About the Book

Unseen University are proud to present the most comprehensive map and guide to the Disc yet produced.

In this noble endeavour, drawing upon the hard-won knowledge of many great and, inevitably, late explorers, one may locate on a detailed plan of our world such fabled realms as the Condiment Isles, trace the course of the River Kneck as it deposits silt and border disputes in equal abundance on the lands either side, and contemplate the vast deserts of Klatch and Howondaland – a salutary lesson in the perils of allowing one’s goats to graze unchecked.

Each nation, its people, customs, terrain and economic pursuits, is described in due turn, transporting the reader from the fat mines of Uberwald and the magic-carpet market of Al Khali to the highest monasteries of the Ramtops, and the blood- and cocoa-stained temples of the Tezuman Empire. This instructive volume is essential reading for all who wish to learn more about the lands atop the turtle.

Introducing Discworld

The Discworld series is a continuous history of a world not totally unlike our own, except that it is a flat disc carried on the backs of four elephants astride a giant turtle floating through space, and that it is peopled by, among others, wizards, dwarves, policemen, thieves, beggars, vampires and witches. Within the history of Discworld there are many individual stories, which can be read in any order, but reading them in sequence can increase your enjoyment through the accumulation of all the fine detail that contributes to the teeming imaginative complexity of this brilliantly conceived world.

For the edification, diversion and, dare we even say, delight of readers, this publication sets out a most complete audit of our world. We define the boundaries of nations, plot the course of rivers, and delineate mountain ranges and natural formations of a geographical nature as have never been seen in such detail, accuracy and ambition of scale before. The character of each region also falls within our scope – great cities, proud cultures and traditions, and the ways in which the many industrious peoples of the Disc have learnt to exploit the riches of the landscape itself, from fertile soils and teeming seas to rich seams of treacle.

In presenting to the public this new Atlas we have spared no expense to procure the fullest and most authentic information. We have availed ourselves of the accounts of explorers, merchants, mariners and missionaries. Those whose task is the building of our great clacks network and the wonder which is our new railway system have supplied comprehensive reports and surveys which augment our knowledge with detailed description and information for the traveller, academic and curious child alike.

Included for the first time is a comprehensive Gazetteer that lists not only the countries and towns, rivers and mountains but also provides a simple grid reference allowing the location to be most easily identified.

The Discworld Atlas has been compiled under the aegis of the Unseen University’s Department of Cruel and Unusual Geography, benefiting from the expert knowledge of Professor Rincewind, whose recollection of his travels is so remarkably clear that he did not find it necessary to revisit any location to further the department’s work on this volume. The Atlas also enjoys the patronage of the Patrician himself, Lord Havelock Vetinari, to whom we respectfully dedicate this publication.

This well-developed area, a familiar landscape to many of our readers, stretches from the Circle Sea hubwards to the Carrack Mountains, turnwise to Pseudopolis and the Soar valley, and widdershins to the lower Smarl valley including Skund, Chirm and the Morpork Mountain range. It is dominated by a number of powerful city states, interspersed with farmland, rivers, forests and so many cruciferous vegetables that it has become known as the cabbage bowl of the Disc.

ANKH-MORPORK

Ankh-Morpork nestles at the mouth of the River Ankh where it opens into the Circle Sea, its busy port a gateway to the world. It is often said that every commodity that can be found in the world can also be found somewhere in the sprawling Ankh-Morpork city docks: if not stacked on the quayside, or in the great bonded warehouse, then in the pockets of individual entrepreneurs who, with knowing wink and discreet hand signal, will strike a deal and exchange a bottle of brandy, packet of cigars or some exotic product of a recreational nature for ready cash.

In the sheltered harbour one can see the dhows of Klatch, the sleek clippers of the Turnwise Ocean Trading Company and pot-bellied merchantmen who sail up and down the coast from Gonim to the tobacco plantations of Howondaland. Ankh-Morpork is not only the largest city in our world but also the dominant commercial and political centre. Every civilized country has an embassy or consulate there. In the case of smaller or humbler countries this can often be found sharing premises with a curry house, furrier or in the case of the Zlobenians a clog emporium. In this way commerce is served, cultural identity maintained and everyone makes a dollar which is the Ankh-Morpork way.

The Unseen University is the world’s premier educational establishment, its graduates now in positions of authority in universities worldwide. Indeed some of its research wizards have apparently travelled to another world altogether. Useful by-products of research in the Department of High Energy Magic include items such as thaumic locks, Biothaumic Imagers and of course the Personal Disorganizer, all of which are of significant export value.

The Compleat Ankh-Morpork, a companion volume to this publication, provides full information on all aspects of our great city. However, since its publication increasing requirements for industrial premises, and growth in population, have resulted in a considerable expansion of the city beyond its ancient walls. The new King’s Dock downriver of the Rivergate now handles heavy-tonnage shipping for the railway, and satellite towns such as Upunder, Suffink and Nuffink provide accommodation for immigrant labour as well as the ever increasing indigenous population.

STO PLAINS: THE LOWER ANKH VALLEY

The Ankh-Morpork hegemony encompasses the independent states of the Sto Plains. Over the centuries squabbles and shifting alliances have given rise to formal wars and informal skirmishes, and the boundaries between territories have advanced a few hundred yards from field edge to farm track and back again. With the exception of the Long Thin Debated Piece Hubwards of Sto Kerrig territorial disputes are a thing of the past; these days marriage pacts, long engagements and formal liaisons weave alliances and shape the political fabric of the region in much the same way that large families keep their progeny strong and healthy with the help of door-to-door salesmen and window cleaners.

Geography and climate

Flat plains lie either side of the River Ankh, extending hubwards to the Carrack Mountains. The succulent fecundity of this region is legendary, and gives rise to a burgeoning vegetable bounty that is the finest brassica crop anywhere in the world. The gentle breezes of the Sto Plains have a distinctive bouquet like no other and for many of those who grew up in this region it is the comforting smell of home. A temperate climate with regular rainfall completes the requirements of this crop. The major population hubs are those cities which previously competed with Ankh-Morpork for dominance – Sto Lat, Sto Kerrig and Sto Helit.

Agriculture, industry and commerce

The railway’s requirement for iron, coal and water has brought into being numerous settlements along the tracks and once remote hamlets and villages now have access to a railway station with all the benefits which that provides. Regular freight trains transport produce, at a speed hitherto unknown, to Ankh-Morpork City, and thence via the docks to many corners of the world that have not previously had the benefit of so many cabbages. This wider market has led to numerous canning and bottling plants and ever more adventurous methods of retaining the wholesome nature of the crop. Brassica by-products such as the Huddle Coat and the Upunder Boot are now to be found as far away as the valleys of Llamedos and the fishing fleets of Hergen. The Horticultural Research facilities at Big Cabbage have extended their remit and their seed banks now include specimens from many other commercial crops such as tobacco and coffee. A programme to develop new cultivars of various reannuals* is about to be launched, that will lead to the exciting first harvest last year. Meanwhile, at Cabbage Down which has links with the defence industry, selective breeding of exotic flora has had mixed results. A cross between the Sledge-Hammer Shrub and the Accelerating Bamboo resulted in a hybrid known as the Pile-driver Plant, which while of no immediate interest to the arms business is useful in the construction industry and may well have medical applications.

STO LAT

The kingdom of Sto Lat is perched on a rocky outcrop like an island surrounded by a sea of cabbage fields. It is the commercial centre of the cabbage trade and boasts the Grand Brassica Exchange Building where the crop is bought and sold. Nearby, Swine Town has expanded into a base for the railway industry and vast forges glow day and night in the production of track and locomotive.

STO HELIT

Known for the skill of its tailors and lace-makers, Sto Helit has become a centre of excellence for the manufacture of formal wear for ladies and gentlemen, including morning coats, ball-gowns and a range of essential underpinnings such as bustles, farthingales, flounces, panniers, ruffs, under-ruffs, over-ruffs, petticoats, pettipants, pantalettes and sleeve puffers. A Sto Helit seamstress has a very different reputation from her sister in Ankh-Morpork.

STO KERRIG

Sto Kerrig, which is located on the River Sour, a tributary of the Ankh, is the centre of a paper-making industry based on cabbages; artisan craftsmen produce fine watercolour paper from the white-leaved Bockingfield cabbage. A special broccoli-juice-impregnated gummed paper is supplied to the Ankh-Morpork Post Office for production of stamps.

The numerous other settlements in the Sto Plains are for the most part self-governing on a day-to-day basis, under the leadership of a mayor or the local landowner, but the Ankh-Morpork dollar reigns throughout the area, and all follow that city’s lead, albeit often some decades to the rear. The advent of the railway, with its multi-species workforce and enlarged clacks system, has greatly accelerated the transfer of culture and ideas, especially among the young. Indeed the romance of steam and the lure of the Big Wahoonie are exerting such a pull as to make traditional agricultural communities question their future.

Small towns further hubward along the Ankh include Much Come Lately, which is the heart of the cabbage-leaf hat- and bonnet-making trade, the Feltwhistles, famous for their pigs, and Fratchwood, where rustic furniture is produced.

For those wishing to know more about the Sto Plains a useful guide Mrs Bradshaw’s Handbook, published by Messrs Goatberger of Ankh-Morpork, is available.

WIDDERSHINS STO PLAINS

Widdershins of the Sto Plains cities the landscape becomes craggier and more densely covered with trees or bandits, none of which is conducive to cabbage production and therefore civilization. This area includes the town of Chirm and the Morpork Mountains, and extends hubwards to the Forest of Skund.

CHIRM

A town on the Circle Sea coast at the widdershins extremity of the Sto Plains. The once busy harbour is now silted up and bracing winds scour a landscape of grey mudflats extending as far as the eye can see. The population make a precarious living collecting shellfish and driftwood. The once prolific oyster beds which were responsible for the prosperity of the town have become unproductive.

THE MORPORK MOUNTAINS

A small and isolated coastal range. In spite of being no great distance from Ankh-Morpork the area remains wilderness: there are no decent roads nor any clacks terminal. This is dangerous country completely overrun by two warring families of small-time miners. When they are not poisoning each other’s vile home-distilled hooch, boobytrapping each other’s banjos or undermining each other’s mines, they are liable to turn on anyone else who strays into their path, with unbelievable ferocity. In Professor Rincewind’s opinion they show no respect for their environment: he has personally discovered cave walls covered in graffiti of bulls and antelope. There are also bears.

THE KINGDOM AND FOREST OF SKUND

The Enchanted Forest of Skund* seems to have settled down in an area extending widdershins and hubward from the lower Ankh valley, rising to its highest point at Mount Oolskunrahod.† We are reliably informed by the great adventurer, swordsman and gallant, Count G. Casanunda, that the Kingdom of Skund, on its hubward edge, is a fortified city state currently ruled by Queen Agantia. The forest has had a disturbed past, with sections being forced to move vast distances at the beck and call of various magical imperatives. Individual trees may also walk around, and have been known to address anyone they bump into (usually with an apology). Skund is home to barbarian heroes – maybe acquired when the forest was on location near the Hub – and has sheltered practitioners of the gingerbread cottage school of witchcraft. The behaviour of many forest dwellers has left a lot to be desired and the prevailing feeling of menace has not encouraged visitors. With the coming of the railway, attempts have been made to open up the forest to tourism: the Enchanted Forestry Commission has been charged with this task alongside the conservation of species such as the Skund Five-Headed Vampire Goat, whose numbers have declined due to hunting and to their natural habitat leaving them behind when the forest moved.

TURNWISE STO PLAINS

The area extending turnwise from Ankh-Morpork to the border with the Duchy of Quirm has seen much development in recent years due to the construction of the Ankh-Morpork to Quirm railway. It includes small settlements and large swathes of less developed and difficult to map land.

Geography and climate

The Turnwise Sto Plains are particularly varied in terrain. The coastal region around Holy Wood is an unproductive area of sand dunes dominated by ParaMountain, a single, not very high hill; turnwise the land level falls, leading to the swamps known as the Netherglades. Inland lies productive agricultural countryside, with small farms, orchards and wooded areas, the most noteworthy being the Effing Forest.

THE EFFING FOREST

Fifty miles turnwise of Ankh-Morpork, it is mainly populated by loggers and woodworkers, with the occasional family-run coalmine. This rural and, until recently, isolated population have found a new market for their products with the coming of the railway. The wonderfully and naturally pigmented oak-wood which grows in this forest is highly sought after by the high-end furniture-makers and interior designers of Ankh-Morpork.

SHANKYDOODLE

Shankydoodle has only come into prominence since the advent of the railway. It is a small town close to the Netherglades and is surrounded by hamlets and farmsteads where the pace of life is measured by the horse-racing calendar rather than any agricultural imperative. Magnificent racehorses with long pedigrees and longer names are bred by people whose knowledge of the turf is equal to their skill in brewing a fine dark porter from locally grown hops, barley and spring water.

THE NETHERGLADES

A steamy, bird-abundant, reed-drifting swamp area along the Rim Ocean coast where there is little dry land and none of that is permanent. The indigenous humans, who over the course of generations have adapted to suit these conditions, live and garden on large rafts. They distil medicinal decoctions from the local flora and fauna; the Society of Apothecaries suggests that this area could have a future as the natural pharmacopoeia of the world. It is still, however, a perilous place for the unwary, and most travellers content themselves with the view from the Quiremouth to Shankydoodle train.

THE QUIRE VALLEY

Hubwards of the Effing Forest, the River Quire cuts through a bucolic region of the Ankh-Morpork hegemony, bordering the rival states of Pseudopolis and Quirm.

Geography and climate

The River Quire rises at the base of the Chalk. In its upper reaches, its valley is a major watershed marking the widdershins limit of the Octarine Grass Country; it then runs down through the Shires, finally snaking its way by a series of lazy meanders to a wide estuary in Quirm. The silting up of the Quire has worsened over time in the Shires – recent mineral analysis of the riverbanks has revealed the probable source of the problem, as they seem mainly to be composed of cow dung. An area of cliff caves and tunnels called the Overhangs is located in the foothills of the Carrack Mountains, on the hubward fringe of the Shires. The climate is mostly temperate, although there is a tendency for storms to develop along the course of the Quire in summer.

Agriculture and commerce

The Quire is navigable from the Overhangs and its oxen-powered riverboats provide the main cargo transport of the region. Also known as Old Treachery, it is a river which requires great skill to navigate and the Zoon pilots who steer the lines of barges up and down the river know every bend, shallow and crocodile. They carry iron ore and coal from the Overhangs, wool from the Chalk and livestock, vegetables and fruit from prosperous Shires farms down to Quirm. The return journey brings fish, refined toffee, wine, brandy, tobacco and luxury goods to the wealthy Shires residents. Small communities along the riverbank provide services such as boat repair and overnight stops for oxen and crew.

A new feature of the Quire valley is the line of low-roofed sheds that nestle into the landscape like a timber caterpillar. In these sheds thickly spread ox dung provides an ideal medium for growing specialized crops of rhubarb and mushrooms. The mushroom business has developed over recent years as goblins find in these sheds an ideal habitat to both live and work. They create a potent soup which finds its way into the grand dining rooms of the pleasure boats as well as the galleys of the barge folk. The rhubarb sheds on the other hand are held responsible for the rapid increase in population in the small town of Piper’s Holding. It is rumoured that a fair few of the children now filling the local school were conceived in the warmth, dark and privacy of the nearby sheds, where the sound of the rhubarb growing was the accompaniment to many an amorous encounter.

Tourism also contributes to the local economy as luxurious leisure boats including the famous Roberta E. Biscuit travel up and down the river. They provide employment for both the prettier village girls who can dance and their more homely sisters who work in the great steam laundry in Baker’s Knob.

Old Treachery

THE SHIRES

This pretty countryside of woodland, meadow and landscaped parkland is where the rich and titled families of Ankh-Morpork have established their out of town estates. Here they escape the dusty pavements and sooty air of the capital to enjoy traditional country pursuits and the produce of their well-managed farms. This produce has a certain cachet in Ankh-Morpork and Quirm where a well-packaged Rust-Estate Sausage or a carton of Crundells Complicated eggs will fetch a high price. The small town of Ham-on-Rye (sometimes referred to by the local peasantry as Scoone-on-Rye due to the preponderance of stately residences and shiny all-terrain carriages bearing the crests of great Ankh-Morpork families), which serves the area, now has a clacks terminal, as well as a long-established seminary, St Onan’s Theological College, famed throughout the region, if not perhaps the Disc, as the place where the game of crockett originated.

The demographic of the Shires is largely human, but there is a substantial goblin community around Higher and Lower Overhang and Hangnails. Now a protected minority, the goblins no longer have to contend with looters stealing their highly valued unggue pots or with attacks from pressgangs. While they are not yet fully integrated into human society, their natural mechanical ability makes them valued employees of the Grand Trunk Company. They have also created an underground railway running from the Carrack Mountains to the docks on the Quire, allowing the smelted ore produced by local dwarfs easy access to the river transport system.

QUIRM

The city of Quirm is located on the Quire estuary. Its state territory extends along the coast and inland towards the Sto Plains, where it borders the state of Ankh-Morpork.

Geography and climate

The sea current along the Quirmian coast and the prevailing wind both come across from Klatch, which creates a pleasantly warm climate all year round, making the country ideal for viticulture. The harbour on the Quire estuary provides shelter for the Quirm fishing fleets which generate much of the state’s wealth. There are natural deposits of high-grade toffee in the Worthe District and inland towards the Ankh-Morpork border ochre is mined on the Maquis, an area of hot dry scrubland.

Industry and commerce

The new railway line has made a great difference to the fishing industry as the daily catch can now be sent to Ankh-Morpork within hours of landing, where it fetches a premium price. The many vineyards, wineries and distilleries produce award-winning wines and spirits, and when things go wrong, vinegars, exported world-wide.

The QT (Quirm Traders Co.) operate a small merchant fleet to El Kinte, the nearest part of Klatch. Here they supply ochre dyes and refined syrup in exchange for offensively pungent tobacco, and perfume oils used to create Eau-de-Quirm and other fine scents under the supervision of Quirm’s greatest ‘nose’, Cyril de Sorbumme. Toffee refineries in the Worthe district produce high-grade syrup from the toffee beds. Such is the reputation of the Quirm Horticultural Research Station they receive requests to provide specimens for floral clocks throughout the continent. They have recently been involved in a joint venture with a wealthy Ankh-Morpork guild to develop a striking clock using the rare Sledgehammer Shrub.

Tourism is increasingly important to the region’s economy; easy access via the railway along with the pleasant climate has made it a popular holiday destination among residents of Ankh-Morpork and the Sto Plains cities, and many are choosing to buy a second home or retire there. The construction industry is fully employed in building hotels, and the fishing village of Quiremouth has become a popular seaside resort.

Culture

Quirmian cuisine is world-famous, and this together with fine wines has made Quirm the gourmet capital of the world. The high standards of Quirmian gastronomy are policed by the Cordon Octarine, who hand out rosettes to the best establishments based on the quality of their avec, the rudeness of their waiters and the grammatical correctness of the Restaurant Quirmian on their menus.

Quirm is also renowned for its educational institutions, notably the Quirm College for Young Ladies, whose alumnae include the daughters of the continent’s nobility. The Sorbumme district is home to the Société Joyeux which was founded by a local man, Monsieur Jean-Paul Pune. The building is now used by the Ankh-Morpork Fools’ Guild as a Summer School and retirement home for silly old fools. Tastefully impromptu street performances are common in this area; they are closely monitored by the city elders for deviations from the city ordinances on language, deportment and dress.

THE SOAR VALLEY

The River Soar rises in the lower Ramtops, hubwards of Sheepridge. For much of its considerable length it flows through the Octarine Grass Country, then broadens out across the rich alluvial plain surrounding Pseudopolis, before reaching the sea at Soarmouth.

OCTARINE GRASS COUNTRY

This broad stretch of upland prairie rimwards of the Ramtop foothills extends from the turnwise slopes of the upper Quire valley widdershins as far as Llamedos. The terrain and climate provide an ideal habitat for graminiferous plants, and the land surrounding the upper reaches of the Soar is the main grain-growing area for the Ankh-Morpork hegemony. Its proximity to the lower Ramtop foothills means it has a high thaumic level, which not only accounts for the hazy purple-green colour of the ripening wheat and corn that gives the region its sobriquet, and the large number of crop circles, but also promotes abundant crops of reannuals.

The small town of Sheepridge, situated on the valley bottom at the hubwards edge of the Octarine Grass Country, serves the surrounding agricultural communities with weekly markets, a tavern, forge and smithy. The cobbled central square is dominated by a large ornamental clock tower notable for the fine automata that emerge to mark the quarter hour by striking a small bell, and occasionally their little mechanical thumbs, with hammers. They were created by the blacksmith Fred Simnel, whose descendants include Ned Simnel, inventor of the short-lived Combination Harvester, and Ned’s son Dick, inventor of the steam locomotive. Dick Simnel recently had a brass plaque fixed to the stonework of the tower to commemorate his great-great-great-granddad.

PSEUDOPOLIS

The Republic and City of Pseudopolis serves as the economic and commercial centre for the region turnwise from Quirm and is served by the small fishing port of Soarmouth.

History and culture

A history of military incompetence and the resultant loss of influence has led to an isolationist state resentful of the fact that it is commercially dependent on Ankh-Morpork. Once a Duchy, modern Pseudopolis is governed by a democratically elected People’s Assembly who have recently voted out any form of taxation. This is exacerbated by an increase in expenditure on civic entertaining and an attempt to twin the city with R’edurat, capital of the Howondaland state of Ymitury.*

Pseudopolis boasts two significant educational establishments: the University of Brazeneck (formerly the Brazeneck School of Conjuring), which is attempting to achieve official approval of its upgraded qualifications despite a recent embarrassing incident in the Higher Energy Magic department involving a seventy-foot-high chicken; and Thrasher’s School, which provides education for the sons of cabbage farmers.

Trade and commerce

The flat plain either side of the Soar, enriched by its alluvial silts, is good farming country, producing a large crop of Autumn Reliant cabbages and broccoli, most of which is consumed locally, any excess being canned for export. Tobacco comes up the coast from Quirm and is blended to produce rolling tobacco, cigars, snuff and a local variety of fudge which members of the Assembly are usually required to eat at civic events with visible and convincing signs of enjoyment whilst declaring it to be better than anything on offer from Worthe or Morporkian treacle mines.

* Unusual varieties which require organized cultivation, reannuals are crops that if planted this year will be ready for harvest last year.

* Skund owes its name to the ‘surly native’ technique of mapmaking; the literal translation is ‘Your Finger You Fool’.

† Literally ‘Who is this Fool who does Not Know what a Mountain Is’.

* The editors understand that Ymitury was selected because of the Sultan’s reputation for generosity, some members of the Assembly being hopeful of getting a wife who could cook something other than broccoli soup and might bring exotic gyrations and other excitements to their life. They were disappointed to receive, in exchange for their gifts of coleslaw and pickled cabbage, a consignment of over-ripe dates and a barrel of shellac.

At the centre of our world the cold, green-iced, stony spike that is Cori Celesti rises ten miles into the sky to Dunmanifestin, home of the Gods. From here a vast magical field creates the spectacular Aurora Corialis with its curtains of green fire. The Ramtop Mountains circle this Hub of the Disc like a spiky crown, their sharp pinnacles a barricade against incursions. In spite or maybe because of this the monks of the Enlightenment Country have built their monasteries among these snow-covered peaks. Extending inland from the frayed coast of Nothingfjord are the chill Vortex Plains, and the barren Hubland Steppes stretch towards the Sea of Deliverance. The most populated region of the Ramtops, towards Ankh-Morpork, includes the Kingdom of Lancre.

THE ENLIGHTENMENT COUNTRY

A land without borders in the high Ramtops. From the snow-capped peaks the clear-sighted can view the Agatean Empire and the icy Dire Straits. Temples cling to crystalline slopes, gongs ringing out through air as sharp as blades. Here live the fabled monks who hold the balance of our world in their spiritual embrace.

Geography and climate

A towering landscape of ice and snow, with the exception of the Oi Dong monastery which seems to have its own microclimate. There are no maps and the exact location of the various monasteries is uncertain, though it is believed that they are many miles apart. Few can brave the distance and extreme conditions of the journey to the Enlightenment Country but some pilgrims do come to witness the wonders of the Temple of the Listening Monks and the ice-carved valley leading into it. Sound-proofed accommodation may be found in the village of Bong Hush near by, where the locals augment their living by administering hot beverages and providing thick yak-wool socks to pilgrims. The Dongees, which drains into the Dire Straits, is the only river in the region whose waters, though icy cold, never freeze. It is presumed that this is the result of the microclimate of the upper Dong valley and gives a clue to the whereabouts of the Oi Dong Monastery.

Listening monk performing the Rite of Good Vibration.

Hardy mountain people live in small settlements just above the snowline with their herds of yak. The villagers of Bong Phut, Long Nap and Songset supply food (yak meat, yak milk, yak cheese, yak butter, yak yoghurt, yak ice-cream and yak jam) to the various monasteries.

The Monasteries

THE BALANCING MONKS

At the edge of one’s senses, from the corner of the eye, it is possible to witness the work of the Balancing Monks as they perform their task of fine-tuning the equilibrium of the world, making adjustments with small brass weights which they suspend from rocky outcrops and overhanging cliffs. The sky around their monasteries is criss-crossed with wires and ropes and their voices echo through the valleys as they call out their calibrations.

THE LISTENING MONKS

The Listening Monks dwell in a temple curled like an ammonite, its aperture receptive to sounds and reverberations which swirl up the ice-carved, acoustically shaped valley.

Within the temple, complex structures amplify and clarify the sounds which funnel in to the central listening chamber where the monks are always present. Listening. Their quest is to discern the faint echoes of creation, the first tick from the dawn of time.

THE FIGHTING ORDER OF WEN
(also known as the History Monks)

These legendary monks live in the highest and most secret valley of all, in the cherry-blossom-wreathed monastery of Oi Dong (or No Such Monastery). Few outsiders have visited this monastery and returned. Those that do speak of perfect spring days, blossom-covered trees, white doves and sometimes the gift of a small copper token. They describe vast caverns filled with revolving stone cylinders and ever-changing patterns on sandy floors. More startling than mysterious are the gaily painted demons and the traps in the aptly titled Garden of Five Surprises where a little bridge tips the unwary visitor into a carp-pool, and daisies spray venomous pollen. It seems the title of their order, founded by Wen the Eternally Surprised, comes from the various martial arts performed by the monks, which are essential to develop their time-slicing skills. The injuries and destruction that exponents of okidoki and upsidazi are able to wreak are purely a side-effect of this specialist training. (Mind you, according to Mrs Cosmopilite, who offers accommodation in Ankh-Morpork to visiting acolytes, it comes in jolly handy if one is faced by unlicensed thieves or unchopped firewood. And no one has ever been seriously injured by ninja flower arranging except brother Fusta who had an accident with some teasels.) Unlikely though it may seem, these monks have their own establishment in Ankh-Morpork from which they are able to come and go unnoticed. It is believed that they have a finger on the pulse of time which in some way, unknown to ordinary mortals, they regulate to the general benefit of all.

THE YEN BUDDHISTS OF MUTURAN

The magnificent temple complex of the Yen Buddhists with its gold-roofed pagodas and domes glinting in the sun is testament to the success of their ambitions – to save the world from the dangers of personal wealth, luxury and the comfort of large bank accounts. The Yen brothers go about the world with their begging bowls, and fine illuminated mail-order catalogues offering the secret to eternal life, enlightenment and everlasting happiness. Their mantra ‘Relinquish all pleasure in this world and everything you wish for will be yours in the next’ meets with a measured response from those who have almost enough and as much as they can afford from the poor. The seriously rich, of course, get what is coming to them.

THE BROTHERS OF COOL

This select community of monks live in a small but well-designed modern monastery with plain sanded wooden floors, white walls and minimal decoration. On the decking outside is a pair of manicured trees in terracotta pots.

The monks wear simple but well-cut black habits and sunglasses. The cool rhythm of their soft-shoed gongs echoes around the valley and they offer advice on fashion and interior design to seekers after ‘cool’. They hate being confused with what they call ‘those overdressed, new-age hummers up the valley’.

THE HUBLAND STEPPES

An area of high treeless plains in the shadow of the Hub, inhabited by nomadic horsemen whose lives revolve around their shaggy Hubland horses and the by-products derived from them. Intensely tribal and warlike, they are in continual strife with their neighbours and believe that death in combat will be rewarded with an afterlife of carousing and feasting in the company of buxom young women. This expectation makes for particularly fearless warriors and many great heroes have their origins in this region.

Hublanders also have a facility for natural magic and the female elders are adept fortune tellers using either Caroc cards or more traditionally the Ching Aling. Predicting someone’s future in this region is not difficult. ‘You will be struck down and die heroically in battle’ covers most outcomes.

THE VORTEX PLAINS

A vast area of trackless wastes interspersed with stone circles, mystic avenues and immense monoliths. A place of vexatious blizzards, peevish squalls, freezing rain and always the wind. The Vortex winds emanate from the Hub, bringing with them enough raw magic to transform a few lumps of rock into an accurate calculator, calendar and meteorological office. The economy of the region is surprisingly strong. There is a vibrant cottage industry in making knee-top versions of the great stone circles for the market in Ankh-Morpork. This has certainly helped in the balance of payments between the Association of Peripatetic Druids and the fishermen of Nothingfjord. Congregations of druids inhabit rather damp and uncomfortable stone buildings encompassing workshops and school rooms. The Grand Trunk Company believes a clacks line to relay accurate weather forecasts would be viable despite difficulties of climate and terrain.

THE LOWER RAMTOPS AND UPPER ANKH

The lower Ramtops, hubward of the great Sto Plains, is a land of tiny kingdoms and principalities. Isolated settlements squeeze into river valleys, cling to ledges and perch on any piece of flat ground big enough for a goat to stand on. Some countries such as Lancre run to a small castle and town with a few surrounding hamlets; others such as Spackle consist of a walled group of cottages clustered around a manor house. They are ruled by hereditary kings, dukes, barons or clan leaders, few of whom have more influence on the lives of their subjects than the terrain. The countryside varies from dense pine forests and dark valleys too narrow for the sun to reach, to high exposed moorland. This ‘gnarly ground’, as it is termed locally, is where magic pleats the landscape into folds and crevices that test the courage and perception of any traveller. People born of this landscape are hardy, resourceful and independent. Many witches and some wizards are born here, and migrants frequently excel in the outside world. This area is home to several dwarf communities, particularly around Copperhead Mountain where they mine for gold. A number of trolls live in family groups on the lower Ramtop slopes. Both these populations coexist quite peacefully with the human inhabitants.

Rimwards of the Ramtops proper, the range of eight peaks known as the Paps of Scilla is treacherous terrain, with many broken caverns overflowing with water. By contrast, the Chalk, lying turnwise of the Paps, is a well-settled downland region, with a more temperate climate.

The approach to Lancre Castle.

LANCRE

One of the best-known Ramtop countries, representative of the smaller Ramtop states, is the Kingdom of Lancre. It occupies a little cup of valleys cut into the side of a mountain. Behind it are the peaks and dark winding valleys of the high Ramtops, in front the land descends abruptly to the plains. Much of it is forested, none of it is flat. The Lancre River runs through a series of cascades and rapids culminating in a great waterfall dropping down to the plain. Lancre Town is the main centre of population, and is surrounded by smaller villages including Bad Ass, Mad Stoat and Slice, location of two widely studied geographical phenomena: The Place Where the Sun Does Not Shine and A Rock and a Hard Place.

Governance

King Verence II is an enlightened ruler and is introducing modern farming methods as well as a form of democracy. The rights of the Lancre peasantry are enshrined in law and the country has a stable economy relying on forestry and farming.

The historic and vast Lancre Castle was constructed over many centuries; the royal home, seat of government, meeting place and centre for both civic and popular celebrations. A ‘changing of the guard’ ceremony takes place each day at 5pm, when the guard takes off his helmet, puts his coat on and goes home for tea. A document detailing ‘The Rights of a Lancre Citizen’ is on display in the main entrance.

Agriculture and commerce

High-quality speciality products such as Lancre cider, including the Scumble variety so popular across the Sto Plains as an industrial cleaning fluid, Lancre Blue cheese famous for its heady aroma of decomposition, and Lancre wool, sometimes used with Scumble for scouring pans, are exported to Ankh-Morpork and beyond.

The arrival of the railway, in the form of a branch line to the logging area of Hot Dang, has increased the output of timber considerably and has introduced a new source of income in the form of ‘Walkers’. These are people for whom the backpack, a stout stick and pair of boots are the key to a good holiday, and they now flock to Lancre and the surrounding countryside.

Culture and customs

There is more than extreme geography to contend with in Lancre. A high background level of magic has created an environment where a standing stone stands where it likes and a circle of standing stones is often a portal to another and less friendly world. The population take all this in their stride and they are protected by witches who can sense the tenor of the land and guard their villagers from malign influence. They watch over the beginning and ending of every life and have a unique status in, but not of, the community. They are also extremely knowledgeable about … herbs, and their uses. Regarding religion, most of the population take the view that nature is enough of a challenge without resorting to gods, but are generally tolerant of others’ beliefs. In their opinion it is more important to celebrate a birth, a wedding, a good harvest, or a funeral than worry about which god they are using as a witness.

Lancre is the spiritual home of Morris dancing, and the Lancre Morris Men have triumphed in the Fifteen Mountains All-Comers Morris Dancing Championship no fewer than seven times, most recently when crippling groin injuries and a dislocated elbow forced their opponents to withdraw in the middle of the Stick and Bucket Dance.

THE CHALK

This grassy upland rises from the plains like an immense upturned boat. It is a landscape of stone circles, overgrown flint pits, barrows, and the occasional shepherd’s hut. The thin grass is scraped away in places to create images of great white horses and giants which are visible for miles around.

It is a region governed by the seasons; the annual Scouring Fair runs for three days at the end of summer and is accompanied by cheese-rolling and other bucolic activities. Largely populated by sheep, with a limited infestation by clans of Pictsies, and surrounded at its base by villages and hamlets, the governance of this well-defined region is in the hands of the Barony of Arken; it borders the Duchy of Keepsake at its turnwise edge. The many small farms along the Chalk are now able to supplement their income from cheese-making and fleeces by supplying holidaymakers from the cities of the Sto Plains with provisions and somewhere to camp. However, the thieving by the local Pictsies, who characteristically view this peripatetic population as a source of food and drink and anything else that takes their fancy, is causing ill-feeling.

Remains of a traditional shepherding hut, once more common on the Chalk.

UPPER ANKH VALLEY

The peoples of the lower Ramtops and the Chalk rely for provisions and communications on the small market towns which sit along the hem of the foothills. Nearest of these is Ohulan Cutash, just fifteen miles from Lancre, which now boasts a clacks tower and railway station. Located on the upper Ankh, the town has a small quay and is famous for its market. Twoshirts, which serves the villages of the Chalk and is renowned for its annual cabbage macerating festival, also benefits from a railway station, and a Rapid Response Igor Post based in the local inn due to the regular flow of lumberjacks through the small town.

The ancient walled city of Zemphis has a chequered history. Built at the junction of three trade routes including the famed Aglet Road, it began as a camel and oxen staging point on the banks of the River Ankh. At one time a rich and well-governed city, it has since become a lawless outpost frequented by unlicensed beggars and thieves, although the arrival of the railway has brought signs of regeneration. Trading still goes on at the souk in Downsized Abbey, but adulterated crude treacle and troll drugs such as Slab are much in evidence, smuggling is rife and Zemphis is a favoured destination for those on the run from creditors, inhumation and the law.

LLAMEDOS

The country of Llamedos is located on the Turnwise Ocean coastline and extends inland to the Cutshade Forest and the foothills of the Ramtops. It lies widdershins of Chimeria and Hergen.

Geography and climate

The sodden, bracken-clad hillsides of Llamedos are a misty watercolour of green and grey; it is a landscape where bruised skies loom over ancient slate, rushing rivers and waterfalls. In the gloom of the evergreen forest, on the rocky highlands and even in the damp caves of Llamedos it rains from dawn to dusk and from twilight to sunrise – every day.

Local maps are unreliable; over the years the druids have tinkered with the landscape, moving mountains (and the occasional troll) to create their monumental constructions, while the mining activities of dwarf and human have generated great slag heaps which fill valleys and block roads. Engineers for the Grand Trunk Company have encountered many difficulties extending the clacks network inland, as witnessed by a report from a surveyor working in the Ramtop foothills entitled ‘The Hill that Became a Mountain that wasn’t there on Friday’.

Agriculture and industry

Llamedos is rich in minerals including iron, silver, gold, zinc and arsenic, though the seams are small and very, very deep. It is believed that the vurms which dwarfs use to illuminate their mines and caverns were first discovered in these extreme depths.

The local breed of highland sheep provide a soft absorbent wool totally unsuited to the climate; in Llamedos sheep have to be regularly wrung out (as opposed to being dipped) or they become completely waterlogged. Pantygirdl, the main city, situated at the mouth of the River Llwk-yu, has recently expanded its port and there is a new trade in waterproof clothing and umbrellas from Ankh-Morpork in exchange for musical instruments, carved wooden spoons and small portable henges.

Culture and customs

The country’s human population, known for its short stature and musical ability, coexists happily with an equal number of dwarfs, the two species living together in mining communities and fishing villages. Until recently Llamedos was isolated from the outside world, its human culture and religion dominated by the druids, whose influence can still be seen as far afield as the Vortex Plains. Their great stone circles, or henges, were regarded as places of magic and worship and even today communities gather to celebrate significant events such as a day without rain or the delivery of a new monolith.

With the recent crowning of native Llamedosian Rhys (Blodwen) Rhysson as Low Queen of the dwarfs, the country is opening up to other influences which have introduced the Llamedosians to a secular society. Some of the human inhabitants even join the dwarf population for worship in their underground chapels or Takernacles as they are called.

The annual Eisteddfod (literal translation ‘a nice sit down’) is an important cultural gathering in the Llamedosian calendar. It takes place in a remote valley surrounded by the Hollowed Hills where generations of miners have left mile after mile of empty tunnels and chambers. Here bards compete for the mistletoe award and centennial harp in renditions of traditional songs* such as ‘The rain it allways raineth on Octeday’, ‘Singing whillle it raineth’ (song and dance routine performed with umbrella), ‘Rain, Rain go thou away and don’t ever come back no more no more’, ‘It’s Raining Fish’ etc. When the winning bard is crowned with a waterproof snood, the sounds of the mixed-male-voice choirs singing ‘Raindrops are fallling on my bed’ reverberate through the old mines and for a glorious moment the hills are alive with the sound of music. Great feasting follows and traditional delicacies such as cheese on toast and local dwarf bread made from baked seaweed are consumed along with much quaffing of ale, mead and strong tea. The national dress for human males has unkindly been likened to a nightie by other races ignorant of bardic culture.

LANDS OF DRAGONS AND HEROES

These lands – Hergen, Gonim, Chimeria and the Ecalpon peninsula – stretch turnwise from Llamedos as far as Whale Bay and the seas around the Dire peninsula. Hergen extends inland to the bitter, ice-sharp waters of the Growling River. The hubward borders of the other states are ill-defined but it is generally accepted that the Great Inferior Lake is Gonim territory.

HERGEN

Geography and climate

Coastal areas of Hergen are quite temperate, but inland the temperature drops sharply due to the chill winds from the Hub.

The central grasslands of Hergen are the one place in the world where the cartographic legend ‘Here be Dragons’ is entirely appropriate. It is an area with a high thaumic field which boasts one of the most extraordinary topographical features ever to be seen. Called the Wyrmberg, it has the appearance of an inverted mountain rising from a small rocky base half a mile into the sky; its wide, flat, grassy top just visible through the clouds. Anecdotes of half-visible dragons with human riders have featured in many stories from this region and a recent report (reproduced here) to the Grand Trunk Company, who are extending their clacks network along the Turnwise Ocean coast, lends further credence to these tales.

Inevitably dragon-spotters (dracophiles) are drawn to the area and some even try to climb the Wyrmberg or chip off a piece of the rock as a memento. There have been some very unpleasant incidents and the area is now fenced off.

Agriculture and industry

Along the coastal waters of Hergen, prolific shoals of herring provide the employment and wealth of the country. Flipper Point at the narrow entrance to Sealy Bay is a well-known landmark for mariners, but the treacherous rocks make access to the bay difficult. The main port of Smork, on the mouth of the Big Foot River, is easily located even in thick fog, by the pungent smell that emanates from the many smoke houses dedicated to the production of that renowned delicacy the Smork Smokie. The smoke-pickled inhabitants of the town have little to offer in terms of hospitality apart from the sea-salt-watery herring beer, which is an acquired taste, and the spirit they distil from fish tails and swim bladders which can also be used as an emetic.

Culture and customs

The heroes of legend are rumoured to reside in the high reaches of the Caderack Mountains on the hubward borders of Hergen. Here they relive their fearless adventures as they share their stories sitting together outside the great stave hall in late summer sunshine.

Their traditional garb of semi-cured leather loincloth is augmented with knitted shawls, woollen hats and sheepskin slippers. They are not getting any younger.

The Weekly ‘Saga Break’ at the Caderack Senior Centre (BYO saga).

CHIMERIA

The mist-shrouded land of Chimeria is believed to be located on the coast turnwise of Llamedos, although the mist makes it hard to say for sure. It may be because of local currents or a turnwise-running tide but seafarers who try to make landfall here usually find themselves run aground on the treacherous rocks of Sealy Bay. Inland the borders are ill-defined and the prevailing foggy gloom makes any surveying almost impossible. None the less at the Llamedos Eisteddfod a Chimerian choir invariably appear with a rendition of their national anthem ‘The Dewy Dewy Fog’.

GONIM

The land of Gonim is more a geographical area than a country, extending as it does to the Ecalpon peninsula, and including the Baffled Islands, Cape Despair and Whale Bay. The interior, with its glacial freshwater lakes and chill rivers, is sparsely populated. Cold damp springs and insect-ridden summers are followed by autumns of freezing fog and exceptionally hard winters. Whale Bay, as its name suggests, is home to the Great Blues Whale, so named for its sorrowful disposition and doleful songs. These great beasts are hunted, but not for their meat or blubber, though that is a useful by-product: they are slaughtered mostly to silence them. Their gloomy choruses echoing through freezing fog and frozen landscape often prove too much for the exhausted and struggling inhabitants of this inhospitable land.

ECALPON AND THE DIRE STRAITS

There is little one can say about Ecalpon, a peninsula of icy wastes and few people, forming the turnwise coast of Whale Bay. Some mariners have ventured through these waters as far as the Dire Straits, and the names of coastal features such as Cape Despair, Desolation Point, Sour Creek and Chill Sound give testament to their difficulties. Those that survived tell stories of great hardship, freezing conditions and starvation surrounded by a sea of pack ice, rocky outcrops and immense icebergs.

* Not to be confused with folk music, which is an entirely different thing, involving such travesties as guitars, and not approved of in Llamedos.

This vast area of the main continent is bordered by Nothingfjord on its widdershins edge and extends as far rimward as the Great Moulder Lake; its turnwise boundary runs from an area of the Ramtops hubwards of Lancre, then down the River Smarl to the point where the river debouches into the Sto Plains. It includes Uberwald and the former Uberwald states of Borogravia, Mouldavia and Zlobenia.

UBERWALD

Geography and history

With an approximate landmass six times that of the whole of the Sto Plains, Uberwald is a vast country. Extending from the River Smarl to Nothingfjord and from Borogravia right up to the Hub it encompasses a wide range of climatic conditions from permafrost to temperate clime.

It has a dark, strife-riven past – the region, which during its most expansive period included the Kneck States, was formerly called the Dark Empire, the Evil Empire and the Unholy Empire, although mostly by outsiders. To its inhabitants it was more commonly known as the Uberwald Sorcerous Republic. With the departure of the Evil Emperor the region has opened up to the outside world and its modern ways, although even today there are large areas where the population still live in small fortified towns, subject to petty fiefdoms, where the rule of law is arbitrary and hereditary privilege leads to a continuation of ‘The Old Ways’.

There are distinct geo-political and economic areas within Uberwald and for convenience the country is often divided into regions: Far Uberwald is the most hubward and comprises the Loko region as well as the upper valley of the River Ah. Central Uberwald includes the Trollbone mountain range, the Glümee valley and Muskovado River.

Turnwise Uberwald is the area centred on the upper Koom valley.

High Uberwald includes the vast underground realm of Schmaltzberg (location of the richest seams of high-quality fat in the world) and extends along the rivers Smarl, Bonk and Blintz. This region, which is more easily accessible, particularly since the advent of the railway, contains the major centres of commerce and population.

Population and society

Uberwald encompasses both the Kingdom of the Dwarfs and the Kingdom of the Trolls, and communities of both these species are spread throughout the region. The Loko valley is home to tribes of goblins and, until recently, displaced orcs.

Small independent territories throughout the country are ruled by noble families, many of whom date back hundreds of years in an unbroken line – or in some cases, unbroken lifespans – of stake and coffin.

There are also family packs of lycanthropes that coexist in an uneasy alliance with the vampire clans.

Away from the major cities and towns, and scattered in between the various territories, live small pockets of actual humanity that are regarded by their masters, at various times, as neighbours, servants and on occasion sustenance.

Trade and industry

The principal export from Uberwald is dwarfs, who with their mining and metalwork skills create considerable wealth for their subterranean communities both at home and abroad. Uberwald is so rich in natural resources that if ever there was a cohesive and unified system of government then it would become an unrivalled economic powerhouse. For this reason, in spite of the difficult terrain and the often hostile populace, the Grand Trunk Company is making great efforts to extend its network here. Meanwhile the railway which now links Ankh-Morpork to Bonk has the backing of the Low Queen of the Dwarfs.

There is a legend that the rich fats of the Schmaltzberg region came into existence when a fifth elephant which once stood alongside the four great beasts that support the Disc of the world slipped from its position and fell to the ground in Uberwald, enriching the underlying strata with adipose deposits. This theory is generally discredited though no other explanation has been proposed. Exploitation of this resource creates employment not just for the miners who live quite literally off the fat of this land, but also for the many ancillary workers; and with freight trains now running the industry goes from strength to strength. The Suet and Tallow Express carries tankers full of high-grade oil, trucks of tallow, barrels of suet and boxes of candles and tapers down to the Sto Plains and beyond, the whole logistical operation being run by the fat controller from his office in Bonk.

Don’tgonearthe Castle

FAR UBERWALD

The Loko region is a dramatic landscape of deep valleys and lake-filled craters, isolated from the rest of Uberwald by the ring of mountains surrounding it. There is a large goblin population but the few remaining orcs have now mostly been integrated into Uberwaldean society. Small, heavily defended dwarf mining communities extract the rare and costly stygium ore in the most dangerous conditions. It has been postulated that stygium’s tendency to absorb light and heat might account for the extreme coldness of this region. Malign influences and very high thaumic contamination make it a hostile environment, as discovered by the unfortunate Morporkian adventurers who retrieved a cache of mystic scrolls from jars buried deep underground in the area and marked ‘do not open’, all of whom very surprisingly died of obscure magical diseases some months later. The twin perils of superheated stygium and icy outdoor temperatures have led to the establishment of a specialist Igor station, dealing almost entirely in fingers.

The Ah valley, however, has been opened up to provide holiday destinations for the young and adventurous traveller. The town of Notfaroute-on-Ah has an outdoor pursuits centre, based in an old castle. The centre was established in the year of the Signifying Frog by Count Anton Von Freude, a senior Black Ribboner. His intention was to strengthen the resolve of newly reformed young vampires by providing challenging activities such as white-water rafting, extreme kayaking and feckless mountaineering. Nowadays anyone is welcome, and safety measures are reputed to be the best of their kind on the Disc, since the founders considered that even minor scrapes, cuts or nosebleeds would be detrimental to their aims.

The small town of Voxbergstadt near the Hub is the venue for a Biennial Ice Sculpture Competition. Here skilled craftsmen create shimmering images of centaurs, fauns, Schüschein Bearded Pigs, Uberwaldean Land Eels, Kneck Cricked Swans and other delightful creatures in front of a shivering but appreciative audience. The walls of nearby caves at Übergigle are covered with hundreds of ancient, crudely painted representations of what may be mammoths, but could just as easily be goats, rabbits or possibly trout. Scholarly opinion is divided.

The town of Müning is the home of the Uberwald Clown School, and from here troupes of travelling entertainers spread a little mirth and jollity around local villages. Müning hosts the annual Sloshi Duelling contests which are held on Fool’s Day in early April.

The Grand Trunk Company have issued a leaflet alerting their employees to the possible hazards of working in Uberwald. Visitors would be wise to heed this advice.

CENTRAL UBERWALD

This is a mountainous area between the Blintz and Glümee rivers, sparsely populated and with few natural resources, except for large deposits of prehistoric sugar around the Muskovado River. This is the foundation of the confectionery and building industry in the main town of Kashncari, from where high-quality sugar panes are exported across the region for use in the windows, conservatories and coffee tables of discerning witches. The Trollbone mountain range is, as its name suggests, home to some of the largest and most ancient trolls in existence. In spite of this, or possibly because of this, it is an unspoilt walking and rock-climbing area. The late travel-writer Eric Wheelbrace produced a guide, Trekking in the Trollbones, which in addition to maps and planned walks contains some tips on how to survive in ‘Backward’ or ‘Banjo-Troll’ country.

‘The usual climbing methods for mountainous terrain must be carefully adapted if one is not to lose one’s head or limbs in the maw of an enraged troll. Crampons are not advised. The mountain adze or pick is a complete no-no; the very sight of such a device will rouse even the most somnolent troll. For many years I have successfully used a stout ash stick tipped with lead. My tent is held down with whatever loose boulders are to hand. Failing that, the Grimsdyke self-erecting bamboo-framed tepee will support itself and may be tucked into suitable crevices.’ Eric Wheelbrace, Trekking in the Trollbones.

HIGH UBERWALD

The region of High Uberwald includes the area widdershins from the Smarl River, taking in the lower Bonk valley and extending to the Blintz valley and rimward to Uberwald’s border with Borogravia.

The Fifth Elephant, a famous and hospitable inn near the Wilinus Pass. Typical of the eateries in the area, it serves a hearty and homely menu, mainly consisting of Fatsup Soup and traditional sausages. This type of hostelry is booming with the recent arrival of the railways.

THE TWIN CITIES OF BONK-SCHMALTZBERG

Located in the Bonk valley, on the principal route to and from the Sto Plains through the Wilinus Pass, via road and the rather less bandit-prone railway, the twin cities of Schmaltzberg and Bonk would be the capital of Uberwald – if such a place could exist. It is here that other nations have their embassies and trade legations, and Bonk-Schmaltzberg is the very fulcrum of the balance of power between ruling factions and species. The twin cities are also the cultural centre of Uberwald – a conjunction fostered by certain parties, since artistic endeavours provide a rich cover for cloaking the darker acts of diplomacy, espionage and assassination.

On the surface Bonk is a traditional High Uberwald gated city with cobbled streets and highly decorated vernacular architecture in the form of carved wooden gables, shutters, and verandas. Behind a fortified gate in the central square, a tunnel leads to the dwarf city of Schmaltzberg, a vast underground complex that stretches over many square miles. As with all dwarf territories, few maps of this area exist and those that do are closely guarded from outsiders who might be tempted to intrude in search of gold, fat or excitement involving traps and rolling balls. Schmaltzberg is the official residence of the Low King or Queen and the repository of dwarf family archives for the whole world. Adjacent to this gatehouse is the Royal Bakery and Dough Assay Office, which supplies the Schmaltzberg court with dwarf bread and sets the benchmark for all baked goods. The stamp of this office on a loaf certifies its authenticity and a minimum gravel content. The bakery is the sole producer of a speciality of the region which combines grade A refined fat with sugar from the Muskovado region to create a sweet biscuit. Traditionally cut into fan shapes, this Schmaltz-bread is packaged in brightly coloured boxes for the gift market.

Key landmarks above ground in Bonk include the Chocolate Museum in Prince Vodorny Square, the Lipid Institute in Porxzy Place and the iconic sculpture which dominates Schmaltz Platz. The imposing building which houses the Lipid Institute reflects the importance of the fat-mining industry. It produces geological surveys for prospectors as well as developing new methods for fat extraction and assaying. There is a small museum with a fascinating display of suet and tallow ores along with samples of refined lard, wax and oil.

The new Bonk-Schmaltzberg railway station is an engineering marvel: there is a second ticket hall well below ground level from which a steam-powered moving staircase takes the passenger up to the main concourse without incurring a glimpse of daylight. Special low-ceilinged coaches with thick curtains enable drudak’ak, or ‘deep down’ dwarfs to avail themselves of this speedy and safe mode of transport without the sin of becoming ‘enlightened’.

THE BONK VALLEY

The Black-Boulder nature reserve a few miles from the city is considered of special interest internationally to students of geology. Subterranean volcanic activity creates many hot-water springs and also, unique to this area, occasional fat geysers. Recent studies have ascertained that the fat that bubbles to the surface is highly polluted and not recommended for cooking. Neither, contrary to popular belief, is it a cure for boils, yaws, or parasitic infestations. It can, however, provide waterproofing when smeared on to hessian or canvas.

The thermal spring at Bad Heisses is of equal interest. A large circular sunken pool from which there is a fine view of boiling mud pits, volcanic cones and smoking vents, its water is believed to have a beneficial effect on the skin and to remove wrinkles and upper-lip hair.

Many people travel to the town of Duschen-Duschen on the Bonk valley floor for the annual music festival which features a mixed-species orchestra under the direction of Herr Furtivitz. The programme also regularly includes a Llamedos male-voice choir, the Ironfoundersson Brass Ensemble, the Von Trappe sisters on tubular bells and a virtuoso performance by Igor playing the piano duet for three hands by Magyrato.

Hochsommer-Würdig, a short distance upriver from Bonk, is the birthplace of the president of the Uberwald League of Temperance. It is still an important centre for the Black Ribboners, who hold an annual Convention in the Imperial hotel where various techniques and recipes are exchanged and self-help groups meet. The historic town of Bugs, higher up the Bonk valley, has a small museum dedicated to the Diet of Bugs, which houses the original of the treaty of non-aggression, complete with congealed signatures and paw prints.

The pretty and peaceful villages of Kost and Schnappe near the confluence of the rivers Bonk and Smarl are traditionally a popular resort for honeymooners. Of late, the tourist industry in this area has suffered some decline due to the activities of Count Von Stucken, who directs his winning ways towards the more lissom brides. It is not so much the brides themselves that have raised complaints but their newly wed husbands who have had, on occasion, the object of their passion quite literally taken out from under them.

THE BLINTZ VALLEY

The town of Glitz, at the confluence of the Blintz and Vieux rivers, has always had a certain importance as a trading town and its small river port serves the barges taking stone from the nearby quarry down to Genua. The residents have long enjoyed the benefit of the plentiful fish which travel upriver to spawn: in particular the Blintz Kaluga, from which they extract the roe for the making of Kaluga fish jam. Highly prized by epicureans, this delicacy now reaches a wide market, including Ankh-Morpork, where it is popularly served with scones and cream in accordance with the well-known recipe in Mrs Ogg’s Joye of Snacks.

Bad Blintz, a pretty therapeutic spa and ‘chocolate-box’ town, is a showplace for a unique social contract between the townsfolk and the local rat population. The two communities are thoroughly integrated; the city watch includes ‘watch-rats’ and all public notices and street signs are bilingual. The clock tower in the market square attracts much attention when the rats strike the bells every quarter hour, and once a day the town’s rat-piper plays his pipes and the rats dance to the music. This spectacle was for some time a source of tension with the nearby dwarf population, who tended to regard it as a free buffet, but formal agreement has recently been reached recognizing the rats’ protected status.

On St Prodnitz’s Day the rats organize vast extravaganzas with hundreds of sequin-wearing rats performing water ballet in the fountains and tap-dancing in the cobbled squares.

The town of Blintz is located at the head of the Blintz valley and has the dubious distinction of having more lightning strikes than anywhere else in Uberwald. This probably explains why it has become a centre of excellence for the Igor clan, although the responsive nature of the weather in this region means that it could be the other way round, with the preponderance of Igors and their masters triggering appropriately dramatic background weather. Cutting-edge surgery is carried out in the well-equipped cottage hospital, and the nearby Institute of Creative Biology has an ambitious research programme. Blintz is also home to the long-term repository and lending mausoleum of the Igors. Written records dating back thousands of years are methodically kept so that every transaction can be identified. The fascination with tracing ancestral antecedents that has arisen within the expatriate community in Ankh-Morpork has resulted in a new service being offered by the curators. The Who Do You Think You Were agency also publishes a quarterly bulletin.

TURNWISE UBERWALD: KOOM VALLEY

Mere mention of Koom Valley, site of a landmark battle between dwarfs and trolls, can elicit an almost visceral response: historically loaded with emotions in the race memory of dwarf and troll, it has influenced both the history and the thinking of these two species and is the fuse by which any number of skirmishes have been ignited. Geographically it is a deep and gloomy chasm bounded by tall mountains that frame a grim vista towards the central column of the Hub. The softness of the limestone at its base and the height of the mountains have turned the valley into a geological plughole, into which the waters of all the surrounding areas swirl, carving out treacherous sinkholes. It is a landscape of waterfalls, caves and underground streams and subject to sudden floods. Despite the many stories told and battles fought, it is only recently that the site of the original conflict has been identified; thanks to the diplomatic efforts of the Ankh-Morpork government together with the leadership of trolls and dwarfs the Koom Valley Accord was finally ratified in the Year of the Prawn.

Detail of Methodia Rascal’s ‘Battle of Koom Valley’.

An educational visitor’s centre has recently been established on the site of the battle to promote cooperation between species. It features a papier mâché diorama of the battle which has thus far suffered only slight flood damage, and hosts an annual Thud tournament of international renown. Trekking in the upper valley is increasingly popular but is recommended for the experienced walker only. Walking in the Koom Valley by Eric Wheelbrace provides maps and guides and some planned excursions.

THE KNECK VALLEY REGION

This region is made up of three political states – Mouldavia, Borogravia and Zlobenia – all of which border the River Kneck. Hubwards they have a border with Uberwald, which at one point annexed them as part of the former Dark Empire, and rimwards the region borders Genua. The area has been economically moribund for centuries owing to the incessant armed bickering and in some cases outright warfare that has blighted the region.

Battlefields of the Kneck Valley.

As one diplomatic observer reported: ‘These states and the duchies and principalities within them cluster around the River Kneck like a gaggle of maiden aunts squabbling over the last sandwich at a funeral tea; each one blaming another for ancient slights and past insults or for making off with bits of the family silver.’

BOROGRAVIA

ZLOBENIA

FORMER UBERWALD REPUBLIC OF MOULDAVIA

Geography and climate

The Kneck River has its source in the Smarl River in the high plains of Skund and drains into the Great Moulder Lake. Flash floods and snow-melt frequently cause the Kneck to change its course boundaries on a regular basis. Land-grabbing and vituperative sorties across these boundary changes are a major reason for the interminable wars. The whole region is one of forested hills criss-crossed with small river valleys which form the main means of communication between the towns and villages dotted along them. Rimward, this gives way to grazing and arable land and the fertile plains bordering the Great Moulder Lake. The most heavily forested areas of Mouldavia are home to the kvetch, a hairy species once little known even to other Mouldavians. Since the most recent conflict with Borogravia, however, a kvetch diaspora has spread even as far as Ankh-Morpork, where they have established a number of beauty salons and feature frequently in the letters page of the Times deploring the weather, parking regulations and the poor quality of Morporkian sausages. Trolls and vampires are also present in small numbers in the region, and the dwarf population in Borogravia is recovering slightly now that they, and beards, and rocks, have been removed from the list of Abominations Unto Nuggan.

The main centres of population are Rigour on the River Gour in Zlobenia and the Mouldavian lakeside town of Stadtschweinburger, on the Great Moulder Lake. The town of PrinceMarmadukePiotre-AlbertHansJosephBernhardtWilhelmsberg, seat of the Borogravian ruling family, is located on the River Chintz.

Kneck Keep standing proud on the floodplain of the River Kneck.

Trade and commerce

The farms on the fertile plain around the Great Moulder Lake supply grain, dairy products, beef and pork to the local population as well exporting rimwards. The air-dried Mouldy Sausage is an important part of the diet in the whole region and the Schweinberger pig (a cross between the Great White Hope and the Small Borogravian Spot) has been especially bred to produce a high-fat meat ideal for sausage production.

Until recently much of the area’s wealth was tied up by the need to maintain large standing armies. Recent interventions by Ankh-Morpork will hopefully lead to a peaceful solution, though this does have implications for the lucrative trade in second-hand arms and uniforms. A new initiative by Prince Heinrich of Zlobenia is the Greater Kneck Economic League, of which Mouldavia is also a member. The future of Borogravia is less certain. Over the years most able-bodied men and boys have been conscripted into the army, leaving the farms uncultivated. There is no industry to speak of and the population have been demotivated by the Nuggan church with its endless abominations and prohibitions. However, a new secular government and the repair and extension of the clacks will hopefully allow Borogravia to take its place with other member states in the GKEL.

A recent unexpected source of income for the Zlobenian and Borogravian peasants has been the upsurge in interest in what is known as battlefield tours. Many an old soldier, along with any companions he can muster, enjoys nothing more than being herded into ranks, shouted at by retired sergeant-majors and marched back across the old battlefields of their youth. Souvenirs such as cutlasses and any number of rusty edged weapons can be purchased as can various items of clothing, cap badges and even, for the serious collectors, body parts.

Culture and customs

Morporkian is understood if not spoken, and the porcine local cuisine is wholesome, tasty and above all cheap. The visitor to the Kneck valley will find that these countries are still very sensitive about their state boundaries; some rural crossing-points into Borogravia still have, posted up, a list of abominations not permitted into the country; this causes long queues as luggage is searched and items confiscated. The Borogravian city of Lint has a ‘Closing of the Gate’ Ceremony that takes place at dusk every evening. Border guards in full military uniform perform the most intricate drill involving carefully choreographed gesticulations in which insults are traded under the guise of salutes and other military flourishes. All three of the Kneck valley states add further absurdities to the situation by mounting their border-control barriers and customs posts on wheels, or even floats, so that when the river, which has formed the borders for centuries, changes its course through seasonal flooding, the paraphernalia of territorial rights can move with it at a moment’s notice.

This large region far widdershins of Ankh-Morpork extends from the freezing shores of Nothingfjord at the Hub, takes in the wild open spaces of The Great Outdoors and Kythia and extends in a turnwise direction to include the countries of Genua, The Neverlands and Brindisi.

NOTHINGFJORD AND THE SCATTERGUT ISLANDS

The region of Nothingfjord backs onto the Vortex Plains and shivers out into the icy waters of the Widdershins Ocean like the frayed lace of a widow’s cuff. It is just 1000 miles from Cori Celesti at its most hubward point.

Geography and climate

A Hubbish climate brings icy winters and short cool summers. The forbidding coastline defines this area: a multitude of craggy inlets, ravines and fjords which provide scant habitation for the few fishing villages and settlements. Inland, forested foothills and rocky outcrops climb to the high peaks of the central Ramtop range.

Agriculture and industry

Fishing is the main industry and most coastal settlements have a small pickling plant and brew-house by the harbour. The pine forests of the Ramtop foothills provide timber for building houses, boats and cheap but often badly assembled furniture, and a community of dwarfs extract small quantities of iron ore from coastal mines near NoThing.

A recent innovation, developed by local engineers and which should improve the yield, is the use of steam pumps to keep the mines dry. Nothingfjord boasts the most hubward branch of the clacks, the Grand Trunk Company having just constructed a series of towers from a link with the Blintz valley.

Export of the Coathanger Elk and Hat Stand Reindeer (a cross between the Elk and the long-necked Caribou) for use in home furnishings has now been banned, as has trade in the increasingly rare Nothingfjord Blue Swamp dragon, which fails to thrive when removed from its natural habitat.

Culture and customs

The Nothings are notable seafarers and their proud dragon boats with striped sail and beating oar, the sides hung with shields, are a frequent sight in the waters from Cape Haddock to the Dire peninsula. They strike terror into the hearts of those who dwell within reach of the sea: not for their great swords and warlike mien but rather for their dour expression, their unwashed and unkempt facial hair and the prospect of being forced to listen to them singing the sagas of their homeland and antecedents unto the hundredth generation in a tuneless dirge for anything up to three weeks at a time.

The people live in small settlements which are little more than groups of stout wooden houses shaped rather like upturned boats. A single small overheated hut serves as the communal village bath: at least once a month groups of villagers strip off, and after sitting in the hut until their teeth are too hot to touch they rush out into the snow and beat themselves and each other with tree branches. No one knows why. Between the houses are standing stones, intricately carved with dragons or sea-monsters together with the names of those ancient mariners who departed the homesteads never to return.

There is a local saying that no man is ever truly dead so long as his name is remembered. This has given rise to the tradition of saga telling of which the greatest exponent was Lar Larsnephew, who ended his days sitting in complete isolation on the shoreline recounting, in a monotone chant, tales of his ancient forebears to seabirds and the occasional walrus, the local human population having discovered a burning passion for exploring distant lands soon after he arrived.

The people here attach much importance to good manners and etiquette. Raiders along the coast always carry calling cards in case they happen to arrive at a village at a time inconvenient for pillaging, and the few villages who do manage to find time for pillage in their diaries are rewarded with handwritten thankyou letters. A visitor from another settlement along the coast will seek an appointment with the village elder and establish not just his name but as much detail of his antecedents as possible.

Thus Eric the Wise, chief spokesperson, first citizen and man in charge of the fishing town of Herrinsmelt would be addressed thus:

Hail Eric,

Son of Eric Ericsson, Son of Eric the Auk-Eyed, Son of Eric Short Beard, Son of Eric Longshanks, Son of Eric the Bard, Son of Eric One Leg, Son of Eric the Other Leg, Not the One With a Nasty Thing on His Foot, Son of Eric the Vain, Son of Eric the Thick Necked, Son of Eric Bluetooth, Son of Eric Loose-tooth, Son of Eric No Tooth, Son of Eric the Bald, Son of Eric Troll Biter, Son of Eric Grey Face, Son of Eric who Stayed at Home with His Mother and Sister, Son of Eric the Small, Son of Eric Svennson, Son of Sven Njalsson, Son of Njal Gladysson, Son of Gladys the Ambiguous, Son of Eric the Unheeding, Son of Tecwyn the Weeny, Son of Ericgorn-son-of-Ericthjorn, Son of Eric Ericthjorn, Son of Dave with the Big Thingy, Son of Frijit Ravens-Beard, Son of Leothrip the Gaunt, Son of Rikkard of the Kings Stone, Son of Eric the Eric, Son of Eric the Unnerving, Son of Eris the Unlearned, Son of Lars Ericson, Son of Eric Bottle-Brain, Son of Lawrence the Dreamy, Son of Leorg of Noth, Son of Oothaniel the Brave, Son of Eric the Gorgeous, Son of Eric Snakehips, Son of Sal the Unsuitable, we greet you right well.

Noddiism is the dominant religion in Nothingfjord and the god Noddi is exclusive to this area. He is worshipped mainly for his part in the creation of the world, which he achieved by cutting off his unmentionables and throwing them at his father the Sun God.

The nature of the worship is not known, though some anthropologists have suggested that the bathing ritual of the Nothingfjorders may owe something to a primitive sacrificial rite in which baked or roasted animals are tossed into the icy waters.

The Scattergut Islands extend from the Deformed Rabbit Peninsula into the Widdershins Ocean and are populated only by sea-birds and the Bearded Walrus.

The small island of Rosante in Forsaken Bay is dominated by a great castle once the Seat of the Duchy of Rosante. The castle still preserves the famous tapestry of Leofric the Legitimate’s invasion of Nothingfjord, created as live reportage by his Duchess (an undertaking that required many action replays, extending the battle to a five-day event).

THE GREAT OUTDOORS

The large landmass known as The Great Outdoors is a long way widdershins from Ankh-Morpork. At its hubward border it is 3000 miles from the Hub and it extends rimward to the Gulf of Brindisi just 1200 miles from the Edge. It shares borders with Uberwald, Nothingfjord, Genua and Kythia.

Geography and climate

From sub-hubbish temperatures at its border with Nothingfjord to a coastal sub-rimmish climate, The Great Outdoors has a vast range of climatic conditions. This is amplified by the Blade Mountains and the Rammerocks which form a snow-topped backbone along the central core with rocky outcrops and forested foothills dropping down to high plains and grasslands. There is an area of low-lying salt flats on the Slaked Plain and along the coast sheltered harbours have been created by rivers which rise in the high mountains and drain into the Widdershins Ocean.

Culture and customs

The Great Outdoors has none of the attributes of nationhood: there are no major cities, no central government or ruling class, no common culture, no flag and no territorial ambitions. In short, whilst there certainly is a lot of Outdoors, there is not much indoors. The population, all of whom seem to have arrived from somewhere else, live in small independent communities dotted through the landscape and along the coast. The common factor among all these migratory groups is an institutionalized paranoia and a mistrust of strangers. They are here because they have had to flee from a homeland where they could no longer live in safety.

There are several distinct population groups. The so-called Lost Tribes of Kythia have created heavily defended settlements at the tip of the Asfaras Peninsula. Borogravians fleeing the endless wars and avoiding conscription live in villages along the valley of the New Kneck River. Refugees from Uberwald have brought their terrors with them. They live in gated communities, in sturdy stone-built dwellings characterized by small shuttered windows and capped chimneys, on the upper reaches of the Big Misty River. Some families from Nothingfjord have created a fortified settlement in New NoThing, on the mouth of the River Spiljar. Here they hide from any story-telling, saga-making bards from the homeland and make a living fishing for herring, which they preserve, and distilling apple juice from the wild apple trees. There are scattered dwarf mining communities in the Rammerock Mountains, who mine iron ore and small quantities of silver. A breakaway sub-sect of the Omnian Church – the Very, Very, Very Plain Omnians, who fled persecution in their own land – now live a simple nomadic existence on the Slaked Plain, where they harvest the bounty of the great salt flats.

Trade

Much of what we know of the interior of this country and the trade and commerce that goes on there comes from the maps and journals of a fearless adventurer called Dolly Bodkin. Now a wealthy and well-preserved grandmother known as Diamond Dol she is still as tough as an alligator handbag and ruthlessly accurate with the crossbow. The story goes that she ran away from Genua with a mule loaded with sacks of rice which she had appropriated by way of reparation for an unpaid bill. She briefly took refuge with the religious extremists on the Slaked Plain, who traded the rice for twenty sacks of salt and, when they discovered her essential unplainness, sent her up the coast to New NoThing, where her salt was exchanged for two barrels of pickled herring, a barrel of apple brandy and two mules. A trek inland brought her to the small dwarfish mining community in the Rammerock Mountains, who were pleased to exchange the Quaffing Brandy (now six much diluted barrels) for shovels, picks, one axe-head and two silver ingots, plus the favour they did in taking the herring off her hands. She travelled back across the Rammerocks to the forests of the Big Misty Valley where for just a small bit of silver she received twelve barrels of uncured treacle which had been smuggled across the Uberwald border. At a trappers’ trading post downriver she exchanged the treacle and the rest of the silver for the very best cured skins which she loaded on her assorted pack animals and took back to Genua. These mink pelts ended up as several $1000 coats in the finest furriers in Ankh-Morpork. Dolly’s fortune was made and The Haddock Creek Trading Company still prospers.

KYTHIA AND THE KYTHIAN ARCHIPELAGO
(also known as the Land of the Lost Tribes)

The Kythian peninsula is located at the rimward end of The Great Outdoors, about 1200 miles from the Edge, and its archipelago of three small islands extends turnwise into the Gulf of Brindisi. With a long coastline and rimmish climate it would appear to offer a pleasant environment; however it is subject to the most dreadful infestations of bloodsucking insects, including mosquitoes, ticks and worst of all the Samo-Thrip, which inflict such irritating bites as to cause frenzied, often terminal scratching. The surviving human population escaped by moving hubwards to the Asfaras peninsula. It is believed that the only warm-blooded fauna remaining in Kythia are the Horn-rimmed Pangolin and various insectivorous birds which perch high above the thrip line and for every insect devoured spend several hours preening to rid themselves of the rest.

GENUA

Genua is located far widdershins of Ankh-Morpork, about 2000 miles from the Rim, on the lower reaches of the Vieux River. It shares borders with The Great Outdoors, The Neverlands, Mouldavia and Borogravia.

* When we say practised, what we mean is they are absolute past masters at it and gave up practising years ago.

Geography and climate

Genua has a sub-rimmish climate with warm summers and mild winters. The rainy season is from Offle to March with frog falls in Spune. The greatest danger from hurricanes is in the month of Grune when it is thought unlucky to wear red shoes or boots.

Apart from a hilly area towards the Borogravian border, the land is mainly low-lying: a vast flood plain descending into the swamps of the Vieux River delta that surround the city. Further inland there are areas of woodland and semi-enchanted forest. Apart from the city the main centres of population are located along the river, which forms the major route into Genua. The city itself is walled and, at its heart, comprises crescents of impressive, gleaming white houses which rise to a tall and multi-turreted palace at the centre. There is no accurate street map of the city of Genua; the main boulevards and avenues are constant but once you venture into the marshy suburbs encroached upon by swamp and forest, locations are not so predictable. Most dwellings in the outer areas are built on stilts. Some of these river shacks are indeed peripatetic, with a tendency to rise up and wander off to find a new place to settle – often leaving the privy behind.

Agriculture and industry

Historically, much of the wealth of Genua came from taxing river traffic. Silting up of the port, and the exposure of corruption within the city council has led to this semi-legal tariff falling into abeyance. These days the state derives its main income from the abundance of crustaceans which inhabit the estuary tides and swamps. Shrimp farms extend over wide areas and it is an awesome sight to see a shrimp herder and his lads wading through the swamp on tall stilts followed by vast flocks of shrimp, crab, and crawfish. The main harvest is in Sektober, and during this month the whiskery crop is piled high on raffia mats to dry in the sun before being loaded onto the troll paddle-boats which take it upriver. The fishy miasma resulting from this exercise is quite breathtaking in a nourishing but eye-watering sort of way. An unsettling sight in the mist-laden shrimp-farming areas is the Genuan Scarecrow. These sinister top-hatted figures are located at key points in the swamps to deter flocks of heron from raiding shoals. This provides seasonal employment for some of the older members of the indigenous population, older, in some cases, than the age on their death certificate.

Most of the river valley is cultivated, the main crops being rice, coffee and tobacco. Bananas, okuh and okra are grown for local consumption. The highly regarded Macarona coffee bean grows on the turnwise slopes of the Vieux valley; the first pickings are treated by feeding the berries to the Lesser-spotted Gripe-duck, the Blue-tongued Mollycabber and finally the Winnow-nosed Ferret before the ‘processed’ beans are roasted and ground for use. This method adds a choice piquancy to the gourmet Turdish blend which is highly prized by those who don’t fully understand how it has been produced.

There are few mineral deposits in Genua, which has to import much of its coal and tallow from Uberwald, as well as the crystalline limestone from the quarries near Glitz which gives the city its unique appearance. Manufactured items imported from Ankh-Morpork include cooking pots and cauldrons, knives and the extra-long ceremonial Doldrum’s pins.

Culture and customs

Our understanding of Genuan culture is informed by the observations of two Lancre witches; Mrs Gytha Ogg and the late Desiderata Hollow. We are indebted to Messrs Goatberger, publishers, for access to the manuscript of Mrs Ogg’s My Travels in Genua and Some Interestin’ Meals I Ate.

In Mistress Hollow’s opinion Genua is a city of art, wit and culture, particularly noted for the beauty of its women – and decadent. Genua once had the Disc’s second-largest Assassins’ Guild, whose members were kept constantly in work, but even they went into voluntary retirement rather than fulfil the terms of some commissions. Lilith de Tempscire (née Weatherwax) instituted a cleanup programme, with dramatic effect on outward appearances at least: both witches comment on the cleanliness of the streets, which Mrs Ogg declares ‘you could eat your tea off’, and apparently the city guards subjected Mrs Ogg to an inspection of personal hygiene before admitting her through the gates. Since Queen Ella’s accession such potentially offensive treatment of visitors has been abandoned, though it is to be hoped the city’s inhabitants still take pride in their sparkling-bright cobbles.

The Genuans are by nature relaxed and friendly. The major event of the year is the Fat Lunchtime carnival (Mardi Gras in the local patois), which culminates in the wild revels of Samedi Nuit Mort. Mrs Ogg paints a vivid picture of fireworks, fire-eaters, beautiful girls in nothing but feathers or a sequin or two, and streets filled with dancing skeletons.* As the local saying has it: if you can’t have a good time in Genua you’re probably dead; and even dead you can probably have a bit of quiet fun.

Genuan cuisine is the glorious outcome of ordinary people’s need to create palatable dinners from such unlikely edibles as remained once the moneyed classes had filled their plates. Highlights, often to be found at the market on Fat Tuesday Square, include gumbo and jambalaya (which make use of ‘beautiful ladies’ fingers’;† the gumbo, it seems, looks like boiled mud replete with wrigglers but tastes sublime), shellfish inna bun, alligator sandwiches, alligator sausage and Duck with Dirty Rice. Mrs Ogg also speaks highly of the banananana dakry and other rum-based cocktails that are served with a cherry and an umbrella to stop it getting wet.

Gumbo, the unofficial national dish of Genua

Examples of Genuan patois collected by Mrs Ogg – a few of which we have included below for interest – suggest that Brindisi, Quirm and Ankh-Morpork must apparently have had an influence on the region at some time.

GENUA UNIVERSITY

The campus of the University of Genua is located on partially reclaimed land on the rimward edge of the city. It owes its foundation to the Association of Prawn Packers and Driers and comprises a series of small wooden shacks built on stilts which extend far into the delta like a rickety train. In addition to the Department of Shrimp Movements the University runs courses on Mussel Emergence and The Sensory Tentacle Experience. The Department of Crab Ambition and Sanity runs several research buckets and has an outpost in Ankh-Morpork where, at the Mort Lake Crab Farm, cross-breeding experiments are being undertaken between the Genuan Jolly Blue Dumper and the Circle Sea Leather Crab.

SOMETHING IN THE AIR

One of the unique charms of Genua is the ebb and flow of Narrativium, that can create a compelling aura in which those who are susceptible find themselves exchanging their possessions for old oil lamps or magic beans; the latter may cause serious problems if eaten and not planted. Those same people would be wise to avoid amphibians, spinning-wheels and little old ladies selling apples. Thankfully the fashion for wearing ill-fitting glass slippers seems to have declined, along with the irrational fear of mirrors which caused older residents who have long memories to keep theirs turned to the wall.

UNUSUAL FUNERARY CUSTOMS

The high water table in Genua is responsible for the inhabitants’ idiosyncratic treatment of corpses. The deceased are placed in coffins balanced on stilts above the swampy ground. Wealthy families construct elaborate catafalques, but simple burials make do with old table legs or even tree branches.

THE NEVERLANDS

Legend has it that a race of giants dug deep canals and built dykes to create a new land from the low-lying marshes along the coast of the Neverlands. There is little trace of their activities now and the Widdershins Ocean tides which force their way through the narrow opening of the Wendersee have flooded back in. The area is now barely habitable, but pirates have claimed the odd remaining islets of land which they use as a base for their depredations in the Gulf of Brindisi.

To augment their income some of these maritime bandits have established a free port, amusement centre, casino and theme park on Barrie Island and ferry boats from Hooke Point take day-trippers on excursions to the various entertainments, which have proved to be an even more effective method of robbery than piracy.

BRINDISI

Brindisi is a small country rimward and widdershins of Ankh-Morpork, 1200 miles from the Edge. It shares borders with Muntab, Mouldavia and The Neverlands.

Geography and climate

Bordered by the River Linguini hubwards and the River Fistula rimwards, Brindisi is protected from strong Rim currents while enjoying the warm Rim climate. This explains why the people of Brindisi, believed to originate from lands around the Great Moulder Lake, chose to settle here. A nature reserve on the Mallow Marshes on the estuary of the Fistula provides sanctuary for a wide variety of songbirds including the Half-penny Diva, the Soprano Flinch, the Tenor Goose and the Castrato Tit.

Agriculture and industry

The main grape-growing area is along the Linguini valley. The Fiasco wineries produce a robust red table wine for export to the Sto Plains where the straw-encased bottles enjoy something of an iconic status as candle-holders. Fiasco wines are less popular in Brindisi itself, except as a form of fuel – the straw casings are in fact a safety consideration due to the wine’s tendency to explode.

High-density wheat used to make pasta is grown in the central plains. A team from Bugarup University has been working on introducing the Fourecks pasta bush, and it appears that the project is now bearing fusilli, although Brindisians remain suspicious of this labour-saving innovation.

The Timbre trees that generations of craftsmen have used to make stringed instruments grow in the upper Fistula valley. The Basilico Conservatoire is renowned for producing world-class opera singers, and instrumentalists who, with their locally made instruments, find their way to the most prestigious orchestras on the Disc.

Fine but brittle stone from the Hooke Point quarries is used to produce much of the statuary that decorates the opera houses as well as the numerous fountains. There is a small export trade in garden statuary but, because of the friable nature of the stone, sadly most pieces arrive at their destination missing limbs or even heads.

Culture and customs

Limbardi has more opera houses per capita than anywhere else and even though the journey to Brindisi is a long and arduous one, for the music-lover it is worthwhile. The Limbardi Operatic Festival attracts the world’s premier performers for the three-week-long performance of Still-Manifestin.

The culinary influence of this small country, already well known for its pasta dishes, has been enhanced by the meteoric rise in demand for their garnished flat breads. These are known locally as Piazzas in that they bear a passing resemblance to the cobbled city squares after the market stalls have packed up but before the sweepers have done their rounds.

* That is, dancers wearing skeleton costumes. We think.

† A vegetable. We think.

Over the centuries this vast continent has been revealed as a rich and diverse landscape of nation states, ancient civilizations, tribal districts and sand. Lots of sand. In this chapter we describe the lands which abut the Circle Sea (Klatch, Tsort, Djelibeybi, Ephebe, Omnia and Istanzia), one of the busiest bodies of water on the Disc in terms of trade routes, and also, inevitably, invasion routes; and Hersheba on the hubward coast. Areas of the arid hinterland which are or were part of their ancient empires (Betrek, Syrrit, Smale, Ur, Elharib, Ushistan, Klatchistan and Upper Klatchistan) are also included here.

The Muntab Provinces, the countries of Howondaland and the Tezuman Empire, while part of this great continent, are described elsewhere.

THE SERIPHATE OF KLATCH

Situated on the hubwards edge of the continent, the Seriphate of Klatch is economically and politically a powerful country, though its place in the nations of the world has been overshadowed in the past few decades by the rise and spread of Pax Morporkia; that aside it still exerts a powerful local influence.

Geography and climate

The main centres of population are on the coast and in the fertile valley of the River Al’dente, though there are small settlements inland where underground aquifers give rise to oases. As for the rest, the only people who can survive the harsh climate are the nomadic and fierce D’regs who, with their black tents, herds of camel and fondness for huge curved swords, wander among the ruins of lost cities and ancient civilizations. Al Khali is the political capital of the Seriphate and the massive palace complex of the Rhoxie is the traditional home of the ruling family. The town of Gebra is a military base, where the ancient fort known as the Fist of Gebra houses the Klatchian Army, whose presence deters raiders attracted by the riches of Al Khali further along the coast. The old port of El Kinte, located at the gateway to the Circle Sea, has been much extended. Its proximity to Ankh-Morpork makes it the route through which many of the riches of the Klatchian continent pass for trade, and, thanks to the thriving population of Klatchian pirates, the riches of anyone else who happens to be passing, too.

AL KHALI

This city is renowned for its fine architecture, its cosmopolitan population and its great trading market known as the soak. The vast palace, known officially as the Rhoxie but colloquially dubbed the Djinn palace because of its magical origins, occupies much of the centre of the town with its walled garden – approximately twice five miles of fertile ground. Built by the wealthy Seriph Creosote, this luxuriant park with its stately pleasure dome, incense-bearing trees, fountains and peacocks is still well maintained. The great temple of Offler the Crocodile God, with its jewel-studded domes and famous frescoes and statuary, is a place of pilgrimage for both students of religion and gentlemen connoisseurs of fine art, exotic dance and extreme acrobatics.

Al Khali is the cultural centre of the Seriphate, and the citizens have a great appreciation of poetry and music. The Square of Nine Hundred and Sixty-seven Delights with its many open-air cafés and taverns is a haven for musicians, and the curious sound of bhong music drifting out from the enclosed shady courtyards often causes consternation among lovers of harmony and cats.

The soak is a massive covered market where the local craftsmen create all manner of wonders in precious metals, gemstones, brass, silk and camel humps. It is the custom in Klatch for merchants to begin their negotiations from a hugely inflated price – this sometimes leads to problems for foreigners as unfamiliarity with the technique can result in the customer losing not only the contents of his wallet, but his wife and children and the clothes he stands up in, in exchange for a small stuffed camel hump.

The soak

Al Khali is also known for its distinctive cuisine; in the area known colloquially as the Greasy Skewer Quarter they practise every aspect of that form of cooking known as the Kebab. One variety involves impaling modest chunks of named and unnamed meat, bits of onion, small songbirds and reptiles on a wooden skewer and setting it to roast over an open fire. Another technique, far more theatrical, is to construct a huge block of well-spiced chopped camel’s knees and feet, compressed around a skewer, which then revolves slowly in front of a hot fire. The purveyor uses his scimitar to slice off pieces to order. This food is best consumed when you are very hungry and after a glass of orakh* has numbed the tastebuds.

Trade and commerce

The merchants of the Seriphate opened trade routes across the continent many years ago; their long caravans now bring spices from the Condiment Isles, the finest carpets and bathmats from Klatchistan, cacao from the Tezuman Empire, leopard skins from Howondaland and sunburnt, unhappy-looking missionaries from Omnia to the Great Trade Exchange in El Kinte. This modern building extends over three floors each the size of a foot-the-ball pitch. On the top floor small groups of plump Ankh-Morpork merchants and slender, brown-skinned, turbaned traders sit at tables, samples of produce in front of them; the bidding, carried out by a raised eyebrow or the curl of an index finger, might represent a purchase worth AM$1000. The Futures and Pasts market takes up the second floor: a frantic chattering, clattering mob in competitively garish robes waving their arms in the air to secure next year’s crop of the finest Klatchica coffee beans, or last year’s reannual dates from Hersheba. Carpets are traded on the ground floor and the selling of magic travelling carpets, charmed hearth rugs, slow runners and security doormats is carried out in an area at the rear called the G’araj. It is a specialist trade and experienced dealers examine the leading edge of second-hand carpets for signs of extreme wear. They understand that a high knot count does not necessarily indicate greater speed and disregard go-faster striped weaves, aerodynamic tassels and navigational aids based on drums. Any experienced buyer will know to take their purchase with them rather than rely on delivery, and to ascertain that it does not have any automatic homing devices attached.

The recently completed docks at El Kinte are one of the New Wonders of the World; tall slender cranes dip and rise like enormous birds, sweeping the goods from the quayside into the holds of the ships. The cranes are powered by golems, who drive giant treadmills linked to a system of pulleys. This primarily golem workforce gives the docks an unusual character, due to the absence of those businesses such as inns, gambling dens and ladies of negotiable affection that are traditionally associated with docks, and of which golems have no need. There is, however, an outpost of the Golem Trust, and a number of 24-hour kilns offering repairs and cosmetic treatments with the latest fashionable glazes.

The coffee for which Klatch is renowned grows in the Al’dente valley; fine aromatic Klatchica beans are cultivated on the rimward valley slope; on the opposite bank are the hardy and bitter Klatchnikov beans. This rare cultivar, when roasted and brewed correctly, is so sobering that it will stun any drinker into a state of complete knurdness in a moment, so it is usually served with a shot of orakh to counteract the effect. Tobacco is also grown in the upper valley of the Al’dente, but the crop is processed for local consumption only.

Religion

It is claimed that there are 653 religions on the Klatchian continent, and many of them meet in the Seriphate where trade brings peoples together from far and wide. Those who inhabit harsh desert regions believe in gods who promise an afterlife of soft green gardens with fountains, music, scantily clad young women and an endless supply of iced orakh margaritas. A lavish temple in Al Khali celebrates this belief, but there are also temples to Offler, Seven-Handed Sek, Patina, goddess of wisdom (whose penguin is a particular novelty in Klatch), Petulia, goddess of seamstresses and, in Klatch, temple frescoes, and Blind Io. In the oasis of Otherz the spectacular rite of Tridlins is performed daily at dawn by the Holy Balancing Dervishes as they welcome the new day to the melodic sound of harp and flute. The fortunate visitor might also see one of the more energetic sects that enrich the religious life of this area: the Hurtling Whirlers of Tzit. With their broad skirted costumes and bright fezzes they spin like tops in troops covering up to ten miles a day, though never in a straight line. On occasion their passing through Otherz will coincide with the Tridlins observance and much merriment can be afforded to the observer as the two ceremonies collide.

THE DESERT REGIONS

Apart from the small oasis of Otherz mentioned above there are few settlements in the desert. The ancient town of Al-Ybi, near the border with Hersheba, is, unusually for the Seriphate, largely populated by dwarfs, who lead a frustrated and bad-tempered existence trying to mine in what passes for ground in the desert. As a by-product of their activities they produce a tourist staple seen all over Klatch – namely glass jars and other ornaments filled with layers of coloured sand. Various theories to account for the presence of this dwarf colony include a story about the local Seriph being cursed by a dyslexic deity who made everything the Seriph touched turn into Glod. Al-Ybi’s only notable contribution to history is the invention of the concept of zero, the anniversary of which is celebrated each year with the Zero Funfair and the ceremony of Thanks for Nothing at the temple of Offler.

The sand-covered ruins of Tacticum, not far from the Tsortean border, are all that remains of a triumphal arch and city created by the great General Tacticus after his victory at the Battle of Carnage. Amidst the ruins is part of a giant statue almost destroyed except for the feet, whose position, archaeologists have claimed, suggest a noble stance, or possibly back pain. Carved on the supporting plinth are the words AB HOC POSSUM VIDERE DOMUM TUUM.*

The D’regs† are the only human inhabitants of the desolate and silent spaces of the desert. Fiercely independent, the many tribes lead a nomadic existence wandering with their equally warlike camels, goats and chickens from one heavily guarded well to another. D’reg chickens are banned from even the most bloodthirsty of Klatch’s illicit cockfighting rings – even there they consider that there’s such a thing as taking cruelty to animals too far. The D’regs have a tradition of offering hospitality to strangers, though often for a limited period; it is wise to accept this hospitality, however, since the alternative is for one’s lifespan to be a limited period instead. They seem to delight in discomforting their guests by presenting them with ‘delicacies’, typically a goat’s eyeball. They offer these ‘treats’ with an unnerving politeness, at the same time leaving no doubt that a refusal to accept them would definitely offend. The D’regs augment their living by raiding merchant caravans, rarely killing anyone and taking only a modest tithe on the basis they can cut and come again.

The Seriph of Al-Ybi (and founder of the Disc’s only Glod mine).

THE KINGDOM OF DJELIBEYBI

This ancient kingdom which once ruled large areas of the Klatchian landmass is now a small country extending just 150 miles along the valley of the River Djel.

Geography and climate

The River Djel rises in the mountains of Elharib, its long narrow valley passing through Ur until it reaches the flood plain which comprises most of Djelibeybi.

Since the decline in demand for prime riverside sites for fashionable pyramids, there has been a notable drop in the frequency of famines in the kingdom, and crops of dates, olives, garlic, miniature onions and any other produce that lends itself to stuffing or pickling are grown in the fertile valley. The ancient necropolis, once the centre of Djelibeybi, is now largely abandoned and a modern city, New Djeli, has been constructed near the Circle Sea coast.

Culture and commerce

Tourism contributes much to the economy of Djelibeybi: many visitors come to see the remains of the great necropolis and to explore the Khuft Museum in New Djeli, where pharaoh Khuft’s original loincloth is on display alongside other old kingdom treasures. These include the mystical accoutrements of kingship such as the Sickle of Justice, the Asp of Wisdom and the Cabbage of Vegetative Increase, as well as representations of past rulers and their consorts, all of which show evidence for a strong royal family trait towards noble chins, sculpted musculature and cupid’s bow lips.

A new type of traveller now welcome in Djelibeybi is the seeker of personal rejuvenation. Highly trained workers whose profession in days gone by was the preparation of the recently deceased for the afterlife have turned their skills to the living. Clinics and beauty salons offering pre-death enhancement and cosmetic adjustment are now opening in some number, and such procedures are increasingly popular – with the notable exception of rhinoplasty. For some reason locals, in particular, seem unwilling to allow the necropolis workers’ tools inside their noses.

The many new bridges over the Djel owe their construction to the skilled engineers who designed the pyramids, and the supplies of dressed stone left over when pyramid production ceased. An unexpected benefit from this is the large number of crocodiles that can now be slaughtered by the simple expedient of standing on the bridge and dropping a well-aimed block. The local leather-workers waste no time in transforming the muddy but otherwise undamaged skins into shoes, wallets and handbags.

A trade in garden statuary has developed from the skills of generations of monumental stonemasons, who now turn their hand to miniature obelisks, garden gnomes and water features and will accept commissions for commemorative busts.

The sophisticated pickling and preserving industry, based in New Djeli, also owes much of its success to the traditional skills with knife and preserving fluids. The new factories produce not just the traditional stuffed olive and pickled egg but also small stuffed lizards, insect chutneys and a variety of pickled mammals.

ELHARIB

The State of Elharib borders the hubward limits of the Great Nef. It is populated by nomadic tribes who until a generation ago were engaged in a prolonged war with their cousins in Smale over the disputed interpretation of a word in their shared holy book, which hinged on a single dot. Despite the technical truce the two nations are still constantly squabbling, and the Elharibians spend their time stealing Smalie goats, Smalie wives and Smalie camels. In return the tribesmen of Smale seek a regular and depressing vengeance. Such settlements as exist lie along the banks of the Djel and if there is a capital it is the walled city of Harib which rises from the valley floor on a low hill which appears to be in fact the stratified remains of previous incarnations of the city.

EPHEBE

Geography and climate

The State of Ephebe is situated on the rimward coast of the Circle Sea and borders the countries of Djelibeybi, Omnia and Ur. The climate is temperate and the coastal area is rich in olive groves and grape vines which, together with the harvest from the sea, provide a plentiful diet which requires little effort to obtain. It is one of the most ancient civilizations in the world and the remains of early settlements are remarkable for the skill in their construction. The fine-grained marble, still used for buildings and statuary today, is quarried in the Pyrinankle Mountains on the Urian borders and transported to the coast by barge along the River Stiks.

EPHEBE CITY

The city is a picturesque vision of white marble which rises steeply above the busy harbour and the lighthouse (one of the More Than Seven Wonders of the World) which almost guides the mariner to a safe mooring. The Tyrant’s Palace is at the highest point and is defended by a high wall and impenetrable labyrinth. Additional defence is a tall tower topped with a great parabolic reflector designed to shoot the rays of the sun at any invading ships. The site where the once great Library of Ephebe stood still shows signs of the fire which destroyed it; nowadays it has been taken over by a group of philosophers who have built a small edifice made from barrels, their dwellings of choice. Here they have started a campaign for the return of what they call their ‘marbles’. These large polished spheres were rescued for posterity by Mr Elgin of the Guild of Archaeologists and are displayed in the Ankh-Morpork Museum of Antiquities along with exhibits of Ephebian household goods such as carved bone needle holders, pottery and glass.

Governance and society

Ephebe claims the title of ‘cradle of democracy’ and even today its political system is, in many ways, still firmly in the cradle. Little has changed over the past one thousand years due largely to the endless and inconclusive bickering among the philosophers who make up much of the population.

They are supported by farmers, tavern keepers and a great army of slaves who resist any change to their status; the laws governing pay, running-away leave and toga allowances make it an occupation of choice. The country is ruled by a Tyrant who is democratically elected for a five-year term, though only about three per cent of the population, who are not disqualified by being female, a slave, foreign, frivolous or poor, are actually allowed to vote.

RURAL EPHEBE

Outside the city and the fishing villages of the coast Ephebe is mainly a farming community, which produces enough to supply the local population, and, when it can be bothered, olives and figs for export. Specialities manufactured exclusively for the export market are a fetid goat’s cheese and a wine that will clean saucepans and dissolve paint.

The inland city of Heliodeliphilodelphiboschromenos is notable for its traditional Ephebian School of Music, home to the acclaimed Vestigial Virgin Chorus.

The foothills of the Pyrinankles on the border with Ur, where the marble quarries are sited, are the habitat of some unpleasant predatory creatures. The Little Sisters of Perpetual Velocity, sometimes called Furies, frequent the tops of rocky outcrops, while the Petrifying Gorgons generally prefer to live in caves – although it is sometimes possible to spot them in Ephebe city on market days, where they can be identified by their thick sunglasses and stylish but tightly knotted silk headscarves. Few people, apart from the quarrymen, live in the foothills, and they protect themselves with polished bronze mirrors and metal hard hats.

The island of Papylos in the Circle Sea is still part of Ephebe. It is becoming a popular holiday destination and large hotels are being constructed along the coastline. It has been declared a philosopher-free zone.

The Ephebian tavern is not just a place of refreshment but a centre for discussion on matters of philosophy, mathematics, rhetoric and the relative merits of various olive oils and wines. Differences of opinion often lead to heated debate. This continual discourse has given rise to such seminal philosophical texts as A Vindication of the Rights of Limoncello.

KLATCHISTAN AND UPPER KLATCHISTAN

The Emirates of Klatchistan and Upper Klatchistan were created after decades of vicious civil war led to partition in the Year of the Prawn.

Geography and trade

A region of mountain, desert and plain inhabited by warring nomadic clans and their herds of sheep and goats; rivalry for greener pastures along the valley of the River Al’Paka led to a division of the country. Both states have opened up in recent years because of the trade in Klatchian carpets, traditionally made to cover the floors of nomadic camps, the designs random and the colours dependent on what dyes were cheap – and not, as the carpet sellers in Ankh-Morpork would have us believe, of deep tribal significance. Traders from Ushistan buy the carpets locally and, having cleaned off the dung (an indication of true authenticity), sell them on.

Culture and customs

A popular game believed by some to be the origin of modern foot-the-ball is played on the high plains of Klatchistan. Two teams on horseback aim to get an object called the b’once around the goal – a friendly match is when a wooden b’once is used; an unfriendly one is when it isn’t.

The Klatchistan hound, an elegant, large, silky-haired dog, popular as a status symbol in Ankh-Morpork, is used for hunting small mammals.

HERSHEBA

Hersheba has a long coastline relative to its area. Small-scale fishing, ship-building and the business of supplying provisions to passing mariners all contribute to the economy. In addition to the dried and smoked fish that is the staple commodity, they have developed a highly calorific sweetmeat which is famously sustaining. The recipe is a secret but Hershebars are much sought after by those setting out on long journeys.

Like so much of the continent, Hersheba was once a powerful kingdom. Legends relate that it was named for a mighty queen who was said to be immortal. History has proved otherwise and modern Hersheba is underdeveloped and vulnerable to more powerful interests. Cape No Return and the Meinam Gulf mark the rimward border with Ymitury, and the harbour here is often the last calling point of voyagers making their way along the coast towards Howondaland.

OMNIA

In ancient times the Omnian Empire ruled the neighbouring countries of Istanzia, Betrek, Ushistan and Smale, but in recent years its influence has waned along with the political power of the Omnian Church.

Geography and culture

Omnia is a desert country with few natural resources, and the singular importance of Omnian religion has formed much of this country’s history, as well as occupying almost all the talents of the citizenry. It used to be said that no dungeon was complete without a Master Torturer of the Omnian school, although that trade is now almost extinct, and the workshops that used to house its artisan practitioners have been turned over to production of musical instruments such as guitars, portable harmoniums and tambourines. The capital city of Kom is, in reality, just one huge temple precinct extending several miles from the coastline into the desert and containing most of the country’s populace and wealth. Apart from missionaries and religious tracts, Omnia exports very little and relies on religious foundations to cultivate the irrigated land around the Citadel and provide food. The estuary of the Slipnir River is an extensive marshy area of papyrus sedge, which is used in the production of the broad-brimmed hats worn by priests and, of course, as a writing material. Small settlements of marsh-dwelling nomads live quietly amongst the reed beds. Little is known of these Benji men besides the fact that they believe there are only 51 people in the world, not including newts. Anthropologists report that the Benji language is indecipherable, and attempts to communicate with tribesmen are usually met with a bemused expression and distracted counting on fingers.

The Citadel, Kom.

Il-drim is a small port on the Omnian coast, recently upgraded to facilitate the movement of pilgrims into the country.

Aby Dyal is located close to the Slipnir River on the site of a holy well whose waters have healing properties. A hospice is run by the Little Brown Brothers, who produce a curative and delectable liqueur, called hernet, from local herbs.

Gilash is a place of pilgrimage for followers of the prophet Wallspur, who was a zealous hermit living in caves in the area, alongside a number of communities whose villages were coincidentally destroyed by holy fire not long after Wallspur’s arrival. A number of his teachings are recorded in the Book of Om:

‘Blessed is the pomegranate, like the camel it hath a thick skin but is full with seeds.’

‘Blessed is the sticky date that coats the lips of the foolish and the wise; it bringeth the clustering flies.’

‘Blessed are the sandals for without them feet doth burn on the sand and the locust doth get between the toes.’

Commerce and industry

Pilgrim tours are a major contribution to the economy, with organized parties from across the Sto Plains arriving regularly. Pilgrims who disembark in Il-drim are transported by donkey to Kom where tours commence with a procession to the Place of Lamentation. Excursions are offered to Gilash, Aby Dyal and by boat to the Holy Grotto of Prophet Ossory on the island of Erebos.* Here devout pilgrims can manifest their faith and add to the island’s coffers by purchasing holy relics, imitation prophet beards and miniature millstones. The new Library in Omnia is said to contain more varieties of bible and holy book than any other facility on the Disc, each of them of unquestionable veracity; it attracts scholars from all over the world. A sophisticated printing industry produces the innumerable pamphlets, holy books and devotional pictures.

BETREK

An independent sheikhdom that was once part of the Omnian Empire. It ceased to be part of the empire when the Omnians eventually realized that Betrek had no natural resources and contributed nothing to the commercial, political or religious life of the region. Little is known of this country.

ISTANZIA

Once part of the Omnian Empire, Istanzia is bounded by the lower reaches of the great Smarl River hubwards, and the Slipnir River rimwards. Over the centuries these two rivers changed course many times, depositing huge quantities of thick grey clay, the raw material for ancient Istanzia’s pottery industry. When Omnia invaded, they forced the construction of great kilns to produce bricks and tiles for their military and religious building projects. This led to the depletion of the clay beds and deforestation as religious fervour fuelled the kilns at the cost of the country’s natural resources.

Istanzia has now regained independence, but the years of exploitation and religious persecution have left their mark. The aggrieved nation is slowly rebuilding its army and indulging in regular skirmishes along its Omnian border. The capital city, Georginople, is named for the head of government who is also the head of the armed forces. Recent excavations along the coast revealed an even more ancient civilization believed to be the city of Um, where the Cenobiums created the first golems. Dwarfs were attracted by legends of limitless quantities of gold. They established mining rights throughout the region but unfortunately no large deposits were ever found, and the effects of desert sun on dwarf helmets and tools proved a deterrent to large-scale settlement. Those dwarfs foolhardy enough to make the trek here in search of gold are dismissed as ‘hotheads’ back in the mountains.

SMALE

Smale is a small inland kingdom comprising a central plateau bounded by the Herelaya mountain range widdershins and to rimward. This configuration causes a curious wind cycle and any precipitation, which is rare in Smale, falls on the high plain. There appear to be no natural resources, though prospecting has been limited because of the belligerent nature of the nomadic population who are continually skirmishing with the tribesmen of Elharib. There is little reason to visit Smale except as a pilgrim to the many shrines dedicated to Koomi, the renowned religious philosopher, who was martyred by the Omnian Church for his blasphemous writings. Koomi is said to have spread dissent across the Omnian Empire – in response the Church spread Koomi across it. The Smalies are proud of their illustrious forebear and tradition has it that part of a chief’s daughter’s marriage portion is a little bit of Koomi, which is said to have benign influences on fertility. If asked respectfully the bride will happily show the pious pilgrim the above-mentioned portion for a few dinars.

USHISTAN

Like many other countries in this area Ushistan was once, briefly, part of the Omnian Empire. Rimwards, Ushistan is bounded by the high Herelaya mountain range, inhabited by fierce fighting tribesmen called the Mad Savatars. It is reported that on sighting the Omnian troops they came down from the hills in their purple and gold splendour and massacred the whole invading army. There were no further incursions from Omnia. The city of Gelim on the central plain has the largest carpet warehouses in the world: Rugs R Us, run by the Waltaw’Ali brothers. Carpet merchants travel the thousand miles to Klatch across the plains of Betrek, Ur and Syrrit in long caravans.

SYRRIT

A small landlocked emirate, Syrrit benefits from diurnal precipitation on the foothills of the Mountains of the Sun. Nomadic shepherds lead their especially bred hardy sheep from one area of grazing to another. The Scorchio wind comes up from the Rim and across the Nef desert, but when it rises above the mountain slopes of Syrrit the last drops of moisture fall as a fast-moving shower. As a consequence the local sheep are unusually fleet of foot: whole flocks move themselves like clouds across a stormy sky and the carpets woven from their fleeces have unusual ambulatory properties.

In the case of the sheep, shepherds have reported finding that a flock has moved from one side of a mountain to the other overnight. Merchants on the Rug Road who take the opportunity to purchase a flight of magic travelling carpets invariably hire the services of a carpet herdsman who, with his brace of Kh’olli dogs and using whistles and hand signals, herds the carpets across mountain and desert and at night brings them into a gently floating circle.

TSORT

History and geography

The ancient Kingdom of Tsort, historically one of the powerhouses of hubward Klatch, is now resting on the bones of its history. The Great Pyramid of Tsort is reduced to rubble and wooded landscapes have been denuded to scrubland, the timber being used to construct machines of war and vast wooden horses. The crocodile-infested River Tsort bisects the country, providing a fertile if dangerous valley where the population make a living killing the occasional crocodile and growing grain, date-palms, and tobacco.

Industry and commerce

There are vast amounts of dressed stone available for sale to those with appropriate transport; small carvings of pyramids and horses are popular souvenirs and crocodile-skin bags are a favourite with the fashionable elite. The Tsortean Blend of smoking tobacco is highly regarded as are locally produced cigarettes; rolled on the muscular thighs of grandmothers they assume a characteristic, flattened oval shape and a faint scent of lavender.

UR

The Pyrinankle Mountains, source of the fine-grained marble used by the sculptors of Ephebe, encroach into Ur. It is said that the stone quarried in Ur is more intelligent than the local inhabitants; this may not be literally true but the quarrymen of Ur are noted for their stolid diligence in carving out great blocks from the living rock. An unintended consequence and a source of mirth to visiting Ephebians is the creation of accidental stylites where a gang of workers remove all the adjacent rock and leave an unwary labourer marooned on the top of a tall spike. There are few other resources in Ur; some farmers make a living along the Djel valley supplying the endless caravans of carpet merchants.

* An extremely alcoholic drink produced locally from scorpion venom and cacti sap. Popular with the Klatchian Foreign Legion in their quest to forget, when being buried up to the neck in sand doesn’t work.

* I can see your house from up here.

† Literal meaning ‘the enemy’: a name applied to them by others, but cheerfully adopted by the tribespeople.

* Ossory is said to have sailed to the island on a millstone, but attempts to recreate this experience for tourists have so far been unsuccessful, and occasionally fatal.

The area of continental Klatch called Howondaland – also known as ‘The Dark Incontinent’ – is ill-defined but generally taken to include the tribal areas of Howondaland, S’belinde, Urt, Urabewe, Laotan, Ymitury, T’etse, the Tezuman Empire and the Sumtri archipelago. It has at its hubward borders the vast desert of the Great Nef. Rimward towards the coast impenetrable jungles and mangrove swamps make travel to the interior from the shoreline almost impossible. The coastal areas have been well documented by mariners over the centuries, although the passage past Cape Terror remains largely uncharted.

At its heart, Howondaland is more a state of mind than a geographical location and the editors have had to rely on reports from intrepid members of the Guild of Trespassers who took on the Dark Incontinent and made it back home – or at least their correspondence did. Accounts from the few traders who have penetrated upriver add to the general picture of a land impossible to map, in which live any number of different tribes, many of them strangers to each other as well as to the trouser or skirt. Stories of Amazonian princesses, lost jewelled temples, abandoned goldmines, strange monopod homunculi and giant man-eating sloths abound.

The civilizing influence of the clacks system will, for many centuries to come, probably only skirt the coastline of this mysterious region.

THE KINGDOM OF HOWONDALAND

People and culture

The Howonda tribe which give their name to this kingdom and to the region as a whole are, by the account of explorers, not only a handsome people but also the greatest sailors, hunters and traders of the rimward nations. Coincidentally they are also the only tribe that most explorers in Howondaland have spoken to. It is suspected in academic circles that they have been credited with controlling an area larger than that they actually govern.

In spite of the torrid climate married women among the Howondanians often wear several layers of fine leopardskin coats. It is the custom that a warrior should kill a leopard and give the skin to his chosen bride before marriage. Generations later, a young girl has probably inherited several coats before she gets her own. Traders are advised that the Howondaland women know the value of a good fur coat.

The Howondaland veldt was once the home of the N’tuitif tribe. These people, unique in that they have no imagination, have been hunted almost to extinction by the N’kouf tribe. The few remaining N’tuitif tribesmen live in a small river valley in the foothills of the Mountains of the Sun. They are gifted with great powers of observation and deduction and hunt by waiting for animals to drop dead at which point they eat them raw – the potential uses of fire having yet to occur to them. The N’kouf tribe were described in some detail, particularly with regard to their courtship rituals, by that great expert on Howondaland, Lady Alice Venturi. Copies of her instructively illustrated book Interesting Customs among the N’kouf are apparently so well thumbed as to be almost unreadable.

Artefact from the collection of Lady Alice Venturi: an item of personal adornment worn by Chief N’ruli of the N’kouf tribe. Or it may be a nose flute.

Commerce and industry

The main city and port in the Kingdom of Howondaland is Zambingo, situated at the mouth of the Brown River. The now state-owned tobacco and tea plantations are situated on the nearby coastal plains; fine branded pipe tobacco and cigars are the country’s main export, generating considerable wealth for the local inhabitants since goblin labour was phased out.

Fauna

Howondaland is one of the most ecologically diverse regions of the Disc. However, some years ago zoologists became aware of an apparent mass migration of elephants from the veldt. Traces of their passage can be seen in large areas of thoroughly flattened jungle, bare grasslands and collapsed river banks. The hermit elephant, which protects its thin skin by appropriating any hut, can find as a shell, does not seem to have been affected by this exodus, perhaps because its ‘shell’ renders it invisible to whatever forced the other elephants away. An entire herd of hermit elephants can easily be overlooked even on the open plain as a slightly bulging village. Some impression of the ecological impact of the migration, and of the variety of species native to this fertile land, may be gained from Miss Felicity Beedle’s book for all ages The Elephant Road, from which she has provided this extract:

If you go down the Elephant Road
Mind the poo, there’ll be a load.
Splintered trees and vegetation
Monkeys and apes in great agitation
Steaming groves and fertile plains
Watering holes now smell like drains
Bereft giraffes, a confused gnu
Bewilderbeasts lost and feeling blue
Crocodiles fleeing rivers brown
Fainting flamingos long since flown
Hippopotami roused from their damp repose
Ostriches with stamped-on toes
The Elephant Road has amazing views.
And sensible people wear waterproof shoes.

There are rumours that the elephants eventually passed over mountains and around the Circle Sea to Ankh-Morpork. There is no evidence of them having arrived in the city, but a number of menageries in the Circle Sea area, including Quirm Zoo, reported finding themselves with more elephants than their records suggested they should have, a number of which persisted in sleeping for days at a time. Documents recently uncovered in the Guild of Alchemists give credence to the story. The papers are badly damaged by fire but there is clearly a purchase order for a thousand elephants made out to a dealer called Azhural N’choate in Howondaland, delivery to a Mr Dibbler of Ankh-Morpork. Investigations are continuing.

URT

Urt is a small coastal country bordering Venturi Bay in the lee of the Urabewe peninsula, which affords it protection against storms. This area is populated by the Urtalie tribe (urt meaning ‘red’ in the local language), a colourful people characterized by their bright red skin, hair and clothes. The rimward tides in this area wash up vast numbers of a tiny mollusc identified as a crimson variant of the Circle Sea winkle. It is the main food source for the population and contains a vivid and permanent dye which stains everything it comes into contact with. Visitors are advised not to swim or even paddle in these coastal waters – prolonged contact with a ‘red tide’ is believed to have hallucinogenic effects, and there have been unfortunate incidents with Omnian missionaries walking confidently deeper and deeper into the sea, apparently in the belief that they are still on dry land. It is worth noting, however, that a good quantity of fine crimson cloth can be traded in exchange for a simple Doldrum pin.

This collection of dyed feather costumes, boas and fans was donated by Black Jo, daughter of Conrad Jo, a well-known merchant with trading posts along the River B’Ware on the borders of Urt and S’belinde. Most of the feathers are from the Muff Bird which is now sadly believed to be extinct. We are grateful to the Guild of Ecdysiasts, Nautchers, Cancanières and Exponents of Exotic Dance for allowing us to include this illustration.

THE GREAT NEF

Some 750 miles across and impossible to survey with any accuracy, this enormous desert is the largest and most arid expanse in the world.

Geography and climate

A pitiless sun shines down on sand dunes, rocky plateaux and dust devils; all is silent except for the whisper of sand and the scuttle of scorpion. Seasoned travellers tell how the rocks get so hot in the noon sun that if you crack an egg onto them it cooks within minutes. Sausages can take a little longer and no one has yet discovered a way to make satisfactory chips. A peculiarity of the region is the Dehydrated Ocean where the fine silvery sand (actually water desiccated by octarine light) is so free-flowing that sand-ships sail from the borders of Smale to S’belinde. Known locally as the Sha-Mo, it is considered formidable training for sailors from the region, many of whom go on to travel the wetter oceans of the Disc.

It appears that there is no mineral deposit worth exploiting, and even if water were found in its liquid state, the soil lacks any nutrients. Little can live in these conditions except for the rare and exceedingly venomous Recondite Scorpion and the Salamander: both creatures valued in Ankh-Morpork, the one for topping up the scorpion pit at the Patrician’s palace, the other as a rapid light source for iconographs.

Reports from travellers put the Lost City of Ee in various locations in Howondaland, but the consensus seems to be that it is in the centre of the Great Nef Desert. This city was discovered first by Abraxas the Epheban and was later found again by Truckle the Uncivil of the Silver Horde. The Convocation of Ee which took place here in the Year of the Scrofulous Vole is significant within modern Omnianism for the violence of the schisms it caused – one progressively-minded bishop was struck with his own tambourine, and a number of subdeacons suffered concussions after getting into a fight over the correct length for cassocks prescribed by Om. Ee is now famous for its infrequently visited museum which contains the first Pizza, created by the Klatchian mystic Ronron ‘Revelation Joe’ Shuwadhi. Shuwadhi claimed to have been given the recipe in a dream by the great Creator, who apparently made the Discworld in this image, but with fewer olives.

People and culture

Three tribes are known to live around the desert. The Sorca people live in the foothills of the Laotan Mountains and built the great light dams to catch and store sunlight. The Great Nef Nomads can be recognized by their traditional elbow turbans; they operate sand-ships, but also make up a significant percentage of the pirate crews and slavers who, in their red-sailed dhows, prowl the coastal waters of the continent. The Zabingo tribe live at the source of the River Wapimto just below the Viagara Falls. The menfolk of this tribe are regarded with great respect by the nearby Bewe peoples for their stamina and strength. A pool at the base of the waterfall benefits from the effect of hot subterranean gases which bubble up through channels in the rock creating effervescence in the water. The elders of the tribe and their concubines spend long hours enjoying the warm frisson of this frothy concoction. More information about the customs of the Zabingo may be found in With Wand and Broomstick Across the Great Nef by the late Desiderata Hollow, available in the restricted section in the library of the Guild of Trespassers.

YMITURY

A small but wealthy sultanate located on the turnwise coast of Howondaland. The inhabitants are generally friendly once they have established that visitors are not Hublanders, not related to Hublanders, not married to Hublanders, indeed do not own up to knowing any Hublanders. The main city Re’durat, which is governed by a Pasha and hosts a powerful order of mages, is constructed entirely of mud-brick houses which sometimes extend four storeys high. With their shuttered windows and central courtyards these buildings offer comfortable accommodation to visitors from anywhere except the Hub.

The main exports from Ymitury are the locally grown dates which are particularly fine flavoured. The country also produces ingredients for the perfume trade, including a form of musk obtained from the Giggling Meer Kat, and resinous incense harvested from the Reeking Acacia. An export unique to this wealthy sultanate is concubines; the Sultan of Ymitury has many mistresses and occasionally when the seraglio becomes too crowded he will donate the surplus to other world leaders. Carefully bound in cloth or carpet these women have sometimes, on arrival in a foreign port, been mistaken for giant butterfly pupae or even overgrown vegetables. Once their true nature has been revealed they are usually quietly returned home.

LAOTAN

Laotan extends from the Mountains of the Sun to the coast of the Howondaland Sea with not much in the way of vegetation or permanent settlements in between. The arid tin-rich spires of the Laotan mountain range are home to some of the hardiest people in the known world: the High Laots or Goat Whistlers. Swarthy, emaciated and dust-blind, these seasoned tribesmen follow their scrawny guide-goats over cruel terrain in search of the most meagre scrub. There are many tales of High Laot endurance: most notably the journey of Blind Ali who crossed the Great Nef holding on to the tail of a billygoat in hot pursuit of a pretty young nanny. The trio got as far as Lake M’Boily on a diet of creosote leaves and syphacia berries. They all enjoyed a fish dinner courtesy of the Bigmy tribe and survived the return journey on dried blue-eyed shrimp and wasp agaric. The tribesmen have developed a remarkable means of communication using differently pitched whistles and can send complex messages over great distances. A young High Laot, with his traditional goatskin sling shot, can launch a whistle some five hundred yards, the message trailing behind in the wind, giving rise to a pleasantly descending fluting noise preceding each delivery.

The Low Laot tribe dwell along the Howondaland Sea coast where they live off, and later live in, the residues of giant hermit crabs and various molluscs that are washed ashore. Nothing is wasted and these people create drinking vessels, buttons and jewellery from shell and carapace. They too have developed an unusual method of communication using the materials to hand. The distinctive sound of their clammy bands, echoing along the coast, is unmistakable.

URABEWE

Known as the white man’s cemetery, its coastline is completely overgrown with Mangrave swamps* which are infested with crocodiles, biting insects, venomous snakes and fish with teeth. The climate is hot and steamy with torrential rainstorms, sometimes including toxic frogs. The Bewe tribe are renowned hunters with blowpipe and dart; their encampments are often in trees and they have little contact with the outside world. Very little of the river system is navigable and the harbour in Bundi Bay is inaccessible except by canoe.

S’BELINDE

Reports of witch lords and their snake-warrior tribes have resulted in this area remaining largely unexplored. The small harbour at Saunders’s Creek on the mouth of the B’Ware River was named for an intrepid explorer who, while attempting to escape from the aforementioned snake warriors and having lost the paddle to his canoe, was forced to proceed using his extremities. It was at this point that he realized that the river was home to a particularly vicious species of piranha fish. When recounting this escapade in later years in the bar of the Trespassers’ Club, he observed, ‘The little buggers almost had me stumped, but I used one of my feet that still had a good few toes on to throw them a big slice of dwarf bread. That slowed ’em down!’

Kindly donated by the Smith family, whose grandfather never returned from his last expedition to S’belinde. A Balrug, or floor covering derived from the skin of a Balrog. Sadly the Balrog has been hunted to extinction for its skin which being both waterproof and strong is much prized in the manufacture of boots, waterproof coats, floor coverings and even tents.

T’ETSE

The country of T’etse is perilously close to the Rim, and the turnwise coast of this country is, for good reason, called the Scavenge Coast. The local tribesmen long ago gave up the tiresome business of catching, gutting, skinning and cooking fish or game and instead now rely on Nature’s Bounty in the form of ships’ provisions that are washed ashore from the numerous wrecks. Using the available timbers and rigging they construct elaborate gantries from which they suspend strong nets out into the sea. Surplus goods are traded with inland tribes and with the surviving mariners who make landfall at Salvation Point, where there is a temple to the Ephebian god Flatulus. It is uncertain whether this was built by grateful mariners and adopted by the local populace, or whether a temple was already established. Either way, Flatulus now finds himself in a win-win situation, whichever direction he blows. Despite living almost entirely off what the sea provides, the T’etse are no sailors. In years gone by they made beautiful ships – which contributed greatly to the architecture of Krull. These days, salvage is considered more cost effective.

THE TEZUMAN EMPIRE

Geography and climate

A land of steaming jungle, lakes, swamps and volcanoes, the Kingdom of Tezuma and its cowed satellites are, by and large, jungle clearings which have to be maintained on an almost daily basis by men armed with obsidian hand tools. The climate is hot and humid, rainfall is regular and heavy, the lava flows freely and the jungle is heaving with venomous snakes, large carnivorous animals and mosquitoes the size of hummingbirds. All in all, it is not a pleasant place to live, which could be the explanation for the national temperament being so gloomy. The capital, Poxalotl, built around the Empire’s largest and most bloodstained temple, is some days’ trek from the nearest navigable river, the Toxalotl, and the Tezumen rarely venture to the coast, being too busy keeping the temples and farmland clear to consider hacking their way further through the jungle to look at another big, wet, inhospitable place. Attempting landfall in Anophiles Bay, Lacklustre Bay, Black-Fly Island, Tiger Bay or Anaconda Head is not advised.

Culture and customs

The Tezumen are renowned for their dejected nature and they pass this misery around by indulging in mass human sacrifice to their bad-tempered gods. The main features of their settlements are large flat-topped pyramids constructed in such a way that no mortar is used. Their skill in stone-carving is evident in the bas reliefs on the avenues of granite stelae which depict their military triumphs and, in quite unnecessary detail, the gruesome fate of the vanquished.

From infancy the Tezuman child is expected to take up his or her obsidian chisel and learn carving skills; engraving on granite is their only method of recording the written word. The fact that writing a shopping list can take several months is another reason for the sullen mien of the population. The Tezuman priests have developed a sophisticated calendar. It is assumed that this is so they can confirm their ingrained belief that, as time passes, things will only get worse.

Trade and industry

There is little trade between the Tezuman Empire and the outside world. Their cocoa and jade, although excellent, are hardly worth the sacrifices they require in exchange. A group of Ankh-Morpork Merchant Venturers, some years ago, attempted to pass off a case full of papier-mâché skulls as the real thing. Unfortunately the damp and humid jungle conditions rendered them a fetid mush and the merchants were speedily decapitated to compensate for the loss. Over the centuries few expeditions to the Tezuman Empire have been attempted and even fewer survivors have come back. In general terms our advice would be not to go. To have any hope of making the return journey, the traveller would be well advised to pack industrial-strength insect repellent and a guide to the Tezuman pictogram. Accounts of a seemingly effusive welcome by the natives followed rapidly by misunderstandings are almost universal in the tiny corpus of literature available. Do not outstay your welcome.

While it is generally accepted among scholars that, contrary to popular belief, the Tezuman peoples have discovered the wheel, they use it for personal adornment and head protection rather than transportation.

THE SUMTRI ARCHIPELAGO

Official portrait of Queen Zazumba of Sumtri

The Sumtri archipelago comprises the islands of Sumtri, Sultri, Sundae and Sundry Others which extend rimward of the Gulf of Tezuma. Over the years this island nation has protected its independence through the determination of its warlike ruling family. The terrifying natural flora, which includes the ambitiously carnivorous Sapu tree, known to swallow leopards, elephants and even trolls,* as well as the giant Red-Hot-Poker plant, discourages any casual interloper. The present ruler, Queen Zazumba, has recently opened the country to limited trade and barters fine tobacco and graphite drawing sticks in exchange for cosmetics and the latest fashions from Ankh-Morpork.

* Like mangrove but more terminal.

* The juices of the Sapu plant are not strong enough to digest rock, but it is certainly inconvenient for the troll to be stuck inside until the plant fruits and withers away.

The Rim Ocean territories widdershins of the Herelaya and Klatchistan mountain ranges are now generally known as the Muntab Provinces. On old maps this area was marked as the ‘Back of Beyond’. It was known by the Klatchians as the Land of the Back Spindle Moon, and in ancient Agatea as Fah-Flung.

The Theocracy of Muntab has the greatest landmass of the region and appears to have extended its influence into the surrounding provinces of H’rull, Khanli, Vanglemesh, Rehigreed, Farferee and the Orohai peninsula. Our information on this area is incomplete* and its remoteness and the unfriendly nature of the terrain make surveying difficult; details of the hinterland and borders are still uncertain.

Geography and climate

Located just 500 miles from the Edge, Muntab has a rimmish climate with heavy annual rainfall and Rim storms in the summer. The turnwise and hubward borders are protected by the rainforests. On the slopes of the Herelayan mountain range plantations of impenetrable forest host local flora and fauna which include vampire watermelons, Accelerating Bamboo, killer bees, venomous snakes and wandering tribes of cannibalistic pygmies. Cunningly contrived guard posts are suspended from the taller trees. Resembling giant fortified hanging baskets they contain some of the nastiest plant and insect life to be found in the world.

Harbours along the rimward coast are spiked with forts: entry is rigorously controlled and limited to the Port and Free Trade area of Ghat in the Gulf of Khanli, where every trading nation pays to have a legation. Smuggling is strictly regulated: by the mercy of Gods, no one is killed more than once.

Population

The peoples of Muntab, with their brown skin and black hair, are a most attractive race. The richer citizens display much of their wealth on their person in the form of gold jewellery, and in their person in the form of gold teeth. There is believed to be real hardship in some of the farming communities where all the available land is given over to growing cash crops. Children become hungry on a diet of vanilla pods without the rice pudding.

Agriculture and industry

The wealth of this region comes from its agriculture. Rare spices such as cloves, nutmeg and vanilla grow in the forests of Khanli and peppercorns are cultivated in the offshore Condiment Isles. There are large tea plantations in Farferee and H’rull; the choice Blue-Black-Winding-Eyebrow leaf is just one of the many varieties grown. The Vanglemesht Red Python Chilli is one of the most belligerent climbing plants, and the largest and hottest pepper, in the world. The crop is grown in isolated deep valleys that it can’t climb out of and it is harvested with considerable skill by farmers using nets and harpoons. All Jolson, the famous Ankh-Morpork chef, has stated that a single Red Python Chilli would be sufficient to flavour five hundred pots of black-footed beans, or twice that number when catering for those who want to be sure of no after-burn. It is also rumoured to be one of the secret ingredients of Wow-Wow Sauce. Much of the spice trade is controlled by Klatchian merchants who have negotiated safe passage through Vanglemesh.

The finest reannual vul nuts grow in the Rehigreed province. The vul nut vineyards are located along the coast, and much of the fruit falls into the waters of the Rim Ocean where it is lost to the strong currents. It is a valuable export to the Agatean Empire, where the ripe kernels are used to produce a prized distillate known as Ghlen Livid. People who drink this intoxicating green liquid can apparently see into the future, this future often consisting of sitting quietly in a darkened room until the double vision goes and the walls stop spinning. The adventurous and commercially minded Rim Trading Merchants risk their lives gathering as much of the falling fruit as they are able and then catch the Back Spindle tide which takes them into the Widdershins Ocean and on into the Agatean Sea.

A more recent development is the field of ‘pharmaceuticals’. With diplomacy by blowpipe being a recognized arm of the state it is not entirely surprising that there is now an established working relationship with the Ankh-Morpork Assassins’ Guild. The Guild’s representative in Ghat is the Honourable Eustace Bassingly-Gore who arrived there some years ago as a result of an unplanned cruise. This trade is mutually advantageous as the research facilities of the Guild lead to the development of ever more lethal toxins which the practitioners of the poisonous dart can use to optimum effect.

The curative effect of some plants was noted by that well-travelled witch Desiderata Hollow, who brought back a selection of seeds and cuttings to her home in the Ramtops. Since then an informal arrangement has been established between the witch-doctors of Muntab and a number of Lancre witches. A regular supply of roots, seeds and plants are traded hubwards in exchange for recipes and preparations.

A tentative approach from the holders of the International Seed Collection at Big Cabbage requesting samples of the various Muntab reannual cultivars has received a positive response.

THE MUNTAB CALENDAR AND GHAT

One of the reasons why commerce can only successfully be carried out in the free port area of Ghat is the difficulty in establishing a time frame that has any meaning to the indigenous population. Their culture and religious observance is firmly based around the premise that time is counting backwards. This may well assist the growers of reannuals, but plays merry hob with shipping dates and delivery times. All trading post and free trade areas, by general agreement, operate on the Ankh-Morpork or Klatchian calendar. This can lead to confusion but the old adage ‘Time and tide wait for no man, dwarf, troll, goblin or other species. Except maybe yetis’ generally holds good.

KHANLI

Little is known of the interior of this province, but there are stories of an ancient and sophisticated civilization who built a great city of monumental temples and immense palaces where people lived in luxury and plenty – the ancient city of Kahn Li. Explanations for its disappearance include deadly plagues, prolonged droughts and unlikely stories about small parasitic wheeled carts.

OROHAI PENINSULA

That intrepid explorer General Sir Roderick Purdeigh spent some time with the sponge-eating, coral-house-dwelling pygmies who inhabit the Orohai peninsula, the most far-flung widdershins outpost of the Back of Beyond. The memoir he published on his return records that, while recovering from mild concussion and some serious skin abrasions, he found the time to compile a small recipe book for the local population. In an attempt to alleviate the monotony and limited food value of the sponge he came up with various confections including sponge-au-gratin, boiled sponge, deep fried sponge fritters, sponge pot roast with limpets and loofah surprise.

* Muntab is an elusive country and subject to sudden changes. Our last survey placed it in its current position.

The island of Krull sits on the Rim of the world like an iridescent spider, the threads of its gossamer web extending along the circumference. Above it hangs the vast multi-coloured arch of the Rimbow suffused with Octarine hue.

There are numerous other small islands scattered across the ocean on this side of the Disc, from Krull to the shores of the Agatean Empire. The fact that none have been claimed as territory by any of the continental powers is perhaps testament to the distinct lack of anything on them worth having, seeing, doing, eating or hunting to extinction.

KRULL

Geography and climate

Krull has a warm and maritime climate; it is surrounded on three sides by fierce rimward currents that create high tides and rough seas. On the fourth side it overlooks the edge of the world. The island is heavily wooded and rises to a peak upon which the city of Krull perches, an encrustation of buildings and palaces fashioned from the bones of ships salvaged from the Rimfall. The River Hakrull opens into the almost enclosed Keepsafe Bay, the only secure harbour.

The Circumfence, a ten-thousand-mile reclamation yard constructed by the denizens of Krull, comprises a vast net with floating stockades joined together by a complex system of pulleys and ropes. These also act as the communication system between the little shacks or sheds perched along its length. This seven-hundred-year-old construction is one of the More Than Seven Wonders of the World, and the Krullians employ lengthmen who are each allotted their own section – which they keep in remarkably good condition, considering that their ‘employment’ is rarely voluntary, doesn’t always involve keeping one’s tongue, and is paid only in old bottles, scraps of timber and the dubious contents of whatever barrels wash up that the mainland don’t want. Krullian salvage fleets supply the lengthmen and bring back whatever has washed up in the nets – including new lengthmen.

Commerce

The magical and scenic aspect that the island presents to the world belies the fact that its economy is based upon scavenging the flotsam and jetsam that drift towards it from the misadventures of others. There is very little new in Krull – its inhabitants are the ultimate recyclers and have discovered endless ways of upcycling, downcycling and even sideways-cycling baulks of timber, sodden bales of cloth and yards of rope, along with broken lanterns and the contents of ships’ galleys. Smaller reclaimed items are collected in a yard off Keepsafe Bay where the Chief Domestic Recycler known as Shabbi Sheik creates up-to-the-minute style statements from damp, seaweed-smelling junk.

Culture

The Krullians have little to occupy them as a continuous supply of slaves* arrives on the tide along with everything they need to eat, wear and sit on. The geographically advantageous location may also give rise to a spirit of enquiry – for whatever reason, the predominant activity of the ruling classes is the search for knowledge about their universe. The country is ruled by the Arch-astronomer and Astrozoology is the best-funded department in their small but competent university. They have launched several missions over the Edge to explore what lies beneath and are acknowledged experts in the field of chelo-cosmology. Their cuisine is based on anything which can be sieved from nature’s nautical bounty and it is usually eaten raw. It may be chronic indigestion or the fact that they have a lot to look down on which gives the Krullians their air of bad-tempered superiority.

THE MITHOS ISLANDS

These islands, the remains of extinct volcanoes rising up from the seabed, are uninhabited as there is no natural water source and it doesn’t rain much. Sheer cliffs on all sides make landings almost impossible. Even so treasure seekers climb to the high clay basins which are the only place in the world where the rare and very valuable blue milk diamonds may be found. It has been known for a handful of these precious gems to be traded for a bucket of drinking water and a rope.

THE BROWN ISLANDS

A large archipelago of at least twelve islands 1000 miles off the coast of the Turnwise Lands, where the sea is particularly rough. There is a story that one of them was visited many years ago by druid missionary Llamedos Jones. History does not record whether he converted the islanders or ever returned home, but there is one island where apparently the population enjoy choral singing, have a unique religious rite involving a ball game and it rains a lot.

THE GORUNNA TRENCH

A chasm in the Disc’s surface about 700 miles off the coast of Ymitury, reputed to be deeper and darker than any other. A place full of huge fish with eyes the size of cartwheels and great slimy tentacled monsters. So dangerous in fact that even a kraken won’t go there without his mum.

KRAPATOA

A very small sandy island a few miles rimward of the Gorunna Trench. It is uninhabited, not because of its remoteness but because of the enormous, weird and stinking bits of sea life that get washed up there after storms.

RIMMEROSS ISLANDS

This rash of tiny islands can be seen on the horizon widdershins of Krull. They may be populated by shipwrecked sailors caught up in the rushing current to the Rim; they may be rich in treasure and have spectacular views; but because they are so close to the Edge they remain unexplored. Some are so close together they act as a sort of sieve, filtering out the larger flotsam, and it is likely that the Krullian salvage fleet checks the area. Whatever the Krullians know about the Rimmeross Islands, though, they are keeping to themselves.

THE SILLY ISLES

Largely uncharted; even when surveyors have attempted merely to count the number of islands in the archipelago they can never arrive at the same total. It is thought that this is because some small islands will hide behind larger ones while the count is in progress, while others hold their breath and stay below the waves until everyone has gone.

BOUNSEA ISLAND

This large island about 2000 miles off the coast of Chimeria was discovered by a Captain Sonky, a small-time Merchant Venturer blown off course while attempting an expedition to the Brown Islands. He found the natives friendly and willing to trade, and in return for half a dozen empty wine bottles and a glass eye they gave him a stretchy hammock and an armful of small bouncy balls. It emerged that these items were made from a material obtained from what they called ‘The Sharing Tree’, an indigenous species of the island. The substance obtained by tapping the trunk of the tree had the unusual property of bouncing when made into a ball or stretching when made into a sheet. Captain Sonky returned to Ankh-Morpork with a crate of novelty bouncing balls and the germ of an idea. It took another generation to develop this idea into a recreational product with more potential than children’s toys. His son Wallace, known affectionately as ‘Rubber Sonky’, set up the rubber goods manufacturing business which still provides the citizens of Ankh-Morpork with a range of ‘Eversure Dependables’.

HERGENLAND

A pair of islands just over 500 miles from the Rim which were briefly settled by a raiding party from Hergen. The colonists stayed for just a few weeks before returning home to the comforts of a diet of smoked herring and a climate more suited to their traditional fur garb.

The smaller Beowill Island was named for the unusually determined son of the chieftain who, being more endowed with intelligence than most heroes, decided to remain there, on the basis that the agreeable climate more than made up for the lack of smoked fish.

PEARL ISLANDS

Pearl Island, largest in the archipelago that shares its name, was discovered by an Omnian priest from Ankh-Morpork, one Pastor Treddle. During a missionary expedition in the Year of the Curious Beetle, Treddle’s ship, the Slipper of Om, was hit by a storm. Treddle remained on deck with his harmonium during this crisis, bolstering the courage of the crew with a loud rendition of ‘Om Shall Smash the Ungodly Upon the Rocks of Faith’, which made such an impression upon the frightened seamen that they implored the good pastor to take the only lifeboat for himself and his instrument. The ship, with ten remaining missionaries still on board, eventually made landfall on a small island off the coast of Hersheba. Sadly, the natives of Lektor Island had their own gods and were not ready for conversion. However, the flammable nature of religious tracts was of considerable value on an island with very few trees – indeed some were used to light the fires under the cooking pots.

Pastor Treddle’s lifeboat washed up on Pearl Island, further along the same archipelago. The sandy shore offered little protection so the Pastor dragged his harmonium into the shelter of a large cave. It was his good fortune that the fierce natives of this island based their religious observance around a sea deity believed to inhabit the cave, whose acoustic properties magnified the sound of the waves at high tide, causing an unearthly noise.

At the unexpected and very real appearance of the missionary and his clamorous instrument the natives prostrated themselves and declared him to be a god. Shortly after this Pastor Treddle had what could only be described as a crisis of faith. This may have had something to do with the eighty wives he was given or the fact that they were wearing the largest pearls he had ever seen. After establishing that the pearls had been obtained locally, the spirit of commerce which lurks in the breast of every true Morporkian surfaced in Mr Treddle. As God/Emperor he used his powers of exhortation to a different purpose from that of saving souls and soon the nimble-fingered natives became adept at producing buttons, knife handles, and jewellery from the oyster shells which, together with pearls, were traded abroad, initially for items to make Mr Treddle’s life more comfortable, and latterly to the general benefit of the population. To prevent any misunderstandings with his mother church, Mr Treddle proposed a tithe to be paid to the Temple of Om in Ankh-Morpork.

It was agreed that this would be an acceptable arrangement. As Bishop Fester observed: ‘Om thrives on profits as well as prophets, after all, and if he has decreed that there is a useful endeavour in the Turnwise Ocean that is Omnian in spirit and flies the flag of Ankh-Morpork, then it’s blessings all round, gentlemen, and mine’s a sherry.’

* Or income, depending on how deep the pockets of their captives are.

Turnwise and rimward of Ankh-Morpork, the Counterweight Continent lies 500 miles from the Rim, extending hubwards as far as the Dire peninsula, just 1000 miles from the Hub. Most of the continent is occupied by the Agatean Empire – now also known as the People’s Beneficent Republic of Agatea (PBRA). The state is surrounded by the remains of a twenty-foot-high stone wall which extends to the nearby islands of Tingling and Bhangbhangduc. The beTrobi Islands are located off the widdershins coast; Nafooi, and the volcanic Slakki islets, extend from the Agatean Sea towards Fourecks. Closer to the Rim are the small, uninhabited and difficult to find Virgin Islands.

THE PEOPLE’S BENEFICENT REPUBLIC OF AGATEA

The editors are indebted to the executors of the estate of the late Mr Ronald Saveloy – advisor to Ghenghiz Cohen and retired geography teacher, whose extensive journeys within the Agatean Empire gave him a great insight into the people and features of this land, recorded by him in meticulous detail and at least three different colours – for access to his notes. The map above (a facsimile of a valuable artefact from the library of the late Lord Hong found among the effects of Mr Saveloy) shows some topographical detail and the location of the major cities.

Geography and climate

The capital city, Hunghung, is located centrally, not far from the River Hung, and the main port of Bes Pelargic is on the hubward coast where the Hung drains into the Turnwise Ocean. There is a free-trade area in the Red Triangle district of Bes Pelargic and its mixed population of sailors, beTrobi tribesmen and merchants make this area very different from the rest of Agatea.

A notable topographical feature of the continent is the vast alluvial flood plain extending hubwards from Hunghung, drained by five rivers and enriched by the dung of many water buffalo, which allows every available scrap of land to be cultivated. Towards the Rim, in the rainshadow of the coastal mountains to turnwise and widdershins, an area of scrubland develops into the arid Tito Desert.

The region’s geology, unique on the Disc, has long fascinated the outside world. Early in the Century of the Fruitbat, when even the existence of Agatea was mere rumour, the philosopher Cern of Ephebe argued that to maintain the balance of the Disc across the four great elephants this fabled continent must exist and must have the equivalent density of the entire landmass on the opposite side of the Hub; that being so, the stories of its being made of gold might be true. Many adventurous souls launched into the Turnwise Ocean towards its supposed location, but all who returned had encountered nothing but sea; the others may indeed have collided with the Agatean coast, with fatal consequences. Since then, with limited contact established, it has emerged that while there are rich deposits of gold, the bedrock of the whole continent is octiron, a metal with extraordinarily high levels of intrinsic magic, and exceedingly rare in any other part of the Disc. How this, and the existence of Fourecks, affects Cernian theory is a topic of current research in Unseen University’s High Energy Magic department.

The climate is for the most part sub-rimmish, well-suited to agriculture. The Tito Desert experiences fierce daytime temperatures, but the mountains, at least in the turnwise ranges between the W’ung district and Hunghung, are cold enough for snow to lie – an anomaly which may be a side effect of the octiron they contain.

Reproduced below and overleaf are pages from Ronald Saveloy’s notebooks, one of the only written records we have about the interior of this enigmatic land.

* Further information on this artefact may be found in Volume 6 issue 11 of the Journal of Cruel and Unusual Geography published by the UU Press.

Political situation

The Great Wall was built in the S’ang dynasty and, until recent changes in government, served to contain the population and prevent contact with the rest of the world; little was known of the land or its people apart from legends of abundant gold giving the continent its popular Morporkian appellation of ‘The Aurient’ (the place that gold comes from). Documents in the Unseen University library (Department of Auriental Studies) tell of centuries of incessant civil wars as Five Noble Families (the Hongs, the Sungs, the Tangs, the McSweeneys and the Fangs) struggled for domination. The old emperor maintained the traditional tyrannical system of government until his assassination at the hands of the Hongs. The legendary barbarian Ghenghiz Cohen then took command and his brief regime saw the establishment of an Ankh-Morpork embassy in Hunghung and the appointment of a new Grand Vizier with experience of the world outside the wall. Following the abdication of the Great Cohen the administration was taken over by the Grand Vizier and his daughters, the eldest of whom, Madame Butterfly, was recently elected Chairman of the Ruling Committee of the People’s Beneficent Republic of Agatea (PBRA).

This change of government has resulted in a more open dialogue with the rest of the world and in the Year of the Reciprocating Llama a trade delegation from the PBRA visited Ankh-Morpork to explore the possibility of building a railway in the Republic. The engineers of the AM&SPHR reported some difficulty translating the documents put forward for tender. While they could understand the meaning of the little pictures of a fire-breathing buffalo and extra-long parallel chopsticks they were unable to work out where the urinating dog pictures fitted into the scheme. Representatives of the PBRA have established a consulate above the Lotus Blossom restaurant in Dagon Street. Despite these new diplomatic links, complex documentation is required for entry into the PBRA and any group organizing a trade mission or research trip is advised to visit the consulate.

Industry

The great majority of the empire’s numerous inhabitants are occupied with agriculture – notably rice-growing, market gardening, and the raising of livestock, of which water buffalo are the most visible – but that still leaves many thousands, if not millions, employed in more industrial pursuits.

There is considerable mining activity in the Three Sun Mountains, which consist almost entirely of gold (which may have given rise to their name). The metal has little intrinsic worth in Agatea where it is so common, so demand for the output of these mines mostly comes from the mint, to produce the vast quantity of rhinu required to keep the wheels of commerce turning. Octiron is closest to the surface in the Gung-Ho range, but the extreme difficulty of mining and processing this mineral, which is at once intransigent and highly unstable, means it is a resource as yet largely untapped, despite its value.

The pottery and ceramics industry is an ancient one and its craftsmen highly skilled, whether working in porcelain or terracotta. Other important sectors are silk production, paper-making, the manufacture of fireworks, and a small but ingenious arms industry catering exclusively for the ruling class.

The design from an unusual ceramic artefact, now in the People’s Educational Museum, Hunghung

Culture

Once again we are grateful to Mr Saveloy whose informative notes have contributed to our knowledge. It should of course be borne in mind that Mr Saveloy met his unfortunate end before the Cohen regime had time to effect much change, and in the still newer atmosphere of the PBRA it is likely there has been some departure from traditional ways.

THE TING LING ISLANDS

An area of these small islands off the rimward coast of the Counterweight Continent is part of the Agatean Empire (PBRA). A unique religious cult has developed on the smaller island of TinLing which was the recipient of an involuntary expedition some years ago when a sailing ship, the Maria Pesto, foundered 20 miles inland.

Official portrait of Ghenghiz Cohen, ‘The Last Emperor’

BHANGBHANGDUC

The Great Wall still extends across the centre of this forested island though there is now considerable sea traffic between the two areas. The island was visited by one of the principal luminaries of the Guild of Trespassers, the late Sir Roderick Purdeigh; sadly he did not return from this expedition, but his recovered notes told of a population of fierce natives of short stature and covered in orange hair whose language consisted of the word ook. Recent migrants to Ankh-Morpork from Bhangbhangduc bear puzzlingly little resemblance to this description, though their culinary skills are much appreciated.*

THE MEI-LAND PENINSULA

A narrow spit of land which stretches over a thousand miles turnwise into the Widdershins Ocean and is covered with a thick forest of Aggressive Bamboo. The population have adapted to living high in the forest canopy; this affords them some protection against the sharp bamboo spears which sprout in vicious stabbing points from every inch of the ground. Any houses they do construct at ground level are, during the growing season, carried skywards at a rate of several feet a day. The hardy Mei-landian people harvest this bamboo with care and supply the Agatean Empire (PBRA) with malicious scaffolding, malevolent paper, auspicious shibo tiles, combative chopsticks and gum-piercing bamboo shoots. All at a very good price.

THE DIRE PENINSULA

By contrast this area of the Counterweight Continent extends hubwards into the chill icy waters of the Dire Straits. It is a patchwork of ancient cultures, remote weather-hardened communities and yurts. The nomadic Gangbaatar tribes wander the high plains with their herds of giant Dire Yak which supply them with shelter, food, clothing, fuel for their fires, entertainment and sometimes romance. The only variation to their diet of yak is obtained by hunting with the Dire Hawk, a small, bad-tempered, short-sighted raptor which is equally likely to deliver a snow vole, a Hublander’s woollen cap or another tribesman’s eyeball. There has been little communication with these tribes mainly because of their remoteness and the inhospitable climate; but even on the rare occasions when contact has been made, the tribal language, a gravelly gargle, is completely incomprehensible.

The low temperatures and abundant mineral-rich bedrock of the area provide a perfect habitat for small and unusually mobile trolls who have established communities on the rocky outcrops of the high plains. Like the human inhabitants of the Dire peninsula they have had little contact with the rest of the world and rare sightings of them possibly account for the stories of formless grey head-hunters brought back by sailors returning from journeys through the narrow sea passage of the Dire Straits.

The Department of Speculative Anthropology at Brazeneck University have suggested a common heritage for the peoples and trolls of the region.

The noble Dire Yak

NAFOOI

A large island with a central mountainous core; the forested foothills on the hubward slopes descend to arid coastal plains and on the rimward side the dry, rocky foothills extend to the sea. Unable to grow crops, the indigenous Nafoo people survive on a meagre diet of whistling stick insects and ground leaves.

After the civil wars in the empire and the fall of the Noble House of the McSweeneys, a few of the survivors of that family together with half a dozen pigs escaped to Nafooi, where they established a new kingdom run along the rigid lines of the old empire.

Their new citadel is surrounded by a closely guarded high bamboo fence. This is not designed to keep their people in, but to stop the constant trickle of local Nafooi tribesmen who wish to share the benefits of a society that has pigs.

SLAKKI

The volcanic nature of this region is thought to be a result of the deep deposits of octiron that extend from the mainland out beneath the Agatean Sea. This produces a high-level thaumic field, creating pockets of liquid rock which bubble up to the surface where the Disc becomes thinner. The string of volcanoes which form the core of the Slakki islands are still active, rendering the islands uninhabitable, though persistent rumours of a population of beautiful women wearing no clothes whatever have meant that a proposed expedition constantly features on the agenda at meetings of such organizations as the Ankh-Morpork Fine Art Society and the Unseen University Student Union.

THE BETROBI ISLANDS

This group of small islands is inhabited by the beTrobi peoples who are great traders and mariners. For many years they have formed a link between Ankh-Morpork (known in Trob as ‘City with the qualities of the fortunate warthog who finding many grubs eats heartily and vomits into the watering hole’) and the Agatean Empire (in Trob, ‘Land which like the irritable oyster hides valuable pearls inside a hard shell and nips the fingers of any who touch’), and Trob has been the language of commerce in Bes Pelargic where beTrobis have a significant presence. The volcanoes of this archipelago are no longer active and the fertile volcanic soils support extensive agriculture as well as giving rise to forests of diamondwood trees on the lower slopes of Mount Awayawa. The history of volcanic activity is probably the reason for the worship of firegods and the many shrines to Alohura, Goddess of Lightning.

THE VIRGIN ISLANDS

Very close to the Rim, this cluster of tiny islands, some no bigger than a rock, is largely unexplored. The strong currents in this area make navigation difficult and the impregnable cliffs which present on all the hubward aspects make any landings impossible.

* The cooks from Bhangbhangduc produce exceptionally tasty and good-value meals from bits of animals that even the itinerant food sellers in Ankh-Morpork haven’t yet thought of using, and flavour them with birds’ eyes.

FOURECKS (XXXX, TERROR INCOGNITA)

A large landmass in the Widdershins Ocean, Fourecks at its rim-most point lies just 20 miles from the Edge, and extends some 1750 miles hubwards. It is rather out of the way, though mariners have long known its whereabouts; the earliest record of it, in a ship’s log held by the Guild of Trespassers, says ‘If you sette out from Nothyngfjord and keepe going and do not fall off ye edge of ye world you’re bounde to bump into it, probably, it is quite bigge.’

Geography and climate

Fourecks was long regarded as uninhabitable, except by those who inhabited it, but they don’t count as they are indigenous and everyone knows ‘indigenous’ is Latatian for ‘doesn’t matter’. Much of the current population is made up of mariners from all over the Disc who survived shipwreck, washed up on a pristine, sundrenched tropical beach and because of the local conditions were unable to leave. Its proximity to the Rim means that bright, almost raucous sunshine occurs for much of the time, with storms around the coast. This produces a climate that is hot to blisteringly hot: dusty and arid in the central regions and with rimmish vegetation establishing itself in coastal areas. Until recently huge banks of impenetrable clouds full of storm surrounded the whole landmass, and this, combined with the almost continuous band of coral and razor-sharp rocks lurking just offshore, meant there was little interchange with the rest of the world. It is as if some kind of creator wanted to keep the whole continent unsullied by outside contact and splashed out on a particularly interesting chastity belt. In recent years and for reasons not fully understood there has been a significant alteration in the weather on the continent; a deluge transformed the landscape and mitigated the effect of the strong surrounding anticyclone. Since then trade and communications have evolved at breakneck speed, so, no worries. The capital city Bugarup is located on the hubwards coast at the mouth of the River Reddish, where it opens into a sheltered bay. An Ankh-Morpork Embassy has recently been established, with a permanent attaché from the pharmacological branch of the Assassins’ Guild. This official acts as liaison with local researchers into the indigenous and mostly wildly poisonous flora and fauna, and at the same time is well placed to keep an eye out for undesirable immigrants who may be the subject of an inhumation contract. The Assassins’ research team follows a strict ethical code which avoids testing on animals, since plenty of human subjects are volunteered for their studies.

Industry and agriculture

There is at present little manufacturing to support the economy. The extraction of opals will undoubtedly attract new investment and there are unexploited mineral deposits in the central highlands. As the water table rises inland more sheep can graze on the large prairies and these provide meat and wool as well as companionship in the more remote areas. Grain, soft fruits and various vegetables are grown along the coast. Wine is produced in some coastal valleys and enjoys a fine reputation. Rusted Dunny Valley Semillons and Lassitude Creek Marmots are making inroads into the traditional Quirmian wine market as is their ‘Old Possum Cognac’, though the Quirmians claim that it is a pale imitation of the real thing. ‘Goolalah XXXXtra strong’ beer is also gaining an export market, as a side effect of the biggest Ecksian export of all: barmen. Much of Fourecks is undeveloped because of the extremely diverse and dangerous flora and fauna; numerous interesting books have been written about indigenous species such as Blue-Eyed-Death-in-the-Dunny Spiders, Cat-o-Nine-Tailed Scorpions, Dropping-on-Your-Head Bears (a favourite with stuffed-toy manufacturers), Great-Bite Sharks, Sabre-Toothed Possums, and the beautiful Scarlet Agony Jellyfish.

Culture and customs

Much of life is lived outdoors in Fourecks and the people spend a lot of time on the extensive sandy beaches. In a recent census surfing was the most commonly cited religion, and all the better for leaving out the traditional incense, vestments, high priest and collection plate of most temple services. Surfers’ worship is largely directed at the waves, and they have also been heard to call out to their god, Cowabunga, though he has not yet been formally ratified by the Ankh-Morpork Council of Churches, Temples, Sacred Groves and Big Ominous Rocks.

One aspect of traditional religions that surfing has retained is the custom of burnt offerings; sea creatures or choice parts of a prize cow are sacrificed on contained fires and consumed by acolytes along with vast quantities of communion beer. The religious origins of this feast have been lost but some celebrants are rumoured to follow it with a rite known as a ‘chunder’.

Unlikely though it may seem, Bugarup boasts a large and modern opera house which attracts world-class singers such as Dame Nellie Butt, Dame Edna Junket and Josephine Battenberg and whose productions are always well attended.

The University of Bugarup is run on similar lines to our own Unseen University, though of course it is much smaller. A student exchange programme has been established; the current rate is two students from Bugarup in exchange for one from Ankh-Morpork, and it is usually a permanent exchange: the Ankh-Morpork students (if they survive) rarely return home; the students from Bugarup can be found working in cafés and bars throughout Ankh-Morpork years after their formal education is supposedly complete.

Much of this continent remains unexplored, but there are some documents lodged in the Unseen University Library under ‘Miscellaneous geography, field notes, observations and findings’ which add to our knowledge. They appear to have been written on board some vessel, as much of the ink has run, they smell faintly of vomit and still have traces of ship’s biscuit adhering to the margins.

Bugarup University

Document 1, undated. Probably from the hand of the Senior Wrangler though unconfirmed.

Documents 2 – 12. Authors and dates unknown owing to the fact that they appear to be welded into a desiccated mass of vegetable matter smelling vaguely of bananas

LAND OF FOG OR THE FOGGY ISLANDS

Little is known of this group of islands located widdershins of Fourecks. They are shrouded in perpetual fog and our only information comes from mariners who have made brief landfall to replenish supplies. Even the Fourecksians who investigated didn’t consider it worth a return visit. Reports of a small pipe-smoking people with hairy feet are unsubstantiated. Inland the region is believed to have a mountainous terrain and a lot of sheep.

PURDEIGH ISLAND OR PURDEE ISLAND (PURDEIGHSLAND)

This island, hubward of Fourecks, was discovered by Sir Roderick Purdeigh in one of his many voyages. His accounts tell us little of the topography of the island, but do describe the population as being in ‘Fine Healthe and of Good Bearing and Stature they Existeth in a State Of nature wearing Juste their own Skins. Trulee a Knobby Savage.’

About the Author

Terry Pratchett was the acclaimed creator of the global bestselling Discworld series, the first of which, The Colour of Magic, was published in 1983. His books have been widely adapted for stage and screen, and he was the winner of multiple prizes, including the Carnegie Medal, as well as being awarded a knighthood for services to literature. He completed the forty-first Discworld novel, The Shepherd’s Crown, as well as devising, with the Discworld Emporium, this new guide to the extraordinary world he created, before his death in March 2015.

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First published in Great Britain in 2015 by Doubleday
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Copyright © Terry and Lyn Pratchett and The Discworld Emporium 2015
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