Thick & Thin

Copyright © 2020 by Tabatha Vargo

All Rights Reserved. Printed in the United States of America.

No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events or real people used are fictitious. Other names, characters, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Thick & Thin/ Tabatha Vargo

Cover Art by Regina Wamba/MaeiDesigns

Editing Services Provided by Editing 4 Indies

Formatting provided by Tabatha Vargo

Ebook ISBN: 978-0-9861173-7-4

For Jax-

My rainbow baby and the sweetest of the sweet.

Joshua Black.

What can I say about him?

He was my best friend until he wasn’t.

He was my childhood until I was no longer a child.

Now he’s something else entirely.

A man instead of a boy—a soldier instead of a high school quarterback.

He’s forbidden thoughts and secret desires.

Our situation has changed and so have I.

I’m no longer the love-sick tomboy he left behind. I’m a woman with needs, a secret, and an extra fifty pounds.

We promised through thick and thin, but I’m not sure how thin the lines are or how thick he’s willing to go.

Also from Tabatha Vargo!

The Chubby Girl Chronicles

On the Plus Side

Hot and Heavy

Thick & Thin

The Sons of Sinister Series

Shattered Skull

Dirty Saint

Ruthless Crow

Joker’s Wild

The Blow Hole Boys

The Blow Hole Rock Hard Box Set

Playing Patience (Zeke)

Perfecting Patience 1.5 (Zeke)

Finding Faith (Finn)

Convincing Constance (Tiny)

Having Hope (Chet)

The Black Trilogy

Little Black Beginning

Little Black Book

Little Black Break

Little Black Box Set

Standalones

Slammer

Black Sheep

Vanilla & Vice

Vengeance & Virtue

1

Jenny Michaels

It was scorching outside. The kind of heat where dumbasses would try to do stupid shit like bake cookies on the dash of their truck or cook an egg on their hood. The summer before, a guy in town put steaks out on the tailgate of his truck and let them cook all day. He had the balls to eat them, too. Used steak sauce and everything as if he had grilled them himself on a charcoal grill.

Again … stupid.

The month of May in South Carolina wasn’t usually hot and suffocating. It was the exit of spring on the verge of welcoming summer, which meant cool nights and warm days, but that changed when the rainstorms rolled through. The moisture in the air made it feel hotter and sent the humidity skyrocketing. It had been raining every other day for the past month, so the humidity was extreme.

The good news was, lots of rain also meant tons of mud, which Josh, my best friend, and I loved. His truck, which had recently been painted black, was covered in it. The dried mud was crusted around the wheel wells, chipping off and into the wind as we drove the backcountry roads.

The day before, we spent hours getting bogged down and pulled out. We had on boots and jeans, and my ponytail stuck out the back of a trucker hat I had stolen from behind Josh’s truck seat. There was laughter and mud fights—tires rolling through the brown sludge surrounding us until we caught a dry spot that was thick enough and climbed our way out.

Afterward, when I got home from playing in the mud, you couldn’t even see what I was wearing. My jeans were caked in mud, my shirt covered, and my bra full. It had taken me nearly thirty minutes to get the mud out of my hair later in the shower.

Good times.

We pulled up next to a group of familiar cars, and Josh put his truck in park. Vaughn, a friend from school, popped his head into the driver’s side window and pushed playfully at the side of Josh’s head.

“What’s up, fuckface? ’Bout time y’all got here. What took so long?” he asked.

Vaughn was a beast on and off the football field. His height alone was scary, but he was also wider than your average high schooler. He lived in the gym, but I had once heard his size had more to do with steroids than with the weights.

“You asked for beer. We brought beer. Help me get the shit out the back.”

Josh popped the door open, the hinges screaming out with age, and climbed down. Vaughn stuck half of his massive body inside the truck with me.

“You got the good shit?” he asked.

“We aren’t in the middle of a drug deal, Vaughn. It’s just beer.”

Reaching between my legs, I grabbed the twelve-pack of beer and held it up.

“Good girl. That’s a good girl.” He spoke to me as though he was talking to a dog.

I set the beer down on the floorboard and pretended something had my hand.

“Something’s got me!” I called out, acting as though my hand was being pulled beneath the truck seat.

Vaughn’s eyes went wide. “Oh, shit. What is it?” he asked, ready to climb into the truck and help me.

I pulled my hand up with my middle finger in the air. “It’s this.”

He sighed and leaned back, shaking his head. “Smartass.”

And then he was gone, leaving me alone in the front seat while he helped Josh at the tailgate. My eyes traveled over the road we had just pulled off. Foggy waves of steam rose from the asphalt like a mirage in a movie. A short shower had passed when we were on the way to the river, leaving the streets sizzling and the humidity unbearable.

My skin felt wet, and my ponytail had become a frizzy mess. Quickly, I slid the tie from my hair and smoothed it down before pulling it back up. I tugged at my T-shirt, hoping to let some cool air under it, but no matter what, I couldn’t cool off. I had on a bathing suit, but I had never been comfortable showing my body. So, T-shirts and shorts it was.

I climbed from the passenger side of Josh’s lifted Ford and slid on my flip-flops. I rarely wore shoes in Josh’s truck, instead opting to rest my bare feet on the dash while we rode through town with the windows down. He didn’t mind. At least, he never said he did. I think he secretly liked how comfortable I was in his truck. I was the only person in the world he would let drive it on occasion. I had dibs on Josh, and his passenger seat was my spot. Everyone knew it.

The space where everyone was parked wasn’t technically a parking lot, but the top of the hill over St. John’s River was right off the road. People had parked there for years, and after years of teenagers doing the very same thing we were here to do today, an easy walking path to the water had been cleared.

Senior skip day.

It was a rite of passage. At least that’s what Josh said to talk me into going along. To me, it was just like any other day I decided to skip and hang out on the river, but I guessed since the entire senior class was coming along, it was a party.

Usually I was there with a fishing pole and some worms, but this was an entirely different event. Everyone brought floats, some people linking their floats together with rope, and coolers full of cold drinks sat on floats and were tied together for everyone. We would float the river with our feet dangling in the water and the sun on our legs.

“You want me to carry that?” Josh asked, nodding toward the twelve-pack of Budweiser I pulled from the floorboard.

I rolled my eyes, hating when he treated me like I was weak, and let my shades fall over my eyes in answer. He chuckled and shook his head, knowing I would never accept his help. Even if the beer had been heavy, I never would have admitted it.

“Guess that’s a no,” he muttered.

Technically, I couldn’t buy alcohol, none of us could, but Glen, the old man who ran the country corner store in town, was too old to care. Not to mention, even if he did attempt to ID us, everyone in town knew the man couldn’t see for shit.

The tailgate on Josh’s truck squeaked with age when he pulled it down, and the truck bed lowered when he leaped inside to push the small Styrofoam cooler to the edge and grab our towels and floats. Vaughn took the cooler and towels, leaving Josh to carry our two floats. Once we collected our stuff, he locked his truck, and we started toward the path behind the large group of seniors ready to get trashed and celebrate the end of high school.

The Carolina sun blazed, burning our backs as we maneuvered our way down the steep hill to the water. The weight of the twelve-pack of Bud, my contribution to our end of the year shindig, tugged my arm down at my side and knocked against my hip with every step I took. I wouldn’t drink the nasty shit, but the guys liked it. While everyone else got trashed, I was usually the designated driver for Josh. I didn’t mind it. I wasn’t much for drinking, but I did like to make sure my best friend made it home safely.

I pushed my aviator shades back against the bridge of my nose when they began to slip and then looked back to make sure Josh was close behind me. He was walking alongside Brandy, one of the less annoying females in the senior class and the prom queen to Josh’s crown. They had never dated, but it seemed everyone, including the staff at school, liked to link them together.

She wasn’t too bad, I supposed, and the guys liked to look at her. Her highlighted hair was in a messy bun. She was wearing a two-piece, the straps of her top wrapped around her neck, and her flat sun-kissed stomach was on show. Her jean shorts covered her bottoms except for the strings that stuck out at the sides.

She laughed at whatever he was saying, her perfect white teeth blinding me, while she pushed his arm playfully. It was obvious she had a thing for him, but then again, most girls had a thing for him.

Joshua Black.

What could I say about him?

The ladies loved him. The guys wanted to be him, which was the most cliché thing ever, but it was true. Hell, the entire town fawned over him. He was my best friend, and I knew him better than he knew himself, yet Josh was much more than my friend.

He was my first time riding a bike and making mud pies in my backyard. He was summer days fishing and mudding with four-wheelers behind my house and lying in the grass watching the lightning bugs blink in the darkness around us. He was the reason I knew how to ride a horse and spent days playing in the hay on his daddy’s farm. He was video games and candy. He was everything—my childhood and my life for as long as I could remember.

Even though it was exciting to be graduating from high school and growing up, I was terrified of what that meant for Josh and me. Who were we if we weren’t getting into trouble and bogging in the mud? If we weren’t teasing Vaughn about his size or getting crazy at the pep rally?

I didn’t know who I was without Josh, and I didn’t know who he was without me. It was scary, and nothing scared me.

I looked back once more, taking him in from the top of his ball cap, which was turned backward, to his strong feet, covered in a pair of Adidas slides. I couldn’t help myself when I grinned. Josh was beautiful, though I would never tell him that. His head would likely explode if I did. While he was my best friend in the entire world, that hadn’t stopped me from noticing how fine his contribution to the female eye was.

He had taken off his shirt and slung it over his shoulder. He too was wearing aviator shades so I couldn’t see his eyes, but it didn’t matter anyway since he was facing Brandy as she talked animatedly at his side. The bill of his hat was curved in with a thick fisherman’s hook stuck on the side, and while everyone else was already wearing their swim trunks, his were peeking over the waist of his ripped jeans.

His hair was wild and sticking out from beneath his hat from having the windows down on the backcountry roads, and his skin was tan even though we hadn’t reached summer yet. His skin was always a brown tone, no matter the season, but that probably had something to with the fact that he worked on the farm in the sun every day. We didn’t really get winters in South Carolina, which meant sometimes it could get hot enough in December for him to have to take his shirt off while he was working, and it showed.

My eyes slid over his wide shoulders, thickened from weight training during his final season of high school football, before dipping over his chest and washboard abs. Dark hair trailed beneath his navel, dipping into his jeans and the blue and white trunks beneath them. His clothes hung loosely from his hips, showing just enough of the cut outs on his sides. I exhaled, wishing I could rid my mind of the thoughts that filled my head lately.

Thoughts like Josh’s lips on mine.

His hands on my body.

It felt unnatural to think these things about my best friend, yet my body agreed so perfectly with the sins of my mind.

Josh has changed over the years, going from a skinny boy with a bird chest and a gapped smile to a teenager on the brink of manhood. He grew tall, his chest wide and hard. His hair, which has always been unruly, grew darker and his eyes more intense. His voice was deep, rumbling like a dark cloud across my skin every time he spoke to me. It was unbearable, and I found myself thinking about skipping out on our usual activities.

It was a slow change; one I didn’t see coming. I had seen him almost every day for the past twelve years. We had grown up together—meeting in elementary school, the years when we refined our mud pie-making skills, before tackling middle school, the time in our lives when after school meant lounging in his room and playing video games until my daddy called me home. Once we entered high school, our best friend status was known county-wide, and together, we dominated West Ridge High School.

Well, it was more like he dominated, being the hot quarterback and all. I was in by association since I was the best friend. He could have become the golden boy and left me in the dust, but he didn’t. Instead, he pulled me along to every game. Every party. Every event. No matter how much I hated being social.

We were opposites in so many ways but alike at the same time. While he was being the playboy, I was his wing woman, which meant girls only befriended me to be close to Josh. The guys treated me like one of the team, even slapping my ass after a winning game as though I had been on the field with them. It didn’t bother me. Even if I was feminine and the guys saw me as a girl, they still wouldn’t dare come near me. Though none of them would admit it, every one of them was afraid to get on the bad side of my big brother, Devin, who was known around town as lethal.

That had been our life for the past twelve years … school, life, and fun, but always together unless I was working at the garage with Daddy and Devin. On those days, Josh worked the horses on his parents’ farm, which was less than five miles away from my house.

Josh and I had a rhythm, and we were comfortable in that beat until our vibe changed sophomore year. At least, it changed for me. Josh got his first real girlfriend that year, a chick named Amanda who had more boobs than brains. The jealousy and anger of losing my best friend’s attention pushed me into doing something I would have never done before.

I went on my first date with Justin.

Little did I know, my date with Justin was to a house party full of people old enough to drink. Justin was a heavy drinker and passed out on the stairs, leaving me to fend for myself in a house full of drunken men. I ended up in the hospital and almost got my now sister-in-law, Lilly, killed when two guys decided they wanted to try to take from me.

Even now, two years later, I could taste their forced kisses and feel their touches on my skin. It was a night I refused to talk about—a night I pushed to the back of my brain and locked away—a night that changed me forever.

Jealous and angry or not, dating wasn’t something I was ever going to bother with again. It wasn’t until our senior year and Josh’s fifth girlfriend that I realized my jealousy stemmed less from sharing my best friend’s attention and more from me wanting the part of Josh his girlfriends were getting.

I stopped paying attention to his highest scores on our favorite games and started noticing other things like the way his ab muscles flexed when he threw the ball or the way his football pants hugged his perfect ass. How he calmed a horse with soothing strokes and how sexy he looked when he rinsed off with the water hose by the barn and shook his dark hair dry.

These were all things I never mentioned to anyone. It was hard enough to admit those things to myself. And when those nasty little thoughts of Josh’s smile or laugh, of his body or the way he looked when he was hot and sweaty, began to creep into my mind, I would push them away and try to replace them with disgusting things only I knew about him. Like how he once ate a beetle on a dare or peed the bed until he was seven. Our junior year, he puked out the window of Marshal Wade’s truck after drinking too much at a party and sprayed the car behind us with chunks of pizza.

Thinking these things worked.

Kind of.

My flip-flop caught on a rock, and I stumbled, but before I could fall, Jimmy Jones, aka JJ, caught my arm. He grinned down at me, his eyes moving across my T-shirt covered boobs, and I jerked my arm away.

“Whoa, Scrappy. I was just making sure you didn’t trip and drop the beer.”

I had earned the name Scrappy our freshman year when I had climbed over the lunch table to punch Jody Samuels for calling my dad an alcoholic. Sure, he was a drunk, but only Devin and I could call him that.

“Nice.” I chuckled. “Worried more about the beer than me falling on my face.”

He laughed. “Basically.” He reached down and took the twelve-pack of Budweiser from my grip before trotting the rest of the way down the hill to the landing.

“Eat a dick, JJ!” I called after him.

“I would if you left some for the rest of us.”

I shook my head, laughing at his words.

The truth was my mouth had never been near a dick, and everyone knew it. With all the testosterone around me, I wasn’t sure my sleeping with anyone would fly. My brother would have a heart attack and kill someone, and Josh … well, I wasn’t sure what Josh would do. We never talked about our sex lives much. I knew he had been with girls, but while we talked about everything, that subject was still weird for us.

I paused just before reaching the landing and took in the sight before me. Almost the entire senior class was there. People I had known most of my life, since we lived in a small town, and we were almost finished with high school. Some of us would leave for college. Some wouldn’t. And others, like Josh, would leave us all behind and go into the military.

I couldn’t think about that right then, though. If I did, my day would be ruined, and I would spend the day floating down the river bitchy and sad.

“What did JJ say to you?” Josh asked, stopping beside me.

Now that I had two empty hands, I took my float from him.

“Nothing. I almost tripped, and he wanted to make sure I didn’t drop the beer.”

Josh snorted. “Yeah. I bet that’s all he wanted. Asshole.”

I pulled my shades from my eyes and pushed them into my hair. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

He shook his head. “Nothing. You want your float linked with mine or what?”

“Yeah, the usual.”

Once we reached the small beach area, we threaded a slim red piece of rope between our two float handles and attached the Styrofoam cooler so we could grab drinks when we wanted them. I stood to the side and watched as he pulled his jeans down and tossed them next to everyone else’s stuff. After floating all day, we would eventually end up at the same beach, so it worked.

He pulled his hat from his head, pushed his hair back, and adjusted the hat back on his head. The actions drew my eyes to the muscles of his arms and chest, sending a wave of heat over me that had nothing to do with the sun and everything to do with my hormones.

We walked out in the river, the cold water shocking me and making me shiver, until we were knee-deep. Then we climbed onto our floats, Josh holding mine until I was settled in, and drifted off along with the rest of the group.

I leaned back and relaxed, letting the cool water rush up through the center of my float and rinse away the sweat from my back. It probably would have been better to take my shirt and shorts off, but again, showing my body made me super uncomfortable.

Josh floated with his shorts and shades on, his hands dragging along the sides of his float, making the water ripple at his fingertips. His long tan legs were submerged from the calf down, and every now and again, I would get a peek at his upper thigh when his shorts shifted.

I did the same, my fingers and feet skimming the surface of the water, except instead of facing the sky with my eyes closed as I was sure he was, I took in the scenery. The way the large oak trees seemed to drip into the water from the banks as we passed. The large rocks we navigated, one with a turtle sitting on top.

Around us, our classmates splashed and laughed. A few guys swung from a tree rope and into the deep parts at one of the banks. Still, Josh and I stayed put, gliding along the brown river water without words, knowing that somehow things were about to change.

Not just the end of high school or the fact that he was leaving for the military and I was leaving for college. Something else slid along the glassy water with us. An unspoken thing that made me feel tense and awkward, which I had never felt before with Josh.

“I can’t believe this is almost over,” he said, his fingers dragging into the water.

I couldn’t believe it either. It felt sad and depressing. Even after years of waiting to be done with school, all I could think about was how badly I wanted things to stay the same.

“I know.”

“Think we’ll be okay?”

He turned his head my way, but his eyes were hidden behind his shades. Still, I could see the sadness in his brow.

I nodded, swallowing hard since I knew I was about to lie. “Yeah. I think we’ll be fine.”

“I hope you’re right.”

I hoped I was right, too, but I knew I wasn’t.

Once we walked across that stage and went our separate ways, we would be altered. Living lives the other wasn’t familiar with it and meeting new people the other didn’t know.

We would be strangers.

We floated for an hour, the clouds above us covering the sun and then revealing it while it moved across the sky. When we finally reached the first bank break, I was glad to get up and stretch my legs. Stopping, we worked together to pull our linked floats up and onto the sand.

The first bank break was a small patch of land located right below Jones Bridge, an old bridge that was almost in the center of town. It was higher than most of the bridges that went over the river, which meant it was one of the few no one could fish off. Still, that didn’t stop people from climbing up to the bridge for the thrill of jumping off.

I sat in the sand, the clumps clinging to my wet shorts, and watched as a few of the guys in our group climbed the rock-covered hill to the bridge. Jumping from the side of the bridge was supposed to show how brave you were, but really, it showed a bit of stupidity. Not that I wouldn’t do it. Everyone thought it was dangerous, but it didn’t look all that bad to me, and I happened to know the part of the river below the bridge was deep. It used to be my daddy’s favorite fishing spot on his little John boat.

I didn’t realize someone was standing close to me until they shifted and blocked the sun. Looking up, I sighed when I saw JJ grinning down at me. He held out a Mason jar full of a clear liquid.

“Here. Drink some of this.”

Taking the jar from his hand, I shook it a little and watched the liquid slosh around. “What is it?”

He chuckled. “Just drink it. It’ll put some hair on your chest.”

I tilted my head to the side and peered up at him. “Do I look like I need hair on my chest?”

At my words, he laughed and shook his head, sending droplets of river water sprinkling over my legs. “I don’t know. Lift your shirt and let me see.”

I was about to stand and dump the liquid over his head when Josh stepped up and slugged JJ in the arm.

“Hey. Chill out, man. Stop trying to see Jenny’s tits.”

The group closest to us snickered when JJ said, “Jenny ain’t got no tits.”

Fire sizzled at the end of my spine, sending a wave of anger up to my brain.

Asshole.

“How do you know what the hell I got?” I asked, ready to stand and punch him in his conniving smirk.

“We’re done talking about this.” Josh pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Well, are you going to drink it or not?” JJ asked again.

I lifted the Mason jar to my nose and sniffed. The smell singed my nose hairs and made me flinch.

Moonshine.

With my eyes locked on JJ’s, I lifted the jar and took a large gulp. Fire rolled over my tongue before streaking down the back of my throat when I swallowed.

“Whew,” I said, trying to remain in control of the burn.

JJ’s grin grew. “Damn, girl!”

“What can I say? I guess my balls are just bigger than yours.”

I knew I was adding fuel to the fire. JJ had already been drinking quite a bit, and his eyes were red and watery.

“You think so, huh?”

I nodded, handing him the jar. “Yep.”

“Prove it.”

“She doesn’t have to prove anything. Shut the fuck up, J. Leave her alone.”

Josh’s words didn’t penetrate JJ’s glare. He stared me down, daring me, and I never walked away from a dare.

JJ stepped closer, blocking my view of the water, his body cut perfectly yet still smaller than Josh. My eyes dipped over his chest, and he shook his hair out and grinned at me when he caught me staring. “Come on, Jenny. Put your money where your mouth is. A hundred bucks says you won’t jump with us.” He nodded to the bridge over us.

“You’re full of shit,” I said, piling more sand over my toes.

“I’m serious. You jump, and I give you a hundred dollars.”

“You’re stupid.”

“No, I’m just sure you won’t do it. You’re not as tough as you let on.”

I chuckled and shook my head. These fuckers really had no idea who they were messing with. Guess I was about to be as stupid as the rest of them and jump from the bridge like a moron.

I stood, swiping the sand off the back of my men’s swim trunks. I walked up to him, his six-feet-one height towering over my five-feet-two self. Reaching out, I snatched his hand, the sand from my palms sticking to his, and shook it. “Deal. I’ll take twenties.”

I turned to follow a small group of guys headed for the rock-covered hill, but before I got too far, Josh reached out and grabbed my arm, stopping me.

“You’re not seriously going to jump, are you?” His brows were pulled low.

He was worried.

Josh worried about me a lot.

It was what friends did.

“Um … yes.”

“Fuck him. You know you don’t have to do this, right?” His long, slender fingers wrapped around my wrist, holding me back.

“I know. I want to.”

“Don’t be stupid, Jenny. It’s dangerous.”

I pulled my arm free and grinned. “It’s like you don’t even know me.”

“Yeah, Jenny. Listen to him. It’s too dangerous,” JJ said as he passed me on his way to the hill.

“She won’t do it!” someone called out.

I grinned, knowing I was about to be a hundred dollars richer.

“Hide and watch, bitches,” I said, pulling my arm from Josh’s grip and following the group of guys.

Maybe it was the moonshine talking, but my balls were bigger than JJ’s, and I was going to prove it.

2

Joshua Black

Jenny Michaels was going to be the death of me. Either she was going to give me a premature heart attack at nineteen from all the crazy shit she pulled, or I was going to get beat to death when I finally met my match and tried to fight some fucker who wouldn’t keep his eyes and hands away from her.

The worst part was, she was clueless. She was blind to the way guys reacted to her. They openly flirted, and she laughed it off as if they were joking.

They weren’t.

The fuckers were never joking.

Why would they be?

She was the full package. A guy’s wet dream. Hot beyond measure with her flowing dark hair and piercing green eyes with a body I knew was gorgeous hidden behind the comfortable clothes she wore. Baggy or not, I had been around her enough to get peeks of skin every now and again, and I knew what was hiding under those large T-shirts.

What guy wouldn’t want a woman who could wear his clothes better than him, eat wings without fear of barbecue on her face, and watch football like she was coaching the team? There was nothing cuter than Jenny screaming at the TV and knowing the plays before they even got a chance to play it.

She was damn near perfect, yet she was untouchable to me. Years of being her best friend made it so. I wasn’t even sure how it was possible to look at someone you had grown up with and see them as more than a friend, but it happened, and I fucking hated it.

She drove me crazy with her wicked tongue and amazing sense of humor. She wasn’t afraid to be herself, no matter who was involved. She wore what she wanted to wear, said what she wanted to say, and did what she wanted to do, which was exhausting since I was usually the one cleaning up whatever mess she left behind.

Along with those things, she never listened. These were the things I loved and hated the most about her. She was one of a kind, and I was lucky enough to watch her bloom into the amazing creature she had become.

Beautiful.

Smart.

And so headstrong I wanted to strangle her some days.

It was the most irritating shit ever, yet it filled me with pride.

“Seriously, Jenny!” I called out after her.

She didn’t turn back, instead stomping her way up the side of the hill as if she was queen of the fucking bridge above them.

“She’ll be alright, man. We’ve all done it,” Tony said, tapping me on the arm.

He was right, but that didn’t matter.

“It’s different,” I snapped.

He chuckled, took a swig from his beer, and stepped away.

I didn’t care that I was being a dick. I didn’t like people telling me what I should and shouldn’t worry about when it came to Jenny. It was a game to them and all in fun. But for me, it was the girl I cared about more than I would ever admit putting herself in danger.

I prayed she would chicken out as she reached the top and realized how high it was, but I knew it wouldn’t happen.

Rocks rolled down beneath her flip-flops, and she pulled them from her feet and threw them down toward the sand below. She had no problem keeping up with the guys, even with her dainty feet bare to the rough rocks.

Her long men’s swim shorts reached her knees, and her T-shirt, which was wet on the back from floating, clung to her ass and her shoulders. Her long ponytail was wet at the end, weighing it down and keeping it from bouncing.

She was strong, but she couldn’t do everything.

When was she going to realize she wasn’t one of the guys?

Sure, she could play alongside us, but the fact was she was still a girl.

Smooth skin.

Delicate beneath her tough exterior.

And so fucking tempting it made me feel sick.

She would kill me if I ever said it out loud, but Jenny was all woman, even if she wanted to play with the big boys.

I held my breath as she climbed the steep rock-covered hill up to the road. They paused on the side of the asphalt as a group of cars flew past them before continuing to the bridge that went over the river. Once they were standing on the edge, JJ reached out and put his hand on her back. I held my breath and swore if he pushed her, I would kill him, then I got angry all over again when I realized he was smiling and rubbing her back soothingly.

I didn’t like his hands on her.

As a matter of fact, I fucking hated it.

So, when she reached out and pushed his arm away, relief filled my chest.

It was around freshmen year when I started noticing things about Jenny. Her boobs were the first thing. At first, it was weird. There were no more chest bumps or titty twisters. We stopped making jokes about the girls at school and their boobs. Although, once Jenny grew them, I stopped noticing the breasts of the girls at school altogether, yet I had a hard time keeping my eyes away from her chest. My focus went to shit. Whether I was playing a football game on the field or we were together kicking some ass on my PlayStation, I would catch myself checking her out.

It was also around that time I began to warn the guys to stay away. I had too much going on around me with school and the farm and football to worry about them sniffing around her like a bunch of dogs. The last thing I wanted to worry about were my friends chasing after my best friend, and that was what she was.

My best friend.

Even with my brain packed with memories of our lives over the years, I could no longer deny that my feelings for Jenny had grown into something different.

Something wild.

Something so fierce it scared me.

Jenny was different from the rest. She wasn’t the princess type who wore makeup and fussed over her hair. Half the time, she wore men’s shirts. Her style consisted of cutoffs and T-shirts, but in the South, that was a yearlong wardrobe. Most of the time, those clothes had dirt on them or grease from the garage, but something about a girl who wasn’t afraid to get her hands dirty was attractive.

She could handle the guys and knew how to put us in our place. She was adventurous and brave. She was funny with a filthy mouth. She could change a tire with her eyes closed, thanks to her dad and Devin, who were motorheads. And on occasion, when she would drink, she had no problem whatsoever drinking every one of us under the table.

When the other girls were too afraid to jump from the rope swing at St. John’s River, Jenny was the first to jump on. With her eyes closed and her ponytail swishing in the wind, she would smile until the rope was high enough to let go and fly.

The other girls would stand on the shore too worried about how they looked in their bikinis and re-applying lip gloss as though they were at the club instead of a dirty river. Not my Jenny. She went to the river to have fun, splashing around with the guys in a sleeveless T-shirt and a pair of sweat shorts that left a ton to the imagination.

Finally, her and the guys reached the edge of the bridge. The fall had never seemed so far away. I had jumped off the side a few times, and I wouldn’t lie, it was a long way down. Jenny waved down at me, wearing a huge smile on her face.

My heart paused for a beat as JJ and our buddy Robbie jumped first. I prayed she wouldn’t do it, but I knew better. Jenny wasn’t one to back down. I swallowed hard, trying to control my nerves as she stepped closer to the edge, her toes dangling over the side.

Then she jumped.

She was falling feet first into the river, her long body looking like an arrow shot into the darkness of the water. Her arms were at her sides, her eyes closed, and her face toward the sky. Her ponytail flew above her, swishing in the wind from the fall.

She hit the river in a great explosion of water, and I sucked in a breath that I held until she broke the surface. It wasn’t until the crowd around me exploded in joy that I realized how silent the moment had been for me. They cheered her on as if she hadn’t put herself in danger, but not me. I was beyond pissed.

Instead of cheering, I ran to the water, swimming out to her without thinking about what it made me look like. Once I made it to her, I reached out for her arm, angry and ready to get her back to my truck so I could take her home, but she tugged her arm away from me, laughing with everyone else.

I swam behind her, ready to implode once we were safely on land, but when we made it to the shore and she came out of the water, she was missing her shorts. Every thought I had about exploding on her for putting herself in danger was swept from my brain as my neurons misfired.

A long time ago, I once saw Jenny in her undies. At the time, she was flat-chested, sporting a training bra and a pair of panties with cartoon characters on them.

Not anymore.

There were no more training bras and cartoon characters. There was only silky wet flesh that shined in the blazing sun and perfect curves I wanted to glide my palms over. Her shirt was plastered to her breasts, a bikini top I hadn’t known she was wearing beneath her shirt showing through, and to her stomach, which was flat, enhancing her tiny waist.

The shirt didn’t seem as long without her shorts, and her thick thighs and long legs glowed in the Carolina sunshine. She had pulled her hair out of the ponytail to squeeze the water from it, and when she let it go, it fell down her back in long chocolate waves, knocking my breath from me for a totally different reason this time.

Jenny Michaels was gorgeous, and every guy there saw their first hint of the beauty she was hiding beneath her baggy clothes. I silently thanked the good Lord it was the end of the school year. Otherwise, I knew my job of guarding Jenny was going to get a hell of a lot harder.

The guys whistled, and her cheeks grew pink before she walked up to JJ and punched him in the arm.

“Shut the fuck up. You act like you’ve never seen a girl in a bathing suit before.”

She rushed to our towels, wrapping one around her waist to cover her bikini bottom.

“Did that just happen?” JJ asked at my side when I reached where he was standing.

“What?”

“Jenny’s fucking hot, dude.”

I crossed my arms and turned to face him. I didn’t need to speak. My expression said everything he needed to know.

Stay the fuck away from my Jenny.

He held his hands up and backed away with a grin. “I’m just sayin’, man. We all see it.”

And then he turned away and went back to his Mason jar.

I retrieved Jenny’s shorts and looked away when she pulled them back over her bottoms. It wasn’t much longer before we were back on our floats, everyone else seeming to forget the moment Jenny stepped from the water like a goddamn river goddess.

The sun slid across the sky with the hours until we found ourselves pulling our floats back up to the beach where we started and collecting our things. Jenny helped me flatten the floats and pack our things, and once we trekked back up the path to my truck, she helped me load everything.

By the time we climbed onto the bench seat of my truck, we were mostly dry. She climbed into the passenger’s seat of my old Ford, and I let her since I hadn’t had but a few beers earlier in the day, and I knew I could drive.

Tim McGraw played on the radio as we rode home with the windows down. I sang along, taking in our little town as I passed old shops and familiar sights. Every now and again, I would peek over at Jenny, taking in her relaxed face and the happiness on her plump lips as she too watched our world as we passed by.

We were halfway to her place when she finally gave in and let sleep take her. I took that time to look at her without judgment when I stopped at the few red lights we came to. Soon, I would be leaving her and going to basic. She was the one thing holding me back. Every time I thought of my day without Jenny and her smartass remarks and glorious smile, I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

Still, I knew I had to go. The only future for me in Walterboro was the farm, and I was sick to death of farm life. I wanted more. I wanted to be more. So, I would leave, knowing it was the best thing for me. No matter how badly I knew it was going to hurt to walk away from Jenny.

The sun was dipping into the horizon when I pulled into her yard. I hit a pothole in her dirt driveway that shifted her, but she didn’t wake. When I stopped in front of her small house, I put my truck in park and reached out to wake her.

“Hey, wake up,” I said, pushing at her shoulder.

Her eyes popped open, and she yawned. “Damn. The sun took it out of me today.”

“Me too. We still going to play pool with the guys tonight?”

She nodded, covering a second yawn with her small hand. “Yeah, I’m down. Let me go shower and take a quick nap. What time are you picking me up?”

“I guess around eight thirty?”

“Sounds good. See you then.”

She popped the door open, slid her feet into her flip-flops, and then climbed down. When she shut the door, she stuck her head in the window and smiled.

“Think I can hustle another hundred out of JJ tonight?”

I chuckled, putting my truck in gear. “Probably.”

And she would.

He was stupid enough, and she was good enough at everything she tried.

I pulled away from her place, feeling a heavy weight on my chest. Soon this would be over, and we wouldn’t be carefree teenagers anymore. We would be so much more, yet we would be less.

3

Jenny

After a long day floating on the river, I went inside, dumped my bag of stuff in the laundry room, and made a beeline to the bathroom for a shower. I washed the river from my hair twice and scrubbed my suntanned body with my green loofah. Once I felt clean, I stood under the cool spray until my sun touched skin began to cool.

When I came out of the bathroom and went into the kitchen, my dad was leaning against the counter drinking a beer. His work shirt was covered in oil, and he still had his red oil rag hanging out of his back pocket. The familiar smell of beer and motor oil drifted around me. It was strangely comforting.

“Have fun?” he asked, tilting his beer up for another swig.

I nodded, pulling the refrigerator open and grabbing a canned soda. “Yeah.”

I tapped the top a bit before popping it open. The sound filled our small kitchen.

“Your brother and Lilly came by earlier for dinner. Emma’s getting so big.”

“We see them at least three times a week. She couldn’t have grown that much in the past two days. Quit trying to make me feel guilty for skipping dinner.”

He chuckled. “Smartass.”

“Like father, like daughter.” I leaned up against the counter beside him, sipping my soda while he sipped his beer. “I’m sorry I missed them.”

“There’s leftovers in the microwave if you’re hungry. Lilly said to tell you to call her tomorrow. She figured you’d be out with Josh tonight.”

The soda burned my throat when I swallowed it. “Yeah. He’s coming by later to pick me up, and we’re going up to Player’s Place.”

“If he drinks, you drive.”

“I know, Dad.” I set my drink on the counter beside me and leaned over to give him a kiss on his rough cheek. “I’m going to take a quick nap.”

His burly beard tickled my lips, and when I pulled away, he was smiling down at me.

“I can’t believe my baby’s going off to college.”

“It’s going to okay, Daddy. I’ll come back to visit all the time.”

He reached up and tugged on my ponytail. “You better.”

“It’ll work out. I’ll be back as much as I can.”

He nodded. “I know. Go get a nap. I’m going to head back out to the garage and tinker with that old Dodge.”

He was hurrying me along because he was getting emotional, and if I knew one thing about my dad and my big brother, it was that they didn’t do emotional unless it came to the women in their lives. Me. Lilly. And my perfect niece.

I hugged him against my side before turning away and going to my room.

The sun had zapped all my energy. My legs felt weak as if I had run a marathon even though I had literally spent the day relaxing on the float. I climbed onto my bed, set the alarm on my phone, and snuggled into my blanket. I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow, and it wasn’t long until the alarm on my phone was going off. I reached from beneath my blanket and silenced my phone before I dragged myself from the warmth of my bed.

Maybe I would skip the night out.

Maybe I could convince Josh to go without me.

The minute the idea ran through my head, I tossed it out. We didn’t have many more nights out before we would all scatter our own ways. I didn’t want to miss anything.

I climbed from my bed and slid on a pair of jeans and a shirt. When I came out of the bathroom after brushing my teeth and hair, I could hear the echo of Devin’s deep voice in the kitchen with Dad. When I came around the corner and entered the room, I saw him and Dad leaning against the counter, arms crossed and deep in conversation.

“Hey, Assface, sorry I missed you guys earlier,” I said, going in for a hug.

I missed Devin, but I was happy for him. I went from seeing him every day when he lived at home to seeing him a few times a week. He was a family man now, married to the perfect woman and raising a daughter who was so much like me when I was little, I almost felt sorry for him. Emma bear was my world, and she knew it, which meant she got whatever she wanted from me.

He sighed at my wording and hugged me back. “Language, Jenny,” he muttered.

Daddy chuckled. “You might as well give that up, Devin. That ship sailed a long time ago.”

“Yeah, but she’s got Emma saying shit now.”

“Whoops.”

He shook his head. “Yeah. Whoops.” He moved across the room, his heavy boots thumping against the old linoleum flooring. “Where’re you off to?” he asked, opening the refrigerator and grabbing one of Dad’s beers.

“Player’s Place with Josh and the guys.”

“You skip and float today?”

I nodded. “Yep. I’m worn out too, but soon I’ll be in Texas with that full ride, so I better enjoy it while I can.”

Devin and Dad both smiled.

The day I had received my acceptance letter to Texas A&M, my dad cried. One because I would be halfway across the country from him, but also because he was proud of me. If I never accomplished another thing in my life, earning his pride at that moment would see me through.

Devin settled his heavy hand on my shoulder, and my eyes trailed up his sleeve of tattoos noticing a few new ones he had gotten for Lilly and Emma.

“We’re so fucking proud of you, Jen.”

I nodded again, feeling tears press against the back of my lids. Then I shrugged his hand from my shoulder.

“Don’t go getting soft on me, Dev. I swear, Lilly’s ruined you.”

At that, he chuckled, and Dad laughed.

I was raised by two alphas, and growing up, I often wondered how different I would be if my mom had stuck around, but these days, I no longer thought shit like that. I was proud to have been raised by two strong males. It made me stronger.

“A woman will do that to you,” Dad said, shaking his head.

Our mother had a done a number on him, leaving him to raise two kids and apparently running off and starting a new family before dying of cancer. We didn’t talk about it. Ever.

“Listen, if Josh drinks, then you drive,” Devin said, repeating what Dad had said earlier.

“I will. No worries.”

“Then have fun,” he said before turning toward Dad. “Show me what you were talking about earlier. I’ll see if I can figure it out.”

Then they were out the door and in the garage, standing over the open hood of the Dodge Dad had been working on for the past few days.

I started a load of laundry while I waited for Josh, washing the sand and river water from my clothes while I was out for the night. Lilly, Devin’s wife, had given our laundry room a farmhouse makeover for Dad’s birthday. Instead of our old, rusted washer and dryer, we had a new set of front loaders I barely knew how to use, and I was surrounded with fresh walls and farmhouse quotes. Even I had to admit she had done a great job.

Our little modest house was coming together now that Dad had let up some and allowed Lilly and Devin to remodel for him. Dad was never one to take handouts, but Lilly assured him it was her job as his daughter to make sure he had a comfortable place to grow old in. He agreed, grinning at her, knowing good and well he could never say no to her. She had won him over from the start.

Once I got the washer started, I heard the loud rumble of Josh’s truck as he pulled up. By the time I stepped out onto the front porch, the screened door smacking closed behind me, I walked up to the three most important men in my life leaning against Josh’s truck. Arms crossed and laughing at something.

Dad and Devin were wearing their usual mechanics uniform, and Josh had on a pair of faded jeans and a black T-shirt. His hair was wet on the ends from his shower, and his cheeks were flushed a bit from being in the sun all day. He was so gorgeous.

“What’s so funny?”

“Nothing. Just bullshitting with your dad and Dev. You ready?” he asked, popping open the passenger’s side door as if we were on a date.

Daddy and Devin grinned at me before Devin pretended to cough behind his large hand. I rolled my eyes and moved to get into the truck.

“I’ll be home later. I love y’all.”

“Love you too. Y’all be safe.”

After I climbed into Josh’s truck, I closed the door behind me before he had a chance to. I didn’t want my dad and Devin thinking this was a date.

It wasn’t.

Josh moved around the front of the truck, saying something to my dad and brother that I couldn’t hear, before he pulled open the driver’s side door and climbed in behind the steering wheel.

“What was that about?” he asked.

“Nothing. They’re just being stupid.”

“Is it ’cause I opened the door for you? Was that weird or something?”

It was.

“No. Like I said, they were just being stupid.”

We pulled out of my driveway and started toward town. The A/C in Josh’s truck wasn’t the greatest, so we rolled the windows down and took in the night air. The radio was on low volume, so I reached down and turned it up when a song I liked came on. We sang it together, riding in comfort like our world wasn’t about to change the second we walked across that stage and got our diploma.

It wasn’t long until the lights of town blinked in front of us, and we were pulling in beside JJ’s brand-new Jeep bought with his daddy’s money.

Player’s Place was in the Heritage Square shopping center just inside the city limits. Its location had once been a Save-A-Lot that closed after being in business for years. They had turned the old store into a bar full of pool tables, cornhole, and old arcade games. It was a place for adults to come and watch the game on the big screens, drink, and get away. And a place for teenagers to feel like they were in a bar, but with wrist bands on that were supposed to keep us from drinking.

The inside smelled like stale cigarettes and beer. They had recently banned smoking inside, but the remnants of the past still lingered. The place was packed mostly with kids from school. Still, there was a small group of old men at the bar staring at the TVs mounted above the liquor case.

“Hey, yo! Over here!” JJ called out across the room, directing the attention of his group our way.

The music was loud, but he was louder.

We moved across the room, stopping to say hi to a few friends as we passed, and once we got to the table where JJ and the rest of the crew were, I sat in the seat closest to the wall. Josh didn’t sit, instead opting to lean against the wall beside me with his arms crossed as if he was my bodyguard.

“Want a beer?” Colton asked from across the table, his eyes dipping over my chest while he took a swig from his own bottle.

“No, I’m good. Where’s everyone at?”

While there was a small group there, I had expected half of the senior class.

“I guess they can’t hang. The river wiped ’em out.”

I nodded in understanding since I was tired as hell, too.

Josh and JJ were talking about something, but I couldn’t hear them since the music was up, and Colton wouldn’t stop talking to me.

He was all right, I guessed, but he gave me a bad feeling. He was attractive with blond hair and green eyes. He wasn’t as tall as the rest of the guys around me, but wider and rounder, which was why he was one hell of a defensive lineman. Still, even though he was easy on the eyes, he had never had a steady girlfriend. Instead opting to sleep with any girl who wanted to bang a football player.

Football in the South was religion. The entire town could be found around the field on game day, the Friday night lights blazing down on the guys while the crowd worshipped them. The players were treated like gods, given free rides all over town. Police looked the other way. Old ladies made excuses for their behavior. And the girls gave anything to find themselves in the sack with one of them.

Not me.

And not Josh.

He was probably the only player not to take advantage, and I appreciated that about him.

“There he is!” JJ called out when Vaughn appeared at the side of the table. “I thought you were going to let a little moonshine and a day on the river kick your ass.”

Vaughn shook his head. “Nah, man. I’m here for the party. Fuck that moonshine, though. My stomach’s been fucked up since.”

I snorted.

He wasn’t wrong. It was like drinking gasoline and then swallowing a lit match. Even my stomach had been queasy afterward, and I had only had a single gulp.

The waitress, Maggie, stopped by and set a small bucket of peanuts in the center of the table and another beer in front of Colton. The guys dug into the peanuts, shelling them and eating them before tossing the shells to the floor. The floor was always covered in peanut shells, crunching beneath your shoes with every step. It was the main reason Trent, the kicker for our team, never came to Player’s with us. He had a terrible peanut allergy. Just stepping into room would fuck him up.

Reaching into the bucket, I pulled out a salty peanut, cracked it open, and used my teeth to get the nuts from their shell. Their salty, nutty flavor filled my mouth, and I tossed the shells to my floor. Bits of salt clung to my finger, so I stuck my digit into my mouth and sucked it off. It wasn’t until I pulled my finger from between my lips with a loud pop that I realized every guy, including Josh, was staring at my lips with wide eyes.

“What?” I asked, annoyed. “I was just sucking it off.”

4

Josh

JJ laughed with beer in his mouth, making it spew from his nose.

The fucker.

He was thinking exactly what the rest of us were thinking. Jenny sucking anything off was hot.

She looked around in confusion before she realized what she’d said. Her cheeks pinkened, and I wanted to reach out and feel the heat of them against my fingertips.

She was fucking clueless. She was being seductive without even trying, and the guys at the table were probably sporting massive boners just from watching her suck the salt from her finger. I know I was. Then again, being hard around Jenny had become a problem for the past year of my life.

She was just “sucking it off,” she said, as if her words and actions were innocent.

They weren’t.

Not even fucking close.

Not to mention, the guys had been drinking. We weren’t supposed to be drinking since we were all underage, but JJ’s cousin worked the bar and had no problem whatsoever slipping us a few beers here and there.

“I’ll give you something to suck off,” Vaughn teased, making everyone at the table laugh.

Jenny’s cheeks flushed, and she rolled her eyes. “Please. Everyone’s heard you ain’t packing. You’re just a big boy with a tiny dick.”

And then she stood before Vaughn could respond and left us at the table staring at her back with gaping mouths.

“She’s such a bitch sometimes,” Vaughn mumbled around the mouth of his beer.

“You pushed her. You can’t expect her not to come back with something. Everyone here knows Jenny’s a hard-ass. You get what you give. Be happy she didn’t climb across the table and knock you out,” JJ said, making me proud of my girl.

JJ was right. Vaughn was lucky she only gave him a tongue-lashing. Jenny had been known to climb across tables and go for blood. Not to mention, if she hadn’t said anything, I sure would have.

The guys teasing Jenny had never bothered me this badly, but it seemed these days, they were getting more perverted toward her. I didn’t like it.

She went to the bar, and I watched from my corner while she asked and paid for a bottle of Pepsi. Seeing that she wasn’t drinking, I accepted a bottle of beer when Maggie, the waitress, stopped at our table again.

The room continued to fill the later it got. More people from school showed up, all sunburned from a day on the river. Brandy and her crew came, and I didn’t miss the look in Jenny’s eyes when Brandy leaned over me and whispered how hot I looked in my ear.

She hated girls flirting with me as much as I hated it when the guys flirted with her. Not that it meant anything. At least, I didn’t think it did.

Who knew?

I wasn’t about to ask.

“I don’t know how I managed it, but the top of my ass is sunburned,” JJ said, tugging the back of his jeans down to show how red the top of his ass was.

“Probably because you never pull your damn pants up, and you floated on your stomach most of the day,” Jenny muttered.

“You’re welcome.” He winked.

“It’s not a good thing, JJ. No one wants to see your white ass.”

At her words, the rest of the group at the table laughed.

“I’ll have you know, there are plenty of girls who want to see my ass. You can deny it all you want, but we both know you look at it.”

“Nope.”

The room continued to fill with high schoolers, all seniors ready to graduate. Most were ready to say their goodbyes to our four stoplight town, Jenny and myself included, but as I looked around the space, taking in the faces of the people I had grown up with, I couldn’t help but feel a sadness sweep over me.

Our childhood was officially over.

Our teenage years were ending.

We were on the brink of adulthood, and it filled me with anxiety. Not that I would ever admit that. I wondered if anyone else in the room was as nervous as I was.

JJ’s and Jenny’s teasing became a buzz in my ear as the reality of not seeing Jenny every day settled over me. I was leaving. She was leaving. And it wasn’t together.

I lifted my bottle of beer from the table and chugged it, the cold brew putting out the fire in my chest. It wasn’t like we were going to be a few hours apart.

No.

She was going to be in Texas, and me … well, I had no fucking idea where I would end up.

“Put your money where your mouth is.” I heard Jenny say, already preparing to take JJ’s money.

“Fine. A game of pool. Loser streaks naked through town.”

That caught my attention.

I had no doubt Jenny could beat JJ’s ass in a game of pool, but I wasn’t about to take any chances. Before she could agree, I spoke up. “No. Jenny’s playing me. Y’all can compete with each other later over something else.”

I stood from the table and grabbed my beer around the neck.

“You coming?” I directed my attention at Jenny.

She rolled her eyes, knowing what I was up to without me admitting it.

“Yeah.”

JJ followed us even though for the first time in a long while I hoped he wouldn’t. Maybe going out wasn’t a great idea. Maybe instead of being around everyone, we should have planned a night alone with video games and candy like the old days. But even as the thoughts flowed through my mind, I knew it was a bad idea.

Being alone with Jenny no longer felt safe. I worried my self-control was close to snapping when it came to her, and the last thing I wanted to do was push her away when we were so close to leaving each other. When we finally went our separate ways, I wanted it to be on good terms. It was the only way. Changing the shape of our relationship at such a vital time was a terrible idea. I wasn’t willing to lose her completely.

“You rack ’em,” she said, pulling her hair out of her ponytail holder.

It fell around her shoulders in long waves before she pulled it back up again, smoothing away the flyaway hairs. It was something she did when she was preparing to beat some ass. Jenny was the most competitive person I knew.

Next to JJ, of course.

We stopped at an empty table in the corner, and I collected the balls and arranged them in the rack. Once they were settled, I plucked the rack from around the balls, leaving them in a perfect triangle.

“You break,” I said, pulling a pool cue from the holder screwed to the wall.

I took another pull from my beer before setting it on the side of the pool table. Then I packed the tip of my cue with the blue cue chalk. As I twisted the chalk onto the tip, my eyes caught on Jenny as she slid her hands over the white talcum powder before she stroked her pool cue.

Fuck.

Jenny and I had played pool about a million times over our friendship, but never had dusting a pool cue been a sexual act. I closed my eyes, and a flash of Jenny’s hands stroking my cock rushed through my brain before I banished the thought.

What was coming over me?

At my side, I heard JJ hiss, and I knew he was thinking the same thing I was.

Moving to the end of the table, she bent over and placed the white cue ball where she wanted it. Then she lined up her pool cue as she readied herself to start the game. The tip of her stick struck the racked balls in a loud smack before they scattered across the table, sinking several balls.

“Stripes,” she called out, chalking the tip of her cue once again.

I swallowed, enjoying the determination on her face.

“Eleven. Side pocket,” she called her play.

She leaned over once more, priming her cue several times before she went for the target. Her attention was on the table, and every male in the near vicinity’s attention was on her ass.

I didn’t like it.

She sank her ball, standing and moving to a new position on the table.

“Thirteen. Corner pocket,” she said, chalking the tip of her pool stick.

She slid her palms over the stick, getting it nice and smooth, and my dick grew hard.

She bent over the table, her shirt rising a bit to show her side. Jenny was built. It was one of the advantages of staying as active as she did. She never went to the gym, but when she wasn’t at school, she was working in the garage or running drills with us on the field even though Coach would get pissed about it.

The truth was, she was better at football than almost half the guys on our team.

My eyes followed the curve of her side, landing on the dip of her lower back before going over the rise and fall of her plump ass. Jenny’s ass was amazing, especially when she wore tight jeans on a night out.

“Fuck,” JJ whispered at my side, lifting a pool cue like he was going to poke her in the ass. “That ass, though.”

“Do you like your teeth, JJ?” I asked.

He grinned my way and shook his head. “If you don’t claim it soon, one of us will.”

“And one of you will get your ass kicked too.”

She pushed her pool cue straight and slammed the ball she was aiming at right into the corner pocket.

She stood with a grin, moving along the side of the table until she was where she wanted to be. Again, she leaned over. This time, she was facing us, and her T-shirt dipped, giving us the perfect view of her beautiful cleavage.

The necklace I had given her for her sixteenth birthday, a sterling silver rope chain with an oval-shaped locket, was nestled between her gorgeous breasts. There was a tiny picture of the two of us covered in mud tucked inside the locket. In the picture, we have gummy worms hanging out of our mouths and our arms wrapped around each other. It was the summer before third grade, and the memory was still vibrant in my mind.

I stared down her shirt, the necklace disappearing until the only thing I could see was her cleavage.

It was perfect.

Plump.

Tan.

Kissable.

Jenny could wear sports bras all she wanted, but the fact was, the girl had an amazing rack. There was no hiding those gorgeous breasts. I swallowed hard, my eyes following the swell of her breasts before landing in the center of her cleavage and onto the locket once more, knocking me out of my horny daze and making me feel sick with myself.

“Nine. Side pocket,” she said, tapping her cue on the side close to her intended hole.

Again, she jabbed her stick, and the sound of the balls clapping together rang out before the nine ball slammed into the side pocket.

Damn, she was good.

“Fucking A, man, she’s kicking your ass!” JJ laughed, slapping me on the arm.

“Fuck you,” I muttered.

The truth was, it was hot. I loved that Jenny could beat me at things.

When we were younger, I would sometimes let her win, but that didn’t last long, and soon, she was besting me.

Races.

Video games.

You name it. She was always good at it.

She grinned up at me, before standing and moving to another side of the table. I grinned back at her, and something she saw in my expression made her smile drop. She looked away before taking the shot and missing.

I didn’t know what it was, but I didn’t dwell on it as I moved to the side of the table and started sinking balls until I scratched, accidentally sinking the cue ball when I hit it too hard.

We played, her pulling ahead until we got to a point in the game where she just needed to land the eight ball, and she would win the game. I didn’t care. The show she was giving me was worth the loss.

Again, she bent over the table.

“If I make this shot, you owe me gummies,” she said.

I swallowed again, my eyes roaming her face. “Deal.”

I had bags of gummies in my room ready for any occasion.

We played a few more rounds of pool before finding a table in the corner. More friends from school showed up, and our quiet corner soon became loud. Something was off with me. I was all about the party on any other night, but I felt anxious and annoyed. Every time I tried to talk to Jenny, she was being pulled away from me, and I knew it had nothing to do with her conversational skills and everything to do with her coming out of the river earlier without her shorts.

The guys were like a pack of horny dogs chasing after a bitch.

My bitch, to be exact.

Instead of laughing with the crowd and socializing, I sat in my corner with my chair leaning back and my feet resting on the top of the table. I lost count of how many beers I put down but fuck it. I needed something to lessen the anger simmering inside me.

“Come dance with me, Josh,” Brandy called from the center of the room where she and a group of girls had started a small dance floor.

I smiled, my face feeling stiff, and I waved her off. I wasn’t in the mood to pretend. The truth was, no other girl had done it for me in months, and I wasn’t going to bullshit myself and act like I didn’t know the reason for my sudden change.

Jenny.

I bobbed my head to the song playing and took a long pull from the fresh beer the waitress had just set on my table. My eyes roamed the room, taking in the final moments of our teenage life, when I caught Jenny in my sights.

She was in the corner, and Colton Lane was leaning toward her, his arm resting against the wall above her head. Whatever he was whispering in her ear was making her blush.

These fuckers didn’t listen. Only this afternoon, I was telling Colton to keep his eyes and hands away from Jenny. Everyone assumed it was because she was my best friend, which a good bit of it was for that reason, but no one suspected it was because I wanted to be the one whispering dirty things in her ear.

The one touching her.

The one kissing her.

The one … I stopped, my cock growing and pressing into my zipper.

Fuck.

Standing, I went over to JJ.

“Go tell Colton to come here,” I said, only realizing then that there was a slight slur in my words.

He nodded, moving away from my side to do as I asked without any questions.

From my vantage point, I watched as JJ went up to Colton and pulled him in to speak in his ear. Colton’s eyes darted my way before he nodded and said something to Jenny. She smiled, said something, and then moved away from the wall.

Colton’s eyes were hard while he made his way across the room toward me, but he knew better than to start shit.

“What’s up, man?” he asked, sliding into the chair across the table from me.

“Nothing.”

I wasn’t going to make excuses. He knew why I called him over.

Feeling the tension, JJ spoke up. “Man, I wish we had one more season of football to play. I’m going to miss kicking asses on the field.”

Colton’s eyes stayed glued to mine as he said, “Speaking of asses, when did Jenny Michaels turn into porn star material?”

He was taunting me—trying to get me to break. He would have to try harder if that was going to happen. I wasn’t about to out myself when it came to my feelings for Jenny. I was sure a few of my closest friends had a clue, but everyone else, including Jenny, were clueless, and I wanted to keep it that way.

I didn’t respond.

Instead, I locked eyes with him, raising my brow in warning when I lifted my beer to my lips.

“I mean, who knew she had all that sexy hiding under her baggy clothes?” he pushed.

No one at the table responded, somehow knowing he was playing with fire. He had been drinking and so had I. I would give him pass for the night, but if he kept it up, I couldn’t be responsible for my actions.

Lifting a brow in challenge, he took a swig from his beer before he said, “She’s so fucking rough and rowdy. I bet she fucks like a porn star, too. Guess I’ll find out later tonight when she comes over after she takes you home.”

That was all I needed to hear.

I leaped across the table and went for Colton’s throat, wrapping my fingers tightly around it. The beers on the table went crashing to the floor as I slid over it and jumped him. He rolled us, using my momentum against me, but before he could get in a hit, I pushed him off me and went for him again. Grabbing him around the neck, I landed a punch in his face before I felt someone pulling me off him.

“Fucker!” I heard Colton call out from the floor.

My breath was rushing out, my knuckles aching as I stood over him.

“Say one more fucking thing. I dare you,” I growled down at him.

He wiped at the side of his mouth where a tiny drop of blood had begun, and he stood. He was wobbly, and I wasn’t sure if it was from my fist or if he had drunk too much.

“Fuck you! When I’m done with her, I’m going to tell you all about what an amazing fuck she is!”

I broke out of JJ’s hold, moving too quickly for Colton to block me, before once again wrapping my fingers around his throat and slamming him against the cinder block wall behind him. He growled at me, his fingers digging at mine for me to release my hold.

“Josh, stop it!” Jenny voice broke through.

She clawed at my arm.

“Let him go! He can’t breathe!”

“I don’t care,” I muttered.

And at that moment, friend or not, I didn’t care. I wanted to break him.

“Joshua Black, let him go right fucking now!”

She was strong. She always had been. So, when she buried herself between our chests and pushed against me, I budged. She pushed me farther, a palm on Colton’s chest and one on mine. I looked down, her hand was small and warm, sending a ripple of ease through me.

“What the fuck is going on? Why are y’all fighting?”

My eyes went to Colton’s, daring him to say a word. He grinned, laying his hand over hers against his chest.

“Just two rowdy boys with too much testosterone and beer,” he answered.

He smirked at me again, pushing a tiny droplet of blood from the corner of his thin lips.

Colton and I had been close our freshman year, but over the years, his true colors had begun to show. He was shady and out for himself. He lied a ton, and something about him made me feel like girls wouldn’t be safe alone with him. The only reason I even dealt with him because he was on the team, and Coach had made me promise to keep it clean.

Well, football was over. I no longer had to play the nice guy when it came to Colton.

“I think you’ve had enough,” Jenny said, her brows pulled low in aggravation.

She wasn’t stupid. She knew something was up.

When I didn’t respond, she pinched her lips and put a hand on her hip.

“We’re leaving, Josh. Give me your keys.”

She was the only person in the world with balls big enough to talk to me that way, except for my dad. Although, now that I was taller than him, even he was careful with his words. Not that I would ever raise a hand to my pop. I was raised better than that.

I nodded, surprising everyone around us when I reached into my back pocket and pulled out my keys. She lifted her hand palm up, and I dropped my keys into her hand.

“What can I say?” I shrugged as though everything was no big deal. “I do what she says because she can probably kick my ass,” I joked, lightening the mood.

The small group that had formed around us laughed.

All except Colton, who glared at me when I followed Jenny past him and out the door and into the parking lot.

Once I climbed into the passenger’s side of my truck, I put on my seat belt and closed my eyes. Hopefully, I didn’t pass out before we got to my place.

5

Jenny

I wasn’t sure why Colton and Josh were fighting, but I had always known Josh wasn’t Colton’s biggest fan. He had told me before that Colton gave him a bad feeling, and I understood what he meant. Every time I was alone with Colton, he made me feel itchy. It was as if I needed more clothes on even though I wore more clothes than your average girl. I couldn’t imagine how I would feel if I were like Brandy and the rest of the girls at school who loved to leave nothing to the imagination.

Thankfully, once I broke the two of them up, Josh was easy to handle. He’d had way too much to drink. The red glaze in his eyes and the lean in his step gave him away. Which meant it was time to get him home.

Once we were in the truck and headed out of the city, he closed his eyes and got quiet. I couldn’t tell if he was passed out or not, but I didn’t bother turning on the radio just in case he was trying to sleep it off.

With the driver’s side window down just enough to let in a bit of the cool night air, I drove with my right arm resting on the steering wheel as I took in the familiar backroads to Josh’s house. Once I dropped him off, I would go home and get some sleep. It had been a long day, and I was exhausted.

I took advantage of him sleeping, looking over at Josh when I could and taking in his lax features. Soon, we would be apart—touching base over the phone and Skyping when we had time. It was going to be hell.

He shifted in his seat, his face turning my way, and the softness of his relaxed mouth called to me. I felt dirty for even thinking it, but I wanted to kiss him.

Just one kiss.

It would get me through, but then again, it could ruin things completely. I was sure it would ruin the friendship we had. And while I dreamed of a single kiss from Josh, I wasn’t willing to toss away a lifetime of friendship for it.

Stopping at the final stop sign before we got to his house, I paused longer than necessary. The roads were mostly empty, and no one was behind us. Watching him sleep, I breathed the moment in, marking my memory with his face. His smile. His eyes. Everything that made him the most beautiful human being I knew inside and out.

His dark lashes rested against his high cheekbones. His lips were parted, his hot breath rushing over his plump bottom lip with every breath he took and released. His large hand was resting atop his flat stomach, hidden behind his T-shirt. Jeans covered his long legs, rips and tears in the knees letting a peek of his hairy leg show.

I loved him so deeply in so many ways.

I loved him so hard it hurt and took my breath away.

He was everything.

I reached across the bench seat, ready to run my fingers over the facial hair he hadn’t shaved. It wasn’t very thick, but Josh wasn’t a hairy guy like a lot of the guys in our class. My fingers lingered over his lips, his hot breath tickling my fingertips, but just before I touched his skin, a loud honk sounded behind us, and I jerked my hand away.

When I looked through the rearview mirror, a set of headlights blazed into my eyes. Checking both ways, I pulled away from the stop sign and continued to Josh’s house, feeling foolish.

What if he had woken up to find me almost caressing his face?

I couldn’t allow myself a moment of weakness like that again.

Soon, I was pulling into Josh’s horseshoe driveway. Half wagon wheels separated the beginning of the drive from the two ditches on each side. The one-story farmhouse Josh grew up in wasn’t as run-down as our place. While my father was a bit of an alcoholic, spending most of his days beneath the hood of a car in the garage and more worried about an afternoon fishing after work, Mr. and Mrs. Black put everything into their farm. The grounds were clean and organized, fences never broken, the barn always painted.

The inside of the house was just as clean and organized. How Mrs. Black managed it while working alongside her husband on the farm, I would never know, but you could see the woman’s touch to their home.

Meanwhile, the only woman living in my house was me, and even I could admit I didn’t have any homemaker skills. Maybe if I had been raised by a woman?

The lights inside were out, but they always left the porch light on for Josh. Pulling up to the house, I put his truck in park and cut the engine. If his mom hadn’t made him promise he would come home, I would have just taken him to my place to crash on our couch, but promises were promises, and I wasn’t about to make him break one to his momma.

“Josh, wake up,” I said, pushing his shoulder to shake him. “We’re here.”

He didn’t wake, but he turned his head against the back of the seat as if it were a pillow and he was trying to get comfortable.

“Hey.” I smacked his arm. “Wake up, dipshit. We’re at your house.”

“Chill,” he muttered, his voice slurring.

He turned away from me, snuggling into the passenger’s side door like he was in his bed.

I sighed.

There was no way I was going to be able to carry his heavy ass into the house, and I wasn’t about to wake his daddy.

Unbuckling my seat belt, I moved across the bench seat until I was right beside him.

“Josh, you need to wake up and go inside. I need to get home, and you promised your momma you were coming home tonight.”

Again, he flipped sides, turning my way. Except this time, I was close, and he pulled me into his arms and snuggled into the side of my neck.

“Shhh, just sleep,” he mumbled.

He was drunk and mostly passed out.

No way did he know what he was doing.

Still, I paused, enjoying a second or two of being in his arms.

He breathed into my neck, rustling the hairs that had fallen out of my ponytail and making them tickle the side of my face. I closed my eyes and swallowed a moan. He needed to let me go, and I needed to go home before I embarrassed myself.

“Josh,” I said, my voice cracked.

“Jenny,” he mumbled against the side of my neck. “My sweet Jenny.”

My body went stiff, a tightness forming in the bottom of my stomach making me feel a spark between my thighs. A wave of chills went across my body, leaving goose bumps behind.

I was seconds away from combusting, and the second his soft lips skimmed the skin just beneath my ear, I did.

I gasped, and a moan rumbled from the back of my throat that seemed to echo into the quiet cab of his truck. He didn’t stop, his hot mouth opening and closing against my flesh as he sucked it between his lips and kissed my neck.

“I love the way you smell,” he whispered. “The way you taste.” He trailed his lips along my jawline until he nipped my chin.

I closed my eyes, knowing I should stop, but feeling weaker than I ever had in my entire life. He kissed my chin before moving up and placing a small kiss to the side of my mouth. I had to stop him. He was drunk. He didn’t know what he was doing, and if I let this continue and he woke up tomorrow remembering, things would change. I couldn’t let that happen. Things were already changing between us with school ending, and I didn’t want to make it worse.

He leaned back, his eyes still closed, before he leaned in to kiss me. But just before his lips brushed mine, I pressed my palm against his chest, stopping him.

“No,” I whispered.

I wanted to say more, but my ability to speak had been sucked away from me. If I could have spoken, I would have explained that it was wrong to let him kiss me because he was drunk. I would have told him I wanted it, but only when he was sober and sure of what he was doing.

He opened his eyes; they were glazed as they moved over my face. Then he slid away from me, opened the passenger’s side door, and slid from the bench seat and out of the truck. He tripped a little, catching himself on the door.

“Is everything okay?” I asked. “I mean, are you okay?”

Gripping the door, he chuckled and shook his head. “I’m so drunk.”

“Do you want me to walk you to the door?” I asked, moving to get out of the truck and help him.

But before I could get out, he slammed the truck door and shook his head.

“No. Don’t follow me or I’ll …” He chuckled to himself and shook his head again. “Nevermind.”

Then he turned and walked away from the truck and onto the front porch. I stayed seated, watching as he fiddled with the front door, the porch light shining down on him and the insects flying around him.

He opened the front door and closed it behind him, and I waited until I saw his bedroom light turn on and then turn off before I cranked his truck and drove myself home.

6

Josh

I fucked up.

The second she pushed me away and said the word no, I knew I screwed up my friendship with Jenny. I wasn’t sure what had come over me, but between Colton being a dick and the beer swimming through my system, I couldn’t stop myself.

One minute, I was sleeping, feeling the bumps of the road and the turns when she took them, and the next minute, she was in my arms, and her soft, sweet-smelling skin was against my lips.

When I hit the pillow, I prayed when I woke, I wouldn’t remember that moment in the truck. I prayed Jenny would forget about it, as well. But when the sun came blazing into my window, making my headache pound even harder, the first thing I thought about was the feel of her skin against my mouth and the sound she made when I kissed her neck.

Lying in bed and staring at the beadboard ceiling, I replayed the moment in my head.

Every movement.

Every gasp of her breath.

Every sound.

It wasn’t even a kiss on the lips, and already, it was the best sexual moment of my life.

How was that possible?

My phone beeped from my bedside table, and I reached for it. Jenny’s name bounced across the top before I unlocked it and read her message.

Gummy Bear: Are you awake yet?

I let the text sit for a second or two, trying to figure out how to apologize for something I wasn’t sorry for.

Me: Yeah.

Gummy Bear: Good. Your truck is safe in my driveaway.

Shit.

I would have to go by there. I wasn’t ready for that yet, but she would know something was up if I didn’t go pick up my baby right away. Also, it wasn’t like I could go over, snag my truck, and leave. That would make it obvious, too. Which meant I would be facing Jenny much sooner than I wanted to.

Me: Ok. Be there in a bit.

The hot shower I took lasted longer than usual. Standing under the spray, I prayed to feel normal again, but my stomach wouldn’t settle, and my headache was out of hand. Once I was done with my shower, I went into the kitchen to get an aspirin and a glass of water.

I stood at the sink, staring out the window at our family farm while I swallowed the pill and hoped it would start working as soon as possible.

“You look like shit,” my older sister Genie said when she came into the kitchen.

“Thanks.”

“Have fun last night?”

I shrugged instead of answering. It hurt to talk.

“Jenny drop you off and take your truck to her place?”

I nodded, feeling the dagger dig deeper into my brain with each move of my head.

“I’ll take you to pick up your truck. I gotta run to Walmart anyway.”

“Is Jimmy working today?” I asked.

Jimmy was my sister’s husband. They had only been married a year when Jimmy lost his job, and they had to move back in with us. Since then, he had gotten an even better job, and Genie and Jimmy spent most of their afternoons house shopping.

“Isn’t he always?”

I nodded.

Ten minutes later, I found myself in the passenger side of my sister’s SUV, feeling like I was seconds away from puking my guts up. I wasn’t sure if it was my hangover or Genie’s driving, but either way, I was happy when we pulled into Jenny’s driveway.

Her brother and his little girl, Emma, were out front. Emma was chasing after a butterfly, and Devin was leaning over the hood of a red Mustang.

When he heard my car door shut, he looked up. “She’s inside.” He nodded toward the front door.

Genie waved and pulled away, leaving me behind.

The screen door creaked and then snapped back into place behind me with a loud slam. Jenny was sitting on the couch watching a movie and looked up when the door slammed.

“Hey,” she said, grabbing the remote and turning the movie off.

“Hey.”

“You look like shit.”

“I feel like shit.”

She stood from the couch, and I followed her into the kitchen.

Leaning against the counter, I stood quietly while she moved around the space, cleaning and putting away a peanut butter and jelly mess I assumed Emma had left behind.

The silence between us was deafening, pressing against my nerves and making me feel itchy.

“About last night …” I started, feeling awkward around Jenny for the first time in our friendship. “I’m sorry. I was drunk, and I didn’t know what I was doing.”

“It was nothing. Don’t even stress it,” she said, tossing the dish towel onto the counter. “Are we still going fishing today?”

I got whiplash from her sudden change in subject, and the idea that the moment in my truck didn’t affect her the way it affected me stung a little.

“Nah. Not today. I feel like shit.”

She grinned. “That’s what you get. Here,” she said, going to the refrigerator and pulling out one of her dad’s beers. “Drink this.”

I gagged. “Hell, no. I’m good.”

She laughed. “I’m serious. If you drink it, you’ll feel better. Then maybe you’ll stop being a pussy, and we can go do some fishing.”

I smiled.

My girl liked to fish.

She popped the can open and held it out. I took it, pinched my nose so the smell wouldn’t make me gag, and I downed it.

As usual, Jenny was right. Thirty minutes later, I felt like a new man, and we were in my truck on the way to the river to fish. It was the last quiet Saturday we were going to have for a while. Our final week of high school was upon us, followed by graduation, and celebrations. Then the following week, I was leaving for basic.

I sucked up the moment, taking in the beauty of the backroads and the river when I pulled up to our fishing spot.

“Dibs on the blue pole,” she said, marking her territory as we opened the truck doors and climbed out.

She swore the blue fishing pole was lucky, but I didn’t believe in luck.

“You do realize there’s nothing special about that pole, right?” I said, nodding at the pole in her hand.

She stood next to the truck with the blue fishing pole in one hand and the tackle box in the other.

“Shh! It might hear you,” she joked.

I chuckled, loving how playful she was.

She adjusted her favorite hat, an old trucker hat she had found in my truck, on her head and started toward the bank. My eyes trailed over the back of her racerback tank top before falling to her ass. Her shorts were so short, the cotton from inside her pockets were poking through on the bottom. Her flip-flops smacked against the ground as she walked away, her calf muscles popping out with each step.

I shook my head, knowing she was going to be the end of me.

We fished for an hour, enjoying the peace and quiet, before she caught her first fish. It was a large catfish, and once she hooked him and reeled him in, I pulled out my phone and caught a picture of her holding him up by the mouth after she had freed him from the hook.

“Should I throw him back, or do you think your momma will want to fry him up?”

“Definitely put him in the cooler. Momma was talking about some catfish stew not too long ago.”

She got another bite as soon as her bobber settled on top of the water. Maybe she was right about the blue pole being lucky because my bobber hadn’t moved.

She struggled to reel her catch in, her pole bowing with the weight of her catch. I set my pole to the side and moved to stand beside her.

“You got it?” I asked, hesitant to help her.

She liked doing things on her own.

“I think so.”

She continued to struggle until I could no longer watch and had to help. I stepped up behind her and reached around her to grab the pole and help her pull it in. The feminine muscles in her arms twitched, her back pressed against my front, and when the swell of her plump ass settled against my cock, I started to get hard. I panicked and let go of the pole.

Thankfully, I let go just as she was pulling her catch in.

“Oh my God, it’s huge!”

She turned with a large grin on her face, holding the fishing string with a massive bass on the end. The fish was huge, but all I could think about was the tent in my pants and trying to hide it from her.

We caught eight more before heading back to my house. My mom was happy with our catch, sending my dad out onto the back porch to clean them the second we handed them over. I grabbed two bottles of water out of the refrigerator and walked out onto the front porch to find Jenny perched on the tailgate of my truck, waiting for me.

Her tan legs were dangling off the end, and her thick thighs were spilling from the cutoffs she was wearing. She was barefoot and still wearing the trucker hat, which was hiding her piercing green eyes.

I paused, bottles in hand, and watched her without her knowing she was being watched. She was playing on her phone, her head down and her feet swinging back and forth. She looked perfect. Everything I ever wanted but knew I could never have. At least not the way I dreamed of having her these days.

7

Jenny

Josh was called before me, and I watched as he crossed the stage with a large smile on his face to get his diploma. The group cheered for him as he high-fived a teacher on his way and shook hands with Principal Reeves. Once he had his diploma in hand, he faced the crowd and pumped his fist in victory.

Everyone loved him.

I loved him.

In my own way.

I think.

I wasn’t sure how I felt about Josh. I knew I cared a lot. I always had, but there was always something underlying my feelings for him. Something deeper that simmered just below my surface.

When they called my name, I walked up to the stage, my fancy flip-flops, courtesy of Lilly, flopping with my steps. Once I took the stage, I smiled down at my family and Josh, and once I was handed my diploma, I made a show of copying Josh, making the crowd laugh. He clapped from below, laughing with everyone else.

At that moment, something strange happened. We locked eyes. His laughter stopped, and my smile dropped, and what seemed like forever stretched between us. It wasn’t until Principal Reeves laid his palm against my back and I heard them calling the next person that I looked away and made my feet move.

Afterward, there were pictures. I was surround by my family. Dad and his new girlfriend, Janice, who Devin and I approved greatly of. Lilly, who was pregnant with a Devin Jr., Devin, and little Emma, who was my favorite three-year-old spitfire. Dad and Devin swore she was just like me, but I thought she was going to surpass me with the sass since there was no way I was such a smart-mouthed cutie when I was three.

“I still can’t believe my baby girl is a high school graduate,” my dad said, pulling me into his side and scrubbing at my hair, loosening my low ponytail.

“Dad!” I pushed at his side, making him laugh.

As soon as I pulled away from my dad, Vaughn scared me, grabbing me from behind and lifting me. “We did it, Scrappy! We’re free!”

I laughed. “Put me down, Beast.”

He set me on my feet and surprised me yet again when he leaned over and pressed a kiss to my hairline. I wiped at the spot with the back of my hand, making him laugh. “When do you leave for Oklahoma?”

Vaughn had applied to Oklahoma and had gotten accepted. Lucky for him, his daddy was loaded and could afford it because the boy’s GPA wasn’t pretty.

“Leaving in a few days to settle into the new apartment. Then it’s party all day and all night until the first day of class in August.”

“Yeah. Have fun with that.”

“Oh, I will. See you around, Stone Maiden. Don’t go breaking too many hearts in Texas.” He winked.

“Yeah. Like that’s going to happen.”

He shook his head as though he wanted to say more, but before he could, Josh moved up beside him and bumped shoulders with him.

“Are you over here harassing Jen?”

“Nah, man. Just saying goodbye. See y’all on the flip side.”

And then he was gone, leaving me to wonder what he was going to say before Josh interrupted him.

“Did that fucker kiss you?” he asked, his dark brows pulled low.

“Yeah, on the head like I’m a two-year-old.”

“How about we head home and get to celebrating this graduation thing,” Devin said, interrupting my conversation with Josh. He patted at his flat stomach and yawned. “I’m starving and ready to get some steaks on the grill.”

“You’re always hungry,” Lilly joked, wiping the chocolate my dad had given Emma from her face.

“Hungry for you,” Devin responded, reaching out and swatting at Lilly’s ass.

“And we’re done here,” I said, making everyone laugh.

By the time we got back to our place, the yard was full of familiar cars. We didn’t have a large family, but we had made our own little family out of our customers at the shop. Plus, since Lilly had come into our lives, her mother stopping by was a regular occurrence. Lilly’s friend Shannon and her new husband, Matt, showed up. And Janice, my dad’s new girlfriend, had a daughter who was older than Devin and seemed nice was starting to come around more often.

Everyone brought graduation gifts that were going to be super awkward to open.

I looked over the familiar cars, figuring out who was going to be in the backyard waiting to celebrate my graduation when my eyes landed on a car I hadn’t seen before.

A ’66 Ford Mustang GT.

At least the frame to one.

It was rusted, and the tires were flat. The front windshield was cracked, and it looked like it was missing the passenger side door from what I could see, but he was beautiful.

Dad put his truck in park and sat back, resting his arm along the back of the bench seat. His beer belly was prominent in the nice dress shirt he had worn to my graduation. When I looked at his face, his eyes crinkled at the sides with his smile when he saw what I had noticed across the yard from us.

“Whose is it?” I asked.

“It’s yours.”

“You lie.” My breathing was accelerated.

The desire to get out and go touch it was extreme. I had dreamed of a ’66 Mustang since I was a little girl.

“Nope. True story. It’s your graduation present.”

As soon as the words left his mouth, I leaped from his truck and ran across the yard to the trashed car waiting for me.

I set my palms on the rusted hood, feeling a rush of tears pressing at the back of my eyes.

Dad and Devin joined me; I could hear them chuckling behind me.

“Are you serious, Dad? It’s mine?” I asked again to be sure.

I couldn’t believe it.

Most girls would have wanted a brand-new ride. Not me. The old rust bucket parked in the yard was perfect.

“Thought it might be something we could work on when you come home to visit.”

“Basically, this is your way of making sure I come home?”

He laughed. “Damn straight. By the time you graduate, I think she’ll be ready. What do you think, Devin?”

“I’d say so. It’s rough but a nice project.”

“He,” I said, running my fingers over the windowsill of the driver’s side door.

“He?”

“His name is Carlos. You name your cars after women, but Carlos fits him.”

My dad and brother laughed, and I took the moment in.

My life was about to change a ton, but I wanted to soak that moment in and hold it close to my heart forever.

We had a nice turnout. Some people I had only met a handful of times but who were friends with my dad and Devin. My gift table was loaded down, and the smell of barbecue filled the backyard while Devin manned the grill.

Lilly and Janice, Dad’s new girlfriend, filled the tables with homemade foods. A few women brought casseroles. And by the time I tossed my paper plate in the trash, I felt like I was going to burst. I ran around the yard with Emma, chasing her and playing tag to work off the massive amount of food I put down.

By the time the night was settling over the yard, people were leaving, and the ones who were staying had already popped a bottle and were laughing over old times with my dad.

“Shouldn’t you go in and get dressed? Aren’t you going to a party with Josh tonight?” Lilly asked from the kitchen sink when I went inside.

Six months before, Home Depot had showed up at our door and put in a brand-new high-tech dishwasher. She was loading it.

“Yeah. I’m about to go shower and throw something on now.”

She pressed the button on the dishwasher, starting it, and stood. She moved a hand to her lower back, bringing my eyes down to her pregnant stomach.

“Are you okay?”

She nodded. “Yeah. He’s just an active little guy.”

I grinned. “Like his daddy.”

“Oh, yeah.” She chuckled. “I’m definitely going to have my hands full.”

“I hate that I’m going to miss so much.”

“I’ll make sure to send you tons of pictures. It will be like you never left.”

“I know you’ll keep me updated, but it still sucks.”

I turned and started toward my room.

“Hey, Jen,” she called out, stopping me.

“Yeah?”

“I might have put something on your bed. Wear it to your party if you want. If you don’t, no hard feelings.”

Then she smiled and went out the back door and into the backyard with everyone else.

I went into my room to find a blue sundress on my bed. It wasn’t fancy, which I appreciated, and the seams were a little frayed on purpose, making it look comfy and used. It was made to look distressed, and I found myself liking it the longer I looked at it.

It was going to be my last night out with high school friends. Everyone was going their own ways. It was time I did something a little different. Fuck the consequences.

I grabbed the dress from my bed and went to the bathroom to wash the heat of the day from my skin. An hour later, I found myself standing in front of the mirror with my hair brushed out and down, a pair of white Converse on my feet, and wearing the cute blue dress Lilly had bought me.

It was different for me, but in a way, I liked it.

I was standing on the front porch when Josh’s black truck pulled into my driveway. I didn’t wait for him to get out. Instead, I went to the truck, pulled the passenger’s side door open, and climbed in.

After I shut the door and put on my seat belt, I turned to face Josh, finding him staring over at me like he had no clue who was.

“What?” I asked, annoyed.

“You look nice,” he said.

“Shut up. I look stupid.”

“You don’t, Jenny. I’m serious. You look really pretty.”

My skin heated. “Whatever. Lilly bought it for me, and I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. It’s no big deal.”

He stared at me for longer than usual. His eyes moving over my face in a way that made me feel exposed.

“Are we going?”

He turned away, putting the truck in reverse. “Yeah. Sorry.”

The party was at JJ’s family’s lake house. We drove the twenty minutes to the house, laughing and listening to Jason Aldean on the radio. I left my hair down for the first few minutes of the ride, but once the wind came whipping into my downed window, I found myself pulling it up to keep it out of my face.

We were welcomed by white Christmas lights strung in the summer trees and teenagers all over the lawn in front of the house. The lake glistened behind the house, a few boats with lights strung on them floated with what looked to be more partygoers. The entire senior class was there.

“Let’s do this,” Josh said, opening the driver’s side door.

I opened my door and climbed down from his truck. It was warm out, but a slight breeze caught under the skirt of my dress and lifted it. The dress was knee length, nothing too short or too long, but I felt exposed like I never had before. I hadn’t even entered the party yet, and I already wished I had worn a pair of shorts or a pair of jeans.

The music was loud, thumping from a large DJ booth set up on the corner of the lawn. JJ’s parents had gone all out. We passed people on our way to find our little group, and Brandy Miller grabbed Josh’s arm and pulled him in for a hug.

“We did it!” she called out over the music.

He laughed and pulled away as nicely as he could. His mouth was moving as he said something in return, but I couldn’t hear what over the loud music.

I turned away from the two of them, and my eyes met JJ coming across the lawn toward us. He held up a drink and pointed at it. I nodded. I was going to drink to calm my nerves. If Josh wanted to drink, then I would only have the one. It would be out of our system before the night was over.

When JJ reached my side, he put the drink in my hand and pulled me in for a side hug.

“Glad y’all could make it.” He took a sip from his drink and then pulled away, looking me up and down. “Looking good, Scrappy.”

I smoothed down the skirt of my dress and shrugged. “It’s the end of school. Might as well go out with a bang, right?”

His eyes dropped to my legs, and he bit his bottom lip. “Hell, yeah. I’ll give you a bang.”

“Whoa,” Josh said from my other side, pulling me away from JJ. “I think that’s enough.”

JJ’s eyes lit up, the red around the rim going darker. “What the fuck, Josh? Let her live. If you’re not going to do something about it, let the rest of us try.”

Confused, I looked up at Josh. “What’s he talking about?”

Josh’s face was red, his teeth bared. “Nothing. JJ’s fucking around. Right, J?”

JJ’s face cleared, and he smiled, the smile not reaching his eyes. “Try to have fun, Jenny. I’ll see y’all around here. I need to go be a good host.”

He walked away without waiting for a response.

“What is going on with you lately? These are your boys, and all y’all seem to be doing is fighting.”

He shook his head, the red tint on his cheeks slowly dissolving. “They’re being dicks. They’re only hitting on you all the time because they’re trying to get under my skin. They know you’re my best friend.”

His words stung.

“Right. Because who in their right mind would hit on me because they find me attractive? That’s just unheard of.”

I walked away, downing my drink and trying to douse the flames of hurt in my stomach. He followed, reaching out to wrap his warm fingers around my arm and stop me.

“Stop. That’s not what I meant.”

“Well, that’s what you said.”

He let go of my arm and sighed. Pulling his hat from his head, he ran his long fingers through his thick hair.

“Nothing ever hurts your feelings. When did you get so goddamn girlie?”

His words fueled the flames of hurt in my stomach, turning them into anger.

“I was born a fucking girl!”

Then I walked away again, going for the house, which seemed like the less crowded place. Not to mention, the music was outside, not inside, and my head was pounding. Before I went through the front door, I grabbed two beers to take with me for good measure.

Fuck it. If Josh drank, I would have someone come and pick me up.

Inside was a haven. The music thumped from outside, but it was nothing compared to being outside and close to the speakers. Except for a few stragglers, no one was inside. I went to the plush sectional, sat back, and put my feet on the coffee table. I finished the drink JJ had given me and popped the cap on a bottle of beer. It wasn’t my favorite, but it would do the trick. I needed to wash away the fears and hurt. I needed to forget for the night about how badly things were about to shift in my life.

Josh stayed outside, leaving me alone, and I was glad. I was sure he didn’t mean to hurt my feelings, but for some reason, his words had. Sure, I wasn’t overly girlie. I didn’t dress up usually, and I wasn’t flirty, but that didn’t mean no one found me attractive.

Right?

I visited the front porch, grabbing a new bottle of beer every time I finished one until I lost count. The night outside grew darker, and the house grew empty as the partiers moved from the front yard to the back where the lake water was. When I went to the back door, I could hear them splashing around and laughing, but I stayed inside in the darkening house, getting drunk and wishing I had stayed home.

“Are you going to ignore me all night?” Josh asked from behind me, making me jump.

“I don’t know. Are you still being a condescending asshole?”

He tapped his chin in thought before smiling. “I’m sorry, okay?”

He tossed a small bag of candy at me, and I caught it.

Gummy bears.

“Did you go to the store for these?”

Did the boy walk around with gummy bears in his pockets?

“Maybe.”

I rolled my eyes. “Fine. I forgive you, but just so you know, I’m hot, and the boys around here all think so.”

No.

I was drunk.

I hadn’t noticed it before, but now that I was speaking, I could hear the slur in my voice.

At my words, he laughed. “Noted. Think you’ve had enough?”

He moved down the back hallway toward me, and the lights from the back shone across his face.

I giggled.

Like giggled as if I were one of those annoying airheads. “Nope.”

He reached out and took my beer from my hand and set it on the table at our side. “I disagree.”

I snorted. “You would.”

“Hey, what’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means you’re a stick in the mud. You always drink. I always drive. It’s our unspoken agreement. Well, tonight, I’m drinking. Twelve years and we are finished. I deserve to celebrate just as much as anyone else.”

Josh smiled and shook his head. “Suit yourself. Are you coming outside, or are you going to hide in here all night?”

He talked me into going outside with him, and he stood at my side, letting me drink while he sipped at a water bottle. It was nice that he was taking the wheel for the night, allowing me to let loose for once. Not that he wouldn’t before. It was that I wasn’t usually interested in drinking.

Two hours passed, and I was visiting the bathroom for the third time. The alcohol was going right through me now that I had broken my seal and pissed that first time.

I washed my hands, leaning against the counter, and looked in the mirror.

I didn’t look half bad. My hair was up in a messy bun after I got annoyed with my ponytail getting pulled, and my eyes were bright green and glassy. I dried my hands on the hand towel hanging behind me and pulled the bathroom door open to find Josh standing there.

I gasped. “What the fuck, Josh? You scared the shit out of me.”

“Sorry. You left without telling me where you were going. I was worried.”

“What’s your deal? I’m fine. You don’t have to follow me around. I can take care of myself, you know?”

It was the beer talking. Even as I was saying the words, I could hear how bitchy they sounded.

“I know, but there are a lot of people here. Cut me some slack, okay?”

I moved into his space, ready to go around him, but he put his arms on the doorframe and stopped me. “Maybe we should go.”

“Now you’re telling me what to do?”

“Jenny, come on. It’s not like that.”

I crossed my arms.

He was annoying me, but something strange was happening too. He was being demanding, which rarely happened with Josh when it came to me, and I kind of liked it. My eyes moved over his arms, taking in the muscles and the light veins that worked their way up and down his arms.

“What are you looking at?” he asked, moving his arms away from the door.

“I like your arms. They’re sexy.”

His eyes went wide. “Yeah, you’ve had enough.”

“I’ll say when I’ve had enough.”

He reached out and wrapped his large hand around my wrist. “Come on, we’re leaving.”

I jerked my hand away. “I said, your arms are sexy, Josh. What do you have to say about that?”

“I’m not responding to that.”

“What if I said I wanted to kiss you? Would you respond to that?”

He scratched at the back of his neck, his cheeks flushing.

“Jenny.”

“Josh.”

And then something happened. I moved forward, pushing myself into his chest. I leaned up and kissed him without even thinking it through.

He pulled back, his fingers going to his mouth.

“What are you doing?” he asked

“I don’t know, but you should probably stop me.”

His eyes skimmed my face once again, his brows pulling down in frustration.

“What if I don’t want to?”

Then his lips brushed mine, and I stopped breathing.

Joshua Black, my best friend for forever, was kissing me, and even though I knew I needed to pull away, I couldn’t do it. I liked it too much.

He turned us, my back hitting the faux wood paneling wall. I spun a little with his quick movements mixed with all the drinks I had.

“This is wrong,” he said against my lips.

I reached down between us, cupping his hard-on through his jeans. “Then why does it feel so right?”

“Fuck.”

His kiss was hard and hurried, his firm body pressing into me. Throughout the years, Josh had made me feel many things, but the sensations skipping through my body every time he touched me were completely new.

His fingers dug into my hair before moving down the sides of my throat. I opened for him, kissing him like a seasoned professional even though technically I had never really been kissed this way. The forced kisses of the night I dare not speak of didn’t count.

He pulled back to catch his breath, and I sucked in one as well.

“Don’t stop,” I begged.

Begged.

Something I had never done in all my life.

A grin pulled at the side of his mouth, enjoying how crazy he was making me. Instead of waiting for him, I placed my palm on the back of his head and pulled his lips back to mine.

“So demanding,” he growled against my lips.

His fingers moved under my dress and up the back of my thighs, gliding over my ass and skimming my lower back before moving to the front and teasing my navel. I sucked in another breath through my nose and moaned on the exhale.

It was forward of me. I know it was, but I pushed his right hand lower until it was dipping into the top of my panties. He chuckled against my lips, knowing what I was obviously asking for. Then he gave me what I wanted, peeling back my panties to slide his hand inside until his finger skimmed me.

“Please, Josh,” I whined, thrusting my hips forward for his touch.

His finger slid down my slit, grazing my clit and making my knees shake. He moved lower until he was teasing my entrance with the tip of his finger, and I swore at that moment I was going to explode.

He circled my entrance, teasing me yet again, until I found myself wiggling and lowering, begging for him to put his finger inside me. He dipped inside with the tip of his finger.

“Is that what you want?”

I nodded, biting my bottom lip.

“Use your words, Jenny.”

“Stop fucking with me and do it.”

He chuckled again, his lips skimming my cheek. “Ask nicely.”

I growled in frustration. I was strung tight, my body throbbing for release.

I pressed my palm against the front of my panties, pushing his finger closer to where I wanted it.

“Nuh-uh. Ask nicely.”

“Fuck. Please, Josh.” My voice broke.

I had hit a new low, but since it was only Josh seeing me in my most vulnerable moment, I didn’t mind.

He gave me what I wanted, pushing his finger deep inside me.

“Oh my God,” I released the breath I was holding.

He swirled his finger, pulling yet another ungraceful sound from the back of my throat.

“You’re so wet. Is this what I do to you?”

I nodded.

“Words, Jenny. Say what I want to hear.”

“You do this to me.”

He grabbed my hand, pressing my palm against his hard-on. “And this is what you do to me. You drive me fucking crazy. Let’s do something to make you feel better.”

He pulled his finger from me, sliding up until he was massaging my clit.

Reaching up, I clutched his shoulders since I was sure my legs were going to collapse beneath me. My fingers dug into the muscles there, feeling it tighten with each swirl of his finger.

His speed increased, pulling an orgasm out of me with greedy tugs, and my body went stiff just before the wave crashed over me.

“That’s it. Come for me, baby.”

I shook with my orgasm, my head rolling back against the wall and a soundless scream holding my lips open.

“That’s so fucking hot.”

He pulled his hand out once I came down from my high, and when he began to peel my panties down over my thighs, I spread my legs to let him. I stepped out of each leg, and then he tossed them to the floor.

He locked eyes with mine, and I didn’t look down when I heard the tinkering of his belt. He pushed his jeans down and moved toward me, reaching behind my thigh and pulling my leg up onto his hip.

It was really happening.

After years of friendship.

Years of growing to love each other before falling in love with him.

Followed by years of yearning and wishing and dreaming of a moment like the one we were in.

It was perfect. He was the one. He had always been the one.

I pulled his head closer and captured his lips. He pressed his heat against my center, pushing it down and lining it up with my entrance.

“I always knew you’d be my first,” I whispered against his lips.

As soon as the words left my mouth and slid across his, his body went stiff.

Everything stopped, and he pulled back as he let my leg slide down and out of his hold.

8

Josh

What the fuck was I doing?

It was happening. After almost a lifetime with Jenny by my side as my best friend—after years of a platonic relationship with her—we were blowing past our friendship and into a whole other level of … hell, I didn’t know what it was we were doing.

I pulled away, tugging my jeans up to cover myself. I had never been so hard in all my life. Never wanted to push myself into the warmth of a woman so badly. The tip of my cock had been leaking since the moment she begged me to keep going, but her words had been like a wave of arctic water.

I always knew you’d be my first.

I had known Jenny was still a virgin. Hell, if I hadn’t known before I stuck my finger inside her, I would have known right away.

She was tight.

So fucking tight. And soft. And fucking wet and ready for me. I knew I had to be crazy to walk away from what she was offering.

But even before feeling how tight she was, I had known. Not only because I knew almost everything that happened in our little town, but no guy was dumb enough to fuck with Jenny. Not with me threatening them. Not with the thought of Devin’s rage raining down on them. And not with the possibility of getting on Jenny’s bad side.

Still, hearing her whisper those sweet words, knowing she was giving me something so special, scared me. I couldn’t do it. Not knowing I would be leaving her behind soon. It wasn’t right. She deserved more, and I knew I wasn’t capable of more right then.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, the slur in her voice more noticeable than it was before.

“This is wrong.”

“It doesn’t feel wrong.” She tried to kiss me again, and again, I pulled back.

Fuck.

What was she doing to me?

“Jenny, you’ve been drinking.”

“And?”

“And do you even know what you’re doing?”

She moved closer, pressing her body against me. I sucked in air between my teeth, making a hissing noise.

“Does it feel like I know what I’m doing?” She reached down, going for my button. “It’s only fair. You got me off. Let me get you off.”

“I’m okay. We shouldn’t have done that.” I pulled her hand from my button.

She pulled me in again, her lips locking onto mine, and I let go and kissed her back. It wasn’t something I could control. It was as if my body took over, needing her in a way my mind wasn’t comprehending.

The music from outside the room thumped, and I deepened the kiss, drawing out a long, deep moan from the back of her throat. I felt it in my cock, sending sparks through my balls and precum flowing from my tip.

She pulled back and took a breath before she moved in once again. I had a drink earlier in the night, but now that I was coming down from the haze of lust, the taste of alcohol on her breath seemed even stronger.

Did she even know what she was doing?

Was I wrong for responding?

For touching her.

If she hadn’t been drinking, would she have kissed me?

Would she remember any of this tomorrow?

Probably not.

For years, I had been warning guys away from Jenny only to do the one thing I worried others would do to her.

Take advantage.

I pulled away, breaking the kiss and sucking in the energy around me to build up the will to take a step back. She looked up at me, her green eyes watery from too much to drink.

“Why do you keep stopping this?”

I pulled my hat from my head and ran my fingers through my tangled locks with a sigh.

“Jenny, as much as I would like to keep going, it’s wrong. You’re drunk. I’m not going to take advantage of you that way.”

Her shoulders dropped, and I saw the moment her lust cleared, and the drunken anger stepped in.

“You’re serious?”

I licked my lips, tasting her, and nodded. “Yeah.”

“You’ve fucked everything with two legs and a pussy in this town, but me you say no to?”

Shit.

First, I hadn’t slept with that many girls.

Secondly, she was too drunk to make sense of this.

“It’s not like that, Jen.”

She crossed her arms and looked away. “It’s whatever. Blame it on the alcohol, right?”

She was pretending I hadn’t hurt her feelings, but I’d known Jenny long enough to know the look in her eyes was one of heartbreak. I was doing the right thing. I was sure of it, but I felt like shit.

“Do you want me to take you home?”

I hoped she would say yes. She’d had enough to drink, and I wanted nothing more than to take her home and get her to bed.

That was a lie. There was something I wanted more, but that would have to wait until the right time. It wasn’t right time.

“Yeah. Fine. Let’s go.”

She reached down and snatched her underwear from the floor. I turned my head as she quickly dressed herself. Then she stepped around me and left the room. I followed her, saying goodbye to our friends as we passed. Everyone eyed us, obviously feeling the tension between us.

Once we were in my truck, she stuck to the side and stared out the window as if I weren’t even in the truck with her. I didn’t speak to her. I knew better than to push her buttons when she was pissed. Instead, I rested my arm on the steering wheel and drove us across town and to her place.

When we pulled into her driveway, she wasted no time opening the door and jumped down from the truck.

“See ya,” she muttered.

“I’ll text you tomorrow,” I called out.

She nodded, stumbling away from my truck. She threw her hand up and waved bye before she disappeared into her house. I waited until I saw her bedroom light turn on and then turn off before I drove away.

As I drove home, I prayed things would be okay when the sun came up.

9

Jenny

I never had to pretend with Josh. It was the greatest thing about our friendship, yet that was exactly what I was doing.

Pretending.

I was acting as if our kiss hadn’t happened. Like he hadn’t fingered me. Like it wasn’t one of the most intense and best things I had ever experienced. Sure, he had done a lot of things with a lot of girls, but it was different for me. I didn’t go around dropping my panties for anyone. The alcohol had given me balls, but the fact was, I’d wanted that kiss. I had wanted his hands in my panties.

Touching me.

Getting me off.

And then, I wanted more.

Him inside me.

All around me.

I had dreamed of a moment like that with Josh for years, and it hadn’t disappointed.

The problem was, things felt awkward. We were still together all the time. That part hadn’t changed, but eye contact was nonexistent. We talked but never about anything important. And I noticed Josh was working the farm more than usual.

I stayed in the garage with Dad and Devin, changing oil and tires and freeing them up for dropping engines and other big jobs. When they didn’t need me, I worked on Carlos. I even got him to crank twice. It was kind of a big deal, yet I couldn’t get excited about it.

Things couldn’t stay this way. Josh was leaving for basic soon, and I wouldn’t let him leave while we were on such strange terms.

Tossing my wrench to the side, I slid myself out from under the Dodge when I finished the oil change. I pulled my rag out of my back pocket and wiped the sweat from my face.

“Dad, I’m going to head out for a bit. You need anything?”

“Nah, I’m good here. Go fix whatever the hell is going on with you and that boy.”

I never knew how he knew, but my dad always knew when Josh and I were on the outs, which wasn’t often. And for some reason, even though he had known Josh as long as I had, he still called him that boy.

I stopped off at the E-Z Mart, which happened to be the halfway point between our place and the Black’s farm, and put five bucks in Dad’s truck before going inside.

“Here for your sugar rush?” Denny, the old man who ran the store, asked.

He knew Josh and me well.

“Yep.”

I went down my favorite aisle, the one with the candy, and snatched a bag of Starburst from the shelf. After I paid, I got back in Dad’s truck and drove the rest of the way to Josh’s place.

When I pulled up, I saw him out by the barn directing a horse inside. I turned the truck off and got out. Going across the lawn, I went straight to the barn. When I stepped inside, he was locking up.

“Hey,” I said, catching his attention.

He looked up at me before he pulled his hat off and swiped at the sweat on his forehead.

“Hey.”

I tossed him a bag of Starburst. He caught them and looked down at the bag confused.

“What are these for?” he asked.

“Listen, about the other night …”

He rubbed the back of his neck and nodded. “Yeah?”

“I’m sorry.”

Finally, he looked me in the eye. “You’re sorry?”

“Yeah. I won’t go into detail, but what I did was wrong.”

“What you did?”

“Stop repeating me and just say you forgive me so we can forget about it.”

“No.”

“Excuse me?”

“No. I’m not going to forgive you because you didn’t do anything wrong. If anyone should be apologizing, it should be me. I don’t know what came over me, but I had no right to take advantage of you. I’m sorry.”

“I’m not an innocent in this. Stop treating me like I’m helpless female. That’s not what’s happening here.”

He nodded. Then he pulled out a bag of gummy bears and tossed them at my chest. “Forgive and forget?”

I smiled, hugging the bag to my chest. “Forgive and forget.”

Except I wasn’t sure I wanted to forget anything.

10

Josh

I wasn’t sure I wanted to forget kissing Jenny.

I didn’t want to forget the way she begged me to touch her. The way she felt wrapped around my fingers, warm and wet. And when she came. Fuck. I had jerked off every night since to the expression on her face.

The relief.

The shock of something feeling so good.

This wouldn’t do. I couldn’t keep this shit up. I had kept myself busy, working until I was showering and passing out at night, but I would be leaving soon, and I wasn’t about to leave Jenny feeling the things I was feeling without saying anything to her.

It was time.

Sure, the timing was terrible since we were leaving each other soon, but before she took off to Texas and surrounded herself with guys who I was sure were going to be all over her, I wanted her to know I was hers.

Always.

We went inside and ate lunch together at Momma’s kitchen table, and when Genie and Jimmy got home, Jenny left and went back to her place. Things were okay between us again, but I wasn’t sure I wanted just okay.

I wanted the fire of that night at JJ’s lake house.

I wanted her begging me and the feel of her holding me close.

That night when I went to bed, I jerked off again with my eyes closed and her expression as she came on repeat in my mind. And when I unloaded in my palm, I imagined I was coming deep inside Jenny and her legs were wrapped around my hips.

Afterward, I lay there, staring at the ceiling and thinking about her and our lives together until I fell asleep.

The next morning, I woke, sure of what I was doing. I was leaving for basic in a week. A week was plenty of time to get adjusted to more than friendship. I was in love with Jenny. Hell, I had loved Jenny almost all my life, but I had fallen in love with her over the past two years.

Mom cooked pancakes for breakfast, and I shoveled them in, ready to get over to Jenny’s place and tell her everything. I was done being afraid. I was going to put it out there and see where the wind scattered it. And if by some chance it didn’t work out the way I hoped, we had weeks of me being at basic to move past it.

I was pumped and ready to spill my heart to Jenny, except when I pulled up to her house, her entire family was there. Devin’s truck was outside. Janice’s, her dad’s new girlfriend, car was there. I could hear laughter coming from inside the small house.

It was a terrible time to confess my love to Jenny. I would do it before I left for basic, but not at that moment.

Instead of getting out of my truck, I put it in reverse and backed out, knowing that I might never have the courage to tell her about my feelings again. By the time I got back to my house, I found myself relieved that I hadn’t had a chance to speak to her.

What was I thinking?

I could confess later. Not days before I was leaving for basic training. It had been a terrible idea.

Later.

Another day.

Before she left for Texas, for sure.

At least that was what I told myself every day for the next week. It wasn’t long until I was in my room packing for basic, and Jenny was there helping me. Her eyes glassy with unshed tears as she pretended not to be bothered by the fact I was leaving.

She was bothered.

I was bothered.

I didn’t want to leave her, but I knew I had to. I had to make a life for myself. One that didn’t include working the farm. A good life for me meant a good life for Jenny since I was determined to make her mine one day.

Just not today.

11

Jenny

It was the day. Josh was leaving me. And what was worse, he was leaving when things in our relationship were all fucked up. I no longer knew what we were to each other, and his leaving before we figured it out made my skin itchy. Still, instead of dwelling on it, I made sure to act as normal as possible.

Just friends.

Normal smartassed Jenny Michaels.

“I can’t believe you’re leaving for basic training,” I said, choking down a throatful of pesky emotions and pretending I wasn’t bothered by his departure.

I was more bothered than I wanted to admit. The thought of Josh leaving and going into the military left my stomach feeling weak and queasy. There was a bizarre anxious pressure on my chest I couldn’t seem to shake. Nothing ever shook me this way. They didn’t call me the stone maiden for nothing but losing Josh … he was my Achilles’ heel.

He was going to be five hours away from me in Fort Benning, Georgia, for infantry training, and I hated it. I had known for months that he was going into the Army, but time seemed to fly from the moment he told me about his plans.

Sure, I was leaving for Texas with a full ride to Texas A&M University when the fall semester started, but being home in South Carolina without him was going to feel all kinds of wrong. I only hoped I would see him again before I left for Texas.

“I know, but it’s only fourteen weeks. It’ll fly by, and I’ll be back home before you know it.” He looked up from packing his duffel and smiled reassuringly.

I was glad things didn’t feel weird. The room was tense, but we were both acting as if nothing had happened between us. If I blocked the feel of his touch and kiss from my mind, I could almost pretend the tension was sadness.

“Yeah, but then I’ll be gone.”

I shouldn’t have pointed out the obvious. Fourteen weeks was a lifetime for us, but it would be more than fourteen weeks because I was leaving for school before he was due to come home from basic. I wanted him to stay until I left for school, but I didn’t say that out loud. He couldn’t make life decisions with me in mind, and I didn’t want to make him feel bad for leaving. Not when I knew he was doing what was best for himself.

My eyes moved around his bedroom, landing on his football trophies and then the pictures taped around the mirror on his dresser. There was a picture of the entire football team with him in the center holding up the state championship trophy. A picture of him and Brandy Miller at senior prom, the same night they were crowned prom king and queen. Beside that, a picture of his old Ford truck right after he had gotten the new black paint job and had it lifted. Mostly, there were pictures of us together.

Us in our underwear when we were seven covered in mud from head to toe.

Him carrying me piggyback when we went on the school field trip to Carowinds amusement park our freshman year.

Then there was my favorite picture of all. Him hugging me close to his side, a panty-melting grin directed at the camera and me looking up at him as though he was my everything, which was exactly what he was.

“This sucks,” I whined.

He chucked a pair of his boxers at my face, and I dropped them to the floor like they were on fire.

“You’re gross. Don’t throw your diseased dick covers at me.”

He laughed, and I knew it was his laughter I was going to miss the most. Josh was a lot of things, but a funny guy was my favorite of all of them.

He shoved another T-shirt into his duffel and zipped it up.

“Diseased dick covers.” He shook his head and chuckled. “I’ll have to remember that one for the guys.”

“Don’t be stealing my digs,” I teased. “But seriously, you’re leaving me for fourteen weeks. I feel like you should have gummies for me. You’re not living up to your end of the bargain, Black.”

I rarely called him by his last name, but when I did, he knew I meant business.

He paused with his hands on his hips and sighed. “You’re leaving me, too, remember?”

There.

He said it.

The fire in my chest flamed, sucking the oxygen from my lungs with its growth. I couldn’t let him see how badly I burned.

I waved away his question. “Yeah, but that’s in two months. It doesn’t count. Stop making this about you,” I joked, trying to lighten the mood. “What am I supposed to do around here without you for two whole fucking months?”

“I don’t know. Hang out with friends. Maybe a few of the girls? It’ll do you some good to hang around with a few chicks every now and again. Maybe then the town will start to realize you’re a girl.”

The look in his eyes didn’t match his playful grin. While his smile said he was teasing me, his eyes were saying he knew I was all female beneath my baggie clothes. His eyes were saying he’d felt my curves and tasted my flesh.

I looked away, searching for something I could throw back at him to keep the teasing mood going. I picked up a lighter sitting on his dresser and threw it at his head. “Screw you.”

The wrong words since I had been thinking about being with him since our last push over the edge.

He dodged the lighter and laughed. “I don’t know. It could be fun. Maybe go the beach and do all those girlie things they do.”

“Oh, yes. A day filled with nails and girl talk. Sounds like a blast.”

He shivered with disgust. “Yeah, that sounds like hell.”

“Yep.”

“We can talk on the phone some during my personal time,” he reminded me.

“Yeah, I know, but—”

“It’s not enough. I know,” he cut me off. “We’re used to being together all the time. I’m not going to lie; it’s going to suck. Who’ll protect you from all the college dicks who are going to be chasing you around A&M?”

I picked up a pillow from his bed and threw it at his head, making him laugh again.

“First of all,” I said, holding up my hand. “I’ll protect my damn self.”

“This is true,” he agreed. “They don’t stand a chance with your right hook.”

He wasn’t wrong.

Devin had taught me well. Especially after that terrible night during my sophomore year, which I now referred to as “that night.” I had fought back, making it difficult for two grown men to hold me down. I had gotten in a few hits of my own, and even then, I had some pack behind my punch, but now, I fought like a man. Never again would some asshole get the best of me.

“And secondly, there’ll be no chasing. No one chases after me now. I doubt that’ll change much in college.”

Setting his pillow back in its place, he absently said, “They don’t chase after you around here because I threatened to kill any guy who did.”

My mouth fell open at his confession. Surely, he was joking. He had to be.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked.

“Nothing. Forget I said anything.”

“No. I’m serious. What are you talking about?”

He looked up sheepishly and shrugged. “It’s really nothing. It’s stupid.”

“I don’t care. Tell me.”

He ran his long, slender fingers through his dark hair and bit into his bottom lip.

“Oh, come on. You must know already. I’m sure someone let the cat out of the bag at some point.”

I was genuinely confused.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Seriously?” he asked. “I’m surprised no one ever told you.”

“Oh my God, stop being annoying. Told me what?”

He scratched at the tiny bit of scruff on his cheek and sighed in defeat. “Fine. Every guy in town knows if they fuck with you, they have to deal with me.”

I rolled my eyes. He wasn’t telling me anything I didn’t already know. Josh had my back. I had always known that.

“Oh. I know you have my back, but I’m not talking about bullshitting and fighting. I thought you meant chasing me because they wanted me.”

He swallowed hard, his thick throat working up and down beneath the leather cord necklace I had given him when we were fifteen. It had a silver Indian feather charm hanging from it. I had gotten it from Cherokee, North Carolina, when I went there with Dad and Devin for an impromptu fishing trip.

 “That is what I’m talking about.” He rubbed at the back of his neck and averted his eyes.

He was acting nervous, which made no sense. I had seen him in his most embarrassing moments, and I didn’t feel like this was one of those moments.

“I’m confused. Why would you do that? Since when do you care about me dating?”

“Since always.”

“That’s not an answer, Josh.”

“It’s my answer. Let’s just drop it, okay? Here,” he said, reaching into his bedside table before tossing me a big bag of gummy bears. “Fill your big mouth with these and shut it. Discussion over for now.”

He had gotten me gummies. He knew his leaving was going to be hard on me. Gummy bears were my favorite, and he knew that, as well, which let me know he had gone out and bought them before I had come over to see him off.

Candy was kind of our thing. Especially when we got into an argument. When he pissed me off, he bought me gummy bears, and when I pissed him off, it was Sour Patch Kids or Starburst. It worked for us. It was our way of apologizing to each other.

I palmed the large bag of gummy bears and set them on top of his dresser beside me.

“Did you seriously threaten guys?”

I was still having a hard time understanding him, which was strange for me since I knew him better than I knew myself.

“Yeah, I kind of did.”

Then a thought occurred to me.

“Are you the reason no one ever asks me out? Because I always assumed it was because I wasn’t girlie enough, and guys didn’t notice me.”

He snorted. “They noticed. Trust me.”

His eyes moved over my chest, and heat flared to life in his gaze.

No.

We were doing so well at keeping things normal.

I couldn’t let him switch things so close to his leaving.

“You’re being weird.” I swallowed, feeling as if his room had shrunk around us.

He tossed an extra pair of socks next to his duffel on his bed and moved across the room toward me. I always loved the way Josh moved. It was a stupid thing to admire, but it was the confidence in his steps and the flex of his muscles. It was enough to make a girl sweat.

I leaned casually against his dresser like I was unfazed by his closeness when really, I was shaking inside. I had spent my entire life close to Josh, but this was different. He was being different.

He reached up and tucked my stray hairs behind my ear. I kept my hair in a ponytail, but on occasion, pieces would fall out, and I never cared enough to smooth it back.

“I’m going to miss you so fucking much, Jen. We’ve barely spent a day away from each other. How the hell am I going to handle six months without you?”

It was going to be six months. Especially if he didn’t come back from basic before I left for Texas. I wouldn’t be coming back to South Carolina until Thanksgiving, but I hadn’t thought about that. I was having a hard enough time trying to get over fourteen weeks. If I thought about six months without him, I wouldn’t let him leave.

I playfully tapped him on the arm, trying to break the strange feeling that had enveloped us. “You’re not going to. You can’t live without me.”

I was playing, but his face went serious, and I knew I had pushed a button.

“You’re right. I can’t.”

Again, I swallowed. “Then stay. Stay here with me. We can spend the summer at the river, and I’ll blow off college. We both know I’m going to end up working in Dad’s garage anyway.”

What was I saying?

The side of his mouth lifted into a flirty smile he had never directed toward me. I was seeing a side of him that was only seen by the girls he had dated over the years. It was different for me. “I can’t ask you to do that. We need to go. Me to basic training and you to college. We aren’t kids anymore, Jen. We have to start our lives.”

I nodded in agreement. “I know. Adulting sucks already.”

He chuckled, and then once again, his face went serious. “But maybe once we’re both home, we can try something a little different?”

“What do you mean?”

He leaned back and sighed as he ran his long fingers through his dark hair. “I don’t want to fuck this up.”

“Come on, it’s me. You can’t fuck things up with me,” I said, pushing him to tell me whatever it was he wasn’t saying.

“I know. It’s just …” He paused.

“What? Just tell me.”

I was on the verge of tugging on my ponytail in aggravation. I wanted him to just spit it out. We didn’t have much time before he had to leave. I opened my mouth to once again tell him to spill the beans, but before I could say anything, he leaned in and pressed his warm lips against mine.

I had only been kissed a handful of times in my life. Once during freshman year by an asshole on a dare. I punched him and broke his nose. Even though I had only been protecting myself, I was suspended from school for a week.

When I got back to school, I was told Josh had kicked the boy’s ass after school in the parking lot. I also found out he had been dared to kiss me because every boy in school thought I was a dangerous ride due to my brother, Devin, and his lethal fists.

Sure, I was boyish, but that didn’t mean I didn’t want to experience things like a decent first kiss, and when it came to Devin, he had calmed down quite a bit since he became a married man with a little girl looking up to him and a baby boy on the way.

The second time was during “that night,” and I didn’t discuss that night ever.

Josh’s kisses were unlike anything else in the world. When he kissed me, I could forget the rest. I closed my eyes and wiped away the thoughts of those terrible kisses that were forced on me. In my mind, neither of them counted, which meant Josh was my first, and he was the perfect candidate for the job. I went up on my tiptoes to get closer to him, filling myself with his essence and allowing him to somehow become a part of me. It was the best experience of my life.

He tasted familiar. The scent of his favorite cologne twirled around me, and I breathed him in. The thin hair around his mouth tickled when he deepened the kiss, and I let myself go, taking in the moment and marking my memory with every second.

Outside his door, I could hear his mom and dad talking. Just outside his window, I could hear chickens clucking and the normal sounds of his family farm, but everything seemed to combine into a single buzzing sound as my skin flushed, and every nerve ending in my body sizzled.

Just as I was about to lift my arms and wrap them around his neck to hold him to me, he pulled back and broke the kiss. He sucked in a shocked breath, as if he had even surprised himself, and my eyes skimmed over his swollen kiss stung lips before I moved up and got caught in his dark brown eyes.

“Shit. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that, but—”

I didn’t want him to take it back. I didn’t want to hear excuses. I only wanted more. So, before he could finish his sentence, I pulled his head back down to mine and kissed him again. This time, I wrapped my arms around his neck, and he locked his hard arms around my waist.

He would be leaving me soon, and I wasn’t sure when we would see each other again. If I was going to be away from my family and friends and halfway across the United States in Texas—if I was going to be away from my Josh, my lifeline—I was at least taking a moment of perfection with me. I needed something to get me through all the lonely nights I knew were headed my way.

His fingers dug into my hips, pulling me so close I could feel the rise and fall of his breaths against my chest, and I lost my fingers into the thickness of his dark hair. A moan sounded, and the only reason I knew I made the noise was because my throat vibrated. He responded with a similar sound before pulling away once again and resting his forehead against mine.

“What are we doing?” he breathed, his hot breath rushing over my lips and making me ache to kiss him again.

“I don’t know, but I like it.”

He grinned, the dimple on his left cheek winking back at me. “Me too.”

I loved Josh.

I kind of always knew I did, but it was as if his kiss had unlocked the deeper feelings.

“What does this mean?” I asked.

I had never felt like an overly dramatic girl in my life, but at that moment, I heard it in my voice.

The worry.

The need to know and label what it was we were doing.

I hated girls who did that type of shit, yet there I was, asking Josh the same annoying question.

“I’m not sure. I just don’t want to fuck up what we have, you know?”

I nodded, agreeing that our friendship was too special to screw up. “I know.”

Again, he tucked my stray hairs behind my ear before letting his long finger slide down the side of my cheek. He had never looked at me the way he was looking at me or touched me the way he was touching me. I didn’t hate it, even if it was awkward and different.

“I say we figure it all out when we get back and things settle down. There’s no need to start something when we’re both leaving. Does that make sense?”

Again, I agreed.

“Good.” He smiled. “Until then, promise to miss me as much I’m going to miss you. I know I’m going to think about you every second of every day.”

I smiled up at him, feeling feminine and wanted for the first time ever.

“I promise.”

12

Josh

Pulling away from Jenny was harder than I expected it to be, but I was glad I moved away when I did because as soon as I did, my older sister, Genie, came crashing through my bedroom door.

“Are you ready to go, shithead?” she asked, smiling as she fell back on my bed.

“Get off my bed, Genie. I don’t want your crotch crickets infecting my sheets.”

Jenny laughed at that, and I grinned over at her, enjoying the sound of her laughter.

“Fuck you with a big one, little brother. Get your shit and let’s go. Jimmy’s waiting in the car.”

“I’ll be out in a second,” I said, hoping Genie would leave and give me and Jenny a few more minutes alone.

“Half a second,” she said as she stood from my bed and left the room.

“Well, this is it,” I said to Jenny as I grabbed my duffel from my bed.

“Yep. This is it. I guess I’ll see you soon.”

The look on her face was heartbreaking, and I couldn’t help but touch her once more. I reached up and cupped her cheek, feeling the heat of her skin against my rough palm.

“Remember your promise,” I said, hoping she thought about me as much as I knew I was going to be thinking about her while I was gone.

“I will.”

Before I pulled her in and kissed her once more, I turned away and left the room.

After hugging my mom and dad goodbye, I climbed into my sister’s Ford Explorer and waved goodbye to my parents and Jenny who were standing on the front porch.

Once we pulled out and started the trip, I sat quietly in the back seat while Genie and her husband, Jimmy, drove me to Fort Jackson in Columbia for processing.

My decision to go into the Army wasn’t something I made lightly, but without my parents telling me, I knew college wasn’t something my family could afford. And while Jenny had always had the brains to earn scholarships, I played football all four years of high school. College scouts didn’t often come to our small town, and even if they had, my grades were never great. I did well enough to stay on the team and graduate.

Without the option of college, I knew I wanted a camouflage future. At least in the military, I could blow shit up and get my hands dirty. It seemed like a good plan until I was walking away from Jenny. I hadn’t expected it to be so hard to leave her and my family behind. Even though I was only going another state over to Georgia for basic training, it felt like thousands of miles every time I thought about Jenny not being a few minutes down the road from me.

I closed my eyes and thought of our last minutes together. The combustion I felt when our lips touched. I wasn’t sure what had possessed me to go for it. All that pent-up emotion and desire spilled over when I knew I had to say goodbye. I couldn’t leave her, knowing the way I felt about her—not knowing if I would get to come back before she left for college in Texas—without at least showing her a glimpse of my heart. And so, with no clue whether our friendship would survive another kiss, I leaned in and kissed her. But what was crazier than that was the fact she had kissed me back.

When everything was said and done, and if it was what she wanted, as well, I was going to change the shape of our relationship. Over the years and through a few girlfriends and hook-ups, I realized one very important thing about myself.

I was in love with Jenny Michaels, and I wanted to be with her.

Not for her body, which was hidden perfection, but because she was my best friend. She knew me like no one else, and I knew her. She cared about me and my well-being, not because she wanted something from me like the other girls, but because she was a genuine person. Jenny made me laugh and enjoyed doing the things I enjoyed doing. We were perfect for each other. I just didn’t notice or understand until I was older and wiser.

I was going to be the lucky fucker who got her. Technically, I was the lucky fuck who had always had her. After years of being near her, of knowing her and slowly falling in love with the person she was, I was going to step up and say the words.

You’re mine.

And she was. Just as I was hers.

There were other girls, but she was only one who got me.

I rode in the back of Genie’s SUV watching as the sun peaked in the sky, and with my mind in the clouds and on Jenny, we seemed to make it Fort Jackson in no time.

Basic training was exactly as I expected it to be. After being processed, I was bussed to Fort Benning, and as soon as I stepped foot off the bus, things got intense.

“Move it,” the first drill sergeant I saw said to each recruit as we exited the bus. “Drop those bags and line up! Move! Move! Move!”

Things didn’t seem to slow down from that point on. Whether I was running drills with my unit, rushing through obstacle courses, or inhaling my meal in the thirty seconds we had to eat in the chow hall, there was never a moment to stop and think about Jenny, much less figure out a way to call her since my sergeant refused to let us have our phones.

There were burns on my hands from the ropes course and blisters on my feet from breaking in my new combat boots. My body ached in a way I had never experienced, not even when Richard Clemmons, the biggest motherfucker on our defensive line at West Ridge High School, had stormed his way through the line and took me down several times in one practice. It was a whole other level of extreme, and I loved every second of it. I had never pushed my body so hard, and the exertion made for a hard night’s sleep.

What I hadn’t expected was the limited amount of personal time I would get. My conversations with Jenny and my family were few and far between, and I missed them like crazy. At night before I passed out from the day, I would lay and daydream about what it would be like when Jenny and I were together again. And when I closed my eyes, it was visions of her face that rocked me to sleep.

I dreamed of her on a nightly basis.

Her smile.

Her laughter.

The way she would slug me in the arm with the playful expression that I came to love so much.

I missed her so badly it stung, but it gave me a reason to push myself even harder during the drills. If I was moving, I wasn’t thinking, and if I wasn’t thinking, I wasn’t dwelling over Jenny and leaving her behind. Even if she was leaving for Texas soon, I still felt as though I was leaving her and not the other way around.

She was unable to make it to my first visitation because she was sick, and when I talked to her on the phone before my parents arrived, I could have sworn she was crying. The one thing I knew about Jenny was she never cried.

“Are you upset?” I asked into the phone, trying to keep the guys from my unit from hearing our conversation.

“I mean, yeah. I hate that I’m not there for you.”

“Are you crying?”

She chuckled a little through a few sniffles. I couldn’t tell if she was sniffling because she was crying or because she was sick. “You know better than that,” she said.

“Just a few more weeks and I’ll be home. Hopefully before you leave for Texas,” I assured her and myself.

“Hopefully.”

“Have you gone to the doctor?”

“Yeah.”

“What did they say?”

“They gave me a round of antibiotics. I should be as good as new in no time.”

“Maybe you can come and see me then?”

She sighed and sniffled. “Yeah. Maybe.”

She wasn’t saying much, and I didn’t know what that meant.

Did she regret our kisses?

Our touches?

The way I made her body weep with my fingers?

Was our relationship different?

Did I ruin our friendship?

“Are we okay?” I asked.

“What do you mean?”

She answered my question with a question. That was never a good thing.

“I mean, are we okay? Like after everything that happened.”

The kiss.

My hands inside your panties.

Why couldn’t I say it?

I wasn’t embarrassed by it, but I was scared to death that things would never be the same between us.

“Oh. Of course, we’re okay. I’m just not feeling well.”

I spent most of visitation wishing Jenny was there. I enjoyed my time with Mom and Dad, but a dark cloud hung over the moment, and I knew it was filled with worry. I hated not being able to go down the road with a bag of gummy bears and make things better.

By the time I was graduating from basic, Jenny and I were barely talking. It wasn’t for lack of trying, but it seemed something always came up. I got pulled away. Her phone died. We couldn’t Skype because the signal was shit.

It was always something.

When graduation came, and I saw her with my parents in the crowd, the sense of relief that moved over me made my knees shake. How I got through graduation without falling was beyond me. The second we were dismissed and able to socialize with our families, and I saw her across the field walking my way, my heart skipped a beat. We had never gone so long without seeing each other, and knowing things were different between us made it all the better.

Mom hugged me first, moving to the side so Dad could wrap an arm around my shoulder.

“I’m so proud of you, honey,” Mom said into my ear.

“Looks like you’re getting skinny. Are they feeding you here, boy?”

I nodded. “Yes, sir. We get plenty to eat.”

Genie stepped forward and hugged me, and my eyes went to Jenny, who was standing behind my family waiting her turn. She smiled and hugged herself.

She was nervous.

I understood. Even though Jenny and I were always together, I was feeling nervous myself.

She had on one of her nicer T-shirts and a pair of jeans that hugged her body like I had been dreaming of for the past few weeks. Her hair was down, which was rare, but she had a hair tie around her wrist, waiting until the appropriate time to pull it up into her signature ponytail.

“I guess I missed you, little brother.”

I chuckled. “Thanks. I guess I missed you too.”

Then it was Jenny’s turn.

I held my breath as she stepped into my arms, and I pulled her into me. Her long hair tickled my cheek, and I breathed her in, taking in her familiar scent and sighing in relief. I didn’t know if it was obvious to her and my family, but I wasn’t sure I cared.

“I missed you so fucking much,” I whispered in her ear.

Her arms tightened around me. “I missed you more.”

Impossible.

We went to a local restaurant to celebrate, and I ate like I hadn’t eaten properly in months. The food wasn’t terrible at basic, but everything was rushed, so I hadn’t enjoyed a meal since I entered. After we finished dinner, we sat around the table while everyone filled me in on the goings-on in town.

It was good to spend the day with my family after graduation, but I knew it couldn’t last long. I was checking in with my new unit at Sand Hill for One Station Unit Training that night, which meant I had to be back at the barracks to gather my belongings and check out of my unit for out processing.

Jenny had driven her dad’s truck, so when it was time for Mom and Dad to drop me off at the barracks, it also meant it was time for me to tell Jenny bye. I didn’t want to. I wanted to see more of her. I wanted her to stay longer.

I hugged her, and without thinking, I whispered in her ear. “Don’t leave yet. Come to the barracks.”

She pulled away with a look of confusion and then nodded her understanding.

I didn’t want to rush my parents and sister when they were dropping me off, but it was getting late, and I had seen Jenny pull in and park on the edge of the lot in the dark beneath a set of old oaks.

I waited until my parents and sister were loaded in the car and pulling away before I made my way across the dark parking lot to where Jenny was parked. She got out and closed the door behind her.

“Hey. Everything okay?” she asked with a concerned look on her gorgeous face.

I didn’t answer.

Instead, I went to her, collected her face in my palms, and kissed her like I would never kiss her again.

13

Jenny

I kissed him back. I had been dreaming of kissing him since he left for basic, but the second I saw him in his uniform, it was over. I couldn’t control myself. I pushed into him, needing to feel his body against mine. Needing to know he was there.

Being around him with his parents near had been hell. All I wanted to do was kiss him. Hold him to me. When he asked me to come back to the barracks, I was more than happy to do so.

I hadn’t expected him to move straight in with a kiss, but I wasn’t about to stop him. He pushed me against Daddy’s truck, and I lost my hands in his hair, knocking his hat from his head.

“I’ve wanted to do this all fucking day,” he said against my lips.

“Me too. What if we get caught out here?”

“I don’t care.”

We muttered between kisses.

His hands slid around my sides before moving down and cupping my ass. He pulled them away and began to move away, but I didn’t want that.

“Don’t stop,” I said, grabbing his hands and putting them back on my ass.

He chuckled against lips.

His tongue swiped against mine, and I moaned.

My moan triggered something, and he squeezed my ass and growled. He lifted me, and I wrapped my legs around his waist. Reaching behind me, I pulled at the door handle until it popped open.

I broke kiss and leaned down to nibble his neck.

“Fuck,” he breathed.

“Inside,” I directed.

We continued to kiss as we climbed into Dad’s truck. Once we were inside, I climbed onto his lap and straddled him. Thankfully, we were in a dark corner of the parking lot because it didn’t take long for Josh to pull my shirt off. He kissed my neck and worked his way down my chest until he was pulling my bra to the side and sucking my nipple.

I pulled his head to me, cradling it in my grasp while I threw my head back and let him feast on me.

“God, what are we doing?” I breathed.

He didn’t answer, and I was fine with that if his mouth stayed against my skin.

He moved to my other breast and sucked, moving his head back and forth as if he were devouring me. Already, I felt close to orgasm. My insides were trembling, my pussy throbbing. Grabbing his hand, I stuck it between my legs.

“Touch me,” I demanded.

He massaged me through my jeans, but it wasn’t enough. I needed more.

Pulling away, I leaned back and unbuttoned my jeans. Then I moved off his lap and pulled them down my thighs and over my calves until I had to pluck my shoes off to get them over my ankles.

“Jenny, maybe we should slow down,” he said at my side.

I looked over just as he reached down and rubbed at his hard-on.

“We won’t go too far. I just couldn’t feel you through my jeans,” I said as I straddled him again.

In only my bra and panties, I kissed him as I rocked back and forth in his lap, dry humping his hardness through his uniform. It wasn’t long until I was breathing hard and moaning. His fingers dug into my hips, controlling me and pulling me against him hard and fast.

“You feel so fucking good,” he said, nibbling at the skin just beneath my ear.

Still, it wasn’t enough. I wanted to feel more.

I reached down between us and unbuttoned his pants. His hand covered mine, stopping me.

“Jenny,” he whispered my name. “We’re in your dad’s truck,” he said as if I needed the reminder.

“I know. I don’t care.”

I swatted his hand away and unbuttoned and unzipped him until I could reach inside. Even through his boxers, I could feel how hot his flesh was. There was a small wet spot on his boxers that turned me on even more.

Once I reached the inside of his pants, I found the slit in his boxers, and my fingers were soon touching his rigid heat. He hissed as if I were causing him pain, but I knew it was pleasure he was feeling. I was still a virgin, but I wasn’t stupid. I had watched porn before, so I knew a little bit.

I fisted him, moving my hand up and down and jerking him off.

“Yes,” he whispered before he pulled my face to his and began to kiss me again.

He hardened in my grasp and bucked his hips. It was driving me crazy.

“I want you,” he said between kisses. “I want you so fucking bad.”

Why were we holding back?

This was Josh.

And I was on the pill.

I trusted him. He was safe. He didn’t have anything. This was stupid.

I stopped jerking him off and pulled my panties to the side.

“Oh God,” I moaned when I rubbed against him and felt his hot flesh directly against mine.

“Jenny, wait,” he said.

I looked down at him, able to see his expression in the moonlight.

He looked like he was in pain, his breath coming out rushed and his jaw tight.

“No,” I said, rubbing against him again and loving the feel of his hard silk against me.

“Are you sure?” he asked, letting go of the control.

I didn’t answer. Instead, I lifted, put the head of his cock at my entrance, and came down hard, penetrating myself with his hard heat.

I gasped at the pleasured pain. It hurt, but it felt amazing at the same time.

He looked up at me with wonder in his eyes.

“Did you just take your own virginity?”

I nodded, closing my eyes as I began to move on top of him in a way that lessened the sting and felt good against my inner walls.

His hands crept beneath my panties until he was cupping my bare ass and making the elastic of my cotton panties stretch and pop. His fingers dug in my flesh as I rode him, pulling me down onto him as he stared into my eyes.

His mouth opened and closed like he wanted to say something but couldn’t. I didn’t push; instead, I kept moving up and down, swiveling my hips in circles until I felt my stomach tighten with an impending orgasm. The closer it got, the sloppier my movements became. The pleasure was too much.

As if understanding my body, he leaned back, lifted me by the hips, and began fucking me from beneath. My eyes rolled back; the pain of his deeper thrusts mixed with the twinges of pleasure slowly building inside me.

“Don’t stop,” I begged, gripping his shoulders and letting him take control.

“God, you feel so good, Jenny. So fucking good.”

He repeated the words, pushing me closer and closer to the edge until my body ignited.

I screamed out once before the sound of my voice was stolen by my orgasm.

I came hard, my body going stiff above him while he drilled into me.

I was coming down from my climb when he cursed and flipped me over onto the bench seat. I rested one leg along the backrest, and the other fell to the floorboard as he pushed my legs open and went crazy. He fucked me hard and fast, his expression switching to something I had never seen before in the splashes of moonlight.

“I can’t get enough of you. I can’t. Ah God, Jenny. Ah,” he cried out, and then his face went lax while his body stiffened.

I felt the heat of his release seep inside me, and instead of pulling away from it, I dug my fingers into his backside and pulled him deeper. Knowing I was making him feel as good as he had made me feel almost pushed me into another orgasm, but before it could get started, he stopped, pushing deep one final time before he relaxed on top of me.

“Shit. I’m sorry,” he breathed against my neck. “I’ve never lost control like that.”

“I’m on the pill,” I reassured him.

“That was …” he started.

“Amazing,” I finished.

I felt him grin against my neck. Then he leaned back and looked down at me. “I love you, Jenny.”

I swallowed, emotion clogging my throat and making me feel like I was going to choke. “I love you too.”

“No. I mean, I’ve fallen in love with you. I’ve always loved you, but this is different.”

I smiled and nodded the best I could with my head against the seat. “I know. Me too.”

Unfortunately, we couldn’t stay there in the moment. Josh had to get back for out processing. He helped me dress and fixed his clothes before we got out of the truck and back into the night air.

“I hope I’m back home before you leave for Texas,” he said.

I wasn’t about to let the awkward come back. I moved closer to him and hugged him around the waist. “Me too. You need to get back. Call me when you can?”

He pulled back and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. “I miss you already.”

And then he leaned in and kissed me once more.

“Go before I keep you,” I said again his mouth as I pushed against his chest.

He chuckled.

“I’ll call you the second I can. Be careful driving home. And Jenny …”

“Yeah?”

“I meant it when I said I love you.”

My heart bloomed.

“I meant it too.”

We hugged once more before he quickly jogged across the parking lot. I got inside and cranked the truck, but I didn’t leave until I could no longer see him.

I had given myself to Josh, and it felt as though he had given himself to me. It wasn’t the best time since we couldn’t really talk it through, but it still felt like the perfect moment. It happened at the right time with the right person.

Josh was the one.

He would always be the one.

14

Josh

Advanced individual training was more casual, and I was given more phone time, but it seemed Jenny was busier now that I wasn’t. She was preparing for her move to Texas and dealing with school stuff. I couldn’t complain because I understood what she was going through just as she understood me being busy.

Four weeks later, I graduated from advanced individual training. I was excited to get a brief break and go home to see Jenny and my family. Jenny hadn’t left for school yet, which meant I was going to get a week with her before she left for Texas.

My excitement was shattered the following day as I was checking out of my unit. I picked up my cell and called Jenny before I even called my parents. The phone rang twice before she answered.

“Hey, you!” she sang into my ear. “Today’s the day! I can’t wait to see you!”

I grinned.

Just hearing her voice soothed everything, but knowing I was going to have to take away her excitement made me angry and aggravated. I hated hurting Jenny. She had never realized it, but she always got her way when it came to me. This would be the second time I wasn’t going to be able to give her what she wanted.

Me.

“Hey. Listen … I’m not coming home,” I said, gripping my cell tightly.

She went silent, and I could hear her breathing.

“Why not?”

There was break in her voice. She was upset.

“I’m being stationed in Afghanistan.”

As soon as I said it, I knew she was going to flip.

“What! All the way to another fucking country? Can they do that this soon?”

I closed my eyes, hating that I was upsetting her. Hating that I was missing her so much I was seriously considering running away for the night just to drive home and see her.

“Yeah. It’s my job now, but once I get settled, I’ll call you. I wanted to be there to see you before you left for Texas, but we knew there was a possibility that might not happen.”

“I know.”

“You’re going to be great, smart girl. Try not to fall in love with any cowboys in Texas.”

She chuckled softly, but I could hear the sadness in her voice. “Yeah, like that’s going to happen.”

“Hey, you never know.”

“It’s not going to happen. I promise.”

I swallowed, knowing I had no right to ask her to wait for me, but the urge to say the words was there, pushing at the back of my throat.

It wasn’t fair to her. I had spent all of high school keeping guys away from her while I dated. She had been a virgin until that night with me. I couldn’t very well take away her college experiences, as well. No matter how badly the thought of another guy touching her killed me.

“Listen, Jen, have fun, okay? Do things. Date.”

“Are you saying we aren’t changing things between us?”

She didn’t say the words, but I knew what she meant.

No.

We weren’t going to start being a couple. Not like this.

“It’s just until we’re back in South Carolina. When that happens, we’ll talk about it more. That’s if you haven’t moved on by that point.”

“Not going to happen.”

I smiled, but I knew there was some truth and possibility to my words.

“Are you going to see other women while you’re in Afghanistan? I mean, you know? Are you going to be with other girls?”

I could hear the awkwardness in her words. She wanted to know if I would wait for her. While I didn’t have the balls to ask her to wait for me, mostly because I felt like I had already taken so many experiences away from her, Jenny wasn’t one to beat around the bush.

“No,” I answered. “I’m going to wait for you.”

“Then I’ll do the same.”

“I don’t want you do that, Jen. I feel like I’m taking something away from you.”

“You are. You’re taking you away from me, but I get it, and I understand now’s not a good time.”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered into the phone.

“No, you were right. We have to start our lives, but Josh?”

“Yeah?”

“Please come home safe to me.”

“I will. I promise.”

And that was the first time I ever broke a promise to Jenny.

15

Jenny

The weeks dragged by, but sadly, Josh wasn’t coming back after training like we had hoped. The day before he was scheduled to return home, he was handed his orders for deployment. They stationed him in Afghanistan, and without being able to see his family or me one more time, he was on a plane and on his way across the ocean.

It wasn’t like we even talked much during the weeks before his deployment. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I had hoped Josh and I would get to talk constantly while he was at Fort Benning. That was not what happened. We talked a handful of times before he was deployed, and I left for Texas. Basic training had taken a ton out of him, and by the time he was in the less strict environment of advanced individual training, I was the one too busy preparing for school.

Fucking Afghanistan.

I mean, seriously, could they have sent him any farther away?

I was once again devastated we would be so far apart from each other. We talked even less from that point on since I was usually sleeping when he was awake and vice versa. I moved into my dorm with a few things since I didn’t want to bring a ton from South Carolina, and I mostly kept to myself. My dormmate, Daria, a goth girl from Seattle, was even more of an introvert than I was. We passed each other between classes, but most nights, she slept away from our dorm, leaving me to live alone, which was fine by me.

Even with everything going on—my classes, getting adjusted to college life, and trying to keep up with my rigorous schedule—I managed to keep my mind on Josh. I missed him so much it made me feel sick, and I felt more than pathetic about it. I couldn’t focus in class like I wanted, and my notes were a mess. I found myself googling things about Afghanistan when I sat down in front of my laptop to do homework.

After seeing pictures of the devastation of a war-torn country, I would spend the remaining hours worrying about him.

Was he safe?

Did he have friends who had his back?

And if he was safe, was he spending his time thinking about me as much as I thought about him?

Did he regret our last moments together?

Did he regret having sex with me?

Did I force myself on him?

I was probably the only woman in the world to break her own hymen.

I didn’t know. Maybe he wasn’t as busy as he said, and instead, he was avoiding me because he didn’t know how to tell me he had been wrong about his feelings. That he didn’t love me, and he should have never said it. If that were the case, I wanted him to know I would take him any way I could get him. I had been nothing but friends with Josh for twelve years. I had no problem whatsoever keeping it that way. No matter how much my heart and body felt differently.

The days passed, and before long, I was a few weeks into my first college semester. My days were a mix of classwork and homework, and my nights were spent hovering over my cell and laptop, waiting to hear from Josh.

I was in English, the professor going on about a literary assignment I had no interest in. With my cell on silent, I had no idea it had been going off the entire time. Once class was over and I was able to pull my phone out, I saw that I had five missed calls from Lilly. I tried to call her back, but her phone kept giving me a busy signal, which did nothing to keep my panic at bay.

I had barely stepped foot into my dorm when I got a terrifying call from Lilly. She was calm because that was her way, but I could hear the shaking and worry in her voice.

 “Hey, hon, how’s school going?”

“It’s good. What’s wrong? Is Emma okay? Devin? Dad? The baby?”

She sighed, and I knew I was right in thinking something was wrong.

“Yeah. We’re all fine.” She went silent, making my skin crawl. “It’s Josh.”

My heart slammed to a halt, and my breath was sucked from my lungs.

“What about him? Did something happen?”

“He was injured.”

“What?” My voice broke with the word.

I was sure I hadn’t heard her correctly.

“Josh was injured in Afghanistan. The convoy he was traveling with struck an IED. A few of the guys didn’t make it.”

My legs went weak beneath me, and I dropped to my small twin-sized bed.

“Is he okay?” My words were strained and whispered as if my throat refused to speak my fears into the world.

“He’s alive,” she said, sending nausea and relief through my body like a black wave.

“I’m coming home. I’m leaving now,” I said adamantly.

“No. Don’t rush back home. He’s not here. Stay in Texas. There’s no need to miss any class when he’s not even on American soil. You have exams to study for. I’ll call you once he’s home and settled, and then I’ll fly you home.”

I exhaled, rubbing at my aching chest with a shaking hand.

“But shouldn’t I—”

“Jenny, there’s nothing you can do right now,” she said, cutting me off.

“Okay. Please keep me posted, Lilly. As soon you as hear anything, call me.”

“I will. I promise.”

I wasn’t sure if I said goodbye or not. I just remember setting my cell on the table and staring at the wall in front of me until the sun slid down to the bottom, and the wall became dark.

The next morning, I skipped class so I could make phone calls to his family and get the answers I needed, but no one answered. With everything going on back home, I didn’t blame them for not answering.

A week passed, and I called Lilly every day until I was sure she was annoyed with me. Finally, she had news for me. Josh was transported from Afghanistan and was now in a hospital in Germany. We all knew he was alive, but getting more details was difficult for the family. Either that, or they didn’t want me to know the important details. Maybe that was for the best, though, since I was driving myself crazy with worry.

I attempted going to class, but I was barely paying attention. I lived in sweats and stained T-shirts. I was too stressed to even think about laundry or daily things. I showered and brushed my teeth, but that was the best I could do. I had made promises to Lilly to keep myself together, and I was trying to do just that.

I didn’t get any form of relief for almost three weeks when Lilly finally called to tell me Josh was home in Walterboro and settled at his parents’ house. I was packing my bag as soon as the words left her mouth, and within three hours of our phone call, I was on a plane and on my way to Josh.

Lilly picked me up from the airport alone. Devin was at home with Emma, which I appreciated since I wasn’t sure I could be bubbly Aunt Jenny with so many terrible things bouncing around my head.

Instead of taking me back to Dad’s, Lilly took me directly to Josh’s house. When she pulled up in the horseshoe driveway, she put her little car in park and turned toward me.

“I’ll wait here if you want,” she said, patting my shaking leg.

“No. I’m not leaving him. Go home to Emma and get some rest. I’ll call you later. Thank you for everything.”

I didn’t wait for her to respond before I climbed from her car and shut the passenger side door. Adjusting my bag on my shoulder, I sprinted to the front door and knocked. No one answered right away. It wasn’t until the third knock that the doorknob turned.

Genie opened the door, her big brown eyes rimmed in sadness and gloom.

“Hey,” she said.

“Hey.”

Usually, she would walk away from the open door, expecting me to follow her and close it, but this time was different. She closed the door around her body, not allowing me to see inside the home I had practically grown up in, and her face went stiff.

“What’s up?” I asked. “I’m here to see Josh.”

She looked behind her as if she were asking what to do. When she turned back around, her face was pale.

“He’s sleeping.”

I moved closer to the door. “That’s fine. I won’t wake him. I just want to see him.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” she responded, her slim fingers turning white with her tight hold on the front door.

“Genie, what the fuck? Just let me in. I don’t have time for this.”

Her usual smartassed expression was wiped clean, and instead, her eyes softened as if she were truly sorry for keeping me out.

“Jenny, I can’t.”

“Why not?” I asked, confused.

“Because he doesn’t want to see you.”

An invisible dagger lodged itself in my heart.

“Excuse me?”

She frowned and cleared her throat. “I said, he doesn’t want to see you.”

That was a lie.

“Did he really say that?” I asked, sure she was full of shit.

Her face grew even softer, and she nodded, the knot of hair on the top of her head shifting with the movement. “He did.”

I could hardly believe what I was hearing.

This wasn’t right at all.

“Why the hell not? This is stupid. Just let me in,” I repeated, pressing my hand against the door to push it open.

The heavy oak door didn’t budge.

“For real, Jenny. This is serious. He specifically said not to let you in. He’ll call you when he’s up to it, okay?”

I reached up and tugged on my ponytail. This was unacceptable. I had rushed from Texas to see him, and that was exactly what I was going to do.

“No. I rushed all the way here from Texas. I’ve been miserable. I just need to see him. I just need to know he’s okay.”

Tears pressed at the back of my eyelids, but it would be over my dead body before I cried in front of someone.

She tugged the door closer as if she thought I was going to force my way inside, and she said, “I’m sorry. He’ll call you.”

She moved back and tried to close the door in my face, shocking me and breaking my heart at the same time, but I wasn’t having it. I shoved my foot in the opening, keeping her from closing the door, and using all the strength I owned, I pushed on the door with both palms, slamming the door open and pushing Genie back.

“What the fuck, Jenny!”

I ignored her, making my way to Josh’s room. It was a path I had taken countless times before. Genie called out my name, but I kept moving until I found myself crashing through Josh’s door.

He was standing next to his window looking out at the pasture behind their place. His arm was in a cast, and there was dark bruising beneath his eyes. A large cut pulled at the side of his mouth, and a bandage covered part of his chin. He turned toward me with wide eyes and shook his head.

“Josh.” His name escaped my lips like a prayer. “Why didn’t you want to see me?” I asked, feeling angry with him yet relieved to see him at the same time.

He shook his head, his eyes emotionless as he looked back at me. “It’s not a good time, Jen.”

I crossed my arms over my chest, refusing to leave.

“I tried to stop her,” Genie huffed behind me. “But you know how stubborn Jenny can be.”

At his sister’s words, the side of his mouth tilted into a ghost of a grin. “Yeah. It’s okay, Genie. Just give us a minute.”

I shut the door in Genie’s face, hearing her bitch behind the thick wood.

“I can’t believe you,” I said, throwing my arms in the air in frustration. “We’ve been through everything together. Did you really think I wasn’t going to push my way in here?”

“This is different,” he whispered.

I had never seen Josh so defeated. His skin was pale, and his eyes were dead and full of sadness. He looked everywhere but directly in my eye.

“You’re damn right it’s different, but it doesn’t matter. I’m here. I’ll always be here for you, Josh.”

He dropped his gaze and shook his head. “Please leave. I don’t want to see you right now.”

I sucked in a breath as if he had struck me, but instead of lashing out, I nodded and backed away toward his door.

“Is this because of what I did?”

His brows pulled low in confusion. “What did you do?”

“I was on top. I mean, if you didn’t want to, then you should have …”

“Oh my God!” He flipped the switch, going from sad and soft-spoken to angry. “Sex with you is the last thing on my fucking mind, Jenny! Get out!”

“But, Josh—” I started.

“I said get out!” He cut me off, and I flinched at his words.

He had never talked to me like that.

My words were sucked out of me, the pain inside burning them before they reached my tongue. I turned away from him before he could see me cry and fled his bedroom. I heard his mom call out to me as I cut through the house toward the front door, but I didn’t respond.

The front door slammed behind me before I ran down the steps of the front porch and began to jog across the yard to the driveway. I couldn’t get away from that house and him fast enough.

I probably should have called Lilly to come and get me, but I couldn’t think straight. Instead, I ran and jogged the five miles to my house.

Dad and Devin were in the front yard when I came running up the driveway. I hadn’t even realized I was crying.

“Jenny?” my dad called out to me.

“What happened? What did he do?” Devin asked, ready for a fight without even knowing the details.

Ignoring them, I ran up the stairs to the house and through the door. I didn’t stop until I was standing in the center of the kitchen, staring back at Lilly who had Emma on her hip.

“Aunt Jenny!” Emma exclaimed with happiness.

I didn’t respond. Instead, I just stood there staring back at them.

“Jenny? Are you okay?” Lilly asked, but before I could answer, the room shifted around me.

I reached out for the counter, feeling myself lose the fight with my balance, but my legs went weak before I could catch myself. I passed out in the center of the kitchen and dropped to the floor in a heap of sweaty heartache.

16

Josh

When I woke in a hospital in Germany, I was no longer the boy I used to be. War was no fucking joke, and getting blown to hell by an IED wasn’t either. Physically, I had cuts and bruises from flying debris. My right arm was broken, and I had a few broken fingers and two broken ribs. My lower stomach and thighs were killing me thanks to a piece of heavy metal that landed on top of me and crushed one of my testicles.

The doctors said I would be able to perform again, but I would never father children. The fucked-up part was, the piece of metal that took away my ability to have a family was also the reason I survived. It had taken from me and shielded me at the same time.

I couldn’t complain.

At least I was alive.

Others hadn’t been so lucky.

We lost three men that day, and everyone in the convoy was injured. My buddy Clark lost both his legs, and Johnson, the oldest in our group, had lost an arm, and the side of his face was burned to hell. I had been lucky, and Ashley, the only woman traveling in our convoy who had been sitting directly beside me, had been lucky, as well.

At least that was what I thought.

It wasn’t until a week later that all the terrible stuff began to happen. I began to slowly lose touch with reality. I was experiencing extreme headaches and irrational bouts of anger. I kept forgetting where I was, and I would freak out, thinking I was lost. Sometimes, small flashes of memory would explode in my brain and push me over the edge. I would find myself swinging at everything and nothing all at once. The flight from Germany had almost done me in.

I thought for sure once my bones healed, I could get my shit straight and get back in the field, but that wasn’t going to happen. I hadn’t expected the severe bouts of anxiety that had me thinking everyone was out to kill me or the terrible nightmares that left me breathless and grabbing for guns that were no longer at my side.

The explosion happened several times a day from that point on. Except no one else heard it or saw it. I was left looking like a crazed maniac who was dangerous not only to myself but everyone around me too.

By the time I reached American soil, I knew I was no longer the Josh my family and friends remembered. The carefree me was long gone, and in his stead was a crazy fucker who had delusions and could snap at the drop of a hat.

My parents welcomed me home with open arms, but I knew I couldn’t stay. I never wanted to be a burden on them, and while I was physically doing well, mentally I was a mess. I never felt at ease, even in my own bed in the home I grew up in.

Word moved through a small town like a tsunami, filling people’s mouths with the gossip of my injuries and how bad it was or wasn’t. I knew it was only a matter of time before Jenny came running home from Texas for me. I wasn’t even home for twenty-four hours before she came bursting into my bedroom. Her hair was unruly, and her cheeks were flushed. She was wild with worry for me, and at that moment, she had been the most beautiful creature I had ever laid eyes on.

I wanted to go to her. I needed her to hold me and tell me I everything was going to be okay. Jenny had always been a comfort in my life. My best friend. The person who knew me better than I knew myself, but I loved Jenny enough to know I was no good for her. I cared about her too much to put all my bullshit on her.

I couldn’t see her, and I especially didn’t want her to see me. Not in the shape I was in. I didn’t want her to see me so broken and fucked up. I needed help, and while Jenny had always been the one to get me through the hard times in my life, I knew what was going on with me was too much for her.

Even though it was more painful than any explosion of war, I did something I had never done before. I pushed her away. I yelled at her, treating her in a way no candy could ever fix. I was essentially throwing rocks at her to keep her away from a dangerous boulder.

Me.

I was unsafe.

And over my dead body would I put her in any kind of jeopardy.

She fled my room before her tears could fall, and I appreciated that. I wasn’t sure I could keep it up if she cried, but I knew it was for the best. I wouldn’t do this to her. I wouldn’t pull her down with me. My life was over, but hers was just beginning. I loved her enough to leave her alone and let her go, and that was exactly what I was doing.

When you were as broken as I was and you loved something, you set it free and prayed to God it stayed gone.

17

Jenny

“Would you like to ask your family to leave the room before I give you, you’re results?” the ER doctor asked when he entered the room.

Oh God.

I was dying.

I had a brain tumor or an aneurysm. My mind went over all the things that could make me pass out and kill me, and I felt my heart rate speed up.

Death.

It was the only reason he would ask a question like that. He didn’t want my family to be there to get the terrible news that I was slowly dying from some terrible disease.

Lilly reached out and took my hand reassuringly, somehow knowing I was on the verge of freaking out.

I shook my head and squeezed her hand.

“No. Just give it to me straight, Doc.”

“Well … you’re pregnant, Miss Michaels,” the ER doctor said without even looking at me.

The sip of water Devin had been taking from the little plastic cup a nurse had given him spewed, and he started to choke. My dad’s face paled, and Lilly’s hand went limp in mine.

“What the fuck?” Devin said, swiping at his mouth.

The doctor didn’t seem to notice my family’s reaction to the news. If he had, then he played it off nicely. He scratched notes on the pages on his clipboard and checked his watch before marking the time on the paper.

“That’s impossible,” I stated, positive his equipment and tests were faulty.

“Excuse me?” Finally, he looked up at me.

He was an older man, his salt and pepper hair thinning up top and his blue eyes watery.

I looked around the room, taking in the worried faces of my family.

“I mean, I’m on the pill. I’ve been on the pill since I was fourteen to regulate my period. Not to mention, I’m not having sex.”

My dad and Devin breathed a sigh of relief, trusting my word and sure that the doctor had it wrong.

The doctor cleared his throat and scratched at his temple in confusion. “I’m sorry. Are you saying you’re a virgin?”

Suddenly, I wished I had cleared the room before having this talk with the doctor. It wasn’t fun admitting you were no longer a virgin in front of your dad and overprotective brother.

“Well, I mean, there was once, but that was—”

“Once is all it takes,” the doctor interrupted me.

“Shit,” Devin muttered, standing and leaving the room.

He almost ripped the curtain down separating the space we were in from the person next to us when he left. My cheeks flooded with heat, embarrassed for myself and for the way my brother was acting.

Lilly stood and patted my shoulder. “I’ll go check on him.”

Once she left the room, Dad scratched at the back of his neck and cleared his throat nervously. “I think I’ll just give y’all a minute.”

It’s not like it mattered at that point, but I was relieved when everyone left.

“I understand it only takes once, but like I said, I’m on the pill,” I repeated.

“Do you take it like you’re supposed to?” he asked.

I snickered; positive I had done what I was supposed to do. I took my pill like clockwork at the same time every night. “Without fail every night.”

“Hmm. Have you been on any antibiotics lately? Some affect the potency of the birth control pill.”

“Nope,” I answered confidently. “I haven’t been on any kind of …” And then I paused.

The memory of being too sick to go to visitation and see Josh flashed through my mind. I had been on antibiotics for fourteen days thanks to a serious upper respiratory infection.

My mind spun like a top.

Birth control.

Antibiotics.

Potency.

The words rushed through my brain like a freight train.

“Son of a bitch,” I muttered to myself, running my palms over my stomach in shock.

The doctor covered his mouth, hiding his smile I was sure.

I had missed my period, although I had been too busy to even think about it. I had missed periods before. It was the main reason I was even on the birth control pill. Still, I began counting the days in my mind.

As if realizing what I was doing, the doctor said, “Based on the date of your last period, you’re about twelve weeks, but you’ll know more after you first OB appointment. Do you have any questions?”

He wasn’t serious.

I had about a million and two questions, but at that moment, nothing came to mind. I shook my head, feeling the disbelief setting in. There was a baby in my stomach somewhere. Swimming around like it wasn’t about to rock my world and turn my life upside down.

The doctor handed me my discharge papers, and I closed my numb fingers around them. I checked out of the hospital on autopilot and met my family in the waiting room.

The drive home from the hospital was quiet. I sat in the back of Devin and Lilly’s Expedition beside my dad and kept my eyes out the window, watching as the town passed by.

I waited for someone to start asking questions or, at the very least, freak out, but that didn’t happen. Devin stewed as he drove, simmering like a pot until I was sure he would boil over and explode. Lilly looked over at him from the passenger seat every few minutes to see if he was ready to burst.

And Dad … he didn’t even look at me.

Nineteen and pregnant. It wasn’t exactly how I had planned my life, but before I made any crazy decisions, I needed to talk to Josh. He would know what to do. He would make everything better, but I wasn’t sure if it was a good time. He had just gotten home from a terrible experience. Not to mention, he wasn’t even willing to see me, but I wouldn’t give up. This was Josh. My best friend. The first man I ever loved, and the first person and hopefully the last person I ever gave my body to.

When we pulled into the driveway, it was late. Devin didn’t speak to me, but Lilly turned my way, and said, “Go inside and get some rest. I’ll come by tomorrow, and we’ll have lunch and talk, okay?”

I nodded, reaching over to open the door to get out.

“See you at work tomorrow,” Dad said to Devin. “Lilly, get home and put your feet up, baby. Our little wild boy will be here before you know it.”

He leaned up and kissed her on the cheek before he opened his door, got out, and went inside.

Everyone was either disappointed in me or in shock like I was.

I stood on the porch until the Devin’s taillights disappeared. I didn’t bother going inside. Instead, I took the steps and went to Dad’s truck. He left his keys in his truck since it wasn’t worth much, and we lived in the middle of nowhere, and I climbed inside and cranked it. He never said anything when I borrowed his truck every now and again, so I didn’t worry.

I pulled out and took the route to Josh’s place. It was later than I would have liked, but there had been countless nights when I used his bedroom window to go inside and play video games long after his momma sent me home.

I parked close to their driveway without being noticed and cut the engine. The rocky road of his driveway crunched beneath my shoes, and when his daddy’s dog, a German Shepherd named Ralph, came around the side of the house and toward me, I was never so happy that instead of barking at me, he tried to jump on me and lick my face.

“Down, Ralph,” I whispered.

He followed me to Josh’s window, which thankfully was on the front of the house facing the main road. Going to his window, I went up on my tiptoes and tried to peek through the blinds to make sure no one was in the room with him. The light was on, and from what I could see, no one was inside the room.

Josh never locked his window. So, when I slid my palms along the glass to lift it, it popped out of the windowsill easily and slid up. I pushed the blinds to the side and used the muscles in my arms to lift myself up and into his bedroom. Once inside, I shook out my shirt and sat on the edge of his bed. If his light was on, then he wouldn’t be gone long.

Two minutes passed before his door opened, and he limped inside. He was naked from the waist up with a towel wrapped around his hips. His broken arm was in a plastic sling, keeping his cast from getting wet, and my eyes went to his chest and the healing cuts and scars that weren’t there before.

He closed the door and turned when he finally noticed me there.

“What are you doing here?” he snapped. “You shouldn’t be in here.”

What was going on?

I understood he had been through a lot, but none of this was making any sense.

I stood and started toward him but stopped when he held out a hand.

“Don’t come near me,” he spat.

“Josh, I want to be there for you. Let me back in.”

He shook his head, his hand going to the doorknob to leave.

“Wait,” I called out, stopping him. “I need to tell you something. It’s probably terrible timing, but you should know that I’m …”

“I said get out!” he screamed, interrupting me just as I was about to tell him I was pregnant. “I don’t care about you. Don’t you get it? I never want to see you again, so just get the fuck out of my room!”

“But Josh, I need to tell …”

Just then, his dad came bursting through the door, having heard Josh’s screaming.

“What the hell, Jenny? We told you it wasn’t a good time.”

“I understand, sir, but …”

“No buts. Come with me,” he said, reaching out and pulling me by the arm.

I couldn’t leave yet.

Josh needed to know I was pregnant.

I needed his opinion on what we should do about it.

“Wait, Josh, this is about us!” I called out, pushing my hand against the doorframe to stop Mr. Black from pulling me out of the room.

Josh reached out; his eyes angry with me as he roughly pulled my fingers from his doorframe. “There is no us. There will never be an us. Let it go.”

And then his dad pulled me out of the doorway, and Josh slammed the door in my face.

The fight left my body, and my brain went numb. I didn’t fight as Mr. Black showed me to the front door.

 “Just give him time,” he said as he pulled the front door open for me to leave.

I stepped onto the porch in shock and nodded. I couldn’t use my words. Nothing would come out. I stood there staring back at Mr. Black as he slowly closed the front door in my face. Once the door was closed, I crumpled. Tears soaked my face as I walked across the front yard and back toward Dad’s truck.

I had never felt this kind of pain before. Heartbreak was a bitch.

When I got back to the house, the lights were out, and Dad was in his room. I locked up and went to my room. I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. Tears soaked my pillow until exhaustion set in, and I finally fell asleep.

I woke the next morning to find Devin sitting at the foot of the bed. His head was in his hands, and his breathing was accelerated. I knew my brother. He had spent the night stewing, and the anger had reached the boiling point.

“Dev?” I sat up on my elbows and blinked the sleep out of my eyes.

“Who is he? I’ll kill the motherfucker with my bare hands.”

“Dev. Don’t be like this.”

“I don’t want to hear another word, Jennifer.” I gasped at his use of my full name. He never called me by my full name. No one did. He was pissed. Livid. “The next word that comes out of your mouth better be his name. That’s all.”

I tossed my blanket back and stood from my bed. “Devin, I’m nineteen. What were you doing when you were nineteen, huh?”

“This isn’t about me!” he exploded, jumping from my bed. “This is about my little sister, whose future is now fucking ruined. College, Jenny. You were there. You were about to change the world. And now …” he paused and shook his head.

“And now, what?”

He chuckled; the sound eviler than anything I had heard in my life. “His name. I want his fucking name.”

“Why? What will you do?”

“I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll drive to Texas and rip his fucking balls off. That’s what!”

Texas?

I didn’t even think about everyone believing I’d gone to school and got knocked up. An idea formed in my mind.

I couldn’t tell him Josh was the one. Josh had already been through so much, and it wasn’t technically his fault. I told him I was on the pill, and I was. I was the one to climb on top of him, not the other way around.

This was my fault.

I didn’t want Josh to find out this way. I didn’t want anyone to find out this way, but it was happening, and if I could do anything to keep Devin from going to Josh’s house and breaking even more bones, then I would.

“I can’t give you his name.”

“What do mean, you can’t give me his name?”

“I can’t give you his name because I don’t remember it.”

Devin’s eyes grew wide, his mouth curling up in disgust.

“Excuse me? You’re trying to tell me you fucked some random dude, and you didn’t even know his fucking name?” he yelled, telling the entire house for me. “That’s not like you, Jenny. Try again!”

Tears pressed at my eyes, threatening to spill.

The crying thing was for the birds. I had never cried or felt the need to cry so much in my fucking life.

Stupid pregnancy hormones.

“It’s the truth,” I whispered, suddenly feeling exhausted as if I hadn’t slept at all the night before.

“Explain right fucking now.”

“I went to a party with my dormmate. I wasn’t thinking, and I was homesick. So, I drank a lot. The next thing I know, I woke up next to some guy. I didn’t wake him. I got up, dressed, and left.”

“You don’t know the father?”

“No.”

His face was fire red, his nostrils flaring with his heated breaths. If I didn’t know Devin, I would be scared to death, but he would never put his hands on me. Especially knowing I was pregnant.

The word pregnant rang through my mind, pinging against the nerve endings until I felt like my head was going to pop. Then my stomach flipped, and nausea began to turn. I covered my mouth and gagged before I took off toward the bathroom. I barely made it to the toilet before I threw up everything from the day before.

I heaved, clutching the sides of the cool toilet bowl until nothing was left. I felt a cold washcloth slip across the back of my neck and looked up to find Lilly smiling nervously down at me.

“What’s wrong with her?” I heard my dad ask behind Lilly.

“She’s lost her fucking mind, that’s what’s wrong with her,” Devin replied.

“It’s morning sickness. Can you guys please give us a minute?”

Lilly’s soft voice worked magic, and I heard the guys leave and the bathroom door shut softly.

“Feeling better?” she asked, her dark brown eyes searching my face.

I nodded.

I sat back against the bathtub and rested my head against the cold porcelain.

“Are you going to tell them the truth?” she asked, making me look at her.

“What do you mean?”

“Come on, Jenny. We both know there was no one in Texas.”

“We do?”

She grinned and nodded. “Was it Josh?”

I nodded, not able to say the words, and then I broke down. She pulled me into her arms and rubbed my back. “Shh, it’s okay. We’ll get through this. I’m here for you. Give Dad and Devin time.”

I shook my head. I wasn’t worried about my dad and Devin. I knew they would forgive me. It was Josh I was worried about.

“They can’t know. No one can know until I tell him. He’s been through too much. He won’t even see me right now.”

“Okay,” she agreed.

“I’m serious, Lil. Promise you won’t say anything.”

She reached up and swiped a tear from my cheek. Her sweet smile calmed me. “I promise.”

And I knew she would keep that promise until I felt the moment was right.

If the moment was ever right.

I didn’t go back to school right away even though Lilly and Devin begged me to. I couldn’t leave South Carolina knowing Josh was barricaded in his house and injured. It didn’t matter that he didn’t want to see me. I wanted to stay close in case he needed me, but that didn’t happen.

I could do nothing but stress over him and miss him, and meanwhile, he had no desire to even see me or at least answer when I called. It was as if we hadn’t been anything to each other. Like we hadn’t spent almost a lifetime together. Obviously, he considered our last night together a mistake, and this was his way of letting me know. That was the only thing that made sense to me. And with that realization, my heart broke so hard it hardened. I wasn’t sure it would ever soften again.

Two days later, Josh left South Carolina.

Without seeing me.

Without even speaking to me.

He was gone, and no one would tell me where he went.

Why was I sitting around waiting on him like this?

One night together and he thought he could treat me like shit?

I didn’t think so.

If he didn’t want a relationship with me, whether it was romantic or friends, then I certainly wasn’t going to force one on him. I would have to be satisfied in knowing he was safe and alive. I had no idea where he was, but at least I knew he was okay. And even though my heart broke every morning that I woke knowing we were no longer anything to each other, that would have to be enough. It would have to get me through.

Two days after he left, I went back to school. I couldn’t stay and finish my degree from Texas A&M, but I could finish my prerequisites and maybe transfer them to a school in South Carolina. I wasn’t going to let things fall apart for me. I could do this. I could do anything I put my mind to, and while my dad and Devin still weren’t being chatty, I knew they would have my back.

I didn’t need Josh.

I had a piece of him, and I had a family who loved me and wanted to see me succeed.

Fuck the rest.

I would show them all.

18

Josh

Hurting Jenny was killing me—tearing me apart worse than the shrapnel from the IED blowback. The look in her eyes when I screamed at her. The way her lip trembled when I lied and said I wanted nothing with her. It was destroying me.

I was hurting her by refusing to see her, but she wouldn’t understand. She would push, and I was too afraid to be pushed by anyone anymore. I didn’t trust myself not to flip the switch, and knowing I no longer trusted myself with the girl I loved was the thing that pushed me to take my next step.

I was only home a few days before I found myself on a plane yet again and headed to Texas to enter the Warrior Transition Unit. That fact was, I had a severe case of post-traumatic stress and a possible Traumatic Brain Injury. Until I was better, I couldn’t bring myself to pull Jenny down with me. Her future was too bright. She had too much to experience, and I loved her enough to make sure she would get those experiences. Even if I had to disappear from her life.

Which was what I did.

I did it for her even though it killed me and hurt me far worse than any injury I had ever received.

I was in the Warrior Transition Unit for three months before they medically turned me out. I was no longer a soldier. I had a brief stint doing the one thing I was most passionate about, and that was all I got. I couldn’t find it in myself to go home, and since the only thing I really knew was football and farming, I found myself a job on a local dairy farm in Waco, Texas.

The good news about working on a farm in Waco was that it was less than two hours away from Texas A&M. Sometimes after a hard day’s work, I would find myself in my work truck and making my way to her. I would park out front, watching the college students and hoping that I would get just a tiny glimpse of her.

And then one day I did.

She was walking across the courtyard with a guy, and the smile on her face was so brilliant it sucked the oxygen from my body. I gripped the steering wheel and watched as they talked and walked toward the front office building.

She was wearing a pair of sweats and a large T-shirt. She looked different. Fuller in her face and she was glowing. I smiled, glad she seemed to be happy without me, yet burning inside to be close to her.

She looked toward the farm truck I was driving, and I paused, worried that she might have seen me, but she turned away yet again when the guy she was walking with started to talk.

He was tall. Probably a bit taller than me, and he wasn’t a bad looking guy. Jealousy burst through me, ripping at my skin and making me feel irrational. I could feel the anxiety rushing against my spine, working its way into my brain to send me over the edge.

Like they had taught me at rehab, I took several deep breaths and tried to focus on five things. I took my attention away from Jenny for just a second to gather myself, and when I looked back, she was gone.

That night, I drove through my new town, taking in the views and missing home so fucking much my chest ached. I was afraid and nervous everywhere I went, but I had no one I could turn to.

Pulling out my cell, I called Ashley so she could talk me down. She understood. We had gone through the same thing. Hell, she had been right beside me in the convoy. Her injuries had been mostly mental, but still, an injury was an injury. She answered on the second ring.

“What’s up, Black?” Every time she called me Black, it made me think of Jenny and the guys on my old football team.

“I need to talk.”

I heard her shuffling around in the background.

“Can you talk, or is a bad time?” I asked.

“Yeah, I can. Tell me what’s going on?”

Without giving too many details about Jenny, I told her someone from my past had triggered an anxiety attack, and I was having a hard time shaking it.

“Just breathe. Do you want to come over?”

“No. I think I’m good enough to go home.”

Even though going home to my empty apartment was the last thing in the world I wanted to do. If I was being honest, I just wanted to go home and be with my family. I should have been working my family farm, not making some other man rich with my time and experience.

But going home wasn’t an option. I couldn’t find it in myself to leave Jenny. Even if she had no clue I was lingering around her.

“Are you sure? I’m just hanging out here at my place. I could use the company. Trevor is at work, so I’m kind of bored.”

“Yeah. I think I’m just going to go home and get some sleep. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day.”

“Okay. Well, if you change your mind, let me know. I’ll be here.”

“Thanks, Ashley. I appreciate that.”

After hanging up, I drove through town once more before heading back to my place. Once I was inside, I undressed in my room and climbed into bed. Sleep would make it go away. If I could keep the nightmares away anyway.

My injuries had taken so much from me.

Jenny.

My family.

Children I was no longer able to have.

I had never thought about kids before, but being told you couldn’t have them changed things. Suddenly, I desired a family with Jenny. I wanted the entire package. A ring on her finger and three wild ass boys running around Daddy’s farm, which would be mine one day.

No.

It would be ours.

But I couldn’t offer her those things anymore. What kind of man would I be if I took those things away from Jenny?

She had never mentioned kids before, but I saw the way she looked at her niece, Emma. She loved that little girl, and I knew she would want her own one day.

I could never give her that. I was half a man, and Jenny deserved a whole person to share her life with. That was my final thought before sleep stole me away, and the nightmares rushed through my broken brain.

A few days passed before I found myself parked in front of Jenny’s school again, but after the one time, I never saw her there again. Even though I started going every day. It wasn’t until I got a phone call from my mom that I decided to give up Jenny.

“Hey, Mom,” I said into my cell.

“Hey, hon. How are you feeling today?”

“I’m good.”

I was lying.

I was miserable.

I wanted to go home, but I couldn’t leave Jenny. I wanted to see her face so badly it hurt, but it seemed as if she had disappeared from the campus.

“How are things back home?” I asked.

“Everyone’s good,” Mom responded. The sounds of her washing dishes by hand filled the line. “I wish I could say that same about the Michaels, though. Poor Harold is beside himself over everything happening with Jenny.”

My heart dropped.

Jenny.

“What do you mean? What’s happening with Jenny?”

She turned the water off, and I could hear her shuffling around the kitchen for a dish towel to dry her hands.

“You mean you don’t know?” she asked. “Are you and Jenny still not speaking?”

I didn’t have time for this. Already, every bad thing that could happen to her was flitting through my sick mind.

“Mom, just tell me!”

“Okay. Okay. Well, it seems she’s gone and gotten herself pregnant.”

Relief filled me.

Jenny was okay.

Mom was obviously talking about someone else.

“Who?” I asked, feeling better about our conversation.

“Jenny.” She sighed. “Are you even listening to me?”

My heart paused, and I felt so dizzy I had to take a seat on my couch.

“Excuse me?” The question shredded my throat.

“I would have called you sooner, but I figured you guys were talking again.”

“We’re not.”

And whose fault was that?

Mine, that’s whose.

“Yeah, well, the entire town’s talking about it. Apparently, she went to Texas and got herself pregnant. Can you believe it?”

I couldn’t.

I didn’t want to.

Suddenly, I remembered the last time I saw her. The baggy sweats and T-shirt. The fullness of her face and the way she was glowing and smiling at the guy next to her. She looked happy.

No.

She had looked pregnant, and I hadn’t even noticed.

I had pushed her away.

I wanted her to stay away for her safety, but it had only been a month.

How could she move on so quickly?

Did she ever love me?

“Is she back in South Carolina?” I asked, the question coming out broken and raspy.

“Yeah. She’s staying at her daddy’s place. I think she quit school, too. She was so smart. I can’t believe she’s ruined her future this way.”

I covered my mouth to keep the cry of anguish from sounding in the phone. Jenny had moved on. She was having a baby. She was starting a family. The one thing I wouldn’t be able to give her, and she had gone and collected it without a second thought about me. Sure, she was young, and I was sure it was throwing a wrench in her plans, but at least it was possible for her.

“I’m sorry, honey. I know she was your best friend. She practically lived here. She was such a sweet girl. I really do hate seeing her go downhill like this.”

I could no longer keep the tears and hurt at bay. I didn’t want my mother to hear me break.

“Hey, Mom, can I call you back in a bit?”

“Oh. Yeah, hon, that’s fine. Just call me back. I love you.”

“I love you, too, Mom,” I said, before hanging up and setting my cell on the table beside me.

Nausea threatened, and my chest ached so badly. I rubbed at the spot, feeling as though my insides were falling apart.

She had done this to me.

She had ripped my heart out.

After everything I had done for her.

Leaving home.

Staying in Texas just to be near her. Even if it was two hours away.

She had forgotten about me like I was nothing, ran off to Texas, and jumped into bed with someone else. Hell, it was probably even before I had gotten hurt.

What kind of woman had she become?

Fuck Jenny Michaels and everything she ever stood for.

She wasn’t worth the heart shattering inside my chest or the broken, unbalanced brain in my head. I never wanted to see her again. I would do everything in my power to make sure we never crossed paths. Even if that meant never going home to South Carolina again.

19

Jenny

3 Years Later

“His dick looks like a little man trapped in a turtleneck,” I said, pulling back from the unsolicited uncircumcised dick pic on Amy’s cell. “Seriously, put that shit away. I feel like it wants my soul.”

Amy laughed as I swatted at her iPhone before she cleared the screen and stuffed her phone in her back pocket. “He keeps sending them. I don’t know how to tell him his penis is the last thing I want to see. We broke up three weeks ago, and he’s just not getting it.”

“I can’t believe you even dated him.”

“Yeah, well, we all make mistakes. Plus, he’s hot.” She leaned over my desk and shuffled through my papers before looking around the garage. “Speaking of hot, where’s Devin?”

“Can we please not talk about my brother or his so-called level of hotness?”

She sighed and fell back into the chair across from my desk. “Oh God, Lilly’s the luckiest bitch in the world. She gets to have sex with him whenever she wants.”

Pausing from stacking the papers in my hands, I looked at her in disgust. “And we’re done here.”

I stuffed the papers in the month’s folder and filed them in Dad’s old black filing cabinet. I had been working the garage with Dad and Devin since I came home from Texas, and you could tell. For one, the office space was organized and clean. I couldn’t do anything about where we worked on the cars, but the office was basically my domain since I started working at the garage full time, which meant it was clean.

That was just one more thing about me that had changed. I had never been a clean and organized girl, but since I had my son, Caleb, it was the only way things would work. Being a single mom was hard work. Sure, my family and Mr. and Mrs. Black helped a ton, but being organized and clean made my days run smoother.

Living at home with Dad made the money situation easier. Not that I couldn’t ask Lilly and Devin for money if I needed to, but I never wanted to do that. Instead, I woke up early every morning, fed and dressed my son, dropped him off with Lilly since she was staying home with their kids, and I went to work with my dad and brother every day.

Whether I was under a car changing oil or filing paperwork and dealing with the garage’s taxes, I stayed busy making money. I kept my head down since the town had done nothing but gossip about me since I came running home with my tail between my legs and a baby in my belly, and I worked, knowing I was doing what was best for me and my baby boy.

“Let’s go,” I said, snatching my keys from the desk.

The garage had been closed for almost two hours, but I usually stayed behind and worked late. Lilly didn’t mind. The boys loved playing together, and it was nice because she always made sure he ate a healthy dinner with them.

Sitting around a table with a husband and wife wasn’t something Caleb was going to get from me anytime soon. I hadn’t so much as looked at another man since Josh, and I wasn’t sure I ever would.

Since Amy and her newest fling had broken up, she would come by most nights with hopes of getting a peek at Devin. Even though Devin was married with two kids, Amy couldn’t seem to let go of her crush.

Amy and I had never been friends in high school. I didn’t have any problem with her, but she was just another chick who was too girlie and boring for me. It wasn’t until I came home and started at the local tech school that we started to hang out. She was going to school for medical coding, and I settled for a degree in business, which honestly, wasn’t very useful since I was doing the same thing I would have done had I not gone to college at all.

The tech school wasn’t Texas A&M, but I couldn’t raise a baby alone in Texas and go to school. I went home with a lie about a one-night stand and antibiotics that messed up my birth control pill. People believed it, I was labeled a whore, which drove my dad and big brother nuts, and life went on.

She played on her phone, texting I was sure, while I locked up and set the new alarm system on the building. Once I was done, I texted Devin that I was all closed, and we started toward our cars.

“Texting Devin?” she asked, her eyes wide and her smile secretive.

“Let it go, Amy. This isn’t high school. Devin’s married and so fucking in love with Lilly he can’t see straight.”

She laughed. “I know. I know. Oh!” she exclaimed, reaching out and grabbing my arm. “Speaking of high school. I can’t believe I almost forgot to tell you. I saw Josh Black in town today.”

I sucked in a breath at the mention of his name.

He was back.

He wasn’t in the military anymore. He had gotten out right after he was injured, but still, he stayed away from Walterboro working a farm out west instead of being at home and helping his family with their farm. It was unlike Josh, but then again, the Josh I knew had obviously died in Afghanistan.

I rubbed at my chest, feeling the ache that formed whenever I thought of what we used to be. I tried not to think about Josh much, which was super hard since every time I looked at our son, I saw his face. It wasn’t that Caleb looked like him. He didn’t. Caleb was my little twin in every way possible, but Josh was still there. In Caleb’s mannerisms—his facial expressions—the way he laughed.

No one else seemed to notice it, not even Josh’s parents, who treated Caleb like their own grandson without knowing he was really their flesh and blood. I assumed it was because I knew Josh better than anyone else and had known him best since he was a young boy, but if the Blacks noticed anything, they never mentioned it. And even though I felt terrible for lying about who Caleb’s dad was, I felt better knowing he had good relationship with Josh’s side of the family.

It was scary, thinking about Josh coming home and people seeing him and Caleb side by side, but I hadn’t had to worry about it much since I was sure he wasn’t coming home anytime soon. Then Mr. Black had a massive heart attack, leaving Mrs. Black alone at the farm since Genie, Josh’s sister, and her husband, Jimmy, had long moved out.

We would go to the funeral to pay our respects, but we had to make sure to stay away from Josh. He would be there for sure. He might have stayed away from Walterboro and his family for whatever reason, but the old Josh had to be in there somewhere. The old Josh would never miss his father’s funeral. It gave me hope, knowing he had returned for the funeral, but at the same time, it made my nerves kick into overdrive.

Would he stay in Walterboro, or would he go back to wherever he came from?

The chance of running into him in town was high. I would never go anywhere ever again. Not that I went many places anyway. Either I stayed home, or I went to work at the garage. Occasionally, I would go to Walmart to pick up some groceries or things we needed around the house, but that was only when I absolutely had to.

There was no contact between Josh and me, and there hadn’t been since right after he was hurt in Afghanistan. I hadn’t made any effort to contact him, but then again, he hadn’t tried to contact me either. I guess a near-death experience really made you figure out the things you wanted in life, and apparently, I was no longer one of those things.

My stomach sank with hurt every time I remembered how he had refused to see me. I had never felt so burned in all my life. The thought that the very people I had considered family and the man I had spent almost all my life loving had pushed me out of their house stung. I was embarrassed and bruised, and I was never more grateful that no one knew we had talked about maybe being more than friends one day. At least now, I could pretend none of that had been real.

Still, I had done my part. I had tried to tell them about Caleb, I really had. It wasn’t my fault they refused to see me. They refused to listen. So, I lied, and that followed me around every day.

I was Jennifer Michaels, the town slut who went off to college, got drunk, and got pregnant from a one-night stand. Even though none of that was true. Even though I had only been with Josh and only once, I let everyone believe it because it was what was best.

Josh would never know what he was missing out on. He had already missed so much. Our boy was beautiful and smart. He was rambunctious and happy. He was perfect. Just like his daddy used to be before he changed.

God, I missed Josh so much. Some days it was so much that my body literally ached, but I was too proud. Not to mention, I wasn’t the Jenny he remembered. Something told me he would look at me and be disgusted with what he saw. The weight I had gained over the years, the way I wasn’t as concerned as other women about my hair and makeup. It just wasn’t who I was, and I wasn’t about to change those ways now.

“Did you hear me?” Amy asked, poking at my arm. “I said, I saw Josh. He’s in town.”

“That’s nice,” I said, trying to sound unfazed as I unlocked my car and tossed in my bag. “I hope he’s doing well … considering.”

“You mean you guys haven’t talked at all?” Surprise filled her expression.

Everyone in town knew Josh and I were best friends, but no one in town except his family and mine knew that he had pushed me out of his life.

“Nope,” I said, popping the P. “Josh and I aren’t really friends anymore.”

“That sucks. Y’all used to be so close. What happened?”

I wasn’t about to tell her about the day he left for the Army. I wasn’t about to tell her about the few phone calls we had while he was in basic training or our one wonderful night. Only we knew about the plans we made before his convoy was attacked. I would never tell anyone about the promises we made or how I had rushed to his house to see him when he had been injured just to be turned away by the people I had once considered my own family.

No.

Josh had changed his mind, and instead of manning up and telling me to my face that I wasn’t what he wanted anymore, he had hidden behind his injury and pushed me away.

“We grew apart. He went to the Army; I went to college. It happens.” I tried to blow it off as though it was no big deal, but the truth was, it was a massive deal. It had shaped me emotionally into someone I no longer knew. I didn’t laugh as much. I didn’t play. I worked, and I took care of Caleb. There was no fun anymore unless it was kid-friendly fun with Lilly and the kids.

After saying goodbye to Amy, I picked Caleb up from Lilly and Devin and drove the long way home. I could remember a time when Dad’s garage was in our yard, but these days, we had moved up in the world, thanks in part to Lilly’s money and Devin’s work ethic. She had put the money in to get a new building, and Devin and Dad had worked hard to bring in new business in a different part of town. Devin refused to take his wife’s money even though she had told him it was their money, and he had doubled the money within the first two years.

It took me thirty minutes to get home, after driving backroads and getting lost in the music, but when I pulled up into our driveway, Dad’s old trusty Ford was sitting under the carport. I sat, listening to the rumble of my engine, before I cut it off and climbed from my car. The door creaked when I pushed it closed. I loved the sound of old cars. The grind of their gears and a heaviness of their frame.

Caleb was asleep, so once I got inside, I took him straight to his bedroom, Devin’s old bedroom, and put him to bed. I went to my room, tossed my bag and keys on the dresser, and went for a shower. I heard Dad fumbling around in the kitchen through the bathroom wall until I turned on the shower. I tugged my T-shirt over my head and unbuttoned my jeans as I kicked off my flip-flops. Then I turned around and faced myself in the standup mirror on the bathroom wall.

Once upon a time, I had a waist. My boobs used to be smaller and were so perky I rarely wore a bra. My stomach used to be toned and flat, and the only time it ever rolled was when I sat down. And my hips used to be slim enough to wear men’s jeans comfortably.

My body had changed so much in the past two years. I gained fifty pounds during my pregnancy. The pre-eclampsia had been hell. Instead of having the natural childbirth I had hoped for, I had laid in a cold room, numb from my shoulders down, with Lilly by my side as they sliced me open and pulled Caleb from my body.

Unfortunately, I was left with fifty pounds that seemed to never go away no matter what I did and a gnarly cesarean scar. Caleb was worth it, but looking in the mirror, I couldn’t help but miss my old shape. My tanned skin and hard body. My beautiful breasts that I hadn’t cared about, which now sagged after feeding my son for the first year of his life. My body was disgusting, and I wasn’t sure I would ever get naked around another human being again.

Josh had been my one and only.

The only man to ever touch me. To see me naked. To taste me.

There were nights I still touched myself thinking about my night with him. I hated him, but I loved him. I never wanted to see his face again, but I missed him. It was hell.

Reaching down, I ran my palms over my stomach and the two large fat rolls that I couldn’t seem to get rid of. I hated what I saw. I was disgusted with the dimples in my thighs and my muffin top stomach. My legs weren’t lean and long the way they used to be. Instead, they looked shorter and were round with thickness.

Looking away, I took off my bra and shed my underwear before I pulled back the shower curtain and climbed inside the shower. The hot water felt amazing against my skin, and I closed my eyes, breathing out the stress and pressure of the day. It wasn’t that people put a lot on me; it was that I put a lot on myself.

Heartbreak and being a single mother would do that to you, I supposed.

After a long, hot shower, I went to bed that night feeling strange. Knowing that Josh was just down the road at his parents' house made my body and soul feel itchy. I wasn’t stupid. Walterboro wasn’t a large town, and I couldn’t stay locked in the house all the time. I was bound to run into him at some point, especially since I knew Mrs. Black would be calling to see Caleb, and that was the last thing I wanted. I didn’t want him to see me. I was embarrassed by the way I looked.

When I saw him again, I wanted to be attractive. Maybe wearing something that I would have never worn back when we used to hang out. Maybe with a touch of makeup and my hair down. I didn’t know. Anything that would make Josh regret his decision to cut me from his life with no explanation whatsoever.

But there was no hiding what I had become.

I would have to face him at some point.

The next day was exactly like the day before. I worked the office at the garage, not putting my new degree to use at all, then I cleaned the office. If I was going to work there, the place was going to run smoothly. After Dad and Devin left for the day, Amy stopped by and kept me company.

“A few of us are going to Sprints tonight for drinks. You should go with us.”

I looked at Amy like she had grown an extra head before chuckling at her as if she had just told a joke.

“I’m serious, Jen. It’s Friday. You’ve done nothing but work and stay home since you got home from Texas. Snap out of it, chick. Let’s go get fucked up and have a night. We’re young, hot, and single. See if Lilly will keep Caleb and come along. It will be good for you.”

Her words slammed into my chest like a wrecking ball, and I know I flinched. Young and hot was a definite no, but I was for sure single. I would be for the rest of my life, I was sure.

I schooled my expression and shook my head. “I’m good. I think I’m going to go home and catch up on my shows. Spend some time with Caleb.”

She sighed with annoyance. “You can’t stay locked in this place and in your house forever, you know?”

“I know. That’s not what I’m doing. I’m just mentally exhausted, you know. Plus, I’m still trying to get the hang of things.”

“That’s bullshit. You just want to blow me off again. Are you avoiding Josh? Because I’m sure we won’t see him at Sprints. The chances of me running into him three times in two days are slim.”

“I’m not avoiding anyone.” Then a thought hit me. “You saw him again?”

I hadn’t meant to sound curious, but I couldn’t help myself. I needed to know how he was.

Did he seem okay?

Happy?

As miserable as I was?

“Yeah. I saw him at Walmart about two hours ago, picking up some groceries for his momma. He was with some girl. Brandy thinks they might be engaged because the chick has a ring on her finger that looked like it could sink a boat.”

Tears rushed to my eyes, and I turned away so Amy couldn’t see.

Josh engaged?

My stomach burned with the thought.

Why was I doing this to myself?

He was out living his life like nothing had happened.

He didn’t give a shit.

Why should I?

My jaw set, and my teeth ground together. “Fuck it. Let’s go get trashed.”

I tossed what I was working on onto the desktop and grabbed my things. I called Lilly and asked if Caleb could spend the night, and of course, she was thrilled to keep him.

After locking up, we drove to my house where Amy attempted to find something decent in my closet, which ended up being a pair of short jean shorts, a white tank, and a blue plaid shirt that she refused to let me button. She brushed my hair and pulled out a tube of lip gloss from her bag that I refused to let her put on me. Then I slid on the only pair of sandals I owned, missing my flip-flops the entire time.

She stood back and smiled. “You look great.”

She was lying. She had to be. I felt like a lumberjack in my plaid shirt. Especially with it unbuttoned and I hated wearing shorts anymore because my legs were so fat. I didn’t say this out loud because letting anyone know my self-esteem wasn’t top-notch wasn’t something I was willing to do.

Still, I smiled a bit when Amy said, “God, your legs are gorgeous. You should wear shorts more often. Mine are little skinny sticks. I wish I could be as curvy as you.”

I rolled my eyes and snatched my trusty hair tie from the top of my dresser before popping it on my wrist. No way was I leaving my hair down for long.

“Shut up,” I said playfully. “You’re slim. Slim is good. Trust me.”

That was the most I said about size. She didn’t need to know I was having a hard time accepting my new shape.

Amy followed me to Springs while I drove my “muscle car.” At least that was what she called it. She had no appreciation for cars. Me, I was all about cars. It was expected since I was raised by two motorheads.

My car was my baby. The only man I needed in my life who wasn’t family.

By the time we made it to Sprints, the place was packed with locals. My nerves were a wreck, and honestly, going inside was the last thing in the world I wanted to do, but I held my head high and followed Amy like I was a regular.

We sat at the bar, and I ordered a simple beer after she ordered her fancy girl drink. When the bartender handed our drinks over, Amy’s was pink and in a curvy glass. Mine was in a beer bottle the way God intended. We drank and talked about the day, and I felt myself beginning to relax.

“I’ll be back. I need to pee,” Amy said, leaving me alone at the bar.

I peeled the label of my beer and tried not to seem uncomfortable sitting at the bar alone.

I took a swig from my beer, letting the bitter liquid slid down my throat. And when I set my bottle back on the bar top and looked across the bar, my eyes clashed with Josh’s.

Fuck.

20

Josh

I knew before I left Texas that Jenny was home in Walterboro. Not only had she disappeared from school a few years back, but my momma made it a point to tell me when she came home. Apparently, she had gone and gotten herself knocked up, ran home from college with a baby bump, and ended up at the tech school. Things were still so fresh then, and the pain I felt when Mom informed me of Jenny’s fall had altered me.

What a waste.

Jenny had squashed her dreams, sleeping her way through Texas after I had broken her in and forgetting about me like I was nothing. Just a dick to kick-start her fall. We had been so much to each other. Jenny was my childhood. My world. The only woman to hold my heart. And while I knew it was my fault for pushing her away after I had been injured, she should have stayed by my side. Pushed for me the way I would have pushed for her. Nothing could have kept me away from Jenny. Not even her. Yet she had let me start the downfall of our relationship without much of a fight.

Then again, when I remembered the way I had yelled at her, the way I had screamed at her to leave, maybe it was too much for her. Maybe my little stone maiden wasn’t as hard as I had always thought.

The house was quiet when I entered. It was as if the house had died along with my dad. Everything was the same. The furniture hadn’t been moved. Even Mom’s old afghan was still draped over the back of the couch like it was the last time I had taken a nap in front of the TV.

I tossed my duffel bag to the floor and closed the heavy front door behind me.

“Mom?” I called out. “Anybody home?”

I stepped into the space, pulling in a deep breath and letting the familiar scents of my childhood home rush over my memory.

I was home.

Three years was a long time to be away from the place your heart yearned for, but it was important for my sanity to stay away. However, looking around at the familiar walls and then breathing in the nostalgic scents, I was relieved to be there. Regardless of the reason I had to run home, losing my father, I still felt a sense of right when I stood in the living room of home.

The hallway to the bedrooms was lined with pictures of our life. I looked at each one as I passed on the way to my parents’ room. When my eyes landed on the picture of my dad with an unfamiliar little boy, I stopped and took a better look at it. Maybe things hadn’t stayed the same in the Black household.

The boy’s eyes were mischievous, his tilted smile hid the trouble a toddler his size could get into. My dad’s grin spoke volumes. He was fond of the little boy. I couldn’t blame him. The boy was adorable with this shaggy baby hair and tiny frame, and as I moved down the long hallway, his face slowly began to fill the parts of the wall that had once been empty between our family pictures.

I paused at the end of the hallway just before my parents’ bedroom, and my eyes caught on Jenny’s familiar face. The boy was sitting on her lap, and both were smiling at the camera as if they were the happiest people on Earth. That was when it hit me like a ton of bricks.

The little boy was Jenny’s son.

My parents had pictures of Jenny’s son littered all over their home in places where pictures of my children would never be. There were pictures of my parents holding him and smiling. Pictures of the boy playing with my old stuffed animals. Pictures of him and Dad on a horse close to the barn. He was everywhere, taking the place of the grandchildren I could never give them.

My stomach bottomed out, and I leaned against the wall, feeling as if the floor beneath my feet was breaking away. I squeezed my eyes closed, trying to will the feelings that were exploding inside me to go away. We had just lost my father. The last thing I needed to be thinking about was the children I would never have and how I had probably let him down in so many ways.

Anger and hurt sparked at the end of the spine and rushed up my back before detonating in my brain. The desire to pull the photos from the walls and shatter them was strong, but before I could move, my mom’s voice gave me pause.

“You’re home.”

I swung around in her direction, ready to rip into her about the pictures of the little boy, but when my eyes landed on her, I slammed to a stop.

There was bruising beneath her eyes from crying so hard. She looked frail as if she had somehow lost half of herself overnight. Her clothes were wrinkled, which was one of my mom’s pet peeves. But it was the slight smile on her lips that sent me reeling. Throughout everything, her losing my dad and facing the rest of her life alone, she was happy to see me.

She opened her arms, and forgetting about the boy who took the place of my children, I went to her and pulled her into my arms. She shook against me, crying so hard my chest trembled with her pain.

“He’s gone. He’s really gone, honey.”

I squeezed my eyes tight, daring the tears to escape, but they were hardheaded little bastards like me, and when I opened my eyes, they poured down my cheeks before getting caught in my beard. I held her tight, and we cried, knowing our lives would never be the same. I could no longer run from Walterboro and Jenny. It was time I came home and took care of what was now mine.

“I’m here, Mom. I’ll never leave again.”

It was a promise I was determined to keep.

My home.

My farm.

It was time I forgot about Jenny, took care of what now belonged to me, and started my life.

Living in a such a small town, I knew I was bound to run into Jenny. After Mom and I had our heart to heart, I spent the rest of the day with her, Genie, and Ashley, who had flown in from Texas for moral support. We made final arrangements for Dad, and I spent a good bit of the time we spent in town looking around for Jenny’s familiar face. I thought I had prepared myself for the moment I saw her, but no amount of preparation helped.

After spending the day planning to put my father six feet under, I needed a beer. Once the sign for Sprints came into view, I put on my blinker and switched lanes before pulling into their white rock parking lot.

Ashley looked around, confused. “Where are we?”

“Look, I know you hate bars, but I could really use a beer right now. Take my truck back to your room; I’ll catch a ride there and pick it up later. Is that okay?”

She stared back at me. I could see the argument in her eyes, but whatever she saw in my expression snatched away her fight.

“No. I’ll come in with you.”

I reached out and put my hand on her arm to stop from opening the passenger side door. “Ash, it’s a crowded bar. I know you, and this place will send you into anxiety overload. It’s fine, really. I don’t mind going in alone.”

She tugged her arm away from me. “I don’t run from my demons … like some people I know.”

She stuck her tongue out at me before she opened the door and hopped down from my truck.

I followed her, opening the door to Sprints for her when we reached it. Within minutes, we were sitting at the bar and drinking a beer like normal people who could do that sort of thing. Above the bar, Ashley looked at ease, nursing her beer with a resting bitch face that would freeze any man in town, but beneath the bar, she bounced her shoes against the footrest of the barstool, making her knees bounce up and down. She was nervous, so when she needed to step outside every twenty minutes or so for a breath of air, I didn’t say anything.

She was a fucking champ, and I was thankful to have her in Walterboro with me. Seeing her strength as she pushed through her anxiety gave me the boost to do the same. When she left the bar to breathe, I stayed seated and relaxed. I nodded at familiar faces who nodded at me, but everyone seemed to stay away, unsure of how I would act if they approached.

I finished one beer and had already ordered another one. It wasn’t that I was out partying. I was drinking away the day’s anguish, taking a minute to breathe in and exhale the sadness of losing my father. I would have to move back. I would have to take his place at the head of the family and work the farm. Mom couldn’t do it, and Jimmy, my sister’s husband, couldn’t even get the tractor running, much less drive it.

No.

It was my responsibility, and I would do it.

I was drinking those thoughts away when I had looked up and saw Jenny sitting at the bar across from me. At that moment, something had happened that I couldn’t control. Every bit of anger that had simmered on low inside me for the past three years boiled over.

The moment my eyes clashed with her, my emotions reared their ugly head, and I turned as black as my last name. Jealousy pushed ahead of my anger, and images of a little boy I would never have sitting on my dad’s lap played through my mind like a broken movie. Without a second thought, I stood. There would be no hiding for me. Once I was on my feet, I knew she was going to pay with a lashing from my tongue. I could feel the words I longed to say to her pushing at the back of my throat, choking me with their dark hatred.

After the past three years of my life. After the terrible fucking day I had arranging my dad’s burial, I had excuses for my nasty words. I was a fucking mess. My dad was gone. My momma was inconsolable. My sister was angry with me for not being there and Jenny Michaels … fucking Jenny Michaels.

What could I say about Jenny?

She enraged me beyond control. Cruel words rushed through the vocabulary center of my brain, vile things I had never spoken to another person in my life. At least not to someone who wasn’t provoking me, but I supposed I wasn’t over it. Years had passed, but I was still raw as if it had only been hours. I was still burning from her betrayal, and those feelings alongside the loss of my dad had brewed the perfect storm.

The storm had begun when my mom had called to tell me about my dad. I went through several emotions. First was shock. I couldn’t believe he was gone. He had always been the strongest man I knew, working the farm from sunup to sundown without complaint. The second was guilt. All I could think was he might still be alive if I had gone home and taken over sooner. He was older. I was young and strong. While I was in Texas hiding from my heartbreak and working some other man’s farm, my dad had broken his back, the only other man in the family, until he had worked himself to death.

And lastly, I felt rage. If it hadn’t been for Jenny fucking Michaels, I would have gone home. I would have been there. I could have helped him. If she hadn’t been such a heartless piece of shit who jumped on the first dick as soon as I left American soil, I wouldn’t have been in Texas staying away from her and everything I wanted and could never have.

A family with Jenny.

Kids.

A life.

As I moved around the bar and toward her, I could feel the pent-up rage turning up in my gut. Heat enveloped my face, and my temples banged so hard I almost reached up to soothe them. She hurt me, so I would hurt her. She deserved the pain I was about to serve up for breaking me. For keeping me away from my family. For existing in a world where she and I were no longer anything to each other.

Seeing her again made the room around me shift.

Had it really been so long since I had last seen her face?

The girl I grew up with. The woman I had loved so inexplicably that I felt my heart crack with her betrayal. Three years had passed since I had last seen her smile. Since the last time I truly felt happy.

She looked different, yet she was the same old Jenny. Her hair had grown longer, and the sun had touched it, leaving the usual dark brown with strips of sunlight. The craziest thing was, she didn’t have it in a ponytail. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had seen Jenny with her hair down, but she was sitting at the bar without a worry in the world, and while I hated her, I found myself envious of the strands that rested softly against her shoulders.

Her green eyes glistened under the dim bar lights, and the moment they clashed with mine, I had seen shock and pain reflected at me like a ricocheted bullet to the chest. It was only there briefly before Jenny smoothed her features and put her usual fearless face forward.

Jenny didn’t usually break. No matter how badly she hurt. I knew her better than myself some days.

Her cheeks were plump, but her high cheekbones still pushed through, and her pouty lips, the same lips I had kissed, turned down as she set her expression into her resting bitch face.

My eyes dipped, taking in her shoulders before the rest of her body disappeared behind the bar. When I looked back up, she was still watching me carefully, waiting for me to come to her. Of course, she wasn’t going to come to me. She had already come to me once before, and I had pushed her away like she was nothing when she had been everything.

The truth was, I couldn’t see her. Or better yet, I couldn’t let her see me. Not the way I was. Broken and bloody. Bruised everywhere and blasted inside. I had been altered. I was still altered, but the outside of me had healed. And so, I moved closer to her, needing to be near her, needing to alter her inside somehow. I had thought staying away from her would work, and for a long while, it did. But I hadn’t anticipated how badly I would need to be near her, how badly I would want to hurt her, if I saw her face again.

I was confused. My emotions bounced around me, making me feel as though I was being pushed and pulled in all directions.

Hatred.

Hurt.

Betrayal.

Longing.

Jealousy.

Need.

All of it pummeled me, pushing at my shoulder like a man ready for a fight. Egging me on to throw the first punch, so that was exactly what I did the moment I stepped up beside Jenny fucking Michaels.

I threw a verbal punch. I opened my mouth, and things I would have never said to another person came from my lips.

21

Jenny

“Guess what they say is true,” he said, sliding up to the bar next to me.

He rested his elbows on top of the bar and leaned into it. I didn’t look his way, but I knew he was talking to me.

“And what’s that?” I asked, curiosity getting the best of me.

One minute, he was sitting across the bar and staring back at me with a look in his eyes I couldn’t name, and the next, he was at my side, the heat from his body burning me even though we weren’t touching.

I felt as though my chest was caving in. Part of me had wanted to see his face so badly it burned, but the other part of me, the new self-conscious part, didn’t want him to see me. I was fat. I had gained so much weight since we had last seen each other. My body and its hormones had lost their ever-loving minds and decided I would be much better suited for a size eighteen over my old size two.

“Sprints is basically full of trash these days.”

His hurtful words struck their intended target … my heart, and I sucked in an injured breath before turning his way. My eyes collided with his, and all the warmth that had once lived in his dark gaze was gone. Instead, there was only cold anger staring back at me.

His face was harder, his eyes stern, and his lips tight. He wasn’t thrilled to see me, and honestly, I felt the same. The urge to leave was strong, but I was too prideful for that. Instead, I remained seated and lifted my beer for a casual drink. It was too late to turn and leave. My spine stiffened, and I sat up straighter, hoping to smooth my fat rolls. Sweat dotted my upper lip, and I quickly swiped at it. I was nervous, although, I would have eaten nails before I admitted it.

He wanted to play the asshole.

Fine.

But I was too adult for that shit. I wasn’t about to respond to his bullshit.

Instead, I turned away as if his words had meant nothing.

“Did you hear me?” he pressed.

“Yep,” I said, popping the P.

What had I ever done to him?

He was the one who had pushed me away.

The one who had ended our friendship or whatever the hell it was.

He was different inside and out.

Cold and callous.

His body was leaner, and he was taller.

He moved closer, his familiar scent invading my space, and that, combined with the width of his shoulders, took my breath away. Josh was no longer a nineteen-year-old boy.

No.

He was a man.

All grown up and looking so delicious, I wanted to lean in closer and taste him.

He grinned as if he knew what I was thinking before his face disappeared from my view so he could speak directly in my ear.

“You’ve really let yourself go, huh? I guess all those gummy bears finally caught up with you.”

Pain shot through my stomach so intense I felt the need to gag.

My weight. He was talking about my weight. Josh had never been so cruel to anyone. He never teased or bullied.

Who was this man?

“And you’re really an asshole, huh?” I countered.

His remarks were harsher than mine, but I was so shocked by his insult that I couldn’t think of anything good enough to match his devastating words.

He pulled back, and his grin didn’t reach his eyes. “The biggest.”

I let my eyes drift low until I was looking at the seat of his loose jeans. “Not really,” I said, referring to the size of his cock.

Men hated that shit, and if he was going straight for my weak spot, my weight, then I would do the same.

His grinned slowly disappeared, and his eyes lowered, turning into angry slits. “Just because you’ve had an obscene amount of cock in your face doesn’t mean you’re an expert. And I seem to remember you enjoying it just fine.”

Ouch.

Apparently, my reputation had preceded.

Jenny Michaels. The town slut who went off to college, slept around, and got knocked up.

A rebuttal burned my tongue, but I didn’t spill. Let him think what he wanted. It was none of his business. He had given up that right when he pushed me away and left me to deal single and alone with a child.

“I was a nineteen-year-old virgin. What did I know? Anyway, I faked it.”

I hadn’t.

It had been beautiful, and it killed me to tarnish the moment that had gotten me through so many dark nights.

Again, he leaned closer, his hot breath rushing along the side of my cheek.

“Liar. You came so hard your eyes rolled back in your head. It dripped down my cock like a fucking waterfall.”

I opened my mouth to tell him to go fuck himself, but before I could, a woman I had never seen before came up beside him and poked him in the side.

“Hey, are you ready to go? This place is giving me a headache.”

She was tall and slender, her beautiful Spanish skin and dark eyes glowing under the bar lights. Her lashes were long, her lips pouty and perfect, with hair that reached down her back in waves of dark lusciousness. She was gorgeous, and they were a beautiful couple. Instantly, I hated everything about her.

My eyes trailed over her perky breasts and down her hair until I reached her left hand. As Amy had said, there was a large rock on her ring finger. The burger I had eaten for lunch threatened, and my throat tightened against the rush of bile.

He was engaged to a beautiful woman.

He had grown more handsome than he had ever been, living his life and looking happy.

Meanwhile, I was just a fat sack of lonely, sitting at a bar and drinking my sadness away.

Still, I had one thing he didn’t, and I let that keep me from putting my head down in defeat.

I had our son.

Caleb would keep me floating. I couldn’t sink when he needed me in his life.

“Yeah.” He leaned back, pulled out his wallet, and tossed a bill onto the counter to tip the bartender. “See you around, Michaels.”

His use of my last name was impersonal and cold. I hated it.

“Yeah. Hopefully not, Black.”

And then he was gone, leaving me breathless and emotionally exhausted.

I hated him, but I hated myself even more because even though he had struck me in my weak spot and said some of the most hateful things a person had ever said to me, there was a soft spot in my broken heart that still loved Joshua Black.

22

Josh

Jenny was no longer a small girl. She had blossomed and filled in, in all the right places. Her body was thicker, her breasts larger, and she had curves that begged me to trail them with my tongue.

Even though words ripe with cruelty spewed from my lips and targeted her, hurting her the way she had hurt me three years ago, my body was screaming an entirely different set of words. Words like ache.

Hard.

Wet.

Soft.

Fuck.

Commenting on her weight gain was an asshole move. The second the words left my lips, I wanted to snatch them out of the air around us and melt them away. They were lies to hurt her, but the truth was, her body was even more beautiful. She wasn’t naked, but I didn’t need to see what was beneath her clothes to know I wanted to feel it against my naked body. Her flesh on mine. My lips on hers.

My eyes had dipped down her back, taking in the curve of her ass and the width of her hips, and my fingers ached to grip onto her, dig into her plump flesh, and lose myself in her. There was so much I could do with a body like hers, but fuck that.

My body could have all the cravings it wanted. It could desire the impossible until there wasn’t breath left in my body. It didn’t matter because there was no way I would fall prey to that heartless bitch again. And even though her eyes had screamed innocence, reminding me of the heart she used to be possess and the honest soul she kept tucked away in her being, that was exactly what she was now.

Heartless.

Careless.

And as much as I hated to think it … a bitch.

Only a bitch would have burned me so badly before.

I wanted to say more to her. Break her down and squish her in my fist and hear her cry out when I pulled her to my body, but thankfully, Ashley had come to my rescue. She had stopped me from saying things that swam through my mind, and I was able to walk away before I did something I would regret even more than mentioning her newly gained curves. Something like reach out and touch her cheek or spew more hateful words I didn’t really mean.

I walked away from Jenny the way I had all those many years ago knowing I needed to stay away, but even though I hated her with a passion that burned like a thousand Hells, I missed her. I missed our friendship. Her smile. Her touch. I needed the security of my best friend, but my friend was long gone, and in her stead was a beautiful woman with a cold dead heart.

It didn’t matter that she was flushed with heat in her cheeks. It didn’t matter that I could feel the warmth from her body brushing against me with how close I was to her. She was cold inside. The outside was a mirage—a treat for a thirsty, starving man—and I wasn’t about to fall for that trick.

Jenny had once owned my heart and soul. I had once wanted her more than anything, but life was a cruel, heartless bitch, and even if Jenny hadn’t destroyed my metaphorical heart, mentally and physically, I was no longer whole. I wouldn’t wish myself on my worst enemy, which these days just so happened to be the woman I was once madly in love with.

By the time I dropped Ashley at her hotel, which she was adamant about staying in, and made it back, the house was quiet. Everyone was asleep. Genie had stayed over; I could tell by the dolls and plastic tea sets scattered on the floor. Her girls, my nieces, were a joy. I hated that I had stayed away for so long. I missed their birth and the first couple of years of their lives. They were identical twins, who strangely looked a lot like me, and they were full of enough energy to run a large powerplant.

I picked up their mess so my mom wouldn’t have to the next morning, and then I went into the kitchen to get myself a bottle of water. I hadn’t drunk a lot at Sprints. I wasn’t much for drinking anymore, but I needed something to numb me. As it turned out, no amount of beer could have prepared me for the day I had or the moment I ran into Jenny fucking Michaels.

23

Jenny

I didn’t stay long after Josh left. Even through my hard exterior, I was having a hard time keeping the tears from falling after his comments about my weight. If it had been anyone else, I wouldn’t have cared. I would have replied with sarcasm followed by a kiss my ass remark. But not with Josh. He was my weakness and had been since we were younger.

Amy had come back just as Josh was walking away from me, and even though she didn’t mention it, I was sure she knew I was minutes away from breaking down.

“I’m beat,” I said, pretending I was tired instead of heartbroken.

Amy attempted to smile at me in an understanding manner, but I wasn’t stupid enough to believe she didn’t know something was up. She didn’t question me when I stood from my stool.

“I’m going to get home and get some rest.”

Keeping the tears out of my voice was an accomplishment. I had never been prouder of myself.

“Do you want me to go with you?” she asked.

“Thank you, but no. I want to get home and catch up on sleep. I had fun, though. We should do it again sometime.”

That was a lie.

I never wanted to go to Sprints again. I needed to stick with what I had been doing.

Work.

Caleb.

And nothing else.

It was easier that way.

We hugged, and I said goodbye to the group who had come with us. It was all people I didn’t really know, and I hadn’t said much to them and kept to myself at the bar. Amy didn’t seem to mind, so it worked out.

Once I was in my car, I tossed my things on the passenger’s seat and took a deep breath. It was as if I was breathing for the first time since seeing Josh’s face again. I replayed our interaction through my mind, thinking of all the things I wish I had said to him. If only had been able to think that clearly when I was face to face with him.

My car rumbled when I cranked it, drawing the attention of a few stragglers hanging out in the parking lot, and when I pulled away, I did so with my foot heavy on the gas pedal and leaving a bit of my tires behind.

Driving home, I went the long way, listening to the radio and feeling sorry for myself. Without Caleb in the car with me, I had no reason to hold it together, and I found myself sobbing behind the wheel at the last red light before my house.

Pathetic.

That was what I was.

A woman who had allowed a man to define her. I swore I would never be that woman, yet there I was, crying over careless words of the man I had spent most of my life loving.

“Fuck.” I sniffled and swiped at the tears rolling down my cheeks. “Get your shit together, Jenny.”

A car behind me honked their horn, letting me know the light was green, and I wasn’t moving. I pressed on the gas and sped away from the light, ready to get home and sleep the night off. Tomorrow would be a better day. Hopefully, I could forget Josh’s brutal words and move on.

Going home without Caleb was hard, but I knew he was in good hands with Lilly and Devin. When I pulled up to the house, the lights were out. I hadn’t stayed out late. The truth was, the second Josh walked away from me and left Sprints, I wanted to run. Going out had been a bad idea, and instead of getting out and having a nice time, I was coming home angry and hurt.

Once I was in my bedroom, I undressed, keeping my eyes away from the full-length mirror in the corner of my room. I didn’t want to see myself—to see that everything Josh had said earlier in the night was true.

I had let myself go.

It was what moms did.

I didn’t have time for healthy eating when my little man had days where he would only eat chicken nuggets. How was I supposed to find time to work eight to ten hours a day and go to the gym without missing out on time with my son? People had told me when I was pregnant how quickly time passed. One second, they’re wrinkled and tiny, snuggling in your arms like little balls of warmth, and the next, they’re running around outside and chasing the yard cats. They come inside dirty and smelling like a puppy with no signs of your tiny baby anywhere in sight.

I didn’t want to waste time in a gym when I could be snuggling on the couch with my boy watching cartoons. There were more important things. And since I had a feeling Caleb was going to be my only child, I meant to make time for the moments I would never get to experience again.

And while I knew my weight gain had more to do with my pregnancy, and the hell I had gone through to bring Caleb into the world, and less to do with gummy bears, it wasn’t like I would have told Josh that. Everyone in town knew I had a kid. I was sure he knew it too. And based on his too many cocks comment back at Sprints, I was sure he had been told the same things I heard whispered around town. I was the town whore with a kid and no clue who the father was, which was hilarious since I had only been with one person one time, and I knew exactly who Caleb’s father was.

Still, I let them think what they wanted because it was my life, and I could handle it. Too much time had passed. It was too late to tell the truth. Mr. Black had passed without ever knowing Caleb was his blood, and the guilt over that alone would keep my lips sealed.

It didn’t hurt that Josh had become a total dick.

No.

I would keep things the way they were. It was hard, yet it was easier for everyone. When you were a single mom with a rambunctious little boy, easy was always the best way to go.

I slept like shit that night, waking every hour and tossing and turning. When I finally did go into a deep sleep, it was almost morning. I got in close to two hours before I woke to Caleb jumping on the bed, and the morning sun tearing through my curtains.

 “Wake up, Mommy! I here. I here!”

He fell on top of me, and his elbow landed in the center of my stomach.

“Arg!” I called out, growling playfully at the pain. “You got me right in the tummy.”

He laughed and rolled onto his side beside me and wrapped his arm around me.

“I missed you,” he said, snuggling into me.

I pulled him closer, his little frame reminding me of all the reasons I had to be strong.

“I missed you more. Did you have fun with Uncle Devin and Aunt Lilly?”

He nodded, his soft brown hair bouncing with the movement. “We made cookies.”

“Yum. That sounds fun.”

The sounds of Devin, Lilly, and their two echoed into my room around the same time the smell of bacon wafted over me. I breathed it in, and my stomach growled in appreciation.

“Is Pop cooking breakfast?”

Caleb nodded again; his eyes wide in excitement. My boy loved bacon. Then again, who didn’t?

“Go get yourself some. I’m going to get dressed, and I’ll be right out.”

He jumped from the bed, landing hard on his feet, before he ran from the room screaming down the hallway for his pop to give him bacon.

I put on a bra and a pair of socks. The linoleum in the kitchen was sometimes cold against the bottoms of my feet. By the time I turned the corner into the kitchen, everyone was eating and laughing at something Emmy Bear was saying.

I walked by her, shuffled her dark curls, and leaned over to kiss her cheek.

“Did y’all leave me any bacon?” I asked before I went over to the coffeemaker and made myself a cup.

“Daddy said you don’t get none because you slept too late.”

I looked over at Devin, and he put his head down and laughed around his own piece of bacon.

“Yeah, well, your daddy can kiss my butt.”

She laughed.

“Did you have fun last night?” Lilly asked, wiping syrup from my nephew Jacob’s face.

It was amazing how much he looked like Devin when Dev was a little boy.

I nodded and blew over my hot cup. “Yeah. It was nice to get out for a bit. Thanks for keeping Caleb for me.”

“He was no problem. He and Jacob had a blast. They didn’t go to bed until almost ten. Lilly had them wired on sugar from baking cookies all night,” Devin said.

Lilly lifted her brow at him and shook her head. Even I knew he was full of shit. More than likely, he was the one who gave the boys sugar and let them stay up late. Devin was a great dad and an even better uncle. The boys loved him, and I was glad all the men in my family were so close.

“Any information on John’s funeral?” Dad asked, referring to Mr. Black and sending a wave of somberness over the family breakfast.

I shrugged. “Not yet.”

I hadn’t been to see Mrs. Black since Mr. Black passed. I was too scared I would bump into Josh. Telling Caleb about Mr. Black going to heaven had been hard enough. Especially since he didn’t understand and wasn’t handling it very well.

“What do you mean, not yet? When’s the last time you talked to Paula?”

Paula, aka Mrs. Black.

I picked up a piece of bacon and nibbled on it to buy some time. “Not since before,” I mumbled.

Dad’s eyes grew large. “You mean to tell me you ain’t went over there and seen her since he died? That man basically helped raise you. The least you could do is go over there and pay your respects. Hell, they spend just as much time with Caleb as the rest of us.”

My eyes clashed with Lilly’s at his words. She was the only person in the world who knew the truth about Josh being Caleb’s father.

“Dad, I’m sure they’re busy. I didn’t want to go over and bother them.”

Devin snorted. “More like you didn’t want to go over there and run into Josh. You can’t hide from him forever. He’s probably going to stay in town now that his daddy’s dead, so you’re bound to run into him sooner or later.”

I didn’t mention that I had already run into him or how he had basically ripped the flesh from my bones with his mean remark about my weight.

“I’ll go over after the funeral.”

Dad shook his head, clearly not pleased with me, and I looked away and finished my piece of bacon. The room went quiet for a bit. Even the kids remained quiet, somehow sensing how tense the moment was. Thankfully, Devin spoke up and cleared the moment.

“Dad said your car’s doing something funny. Have you figured out what it is?”

“Nope. I have no idea what it is. It’s running fine, but something’s clicking around the rear tire on the passenger side.”

“Want me to look at it?”

I nodded. “Yeah. I’d hate to be driving it with Caleb in the car and something happen. I’m pissed I can’t figure it out on my own. It’s probably something stupid that I overlooked.”

An hour later, I was under my car beside Devin checking the rear suspension. It took him no time at all to figure out the problem, leaving me embarrassed that I couldn’t figure it out. Once we fixed the issue, we lowered the car, and I went to work checking the fluids while Devin went over to their SUV and started doing the same.

He wasn’t working long before I heard him drop a tool and cuss.

“What happened?” I asked.

I looked over and noticed him holding his left hand and the blood seeping through his fingers.

I grabbed a rag from the table behind me and went over to him.

“What happened?”

“The wrench slipped. Fucking sliced my hand open on the engine. Damn, this shit hurts.”

I chuckled, handing him the rag.

“Man up, Dev. You have two kids, so we know you have balls.”

“Can we please not discuss my balls right now,” he gritted out as he wrapped his bleeding hand in a rag.

Droplets of blood splattered onto the oil-covered concrete at our feet.

“How badly did you cut it?”

He didn’t have time to answer before Lilly spoke up, startling us. “Oh my God, babe. What happened?”

And just like that, Devin was being babied like he wasn’t a grown-ass man.

He let her fuss over him, holding his hand out while she checked the cut and determined he needed stitches.

I chuckled to myself as I slammed the hood of my car shut. Devin had once wrapped his arm in duct tape instead of going to the hospital after accidentally shooting a nail in it with a nail gun. Now, he was being fussed over by the woman he loved and rushed to the hospital over something I was sure would only require a few stitches. Things had sure changed.

I tinkered around the garage in the backyard for a bit, killing time, before I went inside and showered to get ready for the funeral.

I wore a black dress that Lilly brought over for me. It wasn’t her size, which meant she had bought it for me, but I had learned early on not to bitch when she bought us things. It was easier to let her. Plus, I think it hurt her feelings when I refused things.

Instead of a pair of fancy heels, I wore a pair of black sandals, also new. It didn’t look bad, and it wasn’t like anyone was going to be looking at my feet. Hopefully, no one looked at me at all.

I dressed Caleb in a black Polo shirt and a nice pair of khakis, but he refused to leave the house in anything but his Spiderman shoes. He was a toddler. If anyone had anything to say about what my kid was wearing, they could kiss my entire ass, and these days, there was a lot back there.

Dad was waiting in the living room playing with Caleb when I came out of my room. He grinned and whistled when he saw me.

“Who the hell are you, and what did you do with my Jenny?” he joked.

“What? Would you prefer I wear my jeans and a T-shirt? Or is that too disrespectful for you?”

He chuckled and picked up Caleb while I grabbed my keys from the table. He followed me and put Caleb in his car seat before climbing in the passenger side of my car.

The graveyard wasn’t far, but we had left late enough that I had to park down the street since the small church parking lot was full. That was what I was aiming for. Devin and Lilly were waiting for us, both kids were dressed nicely and smiling when they saw me, and Daddy headed their way.

“Look how handsome you are, Caleb,” Lilly cooed, picking my son up and carrying him on her hip.

She smiled at me, and I knew what her game was. If she had both boys with her, maybe people wouldn’t know which was Caleb and which was Jacob. It was smart, and I was grateful for her.

We walked as a family into the little church, and when my family went toward the front to view Mr. Black, I stayed in back tucked away with Caleb hoping to disappear. Josh was nowhere to be seen, but I didn’t breathe again until we were leaving the church and walking over to the graveyard next to the church where Mr. Black would be laid to rest.

Everyone gathered around the dark green tent above the hole in the ground, I stayed behind everyone, hoping to hide behind Dad and Devin’s height. Caleb smiled at me from Lilly’s shoulder, and his smile somehow sent a wave of calm over me. Things would be okay. Funerals didn’t last long, and we would be back in my car and headed home in no time.

As soon as we reached the gathering, the double doors of the church opened, and the pallbearers came out, carrying a sleek black casket. The family walked behind them, and my eyes went straight to Josh, who was walking beside Mrs. Black with his hand resting on her back for support. Her eyes were red and puffy, and she wiped at her nose with a tissue that seemed to be falling apart. Genie and her husband, Jimmy, were directly behind them, and Genie followed her mom’s lead, wiping her tears from her splotchy face.

My heart broke for him, and I felt tears rush to my eyes, as well. The Blacks were my family. Even though Josh wasn’t home, I still went over and spent time with them, and when Caleb was born, Mr. and Mrs. Black had come to the hospital to see me and bring him a teddy bear. I had pictures of them holding Caleb with happy smiles on their faces as if he were their own grandson. The sickest part was, he was exactly that.

Still, without knowing that fact, they had taken us in and continued to treat me like part of the family. Caleb had become their world, alongside Genie’s twin girls, Grace and Hope, and they kept him when Lilly couldn’t, and I had to work. There were days when I would show up to pick him up to find him on the farm with Mr. Black. Some days, he would be inside while Mr. Black fed him his favorite baked goods. They were the perfect grandparents, and I was so glad they had become that to Caleb without me having to come clean with my secret. They were my son’s family, even if no one except Lilly and I knew that.

I put my head down and captured an escaped tear with my finger. When I looked up again, my eyes caught Josh’s, and his brows pulled down in an angry expression I hadn’t expected. Sure, he was a total dick at Sprints, but this was different. This was his father’s funeral. Surely, he didn’t think I wouldn’t come and pay my respects … say my goodbyes to the man who had been like a second father to me.

Josh looked handsome in his black suit. Without a hat on, his hair was brushed back, and he had grown a nice beard over the three years he was gone. It wasn’t too thick, and it wrapped around his kissable mouth before blending in with his sideburns. I liked it. More than I would ever admit to anyone.

I turned away, breaking his stare and moving closer to Dad’s back in hopes that Josh would forget I was there once he couldn’t see me anymore.

The funeral didn’t last long, and even from the back of the small crowd, I could hear Mrs. Black’s sobs over the preacher. After we bowed our heads and prayed over the casket, the crowd slowly broke apart, leaving only the close family and friends who were sitting in chairs beneath the green tent over the gravesite.

I took Caleb from Lilly and started to turn away, expecting Dad and the rest of the family to follow, but that didn’t happen. Instead, Dad grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the casket. I pulled back, digging my sandals into the grass, but he didn’t let me fight, and I ended up following him as he walked up to Mrs. Black and the rest of the Black family.

“Paula, I’m so sorry for your loss,” he said, placing a hand on her shoulder.

She reached up and patted his hand and nodded.

“If there’s anything y’all need, please let me know.”

And then he did something I hadn’t expected. He leaned back, put his large hand on my back, and pushed me toward the Black family.

I started to say something, but my eyes flickered to Josh’s, and the words stopped in my throat, making me sputter and cough. I tried again, but just as I opened my mouth to speak, Caleb interrupted me.

“Nanny, I miss Poppa,” he said to Mrs. Black, making her tear even more.

She stood and took Caleb into her arms and held him close. “I know, baby boy. I miss him, too.”

My eyes went to Josh’s yet again, but instead of looking at me, he was staring at his mother, and the boy he had no idea was his son. His nostrils flared in anger, but it was hurt I saw in his eyes. It was crushing him to watch his mother with Caleb, and I wasn’t sure why.

I stood there, unsure of what to do, until finally Caleb looked up at me, and said, “Mommy, I’m hungry. My tummy roared at me.”

He held his arms out for me to take him, and I pulled him into my arms, resting him on my hip. Josh stared, his eyes moving over Caleb before his angry expression dropped and was replaced with so much sadness that it made my knees weak.

He knew.

His expression said he was devastated, and while yes, he was burying his father, I was sure his expression had everything to do with seeing Caleb on my hip.

“I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Black was like a second dad to me, and it breaks my heart that he’s no longer with us. Like Dad said, if you need anything, please let us know.”

Quicker than I should have, I backed away from the family and started toward my car. Lilly called out from behind me, but I ignored her. Caleb latched on to me, his little arms around my neck in a crushing grip.

“Are we going to McDonalds, Mommy?”

Tears caught in my throat, and I blinked to clear the ones pressing at my tear ducts. “Yes, baby. Do you want a happy meal?”

I didn’t wait for Dad. He could catch a ride with Devin and Lilly. Quickly, I buckled Caleb in his seat and closed the passenger side door. I was ready to get the hell out of there, but when I turned to go toward the driver’s side, I walked straight into Josh’s chest.

His hands came up and caught my biceps, and the heat from his touch rushed through my body, leaving me feeling weak and desperate for more. I couldn’t look him in the face. Instead, I opted to stare down at his shiny black shoes. I knew what was coming. He would want answers I wasn’t ready to give. What would everyone say when they found out I had kept the truth about Josh being Caleb’s father from everyone? From his family, who had raised Caleb like a grandson anyway. If I didn’t like the town gossiping about me, I really wouldn’t like it when the entire town hated me for lying to “the golden boy.”

I closed my eyes and prepared myself for what was coming, but Josh surprised me when he said, “You have some balls showing up here.”

I looked up in shock.

“Excuse me?”

That was not what I had expected him to say at all.

“You heard me.”

I shook my arms from his grasp and backed away. “What do you want, Josh?” I sighed in exhaustion.

“I thought we understood that we’d stay away from each other.”

“You thought I would skip Dad’s—”

“Don’t call him that,” he snapped, cutting me off.

“You thought I’d miss his funeral? What kind of person do you think I am, Josh?”

“A cold-hearted bitch.”

Anger rushed up my spine, and I exploded.

“You know what! I’ve kept quiet while you’ve been a total asshole toward me because I felt bad for you since your dad just died, but there’s only so much of your bullshit I’ll take, Josh, and you know it. You know me. You know how I am.”

He chuckled sarcastically. “I don’t know you at all.”

“Whatever. I don’t have time for this.” I turned to walk away, but he stopped me.

“Mom said you haven’t been by since Dad died. Don’t stay away on my account. Especially if she wants to see you, but make sure I’m not around. Just don’t upset her anymore, okay?”

My heart ached. Upsetting Mrs. Black was the last thing I wanted to do.

“I’m sorry I upset her. I just thought since you were a total dick the last time I saw you, I should probably stay away.”

“From me, yes, but right now, until she’s stronger, if she wants you around, that’s fine. Just stay out of my way.”

“More like you should stay out of my way.” I turned away from him, but again, he stopped me.

He let go of my arm and touched the sleeve of my black dress with two fingers.

“Black was never your color. It washes you out so badly.”

Hurt struck my heart, but instead, I chuckled and shook my head. “More insults? Really, Josh? How old are you?”

“Old enough to know to stay away from shitty people like you.”

I was getting mad, which was a good thing since before I felt like crying, and crying in front of Josh was the last thing I wanted to do.

“Oh my God! Whatever, Josh,” I exploded. “I’m the shitty person?” I asked, jabbing myself in the chest with my finger. “You’re the one who had your entire family kick me out of your house. You pushed me away, not the other way around. You pushed, and I ran.”

“And that’s exactly what you did, isn’t it? You hauled ass back to Texas and rode every cock in sight. Fuck me and my family, right?”

My mouth fell open at his words. It was time he knew how fucking wrong he was. It was time I stood up for myself. I could do that without telling him he was Caleb’s father. I could lie and say there was one other person. Sleeping with two men wasn’t slutty, as the town called it. But just as I opened my mouth to tell him how wrong he was about me, Caleb tapped on the back glass of my car and called out for me.

“Mommy!” His muffled voice sounded from inside my car.

My baby was hungry, and the more I thought about it, the less I gave two shits about what Joshua fucking Black thought about me.

“You know what, Josh? Fuck you. Fuck you hard.”

His chuckle was dry. “No, thanks. There’s no telling how many men have plowed that field.”

Then he turned and walked away from me, leaving me staring at his back with the strong desire to get in my car and run him over. If it hadn’t been for my baby boy in the back seat begging for chicken nuggets, I probably would have.

24

Josh

Seeing Jenny would never get easy. The hurt and anger would always be there for as long as I lived. But seeing her lift her little boy into her arms and knowing I would never have that with her, or anyone for that matter, shattered me. My heartbreak and resentment transformed into something dangerous that I wasn’t sure I could control.

When she walked away from my mom, her son on her hip, and her long hair falling down her back almost touching her round luscious ass, I found myself following her, my shoes tearing across the grass in angry strides that brought me to the car she had gotten for graduation.

I tried not to admire how nice it looked while I waited impatiently for her to buckle her son it. When she shut the door and I was sure the little guy wouldn’t hear me, I let loose on her. Angry words spewed from my lips, and even though I knew I would feel like shit later that night, I didn’t stop them. I was hurting, and I wanted her to hurt too. It was only fair.

When I walked away from her, I did so with my heart in my stomach. Bile and acid ate it, making me burn everywhere. I was in the process of burying my father. My mother wouldn’t stop fucking crying, and my sister was being the biggest bitch on the East Coast.

I was aware that I had fucked up. I was aware that a good son would have been there. I knew I was a piece of shit, but I couldn’t rewind time, and if I could, I would go back to the moment I enlisted in the military.

That would have changed everything. I wouldn’t have gone to boot camp. I would have spent the summer after graduation with Jenny, loving her and being loved by her. Then I would have waited at home while she went to college. I would have been there to work on the farm for my dad, allowing him to retire and work when he wanted to. And once Jenny came home from college, I would have asked her to marry me. We would be together. We would have kids. Things would be as they should be.

But that wasn’t possible. Instead, Jenny and I were nothing to each other, and my father was cold in a casket waiting to be stuffed in the ground. I could never have kids, and I wasn’t sure I would ever be myself again mentally or physically.

Jenny’s car roared to life behind me, the engine sounding as beautiful as I imagined Jenny’s muscle car would sound, and I heard the engine switch gears when she pulled away from the curb and took off down the street.

The rest of the day was a blur. We returned to the house where people brought food and visited with my mom. I stood in the corner and prayed that Jenny wouldn’t come through the front door. Slowly, the crowd began to clear from the house, leaving me alone with Mom, Genie, Jimmy, their girls, and Ashley, who was packed and waiting for her Uber to take her to the airport even though I told her I would drive her.

I wasn’t sure how things would go once Ashley left. She was my support, had been since the fucking IED blew our shit to pieces. She assured me I would be fine without her, but I worried. My family hadn’t seen me have one of my episodes, and although it had been a long while since I’d had one, I worried that all the stress of the past few days would push me over the edge.

“Call me if you need me, okay?” she said as I loaded her bags in the back of a little Ford Focus her Uber driver was driving.

“I will.”

She put her hand on her hip and tilted her head to the side. “I’m serious, Josh. We’re in this together, right?”

I shut the trunk and nodded. “We are. I promise I’ll call.”

She leaned in to hug me, and I squeezed her. “Thank you for being here.”

“Any time. You can do this.”

“I hope so.”

I helped her into the back seat of the small four-door car. Before I shut the door, she leaned in and kissed me on the cheek.

“You’re the strongest man I know.”

I chuckled. “What would Trevor say if he heard you say that?”

She smiled. “He knows what we’ve been through. He would agree. Trust me.”

“Let me know when you make it home.”

“I will.”

I shut the door behind her and stood and watched until the taillights of the car faded away. When I went back inside, Mom was already in her room getting ready for bed, and Genie was cleaning.

“I’ll get it. Get the girls to bed,” I said, taking the washcloth from her.

She let it go and nodded. “I’m sorry if I’ve been a bitch. I just miss him.”

She burst into tears, and I pulled her into my arms, letting her cry on my shoulder. Jimmy stood to the side and held the girls, letting us have a moment to mourn our dad.

I rubbed her back. “You were right. I should have come home. If I had, maybe he would still be alive.”

She pulled back and swiped at her eyes. “No. This isn’t your fault. Don’t you start blaming yourself just as I apologize.”

“But it’s the truth.”

“Daddy would’ve worked until the day he died whether you had come home or not. We both know that, Josh. Sure, you would’ve been here to help, but he wouldn’t have slowed down a bit. These things happen. It didn’t help that he smothered everything in salt and ate bacon like someone was going to steal it from him.” She giggled through her tears and swiped at her face again.

I chuckled. “He did love his bacon, didn’t he?”

We laughed for the first time in forever, and she leaned in and hugged me once again.

“Listen, I’m going to take the girls home tonight. It’s time I get them settled into their bed and try to get things back to normal. Think you’ll be okay here with Momma?”

I nodded even though I was nervous about how well I would handle things now that everything was settling down. “We’ll be fine. Get the girls home and get some rest.”

I kissed her on the forehead and hugged the girls. After I shook Jimmy’s hand, they left, and I closed and locked the door behind them.

The quiet house welcomed me, and sleep begged me to let it in, but instead of going to my room, I went into the kitchen and starting cleaning and putting away the food people had brought to the house. By the time everything was done, it was well after midnight. I checked on Mom and found her sleeping with her dress still on. I covered her before going for a quick shower. Once I was in my bed, the events of the day flew through my mind on a loop.

The funeral.

Jenny and her family showing up.

And Jenny’s little boy and the way his sweet little voice sounded when he called her mommy.

I clenched my eyes closed and begged for sleep to take me, but all I could hear was his voice. All I could see was her expression when she looked down at him and how much love she had for that tiny boy. And when sleep finally took me, it was with only one thought. That little boy could have been mine. I could have had a family of my own.

I woke gasping for air. The sounds of explosions ripped through my room, and it felt as if the walls were shaking. I tossed about under my sheet, ridding myself of what felt like cloth strapping me to my bed, and I jumped up, my mattress creaking and popped as if it were full of land mines.

The rush across my room had me tripping over things that I envision were body parts, wrecked and mangled all around me, and I slammed into my dresser, making the mirror sitting on top if it shake and threaten to flatten me.

Reaching up, I placed my hands on the sides of it to keep it from falling, and my eyes skimmed the pictures of my past that were taped around the edges.

Jenny.

My friends.

My life before it was detonated into nothing.

Light from the moon sliced into my room and illuminated my reflection. For a second, I didn’t know myself or the person staring back at me. Sweat coated my chest, my dog tags stuck to the center like a beacon, a reminder of being altered completely in a matter of seconds. My abs flexed with each quick deep breath I pulled in. If I hadn’t been in just my boxers, I would have ran from the house and breathed in the fresh air. I felt as if I was smothering to death.

Quickly, I pulled on a pair of jeans and snatched a T-shirt from the top drawer of my dresser. I grabbed my keys and then crept through the house, careful not to wake my mom. Once I was outside, I felt as though I could breathe easier, but I still needed to go. Movement was key. If I was running, whatever was chasing me couldn’t catch me. If I stood still, things would go to hell. It was the only way to keep the explosions and panic at bay.

I got in my truck and cranked the loud engine, hoping the noise didn’t wake my mom. I drove around town, taking in the places I hadn’t seen in forever and stopping at lights even though the place was a ghost town at four in the morning. An hour later, I found myself parked in front of Jenny’s place.

I didn’t pull into the driveway, but it wasn’t the first time I found myself parked outside her place since my injury. Just as it had been in the beginning back in Texas, knowing I was close to her helped my anxiety.

The old house looked the same. The porch was chipped and looked as though it was minutes from falling. The screened door was hanging unevenly, waiting to snap back and take off your fingers if you didn’t move them quick enough. The only real difference was the garage. There weren’t as many cars and trucks parked out front, but I assumed that was because Devin and Jenny’s dad had moved their business to a different part of town. At least that was what my mom had told me.

My eyes skimmed their yard, taking in the toys I was sure belonged to Jenny’s son and the broken pieces of pottery that had seen much better days. The ranch fencing that had once looked nice was falling apart and into the ditch in front of their house.

Then I noticed other things. Like the new windows in the house. The roof had been replaced. Things were slowly being fixed there, and I knew it had to do with Jenny’s new sister-in-law, Lilly. Jenny had told me when Devin had first started dating Lilly that she was loaded. I smiled a little to myself, knowing the house was finally getting some love.

I cut the engine and sat back, relaxing in the seat and staring up at the star-filled sky. The crickets in the ditch next to me filled the night with their music, and on occasion, a car would pass me. I felt my panic and anxiety slowly melt away, and even if I didn’t want to admit it, I knew it was because I was near Jenny.

My body relaxed, and my eyes slowly started to drop. When I got to Jenny’s, I hadn’t planned on falling asleep, but the next thing I knew, I was waking up, the sun was blazing into my truck, and Jenny was pounding on the driver’s side window and glaring in at me.

25

Jenny

Caleb slept in the bed with me, which meant I didn’t get much sleep. I spent most of the night replaying the day’s events on loop. Josh and his expression when he saw Caleb. The fear I felt when I thought he had realized Caleb was his son. And the way he treated me with so much hatred as if we hadn’t spent a lifetime together.

With Caleb at my side snoring, I played on my phone instead of getting out of bed, looking at Pinterest and pinning things I would never do. It wasn’t until my dad tapped on my door and opened it that I sat up.

“What’s up?” I asked.

“Josh is sleeping in his truck outside. Maybe you ought to go wake him and get him home?”

That made no sense at all.

“He’s sleeping in our yard?” I asked to be sure I had heard him correctly.

He nodded. “Well, not in the yard but just by the driveway. Go out there and talk to him. See if y’all can’t straighten things out.”

I snorted. “That’s not going to happen. We hate each other, Dad.”

“Fine. No talking, but at least tell him to go home.”

And then he left, closing the door softly so he didn’t wake Caleb.

I put my phone on charge next to my bed and got up to do as my dad asked. Without bothering with dressing, I went outside in my pajamas. A purple set with llamas all over them that Lilly had gotten me the Christmas before. Josh had seen me in worse, and honestly, he already had a bad opinion about the way I looked, so I no longer gave a shit.

My flip-flops slapped against the ground as I cut through the cool morning, and the dew on the grass wet the tips of my toes and clung to the bottom of my pajama bottoms. As soon as I cleared the bush next to my driveway, I saw Josh’s truck, which was parked where Dad said it was. The tires were barely on the road just beside the large ditch at the front of my yard.

Seeing his truck parked so close to my house reminded me of when we were younger. I envisioned him climbing down from his truck dressed to go fishing with his hat on backward and the fishing poles sticking out the back. I missed those days so much it hurt to even think of them.

It wasn’t that I hadn’t seen his truck in a while or anything. He hadn’t taken it with him, so it was always parked in the driveaway at his parents’ house. On occasion, I would see Genie driving it around town, which would send my heart into overdrive, thinking he was back.

When I reached the driver’s side door, I stood there and watched him sleep. In sleep, his expression was lax. His long dark lashes rested on his high cheekbones, and his plump lips were open just a bit. I longed to feel his hot breath on my fingertips … to touch his soft lips and know that he was real. When he was softly sleeping that way, I could almost forget the way he acted at Sprints.

He was resting. He wasn’t staring back at me angry or spouting cruel words, and when I looked at him while he slept, I could almost see the boy he used to be in his relaxed features. He was just Josh. My best friend. The boy I loved. The one person in the entire world who got me.

I pressed my fingertips to the glass, and the heat of my touch against the cold windows left a mark. I closed my eyes, wishing it was him I was touching instead of his truck window. Then the memory of him talking about my weight moved over my brain, knocking me back into the correct headspace, and instead of lightly touching the glass, I found myself pounding on it with the side of my fist.

He jerked, looking around his truck after being abruptly awakened before he turned, and his eyes landed on me. I saw him sigh in annoyance before he reached out and rolled the window down.

“Why are you sleeping in my yard?” I asked before he could say anything rude and piss me off.

He looked around before lying his head on the back of the seat and breathing deeply. “This isn’t your yard.”

“It’s practically my fucking driveaway.”

He waved me off. “It’s too early for your shit. Go back in the house.”

The nerve of this motherfucker.

“Seriously?”

He turned my way, and his eyes moved over me face. “You look like shit. Did you just wake up?”

“It’s seven in the morning. What do you think? I ask again, why are you sleeping in my driveway?”

“Not that it’s any of your business, but I haven’t been home in three years. I went for a ride last night to see how much things have changed.”

“Your girlfriend didn’t want to come along?”

I hadn’t meant to say it. As soon as the words left my lips, I could hear how pathetic they sounded.

“Girlfriend?”

“Yeah. The girl at Sprints with you.”

“Again, not that it’s any of your business, but she’s just a friend.”

“Right. I bet they’re all ‘just friends.’” I used air quotations with my fingers.

He shook his head. “I’m not like you.”

In other words, he wasn’t a big mcslut muffin.

“Right,” I said, elongating the word. “I forgot. You don’t sleep around the way I do. Got it.”

His brows pulled down in confusion when I openly admitted what the town was saying.

There was no hiding from their gossip. As far as they were concerned, I was just a big ole whore. A nasty one, too. Apparently, I had let at least five different guys run a train on me in Texas and possibly a few girls, too. Who the hell knew? The story grew more elaborate every time I heard it. All that was missing was a large scarlet A on the front of all my T-shirts.

“Anyway,” I changed the subject. “Nothing’s changed,” I said as I crossed my arms over my chest.

I hadn’t realized until that very moment that I wasn’t wearing a bra.

“I thought I’d come by and see how the old place looked,” he continued as if I hadn’t spoken. “Same old dump.”

Then he sat up and turned the key in the ignition, bringing his truck to life. His truck door rumbled against the front of my body, making me step away.

“That’s an asshole thing to say.”

It might have been old and a little run-down, but it was my home. I grew up there. Hell, he had grown up there in a lot of ways too. My home had never been too much of a shithole for him before.

“I’m an asshole, so it’s only natural.”

I snorted. “You said it, not me. Well, as you can see, this place looks the same. Some things don’t change,” I said, referring to his new shitty attitude toward everything.

He put the truck in gear and looked over at me. His dark eyes skimmed my face before dipping over the parts of my body he could see. “Everything changes.”

I wanted to cover myself. I knew what he was saying without saying it.

You’re a fat ass, Jenny.

You’re not the same girl you used to be.

My eyes flittered across his expression in the morning sunlight. I could almost see the boy he used to be in his eyes before his features tightened, and his eyes thinned in annoyance.

“You’re right. Everything changes,” I said.

Then I backed away from his truck just as he began to roll up his window in my face. He sped away from the front of my yard, leaving rubber on the street as a reminder of him being there.

I stood in the yard with my arms crossed, staring in the direction he had gone.

He really was different. As much as I hated to think it, my Josh was long gone. In a way, I felt like I was grieving him alongside his father.

The screened door slammed behind me when I went inside. I slid my flip-flops from my feet by the door and went straight for the coffeepot.

“What was that about?” Daddy asked from behind his newspaper.

He was probably the only man left in the world who still had the paper delivered. I tried once to teach him how to read the news on his phone, but he wasn’t having it. The man had an eight-hundred-dollar phone Lilly had gotten him for Christmas one year, and he literally only used it to make phone calls. I had never even seen him text before.

“Your guess is as good as mine.” I shrugged and took a sip of my hot coffee once I had sweetened and creamed it properly.

He hummed behind his paper, the sound of the papers shuffling when he turned the page before he spoke again.

“Maybe you ought to go over and check on Paula today. See how she’s holding up and if she needs anything.”

I paused, my coffee cup halfway to my mouth. “Wow, Dad, you’re not obvious at all.”

He chuckled. “I’m serious. All the Josh bullshit aside, she needs you now more than ever. Take Caleb over and let them spend some time together. You know how much she loves Caleb.”

And I did.

It was the only reason I agreed to what he was saying and got Caleb and me dressed after breakfast to head over and see how she was doing.

Thankfully, when I pulled up, Josh’s truck was nowhere to be seen. I unhooked Caleb from his seat in the back and let him run loose up the front porch to Mrs. Black’s front door. Without even knocking, he ran inside.

“Caleb, wait!” I called out.

It wasn’t unusual for him to go inside whenever he wanted. They welcomed him always, but I wasn’t sure if things had changed since Mr. Black was no longer there.

I followed him inside to find him climbing into Mrs. Black’s lap. She giggled at him and wrapped her arms around him.

“Oh, he’s all right. Come on in,” she said to me over the top of Caleb’s head. “My boy knows he can come in Nanny’s house anytime he wants. Ain’t that right, pretty boy?”

Caleb shook his head and grinned up at me.

Brat.

I shook my head and snorted before taking a seat on the couch across from her.

“How are you feeling?” I asked, tossing my bag onto the couch beside me.

I wasn’t much for carrying a purse, but when you have a kid, you needed something. Lilly bought me a camouflage diaper bag that did the trick just fine. Caleb was long out of diapers, but I liked it. The strap was comfortable, and it didn’t look like a purse whatsoever.

“I’m doing as well as I can expect.”

I didn’t push. Instead, I sat and chatted with her while she played and talked with Caleb. Seeing Caleb play with Josh’s old toys that we used to play with was unreal. Sometimes, he would look up at me, and I could Josh in his features. It sent me back to the days when we would play cars on his momma’s living room floor when it was raining outside.

I looked away, my eyes taking in my second home, and again, sadness swooped over me.

I missed Josh.

“Oh, that reminds me,” Mrs. Black said, taking my attention away from old memories. “I have something for you.” She stood, taking Caleb with her until she reached the small side table beside their stone fireplace. There was a single drawer in the table. One I knew used to be full of junk.

She pulled the drawer open and tugged out an old worn baseball mitt that had belonged to Mr. Black. I knew the mitt well. Josh and I were never allowed to play with it when we were growing up because it was Josh’s grandfather’s when he played professionally for the Braves back when they were in Boston. He played with them for almost two years before his arm went bad. The mitt was a treasured item in the Black household.

“Here you go, little man. Poppa wanted you to have this,” she said, handing the old baseball mitt to Caleb.

I stood from the couch, feeling the house shift around me.

I knew for a fact, aside from his family and his farm, the baseball mitt had been Mr. Black’s most prized possession.

“I can’t let him take that,” I said, reaching for the mitt before Caleb was able to get a good grip on it. “That thing meant the world to Mr. Black.”

Her eyes watered. “No. Caleb meant the world to John, which was only natural. Grandparents aren’t supposed to pick favorites, but a man has a special bond with his first grandson.”

I gasped.

If only she knew how close she was to the truth.

“I know, but I think you should hold onto it for—”

“We know, Jenny,” she said, cutting me off. She looked up at me and smiled sadly. “We’ve always known Caleb was ours.”

My knees went weak, buckling beneath me. The old brown couch behind me caught my fall, and I sat.

“What?” I whispered.

I was sure I heard her wrong.

“We didn’t say anything because you didn’t, and we weren’t sure how you’d respond. In so many ways, we had already lost our son. We didn’t want to lose Caleb, too, and we were afraid you’d keep him away from us. But once we laid eyes on that little boy in the hospital, we knew.”

My ability to breathe became hard, and a lump rose in my throat that was beginning to choke me.

“But how?”

Caleb looked like me. He always had. It was the main reason I was able to lie, and people believed me so easily.

Turning back toward the table, she pulled an old photo from the drawer and handed it over me. I took it and looked at it. Staring back at me was Caleb’s twin. The same sable hair. The same dark eyes and mischievous smirk. The kid in the photo could have passed for Caleb.

“Is this …?”

I couldn’t even say Josh’s name.

“Yes. It’s Josh. Before you guys met in school. He was only two in that picture, but the resemblance is uncanny.”

I had no idea.

“I’m so sorry,” I said, feeling tears dribble down my cheeks.

She sat beside me and set Caleb down. He dropped to the floor and started playing with the cars they kept at the house for him without even realizing the massive thing that was happening at that moment.

“Don’t you dare apologize. We understood. So much happened with Josh, and everything happened so fast. We wanted to confront you, but we were never sure if Josh was ready for that kind of news. It wasn’t long before too much time had passed, and we felt like it was too late. Josh was already living away from home. The last thing we wanted was for him to hate us.”

I nodded in understanding. The same happened with me. Too much happened. Too much time had passed.

“Are you going to tell him?” I asked, swiping at my tears.

She shook her head. “But I think you should. Y’all might not be close anymore, but he has the right to know. He’s already missed so much, Jenny. I don’t want my son to miss any more.”

I sniffed and swiped at my nose with the back of my hand.

She was right.

I couldn’t keep my secret forever. Especially now that I knew she was aware that Caleb was a true grandson.

“I will when the time’s right. I promise. Right now, he just lost his father. I can’t spring Caleb on him like that. He already hates me. I’m not sure I want to make it worse yet.”

It was wrong.

So wrong.

He deserved to know, and now knowing Mr. and Mrs. Black had always known, I knew my days of keeping my secret were limited. It was time.

Then it hit me.

The guilt I had felt that Mr. Black had never known that Caleb was his grandson slowly dissolved, and my tears started anew. I covered my face with my hands and let the tears fall.

“What is it?” Mrs. Black asked, rubbing my back in a soothing manner.

“He knew Caleb was his,” I whispered, running my fingers over the old baseball mitt. “Mr. Black knew he was his grandson.”

I couldn’t help but smile, feeling such relief with that bit of news.

“Oh, he knew. I’m surprised you didn’t see it with how much he loved that boy. It was obvious. That little boy had his Poppa wrapped right around his little finger.”

I laughed, again swiping at my tears. “That he did.”

“Anyway, we’ll deal with the details of everything, but you should know when I’m gone, Caleb will get as much of this farm as the rest of the family. He’s one of us. You, too. I’m not rushing you to tell Josh, but just know, one day he’s going to have questions.”

I nodded. “Soon. I’ll tell him soon.”

The door opened as soon as the words left my mouth, and Josh stepped in looking as if he had spent the night in his truck, which I happened to know he had. His eyes moved over my face before he turned and closed the door behind him.

“Where have you been?” Mrs. Black asked him.

His eyes slid over my face again before they fell to the floor and landed on Caleb, who was playing with cars and toys that used to belong to him.

“I was out looking over things. I plan on getting back to work as soon as possible. I can’t sit for long, and this place ain’t going to run itself.”

Mrs. Black started to smile but quickly recovered. “Oh. You’re planning on sticking around?”

He leaned against the wall, crossed his arms, and nodded. “Daddy would roll over in his grave if I left and didn’t take care of this place.”

She nodded, her eyes going a little misty. “Yeah, he would. I’m glad to hear it.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” Caleb copied her, shocking all of us.

He stood and went to Josh, sticking his hand out for a handshake the way Mr. Black had taught him. “Hi. I Caleb.”

Josh smiled uncomfortably before he moved away from the wall and took Caleb’s little chubby hand to shake it. “I’m Josh. Nice to meet you, little man.”

Tears filled my eyes, and I looked at Mrs. Black to see she had a similar response.

“You look like my Poppa,” Caleb pointed out. “I miss him.”

Josh’s face went soft, and he nodded. “I miss him too, buddy. What do you have there?” Josh said, changing the subject and pointing at the toys on the floor.

He followed Caleb over to the toys and then sat beside him on the floor and patiently listened while Caleb showed him toys that he had played with himself when he was younger.

I had never seen it before. At least not until Mrs. Black had handed me the photo of Josh when he was Caleb’s age, but the resemblance was there. Seeing the two of them sitting side by side, their facial expressions matching in so many ways, it wouldn’t be long with Josh in town before everyone started to see the same things. I couldn’t let him find out from someone else. I had to be the one to do it.

I had to tell him soon.

Not today.

Not tomorrow.

But soon.

26

Josh

I didn’t look at Jenny. Instead, I focused on the little boy in front of me, playing with my old toys and looking too adorable for his good. I wanted to dislike him … relay a bit of my hatred for his mother onto him, but I couldn’t. He had nothing to do with our past, and it wasn’t his fault I couldn’t have kids. It wasn’t his fault my mother and father adored him. Hell, I could see his charm. I didn’t blame Mom and Dad.

He held up an old truck I used to play with and showed me how it could shoot small targets out of its side. I pretended to be shocked by what he was doing even though I had shot many a target with the truck when I was little.

“That’s really cool. You should keep that toy if you love it so much,” I said, pushing another car alongside his and pretending to race.

His brown eyes grew wide, and he looked up at me. “This is Poppa’s toy. I can’t take his toy. What will we play with when he comes home?”

I heard Jenny gasp from her seat. I gasped a little myself.

The sweet boy thought my dad was going to come home. He wasn’t quite grasping the concept.

I knew it wasn’t my place, but I answered anyway, hoping I was saying the right thing.

“But Poppa’s in heaven now. It’s too far away for him to come back. Otherwise, I’m sure he would come back to hang with you all the time.”

His large brown eyes grew misty, the resemblance to a puppy dog broke my heart.

“He’s never coming back ever?” he asked, his bottom lip trembling.

I shook my head, hating being the one crushing his gentle heart. “No, little man, I’m afraid not. But guess what?”

My brain worked overtime to come up with a way to ease his hurt.

“What?” he asked, champing at the bit for happy information.

Horses.

I saw the pictures of him and my dad with the horses. Immediately, an idea came to me. I leaned down close to him and pretended I was telling him a top secret bit of information.

“I heard heaven has a farm just for Poppa full of horses for him to take care of.”

His large brown eyes grew impossibly bigger. He sucked in a shocked breath before he whispered, “Really?”

I nodded and looked around like I was trying to make sure no one else heard what we were saying.

“Yep. The poor things wouldn’t survive without him.”

Relief filled my chest when a tiny smile pulled at his pouty mouth.

“Then I’m glad he’s there to take care of them.”

I swallowed, feeling terrible for saying it but knowing it was for the greater good.

“Me too.”

I wasn’t glad my dad was gone, but whatever helped Caleb get through the loss of my dad. He was so young. It was hard for him to understand.

“I miss him.”

I reached up and ruffled his soft sable hair. “Me too, buddy. But he can see us whenever he wants. We just can’t see him.”

“So, he could be here right now? We just can’t see him?”

I nodded. “Yep. And knowing Poppa, he’s probably been here for a while watching you play.”

Caleb grinned and pushed his toy farther across the room and toward my dad’s favorite chair. Then I heard him whisper something as he crawled up into the chair as if my dad was sitting there.

“I miss you, Poppa. Don’t let the horses die.”

I couldn’t take much more.

His little words were breaking my heart, but when I looked up and saw my mom smiling through her tears, I knew having Caleb around was good for her.

“I need a shower,” I said, standing and leaving the room without another word.

Getting close to Jenny’s kid was the last thing in the world I needed to do. Staying away from her and her family was what was best.

I showered, washing away a night of sleeping in my truck, and got dressed. The guys from high school had found out I was back in town and wanted to get together and play some pool at Player’s Place, which was surprisingly still open.

Once I was showered and dressed, I went into the living room to find Jenny and Caleb were still there talking to my mom.

“Where are you headed?” Mom asked.

“The guys want to have a few beers and play some pool. I figured since I hadn’t seen anyone in so long, I’d go.”

“That’s good. You should go with him, Jenny. It could be just like old times.” She directed her attention to Jenny.

I opened my mouth to say hell no, but before I could, Jenny spoke up.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. It’s been so long,” she said, confusing me.

I had always assumed Jenny was home and had taken custody of our old friends.

Guess I was wrong.

“What do you mean?” I asked, curiosity getting the best of me.

Mom answered for her. “The town hasn’t been very nice to Jenny these days. Only a handful of people from high school even speak to her.”

My eyes went to Jenny, and I watched as her shoulders grew tense and her face paled. She never would have admitted that herself. She was too prideful. And while knowing half of the town and most of the people we went to school with had written her off should have made me happy, it didn’t. I mean, I was glad our old friends had my back, but at the same time, the old parts of me that still cared for Jenny wanted to protect her from their backlash.

“It’s fine,” Jenny said, waving off Mom’s remarks. “I’m way too busy to hang out these days anyway.”

“Too many dates?” I asked sarcastically before I thought better of it.

Mom’s cheeks reddened, and she stood, pointing a single finger at me. “You take that back, Josh. I’ll have you know; Jenny hasn’t dated a single person since she’s been home, and furthermore …”

“Please, Mrs. Black, it’s fine,” Jenny spoke up, trying to stop my mom, but Momma kept going.

“All the poor girl does is take care of her son and work. This town’s full of a bunch of backward rednecks who would rather sit around and talk trash about her than help her out. I say it’s a damn good thing she’s not around those old friends. Real friends wouldn’t have written her off so easily. Things happen. That’s life.”

She sat back down, huffing with anger at the way the town was treating Jenny. I had heard everything she said, but the only sentence that radiated with me was the fact that Jenny hadn’t dated once since she came home.

That was three years ago.

“Is that true?” I asked Jenny when the room quieted.

She looked up at me, her green eyes moving over my face like a soft caress.

“Which part?” she asked.

It was nice that we were able to be civil in front of Momma.

“You haven’t dated in three years?”

She chuckled and shook her head. “There’s no one in this town I’d be willing to date anyway. It’s no big deal.”

She was wrong.

It was a huge deal.

I spent the past three years of my life wondering which of my old friends she was fucking. To find out that she had essentially been a saint since she got back to South Carolina had been like a salve on my old wounds.

“But I saw you at Sprints.”

My assumptions were making an ass out of me. When I saw her at Sprints, sitting at the bar alone and drinking, I assumed she was a regular.

“You went to Sprints?” Mom asked, shocked. “You mean you actually went out. That’s great, Jenny.”

Jenny rolled her eyes and sighed. “It was once. And only because Amy Faulkner made me.”

So going to Sprints wasn’t a regular thing for her.

Did she really do nothing but work and take care of her son?

That wasn’t the Jenny I used to know. Old Jenny was loads of fun with friends even though she didn’t like people all that much. She was always on the go and always ready and willing to do something crazy. It seemed these days she was just a single mom who worked too damn much.

Even though I hated myself the second the words left my mouth, I said, “You should come to Player’s. I bet everyone would be happy to see you.”

Her smile was stiff, and I knew I had hit a soft spot.

“That’s unlikely. They see me around. They ignore me.”

I had never known Jenny to give a shit what people thought, but seeing the way she was responding to the current conversation, I could tell she was bothered.

“Fuck them. Since when do you back down from people?” I asked, wishing she would find her old backbone and put it to use.

“Watch your language, Josh,” Mom muttered.

“It’s not backing down,” Jenny argued. “They don’t want to be around me, and I don’t want to be around them. I work. I don’t have time for their childish games and gossip.”

She was bothered. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have called them childish.

“You should go just to spite them.”

She grinned a little, and a spark I hadn’t felt in three long years slid through me. I missed this. I missed her. Going out for the night wasn’t giving in to her. It didn’t mean I hated her any less. It just meant I felt bad that every person in town had taken my side. Sure, I wasn’t the one who had gone and slept my way through Texas, but I was positive no one knew how badly I had ripped through Jenny when I was broken and bruised and pushing her away.

“No thanks,” she said before standing and gathering her things. “Come on, Caleb, we need to get home, baby.”

I didn’t respond.

If she didn’t want to go, then that was her business. Maybe it was a good thing. I didn’t want her thinking I was growing soft toward her. I still needed to stick to my guns and stay away from Jenny. And that was exactly what I would do.

Player’s Place looked the same. Not a picture frame had been moved. Once inside, I looked around the place until I saw the group in the corner laughing and drinking. I started toward them, and Vaughn was the first one to notice me.

“It’s about fucking time you showed your ugly mug,” he said, standing and pulling me into a half hug.

If it was possible, Vaughn had gotten even bigger. He hadn’t stuck around Walterboro. Instead, he bombed out of college before moving to Charleston where he owned an expensive boat shop, courtesy of his daddy’s money. Apparently, he also married well, moved into a million-dollar Charleston Battery house, and spent his days lounging on a yacht.

JJ stood then, pulling me in for a hug. “Dude, it’s been too fucking long. We’re glad to have you back.”

I sat at the table, my eyes bouncing around familiar faces I hadn’t seen in three years.

“I’m glad to be back.”

“Hell, man, I was sorry to hear about your dad. He was a good man,” Tony said, setting a fresh beer in front of me when Maggie, the same old waitress, set some on the table.

“Thanks. It’s been rough.”

We drank beer and laughed about old times. It was as if we hadn’t been separated, and things were rolling along smoothly until JJ mentioned Jenny.

“It’s weird all of us being here together like this without Scrappy,” he slurred, his wall coming down courtesy of the nine beers he had put down.

“Man, fuck her. She was never one of us,” Tony said, making my skin itch and crawl.

I wanted to defend her. Jenny had always been one of us. But I downed my beer instead of opening my mouth.

“You’re just mad she wouldn’t fuck you,” Vaughn said, chuckling around the mouth of his beer bottle.

My muscles grew tighter, but still, I kept my mouth shut.

“Well, hell, I figured I had a shot since she was fucking everyone else.” Tony laughed, and a few of the guys joined in.

I wasn’t happy with Jenny. She had broken my heart in more ways than one, but I had spent most of my life having her back, and my tongue burned to curse them out. My fists ached to feel their faces. Still, I remained quiet and hoped they would stop talking about Jenny and move onto a new subject.

“She’s so different now,” JJ said. “Have you run into her yet?” he turned my way and asked.

I nodded but didn’t add to the conversation.

“Yeah and wider.” Tony laughed, and this time I gave him a look that told him to shut his fucking mouth.

He stopped laughing.

“Not wider. Thicker,” JJ said, grinning. “She’s got curves for days, and you know what they say about women with them childbearing hips.”

“Shut the fuck up, JJ, you don’t know shit about childbearing hips.” Vaughn laughed, pushing JJ’s shoulder.

When Maggie came by, I asked for another beer. I’d had enough, but with the conversation turning toward Jenny, I needed more.

“My mom said Jenny almost died giving birth,” Vaughn said casually.

Vaughn’s mom was a doctor at the local hospital and was always telling Vaughn things that could get her fired.

“What do you mean?” I asked, finally speaking up.

He shrugged. “Her blood pressure shot up, and they had to rush her in for surgery. An emergency c-section. You know where they cut the baby out or some shit like that. Anyway, Mom said she passed out on the table and almost died.”

My heart fluttered in my chest.

She had almost died giving birth.

“So yeah, she’s like single mom untouchable these days. A total MILF. The entire town talks about how she slept around when she was in Texas, but the funny thing is, she hasn’t touched a single soul in this town in the three years since she’s been back. At least as far as I know. Makes you wonder.” JJ shrugged, taking a swig from his beer and sending my mind tumbling into even more questions.

Leave it to JJ to still have Jenny’s back. Out of the entire group, he gave her the hardest time growing up, but I had always known they were secretly friends who liked to give each other shit.

“And we all know you’ve tried,” Vaughn chuckled.

“Hell yeah, I’ve tried,” JJ admitted. “She’s hot.”

I had about all I could take when it came to Jenny, so I steered the conversation in another direction and brought up the new football team at West Ridge High School. The guys jumped all over the subject, complaining about the new defensive line, and I was relieved. I had gotten close to giving my friends hell for talking shit about my girl even though Jenny hadn’t been mine for a very long time.

An hour later, we were dragging our asses out of Player’s Place, and I was driving home entirely too drunk, which was the dumbest fucking thing I had done in a long time. I drove slower than the speed limit, over checking every turn and light until I found myself pulling into Jenny’s driveway instead of my own.

I put my truck in park and cut the engine. I wasn’t sure what I was doing. It was way too late to be showing up at someone’s house, but that didn’t stop me from going to her front door and pounding on it to wake the entire house.

The kitchen light flicked on, and soon, I was staring through the window in the door and straight into Jenny’s green eyes. She rolled her eyes and unlocked the door to let me in, but instead of stepping through the doorway, I fell into her house, the beer finally taking away my legs and making me laugh hysterically at my own drunkenness.

“What are you doing here, Josh?” she hissed in a whispered yell.

I chuckled from her kitchen floor, and she kicked me.

“Seriously, be quiet. You’re going to wake Caleb.”

I shushed myself and grinned from behind my finger.

“How much did you drink at Player’s?” she asked.

“I drank all of it. Everything in the building.”

I was only joking, but I had drunk too much.

“And then you drove? Are you fucking nuts?”

I climbed from the floor, grabbing onto the kitchen table to keep my balance. “Well, it’s not like I could call you to rescue me like old days, now could I?”

She crossed her arms, pushing her luscious tits up and into my face. She was annoyed with me, but I didn’t care. All I could think about was Vaughn saying she had almost died and what I would have done if something had happened to Jenny.

“You almost died,” I muttered, not making any sense.

“What?” she asked, confused.

“Vaughn said you almost died. Don’t die, Jenny,” I slurred.

I was definitely drunk because I couldn’t stop the words from flowing from my lips.

“I’m not going anywhere, Josh. Come on,” she said, pulling on my arm. “Let’s at least get you to the couch so you can pass out. I’ll call your momma and let her know you’re okay.”

“My mom loves you,” I said, letting her drag me to the old couch in her living room.

I fell back onto the couch and closed my eyes, and then I said something that I wished I could take back immediately.

27

Jenny

“I used to love you, too,” Josh slurred, his eyes closing as he slowly passed out on my couch. “I loved you so fucking much, Jenny.”

And then he was out, snoring louder than was normal and leaving my heart feeling as though it had a massive papercut.

I moved away from the couch and covered my mouth to keep the cry of anguish from sounding. Three years’ worth of hurt came rushing to the surface as I stared down at the man I’d loved for almost all of my life—the father of my son—the only man to every own me completely.

I collapsed in my dad’s chair and sat and watched him sleep for longer than I wanted to admit. When he slept, he looked like my Josh. My old friend and the boy I fell in love with. The softness around his lips reminded me of all the smiles he used to give me, and when his brows weren’t pulled down in anger, I could almost see him floating down the St. John’s River with his eyes closed and his face turned toward the sun.

God, I missed him.

Not the man lying in front of me on my couch, but the boy I loved so long ago and grieved for every day.

When I had my fill of looking at Josh, I called his mom and left her a message to let her know he was at my place and safe. Then I retrieved a blanket from the linen closet and covered him before I returned to my bed.

At first, I couldn’t sleep. All I could think about was that Josh was just a few feet away from me in my living room. So close yet so far away. I wasn’t sure how long I lay there wide-awake, but the next thing I knew, the sun was peeking through my curtains, and Caleb was coming into my room and jumping on my bed.

“Time to get up, Mommy!” he sang, jumping at my side and shaking my bed.

I rolled over and covered my face with the pillow. “Ten more minutes,” I whined, making Caleb drop to his knees laughing as he tried to pry the pillow away from my face.

I had almost forgotten that Josh was passed out on my couch, but by the time we got out of bed and went into the kitchen, my couch was empty, and the blanket I had covered Josh with the night before was folded neatly and resting on the back of the couch.

He had left, and I couldn’t help but wonder if he would remember everything he said the night before because I wasn’t going to forget it anytime soon.

Lilly picked Caleb up from the garage when she dropped Devin off, and while Daddy and Devin spent most of the day changing oil, I changed tires instead of sitting in the office and thinking. Turned out, thinking was terrible for me these days. All I could think about was Josh. His parents. The fact that he was Caleb’s father, and that the truth had to come out at some point.

The town would know. People would talk. There was no telling what kind of stories would be told about me, and honestly, I didn’t care. I just didn’t want things to affect my son. Caleb wasn’t handling Mr. Black’s death well, and I wasn’t sure what else he could take.

After I wrapped up at the garage and cleaned my office a bit, I got into my car and left for the day. Instead of heading straight to Lilly and Devin’s place to pick up Caleb, I started toward Josh’s house. Not that I wanted to see him. If anything, I was hoping he wouldn’t be there, but I did want to check in on Mrs. Black.

His truck wasn’t in the driveway when I pulled up, and I sighed in relief. I wasn’t in the mood for any of his shit. Even though the last time I had seen him, he was drunk and talking about love, and the time before that, he was being sweet to Caleb and had asked me to go with him to Player’s Place. More than likely, he had wanted to get me out of his mom’s house so he could torment me some more.

I cut the engine to my car, grabbed my cell from the passenger seat in case I was there longer than I wanted to be, and I started toward the front door. Ralph, Mr. Black’s old dog, was lying on the porch, and his ears lifted when I stepped onto the wooden front porch. The plants on the porch had recently been watered, and some of the excess water was still dripping from the hanging plants beside the front door.

The wind blew a bit, making her windchimes sing, and I closed my eyes and enjoyed the sound. It had always been a favorite of mine. I reached up to knock, but before I could, I saw that the door was left a tiny bit ajar, which seemed weird to me.

“Mrs. Black?” I called out.

I hated walking into other people’s houses unannounced, but worry was simmering in the bottom of my stomach.

Using a single finger, I pushed on the door, and it opened a bit more, the hinges creaking and cracking slowly with its movement. It was then I saw Mrs. Black’s legs. She was wearing shorts and her pale legs seemed even lighter against the dark fabric of her clothes. Her flip-flops rested on the floor beside her feet as if they had fallen off when she fell.

I pushed the door open and ran inside to find her lying on her back in the middle of the living room. Her eyes were closed, her mouth slightly open. She was pale as if her soul had already escaped, and she was only a shell of the woman she used to be. My old CPR class came to mind, the information I had learned rushed into my brain, and I went to work without a second thought.

I checked for a pulse but didn’t feel anything. I grabbed my cell, and my fingers slid over the screen as I quickly dialed 911. Putting my cell on speaker, I set it to the side and went to work. I breathed for her, used my hands to press into her and made her heart beat for her. I did this as I spoke to the operator who picked up my call.

I gave her the address and began to tell her everything she needed to know.

“I found her on the floor. She’s not breathing, and she doesn’t have a pulse. I’m doing CPR now. Please send someone. Please hurry. Please!”

I continued to work, listening to the operator and responding between breaths and pumps. Sweat slid over my top lip, and I swiped it away. I could feel it also beading around my hairline, but I ignored it. All that mattered was trying to get Mrs. Black back. We couldn’t lose her too. We needed her. I needed her. Caleb would never make it through her loss especially so close to losing Mr. Black, and Josh … well, there was no telling what Josh would do. He was already jaded, slicing into me every chance he got. I worried if he lost his mother, as well, the boy he used to be would truly never return.

Minutes passed, my arms began to burn, and my knees throbbed from sitting on them. I thought I heard sirens in the distance, but no matter how exhausted I was, I didn’t stop. I kept pushing, breathing, and counting. Doing all the things I could think to do until I felt a hand on my shoulder.

“We’ll take it from here.”

I looked up to find an EMT smiling sadly down at me. He was holding a large black duffel bag in his hand, and another EMT was approached from behind him.

I slid to the side, my fingers numb, and my mind spinning as the EMTs took over. It wasn’t until then I realized I was crying, the tears dripping down my cheeks and dropping on the front of my shirt. I swiped at my tears and sniffled, and I didn’t feel like I was breathing again until I heard one of them say, “I have a pulse.”

Her eyes remained closed as they put her on the gurney and transported her from her house to the back of the ambulance. It was then I heard Josh’s truck pull up. His loud engine ripped through the afternoon, rumbling behind the ambulance, before he shut it off.

The driver’s side door flew open, and he jumped down without using the sidestep.

“Mom!” he called out, running toward the back of the ambulance just before they closed the doors. “What’s happening?”

He was panicked. His eyes wide, and his face pale. He ran his fingers through his hair, tugging on the ends while he waited for someone to tell him what was going on.

“Who are you?” the EMT asked.

“I’m her son! Someone tell me what’s happening!”

And then he disappeared into the back of the ambulance just before the door slammed, and they pulled away with the sirens blaring.

I stood there, staring into the direction they had just went. I covered my face, capturing my tears as I tried to think of what do to next. My heart was screaming for me to follow them, but I knew Mrs. Black would want me to stay and take care of things at her house.

I went back inside and turned off any lights she had on before I locked up. Then I searched my contacts for Genie’s number and called her.

Her husband, Jimmy, answered so I quickly filled him in, in hopes that he would tell her what was going on. Once I was in my car, I started in the direction of the hospital, but when I was halfway there, I decided to pick up Caleb and just go home. Something told me Josh wouldn’t want me there, and if by some chance something happened to Mrs. Black, I didn’t want to be there around all those people when I broke down.

I was the stone maiden, and stone maidens never cried.

At least that was what everyone thought.

28

Josh

I had only been gone an hour, having to run to the local tractor supply store for a few things. I was just getting the hang of Daddy’s way of doing things again at the farm, and honestly, it felt good to work for myself. I was checking out when I saw an ambulance go flying by on the main road just outside the store, but I didn’t think of anything of it.

It wasn’t until I was pulling in my driveway that I saw the ambulance had been headed to my house. I threw my truck into park and jumped out, running toward the back of the ambulance just as they were about to close the doors with who looked like my mother inside.

I climbed in and took a seat next to my mother, and as the EMT closed the back door, I saw Jenny standing outside with her hands covering her mouth and tears flowing down her face.

She had been there.

Had she been the one to call the ambulance?

“It looks like a massive heart attack, but we won’t know for sure until we get here to the hospital for tests. I know one thing, if it wasn’t for the girl back at your mom’s place, she would be long gone.”

“What do you mean?”

“She was doing CPR when we got there. She must have been doing it from the time she found her. It’s because of her that your mom is still with us, man. Trust me. It took us thirty minutes to get there. She would have been long gone.”

Jenny had saved my mom’s life.

That changed things.

The dynamic between us was shifting again.

They took Mom straight back for surgery, and I sat in the waiting room alone, biting my nails until Genie showed up crying.

Hours passed and we waited, until finally a doctor came out and told us Mom was in stable condition. They were keeping her in intensive care for a few days just to be cautious, and I was good with that. I wanted them to be overly cautious. Check everything. Monitor everything.

I couldn’t lose my mother.

When we could go in and see her, she was still sleeping. Instead of waking her, Genie and I sat quietly by her bed and hoped she would wake up. And that was where I stayed, only leaving her side to rinse my mouth with a bottle of mouthwash I got from the small hospital store and grabbing a bite to eat from the cafeteria.

It wasn’t until Genie forced me to go home and shower and sleep that I even considered it. Once I left the hospital, my first thought was to go to Jenny, but I didn’t think that was a great idea. I was too weak. With the loss of my father and with my mom hospitalized for the same thing that killed my dad, I wouldn’t be able to fight off my feelings for Jenny.

It wasn’t a good idea to be close to her. No matter how badly I longed to be close to her. To be a breath on her lips. A strand of hair touching her shoulder softly. I couldn’t give in. I would do anything for Jenny. Even keep my emotions locked away. It wasn’t like I hadn’t done that before with her. Things were good where they were. We needed to stay away from each other and keep feelings out of it. No matter how deep mine ran for her.

I showered, washing away the hospital, and the hot water eased my tense shoulder muscles. The past few weeks had been hell. First, I buried my father, and now, my mom was having heart issues. I wouldn’t lose her. She was sick with a broken heart, literally, but I would do all I could to make sure she stuck around for many years.

After my shower, I dressed and sat on the couch, thinking maybe a little bit of TV would calm my wrecked nerves, but nothing I did soothed me. I knew what I needed, but I wasn’t ready to fully admit it to myself.

Jenny.

I needed to thank her.

She might have crushed me three years before, but if it hadn’t been for her, my mother would no longer be with us. If only for that reason, I would forgive her long enough to thank her.

Stopping by the E-Z Mart, which I was surprised was still open, I grabbed a bag of gummy bears from the aisle, paid for them along with a Mountain Dew, which used to be Jenny’s favorite, and then I left and started toward her place. If I was going to thank her properly, gummy bears and Mountain Dew were needed. It didn’t make sense to anyone else, but it didn’t need to. It was our way, and she would understand I was sorry without me having to say it.

The drive to the Michaels’ house was one I was familiar with. Memories of the way Jenny and I used to be flashed through my mind, and I felt my stomach go hollow. Her laughter. Her smile. The way she used to punch my shoulder playfully when I said something funny.

Then another memory hit me like ton of concrete. The night in her dad’s truck. The way she had climbed on top of me and rode me like she couldn’t get enough. The way her mouth fell open when her orgasm took ahold of her. The sounds she made. The way her teeth dug into her bottom lip when she didn’t think she could take it anymore.

It was such a sweet memory.

One had hoped I could lose, but secretly held onto for dear life.

The porch lights were off and so were the rest of the lights. I would have thought no one was home if it weren’t for the single light on at the back of the house. Jenny’s room.

The porch light came on when I slammed my truck door, and I was almost up the steps when the front door opened.

“How is she?” she asked in a rush.

I felt like shit for not calling her sooner to let her know Mom was going to be okay, but I had been so busy trying to work up the nerve to go see her.

“She’s still with us. Thanks to you.”

Her eyes moved over my body, landing on the bag in my hand. We had done this a million times in our lives. She knew what was in the bag and understood instantly what was happening.

“You can keep that. No need to thank me. I was just doing what any other human being would do.”

I shook my head. “No. You saved her life, Jenny. The EMT said so. If it wasn’t for you, she would have been long gone before they got there. I can’t …”

“Just stop. I love your momma. She’s like the mom I never had, and you know that. Don’t thank me for this. I would do anything for that woman.”

I nodded.

I knew she was telling the truth.

Jenny was a lot of things, but I knew she loved my family.

I tossed the bag at her, and she caught it against her chest.

“Josh, just …”

“Keep the damn gummy bears, okay?”

I grinned despite myself.

It was then I noticed how she was standing. Her shoulders back, and if I wasn’t mistaken, she was sucking her stomach in.

Was she trying to hide herself from me?

Was she covering her weight gain like it was a bad thing?

Then I remembered the terrible things I said to her the first time I saw her again that night at Sprints.

Looks like those gummy bears finally caught up with you.

Shit.

No wonder she didn’t want the fucking gummy bears.

“Look, Jenny, about what I said at Sprints about …” I stopped, waving my hand at her body.

She went tense, her eyes hard.

“Don’t.”

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. It was cruel.”

“But I deserved it, right? For running off to Texas and fucking everything with a cock. Isn’t that what the people in town are saying?”

They were.

It was what I always thought, too, but now I wasn’t so sure things went down that way.

“Look at her,” she mocked the way she thought the town’s people might sound. “She went off to Texas, slept around, got pregnant, and gained all that weight. She’s really let herself go.”

“Stop it, okay? Fuck what everyone else says. You never cared before.”

“I don’t care now. I just don’t want you to think I’m stupid and don’t know what people say about me. I know what they think. And now I know what you think, too. It’s fine. I’m glad Mom’s doing okay. Please have someone let me know when she can have visitors. Caleb wants to see her.”

She turned to go back inside, but I reached out and stopped her with my hand on her arm.

“You don’t know what I think.”

And she didn’t.

She only knew what I let her think. What I let everyone think. But the fact was, what she didn’t know couldn’t hurt her, and she would never how I was still in love with her. It was the reason I lashed out. She would never know how badly I wanted a family—kids—with her. It was the reason it burned so badly to see her with Caleb.

“Then why don’t you tell me what you think.”

What was I doing?

I came to thank her, and I had done just that. Why was I pushing for more? Why was I feeling myself opening to her? She was dangerous. I couldn’t let myself get caught up in her again. Not when I had nothing to offer her or Caleb. I was broken. I was fucked up.

No.

I shook my head.

“Well, you know what I think, Josh? I think you’re scared.”

Scared?

She had no idea what the fuck she was talking about.

29

Jenny

“Scared?” he scoffed. “I’m a fucking war hero.” He slammed his fist into his hard chest with a thump. “I’m not scared of anything. Especially not you.”

“You’re no hero. You’re a coward with a purple heart to pin over your black one. You’ve been an asshole to me since the moment you stepped back into town, and now suddenly everything’s okay? No.”

And just like that, the moment between us faded away. The bag of gummy bears forgotten. The fact that his mom was still alive because of me long gone from his mind.

He moved, pushing into me until I was pinned between him and the front door.

“Say it again,” he seethed. “I fucking dare you.”

I swallowed, knowing I was about to push him over the edge. I wasn’t scared of Josh. At least not the old Josh, anyway, but this person … the man he had become while he was hiding away in Texas for three years, I didn’t know. I wasn’t sure what kind of reaction I would get, but I didn’t care.

“You’re a coward,” I repeated.

His nostrils flared, and his lips went tight. His dark eyes moved over my face as if he were debating on where to attack, but he didn’t. Instead he shocked me.

I had thought we would fight. I had thought that maybe we would push each other and say things we had kept pent up for the past three years. I thought we would break each other down to nothing like we had been doing since the moment he stepped foot back in Walterboro, but that was not what happened. Instead, his mouth crashed down onto mine, stealing my breath and making me jerk as if he had hit me across my face instead of kissed me.

I stood there, unsure of what to do.

“Kiss me back, goddammit!” he growled against my lips, pushing into me until all I felt was the hard door at my back and his steel frame against my front.

I did as he said, forgetting I was angry. I kissed him back. Hard. Angry. Biting and gnawing at each other with a mix of steamy kisses and tongues. He moved his hand up, clasping his fingers around my neck and holding me in place as he pulled back, tugging my lip with him before going back in for more.

Then as quickly as it started, it stopped. He pulled away from me, his back slamming into the screened door.

“Shit,” he growled, swiping at his mouth as if I disgusted him.

I stood in the doorway, my breath drilling in and out of me. Things happened so fast it was almost as if it hadn’t happened. I touched my fingertips to my lips, and the memories of our first kiss rushed through my mind. We stared at each other until finally he moved toward me fast and angry.

“Fuck it,” he spat.

And then his lips were on mine again.

He pushed into me, clawing at my sides and pulling me into his hard body, and I didn’t stop him.

It was late. No one was home since Lilly and Devin had taken Caleb to a movie, and Dad was out of town with Janice. I was in my favorite nightgown, which was an old and thin gray T-shirt my mother had left behind. It was so thin it allowed me to feel every angle of Josh’s body and the heat it radiated. His free hand moved to my hip, tugging my bottom half and slamming it against his undeniable hard length threatening through his jeans.

He pulled away from the kiss with the contact of my hips, and hissed, “I don’t remember you feeling this good.”

“You either,” I said, pulling his mouth back to mine.

He tasted like the past. Like days on the lake and sunshine. Memories swirled in my mind, and I let them take over, reminding me of all the reasons I fell in love with Josh to start with.

He moved us, pushing me into the house and slamming the door behind us without even breaking the kiss.

“Is anyone here?” he asked, his mouth skimming my chin before he moved lower and nibbled the side of my neck.

“No. Don’t stop.”

We didn’t make it to my bedroom. Instead, he backed me to the kitchen table and lifted me before moving between my thighs. The roughness of his jeans against my thin panties was almost unbearable. The room was dark, which made me feel better about him not being able to see my body. He grabbed the bottom of my shirt to lift it, but I stopped him from removing mine and instead removed his.

His chest was hard, his muscles rippling in the tiny bit of light coming from the front porch. His dog tags shined, and I reached up and touched them, wishing I had been able to stop him from going into the military. That was when I saw it, the tiny silver feather from the necklace I had bought him in Cherokee, North Carolina, years before. He still had the charm, and it was behind his dog tags, hidden behind the war that had torn us apart.

“You still have it,” I whispered, my fingers moving over the silver.

He stared down at me, his expression clearing, and my Josh came through. The side of his mouth lifted into his signature grin, making his dimples wink back at me.

It made me feel better about keeping my locket that he had given me for my sixteenth birthday. It was tucked away in a safe place since it was one of my most prized possessions.

I tugged at his hips, pulling him into my center, and he hissed.

“I want you so bad,” he said, reaching down and unbuttoning his jeans. He pushed them down his hips, and the warmth of his hips pressed against the inside of my thighs. “Don’t stop me.”

And then he kissed me again, stepping forward until I could feel his hard, hot cock against the inside the crease of my thigh. I reached between us and grasped him, my fingers wrapping tightly as I tugged up.

He broke the kiss and laid his head back with a hiss. “Fuck, yes.”

Things moved fast from that point. One second, I was holding his dick in my hand, and the next, he was pushing my panties to the side and pressing into me.

It wasn’t sweet.

It wasn’t nice.

It was desperate.

It was right.

The first and only time I had sex was with Josh, and I had been on top. It wasn’t until he was nearing the end that he had flipped me over and took over. This wasn’t like that. He had total control, rocking into me so hard and fast I couldn’t seem to catch my breath.

The table shook beneath us, the legs scraping against the linoleum floor, and the salt and pepper shakers in the center rattling. He stared into my eyes, all confidence and man, and when I tried to look away, he wrapped a strong hand around my neck. Lightly squeezing the sides and holding my face straightforward while his thrusts grew even harder and faster.

“Oh my God,” I whined, unable to push a full-bodied sound from my voice box.

My eyes watered with pleasure as my body clutched onto his glides and thrusts until I felt myself growing tighter and the satisfaction growing sharper.

“I’m going to come,” I squeaked as a tear of ecstasy rolled down my cheek.

His hand grew tighter around my neck, and the fingers of his other hand dug into my hip, holding me still as he fucked me ruthlessly.

“Do it,” he demanded. “I want to feel your pussy get tighter around my cock when you explode on it.”

My body went stiff, and my mouth fell open as my orgasm crashed over me. I didn’t blink. I didn’t make a noise. I just held on to him as he fucked me through the best climax I had ever experienced in my life.

When I came back to myself and my body went lax, he pulled out and backed away. His cock stood on end, glistening with my release as he fell into the kitchen chair closest to him.

“Come here,” he said.

I pulled my nightgown down, covering my thick thighs as I slid from the kitchen table. Then I walked over to him. He reached up my gown, his fingers skimming the sides of my legs, and then he rolled my panties down until they were loose enough to drop to my ankles. I stepped out of them and kicked them to the side.

“Ride me,” he croaked. “Just like last time.”

I wasn’t usually one to be told what to do, but when it came to sex, it was different. I straddled his lap before lowering myself onto him once again. He felt deeper with me on top, the tip of his dick seemed to skim the hard to reach nerves inside, and as soon as I began to move, the feeling was almost too unbearable.

The first time with Josh had felt great, but it was nothing like this.

No.

This was fucking amazing.

He grasped my hips, his large fingers digging into my flesh, and he stared up at me with wonder in his eyes as if he was feeling something he had never felt before. His breathing was loud and hard, mixing with sounds of pleasure and whispered growls.

“That’s it, baby. Ride me. Take my cock how you like it.”

I loved it when he talked to me that way.

Demanding and dirty.

I did as he asked.

I moved my hips in the ways that felt good for me. I worked in circles and back and forth. I moved up and down in long, fluid strokes to short, fast ones. It all felt amazing, and it wasn’t long until I was panting once again, feeling a tightening and a pulling in my lower stomach.

Throughout the entire time, he sat back and watched, giving me praise and telling me how good I felt. It was the sexiest thing I had ever seen in my life.

His abs bunched when he began to thrust his hips upward to meet me, and sweat slowly began to appear on his thick chest. I was getting tired myself, but I couldn’t bring myself to stop. Not when I knew I was close to coming again.

The first time with Josh hadn’t lasted this long, but I guess with age, Josh had gained stamina. I wasn’t complaining. Especially not when he took over completely and began fucking me from beneath. I held onto his shoulders and let him have his way, taking me in a forceful pounding thrust that sent an echo of lust through our kitchen.

“Fuck,” he gritted. “You feel amazing. I can’t get enough. I can’t …” his words stuck in his throat as he swallowed.

Leaning over, I kissed him softly on the lips, feeling like I was seconds away from falling apart above him.

“Are you close?” he asked.

It was then I noticed the strain in his voice. He was holding back for me. Waiting for me to have a second orgasm before he came.

“I’m so close.”

He lifted me with strength I didn’t know he had, and we lowered to the floor. Then he was like a wild man, fucking me so hard my back slid across the slick floor.

“Come. Come right fucking now.”

I never thought I would be one of those women who were so turned on by demands that I was instantly pushed over the edge, but apparently, I was. My heels dug into the floor, and I came fast and hard. My screams filled the kitchen, echoing over Josh’s murmurs of approval. Then once again, his hand was wrapped around my throat.

He squeezed the sides just hard enough to make me suck in a breath, and said, “Look at me. Look right in my fucking eyes when I fill you up.”

Then he growled, and I watched a beautiful expression cross his face. His mouth fell open, his hard eyes went soft, and he let go, filling me with all that he was until his body went limp on top of me.

“Fuck,” he muttered against the side of my neck.

Those were my thoughts exactly.

Hadn’t I learned my lesson before?

What was it about Josh that made me drop my panties so easily?

And without any kind of protection. I had to be the dumbest bitch in South Carolina. Maybe the town was right about me. Maybe I was a loose woman with no morals because instead of walking away from a man I knew had no feelings left in his heart for me, I opened my legs for him and let him in like I was nothing.

Fuck indeed.

30

Josh

I hadn’t meant for sex to happen, but now that it had, I couldn’t find it in myself to regret it. I hadn’t been with a woman since Jenny three years before, and it was as if my body remembered the feel of her. It took away all rational thought and made decisions for me.

It wanted Jenny.

I had always wanted her.

And once all was said and done and I found myself lying on top of her without the ability to move, I knew my body had made the right decision.

I leaned back and looked down at her. Her hair had fallen out of her ponytail and was lying on the floor around her face. She was flushed, and her eyes were bright. She looked thoroughly fucked, and I was proud I had been the one to make her look that way.

“I can’t believe we just did that. We didn’t even use any protection. How could I be so stupid?” she said, breaking the moment.

I hadn’t told her a baby with me was impossible. That I couldn’t father children. I hadn’t wanted to tell anyone really but seeing her beginning to freak out after such a wonderful moment, I couldn’t help but open for her.

“It’s okay. I—” I started, but before I could get very far, headlights filtered in through the window, and the sounds of her dad’s truck engine filled the space.

Jenny pushed my chest, forcing me off her.

“Shit. He wasn’t supposed to be home tonight.”

She jumped up quickly and went for her panties on the floor, but even with just the small amount of light coming in from the front porch, I was able to see the bottom of her plump ass and her thick thighs beneath her nightgown.

She was fucking perfect.

Following her lead, I stood and buttoned my jeans. I searched for my shirt before she leaned over, plucked it from the floor by the front door, and shoved it in my chest.

“You have to go now,” she said, pushing me toward the front door.

I barely had my shirt on before I met Mr. Michaels on the porch.

“Josh. How’s your momma doing?” he asked, his eyes moving over my disheveled clothes with a knowing eye.

“She’s doing better. I was just coming by to thank Jenny.”

His heavy brows pulled down in confusion. “Thank Jenny?”

She hadn’t told her dad she saved my mom’s life.

Maybe she didn’t know?

“Yeah. Didn’t she tell you? She saved Momma’s life.”

His eyes grew wide, and a smile pulled behind his thick beard. “That so? Well, hell, she didn’t say anything about it.”

I turned around and grinned at Jenny. “Yep. She’s my hero.”

She rolled her eyes at that, crossing her arms to cover herself the best she could behind her thin T-shirt. “Don’t you have somewhere you need to be?” she asked, telling me to leave without saying it.

I chuckled, enjoying the new developments in our relationship. Teasing Jenny had always been fun, so that was what I did. “I do. See you around, Michaels,” I said, nodding my head in her direction.

She hated it when I called her Michaels.

Her eyes narrowed in my direction before she flipped me of, making me and her dad laugh.

Instead of going home to an empty house, I passed the farm and went toward the hospital to see my mom. It was late, but the ladies at the nurses’ station knew me well, thanks to Vaughn’s mom. They would let me go back even after visiting hours.

I was stuck in my head during the drive, teetering between emotions. One on hand, my mother was in the hospital with heart issues, and she still wasn’t in the clear. My heart was heavy with that, my nerves a wreck at just the thought of losing my mother.

Then there was Jenny and all the things we did to each other before I left her. The way her body squeezed around me as if it didn’t want to let me go. The look in her eyes when she gazed up at me and begged me not to stop. And the haze of satisfaction afterward when I lay on top of her and she put her arms around me. It made me feel happy, even with everything going on with Mom. I hadn’t felt so mixed up in all my life.

I wasn’t sure what that meant for our relationship and whether we were enemies, friends with benefits, or more, but as I turned my big truck into the hospital parking lot, all I could think about was Mom getting better and hopefully getting back to Jenny so we could figure it out. I wanted my life back, and I wanted that life to be with Jenny.

I was still hurt. She had done a number on me three years before. And maybe I wasn’t the best man for her. Maybe she deserved better or worse. All I knew was I wasn’t sure any of that mattered anymore. Jenny had always been the one for me—my best friend and the love of my life—and no matter the consequences or the shape of our relationship, I had a feeling she would always be exactly that.

I wanted more.

I wanted her.

There would be no more fighting it.

It was time to leave the past in the past and move toward the future.

31

Jenny

For days, I worried about what I had done with Josh. Not the sex, which was wonderful, but the fact we had done it without any form of protection.

I wasn’t on the pill anymore since my OB didn’t think it was a great idea with my weight gain. I figured it wouldn’t be a big deal since I wasn’t sleeping with anyone. My periods were still abnormal, but it wasn’t something I couldn’t handle.

I clenched my eyes shut and remembered the look on Josh’s face when he came. It had been sexy, and it had felt amazing, but how could I have been so stupid?

What was I thinking?

It was as if my body took control of me completely. My brain ceased to function. All that remained was Josh and his mouth and his touches. His dirty words moved over my mind, and even days later, my body hummed with satisfaction. I know I should have, but I couldn’t bring myself to regret it.

“You’re being weird,” Devin said, pulling me out of my daydream about Josh and bringing me back to the moment.

I was sitting behind my desk and staring at the wall beside me.

“I’m not.”

He shook his head and snorted. “I just stood here and watched you stare at that wall for three minutes. You had no idea I was here. What’s going on with you lately?”

“Nothing. Just a lot on my mind.”

“Uh-huh. This has Josh’s name written all over it.”

I rolled my eyes and grabbed my bag. “You’re ridiculous. Tell Dad I’m leaving for the day, would you?”

I stood and started toward the door.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m going to get Caleb and take him for ice cream and movie. Think Emma and Jacob would like to go?”

He chuckled. “That’s a dumb question.”

I drove across town feeling good about taking the day away to spend with the kids. It was what I needed. When I pulled up at Devin and Lilly’s place to pick them up, they ran out the front door toward my car like a pack of wild animals. I grinned, loving the idea of spending the rest of my day with them and taking my mind away from anything else.

Lilly laughed when the three kids attacked my legs and squeezed.

“Are you guys ready for some ice cream?” I asked, making them scream yes.

Three kids and their seats wouldn’t fit in the back of my car, which meant I took Lilly’s SUV instead. It was smooth ride since I was accustomed to the rough vibrations of my muscle car. I left Walterboro completely, driving all the way to Summerville to the Tastee-Freez, which happened to have the best Snickers sundaes.

After herding us all into a booth, I listened as the kids each told me stories about their day over sundaes and cones. By the time we loaded up and drove to the movie theater, I had forgotten all about my moment with Josh and was having a blast with my babies.

My phone was on vibrate since we were in the movie theater, so instead of ringing, it lit up the inside of my bag, letting me know I had a notification. A text message from a number I didn’t know danced across the top of my screen, and I unlocked it to read the message.

Unknown: What are you doing?

Confused, I responded.

Me: Who is this?

My phone lit up with another incoming message.

Unknown: Who do you want it to be?

Me: Seriously, either tell me who this is or go away.

I waited, and a minute passed before an answer came in.

Unknown: It’s the man who made you scream the other night.

I rolled my eyes, trying to contain the grin that tugged at my lips.

It was Josh.

Me: What do you want, Black?

Josh: Oh, so now you’re last naming me? How rude.

Me: Yep.

Josh: Ouch. That hurts. Here I thought I meant everything to you.

He sent an emoji face with its tongue sticking out.

Me: Guess you thought wrong. How did you get my number?

Josh: I went to the garage to see you, and you weren’t there. So your dad gave me your number.

Me: Are you going to tell me what you want?

An answer didn’t come in for a bit, and I put my phone down to watch the movie with the kids. It wasn’t until the movie was over that I noticed I had missed a message. Unlocking my phone, I read his new message.

Josh: You.

I didn’t respond.

Instead, I loaded the kids up and drove us back to Walterboro before it got too late.

By the time I pulled into Devin and Lilly’s driveway, the kids were all asleep.

“Looks like you wore them out,” Devin said, unhooking Jacob and pulling him from his seat.

He lay back in his dad’s arms and let out a snore that made me and Devin chuckle.

“Yep. We had a good time. Did you and Dad get everything done at the garage?”

He nodded. “Yeah. It’s all done,” he answered.

Lilly came out and woke Emma, getting both kids inside while Devin filled me in on everything I had missed at work.

It was after nine when I finally pulled in my driveway. And when I did, I couldn’t miss the large black truck parked out front. My heart rate picked up, and I ignored it while I unhooked Caleb and carried my sleeping boy up to the front porch.

Josh was sitting on the front steps waiting for me.

“He’s out cold, huh?” he said, nodding at Caleb passed out in my arms.

“Yeah. Let me get him in bed, and then we can talk, okay?”

He nodded and then followed me inside.

Dad was nowhere to be found, and I passed a handwritten note on the kitchen table, letting me know he was spending the night at Janice’s place. It was strange, my dad staying with a woman, but I was happy if he was happy.

I carried Caleb to his bedroom and removed his shoes before I lay him in his bed and covered him. The puppy nightlight beside his bed lit the hallway outside his room some until I closed his door, leaving it open just a crack.

When I went back into the living room, Josh was sitting on the couch waiting for me.

“What’s up?” I asked, tossing my bag onto the table and pulling my hair up and out of my eyes.

I tried to play it cool, but the truth was, my nerves were a wreck.

“You didn’t respond to my message.”

“What message?” I asked, playing dumb.

He stood from the couch and came toward me. He didn’t stop once he reached me, and his body pushed into mine. The heat of his skin sent a tingle through my body.

“The one where I told you I wanted you,” he whispered, running his finger down the side of my cheek before he pinched my chin and forced me to look up at him.

“What was I supposed to say to that?” I asked.

He grinned, his straight teeth glowing in the lighting from the kitchen and his dimple winking back at me.

“That you wanted me too.”

Again, I tried to look away, but he wouldn’t let me.

“It’s a bad idea.”

His brows pulled down in confusion. “What is?”

“Us. We shouldn’t have done what we did.”

He chuckled, and again, his dimples popped.

“What’s so funny?” I asked.

“You can’t even say it, can you?”

“Say what?”

“We fucked, Jenny. Say it. Say that we fucked.”

My face heated with his words, and I was blushing.

It was funny. The entire town thought I was a slut, yet I couldn’t even talk about having sex without blushing.

“Why are you here, Josh?” I asked, changing the subject.

He released my chin and ran his fingers down my arm, sending a wave of chills down to my fingertips.

“I’m here for you,” he said, his eyes capturing mine.

I sighed, annoyed with my body for melting for him.

“Josh, this is a terrible—”

I didn’t get to finish my sentence. He moved in, locking his lips with mine and kissing me hard enough to make me fall back against the wall behind me. I kissed him back, not able to control my body and its actions where Josh was concerned.

His hands moved over my body, sliding down my sides until I felt him reach my fat rolls. I stiffened in his arms and reached down to link my fingers with his so he couldn’t touch me. He brought my arms above my head, pushing my hands against the wall and holding me in one place while he ravished my mouth.

He broke the kiss, sucking in a deep breath while he rested his forehead against mine.

“I can’t get enough of you. You’re all I think about.”

And then he was kissing me again, sending my body reeling with desire. He moved, pulling me along with him without breaking the kiss, and I followed him down the hallway to my bedroom. Once inside and with the light on, he pushed and softly closed the door behind us.

“I want you,” he whispered, going in for another kiss as he slowly lifted my T-shirt as if he were about to removed it.

The lights in the room blazed all around us, filling even the darkest corners of my room with light. He would be able to see everything. This wasn’t like before when we were in a dark kitchen, and my shirt stayed on.

No.

He was trying to strip me in a room full of lights. I couldn’t take my clothes off in front of Josh. It was different now. I was different. I had gained weight. I had stretch marks and scars from giving birth. I had cellulite and fat rolls. There was nothing even remotely sexy about my body. It didn’t help that I was wearing an old sports bra and my panties were plain white boy shorts.

I pulled back, stopping his hand before he could get any farther.

“We can’t do this.”

“But we already have.” He grinned, his sexy lips slanting.

“No. I mean, I can’t do this.”

“You can,” he said, moving in to kiss me again.

His hands moved up my thighs, and all I could think about was him thinking about how thick my thighs were. How heavy I must have been when he lifted me onto the kitchen table the last time we had sex. I was fat, and honestly, I didn’t have the confidence I pretended to have.

“Stop, Josh,” I said, moving his hands from my body. “I just can’t, okay?”

He backed away from me, his breathing hard, and the tent in his jeans letting me know his dick was even harder.

“Did I do something?” he asked, showing his uncertainty for the first time.

“No. I mean … yes. It’s embarrassing.”

“What is? What did I do?”

“I don’t want you to see me, okay? I know what you think, and I know I’m not skinny anymore. I’ve gained weight. I’ve had a baby. My body isn’t what it used to be, and it’ll never be that again. I don’t want you to see me naked, Josh. I can’t handle another comment from you about my weight.”

His eyes grew wide, and for a moment, his expression shifted, and he was the Josh I grew up with. The Josh I fell in love with. He was hard for everyone else but soft for me, letting me see how sweet and insecure he could really be while the rest of the town only saw his star football player confidence.

“Jenny,” he whispered my name as his hands dropped to his side.

He moved closer again, grasping my cheeks to make sure I didn’t look away from him. His eyes clashed with mine, and he swallowed as if what he was about to say was taking all his energy.

“When I first saw you sitting behind that bar, my heart dropped. I knew I would see you again, but I wasn’t sure how I would respond. You were everything to me, Jenny. I gave you all of myself, and then I pushed you away because I was a mess. But you let me push you away. You ran off to Texas, leaving me behind and forgetting about me.”

I could hardly believe his words.

“But I didn’t. I—” I tried to correct him, but he placed a finger over my lips, stopping me.

“Let me finish. The point is, I expected to see the girl I grew up with, and instead, I found you. A grown-ass woman with a curvy body that made and birthed a miracle. Your body is beautiful, Jenny, and what I said at the bar was just me lashing out because seeing you again hurt so fucking badly. The truth is, the moment I saw you and saw how you had filled out here,” he said, reaching out and grabbing handfuls of my ass. “And here.” He moved his hands and filled his large hands with my breasts. “I was done for. You’re even sexier now. Thick in all the right places and so fucking soft and sweet, I feel like falling to my knees in front of you.”

He pulled me into his arms and placed a soft kiss on the side of my lips.

“Never hide from me because I think you’re perfect exactly as you are.”

His fingers toyed with the bottom of my shirt before he slowly began to lift it from my body.

“I want to see every part of you,” he said, placing a kiss on the opposite side of my lips. “Worship every part of you.” He slipped his tongue along the seam of my lips, and I gasped, letting him kiss me deep and hard.

And when he continued to lift my shirt and pull it over my head, I let him.

The fabric of my T-shirt fell from his fingers and pooled at the floor beside my feet. His eyes held mine before they dropped, taking in my naked body except for my old sports bra and my jeans. I closed my eyes, wishing I could feel more comfortable with what he was seeing.

His fingers brushed my stomach, tracing what I knew were my stretch marks from carrying Caleb, and I clenched my eyes in embarrassment.

“These are beautiful,” he whispered, making me open my eyes to see if his expression was one of honesty.

He stared down at my stomach, his finger sliding over my plump flesh as he continued to trace my stretchmarks.

“They aren’t,” I disagreed.

His eyes moved up to meet mine, and he frowned.

“How can you say that? They’re proof that you made a life, Jenny. That you carried and delivered a healthy baby boy. Some people would give anything for that.”

I nodded, knowing he was right. So many women couldn’t have kids, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t worried that he would find me disgusting. He was a single guy with no kids. At least none that he knew of. He probably wanted a woman with a perfectly toned and tanned body. A body like what I used to have.

“Look at me,” he demanded, using a finger to turn my face back in his direction.

I opened my eyes and looked at him.

“You know me better than anyone. Look at my face and tell me if I’m lying when I say your body is more beautiful now than it ever was. Hell, look at my cock, Jenny.” He chuckled, directing my attention to his crotch. “My dick is rock hard. Just looking at you right now has me so fucking turned on.”

I grinned, feeling my face heat when I looked down and saw that he was indeed standing at attention.

“Can I see more?” he asked, skimming over my sports bra with a single finger.

My nipples grew hard beneath the fabric, and he circled my hard peaks with his finger, making me gasp.

I nodded.

He was right. I knew Josh better than anyone. Especially the Josh with me at that moment. He wasn’t lying when he said he liked what he saw, which meant I was the one with the problem. Not him.

He unbuttoned my jeans and peeled them down my legs. I stepped out of them, leaving me in only my sports bra and boy shorts. On his way back up, he kissed my stomach, and I sucked in, the sensation of his lips against my flesh, making me shiver.

He unhooked my sports bra and pulled it from my body, releasing my heavy breasts, and they dropped a bit, sagging with the weight of a year’s worth of breastfeeding. He didn’t miss a beat, gathering them in his hands and moving forward to capture my nipple in his lips. My fingers went into his hair, enjoying the wet pull of his mouth when he sucked.

He moved to my other breast, his hand slowly traveling down my fleshy stomach until his fingers were dipping under the band of my underwear. My breathing accelerated, my chest rising, taking his head along for the ride. He looked up at me while he sucked my nipple and grinned the sexiest grin I had ever seen when his fingers moved into my underwear and skimmed my swollen clit.

My knees shook. Fuck, he was good at this. It made me wonder how many women he had been with after me. Quickly, I shook the thought from my head and enjoyed the feel of his experienced finger circling my clit as his hot mouth worked my nipple. Once he had me good and relaxed with his mouth and fingers, he slowly moved down, peeling my unattractive panties with him and stripping me completely bare to him and the cool air of the room around us.

“Your pussy is beautiful,” he said as he leaned forward and gave my clit a quick lick.

“Oh my God,” I said, leaning over and gripping his shoulders to keep myself from falling.

“Has anyone ever tasted you here, Jennifer?” he asked, and the fact that he used my full name was a major turn-on.

I shook my head, the word no squeaking from the back of my throat.

He growled, liking my answer.

“I’m going to eat you until you cream all over my tongue. How’s that sound?”

It sounded like heaven.

Again, my knees shook, and it was then I realized my entire body was buzzing and shivering.

He moved forward, sliding his wet tongue between my folds and sucking my clit between his lips with a soft pop. My knees gave out, and thankfully, my bed broke my fall. I sat, and he chuckled, moving forward and pushing me back by my shoulders.

He lifted my leg, kissing the inside of my thigh as he rested it on his shoulder, and then he moved in again, licking and sucking at me until I could no longer see straight. The erotic sounds of him eating me out were like an aphrodisiac, heightening my pleasure and making me pant and beg like a desperate woman.

“Mmmmm,” he moaned, enjoying his feast.

Then he slid two fingers inside me, and I was done for. I lifted from the bed, trying to get closer to his mouth all the while trying to get his fingers deeper. When I finally shattered, he reached up and covered my mouth with his palm to keep me from being too loud.

As I lay there gasping for air, feeling as if my body had melted for him, he worked his way up my body, placing tiny kisses on my skin along the way. When he reached my mouth, he kissed me, and I could taste myself on his tongue.

I pulled his shirt from his body, and he leaned back and tossed it across the room. Once his jeans were gone, and he was completely naked, he laid on top of me, fitting between my thighs as if I were made just for him. His warm skin pressed against mine felt amazing, and when he pushed into me and closed his eyes in pleasure, I knew there would never be anything more perfect than being with Josh.

He thrust his hips, sending a wave of pleasure across my thighs and into my lower stomach. I gripped his ass, pulling him into me as if I couldn’t get enough, and he growled at the feel of my nails digging into his flesh.

His eyes captured mine, his expression one of pleasured pain. I understood what he was feeling at that moment because I was feeling it too. We were remembering the past and replacing those memories with the present. Every time he thrust into me, something from three years before went away.

He swallowed hard and dropped his forehead to mine. His eyes fluttered, and his teeth plunged into his bottom lip.

“I’ll never get enough of you,” he whispered, before softly kissing my lips. “Never leave me again. No matter how hard I push you away.”

“Never,” I gasped, saying anything he wanted to hear at that moment.

The pleasure was so intense I would have agreed to anything he wanted.

He pulled back and stilled, his body still pushed deeply inside me, and his brows pinched in concentration.

“I’m serious, Jenny. Promise me.”

I breathed hard, my body edging on orgasm.

“Don’t stop,” I begged, digging my fingers into his perfect round globes and pulling him into me.

“Listen to me,” he said, peering into my eyes. “I love you, Jenny. I never stopped, and I never will.”

I blinked up at him, taking in his confession and locking it within my heart.

If by some chance, we woke up tomorrow and things were back to how they had been, I never wanted to forget the desperation and truth in his words.

I nodded, my loose hair sliding against my pillow. I wanted to tell him I loved him too, but fear tugged at my stomach, taking away the words before I could say them. Instead, I lifted my hips and pulled him deeper within me.

“Show me how much,” I requested.

He grinned before he leaned over and kissed me. Then he spent the next forty-five minutes showing me just how much he truly loved me.

32

Josh

She didn’t say she loved me, but I could see it in her eyes as I made love to her. And afterward, while I held her naked body against mine, I knew the look in her eyes would have to be enough for me. I didn’t blame her. She was afraid, but I was afraid too. I had given her the ability to hurt me all over again, and I wasn’t sure if I would survive another heartbreak from Jenny.

An hour later, I shifted in bed, ready to get up, get dressed, and get back to the hospital with Mom. She was being discharged and coming home the following day, and I wanted to make sure everything was ready to go. Not to mention, Jenny hadn’t asked me to stay. I didn’t want to push too much on her too quickly. With Mom coming home and things getting settled, I could turn this thing going on with Jenny into the real deal.

I sat up and leaned over the side of the bed. She slid up behind me, her warmth sending a wave of tingles up my spine.

“Are you leaving?” she asked from behind me, her soft lips pressing against my shoulder.

I nodded.

“You don’t have to leave,” she said, her small fingers sliding down my side. “I mean, unless you want to.”

I smiled, loving that she wanted me to stay. Things were feeling like old times. Before all the bullshit. Before my injury. Before Texas. And my heart cracked open for her, letting all the love I had for Jenny free again. I gasped a bit, rubbing at my chest with the sensation.

“I don’t want to.”

Then I remembered the nightmares I sometimes had, and my reaction when I woke up. What if that happened with Jenny? What if I woke up and attacked her, unsure of who she was in the dark room? The last thing in the world I wanted to do was hurt her, but even though I had been dealing with the anxiety and nightmares for years, I still didn’t trust myself.

“But I have to.”

I stood, her fingers sliding down over my hip before she let her hand fall to the mattress. She pulled the sheets up and over her naked breasts, and I saw the moment of uncertainty in her eyes.

“I wish I could stay,” I assured her, “but I have to get things ready for Mom. She comes home tomorrow.”

“That’s great news.”

She smiled, and the nervousness cleared from her eyes. I knew I had said the right thing.

Once I was dressed, I leaned over her, taking in how beautiful she looked. Her hair was wild, her lips swollen from my kisses. I knew beneath the sheet she was naked and warm, her smooth skin plump and begging for my touches.

I was a lucky man.

I kissed her before running the tip of my nose across hers.

“I’ll see you tomorrow?” I asked, since I wasn’t sure if she would be busy or not.

She bit her bottom lip and nodded, a sweet grin tugging at the sides of her lips.

She was perfect.

Again, I kissed her, breathing her in to hold me over for bit, and when I pulled away, I told her I loved her once again. Like before, she didn’t respond, but I didn’t stress about it. I saw it in her eyes, and for now, that was enough.

 The house was dark and quiet, but I knew my way even in the dark. I locked the front door and pulled it closed behind me. Once I was in my truck and the engine was running, I put it in drive and started toward home. I smiled the entire way, feeling like the old me for the first time in three long years.

We had dinner at her place the following night. She made spaghetti, which was Caleb’s favorite, and we sat at the table and ate together. It was nice, and for a few moments, I could pretend Jenny and Caleb were mine. Afterward, I helped her clean the kitchen while Caleb watched cartoons in the living room and played with his toys.

After Caleb’s bath, we snuggled on the couch and watched a movie until he could no longer keep his eyes open and passed out in Jenny’s arms. We didn’t move him and continued to watch the movie.

“I think I need to get him to bed. My arm is going numb.” She chuckled, leaning up and holding Caleb in her arms.

He wasn’t a tiny boy, and he looked huge and heavy in her arms.

“I can put him in his bed,” I said, reaching out to take him from her arms. “I mean, if that’s okay?”

There was a strange look in her eyes that sent a shock to my heart. Jenny was a single mother. She was probably used to do everything for Caleb. She deserved help sometimes, and honestly, I wanted to do it. Kids weren’t in the cards for me, but Jenny and Caleb were. If I wanted his mom, it meant I wanted him too.

She let me take him from her, and I held his small frame against my chest. It was bizarre, how close I felt to Caleb even though I had just entered his life. His little head rolled onto my shoulder and his pouty lips popped open as he breathed in deep. I grinned down at him, feeling a warmth for the boy in my chest.

The hallway to his room was dark, but I knew the way, and once I opened his bedroom door and I saw the little puppy nightlight, I smiled. His room was blue with trains colorfully painted on the walls. His bed was small, and his bedding was red.

In the corner was a toybox overflowing with toys and a kid’s tool bench next to that with plastic tools and little bits of wood. There were shelves too high for him to reach full of children’s books, and I wondered briefly if Jenny read to him at night.

I pulled the blankets back and lay his little body on top of the sheets with choo choo trains all over them. His head brushed mine, and the smell of his soap smelled fresh like a baby. My chest grew tight, and I found myself staring down at him as I covered him with his blankets, wishing more than anything that he was mine.

When I stood to leave his room, I found Jenny leaning against the doorframe of his room smiling back at me.

“He’s kind of perfect, huh?” I said, feeling love blossom for the small boy in the bed beside me.

She nodded, her eyes filling with tears I didn’t understand.

“He is.”

I moved to her and took her into my arms.

“What’s with the tears?” I asked, reaching up and wiping one away with my thumb.

She shook her head and closed her eyes. “Nothing. It’s just seeing you with him. I can’t explain it.”

I kissed her forehead and held her closer.

We turned everything off since Harold was staying the night at his girlfriend’s place again, and then we got in Jenny’s bed and watched TV in her room. Instead of sex, I held her in my arms, kissing her when I couldn’t help myself and knowing I couldn’t stay. I was too afraid of the nightmares—of hurting Jenny—of her finding out I was more broken than I looked.

She fell asleep in my arms, but instead of leaving, I held her close and finished the movie. If I didn’t think about it too much, I could almost pretend we were in our own home, Jenny was mine, and so was Caleb, which was exactly what I wanted.

33

Jenny

I wasn’t sure how long I slept, but when I woke, it was still dark out. I checked my cell to see that it was four in the morning, and when I looked up and saw that Josh was staring down at me, I jerked.

“You’re awake,” I stated the obvious.

The TV was still on, and he looked extra sexy in the soft glow of the screen.

He reached out and caught a lock of my hair between his fingers with a smile. “I am.”

“Why aren’t you sleeping?”

He kissed the side of my mouth and pushed his fingers into my hair. “I don’t want to miss a single moment.”

His sweet words sent a wave of joy over me.

“You’re going to hate yourself in the morning. You should get some rest.”

His eyes moved over my face, and I could see the moonlight just outside the window in his eyes.

“Tell me about Caleb’s dad,” he said, sucking the oxygen out of the room.

I tensed in his arms, and suddenly, the room felt as though it was falling all around me. Earlier in the night, when I watched him put Caleb to bed, I had almost told him the truth. The moment had been perfection, and strangely, when Josh pulled away from Caleb, there was a look of longing and love in his eyes.

I should have told him then, but I hesitated, and once again, I was in a position I didn’t like.

“We went to school together.” The lie leaped from my lips.

Although, technically, it wasn’t a lie. Josh and I had gone to school together.

He nodded, accepting my answer easily.

“Did you love him?” he asked, a dark shadow passing over his expression.

His questions were making me nervous. Before, I was all set to tell him the truth, but now things were different. We were almost us again, and I was afraid if I told him, I would send things in reverse. I loved being with him too much to lose it so soon.

He would be mad that I didn’t tell him before, and I didn’t want to screw up whatever it was we were doing as soon as it started. So again, for selfish reasons, I continued to lie.

“I don’t know.”

I did know.

I was so in love with Josh it hurt.

A pained emotion filled his eyes, but he blinked it away.

“You had classes together or something?”

I nodded, looking away as I answered.

Josh used to know me better than I knew myself. If he looked in my eyes, he would know I was lying.

“What’s his name?” he pushed.

I didn’t want to lie to him anymore, so instead of answering, I said, “I don’t like talking about him. Can we talk about something else?”

He frowned, and I saw his mind working.

I could only avoid the subject for long. He wanted answers, but the problem was, I was too afraid to lose him again to give him what he wanted.

34

Josh

Something was off with her, and it worried me. It seemed every time I mentioned Caleb’s father, Jenny got tense and her face would turn pale. It was as if I was mentioning a ghost or a moment she wanted to forget. I knew how that felt. If I could, I would forget Afghanistan and all the moments that changed me because of it.

Thoughts filled my head that I despised, sending my protective side into overdrive. Thoughts like, what if she had been forced? What if I had spent the past three years of my life mad at the woman I loved and blaming her for being raped.

She didn’t have a name. Or if she did, she never mentioned it. And anytime I even brought it up, she would openly ask to change the subject. She wanted to forget Caleb’s father, and while I okay with that, I still wanted to know why.

Guilt was eating me alive, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask her if she had been raped. If she wanted to forget, I certainly didn’t want to force her to remember.

Time slowly passed. Mom was released from the hospital after a second open-heart surgery, which was unexpected, and once we got her settled at home and back on her feet, I got a flow to working the farm and dealing with the horses. I had done it almost all my life, and it was as if I had never stopped.

Genie and Jimmy came by almost every night, bringing the girls and dinner for Mom and me, and after dinner and once I cleaned the kitchen and got Mom settled into bed, I would go to Jenny’s for a few hours, spending time with her watching movies and being together like old times.

Sometimes, Caleb would wake up and climb onto the couch with us, and those nights were even better. If I closed my eyes and imagined I hadn’t gone into the military, I could pretend Jenny and Caleb were mine, and I had my own little family. It hurt to think a child of my own could never be, but if Jenny would let me, I would be there for Caleb as if he were my own if we continued the path we were on.

“You’ve been spending an awful lot of time with Jenny and Caleb lately,” Mom said, smiling around her cup of coffee.

She was in her favorite purple housecoat and was wearing the fluffy slippers Genie had gotten her for her hospital stay.

Her shoulder-length hair was a mix of darks and grays and hung loosely beside her aging face.

My parents had children later in life, so my parents were older than most people’s my age. I never paid attention before, but I know it had a ton to do with how good my life had been growing up. My parents were settled and ready and had given Genie and me the world.

I set a plate of eggs in front of her and grinned.

“I have. It’s been nice spending time with them.”

“What’s going on there?” she asked. A small smirk forming on her lips.

I sat down at the table with her and dug into my own eggs. “We’re just getting to know each other again,” I said around my food before I chugged my glass of milk and washed it down.

“Uh-huh.” She stirred her coffee a bit more after adding some sugar. “Just be careful. I don’t want either of you getting hurt.”

“Of course. The last thing I want to do is hurt Jenny. I especially don’t want to hurt Caleb. He’s a good kid.”

Mom’s face cleared, and she nodded, her eyes drifting away from mine as if she were hiding something. “He really is.”

After that, she went quiet, eating her breakfast and reading over the paper. Once I finished my eggs, I collected my things and went to work cleaning out the stalls and feeding the horses. I had learned a few new tricks on the farm in Texas that I used at our place, and it made things much easier. Once I was able, I would hire on a few more people and maybe pick up a new stallion or two for breeding.

Two hours passed and I was working on the tractor when I heard a set of steps crunching over the grass and heading in my direction. I pulled my hat from my head and swiped at the sweat on my forehead with the back of my arm as I waited for the person to come into view around the tractor.

It was Jenny.

She walked toward me, her legs looking long in a pair of shorts and a green tank top. Her toes were painted blue, and I grinned, knowing Emma bear, Devin’s daughter, had gotten her hands on Jenny.

She looked beautiful with her long hair piled on top of her head and a pair of aviator shades shielding what I knew were an amazing set of green eyes.

“Hey, you,” I greeted her with a smile, climbing down from the tractor and pulling off my work gloves.

She grinned at me and tossed a brown paper bag my way. “Hey, yourself. What are you doing out here?”

I opened the bag to find a sandwich from my favorite small-town sandwich shop inside. Ham and turkey on wheat with tons of pickles and mayo. Moving the sandwich, I saw my other favorite, a can of Dr. Pepper, rolling around in the bottom of the bag.

“This is perfect. I’m starving. Thanks,” I said, popping the can of Pep open and taking a long swig.

It burned the back of my throat a bit before the cold liquid slid down and cooled me.

“I’m just tuning up the old tractor. It needs maintenance every now and again.”

“Anything I can help with?” she asked, pushing her shades up into her hair and running her hand over the rusted green tractor.

I envisioned her naked with my greasy fingerprints all over her plump flesh while she tinkered with the tractor. My cock grew hard in my jeans, but I pushed the thoughts away and bit into my sandwich.

“Nah, I think I got it.”

“Do you have time to hang out? I’m on my lunch break.”

“Absolutely.”

Jenny came to me this time. She wanted to spend time with me. I wasn’t about to tell her no, even if I had a full day’s worth of shit to get done.

We walked around the farm, and I showed her the new things I was implementing in place of my dad’s old ways. We stopped by the stable so she could see the horses, and I leaned against stable wall and enjoyed watching her as she spoke softly to her favorite and ran her fingers along his silky coat.

When we reached the pond at the back of the property, we stopped to skip rocks the way we used to when we were younger. She reached down, snagged a rock from the shore, and skipped it along the surface of the water. It skipped four times before disappearing into the darkness.

“Nice. Let me see if I still got it.” I grinned before reaching down and collecting my own rock.

I reached back and let the rock fly and it skimmed the surface of the water, skipping six times before we could no longer see it.

“I guess you still got it.”

I chuckled. “I wish.”

“What’s that mean?” she asked, reaching down for another rock.

I shrugged, feeling uncomfortable talking about how I felt inside. “It means I’m different.”

She skimmed the rock over the surface of the water, and it skipped three times before it disappeared into the pond. “How so?”

“I don’t know, Jen. I mean, I’ve seen things. I’ve been through things. I’m not as strong as I used to be, you know?”

Her eyes moved from my face and down over my shoulders before dipping over my chest. I worked out a lot. I knew what she was thinking. I looked stronger physically, and I was. I once had the same assumption. If I worked out and grew stronger, I could get past my demons, but I was wrong. When I said I wasn’t as strong, I meant mentally. My mind was weak—letting memories move in of their own accord—sending me into false panic moments.

Some days, I couldn’t control the anger. Sometimes I would wake up, and instead of panicking, I would feel the need to destroy everything in my path. I would die if I ever hurt someone I loved, especially Jenny, and I didn’t trust my mind not to play tricks on me. On those days, I worked harder and stayed away. She didn’t seem to notice, or if she did, she didn’t mention it.

“You seem pretty strong to me. I bet you could lift my car.”

I latched on to her sentence and used it to change the subject. “Speaking of which, is that the same car you got for graduation?”

She smiled; her eyes full of pride. “Yep.”

“Damn, that thing was a hunk of junk. Where did your dad get it anyway?”

She shrugged. “Daddy took it as a trade. Do you remember Mr. Johnson?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, his Dodge finally went out on him, and he needed new engine. He can’t afford to feed himself, much less get a new engine, so he offered Daddy the frame. You know Daddy, he couldn’t refuse a classic. Even if it did need everything else.”

I chuckled.

I did know Mr. Michaels, and while he was a bit of a drinker, the man had a love of cars that he passed down to both of his kids.

“That was nice of him.”

She nodded. “Yeah. So Daddy gave it to me. Devin and I built a new engine for him, and Devin paid to get him painted when we were finished since I did such a great job with the engine.”

“Nice. Black with white racing stripes. You always wanted that.”

She blushed a bit and turned away.

I knew her so well. She couldn’t deny it if she wanted to.

“Shut up. It’s a classic look. He’s hot with it.”

Again, I chuckled. “He?”

“Yeah. Carlos. He’s my favorite male. Outside of Caleb, Dad, and Devin.”

I nodded, pretending to understand.

Then a tiny thought punctured my heart.

I had once been her favorite male.

“And I suppose … you too,” she added, making my day without even knowing it.

I grinned at her, glad to hear that I was once again in her good graces. She smiled back at me, and then her face cleared as if she knew she was about to ruin our moment with her next words.

“Josh, I need to tell you something,” she said, her expression turning desperate.

When I looked in her eyes, there was panic. My heart skipped a beat, afraid she was going to pull away or tell me something that would crush me. Things were finally starting to feel normal with us. We were together a lot, spending time just me, her, and Caleb. We had dinner and watched movies. We took Caleb for ice cream and went to the park so he could swing. I had never been so happy, and I walked around waiting for it to all be snatched from me.

She went quiet, squeezing her fingers together so tightly they began to turn white. I reached out and pulled her hands into mine.

“You can tell me anything. You know that.”

I sent out a silent prayer that she wasn’t about to break my heart.

“It’s about Caleb’s father,” she said, linking her fingers with mine.

Relief flowed through me before my shoulders grew tense as I waited for her to tell me what I suspected. Jenny had been forced. Being back in town and around Jenny, I now knew everyone had been wrong about her. She wasn’t what they said she was. Jenny didn’t sleep around, and I had a feeling that other than Caleb’s father, I had still been the only one.

“I’m listening,” I said, pushing her to continue.

She swallowed hard, her delicate throat bobbing up and down. What she was about to tell me was hard for her to say, and I had a feeling once the words were out, she was going to break and need me. I didn’t care what it was. I would always be there for Jenny. I loved her.

Always.

She opened her mouth, and then snapped it closed, and I saw the exact moment the curtain dropped inside her brain and she decided to keep her secret. Pulling her into my arms, I rested my chin on the top of her head and breathed in the sweet smell of her shampoo.

“When you’re ready to talk about it, I’m here.”

She nodded against my chest. I held her close to me and made a silent promise that whatever it was, I would make it better. No matter what.

35

Jenny

“Ready or not, here I come!” Josh’s voice echoed through the house.

His heavy footsteps made the floors of our old house creak and pop. We could hear him getting closer, and Caleb giggled at my side. We were smooshed together, hiding in the bottom of Caleb’s closet while Josh padded down the hallway searching for us. Doors opened and closed until we heard Caleb’s bedroom door open and knew we were about to be found.

Spending time with Caleb and Josh had become my new favorite thing over the past few weeks. Seeing Josh with his son was an amazing thing, even if Josh didn’t know Caleb was his … yet.

Soon.

Soon I would tell him.

I had tried before, deciding it was best to get it over with, but as soon as the words were about to leave my lips, Josh had looked at me as if I had already broken his heart, and I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to hurt him. He had missed so much already, and I knew the second he found out the truth, he was going to be crushed.

It had to be the right moment, and no matter how many days we spent together, no moment ever felt right. I had so many opportunities, and I hadn’t taken them. I knew Josh. That was going to be the first thing he said to me when he found out. I just hoped that it wouldn’t send us back to a place where we hated each other again. I wasn’t sure I could do that with Josh again, considering all we had been through.

The nights in his arms talking about everything were like having my best friend and the man of dreams back all at the same time. Things were perfect, and I wasn’t ready to let that go yet. Especially not since Caleb was becoming attached to Josh. Without either of them realizing it, they were bonding as father and son. My heart opened even wider for Josh, knowing that even if Caleb wasn’t his, he would treat my child as his own. He loved me that much and obviously loved Caleb, as well.

“I found you!” he called out, pulling the closet door open.

Light filtered into the closet space, and Caleb squealed and took off running toward base, my dad’s recliner. I laughed at his little legs moving so quickly.

Josh reached out for my hand and pulled me up and into his arms.

“I got you,” he teased, running his nose along the side of my cheek.

He placed a soft kiss on the side of my neck that send a wave of chills over my body.

“Yep, you found me.”

He placed another soft kiss on the corner of my lips and pulled away. His eyes held mine, and he smiled. “Now that I’ve found you, do I get to keep you?”

Yes.

All I wanted was to be kept by Josh.

He was mine.

I was his.

Forever.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him back. “That depends.”

He snickered and licked his lips. “Oh really? On what?”

“Do you have any gummy bears?” I joked.

He chuckled, his dimples showing. “I will buy you all the gummy bears in the world if that’s what it takes.”

“Then I’m all yours.”

At that, he laughed and kissed me harder. We held hands down the hallway and found Caleb sitting on Dad’s recliner with a big smile on his face.

Afterward, when it was my turn to be it and find the boys, I was happy to find them hiding behind Josh’s truck outside, giggling and shushing each other. I loved them together. The way Josh tousled Caleb’s hair and taught him how to tie his shoes. The way Caleb would run to Josh when he needed help with something or his favorite truck broke.

It was all too perfect.

In such a short amount of time, Josh was become more than Caleb’s father. He was like a dad, and my heart swelled with love for him knowing he was taking that position without even knowing it was his blood in Caleb’s veins.

We played hide and seek for another thirty minutes before Caleb started to get tired. He yawned and rubbed at his eyes, and I knew he wasn’t going to last much longer. We’d had an exciting day. One filled with the pet store, where Josh bought Caleb a hamster named George, that Josh was keeping at his place, and two hours at a small water fountain they had added in the center of town.

Josh went back to his place to check on his mom, who was doing well, while I gave Caleb his bath and put him down for bed. Dad was staying with Janice again, and on those nights, Josh would stay longer, but he would never stay the night. I wanted him to, but he said he didn’t feel right about it since it was my dad’s house and my son was in the room next door. It was a respect thing, and I appreciated that about him.

When he came back, he walked me backward down the hallway to my room where he slowly stripped me naked and made love to me until my legs were quaking, and I wasn’t sure I could take anymore. I hadn’t felt so confident in all my life. Not even when my waist was smaller, and my tits were perky. The way Josh worshipped me, kissing and touching every part of my body, made me feel more beautiful than I ever had in my entire life.

Afterward, we lay there holding each other, basking in the after-sex relaxation, but after an hour or so, Josh moved to get his clothes. He was leaving like usual, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to let him go. I wanted to fall asleep in his arms like I had before.

“Stay,” I said, taking his hand and pulling him back to the bed.

He chuckled and dropped his shirt before leaning over and kissing me. “But Caleb,” he said against my lips.

I reached behind him, grabbing his ass and pulling him farther into the bed with me.

“He’ll be fine. Just stay with me. At least until I fall asleep.”

He climbed in next to me and pulled me back into his arms. His smile was sweet when he reached up and pushed my hair from my eyes and behind my ear.

“I’ll stay. Get some sleep.”

And then he kissed the tip of my nose, and I fell in love with him all over again.

“Josh,” I said, knowing I was about to give in to him completely.

“Hmmm?”

His eyes were closed, and his breathing was steady.

“I love you. I never stopped loving you.”

His eyes opened, and he looked down at me. And at that moment, I knew things would be okay. I was going to tell him the truth, and we were going to be a family the way I had always hoped we would be.

36

Josh

Jenny told me she loved me, but while I loved hearing her say the words, I had known all along how she felt. It was in her eyes when she looked at me—in the way she trusted me with her beautiful son—the way she welcomed me into their little family with open arms.

I had fallen head over heels in love with Caleb, and spending time with them had become my new favorite thing in the entire world. He was such a smart kid and fun to be around. And sometimes, when he climbed into my lap and wrapped his little arms around my neck, I could almost forget the heartache of never having children of my own. He was enough for me even though it wasn’t my blood running through his veins.

Knowing what I knew now, Jenny hadn’t run to Texas and slept around.

No.

Jenny had run to Texas with a broken heart, courtesy of me, and she wasn’t about to let me break it again. I understood that. Respected that. And it only made me love her more that she would do all she could to protect not only herself from heartache, but her son, as well.

“I love you, too,” I said, kissing her forehead and pulling her closer.

The past was in the past, and somehow even with every obstacle we had faced, she was still able to make me the happiest man in the world.

I watched her fall asleep in my arms. Her eyes grew heavy before they closed, and her breathing grew softer. I couldn’t stay the night. I didn’t feel comfortable leaving my mom alone for too long, and even though I hadn’t had a nightmare in a long while, I still worried I might.

But I was warm with Jenny, and her soothing breathing relaxed me. I figured another hour with her in my arms would be fine. That I could last that long before getting up, getting dressed, and heading home, but as I listened to the rhythm of her breathing and felt the steady tap of her heartbeat against my arm, I felt myself begin to drift away as well.

An explosion sounded, and screams ripped through the night, sending my body into a cold shock. The sound of rapid gunfire followed, making me drop to the ground only to realize I was lying on top of a dead man. His empty eyes stared back at me, and the longer I looked at him, the more he started to look like me.

It was me.

I was dead.

Shattered and broken limbs surrounded me, and I moved away, crawling across the bloody sand until I reached nothing but darkness. The sounds of a child crying pulled me from my death, and I jerked awake, reaching for a weapon that wasn’t there.

I wasn’t in a bed. Instead, I was standing in the corner of an unfamiliar dark space. I was shaking, my body covered in chills and cold sweat dripping from my flesh. My heart drilled behind my ribs, and I hyperventilated, drawing as much oxygen as I could into my starving lungs only to feel as though it wasn’t enough.

I was suffocating.

I slowly came back to myself, the nightmare pushing to the back of my conscious and the room around me coming into focus. I was in Jenny’s room. My eyes moved over her empty bed, her sheets tossed around and her mattress shifted as if it were about to fall to the floor. Her dresser was pushed over in front of me, the drawers falling open with clothes spilling out and the items that had been on top littered all around.

The lamp was knocked from the nightstand, and on the corner, there was a spot of blood that sent a spiral of dread through me. I looked down at my hands, seeing them covered in blood for a few brief seconds before reality slipped over me and it disappeared.

I was losing my mind.

Panic and anxiety crippled me, and I pushed myself farther into the corner to get away from the scene in front of me. That was when I saw them in the corner of the room across from me. Jenny was standing, holding Caleb close to her chest. Blood ran down the side of her face as she stared back at me with wide eyes.

Caleb clung to her, his arms and legs wrapped around her, and his face buried in her neck.

“Make him stop, Mommy,” he cried. “He’s scaring me.”

She rubbed at his back, trying to soothe him. “It’s okay, baby. Everything’s going to be okay.”

What had I done?

My eyes moved over her face, taking in the blood, and my knees went weak beneath me. I dropped, my palms going to the floor in front of me as I tried again to breathe.

“Jenny,” I whispered her name. “What have I done?”

She moved toward me, reaching out with her free hand, but I jerked away from her. I was dangerous. I had hurt her and made Caleb cry. He was afraid of me. What had I done to scare him so badly?

I was wrong.

So fucking wrong.

I could never have a normal life with Jenny. I would never be happy because I was always going to be haunted by my injury. The sickness of war had destroyed all hopes I had of being a family man—having kids—having a life with Jenny. She deserved better, and Caleb deserved more than a crazed lunatic who could never give him a brother or sister. A man who freaked out in the middle of the night and harmed his mother and could have harmed him.

No.

Never again.

I stood, grabbing for my shirt, and pulled it over my head.

“Josh?” Jenny’s soft voice moved over me, instilling certainty in my actions and thoughts.

“This is over,” I said, dead set on walking away from her and Caleb and never looking back. “We can’t see each other anymore.”

“What? Wait. Let’s talk about this,” she said, moving toward me once again.

I held my hand out and shook my head. “No. This is done. No more.”

I was no good for them. I was dangerous, and I loved them too much to ever put them at risk.

Caleb turned toward me, his wide dark eyes moving over my face and his expression one full of fear.

“I’m so sorry, little man,” I whispered.

And then I fled, leaving Jenny calling out my name along with the sounds of Caleb crying behind me.

I loved them enough to leave.

No matter how badly my heart broke and bled. No matter if I knew I would never be happy again. They were all that mattered. The woman I loved and the son I would always want but could never have.

37

Jenny

I wasn’t sure what happened. One minute, I was warm in Josh’s arms, and the next, he was thrashing around the bed. I rolled away from him and leaped from the bed, only to hit my head against the nightstand. Pain flashed through my brain, and I reached up and touched the tender spot. When I pulled my hand away, there was blood on my fingers.

I couldn’t worry about that, though, because Josh was tearing my room apart. I screamed for him to stop, but when he looked at me, he looked through me. His eyes were blank as if he weren’t even there, and that scared me. I had never in all our years together seen him act this way.

Caleb came crashing through the door at the sounds of my room being torn apart, and I pulled him into my arms and moved as far into the corner and away from Josh as I could.

I had never been afraid of Josh, but this wasn’t Josh. This was someone else entirely, and I had to protect my son first and foremost.

Caleb cried, and I pulled his face to my neck to shield him from seeing Josh and what he was doing. And just as quickly as it started, it stopped. Josh’s eyes cleared and realization set in. One minute, he was crouched in the corner of my room like a wounded animal lashing out, and the next, his eyes were full of unshed tears, and he was fleeing from my house.

I wanted to run after him, but with Caleb in my arms, I knew that was a bad idea. The thought crossed my mind to call Mrs. Black, but I didn’t want to worry her since she was having heart issues. So instead, I searched my room for my cell, and I called Genie.

It was early, the light of the awakening sun was slowly coming in through my windows, so when she answered on the third ring, I was shocked.

“Hello?” Her voice cracked with sleep.

“Genie, it’s Jenny. I’m so sorry to call you this early in the morning, but something happened with Josh.”

The sounds of her moving from her bed came through the line, and when she spoke again, her voice was much clearer. “What happened? Is he okay?”

“I’m not sure. He spent the night last night and woke up freaking out.”

I explained everything, from the moment I fell asleep to the moment Josh fled my house. She remained calm the entire time, and when I finished my story, she simply said, “Okay. Everything’s going to be okay. I’ll go find him.”

She was casual about it.

That didn’t make any sense to me.

“Why aren’t you freaking out, Genie? This is serious.”

She went quiet on the other end of the line, and then I heard her breathe. “Shit. He didn’t tell you, did he?”

I felt like reaching through the phone and choking her. She wasn’t making any sense.

“Tell me what? What’s going on, Genie?”

“Josh has post-traumatic stress disorder. Physically, he fared well when the IED blew up his convoy, but mentally … not so much. He was a mess when he came home. He went to Texas for rehab, and he’s doing much better, but he still has panic attacks. Most times, nightmares trigger it. That’s probably what happened.”

I sat on the couch, and my eyes went to Caleb who had all but forgotten about the morning’s drama and was playing with his toys on the floor.

“Is he dangerous?” I asked, tears breaking in my voice.

“He thinks he is. It’s why he didn’t want to see you after his injury.”

My mind flashed back to the past, thinking of the desperation on Josh’s face when he was screaming at me to leave. Pieces started to move together; misunderstandings began to make sense. And everything in our past that pulled us apart was suddenly so clear.

I gasped, feeling nauseous with the realization.

Josh was struggling, and he needed me.

I gripped the phone and closed my eyes. The memories of our past few weeks flashed through my mind until one conversation stuck to my brain. Josh’s words played on repeat, reminding me of the promises we had made to each other.

Never leave me again. No matter how hard I push you away.

I told him I wouldn’t let him push me away again. I had promised, and I wasn’t about to break that promise.

I spent the rest of the morning putting my bedroom back in order and spending time with Caleb to make sure he was okay. Once Dad got home, I filled him in on everything that was going on, and he kept Caleb for me so I could go and check on Josh.

His truck was parked out front when I pulled up at his house. I cut the engine on my car and went up the front steps to the porch to find Mrs. Black sitting there drinking a glass of sweet tea.

“Is Josh here?” I asked.

“He’s around here somewhere. I think he’s back at the stable. Is everything okay?”

I felt the tears coming, but I kept them at bay. “He trashed my room this morning.”

She gasped and set her glass down on the table beside her rocking chair.

“What happened?”

I shrugged, sitting in the chair beside her. “He woke up freaking out. I didn’t know he was struggling. He never told me. If I had known …”

She reached out and lay her delicate hand on my arm. “You didn’t know because he didn’t tell you. Josh never wants to seem weak, and he’s not. He’s the strongest man I know, but he does struggle. It’s only natural, considering what he went through. Just be there for him, Jenny. I couldn’t take it if he ran off to Texas again. I just lost my husband. I don’t want to lose my son, too.”

I nodded, swiping at an escaped tear as it rushed down my cheek.

“He’s not going anywhere. I’m here for him. I’ll take care of him.”

I left Mrs. Black on the front porch with a promise I wasn’t sure I could keep, but I knew I would sure try.

I found Josh where Mrs. Black said he would be. He was brushing a mare with long strokes and speaking in soothed hushed tones. I stood to the side and watched, enjoying the view of him in such a calm state, considering how panicked he had been that morning.

Once he was done, he turned to set the brush down, and his eyes connected with mine.

“You shouldn’t be here,” he said, his words clipped and angry.

We weren’t going to do this again. I wasn’t going to let him push me away with his angry words. I understood now. He was wounded and lashing out, and I was going to be the one who took care of him.

“We need to talk,” I said, moving closer to him.

His shoulders and lips grew tense as I approached him.

“There’s nothing to talk about. You stay away from me, and I’ll stay away from you.”

I snorted, knowing there was no way I was going to allow that.

“That’s not going to happen.”

He paused with his hand on his hip and swiped at his sweaty forehead.

“Why are you doing this?” he asked. “Just let it go. It’s not going to work. I don’t want it to work.”

“You’re lying,” I said, moving even closer. “And I’m doing this because I love you, Josh. You are all I’ve ever wanted and needed, and now that we are at this place in our lives, I refuse to let you go again.”

He stepped away and shook his head.

“You made me promise that I wouldn’t let you push me away again. This is me keeping that promise.”

I reached out and let my fingers brush his arm. Even after the morning we had, I felt confident that Josh would never hurt me.

“Don’t you understand?” His voice broke with desperation. “I can’t give you the kind of life you deserve. I can’t be a man worthy of you, Jenny. I’m fucked up, and no matter how hard I try to get better, I can’t. I want to be perfect for you and Caleb.”

I moved into him, wrapping my arms around his waist and burying my head in his chest. He smelled like fresh hay and sunshine.

“But you are perfect for us. You love me exactly how I want to be loved and seeing you with Caleb. You’re an amazing Dad to him, Josh.”

He pushed me away, his elbows locking into place to keep me at a distance.

“That’s the thing. I can never be a dad. Not really.”

Confusion moved over me.

What the hell did that mean?

“I don’t understand. What are you saying?”

“I’m saying I can never give you a baby, Jenny. I can never really be a father.”

“Of course, you can, but we can talk about that later, Josh. If you want to have kids, we can try. I want to spend my life with you. Have a family with you and …”

“Didn’t you just hear me!” he yelled, shocking me into silence. “I can’t have kids.” He pounded at his chest. “I’m so fucking broken, Jenny. Not just mentally, but physically too. That fucking explosion took more than my good sense … I’m infertile. Being with me means no family, and I assure you, I’m not worth that.”

His shoulders dropped, and I was shocked when he reached up and swiped at a tear that ran down his cheek in slow motion. My heart drilled behind my ribs painfully, and the oxygen around me went thin.

Josh was standing before me upset because he would never have a child, and I had held the secret of him being Caleb’s father in for three fucking years.

I knew before I opened my mouth that I was about to lose him forever, but I could no longer keep it my secret. It meant too much to him. I had known Josh long enough to know that he wanted kids. He wanted a large family. And that had been taken away from him, but he had Caleb, and it was time he knew the truth.

“Caleb’s yours,” I blurted, the words echoing throughout the stable and making the horses at our side snicker.

His eyes moved over my face, and his expression dropped.

“Jenny, it would be an honor to have Caleb as my son. I would love him as my own always, but I can’t. I can’t be good of him or you.”

I clenched my eyes tightly to rid the black orbs that were beginning to float in my vision and then I tried again to make him understand what I was saying.

“No, you don’t understand what I’m saying. Caleb is yours. He’s your blood. You’re his father.”

His brows pulled low in confusion before realization set in and his skin paled.

“What?”

The word came out whispered and broken.

“I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, but I tried in the beginning, Josh. I came to you when I found out, and I fought to tell you, but you had me tossed out, and I …”

I didn’t get to finish my sentence. Josh pulled me into his arms and buried his head in my neck. His body shook, wracked with sobs. I had never seen Josh this way, but I held him close, glad he hadn’t raged against me. I didn’t like his tears, but at least he was holding me instead of pushing me away.

He slid down my body and fell to his knees, pressing his face against my stomach.

“You’re sure?” he sniffled, looking up at me with brown eyes full of every emotion possible.

I nodded, grasping his face in my hands. “You’re the only person I’ve ever been with. I told you, you’re it for me. That wasn’t a lie.”

He kissed my stomach and closed his eyes as if he was finding peace for the first time in a long while. Then he looked up at me again and smiled through his tears.

I stared down at him, feeling relief that it was out there, and happy that things were going to be okay, but suddenly the stables started to feel as if they were tipping over. I blinked away the sensation and dug my fingers into Josh’s shoulders to keep myself standing. His expression went from happiness to worry, and he stood in front of me, grabbing my waist and holding me up.

“Hey,” he said, looking me in my face even though I was trying to look away from him. “Are you okay? Hey.” He grasped my chin and turned my face his way.

The longer I looked at him, the dizzier I became.

“Jenny, are you okay, babe?”

And then my knees went weak beneath me, and I felt myself falling. The last thing I saw before the world around me went black was Josh’s worried expression and his mouth opening as he screamed out for help.

38

Josh

I sat next to Jenny’s bed and held her hand. For an emergency room, the doctors and nurses didn’t seem to be in any rush. Thankfully, not long after they got her settled into a room, she began to feel better.

I held myself together the best I could for Jenny, but the fact was, a lot had happened in a short amount of time. I had an attack and pushed her away. I found out I was a father, which I still had a ton of questions about. And then Jenny had passed out in my arms in the stables.

I shook my leg nervously, waiting for some answers as to why my girl was passing out. I silently prayed she was okay and promised myself that no matter what, we would get through anything together. I would do what I could to take care of my family, even if it meant another stint in rehab and taking the medications they prescribed.

“Josh, relax. I’m sure it’s nothing,” Jenny said, laying a hand on my knee to keep me from shaking it.

I reached down and held her hand in mine before bringing it up and kissing her knuckles.

“I’m just nervous.”

“There’s no reason to be nervous. I’m sure it’s just my blood sugar or something. I haven’t eaten today.”

I shook my head, trying not to be upset with her for not taking better care of herself. I opened my mouth to tell her exactly what I was thinking, but the doctor came in and closed the door behind him.

“How are you feeling, Miss Michaels?” he asked without looking up from his clipboard.

Jenny sat up in the bed and pulled the hospital gown down around her knees.

“Much better. Did everything come back okay?” She asked the question I was dying to ask.

The doctor looked up and nodded. “Yep. Everything looks good. You’ll need to follow up with your OB, though.”

Confusion crossed Jenny’s expression. “My OB? But why?”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I assumed your nurse told you already. You’re pregnant, Miss. Michaels.”

“What?” Jenny and I asked at the same time, our voices melding together as one.

The doctor looked up at us and grinned.

“Yeah. I have it here. Your pregnancy test was positive. You should probably eat something because your blood sugar was a little low, but other than that, I think you should be fine to go home. Do you have any questions?” he asked, unaware of the bomb he had just dropped in the room.

Jenny shook her head, and I wanted to stop her because even if she didn’t have questions, I sure as hell did. Mainly, how was this possible? Had she been with someone else? She had just told me I had been her only, except now she was pregnant, and I had been told I was never going to be able to have kids.

The doctor left the room, leaving Jenny and I alone.

“Josh, are you okay?”

I didn’t know how to ask her if there had been someone else, but I needed to know. I wanted no more secrets between us.

“Just tell me. Let’s just get it all out now before we put it all behind us and move forward,” I said, looking down at my hands since I was unable to look her in the eye.

“What are you talking about?”

“Just tell me who and when and promise you’ll never see him again. That’s all I want to hear.”

She cupped my cheeks and lifted my face to hers. “Josh, I just told you. You’re the only person I’ve ever been with. You’re it for me.”

I shook my head, unable to believe what she was saying.

“That’s impossible.”

Her smile was soft. “Obviously, it is.”

“But they told me I …”

She put a finger to my lips, stopping me from saying anything else.

“I don’t care what they told you, Josh. I’m here standing before you and telling you now. You’re the only man I’ve ever slept with, and I’m pregnant. This baby is yours and so is Caleb. You’re a daddy … times two.”

I didn’t know how to respond to that. In one day, I had gotten everything I could ever want. My girl and the family to go along with her. I pulled her into my arms and buried my face into her neck to breathe her in. I needed to know she was real.

“You just made me the happiest man in the world, Jenny. You’ve given me everything I’ve ever wanted. What can I give you? You name it, and it’s yours.”

She pulled back with a beautiful smile that I hoped to see every day for the rest of my life.

“Some gummy bears would be nice.”

I laughed, loving her even more at that moment.

My girl wanted gummy bears and I would spend the rest of my life making sure she got them any time she wanted them.

EPILOGUE

Josh

Jenny was in labor for twelve hours with our baby girl. She was determined to try for a vaginal birth, but since Caleb had been a cesarean, the doctors weren’t too confident about it. Still, she tried until they told her it wasn’t going to happen. Even though she was having contractions, she wasn’t dilating.

Vaugh’s words from before moved through my brain like a freight train as they prepped Jenny in the surgery.

My mom said Jenny almost died giving birth.

I shook my head to rid myself of those thoughts and waited just outside the room for them to let me in. Every part of my clothing was covered in the white paper jumpsuit and booties they made me put on. I slid the paper hat over my head and looked up when the door opened, and a nurse peeked her head around it.

“Mr. Black. You can be with your wife now. They are about to get started.”

I nodded and followed her in.

The room was cold and sterile. The walls of white surrounded my Jenny, who was lying in a bed with a sheet covering the lower half of her body. They sat me on a rolling stool at her head, and I leaned over and kissed her on the forehead.

“You’re going to do great. She’ll be here before you know it.”

Her smile was stiff, and I knew she was just as nervous as I was.

Minus the first few months and the horrible morning sickness she had, her pregnancy hadn’t been terrible. I went to every appointment, determined not to miss a single thing.

I closed my eyes and thought about the first time I saw the heartbeat and the way my heart had jumped inside my chest.

The first ultrasound when we could see the baby’s profile had been amazing, but the gender reveal party Lilly and Devin had thrown for us was the best. I had expected another boy, and when the fireworks went off above our heads, shining in all their pink glory, I thought for sure Jenny was going to pass out.

A girl.

My tomboy was having my baby girl, and I was thrilled about it.

Jenny was shaking, her lips were blue, and her skin was pale. I leaned over her, pressing my face to hers. “Baby, try to relax. Everything’s going to be fine. I promise.”

I hoped to hell I didn’t break that promise.

“I love you,” she whispered with trembling lips.

“I love you more.”

“Okay, we’re getting started. You might feel some pressure,” the doctor behind the sheet said.

Jenny clenched her eyes tightly, and a tiny sound escaped from her lips when the doctors began to move her lower half.

“Oh my God,” she whispered, fear lacing her words.

I rubbed her cheek, trying to keep her attention on me, but again, she made a strange noise, and a tear rolled down her cheek. Minutes passed, and my worry grew.

“You’re doing great, baby. She’s almost here,” I said with confidence I didn’t feel.

Then everything paused, and the sounds of a crying baby echoed throughout the room.

“And here she is,” the doctor said, holding our baby girl up high enough that both Jenny and I could see her.

Her skin was pink, and her face was squishy. She opened her tiny lips and cried loudly, filling my heart with so much joy I gasped.

“She’s beautiful,” Jenny cried.

I nodded, agreeing but unable to speak. I stood and watched as they cleaned her and weighed her. They did a few other things, and I took pictures, feeling in awe of her tiny perfection.

Jenny chuckled at me from her spot in bed. Once the baby was wrapped tightly in a blanket, the nurse brought her over to Jenny, and we both breathed her in, placing soft kisses on her chubby little cheeks.

Once I knew Jenny and baby girl were okay, I left the room and went to the family waiting room to let everyone know the baby was here. Harold, Jenny’s dad, stood when I entered the waiting room, and his face paled.

Devin stood as well, holding Lilly’s hand and waiting for news. The kids played in the play space the hospital had set up, coloring and laughing without realizing what was going on around them.

“Is everything okay?” my mom asked, worrying a tissue in her hand.

I grinned and nodded, and the tension in the room dissolved.

“She’s here, and she’s perfect. Momma and baby are doing well.”

The room filled with happy laughter as everyone moved in and pulled me into hugs. I had never felt happier in my life. I couldn’t wait to get back to my wife and daughter, but before I went back, I wanted Caleb to know he had a little sister.

I pulled away from Lilly, whose pregnant stomach was protruding and pressing into me, and turned toward Caleb. He had stopped coloring with the commotion and was watching as everyone celebrated.

“Is Mommy okay, Daddy?” he asked, moving my way with his arms up for me to pick him up.

My son.

Hearing he was mine had been one of the happiest moments in my life, but apparently, I had been the only person clueless about it. My parents had always known and when Jenny went to tell her family, they had already known, too. Needless to say, everyone was happy it was out in the open and they wouldn’t have to hold it back any longer.

I picked him up and pretended to struggle, making him laugh. He was a big boy for four years old, but I would always welcome him with a hug. I set him on my hip, my smile making my cheeks ache as I took a minute to relish in being called Daddy. It never got old. Every time he called for me, it was like being called Daddy for the first time all over again.

“Mommy’s perfect and so is your baby sister. You can see them soon, okay?”

He nodded and put his arms around my neck and hugged me, and at that moment, everything was right.

Once they put Jenny in a room, I went in and found her sitting back in bed. Our baby girl was sleeping peacefully in a clear bassinet at her side. The name Baby Black was writing on a pink card on the end of it.

Sitting beside Jenny in bed, I leaned in and kissed her on the cheek.

“You did amazing, baby.”

She chuckled. “I literally laid there while they cut her out of me. It wasn’t like it was hard work.”

I could hardly believe her words.

The past nine months hadn’t been easy, but my wife had done an amazing thing. She had grown a healthy baby girl from the inside. She was tired. She was sick. And she still managed to be the most amazing wife and mother a man could ask for. She had no idea what a champ she was.

“You’re crazy. You gave me a daughter and a son. You’re my hero,” I said, pushing a lock of loose hair from her face.

She kissed me when I leaned in and then pulled back with a grin.

“What do you think everyone will say when we tell them her name?” she asked.

I laughed, knowing the family was going to have a field day when we told them.

“I think they will love it just as much as they love her.”

I went over to her bassinet and took her little hand in mine.

“Daddy loves you, Candy Girl,” I whispered.

Candice (Candy) Elizabeth Black was born with a head full of dark hair and the sweetest pouty lips. She was the newest member of the craziest family any guy could ask for. She was blessed with grandparents to help guide her, an aunt who would spoil her rotten, an uncle who would be almost as protective as her daddy, and the best big brother a girl could ask for. And if I was a lucky man, she would have two parents who worshipped each other for the rest of their lives and remained in love until their very last breath.

THE END

Thank you for reading Thick & Thin and thank you for your reviews!

Keep reading for what’s coming next and get a sneak peak of the rest of The Chubby Girl Chronicles!

Tabatha is a New York Times & USA Today Bestselling author, best known for her sexy adult romance Little Black Book.
Tabatha writes in all genres, including adult and new adult, and isn't afraid to venture into the dark side on occasion, as she proved with her dark, prison romance, Slammer.
She's an avid reader of all things smutty and the writer of sexy stories featuring redeemable alpha bad boys and sweet, strong women.
Her other loves include her children, her loving, supportive husband, anything historical, and wind chimes.
When she isn't writing, she's texting book ideas to herself.
Tabatha is represented by Jane Dystel of Dystel & Goderich Literary Management.

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NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLING AUTHOR

TABATHA VARGO

On the Plus Side

Copyright © 2013 by Tabatha Vargo

All Rights Reserved. Printed in the United States of America.

No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events or real people are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

On the Plus Side/ Tabatha Vargo

Cover Art by Regina Wamba/Mae I Design and Photography

Editing Services Provided By Cynthia Shepp Editing

Formatting by Inkstain Interior Book Designing

ISBN-13: 978-1481870917

ISBN-10: 1481870912

“But, Dev, he hit me first… kind of,” Jenny said as she handed me a socket wrench. I was under the car, of course. Under the hood of a vehicle was my second home.

“It’s not my fault he didn’t protect his balls. You always protect your balls. Even I know that, and I’m a chick.” She bit her nails as she talked. I could tell by her muffled voice.

“That’s debatable. Me and Dad aren’t so sure anymore.” I chuckled as she kicked my booted foot, which stuck out from under the car. “Also, could you please not talk about balls with me? I’m pretty sure there’s like a rule about little sisters saying the word balls anywhere in the vicinity of their brother. If there isn’t, let’s just go ahead and put that rule on the books.” I released the old oil from the engine.

It splattered up from the oil pan and landed on my grease-covered shirt. I pulled the rag from my back pocket and wiped my hands so that I could get a better grip on the ratchet.

“I’m assuming the new rule applies to the word cock, too?” She laughed.

“Yes!” I said, a little too loudly. “That word is strictly forbidden.”

“Don’t be a little bitch, Dev,” she said as she slipped a new oil filter under the car to me.

“Watch your damn mouth, Jenny. Could you at least attempt to be a lady? Ladies don’t kick boys in their balls because they win a game of Halo. I’d be pissed if I were him, too. You need to call him and apologize. Josh has been your best friend too long—don’t let a stupid game ruin that.”

“First of all, he did not win and second, I was raised by two dudes. I’m pretty sure the lady train left the station when I was nine.” She popped open a can of soda and sighed. “Whatever, I guess I’ll run him over some gummy worms later and say sorry. He’s such a baby. It’s just balls. He smacked me in the boob once, and you didn’t hear me bitchin’ and moanin’,” she said as she left the garage and headed toward the back door of the house.

“You said balls again!” I yelled from under the car.

I couldn’t hear her response over the loud smack of the screened door.

I finished up the oil change, and then worked on a dent I acquired at the grocery store. Poor Lucy, my sixty-nine Chevy Camaro, didn’t stand a chance against the wayward grocery cart.

She was a gift from my dad. When I got her, she was just a big heap of junk, wouldn’t even crank. My dad wasn’t one for gifts, but being a mechanic had its perks every now and then. When a customer couldn’t pay for the new transmission my dad dropped in his truck, a trade for the cash was offered and I got Lucy. To me, she was worth every minute we put into that man’s piece-of-shit truck. Dad might not agree with me on that, but what can I say, I got the better part of that deal.

Lucy was the epitome of beauty. You couldn’t buy the kind of character that an old muscle car had these days, and Lucy had it in spades. I’d rather be out there, secluded in the garage with her, than any other place in the world. I’d spent hours overhauling my car, and I’d spend every dime on the project, if I had a dime.

At my age, I should have had a steady woman in my life, but cars were better than women were. They were gorgeous, powerful, and they purred when you handled them. They did all that without the mandatory attachment that women required.

“Devin! Are you gonna stay in that garage under that car all day? I need ya to come in for a minute, boy!” Dad yelled from the back door of the house.

“I’m comin’!” I hollered back. “Is this man ever gonna give me a break?” I sighed to myself.

It wouldn’t be so bad if I actually made some money working in the shop with Dad. Since I made such a crappy paycheck, the least he could do was give me five minutes to dwell on my less-than-stellar life. Instead, he pushed me harder and harder every day. You’d think he’d appreciate the fact that I haven’t run off and left him high and dry, but oh no… not Harold Michaels, aka, the town drunk.

If my dad could fix a car as fast as he could take out a six-pack of beer, I swear we’d be rich. Even drunk as a skunk, the man knew his way around an engine. That fact kept the people in our small town from caring that he did business with Budweiser on his breath. One of the plus sides of living in a town full of truck owners was the fact that once the good ole boys found a decent mechanic, they stuck with him. Who cared that he couldn’t stand up straight or speak without a slur as long as the job got done, right?

That was the biggest reason our small father-and-son shop stayed afloat. The other reason, of course, was because I was a whiz at the books. Last year alone, I saved Dad three grand in taxes. I should’ve stayed in school, and then maybe I could’ve gone somewhere else in this world.

Instead, here I was, twenty-two years old, stuck with Renee, a wannabe girlfriend, who drove me nuts, and a father who was a slave driver. Let’s not forget my fifteen-year-old sister, Jenny, who should’ve been born a boy. I guessed things could’ve been worse; I could have been all alone in this big bad world.

I pulled myself out from under Lucy and stood there for a minute before running out of the garage and across the yard to the house.

The screened door snapped back, making a loud slamming noise when I walked in. Dad was sitting at the kitchen table, sorting through a massive stack of bills. He shook his head in disgust. For as much business as we made at our little shop, it never seemed to be enough. We barely kept our heads above water.

The last couple of months had been the worst we’d had in a long while though. A new mechanic shop just opened on the outskirts of town. Even though I knew all the customers would come back once the new place got old, I couldn’t help but worry about us until then.

It happened in our line of business. Some new shop with bright paint and fresh tools would pop up and stay open just long enough to make us financially uncomfortable. Another advantage of living in a small town… people didn’t like change. They always came back to what they knew, and the people in Walterboro knew my dad.

“What’s up, Pops?” I said as I tapped the top on a cold Mountain Dew.

“Son, we got ourselves a bit of a problem. It seems we’re a little behind on some loans. We gotta come up with some cash, fast.”

“Okay. Which loans are we talking about and how much?” I pinched my lips together like a disappointed mom.

I knew exactly which loans we were talking about, or maybe I should have said which loan. The one we were talking about was the loan on the house and the garage. Back before I started taking care of the books for Dad, he’d gotten so deep in debt with the IRS that he actually had to take a loan out on anything he had of value. From the look on his face, I could tell the amount was going to chap my ass.

“What’s the damage and what can we do?” I asked impatiently.

“Well, it’s along the lines of eight grand, and there’s nothin’ comin’ to mind. You got any ideas?”

Eight thousand dollars! I switched out my Mountain Dew for a beer.

“How long do we have?” I sighed.

“The final notice says ninety days. I don’t see how we can come up with eight grand by then. I just hope somethin’ comes up.”

It pissed me off that he kept saying “me” and “us” like I had something to do with it. He was the one who let it get this bad. He was the one that needed to go back to school and learn basic math, not me!

I stared back at Dad for a minute and let the last few sentences he uttered fill my brain and make sense.

“Dad, I’m gonna take a drive and try to figure some stuff out. You want me to grab you anything while I’m out?”

“No, don’t be gone long, though — Morgan’s bringin’ over that Ford that’s been tickin’. I want you to look it over for me,” I heard him say as I walked back out the door—the screened door snapped back and made an even louder banging noise.

All the work I put into this stupid shop trying to save it, and all the time I spared in the garage with him, were a waste. I could have had a real job somewhere far from here. I could have had my own place and taken care of myself. I had always been a hard worker, and I had always hated the fact that I was stuck here, going nowhere fast.

I had been working in Dad’s garage ever since I was twelve or so. I used to come home from school, eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and then head straight out back, where I’d spend the rest of my night under the hood of something. That was back when Mom was still around. She left when Jenny was six.

The year I turned thirteen was the hardest year of my life. Not only was I officially a teenager dealing with all the new hormones and growth spurts, but also my mom left me like I was nothing. You’d think she would have at least stuck around to see Jenny grow up. What kind of woman left a six-year-old girl behind with two males? Leaving me with Dad could almost be excused, but a young girl needed a mom to teach her girly stuff.

My mom was a beauty, and apparently, every man in town thought so. I could still remember the nights my mom and dad would argue. I always wondered why he would let her run around on him like she did. If I knew as a boy what was going on, then you know everyone in town knew. My dad must’ve looked like a dumbass.

There were some happy times when they were together, but most days, I’d sit back and watch as Dad tried everything to make her happy. The day she left, she didn’t even say goodbye to Jenny and me. I could hear Dad begging her to stay and telling her how much he loved her.

At one point during the conversation, he asked, “What about the kids? You just gonna walk out on the kids?”

I couldn’t hear her response, but apparently, we didn’t matter too much. She gave up on us, and you never got over the pain of losing a mother. It would’ve been easier if she had died. I wouldn’t hate her as much for leaving if it wasn’t by choice.

I haven’t been the same since she left, and I’ve always blamed her for my fear of attachment. Though I’d never talk about it, deep down, she was the reason I had trust issues. She was the reason I refused to bind myself to anyone. The fear of feeling the way I felt the day she left was unbearable. I would never put myself in the position to get hurt like my dad did. I’d never even had a serious girlfriend.

Jenny was the reason I stuck around here. I’d die before I walked out on her. She was the only reason I still worked at Dad’s shop—the reason I’d do almost anything to get this money and save our home.

“Shit!” I said as I pounded my hand on the steering wheel.

Eight thousand dollars! Where in the hell was I going to find that kind of money so fast? I could always rob a bank. Bank robbers always got caught, but maybe I could hide the money somewhere for Dad and Jenny to find, like in one of those awesome action movies.

After driving around aimlessly for an hour, I ended up in front of Renee’s house. I was in need of a good dose of stress relief.

I spotted her sitting on her front porch, gossiping on her cell phone. She ended the conversation and smiled as soon as she saw me.

She was a pretty girl—tall and lean, the way I like them. I wouldn’t call her beautiful, since most of the attractive things about her were fake—box-dyed blonde hair, false nails, and a rigid smile. It would suck to find out that her blue eyes were contacts.

Physically, she was not perfect for me, since I liked natural girls better, but emotionally, she was my exact match. She was aware of my limits, which made things comfortable — no expectations made for an easy ride.

Thanks to her reputation for being a freak in the sheets, some guys called me lucky to have her. I knew differently. Her self-centered nature made her active in bed, but as for being a freak… not so much. 

Slamming her slender body against mine, she wrapped her arms around my neck. I leaned down and pecked her on the mouth.

“Is that all I get? I swear, Devin, I don’t know why I bother with you.” Her deep southern twang stabbed into my eardrums. “I guess it’s too much to ask for a flirty phone call every now and again? I wish you would’ve called to let me know you were comin’ by. I have a nail appointment, and then Nicole’s coming over for a movie night. Oh! I almost forgot, I talked to Matt the other day… Did you know that Cassie’s brother went to Afghanistan?” She rambled on and on until finally, she realized I wasn’t talking and stopped. “Why are you staring at me like that?” she asked.

I imagined myself choking her to death and laughing hysterically like one of those crazy scary movie psycho freaks. I almost laughed out loud at the thought. My dad would kick my ass for just thinking a thing like that. I was raised to never put my hands on a female.

“You talk too much. Let’s go inside and do this,” I said flatly.

There was no need to bullshit her into thinking I was there for any other reason but to get laid.

She leaned in and kissed me, slipping her tongue into my mouth. Before long, we were in her small, two-bedroom house, falling over things, trying to make it to her bedroom. Mindy, her roommate, was nowhere in sight, thankfully.

Afterward, I sat back in her bed, surrounded by fluffy, pink pillows and lace. She was definitely the girly type, nothing like my little sister Jenny. I’d probably die if I saw anything pink in her room. Renee quietly slept with her legs wrapped around mine. I felt so much better. Sex was what I needed; sex was the main reason I keep her around. Shit, she used me, why the hell shouldn’t I use her? I looked over at the pink alarm clock on the side table. It was getting pretty late. I really needed to head home, and I seriously needed to find eight thousand dollars… fast.

With that final thought, I quickly and quietly got out of Renee’s bed. Slipping on my clothes, I slid through the house to the front door. The evening air rushed through my hair as I slammed the door behind me. The entire way home, my thoughts were on the money. There had to be a way; there was always a way.

Yesterday, at a charity benefit my mom pretended to be interested in, a miniature man on a massive stage was trying to get everyone to donate to a multitude of charities. I was usually the biggest donator, mainly because the people who run those things knew me so well—they preyed on my conscience and made me feel like a monster for having money. Once they pulled out the slideshows of starving children, I was done for. I left with at least a hundred grand missing from my bank account.

Anyway, this little man said something that made me really evaluate my world. He asked the group of multi-millionaires what they’d be willing to give up to make a difference in someone else’s life. It made me think of the things that I’d never give up. Money wasn’t really a problem, especially for me, but what in my life did I hold dear?

My list was pretty pathetic for a twenty-year-old woman. Really pathetic!

There were few things in my life that you’d have to pry from my cold, dead fingers before they were ever taken from me. The first thing was my Spanx. Which, in my opinion, were the best man-made contraptions ever, better than electricity or chocolate. The creators of those life-changing pieces of cloth should be put on a pedestal for all the chubby girls of the world to worship. Spanx, the body-shaping devices of the fatty-girl world… I bow down to you.

I didn’t know what they were made of, or who came up with the fantastical idea, but they were a godsend. If it weren’t for my Spanx, every fat roll I owned would spill forth like frothy, white volcano lava. It kept the back fat to a minimum, too. Everyone with extra poundage could appreciate that. There was just nothing like walking around feeling like you had an extra pair of double Ds strapped to your back.

The second thing I held dear was my paid for, but not really nice anymore, ninety-seven black Honda Accord. Yes, I had the money to purchase a new car. Yes, I probably should have purchased a new car, but my car had been with me through thick and thin. Well, not really the thin, more like the thick and thicker. Referring to anything in my life as thin was just wrong in so many ways.

Finally, the third thing that I couldn’t live without was ice cream. As far as I was concerned, ice cream could heal broken bones if applied directly to the skin. Think about it. If you considered how many broken hearts ice cream had mended, it wouldn’t really seem that outlandish. Not to mention, ice cream was full of calcium.

Calcium + bones = good!

I thought doctors everywhere should buy stock in ice cream products. It would save a ton of money in health care.

This kind of logic was what got me through a pint of cookies and cream without the guilt of knowing two more pounds were coming my way. Hey, whatever got you through your day, right?

Needless to say, the amount of suckage in my life was mind-blowing for a girl with more money than she could count. I should’ve been happy. I should’ve been lying on a warm beach somewhere while my newly liposuctioned body was being massaged by my sexy boyfriend, who had a really hot name like Damon. I wasn’t. Instead, I went to work. I sat behind a jewelry counter, working for money that I didn’t need, in an attempt to achieve some form of normalcy.

The space between my chin and the heel of my palm started to sweat as I stared out the store window at the people walking by. Okay, so today was going to be a bad day. Technically, since my day at work was almost over, it was already a bad day. Not to mention I had a coffee date with my mom that was rapidly approaching. Other than the fact that I’d have a reason to leave work early, I dreaded meeting my mom. Our little coffee dates rarely ended on a good note.

As much as I’d love to put off facing the dragon, it was time to go.

“Shannon! I’m gonna go ahead and leave, okay? I’ll keep my cell close in case you need me,” I yelled.

I seriously doubted that anything would happen in the next thirty minutes that would require my excellent management skills, especially considering we might have had one or two customers all day.

“Go ahead, honey. See you when I get home!” she called back.

“Remember, call my cell if you need anything and please don’t forget to lock the top lock. Mrs. Franklin will have a fit if you forget again,” I said as she came from the back of the store.

I watched as Shannon stumbled around with way too many tiny jewelry boxes piled in her arms. She tossed them on the front counter and smiled innocently. A stray lock of bright red hair attacked her eyes, and I laughed at the face she made as she blew it out of her vision.

“I got ya covered, Lil. Have fun with your mom,” she teased.

Rolling my eyes, I walked out of the store and made my way toward my car.

When I got my license, my mom tried to convince me to let her buy me an expensive sports car. I think she was more worried about my sixteen-year-old reputation than I was. As if a girl like me would ever be happy with a car that was too small. I had to deal with things that were “too small” my entire life—why the hell would I torture myself more? Did she seriously think I’d want to stuff myself into a skinny girl car every day? Um… no thanks! Feeling like a sardine was never my thing.

All skinny sports cars aside, things mean more when you buy them for yourself anyway. If I let my mom buy me everything she offered, then I wouldn’t have room in my life for anything else.

Thankfully, my mom moved past the point of trying to live my life. That was only after years of trying to make her understand that I was nothing like her.

I had always been the kind of person who liked to do things for myself. I wanted to work for anything that I acquired in my life. For instance, I loved my car, and not because it was the greatest car ever, but because I paid for it with my own money. Money I earned back before my life was changed forever, before Grandma died and left me millions. It was my car. My mom didn’t understand that. She had never worked a day in her life.

I had never hated her for that—she was just playing the cards she was dealt. My grandparents were always wealthy, so she never knew any different. I was raised with money, too, but my dad dumped tons of reality into my life before he ran off to California without me.

Simply put, the money was mine. The huge amount was dropped on me from my grandma’s will. I received it on my twentieth birthday, but I’d give it all back for just one more day with her.

She was a lot like my mom, meaning she loved to spend money. The difference was she wanted me to be happy with myself—she never made me feel like a disappointment. Her pride in me was evident, while my mom always looked down on me, made me feel like I was just one step below where I should be.

My mom always was a snob, though she’d never admit it. If you removed her impressive bitch mask, you’d see that she had a seriously diluted sense of self-worth. If she had an honest moment, she’d admit that having money made her feel superior to everyone else. I thought she got off on it.

I never felt the need to make my life less abnormal than it had always been by being flashy with cash that I never wanted to begin with.

Normalcy was in short supply for me. My permanent single status ruled the all-girls private school I grew up in, and I was dubbed Large Lilly, aka the Virgin Mary. Just call me the president of the twenty-year-old virgins’ club! The member list included a bunch of unattractive nuns and me.

When it finally happened for me, it would be real. I had no desire to be in the kind of relationship my parents were in before they divorced. They were miserable and hated each other. It was the perfect example of what not to be. I wanted love… the kind they wrote books about, but my fear of rejection refused to make it possible.

A special shout out to all the awesome high school girls who taunted me daily—thanks for the fabulous fat-girl complex.

There was a sense of comedy surrounding my situation. Technically, I could have anything I wanted. I could buy anything, but the one thing I couldn’t buy was the one thing I craved. It wasn’t like you could run through the closest drive-thru and grab a relationship.

One hot boy toy to go, please!

My inner ranting was cut short by the bell over the door to Mirabelle’s, my favorite little cafe. My mom was already seated as she sipped her vanilla espresso. I hated the fact that she chose to sit in a booth instead of a table. I’d pull my fingernails out before I admitted that the booths were too small for me.

Guess who got to play squeeze the fat girl into the tiny booth?

“How was work?” Mom asked.

My presence didn’t even warrant her to look up from her daily newspaper—the financial pages, no doubt.

“Good,” I said. “How was the spa?”

I held my breath as I sucked in my stomach and slid into the seat. The table dug into my mini-muffin top.

She ignored my spa question. “Your father called. He says it’s been nearly two weeks since he’s heard from you.”

“Yeah, I know. I need to call him. I’ve just have been so busy at work. We got a brand-new shipment in for the fall. Shannon and I have been killing ourselves trying to get it all set up. You should come by, Mom. We have tons of stuff I know you’d love.”

She looked up at me like I’d lost my mind. Her newspaper rattled to the table.

“Honey, no offense, but you know I don’t shop at those kinds of places. I wish you’d quit that awful job, or at least consider working somewhere more appropriate. Your grandfather’s probably turning in his grave at the thought of his angel working countless hours. You weren’t bred for that, Lilly.” She blew on her espresso, sending the scent of vanilla my way.

“I know, Mom, but I enjoy it there. Mrs. Franklin’s talking about making me area manager over all three stores. I hope I get the job.”

“If we’re being honest with each other, I hope you get fired from that pitiful place.” She sniffed.

A mocha latte was placed in front of me. Going to the same café almost every day had its benefits. They always knew what I wanted. I walked in, and they got it ready for me.

“Here you go, Lilly. Having a good day?” Joey smirked at me.

He was the only male worker at Mirabelle’s and a joker to boot.

“Oh yeah, today’s been a fabulous day. It’s getting better, too,” I said, sarcastically.

It was an inside joke between the people that work at the café and me. Since Mirabelle’s had always been my meeting place with Mom, they’d figured out how well our little meeting was going by how many lattes I ordered. One latte usually meant it was a pleasant conversation, quick and to the point. Two lattes meant things didn’t go so well. Three meant I was probably about three minutes away from pulling my hair out and hanging my mother by a makeshift napkin noose.

“Mom!” I said in a hushed tone after Joey left the table. “Why would you say that? You hope I get fired? I can’t believe you’d wish bad things on me like that. I have to have that job for sanity purposes. I’m so sorry that I refuse to live like you, but that’s no reason for you to say mean things to me.”

I rolled my eyes, nursing my latte and wishing I had told her I couldn’t get out of work.

Mom continued on and on about me not needing to work. I tuned her out. It was always about money with her. Normal families argued because the children constantly asked the parents for money. In my case, we argued because I refused to blow it.

There have been a few times when expensive name brand handbags and shoes would mysteriously show up at my door—brand names I couldn’t even pronounce. Normal people didn’t wear twelve-hundred-dollar shoes. Needless to say, Shannon had a pretty impressive closet.

As I continued to tune my mom out, I noticed a cute couple at a corner table. They were gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes. Their elbows were rested on the table for balance as they each leaned in to get closer to the other. It was adorable to watch as he smiled at her and softly rubbed her hand. Her cheeks were turning pink as he whispered sweet nothings to her from across the table.

I smiled secretly to myself at the love story that was unfolding in front of me. Their love for each other was evident. It was written in their smiles and seeped out of their eyes. I couldn’t look away. I hated myself for being a crazy, romance stalker, but the longing that crashed over me was paralyzing.

“Lilly! What’s gotten into you? Are you even listening to me?”

I snapped my attention back to my mom.

“Of course I’m listening. I have a lot on my mind right now.”

“Sweetie, you know you can talk to me about anything. Go ahead; exactly what’s bothering you?”

The couple in the corner caught my attention once more. “Mom, did you love Dad?”

She straightened her body as if reflecting the awkward question with her chest. “I loved your father very much. Unfortunately, my love wasn’t enough for both of us. Why do you ask such a strange question?”

“No reason,” I said. “Just curious what it felt like.”

She looked at me sadly as she proceeded to pat my hand in an attempt to be motherly.

“Okay, enough with this nonsense. Let’s do something fun. Let’s go shopping! We can buy whatever you want, anything that’ll make you happy. Just tell me what it is, and I’ll make sure you get it.”

Growing up, anytime some skinny girl at school would laugh at me, or we had a school dance that I never had a date to—Mom was always the first one to blow it off as no big deal. She’d buy something fun, and after a while, I’d get over it. It was her way. The only way she knew how to show affection was to buy things. Instead of the sweet words and motherly hugs, I got gifts.

“Money can’t buy everything, Mom,” I said, as I looked back to the cute couple now making out in their little corner.

Mom looked at them, too. She knew right away what I meant. “Are you lonely, sweetie? Because I’ll be the first to tell you that you do not need a man to make you happy. Trust me. I had one for twenty years, and I was miserable.” She laughed at her little joke.

I smiled at her, and then gave a forced laugh. “Just forget it, Mom. Let’s go shopping. I could use a few new shirts and a pair of shoes,” I said, hoping she would forget what she had just witnessed.

I hated shopping for clothes. Trying to find something decent to fit me was my idea of hell. I’d gladly go through hell if it meant my mom would forget the conversation we just had. The last thing I wanted was her trying any stupid matchmaking schemes with a bunch of idiot men who’d rather be celibate than touch me. Of course, it worked.

I listened as she went over all the stores she wanted to visit and the things she wanted to buy. I followed her out of the café, barely paying attention.

Today wasn’t my day. All the mushy love thoughts and the “no one wants me” whining was starting to get on my nerves. Aunt Flo was definitely knocking at my door, and she brought the bitch triplets P, M, and S with her.

I stood in the first store we went to and daydreamed of a hot bubble bath, candles, and Christina Perri on low volume. All this shopping for expensive crap that would never fit, when all I really wanted was a nice bath and a naughty threesome with Ben & Jerry’s. So much for that idea!

I hadn’t worn a tie since my grandfather’s funeral when I was fifteen. These bank officials damned well better appreciate that. I’d already spent most of the morning stuck in traffic all the way from Walterboro to downtown Charleston. It was usually a thirty-minute trip, if you took the interstate. Today, it took me damn near an hour and a half.

I sat in the lobby and silently prayed that these bank boys would give us a shot at an extension. I just needed some extra time… anything that would keep my little family in our home. Maybe they could give us two more months on top of the ninety days? What was two more months?

The devil on my shoulder stuffed negative thoughts into my brain. What if they refused? We’d have to start over fresh somehow. That was not really a scary thought for me, except for that fact that poor Dad wouldn’t know what to do with himself. The shop was all he had ever known.

The minutes felt like hours, and I found myself dazing in and out. Picking up a magazine, I flipped through it without even looking at the pages. I felt like I was being watched, so I looked around the room once more. I noticed a lady sitting across from me, an attractive lady actually. She was older, late forties maybe? Not really my type, but she was still kind of sexy in a cougar-dominatrix kind of way.

She was openly staring back at me. Doing nothing to hide the fact that she was checking me out, her eyes moved from my eyes down to my crotch. The way she stared at me didn’t match her look. Legs crossed all prim and proper like, she smiled seductively at me. I smiled back. Hey, if she wanted to play, I could play, too. Then her face dropped, and her smile was replaced with a sarcastically lifted brow and a pinched mouth.

Shaking my head, I looked away. I didn’t have time for an old tease.

Finally, after what felt like days, the lady behind the desk called me back. I stepped through the door of the bank manager’s office.

“Mr. Michaels, I presume?” the man behind the desk asked.

He stood and held out his hand; I shook it. My sweaty palm made a squishing noise when I squeezed it, giving away my nerves.

This had to work. It was our last resort.

“My name is Mr. Schaefer. What can I help you with?”

I took my seat and started to fidget a little. This was the most important thing I had ever done and getting refused just wasn’t an option at this point.

“Well, Mr. Schaefer, I won’t waste your valuable time, so I’m gonna get straight to the point. We owe this bank more money than we got, and we only have ninety days to come up with that money. I’m here to ask you for more time, an extra sixty days, maybe?” I said quickly.

He picked up a small stack of papers and tapped them against the desk as he organized them.

“Mr. Michaels, I’m going to be completely honest with you. I’ve taken a good look at your file, and there’s just nothing more we can do. I feel horrible about this, I really do, but if the balance isn’t paid in the next ninety days, we’re going to be forced to foreclose on all of your father’s properties, the business included. I’m deeply sorry. If there’s anything else I can help you with, you just let me know.”

“You’re tellin’ me there’s no other option?” I said loudly.

I knew the people in the waiting room could hear me, but I didn’t care. This was my life he was messing with. This was Jenny’s life. Our home and our work, the way we survived.

“Mr. Schaefer, I appreciate the fact that this is your job and everything, but you gotta find another way!” I yelled. “There’s no way that we can come up with that kind of money that fast, and I’ll be damned if you or any of these stuck-up little bastards you got working here are gonna take our home.”

“Mr. Michaels, I think it’d be best if you left before I have to call security.”

“Then I guess you better call security because I’m not leaving until we come to some kind of agreement.”

“I understand that you and your daddy are having money issues, but it’s not really mine or the bank’s problem. If we handed out free money or more time to every poor person that walked through the door, we’d go out of business, too. Maybe your father should think about the way he runs things,” he snapped.

Before I knew it, I was standing over Mr. Schaefer with a sore fist and his blood on my knuckles. That bastard better be glad I didn’t keep going. He had the audacity to talk down about my dad and me… in my face, no less. His high-horsed ass needed a big reality check, and I was glad I was the one to give it to him.

Security arrived just as I was backing away toward the door, and I knew I was going to jail.

I came here to try and fix things, but because I couldn’t control my damn temper, Dad was going to have to dip into our measly savings to get me out of jail. I really screwed up this time.

Four hours later, I laid on the little bunk that the jail provided and ran different ideas through my head. I decided against calling Dad to bail me out. I could spend a night in jail. I knew they’d let me out in the morning and to be honest, I’d rather my dad worry about me for the night than use money we needed to bail my stupid ass out. It was worth being behind these bars. That bastard got what he deserved.

The cell door opened, and a police officer stepped into the tiny space. “OK, Michaels, time to go,” he said.

“What do you mean? I just got here.”

“Your bail’s paid. You’re free to go.”

I followed the officer out of the cell and down the hall to the front desk of the police station. Collecting all my stuff, my empty wallet included, I turned to face my dad.

He was nowhere to be found. I did one more quick check around the police station, trying to find him. He definitely wasn’t there.

Maybe he went to wait in the truck?

I walked out and checked the parking lot. Dad’s truck was nowhere in sight, which meant that he was so pissed off that he left me there.

I was about to start walking toward home when I noticed the cougar lady from the bank lobby standing across the parking lot. She was perched against a long, black limo as she motioned for me to come to her with a finger. 

Today had officially become the most fucked-up day ever, and it didn’t look like it was going to get any better. First, I get eye raped by an old broad in the bank. Then, I beat the hell out of the bank manager, which got me a swollen hand and jail time. Finally, I get mysteriously bailed out only to find the female eye rapist waiting on me outside the police station.

I made my way over to the limo.

“It’s about time. I was beginning to think they took my money and left you there,” she said in a husky voice.

“You bailed me out?” I asked, confused.

“Well, how else was I going to talk to you?”

“I’m sorry… do I know you?” I continued to question.

“Don’t be ridiculous. Ordinarily, I’d never be caught dead socializing with someone like you.”

Fire cut across my chest as my anger started to spike. “Then what the hell are you doing socializing with someone like me?” I asked in a mocking tone.

One more stuck-up bastard in my face tonight and I was going to snap.

“Let’s cut the small talk. I heard you pitching a fit at the bank today. You need money, and I have plenty, so let’s talk business,” she said.

“Look, lady, I don’t know how y’all do things in your world, but in mine, selling yourself will get you at least thirty days. Being that I just stepped out of the jailhouse, I’d prefer…”

She cut me off with a burst of laughter. “I know you don’t think I’m suggesting I pay you for sex, do you?” She laughed out loud one more time. “Don’t get me wrong, kid, you’re nice to look at, but I’m into men, not boys.”

“Then what the hell do you want?” I asked rudely.

“I have a business proposition for you.” She pulled open the limo door and climbed in. “Care to join me?” she asked.

“I already said I’m not a…”

“Don’t flatter yourself!” She cut me off again. “Trust me… I’m far too much woman for a boy like you. Now, are you getting in the damn limo or not?” she growled.

I stood there, debating what to do. Finally, I stepped toward the limo and jumped in, shutting the door behind me.

“Where to?” she asked

“Walterboro… off Clements Road.”

“My God, you are a country bumpkin,” she huffed.

I sat there while she called orders to the driver and then pushed a little button, causing a barrier to rise between him and us.

“Now, let’s get back to business,” she said. “I need you to do something for me, and since you need money so badly, I’m prepared to pay you nicely, as long as you don’t screw it up.”

“Is this something illegal? Because I’m no criminal.”

“No, it’s not illegal.”

“Okay, shoot me with it.”

She grinned and then slid farther back into her seat. “I’d like to pay you to date my daughter.” She smirked as she poured a brown liquid out of a crystal container into a crystal glass. It smelled like liquor, which was fitting since I was almost positive this bitch was drunk.

“You wanna pay me to do what?”

“You heard me.”

“You’re joking, right?” I snorted.

“No, this is no joking matter, and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t treat it like one. I’m offering you a serious business proposition,” she said aggressively.

I sobered and got rid of my smile. If this lady was serious, I was going to be serious, too. This could very well be the break my dad and I were hoping for. Still, being paid to date someone didn’t sit well with me. The girl must be some kind of God-awful creature if her mom had to pay a dude to date her.

“What’s wrong with her?” I asked.

“Excuse me?”

“No offense, but if you gotta pay someone to date your daughter, there’s gotta be something wrong with her.”

“There’s nothing wrong with my daughter. There’s something wrong with all the boys who can’t see how wonderful she is.”

“So, she’s ugly?”

“Absolutely not!” she snapped. “She has a small weight problem, but she’s beautiful, and that’s exactly how you will treat her. Take her out, show her a fabulous time, and make her feel like she’s the most gorgeous creature you’ve ever seen.”

“Basically, you want me to blow smoke up her ass?”

“Stay away from her ass, but yes… whatever you have to do.”

“Exactly what do I get out of this and how long do I have to do it?” I asked.

“In return for you dating my daughter, I’ll pay your unpaid balance to the bank. If I heard correctly, you have ninety days. When the ninety days are up and as long as my daughter’s happy and you’ve done your job correctly… I’ll pay it.”

“You can’t be serious.” I choked. “You’re gonna pay me eight thousand dollars to date your kid? How old is she anyway? She not like some high school kid, is she?” I asked.

“Is that all you owe? Sounds perfect. Yes, I’ll definitely pay you eight thousand dollars, and no, my daughter’s not a high school student. She’ll be twenty-one next month; you’re kind of an early birthday present.”

This couldn’t have happened at a better time. Actually, it was kind of freaky how convenient it was, but at this point, I’d be willing to do almost anything. I couldn’t refuse if I wanted to. It wasn’t likely that another opportunity like this would fall into my lap.

Eight grand was pocket change for this woman.

“Make it fifteen thousand, and we got a deal,” I said.

If I was doing this, I might as well get something out of it, too. Lucy was going to look good with her new paint job.

The car wasn’t moving anymore, and the silence in the small space was suffocating as she thought it over. I still couldn’t believe this was happening. It was wrong to lead some poor, fat girl around, making her think that I wanted her, but I knew I could pull it off. We needed this money—I could do this for Jenny.

“Fine,” she gave in. “I’ll pay you three grand to start. We’ll call it a courtesy payment. There are a few rules, though. You screw this up, and you will not get the other twelve grand in ninety days. Plus, I’ll personally make your life a living hell. I’ll make it my mission to make sure that you and your loved ones lose everything… and Mr. Michaels, I’m filthy rich. Don’t think for one minute that I can’t ruin you.”

“What are the rules?” I snapped. I wasn’t too happy with being verbally threatened.

“First of all, don’t put your filthy hands on my daughter. I understand that you’re probably going to kiss her. You’ll be dating her for at least three months, and I know that kids do that sort of thing in that time. You’re not allowed to do anything more than that. The last thing I want is my daughter getting touched by some countrified chop shop boy.” She huffed. “Do you understand?”

“Well, golly jeez, Miss, I think I reckon I understand what you’re sayin!” I said sarcastically with my deepest fake southern drawl.

Kissing? Hah! It wouldn’t even go that far. I could make this girl feel like a princess without touching her. Playing women was kind of my niche.

“How can I find her?” I asked.

“She works. As much as I hate it, she’s the manager at Franklin’s Jewelry store downtown on Meeting Street. You can find her there. Also, she spends a lot of free time with friends at a little café called Mirabelle’s. Are you familiar with these places?” she asked.

“Yeah,” I said, opening the limo door to get out.

“And, Mr. Michaels… my daughter better not ever find out about this agreement, do you understand?

“Yeah, I got it!” I snapped.

“Good. I’m glad we understand each other. Her name’s Lilly, and you better not screw this up. I’ll be in touch, and you’ll get your first installment when I’m sure that you’ve started the job, so I suggest you get to it.” She straightened her top.

“I gotcha covered,” I said as I climbed out of the big, black limo that was now parked in front of my house.

It was a little creepy that she knew where I lived without me telling her. It was like she had done her homework and dug up information on me. This lady was clever, and clever ladies were dangerous. I’d be watching my back around this one.

“See you soon, kid,” she said as I slammed the door in her face.

I watched the limo drive off. The whole scheme was crazy, but I had to do what needed to be done. One thing was for sure: Dad would never approve, which meant he and Jenny could never know. I needed to think long and hard about where I’d tell him I got the money from, but that would come later. One thing at a time, and right now, I had a chubby chick to enchant. Doing hurtful things to strangers wasn’t my thing, but desperate situations called for extreme measures.

I now had three things that I had to do first thing in the morning. One, I had to make Renee think that I’d be out of town for a while. I’d just make up an uncle in Georgia or something. There was no way she’d keep her trap shut long enough for me to finish the job if she thought another girl was getting something she wasn’t. Of course, there was money involved, so maybe I could just buy her something and shut her up.

Second, I had to clean myself up a bit. If I was going to win some girl over, I really needed a good shave and a haircut. Third, I had to put on my charming face. I had to get rid of “asshole Devin” and bring out the nice boy that I knew I could be.

It could be fun. I’d get to go out a little on someone else’s money with a girl that I’d never have to see again in three months. It really wasn’t a bad deal.

I stripped down to my boxers and jumped into my bed. Before I could do anything, I needed some sleep. Within minutes, I passed out and slept better than I had in the last two weeks.

After finally convincing Renee that I was going to visit family for a while, I made my way toward Charleston. Driving with the windows down, I let the cool wind cut across my face. I could use as much fresh air as humanly possible. The radio was off as I contemplated how to go about pursuing this girl. As crazy as it sounded, I’d never really had to pursue a female before.

The rumble of Lucy’s engine soothed me. I had to stay focused. I’d be fine as long as I remembered that this wasn’t just for Dad and me. I was doing this for Jenny, for our home, and for our business. No matter what, I couldn’t allow my conscience to get the best of me. This was a cut-and-dry job, and all I had to do was not get involved. Being emotionally disconnected was easy for me, so this job should be a piece of cake. 

I got to Franklin’s Jewelry store, and it took me three tries at parallel parking before I got it right. Digging out some change for the parking meter, I sat and gave myself a “hell yeah” pep talk. I was sure I looked like a creeper just sitting in my car, but I wanted to plan. I just needed to go in, buy something, and get a good look at her so I’d know what I was dealing with. I should’ve asked to see a picture so I’d at least know who she was. Hopefully, she was the only fat girl working there.

After putting two dollars in the parking meter, I walked to the store. The entire time I prayed that everyone inside wore name tags.

It’d be more believable if I approached her at the little café, so right now called for just a little harmless flirting as I browsed the jewelry. Getting her to notice me was my number-one goal.

The little bell over the door rang out as I walked into the empty store. The only reason I knew the place was even open was because of the big, bright open sign in the front window.

I walked to one of the jewelry counters and started to look at all the expensive rings in the case. Making my way down to the earrings, I decided they were more in my price range. In all reality, I didn’t have a price range, but I figured this was worth digging out of the savings for the loan payment. Besides, if this worked, I’d have all the money we needed plus more.

“Anything, in particular, you’re looking for?” a female voice called from in front of me.

I looked up at the girl on the other side of the counter. She was short and chunky. Long, dark hair cascaded over her shoulders and down her back, while a thick set of bangs swooped over her right eye. Her cute, round face boasted clear skin and a juicy set of pouty lips.

Stylishly dressed in a low-cut top, I was able to see the rise of her soft cleavage from my height. One of the perks of being a big girl had to be an amazing rack because she sure as hell had a nice set of tits on her.

She reached up and pushed her bangs from her face. The movement pushed a wave of feminine scent straight at me. She smelled amazing, like vanilla and cherries. It was really nice, not too overbearing like the horrible perfumes Renee liked to smother herself in.

I took a better look at her as she pushed her hair out of her face and smiled. She had the biggest brown eyes, deep-set bedroom eyes with a sexy tilt that hid the secrets of a sensual woman. Honestly, she was kind of pretty, in a chunky, cute girl kind of way, if you were into that.

While I checked out her tits, her name tag popped out at me. She was Lilly, my financial savior.

“Actually, I’m kind of lost when it comes to jewelry,” I said as I nibbled my bottom lip. I was happy to see her eyes dip to my mouth. “I’m not really sure what she likes.” I shot her my, “I want you” smile and let my eyes noticeably wander over her face.

I relished in the deep blush that invaded her cheeks since it signified that I was doing my job well. I was just getting started, and she was already blushing. This was going to be a walk in the park.

“What kind of girl is she? What do you think she’d like?” She nervously bit the inside of her mouth.

“I don’t really know. What do you like?” I leaned my elbows against the counter to be eye level with her.

“I like lots of things.” She quietly giggled as she started to fidget. It was charming. “But she may not like what I like.”

“Ah, come on. Play along with me. If you could have anything in here, what would it be?” I asked.

I kept hoping she’d show me something that wasn’t too expensive. This chick was rich, and I didn’t want her thinking I was a poor guy when I couldn’t afford what she picked out.

“You’re serious? You want me to pick out jewelry for someone I don’t know?” She flashed me a weird, confused look.

“No, I want you to pick out jewelry that you like. I’m positive that if you like it, then she probably will, too. Humor me, please.” I tilted my head and gave her my puppy dog eyes.

Her face turned pink again, and I felt a rush of primal satisfaction. I’d affected woman before, but for some strange reason, seeing her reaction gave me a rush.

“Okay, well—um—I’m more of a necklace girl,” she said as she walked down to another case.

“I’m not really into expensive jewelry,” she continued, “so, that knocks out everything on this side of the case.”

A rich girl who didn’t like expensive jewelry? Fascinating.

I listened as she continued picking out the perfect necklace for herself.

“I prefer silver over gold, so that knocks out half of the necklaces on this side of the case.”

Her fingers moved softly over the different necklaces and for a brief moment, I wondered what those hands would feel like against my skin. She had cute fingers… nice nails, too. I appreciated that her medium-length, baby pink nails were her own. I hated those God-awful acrylic nails that most girls wore. Short was fine, but some girls went overboard with the length. My boys and I would laugh as we wondered how girls wiped their asses with nails that long.

She swung her hair around once more and again, the light scent of vanilla and cherries rushed me.

“What kind of perfume are you wearing?” I blurted out without thinking.

“Um… I’m not wearing any perfume. Why? Does something stink?” Her perfect brow pulled down in question.

“Actually, something smells really good, and since I didn’t smell it until you came around, I just assumed it was you. You smell sweet… I like it,” I said as I threw out another flirty smile.

Her face lit up darker than before, and I swam in my playboy ego for a bit. She didn’t stand a chance… poor girl. Her breathing picked up and her large chest pressed against her low top with every breath. It’d been a while since I held a good handful that weren’t bags of silicone, and Lilly was definitely more than a real handful. My mouth watered with the thought of tasting vanilla and cherries. Oh, she’d been a sweet snack if I were allowed to taste.

Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all. She was untouchable to me, but I was in need of a good tease.

Brown eyes flickered away from me as she put her head down. Her deep breaths cut through our silence until she finally snapped her head up and held out a necklace.

“What about this? Do you think she’d like this?” she asked.

She wasn’t making any eye contact at all.

After being with so many aggressive women like Renee, her shyness was kind of a turn on. I liked how sexy she made me feel without even realizing it. I made her uncomfortable in a good way, and she couldn’t even look me in the face without blushing. It was a boost to my manly pride since her reactions were genuine, and not like the usual overly dramatic reactions of a slutty girl trying to get laid. I liked her response to me, and I liked how she made me feel. A soft growl of appreciation slipped from my throat, and it earned me a brief flicker of chocolate eyes. I fought the tilt of my mouth.

The necklace she held up was nice. It was a sterling silver rope chain with a silver, heart-shaped locket. It was only a hundred and fifty bucks so I could afford it, and she liked it so I’d buy it.

“I think she would,” I said. “What do I put in it?”

“Anything you want really. You could put a picture of the two of you in it or maybe have something engraved on the inside. That’s completely up to you.”

“Okay, I’ll take it.”

I followed her up to the cash register and watched as she neatly put the necklace in a little, red box. She did everything so softly; she wasn’t in any rush. Her plump fingers brushed gently across the necklace and then lightly over the box. I watched as she rang it up, touching the cash register again with what seemed like the softest touch. I found myself wondering how soft her hands felt. Her touch was relaxing, and it blasted me with a quick rush of chills.

I looked up at her when she gave me the total, again noticing how deep her eyes were. “You have really beautiful eyes,” I blurted out.

That wasn’t a part of my strategy. It was a stupid moment of unwelcomed honesty. I’d be sure that didn’t happen again.

The tips of her cheeks warmed. “Are you flirting with me?” Genuine confusion laced her expression.

I didn’t have to be a mind reader to know she was thinking of how unlikely it was for a man like me to be flirting with a girl like her. That or she really had no idea what flirting looked like and really wanted to know for reference purposes.

“Maybe.” I smirked and shrugged my shoulders.

Her eyes filled with panic, and the part of me I never used with strangers lit up with sorrow for her. She really had no idea how to respond to me and my tiny advances.

“Um… thank you, I guess. For… for the eye comment,” she stuttered.

“Don’t thank me… it’s the truth.” I held out the money to her.

She finished the transaction and then put my receipt in the black bag containing the necklace. I stood there a minute, smiling at her and enjoying how nervous I made her, before I thanked her and left the store.

Part one of my mission was complete.

I ended up sitting in the café her mother told me about and drinking way too much cappuccino. I paid close attention to all the people coming in. I heard every order they made… a double shot of this and an extra pump of that. I’d never sleep again if I drank something like that. Shit, I was probably not going to sleep tonight after all this cappuccino.

“Come on already, Lilly,” I whispered into the lid of my coffee cup.

I was about five minutes away from giving up for the day and trying again tomorrow when I noticed her through the window. She walked in and breezed right by me. I was happy she didn’t notice me right away. I pretended to focus on the car magazine I had in my hand as I listened closely to her order.

“Hey, Joey, just the usual,” she said.

“Hey, girl! How’s it going? No mom meeting today?” He laughed.

“That’s not funny, punk.” She giggled. “No, there’s no meeting today. I’m on my lunch break. Go ahead and throw in a turkey sandwich with that.”

She sat at a little table in the corner across the café from me. I watched as she pulled out a little book and started to write something. This was it; this was the perfect time to go and join her. I stood up and grabbed my cappuccino. Slowly, I walked over to her table. She was so involved in what she was writing that she didn’t even hear me approach.

“If it isn’t the brown-eyed beauty from the jewelry store,” I said.

She looked up at me, and her full lips spread into a tiny smile. “If it isn’t the guy who knows nothing about his girlfriend,” she said as she set her pen down.

“Girlfriend? Who says that locket was for my girlfriend? Maybe it’s for my mom or my sister or…”

“Are you seriously gonna play the no girlfriend game with me?” She lifted a cocky brow.

“I’m sorry… I’m not sure I’m familiar with that game.”

“I seriously doubt you’re single,” she said.

“And why is that?” I slipped into the chair next to her and rested my chin against my fist. This was getting pretty interesting. She was going to attempt to psychoanalyze me. Good luck, sweet girl.

“Guys like you are never single.”

“Guys like me?” I laughed. “And exactly what kind of guy am I?”

“You want me to be honest, or you want me to sugarcoat it?”

“I’ve always been a fan of honesty.” I bit my bottom lip and smiled inside when her eyes followed my action. She was thinking of what it would be like to kiss me… good. I wanted her to think things like that.

“You’re that guy—tall, dark, handsome, and totally untouchable. You’re mysterious, which drives the girls wild, and all that confidence you have wrapped around yourself is a turn on, too. You’re a challenge, and it’s like encoded in human DNA to go after a challenge. I’m willing to bet you have a hundred different walls up to keep people out, which of course makes the girls even crazier. They all want to be the first one to know the real you, and I bet you love your car… which is probably some really great classic Mustang that you’ve named Bertha or some other horrible old lady name.” She paused.

Finally, she looked me in the eye, and I felt her deep gaze inside my boxers. Holy shit! She was turning me on.

“Am I warm?” she asked with a questioning tilt to her head.

I sat there, sifting through everything she had said. She was so close to the truth that it freaked me out.

“You’re hot.” I gave her a direct gaze as I let the different meanings behind my words sink in. “Have you been watching me, naughty girl?” I attempted to shake the seriousness away.

“Are you saying that I was right?” She smiled.

She was so right it wasn’t even funny anymore.

“No, I’m just curious where all that came from.”

“I just described every man that would have nothing to do with me, so now my question to you is… why are you talking to me?” She lifted one eyebrow as if accusing me of something.

This girl was very strange. Obviously, she had self-esteem issues, but at the same time, she was the most confident, outspoken woman I’d ever met… other than my sister, Jenny.

Her honest eyes flipped my insides, and I felt a tiny bit of panic run up my spine. I was slowly losing control of the conversation, which was completely unacceptable. I internally shook myself and went in for the kill.

“You think I’m handsome?” I flirted.

“Don’t change the subject.” She blushed.

“No, I think it’s you who’s changing the subject. Then it’s settled!” I said as I playfully smacked the tabletop.

“What’s settled?”

“As long as you’re not seeing anyone and since you obviously think I’m handsome… I’m taking you out.”

“What do you mean out? Like a date, out?”

“Yes, like a date out. What do ya say?” I shrugged.

I was praying that I made some kind of impression on this girl, at least enough to get her to agree to go on a date with me. Everything was riding on this girl and making her happy for three months.

GET YOUR COPY OF ON THE PLUS SIDE TODAY!

 NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLING AUTHOR

TABATHA VARGO

PROLOGUE

SHANNON DANIELS

“NINE-ONE-ONE. WHAT’S YOUR EMERGENCY?” the operator asked.

She sounded broken, static creeping into the line as my cell struggled to catch the signal from the center of the cornfield where I’d been dumped.

“I ...” My voice cracked.

I swallowed the flames that lit my raw throat with the single world.

I hadn’t spoken. Not since the screaming stopped. Not since the tiny pieces of my existence came crashing down around me, little orange cinders burning me and leaving me mentally scarred. 

“I need help,” I muttered, pushing my voice over the burn.

Humiliation rolled through me as memories of the night settled onto me like thick fog. Suffocating me, it sucked the oxygen out of the atmosphere, leaving nothing behind.

I’d all but asked for it—practically begged for just one date with him. My entire high school experience had been about him.

Passing him in the halls.

Seeing him in gym class.

Anything I could do or say in hopes of catching his eye, I did. Joining clubs I wanted nothing to do with because I’d heard he’d joined them. Going to football games to watch him play when I abhorred anything sports related and had no idea what was happening.

When he asked me to go to prom after four years of dreaming of him, I agreed without a second thought. Little did I know my night would end with me sitting in a cornfield covered in dirt with wet grass clinging to the ripped shreds of my expensive green dress.

My fingers moved over the glittering sequins barely hanging on to the smooth taffeta before catching on the broken pieces of my acrylic fingernails. A wilting white carnation hung limply from my wrist as the tiny sprays of baby’s breath trickled onto the fresh growth beneath me.

I’d felt beautiful for the first time in my entire life. My grammy had taken me to a salon earlier in the day to have my scarlet hair curled and styled. Now, those curls tumbled loosely from the pins that had once held them back and freshly cut grass clung to the dangling strands.

Why else would I have asked you out?

He asked when I questioned his intentions in the back of his car.

Why else indeed?

What had I been thinking?

For four years, he barely acknowledged me. It wasn’t until he found out I was willing to do anything to get his attention that he finally showed me some. At least that was how my friend had worded it, thinking she was doing me a favor.

Shannon would do anything to date you.

That was what he wanted from me.

Anything.

Unfortunately for him, I wasn’t as willing to do anything as he’d thought. And unfortunately for me, with a bit of party punch in his system, he no longer cared if I was willing or not.

“Ma’am?” the operator questioned.

She’d been talking to me, asking me questions, but I was no longer speaking.

I couldn’t because the embarrassment was becoming tangible, pulling the air from my lungs as realization set in. I’d done this to myself. It was my fault. I’d asked for it. Every time I put myself in his path with hopes of his attention, I’d begged for it.

What would everyone say?

How would it look when everyone at school found out?

And they would.

The minute I said the words into my phone—the minute I asked for help—everyone would know, and they would laugh. They would say I wanted it, and maybe for a few seconds I had, but my mind had changed quickly.

I should have been all for it. Me, the chunky redhead who clung to his every word, and him, the jock who instigated drool from the female race as a whole, but the second he became rough and insistent, I knew I didn’t want it.

Not even a little bit.

Closing my eyes, all I could see in my mind was the tiny crescent-shaped birthmark on his right forearm. I remembered locking my eyes on it when he used his right hand to hold my arms down above my head. After I gave up the fight, the birthmark had bounced in my vision, and I focused on it so I didn’t have to think about what was happening to me.

I couldn’t tell the operator the sick and twisted things he’d done to me.

I couldn’t go through with it.

Already, I’d been disgraced. Once the rumors moved through school like a salty wave of gossip, the humiliation would only get worse. He would tell them I wanted it, and they would believe him.

Why wouldn’t they believe him?

It made sense.

Every other girl in school wanted him.

Why wouldn’t I?

Gripping my cell tightly, I pulled it away from my ear. The screen lit up, igniting the area around me with my reality.

“Ma’am, are you there?” the operator’s voice echoed into the night.

If I told, everyone would know. And if everyone knew, I could never live it down. If everyone knew, I could never forget. It would follow me around for the rest of my life, hovering over me like gray clouds of sadness and despair.

Graduation was a little over a month away, which meant I could walk away in a few weeks and never look back. I could put it all behind me and focus on my future without the stain of prom night all over my flesh.

My thumb moved across the screen, and I pressed it against the red button to end the call. Help wasn’t what I needed or wanted. To forget was what I needed. To pretend was what I wanted to do.

My knees popped when I stood, and bits of grass and little green sequins rained onto the ground around me. My ankle screamed in discomfort when I limped toward the dirt road that bordered the field.

I wanted to go home.

And I never wanted to think about prom night ever again.

I didn’t care if I spent the rest of my life alone. I didn’t care if it was just me and my grammy for the rest of my forever. I’d stay away from men because they were evil and only wanted one thing. It didn’t matter if you were willing to give them that one thing or not. Men took what they wanted.

Period.

And as I limped home, I made a promise never to put myself in the position to be taken ever again.

ONE

SHANNON

THREE YEARS LATER

THE SOUND OF THE CLOCK TICKING in the back office sounded like a hammer against a stone. It echoed through the space around us, beating in perfect rhythm with the time, which didn’t seem to be moving. The boredom was so palpable I could reach out and pluck it from reality, smothering us and making me feel stuck inside the store.

The open sign had been switched on for three hours, and in that time, we hadn’t had a single customer. Even though I knew it would make my shift move even slower, I continuously checked the time on my phone, hoping another hour had passed.

It hadn’t.

Minutes had passed.

Not hours.

A sigh rushed from between my lips, and I rested my chin in my palm, tapping the tip of my nose with my fingers.

“Mmm,” Lilly hummed as she shoved another spoonful of cookies and cream ice-cream into her mouth.

She was stress eating—soothing something inside her soul with sugar and calories. I knew all too well what it was like to give in to the sugar addiction to take away your emotions. The carbohydrate load was good for our minds, clearing away the memory debris that loaded down our thoughts, but the sugar overdose was terrible for our bodies.

I understood, though. I had done the same thing many times in my life. Although, my sugar soothing sessions were usually brought on for different reasons than Lilly’s. She was having a minor breakdown over the fact she was falling hard for the guy she was seeing. Falling for a guy wasn’t something I would ever do.

Lilly wasn’t me, though. She was my best friend as well as my roommate and the manager of Franklin’s Jewelry store where I worked, but she wasn’t a man-hater the way I was. Needless to say, I was around her a ton, so I understood her issues.

I really did.

The differences in her since she gained her new guy friend, or whatever he was, were seriously noticeable, and I hated to see her wrapped in the wrath of depression during what should have been a joyful period in her life.

She was fighting her feelings, which, honestly, was the wisest thing she could do when it came to the opposite sex, but I knew she wouldn’t win the fight. Women were drawn to attractive men, and while I hated to admit it, Devin Michaels, Lilly’s new friend, was super nice to gawk at.

That didn’t mean I wanted what she had.

It didn’t mean my body was suddenly working again or I could feel the urges she spoke of.

Understanding attraction to men was hard for me. I pretended, giggling with my girlfriends about the half-naked men in magazines and the sexy guys at the bars we went to, but the fact was, even looking at naked male flesh made my stomach turn inside out.

The night I dared not think of made it so.

His touch.

His voice.

The memory of his flesh sliding against mine.

Everything about it turned me away from the male gender. They were the Black Plague as far as I was concerned—rotting women from the inside out—dotting their flesh with the pocks of disdain. We were all being threatened by an army of penises ready to bring down the female race.

Needless to say, the events which unfolded over the course of the day were a shock to my misandristic system.

My eyes were shuttering closed, my mind slowly shutting down, and I kept catching myself nodding off at the front counter. Weekdays, when almost everyone else in the world was working, too, tended to be that way. Why two of us worked at the same time on a weekday, I had no idea. I only knew I needed the money, so even though I wanted to call in for the day, I pulled myself out of bed, got dressed, tamed my fiery mane, and went to work.

Tourists passed our door, basking in the comfortable fall weather outside and enjoying the historical beauty of Charleston. I hadn’t always lived in Charleston, but I had lived there long enough to know who was a tourist.

The tourist looked at everything around them as if it was some sort of beautiful creation. Their mouths hung open in love with the antiquity of the town. They pulled out their phones for pictures and walked the sidewalks slow enough to take in everything they passed.

Locals weren’t anything like that. They hustled, bustling past the magnificence of our town with their phones glued to their faces. They weren’t in awe of Charleston’s splendor. They took advantage of their circumstances because the town around them was their home and the world they saw every day.

Growing up, I lived on the outskirts of downtown Charleston, and coming from a smaller town, I had only visited the city on special occasions. My family could never afford the luxuries of downtown, but sometimes, we would drive to town and walk the ancient cobblestone streets, taking in the history that marked every surface of the city. I used to be a tourist—a slow walker—pulling out my camera and snapping pictures of the town’s rustic charm. Memorizing its handmade wrought iron fences and perfectly manicured historic gardens.

Things were different now, though. I was older, and living with my grammy wasn’t an option anymore. Bills needed to be paid, and next to no work could be found in the small town where I grew up. After months of searching, damn near starving, and having our electric turned off, I moved in with Lilly and took the job at Franklin’s Jewelry store. Soon after my move, Grammy started getting disability checks to cover her bills, but I still contributed whenever I was able.

A small boy in blue jean overalls ran up to our door and pulled on the handle like he was going to come inside. I leaned up on the counter, thrilled at the prospect of a customer, but his mother came behind him and tugged him toward the store beside ours.

False alarm.

Resting my chin on the heel of my hand, I sighed in boredom yet again. My eyes gradually closed as the sleep I had missed the night before crept over me.

That was when I saw him.

I didn’t usually notice men, but this man … he was very noticeable, to say the least.

He was tall and dark, his bronzed skin glittering in the noon sunlight. His wide shoulders flexed as he tilted his head to the side to crack his neck, and his thighs stretched in his distressed jeans when he stepped onto the sidewalk just outside Franklin’s.

The button up cargo shirt he was wearing pulled tightly across his chest as he moved. The large watch on his wrist caught the sun when he checked the time, and a reflection dashed across my face.

Men rarely wore watches anymore, but something about it was attractive and distinguished. Wearing a watch told the people around him he didn’t allow his phone to rule his world. He was the ruler. The commander of his time and actions and no digital electronic was going to tell him when and where.

I blinked, shocked I was staring so hard—surprised I was contemplating anything about him. He was like a solar eclipse … dangerous to look at but too hard to look away from. A bad accident that made you rubberneck or an intense movie you rewound to watch over and over again.

He moved like volcanic lava, deliberate and steaming, in no rush to get where he was going, but sure to scorch everything in his path. The tourist women walking the sidewalk melted like shaved ice on hot asphalt as he passed. If I hadn’t found it hard to look away from him myself, I might have laughed at how idiotic they seemed.

But for the first time in a long while, I understood their ogling.

He was beautiful.

Gorgeous like a Greek god but tainted black like the devil himself.

He slid his mirrored sunshades from his face, the glasses catching the reflection of our front door and sign, and hooked them in the pocket of his shirt. He ran his long fingers through his midnight hair, a defiant strand dropping loose from the rest and landing in a sexy curl against his forehead, before reaching for the handle of our door.

“Put down the ice cream, Lilly. A customer’s coming in, and he’s sexy with a capital S,” I said.

It was the way I spoke about men. My way of hiding the fact that anything with a penis scared the living shit out of me. Usually, it worked, and the girls would laugh along, but this time was different.

This time, I meant the words I said.

It was abnormal and made my skin feel sticky and hot as if I had been wearing an itchy sweater and sprayed with warm water.

It disgusted me, and I hated that my body was planning a rebellion.

I didn’t often look at the opposite sex.

No.

That was untrue.

I never looked at the opposite sex, but this guy was … well, he was sexy. Even considering his appearance or appreciating his presence made my stomach heave. My spine straightened with the sickness that settled within me like stones sinking to the bottom of a murky lake.

By the time he pulled the door open and the bell above the door chimed, I was beginning to feel dizzy and anxious.

His aqua blue eyes skimmed over me, and a peculiar warmth dashed through me, intensifying my lightheadedness and making my knees quake. Then his eyes moved away and landed on Lilly.

A slow, calculated smile transformed his handsome face as he strolled casually to the counter. A tiny dimple popped on his cheek, upping his attractiveness to dangerous levels.

“Hey there, sweet cheeks. Fancy meetin’ you here,” he flirted with Lilly.

Her cheeks lit from within, flushing her face with a pretty pink blush. She adjusted her shirt, pulling it down over her thighs self-consciously as she moved closer to the counter.

“Hey, Matt. It’s good to see you again. What can I do for you?”

She knew him.

What the hell was going on?

When did Lilly become friends with all these men?

Did I need to worry that she would start bringing them to our apartment?

I couldn’t live that way—sleeping in bed with the enemy under my roof while contemplating the terrible things they could do to me while I slept.

They weren’t trustworthy. They took what they wanted and I would never be taken again.

Not ever.

“Ah, how sweet,” he cooed, his voice dark and seductive. “You remembered my name. I didn’t think you’d remember anything with as much as you had to drink that night.”

He laughed, and the sound of it sent chills over my skin. Not for the usual reason, which had more to do with revulsion and anxiety, but because it sounded deep and rich … soothing my frazzled edges in a bizarre way.

Goose bumps attacked my body, rolling across my flesh like falling dominoes, making the hair on my arms stand on end. A curious ache I hadn’t felt in over three years formed between my thighs, making my nipples tingle and pebble.

I wanted to get away from this guy, whoever he was, and never see him again.

My mouth opened so I could speak to Lilly, so I could tell her I needed to get away, but the words wouldn’t come out. Swallowing hard, I cleared my throat.

“I see you have this taken care of,” I muttered. “I’ll just be in the back if you need me.”

I hurried to the rear of the store as fast as my trembling legs would take me.

Once I made it to the break room, I slammed my shoulders against the wall and tried to gain control of my breathing.

“Get it together, Shannon,” I whispered.

I listened from the back as the guy flirted with Lilly, trying to convince her to go on a date with him. Then they must have moved farther away because their words became distant and muffled.

My hands shook as I snatched a few boxes of stock for the display cases and walked back to the front of the store.

Curiosity bloomed until I could no longer contain it, but as long as I was in the back of the store, I was unable to hear their conversation. It was imperative I knew every single detail of why he was there. It was also vital for me to understand why I responded to him so abnormally. If I understood the cause, perhaps I could cure the unwanted feelings he was tugging from within me.

Then everything became clear, and I knew the path I needed to take.

Lilly was freaking out about Devin, but maybe seeing this guy would make things easier?

Maybe it would take her mind off all the things bothering her if she started dating a new guy?

It was a sick and twisted way of thinking. The whole “to get over one, get under another” saying, but if she was dating this guy, it could kill two birds with one stone. She would be occupied, which meant her mind would be engaged and unavailable for her friend Devin, and if she was dating the sexy, bronze god in the front of the store, it would surely cure my unwelcomed attraction to him.

Lilly was my best friend, and I was loyal to a fault. As long as she was seeing him, my mind wouldn’t flutter into this unknown territory it seemed to be launching itself toward. He would be taken, and I wouldn’t have to worry about my body responding to him. He would be hands off for me.

Not that I was thinking about putting my hands on him.

My body, on the other hand, hadn’t gotten the No Men memo. My stomach twisted with sickness while the secret spot between my thighs throbbed and ached for something I refused to give into.

My body and mind weren’t on the same channel. They weren’t on the same anything. My cognizance was screaming no to everything my body was feeling, and I breathed a bit easier knowing my brain would win the war.

The memories were always victorious.

My sickness could never be cured.

My irrationality had taken my brain hostage without demands and refused to release it. I knew as long as it was locked away behind my wall of crazy, it would always stay put. My brain could never allow my body to push me toward its urges.

My dark past and the memories came rushing forward like a mentally altered white knight, fighting anything that threatened my newly acquired sanity.

“I actually have something I have to do this Saturday night. I’m sorry, maybe some other time,” Lilly said with a forced smile.

She wasn’t lying.

She did have plans this coming weekend—plans that included me—but that didn’t stop me from opening my mouth and shutting down her rejection.

“Lil, why don’t you invite your new friend to your birthday party Saturday night?” I suggested.

Sure, it would put this guy in my proximity again, but as long as he was with Lilly, it was worth it.

I kept my attention on the task of stocking the display with the boxes I had in my arms. I was sure I looked calm and cool as if I were just working, but inside, my heart was drilling in my chest and making it next to impossible to breathe.

Needless to say, it was my fault Lilly had a date to her birthday party. A date I could tell she wasn’t thrilled about, but whatever it took to fix my issue.

I had a selfish moment.

It happened.

He needed to be untouchable, in case my mind decided to finally heal. In case my white knight became a pansy and ran in the opposite direction of my inner fight. In case my brain was finally released from its hellish prison.

“You ladies have a nice afternoon,” he said before he turned to leave the store, happy with the outcome of his visit.

It was then, and only then, I turned away from my task and took another look at him.

His back muscles flexed with his stride, and when he reached up to put his shades back on, I could see the intricate network of veins bubbling from his tan, muscled arms.

He turned back and grinned at Lilly, the tilt of his luscious lips sending another wave of chills across my flesh, and then he was gone. The bell above the door chimed with his exit, and finally, I was able to breathe again.

BY THE TIME SATURDAY NIGHT CAME, and we were getting ready for Lilly’s birthday party at her mother’s house, I still hadn’t gotten the guy who came into the store out of my mind. I hoped I would have, but it seemed I went to sleep every night with his grin and dimples playing on repeat.

It was sickening.

Thinking of a total stranger that way literally nauseated me, but I couldn’t shut it off.

I tried everything to get out of going to Lilly’s birthday party for several reasons. The main reason being I was apparently a terrible friend since I was even considering skipping her party, but also because I didn’t want to see Matt, her date; the guy who branded himself on my memory without even speaking to me.

Pathetic.

Of course, there was also the prospect of spending the night with her mom’s rich friends. It was next to impossible to be comfortable around those people. They had a tendency to look me over like I was a piece of trailer park trash waiting to be tossed.

Our other friends would be there as buffers, but nothing was worse than old hags dripping in diamonds looking me up and down in disgust because I was financially beneath them or, as I had heard one say once before, “A little too curvy for my own good.”

Whatever the hell that meant.

I was fat.

Get over it.

I tried not to think about that remark or the weight I seemed to be gaining on a weekly basis no matter how much I watched what I was eating. If I even looked at something fattening, I gained a pound, and I looked a lot. Since I refused to be weak for anybody, food was my weakness.

I was in the middle of checking out my thickening waistline in the mirror in the living room when the doorbell rang. My breath hitched, and I waited quietly in hopes that Lilly would come out of her room thinking I was still in the shower and answer the door.

I wasn’t that lucky.

Even though it was the last thing in the world I wanted to do, I strode across the room to the door and pulled it open with a tight smile that made my cheeks ache.

Matt was standing there, leaning his shoulder against the doorframe with a knowing grin on his thick lips. He wasn’t an idiot. He knew he was handsome. He was aware of what his presence did to women. He relished in it, enjoying their looks and shivers and bathing in their attention like the filthy man he was.

His suit looked expensive, and his dark hair was carelessly tousled into the perfect amount of accidental sex appeal.

God, he looked tasty.

Like chocolate and caramel and all things crave-worthy.

I bet he tasted as succulent as he looked.

Not good for you at all, but magically delicious.

The kind of delicious that caused weight gain and diabetes. Except instead of doing bad things to my body, he was making all my senses go into overdrive. My heart rate went up, ripping into my ribs until I felt its beat vibrating my entire center.

He looked around me, not even paying me a bit of attention, yet he had the nerve to say, “Hey, gorgeous. Is your girl Lilly here?”

Gorgeous.

Yeah, right.

How would he know what the hell I looked like, considering he had never really looked at me?

I didn’t even attempt to respond to his rehearsed flattery.

“What’s your name again?” I asked, even though I already knew his name.

I felt like he needed a knockdown off his high horse, and I could tell by the widening of his eyes that he wasn’t accustomed to being unmemorable.

He chuckled, the sound sending yet another wave of vibrations across me. I found myself shaking as if a cold breeze slid over my skin.

Icy.

Shocking my system with shivers.

“My name’s Matthew, sweetheart.”

“I’m not your sweetheart,” I deadpanned.

His grin lifted, the dimple punching me in the gut and pushing the oxygen from my lungs. “Noted.” He chuckled.

The door creaked when I tugged it open all the way and made space for him to come inside.

A night with him at Lilly’s mom’s house, which would be full of rich, snobby people, meant I was sure to have the most uncomfortable night of my life.

“Lilly! Matt’s here!” I called through our small apartment.

Thankfully, she appeared in the living room within seconds, looking just as beautiful as usual. Her makeup was perfection, and her hair curled just so. She was breathtaking and clueless to her beauty.

Matt’s eyes lit up when Lilly came into the room, and I was happy to see him so engrossed in her. As long as he was interested in Lilly, I could never be interested in him.

He was off limits and far away from me.

Exactly how I liked my men.

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A big thank you to the readers. You guys are amazing, and I couldn’t do this writing and publishing thing without you. The support and love you give me keeps me going on the days when I’m not sure I can write another freaking word. I’m excited to bring you even more books in the upcoming months. I love you guys!

To the WICKED BITCHES!!! You guys are simply amazing. You show me so much love and take the time out of your day hang with me and be involved and I’m so grateful for each and every one of you.

To the bloggers/page administrators/Instagrammers. Thank you for sharing. Promoting. Pimping. Loving books. Just being all around kick ass supporters of all things books. Thank you! There’s really nothing else I can say here. I love you guys!

To Ena Burdette and the ladies at Enticing Journey Book Promotions, I can’t express how much I adore you. Thank you so much for making the entire promotion process with Thick & Thin so smooth. You’re amazing!

To Regina Wamba. You. Are. A. Rock Star! Thank you from the bottoms of my heart for everything. Especially for making this cover GORGEOUS! We have been together in this industry for a long while and I’m so thankful every day that I met you and have you in my life.

To Jenny Sims, I can’t even with you, lady. You’re so patient and understanding. You are such a hard worker and just an all around beautiful human being. I can’t begin to thank you enough for all that you’ve done for me and my career. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You’re amazing.

To my family—you guys are my reason for everything. Matthew, you are the most support and loving human being in the entire universe and I love you with all that I am.

Ashlynn, I couldn’t be more proud of you. I love you and the drum that makes you such an awesome person. Never change. Never mold. Stay you always, baby girl.

Jaxson, you keep me on my toes. You’re our little miracle and I’m thankful every day when I look into your adorable little face that you are in our lives. You’re my boobie bear and I don’t care how old you get you’ll always be just that.

To my angel baby, mommy thinks about you every day. Sending all the love to the clouds.