YOU ARE BISEXUAL

{ (set: $phonecheck to 0) (set: $selfaware to 0) (set: $rememberdream to false) (set: $yearbook to false) (set: $astronomy to false) (set: $wallart to false) (set: $stories to false) } <center>YOU ARE BISEXUAL A game about not knowing that you are bisexual (click: "A game about not knowing that you are bisexual") [A regrettably barely fictionalized memoir (click: "A regrettably barely fictionalized memoir") [ [[Start]]]] </center>

You are awake, if barely. It's 6:00am, because you need to be out the door by 6:45 to get to work by 7:30. That's not as much of a motivator as it probably should be. It's chilly outside, and so warm under your blankets. You put off getting out from under them just yet, instead trying to recall [[the dream you were just having...]]

(set: $selfaware to it + 1)The details are hazy; you have trouble remembering most of your dreams. You're pretty sure you were in your high school (which was a speakeasy) and you had to find a book... and you remember kissing someone. She'd had soft brown hair and bright red lipstick. (set: $rememberdream to true) (link: "You are bisexual.")[~~You are bisexual~~ You aren't self-aware enough to even think this yet! As far as you're concerned, you definitely 100% only like men.] [[Dreams are weird.]]

Your phone buzzes again, this time not with your alarm but with your text alert sound. You flip open your phone and squint at the screen, trying to blink the sleep from your eyes. <center>STATE OF EMERGENCY DECLARED. SEVERE WEATHER CONDITIONS. NON-ESSENTIAL TRAVEL PROHIBITED.</center> [[Go to the window]]

You know dreams are weird because you dream about kissing women a lot, even though you only like men. But hey, who among us really understands the whims of the subconscious? You let the details of your dream slip away as you try to regain your sense of self and time, as you do every time you wake up. You are a twenty-seven year old woman, recently out of grad school. You work full time, you play a lot of D&D, and you date sporadically, though there aren't many men in your area whose dating profiles don't show them holding fish. You're Asian-American in an almost entirely white town. Oh, and you're straight. Definitely straight. It's a Wednesday in February. You'll arrive at work before it's light outside, and you know you won't leave until it's dark again. Sometimes it feels like you can go weeks without seeing the sun. [[Get out of bed.]]

You tug your bare feet into your thickest socks before running downstairs in your pajamas to check the front door. When you pull it open, the snow outside already reaches up to your knees. You slam the door shut again before it tumbles inside. You aren't going anywhere today. You head back to your bedroom. Your phone buzzes once on the bedside table. Otherwise, the world is silent. [[<i>Nice.</i>|The day is yours.]]

You slide your old astronomy textbook out of the bookcase. There's still a few sheets of college-ruled notebook paper wedged between the pages. (if: $astronomy is false)[You loved this class, though you don't remember much from it. You remember learning about blue-shift, and calculating the speed of stars. And [[you remember...|Remember Astronomy]]] (else:)[There's a lot that you loved about this class, but every time you think back on it you always end up thinking about Skye. [[Remember Skye again|Remember Astronomy]] [[Replace the textbook|Look around]] ]

You open up the yearbook but are careful not to look at any pages that you might be on, so as to avoid embarrassment. (if: $yearbook is false) [You only keep in touch with a handful of people from high school now. You flip to the signatures at the front. Some of these people you barely remember. [[But there is one...]] ](else:)[You still like to occasionally flip through these and read the well-wishes from the people you knew. Sometimes you find notes from people you haven't thought about in ages, like Kristin. You wonder where she ended up. [[Remember Kristin again|But there is one...]] [[Replace the yearbook|Look around]] ]

You've got a lot of photos on your walls, mostly of you and your friends from college and grad school. You live in a small town now. It can be a little isolating. (if: $wallart is false) [You remember some of the wall art that you put up as a kid. Once your entire room was papered in stills from the Lord of the Rings movies. And [[before that...]]](else:)[You haven't thought about your wall art from your pre-teen days in, well, years. But you guess you're feeling nostalgic today. [[Remember your pre-teen wall art|before that...]] [[Keep looking around|Look around]] ]

It's full of important things you've forgotten from the past three months. The bookmarked page is from December of last year, when you last had a meeting with Hannah. You'd carefully highlighted the date with a bright green highlighter, in addition to writing "MEETING" in large capital letters, just to be sure you would see it. You flip to this week. Today's page just says "work." So do all the other days. This is because you filled those days out three months ago and haven't touched the planner since. You won't be diagnosed with ADHD for another year, so for now, this is just how you live. [[Pretend you do not see it|Look around]]

Sleepiness forgotten, you roll out from under your covers and rush over to the window. You throw open your thick felt curtains, the chill from outside rolling over you as you peer out. A blanket of absolute white covers your front yard, your driveway, your household's cars. The road beyond is unrecognizable, completely buried without even tire tracks to mark it. [[Go downstairs|Ugh]]

A quick look at your phone shows you a text from your boss, confirming in no uncertain terms that you need to stay home today. "If you can, just check your email," she requests, "the team lead from today might want to reschedule." Still half asleep, you try to recall what it was you were going to be doing today. [[Recall|What was happening today?]]

(if: $selfaware >= 6) [Your browser window is blinking on your computer. You have a new email. [[Read email|It's an email]] ]Your bookshelves are a big mess. You're one of those people who accumulates books even though you don't have any time to read them. It can be a problem. Old textbooks from college stand out among the beat-up paperpacks. You've also got a few yearbooks in there. Also, like... twenty or thirty little figurines. Where do they come from? [[Look at textbooks|Astronomy textbook]] [[Look at yearbooks|High school yearbook]] [[Look at novels]] [[Play with figurines]] On your desk is a precarious stack of papers. Some of them are doubtless important documents like your car registration, but most of them are probably old stories you wrote for grad school. Next to the stack of papers is your computer, your planner, and your phone. [[Check planner|Planner]] [[Investigate papers]] [[Check computer]] [[Check your phone|Check phone II]] The rest of your room mostly has boring things you need to be an adult, like a dresser and a bed, but you're proud of how you've decorated. You like to make your space as distinctly yours as you can. You also have some masking tape stuck in strange places, left over from the last prank your roommates played on you. This can be a weird house. [[Check on your roommates|Leave bedroom]] [[Look at mirror]] [[Look at wall art|Wall art]]

(if: $selfaware < 6) [You go to check your email and end up on twitter for half an hour. How does that keep happening?] (else:)[You go to check twitter, but that email is staring you in the face.] (if: $selfaware < 6) [ [[What a terrible place.|Look around]] ] (else:) [ [[Might as well open it.|It's an email]] [[Not yet.|Look around]] ]

You stick your head out into the hallway. Both your roommates' doors are open. (if: $selfaware < 4) [They both do some contract work for a guy in town with a business plowing peoples' driveways. They also help the town clear the roads during really bad blizzards. They're probably still out there.] (else:) [They're gone again. During a blizzard like today's, they're in and out of the house all day. They say they get paid well for it, and they like driving the plows, but you've heard them have to get out of bed at 3am before.] [[You feel deeply thankful for your job.|Look around]]

There you are. You didn't bother to brush your hair today. It hangs in a loose knot over one shoulder, the quickest and easiest way to get it out of your face in the mornings. You need a haircut. (if: $selfaware < 4) [You're wearing flannel pajama pants, an oversized t-shirt, and your thickest, warmest socks.] (else:) [You're wearing skinny jeans, an oversized flannel shirt, and your thickest, warmest socks.] You have your dad's nose and your mom's eyes. White people who ask you what you are will usually follow up the question with some comment about how they knew you were Asian because "you look Asian around the eyes." They never seem to know that you're also white based on your nose. They're never asking about the white part. They're only ever asking to figure out what kind of <i>other</i> you are. [[Enough self-reflection.|Look around]]

Most of these are favorites of yours that you just had to own. Some of them are just books that looked cool that were fifty cents at the library's annual book sale. Here's a stack that your friend Geoffrey gave you for your birthday. None of these are in any particular order. It's a mess. You pull <i>The Penelopiad</i> off your shelf. You'd recommended this to Hannah a few months ago, when the two of you lost track of time talking about how much you'd loved mythology as kids. The last time you spoke on the phone, she told you she'd loved it. You wonder if you should find something else to recommend her so you can talk about it. [[You do <i>not</i> feel like organizing these today|Look around]]

You're twenty-seven years old. You have a job. You pay taxes. Anyway, (either: "the wizard and the orc ride the gryphons to attack the dice tower. Crash! Whoosh! Nyoom! They are victorious!", "your gargoyle flies up to make diplomatic overtures to Deadpool. Deadpool is surprisingly receptive!", "your wizard minifigure stands at the top of the dice tower, raining fire down on the chess pieces below! Fwoooosh!", "an owl from the Ashmole Bestiary and an Arthurian knight build a small dwelling of dice and live in it together.", "you have an imprompteau pokemon battle. Bulbasaur wins!") [[(either: "That was fun.", "Nice.", "Awesome.", "Toys are great.")|Look around]]

(set: $phonecheck to it + 1) (if: $phonecheck is 1) [Your friend Geoffrey has texted you some lyrics from Mulan. He likes to send you encouraging things when you have meetings. You remind yourself to message him later.] (else-if: $phonecheck is 2) [Your roommate has texted you to look out the window. You look. There's nothing there. Did he mean the snow?] (else-if: $phonecheck is 3) [There is a text from the guy you've been kind-of-seeing. He's snowed in several towns away.](else:) [No new messages.] [[You put the phone down.|Look around]]

You leaf through the papers on your desk. You need to organize these. (if: $stories is false) [Most of these are stories you wrote for grad school. (You have a master's in creative writing, which has obviously led not only to immense wealth but respect and awe from society at large.) You learned a lot in that program, and while looking back at your writing from years ago is making you cringe a little, there's stories in here that you're proud of. [[One catches your eye...]] ] (else:) [You remember writing these a little better now, and the work that you put into your characters. You wonder again why you were so sure that all your characters were bisexual. But, you suppose, you are a creator, and you need to think about these things. Even if it never comes up in the story, these are the details that make characters real. It would be pretty silly, you reason, for your characters to not know their own sexuality. Everyone knows that. [[Remember writing|One catches your eye...]] [[Put the papers away|Look around]] ]

(if: $astronomy is false) [(set: $selfaware to it + 1)]You remember a girl named Skye. She sat three rows forward and one column to the left of you. You remember the very first time you saw her. (click: "saw her.") [She was wearing a loose cardigan over a graphic tee and skinny jeans under tall Hunter-brand rain boots. (click: "rain boots.") [She had wavy brown hair that fell to her shoulders and striking hazel eyes lined with dark eyeliner. You actually gasped a little when you saw her for the first time. (click: "first time.") [She slid into the seat three rows forward and one column to the left of you. You remember watching with fascination as she tugged the earbuds out of her ears and wrapped them carefully around a cord wrap, which she tucked into the front pocket of her bag. Every single motion she made looked so effortlessly elegant. (click: "effortlessly elegant.") [You love astronomy, but you remember needing to remind yourself to pay attention. Three rows forward and one column to the left was close to where the professor stood from your perspective. (click: "from your perspective.") [You were usually one of the first to arrive. Every day, you took your seat, and you watched the door until she came in. (click: "came in.") [And then you'd look away, in shyness or embarrassment, and resolved to really pay attention to the lecture today. (click: "today.") [Once, she beat you there, and your heart jumped to see her watching you come in the door. You don't know if she noticed your blush. (click: "your blush.") [(if: $selfaware < 4)+(link: "You are bisexual.") [~~You are bisexual.~~ You aren't self aware enough to even think this yet! You think this is totally straight behavior.] (else:)+(link: "You are bisexual.") [Are you bisexual? (click: "Are you bisexual?") [...that's ridiculous. You think just admiring someone's style is romantic interest? She just seemed really cool.] ] [[You wanted to be her friend.|You really wanted to make friends.]] (set: $astronomy to true) ]]]]]]]]

You wanted to be her friend because she seemed so <i>interesting.</i> (click: "interesting.") [But you were always too shy to approach her. And you never really saw her around campus outside of that one class, so you didn't know how to go about trying. (click: "trying.") [You spent a lot of your free time thinking about what you'd say to her, but you never quite figured it out. (click: "figured it out.") [You still think about her, sometimes, and how much you wanted to be friends with her. (if: $selfaware is 3) [[[You replace the textbook.|Act II]]] (else:) [[[You replace the textbook.|Look around]]] ]]]

I'm not putting this passage in the final game because I don't want to dunk too hard on the things people said when they were 21; this girl was legit very smart and I am guessing she's learned since then. BUT. For posterity, and for anyone who bought this game and subsequently loaded it into twine to see what all I did, here's an easter egg story: My astronomy professor (who was fucking great btw) asked the class who thought there was other intelligent life in the universe, for whatever measure of intelligence we cared to say. And this girl and I were the only ones who raised our hands. And I remember her turning around in her seat to see who else was raising their hands and she locked eyes with me for this long moment. I thought wildly about how this was a CONNECTION even though that makes no sense in the context of a straight girl. I definitely blushed deep red. My professor, seeing only two of us, called on her first and said, "why do you think that?" And she said, "I believe the Mayans were aliens." And it was like someone flipped a switch and suddenly I didn't find her so elegant or deeply fascinating or any of that! It vanished INSTANTLY. And I'd love to say she was joking (and everyone I've told this story to has said "was she joking?" or "she MUST have been joking") but when my professor responded with a clearly shocked "you WHAT?" this girl DOUBLED DOWN. She started citing all the evidence, which hinged mostly on how """advanced""" they were and how no society could EVER have created structures or tools like that. You know... upper middle class white girl racism. Anyway, my professor very quickly called on me next and I said that given the size of the universe the odds that we're the only intelligent life are statistically negligible and he clapped his hands together once and said "o-KAY let's talk about that!" just a little too quickly and brightly and sometimes I still think about that and laugh. Anyway at the time I never really examined why my total fascination with this girl vanished in a literal instant, but in my adulthood, now realizing that I am bisexual, I recognize that it is physically impossible to have a crush on someone who thinks the Mayans were aliens.

(if: $yearbook is false) [(set: $selfaware to it + 1)]There is one from a girl named Kristin, who was in your psychology class. (click: "psychology class.") [She had dirty blonde hair that she colored in blues and greens, and it always caught your eye as you looked around the class. She had one of those smiles that brightened her whole face, and you could recognize her laugh from across the school. (click: "the school.") [You didn't know her that well, all things considered. But you chatted in class and said hi to each other in the halls, and she always asked you about what books you were reading. (click: "reading.") [At the end of the year she asked to sign your yearbook, and slid hers over to you. You wrote her a message about how much you loved having class with her. You agonized over how to sign off, and wondered why, with her, it was so hard. (click: "so hard.") [She wrote you a paragraph about how much she liked getting to know you. She signed her name, and underneath, a line of three little hearts. (click: "three little hearts.") [Every time you reread her message, you found yourself regretting signing off with just your name. (click: "your name.") [(if: $selfaware < 4)+(link: "You are bisexual.") [~~You are bisexual.~~ You aren't self aware enough to even think this yet! As far as you're concerned, this is gals being pals.] (else:)+(link: "You are bisexual.") [Are you bisexual? (click: "Are you bisexual?") [No! It was high school. Everything you did mattered to your social life. It makes total sense for you to obsess over a yearbook message. Relatively speaking.] ] [[You were glad to have another friend.]] (set: $yearbook to true) ]]]]]]

You didn't have a lot of friends in high school, so you liked having someone to talk to in a class where you didn't know anyone. You wonder vaguely what she's up to these days. (if: $selfaware is 3) [[[You replace the yearbook.|Act II]]] (else:) [[[You replace the yearbook|Look around]]]

(if: $wallart is false) [(set: $selfaware to it + 1)]When you were young, maybe ten years old, it was very important to have pictures of celebrities on your walls. Especially the hot ones. Today, you have a hard time remembering which ones those were. (click: "those were.") [You remember leafing through teen magazines, reading about artists and separating pictures to put up on your walls. Many of these were artists you didn't even know. (click: "didn't even know.") [Among your selection of wall art, there was a picture of a woman whose name you did not know. But you knew she was some sort of singer, and that she was beautiful. (click: "beautiful.") [You put her picture up on your bedroom wall along with the multitude of Nick Carters. You thought, every time you looked at her, how pretty she was. (click: "how pretty she was.") [You think to wonder today why it was so important to you to that her picture be on your wall. (click: "your wall.") [(if: $selfaware < 4)+(link: "You are bisexual.") [~~You are bisexual.~~ You aren't self aware enough to even think this yet! There's a perfectly heterosexual explanation, as usual.] (else:)+(link: "You are bisexual.") [Are you bisexual? (click: "Are you bisexual?") [Liking a celebrity doesn't mean that you like women. Not even if she's a celebrity you don't know.] ] [[Probably a lot of young girls idolize pretty celebrities.]] (set: $wallart to true) ]]]]]

You had pretty unrealistic expectations for your own appearance, even then. It makes sense that you'd have pictures of the women you idolized for their looks as much as their talents. (click: "their looks") [It was idols like that woman, and others like her, that created your standards of beauty as a child. All of them skinny, almost all of them white... (click: "standards of beauty") [Yeah, that probably didn't mess you up at all. (click: "Yeah, that probably didn't mess you up at all.") [Still, you're a little nostalgic for those days, when you'd listen to your Backstreet Boys CD on repeat all day. You miss having those priorities. (click: "those priorities.") [(if: $selfaware is 3) [[[You turn back to the rest of your room.|Act II]]] (else:)[[[You turn back to the rest of your room.|Look around]]] ]]]]

You hear a banging and clattering from the front door, and then heavy footsteps on the staircase. One of your roommates must be home. There's a knock on your door, and your roommate, Eric, sticks his head in. The snow on his shoulders and hat indicates that he's been plowing and shoveling since well before dawn. "I have to get my truck out," he says. "Can you move your car out of the way? Dave will plow the driveway, too, if we can get all the cars out." You tell him you'll be right down, as soon as you put on some real clothes. It's too cold out for pajamas, no matter how comfy you are. [[Put on real clothes.]]

You pull on the outfit you'd planned on wearing to work today: combat boots and an oversized flannel over skinny jeans. That's a very heterosexual outfit. (click: "That's a very heterosexual outfit.") [You finish the look with a knit beanie that you cram onto your unbrushed hair and head downstairs, straightly. [[Outside is a burst of pure freezing whiteness.|You head downstairs.]] ]

The sun never quite came out today; it hides behind a thick layer of grey clouds. The snow is still falling, as heavily as when you woke up this morning. You and your roommate slip and slide and shovel frantically and give each other pushes out of your spaces. You park carefully at the other end of your little lot while your other roommate drives his small plow in. It's as far as you can get; even though your roommates have just cleared the road beyond, already a great drift of snow is forming at the mouth of your driveway. Your breath still clouding in the air, you turn the heater up to full blast. Beneath the rush of air you can hear the tinny sound of radio chatter and the latest pop hits fighting to be heard. [[Wait.]]

You watch the snow through the windshield. To your right, your meeting clothes are laid out on your passenger seat. You almost always bring them to work and change once you get there. You never know what you'll have to do that morning. Your job can be messy, and you'd rather make sure your nice clothes stay clean until it's time for you to walk into the meeting. You don't often wear dresses, but this one you laid out carefully last night, after agonizing over the choice for about twenty minutes. What looked best? What was most flattering? And what did you wear to the last meeting that you had [[with Hannah?|with her?]]

Because you don't want Hannah to think you only own one nice outfit, even though you only really own two. Because she always looks so put together; she has these vintage-looking dresses and these fitted blazers and god, she always looks so <i>good</i>. (click: "so good.") [How does she do that? How does she always look so elegant and put together (click: "elegant and put together") [but also so <i>approachable?</i> (click: "approachable?") [It's got to be her smile. She wears it so easily, and it always feels genuine, (click: "genuine,") [even when she's just smiling to greet you. (click: "greet you.") [<i>Especially</i> when she's smiling to greet you. And when she laughs at your jokes. (click: "your jokes.") [She has the nicest laugh. (click: "She has the nicest laugh.") [ (link: "You know it's embarrassing to have such an obvious girl crush on her.") [~~You know it's embarrassing to have such an obvious girl crush on her.~~ But why (click: "But why") [does your heart (click: "does your heart") [always skip (click: "always skip") [when you think (click: "when you think") [about her? (click: "about her?") [Is that what a girl crush is? (click: "Is that what a girl crush is?") [You watch the snow tumble down from the sky. On the radio, under the noise of the heater, the slow guitar of the latest pop/country love song strums up a soulful melody. And you think to yourself: (click: "And you think to yourself:") ["Maybe there's no such thing as a girl crush." (click: "Maybe there's no such thing as a girl crush.") [ [[Your roommates signal you, and you return your focus to your car and your driveway and familiar shapes and voices.]] ]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

(set: $selfaware to it + 1)With your car successfully returned, you kick off your snowy boots in the entryway, make a quick stop by the kitchen for a bag of chips, and return to your bedroom. Your head feels oddly full, heavy with thoughts that you aren't quite sure how to think about just yet. You cast about for a distraction. [[Look around]]

(if: $stories is false) [(set: $selfaware to it + 1)]It's a story you found the concept for even before you started grad school. It's a fairy tale, sort of. (click: "fairy tale, sort of.") [You remember building a character concept for your protagonist, and then spending days agonizing over her love interest. (click: "love interest.") [Only when you realized that her love interest was a woman did the rest of the story fall into place. (click: "fall into place.") [You'd known that she liked men, but it hadn't occurred to you until days into the brainstorming process that she didn't <i>only</i> like men. (click: "like men.") [Even though she only has one love interest over the course of the short story, you knew, as you started writing it properly, that your protagonist was attracted to more than one gender. (click: "more than one gender.") [You remember writing the fairy tale and being embarrassed that it took you so long to realize that your protagonist could be in love with another woman. You made sure to never assume sexuality in your writing after that. (click: "after that.") [Leafing through the rest of these stories, it occurs to you that most of your protagonists are the same. And most of your D&D characters. Almost every character you create is attracted to multiple genders. Even the ones for whom it never comes up, you still know. (click: "you still know.") [It's consistently been that important to you. (if: $selfaware < 4)+(link: "You are bisexual.") [~~You are bisexual.~~ You aren't self aware enough to even think this yet! All straight girls do this. Definitely.] (else:)+(link: "You are bisexual.") [Are you bisexual? (click: "Are you bisexual?") [...No, this doesn't mean you're bisexual. It just means you're an ally. You're writing queer characters because you think there needs to be more queer representation in media.] ](set: $stories to true) [[It's just fiction.]] ]]]]]]]

You write about monsters and magic, too. That's the great thing about fiction; you can do anything. (click: "you can do anything.") [It's so important to you that all your characters are bisexual because, as a writer, you have to get into their heads. (click: "into their heads.") [None of the stories you write are about the queer experience, it's just a collection of characters that happen to all be bisexual. (click: "bisexual.") [It's not like you were writing a memoir. (if: $selfaware is 3) [[[You replace your papers.|Act II]]] (else:)[[[You replace your papers.|Look around]]] ]]]

You were supposed to have a meeting with a few team members from other offices. You have these meetings a few times a year, and normally you wouldn't mind putting one off except... (click: "except...") [Except the team lead for today's meeting was supposed to be Hannah. (click: "Hannah.") [Hannah is the team lead for a bunch of your cases, so you've gotten to work with her quite a bit. (click: "quite a bit.") [You only see her at these meetings, a few times a year at most, but you call her pretty regularly to work out details for some of your cases. But a lot of the time... (click: "a lot of the time...") [A lot of the time you just end up talking about whatever comes to mind. You share a lot of interests, and you have the same sense of humor. You look forward to talking to her. (click: "talking to her.") [You were looking forward to seeing her today, too. (click: "You were looking forward to seeing her today, too.") [You joke with your co-workers in the office that you have a girl crush on her. (click: "girl crush") [A girl crush is like when you have a crush on a girl but you're straight so it's a joke. (click: "it's a joke.") [You flip your computer open in case that email comes in, turn on your music, and prepare for a day inside. [[The day is yours.|Look around]] ]]]]]]]]

It's an email from Hannah. (click: "Hannah.") [It's quick, but important. These meetings have rigid schedules. She wants to check in about next week. She wants to make sure you'll be there, that you don't have another meeting scheduled. "If you do, I can look for another time slot!" she says. (click: "she says.") [You write back quickly that of course you can be there, (click: "you can be there,") [ then delete it all and rewrite it,(click: "rewrite it,") [ then delete it all and rewrite it again. (click: "rewrite it again.") [No, too casual (click: "No, too casual") [but now too stiff and formal (click: "stiff and formal") [and how do you sign it? Why is this so complicated? (click: "complicated?") [ [[You have to get this right.]] ]]]]]]]]

You want (link: "to seem not just competent but exemplary.") [(link: "to impress her.") [(link: "her to like you.") [her to like you <i>best.</i> (click: "her to like you best.") [And as you think that you also think to yourself: (click: "And as you think that you also think to yourself:") [A girl crush is just having a crush on a girl, isn't it. (click: "A girl crush is just having a crush on a girl, isn't it.") [ [[Oh.]] ]]]]]]

[[But that can't be right.|oh2]]

You close your eyes and lean back in your chair, nearly toppling over in your distraction. The thought still feels too big to fit in your head, no matter which way you try to turn it. But it feels so obvious now, in hindsight. [[You are bisexual.|question1]] [[You don't really want to unpack this right now.|You can't think about this right now.]]

(link: "You are bisexual.") [Don't be ridiculous. (click: "Don't be ridiculous.") [You can't be bisexual because [[you've always known you liked men.]] ]]

You've ALWAYS known you liked men. You've known it since you were a kid. If you were really bisexual, wouldn't you have known? (click: "wouldn't you have known?") [...except that's not how it works. Not for anyone, really. Almost every queer person you know once <i>knew</i> they were straight until they realized they weren't. You won't learn the phrase "compulsory heterosexuality" for another year, but this is where you figure out that you experienced it and also that it's bullshit. [[You are bisexual.|question2]] ]

(link: "You are bisexual.") [But you <i>can't</i> be bisexual. (click: "But you can't be bisexual.") [You can't be bisexual because [[you don't like enough women.]] ]]

You've liked <i>so many</i> men. But you've barely liked any women. It's really more of an exception. (click: "an exception.") [...except a part of that statement is that you <i>do</i> like women. Which, if you recall correctly, is not something that straight women typically do. (click: "straight women") [ [[You are bisexual.|question3]] ]]

(link: "You are bisexual.") [<i>No you're not.</i> (click: "No you're not.") [Why not? (click: "Why not?") [Because you've only ever dated men. (click: "Because you've only ever dated men.") [So? You thought you were straight. (click: "You thought you were straight.") [Because you aren't white enough? (click: "Because you aren't white enough?") [Okay, you <i>know</i> that's horseshit. Queer people of color exist. (click: "Queer people of color exist.") [And yeah, most queer spaces in your area are very white, and yeah, the media and popular culture have presented a very specific sort of "queer aesthetic" and lifestyle that you definitely don't adhere to, but that doesn't mean that your queerness doesn't exist. Maybe you exhibit Asian queerness. But with your total lack of a cultural community in this area, you don't even know what that would look like, and you're worried that you're too white to enter those spaces anyway, even though white spaces always make it clear that you're not white enough-- [[argh]] ]]]]]]]

THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH TO THINK ABOUT RIGHT NOW. You're sure that someday when you're, like, thirty, and making a game about this or something, it'll all make sense, and you'll have figured everything out and your personal brand won't be highly public identity crises on twitter. You don't have to understand every single thing about the intersection of race and ethnicity and sexuality in order to experience it. [[You are biracial.|it's scary]]

(set: $selfawareness to it + 1)You are bisexual. (click: "You are bisexual.") [It feels warm and right to think it. It feels like the truth. But you find yourself wondering, wildly, if you're even allowed. (click: "you're even allowed.") [Are you bisexual enough? Do you get to call yourself that? Or will other queer people recognize you as a fraud? (click: "a fraud?") [Do you count? Even though you definitely mostly like men, even though you're only just now after twenty-seven years on earth realizing that you actually, you know, <i>like</i> like women, do you still count? (click: "do you still count?") [ [[But it <i>feels</i> true, doesn't it?|When will you feel like it's real?]] ]]]]

Here's the truth: (click: "Here's the truth:") [There's no test. There's no divine revelation. No one sends you a "real bisexual" certificate in the mail. What you know now is how you know. (click: "What you know now is how you know.") [You'll probably always wonder if you count. Even when you start coming out to people, you'll catch yourself using halting words and noncommittal language. No matter how true it feels, how much sense it makes, you'll struggle to believe yourself. (click: "believe yourself.") [And the whole truth is, this realization didn't happen over the course of one snowy morning. It's a convenient frame narrative for a small game, but real life is much messier. You spent weeks and months and years questioning yourself, rationalizing and dismissing, until you started to whisper it, until you could speak it out loud. (click: "speak it out loud.") [Three years from now you'll still never have dated a woman and you'll worry that this disqualifies you. Like there's a quota you need to fill, some kind of test to pass, never mind that you haven't dated anyone else in that time either. You'll tell yourself you don't count. (click: "you don't count.") [You'll fight to convince yourself, to the point that you'll make a game titled "YOU ARE BISEXUAL" in bold capital letters, just to remind yourself it's true. (click: "remind yourself it's true.") [Maybe you'll always question yourself. Maybe your labels will change again. (click: "Maybe you'll always question yourself. Maybe your labels will change again.") [At this time, this is the truth: [[You are bisexual.]] ]]]]]]]

(link: "<b>And that means you have a big stupid crush on your co-worker.</b>") [(link:"<b>And that means you have a big stupid crush on your co-worker.</b> Oh no oh no oh no oh no--") [~~<b>And that means you have a big stupid crush on your co-worker.</b> Oh no oh no oh no oh no--~~ Okay, new rule: you're only allowed one big embarrassing revelation per day. (click: "you're only allowed one big embarrassing revelation per day.") [You close your email window. You have way more pressing things to think about right now. The message will keep. (click: "The message will keep.") [You look around, aware of your surroundings for what feels like the first time. (click: "the first time.") [...It's only like 10am. (click: "...It's only like 10am.") [What are you supposed to do about this now? Your life has changed fundamentally, but to the rest of the world, it's just Monday. What does this do to your schedule? Wake up, have major revelation, do chores for a while? What are you supposed to be feeling? (click: "What are you supposed to be feeling?") [You don't even know what you're feeling. (click: "You don't even know what you're feeling.") [But you think you might want to [[talk about it.]] ]]]]]]]]

<div class="chat"><p><div class="lin">Hey Geoff</div></p> <p><div class="lin">Are you here</div></p> <p><div class="lin">Did you get the day off</div></p> <p><div class="geoff">omg yeah</div></p> <p><div class="geoff">everything's shut down</div></p> <p><div class="geoff">hbu</div></p> <p><div class="lin">Yeah, I'm home </div></p> <p><div class="lin">Listen this is weird</div></p> <p><div class="geoff">what</div></p> <p><div class="lin">I know this is kind of out of nowhere but</div></p> <p><div class="lin">I guess</div></p> <p><div class="lin">I'm bisexual</div></p> <p><div class="lin">???</div></p> <p><div class="geoff">!!!</div></p> <p><div class="geoff">wow</div></p> <p><div class="geoff">where's this coming from?</div></p> <p><div class="lin">Well</div></p> <p><div class="lin">I guess</div></p> <p><div class="lin">A lot of things really</div></p> </div> [[Outside, the snow has stopped falling.|Outside]]

<div class="chat"><p><div class="geoff">this is great</div></p> <p><div class="geoff">I'm excited for you</div></p> <p><div class="geoff">bisexuals get great stats</div></p> <p><div class="lin">omg</div></p> <p><div class="geoff">you get proficiency in dual wielding</div></p> <p><div class="geoff">and you learn the invisibilty spell</div></p> <p><div class="geoff">a lot of people will think you're a myth</div></p> <p><div class="geoff">which is why bisexuals make great assassins</div></p> <p><div class="lin">a;sdjkdsk</div></p> <p><div class="lin">I'M LITERALLY LAUGHING OUT LOUD</div></p> <p><div class="lin">IN MY EMPTY ROOM</div></p> <p><div class="geoff">you don't know that there could be other bisexuals in there</div></p> <p><div class="lin">GEOFFREY</div></p> <p><div class="geoff">I'm so happy for you</div></p> <p><div class="geoff">and I'm honored you wanted to tell me</div></p> <p><div class="geoff">I get to show you the queer clubhouse</div></p> <p><div class="geoff">we should celebrate</div></p> <p><div class="lin">Yeah</div></p> <p><div class="lin">I'm still kind of processing</div></p> <p><div class="lin">But yeah fuck it we should celebrate</div></p> <p><div class="geoff">it's great</div></p> <p><div class="lin">It is great</div></p> </div> [[End|Credits]]

This memoir is barely fictionalized. Yes, I really did spend like twenty hours a day thinking about the woman I was in love with and assumed I just admired her work ethic. You sometimes daydream about kissing people whose work ethic you admire, right? Everyone I've told this story to is curious, so: Sorry, I never made out with Hannah. By the time I fully figured myself out she'd been promoted and I'd dropped to part-time and we never ended up working together again. I wouldn't have pursued anything anyway, because we still worked in the same circles, and I am nothing if not practical. I made this game primarily to laugh at myself, but over the course of building it I realized how much residual guilt I was carrying around over how long it took me to get there. I've always considered myself open-minded and I've had queer friends my entire life (again, a big clue right there). To me, queer identities were a beautiful fact of life. Just not <i>my</i> life. And so realizing that the things I've been feeling my whole life weren't just me heterosexually admiring women but being attracted to them was simultaneously freeing and demoralizing. I was embarrassed that it took me that long to know something that basic about myself, and I was ashamed because I knew that the blockers had their roots in homophobia, biphobia, misogyny, and adherence to the status quo. It took me until I made this game to realize I was still dealing with those feelings. Compulsory heterosexuality is a hell of a drug. It's so easy to fit into society's expectations, and it can be so scary to realize that's not what you want. Fortunately for me, I had a great group of friends delighted to welcome me into the queer community as soon as I had the guts to admit I'd figured it out. They didn't think it was shameful how long it had taken, or that I was doing it wrong, or any of those things I was afraid of. Incidentally, the conversation at the end of the game with my friend Geoffrey is almost completely unedited from when I came out to him in real life. Giving me the space and opportunity to laugh about it was exactly what I needed. I made most of this game by myself, but it would look like absolute horseshit without the guidance of my wonderful friend Adrienne, who taught me what CSS is while I lay on the floor in the fetal position. And much love to all my friends, who encouraged me to make this embarrassing game. I would not have made this without their support. If you're like me and figured out your sexuality years after you thought the matter was settled, I see you. We're not late. We're right on time. <center>[[Back to start|Start]]</center>

All right, you don't unpack this right now. You sit improperly in your chair and you turn up the music and you think about something else. Or you distract yourself with something around your room, like you've been doing all morning, pretending you weren't waiting for an email from a woman you're pretending not to have intense feelings about. But ultimately, you're stuck here. There's only so much you can do. You have nowhere else you can go. Distract yourself for as long as you want. Check your phone, play with your toys. I'll wait. [[You are bisexual.|question1]] Your bookshelves are a big mess. You're one of those people who accumulates books even though you don't have any time to read them. It can be a problem. Old textbooks from college stand out among the beat-up paperpacks. You've also got a few yearbooks in there. Also, like... twenty or thirty little figurines. Where do they come from? [[Look at textbooks|Astronomy textbook]] [[Look at yearbooks|High school yearbook]] [[Look at novels]] [[Play with figurines]] On your desk is a precarious stack of papers. Some of them are doubtless important documents like your car registration, but most of them are probably old stories you wrote for grad school. Next to the stack of papers is your computer, your planner, and your phone. [[Check planner|Planner]] [[Investigate papers]] [[Check computer]] [[Check your phone|Check phone II]] The rest of your room mostly has boring things you need to be an adult, like a dresser and a bed, but you're proud of how you've decorated. You like to make your space as distinctly yours as you can. You also have some masking tape stuck in strange places, left over from the last prank your roommates played on you. This can be a weird house. [[Check on your roommates|Leave bedroom]] [[Look at mirror]] [[Look at wall art|Wall art]]

(set: $selfaware to 6) <div class="chat"> <div class="geoff">hey</div> <div class="lin">hey</div> <div class="lin">so it turns out I'm bisexual which is new information to me and you</div> </div> Did you know that your <div> sections will run into each other in twine? it's true! I don't understand why it is and neither does my real actual website building friend who is helping me with this. We've tried everything and have it all, uh, almost working. The bits that aren't quite working I'm cheating at. [[Games were a mistake.]]

(append: ?SideBar)[\ YOU ARE BISEXUAL Self-Awareness: (if: $selfaware <= 1) [<br />None whatsoever.](if: $selfaware is 2) [<div class="pink">Oblivious</div>](else-if: $selfaware is 3) [<div class="pink"></div> <div class="pink">Slightly less oblivious</div>](else-if: $selfaware is 4) [<div class="pink"></div><div class="pink"></div><div class="purple">An inkling perhaps</div>](else-if: $selfaware is 5) [<div class="pink"></div><div class="pink"></div><div class="purple"></div><div class="blue">Getting there</div>](else-if: $selfaware is 6) [<div class="pink"></div><div class="pink"></div><div class="purple"></div><div class="blue"></div><div class="blue">Almost there...</div>](else-if: $selfaware is 7) [<div class="pink"></div><div class="pink"></div><div class="purple">YOU ARE BISEXUAL!</div><div class="blue"></div><div class="blue"></div>](else:) [ ] <div class="bottomlinks"> [[Return to start|Start]] </div> ]

It is scary. (click: "It is scary.") [But it's okay that it's scary. (click: "But it's okay that it's scary.") [And it's good news, too. It means you know yourself better now than you did yesterday. You didn't figure it out late, you figured it out when you were ready, when you were able to see that you are bisexual. (click: "you are bisexual.") [And you <i>are</i> bisexual. (click: "And you are bisexual.") [And this time, thinking it feels like cresting a mountaintop and looking down at a view that you hadn't realized you were waiting for. This time, [[thinking it makes you happy.|and now for imposter syndrome]] (set: $selfaware to it + 1) ]]]]

(link: "So you're bisexual.") [But... (click: "But...") [But what? (click: "But what?") [But that would mean that all those times you had <i>feelings</i> about women, those were romance feelings. And you didn't know. (click: "didn't know.") [How could you not know something so fundamental? When you thought you knew what love feels like? What would that mean about your relationships? About yourself? (click: "yourself?") [If you're straight, at least you know what you're <i>doing</i>. At least you still feel in control. (click: "in control.") [But [[if you're bisexual...]] ]]]]]]

If you are bisexual (click: "If you are bisexual") [then it took you <i>twenty-seven years</i> (click: "twenty-seven years") [to figure out this <i>important part of your own identity</i>. (click: "your own identity.") [It could change the way your family sees you, the way your friends see you. You know they'll probably be fine with it but <i>what if?</i> (click: "what if?") [What if this changes everything? What if they don't even believe it, the way you didn't? What are you supposed to do then? (click: "What are you supposed to do then?") [And how does it change the way you see yourself? (click: "yourself?") [It took you twenty-seven years to figure this out, even though you thought you were open-minded, accepting. (click: "accepting.") [Homophobia, (click: "Homophobia,") [biphobia, (click: "biphobia,") [misogyny. (click: "misogyny.") [You thought you were better than that. But all those internal biases kept you from knowing something so fundamental about yourself. (click: "yourself.") [What does that mean about you? What else don't you know about yourself? <i>How</i> can you not have known sooner? (click: "sooner?") [<i>[[Isn't that scary?]]</i> ]]]]]]]]]]]]

Well. (click: "Well.")[Even if it is... (click: "Even if it is...") [...does that make you any less bisexual? (click: "...does that make you any less bisexual?")[ [[...You guess not.]] ]]]

Twine needs better documentation. The message boards haven't been used since 2017. People shouldn't need a reddit account to learn twine. The twine cookbook fucking rules, and everyone should spend a lot of time with it, but it explains how to do everything. If you are doing everything that it says but it isn't working the way you expect it to, then it can't help you troubleshoot. I have never googled for so many coding problems and had zero results come up. The scroll bar embedded in the passage? ACCIDENT. Don't know how it happened.