The Problem

Folks like Don Wildmon and the American Family Association, most of the US Congress, and various other self-appointed babysitters have their panties in a bunch over pornography on the internet. As you may know, the internet's only purpose is to provide access to an unending supply of clumsily-altered images of Christina Applegate (or images of clumsily-altered Pamela Anderson). This has thrown the Christian right for a loop, as this pornography is accessible to minors. As we know, this has never been the case before. Until we reached the age of 18, most of us grew up believing that Barbie was, indeed, anatomically correct.

Obviously, this is a problem. Since no methods exist to block access to "objectionable" material (and even if there were, what parents want to raise their own children?), something must be done. Oh sure, the first step has been taken -- but is a clumsy, blatantly unconstitutional bill enough? It's a start, but no.

As well as I understand the arguments, if children see naked people on their monitors, they will have bad thoughts and grow up to be criminals and perverts. The problem is, how do we block access to this dangerous nudity without infringing on those adults who really like pornography?

The Solution

Here's my proposal: we need a way to allow adults to see nudity at their discretion, while keeping the kids pristine. The adults already know what naked bodies look like, so there's no need to worry about corrupting them. Combine this with the fact that many people seem quite fond of digitally-altered photos anyway, and we have the solution. Allow whatever images anyone desires online, but strategically "white-out" any reproductive organs, hind quarters, tails -- any body part that might be considered offensive. Allow adults to use the knowledge they already have to fill in the dirty parts themselves. Children, in their blissful innocence, will draw in butterflies and flowers. Or they could draw moustaches on the people in the photos, restoring Anna Nicole Smith's original pre-surgery appearance.

Of course, there is a price to pay -- acquiring a Java-capable browser. But now that Microsoft has licensed Java, in only a few months it will be legally mandated to own such a browser. Regardless of whether or not one owns a computer.

The following is an example of this breakthrough anti-porn technology: