Proof

TARGES EXECUTIVE PROTECTION

BOOK ONE

SLOANE KENNEDY

Proof is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

Copyright © 2024 by SK Publishing, LLC

Published in the United States by SK Publishing, LLC.

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

Cover Design: Angela Haddon, 2024

Copyright © Cover Image: Wandar Aguiar, 2024

Note From the Author

This is a standalone novel in the beginning of what I hope will be a long series. At this time, I have no plans to cross it over with any of my other series as I’ve done in the past so you do not have to read any of my other books if you want to start with this one.

CHAPTER 1

Cass

“Your five minutes starts now,” I growled as I walked around the large but plain office.

“Cass…”

Fuck. I knew that tone. I hated that tone. It wasn’t a command or plea. It wasn’t disappointment or anger. It was… well, it was Sully.

Only it was the real Sully; the one he rarely let anyone see.

“Damn it,” I muttered underneath my breath. I’d already spent too much time in the company of the man I’d once considered my best friend.

I couldn’t help but glance over my shoulder every few seconds to make sure that the door leading into the office was wide open. It was, but that didn’t prevent the itch that was spreading beneath my skin.

Funny that I’d never felt that sensation while I’d been locked up. The need to keep moving was new too. I’d spent two years in a cell that had been less than half the size of the office I was currently in and yet the plainly furnished room with boxes, file folders, and mountains of paperwork scattered everywhere wasn’t big enough. It took every ounce of energy I had in me to stop moving and turn to face one of the many people who’d let me rot in my own personal hell for two long years.

“Four and a half,” I said simply. I’d made a deal with the man, so my only obligation was to see it through.

Sullivan “Sully” Ferguson was standing behind his desk, his head uncharacteristically hung. The man was built like a tank and pretty much behaved like one too by rolling over anyone or anything that dared to get in his way, but not today. Today he looked… tired.

I’d known the man since we’d been a couple of dumb fifteen-year-olds who’d both had to grow up fast. Sully had basically raised his younger brother and I’d been trapped in a world filled with wealth, power, and every other perk that had come with being born into a family with the right last name. Two worlds that had been as different as night and day and yet, in our own ways, we’d both been trapped within our own little prisons.

Ironically, Sully’s family had been the reason I’d been able to escape my life as an Ashby and the pre-stamped future that had come with it. Turned out, I hadn’t escaped—I’d just made a trade.

One prison for another.

One title for another.

Murderer.

That was my title now. It didn’t matter that my rich family had finally gotten around to scrounging up a fancy lawyer smart enough to get me out of prison… on a technicality, no less. Now I carried the mantle of two titles that would always be linked together no matter where I went or what I did. The Ashby heir turned murderer.

“You still do it,” Sully murmured before dropping into the worn desk chair behind him. His hard-ass, unyielding side was back.

“Do what?” I asked as I forced myself to move closer to the desk. There were a couple of chairs in front of the desk, but I didn’t want to sit. I didn’t want to be inside, either. I didn’t want walls or silence. I wanted to walk and just keep walking.

“Run your hands through your hair when you’re trying to get yourself under control,” Sully said around a cigar he was in the process of lighting.

Whatever brief lapse that had allowed me to see that my former friend was dealing with some heavy shit of his own was gone. He was once again the Sully the world needed him to be. Tough, cold, detached.

As teenagers we’d been nothing alike. Different social circles, different economic means, and very different personalities. I hadn’t understood what tough meant until I’d met Sully, but I also hadn’t aspired to be like him when it came to the way he’d held himself apart from the world.

Who knew that being locked in what had essentially been a coffin for two years would turn a man so far beyond hard and unyielding that it was like comparing a pebble to a boulder. Only now Sully was the pebble and I was the boulder.

“Three and a half,” I said. I didn’t have a watch on, but mental counting while doing ten other things had been required reading as part of my Introduction to Surviving Prison manual. “I wanted to keep it shaved but Hutch said it would look better for all my future court appearances,” I murmured absently as I once again toyed with my hair. I’d kept it shaved in prison because lesson two in the manual had been that long hair in prison was a weapon that could be used against the owner of that hair.

“There won’t be any more court shit,” Sully responded. “Those prosecutors would have lost to Asa Hutch the first time around. He would have spotted⁠—”

“Don’t,” I snapped. “What the fuck do you want? You want reimbursement for picking me up even though I didn’t ask you to? You want gas money, cash for that shitty coffee and that breakfast that actually made the slop they fed us in prison taste like a gourmet meal?” I held my arms out. “You should have said something before I tossed my granddaddy’s Rolex into the trash when I was given my personal possessions back.”

Sully fell silent and then reached for a glass and a bottle of scotch sitting on the corner of his desk. The sight of the alcohol made a strange sense of calm wrap around me like the warmest of blankets.

“I assume your taste for cheap whiskey hasn’t changed,” I said.

Sully practically growled as he began pouring the amber liquid into the glass. “Cheap scotch,” he automatically returned.

Since Sully’s father had been Scottish, the rule in their house had been to never ever refer to the alcohol as whiskey. It was scotch or nothing. And if you’d had the misfortune of calling it anything else, you’d have gotten a speech longer than your arm about how scotch and whiskey were not the same thing.

“‘Them blasted Americans are the ones who…’” I said, Sean Ferguson’s loud, booming voice still ringing in my ear.

“‘…started muckin’ it up when they got the two mixed up,’” Sully responded, completing the phrase.

“Where is he? Your father even know I’m here?” I asked. It was all I could do not to ask about the third member of the Ferguson family.

“Dad died last year,” Sully muttered before downing the scotch. He started pouring himself a second round without waiting for the first one to kick in.

For the first time since I’d walked down the steps of the police station, I felt something besides hate and fury. Sean Ferguson was gone. The man had been more of a father to me than my own, and I hadn’t been there as he’d been laid to rest. God, the last time I’d seen him had been when I’d been led out of the courtroom in shackles after the four guilty verdicts had been handed down. Despite the judge’s warning for silence, the audience had burst out into applause and cheers.

That was the memory of me that he’d taken to the grave with him; not any of the ones where he’d welcomed me into his family as a son.

As I tried to absorb the fact that the man who’d taught me what a real father was supposed to be like was dead, I looked around the bare, badly painted white walls of Sully’s office. I could see dozens of spackled-over holes. The only thing hanging on the wall closest to his desk was a framed certificate. From where I was standing, it looked like a business license.

Targes Executive Protection.

I didn’t need to look at the certificate to know that was the name of the business. I’d seen the same words gleaming as fine as the Ashby family silverware above the reception desk in the lobby. That space, compared to Sully’s office, had been pristine and looked like not a penny had been spared to turn it into the same kind of welcome lobbies the big guys in his industry had. The Targes was there too.

A flash of the night Sully and I had come up with the name of the company we’d planned to build together the second we were old enough flashed through my mind. I hadn’t had a clue what a targe was and had told him he was nuts because it’d sounded ridiculous.

Then he’d told me what it meant. What it had meant to his family.

A targe was a shield Scottish warriors had used in battle. Sully had always hoped he’d be able to use the family’s ancestral symbol in any endeavor he pursued. It was a symbol of who his parents had been and the battles the Ferguson family had faced from the moment Sean Ferguson had met his future bride and they had left behind the rural highlands of Scotland so they could travel thousands of miles to the country where everyone supposedly had the same shot at living the great American dream.

Building a business together may have been a naive dream between two kids who’d watched a few too many television shows about detectives and such, but Sully was clearly going for it.

“Executive protection,” I muttered. “Please tell me my father isn’t one of your clients.”

I’d stopped the timer in my head because hearing about Sean Ferguson’s death had rattled me.

Everyone knew my father never would have done business with a fledgling company like Targes. Even if things had been different and his own son had been part of the business, Chandler Ashby III always went with the best and most expensive of everything. Cars, clothes, women.

The comment did what I’d intended it to do, even though I had no idea why I was making the effort considering the circumstances.

It had been meant to make Sully smile, which he may or may not have done since his mouth only moved for a split second.

“Have you talked to your—?” Sully asked after a few moments.

“No,” I said simply.

I waited for Sully to ask me why I hadn’t been in contact with my family from the moment they’d hired the attorney who’d gotten me out of prison on a technicality.

The question never made it from Sully’s lips because the sound of approaching footsteps had me instinctively reaching for the gun at my back and pointing it at the door. What if something had changed in my case and the cops were coming to take me back to prison? Would I let them take me back? If not, how would I stop it? The weight of the weapon in my hand held the answer.

You’ll never see him again.

The taunting voice that occasionally managed to push through my defenses was a cruel distraction, and yet its reminder of what I’d truly be giving up if I chose to let the cops take me out in a hail of bullets was enough to sway me. It didn’t matter that the chances of seeing him again were slim to none. Thankfully, it wasn’t the SWAT team I was expecting. No, the young man who appeared in the doorway couldn’t have looked less like a cop if he’d tried.

He was tall as a reed and nearly as thin as one too.

“Mr. Ferguson, sir, I came in early to—” the guy began before he saw me. The kid, who barely looked legal and had probably been stuffed into every school locker he’d ever had the misfortune of standing next to, froze and dropped the papers in his hand.

Sully was already stepping between me and the kid before I even had a chance to lower the gun. My heart felt like it was going to beat right out of my chest, and it was all I could do not to puke up the shitty diner food on the floor of Sully’s office. I didn’t need to wait to hear Sully’s command or plea or whatever to put the weapon away. I was so caught off guard by my own behavior that I barely paid attention to anything else.

Despite what all of California and the rest of the country believed, I didn’t kill innocent people. Hell, the only time I’d taken lives had been while I’d been a Marine.

“You okay, Mikey?” I heard Sully ask, his voice uncharacteristically soft.

“I’m fine, Mr. Ferguson,” the young man responded crisply.

I’d caught enough of my own breath to turn around just in time to see the kid kneeling to collect the papers that had fallen. Sully knelt too. I could hear the pair speaking but couldn’t make out the words. One of the pieces of paper was closer to me than them, so I picked it up. Once Mikey had collected the papers, he steadily walked up to Sully’s desk and carefully laid out the papers into three perfect stacks. He began reorganizing the pages.

“Sorry,” I began, but the kid waved me off.

“It’s fine,” he murmured. His back was stiff as a board and his jaw twitched now and again, but he didn’t try to steer clear of me or ask any questions. He was pretty damn calm for someone who’d just had a gun pointed at him.

“I know better than to enter a room without making myself known.” The young man’s refined way of speaking took me by surprise. His voice was even, and there were no tears, no shaking hands. Other than the moment when he’d dropped the papers, he behaved as if nothing had happened.

“You sure you’re okay, Mikey?” Sully asked from the doorway. He actually sounded… concerned?

To my surprise, I heard Mikey whisper under his breath, “Michael,” before he covered whatever he’d really been feeling with the widest, fakest smile I’d ever seen.

“Fine, Mr. Ferguson. I apologize for interrupting your meeting. May I get your guest any coffee?” he asked as he turned around and dropped his arms to his side.

For a few brief seconds, my presence seemed to have been forgotten because both men stared at each other. Sully with that determined “I’m going to figure out all your secrets” look and Mikey—nay, Michael—defiantly daring the man to try. Electricity crackled between them.

Interesting.

Since it felt like I was eavesdropping on something, I glanced at the paper I’d picked up off the floor. The bottom of my stomach dropped out when I saw the name at the top of what looked to be an invoice.

What the fuck?

“What is this?” I asked in disbelief as I held the paper up. I hadn’t noticed Mikey leave, but it probably wouldn’t have mattered if he’d still been in the room.

“Cass,” Sully began.

“What the fuck did you do?” I shouted. “What the fuck did you do?”

I had to turn the paper around again so I could confirm that it was what I really thought it was. The name “Hutch” was in bold print across the top of the page along with a slew of other last names.

“It’s not something you need to concern yourself with,” Sully bit out. He tried to snatch the invoice from my hand. I didn’t let him, though it didn’t matter if I had. My slow-to-catch-up mind was caught up.

The invoice was from the law offices of Asa Hutch, my appeals attorney. The total amount paid to the criminal defense attorney had been in the low six figures and the balance on the account was zero.

I slowly dropped my ass down in the chair. I ran my fingers through my hair as I processed what the invoice meant. “Why?” I asked angrily.

The disbelief and shame of how I’d behaved toward Sully was quickly followed by the stunning and undeniably painful realization that it hadn’t been my own family who’d paid through the nose to hire the best attorney money could buy to get me out of prison.

Sully didn’t answer. Instead, he reached for the bottle of scotch again. I managed to get to it before he did and threw it against the wall, not caring about the resulting mess the broken glass and amber liquid made.

Not surprisingly, he didn’t react to my show of anger. The only time Sully Ferguson did react to anything real was when it involved someone he cared about.

Like—

I cut the thought off because there was no fucking way I could go there right now.

“You paid Asa Hutch to get me out,” I said. “It wasn’t my family.”

I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t connected the dots sooner.

Sully had been the one to pick me up from the police station early that morning after I’d been processed out. It’d still been dark out, so there’d been no press to deal with. Seeing Sully waiting for me on the steps that led up to the police station had been the last thing I’d been expecting.

It hadn’t taken too much effort on his part to get me to agree to talk to him for five minutes in exchange for a shitty breakfast and access to some of my personal belongings he’d held on to for the two years I’d been gone.

I’d figured the return on investment was pretty good. Giving my former best friend a few minutes to provide one or two pathetic explanations for why he’d done what he’d done and maybe an apology was worth getting to tell him to his face what a piece of shit he was and then getting my hands on whatever remained of my personal possessions that weren’t already in my pocket.

I hadn’t been prepared for this.

“Fuck,” I snapped. “Where did you get the money? Unless you won the fucking lottery, I know you don’t have that kind of cash just lying around.”

“It’s not important⁠—”

“How?” I demanded, unable to keep the anger out of my voice. Problem was, I didn’t know where to direct my anger.

Sully was still standing by the open door. He came toward me but instead of going behind his desk to sit down, he grabbed the other guest chair and turned it so he could talk directly to me. I’d angled my chair so I could still see the door, but it didn’t get me out of Sully’s pointed gaze. “I took out a mortgage on the house.”

It took me too much time to understand. God, had I always been this slow or was it a result of being stuck with only my own thoughts to keep me entertained for two years?

“That house,” I said with a shake of my head. “It was paid off. Your dad worked so fucking hard to pay it off⁠—”

“And he would have been the first one to tell me to mortgage it to do what needed to be done. He loved you like you were his own, Cass. I know it may have seemed like he was one of the ones who… who turned on you, but he didn’t. He just… he didn’t know how to be on both sides at once.”

I sighed because I understood what Sully was saying. Sean Ferguson hadn’t been at my original trial, so I’d just assumed he would have been sitting on the other side of the courtroom rather than behind my sad excuse for a defendant’s table.

“I’ll get the money to repay you,” I said firmly. “My grandmother⁠—”

“No fucking way are you going crawling back to that place. I may as well have left you in prison, you asshole.”

Sully returned to his chair. “Cass, I know you love your grandmother, and she always treated you well, but you’d be stepping into a den of vipers, and you know it. Your grandmother’s what… in her seventies now?”

“Seventy-seven,” I responded.

“If she could have helped you two years ago, she would have, but your father pulls the strings now. He never would’ve let those bullshit charges stick if he’d given even the tiniest bit of shit about you. Even if he had believed any of it was possible, a real father with plenty of money to throw around would have hired as many Asa Hutches as could squeeze around the defendant’s table to protect his kid. I’m sorry to say it⁠—”

I dismissed him with a wave. I’d known from the moment the cops had put the shackles on my wrists that I’d lost the protection of the Ashby name. Hell, I’d lost it much sooner than that. I’d been left with a public defense attorney who’d sat on his ass more than he’d gotten off it from the moment he’d been assigned my case. At the same time, my father had managed to get access to the sizable trust fund my grandmother had established for me in case of her death or until I turned twenty-one. I’d long ago passed the twenty-one mark, but I’d never touched a penny of the money. When I’d finally needed it, the cash had conveniently disappeared, so I’d had no choice but to rely on the public defender.

“Tell me what you need,” I said simply.

“Cass, that’s not why I⁠—”

“I know, buddy,” I told him as I stood and rested my hand on his shoulder. “Could be fun training some of your new recruits in exchange for paying off my debt,” I added with a forced laugh.

“I don’t need you to train my guys,” Sully said as I began to leave the office. His voice sounded grim.

I turned around. “You aren’t seriously thinking about putting me out in the field,” I said in disbelief. “Sully, you might as well set this place on fire now because the second anyone associates my name with your business, you’re done. Not to mention I don’t have a license to⁠—”

“I need you to shadow someone,” Sully interjected.

I shook my head. “Sully, there’s got to be something else you need. If your client or the cops found out I’m working for you⁠—”

“It’s JJ.”

CHAPTER 2

Jj

“What the fuck?!” I screamed as blackness turned to light and warmth turned to cold.

Cold as in ice cold.

Literally.

I scrambled to a sitting position, but it didn’t help. The bucket of ice water had done its job. Frigid water and ice cubes turned my already uncomfortable bed to downright unbearable, and my clothes were so soaked through that I could feel my tight black jeans starting to shrink.

Which had been my asshole of a brother’s intent.

“Get up,” Sully said simply and then he was gone.

“Fucker!” I shouted as he shut the door behind him. I immediately regretted it because the little man with the really big hammer in my head began wielding it against every part of my brain. I searched out my blanket which, thankfully, was only damp since it hadn’t been covering my body when I’d passed out on my bed.

I flopped back down only to be met with a mattress of ice cubes. “Son of a bitch,” I muttered as I forced myself to sit up and swing my legs over my bed again. I immediately felt like I was going to be sick, but thankfully I didn’t puke. My throat was already raw from the retching I’d done the night before in the alley behind the club where I’d consumed not only a shit ton of alcohol but a variety of eager cocks. I had no idea how many guys had face-fucked me or how much semen I’d obediently swallowed, but I did know from the sting in my ass that the party hadn’t started in that alley, and it hadn’t been limited to just the use of my mouth.

That had pretty much been the whole point from the moment I’d walked through Tank’s, one of the rougher gay clubs in the city. The kind where there was only the pretense of hanging out, dancing, and maybe finding a guy to go home with for the night. No, I’d gone to Tank’s because it offered the three things I’d wanted.

To consume enough alcohol to forget why I was there in the first place.

To accept the unspoken invitation of whatever guy first caught my attention and nodded in the direction of the bathroom followed by some hard fucking against a grimy bathroom stall that usually resulted in other guys taking their turn with me.

And finally, the finale—stumbling out the back door and depositing the contents of my belly next to the club’s dumpster. After that, I was usually fortunate enough to pass out. That meant not needing to feel the hard, wet, filthy asphalt against my cheek or the spunk spurting from my ass and/or dripping down my chin.

Tank himself was usually the one to wake me up from wherever he found me, and he’d pour me into a cab. The Goliath of a man always paid the cabbie up front since I never seemed to have cash by the end of the night, but he had never accepted my offer of repayment, not even in the form of letting him be the first one to fuck me the next time I walked through his club’s door, which was usually the very next night.

As the pain in my head increased, I unconsciously rubbed the scar that ran along the right side of my scalp. My hair hid the raised flesh well enough, but it wasn’t unusual for one of my anonymous fuck buddies to ask me about it when they had their fingers twisted in my hair as they used my body. If I was still sober enough, I’d come up with some ridiculous response like I’d fallen off a riding lawnmower as a kid and the blades had sheared off part of my skull or that some lady had caught her husband fucking me in their bed and she’d stabbed me with one of her knitting needles.

Telling them the truth wouldn’t have been nearly as much fun, and since fun had disappeared from my life a long time ago, their looks of pity or listening to their words of disbelief always put a smile on my face. Well, a metaphorical one.

I stood on shaky legs and reached for the two aspirin sitting on my nightstand along with a glass of cold water.

“Asshole,” I mumbled before swallowing the pills.

The bucket of ice water had been a new addition to the One hundred and one ways to wake my irresponsible prick of a brother list, but the rest of the morning would be the same.

A breakfast deliberately designed so I’d want to hurl all over again, two hours at the gym, target practice in the basement of my brother’s fledgling security company, sparring with one of the men who worked for him, and then dragging myself home to drown myself under a hot shower as the bruises began to form all over my body where my sparring partner had gotten in a few excessively forceful hits.

I was onto the game, though.

Sully’s plan.

My brother figured by working my ass off all day, I’d be too tired to go out. If I’d been a normal guy, I would have gone to some sports bar for a beer like I always told Sully I was, but I’d lost normal a long time ago. So even though Sully knew his plan wasn’t working, at least he didn’t know that the place I was frequenting was anything but an actual sports bar. The truth about where I did go and what I did at night was one of the few things I still had control over.

I managed to stumble to the bathroom and stepped into the shower even before the water was hot. It took a while to peel my now even tighter pants off, so by the time I had gotten myself and my bed cleaned up, it’d been nearly an hour since my brother had come upstairs to yell at me. A quick look at my watch showed it was well after lunchtime. Why the hell had Sully let me sleep so long? Was he finally figuring out that I wanted nothing to do with the daily routine that was supposed to “get me back on track”?

The harsh sound of dishes clattering told me I was in for a verbal reaming.

As I made my way to the kitchen, I couldn’t help but let my eyes stray to each room and hallway. The entire house was pretty much frozen in time. Our father had been gone for over a year, but everything remained the same, as if he would walk through the front door any minute or we’d hear his booming voice rattle through the entire house every Sunday morning as he ordered us to get out of bed so we could haul ass to church because it was “God’s Day.”

From the moment we’d learned of our father’s death, Sully and I hadn’t changed a thing in the house. My older brother had stood up and taken charge as he always had, and I’d done what I always did.

Nothing.

“Get your ass in here and eat your lunch!” Sully yelled.

God, the man had the hearing of a bat. I felt like a slug as I made my way into the kitchen.

My brother’s back was to me as he washed dishes. Despite the progression of technology since our father had been a kid, Dad had wholeheartedly been dead set against using any of it. Which meant no dishwasher. Hell, my dad had never even owned a cell phone.

I sat down at the table and stared at the sandwich before me. I wasn’t really hungry, but I had the big glass of ice water sitting next to the plate drained within seconds.

“Is it my birthday?” I asked as I reached for the sandwich. Sean Ferguson hadn’t believed in letting his kids sleep in even when we’d had no school. Birthdays had been the only exception and even then, we’d only gotten a few additional hours before the day started.

“I had a meeting this morning,” my brother remarked.

I was digging through my pockets to find my cell phone, so the only word I heard was “meeting.” I skimmed through my messages. I wasn’t surprised that they were all from Sully. I switched to the internet browser and began skimming the news. I spit out the large piece of sandwich I’d just taken a bite of.

“Oh my God,” I whispered in disbelief. “What the fuck?” I shouted as I got to my feet. “He’s out? That fucking lawyer really got him off?”

“Sit down,” Sully ordered. He grabbed a bottle of water from the counter and sat down at the table. He filled my glass with more water.

Terror consumed me as I reached for the scar that began at my temple. Violent pain and blackness began to lure my brain into the vast wasteland of nothingness. I both feared and welcomed it.

“JJ, sit,” my brother demanded, his voice less coarse. I felt his hand close around my wrist, but I didn’t object to the contact. Not like I usually did, anyway. My body followed Sully’s order to return to the chair.

“Did you know about this?” I croaked as adrenaline began to spike through my system.

He was free. Cass Ashby was free. Panic and fury slammed into each other as I took in what it all meant. Surprisingly, the panic receded like the ocean tide while the rage turned into a white-hot fire inside of me.

I could finally get what I’d secretly been dreaming about for eighteen long months.

Payback.

Problem was, Cass was probably looking to get the same thing.

A grainy image flashed in my head, but it was gone as quickly as it had come. I wanted to scream in frustration, but I knew what was coming next. What always happened after I saw one of those images.

“Yes,” I managed to hear as Sully pushed the now full water glass closer to me. I couldn’t even remember what question he was saying yes to.

Literally.

My brain was on autopilot as I swallowed down the water in two big gulps. It had no effect on the pounding in my head left behind from the hangover, but I wasn’t focused on that. I was in the process of pulling myself together when the first sharp, stabbing pain behind my right eye hit. Like lightning, currents of pain lit up along the length of my scar.

One after another.

There was no reprieve in between. I couldn’t remember where I was or why I was there. All I could see was darkness. All I could feel was agonizing pain. All I wanted was for the blackness to release me from its hold or take me forever.

Something cold was placed against my forehead. The fact that I could even feel it meant that the blackness was already receding.

It wasn’t going to take me for good this time. It would continue to toy with me just like it had been from the moment I’d opened my eyes eighteen months ago.

“The aspirin should kick in soon,” Sully said as he put my hand on the frozen bag of peas that he’d put against my skin.

If my brother only knew what really had me bent over in agony, he’d lose his shit. How my normally sharp as a tack brother never noticed the true nature of what was happening to me during the few attacks he’d witnessed and automatically attributed to the results of a hangover was beyond me. It left me feeling bitter and relieved at the same time.

He’s not supposed to know, I reminded myself.

I took in several deep breaths and kept both eyes pinned shut as I waited for the churning in my gut to settle. The sharp, radiating pain in my head was beginning to retreat, leaving me to once again play my role as useless kid brother who partied too hard every night but had his big brother to take care of him every morning.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I managed to ask as reality returned.

Cass Ashby is a free man.

More water was sloshed into my glass, but I was too afraid to pick it up because Sully would see how bad my hand was shaking. I was the “back on track” JJ, which was the only one I let my brother see… what he chose to see.

“Because I haven’t seen you since the judge made his decision yesterday afternoon,” he said flatly. I ignored the sting in my belly at the emotionless response. “I need you to work a case today,” Sully continued.

I automatically shook my head despite the fact that it made my already throbbing head hurt worse. “No fucking way,” I responded.

“Then pack your shit and get out,” Sully returned before he climbed to his feet and took the sandwich and dumped it in the garbage.

“What?” I asked, completely confused.

“Get your stuff and go. Leave your keys in the bowl by the door. You can keep your car but I’m going to discontinue the insurance on it today. Your cell phone will also be disconnected since I’m paying for it.”

“You’re kicking me out?” I said in disbelief. “This is my house… our house.”

“Not if you’re not helping to pay for it.” My brother began raising a finger one by one as he rattled off, “Property taxes, insurance, utilities, maintenance⁠—”

“Sully…” I began with a shake of my head. I didn’t recognize the man before me. My brother had always been a hard-ass, but he’d never been cruel. As much as I’d loved my father, Sully had been the one who’d raised me. He was the one who’d always protected me, cared for me.

“What did you think would happen, JJ? Did you think you’d spend the rest of your life sleeping all day and staying out all night like some college frat boy? What did you think I was doing all these past months by getting you in shape and honing your skills?”

I didn’t answer him because I had known what he’d been doing. I’d just figured I’d be able to talk him out of actually having me working for him. In truth, I’d liked all the exercise and practicing the skills that had been lost to me two years earlier. That didn’t mean I wanted to use them, especially to keep someone else safe. Hell, I couldn’t take care of myself, so how the fuck was I supposed to protect another person?

“I’m not ready,” I admitted. Saying the raw truth out loud had shame burning beneath my skin. Saying it to my brother, of all people, had my whole body going up in flames of humiliation.

Sully rejoined me at the table. He reached out to put his hand over mine, but I automatically pulled it back and tucked it into my lap. My other hand was clinging to my phone as if it were my only lifeline.

His eyes flashed with some brief emotion that I couldn’t name before his face turned grim again.

“Yes, you are,” Sully responded. “You’re a better shot than just about every guy who works for me and your body is back in fighting shape. Your instincts… you never lost those. You’ve got what you need to do this job.”

Sully paused before adding, “You don’t get to play the pity card anymore, JJ. The doctors have cleared you and you need to get back out there. It’s an easy case. Escort an actress to and from her movie premiere, take her shopping, and sit on her house when she’s not out doing whatever else it is that actresses do. She’s gotten a couple of explicit letters from a fan, and they’ve got her and her manager on edge. You’ll be working the job with Axel.”

I couldn’t respond because my body had gone from hot to cold just like that. Now I just felt numb.

“Look, JJ. I need this case to go well because word of mouth is what’s going to get Targes out of the red. Business is picking up but until I can get money coming in from cases, I can’t afford to hire more guys. And money won’t come in until I get more guys… skilled guys and not mercenary wannabes on board. So right now, I need you to step up…”

I nodded because I knew Sully was right. I’d been through hell and back, but I had come back. Maybe it was time to see how far. How hard could it be to babysit an actress?

Even if the case bored me to tears, at least I’d be able to get my mind off the man who’d tried to end my life with a bullet to the brain. Chances were that Cassius Ashby was once again enveloped in the comfort of his family’s money.

Besides, there was nothing saying I couldn’t keep going to Tank’s when I wasn’t on duty. I could hide myself away with lots of cheap drinks and anonymous sex. Nothing really had to change. I could play “back to his old self” JJ during the day and be anyone other than myself at night.

“Okay,” I agreed.

“It’ll be okay, JJ. I just need you to trust me,” Sully responded as he rose to his feet. I saw him reach out to pat me on the shoulder, but he stopped himself before I was forced to pull away.

I managed a nod as he left the room and ignored the voice in my head that was trying to force me to speak the words that would undoubtedly break my brother’s heart.

There was no trust and there never would be. Not for him or anyone else.

Not ever again.

CHAPTER 3

Cass

“Good call, Cass,” I muttered as I tightened my fingers around the steering wheel of my 1969 Mustang Boss 429. I’d bought the car for dirt cheap when I’d been in my mid-teens and had spent years and thousands of dollars lovingly restoring it. Sully and JJ had been at my side throughout it all. Even their father, Sean, had helped us figure out some of the snags we’d run into. I could still remember the day we’d gotten the engine running for the first time. Sully, JJ, and I had packed into the vehicle and taken it for a celebratory drive.

JJ had been around eight or so at the time. His enthusiasm had been infectious, but what I’d most admired about the little boy had been his unwavering belief that we’d get the car restored. There’d been times where it had felt like JJ’s sole purpose had been to make sure I got my dream of having something that was all mine. Something I’d earned through hard work. Not a single penny of Ashby money had been used to pay for the car’s restoration.

I found myself smiling as I remembered his reaction when the car had started for the first time. JJ had been the one who’d turned the key and then he’d been high-fiving the rest of us over the roar of the engine.

The amusing memory quickly morphed into the last one I’d had of JJ. Even now I could taste the terror as I’d watched and felt the blood—his blood—slide down my bare forearm and hand as I’d cradled him against my chest.

“Fuck,” I snapped as I forced my eyes open.

I needed to remember when I’d needed to see JJ one more time before I’d been locked up. The time when he hadn’t been there.

I welcomed the sudden return of hatred along with the bitter sting of betrayal. It was enough to get my thoughts back on track and off the man who’d turned his back on me. I glanced at the interior of the car. It gleamed just like it had the last day I’d been behind the wheel.

When I’d gone to prison, I’d assumed I’d never see the car again. I’d figured my father would have had it in the crush pit at a junkyard before the ink on the official verdict documents had even dried. Thankfully, Sully had gotten to the car first. It was among the personal possessions he’d used to bribe me for five minutes of my time. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought Sully would save the car for me, let alone do what he’d done to get me out of prison. The whole thing was bittersweet because I couldn’t make sense of why he’d left me behind bars for so long if he’d believed all along that I hadn’t been the one who’d shot JJ.

During my original trial, on the few days Sully had been in court, he hadn’t been sitting on my side of the room. He’d never once looked at me, he hadn’t testified on my behalf, and he’d never spoken a single word to me from the moment I’d been arrested.

A little over a week ago, my future had been on hold as the attorney Sully had hired for my appeal had made his case to a judge. Now I was sitting in my beloved car doing the one thing my friend had asked in return for everything he’d done for me. The second Sully had said the job was to shadow his younger brother, my most secret hope that things would somehow go back to the way they’d been before that night had been obliterated. Sully hadn’t mentioned any particular threat against JJ, but he’d also been stingy with the details as to why he’d wanted someone keeping an eye on his younger brother. He’d been even more secretive about why it had to be me.

I reminded myself that none of it mattered because I was repaying a debt and nothing more. After I did this job for Sully, I was gone. Los Angeles would be in my rearview mirror, and I’d disappear. Cassius Ashby IV would be nothing but dust under my tires.

Problem with my new debt was that I’d simply traded one prison for another.

JJ.

“Fuck,” I snapped.

I’d been shadowing JJ for a week now and every second of it had been the cruelest form of torture. I didn’t want to be anywhere near the man who’d turned his back on me when I’d needed him most, but I also couldn’t take my eyes off of him.

A week ago, I’d dreamed of what it would be like to come face to face with JJ and tell him what every single second of life behind bars had been like for me. I’d wanted him to see for himself how his lies had changed me. Not just my life, but me. I’d wanted him to know how his betrayal had changed the man I’d been the few times he and I had been together.

For about ten seconds I’d dreamed of beating the shit out of JJ, but even if Sully hadn’t become part of the equation, I’d known deep down that I never would have put my hands on JJ. Not to hurt him, anyway. Given the chance, I’d probably put my hands on him for a whole other reason even if it was pure insanity.

Shit, I needed to get my head in the game. This was a job, nothing more. A favor for Sully. It was the least I could do for him. Truthfully, if it had been anyone other than JJ I’d been tasked to shadow, I’d have welcomed the distraction. Problem was, it was him.

In the past week, I’d learned JJ’s routine pretty quickly. He spent his days escorting his charge to wherever she wanted to go, and he spent his nights hanging out in some gay club that didn’t appear to cater to a more discerning level of clientele.

While JJ had spent the evening partying with whatever guy had picked him up—and there was no question that one would because JJ was the kind of man who turned heads when he walked into a room—I’d been sitting in my car seething with fury and a healthy dose of jealousy. It had taken every ounce of strength I’d had not to kick down the club’s door, find JJ and whatever prick he was with, and…

And.

That was the part that was the problem.

After I punched out the prick, I wanted to do so many things to JJ.

So many things that would have left the image of us burned so deep into his brain that no other man’s touch would ever be enough for him again.

I let out a breath as I watched the black SUV leave the gated property. The car’s windows were tinted so I couldn’t see inside of it, but I knew JJ was there. He and some big guy with dark hair always took the day watch. I’d been sure to keep my distance as I followed them, and while I was glad they’d been smart enough to change up their routine in terms of routes and locations, I was pissed that neither of the men had picked up on the fact that they had a tail.

Today’s route was different as I followed them, but in truth, I wasn’t really paying that much attention to our location because my thoughts were consumed with JJ. He looked both different and the same as he had two years earlier. Physically, he was as fit as I’d ever seen him, and my cock hadn’t missed out on that fact. The black suits he wore as part of his job should have doused my physical response to him because guys in suits did nothing but remind me of my father and his entourage of attorneys, assistants, chauffeurs, and, of course, bodyguards, but JJ in a suit was as bad for my sexual health as anything else he could be wearing… or not wearing. Yet as good as he had looked physically, there had been something about the way he moved and interacted with others that had been off.

I was so preoccupied with thoughts of JJ that I nearly missed the sight of the man standing in the middle of the winding canyon road. I slammed on the brakes and did everything I could to remain in control of the vehicle. Thankfully, it came to a jolting stop not five feet from the man.

The man with the gun pointed directly at me.

JJ.

I was pissed and pleased at the same time. Pissed that JJ had put himself in danger of being hit by my car and pleased that it was just him. No SUV, no big guy or wailing actress in the vicinity; no one, period.

“Get out of the car!” JJ shouted. “Open the door from the outside,” he added. If anything about the situation were humorous, I would have smiled at how quickly his cop instincts had kicked in.

I ignored the order, of course. Instead, I drove around him despite his warning shouts. I didn’t go far. I drove just far enough to pull off the side of the road. I wasn’t about to put some poor soul in danger by sitting in the middle of the road just after a sharp curve. I’d been waiting years for this opportunity, but I could wait a few seconds more.

By the time I pulled onto the shoulder and threw my car into park, JJ was striding behind me, the gun aimed at the back windshield and, of course, me. I was glad to see he was at least smart enough to use the vehicle as a shield if bullets began flying.

Jesus fucking Christ, Cass. What the fuck do you care if his instincts are working?

I ignored the voice in my head and yanked on the door handle so hard that I was surprised it didn’t rip right off. JJ continued to call out his warnings for me not to move or he’d shoot, but I didn’t care.

Just like I didn’t care that I’d left my own weapon on the passenger seat.

“I will shoot you, Cass,” JJ warned as I began walking toward him. His voice held the smallest of tremors in it.

Gone was the cop he’d once been and in his place was a man who knew he was the one in danger despite the loaded weapon in his hands.

Fury overruled any pity I had for him. That voice in my head was back. It was screaming at me that this was JJ. JJ, Sully’s little brother. JJ, the kid who used to look up to me like I was some kind of hero or something. JJ, the man I’d felt dying in my arms as I’d screamed for help.

JJ, the man who’d condemned me to life in a prison cell. The man who was responsible for me needing to be aware of everyone and everything around me twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, fifty-two weeks a year. The man who’d believed that I would ever hurt him.

“Not that man anymore,” I whispered to myself as I forced the reminder of prison away. JJ began taking steps backward.

“Cass, stop! Stop!”

The fearless man who’d stood in front of my car with a gun aimed at my head less than sixty seconds ago was now an uncertain former cop who knew he’d started a fight he wouldn’t win.

JJ’s hand wavered even as he kept his finger on the trigger. The closer I got, the more desperate his tone became.

“I will shoot you!”

I didn’t stop until I had my chest plastered against the barrel of his gun. I should have been worried that even though I knew JJ wouldn’t intentionally shoot me, his shaking hand could easily cause the gun to fire.

I wasn’t worried. I was too caught up in taking in every part of his face. Coal-black hair with matching arched eyebrows. Long, lush ebony lashes that brushed his skin whenever he blinked, straight nose with the tiny scar on one side from when he’d fallen off his bike at the age of nine, and full, sumptuous lips just begging to be kissed. But it was his eyes that had always mesmerized me the most. One was a striking shade of dark green while the other was hazel with flecks of gold scattered around the iris.

He still looked as young as he had the night that had changed everything. God, that night was supposed to have changed everything but not like it had.

We shouldn’t have been standing on a quiet stretch of road high in the Hollywood Hills with his gun aimed at my heart.

But we were there. He’d put us there.

The fury returned, making it easy for me to take the gun from him, release the clip and eject the bullet from the chamber before dropping the useless weapon to the ground. JJ hadn’t even registered that his gun was in pieces on the ground when I grabbed him by the lapels of his suit jacket and practically threw him onto the trunk of my car.

“I think you and I need to have a little chat,” I growled as JJ struggled to catch his breath.

“Fuck you,” he managed to choke out.

“I think you can do better than that, sweetheart,” I drawled.

“Fuck you, you murdering piece of shit!” JJ snapped. He took a half-hearted swing at me, but I was heavier than him and had been trained by the best when it came to subduing people, not to mention maiming and killing them.

The United States Marine Corps.

“That little girl was only ten years old!” JJ continued. “Did you make her watch while you put a bullet in her mother’s brain or was it the other way around? Did her mother have to watch her child⁠—”

That was all I let him get out. I brought down my right fist hard on the trunk right next to JJ’s head. Pain radiated from my hand outward to my arm.

“You of all people,” I snarled before snapping my mouth shut. I let the sting of his words drown beneath the sharp pain in my hand.

“Leave no witnesses, right, Cass? The Marines teach you that? Did they teach you how to toy with your victims first or was that just you?” JJ continued, seemingly uncaring of the danger he was in. His breathing had improved since I’d eased some of my weight off him.

“What the fuck do you know about anything?” I yelled. My emotions were all over the place. I wanted to feel more physical pain because JJ’s emotional hits were worse. To hear him actually say the words after everything that had happened…

JJ shoved me hard enough that I was forced to release him. This time, he was on the attack.

“I know that they’re going to put you back where you belong. I know it tore my brother apart to find out his best friend tried to kill his little brother. I know… I know…” His voice cracked.

“You know what?” I shouted because if he was going to come at me with everything he had then I wanted it done because I knew I’d made a terrible mistake. I’d spent two years planning for this very moment but the sight of JJ, actually putting my hands on him, hearing his vicious words, only served to remind me of the things that had happened before that night. I wanted to laugh because I’d been feeding off the taste of betrayal for so long that I’d forgotten what I’d really been hanging on to… what had kept me going every day of a life that had no longer been my own.

Hope.

Hope that JJ would admit the truth. Hope that we could go back to what we’d been. Hope that maybe this time he’d fight for me, for us.

JJ didn’t miss a beat. “I know you took something from me that night. Something you had no right to take. I know that I wish you’d had better aim because leaving me this way…”

My anger flatlined as I watched JJ coming apart at the same time that he was desperately clinging to control. To know he wished the bullet had hit its mark made me physically ill. What the fuck did his last words mean, anyway? I’d never seen him more physically fit or known him to be so bold, not mincing his words at all.

“What way?” I asked.

JJ remained quiet for several beats. He seemed to deflate like a tire that had picked up a nail.

“I trusted you,” he finally said in a whisper. “As much as I trusted my brother.”

The despair in his voice broke something inside of me.

“Finish it, Cass. Finish it or go and never come back,” JJ said quietly, his eyes holding mine with weary determination.

His words were like a slap in the face, another knife being plunged into my back.

“You’re not the only one who lost,” I responded before I could stop myself. I shook my head and glanced at the tiny pebbles that lined the road’s shoulder. I suddenly felt tired. Tired and unsatisfied.

“Go to hell, JJ,” I managed to say before I moved past him so I could get in my car and do what JJ had said.

Go.

Go and never come back.

CHAPTER 4

Jj

Ishould have been relieved as Cass brushed past me. Based on his demeanor, I knew he wasn’t going for any kind of weapon, so I should have been thanking the man upstairs for letting me off so easy. Cass hadn’t been a guy to fuck with before he’d gone to prison.

Actually seeing the man in the flesh made me realize how stupid I’d been when I’d told Axel we had a tail and to get our charge to safety while I confronted whoever was following us. I’d already known who it was, of course, and I’d ignored every one of Axel’s orders to get back in the car. My frustrated colleague had finally followed protocol and done his job… get our charge to safety first.

I’d been so certain I was ready to confront Cass in person after seeing only images of him via the media. His hair had been much longer than I remembered. He’d always kept it short since that was what the military had required. It was still the deep shade of brown it had always been, but he was no longer clean shaven. His lips, those had been drawn tight with fury. I’d never been on the receiving end of that look. I’d only seen him smiling. Even with all the horrors he’d likely seen as he’d served his country, he was always smiling whenever he’d been able to come home between deployments.

His striking blue eyes had sucked me in from the moment he’d pressed his chest against the barrel of my gun. His physical transformation had kept me so preoccupied that he’d managed to disarm me like I’d been nothing more than a child playing with a toy gun. Cass was heavier than he’d been, but it was all muscle. He’d still had tattoos running up the length of his right arm but the beautiful image of a flock of blackbirds flying away from something had been marred by a long, thin scar. He’d been wearing a gold watch on his wrist and a matching chain around his neck, both gifts from his grandmother that he’d received when he’d turned eighteen. The combination had made him look dangerous and distinguished at the same time.

Despite the circumstances, my dick had noticed and admired every part of the man from his snug black T-shirt to his tight, denim-covered ass.

My body hurt from when Cass had thrown me onto the car. I’d been certain that his powerful fist had been meant for me, but it had hit the trunk instead.

Taking his anger out on his precious Mustang Boss—his dream car. That had been unexpected.

In the few seconds between Cass releasing me and walking away, anger and confusion took over and I strode after him, grabbing his arm without thinking. The man immediately turned, knocked my hold loose and grabbed my wrist, painfully twisting it. His eyes were wild as he scanned our surroundings, seeming not to notice he was on the verge of snapping my wrist. Tears stung my eyes as I tried to wrestle free of his hold. I may as well have been trying to free my hand from a block of cement.

I didn’t recognize this Cass. Seconds ago, he’d acted like I was at fault for everything that had happened and now he was exactly like he’d probably been on the night he’d killed three people before shooting me and leaving me for dead.

“Cass,” I said softly even as pain consumed my entire arm. I hadn’t wanted to say anything. I’d just wanted to fight my way free of his painful hold on me and walk in any direction that he wasn’t, his cryptic statement about losing something too be damned.

A split second after his name left my lips, he dropped my arm like it was burning him. I bit back the moan of pain that was trying to escape my throat as I cradled my injured hand. For the briefest of moments, he seemed confused, then distressed. Then, just like that, he was turning his back on me again.

Despite his harsh lesson, I couldn’t let his words go.

You’re not the only one who lost.

What the hell did that mean? Was the asshole trying to somehow justify what he’d done?

“What did you lose, huh? A couple years of your life? This stupid fucking car?” I snapped as I glanced at the Mustang. I still remembered when he’d had the heap of junk towed to our house. He’d been so excited to finally have something of his own.

Something his family couldn’t touch… something they couldn’t take from him.

Jesus, JJ, get a grip.

“Oh, I know,” I continued. “You lost access to all your daddy’s money. I guess he didn’t grease enough palms to get you out sooner. Or did whoever paid you to take out that witness⁠—”

That was all I got out before he turned, wrapped his fingers around the back of my neck, dragged me toward him and slammed his mouth down on mine. I opened mine to order him to release me, but no words came out and not just because his tongue dipped between my lips. I was too busy welcoming his intrusion.

If he’d intended the kiss to be some kind of harsh punishment then a few wires in his brain must have gotten crossed because the kiss, as hungry as it was, was also painfully gentle.

Seeking.

Cherishing.

I didn’t want gentle or any of that other shit.

I didn’t want a lot of things in that moment.

Most of all, I didn’t want him to stop, which was exactly what he was planning to do because he was loosening his hold on the back of my neck.

I left the past behind me and didn’t give one cent about the future. I wanted here and now. I wanted time to stop. I wanted to know what it was really like to be kissed, but I didn’t want just anyone to show me that. I wanted it to be Cass. It had to be Cass.

A few guys had tried to kiss me as they’d fucked me, but I’d always turned my mouth away because it had always felt strangely wrong to allow that level of intimacy.

Nothing about what was happening in this moment felt wrong, so as Cass began to pull back, I followed. I took control of the kiss. It should have felt awkward and weird because I’d never kissed any of the guys I’d been with before my life had gone to hell. Even my first boyfriend, who’d been more of a fuck buddy than anything else, hadn’t kissed me.

So why did it feel so natural now? Why did it feel like I’d been doing it my entire adult life? Why did Cass’s soft groan as my tongue mated with his make butterflies dance in my belly? Why did I feel hot all over?

The answer was that I didn’t give a shit. I’d been given a taste and now I wanted the whole bottle.

I threaded my fingers through Cass’s soft hair and angled his head so I could take full possession of the kiss. My entire body felt ready to go off like a rocket, but there was one particular part of me that was nearly there.

From a kiss.

From his kiss.

I forced myself to break the kiss long enough to draw in some much-needed air. I was already pulling Cass’s mouth back down to mine when he whispered, “JJ.”

It wasn’t that he said my name… it was the way he said it that had reality slapping me in the face. His voice was soft, sweet, needy… relieved.

He might as well have followed Sully’s example of how to get my attention. A bucket full of cold water and a couple dozen ice cubes.

I shoved Cass backwards.

Hard.

Only he didn’t have far to go because at some point when I’d taken control of the kiss, I’d taken control of him too because his back was plastered up against the side of his car and I was the one pinning him there.

“Oh, Jesus,” I croaked as I stepped back and wiped my hand across my mouth.

Thankfully, Cass didn’t say anything or try to take me into his arms again. I couldn’t read his expression at first but there was no missing the moment when whatever thing had caused him to kiss me in the first place disappeared. His face hardened as he glanced at the hand I’d wiped my mouth with and then he was gone. In his car, tires squealing, engine roaring.

Gone.

Sharp, blinding light hit my right eye and then my brain was on fire as flames licked along my scar. It was all I could do to remain standing. I had no awareness of anything but the agonizing pain in my head. There was no image this time, but it didn’t matter. I knew the cause.

I had no idea how long I stood there for or if anyone drove past me. It could have been minutes or hours before the stabbing pain behind my eye eased enough for me to take stock of my surroundings. My gun still lay on the shoulder of the road, the clip a few inches away. My jacket, which the hot sun had turned into my own personal oven, was rumpled and pushed off my shoulders just the slightest bit. Had I done that or had Cass?

Fuck, what difference did it make?

My phone began vibrating in my jacket pocket, but I didn’t answer it right away. I needed to get my shit together first. I laughed harshly. It was a little late for that. I’d just made out with the man who’d killed a federal agent, the witness he’d been assigned to protect, and the innocent child who’d been too young to really understand what was happening. Cass had murdered all three in cold blood, but he’d fucked up when it had been my turn. He’d left a witness.

Though I really hadn’t been much of one. Cass’s bullet had seen to that.

I grabbed my gun and put the clip back in. I searched out the bullet that Cass had ejected from the chamber and added it to the clip.

An approaching car had me pulling myself together so I once again looked like the professional I was supposed to be. I was surprised to see that it was the SUV I’d been riding around in for the better part of a week.

“I told you not to come back for me,” I grumbled when Axel stepped out from behind the steering wheel.

“And I told you to call me in five or I would be coming back,” the good-looking guy responded. The man should have ticked all of the boxes on my roster of guys that I wanted to fuck for real.

He wasn’t on it.

No one was.

Well, no one had been.

“Did you get the guy? The tail?” Axel asked. I could hear our outraged client yelling from the back seat about being late for something, but I drowned out the rest of her words.

“Yeah… wasn’t a tail. Just some harmless kid in his dad’s muscle car hoping to get her attention.” I motioned toward the back seat. “I’ve got his information so we can run background on him if we need to.”

Axel held my gaze for a moment, his dark eyes searching out my words for any lies. I kept my cool as I made my way to the passenger side of the car, but my thoughts were consumed with wondering how long Cass had been following me for and to what end. If he’d wanted me dead, he’d had every opportunity to do the job and be gone long before anyone appeared to witness the event. I’d only noticed his car the day before and while I’d been sure it was him based on the Mustang alone, I’d had to be one hundred percent certain. The second I’d seen him that morning as we’d reached our charge’s house, I’d confirmed it was him and had begun planning how to confront him.

I hadn’t had any legal reason to stop him, but legalities hadn’t been my first concern when I’d realized the man who’d tried to kill me two years earlier, a man I’d ironically trusted with my life at that time, was following me, probably to finish the job.

I avoided Axel’s glances as he got the car moving again and simultaneously calmed down the actress as she demanded an explanation for what had happened. I didn’t pay her any attention because I was too focused on one question and one question only.

Would Cass leave and never come back as I’d ordered?

The question wasn’t really the issue, though. It was the answer that had me rattled. Cass needed to go anywhere that I wasn’t.

Problem was, the knot in my stomach didn’t ease at the thought of never seeing Cass again. It only grew and tightened until my body was so rife with tension that it had Axel asking me, “You okay?”

No.

I definitely wasn’t the fuck okay.

“Yeah,” I said as evenly as I could. “All good.”

I glanced at Axel, who seemed satisfied with my response.

At least someone was, because I sure as shit wasn’t.

CHAPTER 5

Cass

“Tell Sully to get his fucking ass down here!” I snapped the second I yanked the front door open to reveal the Targes lobby.

Michael jumped to his feet behind the reception desk. He backed up so fast that his head hit the bottom of the Targes logo sign which was made of a combination of metal and glass. I knew I should apologize for scaring the kid, but my blood was boiling and it felt like every nerve ending was raw and exposed.

What the fuck had I done?

I’d kissed JJ, that was what I’d done. Worse, I’d let him kiss me back. If I thought I’d just wanted to bury my dick inside the man one time so I could be free of him forever, JJ had just proven to me that I wanted to do so many more things to him. I wanted him to do those things to me too. I just… wanted.

“Fuck,” I muttered. I looked up in the direction of Sully’s office. The building was a renovated warehouse, so it was mostly open space except for the few offices that were on the second floor, much like a loft layout.

“Sully!” I yelled. I could still taste JJ’s sweet flavor on my tongue. I could feel the way he’d taken over the kiss… and me.

I could also still hear the ice dripping from his voice as he’d described the way I’d supposedly killed a little girl and her mother.

I had no fucking clue what kind of game Sully was playing with me, but I was done. I was out. Fury clung to every part of me. It was now a constant, painful itch beneath my skin. God, I’d been so sure that JJ would admit what had really happened that night—that he’d have some kind of reasonable explanation for locking me in a cell for two years of my life.

“Sully—”

“I’m here,” Sully said quietly. He appeared from a side door, presumably one of many that led up to the offices as well as down to the lower level where the training equipment was located.

Sully’s voice and movements were calm and slow.

Like he was talking to a cornered wild animal.

An injured animal that only wanted to escape.

“Mikey, why don’t you go take a break,” Sully said softly, easing his big body between mine and Michael’s. The kid was shaking like a leaf, and I could see silent tears sliding down his cheeks. Jesus, the kid hadn’t been as freaked out the day I’d pointed a gun at him. What the hell must I look like to warrant the dramatic response?

I wanted to apologize to the young man. I really did. But no words came.

“What happened?” Sully began once his assistant had left the room. I hadn’t even noticed that several men had appeared seemingly out of nowhere. They were all large and fit with a few of them dressed in crisp black suits and a couple who’d clearly been sparring, based on their shirtless bodies and taped hands.

Most of the men looked at me with disgust. After all, they had a murderer standing in their midst.

A part of me wanted to take them all on. I wanted to cause pain just like I wanted to feel it. Anything to escape the emotions JJ had stirred up inside me. Emotions I’d been so sure that I’d had under control.

Sully waved the men away. They disappeared as silently as they’d come.

“Find someone else because I’m done!” I snapped. I began pacing back and forth in the large lobby.

Despite the high ceilings and long hallways, the place still wasn’t large enough. All my senses were on alert and adrenaline was spiking through my veins.

“I’ll go to my grandmother to get the money to pay you back,” I continued. Then I was striding for the front door.

“You talked to him,” Sully said quietly.

I laughed out loud. “Talked” wasn’t exactly the word I would have used to explain what had happened on that canyon road.

“You knew what would happen,” I said accusingly as I stood where I was, hand on the door that would lead me outside where I could once again feel the sun on my skin and breathe in the smog-filled city air; things I’d taken for granted before being locked up.

When Sully didn’t answer, I spun around. “Was all this a game to you? Some kind of fucking setup?” I snarled. I kept scanning my surroundings as I waited for Sully’s men to attack me from all sides.

“It wasn’t a game, Cass,” Sully responded sadly. He slowly moved to the reception counter and leaned against it. “It was… a test.”

“Test?” I asked in disbelief. “I haven’t spoken to you in two years and yet you go and mortgage your house, the only thing you have left of your parents, and pay some camera-hungry criminal defense attorney to get me out of prison for a… test?”

I found myself striding forward. “You intentionally put me in your debt so you could get me to follow your brother around for a fucking test?” I growled. I was nearly chest to chest with Sully. “What was the plan, Sully? To have some of your guys shadowing me so they could take me out the second I got near your brother? Make it look like one of them shot me in self-defense? You didn’t need to waste your money to do that. It would have been a hell of a lot cheaper if you’d paid off someone on the inside to get rid of me for good. Hell, if you’d just left me there, I probably would have offed myself inside a year, tops!”

When Sully didn’t respond, I turned on my heel and went for the front door. The bastard waited until I was once again on the verge of escaping before he spoke again.

“The test was for JJ.”

His words brought me to an abrupt halt. “What?” I asked dumbly because I was sure I’d heard him wrong.

“Come to my office, Cass. I’ll tell you all of it.”

“Tell me here!” I growled. I forced myself to turn but I remained near the door. I could feel the walls closing in on me. I could hear the soft hiss of the cell door sliding shut.

Sully dropped his eyes and took in a slow breath. “You haven’t read any of the papers since you got out. You haven’t watched the news about your case, have you?”

“Why the fuck would I? I lived it, you asshole,” I responded. I pointed in the direction Sully’s men had gone. “You saw the way they just looked at me! Why do I need to see that on every paper, cell phone, and TV screen from here to the fucking North Pole?”

Sully went to sit in one of four large leather armchairs. He motioned to the chair opposite him. If I sat, we’d be looking straight at each other with only half a dozen feet separating us. “Move it closer to the door if you want, Cass, but I think you’ll want to sit when you hear what I have to tell you. You can leave at any time. There’s a doorstop to the left of the door. You can use it to prop the door open if you want.”

The harsh reminder about my inability to be in a room when the door was closed was another punch to the gut. As much as I hated the need to do it, I went to the door and propped it open, then returned to sit across from Sully. I wondered if he’d put the doorstop there just for me. Son of a bitch was too fucking observant.

I hated that I had no fucking clue what words were going to come out of his mouth, but I was desperate for answers because nothing made sense. It hadn’t since the night I’d been physically dragged away from JJ’s body and placed in cuffs. I’d been driven off in a police car as paramedics had begun the task of trying to save JJ’s life.

“Hiring Hutch to get you out of prison and asking you to shadow JJ were two separate things,” Sully began. “From the moment you were charged, I was trying to find some way to get you out but then things just got… complicated and⁠—”

“Why?” I interjected.

“What do you mean ‘why,’ you dick?” Sully responded angrily. “Because I knew you didn’t do it. And before you ask me how I knew that, the answer is because you are and have been my best fucking friend for more than half our lives. JJ has been in your life since he was a little kid. You treated him like a little brother from day one. You protected him, you encouraged him, you comforted him when he wished he could remember our mother.” Sully shook his head like he couldn’t believe I’d ever think the worst of him.

“You never reached out to me while I was in jail waiting for my trial. You let me sit in a cell for two days not knowing if JJ had lived or died. My piece-of-shit lawyer was the one who told me JJ had pulled through!” I shouted.

“Fuck, Cass, would you just shut up and listen?” Sully responded in frustration.

“I don’t need to listen, Sully, because there’s one glaring fact that you can’t explain away. JJ was my alibi for that night, but he never spoke up. He never once came to my defense, and based on all the shit he just said to me, it’s obvious why he didn’t.” I climbed to my feet. “Because he believes all of it. Despite everything that happened between us before that night—” I let my words drop off as I realized what I’d been about to say.

“I knew what was happening between the two of you,” Sully said.

This time, there was no escaping his words. I sank back down into the chair, suddenly grateful for its support.

“How? When?” I managed to get out.

“A blind man would have been able to see the way you two looked at each other when you got home after your last tour was over. The way you were both conveniently busy at the same times those few nights before the shooting…”

“Fuck,” I muttered as I ran my fingers through my hair. “Sully, nothing happened. We talked. We kissed once. JJ, he wanted to come out to you before anything else happened. He was afraid because he knew⁠—”

“He knew our father wouldn’t have approved,” Sully finished. “JJ was right. Dad read that Bible of his every night, and he made sure we were at mass every Sunday. He came from a family of Irish Catholics who lived by the word of God. I want to believe that he would have tried to accept it… that he wouldn’t turn his back on his own son. Back then there wasn’t a lot of wiggle room for kids like JJ and you.” Sully paused before adding, “And me.”

I stared at him in disbelief. “I never knew,” I murmured.

“I didn’t know about you until you got home and saw JJ all grown up. JJ tried to hide it from me; he still does. We were all under the same illusion that if we said anything, we’d lose everything. I’ve never confronted JJ about it because it’s not my right. He’ll tell me if and when he’s ready,” Sully said firmly.

“So you knew about us,” I prodded since I figured our sexual identities weren’t really a top priority. I still needed answers. “So why the fuck does JJ believe⁠—”

“He doesn’t remember, Cass.”

“What?” I said laughingly as I tried to make sense of Sully’s words. When he dropped his eyes, I realized he wasn’t fucking around with me. “What are you talking about?” I asked even as my mind started putting pieces of the last two years together. I felt like I was on some crazy roller coaster that had lost its brakes.

“JJ doesn’t remember anything from the night of the shooting or several months of time before it. He doesn’t even remember you coming home that last time. Everything he believes about the shooting has come from the papers or the news, and he didn’t see any of that until six months after you were convicted.”

I shook my head. “No… no.” I had no idea what exactly it was that I was trying to deny.

“After the shooting, he ended up in surgery for eight hours. The bullet was a through and through, and while all the doctors and nurses considered it a medical miracle that it hadn’t killed him, there was nothing miraculous about what came after. Yes, the bullet missed several vital parts of his brain by centimeters, but it still left behind a lot of damage. JJ was put in a medically induced coma for months to give his brain time to heal. When the doctors tried to bring him out of it, he didn’t wake up. They weren’t sure if he’d ever wake up. That was one of the reasons I didn’t reach out to you. I was afraid of what you’d do if you found out he was barely clinging to life. I wasn’t sure how deep your feelings went, but I needed you to believe JJ had turned on you.”

“Why?” I asked. I felt like I was going to be sick. “I should have been at his side. I should have been holding his hand and telling him about all the things we were going to do when he woke up,” I said absently, not caring at the moment about my original question of “why.”

I didn’t know how long it was before Sully answered me. It felt like seconds and days at the same time. I’d nearly lost JJ not once, but twice. Sully’s voice sounded overly loud when he suddenly answered my question about why it needed to look like JJ had turned on me.

“Because I don’t believe those witnesses were the real target. I saw the police reports and took a look at the crime scene myself. I knew a guy who could hack into the police radio logs. The district attorney who’d stashed that lady and her kid at that apartment had an FBI agent on them twenty-four seven, but he’d also asked the police chief for a plainclothes officer to provide additional support. JJ never would have left his post until his replacement had arrived. According to the logs, his replacement got there two minutes before JJ left the scene. JJ’s replacement never radioed in after that. Turns out the officer who was supposed to relieve him never even made it to the scene. He was killed in a car crash four miles away and ten minutes before the call came in from the so called ‘replacement’ who relieved JJ.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. The shooting had started after JJ had been relieved of duty. His replacement should have seen or heard something. He sure as hell would have called in the “officer down” code once he’d seen that JJ or the federal agent had been gunned down.

“The apartment was clean. Execution-style bullets to the two victims inside. Same for the agent. He never even made it out of his car. Gunman used a silencer. Only part that didn’t make sense was JJ. He’d already left his post. His car was found around the corner, far enough away that he wouldn’t have heard the shots. There was no radio call about shots fired at the scene.”

“I didn’t hear them either,” I murmured. “JJ and I were supposed to meet up so we could go to a diner that was just up the block and talk about how to tell you we were seeing each other.”

“What did you see?” Sully asked.

I didn’t want to relive the moment because it was the worst one in my life. I’d had nightmares about it every night afterwards. I still did.

“Um, I had parked a few cars down. I was leaning against my car while I waited for him. I didn’t see his car or anything but a few minutes after we’d agreed to meet up, I saw him walking toward me. He was walking in the street, not on the sidewalk. I started to walk toward him and then I heard the pop,” I explained. I could feel the tears stinging the backs of my eyes.

“I saw JJ go down. I just… I froze. It seemed like everything was happening in slow motion. When I did finally start running, I couldn’t get to him fast enough. It was dark so I couldn’t really see much but I… when I pulled him onto my lap, I could feel the blood running down my arm. I kept telling him to wake the fuck up.” I shook my head because my throat was closing off, making it nearly impossible to speak.

A warm hand covered mine where I had it clenched on my thigh. I hadn’t even noticed Sully move while I’d been telling him what I remembered.

“I can’t prove it, but I don’t think that mother and her child were the ultimate target. I think they were just a cover to throw off the cops. My theory is that either you or JJ were the target,” Sully explained.

I shook my head. My brain couldn’t comprehend anything but what it had believed for two long years. “No, that doesn’t make sense.”

“The kid and her mom, along with that agent, were shot after JJ was. Why bother to go after JJ at all? He was already around the block. Even if he’d somehow managed to hear the shots, he would have called out to you and run back toward the scene. By then the killer would have been long gone.”

“Jesus,” I said in disbelief. “You think JJ was targeted either because he knew something he shouldn’t or because someone was setting me up?” The truth hit me like a ton of bricks. “Either way, he wasn’t supposed to live,” I realized. The sensation of his hot blood running down my arm put me right back in the middle of that street. JJ had literally been dying in my arms and I’d done nothing.

“No, he wasn’t,” Sully confirmed. “While he was in surgery that night, I asked some friends to join me at the hospital to help keep an eye on JJ. There was no way I could keep the fact that he’d survived the shooting out of the news, so I didn’t try. I played the role of the protective older brother caught up in the mystery of why my best friend would try to kill my kid brother. When JJ finally woke up from the coma, he couldn’t talk, walk, feed himself… nothing. He had to learn how to do all those things over again. When he finally started to get better, he asked⁠—”

“He asked what happened,” I said bleakly as I processed how I’d treated JJ less than an hour earlier.

“The doctors said the damage to his memory could have been caused by the bullet, but it also could have been a psychological response to protect his mind from the trauma. They weren’t sure if he’d get his memory back or not. As devastated as I was, I knew I had to use it to my advantage. I let it leak to the press that he didn’t remember anything about that night and never would. I told JJ that I believed you had tried to kill him.”

“You needed to take the bullseye off him,” I murmured.

“I didn’t know how else to keep him safe. I’ve had him shadowed around the clock for the last two years. I only used guys I trusted with my own life.”

“And you left me in prison,” I said.

“Fuck, Cass, I’m so sorry but as fucked up as it sounds, I knew you were safe in there. Safe from whoever might have been trying to set you up. I knew what prison would do to you but⁠—”

I shook my head because it was all I could think to do. Sully had no idea that prison hadn’t been just prison for me. Yes, my military training had prepared me to keep my body safe, but the damage done to my mind… that was a whole other thing. It didn’t matter, though. JJ’s life had been at stake and Sully had done the right thing by focusing all his efforts on keeping his little brother safe. I was grateful for that, which warranted keeping the truth about my imprisonment from him. “You knew I was strong enough to survive it,” I responded.

“I waited over a year before I started quietly trying to find a lawyer who’d take your case. Hutch was the only one who would. I’d already sunk all my savings into this place, so I mortgaged the house. JJ was still pretty fucked up. His injuries meant he couldn’t go back to the force, which was another thing he blamed you for. He spent months going to shitty bars and clubs, hooking up with random guys night after night and drinking enough that he could forget everything he’d lost.”

I know you took something from me that night. Something you had no right to take. I know that I wish you’d had better aim because leaving me this way…

JJ’s mysterious words now made sense. I’d taken his trust that night, or so he believed.

Just like I’d believed he’d betrayed me.

“So you asked me to shadow him because you wanted us to come face to face at some point,” I said in understanding.

Sully let out a harsh breath and stood. This time he was the one pacing like a wild animal. “I’ve spent the past six months getting him back on his feet. The cop in him is still there. He’s got great instincts, he’s the best shooter I’ve got… he just needs to get his focus back. He needs something that’s worth waking up for every morning. The one thing holding him back is⁠—”

“Me,” I responded. “You were hoping if he and I confronted each other, he’d remember that night. He’d remember it, but he’d also know that he had to keep playing the role of not knowing what happened. You need him to fill in the blanks.”

“I need you both to fill in the blanks. Yes, I wanted him to remember you, but I also wanted you to remember him. To remember who he truly is… and was. Especially with you. I know you better than you know yourself, Cass. No one can protect him better than you. My guys are skilled, but they don’t have any kind of connection with JJ other than a professional one. Both of you deserve to know the truth about what went down that night, but there’s no chance of that happening if you walk away. But I also can’t force JJ into remembering. He can’t know the truth until he remembers it for himself, and that’s assuming he even will remember. I know I’m a selfish prick who doesn’t deserve your forgiveness for doing this, for letting you rot in that place⁠—”

“Enough,” I interrupted with a wave of my hand. My brain was misfiring with too much information.

It was all just too much.

“I’ve gotta go,” I said evenly. Everything was so jumbled in my head that I didn’t know left from right or up from down. My body cranked into autopilot because I had to get away. From Sully, from JJ, from the truth, the lies… all of it. The only thing I knew how to do was the same thing JJ had asked me to do.

Leave and never look back.

CHAPTER 6

Jj

“Hey, you okay?”

The voice wasn’t particularly loud, but considering my head felt like it was going to twist right off my body, the guy could have been screaming in my ear.

I was sick of the question that my brother and pretty much everyone I’d come into contact with during the past week kept asking me.

Well, that wasn’t quite true. Only one or two of the guys who’d fucked me at Tank’s had asked me that, probably because I’d been so unresponsive. I hadn’t even been able to fake the moans of pleasure my hookups liked to hear while they were fucking me. Thankfully, none of the guys had been interested in getting me off, so they hadn’t noticed or hadn’t cared that my dick had remained limp the entire time.

“Yeah,” I muttered as I reached into my pocket for the small bottle of aspirin.

The guy I was with was new. Luckily, he was even less chatty than Axel, who’d barely spoken more than a handful of words to me outside of the ones related to the job.

Boone. That was this guy’s name. I had no clue if it was his first name or his last. I didn’t really care, either. It could have been anyone behind the wheel; I wasn’t looking at faces.

Just like I hadn’t looked at any of the faces of the men who’d used my body the first few nights I’d gone to Tank’s after my disturbing run-in with Cass.

I would have liked to dismiss my pounding head as the result of drinking too much the night before, but I hadn’t had even a drop of alcohol when I’d gotten to Tank’s. I hadn’t had any guys, either. I’d sat at the bar for half an hour sipping a glass of club soda. Several men had come up to me and spoken things in my ear in an effort to steal me away from the bar, but I hadn’t responded to any of them. Not physically and not verbally.

There’d been only one man on my mind and while it had been a week since our encounter, thoughts of Cass and that kiss—that goddamn kiss—had taken up most of the real estate in my head for the entire seven days.

My run-in with Cass had sent me scrambling to Tank’s the second Axel and I had been relieved of duty for the day. I’d immediately tossed back enough shots of cheap scotch to make my head spin and then I’d let some guy tug me off the barstool and to the back of the club. We hadn’t even made it to the bathroom before the guy had pressed me face-first against the wall, yanked my jeans down and thrust himself inside of me. I’d lost track of how many men had taken me after that. I’d lost track of a lot of things.

Time.

Place.

People.

But not Cass.

My mind hadn’t been able to disconnect from reality like it always had before while nameless, faceless men used me. I hadn’t been able to lose myself in the haze where I was no longer JJ, the former cop turned fuck toy for complete strangers. The price to get to that place was high and included doing a lot of ugly shit, things I never would have even considered doing before a bullet had ripped through my brain, but once I was in there, the silence, warmth, and safety were worth it because I got to be any version of the JJ I wanted to be before I’d lost a chunk of my life to a bullet and endless darkness.

In that dreamlike place, I could be the kid who’d helped the guy I’d hero-worshipped build his dream car. It let me be the JJ who’d made both his father and brother so proud when he’d graduated from the LAPD police academy. The silence had given me permission to go back to any moment in my life that I wanted. Time always stopped in that place, and it let me remain hidden until the numbing effects of the alcohol wore off. When I was really lucky, I got to see the woman who’d given birth to me. I’d had to make up a voice for her because I couldn’t remember her real one, but I hadn’t been there to talk anyway. I’d just walked into my mother’s waiting arms and sobbed as she’d held me and promised me that everything would be okay.

Unfortunately, I hadn’t been able to find that peace again from the moment Cass had grabbed me on the side of that canyon road and kissed me. I’d tried to forget the feel of his mouth moving over mine by downing shots between a couple of rough fucks, but the place I’d needed to escape to hadn’t materialized, and I’d sat at the bar sipping club soda until I was sober enough to drive or at least hail my own cab.

The previous night had been my third night where I hadn’t even bothered to tie one on and let someone fuck me in the hopes of getting back to my dream world. In fact, I had physically cringed when any man had tried to touch me, and any drinks a guy had bought me in the hopes of buying my compliance had remained untouched. I would have given anything to say it was because my mind was preoccupied by the physical danger I was in from Cass, but my bullshit meter had an annoying way of working when there was no alcohol to silence it.

The reality was that I was worried about Cass, but not because of any physical harm he might be looking to inflict upon me.

No amount of alcohol could wash away the taste of his kiss. I didn’t want just any guy holding me in place while he took control of my body. It was Cass’s weight pinning me against the trunk of his car that still made my dick throb with need a week after it had happened. My neck had continued to tingle where he’d grabbed me just before his mouth had covered mine. His heat, his strength, his beauty—everything about Cass had consumed my senses.

The most sickening part of every moment after Cass and I had kissed was the fact that any man who’d touched me from that night on had made my stomach cramp with more than too much liquor in its system. I hadn’t made it to my quiet place those first few nights, no matter how many guys had shoved their dicks inside of me or how many times I’d demanded to be fucked harder, faster, deeper. I’d never found physical satisfaction with any of the men I’d been with. Not a single one. That wasn’t what the guys had been for. They’d been to help me reach those too-short moments of peace. After Cass had kissed me and I hadn’t found that peace with any of the guys at Tank’s, it had gotten so much worse.

While I’d been sobering up at the bar or stumbling to my room after Tank had refused to return my car keys to me, there was only one thing I felt. This god-awful, unbelievable level of guilt.

Guilt.

I might not have exactly been proud of the things I did at Tank’s in the past, but I’d never felt guilty about any of it. So to feel that powerful emotion every night from the moment Cass had kissed me was slowly eating away at me.

I owed the man nothing.

Less than nothing, if there was such a thing.

Yet even now, my stomach ached as shame ate away at my insides. It felt like… like being with all those guys the first few nights after Cass had kissed me had been wrong. Not because of the recklessness of my behavior but because every dick inside me, every hand holding me in place, every dirty word spoken in my ear had made it feel like I’d been giving something away that belonged to someone else.

In simple terms, I felt like I’d cheated on Cass.

That was when I’d switched from alcohol to club soda at Tank’s before going home. I hadn’t let any man touch me. I hadn’t wanted any man to touch me.

Well, that wasn’t quite the truth.

There was one man…

“Where the fuck are those guys?” I heard Boone snap. His anger was enough to pull me from my thoughts of Cass. I realized we’d just driven through the actress’s driveway gate. I immediately saw the same thing Boone had.

No black SUV.

No guards.

The men we’d been sent to relieve had left their post early. Protocol stated that the client was never left without at least one Targes agent standing guard.

“Fucking mercenary wannabes,” Boone said angrily.

Before my brother had even gotten his business fully off the ground, it had gotten more attention than he’d expected. The fact that Targes supplied protection to clients who traveled all around the world had added to the problem. My brother just hadn’t been ready for such quick growth. He still wasn’t. So he was temporarily using contract help—guys who met the minimum qualifications for the job but weren’t full-time employees and probably never would be. They were guys who thought executive protection in LA meant being part of the glitz and glamour of movie premieres, playing the part of big, badass bodyguard to beautiful actresses and supermodels and rubbing elbows with the biggest names in Hollywood. They were also guys who didn’t care about things like rules and protocols.

“Shit,” I said the second the SUV came to an abrupt stop at the front door.

It was wide open.

“Going around back,” Boone said as he pulled his gun from his shoulder holster. I did the same but went for the front door. My police training kicked in as I began clearing the rooms one by one. Like so many of the houses in the neighborhood, this one was built into the hill. From the front it appeared to be one level but once inside it turned into a two-story. The lower level consisted of an assortment of rooms including a gym, sauna, and outdoor pool. Since I knew Boone would cover that floor as he entered the house from the back, I continued clearing rooms on the main level. As badly as I wanted to reach the young woman’s bedroom, I knew better than to rush my search.

By the time I did reach her door, my heart was pounding, and my head was throbbing. My palm was slick as I turned the knob. It didn’t take long to find her. Muffled sobs were coming from the balcony along with hushed whispers. I moved further into the room, making sure to keep my back protected while still maintaining a visual on the balcony. I sensed Boone’s presence in the bedroom doorway behind me. Without looking at him, I signaled in the direction of the balcony.

It felt like it took forever to reach the open sliding door that led to a spacious balcony. I already knew that its design offered several weak spots in terms of areas where someone could place themselves and not be in immediate sight of the door.

That wasn’t the case this time.

As soon as I reached the door, I spotted the young actress and the man standing behind her. The man was glassy-eyed and nervous. He had one hand over the woman’s mouth and the other had a gun pressed against her ribs.

“Everything okay, Jenna?” I asked.

The woman was crying but she nodded, which was smart of her.

The guy leaned in and whispered something in Jenna’s ear. He shoved the gun hard into her side when it took her too long to open her mouth after he dropped his hand so she could speak.

“You, um, you can go. I’m okay. He’s a friend of mine. He’s not going to hurt me.”

I had to applaud Jenna’s ability to stay calm. She’d always struck me as some whiny, loud, overindulged young woman who thought the world revolved around her. Although there hadn’t been any credible evidence that she had been in any true danger beyond a couple of explicit and disturbing so-called love letters from a fan, my brother had taken her case as seriously as he did with any client who sought his help.

“She’s coming with me!” the guy screamed as he pointed the gun at me. Blinding pain scorched the length of my scar as all the nerve endings seemed to start misfiring one by one.

Not now. Not now.

Jenna’s terrified eyes helped me to ignore the pain and focus on the situation. I had enough cover to shield myself if the guy pulled the trigger, but I could tell he wasn’t there just yet. He still believed he could walk out of this with Jenna on his arm.

“She loves me,” the man continued. I could tell he was high on something. From the track marks on the inside of his elbow, it was likely heroin, but it could have been just about anything.

“I know she does,” I responded. I lowered my weapon since I knew Boone had my back. The guy was using Jenna as a human shield but if I could get the man to move even a little, Boone would have a clear shot.

“We’re just here because Jenna was telling us how wobbly this railing is,” I said as I moved a foot closer, enough to let me touch the balcony’s railing. “The guys are coming tomorrow to fix it, isn’t that right, Jenna?”

Jenna sucked in a harsh breath. “Yeah, yeah.”

“So how about you step away from the side so you and Jenna don’t get hurt. You don’t want Jenna to get hurt, do you?”

Between my comment about the railing and not letting Jenna get hurt, the guy seemed confused. He wasn’t completely out of it, though. He kept glancing at the ground below the balcony and then at me and Boone. I saw the moment that clarity returned, and I knew what he was going to do before he did it. When he shoved Jenna forward, I managed to catch her and take her to the ground with me as I covered her body with mine.

The guy’s gun went off but thankfully he was a shitty shot, so the bullet whizzed past us and shattered the glass door behind Boone. Between the glass breaking into a million pieces and Jenna and me in Boone’s line of sight, he couldn’t risk taking his own shot.

I released Jenna and launched myself at the guy before he could pull the trigger again. We both went over the railing, landing hard on the ground below. I’d hoped to use the guy to break my fall, but we hit the hard, dry dirt at the same time. The air left my lungs for several long seconds, enough time for the man to scramble away, his weapon still in hand. He began running down the steep hill behind Jenna’s house. At the bottom were a bunch of smaller houses. If I lost sight of the guy, he could easily shoot anyone who got in the way of his escape.

I managed to make it down the hill at a good clip without losing sight of the guy until he reached the base of the slope. There were two houses, each separated by their own six-foot-high wooden fencing. Between the two fences was a small gap. The guy was slim enough to quickly scramble through the gap while I lost several precious seconds since I had to angle my bigger body and still hold my weapon to cover myself if there were any vulnerable spots along the way. The far end of the gap was the biggest danger since I’d have no way of knowing if the guy was waiting there to ambush me or if he’d continued to make a run for it.

Fortunately, the man wasn’t waiting for me, but having to clear the immediate area gave him an even wider lead on me. I managed to catch a glimpse of him as he bolted across the street. I knew the layout of the neighborhood around Jenna’s house because every agent working the case had to study different maps and memorize the layout of the neighborhood before starting the job. The reconnaissance paid off because I knew exactly where the guy was going to end up.

I approached the small alley between two houses. It was where the owners kept their garbage cans and there was no way out of it except one—back through the alley’s entrance.

Which I now had control over. I was standing between the guy and his only means of escape. He was trapped like a wild animal, desperate and determined to flee.

Since the alley had several garbage cans that the guy could use for cover, I had no choice but to move to one side of the alley and use the wall for my own cover. “Put down your weapon and kick it away. Come on, buddy, let me see those hands,” I urged.

I didn’t expect the guy to actually do it and would have been happy to hold him there until the police got to the scene, but the untimely arrival of a teenager with a garbage bag in his hand changed everything. With his eyes glued to his cell phone and earbuds playing music so loud even I could hear it, he was completely oblivious to what was happening. Unfortunately, he was on the opposite side of the alley’s entrance, so I had no way to grab him and pull him out of the line of fire.

Everything after that happened in slow motion. I yelled at the kid to drop to the ground. Despite the loud music, he somehow heard me and followed the order, but not before the gunman stood. He aimed his gun at the boy, forcing me to step in the alley so I could take my shot. I yelled loud enough to divert the man’s attention so that he’d aim the gun at me, which he did.

Unfortunately, my brain chose that moment to do what it had been doing to me for months.

It failed me.

A grainy image appeared in my head followed by a current of electricity that made it feel like someone was trying to hot-wire my brain. Cold, wet asphalt met my body as it crumpled to the ground. Darkness surrounded me as ice began to spread from my gut out to my limbs. I could see the stars glittering in the night sky and all I could think was I had to be dreaming because the sky was never clear in LA. I heard someone yelling my name but then it was silent. I tried to fight the darkness that was there to steal me away from the night sky, the stars, and the familiar voice that had called out to me, but it was no use.

I had to go wherever the darkness was taking me, so I closed my eyes and hoped that when I woke back up, all those things would still be there. The night sky, the stars, and most importantly, that voice.

CHAPTER 7

Cass

“JJ.”

I kept repeating his name over and over because JJ seemed to be locked within himself. His eyes were open and he was still standing in the same spot he’d been in, but he hadn’t spoken or moved.

JJ’s response, or lack thereof, along with the close call was scaring the ever-loving shit out of me.

“Get back in the house,” I yelled at the kid who was still crouched on the ground. “Call 911.”

The kid took off, leaving me alone with JJ and the body of the man I’d shot.

“JJ,” I said again as I carefully turned him toward me. “JJ, baby, can you hear me?” I ran my palm along his cheek. My adrenaline was flying sky high.

Just like the night I’d watched JJ fall to his knees and then onto his back on the hard asphalt of a quiet street, I knew what had just happened would be a memory that would also haunt me for the rest of my days.

When I’d pulled my vehicle to a stop across the street from the actress’s house only a few minutes earlier, I’d been prepared to sit on my ass all day as I shadowed JJ. Then I’d seen him and another man exit their car, guns drawn. I’d immediately gotten out of my car and sprinted to the house, but I’d lost precious seconds as I’d climbed over the fence that lined the front of the actress’s property. My boots had just hit the driveway when I’d heard the gunshot.

The discharging weapon had immediately thrust me into the past and fear for JJ had taken over. I’d reached the back of the house just in time to see him climbing to his feet from beneath the upper floor balcony and running toward the steep slope behind the property. It hadn’t mattered to me who he had been chasing. All that had mattered was getting to JJ so I could back him up. The dry, crumbling soil and long brush had threatened to steal my feet right out from under me as I’d run full speed down the hill.

I’d reached the neighborhood below the actress’s house just as JJ had called out an order for someone to put down their weapon. I’d hugged the shadows of the tree-lined sidewalk until I’d made it to where his voice had come from.

There’d been no preparing myself for what I’d seen.

JJ standing in the entrance of an alley, weapon drawn but no cover to protect himself. The kid I’d ordered to call 911 had been crouched on the ground and there had been a man pointing a gun in the boy’s direction. I’d expected JJ to take his shot while the gunman was momentarily distracted by the kid’s presence, but he had merely stood there, his finger on the trigger. My heart had nearly stopped when the gunman had aimed his weapon at JJ.

And still, JJ hadn’t pulled the trigger.

I had my brutal military training and the chaos of combat to thank for what had happened next. I’d managed to step into the street about a hundred feet behind JJ and had pulled the trigger before I’d even come to a stop. My shot had cleared JJ’s body by a few inches before hitting the gunman in the head. As badly as I’d wanted to get to JJ, my training had forced me to go to the gunman to kick his weapon away from him before confirming he was dead. It was only then that I’d been able to get to JJ.

“JJ,” I repeated as I stroked his ashen face. I could hear sirens in the distance. I hoped to God that an ambulance was among them.

“Cass?” he murmured in confusion. Before I could confirm it was me, JJ moaned and grabbed his head, his fingers pressing against the scar that began at his temple and presumably ran the length of his head.

“Fuck,” he whispered as he bent over in pain.

“Breathe, JJ,” I said uselessly because I didn’t know what else to do. “Just breathe.”

I supported JJ as he crouched down. He didn’t sit, but he did cover his right eye with his hand. Fear consumed me just like it had when I’d held his nearly lifeless body in my arms. This time, though, JJ responded to my words. He began taking in deep breaths and holding them before letting them out.

“That’s it, baby,” I said as I rubbed his back. I kept silent after that as I let JJ work through the pain. Sweat dotted his brow, and his body twitched now and then. It seemed like hours had passed before he whispered something that I couldn’t make out.

“Cass?”

“Yeah, I’m here,” I responded. I couldn’t help but press my temple against his as I silently thanked whatever deity had been watching over him.

“What… what?” JJ asked as he tried to stand. He couldn’t do it on his own, so I wrapped my arm around his waist and supported his body until he stood up. I kept my hold on him until he finally started to become aware of his surroundings.

I removed the arm I had around his waist but didn’t fully lower it. I shifted my body so I was facing JJ. He still had his hand pressed against his eye and temple. His skin was ashen but with every deep breath he pulled in, the color began to return. I still had my arm behind him to catch him if he started to fall. I was surprised when his fingers wrapped around my other arm and squeezed it so hard I was sure I’d have bruises later. I didn’t give a shit. My discomfort was a drop in the bucket compared to what he was dealing with.

“The kid?” JJ grated.

“He’s fine. Gunman’s down,” I added.

He should have asked me what I was doing there, but he didn’t. He remained silent, his fingers still clutching my arm.

“Are you hurt?” I asked and then cursed myself for my own stupidity. “Anywhere besides your head,” I clarified.

I’d already checked JJ over when I’d reached him and hadn’t seen any external wounds, but what if he had internal ones? Was the pain in his head a result of hitting it at some point or something else?

JJ didn’t answer me but after a handful of seconds, his breathing became less labored. The sirens were closer now. I knew what would happen next, but I didn’t care. I just needed JJ to be okay.

“Where’s your ID?” I asked.

“Left inside pocket,” he bit out.

I grabbed his official Targes ID and put it into his free hand. I bent enough that I could place his weapon on the ground several feet in front of him. I did the same with mine.

“Hold it up,” I said to JJ as I turned him so we’d be facing the police cars when they arrived. “Remember to keep your arms up so they can search you,” I added before I grabbed my own ID. Since every officer on the force likely knew my face, I wouldn’t need the damn thing. The authorities didn’t and wouldn’t see me as an innocent man. I was still the murderer who’d gotten off on a technicality caused by one of their own and now they had the reason they needed to put me back where they thought I belonged.

The idea of handcuffs being slapped on my wrists had me shaking.

“Hold it together,” I whispered to myself. I couldn’t lose my shit right now. I needed to keep it together for JJ. I needed to make sure he got the attention he needed.

Despite the thought, I could already hear my cell door closing behind me. There was only silence.

I shook my head and forced the thoughts away. It didn’t matter. JJ was safe. I could survive in a world in which all of my rights and freedoms were taken from me. I couldn’t survive in one that didn’t include JJ.

He shifted next to me, his side briefly brushing mine. I thought he was going to collapse so I grabbed his arm, but he pulled it away.

“JJ—” I began as the scream of the sirens grew closer and closer. The cops were just seconds away.

“Shut up,” he responded, his voice sounding weak and tired.

Before I could say anything else, JJ did something I never would have seen coming. He stepped forward and swapped our guns so that mine was in front of him and his in front of me.

JJ quickly stepped back and held his arms up, his ID in hand. Whatever pain he’d been in seemed to have eased enough for him to be an active participant in what was happening.

“What are you—?” I began as I tried to make sense of what he was doing.

“Is your gun registered?” JJ asked.

“What—?”

“Cass, is your gun registered?”

“Yeah, it’s the one I owned before I went in.” I was sure JJ flinched when I mentioned the start of my incarceration. I had no clue what was happening. What I did know was that he had the perfect opportunity to do what he’d wanted to from the moment he’d confronted me on the canyon road.

Even though I knew JJ was going to let me hang out to dry, I couldn’t make sense of how he was planning on doing it.

JJ’s safe. He’s safe.

I couldn’t get the image out of my mind of JJ standing point blank in front of the gunman and not even attempting to defend himself. My heart was still beating so hard that the pulse point at my jugular actually started to hurt.

Too close.

It had been way too fucking close.

I was dimly aware of JJ identifying himself, which meant the cops had arrived. I didn’t move as strange hands began patting me down. I could hear the jingle of handcuffs.

“Bruce, it’s me,” JJ called.

“JJ?” a strange voice responded. “What the fuck?” the guy added, his voice sounding downright cheerful considering the scene he’d arrived upon. “How you been, kiddo?”

The interaction was so unusual that it snapped my attention back to the present.

A paunchy older officer with a scraggly beard was striding toward JJ. JJ had already lowered his arms so when the officer reached him, there was a brief handshake and then a quick embrace where the older officer patted him on the back.

“Been better,” JJ said. “Case went sideways,” he added as he glanced over his shoulder toward the body of the man I’d shot. As a formality, the paramedics were checking his vitals.

“Oh yeah, you’re working for your brother’s company, right? Heard you were babysitting that cute little thing with the big tits; the one from that show my girls can’t get enough of,” Bruce said with a hearty laugh.

“Jenna Masters,” JJ supplied. “She lives up the hill. She’s pretty shaken up. Not sure who the guy is, but he took a shot at me and my partner. I chased him on foot down here and cornered him,” he said easily.

“This your partner?” Bruce asked. His voice faltered when he finally got a look at my face. “Wait, aren’t you⁠—?”

“He is and no, he’s not my partner,” JJ said.

I could feel the noose closing around my neck. One of the officers was already in the process of reaching for my arm so he could lower it to cuff my wrist. It was all I could do not to deck the guy so he wouldn’t be able to put those metal rings on my wrists.

“He’s my backup, though,” JJ added. “My brother felt sorry for him and hired him to shadow us so we’d have backup if we needed it. We needed it,” he explained. “My partner’s up at the house with the client. Like I said, she’s pretty freaked out about all this.”

“Understandable,” Bruce murmured as his cold eyes raked over me.

Yeah, I was fucked. I would have plenty of time to think about why JJ had made up the story about me being his backup. I doubted Sully had told his brother I’d been following him at Sully’s request. I hadn’t seen Sully since I’d walked out on him a week earlier. I also hadn’t told him that I was, in fact, still shadowing JJ. Sully had mentioned that he had people watching JJ twenty-four seven, but who knew if he was still doing that. As it stood, JJ’s older brother might already know I was still keeping my eyes on his kid brother.

Despite the white-hot fear racing through me, I allowed the young police officer tasked with cuffing me to bend one arm behind my back. When the first cuff snapped around my wrist, I felt my knees start to buckle, but I managed to keep myself upright.

“You’re telling me your brother is letting the guy who shot you—” Bruce began.

“Not my idea,” JJ said angrily, his cold eyes raking over me like I was nothing but shit beneath his shoe. “Sully’s always had a soft spot for him, and you know what Sully’s like.”

“Yeah,” Bruce said with an unamused chuckle. “Yeah,” he repeated. I could see the hunger for vengeance in the man’s eyes. “So he’s the one who shot the—” Bruce began, keeping his eyes on me even as he motioned in the direction of the man I’d killed.

“No,” JJ interjected. “Like I said, he’s just backup. I shot the suspect when a civ walked into the middle of the scene.”

I nearly choked on my own saliva at JJ’s words.

Bruce kept his eyes on me. The officer behind me had lowered my other arm to cuff it but seemed to be holding off after hearing JJ’s admission.

“Bruce,” JJ said firmly. He waited until Bruce’s eyes shifted back to him. “No one wants to see this asshole behind bars again more than me, but facts are facts. He was the witness, not the shooter.” JJ motioned toward an officer holding our weapons. “I shot him with the Glock. Ballistics will prove it.”

I still had no idea what JJ was doing, but the mere mention of ballistics would be another nail in my coffin. The Glock was registered to me, so once the bullet I’d put through the suspect’s head was compared to the bullets from my gun, it would be over.

“Sir,” one of the officers called. “This is the kid who saw the whole thing.”

The teenager who’d been crouched behind the garbage can when I’d shot the man was standing nervously next to a female police officer.

“You saw which one of these men shot that one?” Bruce asked as he pointed toward the lifeless body behind us.

“Um, yeah, it was that guy,” the kid stammered as he pointed at JJ. “He saved my life,” the teenager added. “He,”—the kid pointed at me—“was the one who told me to call 911.”

It took me a second to realize the kid truly believed what he’d said. He must have covered his head when JJ had told him to get down, so all he would have heard was the shooting itself. The boy was assuming the fatal shot had come from JJ.

“Okay,” Bruce said. “Take his statement and get him back to his folks,” he instructed the officer standing next to the teenager. Then he was motioning to the officer behind me.

My mind was still trying to process what kind of game JJ and Bruce were playing with me when I felt the cuff on my left wrist click and then it was gone.

One of the officers returned both guns to JJ while Bruce said, “You’re free to go. Both of you. I’ll send someone to your brother’s office to get your statements in the next day or two.”

“Appreciate it, Bruce. Definitely not in the mood for red tape today,” JJ grumbled. “And I sure as shit want to get the fuck away from him as soon as I can, if you know what I mean,” he added as he jerked his head in my direction.

Bruce nodded and reached out to shake his hand. “Stay safe,” he murmured.

“You too,” JJ returned. Then he was grabbing my arm and leading me past all the officers. I waited for one of them to jump out and grab me.

“Don’t say anything,” JJ said tightly.

Several minutes passed as we made our way back up the hill to Jenna’s house. One of the officers had offered us a ride up there, but I’d been grateful when JJ had said we were okay. I had absolutely no desire to sit in a cop car.

I was regretting the decision now as I watched JJ trudge up the hill. He was sweating profusely and stumbled every few steps. I had a million questions for him, but they could wait. He might have managed to cover his pain while he’d been interacting with his former coworker, but he was drowning in it now. I walked close enough to catch him if he fell but kept enough distance between us so he wouldn’t feel the need to move away from me. Despite covering for me, I doubted anything had changed between us. JJ was a good man, and one of the things that had attracted me to him upon my return from the military was his honor. From some of the stories he’d told me about his unique cases, I’d gleaned that he was the kind of guy who did the right thing.

What he’d just done had proven me right.

“Is it your head?” I finally asked when JJ stopped halfway up the hill and leaned over like he was going to puke. He answered me by doing just that.

Puking.

He retched over and over even after his stomach was empty. I tried to put an arm around him to support him, but he held out his hand to prevent me from moving any closer to him.

I remembered what Sully had said about JJ’s injury and the memory loss it had caused. He hadn’t said anything about the pain JJ was currently experiencing, and he sure as shit hadn’t mentioned the possibility that he would freeze up in dangerous circumstances. If Sully had known that, he never would have put his brother in the field.

So why was JJ keeping it from Sully?

Several minutes passed before JJ could continue. By the time we reached the top of the hill, he’d sweated through his shirt. I’d wanted to tell him to take his suit jacket off, but I was already riding a thin line with him. Whatever weird, temporary truce we’d reached was something I wanted to hold on to for as long as I could.

The man working with JJ appeared from the lower level of the house. I could tell he recognized me the moment he saw me.

“Are you okay?” he asked JJ.

JJ nodded. “How’s Jenna?”

The two quickly exchanged details about what had happened to the assailant. I was too focused on JJ’s condition to pay any attention to what they said. He looked like he’d pass out any moment, but he was keeping it together, probably for his partner’s benefit.

More likely, it was so his partner wouldn’t tell Sully what condition JJ was in.

“Can you call this in to my brother?” I heard JJ ask. “Cass and I need to go down to the station to give our statements, so it’ll be a while before I’ll be able to call him.”

I kept my mouth shut at the bald-faced lie. Bruce had told JJ an officer would come to Sully’s office to get our statements.

JJ’s partner, Boone, agreed and told him to look after himself before he trotted back to the house, presumably to take care of the young woman who was likely in a state of shock.

JJ wasn’t much better off, though I didn’t know if it was shock or pain or something else entirely that was draining the energy from his body with every second that passed.

“Where’s your car?” he asked.

“Just outside the driveway,” I responded.

JJ kept putting one foot painfully in front of the other as we made our way around the house, but as soon as we were out of sight of the residence, he pitched forward. I managed to wrap my arm around his waist before he hit the pavement. His skin was hot to the touch and one touch to his pulse point confirmed how hard his heart was working to keep his body going. His blood pressure was likely skyrocketing either because of the pain or, like the actress he’d protected, he was in a state of shock.

I got him settled in the passenger seat of the sedan I’d rented so he wouldn’t recognize me tailing him. JJ didn’t seem to notice the change in vehicles. He was barely awake.

I got the seat belt on him and shut the door before quickly hurrying to the driver’s side. I got the car running so the air conditioning would kick in. I put my fingers against his pulse point again.

His heart was still racing.

“JJ, I need to take you to a hospital,” I said. I was in the process of putting the car in gear when his fingers closed over mine.

“No. Your place,” he grated. His eyes were still closed.

“JJ—” I began.

“Promise me, Cass,” he said softly, opening his eyes only long enough to catch mine. He didn’t wait for me to respond. Instead, he let his eyes drift closed, his long, dark lashes fanning across his pale skin. “Promise me…” he repeated in a barely there whisper.

“I promise, JJ,” I murmured, more to myself than anything else since I doubted he could hear me.

JJ’s fingers were still wrapped around mine as I got the car moving.

“Cass,” he breathed. I glanced at him and saw that he was looking at me. His skin was still pale, but he wasn’t shaking as violently as he had been when I’d gotten him into the car. I desperately wanted to pull the car over so I could take him in my arms and feel the life still running through his body.

“Yeah?” I responded quietly as I tightened my fingers around his.

“Don’t tell Sully,” JJ whispered. Then his head dipped so it was resting against the side of the seat. His fingers loosened and fell away from mine. I quickly checked his pulse again and nearly cried in relief when I felt it beating beneath my touch. It had slowed but was strong. That was the only thing that kept me from breaking my promise and taking him to a hospital.

Between what Sully had told me about JJ’s health after he’d been shot and his behavior today, I had no fucking clue what was happening.

But I sure as shit was going to find out.

CHAPTER 8

Jj

One thing I hadn’t expected when it came to heaven was how fucking cold it was. And dark.

Maybe my father and his beloved Bible had been right. Maybe I was burning in hell, but the guys who’d written the book had gotten the description of hell wrong. I couldn’t decide which I preferred to spend eternity in—cold that was so cold it felt like it was burning my skin or actual fire.

I didn’t like the dark, though. I’d always feared that life after death was just darkness and nothingness. No other souls, no other voices, not even hearing the thoughts of those I couldn’t see. Just black, empty space and complete awareness that I was alone and probably always would be. No peace, no warmth, no burning, no bright lights. Just… silence.

“JJ, open your eyes.”

The sudden voice in my ear would have made me happy to know that I wasn’t actually alone in that dark place, except I knew that voice.

It belonged to the devil himself.

Okay, maybe not the devil but, at best, a fallen angel who’d been cast out of heaven to join me in the infinite nothingness.

The mere thought of angels had my mind tracking in a whole new direction. Did angels sin like I had? Did they make the mistake of not being who they were supposed to be? Were they cast into whatever version of hell I was in because they’d gone down on a guy or taken it up the ass like I had? Did angels even have sex? Were they even guys and girls?

“Damn it, JJ, wake the fuck up!”

Pain shattered my errant thoughts like delicate glass. Image after image tormented me.

A hill.

Running, heart pounding, a gun in my hand.

Some kid and his phone.

Another gun but not in my hand.

Blinding light burned my eyes as I tried to pull the trigger.

“Can’t see,” I called, though I wasn’t sure who I was calling to. “Get down!” I shouted because there had been that kid. He needed to get down because there was a gun that wasn’t mine⁠—

“JJ, open your eyes!”

I bolted upright at the sound of the familiar voice. “Cass!” I yelled. “Gun! Gun!” Fear consumed me as I tried to blink the light away. I had to warn Cass.

“Cass, can’t see. Gun! Gun! Cass, drop!” I begged. I needed him to hear me so a bullet wouldn’t take him from me.

“JJ, I’m right here. I’m safe. But I need you to do something for me, okay?”

I nodded. I was so relieved to hear him say he was safe that I slumped forward. Something hard but warm brushed against my cheek.

“Close your eyes again.”

Close them, open them, close them. Would the man make up his mind so he’d let me see him already?

I closed my eyes and squeezed them shut like a little kid who was trying to follow his parent’s orders to keep from seeing whatever surprise awaited him.

“That’s good,” Cass said. “Now I want you to listen. Tell me what you hear.”

That was easy. “You,” I murmured.

“What else?”

“Can we do this later, Cass? Tired. It hurts,” I complained.

“No, baby, we need to do this now, but I promise you can rest afterwards.”

I nodded because Cass was always right about things. Except the “baby” part. I didn’t know why he was saying that because I wasn’t a little kid anymore. I was all grown up.

Why did everything feel like it was covered in layers and layers of fog?

“What do you hear?” Cass asked gently. His words sounded like the softest of whispers in my ear. I focused on what he wanted me to do because I wanted to please him. All I’d ever wanted to do was please him.

“Dripping water… like from a faucet,” I said. My eyes felt heavy but thankfully there was no longer any blinding light.

“What else?”

“A fan. Above me. Can hear and feel it.”

“That’s good. Anything else?”

Between his words and trying to listen for things, the pounding in my head eased.

“Thumping,” I said softly. “Heartbeat. Someone’s heartbeat.” I paused before saying, “Your heartbeat.”

Something skimmed the shell of my ear. Something soft. It felt good. Hell didn’t feel good, so maybe God had forgiven me my sins even if I’d forgotten to ask Him to before I’d died.

“How do your eyes feel?”

“Scratchy,” I said. “Wanna open them.”

“Do it a little at a time and tell me what you see.”

I did what he said. I resisted the urge to just open them and be done with it. “Blue. Something blue,” I said. I allowed my eyes to open a bit more. A sea of blue flooded them, but when I moved them, other things came into focus. “Brown carpet, ugly curtains. It’s dark but not like before.”

I kept describing things until my brain was no longer trying to pound its way out of my head. I stopped talking and tested my other senses. Warmth enveloping me. A weird citrus smell. Lemons mixed with something woodsy.

Skin.

Soft skin brushing up against my mouth. My fingers tangled in soft hair.

Cass’s hair.

I could still remember it from when I’d⁠—

“What the hell?” I groaned as all of my different senses began to paint a picture. The last time I’d had my fingers in Cass’s hair was when I’d kissed him by his car.

I took a few seconds to take stock of where I was.

Sitting on a bed, my arms wrapped around Cass’s neck, my lips pressed against his throat.

What the hell?

I shoved Cass and scrambled away from him. My back hit something hard. The bed’s headboard. “Where are we?” I asked as I scanned the unfamiliar room. It was dark but only because the curtains were drawn. A sliver of daylight peeked through them anyway.

Cass was still sitting on the edge of the bed, but it was too dark to see his expression. It didn’t matter what the fuck his expression looked like. I needed to get the fuck away from him.

My head started pounding again as I began to remember the events that had transpired before I’d blacked out.

Jenna’s house.

Pursuing a guy down a hill and trapping him in an alley.

A kid and the guy aiming his gun.

Then Cass. Then Cass had been there, his smooth voice in my ear.

Bruce, cops, me switching…

I paused and closed my eyes to take in the rest. I’d switched my gun with Cass’s. I had done that, not Cass.

To protect him.

“No,” I said to myself as I shook my head. Why the fuck had I protected him?

The rest of it fell into place like the final pieces of a puzzle. Cass had shot the man in the alley. He’d shot him because I hadn’t been able to.

Cass had saved my life.

“Jesus,” I whispered. “Light. Can you turn on a light?”

I hated that I had to ask Cass to perform what should have been a simple task, but I was still trying to get my bearings. I was shirtless. I still had my pants on but no shoes.

The bed shifted and then dim light was flooding the room. I didn’t look at Cass. I wasn’t ready for that, so I stared at the bedspread covering my lap. It was the kind of blanket one found in cheap motel rooms.

His room. I’d asked Cass to take me to his place.

“Where’s my gun?” I asked.

“Here,” Cass said from somewhere next to me. “On the nightstand. Your phone is there too.” His voice held a note of disappointment. I waited until he moved away from me before looking up and searching out my gun and phone on the nightstand. I automatically grabbed my gun.

Cass let out a harsh, ugly little laugh that I hated because it didn’t sound right coming from him. I still couldn’t force myself to look at him.

“My gun’s there too if you want to be all ‘Billy the Kid’ style,” he said. I glanced up briefly only to see him walking away from me toward the bathroom. He was completely unconcerned about the gun. I quickly checked the clip. The gun was loaded, so why the fuck was he so confident? He’d been the same way when I’d confronted him on the canyon road. He’d walked right up to me until my gun had been pressed against his chest.

Daring me to shoot him.

It had been before he’d kissed me.

And I’d kissed him.

Fuck.

“There’s a T-shirt and a pair of sweats on the table if you want to change,” Cass called from the bathroom.

“Seriously?” I responded. “That’s what you have to say to me right now?”

“Isn’t wanting to know where her clothes are the first thing the woman asks in the movies when she wakes up half-naked in the good-looking guy’s arms after some traumatic event? I was just trying to speed things along so you can get the fuck out of here.”

“Asshole,” I muttered as I remembered the way I’d been curled around him less than sixty seconds earlier. I threw the blanket off and swung my legs over the edge of the bed until my bare feet were touching the floor.

“I think it happens in romance novels too,” Cass continued as if he was talking to himself, though I knew he wasn’t. The prick was just needling me to get the response he wanted.

I was glad he remained in the bathroom because I didn’t want him to see how unsteady I was even while just sitting there. My head was spinning, and I felt sick to my stomach. As I hung my head, I noticed that my pants were covered in dust and pieces of underbrush that had snagged the fabric as I’d been running down the hill.

Or climbing back up it.

After Cass had saved my life.

“And I suppose she’s usually all naked,” Cass said from somewhere behind me. “I figured we could bypass that particular drama if I left your pants on.”

I closed my eyes. Fear and anger whirled inside of me along with a busload of confusion. I hadn’t expected Cass to be there. I hadn’t expected the blinding light and searing pain at the exact moment I should have been pulling the trigger.

I hadn’t expected a lot of things.

“Why did you bring me here?” I asked as I put the gun back on the nightstand and scrubbed my face with my hands in the hopes of clearing some of the lingering fog from my brain.

“There’s an icepack behind you,” Cass responded.

Of course there was. That explained the cold I’d felt when I’d started to wake up.

“And to answer your question, you told me to bring you here.”

“You’re lying,” I automatically said, even though I knew he wasn’t. I had asked Cass to take me to his place so Sully wouldn’t find out what had happened. Part of me had been hoping I’d dreamed the part about asking Cass to take me to his place.

“Does that surprise you, JJ? I mean, that’s what I do, right?” Cass drawled. His voice changed to something softer, more intimate. “Or does it upset you to know that for once, I’m not lying?”

“Why were you there? In the alley?” I asked because I wasn’t sure how to answer his question. Cass lied. He did terrible things.

“You know why.”

“God, can’t you just answer a fucking question straight for once?”

“Why do you think I was there, JJ?” Cass snapped. His momentary lapse in controlling his tone strangely made me feel better. Like he was still a little bit human and not full-on monster.

“You were following me,” I said. My head was starting to hurt again, so I glanced over my shoulder to find the icepack. There was no avoiding catching a glimpse of Cass. He was just outside the bathroom door.

And he was shirtless.

Dear God.

In addition to the pounding head on my shoulders, there was another head that was throbbing now too. Thank fuck Cass had left my pants on. The last thing I needed was for him to realize what his proximity was doing to me.

I nearly laughed because I’d never wondered about the character of any of the men who’d fucked me at Tank’s and yet, here I was trying to tell my dick that it wasn’t allowed to want this man, this murderer, no matter how drop-dead gorgeous he was.

The icepack turned out to be a plastic baggie with some half-melted ice cubes in it. “How long have we been here for?” I asked as I put the not really an icepack against the scar on my head.

“A few hours,” Cass responded simply. “It’s six.”

“Fuck, Sully’s gonna be pissed,” I muttered.

“Not half as pissed as when he finds out what really happened in that alley.”

I froze at Cass’s words. “Nothing happened,” I managed to say. “My gun jammed and your weird obsession with me put you in the right place at the right time.”

I cursed myself as soon as the words were out.

Weird obsession? Why the hell was I opening that particular can of worms?

“Would that be the weird obsession that makes me a murderer or the weird obsession that had you pinning me against my car and jamming your tongue down my throat like a drunken anteater?”

His words stung.

And proved how fucked up in the head I was.

There I was sitting in the motel room of a guy who’d murdered three innocent people before trying to take my life, and I was upset about his criticism of my inexperienced kissing.

“What, no snappy comeback?” Cass asked.

I could feel his presence as he moved around the bed. I just had to keep a straight face and figure out the quickest way to get myself out of the room. If I called Sully and asked him to come and get me, he’d wonder what I was doing with Cass. Of course, he probably already knew if the cops had called about getting our statement. Boone might have also told him. None of it would explain what I was doing in a cheap motel room with Cass, though.

I was surprised when Cass went to the door and opened it before shutting it again. Did he actually look relieved at the fact that the door opened? What outcome had he been expecting?

I dropped my eyes again because the muscles rippling along his back were way too much of a distraction.

As Cass moved toward the window, I realized he was going to reach the little stack of clothes on the table he’d laid out for me before I was. While I could live with my pants the way they were, I needed a shirt, and I had no clue where mine was.

I quickly stood so I could grab the clothes myself but immediately regretted it. The world spun crazily. I managed to stay on my feet but by the time I came to my senses, Cass was sitting at the table. He’d put a T-shirt on, though it wasn’t the one he’d set aside for me. His intense stare had butterflies dancing in my stomach and goose bumps dotting my forearms and the back of my neck.

I’d been in fight-or-flight mode from the moment I’d realized where I was and who I was with. I’d chosen to fight. Well, with words anyway. Now I was choosing flight. The state of my hardening cock was getting harder to conceal. Maybe if I went straight from wherever the hell I was to Tank’s, I could forget everything about today.

The idea of some guy shoving his dick into me made me physically ill, but not for the right reason. The true reason I didn’t want a stranger’s dick anywhere near me was sitting not five feet from me. I didn’t want some guy. I wanted Cass. My body didn’t care about what he’d done. All it knew was the taste of raw, unbridled need. It was painful and humiliating to finally understand for the first time what the force of true attraction really was.

I climbed to my feet more slowly this time around and took several steps forward so I could grab the shirt off the pile of clothes on the table. I had to keep my eyes on the prize because if I looked at Cass, I’d lose the ability to focus on anything but him. I managed to reach the table without looking at him even once but the second I reached my arm out, hard fingers wrapped around my wrist and held on with a steely grip.

“Let go,” I snapped as I yanked my arm back, but there was no escaping the hold he had on me. I was strong but I wasn’t Cass strong.

I could feel Cass’s eyes boring a tunnel through me.

“Is that it, JJ?” he asked carefully as he pulled me forward a few inches.

I opened my mouth to once again order him to release me, but before I could even get a word out, he was on his feet and walking me backwards until my back hit the outdated wallpaper behind me. He grabbed both my wrists and pinned my arms next to my head. I could have fought harder than I did, but I was too busy raging an internal war between my brain and my body.

“Has no one else gotten a taste of you?” he asked, his voice smooth and knowing.

I could feel tears stinging the backs of my eyes as shame, humiliation, and desire collided.

“I’ve been fucked by more guys than I can count,” I spat in a last-ditch effort to save myself. I swore I saw something flare to life in Cass’s stunningly blue eyes but then it was gone.

He dropped his head until his lips were nearly brushing mine. I felt like I was going to explode then and there.

“That’s not what I asked,” Cass pointed out. “Am I the first guy you’ve kissed? The first person?” His voice sounded growly and possessive. My dick wept with joy. God, if he shifted his hips just a little, he’d know a kiss wasn’t all I wanted… needed.

My resistance began to shred like threads of a rope that was stretched to its limit.

A really thin, weak rope.

“Cass,” I whispered in desperation.

But what was I more desperate for? For him to let me go or for him not to?

“Answer me,” Cass demanded.

I could feel the electricity firing inside of me but this time it wasn’t along the track the bullet had taken. No, that part of me was just fine. No blinding light, no stabbing pain.

“JJ—”

“Yes,” I croaked. “Damn you, Cass. Yes! Okay? Yes, you’re the first⁠—”

His mouth was on mine before I could complete my rant. A couple of the tears I’d been struggling to hold back slipped down my cheek as one and only one emotion swept through my entire body.

Joy.

Pure, undeniable, unforgivable joy.

CHAPTER 9

Cass

Ishouldn’t have done it. I knew that. I’d already crossed a line by lying to JJ about the way he’d kissed me back on that canyon road. I could only excuse that behavior as being a result of the frustration of his whiplash reactions to my presence.

But what I was doing now, it was so much more than a lie. I was taking advantage of the opening JJ had unwittingly given me as an excuse to taste him again. To feel his body against mine.

Granted, I had kissed him before the one we’d shared on that dry, dusty road high above the city.

Our real first kiss had been the night before he’d gotten shot. We’d been sitting in my car talking about everything and nothing. I had no idea which of us had made the first move, but I’d immediately known JJ’s experience with kissing had been limited at best. I hadn’t been complaining, though. I’d kissed and been kissed by plenty of guys, and I’d fucked even more, but nothing had prepared me for JJ.

He’d been stronger than me that night because he’d put an end to things before they’d really begun. He’d wanted to tell his brother about his sexuality and our budding relationship first so that we wouldn’t have to hide anything from him or anyone else.

What I hadn’t known about that first kiss was that it had, indeed, been his first kiss. He’d told me about the couple of guys he’d been with while I’d been overseas, but he’d never said anything about not kissing either of them.

The kiss we’d shared that night had been sweet and tame compared to the ones from the day he’d confronted me for the first time after I’d been released from prison. It was his inexperience during the rough, punishing kisses we’d exchanged that made me finally begin to suspect that he’d never been kissed before.

Except by me on the night of our last official date before he’d been gunned down right in front of me.

My promise to keep my hands to myself had been blown to hell the second he’d admitted I had been the first one to ever kiss him. Even if he didn’t remember our true first kiss, my brain and my dick had decided his admission meant that he hadn’t allowed anyone else to kiss him.

Which meant he really was mine.

Even now as I happily showed him how to move his mouth against mine, I let myself believe that deep down, JJ remembered something about us. Something that proved to him that there had been an us before that terrible night.

After we’d kissed on the canyon road, JJ had wiped his mouth as if trying to wipe away the fact that the kiss had happened. As good as it had felt to have his mouth taking control of mine that day, that one swipe of his hand afterwards had made me want to forget that kiss had ever happened.

This kiss, though… this kiss was one I didn’t want him to forget.

Ever.

This kiss was one of many that we should have been able to share the night he’d gotten shot. We should have been able to talk at the diner less than a block away and make decisions about what we wanted to say to Sully and when. We should have been given the chance to explore each other in any and every way we wanted. Our choices had been taken from us and in a cruel twist of fate, I alone had been left with the heart-stealing memory of our first kiss while JJ only knew what it was like to kiss Cass, the murderer.

I knew what I was doing now wouldn’t change that.

Kissing him was a selfish need. Making him admit that there’d been no one else to taste him besides me had been downright cruel and there was no excuse on the planet for it other than me wanting something that I’d lost… that had been taken from me.

So yeah, I was a selfish prick for taking advantage of the situation and I’d regret it later, but now all I wanted was to pretend that it was the night we should have had. One of many nights.

I tried to remind myself to go slow, but JJ’s need was pushing mine higher and higher. It was only the sensation of damp skin against mine that had me putting on the brakes.

Hard.

“JJ,” I said with a shake of my head as I realized that the wetness my cheek had briefly rubbed up against were tears. “JJ, I didn’t mean those things I said. I’m so sorry⁠—”

I was in the process of releasing his wrists as I spoke, but before I could let him go entirely, he linked his fingers with mine. “Don’t stop,” he whimpered. “Please, Cass, don’t stop.”

The need in his voice broke me. I knew he would hate me for anything that happened, but he already did, so it shouldn’t have mattered.

It did, though.

Because it was still a lie, and the JJ I’d known before the shooting wouldn’t have forgiven me for what I was doing now.

“JJ, I can’t,” I grated as I tried to get my lust under control. I wanted to do so much more then taste him. I wanted to touch, to tease. I wanted to know what his skin felt like when I wasn’t in a state of complete panic because I didn’t know how to help him with his physical pain.

The reminder of why we were even in my motel room was enough to force my fingers to unlink from his. It wasn’t until I put some space between our bodies that JJ snapped out of his lust-induced haze. His eyes were glittering with emotion and need, and his body was wound tight. He was trembling just as badly as me.

“I’m sorry,” I said with a shake of my head.

There was no missing the moment his hatred returned. It happened as fast as a switch being flipped. JJ shoved past me and snatched his gun and phone off the nightstand. He also took the shirt I’d offered him from the table, but he was out the door before he even put it on. I didn’t realize he’d taken something else until I heard my Mustang roar to life.

“Fuck,” I muttered as I realized I’d left the keys on the table next to the clothing. The keys for the rental car were in my pocket.

“JJ, stop!” I called as I grabbed my own gun. He was already racing out of the parking lot before I got outside. I didn’t give a shit that he’d taken my car. What I was worried about was his state of mind. Muscle cars and raw emotion didn’t mix well.

It seemed to take forever to get the rental car on the road. My Mustang was long gone, and I had no hope of catching up to JJ even if I floored it on the rental car. He’d be back in the city long before me.

I reached for my phone so I could warn Sully about JJ, only to realize I’d left the damn thing in the motel room. “Fuck!” I bit out as I slammed my hands down on the steering wheel.

There was no way I was turning around for the phone, so I just had to hope Sully was wherever JJ would end up—their house or Sully’s office.

A sudden, terrible thought invaded my mind like the most painful of parasites.

“No,” I whispered as fear, anger, and pure, unadulterated jealousy consumed me.

The club.

The one JJ went to every night after work. The one where Sully had said JJ let guys⁠—

“No!” I shouted and jammed the gas pedal to the floor. Desperation had me praying to a deity I didn’t really believe in that I was wrong.

There was no way JJ would go to Tank’s after what had happened between us. He’d want to nurse his wounds in private.

Except JJ didn’t do that. Not this version of him. Sully himself had said JJ was trying to lose himself in places like Tank’s… with men who used him like he wasn’t worth more than a broken toy.

It felt like hours before I reached the club that was just south of the city and about five miles from JJ and Sully’s house. I hadn’t even bothered to drive by the home in the hopes of seeing my Mustang parked in the driveway or even somewhere along the block where Sully wouldn’t see it. My gut was screaming at me that JJ was exactly where I didn’t want him to be.

Fuck, how had this gotten so messed up? Two weeks ago, I’d wanted vengeance for something JJ hadn’t even done. I might not have been directly responsible for what had happened to him two years earlier, but I was the one hurting him now. I was the one playing games with his head.

Despair and torment ate away at my insides the second I saw my Mustang parked across the street from the club. I slammed my rental to a stop in the loading zone in front of the building.

I forgot all about my fear of dark, enclosed spaces as I barreled through the front door of the club. “JJ… where is he?” I snarled at the bartender. The huge man looked me over for several painfully long seconds.

I was about to find JJ on my own even if I had to rip the place apart when the bartender, who I could only assume was the Tank the club had been named after because that’s how he was built, said, “Alley out back. Better hurry.”

The last two words nearly killed me on the spot.

My logical side would have argued that JJ was an adult who could make his own decisions, but logic had flown out the window about two minutes after he had stormed out of the motel room. Maybe I could have come to terms with the idea of him fleeing me to go hook up with some stranger, but I knew that wasn’t what he was doing.

I knew it like I knew I hadn’t been the one who’d shot him. I knew it like I knew how helpless it had felt to hold a dying JJ in my arms and not be able to do a damn thing about it.

I could do something this time. I didn’t care if JJ hated me for the rest of his life, even if by some miracle he did someday remember us.

As I worked my way to the back of the club, guys moved out of my way without needing to be physically or verbally warned, so I must have looked like a raging bull. I wanted to vomit when I reached the back of the club and saw the door that presumably led to the alley. There were several men crowded around the inside of the door trying to get a look outside.

To see the show, no doubt.

I didn’t bother with a verbal warning. I just began shoving guys out of my way until the smell of garbage hit me so hard it nearly knocked me right back into the club.

There was no preparing myself for what I saw as I pushed past every asshole in the alley who was blocking my view.

JJ was pressed up against a dumpster, his ass on full display, his dirty trousers bunched around his ankles. He made no effort to put up a fight as the guy behind him released his dick from his jeans. JJ had a bottle of alcohol in his right hand. He took intermittent swigs of the liquid as he rested his head against his other arm which was braced against the dumpster. Some fucker was in front of him, his hand wrapped around his own dick. He pointed to the ground at the same time he spoke to JJ and to my horror, JJ began to lower himself to the filthy asphalt.

I reached the trio just as the guy behind JJ started to nudge his bare dick against JJ’s ass. I grabbed the man by his greasy ponytail and yanked him backwards. A kick to the nuts had him screaming in agony. The guy in front of JJ was too wasted to realize what was happening. I reached him before he could tap his dick against JJ’s half-open lips.

I knocked the man on his ass, watching as two of his teeth went flying and his head hit the concrete hard enough to knock him out. “Go!” I snarled to the dwindling pack of men who were either watching the action or stroking their own dicks as they waited for their turn.

I didn’t watch to make sure the men had heeded my order. Instead, I bent down to pull JJ to his feet. I took the bottle of alcohol from him and threw it aside. JJ didn’t appear to recognize me as I pulled his pants up and secured them. He was clearly drunk and in no state to consent to anything, let alone being gangbanged in a fucking alley with garbage strewn everywhere.

When I turned so we were facing the door leading into the club, I saw that a few men had remained to watch what was happening, but they quickly made themselves scarce when the big asshole, Tank, appeared in the alley doorway and slammed a metal bat against the brick wall. I thought he was there to prevent me from taking JJ, but instead, the man held out the keys to my Mustang.

“Took ’em when he came in. Figured it wasn’t his.”

“Maybe you should have been more concerned about a man getting gang-raped on your property,” I snapped.

Tank tossed me the keys. “And maybe you shouldn’t have done whatever you did to send him back here,” he returned. “I’ve been waiting too long for the day that boy stopped coming here, and it seemed like he had his foot out the door the last few nights when all he did was come in for some fucking club soda and nothing or no one else. My guess is you’re the reason for both those things, so fuck off. Go around the corner to get to your car. It’ll be faster. And if you don’t want that piece of shit you rolled up in towed, then give me the keys!”

Tank’s words felt like bullets ripping through me. Had I really been the reason JJ hadn’t wanted to use the club to satisfy his needs anymore?

I didn’t have time to think about it. I reached into my pocket and grabbed the keys. I flung them at Tank and then wrapped my arm around JJ’s waist. I placed his arm behind my shoulders and held his hand so I’d have more leverage to offer him once I got him moving.

“JJ, can you hear me?” I asked, my voice cracking with so many different emotions it made my stomach churn.

JJ threw up in response. I helped him bend over but made sure he stayed on his feet. By the time I got him to my car, he’d vomited three more times. In between, he was murmuring sporadic things, but I didn’t know if he was trying to say something. My car was unlocked, which I wouldn’t have really cared about except that he had left his gun and phone sitting on the passenger seat for all the world to see.

I moved the gun and phone before lowering JJ into the seat. I wished I had some water to offer him because he was dry heaving, and it had to be hurting his throat and stomach.

God, how had we gotten to this place?

Lies.

That was how.

One lie after another had spiraled into this fucking knot that would take a lifetime to undo if we did somehow get the chance someday. It wasn’t even the lies that lay between me and JJ. There was a whole other knot that I hadn’t even begun to deal with.

I slid into the seat behind the wheel. JJ was slumped against the passenger door, his hands covered in God only knew what kind of shit. Vomit was sticking to his shirt, pants, and shoes. It was an all too familiar scene.

This time, though, I knew taking him home and trying to stay out of his life while I attempted to figure out who’d tried to kill him wasn’t an option. I couldn’t do this alone. I needed help and I needed a plan because one way or another, I was going to tell JJ the truth.

About everything.

I was going to rip the fucking knot of lies apart even if I had to do it string by string.

I got the car started and grabbed JJ’s phone since I’d left mine back at the motel. I dialed and put the phone to my ear before reaching out to link my fingers with JJ’s limp ones. Tears stung my eyes as I took in the sight of him.

“JJ?” Sully asked worriedly on the first ring.

“No, Sully, it’s me,” I said, my voice cracking just a bit. I forced myself to release JJ’s hand so I could focus on what needed to happen next.

“Where are you?” I asked Sully. As he responded and then began lobbing one question after another at me, I wiped my forearm across my eyes.

“Yeah, I’ve got him with me. He’s safe,” I said as I glanced at JJ. “We need to talk,” I cut in as Sully demanded to talk to JJ. I threw the Mustang’s gearshift into drive and glanced over my shoulder before pulling the car into traffic. I ignored Sully’s order to put JJ on the phone and spoke the handful of words that I’d promised myself I’d never say again from the moment I’d been charged with murder and not even one single person who’d known the real me had stood up to defend me.

“I need your help.”

CHAPTER 10

Jj

It had to be a terrible dream because there was no way it was happening all over again.

Me.

In a bed.

A bed that wasn’t mine.

And a killer headache.

Only this time it was a different kind of headache. One I’d brought upon myself. Thankfully, there was no Cass in this version of the dream. I opened my eyes to clear the dream from my mind only to find that my eyes were already open. I was staring at the ceiling, but it wasn’t a normal ceiling. It had several heavy-duty wood beams running from one end of the room to the other. Above the beams were what looked like polished logs lying side by side.

“Shit,” I said as I abruptly sat up. My head spun and my stomach churned as bile crept up the back of my throat. I managed to swallow it back down and remained very still until the nausea eased a bit. I used the time to slowly look around the room.

The room was rustic but not the charming kind of rustic that people paid good money for so they could pretend to be getting off the grid for a while but not really.

Here, rustic meant rustic.

There were few furnishings besides the bed I was sitting on. A simple table next to the bed, a small dresser that looked like it had stepped out of the seventies, and a couple of mismatched chairs in front of a small iron stove with a stack of wood next to it. No TV, no radio, no curtains. There were two doorways in the room but neither had actual doors on them.

“What the hell?” I murmured.

Where was my gun? My phone? The table that passed for a nightstand was bare except for a tall bottle of water and two aspirin. On the floor next to the bed was a trash can, but based on its placement I figured it was substituting as a vomit can.

My vomit can.

As I reached for the water and greedily swallowed it down, I tried to remember what had happened before everything had gone dark.

I’d been with Cass. He’d been kissing me deeply, slowly, his tongue gently stroking mine. He’d been holding me against the wall, and I’d been a willing prisoner as he’d shown me what a real kiss felt like.

I’d wanted, no, I’d needed more. I hadn’t cared about the past or the future. I hadn’t been afraid. I hadn’t wanted him to stop.

Which was exactly what he’d done.

He’d said he was sorry, and I’d begged him not to stop.

I’d begged him.

His response had been to release me. My body had been screaming in protest at what it was being denied, and I’d been so humiliated that I’d left that room like it had been burning down around me.

Then I’d been speeding down an unknown road in Cass’s beloved car, the city looming in the distance. I’d had only one destination in mind.

By the time I’d strode into Tank’s, I’d known what I was going to do and I’d looked forward to it. I’d slapped all the money I had in my pocket down on the bar and had grabbed the first bottle of alcohol I could find. I hadn’t protested in the least when Tank had insisted on taking my car keys. I’d already been scanning the decent-sized crowd of men for the guy I’d wanted.

He’d been easy to find. He’d been holding court on the far side of the room. On his lap, he’d had a small, blond twink who hadn’t looked anywhere near old enough to be in a bar, let alone a place like Tank’s. The guy with the greasy, stringy ponytail and biker-style beard and mustache had been crudely fondling the kid. I’d never been fucked by the biker wannabe, at least as far as I knew anyway, because he’d always been on the wrong side of the line between good rough fucking and bad rough fucking.

I’d ordered the twink to move. My demand had caught the biker off guard enough that he’d released the kid who’d scrambled off his lap and disappeared into the crowd. I straddled the biker’s lap and wrapped my arms around his neck.

My intent had been to kiss him, but my mouth had bypassed his all on its own and brushed up against his ear instead. A few whispered words, some heavy grinding against his hard-on, and several drags of alcohol, and it was done.

He was mine.

My own hard-on had been long gone by the time I’d reached the club. I’d hoped dry humping biker guy would have relit that fire inside of me that Cass could ignite with just words, but there’d been nothing.

No spark.

No erection.

No pleasure.

A small part of me had wanted to get up and leave. To walk out of that club and never return. But I’d needed a different kind of escape that only liquor and the ugly, rough, foul-smelling, ponytailed biker could give me.

I couldn’t remember much after that. There’d been a lot of strange hands grabbing different parts of my body and biker guy had tried to force me to kiss him, but I’d simply used the bottle in my hand as a shield. We’d been moving after that and then everything got hazy. There’d been catcalls and words of encouragement, but they hadn’t been aimed at me. I’d been pelleted with ugly names and promises of how good it would feel when this guy fucked me and the other guy shot his load down my mouth. By then I’d already started to leave my body so I could float through that delicious cloud of quiet.

Whatever had happened after that only came to me in bits and pieces.

The smell of rotting garbage, cool air against my ass, warm liquor sliding down my throat.

God, what the hell had I done?

I rubbed my face with my hands. I didn’t feel any crusted semen around my mouth, my ass didn’t hurt, and there wasn’t any spunk inside of me, so either I’d been clear-headed enough to clean myself up or…

Or someone else had done it for me. I automatically looked down and saw that I was wearing a pair of sweats and a loose-fitting T-shirt. I didn’t have any underwear on, and my hair was damp.

Had my brother cleaned me up when I’d gotten home? If so, why wasn’t I in my room?

Get your ass out of bed and find out why, you asshole.

The voice was the same one that had tried to tell me to walk out of Tank’s the second I’d handed free use of my body over to biker guy.

This time I listened. It took a while to get my aching body moving. It felt like I’d been run over by a semi. Every muscle burned; every bone ached.

I stumbled to the nearest window and saw nothing but green.

Everywhere.

Pine trees.

Pine trees weren’t something one saw a lot of in Los Angeles.

“Where the fuck am I?” I breathed. I went to look through the first open doorway and saw that it was a small bathroom. I made use of the toilet and then went to check out the second doorway.

I was greeted with a small landing attached to a wooden staircase. Even with a handrail, I wasn’t sure I’d make it down the steps in one piece.

Since I didn’t have a lot of options… or any, really, I began my descent. I really wanted my gun because I had a bad feeling about what—or rather, who—I’d find on the lower floor. I told myself over and over that it would be my brother who greeted me and then explained what the hell had happened and where the fuck we were.

The first floor of what I assumed was a cabin was just as barren as the bedroom. Even though I didn’t have my gun, I cleared each room slowly as if I were armed.

Unlike my house, the cabin didn’t really have any rooms. To my left was an open living space with more mismatched and very outdated furniture. I didn’t spend a lot of time worrying about it because my only concern was seeing if the space was empty or not.

It was.

There was a door in front of me that led outside but when I tried to open it, it wouldn’t budge. It had a deadbolt lock on it that required a key to unlock it. I swallowed down my fear that I was locked in the cabin and looked to my right. I was greeted with a long but narrow dining room. The table filled most of the space. It was made from the same kind of wood as the stairs. At the end of the room was a wide opening leading to what looked like a kitchen. Based on the layout that I’d already seen, it was a good bet that it was the last room in the place.

I tried to listen for any sound that would confirm I wasn’t alone, but there was nothing. I wasn’t sure if I was happy or sad about that. Being ditched at the cabin with nowhere to go was one thing, but being in the cabin with the person I suspected had brought me there was another.

God, I was being ridiculous. I wasn’t in some slasher flick, and I wasn’t some dumb teenager who hid themself in the darkest room which also happened to have dozens of sharp pointy objects and no way out. I was a cop, damn it.

Correction.

I’d been a cop.

My inner voice told me to stop stalling and move my ass.

His back was to me when I stepped into the kitchen. He was sitting at a small table. It looked like he was reading. All I needed was a heavy object and I’d be out of there.

“There’s coffee,” Cass said.

I nearly jumped out of my skin at the sound of his voice. Of course the asshole would hear me. I took a quick look around the kitchen but didn’t see my gun or phone. I didn’t see anything except for the coffee pot and an empty mug sitting in front of it.

“The sugar’s already in the mug,” Cass continued. “Two teaspoons,” he added. He didn’t look at me. He didn’t appear wary that I was standing behind him and had access to a hot coffee pot that could double as a weapon.

He also didn’t seem concerned about the wide-open door on the far side of the room.

“What is this?” I asked as I gave Cass a wide berth and moved so I could see him from the front. He was wearing jeans and a black T-shirt. His feet were bare.

They were sexy.

Who the hell thought feet were sexy, and how could someone even have sexy feet?

Easy answer.

Apparently, I thought they were sexy, and Cass’s genes had made sure every part of his body screamed sex on a stick.

A stack of files sat in the middle of the table. There was a banker’s box on the floor with more files.

“What is this?” I repeated. “Where are we?”

“You’re a cop, JJ. Figure it out.”

“God, Cass, you are such a fucking⁠—”

“Get your coffee before you get started on… whatever,” Cass said with a little wave of his hand.

I found myself heading for the coffee pot before I even realized I shouldn’t be following any of his orders. The need for caffeine won out. I went to the coffee and filled my mug, which did indeed have what looked like two sugars—I froze as a startling realization hit me. “How do you know how I take my coffee, Cass?” I asked as I continued to stare at the mug.

“Fill the cup and come sit,” Cass said. He sounded tired. Again, my body began following the order without thinking. It took me a painfully long time to go to the table. I glanced at the open door again.

“It’s open because I’m claustrophobic,” Cass stated without looking at me. “You’re free to go if you want, but I’m not going to follow you this time, JJ.”

“Where are my things?” I asked even as I dismissed the door and slowly sat down in the chair across from Cass. “My gun, my phone?”

I believed Cass when he said he wouldn’t follow me. I’d already put enough pieces together to know I was in a wooded area in a higher elevation, which meant I was likely in the mountains far outside the city. It was late spring but that didn’t mean it was warm wherever the hell we were, and judging by the light outside, the sun was going down. That meant cooler temperatures. There probably wouldn’t be any people in the immediate vicinity either, so sure, I could leave, but I’d be wandering in the woods at night without proper clothing. Chances were that I’d be dead in a matter of days if some wild animal didn’t get me first. Whatever was happening was clearly a setup.

“They’re safe,” Cass responded.

I shook my head because the word games were driving me crazy. “Fuck, Cass, just tell me what’s happening! Where are we and why did you bring me here? Where’s Sully? And how the fuck do you know how I take my coffee? We’ve never had coffee together,” I snapped.

Cass flinched for the briefest of moments. He had yet to look at me. When he did lift his eyes, I could honestly say I didn’t recognize them. During the few encounters we’d had in the past couple of weeks, I’d seen a variety of emotions when he’d looked at me, but this time it was different.

He looked so… worn out.

Beaten.

Broken.

I glanced over my shoulder at the open door behind me. He was claustrophobic. Since when? The answer struck me quick and hard.

Prison.

Being in a prison cell for long periods of time would do that.

“This,” Cass said as he motioned to the files in front of him, “is a case we are going to work together.”

“What?” I asked in disbelief. “What case?”

“Our case,” he responded. “All these files represent every piece of evidence the cops had against me when I was put on trial plus some stuff that was never disclosed. You and I are going to stay in this cabin and go through every shred of it. You get to play cop and lawyer, JJ. You get to find the proof in these files that I did what you and everyone in this city, this country, believe I did.”

“I don’t need to look through the evidence because⁠—”

“Because you read the papers, watched the news clips about my trial,” Cass interjected. “Tell me something. If you’d been assigned to investigate this case, would you have relied on the press to get to the truth of what happened? Would you condemn a man to spend the rest of his life in a cage, stripped of every right and freedom, based on what someone else told you happened?”

“No,” I automatically responded because Cass knew it was the only answer a cop—an honest one—would say.

“So find the truth, JJ. Prove it was me beyond a reasonable doubt and I’ll go to the nearest police station and confess to committing the crimes I’m accused of. They’ll toss me back in a cell faster than you can blink.”

I shook my head, but no words came out. The idea of finding concrete proof, which I knew I would if all the evidence really was there, against Cass wasn’t a relief. I hated the idea of him being cuffed and put behind bars, even though that was where he belonged.

Fuck.

I needed to think like a cop and not like someone who’d shared a couple of hot kisses with some guy who’d only been in my life for a few years when I’d been a kid and the occasional holiday whenever he’d been on leave from the Marines.

“Do I get to question you?” I asked.

“Yep. Just like I get to question you. Find me guilty, JJ, but do it the right way. Prove it was me that night.”

“I don’t remember that night,” I barked in frustration. “Everyone knows that. I don’t remember anything that happened weeks, months before that night.”

“Most victims don’t remember traumatic events.”

“It’s not because of trauma, you dick. My brain⁠—”

“May or may not be damaged in the way you think it is,” Cass easily cut in. “I’ve read the news stories, too, JJ—the ones that said you had no memory of what happened because of brain damage—but I’m not going to come to any conclusions until I prove it to myself. I’m not taking someone else’s word for it.”

“What if I say no?” I asked even though I already knew I wouldn’t… couldn’t. I was desperate to fill in the gaps of a time I had no memory of.

“Then we go back to the city. I’m a free man so I’ll go wherever the hell I want, and you, well, you’ll probably go back to trying to prove to your brother that you’re perfectly fine and then you’ll go to some club, drink however much alcohol it takes to start shutting your brain down, and then let any and every guy fuck you so you don’t have to think at all.”

My stomach dropped out at his words. He couldn’t know about any of that. Except he did, which meant…

“You were there. At Tank’s. Last night or the one before.” Humiliation buried itself beneath my skin until it felt like a living thing trying to escape my body in some other way.

Please, God, let me be wrong.

“It was last night,” Cass responded. “And yes, JJ, I was there. I saw everything.”

CHAPTER 11

Cass

Icould see the shame JJ was experiencing because his skin was turning red. His breathing had ticked up too, and he’d dropped his head so he could try to blink back the tears he desperately didn’t want me to see.

“Let them fall, JJ,” I said quietly. “I sure as fuck did.”

After all the chaos of figuring out my next move after getting JJ away from Tank’s had died down and I’d once again been sitting by his bedside, I’d been tormented by images of him throwing himself away in that alley like he was just more garbage that belonged in the dumpster. I’d finally broken down and wept for JJ… for the loss of the man he’d been and the pain he’d been experiencing from the moment that bullet had torn through his brain.

After the tears had all fallen, I’d steeled myself to follow through on my plan so JJ could put the past to rest once and for all. Even if he never remembered that night, I knew he was smart enough to discover that I wasn’t the one who’d shot him. He also deserved the opportunity to come to his own conclusions because he’d never had a choice in determining what had really happened to him and why.

I was banking my life on him being as good a cop as I believed he was because I’d meant what I’d said about admitting to all of the crimes I was accused of if he found something that he felt was proof of what I’d supposedly done. I’d finally come to the decision to turn myself in if JJ found me guilty because I knew I would never truly be free unless he believed me. I’d never outrun my feelings for him. I had no life left to live if JJ remained convinced that I’d done what everyone else was so certain of. Living with that knowledge every day for the rest of my life would be a thousand times worse than spending my remaining days behind bars.

“Tell me about Tank’s,” I murmured. “Tell me about last night and all the other nights. Tell me what drove you to… to let those men⁠—”

“Use me?” JJ questioned. Whatever despair he’d been dealing with was gone, tucked away somewhere in his mind where he didn’t need to deal with it. He was angry.

Hard.

Unforgiving.

“Yes,” I responded as evenly as I could. I didn’t want to hear any of what he was going to tell me. The idea of any man, any person, hurting JJ in any way had already gouged a wound so deep inside of me that I knew it would never truly heal.

“You want all the details, Cass?” JJ asked as he straightened in his chair and took a sip from the coffee. His behavior answered my question. I was going to become one of those men. He was going to use me, albeit in a different way, to escape his true emotions. JJ was going to use every weapon in his arsenal to attempt to shock, disgust, and anger me so I would do what all those other men had done—use him and throw him away.

It wasn’t going to happen.

I didn’t answer him because anything I said was unimportant. The only way JJ would begin to recover from his own wounds was to start lancing them. It wouldn’t be something that could be tackled in a single conversation. I had no way of relating to what he’d gone through after the shooting, just like he’d never be able to understand what I’d experienced from the moment his body had crumpled to the wet asphalt and I’d literally felt his life’s blood draining out of him.

“Do you want to know how the guys fucked me? I mean, like the positions and stuff? Or if they were rough or not? Or did you want to know how many guys fucked me?” JJ asked coldly, his voice even. I was already losing him to wherever he went when he couldn’t deal with what was in front of him.

“Let’s see,” he continued mockingly as he pretended to think. “Well, when I no longer had to shit into a colostomy bag, I figured I’d show off my fresh and shiny asshole to anyone who wanted to see it.”

I kept my mouth shut because anything I said or asked would only feed into his rage.

“Took me a while to get my first come, first served ass out there, though, seeing as how I had to learn how to walk, talk, eat… well, let’s just say I was basically a tall, drooling, useless toddler because the bullet you put into my head took more than just my memory. You literally stole an entire year of my life, Cass. You took my dignity, my control⁠—”

“Your trust,” I interjected since that was the crux of the issue. He’d told me himself that I’d taken away his ability to trust anyone.

“Why did you trust me, JJ?” I asked. “Yeah, you knew me for the three years before I left to join the Marines, and we saw each other a few times after that when I was on leave or between deployments, but why put so much trust in me? We were grown men by the time I was done with my last tour. You had your own life… you were a respected cop who was going to climb the ranks in no time. You had a loving and supportive father and brother, so it makes sense that you trusted them with your life. But why me? Why trust me with your life? That’s what you did, right? I mean, you had to because I could only destroy your trust if you’d given it to me.”

My words knocked him out of his momentary escape from reality. I was treading a fine line between telling him the truth about our previous relationship and letting him remember it on his own.

“Is that one of the questions that torments you?” I asked. “Is it the only one that sends you to places like Tank’s or were there other reasons? Why is it so easy for you to trust that whatever guy is fucking you won’t take it too far and end up killing you, but you don’t trust those closest to you enough to confide in them that you aren’t okay? How many men fucked you without condoms? How many of them put you at risk day after day? Did you trust them?”

I paused briefly to let JJ respond but he didn’t. He kept his eyes on mine, but I could tell he was waging some kind of internal war. He needed to either really hear my words or mentally escape me, and neither side had won out yet.

“I didn’t see a condom on either of the guys who put you on your knees last night so they could fuck you from each end. The guys waiting for their turn had bare dicks, too. They wanted to be able to jerk themselves off as they watched the gangbang play out. Some were probably waiting for their turn, some were probably smart enough not to fuck a guy who could be carrying only God knows what, so they just watched and planned to jerk themselves off while you were taking it from both ends. Maybe the ones waiting in line had condoms in their pockets, maybe they didn’t. I undressed you last night. Not a condom in sight. No lube, either. Most guys probably just spit on their dicks before they shoved them inside you, right?”

I knew I was letting my anger get the better of me, but I couldn’t stop. The image of JJ in that alley had taken over every cell in my body.

“Lube makes it easier on the guy getting fucked but it doesn’t feel as good for the one doing the fucking. And shooting your load into a guy—well, there’s no better feeling, or so I’ve been told, anyway. I’ve never done it that way but since you’ve been bottoming for a while, you can tell me if it feels good to have a stranger’s spunk dripping from your asshole. Actually, with all the loads you’ve taken at one time, I bet it made you come over and over, didn’t it? Or did you not feel anything at all? I guess I’m just confused,” I continued. “You literally put your life at risk with every guy who fucked you and yet you never kissed⁠—”

“Enough!” JJ snapped. He was seething with fury. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he launched himself over the table and pummeled me until I wouldn’t be able to say another word.

“You wanted to know why I was there last night, right?” he spat. “So let’s go back to that. Let’s see, last night…” JJ paused as he pretended to try and remember the events from the previous day. “Well, I guess when this fucker I knew decided it would be fun to play mind games with me, I needed a break from having to think about how badly I wanted to beat the shit out of said fucker.”

“I don’t think that’s what you wanted to do to the fucker,” I said. “I think you were so humiliated and ashamed that you’d let that particular fucker kiss you that you needed to find a different fucker to give you what you wanted. Escape. Peace. How many guys does it take to get those things and how long do those feelings last? Till the next night? Or maybe just for as long as it takes for the train of men to finish with you? Are there enough men on the planet to take your pain away for good, JJ?”

“I don’t know. Am I the only guy you can’t let get away? Am I the only one who makes it easier to forget what it was like being locked in a tiny prison cell with no way out? No way to move freely, make choices for yourself, maintain some shred of dignity in a world designed to take that from you? How many guys’ heads do you need to toy with to find your escape? Your peace?”

“None,” I responded easily. “No man, no person, can give me that. I have to make peace with myself. I have to find a way to stop needing to escape. Believe me, if I could have just left this place and never looked back, I would have done it the second I walked through the first door that turned me from a convict to a free man. There’s no outrunning the shit we’ve both been through. And yes, I know, I deserve all that shit because I brought it on myself,” I said, making sure to say the last line with a heavy dose of sarcasm.

“I didn’t say that,” JJ retorted. Now he was the one catching me off guard.

He tipped his head for a moment. “Okay, maybe I have said it, but I guess…”

I held my breath as I waited for him to say he hadn’t meant it, but the words didn’t come.

“I need to call my brother. He’s probably already losing his shit because I haven’t come home or called in,” JJ said, crossing his arms in quiet defiance.

“Who do you think drove us up here and took my car back home?” I asked as I prepared myself for the impending blow-up.

“You’re lying,” JJ said quietly. He shook his head but kept his eyes on mine. “He would never do that. He hates you as much as I do, maybe more.”

“Fine,” I said. “Believe what you want. I’ll leave that part of the conversation between you and your brother when he comes to get us.”

JJ snorted. “Sure, he’s going to come and get us. Is he bringing Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny with him?”

I sighed. God, I’d forgotten how stubborn the real JJ was. I’d loved and hated the quality at the same time. Despite his kind, sweet nature, he’d never backed down from any challenge. He was loyal to a fault until you did something to betray that loyalty. He protected the people he loved. It was one of the traits that had made him such a great cop.

Did make him a great cop.

JJ might not have been able to return to his former job, but just like the Marines were a part of my blood, the same was true for him. I’d seen proof of that when he’d risked his life to save Jenna and the teenager who’d unwittingly put himself in the line of fire. Despite his hatred of me, he hadn’t let me take the fall for shooting the gunman even though his former colleagues had been itching to take me into custody for any reason.

I was betting my life on my belief that his cop side would overcome his bitter, angry, and distrusting side.

“Sully took my Mustang and your gun and phone with him when he left. My phone and gun are in a very sturdy wall safe in the living room. No one knows we’re here besides your brother, so we should be safe from any outside threats. If you decide to stab me with a pointy object while I’m sleeping or you somehow manage to beat me to death with your bare hands, then stay put in the cabin and Sully will eventually come get you. There’s plenty of food in the fridge and pantry, there’s a grill outside that door, and the closest highway is a four-mile hike through less-than-ideal conditions. By the time we’re done here, you’ll either figure out the code to the safe because it’s a number you’ll find in the files or you’ll have made your judgment as to whether I’m guilty or not,” I said.

“If I manage to beat you to death?” JJ drawled.

I smiled because it didn’t surprise me in the least that those were the words he took issue with. That was my JJ talking.

I shrugged and pretended to read the file in front of me.

“When does all this bullshit start?” he asked.

“Whenever you’re up to it, sweetheart,” I responded. I raised my eyes and slowly raked them over the parts of his body I could see. Based on his response to me in the motel room, I knew that he didn’t stand a chance of resisting me sexually since he was as attracted to me as I was to him. The challenge was for me to keep my hands off him. Not an easy feat considering our forced proximity for the next several days.

“I’m ready now,” he declared. He still had his arms crossed but I could see the lust in his eyes. If he held out his hands, they’d probably be shaking as hard as mine were. I couldn’t help but wonder if the small table we were sitting at would hold our combined weight if it came to that.

“Go for it,” I dared as I motioned to the files.

“Not yet,” JJ said as he glanced at the assortment of files and documents. “Questions first.”

I leaned back in my chair and crossed my own arms. “Do you want to swear me in?” I asked. “I didn’t think to bring a Bible.”

“Not necessary,” he said simply.

His next words blew my attempt at sarcastic humor out of the water.

“How was prison, Cass?”

CHAPTER 12

Jj

It didn’t feel as good as I expected it would.

Throwing Cass off his game had been meant to give me a sense of being on equal footing with him, especially after the humiliation he’d put me through when he’d questioned me about my need to return to Tank’s night after night. His words had been softly spoken but they’d carried a big punch.

His time in prison had nothing to do with the ridiculous task that would supposedly buy my freedom from wherever the hell we were and land him back behind bars. I didn’t believe the stuff he’d told me about Sully or the bullshit that the wall safe code was a number I would know. The crap he’d said about turning himself in and confessing was nonsense too, but if I could find concrete proof of his crimes, I’d make sure his ass went back to prison and he’d stay there.

Cass had, unfortunately, left me with one question running on a loop in my head. A question I had absolutely no answer to. Why had I put so much trust in him despite the fact that I hadn’t seen the man since the last time he’d returned to LA to celebrate some holiday with me and Sully? I didn’t even know when that had been.

I wanted to take back my question about his prison time the second I saw Cass’s reaction to it. He tensed up and glanced at the open door every few seconds. The door that I now realized had nothing to do with me escaping and everything to do with his fear of confinement. I felt like an ass for the way I’d asked the question, too. I’d deliberately made it sound like I was looking forward to his response; like I enjoyed knowing what two years behind bars had done to him.

Backing down wasn’t an option, so I couldn’t take the question back or rephrase it. If he saw even a chink in my armor, he’d use it to his advantage.

He’d already proven that he knew how to do it.

“You were at ADX, the supermax in Colorado, right? If I’m not mistaken, that’s a federal prison that houses the worst of the worst.”

Cass’s expression hardened into an unreadable one. I wasn’t surprised given the man had been a Marine. He’d been trained to withstand any form of torture rather than give up information if he fell into enemy hands.

“Yes,” Cass responded without emotion. The fact that he couldn’t stop checking the door belied any effort he was making to prove he was unaffected by my words.

Unfortunately, his uncontrollable need to keep checking the door meant he’d told the truth about being claustrophobic. I couldn’t let that one truth outweigh all the lies, though.

I wouldn’t.

“So how was it?” I asked.

“I never went to camp when I was a kid, but I think it’s safe to say it was just like that. Extended overnight camp for murderers, rapists, and all sorts of men who preferred their victims young. Really young.”

His brittle response left me with goose bumps.

Bad goose bumps.

This was the Cass who’d killed three people and left me for dead.

“So you were a bit homesick at the beginning but then made friends that would later become buddies for life?” I asked, letting my voice hang on the last word.

“I think this is where I’m supposed to object and say you’re leading the witness,” he responded.

I nodded. “I should be more specific, I guess. Sorry, I’ll get the hang of this,” I quipped. “So, tell me, Mr. Ashby, what did your days consist of at your new sleepaway camp?”

I nearly jumped out of my skin when Cass suddenly shifted in his seat. He settled his arms on the table and leaned in, pinning me with hard, unforgiving eyes.

“When I arrived or when I left?” he asked.

“Both.” The tap dancing was starting to annoy me but only because I really wanted to know. The idea of the Cass I’d known when I was a kid spending his life in a prison cell that had probably been half the size of my bedroom made me sick to my stomach. The Cass I’d known these past few weeks… well, fuck, I didn’t know how I felt about that.

“When I arrived, I got to have more time outside. To make friends, I guess you could say. I made lots of them. I mean, I did kill a federal agent, a snitch, and some little kid who’d basically been just taking up space. And the cop who survived… well, they wanted to give me the title of camp king for that one. But you know what they say about people lifting you up so they can knock you back down just so they can watch the fall.” Cass shrugged. “It was a short honeymoon. Let’s put it that way.”

The man across from me paused for dramatic flair. Despite his sarcasm, I knew his words rang true. Cop killers always had a huge following in prison.

“When I didn’t want to play with the other kids’ toys or pick which baseball team I wanted to be captain of, my new buddies decided if I wasn’t going to play then I wasn’t going to play.”

“What does that mean?”

“Didn’t your precious news clips tell you about any of that, JJ?” Cass asked. The muscles in his face hadn’t relaxed for even a second. “Well, after I decided I liked keeping to myself, the other boys figured I needed to be taken down a few notches. The camp counselors didn’t like how many boys I kept sending to the nurse’s office after they tried to poke me with small but very sharp objects, so they decided I should have some quiet time by myself. Don’t get me wrong, it was nice to have some privacy, but getting a full sixty minutes every day to breathe fresh air or feel the sun on my face got really old really fast. My accommodations were quiet, food and water were served through a slot in my door at regular intervals, and there were no pesky clocks, so I never had to worry what time it was. No phone calls to deal with, no annoying visitors to disrupt my peace and quiet, and nothing more than a few books, a pad of paper, and some dull pieces of charcoal sticks to entertain me kept my schedule pretty wide open.”

“You were in solitary,” I murmured. In my early days as a cop, I’d been hungry for knowledge of every aspect of my job, so I’d read whatever articles and studies I could get my hands on. A study on what solitary confinement did to the average person in just a matter of days had been so disturbing that, to this day, I couldn’t get the mental images out of my brain. All sense of time and place were taken away. Little to no human contact, no natural light other than the single hour in the heavily guarded yard that reminded the confined person of what they were missing out on the rest of the twenty-three hours of the day. Many of the already unbalanced prisoners went completely insane when kept in solitary for too long.

The punishment had been designed to torture prisoners in the cruelest way possible so that when they returned to the general population, they’d behave themselves just to avoid the hell of solitary again.

“You know the best part about solitary,” Cass said with an ugly grin. “The rooms are designed so that there’s no pointy object in sight. No sharp edges on the bed frame, no place to put a noose, not enough material to make a noose⁠—”

“Enough,” I snapped. I felt sick to my stomach at the thought of Cass in a place like that. That he’d even contemplated taking his own life made me want to throw up.

I wasn’t supposed to feel sick, though. I was supposed to feel relief that justice had been done.

“The really best part is the knowledge that at any moment you could run out of air or that they’d forget about you, and you’d starve to death. And, of course, knowing no one would hear your screams was always a comfort. If they didn’t hear your demands and pleas to be let out of that dark, empty, lifeless hole then they weren’t close enough to disturb your peace and⁠—”

“I said enough!”

“Don’t waste your breath with the next obvious question, Counselor, because I can’t answer it. I have no fucking clue how long I was in there for. No clock, remember? I can tell you the room was home until a guard showed up one day and told me I was being transferred back to LA to spend some time behind bars there. Solitary was called protective custody out here. Still, there was no place like home,” Cass drawled.

Even if he’d wanted me to believe he’d managed to come out the other side of solitary with his mind completely intact, his body couldn’t play along. He was sweating and his skin had paled considerably. His fingers were twitching but he didn’t seem to be aware of it. Not to mention the door. Whether he knew it or not, he kept looking at it.

I remembered the moment in his motel room when he’d gone to the door and opened it for no apparent reason before closing it again.

God, the room had been so dark and closed off. Cass had done that for me, for my comfort. He’d left himself with no fresh air to breathe and only a sliver of light to confirm whether it was light or dark outside, despite the presence of a clock in the room. He’d only opened that door to make sure it hadn’t somehow gotten locked from the outside.

The lack of doors in the upstairs bedroom made sense now. Tears stung the backs of my eyes as I began to truly understand the extent of the damage that had been done to him by the same system I’d worked for. How many men and women had I put behind bars who’d ended up like Cass? Locked away, alone and forgotten. Serving their time behind bars was one thing, but being put in a room with nothing and no one… no ability to know if it was day or night, no idea of how many days had passed and how many were yet to come. I believed in guilty people serving their sentence, but not like that. Not in a way that slowly drove them insane.

The kitchen became deathly silent as we sat there. A cool breeze blew through the open door, but I didn’t dare protest about it being open. My discomfort was a pebble in a pond compared to the relief that door offered Cass.

“Next question, Counselor,” Cass demanded. I could tell he was trying to escape the memories of solitary confinement. I wanted to escape the same thing.

I took a couple of subtle deep breaths so I could focus.

“Have you been home since you were released?” I asked. “I don’t remember reading about any of your family members being at your appeals hearing.”

Cass chuckled. It was still ugly and unnatural, and I still hated it.

“Let’s just say the Ashby red carpet hasn’t been laid out for me yet.”

“They won’t let you come home?” I asked. I wanted real answers, and yet the man kept using sarcasm and twisted humor whenever he responded. “And no more beating around the bush, Cass. I want the truth. You didn’t have any problem exposing things about me that I didn’t want anyone else to know about.”

Cass pulled in a deep breath and released it. “Fine,” he said crisply. “I have no idea if they want to see me or not. My father is either too busy cheating on his latest trophy wife or snorting some kind of designer drug up his nose and drowning himself in alcohol to notice me or care. I can honestly say the feeling is mutual. I don’t even know what Chandler Ashby III looks like anymore.”

“Did you ever visit them when you were on leave from the military?”

“This is relevant how, Couns⁠—”

“Just answer the question, Cass,” I said. It wasn’t relevant to the case, but he’d made sure to expose my personal secrets in great detail. I had the right to do the same.

“I only saw my grandmother those few times I came home,” Cass responded. His tone was lighter now. It felt like we were having an actual conversation instead of an interrogation.

“You were always close to her, weren’t you?”

“Yes.”

“Why?” I asked.

Cass had never been much of a talker when it came to his family, even as a teenager. He had, however, mentioned his grandmother more than once. Sully had always believed that Cass had turned down our father’s offer for him to live with us full time because of his grandmother. While I didn’t know everything about the prominent Ashby family, I did know they were like a pack of jackals—always fighting each other over whatever scraps were left behind.

Cass had always tried to shield his gentle and kindhearted grandmother from the rest of the family. While he didn’t have any full-blooded siblings, he had a much younger half brother and had also had a half sister who’d only been a few years younger than Cass when she’d taken her own life. Beyond that, there were a slew of stepmothers, step siblings, and a shit ton of uncles, cousins, and whatever other vermin left their dens long enough to get their cut of the Ashby money before they slunk back to their holes.

“My mother died young. Leukemia. Radiation and chemotherapy were her only chance of survival. The first round didn’t take. She was given several weeks of rest before round two was set to start. One of the first things the doctors do before they start treatment is to run a pregnancy test. Doesn’t matter what the patient tells them,” Cass said quietly.

“She didn’t know she was pregnant,” I murmured.

“Six weeks along. My father had decided sex with his once pretty, young wife was more important than letting her body recover from the first round of chemo and radiation. Didn’t matter that she was bald. Didn’t matter that she could barely stand or that she couldn’t do something as simple as feeding herself. The fucker took pleasure in hurting her when she was at her lowest. He humiliated her, degraded her, and stuck his dick into as many other women as he could because his sickly wife couldn’t satisfy his needs.” Cass paused for a few beats.

I already knew his mother had passed away before he’d been old enough to remember her, but like everything Ashby, the ugly truth had been carefully kept locked away with all the other family secrets. The Ashbys were akin to royalty in California and across the country. The first Ashby had hit it big in the California gold rush and from there, the Ashby patriarchs had continued to grow their wealth and connections, both business and political.

Until Cass’s father had come along. He hadn’t lived by the same set of rules that his male ancestors had. There’d been rumors that he’d set his eye on a path that would ultimately lead to the White House, but for whatever reason the man hadn’t even tried to run for any kind of political position.

“Your mother chose to have you instead of continuing the treatment,” I offered.

Cass nodded and then fell silent for a while. It was all I could do not to reach across the table and offer my hand so that he’d have something, someone to cling to while he relived the past.

Another ugly chuckle fell from his lips as he shook his head slowly back and forth. His eyes were down but I doubted he was really seeing anything. “The doctors told her that they were certain they could get her into remission if they continued the treatments. Even if she hadn’t been able to live a long life, she could have had years left. Instead, she chose to have the baby who’d been fathered by a piece-of-shit man who hadn’t deserved her. She could have divorced him and moved on with her life. Started a new family with someone she loved and who loved her back.”

“She did have a family, Cass. Someone she loved and who loved her back,” I said pointedly as I kept my eyes on him.

Cass’s mental withdrawal was like watching the ocean tide being pulled back out to sea.

“Yeah,” he said unevenly. “Um, listen, can we pick this up tomorrow? It’s been a long day.”

Cass didn’t give me a chance to respond. He was up and moving toward the open door. I assumed he was going to close it but instead, he walked through it and put his hand on the knob so he could close it behind him. He paused long enough to say, “I’m just going to check the perimeter. If you want to lock the door, go for it, but I’ve got a key for the front door. I suppose you can try barring the doors⁠—”

“Go, Cass,” I said quietly. I didn’t like how much it hurt to see him like this. Waffling back and forth between using sarcasm to pretend he was unaffected from our talk and exposing slivers of pain that he probably hadn’t wanted me to see.

Cass left the kitchen, closing the door behind him. It was nearly dark out, so the fact that he seemed comfortable walking around in the dark meant he likely knew the area well. The cabin, as rustic as it was, probably belonged to his family. Unfortunately, none of that information would do me any good since I had no way of reaching someone from the outside world.

Hell, who would I even reach?

If what Cass was saying about Sully being involved in all this turned out to be true, then my big brother wouldn’t take action because he never acted without thinking. He’d been like that my entire life. Cool, calm, unfazed… always armed with a plan and the determination to follow that plan to the letter.

I sighed as I looked at all the file folders in front of me. It would take countless hours to sift through them all. Part of me was eager to get started so I could finally know what had happened the night of my shooting.

In detail.

I climbed to my feet and headed for the refrigerator. It hit me as I was reaching to open the fridge that I was excited to go through all those files so I could find out what had happened, not because I was determined to prove Cass had hurt me and killed all those people. No, I wanted the truth, whatever it might be.

God, when had I started to see Cass as a suspect and not the convicted killer he was? Why the hell was I thinking about what kind of food was in the cabin and not trying to find a way to escape or, at least, defend myself? Why did I feel… comfortable?

I glanced over my shoulder at the files.

I felt comfortable because I was. If Cass had wanted me dead, he could have taken my life several times over since he’d been released. He’d saved my life instead. Letting Jenna’s stalker shoot me would have been the perfect way to get me out of the picture and still keep his nose clean because it would have been impossible to pin my death on him.

My thoughts shifted to the previous night’s events. I had gotten my feelings hurt by Cass’s rejection after he’d kissed me in his motel room. I’d been desperate to escape the shame and humiliation, but instead of dealing with it, I’d gone running to Tank’s. The first thing I’d done after reaching Tank’s had been to start downing cheap scotch as fast as I could so I’d be able to withstand what I knew was going to happen to me… what I was going to allow to happen.

Cass had stepped in there too. He’d had absolutely no reason to intervene in that alley. Yes, I’d taken his car, but Tank had taken the keys, so Cass would have easily been able to get them back if that was all he’d wanted.

He hadn’t been there for his car.

He’d been there for me.

Why?

His question about trust had stumped me. Why was I blaming him for stealing my ability to trust anyone? Sully had been his best friend. If anything, my brother should have been the one who didn’t trust Cass, and yet here I was.

Sully had always been overprotective of me, even after I’d graduated from the police academy. Even if Cass was lying about him being a party to my “kidnapping,” Sully would have been breaking down doors all over Southern California to find me after I’d gone missing from Jenna’s forty-eight hours earlier. My brother had resources everywhere. He had highly trained men working for him. He knew people who could break into computers as easily as someone picking the lock on a door.

Sully would have found me before Cass had even had the chance to take me from Tank’s and disappear with me.

“Fuck,” I breathed as my head started to pound. The pain behind my right eye began to build upon itself until I had no choice but to let my back slide down the front of the fridge until I was sitting on the floor. I squeezed my eyes shut in the hopes of cutting the pain off at the onset, but it was too late.

What if Cass had been right? What if my inability to remember the night of the shooting did have to do with the mental trauma? The pain did always seem to occur most often when I was dealing with some kind of stressor.

I couldn’t give my own question much thought because I began to feel sick to my stomach as the pain increased. I held perfectly still in the hopes I could at least slow the pain and nausea long enough to get upstairs so I could lie down, but it was no use.

I wasn’t going anywhere for a while, and with the way things had been going with Cass, I doubted he’d come to my rescue ever again.

“Good going, JJ,” I whispered to myself just before the darkness swallowed me whole.

CHAPTER 13

Cass

The cool air and eerie silence should have felt good as I weaved between the trees and stepped over the various branches and rocks that threatened to steal my balance. Good night vision was another thing I had the military to thank for.

Too bad they hadn’t taught me how to deal with the lingering bitterness from my childhood. Of course, my upbringing couldn’t be called traumatic or anything like that. I knew many men and women who’d had it much worse. I hadn’t been abused, there’d always been plenty of food on the table, I’d been the most popular guy in my high school, and to cap off my rich kid blues, one of my father’s personal assistants had handed me the keys for an insanely expensive sports car before I’d even turned sixteen.

I might not have had the most supportive family in the world, but my grandmother, who’d pretty much raised me, had always watched over me, even after my father had taken over the Ashby empire and written me off as the “black sheep.” Sully, JJ, and Sean Ferguson had filled in the gaps by showing me what unconditional love really was. They were the only reason I’d had enough strength to join the military at eighteen instead of going for the Ivy League college education that had been purchased for me before I’d even gotten into high school. It hadn’t mattered that my grades had sucked or that I hadn’t even decided at that age what I’d wanted to do with my life. The Ashbys didn’t get the best of the best because of things like intelligence or strength of character.

Everything was bought and paid for, if not in advance, then afterwards when indiscretions needed to be covered up by buying victims off, or scandals needed to be kept out of the tabloids. Any attempt at exposing the Ashbys for who they really were was met with a swift and powerful response that left the lives of those doing the exposing in tatters.

JJ was the only one who’d ever gotten more than two words about my family out of me.

Both before the shooting and now.

He was the biggest threat to my future and yet he still held the most power over me.

And he had no fucking clue.

I paused my forward motion and pulled in a few deep breaths of the fresh, clean air before I started back toward the cabin. A full, bright moon made the journey back much quicker, though part of me never wanted to walk back into that place. If I knew JJ was waiting there to welcome me back in some way, I never would have left the cabin in the first place, but we were nowhere near that stage, and I doubted we ever would be. If by some miracle he determined that I hadn’t done what I’d been accused of, things wouldn’t magically become normal. We wouldn’t be able to pick up from the night we’d left off because he didn’t remember that night. And even if he did, we’d been at the very beginning of exploring our feelings for one another.

The shooting had changed all that for good. There was no way to come back from all the damage that had been done. I wasn’t a guy worth waiting up for at night, and I doubted JJ would ever feel comfortable around me no matter the circumstances.

Upon reaching the kitchen door, I took a couple more deep breaths as if I needed to store them away for future use. The light was still on and, thankfully, the door wasn’t locked or barred. I could see through the window on the upper part of the door that the files were still on the table.

No JJ, though.

I wasn’t sure if I was relieved or disappointed. I supposed I’d wanted to at least see JJ digging into the files with enthusiasm. It would mean he was taking the situation seriously and not just coming to the same conclusion others had been feeding him for years.

It didn’t really matter, anyway. I knew I hadn’t killed anyone, but I’d already spent hours poring through the files and hadn’t found anything that would point to who’d actually committed the crime. I still didn’t know if I’d been framed or if JJ had been targeted for some unknown reason. My only hope was that JJ’s past as a cop and his natural ability to see problems where others couldn’t would pay off.

The second I stepped inside the kitchen, I knew something was off. I could feel it.

I opened my mouth to call out for JJ but froze when I heard my own name being spoken in the quietest of whispers.

“JJ!” I called when I saw him lying on the floor in front of the refrigerator. It took just seconds to reach him, but it felt like hours.

“JJ,” I repeated as I carefully ran my fingers along his temple. He was curled into a ball and little whimpers kept spilling from his throat.

“Talk to me, JJ,” I said, keeping my voice soft.

“Lights,” he choked out. I could hear the tears in that one simple word.

Tears of pain.

Deep, physical pain.

I jumped to my feet and slammed my hand down on the light switch, plummeting the kitchen into darkness. I had the sense to snatch a pack of frozen vegetables from the freezer before dropping down next to him. “Is it your head?” I asked, more to keep him talking than anything else.

I could feel the slightest nod against the hand I’d placed back on his forehead. He was hot to the touch.

Fuck, why hadn’t I considered the possibility that he could end up experiencing something like this? I’d told the truth when I’d said that the nearest road was miles away and it wasn’t an easy walk to get there. An ambulance probably wouldn’t make it up the steep, curving dirt road that led to the cabin.

“Damn it,” I snapped. “JJ, sweetheart, can you hold on until Sully gets here?”

I didn’t wait for him to respond. I needed to get to the safe and retrieve the special satellite phone that would have the reception to make the call.

“Don’t,” JJ croaked as weak fingers wrapped around my wrist. “Stay,” the young man sprawled before me on the cold kitchen floor breathed.

“Okay,” I said shakily. I lowered myself to a kneeling position. “I’ve got you,” I assured him as I wrapped my fingers around his. Although I knew I shouldn’t, I couldn’t resist the need to ease him into my lap so that his upper body was resting against mine. JJ whimpered several times but once I had him in my arms, he pressed his head against my shoulder. I wrapped both arms around him and held him as perfectly still as I could. I still had the frozen vegetables in my hand, so I pressed that against his forehead.

Then I started talking.

And talking.

And kept talking.

I lost track of what I was saying but it was mostly just nonsense. Silly stuff I remembered from some of the brighter times in my early childhood with my grandmother as well as stories about when I’d been restoring my car with JJ’s family and how he had helped every step of the way. The more I talked to JJ, the more panicked I became when he didn’t respond to me in any kind of way. Physically, I could see that he was sleeping, but in my mind’s eye all I could see was him lying in my arms in the middle of a cold, wet street, his life’s blood literally draining out of him.

I could still feel the heat of his blood as it dripped down my arm. I could hear his ragged breathing; I could smell the tar from the street’s recently repaired cracks and divots. My throat hurt from calling out for help that wasn’t coming fast enough, and my eyes stung from the tears I hadn’t known I’d even been shedding until long after the police had dragged me away from JJ’s body in cuffs and put me in a squad car where the last thing I’d seen before the car had sped off was the sight of JJ lying sprawled on the ground, his shirt open and paramedics jolting him with paddles in order to keep his heart beating.

“Cass…”

JJ’s faint voice had me catching my breath in disbelief. The blood, the tar, the tears—they were all a lie. A terrible nightmare from which I was finally escaping.

“Cass!”

JJ’s shout knocked the sleep right out of me.

He was gone. I knew it before I could confirm it with my eyes. My arms were empty. I was still on my knees on the kitchen floor, but JJ wasn’t there.

I was alone.

“JJ—” I croaked before my body shut me down. I couldn’t move. It was like someone had encased me in cement.

“I’m right here, Cass,” JJ responded. “Just open your eyes.”

Weren’t they already open?

JJ’s hand was on my cheek, his thumb rhythmically passing over my skin. I opened my eyes to confirm what I was feeling.

“JJ…” I managed to get out when I saw his gorgeous, mismatched eyes, one a warm brown color with flecks of gold circling the iris, the other as green as the pine trees around us. His dark hair had rays of sunlight washing over it, making the minuscule spots of the dust that danced between his hair and the sun’s rays more visible.

“Thank you,” I whispered to whoever was listening as I closed my eyes long enough to send the message of gratitude to whatever place the silent pleas, joyous celebrations, and everlasting gratefulness went.

“Can you move your arms slowly, one at a time? Slowly, Cass. You’ve been in the same position for a while now,” JJ warned, his soft words still managing to carry the strength of iron.

I didn’t even know if I was following the order until I saw JJ rubbing his hands up and down my forearms. Seconds later, reality knocked the breath from my lungs as one microscopic needle after another was jabbed into my skin from the inside of my body. The harsh awakening of the muscles in just those two limbs was enough to cause a cascade of agony to rush over my body as each part came alive. I would have loved to feel JJ’s hands desperately massaging different parts of my body to help get the blood flowing again, but all I could do was see him doing it.

God, karma really was a bitch.

The one time JJ was willingly touching me and I couldn’t feel it.

“Can you stand?” JJ asked as he moved behind me. Enough sensation had returned that I could at least feel his hands gently kneading the spasming muscles between my shoulder blades.

“Yeah,” I bit out even though I wasn’t sure I could do it.

It took several attempts, but as I shifted my legs, one of JJ’s arms went around my waist while the other carefully eased my arm around his shoulders.

“Okay, up,” he urged. The need to remain still and let the sharp needles return to wherever they’d come from was great, but the need to keep JJ from overexerting himself as he helped me off the floor was greater.

A few tries later, I was upright, gingerly shifting my feet back and forth to stimulate the blood flow. It felt like every muscle in my body was locking up tight, making me a prisoner in my own body.

JJ’s soft words of encouragement helped, but it wasn’t until he used his free hand to rub my chest and arms and anywhere else he could reach that I could feel the pain in my upper body beginning to ease as my muscles relaxed one by one.

My legs hurt like hell, especially my knees. When I’d pulled JJ onto my lap the night before, I hadn’t even considered that we’d end up in the position I’d chosen for more than an hour or two. Considering the sun was just coming up, the reality was that I’d been in a kneeling position for half a dozen hours. After having JJ in my lap, I hadn’t wanted to move him again, so I hadn’t shifted to a more comfortable position. I was paying for it now.

“I’m good,” I murmured when my upper body and limbs began to loosen. Unfortunately, as each one relaxed, my body felt heavier. The idea that I was good enough to stand on my own fell by the wayside when I tried to take my first step. My right knee buckled, but I didn’t hit the floor because JJ was supporting most of my weight.

“You’re doing good,” JJ said. For his sake, I hoped that each jarring step I took would make it so I didn’t have to rely on him to hold me up for too long.

“Your head—” I began to say before JJ cut me off.

“Is fine. Focus on each step, Cass. Try stretching each leg before you take a step.”

No way in hell was I going to do that because it would put even more weight on him.

“I said to stretch each leg before you moved forward,” JJ said curtly. He sounded more irritated than pissed. I probably shouldn’t have liked his bossiness so much. I always gave the orders. I never took them.

It took several steps before JJ’s suggestion—no, order—began to pay off. Feeling began to return to the rest of my muscles. The pain wasn’t terrible, but I still wasn’t strong enough to take my weight off him.

I limped across the floor as quickly as I could. I knew our destination was the living room couch, so I only had to get through a couple dozen more steps to reach the old, dusty piece of furniture.

Once we reached the cabin’s entryway, I started to go straight to enter the living room, but JJ shifted us to the left so that we were standing at the base of the stairs leading to the upper floor.

“We’re gonna take this slow, okay?” JJ said.

“Just put me on the couch,” I growled. Between my muscles all trying to remember how to work together and the heavy exhaustion that was consuming me, stairs were a level of humiliation I could do without. I really didn’t need JJ to see me hugging the thin banister as I climbed each step. “The couch⁠—”

“Shut up, Cass. It’s still my turn to talk, and if I want you to take it fucking slow when we go up these stairs then we’re going to take it fucking slow!”

There was that familiar stubbornness that was built into the DNA of all the men in the Ferguson family. Sully was the proverbial bull in a china shop when he wanted something, while their father had been a quiet kind of stubborn. Like Goldilocks, JJ had fit somewhere in the middle. He knew when to be the right kind of stubborn, and right now my JJ was being just that.

My JJ.

God, I missed thinking of him that way.

I was wise enough to keep the endearment to myself and spent the next several minutes focusing on the steps. Most of my cramping muscles began to relax, but I felt utterly drained.

And helpless.

God, I really fucking hated being helpless.

As grateful as I was that JJ was going to give me the only bed in the cabin to lie down in, I was more concerned about his need to rest. I had no idea how long he’d been in pain both before and after I’d found him on the floor the previous night. It didn’t really matter, though, because I’d seen the level of agony he was forced to endure when he had one of his episodes. It wasn’t even on the same spectrum as my own discomfort. He needed rest. Real rest. I just needed a few minutes to loosen up my body, pop a couple of ibuprofens, and I was good.

“JJ—”

“Cass…” he said in warning.

God, he was fucking stubborn, but it had been that determination, that fierceness, that had saved his life after the shooting. He’d had to use it all over again when he’d woken up afterwards only to find that he’d have to learn all of the most basic skills needed to live life every day. On top of that, he’d had to live with the knowledge that he’d lost pieces of his own life.

I’d take his stubbornness over his hatred of me every time.

“We need to keep moving,” JJ said.

He wasn’t encouraging me anymore. He was downright telling me what to do.

I couldn’t help but wonder if he’d be like that in bed. After our first kiss the night before he’d gotten shot, I’d tagged him as being more of the submissive type. The way he’d kissed me on the canyon road had changed my thinking. His current way of ordering me around was waking up the one part of me that was never tired when it came to JJ.

Would he take control in bed? Would it be a battle of the senses to see who ultimately determined how and when we each found the prize of sweet release? I had the advantage of strength, but JJ had already proven he knew how to get what he wanted.

I was panting when we finally reached the bedroom but as soon as I headed toward the bed, JJ veered me off course and in an entirely different direction.

The bathroom.

There could be only one reason he’d take me in there and it was a humiliation I really had no wish to endure.

“JJ, I don’t⁠—”

“Are you fucking kidding me? What did I tell you to do with that mouth?” JJ asked in disbelief as he looked me dead in the eye, daring me to continue.

With my free hand, I made the motion of zipping my lips. If JJ wanted to stand me in front of a toilet, or worse, sit me on one, he’d have no right to complain about it later. At least the embarrassment would kill off my impending boner. Of course, his comment about him telling me what to do with my mouth was counterbalancing the whole needing his help to take a piss thing.

I didn’t object again when JJ shuffled me into the bathroom. I didn’t object when he turned his back on me. I didn’t even object when he turned the shower on, waited until the temperature satisfied him, and then turned back to me.

A certain part of me didn’t object at all when JJ reached for the hem of my T-shirt.

Okay, he’s helping you undress so you can piss and then shower. Get control of yourself, asshole.

The removal of my shirt was bad enough, especially when JJ’s fingertips coasted over my abdomen, but when he went for the fly of my jeans, I did open my mouth to protest.

This time, I wasn’t prepared for JJ’s warning to remain silent. I wasn’t prepared because his mouth was on mine before I could say anything. I couldn’t stifle the moan that erupted somewhere deep in my chest. His tongue slid against mine for a whisper of a second and then his mouth was gone.

He flipped the button on my jeans open but then stopped suddenly and crouched down. “Put your hands on my shoulders,” he ordered before he unceremoniously grabbed my boot and began pulling at it, forcing me to do as he said.

Shoes, right. He needed to take off my shoes.

Shoes.

Shoes.

Dear God, what was happening to me?

I could only pray that I wasn’t repeating the word “shoes” out loud because I’d come off as a maniac. Truth be told, my brain was too fogged over with lust to really care.

When he straightened, he once again reached for my zipper. As badly as I wanted him, I knew JJ would regret kissing me as soon as he was past the pity party he was throwing me.

“JJ—”

He kissed me again.

Harder.

Deeper.

Longer.

Much, much longer.

“Jesus,” I breathed when he broke the kiss.

“If you want my mouth back on yours, you’ll stop saying my name until I tell you to say it,” JJ said as evenly as if he were warning me I’d be put in a time-out.

That was what I needed, though.

A time-out.

Time.

I just really wanted time.

For time to stop.

For time to slow.

For time to go backwards so I could spot the danger long before the bullet could even leave the chamber of the gun firing it.

I also wanted time to fast-forward past all the shit that was yet to come so I’d never have to wonder if JJ felt about me even half of how I felt about him.

If only everything besides me and JJ could remain still for a while.

I closed my eyes but kept my mouth shut when he lowered my fly. It seemed to take him much longer than it needed to and a hell of a lot more touching was involved than was necessary. Since I wasn’t wearing briefs, JJ was greeted with undeniable proof of what he was doing to me.

“That’s better,” he murmured before he kissed me again. My naked back hit the wall between the doorframe and the bathtub that doubled as the shower.

Every kiss was longer and more searing than the one before. I briefly wondered if he planned on leaving me hanging in my state of unbridled lust like I’d left him when I’d put an end to the kiss in my motel room. I realized I didn’t care. I’d take any part of JJ’s sensual assault that I could get.

I remained against the wall when JJ once again ended the kiss. I no longer gave a shit about him seeing my hard-on. He already knew what he was doing to me. He knew the power he yielded. He had every right to do with it what he wanted.

Once my pants were gone, I fully expected JJ to order me to get beneath the spray of the shower. I just hoped he kissed me one more time before he did, though.

He didn’t kiss me again.

Not while he was slowly removing his own clothing.

Not while his eyes remained glued to mine as he stepped out of his pants.

Not even when he began stroking his own hard dick.

“Get in the shower, Cass,” JJ said, his voice uneven, his eyes hungry. I had no clue if there would be any more kisses, but I really needed to find out.

So I did exactly what he said.

CHAPTER 14

Jj

What am I doing?

That was the question I kept asking myself as I started slowly pulling my clothes off while Cass watched me with unveiled desire.

All the confidence I’d had as I’d repeatedly told Cass to shut up throughout the course of getting him off the kitchen floor and moving him to the only bathroom in the cabin was wavering quickly.

I could have easily told Cass to get in the shower and left him there so he could let the hot water soothe his stiff muscles, but every time I’d told myself that was exactly what I’d do, I’d done the opposite.

The fact was, I wanted him.

Badly.

I’d been wanting him from the moment he’d kissed me on that quiet canyon road. Despite all the humiliation I’d had to deal with each time he’d put his mouth on mine, my body had been and still was starved for his touch.

My mind had been fighting all those encounters and had passed them off as nothing more than a biological reaction, one that I’d had no control over. It had all been bullshit.

That fact had been strikingly apparent when I’d woken up on the kitchen floor, my upper body cradled in Cass’s arms.

I hadn’t remembered much about the night before other than the blinding pain in my head that had left me completely helpless. At the time I’d been certain that my brain had finally decided to call it quits and give in to the damage left behind, but once again, my eyes had opened, and I was thrust back into a reality I wasn’t sure I even wanted anymore.

It had taken me a while to get my bearings. One of the first things I’d seen had been an array of blurry images and black lines and curves. I might not have been able to see clearly, but I had been pretty sure what they were. The first thing I’d felt had been even better: strong, warm fingers gently pressed against the spot where my throat met my shoulder. What I already knew to be a broad chest had been the pillow for my right cheek but there’d been no skin to revel in, just the soft material of a well-worn shirt.

Cass’s shirt.

Cass’s fingers.

Cass’s broad chest.

Despite the lingering pain in my head, I’d taken a moment to run my fingers over the denim-clad thigh my hand had been resting on. I’d assumed Cass was awake, but he hadn’t stirred.

I’d said his name softly, but there’d been no response beyond the up-and-down movement of his chest.

After repeating his name again, along with giving him a little shake, fear had taken over and I’d tried to extricate myself from his hold. That had been the only time he’d seemed to react to my presence because he’d tightened his arms around me—not enough to feel like he was trying to keep me imprisoned but more like he was content to have me stay where I was.

The little whimper that had escaped his lips had told me that he wasn’t just faking sleep so he could keep me where I was. It’d been a whimper of pain.

At that point, I’d started the painstaking process of getting myself out of his arms so I could take stock of any injuries Cass might have had, maybe from his walk the night before. It was only when I’d stiffly climbed to my feet that I’d realized what the problem was.

Cass had been kneeling on the floor instead of sitting on it. With me wrapped in his arms and my lower body draped over his thighs, he had likely been stuck in that position the entire night. I’d been using his larger body as a pillow while he’d been on his knees. Thankfully, he’d lowered his ass so it was resting on the backs of his legs, but I wondered why he hadn’t shifted his body into a different position so he’d be more comfortable.

I’d been horrified at the thought of Cass being forced to remain in the uncomfortable position all night because of me.

Then I’d realized he hadn’t been forced to hold me.

Cass had chosen to hold me in his arms all night.

He’d chosen to maintain a position that would offer him no comfort but would ensure mine, probably because he hadn’t wanted to risk moving me any more than he already had.

Cass had chosen to use his body to bring mine relief.

The man had been a Marine for a large chunk of his adult life, so he understood what it meant to be holed up in the same position for hours at a time, but I doubted any of those had been the kind of position he’d put himself in to protect me. At any point after he’d fallen asleep, his arms could have relaxed to the point that I would have slipped from his hold, but that hadn’t happened. He’d kept me in his arms the entire time. After I’d woken up, he’d been whispering my name, then he’d been calling out to me. I hadn’t understood everything he’d said, but it hadn’t mattered.

The way he’d said it had mattered.

Between Cass instinctively holding me all night and having disturbing dreams about me, the fog that had been mulling about inside my head had lifted.

It had changed something inside of me.

Although I’d ordered Cass around after waking him up, I’d been unsure of my plan. It wasn’t until we’d reached the top landing of the staircase that the strands of self-doubt had begun to wrap themselves throughout my brain.

I could have just as easily gotten Cass undressed and helped him into the shower, but I hadn’t been able to let go, especially once I’d had the proof I needed that he hadn’t wanted me to go anywhere.

After that, I hadn’t cared about the consequences of my actions. Everything was going to change anyway, so why not take this one moment for myself and pretend I could be everything Cass was looking for?

Once I’d given myself permission to not think and just feel, I’d tormented Cass in a way I never thought would have been possible. The larger, naturally dominant man had been fully under my control. He could have easily chosen not to be. If he’d taken me in his arms and kissed me, I would have happily relinquished all the power I’d seemed to have over him.

But he had let me have control.

It was an addictive thing, to have another person willingly give up their power because of nothing more than trust. To control their physical responses to an intimate touch here and a softly spoken promise there.

Watching Cass now as he stiffly climbed into the shower, I debated whether I was doing the right thing. The man had already given me so much of himself. Did I really want to take advantage of his vulnerability?

The look in Cass’s eyes when he turned around was answer enough. True, his lids were heavy, but the stark need in his gaze was impossible to miss. His dick was further proof of what he wanted. He hadn’t stepped into the spray of the water yet, so I could see the pre-cum leaking from the head of his dick and sliding down the shaft. The shaft he was slowly stroking.

Selfish asshole that I was, all I could think about was my lips opening to welcome that thick cock. I wanted to feel every throbbing vein that ran the length of it. I wanted to swallow it so far down my throat that I’d feel the wiry hair at his groin against my nose. I’d feel his balls slapping against my skin as he fucked my face. I’d drink down every drop of his release and I’d keep my eyes locked with his the whole time.

My self-doubt chose that exact moment to once again strike.

Why would Cass want me? Sure, he might have been physically attracted to me at one point, but then he’d found me in a trash-filled alley, on my hands and knees, waiting to get fucked from each end by two men whose names I hadn’t known or even cared about. I really was the cock slut that most of the men at the club had always called me. I didn’t know how to kiss, but I was a pro when it came to deepthroating whatever dick was pushed past my lips.

Why would Cass want someone like that? He could do better. He deserved better.

“Turn around,” I said softly. Tears stung the backs of my eyes when Cass didn’t hesitate to do as I said. With the constant voice in my head reminding me what the limits of this encounter needed to be, I stepped into the shower and put my hands above Cass’s hips so I could urge him to stand beneath the spray of the hot water.

It was a tight fit when I moved behind him so I could massage his shoulders and neck. Keeping my dick from rubbing against Cass’s ass was next to impossible, but every time I wanted to push my hard flesh forward to increase the contact, I reminded myself of who I really was.

Cass let out a soft groan as I continued to massage him. I spotted a small bottle of shower gel along with a similarly sized bottle of shampoo on the edge of the tub.

The size of the bottles made my stomach drop out as I realized they didn’t need to be any larger because Cass didn’t plan on us being at the cabin for very long.

I forced myself to grab the shower gel and put a generous amount in my hands. Washing Cass’s body was heaven and hell. I smoothed out his muscles as much as I could but when my hands reached his backside, I faltered. It was only when Cass gently pressed his forehead against the side of the shower that I knew I had to keep going. What I was doing made him feel good.

That was enough of a reason to continue even if I was also taking pleasure in the act myself.

I’d never actually topped another guy because my body had always craved the idea of being filled and I’d never really questioned it. Now, though, as I massaged the tight globes of Cass’s ass, new desires were making it harder and harder to remember why I needed to keep my hands moving.

“JJ,” Cass said softly… hungrily. He let out a thick moan and repeated my name, though he didn’t turn around. I didn’t need to look down to know that my cock was dripping pre-cum which the water was washing away as quickly as it leaked out of me.

“Am I hurting you?” I automatically asked.

Cass nodded, but before I could even give in to the distress of knowing I was causing him pain, he pressed back against my hand.

Or fingers, rather.

In my haze of lust, I hadn’t even realized that my hands had gone from massaging his ass to having several fingers of one hand sliding along his crease.

“Fuck,” I said as a wave of need washed over me.

What the hell was I doing? The man needed me to take care of him like he’d taken care of me. If he’d only stop making those sounds as he put more pressure on my hand. Logic was nowhere in sight, so I let two of my fingers slip into his crack. I slowly slid them up and down but never let them linger on Cass’s asshole.

“JJ, please,” Cass said after a throaty moan. I was momentarily jolted from reality because it felt like I’d heard those same words spill from his lips but spoken in a different way.

The two words in my head had been spoken in desperation, but not the kind that came from the need for sexual relief.

No, the desperation had been the kind that stemmed from fear.

The sudden shift in thought was enough of a reminder of what I was doing and why I shouldn’t be doing it.

Cass was exhausted and if he fell, he could be seriously injured, and I’d have no way of getting him help.

I eased my hand from his crease and swiftly but gently worked my way down the rest of his body until soap was sliding down the hair on his calves and disappearing into the drain. It took everything in my power not to focus on the fact that my position had me practically eye level with his ass. I could also see the shadow of his balls through his slightly spread legs.

I quickly stood up.

“I need to do the front,” I said shakily. How the hell was I going to do this?

Cass turned. He leaned heavily against the wall that was now at his back.

“I think I’m good now, JJ. Just give me a couple minutes and I’ll get out of your way.”

The statement caught me off guard. If he could have forced his cock to match the lack of desire in his voice, he probably would have. It was his eyes that couldn’t hold the lie. They didn’t match the disinterest in his voice.

Cass was giving me an out.

He was giving me an out that would ensure all the awkwardness and regret would be minimal the next time we saw each other. We wouldn’t have to talk about any of it. I wouldn’t have to analyze my feelings or try to come up with some explanation for my actions.

“I need to do the front,” I repeated shakily. The mere idea of stepping out of the shower made it feel like acid was burning me from the inside out.

I couldn’t take Cass’s offered opportunity to escape. I didn’t want to. If I did, I might as well have been back in that alley letting one guy after another use my body so I wouldn’t have been forced to think or feel.

Heat that had nothing to do with the water crawled up my neck. Cass had turned the tables on me without even trying. I didn’t give him a chance to protest. Instead, I stared at his chest and let my hands move on their own. Instinct was driving my physical connection with Cass, but my brain was at war with itself. I knew he was watching me. Studying me. Reading me.

I didn’t want to be read.

I didn’t want Cass to know how badly I wanted to keep going despite knowing I shouldn’t. I wanted him to choose. I wanted him to pick the JJ he saw standing in front of him and not the JJ who was too weak-minded to find some better way to deal with his shortcomings than letting strangers fuck him in dirty alleys.

Cass was physically weaker than usual at the moment, but he wasn’t helpless. He’d had no problem pushing me away in his motel room when things had gotten out of hand.

The difference was that I needed to make the choice this time. I’d have to choose whether this was the course I wanted to follow.

I’d given away my ability to make choices every time I’d walked through the door of Tank’s club. I didn’t have that luxury this time because Cass was nothing like the men from Tank’s. He wouldn’t let me casually throw away the decision to be with him or not.

I wanted to laugh because I’d made my choice the moment I’d woken up in his arms this morning.

But still…

God, I still wanted to hear the words. I needed to hear them from him.

“Say it, Cass,” I whispered as my fingers explored the muscles of his abdomen. “Please⁠—”

“Fuck, JJ, I need you,” he cut in. I glanced up to see his eyes staring heavenward as if he was asking God for forgiveness. When he looked down, his eyes held mine in a way that I couldn’t have looked away from even if I’d tried. His sapphire eyes were haunted with longing and despair. “Missed you so much,” he added and then he was pulling me forward. His mouth covered mine before I could respond or even process his words.

The kiss was like nothing I’d ever experienced before. My entire life had been about fulfilling the expectations of others, whether it was making my dad proud or behaving perfectly for Sully so I wouldn’t be such a burden to him. I’d always had to follow through on being the right version of JJ to the right people in my life.

Perfect son who did his dad proud by becoming the cop Sean Ferguson had never been able to be.

Perfect little brother who’d stolen his big brother’s dreams without even knowing it.

Perfect cop who stopped the bad guys.

Perfect patient who’d come back from his injuries despite the murmured whispers that he wouldn’t.

After all that, perfect was the last thing I’d been.

Cass had only seen me when I was anything but perfect and yet he kissed me like I was the most beautiful, perfectly imperfect man he’d ever known.

I once again tossed logic aside and went with what my body wanted.

What my heart wanted.

I couldn’t stop the little cry of relief that escaped me as Cass’s lips moved over mine. I wrapped my fingers around the back of his neck and then slid them up into his slick hair. My other hand was stuck between our bodies, but I didn’t even try to move it. Our dicks were mashed up against each other too.

Need wrapped around me, causing my whole body to draw up tight. Cass’s hands were nowhere near my dick. In fact, he was holding my face as he claimed my mouth.

It made absolutely no difference. I was going to come anyway. I could already feel my balls drawing up tight. I’d masturbated plenty of times, and I’d come once or twice with my high school boyfriend who’d been more of a fuck buddy than anything else, but never in my life would I have thought it possible to come without the benefit of fingers wrapped around my dick.

All it was taking was a soul-stealing kiss and gentle fingers cherishing me like I was the most beautiful thing that existed.

I was so caught up in my own haze of need that I wasn’t sure if Cass was also racing toward the finish line. I got my answer when he spun us around so that my back was against the wall of the shower. He grabbed my ass and lifted me enough that our dicks were level. I automatically lifted one leg to make room for his body to become flush with mine. He began thrusting against me as if he were really fucking me. Shivers of delight claimed me every time Cass’s slick cock slid along my own.

With one hand now on the leg I’d lifted, Cass managed to keep us in the same position. He slapped his free hand on the wall next to my head for more leverage and began pounding his hips against mine. The friction of our shafts sliding over each other made something deep inside me start to tighten. It was like firmly holding a coil of string in one hand while the other slowly dragged the line out of the coil. The coil grew tighter and tighter every time the hand pulled at the string.

That was what it was like with every one of his powerful thrusts.

“Cass,” I cried out as the pressure inside of me continued to build. I reached one hand up to wrap around the wrist of the hand he had on the wall and slid the other hand down to grab his ass. I palmed one of his tight globes in an effort to urge him to fuck me harder.

Deeper.

Without warning, both of Cass’s hands grabbed my ass so he could pin me to the wall. I instinctively wrapped my legs around his hips and shoved the hand I had on the wall against the smooth material as best as I could. I was helpless as the coil tightened.

I was so close to the edge.

Too close.

“JJ,” Cass groaned in desperation just before his mouth covered mine in a savage kiss.

“Open your eyes,” I demanded as I tipped Cass’s head up, breaking the kiss.

He was losing himself.

To me.

The proof was in his beautiful sapphire eyes.

I wanted to hold on to the moment forever, but my body wasn’t going to allow it. Neither was his. Like me, Cass was hovering right on the edge. His fingers wound through my wet hair and his mouth slammed down on mine again. He grunted and moaned even as he kissed me.

“Come with me,” he urged between kisses as he pounded against me.

“I am, baby,” I assured him before another thrust momentarily stole my breath. I slid my fingers into his hair and pressed my forehead against his. “You’re inside me, Cass. So fucking deep inside me. I can feel it everywhere,” I breathed.

“Fuck,” Cass growled and then his lips covered mine again, and with a couple of twists of his hips as he slammed into me, it was the beginning of the end. The strain on the coil inside of me broke. A rush of sensation like I’d never known flooded me. My body drew up tight in the most blissful kind of agony as cum began to spew from my dick. I shouted when all the pressure inside of me collided and then sent me flying. I was dimly aware of Cass’s mouth resting against mine as he thrust against me a few more times and then he was shouting out in relief. He kept jerking against me as he found his own release.

I would have loved to see what he looked like when he came but I was too busy riding my own high. There was nothing peaceful or quiet about it. It was color and light. It was warm and cool. It stole my breath only to renew itself as each wave of bliss rolled over me.

I had no idea how long it took for reality to return to me, but when it did, I found myself in the same position I’d been in, only now I had Cass’s big chest pressed against mine. His mouth was resting on my collarbone, so I could feel his heavy breaths sawing in and out of him. Despite the cooling water from the shower, the liquid covering our dicks was hot and slick. I could feel every jerk of his body as another wave of sensation hit him.

I’d done that to him. I’d given him that. There was no way that what had just happened between us had been just sex. It was more.

It had to be.

I’d let Cass see things I’d never let anyone else see. I’d given him something I’d never given to anyone else. That meant it had to be more.

Right?

It was a while before Cass’s mouth searched out mine. His kiss was still deep and hungry. It was searching and stealing at the same time.

I never wanted it to end.

The cold water from the shower kept my wish from happening, but Cass’s whispered words against my ear made me not care.

“JJ… my JJ.”

My.

Mine. Such a small word that held so much fucking power.

I was Cass’s and he was mine and that was all that mattered.

CHAPTER 15

Cass

Iknew he was gone the moment I opened my eyes.

It took me several long seconds before I forced myself to look and then run my hand over JJ’s side of the bed. The covers were thrown aside and the clothes he’d been wearing the night before—the ones he’d taken off piece by achingly slow piece right in front of me—were gone. The small dip in the pillow next to mine was proof that he had been in bed with me for at least a little while.

That meant what had taken place in the shower really had happened. It hadn’t been one of my many dreams that had always led to JJ being safely wrapped in my arms.

I remembered all of it. Finding JJ on the floor the night before, his soft, pain-filled whispers calling out to me. Holding him in my arms as I’d begged him not to leave me.

Not again.

I remembered when JJ’s breath had evened out after I’d gathered him into my arms, and I’d logically known that he’d only fallen asleep. Unfortunately, logic hadn’t played a role in the cruel reminder that he and I had been in virtually the same position the night he had been shot. Even as the sun had begun to stream through the kitchen windows and I’d been lost in sleep, my mind had begged anyone who was listening to never let anything take JJ from me again.

After he had woken me from the nightmare, I’d been relieved to discover he was okay. I hadn’t been expecting him to help me to my feet, let alone use his words and touch to get me moving. True, I probably could have dealt with the pain on my own if JJ had chosen to leave me on the floor, but from the moment he’d started telling me in one way or another to shut up as I’d argued with him, I’d given up the fight.

In more ways than one.

Yes, I’d finally shut my mouth when JJ had begun rewarding my silence with bone-melting kisses, but that hadn’t been all of it. I’d given up the internal battle that had raged inside me. The one that tried to deny that my feelings for JJ had lessened in any way.

Not even when I’d been locked away in a place where I’d conveniently been written out of people’s lives. If anything, he was the reason I’d kept my sanity in that soul-sucking place. I might have left that police station with every intention of seeking revenge on the man I’d been so certain had betrayed me, but JJ had changed the game on me without even trying.

The brutal truth was that there’d never been a game. I hadn’t pursued JJ after my release because his brother had asked me to. I hadn’t done it to try and prove my innocence.

I’d done it because I’d needed to do it.

I’d needed to see him so I could prove to myself that he hadn’t been taken from me forever.

I’d needed to follow him because I’d needed him.

When the storm raging inside of me had been at its darkest in that cell, my JJ had been there. The one who’d let me see a side of himself that no one else had: his vulnerability, his fear of disappointing the people in his life, the resentment he’d carried for so long because he’d never been able to be his true self to his family and friends.

That JJ had helped me keep my head above water day after endless day.

Although he and I had only met up a few times before he’d been shot, I’d known from the first time he’d smiled at me that I was a goner. I hadn’t been a big believer in all that love at first sight nonsense or that there was some stranger walking the earth who was supposedly my soulmate, but JJ had been the reason I’d changed the way I’d viewed a lot of things before a bullet had torn our lives apart.

There was no use in trying to deny it anymore.

I was in love with JJ. Even when I’d been at my lowest, I’d loved him. During all the times my fist had slammed into a jaw or gut as my fellow inmates had tried to take my life, I’d let myself believe my rage had stemmed from the sting of his betrayal. Deep down, though, I’d been fighting for my life because I’d believed that someday I’d see JJ again. I’d believed I’d see my JJ again.

I sighed and took stock of the few aches and pains that lingered. My body had been and still was drained by the mind-blowing orgasm I’d experienced in the shower. The whole time JJ had been running his hands over me to help ease my stiff muscles as the warm water had rained down on our bodies, I’d been hard as a rock.

Painfully so.

I’d wanted JJ in a way I’d never wanted anyone in my entire life. By some miracle, I’d kept my hands to myself as his hands had begun massaging my ass but by the time he’d slid his fingers in my crease, I’d been lost. I’d wanted nothing more than to explore his body the way he’d been exploring mine. I’d wanted to taste, lick, feel every part of him. I’d wanted to hear his deep, throaty moans as I brought him to the edge of release over and over again. I’d wanted to bury myself inside of him in a way that no one could ever tear us apart again.

“Fuck,” I muttered to myself as my dick began to get hard all over again.

None of it should have happened. What I’d begged him to do to me in that shower, crawling into bed with him afterwards, falling into a deep sleep because I knew JJ was right there beside me—none of it should have happened because I hadn’t brought him up here for that. I’d brought him to the cabin for two things.

To keep him safe.

And to find the proof he needed that would make him finally believe I wasn’t the monster he thought I was.

I’d promised myself—not to mention Sully—that the time we spent at the cabin would only be about focusing on the case. Since Sully apparently had some kind of third eye when it came to my attraction to JJ, the chances were high that his big brother wouldn’t give a shit if JJ found the proof he needed to finally believe me.

Either way, I was leaving the cabin in a body bag or as an innocent man. Hell, knowing Sully, it could be both. The asshole would probably be thrilled to learn that his little brother no longer believed I was a soulless murderer, but he’d kill me anyway because I’d done things to JJ that I’d promised I wouldn’t.

Since I was probably a dead man either way, I regretted that I hadn’t at least followed through on all the things I’d wanted to do to JJ in that bed before we’d fallen asleep.

I hadn’t kissed him again.

I hadn’t touched him.

I hadn’t even spoken to him when he’d taken my hand in his and led me to the bed.

Nothing had been said as we’d slid our still damp and very naked bodies beneath the sheets. It had taken only one move after that to know JJ regretted what had happened.

He’d turned his back on me. He’d gotten in that bed and faced the opposite direction. His message couldn’t have been clearer.

It had been a mistake.

All of it.

From the moment I’d kissed him after he’d confronted me on that canyon road to the second our bodies had slid beneath the covers just a handful of hours ago, JJ regretted it. He’d turned his back to me, so I’d done the same.

That hadn’t been the case when I’d woken up a little while later. Since we’d lain down in bed while it was early in the morning, it had still been light outside when something had stirred me awake. It’d been JJ draping his upper body over mine, his warm breath drifting over my nipple and both his arms wrapped around my body as far as they could reach.

Holding me.

So I couldn’t leave him.

I’d fallen back to sleep more quickly than I would have liked and now here I was.

Empty bed.

No naked JJ.

No arms snaked around me because I was wanted right where I was.

I forced myself to swing my legs over the side of the bed. My clothes were sitting neatly folded on a small nearby table. I tried to tell myself to take my time getting dressed because JJ was still in the house, but shards of doubt were invading my thoughts.

What if he’d left? I doubted he could have figured out the code for the wall safe that held my gun and the satellite phone that would be the only way to get reception in the area. What if he’d left on foot even though I’d warned him not to? I’d grown up in these woods, so I knew them like the back of my hand, but JJ didn’t. He’d get turned around in a matter of minutes, and it would take him days to find his way back to the cabin or reach the road for help.

I quickened my pace as I pulled my clothes on and then I rushed down the stairs. I nearly slipped on the linoleum floor when I reached the kitchen but managed to catch myself before I landed on my ass.

“Sorry,” I heard JJ murmur distractedly. He was sitting at the table, his eyes glued to a file. “When you got that pack of frozen vegetables for me, I think you forgot to close the freezer, so water leaked all over the floor. I toweled it dry but apparently not dry enough.”

His voice was disinterested at best, but it wasn’t the tone of someone trying to shoo another person away as if they were a pestering gnat. Instead, he sounded like someone deep in thought but also at the ready.

He definitely had his cop hat on.

Before I could even respond, JJ rose to his feet and with the file still in his hand, he went over to the kitchen door and opened it all the way before returning to the table.

“There’s coffee,” JJ remarked as he pointed in the direction of the coffee machine. I wanted to laugh at the irony since I’d said the same words to him less than twenty-four hours earlier.

“What time is it?” I asked carefully as I moved toward the coffee pot.

“Three o’clock in the afternoon.”

We’d only been asleep for a handful of hours? How was that possible after the events of the night before and, more importantly, what had taken place in the shower this morning?

“How are you feeling?” I asked.

“Fine,” JJ said simply. He didn’t seem angry or embarrassed. In fact, he acted like the events of this morning had already become a distant, if not completely forgotten memory.

It pissed me off even though I had no right to be. I should have been glad he was focused on the case files scattered all over the top of the table.

“How long have you been up?” I asked as I sat down in the chair across from JJ.

“A while,” was all he said. Now he sounded curt, even a little angry.

“Do you want me to leave you alone?”

“Can’t really interrogate you if you’re not in the room, can I?” JJ responded snidely.

“Fine,” I said as I settled into the chair. The little spark of hope that maybe something meaningful had changed between us was snuffed out just like that.

Last night hadn’t happened. He didn’t need to say it and he sure as hell didn’t want me to.

JJ lowered the file but only to turn the folder in on itself so a specific page was viewable.

“What happened to Officer Lewis?” JJ asked. He handed the report to me. “These are the witness statements taken the night I was shot. Most of them are just people who called 911 because they’d heard some noises. Not gunfire, just ‘noises,’” he continued. “Why isn’t Officer Lewis’s statement in here? He was the officer assigned to take the shift after mine. He’s a good cop, so he would have known what the popping sounds meant⁠—”

“He’s dead, JJ. He died the night you were shot. He was on his way to relieve you, but he never made it. His patrol car was hit by a dump truck at an intersection. It rammed his car into a telephone pole. They never found the driver of the truck.”

JJ began shaking his head. “No,” he said defiantly, then repeated, “No.”

I wasn’t sure if he was in denial because he’d been friends with the officer or if he was calling me a liar again without saying it directly to me.

He fell quiet for several long beats. I handed the file back to him.

“I didn’t know him that well but even if I can’t remember that night, I know myself. I was a good cop. I knew how to do my job. I never would have left my post until I was sure my relief had arrived,” JJ insisted.

He began ripping through the pages in front of him. “There’s no mention of him anywhere. Even if it was just an accident, there should still be some mention of that,” he added in frustration. “And I sure as hell would have known what those popping sounds were. The other guy, the agent, he would have heard them too.”

JJ was in full cop mode as he put down the file and began rifling through the stack of other folders he’d piled up in front of him.

I hesitated to say anything. Sully had already come up with his own theory about JJ being shot first because he had been the gunman’s real target. As much as I wanted to push JJ in the right direction, I couldn’t give him theories. He needed to come up with those on his own or he’d probably think I’d falsified all the records or lied to him in some way. All I could offer were facts.

“Okay,” JJ muttered, more to himself than anything else. He grabbed another file and then looked at a notepad where he’d jotted down some notes. He looked between the notes and the file. “Let’s switch to something else,” he said. He looked up at me, his eyes burning with determination.

Just like when he’d been ordering me around that morning, his steely gaze turned me on. I’d never let a guy take control of me in bed. I couldn’t even remember if I’d ever fucked a guy in a bed. Most of my hookups had taken place on whatever surface was available at the time. I’d never gone home with a guy, and they’d never been allowed into whatever personal space I’d had for myself at the time. I’d also never let a guy fuck me. I’d never even been interested in what it would feel like to have some guy’s dick in my ass.

I was interested now.

I wondered if JJ had liked giving me orders. Had he been able to see the burn in my eyes as he’d told me what to do or maneuvered me into a certain position? I was good at masking my emotions; I’d had to be. You couldn’t be yourself and an Ashby at the same time. I’d learned that very quickly as a child. But with JJ, I’d automatically found it easier to talk to him, to tell him things I’d never told anyone else.

“Cass!” I heard JJ call.

I snapped out of the trance I’d been in. God, this man held so much power over me, yet he had no clue.

Because he didn’t remember.

“Cass!” JJ snapped. I jerked my eyes so they met his pissed-off ones.

“Yeah,” I finally said. I automatically looked at the kitchen door to make sure it was still open.

“Jesus,” JJ muttered in irritation. He looked back down at the file in his hands before snapping it shut and lifting his head so he could look me straight in the eyes.

“The reports and witness testimony said you were found a couple of blocks from the scene. An off-duty cop who lived in that neighborhood arrested you after an APB was put out.” JJ leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms. “A former Marine shoots four people and then leaves the scene on foot, covered in blood, only to get arrested by some random rookie cop who was out walking his dog and also happened to be carrying his radio with him even though he wasn’t on duty?”

JJ paused for a moment. I could feel the intensity of his gaze. He was studying me. Looking for some kind of reaction from me. I let him look. That was, after all, why I’d brought him here. I was a suspect he needed to question.

Just a suspect.

The reminder was like a punch to the gut. I automatically looked at the kitchen door again.

Still open.

I forced myself to settle my eyes on JJ and then donned the mask I’d been wearing nearly my entire life.

And just like that, I was back in that cell… waiting. Waiting for something that was never going to appear.

Always waiting.

CHAPTER 16

Jj

Isaw the exact moment when Cass mentally checked out. His entire body stiffened, and his eyes went blank.

It was the way it was supposed to be. We both had to play our parts. He was the suspect, and I was his interrogator and nothing more.

I couldn’t help but find myself back in that shower with him. Even though I couldn’t remember an entire chunk of my life, my memory of what had happened in that shower was crystal clear. I could still feel the way he’d kissed me, the way he’d held me afterwards, both in the shower and later.

I was the one who’d taken his hand after we’d silently dried ourselves and I was the one who’d held on to him as he’d tried to move toward the door so he could leave the room.

I should have let him go.

I should have done a lot of things.

But from the moment I’d woken up in the middle of the afternoon only to find my traitorous body draped over Cass’s, I’d been caught in a maelstrom of emotions. I hadn’t moved, though. I’d pretended I was exactly where I belonged. I’d imagined what it would be like to fall asleep in Cass’s arms every night and wake up to find myself still in them every morning.

It was all a shit show. A stupid fantasy that had begun when the hero worship I’d felt for Cass since I was a kid had turned into something else.

Something I wasn’t allowed to feel.

Something that would leave me burning in the fires of hell if my father ever found out.

The thought of my father immediately led me to thoughts of Sully. If he were here, he’d know what to do. Sully always did. It was who he was. My protector, my best friend, and the stand-in father I’d needed because my real father had been forced to work two shitty jobs to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table.

While silence was often a cop’s best friend during an interrogation, I didn’t like it.

Not with Cass.

But the man in front of me wasn’t Cass. I didn’t remember much, but that I did know.

His own words the night before had confirmed that my gut and my brain hadn’t been in alignment since our first confrontation. I knew I was missing something important, but I didn’t know what it was.

I suddenly felt as twitchy as Cass probably did. He might have looked hard and indifferent, but his body betrayed him every time his eyes shifted back and forth between us and the open kitchen door. One of his fingers tapped his arm every few seconds and his breaths were too even.

A man like Cass didn’t let cracks appear in his armor. He’d been trained not to. That had been the military, though. Life with his family hadn’t been much better.

But prison was an entirely different thing.

I closed my eyes to try to get a hold of myself and be the cop I’d once been. I didn’t want to think about Cass and his life behind bars. I didn’t want to think about the fear and loneliness he must have felt from the moment his cell door had been closed with him on the wrong side of the bars.

I couldn’t feel them.

If I did, that would be the end of all this. I’d never know the truth; I’d never understand how a man who’d become a part of my family from the moment he and Sully had met on that football field became a man who’d stood accused of murdering three people and trying to kill a fourth.

Stood accused?

Where the hell had that come from?

He hadn’t stood accused… he’d been proven guilty in a court of law.

Pain began to build behind my eye. I knew what would come next if I didn’t manage to control it. The last thing I needed was to end up curled into a ball on the floor again.

“You mind if we take a walk?” I asked, catching both Cass and myself off guard. Where the hell had that come from? I was supposed to be interrogating the man.

It was all I could do not to jerk when a jolt of pain went through me.

“Fuck it,” I whispered beneath my breath because I was tired of thinking. I was tired of trying to put together all the pieces that kept appearing the more I delved into the past. “I’m going for a walk,” I announced as I climbed to my feet. “If you want my brother to tear you limb from limb when you tell him you lost me in the woods, then stay here.”

I left the kitchen and carefully maneuvered down the extremely weathered and undoubtedly rotted porch steps. Cool air greeted my skin. It had been chilly inside the kitchen with the door open for so long. Now, though, the breeze was comforting, and the sun warmed my face. I closed my eyes and let my head drop back a little so I could enjoy the warm rays. The pain in my head began to lessen.

The creaking of the stairs that were just behind me told me I was no longer alone. It was both exciting and terrifying.

Terrifying in a good way, unfortunately.

The memory of Cass grinding against me in that shower had me thinking about what it would feel like if he did the same thing against a tree. When my body began to react, I started walking in the hopes of tempering my bout of lust. I didn’t know or care what direction I walked in because Cass wouldn’t let anything happen to me.

I stopped so suddenly that I felt Cass’s front press against my back. His hands wrapped around my biceps, probably to keep him from actually running into me.

“You okay?” Cass asked.

I nearly moaned when his warm breath flowed along my neck. All I had to do was push my ass back a bit and I’d know if Cass wanted the same thing I did.

Fortunately, he was stronger than me because he quickly released me and stepped back. I felt like I’d lost something.

The pain behind my eye began to intensify. Okay, so maybe the walk hadn’t been the best idea.

“JJ, just close your eyes, okay?”

Cass’s deep, smooth voice draped over me like the softest of blankets. I could feel him at my back again. I closed my eyes.

“Just keep ’em closed, sweetheart,” Cass murmured. I could sense him moving around me. I wasn’t afraid, though. His hands gently closed over my shoulders from behind. “Okay, there’s a log just a few feet to your left. I’m going to steer you to it and tell you when to stop. You work the pedals, and I’ll take care of the rest.”

Even though it hurt like hell, I laughed. “The rest?” I asked. “I’m supposed to trust a guy who didn’t know shit about driving the muscle car he’d just painstakingly restored but decided doing donuts in abandoned warehouses was a good idea anyway?”

There was a long beat of silence, and I feared I’d fucked up whatever little truce we’d been in the middle of, but when Cass’s chest pressed up against my back, that fear turned into something else.

“Yes, you are,” he whispered into my ear before letting his lips skim over the sensitive skin right behind my earlobe. His words didn’t sound like an order, but they didn’t sound like a flippant response either. They’d sounded almost… desperate?

“Okay, I’m just going to turn you a bit and then I want you to walk straight. The log is only about six feet away.”

The searing bolts of lightning behind my eye reminded me where we were and what was happening. Fuck, I really didn’t want him to see me like this yet again. “Cass. I’m fine, I can⁠—”

“—move forward six steps,” Cass interjected. He didn’t sound desperate anymore. “And if you don’t shut up about it, I’m never going to kiss you again,” he continued, his voice lighter now.

I could feel my skin heating as I remembered what I’d told him in the bathroom after he’d refused to stop talking.

“I don’t think I said never,” I groused as I let Cass maneuver me into position on the log. Images began to flash in my mind, but I couldn’t make sense of any of them. I wanted them back. Even though they were responsible for the pain I was feeling, I still wanted them back.

They’d felt warm.

Peaceful.

Instead of forcing my eyes closed, I relaxed them and kept them closed because I wanted to. For the first time since I’d woken up from my coma, I didn’t want to escape the pain. I wanted those images back. If I could just focus on them then maybe I’d see the complete picture.

“Breathe through it, JJ,” Cass murmured softly. His big hand rubbed circles against my back while the fingers of his other played with mine. I did as he said and took long, deep breaths in through my nose and slowly released the air from my mouth. It didn’t take the pain away, but it didn’t get worse, either.

I let my mind focus on Cass’s voice and the feel of his body supporting mine. My head was on his shoulder. It felt good to no longer have to try to hold myself upright.

After all, Cass would never let me fall.

I wasn’t expecting this, JJ. I wasn’t…

They were Cass’s words but not from now. The man next to me was humming something as he continued to rub my back.

Those words had been his, but from another time. I could hear that little wobble in his voice that he got when he was nervous. I desperately tried to come up with the image that went along with the voice because Cass didn’t get nervous. He didn’t get tongue-tied. Or confused. Not to mention I sure as shit knew he’d never spoken to me like that. His voice, the silent plea behind the words, the hushed way he’d spoken them… I would have remembered that because they were nearly identical to the words he’d always spoken in my fantasies. We’d be wrapped in each other’s arms, our lower bodies intertwined as we both came down from the natural high we’d been riding from the moment he’d kissed me for the first time.

“Tell me something I don’t know about you, Cass,” I blurted, desperately squeezing my eyes closed so I could chase down the fading image as it began to disintegrate like ash.

“Something about me you don’t know,” he repeated.

“Something about you that no one knows,” I clarified. The image was already gone by the time Cass responded, so I leaned more of my weight against him and remained as still as I could so the pain in my head would fade away, just like the picture had.

“Your brother is the worst fucking cook ever… ever,” Cass said. I could feel his smile even though I couldn’t see it.

I chuckled. “That doesn’t count because I’ve known that for a lot longer than you have.”

“Fair enough. Okay, um, I can’t stand butterflies. If I see one, I’m gone. The little assholes show up in my dreams all the time, though. I wake up covered in sweat.”

“No way,” I griped. When Cass didn’t respond, I carefully opened my eyes. No blinding light, no searing pain. I forced myself to sit up so I could look at him while he spoke. Cass gave me a quick glance. His expression made something inside of me go warm.

A good warm.

A peaceful warm.

I’d never seen this side of Cass before. He looked younger, lighter… like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

“You are,” I said. “You’re afraid of butterflies,” I repeated and then I was laughing.

“Okay, smart-ass, your turn,” Cass said before giving me a playful nudge with his shoulder. “Something no one else knows.”

I mulled the thought over for several long beats before saying, “When you first got your Mustang and I saw how excited you were about trying to restore it, I checked out a bunch of books from the library about cars and read them every night before I went to sleep. I couldn’t find a book about your car specifically, so I asked the librarian for help.” I chuckled as Mrs. Winsky’s face flashed in my brain.

“She thought I was asking for a book about horses. When I explained to her what I was talking about, she looked at me like I was crazy because what seven-year-old wants to read a book about a muscle car? When she told me the library didn’t carry that kind of book, I was heartbroken. She’d always been nice to me, so a week later, she surprised me with this huge book. It turned out to be some book about the history of Henry Ford and how he came up with the idea for assembly lines. She said it was mine to keep. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it wasn’t the kind of book I’d been looking for. I read it anyway because it did talk a little about building cars. I must have read it a hundred times while you were restoring your car. I wanted to find something helpful so you’d think I was smart.”

“You were smart,” Cass murmured. I could feel his eyes on me. “I wanted to give up on that car so many times and just use the one I’d been given by my father, but you kept encouraging me… all of us to keep going.”

Cass fell silent. His body brushed up against mine for the briefest of moments. I was unable to speak because I was still trying to absorb his words. Had I, a kid who hadn’t even reached double digits in age, really been one of the reasons he’d kept going with his car? There was just no way.

“You changed something in me, JJ. Even though you were just a kid, you were the reason I made a lot of the choices I did long after we finished the car,” Cass admitted.

His words nearly knocked me off the log. “No,” I said with a shake of my head. “No, my family⁠—”

“Your family taught me a lot of things I didn’t know, like what it actually meant to be a family. I could go on and on about what being with you, Sully, and your father meant to me all these years, but we’d be sitting here all day.”

“But I didn’t do anything special⁠—”

“Yes, you did. You just didn’t know it,” Cass interrupted. “You gave me strength and courage, JJ. I know you and your brother didn’t have it easy when you were kids. Losing your mom, your dad needing to work so hard to make ends meet. But from the first time I met you, you were so different from anything I’d ever known. You were stubborn, determined, loyal, kind, and so full of hope…”

Cass paused for a moment. He dropped his eyes to look at his hands. I couldn’t take mine off him. Every word he’d said was the truth. I’d seen that in his eyes as he’d held my gaze. I’d heard it in his voice. He wasn’t telling me some anecdote just to amuse me.

He was really telling me the truth.

“Your brother and I, we were close,” Cass continued. “But we were at an age where guys just didn’t talk about that stuff with each other. I think he knew some of the things I felt, but neither of us ever brought it up. You, though… you were different. You were like this reflection of the kid I’d always wanted to be. I’d given up on all those things by the time I was fifteen and met you guys. My life had already been planned out for me. I was an Ashby. I had the best of everything when I was growing up. It had always seemed like the perfect childhood.” Cass fell silent for a long time. I wanted to touch him in some way, to remind him I was still there, but I didn’t want to risk him clamming up.

He eventually let out a light chuckle that held no humor in it at all. “Money and power. Power and money. The Ashby way. And it’s all yours for the low, low price of your soul,” Cass mocked as he spoke like he was a salesman doing a commercial. He paused for a few moments and stared at the dense tangle of trees and underbrush in front of us.

“I was all set to buy in and then, out of nowhere, a man with an accent so thick I rarely understood what he was saying and his two sons—one a hard-ass who didn’t take shit from anyone and the other who only saw the good in people—showed me that real family didn’t come with a price tag. I doubt you even remember, but you were the one who told me I could choose any path I wanted. I think you were around ten. We were sitting at that old picnic table in your backyard. Sully was making lunch inside the house. Somehow, we got onto the subject of what I was going to do after I graduated. I couldn’t give you an answer. I guess I didn’t want to because then I’d have to face up to what my future held for me. You started listing off all these things I could do with my life. The stuff you were suggesting was real, too, not just a kid’s fantasy. You told me I had a choice, and you knew I was strong enough to make it. Every time I saw you after that, you’d find some way to remind me of that.” Cass smiled. “I had a choice.”

He turned so he was looking at me. “You, James Joyce Ferguson, were the one who saved me without even trying.”

I was so taken aback that I didn’t know what to say. The man had rendered me completely speechless. I couldn’t even remember what we’d been talking about before he’d blindsided me with his admission. I did remember that day. He’d seemed so lost. I didn’t recall what exactly I’d said to him, but I did remember how scared I’d been for him after that day.

“At that point it was hero worship, but as I got older, I was crushing on you hard,” I blurted.

Holy shit, had I really just said that? I shook my head in disbelief. I could feel the heat building beneath my skin. I opened my mouth to try and come up with some joke to get us past my outburst but the only thing that came out was, “Hard.”

Cass lifted his eyebrows at the word. He had a cat who caught the canary smile on his face.

“Not hard like hard hard. Hard,” I continued. My cheeks and neck felt like they were on fire.

Stop talking, JJ.

“Not just when I was a kid, either. Every time you’d come home, I was⁠—”

Shut the fuck up, JJ.

“I was… hard,” I groaned because I had no idea what I’d been trying to say.

Cass was laughing now. A full-on, real laugh. The kind of laugh that had mesmerized me as a kid.

I gave him a hard shove. He only laughed harder. The sound made me not care what had caused it. If someone could just hand me the key that would let me unlock Cass’s laugh whenever I wanted, I’d never wish for anything else.

He finally straightened and attempted to bring his mirth under control. As much as I wanted to extend the moment, I couldn’t. I was too busy replaying his words in my head. The idea that I’d given Cass anything at such a young age was hard to believe in itself, but to have helped him change the course of his life—I couldn’t even make sense of that.

“JJ,” Cass said softly. When I looked at him, he leaned in and kissed me gently. It was short and sweet but just as soul-stealing as every other kiss we’d shared. “Thank you,” he whispered against my lips. There was no laughter in his voice, no amusement. He was thanking me for real. I didn’t know if it was because of what he’d seen in me as a kid or just being able to relive that memory and finally getting to laugh after what had probably been a really long time.

I reached up to close my fingers against the wrist of the hand he had pressed against my cheek. I managed a nod before I kissed him the same way he’d kissed me.

It wasn’t enough. No amount of kissing this man would ever be enough for me.

After that, neither of us spoke for a long time. It felt strangely comfortable, as though we’d been sitting on that log for a lifetime and neither of us were in any rush to leave it.

I was replaying our conversation in my head when something suddenly clicked in my brain. My stomach fell out as more things began to fall into place. It wasn’t a memory, though. Everything was from the present. Every word, every minuscule action. How had I missed them?

The sour taste of bile flooded my mouth.

There’s an explanation. There’s an explanation.

“JJ!” I heard Cass say sharply.

I was instantly catapulted back to the log we’d been sitting on. Cass was standing, though. He had his hand extended.

“What?” I asked stupidly.

“I asked if you wanted to keep walking or go back home?” he explained. I could already tell he was trying to get a read on me.

“Home,” I responded as lightly as I could. I might have managed to throw in a smile, but I wasn’t sure. I was too consumed with all the raw emotions that were tearing me apart inside.

I was in front of Cass as we walked along a narrow part of the trail, so I used that fact to my advantage.

“Cass.”

“Hmmm?” Cass responded. He still sounded relaxed and happy.

Content, even.

And I was about to blow it all to hell. I had no choice, though. He’d given me no choice.

“Truth,” I reminded him.

When he didn’t respond right away, I stopped and turned around. He was several feet away. If he had been content, that was gone. If he’d been happy, that was gone too. And he sure as shit wasn’t relaxed.

Cass tipped his head in a nod. He was responding to my reminder that he’d agreed to tell the truth to any question I asked.

My body was shaking violently, and I could feel the pain behind my eye building, but for once, I didn’t try to stop it. I wanted it to come. I wanted it to transport me back to five minutes earlier when it had been just me and the real Cass on that log.

The Cass I’d been in love with from the time I’d been old enough to understand what that meant.

“James Joyce,” I said.

Just like that, Cass’s entire body stiffened. Then he dropped his eyes and that was all it took.

CHAPTER 17

Cass

From the moment JJ reminded me about my promise to tell him the truth when he asked me a question, I knew that the peace I’d found on that log was gone.

JJ was gone.

My JJ.

“James Joyce,” he repeated, his voice hoarse. “How do you know about that?”

It was all I could do to raise my head and face JJ man to man. His expression and body language matched the despair in his voice.

“You told me,” I responded.

“I never told anyone about that. Not even Sully,” JJ choked out.

“Your mother wanted to name you James Joyce because he was her favorite author, so that was what your parents named you. After your mom died and you got older, you were afraid of other kids teasing you because your middle name was a girl’s. You started calling yourself JJ and told your dad and brother that you wanted a nickname like Sully had. Sully was short for Sullivan, so you wanted to be JJ. By the time you found out why you’d been given that name, people had already been calling you JJ for years. You felt like you’d betrayed your mother somehow.”

I could feel daggers slicing me open one by one as the color leached from JJ’s face.

“When? How?” he asked in disbelief. “My coffee—you know how I take it. This morning, you said you missed me. You called me ‘my’ JJ.”

“I did,” I agreed because I was too much of a fucking coward to do anything else.

JJ shook his head violently. I wanted to go to him, but I knew my touch was the last thing he wanted.

“The kiss,” he whispered. “The day you kissed me for the first time… on that canyon road… the day I thought you kissed me for the first time… it wasn’t, was it? It wasn’t our first kiss. It wasn’t my first kiss.”

I wanted to lie. I wanted to say whatever words would make him hurt even a little bit less. I could tell that none of what he was saying was because he was remembering the events for himself. This wasn’t some miraculous moment where his memory was returning.

“No, it wasn’t,” I reluctantly responded.

JJ was breathing heavily. I could see him shaking even from where I stood, and there was no missing the sweat that was dotting his brow. My gut was telling me he wasn’t just suffering from the emotional pain I was causing; from the way he kept closing his right eye and holding it shut for a few seconds longer than his other eye, I suspected his head was hurting again.

“JJ, I’m sorry, I just wanted you to discover the truth⁠—”

“On my own?” he spat. “You wanted me to prove to myself that you weren’t the one who shot me, right? I already figured that out, you fucking piece of shit! I don’t need files or reports to tell me that. Not with the way you kept coming back for me… the way you kept protecting me—saving me! Well, you did it, Cass. You got what you needed. The one living witness, the most important witness, can now testify on your behalf… the former cop who barely survived being shot in the head telling a jury that he doesn’t believe you shot him or those other people. Even if it isn’t hard evidence, no jury is going to convict a guy whose supposed victim said he didn’t do it⁠—”

“That’s not what this was about,” I snapped. Anger seeped out of me. “I just wanted⁠—”

“To get your JJ back,” he cut in. “You wanted your precious fucking JJ back.”

“Damn it, JJ.”

“Shut the fuck up, Cass,” he shouted. He fell silent for a moment as if he was waiting for me to defy the order. I kept my mouth shut because nothing I said was going to get through to him. Not like this.

“I just want to make sure I have this straight in my head—in my broken, useless, piece-of-shit head. You were telling the truth about the night someone else shot me in the head but the second you get out of prison, you don’t explain any of it to me? You let me keep living the lie. What was the fucking point?” JJ asked. He spread out his arms as if he was expecting someone else, anyone else, to answer the question.

“JJ—”

“Truth, Cass,” he said softly. His anger had been snuffed out like a candle only to be replaced with heart-wrenching despair. He didn’t wait for me to respond. “So everything from the moment you got out… that was all a lie?”

I began shaking my head violently because I knew what JJ was really asking. “No! The things that happened between us, they were⁠—”

“Real?” he asked with a little laugh. “How can something be real if someone is living in the dark and no one tells him he needs to turn on the goddamn lights? Tell yourself you did all this for me, Cass, if that’s what makes it easier for you to sleep at night. But we both know you didn’t do this for me. You did this because you wanted your JJ back. The JJ who exists in your memories.”

He didn’t give me a chance to respond. Instead, he turned on his heel and strode back in the direction of the cabin. I stayed where I was as I tried to make sense of JJ’s words. Was he right? Was that why I’d done what I had? Deep down, had I convinced myself that if I just said or did the right thing, I’d get the JJ I’d lost back?

“No,” I said with a shake of my head.

I began walking back to the cabin but concern for JJ had me picking up the pace. His head had been hurting him. What if it kept him from getting safely back to the cabin? Even if he did, his emotional anguish was off the charts.

Thoughts of JJ inadvertently veering off the path or taking one wrong step that would send him rolling down one of the many steep embankments that surrounded the cabin got me running. I was surprised when I didn’t catch up to him before getting back to the cabin. Since he’d been hurting, I hadn’t expected him to be able to put too much distance between us.

The now very real possibility that JJ had gotten hurt somewhere along the trail had me turning around so I could scour it. In the process, my eyes caught on something.

The back door of the cabin was wide open.

I’d closed it behind me when JJ and I had left to go on our walk.

I sprinted to the cabin and rushed inside, fully expecting to find a pain-ridden JJ lying on the floor in one of the rooms.

He was in one of the rooms. The living room, to be specific. And he most definitely wasn’t on the floor.

JJ was standing calmly next to the now open wall safe. He had my gun in his hand and, just like the day he’d confronted me on the canyon road, he had it aimed directly at me. But he wasn’t the same as he’d been that day. He wasn’t afraid now. He wasn’t going off an adrenaline rush.

Despite the sweat dotting his brow and the slight tremble in his free hand, JJ kept the gun pointed at me. I knew he had to be in terrible pain, but he refused to let it show.

“My birthday,” JJ said with disgust as he motioned toward the safe. “Not your birthday, not your grandmother’s, not your mother’s, not even the day you got your fucking car. You used my birthday as the code.” He laughed dryly. “You did say it would be in the files.”

“JJ—”

“JJ what?” he barked. “JJ, I can explain. JJ, it’s not what it looks like. JJ, I’m sorry.” His voice cracked a bit at the end, but he didn’t break.

“Whose idea was it?” he snapped as he reached into the safe with his free hand and pulled out the satellite phone. “To follow me. Whose idea was it? Yours or my brother’s?”

I didn’t want to lie to him, but I couldn’t throw Sully under the bus.

“JJ—”

“Stop saying my fucking name!” JJ yelled. He hurled the satellite phone at me. I only caught it out of pure instinct.

“Let’s get my big brother on the phone,” he continued, his voice cold.

I dropped the phone on the floor. Frustration, fear, anger, and pain swirled inside of me, building upon itself like a tornado. I couldn’t keep myself from striding forward, but I abruptly stopped when JJ put the gun to his own head.

“It’s a different game now, Cass,” JJ said softly. His hand was shaking more now. “You know I won’t shoot you, but you’re not so sure about this, are you?”

I was too afraid to open my mouth to respond. If I made even the slightest wrong move…

“Are you?” JJ demanded.

“No,” I admitted.

“This is what you wanted, isn’t it? You wanted vengeance. You wanted to fuck with my head. You wanted⁠—”

“I wanted you!” I shouted without thought. Thankfully, the finger he had resting against the trigger didn’t jump. It would take next to nothing for the gun to go off. “I wanted you, JJ! I wanted you back. I⁠—”

All the days I’d been locked in the room where no one could or would hear me bled together until this ugly darkness rose up inside me. “No one fucking told me, okay?” I raged. “Two days,” I ground out. “Two days of not knowing if you were alive or dead. Two days of staring at the only thing I had left of you… your blood beneath one of my fingernails. Your fucking blood. I couldn’t stop it. No one came when I screamed for help. No one came.”

I sucked in a much-needed breath as I tried to tamp down my fury. “I watched you die, JJ. I saw it when you were walking toward me one second and then crumpling to the ground the next. I saw it when your eyes slid shut as I held you in my arms and begged… fucking begged you not to close them. I saw it when the cops slapped cuffs on me and dragged me away from your lifeless body. The last fucking image I had of you that night was watching the paramedics doing CPR on you. I tried to get back to you but there were too many of them. The cops shoved me into one of the police cars and that was it. They just drove off and I never saw you again. You died in my arms, JJ, and no one told me any different for two fucking days!”

My entire body was shaking violently as everything went cold inside of me. “Sully didn’t come. My grandmother didn’t come. My father didn’t come. Not one of the all-so-important Ashbys came. I had to hear that you were alive from that fucking excuse of a lawyer they assigned to defend me! I would have traded a thousand lifetimes in prison for those two days.”

I was panting like I’d just run a marathon, and at some point, I’d unknowingly dropped my eyes to the floor. I jerked my head up. The rush of relief when I saw that JJ had lowered the gun to his side nearly sent me to my knees. I ran my fingers through my hair in an effort to gain control of my runaway mouth.

“Yes, JJ,” I admitted. “For about five seconds after I walked out of that place, I wanted you to hurt like I hurt. I wanted answers. I wanted to know why you never came to see me. I wanted to know why you weren’t at my trial. I wanted… I wanted you to know that I died that night too. I had no idea that you… that you…”

“Didn’t remember,” JJ softly supplied.

I managed a nod. “Sully told me about it after that day on the canyon road. The day I kissed you for the second time.”

JJ looked lost as he stared at the ugly lime green carpet beneath our feet. “Why couldn’t you just let me keep living the lie, Cass? I knew who I was there. I knew what I was. All those men… they knew what I was. I didn’t hurt in that place.”

“All you did was hurt in that place,” I countered. I slowly made my way to him. He didn’t step back, and he didn’t raise the gun. He didn’t even flinch when I removed the weapon from his hand.

“See, Cass, that’s the truth. Right there,” JJ whispered.

I shook my head in confusion.

“You want to believe that I’m still whatever version of myself I used to be. Your JJ didn’t drink all night, every night. Your JJ didn’t let random guys fuck him. Your JJ didn’t get on his hands and knees in a shitty alley so whoever wanted a piece of him could have it. Your JJ wouldn’t have pretended that everything was okay… that he was okay.” His voice cracked on the last word.

I reached my free hand out, but he stepped back.

“Your JJ did die that night, Cass. Now this version of JJ—this incredibly fucked up, selfish, ugly version, has to live with knowing he will never be what you want him to be, what you need him to be. He… I can’t be someone I don’t remember. I deserve this,” he said as he motioned to the empty room. “I know that. I know I deserve every second of what’s happened and so much more. I know I have to find a way to live with the knowledge that you spent two years in that fucking hellhole because of me. I deserve that. I did that. Me. This version of JJ,” he continued, placing his hand over his heart.

I shook my head because none of it was true. I needed him to know that. I needed him to understand. “JJ⁠—”

He caught me off guard when he stepped forward and captured my mouth with his. The kiss was slow and deep.

Desperate.

JJ’s hands framed my cheeks as his tongue slid against mine. I quickly caught up and kissed him back.

“You said you missed me. This morning in the shower. Do you remember, Cass?” His words were dotted with soft kisses that filled me with fear.

JJ wasn’t kissing me because he knew deep down that we’d be okay.

He was kissing me because he knew we wouldn’t.

I shook my head but with JJ’s hands holding my face, my denial was muted at best. His mouth captured mine again, but it still wasn’t the kind of kiss I wanted… needed. It wasn’t the kiss that promised me a future with him.

“JJ, don’t do this,” I breathed against his mouth. I kissed him hard. The need for oxygen was the only thing that allowed him to end the kiss.

“Who was I this morning? Who did you miss this morning?” he pressed.

“You—”

JJ was the one to shake his head this time. I could feel my heart being ripped apart bit by bit.

This was supposed to be okay.

This was all supposed to have been okay.

We’d been punished enough.

We’d suffered enough.

We’d lost enough.

“He was lucky,” JJ said with a sad smile. His cheeks were damp, and his voice was so rough it was hard to hear him. “Your JJ. He was so lucky to have had you for as long as he did, Cass.”

I’d called him that the night before. I’d called him “my” JJ.

“No,” I ground out when JJ tried to step back. I kissed him with everything I was. All my passion, love, hate, rage… I put it all into the kiss.

Our last kiss.

“No,” I whispered against his lips.

“Shhhh,” JJ returned. “Close your eyes, Cass.”

“No,” I responded, though it came out sounding like the plea it was rather than the demand I wanted it to be.

“Close your eyes, Cass. Please. For me.”

I felt like I’d swallowed a mouthful of cotton. I couldn’t deny him. As much as it fucking hurt, I couldn’t deny him.

I closed my eyes.

“You have to let me go, Cass,” JJ pleaded as his arms went around my neck. I pulled him against my body and held him for as long as I could.

It wasn’t long enough.

I was losing him all over again. As much as it hurt, deep down I knew what I wanted wasn’t fair. I wanted him to go back to a life he didn’t remember. I had absolutely no doubt that I loved JJ—all of him—with my entire being, but I couldn’t expect him to look in the abyss of his past and see something, feel something that wasn’t there.

“Let me go, Cass,” JJ choked out.

“Never, JJ,” I whispered in his ear even as I released him. “Never,” I said simply because I needed him to know that even if we couldn’t be what we’d once been, I would never let him go. He would always be a part of me even if I couldn’t be that for him.

He slipped from my hold and moved past me. I was relieved when I heard his footsteps above my head. He was going to the bedroom, not leaving the cabin. He was safe.

JJ was safe.

That was all that mattered.

I’d keep him safe while I searched for the person or people who’d tried to take him from me, then I’d do what I should have done all along. I’d do what JJ needed me to do so he could move forward with his life.

I’d let him go.

CHAPTER 18

Jj

He let me go.

A part of me still couldn’t believe it. Even though it was exactly what I’d asked him to do, I still couldn’t believe it. I also couldn’t believe how badly it hurt. Something inside of me was being ripped apart piece by piece and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

It had taken Boone several hours to come and get me after I’d called him with the satellite phone. I’d fully expected a confrontation with Cass when Boone had pulled up in his car, but there’d been no sign of him.

He’d vowed to never let me go and yet he hadn’t been there when I’d left. Selfish prick that I was, I’d wanted him to try one more time to ask me to stay because I’d known that I wouldn’t have been able to deny him. I would have spent the rest of my days trying to be the JJ he’d so fiercely cared for prior to the shooting.

I would have failed. I knew that and still, I’d been willing to put Cass through even more pain just so I could have him for a little longer. Had I always been someone who’d only ever been concerned with his own life and had overlooked everyone else’s? If so, why hadn’t anyone ever called me out on it?

God, that bullet really had fucked up my brain. Or maybe I’d been fucked up in the head before the shooting. I didn’t know anymore.

I didn’t know anything anymore. It was like every time I tried to make a decision about something, a wall went up inside my brain and I couldn’t see over it.

Even now, long after Boone had dropped me off, I was desperately trying to pretend that I was okay.

I was so far past okay that I couldn’t even see the line I’d have to cross just to be semi-normal. My entire body hurt. I felt heavy and light at the same time. My chest was so tight that every breath was painful. I wanted to throw up whatever was causing all the knotting and cramping in my stomach, but I’d already done that, and it hadn’t changed anything. Tears burned my eyes but refused to fall.

Two days earlier when I’d felt like this, I’d hightailed it to Tank’s. The emotions that had sent me there were a drop in the bucket compared to the pain currently locked inside of me.

I hadn’t even considered going to Tank’s after Boone had picked me up. The idea of letting some man touch me, let alone fuck me, made bile crawl up my throat.

I’d been sitting in the same motel room on the edge of the bed’s sagging mattress for most of the night and well into the morning hours. The fire that had been simmering beneath the scar on my scalp had been burning ever since I’d told Cass he had to let me go.

When Boone had arrived at the cabin, I’d fully expected some kind of confrontation with Cass as I’d descended the stairs from the little bedroom where I’d had another first with him earlier that day. I hadn’t realized it until after I’d left the cabin, but Cass was the first man I’d slept in a bed with. He was the first man whose arms I’d ever woken up in.

There’d been no confrontation. There’d been no Cass. When I’d reached the front door, the key that was necessary to turn the bolt had already been inserted into the lock.

Cass’s message couldn’t have been any clearer than that. Still, as I’d walked to Boone’s idling car, I’d intentionally dragged my feet in the hopes of hearing my name being called or a strong hand grabbing me from behind to stop me.

The only thing behind me had been a lifeless cabin.

I’d known from the moment Cass had desperately kissed me for the last time that I’d made yet another mistake. There were a lot of amazing actors in LA, but none could have rivaled his pain in that moment. That kind of agony couldn’t be faked. All the shit I’d said in the heat of the moment about Cass manipulating me for his own gain had been bullshit. He may have manipulated me in some ways, but none of them had been for his personal gain. Him wanting to find the proof of his innocence wasn’t something he’d wanted for himself; he’d wanted it for us.

I’d thrown that and more back in his face.

Missing Cass wasn’t the only thing that had me standing on the precipice of losing myself to the depths of my mind forever. The knowledge that Cass had needed me two years ago when he’d learned I was alive was like acid being dripped onto all the parts of me that were already raw and exposed. Maybe I couldn’t have gone to him right away, but I should have been fighting to free him from the moment Sully had told me that he had been arrested and convicted for the triple homicide and my own shooting. I might not have been able to remember that night or the weeks and months before his return from the military, but I should have instinctively known that Cass would never have hurt me, much less killed three innocent people.

Instead, I’d crushed my trust of Cass between my fingers until it had all bled out and there’d been nothing left to hold on to. Doing that had given me the freedom to create a new world for myself. It had given me the much-needed reprieve from all the nagging questions that had been swimming around in my brain.

Karma had finally found me and made me her bitch. There would be no outrunning her this time.

All I had now was a different set of questions that kept playing on a loop in my mind as I heard Cass’s screams in the background. When he’d been tossed into prison, had he mentally been screaming out to me to come and save him? Had there been actual screams for me when he’d been abandoned in solitary? Had he screamed for my brother or his own grandmother?

I knew in my gut that the internal scars Cass had mockingly described during my “interrogation” of him at the cabin had been a thousand times worse than he’d let on.

Cass had said he’d been given an hour outside every day, but I hadn’t believed him then and I didn’t believe it now. He had been convicted of shooting both a federal agent and a cop. The more sadistic prison guards who liked the power they wielded over their prisoners would have tortured Cass using the veil of vengeance for their brothers in blue as an excuse. They wouldn’t have even needed to touch him to do it.

How often had they left him without food, or even the presence of another human being? Had he even seen the sun after he was put in solitary? Even if he had been occasionally allowed to wander the prison yard by himself, would it have been enough for him to track the number of days that had come and gone? He’d asked me if I had any idea what it felt like to live without knowing what time it was. I might have lost time myself, but it wasn’t nearly the same thing. How many people took for granted something as simple as being able to check the time of day?

I dropped my head and pressed the heels of my palms into my eye sockets as the pain behind my right eye grew.

As angry as I was with Sully, I needed him.

In truth, I needed Cass more. Cass knew how to help me. He knew how to make the pain go away. I hadn’t even told Sully about my condition yet.

Since I doubted Boone had simply left after dropping me off at the nondescript motel, it would be easy enough to signal him to see if he had any pain medication or could get me some, but I didn’t want to move. I deserved the pain. I’d earned it.

A familiar sound broke through the sensation of someone cutting my head open with a chain saw. Brakes squealed as the rumble of my brother’s truck announced his arrival. I’d propped the door open as soon as I’d entered the room because I’d known that a locked door would do nothing to stop my brother from getting in. If anything, he would’ve broken the thing down.

Even though I knew it was Sully entering the room, I still couldn’t stop myself from whispering, “Cass?”

“He’s not with me, little brother,” Sully quietly responded. I wasn’t sure I’d ever heard him speak so softly. I kept my eyes closed because if I opened them now, the light, as dim as it was, would blind me and send me to the floor.

I heard the curtains being drawn closed and then heavy steps were passing in front of me. If I’d been able to, I would have warned Sully about the vomit pooled in front of my feet.

The already sagging mattress dipped even more as Sully lowered himself to sit next to me. I could picture exactly how he looked.

I couldn’t remember my mother, but I’d seen pictures of her. She’d been short and thin. My father had been taller than his wife, but he’d been just as skinny. My father had often said I looked just like my mother, but he’d never said that to Sully. My brother had ended up being a foot taller than my father and instead of having a lean, rangy body, he was stockier and much more muscular than both me and my father combined. Sully had also always looked grim, even during brighter moments of our lives, so I figured that was how he looked now.

“Here,” Sully said before he eased my left hand down so he could put a couple of pills in my palm. It seemed to take forever just to get them into my mouth. As soon as I did, a bottle of water was placed between my fingers. I swallowed the pills. The water felt good as it flowed down my throat but as soon as it hit my stomach, I knew there was a good chance it would come right up again.

“He told you,” I murmured as I dropped my head so I could rest my elbows on my knees. Since Sully had closed the curtains and had the pain medication ready, I pretty much knew Cass had given up my secret. I didn’t care. I was grateful.

My brother briefly rubbed the back of my neck. “Yeah,” he responded, his voice still low and quiet.

I waited for Sully to scold me for not having told him myself about the physical issues I’d been dealing with, but all he did was intermittently rub his hand over my back. I felt bad because I knew how awkward it was for him when it came to showing any kind of emotion, especially through physical contact, but I didn’t want him to stop because it helped take my mind off the pain.

I had no idea how much time passed as we both sat without speaking, but I welcomed the silence. The pounding in my head had lessened enough that I could do what Cass had taught me the first time he’d had to deal with one of my episodes. He’d told me to focus on things around me using my other senses before opening my eyes.

Not surprisingly, the technique once again worked. When I finally got my grainy eyes open, I saw that the room was pitched in darkness with only a small glimmer of light coming through the curtains.

Sully handed me the water again. I took a few more sips of it and then handed it back. I couldn’t stop myself from glancing at the room’s door to see if it was open or not.

It wasn’t.

“Where is he?” I asked.

“Gone,” Sully said. “I don’t know where. When Boone told me he’d picked you up, I called the satellite phone. Cass didn’t answer. I drove up to the cabin anyway. He wasn’t there. Neither was his gun. He left the files behind, though.”

Gone.

Cass was gone.

Just like you wanted.

I could practically see the smile that went along with the insidious voice in my head that had always beat out my gut when it came to making choices. It had prodded me on whenever I’d felt the urge to go to Tank’s. It had said uglier things to me than any of the guys who’d fucked me ever had. It had laughed victoriously whenever some guy had been pounding into me. The rougher the fuck, the louder the laugh. A shit ton of alcohol was the only thing that had ever silenced it.

Until Cass.

For the most part, the voice had left me in peace when I’d been with Cass.

“We were in a relationship, weren’t we? Cass and me?” I asked.

“Yes,” Sully responded. He handed me the bottle again and this time I kept it.

I straightened my body so I could look at the stream of light that entered through the window and cast its rays over my feet and the pool of puke between them. My attention was then drawn to the bottle of water in my hand. I hadn’t realized how badly I was shaking until I saw the water sloshing around inside the bottle.

“Did he love me?” I asked.

“I can’t answer that,” Sully returned.

“Did I love him?”

Sully shifted slightly. He let out a soft breath of air. “I don’t know that either, JJ. I do know that whatever was happening between you two was real. I could tell by the way you looked at each other.”

“How long? How long were we together?” I asked. Tears stung the backs of my eyes. Although I already knew that I’d been in a relationship with Cass prior to the shooting, it wasn’t enough. I wanted to know everything that was still just one big blank in my head.

“I’m not completely sure, but it wasn’t long. He stayed with us when he got home after being discharged. Within a couple of days, you were both conveniently gone around the same time every night. Cass always said he was going to hang out with friends. Your excuses were more elaborate and sometimes downright ridiculous. Between Cass not having friends besides you and me, and you being an incredibly bad liar, I knew pretty much right away. I think you had maybe three or four nights together before the night you were shot.”

“Four nights,” I said to myself. Would that have even been long enough to form a relationship as intense as the one Cass was remembering? He’d talked about the torment of watching me die and then not being told for two days that I’d survived.

“Long enough,” I murmured.

“What?” Sully asked gently.

“Four nights. It was long enough,” I responded. “Did you know he kissed me one of those nights?”

“Yeah, he told me.”

I probably should have asked my brother when Cass had told him, but those weren’t the words that came out. “It was my first kiss. Ever. Did he tell you that too?”

“No, JJ, he didn’t.”

I nodded. “Do you know what it’s like to not remember something like that?” I asked. Since it was a rhetorical question, I didn’t wait for Sully to respond. “How many people are lucky enough to have their first kiss be with the love of their life?”

“Not enough,” Sully returned. He didn’t seem surprised at my declaration of love.

That was one thing I didn’t have to remember in order to know it. I’d been in love with Cass for a long time, so I knew in my heart that I’d been one of those few lucky ones. But to not remember…

Hot tears began to slide down my face. I didn’t bother swiping them away. I’d been waiting for what seemed like a lifetime for them to finally fall.

“No one visited him, Sully. Not once after he was arrested. Not his family, not Dad, not you…”

“JJ,” my brother began on a long, deep, sad sigh. I could hear the guilt in his voice from just the way he said my name. My brother didn’t do guilt. He didn’t do emotion. He fixed. He solved. He protected.

“I know you don’t want or need to hear this right now, but it was the only way to keep you safe,” Sully began.

“Safe from what?” I asked. My voice sounded dull and lifeless. Why wasn’t I screaming at the top of my lungs? Why wasn’t I demanding straight, direct answers?

Because I was a coward, that was why. I didn’t want to know. Anything my brother said going forward would only place more light on how much Cass had suffered. I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to hear it.

Except I needed to hear it. I owed Cass that. I owed him so much more than that, but I could never take any of it back. I could never make it so he could be in a room with the door closed and not feel the need to see if it was locked from the outside.

“Safe from what?” I repeated firmly.

“Safe from the person who shot you,” Sully responded, clearly reluctant.

“I don’t understand,” I said. “Even if the suspect knew I was still alive, he had to know that I had no memory of that night. It was all over the news. If by some miracle I did eventually remember, the guy would be long gone by now. He accomplished what he needed to. He took out the witness⁠—”

“He shot you first, JJ,” my brother interjected.

I shook my head. The pain that had been receding began to flare to life again. “No,” I said. “That makes no sense. Why go after me first? I read through some of the files at the cabin. They all said I was a block away from the⁠—”

I stopped abruptly when my own words hit me. “The reports said he used a silencer, but I probably wouldn’t have heard the pops,” I murmured as the pieces began to fall into place. “If I had, I would have gone back to the apartment. It would have taken me a couple of minutes, so the guy would have had plenty of time to shoot everyone and flee the scene. I couldn’t have witnessed anything,” I said in disbelief.

“The witness, her daughter, and the federal agent were all shot execution style. You were shot from a distance. You and Cass were walking toward each other. The shooter was somewhere behind Cass, so if his goal was to take out all possible witnesses⁠—”

“Then why leave Cass alive?” I asked -myself. I lifted my eyes to look at my brother for the first time since he’d entered the motel room. He looked tired. Worn out. How long had he been that way and why hadn’t I noticed before?

Because you were a selfish, whiny little fuck.

The voice was right, of course, but I’d have to deal with that later.

“You think I was the target,” I said. “Oh my God,” I whispered as reality hit me. If Sully was right…

“No, no, no,” I called out as I climbed to my feet. My head spun crazily, throwing the rest of my body off balance. “No,” I repeated, even as a hand reached around my upper arm to steady me.

“JJ, I need you to listen to me,” Sully said, his voice firm. “It wasn’t your⁠—”

“Fault?” I asked incredulously. “It wasn’t my fault?” I said as loudly as my sore throat would let me. “That little girl, her mother, the agent⁠—”

“There was no way you could have known what would happen, JJ.”

My brother’s words had no effect on me whatsoever. They changed nothing. Three people were dead—an innocent little girl was dead—because of me. Because I’d done something to someone, or I’d seen something…

The water I’d taken a few sips of all came back up. My knees buckled and my body folded in on itself until I was crouched on the floor. Sobs of anguish, regret, and guilt consumed me even as my body continued to try and expel something that was no longer there. I heard my name being called, but I didn’t go to it. I didn’t want to.

I wanted to go back to the place I’d been for so long. The place I’d told Cass he should have left me in. The place where I was safe. The place where it was quiet. The place where I’d been able to live my life however I wanted.

I wanted to go back to the lie.

CHAPTER 19

Cass

“Mr. Ashby,” the man who opened the door said as he motioned for me to enter the house. I figured he’d been expecting me since I’d had to check in with Owen, the guard who’d been working for the Ashbys for as long as I could remember. He was in charge of who got past the heavy iron gate that kept what my father had always called riffraff from entering the sacred Ashby family compound.

It had ended up taking more than ten minutes before Owen had gotten the okay to let me in. He’d even insisted on scanning my ID before letting me past. He’d blamed the whole thing on red tape, but I hadn’t cared because that open gate meant I at least had a chance to be reunited with the only Ashby who’d ever truly loved me.

The mansion had looked exactly like it had from the first time I’d seen it through the lens of a fifteen-year-old kid who’d finally come to understand that the people outside my world weren’t riffraff at all.

After handing the keys to my Mustang over to a valet who’d seemed to appear out of nowhere, I’d walked up the wide front steps that had huge marble lions sitting outside the doors as if they were truly there to guard it.

The door had opened before I’d had to knock.

“Renly,” I said in reply to his greeting.

The butler had been with the Ashby family for as long as I could remember. He was a good deal younger than my grandmother, but his manner of speaking and grace while he worked solidified his commitment to his job and the people he served. As a child, I’d always wondered if Renly was his first or last name, but I’d never dared to ask him. Even though he wasn’t an Ashby, he’d become one of my grandmother’s closest confidants after my grandfather had passed away and he was always tight-lipped when it came to the family, my grandmother especially.

“Please do come in,” Renly said with a graceful motion of his arm. As always, he was impeccably dressed and well groomed. I hadn’t seen much of him since I’d joined the military when I’d turned eighteen, but he looked pretty much exactly the same as he always had. His hair was a little grayer in spots and a few more wrinkles lined his face, but at fifty years old and single, he was the epitome of what some would call a catch.

“Your grandmother is in the garden,” Renly said with a slight nod. The Ashbys were in no way officially royal, but he often dipped his head to show his respect. He’d withheld the gesture from most of the Ashbys, though.

Stepping into the house was like stepping back in time; just not the time I would have liked. Despite wanting to focus on the good things that had happened in that house as my grandmother had raised me, the bad things always had a way of taking up the majority of real estate in my brain.

Although I hadn’t seen much of my father as I’d been growing up, the times I had seen him were ones I’d wished I hadn’t.

It had been my grandmother who’d read me bedtime stories, scolded me for running over the gleaming marble floors with dirty shoes, bought me toys, made each holiday special, and everything else that had come with raising a rambunctious child.

Since I hadn’t known the truth about how my grandfather had treated my grandmother until after he’d died, I’d always considered myself lucky when I’d gotten to spend some time with him during the last few years of his life. He’d been the one who’d take me to the cabin in the mountains nearly every weekend. He’d always been happy to arrive at the small and very un-Ashby-like residence, but he’d also carried a mantle of sadness with him that I’d never been able to draw him out of, no matter how hard I’d tried. To this day, I still hadn’t been able to figure out why a place he’d clearly loved had also brought him such sadness.

Memories consumed me as I followed Renly to the back of the spotless mansion. Expensive artwork hung on the walls and the decor still had the timeless beauty that came from a mix of modern and antique furniture and fixtures. Not much had changed, though I hadn’t really expected it to. Even when I’d been little, my grandmother had always refused any recommendations from various family members to move things around or replace outdated furniture. Instead, she’d made sure that every inch of the house had been scrubbed, buffed, and polished so that the floors and furniture all gleamed.

Strangely enough, it didn’t feel warm to me now. There was no sensation of coming home after all the years I’d been gone. Nothing about the house felt like I belonged there. It wasn’t home.

Not like Sully and JJ’s house.

The mere thought of JJ left me with a profound feeling of loss. It was greater than any feeling the gorgeous mansion and privileged life I’d once led could offer. Even the excitement about seeing my grandmother for the first time in many years couldn’t compare to the pain of losing JJ.

I reminded myself that I’d see JJ again, even if it was from a distance. I’d been reminding myself of that from the moment I’d left the cabin and made the long walk to the highway which led to one of many tourist areas that dotted the roads leading in and out of Yosemite National Park. As much as I’d tried, I’d spent most of the hike thinking about the moment when JJ was finally safe, and I’d have to let him go for real. I had no fucking clue how I was going to be able to do it.

I’d seen him leave the cabin with the guy he’d been partnered with on the actress’s case. Since the satellite phone belonged to Sully’s company, it had made sense that the built-in GPS had shown the man exactly how to find us.

Letting JJ go had been one of the hardest things I’d ever done in my life, but I’d known there was no other choice. I hadn’t bothered to call Sully to come get me because I’d felt too raw and exposed to deal with anyone. I’d figured the guy with JJ would let his boss know about picking up Sully’s kid brother in the middle of the night from the cabin that was supposed to have done only one thing.

Give JJ time to sift through all the information about my case, official and unofficial, so he could determine for himself what the truth really was.

I hadn’t planned to visit my grandmother, but I really hadn’t known what else to do. The fact was that there was a chance that someone in the Ashby family could have been responsible for shooting JJ and framing me. My grandmother wouldn’t know anything about it, of course, but she’d be the only way I could ingratiate myself back into the family so I could look for evidence.

In truth, it was a weak excuse because I was looking forward to seeing the woman who’d raised me for so long, but I wasn’t certain if she would be happy to see me.

Patricia Ashby was a gleaming diamond among an assortment of fake, cheap costume jewelry. When I’d been a little boy, my grandmother had always been the one Ashby who’d carried herself with grace and dignity. She’d used her status, wealth, and the Ashby name to give back to those who’d needed it most. I’d never heard her say an unkind word about my grandfather or father even though I’d overheard stories from my grandmother’s staff about how overbearing both men had been.

As I’d grown up, my grandfather had always treated me well, but after he’d died, my grandmother had finally told me the truth about the emotional and sometimes even physical abuse she’d endured at his hands. That was when I’d learned about the harsh realities of the world—that people, even the ones who claimed to love us the most, hid behind masks.

My grandfather had worn one of those masks and I’d never seen it. After learning the truth about what kind of man he’d really been, the memories of the times I’d spent with him at the cabin had become tainted with betrayal. I hadn’t returned to the place until I’d taken JJ there.

It didn’t take long to find my grandmother in the huge garden because she was only fifty feet or so from the entrance to the massive collection of flowers and greenery. There’d always been a gardener whose sole job had been to maintain the garden, but my grandmother had often taken it upon herself to root through the dirt to plant bulbs and trim back the prickly vines of her favorite flowers.

Roses.

That was what she was doing when I opened the black iron gate near the entrance of the garden. Instead of kneeling on the ground, she was seated on a small stool with a cart of some kind on her other side. I figured it was for remnants of the rosebushes she was cutting off.

Oddly enough, the rose garden had been one of the few things that had been off-limits to me as a child. I hadn’t really understood why, but I hadn’t dared ask my grandmother that. Like most kids, the curiosity had become too much one day, so I’d followed her into the garden. I’d gotten caught, of course, but I hadn’t expected more than a lecture similar to the quiet but firm ones I’d always gotten when I’d done something wrong. The trip to the garden had been different. I’d never seen my grandmother as angry as she’d been that day. I hadn’t even recognized her. Her fury had been that out of control. It was the first and only time she’d ever struck me. She’d never apologized for what she’d done but that had only left me feeling more guilty. I’d been so afraid of losing her, I’d never once disobeyed her after that.

I remained by the entrance to the garden and let out a discreet cough. It took another one to get her attention. When she looked up, she had to cover her eyes to shield the sun so she could see me. Something inside of me broke open when she put her hand over her mouth and began sobbing.

“Cassius,” she whimpered as she tried to stand.

Despite my natural inclination to stay out of the garden, her reaction had me hurrying to her and gathering her in my arms. I wasn’t sure if the lengthy embrace was more for her or for me. She sobbed against my shoulder, and I clung to her like she was the only lifeline I had left in the world. She was still slim and fragile, so I made sure not to put too much pressure on her body.

“Cassius,” she repeated as she leaned back and framed my face with her hands. “It’s really you,” she said in disbelief.

“It’s really me,” I responded as I let her look me over. I’d been fit before I’d joined the military, but years of training had made me stronger. Even in prison, I’d kept up my boot camp workouts, both to stay in shape and to keep my sanity.

“You should have told me you were coming,” my grandmother chided gently as she stepped back but continued to hold my hands. “My poor, sweet boy,” she said just before she broke into another fit of sobs.

“I wasn’t sure you wanted to see me, Mother Ashby,” I explained. Although I’d been calling my grandmother Mother Ashby because that’s what she’d told me to call her from the time I’d started talking, saying it now as a grown man sounded strange to my own ears. My grandmother had told me countless stories of my actual mother and how much she’d loved me, and yet my grandmother had given herself the title of mother. A title no one else had ever called her. As a child, I hadn’t questioned it because she, for all intents and purposes, had been my mother. Being framed for murder had taught me to never stop asking questions until I had the answer.

“Oh, my darling little rose,” she said with a shake of her head. “I’ve missed you so much.” Her voice was crackly and breathless. “Renly!”

“Yes, mum,” Renly said from behind us. He was standing less than twenty feet away.

“Why didn’t you tell me my little rose was here?” she groused as she linked one of her arms with mine. I’d never been overly fond of her nickname for me, but the rest of the family had taken full advantage of it. My father, in particular, had never missed a chance to throw some taunting version of the flower nickname at me, even when I’d been in my teens.

“My apologies, mum,” Renly responded. “Shall I fetch you some tea?”

My grandmother shooed him off with a wave of her hand. When I’d been a child, she never would have simply waved someone away. Whenever my grandfather had been absent, her eyes had always done the talking for her, and on the rare occasion when she’d used her voice to reprimand someone, her words had been spoken cooly and quietly. I hadn’t been entirely immune to her disinterest and steely silences. I suspected she would have been able to bring even the most powerful of men to their knees with her sharp tongue and cutting looks.

My grandmother also hadn’t looked anything like the ones I’d seen on TV commercials: the sweet, elderly women who held a plate of fresh-out-of-the-oven cookies for all the excited kids waiting around them.

My grandmother had been too refined to make something as unimportant as cookies, and based on her upbringing, I doubted she even knew how to cook. She employed people to do things like that for her. Mother Ashby was proper, dignified, and always presented herself with grace and class. The woman walking slowly next to me was a stranger. My grandmother wore a simple, long white cotton gown that was smudged with dirt. Her normally neatly styled hair was loosely braided and had numerous flyaway strands sticking to her damp neck.

“I’m so glad you made it home safely from that awful place,” Mother Ashby said as she leaned against me. “When your father told me you’d decided to stay in the army instead of coming home, I’d been certain I’d never see you again.”

“The army?” I asked. My grandmother knew I was a Marine and that my last tour had ended shortly before I’d been arrested.

Before my arrest, she’d praised me for my accomplishments despite the fact that she’d never wanted me to enlist in the military in the first place. It hadn’t been only because of the danger I’d be in, but she’d hoped I would learn to run the family business alongside my father and eventually take over the reins of the Ashby empire, just like all the Ashby men who’d come before me.

“Oh yes,” my grandmother said with a slight nod. She relied on my support to step up the single stair that led into the house. I suspected we were headed for the solarium. It wasn’t a large room, but it was lined with the more delicate kinds of roses and had a sweeping view of the outdoor rose gardens. Just like the garden, she’d never let me join her in the room because it had been her “quiet place.”

As we walked, my grandmother prattled on about how proud and scared she’d been while I’d been in the military, but she never once mentioned my time in prison.

Was she just waiting until we were sitting down to berate me for the cloud of shame I’d brought down upon the Ashby name? Would that be when she’d tell me how disappointed she was in me? That she no longer wanted me to be her grandson?

The whole thing made no sense. I’d shamed the Ashby name in the worst way possible but instead of refusing to see me or, worse, allowing me to witness her disappointment, she’d cried when she’d seen me in her garden. Hugs weren’t something she’d ever freely given out, not even to me when I’d been a little boy. And hadn’t Renly announced my arrival to my grandmother once the guard at the gate, Owen, had notified him I was there?

By the time we sat down in front of a small table, it had been set up with an assortment of tea, coffee, and small pastries. I automatically began pouring my grandmother some tea and preparing it the way she liked it. It was only as I moved the tea closer to her that I remembered that maids were tasked with preparing tea. There was always one at the ready to do things at my grandmother’s bidding. Ashbys didn’t serve themselves. Other people did it for them.

A quick glance around proved that we were alone.

“A warm towel for your hands, mum?” Renly said, once again appearing out of nowhere. He had a silver tray in his hands. There were two steaming washcloths on it.

“Oh yes, of course, how silly of me,” Mother Ashby remarked as Renly put the towelette in front of her. She looked at it with confusion.

“And for you, sir?” Renly asked, his tone insistent. He shifted his eyes to my grandmother and back to me. I nodded. Renly immediately used his silver tongs to place the towel on a plate in front of me. My grandmother still hadn’t reached for hers.

“I missed these,” I said, pulling my grandmother’s focus to me. I began washing my hands with the washcloth. “While I was in the army,” I added.

Mother Ashby’s eyes cleared and then she was reaching for her cloth so she could wipe away the dirt on her hands. Renly stepped forward as soon as we were done so he could take the washcloths and then he disappeared again. He never did something as menial as offering guests warm towels.

My grandmother took a sip of her tea and then motioned to me. “Drink, eat,” she insisted. “The food must have been terrible over there.”

Over there.

Not in there.

Over there.

Dear God, she really did believe I’d been serving overseas all this time. How the hell was that even possible?

“So, um, who told you I was home?” I asked as I took a sip of my coffee.

“Renly did, of course. Just now, my silly little rose,” my grandmother said. She reached for one of the fancy little sandwiches on the serving tray. There were tongs, but she used her fingers to take it. My grandmother had always been a force to be reckoned with when it came to manners. Especially table manners. All of that had apparently fallen by the wayside.

“Your father must have wanted to surprise me,” my grandmother continued as she ate the sandwich. Another strict rule being broken. Never speak when one’s mouth is full.

The idea that my father would have wanted to surprise his own mother about her grandson’s reappearance was absolute bullshit. I kept my mouth shut, though, because it had finally dawned on me that my grandmother wasn’t the woman she’d been before I’d been arrested. Her mental state hinted at some kind of memory loss or dementia. It would have been easy for my father and all the other Ashbys to take advantage of her.

My greedy aunts, uncles, and cousins had been waiting for my grandmother to die so they’d all get their share of her fortune, but my father had the most to gain. As her closest next of kin, he’d get everything. All of the companies, all of the numerous properties all over the world, the countless number of cars, yachts, and planes and, of course, the money—they’d be his for the taking.

Mother Ashby wouldn’t even need to be dead for him to do it. All he’d have to do was have her declared incompetent and that would be it. There’d be no one standing in his way.

Except me.

I would be in his way.

Just like I would’ve been in his way two years earlier.

The idea that I’d been the target of the assassin’s bullet and not JJ had me wanting to throw up right there on my grandmother’s beautiful tablecloth. I jumped up so fast that I tipped my chair over, startling my grandmother so badly that she knocked over the cup of tea in front of her. Thankfully, none of it spilled on her, and a maid that hadn’t been present before appeared out of nowhere to clean up the mess.

“I’m sorry,” I blundered. “I, um, just need some air. Would you excuse me, Mother Ashby?”

“Of course,” my grandmother responded. As I turned on my heel and began striding back in the direction we’d come from, I heard her call out, “Should I call for a doctor, my little rose?”

“No, I’m fine,” I returned over my shoulder. “Just not used to being indoors.”

My stomach had settled by the time I reached the doorway leading to the gardens. Renly was waiting for me.

Good.

I needed to know what the hell was going on and Renly was going to be the one to tell me, whether he wanted to or not.

CHAPTER 20

Jj

Finding Cass ended up being a lot easier than I would’ve thought, and I wanted to kick myself for not having figured it out sooner.

While my brother was using every resource at his disposal to locate Cass, I’d had this strange feeling in my gut just after the sun had fallen and instead of ignoring it, I’d followed it. Sully had told me countless times to stay inside our house and had even posted several of his men all around our block so they could keep an eye on things, but I’d been going stir-crazy for days. Luckily, my brother had chosen tonight to call all the men who were watching the house inside for a quick briefing. I’d used the opportunity to quietly make my own escape.

Learning that either Cass or I had been the target of the shootings and not just an afterthought to the other murders had broken me. I didn’t remember my brother taking me home from the motel, nor did I remember the twenty-four hours that had followed. Fortunately, when I’d finally let the grief and guilt take a back seat to what was happening, I’d been able to start looking at all the evidence Sully had collected—and thankfully remembered to grab from the cabin—with a fresh perspective.

I’d also been waiting for the phone to ring.

Any phone. Sully’s cell, mine, the landline we still had in the house for some reason. I’d been desperate to hear Cass’s voice, even if it hadn’t been directed at me.

There’d been no call and as each hour had passed, I’d grown more and more restless. Even though I’d told Cass to leave, I was pretty sure he hadn’t. Not the area, at least. Cass was probably doing the same thing that Sully and I were.

Trying to identify the murderer and anyone who might have been linked to him.

Cass wouldn’t be searching to finally prove to the world that he’d been innocent all along—no, he wouldn’t be thinking about himself at all. He’d be focused on finding the person or people who’d killed a little girl, her mother, and a federal agent.

And me.

He’d be trying to find out who’d hurt me.

Who’d taken his JJ from him.

That wouldn’t be all, though. Cass had been protecting me from pretty much the moment he’d been released from prison, and he wouldn’t stop doing that just because I wasn’t the same JJ he’d cared so much for. He’d protect me because that was what Cass did.

What he’d always done.

It had been more than a week since Sully had picked me up from the motel. My brother and I hadn’t talked about anything other than the evidence he’d dug up in his own effort to find the suspect. Unfortunately, my memory loss hadn’t been limited to just the nights before and of the shooting. I hadn’t been able to remember anything from several months prior to that night. My last memory had been of Sully’s birthday shortly after the death of our father.

Despite our loss, Sully and I had upheld the tradition of celebrating special events by going to the same shitty Scottish pub our father had practically lived at during the final years of his life, and we’d drunk ourselves senseless. We’d even rehashed many of the stories our father had told us over and over as we’d grown up. They included the tale of how our parents had met and while it had brought up the painful memory of losing both our mother and father, the alcohol had given us the same loose tongues it’d given our father when he’d wanted to talk about his beloved wife.

As I grew closer to my destination, my heart began to pound even harder in my chest. The farther I left the safety of the house behind me, the more worried I became that my hunch wouldn’t pan out. I’d have a pissed-off Sully to deal with either way, so that part didn’t matter to me. I just needed to see Cass.

Just one more time.

This time, there would be nothing—no bullet, no assassin, no well-meaning family member—that would be able to take that time away from me.

As for my brother, I loved him to death for everything he had and was still trying to do to keep me safe, but there was no way I could make him understand that my world made even less sense now than it had before Cass’s return. Sully couldn’t fix that for me. Cass couldn’t fix it for me, either. I had to fix it, and I had to start at the place where only one thing did make sense.

I wanted Cass.

I wanted him to want me. The me that I was now. I didn’t deserve it, but now that I understood what had been truth and what had been lies, I wanted to try living the truth.

With Cass.

And if he didn’t want me, if he’d come to his senses and accepted I wasn’t the JJ he’d lost, I’d find a way to live with that. But if there was even a chance…

I reminded myself that I needed to stay focused on my surroundings. I’d understood everything Sully had drilled into me about not letting anyone in on the fact that I knew the truth about the night of the shooting, and I hadn’t disagreed with him.

Problem was, Sully had no understanding of Cass’s true suffering. How could he? I’d seen only a few shreds of the true suffering Cass had either allowed me to see or had inadvertently revealed. Sully was right in that Cass could take care of himself, but that was when it came to the physical stuff. What about all the rest of the shit that was locked away in his mind? The shit Sully and I had played a role in putting there. I’d never understood what needing to protect someone you cared about had really meant until I’d come face to face with Cass and watched him protect me time and time again despite the hatred he should have had for me.

Ironically, it was that understanding which had made it possible to forgive my big brother for everything that had happened. He’d had to choose my life over his best friend’s freedom, and it had been a decision he’d had to make entirely on his own. Sully had admitted that he’d never even considered the idea that Cass’s own family would abandon him. Even if Cass’s father had hated his own son, why hadn’t he protected the Ashby name by getting Cass the high-priced lawyers who would have been able to get the charges dropped altogether? From there, it would have just been a matter of putting Cass on a private flight to a country with no extradition agreement with the United States, and Cass and his piece-of-shit father would have happily parted ways for the rest of their lives.

I couldn’t say what I would have done in Sully’s shoes, but I was glad he’d managed to get Cass out sooner rather than later. Had I not spent the past year being a selfish prick who attended his very own pity party night after night, I could have been helping Sully come up with the cash to get Cass out sooner. I could have been working the case as well. Instead, I’d spent my days passed out in bed and my nights letting guys use me so I could escape my so-called terrible life.

What about Cass’s life? When would it be his turn to play the pity card? Even though a man like Cass would never go that route, he’d earned the right to feel sorry for himself and be pissed about everything that had been stolen from him.

Although I’d forgiven Sully for his deception and for literally keeping me in the dark for so long after I’d been deemed fully recovered, I wasn’t a kid anymore, and even though I didn’t officially carry a badge, I still knew how to be a cop. I cared about my safety, but I didn’t need Sully checking under my bed for monsters anymore. I didn’t need ice cube wake-up calls, either, and Tank’s was no longer even on my radar.

I wasn’t that man anymore.

Because of Cass.

Nothing I did would make up for all the mistakes I’d made from the time I’d learned my life had been irrevocably changed forever, but the little time that I’d gotten to spend with Cass had reminded me that despite all my failings, I still got to choose what path to follow going forward.

The question now was whether or not Cass would give me another chance to walk that path together.

I was shaking by the time I reached the small park a few blocks from my house. I tried to pass it off as the uneasiness of knowing someone could be hunting me, but the second I saw the familiar outline of a man sitting on one of the wooden benches by a tiny football field, the butterflies in my stomach were proof that I wasn’t thinking about a potential assailant.

Surprisingly, Cass didn’t seem to notice my presence at all. The Cass I knew was always aware of what was happening around him. No one got the drop on him.

“You shouldn’t be here,” Cass said softly.

I almost smiled. At least some things hadn’t changed.

“How did you know?” I asked as I moved around the bench and stood before him. The flickering light above our heads only allowed me glimpses of his face. He had yet to look at me.

Not a good sign.

“The same way you knew I was here,” Cass responded, his voice emotionless. “Go home, JJ.”

His dismissal was like a punch to the gut. I couldn’t help but laugh, though nothing about any of this was funny.

“Is that really why you’re three blocks from my house at the very park where we first met? To tell me to go home?” I asked.

Cass’s silence infuriated me. So did his lack of any kind of physical reaction to my presence.

“So that’s it,” I said. “You go off the grid for over a week and then when you finally decide to show up, you aren’t even man enough to come to the house?”

When Cass didn’t respond or even look at me, I backed up so I was standing directly in the light shining over the baseball field and held out my arms. “You think this will give whoever’s out there a clear shot? No trees to block his view, a little bit of light to make sure it’s me and⁠—”

Cass was on me before I could even finish the sentence. His hand wrapped around my throat, but he didn’t apply any real pressure. His blue eyes were filled with emotion—fury, to be exact—now. I didn’t resist when Cass dropped his hand and wrapped it around my bicep so he could pull me back out of the light. He didn’t stop there, though. He practically dragged me into the public restroom that was meant for park visitors. After slamming me up against the wall, he kicked the door shut behind him and then locked it.

“Well, it’s not the worst bathroom I’ve ever let a guy⁠—”

“Shut the fuck up!” Cass snapped as he got in my face again. “Is all this a game to you, JJ? You don’t get to lose yourself in a bar full of men anymore so you decide to get your fix by sneaking out of the house like a rebellious teenager just so you could pick a fight⁠—”

“Fuck you, Cass!” I barked as I shoved him hard. Between the confined space and his assumption I wouldn’t fight back, he stumbled backward and hit the edge of the sink. The brief skirmish left us both breathing much harder than it should have.

I knew my heavy breaths had nothing to do with being pissed at Cass. Relief, nerves, and lust had my blood heading south. I could feel my cock pressing against the denim of my jeans. It wouldn’t be long before he would see physical proof of my state.

Stepping back, I let my back brush up against the concrete wall behind me, my eyes never leaving his. “Do you have any idea what you put…” I paused briefly because I was in dangerous waters. “What you put Sully through this past week?”

“Sully…” Cass mused as he too leaned back, letting the sink support him. “Last time Sully and I talked, he made it pretty clear what was and what wasn’t supposed to happen in that cabin. Boundaries… that’s what he called them.”

I could feel the saliva pooling in my mouth. Sure enough, when I dropped my eyes to Cass’s groin, there was no mistaking that we were on the same page physically. Unfortunately, we were miles apart on everything else.

I didn’t care.

I didn’t care that it would make everything worse. I didn’t care that it would only widen the rift between us. I selfishly didn’t care that I would be hurting him all over again.

That I’d be hurting myself.

My body was in charge and my brain had no interest in regaining control of it.

“What if those boundaries changed? For one night?” I asked.

I nearly came on the spot as Cass straightened and slowly walked toward me. The lust in his eyes was impossible to ignore.

Lust.

Nothing else.

Just lust.

Like all the men who’d looked at me in every piece-of-shit bar I’d spent my nights in for the past year. The reminder of everything I’d done, everything I’d allowed others to do to me allowed that cruel little voice to remind me I wasn’t good enough for the man in front of me.

Cass’s approach made me feel like I was some kind of prey facing its inevitable demise. My heart began to beat frantically in my chest as the weak-assed armor I’d tried to encase it in began to crack.

I didn’t want this.

Except that I did.

Cass’s hands came to rest on the wall, one on each side of my head. I couldn’t speak as I waited for him to shove his groin against mine.

How many times had I been in this same position? Letting guys manhandle me because I knew it turned them on? Welcoming every hard, denim-covered dick that pressed against mine as ugly, degrading names and suggestions had been whispered in my ear? How many times had I wondered if any of the guys would be different… if they’d make me feel something real?

“Hey,” Cass said softly, the tip of his nose brushing teasingly against mine, putting his mouth dangerously close to my own. The move felt as intimate as a kiss. His warm, soothing voice as he spoke that one single word did what it was supposed to. I focused all my attention on Cass and ignored every memory that the idea of rough, ugly sex had stirred up.

He repeated the move. I couldn’t help but close my eyes. When the caress ended, I let out a rush of air that had been trapped in my lungs. Cass was watching me intently when I finally managed to open my eyes. Gone was the emotionless lust, the blank eyes, and the eager cock. Well, that last part was still there, but the man standing before me was the man I’d come to find.

“I know you don’t remember a lot of things, but somewhere inside of you, deep inside, you know that I would never hurt you. That I would never make love to you in a place like this,” Cass continued.

I found myself nodding without even needing to think about it. I’d already known he’d never hurt me, but I hadn’t given much thought to a scenario like the one we were currently in. Not only would Cass never physically hurt me, he also wouldn’t degrade and humiliate me, even if I tried to goad him into it with false bravado and crass language. The part about making love was harder to accept. I’d never heard those words before. I’d never expected to, either, because no one made love to the neighborhood cock slut.

“Cass,” I whispered.

“Yeah?” Cass’s mouth was so close to mine that if I moved just the tiniest bit, our lips would touch the next time he spoke. I shifted my eyes from his because I couldn’t handle the hunger I saw in them. The same hunger he’d see in my eyes. Hunger and so much more.

That was when I saw the bathroom door.

“You closed the door,” I blurted. Cass had closed and locked the door behind us for me. To keep me safe. “Cass, the door—” I said as I tried to pull free of his hold so I could open it for him.

His hold on me was gentle but somehow still unbreakable.

“Cass,” I tried again, but then his lips were skimming the shell of my ear.

“Turns out that if I’m with the right person, I kind of like being hidden away from the rest of the world,” he whispered into my ear.

When Cass pulled back so he could look me in the eye again, all the emotions that had been ripping me to pieces dissipated, leaving only one behind. The one that had been a part of me for so long, even during my black hole of lost time.

I wanted to say the word to him. I wanted so badly to put it between the two other smaller words so he’d know how I really felt about him. I wanted him to say it back to me.

Except he wouldn’t be speaking to me.

He’d be saying the cherished words to a ghost.

“I’ve never done that,” I said shakily as I tried to collect myself. “Make love,” I stammered as I recovered from the near disaster.

I felt Cass’s smile rather than saw it. He’d moved in close enough that his lips were brushing mine as he spoke. “Me either,” he admitted sheepishly. I closed my eyes in glorious anticipation of finally feeling his mouth moving over mine again, but it never came. Instead, the hands holding my wrists loosened, then dropped away. The heat that Cass’s body had enveloped mine in evaporated. The mouth that had brushed briefly against my own with the weight of nothing more than a feather floated away like it had never been there to begin with.

I forced myself to keep my eyes closed as I listened to the soft thud of retreating footsteps. For once, I wished for the blinding pain to burst to life behind my eye, but karma once again intervened. I wasn’t going to be able to escape so I could hide my feelings. The second I opened my eyes, Cass would see everything, and since he hadn’t taken what I’d been freely offering, it meant one thing.

He remembered who I was.

Or rather, who I wasn’t.

I may not have had the blinding pain in my head to help me, but humiliation made up for it. I opened my eyes but kept my head down. “I should go,” I said as I bolted for the door. I didn’t even manage to get it open before Cass slammed it shut again with his hand and held it there.

“It’s not safe, JJ,” Cass said, though I could barely hear him because of the roaring sound in my ears. Heat was spreading along my shoulders, neck, and face.

“I’ll be fine,” I stammered. “I’m armed and I made sure I wasn’t followed.” I tugged on the door as hard as I could, but it wouldn’t budge. The shame was like a living thing inside of me. Despite all of the self-bravado talk I’d engaged in with myself as I’d searched Cass out, the reality was that no matter how much I wanted him, he’d finally come to his senses and realized it wasn’t me he really wanted. He’d been in the park for one reason and one reason only.

To protect me.

It would never be anything more than that, no matter how much I tried to be a better man.

“Fine, call Sully. He’ll come—” I began.

“I’m not talking about that kind of safe,” Cass said, his voice achingly gentle. It just made everything worse. How could he be so calm while my entire world felt like it was imploding?

If he wasn’t talking about my physical safety, then what the hell was he talking about?

Oh God…

“I got tested,” I barked. “I mean, I know it doesn’t matter, but I asked Sully to take me to a clinic and somehow I tested negative for everything, but I need to be retested⁠—”

“JJ—”

I ignored Cass’s attempt to get my attention. I hadn’t meant to admit anything about getting tested for sexually transmitted diseases because he had already made it clear that a physical relationship wasn’t going to happen. The mere thought that Cass had been worried about picking something up from me because of my reckless sexual behavior was another level of humiliation I just couldn’t take. It was something I ultimately would have told him if things had gone differently, but to actually confront the truth about the real reason he’d stopped short of kissing me was unbearable.

When Cass continued to hold the door closed, my flight response changed to fight. I turned and slammed my hands against his chest. He grunted but didn’t let go of the door. I didn’t have enough room to throw a punch, so I went for every other self-defense tactic I’d been trained in. None of it worked because I had no strength left.

Physical or emotional.

I let my back slide down the door until I was sitting on the floor. I couldn’t stop the sobs that poured out of me. I choked on the unleashed screams in my throat and tore at my hair in the hopes of gaining control of something… anything. In what universe would I ever be normal? I’d had my shot with Cass two years earlier and even though it had been taken from me, that didn’t mean I could have it back just because I wanted it to be that way. I couldn’t change myself into a better version of me overnight. Not after everything I’d done.

“JJ, stop!” Cass shouted. His hands wrestled mine away from my hair. He was crouching in front of me but as soon as I tried to crawl away from him, he dropped his body so his weight was pinning me down. I fought like a wild animal, but it was all to no avail.

“Let me go, Cass. Please,” I begged when fight joined flight in leaving my body. I was weak and wrecked. I didn’t know up from down or left from right. I couldn’t see anything because my eyes hurt so bad from the tears. Despite begging Cass to release me, I wouldn’t have been able to move if he had. At most, I would have lain down on the dirty linoleum floor and wished for the silence of death that had threatened to take me two years earlier.

“JJ, look at me. I need you to understand why I had to stop what was about to happen between us,” Cass ordered.

Five minutes ago, I would have complied with the order to look at him. Instead, I tucked my head against my right arm as best as I could considering Cass still had a hold of me. Thankfully, the tears had stopped, or at least slowed, but it didn’t really matter. I wouldn’t be able to pull myself together as long as he loomed over me.

“Goddamn it, look at me!” Cass shouted. I flinched at the anger in his voice. I reminded myself that he had the right to be angry with me. He had the right to hate me for everything I’d let happen to him.

I owed him a response and if the response was that he wanted me to look at him, so be it. Sitting on that bathroom floor, covered in tears and God only knew what else, my skin red and hot, I could easily say I’d never been at a lower point in my entire life. I would have gladly taken the moment Cass had found me in the alley behind Tank’s over what was happening now.

“Don’t you fucking do this to me again,” Cass practically snarled when I was slow to respond to his demand. I wasn’t sure what he meant but it didn’t matter. I lifted my eyes to meet his. I could barely see him through the remaining blur of tears that hadn’t fallen. When I lifted my arm a little, I was surprised to find that Cass released it. I used my sleeve to wipe my face as best as I could. The move meant I could see Cass better.

I was stunned to see silent tears sliding down his face.

Oh God, had I inadvertently hurt him when I’d been trying to escape his hold? I hadn’t thought I’d done any damage to him, but what if I had?

“Cass—” I croaked.

“It’s not safe for me, JJ,” he growled.

I wasn’t sure I heard him right until he repeated the words. Even then, I had no clue what he was talking about. Had he found something out and whoever had shot me was hunting him now? All of my humiliation was swept away like it had never been.

“Oh God, Cass, who⁠—”

Cass closed his eyes and shook his head. “It’s you, JJ. I’m not safe from you.”

The admission had me releasing him and pulling back but I didn’t have anywhere to go.

“No… no, I would never—” I stammered before Cass placed his fingers gently over my mouth to silence me. He looked completely broken. A shell of who he’d once been. I didn’t want him to say any more because it was starting to make sense now. He’d prevented me from leaving the dingy little bathroom because he’d wanted to explain why he’d backed off instead of kissing me. He wasn’t afraid of me giving him something I’d picked up from some stranger.

It was so much worse than that.

Every part of me froze when Cass dropped his eyes, pulled his hand back and shook his head in mute acceptance of whatever he was about to say.

“I’ve lost you twice now, JJ. I just… I can’t do it again.”

CHAPTER 21

Cass

As much as I wanted to take the words back, I couldn’t. Just like everything else when it came to JJ, I’d fucked things up again.

For one, I never should have dragged him into a place that was so small that there’d be no way to keep my hands off him.

Second, I most definitely shouldn’t have tried to fool myself into believing I could have JJ in my arms again and then just as easily let him go when our desires were momentarily satiated. He’d pretty much given me the green light to do what I wanted by suggesting we ignore the boundary line that was keeping us apart.

Finally, and most of all, I shouldn’t have been anywhere near JJ to begin with. I shouldn’t have been sitting in my rental car night after night watching Sully’s men build a safe perimeter around his home. I hadn’t even been able to physically see JJ on any of those nights and yet I’d kept returning to the same spot simply so I could be near him.

Just like the night he’d been shot, JJ’s disappearance from my life a second time had nearly destroyed me. The fact that he’d voluntarily left me when he’d walked out of the cabin had disintegrated what was left of my heart.

Or so I’d thought.

Obviously, a few shards had been left behind. It was the only explanation for my behavior. I’d wanted to be with JJ from afar, but I wasn’t strong enough to take what he was freely offering. Yet here I was, watching the man who had been and always would be my other half, being ripped apart by my own cruelty and stupidity.

When I’d pulled back from the near kiss, I’d only been thinking about the need to shield myself from another round of crippling despair. Once I’d realized how JJ had interpreted my defection, I’d been desperate to make him understand that my behavior had been out of a need for self-preservation and not because he’d done anything wrong. I just hadn’t wanted to admit it out loud.

I hadn’t given any thought to the humiliation JJ would feel because of my rejection. His over-the-top reaction hadn’t made sense until he’d mentioned being tested. It was only then that I’d realized he believed I’d pulled back from the almost kiss because of the things he’d done at Tank’s.

I’d never once judged JJ for all the things that had happened at Tank’s. How could I? He hadn’t gone there because he’d enjoyed what those men had done to him. He’d gone there because he’d needed to escape and for whatever reason, reckless, degrading sex and copious amounts of alcohol had given him a sense of false peace that had worked long enough to get him through the rest of the hours of each day. If anything, I’d wanted JJ even more because his behavior had been proof that he’d been hurting just like me. But I’d never told him that. Not directly, anyway. In fact, I’d cruelly used it against him during one of our “discussions” at the cabin. I’d talked down to him like he’d been some stupid kid jumping from one guy to another just for the thrill of it.

My raw admission that I couldn’t go through losing him for a third time hadn’t made things better.

The fact that JJ didn’t even try to move when I lifted my weight off of him and stood was proof enough that all I’d done was even more damage. I opened my mouth to try and explain that everything was on me, that he’d done nothing wrong, but I couldn’t speak. My throat had closed up and my eyes stung from the tears I’d helplessly shed as I’d witnessed JJ’s violent reaction to my inadvertent cruelty.

I turned and went to the sink to moisten some of the cheap, thin paper towels that were meant for people to dry their hands with. I moved slowly because I was desperately trying to figure out how to undo what I’d done. The sound of shuffling behind me had me looking in the mirror. The reflection showed JJ now standing. He didn’t go for the door, though. He stood quietly and stared at me. My eyes held his for several beats before I forced myself to look down so I could pretend to focus on what I was doing. Although I’d meant the paper towels for JJ so he could clean his face, the fact that my hands were shaking was proof that at some point those paper towels had become a prop. Something to keep me from having to face him again. The adrenaline that had been pumping through my blood during the struggle was starting to dissipate and all of the emotions I’d tucked away after JJ had walked out of the cabin began to come back in brutal, painful punches.

The military had taught me how to survive under the most extreme and demanding physical conditions as well as how to keep my cool in the most high-pressure situations that would have left most men folding, but I had no control over my feelings when it came to the one man standing behind me. How was that possible?

I flinched when I felt a light touch skim over my back. I should have been able to look up and face JJ like a man, but I was too weak.

“I never should have touched you,” I murmured as I sensed rather than saw JJ move around me so that he was at my side. I shook my head. “That first night when I came back, I never should have touched you. I should have left your house the second I realized…”

I fell silent because what else was there to say? I’d already said and done enough stupid things tonight. Piling on more was pointless.

JJ didn’t respond to my words. Instead, I felt his fingers close over mine but only so he could remove the wet paper towels that were crumpled up in my fist. I let him take them. I didn’t want to look at him so I kept my head down, but when I felt his fingers close around my upper arms so he could turn me, I didn’t stop him.

Instead of wiping the wet towels over his face, he began wiping them over mine. His touch was gentle, and his eyes followed his fingers as if he was afraid of missing a spot. The intimate act made my internal pain both better and worse at the same time.

Upon finishing, I remained where I was as JJ quickly wiped down his own face. At one point, he sent me a small, sheepish smile, like he too couldn’t make sense of how we’d ended up standing in front of a dingy mirror in an even dingier bathroom looking rumpled and tousled like we’d been engaging in a good kind of physical encounter instead of a bad one.

“I have a lot of things I need to say to you, Cass, but I don’t want to do it here. I know that you don’t want to be near me anymore and I accept that and want to respect it, but I don’t want to say goodbye like this,” JJ said as he motioned to the spot where we’d been unleashing our emotions on one another.

Despite all the warning bells going off in my head and the vow I’d taken to stay away from JJ in a last-ditch effort to not have to experience the pain of losing him for a third time, I simply nodded. Truth was that the man standing before me wasn’t the same person who’d told me I needed to let the old JJ go. His doubts and insecurities still consumed him, but he hadn’t been afraid to stand up to me, and now he was asking to do the mature thing and end whatever this thing was between us the right way.

He’d been right about not being the same person that I’d started seeing two years ago, but he’d been wrong about me needing to mourn that JJ. The reality was that I’d only had enough time to get to know bits and pieces of that JJ before he’d been taken from me. I’d seen glimpses of the current JJ in the one who’d nearly died in my arms. He’d had passion two years ago but now I knew he was also passionate. He’d been shy and reserved two years ago, but I saw those same qualities now too. The man he’d been had been forced to adjust to the man he’d become. I might have experienced love at first sight two years earlier, but I now understood what being in love really meant. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that whether it had happened two years ago or yesterday, it was the same thing. I was in love with JJ.

Period.

End of statement.

There were no caveats, no conditions, no concessions.

I would always love JJ, but it was like I’d said. Being around him wasn’t safe for me. It would be too easy to give myself over to the man and whether I lost him to another tragedy, or he walked away when he finally realized he couldn’t build a life with a man he’d pitied, the outcome would be the same.

I ignored the warning bells in my head that were telling me I was about to make yet another terrible mistake that would leave me with even fewer pieces of myself and gave JJ a quick nod. His unmasked relief relit the ember of warmth within me—the one that had been snuffed out the moment JJ had told me to let him go during our last encounter at the cabin. As I remembered how I’d begged him not to leave me, all the warmth fled my body.

Losing that warmth gave me the control I needed to now make it possible for me to function like the soldier I’d been. Confident, distant, efficient.

When JJ slowly took several steps back from me, I knew I was mentally back where I needed to be. I could hold myself together while he said his piece and then he’d walk out of my life for good and I’d start trying to figure out how to put myself back together again.

“Do you have somewhere we can go? Sully’s not really going to be in the best frame of mind right now and chances are that if we don’t go soon, his guys will find us,” JJ asked, his voice stiff.

“My mother’s parents left her a houseboat in Ventura Harbor. That’s where I’ve been staying since we⁠—”

I stopped abruptly when I realized what I’d been about to say. “I’ve been staying there,” I said curtly.

JJ nodded.

My stomach tightened into dozens of painful knots when JJ moved to the door and unlocked it. He pulled the gun he’d stashed in his waistband at the small of his back and turned the safety off. Although it was absolutely the most inopportune moment to be thinking about it, I was both proud and a little turned on by how confidently he held the weapon. I’d already drawn my own gun but didn’t try and move past JJ despite my desperate need to be the first one to clear the area outside the door and around the park.

JJ and I clung to the shadows as he followed me to my rental car. He didn’t question me about where my Mustang was. Instead, he quietly slipped into the passenger seat and scanned our surroundings as I got the car moving.

Neither of us spoke during the two-hour ride to Ventura Harbor. I’d already learned the schedule of the nighttime security guard who monitored the gate that kept strangers away from the dock that led to several houseboats. Like clockwork, the guard took his break five minutes after JJ and I reached the marina.

The cover of darkness made it easy to get to my grandparents’ houseboat. Once we’d boarded the vessel, I led JJ to the innermost part of the house, which happened to be the living room, and turned on a single light that had a dimmer attached. Even at the lowest setting, I had no trouble seeing JJ’s face as he settled into the single oversized chair in the room.

“I’ll get us something to drink,” I said clumsily. “I’ve got beer or water.”

“Water’s fine,” JJ called because I was already heading out of the room. Although the houseboat was larger than most in the harbor, it suddenly felt like the smallest. I fiddled with the bottle of JJ’s water and my own bottle of beer. My hands were still shaking, just like they’d been in the bathroom as well as the car ride. My befuddled brain somehow remembered to grab one of the many burner phones from a drawer before returning to the living room.

“Here,” I said with as much disinterest as I could muster as I handed JJ the water and the phone. “It’s a burner,” I explained. He nodded in understanding. Even if he hadn’t been a cop, Sully would have made damn sure that his little brother knew what a throwaway phone was and what it was used for.

“Call your brother,” I said. “He’s got to be going out of his mind by now.”

I used the moment to return to the kitchen so I could swallow several slugs of the beer before I began rummaging around for some snacks. The cupboards were bare and there was only a half-eaten carton of Chinese food in the fridge.

There was plenty of beer, though.

I grabbed a second longneck bottle as I finished off the first one. I nearly choked when I heard a voice behind me.

“Where do you want this?” JJ asked as he held out the burner phone. His eyes were on my beer instead of me.

Well, they were on both beers. I grabbed the phone from him and then turned my back so I wouldn’t have to see the disappointment in his eyes. I tossed the phone into a large bucket filled with water that already held at least a dozen other now dead burner phones. Since I’d missed the evolution of technology, I wasn’t sure what kind of resources JJ’s brother and his men had access to when it came to tracing the phones, so I’d been paying for them in cash and destroying them after a single use.

“I left my phone at my house,” JJ said as he settled onto one of the barstools that took up one side of the kitchen counter.

I nodded and took a long swallow of beer.

“When did you start drinking?” JJ asked. The question held no judgment, but I could tell he was surprised. He’d known from the time I’d been a teenager that I didn’t drink. I’d left that to my father, grandfather, and endless assortment of stepmothers, uncles, aunts, and cousins. I’d had the occasional beer here and there, but I’d always steered clear of the hard stuff. Even when I did have a beer, I rarely finished the bottle because I’d never wanted to lose control of myself to something that had the power to do so much damage.

“Does it matter?” I asked crisply. I wanted to laugh at the irony of it all. A single touch from the man sitting before me had more power over me than every last beer in the entire world.

Despite the space between JJ and me being considerably greater than it had been in that dingy public bathroom, he might as well have had his body pressed right up against mine. The knowledge that I finally had him alone, truly alone, was making all the blood rush south. Thankfully, the darkened interior of the boat made it easy to hide my predicament.

I was surprised when JJ suddenly jumped up so he could open a sliding door that let in the ocean breeze and the sound of waves that I’d come to love in the short time I’d been staying on the houseboat.

Just like the public bathroom, I hadn’t given the closed door any thought because I’d been too focused on JJ. It was the same now, but fortunately he didn’t know that.

Unfortunately, I did. His thoughtfulness put another dent in the concrete I’d been trying to encase my heart in ever since he had left the cabin.

“It doesn’t,” JJ said. It took me a second to realize he was responding to my question about whether or not it mattered if I was drinking. “I just thought⁠—”

“Things change, JJ,” I interrupted. “What did you need to say to me?” I continued, ignoring the startled look on his face. The last thing he needed to know was that he was only one of the reasons I’d taken up drinking in the last few days.

“Um, yeah, right,” JJ said softly as he looked down at the bottle of water in his hands. He kept fiddling with the edge of the label with one of his fingernails.

Every second he delayed in continuing was another second I spent in the bowels of hell. I wanted nothing more than to stride to him, take him in my arms and remind him how good we’d been together in that tiny old shower in a cabin that time had forgotten.

“Sully and I have been going through the case. Together,” JJ said awkwardly.

“So we drove two hours for you to tell me you and Sully are finally spending some quality time together?”

“No,” JJ said with a shake of his head. Based on the way he was holding himself, I suspected he was trying to hide his embarrassment… and the sting of pain my barb had caused.

God, what the fuck was wrong with me? I already knew what picking at JJ’s insecurities would do to him and here I was doing it all over again.

All to protect my heart.

If I didn’t allow myself to connect with JJ on either a physical or emotional level, he’d leave me be and I’d once again let my hand take care of my dick as I imagined how tight it would feel to be buried balls-deep inside of him.

“I guess what I really wanted to say was…” JJ began before pausing again.

I took a long drag on the beer in an effort to drown the self-pity that threatened to take control of my mouth so I could beg him not to leave me again. I finished the second beer and grabbed a third from the refrigerator. I opened it but didn’t take a drink from it like I really wanted to. I had to be able to drive JJ home whenever he was done with whatever the hell he was trying to accomplish.

The sudden and unexpected thought of JJ walking through the doorway of Tank’s after I dropped him off instantly made me regret having partaken of the first two beers. They might not have been the hard stuff that my father always indulged in, but they still took a little piece of my brain away from me, albeit a temporary one. They were supposed to have made all of this easier, but they’d only loosened my tongue so I could say things to JJ that I didn’t mean.

Especially about Tank’s.

During my surveillance of his house, I’d never once seen him leave it until tonight. What if my words, my behavior sent him there the second I dropped him off near his house? Would he find a way to return to the men who’d stolen so much from him?

“What? What did you want to say?” I said with pretend irritation as I tipped the beer and let the liquid touch my lips.

I fully expected JJ to clam up and then ask me to take him home, but instead, his sharp eyes settled on me. He didn’t respond to the question other than to climb off the barstool. Unfortunately, he didn’t turn around and walk away like I wanted. Instead, he came directly at me. By the time he stopped, there was less than a foot of space between us. I had my back against the counter, so I had no place to go. When I lifted the bottle of beer to take another pretend sip in hopes of erecting a barrier between us, JJ surprised me once again by simply plucking the bottle from my fingers and placing it on the counter.

“I want a tour,” he said easily.

“A tour of what?” I asked dumbly.

“Your home. Or your home away from home. Whatever you want to call it.” JJ waved his hand in dismissal. “I mean, this is the place you’ve been spending all your time since we last saw each other, right?”

The mere fact that JJ knew the answer to his own question pissed me off.

And turned me on.

He was purposefully turning the tables on me, but no way in hell was I going to let him get me back to the emotional wreck I’d been in that bathroom. He wanted me weak and vulnerable. For what purpose, I didn’t know. I didn’t care, either. I was too busy mentally punching myself for having fallen for his act. I thought about the burner phone. I hadn’t stayed in the room when he’d called his brother, so I had no idea what he’d said to Sully. Five minutes ago, I would have bet my life on knowing JJ wouldn’t betray me by giving up my location to anyone.

Now?

Well, now all bets were off.

JJ might have learned how to play mind games in the time since we’d first been forced back into each other’s worlds, but he was forgetting one very important detail.

I was an Ashby.

And no one knew how to manipulate the strings of a marionette better than an Ashby. I might not have been proud of learning the tactic just by watching my family do it, but JJ didn’t need to know that.

My facade just needed to last longer than his and then I’d be able to get him away from me. JJ might have some powerful weapons in his arsenal, but I had the most important one. Ironically, it was the only weapon he could use to bring me to my knees, but his own refusal to see it would be his downfall, and he’d walk away from it and me with no clue how close he’d come to breaking me for good.

His victory would only happen if he figured out I still loved him. Past, present, future JJ—it didn’t matter. I loved all of them and always would.

All I had to do was keep that one little fact from him and I’d be able to get him to the place where we’d both finally be safe.

Away from me.

CHAPTER 22

Jj

There was no mistaking the look in Cass’s eyes the second I’d turned the tables on him. I had him—my Cass—where I needed him. I hated the game we were about to engage in, but I needed him back in the state of mind he’d been experiencing in the bathroom when he’d made his heartbreaking admission. The last thing I wanted to do was put him through more pain, but if I didn’t take this one chance, there’d be no future for us.

I hadn’t planned on asking him to take me to his place, but seeing the defeat in Cass’s frame as he’d hung over that sink had torn me to shreds. I’d just wanted a chance to undo some of the hurt I’d inflicted both at the cabin and the park’s bathroom. Once again, the first thing I’d done when I’d jumped to the conclusion that he’d been mocking me for my extreme reaction to him not kissing me had been to escape. While I’d watched Cass’s behavior after his startling admission that he didn’t want to lose me for a third time, an ember of hope had begun to burn inside of me. What if there was a chance that he could feel something for the man I was rather than the one I’d been before a bullet had changed everything? The things I’d wanted to say—and there were a lot of them—were things he’d deserved to hear in any place other than a foul, dirty bathroom with the threat of my brother or his men showing up at any moment.

I knew Cass hadn’t intended to admit his inability to lose me for a third time, but ironically, they’d been the words I’d needed to hear to be sure of everything. There was still a landfill’s worth of shit between us that needed to be dealt with, but between his words and the vulnerability he’d tried to hide from me after I’d once again gone batshit crazy on him, I’d finally been able to solidify many of the emotions that had held me hostage for two long years.

Cass could have easily let me flee that bathroom thinking he’d rejected me because he’d finally accepted that I wasn’t his JJ or that my past behavior with strange men and reckless sex had disgusted him more than he’d been willing to admit.

Instead, he’d kept me there and taken all the internal rage and despair I’d thrown at him, both physically and verbally, until he’d had me in a place where I’d had no choice but to hear him.

To really hear him.

If I’d been a better man, I would have let him go at that point. I would have quietly stood and walked out of the bathroom as he’d gotten the paper towels wet, presumably so he could wash my face. But that single look he’d given me in the mirror’s reflection had told me everything I’d needed to know.

Cass still wanted me.

He’d seen me at my worst in every possible way and yet he still wanted me. Did he love me? The me that I was now? The me who still couldn’t remember the first time Cass had touched me when he’d returned home from his final deployment? The touch he’d wished had never happened?

I couldn’t answer those questions. As afraid as I was of the answers, they weren’t what I wanted now.

What I wanted was to put Cass first for a change.

The man had spent weeks putting my needs above his own. My physical well-being, safety, and emotional needs had been his only priority, but I hadn’t been strong enough to do the same for him.

I wasn’t sure I was strong enough now, but I wasn’t going down without a fight. I did have things I needed to say to him, but I also needed him to hear them and in the current state he was in, his ears and his mouth may as well have been stuffed full of cotton.

“A tour,” Cass said, his voice holding not even an ounce of the emotion he’d shown in the bathroom. If anything, he sounded like a hunter waiting to spring his trap on some unsuspecting creature who hadn’t seen it coming.

Except I knew what was coming.

Cass hadn’t been the only one watching and listening and learning during our encounters.

“Yeah, a tour. That’s not a problem, is it?” I asked innocently as I took another sip of my water. It was all I could do not to smile when Cass’s hard eyes flickered to my lips before following my Adam’s apple as I swallowed.

“No problem,” Cass said easily. He kept his back to me as we moved around the lower living space of the boat. Like the log cabin, the decor was outdated, and each room had a musty smell to it. Since he wasn’t turning on any lights as we moved about the boat, I could only see glimpses of each space from one of the many lampposts that lined the pier as well as the slip the houseboat was docked in.

“How long have you been staying here?” I asked. I wasn’t really listening to his explanation of each room because it was all a facade. Maybe one day he’d tell me more about the place in detail, but it wouldn’t be tonight.

“A while,” was all Cass said in response. He was several feet in front of me and seemed intent on keeping that amount of distance between us, no matter how tight the quarters became. It wasn’t until we headed back to the kitchen that I pretended to trip. I grabbed the back of his shirt in the process but instead of letting me fall, Cass spun and wrapped his big arm around my waist.

“You okay?” he asked worriedly.

This was my Cass.

“Yeah, sorry,” I said as I leaned into him and pretended to test my ankle. “I’m good.”

Cass’s eyes went from compassionate and worried to cold and angry within a matter of seconds.

God, I really didn’t want to have to play this game with him. It wasn’t who we were. Even if I couldn’t remember who we’d been, I knew deep in my heart that we hadn’t been this. We hadn’t used mind games on one another to get what we wanted.

I remained silent for the rest of the tour and used every opportunity that the external lights offered to study the way Cass carried himself. I remembered the walk we’d taken right before I’d had an episode with the pain in my head. He had been so sweet and gentle as he’d maneuvered me to the log and let me rest my head on his shoulder as he’d distracted me by admitting that I, even in my naive state of childhood innocence, had given him a different perspective on the world when we’d been younger.

“There you go,” Cass said as we reached the far end of the boat. “I’ll get my keys.”

I carefully grabbed his arm. I knew I was putting myself at risk of an involuntary physical response to the sudden contact, but Cass merely stopped. He was breathing heavily. I wanted to end the whole thing then and there, but the sweat on his brow and his struggles to control his breathing were proof that he wasn’t as immune to me as he wanted to be.

Just like I wasn’t immune to him.

“Isn’t there an upstairs?” I asked. “I didn’t see any bedrooms down here.”

I could feel Cass’s muscles bulge beneath my fingers.

He was pissed, alright. But he was a lot of other things too. Several long seconds passed and I was sure I had him. Then he turned to face me and immediately moved closer so our bodies were nearly touching. “How could I forget that?” he asked.

His husky voice made my cock, which had so far been behaving, immediately demand I concede. Thankfully, the head on my shoulders and not the one further south was still in control.

“Lead the way,” I sputtered. The glint of satisfaction in Cass’s eyes was what I needed to get back on track. I followed him to a spiral staircase that led up to one huge master bedroom. There wasn’t enough light to make out more than a few furnishings, but the massive bed was hard to miss. I jumped when Cass took my hand in his and began leading me toward the bed.

“There are a few bumpy spots,” he explained as he tightened his grip on me. I loved the feel of his callouses against my palm. Sparks of sensation spiraled up my arm and began to spread throughout my body. Their ultimate destination was all the same.

My balls.

My hard, tight balls that wanted to come out and play.

I willed myself to think of any disgusting image I could come up with to tamp down my lust, but it became irrelevant when we passed the bed and stepped into the bathroom. It was pitch dark and there was no way to know how big the room was or if it had any other entry points. God, had Cass’s cell been like this? Had he suffered in total darkness, or had he been tortured with nothing but artificial light?

“Cass, it’s okay,” I whispered as I tugged him backwards. My fear for him grew with every second that we stood there, me trying to pull him out of the room and him standing as still and unmovable as a statue.

My gut was telling me the room didn’t have any other way to get in or out of it, and since there was absolutely no light coming in from the dock lights like downstairs, I couldn’t be sure there was even a window. We’d been in the room for less than ten seconds and I was already feeling uncomfortable because I couldn’t make sense of which direction was which. I could feel the walls closing in on us.

No.

No fucking way was I putting Cass through the trauma of being confined all over again, mind games be damned.

I once again tried to pull Cass back the way I thought we’d come. He didn’t budge. God, was he already trapped in his own mind?

“I’m good, Cass. I don’t need to see it. It’s fine,” I said as evenly as I could. Why the hell had I started all of this? I was such a selfish prick.

A sudden burst of light blinded me and for a second, I thought I was having one of my episodes. Cass’s face was the first thing I saw when my eyes adjusted. He had a strange expression, but he turned his head away before I could figure out what it had been. “No one can see the lights on this level. All the curtains are blackout ones. I checked it myself from the dock when I first got here,” he responded curtly.

So that was why he’d been leaving all the lights off except one on the lower level. He hadn’t wanted anyone on neighboring houseboats to question why the long-empty houseboat had suddenly come alive again.

I tried to cover my heavy breathing and pounding heart by looking around the room. The bathroom was extremely outdated but larger than I would have guessed possible for a houseboat. There was a small curtain along the wall. I could only assume there was a porthole behind it.

Before I could anticipate the move, he was tugging me into the walk-in shower. My back ended up against the cold tile and Cass’s big body was holding me prisoner.

A very willing prisoner.

“Do you remember?” Cass murmured, his lips skimming my neck with the lightest of caresses. It was all I could do not to moan. He hadn’t turned the water on, but he may as well have because I could feel its heat. We were back in the cramped shower of the hidden cabin protected from the world by an endless wall of trees. I would have given anything to be back in the cabin with him for real. Back in that shower where it had been just us. Just Cass’s mouth moving over mine, our bodies tangled together, our eyes locked as we’d taken and given each other a kind of pleasure I’d never thought possible. Our bodies hadn’t truly been joined but it hadn’t mattered. For the first time in a very long time, I hadn’t felt empty and alone.

The problem with the current situation was that there was no emotion behind Cass’s voice or his touch. There was no denying that his lips teasing the skin on my neck felt amazing, but there was something missing in even that too.

The game.

Cass was still playing the game.

A heavy weight settled in my stomach.

“I’ll never forget that day,” I managed to get out, though I knew my voice made the words crack. Cass stopped toying with my neck, but he didn’t move. He still had my wrists pinned to the wall. “We made love,” I whispered. “We didn’t fuck, we didn’t just get each other off, we didn’t pretend…”

It seemed to take forever for Cass to pull his head back so he could look me in the eye. So many emotions were weighing me down like a boulder—a boulder that I’d been carrying around my entire life—that I had to turn my head to the side so I wouldn’t be forced to see the blankness of his gaze.

“We made love,” he responded softly.

I swallowed hard as I turned my head back to face him. Cass’s return—my Cass—lifted the boulder and just like that, it was gone. Tossed away as if it hadn’t weighed more than a pebble.

“I don’t want to do this anymore,” I croaked because everything that boulder had been holding down started to hit me all at once.

Cass’s expression hardened and then he was releasing me. Agony tore through me at the rejection until I played my words back in my head. He thought I’d been talking about not wanting to be with him in the intimate embrace.

As he began to step back, I grabbed him by the hips and dragged him forward until there was no room for daylight between us. “I don’t want the games, Cass. Never again,” I breathed against his achingly close lips. “I don’t want to pretend that this—this thing between us isn’t real anymore. I don’t want to look at you and feel ashamed of everything I’ve done while you’ve been gone from my life. I…”

My heart stalled as I realized what I was about to admit to. It wouldn’t be something I just blurted out by accident. It wouldn’t be a strategic move to win some stupid game. It would be real. The words would be real, and I wouldn’t be able to take them back. No amount of humiliation and degradation would allow me to slip into that peaceful, painless place in my mind if the words were thrown back in my face.

My life would no longer be the lie that had protected me for so long.

I forced myself to pull in a deep breath that did nothing to slow my racing heart or ease the cramps in my gut. I raised my eyes to meet Cass’s because at some point during my little speech, I’d dropped them.

Cass’s silence made the words get stuck in my throat. He didn’t encourage me to continue but he didn’t try to stop me, either. I could already feel that boulder sinking down on my shoulders again.

“I… I can’t live my life as a ghost, Cass. The wish you made tonight, the one where you said you never should have touched me—even if I could remember it and somehow undo it, the truth is that I’m so fucking selfish that a tiny part of me wouldn’t undo it because that would mean you wouldn’t be here with me right now.”

I closed my eyes as I said the last part because we both knew what it meant. That selfish piece of me, no matter how small it was, didn’t want to acknowledge that Cass had been forced to live in a cold, dark, ugly world where there was only suffering because he had touched me. That self-serving part only recognized that all those things that had happened to Cass—those unforgivable, terrible things—had brought him into my life now and not two years earlier.

A harsh sob escaped my throat before I could stop it. I angrily wiped the tears away because I didn’t have the right to shed them.

“I can’t be the man you may have started to fall in love with two years ago, but I can be the one who loves you now. Today. I can try to be⁠—”

That was all I got out before my breath was stolen as soft, demanding lips brushed over mine.

CHAPTER 23

Cass

JJ’s soft cry of surprise was the only thing that kept me from deepening the kiss. I could still hear every shaky word he’d spoken, every hard truth he’d admitted to. I’d lost count of the many times I’d wanted to interrupt him to set the record straight, but it had seemed like he’d been lancing a wound. We both had a lot of healing to do, but I didn’t care about that at the moment.

All I cared about were those few life-changing words he’d said. As broken as he’d been, he’d found the strength to tell me something that I’d given up on believing would ever happen.

And kissing him.

I cared a lot about that too.

JJ whimpered and wrapped his arms around my neck. The soft sound mixed with the desperate way he was clinging to me kept me from taking the kiss any further. His vulnerability was off the charts and there was no way in hell I was going to take advantage of that. I had too many things I needed him to understand before we went any further.

Since I had one hand at the back of his neck, I slid it into his hair and gently held him still so he’d be forced to focus on me and not the raging desire that was building inside of him.

The second I broke the kiss and put some space between us, JJ immediately tensed up.

“I’m sorry, this was a mistake,” he blurted. As expected, he tried to pull free of my grip.

“Cass, I need to go,” he said desperately as his need to escape kicked in. His already flushed skin deepened to an even darker shade of red and his body began to shake violently. “Cass⁠—”

I kissed JJ hard and this time I didn’t hold back. He stopped struggling and eagerly began to kiss me back. It took everything in me to break the kiss. JJ and I were both panting like we’d run a sprint. More importantly, though, he wasn’t trying to pull free of my hold.

“Cass—” he began, clearly confused.

I kissed him again, but more teasingly this time. It was only when he was as limp as a noodle in my arms that I said, “My turn to talk now, JJ. And if you interrupt me, no more kisses ever.”

The mock threat worked. My words were the same ones he’d used on me in the cabin to keep me quiet while he’d gotten me into the shower. Between the irony of our current location and the words, the fear disappeared from JJ’s eyes and he smiled.

I loved it when he smiled. He didn’t do it enough, though.

The mere thought of how many times I’d get to see that smile going forward had me leaning in to press a soft kiss to his lips.

“Starting now,” I murmured against his mouth before lifting my head. JJ’s eyes lit up as his smile grew.

“Okay, maybe not ever,” I amended when he licked a small part of his upper lip. The move could have been innocent but based on the fire in his eyes, I highly doubted it. My dick doubted it too. “Fine,” I relented. “Five minutes.” I wondered if I’d even be able to go that long without tasting him.

JJ lifted his free arm and made the motion to signify he was zipping his lips and throwing away the key. I couldn’t stop myself from running my thumb over his tantalizing mouth. “One minute,” I bit out before I cupped his cheek and stroked my thumb over his cheekbone. “You were right about the things you said in the cabin. About needing to let you go. About needing to mourn.”

Just like that, the smile was gone and JJ stiffened.

“New rule,” I quickly said before I kissed him hard. Hard, deep, and searching. Promising. When we both came up for air, I croaked, “Every time that beautiful mind of yours begins to doubt me or yourself, my mouth is going to bring you back to the spot it needs to be so you’ll hear my words.”

“That’s not much of a punishment,” JJ responded with a grin as his body relaxed.

“No, but this will be,” I said with a smile of my own just before I ran my hand along the hard-on he was sporting. A layer of denim kept his cock strangled behind the material.

“Oh God,” he whimpered as he tipped his head back. I gave him a couple more rubs before I pulled my hand back.

“No,” JJ cried out. He immediately tried to push his hips forward, but since I had my free hand wrapped around one of them, he couldn’t move the way he wanted.

I leaned forward and teased the shell of his ear with a soft kiss that ended in a gentle tug of my teeth. “I can keep this up all night, sweetheart,” I whispered before I ran my hand along his cock a single time.

Instead of answering me out loud, JJ nodded fiercely. His body was strung up with tension, but the good kind.

“Everyone says prison changes you and they’re absolutely right,” I began.

The lust disappeared from his eyes but was quickly replaced with such raw intensity that it actually made my next words catch in my throat. JJ wasn’t just going to listen to me, he was going to hear me. How long had it been since someone had done that for me? How many times had I wished for someone, anyone, to hear me?

I dropped my eyes for a moment as I tried to get control of myself. I’d planned for this to be a simple, dismissive narrative, but knowing I was being heard by the one person I’d been calling out to for so long hit me hard. I wasn’t about to tell a story. I was about to tell my story. I wasn’t about to tell it to anyone willing to listen. I was telling it to the one person in my life who made me feel whole. The one person who made it possible for me to step outside the prison cell I’d still mentally been living in.

I pulled in a deep breath and let it out before lifting my eyes to meet JJ’s. “That place fucked me up in ways I still don’t know how to describe. I’ll have to deal with all that shit someday, but not today. If and when I’m ready, it will be on my terms because I already know how fucking painful it’s going to be and I’m not strong enough to go there yet.”

JJ’s eyes shimmered with tears, but he valiantly held them back as he nodded.

“What got me through it was my ability to compartmentalize things. It’s gotten me through a lot of hard times,” I continued. As much as I didn’t want to delve into my past, I had to in order to make JJ understand how I felt about him.

“I was kept here in LA for the trial, so I was in county lockup. When I was convicted, they moved me to the federal prison in Colorado. That’s where things changed. Where I changed. When I’m in a better place in my head, I’ll tell you anything you want to know, okay?”

JJ nodded again.

“Right now, though, I’m going to tell you some things that will be hard for you to hear, but I swear to God, sweetheart, I’m not doing it to hurt you,” I explained.

He tensed but held himself straight. “Okay.”

“I never used to believe in that love at first sight bullshit, but the first time I saw you when I came home for good—I don’t know how to describe it,” I said as I held my hands open like they were supposed to somehow be holding the answers.

“I know what it feels like,” JJ said. Both of us had left behind the lighthearted game about kissing and remaining silent. “I don’t know if it was for the first time or second, but it doesn’t matter because it did happen. It was when I confronted you for the first time.”

I nodded. He was talking about the day I’d nearly hit him when he’d been standing in the middle of the road. Our confrontation had ended with not just one, but two passionate kisses.

JJ sent me a small, comforting smile that made it a little easier to get past whatever was lodged in my throat, trying to keep the words inside.

“While they were still holding me in jail for the trial, you were the only thing that kept me going. The fact that you’d survived blinded me to everything that was going on around me. I sat in that courtroom all day every day in the hopes that I’d catch a glimpse of you. Even though my lawyer had said you weren’t being called as a witness, I didn’t believe him. All I could focus on was seeing you walk into that courtroom and the first thing you’d do would be make eye contact with me. Then you’d smile and after that it would all be over, and I’d finally get to take you in my arms again.”

A few streaks of moisture slipped down JJ’s cheeks.

“You were my everything, JJ. When you didn’t come… when no one came, you were the hope I clung to night after night, day after day. When I finally accepted that you weren’t coming, you became the target of my hatred and rage. My fear, my loneliness; my need for vengeance, my need for forgiveness… I needed someone to focus on every minute of every day in that place to keep me from giving up. I did blame you for what happened to me.”

“I’m so sorry⁠—”

I kissed JJ softly. I could taste the saltiness of his tears.

“I needed someone to keep me alive in that place, JJ. You were the only one who could. Not because I wanted to live out some fantasy of getting revenge, but because I knew if I hung on long enough, I’d get to see you again, touch you. I put you into compartments in my head and I tapped into them whenever I needed to deal with some kind of emotion. I couldn’t let any of it out. Showing weakness in that kind of place is the moment you sign your own death certificate.”

I could tell my words were tearing JJ apart, but I knew if I didn’t keep going, neither of us would ever truly begin to heal.

“Please don’t cry, baby,” I begged as more and more tears fell from his eyes. I pulled him into my arms and held him tight as he pressed his head against my chest. I could feel his tears dampening my shirt and his body was shaking, but he hadn’t made a sound. I covered his head with my hand and just held him until he’d physically calmed enough for me to continue. I didn’t let him go, though. I needed to cling to him as badly as he did to me.

“I told you I compartmentalized everything… all those things I was feeling. The one thing I could never put in a little box and store away in some part of my brain was my love for you. That never wavered. I swear that to you on my life, sweetheart,” I said before pressing a kiss to the top of his head.

Relief flooded my body when I felt JJ nod against my chest.

“When we finally came face to face, I expected to feel only hatred, but it wasn’t there. That compartment was gone. All the bad shit I’d placed on you, that I’d needed to put on you because I knew you’d forgive me for it, was gone. I didn’t even know about your memory loss at that point. When I saw you standing there with your gun aimed at my chest, you didn’t look anything like the JJ I remembered, but it didn’t matter. I fell in love with you all over again. In that moment I knew you were mine. You. The guy threatening to shoot me, the man I kissed like there was no tomorrow, the man who kissed me back with more raw passion than anything I’d ever known. I didn’t give a damn that you were new to kissing. I loved every second of it.

“That was the moment I felt truly free. I finally believed in something again. I finally felt. I loved you that day, JJ. Not the JJ from the past. It was the same at the cabin. Everything we did, every time we touched, was real. What you’d been doing at places like Tank’s changed nothing about how I felt about you. I loved that JJ too.”

His fingers curled around the fabric of my shirt like he was trying to hold on for dear life. I lifted his chin so he’d be forced to look at me. “Isn’t that what love is, JJ? Real love? You get to have this person who takes your shitty moods, your defiant silence, your rage and anger. They share that with you just like they share your hopes, your dreams, the good days, the not so good ones. A lot of people talk about falling out of love with someone over time but look at all the ones who have been together fifty, sixty, seventy years. They fought, they struggled, they probably had to make sacrifices or give up on some hope or dream to stay together. But they never gave up on each other.”

I kissed JJ softly, once again tasting the saltiness of his tears on his lips. I pulled back only enough that we could see each other. “If I’d spent the last two years overseas fighting some war or completing some mission, I still would have loved you. I still would have dreamed of the moment I could be with you again. If you’d had a terrible accident that had made you forget me, I would have done everything in my power to get you back. That’s what love is. Never letting go, no matter what’s keeping you apart. You, James Joyce Ferguson, are the pieces of my soul that I didn’t even know were missing. Every single version of you, past, present, and future, will make my soul whole just like I hope I’ll be able to do for you someday. I can’t wait for that moment when we become one in every way, but I’m just as excited to experience every moment of that journey with you.”

This time when I kissed JJ, it was with everything I was. It was with every ounce of feeling I’d ever had for him. It was for all the things I’d never be able to find the words for to tell him. It was… everything.

I broke the kiss long enough to look JJ in his gorgeously different-colored eyes. “I’m so desperately and hopelessly in love with you, every part of you, that nothing and no one is ever going to change that. No one is going to take that from us ever again.”

CHAPTER 24

Jj

Please don’t let this be some fucked-up dream…

That was the first thing to pop into my mind as soon as Cass kissed me after his stunning declaration. I was struggling to breathe but not because he was stealing my breath with his soul-searching kisses. No, I had a whole other reason for not being able to draw enough oxygen into my deprived lungs.

He loves me.

Cass loves me.

Me… this version of me.

I thought for sure I’d fucked everything up with my clumsy words as I’d tried to admit out loud what I’d already known for weeks, especially after the stupid mind games I’d forced Cass into only minutes earlier. Turned out the old adage about the truth setting you free was a real thing. I couldn’t remember even one event in my younger days when I’d told the truth about any of the life-altering events that came with growing up. I’d hidden my sexuality from my father and brother, I’d never once spoken up about alternative career paths I’d wanted to pursue because I’d wanted my father to live his dream of being a police officer through me, and I’d hidden my childhood crush on Cass that had turned into something more as I’d grown into adulthood.

What other things had I missed out on simply because I’d been afraid to speak up for myself and the things I’d wanted?

“Hey,” Cass murmured against my ear as he teased it with his sinfully skilled mouth. I hadn’t even realized in my lust-hazed state that he had given me the precious moments I’d needed to get myself mentally on track. My body was responding in every way to his caresses, but my mind was so busy waffling between self-doubt and disbelief that I couldn’t focus on the pleasure he was bringing me.

In the past, I’d been able to turn my brain off with ease as guys had fucked me or shoved their dicks down my throat, and sexual arousal hadn’t even been an issue since I hadn’t been looking for orgasms. I’d wanted to feel nothing and that was what I’d accomplished, but with Cass, it was all different.

“Hey,” Cass repeated. “Talk to me, JJ,” he continued even as he pulled back enough that he could look me in the eye.

“I’m not ready,” I blurted.

Cass chuckled quietly before he kissed me with one soft, sweet, and very unexpected kiss.

“You’re not mad?” I asked cautiously.

Another featherlight caress brushed over my mouth.

“Mad?” Cass asked in surprise. He put enough space between us that he could focus on my face. “No,” he continued with a shake of his head before he caressed my cheek with his thumb. “I don’t put out on the first date.”

“What?” I nearly choked on the word. “You don’t… you don’t…on the first date?” I sputtered in disbelief.

Cass leaned back in, but he didn’t kiss me again. Instead, he braced himself by putting one arm against the tile wall next to my head. The fingers from his free hand began to toy with mine. After a few seconds, he began to run his fingers up and down my forearm, always reconnecting with my hand in between. Sparks danced beneath my skin.

There was nothing intentionally sexual about the move, but it had to have been the most erotic thing I’d ever felt.

“Don’t tell anyone that because I’ve got my bad-boy image to maintain,” Cass whispered as if we weren’t alone.

It was all I could do not to laugh at his feigned seriousness. Of course, with him still running his calloused fingers up and down my arm, I wasn’t sure if I could even speak.

“I didn’t really know much about dating until I met this incredible young man a couple of years ago. Don’t get me wrong, he was drop-dead gorgeous, but when we went out the first time, it wasn’t his body that I couldn’t get enough of.”

Jealousy immediately sparked to life inside of me. I almost didn’t recognize the sensation since I’d never cared about anyone enough to want to keep them all to myself. “What couldn’t you get enough of?” I forced myself to ask even though I didn’t really want to know the answer.

“I guess it started with how sweet and shy he was. See, he had the kind of job where he had to be confident and smart. It was a physically demanding job but also required him to be able to communicate with all kinds of people, to empathize with them. He only used force when it was absolutely necessary,” Cass said with an easy smile.

He was talking about me… or rather, the me I’d been two years ago. The ugly green monster inside of me relaxed, though it didn’t disappear entirely. I was still envious of that JJ.

“I couldn’t get enough of him—and by that, I mean I could have spent the rest of my life just listening to him talk. Didn’t matter about what. He seemed to like listening to me too. That was new for me,” Cass said softly. He held my gaze for a long time while continuing to run his fingers up and down my arm.

“What happened to him?” I asked. Cass’s fingers chose that exact moment to brush along mine and without even thinking about it, I twined my fingers with his.

“We were forced to spend some time apart but when I saw him again, he was different.”

My stomach fell out and I tried to release his hand, but he refused to let go of my fingers. “Cass,” I whispered because I didn’t want to hear any more. I already hated the person who’d shot me, but the fury inside of me was different now. Not only had the fucker nearly taken my life, but he’d also stolen precious memories I could never get back. Cass’s description of our first date should have been one of those memories; one that I would have treasured for the rest of my life no matter how the relationship would’ve turned out.

“He’s stronger now,” Cass continued. “All the shit he’s been put through… I don’t know how he survived it, but I thank God every day that he did. He’s not as trusting as he used to be, but I think that someday he’ll be ready to give that privilege to someone he really cares about. He’s stubborn too—even more so than when he was a kid. He’s still as smart as a whip even though I don’t think he knows that. He knows now what it means to protect the people you love because he understands how quickly life can be stolen away, so he’s very protective of them. Anyway, he met this guy who’d become cruel and cold and pretty much hated the world. The guy would have probably stayed that way if not for the young man. That young man was so strong that he protected the guy and then, by some miracle, he fell in love with him. The cold, cruel guy couldn’t believe it, but it was true. It’ll probably take him a while to truly accept that he’s worthy of that love, but it will get easier every day when that young man continues to prove that his love is unconditional.”

I had no idea what to say. Did Cass really see me as all those things? Strong, protective, smart?

“So,” Cass continued. “That’s why I don’t put out on the first date or even the second. I’ve had a lot of time to think about things, and my sexual encounters don’t take up even an ounce of space in my brain. I think about things like body language, conversation, nervous habits, smiles, frowns, tears, secret dreams, sacrifices—I learned that those things are so much more powerful than sex and they stay with you long after the encounter ends. This guy I recently met, he called it making love. Not sex, not fucking—making love. That’s what it will be if and when we’re both ready. I already love him but all those things that are just as powerful… those are the things I want first. I guess I’m just a hopeless romantic,” he finished on a long sigh as he dramatically put our joined hands over his heart and looked up as if he was gazing at the stars instead of a plain white ceiling.

“Weirdo,” I mocked with a light laugh. I still had my hand over his heart even though he’d released my fingers. I stared at the single place where Cass and I were physically connected. I could feel his heart pounding in his chest. It was proof that he was as scared as I was. “The guy… the one you used to know. He sounds pretty smart. I think you’re right, though. He’s changed a lot since you last saw him, but I think he’s trying to learn how to be who he once was and also accept all the good and bad things that exist in him now. Maybe someday he’ll feel like one man again.”

I lifted my eyes as I moved my hand so I could place it at the base of Cass’s neck and pull him forward. This time, I was the one doing the kissing. The soul-searching ones, the teasing ones, and all the other small but no less important ones in between. “When’s our first date, Cass?” I asked between kisses.

“Now,” he responded hungrily, but he didn’t attempt to take control of the kiss or go any further. “What do you want for dinner? I’ve got one can of chicken noodle and one can of minestrone. I might be able to scrounge up some candles⁠—”

“Not hungry,” I said as I deepened the kiss. Cass responded in equal measure. “Want to get to all the other stuff. That important stuff you learned how to do on your first date. That’s what I want. When does that start?”

“Right now, sweetheart,” Cass said after reluctantly ending our kiss. He took my hand in his and led me out of the bathroom, turning the lights off as we went. Once we reached the bedroom, he flicked on the lights and immediately dimmed them.

“This good?” he asked nervously as he led me to the edge of the bed.

I nodded. I didn’t hesitate in removing my shirt, then my jeans. Cass mirrored my moves. Despite his size and bulk, the man moved with such grace and fluidity that I got hung up on watching him step out of his jeans. Every muscle flexed beneath his skin as he moved. He was sporting a saliva-inducing erection beneath his snug briefs. I was in the same condition, but I didn’t care about my dick at the moment.

When Cass straightened, I tore my eyes from his groin and climbed into the bed. The sheets were cold but soft. The comforter seemed pretty new, but it already smelled like him.

“I just need to get a burner phone so you can tell your brother—” Cass began to say. He was in the process of turning away when I grabbed his wrist.

“I told Sully I wouldn’t be home tonight when I used the burner you gave me earlier. He knows I’m with you,” I said with a sheepish grin. “I didn’t tell him where we were or anything.”

Cass was already climbing into bed as I spoke, so I fell quiet. Nerves had me putting some distance between us.

“Probably best you enjoy my pretty face while I’ve still got it,” Cass said as he pulled the cover over both of us. “It’s going to be hamburger by the time your brother sees me.”

I chuckled and used my next words as an excuse to move closer to him. “I’ll protect you, my love,” I said with a smile, then added, “Sully’s just a big ole teddy bear.” Cass snorted in response and then he shifted closer until our bodies were touching. He didn’t make any kind of move to grab me. His body heat was calling out to me, so I took a risk and laid my head on his chest. Cass’s left arm immediately slipped under my body so he could hold on to my waist. His hold was snug, but he made no effort to put me in a different position.

He let me do that all on my own.

By the time I was done shimmying my body closer and closer to his, my upper body was draped over his chest. His skin was warm and soft but there was no denying the strength of each muscle. “Are you ticklish?” I asked without thought. “Sorry, that was stupid⁠—”

“I don’t know,” Cass responded without hesitation. “I don’t remember anyone ever tickling me before.”

“Not even your grandmother?”

There was enough light in the room that I could see Cass’s facial expression. It shifted a little, but I couldn’t figure out what emotion he was experiencing. “My grandmother wasn’t the most demonstrative of people. She hugged me a couple times but there was always something off about it. I mean, I didn’t really have anything to compare it to when I was a little kid but when your dad would hug me, it was always like a bear hug, even later in life when his body was frailer. I was taller and heavier than him, yet I still felt safe when he hugged me. Like I didn’t need to think about how long I was allowed to embrace him for or if anyone was watching.”

“Have you seen her since—” I stopped abruptly when I realized what I’d been about to say. Reminding Cass of the hell he’d been through in the past two years wasn’t really first date conversation material.

“Yeah. I went to see her earlier this week.”

Cass fell silent. I could feel the tension in his body. His muscles had stiffened and the fingers he’d been running along my spine came to a stop. “I’m sorry, Cass. We don’t need to talk about any of this.”

He shook his head. “No, it’s okay. Believe me, I’ve been wanting to talk to someone about it. No, not someone. You. I wanted to talk to you about it.”

I couldn’t help but press a soft kiss against the skin that covered his pounding heart. Cass began running his fingers down my back again. I wasn’t even sure if he knew he was doing it.

“I think she’s sick,” Cass began. “Some kind of dementia or something. She was so different than I remember her,” he added on a soft whisper.

Despite the very different childhood he’d had compared to mine and Sully’s, it was clear Cass loved his grandmother.

“How so?” I gently prodded.

Cass shook his head briefly. I couldn’t see it, but I felt his chin brushing the top of my head. I shifted my body enough to watch his expressions as he spoke.

“Despite her age and standing in the family, Mother Ashby was always put together. Neat, polished, refined, elegant… she represented a kind of class that no one else in my family seemed to have inherited. Even when I was a little kid, she made sure I represented the family in the same way. She’d always say stuff about me being super important one day. That I’d show the world how powerful the Ashbys really were. I never understood what she meant by that. She’d also tell me I’d take over the Ashby empire when I was old enough. She never mentioned my father, even though he would have still been young enough to keep running the company. It seemed like… it seemed like she had something more planned for me.”

As Cass fell silent again, I thought back to when I’d met him for the first time. I’d never met Chandler Ashby III before or his mother—Cass’s grandmother—but I’d seen stuff about Cass’s father in the news and there had been one incident when a criminal case Chandler Ashby had been involved in had made it to my desk, but I hadn’t even gotten through the first page of the case report before it had been whisked away by my superior.

If Cass’s father had stepped out of line somehow, especially criminally, the press would have jumped on the story. The Ashbys were always involved in some kind of scandal, but it had all been tabloid fodder more than anything. Not one member of the family had ever been charged with anything despite being arrested for DUIs and possession of drugs. The Ashbys had greased a lot of palms when it came to the cops and the petty crimes various Ashbys were always caught up in.

Until Cass. For some reason, there’d been no palm greasing for him. Granted, the crime he’d been accused of had been impossible for the Ashby patriarch, Cass’s own father, to get him off completely, but why hadn’t they provided him with a top-notch lawyer like Asa Hutch?

“Did she shield you from what your family was really like?” I asked. I immediately wanted to take the words back for fear that they’d make Cass angry, but I held my tongue. If I wanted to be his equal partner in whatever kind of relationship we were trying to forge, I needed to be brave enough to speak my mind.

“For the most part, yes. I was homeschooled until I was a freshman in high school. I knew my grandmother had been trying to protect me, but when I got a taste of that freedom, I couldn’t get enough. All the kids treated me like I was some kind of god. So many guys flocked to me, and I pretty much became the captain of the football and basketball teams without even needing to try. A lot of the girls made it clear that they were available for extracurricular activities.

“It wasn’t until I tried to have sex with my first girlfriend that I knew something was wrong. I couldn’t go through with it. She bought my excuse about having pulled a muscle in my last game. I was terrified that the fact that I hadn’t fucked the girl would get back to the guys I hung out with, and they’d start joking about me being a fag and all that bullshit. But no one ever said a word and thankfully, none of it got back to my grandmother. I was on some weird pedestal, and the kids kept me there for some reason.”

“And then one day you showed up skidding into the parking lot of a tiny, shitty park and met a big, cocky asshole just like yourself and that was it,” I said.

Cass looked at me and smiled. “That was it. That car was one of my dad’s favorites. I’d already gotten my own brand-new Porsche, but I decided it would be more fun to take my dad’s Aston Martin for a joyride, even though I didn’t have a license. Looking back, it wasn’t just a stupid act of teenage rebellion. I wanted something to happen once I was caught. I wanted to get arrested or have my dad tear me a new one… anything that would force Chandler Ashby to acknowledge I was his son. I was gone for hours while I played football with you and Sully, so it was dark by the time I got home. No one said a thing. Not about me stealing the car and not about me being gone the entire day without checking in even once.”

“Did your grandmother or father ever find out about us?” I asked. Cass hadn’t spoken much about his family when he’d been around our small, blue-collar family.

“No. My father was married to wife number three by then, and they spent a lot of time traveling overseas. They’d left behind my half-sister, Allison, when she was around fourteen, I think. Allison was the daughter of my father’s second wife. When they divorced, he ended up gaining full custody of Allison, which made no sense because he didn’t really want her.”

“Did your grandmother raise her too?”

“No,” Cass said with a shake of his head. “I honestly don’t know who took care of her. I just knew it wasn’t her mother because she’d been out of the picture since she’d lost custody. Allison died when she was nineteen… drug overdose. I came back for the funeral but none of the Ashbys attended. Not a single one besides me. My father and his third wife were too busy vacationing in Tahiti or something to be bothered with something like watching his only daughter being laid to rest.”

“So it was just you there?”

Cass shook his head again. “Her mother was there. She’d divorced my father when I was five, so I never really knew her. When I introduced myself, she slapped me and told me that my family had killed her daughter. When I told her that Allison had been my sister, her mother apologized right away and then just fell apart. No one else attended the funeral, not even any friends, so her mother and I listened to the priest and watched her casket being lowered into the ground. After that, we just sat there on a bench near Allison’s grave and watched the workers cover the hole with dirt. The last thing Allison’s mother said to me was that I was lucky I’d made it out and warned me not to go back… to never let them suck me back into their world. Then she was gone, and I never saw her again.”

“She was warning you not to go home,” I said in understanding. “Have you spoken to your dad at all?”

I’d been bracing my head on my bent arm so I could see Cass’s face as he spoke. My heart did a little jump when he turned onto his side so he was facing me. The move allowed me to see him without needing to hold my head up. I lowered it back down to the pillow. As much as I would have liked to scoot closer to him, I knew if I did, it would make it that much harder to control the needs of our bodies.

“Not really. I didn’t even know he was my father until I was four and one of the maids who’d been cleaning me up after I’d snuck into the kitchen to scarf down some chocolate cake pointed him out and told me he was my daddy. Whenever I tried to talk to him, he’d say he had an important phone call to make or that he was late for a meeting.

“My grandmother used to have these monthly family dinners, but they were a sham. My father and grandfather never attended, so Mother Ashby was in charge. No one ever said a word, so I figured that’s what family dinners were. After I met you guys, I knew their silence hadn’t been out of respect for my grandmother. They’d feared her. The little kids would usually be excused right after dessert, so my cousins and I would play games in the house. One of my cousins once told me my grandmother was grounding our parents.”

“So she was the head of the family when your father and grandfather weren’t there,” I suggested.

“Yes and no. After the kids were sent out of the room, the dinner turned into an interrogation. She wanted to know what stupid shit each family member had done that could potentially stain the Ashby name. Then she’d fix it. I wasn’t sure how, but I’d outright seen my cousins and other family members engage in criminal acts like DUIs and drug possession, but nothing ever happened to them. No charges, no jail time. Just fodder for the tabloids.

“Before my grandfather died, I spent a lot of time with him, and I’d begun to think of him as my dad. I didn’t know my grandfather wore a mask like everyone in the family, so it was harder to accept the stuff Mother Ashby told me after his death. I couldn’t really make sense of it because he seemed different than everyone else. We spent nearly every weekend at the cabin…”

“The one you took me to,” I offered.

Cass nodded. I’d already heard the tone of his voice shift. He’d seemed disassociated when he’d talked about his father, but the mention of his grandfather held more emotion.

“Grandad taught me all about the forest and how to use the sun to tell what time of day it was. I learned about the different landmarks that would always lead me back to the cabin if I got lost, how to make a fire, and even trap a small animal if I needed to eat. Thank God I never had to do that,” Cass said with a chuckle. His smile quickly disappeared, leaving only sadness behind. “Those were some of the best times in my life,” he murmured.

I couldn’t help but shift closer to him and cup his cheek. He pressed into my hand for several long beats before straightening then coldly said, “Turned out it was all just another Ashby lie.”

“What—?” was all I got out before Cass continued on his own.

“After my grandfather died, my grandmother told me the truth about him and my father. They were both experts at coming off as good, fair-minded men, but they’d treated her like shit. Berating her, telling her to remember her place in the family, not letting her pursue any of her own dreams. She was expected to represent the perfect wife and mother of a family whose name was plastered on buildings all over the world. She’d become a prisoner within her own life. My grandfather and father had treated her like she was nothing but an employee. Actually, they treated her worse than their employees.”

Cass paused and took in a few deep breaths. It was clear that he loved his grandmother and was blaming himself for not having been able to protect her from her own husband and son.

“Mother Ashby said Grandad would go after her mostly at night when he got home from work or wherever the hell he’d been. They had separate bedrooms but no matter what time it was, he walked right into her bedroom and started screaming at her, even when she was already asleep. He pointed out every mistake or flaw in her behavior and appearance. My dad did the same thing when it was his turn to take over the Ashby empire. Both men cheated on their wives and ignored their children. The kids born outside of those marriages were ignored and their mothers were usually given a small amount of cash to disappear and start a new life. They had to sign a nondisclosure agreement to get the money. There were rumors that some of… some of the relationships weren’t consensual.”

I swallowed hard at Cass’s last words. They chilled me to the bone. If the rumors were true, his father and grandfather had committed felonies that came along with lengthy prison sentences. What if the police report involving Cass’s father had been related to nonconsensual sex? It would make sense that I’d been relieved of the file within minutes of it landing on my desk.

“Your grandmother protected you from all of it,” I offered after I managed to collect myself from the chilling idea that I had in fact been the target of the shooting merely because I’d seen only a few lines of a report. I mentally shook my head because it made no sense. If I’d been the target, then why shoot me in the presence of an Ashby?

“Yeah,” Cass murmured. “I was so fucking naive. All those things she’d been teaching me about manners and appearance had been to prepare me for when I was in the hot seat. Even though I was next in line to take over the business, my father was going to make sure I knew my place, just like his father had taught him.”

I reached out to stroke Cass’s cheek as we continued to face each other. When he seemed a little more relaxed, I returned to my original question. “You said she seemed sick when you last saw her?”

Cass nodded. “She was wearing a nightgown that she never would have been caught dead in during daylight hours, much less around the house for all the staff to see. Her hair was loosely braided and messy, and she was covered in dirt because she’d been working in the garden. Renly, that’s her personal butler, had told her of my arrival but when she saw me, she’d forgotten that Renly had told her I was there. She… she hugged me. Mother Ashby… um, my grandmother, she never hugged anyone, even me. Not real hugs, anyway. Even when I was really little and tried to hug her, she told me that hugging wasn’t proper because it was a sign of weakness. But that day, she hugged me, and she was crying because she was so happy to see me.” He paused for a moment.

“I’ve never seen her cry before,” Cass mused. He shook his head as if to clear his thoughts. “Anyway, when I talked to her, I realized she’d changed mentally. She still recognized me, but she thought I was home because I’d finished my last tour.”

“Wait,” I interjected. “Are you saying she didn’t know you’d been in prison?” I asked in disbelief.

“Yeah, I guess I am,” Cass said as if he were hearing the words being spoken aloud for the first time. “Some kind of dementia. That was what Renly told me. She’s been sick for several years.”

“So that’s why she didn’t come to your trial or try and bail you out.” I was in complete shock, but my heart hurt for Cass. He’d spent two years believing the person who’d raised him, the woman who’d loved him as if he’d been her own child, hadn’t come to help him because she’d chosen not to.

“Renly told me that as soon as my father found out she was sick, he ordered her staff to keep her in her wing of the house and to not let anyone from the outside or even the family to see her. She’s been locked away for four years,” Cass explained. I could hear the despair and guilt in both his words and the way he held his body. I knew what he was going to say next, but it wouldn’t matter if I tried to stop him from speaking the words because they’d fall on deaf ears. He was never going to forgive himself.

“If I’d only come home as soon as I was discharged,” he said. “I’d been planning to, but I wanted to see your family first. Then you and I started…” Cass let his words fall off and dropped his eyes.

I didn’t encourage him to continue, nor did I tell him to stop. He had to make the decision for himself whether he wanted to confront his guilt or compartmentalize it like he’d done with so many of his other emotions. When it came time for him to start opening those boxes, I’d be there every step of the way. I hadn’t compartmentalized my own emotions; I’d chosen to outrun them, to attempt to numb myself from them. It seemed neither approach had done either of us any good.

I dropped my arm so I could join our hands. Cass instantly opened his fingers so I could link them with mine.

“If I’d just gone to see her, I could have done something. I could have stopped my father from leaving her trapped in her lonely little world with only a garden full of roses to keep her company.”

“Cass,” I breathed softly. “I know you don’t want to hear the words, but I want you to try and hear them a different way, okay? I know that doesn’t make sense but just listen, okay?”

Cass automatically nodded, though I wasn’t sure if he was really paying attention or if he was still caught up in thoughts of how he believed he’d failed his grandmother.

“After I left the cabin, Sully found me, and we had a long talk. He didn’t want to tell me the truth about the shooting, but he knew he couldn’t keep it from me anymore. As he was telling me about… about that night, I realized what he was saying didn’t make sense. When I did put together the pieces and understood I was the shooter’s original target and the other shootings were just a cover to throw off the police, I wanted to die then and there.”

Cass jerked his eyes back to mine. “What?” he asked, his voice heavy and angry. “You weren’t responsible for what happened that night. You didn’t kill those three people. There was no way you could have known—” He stopped abruptly when he said the words. The same words I wanted him to hear, but for the guilt he carried. He was silent for a long time before he murmured, “I guess that’s something you can never really get rid of, no matter how many times someone tells you it’s okay to let it go.”

“No, you can’t,” I agreed. “Have you confronted your father about his treatment of your grandmother?”

He shook his head. “I can’t walk into his office making accusations without proof to back them up. Renly told me my father has power of attorney, so he controls everything that happens to my grandmother. He’s in charge of her money, the staff, her health… all of it. Renly was there when my grandmother signed her rights away. She wasn’t competent enough to know what she was signing, but Renly couldn’t intervene because he was afraid if he did, he’d be fired, and my grandmother would be placed in a nursing home. Renly has been working for my grandparents since he was in his late twenties, so he’s always been loyal to them, especially my grandmother. For some reason, my grandfather didn’t leave a will behind and none of the family’s lawyers admitted to drawing one up for him, but Renly swears he saw my grandfather meeting with an estate attorney. Unfortunately, he can’t remember the attorney’s name,” Cass scoffed.

I released his hand but only so I could run my fingers over the tops of his and along his palm in the hopes of soothing him. Cass had done something similar in the shower when I’d started to panic. He wasn’t panicking, but I could feel him withdrawing from both the conversation and me. He kept our hands joined but shifted onto his back so he could stare at the ceiling.

“Cass,” I began awkwardly because I really didn’t want to ask my next question, but I knew it had to be addressed. “Your father, do you think…” My words got caught in my throat. He was in a vulnerable state and any further talk of his family could wait.

It didn’t matter because Cass was the one to finish my question by saying, “Do I think he’s the one who had you shot and me framed for the murders?”

CHAPTER 25

Cass

JJ didn’t respond to my question though I wasn’t really expecting him to. It was the elephant in the room, after all.

I shifted so I was once again facing him. “Not exactly first date discussion material, is it?”

JJ smiled. “Maybe not, but we always have the awkward goodnight kiss to think about,” he answered.

I couldn’t help but smile back. This was why I’d needed JJ to be the one to talk to about everything going on with my family. Although I’d intended to wait to deal with all the questions and theories spinning in my mind, the truth was I’d needed to work through it with him. Not because he’d been the only surviving victim but because I needed him to determine if I’d overlooked anything. I hadn’t realized that I’d also needed him at my side to remind me that coping with crippling guilt wasn’t going to go away because someone urged you to forgive yourself. But JJ understood. He got it.

“Yes, I think he could have been behind it all,” I admitted. “I just can’t figure out the motive.”

JJ was quiet for a handful of seconds. “Renly told you your grandmother got sick four years ago, right? You would have still been deployed but your superiors would have been able to get word to you about her at some point, wouldn’t they?”

“Yeah, but it could have taken time. If my father saw me as a threat to his plan to control everything that belonged to my grandmother, which was the entire family fortune as well as the controlling stake and seat on the board for Ashby Capital Group, he’d have had a reason for moving quickly.”

JJ looked skeptical. “If she was truly incompetent, he would have had no trouble proving that in court before you got back.”

“No, but there was still my grandfather’s missing will. It’s possible my father knew something was in there that made sure he got nothing. He and my grandfather had the same kind of relationship I had with my father. My grandfather treated me better than he did my father. If my grandmother knew what was in the will, it could have been the only thing protecting her and me all this time. If my father was certain she knew where it was, he might have been biding his time that in the hopes that, in her altered mental state, she’d reveal its location. If I’d been there, though, I could have sued for power of attorney and, given my relationship with her, I would have won. If that happened…”

“He would have lost not only his control over her but any chance at finding the will himself and destroying it. He would have lost everything,” JJ said before he hummed in thought. “Sully said the shooter was behind you. If that was true, then why not just shoot both of us? Why leave you alive?”

I shrugged because that was the part I was stuck on. Even if I’d been granted custody of my grandmother and her vast fortune and holdings, I would have only wanted enough money to adequately take care of her. I’d rejected my family’s wealth from the time I’d met Sully, JJ, and their father when I’d been fifteen. And killing me would have done exactly what my father likely wanted—to prevent me from getting control of everything with the Ashby name on it.

“Because he’s vindictive enough that he’d rather see me rotting in a prison cell for the rest of my life. The second they put me behind bars, I had no way of reaching out to my grandmother. The trust fund my grandmother had set aside for me was completely and mysteriously drained, so I had no way of hiring a competent attorney. If I had managed to get a lawyer like Asa Hutch on my side, my father still could have greased so many palms that four guilty verdicts would have been a guarantee.”

“That was when you thought I’d come to your rescue,” JJ murmured. “First when they put you behind bars and then afterwards at the trial.”

I turned over only to find him staring at the ceiling. I sighed and pulled his body against mine. “You’re right, it’s not so easy to let go of the guilt no matter how many people tell you to. I hope there comes a day when the forgiveness begins and every time it grows stronger, the guilt gets weaker.”

JJ nodded. He didn’t resist when I pulled him into my side until our bodies were touching from shoulders to toes. When I urged him to turn so we were facing each other, he did it without hesitation. I couldn’t resist brushing my lips over his cheek. As much as I would have liked to taste his sweet mouth again, I didn’t want to just sweep everything we’d fought so hard to achieve under the carpet and replace it with mind-numbing sex.

“So, JJ, tell me something about yourself that no one else knows,” I said with a grin.

It took a while before the tension left his expression and was replaced with the lightness I’d been longing to see.

“Haven’t I already told you two of those?” he asked lightly.

“Two? No,” I said with a shake of my head. “You told me about checking out books hoping you could find out more information about my Mustang because you were hero-worshipping me then and crushing hard on me now.”

JJ gave me a little shove. “I never said I had a crush on you now.”

I couldn’t help but cover his mouth with mine. He moaned into my mouth a split second before he began returning the kiss. His strong fingers wrapped around the back of my neck, and I loved it. It was a show of control that I would never would have allowed anyone to wield over me, except for the man in my arms. I trusted JJ so deeply that I knew without a doubt that he’d never hurt me. He’d never degrade or humiliate me. He’d never attempt to make me break until I was no longer myself.

I was forced to end the kiss when it began to toe over the line into the no coming back from zone. JJ and I were both breathing hard, but I remembered his last declaration before I’d kissed him. “So you’re not crushing on me now?”

“Asshole,” JJ grumbled. I suspected he was struggling with thwarted desire. My own body was demanding that I finish what I’d started, but one look at his tired face told me our first date needed to come to an end soon.

“That wasn’t our goodnight kiss,” I reminded him.

“Of course it wasn’t,” JJ responded. “Everyone knows the first date kiss doesn’t include tongue.”

I highly doubted that statement because no way was JJ getting away from me until I had another taste of him. A slow, long, deep taste that would have to hold me until the next one.

“Now, I believe I was saying I already told you two secrets about myself. The crush thing—from the past—and why I changed my name to JJ,” he declared.

The mere fact that he was allowing himself to refer to our true first date lifted a heavy weight from my mind. JJ might never remember the events of those few nights we’d had but was accepting them. That meant more to me than the actual memory of the night when he’d told me the story about his name for the first time.

“So it’s your turn,” JJ said. “I know about the butterflies so I’m just going to store that little tidbit away for the future,” he continued in a terrible imitation of a sinister voice that had me laughing so hard that he slapped my stomach. I probably would have continued laughing except he kept his hand where it was. That meant my aching cock was just inches from his fingers.

“Um,” was all I managed to get out because JJ decided it would be a good time to slide his hand up and down my abdomen, getting achingly close to the head of my cock that was just above of the waistband of my briefs and dripping pre-cum.

“Cass,” JJ prodded, his voice completely calm and even.

“Right, a secret,” I groaned as my dick grew painfully hard. Somehow, I managed to admit my second secret. “The first time I jerked myself off was while watching a certain lifeguard show with hot guys running around in red shorts and black Speedos.”

Thankfully, JJ’s hand disappeared from my abdomen, but only so he could try to stifle his laughter by turning his head away and pressing his mouth against his forearm. “How old were you?” he managed to choke out.

“Twelve,” I responded. “It was the last season, though. I actually cried because I didn’t have any way to get to the store to buy the first season on DVD. And it wasn’t like I could ask my grandmother to get them for me. There were so many seasons, it would have taken up most of my allowance and I would have had to find someplace to hide a gazillion DVDs that were more tits and ass than any kind of actual plot. Oh, and the abs. Can’t forget the abs on all those guys,” I said in what I could only admit was a dreamy way.

JJ’s attempt at stifling his mirth was a complete and total failure. I didn’t give a whit that he was laughing at me. The sound of it brought me a kind of joy I hadn’t felt since my final date with him before he was shot. “How long did it take you to find out it was in syndication before it even ended and there were like twenty channels running it every day?” JJ asked as the laughter subsided. His smile stayed, though.

I opened my mouth to answer his question but stopped when I played his words back in my head. “How did you know it was already in syndication before it ended, huh JJ?”

His cheek, neck, and upper chest began to turn red. He wetted his lips with his tongue, though I doubted he’d even realized he’d done it. My body sure as hell had noticed.

“I… might have… seen… an episode,” JJ sputtered. “Or two,” he added as he tried to contain his laughter. I wanted to tell him the sound was music to my ears, but I held my tongue. When he calmed down enough to speak, his eyes linked with mine and he pouted like a pro before saying, “I’m sorry. Come here, my gorgeous hunk of man. Let JJ make it all better.” He opened his arms wide.

I knew something was up but happily took the bait. The second I had my arms wrapped around him, I felt fingers skittering along my sides and under my arms. My body jerked and immediately sought to escape the annoying sensation. When I rolled onto my back, JJ followed until he was straddling me. “Look, you are ticklish!”

JJ kept up the torture for several more seconds before he gave me a break. “Another thing I now know about you that no one else does,” he said triumphantly.

We were both panting from the skirmish, but we were also very aware of our positions.

Very.

His ass was lightly brushing my already painfully hard cock as he continued to straddle me. At some point I’d put my hands on JJ’s hips and his hands were covering mine. We remained locked in that position as we stared at each other. I could both see and feel his erection as it strained the material of his briefs.

“Cass?” JJ whispered.

“Yeah?” I grated out because he had settled more of his weight on me, and he was beginning to rock his hips back and forth.

JJ closed his eyes. He took one of my hands from his hips and began sliding it across his abdomen, chest, and throat. His skin was exquisite. He had next to no hair on his chest, but there was no missing the treasure trail that began at his belly button and traveled straight down until the waistband of his briefs hid the rest of it from me. I wondered what it would feel like to press my nose against the wiry hair at his groin when he pushed his thick dick into my mouth and down my throat.

JJ’s rocking intensified and I couldn’t stop the moan of pleasure that escaped my lips.

“What… what happens on the second date?” JJ bit out before he opened his eyes and lowered them so he could look at mine. I was certain the lust I saw there mirrored my own.

“Whatever we want,” I managed to say. It wasn’t the response I should have given him, but it was what I’d wanted to say. We’d both agreed to limit the evening’s sexual activity to a kiss, but I doubted either of us cared about that anymore.

JJ stopped the rocking motion. I nearly ordered him to keep going. Well, maybe not order, but there was definitely going to be some begging. He bent at the waist until his upper body was just above mine. He braced his hands on each side of my head and held my gaze. “What do you want, Cass?” he asked softly.

I reached my hands up to cup his face and kissed him hard. “You,” I breathed against his mouth. “All I’ll ever want is you.”

I was rewarded with a deep, hungry kiss. It got even better when he settled his ass back on my groin and began rocking back and forth again. There was no rhythm in it, so I knew JJ was playing with me. Every time he ground his ass against my dick and pumped his hips several times in a row, my need for release would grow. When I was close to the top and needed only one more slide of his firm globes over my weeping dick, he’d stop and pause long enough for the coil inside of me to loosen just enough to keep me near the edge.

“Cass,” JJ called softly. I hadn’t even realized I’d closed my eyes until he spoke my name. His face was just inches from mine. I tried to reach up to capture his lips but at some point, he had pinned my arms to the bed and was holding my wrists in his hands. I could have easily broken his hold, and he would have let me go if I’d asked him, but I had no interest in escaping. There was no fear either. I might have technically been trapped but there was no instinct to escape the sensual prison JJ was creating around me.

Us.

Around us.

“Yeah?” I somehow managed to say.

“I want you inside me,” he said, his voice husky and needy. I opened my mouth to respond in kind, but he silenced me with a searing kiss. “I want you inside me so much, but we need to talk about some… stuff.” The word caused my JJ to disappear in a cloud of smoke, only to be replaced by insecure JJ.

I knew what he meant by “stuff,” but I didn’t let that stop me from saying, “I want that too.”

“I can stop now⁠—”

“If you leave me in this state, I can guarantee I’m going to drag you into that shower, pin your hands above your head, and jerk myself off while you watch. I might even shoot my load on certain parts of you”—I pointedly looked down at his cock—“but you won’t feel it because the water will wash it away before⁠—”

JJ silenced me with a hard kiss. He sat up again and began slowly rocking back and forth over my dick. The friction had me seeing stars. I had my eyes closed again, so I didn’t see what he did next, but I sure as hell felt it when his bare ass slid over the head of my dick. JJ had pulled his underwear down enough to expose not only his ass, but his own hard-on as well.

“Fuck,” I growled. There was no way I could reach for my own underwear and draw it down without unseating him.

“Did you need something, Cass?” JJ asked, his eyes glazed over with lust. I could feel his pre-cum sliding over my abdomen every time his dick came into contact with my skin.

“JJ—” I said harshly but was quickly cut off with a hard roll of his hips over mine. My fingers tightened around his hips so I could control the glide of his ass over my dick, underwear be damned.

“Uh-uh,” he admonished as his fingers closed over my wrists. He lifted his ass off me completely. When he tried to pry my hands from his waist and couldn’t because I was too locked in a haze of lust to let him go, JJ leaned over me again, removing the soft skin of his ass from my groin completely. He braced himself with one hand on the bed and began jerking off his dick with the other.

“Asshole,” I muttered because I knew what he was doing. The same thing I’d threatened to do to him just moments earlier when I’d said I’d pin him in place so he’d be forced to watch me shoot my cum all over his body but not be able to get himself off until I decided he could.

“You win,” I grated. I released my hands from his hips and put them on the bed on each side of my head.

“My poor Cass,” JJ whispered apologetically, but it didn’t really work because he was smiling the whole time.

“Just remember I give back what I get… and more,” I promised.

His dick pressed against my stomach as he kissed me hard. Gone was the gentle foreplay. JJ kissed me until we were both forced to break apart so we could catch our breaths. He quickly straightened but before lowering himself back down on me, he reached behind himself and jerked my underwear down as best he could, considering our positions. It was enough, though, because my cock immediately straightened. I pushed my hips up without giving it even one thought. The sensation of my painfully hard, wet dick gliding between his ass cheeks and hitting his hole had me nearly coming then and there.

JJ remained still except for his hips. He rolled them, causing my dripping dick to caress his asshole several times. We were so close that all it would take was for him to drop more of his weight on me or for me to lift my hips. Thankfully, JJ still bore some sense because he shifted his body so that instead of my cock pressing against his ass, it got a brief feel of his tight balls before it was sliding along his dick. Then his hand was gripping my dick so he could slide it over his own erection. I managed to look down to see our pre-cum mixing as his hand slid the head of my cock over his. The sight of our juices combining and sliding down both our shafts stole my breath.

That small move left behind a different kind of exquisite ache that I’d never once felt before. I shut my eyes again in the hopes of holding back my release. But when I felt JJ’s hand moving my dick away from his, I shouted, “JJ, no⁠—”

He silenced me with a hard kiss. His eyes were so intense with power and lust that I knew what I needed to do. I had to give him everything. All that power that he’d unknowingly wielded over me was finally his and he knew it. I dropped my head back down onto the pillow and closed my eyes. All I wanted to do was feel.

Just feel.

I didn’t bother stifling a moan as JJ slowly slid my cock over his scrotum and then rubbed some of my pre-cum on my balls. I was certain my head was going to implode. My heart was pounding in my chest and sweat was slicking my entire body. When JJ lifted his ass higher, I knew what he was going to do and I welcomed it.

JJ eased my aching dick so that it was once again resting against his ass. His whimper had me opening my own eyes. His head was tilted back as he rubbed the pre-cum—our pre-cum—along the length of my shaft. When he released my dick and it sprang forward until it was once again in contact with his skin, the head of my cock hit the back of his hand. I sucked in a breath as I realized he was using what remained of our juices to lubricate his ass cheeks. Intercourse was off the table for now, but I was already so far gone that there wasn’t one man I’d put my dick inside of that could rival what JJ was about to do.

“Fuck,” I growled when he guided my dick so it was between his ass cheeks. He began rubbing my dick up and down until my cock took over and began sliding through his crease. JJ tightened the globes of his ass as best he could and covered his crease to make sure my cock stayed put and then he began moving. When I lifted my hips, he lowered his. When I lowered, he lifted. The friction was so intense, there were moments that I actually believed I was fucking him.

JJ’s cock bobbed against my abdomen as he increased the pace. He leaned further back so he could keep increasing the friction as he rode me. His free hand was biting into my thigh, but I barely noticed it. I was too busy memorizing the arch of his back and the sounds he made when I began thrusting hard against the hand that was keeping my hungry dick in his crease. At one point, he pressed us together so hard that my very wet dick was sliding over his hole.

I reached my hands up to grasp his hips so he’d have more leverage. Once I knew I was giving him the support he needed, I enveloped his weeping dick in my right hand.

“Oh God, yes, Cass. Right there!” JJ cried. I began jerking him off at the same pace he was riding my dick. He tipped his head forward so he could watch himself essentially fucking my hand. His entire body was trembling, and his skin was slick with sweat. He’d slowed the pace of my dick sliding through his crease, but he didn’t stop entirely. His lips parted every time I rubbed his dick. I could hear the whimpers bubbling up from his throat.

I’d never seen pure bliss before, but now it was right in front of me.

“I wish you could see yourself, JJ. You’re just so goddamn beautiful,” I said softly.

Unexpectedly, JJ stopped moving altogether. I was certain I’d said something wrong until he whispered, “Kiss me, Cass.”

I instantly put my arm completely around his waist and held him in place as I sat up. I covered his mouth with mine and slid my tongue over his. I could taste the slight saltiness of tears as we kissed, but the way JJ kissed me back told me all I needed to know. He was as overwhelmed as me by what was happening.

As incredible as what was happening to us felt, the reality of how close we’d come to losing this moment, this life-changing moment, was terrifying.

JJ’s dick was pressed between our bodies. It hadn’t softened in the least and my body was on fire with need. I could have reached between us to start jerking him off again, but I couldn’t make our bodies separate even the little bit it would take for me to slip my hand between us. His eyes were luminous when he broke the kiss. He wrapped both his arms around my neck as his ass cheeks began riding my dick hard. I kept up the pace as I maneuvered his legs so they were on either side of me. The move had our bodies completely lined up from neck to hips.

I replaced JJ’s hand with mine to keep my dick inside his crease, making sure it was deep enough that the shaft slid over his hole with every thrust. I kept my other arm around his waist to support him as I took over giving our bodies what they both needed. I began fucking JJ hard even though I wasn’t inside of him. It made absolutely no difference. My dick didn’t care, and based on the pool of pre-cum sticking to my abdomen, I doubted his did either.

“Love me, Cass,” JJ demanded as he clung to me. He buried his face against my neck and cried, “I need you to love me.”

“Look at me,” I ordered gruffly. My breath was seesawing out of me as I continued to ride JJ’s crease. He immediately did as I said. There was no fear or uncertainty in his eyes.

“Always,” I promised before I angled my head so my mouth could completely consume his. Just like our lower bodies were doing, our mouths made love, each one giving and taking.

JJ broke the kiss and whispered against my mouth, “I’m close, Cass. I need you to⁠—”

“I’m going over with you,” I finished for him. I couldn’t remember ever having come at the same time as any of my previous hookups, but it was impossible for JJ and me not to come at the same time. That was how in sync our bodies were.

“Harder,” he demanded, his lips brushing mine as he spoke. “Faster!”

I did as he said but as the orgasm crept up my spine, I knew I didn’t have much time. “Come with me, sweetheart,” I said. Like his had done, my lips brushed his in the lightest of caresses with each word.

JJ couldn’t speak but he nodded harshly and then buried his face into the crook of my neck and held on tight. I pumped my dick along his crease once, twice, and then he bit down on my collarbone as his body took control. I could feel his hot juices soaking my abdomen with every jerk of his body. I was surprised I’d even noticed that much because like JJ had wanted, we’d come at the same time. I still had my hand holding my dick against his ass when the orgasm hit. I made sure the head of my dick was just beneath his asshole when the orgasm struck. Every time my release hit his hole, his body jerked and hot cum slid down my body. The give and take seemed to go on forever and even when our dicks were spent, the aftershocks kept hitting us.

When my body started to feel both boneless and heavy, I moved my hand and let my dick slide from JJ’s crease. Streams of thick white cum slid down his crease and dripped onto my spent dick.

“I had no idea,” I admitted even as I clung to JJ. “I had no idea it could be like that.”

JJ had once again buried his face in the crook of my neck. He wasn’t moving at all, but his lips pressed soft kisses against my neck in between his short, heavy breaths. I covered the back of his head and said, “Look at me, baby.”

He lifted his head so our lips were just inches apart. His eyes immediately locked on mine. “This was our first time together,” I told him. My voice sounded gruff and demanding, even to my own ears. “This,” I said firmly. “This was our first time. Do you hear me?”

“Our first time,” JJ agreed. His smile told me what I needed to know. As intense as our sexual encounter in the shower of the cabin had been, that moment had been muddied up by the presence of the old JJ’s ghost. What had just taken place had happened with JJ, the man clinging to me like there was no other place in the world that he was supposed to be. There’d been no ghosts, no memories that weren’t equally shared, no regrets, and no confusion afterwards.

Just me and JJ making love.

Just us.

Me and my JJ.

“I love you,” I whispered.

JJ’s eyes shimmered. He no longer doubted that he was the one I loved with everything I was. I didn’t care if his memory of our time before the shooting ever returned. We’d already made so many new memories that the old ones paled in comparison. I would treasure them for what they’d been, but the man trembling in my lap was the one I would be spending my future with.

“I love you so much, Cass.” JJ fell silent as he stroked back a lock of damp hair that refused to be anywhere but brushing over my forehead.

He continued to toy with my hair as he continued speaking. “My dad, he used to talk about my mom and how much he loved her, but I never really got it. I thought I did but I didn’t. Now,” JJ said as he gave up on taming my hair and dropped his eyes so he was looking at me, “now I get it.” He nodded in slow understanding, looking like he’d stumbled onto some profound discovery.

“I get it,” he repeated and then kissed me sweetly. “So, um, what date was that because I’m pretty sure we hit the fast-forward button somewhere along the way.”

“That wasn’t a date, JJ. That was… us,” I said with a light chuckle because there was just no other word for it.

As I maneuvered our bodies under the covers with JJ already asleep on my chest, I came to a stunning realization. All the holes that had been punched through my soul in the past two years had been filled in, and for the first time in my life I felt something I hadn’t believed possible.

Whole.

I was finally whole.

CHAPTER 26

Jj

Ifoolishly assumed that I’d hate fighting with Cass now that we were a couple, despite hearing rumors that the make-up sex that came afterwards was more than worth it. The idea of great sex after a fight made no sense at all to me.

Until today.

The heated words had started flying the moment the issue of visiting Cass’s grandmother had come up. His need to see his grandmother had been undeniable, especially after our conversation about his father’s potential involvement in what had happened to me. Cass, being Cass, had ordered me to stay on the houseboat until he got back. I, being myself, had told him I was going with him and if he tried to leave me behind, I’d find my own way to get to the Ashby estate.

Now, our words were just running together to the point that neither one of us was really saying anything. The heated argument had started in the master bathroom as Cass and I had been getting dressed. We’d remembered to keep what would have normally been a full-on shouting match toned down enough that no one outside the houseboat would hear us. By the time we’d made it downstairs to the kitchen, the fight had only gotten worse. I’d always been good at playing mediator during domestic squabbles, but when it came to Cass, I didn’t have the filter I used to have. I gave as good as I got, and either one or both of us had gotten in the other’s personal space. It turned me on. Something about fighting with my obstinate man stirred up the always simmering lust inside of me until it was a full-on inferno.

“God, you’re such an ass,” I snapped impatiently as Cass continued to talk over me. I turned my back to him so I could temper not just my anger, but my growing hard-on. “Look, maybe we just need some time apart⁠—”

That was all I got out before Cass spun me around and crashed his mouth down on mine.

“No,” he growled and then he was kissing me again. His hands roamed all over my back until they settled on my ass. He gripped my ass cheeks hard, lifting me at the same time that he forced me back several steps. I realized he’d taken my words about spending time apart literally. I had absolutely no desire to end whatever it was we had between us, but even if I’d wanted to clarify that point, Cass made it impossible because his mouth feasted on mine, leaving me breathless. His strong fingers didn’t ease up at all, even when my back hit the edge of the kitchen table. By the time he lifted me so I was sitting on the table, I’d forgotten what we’d been fighting about in the first place.

Cass practically ripped my shirt off me as he dragged it over my head and threw it to the floor. My socks and shoes were gone in a flash and then my pants and briefs were being dragged off my body, leaving me completely naked while he was still fully dressed.

For a second, I thought the whole thing had been a setup so he could escape me, but when his heavy hand pushed me down so I was flat on my back on the table, I knew it wasn’t a game. If I’d needed any further proof that Cass was as lost to the throes of passion as I was, I got it when his big hands wrapped around my ankles so he could lift my legs until I was spread wide open for him. I should have been horrified, scared, and humiliated as he set my feet down on the table, leaving me completely exposed and vulnerable.

I wasn’t horrified.

Or scared.

Or even humiliated.

Not with the way Cass was looking at me. His dark eyes were burning with lust but there was something else there too. Something that had me spreading my legs wider and lifting my hips to give him a better view instead of trying to hide from him.

Cass let out what sounded like a snarl and then grabbed me by the hips and yanked me forward until my balls were pressed up against his hard-on which was still confined behind his jeans. I could see my pre-cum streaking the denim.

His expression remained hard and hungry, but when he ran his palm from my neck down to the point just above where the head of my dick was bobbing up and down, his touch was deliciously rough because of his calloused hand. Yet it was also achingly gentle, and no part of my upper body went untouched. I arched my back as the pops of electricity beneath my skin followed the touch of his hand. When Cass tortured me by running one finger down the length of my sensitive cock, I had to turn my head so my moan wouldn’t be overheard by any potential neighbors. My position made it impossible to see what came next.

Though I didn’t have eyes on what was to come, hearing the sound of spit was a familiar one and truth be told, it did scare me. Cass’s spittle landed in random spots on my dick and groin. Despite my fear, my dick twitched with each drop that made contact with it. My mind and body warred with one another as each bit of saliva hit my sensitive skin.

The guys who’d fucked me at Tank’s had usually foregone real lube and had merely spit on my hole and the tips of their dicks before they’d rammed themselves into me.

It had never felt good.

What Cass was doing… it did feel good. Really good. And he was doing it to my dick, not his. I levered myself up onto my elbows so I could see everything he was doing to me. I was just in time to see a gob of spit leave his mouth and land on my balls. It was all I could do not to come on the spot when Cass lazily swiped his finger through the spit, mixing it with my lightly furred balls. His touch was gentle, tender even, his eyes curious.

Until he lifted them and saw me watching what he was doing.

“On your back,” Cass growled. He held my gaze while I remained unmoving because I was torn between obeying him or ending this whole thing. It finally hit me that what would or wouldn’t happen came down to one thing, and it was the one thing that was the hardest for me to give. Harder than even my love.

Trust.

From the moment I’d seen Cass again for the first time, I’d made sure to tell and show him repeatedly that I didn’t trust him; that he’d stolen my ability to trust in anyone. Despite where we were now and all we’d done to get here, I still hadn’t spoken those words to him.

This encounter might have started out because of verbal sparring that had gotten out of control, but it hadn’t been the words themselves that had driven us to this moment. Not this moment where I was flat on my back, completely at Cass’s mercy. I could tell him to stop, and he would do exactly that. Except this wasn’t about me saying yes or no. It was about me not saying anything at all. It was about letting my mind, not my heart make the choice.

At first, I thought Cass just wanted what the men in all those bars and clubs had wanted—complete control so they could take their pleasure. Cass did want control, but not like any of those men had. He wanted me to trust him enough to hand that control over to him.

Despite everything I’d let complete strangers do to me, it had been my choice. I’d never been forced or drugged. I might have been too drunk at times to give consent, but I’d chosen to toss back all those shots with one goal in mind. I’d chosen which guy I wanted. Or guys. I’d chosen to let them do whatever they wanted to do to me. I’d chosen to let them call me names and degrade me. It had all been part of the game. Everyone who went to a place like Tank’s knew that. I hadn’t been there by accident.

Cass had been right when we’d first seen each other again and he’d forced me to accept that night after night, I had put some element of trust into the hands of men who could have taken my life if they’d wanted. Squeezing my neck for just a little too long during rough sex with the wrong guy and that would have been it. Yet I’d given every single one of those men the chance to do just that because I’d trusted I’d come out the other side both breathing and feeling the relief that addicts felt. Chasing the dragon. That was what they called it. I’d been chasing that same kind of high every time I’d gone through the door of Tank’s, and just like any other addict, when the high had faded too quickly or hadn’t been there at all, I’d pushed every encounter to a whole new level.

Things had been different in those days, though. Trust hadn’t cost me anything. I’d been living a life that hadn’t been mine anymore anyway, so giving my body over to a stranger to use as he pleased hadn’t mattered.

Nothing had mattered.

Cass did, though.

He mattered. More than he would ever know.

Yes, my body wanted this. I suspected my body would crave anything and everything Cass wanted to do to me, for me, or with me. The problem was my mind.

My eyes shifted back to Cass’s. He was no longer touching me, but he hadn’t moved away from me either. Technically, he could fuck me if he wanted to. Despite having tested negative for everything himself, he’d been taking preemptive measures when it came to safe sex. Besides using condoms from the first time he’d ever had sex, as soon as he’d been released from prison, he’d started taking medication that greatly reduced his chances of being infected by nearly every STD out there. I hadn’t wanted to ask if he’d done that for me or for any guy that he ended up having sex with. For all I knew, it was possible he could have hooked up dozens of times since he’d been released. Bottom line was that while we both knew about each other’s histories in terms of protection and testing, we still hadn’t really talked about if and when we were going to have intercourse.

This moment could change all that. Cass understood the risks of fucking me, even with a condom. The risk was next to nothing with that level of protection and even if the condom broke, the likelihood of him becoming infected with anything was slim to none.

In truth, I’d been told by my doctor after the first round of testing had come back negative that as long as my partner and I used protection, the risk of any negative outcomes was very low. I’d told Cass I wasn’t ready for that reason, but it wasn’t quite the truth. I absolutely hadn’t been ready when he and I had come face to face after two years, but somewhere along the line, my body had become ready. If he’d been any other man who I’d liked or had been dating, I would have probably slept with him within a couple of dates, but Cass wasn’t any man.

If I made this decision, it could destroy me. It would be as bad as the agony I’d felt when I’d first learned he’d shot me and killed three others and had already been convicted of the crime by the time I woke up from my coma.

Now, when it came down to it, as big as the decision was, as important as it was, it ended up being one of the easiest things I’d ever done. The way Cass was watching me made it easy. The way he loved me made it easy. The way he’d forgiven me, comforted me, protected me… trusted me—those were the only things I thought of anymore when I was with him.

Although it had felt like hours since Cass had ordered me to put my head back down so I was flat on the table like he wanted, I knew it hadn’t been more than a few dozen seconds.

There was something freeing and yet still terrifying about giving up control. Not knowing what was going to happen… a few weeks ago, I wouldn’t have given a shit about that. But now I did care, so as I listened for the sound of a zipper being drawn down or the distinct tearing of foil, I couldn’t be sure if it was because I was nervous in a good way or in a bad way. All I could do was lie there, completely exposed, my trust in the hands of a man I’d loved from the time I’d understood what love was, regardless of the handful of times he and I had been together in the same room over the span of more than a decade.

Despite the prolonged silence and lack of movement, I stayed where I was. I’d closed my eyes so I wouldn’t have to look at the ugly light fixture above my head, so I wasn’t expecting what happened next. I whimpered when Cass’s mouth opened over mine and he stole several heart-wrenching kisses that both left my toes curling and my dick hardening as well as my heart swelling with love for the man who was proving to me that he understood what I’d given him.

I kissed Cass back, but I didn’t try to take control of the kiss. I just relished every brush of his lips over mine. Since most of his upper body was lying flush with mine on the small table, the roughness of his clothes over my completely bare skin was causing sparks of energy to flare to life beneath my skin.

When he broke the kiss, I expected him to stand back up, but instead he rubbed his pointer finger over my lips before saying, “Open.” I opened my mouth and greedily sucked on Cass’s finger until he brusquely said, “Get it wet.”

His words weren’t a request.

I gave his finger a few more hard sucks to show him what I’d be particularly good at once we got around to it, but Cass’s hard eyes darkened even more, and he let out a warning growl. A shiver shot down my spine and right to my balls. I coated his finger with as much saliva as I could. The second I opened my mouth to release his finger, it was replaced with a hungry, demanding tongue. At some point, Cass had released his dick from his jeans because when he shifted his weight, I felt his shaft slide over mine. His pre-cum was sliding down my cock. The heat of it had me seeing stars.

“I’m going to come,” I groaned as Cass’s juices mixed with mine.

“No, you’re not,” he said simply.

Again, not a request. I tried to think of anything besides the pressure in my balls. Cass ended up giving me the distraction I needed when his finger, the one I’d had in my mouth, brushed my hole. His other hand wrapped around the base of my dick.

Hard.

It felt so good I was sure I was going to stop breathing at any moment. Before I’d managed to figure out what his tight grip was doing, his finger began to press inside of me.

“Oh, God,” I cried out. Even as my body instinctively tried to keep Cass’s finger from passing through the layers of muscle that protested his entry, every other part of me felt like it was drawing the digit in. I didn’t even care that it was going to hurt like it always had before. My body felt so empty, so lost…

“Look at me!” Cass demanded.

I was sweaty and covered in spit and pre-cum, but I’d never felt more beautiful when I opened my eyes and saw the way Cass was looking at me. His dominance, his lust, his control—they were all there. But pleasure, the kind you only found through pure joy and peace and knowing that whatever lay ahead wasn’t as important as what you held in your hands in that exact moment, was just further proof that he loved me. It didn’t matter if our lovemaking was slow and passionate or hard and rough, it was all still bound in love.

“Keep them on me,” he ordered. I could hear the tightness in his voice and knew that I wasn’t the only one trying to stave off my climax.

I wasn’t sure if I managed a nod, but I didn’t hesitate to do what he said. Despite his demands and orders, Cass’s entry into my body was gentle and slow. It didn’t hurt. Yes, there was pressure and some discomfort, but he kept adding more of his saliva to my hole as well as his finger and waited until my body relaxed enough that he was able to push his finger past the outer muscles trying to prevent his entry.

I cried out as my muscles stretched to accommodate him. I’d forgotten to keep my eyes on Cass the whole time but when I opened them, he had his eyes shut. I got to watch him as the pleasure flooded his body with anticipation. I doubted he was going to be following his finger with his much thicker dick today, but he was being given a hint of what would one day come.

“So tight,” he said roughly when he opened his eyes. He began to gently slide his finger in and out of me, going a little deeper each time. Since I didn’t want slow or gentle because it felt too fucking good, on his next push forward, I lifted my hips, forcing Cass’s finger to drive deeper into me. I couldn’t tell if he was in as far as he could go or not, but it didn’t matter, because his dominance returned with just that one move.

“Wrap your legs around me,” Cass snapped.

I obeyed and moaned when he slid even deeper into me. “Yes,” I croaked. He didn’t give me any time to get used to the sensation of him filling me because he drew his finger so far back that I was sure he was going to pull it free of my body. “No, Cass, don’t stop⁠—”

Cass thrust his finger forward.

Hard.

The well-lubed finger stretched my inner muscles, but the faster he pumped the digit in and out of me, the more intense the friction began to get. I’d been on the edge of release from the moment Cass had slid his finger into me, so the finger fucking was winding that mysterious coil inside of me so that my entire body got tighter and tighter, the pressure building to an almost unbearable level.

“Cass,” I gasped. “I need to come!”

He bent over me but continued to thrust his finger in and out of me, sending me higher and higher with each pass. Our hard dicks slid over each other, creating their own unique kind of friction. Cass’s free hand released my dick so he could grip my shoulder in order to use my own body as leverage as he fucked me. His sweat dripped onto me and my pre-cum smeared his dick and abdomen. We were so close to being one.

I was so lost in how good it felt to have even a part of Cass inside of me that it took me a moment to feel his hot breath mingling with mine. I opened my eyes to find his locked on mine. “Please, JJ.”

Since Cass was the one in control of our physical pleasure, I wasn’t sure what he was asking me for, so I followed my gut and cupped the back of his neck to draw him down for a searing kiss. His cock mashed against mine, causing unbearable friction each time his finger thrust deep inside of me. His hips slammed against mine with each forward push, so just like me, Cass was responding like he was really fucking me.

I dropped one hand from his face and reached between our bodies. I managed to fist his slick cock, applying just the right amount of pressure that I hoped would mimic his cock sliding in and out of me instead of just his finger.

“Yes,” Cass groaned as his grunts matched his hard thrusts forward. Despite the hard fuck he was giving both my hand and my ass, his kiss was gentle and light. He whispered my name every time he stopped kissing me long enough to take a breath. His entire body was shaking, and his shirt was sticking to his body from the sweat. I would have given nearly anything to feel his hot skin against mine, but I wasn’t about to remove either of my hands—the one gripping his dick, the other cupping his cheek—to make that happen.

His state of dress or undress wasn’t what he wanted, anyway. What he wanted, what he needed was the reminder that what we had was real, that he wasn’t caught up in a dream that would leave him waking up alone in the darkness of his prison cell. Cass could have jerked himself off to any fantasy of fucking me, but he wouldn’t have been able to feel my love with every kiss I pressed against his lips. He wouldn’t have heard my words telling him how good he felt inside of me and how much I loved him. He wouldn’t have felt our bodies moving as one. He wouldn’t have been safe like he was at this very moment, just him and me in our own little slice of reality where nothing and no one could ever touch us.

“I love you so much, Cass,” I managed to say between the grunts and groans we were both making as we got closer and closer to reaching that unique level of pleasure that would be ours and ours alone. I began jerking him off at a pace that matched his finger ramming into me. My own cock was sliding along my hand as well as Cass’s dick. I could feel the pressure mounting in my balls and judging by the way his cock throbbed as it fucked my slick hand, we were right there.

“Love you,” Cass said just before he shifted his finger inside of me.

My body lit up like a firecracker had been set off inside of it. “Oh God,” I cried as I arched my back. I could feel the orgasm racing up my spine. The pressure in my nuts gave way to breath-stealing relief. I was forced to let go of Cass’s dick so I could grab his still denim-clad ass by one of the belt loops as I wrapped my legs around him and locked my ankles together.

His finger hit the same spot inside of me one more time and then I was flying as streams of cum began spewing all over my chest and abdomen. Cass shouted against my neck as he came. His hot semen added to my own but as he continued to ride out his release, his jizz hit my chin and covered his upper body as well. His finger continued to slide in and out of me, hitting what I now realized was my prostate with every pass. Aftershocks kept jerking through my body as we both took in every sensation our bodies continued to bombard us with… the sensations we’d given each other. I had no idea how long the orgasm continued to roll over me, but the moment his finger eased out of my body, I felt the loss immediately.

Even though I was too breathless to speak, I gently pulled on Cass’s sweaty hair. He got the message and lifted his head enough to look at me. He looked relaxed and at peace—two things I’d never seen in his expression from the moment I’d met him as a kid. He’d always seemed to carry some kind of invisible weight on his shoulders, even when he was sitting at our kitchen table and laughing along with the rest of us as my father tried to tell American jokes but always got the punchlines wrong.

“Mmmmm,” Cass managed to get out before he placed a soft kiss on my lips. I opened my mouth to speak when he somehow found the strength to lift my head off the table enough that I could reach his neck. “Taste me,” he whispered. “Taste, see, feel what you do to me.”

There was a long, thick line of white cum slowly sliding down Cass’s neck. There was no teasing or innuendos. No hesitation. I eagerly closed my lips over the white fluid and licked up as much as I could. I continued to feast on him until there were no more spots left to slake my hunger. I dropped my head back on the table only to be met with a deep, seeking kiss. I knew Cass had to be able to taste his own cum on my tongue and lips.

Although I’d never kissed any of the guys I’d been with at the clubs, I’d heard plenty of them calling me a hungry cum slut as they’d fed me their release, either up the ass or down my throat. A few of them had sucked their jizz out of my ass afterwards, yet most had made it clear that they liked giving their spunk away to anyone who wanted a taste, but they didn’t partake themselves… although their language hadn’t been quite that classy.

Either way, Cass wasn’t most guys. He wasn’t like any other guy. God had broken the mold after He’d created Cass.

A fact Cass continued to prove to me with every passing minute.

When he ended the sizzling kiss, I cupped the back of his neck and ran my fingers over the soft skin there. I waited until his eyes were on mine before I said, “I trust you, my love. I know I haven’t said or shown it⁠—”

Cass kissed me again gently. “You’ve shown me everything, JJ. You can say the words if you need to, but you’ve proven it to me more times than you realize.” He reached up to stroke his fingers over the scar left behind by the bullet wound. “I can’t lose you,” he said with a shake of his head as he tenderly caressed the scar. His voice cracked and I knew the dampness that coated his cheeks was no longer sweat. “I just can’t,” he repeated and then he lowered his head to my chest, right over my heart.

I stroked the back of Cass’s neck as we lay there. “You do realize something, right?” I asked as I pressed a kiss to his earlobe.

His response was completely unintelligible.

“First off, I see a lot of fights in our future,” I began.

“Me too,” Cass responded, his lips caressing the spot between my neck and collarbone.

“Secondly, I won this one,” I reminded him.

Cass shifted enough that he could look at me. “Is that so?” he asked.

I was about to tell him even if I ever did lose a fight, I’d always come out a winner if today’s encounter was the end result, but I never got the chance to speak the words because Cass pressed the top of his finger against my very sensitive and well-used hole. The jolt that went through me took away my ability to speak. He left his finger where it was and rubbed me every few seconds.

“We may need to revisit that thought a little later, right, sweetheart?” Cass asked with a languid grin before sealing his mouth over mine to stifle the little whimpers I couldn’t contain every time his rough fingertip brushed my sensitive skin.

“Asshole,” I somehow managed to quip just so I could have the last word, but even that was stolen from me because I lost the ability to speak as Cass teased my body with his sinful tongue and talented fingers. By the time he managed to pull another earth-shattering orgasm from my body, I lost the ability to do anything at all.

Something I was very much okay with.

I couldn’t deny that I was nervous as Cass pulled up to the huge iron gate. I’d never seen his family’s compound, but based on the entrance alone, I couldn’t help but think about my own little two-story Cape Cod style house that was considered one of the nicer homes in my neighborhood. As a kid, I hadn’t really understood the line that existed between families like mine and his. Words like indigent, blue collar, working class, millionaires, and billionaires hadn’t been part of my world until I’d gotten into my teens. Even when Cass had shown up in the park with his fancy sports car, I hadn’t realized that he’d lived in a world that was miles apart from my own.

Now, as I studied the perfectly cut grass and small trees that lined as much of the driveway as I could see through the massive gate, I heard Cass sigh in frustration after talking to the guard who was in charge of monitoring it.

“Everything okay?” I asked Cass as I leaned over him just a bit and looked at the guard. He had his back to us, and it looked like he was talking on a cordless telephone. No doubt he was checking with someone at the house whether he should let us in or not. I’d purposefully worn a baseball cap and kept my head turned away from the guard so he wouldn’t recognize me. Even if he did, it wouldn’t change our plan.

Me being seen in public with Cass had already been a big no-no, but to immerse myself directly into his family was beyond insane. After the fight and the mind-blowing make-up sex afterwards, Cass and I had managed to speak to one another more calmly about my idea and had agreed that me remaining hidden away wouldn’t accomplish anything.

We’d talked briefly about telling my brother about our plan—well, technically my plan—but had agreed that Sully’s not-so-delicate approach to dealing with any member of the Ashby family would have been equivalent to the proverbial bull in a china shop.

As far as Sully knew, Cass and I were still holed up someplace safe. While I understood their need to keep me safe, I’d finally gotten a taste of the life I could have, and no one was going to take it or Cass from me. As it stood now, all we had were theories, not facts. We couldn’t get facts if we didn’t start making the person or people hunting us nervous enough that they’d eventually slip up and make a mistake. A mistake we could hopefully use to our advantage.

While Cass seemed pretty certain his father had been responsible for what had happened, I wasn’t entirely convinced. I also wasn’t one hundred percent sure that Cass had been the true target of an unspeakable frame-up job. I hadn’t told him about the file I’d seen several months before I’d been shot because I couldn’t recall if that specific report really had been related to Cass’s father or one of the many other Ashby male family members. With my memory as bumpy as it was, I needed to see that file again before I gave him another reason to focus on his father as the only possible suspect, and getting that file was going to take skills neither Sully, Cass, or I had.

The bottom line was that we needed information, and finding an Ashby with a love of gossip could be very useful. Hell, even the staff who worked for the Ashbys probably had helpful information. The mere fact that Cass and I would be seen together would be a big-ass piece of bait. Although I, like Cass, hated needing to use his grandmother as part of our plan, she was the only way we’d get past not just the gate in front of us, but whatever staff or security would be waiting up at the house for us.

“Red tape,” Cass responded to my question. He lifted his hand in frustration. “My father probably found out that I visited my grandmother last week and told the staff to ban me from the property.”

“Or it’s because I’m with you,” I offered as I watched the guard continue to fidget with the phone like he was waiting for someone to respond to him. We’d been sitting at the gate for more than ten minutes. The guard hadn’t even asked to see my ID yet. Even if he’d recognized me, he would have followed the same procedure as he was apparently doing now, and to a legitimate Ashby, no less.

As the minutes dragged by, my mind drifted back to the sexual encounter we’d had on Cass’s too small kitchen table. I could feel my dick getting hard as my too empty ass clenched in anticipation. I’d seen and felt Cass’s dick; I’d even held it in my hand. I knew what it felt like, I knew how thick it was, I’d even tasted his release. I needed more, though. I needed it all.

After the guard finally waved us through the gate, I should have been focusing on what was going to happen once we reached the house but, in the condition I was in, it wasn’t going to work.

“Do you want to hear another secret I’ve never told anyone else?” I blurted as I put my hand on Cass’s thigh, right where it met his groin. I was greeted with the same problem I was currently having.

Cass slowed the car and pressed his body back against his seat. He closed his eyes for a brief moment and pulled in a deep breath before opening them again. He put his hand over mine to stop its trajectory, but instead of putting any effort behind stopping me, he kept his hand where it was even as I eased up until my fingers were tracing the outline of his hard-on which was getting harder by the second.

“Tell me,” Cass growled.

“I’ve been dreaming of you fucking me in the back seat of this car for as long as I can remember.”

“Jesus, JJ!” Cass hit the brakes so hard that my body jolted against the seat belt. Before I could say anything else, he had his own seat belt undone as well as mine, all while taking my mouth in a searing kiss. At some point, the Mustang had stopped on its own, so we were literally in the middle of the driveway with no one around.

There was no easing into Cass’s kiss. He was consuming me from the moment his lips touched mine, and I loved every second of it. I’d hoped he’d be as hungry for me as I was for him but hadn’t been certain.

Question asked… and answered.

The sound of a zipper being drawn down had Cass breaking the kiss. He looked down at my groin, not his, because I was already in the process of taking my leaking dick out of my pants. I began stroking myself as my eyes held his. He kept switching his gaze between my eyes and my dick.

“God, you are so fucking beautiful,” he growled and then his hand was knocking mine out of the way.

I moaned at both his words and his touch.

“Do you have a condom?” I managed to ask. I could already feel the orgasm closing in on me.

Cass kissed me. “I don’t think you’re going to last that long, sweetheart,” he said between deep, lush kisses that only drove me higher.

“It’s not for me,” I said. Cass was silent for a beat and then his free hand was lifting my shirt, exposing my abdomen and chest.

Cass’s mouth invaded my own before traveling south and licking one of my nipples as he began jerking me off with firm drags of his hand. When he gently bit down on my nipple, I came. It had taken that one caress of his mouth and three drags on my dick and nothing more. He silenced my shout of relief with his mouth and pointed my dick so that the thick white ropes of cum ended up all over my chest. When the orgasm finally released me from its hold, Cass ran his fingers through my still-hot jizz.

I wished like hell he would do what he’d done to me earlier that morning—take the sticky fluid and suck it off his finger. I could watch his lips widen enough to pull in his finger and imagine what it would be like to see my bare dick sliding past his gorgeous lips instead. I grabbed his fingers and sucked hard enough to have Cass moaning several un-Ashby-like curses.

“Condom,” I demanded as soon as I released his finger. I licked the rest of the cum off my lips as I reached for the button on Cass’s jeans.

“There’s not enough time⁠—”

I ignored his protest, grabbed my own wallet, and fished out the single condom I’d started carrying with me after my first confrontation with Cass weeks earlier.

“JJ—” Cass began to say as I released his dick from his jeans. His protest was weak, and he did nothing to physically stop me. As much as I truly would have liked to have Cass fuck me in the back seat of his car, there really wasn’t enough time for that. But just like all the other ways we’d found to be with each other, we could make this work.

I had the condom on Cass’s hard dick in seconds and then I was pulling his thick shaft to the back of my throat. Since I’d been born with no gag reflex, I was able to suck his dick down my throat on the first pass. I made sure to hold on to the condom as I urged his body to release him from the tight coil that had him under its powerful spell. He was grunting and groaning as he shoved his dick into my eager mouth.

“JJ, fuck… don’t stop. Don’t stop!” Cass cried out as he hung on the precipice of agonizing, blissful, and much needed relief. His fingers were wound in my hair tight enough to sting, but knowing that he was so out of control that he didn’t realize he was doing it just made me more eager to finish him off.

I could feel the moment Cass’s body gave in to the pleasure. He shoved into me once, twice, and then held my head down the third time as his dick jerked in my mouth. He let out a string of more curse words as his jizz filled the condom. I could feel the warmth of his release through the latex barrier and wished like hell I could have felt his cum sliding down my throat.

I slowly pulled my mouth along his sensitive shaft one last time and then disposed of the condom. Cass hadn’t said a word, but his face and body spoke volumes. While a quick glance at my watch showed that the entire encounter hadn’t lasted more than a few minutes, I knew we had to get moving. I carefully tucked his sensitive cock back into his jeans and did them up. I kissed him softly to pull him out of the haze of pleasure that still hung over him.

“Sweetheart, we need to get moving,” I reminded him. It took several long seconds for the fog to lift. When Cass’s eyes met mine, he still seemed lost in a heavy mist. He was expressionless and that scared me. Had I done something wrong? Was he pissed because I’d started the whole thing in the driveway of his grandmother’s home?

The silence brought all my insecurities and self-doubt back to the surface, but before they could take hold, Cass was once again dragging me across the console. His hungry, demanding kiss held the promise of things to come. He released me just as quickly as he’d grabbed me, put the car in gear, and slammed down on the gas pedal.

As the Mustang surged forward, I looked around to find something to clean the cum off my body. My shirt had ended up getting tucked under my armpits, so it was still dry, and I wanted to keep it that way.

“There’s a rag in the glove compartment,” Cass said as he gave me a cheeky grin. I grabbed the rag and began wiping at the now cool, sticky mess covering my upper body. As I slowly wiped away the proof of what we had just done, my mind wandered to the night before when Cass and I had made love for what he’d called our first time.

His simple yet powerful declaration had taken something from me. Something I’d been happy to say goodbye to for the rest of my life.

The voice.

The insidious voice in my head that had told me it was okay to go to places like Tank’s and let guys fuck me. The voice that never failed to remind me that I’d never again be able to do the job I’d worked so hard for and that had made my father beam with pride. Then it would conveniently remind me that the pursuit of becoming a cop hadn’t been my dream and that I’d been too much of a coward to take my father’s dream away from him.

I still had doubts and insecurities like everyone else and, just like everyone else, those would probably be with me for the rest of my life. It was how I reacted to those things that had changed.

That Cass had helped me change.

With actions.

With determination.

With words.

He’d never given up on me even though he’d had plenty of reasons to. But when he’d talked about something being for us, I’d truly, deeply understood that his love for me wasn’t compartmentalized like so many of the other things in his mind were. I’d fallen asleep in Cass’s arms a new and happy man. I’d woken up that way too, also in his arms.

Cass’s chuckle pulled me from my thoughts. Holy hell, had I spoken any of what I’d been thinking out loud? I instantly thought about how inappropriate my behavior just minutes earlier had been. God, did I remind him of the JJ who’d visited Tank’s night after night?

“Cass, I’m sorry. I was just so horny—” I blurted before I could stop myself.

He laughed and shot me a wink before saying, “I can say without a doubt, that was the first time I’ve ever enjoyed the drive up to this place.”

I gave him a grin just as we cleared the line of trees on each side of the driveway and entered the roundabout for a massive house unlike anything I’d ever seen before. I hadn’t missed the fact that Cass had called the mansion a place, not a home. I kind of had to agree with him. Calling the mansion a house didn’t work either because the massive structure looked more like a museum than anything else. Everything was perfect but not in a good way. It was all too perfect. There wasn’t a single thing out of place. No weeds in sight, no section of grass untrimmed, no dirt on the driveway.

Despite the warm, sunny day, the man waiting at the bottom of the steps leading up to the front door wore a striking black suit. Not a single hair was out of place, and he held himself straight and stiff with his arms behind his back and a grim expression pasted on his face. Two valet attendants who appeared from seemingly nowhere opened the car doors for us. They were just as pristinely dressed but wore white gloves. They too had suits on, ties included. Every move was curt but graceful. The men reminded me more of government agents than guys who parked cars for a living.

“Leave it here, please,” Cass instructed the valet on his side of the car. “Renly,” he said with a nod when he approached the statue-like man by the steps.

“Mr. Ashby,” Renly responded as he gave Cass a respectful nod. Despite looking like he belonged in Buckingham Palace, there was something off about the perfectly groomed and dignified man. He remained rigid even after Cass’s friendly greeting. From what Cass had told me, Renly had been with the Ashbys for more than twenty years and yet there was no true warmth in his eyes when greeting Patricia Ashby’s beloved grandson.

I figured the man was like everyone else in the city. He believed Cass had committed murder and gotten away with it but was forced to treat him as he did other family members.

“Your grandmother will be pleased to see you again,” the man said as he motioned to the steps leading up to the huge double wooden doors that were at least twice my height. Cass intentionally didn’t introduce me to Renly, but I had no doubt the man knew exactly who I was.

Renly confirmed it a few seconds later when he said, “Officer Ferguson.” There was no nod for me, and he didn’t wait for me to precede him up the stairs.

“It’s just Ferguson now,” I commented. “You can call me JJ.” I kept my voice friendly and made sure there wasn’t even an ounce of concern in my tone. I had one job to do while Cass visited his grandmother.

Observe.

I needed to study everyone and everything I saw and heard while remaining as invisible as possible. When I’d fought with Cass about me going with him, I’d pointed out that he was naturally biased either positively or negatively when it came to his grandmother, her staff, and the rest of his family. The mansion itself probably had Cass leaning one way and then the other. He may not have had the best childhood in the unwelcoming structure that was supposed to pass as a home, but this was where he’d spent the first eighteen years of his life. He’d had a loving grandmother who’d taken him under her wing as well as cruel relatives, including his own father, who still mentally lingered in his mind. That made it nearly impossible for him to be able to pick up any nuances or nonsensical behaviors, especially while he was spending time with his grandmother.

As soon as we stepped over the threshold, I felt a chill go through me. The so-called home was cold and lifeless. There was next to no sound. Our shoes were the only thing I heard as we moved around and even those were faint.

White marble floors with gold inlay gleamed, and beautifully displayed paintings and other works of art, some familiar even to me, hung on the walls. Each painting was accented with custom lighting, making the beautiful art come to life. I had a feeling that the majority of the paintings were the real deal and not just well-done replicas. Fresh red roses in crystal vases were on nearly every entry table. In front of us was a set of double stairs, each leading to the second floor. The stairways were mirror images of each other. Just like the floors, the stairs shone as if they’d been freshly polished just moments earlier.

As I followed Cass, I took in every bit of information I could. The layout of the place, the behavior of the few staff members standing in certain positions along the walls of the massive hallway, others walking toward us, their hands full of freshly folded linens and bright silver trays covered with gleaming dishware. Every single staff member stopped whatever they were doing and bowed their heads when Cass walked past them. I could tell from the way Cass was holding himself that he was extremely uncomfortable with the show of respect. He was the kind of man who wanted to earn respect, not inherit it.

The place held no warmth to it whatsoever. The maids didn’t talk to one another even when we were out of earshot. No one smiled, no one laughed. They were all as cold and empty as the home they took care of.

“Your grandmother is about to take her tea in the solarium. Would you and your guest like some tea? Or perhaps coffee?” Renly asked.

The man didn’t look at me even once as he spoke, and he had to be wondering what Cass and I were doing together since we should have been natural enemies. As we’d walked down several hallways, the Ashby butler had managed to maintain his cool and had responded with respect and even kindness when Cass asked questions about his grandmother’s health. Once again, the words were the right ones, so was the way they were spoken, but they still felt wrong.

Before Cass could answer Renly’s question about whether we wanted tea or not, I stepped forward and took Cass’s hand in mine and said, “Some tea would be lovely, Renly. Don’t you think so, babe?”

Despite the fact that Cass and I had agreed that we wouldn’t overtly reveal our relationship during the visit, I had to go with my gut. Thankfully, Cass’s hand tightened around mine before he said, “Yes, tea sounds good. Thank you, Renly. We can show ourselves to the solarium.”

Renly’s eyes fell to our joined hands and his jaw hardened for a split second before the rigid, formal expression returned and he looked at Cass. It was obvious that he wanted to know what the two of us were doing together and how we’d ended up in the Ashby mansion side by side, hands linked, and soft, happy smiles directed at each other. Odds were, the man hadn’t known about Cass’s sexuality, let alone that there was any chance in hell that he’d end up in a relationship with the same man he’d tried to kill two years earlier.

“Yes, sir. Of course,” Renly responded. For the first time, he sounded rattled.

Once Renly was out of earshot, Cass quietly asked, “What are you doing?”

“Playing a hunch,” I responded, keeping my voice low in case any staff were lingering nearby.

Cass responded by tightening his grip on my hand. Even though he had no clue what I was up to, he trusted me enough to move forward with it. It was humbling. If I fucked this up, I could very well lose that trust, especially since the whole thing included Cass’s grandmother, one of the few people in his life that he truly loved. I closed my eyes long enough to put my cop hat on and then walked alongside Cass, allowing him to lead me to our destination.

The solarium was a beautiful room made of glass and filled with various flowers, plants, and decorative water features that would have been calming in any other situation. As we walked toward the back of the large room, the space opened up into a clear area. A small round table overlooked a beautiful garden of roses. Despite the natural wildness of how roses grew, these were meticulously trimmed.

Another display of absolute perfection.

Cass quickened our pace when a thin woman with silver hair came into view. She was sitting in one of the chairs, her gaze fixated on the garden.

“Mother Ashby,” Cass said softly. He had to call out to her one more time to get her attention. She turned in her chair. It took her several long seconds to recognize him. “Cassius?”

“It’s me, Mother Ashby. I came to sit with you again for a while.”

“Oh, my word,” the old woman said as she tried to stand.

He dropped my hand and rushed to her. “Don’t get up, Mother Ashby.” Cass embraced her gently as he eased her back down into the chair.

“You came home safe,” she said as she began to cry. “I thought I’d never see my little rose again.”

When he crouched next to her so they were at eye level, I used the opportunity to study Cass’s grandmother. She looked exactly like how he had described her. Dirty nightgown, disheveled hair, slurred speech, and obvious disorientation.

“Honey,” I called loudly. “Aren’t you going to introduce me?” I pasted a fake smile on my face. Cass took the hint and stood. He rubbed his hand over his grandmother’s shoulder before coming up to me and linking his fingers with mine. I made sure I was pressed up against his side as we came to a stop in front of his grandmother.

“Mother Ashby, there’s someone I’d like you to meet. JJ Ferguson, this is my grandmother, Patricia Ashby. Mother Ashby, this is JJ.”

“It’s such a pleasure to meet you, Mother Ashby,” I said as I extended my free hand. I’d purposefully used the title Cass used even though it was disrespectful. I had to force myself to remember that I was here as a former cop, not Cass’s lover. I had to distance my emotions from everyone, even if it meant behaving inappropriately.

Mrs. Ashby’s eyes fell to my hand and then she turned her head to look at Cass. There was no recognition in her eyes as she shifted them back and forth between me and him.

“Did you make a new friend at school today?” she asked Cass.

Renly chose that moment to interrupt the conversation by rolling a cart with several items on it up to the table. Cass invited me to choose whatever seat I wanted. I sat directly across from his grandmother. She looked at me for a fraction of a second before turning her eyes to stare at the garden again.

Once we all had cups of tea before us, Renly rolled the cart away from the table, but he didn’t go far. He stood about a dozen steps behind Cass and Mrs. Ashby, moving his body so he was between them and had a perfect view of me.

“Mother Ashby, would you like some milk or sugar for your tea?” I asked as I reached for the cup of milk between us. Renly had already added several things to her tea to make it to her liking, but it was easy enough to act like the nervous partner who was meeting his boyfriend’s family for the first time. Mrs. Ashby didn’t respond to me. Her eyes were focused on the garden outside.

“I’ve already taken care of it, Mr. Ferguson,” Renly said sharply.

I looked up at him and then shifted my eyes back to Cass’s grandmother. She hadn’t reacted verbally in any kind of way to my question or Renly’s response, but after his declaration, she did lift the delicate teacup to take a sip of the tea. When her eyes met mine, I reached for my own cup and took a sip, holding her gaze the whole time. The old woman stiffened before lowering the cup back onto the spotless saucer.

I kept my eyes on Cass’s grandmother as I said to Renly, “Of course, Renly. Please forgive me. I was… I was injured a couple of years ago while in the line of duty and my thoughts get jumbled sometimes.” I shifted my eyes to Cass and then reached for his hand. He automatically took it. “A lot of times,” I said softly.

Cass and I gazed into each other’s eyes like lovesick teenagers. Renly coughed loudly to remind of us his presence.

“Sorry, Renly,” Cass said. He played his part and pulled my hand up to his lips so he could place a soft kiss on the back of it. “Sometimes we just can’t help ourselves.”

Instead of shifting his eyes to Cass, Renly’s impenetrable gaze stayed on me. “Yes, Mr. Ferguson, bad business all that,” he said with a small wave of his hand. There was no genuine concern for the injury I’d alluded to. “It was my understanding that you have no memory of that unfortunate incident.”

“It’s true, he doesn’t remember anything from that night—” Cass began.

“Yet,” I added quickly, sending Cass a hopeful smile.

He managed to keep his own smile on his face, but I could see the anger in his eyes. When we’d left the houseboat, our plan had been for me to play the role of the shy, quiet boyfriend who was clueless as to the true impact of the injury he’d suffered. Remaining quiet and letting Cass do all the talking was supposed to give me the time and freedom I needed to observe without needing to interact. At most, Cass had only wanted information that we’d been seen together to get leaked. Like my brother, he’d been adamant that we stick to the plan that I still had no memory of the shooting. That was actually the truth, but the point had been to make sure that was still widely known.

With the single word I’d just uttered, I’d painted a target on my back. If the person who’d shot me had even the slightest inkling that I might be starting to get my memory back, they’d have no choice but to put me down because I could clear Cass’s name for real and the hunt for the true killer would be on.

I’d laid the trap and placed myself as bait squarely on it. Unfortunately, it meant I was putting Cass in the line of fire too, but that had always been inevitable. Cass might not have wanted to bait the hook today, but Renly’s interest in the current state of my injury was impossible to let go.

“There were some bumps along the way when he… when we saw…” I let my voice crack.

“It’s okay, baby,” Cass said to me, his voice sorrowful. To Renly, he added, “Let’s just say things didn’t go so well when we ran into each other after I was released.” He pulled me forward so he could run his finger lovingly over the scar at my temple.

Cass gave me the slightest of nods. Knowing he was on board, even if he didn’t necessarily like it, made it easier to play my role as the innocent, oblivious victim who didn’t know when to stop talking. “I started seeing these pictures in my head. Like really short movies. I saw enough of them to know Cass would never hurt me,” I murmured. I continued to sound like naive prey being lured to its death. “And as you know, Cass is almost as much a member of my family as he is of this one,” I said as I nodded toward Mrs. Ashby. “There’s a lot to figure out, but the one thing we do know for sure is that we want to do it together,” I added as I lovingly looked at Cass.

“That is good news indeed. Mrs. Ashby will be delighted to have Mr. Ashby vindicated. Then, perhaps, you will be able to visit with her more,” Renly said to Cass, his voice dripping with insincerity.

Cass released me and turned in his chair so he was looking at his grandmother. “Mother Ashby, are you feeling okay?” He sounded truly concerned about his grandmother and her lack of participation in the discussion, but I had a different take on her silence.

He had to repeat himself several times before Mrs. Ashby turned around. “Cassius,” she said in delight. “You’ve come home.”

Mrs. Ashby tried to stand, but Cass was prepared for the move because he quickly jumped to his feet and leaned over her so he could hug her without her needing to rise.

“Yes, Mother Ashby, I’m home,” he responded. My heart broke for him as he clung to his grandmother. Cass definitely wasn’t pretending.

This time, when Mrs. Ashby saw me, she repeated her earlier question. “Cassius, have you made a new friend at school?” she asked, a wide smile on her face as she clasped her hands together.

“Yes, Mother Ashby,” Cass said. Behind his patient tone was a hint of despair. The knowledge that he was losing his beloved grandmother to such a cruel disease was taking its toll on him. He was the strongest man I knew, physically and psychologically, but he wasn’t impenetrable. Like everyone else, he had his kryptonite, and the woman who’d raised him as her own was clearly on that list.

Before Cass could say anything else, Mrs. Ashby’s expression changed from one of delight to one of confusion in the blink of an eye.

“Chandler?” the old woman asked as she looked me up and down. “No!” Mrs. Ashby said sharply before snatching her hands back from Cass’s hold and trying to stand. Her wild gaze shifted from me to him. “Cassius, my little rose, come, you must hide. Your grandfather cannot know you are here!”

With surprising strength, Mrs. Ashby climbed to her feet and tried to drag Cass away from me. I remained completely still as I watched the scene unfold.

“Come,” she said desperately. She grabbed Cass’s wrist and struggled to pull him closer to her. “Chandler, you must stay in the closet no matter what! Your father isn’t angry with you, my little boy,” she whispered as she gently clasped his cheek. Tears began sliding down Mrs. Ashby’s face before she covered her eyes with her hands and began to sob.

“Mrs. Ashby,” Renly said calmly, forcing Patricia Ashby to focus on him instead of Cass. “Why don’t you lie down for a bit? I’m sure your grandson will come to see you again very soon.”

Her eyes kept shifting between me and Cass. “Chandler is here? Chandler?” she called.

Although Cassius’s legal first name was Chandler, he’d never let anyone refer to him by the name he shared not only with his father, but his grandfather as well. As Renly began walking past Cass, presumably to escort his grandmother to her room, Cass reached out to touch her arm. Patricia pulled back, her eyes now filled with hate.

Cass was visibly confused and upset at his grandmother’s behavior. She’d gone from confusing him with his grandfather to then thinking Cass was his father. The elder Chandler, Cass’s grandfather, had been the aggressor in both scenarios. Cass’s father had been the child she’d had to hide from her husband the first time around, then it had been Cass himself who she’d been trying to protect, this time from his grandfather. By the end, it hadn’t been clear which Chandler she’d suddenly seen when she’d looked at Cass.

It hadn’t really mattered, either, because the whole thing had rattled Cass to the point that he didn’t respond when I softly called his name. He was still watching Renly escort his grandmother from the room.

Renly and Cass’s grandmother hadn’t made it more than a dozen steps before the sound of light, quick footsteps echoed throughout the solarium. I couldn’t see who was coming toward us, but I used the distraction to watch Renly scowl as our unexpected guest nearly knocked over a delicate vase filled with perfectly arranged red roses in his attempt to reach us. Without warning, Renly suddenly released Mrs. Ashby completely and tried to nab the little boy who was sprinting toward Cass’s grandmother.

Cass instinctively moved to support his grandmother so she wouldn’t fall, but she stepped away from him as if he were the devil reincarnated. Hatred burned in her eyes as she took several unaided steps backwards.

The entire episode lasted mere seconds, but I garnered more information in those few seconds than I had from the entire visit. I couldn’t tell if Cass had noticed the same things I had because his back was to me.

Our visitor turned out to be a little boy, no older than four or five. He easily dodged Renly’s attempt to grab him and ran directly up to Cass’s grandmother. Once he reached her, though, he didn’t touch her or give her the piece of paper in his hand. Despite it still being daytime, the boy wasn’t wearing casual clothes meant for playtime; he was dressed in crisp blue trousers, a light blue button-down shirt, and a burgundy sleeveless vest. The cuffs of his shirt were buttoned as was the very top one at the collar. His feet weren’t tucked in canvas sneakers, but instead what looked like small leather shoes that matched what businessmen wore. All he needed was a briefcase and he’d be ready for Wall Street. I was certain that the outfit had to be some kind of school uniform, but there was no logo anywhere on it. It was possible he was too young to be in school yet, but that didn’t explain his clothing. Although what did I know about what the super-rich dressed their kids up in? The kid’s outfit probably cost more than my car.

Cass’s eyes were glued to the kid while his grandmother turned her head to look out the window instead of giving her attention to the little boy. She continued to stand on her own but the spark of fury in her eyes was gone and her body once again looked feeble and frail.

The child frowned in disappointment. “Mother Ashby, I sorry for ’sturbing you and your guests,” the boy said in a small voice. “What happened to your hair?”

Renly reached for the child and snatched him by the arm. The boy whimpered but otherwise remained silent as Renly whispered something into his ear before releasing him.

The boy rubbed the part of his arm that Renly had grabbed and then turned around and put his arms behind his back, the colorful picture still in his hands. He began walking back the same way he’d come. I could hear his sniffles, but he kept his spine straight and his head up.

Cass looked like he was going to throw up and I wanted desperately to move to his side and give him whatever support I could, but I forced myself to keep my emotions separate from the facts that I so badly needed.

“I’d love to see your picture,” I called to the little boy. Renly tried to intercept him again when the child glanced at me, but this time, Cass stepped between Renly and the kid. Renly began snapping his fingers at a maid standing by the entrance to the solarium. She immediately began hurrying forward.

To Renly, I hardened my voice for the first time and said, “Surely there’s no harm in allowing the child to show me his drawing.”

I could see Renly’s eyes darken with fury at my unspoken threat. He put his hand up to signal the maid to stop and then he returned to Mrs. Ashby’s side. The old woman was now watching the situation unfold. Cass, for his part, was staring at the child like he was seeing a ghost or some other apparition. The man I loved was in a complete state of shock, but I didn’t know why. It didn’t matter because he needed me and yet I couldn’t go to him. Not yet. The boy’s presence meant something, and I had to find out what because I would be of no help to Cass if I couldn’t figure out what was going on.

The kid walked quickly to me, clearly relieved. He kept glancing at Mrs. Ashby, who was still staring at all of us like she had no idea where she was.

When the boy reached me, I asked, “What’s your name?”

The child looked at Cass’s grandmother as if waiting for permission to speak to me. Mrs. Ashby had disengaged from the encounter and was holding on to Renly’s arm as he escorted her out a side door and into one of the endless rows of neatly trimmed rosebushes.

The boy watched the old woman leave. All the excitement he’d shown when he’d wanted to show off his picture was gone.

“It’s okay, Mother Ashby’s just a little tired right now, but I’m sure she’d love to see your picture tomorrow,” I said gently even as I shifted my gaze back and forth between Cass and the boy. I reached out to pick the little boy up so he could sit on my lap. He seemed surprised by the move but warmed up quickly and eventually leaned against my chest as he studied his picture.

When he handed it to me, he said, “It’s a rose. ’Cause Mother Ashby says I’m her little rose. Like the big ones out there,”—the boy pointed toward the garden of roses—“but little.”

“It’s a beautiful picture,” I told him. “Did you sign it?”

When the boy looked down at his picture in confusion, I used the opportunity to study Cass. He’d sat back down in his chair, but he looked ashen. He couldn’t take his eyes off the little boy in front of me.

“Sign?” the kid asked curiously.

“Yeah, every great artist signs their work with their name,” I explained. “What’s yours?”

The child looked around the room as if to make sure it was okay before answering with, “Channler Charles Ashby.” He held up four fingers.

“Do you mean Chandler Charles Ashby the Fourth?” I asked. Ice filled my veins when Charles nodded.

Even though all the direct male descendants of the very first Chandler Ashby shared the same first name, the fact that they had different middle names meant they didn’t need numbers after their names at all because suffixes were only needed when the full names matched perfectly. Either way, Cass was considered the fourth Chandler in the Ashby family. He’d mentioned his father having another son with a different wife, so that child would likely have not even had a suffix at all but if the Ashby patriarchs had decided to stray off the beaten path when it came to how their heirs were named and titled, it was foreseeable that they could have done the same with Charles. That meant that in the Ashby line, the little boy would have been the fifth Chandler.

But if the child was introducing himself as the fourth Chandler, that meant that Cass⁠—

Cass chose that moment to stand. In his haste, he knocked the metal chair over, startling Charles. Then he was striding down the walkway that led back to the main part of the mansion.

I was torn between leaving the child by himself in the suddenly empty solarium or trying to find someone to take him. Thankfully, a frazzled woman came running toward us.

“Charles!” she called. He jumped off my lap and ran to her. The woman and I shared a few brief words before I quickly said my goodbyes to the little boy and then all but ran to catch up to Cass.

I knew that even if I managed to catch up to him, it wouldn’t matter because my Cass had disappeared the second he’d seen Charles. To outsiders, he would look calm, but the knowledge that his beloved grandmother had seemingly replaced Cass with Charles meant one or more of the compartments inside his head would be all but ripped apart and then only one thing would happen.

All hell would break loose.

CHAPTER 27

Cass

The room I was in was virtually pitch dark, but my eyes, out of necessity, adjusted quickly. More importantly, my other senses kicked in. For once, I welcomed the darkness. I reveled in it. The silence of it. The protection it offered. Even though I was never truly safe, the little room that kept me locked away from the rest of the world was the only friend I had. It literally had my back.

I took a long drag on the bottle of beer that was in my hand and finished it. I knew it wasn’t real. None of it was ever real. But at some point, my brain had started giving me little gifts like a frosty cold beer or a greasy burger that was so big I could barely open my mouth wide enough to take a bite of it. There was never any taste to it or the beer, though, so I’d never understood why my own brain would sabotage me. And what the fuck was the useless organ doing by giving me a beer? A beer? Why not a strawberry milkshake that was so thick it took a spoon to “drink” it down?

I turned and flung the imaginary bottle at the wall. I loved the burn in my upper arm. That wasn’t imaginary. Releasing my rage wasn’t something I did often but when I did, it gave me memories, not fantasies. I could smell the freshly cut grass even though I couldn’t feel it. I could hear the crash of the waves even though I couldn’t see them. My entire body felt the powerful idle of my Mustang, even though the car would be beyond my reach for the rest of my days.

Unfortunately, there were some memories I wished I’d never remember, no matter how much rage or hate I threw back at the world that had forsaken me.

One memory in particular played on a loop inside my head during my forays into reality.

It included the tentative, soft brush of inexperienced lips against my own.

“Sorry, I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve never kissed⁠—”

I slammed my hand against the side of my head, hoping to banish those words, those touches, forever.

I chugged the next beer before throwing it against another wall, or maybe the same one. I wasn’t sure. Just as I reached for the third imaginary beer, my instincts kicked in.

It, or rather who, was just what I needed. There was nothing imaginary about the soft, slow footsteps coming up behind me. The unintelligible words that were spoken didn’t matter. It was the same old story but a different dance. For once, I was grateful for whatever piece of shit seeking his fifteen minutes of fame had been locked in my cage with me. It didn’t matter what kind of weapon the guards had given the guy; it wouldn’t change a damn thing. Maybe there’d come a day where it did change things. Maybe there’d be a day where I’d spend every minute of every hour with that beautiful loop running through my head and then I’d let it all go forever.

I’d want my pick of guys, though. It would be someone whose perversions hurt kids. There were plenty of those kinds of guys available in my reality. Regrettably, I’d probably be given only one guy to take out of this world. Hopefully he’d be the worst of the worst. I’d let him take my life with whatever killing tool he’d been given, but I’d make sure he’d feel the cut of the blade so he’d be right behind me as we made the fiery journey to hell.

I let the bottle of beer I’d been reaching for disappear in a wisp of smoke. I prepared to adjust my eyes to the bright lights if the guards decided they wanted to watch the show in full color rather than the less enjoyable night vision.

I closed my eyes and focused on using the senses I had available to me to locate my attacker who was behind me. Oddly enough, while I normally kept my back to the wall in the corner of my cell, today was different. I liked the idea of leaving my back exposed… almost like I was drawing my attacker in. I pulled his smell into my nostrils, fully expecting the scent to be foul and nauseating, not woodsy and clean. I brushed the oddity off and listened for the footsteps that would tell me which direction my attacker was coming from. The cement floor would make it next to impossible to hear but I knew where every groove and pebble of concrete was in the room. If the guy was heavy enough, I’d hear one of those pebbles crunch beneath his weight and I’d know where he was. If he was a heavy breather, that would also do the trick.

Cass.

There it was again. The voice…

The asshole was talking to me in a gentle tone like I was some kind of wild animal caught in a trap and he was trying to set it free. The fucker had no clue that I wasn’t the one who was trapped.

As I sensed him getting closer and closer based on just his smell, I remained where I was, leaving my back completely exposed. Energy pulsed through me.

I didn’t wait for the guy to touch me. Not with his hands and not with whatever lethal toy he’d made himself or the guards had given him so there’d be more of a show for them to watch.

I spun around, bringing my elbow down hard on the man’s left arm before spinning us so I could shove the man’s face into the concrete wall. I expected the guy to scream as his nose broke from hitting the stone, but all he did was let out a soft moan.

Cass.

The sound of my name being whispered like it was coming from the heavens themselves caught me off guard. I quickly recognized the trick for what it was and jerked the guy around and slammed him against the wall again, hard enough to temporarily steal his breath. I quickly ran my free hand over his body to look for his weapon but found none.

“They didn’t really give you much of a chance,” I growled.

Cass, sweetheart, I need you to open your eyes. I need you to hear me.

The familiar voice threw me off my game for a second time. How the fuck were the guards managing it?

“It’s not real,” I whispered beneath my breath. The guards were always trying to find my weak points but to use that voice to distract me…

I didn’t allow myself to react because if they knew about that… about him, I’d be exposing my jugular and that would be it. I took my fury out on my now defenseless would-be attacker. I’d never killed any of the men who’d wanted a crack at besting me and making a name for themselves among their fellow inmate buddies, but I’d always left enough proof behind to make sure that the fifteen minutes in the spotlight the guys had wanted wouldn’t be the good kind of fifteen minutes.

Today was different, though. They’d come after me with a new kind of weapon, his voice, and I had to shut that down now or I wouldn’t survive even one more day in this place. And I needed to survive. I couldn’t explain why, but it just was. When I was ready to enter the bowels of hell, it’d be on my terms, not theirs.

I wrapped my fingers around the man’s neck. It was thinner than I expected, but what did it matter? A killer was a killer and someday I’d be one for real. I’d already been branded one, so why not turn fiction into fact? Who knew if I’d get this chance again?

Cass, please open your eyes for me, the man begged. Something sent surges of electricity through my head.

God, how were they doing this? Had I gone mad like they’d promised me I would? I could feel the man’s fingers wrapped around my wrists, but he wasn’t fighting to get free. Why not? The man was facing the last moments of his life and yet he wasn’t struggling as his oxygen was slowly being cut off.

“Butterflies,” the man before me said hoarsely. “You don’t like butterflies. I promised to always protect you and that means from butterflies too.”

Holy hell, I’d completely lost it. All of this was some kind of insane dream. I released the man as my head began to pound harder and harder. I could hear coughing and gagging sounds, but I now knew that they weren’t real.

Or were they?

What the fuck was real?

Was I even real anymore?

I backed up the thirteen steps it would take to reach my cot. It wasn’t thirteen steps, though. It was more like five or six before my legs hit something. I knew everything about my cell. I knew the way it smelled. I knew that the single drip of water falling from the faucet was always exactly forty seconds apart. I knew how many steps it took to get to the toilet and the sink.

So why five or six steps and not thirteen?

And butterflies? Butterflies?

I hadn’t realized that I’d spoken the word aloud until that voice, that now hoarse voice, said, “Tell me about the butterflies, Cass. What don’t you like about them?”

“What’s happening?” I whispered because I felt like I was spinning around in circles and if I stopped, I’d never be able to regain my footing.

“The butterflies. They’re beautiful, aren’t they?”

I nodded. The voice was right. They really were beautiful. Even as I considered the thought, my stomach began to twist in on itself.

“Why don’t you like the butterflies?”

Exhaustion hit me like a ton of bricks. Why was I thinking about butterflies? How did the voice even know about them? I’d never told anyone…

Several images flashed through my brain all at once and I could barely make sense of any of them. I closed my eyes and tried to focus on just one of them. It was an old, grainy photograph.

“My mother,” I murmured as I studied the picture so it would never leave me again. The woman was pretty. Dark feathery hair that fell just below her ears, a big wide smile—the natural kind someone had when they were caught off guard by the flash of the photographer’s lens. She was holding a baby in her arms.

“She’s wearing a hospital gown,” I murmured as the picture became clearer and clearer. “She’s smiling like… like she’s really happy.” I couldn’t take my eyes off the picture and that was when I saw it. “A butterfly,” I whispered. “She has… she has a butterfly on her arm.”

“Do you mean a tattoo?”

I nodded. “It’s so beautiful. She’s so beautiful.”

The darkness in my head began to clear and one of the other images started to come together. Sitting on a log, the peace and quiet of the woods around us… us.

“JJ?” I whispered. I still couldn’t see anyone except the people in my head. But I knew the man sitting on the log next to me. I would always know him because he was a part of me. I was so afraid that it wouldn’t be his voice that answered. Or maybe I was afraid it would be his voice. I didn’t know what I was anymore.

“Yeah, baby, it’s me,” I heard JJ say, his voice cracking. Why was he so upset? Had someone hurt him?

“Can you open your eyes for me, my love?” he pleaded.

The endearment was what convinced me that maybe my eyes weren’t open like I thought they’d been. And that it was JJ who was asking me to open them. Even if it was some fucked-up way to finally send me over the line that separated the sane from the insane, maybe that was a good thing. Maybe insanity meant all I’d ever see, feel, touch, and hear would be gone. I’d be gone long before my life ended in a rotting, putrid cell. Maybe insanity meant I’d get to be with JJ forever.

Insane or not, JJ wanted me to open my eyes. I only knew one way to do that, so I allowed my senses to take in my cell’s sounds and smells.

They were all wrong. There was no foul stench, no dripping faucet. I couldn’t remember sitting down but I was, and the mattress beneath me was thick and soft. I could smell sandalwood. And the sound… it was the lapping of water against something.

“Cass, please,” I heard JJ beg.

He was in front of me. Even if it was all a dream, I didn’t care; I wanted to see him. It seemed to take forever to open my eyes because I was afraid of what I’d see. A dark cell, iron bars, guards looking at me like I was some kind of exhibit for their amusement.

But I had to see him. I needed to see the face of the man who’d stolen into my mind whenever I’d needed him; I needed to hear him tell me he was mine and I was his.

Forever.

“JJ?” I repeated, this time more clearly.

“It’s me, Cass. It’s really me. I promise. Just open those beautiful eyes of yours and we’ll be together again.”

I nodded because JJ didn’t lie to me. JJ loved⁠—

The return to the present was like a thousand tiny bombs going off in my head at the same time.

JJ loves me. He told me so just this morning⁠—

Reality hit me like a ton of bricks as I opened my eyes. There’d been no prison cell. There’d been no attacker. I hadn’t put my hands around a would-be assailant’s throat.

I’d put them around JJ’s.

“Jesus fucking Christ,” I shouted as I stepped backwards. There was no stepping backwards though because I was sitting. I was sitting on a mattress that was ten times thicker than the one in my cell.

I tried to stand but everything began to spin and then I was back on my ass on the mattress. Gentle fingers wrapped around my elbow, steadying me.

“Cass, I’m fine—” JJ began as his hand closed over mine. I automatically yanked it away and scrambled back to put distance between us.

“I was going to kill you,” I said in complete and utter disbelief. How had I not known that it had been JJ the whole time? I should have known on some instinctual level.

“Cass, I swear to you⁠—”

“Your neck,” I said in a guttural voice that didn’t sound anything like my own. The red marks on JJ’s neck would turn blue in a matter of hours. So would the cheek that had hit the wall when I’d slammed him into it. Blood trickled down from a gash on his temple.

Blood I’d made his body shed.

Me. Not the falsely accused me. Me. Here and now.

I’d tried to kill him.

No, not try.

I’d been killing him by slowly cutting off his oxygen. If his voice hadn’t reached me, his lifeless body would be lying at my feet.

“No!” I shouted in denial. I clambered off the bed and got as far away from JJ as I could. The wall stopped me. Not a concrete one, though. JJ was coming toward me, but there was no escape because I was cornered. During my outburst, I’d instinctively sought out the safest place in the room.

The corner.

The corner that’d always had my back, both literally and figuratively. I slid down the wall until I was sitting on my ass.

JJ was in front of me a split second later. He grabbed my face. I tried to pull free, but his grip was hard, painful even. “You listen to me right now, Cassius Ashby,” he bit out. He was pissed. Really pissed. “You promised to love me and that it would be forever. Nothing I did and nothing I’m going to do will ever change that. That’s what you said. Did you mean that or were those words a lie?”

“No,” I said with a violent shake of my head. “Not lies.”

JJ’s voice had softened a little, but he was still angry. “Last night after you told me you loved me, you also said you had to tell me some things that you knew were going to hurt me, but they were things you couldn’t keep inside any longer or they’d fester between us.”

I knew where he was going with this. “It’s not the same, JJ⁠—”

“Shut the fuck up, Cass,” he snapped. “You don’t get to say it isn’t the same thing until you hear what I have to say. You saw me at my worst, and you assumed that you had all the answers to explain away my behavior, right?”

I nodded but didn’t say anything because I owed JJ my silence.

“I wasn’t in a coma because of the bullet. The doctors put me in a medically induced coma to give my brain time to heal but then they couldn’t bring me out of it. When I finally did wake up, I saw Sully and all these strangers looking down at me like I was some fucked-up science experiment. Sully was the first one to explain what had happened, but I didn’t understand him. Not that day or the next or the one after that. So not only couldn’t I talk, I also couldn’t process, I couldn’t think. I was just… stuck.”

JJ eased himself to the floor so he was sitting next to me. He slowly ran the fingers of his right hand along the inside of my forearm until his fingers were linked with mine.

“It took another six months of speech therapy, psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists, and pretty much every other type of doctor to get to me to a place where I understood that I’d been shot and while I would be okay, I had to learn how to do certain things over. By then, my brain had healed enough for me to process things. That should have been a good thing, right?”

I shook my head because I knew JJ to his core. He was a survivor, but he was also a realist. He would have known what was in store for him to become “okay.”

“Every baby step of progress that I made was applauded as if I’d just won an Olympic medal or something. My voice was the last thing I got back. The first thing I wanted to do was scream at the top of my lungs that none of those people had saved me. They’d condemned me to a life I hadn’t wanted. I hadn’t been able to tell them that in the beginning, though. I couldn’t even write a note to say I wanted a DNR form. I was literally a prisoner of my own body.”

The idea that JJ hadn’t wanted any life-saving measures to be performed in the event his heart stopped beating or he was no longer able to breathe on his own made me sick to my stomach.

“When I was released from the hospital, there was this huge crowd of people waiting for me. A lot of them had signs that said they loved me. Officers I’d never met were there by the hundreds. One microphone after another was thrust in front of me. I was a hero. Not one of those people seemed to get the fact that I hadn’t done anything heroic. I’d been shot, I’d bled out on the street, and the paramedics, surgeons, nurses, and pretty much everyone in the hospital behind me had put my body back together. They’d been the heroes. And yet there I was being celebrated as if I’d done something to earn those people’s adoration. The whole thing made me sick. There were officers sacrificing their lives in the line of duty every day and yet I was the hero,” JJ scoffed.

“I didn’t know how to compartmentalize, though. I blamed everyone for what my life had become. I hated all those doctors and nurses and other medical workers, I hated the EMTs who’d gotten my heart started while I’d been lying there in the street, and most of all, I hated the media because they had no idea what I’d become. Hell, they probably would have sold even more papers if they had known.”

JJ lifted his hands and separated them as if scanning a billboard or marquee.

“Hero cop found frequenting gay bars. Medical miracle officer engaging in gay sex with strangers,” JJ called out as if he were actually reading the headline. “After that, the tabloid fodder would have begun. Do you have any idea how many pictures of guys fucking me in dirty bathroom stalls would have ended up on the internet? What would that have done to my brother’s fledgling business? What would he have thought about what I was really doing every night when I told him I was going to hang out with some buddies at a bar to watch the game?”

JJ paused and drew in a deep breath to calm himself before continuing.

“I didn’t compartmentalize. I played one role during the day and another at night. Losing even that small piece of my past made it feel like I’d lost all of it. My mind would convince me that the life I’d led up until the moment where everything went blank was some kind of lie or trick that my brain had come up with. Sometimes I still don’t know how to reconcile all the different versions of myself that have popped up. At one point I wondered if I might have that multiple disorder thing, but when I looked it up, it said people who suffered from it were being protected by alternate personas who took over when the person couldn’t deal with something. I knew all my personas. I was in the driver’s seat the entire time.”

Releasing his fingers from mine, he used one to stroke over my cheek. “Until you,” he said softly. “You saw them all and you accepted them, even if you didn’t agree with them. You saw something in me that was worth fighting for, but it wasn’t something you could do for me. All you could give me was the promise of a tomorrow that would someday be different. You took all the bullshit I threw at you, and you accepted it. You loved me anyway. You hurt when I hurt, you celebrated when I celebrated.” JJ paused for several beats. “You loved when I loved.”

“I would have killed you, JJ,” I admitted in a shameful whisper. “I hurt your arm, I slammed you against the wall, I put my hands around your⁠—”

JJ gently grabbed my chin so he could force me to look at him. He brushed his mouth over mine. “Sweetheart, you’re forgetting one piece of pretty important information,” he said with a soft smile. “You may be stronger than me, but believe me, I’ve taken down bigger guys than you. Tactical training was kind of a requirement in the academy, and I’ve had years to put that training to good use.” He grinned victoriously.

Despite the ugliness of what had just gone down between us, I couldn’t help but let some of JJ’s cheekiness rub off on me.

“So you’re saying you can take me down?” I asked.

“Remind me to give you a little demonstration of my skills when we have a very big bed in a very empty location and a very remote place where no one can hear your screams,” he said with a slight arch of his eyebrows. The idea of wrestling a naked JJ for the prize of who got to be in control in bed eased the cramping in my stomach.

“I’m going to hold you to that,” I responded. My eyes fell from the bruise forming on his cheek to the welts on his neck, and I couldn’t keep myself from running my fingers over the red marks. “Why didn’t you stop me?” I asked in all seriousness.

“Because you needed me,” JJ responded.

“I don’t understand,” I said. His words made no sense.

“You were back in that place. That fucking cold, ugly place where the only thing you needed to do was survive. But this time you needed something else. Something you put away in one of those boxes in your head.” JJ ran his fingers along my temple and then through my hair.

“You needed me to come for you, Cass,” he said softly as silent tears began to slip down his face. “You were waiting for me to fix everything and get you out of that place. That’s what I was trying to do. I couldn’t let you spend even one more second in⁠—”

I captured JJ’s mouth and kissed him over and over again, sometimes by just brushing my lips over his, other times by slanting my mouth over his and letting our tongues dance for the briefest of moments. I forced myself to end the kiss because my body was already responding to his proximity and neither of us were in a place to do anything about it.

Still, that didn’t stop me from staring at JJ. It was the only thing I could do. The only thing I wanted to do.

He’d come for me. It may not have been the scenario I’d envisioned in those early days, but as soon as he had been able to get to me, he’d unlocked the door, taken my hand, and led me from the depths of hell and into the warm, welcoming rays of the sun.

JJ had come for me.

I was free.

Finally, truly free.

CHAPTER 28

Jj

“It’s a mistake,” Cass repeated for what had to be the tenth time. He was pacing in my brother’s office, his expression ping-ponging between confusion and denial. Sully was on his second scotch, his eyes shifting from Cass to the bruises on my throat and face. I’d chosen to wear long sleeves so there would be one less bruise for both men to have to look at.

After the incident at the houseboat, I’d called Sully to let him know we were heading to his office. My brother had been waiting outside the building for us. Cass had been closer to him, so Sully had hugged him first, not noticing how on edge he was. I’d been next. My brother had been so relieved to see me that he hadn’t noticed the red marks on my face and throat, or the small butterfly bandages on my left temple.

Sully’s bear hug had both warmed me and left me carrying a lot of guilt. I’d whispered the words “I’m sorry” to him, but he’d surprised me by telling me not to be sorry because I’d done what I’d needed to do.

The implication that Sully was finally accepting the fact that I no longer needed to be taken care of had been short-lived when he’d seen my injuries. I’d told him it wasn’t important who’d given them to me, but Overprotective Sully had instantly reappeared, and the moment he’d looked at Cass only to have Cass look away from both of us, my big brother had known.

I’d known I wouldn’t be able to physically hold on to Sully so I could explain everything, so I’d resorted to using a few tactical moves on my brother that hadn’t actually hurt him but that had gotten his attention, nonetheless. It hadn’t hurt that the young man who worked as my brother’s assistant had noticed the scuffle from his desk in the lobby and had called for reinforcements.

Since I knew how ashamed Cass felt for what he’d unintentionally done to me, I’d also known that he wouldn’t have defended himself from Sully’s attack. So I’d been glad when a few of Sully’s own men had exited the building. Boone had been among them and when I’d given him a quick nod in Cass’s direction, the imposing man had understood my message, and he and the other guys had formed a protective barrier between Sully and Cass.

When my brother had finally promised me to keep his trap shut and his fists at his side, we’d gone up to Sully’s office. Boone was lingering outside the open door in case of a scuffle, a move that I was grateful for. Knowing I had someone at my back allowed me to focus entirely on Cass. So far, Sully was keeping his promise, but without the information he needed, the unknown was causing him to reach for the scotch he kept on his desk. Luckily, he was leaving a significant amount of time between drinks. The last thing I needed was Drunk Overprotective Sully.

Before I could say anything, there were a couple of knocks on the open door. All three of us looked at Boone only to see Mikey, my brother’s assistant, enter the room.

“I’m sorry for the intrusion but I thought you guys might need some water and a few snacks while you talked,” the young man said crisply. Mikey moved quickly and efficiently as he set several bottles of water on Sully’s desk along with some sandwiches that looked freshly made. He also took a few cans of soda out of the bag everything had been in.

The tension in the room was heavy and the absolute silence was unexpected. The fact that, for once, none of it appeared to have anything to do with me and Cass was unbelievable. My brother’s frigid expression as he stared at Mikey didn’t surprise me. What did surprise me was the fact that Mikey didn’t cringe or scurry away because of the scowl that had become Sully’s resting face at some point in his life.

“Thank you,” I said to Mikey.

“No problem,” he returned. He seemed pained, but I wasn’t sure if it was because of what had happened outside or if something else was troubling him. I expected Mikey to leave as quickly and silently as he’d come but to my disbelief, he walked around Sully’s desk and just as my brother lifted what would have been his third drink, Mikey plucked the glass from his thick fingers. Then, without a single word, he grabbed the bottle of scotch with his other hand and walked out of the office.

I turned to look at Sully only to see a bemused smile on his face. The second he saw me watching him, his scowl returned.

“Cass,” I said as I reached for one of the bottles of water. “Baby, come sit down. You haven’t slept or eaten, and we need you to help us talk through all this.” Cass was still pacing and seemed out of it, so I gently reached out to grab his fingers as he walked past me. The move had him stopping in his tracks. He looked at me, then Sully. It was like he was seeing us for the first time.

“Cass,” I repeated. “Please.” I nodded to the chair next to mine. I’d already turned it and the one I was sitting in so he and I would mostly be looking at each other as we spoke. He’d have a clear view of the open door, but he’d have to turn his head to look at Sully.

Which I figured was a good thing.

Cass released my fingers, but to my relief, he sat down in the chair. One leg was tapping nonstop, and his fingers kept flexing into fists. I opened the bottle of water for him. He took it without argument and drank down several gulps even as his free hand remained locked in a fist and the foot tapping continued.

“Let’s start from the beginning,” I said, touching Cass’s knee in the process so he’d focus on me. Cass looked at me and then around the room. He closed his eyes and pulled in several deep breaths. I couldn’t help but wonder how many times he’d had to do the same move in order to remain calm in his prison cell.

After his break from reality on the houseboat, we’d spent the remainder of the day getting cleaned up and then going to sleep. I hadn’t gotten much sleep but thankfully, Cass had been out all night. As soon as he’d woken up, his brain had gone back into overdrive. He’d been so inside his head that he’d allowed me to drive his car to the office.

When he opened his eyes and looked at me, I began with, “The first time you went to see your grandmother, did it take as long to get past the guard at the gate as it did when you and I went?”

Cass was quiet for a moment before he nodded. “The guard working that day was the same one as today. Owen. He’s been working for the family for around twenty years, I think. That first time, he did recognize me before he asked to see my ID. I guess he would’ve had to have been living under a rock to not know who I was.” He’d relaxed his hands, but only so he could pick at the small cuts on his knuckles. Since he hadn’t punched me during his attack, I had to assume he’d taken his rage out on something on the boat before he’d sought out the corner of the bedroom.

“But he still made you show him your ID that day.”

“Yes,” Cass said. “It was always standard procedure for visitors.”

“Family too?”

“No,” he responded. “Family members either had an opener for the gate or were waved through.”

“What about when you’d visit your grandmother while you were still in the military?” I asked.

Cass shook his hand. “I don’t understand.” I had his complete attention now.

“When you’d come home when you were on leave, did it take as long to get through the gate as it did today and last week?”

“No. I had an opener back then but if there was any reason I didn’t have it on me, I would get waved through like the rest of the family. I guess it took so long today and the last time because maybe…” Cass’s words dropped off.

“… maybe they didn’t trust you? Renly and other family members were concerned you’d hurt your grandmother?”

“Maybe. Yeah, I guess so. But I haven’t seen any family besides my grandmother since I was released. As far as I know, my father still lives in his penthouse in the city, and all my cousins, uncles, aunts… they either live in one of the other houses on my grandmother’s estate or they’ve taken up residence at the houses and apartments that the Ashby companies own all over the world.”

“What about me?” I asked. “Owen must have recognized me, but he didn’t ask for my ID like he did yours. He spent a lot of time on the phone before he opened the gate. Did that happen the first time too? The time you were alone?”

Cass was silent for several beats. He’d stopped picking at his skin, but he was still tapping his foot. “Yes,” he finally responded. “I guess I didn’t think much of it. I was nervous about seeing my grandmother. I didn’t think…”

“You didn’t think she’d want to see you?”

“Yeah, I figured she’d be afraid of me. Ashamed,” Cass said, his voice cracking. The reminder of how much he loved his grandmother made me want to stop asking the questions I needed to ask because I didn’t want to inflict any more pain on him. I wasn’t sure if his mind had started putting together the pieces of what had happened the previous day but by the time we were done talking, he’d be facing some hard truths.

“Was Renly the one to greet you both times?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“Was he alone or was there any kind of other staff with him or nearby? Security guards or maybe guys that looked like they did other things around the house? Landscaping guys, those valets⁠—”

“No,” Cass interrupted. “He wasn’t nervous around me at all. He even left me alone with my grandmother. At one point, I went to find him so he could tell me more about her condition. He was waiting by the front door like he usually did when guests were being expected or they were already in the house. That first visit, I had full access to the house. I thought I could use that time to snoop around and maybe even find a relative and get myself invited to the family’s next social event. But no one was there.” He paused briefly. “In the past, it always seemed like the house was full of people who were there just to kiss my grandmother’s ass to get some money out of her.”

Cass took another few swallows from the bottle of water. Thankfully, Sully had remained silent.

“I figured maybe they were trying to keep Mother Ashby’s illness a secret from the rest of the family,” Cass added.

“Who do you mean by they?”

“My father and Renly. My father because he would rather see her locked behind closed doors for the rest of her life than tarnish the Ashby name by announcing that one of the country’s most beloved philanthropists was losing her mind. Renly, he would have done it out of loyalty.”

The bitter way Cass talked about his father and the man’s treatment of his own mother told me he was still locked in denial about several important facts.

“There were no security guards today, either,” I pointed out. “The guard at the gate saw you what, a week ago? You said he spent a lot of time on the phone talking to someone before he opened the gate for you last time. He did the same thing this time. Do you know why he was stalling?”

“Stalling?” Cass asked in surprise. It was the first sign of emotion in his voice.

“It made sense for that first call to take so long if Renly or whoever was in charge of security for the estate needed to call your father to determine whether or not to let you through. Maybe they were having trouble finding the right person who was authorized to make those kinds of decisions. But to do the same thing a week later after you had already proven you weren’t a threat to your grandmother? You said Renly left you alone with her on the first visit. If he wasn’t worried about leaving her alone with you, why wouldn’t he have told whoever was in charge that you could just be waved through the gate the next time you visited? Why didn’t he give you an opener for the gate?”

Cass went silent for several minutes. I could see Sully was getting impatient because he just wanted answers, but I knew this was something Cass needed to do. He needed to think. He needed to put aside the event that had triggered his breakdown and focus on one question at a time. It was easier said than done.

I sent Sully a warning look.

“Renly stayed,” Cass said softly. “He stayed this time when I… we were there with her.”

“But he left you alone with your grandmother on the first visit. Do you think he stayed this time because I was with you, and he thought I might be a threat to her?”

He was quiet for several long beats. Instead of answering my question, he said, “Renly never served the tea before. Not once from the time I was a kid. He never brought it, either. A maid usually did all of that. And you… Owen recognized you. I heard him say your name when he was talking on the phone. He should have checked your ID no matter what. And security guards should have been waiting for us at the house to check whether you were carrying any weapons, especially since you used to be a cop. My word wouldn’t have been enough to get you through. At least one security guard should have been with us at all times. That was always the policy when nonfamily members visited. The only person the rule didn’t apply to was my father.”

“Did Renly have the power to tell the security team to stand down?” I asked.

Cass shook his head. “No, not in the past, anyway. I guess maybe things could be different now.”

“Let’s assume that for whatever reason, Renly didn’t tell your father about your first visit with your grandmother, okay? There might not have been any security guards, but there were still a number of people working at the estate when we got there. Most of them probably recognized you. They wouldn’t have cared that you were an Ashby. Several of them probably would have only seen you as a multiple murderer who got off on a technicality. Isn’t it strange that none of them called 911 out of fear for themselves or your grandmother?” I asked. “When we were there yesterday, none of the maids looked at you and me directly, but they also didn’t shy away from you. They seemed tense around Renly, though. Did you notice that?”

Cass didn’t answer me. His agitation began to build. I didn’t try to stop him when he began to pick at his skin again and tapped his foot more quickly. They were the only coping mechanisms that were keeping him as calm as possible, given the circumstances. As much as I hated to do it, I knew I needed to fast-forward things.

“Your grandmother looked and acted the same way today as she did the last time you visited, right?” I asked.

“Mostly. She did seem quieter in the beginning. And when she thought I was my father and then my grandfather and she was trying to hide me… none of that made sense. I mean, it could make sense because she has dementia; I think seeing people or situations that aren’t real is part of the disease.”

Cass lifted his eyes for the first time and held my gaze. “That stuff just comes with the territory, doesn’t it?”

I knew what Cass wanted, needed my answer to be. It was written into his expression.

Despair.

Disbelief.

Denial.

I wanted so badly to tell him the words he needed to hear but I couldn’t lie to him. As badly as I wanted to protect him, I couldn’t risk letting him live a lie. I knew firsthand what happened when a person tried to do that.

So instead of answering him, I forced myself to continue with my line of questioning.

“Did you come out as gay to your family at any point?” I asked.

Cass shook his head. “There was no point. I knew how they felt about gay people. There’d been a few men and women, distant relatives, who’d been cut off because they didn’t hide their sexuality. They got cut off financially and no one in the family would speak to them, even their parents.”

“What about your grandmother?” I asked. “How would she have reacted?”

He shrugged. “I’m not sure. I think she would have been okay with it because it was my father and grandfather who were homophobic. All she ever did was try to protect me. I think she even donated money and sat on the boards of some foundations supporting the LGBTQ community.”

I pulled in a deep breath. “Cass, we agreed that when I walked into that place with you, it would be as a cop and not your lover.”

Cass nodded.

“I saw things that I’m not sure you did. Things I wouldn’t have wanted to see if I’d been in your position.”

“Like what?” he asked tentatively. I could already tell he wasn’t going to believe me. Not at first, anyway.

“Your grandmother stiffened whenever we touched. Even when she had her back turned to us, she could see everything that was happening in the reflection of the glass. When we talked about how we were working through stuff so we could be together… she heard that. Really heard it.”

Cass shook his head. “No, you saw her. She wasn’t in her right mind. The way she thought I was still in school, that shit about me being my father, then my grandfather or whatever the fuck all that was about. How could she be aware of some things, but not others?”

I could practically feel Sully tensing the louder Cass’s voice got as he stuck up for his grandmother.

“There were some other things that didn’t make sense. When we got there, her nightgown was dirty and her hair was messy, right?”

Cass nodded. “Renly said she spent a lot of her time in the garden.”

“Did she wear gloves?” I asked.

“What?”

“Gloves. Gardening gloves?”

“What the fuck does that matter?” Cass shouted. He jumped to his feet, knocking the open bottle of water to the floor in the process.

“Hey, you watch how you—” Sully began as he too stood.

“Sully, shut up!” I snapped before directing my attention back to Cass. I didn’t give a shit about what my brother was feeling at the moment.

“Cass, I need you to take some deep breaths and just listen, okay? Please.”

He had moved to the wall closest to the door where Boone was still standing. I suspected being near the open door made Cass feel less trapped. I hated that I was the one making the walls close in on him. His eyes were glued to the floor, and he was sucking in breath after breath, but he nodded.

“Do you remember the widow who lived across the street from me and Sully and Dad? Sully mowed her lawn to make extra money. She spent a lot of time in her garden. People who work in gardens on a regular basis get dirt under their nails. They don’t wear gloves because they like to feel the dirt in their hands. That means the dirt gets into the divots and cracks of the skin around the fingertips. It’s almost impossible to get off in one sitting. Their nails get chipped and cracked. Your grandmother’s nails were spotless. Yes, there were spots of dirt on the backs of her hands, but it doesn’t make sense how they would have gotten there. If her fingers were perfectly clean, wouldn’t her entire hands have been the same? Her hands smelled like soap and lotion. Her nails were perfectly shaped, not cracked and broken. Her hair was a mess, but I could smell the shampoo or hair products. That stuff had to have been applied in the last twenty-four hours⁠—”

“Stop it!” Cass shouted. “What you’re saying means nothing!”

I continued as if he hadn’t interrupted me. “When she picked up her tea, she held it perfectly still while she took a sip. Her movements were slow and graceful, like someone who’d been drinking tea from delicate cups their entire life. The rest of the time she was visibly trembling.”

“It proves nothing,” Cass said adamantly.

“Both times you went there, the gate guard, Owen, kept you waiting at least ten minutes. Enough time for someone to get themselves cleaned up. It would also be enough time to do the opposite… go from clean and finely dressed to disheveled and dirty. But things like muscle memory can’t just be turned on and off. Those things stay with you unless your body or mind have experienced actual physical damage. Something like picking up a nearly full, hot cup of tea from a delicate saucer, drinking from it without spilling even a drop, and returning it to where it belonged is an example of muscle memory.”

“Shut the fuck up, JJ. You’re just doing this because⁠—”

“Because why, Cass? Because I want to hurt you? Because I want to confuse you or make you rethink certain parts of your life?” I took a few steps toward him but stopped when he put his hand out.

“Don’t,” he croaked. “Just don’t.”

I would’ve given anything to do what he wanted—to stop. But that wasn’t what he needed. He needed to accept the truth.

“You saw yourself in that little boy, didn’t you?” I asked. “Charles.”

Cass shook his head and dropped his eyes. “JJ, please,” he whispered.

“JJ,” Sully said from somewhere behind me. I could hear his unspoken warning for me to back off.

“Get out,” I said firmly as I kept my eyes on Cass. When there was no movement behind me, I shouted, “Sully, get out! Now!”

The sound of my brother’s heavy footsteps moving didn’t give me any sense of victory. I saw him in my peripheral vision but didn’t take my eyes off Cass. The second Sully was gone, I nodded to Boone who slowly shut the door. I strode over to it and flipped the lock.

I turned my attention back to Cass, who hadn’t moved. I suspected he was trying to mentally crawl into one of his little compartments. The fact that I was the one forcing him in there was killing me, but another box that he would have to learn to live in was unacceptable to me.

“Charles,” I said softly. “Chandler Charles Ashby the Fourth.”

Cass flinched with every name I called out, including the number at the end. “Weren’t you the fourth?” I asked. “The fourth Chandler who would live up to the name that had been bestowed upon him?”

When Cass didn’t respond or even look up, I continued with, “Mother Ashby. Mother Ashby. ‘Mother’ because that’s who she wanted you to see her as and ‘Ashby’ to remind you that she wasn’t your mother? Was that how it worked?”

“She loved me, you fucker!” Cass snarled and then he was in my face and shoving me back against the door. “She was… is my mother! I took you there to show her that I was⁠—”

“Was what?” I interjected. Cass still had a hold of my shirt and my back was pressed painfully against the door, but I didn’t try to defend myself. “That you were happy? That you were okay?” I snapped. “Or maybe you wanted her to see that you’d made nice with the guy you supposedly tried to kill, and she’d let you come home?”

“That place was never my home!” Cass yelled. He shoved himself away from me. “She was my home,” he said quietly as he ran his fingers through his hair. “You and your family were my home.”

“We are your home,” I said softly.

If he heard me, he didn’t acknowledge my words. The way he held himself wasn’t the Cass I knew. The man before me was broken. Lost.

I had done that.

I had pushed too hard. I was trying to force him to admit something he wasn’t mentally prepared to do. “Cass, I’m sorry⁠—”

“You have so much power over me, JJ,” Cass cut in. “I don’t think you even know how much.” He returned to the chair he’d been sitting in. I slowly returned to mine but didn’t touch him or dare to interrupt him. His words, his demeanor—they were scaring me.

Cass was hunched over, his elbows on his knees, his hands holding each side of his head like he was in pain. “I would do anything for you,” he went on to say. My throat felt like it was going to close up because his words had such finality to them.

“Cass, please,” I whispered. I’d promised myself I would let him talk without interruption, but if I’d brought about the demise of the most important thing in my life, the most important person in my life… “I shouldn’t have pushed so hard. I shouldn’t have been treating this like an interrogation. You needed me to⁠—”

“JJ?”

“Yeah?” I responded shakily.

“It’s my turn to talk now, okay?” His words were gentle, soft.

Too gentle.

Too soft.

I’d never been in a relationship before, so I didn’t know how the whole breaking up thing happened, but it sure as shit felt like this was one of those moments.

I nodded in response. I’d dropped my eyes, so I had no idea if Cass had seen the nod, but since he wanted my silence, I gave it to him.

“I would do anything for you,” Cass repeated. “I would give you anything.”

My mouth was so dry I wouldn’t have been able to speak even if he’d wanted me to. How had I fucked this up?

“The one thing I’ll never do though, JJ, is let you put yourself, your life at risk. Our fight this morning… I think I was looking for some way for you to make the decision not to come with me.”

Cass fell silent for so long that I nearly blurted out that I didn’t understand what he was saying. I lifted my eyes and saw that he was staring straight ahead. He wasn’t looking at any one thing; it was more like he was looking into another time or place.

“If I had truly been worried about your safety, all I would have needed to do was call your brother and tell him where we were. He would have hog-tied you and thrown you in the back seat of his car so fast…” Cass let out a soft chuckle.

I couldn’t tell if he truly found the idea amusing or not. I remained silent so he would continue because I still wasn’t sure what point he was trying to make.

“That fight this morning was a last-ditch effort to avoid something I didn’t want to face,” he admitted.

Cass sighed and wiped at his eyes. “My gut told me there was something off when I went to see my grandmother the first time. I’ve always had good instincts, but not when it came to her. When I walked into the house that first time, it was so cold and dark. The curtains were drawn in most of the rooms that I saw on the lower floor and yet there were still fresh roses everywhere. And my grandmother’s appearance… Renly knew that she never would have wanted to be seen like that. All that time I was kept waiting at the gate… if it really had been meant to stall me, it would’ve been because Renly was having my grandmother cleaned up, not so that she would have time to…”

My heart broke for Cass as I realized what he was trying to say. “You wanted me to prove you were wrong—that your gut was wrong.”

Cass’s nod was so slight, I nearly missed it. He remained quiet for several long beats. Occasionally, he’d discreetly wipe at one of his eyes. His hair wasn’t quite long enough to shield the movement.

“She erased me,” Cass whispered. “I don’t know if it happened four years ago when Charles was born or when I went to prison… I guess it doesn’t really matter. I was the only one in the family who called her Mother Ashby. My father called her ‘Mum’ when I was younger but then even he started calling her what everyone in the family did: ‘Ma’am.’ She said I got to call her Mother because I was special. I was supposed to do important things one day. Her little rose.”

“You weren’t supposed to see Charles,” I suggested. “I got the impression from the way his nanny was calling him that yesterday wasn’t the first time he’d snuck past her.”

“The way he walked, the way he stopped in front of her but didn’t touch her, his hands behind his back like they were,” Cass said fiercely. “Always looking to her for approval. It was like looking in a fucking mirror when I was that age. I was only ever allowed to love her from a distance. It was the same way she loved me. I figured it was normal.”

He let out an ugly laugh. “I guess it was more than anyone else in the family got to do. I always thought I was the lucky one but maybe…”

“Cass, all we have is proof that she deceived you. It doesn’t mean she didn’t love⁠—”

“Officer Ferguson,” Cass interrupted, his voice even and empty. “Is it reasonable to say that Patricia Ashby was of sound mind when you last saw her?”

“Cass, don’t do it like this⁠—”

“I believe I asked you a question, Officer,” he stated more loudly.

I closed my eyes because I didn’t want to play this game with him. I knew what he wanted, but I didn’t want to give it to him. Not the way he wanted. We weren’t in a courtroom, there was no judge, no audience. It didn’t matter, though, because Cass was making it clear that he wanted facts and facts alone. He wanted distance and indifference. He was hurting, but he wanted to do it alone.

If I did it his way, it would be like sinking a knife into him every time I responded. He wanted the raw, ugly truth. He wanted me to force him to face the facts.

Facts that would do nothing but rip him to pieces.

“Yes,” I said. “Despite her attempts to appear mentally incompetent, several irregularities stood out that proved otherwise.”

“Any thoughts as to why she would have behaved in such a manner?”

“Cass—”

“Answer the question, JJ,” Cass interjected.

“She likely wanted to manipulate her grandson in some way.”

“Is it your belief that when her grandson was arrested and charged with three murders and the attempted murder of a police officer, she was mentally competent to come to his aid, if not financially, then at least in the form of emotional support?”

I swallowed hard. That was the question he’d really taken me to the Ashby estate to answer. He already knew the answer, but he couldn’t say it out loud. His mind couldn’t process that kind of betrayal. Not from his mother. He might have compartmentalized the possibility of it after his first visit, but his breakdown just after the second visit was proof that the truth wanted out of that box. Cass just wanted to hear the words so he could shove them back inside the box and lock it away with all the others.

“Cass,” I said gently as I reached for his hand. He jerked it back.

“The question⁠—”

“Enough!” I shouted.

“JJ, open this fucking door right now!” I heard Sully yell. I knew my brother would kick down the door, but I needed him to stay out of this.

For my sake.

And especially for Cass’s sake.

During Sully’s outburst, Cass had stood up and walked to the line of windows that overlooked the lower level of the renovated warehouse. I ignored the scuffle outside and went to him.

I knew what he would do when I grabbed him, but I was ready for it. The second my fingers wrapped around his lower arm, Cass grabbed my wrist to dislodge my hold so he could escape me yet again.

This time, I wasn’t letting go. I knew Cass could easily snap the bones in my wrist like they were nothing more than twigs beneath his boot, but I also knew something else. The first time it had happened had been the day I’d initially confronted him after his release. I’d had my gun pointed at his chest, but he hadn’t stopped coming for me until that gun had been pressed against his chest. When he’d easily taken it from me, he’d disabled the weapon and thrown it aside instead of pointing it at me. The same thing had happened in the cabin when I’d discovered the elaborate web of lies he and Sully had built to prove Cass would never hurt me. Their gamble had been right because when I’d held a gun on him for the second time, he’d ignored my warnings to stay where he was. He’d only stopped when I’d pointed the weapon at my own head.

What I was about to do was my own version of that same gamble. I just hoped like hell it worked. Not for me, but for Cass.

“I’m not letting go, Cass. I may not be strong enough to hold on to you at this very second, but I’m going to keep coming after you. I’m not ever letting you go. You’ll have to break something to get me to stop and even then, I won’t. So go for it,” I bit out as I tightened my hold on his wrist.

“Let go, JJ,” Cass warned, his voice icy cold.

Lethal.

“Never,” I said simply.

Cass was strong enough to physically pull my fingers from his arm, but the second he did, I grabbed him with my other hand.

“Let go,” Cass repeated. His voice held no emotion, but his eyes were dark and stormy.

“Never,” I repeated. I still had a piece of Cass with me but if I gave in for even a second, he’d become the man he’d been the day before. He’d be back in the prison cell that still existed in his mind, only this time he wouldn’t have a reason to ever leave it.

“Goddamn it, JJ!” Cass snarled. He ripped free of my hold but did it in a way that, like the first time, probably hurt him more than me. My fingers were going to leave bruises on his skin with how hard I was holding on to him, but I was sure I’d have few, if any, marks on me when all was said and done.

I heard banging and shouting on the other side of the door but ignored it. I was just hoping whoever had prevented my brother from kicking the damn thing down the first time was able to hold him off a little longer.

Cass and I continued the chaotic dance of him forcing one hand off his body only to have the other clamp down on a different part. Every muscle in his body was tight with fury. A mental image of him sitting on the floor of his prison cell popped into my head. In that moment, I could actually see him using every mental trick or tool that he’d learned in the military and during his cold, loveless childhood to remain in control of his body, his sanity.

My patience and conviction paid off when Cass finally lost his cool and slammed me up against one of the glass windowpanes that went from the floor of the office to its ceiling. Both his hands wrapped around my wrists and in one easy move he had my arms pinned above my head with one hand and the other at my throat. Unlike the day before, the only pressure he applied was the kind that was meant to hold me in place, not slowly steal my life. It was further proof that my Cass was still with me.

“No more hiding, Cass,” I said quietly. Considering the circumstances, I should have been the one panting and sweating and filled with complete and utter fear.

I wasn’t.

But Cass was.

“If you need to take your rage out on me, you have to do it right here, right now. Not in some box in your mind where you could do and say anything to hurt me as much as I hurt you. If you want to beg me not to leave you, do it right here, out loud, because that box is going away too. If you want to scream as loud as you can, do it now. It doesn’t matter who the fuck hears you because everyone should hear you! Every single person who condemned you to that godforsaken place should hear your screams in their nightmares for the rest of their lives.”

I paused only long enough to pull in a breath. “I don’t care if you open every single one of those goddamned boxes one at a time or all together, but you will open them and I’m going to be there when you do… every single fucking time. I promised I would never leave you again and I’m going to keep that fucking promise for the rest of our days.”

His hold on my wrists relaxed slightly, so I gentled my voice. “Our days, Cass. Our days. There’s no you and me anymore. There’s us. Only us. Always us.”

Cass’s face was flushed red and stained with sweat and tears. His hair clung to his forehead and his eyes remained locked on mine for what seemed like forever. My arms ached from being held above me for so long, but there was no pain around my wrists.

Just like there was no pain on my neck, not even where I was still sporting bruises from the previous day. If anything, his fingers felt more like a caress than any kind of threat.

“Us,” Cass whispered. He nodded slightly, but his voice was wobbly.

“Us,” I repeated firmly. Unwavering.

“Us,” he said with more certainty. He released my wrists and rubbed his hands up and down my arms to restore the blood flow. I settled them on his shoulders instead of dropping them to my sides. Both of Cass’s arms ended up around my waist as he slowly sank to the floor. I went with him.

When my knees hit the floor, he put his head against my chest and clung to me. I held him against me as his body began to violently shake. That was when the sobs began. I didn’t try to comfort Cass with words. I didn’t make him promises that everything would be okay. I didn’t even tell him how much I loved him.

I held on to him as tight as I could because that was what he needed me to do.

Truth was, I needed it too.

CHAPTER 29

Cass

The irony of it all hadn’t been lost on me in the aftermath of what hadn’t been a break from reality, but rather a reintroduction to it.

I’d spent nearly my entire life trying to get as far away from the Ashby name as I could only to learn that it had been taken from me years ago. I just didn’t know why. I also couldn’t make sense of my grandmother’s betrayal.

Everything JJ had pointed out after observing Patricia Ashby’s behavior made complete sense to me now. She had been lying to me, hiding her condition, or lack thereof. Every time my mind tried to come up with some viable excuse as to why she might have replaced me with my half-brother, it always went back to the same place.

My time in prison.

There’d been no mental illness that had kept her away. Even if she’d been under my father’s financial and physical control, she would have found a way to get a message to me. She knew enough people in power all over the world that all she would have had to do was make one phone call to a prominent person, and I would never have been transferred to the federal supermax prison in Colorado.

JJ’s fingers closed around mine as the SUV we were in made its way deeper into the city. I tightened my own grip to show him I was still okay.

As okay as I was going to be, at least for a while. A long while.

Despite everything JJ had seen and heard when we’d visited my grandmother, we still had no facts, no proof of anything. His observations, while all true, didn’t mean my grandmother was doing anything illegal. For all I knew, she’d wanted to find an easy way to get out of needing to explain why she’d left me locked up without even one word.

The last two days had been a mental nightmare and my breakdowns at the houseboat and in Sully’s office had been the first of many, though they’d been more of spats with JJ as I’d tried to make excuses for my grandmother. Anything to not have to face the reality that she’d lied to me and that the way she’d treated me as a child, the way she was treating Charles, had nothing to do with love.

JJ had remained patient with me throughout all of my outbursts. We hadn’t returned to the houseboat or Sully and JJ’s house because we’d been too concerned about both places being compromised. That had left us with only the Targes headquarters to call home. Between the feeling of being confined and the knowledge that several of Sully’s most trusted men were within hearing distance of us every minute of every day, I’d been teetering on the edge of control. JJ had always brought me back and when I’d calmed down long enough to talk things through, he’d patiently listened.

The one thing he hadn’t done was let me cover for my grandmother when my mind tried to do exactly that. At best, he’d reminded me that we didn’t have enough information to know either way what role, if any, my grandmother or any of the rest of my family members had played in JJ’s shooting and my imprisonment two years earlier.

On the one hand, it felt like we were back at having nothing, but we had more than the day I’d walked out of that police station only to find Sully waiting for me. Between Sully’s men and ourselves, we’d pored through the information Sully had collected a dozen times over, but nothing new had stood out. JJ had told me and Sully about the mystery police report he’d been handed at some point before he’d been shot but he couldn’t say when he’d seen the file or even be completely certain it had been my father’s name on it. The file had been taken by his superior with a half-assed explanation that the file had been meant to go to a different officer. It was all JJ could remember and it frustrated him to no end.

Sully had asked a friend to hack the LAPD databases to see what kind of complaints had been lodged against my father, but there’d been fewer than expected and they’d all been minor offenses. He’d never been officially charged with any of crimes.

It’d been Michael, Sully’s assistant, who’d surprised us with data that none of us had thought to look for. JJ, Sully, and I had automatically assumed any complaints in the system would be against my father. We hadn’t thought to look into any that had been filed by my father. Michael’s hunch, along with his yet to be explained hacking abilities, had pulled up a single piece of information that hadn’t given us much, but it’d been the kick in the ass, or rather, my ass, that we needed to act sooner rather than later.

My goal had been to gather proof that my father had been behind JJ’s shooting from the beginning, but the information Michael had found had been a harsh reminder of where jumping to conclusions had gotten us.

Nowhere.

They’d been my conclusions and ironically, my argument had been the same one I’d challenged JJ with when we’d been at the cabin. I’d asked him that as a cop, would he have relied on information from others to make a decision about a suspect or would he have found evidence to confirm that the person even counted as a suspect?

I’d already judged my father and found him guilty before even talking to him. Just like with my grandmother, JJ had pointed out that as horrendous as what my father had done to me growing up was, he hadn’t done anything illegal.

The bottom line was that if I wanted answers, I needed to go to the source—to the one place, or rather person, I’d been hoping I could somehow condemn without needing a face-to-face confrontation. Thus the reason the SUV JJ and I were sitting in the back seat of was hurtling toward downtown LA on a Saturday afternoon. A couple of Sully’s guys had followed my father from his penthouse to his office a few hours earlier, so that part was easy.

The next part wouldn’t be.

In so many ways.

Starting with JJ.

With Sully driving and Boone in the front seat, JJ and I had enough privacy that I could have broached the topic long before the vehicle neatly slid into an open spot less than a block from Ashby Tower. Coward that I was, I waited until Sully had thrown the SUV into park before I tightened my hand on JJ’s.

“Sweetheart—”

“Cass?” JJ asked as he looked out the window. Sully and Boone had practically thrown themselves out of the SUV before it had even stopped moving, so he and I were completely alone.

I didn’t respond because I knew I was already fucked just by the way he said my name.

“Did you know these SUVs are bulletproof?” JJ asked as he glanced through his window up at the glimmering skyscraper. “The frame and the windows,” he continued as if we were chatting about some interesting piece of information while on a Hollywood bus tour.

“Yes,” I responded when he squeezed my hand hard.

“You know what they aren’t proof against?” JJ continued. I could feel his eyes on me, and I know how stormy each of them would look, despite their differing colors. I stared at the headrest in front of me because I needed to stay strong.

“They’re not JJ proof.”

I steeled my resolve at his comment. “JJ, there’s no fucking way I’m letting⁠—”

That was as far as I got before he released my hand and simply opened the door and climbed out of the vehicle. “JJ!” I shouted as I jumped out of the SUV and nearly got run over by a lime green Lamborghini. I ignored the colorful names the driver called me and stomped to the sidewalk. I directed my next words at Sully.

“You couldn’t have gotten one of these”—I pointed at the SUV—“with the child safety locks on it?” I snapped even as I stepped in front of JJ, shielding him from view.

“Yeah, because that’s what I need when four of my guys are rolling up on a hostage scene,” Sully quipped. “For the two guys in the back with their AK47s all ready to go only to have the two guys in the front with their AK47s forget to open the fucking back doors!”

JJ was already on the move before I could flip Sully the bird.

“JJ—” I began as I scanned our surroundings. Boone was behind us while Sully was in front, so JJ was covered from all three sides with the building acting as the fourth side. It didn’t matter; I was on edge anyway.

“Sweetheart,” JJ said, mimicking the tone I’d used on him. “Do you really want to talk about the fact that a certain someone’s little brother will never get his fantasy of having a certain someone’s best friend fuck a certain someone’s little brother in the back seat of a certain jet black 1969 Mustang⁠—”

“For Christ’s sake,” Sully muttered.

A couple of women who’d been walking behind us shot JJ a smile as they moved past us so they could catch the crosswalk before it changed.

Despite his words, JJ closed his hand around mine. “Let’s get inside the building, okay?” he said in all seriousness. His thumb rubbed over my skin in an effort to calm me. He was right, we needed to get into the building for added protection.

The second we were in the lobby, JJ led me to a small alcove that was surrounded on all three sides by stone. The fact that I could clearly see the lobby instead of being tucked away in the small space with no way out had me wanting to kiss him then and there. “What did you do, scope this place out?” I asked sarcastically.

“Yeah, didn’t you?” JJ responded. He winked at me and said, “I looked at the same blueprints you did, babe. I just looked for a couple extra things that I figured would help speed this whole thing along.” He glanced around us before continuing, “I know you’re scared to death for me. Not for yourself, for me.”

I nodded. “JJ⁠—”

He kissed me hard. “My turn to talk, sweetheart,” he whispered against my lips.

I sighed and kept silent even though all I wanted to do was lock JJ in a room somewhere with no way in except a single door that had every single man and woman Sully employed standing guard in front of it.

“Now, let’s look at it a little differently,” he began. “Let’s say I used my own little private brand of magic on you that would have left you covered in your own cum while still trying to catch your breath in the back seat of the SUV.”

I opened my mouth to speak but JJ put his fingers over my lips. “Okay, so you’ve just shot a considerable load down my throat, but you being the stud you are and me being the guy with no gag reflex, I make sure you’re covered in your own jizz before I give you a taste of it,” he continued. My dick was already hardening as the scene played out in my head.

“So, you’re pretty much passed out in the back seat, and when I cuff you to the armrest, your first thought is what round two is going to be all about. Meanwhile, I’m out of the car and halfway to this nice little lobby here and all you can do is sit and watch over your shoulder as I walk into what could very well be a trap.”

“I’d break the fucking armrest,” I growled.

JJ nodded. “Sure, you could do that. Or you’d stop and think how it feels to watch the love of your life walk into a place that you may never see him walk out of. You think about how your life ceases the second his does. You forget that you’re a sharp, talented, focused man who knows how to deal with high-pressure situations because all you can see is every possible scenario of how you’re going to lose the love of your life play out. Don’t forget, the love of your life asked or insisted you stay behind for your own safety.”

“It’s not the same—" I started to say.

“The only part that isn’t the same is the fact that you wouldn’t think to blow me beforehand so that I’d at least have a few seconds of pleasure before I realized what a lying dick you are before I GOT OUT OF THE CAR ANYWAY and followed you because you are the fucking goddamn love of my life and we agreed there is no you or me anymore. It’s us. We. So you’re going to shut the fuck up, do what you do best which is protect me, I’m going to do what I do best which is protect you, and then we’re going to figure out what the fuck is going on. Then and only then will you get to fulfill your fantasy which is to fuck me in your 1969 Must⁠—”

I silenced JJ with a kiss. “You win,” I conceded. As hard as it was to admit, he was right. He would have suffered just as much torture as me if I’d been left behind so I’d be “safe.”

JJ nodded in satisfaction and began to leave the alcove. I grabbed his arm and dragged him back to me. “What the hell do you mean, a few seconds of pleasure? When I get my mouth on your dick, it’ll⁠—”

“You guys ready?” Sully asked. The asshole was standing five feet away, his steely eyes directed at me. “Or do you want to keep eye-fucking my baby brother while I take care of the rest of this shit?”

“Jesus,” I muttered.

“If you need someone to do the eye-fucking…” I heard Boone say. He was a few steps off to the side, his back to us so he could keep an eye on the lobby.

JJ stepped in front of me before I could go after the good-looking man. I already wasn’t the man’s biggest fan because not only had he partnered with JJ, he’d also played a role in keeping Sully off our backs while JJ had been helping me deal with my shit in Sully’s office.

Boone took a few steps back but didn’t turn around. “I checked with the guards, boss,” the man said as he continued to survey our surroundings.

“Is he here?” Sully asked.

“Upstairs, in his office,” Boone responded.

Hearing confirmation that the man who’d destroyed the lives of everyone around him and who was likely behind the deaths of three innocent people as well as the shooting that had nearly stolen JJ from me forever was in the building with only an elevator ride separating me from him had me seeing red. I’d promised myself and JJ that I wouldn’t make assumptions about my father’s criminal behavior, but deep down, I knew it was a promise I couldn’t keep.

Not with the knowledge that the man standing next to me was only there by the grace of God and a lot of talented medical staff.

“Did you show him ID and explain about the weapons?” Sully asked.

“Didn’t have to,” Boone responded. Before I could ask what the hell he was talking about, Boone quoted, “‘Mr. Ashby and any armed or unarmed members of his protection detail are free to pass. The senior Mr. Ashby has been waiting for them.’”

“What?” JJ asked, his verbal surprise echoing my own shock, though mine was instantly rooted in suspicion.

“It’s a trap,” I growled. I had no idea how my father had known I was coming, but I wasn’t completely surprised, either.

“Only one way to find out,” Sully said. He strode forward. I looked over my shoulder at JJ, who gave me a nod and a small smile that he’d probably meant as encouragement. It only added another layer of dread to the shit pile of it sitting in my gut.

Not caring how it looked, I wrapped my fingers around JJ’s hand and kept him tucked up against me as I followed Sully. I still didn’t believe a word of what the guards had said to Boone, but sure enough, as soon as Sully reached the metal detector, one of the guards waved him around it instead of through it. He didn’t ask for ID. Not for any of us. We still had our weapons on us by the time we reached the elevator. There was no one waiting inside the elevator that only went to the top floor of the building, and despite drawing our weapons as it raced upward, there was no immediate need for them when the door opened because no one was waiting for us.

“What the hell?” Sully said softly.

I seconded the question but kept it to myself. Despite the lack of a security team waiting for us, we took our time clearing every conference room, cubicle, and office on the floor. The only room with the door closed and the blinds drawn was the one with my father’s name spelled out in shiny metal lettering next to the door. It was lit up from behind to give it more flair.

“Best of everything,” I muttered beneath my breath.

Sully had already made the decision that he’d go in first, followed by Boone. Once they cleared the room, then and only then were JJ and I supposed to enter. I’d held my tongue about the whole thing, but the second Sully reached out to turn the doorknob, I kicked open the door and, gun drawn, strode into the huge space. I heard both Sully and JJ curse behind me, but I didn’t care. My eyes were focused on the man sitting calmly at the desk, drink in hand.

“Ah, there he is,” my father said with a smile. He lifted the glass as if he were giving a toast. “The prodigal son returns.”

“Clear,” I heard Boone and Sully both call. I already knew from the blueprints that the office had a large bathroom in addition to an attached conference room.

JJ was behind me, but not directly. I wanted to step in front of him, but I knew he’d just move the opposite direction. It was like he’d said in the lobby. I needed to do what I did best, protecting him. He needed to do the same for me. Exposing him to any kind of threat went against every fiber of my being, but he was right. It was not just him or me anymore, it was us. And that applied to any and every part of our lives.

I focused on my father. Surprisingly, he looked older than all the recent pictures I’d seen of him in the paper and on the news. He was still a handsome man, but there was something missing. I just couldn’t put my finger on it.

“Fellas, fellas, is all this really necessary?” my father asked. He held out his hands, spilling some of his drink in the process. “Take a look around, get yourselves a drink… let’s catch up… son.”

“Give me one reason not to put a bullet in your brain right now,” I snarled.

My father rolled his eyes like I’d said the most ridiculous thing he’d ever heard. “Why all the hostility, Cassius?” His eyes shifted to JJ. “Your boy barely looks the worse for wear.” The man had the audacity to squint before adding, “A shame there wasn’t a better plastic surgeon on staff when they wheeled you in… could have had you shiny and new⁠—”

“Shut the fuck up!” I screamed. I already had my finger on the trigger when JJ stepped into the line of fire. He kept his gun pointed at my father and never took his eyes off him, but the close call left me rattled. I wanted to shake JJ for the danger he’d put himself into when I realized he wasn’t the one putting me, his brother, and Boone in danger.

I was doing that.

All by myself.

My fury was like a living thing beneath my skin and under any other circumstances, I would have needed to move around or take my aggression out on something or someone. God, how had I ever thought I’d be able to do this? I’d been so certain that I could maintain some level of professionalism, but I couldn’t. I was the fucker’s bitter son first, the disciplined Marine second.

“How did you know we were coming?” JJ asked.

My father put out his hands again. “A father just knows these things.”

“You fucking piece of shit—” I began. I still had the gun aimed at my father, but I was keeping my hand off the trigger in case JJ pulled the same trick.

“Awww, son, how about you start calling me Pops?” my father suggested. “Or Dad, maybe Daddy… no, that one won’t work ’cause this one”—he pointed at JJ—“probably calls you that.” My father acted lost in thought for so long that I almost thought he’d passed out. “I know, how about SaDa?”

“He’s hammered,” Sully muttered. “We’re not gonna get shit out of him until he sobers up.”

“Nope, yep, maybe,” my father responded. His eyes were on me as he spoke, and I couldn’t help but feel a strange sensation wash over me.

“SaDa? What the fuck does that even mean?” Sully asked. It was a rhetorical question but the second he said the strange word again, my father’s eyes shifted to the right just a little. He did it again a second later. Something about his eyes was off. He was acting drunk or high or a little bit of both, but his eyes…

“Sully’s right, Cass,” JJ said. I watched in astonishment as he lowered his gun and then turned his back on my father.

He fucking turned his back… and he remained between me and my father, giving the asshole an opportunity to shoot him in the back. We hadn’t checked him or the desk for weapons. What if⁠—

“This is a waste of time,” JJ said to me as he took a few steps forward. His eyes pinned mine. I recognized the look for what it was. He knew something. JJ had caught something I had yet to process. I gave him the tiniest of nods to indicate I understood not to pull the trigger the second he moved out of the way. I watched in surprise as he went to the bar that was stacked with an endless array of liquor bottles.

It was the same direction my father had shifted his eyes in.

JJ stuck his gun in the waistband of his jeans and studied the various bottles. “Not one fucking cheap bottle of whiskey,” he said in irritation. “Nothing but the best for dear old dad, huh, Cass? Probably been drinking this shit from the second you were born.” He glanced over his shoulder at my father. “And by the way, it’s the other way around, he calls me Daddy,” he commented as he jerked his head in my direction. “What are you drinking?” he finally asked as he began shifting the bottles of alcohol around.

“My best buddy, Johnnie Walker,” my father announced, his words slurring heavily. He lifted his glass again, as if toasting someone. “That whiskey cost more than your house, sonny.”

As JJ pretended to examine the bottle, I began running the strange conversation back and forth in my head.

“It’s not whiskey, is it, big brother?” JJ asked.

“Scotch,” Sully said gruffly.

“Come here, babe,” JJ said as he held out the bottle. I kept my gun trained on my father although I had no intention of pulling the trigger. My father’s eyes held a certain desperation to them while his arms continued to bob around as if disconnected from his body.

When I reached JJ’s side, he pretended to show me the bottle before saying, “Guy’s probably got a million bucks’ worth of shit to get his drink on.” JJ began moving bottles on each shelf. He rattled the names off some of the bottles in disgust. “A million bucks right here when he could grab himself a great fucking glass of scotch like Pops did for five bucks at O’Shauney’s.”

“Never said the fucker knew how to spend all that cash, just said he did,” I responded as I watched JJ return the bottle to a different spot than it had originally been in. He made a show of moving the bottles around like he was trying to make the one in his hand fit. That was when I saw it.

A camera.

A very small, very well-hidden camera.

The sight of it had everything coming together in my head. Certain words began to stand out.

SaDa.

Buddy.

Big brother.

O’Shauney’s.

“Gimme a refill,” my father said as he waved his glass around.

“I’m done with this shit,” I sniped as I put my gun away. “Let the fucking cops have him,” I added as I began to walk past his desk.

“Now listen here!” my father yelled as he jumped drunkenly to his feet. He jabbed his finger on his desk. “You will respect me!”

“Go fuck yourself,” I responded even as I dropped my eyes to the desk where my father’s finger was. Scrawled on a small scrap of paper sticking out from a stack of documents was a set of words that had chills running down my spine.

She has Charlie. Across street. Shooter.

CHAPTER 30

Jj

As Chandler Ashby got in Cass’s face and pointed with his free hand to something on the desk, I knew it was bad. Cass wasn’t the best actor in the world, so it wasn’t hard to miss his reaction to whatever was written on the desk.

He managed to mask it as he snapped, “Get him out of my sight!”

Cass began to move toward me, his eyes flicking to the ground every second. I understood the silent warning, but just as he cleared the desk, leaving only half a dozen steps between us, I saw Chandler move to his right. Cass was in the process of subtly warning my brother about needing to hit the floor when Chandler suddenly yelled his son’s name and then stepped further to his right and launched himself at Cass.

My first thought was that Chandler was attacking Cass with some kind of hidden weapon, but then Cass screamed, “Down! Down! Down! Shooter!” My body was on autopilot as I threw myself to the floor, but my brain could only process that Cass’s warning shouts meant he was still alive. My heart was pounding in my chest as I remained on the floor and crawled to Cass, who had pushed his father’s body off him and was in the process of dragging Chandler behind the desk to use as cover.

“JJ!” Cass called.

“Here!” I shouted even as I glanced up at the window that Chandler had been standing in front of. Right in the spot where Cass had been just before his father had stepped in front of him was a large round hole.

By the time I reached Cass, he was rolling his father over. To Sully he shouted, “Shooter across the street. Hostage, four-year-old boy!”

I could barely breathe, but as soon as I heard the word hostage and the age that Cass had called out, I knew who he was talking about—Charles, Cass’s half-brother and Chandler’s youngest son.

“Dad!” Cass called once he had his father rolled over. I reached both men and automatically scanned Cass’s body for any injuries. There wasn’t a spot of blood on him, but my relief was short-lived when I saw that he had rolled his father again, this time so the older man was lying on his chest. Chandler’s back was soaked with blood. “JJ, help me find the wound,” Cass said, his voice shaky. I grabbed the knife that I knew Cass kept tucked in his boot and quickly cut through the back of Chandler’s suit jacket and white shirt. Despite the massive amount of blood that covered most of Chandler’s upper back, Cass and I were able to quickly find the large hole just under his right shoulder blade.

“Put pressure on it,” I ordered as I began tearing Chandler’s shirt into large pieces so Cass could cover the hole.

“Ch—” Chandler choked on the word as blood began to seep from his mouth.

I dropped my head so I could hear Chandler better.

“Charlie,” he sputtered. “Char—” was all he managed to get out before he began gagging on his own blood.

“We’ll find him, Dad,” Cass said as he desperately continued to press pieces from Chandler’s ripped shirt against the wound on his back.

“Go—” Chandler managed to say before his eyes slipped shut.

“He’s still got a pulse,” I said to Cass who was frantically trying to stem the bleeding.

“I’ve got him!” Sully said as he moved toward us, still keeping his body low. He covered Cass’s hands with his own. “Cass!” Sully shouted to get his attention. It took Cass several long seconds to lift his head. His eyes locked on mine, then Sully’s.

“He—he stepped in front—he stepped between⁠—”

“Cass,” I snapped. My tone got his attention. When he looked at me, I could see the despair in his eyes as his mind continued to process that his father had taken the bullet meant for him. “Charlie,” I said with a nod. Cass, the soldier, instantly replaced Cass, the shell-shocked son, as his eyes locked on mine. He moved his hands, letting Sully take his place.

“Our guys have them pinned on the roof across the street! A helicopter is inbound!” Sully called as Cass and I hurried from the room, keeping our bodies low. Boone was by my brother’s side in an instant. Chandler’s prognosis seemed grim, but neither Cass nor I could let our thoughts be anywhere but on getting to Charlie.

Thankfully, the elevator was still on the floor we were on, saving us precious time from having to use the stairwell that led to the first floor. The second we were in the elevator, Cass and I both put the comms in our ears so we could hear the conversation happening between the rest of the team. Cass was silent and detached as the elevator neared the first floor. For once, I didn’t try to snap him out of whatever world he was in. I wanted to comfort him and tell him his father and Charlie would both be fine, but the words would have been horseshit and completely useless. He was compartmentalizing what had just happened and storing the box away so he could focus on the present. I had no idea how he was managing it because I was a fucking mess.

Mentally, I was all over the place, especially because the blinding pain behind my right eye had returned after being absent for more than a week. I used the pain to my benefit. There were no images to deal with, no wishes for even the tiniest sliver of a memory that would return the past to me; I channeled all that pain into giving Cass whatever he needed from me in that moment.

As soon as the elevator opened, we were running through the lobby and out the door. Cass didn’t stop for the cars on the busy street; they stopped for him. Horns blared and people cursed as brakes squealed, but he easily weaved between the vehicles. The pain in my head was what made it possible for me to stay right on Cass’s tail. He needed me at his back, and nothing was going to stop me from being there.

Unlike the Ashby Tower, there was no dedicated elevator to get to the roof in the other building, and with people milling about the lobby and in front of the bank of elevators, there was no way we could take the chance of waiting for one. People screamed and ran as we tore through the lobby. The building had no security desk, so there was no one to stop us as we darted for the stairwell. Cass took the stairs two at a time and while I would have loved to do the same, I just didn’t have the strength or stamina that he did. Thankfully, I was only a handful of seconds behind him when he threw the door to the roof open.

The scene before us had me stopping in my tracks.

The helicopter that had been inbound had already landed. The blades were slowly spinning as if they’d just been shut down, but there was a man sitting in the pilot’s seat, clearly ready to start the machine back up upon command.

Cass’s grandmother was standing just outside of the helicopter, little Charlie in front of her. The child was swaying back and forth like he was trying not to nod off. Renly was standing next to Cass’s grandmother. A rifle was slung over his shoulder, but it was the semiautomatic gun pointed at Charlie’s head that had everyone, including all of the men Sully had assigned as backup for us, standing completely still, their weapons aimed directly at Renly and Patricia Ashby.

The woman before us looked nothing like the frail, confused grandmother I’d met just days earlier. Patricia Ashby looked like she should have been standing in front of a Rolls Royce parked outside of a huge Victorian-style home. Although I knew for a fact that the woman was in her mid-seventies, not only did she hold herself like a woman half her age, but she was also dressed the part. Designer beige stilettos, a sleek skirt that ended just above her knees, a white blouse peeking through a short jacket that matched the skirt. A colorful scarf was wrapped around her neck and there was a sheer piece of fabric covering her hair to prevent the wind from turning her perfectly pinned hair into a frizzy mess. Flawless makeup and minimal but expensive jewelry completed the look.

In short, Patricia Ashby was a stunning woman, but beyond the clothes and accessories, there was nothing. No emotion in her eyes, no warmth in the way she held herself, no weakness or flaw of any kind. She held her drugged grandson against her body as if he was nothing more than an expensive handbag on her arm. The fact that there was a gun pointed at the little boy’s head didn’t faze her in the least.

Patricia had the audacity to smile at Cass as he kept his gun trained on her. “Hello, my little rose,” she said. “Renly tells me your father finally grew a backbone so he could save his little boy, well, both his boys. It sounds like that backbone won’t do him much good now.”

The amusement in her voice as she spoke about her own son was sickening.

“Renly also tells me your father was a naughty boy. Isn’t that right, my love,” Patricia asked Renly, though she kept her eyes on Cass. He had yet to react in any kind of way.

“Seems Chandler finally grew a brain and had that window replaced with something that would slow a bullet from my baby here”—Renly lifted his shoulder enough to point out the long-range sniper rifle—“so it would only go through one body, not two.”

“I think I may have misjudged my little boy,” she said. “Perhaps if I’d gotten to him sooner, his father wouldn’t have had time to fill him with silly notions like marrying for love or following foolish dreams.” Patricia shook her head in disgust.

“Why?” Cass asked, his voice breaking. He put his weapon back in his shoulder holster and took a few steps forward.

“Why what?” Patricia asked as if it was the stupidest question in the world. “Why did I spend my entire life making the Ashby name mean something? Why did I leave you to rot in that prison? Why did I have Renly put a bullet through his”—she shifted her now hatred-filled eyes to me—“pretty little head while you watched?” The woman returned her gaze to Cass. “I’ll admit, the prison thing was a little bit of a mix-up, but it did have a silver lining.”

“And what was that?” Cass asked, his voice now dead, cold.

“Why, to make you a better man, a stronger one. I’ll admit, I wasn’t pleased about that whole Marine thing at first,” she said with a wave of her hand. “But then it occurred to me that voters like candidates with a military record.” Patricia pouted as she continued, “Cassius, I had all these plans for you and then you take up with that. My little rose, you can stick your dick into any mouth, ass, or pussy you want, but I taught you discretion.”

Patricia glanced at Charlie. “My, he is getting heavy. I think I may have given him just a bit too much of this,” she said to Renly as she lifted up a prescription bottle and gave it a little shake.

“Yes, mum,” the man responded. Unlike Patricia, his lovesick expression spoke volumes. The asshole had no idea he’d be the next in line to get a bullet through the head the second he was no longer useful.

“Now,” Patricia said, swinging her eyes back to Cass. “Since you’ve made a mess of my plans… or rather, your incompetent father did, may God rest his soul, of course… I now find myself with a bit of a dilemma. Perhaps you can assist, my little rose.” She smiled.

“I don’t know, Mother Ashby,” Cass said evenly. “How can I trust you to keep your word? JJ’s the one who’s got a head for knowing when someone’s telling the truth.”

I managed to maintain my calm as I digested Cass’s words. He’d mentioned my name and the word “head” and knowing Cass as well as I did, his focus wasn’t on his grandmother at all as he inched closer toward the trio while still making sure not to put himself between Patricia and me. Even if I was wrong about everything, Cass, like me, knew what, or rather, who came first. I didn’t take another second to think about it.

“I’m not interested in speaking to your little fuck toy Cass—” Patricia snapped as she turned her head to focus on me.

The second my eyes met her soulless ones, I pulled the trigger and just like that, Cass’s tormentor was gone. There was a split second as her face twisted into one of true surprise and then the bullet tore through her forehead and exited the back of her head through her perfectly coiffed hair.

Cass was moving before I even pulled the trigger. The second his grandmother released Charlie and fell backward, he caught the little boy and covered him with his body. A flurry of bullets followed from the men standing at our sides. Renly had a single second to scream in disbelief as the woman he’d handed his soul over to hit the ground and then bullets ripped through his body. The pilot went down just as easily.

A couple of seconds of silence followed before Cass was yelling, “Call an ambulance!”

I ran to him and slid on my knees as I fell to the ground next to him and his little brother. I put my ear to his chest. “He’s barely breathing,” I said. I snatched the pill bottle from Patricia’s lifeless hand.

“It’s Oxy,” I shouted just as a man from my brother’s team dropped to his knees between me and Cass.

“Move,” I heard the man yell at Cass. As hard as it was for Cass to move away from Charlie’s still body, he did it. The man quickly sprayed something into one of Charlie’s nostrils.

“Narcan,” I said in relief. Cass dropped his head and took a deep breath. The medication the man had given Charlie would reverse the effects of the opioid Patricia had given him. It wasn’t guaranteed to work, but it was our only chance.

“Axel, can you fly that bird?” the man called.

Axel, the guy I’d partnered with at the beginning of my first case, was in the process of dragging the dead pilot’s body out of the helicopter. “On it. Two minutes!” he yelled as he climbed into the machine.

The man tending to Charlie leaned down to listen to the little boy’s breathing. “It’s getting stronger,” he said as he put his finger against Charlie’s pulse. “We need to get him to a hospital. He may need another dose of the Narcan before we can get him there.”

The man climbed into the helicopter while Cass picked Charlie up. Cass’s eyes connected with mine. “Go,” I said. I kissed him hard. “I’ll see you soon.”

“My father,” Cass responded even as he began moving toward the helicopter. We kept our heads lowered as the blades began to spin. The noise made it nearly impossible to hear each other.

“Go,” I said with a nod. Cass held my eyes for a few seconds before he climbed into the helicopter. I moved away from the bird but didn’t watch it take off because I was already doing what Cass needed me to do.

I reached for the button on my comms. “Sully, is he alive?”

CHAPTER 31

Cass

“Cass?”

The sound of JJ’s voice was like a balm for all the wounds that were being carved into my body from the inside out. I had no idea how much time had passed since I’d last seen JJ, but I didn’t care.

He was here.

I knew what I must’ve looked like to JJ. I’d seen it in the eyes of the terrified people in the surgery’s waiting room when I’d entered and sought out the corner closest to the door. Even if I could have explained why I was sitting on my ass covered in blood-stained clothes, I wouldn’t. I barely understood it myself.

JJ would get it, though.

“Cass,” he repeated as his warm body settled against mine. I could feel when his fingers wrapped around mine, but I couldn’t return the embrace.

“Charlie?” I asked.

“Awake and happy. His nanny is with him,” JJ said gently.

I wasn’t sure if I managed a nod. I’d been with Charlie up until the children’s hospital ER doctors had assured me my little brother was going to be okay and then someone, Boone maybe, had driven me to the hospital where my father had already been in surgery.

“My father,” I began but then shook my head.

“I know, baby,” JJ said as he pressed a soft kiss to my temple. “I talked to the doctor. He’s holding his own, though, Cass. And remember, the longer we go without hearing from the surgeons, the longer your father is fighting.”

“SaDa,” I whispered brokenly. “I’ve been replaying things in my head, and I don’t know why it took me so long to remember…”

“Remember what? Do you know what SaDa means?”

I nodded. “I used to call my father that when I was really little. He’d come to see me at night sometimes so he could tuck me in. I was a little younger than Charlie. SaDa. Sad Dad,” I said softly. JJ’s arm went around my shoulders. Warmth began to penetrate my icy skin as he pulled me against his side. “I couldn’t pronounce sad dad, so I shortened it. I… I think I used to call him DaDa when I first started talking.”

“And you changed it when your dad seemed sad?”

I nodded again. “It was all the time. He’d be smiling and sometimes he’d read me a story, I think. Or tell me one, I’m not sure. He always sounded sad, though.”

“Did he call you buddy?” JJ asked.

I smiled both at the name and because JJ had already been putting the pieces together on his own when we’d been in my father’s office. It wasn’t until he’d used the name O’Shauneys that I’d finally understood the message both my father and my lover had been trying to send me without alerting the person on the other side of the hidden camera. Sully, JJ and even myself had called Sully and JJ’s father Sean Ferguson as ‘Pops’ and the Scottish man had never once strayed from the little Scottish pub near their house. I’d been there a few times with all three men and it sure as shit hadn’t been called O’Shauneys.

“Yeah,” I said. “My grandad used to call me that too. But only when my grandmother wasn’t around.”

The mere mention of my grandmother brought back a flood of memories. “All those things she told me when I was little, I just believed her. Even when I knew some of it didn’t make sense, I believed everything she said. But when I look back on it now, I don’t know how I could have been so blind,” I admitted.

“Sully’s been doing some digging,” JJ said. “Do you want to hear what he’s found out so far?”

“Yes. But can I tell you something first so you won’t worry so much about me?”

JJ laughed. It was a harsh, sob-filled laugh. It was proof that he was as traumatized by the whole experience as I was. “Yeah, okay,” he said, his voice cracking a bit.

“I love you so much, JJ. I love that you protected me today even though I acted like I didn’t need it. I love that you fought your pain so you could be with me.”

“You caught that, huh?”

“That’s what we do, right? We watch out for each other,” I said simply.

“Yes, we do,” JJ murmured. His lips were against my temple, so when he spoke, it was like he was brushing a kiss over my skin.

“On that roof, you did what I needed you to do. You saved Charlie,” I said. “You knew what needed to be done. I didn’t know how to tell you to do it, but you knew.”

“I killed your grandmother, Cass,” JJ said in a harsh whisper. His reaction didn’t surprise me.

I straightened so I could look him in the eye. “That woman was not my grandmother. I’ve never had a grandmother,” I said firmly. “You took the life of someone who didn’t exist… who never existed. I’m not mourning the loss of her. I’m mourning the loss of everything she took from me. Things I can never have back. People I’ll never know. The truth about so many things that died with her. She couldn’t take you, though. She couldn’t take Charlie. And I hope like hell she didn’t take my father. But no matter what happens, it’s still us. We’re here and we’re still us and always will be. No compartmentalizing, no living lies, no running or escaping.”

JJ’s mouth covered mine. The kiss was sweet and brief, but I’d needed it. Based on the way he was looking at me, he had too.

“Tell me what you know,” I said.

“I can only give you the facts that we know so far. Hopefully we’ll be able to fill in the blanks at some point.”

I nodded in understanding. My father was pretty much the only one who could fill in those blanks, so if he didn’t make it, much of the past would be lost forever. JJ had figured out how to live with the loss of time, so with him by my side, I could figure out how to do the same.

“From the records Sully’s been digging through, everything was in your gran—her name. She greased enough palms before and after your grandfather died to make sure his legal will never surfaced and that she got everything. She controlled the purse strings when it came to just about everyone in your family, including your father. She was the one running your family’s businesses, not your father.”

“She had her very own marionette collection,” I murmured.

This time when JJ’s lips brushed against my temple, it was a true kiss. “One of those dolls was the police chief. Between him, the DA, and your public defender, they made sure there was enough falsified evidence against you to ensure those four convictions. The only flaw came when the officer who was supposed to log the so-called evidence fucked up the paperwork. Your attorney had the right to review all the evidence and receive all the records related to your arrest. Since he was in on the whole thing, he never filed a motion for discovery. He literally never looked at any of the evidence and everything he said in court was rehearsed. When Sully hired Asa Hutch to review your case, he found the technicality. The chief of police admitted that Patricia ordered him to falsify the evidence.”

“Jesus,” I muttered in disbelief. “She must have spent millions to keep her secrets.”

“Try tens of millions,” JJ responded. “Whoever she couldn’t buy off or tried to extort her for more money conveniently disappeared. Renly helped her keep her hands clean. He served in the British Army as…”

“A sniper,” I supplied.

“He was also ex-MI6, British Foreign Intelligence. He met her when she and your grandfather traveled to the UK to meet with potential investors for Ashby Capital Group. Their affair began while she was still married, and Renly pretty much became her lapdog.”

I sighed. “So chances are if she lied about everything, that means my grandfather wasn’t the cruel man she painted him to be,” I said with a shake of my head. “He was always nice to me, you know? We spent so much time at the cabin but there was always this cloud of sadness that seemed to hang over him. Just like my father was when I was so little. I thought those memories were just dreams.”

I considered how my father had ignored me or been cruel to me when I was a child. “She was trying to shove a wedge between the three of us. My grandfather, my father, and me. If she treated my father the same way she did me when I was growing up, he would have hated his father.” I scrubbed my face with my hands because I still couldn’t believe it was all true. “My grandfather protected his son as best he could, and my father protected me the only way he knew how.”

“They both loved you, Cass. I don’t need a file or report to tell me that,” JJ said.

I nodded. “Is there anything else?”

“The only other thing we managed to dig up was the police report your father filed. Just like you, your gran—she—got custody of Charlie when he was a couple of years old. Your father filed a missing persons report because she wouldn’t let him see Charlie. He was hoping it would ultimately force her to give Charlie back. The chief made it disappear, but Patricia had no idea how much of the file I’d seen and when she realized you and I were seeing each other, she⁠—”

“She had Renly shoot you and cover it by killing the agent and the witnesses.”

“Sully thinks the cop who was on his way to relieve me, the one whose squad car got hit by the dump truck, was never supposed to arrive because Renly or whoever he hired to shoot me needed to be the one who relieved me.”

“Fuck,” I muttered. “They couldn’t have done all this alone.”

“It’s going to take a while to figure things out,” JJ admitted.

“All of it for what? Power? Financial and political power? What the hell did she need me, Dad, and Charlie for?”

“She needed the Ashby name. Without it, she was nobody,” he responded.

JJ rested his head on my shoulder. All the crap that had been roaring like a twister in my brain dissipated, though I knew it would be back. I wouldn’t store it all away, but I couldn’t expect to find one easy answer either. The one constant in my life that I’d never have to question was sitting right next to me.

“Mr. Ashby?”

We jumped to our feet. The doctor who’d called my name had on surgeon scrubs. I linked my fingers with JJ’s and closed my eyes for a moment so I could just hold on to him and nothing else.

He made me stronger.

He made me safer.

He made me better.

No matter what words the surgeon would speak, we’d be okay. Whether it be joy or devastation, we’d feel it together. We’d figure out how to move forward. We’d deal with all the secrets, lies, and truths that lay ahead of us.

We.

Us.

I knew it would be like that forever, and if one of those boxes in my head tried to convince me otherwise, all I’d need to do was look down because the proof would be in my hand.

Just like it was now.

Just like it always would be.

Epilogue

JJ

THREE MONTHS LATER

“Oh God,” I cried out as my body involuntarily arched every time Cass’s sinful tongue licked my hole. Never in a million years would I have thought being rimmed could steal one’s breath. Add in the fact that it was Cass doing the rimming, and a lot more than just my breath was being stolen.

“You comfortable, sweetheart?” Cass asked before he licked over the sensitive spot just behind my balls.

“Fuck you,” I growled because the bastard knew I couldn’t answer his question. Hell yeah, I was comfortable with Cass’s tongue on my body, but my overstimulated dick was screaming for release. That wasn’t exactly comfortable.

The position I was in, well, that was both too. It was uncomfortable because my head was pressed up against the door so Cass could have room to do his magic. It probably should have been uncomfortable to have my body bent in on itself so he could reach the spots he wanted to shower with attention. On the other hand, the sight of Cass’s gorgeous lips kissing and licking his way up and down the inside of my thighs couldn’t be described.

“In due time,” Cass said with a laugh before his head disappeared again. “Jesus!” I moaned as his tongue began to push inside of me. He’d already spent more than enough time prepping me with two of his well-lubed fingers, so my hole easily collapsed under the pressure of his stiffened tongue.

“I’m going to come,” I said.

“Didn’t I warn you about this, JJ?”

“Warn me about—about what?” I bit out as Cass’s tongue licked its way north. I held my breath as I waited for him to suck my dick into the heat of his mouth, but all he did was lick the head before continuing up my body. When his mouth covered mine, I could taste myself on his tongue.

The scorching kiss was accompanied by Cass’s cock sliding against mine. He kept the contact to a minimum and refused to let me rub my dick against his when I lifted my hips.

“Didn’t you say something about me giving you a few seconds of pleasure?” Cass breathed against my lips.

“Oh my God, are you talking about when we were in the SUV, and I was talking about⁠—”

Before I could finish my rant, Cass slid down my body and swallowed my dick to the back of his throat. I bucked wildly and thrust my hips as high as I could get them so I could fuck his mouth. I was on the edge of relief when Cass’s mouth popped off.

“Enough,” I growled as I flopped back on the supple leather beneath me. “Now I’m glad you didn’t take my suggestion that we put a blanket beneath us. I’m going to come so hard all over this seat⁠—”

Cass kissed me languidly, bringing me back from the edge of the cliff I’d been about to fall from. “Why do you think I said no to the blanket?”

I groaned as Cass shifted his hips so his dick was tapping my ass cheeks. Another kiss, gentler this time. Like he was taking a sip of fine wine. “I want your spunk in every crevice, in every crack of the leather.” Another kiss along with his dick sliding up and down my crease.

I let out a string of curses as Cass once again left me hanging right on the edge.

His firm fingers wrapped around my chin so I’d be forced to look at him. “I want to smell you every time I get into this car,” he growled. Cass’s mouth slanted over mine. Our tongues dueled for control, but I was so strung out that I had to break the kiss so I could catch my breath.

“Ready to say it?” Cass asked. He reached down so he could grab his cock and maneuver the head against my opening. I could feel his pre-cum dripping over my hole. Since I’d been given the all clear from my doctor when it came to my second round of testing, Cass had decided we should both get to have our fantasies. He was fucking me in the back seat of his car, and when he came, it would be when he was balls deep inside of me.

“It’s not a fair fight,” I blustered as he continued to tease me. “Untie me and I’ll⁠—”

Cass chose that moment to slide his finger deep into my body. He grazed my prostate.

“Fine, fine, you win. Now untie me, you asshole, and fuck me!” I hissed.

Having my wrists tied to the door’s armrest hadn’t been part of the original plan, but when it came to Cass, nothing about making love with him was planned. When we’d finally had intercourse for the first time, it had been at my own house and on the kitchen table, no less. Sully had been working late but that hadn’t meant he couldn’t have walked in at any moment. The idea of getting caught doing it on the table my brother, Cass, and I ate on every day had made me come with just a few hard thrusts of Cass’s condom-covered dick.

Instead of coming himself, Cass had kept me lying on the table, spread-eagled, so he could toy with me until I was hard again. Then he’d sat down on one of the chairs, the one I usually sat in, and practically dragged me onto his lap. He’d made it so my back was pressed to his front. The position had given me some control over the pace, but truth be told, I hadn’t wanted control. Cass had made slow, passionate love to me, all while whispering how much he loved me in my ear along with other endearments and praise. He had stroked my dick as he’d thrust into me and by the time he’d bucked up into me, filling the condom, I’d been spewing my load all over the place.

Cass and I had spent several frantic minutes cleaning up all the remnants of cum we could find, and we’d been in the process of putting our clothes on as Sully’s truck had pulled into the driveway. My ass had been on fire as we’d sat at the table. The mere thought of what Cass had done to me on the table and the chair had gotten me squirming to the point that Sully had asked me what was wrong as he’d reached for his second slice of pizza. I’d sputtered some lame excuse about my ass itching, which had made Cass laugh so hard that he’d nearly choked on his pizza.

My brother had looked at both of us like we were insane. The worst part had come when Sully had gotten up to take his dishes to the sink. As tall as my brother was, he’d nearly hit his head on the chandelier above the kitchen. That was when Cass and I had noticed a couple drops of semen dangling precariously from the light fixture. Cass had smiled in amusement while I’d been horrified. I’d had to knock over my glass of water to distract Sully. When he had gone in search of a kitchen towel just beneath the sink, I’d stood up and swiped at the drops with my napkin.

Now, as Cass reached for the soft rope he’d used to tie me up with, I took full advantage of his attempt to get the circulation flowing in my wrists. I distracted him with my mouth and just like that, I looped the rope around his wrists so he was tied to the armrest. I kept the bonds loose enough that Cass could easily slide out of them, but he didn’t. “Hmmm, you have me where you want me, but whatever will you do with me?” he asked.

“Shut up,” I snapped. I grabbed his ass and dragged him forward so he was tucked against my body. I maneuvered his dick to my opening. “Fuck me,” I ordered, though I kept my voice soft. As hot as what Cass had been doing to me was, I still wanted the fucking to really be making love.

His mouth dropped down to cover mine and then he lifted his head so we could look each other in the eye. I still had one hand on his dick. I left it there until the head of his cock pushed into me. All the laughter was gone as Cass began to rock in and out of me, going deeper each time. I had my hands on his ass and my hips lifted enough that I could control the pace. The intensity and uninhibited love in his eyes had me easing back on the pressure on his ass.

“Another first for us,” I whispered.

Cass was the one who was struggling to breathe now. I had yet to fuck him, so I didn’t know exactly what he was feeling, but I knew what his hot, bare dick felt like as it glided in and out of me at an excruciatingly slow pace. I could feel his ass muscles flexing beneath my palms as he rolled his hips over mine.

“Baby, I’m sorry, I’m not gonna last,” I admitted.

“Me neither,” he said as he increased the pace of his thrusts. “We’ve got forever to get the timing just right.” Cass smiled.

“Forever sounds good.” I reached up with one hand to undo the rope around Cass’s wrists. His hands immediately cupped my cheeks. I moaned as his tongue mated with mine. He began to pound into me, each stroke harder than the one before.

My cock was trapped between our bodies, but the way Cass’s abdomen was sliding over the shaft, I knew my already over-sensitized dick wouldn’t need any more stimulation.

“Love you so much,” Cass growled. He put one hand against the door and grabbed my ass with his other hand. He began ramming into me as sweat drenched his forehead. I kept one hand on his back while I used the other to push his hair out of his face so I could really see him. Between our shared moans and grunts, I knew we were both right there. I wished I could see the Mustang from the outside as it rocked back and forth. Cass’s hand was the only thing keeping my head from hitting the door. His other hand lifted one of my legs so it was over his shoulder. He was as deep inside of me as he could get, but his frenzied pounding and the slapping of his heavy balls against my ass was proof that it wasn’t enough. The new position meant the hand of the arm he was using to brace my leg was free. I closed my eyes as the near painful feel of his long fingers wrapping around my dick ripped through me.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” Cass yelled as he rammed into me several more times, nailing my prostate in the process. I shouted when the orgasm hit. It rolled over me in waves as my dick shot streams of cum everywhere. Cass slammed into me one final time. He’d moved his arm so he could hold on to my thigh. When his release began to fill me, he gripped my leg hard, holding me in place as his dick continued to spill inside of me. The sensation of his hot juices coating my insides had more spunk coming out of me every time my body jerked with an aftershock. Whenever his dick pushed forward despite having nowhere to go, another aftershock hit me, causing me to squeeze my inner muscles, which then set him off again. It seemed to last forever.

Cass collapsed on top of me, his heavier weight pushing me into the leather seats beneath me. Between my sweat and my cum, he was going to get his wish. The car would smell like me for a while. It would smell like him too, because even though his dick was still inside of me, I could feel his semen seeping out of my ass.

Neither of us spoke as we both caught our breath and continued to let the aftermath of the orgasm hold our bodies captive.

A lot had changed in the span of just a few weeks, but I knew that what we were feeling now would be forever.

As much as I liked having Cass all to myself, I was glad that besides me and Sully, Cass was getting to spend time with both his father and little brother. Chandler Ashby was still recovering in the hospital. He’d had multiple surgeries to deal with all the damage the bullet had done, but he was awake and talking.

To both his sons.

Charlie had reconnected with his father as easily as if they’d never been apart. Cass’s relationship with his father was going to take time to rebuild.

A lot of time.

The sheer volume of lies Patricia Ashby had fed to Cass over the years had been beyond what he could have imagined. Cass’s mother hadn’t had cancer prior to conceiving Cass. She’d died of ovarian cancer a year after his birth. The relationship between Cass’s mother and father had been one bound in love and Chandler had never once cheated on her.

Patricia hadn’t approved of Jaqueline Croft for her son because of her “breeding.” Cass’s grandmother had viewed Cass’s mother as being below the Ashby’s social station. Jaqueline hadn’t come from money, she hadn’t been a part of the elite “society,” and she’d had what Patricia Ashby had deemed a failure of a career. Cass’s mother had been an elementary school teacher and she’d loved every moment of it. In one of Chandler Ashby’s few moments of independence from his overbearing mother, he’d eloped with the love of his life. When he’d lost her a couple years later, Chandler had been so stricken with grief that he’d handed Cass off to his own mother. By the time Chandler had tried to get him back, Patricia had held enough power to get official custody of Cass.

Chandler had admitted to Cass that he hadn’t fought hard enough for his first son and that he’d been too lost in drugs and alcohol to make sense of the death of Cass’s half sister, Allison. When he’d sobered up long enough to accept it, he’d compartmentalized it in the same way Cass had escaped the horrors of prison. Chandler, like so many others, had been pulled into Patricia Ashby’s world where control meant power and power meant money. Patricia had bullied and manipulated her son from the time he’d been a child, and Chandler’s father hadn’t had the strength to go against his wife, a woman he’d truly loved at one point. The cycle had continued with each new Ashby male heir, but it had been broken with Cass when he’d met my family and had learned what being part of a family really meant. Unwilling to let Cass go even after his time in the military, she’d been planning on getting him back under her control.

That was where I’d gotten in the way.

There were many loose ends to deal with, including the location of Charlie’s mother. Discovering who all the people were who’d aided Patricia was proving to be a challenge. The twisted irony of it all was that she had been smart enough, strong enough, and driven enough to run the Ashby empire without the need for an Ashby male to be the face of the company.

“I think we have to call that one a draw,” Cass said to me as he shifted until his dick slid out of me. Despite the sting in my ass, I already wanted him again.

“Agreed,” I said. “You get to pick the next fantasy spot, though.”

Cass chuckled as he settled his weight back down on me. His arms went around me, providing my shoulders and head with a bunch of sexy muscle as a pillow. I put my arms around him and ran my fingers up and down his spine. As well as he and I were doing, we both had a lot to deal with when it came to our personal issues. Cass was seeing a therapist several times a week to deal with the mental damage done by his years in solitary confinement as well as what his grandmother had done to him. I sat in on the sessions whenever he wanted me there, but sometimes he needed to do it alone. It didn’t change the fact that our relationship was still us and not just him or me. We made each other stronger for the times we did spend apart.

I’d had to face my own demons.

Or demon, rather.

After seeing several neurologists, I’d been given similar answers about the pain I continued to experience. Every single one of them had come to the same conclusion that the nerve damage causing the pain was permanent. They couldn’t explain what would cause an episode, but I’d begun trying different medications to get ahead of the pain.

Several of the specialists had agreed that I would likely never get my memory back. There was both frustration and relief in knowing that. I was finally beginning to accept that a piece of my life would always be missing, but more importantly, I was learning to forgive myself for all the reckless behavior I’d engaged in. The brain injury that was causing the pain was a game changer, though. The fact that I didn’t know when an episode would hit made me a liability out in the field. It even made me a liability when it came to things like driving a car. Even if the doctors found the right mix of medications and dosages that would make the episodes nearly non-existent, I couldn’t be cured and no way in hell was I willing to put others at risk just so I could pretend everything was okay.

Adjusting to the knowledge that I wouldn’t be carrying a gun anymore and that something I’d always taken for granted, driving a car, was gone for good too had hit me harder than I’d wanted to admit.

When I’d submitted my official resignation from Targes to my brother, he’d flat out refused to accept it and torn the document up. While I was a skilled marksman, Targes didn’t just need men and women to carry guns around and shoot the bad guys. Sully was insistent that not only was I automatically a partner in the business, I was also in charge of building up an investigative team. Between Cass and Sully, I’d accepted the fact that I was good at reading people and seeing things others didn’t. That wasn’t a useless quality. It would take time to find people who had the natural ability to observe and use critical thinking to solve problems and devise solutions, but I knew it was something I could do. In fact, I already had my eye on my first potential team member.

My brother’s assistant, Michael.

While I knew next to nothing about the young man, he’d already proven that he had skills that went beyond normal assistant work. Even better, though, Michael had moxie. He’d been the one who’d kept Sully out of the office while I’d been talking Cass down from the fallout of learning that his grandmother had not only lied to him, but she’d also replaced him. Apparently, all Michael had needed to do was stand in front of the door. For whatever reason, my brother hadn’t been able or willing to put his hands on the younger man.

Cass had agreed to go out into the field once all the legal stuff had been worked out. Asa Hutch was determined to get Cass a cash settlement from the city that would last him a thousand lifetimes, but more importantly, Asa wanted to put every man and woman behind bars whose palms Patricia Ashby had greased. The only money Cass was interested in was the money he felt he owed Sully for the mortgage on the house we were all now sharing. Considering all the business I had a feeling was coming our way, the house would be back in our hands inside of a year or less.

“Okay, gorgeous, get your gigantic, unbelievably sexy body off me so I can go shower. And since you wanted all the spunk in the car, I’ll leave you to work on that,” I said to Cass. It took a lot of pushing to get his heavier body to shift even a little, but when he finally groaned and moved his weight off me, I flashed him a victorious smile. “Bring in the clothes too, will you, sweetheart?” I added before getting out of the Mustang.

We were back at the little cabin where Cass and I had made love for the first time. Sully had insisted we both take some time off and go somewhere, but the way he’d said it, it had sounded like he’d been more eager to get rid of us for a while rather than us needing a vacation. I couldn’t blame my brother because Cass and I weren’t exactly quiet when it came to sex. I was also pretty sure Sully was onto us about using different spots around the house to have quickies that were rarely quick. I figured it’d been the time that Cass had fucked me in the laundry room while Sully had been in the next room watching a football game that had pushed my brother over the edge.

Since the cabin was in the middle of nowhere, I didn’t worry about the fact that I was stark naked as I made my way around the car. I’d just stepped in front of the Mustang when a strong hand pulled me backwards. I groaned when Cass kissed me.

I would never tire of his touch. I would never tire of the way he looked at me or the way he said my name. I would never tire of anything about Cassius Ashby.

Well, there was one kind of tired I’d be when it came to Cass. It was a good kind of tired, though.

“Where do you think you’re going, sweetheart?” he asked. I could feel his dick hardening against my thigh.

“Are you kidding⁠—”

“You never got to hear my fantasy spot,” Cass said.

Although the air around us was starting to cool, his warmth enveloped me.

“Yes, I did. You wanted to fuck me in the back seat of your car, same as mine.”

“Did I say the back seat of the car?” Cass asked.

“Yes, you did,” I said, even though I wasn’t sure what he’d said. I’d been too busy imagining him doing what he’d just done.

He walked me backwards until the backs of my legs hit the front of the Mustang. I looked down in confusion and noticed the headlights were on. Cass kissed me hard and then he lifted me until my ass landed on the hood of the muscle car. He leaned over me, forcing me to lie down in the process. “I’m pretty sure I said the hood of my car.”

“I’m pretty sure you didn’t because I would have remembered that,” I responded. Even now, I could feel my dick hardening. “Getting fucked on a car isn’t something you think about every day.”

“No?” Cass asked. He straightened and then pulled me down the hood until my dick was pressed up against his.

“No,” I moaned as his fingers ran the length of my dick. “Yes,” I whispered.

“Which is it, sweetheart? Yes or no?” Cass asked as he leaned over me again. The move pushed my ass up, giving him direct access to my hole.

“Yes,” I said harshly as he dipped his head and ran his tongue around the head of my cock. “Yes, you definitely mentioned fucking on the hood of the car.”

Cass continued to tease me with intimate caresses and soft kisses.

“If you pull that shit you did in the car⁠—”

“You’ll love every second of it,” Cass interjected as he pulled me upright and laid a searing kiss on me.

“Yes,” I agreed wholeheartedly.

“Good, now hop down.”

He moved out of my way but supported me when gravity forced me to put my legs down. “Cass,” I began in confusion. “Did you want to do it from behind?”

Surely the asshole wasn’t going to put the image in my head and then leave it there until he was ready to play it out.

“From behind sounds good,” Cass said with an appreciative nod.

“You’re being weird,” I responded even as shivers ran down my spine. I put my hands down on the hood and stuck my ass out. I figured Cass would put me in whatever spot he wanted when he was ready and not a moment before.

“Babe,” Cass said as he bent to whisper in my ear. “I’m loving that gorgeous ass of yours, but I don’t think you heard me right.”

I straightened. “Okay, you’re pissing me off now. If you want this gorgeous ass, you’re going to have to start kissing it pretty soon.”

“I’m okay with that.”

“Fine, so are we doing this or not?”

“Like I said, you didn’t hear me right.”

I threw my hands up in exasperation. “You said you wanted to fuck on the hood of your car.”

Cass pulled me in close so he could once again press his mouth against my ear. “Oh, dear, I must’ve left out the most important part. I’m sorry,” he said, completely unapologetic. He bit down gently on my lobe. “JJ, my love, what I meant to say was I want to be fucked on the hood of the car.”

“What?” I said in disbelief. “We’ve never done that⁠—”

“Another first, then,” Cass murmured against my mouth. “Are you game?” he asked just before he pulled back and settled his palms on the hood of his car, his lush ass now on display.

“I’m game,” I blurted as I stepped behind Cass and ran my hand over his tight globes. “Very, very game.”

Cass shot me a wink over his shoulder. He smirked and looked at my hard dick. Then his eyes met mine and he gave me one of his smiles. One of his “For JJ only” smiles.

“Then let the games begin.”

About the Author

Dear Reader,

I hope you enjoyed Cass and JJ’s story! There are still more Targes guys coming your way so stay tuned. I’m thinking Sully needs to be taken down a couple of notches, don’t you? I see a particular guy in his future that’s not so keen on orders (or nicknames).

As an independent author, I am always grateful for feedback so if you have the time and desire, please leave a review, good or bad, so I can continue to find out what my readers like and don’t like. You can also send me feedback via email at sloane@sloanekennedy.com

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Also by Sloane Kennedy

(Note: Not all titles will be available on all retail sites)

The Escort Series

Gabriel’s Rule (M/F)

Shane’s Fall (M/F)

Logan’s Need (M/M)

Barretti Security Series

Loving Vin (M/F)

Redeeming Rafe (M/M)

Saving Ren (M/M/M)

Freeing Zane (M/M)

Finding Series

Finding Home (M/M/M)

Finding Trust (M/M)

Finding Peace (M/M)

Finding Forgiveness (M/M)

Finding Hope (M/M/M)

Love in Eden

Always Mine (M/M)

Choosing Fate (M/F)

Tempting Fate (M/M)

Pelican Bay Series

Locked in Silence (M/M)

Sanctuary Found (M/M)

The Truth Within (M/M)

More Than Enough (M/M)

Chasing Secrets (M/M)

The Protectors

Absolution (M/M/M)

Salvation (M/M)

Retribution (M/M)

Forsaken (M/M)

Vengeance (M/M/M)

A Protectors Family Christmas

Atonement (M/M)

Revelation (M/M)

Redemption (M/M)

Defiance (M/M)

Unexpected (M/M/M)

Shattered (M/M)

Unbroken (M/M)

Obsessed (M/M)

Protecting Elliot: A Protectors Novella (M/M)

Discovering Daisy: A Protectors Novella (M/M/F)

Pretend You’re Mine: A Protectors Short Story (M/M)

The Four

Forgotten: Luca (M/M)

Foreseen: Lex (M/M)

Forgiven: Con(M/M)

Forbidden: King (M/M)

Rushed: Christopher (M/M)

Non-Series

Four Ever (M/M/M/M)

Letting Go (M/F)

Watch Me (M/M)

Short Stories

A Touch of Color

Catching Orion

Twist of Fate Series (co-writing with Lucy Lennox)

Lost and Found (M/M)

Safe and Sound (M/M)

Body and Soul (M/M)

Above and Beyond (M/M)

Crossover Books with Lucy Lennox

Made Mine: A Protectors/Made Marian Crossover (M/M)