WEREWOLVES HATE CLOGS

LA FAMIGLIA MOSTRO

BOOK 1

K.L. HIERS

WEREWOLVES HATE CLOGS Copyright © 2023 by K.L. Hiers

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the author.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of author imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblances to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Proofread and Edited by Jennifer Griffin of Marked and Read

Formatted by Delaney Rain Author Services

Cover Art by Christina Record of Itsy Bitsy Scissors

Cover Design and Typography by Amanda Meuwissen

Cover content is for illustrative purposes only.

To Jennifer, whose beautiful seed of inspiration blossomed into one wild story.

And for my Meumeu, Felix, and Bree.

Thank you for everything.

All my love,

Kat

CONTENTS

Warnings

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

About the Author

Also by K.L. Hiers

WARNINGS

Typical mafia violence, atypical monster violence, brief kidnapping, monstrous smexy times with knotting, spanking, forced orgasm, orgasm denial, exhibitionism, and light bondage.

CHAPTER ONE

Neil Ricci had imagined many different futures for himself over the years, but not a one ever included working at a flower shop.

He’d wanted to be an astronaut when he was a little boy. Later, his dream was to be a professional chef or a break-dancer, or a break-dancer who also cooked while dancing. His adult aspirations were far more grounded and ranged from an accountant to a financier because they always dressed so well.

Unfortunately, a future working with money required a lot of math, and Neil struggled miserably with his classes. After failing two, he’d decided to take the summer off and reevaluate his plans.

He needed a job and a place to stay, and he was surprised when his uncle, Shiloh Ricci, offered him a unique opportunity for both by working at his flower shop, Uranian Flora. His uncle had always been a bit of an eccentric, disappearing for months at a time while he traveled all over the world, and he needed someone to watch the shop for him during his next big adventure.

The offer of good pay plus free room and board was too good to pass up.

The flower shop was a large three-story brick building located in the heart of downtown Somerstown, a populous city with a crowded skyline. The city had held on to its greenery in the face of progress and boasted several lush parks and massive oak trees on practically every corner, and it was also known for the annual festival celebrating its many colorful azalea bushes blooming.

It was also known for its serial killers, having had two prolific fiends who’d stalked the city back in the eighties, but there weren’t any festivals for them.

The flower shop had three award-winning azalea bushes flanking either side of the front door. The first floor was the actual store proper, including a lavish greenhouse that was impossibly bigger inside than it looked to be from the outside. The second floor was a spacious two-bedroom apartment where Neil was staying, and the third floor was rented out as office space that tenants accessed via a service elevator in the back of the building.

The awnings hanging over the door and windows were the same vibrant shade of pink as the prized azaleas, one of many examples of nauseatingly bright colors clashing with the dark rustic state of the building. His uncle had insisted on using big pops of color everywhere, and the counter and moldings inside the shop had also been painted hot pink. The frames of the menu and bulletin board up behind the counter were a shocking shade of lime green, the wooden floors were stained neon blue, and it was all enough to give Neil a headache if he stared for too long.

At least there weren’t any crazy colors upstairs.

His uncle had stayed around for a few days to teach Neil the basics, and it was laughably easy. Neil’s responsibilities included running the register, watering the plants in the greenhouse, answering the phone, and taking new orders. He didn’t actually have to create or stock any of the arrangements.

The cooler and the displays in the shop were always freshly stocked when Neil came in to open the shop for the day. His uncle had explained that the delivery drivers and florists worked very early hours, so Neil should never be surprised when the flowers were there before he even woke up.

Neil didn’t think much of it.

After all, he’d never worked in a flower shop before, and he assumed that’s how it was done. He took the orders, wrote out the delivery schedule, left the orders on the counter in a little box, and everything just sort of… happened?

Okay, yes, it was a bit strange.

He never saw anyone else, even during the evenings when he stayed up a bit too late reading or playing on his phone. He’d been here for weeks and never heard the sound of a truck, the doors opening—not a peep. By contrast, he heard the people renting out the floor above him stomping around all the time, sometimes as late as two o’clock in the morning.

Yes, it was all very strange, but this was the best job he’d ever had.

He wasn’t about to question it.

Neil had never made money like this before in his life, and he was able to save more than ever thanks to not having to stress about rent or utilities. The hours were long, which didn’t leave much time for socializing, but he was perfectly happy to spend the rest of his summer here. He was enjoying getting to know the regular customers, especially the ones on what he called the List.

These were the customers who had been getting flowers from the shop for years, and they all had standing orders every week like clockwork. Many of them didn’t want their arrangements delivered, instead choosing to pick them up in person.

Miss Loy got a dozen yellow roses for her weekly date night with her partner of forty-two years, Mr. Powell ordered big bundles of fresh herbs because he loved to cook, Mrs. R.L. Charles always got dahlias for the graves of her three deceased husbands, and so on.

There was one, however, he knew only by the name written on a sticky note attached to a planter in the greenhouse.

L. Morénas-Mostro had a night-blooming cereus on order, a thick climbing cactus that hung in a nondescript planter near the doorway. Neil didn’t know much about plants, but he knew he’d never seen that damn thing bloom at night or any other time. It didn’t look like much, especially compared to the other fantastic plants inside the greenhouse, and Neil wondered if it had some sort of special significance.

He knew certain plants symbolized love, protection, and so on, but he wasn’t sure what a dried-up cactus might mean.

Persistence?

Determination?

Whatever.

Neil opened the shop like he did on any other day. He was tired since he’d stayed up too late. He'd needed to know what kind of cartoon animal he’d look like from a popular social media app—a big raccoon apparently, which was not that far from reality—and he was dragging.

He’d almost forgotten to change his shirt and barely got a comb through his hair. It was lucky he only had to walk downstairs to get to work. He’d checked himself out in the bathroom mirror to make sure he wasn’t entirely horrific, and he had tried to appraise his sleepy reflection.

Tousled black hair, washed out tan skin, dark circles around his eyes, and two days’ worth of stubble.

Perfect.

He slipped on his hot pink Crocs and headed downstairs.

Neil unlocked the register, counted it out, and made his rounds through the greenhouse. He watered the plants based on a chart his uncle had given him, though he had it mostly memorized by now. The night-blooming determination or whatever it was happened to be his last on the way out of the greenhouse.

Seeing a bud on it was a surprise.

Seeing that the note had changed was a bigger surprise.

L. Morénas-Mostro

CALL HIM!

Neil stared at the message for several seconds, and he had no idea how it had changed. It was the same handwriting as before, presumably his uncle’s, but this didn’t make any damn sense. He didn’t know how to call L. whoever since he didn’t see a phone number.

He stared stupidly as the letters morphed right before his very eyes to create a new message:

HE’S HERE!

There was a knock on the door.

A very loud, very impatient knock.

“Shit! Hold on!” Neil called out. He plucked the note from the planter and hurried to the door. He had no idea if he was seeing things due to lack of sleep or what, but he didn’t think he’d trust a magical self-writing note even if he was fully awake.

Neil hadn’t even turned on all of the lights yet, but whoever was here hadn’t stopped knocking. He unlocked the door and then whipped it open with his friendliest customer service smile on. “Hi, can I help you?”

In front of him stood a jaw-droppingly gorgeous beast of a man with warm copper skin, long black hair streaked with silver, and a sleek black suit. Neil was six feet tall, so this guy had to be six foot five or even six foot six. The man was twice his size, his muscles bulging against the seams of his jacket, and his long hair was pulled back in a tight ponytail. There was a thick scar cutting through his left brow that trailed over his cheekbone, and his eyes were the most incredible shade of ice blue.

Neil felt like one of those withered plant things that used to be mermaids in the sea witch Ursula’s cave in comparison.

Except he was bloated.

And stubbly.

At least his shirt was clean.

“I’m Lou Morénas-Mostro,” the man said in a gravelly voice, a low rumbling purr that accentuated his R’s. “I’m here for my plant.”

“You…” Neil looked back at the note.

The message had changed again:

I TOLD YOU!

Neil laughed nervously and shoved the note in his pocket.

It was perfectly fine that the note was magically changing every time he looked at it and never mind that Lou was the most gorgeous thing he’d ever seen in his entire life. This was all very normal, totally not out of the ordinary, and not freaking him out in the slightest.

Yeah, fuckin’ right.

“Something funny?” Lou asked briskly.

“No, nothing. Heh.” Neil cleared his throat. “You’re here for the night cactus, yeah? I’ll, I’ll go get it.”

“Who are you?” the man asked with a suspicious glare.

“Uh, Othniel Ricci. You can call me Neil.”

“I’ve always conducted my business with Mr. Ricci. You are not Mr. Ricci.”

“Excellent powers of observation you got there, big guy.” Neil stepped back so Lou could come inside. “I’m not the Mr. Ricci that you usually work with, but trust me that I can run the register just as well as he can.”

Lou scowled. “You think you’re cute, don’t you?”

“I’m adorable.”

Lou’s scowl deepened.

Neil was well aware that Lou could probably bench press him and hurl him across the room without breaking a sweat, but he never did like rude customers—even the hot ones. His natural defense mechanism was to get sassy, and he cocked his hip, defiantly staring Lou down and waiting for him to speak again.

He was ready with an entire litany of smartass comments.

To his surprise, Lou laughed.

“Feisty little thing, huh?” Lou smirked. “Fine, Mr. Adorable. I’ll deal with you. Go get my cereus.”

“Your what now?”

“The cactus.”

“Right.” Neil darted toward the greenhouse entryway, dropping the watering can off on the service counter along the way. He reached up for the planter, but realized he couldn’t get it down. He was tall enough to water it, but he couldn’t lift it high enough to slip it over the hook.

Lou approached from behind him, his long arms easily grabbing the planter and bringing it down.

The sudden proximity made Neil’s breath catch, and there was a brief moment where Lou’s chest was pressing up against Neil’s back. Neil lurched forward, surprised again when Lou grabbed his waist to steady him.

“You all right?” Lou asked.

“Fine.”

Fine as in this brief contact was the closest thing Neil had experienced to intimacy in months and he’d already broken part of the wall in his bedroom from railing himself too hard with his suction cup dildo.

He was still trying to figure out how he was going to explain the damage to his uncle and now he was already imagining Lou’s dick doing some delicious damage to his insides.

“Thank you.” Neil took the cactus, his face growing hot as he struggled not to think about anything else sexual right this very second, and suddenly sex was the only thing he could think about. “Lemme go check you out. Wait, I mean, let me, uh, ring you up. At the checkout.”

Lou was smirking again, and Neil noticed something under his jacket as he adjusted it.

A shoulder holster.

“Sure.” Lou didn’t seem to notice or care that Neil might have seen his weapon, and he followed Neil to the service counter.

Neil paused when he saw a small brown spider crawling over the register. He set the cactus down and then grabbed a red plastic cup from underneath the counter

He’d drawn cartoon spiders all over it and labeled it SPIDEY JAIL.

“Spidery jail?” Lou asked, trying to read it.

“Spidey jail,” Neil corrected as he used a bit of receipt paper to encourage the spider into the cup. “Just give me a second to relocate my friend here.”

To his surprise and delight, Lou walked ahead of him to the door so he could hold it open for him.

“Thank you!” Neil quickly deposited the little spider in his new home, one of the big azaleas just outside the door. He walked back in, sharing a smile with Lou. “Sorry. I can’t stand to squish ’em.”

“I think it’s nice. Brings good luck.”

It was obvious now with the way Lou’s arm was stretched out holding the door that he definitely had a gun under his jacket.

Neil wondered if Lou was an off-duty cop or a bondsman, and his train of thought halted there because he couldn’t think of any other professions that would need a gun at nine o’clock in the morning and require wearing a suit.

“Well, good. I could use some.” Neil walked back to the counter with Lou behind him, knowing he should really keep his mouth shut, but they had just bonded over spider relocation. As he took his spot back at the register, he felt comfortable enough to tease, “So, you expecting someone to mug you on the way home and take your cactus?”

Lou’s nose wrinkled, and then he laughed when it must have dawned on him what Neil had seen. “One can’t be too careful these days.”

“Hope you got silver bullets!”

Lou’s eyes narrowed, and he snapped, “Excuse me?”

Neil flinched, taken aback by Lou’s abrupt attitude change. “B-because it’s a full moon tonight? You know, uh, in case of werewolves?”

“Is that supposed to be funny?”

“Yes?”

Lou leaned over the counter, studying Neil’s face carefully. “Did your uncle tell you who the fuck I am? Is this a joke?”

“What? No!” Neil refused to cower, getting right in Lou’s face and snapping, “You’d think he would have warned me about the smokin’ hot douche nozzle who might show up to get his stupid fuckin’ cactus.”

Yup.

This would be how he died.

Murdered to death by a sexy guy for running his big mouth. Hopefully the many spider rescues over the years would help him end up in a good place.

Lou scoffed, but then he appeared to relax. “I’m sorry. I thought… never mind.” He sighed. “Please. Accept my apologies.”

“No.” Neil smiled sweetly, forcing himself to stay composed even though his bones were shaking inside. He checked the side of the planter for the price tag, eager now to get Lou out of his sight.

There was a sticker with a star which meant it was already paid for.

“Here.” Neil nudged the planter toward Lou. “You’re good to go.”

“Pardon?”

“It’s already paid for.” Neil gestured to the sticker. “You have yourself a wonderful day and never come back until at least the end of summer.”

“I am very sorry,” Lou said, making no effort to take the planter or leave. “Please.” He held out a hand and took Neil’s. “I thought you were making a joke at my expense. I would never do anything to upset my relationship with this store, your uncle, or his extremely good-looking nephew who is charming, witty, and whose compassion for spiders is very endearing.”

Neil hesitated. “Okay, keep talking.”

Lou chuckled, and he gave Neil’s hand a soft squeeze.

Neil’s heart sputtered, and he stared at their joined hands hoping his palm wasn’t sweating as badly as he thought it was. He noticed Lou was wearing a silver charm bracelet with glass beads, but he didn’t look at it for long—not when he had Lou’s dazzling smile to admire.

“I’m so sorry, in fact, that I would like to make it up to you,” Lou went on. “How about dinner?”

“Dinner?” Neil echoed in surprise. “You’re asking me out?”

“Yes. In hopes that it will repair our professional relationship.”

“How professional are we talking?”

“Mmm.” Lou’s gaze wandered over Neil with obvious admiration. “Business casual for now?”

“What is that, like a polo shirt and a blowjob?”

Lou laughed. “What?”

“Or like a shirt and tie with some frottage?”

Lou’s eyes twinkled. “Why don’t we see how the night goes?”

“Well, this is officially my longest relationship so far this year, and we’ve already had our first fight and made up. Look at us. I think it’s gonna go great.”

Lou chuckled again. “I think so too.” He rubbed his thumb over Neil’s knuckles before withdrawing. “What time tomorrow?”

“Not tonight, huh? Important werewolf stuff to do?”

Lou grinned slyly. “Something like that.”

“The shop closes at nine, but I could be persuaded to close up around eight.”

“All right then, it’s a date.”

“This had better be a nice restaurant. Cloth napkins nice. You hear me?”

“Loud and clear.” Lou picked up the cactus. “I’ll see you tomorrow at eight o’clock sharp.” He cocked his head, looking Neil over. “Wear something blue.”

“Uh, all right.” Neil was so surprised by the odd request that he didn’t know what else to say. He’d never had anyone tell him what to wear before, and he honestly wasn’t sure if he should be creeped out or flattered. “See you tomorrow.”

Lou offered one more dazzling smile and then left.

“Holy fuck.” Neil exhaled sharply and plopped down on the stool behind the counter. “Did that happen? Did I just get a date with the hot douche nozzle?” He paused. “Am I talking to myself now? Yes. Fuck.”

Neil took a few moments to process what had been the most frustrating and equally sizzling exchange he’d ever had with a customer. Lou’s shit attitude about the werewolf joke was a red flag, but Neil told himself it was only one date.

Maybe lycanthropy was a sensitive subject for him—perhaps Lou had been really hairy in high school and he’d been teased and called a werewolf.

What that scenario had to do with Neil’s uncle he didn’t know, but he was willing to ignore it for now in favor of dinner. It felt like there had been some real chemistry between him and Lou, and maybe he would even get laid if he played his cards right.

After all, what was a fight without makeup sex?

“Then again,” Neil mumbled as he headed into the greenhouse, “he only asked you out after he pissed you off. So, he might just really wanna keep shopping here and not actually be interested.”

“Oh no, darling,” a sultry female voice soothed. “Louis would have never asked you out if he didn’t find you attractive.”

“What?” Neil spun around, but there was no one behind him.

There was no one else anywhere.

He was alone.

He grabbed the note out of his pocket.

It read: ???

Not very helpful.

“He has so many other ways to make people do what he wants,” a deep, growling male voice drawled. “Bribery, brute force, brute bribery.”

“See?” the female voice said. “He must like you!”

“Who the fuck is there?” Neil raised the watering can, his eyes widening in frantic search of an explanation—a speaker, a phone, any sort of device that would transmit these strange voices.

“Oh! Right, of course.” The female chuckled. “I’m so sorry, darling. Allow me to introduce myself.”

A woman in a dress with a poofy skirt and a frilly apron appeared. Her hair was done up in curlers beneath a polka-dotted wrap, and she had cherry red lipstick that matched her long nails. She literally popped out of thin air, perfectly solid and standing right in front of Neil.

“Hi! I’m Myrna,” she cooed. “It’s so very nice to meet you.”

Neil laughed.

He didn’t know what else to do.

Beside her, a giant dog appeared. Giant as in it was the size of a Clydesdale, and it had jet black fur and glowing red eyes. Its ears were pointed, its back was arched at an unnaturally high angle, and it was more than big enough to snap off Neil’s head with one bite.

Oh, and because it apparently needed to be extra terrifying, there were chunks of fur missing on its sides, exposing its ribs, but there were burning orange embers inside instead of organs or flesh.

Neil laughed harder.

Clearly, he was having a nervous breakdown of some kind.

The note was equally concerned.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

It was nice to know someone cared, but Neil was nearly hysterical now.

“Well, I suppose it’s better than screaming, but are we sure he’s well?” the dog asked.

“I’m sure he’s fine!” Myrna said. “I think he may need a moment to calm down, that’s all.”

“He needs to change those shoes too. They’re hideous.”

Neil sat right in the middle of the floor because of course the dog was talking, since that was clearly just what happened when someone was having a mental collapse.

People appeared out of nowhere, notes wrote new messages all by themselves, and giant dogs made bitchy comments.

“Are you all right, darling?” Myrna asked slowly, enunciating each word carefully. “Do you need anything? Maybe some water?”

“I’m great. Super great.” Neil wiped at his face. He’d been laughing so hard that he’d cried, and now he was shaking. “So, uh, is this the part where I die, pass out, or what?”

“Or put on different shoes,” the dog whispered loudly.

“Hey, fuck you, zombie Clifford,” Neil grumbled. “They’re Crocs, and they’re comfortable.”

“The holes must be where all your sense of shame drains out.”

“Right, so.” Myrna cleared her throat. “I’m Myrna, in case you forgot, and this handsome fella here is Flanders. We live inside the Reliquary, that nifty little bracelet you’ve got on.”

“I’m not wearing…” Neil looked down at his wrist.

It was Lou’s bracelet, the one he had seen with the glass beads earlier. Upon closer inspection, he saw each bead was actually a small hollow glass container full of either dirt, sand, hair, or…

Bone.

“There’s a whole bunch of us in there, one in each little cabochon, but most times you won’t see anybody else but me and Flanders, seein’ as how the others are real shy,” Myrna went on cheerfully. “Saving that little spider sure made Buffy happy though.”

“Who?” Neil asked.

“She’s another spirit. Buffy is actually short for Bupha—rghhrhhhrghh.” Myrna made a horrible, rhythmic retching sound. “See? Buffy is so much easier to say. And she is real particular about how people treat critters, big and small. I think she’s been bored with Lou. It’s always the same with him, but you’re so spunky and new!”

“Lou.” Neil took a deep breath. “I need to call Lou and tell him to come back here right now and get his crazy bracelet full of people and talking dogs and weird magical notes.”

“Magical notes?” Myrna blinked.

“This has to have something to do with you guys, right?” Neil held up the note.

HELLO! the note read.

“Oh! How curious.” Myrna frowned. “I’m sorry, but I’m not sure we’ve had the pleasure.”

HI

“My goodness! This is indeed most unusual. Hello there!”

NICE TO MEET YOU

“So, you don’t know why it’s doing that?” Neil shoved the chatty note back into his pocket. “Because it didn’t start acting weird until that cactus thing bloomed and Lou showed up.”

“Afraid not. It is very strange that it can see me. But aw! Don’t you worry.” Myrna patted Neil’s shoulder. “Lou will be back before you know it once he realizes we’re missing. He knows a lot about magic. He’ll probably know. He’ll be back real soon, I promise.”

“How soon?”

“Well, I do hope it’s before the sun goes down.” Myrna smiled sheepishly. “That lil’ werewolf joke of yours… Let’s say it might have been a little on the nose.” She grinned. “Or snout. Or the tail.”

Flanders huffed. “I think he gets it.”

“No,” Neil snapped. “No, he doesn’t fuckin’ get it because what you and the damn talking dog are both saying is insane. Are you seriously telling me that hot douche nozzle Lou that I just met is a damn werewolf?”

Myrna ducked her head sheepishly. “Now I can’t tell you that he’s not because then I’d be a big ol’ liar pants on fire, darling.”

“Oh no.” Neil cringed.

“Oh yes.”

“Oh shit.”

“Maybe change first,” Flanders suggested. “Werewolves are very sensitive to fashion.”

CHAPTER TWO

Werewolves are real and I have a talking bracelet.” Neil laughed. “Great.”

“You have the Reliquary,” Myrna corrected.

“And ugly shoes,” Flanders added smugly. “Werewolves despise all manner of clogs.”

Neil ignored him. “And the Reliquary is what now?”

“An eternal repository for wayward spirits collected by a great wizard. There are nine chambers and each contains an earthly fragment of the spirit’s former vessel.” Myrna pointed. “That one near your thumb, the little curl? That’s mine!”

There was indeed a small curl of brown hair where Myrna indicated, and Neil frowned. “And why did this wizard want to collect a bunch of dead people’s souls?”

“For our magic, obviously.” Myrna beamed. “I am quite the kitchen witch, I’ll have you know.”

“What do you do?” Neil asked Flanders. “Bark at squirrels? Chase the mailman?”

“I can channel the eternal fire and toxic sulfur straight from Hell, but please, keep making dog jokes.” Flanders rolled his eyes.

“Will do.” Neil looked back to Myrna. “Is he for real? Like, is all of this… really for real?”

“I’m not sure what you mean.” Myrna’s brow furrowed. “We’re here to serve whoever holds the Reliquary. Which is you right now, of course.”

“Serve how?”

“However you’d wish!” Myrna held up her finger. “Within reason. You can’t ask us to perform tasks outside of our abilities and get your mind out of the gutter because we’re not those kinds of spirits.”

“So, no askin’ Ned over there for doggy style?”

“My name is Flanders,” Flanders growled.

“Right. Got it. No Simpsons in Hell, I guess.” Neil slowly stood and then took a few careful steps away from Myrna and Flanders toward the counter. “What, uh, kinda stuff did Lou ask you to do?”

“I mostly brewed potions for him. Salves, ointments, lots of things like that.” Myrna beamed. “Monster anatomy is very unique and often requires very special treatment, and no one likes going to see the doctor, even monsters. Like, oh! Luke, the changeling, he needed—”

“A changeling?” Neil kept backing up until he hit the counter.

“Yes! A magical being capable of changing their shape into another.”

“After they’ve eaten them,” Flanders cheerfully added.

“Eaten them?” Neil fell against the stool trying to sit down.

“No, they don’t!” Myrna scolded. She hesitated, adding, “Well, not always. Some of them only need a tiny nibble. Anyway! He has very sensitive skin, so I made him an ointment of amla juice, beef jerky crumbles, and coconut oil. And oh! Mr. Azazel, the demon—”

“Demon?” Neil’s voice cracked.

“Yes, a demon.” Myrna continued on as if this wasn’t a horrifying revelation. “He picked up some sort of strange cough after his last visit to Hell, so I made him a tea with honey, salt, and ground pumice. I added some licorice too! Worked like a charm.”

Neil finally managed to sit on the stool, grateful for the counter to give him some space between Myrna and Flanders. Myrna had followed him right over while Flanders chose to curl up on the floor just in front of the greenhouse doorway.

“Sounds delicious,” Neil squeaked out.

“He seemed to like it!” Myrna smiled sweetly. “Vilanos, one of the fae princes, is also a huge fan of my apple cobbler.”

“Oh. Fae? Like a faerie? That’s, that’s nice.”

“They’re really not,” Flanders drawled. “You’d be safer with a demon.”

Neil had no idea what to make of that, blinking rapidly as he said, “So. Demons. Werewolves. Faeries. Uh, those are all real?”

“Of course.” Myrna chuckled. “You’re in a tranquilla città dove i mostri vivono liberamenete, or a città sicura if your Italian’s spotty. It’s a safe place for monsters, witches, wizards, and all manner of not-exactly-human people. Somerstown is the largest in the country! Isn’t that neat?”

“So neat.”

“Lou’s family, the Mostros, has been watching over the city’s monster population for generations. He’s one of their underbosses, a very prestigious position, and it was an honor to work for him! So much nicer than our previous owner.”

“The wizard?”

“No, no. We were stolen from the wizard in the eighties and ended up with some awful man who wanted to get into politics.”

“At least he dressed nice,” Flanders called out.

“Well, he was still awful.” Myrna huffed. “Buffy ate him, and then we—”

“W-wait, wait, why is everyone into eating people?” Neil sputtered.

“Buffy is a very sensitive beast, and she did not like that man yelling at her. Our next owner was very kind, an old woman who found us in a pawn shop. Her name was Birdie, and she was such a dear. We lived with her for just shy of thirty years before she passed away. Old age, I promise. No one got eaten!”

“That’s nice.” Neil checked his forehead to see if he was running a fever. His brain hurt trying to keep up with everything Myrna was saying because it sounded insane. To think this city was full of monsters and he had a date with one of them tomorrow was a bit more than he could process at once.

He was certain, however, that he did not want to meet Buffy.

“Lou had heard about the Reliquary and bought us from Birdie’s family. Buffy thought he smelled very nice and decided to let us go with him, especially after seeing how kind he was to Birdie’s grandchildren.” Myrna smiled. “That was almost a year ago and now… Oh! I suppose we belong to you.”

“I… I don’t need any ointments or salves—”

“There are still eight more spirits who might be able to help you!”

“Seven,” Flanders complained.

“Shush, you. Be nice!”

“Too bad there’s not a spirit who can save someone from their own torturous clothing choices.” Flanders sniffed the air. “Or bad breath.”

Neil pulled himself out of his daze to address the insult. “That’s rich coming from someone who probably has extreme ball breath from laying around licking them all day.”

“Hmm.” Flanders sniffed some more. “Smells like jealousy to me.”

“Can it, flea bag.”

“Are yours missing? When did you first notice?”

“I’ve never been a fan of shock collars, but I’m starting to see the appeal.”

“Certainly explains the Crocs now.” Flanders put his head back down.

“You…” Neil fumed. “Bad dog!”

Flanders snorted.

Myrna cleared her throat. “Now, now, there’s no need for any of that! Flanders really does like you. If he didn’t at least think you were interesting, he wouldn’t be here.”

“That makes me feel so much better.” Neil took a deep breath. “The hellhound likes making fun of me. Wonderful. So, uh, how soon can I call Lou?”

“Oh.” Myrna frowned. “I’m sorry. Is it me? Am I talking too much? I know I can be a bit of a chatterbox. I really don’t mean to be! I’ve always loved talking, and I get excited when I meet new people! We don’t really get to meet many, and I… Oh, I’m doing it right now, aren’t I?”

“No, it’s okay.” Neil managed a small smile. “This is a lot for me. But I do like talking to you. And you’re very nice. So nice. Much nicer than the hellhound, who’s probably due for his rabies shot or something.”

Flanders growled.

“Aw, well, thank you.” Myrna curtsied. “I’m so glad! Even if we return to Lou, I do hope we get to see you again!”

“That would be great,” Neil said, even as he had sincere doubts about dating a werewolf. “But, uh, how does the return work exactly?”

“Well, it’s up to Buffy really. She’s the strongest of us and makes those big decisions. Right now, she still seems pretty set on us staying with you.” Myrna shrugged. “Hard to say what she’ll want to do.”

“I, I think I am going to call Lou now and we’ll get this all sorted out.” Neil scrambled for the Rolodex to look up his phone number. It was organized alphabetically, and the first entry was Aaron Aaronson.

Or, at least it was until the words magically changed:

HERE IT IS

555-555-1126

Neil shrieked and threw the Rolodex. “What the fuck?”

Myrna ducked out of the way as the Rolodex hit the floor beside her. “Oh!”

“The thing, it changed! It changed again!” Neil shouted as he jumped to his feet. He picked up the stool and raised it over his head. “Why is it doing that?”

“Well, we can certainly figure it out—” Myrna soothed.

The door opened and in walked Miss Loy.

Neil froze.

Miss Loy was an elderly woman with blue hair who always carried a big yellow umbrella with her no matter what the weather was. She came right in, smiling brightly as she said, “Oh! Hello there, Neil.” She eyed the stool. “Getting a workout in?”

“Uh...” Neil glanced over at Myrna and Flanders.

“Pssst, don’t worry!” Myrna whispered loudly. “She won’t be able to see or hear us! Only people who have owned the Reliquary can.”

Neil nodded and then replied to Miss Loy, saying, “Y-yes ma’am! Just, uh, you know, getting a little stiff from sitting here all day, so I decided to move around a bit!”

“Exercise is key to a long and healthy life,” Miss Loy said sagely. “My sweet Lydia and I still take long walks through Shelley Park every morning. It’s so lovely, especially when all the azaleas are in bloom!”

“That sounds so beautiful.” Neil forced a smile.

“Oh!” Miss Loy reached for the fallen Rolodex. “Were you working out with this too?”

“Yes. I was.” Neil gulped. “D-do you want me to get your order?”

“Please, thank you.”

Flanders sniffed the air, grunted, and then put his head down. “She’s a naga.”

“A what?” Neil snapped.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t say anything?” Miss Loy blinked.

“Right. Sorry. I’m, uh, hearing things. I’ll be right back.” Neil stepped out from behind the counter to first retrieve the Rolodex from Miss Loy. He placed it on the counter facing the wall so he wouldn’t have to risk seeing any other strange messages, and then he headed to the cooler door, a discreet panel hidden in the wall just before the entryway to the greenhouse.

It was designed to look like the rest of the brick wall, and it was almost impossible to see unless someone knew what they were looking for. It was accessible via a small notch in part of the brick that opened it.

Neil hurried inside the spacious cooler, glad for the chilled air within to calm him. He knew Miss Loy’s order was a dozen yellow roses, and he found them in the usual spot in one of the many plastic tubs. He turned around, almost running right into Myrna, who had followed him in.

“Shit!” Neil jumped.

“Oh! Sorry!” Myrna backed up, grinning sheepishly. “I was curious what was back here.”

“Hey! What did Flanders mean about Miss Loy being a naga?”

“Flanders has a fantastic sense of smell. He can sniff out monsters even when they’re hiding in human form.”

“You’re telling me that Miss Loy is a snake lady person?”

Myrna shrugged. “If Flanders says she is, she must be.”

“But she’s… I…”

“Deep breaths, darling.” Myrna rubbed his shoulders. “Maybe I should make you some tea?”

“No weird monster tea!”

“No, no! A nice calming chamomile, how’s that?”

“Add some vodka and you got a deal.”

“Is everything okay in there?” Miss Loy called out hesitantly. “Are you all right, Neil?”

“Fine, Miss Loy! Be right there!” Neil hurried out of the cooler. He wasn’t sure if Myrna could follow, so he left the door open as he rushed to the register. “Here we go!”

Miss Loy grunted as Neil thrust the flowers at her. “Oof! All right!”

“Thank you, ma’am. Sorry again about the wait.” Neil snatched her credit card from her hand as soon as he could.

Myrna came out and then shut the door. She cringed.

Miss Loy jumped, startled by a door that appeared to close by itself since she couldn’t see Myrna. “There must be a draft in here!”

“Yes! So drafty. Very drafty.” Neil quickly rang her up. “Do you want your receipt, Miss Loy?”

“No, I’m all right, thank you.” Miss Loy eyed Neil. “Try to take it easy, okay?”

“Yes, ma’am. Thank you so much. I will.” Neil forced on his customer service smile, hoping it wasn’t obvious that he was imagining what Miss Loy really looked like underneath her wrinkles.

Scales, obviously.

But would they be green? Black? Purple?

“Take care now!” Miss Loy waved as she left, though she did glance back worriedly at Neil one more time.

Neil waited until she was out of view completely from the front windows before he sighed in relief. “Holy shit. Okay, yes. I need to call Lou right now.” He turned the Rolodex around to get the phone number, but all he saw was the card for Mr. Aaronson. “Oh, come on.”

Then the words changed:

ARE YOU MAD AT ME? :(

“I’m sorry,” Neil said. “I was a tiny bit freaked out that the Rolodex was talking to me.” He looked to Myrna. “You really have no idea what this is?”

“Can’t say I do.” Myrna shrugged. “I’ve never met a possessed house before.”

“Possessed?”

“It doesn’t smell possessed as much as it smells enchanted,” Flanders chimed in. “Would explain why it can see and hear us.”

“Are you enchanted or possessed?” Neil asked the Rolodex.

The letters moved around again.

I’M ACTUALLY

The words stopped there and then changed again, writing quickly:

WATCH OUT!!!

“For what—”

The front window exploded inward as a giant monster leapt through it with a horrible howl. Flanders leapt to his feet, impossibly fast as he dove over to shield Neil from the shower of glass. The entire window was shattered as was part of the frame, and the monster was a…

It was a…

Neil laughed.

Laughing was apparently his new reaction to all things shocking and horrible because the monster that had come crashing into the flower shop was a werewolf.

The beast was a giant anthropomorphic wolf with shaggy gray fur and bright orange eyes. Its body shape was generally humanoid with broad shoulders and powerful arms, though its head was absolutely that of a big wolf. It reared up from where it had landed on the floor, standing on its two powerful hind legs and glaring at Neil.

Neil screamed.

Myrna screamed.

They ran.

The cooler was the safest place Neil could think of, but the werewolf cut them off. It jumped right in front of them, blocking the hidden door with a furious snarl.

Neil and Myrna screamed again and then tried to bolt around it.

The werewolf swiped at Neil, catching his shirt sleeve and shredding it.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” Neil groaned.

“Neil!” Myrna cried. “Oh, your poor shirt—”

“Just fucking run!”

Neil grabbed Myrna’s hand as they bolted to the greenhouse. He had no idea why he was headed this way except it was in the opposite direction of the giant werewolf. He looked back to see Flanders chomping down on the werewolf’s leg to keep it from following them, and the werewolf was more than a bit stunned to be attacked by something it couldn’t see.

“How the fuck is there a werewolf in the middle of the fucking day?” Neil demanded.

Myrna gasped. “You know they don’t actually need a full moon to shift, right?”

“I fucking do now!”

Two more werewolves busted through the greenhouse windows, and Neil and Myrna clung to each other, screaming.

“Give us the bracelet,” the larger of the werewolves ordered. “Now!”

Flanders pushed himself in front of Myrna and Neil, and he let loose a stream of white fire from his mouth. The flames sent the werewolves running for cover, but one of them tripped over a large planter. Flanders marched forward, spitting out more fire and catching the werewolf in the blast, turning him into a charred skeleton within seconds.

The flames were unlike anything Neil had ever seen before. Even as he stared at what used to be a giant werewolf, the floor beneath its body was untouched. The fire was precisely targeted and once the object of its aim had been decimated, the flames simply extinguished themselves. Whatever was left behind of the wolf continued to smolder until it was nothing but ashes.

The gray werewolf who had busted through the front window was up on its feet again, charging now toward Myrna and Neil.

Neil was positive this was going to be how he died.

Kibbles ‘n Bits for a werewolf.

A haunting howl pierced the air, loud enough to rattle the windows. Neil tried to look for the source, and he saw a massive black shadow zooming through the air to tackle the attacking werewolf.

It was another werewolf.

This one was the biggest yet, with jet black fur dusted with silver and gleaming blue eyes. The black werewolf took the gray one to the ground with an epic roar, clawing and tearing at its throat. The small werewolf who’d retreated earlier was back to join the fray, but the black wolf easily tossed it aside for Flanders to incinerate.

Neil couldn’t tear his eyes away from the giant black werewolf, his heart pounding as he realized he’d seen those icy blue eyes before and the scar cutting across the left one was so very familiar…

The black werewolf continued to wrestle with the gray one until there was a sickening crunch—the gray wolf’s neck breaking.

Neil shuddered.

The black werewolf pulled away with a growl, rising to its feet and brushing off its fur. In a low, growly tone, it said, “Flanders, if you please.”

“I don’t work for you anymore,” Flanders said sweetly. “But I do love burning things, so I’m only doing this because I want to. Not because you’re telling me to.” He spit a blast of fire at the gray werewolf’s corpse, reducing it to ash like the others.

The black werewolf then began to change. Its fur receded to reveal flesh, and there was a noisy popping sound as it shrunk, no doubt from its bones rearranging themselves. The shift revealed a human who was impressive in his own right as he was muscular, thick, and…

Naked.

Oh, so very naked.

It was Lou.

Neil couldn’t help but stare, gawking at the feast of beautiful bare skin before him.

Lou’s hair was falling around his face like a wild mane, and his broad chest heaved from the exertion of battle. Every inch of his powerful body spoke of brute strength, and his muscles were absolutely bulging. He had a thick sweep of hair across his torso that led an enticing trail right down to his—yup, naked.

So definitely naked.

Neil jerked his eyes upward.

“Hi, Lou!” Myrna whispered loudly as she gave a little wave before going back to clinging to Neil.

“Hello, Myrna.” Lou smiled, though it was strained. His gaze snapped to Neil. “Summon the Architect. Now.”

“Summon the what now?” Neil blinked.

“Summon the Architect. From the Reliquary.”

“Wow.” Neil laughed. “It’s so fucking cute you think I know what that is or how to do it!”

“He really has no idea what he’s doing.” Flanders snorted. “Look at his shoes.”

“You say, Architect, awaken,” Myrna whispered urgently to Neil.

“And what will that do?” Neil scoffed. “Summon more werewolves? Maybe a fucking naga? Oh! How about a dragon that shits gold?”

“The Architect will fix this.” Lou crossed his arms. “Hurry up before the police arrive. We need to leave as soon as possible.”

“Excuse me?”

“Now!” Lou barked.

“For fuck’s sake, you really are such a douche.” Neil freed himself from Myrna and looked down at the bracelet. He felt absolutely ridiculous, but he said, “Architect… awaken?”

There was no magic puff of smoke or glittering clouds to announce the Architect’s arrival. It was simply there, as if it had been standing there all along, an unnaturally tall and thin creature that had to bend at its waist to fit inside the greenhouse. It had smooth white skin like marble, and it was covered in strange structures rupturing right out of its flesh that looked like archways and stairs. Its face was gaunt with deep set black eyes, a tiny nose, and a wide mouth full of overly large teeth.

It was one of the most terrifying things Neil had ever seen, and he had to swallow back the urge to scream again.

It leaned down close to Neil, staring expectantly.

“Ask him pretty please to fix the shop,” Myrna urged.

“Uh. Sure. Yes.” Neil cleared his throat. “Mr. Architect, please—”

“Pretty please.”

“Will you pretty please fix the shop?”

The Architect said nothing, but he turned to appraise the damage in the greenhouse. His body squeaked like rusty hinges as he moved, and he lumbered over to the shattered glass and framework. He leaned down, his long arms scooping up the debris and then shoving it into his mouth, his large teeth gnashing away.

The very sound of teeth on metal and glass made the inside of Neil’s ear tickle, and he shuddered. He jumped when strong hands grabbed his shoulders, and he jerked his head up to find Lou standing in front of him.

“Are you all right?” Lou asked, his brow furrowed.

“Oh, I’m fucking peachy.” Neil laughed wildly. “I have a possessed bracelet, a talking dog is constantly insulting my shoes—”

“They’re hideous,” Flanders sniped.

“—werewolves just trashed my uncle’s shop, and you! The hot douche I’m supposed to go on a date with tomorrow! You’re a fucking werewolf!”

Lou flashed a cheeky grin. “Surprise?”

“No! Fuck you! This is not a surprise! This, this is—!” Neil stuttered as Myrna handed him a coffee mug he’d never seen before. “This is tea?”

“Chamomile,” Myrna said cheerfully. “To help soothe those nerves, darling.”

“I’m sure you have a lot of questions,” Lou said, “and I’m very sorry that you got involved. Listen to me, please. We need to—”

The Architect retched loudly, puking the debris it had been chowing down on in a shower of glittering liquid aimed at the broken windows. The liquid suddenly took form and grew solid, reforming the damaged greenhouse windows until there was no sign they had ever been broken.

It was both revolting and fascinating.

Neil slurped his tea.

The Architect cocked his head, as if appraising his work. He glanced over the shop, and then he stalked over to the front window to eat the broken glass and wood there, doubtless to repeat the gross process.

“We need to go,” Lou said firmly. “You must relinquish control of the Reliquary over to me immediately. You have no idea what sort of power you’re playing with.”

“I’m not trying to play with anything!” Neil defended. “It’s not my fault the damn thing decided to jump on me!”

“Those were mostri ribelli, monsters who refuse to bow to the family’s authority and have been organizing a revolution against us.” Lou swept his hair out of his face. “I don’t know how, but they now know that a human has the Reliquary, and they will stop at nothing to take it from you.”

“Kill me.” Neil inhaled sharply. “You’re saying they’ll kill me.”

Myrna patted Neil’s shoulder. “Drink your tea, darling.”

“Yes.” Lou grimaced. “They want its power to take over the city and oust my family, and I will not let that happen.”

“Isn’t your family still fighting over it too, though?” Myrna pointed out with a curious quirk of her brow.

“I can handle them,” Lou replied. “The Reliquary chose me, and it will choose me again. Now, let’s go.”

“Wait, wait, wait!” Neil gestured wildly, backpedaling toward the counter and the safety of his stool. “I’m not going anywhere until you answer my questions! And oh, do I have a lot of them!”

Lou sighed heavily. “We don’t have time for this.”

“Well, you’re gonna make time because I’m not leaving until you do.” Neil held his head high.

“Okay, fine. What do you want to know?”

Neil panicked and sipped his tea. “Uh…”

“Well?”

“Well, now I can’t think of anything.”

The Architect puked again, his magical liquid vomit repairing the broken front window. He made a low rumble that sounded very pleased, and he turned to Neil with a big grin.

“Great job with the vomit. Looks awesome.” Neil gave him a thumbs-up. “Thank you.”

The Architect eyed Neil and then licked one of his long fingers. He reached out to tap Neil’s torn shirt, and the fabric magically melded back together.

“Whoa! Okay.” Neil cringed, wiping at his sleeve. “Could do without the drool, but hey, thank you very much.”

The Architect grinned one last time and then disappeared.

“Can we go now?” Lou pressed. “You can ask me whatever you want later, but we really need to leave before more monsters come. I highly doubt these wolves were working alone.”

Neil took a deep, cleansing breath.

He’d had quite a morning.

His uncle’s flower shop could talk, monsters were real, there were also bad monsters, and oh yeah, he had a magical bracelet full of freaky spirits that said bad monsters would murder him for.

Neil slurped the tea. “Fine. Yes. Whatever. I wanna get this damn thing off and go back to my nice boring life, please.”

“Of course.” Lou hesitated. “I need a favor first.”

“For fuck’s sake, what?”

“Give me a pair of pants.”

CHAPTER THREE

Neil decided that fighting off werewolves would have been easier than finding a pair of pants that fit Lou. Even his largest sweatpants were obscenely tight, though it was hard to appreciate the view right now.

The flower shop had been fully repaired thanks to the Architect, but Neil remained shaken from the attack and the mental overload of the morning’s revelations. He tried to put on his customer service armor to function, but he just felt numb as he locked up the shop, still hoping that this was some sort of crazy dream.

He’d wake up in his bedroom, maybe a bit hungover, and all of this insanity would be gone.

Lou grabbed his shoulder, unfortunately confirming that Neil was very much awake. “Are you ready?”

Neil gazed into Lou’s icy eyes and sighed. “Yeah, I guess.”

“Hey.” Lou’s expression softened. “I’m going to help you, okay? We’ll figure this out, I promise.”

“Yeah, sure. We’ll somehow remove the magical bracelet full of crazy ghosts so more werewolves don’t try to kill me.”

“Exactly.” Lou led Neil down to the end of the block where a big black pickup truck was parked.

They passed the torn remnants of the suit Lou had been wearing, prompting Neil to ask, “So, when you shift…”

“Yes, we have to be naked.” Lou opened the driver-side door and sat behind the wheel. He waited for Neil to slide into the passenger seat before he added, “Normally, I’d strip first, but I was kind of in a hurry.”

“How did you know we needed help?” Myrna asked, materializing in the back seat.

Neil flinched in surprise. “Jesus!”

“Sorry!”

“Yes, I was wondering that myself.” Flanders popped up beside Myrna and nearly filled the whole cab.

“Jesus!” Neil gasped. “Why do you guys keep doing that?”

“Why are you still wearing ugly shoes?”

“Flanders.” Lou sighed. “Compact version?”

Flanders turned up his nose as if to chastise Lou for ordering him around again, but he shrunk once he saw how he was squishing Myrna against the window. He was now the size of a large dog. “My apologies, Myrna.”

“Oof! No problem!” Myrna straightened out her apron. “So! Lou. How did you know?”

“Took me longer than I care to admit to realize I’d lost the Reliquary,” Lou said as he cranked the truck. “I remembered holding Neil’s hand and decided to circle back here, thought maybe it had slipped off then. Saw the wolves through the broken windows as I drove by so I parked, shifted, and hauled ass.”

“What happens now?” Neil asked. “You got some kind of magical jeweler who can take this thing off?” He tugged at the bracelet. “Because right now it’s very attached to me.”

“It’s complicated,” Lou said carefully, pulling out onto the street. “The spirits have free will and they can refuse a new owner. That’s why it’s so important to have good relationships with them all so they’ll help you when you need them.”

“Lou was a great owner,” Myrna confirmed sweetly. “I am going to miss him, but I do think you’re gonna be a swell owner too, Neil!”

“I’m not gonna be the owner,” Neil said quickly. “I, I have too much work to do!”

“We could help with that! I’m very good at gardening.”

“He doesn’t want you guys. I do.” Lou cut his eyes at Myrna through the rearview mirror. “You know I need you.”

“I know that, but it’s not up to me.” Myrna shrugged. “It’s up to Buffy.”

Lou gripped the steering wheel tighter.

“Let me guess.” Neil grinned. “Is Buffy the one spirit you didn’t have a good relationship with?”

Lou gritted his teeth.

“Great.” Neil glanced out the windshield. “I’m going to guess sawing off my hand won’t work?”

“No. Trust me, I would have already if it did.”

“Wow. I bet you’re super popular at parties.”

Lou snorted. “I do just fine at parties, thanks.”

“Where are we going?”

“My home.” Lou stopped at a red light. “I’m about to be late for a very important meeting and I want to make sure you’re somewhere safe. Right now, safe is with me.”

“That’s very sweet coming from the guy who was willing to saw my hand off.”

“The other monsters will not stop until they can take the Reliquary from your lifeless corpse. Sawing your hand off would have been pretty merciful if you ask me.”

“All right, Leatherface, whatever you say!”

“I am trying to help you,” Lou growled, hitting the gas a little harder than he probably needed to once the light changed. “We have to get through the meeting and—”

“Then what?”

“Then we figure out a way to return the Reliquary to me and you can go back to your perfectly boring little life.” Lou sighed haggardly. “I have people in the city depending on me and I need the Reliquary to protect them, all right?”

“More monsters?” Neil crossed his arms.

“The less you know, the better. And you already know way too much.”

“I guess this means our date is off, right?”

“What?” Lou frowned.

“Our date? Tomorrow? Don’t tell me you forgot!”

“No! I’ve just had slightly bigger things to worry about.”

“Well, now you don’t have to worry about it because I don’t date guys who have thought about cutting pieces of my body off!”

“The fuck do I care! I’ll cancel the fucking reservation!”

“Good!”

“Fine!”

“They really are adorable, aren’t they?” Myrna cooed.

“That’s a word for it,” Flanders said dryly.

“We are not adorable,” Neil argued. “We’re a giant barrel of red flags—”

“Everyone! Quiet!” Lou’s voice boomed. “I need to think.”

Myrna and Flanders shrank back, though Neil could clearly see Flanders silently mocking Lou. He sighed and looked back out the window, absently clicking his tongue. Every time he did it, Lou’s eyebrow twitched, so he kept right on doing it.

Lou’s eyebrow continued to wiggle in annoyance all the way to the Byron Tower, one of the tallest buildings in Somerstown. It was a massive skyscraper with a gleaming exterior of steel and tinted glass, a shadowy behemoth leering over the otherwise bright skyline. White azaleas were planted all along the walkway to the front doors.

Neil had thought it was the headquarters for a bank or some sort of tech company, so he was surprised when Lou drove into the Tower’s private parking garage.

“This is where you live?” Neil asked.

“Yes.” Lou pulled into a parking space that had a bronze placard with his initials. “My family owns the building. One of the floors is mine.”

“Wow, an entire floor. Are you sure that’s enough to hold your shit attitude?”

“Very funny.” Lou rolled his eyes and climbed out of the truck.

Neil got out too and then followed Lou to an elevator. Lou pressed the up button, and the doors opened immediately. He stepped in, ushering Neil to join him. Neil turned around in time to see the elevator doors closing in Flanders’s and Myrna’s faces.

“Hey!” Neil scowled. “Why are you leaving them?”

“They’ll be fine.” Lou hit the button for the twentieth floor. “They can’t exactly wander off. If you’re ever separated from them, they’re drawn back into the Reliquary and they can respawn from there.”

Myrna popped up next to them.

“See?” Lou said. “Just like that.”

“Where’s Flanders?” Neil asked.

“He’s taking a break.” Myrna smiled sweetly. “Truth be told, I think setting all those wolves on fire tuckered him out.”

“Yes, arson can be so tiring.”

The elevator dinged to signal their arrival, and Lou led Neil out into a lavish lobby. The carpet was plush, the wallpaper a rich brocade, and there was a big door across from the elevator. Lou unlocked the door, but he paused to glance at Neil over his shoulder.

“Please don’t touch anything.”

“Uh, okay.” Neil frowned. “Got it. No touching.”

“All right. Let’s go.” Lou opened the door and then quickly urged Neil inside.

It was a spacious apartment with impossibly high ceilings and a giant window wall through which sunlight poured into the living room. The floors here were wooden and covered in thick, colorful rugs. The oversized couch was dark orange, and the coffee table had a rainbow mosaic tile surface. There was a small bar with two red stools, and it too had a bright mosaic top.

The home was surprisingly warm and inviting, maybe even a little kitschy, and there was also an alarming number of cacti.

Some of them were in pots and planters on the floor, and more were crowded onto big racks beside the window. There were countless varieties, from angel wing to Easter and even a massive Saguaro, and several Neil didn’t recognize. A tiny golden barrel cactus in a mug was perched on the coffee table, and there was a big pillow shaped like a prickly pear cactus on the couch.

Neil was not surprised to catch a glimpse of some cactus-themed dish towels in the kitchen.

“You really like cactuses, huh?” Neil whistled. “Like, a lot.”

“Wait here.” Lou grumbled, marching off through a doorway just off from the living room.

“He loves them,” Myrna whispered gleefully. “He has cactus pajamas, socks, boxers. You name it.”

“Wow.” Neil tiptoed into the living room to get a look at the mosaic pattern on the table. It was of a wolf howling at a colorful sunset, and he saw the night-blooming cereus had a special stand of its own next to the couch. The bud was bigger, but it hadn’t bloomed yet. Lou must have made it all the way here to drop off the cereus and then realized he’d lost the Reliquary. He also noticed that the cacti all had names written on little plaques on their pots.

The Saguaro was named Rocky, the angel wing Sephiroth, the golden barrel Puffy, and so on.

Neil smiled.

It was actually pretty charming.

“He names them?” Neil asked.

“Of course!” Myrna grinned. “It’s good for the plants! I helped pick some of them out too. Puffy was one of mine.”

Neil laughed. “Not what I was expecting.”

“And what were you expecting?” Lou asked as he emerged from what was presumably his bedroom, as he had changed clothes. He was wearing a new suit and was sliding on the jacket.

“Guns, knives, and torture devices?” Neil tried not to stare as Lou adjusted his tie, but Lou did look so handsome in a suit.

He’d looked nice in those gray sweats too.

“Those are under my bed,” Lou teased. “I’d offer to show you, but my family is waiting. We need to go.”

“And what family is this? Your family?” Neil made a face. “More werewolves?”

“And… others.”

“Like?”

Lou huffed. “Don’t talk to anyone, okay? Especially Absolis and Vilanos.”

“Who the fuck are they?”

“Two of his brothers,” Myrna interjected with a helpful smile. “They’re fae princes and quite clever, so you would be wise to avoid them. Their dominion is the Ethereal, so anyone from that realm who wants to live here in Somerstown answers to them.”

Neil stared. “And the Ethereal is what now?”

“Oh! Right.” Myrna grinned. “There are four realms of existence. There’s the Terrestrial, which is this universe with Earth and all our little planets. Then there’s the Celestial—”

“Myrna,” Lou warned as he glanced at his watch. “Let’s just go, all right?”

Myrna made a zipping motion across her lips with her fingers, batting her eyes innocently at Lou. The second his back was turned, she looked at Neil and mouthed, “I’ll tell you later.”

Neil winked at her and mouthed back, “Thank you.”

Lou was already at the door. “Today, please?”

“Of course! Right away, sir!” Neil said with sugary sweetness as he caught up. “Anything else, sir? Fix your tie for you, sir? Bend over so you can kiss my ass, sir?”

Lou smiled. “Save it for after our date.”

“You mean, if I still go out with you.”

“Oh, you will.” Lou winked. “You like me.”

Neil didn’t have a response to that except to blush as he stumbled after Lou back out into the hallway. They headed into the elevator again, and Lou pressed his hand against the panel.

A new row of buttons appeared, but none of the numbers made any sense.

“Three and a half? Twelve and three quarters?” Neil read out loud. “Thirty three point three?”

Lou ignored him and pressed the one that said thirty three point three.

“Some of the floors aren’t technically in this dimension,” Myrna whispered loudly.

“No. Right. Of course not.” Neil scoffed. “Why would they be?”

The elevator dinged and the doors opened to reveal a surprisingly normal waiting room. Neil wasn’t sure what he had been expecting, but certainly not this. Everything was clean and modern, though the various landscape paintings hanging on the walls were a bit dreary. There was a redheaded young man sitting behind a desk beside a large set of double doors. When he saw Lou, he jumped to his feet.

“Sir!” he said. “They’re getting ready to start—”

“I know!” Lou barked, ignoring the man as he made a beeline for the double doors.

“Who is that—” The redhead stared at Neil.

“My guest! Who is walking far too slowly.” Lou glared back at Neil.

Neil decided to walk even more slowly just for that remark, and he gave the receptionist a friendly smile. “Hi, how are you? My name’s Neil. I like candlelit dinners, moonlit walks on the beach, and really big—”

“Come on!” Lou grabbed Neil’s arm and dragged him through the doors with him.

The new room was large, round, and made entirely of black stone. The walls were lined with shelves crammed full of books and scrolls, and the only light came from burning sconces framing the heavily curtained windows. There was a circular table right in the middle with five ornate gothic chairs. They looked like thrones, though one in particular stood out because it was the largest and directly faced the door.

It was creepy, dreary, and definitely much more on brand for what Neil would expect out of a family of monsters.

There was quite a crowd of people in here, all men in suits or other fashionable attire, and every fiber of Neil’s being screamed at him to turn around and run. After all, while these men looked human, he was very certain that none of them were.

And, oh great, they were all staring at Neil now.

Fabulous.

“Myrna, find a seat for Neil,” Lou said quickly. “I need to talk to my brothers.”

“Of course!” Myrna gently touched Neil’s shoulder. “Here, follow me.”

Neil let Myrna lead him over to a small chaise beside one of the bookshelves, and he sat down heavily. He watched Lou approach two lithe young men who were practically identical in stature and build, though one had warm brown skin and long silver braids and the other was pale white with short golden curls. Their suits were the same style—a fitted jacket with a pink orchid in the lapel, sleek pants, and a cropped dress shirt to show off their lean stomachs.

They were both absolutely stunning.

“That’s Absolis and Vilanos Mostro,” Myrna whispered.

“Why are you whispering?” Neil whispered back, well aware that anyone looking at him right now would think he was talking to himself. “No one else can hear you, right?”

“Oh right! Well, that’s them. They’re the fae princes I was telling you about. Absolis is the fellow with the long braids, and Vilanos has the fluffy curls. Anything from the Ethereal must answer to them.”

“And the Ethereal is what now?”

“A dangerous and magical world that shadows our own.”

“Okay. Makes perfect sense.” Neil watched a man with fierce eyes and salt and pepper hair in a sharp blue three-piece suit approach Lou and the twins. He had a white flower pinned to his jacket, maybe a lily. “And who is that guy?”

“That’s Mr. Heiss.” Myrna was whispering again.

“Not Mr. Mostro?”

“No. I don’t know! They just call him Mr. Heiss. He has dominion over anyone from the Celestial, a realm most people consider to be Heaven and Hell. It’s between the Terrestrial and the Ethereal, but also above and below it? It’s complicated. Anyway. It’s full of angels, demons, and all manner of hellhound type beasts. Mr. Heiss is a very powerful demon.”

Although they didn’t join the conversation, a young blond with a thick metal collar and a man with unnaturally bright red hair hovered near Mr. Heiss.

“And them?” Neil asked quietly.

“The guy with the crazy red hair is Azazel, also a demon,” Myrna replied.

“And the twinky little blond?”

“Sariel, a fallen angel.”

“Right, of course, ha.” Neil scrubbed his face. “So, what’s Lou in charge of then?”

“The Terrestrial. Monsters native to this planet like werewolves, other shifters, vampires—”

“What?” Neil squeaked. “Vampires are real too?”

“Of course they are.” Myrna patted Neil’s shoulder. “Don’t worry. Lou only allows two in the city at a time and one works for him. He’s right over there—”

Neil resisted the urge to scream and instead, a strange gurgling sound came out. “Great. Wow. I feel so much better.”

“Do you want some more tea?”

“No, no, I’m okay.” Neil glanced around the crowded room again. “So, no one else here is human?”

“No.” Myrna followed Neil’s gaze. “The man in the blue suit whose face looks like a cat’s ass? That’s Luke. He’s a changeling. He works for the twins.”

“And those are the ones who eat people?”

“Yes.”

“Great. Awesome. What about that big guy over there? The one in the green sweater and the glasses? What’s he? A fucking yeti?”

“That’s Francis. He works for Lou. He’s one of the Franks.”

“The what?”

“A Frankenstein.”

Neil wanted to throw up. “Seriously?”

“He’s really more of a golem technically, but the name sort of stuck.” Myrna chuckled. “There’s quite a few of them running around, and they all look alike. There’s Frank Frankenstein, Frankie Frankenstein, Frank Junior Frankenstein, and so on. Everyone says Francis got the most brains out of the bunch, literally, and now he’s the accountant for the whole family.”

“That’s lovely. So very lovely.” Neil sighed.

“Do you see that man in the black pinstripe suit?” Myrna pointed. “The one with the rose?”

The man in question was a mature Black man with a neatly trimmed goatee and closely cropped hair. His eyes were dark, his skin a rich shade of brown, and his expression stern though not unhandsome. He didn’t look like he smiled very much, and he did indeed have a red rose in his lapel.

“That’s Q. Mostro,” Myrna went on. “He’s the head of the family and in charge of the Other.”

“Christ, what’s that?”

“A realm that exists within the fabric of space and time hidden between all the other worlds.”

“What the fuck kind of monster is he?”

“Something big. With tentacles.”

Lou walked over then, murmuring, “I can hear you talking to yourself from across the room.”

“I’m not. I’m talking to Myrna,” Neil retorted.

“But no one else can hear her.”

“You can!” Neil snorted.

Lou sighed.

A brunet in a slick gray suit hurried over to join Lou, asking, “So, what’s the plan, boss? What are we going to do? Did you get it back?”

“Michel,” Myrna whispered. “Werewolf, Lou’s second.”

Neil nodded to indicate he’d heard her.

“We are going to sit back, relax, and let the meeting happen as planned,” Lou replied firmly. “The Reliquary is still in my possession, and that’s all that matters.”

Michel’s brow furrowed, and he glanced at Neil. “And this is—”

“No one you need to be worried about.” Lou glared until Michel retreated. He looked back to Myrna and Neil. “You two, stay put and stay quiet.” He touched Neil’s cheek, offering a small smile. “Maybe when this is over, we can talk about that date?”

Neil blushed furiously. “Eat me.”

“Maybe for dessert.”

Neil was too flustered to spit out a reply, staring Lou down as he walked over to the round table. “He is such an asshole.”

“I know.” Myrna patted Neil’s knee. “But he really does like you!”

“I don’t wanna know how he’d act if he didn’t.”

“Let us begin,” Q. said, his voice a velvet rumble that had a unique resonating quality. Even though he was speaking quietly, his words filled the large room as if he was using a microphone. He sat in the largest chair, glancing at the others expectantly.

Lou sat to his left, Mr. Heiss to his right, and Absolis and Vilanos took the remaining seats.

“The first order of business is addressing the most recent attack from the mostri ribelli.” Q.’s eyes cut to Lou. “How many are dead?”

“Three,” Lou replied. “All wolves.”

“The bodies?” Mr. Heiss asked.

“Gone.”

“How gone is gone?” Absolis sounded like he was smiling. “You know our dear Luke is always up for some fresh snacks.”

Neil grimaced.

“I was more concerned with cleaning up a crime scene than Luke’s snacks,” Lou said flatly. “Sorry, I didn’t save him any.”

“Ah, well.” Vilanos shrugged. “Perhaps next time.”

“Is the scene secure?” Mr. Heiss asked firmly. “No loose ends?”

“We’re good,” Lou promised, “but we need to find out where these bastards keep coming from—”

“Who is that?” Q. hadn’t been listening to a word Lou was saying, instead having noticed Neil and staring him down.

“My guest,” Lou replied briskly. “He is Othniel Ricci, Shiloh Ricci’s nephew. He’s helping me get ready for the full moon.”

“Ah.” Q. nodded as if that explained everything.

Neil was very curious as to why that was such a satisfactory answer, and he looked to Myrna, hoping she had some information to offer like usual.

Myrna shrugged.

Well, so much for that.

Absolis and Vilanos turned around in their chairs to peek at Neil and smiled at the exact same time. They were still beautiful, but that was very creepy.

“Why, Mr. Ricci,” Absolis crooned, “you are a handsome little speck of human, aren’t you?”

“And such lovely taste in jewelry,” said Vilanos, eyeing the Reliquary on Neil’s wrist. He pretended to be shocked and gasped loudly. “Why, isn’t that the Reliquary right there?”

“Oh!” Absolis let out a similarly dramatic gasp. “Why, brother! It is! Imagine that.”

Q. narrowed his eyes. “Louis? Is this true?”

“It’s only temporary,” Lou said quickly. “That I promise you.”

“And exactly how is it going to be temporary?” Mr. Heiss pressed. “How did you lose it to this human?”

“I didn’t lose it—” Lou protested.

“He must be very special,” Absolis purred as he looked Neil over hungrily.

“Very special,” Vilanos echoed.

“I bet he would love to come see our gardens.” Absolis exchanged a sly smile with Vilanos. “The roses are especially lovely right now.”

“So lovely.”

“You’re not taking him anywhere,” Lou warned.

“Why not?” Vilanos smiled sweetly. “Who says he wants to stay here with you?” He batted his eyes at Neil. “We are so much more fun than Lou, I can promise you that.”

“Don’t listen to them,” Myrna cautioned, reaching over to take Neil’s hand. “They will try to bewitch you. Ignore the very pretty men!”

Mr. Heiss leaned over to whisper something to Q., and Q. nodded in apparent agreement.

“The Reliquary must stay in our family’s possession,” Q. said. “We cannot—”

“And it is,” Lou cut in sourly. “It’s not as if I actually lost it. I know right where it is.”

“With a human.”

“A human whose family has served ours for decades,” Lou argued.

“But is it truly safe being stuck to that fragile meat sack?” Mr. Heiss wondered out loud. “How certain are we that killing him won’t get it off? Perhaps you should let someone else try.”

“No.”

“Maybe what the Reliquary needs is some fresh ownership,” Absolis suggested. “You should let us take the mortal. We’ll be able to get the Reliquary off.” He winked at Neil. “The human too.”

“No, you cannot do that either.” Lou stood up fast enough to knock his chair back.

“Pfft, and why not?”

“Because I am claiming him.”

“What?” Absolis scoffed.

“That’s cheating!” Vilanos complained.

Neil froze as Lou lumbered over toward him. He had no idea what was happening, but he instinctively rose as he approached. He was also tempted to use him as a shield since Lou was the only one who didn’t seem interested in killing or molesting him right now.

Mr. Heiss and Q. exchanged a surprised look, and Q. clarified, “Could you please elaborate?”

Lou threw his arm around Neil’s shoulders and smiled as if that explained everything. “There. Satisfied?”

“No.”

Neil cringed, hissing under his breath, “What are you doing?”

“Trust me,” Lou mumbled back. “I’m going to keep you safe.”

“I don’t believe you—”

“Shh, I’ve got this!”

“Louis.” Q. did not look pleased. “On what grounds are you claiming this human?”

“Ah, yes, of course.” Lou smiled. “I am claiming him as my mate.”

CHAPTER FOUR

Mate?” Neil spat.

Lou hugged him tighter, muttering, “Trust me.”

“No fuckin’ way—”

“We’re supposed to believe the human is your mate?” Absolis scoffed. “Really?”

“He is looking at him like he hates him,” Vilanos mused. “Could be legit.”

Mr. Heiss scowled. “Louis, I hope for your sake this isn’t some sort of ruse to trick the family into letting you keep control of the Reliquary. It was agreed that if you ever lost it—”

“I didn’t lose it,” Lou snapped. “My mate here simply came into possession of it. That’s all.”

Michel did not appear convinced, but he said nothing.

“Come on, Lou-Lou,” Absolis taunted, his eyes growing dark. “Let us have the human. We just want to play with him a little.”

“Just a little,” Vilanos echoed. His eyes were growing dark too, turning black in fact, and when he smiled, his teeth had multiplied and grown sharp like needles.

“You will not touch him,” Lou growled. “He’s mine.”

Neil clung to Lou, watching in horror as both Vilanos and Absolis continued to change.

Their skin turned a sickly gray color, their ears grew long and pointed, and their eyes became giant vacant black pools. Their nails were long claws, their lips drew back to reveal more horrible teeth, and—

“Enough,” Q. warned.

In a blink, Absolis and Vilanos appeared human once more, though now they were pouting.

Neil hugged Lou tight and pleaded earnestly, “Can we please just go? Please?”

“Not yet, baby,” Lou soothed, rubbing his back. “Soon, I promise.”

Even if it was only for the sake of pretending, Neil was grateful for the affection. He’d always thought that faeries were beautiful creatures, not terrifying ghouls with giant black eyes and fucked up teeth.

Mr. Heiss addressed Michel, asking him, “Tell me. As Louis’s second, did you know he was taking a mate?”

Michel cleared his throat. “No, sir. But Lou’s always kept his personal life exactly that. Personal.”

Mr. Heiss eyed Neil now. “What say you, Mr. Ricci? Are you indeed Louis’s mate?”

“Mate s-sounds like such a very strong word,” Neil stammered.

Lou squeezed Neil’s shoulder.

Hard.

“B-but yes! Dating. We’re dating. So dating. I love his cactuses and how he names them all, and who doesn’t love a guy with cactus boxers? I mean, he can be a real prick, you know. Get it? A prick? Because he loves cactuses so much? Ha! But you guys probably all know that already and, uh, so really, he’s great.”

The room was silent.

“Good job,” Myrna whispered. “I think they bought it!”

Neil wanted to die.

“Bullshit,” Absolis sniped dryly.

“Are you accusing my mate of lying?” Lou snarled.

“I’m outright calling you both liars.” Absolis batted his eyes. “This is a pretty little fairy tale you’ve cooked up to keep the Reliquary close, nothing more.”

“Nothing more,” Vilanos agreed.

“How dare you insult my mate!” Lou’s eyes glowed, and thick hair sprouted along his jaw. “Apologize immediately.”

“Or else what?” Vilanos taunted, his eyes turning black again. “Is that a challenge?”

“You really don’t want it to be,” Lou warned.

“Oh?” Absolis’s eyes were black now too. “Not really much of a threat without your little accessory, though, are you?”

Lou growled. “I don’t need it to smash your face into the floor—”

“I would love to see you try—” Absolis hissed.

“Hey! Can we just fucking go now?” Neil pleaded. “Please?”

He’d already seen enough werewolves and monsters duking it out for one day, and he desperately wanted to crawl back into his bed and sleep for the rest of forever. He wanted to drink some more of Myrna’s tea, preferably with a bunch of vodka poured into it this time, and pretend none of this had ever happened.

“Neil,” Lou said firmly. “Stay out of this.”

“Stay out of this, my ass!” Neil barked. “This is fucking insane! I want to fucking go. I didn’t agree to any of this—”

“Neil!”

“Fuckin’ eat me, Lou!”

“Hey!” Myrna reached for Neil, urging, “Hey, hey, calm down, sweetie.”

“No! Fuck all of this!” Neil pulled away from Lou, swatting Myrna back. “Fuck you, fuck you—” He glared at Lou. “—and fuck you two!” He snarled at Vilanos and Absolis. “And fuck everybody else in this fucking—”

Lou grabbed Neil around his middle and right off the ground, hoisting him under his arm like a parent scooping a hysterical child to drag out of a store.

“Hey!” Neil struggled to break free, but there was nothing he could do to get out of Lou’s iron hold. He was facing the door now, and his face burned furiously from how ridiculous he probably looked with his legs kicking in the air.

Great, and one of his shoes just fell off.

Why did Crocs have to be so comfortable and easy to take on and off?

Why hadn’t he thought to engage sports mode and pull the strap around his ankle?

He swore he heard Flanders laughing, but maybe that was just in his head.

Neil gritted his teeth. “Put me down, righ—”

Lou’s hand cracked across Neil’s ass.

Neil grunted in surprise, and his eyes bulged.

Lou had just spanked him.

In front of a room full of people.

Okay, monsters, but whatever.

Lou popped Neil’s ass again. “You will know your place, mate. You do not speak out of turn or with such anger to the leaders of this family,” he said, his voice a low growl.

Neil didn’t understand what was happening except that the temperature in this room had risen about ten million degrees and his skin was prickling with big beads of sweat. He had never been spanked, not even as a kid, and he couldn’t comprehend the rush of feelings coming over him.

Indignation, fury, embarrassment, and a few more he didn’t dare yet name.

He couldn’t see Myrna, and he was really glad because he didn’t think he could suffer making eye contact with anyone right this very second.

“Do you understand?” Lou spanked him again, and the only response Neil could utter was a low moan.

Certainly this was meant to be a punishment, but Neil’s body was too busy steering him down Sexy Times Road straight to Pound Town to manifest any other reply.

“Do you understand?” Lou asked more harshly.

Neil forced his brain to take a detour so he could croak out, “Yes. I’m sorry.”

Lou set Neil back on his feet, his big hands holding Neil’s shoulders to keep him steady. “Apologize to them. Right now.”

Neil stared at the far wall so he wouldn’t have to actually look at anyone. He felt about two feet tall, his face throbbed like it was sunburned, he was missing a damn shoe, and his pulse was thumping so hard that his own voice sounded muffled when he spoke. “I’m sorry. So very sorry. Please, please accept my apologies.” He gulped. “Still getting used to the whole dating a monster thing.”

Lou drew him in close and wrapped his arm around him possessively. “Good boy.”

Neil shivered, those two simple words going right to his loins, so his heart was now pounding in his dick as well as his stinging cheek.

Well, shit.

All sorts of new kinks unlocked.

Q. and Mr. Heiss appeared satisfied that the prior insult had been dealt with, and Q. shot Vilanos and Absolis a withering stare as if daring them to argue. They said nothing, but they didn’t look happy.

“Thank you, Mr. Ricci,” Q. said smoothly. “Now, if you’d be kind enough to wait outside while we conclude our business.”

“He doesn’t leave my sight,” Lou argued.

“He does for the next ten minutes.” Q. gave Lou the same stare he’d turned on Absolis and Vilanos. “He is safe here. Don’t worry.”

Lou hesitated, but he finally let go of Neil. “Go on. I’ll be out as soon as I can.”

Neil nodded numbly.

“Here.” Lou kneeled to help Neil put his lost shoe on, though he made a funny face that Neil couldn’t quite decipher.

Maybe werewolves really did hate clogs.

Myrna put her hand on Neil’s shoulder and smiled reassuringly, murmuring, “Come on, darling.”

Neil could feel everyone’s eyes on him as he left, and his ass still stung from the abrupt spanking. He sighed in relief to be in the boring waiting area again, though he cringed when he sat down in one of the chairs.

Myrna sat beside him and smoothed out her dress. She looked like she was dying to speak but had her lips tightly pressed together.

“Go ahead,” Neil grumbled. “Say it.”

Myrna grinned sheepishly. “Well, that was… certainly something.”

“I just got my ass spanked in front of the whole monster mafia. It was horrible.” Neil put his face in his hands.

There was a shuffling sound, and Neil looked up to see the receptionist staring at him. He quickly looked away, and Neil sighed.

Myrna cringed. “If it helps any, I once brought my famous pineapple upside down cake to a bake sale and wouldn’t you know it? Three other ladies made the exact same cake! Mine was the best, of course, but it was still embarrassing. More for them really, though I was absolutely mortified. It was quite the scandal for years after. We called it the Pineapple Pickle.”

Neil tried to smile. “Thank you, Myrna. That doesn’t help in the slightest, but I appreciate the effort.”

“How about some tea?”

“Maybe later.”

The receptionist was staring again. His name tag said Marcus.

“Nothing to see here, Marcus,” Neil said. “Just one human guy slowly losing his mind. If you could recommend a good insane asylum, please let me know.”

“I, uh… I have to make a phone call.” Marcus quickly picked up the phone. It was questionable if he was actually calling anyone or not, but he definitely didn’t want to keep talking to Neil.

“Are you all right?” Myrna asked worriedly. “Your face is still very red.”

“I’m fine. I just really wanna leave.” Neil tried to shift his butt and find a more comfortable position. He could put his weight on one cheek to alleviate the other, but then the cheek he was sitting on throbbed more.

Fabulous.

“You know Lou only smacked your bottom like that to save face in front of the bosses.” Myrna patted Neil’s arm. “They couldn’t doubt that you were a couple.”

“Lou spanks all of his boyfriends?”

“Not that I’m aware of, but he wouldn’t let any of his partners disrespect the family like that without consequences.”

Neil glared. “Yeah, and what about his family wanting to eat me?”

“They’re monsters. That’s what they do.” Myrna patted his arm again. “You’re only human, darling.”

“So, what? I’m at the bottom of the food chain?”

“Basically.”

“Awesome.” Neil fiddled with the Reliquary. “So. Uh. Everybody really wants this thing, huh?”

“Oh yes!” Myrna nodded. “The Reliquary is very powerful. You haven’t even met all the spirits yet! You know me and Flanders, of course. You did meet the Architect, but that still leaves a bunch more! Like, oh, the Romantic! They’re very special. They’re the only one other people can see! And then there’s the Acrobat, the Princess, Eugene, the—”

“Wait, there’s a spirit named Eugene?”

“Yes, darling. Eugene the Fiend. Trust me that you don’t want to summon him unless things are very, very bad.” Myrna grimaced.

“Goody gumdrops.”

The doors opened and Lou walked out. He did not look pleased, and his eyes cut to Neil. “Let’s go.” He glanced at Marcus, who was pretending not to listen but absolutely was, and added, “Baby.”

“Sure thing, snookums,” Neil gushed as he got up to follow Lou back to the elevator. “I can’t wait to get home and suck face with you.”

Lou grinned. “Keep that up and I’ll suck a lot more than your face.”

“Is it my toes? Please say it’s my toes.”

“Kinky.” Lou pushed the button for the elevator, casually draping his arm back around Neil’s shoulders.

Neil’s heart did a little pitter-patter, but he tried to ignore it. He knew Lou was only doing this for show, like how he’d turned on the charm earlier after pissing Neil off. He couldn’t trust any of Lou’s flirting because there was no way to know if it was real.

Once inside the elevator, Neil shrugged off Lou’s arm. “I need you to take me back to the shop. I have had enough fun for one day and I still have work to do.”

“I’m sure your uncle would understand that this is an emergency.” Lou pushed the button for his floor. “Until we get the Reliquary transferred back to me, I’m not letting you out of my sight.”

“Well, then I hope you love flowers because you’ll be seeing a bunch of them.” Neil pushed the button for the parking level. “At the shop.”

Lou growled. “You will need to close for a few days—”

“No way. I still have people on the List, my regulars, who haven’t come by to get their flowers yet.”

“And I don’t care.”

“And you’re a giant douche.”

The elevator doors opened and Neil plastered himself in the corner, grabbing the railing there.

“What are you doing?” Lou narrowed his eyes.

“This is your floor. Bye bye now.”

“No, you’re coming with me—”

“The fuck I am!” Neil flailed as Lou grabbed him. He struggled, but Lou was able to effortlessly pull him from his fortified position.

Okay, maybe it hadn’t been the best spot, but Neil really had thought he had a solid grip on the railing.

Lou carried Neil under his arm back into his home, scolding, “You’re acting like a child.”

“This is fucking kidnapping!” Neil snapped.

Lou rolled his eyes as he shut the door behind them. He set Neil down but he didn’t let go of him. “You have no idea what’s at stake here. We have to work together.”

“Or else what?”

“Or else very bad things are going to happen.” Lou grimaced. “The ribelli will stop at nothing to get the Reliquary. They want it to overthrow the family.”

“Right. And that would be so terrible because you all seem perfectly sane.”

“We keep the peace and make sure monsters stay hidden.” Lou squeezed Neil’s arms. “You have to understand what a catastrophe it would be for all of us if people found out monsters were real.”

“Like Godzilla level panic?”

“That and worse.” Lou frowned. “Monsters would be hunted down, captured, experimented on. We would fight back, and I can promise you that it would be very bloody. Innocent people, monster and human, will suffer and die if the truth is ever revealed.”

Neil fidgeted.

Lou was certainly a king of douche baggery, but the idea of him being tortured and cut on in the name of science made Neil’s skin crawl. He didn’t want anyone to get hurt. Preventing a big war between monsters and humans seemed as good a reason as any to ditch work, and he hoped his uncle would forgive him.

“Okay, I will help you.” Neil brushed away Lou’s hands and stood up tall. “But you have to let me go back to work to call the regulars and let them know we’re closing for a while. And I have questions. Lots of them. And the first one is, do you have anything to drink?”

Lou smiled. “I certainly do.”

“I can make a fabulous martini!” Myrna popped up to say, startling Neil.

“Fuck!” Neil swatted at her. “Have you just been creepin’ around listening?”

“All the spirits are always here listening.”

“Wow. That’s creepy. Creepy creepin’.”

Myrna pouted. “We have to listen so we know when you need us!”

“I could have really used your help not being kidnapped earlier.”

“Is it really kidnapping if you want to be here?” Lou chuckled as he lumbered over to the bar.

Neil followed with a scowl. “I definitely do not want to be here. I want to be back at the flower shop, staring at my phone for hours and dreaming of a world where I don’t know monsters exist.” He paused. “Okay, but Godzilla isn’t real, right?”

Lou laughed. “Seriously?”

“I feel like I have to ask!”

“He’s not real,” Myrna whispered. “Promise.”

Lou mixed up two drinks that were red on the bottom and orange on top. He offered one to Neil and then raised his in a toast. “To us, baby.”

Neil ignored him and chugged. “Yeah, next question. Why are we pretending to fucking date?”

“It was the only thing I could think of to keep my family from taking you.” Lou seemed annoyed that Neil had refused his toast, and he took a small sip, still scowling. “Dominion over humans is not something that’s encouraged or always respected by other monsters, but there are exceptions. Vampires have their thralls, the fae their enchanted, weres have our mates, and so on.”

Neil licked his lips. The drink had been pretty good even though he’d barely tasted it. He was grateful for the warmth it provided, though he was already in want of another. “How convincing do we have to be exactly?”

“Very.” Lou sighed. “Absolis and Vilanos already don’t believe us and they will challenge me the second they have proof. Without the Reliquary… there is a small chance I would not be successful in defeating them and I’m not willing to risk it.”

“But I have the Reliquary right here. Hello?” Neil snorted. “I could totally have Flanders roast those creeps.”

“You barely understand the power you have. You couldn’t even stop me from dragging you out of the elevator—”

“Then why don’t you teach me?”

“No.” Lou smirked. “We need to get ready for our date.”

Neil turned to Myrna. “You can teach me, right? How to summon all of you?”

“I sure can, darling,” Myrna chirped in reply. “Most of us require a specific phrase, but they’re not difficult to learn.”

“See? Ha!” Neil hesitated. “Okay, how do I summon you?”

“Oh! Easy!” Myrna beamed. “You simply call my name, darling. I’m always listening out.”

“Huh. My very own witch Alexa.”

“Myrna,” Lou warned, “you and I both know he can’t handle it.”

“I taught you, didn’t I?” Myrna pouted. “I think Neil will be a fine owner! With some time. And lots of practice. And then some more practice.”

“Thanks for the confidence boost,” Neil mumbled. He jerked in surprise when his glass was magically full again.

Myrna smiled.

“Thank you.” Neil took the glass and then headed to the couch. He pushed the cactus pillow out of his way so he could sit down on the far end away from Lou. He cringed, immediately reminded of Lou’s spanking as his cheeks stung.

Lou smiled smugly, because clearly he knew the source of Neil’s discomfort, and Neil wanted to punch him.

Or kiss him.

Shit, maybe both.

“You think I’m still going out on a date with you?” Neil’s face heated up. “After you… After you did… No!”

“I’m very sorry I spanked you. I had to do something, all right?” Lou was still smiling. “I needed to be convincing. I handled you exactly as I would have if we were actually mates.”

“You… Well, you…! You!” Neil pointed at Lou angrily. “Don’t do it again!”

Lou paused and sniffed the air. He suddenly grinned and it was downright wicked. “Oh.”

“What?” Neil snapped.

“You liked it.”

“About as much as a trip to the dentist.”

“Oh, you really liked it.” Lou scanned over Neil with a hungry chuckle, taking a step toward him.

“I’ve enjoyed being kicked in the nuts more.” Neil retreated, but he’d run out of couch. He set his drink down on the table so he could get up, but Lou was suddenly right there beside him.

How the hell did he move that fast?

Lou put one hand on the back of the couch and the other on the arm, boxing Neil in.

Neil inhaled shakily, and he hated how good Lou smelled right now. He felt very small and vulnerable, and his heart was ready to pound out of his chest and explode all over Lou’s nice suit.

“You know, this doesn’t have to be unpleasant. I really was looking forward to our date.” Lou licked his lips ever so slowly. “It’s not faking anything if you really like me.”

“I like you about how I like broccoli. Which is not fucking at all.” Neil shivered, though he was unable to deny how tempting it was to touch Lou when he was practically right on top of him like this. He kept his hands firmly in his lap.

“Come on now.” Lou smiled slyly. “You do like me.”

“Why don’t you go huff and puff and fuck right off?”

“Can’t. Not when my mate needs me.”

“Your mate doesn’t need a damn thing.”

Lou leaned in until his lips brushed Neil’s ear and he teased, “Liar.”

“Do you always switch to sex mode to get what you want? Are those your only default settings? Sex crazy and douche bag?”

“I can smell how much you want me.” Lou glanced at Neil’s lips. “The way your skin is getting hot, how your adrenaline is spiking…”

“Is that supposed to be hot or gross? Because I can’t decide.”

Lou chuckled. “If you’d like, I’ll spank you again, but this time I’ll kiss it better.”

“I’d rather go swimming in a pit filled with buffalo vomit and the corpses of a thousand rotting raccoons.”

“You have quite the imagination.”

“Right now I’m imagining you somewhere very, very far away, but it’s not working.” Neil shivered as Lou pressed closer, and he was keenly aware of Lou’s hand sliding up his thigh.

“You’ve no idea of the pleasure I can bestow upon your supple human body,” Lou whispered with a low rumble. “Mm, the things I want to do to you... I’ll spend hours taking you apart, mapping out the lines of your body with my tongue, my fingers, so I know how to make you moan for me with a single touch. I will not stop until you’re trembling beneath me and the only thing you know how to do is whimper my name.”

Neil didn’t have a response for that, and his traitorous hands rose to Lou’s chest. He wanted it. He wanted Lou. He could taste Lou’s hot breath, and if he didn’t do something very soon, they were going to kiss.

Would that really be so bad…?

Yes, Neil’s brain supplied, it would be.

Lou was only doing this for the stupid magical bracelet, nothing more. While it would be very fun to fuck a babealicious werewolf and see what that was all about, Neil’s pride butted right in and cockblocked him. It would be so easy to give in, but…

Neil wished Lou actually liked him.

He refused to be used like this.

Also, Myrna was still hovering a few yards away with her hands over her face and that was just weird.

“Hey, Myrna!” Neil called out, not proud of how his voice cracked. “Could you help me with something?”

“Uh, yes, darling?” Myrna peeked through her fingers.

“How do I summon Flanders?”

“What?” Lou scowled, his seductive demeanor slipping. “And why do you need to know that?”

“Because I'm not gonna let you use your wang wizardry on me!” Neil gritted his teeth. “Myrna?”

“It’s Flanders, arise!” Myrna replied dutifully. “Sometimes you can call his name and he’ll come, but he might still be napping.”

“Flanders, arise!”

Flanders appeared mid-yawn. “Oh, look, he figured out how to summon me—” He was suddenly wide awake. “What are you two doing? Are you…?” He gasped. “On the couch?”

“Doing a whole lot of nothing apparently.” Lou groaned in annoyance as he withdrew, allowing Neil to escape.

Neil snatched his drink as he retreated toward the window wall, pointing at Lou as he commanded, “Flanders, if he tries to use his schlong sorcery on me again, you have my full permission to—”

“Use his what?” Flanders’s ear twitched.

“You know, his… his tallywacker trickery! Dick devilry!” Neil flailed. “If he tries to make a move on me, roast him!”

Flanders shook his head and snorted at Lou. “I am so disappointed in you.”

Lou rolled his eyes. “Just trying to make the best out of a shit situation, all right?”

Neil flipped him off as he tipped the glass back.

Lou spread his legs and smirked expectantly.

Neil ignored the invitation.

“Can I go back to sleep now?” Flanders sighed.

Myrna reached up to scratch the top of his head. “Aw, was the big puppy-wuppy having a nappy-wap?”

“Yes, and the puppy-wuppy would like to get back to it instead of dealing with whatever this is.”

“We were just discussing our date tomorrow,” Lou said. “That’s all.”

“The date I’m not going on,” Neil corrected firmly.

“No, we have to go.” Lou shook his head. “I told my family we were going. They’ll expect to see us there.”

“Why the hell would you tell them?”

“Because I was trying to convince them we’re dating!” Lou threw up his hands. “Remember?” He scoffed. “Do you want to be kidnapped by faeries and fucking tortured? Or do you wanna stick with me until we get this shit figured out?”

“How long is that gonna take? How far are you planning to take this stupid fake dating bullshit?” Neil snorted. “They might expect you to put a ring on it before too long.”

“I’ll go as far as I have to.” Lou narrowed his eyes. “Having the Reliquary means everything to me and the people I’m responsible for.”

“Which brings me back to the question and answer portion of our segment. Why do you need this damn thing so bad?”

“Monster reasons. How’s that?”

“Fine. Continue to be a dick weasel of epic proportions.”

“Keep talking shit and I’m going to put you over my knee.”

Neil’s face flashed white-hot. “N-no, you’re not.”

Lou smirked.

Damn him.

Flanders glanced back at the door. “I’m sorry to interrupt, especially when you two are getting along so well, but we’ve got company.”

There was a knock at the door.

“Who is it?” Lou asked.

“Judging by the smell, it’s Michel, Roland, and Dagobert.”

Lou groaned in frustration.

“Who the fuck are they?” Neil demanded.

“Oh!” Myrna smiled cheerfully. “Well, you met Michel already. He’s a werewolf like Lou. Roland is another shifter, but he’s a weretiger! So, he turns into a tiger!”

“Right. Got it. Sure. And what’s Dagle-bert? A fucking werechihuahua?”

“No, you silly goose. He’s a vampire.”

“Of fucking course he is.”

CHAPTER FIVE

Neil! Go sit on the couch,” Lou commanded as headed to the door. “Come on!”

“Is it time to play pretend?” Neil batted his eyes.

“Sit on the couch.” Lou’s voice rumbled at a low pitch that definitely wasn’t human, and his eyes flashed wildly.

Neil sat down.

“Let me do the talking. Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Good boy.”

Neil flinched. He’d said the sir in an attempt to mock Lou’s bossy attitude, and he had not expected Lou’s reply to hit another previously unknown switch inside of his kink selection.

“Can I go back to sleep now?” Flanders complained.

“You should stay awake!” Myrna scolded. “Neil may need us for moral support!”

“And fire support,” Neil grumbled under his breath.

The idea of meeting an actual vampire terrified him, and the urge to find garlic or a cross was almost overwhelming.

“Come on in, gentlemen,” Lou said, guiding his guests inside toward the living room. “Can I get you anything to drink?”

Or anyone, Neil thought with a cringe.

He spotted the vampire right away.

The man looked like a miniature Barnabas Collins from Dark Shadows—the Johnny Depp version, not the original—right down to the fancy Victorian suit and slick black locks. He was handsome, very pale, and very short.

The other man was nearly as large as Lou with dark bronze skin, long wavy black hair, and bright hazel eyes. His suit strained across his broad frame almost as sinfully as Lou’s own, and Neil had to consciously click his teeth together to stop gawking.

Okay, but why were all the monsters hot?

“No, thanks,” Michel said briskly. “We need to talk business.” His eyes cut to Neil. “Who the fuck is he?”

“My mate.” Lou sat beside Neil and proudly draped his arm around him. “Baby, you remember Michel, of course. This is Roland.” He waved to the big man. “And this is Dagobert. We like to call him Bertie.”

Dagobert bared his teeth—yup, definitely a vampire.

Big, big fangs.

Neil clung to Lou.

“Do not call me Bertie,” Dagobert spat with a dramatic roll of his eyes. “I hate that name. My name is Dagobert. Dagobert Baumann Von Liechtenberg!”

Neil hadn’t expected a vampire to sound so pouty, but he’d never thought they were real to begin with, so he figured there was no way he could have known.

“Who is he, Lou?” Michel pressed, ignoring Dagobert’s outburst. “When you told me you had to go back to the flower shop to get the damn Reliquary, I didn’t think you’d lost it to a human!”

“Like I told the rest of the family,” Lou cooly replied, “his name is Othniel Ricci and he is my mate.”

“Oh please!” Dagobert sneered. “Big Lou, the famous bachelor, has finally settled down? For that?” He gestured at Neil as if he were a bug. “I don’t think so.”

“You know I can hear you, Count Suckula. Why don’t you come a little closer to the window and work on your tan?” Neil dared to quip before he knew what was coming out of his mouth.

Dagobert scowled and his eyes turned red.

Neil experienced many emotions in that special moment. Regret was right at the top of the list, followed close by sheer terror and the urge to piss himself, since being sucked dry like a Capri Sun was likely imminent.

Roland laughed, a deep booming sound that echoed across the high ceilings. He grinned. “Well, I like him.”

Lou chuckled. “Right? He’s a little spitfire.”

“I bet he tastes delicious.” Dagobert’s scowl deepened.

Neil gulped.

“Now, now.” Lou smirked, hugging Neil closer and smooching his forehead. “While I can assure you he tastes sweeter than the ambrosia of the gods, you’ll have to go find your own snacks.”

Neil laughed nervously.

God, this was horrible.

“How long have you been dating?” Michel demanded.

“Six months—”

“A month—” Neil cringed as his reply overlapped and contradicted Lou’s.

Michel glared.

“R-right, so we met online,” Neil stammered to explain. “We met online. Six months ago. Cactus group on Facebook. We just met in real life a month ago when I moved here to work at my uncle’s shop.”

Michel narrowed his eyes.

Lou squeezed Neil’s shoulder. “That’s right, baby. You know how much I love my cacti.”

Neil laughed again.

“With any luck,” Flanders whispered, “the vampire will drain Neil and put him out of my misery.”

“Shush, you!” Myrna scolded lightly. “This is serious! And don’t you mean his misery?”

“No.”

“Teach your human to lie better,” Dagobert drawled with another big eye roll. “We can all hear how fast his heart is beating.”

“He’s just excited,” Lou deflected. “We were in the middle of something pretty tasty before you three showed up.”

“Boss, you know I want to trust you, but this is insane.” Michel shook his head. “Handing our fate over to a human? We’re supposed to just trust he’s not going to betray us?”

“He won’t,” Lou said firmly, “and there is nothing to worry about because I will be taking the Reliquary back very soon. Not that I don’t trust my darling Neil, but it really does belong with me.”

“Tonight’s the full moon,” Roland said. “We gonna be good?”

“Of course.” Lou gestured to the cereus. “I have what Sawbones needs. I’ll be ready.”

“The Surgeon,” Myrna whispered loudly, pointing at the Reliquary. “Sawbones is another spirit.”

Neil nodded to indicate he’d heard her.

“You’d better be,” Michel groused. “There are a lot of people counting on us to deliver this time.”

Lou tensed. “You say that as if I’m not also intimately aware of what’s at risk here. Mind your tongue, second.”

Michel bowed his head. “My apologies, boss.”

“People are real scared,” Roland added quietly. “That’s all it is. We’re just trying to—”

“It’s under control,” Lou snapped. “Question me again and I will thrash you both. Is that clear?”

“Yes, boss,” Michel and Roland replied in unison.

“Unless there’s anything else, you can go now.” Lou cut his eyes to Dagobert. “You stay.”

“Okay, boss.” Roland nodded respectfully. “Holler if you need anything.” He grinned and waved at Neil. “Was nice to meet you!”

“Oh, uh, nice to meet you too!” Neil waved back.

“Let’s go.” Michel grabbed Roland’s shoulder to steer him to the door.

Dagobert waited patiently for them to leave, wandering toward the night-blooming cereus…

Right into direct sunlight.

“Wait! Stop!” Neil yelped.

Dagobert froze. “Pardon?”

“The, the sunlight! Hello!” Neil didn’t understand why he and Lou were so calm. “Crispy crispy?”

“Oh, you sweet little imbecile.” Dagobert scoffed. “Vampires can walk in sunlight.”

“Well, I’m sorry, Mr. Fancy Fangs! I didn’t know!”

“How in the world did you lose the Reliquary to him?” Dagobert asked Lou. “And don’t tell me it was in the midst of lovemaking.”

“You know you can’t say anything,” Lou warned.

“I know, but you need help.”

“And that’s why you’re here.”

“Wait, wait.” Neil pulled away from Lou. “Are you saying he knows? That, you know…”

“That your relationship is a complete and total sham?” Dagobert smiled sweetly. “Yes. Obviously.” He flicked his fingers again. “I’m a vampire. We can hear human thoughts.”

“Oh goody.”

“Not that you need to be a mind reader to see that you two aren’t actually dating. The spanking was a nice touch, but this is clearly a charade.” Dagobert snorted. “Michel and Roland are very loyal and they won’t say anything, but they’re thinking it too.” He smirked smugly. “I’m assuming it’s my advice you’re after?”

“It is,” Lou confirmed.

“All right.” Dagobert glanced at his nails. “If you really want the family to buy this little love story of yours, then you’d best get to selling it properly. And fast. Do you actually expect us to believe you’d let your mate dress like that?”

“Like what?” Neil frowned. “I was at work! I like being comfortable. What’s wrong with that?”

Flanders huffed out a laugh, and Myrna shushed him.

“It’s because of my shoes, isn’t it?” Neil accused. “All you supernatural people just have a damn vendetta against comfortable footwear?”

Dagobert sighed as if he was in great pain, looking to Lou. “Do you see what I mean?”

“Okay, fine. New clothes.” Lou nodded. “What else?”

“You’ll need to be seen together. Often. And not just at human establishments, but monster ones as well. I think your human can at least handle the club, yes?”

“Club? What club?” Neil demanded.

“Shush, baby,” Lou said with a bat of his eyes. “The monsters are talking right now.” He replied to Dagobert, “I am sure he can.”

“You should sleep together as soon as possible,” Dagobert said. “The very fact that you do not reek of sex is highly suspicious.”

“We’ll get right on that.”

“The fuck we will.” Neil scowled. “You are not making any deposits in my booty bank, do you hear me? It’s a federal holiday forever, as in we are closed for business permanently.”

“As soon as possible,” Dagobert said again like he hadn’t heard Neil.

“We’re going to Everhart’s tomorrow,” Lou said. “It’s a start at least.”

“Come by the club tonight. Mr. Heiss will be there. Mr. Red and Wolf too.”

Neil frowned. “Mr. Red and the Big Bad Wolf? Like the Somerstown serial killers?”

“Like the serial killers? Right.” Dagobert chuckled. “You certainly have a lot to catch him up on, Lou. I’m not sure how long you intend to keep up this little masquerade, but I’d hurry it along.”

“Thank you, Bertie,” Lou said. “See you tonight.”

“Good luck.” Dagobert turned to leave and simply vanished.

Neil jumped when the door slammed shut. He hadn’t even heard it open. “Holy shit, he’s fast.”

“Speaking of fast…” Lou’s hand found its way to Neil’s thigh once more. “Shall we?”

“Nope! We shall not!” Neil stood. “Let’s talk you taking me back to the flower shop already so I can call the people on the List. And I definitely have a lot more questions.”

“Of course you do.”

“You’ll have to take him shopping for clothes,” Flanders piped up. “I think we all already know he doesn’t have anything to wear for the club tonight.”

“Suck it, Rover. I have some nice stuff!” Neil polished off his drink. “But, like, uh, how dressy are we talking here?”

Lou stood up, adjusting his tie. “Do you own a suit?”

“I have a funeral suit. Does that count?”

“Shopping it is.”

* * *

It was agreed they’d return to the flower shop and then take Neil to get fitted for a new suit. How they’d have it in time to go out tonight remained a mystery, but Neil decided to take the opportunity that driving around presented to ask Lou much more important questions.

“So, vampires can day walk?”

“The older ones can, but they’re still weaker during the day. Especially in direct sunlight.”

“Aren’t vampires supposed to be the ones in charge and werewolves are, like, their slaves?”

“You’ve watched way too many movies. Vampires, the ones who have to sleep all day? Totally vulnerable in their coffins for hours at a time? You think they’d be the ones in charge?”

“Dagobert was up and walking around!”

“He stayed up past his bedtime for the meeting. Why do you think he left so fast? He needed to go sleep.” Lou shook his head. “Werewolves have always ruled over vampires.”

“Does he really drink human blood?”

“Of course he does. He’s a vampire.”

Neil sighed, looking out the window and watching the buildings roll by. A new question popped into his head and wiggled right to the forefront of his thoughts. “Does my uncle know about all of this?”

Lou didn’t say anything.

“I heard you say he’d served the family or whatever, so, pretty sure that’s a yes.”

“It is,” Lou replied carefully. “Your uncle is a powerful witch.”

“No shit? Is he the reason the flower shop is enchanted or whatever?”

“I suppose it’s possible.” Lou shrugged. “I’ve never seen anyone do such a thing before, but we can always ask it when we get there. Your uncle has always been known for his ability to cultivate rare plants.”

“Damn.” Neil frowned. “I had no idea. I thought he was some crazy guy who liked to travel. Does anybody else in my family know? Or just him?”

“Probably just him. Not many humans know the truth about monsters. Even fewer who do are respected by them. Your uncle is a very good man.” Lou offered a small smile. “And so are you.”

“Me?”

“You’re brave. Foolish, but very brave. You have such a tremendous fire in you, a spirit unlike any human I’ve ever met.” Lou grinned now. “Can’t say anyone else would have had the balls to cuss out the bosses of my family like that.”

“Pretty sure that was the foolish part of my brain talking, but thank you.”

“It was impressive, not to mention very sexy. I can’t say it didn’t turn me on seeing you go after them like that.”

“How about you don’t say anything at all?”

“You’re also very handsome.”

“I know. Thank you.” Neil tried not to smile.

“And it’s still adorable that you love to save spiders.”

“You’re laying it on extra thick now, aren’t you?”

“If you’re interested in things that are extra thick, we could follow Dagobert’s advice and—”

“Ah, there it is.” Neil sighed wistfully. “The inevitable moment you ruin everything by trying to fuck me.” He snorted. “If only you weren’t such a douche, I could appreciate your aggressive attempts.”

“I think you’ll come to appreciate my aggression quite intimately.” Lou winked.

“If that’s a fancy way of saying I’m going to fuck you, the answer is still no.”

There was a parking space in front of the flower shop, and Lou expertly navigated his big truck into it. He put it in park, but he didn’t turn off the ignition. He unbuckled his seat belt and then leaned over, saying, “You should kiss me. Right now.”

“Wait, what?” Neil scrambled back, bumping into the window.

“My family might be watching us,” Lou said calmly. “They have eyes and ears all over the city. We need to keep up appearances, remember?”

Neil’s heart jumped up into his throat. “You wanna kiss me because one of your weird magical brothers might be watching us? Seriously?”

“Well, that’s not the only reason.” Lou flashed a toothy smile. “Seeing as how we’re going to be quite inseparable for the foreseeable future, I strongly believe we should use this time to enjoy ourselves.”

“Yeah, and what about when you get the Reliquary back?” Neil refused to budge, though he shivered when Lou put his hand on his knee. Lou’s fingers were firm and strong, and their subtle squeeze made Neil’s breath catch. “We won’t have to pretend anymore, right?”

“No, but I don’t see why that means we’d have to stop seeing each other.” Lou slid his hand up to Neil’s thigh. “I am confident that we are compatible in a myriad of ways.”

“Guess we’ll never know. It’ll be a mystery for the ages.”

“Come on now,” Lou urged, his voice dropping low. “Kiss me.”

God, that delicious command made Neil’s balls throb, and it was almost enough to tilt him forward to get caught up in Lou’s intoxicating orbit. Lou’s lips did look so perfectly kissable, and they were probably soft and luscious…

Too bad those lips were attached to the reigning king of douchedom.

“Kiss my ass,” Neil said sweetly, scrambling to get out of the truck as fast as possible. He didn’t wait for Lou and headed right for the door. He unlocked it and then hurried inside.

“I really thought you guys were going to kiss!” Myrna exclaimed as she popped up right beside him. “What happened?”

Neil didn’t jump this time, and he figured it was because he was getting used to his new ghost pals. “I didn’t kiss him because he’s a tool and he’s just using me!”

“No, he’s not! I mean, yes, he can be difficult, but he is quite sweet on you!”

“Yeah, like a cavity that needs to get yanked out.” Neil grumbled as he took his spot behind the counter.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

Ah, yes, the magical talking Rolodex.

“Sorry,” Neil said. “Had to take an adventure to douche land. I’m gonna have to close up the shop for a few days. Risk of monster human war, have to pretend I’m dating a werewolf, all that.”

BUT MRS. CHARLES’S ANNIVERSARY WITH HUSBAND NUMBER TWO IS TOMORROW! D:

“Shit.” Neil had forgotten, but he remembered the order as it was part of the List. “Uh, well, maybe…” He glanced up as Lou walked in. “Maybe I can stop in just for a minute.”

“Stop in where now?” Lou asked, approaching the counter.

“I have a very important client whose anniversary with her second husband is tomorrow. He’s dead, but she still celebrates it. She does it with all of her dead husbands. Look, it’s a whole big thing she does every year on top of her regular order. She’ll be by first thing to pick it up. I’ve gotta be here.”

“No.” Lou sneered. “Did I not make myself clear before? You’re staying with me. The shop has to close immediately.”

There was an odd clicking sound, and Neil turned around, stunned to see the letter boards of the menu rearranging themselves and magically changing to create a new message.

MAYBE I DIDN’T MAKE MYSELF CLEAR

MRS. CHARLES WILL BE HERE TOMORROW

SHE NEEDS HER FLOWERS

“Let’s try this again, flower shop,” Lou said sternly, “because you’re the one who is mistaken. There are much bigger things at stake here than some damn flowers. As soon as Neil makes his little phone calls, we’re leaving.”

OH ARE YOU?

There was a dull thunk, and Neil recognized the sound as the front door locking.

“Did it…” Lou tried to open the door. He whipped back around to scowl furiously up at the menu. “This is not funny. If you don’t think I’ll break every window in this place, then you—”

The floor underneath Lou’s feet rippled like a wave, knocking him off balance.

“The fuck?” Lou sputtered.

OH SORRY! I DIDN’T HEAR YOU

WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO DO AGAIN?

“You—”

A floorboard popped up and smacked Lou right in the face, and then it settled back into place.

“Oh my!” Myrna gasped. “Lou, are you all right?”

“Son of a…” Lou rubbed his nose and growled. “I’m fine. It seems as though I was wrong however. This house isn’t enchanted. It’s definitely possessed.”

>:)

Neil had to swallow back a laugh and hid it by clearing his throat. “So, uh, does this mean we’re staying? Because it feels like we’re staying.”

“The hell we are!” Lou ran full speed at the front door. Multiple floorboards rose up to smack him right down, and he landed flat on his back with a groan. He sighed. “I guess we’re staying.”

“Mr., Mx., or Miss House? Uh, Mrs.?” Neil called out. “Look, I appreciate how important—”

MISTER

MY NAME IS IZBA

“Hi, Izba. Nice to meet you.” Neil fidgeted, watching the menu warily. “Are you… a possessed house?”

NO

A GREAT WITCH BREATHED LIFE INTO ME LONG AGO BUT IT WAS YOUR UNCLE WHO FOUND ME AFTER I’D BEEN ABANDONED

I WAS IN RUINS THEN BUT HE HELPED ME HEAL AND I WANTED TO REPAY HIS KINDNESS.

“Wow. So you became a full-blown magical flower shop?”

YES. :)

Neil smiled. “That’s pretty awesome. That’s…” His smile dropped. “You know about the wall, don’t you?”

The wall Neil had broken with the dildo.

WALL? WHAT WALL?

“Uh, right. Exactly.” Neil didn’t know if Izba was pretending to be ignorant in an effort to be polite or if he actually had no idea. Either way, Neil decided it was best if he moved on and no longer masturbated inside the shop in the future. “Now, I know how important the flowers are to you, I do, but I have to help Lou too. How about I call the List and get everyone to pick up their orders tomorrow morning, including Mrs. Charles? I’ll say we’re having a big family emergency to buy us some time.”

There was a pause.

YOU HAVE TO BE BACK BY THURSDAY FOR MR. POWELL’S HERBS

HE WANTS TO MAKE A RED WINE AND ROSEMARY RISOTTO

“Okay! I can do that. We can do that, right, Lou?”

Lou had gotten up and was dusting himself off. “We’ll see.”

“I’m gonna take care of this. Maybe Mr. Powell will come tomorrow too.” Neil took a deep breath and flipped through the Rolodex. He reached for the phone hanging on the wall. “Okay! Here we go.”

He started at the top of the List and worked his way down, explaining the imaginary family emergency and asking all their regular customers to drop by tomorrow. Everyone was fine with it, though Mr. Powell was very concerned about the rosemary being fresh enough for his risotto. Neil offered to give him a small live rosemary plant in exchange for all the trouble, and Mr. Powell happily accepted it.

While Neil was on the phone, Lou continued to unsuccessfully attempt to leave the flower shop. Izba could manipulate every part of the building, even the bricks and the beams from the ceiling. Lou became so enraged that he started to transform and only stopped for fear of ruining his suit.

Izba wrote smiley faces on the menu that somehow managed to be especially smug.

When some customers arrived, Izba again stopped Lou from escaping by subtly but forcefully smacking him with the open door. To anyone looking, it simply appeared as if Lou had run into the door himself. Lou finally gave up after that and then excused himself to the greenhouse to make phone calls of his own.

Neil rang up the customers, called more people on the List, and a few hours later he’d gotten everyone scheduled to come get their orders tomorrow. After closing the shop for the day, he invited Lou up to the apartment for an early dinner since they’d skipped over lunch. They had turkey sandwiches and chips, Myrna made raspberry tea, and Lou was surprisingly grateful for the simple meal.

Probably just trying to earn booty points.

Exhausted from the most insane day of his entire life, Neil was ready to crash before ten o’clock. He changed into sweats and a T-shirt, washed his face, and brushed his teeth. It was a little awkward now knowing Izba could probably see his every move, so he’d undressed in the tub behind the shower curtain for some semblance of privacy.

Wait, what if Izba could see him through the tiles? Was that possible? How did this even work?

Definitely not jacking off tonight.

With a sigh, Neil headed to his bedroom.

Other than the very conspicuous tear in the wallpaper in between the railings of the headboard, the room was well maintained. It was a modest space with an old suite of furniture made from a rich cherry wood. While it lacked the wild colors of the flower shop, there were lamps with fringed shades, funky patterns in the wallpaper, and thick shag carpet.  Everything was brown or a murky shade of orange, and it looked like it should reek of cigarette smoke.

Neil stopped short when he saw the bed was already occupied by Lou.

A very shirtless Lou, who was typing on his phone.

“What are you doing?” Neil asked.

“Going to bed.” Lou patted the space next to him without looking up from his phone. “Come on. I don’t bite unless you want me to, baby.”

“I’m not sleeping with you.”

“Why? This works for our cover.”

“You know what else works? The couch. The perfectly normal, fully functioning couch.”

“We’re both adults. We can share a bed.” Lou glanced up at him with an all too innocent smile. “Come to bed, my mate.”

That simple command had no right to be that hot, and Neil’s Benedict Arnold of a cock twitched in his sweats.

“Fine. I’m too tired to argue,” Neil grumbled as he got into bed. “But I am making it known that I think this is a terrible idea.”

“You should have said that before you invited me to bed.”

“I didn’t invite you.” Neil kicked his way under the covers, rolling over to put his back to Lou. “You jumped in when I wasn’t looking.”

“Details.” Lou put his phone down. “Hopefully tomorrow, this demon house will be satisfied so we can leave. We still need to get your suit for our date.”

“Right. The date I really don’t want to go on.” Neil was very aware of Lou’s warmth, especially in a bed that was not made with two full-grown men in mind, particularly one of Lou’s size. “Can’t wait.”

Lou leaned in close, his body brushing against Neil’s back, and he put his hand on Neil’s shoulder. “Thank you.”

Neil inhaled sharply. “For what?”

“Despite the obvious upset of learning monsters are real and that you’re in command of a small army of spirits, you’ve taken everything in stride. You are an incredibly resilient human, Othniel Ricci, and I admire your courage. You’re magnificent.”

Neil’s cheeks heated up in a flash. “Says the guy who was willing to cut off my arm.”

“No, just your hand, and I would have put it back.”

Neil snorted, but he was smiling. “Gee, golly, you’re a saint.”

“On the contrary, I’m quite the sinner, and—”

“Can it. I’m going to sleep.” Neil pulled the covers up over his shoulder. “Flanders has a standing order to roast you if you try to pull your wang wizardry again.”

Lou barked out a hearty laugh and squeezed Neil’s shoulder. He bowed his head to place a soft kiss on Neil’s temple. “Good night, baby. Sweet dreams.”

“Good night, Lou. Remember. Wang wizardry equals roasty toasty.”

“Noted.”

CHAPTER SIX

Neil awoke warm, refreshed, and totally crushed up against Lou’s broad body. Lou was holding him like a teddy bear, and it was a surprisingly pleasant way to wake up in spite of his alarm blaring at him. He reached out to smack at his phone until it stopped.

Judging by the soft snores, Lou was still asleep, and Neil debated how long he could stay like this and enjoy it before Lou woke up too.

While Neil lay there enjoying the gentle rumble of Lou’s snoring and his firm embrace, he did a mental recap of the last twenty-four hours.

In possession of a magical bracelet full of weird spirits.

In a fake relationship with a werewolf who wanted said bracelet back.

In fear for his life because the werewolf’s family and other bad monsters wanted the bracelet too.

Great.

Fabulous.

He really wanted to go back to sleep.

Maybe if he slept long enough, he’d wake up later and discover this had all been a dream. A big, hard, girthy dream—wait a second.

Oh, that wasn’t a dream.

That was Lou’s cock digging into his hip.

Neil tensed.

Okay, he definitely needed to get out of bed right now.

As carefully as possible, he tried to push forward so he could flop off the end of the bed. It wasn’t graceful, but it would work. He’d nearly reached the edge when Lou’s powerful arm looped back around his middle, dragging him right back to where he was.

Lou’s cock was now digging into Neil’s butt cheek.

Wonderful.

Lou continued to snore and made no other movement, seemingly content to keep on snuggling while he dozed.

Neil needed a new plan.

Any amount of squirming put undue pressure on the Dick That Must Be Ignored, and Neil again attempted escape by lurching forward with more zeal. More zeal turned out to be too much, and he fell right off the bed. He nearly hit his head on the bedside table, but at least he’d made it out.

The carpet lifted to help him into a sitting position, and Neil saw the wallpaper design morph into words.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

“Peachy.” Neil grunted.

“Whose foot is that? What—?” Lou demanded as he woke up in a flurry of kicking limbs and growls. He stopped and blinked a few times. “Neil?”

“Right here,” Neil got to his feet with Izba’s help. He patted the carpet before it descended back to the floor. “Thanks.” He smirked at Lou. “Good morning, handsome.”

Lou’s hair was a curly tangle, and his eyes weren’t open all the way. Without the highly pressed armor of his suit around him, he appeared soft and vulnerable. Well, soft at least in one sense because otherwise, wow, he was still really—

Neil whirled around to march toward the bathroom. “You, uh, want some coffee? I’ll go get coffee.”

“Uh, sure. Good morning—”

Neil didn’t hear what else Lou was going to say because he shut the door behind him. He used the toilet, washed up, and then brushed his teeth. He contemplated the stubble on his face, now in danger of becoming a beard. When he found his cordless razor was dead, he took it as a sign to continue his facial hair cultivating adventure.

He opened the bathroom door and nearly smacked right into Myrna. “Fuck!”

“Good morning!” she declared in a singsong voice. She offered out a steaming coffee mug. “Here!”

“God bless you. Thank you.” Neil eagerly took a small sip, though he hadn’t been expecting the warm, spicy flavor. “Whoa, what is that?”

“Oh! It’s a blend of black tea with ginger, cardamom, lemongrass, peppercorns, cloves, cinnamon, and buffalo milk.”

Neil was fine up until the milk identification and nearly choked. “O-oh! Well, it’s, uh, tasty.”

“Just close your eyes and think chai tea latte,” Flanders grumbled from where he’d taken up residence in the bed, his massive bulk hanging off the mattress even while curled up in a ball.

“Chai actually means tea, so technically you’re saying tea tea latte,” Myrna informed him cheerfully. “This is masala chai. I prepared it using a common Maharashtrian practice of boiling equal parts milk and water, adding in the sugar and fresh ginger while it’s still on the stove. Once it’s off the heat, I add a common masala blend of loose black tea leaves and spices, and…” She cleared her throat, as if she just caught herself rambling. “I hope you like it!”

Neil took another sip. Questionable milk aside, it was pretty damn good. “Thank you. I love it.” He glanced around the bedroom. “Where’s Lou?”

“Using your guest bathroom.” Myrna fidgeted. “I hope you don’t mind, but I made a cup for him as well. It was sort of our little routine every morning.”

“That’s fine.” Neil headed to his dresser, but he stopped short when there was already a pair of pants and one of his only collared shirts waiting for him on top. “Oh. Did you, uh…”

Myrna smiled. “Flanders did that.”

“Please do not wear the Crocs today.” Flanders lifted his head enough to narrow his eyes at Neil. “I am begging you. If you do, I will eat them to spare myself the agony of seeing you shame yourself so.”

“Well, I hope they give you indigestion because I’m wearing them.” Neil grabbed the clothes and again retreated to the bathroom to change. When he came back out, he saw Myrna making the bed. “Hey! You don’t have to do that.”

“Oh, it’s no trouble.” Myrna beamed. “In addition to being a chatterbox, I simply cannot stop myself from being so domestic. I like to stay busy.”

“Well, thank you.” Neil held up his mug. “And thank you again for this. It is really good.”

“Myrna makes the best chai anywhere,” Lou said as he walked in with his own mug. He was wearing the same suit from yesterday, and his jacket was draped over his arm.

Neil did his best not to stare at how tight Lou’s shirt was across his rippling chest or the unexpected sexual appeal hiding in the shoulder holster, and he shoved the mug in his face to give his mouth something to do other than drool. It was all too easy to remember certain things that were big and hard, and he kept drinking long after the mug was drained. “Yeah. Uh, it’s really good.”

“Yes, it is.” Lou yawned. “So, time to open up, yes? We need to leave soon.”

“Are you feeling all right?” Myrna asked politely. “I’m sure Neil won’t mind if I whip up some of that witch hazel salve you like to help with your moon skin.”

“I’m fine, thanks.” Lou smiled warmly. “I appreciate it though.”

“What’s moon…” Neil flinched. “Holy shit! The full moon!”

Lou quirked his brows. “Yes?”

“You didn’t wolf out!” Neil scrambled back until he smacked into the wall. “It was a full moon last night! You… you…” He narrowed his eyes. “Okay, what gives?”

“If we couldn’t control our transformation, don’t you think more people would know we were real?” Lou drawled.

“So… you don’t actually wolf out?”

“No, and we don’t call it wolfing out.” Lou snorted.

“Moonlight does nothing?”

“Other than setting the mood for a romantic date, no. You do realize moonlight is just light being reflected from the sun, right?”

“Okay, don’t look at me in that tone of voice. I literally saw you turn into a big wolf yesterday and beat up other werewolves. Anything feels possible right now, including but not limited to moonlight making people wolf out!”

“About the worst thing that happens is some of us have issues with our hormones. Acne, irritability, things like that.”

Neil blinked. “Wait, so it’s like… a werewolf period?”

Lou opened his mouth as if to argue, but he paused. “Well, that’s not entirely wrong.”

“Wow. Today has been so educational.”

Lou smirked. “Wolves are also known to be particularly amorous on a full moon. The famous love witch, Matsuri Sheppan, said there is no finer intercourse than bedding a werewolf when the moon’s full.”

“Damn, the full moon’s already passed. What a shame!” Neil grabbed his phone from the bedside table. “Guess we’ll just have to take her word for it.”

“There’s always next month.”

“You made up love witch, didn’t you?”

“No.”

“It sounds made up.”

“I assure you it’s not. Sheppan is considered the foremost expert in monstrous and human interspecies fornication—”

“Okay! So, I have to go to work now.” Neil breezed by Lou to head downstairs.

The last thing he needed to be thinking about right now was fornication.

Neil stopped to grab his Crocs, and he swore he heard Flanders sigh as if he’d somehow sensed Neil putting on the highly offensive footwear. He went to the greenhouse first to get the watering can and fill it so he could start his rounds.

After doing this for so many weeks, Neil had the routine down. He remembered which plants needed to be watered when and how much depending on the day. It could be a bit tedious because he had to keep stopping to refill the can, but it was nice to have a few minutes to himself and—

“What do you like for breakfast?” Myrna whispered loudly from behind him.

So much for that.

“I’m okay, thanks.” Neil forced a smile. “Just, uh, trying to clear my head. And I don’t eat much when I first wake up.”

“Oh.” Myrna pouted.

“Sorry.” Neil glanced back at her. “Do you wanna go make breakfast for Lou?”

Myrna brightened up. “Oh! Would you mind?”

“Not at all.”

“Thank you!” Myrna vanished promptly.

Neil sighed in relief and got back to watering. When he was done, he returned the water can to its perch by the greenhouse entrance. He heard the letters of the menu sliding around, and he smiled. “Good morning, Izba.”

GOOD MORNING! READY TO OPEN UP? :)

“Sure.”

The front door unlocked and the open sign clicked on.

“Wow. Thanks.” Neil headed to the register. He grimaced when he realized he hadn’t counted down the drawer, but he reasoned he’d been a tiny bit distracted yesterday. He could do it when he closed up today and it would be fine. “Did you, uh, help my uncle with the shop?”

OF COURSE

“But not me.”

WELL…

SHILOH TOLD ME YOU DIDN’T KNOW…

AND THAT HE DIDN’T WANT YOU TO

“To know about monsters, werewolves, and goblins? Yeah, well, I know now.” Neil scratched at his stubble. “Why did you change the note that day then? If you were supposed to be keeping it all a secret.”

I KNOW HOW IMPORTANT THE CEREUS IS

IT WAS VERY URGENT

“What is it for?” Neil pressed, eager to find out what Lou was so intent on keeping from him. “Is it for werewolf period stuff?”

IT IS A SPECIAL SUBSPECIES WITH MAGICAL PROPERTIES THAT EASE THE PAIN OF PLAGUE

“Plague?”

YES

“Plague.”

IS THERE AN ECHO IN HERE?

“Sorry. Just not what I was expecting.”

“What were you expecting, hmm?” Lou asked as he strolled in. He’d put his jacket on and looked ready for a photo shoot or a strut down a runway.

Neil tried to do everything to not think about Lou’s dick. He would not think about Lou’s big, hard dick. Nope. Wouldn’t do it. He could do this. He could totally do this. He was strong. He was powerful. He was…

He was in deep shit.

Naturally, Lou’s dick became the only thing Neil could think about and he chewed on his lip in an effort to silence a grunt.

Lou seemed to know he was the cause of Neil’s sudden silence, and he stopped to pose, flashing a dazzling smile. “Didn’t expect werewolves to be so charming?”

“Obnoxious,” Neil said when he could speak again. “I didn’t think you would be so obnoxious. That’s the word I was looking for.”

“Obnoxiously irresistible, yes.” Lou’s smile only grew.

“Don’t you have anything else you could be doing right now?”

Lou grinned and scanned over Neil hungrily. “Well, I could be doing lots of things, like you—”

“Forget I asked.” Neil groaned. “I get you wanna stay stuck up my ass—” He took a deep breath. “Poor choice of words. What I mean is I know you want to stay close because I have the Reliquary, but you really need to go find something to do while I work. Get yourself a ball. Play fetch. Find one of those tug rope things. You and Flanders will have a blast.”

“I won’t be in the way,” Lou said firmly, aiming for serious, but he still sounded smug. “If there’s anything I can do to help speed this along, let me know. We have to get you measured for your suits—”

“Suits? As in, plural?”

“Yes, as in Bertie was right and I would never let any mate of mine dress how you do.”

“Let?” Neil scowled. “You wouldn’t let me?”

“As your mate, it’s my job to take care of you and make sure you have only the best this city has to offer. That includes clothing.”

“This is about my Crocs, isn’t it?”

“It’s about everything.” Lou snorted. “I also have work of my own to attend to that I cannot do as long as I’m trapped here.”

The front door swung wide open.

BYE! :D

Lou cut his eyes at the menu. “I am not leaving without Neil.”

>:(

“And don’t forget. Our date—”

“Yes, yes, yes. I know. Our big stupid fake date.” Neil thought about throwing the Rolodex at Lou. “I haven’t forgotten since you literally will not stop talking about it.”

“It’s even more important now since we weren’t seen at the club last night.” Lou raised his brows. “We have to be careful.”

“Right. Magical spies everywhere.”

“Yes.”

Neil didn’t have a response to that, but luckily Mr. Powell walked in to save him the trouble of coming up with a snappy reply. Being witty when he was being constantly overwhelmed by new ridiculous revelations was difficult.

Lou pretended to browse through some of the small potted plants so Neil could ring up Mr. Powell. Another customer arrived right after that, and the morning began to zoom by at a nonstop pace. Neil had told everyone to come early after all, which created a bit of a cluster to have so many show up at the same time.

He had to feign distress because of the mysterious family emergency, and the customers were endlessly supportive and concerned. He noticed Lou chatting away to keep some of them busy while they waited, and he supposed he shouldn’t have been surprised that Lou knew them.

They probably weren’t human.

It was incredible to consider that he’d been in Somerstown for weeks and never had a single clue that anyone here was a monster.

Neil resisted the urge to ask if Mrs. Charles was secretly some sort of spider creature.

When the dust finally settled from the rush, Neil collapsed onto his stool with a groan. “Is it over?”

“Yes, darling.” Myrna appeared beside him to pat his shoulder. “You did very well!”

“Now can we go?” Lou glanced at his watch.

“Hey, I still gotta do some stuff around here first,” Neil argued. “I have to count down the register and figure out how all the plants are going to get taken care of while I’m gone. Some of them have to be watered daily, and I am not taking the heat from my uncle for killing one of his damn plants.”

I WILL CARE FOR THE PLANTS IN YOUR ABSENCE

“Really?” Neil blinked. “You can do that?”

THERE IS VERY LITTLE I CANNOT DO…

EXCEPT WAIT ON CUSTOMERS

WELL I COULD BUT THAT MIGHT BE A BIT ALARMING

“What? A possessed flower shop? No.” Lou gasped in mock surprise.

The floorboards underneath Lou’s feet rattled in warning.

“Thank you, Izba,” Neil said with a warm smile. “I really appreciate your help.”

YOU ARE VERY WELCOME

Neil got the register taken care of and the cash secured in the safe upstairs in the apartment. He packed a small bag with his toiletries and a few clothes. Certainly Lou wasn’t going to buy him new underwear on top of everything else he was promising.

When it was finally time to go, Neil made sure to stop and say farewell. He patted the front counter, saying, “Goodbye, Izba.”

GOODBYE NEIL :(

“Don’t worry. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

I WILL COME LOOKING FOR YOU

“Goodbye, flower shop.” Lou eyed the menu. “You’ve been a worthy opponent.”

SHOO

Lou chuckled, and he held the door open for Neil to leave.

Once outside, Neil waited for Lou to come out and shut the door so he could lock up. He realized he probably didn’t need to because Izba could likely do it himself, but he did it anyway out of habit. He followed Lou to his truck, glancing through the window at the shop as he got buckled up. “Real talk. Izba couldn’t actually come looking for me, right?”

“I have no idea what he’s capable of,” Lou replied honestly as he cranked the truck. “All the years I’ve known your uncle, I never knew about Izba. Whatever he is, he is certainly one of a kind.”

Neil thought back to what Izba had said about the cereus and the plague. “He seems pretty smart. You know, for a magical house or whatever he is. Did you know that cereus cactuses—”

“Cacti.”

“Whatever. Did you know they’re good for the plague?”

Lou’s expression hardened. “How about we talk about anything else?”

“How about we—”

“Neil,” Lou growled. “Drop it.”

Neil flinched from the shift in Lou’s tone, and he squirmed in his seat.

The plague was apparently quite the sore spot, and the air within the cab was now frightfully tense. Lou was angry, and Neil’s body couldn’t decide if it was turned on or scared or some terrible combination of the two.

He stayed silent for several minutes while Lou drove, but he couldn’t stay quiet forever. He had to say something. He held his head high, declaring, “For the record, I’m not asking about it now because I don’t want to. Not because you got all bossy.”

Lou smirked. “Sure, baby.”

The energy relaxed then, and Neil sighed in relief.

Lou pulled over to park in front of a store with a big bronze sign that read Hawk’s Haberdashery. It was an old brick building like the flower shop, but it had been painted black. There was a row of mannequins in the big front window dressed in a rainbow of different colored suits.

“This is it.” Lou turned the truck off.

“It looks expensive,” Neil noted. “Also, how do you always manage to get such good parking?”

“I had a witch bless my truck with good parking juju. Now come on.”

Neil took it for granted that Lou was joking, and he dutifully followed Lou into the store.

The inside looked like any other clothing store Neil had ever been in except there was a distinct lack of prices posted anywhere. That probably wasn’t good. A few other customers were milling about, and they were all as impeccably dressed as Lou was.

For the first time, Neil regretted wearing Crocs.

A short blond dressed in a fancy plaid three-piece suit approached, and he smiled when he saw Lou. “Mr. Mostro! Hello! Always a pleasure.”

“Hello, McKenzie.” Lou shook his hand.

“Are we shopping for ourselves today?” McKenzie eyed Neil. “Or for our friend?”

“Our mate,” Lou said as he wrapped his arm around Neil with a proud grin.

“Oh!” McKenzie’s customer service smile was well-practiced, but it definitely slipped for a moment.

Neil’s toes curled.

“And what can we do for your mate, Mr. Mostro?” McKenzie asked politely.

“A full wardrobe.” Lou cleared his throat. “Quickly.”

“How quickly?”

“At the family rate.”

“Of course. Follow me, gentlemen.” McKenzie led Lou and Neil to a big wooden door by the register. When he opened it to usher them inside, it appeared to be a broom closet.

“Really?” Neil frowned as they crammed inside.

“Trust the process, baby,” Lou soothed.

“One moment, please!” McKenzie shut the door behind them. “Ah, there we go.”

The broom closet was no longer a broom closet. It was a large open room with big windows, mountains of fabric, and an old spinning wheel. There was a rack full of finished suits, and a young man who was nearly McKenzie’s twin was pinning slips to them.

He looked up as they approached. “Oh! A special order?”

“Yes,” McKenzie replied. “Mr. Mostro, this is my assistant, McCall. He’ll be helping us today.”

“All right.” Lou gently pushed Neil forward. “Allow me to introduce my mate, Othniel Ricci.”

“Ah.” McCall feigned a smile. “And what do we have the honor of dressing Mr. Ricci in today?”

“Everything.”

McCall made a rectangle with his fingers to frame Neil, peering through the space as if he was pretending to take a picture. “All right! Got it.”

McKenzie reached over as if he was grabbing something from the rectangle, but there was nothing in his hand. Still, he walked over to an empty rack and acted like he was hanging up something.

“What is happening right now?” Neil asked under his breath.

“They’re making your clothes,” Lou replied quietly. “Be patient.”

“They’re making nothing.”

“Shush.”

“Shall we deliver these to your home address, Mr. Mostro?” McKenzie asked.

“Yes, please. Thank you.” Lou eyed Neil. “But maybe one to wear out. If you’d be so kind?”

“Of course, sir.” McKenzie scanned over Neil. He held up his hands in a rectangle as McCall had. “I believe the gray will do just fine.”

“Thank you so much.” Lou grinned. “Wow, baby. You look incredible.”

Neil stared down at himself, stunned to find he was now wearing a gray suit with a white shirt and a black tie. “The fuck?”

He hurried over to the mirrors to get a better look, and he was shocked by how well the suit fit. It was perfectly tailored to his body, and he couldn’t resist turning around to check out his ass.

Damn.

His hot pink Crocs did look a little silly with the suit, but he told himself he didn’t care what the snooty tailors thought.

Fuck it.

Crocs were comfortable.

Lou was behind him, resting his hands on Neil’s hips. “Do you like it, baby?”

Neil blushed and nodded. Even if this was part of their dating act, he couldn’t help but lean into Lou’s chest. He smiled, confirming, “I love it. Thank you.”

Lou kissed Neil’s hair and squeezed his hips. “If you’re happy, I’m happy.”

Neil’s skin managed to turn a dark shade of red, and he nodded again. “Yup. Happy. So happy.”

“And don’t worry!” McCall chimed in. “New shoes will be delivered with the rest of your order, Mr. Mostro! Sorry we don’t have a pair for him to take right now, but they take a bit longer to make. The rubber, you understand.”

Of course.

Lou thanked McCall and McKenzie again, and McKenzie walked them out. Neil found it curious that no money appeared to be exchanged, but maybe it was better that way.

He really didn’t want to know how much any of this cost.

Neil knew for a fact he’d never worn anything so nice, and there was an extra spring in his step as he followed Lou out to the truck. He was quiet as they drove back to Lou’s apartment, stealing glances at his reflection in the side mirror.

He looked like someone important, someone who had their shit together, and he was surprised by how much he liked it. He’d never considered himself to be materialistic by any means, but he could definitely get used to this.

“Do you really like it, baby?” Lou asked once they were back inside his apartment.

“I do.” Neil smiled. “Thank you. I feel like a million bucks.”

“Good.” Lou leaned in as if he was going to kiss Neil’s lips but went for his cheek instead.

Neil’s brain shut down. He realized he wouldn’t have minded if Lou had actually kissed him, and he had no idea what to do with that. He took a step back to give himself some space, clearing his throat. “So, uh, we got some time until our date, right?”

“We do.”

“Now what?”

“Well…” Lou’s smile grew sly, and his eyes scanned down Neil’s body. “I certainly have some ideas as to how we could pass the time. We could—”

“Flanders, arise!”

“Come on!” Lou groaned. “I was going to say lunch! Lunch!”

“Lies!”

Flanders appeared at Neil’s side with a grumpy sigh. “What is it now?” He gasped. “Neil! You got new clothes! Finally! But wait…”

“Yes,” Neil said. “The Crocs are still here, but—”

“But nothing! If you’re not going to let me burn them, I’m going back to sleep.”

“Good.” Lou smirked. “Good night, Flanders.”

“Just for that—” Flanders sat down. “—now I’m staying.”

“Thank you!” Neil put his hands on his hips. “Now, prepare to roast Lou. His wang wizardry is on the prowl.”

“All I wanted to do was ask what you wanted for lunch,” Lou insisted. “I was going to suggest we could watch some TV and order out. Whatever you’d like.”

Neil paused. “Anything I want?”

“Yes. My treat.”

Neil looked to Flanders. “Do we believe him?”

“Do we care?” Flanders drawled.

“We believe him!” Myrna whispered loudly from inside the kitchen, where she’d apparently been hiding.

Neil shook his head. “Thanks, Myrna.”

“You’re welcome!”

Lou grinned and held out his hand. “Please, baby. Let me feed you. Whatever you want.”

“Whatever I want?” Neil considered Lou’s offer.

“Anything.”

“Okay. Fine. We’re having sushi.”

“That’s—”

“And steak. And, and I mean like filet mignon fancy steak, do you understand? And lobster. I want some lobster too.”

“Is that all?”

“Oh, I’m just getting started.”

CHAPTER SEVEN

Lou ordered in from five different restaurants to fulfill Neil’s extravagant order, and Neil made it a point to completely stuff himself until he couldn’t move. He took off his jacket and tie, then he had to unbuckle his belt, and his pants got unbuttoned after dessert.

Myrna made him tea to help with indigestion.

Flanders said he ate like he dressed.

Neil ignored him.

“I regret nothing,” Neil declared even as his gut gurgled miserably.

“Drink your tea,” Myrna urged.

“I’m impressed you ate it all,” Lou said with a snort. “I thought you were only ordering a ton of food to spite me.”

“Well, I was. But I was also hungry.”

“Noted.”

Neil sank lower into the couch, eyeing the pile of empty takeout containers strewn across the table. He could barely see the mosaic now because there was so much trash. “I’ll clean that up. You know, eventually.”

“You’re fine.” Lou stretched his arms out over the back of the couch. “We can get it later.”

“Oh! Here!” Myrna beamed. “Let me!” She hurried over to pick up the mess, though it was a bit much for her to take in one trip. Try as she might, she kept dropping one of the plastic containers. She clicked her tongue at Flanders. “Someone could be helping me.”

“Someone has better things to do,” Flanders grumbled from where he was dozing on the floor in the sunshine.

“Please?” Myrna batted her eyes.

Flanders grumbled some more, but then he got up to snatch the stray container with his teeth. He followed Myrna to the kitchen, mumbling around the trash, “Thith isth beneath meh.”

“Thank you!” Myrna cooed. “Best boy ever. Oh yes you are!”

Flanders snorted, but Neil could see his tail wagging.

“Thank you, guys! I’ll be sure to grab some Milk-Bones later.” Neil heard Flanders cursing, but he ignored it. He stretched out his legs and yawned, rubbing his belly. “Damn, that was good. I can’t move.”

Lou chuckled, reaching over to brush Neil’s hair away from his face. “I’m surprised you’re not in a food coma right now.”

“Oh, I’m on my way.” Neil blushed, his pulse fluttering from the unexpected affection. “I just, uh…”

“What?” Lou’s hand hovered on Neil’s cheek.

Neil forgot whatever he was going to say, and he gulped, soon lost in Lou’s bright eyes. “You know, when you’re not being a giant douche of mythical proportions, you’re a pretty nice guy.”

“Don’t tell anyone.” Lou smiled. “I do have a reputation to keep.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll make sure everyone knows what an insufferable bastard you are.”

“Thank you. I appreciate it.”

Neil became aware Lou was leaning in closer. It certainly wasn’t Neil moving because his body felt like it was made of cement right now, and he gulped again.

Lou caressed Neil’s cheek with a thumb, his nail catching on the stubble there as he continued to advance. “You are so stunning. Do you have any idea what I want to do to you right now?”

Neil’s brain shut off.

He was uncomfortably full, sweating, and he was pretty sure there was still grease on his face from his big feast. He couldn’t imagine Lou wanting to do anything to him right now except maybe roll him off the couch to see if he’d bounce.

“I, uh…” Neil struggled for something to say, but his stomach had its own message it wanted to share.

He belched.

Loudly.

Neil tried to turn his head, but the damage was already done.

A gut packed full of steak, lobster, sushi, tiramisu, and green tea ice cream decided to erupt all at once and produced the worst burp Neil had ever burped in his entire life.

Lou’s reaction was immediate. He flinched and withdrew with a grimace.

“Sorry!” Neil slapped his hand over his mouth as he retreated.

God, this was horrible. He’d never belched right in a hot guy’s face before. Maybe Flanders would kill him if he asked him to.

Lou managed a small smile. “Are you sure you’re human? Because that was worthy of an ogre.”

“Wait, ogres are real?”

“Yes, darling,” Myrna said cheerfully as she strolled back over. “They’re quite lovely. Very into knitting.”

Neil raised his brows. “Wait, what were you doing over in the kitchen?”

“What?” Myrna blinked innocently.

“It really took you two that long to throw some trash away?”

“She was waiting to see if you two were going to smooch,” Flanders said, returning to his spot in the sunshine to lounge. “Once you threw up in your mouth all over Lou, we decided it wasn’t happening.”

Neil cringed.

Lou shrugged. “It still could.”

“Nope. I’m taking a nap now. A nice long nap.” Neil scrubbed his hands over his face. “Wake me up whenever you’ve forgotten about what just happened, okay?”

“So, never?” Flanders asked sweetly.

“Bad dog. Bad!”

* * *

Neil dozed for a few hours, not waking until Lou came to get him so they could prepare for their date. Still sluggish from his earlier gluttony, Neil let Lou lead him into the bedroom to show him the closet. It was a walk-in monstrosity the size of his bedroom back at the flower shop, and one side of it wasn’t quite as full as the other.

“This is your wardrobe from Hawk’s,” Lou said, gesturing to the smaller row of clothing. “Shoes are down there on the rack, socks and underwear in the drawers.”

“Wait, what kind of fancy closet has drawers?” Neil rubbed his eyes.

“A very fancy one.”

“How did all of this get here?”

“Magic.” Lou winked. “I’ll leave you to pick out something pretty to wear.”

“Why can’t I wear the suit I have on?” Neil complained. “I’ll change my shoes.”

“Because you have soy sauce, chocolate, and what appears to be butter all over it.”

“Fine.” Neil pawed through the rack, though he didn’t have a clue as to what to pick. “Hey, Lou?”

“Hmm?” Lou paused at the closet door.

“You told me to wear something blue before. Is…” Neil hesitated. It seemed like a lifetime ago when Lou had made that request, but he was curious. “Is that still a thing you want me to do? I know this isn’t quite the date we had in mind before, but I could totally do that, you know. Looks like I got every color of the rainbow in here.”

Lou smiled. “If you’d like to, yes.”

“Yeah. I can handle blue.” Neil selected a dark blue suit with a light blue shirt. He found a blue paisley tie to go with it, and he even matched his socks and underwear just because he could. There was a pair of black dress shoes he thought looked nice, and a black belt completed the ensemble.

Damn, he was gonna look sexy.

He opted to change right in the closet since he didn’t know where Lou was or what he was doing. He found a cubby with deodorant and cologne, helping himself to freshen up before he got dressed. He made it as far as new underwear, belt, pants, and his shirt before he ran into a problem.

The shirt had French cuffs.

And he had no cuff links.

Damn.

Neil went ahead and finished getting dressed, tucking his Crocs into the shoe rack and gathering up the other suit. He held the new jacket in his teeth since his arms were full, and he headed out to find Lou.

He didn’t see him, and that was just as well because it gave Neil time to check out the bedroom. He’d still been half asleep when Lou first brought him through here, and he hadn’t been awake enough to appreciate it—especially the gigantic canopy bed.

The furniture, including the aforementioned huge bed, was wood that had been stained black with silver hardware. A metal sculpture of a moon peeking through a bunch of clouds hung over the headboard, and the linens were silvery gray except for the curtains of the canopy, which were black and sheer.

Neil had the insane urge to dive face-first into the big plush bed, but maybe he’d end up there later if their date went well—

“If you want to test out my bed, all you have to do is ask,” Lou teased, walking up behind Neil with a laugh.

Neil gritted his teeth on the jacket and refused to acknowledge that he’d been thinking almost the exact same thing. “I’d rather snuggle with your cactuses, thanks.” He turned to face Lou. “Hamper?”

“What?” Lou took the jacket out of Neil’s mouth.

“Sorry. Hamper?” Neil held up the dirty clothes.

“In the bathroom. Here.” Lou opened the door for him. “I’ll sort it out for the dry cleaners later.”

“What? You can’t magically clean your clothes?”

“I don’t know that spell.” Lou winked.

Neil wasn’t sure if he was kidding or not.

The bathroom was as massive as the bedroom, and Neil could have swum laps in the tub. It was black on black marble with silver fixtures, an echo of the bedroom’s decor right down to a moon mural painted behind the big bathtub.

Neil almost missed the hamper because he couldn’t stop staring, mumbling, “Wow, this is, uh, nice.”

“Thank you.” Lou offered Neil his jacket. “It’s about time we leave.”

“Uh, no.” Neil held up his hands. “Cuff links?”

“Ah, come here.” Lou led Neil to his dresser and then opened the top drawer. Inside was a small tray of watches, necklaces, and cuff links. He picked out a pair of cuff links with blue gems and fixed Neil’s cuffs for him. He tucked the Reliquary under his sleeve before fastening it. “There.”

“Thanks.” Neil didn’t want to know if the gems were real. They probably were. He slid on his jacket. “I guess I’m ready now?”

“Not quite.” Lou held out his hand to show Neil it was empty. He turned it just so and suddenly a small cluster of blue blossoms appeared. He smiled, pinning them to Neil’s lapel. “There. Now you’re ready.”

Neil grinned. “Okay. That was slick.”

“I still have a few tricks up my sleeve. They’re forget-me—”

“Forget-me-nots.” Neil smirked. “Work in a flower shop, remember? Was this why you told me to wear blue before?”

“It was.”

“You do this on all your dates? To make sure they don’t forget you?” Neil laughed. “Are you really that corny?”

Lou offered his arm. “I don’t need flowers to be memorable, but yes, it is something I do sometimes.”

Neil took Lou’s arm, letting him walk them to the door. “Why didn’t you remind me to wear blue tonight then?”

Lou only smiled.

He wouldn’t say, instead choosing to change the subject as they headed downstairs to his truck. Myrna and Flanders were decidedly absent, though Neil swore he heard Myrna giggling from the back seat. Lou talked about the restaurant they were going to and how they shouldn’t be surprised if they saw his family there since they all frequented it. Their game of playing the happy couple needed to continue and blah blah blah—

“Did you hear a word I just said?” Lou asked grumpily.

“I heard something something, wow, you look so hot tonight, Neil. I’m so lucky that such a gorgeous, well-adjusted guy with a decent credit score like you is pretending to be my mate.” Neil grinned. “Was that it?”

“I am very lucky, but no.” Lou snorted. “I said as my mate, I’m going to order for you and you should avoid speaking before me. Let me do the talking. Do you understand?”

“Yes, I’m just here to be your mate, seen and not heard, blah blah blah.”

“Close enough.”

Everhart’s was a large granite building with an actual red carpet leading up to its front doors and valet parking. Neil had never been anywhere that had valet parking before, and he laughed like a little kid when one of the attendants opened his door for him.

Lou gestured for Neil to wait, coming around to personally take Neil’s hand to help him out. He gave his keys to another attendant as they headed inside, and he pulled Neil in close. “You look incredible, baby.”

Neil’s cheeks heated up, and he smiled dumbly. He hoped Lou meant the compliment, mumbling back, “You, uh… you look really good too. Thank you. I mean, I know this isn’t… but thank you. Really.”

“It’s my pleasure, baby.” Lou kissed his hand as he whisked him inside the restaurant.

It was beautiful.

Water trickled down the walls over mosaics that depicted rolling ocean waves in black and gray. Silk screens divided tables into small sections, giving the illusion of cozy dining in a giant space. Black paper lanterns hung from the ceiling on long chains leading to an elaborate chandelier centered in the vaulted ceiling, and the wooden floors had been stained a striking shade of crimson.

Neil didn’t want to touch anything.

Not even the floor.

He froze.

“Baby,” Lou said. “Are you all right?”

“Great,” Neil squeaked. “I’m just, uh, not used to places like this.”

“You will be soon enough.”

“Because I’m your mate and blah blah blah?” Neil squeezed Lou’s arm, grateful for the support, and his pulse quickened when Lou reached over with his other hand to squeeze Neil’s wrist.

“Because you deserve it.” Lou smiled.

It wasn’t his magazine cover dazzling grin or his hungry predatory leer, but a kind smile that made the corners of his eyes crinkle up.

Christ, he was gorgeous.

And he was being nice, genuinely nice and charming, and…

Neil was so fucked.

He liked Lou. Like, really liked him, and he didn’t want to be on a fake date with him. He wanted to be on a real date and have real sex later without the mental anguish of being used for a stupid magical bracelet.

Maybe there was a chance—

“Oh! Look who’s here!” someone crooned from behind them.

“The happy couple,” teased another. “How lovely.”

Neil turned his head, and he nearly crushed the life out of Lou’s arm when he saw who it was.

Absolis and Vilanos Mostro.

Absolis was wearing a sheer glittering gown to which elaborate violet flowers had been embroidered, giving the illusion of nudity but with coverage in all the right places. Vilanos had a purple skirt with the same flowers and a matching blouse with a dazzling corsage on his shoulder.

The flowers appeared to be live blossoms, and Neil had no idea how they were attached to their clothes, much less the sprinkling of petals on their faces and the blooms in their hair.

They looked, well…

Magical.

Then Neil remembered the pointy teeth and the black eyes, and they were no longer so enchanting.

Lou smiled. “Absolis. Vilanos. What a wonderful surprise.”

“You two look dashing.” Absolis batted his eyes. “Here for your little date?”

“Of course.”

“We missed you last night at the Inferno,” Vilanos said. “Bertie said he was expecting you.”

“Couldn’t be bothered to leave Neil’s bed,” Lou smoothly retorted. “He’s a much more hospitable host than Bertie.”

“Oh, I’m sure.” Absolis stared Neil down with a hungry smile.

“So sure,” Vilanos echoed, licking his lips.

“This has been almost as fun as having teeth extracted, but if you’ll excuse us, we have a dinner to go to,” Neil said briskly.

Lou squeezed Neil’s hand in warning. “Please. What my mate is trying to say is that he’s very eager to get me all to himself.”

“Oh.” Absolis and Vilanos shared a sly smile, and Absolis said, “And here we were about to ask you to join us. A little family dinner.”

“A family dinner would be so nice,” added Vilanos. “It’s been so long since the last one we shared together.”

“No fucki—” Neil started.

“No way we’d refuse such a generous invitation,” Lou spoke loudly over Neil, giving his hand another hard squeeze.

Neil bit his tongue to keep from saying anything stupid like Flanders, arise. He didn’t know if hellfire worked on faeries, but he was willing to try. He had been looking forward to having a pretend date with his pretend boyfriend, not a full-on family reunion with his pretend boyfriend’s creepy ass but also really eerily hot brothers.

“We didn’t think so.” Absolis smiled, sashaying ahead to speak to the host.

Lou kissed Neil’s brow.

It felt like an apology, but Neil was still angry. If they were really dating, this would require some intense makeup sex.

Now he was thinking about Lou’s dick again.

Dammit.

The host led the four of them to a table up on a raised platform in the back flanked on either side by a large rock garden. It screamed lush and exclusive, and Neil nearly tripped when Lou pulled out his chair for him. Lou steadied him with a firm grip and a kind smile, and Neil’s heart did some stumbling of its own.

Absolis and Vilanos sat opposite Neil and Lou, and they were practically in each other’s laps. They smiled sweetly at Neil, and their eyes flashed black.

Neil reached for Lou’s hand as soon as he sat down.

“So. Neil.” Absolis licked his lips. “You work at that quaint little flower shop with your uncle?”

“Just for the summer,” Neil replied nervously. “I…” He glanced at Lou, remembering that he was supposed to let him do the talking.

“Until Shiloh returns,” Lou added. “Once he’s back, I’ll be moving Neil in with me. He won’t need to work there any longer.”

“And whatever is Neil going to do with all that free time?” Vilanos asked coyly.

“Whatever I want him to.” Lou smiled, looking to Neil. “Which will be whatever makes him happy.”

Neil hadn’t been expecting that, and he found himself smiling back at Lou. Being the kept mate of a werewolf crime boss didn’t sound so bad. They locked eyes for a long moment, and he knew if Lou had told him to kiss him right then, he wouldn’t have been able to refuse.

Absolis and Vilanos appeared less than impressed, and Vilanos drawled, “This is adorable fiction, but fiction it remains. We need to discuss—”

There was a loud crash, and a woman screamed.

Someone shouted, and soon the entire front of the restaurant erupted into chaos as people fled their tables. Even the staff was running, and Lou was on his feet in an instant.

“Neil, stay right here,” he ordered. “No matter what happens, don’t move.”

“What the fuck is going on?” Neil snapped, his blood icing over. “What is it?”

“Nothing good,” Absolis said.

“Nothing good at all,” echoed Vilanos.

There!

It was a werewolf.

It tore through the silk screens with an angry howl, making a beeline for their table.

And it wasn’t alone.

Three more werewolves were right behind it, plus a giant humanoid with one eye, a half-snake naga thing, and more creatures Neil didn’t even know how to identify.

“Stay here!” Lou ordered again as he stripped out of his pants. He was already in the process of transforming, his giant body destroying the rest of his suit as he lunged forward to body slam the other werewolf.

And yes, Neil had checked out his dick because it was right there—but his ogling was short-lived.

Neil watched in horror as Lou was swarmed by the other monsters. He knew Lou was tough, but he was clearly outnumbered. He turned to Absolis and Vilanos to tell them to go help their brother, but they were gone. Cursing, Neil ducked under the table to call for backup.

After all, he was far from helpless now.

“Flanders, arise!” Neil shouted. “Arise right fucking now, please!”

“Hello, Neil.” Flanders poked his head under the table. “Oh, love the suit. Navy is such a good color on you.” He gasped. “Love your shoes.”

“Thank you! Need your help! Go! Burn things, please! Bad monsters! Go, go, go!”

Flanders’s eyes glowed. “With pleasure.”

“Myrna! Arise, Myrna! Uh, wakey wakey?”

“I’m right here!” Myrna popped up under the table with Neil. “Things are getting a little dicey out there, aren’t they?”

“Who are those guys? The bad eboli monsters?”

“Ribelli, but yes.” Myrna cringed. “They’ve never attempted an attack in public like this before. This is very not good. This is—”

“Hey, Myrna!” Neil grabbed her shoulder. “Tell me who I can wake up to go fuck some shit up.”

“Oh!” Myrna blinked. “The sun’s gone down. You can summon the Princess! You say the stars are out, Princess.”

“What the fuck is a princess gonna do?”

“She will fuck some shit up.”

“Fine.” Neil looked at his wrist. “The stars are out, Princess.”

In front of the table, a woman now stood who hadn’t been there before. Neil could only see the bottom part of her dress, and it was a rich ivory brocade with little golden beads.

Then she kneeled down.

And Neil wished she hadn’t.

Her dress had long bell sleeves and a square neckline framed with elaborate beadwork. Her golden hair was neatly pinned back and crowned with a dainty tiara, and she looked ready to crash a Renaissance fair. The issue, however, was her face.

At least, what she had of one.

Her lower jaw was a mangled row of pointed teeth that rested upon her clavicle, and her top teeth ran from ear to ear. What should have been her throat was a gaping maw with a long swirling black tongue, and she could have easily bitten off Neil’s entire head in one quick chomp.

“Hello, Princess Bridgette!” Myrna cooed. “Thanks so much for coming, Your Majesty.”

“Y-yeah, thanks,” Neil stammered. “Could you please, uh…”

“Go smite our enemies and have your fill,” Myrna whispered.

“Yup. What she said.”

Bridgette’s milky eyes blinked slowly and she nodded. She didn’t say a word as she rose to her feet, gracefully turning to stroll over to the ongoing battle.

“What now?” Neil asked worriedly.

Myrna grimaced. “I wouldn’t look if I were you.”

Bridgette came upon the snake person first. Her tongue shot out of her mouth like a frog’s, wrapping around the snake person’s neck and dragging it back to her mouth until—crunch.

“You were right.” Neil paled. “I should not have looked.”

“I warned you!” Myrna scolded.

“God, why is there so much blood?”

There was a loud crash as the giant fell, burned to a crisp by an incredibly smug Flanders. Several other charred corpses were strewn about, evidence of what a busy boy he’d been. Bridgette was enjoying her naga meal and had already snagged one of the werewolves for dessert. Lou was holding his own against the remaining monsters, tearing some kind of feathery goblin to shreds with a furious howl.

The table suddenly flipped over, leaving Neil and Myrna exposed and staring helplessly up at a giant lizard beast.

The lizard beast lashed its tail and roared.

Neil’s first thought was that Myrna had lied to him about Godzilla not being real. His second thought was that he hoped Godzilla had nuts.

Neil grabbed the closest chair and swung it as hard as he could into the lizard beast’s groin. He didn’t wait to see if it had the desired effect, instead jumping to his feet and making a run for it. “Myrna!”

“Running, running, running!” she squealed as she dashed ahead of him at lightning speed.

“Wait, wait! Why are you running? Why do you always run?”

“Force of habit?”

“But you’re already dea—oh fuck!” The lizard’s tail whipped around Neil’s ankles, pulling tight and causing him to fall flat on his face. “Ow.”

“Neil!” Myrna shouted, racing back to him. “Here!” She pressed a big bottle into his hand. “Take this!”

Neil rolled onto his back, hurling the bottle at the lizard. It shattered, released a pink plume of smoke, but then nothing happened. “What the fuck?”

The lizard sneezed and then rubbed its snout, apparently as mystified as Neil.

“No!” Myrna groaned.

“What?”

“That was for you to drink! Not for throwing! It’s a strength potion!”

“Oh grea—” Neil screamed as the lizard slung him through the air like a sack of potatoes. He crashed through some of the paper lanterns and then hit the wall with a miserable smack. He saw stars, the room spun, and he landed flat on his back with a weak wheeze.

By the time he managed to crawl up to his knees, the lizard was only a few yards away and closing in fast.

Neil held his head high and flipped him off.

The lizard roared, but the sound was overtaken by a bone-chilling howl.

It was Lou!

He leapt through the air, tackling the lizard to the ground. He latched on to its neck with his teeth and jerked his head back, tearing its throat out with an enraged snarl. The lizard kicked and thrashed its tail, and Flanders was there to reduce it to ashes before it could even gurgle its final breath.

“Holy shit,” Neil mumbled as his guts sloshed. “Blood. Whoa, blood. There’s… That’s… That is a lot of blood. Fuck, I’m gonna be sick.”

Bridgette’s loud slurping noises did not help.

“Uh, Myrna?” Lou growled. “Little help?”

“Oh! Sure! We’ll get you cleaned up in a jiffy.” Myrna took a lace handkerchief from her apron and somehow that was enough to clean all the blood from Lou’s fur.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, darling!”

Lou pulled Neil to his feet, his bones cracking as he reverted to his human form. He crushed Neil against his chest while there was still fur, demanding, “Are you okay, baby? Are you all right?”

“Not even a little bit.” Neil laughed weakly and hugged Lou tight. Even though Lou’s embrace made his spine throb, he didn’t want to let go. He wasn’t sure if he was going to cry, throw up, or maybe both, and he couldn’t stop shaking.

Lou rubbed his back and cradled him close. “I’ve got you, baby. I’m right here.” He nuzzled Neil’s hair. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Better not.” Neil huffed. “I’ll kick your ass.”

Lou chuckled, and he pulled back to offer Neil a little smile. “There he is. My little spitfire.”

“Yup, that’s me.” Neil grinned. “Mr. Adorable Spitfire.”

Lou gently set Neil back on the ground, but he didn’t let go. He slid his hand to the small of Neil’s back and cradled his cheek, bowing his head until their brows met. “Yes. My mate.”

Neil’s pulse promptly malfunctioned, and he braced his trembling hands on Lou’s chest. Their breaths mingled in a tornado of hot pants, and he couldn’t tell if the frantic pounding he felt in his palms was his own erratic heartbeat or Lou’s. The heat of Lou’s bare skin was scorching even through the fabric of Neil’s suit, and each tender caress was winding Neil up tighter and tighter until he thought he was going to burst.

It was all too much—the monsters, the fighting, the blood, almost being killed by Godzilla. Neil was officially overwhelmed and exhausted from countless surges of adrenaline, and the only thing that felt good or right in this moment was being here in Lou’s arms, a breath away from tasting his lips.

Neil took a deep breath. “Lou, I—”

“Shut up and kiss me.”

“What?”

Lou kissed him.

CHAPTER EIGHT

Lou’s lips were soft, hot, and the flick of his tongue made Neil’s knees tremble.

They were kissing.

They were finally kissing.

Neil couldn’t be sure, but he thought he heard Myrna cheer.

Lou dominated the kiss, his hand turning Neil’s head this way and that as he explored his mouth with hungry growls and quick nips of his teeth. No one had kissed Neil so possessively before, and his pulse spiked as heat crawled down his spine right to the head of his cock.

Neil kissed Lou back hungrily, trying to give as good as he got, and he gasped when Lou grabbed his ass. He arched forward to slam their hips together, and he needed more. The Dick That Should Be Ignored couldn’t be ignored any longer, and all of Neil’s walls were crumbling away.

To hell with resisting Lou’s wang wizardry.

He didn’t want to fight it anymore, not when he wanted Lou so badly. He wanted to climb Lou like a damn tree, he needed him to spank his ass, to give him that big dick, and—

“Well,” Vilanos said, “that certainly looks like how a wolf would kiss his mate.”

“It’s definitely how a wolf would kiss his mate,” Absolis agreed.

Lou growled low. “Where the hell have you two been?”

Neil was lightheaded, and he wasn’t sure if it was from being thrown into a wall or Lou’s searing kisses.

Concussion or lust, the age-old question.

He leaned against Lou’s chest for support, and he had to fight the insane urge to lick his thick pec. He promised himself he would lick it and lots of other fun things later. Fake dating or whatever they were doing, that kiss had woken up something in Neil that needed intimate attention.

And soon.

“We were busy catching the mortals who ran away to tell everyone and anyone they could that they were attacked by a giant pack of monsters,” Vilanos replied with a roll of his eyes.

“Glamouring dozens of squishy humans is time consuming.” Absolis scoffed. “You don’t want us to risk exposure, do you?”

“Do you?” Vilanos demanded.

“How much time do we have?” Lou snapped.

“Twenty minutes,” Vilanos and Absolis replied in unison.

“All right.” Lou kissed Neil again. “Listen to me, baby. I’m gonna go find my pants. Summon the Architect to clean this up, all right?”

“Okay.” Neil nodded. “Got it.”

“Good boy.” Lou smiled warmly.

Neil enjoyed watching Lou walk away, but trying to adjust his hard dick while Absolis and Vilanos watched him was awkward. He turned his back to them, mumbling, “Take some pictures or somethin’, for fuck’s sake.”

“Do you really think they’re mates?” Absolis asked, being purposefully loud as if to make sure Neil heard him.

“If they weren’t before, they are now,” Vilanos said. “At the very least, they’re going to fuck tonight.”

“Yes, we are,” Neil dared to confirm. “At least twice.”

“Only twice?” Vilanos clicked his tongue.

Absolis clicked back. “Only.”

They laughed, and Neil had no idea what was so funny unless there was something new about werewolf stamina he was about to find out later tonight.

“Uh, Architect, awaken.” Neil was more prepared this time for the Architect’s gaunt leer, and he waved. “Hey, buddy! Could you please help us clean this up? Pretty please?”

The Architect nodded and grinned, and he scooped up big handfuls of broken furniture and glass to shove into his mouth.

Neil opted not to watch his repairs, calling out, “Myrna? Please tell me you have a tea for humans to cure concussions.”

Myrna popped up beside him with a big mug of something steamy and green. “I don’t know about a cure exactly, but it should help if you have a headache, darling.”

“Thank you.” Neil took a sip. “Do I even want to know what’s in this?”

“Probably not.” Myrna patted his arm.

“Where’s Princess Bitey Face?”

“Oh, she’s gone. Took a snack with her.”

“Yum. And Flanders?”

“Right here.” Flanders was suddenly on the other side of Neil, sniffing his shoes eagerly. “God, they are Italian leather. I can taste the hand stitching. Exquisite.”

“Easy!” Neil snorted out a laugh.

“Did you burn the Crocs? Wait, don’t tell me the truth. Lie to me so I can enjoy this.”

Neil stepped aside to make way for the Architect’s repairs. “Sure, buddy. Whatever. But hey, thank you for your help. All of you. Was nice to help save the day.”

“We are happy to serve you, Neil.” Myrna curtsied.

“Happier now that your shoes aren’t assaulting my eyes with neon plastic horror,” Flanders added with a wag of his tail.

“They’re not plastic,” Neil corrected. “It’s a polymer called Croslite, and—”

“Shush now.” Flanders patted the top of Neil’s head with his big paw. “Don’t ruin this for me.”

Neil rolled his eyes.

“Hey, baby.” Lou sidled up to Neil, carrying the shredded remains of his suit. He had his pants and shoes on, but it didn’t look like anything else survived his transformation.

“Uh, hey. Baby.” Neil grinned.

“It looks like Archie is almost done.” Lou casually draped his arm over Neil’s shoulders. “My brothers have wiped everyone’s memories and—”

“Tallywacker dickery!” Flanders shouted.

“Excuse me?”

“Schlong mischief. Pelvic sorcery. Whatever. Neil told me to take action when there were sexual shenanigans afoot.” Flanders eyed Lou’s arm. “You are making a move, Lou. I believe I have grounds to roast you.”

“It’s okay,” Neil said quickly. “The boycott on Lou’s wang wizardry has been lifted.”

“Oh.”

“Did you not see us making out a few minutes ago?”

Flanders snorted. “I was more focused on the fact your hideous shoes had been replaced by someone with actual taste.”

Neil rolled his eyes. “So, uh, Lou, what were you saying?”

Lou chuckled. “Right. So, my brothers have erased everyone’s memories, and in about ten minutes they’ll all come right back in here like nothing happened.”

“Okie dokie. Are they gonna talk about light reflecting off some swamp gas too?”

“They just might.” Lou chuckled. “My question now to you, dear mate, is this.” He drew Neil in close. “Would you be terribly offended if you were denied the cloth napkin dinner experience this evening?”

“Oh?” Neil licked his lips. “In favor of what?”

“In favor of me taking you home to fuck you the way I’ve been wanting to since I first laid eyes on you?”

Neil’s cock twitched. “I’ll still be offended, but I’ll get over it.”

“I thought as much.” Lou took Neil’s hand, pressing a kiss to his knuckles with a devilish smile.

“So, sleep with earplugs in is what I’m hearing,” Flanders griped.

“Shush!” Myrna scolded. “It’s sweet!”

Flanders pretended to heave.

Neil didn’t even care.

The moment the Architect was done repairing the restaurant, Neil strolled out on Lou’s arm with his head held high.

He was about to get some dick.

They got a few odd stares while they were waiting for the valet since Lou was half-naked, but Lou smiled politely and acted like it was totally normal. Neil clung to Lou’s arm, excited and nervous. He was still riding the high of surviving another insane fight and the thrill of Lou’s amazing kiss, and he couldn’t wait to find out what else Lou was good at.

They held hands on the drive back, and the air was deliciously tense. Neil’s heart didn’t stop pounding for a second, and he pounced on Lou the moment they were in the elevator. Lou kissed him back with a happy growl, and they didn’t stop making out even as they stumbled through Lou’s front door.

Neil’s jacket came off first, and he crashed into the wall trying to kick off his shoes. Lou caught him and pinned him there with another scorching kiss as he literally tore Neil’s shirt off. The sound of ripping fabric was ridiculously hot, and Neil added it to his growing list of new kinks.

He eagerly groped Lou’s bare chest and sucked on his tongue as it slid deep into his mouth. He moaned when Lou slapped his hand down on his ass. “F-fuck!”

“Soon,” Lou teased, using his grip to guide Neil from the wall into the bedroom.

Neil yanked at his tie until he got it out of his way to remove his shirt. He’d forgotten about the cuff links and nearly seized when he heard what was probably a very expensive clink as one of them went skittering across the floor. “Shit!”

“Fuck it.” Lou sucked at Neil’s throat as they crossed the threshold and helped him take his shirt off the rest of the way. He greedily clawed at the bounty of Neil’s newly exposed skin, and his voice was hoarse as he said, “You’re going to need a safe word.”

Neil laughed. “Wow, uh, just how freaky are we getting?”

“You’re about to have sex with a werewolf. I’d say it’s on up there.”

Neil’s laugh was a bit more anxious now. “What, what sort of things would I need a safe word for?”

“I don’t want to scare you, but I don’t want you to get hurt either.” Lou cupped Neil’s cheek. “My anatomy is not the same as a human’s. I’m stronger, faster, and I’m accustomed to being intimate with other monsters. You have to let me know if anything I do is too much or uncomfortable, do you understand?”

“Yeah. Totally. Thank you.” Neil was still eager, if not honestly more so. He loved a challenge, and he was dying to find out if sex with a werewolf was everything he was hoping it was.

And not just any werewolf, but Lou.

Gorgeous, persistent, charming, and brave Lou, who Neil wanted to dick him down until his brain could not function.

“There’s a few other things I need to warn you about too.” Lou steered Neil to the bed.

“What?” Neil let Lou push him down onto the mattress. “Do you vibrate? Glow in the dark?”

“No,” Lou replied as he climbed on top of him. “But I do have a very long tongue, my cock has a knot, and my precome is a natural lubricant.”

“A very what and a who now?” Neil blinked.

“A very long tongue and—”

“No, no, I heard you. My entire brain just blue screened for a second.” Neil’s dick was so hard it hurt. “So, the knot. That’s a thing. Like a big thing, right?”

“It is.” Lou slid between Neil’s thighs, pinning him down. “I understand if it’s too much. We don’t have to have sex. We can—”

“The fuck we’re not. Lucky for you, I’m no quitter.” Neil took a deep breath. “I want it. I want everything.”

“Then it’s yours—”

“On one condition.” Neil sat up, forcing Lou back to his knees.

“What is it, baby?”

“Just, uh…” Neil hesitated, fighting the sense of vulnerability that was keeping him from speaking up. He didn’t usually have a problem saying exactly what was on his mind, but this was different. The Reliquary on his wrist might as well have weighed a thousand pounds. “Tell me you would have fucked me if we’d gone out on that date?”

“What?” Lou’s brow scrunched.

“If things had happened the way they were supposed to and I didn’t get the Reliquary or find out that monsters were real and all that.” Neil took a deep breath. “Would you still want me?”

Lou’s expression softened, and he pressed a gentle kiss to Neil’s lips. “Without a doubt. But I am much happier it worked out this way.”

“Really?”

“Do you want to know why I didn’t ask you to wear blue tonight?” Lou smiled. “Because that bit with the flowers is a tired old play I’ve used on almost every date I’ve ever been on. I tell the guy to wear blue, do the magic trick with the flower, and they always love it. We go to dinner, we fuck, and then I never see them again.” He nuzzled Neil’s cheek. “But with you…”

“With me?” Neil prompted, his heart in his throat.

“I definitely want to see you again, and it didn’t feel right pulling one of my old moves on you. Not since…” Lou’s smile was almost shy. “Not since we’ve gotten to know each other a bit more. I like you, Neil. A lot. I didn’t want tonight to be another dine, dick, and dash. I wanted it to be special.”

“Well, I hit Godzilla in the balls with a chair. I’d say tonight was pretty special.” Neil grinned as his heart pitter-pattered away. “And for the record, your flower trick is very cute. I… I really like you too. Grudgingly, but I do. This is one date I’m never going to forget.”

Lou reached for Neil’s belt. “Allow me to give you something to make this a bit more memorable, baby.”

“Dick? Please tell me you’re talking about dick.”

Two folded hand towels suddenly appeared on the bed beside them.

Neil froze. “Uh.”

“Thank you, Myrna,” Lou said dutifully.

Myrna appeared, but it was only her head peeking over the edge of the bed. The rest of her body had to be in the floor, and she gave a quick little wave. “You’re welcome! Have good sex!”

“Thanks!” Neil snorted out a laugh.

His life was so insane.

Once Myrna had vanished, Lou looked back to Neil and reminded him, “Safe word.”

“Marzipan,” Neil replied immediately. It was the first one that popped into his head, and saying it out loud made what was about to happen even more real.

“Good boy.” Lou winked and promptly snapped Neil’s belt as if it were a pencil.

“Holy sh-shit! Whoa, that was hot.” Neil gasped as Lou ripped his pants off in one quick jerk. “That’s hot too!”

Lou slid his hands over Neil’s thighs as he pushed between them. He bowed his head, stuffing his face into Neil’s groin and breathing in deep with a throaty growl. “Mm, baby. You smell delicious.”

Neil shuddered, certain his dick was about to be painting the inside of his underwear with a hot load. The primal way Lou was sniffing and rubbing against his crotch was making Neil pant, and he whimpered when Lou mouthed at his shaft through his briefs. He was desperate for more, begging, “Fuck, come on. Please.”

“Patience,” Lou warned, still sucking at Neil’s cock through his underwear. “Just breathe, baby. I’m going to take such good care of you.”

Neil squirmed, caught between the warmth of Lou’s mouth and the cool tingle created by the damp fabric left in his wake. Lou was slowly moving up Neil’s dick, his hands massaging Neil’s inner thighs and keeping them firmly spread. Neil tried to remain calm, he really did, but he’d been ready to go since their kiss at the restaurant.

When Lou finally started sucking on the head of Neil’s cock and tonguing at his slit, Neil thought he was going to scream. The suction wasn’t nearly enough and being denied the full joy of Lou’s mouth because his underwear were in the way was maddening. It only made Neil want him more, and he tried again, “Baby, please. Please, please, pretty fuckin’ please.”

“Not yet, baby.” Lou purposefully dragged his tongue back down Neil’s cock to his balls. He mouthed at each one, sliding his thumb over to massage Neil’s taint. “Patience.”

“I have been patient. So very patient!” Neil let out a frustrated groan.

“Oh?” Lou moved his thumb lower to tease Neil’s hole. He pushed right up against it with firm pressure, as if he was going to shove his way right through the damn fabric, and he smiled wickedly. “Have you now?”

“Yes!”

Lou popped his thigh.

Neil flinched and moaned. The quick smack of Lou’s hand felt good, and the sting made Neil’s already hard cock throb. He was certain his cock was dripping now, soaking the front of his already wet underwear. “F-fuck!”

“Be a good boy and you’ll be rewarded.” Lou rubbed Neil’s thigh. “Or… if you want to be a brat, I’m certainly up to teaching you a lesson.”

“Whatever gets me to pound town faster,” Neil pleaded. “God, please. Please, please, please.”

“We’ll get there.” Lou kissed the base of Neil’s cock. “I’m enjoying this.”

“I’d enjoy getting fucked a lot more.” Neil yelped when Lou smacked his thigh again. “Mmm, God.”

Lou grabbed the hem of Neil’s underwear, pulling them down just far enough so his cock sprang out. He nuzzled the little curls of hair and then teased his teeth against the tender skin. He mouthed across one crease of Neil’s groin to the other, totally avoiding his cock.

Neil could see a bubble of precome welling up at his slit, and the head was flushed a dark red. His entire cock was twitching from the force of his pulse, and he took a deep breath, trying to relax. He reached down to sweep Lou’s long hair back so he could watch him, murmuring, “God, you’re so hot.”

“So are you.” Lou lapped at Neil’s cock and then pulled away with a wink. He tugged Neil’s underwear down and off, flinging them to the floor. He dropped back between Neil’s legs and ran his tongue over his top lip as if he was getting ready to gobble up a tasty snack.

Neil remembered what Lou had said about his tongue, but it looked pretty normal from here.

Lou didn’t hesitate to prove him wrong.

Lou’s tongue flopped out of his mouth, and it was unnaturally dexterous, thick, and yes—very long. He lapped from Neil’s balls all the way to the head to claim the precome with a greedy lick. He licked back down and around Neil’s cock, his tongue curling as firmly as a finger would have.

“F-fuck, wow.” Neil pushed up on his elbows to watch, totally entranced as Lou’s tongue continued to swirl all around and squeeze his cock. He let out a stuttered gasp as Lou dropped his attention to his balls, and then lower still to his hole.

Lou lapped at the puckered flesh, snarling loud enough to make his writhing tongue vibrate. He pushed Neil’s legs up and toward his chest to give himself more room to work with, and he continued to devour Neil’s asshole with steady laps.

Neil groaned, nearly folded in half now as Lou ate him out, and he reached up to brace his hands against the headboard. The slick pressure was divine, and the occasional nip of Lou’s teeth made him gasp. He swore they were getting bigger, sharper, and he couldn’t help but get even more excited. His skin was hot, stinging with sweat, and goose bumps rose over his chest until his nipples were hard little nubs.

His neglected cock continued to drip, but his entire world was Lou’s tongue and the firm grip of his hands—claws?—pinning him in this pretzeled hold. He let out a broken moan, certain that no one had ever given him this level of attention before.

And then Lou’s tongue pressed in.

“Ah, G-God!” Neil croaked, his voice breaking from the sudden surge of pressure.

God, it felt good.

Lou’s tongue thrust, and Neil’s vision gave birth to a galaxy of stars. The tip twisted upward to massage against his prostate as it moved deeper, and it was thick enough to mimic the girth of a cock. The way it could move inside of him was mind-shattering, and Neil couldn’t contain his moans as it slithered against his inner walls.

Even the fanciest sex toys on the planet couldn’t do what Lou was doing with his tongue, and Neil’s toes curled toward the ceiling.

“Oh fuck. Fuck. Fuck, oh, God. Fuck!” Neil couldn’t have formed a coherent sentence if his life depended on it, completely lost to the searing press of Lou’s wicked tongue. The sound of Lou’s breathy growls—deep snarls that no human being could have uttered—sent shivers cascading over his overheated skin.

His ass was currently being devoured by a beast, and Neil whined, rocking down to meet the relentless thrusts.

A quick glance between his thighs made him gasp—he hadn’t expected Lou to be staring him down like he truly was about to eat him whole.

Lou’s eyes were icy white, burning with a lusty fire that reduced Neil’s inhibitions to ash. The silver streak of the scar crossing through his brow was also incredibly sexy, and Neil made a mental note to lick it at his earliest convenience. He moaned louder, riding Lou’s face to show him just how much he was enjoying this. The urge to come was growing with every slide of Lou’s fantastic tongue, and he tilted his hips to put the pressure right where he wanted it most.

Lou grabbed Neil’s hips to halt him, pushing him down into the mattress and holding him still.

“Mmm, no… Come on!” Neil pleaded, hardly recognizing how weak he sounded. “Please let me come… I’m so fuckin’ close!”

Lou huffed—maybe it was a laugh.

And then the bastard withdrew his tongue.

“No, no, no!” Neil groaned. “Don’t stop! Please!”

Lou spanked Neil’s thigh.

“Oh!” Neil whimpered and struggled against Lou’s firm hold. His asshole was sinfully spread, and he clenched around nothing when Lou spanked him again. His head was light, his body was on fire, and he was aching for Lou to give him more.

Anything.

His tongue, his fingers, another spanking—something to dilute the growing insanity of being pushed right to the edge and then denied. He was empty, falling through wave after wave of stunted bliss that needed immediate action.

“Not yet,” Lou said huskily. “Not until my knot is buried deep inside of you. Only then.”

“Fuck.” Neil licked his lips. “Give it to me.”

Lou smiled, leaning back to slip out of his pants and underwear. Neil had seen him naked before, but knowing this flesh was being revealed for the sole purpose of fucking him made it even hotter. Lou’s body was hulking perfection painted in broad lines and thick strokes. Every inch of him exuded brute strength and power, from the swell of his shoulders to the curve of his thighs.

And his cock.

Neil had never seen a cock before that he thought could lift weights, and yet there it was.

His mouth filled with spit and he had to swallow before saying, “Woof.”

Lou chuckled as he stroked himself, the head of his cock glistening with ample precome. “Cute.”

Neil spread his legs wide. “Cute enough to get that right over here?”

“Definitely.”

“And your precome is really lube?”

“Uh-huh.” Lou squeezed his cock, and more dribbled out until his entire shaft was coated. He slid his wet fingers over Neil’s hole, smearing the excess fluid around and inside. “But you’ll tell me if it’s still uncomfortable. Won’t you?”

“Yes, sir, Mr. Werewolf, sir.” Neil fussed when Lou withdrew his hand. “I will, I promise.”

“Good boy.” Lou pounced, pressing on top of Neil and kissing him passionately.

Neil groaned and wrapped his legs around Lou’s waist, grinding up against him. He dragged his fingers through the thick hair on Lou’s chest, pausing to thumb over his nipples and give them a playful pinch.

Lou growled, thrusting his hips forward to press his cock into Neil’s groin. “Easy, baby.”

Neil defiantly pinched harder.

Lou reached for Neil’s thigh, sliding his hand down to his hip and smacking him hard.

Neil flinched, but he moaned, loving the quick flash of pain. “God, I love that.”

“I know.” Lou nuzzled Neil’s cheek. “You like being told what to do too, don’t you?”

“I…” Neil was too flustered to answer.

“Don’t worry, baby. We’ll take it slow.” Lou kissed him. “You’ll learn how to be a good boy for me… if that’s what you want.”

“Right now I just want you to fuck me. I can’t think. I just, I just wanna fucking come.” Neil wiggled. “Please.”

“I’m gonna take care of you, baby.” Lou smiled. “Trust me.”

Neil’s heart thumped, and he inhaled sharply as Lou lined up his cock. It was feverishly hot, weirdly slick, and he wanted to cheer when it finally breached him. He breathed through the stretch; there was nothing but a few prickles of discomfort that were quickly swallowed up by a surge of exquisite pressure. He marveled at the slippery slide, unsure if it was the result of Lou’s spit, his magical precome, or a mix of both.

It eased the way until Lou had buried every inch inside of him, and Neil grunted, stuffed deliciously full. He clung to Lou’s big shoulders to help anchor himself to this planet, and he kissed him frantically. “Lou… you feel good. You feel so good.”

“So do you,” Lou murmured. “Christ, Neil… You feel fucking perfect.”

“Damn right I do.” Neil flashed a crooked little smile. “I’m your mate.”

“Yes.” Lou smiled back. “You are.”

Lou’s initial thrusts were agonizingly slow, and they both shuddered and groaned as their bodies intertwined. Neil hugged Lou close, whining upon Lou’s withdrawal and then moaning in triumph when he filled him once more. Lou’s cock was hitting nerves hidden deep within Neil’s body, some of which he didn’t even know existed before now, and the friction was sizzling hot.

Lou slid an arm beneath Neil to grab his shoulder, gently pulling him down to meet his thrusts. His other hand snaked along Neil’s thigh, encouraging him to lift his leg higher.

The new angle took Neil’s breath away, and he grunted low, his lashes fluttering as he struggled to breathe through the intense rush. Nothing had ever felt like this—the raw heat, the tender touches, and the sheer weight of Lou’s cock filling him. It was overwhelming in the best way, and Neil clung to Lou’s back to ground his spinning thoughts.

Too much, not enough, needed more, hard to breathe, but fuck, it was so, so, so good.

The earlier urgency for release was muted, and Neil let himself get caught up in the rising speed of Lou’s thrusts. He could feel a new sensation building, something from deep inside, and he was soon grunting from the force of Lou’s slams. His leg rose until it was hooked over Lou’s shoulder, and he cried out in surprise as Lou pounded into him. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!”

Lou bared his teeth in a fierce growl, and they’d changed into sharp fangs. He pushed forward until Neil’s knee was in his chest, and Neil scrambled to hold on. Fur sprouted over Lou’s back, and Neil eagerly dug his fingers in. He watched in awe as Lou fought to keep his transformation under control, and he could feel Lou’s spine arching with a hollow crunch. He knew then that Lou was holding back to avoid hurting him, and he smiled, delirious with the rush of pleasure he was already experiencing…

But he was greedy for more.

He dragged his hands down to grab Lou’s ass, pausing to appreciate its spectacular flex as Lou rocked into him. He squeezed and then laid a smack of his own there upon Lou’s flawless ass cheek, grinning up at him.

“Oh.” Lou sucked in a breath and snarled.

Neil barely had time to blink before he was suddenly on his face. He fought to raise his hips up as he attempted to sort out how Lou had repositioned him so quickly, but Lou was right on top of him. Lou pinned Neil to the bed, growling as he forced his cock back inside of him. The quick slam drew a cry from Neil’s lips, and he clawed at the sheets as Lou started fucking him into the mattress. It was hot, heavy, and Neil moaned as every furious thrust made his brain fog over.

He couldn’t see much of Lou like this, but he felt his fur against his back and the prick of his claws on his hips. Lou remained mostly human, but he was clearly at war with himself to keep his beastly side at bay. Lou fucked him wildly with heavy slams that only seemed to grow faster and faster, and Neil had never felt so completely owned by another person.

There were fleeting flashes of pain from the raw power in Lou’s thrusts, but Neil deleted the safe word from his brain. There was no way he wanted this to stop. The brief discomfort was a small price to pay for such ecstasy, and he wanted Lou to take him just like this, to make him his.

When Lou bit down on his shoulder, Neil sobbed, grateful for what would be a mark to show the world who he belonged to.

“Do you want my knot, baby?” Lou sounded more animal than man, hoarse and rumbling. “Do you want me to claim you?”

“Yes!” Neil whimpered. “Do it!”

Neil was distantly aware of something going on with Lou’s cock. It wasn’t hitting as deep as before even though Lou was railing the hell out of him, and he realized it was the knot keeping Lou from going in all the way now. It was firm, hot, and felt huge. As slick and soft as his asshole was, Neil had no idea if that damn thing was going to fit.

But he wanted it.

Fighting against Lou’s impossible hold, Neil slammed back on Lou’s cock. Lou’s surprised howl of pleasure was sweet, and Neil did it again. He struggled to push himself up on his elbows to gain more leverage, fucking himself on Lou’s cock like he was going to die without it.

He hadn’t fucked anyone like this in years—and no, he was not counting that time he broke the wall at the flower shop. Lou was real, hot, and better than any fantasy Neil had ever conjured up for himself. He wasn’t going to stop until he had every part of Lou inside of him.

Lou let Neil move, encouraging him with low grunts and a firm squeeze of his hip. “Mmm, there you go. Come on, baby. Come on. Take my fucking knot.”

“It’s mine. It’s fucking mine.” Neil gritted his teeth and fought against the fatigue in his muscles trying to slow him down. He pushed back harder, giving Lou everything he had until their bodies were colliding with enough force to hurt until there—the knot popped right in.

It was big, much bigger than Neil had first anticipated, and the sudden stretch caused his entire body to jerk. It throbbed, it burned, and then there was a sudden flood of come filling him up, and Neil’s vision blacked out until all he saw was a sea of stars. The swell of fluid inside him was overwhelming both in its temperature and volume, and Neil wanted every last blistering drop. He couldn’t breathe because his body remained frozen and all he could hear was Lou’s howl, muffled by the thump of his own pulse thundering in his ears.

When Neil could finally exhale, his breath came out as a staggered moan. The tension inside was too much, too perfect, and it was pressing right against the most beautiful places inside of him until he was coming too. The force of his release choked him up, and he was drifting off into the stars again with every sweet pulse.

Neil trembled, gasped, and he sagged into the sheets face-first as the tremors of release abandoned him far too soon. Moving tugged on the knot, and he groaned, quickly figuring out that he and Lou were now stuck together. “Oh fuck.”

Lou moved with him to ease the pull, settling against Neil’s back. He braced himself on his elbows to keep his full weight off of Neil and kissed his shoulder where he’d bitten him. “Mmm, baby.”

“Uh-huh.” Neil laughed giddily.

“Are you all right, baby?”

“I have no idea.” Neil laughed again. “But I have a much better question.”

“Hmm?”

“How soon can we do that again?”

CHAPTER NINE

As soon as my knot goes down if you’d like,” Lou replied. “Werewolves are known for our virility.”

“I am definitely going to need a snack and something to drink.” Neil reached back to stroke Lou’s hair. “Then I’m all over it.”

Lou kissed Neil’s wrist, chuckling. “Don’t worry. I’ll make sure you eat. You’ll need your strength.”

Neil’s body was singing from the intense exertion, and he stretched his legs with a happy grunt. “That was awesome.”

“You were amazing.” Lou nuzzled Neil’s shoulder. “I can’t believe you took my knot. Mm, you really are incredible, baby.”

“What? Your other dates couldn’t handle it?”

“I didn’t let my other dates know I had it.” Lou chuckled.

“Really?” Neil glanced back at him.

“I don’t date other monsters, and I can’t let humans know what I am.”

“And how do you hide that?” Neil shifted his hips to tug on the knot.

Lou grunted. “Very carefully.”

“Is that why you dine, dick, and dash? You can’t risk them figuring it out?”

“Yes.” Lou kissed Neil’s neck. “And… I’ve never had much interest in having a mate before.”

“No?”

“No.”

“I guess trying to hide the fact that you’re a werewolf would be kinda tricky,” Neil mused. “Why don’t you date other monsters? Wouldn’t that be easier?”

“It’s complicated.” Lou sighed, and his smile dimmed. “The few times I tried, it turned out they were much more interested in my position than me.”

“Because you’re in charge of a big monster mafia family?”

“In charge of part of one, but yes.” Lou smirked. “Being someone with power attracts those who seek it.”

“I just thought you were hot.”

“Thank you.” Lou barked out a laugh. “I appreciate that.”

Neil grinned. “Plus, you can be pretty nice when you’re not busy being a giant douche lord.”

“I should add that to my business cards.”

“You should.” Neil groaned as Lou pulled on the knot. It had finally shrunk enough that Lou could withdraw, and Neil shivered as Lou’s come gushed out of him. “Oh, my God.” He reached back to touch his hole, and he gasped when he felt how open he was. “Oh, my God.”

“Christ, Neil. Look at you.” Lou bowed his head, kissing Neil’s hip reverently. “Are you all right?”

“Uh-huh.” Neil could feel his body already trying to tighten back up, and he couldn’t resist pushing in two of his fingers to stroke the tender walls within. He felt absolutely ruined, and he grinned, teasing himself with a few lazy thrusts just because he could and it felt amazing. “So very all right.”

Lou spread Neil’s cheeks, murmuring, “God, I wanna fuck you again.”

“Food first,” Neil said, though he knew he could have probably been convinced otherwise. He withdrew his fingers. “Ah, and a towel.”

“Coming right up.” Lou squeezed Neil’s ass before he let go. He grabbed one of the towels Myrna had left them to slide under Neil’s butt to catch what felt like a waterfall of come. “One sec. Let me go get this one wet.”

“Ah, the customary post-coital Damp Towel?” Neil teased.

“Naturally. I’ll even warm up the water.” Lou picked up the other towel and left the bed to head into the bathroom, glancing back at Neil with a warm smile before he shut the door.

Neil rolled over onto his back with a groan and simply let himself feel. He was sore and exhausted, but there was a wonderful buzz humming under his skin from what had definitely been the best sex of his entire life. No one had ever made him come hands-free before, and he was definitely a big fan.

His skin was still warm where Lou had spanked him, and he touched his thighs to trace what may have been the outline of Lou’s fingers. His neck stung a bit more now that the rush of monster sex had faded, and he realized Lou had drawn a bit of blood.

Holy shit.

That was wild.

As hot as it had been to have Lou spank him in front of the other members of his monster family, he much preferred submitting of his own volition minus the audience. Trusting himself to Lou had been a new level of intimacy Neil had never known, and Lou’s desire to dominate him hinging on Neil’s consent was unbelievably sexy.

Just another kink to add to his ever growing list.

Lou returned with the post-coital Damp Towel, and he sat beside Neil on the bed. He wiped Neil’s stomach, his cock, and he was particularly gentle around his asshole. Just when Neil thought he was done, Lou surprised him by setting the towel aside and then massaging his thighs and hips.

“Mm, thank you,” Neil mumbled. “That feels nice.”

“I want to make sure you’re all right.” Lou rubbed over the marks he’d left behind. “I know sex with monsters can be… a lot.”

“Are all monsters this kinky or just you?”

Lou laughed. “Probably just me, but you never know. I enjoy being in charge. I like knowing someone trusts me enough to give me control over their body.”

“It’s pretty damn hot,” Neil agreed. “I… I liked it too. A lot. I liked you telling me what to do.”

“Really?” Lou grinned. “Because I think you liked being a brat and not doing what I told you to.”

“Being a brat got me spanked, and I apparently like being spanked, so, expect more of that.” Neil smiled slyly.

“I’m looking forward to it.” Lou kissed his hip adoringly. “It was nice… not to hold back for once. It takes a lot of effort to make sure I don’t risk exposing what I really am.”

“So…” Neil recalled Lou’s fur and the prick of his claws. “You’ve never let yourself wolf out before?”

“No.” Lou moved up to Neil’s chest. “I knew I didn’t have to hide from you.”

“But you still did. You didn’t go full wolf.”

“Maybe next time.” Lou winked.

“Does this mean we’re officially dating and not just fake dating?”

“I suppose it does.”

“You suppose?” Neil scoffed. “Come on. First human ever to take your huge ass werewolf knot? And I saved your ass at the restaurant.”

“Oh? I seem to recall saving you, baby.”

“I recall things differently.” Neil batted his lashes. “And you haven’t even bothered asking me out. It’s not really official unless you ask me.”

“Fine.” Lou snorted. “Othniel Ricci, will you please do me the honor of being my mate and going steady with me?”

“No.”

“What?”

“We haven’t even been on a date yet. Those asshole monsters ruined this one.” Neil smiled sweetly. “I’m not saying yes and updating my social media statuses until I’ve gotten dinner with cloth napkins.”

“Then cloth napkins you shall have.” Lou kissed him.

Neil melted, and he cradled the side of Lou’s face.

Wow.

He had an almost-official werewolf boyfriend.

Lou had continued to massage Neil, but he paused when he felt the bite mark. He pulled back with a frown. “Shit.”

“What? I said I was okay—” Neil’s eyes widened as a sliver of panic crept up his spine. He did not like the look on Lou’s face at all, and terror seized him. “Oh no.” He bolted up, grabbing his shoulder. His heart rate skyrocketed, and he snapped, “You’re a damn werewolf! You bit me!”

“I’m sorry—”

“Am I gonna turn now?” Neil demanded shrilly. “Am I gonna be a fucking werewolf?”

“What? No!” Lou grabbed Neil’s arms. “Hey, hey, no. Nothing like that, I promise. You can’t become a werewolf. It doesn’t work that way!”

“Oh… well…” Neil’s pulse was still thudding away at heart attack inducing levels. “Why did you say shit like that then?”

“I didn’t mean to leave such a big bite.” Lou grinned sheepishly. “That’s all.”

“You scared the fuck out of me!” Neil punched Lou’s arm. “Douche!”

Lou laughed. “I said I was sorry!”

“I thought I was gonna turn into a werewolf!” Neil groaned. “Can we please get food now?”

“Of course, baby.”

Lou helped Neil put on a pair of new silk pajama pants, choosing to wear just boxers for himself, and he led Neil by the hand to the kitchen. Neil hovered close as Lou opened the fridge, and he was surprised to see it was fully stocked. Lou grabbed bell peppers, tomatoes, and a dozen eggs, then headed over to the stove.

Neil helped himself to some juice while Lou got a frying pan from a big rack overhead, asking, “So, uh, as much as I would love to keep talking about the very awesome sex we just had and how much I like being spanked…”

“What is it?” Lou turned the heat on for the pan.

“The monsters at the restaurant.” Neil looked around expectantly.

“Cups are up there.” Lou nodded to a cabinet.

“Thanks.” Neil found a cup so he could pour the juice. “But about those monsters. Do they normally do that?”

“Attack in the open like absolute idiots? No.” Lou sighed, lining up the vegetables on a cutting board to chop up. He cut them into small chunks, continuing, “I’m afraid the situation may be more dire than I thought.”

“And what situation is that?”

“We do not allow the ribelli to live in the city. If they don’t bend the knee to the family, they’re gone.” Lou chopped more aggressively. “Lately, however, there have been rumors of previously exiled monsters sneaking back in. Tonight wasn’t merely an attempt to steal the Reliquary. It was to show us their numbers. They’re planning to be… difficult.”

“Pretty sure Flanders roasted most of them and the rest ended up as royal snick-snacks.”

“Yes, but I’m sure there’s more.” Lou dumped the vegetables into a bowl and cracked the eggs next. “When I go to work tomorrow, I need you to come with me. I have to settle a real estate dispute, nothing too serious, but you have to promise me you’ll remain silent. You’re only there as—”

“Your trophy mate.” Neil slurped his juice loudly. “Got it.”

“Hey, you know you’re more than that to me.” Lou frowned. “I care about you, baby. This is to keep you safe.”

“Yeah, and the Reliquary.” Neil jingled the bracelet.

“The Reliquary is what makes you a target.”

“You have any bright ideas about how to get this thing back yet? Maybe save some spiders? Pull a kitten out of a tree?”

“I’m hoping Buffy will change her mind,” Lou said honestly as he stirred the contents of the bowl. “I’ve always been good to the spirits in the Reliquary, and they know why I need them so much.”

Neil remembered what Izba had told him about the plague, but he didn’t push. Instead, he asked the obvious question digging at his brain. “But what if she doesn’t?”

“I am confident that she’ll come around tomorrow.” Lou poured half the egg mixture into the frying pan.

“Is that real estate dispute really that exciting?”

“No, but we also have to stop by the ward. You’re going to see things that are… difficult. But you’ll need to summon Sawbones for me.”

“Wait, and who is that again?”

“A spirit. He’s a surgeon.”

“Is someone… sick?”

Lou poked at the pan with a spatula, replying quietly, “Yes. There is a plague, but it’s only affecting weres. It’s magical in nature, and only Sawbones can make the cure.”

“With the cereus?” Neil guessed.

“Yes.” Lou scowled. “My brothers don’t know, and I have no intention of them finding out about it. We’ve lost a lot of people, and the one advantage I’ve always had over my dear siblings is that there were more of us than them. That’s nearly gone now.”

“Us? As in werewolves?” Neil wasn’t sure if Lou was the kind of chef who liked to be bothered while he cooked, but he hated to see him upset. He came close, rubbing Lou’s back gently.

Lou kissed the top of Neil’s head. “All weres. Werewolves, weretigers, werepanthers.”

“Werechihuahuas?” Neil joked.

“Them too.”

Neil had made that remark hoping to lighten the mood, but now he was paranoid that every single chihuahua he’d ever encountered might have been a monster in disguise.

“This particular species of cereus buds on a full moon and will blossom for one night during the first breath of a waning gibbous. That’s two nights after the full moon.” Lou expertly flipped the omelet. “Tomorrow.”

“Okie dokie.” Neil kissed Lou’s shoulder. “So, you give the flower to Sawbones, he makes the cure, and everybody will be okay?”

“Yes.” Lou hesitated.

“I’m sensing a but.”

“But I’m worried because this plague keeps coming back. As if someone is intentionally targeting the weres. I used to have two cereus cacti of my own, and I have called on Sawbones twice now to make the cure. The entire plant is consumed in the process, which is why I called your uncle to help me find more.”

“Like the one at the shop.”

“You got it, baby.” Lou slid the omelet off onto a plate. He poured the rest of the egg mixture into the pan. “He said he’d keep an eye out for me on his next trip.”

“Let me guess.” Neil frowned. “People started getting sick again even after they were cured?”

“Worse. They died. They never got better because the cure didn’t work last time. Something was wrong with the cereus.”

“Fuck.”

“Fuck is right.”

Neil wasn’t sure what to say now, and he fell silent for a few minutes as he watched Lou cook. Finally, right as Lou was plating the second omelet, he said, “I’m sorry.”

“What?” Lou glanced up.

“I’m sorry. That people died.”

“It’s all right.” Lou smiled, but it was sad. “The best thing we can do now is save as many as we can.” He headed back to the fridge to spoon some thick salsa along the side of each plate. He handed one of them to Neil with a fork. “Here. Go eat up, baby.”

“Don’t have to tell me twice.”

“Hope you like it.” Lou turned off the stove and started tidying up.

Neil thought he heard a footstep behind him, but he was much more interested in the delicious omelet in front of him.

Lou snorted. “Myrna, I can hear you lurking.”

Myrna’s head popped up from around the corner, and she grinned sheepishly. “Hi! Sorry to interrupt, but I… I…” She stared longingly at the dirty dishes.

“Do you want to clean?” Lou asked with a knowing smile.

“Yes, please!” Myrna practically bolted forward to take over, beaming as she got all the dishes into the sink so she could scrub the counter. “I already changed the linens in your bed and put your soiled things in the laundry.”

“You really like cleaning that much?” Neil asked in amazement. “Like, seriously?”

“I do.” Myrna cringed bashfully. “I absolutely love it. There is something endlessly soothing about it. Putting things away in their rightful little place, making sure everything is all spotless and shiny.” She sighed, her scrubbing growing more fierce as she spoke. “You know, sometimes the very sight of dust angers me until I want to hit something so very hard and tear it into tiny pieces so I can make it perfect...” She paused. “I wonder if I’m unwell.”

“You’re amazing, Myrna.” Lou smiled warmly. “You clean all you want.”

“Aw, thank you!” Myrna perked up again. “You boys go have fun! Enjoy the rest of your date!”

Lou grabbed his plate and Neil’s shoulder, steering him toward the living room.

“Okay, one, this smells amazing.” Neil nodded at the food. “Two, what the fuck was that about?”

“Just let her clean,” Lou said mysteriously. “Trust me.”

“Right.” Neil wanted to ask more questions, but he was much more interested in the omelet. He took a big bite and promptly moaned.

“So, tomorrow. We’ll eat breakfast, you’ll come with me to work—”

Neil moaned again.

“—and then we’ll head to the ward as soon as the sun goes down.”

Neil nodded, but he didn’t speak because he was too busy scarfing the food down. He was positive Lou had made this salsa himself, and it along with the omelet was absolutely delicious.

Lou snorted, watching Neil devour the food. “We can try to go to dinner again if you’d like.”

Neil nodded some more.

“Or maybe we’ll stay at home.” Lou cracked a little smile. “Since you like my cooking so much.”

“Uh-uh,” Neil managed in between bites. He didn’t stop until his plate was clean, and he moaned one final time. “I still want my cloth napkins, but that was incredible.”

“Thank you.” Lou kissed Neil’s forehead. “Do you want another one?”

“No, but thanks. I’m good.” Neil definitely eyed what was left on Lou’s plate, but he leaned forward to set his fork down.

Out of nowhere, Myrna popped up to snatch the plate and fork. She grinned and then vanished along with the dishes.

Neil blinked.

“Just let her clean,” Lou said as he finished eating. His dishes disappeared before his fork even touched the plate.

Right.

Nothing weird about that.

“There is something you’re not telling me,” Neil said slowly.

“The spirits of the Reliquary have many secrets.” Lou waved his hand through the air.

“Like what? If we don’t let Myrna clean, she’ll stab us?”

“Ready for bed?”

“You didn’t answer the question.” Neil snorted. “And do you mean ready for bed like we’re going to sleep, or ready for bed as in ready for more dick?”

“That’s up to you, baby.” Lou draped his arm over Neil’s shoulders, bringing him in for a kiss. “I don’t want you to feel pressured if you’re not in the mood. Weres tend to have a much higher libido than humans.”

Neil thought about Lou’s huge knot stretching out his asshole, and he was instantly hard. “I don’t think that’s gonna be a problem right now.”

“Oh. So I see.” Lou grinned slyly, sliding his hand up Neil’s thigh.

Neil’s pulse quickened as Lou bowed his head for a kiss, and he eagerly dragged his fingers through Lou’s long hair. He loved it being down like this, raking his nails over Lou’s scalp as they kissed. It was sweeter this time, without the earlier sense of urgency, and Neil let himself get lost in Lou’s slow kisses.

Lou grabbed Neil’s hip, pulling him into his lap with a playful growl.

Neil could feel Lou’s cock hardening beneath him, and he couldn’t resist grinding down a little. He arched against Lou’s chest, groping his pec as he slid his tongue into Lou’s mouth. The kiss was deeper now, but still slow and patient, as if they had all the time in the world.

In that moment, it certainly felt like they did.

Neil wasn’t worried about getting rid of his possessed bracelet or the dangers of being targeted by crazy monsters. The only thing that mattered was the hot slide of Lou’s mouth and the promise of that hard cock fucking him into oblivion again.

Lou swept Neil up into his arms, and Neil’s cock twitched.

God, that was hot.

Neil hugged Lou’s neck as he carried him off to the bedroom, and the kiss was getting more heated. Neil was horny as hell. He wanted Lou back inside of him and to ruin him all over again. As Lou laid him down in the freshly made bed, Neil scrambled to think of how he could get Lou really riled up.

And then he knew.

“Go on,” Neil whispered against Lou’s lips. “Tell me what to do.”

The change in Lou was immediate. His posture straightened, his muscles tensed, and he made a small sound that was a mix of a purr and growl deep in his throat. His eyes were nearly black as he looked over Neil, and he murmured, “Safe word?”

“Marzipan,” Neil repeated because he couldn’t think of anything else.

Lou kissed him firmly. “Good boy. Now… take off your clothes.”

“Yes, sir.” Neil easily wiggled out of the pajama pants and beamed expectantly up at Lou.

Lou’s hungry gaze moved from one end of Neil’s body to the other, and he ran his long tongue over his lips. He settled against the headboard, right in the middle, and he tucked his arms up behind his head. “Take off mine, please.”

Neil rolled to his knees, shuffling over to grab Lou’s boxers. He pulled them down and off, savoring the quick reveal of flesh. He didn’t think he’d ever get tired of seeing Lou naked, and the sight of his thick cock made him drool.

He didn’t miss a familiar hand sliding fresh towels onto the edge of the bed, but he was going to ignore the thoughtful ghost and keep staring at that big, beautiful dick.

“Come here, baby.” Lou beckoned Neil over with a wag of his finger.

Neil crawled forward, and he groaned as Lou grabbed his throat. It was enough pressure to make his breath catch, and heat flooded his already scorching loins.

Lou drew him closer until he was close enough to press a deep kiss to his lips. “Now… you’re going to suck my cock until I come. You’re going to learn how to milk my knot, swallow my load, and then you’re going to ride me. Do you understand?”

“Yes.” Neil melted.

“Yes, what?”

“Yes, Daddy? Sir? Master?” Neil arched into Lou’s hand to make himself gasp. “What do you want me to say?”

“Sir,” Lou purred.

“Yes, sir.”

“Good boy.” Lou pushed Neil’s head down.

Neil grabbed the base of Lou’s cock and immediately licked up the shaft. He loved the heat, the taste, and he breathed in the musky scent that was so perfectly Lou. It reminded him of a forest at night, mysterious and earthy, and he wanted to bottle it up to keep forever.

He licked around Lou’s cock until it was wet with his spit, and then he finally sucked the juicy head into his mouth. The precome flowed like a rich syrup and tasted almost as sweet, almost like honey. As he sucked, more gushed out and he eagerly swallowed it down.

Neil took on a few more inches, Lou’s spit-slick cock effortlessly sliding deeper. He bobbed his head slowly as he tried to adjust to the huge girth. It had been a long time since Neil had flexed these particular muscles, but he was determined to push himself.

Lou had absolutely rocked his world earlier and he wanted to return the favor.

He swirled his tongue around the head of Lou’s dick as he withdrew, but then he surged forward to take him to the back of his throat. Over and over, he sucked and worked his tongue over every delicious inch, and he loved the sounds Lou was making.

Grunts, gasping growls, deep sighs—it was like music.

Neil picked up the pace, bobbing his head faster as he struggled to take Lou deeper. He shifted forward so he had a better position to work from, and he groaned as Lou’s cock finally slipped into his throat.

Lou gasped.

Neil didn’t usually like eye contact when he was sucking someone’s dick, but he had to see Lou’s face.

Lou’s brow was pinched, his lips parted, and his eyes were glazed over with a fine veneer of lust. His sharp teeth were shining in the low light of the lamp, and the hair on his chest was growing thicker as he gave himself over to his transformation. He didn’t shift all the way, but it was still thrilling to know Neil was the one waking the beast up in him.

“My knot,” Lou said hoarsely. “Grab it. You’re going to squeeze it as hard as you can when I come.”

Neil looked back down where he was holding the base of Lou’s dick. It was hard to see given his current activity, but he could feel the knot forming beneath his hand. It was spongy at first, but it quickly grew in size and firmness as Neil forced Lou’s cock deeper into his throat. His eyes watered, drool dripped down his chin and mixed with the gushing precome he hadn’t been able to swallow, and he was so hard that he thought his dick was going to tear a hole in the covers.

It was definitely the sloppiest and by far the hottest blowjob he’d ever given, and he marveled as the knot continued to grow. His jaw hurt, his cheeks were tired, but he didn’t dare stop now. He was too damn close to making Lou come, and he wanted his load to coat his entire tongue and throat now.

“Look at me,” Lou commanded.

Neil hesitated.

Lou grabbed his hair. “Look at me, baby.”

Whining, Neil blinked through his tears to glance up at Lou and meet his gaze.

“There’s my good boy,” Lou praised breathlessly. “Squeeze my knot, baby. I’m close. I’m so fuckin’ close. Come on!”

Neil curled his fingers around the bottom of the knot and tightened his grip.

Lou howled, thrusting up into Neil’s throat as he came almost instantly. He used his grip on Neil’s hair to hold him in place as he fucked his mouth, delivering his come with a primal roar of pleasure.

Neil couldn’t possibly swallow it all. It was simply too much, and he had to let some spill out from his lips. His face was scalding hot from being used so roughly, and he was so caught up in that moment that he never looked away from Lou throughout his entire climax. As surely as he wanted to memorize the pulse of Lou’s knot in his hand, he wanted to remember the way Lou was staring at him right now.

Ravenous, adoring—as if Neil was the most beautiful man in the entire universe and he knew he’d never experience such heavenly bliss again without Neil’s touch.

Neil kept squeezing around the knot as he tried to catch up on swallowing, and he gasped when Lou suddenly pulled him off. He barely had time to wipe off his mouth before Lou had dragged him up into his lap to crash their mouths together in a passionate kiss.

His mouth felt weirdly numb, as if all the muscles in his face had reached peak exhaustion, but he did his best to kiss back just as enthusiastically. The kiss tasted like sweat and come, and Neil whimpered as Lou’s tongue slid against his own, chasing the taste of himself.

“You were a very, very good boy,” Lou growled. “I want you to ride me now. Open yourself up on my cock. Can you do that, baby?”

“Yes, sir.” Neil lifted his hips to grab Lou’s cock, stroking him eagerly. Lou was already hard again and precome bubbled over Neil’s fingers, giving him all the lube he needed.

He rubbed the slick head of Lou’s cock against his hole, shivering at how tender he was. He moaned as it slipped back inside, and he rolled his hips in short bursts to take on more. His body easily opened back up around Lou’s cock, and he moved his hand once he was confident it wouldn’t slip out.

Neil sat up straight and grinded back until Lou was fully seated inside of him, and his insides throbbed to be so gloriously full again. Lou felt even bigger like this, and Neil took a deep breath, savoring the heavy sensation. He touched his stomach, shifted forward, and he swore he could feel Lou’s cock there.

“Go on,” Lou said firmly as his hands settled on Neil’s hips. “Ride my cock, baby.”

The order woke up something in Neil, and he jerked his ass down, slamming onto Lou’s cock. The pleasure was instant, explosive, and he wanted more. He had never considered himself to be submissive, but there was a thrill in being under the command of a beautiful werewolf.

It was hot, instantly addictive, and Neil was struck by the singular desire to please Lou. He wanted to make him howl, to see him fall apart beneath him, and he rode his cock with all of his strength. He slammed his ass up and down, back and forth, and then he sat fully speared upon it and circled his hips until Lou was growling breathlessly.

Lou’s fingers had turned into claws, and his chest and hips were bulging as a coating of thick fur erupted over his skin. It was incredible to watch, as was the added bliss of his cock swelling inside of Neil.

Neil groaned, clutching his stomach as he continued to grind. The knot was thickening up beneath him, and he tried to push himself down on it to no avail. His traitorous thighs were giving out and he was forced to slow down, moaning brokenly in frustration. He wanted it, he wanted to come, he wanted Lou’s knot so fucking bad—

Lou spanked his ass. “Come on, baby. Keep going.”

The sting urged Neil’s hips into action, but he was only able to keep the new momentum going for a few seconds. His legs were failing him once more, and he grunted in annoyance. “I’m trying. Mmm, sir, I’m trying so hard—”

Lou surged forward with a ferocious snarl, flipping Neil onto his back in one fluid leap. He pinned Neil against the mattress and slammed into him, his voice barely human as he growled, “You’re going to take my knot. Fucking take it!”

“Yes! Yes, sir! F-fuck!” Neil was totally trapped, helpless to do anything but let Lou fuck him until his brain turned off. The slick friction was amazing, and the sheer weight of Lou’s big cock pounding into him made his hips jerk with every thrust. He gritted his teeth, shouting as the knot forced its way inside and his ass was flooded with a scorching load. “God! Yes!”

Lou kept thrusting though the knot kept him from pulling out, howling in triumph. He bit down on Neil’s shoulder, grunting as he pushed as deep inside of him as he could while his cock continued to pulse.

Neil writhed, his insides stuffed tight until they throbbed, and his own end was right there. He shifted his hips and spread his legs, chasing that delicious pressure from the huge knot stretching him open until he was finally coming. His head swam from the rush, his body taking over and convulsing as he came, his come shooting across his chest. “H-holy shit! Yes, yes, yes!”

Lou growled appreciatively, lapping at Neil’s shoulder and nuzzling the bite.

Neil reached up to grab Lou’s hair, dragging him in for a much needed kiss. His muscles were tingling, springy and light, as if they had been transformed into noodles, and he couldn’t stop smiling. His legs continued to shake, his thighs were goop, and his pulse thudded heavily between his legs, especially where his hole was still stretched around Lou’s knot.

“You are such a very, very good boy…” Lou murmured.

“Hey, you too.” Neil laughed.

Lou smiled. “You truly are amazing, baby.”

Neil’s heart fluttered away, and he grinned. “Thanks. You’re not too shabby either.”

“I love making you come.” Lou kissed him. “You’re so fucking sexy when you give it up for me…”

“Make me some more food and I’ll give you whatever you want,” Neil promised. “Because damn. I’m pretty sure I could be persuaded—”

“I’ll cook anything you’d like if I can fuck you again.”

“Don’t threaten me with a good time. Especially with food.”

“Oh, it’s not a threat, baby. It’s a promise.”

CHAPTER TEN

After enjoying pancakes and being ravaged for a third time, Neil finally passed out. He was exhausted but happy, and he dozed off to Lou’s strong hands massaging his back and his soft lips kissing his shoulder. He woke up the next morning in Lou’s arms with his hard cock grinding against his ass like it had the day before.

This time, however, he did something about it.

He rolled his hips back until Lou stirred, and Neil gasped when Lou reached down to grab his cock.

“Good morning,” Lou rumbled in his ear.

“Morning.” Neil grinned.

Lou slid his cock between Neil’s cheeks, thrusting slowly. It was already leaking its thick precome, and the slick slide felt fantastic against Neil’s asshole. Lou continued to thrust lazily, mouthing over Neil’s shoulder.

Neil pushed into Lou’s hand and then back on Lou’s dick, loving how wet he felt. “God, you’re making a mess out of me…”

“I’m just getting started,” Lou promised.

Neil groaned as Lou’s cock finally caught on his hole. The slightest tilt of Lou’s hips applied more pressure until the fat head slipped in, and Neil sighed happily. The stretch was slow, staggeringly hot, and he welcomed every thick inch into his body with steady rolls of his hips.

Lou fucked him sweetly until his knot swelled, and he pushed it deep inside of Neil as he came. The flood of come was outrageous, and Neil savored the overly full sensation as Lou feverishly pumped his cock. Neil moaned Lou’s name as he climaxed, still speared on Lou’s knot and clenching around it like a vise.

They held each other close, both of them trying to catch their breath as Lou peppered more kisses along Neil’s neck and shoulder. Neil could have drifted back to sleep after getting fucked like that, but Lou dragged him into the shower as soon as his knot went down.

After they were both dressed in fresh suits, Myrna came around with mugs full of steaming chai. She had the smuggest little smile on her face, and Neil was reminded that she and the others in the Reliquary had been witnesses to everything that happened last night.

And this morning.

And the groping in the shower.

Shit.

Neil tried to drown his embarrassment in his mug, slurping noisily and hoping Myrna wouldn’t say anything.

“So!” Myrna chirped. “Busy day today?”

“Very busy,” Lou confirmed. “I have to handle some real estate disputes. It’s going to be a long day.”

“And then the ward, yes?”

“Yes.” Lou sipped his chai. “Mmm, this is delicious. Did you do something different?”

Myrna laughed. “No! The same as always.”

“Hmm. I think you did something. It tastes better every single time I have it.”

Myrna shooed at Lou. “Oh, go on, you! You two have a very busy day, remember?”

“So busy,” Neil echoed. “Doing weird monster stuff I barely understand.”

Lou kissed his cheek. “Your only job is to sit back, look pretty, and not say a word.”

Neil rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I got it. Trophy mate.”

“What you’re going to see may be difficult.” Lou’s brow wrinkled. “You have to understand that it’s not easy to run an entire territory, especially the one with the most monsters.”

“Terrestrial monsters are rather populous,” Myrna added, ever so helpful. “The monsters from the other realms aren’t as common. Lou has one of the most important jobs in the family.”

“And one of the biggest ulcers,” Lou teased. “We’ll head to my office first. Michel and Roland will meet us there.”

“Okie dokie,” Neil said. “Anything I need to be worried about?”

“You’re not bothered by the sight of blood, are you?”

“I mean, it’s not my favorite thing, but… Wait, why?”

“Best to keep your eyes closed then.”

Neil wasn’t sure what Lou meant by that, but he didn’t think he was joking either.

They drove to an old warehouse on the edge of town, and it was more rust than metal. Several of the windows were broken or boarded over, and Neil found it hard to believe this was Lou’s office. The interior was just as dismal with giant busted machines and rotted out conveyor belts. It had been a factory once, though Neil couldn’t even hazard a guess as to what had been made here.

Standing against one of the big machines was Michel, and Neil didn’t miss how he sniffed the air at their approach. Roland was there too, and he offered a smile and a friendly wave. There was a large black duffel bag at his feet, packed full of who knew what.

“You brought your mate?” Michel asked warily.

“Of course,” Lou said. “He knows what I do. We don’t have any secrets.”

Neil smiled and batted his eyes since that’s what he was supposed to do, but he really didn’t have any idea what Lou did. Being in charge of a monster mafia family sounded vaguely criminal, but he didn’t know the specifics. He supposed he was about to get a crash course and hoped he had the stomach for it.

“We already got your first meeting all lined up.” Michel nodded at the duffel bag.

“Be right with you, baby.” Lou took Neil’s hand to kiss it. “Go stand over there and look pretty for me.”

“Sure thing, snookums.” Neil stepped toward some wooden crates that looked safe enough to sit on and took a seat. He cleared his throat, saying quietly, “Myrna?”

“Right here!” Myrna whispered as she appeared beside him.

Neil watched as Roland kneeled to unzip the duffel bag. “What exactly am I in for here?”

“Oh, uh, well.” Myrna fussed with her apron. “It might get messy.”

Roland reached into the duffel bag and pulled out a person. It was an old man, dirty and beaten, and the only sign he was alive were his rolling eyes. He dropped the old man on the ground, saying, “I wanted to make sure Mr. Cabrini wasn’t late for his appointment with us.”

“Thank you. I do appreciate punctuality,” Lou said curtly, drawing his shoulders back with a scowl.

Neil was alarmed by how Lou’s entire demeanor had changed in only a few seconds. Lou was standing taller, his face fixed in a vicious sneer, and there was an air of hostility about him Neil hadn’t seen before.

In all honesty, it was terrifying.

Okay, yes, and a little hot.

“Mr. Cabrini,” Lou rumbled, “I believe we’ve had a misunderstanding about what areas you’re allowed to operate in.”

Mr. Cabrini gurgled as he struggled to sit up. He coughed, staring helplessly up at Lou and the others. “Wh-what? I… I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about! I haven’t crossed Fifth Street! I swear!”

“Really?” Lou pursed his lips. “I don’t like liars, Mr. Cabrini. I really don’t.” He nodded to Roland.

Roland exchanged a smirk with Michel, and they heaved Mr. Cabrini up to his feet. They each kept a hold of his arm, as it was clear Mr. Cabrini couldn’t stand on his own.

“I have it on good authority that you’ve been as far south as Glenwood Avenue, and that simply will not do.” Lou reached into his jacket and then pointed a gun at Mr. Cabrini’s head.

Neil tensed.

“Don’t worry,” Myrna said quietly. “I don’t think he’s actually going to shoot him.”

“You don’t think so?” Neil mumbled back.

Mr. Cabrini certainly disagreed. He screamed and blubbered, pleading, “Okay, okay! I’m sorry! I was! I did it, okay? It’s the Smiths! They’re pushing me to keep getting new product out, and I’m—”

Lou pressed the gun to Mr. Cabrini’s forehead. “Who? I need a name.”

“John Smith!” Mr. Cabrini sobbed. “Look, I know, I know it sounds fake as fuck, but I swear it’s him. He’s a real jackass, okay? But he’s the one behind it all! It’s this new synthetic opioid that everybody is goin’ nuts for! It’s—”

“It’s not allowed south of Fifth Street.” Lou pushed the gun harder, forcing Mr. Cabrini’s head back. “Do you understand me?”

“Y-yes, sir! Loud and clear!”

“Tell John Smith if he doesn’t stop trying to pollute my streets, he’s going to end up in a bag just like you. Except he’ll be in pieces.”

“Yes, sir!” Mr. Cabrini sniffed.

Lou withdrew his gun, glancing over Mr. Cabrini with a disgusted leer. “Go, Mr. Cabrini.”

Michel and Roland let go of Mr. Cabrini. He teetered, but he was able to stand on his own. He blinked owlishly, asking, “I… I can really go?”

“Quickly,” Lou said. “Before I change my mind.”

Mr. Cabrini squealed and took off. He ran to the wrong side of the building where there was no exit. He squealed again, turned around, and then ran back by them as he fled to the exit and finally left.

“John Smith?” Roland said with a scoff. “Really?”

“I’ll ask around,” Michel said. “See what I can find out. I do know there are a bunch of Smiths working the city right now. One of them works for some kinda pharmaceutical joint. It could be Cabrini’s telling the truth.”

“Let me know,” Lou said. “If they’re responsible for distributing a new drug in Somerstown, they’re going to answer for it.”

“Business tax?” Roland snorted.

“A severe one.” Lou looked thoughtful. “This drug, the new opioid. Any weres on it?”

“No, no monsters at all,” Michel said. “Only humans so far.”

“Still. I don’t like it. No one gets to make that kind of money without paying their taxes.” Lou smirked. “Let me know when you’ve found this John Smith.”

“Will do, boss.”

Neil was dying to ask questions, but he knew he was meant to be a fly on the wall here. He looked at Myrna, trying to gesture for more information, but she looked confused.

“What?” she asked.

“Ahem,” Neil said, trying to keep his voice down. He nodded toward Lou.

“What about Lou?” Myrna frowned.

Neil waved vaguely.

“Is this about the sex? I think you two got on very well by the sound of it—”

“Christ,” Neil groaned.

Michel and Roland both stopped talking and stared at Neil.

Neil hadn’t realized he’d been that loud, and he grinned sheepishly. “Uh… is the Lord? You know, for some people. Not all people.”

Lou glared and put his finger to his lips.

“Sheesh. Yes. Shutting up now.” Neil glanced at Myrna, whispering, “No, what’s going on with the guy?”

“The man who was in the bag?” Myrna’s eyes widened. “Oh! Yes!”

Neil nodded.

“There are areas of the city where certain illegal activities are forbidden. Lou and the family like to keep these places clean.” Myrna wagged her fingers in little air quotes. “It fortifies their relationship with the police and allows them to better control the naughty things people are up to, both monster and human. Mr. Cabrini was caught selling drugs where he wasn’t supposed to be, and the people supplying him have not paid their taxes.” She used air quotes again. “They must pay the family a certain percentage to continue operating in Somerstown. Petty crimes are often overlooked, but this Smith family is certainly getting a bit too big for their britches!”

Neil gave her a thumbs-up.

Lou, who could of course hear everything, sighed. He’d been trying to listen to Roland but clearly hadn’t heard what he said because he asked, “Say that one more time?”

“Your other appointment is ready,” Roland said. “We got him right here.”

“Go ahead.”

Michel reached into his pocket and pulled out a small box. He opened it and then gave it a shake.

Out of the box came a tiny green creature, but it rapidly grew in size until it was nearly as big as Neil. The creature appeared to be male with pale green skin, a long tail, and short brown horns sprouting out from his curly emerald hair. His upper half appeared human enough, but his legs were twisted and strange. The closest thing Neil could compare his odd limbs to would be a green kangaroo.

The creature had on a loincloth and the rest of his lithe figure was bare except for golden cuffs on his arms. He was pretty in a strange pixie sort of way, though Neil had zero clue what kind of monster he was.

“Oh.” The creature grinned sheepishly. “Hello, Mr. Mostro! Fancy meeting you here.”

“Hello, Zayn,” Lou said in what Neil was coming to think of as his business voice. It was stern, growly, and unbelievably sexy. “We need to have a little chat.”

“Why didn’t you just call me?” Zayn rose up on his odd legs, batting his eyes up at Lou. “Trapping me in a box? Really? Was that necessary?”

“Yes,” Roland grumbled. “You tried to stab me and ran.”

“Maybe I was flirting with you.”

“Zayn.” Lou growled. “Tell me right now what you know about the plague.”

“Plague?” Zayn blinked innocently. “What plague?”

Lou snatched Zayn’s throat and squeezed. “Do not fuck with me. I will trap you back in that box and bury you under the condos they’re building over by the river. How long do you think it would take someone to find you, huh?”

Zayn whined and his tail lashed wildly. “Okay!” he wheezed. “Fine!”

Lou didn’t let go, but he released enough pressure so that Zayn could speak.

“I heard about it at Loch and Key,” Zayn said quickly. “Some monster said it took them three hours to get seen for some kind of butt leakage. Their words, not mine. And this other guy said it’s because of all the plague, that weres are dropping left and right, and the hospital is packed day and night now.” He gasped when Lou tightened his grip again. “I swear, that’s the truth!”

“Who was talking about it?” Lou demanded, his shoulders and spine crunching loudly as his transformation took over. The seams of his jacket stretched and black hair sprouted over his face. He bared his sharp teeth in a furious snarl, roaring, “Who?”

“I don’t know!” Zayn wiggled miserably. “Butt Leakage guy was a troll. The other guy was some kind of were. Don’t ask me which one because you all smell the damn same to me.”

“And why did you start asking around about it?”

“I have friends that are weres! I wanted to know what was going on!” Zayn’s tail smacked against the ground. “No one at the club seemed to know anything, and Mr. Butt Leakage was useless. I tried finding the were to ask him, but he was gone.”

“What did he look like?”

“I don’t know!”

“Answer the question or you’re going back in the box,” Michel warned.

“Fine! He looked like you, except you’re clearly a much bigger asshole,” Zayn cooed sweetly. He laughed, but it was cut off as a high squeak when Lou choked him again. “I don’t know! The club was dark! I only saw him for a minute!”

Lou finally let him go. He shrunk back down to his normal size and his fur receded.

Zayn teetered back a few steps, trying to catch his breath and rubbing his throat. “Is it true?”

“Is what true?” Lou demanded.

Zayn frowned. “Are monsters really getting sick?”

“No,” Lou said flatly.

Neil knew that was a lie, of course.

“I would appreciate it if you stopped sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong and worrying everyone over nothing,” Lou continued. “I would hate to have to silence you permanently.”

Zayn gulped. “Message received, Mr. Mostro.”

Lou hesitated. “What did you find out?”

“What?”

“About this rumor of a plague. Did you find out anything?”

Zayn’s brow wrinkled. “Only that the ribelli are behind it. A camazotz over at the Salted Scale said they’ve heard whispers that the ribelli are trying to make a move against the family. They cooked up this plague to weaken the family’s numbers.”

Roland scowled.

“Thank you, Zayn,” Lou said briskly. “I appreciate your assistance.”

“Yeah. Sure.” Zayn swished his tail. “Have your guys kidnap me and trap me in a box anytime. It was great.”

“Goodbye now.” Lou crossed his arms. “And remember. Not a word.”

“Nope, not a peep.” Zayn glanced around and then vanished in a plume of green smoke.

Neil tried not to be too impressed, but he was still getting used to magical monster stuff.

“Do we have any updates about the ribelli?” Lou pinched the bridge of his nose. “If they really are behind this, we need to crush them. Immediately.”

“No,” Michel replied. “There hasn’t been anything since last night’s attack. We tried sniffing them out from the restaurant, but we lost their scents after a few blocks. They’re definitely using magic to teleport around.”

“Look again. There has to be something we’re missing.”

“What more do you want us to do, boss?” Roland frowned. “We’ve searched the whole damn city. Everybody is looking. Fae, naga, demon. We all want the ribelli gone, but—”

“Then look again,” Lou barked.

Roland cowered. “Yes, boss.”

“We can check the tracks again. Maybe the river too.” Michel stood up tall. “I’ll lead the search myself.”

“Good. Thank you.” Lou glanced at Neil, but he addressed Michel and Roland when he said, “Let all of our people know to be on the lookout for any kind of suspicious activity. The ribelli are close. They might even be infiltrating our ranks. And if there’s even a fucking whiff of Cabrini, that drug peddling bastard, or any of the Smiths in our territory again, I want to know.”

“Yes, boss,” Michel and Roland dutifully replied.

“We have enough problems to worry about. I’m not going to waste time trying to play nice and negotiate with human trash. They do it again, they’re all dead.”

Neil gulped.

It was definitely hotter in here than it was before. Hearing Lou threatening to kill people should not have been as arousing as it was, but Neil had also recently discovered he was turned on by some freaky stuff.

So, maybe it wasn’t that weird after all.

“Meet me at the ward after sunset,” Lou said briskly. “Make sure everything is ready.”

“You want us to take the cereus over there?” Michel asked.

“No.” Lou shook his head. “I’ll bring it later.”

“You don’t have it with you now?” Roland blinked. “I thought—”

“No,” Lou cut in harshly. “After the last time, I am not taking any chances. I’m not moving the damn thing until it’s absolutely necessary.”

“Got it.” Roland cleared his throat. “Totally right, boss. That’s a good idea. This is why you’re in charge—”

“Shut up.” Michel rolled his eyes. “Let’s get to work.”

“Keep me posted on the search.” Lou turned back to Neil and snapped his fingers. “Come along, baby. It’s time to go.”

Neil obediently strolled over to drape himself on Lou’s arm.

Michel eyed Neil suspiciously. He was trying to look at Neil’s wrist. “Does he still have the—”

“Michel,” Lou warned. “I have it under control.”

“Yes, boss.”

Neil resisted the childish urge to stick out his tongue at Michel.

Lou led Neil back out to the truck and opened the door for him. He shut it behind him, walked around to the driver’s side, and slid in behind the wheel. He cranked the truck up, but he kept it in park, watching Michel and Roland through the windshield.

Michel and Roland were leaving in their own vehicles, though Roland stopped to wave.

Lou nodded his head, but his expression was grim.

“So,” Neil said, eager to break the tense silence. “Uh, almost shooting someone in the head is your idea of a real estate dispute?”

Lou smirked. “He’s lucky he’s human or I would have done much worse.”

“But no revealing your monstery bits, right?”

“Exactly.”

“The green guy. Zayn.”

“He has a big mouth that needed to be silenced.” Lou paused, watching Michel drive away. “I am fighting a losing battle to keep the city from panicking and my brothers from moving in.”

“Aren’t you guys all part of the same family?”

“We are, but like any family, we don’t always get along.” Lou snorted. “Mr. Heiss is interested in expanding his territory across the river into mine. He’s quiet about it, but I know he’d jump at the chance to make me look bad and convince Q. to relinquish some of that land over to him. Absolis and Vilanos are greedy and want everything, and sometimes I’ve even wondered if they had something to do with the plague.”

Neil reached for Lou’s hand. “Do you think they’d really do that?”

“I don’t know.” Lou laced their fingers together. “My brothers are ruthless, and I can’t say there is a limit to what they might do to get what they want.” His eyes flicked to Neil’s wrist.

“Don’t worry.” Neil squeezed Lou’s hand. “I’m not going anywhere. I know how to summon a bunch of people in the Reliquary now. If they try, they’re gonna get roasted or turned into princess snacks.”

Lou cracked a little smile. “I believe you’d do it too.”

“Without hesitation.”

Lou put the truck in drive.

“Where are we going now?” Neil asked. “We still have some time before it’s the breath of wane gibbous or whatever, right?”

“We’re headed to the ward,” Lou replied. “It’s a special wing at the monster hospital. We’ll go back later to grab the cereus.”

“What are the chances of lunch? Maybe a light snack or two?”

“Pretty good. The hospital actually has a fantastic cafeteria. There’s a hot and cold buffet, a sandwich station, and—”

“You had me at buffet.”

The drive to the hospital was quiet after that except when Lou had to answer his phone to talk to Roland about preparations for tonight. Apparently a whole pig was somehow involved. Neil let himself zone out, staring through the window and getting lost in his head. He applauded himself for adapting so quickly to his new reality of monsters and crime, though he hoped for some small sense of normalcy to return.

Dating werewolf: good.

Being involved in werewolf’s criminal activity: bad.

Neil played with the Reliquary through his shirt sleeve, thumbing over each individual bead. He wasn’t sure what Lou’s great plan was for getting the spirits back on board with him, but he hoped it happened soon.

That would be the real test, wouldn’t it?

Neil immediately damned the thought for popping into his head, but he did wonder if Lou meant everything that he’d said about wanting to be together. He knew it was his own insecurity rearing its ugly head, and he fought to stamp it out at once. Though it was still brand new, he had to believe that what he and Lou had was real.

The Reliquary wasn’t going to change that, no matter which one of them was wearing it.

Or so he hoped.

A horrible daydream of Lou dumping him the second he got the Reliquary played on repeat until Neil became aware the truck had stopped moving. They were parked outside a large white building with fancy columns and a sign out front identifying it as the Somerstown Library.

Lou had unbuckled his seat belt, and he leaned over to press a heated kiss to Neil’s lips.

Neil was surprised by the affection and the intensity, and he quickly got out of his seat belt so he could kiss Lou back just as passionately. He was all but ready to climb into his lap when Lou pulled away, smiling softly.

Neil licked his lips, panting. “What was that for? Afraid someone is watching?”

“No.” Lou caressed Neil’s cheek and then kissed him again. It was slower now, a deep slide of their mouths that made Neil think their souls were touching. “I just wanted to.”

“O-okay. Good to know.” Neil was even more flustered, but he was smiling. His earlier fears were fading, replaced by a new confidence that there was indeed a future for them, with or without the Reliquary.

There was a small squeal from the back seat.

Lou and Neil both looked back to see Myrna grinning at them.

“You two are so darling!” she gushed. “I knew it was going to work out. I did! I called it!” She turned her head. “Didn’t I, Flanders? Didn’t I tell you?”

“I’m not here,” Flanders’s disembodied voice grumbled from the back seat.

“Thank you, Myrna,” Lou said. “You’re very sweet.”

“Uh-huh.” Neil blushed and hung his head bashfully. “We’re, uh, we’re just taking things slow.”

“There was certainly nothing slow about last night,” Myrna teased gleefully.

“What happens if I die?” Neil wondered out loud. “Can I drop dead right now and be the newest spirit in the Reliquary?”

“No, you silly goose. If you die, we would still be bound to your physical vessel until we chose a new one,” Myrna said, ever cheerful. “And you can’t simply become part of the Reliquary. It’s a very complicated magical process that involves taking a piece of your body, like bone or hair, and then binding it through multiple rituals—”

“Got it. Message received.” Neil sighed, covering his face with his hands.

Lou chuckled and peeled Neil’s hands back so he could kiss him again. “It’s all right.”

“Is it?” Neil grumbled.

“Let them watch.”

Lou kissed him again, letting it linger until Neil forgot all about their ghostly audience and even his own name. The kiss was deep, sensual, and sent shivers from Neil’s scalp all the way down his spine until his hips jerked forward in search of friction.

Lou grabbed his thigh with a little growl. “Mm, to be continued. We need to go.”

“Right.” Neil cleared his throat.

Myrna piped up and said, “If you two want to play some back seat bingo, Flanders and I can certainly move—”

“We certainly will not move,” countered Flanders.

Neil groaned loudly. “No one’s moving! Okay?”

“Come on, baby.” Lou grinned, patting Neil’s leg. “We’ll need to go back for the cereus later, but we need to go ahead and get in there now.”

“To do what?”

Lou’s smile saddened. “Whatever we can.”

CHAPTER ELEVEN

The inside of the Somerstown Library looked like any other Neil had been in, though this particular building was quite large and had two floors dedicated to shelves for housing books. It smelled of paper and must, and the old floor squeaked beneath Neil’s feet. Lou led Neil straight to the back to what he would have assumed was going to be another magical broom closet like at the tailor’s.

This door, however, opened up to reveal a brick wall.

Lou took his hand, and they passed right through as if it wasn’t there.

On the other side was a spacious lobby with a small waiting area and a receptionist desk. It smelled strongly of bleach and artificial floral air freshener, and everyone here was a monster, from those in the waiting area to the ones manning the desk.

The very sight froze Neil in his steps, and he tried very hard not to stare.

One of the monsters at reception was a naga, half-snake and half-human, who sat on its coils behind the desk. Neil wondered if Mrs. Loy looked as this one did, with shining scales and long tresses. The other was some sort of troll, woefully too large for what was an ill-sized chair.

The waiting area held a collection of beasts Neil was too ignorant to identify, but his mind struggled to make a valiant effort—a blue elf? Some sort of centaur? A werecow?

Neil barely had time to catalog the strange sights as Lou led him over to reception for sticky paper name tags to designate them as visitors. It felt so surreal considering where they were, but Neil supposed a monster hospital still had rules like any other. He again fell into step beside Lou as he followed him down a long linoleum hallway and then another before pausing at a set of steel doors.

Lou knocked.

The doors opened automatically.

Not so weird really except Neil didn’t see any kind of device that could have propelled the doors mechanically.

It opened into a small lobby that led to a nurses’ station with multiple halls of rooms behind it. Lou paused by the door to partake of a smoking stick of incense that had been left burning. He waved the smoke over himself and said, “Don’t worry. You don’t need it.”

“Because I’m human?” Neil guessed.

“Yes.” Lou offered his arm to Neil. “Let’s go, baby.”

The ward was as efficient and clean as any human hospital Neil had ever seen, though the sign of occupied beds out in the hallways was troubling. The staff wore charms and dried herbs around their necks, and they were all especially welcoming of Lou. They shook his hand, some kissed it, and a few boldly grabbed him in a big hug.

Lou was happy to introduce Neil as his mate, and Neil received the same admiration. It was strange, but he found himself getting swept up in it. The gratitude was certainly undeserved since he hadn’t done anything to earn it, but it was sort of nice to be treated like a celebrity.

Yes, the monsters were slightly horrifying at times, but they were all very kind. One of the nurses was covered in eyeballs and had way too many teeth, but Neil was pretty sure he loved her after she gushed about what a wonderfully handsome human he was. He didn’t know which eyes to look at to thank her, so he tried to look at all of them.

A small crowd soon formed to chat with them, and Lou said hello to everyone and took his time to speak to each person by name. When Neil spied a lone human in a white doctor’s coat, he assumed she was a were like Lou or some other kind of shapeshifter. He did his best not to gawk at the non-human looking ones and made a solid effort to act like everything was totally normal—even when shaking hands sometimes meant shaking claws or a tentacle.

When he and Lou finally had a moment alone, Lou said quietly, “Please summon Sawbones.”

“What do I say?” Neil asked.

“It’s time for grub, Sawbones.”

“It’s time for grub, Sawbones,” Neil repeated dutifully.

He had no idea what to expect, but he cringed in anticipation of something awful.

The spirit that appeared was a man wearing an old military uniform with a blood-stained apron over it. He was a hair taller than Lou and heavier, with a thick beard and long hair that hung in tangled locks about his face.

Ah, there was the awful part.

Sawbones didn’t have one—a face.

Where it should have been was a black hole framed by his lush beard, and Neil saw that his hands were completely skeletal. Magic was certainly the only thing allowing the many bones to connect and function, and Sawbones’s entire body made an awful creaking sound as he jerked to attention.

“At ease,” Lou whispered.

“At ease,” Neil echoed.

Sawbones relaxed, dropping his hand though he continued to twitch noisily.

“Tell him it’s time to visit the troops,” Lou instructed.

“It’s time to visit the… troops?” Neil didn’t feel as confident, but he forced a smile.

Sawbones bowed his head as if he was staring Neil down. There was no way to tell since he didn’t have any eyes or a face, but he lingered in that pose for a few moments before drawing back to a rigid military pose of attention.

“Let’s go,” Lou urged.

They visited each patient, including the ones who were hanging out in the hallway without a room. Lou greeted them by name and spoke in that effortlessly charming way he had. He’d introduce Neil, gossip a bit, and all the while Sawbones would stalk around them.

Neil was sure it had to be a bit alarming to the patients to see things move around on their own as Sawbones lumbered about, but very few seemed to notice.

Maybe they were used to it.

Sawbones made loud sniffing noises, jostled around the curtains or prodded at the pictures on the wall, and then he would reach inside of his own empty face to draw out syringes.

The syringes were old, glass, and definitely rusty. Neil wanted to protest when he saw Sawbones sticking them into the patients’ IV bags, but Lou soothed Neil’s worries with a warm smile. Whatever was happening was good, and the patients were instantly improved.

They sat up, they talked more, and their eyes even seemed brighter after Sawbones delivered his strange medicine.

Neil didn’t want to ask too many questions, but he was a little confused as to what the big danger was regarding the plague. The ward was certainly crowded, but no one seemed to be at risk of dropping dead.

Lou had stopped to speak to a doctor, a tall tree creature whose branches scraped the ceiling, and Neil took a moment to look back at the rooms behind him. Whatever the plague was, maybe it wasn’t as horrible as Lou and the others had made it out to be.

Lou brought Neil to another big set of doors, and he paused to say, “This will not be easy. If you need to leave, tell me. We will go. But whatever you do, do not run.”

Neil shivered. “Run? Why would I run?”

“Because the plague is devastating. It’s not… pleasant to see what it does.”

“Wait, those people back there weren’t the plague victims?”

“No.” Lou reached for more incense to wave the smoke over himself. “They’re in here. This is the ward.”

With Sawbones in tow, Lou led Neil through the doors into a large room. It was easily the size of a gymnasium, and beds were squished together by the dozens in big clusters with thin curtains of gauze hanging between them.

The patients here were…

Suffering.

The plague created strange crystalline growths that erupted right out of their skin. Some of those in later stages of the disease appeared to be more rock than monster, and their pained groans made Neil’s blood freeze. The air still smelled strongly of bleach, but it wasn’t enough to mask the pungent odor of sickness that crept into Neil’s nostrils.

All of the patients were weres, anthropomorphic beasts ranging from wolves to a few tigers, snakes, and more. It was impossible to be sure what some of them were because of the crystal growths that had consumed their bodies.

Neil squeezed Lou’s hand.

Lou squeezed back.

Sawbones continued to dispense his syringes, but the medicine didn’t have the same effect as it had with the others. It didn’t seem to do anything at all, if Neil was being honest. Lou and Neil helped move an ailing wolf into a wheelchair to be taken for a scan. Lou was kind, held their hand, and promised to see them again soon.

The second patient needed help feeding themselves because the stone growths had consumed their hands, and Lou was happy to assist them, and they both joked about sneaking in fast-food cheeseburgers next time.

The next complained loudly about the lack of television even though she had a foot long crystal jutting out of her chest. She said dying was no excuse to miss her human soaps. Lou patted her hand and promised to do his best to get some TVs brought in for everyone to watch.

A young panther child covered in crystal spikes was crying that she missed her mother and wanted to go home, and Lou comforted her until her tears dried and she drifted into a restless sleep.

Lou didn’t stop until he’d visited every last patient, young and old, and he never let his cheerful bedside manner slip for a moment. He comforted those who were scared, tried to ease their worries, and he listened to them for hours. This kinder side of Lou was a stark contrast from the merciless monster who’d threatened to shoot people and strangle them this morning, but Neil found them both appealing.

Each had its value and was an important facet of his werewolf boyfriend.

Mate? Mate-friend? Boy-mate?

Whatever.

When they were finally done, Lou taught Neil the phrase to dismiss Sawbones. It was dismissed. Easy enough. Neil said it, and Sawbones saluted and then promptly vanished. Lou checked in with the nurses and doctors to ask if they needed anything else before he took a break for lunch.

“A cure,” one of the doctors replied bluntly.

“Tonight,” Lou promised.

Lou took Neil’s arm to lead him out of the ward, though he paused to wave more incense over himself. He cut back through the other wing of rooms and out the doors. He was quiet, and Neil wasn’t sure where they were headed to now. He assumed somewhere to get food since Lou had mentioned lunch.

Judging by his pinched brow, however, Lou wasn’t in the mood to chat.

More than simply playing the part of a doting mate, Neil did want to comfort Lou. He didn’t like seeing him so worried, and he leaned up to kiss Lou’s scarred cheek.

Lou blinked in surprise. “What was that for?”

“I dunno.” Neil shrugged. “You just looked like you could use a kiss.”

Lou offered a small smile. “Thank you.”

“I can’t imagine how hard it is for you to see your people like this,” Neil said, “but what you’re doing for them is pretty damn awesome.”

“It’ll be more awesome if I can stop it permanently,” Lou murmured.

Neil didn’t want to dig, but he was curious and couldn’t keep his mouth shut. “You really think it’s the robey-lis trying to fuck with the family?”

“It’s very possible.”

A vaguely familiar hulking humanoid with grayish green skin wearing scrubs walked by them.

Neil wouldn’t have paid him attention except another identical humanoid in a suit came by a few seconds later and made Neil do a double take.

Certainly twins weren’t unheard of amongst monsters, and Neil focused back on Lou. “Is the plague magical or something?”

“Or something.” Lou snorted. “The symptoms were first recorded as the result of an ancient curse thousands of years ago. It attacks the lungs first. Starts out as a little cough that won’t go away. Then the crystals appear, and they don’t stop growing. The flower of the cereus is the key ingredient for the only known cure, and it has to be picked by dead hands.”

“Sawbones.”

“Exactly so.”

Another gray-green beast walked by them, this one in a T-shirt and jeans, and Neil stared.

This was getting weird.

“Okay, question.” Neil tugged on Lou’s arm. “Is there a certain type of monster that just all look alike or am I going crazy?”

“They’re Franks.” Lou smirked. “It’s about lunchtime.”

“Lunchtime? I mean, yay food, but what does that have to do with anything?”

“You’ll see.”

The next corner they turned brought them into a cafeteria, and Neil’s jaw dropped.

There were at least twenty more of the same monster. They were sitting down in groups, chatting and eating, and most of them had suits on. They all had the same skin, massive build, and Neil could now see since they were sitting that the tops of their heads were curiously flat.

“The Franks gather here for lunch,” Lou explained. “Don’t ask me why, but they all love hospital food.”

“Golems, right?” Neil tried to remember what Myrna had told him.

“Yes.” Lou steered Neil over toward the counter. “You might have seen Francis at the meeting. He does the books for the family.”

“Right. Big guy. Looks just like them. Glasses.” Neil noted that none of the other Franks appeared to have glasses. “So, uh, you have… a whole army of these guys?”

“Not quite an army, but they’re very helpful. They serve the family in many ways.” Lou nodded to the menu. “Hungry?”

“Starving.”

Neil figured a cheeseburger was a safe enough bet considering it was hospital fare, and he picked tater tots and fries for his sides.

Lou got a triple cheeseburger and double fries.

The clerk wouldn’t accept any payment, insisting that it was on the house, so Lou just shrugged and put a hundred dollar bill in the tip jar. He led Neil to a table near some windows that looked out into a large indoor garden, and Neil smiled as Lou pulled out his chair for him.

As he sat, he noticed that many of the cafeteria patrons were looking their way, Franks and not-Franks alike. He felt that weird sense of celebrity again, but he instead focused on his burger. For a hospital meal, it was pretty good.

Good enough that he didn’t immediately bother with the grease dripping down his chin.

Lou passed him some napkins from the dispenser. “Sorry they’re not cloth.”

“That’s all right.” Neil smiled. “Maybe tonight after we’re done with the cure?”

“No, not tonight.” Lou shook his head, pausing to take a bite of his food. “We need to go to the Inferno.”

“What’s that? A demon club?”

“No, it’s Bertie’s place.”

“So, a vampire club.” Neil tutted. “The name is very misleading.”

Lou chuckled. “It’s a monster club. No humans allowed.”

“What about handsome, dashing mates?”

“Of course.” Lou picked at his fries. “We need to make sure we’re seen by the family in public.”

“But we’re actually dating now. Do we really have to keep pretending and going out to all these fancy places?”

“Yes. My brothers cannot know I lied to them. They need to believe that we’ve been dating for a bit longer than a day. Plus, I like going to fancy places.” Lou smirked. “Especially if it means spoiling you.”

Neil smiled. “Well, if you insist. But I will need at least a week off to recharge my introvert battery, thank you very much. This is a lot of peopling.”

“Understood.”

They finished their meal and then Lou drove them back to his home to get the cereus. Lou fielded a few phone calls, checking in with Michel and Roland to make sure everything would be ready for tonight. A whole roasted pig was indeed a requirement, though Neil couldn’t imagine what for.

He’d probably find out soon enough.

Back at the ward, the sun was finally setting while Lou and Neil waited in a small office. There was a desk, a chair, and a long row of filing cabinets. Judging by the dust and old boxes, it wasn’t used for anything except storage.

Lou cleared off the desk so he could reverently set the cereus there, and he took a deep breath. “Please work,” he whispered. “Please.”

Neil squeezed his arm. “It will.”

“I’m glad one of us is sure,” Lou teased lightly.

“It will work,” Neil insisted. “My uncle’s plants are the healthiest damn things there are. I’m sure this lil’ guy will do the trick.”

“I hope so.”

Neil went to sit down, but there was a large ceramic pot in the chair. “What’s this?”

“Ah, that was from the other cereus.” Lou snorted. “I forgot to throw it out.”

The outside of the pot was an inky black and heavily glazed. Neil happened to look inside the pot, and he saw that the bottom was an odd milky white color. He traced the edges, frowning at the cloudy stain. “Did… did you try to clean this?”

“What?” Lou raised a brow. “No.”

Neil scratched at the stain. He picked up the pot and stuck his head in to sniff it.

“What in the world are you doing?”

“I…” Neil’s heart thumped awkwardly. “I think I know why Sawbones rejected the last cereus.”

“Why?”

“Because it was sabotaged.”

Lou scoffed. “Excuse me?”

“See those stains?” Neil showed Lou the bottom of the pot. “This is a ceramic pot. There’s only one thing I know of that will mess it up like that. Bleach.”

“Bleach?”

“Yup. I remember Shiloh warning me against using anything with bleach in the bathrooms at the flower shop because it would mess up the tile. He showed me a spot where some bleach leaked out and made a huge cloudy stain just like this.”

“Are you sure you’re not just smelling the bleach here? They use it everywhere—”

“Come on! Look at it yourself!”

Lou took the pot for a cursory glance. He sniffed it and then tensed. “I don’t understand.”

“Sawbones never said why he refused the cereus last time, right?” Neil gestured to the stain. “Someone could have totally doused bleach on it. This whole hospital reeks of it, so there’s probably a whole bunch laying around in a closet or something for anybody to grab.”

“We have to be sure.” Lou rubbed his wrist. “Call the Acrobat.”

“Another spirit?”

“Yes. You say, Acrobat, spring forth.” Lou sighed, reaching out to grab the cereus off the desk. “And then… brace yourself.”

“Okie dokie.” Neil took a deep breath. “Acrobat, spring forth.”

A giant bouncing ball of something suddenly appeared, zinging from one side of the office to the other. It ping-ponged back and forth, slamming into the cabinets, the ceiling, and the desk. It was a blur moving at lightning speed like an out of control rubber ball until it came to an abrupt halt on top of the filing cabinets.

The Acrobat was a small, spindly young woman in a black-and-white striped costume decorated with beaded fringe. Her face was hidden beneath a masked hood that had big horns like a jester’s, and her lips were painted black. She was perched on the edge of a filing cabinet like a gargoyle, her entire body thrumming as if she was ready to take off again.

“Uh. Hey.” Neil waved.

“Hey there, hi there, ho there!” the Acrobat greeted cheerfully. Her dark eyes were wide, nearly crazed, and she giggled.

Not many of the other spirits seemed that chatty, so Neil was a bit surprised to hear her speak. “So, uh. We need your help. With something?” He glanced to Lou for clarification.

“Yes.” Lou gestured to the pot. “Give it to her. Ask her to verify the presence of bleach.”

“Okay.” Neil offered the pot toward the Acrobat. “So, I need you to pretty please—”

The Acrobat’s arms stretched out across the room like rubber bands, snatching the pot and snapping right back. “I can hear you! I can hear, hear, hear you!” Her mouth opened up impossibly wide like she had no bones at all. She could probably have swallowed one of the filing cabinets whole, but instead she shoved the entire pot down her throat. Her neck and chest bulged outward as it traveled down to her stomach.

Neil stared stupidly at her distended belly, and he said, “Th-that’s… that’s a thing. That you can do.”

“Stretch, stretch, stretch!” The Acrobat laughed. “Wait until you see my big, big, big finish! Drumroll, please!” She coughed, made a face, and then without waiting for any drumming, she melted into a puddle. Her entire body totally liquified, dripping down the side of the filing cabinet in a viscous gush, and the pot was left behind where she’d been crouched just moments before.

The pot was glistening with a thick coating of clear slime.

Neil’s stomach heaved.

The Acrobat fully reformed in seconds, standing now in front of them with a wrinkle of her nose. “Oh! Bleach, bleach, bleach! Yes-o! Bleach-o! Yucko!”

Lou grimaced.

“Thank you,” Neil said. “Now, uh… What now?”

The Acrobat giggled wildly, and the very sound gave Neil the creeps. Apparently, it was possible for a spirit to go insane living inside the Reliquary. Either that or she had already been nuts before that wizard got her.

She was freakier than Princess Bitey-Face.

“So.” Neil gulped. “Do you hang around or do we just say goodbye—”

“No, don’t—!” Lou warned, but he was too late.

The Acrobat took a deep breath, put her thumb in her mouth, and puffed out her cheeks like she was filling herself with air. She took another breath and her entire body puffed out like the blueberry girl in Willy Wonka until she exploded. Globs of goopy clear slime flew everywhere, and Neil flinched as a big wad of the sticky substance hit him right in the face.

The urge to vomit was strong.

“You have to tell her that the show’s over,” Lou grumbled. “She doesn’t like saying goodbye.”

Neil was afraid to open his mouth to speak because whatever was all over him was going to get inside. He hummed affirmatively, glancing at Lou, who was also covered in clear slime.

“Myrna?” Lou called hopefully.

“Right here!” Myrna popped up, and she cringed when she saw the state of them. “Oh! Acrobat, eh?” She pulled a handkerchief from her apron. “Let’s get you boys cleaned up, huh?” She thankfully dabbed off Neil’s face first. “There we go!”

“Myrna, you’re a goddess,” Neil said.

Myrna blushed, playfully swatting at Neil’s shoulder. “Oh, shush! Sweet talker.” Her handkerchief magically absorbed the slime wherever she wiped it. She adjusted Neil’s tie and then moved on to cleaning up Lou.

“Okay, but real question here.” Neil eyed Lou’s slimy suit. “We can only see this crap because we’re privy to the magical sights and sounds or whatever of the Reliquary. What happens if the Acrobat does that when other people are around? They get hit with a bunch of invisible slime they can’t even see to wipe it off?”

“Yup.” Lou clicked his tongue.

“Fucking gross.”

“Aw, now don’t be so hard on Batty.” Myrna patted Lou’s nose, scolding Neil. “You need to be nice. She’s very sensitive.”

“Batty is the perfect name for her.”

“I wouldn’t be too unkind,” Lou said. “After all, she proved you were right about the bleach.”

“Bleach?” Myrna looked excited.

“Someone used bleach to poison the cereus.”

“Oh dear.” Myrna frowned and her joy for cleaning products dimmed. She was done cleaning Lou and stepped away to wipe up the slime on the desk. “Why would anyone do such a terrible thing?”

Lou rubbed his forehead. “I’m more concerned right now with how they did it. I should have smelled the bleach.”

“But everything in here smells like damn bleach,” Neil reminded him. “I know you have a cool werewolf sniffer, but that’s gotta mess with it, right?”

“Yes, of course. It’s done on purpose.”

“Wait, what is?”

Lou’s smile was strained. “Many monsters have a heightened sense of smell. The staff here use bleach to dull it to help keep them calm. Otherwise, they’d smell the sickness, all the disease…” He paused. “And deaths.”

“Oh.” Neil made a face. “Right. Sorry.”

He wanted to ask if that affected the staff’s ability to treat patients since they probably relied on those strong senses to help them, but he figured he could ask about the ins and outs of monster medicine later.

“It’s okay, baby.” Lou kissed Neil’s cheek. “Like you said, the stuff is everywhere. If I did smell any, I probably assumed I was smelling it from outside somewhere. I don’t understand how someone was able to…” He paused. “Shit.”

“What is it?” Neil asked.

“Shit.” Lou gritted his teeth, furious now.

“Whoa, hey! What’s wrong?”

“It’s my fault.” Lou clenched his hands into tight fists. “It’s all my fucking fault.”

“What are you talking about?” Myrna pouted. “You certainly didn’t pour the bleach!”

“I might as well have. I was such a fool.” Lou shook his head. “The last time I tried this, I brought the cereus to the hospital, right to this very room, but I had to leave for a few minutes. Q. had called me. I was gone for at least five minutes. Maybe ten. I didn’t bother worrying about locking the door because I couldn’t imagine anyone trying to mess with the damn cactus. The thought never even crossed my mind. Who the hell would? Everyone here knows what’s at stake!”

Lou’s shoulders twisted with the threat of wolfing out, and he turned to lean on the cabinets, heaving in ragged breaths as he tried to calm himself.

Neil slowly reached out to rub Lou’s back. He expected him to jerk away, but he was relieved to see Lou sag into his touch. “So, uh… someone could have come in here and fucked up the plant?”

“Yes.” Lou’s expression was grim when he glanced back at Neil. “Which means whoever did it is a monster.”

“Yeah,” Neil agreed. “Letting all those poor people stay sick and die? What a psycho.”

“No, baby. I mean, yes, clearly, but that’s not what I meant.”

“Huh?”

“One of our own did this.”

CHAPTER TWELVE

You think it’s someone here at the hospital?” Neil asked worriedly.

“Either a patient or a member of the staff, yes.” Lou smoothed his hands over his hair as he drew in a deep breath. “Only the monsters who work in this wing of the hospital know about the plague. They were all sworn to secrecy to prevent a panic, and no one outside of here knows anything except for your uncle and a few key people in my immediate family. It had to be someone who had both knowledge and access, so it’s either a monster here or one of them talked.”

“But why?” Neil blurted out. “The plague is killing people.”

“It must be the ribelli,” Lou said firmly. “What Zayn heard is true. There’s no one else who would have any reason to interfere with stopping the plague.”

“Like… someone is a rat or something?”

“It’s the only thing that makes sense. It’s not like the cleaning staff came in here and accidentally poured bleach in the damn pot.” Lou scoffed. “It had to have been done intentionally.”

“But who? There’s probably dozens of monsters who work here and had the opportunity when you stepped out. Plus the rat angle. If someone spilled the beans—”

“Spilled the beans?” Lou smirked.

“Yeah!” Neil snorted in reply. “You know, if someone talked and one of these robely people heard about it, they could have snuck in here. If you always have to do it on the waning giblets, then they could have been planning this since you did it the first time.”

“I’ll ask Michel and Roland. They were both here that night. Maybe they remember something.” Lou looked thoughtful. “Perhaps there was someone acting suspicious.”

“You could get a list of the people working here that night. Are there cameras?”

Lou smiled. “Look at you, detective.”

“What? It’s what they do on TV.”

“There are no cameras here, but…” Lou lit up. “Baby, you’re a genius.”

“Well, duh.” Neil hesitated. “Why?”

“The security here relies on magical imprinting to track all visitors and staff. Passing through a door takes a picture, if you will, of someone’s aura. At a minimum, we can get a list of everyone who was here that night.”

“So, then you can look up their backgrounds? Figure out if anybody is shady?”

“Don’t you worry your pretty head about that.” Lou chuckled and pressed a kiss into Neil’s hair. “I’ll take care of it.”

There was a knock at the door.

“Enter,” Lou called.

The door opened and in walked Michel and Roland, the latter of which had to duck to fit through. Roland was carrying the same black duffel bag from earlier, bulging now with what Neil assumed was a whole roasted pig. Michel was holding a bag of limes and a bottle of wine.

Under different circumstances, this could have been the start to a really weird party.

“Hi, boss. Hey, Neil.” Roland waved to them.

“Hey, boss!” Michel ignored Neil completely. Dick. “We got everything. Sorry we’re running a bit late. Had some issues down by the river. Those gremlins are back.”

“We got some of the Franks taking care of it, and they’re gonna report back. But the gremlins—”

“A problem for another time,” Lou said briskly. “We have a much more critical issue to address. I know why the cure failed.”

“Why?” Roland frowned.

“The cereus was sabotaged. It was poisoned.” Lou glanced between Roland and Michel. “I had to step out to take a phone call from Q. You two were here. Do you remember anyone acting suspicious? Any person trying to get into this room while I was gone?”

“No! Nothing.” Roland’s brow furrowed. “We were both right outside the whole time. There’s no way anyone got by us.”

“You left to go take a piss,” Michel said with a scowl. “What about then?”

“You were still here!” Roland snapped back.

“No, I wasn’t!” Michel accused. “They were wheeling that panther by and he fell out of his fucking wheelchair! I had to—”

“Wait, what?” Lou’s voice rose to an angry snarl. “What are you saying? You both left the room unguarded?”

Michel and Roland cowered.

“It was only for a second—” Roland protested.

“Fuck you!” Michel growled back. “I had to help get a panther back into his wheelchair and when I came back, you were gone—”

“I was in the damn bathroom!” Roland argued.

“Yeah, and for how long, huh?”

Lou let out a quick howl, a piercing rumble that silenced them both. He bared his teeth, his canines sharp as he said firmly, “Focus. We were betrayed by one of our own. While you two were fucking around, someone came in here and tainted the cereus so we couldn’t make the cure. We’re going to be looking at the staff and any visitors who came through—”

“That nurse!” Michel gasped. “There was a nurse who kept walking by us.”

“And?”

Michel made a face. “I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but there was this one nurse who kept cruising by—”

Myrna cleared her throat. “Lou, the sun’s going down. The flower. It’s blooming.”

The bud on the cactus was indeed opening, revealing an intricately beautiful white flower.

“—and he was acting weird.” Michel kept going, unable to hear Myrna speaking. “He was asking if we were part of the family, asked if you were here. Just being real nosy.”

“He was a werebear,” Roland added. “Hadn’t seen him around before.”

“Lou!” Myrna waved her arms. “Sun! Going down! Flower! Blooming!”

Lou nodded at her to indicate he heard her, but he addressed Michel and Roland when he said, “All right. It’s a start. Talk to security, get their imprint log, and find this bear.” He gestured to the door. “Go now. I’m going to summon Sawbones.”

“You got it, boss,” Michel said.

“On it, boss,” said Roland. “Good luck. See you later! Bye, Neil!”

Michel gave Neil a suspicious glare and nothing else, and Neil wondered what the hell he’d done to earn such ire.

Maybe Michel was jealous.

That would certainly explain the bitch stares.

Roland and Michel put the ingredients on the desk and left, and Neil tried not to sneer after Michel too hard. Michel probably had plenty of reasons for not trusting Neil, especially being a human, but Neil still didn’t like being treated like he was toe fungus.

“Michel doesn’t like me, does he?” Neil asked bluntly.

Lou opened up the duffel bag to get the pig out. “What?”

“Michel. He doesn’t like me.”

“Michel is a tiny bit of a sourpuss,” Myrna agreed. “He may just need time to warm up to you, darling. Humans and monsters haven’t exactly had the best history, and he’s not a big fan.”

“What she said,” Lou agreed.

“Plus, you did sort of appear out of nowhere.” Myrna clicked her tongue. “As Lou’s second, he probably expected that he’d be privy to the juicy details of Lou’s personal life. At least the ones that could potentially affect the family—”

“I suppose this means Buffy still doesn’t want to come back to me?” Lou said briskly.

“Oh!” Myrna blinked. “Well, she hasn’t really said anything. You know how she is! She is just, uh, taking her time making a decision. She’s, well, uh…”

The entire room trembled, and Neil clung to Lou. “The fuck?”

“I guess that’s a no?” Lou grumbled.

“What was that?” Neil demanded. “Was that Buffy?”

Myrna grinned sheepishly.

“So, this means she wants to keep hanging out with me?” Neil made a face. “Can I try talking to her? How do you summon her?”

“Later.” Lou shook his head. “Now is not the time or the place to unleash an eldritch beast.”

“A what now?”

“Come on and help me.” Lou pushed the pig into the center of the desk and then started to peel off the plastic it was wrapped up in.

Neil got to work on the other side of it, tearing the plastic off until he met Lou in the middle. He watched as Lou lined up the limes, lit thick white candles he’d taken from the side pocket of the duffel bag, and then opened the wine. “Twist top, huh? Very classy.”

“Trust me,” Lou said. “Sawbones likes it cheap.”

“So, are we ready?”

Lou placed the cereus beside the pig. “Ready.”

“It’s time for grub, Sawbones.”

Sawbones appeared, his not-face staring at Neil. He stood at attention.

“At ease,” Neil said firmly. He glanced to Lou. “Now what?”

“Order him to make the cure for the plague.”

“Hey you!” Neil attempted to sound commanding. “Make the cure for the plague. Right now.”

Sawbones grabbed a lime, held it over the candle flame, and then shoved it into the belly of the pig. He picked each lime up one by one to deliver the same unusual treatment.

“Is that right?” Neil mumbled.

“Yes. Just let him do his thing.” Lou rubbed Neil’s back.

“Okay.” Neil leaned into the touch, sighing. He noticed how Lou’s brow had furrowed, and he wrapped his arm around his waist. He knew all of those people in the ward were counting on them—on Lou—to deliver the cure.

The pressure on Lou’s shoulders had to be tremendous, and Neil wished there was something he could do to alleviate it.

Well, he could think of a few things, but none of them were really appropriate in public.

Instead he squeezed Lou close, saying, “It’s gonna work.”

Lou wrapped his arm around Neil’s shoulders. He didn’t say anything, but he kissed the top of his head.

Sawbones plucked the flower off the cereus with surprising gentleness, and then he roughly shoved it into the belly of the pig with the limes. He grabbed the entire cactus next, not needing to worry about the needles since his hands were nothing but bone, and he pushed it in alongside the other ingredients. He lifted up his apron and shirt, exposing his round belly.

Which had a giant mouth snaking horizontally across it.

Because of course it did.

The mouth opened, revealing giant sharp teeth, and a long purple tongue slithered out, sticky with drool. Sawbones tucked his apron and shirt out of the way so he had his hands free to grab the pig. He dragged it into his gaping belly-mouth and devoured the entire slab of meat in two quick bites.

The mouth burped, licked its lips, and smiled.

Sawbones picked up the wine and dropped the entire bottle into his face hole.

Neil almost expected it to rattle like it was being dropped into a trash can.

Sawbones tucked his shirt back in and dropped his apron. He seemed to be thinking. Or maybe he was digesting.

Lou squeezed Neil’s shoulder, whispering urgently, “It’s working!”

“It is?” Neil blinked. “How can you tell?”

“Because he hasn’t spat it out yet.”

Sawbones reached inside his face and brought out a large vial full of a bright green liquid. He handed it to Neil.

“Thank you.” Neil looked at the vial curiously. “This is it?”

“That’s it.” Lou grinned. “Tell him thank you and dismiss him. We don’t have a moment to lose.”

“Uh, thank you, Sawbones!” Neil gave him a salute. “Dismissed.”

Sawbones seemed confused judging by the twist of his head, but he saluted back before he vanished.

Neil handed the vial to Lou. “So, uh. Here it is.”

Lou kissed him. It was brief but passionate, and he cupped Neil’s cheek. “Thank you.”

“Anytime.” Neil smiled. “Happy to summon giant monster spirits to eat whole pigs and cough up magical cures whenever you need.”

“You’re a hell of a guy, Othniel.”

“Thanks, Louis.”

“You two are so cute!” Myrna whispered loudly from behind them, where she’d apparently been lurking. “I can hardly stand how adorable you are!”

Neil grinned. “Thank you, Myrna.”

“You’re welcome, darling.” Myrna squeaked. “Okay, sorry. Carry on. Lots to do!”

Lou offered Neil his arm. “Let’s go.”

Back to the ward they went, and there was a palpable collective sigh of relief when everyone saw the vial in Lou’s hand. The top of the vial had a black rubber dropper in it, and Lou bounced from bed to bed, dispensing a single drop to each patient on their tongue. He didn’t stay long enough to see the results, but Neil lingered to watch.

Amazingly, the crystals melted into a colorful liquid. For those whose growths had been massive, it was enough to drip and splash onto the floor. Several coughed up big gushes of liquid too, and the staff flitted around to help them and clean the messes.

Neil could feel Myrna practically vibrating, and he said, “Do you want to go help them?”

Myrna’s eyes widened. “Yes, please.”

Neil smiled. “Go on. I’m sure they’ll appreciate it.”

There was a mop in Myrna’s hands in a blink and she skipped away with a happy hum.

Neil caught up to Lou where he was giving the last patient their dose of the cure. Lou left their bedside smiling, and he passed the vial, along with what remained of the medicine, to the tree doctor. Neil didn’t hear what they said, but they shook hands before Lou walked over to join Neil.

“There. It’s done.” Lou’s smile lit up the whole room.

“Just like that?”

“Just like that.” Lou nodded toward the tree doctor. “They’ll hang on to what’s left in case any other patients show up, but this should be it.” He took a deep breath, his brow scrunching. “Now I just have to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

“Michel and Roland are checking into the magical record thingie, right?”

“The imprint logs, yes.”

“And they’re still searching for wherever the ro-elbows are hiding out?”

“Yes. They’ve got some Franks helping them.” Lou reached for Neil’s hand. “We’ve done all we can do for now.”

Neil gravitated into Lou’s space. He didn’t know how Lou felt about public displays of affection, but he desperately wanted to kiss him. And stick his tongue down his throat. “Well, what’s next then?”

“Drinks at the Inferno.”

“What about dinner?”

“There’s a restaurant inside the club. And yes, they have human food too.”

“Which means they have non-human food.”

“It is a club for monsters, baby.”

“Fair.” Neil gazed at Lou’s lips. “So, uh…”

Lou smiled. “What is it?”

“Just thinking about making out with you.”

Lou pulled Neil in close, bowing his head for a sweet kiss. It wasn’t quite the passionate makeout Neil had been fantasizing about, but it was more than enough to make his toes curl inside his shoes.

Lou nuzzled his cheek. “Mm, I think it’s time for us to go, baby.”

“Where are we going?” Neil asked breathlessly.

“The Inferno. Remember?”

“Yup. Got it.”

“We won’t stay too long.” Lou eyed Neil hungrily. “Because I cannot wait to get my hands on you again.”

Neil shivered. “I would not say no to a hospital bathroom rendezvous. I’m just putting that out there. I will absolutely blow you in the stall right now.”

Lou chuckled, kissing Neil’s hand. “Later, baby.”

Later couldn’t get here soon enough.

After they found Myrna and made sure she was done with her cleaning frenzy, they exited the hospital through the library and headed to Lou’s truck. Lou definitely seemed to be in a better mood, no doubt from curing everyone successfully. He reported his victory to Michel and Roland via phone, though they had nothing useful to report back with. They were still going through the imprint logs and hadn’t been able to find the mysterious werebear nurse.

Lou told them to keep looking.

He drove to an old car garage that looked like it had been closed decades ago. He pulled around back, parking in front of one of the bay doors, and waited. A few seconds ticked by and just when Neil was going to ask what the deal was, the bay door opened, revealing nothing but darkness.

Naturally, Lou drove right into it.

Neil cringed, half-expecting the truck to fall like they were driving off the edge of a cliff. The bay door closed behind them, and Lou continued to drive forward. Logically, he should have been driving through the other bay door, but the darkness kept going on and on.

It was broken by a red glow off in the distance, and Neil could make out the silhouette of a large building. It was a black brick illuminated by red neons in the shape of flames spelling out The Inferno. More neons framed a marquis that said LOGAN DUBOIS TONIGHT. Several monsters were clustered out front, a diverse group of scaled and furred and decidedly other.

Lou pulled up front, and his door opened by itself.

Neil yelped when his opened too.

“It’s all right.” Lou patted Neil’s thigh. “You’re absolutely safe.”

“R-right. Got it.” Neil laughed anxiously, waiting for Lou to come around to take his hand and help him step out of the truck. “Still getting used to all the, uh, magical weird monster things.”

“You’re doing wonderfully.” Lou kissed Neil’s hand. He held on to it as he led Neil to the front door.

Neil glanced behind him at the truck, and he jumped when it disappeared.

Right. Of course.

He squeezed Lou’s hand as they bypassed the other monsters, and the doors opened for them as if the building had been expecting them. Inside was a vast wealth of red velvet, black furniture, golden chandeliers, and more red flaming neons running along the tops of the walls. There was a stage with a piano and a microphone, and Neil was surprised to see what appeared to a young man sitting there and crooning away in a sultry tenor.

Neil noticed a few humans in fact, and he assumed they were weres like Lou or some kind of other creature. Being a monster club, he didn’t imagine there would be many regular humans here.

“Well! Look who finally decided to grace us with his presence!” Dagobert was strutting over to greet them. He was in another gothic ensemble, this one in shades of purple and gray, and he gave them a fanged smile. “I see you two have made quite the effort, haven’t you?”

Neil wondered if it was stamped on his forehead that he was now a slut for werewolf cock, but maybe it had more to do with the easy way he and Lou were touching and smiling now.

“What can I say?” Lou smirked. “We took your advice to heart.”

“It looks like you took it to bed. Even better.” Dagobert waved for them to follow him. “Eating in tonight?”

“Yes, please,” Lou replied. “My mate needs to be fed.”

Neil wasn’t sure if Lou was just saying that or if he’d heard Neil’s stomach rumbling on the drive over here. He walked with Lou toward a table near the stage that was surrounded by gold stanchions.

Dagobert moved the stanchions out of the way, saying, “I’ll have your waiter bring you menus.”

“Thank you, Bertie.” Lou pulled out Neil’s chair for him while Dagobert’s eye twitched, no doubt in reply to the nickname. “Could you go ahead and bring us drinks?”

“Of course. What will you have?”

“Merlot for me. The Chaney if you’d be so kind.” Lou sat next to Neil so they were both facing the stage. “He’ll have the same.”

“I will?” Neil snorted.

“Yes, you will.” Lou reached under the table to grab Neil’s thigh. “Thank you, Bertie.”

“Coming right up.” Dagobert’s nose scrunched, and he left with a haughty sigh.

Neil was aware of eyes on them like at the hospital, but he tried to ignore the staring and focus on Lou. “So, are you always gonna be bossy and order my drinks for me?”

“Most likely.” Lou winked.

Neil dropped his hand on top of Lou’s on his thigh. “I am perfectly capable of ordering my own drinks, thank you.”

“When we’re at a dive bar, absolutely.” Lou scoffed. “But when we’re here at one of the finest monster establishments, I’m not letting you subject yourself to anything less than the best of what they have to offer.”

“Bossy.”

“Brat.”

Neil beamed.

Lou smiled, and he leaned in to kiss Neil.

The singer on stage was playing Queen’s “Somebody To Love” and Neil couldn’t help but think maybe he had found a pretty someone of his own.

“Good evening, Louis,” Mr. Heiss rumbled. “Othniel.”

Neil looked up to see him standing in front of their table.

Though his deep growling voice was as Neil remembered, nothing else about Mr. Heiss was recognizable except for the lily in the lapel of his suit. His skin was now a dark purple that was almost black, his eyes were burning orbs of cerulean fire, and he had big black horns curling out of his brow. A crown of fire hovered between his horns, and there was also a tail—an honest to God tail—swishing by his legs like a whip ready to strike.

Neil tried not to choke on air.

Behind Mr. Heiss stood the blond twink from before, and he hadn’t changed much except for the massive feathery wings sprouting out of his back. Neil could see the metal collar around his neck better now, and he could make out strange markings that might have been an intricate design or simply words written in a language Neil didn’t know.

No, wait, Neil did know it.

It was Hebrew.

Well, that was fucking weird.

“Good evening,” Lou greeted. “Heiss. Sariel.”

Sariel, the winged man, smiled shyly.

Mr. Heiss raised his hand as if he was pulling on something.

Sariel jerked like the action had somehow tugged on his collar, and his smile vanished.

“It’s nice to see you and your mate out,” Mr. Heiss said smoothly. “I trust things are going well?”

“Very well,” Lou said. “My men are still searching for any sign of the ribelli in our territory. Checking the tracks beneath the city and the river. They could easily be hiding in the new construction.”

“While I appreciate you sharing that less than thrilling news, I was referring to your mate.” Mr. Heiss’s eyes flicked to Neil. “I believe it is polite to ask how a family member’s relationship is faring?”

“It fares very, very well.” Lou beamed at Neil sweetly, and he pressed a kiss to his cheek.

Neil blushed, and he couldn’t help how he gazed adoringly right back at Lou.

“I see.” Mr. Heiss was probably still suspicious, judging by how he pursed his lips, but he went on to say, “Well, I’m very glad to hear it. I’m deeply concerned with your happiness.”

“Sure, you are,” Neil mumbled.

“What?”

“Sure, that’s nice of you,” Neil quickly corrected himself. He could feel Lou’s lovely gaze morphing into a disapproving glare, but he didn’t look away from Mr. Heiss. “To be so concerned, I mean.”

“Of course.” Mr. Heiss flashed his sharp teeth. “I’d hate for anyone to take advantage of my brother’s kindness.”

“Is this your version of a shovel talk?” Neil batted his eyes. “Because that sounds like a threat.”

Lou crushed Neil’s hand under the table.

Mr. Heiss actually laughed. “Trust that I don’t waste time with threats. I’m a creature of action.” He smirked. “So, I hope you make my brother very, very happy.”

“I can only hope that it’s just as happy as he makes me,” Neil replied without hesitation.

Lou’s grip relaxed. “Thank you, baby. Trust me. You do.”

Dagobert walked up with two glasses and a bottle of wine. He had a bottle opener with him to pop the cork, expertly filling each glass. “Here we are, gentlemen.” He looked to Mr. Heiss. “Did you need something, sir?”

“No, I only came over to say hello to my brother.” Mr. Heiss turned his head back toward the front doors. “Although I am still short two guests. Have you by chance seen Mr. Tanze and Mr. Underwood yet?”

“Not yet, but the staff knows to expect them.”

Tanze. Underwood.

Neil knew those names…

Lou slid Neil’s glass over to him, ignoring their chatter as he said, “To you, baby. Thank you for everything.”

“You’re welcome, baby.” Neil picked up his glass to clink against Lou’s. “And thank you. I can honestly say this is the happiest I’ve ever been.”

Lou’s smile flickered, as if he wasn’t sure if Neil meant that or was just laying it on thick because his family was standing right there. “I feel much the same, baby. I really, really do.”

“Sorry for the wait, gentlemen,” Bertie cut in. “Your waiter will be right here with those menus. Perhaps an appetizer to get you started?”

“How about some sweet potato crostinis and baked brie?”

“Excellent choices, sir.”

Neil wasn’t totally sure what a crostini was, but he knew brie was cheese so—

“The brie is exquisite,” a silky voice purred, as if reading his thoughts.

Neil froze as he stared down at a pair of suited men approaching their table.

One was young, tall, and slender with dark curly hair, and the other was older, short, and broad and his head was shaved. The shorter man’s suit was a rich gray plaid with a red carnation in the lapel. The taller man’s clothing was simply black on black, but he also had a red carnation on his jacket.

It was the shorter of the two men who had spoken, and he peered at Neil through a pair of small round tortoiseshell glasses. “It’s topped with a rich spread of figs and pistachios.”

“It tastes like garbage,” said the younger man with a quick roll of his eyes. “But the herb crackers it comes with are pretty decent.”

Neil was going to throw up.

He knew these two men.

It was impossible and yet here they were.

“Allow me to introduce myself,” the shorter man said. “I am Benjamin Underwood, and this is Wilhelm Tanze.”

“Mr. Red and the Big Bad Wolf,” Neil blurted out.

Underwood scowled, and his eyes turned bright red.

“Always nice to meet a fan,” Tanze said with a wicked smile.

Neil knew now why their names were so familiar. He’d read them before in countless Murderpedia articles—Benjamin Underwood and Wilhelm Tanze were also known as Mr. Red and the Big Bad Wolf, the serial killers of Somerstown.

While meeting two maniac killers was terrifying enough, it was compounded by what Neil had read about them—particularly the little detail where the two had made a suicide pact.

Mr. Red and the Big Bad Wolf had died over thirty years ago.

Neil chugged his wine.

He was gonna need more.

A lot more.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

My name is Benjamin Underwood,” Underwood said bitterly. “I would appreciate it if you would address me as such and not by some tabloid filth.”

“Right. Sorry.” Neil kept drinking. “Please. Accept my apologies.”

“Don’t listen to him.” Tanze winked. “He loves it.”

Underwood’s scowl said otherwise.

“I’d like you both to meet my mate, Othniel Ricci,” Lou said. “He’s still rather new to our world.”

“Nice to meet you,” Tanze said.

Neil numbly shook his hand, trying not to think about Tanze’s kill count. This man was definitely younger than Tanze was at the time of his death, but it was absolutely him.

“A pleasure.” Underwood shook his hand too and made it a point to squeeze too hard.

Neil laughed nervously.

Mr. Heiss appeared amused. “Yes, how long has it been for you two? Three months, was it?”

“Yes,” Lou replied. “Three wonderful months.”

Mr. Heiss smiled.

It was a very big, very not nice smile, and Neil wasn’t sure why…

Oh shit.

Neil and Lou told the family they’d been dating for one month but had met online six months ago, which definitely didn’t match up with Lou’s reply.

“Well, three months of dating online,” Neil said quickly, trying to repair the damage. “When we first met in that cactus group, I wasn’t sure if, uh, there was a romantic future for us? Lou is sort of a player, you know. Heh. But he managed to convince me to start dating online three months ago and then, uh, we decided to make it official when we met. A month ago.”

Dagobert’s lips pressed into a thin line.

If there hadn’t been any witnesses, Neil expected he would have facepalmed.

“A charming story,” Mr. Heiss said, smirking at Lou.

Shit, shit, shit.

Tanze and Underwood didn’t seem to understand why Mr. Heiss was so amused, and Dagobert made it a point to walk away, no doubt cursing what a terrible liar Neil was. Sariel had drifted a few feet over toward the stage, watching the singer as someone approached to place money in his tip jar.

Lou must have realized his mistake because he hadn’t corrected Neil or reprimanded him for speaking out of turn. He threw his arm around Neil’s shoulders. “Who can keep up with the months when you’re too busy falling in love?”

Neil knew Lou didn’t mean that, but it still made his heart race.

“I expect wedding bells are in order then,” Mr. Heiss said. “Weres tend to court for one lunar cycle moon and then marry, don’t you? I’d say you’ve gone a bit beyond that, no matter how you’re counting.”

“I’m in no rush to ruin perfection,” Lou replied easily. “Especially with Neil being human, we have decided to let things happen in their own time.”

“Are you saying you don’t want to marry me?” Neil knew he shouldn’t have been offended, but he felt very strongly about their fake relationship.

And the real one too.

Lord, this was confusing.

“One day. Many days from now.” Lou forced a smile. “Now, baby—”

“Don’t you baby me when you just told your brother you don’t want to marry me!” Neil snapped.

“I believe that’s our cue to leave, love.” Underwood reached for Tanze.

“What? No way.” Tanze whistled. “This is getting good.”

Mr. Heiss was impossible to read.

Lou was easy.

He was pissed.

He bared his teeth in a strained smile, speaking between his teeth as he said impatiently, “Baby, it’s not that I don’t want to. But six months—”

“Three months,” Neil cut in. “It’s been three months since you wrote me that email with the winky emoji and said you wanted to be more than just prick pals!”

“Prick pals?” Tanze asked, genuinely interested.

“We met in a cactus enthusiast group! That’s what we called each other!”

“Baby—” Lou tried again, his teeth still gritted tight.

“No!” Neil crossed his arms. “You didn’t want to tell them about me because I’m human. That’s it, isn’t it? You’re ashamed of me.”

Lou’s eyes bulged, and his face turned red. “Baby. My love. My darling. Shut. Up.”

“No, that’s why you kept me a secret! Didn’t want your monster buddies to know you liked human booty—”

Lou grabbed the back of Neil’s neck and pulled, dragging him across his lap.

Neil’s stomach lurched, and he gasped, thinking Lou was about to spank him right there.

“Excuse us,” Lou said sweetly. “Domestic bliss can be so fleeting.”

“We shall leave you to it.” Underwood bowed his head politely and then took Tanze’s arm. “Gentlemen.”

Neil could see Underwood leading Tanze away, and Tanze was peeking back as if he didn’t want to miss the action.

He wasn’t the only one.

Several of the monstrous patrons were peeking over to see what was happening, and the added attention was thrilling and…

Shit.

There went another new kink.

Neil squirmed, his cock growing hard and pressing into Lou’s thigh. He gasped when Lou grabbed a firm handful of his hair and tugged, and Neil’s cock throbbed. He at least knew to be quiet now, though the urge to smart off and earn a spanking was dancing wildly across the forefront of his mind.

He wanted it.

He wanted it so much that he was willing to beg, and the depth of his own desire was startling. It made his loins clench up tight, his mouth dry, and his heart race. He jerked his head to make Lou pull harder on his hair, and he moaned when Lou finally cracked his hand across Neil’s ass.

“Try not to make too much of a scene,” Mr. Heiss warned.

“I’ll handle my mate in whatever way I see fit,” Lou countered. “You enjoy your party, brother.”

“You as well.” Mr. Heiss actually smiled.

Okay, well, it was still a smirk, but it was the closest thing to a smile he’d seen Mr. Heiss do. Neil wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad one. Maybe Mr. Heiss was genuinely happy to see his brother in a relationship.

Or perhaps he knew it was all a big stupid lie and thought their attempts to fool the family were hilarious.

Shit, shit, shit.

Neil focused on the pressure of his dick where it was digging into Lou’s leg to soothe himself, rolling his hips in short jerks to increase the friction.

“Good night,” Mr. Heiss said as he turned to leave. He pulled at whatever invisible chain was bound to Sariel’s collar, jerking Sariel away from where he’d drifted closer to the stage.

Sariel obediently followed Mr. Heiss without saying a word.

Neil had some questions about that.

And the serial killers.

Definitely had a lot of questions about the not-so-dead serial killers being very much alive and—

“Are you okay, baby?” Lou let go of Neil’s hair, petting his scalp gently.

“Wh-what? Yeah?” Neil turned his head to peek up at Lou. “Aren’t you going to spank me some more now?”

Lou laughed in surprise. “Seriously?”

“Well, uh.” Neil wiggled his butt. “When in Rome?”

Dagobert returned to their table. “So, is that a yes on the appetizers?” he asked sarcastically.

“Yes, please. Thank you, Bertie.” Lou slid his hand down to cup Neil’s ass where he’d popped him. “I do believe my brother is now satisfied with the caliber of my relationship.”

“It certainly seems that way, but you never know with demons.” Dagobert snorted. “Enjoy—” He flicked his hand, as if at a loss for words. “—whatever it is you two are doing.”

“Thank you.”

Neil took a deep breath and tried to relax. His body was on fire, his cock pounding, and he needed Lou’s hand to come crashing down on his ass again. He didn’t understand why Lou was waiting, unless it was Dagobert’s presence that was bothering him.

Lou certainly hadn’t minded popping Neil’s ass in front of a bunch of people before, but Neil couldn’t think of another reason Lou hadn’t gone to town on his butt yet. He groaned when Dagobert left, thinking that the spanking was going to start up soon. It could be any second. Any second now.

Any…

What the hell?

“The hell?” Neil grumbled, voicing his frustrations.

“What?” Lou arched his brow.

“Why aren’t you… you know.” Neil didn’t want to say it, and he became even more flustered when Lou helped him back into his chair. He was flushed and tingling all over from the anticipation of a riveting punishment, but the lack of one left him disappointed.

Also horny.

“Not right now,” Lou replied mysteriously.

“Why the fuck not?” Neil demanded. “Isn’t it important to, you know, ahem, keep up certain things that need to be kept up?”

“Yes.” Lou’s smile was sly as he reached for his wine to take a small sip.

“I am absolutely fine with you doing whatever you need to do.”

“Ah, but that’s the problem,” Lou tutted.

“What?”

“If you enjoy it, then it’s really not much of a punishment. Is it?”

Oh, that smug, beautiful bastard.

Neil wanted to argue, but he couldn’t because Lou was absolutely right. Being denied was the real punishment, and Neil’s balls ached with regret. He held out his glass for Lou to refill it. “You are a mean, mean man.”

“I’ll make it up to you later. If you’re a good boy.”

Neil shuddered. “So mean.”

Lou chuckled.

Neil drank his wine. He hadn’t tasted it much before since he had been too busy chugging it, and he was surprised to find it wasn’t overly dry and actually sweet. “This is pretty good.”

“I’m glad you like it.” Lou smiled. “I think you’ll enjoy the food too.” He glanced over his shoulder. “If our waiter ever shows up with a menu.”

“Maybe he’s afraid to wait on the spanky couple.”

Lou snorted. “Possibly.”

“Okay, so, listen up.” Neil scooted closer. “If you’re not going to spank me and drag me off into the coat room or whatever to ravage me, then I have some questions.”

“Such as?”

“Mr. Red and fucking Big Bad Wolf.”

“Ah, yes.” Lou grimaced.

“Explain please. And yes, I already know who they are. They’re literally making a new Netflix series about them and how they terrorized Somerstown. There’s all this crazy evidence suggesting they’re the first serial killers to hunt together and the theory is that they met when Tanze picked up Underwood with the intention of killing him.”

Lou blinked.

“Look, okay, I did some doom scrolling and went down a Somerstown serial killer rabbit hole when I first moved here.”

“After their deaths, Mr. Heiss raised them up as demons.” Lou shrugged. “Said it was too much talent to let go to waste. They work for him now.”

“Their confirmed kill count is sixty-two when you add them together.”

“I am confident that number is much, much higher now.”

“Okay, and why do they look younger? They were definitely older when they died. Is that a demon thing?”

“I believe it was a gift from Mr. Heiss.”

“Do they look crazy in their demon forms like he does?”

“What you see is their demon form.” Lou sipped his wine. “If a human being is raised as a demon, they’ll still look human. Demons like Mr. Heiss are either born from hellfire or they fall. You have to look for their wings to tell the difference, but Mr. Heiss hides his.”

“Wings.” Neil repeated the word.

“Only the fallen have them.”

“Okay, wait, new question. Sariel.”

A waiter with bright red hair swept in to deliver their appetizers, sputtering, “I am so, so very sorry for the wait!” It was Marcus, the receptionist at the Byron Tower. “I got tied up trying to deliver a perfect martini to Azazel and he kept telling me it was wrong just to be a jerk and told me I had to remake them personally, so I had to keep doing them over, and then…” He cleared his throat. “My apologies, sir.”

“You’re quite all right, Marcus.” Lou waved his hand. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Hey, Marcus! You work here too?” Neil asked.

“Yes, sir! Just a few nights a week,” Marcus replied, smiling wide. It didn’t seem like many people asked about him. “I love working for the family, don’t get me wrong, but the extra money is nice too.”

Judging by how Marcus’s gaze drifted to the piano player on stage, the extra money wasn’t the only nice thing he enjoyed.

Marcus fidgeted, looking back to Lou and Neil. “Do you, uh, know what you guys would like to eat yet, sir?”

“We need to see menus first,” Lou whispered.

“Right!” Marcus’s eyes widened. “I’m so sorry! I’ll be right back!”

“Marcus, it’s all right—”

Marcus didn’t hear him because he was already halfway across the restaurant.

Neil watched Marcus run off, noting, “That guy needs a vacation.”

“He’s a good pup,” Lou said, “but yes, he could use one.”

Marcus was back with the menus in seconds. “Here you are, sir! Sorry about that again. I’ll give you some time to look those over. And I’ll be back. To take your order. But not too soon. Promise.”

“Thank you, Marcus.” Lou smiled politely, waiting for him to leave the table before he mumbled, “A long vacation.”

“So.” Neil cleared his throat. “Sariel?”

“Ah. He’s an angel.”

“I figured that. The wings were a big clue. But what’s the deal with the collar? Is that, like… their thing?”

“No. There is definitely not a thing.”

“Well, what is it?”

“I’ll tell you if you can tell me what you want for dinner.”

“Thought you were ordering for me?” Neil challenged.

“I’m open to suggestions.” Lou smiled sweetly. “Although I may still ignore them.”

“Fine.” Neil glanced over the menu. “Okay, steak. Let’s go with… a filet. No, wait, the strip. With fries. That’s fine. Boom, there. Done.” He put his menu down. “Now spill.”

“Sariel found himself on the wrong side of the Celestial and Mr. Heiss captured him. His intention was to ransom him back to his fellow feathery brothers, but no one would pay.” Lou shrugged.

“Wow. That’s fucked up. They just left him with a demon?”

“That they did. Which is why Sariel now serves Mr. Heiss. I don’t imagine it’s ideal, but he can’t return home and Mr. Heiss enjoys the prestige of having his own personal angel.”

Neil wrinkled his nose. “Well, that’s special.”

“That’s Mr. Heiss for you.”

“I’m starting to think you’re the normal one in this family.”

Lou laughed. “Really?”

“Sure, you’re a werewolf dom who’s obsessed with cactuses, but at least you’re not dragging people around in collars.”

“That’s for our next date.”

Neil chuckled at that, reaching over to grab a cracker and try the baked brie. He immediately went right back in for more because it was delicious.

Just like the serial killer had said.

God, his life was weird.

“One more question.” Neil grinned.

“Yes, baby?”

“Do werewolves really get married after a month?”

Lou barked out a laugh. “It is common, yes.”

“How high is your divorce rate?”

“Staggering.” Lou chuckled and sipped some wine. “While it was once tradition to marry after only one lunar cycle, most modern weres don’t move quite that fast. These days, they might move in together after a month of dating, but they won’t marry for at least a year or so.”

“So, it’s not too unusual that we’ve been dating for three months and you haven’t put a ring on it?”

“Why?” Lou smirked. “Do you want me to?”

“To what?”

“Put a ring on it.” Lou dropped his hand on Neil’s thigh.

“Is this fake boyfriend Lou talking or real boyfriend Lou?” Neil leaned in, drawn by Lou’s gorgeous smile.

“I suppose that depends. Which one would you like it to be?”

“I think fake boyfriend Lou needs to get on it before I get away.”

“And me?” Lou was close enough now that Neil could smell the wine on his breath.

“I think you’re doing okay,” Neil replied with a grin. “I mean, there’s still no cloth napkins anywhere, but this is pretty damn nice.”

“I’ll see what I can do.” Lou kissed his cheek. “Mm, anything else?”

“Let’s see. The sex is good. No problems there.” Neil pretended to look thoughtful. “But what about when we’re not having crazy hot werewolf sex? How are you going to keep me entertained?”

“Somerstown has museums, art galleries—”

“Boo.”

“All of which we can watch exciting documentaries about from the comfort of my living room?”

“Ah, much better. Now you’re talking.” Neil grinned. “I’ve always been a Netflix and chill sort of guy.”

“As long as you promise to accompany me out at least once a week, I will be happy to lounge with you and watch TV whenever you’d like.”

“How about every other week?”

“We’ll see.”

“I’m hearing yes, Neil, that sounds perfect. God, you’re so handsome.”

“You’re gorgeous and I said we’ll see.” Lou chuckled warmly.

The singer on stage was performing another Queen song now, “Funny How Love Is”, and Neil let himself enjoy the music while gazing into Lou’s bright eyes. He hummed along, not even realizing he’d been singing too until Lou’s deep rumble joined his own.

Neil held Lou’s hand, and the two of them sang together. Lou was a respectable baritone, and Neil’s soft tenor was a fine complement, if not quite as confident. He’d never been much of a singer unless he was in the shower, but it was easy to get lost when all he could hear was Lou’s soothing bass.

As the song came to a close, Neil’s chest was light and his hand was sweating in Lou’s. Lou didn’t seem to mind as he gave it another squeeze and held on tight. They were a breath away from kissing, and something in the air had changed, charging it right up until Neil forgot what they were even talking about.

“So! Gentlemen.” Marcus’s voice interrupted the tender moment. He stood over the table, politely asking, “Have you two decided what you’d like to eat tonight?”

“I’ll have the filet cooked medium rare with a baked potato, butter and sour cream on the side. He’ll have the same, but medium and with fries,” Lou replied immediately. “Thank you, Marcus.”

“And ranch dressing,” Neil blurted out.

“All right! Coming right up!” Marcus scurried away.

“Ranch?” Lou wrinkled his nose. “Did you want a salad?”

“No, it’s for my fries,” Neil replied.

“You’re going to put the ranch on your french fries?”

“No, I’m going to dip my fries into the ranch dressing.” Neil laughed. “You look like I just grew another head.”

“I’m sorry.” Lou blinked. “I…” He took a deep breath. “Why?”

“Because it’s delicious. That’s why.” Neil grinned. “You’ve never tried it?”

“No.”

“Come on.”

“I’ve tried fries with malt vinegar, Thai-style chili sauce, spicy mustards, and several artisanal ketchups.” Lou’s nose wrinkled up again. “But… ranch dressing? Really?”

“Yes, really!” Neil smirked. “Don’t knock it until you try it, fancy pants.”

“Fancy pants? I am not—”

“You just described a form of ketchup as artisanal.” Neil loved how Lou pouted. “You are totally fancy pants.”

“There’s nothing wrong with actually having taste!” Flanders spoke up.

“Says the guy who licks his own balls!” Neil shot back without hesitation. He was finally getting used to the spirits occasionally popping into their conversations, and he grinned smugly.

“My balls are certainly more tasteful than ranch dressing and french fries.”

“Whatever, ball breath.”

Lou snorted out a laugh, trying to hide it in his wine glass.

“I heard that, Lou,” Flanders accused.

“Where are you?” Neil looked around. “Are you hiding under the table?”

“I’m on top of the table.” Neil’s wine glass teetered. “What a shame it would be if this very expensive wine were to spill over…”

“Flanders!” Myrna whispered loudly. “Don’t you dare! They’re having a lovely time!”

Neil grabbed his glass. “Hey, Myrna.” He half-expected Bridgette or Batty or any of the others to pop out too. Maybe Sawbones also liked Queen and wanted to sit for a spell and listen.

It certainly seemed like Marcus did.

Marcus had paused midstep, staring over at the singer with big doe eyes.

The singer saw him and smiled, flashing a pair of fangs.

Neil immediately hunkered down in his chair. “Shit!”

“What’s wrong, darling?” Myrna asked, her head peeking out from the other side of the table. “Are you well? I promise Flanders is just being silly—”

“More vampires!” Neil hissed.

“That’s Logan.” Lou rubbed Neil’s thigh. “I promise it’s all right.”

“I thought you said only two were allowed in the city—”

“And there are. Dagobert and his progeny, Logan.”

Neil stared at the singer.

Logan was handsome with wavy brown hair, bright eyes, and a chic pastel suit—much more boy band than bloodsucking creature of the night.

Neil drank his wine.

“If you’re all right, we’re going to go now!” Myrna was still whispering. “Come on, Flanders! Leave them be.”

“With any luck, maybe Neil will drown in his ranch dressing,” Flanders grumbled. “The coroner will at least appreciate how nice his shoes look…”

“That’s just silly. Now come on!”

“Bye, guys!” Neil waited to make sure they were gone, though the ensuing silence was hardly a guarantee. They were both still hanging out in the Reliquary on his wrist after all. He turned to Lou, asking, “So, uh, where were we?”

“You mean before you freaked out about the vampire up on stage singing?” Lou grinned.

“Yeah, we were talking about how fancy you and your ketchup are.”

“Says the man who puts ranch dressing on his fries.”

“The fries go into the ranch, Lou. You dip them. Just like your fancy ketchup.” Neil saw Marcus coming their way with a tray of food and beamed. “Look, you’re just gonna have to try it yourself.”

Lou hummed curiously. “We shall see.”

“Here we are, gentlemen!” Marcus set their plates down plus a soup bowl full of ranch dressing. “I wasn’t sure how much you wanted, so, uh, I… There you go!”

“Thank you very much, Marcus.” Lou smiled politely. “Everything looks wonderful.”

“Thank you!” Neil eagerly dragged the bowl of dressing over between his plate and Lou’s. “Wow, that was fast.”

“We aim to please here at the Inferno. Our chef is an arachne. Super fast because of the whole, uh, eight legs. Arms? Lots of limbs.” Marcus coughed. “Right, uh, let me know if you guys need anything else! Enjoy!”

“Thank you, Marcus.” Lou unwrapped his silverware to put his napkin in his lap.

“Now.” Neil picked up a fry and dipped it down into the ranch until he nearly covered his own fingers. He pulled it back out and offered it to Lou. “Try the deliciousness that is deep fried potato and its soulmate, ranch dressing.”

“I’m fine, thank you.”

“Not fancy enough for you, Fancy McFancy Pants?” Neil challenged.

Lou’s eyes narrowed. “Fine.” He used his fork to steal one of Neil’s fries. He gingerly dipped one end into the bowl of dressing and then took a tiny nibble.

And then another.

And another.

“Well?” Neil popped the fry into his mouth.

“I’ll need to try it again. Just to be sure.” Lou stabbed another fry, dipped it in more dressing, and ate it.

Neil smiled smugly and batted his eyes. “So?”

“Well…” Lou cracked a smile. “While it’s not an artisanal ketchup that’s been infused with black garlic, it’s not bad.”

“Damn skippy.”

Neil enjoyed the food immensely. The steak was like butter, and he devoured it before returning to finish what Lou had left of his fries. The music was pleasant, the atmosphere warm, and there were no more interruptions of any kind, monster or otherwise. Aside from the grievous lack of cloth napkins, it was pretty much the perfect dinner date.

Neil grinned when he saw Lou taking a tiny spoonful of ranch to drizzle on the last of his baked potato, noting, “See? Soulmates.”

“Apparently so.” Lou smiled. “I stand corrected. They are truly meant to be together.”

“Told ya’.” Neil chuckled, and he got caught up in Lou’s beautiful eyes. His heart went right to fluttering, and he couldn’t stand to look away just yet—not when Lou was looking at him like that.

Like he was beautiful, charming, and everything else in the world he could ever want.

The charged energy from before had returned, and Neil was being drawn right into Lou’s spectacular orbit once more. Neil was full, happy, pleasantly buzzed from the wine, and Lou’s hand was hot when it dropped on Neil’s knee and squeezed.

Neil’s pulse quickened.

Even though he’d watched Lou rough up monsters this morning and spent the afternoon using a spirit to help him conjure a magical cure for a plague, Neil was surprised by how right this felt. He was on a date with a werewolf, a man with a complicated position and an even more complex personality that at times ran in completely opposite directions, but maybe Lou wasn’t really so hard to understand. He liked fancy food and expensive clothes, but beyond those lavish material things, there was a chance his desires were simple.

Lou might like someone who would sing Queen songs with him, a special person who absolutely adored him and his army of cacti and would be willing to listen to him talk about artisanal ketchups for hours on end because they simply loved the sound of his voice that much.

Maybe that could be enough for him.

Maybe Neil could be enough.

A single strand of hair had managed to somehow escape Lou’s flawless ponytail and fallen across his brow.

Neil couldn’t resist reaching up to brush it back, and he gasped when Lou kissed him. The kiss was deep, ravenous, and so powerful that Neil felt himself being pulled out of his chair. He kissed Lou back passionately, and he would have climbed right into Lou’s lap…

But Marcus was there again and timidly clearing his throat.

“Uh, I’m so, so sorry to interrupt, but uh…” Marcus grimaced. “Did you gentlemen want anything for dessert?”

“Yes.” Lou licked his lips. “Two orders of tiramisu.”

“Yes, sir! Coming right up. Uh, anything else, sir?”

“Yes. We’ll be taking that to go.”

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Neil was so focused on Lou’s lips that he barely noticed the truck magically reappearing in front of the restaurant. They had hardly stopped kissing since Marcus ran to put in their dessert order, and Lou simply waved at Marcus for the check when he dropped off the to-go bag at their table. Somehow Lou managed to pay and then guide Neil outside, where they stood locked in another ravenous kiss.

Lou finally pulled away with a sigh, murmuring, “If we want this kiss to go anywhere, we really must return home.”

“Home is good.” Neil nodded. “There’s a bed there.”

“So I heard.” Lou chuckled as he led Neil over to the truck. He opened the passenger door for him and popped his ass as he climbed in.

Neil groaned, fighting to get his seat belt on and ignore the pounding of his dick. He took the to-go bag of food from Lou and set it in his lap. He’d never actually had tiramisu before, and he hoped it wasn’t something that might melt being so near the raging heat of his crotch.

Okay, that might not actually happen, but he was concerned.

Especially when Lou slid into the driver’s seat beside him and dropped his hand on Neil’s upper thigh.

“Be home soon.” Lou squeezed.

Neil groaned. “Not sure I can wait. Might spontaneously combust before we get there.”

“You wanna be a good boy for me?”

A good boy.

Fuck, why was that so hot? Neil squirmed and nodded. “Yeah, I do.”

Lou drove back into the darkness, coming out on the other side of the old garage as if he’d pulled right through the bay door. That was impossible since the front of the garage was boarded up, but that was hardly Neil’s main concern right now.

Every drop of his blood pumping through his dick was.

“Do you want to be one right now?” Lou asked, his voice husky as he turned onto the street.

“Right now?” Neil’s mind reeled with the possibilities, and his cock answered for him, replying enthusiastically, “Fucking yes.”

“Safe word?”

“Marzipan.”

“Put the food down between your feet, baby.”

Neil did so, his pulse rising until it was thudding as hard in his ears as it was in his balls. He dropped his hands to his knees, not sure what Lou might ask of him since he was driving. “All right.”

“Good boy.” Lou smiled.

“Now what, sir?”

“Touch yourself. Rub your cock through your pants.”

“Yes, sir.” Neil palmed himself, working up and down his shaft where it had become trapped in the leg of his pants. It felt good but wasn’t nearly enough to do much more than be a tease.

Then again, maybe that was Lou’s plan.

Lou wasn’t even looking at him. He was looking out through the windshield like a big dumb sexy responsible driver.

Neil leaned his seat back, rubbing his cock more forcefully until the friction made him gasp.

Lou glanced at him, but only for a moment.

Although it was obviously not the safest idea in the world, Neil was now determined to distract Lou. He slid his fingers around the head of his cock, squeezing there until he was sure there would be a damp spot left in the fabric of his pants. He trailed his other hand up his chest, pausing at his nipple and pinching it lightly.

Nothing.

Dammit.

Neil didn’t let up, pinching himself harder until he grunted. It wasn’t quite the level of sensation he wanted, so he opened up the buttons on his shirt to grant himself better access. He loosened his tie as well, but he couldn’t get the top button loose with one hand. He didn’t want to stop touching his dick and decided this was enough, spreading his shirt to bare his chest. He went for his nipple again, shuddering at how hot his touch felt against the sensitive nub.

God, he wanted more.

Neil moved his fingers up to his lips, sucking two into his mouth with a soft whine. He continued to massage his cock through his pants, bucking up into his own palm as he let himself get lost in the feelings. This was very much how he’d jerk off if he was alone—minus his clothing being in the way, of course—and he didn’t get overly loud or theatrical.

He imagined he was in his bed, teasing himself to build the pleasure that would follow when he finally took his cock in hand. His breathing was heavy, but otherwise he remained quiet. He wanted Lou to have to look at him to see what he was doing, and he dropped his slick fingers to massage his nipple. His spit made the slide easy, and he massaged the tender flesh in steady circles as he humped his hand.

He drove his cock into his palm with graceful rolls of his hips, dragging his thumb around his nipple in the same tantalizing rhythm. He longed for his own tight grip to speed him along to climax, and his damp nipple hardened in the blast of frigid air from the truck’s AC. He was aware that anyone driving by could see him if their vehicle was of a similar height, even if it was just in glimpses briefly illuminated by the passing street lamps.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Why was that so hot?

It wasn’t the eyes of others he wanted on him—it was Lou.

Neil did moan then, a breathless sound of desperation. The pressure in his loins ached in need of release, and he closed his eyes, humping his hand in earnest as he tried to inch his bliss to its tipping point. His precome was soaking his pants leg now, his balls were hot and tight, and he wanted to come.

He was squirming in his seat, the seat belt catching the thrust of his hips as he lost sense of how far he was going in pursuit of his end.

A horn honked.

Neil gasped, his eyes snapping open as he stared out the windshield. His adrenaline surged and made his heart catch fire, half-expecting to see them about to crash into a car. He found an empty road and a green traffic light, and he turned to gawk at Lou in search of answers.

Lou had stopped at the light and apparently forgotten to move forward, his eyes fixed on Neil’s writhing figure with his lips parted, panting loudly. He uttered a single word: “Fuck.”

“Lou.” Neil groaned. “Please… I…”

Lou hit the gas a little harder than he needed to, his voice strained as he said, “Don’t stop. But don’t come. Not yet.”

Neil whined.

All pretense of trying to remain calm was lost now that he knew Lou was actually paying attention, and the sob that he let out startled him. He licked his fingers to wet them anew so he could move on to his other nipple, pinching and rubbing fiercely. There was something about Lou telling him not to come that made him want it even more. He grabbed at his dick through his pants, trying to get his fingers around it for a proper stroke and whining when he couldn’t.

“Pull it out, baby,” Lou commanded. “Let me see how hard you are.”

Neil panted. He fumbled with his belt, scrambling to free his cock. The head was slick with precome in the light of the passing streetlamps. It danced in time with his pulse in his hand, and he gave it a squeeze, groaning at the blistering heat. He’d been dying to touch himself, but now that he had, he regretted it.

How the fuck was he not going to bust now?

He stayed away from the juicy tip, focusing his attention now to the base of his dick and his balls. That was safe, that was okay. He drew his legs up, thrusting into the air as he sought the friction he denied himself to keep his orgasm at bay. He returned to massaging his nipple and rolled it between his fingers, biting his lip as he swallowed back a whine.

Everything was throbbing.

Neil’s nipples, his chest, and his tongue were on fire and hottest of all was the ball of flames between his legs that pulsated through the tip of his cock and hung back deep in his sack. He had to keep going to be good, but continuing put him at risk of spilling over his fingers, which would not be good. Neil dug his heels into the floorboard, bracing his body for a few more short thrusts before he had to stop or he really was going to lose it.

He gathered up the precome from his cock and brought it to his mouth to taste. He needed to distract himself, he had to—

Lou was on him with a deep growl, grabbing his hand and lapping up the fluid from his palm.

Neil had been so caught up in playing with himself that he hadn’t realized they were already back at Lou’s and parked. He stared as Lou’s long tongue ran up and down each of his fingers, and he whimpered. “F-fuck, sir…”

Lou’s eyes were wild, the irises naught but thin slivers as they burned into Neil’s. “Get out and bend over the side of the truck.”

“S-sir?”

“Because I can’t wait to get upstairs to fuck you.”

Neil’s cock flexed. “Sir, yes, sir!”

He didn’t think anyone had ever moved as fast in the history of the world as he did scrambling to get out of the truck. He shut the door and reached back to push his pants and underwear down to his knees, gasping as Lou crowded behind him. He’d been expecting him of course, but damn, he was quick.

Lou’s fingers were wet as they pressed against Neil’s hole, one pushing in deep and then hastily followed by another. “Spread your legs. Put your hands on the truck. Now.”

Neil did as he was told, widening his stance and arching his hips back to fuck himself on Lou’s hand. Lou’s precome eased the way as Lou’s fingers fucked him open, and Neil’s sweaty palms squeaked against the surface of the truck as the force pushed him forward. “G-God. Yes! Dick. Please, please, gimme your dick!”

Lou popped Neil’s ass.

The crack echoed loudly in the cavernous parking garage, and Neil moaned.

“I’ll give you what I want when I want to,” Lou warned. “Not a second before.”

“Fuck.” Neil moaned as Lou’s fingers twisted hard, and he panted through the stretch as Lou kept fucking him wider. There was a third finger, maybe a fourth, and Neil clumsily humped the side of the truck, the metal so cool that it felt like a brand against his throbbing cock.

There was a heaviness in Neil’s body from being so close to ecstasy and then denied, and the push of Lou’s fingers wasn’t nearly enough to counter it. He needed Lou’s cock, he needed his knot, and fuck, he needed to come or his head was going to explode.

Thankfully, the teasing torture of Lou’s fingers must have been equally insufferable to Lou because he only carried on for a few more agonizing seconds. He replaced his fingers with his dripping cock, crowding Neil against the truck with a low snarl. “I’m going to fuck you and bury my knot inside of you. You’re going to take my load, every drop, and you will not come.”

“Lou! But come on—”

Lou spanked Neil’s ass. “You will not come.”

Neil’s world spun, and he whimpered, sinking into a deep fog. “Yes, sir. Yes. I won’t. I’ll be good. I’ll be so fuckin’ good, I’ll—ah, fuck!” He gasped when Lou pushed in, and his vision imploded in a swirl of colors and inky splotches. He’d never craved someone so much that his very bones ached, and he moaned loudly as Lou plunged deeper. “God, yes. Yes!”

Lou’s hands grabbed Neil’s and stretched them toward the top of the truck as he thrust forward. He didn’t stop until he’d given Neil all of his thick cock, and he nuzzled the back of Neil’s neck, breathing him in noisily. “My mate…”

“Yours.” Neil groaned as Lou fucked him slowly, and he welcomed the hot press of cock stretching him wide open. The pressure in his balls had abated to a dull thud for now, and he focused on the blistering slide of Lou thrusting into him. He felt so wonderfully small with Lou curled against him like this, and he turned his cheek to press it against the window.

Lou didn’t linger on the syrupy slow rhythm for long, his thrusts quickly building in speed and strength. He laced his fingers with Neil’s, each one bulging as a claw sprouted from its tip, and he pounded into Neil’s hole with reckless abandonment. He dragged his teeth over the side of Neil’s neck, and he fucked him into the side of the truck until the whole vehicle was rocking.

Neil shuddered, letting Lou use him however he wanted. It was fantastic, and the added thrill of getting railed where anyone could stumble across them was exciting. Neil didn’t know why he was so into it, but he found himself imagining that someone was watching them right now and it made his core twinge with lust.

Would they like it? To see Neil getting fucked? Would they know that Lou wasn’t human from the way he plowed Neil without mercy and had the whole truck shaking?

Yes, yes, and yes, Neil’s desire addled mind supplied. He smiled breathlessly, his eyes fluttering closed as he surrendered to Lou’s ferocious whims. He could feel the knot catching, and he knew Lou’s climax would be upon him soon. Neil would have to wait, but he found he was so relaxed now that he didn’t mind.

He was going to be a good boy for Lou, and that was worth so much more.

Lou howled when his knot forced its way inside Neil and caught, his cock shooting pulse after pulse of hot come. He thrust hard, pinning Neil against the truck as he filled him, lavishing his throat with hungry bites and kisses. “There you go, baby,” he purred. “There you go. Take it all.”

Neil sagged, his neglected cock twitching in want of relief. He arched back on Lou’s knot just to feel the delicious stretch, and he moaned softly. “Yes, sir. Yes, every drop. Every fuckin’ drop.”

Lou let go of Neil’s hands so he could hug his waist, and he laid a sweet kiss behind Neil’s ear. “God, you’re incredible.”

Neil smiled, reaching down to grab Lou’s forearm. “You too, sir.”

Even though he hadn’t come yet, there was a sense of satisfaction in having taken Lou’s knot. He loved its girth, the sheer weight of it, and he could scarcely breathe without feeling it move inside of him. He was sweaty and strung out, buzzed like he’d chugged back a row of shots and then taken a few spins around a dance floor to nothing but booty shaking tracks.

God, it was good.

Coming would be better, but it was still so fucking good.

“As soon as my knot goes down, I’m going to take you upstairs and fuck you again and again,” Lou promised. “I want you to be stuffed full of my come when you finally bust. Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir.” Neil groaned. “God, yes.”

“Good boy.”

Lou petted Neil’s hair and hip until they could finally separate. He helped Neil get his pants and underwear up before tucking his cock away. He grabbed the tiramisu from the truck and then offered Neil his arm to lead him into the elevator. He continued to play with his hair and kiss his forehead, holding Neil close until the telltale ding sounded that they’d arrived at their floor.

Neil hadn’t noticed the numbers moving because he’d been far too caught up in every soft press of Lou’s lips against his flushed skin. For a few moments, there hadn’t been anything else in the world but the two of them and all of those sweet little kisses.

Lou guided Neil through the open elevator doors and inside his home. The door shut and Lou seized Neil in a deep, lingering kiss. He wrapped his arms around him as he licked into his mouth, pushing him up against the wall with a growl. “Mm, baby.”

Neil melted in Lou’s arms, reaching up to drag his fingers through his hair. He pulled at the band until Lou’s hair was freed, and then he eagerly raked through Lou’s long tresses. Lou was already pushing Neil’s pants and underwear down, and Neil frantically kicked his way out of them. He thought Lou was going to turn him around and fuck him like he had with the truck.

Lou picking him up and pinning him to the wall was welcome though very unexpected.

“Oh!” Neil squeaked as his legs squeezed Lou’s waist, and he scrambled to grab Lou’s shoulders to hang on.

Lou clearly didn’t need the assistance, effortlessly supporting Neil’s weight with one arm while he unzipped his pants to pull his cock out. “You’re going to take my knot again, baby. You ready?”

“Yes!” Neil kissed him fiercely and moaned as Lou’s cock sank back inside of him. His hole was wet, tender, and so open that Lou slid right in. He wrapped around Lou as closely as he could, grinding his ass down to meet his thrusts. Each slam was forceful enough that Neil’s back hitched up the wall, and he groaned hungrily, too turned on to care about how loud he was getting.

Getting fucked like this had long been a fantasy of Neil’s, though he’d never had a lover who was strong enough to even attempt it. Lou was fucking him no differently than if they were in bed, and Neil enjoyed every steamy second of being pounded into the wall. A picture fell somewhere, possibly broke, but Neil certainly didn’t care about stopping to see what it was.

Neither did Lou, still pumping hard into Neil’s ass with steadily rising growls. When his teeth dug into Neil’s throat, they were sharp and pointed, and his claws were again digging into Neil’s hips as he dragged him into every brutal slam.

Fuck, there was the knot again.

Neil whined as it thickened, catching on his hole as Lou continued to move in and out. His ass was so loose that the knot didn’t actually lock them together until it was at its absolute fullest, and Neil croaked out a short sob as he was flooded with another big load. He buried his face in Lou’s neck, hugging him tight as his insides swelled from the new rush of fluid.

“Good boy, such a good fuckin’ boy,” Lou growled, rocking Neil as his cock continued to pulse. “So damn good for me.”

Neil laughed, surprised how quickly the sound bubbled out of him. “Fuck, that was amazing.”

“Think you can take one more?” Lou licked at Neil’s jaw.

“Yes, fuck. Yes, please.” Neil clung to Lou as he carried him into the bedroom, and he shuddered as the knot shifted inside of him with every step.

Lou crawled into bed, gently laying Neil down in the pillows. His knot kept them connected, but he moved to finish divesting both of their clothes. He removed Neil’s tie and then his shirt, reverently kissing his bared chest. Lou stripped out of his own jacket, shirt, and tie, and then flung them aside. He got his pants and underwear to his knees, but trying to slip them farther down pulled on his knot and made them both groan.

Neil grunted. “Goddamn!”

“Sorry.” Lou chuckled, kissing Neil’s cheek.

Neil let his arms and legs flop across the bed, and he grinned up at Lou. “God, I love your dick.”

“Trust that it is a very big fan of yours too.” Lou lifted one knee at a time and he was finally able to get the rest of his clothes off. Now fully nude, he pressed close so he could kiss Neil. He slid his arms underneath Neil’s body as their tongues danced together, and he sighed, a breathy little growl that sounded especially pleased.

Neil stroked Lou’s hair, his legs shaking as they rose around Lou’s hips. Their frantic passions had slowed for the moment, but there was plenty of heat behind every one of Lou’s searing kisses.

“You’ve been so very good for me,” Lou murmured. “I want you to come for me when you take my knot again. Can you do that, baby?”

“Uh-huh.” Neil nodded.

Oh, it certainly wouldn’t take much.

The storm of sweet pressure wasn’t difficult to call back now that Neil knew there would finally be a reprieve, and he eagerly grinded his ass down on Lou’s shrinking knot to help get himself there. Lou tilted his hips upward as he thrust, slowly but surely lifting Neil’s ass off the bed to hit a particularly devastating angle.

Neil cried out, his hole sensitive from so much friction. He whimpered as Lou’s cock rubbed against the sweetest nerves that made him see stars, and he moaned when Lou sped up once more.

Lou dug in harder, forcing Neil to bend in half with his knees pinned to his chest as he drilled into him. He grabbed Neil’s shoulder to pull him into every slam, and he snaked his other hand over Neil’s thigh to deliver a quick smack.

“God!” Neil gasped.

The simple skin on skin collision was enough to make him shudder to his toes. He was so overstimulated that he thought his brain might crash, and he moaned helplessly when Lou spanked him again. He would tense without meaning to, clenching up tight around Lou’s cock and intensifying the already powerful feelings.

“Yeah, that’s it,” Lou urged. “Squeeze down on my dick, baby. Come on.”

As if Neil needed more encouragement, Lou spanked him again in exactly the same spot. The quick burn was scalding, maddening, and Neil cried out as two more targeted blows forced him to tighten down even more on Lou’s thrusting cock. It felt amazing, overwhelmingly so, and the throb in his balls was back up to insanity inducing levels.

“Sir, please!” Neil begged. “Please, please, please!”

“Come on, baby,” Lou growled, fucking him harder. Thick fur grew over his chest and neck as his body bulged with the threat of his transformation. His teeth were fangs, sharp and catching the light when he ordered, “Come on my knot, baby. Come on. Give it up for me. Let me see you come.”

Neil focused on the wet hot slide of Lou’s cock, the sinfully sweet rise of pressure, and he angled his ass down to get Lou’s dick to rub right there—“Fuck!”

“There you go! There you go, baby!” Lou snarled.

Sobbing, Neil came so hard that his body jerked upward and he nearly headbutted Lou. Lou’s knot swelled during the first pulse, and Neil cried out in surprise and wild pleasure. It was like coming back to back, each wave hotter and stronger than the last, driven by the big surge of Lou’s load inside of him. Neil was already so full, so fucking full, and every muscle surrendered its last bit of strength to carry him through the staggering whirlwind of bliss.

“Good boy. My good boy.” Lou eased Neil’s legs back around his waist, wrapping him up in a tender embrace as he pressed a soft kiss to his lips.

Neil moved his mouth in reply, but it wasn’t much of a kiss. He couldn’t catch his breath, that part of his face felt eerily numb, and his limbs wouldn’t listen to any of his commands. He was content to be held and did his best to return Lou’s kisses, mumbling, “Fuuu-uck, that was good.”

“No pain?” Lou nosed Neil’s cheek.

“No.” Neil smiled. “I’m not planning to run any marathons tomorrow, that’s for fucking sure.”

“Do you like that?”

“What?”

“Running.”

“God, no.” Neil laughed heartily. “I’m not running unless something is chasing me. Like a killer. Or, like a…”

“A vampire?” Lou teased.

“Yes.” Neil made a face. “I’d run so fast that I’d break the sound barrier if a vampire was after me.”

“What is it with you and vampires? Why are you so afraid of them?”

“Monster Squad.”

Lou blinked for a long moment. “Wolfman’s got nards? That Monster Squad?”

“Yes.” Neil groaned. “When I was a kid, I used to love watching the classic Universal monster movies. The old black-and-white ones with Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi, you know? So, my parents got The Monster Squad for me and that Dracula scared the ever loving shit out of me. I have no idea if it was because it was in color, if he was just a scary Dracula, or what, but it gave me nightmares for months.”

“Seriously?” Lou grinned. “And it what? Put you off all vampires forever?”

“Pretty much. I was convinced that guy was going to come through my window and suck me dry, and not in any kind of enjoyable or sexy way.”

“Have you ever thought about watching it again as an adult?”

“To what? Like, get over my fears? Yeah, been there, done that.” Neil made another face. “I apparently blanked out on all the gay slurs when I was a kid. So, that was a fun surprise. Not.”

“What I’m hearing is that we’re not watching Monster Squad anytime soon.”

“No. Besides.” Neil winked. “I already know Wolfman’s got nards. Big ones too.”

Lou laughed. “That I do.”

Neil snuggled into Lou’s shoulder.

Kissing the top of Neil’s head, Lou promised, “Don’t worry. I’ll keep you safe from the scary vampires.”

“Dick.” Neil huffed. “Just you wait until I find out what you’re scared of.”

“Not much. Maybe low tree branches.”

“Huh?”

Lou winked his left eye. “How do you think I got this scar?”

“By running into a tree branch?”

“Scars can’t all have badass stories.”

Neil laughed. “Well, at least it looks badass.”

“Thank you.” Lou gently pulled out now that his knot had receded. “Mm, my apologies.”

There were towels on the edge of the bed, one dry and one damp—no doubt from Myrna.

“Come on, spill,” Neil grumbled as Lou gently wiped the damp towel between his legs. “What is it? Huh? Roaches? Snakes? Killer clowns from outer space?”

“I’ll never tell.” Lou smooched Neil’s hips as he wiped up his stomach.

Neil closed his eyes as Lou cleaned him, and he smiled as Lou turned his hip to kiss the edge of a welted handprint he’d left behind. “I like this better.”

“Like what, baby?”

“Giving myself to you. Like this. More than us putting on a show for everyone, trying to make sure they all believe us.” Neil brushed Lou’s hair out of his face. “It feels… real.”

Lou smiled warmly. “It is real, baby. I promise.”

“Better be or I’ll have to kick your ass.”

Lou grinned. “Yeah? You and what army?”

Neil jiggled the Reliquary.

“Fair.” Lou chuckled and smooched Neil’s stomach. “Mmm. Now tell me, baby. What can I get you? Do you need anything?”

“Where is that tiramisu at?”

“Ah. It is…” Lou paused, and he looked unsure.

“I think someone very nice found it by the front door and put it in the fridge for you!” Myrna whispered loudly.

“Thank you, Myrna.”

“You’re welcome!”

“Okay.” Neil nodded. “I need to go pee, eat that tiramisu, probably both pieces, and then I demand to be snuggled.”

Lou smirked. “You got it, baby. Whatever you want.”

“Even both pieces of tiramisu?”

“We’ll see.”

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Waking up in Lou’s arms was becoming Neil’s favorite thing in the world.

It was warm, comfortable, and it would have been so easy to fall right back asleep again. Lou wouldn’t allow it, that gorgeous bastard, instead dragging Neil into the bathroom for a hot shower. He made up for his cruelty with scorching kisses and a very enthusiastic handjob, and Neil decided Lou wasn’t really that much of a bastard after all.

Neil was surprised when Lou opted for a pair of khakis and a light sweater instead of his usual suit, and he took the initiative to dress casually as well.

In a T-shirt and sweats.

“What are you wearing?” Lou blinked in surprise when Neil walked out to join him in the living room.

“A cotton abomination,” supplied Flanders from the floor, where he was trying to catch some early morning sun.

“What?” Neil glanced at his sweats. “Okay, these do not look that bad.”

“Do you not like your new pajamas?” Lou asked.

“They’re great, really, but sometimes you just want…” Neil gestured at his pants.

“A cotton abomination,” Flanders repeated.

“Yes, a very comfortable cotton abomination.”

Myrna came bustling through to deliver a steaming mug of chai to both Lou and Neil, saying, “Well, I think they’re lovely.”

“Thank you, Myrna.” Neil strolled to the couch with his head held high. He sipped his chai as he sat beside Lou. “Seriously, I love all the stuff you got me. I do. But sweats are really comfortable.”

“Your gray ones were a little too tight on me,” Lou said.

“They looked hot on you, is what you mean.”

Lou smooched his forehead. “Mmm, well, thank you, baby.”

“You can borrow them. Literally whenever you want.”

“Noted.”

“So!” Neil drank his chai and smacked his lips. “What’s on the docket for today? More monster wrangling? Cave spelunking with snakes? Setting ourselves on fire?”

Snorting, Lou shook his head. “No. Michel will be coming by here in about ten minutes.  He went back to the river to check for any signs of the ribelli to see if Roland and the Franks missed anything.”

“And?”

“They did.” Lou took a drink from his mug. “Michel’s bringing what he found.”

“Back to hunting bad guy monsters then?” Neil set his mug on the coffee table.

“Yes.” Lou urged Neil to stretch out and put his legs in his lap. He rubbed Neil’s knee as he said, “Now that the plague has been taken care of, my main objective must be preventing another. That means finding the ribelli.”

“Because they might be the assholes causing it.”

Lou nodded. “Even if they’re not, they are vermin that need to be cleansed from the city. They are rash, violent, and put all monsters at risk of exposure.”

“I guess there’s no way to track the plague?”

“What do you mean?”

Neil shrugged. “You know, find patient zero. Figure out how and where the weres are getting sick. You said it only affects them, right? So, logically, couldn’t you figure out what the common things are?”

“We tried.” Lou sighed, squeezing Neil’s leg.

“He even got Francis to help him,” Myrna said. “Quietly, of course. Francis is a very trustworthy fellow and smart as a whip. But he couldn’t find any sort of common thread to link them all together.”

Lou set his mug on the table next to Neil’s. “We made maps, checked work histories, did everything we could think of. Entire apartment complexes would be affected, but then we’d have a family who all lived in the same house and only one person got sick. Literally the only thing that was the same about the victims was that they were weres.”

“Well. That sucks.” Neil frowned.

“The important thing to do now is focus on prevention, namely stopping the ribelli from letting another plague loose. If these last two times are any indication, it will take them about two months.”

“Good.” Neil rubbed Lou’s leg with his foot. “That’s two months to find them and kick their asses.”

“That’s the plan anyway.” Lou rubbed Neil’s foot. “I’m especially interested in finding whoever sabotaged the cereus.”

“Still nothing about the nosy werebear?”

“Not yet.” Lou’s smile was strained. “If I had the full support of the family behind me, I’m sure it would be fairly easy to track the bastard down. That is not a risk I’m willing to take right now.”

“But aren’t you technically risking more weres getting sick?” Neil asked carefully.

Lou’s smile vanished. “I’m very well aware of the risk, including what will happen if my brothers find out that my men have been decimated. They were the first to get sick and the first ones to die before we figured out what was happening. Yes, there is a chance that more lives could be lost if I’m not able to stop the ribelli from releasing another plague, but even more may be lost if one of my brothers takes over my territory. Trust me that they do not look kindly upon all the monsters of this realm.”

“I’m sorry,” Neil soothed. “I didn’t know.”

“I know.” Lou sighed again. “Our family is… complicated.”

Myrna quietly tidied up their mugs to take to the kitchen. Flanders remained as he was, sprawled out in the sunshine and now lightly snoring.

“None of you really seem to like each other that much,” Neil said. “I mean, I know that might be true for a lot of families, but yours in particular.”

“Obviously we’re not related by blood.” Lou leaned his head back and closed his eyes. “We are a family in name only because of a pact signed by monsters hundreds of years ago. The world was getting smaller as humans spread, and we were running out of places to hide. It was decided that we were stronger working together to protect ourselves. We created safe cities where monsters could watch over each other and wouldn’t have to worry about being hunted. We’d take measures to ensure we’d always have control over the authorities to help ourselves if we were ever caught.”

“So, that’s how you guys became gangsters? Trying to help your fellow monster?”

Lou shrugged. “If you want to be able to influence the people in power, you need power too. And money. Lots of it. It’s gotten harder over the years with all the crackdowns on police corruption, so then we started buying judges. Politicians. All that money has to come from somewhere and it’s against the rules to directly manipulate humans. Which is why the family got into other… activities.”

“The illegal kind.”

“You got it, baby.”

“That’s all I need to know.” Neil chuckled. “I mean, I probably didn’t need to know any of this, but thank you. For telling me. For trusting me.”

“Well, you’re my mate.” Lou smiled. “I may not tell you every twisted, sordid detail, but I can promise you that I only hurt people when I have to, I punish those who do wrong, and I try to keep the city safe for both humans and monsters.”

“And you love artisanal ketchup.”

Lou bopped Neil’s stomach with a cactus pillow.

Neil hugged the pillow and grinned.

“Of all my brothers, I’m definitely the kindest.” Lou winked. “And the best looking, obviously.”

“Oh. Obviously.”

“I understand that the rules of the family were created not to stifle a monster’s true nature but to help us avoid detection. Some of my brothers… do not feel that way.”

“Are their names Absolis and Vilanos?”

“That would be them. Fae have a funny relationship with rules. They hate them until they can use them to their advantage, and they will absolutely fuck you in any way they can.” Lou sighed. “As long as I had the Reliquary, I had the power I needed to stand up to them. When I had an army of weres, I wasn’t afraid of Mr. Heiss’s demons. I’m vulnerable now. My people are vulnerable now. They’re vulnerable because I have to worry about my own family.”

“Well, we’re going to figure this out.” Neil threw the cactus pillow back at Lou. “Eventually Buffy has got to get tired of me and will go back to you, so that’s one problem solved, right?”

“I really thought she’d return when she saw the ward.” Lou smiled sadly. “I thought she’d understand that I need her help more than anyone.”

“Well, maybe she knows you’ll still get it no matter what because you’re with me?”

“While that may be true, I can’t keep you in my back pocket forever.” Lou smirked. “As much fun as that might be, I can’t do everything I need to do with you around. You may not be so fond of me then.”

Neil decided to pretend that Lou wasn’t talking about whacking people and said, “Yeah, well, we need to reopen my uncle’s flower shop too. I’m pretty sure he’ll be pretty ticked off with me if the place goes bankrupt while he’s gone.”

“That as well.”

Myrna peeped out from the kitchen. “You know we would protect Neil from any harm! With our very lives!” She paused. “Our ghostly lives!”

“Thank you, Myrna.” Neil grinned.

“I know, and thank you.” Lou nodded to her. “I still have to consider that wearing the Reliquary makes Neil a target, and I don’t think he’d like to rebuild the flower shop every day.”

“No, he would not,” Neil said, “but if we stop the ribello guys, then we won’t have to worry about it, right? I’d be able to go back to work.”

“Perhaps.”

“Well, we still need to come up with something until then. I seriously have to get back to work ASAP. I also kinda miss Izba.”

“I don’t. He’s a very spiteful house.”

“I know. It’s part of why I miss him.”

Myrna tiptoed over. “Not that it’s any of my business, but I do have a suggestion that may help until those awful ribelli are apprehended.”

“What is it?” Lou asked.

“I could enchant the azaleas outside of the shop to repel anyone with ill intent from entering!”

“You can do that?” Neil grinned.

“Of course! Living vessels like plants are wonderful for spells that you want to last. This enchantment could easily safeguard the doors for weeks.”

“What if someone tries to bust through the window?” Lou asked.

“Oh.” Myrna pouted. “Well… I think the magic works best with restricting passage through doorways, but I’m not sure. I can check the spell—”

There was a knock at the door.

“Myrna, would you mind?” Lou asked. “We’ll talk more about the enchantment later.”

“Of course.” Myrna pranced over to the door. “Ah, it’s Michel. Shall I let him in?”

“Please.”

Myrna opened the door to let Michel in, and he hurried over to Lou. His expression was grim, and he said quickly, “Look, boss. I know what this looks like, and I really, really do not want it to be what I think it is. It’s why I didn’t wanna say anything over the phone or even in a text—”

“Michel.” Lou raised his hand. “Please. Just let me see what it is.”

Neil knew he was supposed to be a quiet and doting mate, but he wanted to see the mystery item too. He pulled his legs out of Lou’s lap so he could sit up, watching Michel fumble for something out of his pocket.

“Here.” Michel shoved it into Lou’s hands.

Lou took a second to get a hold of the item, as it was very small, and then he held it toward the windows to get a better look. His eyes widened. “Shit.”

Michel sagged. “That’s what I was afraid of.”

Quiet and doting be damned, Neil wanted to know. “What is it?”

“A dragon scale.” Lou handed it to Neil.

It was surprisingly light, colored an iridescent green, and no bigger than a quarter.

“Huh.” Neil turned it in the light to watch the colors shift. “For some reason, I thought it would be bigger.”

“Trust me. That is a very small one.” Lou plucked it back. “Probably from the tip of her toe or something.”

Michel drooped more. “That’s what it is, isn’t it?”

“I can confirm it.” Lou glanced at his cactus plants and sighed. “Baby, summon the Acrobat.”

Neil recalled how Batty had bounced around the small room at the ward and asked hesitantly, “Are you sure about that?”

Myrna magically had a broom and dustpan in hand as if they’d gone through this before.

“Yes.” Lou nodded.

“Why don’t we go in the bathroom or something?” Neil suggested, swinging his legs off the couch. “Less things for her to break, right? Let’s go in there.”

Michel seemed surprised by Neil taking the initiative, and he glanced warily to Lou.

Remembering his so-called place, Neil resisted rolling his eyes and said sweetly, “I mean, if that’s okay with you, sweetie pie. I really don’t know what I’m talking about and you know best.”

“Go on, baby.” Lou smirked. “I’ll be right behind you.”

Neil was not at all surprised when Lou viciously smacked his ass en route to the bathroom, and he grunted, reaching back to rub the sting out of his cheek. He waited until they were all in the bathroom and Michel had shut the door before he summoned the Acrobat. “Acrobat, spring forth.”

The Acrobat came flying out as wildly as before, pinging from the mirror to the wall. She bounced several times between the bottom of the tub and the ceiling before finally springing out to the top of the shower stall. She peered down at Neil with faint surprise, cooing, “Hi-there! Ho-there! What goes there?”

“Hi, Batty.” Neil waved. “How are you?”

She seemed confused by the question, her eyes spinning as she replied, “I am madly! I am sadly and madly and I am oopsy daisy diddly do! That is how I am!”

“That’s… nice.”

Lou nudged Neil and cleared his throat.

“Can you help us figure out what this is?” Neil offered up the scale.

The Acrobat plucked the scale out of Neil’s hand and shoved her entire hand in her mouth. She said something, but it was impossible to tell what it was. She finally pulled out her hand with a wet pop, and she grinned at Neil. “Oh-ho-ho! This is a rare treat indeed!”

“What is it?”

“A scale of a dragon! Rawr!” Hooking her legs on the stall, she hung upside down and clawed at the air, making roaring sounds. “The dragon says meow! She likes dwarves! Especially ruby ones!”

Lou grimaced.

Michel, who couldn’t hear or see anything that was happening, asked quietly, “So, is it? Or no?”

“It is,” Lou confirmed. “Where did you find it?”

“Down by the old Third Street hub.” Michel shrugged. “Scent was fresh. They hadn’t been gone long, and—”

“Oh! Oh! Oh!” The Acrobat wailed as she fell, melting into a puddle on the floor. Her eyes and the scale remained intact, and she blinked at Neil. “And I smell… flowers!”

Lou held up his hand to silence Michel to keep him from speaking over her.

“Rho!” The Acrobat cackled loudly, which was almost as strange as her speaking considering she didn’t appear to have a mouth at the moment. “Rho! Do! Rho-do doopsy den dronnn!”

“Does that mean anything?” Neil asked Lou as she continued to chant.

“No. Nothing.” Lou snorted. “She’s always been a bit…”

“Batty?”

“You said it. Not me.”

Neil tried to ignore the Acrobat's singsong nonsense, and he kneeled to collect the scale. “Thank you, Batty. Uh, goo—”

“Neil,” Lou warned.

“See you later, alligator.” Neil waved.

The Acrobat launched upward, forming from a puddle of goo into her full human form to boop Neil’s nose. “After a while, crocodile!”

She vanished.

“Huh.” Neil grinned. “Can’t believe that worked.”

“Well, there we have it.” Lou looked to Michel. “It is indeed a dragon scale.”

Neil could feel all the blood in his head drifting away. It was a weird sensation to be conscious of, but Lou did just say the scale was from a dragon and the full weight of that statement was only now registering.

A dragon.

Big, fire-breathing, you shall not pass dragon.

Wait, no, that was the Balrog, not a dragon.

Still.

Fuck.

“Who do you wanna send over to Minnie’s?” Michel asked grimly.

“We’ll all go,” Lou replied. “Me, you, and Roland. Bertie and Logan too.”

“And your mate?”

“Of course.”

Neil was keenly aware that his blood had settled into his feet. It was likely to stay there forever because Lou had said they were going to go with some werewolves and vampires to see a dragon.

“When?” Michel asked.

“Say, for lunch?” Lou grinned. “I seem to recall the Salted Scale having a pretty impressive brisket.”

“You got it, boss.” Michel nodded. “They open at two o’clock—”

“We’ll be there at noon.”

“Yes, boss.” Michel tried for a smile, though it was really more of a grimace. “I’ll let them know.”

“Thank you.”

Michel surprised Neil by giving him a wave. “See you later, Neil.”

“Bye, Michel,” Neil replied numbly.

Feet.

Glued to the floor.

Never leaving this bathroom.

“All right.” Lou took a deep breath. “We’ll need to change if we’re going to see Minnie. It’s a rough spot, but we’ll be there in a very professional capacity. We need a show of strength, which is why Bertie and Logan are going… Are you listening, baby?”

The front door opened and then shut, and Neil still hadn’t moved. “Dragon.”

“What?”

“I’m still stuck on the dragon.”

“Come on, baby. You’ll be fine. Yes, Minnie Moore is a dragon, but she’s very tame.”

“What are the chances of being eaten?”

“Slim.”

“But that’s not none.”

Lou kissed his forehead. “I promise I will use all of my considerable power to make sure you’re not eaten. How’s that?”

“Just know if you fail, I will haunt the fuck out of you.”

“I wouldn’t expect anything less.”

* * *

Lou wore a black on black pinstripe suit with a Baja cactus blossom on his lapel. It was a striking shade of red and freshly picked from a cactus named Blastie. He instructed Neil to wear a gray suit, and he pinned a yellow flower from a Fairy Castle cactus named Tinkerbell on his. As Lou added final touches, like diamond cuff links and a spritz of earthy cologne, Neil likened the process to donning armor for battle.

The show of strength Lou had mentioned wasn’t of the brute variety. It was in class, wealth, and detailed refinement.

Maybe that was more impressive to a dragon.

Neil certainly hoped so, especially considering last he checked there was nothing in the Reliquary that could take on fucking Smaug.

Lou attempted to continue comforting Neil, but it didn’t help much. Neil was sweating buckets by the time they parked in the gravel lot of the Salted Scale. It was a dive bar right off the interstate just outside of Somerstown and directly across the street from Cafe Risqué, a questionable hot pink building that promised topless women and prime rib lunches. The Salted Scale’s teal exterior was almost demure in comparison.

Judging by the old pumps, it had once been a gas station. It was covered in old road signs, vintage advertisements, and thick white azaleas were bunched around the pumps. The walls inside were decorated with more signs, hubcaps, clocks, and other odds and ends that ate up every free inch of space. Some of the collection had made its way onto the ceiling, nailed in place around the light fixtures. None of the tables and chairs matched and whether or not any of the dozen jukeboxes worked was questionable.

The door had been unlocked, though there didn’t appear to be anyone here. Lou had come in first with Neil at his side, Michel and Roland right behind him. Dagobert and Logan were next, though Logan took a moment to come in because he was busy fighting with a big umbrella that he’d brought with him.

He smiled sheepishly when he finally made it inside, peering over his sunglasses as he said, “Sorry about that. Can’t be too careful. Baby vampire problems.”

Dagobert sighed loudly.

Lou tapped the bar.

A Black woman with long gray locs tucked into a green bandana suddenly appeared. She was wearing a leather vest that was also green, and Neil had to swallow back the wild urge to laugh.

Because of course she was wearing green.

Green.

Because she was a dragon.

“Why, Mr. Morénas-Mostro!” the woman purred, her voice as rough as the parking lot outside. “What a delightful surprise.”

“Hello, Miss Moore.” Lou smiled.

Minnie leaned forward, eyeing the others standing behind Lou. “You brought company.”

“I did.”

“I take it this is not a social call.”

“It is not. But I hope it is friendly nonetheless.”

“I hope so too.” Minnie’s gaze settled on Neil. “Look at that! A human!” She grinned. “I’d heard the rumors, but I didn’t believe it. Imagine that. Lou-Lou mated with a human.”

“I just told you this is not a social call,” Lou warned.

“But you did say you hoped to be friendly. And I would like to be friendly.” Minnie’s voice dropped lower still, rumbling like she smoked five packs of cigarettes a day.

Or like she breathed too much fire.

“Have a seat.” Minnie was speaking to Neil, smacking the bar in front of her. “Stay a while.”

Neil glanced to Lou, waiting for him to nod before he sat down on a creaky barstool.

“What would you like to drink?” Minnie asked. “My treat.”

Neil gulped. “Uh…”

“You look like you need something that’ll put some hair on your chest. Four Horsemen it is.”

Neil was about to ask what that was, but there was suddenly a glass with ice and a dark brown liquid in front of him. “Uh, thank you very much.” He raised it for a cursory sniff, but all he could discern was that it was alcohol.

And a lot of it.

“Equal parts Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Johnnie Walker, and Jose Cuervo.” Minnie winked. “With a splash of ginger beer. Enjoy.”

“Thank you.” Neil sipped it, and he had to make a courageous effort to not grimace because it was probably the worst thing he’d ever had in his mouth.

“So!” Minne beamed as if she knew exactly how nasty it was. “How can I help you, gentlemen? I’ve heard some troubling rumors that someone snuck a unicorn into the city.”

“I need to talk to you about the ribelli,” Lou said calmly. “If you’d be so kind, Miss Moore.”

“Do you want a drink?” Minnie asked.

“No, thank you.”

“What about your other men?”

Michel scowled, but Roland was polite enough to say, “No, but thanks a lot, Miss Moore. I appreciate that.”

Minnie’s eyes flicked over Dagobert and Logan. “I do have some O positive if you’d be interested.”

“Yes, please!” Logan gushed eagerly. “I am starving. I never stay up this late, and I am so tired and hungry and—”

Dagobert elbowed him.

Logan cowered. “Right. Sorry.”

Neil wondered if he could fashion a stake out of the rickety bar stool he was sitting on. Probably not before Logan ate him, but he’d make a damn good try of it if he had to.

Minnie grinned. “So, is that a yes or a no?”

Logan pouted at Dagobert.

Dagobert scowled, grumbling, “A yes. Just one, please.”

Neil consciously leaned closer to Lou when Logan approached to claim the martini glass full of blood that had appeared. He kept his eyes forward so he wouldn’t have to deal with the visual of Logan drinking it, though the mere thought made him shudder.

“Thank you for your hospitality. Now.” Lou forced a polite smile. “I want to talk about the ribelli.”

“What about them?” Minnie batted her eyes.

“They’re a threat to every monster in the city, and—”

“Not to me.” Minnie smirked.

Neil kept drinking.

“I need to know if you’ve been hosting any of their ilk here,” Lou continued. “Perhaps selling any of your scales?”

“I haven’t—”

Lou dropped the scale on the bar.

The floorboards creaked, as if something very large was moving beneath them.

Neil drank more because, wow, that wasn’t terrifying at all.

“I don’t sell my scales.” Minnie’s eyes turned black. “It was stolen.”

“Are you sure about that?” Lou challenged.

“Yes.” Minnie glared.

“And who managed to steal a scale from the great Minnie Moore?”

“Some wretched human.” Minnie glanced at Neil. “No offense.”

“Uh, none taken,” Neil said.

“He used to come in here a lot with his brothers,” Minnie went. “They were always at it trying to recruit people to work for them, humans and monsters both. Never said exactly what the work was, but they swore the money was beyond anything anyone had ever seen. He liked to be here until closing, night after night, until one night he finally made his move, the little shit. He clogged up the men’s toilet and while I was dealing with that, he snuck down into the cellar and snatched a scale from the tip of my tail.”

Dust fell from the ceiling as whatever was under the floorboards shifted again, and the entire building trembled. Neil thought that Minnie simply changed her shape to hide what she was like some of the other monsters he’d seen, but now he wasn’t so sure.

There might actually be a full-sized giant ass dragon down there.

“I haven’t seen him or his so-called family since.” Minnie snorted. “If you want the person who took my scale, that’s who you need to go find. I don’t know anything about the ribelli, but I’d be very happy if you caught that little thief.”

“Name?” Lou asked. “And where?”

“Smith. Liam Smith. His brothers were all Smiths too. They told anyone who wanted to work to report to their office downtown. On the third floor of some flower shop.”

Neil froze. “Flower shop?”

“Never been there myself, but I believe it’s called… Uranian Flora.”

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Do you know it?” Minnie asked.

“That we do.” Lou squeezed Neil’s shoulder. “Thank you so much for your help, Miss Moore. Always a pleasure.”

“Sorry I couldn’t help more.” Minnie shrugged. “I suspect that you’ll find what you’re looking for over there though.”

“Thank you.”

Neil tipped back his glass to swallow the last of the awful concoction. He grimaced when Logan deposited his empty bloody glass on the bar next to him. Neil reached over to grab Lou’s arm. “Does this mean we’re going?”

“Yes, baby.” Lou dropped a chaste kiss in Neil’s hair.

Minnie waved. “Happy hunting, gentlemen!”

Lou led the charge back outside, not speaking again until they were all clustered beside his truck. Logan opened his umbrella, trying to cower from the sun, while Dagobert put on a pair of big sunglasses. Lou waited for them to appear comfortable before saying quietly, “This feels a little too convenient, doesn’t it?”

“No shit,” Neil muttered.

Lou smacked his ass.

“Ow!” Neil rubbed his butt.

“My mouthy mate is right,” Lou said. “It cannot be a coincidence that the Smith family is pushing drugs and trying to recruit monsters.”

“And stealing a scale from a dragon,” Roland noted.

“You think they’re mixed up with the ribelli?” Michel asked with a frown.

“Or they are the ribelli, hiding in plain sight,” Lou replied. “We need to handle this cautiously. We have no idea what might be waiting for us.”

“At your mate’s flower shop.” Michel narrowed his eyes at Neil. “Speaking of coincidences.”

“And?”

“Nothing, sir.” Michel looked away.

“If he’s not gonna say anything, I will.” Roland stood up tall. “You lose the Reliquary to a human right when we need it most for the cure, the ribelli attack the two of you publicly almost back to back, and now the drug dealers we’ve been looking for are at his flower shop? The same drug dealers who might actually be the ribelli—”

“That’s enough.” Lou’s voice carried a growl. It was definitely a warning.

“Neil, I’m very sorry, but you have to understand this looks really bad.” Roland’s frown deepened. “Like, really fuckin’ bad.”

Neil gave a thumbs-up. “No worries, big guy.”

“What it looks like is that you’re questioning my judgment,” Lou snapped. “Neil is my mate. The end. Whatever is going on here is certainly suspect, but not him. Why don’t we talk about how you two—” He glared at Michel before returning his wrath to Roland. “—haven’t been able to find anything about who sabotaged the cereus?”

“Hey!” Michel protested. “It’s not our fault dozens of monsters come through the ward and any one of them could have—”

“Enough!” Lou barked. “You will both go back to the ward right now, and don’t stop looking until you find something useful. Get out of my sight.”

“But sir—” Roland tried to argue.

“I have nothing else to say to you.” Lou narrowed his eyes. “You already disappointed me by failing to find that dragon scale. Do not let it happen again.”

Roland was clearly furious, and a faint glimmer of orange fur arose over his cheeks. He nodded stiffly. “Yes, sir.”

Michel reached up to touch Roland’s shoulder, but Roland jerked away.

Lou watched Roland stomp off toward his vehicle, telling Michel quietly, “Keep an eye on him.”

“Yes, sir.” Michel didn’t ask for any further clarification. “You sure you’ll be okay going over there without us?”

“I’ll be fine.” Lou smirked. “Bertie and Logan are coming with us.”

Dagobert made a face that said otherwise, but he stayed silent.

“All right, boss.” Michel nodded obediently. “We’ll check in later if we—”

“When you,” Lou corrected.

“Yes, boss. When we find something.” Michel cleared his throat. “I’ll call you.”

Lou said nothing, but he watched Michel as he walked back to the car where Roland was waiting in the driver’s seat. Lou put his arm around Neil’s shoulders, hugging him close and nuzzling his hair.

Neil was surprised by the affection, but he leaned against Lou’s chest. “So. What now? Are we really going with…” The pair of bloodsucking fiends from Hell? “...them?”

“Are you?” Dagobert echoed curtly.

“Cool, let’s go.” Logan yawned. “I mean, I’m game. I think.”

Lou shook his head. “No, it’s all right. I have something else for you to do.”

“What?” Dagobert asked.

“Follow them.”

“Oh, it’s like that, is it?” Dagobert flashed a toothy smile.

“It is, I’m afraid.” Lou’s brow furrowed. “Something is wrong.”

“All right. Let me put my little one to bed.” Dagobert nodded at Logan. “Then I’ll go.”

“Is that me?” Logan grinned.

“That’s you.”

“Good.” Logan sighed in relief. “Because I’m about to pass out—”

Dagobert and Logan vanished, umbrella and all, in a puff of gray smoke.

Neil jerked. “Fuck! Fuckin’ vampires!”

Lou chuckled. “Sorry about that. I should have warned you.”

“No shit!” Neil glared, but his anger was short-lived when he realized how distressed Lou was.

Even though Lou was smiling, his forehead remained firmly wrinkled as he helped Neil up into the truck. Neil waited until they pulled out of the Salted Scale’s gravel lot to ask, “So. What’s wrong?”

“What? Nothing, baby.”

“You are so full of shit.”

“Is that any way to speak to your mate?”

“I don’t know, but it’s how I talk to my boyfriend when he’s full of shit.” Neil reached for Lou’s hand. “What is it?”

Lou’s shoulders sagged. “I think my men are lying to me, and I don’t know why.”

“What makes you think that?”

“Roland missing the dragon scale is very unusual. He and Michel are both werewolves with extremely powerful senses of smell, and a dragon’s scent is impossible to miss. Even on something as small as a single scale. I don’t understand how he missed it unless he was being sloppy or…”

“Or?”

“He missed it on purpose.”

“On purpose?” Neil frowned. “Oh! I get it now. Like he was trying to cover up what was happening with the Smith people, so he just, oops, didn’t find it.”

“Yes.”

“And when Michel went back to look again, he found it.”

“Yes.”

“What if Michel planted it or something to make Roland look bad? Is that a thing?”

“Also possible.” Lou shrugged. “They’ve both always been loyal, and it’s hard to consider that one of them is the traitor. But it is something I have to do. It’s why I sent Dagobert to follow them and make sure my fears are unfounded.”

“What if Dagobert is the traitor?”

“You’re only saying that because he’s a vampire.”

“You should at least think about it.”

“I trust Bertie with my life. If he wasn’t a vampire, he’d be my second. He’s literally served the family for centuries.”

“Ah! Which is why he’d be a good traitor. No one would suspect him.”

“No.”

“Fine. But won’t they notice him creeping around? He kinda sticks out… or is he gonna do that smoke thing?”

“Smoke thing.”

“What about me? You never considered I might be the traitor?”

“Not even for a minute, baby.” Lou winked. “The Reliquary chose you. You might be the one person I know I can trust fully.”

“Me and the vampire.”

“Yes.”

Neil glanced out the window. “And we’re what? Are we going back to the flower shop to fight drug dealers who might also be reuben monsters?”

“Yes.” Lou cracked a little smile. “We have more than enough firepower to handle whatever’s hiding there.”

“But could we fight a dragon?”

Lou laughed. “Yes, if we really had to.”

Neil was curious which spirit was capable of taking down a dragon, but he assumed it was one he hadn’t met yet. Instead of asking about that, he chose to press on. “So, we’re either about to confront a bunch of human drug dealers, monster drug dealers, or both?”

Lou nodded. “Minnie wouldn’t steer us wrong. She knows more than she’s letting on.”

“You think so?”

“I know so. Dragons hoard whatever they consider to be valuable. Minnie loves her roadside junk, but she also likes information. Instead of giving us everything she knows, she gave us just enough to figure out what to do next.”

“Couldn’t you make her talk? What happened to hey, tell us what you know or you’re gonna sleep with the fishes?”

“She is a dragon.”

“Thought you said we could fight one if we had to.”

“We could, but I’d rather not, baby.” Lou reached over to squeeze Neil’s thigh.

“She’s totally under that bar, isn’t she?”

“That she is. What you see is a magical projection she created to interact with the world.”

“She can’t just change into a human shaped thing?”

“You’d have to ask her, but I wouldn’t if I were you. Minnie is very particular about what she shares about herself. To be honest, you probably know as much about dragons as I do. They are very old, very powerful, very rare, and very secretive. It’s considered an honor to have one nest in your city, so we do try to keep her happy.”

“And happy means not asking lots of questions?”

“Yes.”

“Good thing you’re not a dragon because I have a ton more.”

Lou laughed. “Oh? Such as?”

“What’s for lunch?”

* * *

Neil didn’t like the idea of running headfirst into certain danger of either the drug dealer, bad monster, or drug dealer bad monster variety, but he especially did not like the idea of doing any of it on an empty stomach. Lou complained about the abysmal quality of fast food, but he still took Neil to the nearest drive-through to get something to eat.

Neil then showed Lou the wonders of dipping french fries into a chocolate milkshake. Lou initially balked, but he ended up eating half of Neil’s fries that way.

They headed to the flower shop after that, and now it was Lou’s turn to ask Neil a litany of questions.

“Do you know anything about your upstairs neighbors?” Lou parked in front of the shop, but he made no move to leave the truck yet. “Anything at all?”

“Not really.” Neil shrugged. “I’ve never seen anyone. The whole third floor is rented out as some sort of office deal? That’s what Uncle Shiloh told me anyway. There’s a service elevator around the back that they use to come and go.”

“You’ve never noticed any strange cars? Big trucks? Nothing out of the ordinary?”

“Cars? What? No. Nothing.” Neil frowned. “Like I said, they use that service elevator, and I have literally never seen them.” He paused for a moment. “I do hear them though.”

“Hear them doing what?”

“I don’t know! They’re always stomping around up there. Sometimes it goes all night long and into the damn morning. I can’t say if the nature of the stomping is more drug dealer or monster though.”

Lou huffed. “Can you say anything helpful?”

“Hi, my name is Neil. I’m a Leo. I like Crocs, tiramisu, and big cuddly werewolves whose faces look like a shar-pei when they’re grumpy.”

Lou did not laugh.

“What? That was funny.”

“Let’s go see if the spiteful house knows anything.”

“Fine. Also, sidebar. Can we get some more tiramisu later? Because that was some good shit.”

“Later, baby.”

Lou got out of the truck and came around to open Neil’s door for him. He took his hand as they headed to the front door, and Neil flinched in surprise as it unlocked and swung open on its own. They stepped inside and the menu clattered loudly as the letters moved around in a wild frenzy.

NEIL! YOU HAVE RETURNED! :D :D :D

“Hey, Izba!” Neil waved.

I HAVE MISSED YOU

IT IS SO GOOD TO SEE YOU!

“It’s good to see you too!” Neil laughed as the floorboards gently rippled under his feet. He walked up to the counter to give it a friendly pat. He wasn’t exactly sure how else to greet a magical house. “How are you? How is everything?”

FINE! ARE WE GOING TO OPEN AGAIN SOON? :)

“No,” Lou replied curtly. “We’re here on family business. I need you to tell me everything you know about the people who rent the third floor.”

HMM THAT’S SO STRANGE…

“What?” Neil asked.

IT’S LIKE I HEAR SOMEONE TALKING BUT THEY DIDN’T SAY PLEASE

IT’S JUST SO ODD!

Neil couldn’t help but snicker.

>:)

Lou scowled.

“Please, Izba.” Neil cleared his throat. “It’s a long story, but the short version is that there might be really bad people up there. Like, really, really bad.”

HOLD PLEASE

“Uh, okay.”

The letters stopped moving.

“What is he doing?” Lou asked slowly.

“I have no idea.” Neil shrugged. “House things?”

Lou walked up behind Neil to rub his shoulders. “Spiteful house things, you mean.”

“Shush.” Neil grinned. “He’s nice to me.”

“Hmmph.” Lou sounded like his forehead was still wrinkly.

Neil turned around to face Lou so he could kiss him. “Hey, it’s gonna be all right, you know. We’re gonna figure this out and go beat their butts or whatever.”

“Are we now?” Lou’s eyes crinkled as he smiled.

“Well, you and whoever I call out from the Reliquary.” Neil cupped Lou’s cheek. “But seriously. We’ve come this far, right?”

Lou kissed Neil’s forehead. “That we have, baby.”

The menu stirred to life again, signaling Izba’s return.

THERE ARE THREE HUMANS UP THERE DOING SOMETHING WITH TINY PILLS

“Humans?” Lou frowned. “Are you sure?”

VERY

“Pills? What are they doing?” Neil asked.

I DO NOT KNOW

PERHAPS MAKING MEDICINE?

“Have they been up to… uh… anything else weird or very likely illegal?”

I’M SORRY BUT YOUR UNCLE INSTRUCTED ME TO ALWAYS GIVE THE THIRD FLOOR TENANTS THEIR PRIVACY :(

“So, you can’t see what they’re doing?”

OF COURSE I CAN SEE

I JUST CLOSE MY EYES IN THAT PART OF THE HOUSE WHEN THERE’S PEOPLE PRESENT

PRIVACY IS VERY IMPORTANT >:(

“Yes, sorry.” Neil grinned sheepishly. He suddenly felt much better about Izba not knowing how the bedroom wall got broken. He pushed the thought out of his head, asking now, “Any chance you can back us up when we go up to say hello?”

BACK YOU UP?

“These humans may be very dangerous,” Lou explained. “They might be working for the ribelli or be ribelli themselves in disguise. Either way, they are potentially responsible for an influx of a new drug hitting the streets and we are going to have a lot of questions for them.”

I AM FAIRLY CERTAIN THEY’RE HUMAN BUT THERE’S ONLY ONE NOW

“Wait, what happened to the other two?”

PATRICK AND HERB

THEY’RE GOING TO GET MILKSHAKES AND BRING ONE BACK FOR SAMUEL

THEY SEEM NICE!

Lou growled. “Why didn’t you stop them?”

HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW I NEEDED TO DO THAT? >:(

“We just told you that we needed to talk to them!”

The floor beneath Lou jerked.

Lou was able to keep his balance, but he scowled.

“Down, boy.” Neil rubbed Lou’s chest. “Look, one is fine, right? One is good! We can walk around back and head right up to have a little chat. Izba, can you please make sure Sam’s buddies can’t get in until we’re done talking to him?”

OF COURSE, NEIL

“Thank you.” Neil took a deep breath. “Okie dokie! Let’s go!”

Neil headed out the front door, showing Lou the way around the greenhouse to the back of the building. Neil never had much reason to come here except to take out the trash, and there wasn’t much to see. There were some dumpsters, an old mattress, a few parking spaces, and that was about it. The back door opened as they approached.

As soon as they stepped through, the elevator was immediately in front of them. There were no other doors or even windows, and the tiny room was rather dismal compared to the rest of Izba’s colorful interior.

Neil reached to push the up button for the elevator, but it was already opening for them. “Thanks, Izba!”

Inside the elevator, the grain of the faux wood paneling morphed into words:

YOU’RE WELCOME NEIL

Lou followed Neil inside, and the elevator doors shut rather quickly, almost as if Izba had been trying to catch Lou in them. Lou glared at the elevator wall.

The wall seemed to glare back.

The only buttons for the elevator were for the first floor and the third, and the third button lit up as the elevator ascended. When the doors opened, it revealed a large room full of desks tucked into cubicles, a water cooler, and two long tables…

Stacked high with laboratory equipment, big crates of pill bottles, and protective eye goggles.

There was a middle-aged man sitting at the end of one of the tables with a pair of goggles strapped to his head, but he didn’t look up from his work. He had several pills on a ceramic plate in front of him, dispensing a liquid from a tiny dropper onto each one. “Hey! That was fast.”

“Missed the lunch rush,” Lou rumbled in his deepest voice.

“Huh?” The man whirled around, staring stupidly at Lou and Neil.

“Hello, Samuel.”

“Uh, hi?” Samuel blinked. “How do you know my name?”

“We know a great deal about you, Samuel. You, Patrick, and Herb.” Lou sat down right next to Samuel. “You work for the Smiths, don’t you?”

Samuel paled. “Uh, uh, uh, who?”

“Come on now.” Lou smiled. “If you answer my questions, I promise this will be much easier for you.”

The floor trembled as if to punctuate Lou’s sentence.

Samuel flinched, and his eyes widened. “L-look! I just work here, okay? Quality control! That’s it!” He set the dropper down so he could take off his goggles. “I needed a job, all right? I swear! That’s it!”

“Tell me everything,” Lou said firmly.

“There’s nothing else to tell! I don’t even know what we’re making! They just pay me to—”

“Quality control. Right.” Lou reached into his jacket to pull out his gun. He aimed it right at Samuel’s head. “Let’s try this again, shall we?”

“No way.” Samuel trembled, but he held his head high. “You’re gonna have to kill me. That’s what they’ll do if they know I talked!”

“I will not hesitate to blow your brains out right this very second—”

“Then do it!” Samuel gritted his teeth. “I can’t tell you! I fuckin’ can’t!”

Lou seemed to think it over for a moment, and Neil sighed in relief when Lou lowered the gun. Lou stood up, walking over to Neil as he said, “You need to summon the Romantic. Right now.”

“The who now?”

“The Romantic,” Lou said firmly.

“They’re a spirit who has the ability to bewitch someone,” Myrna said, popping out from behind Lou. “They can make just about anyone fall in love with them and force them to do their bidding.”

“How do I summon him?”

“Them,” Lou corrected.

“Okay, how do I summon them?”

“You say, love is in the air, how Romantic.”

“Just know that they’re a big flirt,” Myrna warned. “It’s a bit insincere since they flirt with pretty much everyone, but just so you know.”

“Okay.” Neil nodded. “Got it.”

“Are you guys gonna leave?” Samuel asked worriedly. “I mean, I don’t want to call the cops for obvious reasons, but uh…”

Neil ignored him. “Love is in the air, how Romantic.”

The Romantic appeared instantly, towering over Neil with a soft purr. “Oh, hello, new master.”

“Wow,” Neil squeaked. “Hey there.”

The Romantic was a tall androgynous figure dressed in a black floor-length gown with a high collar and elaborate flared shoulders made of long black feathers. A black corset made from a large rib cage squeezed their torso into an unnaturally narrow shape, and the gown beneath it covered their skin completely. The silky fabric gloved their hands and ran up their slender neck, stopping just under the chin of their first face.

Yes, the first one, because they had more than one.

They had at least a dozen heads arranged like a bunch of grapes. Each face was covered by a white porcelain mask painted with a different expression. It was impossible to make out what the masks were hiding, and all Neil could see were small glimpses of bright eyes and slick, shiny red skin.

All of the Romantic’s many eyes focused on Neil, and they said, “How very beautiful you are, master.” They extended their hand as if to caress Neil’s cheek, and Neil could see now that each finger of the gloves was decorated with a long glittering black nail. “Tell me. How can I be of service?”

Neil retreated to Lou’s side, saying, “I need you to make that guy over there talk. Please. Pretty please. And thank you.”

“As you wish, master.” The Romantic’s rib cage on their corset cracked right down the middle of the sternum.

It was then Neil realized the ribs were an organic part of the Romantic’s body and not just for decoration. Both sides of ribs flared open to reveal the open cavity of the Romantic’s chest, inside of which was nothing but a heart.

A floating, glowing, dripping, pulsing human heart.

The heart glowed brighter, and Samuel screamed.

Neil could relate, having just been a screaming mess himself a few days ago when he’d first learned monsters were real.

“What the fuck is that? Holy shit! Holy shit!” Samuel scrambled out of his chair, hitting the floor hard. “The fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck!”

The Romantic touched the floating heart and then pointed at Samuel. “You.”

The simple word made Samuel moan, and he slowly got up to his knees. He crawled forward, not stopping until he was in reach of the Romantic to take their hand. He peppered it with kisses, gushing, “Look at you. God, you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Please. Let’s make love. Right here. Right now.”

Neil grimaced.

Well, it was better than screaming.

“Later, my love,” the Romantic purred. “Tell my master what he needs to know first.”

“Of course, sweetie.” Samuel smiled dreamily and looked at Neil. “What, uh, what did you want to know again?”

“What are you doing here?” Neil asked. “The truth.”

“I got recruited by Liam Smith over at the Salted Scale,” Samuel replied. “I’d just lost my job and was trying to lose myself in a few pints, you know? He said with my background as a lab tech that I’d be perfect. I didn’t know what I was getting into, not really, but the money was so damn good. I know it’s wrong, I do, but I can’t quit now. They’ll kill me if I do. My family too.”

“Ask him about the ribelli,” Lou ordered. “Does he know anything about the monsters?”

The Romantic batted their eyes at Lou.

Lou sighed. “Neil?”

“Could you please ask Samuel about the robe-lies and if he knows anything about monsters?” Neil asked the Romantic.

The Romantic smirked and then addressed Samuel again. “My love, please tell us anything you know about the ribelli or any other monsters.”

“Monsters? I’m not sure, sweetie.” Samuel’s face scrunched up. “Well, I’ve heard Liam talking about some weird stuff on the phone sometimes when I’m out on my smoke break. He and some guy, I guess it’s the same one, are planning to push this new drug south of the river. They want to get some big fancy family in trouble so they’ll lose their support with the police. It’s all super sketchy.”

Lou gritted his teeth.

Definitely his big fancy family.

“Liam got in trouble because the drug isn’t moving fast enough,” Samuel went on. “He told the guy that he promises he will absolutely ruin the city if they give him more time. I’ve been working late and sleeping here trying to keep up with the volume Liam wants. It’s insane. I get kinda scared thinking about what Liam will do if he gets what he wants. When he doesn’t need me anymore, I’m pretty sure he’ll kill me anyway. Probably Patrick and Herb too.”

“Fear not, love,” the Romantic cooed, stroking Samuel’s cheek. “I’ll keep you safe. Now, is there anything else you can think of that might be helpful?”

“Well.” Samuel paused. “The next delivery is supposed to be at the docks this Friday. The drug comes in on this boat called the Happy Snapper. It gets delivered here, we cut it down into pills, and then Liam takes the finished product to whoever to get it out on the streets.”

“And he really knows nothing about the ribelli?” Lou asked.

Neil was tired of repeating everything like a parrot, and he gestured expectantly at the Romantic.

The Romantic rolled their many eyes. “And tell me, sweetie. You truly know nothing of the ribelli? Nothing about monsters at all?”

“Monsters?” Samuel frowned. “No, but… Liam did say something about what a pain in the ass it was to feed a unicorn.”

Lou’s eyes widened.

“A unicorn?” Neil scoffed. “Seriously?”

“Well, there you have it.” The Romantic petted Samuel’s hair. “Anything else, master?”

“No. Thank you. Uh, can you tell him to just, like… forget we were here and take a nap or something?”

“Of course.” The Romantic beamed at Samuel. “You will forget my master or any of us were here. And look at that, sweetie. You’re so tired! You go on and take a nap now.”

“Oh… okay. Yeah, I’m really…” Samuel didn’t even finish speaking, his eyes already fluttering closed as he curled up on the floor in a ball.

The Romantic’s rib cage closed back up, and they asked, “Do you require anything else of me, master? I’m quite the expert in carnal delights.”

“Thanks, but I’m full up on those.” Neil blushed. “You, uh, have a nice day now.”

The Romantic chuckled softly. “As you wish, master.”

Once the Romantic was gone, Neil turned to Lou. “Okay, what the hell do we do now? Because none of that sounds good. These Smith guys are actively working to get the monsters in trouble with the cops or whatever? Maybe Sammy boy over here doesn’t know the real deal, but it sure seems like the Smiths do!”

“It’s all right.” Lou brought Neil in for a quick hug. “Don’t worry about it, baby. I’m going to handle this.”

“Handle it how?”

“Well, we can’t do much until Friday if we’re going to wait for that boat to come in and catch them in the act…”

“So? What do we do until then? Go unicorn hunting?” Neil laughed, but then he frowned when he saw how Lou was grimacing. “Wait, how bad can a unicorn be?”

“Very.”

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Lou was on his phone the second they exited the elevator, speaking hurriedly as he followed Neil back around the building into the flower shop. “Get everyone ready to go by this Friday. No, I’m not fucking joking. Everyone. We have work to do.”

Neil went to his familiar perch behind the counter, hanging his head with a sigh.

Myrna materialized beside him with a steaming mug. “Tea, darling?”

“Thank you, Myrna.” Neil accepted the mug.

The menu clattered loudly, and Neil turned to look up and read Izba’s message.

YOU KNOW I COULD SIMPLY LOCK THOSE MEN OUT OF THE BUILDING YES?

“Right, but I don’t think that’s really gonna help.” Neil smiled. “I mean, they’d probably just find somewhere else to make their stupid pills or whatever.”

Lou hung up his phone and put it back in his pocket. “What now?”

“Izba was saying he could lock those guys out of the building.”

“While I appreciate the spiteful house’s suggestion, they probably have more than one location. For the level of distribution that I suspect they’re trying to obtain, they would need several.”

“That too.” Neil sipped his tea. “Why don’t we just wait for Liam Smith or whoever to show up and use the Romantic on him? Better yet, why don’t you use the Romantic on Michel and Roland? Then you’d know if one of them was lying to you.”

“The Romantic’s powers are not as effective on monsters. There’s a chance it would not work, and they’d be fully aware of what I tried to do.”

“Yeah, they probably wouldn’t like that, would they?”

“No.” Lou rubbed his forehead. “They would not.”

WHAT HAPPENS NOW? NEIL, ARE YOU GOING TO LEAVE AGAIN?

“That’s a great question!” Neil eyeballed Lou. “Am I leaving?”

“Yes,” Lou replied. “I promise that you’ll be able to open the shop again soon, but this needs to be handled first.” He kept rubbing as if he was trying to dig into his brain. “The Smiths are clearly in league with the ribelli or are ribelli themselves. While I doubt they will show up to accept the boat’s delivery personally, it presents the opportunity to destroy the product and seize their men.”

“Do you want me to come with you? I could use the Romantic to make those guys talk.”

“No, it’s all right. Dagobert will be coming with us.”

Neil shuddered. “Vampire mind trickery?”

“Yes.” Lou smirked. “He can put humans under his thrall and extract information just as the Romantic can. If they know anything about their bosses, we’ll find out.”

“Okay, but question.” Neil pointed up. “Are we really gonna let a drug lab operate in my uncle’s flower shop? Shouldn’t we do something about that?”

“Yes, and we will. But not yet.” Lou shook his head. “I don’t want the Smiths or anyone else to suspect that we’re aware of their operation. Once we get a hold of the product on Friday, we will give the police a nice juicy tip so they can enjoy the glory and do the work of shutting them down for us.”

Neil spun around in his stool. “So! What now?”

Lou shrugged.

“More waiting?”

“Michel and Roland have found nothing at the ward. There are multiple imprint logs missing that the staff cannot account for. Naturally, the log for the night that the cereus was tampered with are amongst them. So, it’s a dead end.”

“Well, that sucks.”

“Very much.” Lou went back to massaging his forehead. “Whenever I find whoever did it and the rest of the ribelli, I am going to tear them into very tiny, very small, bite-sized pieces.”

“And then Flanders can set them on fire.”

Lou smiled a little.

“Should we let your brothers know what’s happening with the drug stuff?” Neil asked carefully.

“No.” Lou approached the counter. “I believe we can still handle this without the rest of the family. There’s no need to involve them. Yet.”

“Does this mean Minnie knows about the drugs? Since she’s the one who dropped the big ol’ hint for us to check here?”

“Yes, I imagine so. She knows as well as the rest of us that the support of the authorities is an unfortunate necessity. While the police are willing to look the other way and allow some crime to flourish, they will be looking for someone to blame if the city falls victim to a new drug epidemic.”

“And that someone would be you?”

“It is happening in my territory, so yes. If not me, one of my men or someone close to me. It’s a delicate game balancing the secrets of monsters plus the secrets of an organized crime family.”

“Like Monopoly.”

“No. It’s nothing like Monopoly.”

“Do not pass go, do not reveal that you’re really a werewolf? Kinda sounds like Monopoly to me.”

Lou laughed, and it was a welcome sound. He smiled brightly, teasing, “You’re insane.”

“A little bit.” Neil reached for Lou’s hand across the counter. “Wanna go back to your place and screw around?”

Lou laughed again. “And they say romance is dead.”

“Hey, just trying to think of something constructive to do with our time. You won’t let me open the shop back up and there will be no gangster activities until Friday so that doesn’t leave us with that many things to do.”

Lou kissed Neil’s hand. “While that is a very tempting offer, I am going to take you back home for now. I need to go out.”

“Wait, without me?”

“The Byron Tower is the safest place in the city,” Lou said firmly. “I should only be gone for a few hours, and—”

“Why don’t you just leave me here with Izba?”

WE COULD HAVE A MOVIE NIGHT! :D :D :D

“No,” Lou said flatly. “There’s nowhere else I’m willing to leave Neil alone.”

I CAN PROTECT NEIL AND THEN WE CAN HAVE A MOVIE NIGHT

“Really? Like you protected him from those werewolves the other day?”

I WAS ABOUT TO RENDER THEM INTO UNIDENTIFIABLE SCRAPS OF VISCERA BEFORE YOU SHOWED UP!

“Absolutely not.”

WOULD YOU LIKE A DEMONSTRATION?

“Izba, hey, hey, it’s okay.” Neil rubbed the countertop, hoping it was soothing. “We’ll figure it out, all right? We gotta make sure these eboli jerks are taken care of before I try to come back. Myrna was gonna try some stuff with the azaleas or whatever—”

“Which I can absolutely still perform!” Myrna piped up.

“Please accept my apologies, Myrna, but that’s simply not enough,” Lou said firmly. “I want to make sure Neil is safe. He’s… well…”

“Your gorgeous boyfriend with an ass that won’t quit?” Neil grinned.

“Yes, and I need to know you’re safe.”

“I understand.” Myrna pouted. “My feelings are hurt, I am very disappointed, but I understand. I guess.” She sniffed. “If that’s really how you feel.”

“I’m sorry, but—” Lou tried.

“It’s fine!” Myrna’s voice was a roar, an unnatural snarl that she’d never once uttered before. It must have surprised her too because she clasped her hands to her mouth, her eyes wide as she gasped, “Oh! I’m so, so, so very sorry! I didn’t mean to get upset!”

Lou didn’t seem alarmed, and he merely said, “It’s all right, Myrna. I’m very sorry.”

I’M SORRY TOO

SORRY THAT LOU IS AN INSENSITIVE JERK WHO HATES EVERYTHING FUN

LIKE MOVIE NIGHTS >:(

Lou rolled his eyes. “We’re leaving. Now. And if you try to stop us, I will set you on fire.”

TRY IT

The floorboards rippled under Lou’s feet.

Desperate to soothe the obvious tension, Neil said, “Hey! Just wait a second!” He cast a pleading look to Lou. “Couldn’t we just stay here for a little bit while you go do whatever it is you need to? That way we get to hang out with Izba and we can watch a movie or whatever.”

“In the same place where the ribelli have already attacked you once before?” Lou flashed his teeth. “Absolutely not.”

“Come on. Izba is lonely. He’s missed us.”

I HAVE MISSED NEIL

“Well, there’s no way for Izba to come with us—”

The click of the letters drew Neil’s attention.

WELL THERE IS ACTUALLY A WAY…

* * *

THIS IS AMAZING!

“Pretty nice, right?” Neil grinned as he set the Rolodex down on Lou’s coffee table.

Once Izba explained that he could separate a small part of himself from the flower shop, Neil jumped at the chance to bring him over to Lou’s. He felt bad for leaving Izba alone for so long and figured this way Izba could keep him company when Lou went out.

The entire apartment shuddered.

The mosaic tiles on the coffee table moved to form words.

IT IS NICE

LOU HAS SURPRISINGLY GOOD TASTE

“Ha ha.” Lou snorted when he read the message. He glanced around the room, scowling as some of the furniture shifted. “Don’t get too comfortable. This is only temporary.”

OF COURSE

“So, can you like… possess any house?” Neil asked curiously.

YES BUT I CANNOT MANIPULATE IT AS EASILY AS MY OWN FLESH

“Flesh?”

YES

Izba didn’t choose to elaborate, so Neil didn’t ask. He cleared his throat as he parked himself on the couch. “So, uh. Right. Lou, when are you leaving?”

“Now.” Lou leaned down to kiss the top of Neil’s head. He was looking at his phone. “I shouldn’t be more than a few hours. I’ll be back in time to take you out to dinner. We can try Everhart’s again—”

“Or we could order in?” Neil suggested hopefully.

“I thought you wanted your cloth napkins?”

“Tonight, I kinda just want you.” Neil fidgeted. “Look, the last few days have been pretty crazy. I found out monsters were real, I’ve been attacked by said monsters, and now I’m dating one. I’d like to think I’ve done a pretty damn good job keeping my shit together and not having some sort of meltdown, but I do not think I can people again tonight.”

“People?”

“You know, people. Like, having to go out and people with other people.” Neil gestured vaguely. “Is that okay?”

“Of course, baby.” Lou smiled and sat beside Neil. He wrapped his arms around him, drawing him in for a sweet kiss. “Keeping up appearances can be exhausting. The peopling is exhausting.” He sighed. “Trust me that I understand. Very much. And I think we both deserve a quiet night in.”

“Okay, good. Because if you’d said no, I was going to riot.”

Lou chuckled. “Stay put while I’m gone, all right?”

“Got it.” Neil kissed him. “So, uh, where did you say you were going again?”

“I didn’t.” Lou smirked.

“Is it dangerous?”

“Trust that I am very powerful, very careful, and I am not going alone.”

“Bertie the vampire?”

“Don’t worry about me, baby. I promise I’ll be safe.”

Neil frowned. “I’d feel a lot better if me and our army of magical spirit buddies were coming with you.”

“They’re right where they need to be, watching over you. Trust me, baby.” Lou kissed him, and his hand slid over Neil’s hip.

Neil figured Lou wouldn’t tell him what he was going to do, but the evasive nature of his answers was making him worry. He knew Lou was a big tough werewolf, but he was still mortal. He could still be hurt—

“Stay away from silver bullets,” Neil said suddenly. “And whatever else hurts werewolves, okay? Garlic? Wait, no, that’s vampires—”

“I will come back to you. I promise.” Lou kissed him harder than before, and it turned passionate fast.

Neil clung to him, sucking on Lou’s tongue as he let himself get carried away. The very thought of Lou heading off into danger to do God knew what made his stomach lurch, and he didn’t want to let go yet. He wanted to tackle Lou onto the couch, rip their clothes off, and fuck for hours.

That was a much better plan than waltzing off into certain peril.

Lou pulled away before Neil had the chance to pounce, sighing heavily. “Mm. To be continued, baby.”

Neil groaned. “Come on. We don’t have to have sex. You can just hold my dick very firmly for like two minutes—”

“Later,” Lou said firmly, popping Neil’s hip.

“—with your mouth.”

“Later.” Lou popped him again.

“You know that just makes me hornier.”

“It’ll give you something to think about while I’m gone.” Lou smooched his brow. “I’ll be back soon.” He glanced around the apartment. “Take care of him for me.”

“We will,” Myrna promised as she appeared in front of them. “Don’t worry, Lou.”

I WILL PROTECT NEIL WITH MY LIFE said Izba through the table. I WILL DESTROY ANYONE WHO TRIES TO HARM HIM AND DEVOUR THEIR SOULS!

“Thanks.” Lou paused, as if waiting for someone else to speak. “Flanders?”

“Flanders is not here right now,” Flanders grumbled. “If you’d like to leave a message at the beep, I’ll return your call at my earliest convenience, which will be never.”

“Flanders,” Lou scolded.

“I don’t have to listen to you.” Flanders came into view, his huge body sprawled in front of the window wall as he soaked up the sunlight. “You’re not the boss of me.”

“Flanders.” Myrna marched over and nudged Flanders with her foot. “Come on now.”

“I won’t even wear the Crocs today,” Neil teased.

“Hmm.” Flanders eyed Neil. “I’ll consider it.”

“What is the deal with the Crocs?” Lou laughed. “I know they’re not exactly… classy.”

“Flanders told me that werewolves hate Crocs!” Neil flailed. “Wait, seriously? You don’t have some weird vendetta against Crocs?”

Lou snorted. “No. I’m sure some werewolf out there has a pair. I’ve never personally owned a pair because I do think they’re just on the wrong side of hideous, but—”

“No, wait, come here.” Neil bolted up, heading into the bedroom to the closet, where his Crocs were tucked away in one of the drawers. “The Crocs slander ends right now.”

Lou was right behind him, warning, “Hey, I need to go—”

“Not before you try these on.” Neil dropped the hot pink shoes in front of Lou. “What size shoe do you wear?”

“A fifteen.”

“Christ, of course, you do. Okay, I wear a twelve, but just… try them on!”

“Don’t do it!” Flanders called out. “It’s a trap, Lou!”

Lou smirked, slipping off his dress shoes. “I’m trying them on for two seconds and then I really have to go.”

Neil crossed his arms, waiting patiently.

“Next you’ll be wearing socks with sandals!” Flanders complained.

“Bad dog! Bad! Hush!” Neil shouted back.

Lou slipped his feet into the Crocs and then took a few short steps. They were definitely too small for him, but his face still registered faint surprise. “Huh.”

“Well?” Neil pressed.

Lou grinned. “Okay, you got me. They’re really comfortable—”

Flanders howled.

“See?” Neil grinned.

Lou put his dress shoes back on, chuckling to himself. “I might have to get me a pair.”

“Orange?” Neil guessed, considering the color’s prevalence throughout the rest of the house.

“Yup. Bright neon orange.”

Flanders howled again.

After Neil put the Crocs back up, he turned around to find Lou right in front of him. “Oh, hey there. You know, for a giant wolf guy, you’re very sneaky.”

“Oh, very.” Lou hugged Neil’s waist, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. “Be good, baby. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

Neil cupped Lou’s cheek, kissing him back as he mumbled, “You’d better.”

Lou winked as he withdrew, taking Neil’s hand to lead him out to the living room. They parted ways with another kiss, and Lou walked to the door. “Be back soon, baby.”

“Not soon enough!” Neil complained. He was teasing. Mostly.

“Bye.”

Neil flopped on the couch after the front door shut, and he sighed. “So. Now what?”

MOVIE NIGHT MOVIE NIGHT MOVIE NIGHT

“Yeah?” Neil cracked a little smile. “What kind of movies do you like, Izba?”

I LIKE THE ONE WITH THE HOUSE AND THE MANY BALLOONS

“Up?” Neil wrinkled his nose. “Isn’t that one kinda sad?”

NO THE HOUSE FLIES

IT IS HAPPY

“Okie dokie.” Neil looked around for a remote. “Now I just have to figure out how to—”

The television turned itself on, bringing up a cable television guide that was already actively being flipped through.

“You are a very talented house, Izba.” Neil leaned back, patting the spot beside him. “Come on, Myrna. You might wanna grab some tissues.”

“Tissues?” Myrna sat down, smoothing out her skirt. “Whatever for?”

“This movie is a real tearjerker.”

Flanders lifted his head up, glancing at the television screen. “Hmmph.”

“You don’t have to watch, you know.” Neil patted the other side of the couch. “But you’re more than welcome to join us.”

“Hmmph.”

“Fine, grumpy puppy.”

Izba found the movie, although Neil wasn’t sure if he hacked into the cable network or if Lou had unwittingly paid for an unexpected rental. Flanders pretended not to care, but he crawled up onto the couch about halfway through. There were a few sniffles, mostly from Flanders, even though he denied every single one. After that, they put on The Wizard of Oz.

Yes, because the house got to squish the witch.

Neil raided the kitchen for snacks, not in the mood for a heavy meal and unable to define exactly what he wanted. He dragged out two kinds of potato chips, a box of fancy granola bars, and some sort of weird fruit leather that smelled like old socks but tasted like strawberries. He munched, enjoying Myrna trying to teach Flanders the words to some of the songs so he could sing with her.

Flanders declined, though Neil did hear him hum.

As the sun dipped down, Neil found that the movie was no longer distracting him as much as he’d hoped. Even with Myrna’s enthusiastic singing, Neil’s thoughts kept drifting to Lou. He knew Lou was more than capable of handling himself, but he was still worried about him.

It wasn’t like Lou was a baker headed in to work on making cakes or something.

He was a literal monster gangster whose occupation was full of innumerable hazards. He might have to rough up some more shady monsters and drug dealers. He could be fighting some ribelli monster’s latest attack. Someone might be trying to whack him or forcing him to make a deal he wouldn’t be able to refuse.

The coffee table shifted.

Neil looked over to see Izba was writing to him.

NEIL? ARE YOU OKAY?

“Yeah, sorry.” Neil shrugged. “Just worried about Lou.”

“I’m sure he’s all right, darling.” Myrna patted Neil’s knee. “Lou is very good at getting out of trouble.”

“Yeah, but that was before when he had you guys with him to help.” Neil frowned. “What is the deal with Buffy? What do we need to do to get you guys back to Lou?”

“Are you displeased with us?” Myrna pouted.

“No! Not at all. You guys are great. Seriously. Even Rover over here.” Neil petted Flander’s flank, being careful to avoid the open areas of burning organs. “But I feel like maybe you belong with Lou, you know? He needs you guys a lot more than me.”

Myrna’s pout deepened. “Well, it’s still up to Buffy. She is the strongest of us. And while I would be quite happy to serve either of you, Buffy seems to want you.”

“Can I talk to her?”

“Oh! Well.” Myrna blinked, glancing worriedly at Flanders. “I’m not sure if that’s such a good idea.”

“Why not?”

“She’s a bit… moody.”

“If Buffy thinks you’re trying to get rid of us, she may eat you,” Flanders drawled.

“What? No!” Neil sputtered. “I’m not trying to get rid of anybody! I just want you to go back to Lou—”

“I can try to ask her, but she’s very sensitive.” Myrna frowned. “I’m not sure how she’ll take it. No one’s ever tried to dump us before.”

“I’m not dumping you,” Neil protested. “You guys are great, seriously. But I think it would be better if you were with Lou.”

IT DEFINITELY SOUNDS LIKE YOU’RE DUMPING THEM >:(

“Izba! That is not helping! Come on!” Neil groaned loudly. “No one is dumping anybody!”

Flanders perked up. “Lou is home.”

“Thank fuck.” Neil bolted up from the couch, hurrying over to the door. His heart soared as Lou walked in, and he launched himself into Lou’s arms before he could get a word out. Lou had been carrying some papers, and Neil knocked them right out of Lou’s hand.

“Hey there, baby!” Lou chuckled as he hugged Neil tight, lifting him right off the floor. “Mm, did somebody miss me?”

“No.” Neil kissed him.

“Liar.” Lou grinned.

Neil kissed him again, and Lou carried him over to the couch. Neil breathed him in, finding notes of smoke and something metallic that he really, really hoped wasn’t blood.

Or, at least, that it wasn’t Lou’s blood.

Lou sat down with Neil in his lap, cradling him close. “How are you doing, baby?”

“Fine! Just been worried about you.” Neil kissed him. “Wanted to make sure you were okay. I’m getting kind of used to you, that’s all.”

NEIL WAS QUITE CONCERNED! YOU SHOULD HAVE CALLED TO CHECK IN >:(

“Thank you, spiteful house.” Lou smirked. “Neil had nothing to worry about. I’m fine.”

Neil frowned. “Everything with your secret monster business go okay?”

Flanders had vanished, though Myrna remained, tidying up the trash from Neil’s kitchen foraging.

“As well as can be expected,” Lou replied carefully. “Not much to report unfortunately, except that we found the werebear.”

“Wait!” Neil gasped. “The werebear guy Michel and Roland saw sneaking around?”

“Yes.”

“But isn’t that great? Did you get him to talk?”

“The dead aren’t usually very chatty.” Lou grimaced.

“Wait… did you…?” Neil narrowed his eyes.

“No, he was already dead when we found him. Someone got to him before we did.”

“Well, shit.” Neil sighed. “Back to waiting for the big sting at the docks then?”

“For now.”

“Do you want something to drink, Lou?” Myrna asked. “I know that gangstering can be quite exhausting for you. Maybe some tea or juice?”

“Thank you, Myrna.” Lou smiled. “That would be lovely.”

“Neil, do you want anything?”

“I’m good, thank you.” Neil shook his head.

Myrna scooped up the last of the trash and then headed to the kitchen, humming “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” to herself.

“Do I have any food left?” Lou teased. “Or did you eat everything?”

“I mean, you might have some condiments in the fridge left.” Neil grinned.

“You could have ordered something.” Lou ran his fingers through Neil’s stubble.

“I wasn’t really hungry hungry. More like snacky hungry.”

“Ah.”

Myrna returned with two mugs and the papers Lou had been carrying. She set everything down on the coffee table, saying to Neil, “Now I know you said you didn’t want anything, but you could probably use some tea too.”

“Thank you, Myrna.” Neil wiggled out of Lou’s lap so he could grab the mug. It smelled spicy, like cinnamon.

Lou sipped his mug, murmuring, “Thank you very much.”

As much as Neil wanted Lou to drag him into the bedroom and pound his brains out again, he could see Lou was exhausted. Lou’s big shoulders were slouched, some of his hair had slipped out from his ponytail, and his eyelids seemed too heavy to keep open all the way.

Neil kept his legs in Lou’s lap for the sake of being close, but he decided he wouldn’t say anything about sex.

“You know, if you’re too tired to mess around, I can totally be on top and ride you,” Neil said innocently.

Okay, he would say just that one thing.

Lou chuckled huskily. “Noted, baby.”

“If you’re not in the mood—”

“Oh, I’m always in the mood.” Lou grinned. “Let me finish this tea and I promise to ravage you thoroughly before and after dinner.”

Neil shuddered. “Fuck yes.”

Lou laughed again and went back to his tea, sipping slowly.

Neil glanced at the papers on the coffee table. “What are those? Super secret monster documents?”

“Maps of the city,” Lou said. “I saw Francis earlier. He’s still been trying to figure out the link between the plague victims. He marked the maps with every known victim’s residence, but there still isn’t any kind of pattern.”

Neil eyed the map for a moment.

He could only see one section of it since it was folded up, and there was a scattering of stars around a large open green space. He leaned forward to get a better look, realizing the green was a park not too far away from the flower shop.

“May I?” Neil gestured to the map.

“Go right ahead.” Lou shrugged.

Neil unfolded the map, grimacing when he saw at least a hundred stars dotted all over the map. Knowing each star was a plague victim made the weight of the mystery even greater, and he wished he had some kind of clue as to…

Huh.

Now that was strange.

“There’s Four Kings over here,” Neil said, pointing to one of the stars.

“There’s what?” Lou asked.

“Four Kings. It’s a type of azalea bush.”

“Ah.”

“Red buds that open into bright yellow flowers with a flush of faint red,” Neil recited dutifully. “My uncle told me about a bunch of them.”

“Azaleas are the pride of Somerstown. You know about the festival, right?”

“Yeah.” Neil pointed to another star. “These ones over by the Food Lion are King’s Wizard. Bright yellow flowers flushed with bright red.”

Lou snorted. “Do they all have king in the name?”

“No, those are just the ones I remember.” Neil frowned as he continued to scan the map. “Uncle Shiloh took me on a little tour of the city and told me all about them, and I…” He looked again. “Hey, Lou? This is gonna sound crazy, but I think I know what the plague victims have in common.”

Lou’s brow wrinkled. “What is it?”

“Most of these stars are near some of the biggest azalea bushes in the city. My uncle showed a bunch of them to me, told me about how people come from all over the country during that festival just to see some of them. I can’t say for sure on every single one, but I think…”

“What?”

“I think the azaleas are making people sick.”

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

Neil gulped. “Is that… is that possible?”

“Myrna?” Lou asked quickly.

“Yes!” Myrna frowned. “Plants can be used for all kinds of magic, as I’ve said before. As living vessels, they can be quite potent. Certainly someone could enchant one with dastardly intentions like dispensing plague.”

“How would it be done?”

“Oh. Well. I’d have to think about it—”

“How would you do it?”

Myrna gasped. “Lou! I would never!”

“Okay, but if you were going to. Theoretically.”

“Well.” Myrna seemed troubled, but she looked thoughtful. “The simplest thing to do would be to dilute it in water. Whether it’s a liquid potion or some sort of solid medium like a powder, it needs a vehicle so that the plant can absorb it. Also, dilution is key when you are enchanting plants. Too much of a brew might hurt the plant depending on the ingredients. Being that it’s a plague, I imagine it’s awful stuff. You would have to keep watering the plant with the watered down potion for a few weeks to properly infuse it.”

“A few weeks?”

Myrna nodded. “Yes! Of course, you can simply wave a wand or what have you, but the enchantment of a plant can be tricky. Infusing the desired magical effect through water is what I would do.”

“Thank you.” Lou looked at his tea. “Might need something a bit stronger.”

“Of course!” Myrna touched the mug and it transformed into a glass tumbler full of dark liquor.

While Lou chugged, Neil asked, “So, wait, I’m right? The rebellis are using the damn fancy flowers to get people sick?”

“You’d need to examine the flowers to be sure.” Myrna frowned. “Especially the roots.”

“Up for a walk?” Lou asked. “A few of these spots are just a few blocks away.”

“Sure,” Neil said. “As long as I can put my Crocs on.”

“Let’s go.”

Neil got his Crocs and opted to change clothes. Since they were potentially going to be digging up plants, he imagined he was going to get dirty. Jeans and T-shirts were not an option in his new wardrobe, so he settled for a light sweater and khakis. They headed downstairs and then walked out through the parking garage to the street.

The evening hour transformed the city into an inky sea punctuated with the lights of buildings and street lamps. Cars hurried by in a rush of colorful blurs, though the traffic dissipated as Neil and Lou turned onto a smaller side road in search of the azalea bushes. Neil saw them up ahead, a big cluster of bright white flowers shining like a beacon. They were packed in a small earthly oasis beneath a street lamp, and Neil grabbed Lou’s arm to stop him from getting any closer.

“What?” Lou frowned.

“Wait a second.” Neil shook his head. “If this plant really is, like, infected with plague or whatever, do you really think it’s a good idea for you to poke at it?”

“Well…” Lou’s brow scrunched. “Perhaps not.”

“You stay back here and look pretty.”

“That’s supposed to be your job.”

“Yeah, well, right now it’s your job.” Neil smirked. “Myrna can help me.”

“I absolutely can!” Myrna said cheerfully as she appeared beside Neil. “I’m ready!”

“Be right back.” Neil jogged over to the azalea bush with Myrna right behind him. Once they arrived at the bush, however, he realized he had no idea what to do. “So. What now?”

Myrna touched the flowers, humming thoughtfully. “It definitely seems as if magic has been at work here.” She looked down at the dirt. “We’ll need to dig. I don’t suppose you have a shovel?”

“No, but we do know a very large grumpy dog.” Neil grinned. “Ahem. Flanders.”

“I am not speaking to you while you’re wearing those shoes,” Flanders grumbled, refusing to let himself be seen.

“Technically, you just spoke to me.” Neil clapped his hands. “Come on, boy. Come on! We need you, Flandie. Be a good boy, come on!”

Flanders growled.

“Please, Flanders?” Neil groaned. “We don’t have all night. I want dinner. And dick. And I can’t have either of those until we figure out if this damn bush is plague-tastic.”

“We just need you to dig down a teensy tiny bit,” Myrna pleaded. “Please, darling?”

Flanders sighed as he came into view. “Fine.”

A man and woman walking a dog were coming toward them from the opposite way, and Neil mumbled, “Hurry.”

Flanders rolled his eyes and started digging into the dirt. Earth went flying everywhere in a big cloud, and the couple with the dog were startled. After all, they couldn’t see the hellhound at work and only the dirt being thrown all over the place. They stared at Neil since he was the only thing they could see, and he laughed nervously.

“Wow! How about those moles?” he said, shaking some of the dirt out of his hair. “So crazy.”

The couple whispered to each other and then crossed the street.

Flanders kept digging.

The couple glanced back a few times and practically took off running, dragging their dog behind them.

“That went well,” Neil said, trying to brush the dirt off his face.

Flanders snorted. “Here’s your hole.”

In a matter of seconds, Flanders had dug down at least a foot. Myrna quickly kneeled beside the hole, and she snapped off a piece of root. She held it up to the light above, and her eyes widened.

“Oh…” Myrna frowned.

“What is it?” Neil asked. “I can’t tell if that’s a good oh or a bad oh.”

“I’m not really sure what would be considered good or bad in this situation, but the plant has indeed been infused with the plague.” Myrna stood up, showing Neil the root.

It was glittering like it was made of diamonds or crystals, and Neil recognized the unnatural dark color immediately from what he’d seen of the people at the ward.

“Well. I guess it’s good that we know this is how the rib-ollos have been doing it. Spiking the damn plants.” Neil sighed. “Is it still dangerous?”

Myrna offered the root to Flanders.

Flanders sniffed it. “No. This is old. Though I still wouldn’t suggest that Lou or any other were try to chew on it, it shouldn’t be dangerous.”

“What’s the verdict?” Lou called out to them.

“Your boyfriend is a genius!” Neil shouted back.

Lou grimaced. “So, you were right.”

“Flanders, can you fix the hole?” Neil asked.

“No.” Flanders scoffed. “The city literally pays people to do that. Last time I checked, I haven’t seen a paycheck from you.”

“Fine.” Neil headed back to Lou. “What now? How do we un-plague-ify every azalea in the city? There’s probably thousands.”

“It doesn’t seem as if this particular plant poses a threat,” Myrna said. “Whatever potion was used has begun to fade. I don’t think it’s been dosed in quite some time.”

“That explains the two months in between bouts of the plague,” Lou mused. “It must take time for the plants to become fully infused.”

“But why not just keep dosing the plants?” Neil asked. “I don’t want to sound like an asshole, but if the ro-eboli want to take out weres, why would they wait? Why not keep using the potion on the plants on the regular with no downtime?”

“It could be a matter of access. Certainly people would notice if someone was running around pouring something into the plants. It would attract attention, especially with the azaleas.”

“Because everybody is so nuts over them?”

“Yes.”

“Shit!” Neil grimaced. “There’s azaleas right outside the flower shop! Have you been risking getting infected being around them?”

“It’s certainly possible. There’s azalea bushes outside of the Tower too. I haven’t felt sick.” Lou sighed. “Yet.”

“Wait! That’s it!” Myrna gasped. “Flanders!”

Flanders perked up his ears. “What?”

“What did you say about not being paid? And the city?”

Flanders blinked. “That the city literally pays people to… oh!”

“The city’s parks and recreation office,” Lou realized out loud. “Tree maintenance.”

“Tree what now?” Neil asked.

Lou grabbed Neil’s arm, steering him back the way they came. “Tree maintenance. They’re in charge of the trees and all the landscaping on city streets, including the azaleas. This year, there was a big stink about them spraying the azaleas with pesticides. Some sort of lace bug infestation—”

“Holy shit. They could have been spraying the plague!”

“No one would question city workers doing their job.” Lou squeezed Neil’s arm.

“Which also means the flowers at the shop and the Tower should be safe. Those are both private property.”

“We need to find out where they keep the pesticides immediately. Figure out who’s had access to tamper with the chemicals, and we need to know tonight.”

“Tonight?” Neil laughed. “What are we gonna do, go break into the city parks office?”

“No, Bertie will.”

“Right. Vampire. No reflection, so he won’t be seen on the cameras?”

“No, vampires have reflections, but he can turn invisible.” Lou chuckled. “I’ll send him down there to look around. He might be able to find out where the city keeps their pesticide. That will be the key to all of this. The ribelli must be tampering with the pesticides before the city workers use them.”

“Well, holy shit.”

“What?”

“Do you remember when Batty was singing her little crazy song after identifying the dragon scale?”

“Vaguely. She sings a lot.”

Neil took a deep breath. “I think I know what she was trying to say. Rho-do whatever? What if she was trying to say rhododendron? That’s the family of plants azaleas are a member of. Whoever had the scale could have also been messing with the plants.”

“Liam Smith,” Lou growled.

“Right? Or any of his other goons or whoever. Then again, the city is full of azalea bushes. What Batty found points to, well, everyone ever who’s walked down a sidewalk here.”

Lou fell silent, his brow pinched as he looked ahead. He didn’t say anything else until they had again reached the elevator in the parking garage, murmuring, “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For saving what I hope is a lot of lives,” Lou replied as he urged Neil inside the elevator. “Francis, one of the most brilliant minds I know, never made the connection you did.”

Neil blushed as Lou kissed the top of his head. “Well, heh, Francis probably doesn’t have an uncle who drove him around on a wild and exciting tour of Somerstown’s azaleas.”

“Still. Thank you.” Lou smiled.

“Hey, no problem. I accept all major credit cards and Paypal if you’re looking to reimburse me.”

“How about a nice hot bath and Chinese?” Lou brushed his fingers through Neil’s hair, chuckling as more dirt fell out.

“I can work with that.”

They got off the elevator and Lou opened the door for Neil to let him back inside the apartment.

The wood grain from the floor traveled up onto the wall, creating words.

WELCOME BACK! HOW DID IT GO?

“Hey, Izba! Good!” Neil replied. “I think? Short version is that I was right. The bad guy monsters have been doping up the azaleas with some sort of plague potion. Lou is gonna send Bertie the vampire over to the city parks and recreation office to check it out because there’s been this whole big thing with lacey bugs and pesticides.”

LACE BUGS?

“Yeah, them.”

Lou took Neil’s hand, leading him toward the bathroom.

Izba’s words followed them along the wall.

PESTICIDES ARE USUALLY SPRAYED WEEKLY, SOMETIMES MORE IF THE INFESTATION IS PARTICULARLY WORRISOME

“Maybe that’s why it takes so long for the plague crap to make people sick. If they’re only spraying once or twice a week and it’s already diluted down, it might take a while for it to build up to magical curse plague levels?”

“That was my thought as well,” Lou said, shutting the bathroom door behind them. He turned on the water for the tub and dumped in a bluish oil that made bubbles. “The curse must only last for a short window of time before it fades, which is why they keep doing it. Once that window closes, they start all over again from scratch.”

“Which is good for us because hey, we’ve got time to stop it.”

INDEED!

“Now if you’ll excuse us, spiteful house, I’d like to give my mate a bath,” Lou said. “Ahem.”

OH OF COURSE!

I’LL BE… OVER… HERE SOMEWHERE

The words faded.

Neil started stripping, and he made a face as more dirt sprinkled over the floor. “Sorry about the mess. Looks like Flanders somehow managed to get dirt in my Crocs.” He paused. “I get the idea that he did that on purpose.”

“It’s all right,” Lou said. “I’m sure Myrna will—”

“Right here!” Myrna had a hand over her eyes, but she somehow managed to magically sweep up the dirt and throw Neil’s clothes into the hamper in a blink. “Okay! All better now!”

“Thank you.” Neil laughed. “Myrna, you’re seriously the best.”

“She really is. And I…” Lou turned to speak to Neil, but he trailed off.

“What is it?” Neil shivered, the intensity of Lou’s gaze flooding his loins with heat.

“You’re gorgeous,” Lou said simply, his eyes moving over Neil’s body. He reached to very obviously adjust his dick. “I’m a very, very lucky wolf.”

Neil closed the distance between them, sliding his hands up Lou’s broad chest. Lou’s hungry stare made him feel unbelievably sexy, and his cock was already growing hard. “Yeah, you are. Because I’m pretty damn amazing.”

“Yes, you are.” Lou caressed Neil’s sides to his hips.

“Not bad for a human, right?” Neil teased.

“Not only that. You’re the most incredible person I’ve ever known, man, monster, or otherwise.” Lou smiled. “You’re smart, you’re funny, you’re brave—”

“Don’t forget about my ass.”

“Oh, never.” Lou helped himself to a firm handful and squeezed. “And you have the most delicious ass I’ve ever had the honor of devouring.”

“Feel free to have a taste anytime. Like right now.”

Lou chuckled, smacking Neil’s ass cheek playfully. “Later. Tell me what you want to eat so I can order our dinner.”

“Sesame chicken with white rice, vegetable lo mein, and at least two egg rolls. Oh, and some of those crab rangoon things.”

Lou grinned. “Are you sure you’re human? Because you have quite the appetite.”

“Hey, I gotta maintain this voluptuous figure.”

“Mm, it is very nice.” Lou slid his fingers over the curve of Neil’s hip. “Now, come on. You and your voluptuous figure need to get into the bath.” He kissed Neil. “Mm. I’ll be right back.”

Neil smiled as Lou helped him into the bath, and he groaned as he submerged himself in the hot water. The bubbles smelled musky, like sandalwood, and the earthy scent reminded him of Lou. It was amazing, and the novelty of being able to fully stretch out in a tub was not one that would wear off anytime soon. “I’ll be here. Probably forever. Never leaving this tub.”

Lou chuckled, leaning over to turn the water off. He kissed Neil’s cheek. “Enjoy.”

Neil watched Lou leave the bathroom, his heart fluttering away.

He was happy.

Not too long ago, he hadn’t been able to imagine himself working at a flower shop. Now he was dating a werewolf gangster, had a wardrobe of the fancy clothes he’d always coveted, and he had a small troop of magical spirits at his beck and call. While he still had no idea what he wanted to do about school or a career, any future seemed bright knowing Lou would be in it.

Hopefully forever.

The thought startled Neil and made his pulse pick up speed.

He really cared about Lou a lot, and he didn’t think he’d ever felt so strongly about anyone this fast. Then again, he’d never been through this many harrowing ordeals in such a short amount of time either. Apparently, almost being murdered by monsters made for quite the bonding experience.

Oh, and the sex.

The out of this world, mind-shattering, incredibly hot and steamy sex.

The sex Neil wished they were having right now, but Lou still wasn’t back from ordering food yet. He looked for soap or body wash, and he realized Lou hadn’t given him anything to clean up with. The only thing he saw was the bottle of bubble bath or whatever it was Lou had used to make the bubbles. He knew he could probably ask Myrna to help him find something, but he didn’t want to bother her.

Plus, he was still naked in the tub.

Not that Myrna hadn’t probably already seen a lot more of Neil than the average person and the bubbles were hiding all the important bits…

Whatever.

Neil could just ask Lou whenever he came back. He closed his eyes, enjoying the hot water and relaxing as he listened to the bubbles softly popping. He heard a small squeak, and he peeked up at the mural above the tub. The sound was the paint shifting around to create words.

DO NOT FALL ASLEEP IN THE TUB

THAT IS DANGEROUS!!!

Neil smiled. “I won’t, Izba. Promise.”

I AM SORRY TO INTRUDE

I WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU WERE ALL RIGHT

“Thank you. I’m good.” Neil glanced at the mural. “Lou still ordering food?”

HE IS TALKING TO SOMEONE NAMED BERTIE WHO DOES NOT LIKE BEING CALLED BERTIE

“Ah, that would be the vampire. He’s the one who’s gonna go check out the parks place and figure out where the pesticides are.”

THEY WILL NOT BE IN AN OFFICE

THOSE ARE HAZARDOUS CHEMICALS

“Oh, I guess I didn’t think about that.”

MOST LIKELY THEY ARE GOING TO BE STORED IN A WELL-VENTILATED WAREHOUSE

SHILOH TOLD ME THE CITY HAS LOTS OF TRUCKS FOR TRIMMING TREES AFTER BIG STORMS

PERHAPS THERE?

“Thanks for the tip.” Neil nodded. “We’ll see what ol’ Bertie turns up, I guess. Myrna is gonna work on a potion to get rid of the plague stuff, so hopefully this will be the end of it.” He frowned. “Well, I guess we still have to stop the ribellos. Even if we make sure they can’t do this plague crap again, they will probably find some other way to hurt people. Shit.”

YOU WILL BE VICTORIOUS

I BELIEVE IN YOU, NEIL

There was a pause.

AND LOU… EVEN IF HE IS RUDE

Neil chuckled. “Thank you. And hey, he’s only a little rude.”

The bathroom door opened, and Lou walked in. “Who’s a little rude now?”

“You.” Neil smirked.

The mural returned to normal.

“Izba in here talking shit?” Lou had removed his jacket, and he loosened his tie.

“Just a little.” Neil watched Lou unbutton his shirt next. “Saying how much he believes in us and yeah, you’re a little rude sometimes.”

“Only sometimes.” Lou continued to undress.

“Not that I am complaining about seeing you get naked, because yay, but what are you doing?” Neil sat up. “Are you getting in here with me?”

“As long as that’s all right with you.” Lou smiled. “The food won’t be here for forty-five minutes. Figured that might be enough time to enjoy your company… amongst other things.”

“A quickie? I’m down.” Neil grinned, scooting forward to make room for Lou to slip in behind him.

Lou sat, stretching his legs out on either side of Neil and urging him to lean against his chest. “How about we just relax, hmm?”

“Fine. Relaxing now. Wild primal sex later.” Neil cuddled in close, loving the warmth of Lou’s strong body all around him. He smiled when Lou’s arms hugged his chest, and he leaned his head back on Lou’s shoulder. “God, I love this tub.”

Lou laughed. “Pretty nice, huh?”

“I’ve never been able to do this before.” Neil reached for Lou’s forearm. “You know, big guy, small tubs.”

“Well, I’m glad to share a first with you.” Lou nuzzled Neil’s hair. “Mm, and maybe another. Ever had someone wash your hair before?”

“No.”

Lou moved one of his arms to scoop up bathwater and then ran his fingers through Neil’s hair. He took his time until Neil’s hair was slick, and he dragged his nails over his scalp until Neil was absolutely melting.

“That feels amazing,” Neil mumbled.

“Good.” Lou paused to grab something, the bottle of bubble bath judging by the smell, to lather up Neil’s hair.

“Isn’t that the bubble bath?”

“It’s actually body wash, but I use it for bubble bath. And now shampoo.”

“You know that’s terrible for your hair.”

“Does it feel terrible?” Lou massaged Neil’s scalp with both hands, his nails making slow, lazy circles.

“No.” Neil chuckled. “It really does feel incredible.”

“I promise to shampoo and condition your hair later to repair any damage incurred by body wash.” Lou snorted. “Now hush.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Good boy.”

Neil shuddered and arched up into Lou’s touch, his cock quickly growing interested. He rolled his hips back, letting out a little groan.

“Close your eyes,” Lou instructed.

Neil did so, and Lou gently urged him forward so he could dip his head back into the water. Lou’s strong fingers rinsed out Neil’s hair and kept him from sinking any farther than needed, and Neil was in absolute heaven. He’d never felt so adored before, and he loved how his scalp was tingling from Lou’s intimate attention.

Lou eased Neil back up against his chest, pressing kisses into his damp hair. He got more body wash to scrub over Neil’s neck and shoulders. He didn’t have a washcloth, instead using his bare hands to rub and massage along Neil’s skin.

Neil’s cock was hard, though he tried to ignore it. As much as he wanted to have sex, he was enjoying this too. There was a closeness in having someone bathe him like this he’d never experienced before, and he wanted it to linger for as long as possible.

Eventually, he knew the water would grow cold and they’d have to get out.

And then they’d have sex.

Lou’s hands moved over Neil’s body once more to rinse away the soap, and he rubbed his way down Neil’s chest and stomach.

Neil’s breath hitched, his abs flexing from the soft touch.

“That okay?” Lou rumbled.

“Yeah, sorry.” Neil chuckled. “Kinda tickled.”

Lou pressed with his whole hand, certainly an effort to avoid tickling again, and he kissed Neil’s shoulder. “How’s that?”

“Better.” Neil shifted his hips back, and he groaned when he felt Lou’s cock pressing into his spine. Lou rocked forward, and Neil grinded back slowly, dragging his hands over Lou’s muscular legs. “Mm, much better.”

Lou let out a breathy little growl, and he teased his teeth along the nape of Neil’s neck.

Neil couldn’t help but push back, seeking to increase the friction. He could probably lift his hips and catch Lou’s cock between his cheeks, maybe up between his legs—

“Not yet,” Lou warned, squeezing Neil’s thighs.

“Tease.” Neil groaned.

“We still have to eat dinner.”

“What happened to having a quickie?”

“You are exquisite.” Lou sighed against Neil’s shoulder. “There is not a second of time with you that should ever be rushed. Every beautiful moment should be treasured, savored… Especially the moments of your pleasure because they are by far the most delicious of all.”

Neil blushed. “So, while that’s probably the most romantic thing anyone’s ever said in the history of ever, what you’re really saying is no quickies?”

Lou chuckled, and his hands swept back up to Neil’s chest. He thumbed over his nipples, replying, “I don’t like being interrupted, so no. The last thing I’d want is to have my fat knot buried deep inside your luscious body and someone knock on the door.”

“Okay, fair.” Neil inhaled shakily. “So, why are you torturing my nipples right now?”

“Because I like teasing you.”

“Dick.”

Lou playfully pinched Neil’s left nipple.

“Ow!” Neil flinched, and then he purposefully rolled his ass back to press against Lou’s cock. “Meanie.”

Lou grunted. “Says the guy grinding on my dick.”

“You pinched my nipple!”

“You’re being sassy.”

“I’m horny.” Neil wiggled. “It’s your fault.”

“Is it?” Lou sounded like he was smiling.

“Yup. For being all sexy and washing my hair. That’s what did it.”

“Being sexy or washing your hair?”

“Both.”

“Well, if you’re a good boy, I’ll make sure you’re rewarded.” Lou’s fingers dipped over Neil’s stomach. “But if you’re bad…”

Neil bit his lip, quivering as Lou’s fingers teased along the top of his pubic hair.

Lou abruptly withdrew. “Then you’ll have to be punished.”

Neil huffed. “Dick!”

Lou’s laugh was perfectly wicked, and he smooched Neil’s shoulder before standing up to get out of the tub.

Neil watched him, transfixed by the water droplets cascading over his gorgeous body. He was particularly fascinated by the little rivers running down Lou’s hips toward his cock, and Neil unconsciously licked his lips.

Lou smirked, grabbing a towel to dry off with. “The food should be here soon, and I have something to ask of you.”

“What?” Neil slid his hand down to grab his cock, giving it a squeeze beneath the cover of the bubbles. “My first born child? A kidney?”

“Don’t come until after dinner.” Lou grinned. “Only when I tell you to.”

“Huh?” Neil jerked his hand away from his dick even though there was no way Lou could have seen what he was doing. “What are you talking about?”

“I can smell how aroused you are and know you might be tempted to handle it yourself when I step out.” Lou plucked a robe from the rack beside the bathroom door. “If you decide to wait, then I can promise you a very enjoyable reward. If you do not, I’ll know.”

“And then what?”

“You’ll be punished.”

Neil’s cock twitched at the thought of Lou’s hands on his ass. “But what if I want to be punished?”

“Just remember that good boys get what they want.” Lou winked. “And I already know you like being spanked.”

“Noted, sir.”

CHAPTER NINETEEN

To jerk off or not to jerk off.

Whether it would be nobler to suffer blue balls and wait for hot sex with spanking or allow himself immediate gratification, or something. Neil didn’t actually know how the quote went, but he was definitely stuck on what he should do. The urge to rub one out and ease the throbbing tension in his loins was very tempting.

He’d dare say it was medicinal at this point.

However, the lure of being rewarded for his good behavior was also appealing, and Neil whined in frustration.

He wondered if Lou would really know if he got off or not.

Would he smell it?

Or would he know just from looking at Neil’s face?

If Lou asked him flat out, Neil didn’t think he’d be able to lie. Not with those big, gorgeous eyes staring into his soul…

Fuck.

Ignoring his cock, Neil pulled the drain for the bathtub. The food was probably here by now, and he had another primal need that required attention—his empty stomach.

He dried off, changed into his trusty sweats, but opted not to wear anything else. While the sweat pants weren’t as tight on him as they were on Lou, they still hugged Neil’s ass and his lingering erection very nicely.

Lou wanted to tease him and make him wait?

No problem.

Neil could play that game too, and these ratty old sweats were as good as silk lingerie.

With an innocent smile, Neil strolled out to the living room.

There was a feast of plastic takeout containers lined up on the coffee table, and Lou was sitting on the couch, sipping a drink. He was wearing a sinfully tight tank top and…

Oh no.

Gray track pants.

The equally sinful but classier cousin to sweats.

Neil stared directly at Lou’s crotch, and he forgot all about whatever his plan had been. Now the only thing he could think about was getting on his knees and sticking his face in Lou’s groin. Thankfully, he was pleased to see that Lou was looking at him with the same openly ravenous desire.

It wasn’t quite a win, but Neil was willing to call it a tie for now.

“Wow, looks amazing.” Neil very purposefully flicked his eyes across Lou’s body as he sat beside him. “Food looks nice too.”

“Thank you.” Lou cupped the side of Neil’s cheek, drawing him in for a kiss. “You wanted a relaxing evening in, so I decided to dress for the occasion.”

“I noticed.” Neil allowed himself one more lascivious ogle and then turned his attention to the food.

“Here, baby.” Lou handed him a pair of chopsticks and a plastic fork. “Choose your weapon.”

“It’s definitely a fork kind of night. I’m hungry, and the fork is much better at shoveling food into my mouth.” Neil grinned, and he went for the sesame chicken first. “Thank you. Wow, this really smells awesome.”

“I hope you like it.” Lou smiled. “Any thoughts on a movie?”

“Anything but Monster Squad.” Neil paused to take a bite. “Mmm, that is delicious. And also, are monster movies considered offensive to monsters?”

“Sometimes.” Lou chuckled. He was effortlessly using chopsticks to devour his lo mein. “Some monsters actually like being a part of human culture, even if it’s forever being relegated to the horror section. Most, however, I do not imagine are fans.”

“Fair. I wouldn’t wanna watch a bunch of movies where I’m the bad guy and everything said about me is wrong. Oh! What’s the most accurate monster movie you’ve seen?”

Lou looked thoughtful. “Night of the Living Dead. It’s one of the few films I’ve seen that beautifully illustrates that humans are just as horrible as monsters.”

“Wanna watch that?”

“Sure.”

Words appeared on the coffee table in between their takeout containers.

ON IT!

“Thank you, Izba!” Neil smiled.

YOU’RE WELCOME NEIL

The television turned on and the channels flicked around for a few seconds before the movie started playing.

“How are you doing that?” Lou asked suspiciously.

SHHH JUST WATCH THE MOVIE

Neil happened to glance over at Lou’s throat as he swallowed a bite of food, and there was something about watching the bob of his Adam’s apple that made Neil want to lean over and bite it. The casual conversation was nice, but Neil definitely had not stopped thinking about sex.

Steamy, delicious, ball slapping sex.

Fuck.

“Bertie will report back once he’s found out all he can about the pesticides,” Lou said. “He should be headed over there now.”

“Did he find out anything about Michel and Roland?”

“No. They’re still busy trying to identify the werebear. I told them what you discovered with the flowers, but nothing yet about our suspicion that someone in the city parks office may be involved.”

“Still don’t trust them, huh?”

“No. I’m going to hold that card for now. At least until Dagobert is done searching those offices. He didn’t have anything unusual to report from his surveillance today except that Roland might have a crush on Sariel and Mr. Heiss is not happy about it.”

“Wait, I thought Mr. Heiss and Sariel weren’t a thing?”

“They’re not, but he still thinks of Sariel as his. So, other than some juicy gossip, Bertie didn’t find out anything.” Lou stabbed his lo mein.

“Shouldn’t that be a good thing?” Neil frowned. “I mean, you don’t want one of them to be a traitor, do you?”

“No, of course not. But I still can’t shake the feeling that I am missing something.” Lou poked at his noodles less aggressively. “Hopefully Bertie’s investigation tonight will be more fruitful.”

“Hey, Izba said that the parks people probably don’t keep the pesticides there at their office. Big nasty chemicals and all that. They’re probably somewhere else, like a warehouse or something.”

Lou thought for a moment. “There are several warehouses owned by the city on the other side of the interstate. Some of them are used for storage for the big Christmas tree and all the lights they put up during the holidays, things like that.”

“Sounds like a good place to stash a bunch of landscaping stuff, huh? Maybe even some pesticides?”

“Could be.” Lou grabbed his cell phone from off the table to text. “I’ll let Bertie know to check there too.”

“Vampires text?”

“Yes, they do.” Lou smirked. “Now eat your dinner, baby.”

“Yes, sir.” Neil obediently dove back into his food, glancing up now and then to look at the movie and Lou.

Lou remained fixated on his phone, and his forehead was doing that wrinkly worry thing again. Neil was about to comment on it when the phone suddenly rang and Lou scowled, answering with a very unhappy, “What?”

“What is Dagobert going on about?” It sounded like Michel.

Neil tried to subtly lean in closer so he could hear the conversation.

“What are you talking about?” Lou demanded.

“He won’t tell me what’s going on!” Michel snapped. “That ginger wolf Marcus wants to court Logan, and he asked me to talk to Dagobert for him to make sure it’s all right. So, I called Dagobert to ask him about it. Dagobert tells me, and I quote, that he’s too busy to worry about a bitch being in heat. Asked him what the fuck was going on, he won’t tell me, and I kept pushing until he finally said to talk to you.”

Lou’s scowl deepened.

“So.” Michel huffed. “Here the fuck I am!”

“What Bertie is doing is none of your concern,” Lou said coolly. “When you need to know, you’ll know.”

“Louis—”

“Don’t.”

“Is this because of that human?”

Neil was definitely straining to hear now.

“Everything’s been fucked up since you met him!” Michel snapped, and it was easy to hear him now because his voice continued to rise. “You lost the Reliquary, somebody sabotaged the damn cereus—”

“Hey! The cactus got bleached on our watch!” Roland protested. “Not Neil’s!”

“Whose fucking side are you on?” Michel snapped. “The ribelli are attacking him in public and using flowers to spread the plague? And this human just happens to work at a flower shop? This is—”

“The plague was an issue long before I met Othniel.” Lou’s voice had dropped low, husky with rage that he was clearly struggling to keep at bay. “Correlation is not causation, Michel. I know your hatred of humans is tainting your judgment of the situation, but I never realized it would cause you to doubt mine.”

“Lou, please—”

“That’s Mr. Morénas-Mostro to you, second,” Lou snarled as he rose to his feet. “I don’t want to hear another word about my mate. If you’ve lost such faith in me, I will be more than happy to release you from your current position and get a wolf who actually trusts me.”

“Yes, sir.” Neil could barely hear Michel, but he sounded particularly humbled.

“Your singular focus right now should be getting everything ready for the assault on the docks Friday.”

“What about the werebear?”

“Tell Roland to handle that. Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir.”

Lou hung up, dropping his phone on the table with a loud clatter. His chest heaved, his skin was flushed, and his shoulders bulged out as he tried to calm down. He took a few deep breaths and his muscles returned to their normal albeit still impressive size, and he ran his fingers through his hair.

The air was tense, and Neil didn’t know what to say. While it was very sweet of Lou to defend him, he hated that he was in any position where he had to. He hoped Michel would get over the hate boner he had for human beings or at least keep his mouth shut, and he also hoped that Michel stubbed his pinkie toe on every piece of furniture he ever encountered for the rest of his life.

Lou sat back down, still visibly stressed.

Neil tried to think of something—anything—to break the silence.

“I jerked off,” he blurted out.

“What?” Lou blinked in surprise.

“You heard me,” Neil said defiantly. “I know you told me not to, but I did it anyway.”

“Did you now?” Lou’s shoulders relaxed, and he smirked.

Clearly he knew Neil was lying, but Neil hoped he’d still play along. If nothing else, it might be a welcome distraction from the heavy load burdening his mind right now. Judging by how Lou was eyeing Neil, it was definitely working.

“Sure did.” Neil ran his tongue over his lips slowly. “So, what are you going to do about it?”

“That depends on you,” Lou replied. “Safe word?”

Neil’s cock twitched. “Marzipan.”

Lou pounced.

It was not a playful jump, but the powerful leap of a predator. Neil yelped as Lou was suddenly right on top of him with his full weight pinning him to the couch. He squirmed, his desire imploding at how hot it was to be held down like this. He was helplessly turned on, and his cock throbbed between them.

“I did warn you that you’d be punished,” Lou taunted. “Now I’m going to use your tight little body all night long—”

“And what? You’re not gonna let me come?” Neil gritted his teeth.

“No, baby. I’m gonna make you come until you’re begging me to stop.”

Neil’s stomach dipped, and he groaned. “F-fuck… okay. We can do that. Let’s do that—” He gasped as Lou spun him around so he was on his stomach. “Holy shit!”

Lou grabbed Neil’s ass, squeezing hard enough that Neil felt the tips of his claws. “I’ve been thinking about tasting you for hours.”

Neil gurgled out a small moan as Lou ripped the seat of his sweats wide open. The sound of ripping fabric sent a shiver up his spine, and his cock was so hard that it hurt. He gasped as Lou’s claws spread his exposed cheeks wide, his long tongue lapping between them. “Oh, G-God!”

“Just Lou is fine, baby.” Lou growled low, and he licked over Neil’s hole, his claws digging in as he set a ravenous pace. He kneaded at Neil’s cheeks as he ate him out, his thick tongue relentlessly probing forward.

Neil whimpered, torn between the prick of Lou’s claws and the sweet heat of his tongue lapping at his asshole. He groaned as the tip pressed in, quickly working its way deeper and coaxing more sinful sounds from Neil’s lips. He couldn’t see Lou, but he gasped sharply when he felt the distinctive press of a cold nose against the base of his spine.

Holy fuck, Lou was wolfing out.

Lou’s tongue certainly felt thicker, thrusting hard and forcing Neil’s hole to open up wide. Neil grabbed the side of the couch to brace himself, grunting from the intense stretch. When Lou’s tongue twirled, Neil humped the cushion with a low whine. Everything was happening so fast that Neil could barely wrap his head around Lou possibly transforming right behind him, too caught up in the singular sensation of Lou’s long tongue fucking his hole.

God, that damn tongue.

It was better than any dick that Neil had ever taken save Lou’s, and the way it could move inside of him was insane. It twisted and turned, curling against his prostate as easily as a finger could, and yet it still achieved knee-shaking depths. Neil sobbed into the couch, grinding back on Lou’s face—snout? Was it a snout right now?—as he took it all, absolutely blissed out of his mind.

Lou grabbed Neil’s hips, lifting him right off the couch as he devoured him.

Neil squeaked as Lou kept leaning back, effortlessly dragging him along for the ride. Lou was now sitting up, still holding Neil’s hips so he could keep eating out his hole. Neil’s chest was in Lou’s lap, and his arms flailed for something to hold on to. He got a hold of the edge of the cushion beneath them, well aware that his hard cock was digging into Lou’s torso.

Where precisely, Neil wasn’t sure. He couldn’t quite turn his head to see what was going on, focusing instead on the merciless press of Lou’s tongue and the powerful grip of his claws trapping him in place.

God, fucking a werewolf was so hot.

Lou growled hungrily, and he focused the twist of his tongue against Neil’s prostate.

It was an incredible feeling, and the building pressure made Neil’s head light. It was also because the blood not currently pounding in his cock was rushing to his head in this position, and he let out a pitiful mewl, desperate for relief. He needed to come.

Neil tensed, trying to get himself over the edge. Lou’s tongue was hammering away at that tender mound of flesh, pounding into it without any signs of stopping. It was great, it was glorious, but still, Neil couldn’t come. The way Lou was holding him was undeniably hot, but it was awkward, and he didn’t think he could get off without actually getting his hand on his dick.

But then Lou growled.

Growled loud and low enough that his wonderful tongue vibrated.

“L-Lou!” Neil sputtered.

Lou growled again.

Before Neil could utter any kind of warning, he came with a sob, his cock pulsing inside what remained of his sweatpants. He clenched around Lou’s tongue, trembling as each wave of pleasure made him tremble and twitch. All too soon, the ache of overstimulation washed away his bliss, making him squirm.

“Lou! Mmm, fuck!” Neil wiggled, trying to pull away. “I can’t… I…. Oh, fuck!”

Lou didn’t stop. He wrapped his arms around Neil’s hips, holding him tighter as he continued to lick and thrust into his hole.

Neil groaned low, and now he understood how this was a punishment. It was madness. It was a feeling of too much, overwhelmingly so, and it was like being tickled in the most intimate possible place with no way to escape the stimulation. He whimpered, trying to breathe through the unforgiving tenderness, but he couldn’t help how his body was trying to unconsciously twitch away and retreat.

He took short breaths and closed his eyes, willing himself to relax. He could do this. He could take it. His cock was still half-hard, sticky with his come, but he ignored it. He let his body melt into the couch, suspended only by Lou’s embrace.

Lou purred, a low rumble that Neil felt right in his prostate. He kept one arm firmly wrapped around Neil’s waist to hold him where he wanted him, but then he tore at Neil’s sweats to get at his cock. He teased his claws lightly over the sensitive shaft, and Neil cried out.

“F-fuck!” Neil remained limp, but his cock flexed back to life beneath Lou’s touch. There was a thrill knowing Lou could easily hurt him if he wanted to, but Neil trusted him completely. He moaned when Lou squeezed his dick, jerking him off in steady pulls to match the still insistent thrust of his tongue.

God, it was intense.

Neil was aware time was passing because he could hear the movie playing, but he had no idea how long they’d been at this. His cock pounded in Lou’s tight grip, but he didn’t know how to make himself come again. He felt too sensitive, too raw, and yet there was still sweet pressure building once more as Lou’s tongue worked over his prostate.

His stomach and thighs flexed, and a shudder ran through his whole body that made his nipples hard and his breath catch. He was going to come again. He could feel it building as if it was a far away sensation, something completely outside of himself, and he moaned as it suddenly slammed into him like a ton of bricks.

Neil’s back arched, his hips thrusting forward as he fucked Lou’s palm. He couldn’t speak, left with only low grunts and whimpers as his second orgasm rocked him down to his very core. He collapsed, exhausted and his muscles singing of their exertion. His hair was damp with sweat, and goose bumps were pricking up all over his back. The air in here was too cool now, and he groaned low.

“Lou, please… I…” Neil didn’t even know what he was begging for.

Lou finally withdrew his tongue with a noisy slurp. “It’s okay, baby. I’m gonna fuck you now.”

Neil was vaguely aware of his body sliding forward so he was stretched out across the couch on his stomach. Lou removed his tattered pants, and Neil smiled when Lou kissed his hip. He was relaxed, foggy, and he sighed happily as Lou’s slick cock teased against his hole.

“Look at that… so pretty.” Lou touched Neil’s asshole, a finger sliding around his wet rim. “So soft and open… Mmm, I bet my knot will slide right in, baby.”

“Yes, sir,” Neil murmured. “Yes, please. Give it to me, please.”

Lou pushed his cock inside, both of them gasping as he easily plunged forward. Lou didn’t stop until he’d buried himself completely, and he draped himself over Neil’s back.

Neil groaned, grinding greedily on Lou’s cock. Lou’s tongue was amazing, but he loved being so full of his big cock. His insides were throbbing from the stretch, and he grinned dumbly as Lou fucked him, huffing out a delirious laugh. “Fuck yeah.”

Lou pressed his face into the crook of Neil’s shoulder. He laid a sweet kiss there before biting down hard, growling as he thrust into him as mercilessly as he’d fucked him with his tongue.

Neil’s entire body shook from each forceful slam, and he moaned low, the rest of the world vanishing except for the deep press of Lou’s cock inside of him. He took it all, grunting and mewling, but he stopped trying to keep up. Just arching his hips to meet Lou’s thrusts was too much, and he melted into the couch and let Lou take everything he wanted.

Every wicked thrust summoned bolts of lightning to Neil’s cock, reminding him he’d already come twice and that his senses were approaching maximum capacity. He was surprised by how easy it would be to drift off right now, even in the middle of getting righteously fucked. The blissful haze he was lost in was like nothing he’d ever experienced before, leaving him buzzed and sluggish, and he sank farther with each thrust.

God, yes.

He’d never felt pleasure like this, pushed beyond his very limits and reduced to nothing but the raw components of this intimate act—pressure, friction, touch, heat. The sounds coming out of Lou were primal and deep, his snarls growing into roars that reverberated through Neil’s chest. It added another layer of feeling that Neil was unable to quantify other than knowing he was experiencing it, a deep rumble that only added to his ecstatic experience.

The pop of the knot made Neil cry out, and he struggled against the wild sensation of being filled with thick come so rapidly. It brought him out of the cloud he’d been wandering in, fully grounded once more as Lou claimed him with another fierce bite to his shoulder.

“Oh… oh, God… ah…!” Neil whimpered.

“There you go,” Lou soothed, licking at the bite he’d left. “There you go, baby. Take it. Such a good boy for me.”

Neil’s eyes fluttered, and he swore he was going to fall through the couch cushions because he was pretty sure he was turning into human goo. He was hot, his skin was tingling, and his loins ached from being so thoroughly used. He reached up to wipe at his eyes, surprised to find them damp.

“Are you all right, baby?” Lou rumbled, kissing behind Neil’s ear.

“Good,” Neil replied breathlessly. “Feel… fuzzy.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Neil shifted his hips to feel the pull of the knot. “I think… I… I don’t know.” He laughed. “I’ve never felt anything like this. It’s… wow.” He laughed again. “I’m shaking.”

“I’m right here, baby,” Lou said. “I won’t let you float away, I promise.” He kissed Neil’s shoulder again and wrapped his arms around him. “I’m right fuckin’ here.”

Neil smiled and closed his eyes, reaching up to hold Lou’s shoulder. Feeling Lou’s hot skin peppered with patches of fur was grounding, and he was able to catch his breath. The fog over his thoughts remained, but he was more conscious of what was happening and Lou’s gentle touches along his skin.

Lou circled his hips, forcing the knot to shift inside of Neil’s hole. “Do you think you can come again, baby?”

“I…” Neil moaned softly. “I… I don’t think so.”

“Mmm, I think I can get you there.”

“Christ.”

“You just wait, baby. I’m not done with you yet.”

When Lou’s knot finally released them, Lou picked up Neil and carried him to the bedroom. Neil was especially grateful for having a very strong and buff werewolf boyfriend because he knew he would not have been able to walk on his own. His limbs trembled even as Lou moved him onto the bed, stretching him right in the middle of the mattress.

Neil smiled drowsily as Lou mounted him once more, and his legs fell apart to welcome him between them. “Again?”

“Again.” Lou kissed him. “I’m going to breed you again… and again… until I make you come.”

“F-fuck.” Neil managed to reach up to grab Lou’s hair. “Yes, fuckin’ do it. Breed me. Just keep fuckin’ filling me up.”

“I will, baby. I won’t stop until you’re dripping.” Lou kissed him, guiding his cock back to Neil’s slick hole.

Neil moaned when Lou thrust back inside of him, and he lost time again. He drifted between each delicious slam, letting Lou move his body however he wanted to best please him. By the time he’d taken another knot, Neil realized Lou was trying to find which position Neil liked best. Lou was turning him and flipping him across the mattress, giving him more and more, but still he didn’t stop.

It wasn’t until Neil was on his back again with his knees to his chest that he knew for certain that it was Neil’s pleasure Lou was chasing, and not his own. Neil grabbed Lou’s face to pull him into a needy kiss, pleading, “This… just like this…”

“Yeah, baby?” Lou growled. “Are you gonna come for me?”

“Spank me,” Neil said, too far gone to feel a lick of shame for how desperate he sounded. “Fuck, please. Spank me!”

Lou snarled, and his reaction was an immediate crack of his palm across Neil’s ass.

Neil groaned, the hot sting waking up a new level of sensation inside of him. His balls throbbed and his cock twitched, and he gasped as his body squeezed around Lou’s cock. A new spanking to his other cheek forced another groan from the back of his throat, and he grinded down to meet Lou’s dick to increase the pressure.

He hadn’t felt the urge to orgasm since coming nearly back to back out on the couch, but now it was a fever boiling in his veins and he needed relief. He cried out as Lou continued to spank him, smacking his cheeks and his upper thighs, each collision of flesh ramping up the pounding in Neil’s loins until he was sobbing. “Yes! Yes, yes, yes! Please, fuck!”

Lou howled, a piercing sound that shook the bed, and Neil could feel his fat knot slapping against his hole.

“Give it to me! Fuck! Yes!” Neil was howling too, not even recognizing the wild sound of his own voice as he strained every muscle in the pursuit of his climax. Lou spanked him in a previously struck spot on his cheek, and the white-hot surge of pain shoved Neil right over the edge. He could hardly believe he was coming again, and he crashed his lips against Lou’s as he rode out the heavy waves rushing over him.

It was a series of short but sweet surges, and he swore his soul was trying to leave him through the head of his dick. His eyes met Lou’s, stunned by the adoration and passion he found there, and he gasped as Lou’s swollen knot pushed inside of him. He still didn’t look away, locked into Lou’s gaze as they fell apart together, and Neil had never felt closer to another person.

It was truly as if they were one flesh in that beautiful moment, and Neil groaned as Lou gave him one final slam. He could feel the erratic bulge of Lou’s muscles swelling and waning as he returned to his human form, and he gently caressed Lou’s cheek, his fingers chasing the bits of fur as they retreated. He blinked away the sting of tears in his eyes, whispering, “Wow.”

“Wow,” Lou agreed.

Neil clung to Lou, trying to hold on to the beautiful closeness. He smiled as Lou’s arms came around him, and they embraced. “Hey. We don’t have to do anything tomorrow, right?”

“No, baby.”

“Or the day after that?”

“Probably not too much.”

“Good.” Neil hugged him tighter.

Lou nuzzled Neil’s throat, and they both sighed at the same time, a breathy satisfied exhale that made them both chuckle at how in sync it was.

“I really hope Myrna gave us extra sex towels.” Neil grinned.

Lou chuckled. “Yeah, I think she did.”

“When you pull out, we’re definitely gonna need them.”

CHAPTER TWENTY

The towels were indeed handy when Lou’s knot shrunk back down so they could separate, and Lou took his time cleaning Neil up. He was particularly gentle as he caressed between Neil’s legs, offering soft kisses across his welted cheeks and thighs.

Neil drank up the sweet attention, and he longed to touch himself and feel how Lou had ruined him. However, his arms were full of cement and stayed down by his sides, useless in their exhaustion.

Lou nuzzled Neil’s hip. “Thank you.”

“Sure, yeah, you’re welcome.” Neil paused. “For what?”

“I know you lied about jerking off.” Lou smirked. “You wanted to get my mind off fighting with Michel.”

“What?” Neil grinned. “I mean, maybe.”

“Thank you,” Lou said again more earnestly. “I hope you enjoyed your punishment.”

“Definitely feels more like a reward.” Neil chuckled. “I haven’t come like that since high school. Well, okay, there was this one time I broke the wall at the flower shop…”

“Scandalous,” Lou teased.

“It was pretty damn scandalous. Don’t tell Izba.”

“My lips are sealed, baby.” Lou smiled warmly. “Now, tell me what you need.”

“Uh.” Neil’s brain couldn’t register a coherent thought. “I have no idea. That was… wow. That’s all I got.”

“Are you hurting anywhere?”

“I wouldn’t say no to a bag of frozen peas for my asshole, but other than that I’m okay.” Neil brushed Lou’s hair back from his face. “I've never felt anything like that. Like…”

“Like what, baby?” Lou scooted closer, lying beside Neil and draping his arm over his chest.

“Like we were really super connected. Actual meeting of the souls type crap.” Neil instinctively rubbed at his eyes to fight back the tears he felt trying to bubble up. “It was like I was sinking, lost in some big ass ocean, but you were right there to pull me back up. I feel weird. Good, but like, shaky and I keep getting really emotional.”

“Absolutely normal,” Lou promised him. “Giving yourself over to someone takes a lot of trust. It can be an exceptionally emotional experience. And when it’s over, you crash.”

“Like a hangover?”

“In a sense. That’s why it’s so important for me to take care of you when we’re done. To make sure you’re not hurting in any way, physical or otherwise.” Lou kissed him sweetly. “I want you to know that I think you’re the most incredible man I’ve ever met, and yes, I do mean monster or otherwise. I’ve told you that before, but—”

“You can tell me as many times as you want.”

“Then I will.” Lou smiled. “I’ve never wanted anyone… like I want you.”

Neil’s heart thumped. “I’m yours, baby.”

“Good.” Lou kissed him.

Neil sank down into the mattress, loving the weight of Lou on top of him. He was still buzzing from the incredible sex, and he shivered at the reverent way Lou traced his curves. He felt beautiful, adored, and he petted Lou’s long hair as their lips met again and again in sweet kisses.

“Mm, I think I have some lo mein that still needs eating,” Neil murmured.

“Oh?” Lou grinned. “Would you like me to bring it to you?”

“Yes. Please, yes.” Neil stretched his legs with a low groan. “Can you feed me too? That would be so nice.”

“Absolutely.”

Neil blinked. “I mean, I was kidding…”

“I’m not.” Lou winked. “I’ll be right back, baby.”

“Okie dokie.” Neil laughed, watching Lou bounce out of bed. He let himself enjoy the delightful visual of Lou leaving, grunting as he stared down Lou’s full, muscular ass.

Life was very, very good right now.

Yes, there were still mobsters and bad monsters and possibly traitors afoot, but Neil was unbelievably happy.

Lou did indeed bring the food into the bedroom to feed Neil, expertly twirling the noodles around his chopsticks to bring to his mouth. Neil was in heaven, and he devoured the entire container. Lou massaged Neil’s hips and thighs, snuggling in behind him as they drifted toward sleep.

Neil didn’t think he’d ever been so satisfied, and he was aware of a wonderful ache that echoed across his body and resonated in his bones.

Sex with a werewolf was really the best thing ever.

No, stuffing himself with Chinese food after sex with a werewolf and falling asleep in said werewolf’s arms was the best.

For the first time in a long time, Neil was excited about the future.

Whatever the universe was going to rain down on him, Lou was going to be there with him. Neil didn’t have to face it alone because he had his werewolf boyfriend by his side.

Plus Izba.

And Myrna and Flanders.

And the Acrobat and the Romantic and all the other spirits inside the Reliquary.

Except maybe Buffy.

Neil was still a tiny bit nervous about meeting her.

* * *

Neil woke up once again being used as Lou’s personal teddy bear, happy and warm, but also sore. His hips and thighs were complaining, as was his ass, but he found he actually enjoyed the dull throb. It was a stark reminder of how Lou had thoroughly ruined him last night over and over, and the recollection sent a surge of heat right to his dick.

Okay, yeah, he could definitely go again.

He rocked his hips back subtly, smiling when he felt the fullness of Lou’s cock against his butt. The slight shift stirred Lou awake, and his arm tightened around Neil’s middle.

“Mm. Good morning,” Lou rumbled.

“Good morning,” Neil said, squeezing Lou’s forearm.

Lou sleepily kissed Neil’s shoulder. “Sleep well?”

“Awesome. You?”

“Very well.” Lou chuckled, kissing up Neil’s neck.

Neil arched into Lou’s hot mouth. “Wanna make it even better?”

“I’m open to suggestions.”

Neil grinded his ass back on Lou’s cock.

“Ah… I believe that can be arranged.”

Lou slid right in slowly, and Neil shivered at how easily his body opened up for Lou’s thick cock. After the ferocious sex last night, it was nice to take their time. The tenderness of his body added to the heightened pleasure, and Lou worshiped Neil with gentle thrusts and adoring caresses. Neil came first, spilling into Lou’s hand and groaning as Lou’s knot swelled within him just a few moments later.

Neil voted that they go back to sleep, but Lou cruelly insisted they get up for a shower. Neil tried to argue that they’d technically had a bath last night, but Lou wouldn’t hear it. Into the shower they went, where Lou made good on his promise to properly shampoo and condition Neil’s hair with a deep scalp massage.

Neil decided that made up for the torture of having to get up early.

Myrna had their chai ready, and Neil was surprised that he was actually hungry. He didn’t usually eat in the mornings, but he and Lou had worked up quite an appetite. With his jacket off and his tie tucked into his shirt, Lou cooked them omelets again.

Neil’s sweats had been destroyed, though arguably for a very good cause, and he’d opted to wear his new silky pajama pants to stretch out on the couch.

“You need to get changed,” Lou said as he brought their plates to the coffee table.

“I do?” Neil scowled. “But I’m so comfortable.”

Lou put the plates down and then swatted at Neil’s legs to move. “Come on now.”

“Why? What are we doing today?”

“Dagobert will be here shortly to tell me what he found last night.”

“He couldn’t text?”

“He’s not very good at replying to them.” Lou smiled. “Go on. Eat.”

“You’re lucky I like your cooking.”

“It’s one of the many ways I know I can bribe you. With food.”

“Yeah? What’s another?” Neil sat up to dig in.

“Orgasms. Obviously.” Lou winked.

“Fair.” Neil took a big bite of omelet. “So, what’s the plan? Other than waiting for Count Suckula to come over?”

“I have more business meetings to attend to.”

“You mean like the kind I can’t come to?”

“Yes.” Lou’s smile dimmed slightly. “I’m afraid that—”

“Oh!” Myrna, who was doubtlessly cleaning the kitchen, called out, “Dagobert is here, Lou!”

There was a knock at the door.

“Please let him in,” Lou said.

“Wait, you’re afraid of what now?” Neil frowned. “That sounded like you were about to say something really important.”

“Later, baby.” Lou patted Neil’s thigh.

Dagobert came waltzing in, somehow appearing more gaunt than usual, and he was wearing small round sunglasses. They were red to match his scarlet brocade outfit, and he said flatly, “I want you to know that I am going to sleep for the rest of the day and probably part of tonight. I am exhausted.”

“What did you find out?” Lou asked briskly.

“Good morning, Dagobert. Thank you so much for all you do. You’re so appreciated.” Dagobert gasped. “Why, Louis! Thank you! That’s so very kind of you to say… except you didn’t.”

“I’m sorry, but I have reason to believe Michel is going to challenge me today. I need to prepare.”

“Delightful.”

“He’s gonna what now?” Neil demanded.

“Later—” Lou cut his eyes at Neil. “—mate.”

Neil knew that was meant to be a reminder that he was supposed to be a nice, obedient mate right now, but he also knew Dagobert was already aware of the not-so-genuine start of their relationship. “How about you suck my dick, mate? Tell me what’s going on.”

Lou ignored him. “Bertie, please.”

“Bertie, please no.” Neil glared at Lou. “Why aren’t you telling me?”

“Because it’s not important right now and you’d do well to know your place.”

“My place is right here, caring about you and pissing you off.”

“Later,” Lou said again, more pleading this time.

Neil gritted his teeth and tried to resist the urge to smack Lou in the forehead with his plate.

Lou sighed. “Now, Bertie? If you please.”

“The files at the office confirmed that the werebear, Roger, was indeed an employee,” Dagobert said. “They are absolutely tainting the pesticides. I found evidence at the warehouse of both ritual and concoction. They’re making the plague potion right inside and distributing it directly into the store of pesticides. The chemicals are kept inside a locked cabinet, but there’s a log of their weekly inspection. I have three names. The same three people appear to be the only ones with keys to the cabinet and access to the chemicals.”

“Who are they?”

“Here.” Dagobert pulled out a piece of paper from his jacket to give Lou. “Names and addresses for the other two. The third was Roger, but of course we know he’s unavailable for a chat.”

Neil’s stomach twisted, and he put his fork down.

“It would seem that the ribelli were already trying to brew up another batch.” Dagobert smirked. “You’ll be pleased to know that the warehouse came down with an unfortunate case of arson.”

“Thank you, Bertie.”

“There! Was that so hard?” Dagobert huffed with a flick of his hand. “Gratitude! How refreshing.”

Lou smirked. “Have a good rest, Bertie.”

“I hope you’re still in charge when I wake up.” Dagobert rubbed his forehead. “Please be careful.”

“I will.”

“Farewell.” Dagobert vanished in a plume of black smoke.

Because of course.

Vampire.

“Now what the fuck is going on?” Neil demanded sharply. “What’s this about a challenge?”

“It’s a common albeit archaic practice amongst monsters, particularly those who tend to live in groups like weres.” Lou sipped his chai. “If you have serious doubts about the abilities of your leader, you challenge them to a contest of physical combat.”

“To the death?” Neil paled.

“What? No. We stopped doing that in, like, the seventies.”

Neil was marginally relieved, but not by much. “Okay, so, what happens then?”

“If the challenger wins, they assume control. In my case, Michel would be challenging me to be the new underboss and would take over my territory.”

“Which would be bad.”

“It won’t happen.” Lou went back to his omelet. “Trust me.”

“I know you’re big and bad, wolf pun intended, but shouldn’t you at least be a tiny bit concerned?”

“Not at all.” Lou snorted. “I can defeat Michel easily. We grew up together, and I know all of his tricks. I’m not worried about it—” His phone rang.

“Dun dun dunnn!” Neil waved his hands.

“Very funny.” Lou answered the phone. “Hello?”

Neil tried to lean in so he could listen, but the voice on the other end was too low for him to make out anything.

Myrna popped up right beside Neil, whispering, “Lou is being summoned for an urgent family meeting! He was right. It must be the challenge.”

“Understood,” Lou said into the phone. “We’ll be right there.” He hung up, scowling lightly at Myrna. “Nosey.”

“It’s not my fault I have excellent hearing,” she cooed sweetly.

Neil noticed the coffee table’s mosaic moving.

IS LOU IN TROUBLE?

“No,” Lou said firmly.

“Who was that on the phone?” Neil asked.

“It was Q.” Lou stood, leaving the rest of his omelet and chai behind. “I have been summoned to a family meeting to accept a challenge for my position as underboss of the Terrestrial realm monsters.”

“Fuckin’ seriously?”

“After my conversation with Michel yesterday, I’m really not surprised.” Lou was already putting on his jacket. “He has every right to doubt me—”

“Because of me?” Neil frowned.

“Yes.” Lou shrugged. “And because I’m keeping things from him. I’m sure he believes that he’s doing what’s best for our family.”

“You are weirdly calm about this…”

“Because I already know I can beat him.”

ARE YOU SURE? YOU LOOK A LITTLE BLOATED

“That’s not nice, Izba,” Neil scolded.

“Everything is going to be fine,” Lou said firmly. “Go on and get dressed, baby. You’re coming with me.”

“I am?”

“Of course.” Lou smiled. “I’ll need my mate there to cheer me on.”

“This feels really gross. Like an entire vat of toxic macho garbage.”

“It’ll be fine.” Lou winked slyly. “Who knows. You might even like it.”

“Doubtful.”

“Me ripping my clothes off…”

“Wait, really?” Neil hated how easily his interest was piqued.

“Shifting, my muscles bulging…”

“Okay, fine, I’ll go.” Neil snorted. “But we’d better have sex right after.”

“Baby, I’ll fuck you right there on the table in front of Q.”

“Jesus Christ, you’re hot.”

It was difficult to get dressed with a half-hard dick, but Neil managed. His anxiety eased his desire, his heart thumping erratically as they headed upstairs. They were literally going to meet with Lou’s family so he could fight one of his own men. Even though Lou was confident, it didn’t make Neil feel any better.

What if he got hurt?

What if Michel went all Scar and Mufasa and threw Lou out a window?

Lou’s hand on Neil’s shoulder was meant to be comforting, but Neil still felt sick as they exited the elevator on the thirty-third and a third floor.

Marcus was there to greet them as before, and he stood up with a grim smile. “Hello, Mr. Morénas-Mostro, uh, Mr. Ricci. They’re waiting for you.”

“That was fast,” Neil grumbled.

“I expect Michel called this meeting behind my back,” Lou said calmly. “He probably called Q. last night.”

“And you’re still okay with this?”

“I’d like to think he’s doing it for the good of the family. Can’t fault him for that.”

“Good luck,” Marcus said with a shy smile.

“Thank you, Marcus.” Lou paused to look over Marcus’s neck.

Marcus blinked. “Uh, is there a problem, sir?”

“Was curious if you’d been successful with your courting.” Lou smirked. “That’s all.”

Marcus laughed. “Oh, well, Logan wouldn’t bite me where anyone can see it!” His eyes widened. “I mean, uh…”

“Good luck to you too, Marcus.” Lou chuckled as he headed toward the doors.

“Seriously?” Neil eyed Lou. “You really think you have time to joke around like that?”

“Of course.” Lou squeezed Neil’s hand. “Baby, there is nothing to worry about. I promise.”

The doors opened, and Neil’s heart immediately dropped into his shoes as they walked in.

Q., Mr. Heiss, Absolis, and Vilanos were already seated at the table. Michel was sitting in Lou’s seat. Roland was standing next to Michel, and he looked worried. Sariel was hovering behind Mr. Heiss, but he just looked depressed.

Neil flinched when the doors shut behind them.

“Thank you for coming so quickly,” Q. said sternly. “Michel has raised some serious accusations against you. He believes your human has polluted your judgment and called into question your ability to lead your family.”

Michel didn’t even look at Lou.

Asshole.

“He believes that the human has somehow bewitched you and claims that your relationship is a sham,” Q. went on. “Do you have anything to say in your defense?”

“Any decision I make is for the good of our family,” Lou replied with a growl rumbling his voice. “Any information I choose to withhold is not of his concern.” His eyes burned into the back of Michel’s head. “A good second would know his place is to obey and not to question my decisions.”

“And the human?” Q.’s dark eyes found Neil.

Neil shrank back, and he was grateful for Myrna’s hand on his shoulder to give him a comforting squeeze. He kept his teeth together to restrain himself from making a smart comment.

“Neil is my mate,” Lou said firmly. “I care for him very deeply. If Michel is bothered that I didn’t tell him about my new relationship, maybe he should examine his vile bigotry toward humans. I believe he’ll find the answers he seeks there.”

“Oh!” Absolis blinked in apparent surprise. “Is that why?”

“It must be why!” Vilanos declared.

“Why what?” Mr. Heiss asked bluntly.

“Why Lou-Lou didn’t want to tell us,” Absolis replied. “About his real relationship.”

“Because their relationship is so very, very real,” added Vilanos.

Neil was struck by how oddly sincere the pair sounded.

That probably wasn’t good.

“And how exactly did you two come to that conclusion?” Q. asked, raising his brow.

“Because we took pictures,” Vilanos and Absolis answered in unison and then laughed.

“What?” Lou snarled. “Pictures of what?”

“Your mate told us to take a picture,” Absolis said with a coy smile. “But he didn’t say how many or when.”

“So we chose how many and when,” said Vilanos.

“And we took several whenever we wanted.” Absolis cackled.

“Wait, what?” Neil stared stupidly. “I never…”

Back at the restaurant, he realized suddenly. He’d told them to take some pictures of him when they were both staring at him.

Oh shit.

“They’re fae, darling,” Myrna whispered. “They will take you at your word, often quite literally.”

“Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck,” Neil mumbled.

“Silly human,” Absolis teased. “Don’t worry. We’re not going to share them.”

Vilanos winked. “Except with each other, of course.”

Neil wondered if he could knock himself out if he ran hard enough at the wall.

Probably not, but he was willing to try.

“Would you two be willing to swear that Louis and his human are in a relationship?” Q. asked sharply. “No tricks.”

“On our honor,” Absolis said with an obedient bow of his head that Vilanos mirrored.

“Neil is most impressive for a human.” Vilanos turned to wink at Neil. “Lou is absolutely smitten with him, and he with him. We can see why the Reliquary chose him over Lou. So much passion.”

“It’s simply bursting out of that fragile mortal vessel.”

“Positively oozing.”

“Absolutely flooding—”

“Practically—”

“Enough,” Q. barked.

Absolis and Vilanos snickered.

Neil bit his tongue to prevent himself from commenting, but he was actually grateful in a weird way. Absolis and Vilanos had been two of their biggest critics up until now. The fact they were defending him and Lou, however invasive and gross, was a welcome surprise.

Q’s eyes darted to Michel. “Do you wish to recant your claim?”

“No,” Michel replied shortly.

Lou snorted.

“Very well.” Q. waved to Mr. Heiss.

“Michel has issued a challenge,” Mr. Heiss said, his bright eyes meeting Lou’s. “Do you accept?”

“Yes,” Lou replied without hesitation.

“Will you fight this battle yourself or—”

“Yes.”

Mr. Heiss’s gaze snapped to Michel. “Will you fight this battle yourself or—”

“I choose Roland as my second to fight in my stead.”

“What?” Lou growled.

“What?” Roland’s own roar nearly drowned Lou’s voice out, and he glared furiously at Michel. “You want me to fight him?”

“It’s for the good of the family,” Michel said sternly. “You know this, Roland. You know I need you. You told me to do whatever I thought was right, and this is it. You agreed to come with me—”

“Not to fight your fucking challenge for you!” Roland roared, orange and black fur rippling across his face as he struggled to control himself. “I refuse!”

“You cannot,” Mr. Heiss warned. “You came here in attendance of Michel, which means you were willing to fight for him. Certainly you knew that when you accepted his invitation here to support him. Should you decline, you will be banished. Forfeit or otherwise attempt to throw the fight, and you will be banished. Do you understand?”

Roland’s face contorted, hopelessly conflicted, and he turned to Lou. “Sir, I—”

“It’s fine,” Lou said harshly. He took a deep breath, trying for a gentler tone as he said, “It’s fine, Roland.”

Roland nodded meekly. “Yes, sir.”

Lou took off his jacket. He handed it to Neil, and his brow had that awful pinched look to it. He was worried.

Which now meant Neil was worried.

“What the fuck?” Neil whispered to Myrna, hoping she understood.

“Oh, well, dear.” Myrna gulped. “Fighting Michel was a sure win. Roland is a weretiger, one of the largest and most powerful weres. It… It may be difficult for him.”

“How difficult?” Neil mumbled.

Myrna grinned nervously. “Oh. Very.”

Lou stripped down to nothing, handing off the rest of his clothing to Neil. He morphed into his full glorious wolf form, his blue eyes shining bright as he bared his teeth. He was beautiful, fearsome, and he stood on his hind legs, towering over Roland with a ferocious howl.

Roland let out a thundering roar in reply as he transformed, his clothes flying off in shreds from the force of his change. His already massive body nearly doubled in size as orange and black fur erupted over his skin, and he bared his sharp teeth as his face changed into that of a tiger’s snarling maw.

Roland was big.

Really big.

Much bigger than Lou right down to the tip of his swishing tail. He looked like Shere Khan and Arnold Schwarzenegger had a baby, and then that baby had steroids.

Well.

Shit.

Neil hugged Lou’s clothes to his chest. “We… we can’t do anything?”

“No,” Myrna said sadly. “No one is allowed to interfere.”

“Why can’t I be his champion?” Neil demanded.

“Lou chose himself!” Myrna clung to Neil’s arm. “The best thing we can do is stay out of the way.”

“Like hell,” Neil muttered.

Roland and Lou hadn’t moved yet, standing a few yards apart and poised to strike. The air was tense, the anticipation heavy, and Neil was two seconds away from screaming for Flanders and ending this entire nightmare right now.

Lou looked back at Neil, and he smiled.

It was fleeting and did little to comfort Neil.

Even if this battle wasn’t to the death, he didn’t want to see his werewolf boyfriend get his ass kicked and lose his family. He knew how much it meant to Lou, and Neil hated feeling so damn helpless.

Q. stood from his seat, pausing to adjust his tie. He glanced between the two weres, saying calmly, “Begin.”

Lou attacked first, throwing himself at Roland and knocking him back against the table. The table rocked, but Q. and the others remained seated. Lou went right for Roland’s throat, biting down hard as he clawed at his chest.

Roland took a few seconds to recover, but then he grabbed Lou’s head with an angry yowl. He pulled Lou off of him and threw him across the room like a toy. Lou hit the far wall with a pitiful yip, and Roland chased after him. They locked up again, roaring and growling, sometimes moving too fast for Neil to make out what was happening.

It was a blur of Lou’s shadowy wolf and the orange streak that was Roland. Furniture crashed and flew about as they battled, and Neil squeezed the clothing in his arms so tightly that his fingers throbbed. He saw a splash of blood hit the floor, but he had no idea whose it was. At one point, Roland had Lou pinned, and Neil was ready to call forth Eugene the Fiend or whoever else might be in the Reliquary to wreck some shit—

“Finish him!” Michel pleaded. “Just finish him and be done with this bullshit! Come the fuck on, Roland! His time is over! He’s a fucking traitor!”

“Hey!” Neil saw red. He dropped Lou’s clothing, marching right up to Michel as his blood boiled over. Any common sense that should have warned him wanting to square off with a werewolf was a bad idea had promptly exited his brain. “Hey, ass face!”

Michel’s shoulders bulged, and he growled low. “You’re not a part of this, human.”

“The fuck I’m not!” Neil shoved Michel as hard as he could, nearly knocking him out of his chair. “You cowardly piece of fucking buffalo vomit! Can’t even fight your own battles, huh?”

Michel snarled, and his eyes glowed yellow.

“Neil! Neil! Don’t!” Myrna pleaded. “It won’t—”

Neil’s ears didn’t register the warning. He reared back and punched Michel in the face as hard as he could. “Fuck you!”

Michel was on his feet in a blink and grabbed Neil by his shoulders. He lifted him right off the ground, his voice hoarse with his rage as he snapped, “You are going to regret that.”

“Not as much as I’m going to regret this!” Neil slammed both of his feet right into Michel’s crotch with all of his strength. “Wolfman has nards, motherfucker!”

Michel dropped Neil immediately, grabbing his groin with a pained whine. “Oh… you… are dead!”

Q. and the others at the table didn’t move to interfere, though Absolis and Vilanos cackled as if this was the most hilarious thing they’d ever seen.

Lou howled, a mighty and beautiful sound, and he flipped Roland off of him. Roland came at him once more, but Lou dodged his claws and went for his throat. Lou was smaller, yes, but he was definitely faster. He didn’t let go this time, and he got a hold of Roland’s arm. There was a loud crack as Roland’s arm snapped, and Roland roared in agony.

Down to the ground they went again, this time with Lou on top. He pulled off Roland’s throat, blood blossoming over the white fur of Roland’s throat from a deep puncture wound.

“Do you yield?” Lou roared.

“Y-yes…” Roland whimpered, his body reverting to its human form. The damage to his throat was even more obvious now, and Neil had to turn away from all the blood. Roland went limp, his eyes rolling back. “I yield… boss.”

Lou shifted back, quickly pressing his hands to the wound in Roland’s throat. His eyes, still wild and feral, snapped up to Q.’s. “Are you satisfied?”

“Yes, we are,” Q. said quickly. “Louis Morénas-Mostro will remain the underboss of all Terrestrial monsters.”

“Let it be known that Roland is now my second-in-command, and Michel—” Lou’s fierce gaze bore into Michel, still crumpled on the floor holding his crushed balls. “—is hereby stripped of all his rights and privileges as a member of this family.” Lou’s bright eyes snapped to Neil. “As soon as my new second’s medical needs are attended to, you’ll have to excuse me. I need to go fuck my mate’s brains out.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

Lou instructed Neil to summon Sawbones to tend to Roland’s injuries, and Sariel escorted Michel out. The last Neil saw of Michel was one last hateful glare, and Neil flipped him off with a smug smile. Sawbones pulled a rusty needle out of his open mouth to sew up Roland’s throat, and then he slathered what looked and smelled like bacon grease on his other wounds.

The tears in Roland’s flesh grew together, and Roland was able to stand.

Naked, of course, but Neil kept his eyes averted.

Sariel certainly didn’t, openly gawking when he returned from kicking Michel out.

“I am sorry,” Roland said earnestly, speaking to Lou and taking his hand. “I did not know that Michel was going to ask me. And I am sorry that I let him get into my head.” He bowed. “Please forgive me.”

“There is nothing to forgive.” Lou smiled. “Trust that I will reveal everything to you when the time is right.”

“How about right now?” Q. challenged.

“Excuse me?”

“Right now.” Q. crossed his arms. “I already know you’ve been to visit Minnie Moore and that one of the city’s warehouses mysteriously caught fire early this morning. There’s also rumors of a plague running rampant at the ward and ribelli poisoning our own ranks.” He smirked. “As eager as you are to take your mate to bed, I believe some answers are in order first.”

Lou managed to keep his cool, replying casually, “Those are some incredible rumors.”

“But is there any truth to them?” Mr. Heiss pressed. “Absolis and Vilanos tell me that their contact at Hanson Funeral Home has been very busy lately. With dead weres.”

Absolis and Vilanos preened.

Those fancy beautiful assholes.

Neil picked up Lou’s clothes from the floor to bring over to him. He figured a man should at least be wearing pants while he was being accused of lying.

Lou got dressed, saying, “Believe that I can handle anything happening in my territory. If there is any truth to these silly stories, trust that I am taking care of it.”

“I would love to, except that burning down city property draws a lot of attention,” Mr. Heiss said dryly. “Exactly the kind of attention that none of us want. There will be investigations, questions, probes—”

“Probes?” Absolis perked up, and Vilanos appeared equally intrigued.

Mr. Heiss scowled in disgust.

“Is it the ribelli?” Q. asked, and there was a funny smile on his face. It was the sort of smile that said he already knew the answer and was baiting Lou to see if he’d tell the truth or not.

Lou looked to Roland and then to Neil as he straightened out his tie. He kneeled to retie his shoes, replying, “Perhaps.”

Roland said nothing, putting on a new set of clothes that had suddenly appeared at his feet.

Considering all the magical power in this room, they could have come from anywhere.

“Then I must insist that you tell us. The ribelli are a danger to us all. Should you fail, the rest of us and the monsters we protect remain at risk.” Q.’s eyes flickered with sparkles, strange orbs of light that looked like stars. “Lou, please.”

Lou’s face was unreadable, and Neil reached up to gently lay his hand on Lou’s back.

He didn’t know what Lou was going to do, and despite the lack of Lou’s telltale brow pinch, Neil knew he was conflicted. Lou wouldn’t want to expose how weak his family was right now, but Neil also knew that Lou would do anything to protect them.

Even revealing their vulnerability.

“There has been… some trouble,” Lou said at last.

“Have a seat.” Q. gestured to Lou’s chair. “In your rightful place.”

Lou glanced to Neil with a wry smile. “My apologies. The fucking of your brains out will be temporarily put on hold, baby.”

“That’s okay.” Neil followed Lou to his chair to stand behind him as Sariel hovered by Mr. Heiss. “I can wait.”

“Good boy.”

Neil shivered.

“There has been a plague infecting weres for a few months,” Lou said slowly. “We’ve lost many. I was able to create the cure with aid from the spirits of the Reliquary, but it keeps coming back. Thanks to my mate, we discovered that the ribelli have been contaminating the city’s azaleas with tainted pesticides to distribute the plague. They were also likely behind a plot to sabotage an attempt to make the cure where the main ingredient, a rare cactus, was destroyed right under our very noses.

“To complicate matters, we believe that the ribelli are working with a group of human criminals, the Smiths. They are producing a new synthetic opioid with the intention of flooding the streets in my territory to create an epidemic that will damage our relationship with the police. They’ve apparently been recruiting monsters to their cause, and I already know of one location where they’re producing the drug.

“We learned that a shipment of their product is arriving this Friday, and I already have plans in place to intercept it and then give the police an anonymous tip so they have the joy of raiding the location we discovered. The only other lead we had was for a werebear who was likely responsible for the sabotage, but that ended up a dead end. Literally. Seizing the shipment is now our best bet for tracking down the ribelli and bringing down the Smith family.”

Mr. Heiss’s eyes were wide, and Absolis and Vilanos looked equally surprised. Only Q. seemed unimpressed by the incredible revelations. The silence that followed was miserable, and Neil almost wished he could fart just to break it.

“Well.” Q. leaned forward. “Then you’ll be needing reinforcements to make sure that the product doesn’t make it into their hands, won’t you?”

It was Lou’s turn to be taken aback. “You’re not angry with me for withholding information?”

“A good leader understands the strength it takes to rule alone,” Q. replied, “but a great leader knows when he must call on the strength of others to assist him. I understand why you kept the plight of the weres to yourself, for fear of appearing weak, but now that the stakes are so high, I am pleased you have decided to be more forthcoming.”

“The ribelli wouldn’t stop with destroying you,” Mr. Heiss said. “Once you were out of the way, they’d use your territory to come after the rest of us. They must be eradicated. At once.”

“While they clearly decided to go after the weakest member of the family first, an attack on one of us is an attack on us all.” Absolis winked.

“We simply cannot stand for that,” Vilanos added. “After all, you’re still family.”

“I’m sure you understand why I have a difficult time believing that.” Lou scowled.

“Don’t worry, little brother,” Absolis teased. “We won’t try to seize any of your property.”

“Yet,” taunted Vilanos with a wink.

“It’s no fun if you’re not at full strength.”

“No fun at all.”

“Well.” Mr. Heiss smirked. “While I do not share their reservations about what might be considered fun since I’m only interested in profit, I will say… that I will wait. Out of respect for your mate.”

“My mate?” Lou asked.

“It takes either a massive amount of stupidity, bravery, or perhaps a potent mix of both for a human to kick a werewolf in the balls.” Mr. Heiss eyed Neil. “I understand now why you lost the Reliquary to him.”

“The Reliquary that the ribelli are no doubt still plotting to take,” Q. mused.

“Why not set a trap?” Absolis suggested. “We already know that they’re looking for lush little Neil over here since he’s the current owner of the Reliquary.”

“And we know that Lou has been keeping him very, very close to home,” said Vilanos with a flick of his tongue. “They even closed down Uranian Flora, his uncle’s flower shop.”

“Can you believe it? Closed it.”

“Closed now for days.”

“Are you suggesting using my mate as fucking bait?” Lou growled. “Absolutely not.”

“He’d have protection, of course,” Mr. Heiss said. “Sariel here is an excellent watchdog.”

Sariel said nothing, but he nodded obediently.

“We’d be happy to look after Neil,” Absolis said with a big grin.

“So very happy,” Vilanos said.

“The answer is no,” Lou said firmly.

“Hey, snookums?” Neil cleared his throat. “I know you really hate when I speak without permission, but I really do need to open the shop back up. If they’re willing to help out, I think between them and my buddies in the Reliquary I should be all right.”

“It’s too much of a risk. No.”

“But isn’t it a bigger risk letting the roly-polies run around?” Neil argued. “You said yourself we don’t have any other leads except that shipment. That doesn’t come in until Friday. Almost a week away. That’s a lot of time between now and then that those guys could stir up more trouble. Like finding a new way to spread the plague again.”

Lou gritted his teeth and growled.

“Your chatty mate has a point,” Q. said with a smile that was nearly fond. “It is indeed a wasted opportunity not to use the obvious resource at hand, the ribelli’s desire for the Reliquary.”

“See? I’m a wasted opportunity!” Neil grinned. “Plus. I’m sure Mr. Powell is in danger of imploding if he doesn’t get more fresh herbs.”

“Certainly a fallen angel and the Reliquary are adequate protection,” Roland said quietly. “We can spare a few of our own as well—”

“No.” Lou shook his head. “Too many would be obvious and defeat the purpose of the entire plan.” He tapped his fingers on the table. “I will accept this ridiculous scheme as long as Sariel is available to guard Neil personally every second that I cannot be with him.”

“Of course.” Mr. Heiss nodded.

“What about us?” Absolis pouted. “Are we not good enough to watch over your precious mate?”

“We’d be so protective,” Vilanos promised with a bat of his eyes.

“So very protective.”

“We’d love to—”

The room trembled, and Q. jumped to his feet. Tentacles came spiraling out of his sleeves and whipped around him. They were thick, dark red, and covered in round suckers. Mr. Heiss reverted into his demonic self, and Absolis and Vilanos revealed the true fiends they were, baring their sharp teeth.

Even Lou shivered, rising from the table as his shoulders stretched in warning of his pending transformation.

“The fuck?” Neil demanded.

“Something has breached our wards,” Q. said quickly. “Something old, something very powerful, something…”

The wood grain of the table morphed into words.

NAMED IZBA? :D

“Izba!” Neil gasped. “What the hell are you doing here?”

I WANTED TO SEE IF LOU GOT HIS BUTT KICKED

“I did not,” Lou grumbled sourly.

“What the fuck is an Izba?” Mr. Heiss demanded.

“He’s a friend!” Neil said quickly, hoping Lou didn’t get mad at him for speaking out again. “He’s the spiteful house ghost that lives in my uncle’s flower shop.”

“Oh, he’s much more than that.” Q. was smiling. He was actually smiling. “Hello, Izba. It’s been a very long time.”

QEKTHIOLK’KA’ROTH? IS THAT YOU? :D

Neil didn’t know if that was supposed to be a name or if Izba had managed to vomit up all the letters in Scrabble.

“It is indeed, old friend.” Q. laughed. “I didn’t know you were here.”

Now Neil understood why they called him Q.

I AM SORRY FOR INTRUDING

I WAS CONCERNED FOR NEIL

“And Louis, yes?”

I WAS CONCERNED FOR NEIL

Lou rolled his eyes. “You know the spiteful house ghost?”

“Yes.” Q. smiled again.

It was a little creepy to be honest.

“We met long ago,” Q. went on, “and he is much more than a simple ghost. He is a force of nature. If he is now the flower shop, I do believe he and Sariel will be more than enough to watch over your mate.”

I WILL PROTECT NEIL! HE IS MY FRIEND

“Then Neil is very lucky indeed.”

Lou sighed haggardly. “I still do not like this…”

“Do not worry,” Q. said firmly. “We will not fail. When we work together, there is nothing that can stand against us.”

“Not even a unicorn?” Lou scoffed.

Q.’s brow twitched. “What?”

“Minnie Moore said there was a rumor of a unicorn being smuggled into the city.”

“I see.” Q.’s brow moved again. “I will look into it. Personally.” He cleared his throat, and his tentacles withdrew. “Now, unless there’s anything else, I believe we’ve had enough excitement for one day, and now I have magical wards to repair.”

SORRY I WAS TRYING TO BE SNEAKY :(

“It was good to see you again, Izba.” Q. chuckled. “Please take care of Othniel for us.”

I WILL QEKTHIOLK’KA’ROTH

“Come along, mate.” Lou rose from the table to take Neil’s arm. “We have important business of our own to attend to.”

“We do?” Neil mumbled as Lou dragged him toward the doors.

“I do believe I owe you a righteous fucking, not to mention how important it is that I deal with your repeated insolence.”

“You just had that huge fight with Arnold Schwarze-kitty.” Neil grinned. “Are you sure you’re really up for it?”

“Baby, for you? I am always up for it.”

* * *

Lou proved how up for it he was three times, leaving Neil in a blissful puddle of his own come and some drool. Being savagely fucked and spanked was definitely the best way to clear out any lingering adrenaline from Lou’s challenge and the resulting fallout. Lou was upset about what had happened with Michel, but it was very clear he didn’t want to talk about it.

Neil knew this because after asking him five times, Lou finally said he wasn’t ready to discuss it yet. Michel had been a trusted friend and his attempted coup hurt deeply. Neil left it alone for now, far too busy with preparations to finally reopen Uranian Flora. He was actually excited to get back to work.

Not that he hadn’t enjoyed being Lou’s spoiled boy, but he’d missed the regulars on the List and knew it was for the best that business got going again.

Uncle Shiloh would definitely not be happy if he came back to his flower shop being closed down because Neil hadn’t made enough money to pay the rent.

Wait, was there actually rent?

Did Shiloh have to pay rent for Izba even though he was technically a sentient building?

Whatever.

Myrna and Flanders were happy to get back to the flower shop too, though for different reasons. Myrna enjoyed helping tend to the plants and tidying up, and Flanders had missed the big patches of sunshine afforded by the greenhouse windows.

Lou drove him over the next morning, and Sariel was there waiting for him outside the front door. His collar was hidden, which was good because it would be sort of hard to explain it to inquiring customers.

Sorry, my friend here is a fallen angel who was basically enslaved by a demon, but no, it’s not a sex thing.

Yeah, right.

Sariel almost never spoke and had a natural talent for staying hidden, so Neil honestly forgot he was there most of the time. Neil figured out Sariel liked music, and he started playing classic rock just to hear Sariel’s foot tapping along to the beat. Otherwise, Sariel was practically invisible.

More than that, none of the customers actually seemed to notice him. Even when he was standing right beside the counter, no one ever commented on his presence.

Maybe Sariel really was invisible to them.

Perhaps it was some sort of angel thing.

Neil was curious, but he had learned not to question the strange and wondrous abilities of monsters.

After all, he did enjoy so many of Lou’s in the bedroom without knowing exactly how they worked except that they were awesome.

The days ticked down to Friday, and Neil did his best to ignore the pit of dread growing in his gut. He worked at the flower shop each day under Sariel’s watchful eye and then he’d go home with Lou after closing. Sometimes Lou would persuade him to close a little early, and Neil felt very guilty every time.

It wasn’t his fault Lou’s wondrous wang wizardry was so convincing.

Lou cooked for them almost every night, and Neil loved the simple joy of eating with Lou on his sofa and watching TV together. While Neil had liked the fancy restaurants well enough, binging television and devouring a home-cooked meal was much more his speed.

The mind-blowing sex was obviously a huge perk, but it was so much more than that now. It was the text messages Lou sent Neil throughout the day to check on him and the phone calls when he just wanted to hear Neil’s voice. It was the way Lou did his best to teach Neil how to cook and was endlessly patient with his many culinary failures. It was their late-night chats, every morning waking up in Lou’s arms, and the flutter in Neil’s chest whenever Lou held his hand.

Neil was falling for Lou.

Hard.

He dared not breathe a word of it yet, though his lovesick state was apparently quite obvious if Myrna’s sweet teasing and Flanders’s gagging were anything to go by.

Sometimes Lou would catch Neil’s eye and Neil swore he had the same dopey expression.

Still, Neil told himself it was far too early to say anything.

Yet.

Friday finally arrived, and Neil nearly chewed his nails down to the nub waiting for news. It was agreed that Neil would stay at the shop so Izba, Sariel, and the spirits of the Reliquary could look after him. Neil tried to stay busy to distract himself, but it didn’t really work.

The dread that had taken up root in Neil’s stomach was now in danger of turning into an ulcer, and he’d run out of nails to bite around lunchtime. As the hour grew late and the shop closed for the night, he considered chewing on his hand.

Instead, he set about organizing all the potted plants by height, color, and price in an insane and contradictory system that made absolutely no sense. Its only purpose was to get his mind off worrying about Lou.

When Neil’s phone rang with the chorus of “Who Let The Dogs Out”, he had to catch himself from squealing.

Christ, yeah, he had it bad for Louis Morénas-Mostro.

“Hey, lover boy!” Flanders griped. “Your stupid boyfriend is calling!”

“Thank you, flea bag!” Neil was already racing to the counter where his phone was charging.

“The only thing worse than your taste in clothing is your taste in music.”

“Have I told you I loved you lately, Flanders?” Neil said sarcastically. “Because wow, yeah, I’m feeling it today.”

“No, but maybe you should answer your phone to spare my ears the torture of that awful ringtone and tell Lou you love him, huh?” Flanders smirked.

“You… you shut up.”

“Coward.”

“Bitch.”

“Boys!” Myrna scolded. “Be nice.”

Flanders batted his eyes innocently. “It’s not my fault Neil’s a stupid squishy human who’s afraid of his own feelings.”

“Shove it or we’re getting you fixed.” Neil quickly picked up the phone before it could go to voicemail. “Hey, baby!”

“Hey! You all right?”

“Yeah, sorry. Took me a sec to answer because I was fighting with Flanders.”

“Sounds delightful.”

“How are you, baby? How did your gangster raid go?”

“Not well.” Lou sounded like he was scowling. “No one showed up.”

“What?”

“No one showed up. Can you hear me?”

Neil snorted. “Yes, I can hear you! I was just, I don’t know, surprised? What the fuck?”

“We don’t know. The boat came in as expected, the product was unloaded, but there’s no one here to claim it. They must have known we were coming.”

“Shit.” Neil scratched at his chin. “But how?”

“There must still be a traitor amongst us. Time to sniff them out.”

“That sounds foreboding as fuck. Well, I guess it’s good you guys got that stuff instead of the rib-eyes, right?”

“I suppose.” Lou sighed. “It’s still not quite the victory we were hoping for.”

“Well, last Izba checked, Patrick and Sam and whoever are still working away upstairs.”

“Good. My next phone call will be to a certain detective in the Somerstown Police Department. You may want to have another family emergency tomorrow. I don’t want you there when they raid it.”

“You got it.” Neil chuckled. “You know, Izba is actually excited about it. He said he’s never been raided before.”

“I hope… he enjoys it?” Lou laughed. “I have no idea how to respond to that.”

Myrna leaned in to listen. “What happened? Is Lou all right?”

“He’s fine,” Neil replied. “But the bust was a bust. Nobody showed up to claim the druggy stuff.”

“Oh!” She frowned. “How strange.”

“Right?”

“I’ll be there in about twenty minutes,” Lou said. “How about we eat out tonight?”

“Yeah? Okay. I guess I’ve recharged my people battery enough.” Neil smiled warmly. “What did you have in mind?”

“You’ll have to take off your beloved Crocs, baby.”

“Really? Flanders will be overjoyed.”

“Are you burning the Crocs?” Flanders asked wistfully from where he was lounging by the greenhouse entryway. “Please say you’re burning them.”

Neil ignored him.

“I’m taking you somewhere with cloth napkins, baby,” Lou said. “Somewhere very special.”

Neil’s heart did a little happy dance, and his smile grew. “Okay, you’re on. I can’t wait to—”

The glass in the front door shattered.

“Fuck!” Neil jerked and almost dropped the phone.

“Neil?” Lou snapped, immediately concerned.

The item that broke the glass was a small stone covered in strange symbols. It landed in the middle of the floor, but it didn’t seem to be doing anything. There was a long string tied around it, and at the other end standing out in the street was…

Roland.

“What the fuck?” Neil stared. “Uh, Lou, Roland is here? And he threw some sort of weird rock through the door.”

“A rock?” Lou echoed.

“Yes, a fucking rock.”

“Oh!” Myrna blinked in surprise as she peeked over at it. “That’s very strange. The writing is old Slavic, I believe.” She hummed thoughtfully as she moved to get a closer look. “I think it says… sleep?”

Words flashed over the top of the door, swirling wildly in the paint as the floorboards shook.

GET IT OUT GET IT OUT GET IT OUT

The menu frantically repeated the message.

GET IT OUT GET IT

Neil gasped as the letters abruptly fell off the board and clattered on the floor behind him. The words in the paint vanished as well, and the floorboards stilled. “Shit! What the fuck was that, Izba?” There was no reply. “Izba?” He looked around, searching for anywhere else Izba might be trying to communicate.

There was nothing.

“Oh no.”

“What’s going on?” Lou demanded.

“I can’t, I can’t explain it, but the rock did something to Izba!” Neil hurried to the front door, glaring furiously at Roland. “Hey! Fuck face! What the hell did you do?”

“The possessed house is taking a nap.” Roland smirked.

“Wait… you?” Neil gasped. “You’re the fucking traitor?”

“Took you long enough.” Roland snorted. “You have no idea how difficult it’s been playing nice when all I’ve wanted to do for years is to tear this family apart—”

“Come on!” Neil shook his head. “Why couldn’t it have been Michel? He’s an asshole. I actually liked you!”

“Shows what idiots you and the rest of the family are.” Roland snorted.

“The bleach,” Lou said quickly. “At the challenge, he mentioned the bleach. But I never told them how the cereus was sabotaged—”

“This is exactly why they need to go,” Roland ranted, his voice overtaking Lou’s coming through the phone. “They’re foolish, selfish, and still want to hide in the shadows like we’re not the superior beings on this planet. Michel had the right idea about humans, but he wasn’t willing to do what needed to be done.”

“You mean murder your own people?” Neil grunted in disgust. “You’re fucking sick.”

“Sacrifices for a worthy cause.” Roland waved Neil forward. “Now, come on out. This doesn’t have to be difficult.”

“Fuck you. Fix Izba! Right now!”

“No, I don’t think I’ll be doing that.”

Neil scowled, holding up his wrist. “I’ve got nine spirits right here who say you will!”

“I have an army that says otherwise.” Roland waved to the empty street.

“Ha! What fucking army?”

Roland laughed.

And then they appeared—in a blink, the entire street was filled with monsters. Werewolves, werepanthers, were-fucking-everything, trolls, ogres, nagas, another Godzilla lizard thing, and more Neil had no idea how to identify but definitely did not want to be friends with. There had to be hundreds of them, and Neil’s heart sank into his gut.

“Oh.” Neil gulped. “That fucking army.”

“We’re here for the Reliquary, human,” Roland said firmly. “We will not be leaving without it. Make this easy on yourself and give it up now. You might even get out of this alive.”

“Stay in here,” Sariel warned as he stood beside Neil. “Command the spirits as you will to fight, but whatever you do, do not leave the shop.”

Neil laughed nervously. “You don’t have to worry about that. I’m not going fucking anywhere.”

“What the fuck is going on now?” Lou snapped. “What’s Roland doing?”

Neil had nearly forgotten he was holding the phone. “Yeah, so, he has a giant army of monsters and is demanding that I give him the Reliquary. I think I’m gonna have to pass.”

“I’ll be there as soon as I can. Stay with Sariel! Summon every spirit in the Reliquary! To summon Eugene the Fiend, you have to sing ‘Baby, Won’t You Please Come Home.’ Try to sing it like Sinatra did. If you do it well enough, he’ll come. Now the command to summon Buffy is come to me, Bupha—” Lou made a long sequence of guttural noises. “Do you understand?”

“No, not at all. Try it again, but slower this—”

“Hey, Neil!” Roland shouted.

“The fuck!” Neil groaned in frustration. “I’m a little busy trying to summon my army to kick your army’s ass!”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that.” Roland gestured to a naga behind him who then produced a stout man who’d been hidden back in the crowd.

The man’s hands were shackled in metal cuffs that looked very similar to Sariel’s collar, and there was a bag over his head. He stumbled forward awkwardly, and Roland grabbed his shoulder to steer him over in front of him.

“I have someone here whose guts you’d probably prefer to stay inside of him and not be strewn across the pavement.” Roland pulled the bag off the man’s head.

It was…

Oh fuck.

“Lou.” Neil’s heart seized and then leapt back up into his throat. “Please, please, please fucking hurry.”

“Baby, what’s wrong?” Lou asked worriedly. “What is it?”

“It’s that ass face fucking Roland! He, he…!”

“What?”

“He has my uncle!”

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

What?” Lou gasped.

“Uncle Shiloh!” Neil gritted his teeth. “Roland has Shiloh! Please fucking hurry!”

“I’ll be there as soon as I fucking can and I am bringing hell with me,” Lou swore passionately. “Stay safe, baby. Please wake up the spirits now.”

“Did you just paraphrase Tombstone? If I survive this, I am so fucking you—”

“Spirits, baby! Summon them! Now!”

“Right! On it!” Neil hung up, struggling to shove his phone into his pocket with the way his hands were shaking. He couldn’t believe his uncle was standing right there, much less as a prisoner of Roland’s. He was supposed to be in some crazy jungle, not right here in Somerstown.

“Was that Lou you were on the phone with?” Roland smirked. “You can call him back if you want and tell him that we’re about to take the Reliquary. And we will of course be seizing all of his territory—”

“Fuck you!” Neil roared. “You fucking fetid piece of rotten prairie dogging horseshit!”

“Wait. Is that… Othniel?” Shiloh squinted. He didn’t have his glasses on, and Neil could see now that his left eye was swollen as he turned to the sound of his voice. “Neil? Is that really you? Where the hell am I?”

“It’s okay!” Neil’s heart clenched. “I’m right here, Uncle Shi! Just wait. I’ve got this.”

“What the hell is going on—”

“Shut up!” Roland shoved Shiloh back at the naga. He turned his attention to Neil. “If you ever want to see him alive again, you will surrender the Reliquary now.”

“Ha! Shows how much you know, fucker.” Neil rolled his eyes. “I can’t just give you the damn Reliquary. Not that I would, but I can’t even if I wanted to. The spirits choose their owner, okay?”

“That’s not true!” Roland shouted. “I’ve seen Lou use the Reliquary. I know he could command them.”

“You sort of ask them nicely and hope for the best. Like, the Architect who likes to wake up early.” Neil cleared his throat, saying a quick prayer for this to work. “And the Acrobat, who loves springing forth or something. There’s also Sawbones, who is probably wanting some grub right about now.” He looked up. “It’s such a nice night, the stars are out. Princess Bitey likes that. It’s actually kind of Romantic. Like, wow, love is in the air, yeah?”

He waited.

And he waited.

Neil’s pulse thudded in his ears as a miserable lump took out a timeshare in his guts. He couldn’t say the exact words for the spirits because Roland might figure out what he was up to, but it was already risky since Roland may have heard Lou summoning them before. Hopefully that idiot hadn’t paid that much attention and thought Neil was rambling like a terrified idiot.

Which, well, he was.

Precious seconds were ticking away, Roland was glaring impatiently at him, all those hundreds of monsters looked really restless, and he couldn’t see Shiloh.

Neil grabbed the Reliquary at his wrist, whispering desperately, “Please.”

Nothing…

But then.

One by one, the spirits answered Neil’s call.

The Architect took up most of the space inside the flower shop, his big head tilted curiously as he awaited his next instruction with a crooked grin.

The Acrobat pinged around and upset several of the plants before zooming up into the ceiling.

Sawbones simply appeared.

Princess Bridgette’s milky eyes stared forward, and she licked her lips as she looked over the monsters standing outside.

The Romantic floated over to stand behind Neil, their many faces turning this way and that as they purred in his ear, “Our master is as clever as he is beautiful.”

Flanders and Myrna stood on either side of Neil, and Myrna took Neil’s hand to give it a firm squeeze.

Flanders leaned down to bump his snout against Neil’s shoulder. “It’s a shame you might die with such ugly shoes on.”

Neil sighed. “Thank you, Flanders. If we get out of this, I promise I’ll burn this pair. Just for you.”

“Pinkie promise?”

“Pinkie promise… Wait, you don’t even have pinkies.”

“It’s the thought that counts.”

“What the fuck?” Roland growled.

“What the fuck what?” Neil echoed.

“You’re just trying to fucking stall babbling all that nonsense!” Roland accused.

“What? Me?” Neil feigned innocence. “I really think it’s important for you to know that the spirits are very particular. Like, Buffy. Definitely the most particular. Her name is actually Come-To-Me-Bupha—ughrhhhrh!” He did his best to imitate the strange syllables. “She’s so very picky about who the Reliquary belongs to. She ate one of their owners. Just saying.”

“If you think Lou or any of those other idiots will be here in time to make a difference, you’re dead fucking wrong,” Roland spat. “You’ve got ten seconds to hand the fucking Reliquary over.”

Neil looked around for any sign of Buffy making an appearance but saw none. Not that he knew what she even looked like, but there were definitely no new spirits.

Shit.

“You need more phlegm,” Myrna whispered helpfully. “It’s Bupha—” She pronounced the ridiculous name, making sure to emphasize very wet sounding rolled r’s.

“Come to me, Bupha—urghhlurghrugh!” Neil tried again.

Nothing happened.

“Let’s play a game.” Roland snapped his fingers and then pointed at the flower shop. “The first monster to bring me that human’s body, dead or alive, wins.”

There was a collective roar of ferocious shouts and snarls, and the army of monsters rushed toward the door.

“Shit! Shit! Shitty shit shit! Flanders! Roast ’em!” Neil squeaked, retreating toward the counter.

Flanders crashed through the broken door and then unleashed a barrage of fire at the incoming monsters. The front line fell, reduced to nothing but ashes. Flanders blasted the crowd again, but dozens were blowing right by him and crowding around the door as they tried to funnel in.

“Your Majesty!” Neil shouted to Bridgette. “Nom nom nom!”

Bridgette surged forward, her long tongue whipping out to snatch a troll.

“Hey! Batty!” Neil called out.

“Hey-o! Hi-o!” The Acrobat waved from where she was perched on top of a shelf full of plants.

“Can you, like, bounce back and forth between the counter here and the door to keep those assholes out of here?”

“Bounce-o I can do-o!” The Acrobat cackled and leapt off the shelf. She landed on the floor and then lunged at the door, bouncing back against the counter to keep herself charging at the door repeatedly. She pushed the invading monsters out, her contorted figure a blur as she moved like a ball being dribbled at Mach one.

The windows in the greenhouse shattered.

Three werewolves, Bigfoot’s cousin, and some sort of mini Godzilla had busted their way through.

“Fuck, fuck, fucking fucker fuck!” Neil sidestepped behind the counter. “Uh, uh, hey, Sawbones! Listen up! I know you’re all about doctoring people, but how about making those guys over there in need of a doctor? You understand?”

Sawbones saluted sharply. He lumbered off toward the greenhouse, a pair of large saws materializing in his hands.

“Architect!” Neil called up. “Pretty please, uh, can you build something for me?”

The Architect nodded eagerly.

“Great! How about building a nice big wall around us to keep those monsters back?”

The Architect bowed his head to take a big bite out of the floor. He chewed quickly and then—ugh, of course—vomited out a pile of bricks. He picked them up one at a time, each comically small in between his giant fingers, and started laying them in a row, using more puke as mortar.

Ew, gross.

Neil could hear and see the flash of Flanders’s flames outside as he continued to wreck the monsters attacking the front door, and the monsters in the greenhouse screamed miserably as Sawbones presumably chopped them up.

Ew, also gross.

But still better than being murdered to death himself.

“Romantic!” Neil whirled around to find the Romantic right beside him.

“Yes, master?” the Romantic purred.

“Go find that were-asshole, Roland! Please, super pretty please try to convince him to hand over my uncle!”

“Of course, gorgeous.” The Romantic caressed Neil’s cheek and then they vanished.

Neil grabbed his chest, certain that his heart was going to burst right out from the flood of adrenaline pumping through it if he didn’t. “Myrna!”

“Yes, darling?” Myrna petted Neil’s shoulder.

“Tea, please! With vodka!”

A mug instantly appeared in Myrna’s hand, and she gave it to Neil. “You’re doing beautifully, darling! Just beautifully!”

Neil slammed the mug back, gulping it all down. He hissed because it was vodka with a splash of tea, but it was exactly what he needed. He took a deep breath and looked around to survey the battle before him.

The Architect’s wall now blocked off the front door and windows, and soon Neil couldn’t see anything outside at all. The Architect kept chomping on the floor and whatever else he could reach to construct his wall, continuing it over toward the greenhouse to block that entryway off as well. The Acrobat appeared stuck bouncing from the counter to the new wall, but she seemed to be enjoying herself judging by her laughter. Bridgette was gone, and Neil hoped she was enjoying the monster buffet outside with Flanders. Neil got a glimpse of Sawbones swinging his saws and really wished he hadn’t.

He held out his empty mug. “More tea, please.”

“Coming right up!” Myrna chirped.

The newly constructed wall shook as if something very large was on the other side at the front door and really wanted in. Some of the monsters must have somehow gotten past Bridgette and Flanders. Neil could see that Sawbones was getting overwhelmed by the sheer number of enemies pouring into the greenhouse. He was presumably safe, but Neil sure as hell wasn’t if any of them got by him.

“Hey, Batty!” Neil shouted.

The Acrobat skidded to a stop, nearly crashing into the counter. Her eyes were spinning like she was a cartoon, and she laughed. “Yes-o?”

“Go help Sawbones! Make-o people unalive-o!”

“Oh, yes-o, I can certainly-diddily-do that!” The Acrobat leered as she took off, turning herself into a giant wheel. She rolled around the edge of the wall the Architect was still building, plowing right through a cluster of monsters. Her body warped like Mr. Fantastic, stretching out around them and squeezing them all together in a bunch.

She squeezed and she squeezed and—oh God.

Neil should not have been surprised at the outcome.

Nauseated, Neil turned to lean on Myrna. “Okay, so, uh, how do I summon Eugene exactly? I feel like this is a Eugene sort of situation. I just sing the song?”

“Yes!” Myrna patted Neil’s back. “But you really do have to sing it like Frank Sinatra or he will not come out. He’s funny that way.”

“But I don’t even know the fucking song!”

“Use your little space phone! Look it up!”

“Right! Google, come on, save my ass!” Neil searched for the song. “Okay. This one? Bessie Smith?”

“No! It has to be Sinatra!”

“But aren’t the lyrics all the damn same?” Neil flinched as the brick wall in front of the door cracked.

“Yes, but you must sing it as he did or else it’s not going to work!”

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” Neil scrolled faster until he found a video with lyrics. “Bless you, PinkStylistPlays, whoever you are!” He clicked play, groaning as slow violins wafted through the speaker. “For the love of almighty fuck, this is going to take forever!”

The crack in the wall grew.

“It’s okay! It’s okay!” Myrna rubbed Neil’s shoulders. “Focus on the song! Channel your inner Sinatra! Think smooth, classy thoughts!”

Neil wasn’t going to argue about how classy or not Sinatra was, and he swallowed back the lump forming in his throat as the words popped up on screen. “Baby, won’t you please come home? ’Cause your daddy’s all alone.” He hissed under his breath. “This is so dumb!”

“Shush! Less complaining, more crooning!”

Neil grunted and made his very best attempt to croon, singing over the roar of battle around them, “I have tried in vain, never no more to call your name!”

Myrna smacked Neil’s back excitedly. “Good! Good! Keep it going!”

Part of the wall collapsed, and Neil and Myrna both jumped.

Voice trembling, Neil tried to continue. “When you left, you broke my heart—”

“You broke my heart,” a man’s voice sang out. It was a smooth baritone that filled the room, overtaking the violent clamor as if he was singing on a microphone. “Because I never thought we’d part. Every hour in the day, you will hear me say…”

A short thin man in a fancy blue suit and a matching fedora slithered out of the shadows. He wore tiny round glasses, was clean shaven, and not unhandsome, though there was something off about his face. It was too smooth, too shiny, and the very sight of him made Neil’s skin crawl. He strolled toward Neil and Myrna, and he smiled slyly as he belted out, “Baby, come home.”

Myrna clapped.

Neil stared.

Myrna elbowed him, so he started clapping too.

“That was wonderful, darling!” Myrna gushed. “Wonderful!”

“This is Eugene the Fiend?” Neil asked flatly.

He’d expected…

Well, something a bit more monstrous.

As Eugene came closer, Neil saw a hint of silver at the corner of Eugene’s jaw. It was a zipper, but Neil couldn’t see what it opened and he was already very sure that he didn’t want to.

“Here to give you your penny for a song,” Eugene replied with a charming smile. “What’ll it be, lad?”

“Could you, uh, please go do something about the monsters trying to break down that wall the Architect was so nice to build for us?”

Eugene tipped his hat. “Why, I’d be just delighted.”

“Great. Awesome. Thank you. Like, right now, please.”

“Let me get changed into something more comfortable.” Eugene reached for the zipper to draw it along his jaw, following a previously invisible seam. His entire body peeled off along with his clothing and hat like it was one giant rubber suit, and it hit the floor with a wet splat.

And what came out of it…

Neil was really glad Eugene was on their side.

Eugene was a bulging horse with a male human torso fused directly to its back as if it was riding it. There were no legs, however, but he had unnaturally long arms that dragged on the floor, each finger armed with a scythe-like talon. The bizarre beast was far too large to have logically fit inside the person suit.

Both parts, horse and man, were totally skinless, making him a giant glistening vision of raw red muscle and white sinew. The horse’s head had a single crimson eye in the middle of its forehead, and it was actively on fire. Both the horse’s jaw and the man’s were devoid of any flesh, so they were permanently leering.

Or smiling, Neil decided.

That was a slightly less horrifying way to think about it.

When Eugene spoke, both the jaws on the horse head and the human head moved. He cackled, cheering, “And away we go!”

Neil watched Eugene pass through the damaged wall like a ghost and almost immediately heard bloodcurdling screams. Since no one else could see Eugene, he assumed it meant Eugene was very busy murdering them. Neil shuddered, holding out his mug for more tea.

Myrna gently grabbed his wrist to steady his hand as she refilled the mug. “Be glad he’s on our side.”

Neil stared at the rubber skin suit on the floor. “I guess that’s just gonna… stay there?”

“Until he’s done, of course. Trust me that it’s much more unpleasant to see him put it on than it is to take it off.”

Neil shakily walked to his faithful stool to sit down. He thought he was going to faint if he didn’t. He slurped the vodka-tea noisily. “I can’t tell if it’s the tea or not, but it kinda sounds like we’re winning. I think. Those ribelli must be getting slaughtered out there.”

“Oh!” Myrna beamed. “You said it right that time!”

“Huh, I guess I did.”

“Well, they deserve it. Those jerks! Using your uncle as a hostage like that.”

“I can’t believe he’s here! He’s not supposed to be back until the end of the summer!” Neil rubbed his forehead. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. Why isn’t the Romantic back yet? Why haven’t they done their thing and grabbed him?”

“Remember that monsters can resist them.” Myrna frowned. “They might not have been able to manipulate Roland into handing over your uncle.”

“I just hope he’s okay.” Neil closed his eyes. “I hope Lou is okay. Fuck. He’s on his way here right now, and he’s gonna run into all of that!” He gestured vaguely at the front door.

There was an aptly timed agonizing scream.

“Lou is a very powerful werewolf,” Myrna soothed. “And he’s not alone! He will certainly have the whole family with him. Q., Mr. Heiss, and all the others, plus their men as well!”

“I hope it’s enough.”

“It will be!”

Neil drank more tea.

The Architect had finished the greenhouse wall, and he then turned his attention to repairing the cracked wall by the front door. He used more vomit, naturally, and Neil found he was weirdly getting used to it now.

He was getting used to a lot of things these days.

Maybe he was in a state of permanent shock.

It could also be the insane amount of vodka in his tea because the more he drank, the less he cared about the horrible screams outside. It was also possible that Lou really had been fucking his brains out and he’d lost the part he needed to be shocked.

The part for being scared was working plenty fine.

Neil gripped the mug tight, taking deep breaths to steady himself as his heart thundered in his chest. It was hard to tell how much time was passing because he wasn’t sure if it was moving too fast or too slow.

Counting death rattles was probably not an accurate measurement of much.

Although, Neil realized that the miserable wails were less frequent now.

He stood up, though he remained behind the counter. “Myrna?”

“Yes, darling?”

“The sound of everybody being either set on fire, cut apart with saws, eviscerated, or eaten has kinda… died down?” Neil snorted. “No pun intended.”

“Oh!” Myrna blinked. “I’m not sure.”

Bridgette suddenly appeared, covered in much more blood than usual. Her stomach was distended to inhuman proportions, and Neil was pretty sure she was smiling. The Architect offered his hand to her and then gently set her down on a sloped bit of archway on his shoulder for what appeared to be a well-deserved nap.

Flanders was next, panting hard and his long tongue flopping out of his mouth. “They’re retreating!”

“Fuck yeah!” Neil put his mug down so he could tackle Flanders in a giant hug around his neck. He felt Flanders stiffen before relaxing and wrapping a big paw around him. “Thank you. Thank you to all of you. You saved my life.”

Flanders sniffed quietly. “Your shoes are still hideous.”

“Yes. Yes, they are. But they are fucking comfortable.”

The Acrobat bounced in over the top of the wall, but she got stuck. Why she chose to enter that way was unknown, but she simply melted to free herself. She landed in a puddle and then reformed herself, cheering, “Hey-o, hi-o! We kicked their stupid-o diddily-do butts! Highest of the fives!”

Neil held out his hand, and the Acrobat stretched her arm up toward the ceiling and back down to crash against Neil’s palm. It stung like hell, but all Neil could do was laugh. “Thank you. Again, thank you all.”

The Acrobat hopped toward the Architect, wrapping herself around one of the columns on his arms.

Sawbones materialized, and he was covered in more blood than even Bridgette. He too joined the Architect, choosing to just lean against him in a position of ease.

The Romantic was there now, and they were holding a still pulsing heart in their hands. “I am sorry, master,” he said with a sad sigh. “I could not complete the task you gave me.”

“Wait, where’s my uncle?” Neil demanded. “And whose fucking heart is that?”

“It is Roland’s. I brought it for you.”

“Uh, no. I’m good. You keep it, sweetie pie.”

“Thank you, master.” The Romantic preened. They tucked the heart into their rib cage cavity, where it vanished away. “I will treasure it always.”

“That’s wonderful.” Neil frowned. “But seriously. What happened to my uncle? What about Lou?”

“Lou’s here,” Flanders confirmed. “Don’t worry. He and the family arrived just as we were finishing up.” It could have been Neil’s imagination, but he swore Flanders was puffing his chest out. “They’re taking care of our leftovers.”

“Luke-o is having some yummy rum tummy snacks, oh, yes!” The Acrobat cackled.

Remembering that Luke ate people—no, Neil didn’t want to think about that. He looked to the Architect, asking politely, “Do you think you could pretty please take down the wall now so I can go find Lou and my uncle?”

The Architect pouted, gesturing to the spirits hanging all over him. The Romantic had made themselves comfortable in his lap, and everyone except himself, Flanders, and Myrna were napping.

Wait, and Eugene.

He had no idea where Eugene was.

Maybe that was for the best.

Neil resisted the urge to look at the person suit still on the floor behind him, asking again, “Pretty please with sugar on top? And cherries? Whipped cream?”

The Architect’s pout deepened.

“Flanders, can you please—”

“Why the fuck is there a giant wall… Neil! Neil, baby!” Someone pounded on the brick.

It was Lou!

“Baby, are you in there?” Lou shouted. “Where are you?”

“Lou! Hey!” Neil bolted to the wall. “I’m here!”

“Baby.” Lou sighed in relief. “Step back!” There was a slight pause, no doubt to give Neil time to get out of the way, and then part of the wall shattered. Lou came through the new hole, absolutely naked and covered in a few blood splatters and grunge. “Neil!”

Neil rushed into his arms. “Lou!”

“Neil.” Lou said his name like he almost couldn’t believe it. He didn’t hesitate to drag Neil into a fierce embrace. “My baby. Oh, my sweet baby.”

“Lou.” Neil hugged Lou back as hard as he could, his feet dangling as Lou crushed him against his chest. His eyes burned with the threat of tears, and he gasped, fighting not to cry. “Fuck, am I glad to see you.”

“Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

“No. Are you?”

“No.” Lou kissed Neil’s hair. “Thanks to you and the spirits.”

“Roland’s dead.” Neil squeezed Lou tighter. “The Romantic brought me his heart.”

“Good.” Lou growled, but his anger gave way to a mournful sigh. “I… I can’t believe it was Roland.”

“Me either. I really liked him.”

“I think I owe Michel an apology.”

“He’s still an asshole.”

Lou chuckled. “No denying that, but I am going to ask him to stand as my second again once this mess is cleared up. The ribelli are all but dead. There’s only a few left and they’re running—”

“My uncle!” Neil pulled back to stare at Lou. “Shit! Where’s Shiloh?”

“Right here!” Shiloh came stumbling through the hole in the wall. His clothes were bloody and ragged, but he was alive and smiling. He was a shorter and burlier version of Neil with a thick beard and hair down to his shoulders.

Neil rushed over to hug him. “Uncle!”

Shiloh hugged Neil close. “What in the hell is going on? How did you… Do you know… Wait!” He grabbed Neil’s shoulders to position him to look him directly in the eye. “Do you know about the, uh… the you-know-what?”

“The monsters?” Neil laughed. “Yeah, yeah, I do.”

“And uh…” Shiloh looked around the flower shop, his face contorting with worry. “The building?”

“Yeah, Izba is a real trip… Fuck! Izba!” Neil whirled around, stumbling as he raced to the counter.

The menu letters were still on the floor, and they weren’t moving. At some point, the Rolodex had been knocked down there too, and Neil grabbed it.

“Hey! Izba!” Neil shook it violently.

“What happened?” Shiloh demanded.

“That psycho assface weretiger threw some sort of magic rock in here to put Izba to sleep or something? I haven’t heard from him since!” Neil shook the Rolodex again. “Izba! Please!”

The current entry was Aaron Aaronson. The letters melted ever so slightly.

NE… IL? HELLO

“Izba!” Neil hugged the Rolodex. “Thank fuck!”

The building shivered, and the partially eaten floorboards groaned as they shifted. It sounded like a yawn.

“Hey!” Shiloh smacked the countertop. “You got had by an old Bulgarian sleep trap? You silly ol’ house!” He smiled. “I’m so glad you’re okay!”

Neil got up to place the Rolodex on the counter.

Words were forming, but slowly.

ME TOO

Neil walked back over to Lou. He reached for Lou’s face to pull him into a deep kiss. He sighed as Lou’s powerful arms curled around him, and he pressed as closely as he could.

“Whoa!” Shiloh gasped. “So, uh, you really know monsters are real, huh?”

“And great in bed,” Neil mumbled.

“What?”

“Nothing.” Neil coughed. “So, did we win?”

“Almost,” a new voice said, drawing Neil’s attention.

It was Michel, walking through the hole to join them.

“Hey! It’s my favorite asshole!” Neil laughed. “What are you doing here?”

“I called him,” Lou replied. “I needed a monster I could trust, and who better than my soon-to-be reinstated second?”

Michel actually smiled. “You can count on me, boss. Always.”

“The same guy who hates my human guts and challenged you?” Neil made a face. “This guy?”

Michel scowled.

“Roland is the one who convinced him to challenge me,” Lou said. “Now we know why. He assumed Michel would pick him if he went with him to the challenge, and Roland thought he could actually beat me. Once Michel took over the family, Roland would try to persuade Michel into going after humans and starting a war.”

“Okay, well…” Neil frowned, glancing warily at Michel. “Sorry about your nards.”

“Apology accepted.” Michel snorted. “You’re all right… for a human.”

“Why, Michel. That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

“I won’t make it a habit. Trust me.” Michel looked to Lou. “I came to tell you that I sent some of the Franks to track the ribelli who ran off. Absolis and Vilanos are running around glamouring the human witnesses, and Mr. Heiss just finished putting up the magical roadblock.”

“A magical roadblock?” Neil asked.

“It will hide the, ahem, mess until it’s been dealt with,” Lou explained.

“You mean the street full of corpses?”

“Yes. It will simply appear as if this street has been blocked off for construction. And I expect that—”

“Hey! Sariel! Is he okay?” Neil grinned sheepishly. “I almost forgot about him.”

“He’s fine. He was just outside with…” Lou had turned to look out the door, and he suddenly froze.

Neil followed Lou’s gaze.

There was something approaching the flower shop—a big horse.

Like, really big.

Bigger than Lou’s truck big.

It was white and so bright that it was actually glowing.

Oh, and there was a long spiraling golden horn sticking out of the middle of its forehead.

Neil squeezed Lou’s arm. “The fuck is that?”

Lou didn’t say anything.

“Is that… a unicorn?”

“Yes.”

“How bad is that again?”

“Very, very bad.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

I thought unicorns were nice?” Neil gulped. “Innocent, shiny, loved virgins… Wait a second.”

“They’re from the Other,” Lou said quickly.

“The whole idea of them being pure comes from the fact they’re pure energy,” Shiloh chimed in. “They’re absolute chaos and incredibly dangerous. And yes, they are supposedly drawn to certain types of auras. The fact that this one is, uh, coming right at us means—”

“It’s attracted to the energy of the Reliquary,” Lou finished for him. “The wizard who made it fashioned it with magic he found in the Other realm.” He paused. “Or Roland and the ribelli just convinced it to come after us.”

“Can we convince it not to do that?” Neil snapped.

“Stay here,” Lou commanded.

“As much as I love you bossing me around, I am not—”

“Stay here.” Lou kissed Neil and then abruptly broke away. “Shiloh, keep my mate safe.”

“Your what?” Shiloh sputtered. “How much have I fucking missed?”

“Michel, go find Mr. Heiss and the others,” Lou commanded. “As fast as you can.”

“Yes, boss.” Michel nodded quickly.

Lou crossed back through the hole he’d made in the wall and transformed into his beastly werewolf body. Michel was right behind him, shifting and then taking off down the sidewalk at a dead run. Neil and Shiloh crowded beside each other, their heads nearly colliding as they both strained to see what was going on outside.

The unicorn had paused with its front hooves on the edge of the sidewalk right out front.

Now that Neil was getting a better look at it, the unicorn reminded him more of a hyena than a horse because of its arched spine and its powerful chest and neck. Its broad skull seemed too small to be proportionate for its hulking body, though its snout was as a horse’s should be. Its tail was that of a lion, long and thin with an impressive curly poof at the end. It did have a full flowing mane, but it was tangled with…

Oh.

Bones.

Lovely.

Neil tried to focus on the tail instead, but it was swishing in that erratic way that a cat’s would right before it pounced on prey. As if that wasn’t foreboding enough, Neil rapidly became aware that it was staring over Lou and right at him.

Great.

“Great,” Flanders grumbled, echoing Neil’s own thought. “Now I have to go save Lou before he gets himself killed trying to save you from a unicorn. When this is over, I am napping for a week…” He continued to mutter under his breath as he passed through the wall like a vapor to stand beside Lou.

Neil was stunned to see Sawbones suddenly marching through the wall to join Lou as well, and Bridgette was right behind him. The Romantic gracefully rose from the Architect’s lap to make their exit, the Acrobat jumped off the top of Neil’s head to slide over the wall, and a wet clopping sound signaled Eugene’s return outside.

There was no telling where Eugene had been except up to no good.

He came to stand with Lou from the other end of the block, and if there was blood on him, it was thankfully not possible to tell with his lack of skin.

The Architect crouched down and delicately removed a single brick from the wall he’d built so he could peek through in what appeared to be a show of solidarity.

Neil couldn’t see any other monsters on the street, ribelli or otherwise…

Well, except for all the bodies that remained.

Maybe Luke had gotten full.

The unicorn huffed. “Lycanthrope.”

Its voice was deep, like the roar of the ocean, and Neil assumed it was male—not that he was going to go out and check under its tail to be sure.

Lou stood up straight and tall, using his most commanding tone as he said, “You are of the Other. This is not your world, fair creature. I have no quarrel with you, and I know someone who can help you return—”

The unicorn bowed his head with a guttural growl. “My purpose is death. I was brought here against my will to your unnatural world. All living things were born of the Other and to it, we must return. So, that shall be my mission. To purify the abominations surrounding me.”

“You mean kill us.”

“It is not death as you understand it to be, earthly creature. You will live on in the Other, as we are meant to, without form or shape.” The unicorn’s hooves shifted. “To be struck down by my horn is considered a blessing, lycanthrope. Accept that your inevitable end will be a most spiritual experience...”

“Fuck that noise!” Neil tried to join Lou, but Shiloh grabbed his arm.

“Noosh, no!” Shiloh pleaded.

Neil’s heart hurt to hear his childhood nickname spoken so desperately, but he still pulled at Shiloh’s grip. “Let go, Shi! I’ve gotta help him!”

“There is nothing you can do!” Shiloh argued. “You can’t fight a unicorn!”

“Well, I’m gonna fucking try!” Neil wrenched away, stumbling forward. He grabbed a broken floorboard and held it like a baseball bat.

The floorboard morphed, elongating and thinning as it turned into an elegant spear.

“Thanks, Izba!” Neil was too far away to properly read the Rolodex, but he thought he saw a little smiley face. He looked to Myrna, who was hovering worriedly a few feet away. “I’ve got to. You know that.”

Myrna tugged at her apron. There were tears in her eyes. “Don’t go yet, darling. There’s something I need you to do.”

Neil glanced back through the hole in the wall. “Okay, make it quick! I don’t know how long that unicorn is gonna keep monologuing!”

“I need you to help me knock over those plants!” Myrna pointed to one of the gift displays. “Hurry!”

“What?”

“Make a mess! Make a really big mess, and then you have to tell me—” Myrna took a deep breath. “You have to tell me not to clean it up.”

“Uh, sure, yes.”

Neil had already been through too much weirdness to even question it. He started tipping over the shelves, and the pots shattered as they hit what was left of the floor.

Shiloh turned around, shouting, “Hey! What are you doing? Those plants didn’t do anything!”

“Sorry, Shi! Gotta make a big mess! Spirit stuff!” Neil swept another display over while Myrna took out the rest.

The flower shop, which had already not been in great shape because of the broken door, shattered windows, the Architect’s puke brick wall, the missing floorboards, and—ulgh—Eugene’s person suit, was now officially trashed.

“Okay!” Neil swung around to face Myrna. “You! No cleaning! Don’t even think about it.”

Myrna’s face flushed a vivid shade of red, and her hands visibly twitched. Her eyes were wild as she looked around at the absolute disaster, and then…

She began to grow.

She shot up to at least seven feet tall, and her body bulked out until it was three times its normal size. Her skin continued to darken until it was such a deep shade of reddish-purple that it was practically black. It was weirdly shiny and slick, like it might feel wet if he touched it. A giant crystal orb erupted out of her left shoulder, and her arm continued to grow until it was as thick as a tree trunk and her hand was large enough to wrap around Neil.

Her flawless red manicure remained.

Her clothing had grown with her and remained intact except for where the orb had burst out, and she… well…

She was more than a little horrifying.

Myrna still looked like Myrna in the face, her brow scrunched up in worry, and Neil hoped his shock wasn’t registering.

Myrna cringed. “Sorry. Perhaps I should have warned you.”

“No! You’re, uh… It’s fine.” Neil grinned nervously. “So fine. This is, uh, what happens when you don’t get to clean?”

Myrna flexed her giant hand. “Yes.”

“Well… cool.”

“Never!” Lou’s roar drew their attention back to the door.

The unicorn reared back and then charged right at him.

“No-o! No!” The Acrobat was the closest, and she wrapped her upper body around the unicorn’s neck to drag him off course. She squeezed as she had before, and Neil was fairly certain he was going to see a unicorn’s head pop off.

He ran back toward the hole, and Shi grabbed his arm. “Don’t you dare—”

“Try to stop you, I know. Here.” Shiloh slapped Neil’s chest and a circle full of runes appeared. It glowed bright blue and then vanished. “Protection ward. For your own fuckin’ good.”

“Thank you, Uncle Shi.”

“Please be careful, Noosh.”

“Okay, I—”

The Acrobat screamed.

The unicorn had twisted his head around and impaled her stomach on his horn. He lifted her up and then flung her to the pavement. She collapsed into a puddle, and she didn’t get back up.

“He can… What?” Neil stared in horror. “Batty!”

The Acrobat’s wild eyes rolled back, and she vanished.

Neil had no idea if that meant she was dead or sent back to the Reliquary, but it definitely was not good. It meant that the unicorn could see the spirits. Also not good. He scrambled through the hole.

Lou howled as he leapt at the unicorn, swiping his claws across his throat. He might as well have been attacking the pavement because his claws didn’t do any damage. He roared in frustration, striking again and again. He barely got out of the way when the unicorn swung his head down.

“Get back!” Flanders warned before unleashing a barrage of flames at the unicorn.

The unicorn snarled, retreating out into the middle of the road.

Sawbones went in next, swinging his saws at the unicorn’s chest. The unicorn dodged gracefully, turning around to kick Sawbones square in the chest with his hind legs. Sawbones went flying, but then the Romantic swept in, their hand on their heart as they commanded, “You! I need you to—”

The unicorn stabbed the Romantic’s chest, and they convulsed and disappeared.

Eugene slammed into the unicorn with enough force to knock it back a few steps. He swung his giant talons, but the unicorn deflected the blows with his horn. Flanders continued to blast the unicorn with fire, and Myrna used her giant hand to throw a car at him. Sawbones was back with Bridgette, and together they drove the unicorn farther down the road.

The ground shook as the Architect emerged from the flower shop, materializing through the walls and stalking after them to join the fray.

Neil hadn’t done much except stand there and watch, and he clutched the spear Izba had made for him. Something grabbed his shoulder and he gasped, stabbing the spear at—

Oh, it was Lou!

Lou caught the spear shaft inches away from his chest, and he snorted. “Easy, baby.”

“Shit! I’m sorry!” Neil grinned sheepishly.

“Come on. You need to get back inside the shop now.”

“Wait!” Neil protested. “What’s happening to the spirits? Is the unicorn killing them?”

“No, they’re already dead,” Lou replied quickly. “He’s trying to banish them, but they’re bound to the Reliquary. They’ll be weakened, but they should be fine. Now, get back inside—”

“No! I’m not leaving you guys! I can help!”

“What are you going to do? Poke the unicorn with your stick?”

Neil scoffed. “It’s a spear, thank you.”

“Whatever. Now! Get your fine little ass back inside—”

“No way!”

Lou growled angrily. “Then stay the hell out of the way!”

“Fine!” Neil grabbed Lou’s face and dragged him down to kiss the side of his snout.

Lou licked his cheek. “You stubborn sh…” His ears perked up.

“What?”

Lou grabbed Neil and dove onto the road.

A car flew right over their heads, crashing into another parked right beside them.

Neil grunted, the breath knocked out of his lungs from the sudden impact with the ground.

Better than a sudden impact with the car though.

He groaned as Lou dragged him up, and he clung to his furry chest. “F-fuck!”

“Stay here!” Lou lapped at Neil’s cheek.

“Five seconds.” Neil wheezed, trying to catch his breath. “Just give me… like five seconds! And then… I’m coming after you!”

Lou took off without another word, chasing the spirits down where they were fighting the unicorn.

The battle had taken them down to the end of the street and on the other side of the magic roadblock. It was less corpse-y, but there were cars trying to drive through. Drivers honked their horns angrily as traffic came to a full stop as there was what probably looked like a giant floating unicorn being throttled in the middle of the air.

The Architect had the unicorn in his hands while the other spirits cheered him on. He was choking the unicorn violently, but the unicorn was able to wiggle free. As he fell, he flipped forward and stabbed his horn into the Architect’s leg.

The Architect moaned, a hollow sound of pain, and he vanished away like the others.

While it was comforting to know that the Architect was still safely tucked away in the Reliquary on Neil’s wrist, it also meant that there was one less spirit between the unicorn and Lou.

The unicorn had landed in front of a truck whose driver had started honking at him. The unicorn turned and kicked the front of the truck with his hind legs, forcing it to flip backward and land on the car behind it.

People screamed and fled their cars while one or two incredibly stood on the sidewalk with their phones out to record the unicorn.

The unicorn, thankfully, ignored them.

Myrna swung at the unicorn with her big fist and missed, accidentally crushing in the side door of an adjacent car. “Oh! Oh! I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!”

The unicorn charged at her, and she skittered out of the way with a squeal.

She swung again, this time making contact and hitting the unicorn right in the face. Sawbones attacked him from behind, slicing at the unicorn with his saw. They managed to avoid the unicorn’s horn, and Sawbones drew blood across the unicorn’s flank.

Well, Neil assumed it was blood anyway.

It was a glittering green liquid, and it glowed like the blood of those monster guys from Predator.

Sawbones struck again, and the unicorn actually retreated a few steps, leaving a trail of the glowing blood behind him. His horn glowed, and the wound healed instantly.

“Oh come on!” Neil groaned. “That’s fucking cheating!”

The unicorn charged right for Sawbones, impaling him through his chest.

Sawbones grunted and drove the end of his sawblade into the unicorn’s eye before he disappeared.

The unicorn howled in pain as glowing green blood squirted out from the wound.

Eugene sang something about the way the unicorn looked tonight as he lunged at him, taking full advantage of his distraction. His claws opened up the unicorn’s chest and put him on the defensive, forcing him toward the spirits back on the other side of the magic roadblock and away from the people.

Neil lamented all the therapy they were probably going to need, and he hoped those in the flipped truck and car were all right.

Flanders lit up the unicorn’s backside with flames while Myrna pounded on him with her fist. Bridgette slapped the unicorn with her tongue and then forced it into the open socket of his eye, making him scream. The four remaining spirits were going at him with everything they had, and Lou joined them to tear at the unicorn’s raw wounds.

Neil wasn’t sure what to do, but he stayed close. He heard wailing sirens approaching and cursed, knowing the last thing they needed right now was more people. He didn’t know what would happen if anyone tried to cross the roadblock, but he hoped it would keep them out of danger.

The spirits drove the unicorn back toward the flower shop, though Neil had no idea if that was on purpose or if they were even aware of the roadblock. He tried to get a few jabs in with his spear for what little good it might do, but the spirits were moving too fast and kept the unicorn on the run. Bright green blood was lighting up the asphalt, and the unicorn couldn’t heal himself fast enough to keep up with the amount of injuries.

The unicorn howled as a wicked slash from Eugene drew a gush of blood from his throat and he stumbled, nearly falling over.

This was it!

They were going to kill the unicorn!

It was finally going to be over!

Neil didn’t think he’d ever cheered so hard for gratuitous violence before, but that damn unicorn was a fucking asshole.

He gripped the spear tight, watching as Lou and the spirits went in to finish the unicorn off.

But no.

Wait.

Something was wrong.

The unicorn’s horn glowed so brightly that Neil had to shield his eyes, and he heard a faint pop as wind rushed over him from the force of an unexpected explosion. He strained to see through the glare left behind in his vision to see the other spirits and Lou scattered across the road.

Lou had landed on the hood of a car with Flanders not far off. Eugene was tangled up in the power lines, and Bridgette and Myrna were lying in the middle of the street.

“Lou!” Neil dropped the spear and ran to Lou.

Lou had reverted to his human form, and blood was trickling from a gash in his forehead. He groaned, stirring when Neil touched his face. “Baby…?”

“Lou!” Neil hugged him tight.

Lou groaned. “Ow, baby. Easy, easy!” He managed a small smile. “Just got thrown into a car.”

Neil relaxed his grip but didn’t let go. “Sorry.”

Lou struggled to sit up, and Neil helped him. “Fuck, that hurt.”

Neil glanced back to see what the unicorn was doing.

The unicorn’s horn glowed again, and his wounds started healing, though much slower than before.

“Fucking bullshit,” Neil grumbled.

“I fucking concur.” Lou stood, shifting back to his werewolf form. He popped his neck and stretched his shoulders with a short grunt. He took a step, but he suddenly pitched forward, one of his legs giving out from under him.

“Shit! Lou!” Neil tried to catch him, but he couldn’t possibly hold Lou’s incredible weight. “Oof! Fuck!”

Lou went to one knee, grunting in frustration.

“Hey, take a breather, big guy.” Neil kneeled beside him and rubbed his back.

Lou shook his head. “We don’t have time, baby. I gotta go.”

“Where’s Mr. Heiss and the rest of the family? Where the fuck are they at?”

“Still chasing down the last of the ribelli.” Lou huffed. “They’re missing all the fun.”

“Fun, yeah.” Neil rolled his eyes. “That’s what we’re calling this?”

Lou grinned. “I’m having a blast. Can’t you tell?”

The unicorn was on the move again, stalking toward Eugene.

Eugene phased through the power lines when he saw the unicorn approaching and landed gracefully on the sidewalk below. He raced forward, his long arms out in front of him as he charged the unicorn. The unicorn simply let Eugene come at him and then lowered his head at the last moment, stabbing him through the front of his throat.

After Eugene vanished, the unicorn went after the next closest target, Bridgette.

Bridgette shakily clambered to her feet, and her tongue shot out, wrapping around the unicorn’s horn.

The unicorn whipped his head around, sweeping Bridgette’s legs out from under her and up into the air. She flew up, still attached by her tongue, and she landed right on his horn.

The unicorn snorted, looking around for his next target.

Myrna.

Myrna had reverted to her demure human body and she sat up, scrambling back as she tried to get up on her feet.

“Shit!” Neil hissed. “Myrna!”

“Huh?” Flanders groggily lifted his head from where he’d been laid out on the sidewalk. “No!” He growled as he jumped up, charging ahead to blast the unicorn with hellfire. He didn’t stop, blasting the unicorn and forcing him to stop in his tracks.

Myrna was able to finally stand, and she summoned large bottles of a viscous orange liquid. She hurled them at the unicorn, and his entire body caught fire.

The unicorn continued forward even as he burned, walking through the flames to slam his horn right into Flanders’s chest and then whipping around him to stab Myrna. They vanished, and the unicorn shook his head, instantly extinguishing the flames.

Lou had managed to stand with Neil’s assistance, and he now pushed Neil behind him. “Stay here.”

“Lou,” Neil pleaded.

“Go back to the shop!” Lou barked, snapping his teeth at Neil.

“You don’t fucking tell me what to do!”

“Yes, I do!” Lou hugged Neil tight. “And you love it! And if you ever want me to do it again, I have to try and lead that fucker to Mr. Heiss and Q.! Okay?”

“Okay,” Neil whispered as his eyes filled with tears. “Don’t you dare fucking die.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it, baby.” Lou licked Neil’s cheek. “Now go!”

Neil had every intention of listening.

Mostly.

Lou took off after the unicorn, snapping his teeth at him and trying to draw him away.

The unicorn didn’t move. He instead waited for Lou to lunge again and swung his head to stab him. Lou was able to dodge and took the opportunity to slash at the unicorn’s eye.

The unicorn jerked, swinging his head into Lou to knock him off balance as he roared, blood gushing from his new wound. As Lou teetered, the unicorn kicked him in the chest.

Lou hit the ground hard, and he didn’t move.

The unicorn continued to wail, shaking his head as his eye bled.

“Get up,” Neil whispered urgently, frozen in place as he watched Lou. He’d never felt despair like this, all-encompassing and weighing his heart down to the soles of his feet. “Please, get the fuck up.”

Lou’s chest was rising and falling, but he was otherwise motionless.

The unicorn’s horn glowed as he healed his eye, growling low.

“Lou,” Neil pleaded. “Please, please, please get up. Get up right now.”

His injury repaired, the unicorn started after Lou.

“Shit!” Neil’s heart leapt into his throat as terror washed over him like a chilling wave of ice water. He had to do something.

Fucking something.

Anything.

This could not be happening. He couldn’t lose Lou, not like this. He was not about to see his werewolf boyfriend murdered to death by a fucking unicorn, not after everything they’d been through. He still hadn’t had a chance to tell Lou what he meant to him, how much he cared about him, how much…

How much he loved him.

Neil looked around frantically, and then he saw the spear.

Fuck it.

Neil ran over to snatch the spear up from where he’d dropped it. He gripped it tight with both hands and charged at the unicorn, his own pounding heartbeat and the slap of his shoes on the pavement the only sounds echoing through his ears. His own labored breathing was a distant hiss, and he readied himself to stab the unicorn right in his fucking heart.

Wait, where was a horse’s heart?

Was it in their chest like a human’s or some other weird place? Would a unicorn’s heart even be in the same place as a horse? Or would it be—oh, for fuck’s sake!

Neil thrust the spear with everything he had, aiming for the center of the unicorn’s chest.

He had to do this.

He had to.

For him, for Lou, for all the spirits of the Reliquary, and for everyone else in Somerstown and beyond.

The unicorn lifted his front leg, snapping the spear in half.

Still being propelled forward by his own momentum, Neil stumbled…

Right into the unicorn’s horn.

It stabbed through his left shoulder, and Neil was so stunned that the pain didn’t register right away. This was probably not good. This was probably very bad, even though he couldn’t feel it yet. There was coldness and a deep extreme pressure that skyrocketed as the unicorn lifted Neil up and then flung him down the street like a ragdoll.

Neil flew, and he had enough time to scream and wonder how much it was going to hurt when he hit the ground.

A lot.

A lot was how much.

Neil collided with the street and rolled, skidding to a stop up against the bumper of a car. The side of his face and forearm were raw from the pavement, his head throbbed, and he tasted blood. He groaned as he tried to move, his body rebelling and refusing to comply. He was crumpled up on his side, and he was suddenly very aware of the pain in his shoulder.

Right.

Stabbed by a unicorn.

Neil wheezed in agony, fighting to sit up so he could prop his back against the car. He grabbed his shoulder, panting faster as blood poured over his fingers no matter how hard he tried to stop it. He thought he heard Lou’s howl, but he couldn’t be sure with how badly his ears were ringing. Even as he searched the road, he couldn’t see him either.

“Lou…?” Neil gritted his teeth. “Myrna?” He licked his lips anxiously. “Come on, fuck. Flanders? Flanders, arise!”

Nothing.

As his vision focused, he could make out the stark white blob that was the unicorn leisurely strolling toward him.

Fuck, fuck fuckity fucking fuck.

“Flanders, arise! Shit! Architect, awaken! Uh, uh, uh, Acrobat, spring forth!”

Still nothing.

And the unicorn was getting closer.

“Love is in the air, how Romantic? Shit, shit, shit. Grub! It’s time for grub, Sawbones!” Neil tried to stand, whimpering as the wound in his shoulder was instantly set ablaze from the attempt. “God…! Fuck! The stars… are out… Princess! Come to me, Bupha-whatever the fuck your name is.” Neil blinked away his tears, staring at the Reliquary on his wrist. “Fuck! Please!”

The unicorn was only a few yards off now.

“Fuck.” Neil tried to remember the words of Eugene’s song, humming the tune brokenly. “Baby, won’t you… won’t you please come fucking save my ass right now? Fuck!”

The ground trembled as if the earth was about to open up and something creaked above his head. He half-expected a sign to come crashing down on his head with the way his luck was going right now. It was a big neon sign for the Somerstown Pharmacy, but…

The letters were changing.

They formed new words:

NEIL! I’M COMING!

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

Izba?” Neil croaked. “Is that… you?”

The sign’s neons warped again.

IT IS

STAY! I WILL SAVE YOU

I AM ALMOST THERE

Neil desperately wanted to question how Izba, a magical living house, was coming to save him. It made him want to laugh, but he was pretty sure that laughing would hurt right now.

Besides, he didn’t have to wait very long to find out.

The ground shook with heavy footsteps that were rapidly approaching, and the unicorn paused to look back to see what was coming. It reminded Neil of that infamous scene in Jurassic Park where the T-Rex was coming at the cars and the water inside the cup jiggled, except this was moving much, much faster.

It was big, insanely big, and it was…

Izba!

The first floor of the flower shop was running at the unicorn on two ridiculously giant chicken legs. The other floors were completely gone, and each of Izba’s new legs was only as big around as a telephone pole. It was mind-boggling how they could support the weight of a literal building, and Neil did let out a hysterical laugh then.

He’d been stabbed by a unicorn and now the talking house with chicken legs was coming to save him.

Ow, laughing definitely hurt.

The unicorn was not as amused, and he visibly tensed to brace himself for Izba’s attack. Nothing, however, could have prepared him for the giant chicken foot that came swinging his way and punted him down the block with a single kick.

Neil laughed harder, though he instantly regretted it.

“Noosh!”

Neil looked up, gasping as Shiloh rushed toward him. “Shi…!”

“Fuck!” Shiloh dropped beside Neil, pressing his hand over Neil’s where he was still holding his stab wound. “Here, I’ve got you. I’ve got you, buddy. Hang on.”

There was warmth and a faint glow, and Neil shuddered. “Wh-what are you doing?”

“Healing you!”

“Your protection spell sucks.”

“My protection spell is the only reason you’re still alive right now!” Shiloh scolded. “Hush up, Noosh.”

The unicorn was charging back at Izba again, only to receive another devastating kick. The unicorn was thrown as before, but he recovered much faster this time. He jumped up into the air, attacking the front of the flower shop. His horn tore a surprisingly large hole in the brick, and Izba teetered backward.

“Shit!” Neil’s eyes widened.

“Hey, hey! Hold still!” Shiloh warned.

The unicorn ran underneath Izba, circling his scrawny legs. He jumped up, stabbing the underside of Izba’s foundation with an angry roar. Izba jerked, and bits of concrete or whatever his bottom was made out of came tumbling off as the unicorn continued to leap upward and attack.

Izba wobbled and sat down, crushing the unicorn beneath him.

“Fuck yeah!” Neil pumped his fist, though the cheering action drew a fresh jolt of pain to his injured shoulder. “Ow, ow, ow.”

“I told you to hold still!” Shiloh griped. “Calm down. Everything is okay now, all right? See? Izba squished the stupid unicorn.”

Izba wiggled his toes in what seemed to be a cheerful gesture.

This was it.

It was over.

It was…

Izba trembled, then suddenly stood back up. It was hard to qualify the emotions of a magical house, but he seemed very upset. He jumped around frantically as if he was lost or like he had ants in his pants.

“Izba?” Neil frowned. “What’s wrong?”

Izba wiggled and kicked one of his feet out.

“There.” Shiloh patted Neil’s shoulder. “You’re all set, Noosh.” He frowned, watching Izba’s strange antics with a frown. “What in the world has gotten into him?”

“I have no idea.” Neil blinked. “It’s almost like—”

The very not crushed unicorn suddenly burst out through the front door, landing on the street with an angry growl.

“Okay, I was definitely not going to say unicorn jumping out of the door.”

The unicorn went back on the offensive and chipped away at Izba’s walls with his horn, forcing Izba to retreat away. Chunks of brick were flying everywhere, and Neil panicked. He was certain it was hurting Izba, and he quickly tried to get to his feet. The world spun, and he fell right back down on his butt.

“Hey! Easy!” Shiloh rubbed Neil’s back. “Look, I healed you, but you still lost a lot of blood. You gotta—”

“I have to do something!” Neil protested. “All the spirits were sent back to the Reliquary, Lou is over there passed the fuck out, and Izba is getting clobbered! Come on!”

“Wait, every spirit? I thought there were like a dozen of them!”

“No, there’s nine, but…” Neil hesitated.

There was still one spirit he hadn’t been able to call on.

“Okay, I have to try something. And yes, I am going to sound insane.” Neil took a deep breath. “But I don’t know what else to do. I have no idea where Mr. Heiss and the rest of the family are. This is it. It’s my last shot.”

Shiloh gently squeezed Neil’s arm. “Then do it.”

“Okay. Bupha—rrhrhrhrr.”

“Bless you.”

“No, this is the thing! This is it!”

“Sorry, sorry.”

Neil tried again to say the insane name. “Bupha—urghhllurgh. Bupha—rugh? No, shit.” Some of his own spit got caught in his windpipe from struggling to pronounce the guttural sounds, and he coughed out, “Bupha—rghhrhhhrghh!”

“Prrrp?”

A small black shape appeared beside Neil, staring up at him with a dozen green eyes. It appeared to be a gallon of liquid magically suspended in the air, ever shifting and undulating. Little blobs broke off the main mass and floated around it before eventually merging back like the endless dance of a lava lamp. The eyes swam all throughout the inky blackness, twinkling brightly as they blinked outwardly from a thin black slit running down the middle like a cat’s.

“Buffy?” Neil gasped.

“Prrrrrp.” Buffy hopped up on Neil’s leg, trilling loudly. She took on a slightly more defined form with at least six legs and tall pointed ears. The never-ending lava lamp dance created a long tail trailing behind her as she turned circles in his lap.

Well, if it looks like a cat and prrrps like a cat…

Neil petted the top of what appeared to be Buffy’s head judging by the ears, and then he scratched behind each one. She felt like liquid silk, cool and sleek, and he was delighted to hear her purr. It sounded more like a lawnmower than a kitty, but it still made him smile in spite of the chaos surrounding him.

“Hey there, pretty girl,” Neil said, hoping an eldritch beast was okay with pet names. “I’ve been trying to call you. I could really, really use your help.”

Buffy blinked her many eyes and chirped curiously.

“Do you see that big stupid unicorn over there?”

She probably did since she had a dozen eyes.

“I would really appreciate it if you could kick his ass for me.” Neil scratched down by the bottom of Buffy’s tail.

She arched up into his touch, proving that eldritch beasts were capable of elevator butt.

“I will give you all the scratchies forever if you please, please help me.” Neil swallowed nervously. “He’s already kicked my ass, Lou’s, and all the other spirits of the Reliquary. Help me, Buffy-Wan Kenobi. You’re my last fucking hope.”

“Prrrrp!” Buffy hopped out of Neil’s lap.

Neil had no idea what a tiny, adorable, and slightly creepy blob was going to do against a unicorn, but he hoped it would work.

Except…

Huh.

Buffy wasn’t so tiny anymore.

She was growing fast, already bigger than Izba within the space of a blink. Her eyes had multiplied, and she had mouths now, countless gaping maws floating throughout her impressive mass. Each one was lined with long needlelike teeth, and strange tendrils were slithering out from her inky mass toward the unicorn.

Izba had been retreating from the unicorn, but he pushed forward once more to drive the unicorn right into Buffy.

The unicorn turned too late, roaring when he saw what had snuck up behind him. As Buffy’s tendrils wrapped around him, he tried to slice through them with his horn. The tendrils broke apart but quickly reformed, and they never once lost their grip on the unicorn.

Once Buffy lifted the unicorn into the air toward her many mouths and each tendril started pulling in a different direction…

Well, Neil already knew where this was going.

He closed his eyes, grimacing because it still did nothing to stop the horrible wet sounds of Buffy tearing the unicorn into bite-sized pieces to devour. She purred as she ate, and it went on for much longer than what Neil thought she’d need, but maybe she just liked taking her time.

“I… I don’t know what I just saw.” Shiloh sounded nauseated. “But it wasn’t real great.”

“Why did you look?” Neil groaned.

“I couldn’t stop! It was like a train wreck, okay?”

When the awful noise stopped, only then did Neil dare to peek open a single eye.

“Prrrrrp!” Buffy was once again small and adorable, eagerly leaping into Neil’s lap.

“Hi, pretty girl.” Neil scratched behind her ears. “Who’s a good girl? You are! The best little monster ever, yes, you are!”

“Prrrrp! Prrrp!”

“Okay, yes, you’re wonderful, but can we agree that to summon you I can just say… come here, pretty girl?”

“Prp.”

“Is that a yes? I’m pretending it’s a yes.”

“Prrrprrrp.” Buffy purred so loudly that Neil’s hand vibrated. She was clearly enjoying the affection, but something drew her attention. Her ears twitched, and she took off out of sight.

“You know you look crazy petting something I can’t see, right?” Shiloh asked casually.

“I know.” Neil grunted as he stood, looking around to see where Buffy had gone. “Kinda comes with the territory now. I just…” A new movement caught his eye, and he gasped when he saw it was Lou limping toward him. “Lou!”

“Baby!” Lou broke into a dead run when he spotted Neil, paying no mind to his injuries.

Neil sprinted to him and leapt into his arms, gasping as Lou grabbed him tight and spun him around. “Lou! God. You’re okay. Fuck, you’re okay.”

“I’m here.” Lou nuzzled the crook of Neil’s neck, breathing him in. He hugged Neil close. “I’m here, baby.”

Only minutes ago, Neil had been worried that he’d lose Lou forever. He’d been afraid he wasn’t going to be able to tell him how he felt. Now that they were both here, safe and alive, he couldn’t put the words together except for every curse word he knew in one long string of incoherent nonsense. His emotions bubbled over, and he smothered a broken sob into Lou’s shoulder, uttering a final, “Holy shit,” just for good measure.

“It’s okay,” Lou soothed as he cradled Neil against his chest. “Everything is okay now. I’m right here, and I’ve got you, baby. I’ve got you.”

Neil let one more sob go before he sniffed back his tears, quickly working to regain his composure. “F-fuck me.”

“Later, baby,” Lou teased.

“How much later?”

“Not too long.”

Neil laughed, and he hugged Lou again.

“I swear…” a familiar voice groaned. “We leave for five minutes.”

“Five tiny miniscule minutes,” added another with a huff.

“And you just had to go and fight a unicorn without us!”

Neil looked up to see Absolis and Vilanos pouting next to them, mirroring each other with crossed arms, cocked hips, and matching silver suits that barely qualified as such since they were comprised of short-shorts and cropped dress shirts.

Lou snorted dryly. “Sorry, next time I’ll make sure to wait for you.”

“Absolis. Vilanos.” Q.’s tone was sharp as he appeared with Mr. Heiss at his side, a hint of tentacles sliding back into his sleeves as he stalked toward them. “Track down the rest of the human witnesses and make sure they’re all glamoured. Every last one. Do you understand me?”

Absolis and Vilanos both pouted again, but they nodded obediently as they replied in unison, “Yes, sir.”

“Go. Now.” Q. watched the pair vanish before his gaze snapped to Mr. Heiss. “Report. Now.”

“The roadblocks remain in place,” Mr. Heiss replied. “They will hold until the morning. We have until then to clean this up.”

“You’d best get started.”

Mr. Heiss bristled. “Yes, sir.”

“Summon one of your legions. We need the street to be spotless.”

“Understood.” Mr. Heiss walked over to one of the corpses. He kneeled, dipping his finger in the blood to draw a large complicated circle with lots of weird symbols.

Nothing to see here.

Just a demon summoning more demons in the middle of Somerstown.

Neil shoved his face in between Lou’s pecs to soothe himself.

Lou rubbed his back and kissed the top of his head.

“Are you and your mate all right? Is the unicorn truly gone?” Q. asked.

“Yes, and I believe so, sir,” Lou replied.

“Oh, it’s definitely fucking gone,” Neil replied bluntly. “Fuckin’ eldritch kibble.”

Lou playfully popped Neil’s ass. “Language.”

Q. smiled. “The family will handle things here. Go home. Rest.”

“Thank you, Q.,” Lou said.

“I’d stay away from the flower shop for a few days,” Q. said mysteriously. “If there’s anything left of the operation on the third floor, we’re going to make sure the authorities seize it.”

“Understood.”

Michel, out of breath and panting hard with his tongue practically hanging out, came jogging up to Lou and Neil. He was clearly exhausted, gasping for breath as he said, “I… found… them!”

“No one offered to bring you back?” Lou scowled. “You’ve been out there running this whole time?”

“Yes… they… left me.”

Lou scowled at Q. “Q.?”

“What?” Q. shrugged. “He’s an asshole.”

Michel growled.

Izba crept over as if he was trying to be sneaky, which was comical considering he was the first floor of a building, and he leaned down over Q.

“Ah, hello, old friend,” Q. greeted Izba with a smile. “You look like you’ve had quite the adventure.”

The lines in the road moved.

YES

“Probably time to get back for a well-deserved rest, eh?”

Izba nodded.

That is to say that the entire building wobbled back and forth in an approximation of a nod.

Izba lumbered to the empty lot where the flower shop once stood to get situated, his legs shrinking as he settled down. There was a final tremor as he fully dropped into place, and the painted words on the front window swirled around.

I NEED TO… NAP NOW

“Thank you, Izba.” Neil smiled over at him. “Thank you for everything.

YOU ARE WELCOME

“Thank you,” Lou said. “For saving my mate.”

YOU ARE WELCOME

BUT NOT AS MUCH AS NEIL

“I would not expect anything less.” Lou laughed.

“Hey, Izzy.” Shiloh went over to pat the front window, saying, “Might take us a little while to get you fixed up, buddy, but I promise I’ll get started right away.”

“Do you think I should try to summon the Architect?” Neil asked Lou. “He could fix Izba up in no time. If you think he’s had enough rest.”

“It’s worth a shot.” Lou nodded. “Go ahead.”

“Architect, awaken.”

Nothing happened.

“The fuck?” Neil looked around with a frown. “Maybe he’s still trying to recover. Being stabbed by a unicorn really fucking blows.”

“Perhaps, but we could…” Lou trailed off, lifting up his arm to stare at his wrist in surprise.

It was the Reliquary!

“What?” Neil gasped.

“It’s back!” Michel exclaimed. “How?”

“I don’t know, but… Let’s see. Architect, awaken?” Lou sounded unsure, as if it was a question, but indeed the Architect appeared.

The Architect towered over them and gave a little wave.

“Hey, big guy!” Neil waved back.

“Hello.” Lou smiled warmly. “It’s good to see you again.”

The Architect grinned.

“I know you’re probably eager to get back to your sleep, but could you pretty please fix up Izba for us? He’s had a rough day.”

The Architect nodded, already on his way over to the trail of rubble that used to be the second and third floor of the flower shop. Neil already knew what was going to happen and for the sake of his stomach, chose to look at Lou instead.

Nice, naked, beautiful Lou.

“I’m actually a little bummed,” Neil teased. “I really liked having everybody around.”

“Since you’ve previously owned the Reliquary, you’ll still be able to see them all.” Lou smiled. “Don’t worry. Flanders will still be able to tell you how much he hates your shoes.”

“Damn right,” Flanders’s voice grumbled. He sounded tired and far away, but Neil swore he was smiling.

Neil laughed. “Don’t worry. I haven’t forgotten my promise to burn my shoes.” He dropped his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “These are covered in unicorn blood anyway. I need to get some new ones.”

Flanders groaned.

“One, two, three…” Lou’s brow furrowed. “Huh.”

“What’s wrong?” Neil asked.

“There are only eight cabochons on the Reliquary.”

“What do you mean there’s only eight caboo-what?”

“The beads. There are eight. As in one less than nine.”

There was a tickle at Neil’s wrist, and he looked down in surprise to see he was still wearing a bracelet.

But there was only one cabochon.

“Uh, somebody decided to stay behind?” Neil blinked.

Lou examined Neil’s new bracelet. “That’s Buffy.”

“Wow.” Neil gasped in awe. “I get to keep the awesome scary eldritch cat?”

“It seems that way.” Lou shook his head. “I can’t believe it. I didn’t think it was even possible to be honest.”

Myrna appeared, human and smiling. “Well, the one perk of being stabbed by a unicorn is that we all had time to have a nice little chat amongst ourselves. Considering all the recent excitement, the majority of us decided it would be best to return to you, Lou.”

“Let me guess. Except Buffy.”

“She said Neil gives very good scratchies.”

“Damn skippy.” Neil grinned.

“This is incredible.” Lou hugged Neil close. “My baby. The eldritch cat whisperer.”

“So,” Michel grumbled, “the human still has part of the Reliquary. Arguably the most powerful one.”

“And?” Lou eyeballed Michel.

“Then I guess it’s good he’s a human we can trust,” Michel said at last.

“Keep flirting with me like that and people are gonna talk,” Neil teased.

Michel rolled his eyes.

“Wow.” Neil fidgeted with the bracelet. “I really get to keep her?”

There was a loud prrrp and distinct pressure as an invisible cat-sized something rubbed against Neil’s leg.

“I believe that’s a yes.” Lou smirked.

“I’m not going to question that it looks like a giant monster is eating Izba and then puking him back up again because it’s fixing him, but…” Shiloh burst out laughing. “That is seriously gross.”

The Architect pouted.

“Seriously awesome, you mean,” Neil corrected. He left Lou’s arms to hug Shiloh. “And so are you. Thank you.”

“Hey, come on now.” Shiloh squeezed Neil tight. “You don’t have to thank me. We’re family.” He chuckled. “Really, I think I should be apologizing to you. It’s my fault you got into this mess. If I hadn’t asked about watching the shop, I—”

“No,” Neil cut in quickly. “You don’t have to apologize for anything, Uncle Shi. I mean it, thank you. For everything. For offering me this job, for saving my life, all of it.”

Shiloh’s frown was skeptical. “Really?”

Neil smiled. “I wouldn’t have met Lou if you hadn’t. And, uh, I’m really, really glad I did.”

“And how long exactly has that been going on?”

“Well…” Neil glanced back at Lou.

Lou had gotten a pair of pants from somewhere, and he and Michel were talking to Q. Several suited men were magically cleaning up the bodies while more climbed out of the circle Mr. Heiss had drawn. Mr. Heiss was busy arguing with that Luke guy and pointing angrily at one of the bodies while Sariel looked on with a pout.

“Depends on who you ask, but long enough to know that it’s really damn special,” Neil finally replied.

“Are you happy, Noosh?”

“Yeah.” Neil’s heart skipped over itself. “I really am.”

“Good.”

“I mean, I could have done without the being stabbed by a unicorn bit, but still. Worth it.”

“Absolutely worth it, baby,” Lou purred in agreement as he hugged Neil from behind, smooching his hair.

Neil melted. “Hell yeah.”

“Remind me the next time I wanna come home early from a trip to not do that.” Shiloh smirked. “Even to help old friends.”

“Yeah, hey.” Neil perked up. “What are you doing back early anyway? I didn’t think you were coming back until the end of the summer!”

“I found another damn cereus for Lou!” Shiloh shrugged. “I knew it was important because of the P-L-A-G-U-E, so I dropped everything to come home. I headed right for the Tower as soon as I landed. The last thing I remember is getting out of my car.”

“The ribelli may have been watching the Tower,” Lou mused. “Someone must have recognized you.”

“How would they know who he was?” Neil asked. “I know he’s a witch and all, but…”

“I used to be pretty popular over at the Salted Scale back in the day.” Shiloh winked. “You’re not the only monster fucker in this family, okay?”

Neil grimaced and then laughed. “Got it.”

“Speaking of which.” Shiloh smoothed his hair back. “I think I’m gonna go say hello to Mr. Heiss.”

“Okay. You go do that.”

Shiloh patted Neil’s shoulder. “You take care of yourself, kiddo. I’ll call you tomorrow. I’m giving Izba the weekend off. You too.”

“Thanks, Uncle Shi.” Neil grinned. “Have fun.”

“See you later, Shiloh.” Lou waved farewell.

“Take care of my nephew, Lou,” Shiloh warned playfully. “I’d really hate to have to brew up some wolfsbane tea, all right?”

“Understood.”

“You boys have a nice night. I’m gonna try to go have a great one.” Shiloh strolled over to Mr. Heiss, and Neil swore there was a swing in his uncle’s hips that he’d never known he was capable of.

Neil turned around to hug Lou’s chest and bury his face there. He didn’t need to see his uncle flirting with a demon.

Today had already been weird enough.

Neil smiled as Lou’s arms wrapped around him. That familiar fluttering around his heart was back, and Neil breathed in Lou’s comforting scent with a happy sigh. He knew then he’d already fallen head over heels for Lou.

Hook, line, knots, and all.

Or however that expression went.

“Hi, baby,” Lou murmured, nuzzling Neil’s hair.

“Hey.” Neil peeked up at Lou.

Their eyes met, and those three little words were right on the tip of Neil’s tongue. He bit on his lip to hold them back, choosing to say instead, “So, is it time for the celebratory sex yet?”

“Almost.” Lou chuckled. “But first, I have to tell you that I’m in love with you.”

“Well, I guess, if you must, but…” Neil’s brain hadn’t fully registered what Lou had said before replying, and his thought process blue screened when it did. His pulse thumped, his breath caught, and he squeaked, “What?”

“Weres have a saying about how you know when you’ve found your mate,” Lou said with a soft smile. “That you’ll know when you’ve found them because they’ll smell like home.” He bowed his head, pressing his brow to Neil’s. “Nothing has ever smelled as sweetly as you do, Othniel Ricci, and I can’t imagine going a single day without falling asleep with you in my arms and waking up to your smile.”

Neil opened his mouth to reply with something equally romantic, but all that came tumbling out was a choked up, “I love you too. So much. And it’s crazy. I know it’s crazy, but I love you.”

Lou beamed. “My mate.”

“Yours.” Neil kissed him passionately, sliding his fingers through Lou’s long hair as Lou’s tongue dove into his mouth. It was hot, sweet, and Neil moaned for more, nearly swooning as Lou took the kiss deeper still. He swore their souls touched in that moment, and the love he felt radiating through the slide of Lou’s lips made him feel like he could have kicked the asses of an entire army of unicorns.

When they finally parted, they were both breathless and grinning.

Neil was so giddy that he laughed, teasing, “So! Can we please go home to your nice big tub and your nice warm bed now? Maybe have some of that celebratory sex? Because I definitely feel like celebrating.”

“Absolutely, baby.” Lou squeezed Neil’s hips. “We’re gonna go home, and you’re gonna take a long hot bath and tell me exactly what you want to eat. I’m going to feed you while you’re still soaking and you’re to stay in that bath for as long as you want or until it gets cold. If you wanna stay in longer, I’ll refill the whole tub. When you’re done, I’m going to help you get out, dry you off, and then we’re going to bed so I can massage your entire body until you either fall asleep or beg me to fuck you.”

“God, I love it when you tell me what to do.”

“I know, baby.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

THE NIGHT OF THE NEXT FULL MOON…

Dating a werewolf continued to be the best decision of Neil’s life.

No, wait.

Falling in love with one.

That was the best decision.

Thanks to the incredible powers of the Mostro family, no evidence remained of the ribelli attack or the battle between a magical house and a unicorn. By the next morning, there was no sign that anything had ever happened. Recordings of the floating unicorn were cleansed from the internet, though credit for that was given to Francis, the family’s bookkeeper who was apparently also quite good with computers.

Michel agreed to return as Lou’s second, and he was still an asshole. However, he was a trustworthy asshole and personally oversaw the search to locate the remaining ribelli and seeking out the Smith family’s remaining operations to turn them over to the authorities.

Izba made a full recovery thanks to the Architect, and Shiloh had decided to stay in town and reopen Uranian Flora. He waited, of course, until after the police raided the third floor and had concluded their investigation into the Smith’s drug operation. Neil and Lou had told Shiloh he could stay over at Lou’s while it was ongoing, but he declined.

He didn’t confirm or deny if he’d been successful wooing Mr. Heiss, but he assured them that he had a place to go.

Neil stayed with Lou and it was obvious fairly quickly that he wasn’t going back to the apartment at the flower shop. They hadn’t quite waited the traditional month for modern weres, but neither one of them had a doubt about what they wanted.

So, Neil moved in.

He made a new spidey jail cup to make it official.

He continued to work at the flower shop with Shiloh, who was already planning another trip in a few weeks. Neil offered to watch the shop again, and Shiloh made him swear there wouldn’t be another crazy mess when he came back home this time. Neil said he wasn’t making any promises that he couldn’t keep.

Although he still had no idea what to do about returning to college in the fall, Lou had assured him that he no longer had to worry about paying for his tuition if he wanted to go back. Having a werewolf boyfriend who just so happened to be rich had its perks. Neil had decided that as much as he liked the fancy suits, he now wanted a career where he could dress comfortably at all times.

Namely, he wanted a job where he could wear his Crocs.

While he did burn his old pair to make good on his promise to Flanders, he bought a new set in neon blue for himself and another in orange for Lou.

Flanders cried.

Lou liked to wear his around the house while he tended to his army of cacti, including the new cereus Shiloh had gotten him. He asked Neil to help him name it, and Neil decided to follow Myrna’s own delightful style of naming and chose to call it Fuzzy Puffles.

Neil still saw Myrna and Flanders regularly, and Buffy made herself known more often now, usually demanding scratchies and pets. He was grateful that while Lou had the bulk of the Reliquary’s spirits, he still got to see them all since he was a previous owner. He missed them when he and Lou were apart—and Lou too, of course—but he had Izba and Shiloh to keep him company at the flower shop while he was working at least.

Izba demanded movie nights at least once a week, and Neil would bring the Rolodex home with him so he could join him and Lou to watch something.

And yes, it usually involved a house.

It was the weekend now, and Neil had taken it off. He knew the full moon was tonight, and Lou had already hinted that he had special plans for them. Neil had to wait for Lou to finish with today’s monster mafia business, and he let himself be nice and lazy, camping out on the couch with Buffy to binge television all day.

When Lou finally came home, he dragged Neil into the bedroom to get showered, changed, and ready.

It was finally time.

They were going to a restaurant with cloth napkins.

It was a human restaurant called Felix’s, an especially classy joint that had waiters wearing full tuxedos and big shiny crystal chandeliers hanging everywhere. Neil’s jaw dropped when they walked in, and he clung to Lou’s arms to steady himself. He definitely didn’t want to touch anything, certain that a glass of water here was probably melted from the snow of some distant exotic mountain and cost more than he made in a day at the flower shop.

“Holy shit,” Neil mumbled.

Lou smiled warmly. “You said cloth napkins, baby. You’re getting them.”

“Wow. This is fucking incredible.” Neil squeezed Lou’s bicep. “Thank you, baby.”

“You deserve nothing less than the best.” Lou chastely kissed his brow.

They were shown to their table in a private dining room with a roaring fireplace, and Neil nearly passed out. He actually giggled when one of the waiters pulled out his chair for him, and he grinned over at Lou in awe.

This was next-level fancy shit right here.

Lou ordered for them, something called a beef Wellington, and he smirked as he added, “And if you could also please bring out a side of pommes frites and a bowl of ranch dressing. Thank you.”

The waiter raised a brow, but he nodded. “Of course, sir. Right away.”

After the waiter left, Neil grinned and said, “Pommes frites is just another way to say french fries, isn’t it?”

“Yes, it is.” Lou chuckled. “I’m afraid you’ve gotten me addicted.”

“I told you it was good!”

“That you did.” Lou offered his hand across the table.

Neil eagerly took it, sighing contentedly. “This really is amazing.”

“I’m glad you like it, baby.” Lou winked “It’s very difficult to get a reservation here. Had to squeeze a few necks to make sure I got one.”

“I’m gonna pretend that’s your mafia humor and you’re joking.”

Lou grinned.

“Yeah, definitely joking. Hopefully.”

“Strong maybe.”

Flanders grunted loudly as he made his presence known, flopping in front of the fireplace. “Lou. You need one of these.”

“Oh?” Lou chuckled.

“Yes. Immediately.”

“Could be nice,” Neil said. “Very romantic.”

“There’s a cabin in the mountains I used to rent years ago that had a big stone fireplace,” Lou mused. “It’s absolutely beautiful in the winter. I think a trip may be in order.”

“Wow. You really do love spoiling me, don’t you?”

“Of course. I love you.”

Flanders rolled over onto his back, groaning again as he soaked up the warmth from the fire.

Neil ignored him, saying, “I love you too. I mean, I don’t have much, but I am really awesome at giving head.”

Lou snorted out a laugh. “That you are.”

Flanders rolled back the other way, grunting noisily.

Neil sighed.

“Flanders! Get back here!” Myrna fussed, remaining unseen for now. “You’re going to ruin their date!”

“No, I’m not,” Flanders argued as he stretched out and groaned. “They won’t even know I’m here.”

“Except you keep moaning!”

“It’s fine.” Neil chuckled. “I’m doing what I normally do. Ignoring him.”

“Just for that, I’m going to moan even louder.” Flanders let out a groan that rattled the silverware on the table.

“Flanders!” Myrna did show herself then, wagging her finger at Flanders. “You’re doing that on purpose.”

“Me?” Flanders batted his eyes innocently. “Never.”

“Like when I caught you chewing up my favorite T-shirt?” Neil drawled.

“That was a mercy killing.”

“I hope you get fucking fleas.”

“Now, now. Behave, children,” Lou scolded playfully. “The food will be here soon.”

“Good.” Neil smirked. “I’m gonna shove a pommes frite right up Flanders’s nose.”

Flanders narrowed his eyes. “Try it and see what happens.”

Myrna sighed wistfully. “I do so love our little family, but I wish we’d find more healthy ways to show affection for each other as opposed to threats of physical harm.”

Neil laughed. “Yeah! But then we wouldn’t be us, would we?”

“Ah, I suppose not, darling.” Myrna smiled.

Flanders managed to keep his groaning to himself when the food arrived, and then it was Neil’s turn to get noisy. He had no idea what all went into beef Wellington and didn’t care because it was delicious. He and Lou shared the fries and ranch, and Lou didn’t even bat an eye when Neil dipped the beef Wellington into the ranch.

Flanders pretended to retch.

The waiter came by to clear their emptied plates and drop off a dessert menu that Neil eagerly eyeballed, and he happened to catch Lou looking at him.

That wasn’t so unusual since Lou looked at him all the time, but it was the way Lou was looking at him right now—adoring, loving, and yes, even a little hungry. Neil had never felt a love like this, and he smiled, his cheeks flushing from the intensity of such a powerful gaze.

It also reminded him…

“So.” Neil cleared his throat. “It is a full moon tonight, you know.”

“Yes?” Lou’s smile was sly.

“And you keep talking about the virility of werewolves and how great that dick is on a full moon.”

“Are you not satisfied, mate?”

“Oh, I’m very satisfied. I’m just saying… You’ve been talking this really big game, and I could probably be a bit more satisfied.”

Lou took Neil’s hand. “We’d best get going then.”

“Wait, but dessert—”

“We’ll be having dessert at home, baby. At least six times.”

“Six?” Neil squeaked.

“Not enough?” Lou hummed thoughtfully. “My record is eight… but we can probably break that.”

“Let’s fuckin’ go.”

* * *

Neil was already so hard that he thought his dick could cut diamonds by the time he and Lou stumbled through the front door. They were locked together, kissing passionately as they tore at each other’s clothes. Quite literally in Lou’s case as he ripped Neil’s shirt wide open and then snapped his tie out of his way. He peeled what was left of Neil’s shirt, tie, and jacket down and off Neil’s shoulders in one big bunch, lunging forward to suck at his throat.

Neil groaned, struggling to get his arms out. They remained tangled in his clothing, and he gasped as Lou crowded him against the wall. He rocked his hips against Lou’s, making sure to get plenty of friction between their cocks.

Lou’s shoulders and chest swelled until the seams of his jacket and shirt split, buttons flying as his shift took over. He didn’t transform fully, but he increased in size, his fingers grew claws, and a light coating of black fur sprouted over his exposed skin.

Neil could feel Lou’s teeth lengthening too, and he moaned happily when they pricked against the tender skin of his throat. His temperature soared, and he squirmed helplessly, his arms still caught up in his clothing. The sense of being held so immobile was thrilling, arousing him to impossible limits, and he gasped.

“Safe word,” Lou growled, his voice animallike and hoarse.

“Marzipan.” Neil panted. “Motherfucking marzipan.”

“Good boy.” Lou kissed him. “Good mate. Now, go on and get on your knees.”

“Fuckin’ yes, sir.” Neil kneeled, trying to wiggle out of his clothing the rest of the way.

“No.” Lou smiled. “Keep your arms just like that.”

Neil shivered. “Yes, sir.”

Lou freed his cock, stroking the leaking head over Neil’s lips.

Neil eagerly licked at the precome and savored the heat of Lou’s thick cock. He opened his mouth, groaning as he was rewarded with the fat head. He sucked it hungrily and swirled his tongue around the slit, peeking up at Lou through his lashes.

“Such a very, very good boy,” Lou purred. He held the base of his dick to guide it deeper into Neil’s mouth, and he dragged his claws through Neil’s hair. He remained only partially shifted, halfway between monster and man, and his cock was definitely bigger like this.

Neil’s lips stretched around Lou’s impressive girth, and he bobbed his head to take on more. He sucked hungrily, already trying to take Lou to the back of his throat. His eyes watered when Lou thrust faster, and he squirmed, wishing he could reach down to grab his own aching dick to alleviate its pounding.

He loved when Lou used his mouth like this, as if he was Lou’s own personal toy, and Neil didn’t care about the drool streaming down his chin. He wanted Lou to keep fucking his face until he was blasting his load down his throat, and he couldn’t get enough of all the little growls and grunts Lou made. Each one was deep, rumbling, and absolutely inhuman, and they sent the most delicious shivers zooming down Neil’s spine.

He’d decided that his ears had a direct connection to his cock because hearing the sounds Lou uttered in the clutches of passion absolutely drove him wild.

Lou’s knot was getting bigger, and he had to pull his thrusts to make sure it didn’t get trapped in Neil’s mouth. “Almost there, baby… fuck, I love how you suck my big cock. You look so fuckin’ perfect with your mouth stuffed like this.”

Neil whimpered, blinking through his tears to watch Lou’s face as his orgasm rapidly approached. He knew the pinch of his brow, the same one as when he was worried, was also a sign that he was getting ready to bust. Lou’s lips curled back and his eyes burned into Neil’s as his panting grew more frantic and hoarse.

“Fuck! Here it comes, baby! Here it comes!” Lou grabbed the back of Neil’s head, forcing his cock right down his throat as he came, his knot pressed flush against Neil’s lips.

Neil swallowed Lou’s load with a ravenous groan, lavishing Lou’s cock with swirls of his tongue. He took every drop and put pressure on Lou’s knot by leaning forward and using his face to push it up against his groin.

“Such a good boy. Such a very good boy.” Lou lightly clawed at Neil’s scalp, holding himself deep to make sure Neil sucked him clean. “Christ, baby. You’re amazing.”

Neil whimpered as Lou withdrew his cock, and he licked his lips. “Yeah, I know. I’m awesome.”

Lou chuckled as he helped Neil up to his feet. He held his arms to dissuade him from trying to free them, and he pressed a searing kiss to his lips. “Mm, baby.”

Neil kissed him back adoringly, and he rocked forward to remind Lou he hadn’t come yet. He gasped as Lou tore at his pants and underwear, and he suddenly found himself being lifted up on the wall. “Sh-shit! Lou!”

Lou moved Neil like he weighed nothing, resting Neil’s legs on his shoulders and holding his back to keep him in place. He stuck his face in Neil’s groin, seeking out the hole he’d made there.

Neil’s arms were pinned behind his back, and he groaned as Lou’s tongue found his hole. The long licks were fast, impatient, and Neil melted as Lou’s tongue soon pressed inside of him. The slick pressure was incredible, and he moaned excitedly as Lou thrust hard and deep, fucking Neil’s asshole wide open. While Neil remained a big fan of Lou’s monster cock, his tongue was a very close second.

Lou’s tongue twisted and curled, sliding all around Neil’s inner walls and coaxing out such noises from Neil’s lips that didn’t sound the least bit human to his ears. He sagged, letting Lou have complete and total control over his body. He whimpered when Lou’s tongue bumped against his prostate, only giving him a fleeting tease of the pressure he craved so.

“Sir, please.” Neil gasped. “Please, I wanna come!”

Lou growled, and he only fucked Neil’s asshole faster. He shifted the position of his hands as he stepped away from the wall, carrying Neil with him as he walked over toward the giant window wall in the living room. The ceiling was high enough that Neil didn’t have to worry about ducking his head, though he did wonder why Lou was bringing him over here and not to the bedroom.

“Sir, pretty please?” Neil tried again. “I need it. Please, I need to come.”

Lou removed his tongue with a noisy slurp. “Mmm, not yet, baby.” He gently lowered Neil down until his feet touched the ground. “Turn around for me. Face the window.”

Neil did, though his legs were a bit wobbly. He looked out at the city of Somerstown below, a dark labyrinth of twisted streets and tall buildings glowing like a swarm of fireflies beneath the light of the full moon hanging high in the sky. The moon looked huge, a beacon of radiant light in an otherwise black sky, and though the stars were few, it was still breathtaking.

He smiled. “It’s beautiful.”

“Not as beautiful as you are.” Lou was smiling in the reflection of the glass, and he finally pulled the remains of Neil’s jacket and shirt off to free his arms.

Neil stretched. “Mmm, thank you, baby.”

Lou went for Neil’s pants next, reaching around him to unbuckle his belt.

“Wait.” Neil inhaled sharply. “You’re gonna… right here? By your cactuses?”

“Cacti, and yes.”

“Cactuses.”

Lou snorted. “Cacti is correct, and yes, I am going to fuck you right here next to them.”

Neil shuddered. “Anybody could look up and see us…”

“Only with a pair of binoculars or if they happen to be a monster with excellent vision.” Lou chuckled as he pulled Neil’s pants and underwear down. “Go ahead and strip, baby. Right now.”

“Fuck.” Neil slipped his shoes off so he could step out of his clothing, and he watched in the reflection as Lou undressed behind him. He could see black fur growing across Lou’s broad chest, his shoulders and arms bulging out, and Neil’s mouth filled with spit. He loved when Lou let his shift take over, even a little, but still…

“Okay, sir, but listen.” Neil licked his lips. “The root word of cactus is kaktos, a Greek word. Not Latin. So, it wouldn’t be pluralized that way. Cactuses is correct. Just like octopuses. It also has a Greek root word, so Greek rules.”

“No.” Lou smacked Neil’s ass. “While it is true that cactus is Greek in origin, it’s also a word in Botanical Latin, a system of classification used especially for flora. Therefore, it should be pluralized as cacti, following the standard Latin rules. Not Greek.”

“You’re hot as fuck when you say smart things, but I’m still gonna say cactuses.”

Lou chuckled low and popped Neil’s ass again.

Neil groaned lightly, and he put his hands up on the glass. His cheek stung faintly, and the burn went right to his dick. He arched his back and shuddered as Lou’s claws dragged down his sides and hips. Being at the window was getting him hot, and the idea of someone seeing him like this, naked and on display for Lou’s pleasure, was immensely arousing.

Lou slid his cock up to Neil’s asshole, rubbing the head around to spread his precome. “It’s time to focus, baby. I’m going to fuck you right here and knot you. I’m going to give you my load where everyone in this whole fucking city can see me claim you as mine.”

“Yes, sir. Please. Fuck. Let’s do that, please, please, please—”

“But…”

“But what?” Neil actually turned his head around to stare at Lou.

“You’re not going to come yet.”

“What?”

“You’re not going to come until I’ve given you my knot three times.”

“Are we counting the blowjob? Because—ow!” Neil yelped as Lou cracked his hand across his ass. “You mean, mean man.”

“Now…” Lou smirked. “Turn around and be a good boy for me.”

Neil whined, but he obeyed. He sighed as Lou’s cock pressed in syrupy slow, and he enjoyed the ample thickness filling him. He loved the stretch, the way his body ached with it, and he arched into Lou’s claws grabbing his hips. The first full thrust took his breath away, and the next made him groan.

Lou moved in and out a few times as if to make sure that Neil was truly ready for him. Once he appeared to be satisfied, he slammed in deep and set a brutal pace that pushed Neil face-first into the window.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” Neil moaned helplessly as he struggled against the glass, clawing at the slick surface as Lou pounded his ass. Each savage snap of Lou’s hips was powerful enough to lift Neil’s feet off the floor, and he gasped as Lou crowded behind him, fucking him faster. There was a distinct squeak from Neil’s body rubbing against the window, and the cool surface was refreshing to his blazing skin.

His cock was trapped between the glass and his stomach, and the coolness against such sensitive flesh made him shiver and twitch. He was throbbingly hard, already in desperate want of relief, but he tried to relax and submit to Lou’s ferocious fucking. He would come, eventually. And when he finally did, fuck, it was going to be worth the wait.

It always was.

Lou’s claws dug into Neil’s skin, and he dragged his teeth over his shoulder.

Neil tilted his head to give Lou room to work, and he sobbed as Lou bit down. Lou’s knot was swelling up again, and he could feel it slapping against his asshole, trying to force its way inside of him. Everything was wet from Lou’s precome and hot from the frantic friction, and Neil gritted his teeth, pleading, “Come on! Give it to me! Give me your fucking knot!”

Lou’s feverish pounding and his tight grip brought Neil off the floor, crushing him into the glass as his knot popped inside. He howled, a sound so piercing that Neil felt it vibrating through the window as Lou’s hot load filled him up. The rush threatened to tip him over the edge alongside Lou, and he whined, fighting off the urge for release.

The swell of the knot was grounding, heavy in a way Neil had grown addicted to, and he reached back to touch himself where they were joined. His asshole was stretched so tight that it felt silky smooth where it hugged the base of Lou’s knot, and he breathed out a shaky, “Wow.”

Lou licked at Neil’s shoulder, purring, “Mm, baby.”

“Uh-huh,” Neil mumbled back against the glass.

“Well, that’s two down, seven to go to break my record.” Lou chuckled devilishly.

“Fuck me.” Neil laughed.

“That’s the idea, baby. Seven more times, in fact.” Lou nosed through Neil’s hair, breathing him in with a happy sigh. He rocked his hips, the knot still firmly holding them together. “I wonder how many times I can make you come.”

“A lot. The answer is a lot, sir.”

“I suppose we’ll have to see how good you are.” Lou had reverted back to his human form judging by what Neil could see in the window, and he hugged Neil around his waist. “And so far, you’ve been exquisite.”

“God, I love you.” Neil smiled, sagging into the window. “I love you so much.”

“And I love you, my beautiful mate.” Lou hugged Neil closer, trailing the line of his shoulder with soft kisses.

Neil reached down to squeeze Lou’s forearm, enjoying the following moments of silence as they both tried to catch their breath and simply bask in their union. Neil’s balls were tight and the need to bust was still right there, but he ignored it in favor of trying to treasure this intimate embrace. He wasn’t sure how many minutes passed before Lou’s knot went down so they could part, and Lou pushed Neil back into the glass when he tried to move.

“Stay,” Lou ordered.

“Yes, sir.” Neil glanced back to see Lou kneeling behind him. “What are you…” Lou’s tongue slid over Neil’s asshole. “Oh!”

Lou spread Neil’s cheeks wide, his long tongue effortlessly slipping into his soft hole. He lapped at him eagerly, thrusting deep and twirling around against his prostate.

Neil’s toes curled into the floor, and he moaned. His asshole was so tender from the rough fucking, and Lou’s tongue felt extra incredible with as sensitive as he was right now. The teasing bumps against his prostate made his hips jerk, and he rocked back on Lou’s tongue, riding his face greedily. “Yes, sir… fuck, yes… God, yes, that’s so fucking good.”

Lou licked him clean for several more minutes before he finally seemed satisfied. He nipped at Neil’s cheek as he stood, grabbing Neil’s hips to turn him around for a sweet kiss. “Mm, delicious.”

“So fucking delicious,” Neil mumbled against Lou’s lips.

Lou swept Neil up into his arms to carry him to the bedroom. He kissed him all the way to the bed, only parting when he placed him down and stretched him out in the middle of the mattress. He looked over Neil’s naked body with a ravenous gaze, taunting, “Look at how hard you are. I don’t think I can trust you not to touch yourself. I’m going to have to tie you up, baby.”

“F-fuck.” Neil groaned. “I can be good, sir. I promise.

“Tying you up is going to help you be good, baby. Trust me.”

As if by magic, a long red satin ribbon appeared on the bed beside them.

Lou smirked. “Thank you, Myrna.” He picked up the ribbon and then looped it around Neil’s wrists. He tied them and paused to check the fit. “Not too tight?”

Neil wiggled his hands. “No, sir. It’s good.”

“Good.” Lou pushed Neil’s hands up to the headboard, tying the excess ribbon there. “Look at how… how gorgeous you are. All wet and open, ready for me to fuck you again.”

“Yes, sir. Please.” Neil spread his legs wide in invitation.

“Soon, baby.” Lou dragged his hands over Neil’s wrists and then down his arms, taking his time as he caressed his way to his shoulders. He paused at his chest and massaged his thumbs over Neil’s nipples.

Neil’s breath caught, and his cock twitched.

Lou continued to rub Neil’s nipples, touching them in slow, lazy circles until they were both hard. Then he applied steadily increasing pressure as he rolled each one between his fingers.  He squeezed hard enough to make Neil moan before letting go and then repeating the torturous process all over again.

Neil humped the air, his cock in dire need of stimulation. His precome was dripping down his shaft by the fourth time Lou pinched his nipples, and he pulled hard at the ribbon holding him in place. He knew the ribbon was loose enough that he probably could have slipped it if he really wanted to, but he loved the sense of struggling too much to try it.

Lou bowed his head to lick at Neil’s left nipple, swirling his tongue around the tender flesh. He sucked it with enough force that Neil whimpered, and then he moved over to give the right one the same treatment. He shifted closer between Neil’s legs, his hard cock pressing into Neil’s thigh.

“Please.” Neil licked his lips anxiously as he wrapped his legs around Lou’s hips. “Please, sir. Please, fuck me. Give me your knot again. Please, please, please. Make me yours.” He tried to think of what to say that might help convince Lou. “Make me your mate.”

Lou growled, his head snapping up as he stared Neil down.

Yup, that did it.

He gave Neil’s nipple one last hungry lick before reaching down to line his cock back up. He thrust inside in one smooth slam, baring his teeth in a wild snarl. “You’re already my mate, and you always will be.”

Neil shuddered from the surge of hot friction, and he dared to whisper, “Then fucking show me.”

Lou growled and dragged Neil’s legs up onto his shoulders. His body grew as swaths of fur sprouted along his skin, and claws grew from his fingers where he held Neil’s thighs. His ears twisted up into points, his teeth sharpened, and his eyes were an even more brilliant shade of icy blue than ever before.

This was as close to Lou’s true werewolf form that had ever been inside of Neil, and he gasped at the first slam, surprised and awed by the strength behind it.

Oh, fuck yes.

Lou fucked him hard, and the entire bed shook. The headboard crashed into the wall, and Neil mewled and cried out with every incredibly rough thrust. Lou’s cock was so much bigger and longer now, and the depth it could reach made Neil sob. He could see his stomach bulge out when Lou pushed in so deep, and he squirmed, helplessly speared on Lou’s giant cock over and over again.

His boyfriend was an absolute beast, relentlessly pounding his body down into the mattress until Neil’s knees were in his chest. In this folded position, Lou was hitting the amazing nerve endings and Neil tugged at the ribbon, not able to do anything else except take the wonderfully brutal assault.

Christ, it was good.

It was better than good—it was fucking perfect.

The tension in Neil’s balls was rapidly approaching levels of sheer madness, and he needed something to alleviate it. He wanted to come, and he struggled against the thin ribbon, trying to distract himself from the aching need to orgasm. He was positively writhing as Lou took what he wanted and fucked him senseless, and Neil whined as he realized one of his hands had slipped out of the ribbon.

He braced himself against the headboard to show Lou he was still being obedient, but the need for relief was overwhelming. “Please, please. I need to come, sir. I need to come so fuckin’ bad!”

“Not until I do,” Lou growled. “Only then—”

Neil lurched upward and sank his teeth into Lou’s neck.

Lou howled, and his knot swelled instantly. He fucked Neil impossibly faster until it finally slammed inside, and he howled again, flooding Neil’s asshole with another fat load of hot come.

Neil didn’t bother waiting for permission. He couldn’t. The surge of pressure from being filled so quickly and having already been denied was too much. He came with enough force to make his vision blur, his hips jerking erratically as he clenched down on Lou’s pulsing knot. Grinding on it as hard as he could, Neil tried to wrench every last possible ounce of pleasure that could be had, and the sweet trembles of ecstasy were over far too quickly.

He sagged, exhausted, and he reached up with his freed hand to cradle Lou’s furry cheek.

Lou shifted back to a more human version of himself, and he leaned in for a breathless kiss.

And they kissed.

And they kissed some more.

They kissed until long after Lou’s knot had shrunk but they remained connected, holding each other close. Lou had lowered Neil’s legs down around his waist so he could embrace him, and Neil slipped his other hand free of the ribbon to drag his fingers through Lou’s long hair. They were both sweaty and probably too hot, but Neil didn’t want to ever let go.

Not ever.

Lou was a dangerous monster, a ruthless criminal, and the man Neil loved more than anything else in the whole world. He hadn’t set his expectations very high when he first came to Somerstown. He’d thought he was going to save some money, maybe figure out what he was going to do for school, and try to get his crap together by the end of the summer.

He could have never predicted that he’d discover monsters were real and that one would be the love of his life.

“Wow,” Lou murmured quietly. “That, baby, was truly amazing.”

Neil cracked a grin. “So, you decided to count the blowjob, huh?”

Lou laughed. “That I did. It was a damn good blowjob.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too, baby.” Lou kissed him again. “Mm, so fuckin’ much.”

“I’ll love you even more if you carry me to the bathtub.”

Lou chuckled. “Oh?”

“My asshole feels like it has its own damn heartbeat right now.”

“My poor baby.” Lou nuzzled Neil’s cheek. “I’ll never do it again.”

“Uh-uh!” Neil playfully pushed Lou’s shoulder. “You’d better do it every night for the rest of forever, thank you. I’ve come to expect a certain standard in our fucking, and you’d best uphold it.”

Lou’s bright eyes twinkled. “The rest of forever, huh?”

Neil’s heart fluttered, and he smiled. “Yeah. I think that’s a hell of a good start, don’t you?”

“Indeed. But first…” Lou’s smile grew wicked. “If we want to break my record, we still have six more knots to go.”

“Holy shit.”

“We can stop if you’d like…” Lou winked.

Neil took a deep breath. “My parents didn’t raise a quitter. I’m gonna need some chips, a granola bar, the leftover cake from the other night, and two big things of Gatorade. Definitely need to pee and then cuddle, but food first.”

“Anything else, baby?”

“Just you.”

“You got it.”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

K.L. “Kat” Hiers is an embalmer, restorative artist, and queer writer. Licensed in both funeral directing and funeral service, they worked in the death industry for nearly a decade. Their first love was always telling stories, and they have been writing for over twenty years, penning their very first book at just eight years old. Publishers generally do not accept manuscripts in Hello Kitty notebooks, however, but they never gave up.

Following the success of their first novel, Cold Hard Cash, they now enjoy writing professionally, focusing on spinning tales of sultry passion, exotic worlds, and emotional journeys. They love attending horror movie conventions and indulging in cosplay of their favorite characters. They live in Zebulon, NC, with their family, including their children, some of whom have paws and a few that only pretend to because they think it’s cute.

https://www.klhiers.com

Facebook

Twitter

Instagram

Patreon

ALSO BY K.L. HIERS

COLD HARD CASH

Cold Hard Cash

Hard Earned Cash

CHC: The Collection

Strapped For Cash

A Quick Buck

COLD HARD CASH ON AUDIOBOOK

Cold Hard Cash

SUCKER FOR LOVE MYSTERIES

Acsquidentally In Love

Kraken My Heart

Head Over Tentacles

Nautilus Than Perfect

Just Calamarried

Our Shellfish Desires

An Inkredible Love

Ollie’s Octrageously Official Omnibus

SUCKER FOR LOVE ON AUDIOBOOK

Acsquidentally In Love

DAYS OF MONSTERS

13 Days of Monster F#cking: Volume 1

13 Days of Monster F#cking: Volume 2

8 Days of Monstrous Pride

THE ELITE MULTI-AUTHOR SERIES

Ace of Maids

LA FAMIGLIA MOSTRO

Werewolves Hate Clogs