Hello there. I'm Eric Feeble. Now I know a lot of you out there feel like you are suffering from mental anguish, chronic worrying or other stress related illnesses. But are you REALLY STRESSED OUT?!? By taking this simple test, we will determine to what degree you need help. Good luck!

Please choose one answer for each question below:


1. When the boss comes over to your house for dinner and says he/she likes potatoes, you

A. Run frantically to your local supermarket to get every last potato half an hour before the boss is supposed to arrive only to find that by the time you have gotten back, the government has repossesed your roof and your children have eaten your bosses toupee.

B. Cook up a dozen different potato dishes only to have a horde of giant rats come out of your kitchen sink and eat them right as the boss comes to your home.

C. Sit well mannered through an expensive catered potato dinner as the boss berates you in front of your family and friends.

D. Cook up a deliciously delicate steak dinner with your mother's traditional mashed potato recipe on the side. Then you engage the boss in delightful conversation over dinner and convince him/her to give you a raise, stock options and a full pension.


2. The thought of a night on the town with a hot date brings to mind the following:

A. Waking the au pair from her drunken stupor, getting your child allergy medicine, finding the missing data sheets for your boss, giving your ex-wife a ride to her new boyfriend's performance art show, and finally calling your date to cancel when your car breaks down and you get mugged of your cab fare.

B. Going to a mediocre restaraunt with high prices and finding out that not only have you forgotten your wallet, but there has been a piece of toilet paper that has been running down the leg of your pants all the way back into the restroom for the entire night.

C. Taking your date to the movies and spilling a large Coke and popcorn all over her new dress.

D. Getting in to the hottest new restaraunt in town, being photographed for the society column, attending a gala premiere and lavish party, and winding it up with a moonlit stroll along the banks of your giant beachfront property.


3. For you, Quality family time is:

A. Making sure the kids don't accidentally injest the housekeeper's drug supply, stealing from your daughter's piggy bank to pay your ex-wife's alimony, having your mother call you to tell you what a disappointment you are, and rushing your son to the hospital after he accidentally eats a bottle full of thumb-tacks.

B. Taking granny to visit the kids at the state penitentiary and getting busted when she tries to sneak in a sawed-off shotgun.

C. Having all your relatives gather together at your house to watch you get hit by a truck on "Worlds Funniest Home Videos".

D. A warm fireplace and a large Christmas tree surrounded by your mother, father, children, spouse, and friends.


4. As far as money is concerned, you feel:

A. Like any day you could be out on the street begging for quarters if the loan sharks don't break your legs and throw you in the river first. You don't answer your phone for fear it might be the mortgage company or the IRS, and you've been reduced to dumpster diving to get your kids new clothes for school.

B. You barely have enough to survive. There are more bills every day and you don't know how you'll be able to pay them. There's constant nagging from everyone around you to get at every last coin you can carry in your pocket.

C. That winning the lottery is your only chance to ever pay off all your debt.

D. Like you have been blessed with an ample amount to suit your lifestyle.


5. In dealing with drugs and alcohol, you:

A. Can't answer this question until you get some smack, a pipe full of rock cocaine and a shot of whiskey.

B. Feel they are the only things that keep you going in this pathetic excuse for a life.

C. Need them to drown out the voices of your mother, your boss and your ex-wife screaming at you in your head.

D. Never inhaled.


6. Your children are...

A. Dead because of you.

B. Complete failures and pathetic idiots. You are a constant source of embarrassment to them and they have become maladjusted to society and have no friends as a result of your complete lack of effective parenting.

C. Not talking to you any more since the restraining order.

D. The brightest, best looking, most considerate model students you will ever meet.


7. Health wise, you would describe yourself as

A. Suffering from high blood pressure, nervous ticks, insomnia, violent mood swings, constant nausea, loss of appetite, cold sweats, constant fevers, break-outs of rashes and blisters, impotence, nose bleeds, muscle spasms, migranes, heart palpitations, breathing problems, sweaty palms, unexplained hair loss, and you have a large, throbbing vein on your forehead that occasionally pops out and strangles you.

B. Perfectly healthy aside from the festering brain tumor.

C. Being in a constant state of sickness that no medicine seems to be able to cure.

D. The model of fitness and well being. In fact, Healthy Living magazine just featured you on their cover as "The Worlds Healthiest Person".


8. The environment in which you live is most like which of the following:

A. A medieval dungeon with rabid rodents, insects, parasites, and the moans of the sick and dying keeping you awake at all hours. No personal space, no sense of hygene or security, and the constant noise of traffic, gun shots, police helicopters, leaf blowers, arguing couples, loud boom boxes, and painful, wailing screams.

B. A World War 1 mud trench after a long battle where you are up to your waist in blood and grime from the corpses of your friends who have been blown to pieces before your eyes.

C. In the summer, like the kitchen inside a Taco Hut with no air conditioning or ventilation and every oven on. In the winter, like being naked inside of an ice machine.

D. A tropical paradise with chirping birds and warm, gentle breezes.


9. How wold you describe balancing your work life with your social life?

A. You have never had a social life of any kind, ever. Your entire life is spent in a cubicle, at a terminal, surrounded by papers and urgent assignments that you don't understand and have no idea how you will possibly get done on time. You sleep, eat and dream about company financial figures and when you finally do complete something it is usually thrown away by the cleaning lady before anyone can see it.

B. You cancelled a date with the love of your life who called you out of the blue and said they wanted you to make love to them all night long because you had to make an extra $15.00 doing overtime.

C. Your social life involves snorting Liquid Paper in the supply closet during coffee breaks.

D. Your work for the company has been so successful that they give you an all expense paid vacation anywhere you want to go for a week every month.


10. In picturing your future, which one of the following images comes to mind:

A. Vultures flying over carrion.

B. Alfred E. Neuman standing in front of a nuclear blast holding up a "What, Me Worry?" sign.

C. A billboard with your face on it that says: "Don't Let This Happen To You."

D. A Rolls Royce with a license plate frame that says: "My other car is a Rolls Royce".


11. Your ability to concentrate and remember small details would be described best as being:

A. Huh? What?

B. I forgot.

C. The only thing you can remember is how you used to look when you had all your hair and you could fit in your pants.

D. You have a photographic memory and can remember every last detail of your life.


12. If you were to have a personal "motto", which one of the following would come closest to what it would be?

A. Life is a never ending struggle of one disappointment, humiliation and failure after another.

B. Someone please help me!

C. You want it when?!?

D. Just do it. Drink it up. Live, Love, Laugh. All you need is love. Go for the gusto.


All right. That's it. The test is over. Just relaaax and take a deep breath. When you're ready, scroll up and check your answers and I'll give you a diagnosis of your condition.

RESULTS:

Every answer A: Give yourself 4 points.
Every answer B: Give yourself 3 points.
Every answer C: Give yourself 2 points.
Every answer D: Give yourself 1 point..

SCORING:

 40-48

You suffer from TRAUMATIC STRESS and will probably die of hypertension or a heart attack by the time you finish reading this. The only hope you have in changing your collision course with death is to run off screaming into the night and try to start a new life for yourself as a homeless (but happy and stress-free) schizophrenic that talks to buildings and eats pigeon meat.

 32-39

You have a bad case of CHRONIC ACUTE STRESS that probably makes your life a constant series of crisis and chaos. There are quite a few ways to deal with this disorder: Try talking to a good shrink, changing your profession or running off to Vegas with that pudgy co-worker who pinched your buttox last payday.

24-31

You're always on edge and feel pangs of paranoia and guilt about what you might have done wrong even if you've done nothing wrong. By taking on more than you can handle, you have been suffering from EPISODIC ACUTE STRESS. Try hiring an assistant, taking a vacation or covering yourself in warm molasses and having a dozen puppies lick it off your body.

13-23

You have been diagnosed with having ACUTE STRESS, which is the most common form of stress. You're a normal person with occasional outbursts of panic. No need to worry. Get back to work.

12 and below

You are perfect in every way and are either a robot, a cartoon character or a filthy liar.