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In Memory of Divine

DIVINE, A.K.A. BABS JOHNSON

PINK FLAMINGOS

A DREAMLAND PRODUCTION WRITTEN, DIRECTED, FILMED, AND EDITED BY JOHN WATERS

Cast

Divine/Babs Johnson | DIVINE
Raymond Marble | DAVID LOCHARY
Cotton | MARY VIVIAN PEARCE
Connie Marble | MINK STOLE
Mama Edie | EDITH MASSEY
Crackers | DANNY MILLS
Channing | CHANNING WILROY
Cookie | COOKIE MUELLER
Eggman | PAUL SWIFT
1st Kidnapped Girl | SUSAN WALSH
2nd Kidnapped Girl | LINDA OLGEIRSON

Art Director  VINCENT PERANIO

Costumes and Makeup  VAN SMITH

Running Time: 95 minutes  Color

Long shot of pink-and-gray house trailer in the woods. It is dead of winter. A china kitten climbs the front of the trailer. A blue gazing ball, plaster chickens, and plastic pink flamingos decorate the lawn. The credits begin immediately—they are endless; every star and every extra is listed. The camera zooms in on the gazing ball and one of the flamingos. As credits end the atrocious voice of the Narrator begins. He has a thick Baltimore accent.

NARRATOR Hello, moviegoers! This is Mr. J. speaking to you for Dreamland Studios. This beautiful mobile home you see before you is the current hideout of the notorious beauty Divine, the filthiest person alive.

Shot of Midnite newspaper with photo of Divine on the cover. The headline reads “Exclusive! Photos of Divine—The Filthiest Person Alive.”

NARRATOR Because of this cover story in one of your sleazier national tabloids, she has been forced to go underground, disguising her appearance and adopting the alias of Babs Johnson.

Camera returns to trailer exterior.

NARRATOR With her live her trusted traveling companion Cotton, her delinquent son Crackers, and her mentally ill mother Miss Edie. Let’s take a peek inside.

The living room of the trailer. Miss Edie, a massive woman, sits in a child’s playpen in a girdle and bra. Tacky 1950s furniture and cheesy leopard contact paper decorate the room. A small wall plaque reading “God Bless Our Mobile Home” is visible.

EDIE It’s ten-thirty! Babs! Babs! Why isn’t the eggman here? I’m starving to death for some eggs. Please, Babs, come in and give me my eggs.

Close-up of Babs’ bare feet slipping into feather-trimmed gold slippers atop the zebra-patterned linoleum floor of her bedroom.

EDITH MASSEY AS MAMA EDIE, THE “EGG LADY”

BABS I’m coming, Mama, I’m coming. You can hold on.

Back to living room.

EDIE Cotton! Cotton! Babs won’t give me my eggs! Cotton, please come in here and give me my eggs.

Shot of Cotton lying on bed listening to 45 rpm records. She is very blond and pretty. Her wall is decorated with photos of musclemen.

COTTON Be in in a minute, Edie, don’t you worry. I’ll fry you up some, honey.

Back to living room. Edie is getting panicked.

EDIE EGGS! EGGS! EGGS!

EDIE, COTTON (MARY VIVIAN PEARCE), AND BABS AT HOME IN THE TRAILER

Babs enters. She is quite fat and wears a yellow bouffant hairdo, shaved back to the middle of her head, garish makeup, and an ugly housedress.

BABS Good morning, Mama. I bet you’re hungry.

EDIE Oh, Babs, I’m starving to death. Hasn’t that eggman come yet? I love that eggman so much.

BABS (As if speaking to a child) No, he hasn’t come yet, Mama, but we still have some eggs. I’ll put some on for you. Did you sleep well?

EDIE Oh, Babs, I slept so well. Where did you get this train? Did you sleep in the caboose last night? How did you know I loved trains?

BABS Oh, it’s not a train, Mama, it’s our new mobile home and I sleep in the other room. We all have our own rooms this time; me, you, and Cotton. Crackers has that nice little shed right out back so he can have his friends in whenever he likes without waking us up. Isn’t it wonderful? Now, you just sit tight and I’ll fry you up some big grade-A treats. Over light today, Mama?

EDIE No, Babs, no. It’s sunny out today. I want them sunny-side up. You know how I like them, Babs. You know how I like them.

BABS I know, Mama, I know. I’ll be right back. (She exits)

As the Narrator’s voice begins again, we see the exterior of a three-story row house. A sign with the address 3900 is on the small front lawn.

NARRATOR Across town, located in the teeming metropolis known as downtown Baltimore, live Connie and Raymond Marble, two jealous perverts that hate Divine’s fame and notoriety more than anything in the whole world. For Connie and Raymond Marble it was the beginning of the end!

Medium shot of Connie’s office. She is interviewing a young woman. Connie sits regally behind her desk wearing a blue jeweled suit and rhinestone-trimmed cat-eye glasses. Her hair is the color of a red crayon.

CONNIE Well, Miss Sandstone, after looking over your qualifications, my husband and I have decided that you are not exactly what we had in mind for the job. Not only have you never heard of Divine, which is one of the key elements in this particular job, you also seem to show a lack of general experience and, to be honest, we feel you to be sort of a dullard.

SANDY (Taken aback) Well, why do you say that? I did everything you asked. I even found out who this Divine was.

CONNIE Too late! Too late! Naturally you did everything I asked, my dear, or you would never have gotten to this plateau of the job placement test. I mean surely you can see our point—we’re not in a position to just take anyone. This is a high-security job, as you can well imagine, and personally, we just don’t feel you meet our … oh, how should I say? … our admittedly sometimes stringent screening process.

SANDY Well, why did you hold me up for so long? Why did you keep asking me to come back? I had another job I could have taken. How could I get this information about Divine? I don’t know her. You led me to believe I had this job.

CONNIE Well, Miss Sandstone, Miss … (She checks her records) … Miss Sandy Sandstone, you just must have been wrong in your assumption, weren’t you? I mean surely you’ve heard the expression “Don’t count your chickens.” Well, APPLY IT! I never gave you an answer on this whole thing, and as far as you believing that you had the job, well, I’ve never even considered that you would be the applicant we would choose. You don’t know enough. I mean, I wish everyone was like you and had never heard of Divine but, unfortunately, it just isn’t like that. Now if you wouldn’t mind, I do have a busy day ahead of me; there’s really nothing left to discuss.

SANDY What am I supposed to do now? That’s what I’d like to know.

CONNIE You can eat shit for all I care, Miss Sandstone, or eat anything that you like or do anything that you like, just don’t assume that I want to know your troubles. Now, if you wouldn’t mind, I’m a busy woman with a full day’s work ahead of me. Please remove yourself from my office!

SANDY (Jumping up) You’re a real cunt, do you know that? A real fucking cunt! How can you be so shitty to people? How can you stand yourself?

CONNIE I guess there’s just two kinds of people, Miss Sandstone: my kind of people and assholes. It’s rather obvious which category you fit into. Have a nice day.

SANDY Eat the bird, bitch! (She exits)

Out back of Babs’ trailer, we see her son Crackers’ shed. It is crudely made out of scrap wood and is decorated with hubcaps. Crackers stands in front of it holding a live chicken. He is dressed in Levi’s and an old shirt, has long hair, and one of his front teeth is missing.

CRACKERS You ready, Ma? You ready yet?

Babs appears on back porch of trailer and yells.

BABS I’m ready, darling, just let me say good-bye to Mama and Cotton. I’ll be out in a minute, honey.

CRACKERS Okay, Ma, but get the lead out of your ass or I’ll be late for my date.

BABS All right.

CRACKERS (Begins petting chicken and talking to it) Yes, won’t I be late for my date? You all are going to love my date. I’m going to bring her back real soon for you all to enjoy.

Cotton sits in the living room of the trailer next to Edie in her playpen.

EDIE What do you mean “Humpty Dumpty was an egg”? How could a person be an egg, Cotton, how could a person be an egg?

CRACKERS (DANNY MILLS)

COTTON (Patiently) Well, he had little arms and little legs and he could walk and talk and all just like he was a person, only he was an egg, a little egg all dressed up.

EDIE (Laughs hysterically) Tell it to me again, Cotton.

COTTON You should be learning it by now, Edie. Now listen carefully. “Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. / Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. / All the king’s horses and all the king’s men / Couldn’t put Humpty together again.”

EDIE Hahahahaha! (She laughs uncontrollably, wildly shaking the bars to her playpen)

COTTON Do you get it, Edie? Do you understand?

EDIE Tell me some more egg stories, Cotton, please tell me some more stories.

Babs enters in gold-print skintight dress, gold Spring-o-laters, fox wrap, and another layer of heavy makeup. She looks staggeringly bizarre.

BABS I’m on my way.

COTTON You sure are dressed up, Babs, you look real pretty.

BABS (Sits down on a tacky couch) Oh, thank you, Cotton. A girl can never tell who she might run into when she’s downtown. Why, I’m all dressed up and ready to fall in love.

COTTON I kinda wish I was going out too, but I think Crackers is bringing his lady friend out here and I don’t want to miss that—it’s usually a pretty good show.

BABS Oh, I know. You can go into town next time I go, it’s just those errands I have to run. Besides, you and Crackers will have a pretty good time right here; that little shed’s just perfect!

COTTON I know it, Babs. It will be the first time we’ve had anyone out here and I can’t wait to see how it works. I hope she doesn’t give us any trouble.

BABS Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that. Crackers has a pretty good eye for what he likes. Just say a little prayer I find a little something. Why, I haven’t fallen in love in three whole days and I’m just ITCHING to find somebody with a little imagination.

EDIE (Blurting) BYE-BYE BABS, BYE-BYE BABS. BYE-BYE BABS! BYE-BYE BABS!

BABS (Visibly annoyed) Mother, you do not have to raise your voice and you don’t have to yell. We’re all right here. We can all hear you!

EDIE (Crying) I do have to yell. I’m starving to death and that eggman ain’t gonna come and I know it.

BABS You know he never comes till later, Mother.

COTTON (Comforting Edie, hugging her) She’ll be all right. Go on, Babs. (To Edie) You want some hard-boiled eggs to nibble on while you’re waiting?

EDIE (Sobbing) Yes, yes.

COTTON I bet you do.

Babs shakes her head in disbelief and exits out front door.

COTTON Bye, Babs, and don’t forget the party food.

BABS Okay.

Babs walks out front door of trailer and onto the lawn.

BABS Crackers, I’m ready!

Crackers approaches, ready to leave for the city. He has a sheathed knife strapped to his belt.

CRACKERS Let’s go, Mama. I’m late for my date.

BABS Oh, but honey, how will you ever get back from downtown?

CRACKERS We’ll hitch, probably, Ma. It ain’t hard. You can let me off at the Etta Gown Shop. That’s where I’m supposed to meet the little lady. I just hope she’s ready for a little action.

BABS Oh, honey, I know what you mean. I wouldn’t mind finding a little action myself. But then you shouldn’t have much trouble with your date, that is if she has anything on the ball. Just hope she likes to experiment. You know what I mean, a little sweet-talkin’ goes a long, long way. Give me your hand, honey.

Babs and Crackers walk down wooded path, holding hands. Their garish appearance clashes with the idyllic country setting.

Shot of white 1961 Cadillac.

DIVINE STEPS OUT

They get in car and pull off.

Shot of power window going down.

Close-up of Coup de Ville insignia.

They drive along country road and purposely try to run over a jogger. Narrowly missing being hit, the startled jogger flees into the woods.

Close-up of Babs laughing.

A cloddish soldier is seen hitchhiking. They stop the Cadillac to give him a ride but as he runs to the car they pull off. Crackers gives him the finger.

The soldier shakes his fist as car vanishes, and he accidentally falls in a ditch.

Babs again laughs hysterically.

They park on city street, kiss good-bye, and go their separate ways.

We see Babs walk down a block with huge red graffiti on the wall behind her: “Free Tex Watson.”

Connie Marble’s office later in the day. She appears to be in a nasty mood. Impatiently she sounds her desk buzzer, which can be heard all over the house.

CONNIE Channing! Channing!

Living room of Marbles’ home. Channing, their butler, sits on a couch surrounded by movie posters and religious statues, reading a National Enquirer with the headline “The People Around You Can Make You Sick.” He has medium-long hair and wears a servant’s pink uniform.

CHANNING (Hearing the buzzer) Jesus Christ! (He throws the paper down and walks offscreen)

Channing enters Mrs. Marble’s office.

CONNIE Are they here yet?

CHANNING They’ve been waiting.

CONNIE WELL, SHOW THEM IN!

Channing returns to living room. Two women, Etta and Merle, are nervously waiting. Etta has an extremely high white bubble hairdo and wears a silver lamé dress. Merle has short hair and is dressed very masculinely.

CHANNING Mrs. Marble will see you now.

ETTA (Jumps up) Come on, Merle, she’s ready to see us.

MERLE I’m comin’, I’m comin’.

They all enter Connie Marble’s office.

CONNIE Hello.

ETTA (Nervously) Hello, Mrs. Marble. We’ve been so excited about this all week, me and Merle, well, we can hardly sleep at night just waiting to see little Noodles’ face.

MERLE And, shit, we usually sleep pretty good. Me and Etta are gonna have to really settle down once we get Noodles home. It’s gonna be a lot different with a baby around.

CONNIE Yes, well, as I said, Mr. Marble and I are about ninety percent certain that you will get Noodles, but first, have a seat, so I can briefly recheck your application.

Cut to the dungeonlike cellar of the Marbles’ home. The floor is covered with old lumber and rocks. The rotting corpse of a young woman is visible and a newborn baby lies nearby. Another woman, Suzie, is chained to the floor and is eating out of a dog’s plastic bowl. She wears a torn nightgown, black 1930s heels, and has sores all over her face. Her hair is matted and filthy and she is about five or six months pregnant. Channing climbs down ladder into the torture pit.

CHANNING Don’t say anything, all right? Just don’t say a word.

SUZIE (Jumping up from her dinner and pointing to corpse) When are you gonna get her out of here?!

CHANNING (Picking up baby)) Come on, little Noodles, you just found a new home.

SUZIE Oh, that’s real nice! Poor fucking Alice dies giving birth and you can’t even bother to move the body. And now that bitch has sold the kid! Poor baby. And you, you suckling, can’t even get me my tranquilizers. You shithead, where are my pills?! That bitch can afford it—she’s got another couple of grand coming for this one—can’t she at least give me my fucking pills?

CHANNING I said don’t talk to me when I come down here.

SUZIE I don’t give a fuck what you said, you fucking pig. Get this body out of here, it’s making me sick! When are they gonna get another one? What poor girl will they get next? I know they’ll get another one. Just like when I came here, I replaced somebody, didn’t I? You fucking little dingleberry. That’s what you’re like, you fucking ball of shit!

CHANNING I said SHUT UP! Just shut up and don’t talk to me when I come down here.

Back to Connie’s office. Channing enters with the baby. Etta and Merle both jump up oohing and aahing, trying to hold the baby.

ETTA Oh, look how pretty she is.

CHANNING (Refusing to hand over the baby) Wait a minute. Connie, do they get this?

CONNIE (Smiling) Yes they do, Chan.

ETTA Look how pretty she is. (Holding the baby) Oh, Merle, I’m so happy.

MERLE And baby, if you’re happy, I’m happy. That’s what I’m living for; you, me, and now, little Noodles.

ETTA Thank you, Mrs. Marble. Without you we could never have been this happy. You are a wonderful, wonderful person.

CONNIE Thank you, ladies. If it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be in this business and that’s all I care about is satisfying my customers and making sure the babies are placed in good homes.

MERLE & ETTA Thank you.

CONNIE Bye-bye, now.

Babs struts down a crowded Baltimore street, swinging her hips and flashing a smile. The camera is hidden in a moving car, so the mostly black crowd of downtown shoppers reacts with astonishment, laughing, pointing, and, in some cases, jumping back in fright. Everyone else is warmly dressed for winter. Babs wears only her sleeveless, gold-printed cocktail dress and spike heels.

Babs enters a small grocery store. Other shoppers can be seen selecting bread, etc. After looking over a canned-goods display, she approaches the butcher and orders a steak. He picks one, wraps it, and hands it to her. Babs carefully surveys the store for detectives, unwraps the steak, and sticks it up her dress and into her crotch. A look of bliss comes over her face when she feels the cold steak against her warm flesh. Just as she is leaving the store, a crazed hippie approaches her squeezing a pack of hot dogs and panting. Appalled, Babs exits the store as the hot-dog pervert falls to his knees, his tongue hanging out, moaning.

Shot of Babs’ spike heels climbing the steps of a Baltimore park.

She takes a walk around the park, pausing to gaze at the Baltimore skyline.

Camera follows Babs as she descends park steps. A giant American flag blows in the wind behind her.

Continuing her walk, Babs is seen in front of the mansions in a rich part of the city. She casually strolls up to one of the estates’ plush grounds and urinates, wiping herself with a tissue from her handbag and throwing the soiled Kleenex to the ground. She slowly walks away, defiantly swinging her hips.

Connie Marble’s office. We see Connie reading the Midnite with Divine on the cover and the “Filthiest Person Alive” headline. Connie is fuming, jumps up, and rips the paper in shreds.

CONNIE We’ll see who’s the filthiest person alive! We’ll just see! And where is that Raymond? Where is he? How could he leave me alone when there’s so much to be taken care of?! (Sobbing) Oh, please come home, Raymond. I need you so badly.

Exterior of Maryland Employment Service. Two female secretaries walk by on the way to their lunch break. Raymond Marble’s head suddenly pops up from behind a wall. He has bright blue hair and wears a white sports jacket. It is obvious that Raymond is completely engrossed in spying on the two secretaries.

The secretaries walk into a public park, sit down, and begin to eat their lunch.

Close-up of Raymond Marble watching them through binoculars. He slowly sneaks up on them, all the while lightly groping himself.

The two young women continue to eat and chat.

Raymond is suddenly right behind them wearing a ridiculously theatrical face mask. He pulls open his coat and flashes his penis at them. His pubic hair is blue and a foot-long hot dog is tied to the end of his member.

The secretaries recoil in horror and run away, forgetting their purses.

Raymond chuckles, picks up the forgotten purses, and runs away laughing.

Raymond drives his black 1959 Cadillac limousine to a parking space in front of his house.

Close-ups of the tail fins, rear lights, and Cadillac insignia.

Raymond gets out of car, dusts himself off with a whisk broom, and enters his home.

Shot of a young woman named Cookie riding in backseat of a cab. She wears a red coat and a black fancy hat.

COOKIE Can’t you hurry, driver? I’ll be late for my appointment.

DRIVER Going as fast as I can without breaking the law, lady. 3900 Greenmount, right?

COOKIE (Rudely) That’s what I said, wasn’t it?

The cab stops.

DRIVER $2.30.

COOKIE (Jumping out of cab) You can shove $2.30, hack!

Driver jumps out and chases her, yelling and cursing.

Cookie has just entered the Marbles’ living room. Raymond helps her off with her coat and they sit as Connie enters with a tray of sandwiches.

CONNIE Well, hello, Cookie. I do hope you’re hungry.

COOKIE (Taking a sandwich) I could go for a sandwich. Mmm—baloney. Well … I’ll get right to the point. I can get you information about Divine, lots of information I think, if things go well today. I have a date with her son Crackers.

RAYMOND This is, of course, an encouraging development.

CONNIE This is an important assignment, Cookie. We could all benefit—you financially, and Raymond and I, well, our social standing is involved to a great degree.

Close-up of framed photo of Manson family member Susan Atkins on the table.

COOKIE I may have to degrade myself in front of Divine’s son. He’s into a very strange sex scene. I may have to put up with unheard-of atrocities in order to pump the information you need out of him. But first I have to know exactly what you need to know, because my so-called date is this afternoon.

RAYMOND Cookie, as you know, Divine has achieved a sort of fame lately, both locally and on the national level. You may have heard the term “the filthiest person alive”?

COOKIE I have heard the term, yes. The papers call her that and she is known as that to a limited extent in your more crime-conscious sections of the city.

CONNIE We feel this to be an untrue statement. We feel Raymond and I far surpass her in every aspect of the term “filth.” As you know, we run a baby ring. Oh, it’s really a very simple process. We keep two girls at all times who are impregnated by Channing, our rather fertile servant. We sell the babies to lesbian couples and then we invest the money in various businesses around town.

RAYMOND We own a few pornography shops plus we front money to a chain of heroin pushers in the inner-city elementary schools.

CONNIE We feel the attention that’s been focused on Divine is most unfair. She is merely a common thief and murderer. Unfortunately for us, our line of work limits our chances for publicity and travel but this does not mean we wish to go unnoticed! After all, we’ve not worked all these years in order to be upstaged by this fat hog that calls herself Divine.

RAYMOND So we must catch her off guard, you see, before she realizes she is being attacked. We need information as to how they live, where they live, how many people, their names, their daily schedules for the week. In other words, we want to know how we can plague her the most, how we can make her life as miserable as possible, how we can prove to her that she is shit compared to us, shit compared to the filth we have in our minds, shit compared to what we know to be the filthiest life.

Long frontal shot of the trailer.

NARRATOR Little does Crackers know that his so-called date is really a spy sent by the Marbles.

Crackers and Cookie enter the trailer living room. Edie is asleep in her playpen, snoring loudly. Egg leavings cover her face and chest, and a bowl of half-eaten eggs sits by her feet.

CRACKERS This is my grandma, Edie.

COOKIE What’s … what’s the matter with her?

CRACKERS What’s the matter with her? There ain’t nothing the matter with her, she’s just my grandma, that’s all.

COOKIE Why are those eggs all over her face?

CRACKERS I guess she was just hungry, that’s all. See, she sort of has some problems. Nothing serious, but you know, she just loves eggs, always has. Sit tight, I’ll go see if Miss Cotton’s up yet.

As Crackers exits, Cookie starts snooping around the living room looking for information.

Cotton’s bedroom. She sits on the bed in a nervous state, frantically puffing on a cigarette. Crackers rushes in.

CRACKERS She’s here, Miss Cotton, she’s here! Shouldn’t be long now before I get it going, that is, if she cooperates and SHE WILL.

COTTON Oh, Crackers, I’m so excited. I’ve just been sittin’ right here ever since you left. What’s she like? Does she have a nice body? What are you gonna do for me today, honey? Something I haven’t seen, I hope.

CRACKERS Miss Cotton, I got something in mind today I never ever tried before; something very exciting for me. My little chickens are going to be in the show today, Cotton. Me and some nice juicy plump chickens.

COTTON (Getting more and more aroused) I need this so bad, Crackers. Make it better than you did last time!

CRACKERS What was the matter with that one? You said you liked that show.

COTTON Oh, I did, I did! It was just that you were so fucking beautiful in that one, that now I want more! I gotta see more, Crackers, more than I’ve already seen. Could we have some blood in this one? Just a little bit? And take off your clothes slower, and don’t let HER ruin it!

CRACKERS Miss Cotton, you’re gonna dig this one. It’s gonna be better than anything I ever did before. I can feel it in my blood, all through my body. You know I only do it for you. It’s only you watching me that gets me off, you know that. I’ll make it special today, I promise. (He attempts to caress her)

COTTON (Panicked) Please be careful not to touch me!

CRACKERS (Jumping back) I ain’t touching you! I ain’t touching you!

Trailer living room. Cookie is still looking around as Edie wakes up.

EDIE Oh … hi, pretty little face. Pretty little face you’ve got there.

COOKIE Oh … hello … I’m Cookie, I understand you’re Edie, Crackers’ grandmother.

EDIE (Cackles) Edie, Schmedie, Hedie! Hahaha! Is Babs back from shopping for the birthday party? I’m gonna go; I got a party dress.

COOKIE (All ears) When is the party?

EDIE Oh, Babs’ birthday. Are you the eggman?

COOKIE No … no … I’m not. Where’s Crackers’ mother?

EDIE She’s calling all the people to invite them to the party and I’m gonna go.

Crackers enters with Cotton.

CRACKERS I see you’re up, Granny. (Edie cackles) (To Cotton) This is Miss Cotton, she’s one of my roommates.

COOKIE (Extends her hand as if to be kissed) Charmed, I’m sure.

COTTON (Ignoring it) Hello, Cookie. You sure are a fine-looking young woman. Crackers has told me about you. (To Crackers) Why don’t you show her the shed? (To Cookie) You’ll like it out there, it’s so private.

COOKIE I’d love to see it.

CRACKERS C’mon, Cookie, I’ll go show you my chickens.

COOKIE You have chickens? I love little chickies!

Crackers and Cookie exit. Cotton rushes from window to window watching them as they approach Crackers’ shed.

Cotton sneaks across yard to back of shed, where she watches the couple through a screen window.

The interior of the shed. Completely bare except for a torn mattress and a few live chickens wandering about. Crackers is already naked as he roughly undresses Cookie. As they begin to make love, Cookie’s face begins to show horror as she realizes Crackers is stuffing live chickens between their bodies.

Cotton watches through rear window in a state of obvious sexual excitement.

COOKIE (COOKIE MUELLER), COTTON, AND CRACKERS PREPARE FOR AN ODD SEXUAL ENCOUNTER

Crackers becomes wilder, forcing the startled chickens between Cookie’s legs. Cookie begins screaming.

COOKIE No! Christ, no!

CRACKERS (Struggling) Hold ’em!

COOKIE (Pushing away chickens) No! God! No! No!

CRACKERS Hold it! Hold these goddamn chickens!

COOKIE Chickens! God, all these chickens! These fucking things hurt. (Moaning and screaming) God, you’re crazy.

Crackers slits a chicken’s throat and stuffs the bloody chicken between Cookie’s legs and then throws himself wildly on top of her. Blood is everywhere and Crackers is wild with passion.

THE “CHICKEN FUCK”

Cotton is panting, still watching through window. At the sight of the blood, she faints from passion.

Cut to back lawn of trailer. The Eggman, dressed entirely in white, enters from trailer rear. He is carrying a suitcase.

EGGMAN Eggman! Eggman! Anybody home?!

The living room of the trailer. Edie is still in her playpen and goes wild when she hears the Eggman’s voice.

EDIE Cotton! Cotton! I’m in here! I hear the Eggman! In here! In here, Mr. Eggman! Eggs! Eggs! Oh, help! God! God! In here! In here, Mr. Eggman! Here I am! The Eggman! The Eggman!

The Eggman and Cotton enter. The Eggman sits next to Edie’s playpen and Cotton sits in a hideous easy chair.

EGGMAN Hello, li’l Edie! How’s my little princess today?

EDIE (Blushing) Oh, Mr. Eggman.

COTTON Mr. Eggman, we’re having a party for Babs on Thursday and we’d like you to come as Edie’s date.

EGGMAN Well, I would be honored to attend, especially with such a beautiful date.

He opens his suitcase. Inside are dozens of eggs, mounted for display.

EGGMAN And now, Edie, what will it be today? I have grade-A extra large, I have grade-A large, I have medium, I have small. I have brown, I have white. Why, just look at these. (He holds up some eggs for Edie to inspect) So fresh you could barely believe it. Why, they’re just begging to be scrambled or fried or poached or hard-boiled or all-around ready to be thrown into a big fat juicy omelet. How about it, Edie? What’ll it be for the lady the eggs like the most?

EDIE (Beside herself with joy) I want them all! I’ll have the brown ones, those great big white ones, and I’ll have those over there and I want some for frying and for scrambling, and, oh, God, those over there …

COTTON All right, Edie, we’ll buy them all for you. How about that?

EDIE Oh, Cotton, you make me so happy; you and the eggman. Please, Mr. Eggman, don’t ever quit your job! I always want eggs, always and always and always.

MAMA EDIE AND THE EGGMAN (PAUL SWIFT)

EGGMAN Miss Edie, as long as there are chickens layin’ and trucks drivin’ and my feet walkin’, you can be sure I’ll bring you the finest of the fine, the largest of the large, and the whitest of the white. In other words, that thin-shelled ovum of the domestic fowl will never be safe as long as there are chickens layin’ and I’m alive, because I AM YOUR EGGMAN AND THERE AIN’T A BETTER ONE IN TOWN!

EDIE (Overcome with love) Oh, Mr. Eggman.

Connie and Raymond Marble are seated in the backseat of their Cadillac limousine. Channing is chauffeuring them as they cruise the neighborhoods in search of young women to kidnap.

CONNIE Nothing but these fucking jerk-off hippies on the road today. Oh, where are their little pig girl friends? God, I get so tired of just driving around, driving around.

CHANNING (Offscreen) Here’s one up ahead.

CONNIE Pull over!

RAYMOND (Looking out window) M-m-m-m-m, she looks real good.

CONNIE She’ll do just fine.

A pretty young hitchhiker, Linda, gets in the car. She sits in the backseat between the Marbles.

LINDA Thanks. Wow, where did you get this beautiful car?

RAYMOND (Rudely) At a car dealer, where did you think?

CONNIE Where are you going?

LINDA Just downtown. Anywhere near Howard Street.

CONNIE Oh? … Meeting someone?

LINDA Yeah.

CONNIE WHO?!

LINDA (Beginning to get nervous) My boyfriend and a couple of other guys. Why?

RAYMOND Going to a gang bang or something?

LINDA (Shocked) What? Hey, what’s with you two?

CONNIE (Grabbing her) We just wondered where you were planning to spread your VD today, that’s all, hussy!

LINDA Hey, I don’t think that’s necessary.

CONNIE Oh you don’t, huh? Well, how’d you like to fuck my chauffeur? He’s got a real horse dick on him.

LINDA (Scared) Come on, just let me out here. This is fine.

RAYMOND Why do you want to get out here? This isn’t downtown.

CONNIE (Shrieking) We’re nowhere near Howard Street! What’s the matter? You afraid it ain’t big enough for you?

LINDA (Struggling to jump out) Cut it out! Just let me out here!

CONNIE (Shoving her) Sit back! (To Channing) Give me the rag!

LINDA Get the fuck off of me! Please.

Connie takes a cloth soaked in chloroform and forces it to Linda’s mouth. She quickly passes out.

RAYMOND (Pleased) There, she’s out now.

The torture pit. Suzie is still chained, squatting and crying. Channing enters carrying Linda, who is still unconscious.

CHANNING I have a new friend for you.

SUZIE Already? You got one already? Is she asleep or is she dead? Did you just kill her? Where’d they get this one?

CHANNING (Chaining Linda to the floor) Hitchhiking, just like you were. Doesn’t pay to hitchhike these days, does it?

SUZIE And I guess you’re gonna fuck her now, is that it? Right in front of me? The poor girl that has to fuck you! Thank God, I don’t remember it! Thank God, you spared me at least that.

CHANNING I have a surprise for you this time. I don’t even have to touch her.

SUZIE How did you get out of that part of the job? Did your boss finally decide someone else would do it? Who? Her slimy boyfriend? Is she going to let that fag do it right in front of me? That whore!

CHANNING Oh, no, this is a surprise for Connie and Raymond too. I have it all figured out this time. I don’t even have to touch her.

SUZIE Why did you have to touch me? How could I have a child by you? What a repulsive thought!

Channing pulls down his pants to his knees and begins to masturbate. His back faces the camera. Suzie is appalled.

SUZIE Oh, you pig! You animal! Oh, my God! Right in front of me! Stop it, you asshole! How vile can you be?

CHANNING (Trying to concentrate) Shut up! You’ll see, just shut up!

SUZIE I swear I’m going to throw up on you, Chan. I swear I’m gonna puke if you don’t stop it!

CHANNING (Wildly) Turn your head if it makes you sick! Don’t watch. Think of how sick it made me to touch you and now … this one!

Channing moans in orgasm.

Suzie vomits all over herself.

Close-up of Channing sucking semen from his palm into hypodermic syringe and then performing artificial insemination on Linda.

SUZIE YOU REPULSIVE PIG! YOU HATE HER SO MUCH YOU’D GET HER PREGNANT THIS WAY!? STOP IT, YOU FILTHY ANIMAL!!

Connie and Raymond’s bedroom. They are both wildly involved in a rather bizarre sexual act. Connie has her hair done like a man’s and wears men’s Jockey underpants. Raymond has his hair done in a woman’s bouffant upsweep and wears blue lace panties. As the scene begins, they are in sixty-nine position sucking each other’s feet passionately.

The phone rings.

RAYMOND Shit, I’ll get it.

CONNIE (Sucking his toes) Just let me finish you off!

RAYMOND It might be Cookie.

Phone rings again.

CONNIE Come on, you’re almost there.

RAYMOND (Reluctantly pulling away from her feet) It’s probably Cookie with the information.

CONNIE Answer it, then! Answer it!

RAYMOND (Picking up receiver) Marbles’ residence.

Cookie is in her mother’s Early American kitchen. During the entire phone conversation the camera jumps back and forth between Cookie’s kitchen and the Marbles’ bedroom.

COOKIE Mr. Marble, this is Cookie.… No.… No.… I’m all right. I’m back at my mother’s. I was afraid to come directly there, I thought maybe they’d be following me. Look, I have to have my money immediately.

RAYMOND Of course you’ll get your stool-pigeon money. Why on earth are you so suspicious?

COOKIE Naturally, I’m going to question you about the money. You have no idea of what I went through today, and you DID call yourself the “filthiest people alive.” What kind of credit rating is that?

RAYMOND We need that information immediately so we can prepare our little surprise for that slut! Hold on a minute. (To Connie) She’s afraid we won’t pay her.

CONNIE Let me talk to her. (She grabs phone from Raymond) Cookie, this is MRS. Marble. What’s this nonsense about the money? Of course we will pay you.

COOKIE Look, I’ll tell you everything but you have to meet me right away with the money—all two thousand dollars of it in twenty-dollar bills.

CONNIE We’ll meet you at Harry Little’s Sub-Shop on Twenty-fifth Street. You name the time.

RAYMOND (Grabbing the phone back) All right, now give us the information immediately. How do we even know you were there?

COOKIE Oh, I was there all right, Mr. Marble. Divine is living under the name of Babs Johnson.

RAYMOND Babs Johnson.

CONNIE Babs Johnson?! Oh, what a stupid fucking name! Sounds like a chimpanzee on a tire swing.

RAYMOND She’s living in a trailer in Phoenix, Maryland.

CONNIE (Grabs receiver) Who does she live with? … Her mother? She lives with her mother and her mother sleeps in a playpen!

RAYMOND Like a baby? Oh, God, how heartwarming.

CONNIE … And her son … and her traveling companion.… Birthday? … A party? When?! … Oh, how perfect! That pig will never get away with it. Never! Never! Never! It will be her most embarrassing birthday yet!

COOKIE I should be there in about twenty minutes. You better be there or I’ll tell Crackers everything about you, too!

CONNIE Thank you, Cookie. (She hangs up) At last our plan can begin! Are you ready for phase one, Raymond? Oh God, at last we can show her, at last we can put our plan into effect. I only wish I could see her face, her fat little face, when she realizes that there is indeed someone filthier. She can EAT the cover of Midnite, she can eat all of her publicity in front of her rotten little party guests. Is her present ready?

RAYMOND (He gets a small gift-wrapped package) I’ve had it for months, Connie. All ready. Special delivery. Phase one: the filthiest gesture in the world. Her little surprise package. For over a year now, this has been only a dream, only a prayer, but we have her address now! Oh, Connie, at last the Battle of Filth shall begin.

They both dive for each other’s feet and begin sucking.

CONNIE Oh, I love you, Raymond! I love you more than anything in the whole world. I love you even more than my own filthiness, more than my hair color. Oh God, I love you more than the sound of bones breaking, the sound of the death rattle, even more than my own shit do I love you, Raymond.

RAYMOND And I, Connie, also love you more than anything I could imagine—more than my hair color, more than the sounds of babies crying, dogs dying, even more than the thought of original sin itself. I am yours, Connie, eternally united to you through an invisible cord of finely woven filth that even God Himself could never ever break.

Connie and Raymond are seen entering a local branch of the post office.

Interior post office. Quick shot of Nixon’s portrait. They take package wrapped in brown paper to mailing window. A post office employee stamps the package “Special Delivery” and we see it is addressed to “Babs Johnson, a trailer, Phoenix, Maryland.” The return address is “The Filthiest People Alive.”

Exterior of trailer. Babs is frying the steaks she shoplifted on a grill on the front lawn. She hums show tunes and wears tight black slacks and a fake leopard halter top.

Interior of trailer. Edie is in her playpen still dressed in girdle and bra. Babs enters with the steaks.

BABS (Looking toward Cotton’s bedroom) Cotton! Dinner’s on! (She rings a cowbell and yells out the window) Crackers, dinner’s ready!

Shot of Crackers, lying nude on his bed, surrounded by chicken corpses.

Back inside trailer. Babs is seated next to Edie’s playpen.

BABS Well, you’re looking pretty chipper, Mama. How was that Eggman today?

EDIE Oh, Babs, he’s gonna come to the party as my date, and Cotton bought me so many eggs today. Look at these! (She holds up bowl of eggs) So many little eggies and I’m still starvee and I’m gonna eat them all before I go to sleepee. (Laughs)

Enter Cotton in full skirt, black jeweled leotard top, and cowboy boots.

COTTON Mmmm—smells delicious, Babs.

BABS (Serving steak) Thank you, Cotton. It should, I warmed it up when I was downtown today in my own little oven.

EDIE Babs, where do eggs come from?

BABS From little chickens, Mama. They lay them and we eat them.

EDIE But suppose someday there weren’t any chickens. Would that mean there wouldn’t be any eggs?

BABS I don’t think you have to worry about that, Mama.

EDIE But … but it is true, Babs? If there weren’t any chickens, there wouldn’t be any eggs? Is that true?

BABS I suppose so, Mama, but there will always be chickens. You can be sure of that.

EDIE But suppose someday it happens. Suppose someday there weren’t any chickens. Oh, Babs, what could I possibly do? Then the Eggman wouldn’t have a job … what could I possibly do?

BABS Now, Mama, that’s just egg paranoia. I think you’re being very silly. There will always be chickens. Why, there are so many chickens now that we can eat some and let some live in order to supply us with eggs. Chickens are plentiful, Mama. The world will never be without chickens, you can be sure of that.

Crackers enters.

CRACKERS Afternoon, Ma.

BABS Hi, honey.

A cloddish mailman wanders onto the trailer lawn, puzzled as to how to deliver his package. He hesitates, then walks to front door and knocks.

Everyone in the trailer jumps up in a panic.

BABS WHO could that be?!

CRACKERS (Pulls out his knife) I’ll be right behind you, Ma. Answer it, it might be nothing.

COTTON (Peeking out window) It’s a fucking mailman!

CRACKERS A mailman? What kind of shit is that? There ain’t no address here.

BABS I’ll take care of it.… Mother, shut up. Crackers, cover me. Cotton, take that gun. You know how to use it if you have to; right between the eyes.

Cotton takes pistol out of drawer.

Outside of trailer. Mailman begins to knock again when Babs shoves open the front door.

BABS (Impatiently) Yes!?

MAILMAN Miss Babs Johnson?

BABS Yes, I’m Babs Johnson.

MAILMAN Special delivery package, ma’am. Sign here, please.

BABS What do you mean, special delivery package? There’s no address here.

MAILMAN Says right here—“Babs Johnson, a trailer, Phoenix, Maryland,” and you are Babs Johnson, aren’t you?

BABS Of course I’m Babs Johnson! I just told you that! But there is no address here. This is not on any road, route, or street and I don’t want people on my property. So don’t ever bring mail here again! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?! (Grabs him by shirt collar) And the next package you bring me is getting shoved right up your little ass! Can you understand that? (Shoves him away) Now, you have exactly fifteen seconds to get off my property, motherfucker, before I break your goddamn neck. (Mailman starts running) ONE, ONE THOUSAND! TWO, ONE THOUSAND! THREE, ONE THOUSAND! RUN, YOU BASTARD, RUN.

Interior of trailer. Babs enters carrying package. Cotton and Crackers huddle around her excitedly.

COTTON Good work, Babs, he ran just like a jackrabbit.

CRACKERS That was a postman, Ma, I’m sure of that. At least it wasn’t no porker. I thought for sure it was the cops.

BABS (Furious) Who could have sent me this package? Who would dare?! (She begins to open it) The return address is “The Filthiest People Alive.” Who would dare use that title?

COTTON It’s wrapped all fancy, it’s just a birthday present, Babs.

BABS It’s no birthday present, Cotton. I smell deep dark trouble.

She opens the package and recoils in horror; inside is a human turd.

BABS OH MY GOD ALMIGHTY, SOMEONE HAS SENT ME A BOWEL MOVEMENT!

COTTON (Holding her nose) Oh, Babs!

CRACKERS A turd, Mama, a turd!

COTTON Who could have sent this?

EDIE AHHHH. A turd! Oh, Babs, a turd!

BABS (In a rage) This is a direct attack on my Divinity! A direct attack on the peace and harmony of our last few weeks here! An outrageous attempt to humiliate and disgrace my private life! Someone will pay for this; someone will pay with their life for this grossly offensive act!

CRACKERS Mama, nobody sends you a turd and expects to live, NOBODY!

COTTON Look, here’s a card.

BABS Read it, Cotton.

COTTON It’s a birthday card, a fucking birthday card.

BABS What does it say?!

COTTON Oh, God, Babs. (She holds it up) “Happy Birthday, Fatso.”

BABS Aaaaaahhhh!

COTTON “You are no longer the filthiest person alive, we are,” and it’s signed “The Filthiest People Alive.”

BABS Just as I thought, a deliberate attempt to seize my title!

EDIE The Eggman didn’t do it, Babs, I know he didn’t do it.

BABS (Exasperated) Oh, I don’t think he did either, Mother. Just shut up and let me think.

COTTON That Cookie was asking questions, Crackers, I heard her.

CRACKERS She’s right, Mama. But why would she send us a turd?

BABS Who knows? These are obviously jealous people; jealous of our careers, of our press. Why else would they sign it “The Filthiest People Alive”? Everyone knows that title has become my trademark. Why, to use it in this way is only to insinuate that they are filthier than I. How could anyone seriously believe that? How could anyone be filthier than Divine? I’m afraid our little vacation must come to an end. This must be nipped in the bud, it’s already out of hand. We must outfilth the asshole or assholes who sent this and then THEY MUST DIE!

As we again hear the Narrator’s voice, a quick shot of the Marbles’ house flashes on screen.

NARRATOR Connie and Raymond Marble, while you are away, the servants will play!

Shot of Channing sitting at Connie Marble’s desk, talking to his reflection in a mirror. He has made himself up in a grotesque parody of Connie, wearing her blue suit and similar makeup, with red poster paint sloppily applied to his hair. He seems to be in a trance and talks with a ridiculous feminine voice.

CHANNING (Mimicking Connie’s earlier scene) Well, Miss Sandstone, after looking over your qualifications, we’ve decided you’re not exactly what we had in mind.…

Raymond and Connie enter downstairs.

CONNIE Where’s Channing to help me take off my coat?

RAYMOND You must remember that Channing is not as intelligent as you or I. (He hears Channing upstairs talking to himself) Who on earth is that?

CONNIE (Listening) It sounds like Channing!

They sneak upstairs and hide outside Connie’s office, listening to Channing impersonate them. They become more and more enraged as his words are heard.

CHANNING (With exaggerated seriousness) I love you, Raymond. I love you more than anything in this world. I love you more than my own hair color, more than the sound of bones breaking, more than the sound of the death rattle.… (He suddenly changes his voice to a masculine tone and puts a blue mop on his head in obvious imitation of Raymond Marble) And I too love you, Connie, more than anything I could ever imagine, more than my hair color, or babies screaming or dogs dying.…

Connie and Raymond rush into office. Channing cringes in fear.

CONNIE WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING!?

RAYMOND What is the meaning of this outrage?

CONNIE Let me at him! I’ve been waiting to do this for a lifetime! (She slaps him across the face)

CHANNING No, Connie, no!

RAYMOND How do you dare to be dressed as you are? How do you dare say the things we heard you say?

CHANNING No, please, listen! I didn’t mean any harm.

CONNIE (Twisting his ear) You little asshole, you better start explaining! How dare you go into my personal clothes closet and get my suit? And that’s my makeup you have on, isn’t it? You sneaky little drag queen! You’ve been spying on us, haven’t you? Huh? Haven’t you, aerial ears!?

RAYMOND Mimicking my wife’s hard work and her beautiful appearance! And having the gall to repeat words that Connie and I spoke confidentially. Words that are guarded by the holy seal of matrimony!

CHANNING I can’t help it. I was just playing!

CONNIE PLAYING? Is that what you’d call it, Channing? Or should I start calling you Connie now? Is that what you’d like?! (She slaps him again)

CHANNING (Crying) Stop hitting me. I didn’t do anything to you. I was just here by myself and I start feeling funny when I’m alone. Those girls are down there, don’t forget. I can’t stand being in the same house with them. I can hear them screaming and crying, and then I get all nervous—then I get these spells. I don’t plan it, it just happens, and then, well, I think about my position, my social standing, just like you two do, and I just play. I make believe that I am you. I know it isn’t reality, I know I’m really me. Haven’t I been a faithful servant for two years now? Haven’t I given you my all in this job?

CONNIE Oh, you’ve been faithful all right! Faithful in your stupidity, faithful in your laziness, faithful in your incompetent lame-brain attitude. And now this shockingly flagrant breach of contract! We can no longer employ you here at 3900, Channing, that is obvious. There will be a complete inspection of all your bags, so do not attempt to take anything with you. I will also take a complete inventory of all my belongings from makeup … (Pulls up his skirt) … OH GOD, right on down to panties! And of course have everything sent to the cleaners immediately; God knows what you could have gotten on my clothes. Now, go to your room and STAY THERE until we summon you.

CHANNING Oh please change your minds. I was only playing … I won’t …

RAYMOND Stop that yammering and move! And don’t try anything funny or you’ll be right down there with Suzie and Linda. How would you like that? Had we known, we would have given you a maid’s uniform instead of a butler’s!

As Channing awkwardly flees the room in Connie’s ill-fitting heels, the Marbles break into a shrill, mocking laughter.

Channing clomps down the steps, through the living room and dining room to the closet that he calls his “room.” He cries the whole way.

CHANNING (Mumbling to himself) Just playing … just playing … I know I’m not you, Connie … it was just playing. (He takes off Connie’s suit and stands in bra and panties) I wasn’t really spying … it was just playing … oh, what will they do to me? Oh, please let them make me stay. Oh, God have mercy on me.

RAYMOND (Jumping from behind door to scare him) NOW WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

CHANNING Nothing, Raymond, oh God, nothing! I wasn’t saying anything.

RAYMOND Connie and I have to go out for a while and we want to make sure that you stay in your room so we’re going to lock you in.

CHANNING Lock me in? I won’t go anywhere, please!

RAYMOND (Shuts door and begins locking it) You shouldn’t mind staying in here, Channing. It’s rather obvious that you are, to use vulgar slang, a closet queen.

CHANNING (Muffled) Please! Don’t lock me in! I’ll just stay here and be me while you’re gone; I won’t even think about being you.

Long shot of the trailer. The Narrator’s nagging voice is heard again.

NARRATOR With the shock of the obscene parcel still fresh in their minds, the trailer residents bravely go ahead with their birthday celebration and the Eggman lets his true feelings be known to Edie. Oh happy day! Edie has accepted the Eggman’s offer of marriage.

EDIE PRIMPS OFF-CAMERA

Close-up of Edie and the Eggman kissing. They gaze into each other’s eyes like lovebirds.

EDIE You mean you’ll bring me fifty eggs a day? And I can come and visit Babs, and Cotton, and Crackers? And you’ll buy me a new girdle and bra and pretty underthings?

EGGMAN Yes, Edie. Yes, yes, yes. I’ll make you the happiest egg lady ever. Don’t you worry. I love you. I love you more than anything in this whole world and right after the party you and I are gonna take our first little trip together. I’m going to take you to the largest poultry factory on the East Coast and then you can eat and eat and eat all the eggs you’d ever want.

EDIE A hundred eggs a day? You mean I could eat a hundred?

EGGMAN A thousand if you want ’em!

EDIE I do love you, Mr. Eggman. Even though I do love my little eggies just a little bit better, I do love you more than any MAN I have ever known.

EGGMAN And I, Edie, love you more than any woman I ever laid eyes on and if you love me just half as much as you love them eggs, then our marriage is just as good as sealed in heaven. (They kiss again)

Cut to close-up of birthday cake. “Happy Birthday Babs—The Filthiest Person Alive” is spelled out in icing.

Babs, Crackers, and Cotton stand in receiving line as the guests arrive. Babs wears a white fishtailed evening gown, Cotton wears a white velvet coat, and Crackers has donned a rumpled tie and coat. The guests are a motley collection of hippies, hillbillies, and assorted lunatics.

The guests are seen stuffing their mouths with refreshments, guzzling liquor, and smoking grass.

Connie and Raymond’s limousine approaches the trailer.

They get out of car looking very grim and sneak up into the woods to spy on the party.

Babs is seen opening her birthday gifts. She happily unwraps a box of “A-200” crab lice medicine. Cotton gives her a pig’s head, Crackers gives her a huge meat cleaver, and one of the guests gives her a box of amyl nitrate. She cracks one open, puts it to her nose, and breaks into a drug-induced fit of laughter.

DIVINE AND COTTON AT THE BIRTHDAY PARTY

DIVINE OPENS A PRACTICAL GIFT

EDIE CHOWS DOWN

RAYMOND AND CONNIE MARBLE (DAVID LOCHARY AND MINK STOLE) WATCH IN DISGUST

Edie is seen in her party dress still sitting in the playpen. She gorges herself on hard-boiled eggs while babbling to the guests.

A jug band is playing while a snake charmer dances with a boa constrictor.

The guests applaud the entertainment.

A young man walks onto the entertainer’s platform nude except for a posing strap. He contorts his body to the enthusiastic cheering of the guests.

He takes off his scanty costume, lies on his back, and throws his legs over his head.

Close-up of his asshole opening and closing in such a way it appears to be singing.

Connie and Raymond look appalled as they continue spying from a nearby clump of bushes.

The guests go wild over the boy with the singing sphincter muscle.

Connie and Raymond can stand no more. They run back to their car and drive away.

A phone booth alongside a country road. Connie and Raymond are both in the booth.

RAYMOND Hello? … Operator, give me the police department, please … country headquarters.

CONNIE Phase three, Raymond. Phase three!

RAYMOND Hello? … Operator, give me the police department, please … county headquarters.

CONNIE Phase three, Raymond. Phase three!

RAYMOND Hello? … I’d like to report a lewd and disorderly party.… No, I’m a neighbor and it’s making me sick. The sight of such perverts guzzling wine and taking dope right out in the open …

CONNIE Tell them where it is.

RAYMOND It’s on Philpot Road … first driveway on the left … walk up into the woods and it’s taking place in a trailer … yes, I believe a woman does live there … if you could call her a woman; she is a whore, officer.… Yes, well, when I see these things I feel it’s my duty to report them.…

Two uniformed policemen and two plainclothesmen approach the trailer. They communicate with walkie-talkies. The party is still going strong.

Crackers spots one of the cops and runs to the party to alert the drunken guests.

The guests rush to hide. Some enter the trailer; some hide behind it and some on top of it.

The cops stand on front lawn, stupidly gawking at what appears to be an abandoned trailer.

All at once the guests charge and attack the startled policemen with clubs, knives, and guns.

A young red-haired woman in Nazi outfit shoots one of the cops.

A free-for-all follows. The cops are clubbed unconscious.

The party guests begin to hack and rip apart the policemen’s bodies.

Babs rips off the cop’s arm and begins eating it. The guests follow her example and soon all the guests are cannibalizing the cops. Blood and guts spill out to the delight of the crazed partygoers.

Quick shots of guests stuffing entrails, livers, etc., into their mouths.

The guests begin to leave, thanking Babs, Crackers, and Cotton for the good time.

We see Edie being lifted into a wheelbarrow. Tin cans and a “Just Engaged” sign decorate the wheelbarrow. The Eggman struggles to lift it and eventually pushes her away. Edie waves good-bye to Babs, Crackers, and Cotton, who seem to be quite moved at seeing Mama Edie leaving them for her honeymoon.

Long shot of a beautiful park. The Marbles’ limousine slowly cruises by as we hear the Narrator.

NARRATOR Even with the hectic events of the day, Raymond Marble still finds time to satisfy his perverted urges. Watch, as he not only commits another act of indecent exposure, but adds to this social horror by making his wife wait in the car! Is there no shame?!

THE HONEYMOON BEGINS …

… ON A CHILLY WINTER DAY

Shot of beautiful young woman sitting in park applying makeup.

Raymond Marble sneaks up and flashes his penis at her. A turkey neck is tied to the end of it.

The young woman laughs, opens the top of her dress, and fondles her large breasts at him.

Shocked, Raymond shakes his penis and turkey neck at her more violently.

Still undaunted, the young woman pulls up her dress to reveal “her” penis and begins shaking it back at Raymond.

The sight of the woman with beautiful breasts and a penis is too much for Raymond. He looks completely horrified and runs back to his car as the young woman laughs at him.

Interior of Marbles’ living room.

NARRATOR This is not the only shock you have before you, Raymond Marble, because at this exact moment Divine has learned of your jealous scheme from the local town gossip. She also has your address, ASSHOLE!

Babs and Crackers break in the front door. Babs is carrying a gun and looks eager to use it. She wears a skintight royal blue jumpsuit and spike heels.

BABS Connie! Raymond!

CRACKERS They’re probably hiding their asses.

BABS It would be a prudent move on their part if they were, but I could smell ’em if they were here. Come on, let’s go upstairs. (They creep up steps) CONNIE, YOU HAVE COMPANY!

CRACKERS We got something here for you.

They enter bedroom and sit on the bed.

CRACKERS Echhh! Their bedroom! Their fuck chamber itself!

BABS This is where they mate, Crackers. Right here on this very bed! This is why they touch their uninspired little organs together, vainly trying to recharge their worn-out battery of filthiness, thrashing and moaning in the still of the night. (She begins licking everything in the room)

CRACKERS (Also beginning to lick objects) What kind of shit turns them on, Mama? What do they do in here?

BABS Oh, all sorts of disgusting positions I would imagine, Crackers. Connie probably takes Raymond’s little peanut of a cock between her brittle chapped lips and then scrapes her ugly decayed teeth up and down on it while asshole Raymond thinks he’s getting the best head on the East Coast. Then they probably sit here and stare at each other’s blue and red hair while they goose each other and say dirty words. (She continues to lick the furniture) Get everything real good, honey!

Babs and Crackers descend the steps to living room, licking and sucking the banister the whole way.

They enter living room, moaning with passion and continuing their plan to suck the whole house.

BABS Oh, Crackers, get this couch real good! (They both sit on couch and lick it) They probably sit here and say all sorts of banal things to each other. Why, they may have even decided to send us that turd on this very sofa.

CRACKERS (Licking and drooling) I’m getting it all, Mama, don’t you worry! They think they’re filthier. We’ll just see what the furniture thinks, right, Ma? Am I right?

BABS Yes, Crackers! Don’t miss anything!

CRACKERS Should I shit on the floor, Mama? Right here in the living room?

BABS No, not yet. Just get your saliva glands going. (Spittle pours out of Babs’ mouth) JUICY!

CRACKERS Is it enough? Shouldn’t we do something a little filthier, a little heavier?

BABS (Jumping up) We still have other rooms to go! THE DINING ROOM!

They rush into dining room and frantically begin to lick the table, plates, and silverware.

BABS This is where they eat, Crackers. This is where they shove dirty little pieces of bacteria down their weaselly little throats. This is where they spread germs, disease, and infection—gobbling obscene fruits and vegetables all in the name of health. How disgusting! Get this table soaking wet!

CRACKERS Oh, Mama, Mama, this is going to work. Our Divinity will show through all the bullshit crammed into this little dwelling. The house WILL react, Mama.

BABS Oh, Crackers, my little baby, Crackers. No house could stand the two of our venoms, our saliva. It will work! Oh, my only son, Crackers!

They move to couch in dining room.

CRACKERS Mama! Mama! I just thank God above I was lucky enough to be the soul that was placed in my body; the body of Divine’s son! The body and blood of another generation of Divinity. (He starts rubbing his crotch)

BABS My only baby, Crackers! My own flesh and blood, my own heritage, my own genes. Let Mama receive you like Communion. Let Mama make a gift to you, a gift so special it will curse this house years after we’re gone. Oh, Crackers, a gift of supreme mothergood, a gift of DIVINITY! (She falls to the floor)

CRACKERS (Rubbing his crotch and moaning) I want to accept your gift, accept it as a loving son should—a son that would kill for you, steal for you, even die for you, Mama. Oh yes, I accept your gift (Unzips his pants), accept it as a loving son should. I’m yours, completely yours!

BABS Crackers, prepare to receive the most divine gift a mother can give. (She begins to blow him)

CRACKERS Oh MAMA! This will clinch it! This will ruin this house forever! That’s it, that’s it! Do my balls, Mama! That’s it! Ahhhhh! Further down! Oh, Mama, you’re the best, the best ever. I should have known you’d be better than anyone!

Offscreen we hear the muffled cries of Channing.

Babs jumps up in a panic, leaving Crackers on the couch still sexually aroused.

BABS Crackers, somebody else is in here!

CRACKERS But, Mama, Mama. God damn it!

BABS Get your gun!

CRACKERS (Struggling with his pants) God damn it!

Interior of trailer. Connie and Raymond are carrying a red gas can and begin pouring the gas over the furniture.

RAYMOND This place ought to go up like a tinderbox. Spread it everywhere.

RAYMOND TORCHES THE TRAILER

CONNIE God, I love the smell of gasoline, Raymond. We ARE the filthiest people alive!

RAYMOND As we always have been, Connie. Revenge, oh sweet revenge. Wonder how that fat cow likes prison?

CONNIE Probably couldn’t fit the son in a cell with anyone else. I wonder how her party guests like her now. I wonder if she had a happy birthday.

RAYMOND Let’s hurry and get out of here. You know how fire makes me nervous.

CONNIE Nonsense, Raymond. Fire is beautiful; licking and scorching everything it touches. (Pointing to kitchen counter) Get some more on here. Get their bedrooms!

Babs and Crackers stand outside Channing’s closet after discovering him.

CRACKERS Who else is in this house? Where’s everyone else hiding?

CHANNING (Shaking with fear) Just the girls. Please don’t hurt me, I won’t call the police.

BABS You’re goddamn right you won’t! Now, where are Connie and Raymond Marble?

CHANNING They went out, I swear. Just the girls are here—the girls in the cellar.

CRACKERS What girls?!

CHANNING The girls they keep locked up. Please let me go. You can do anything you like but please just let me out of this house.

BABS When will the Marbles be back? TELL US! (Slaps Channing)

CHANNING (Crying) I don’t know. They locked me in here this morning after they fired me. Just let me out of this house.

BABS (Grabbing Channing by the arm) Come on, we’ll go see about these girls you keep talking about.

Channing, Crackers, and Babs enter the Marbles’ torture pit. Suzie and Linda jump up in confusion.

SUZIE (Startled) Oh, please help us! What is this? Please … please …

LINDA Call the police! Contact my parents! Please … take them this note, the address is on the back.

BABS Where are Connie and Raymond Marble?

CRACKERS What is this shit?

LINDA How would I know? I’ve been locked up here. I never saw them except for the day they kidnapped me. We never see them—only Channing.

SUZIE Please help us to escape. (To Babs, falling to her knees) Oh, Miss Lady or whoever you are, I beg of you to free Linda and I from here. Please! So I can have an abortion before it’s too late…

LINDA If you free us, we will do anything.

BABS The Marbles locked you down here?

SUZIE Yes, I’ve been here for months. Endless horror-filled months in this damp pit, chained like a starving animal, only hoping that I would be killed rather than continue living like this.

CRACKERS You never see the Marbles? Never?

LINDA No! Only Channing, this repulsive pervert you have tied up. Please, he raped us both so we would become pregnant.

SUZIE The Marbles just sit up there waiting for us to die in childbirth. Then they sell the poor babies; it’s been a nightmare! If you don’t free us, we will die and rot in this pit. They have no mercy.

THE PIT

BABS Free them, Crackers.

LINDA Channing’s got the key in his pocket!

CHANNING Let me go! I didn’t do anything!

BABS Shut up, filthy bastard.

SUZIE Don’t let him go, Miss Lady. He has beaten me many times and caused me untold misery.

LINDA He’s one of them. He works for the Marbles.

CHANNING I was only doing my job. I have no malice towards either of you.

CRACKERS (Unchaining Linda) There you go, honey.

LINDA Thank you. Oh, God, I can go home again.

CRACKERS (Freeing Suzie) There you go, missy, free as a bird.

SUZIE Oh, thank you, so very much. Could we chain him? (Looks over at Channing)

BABS Do whatever you like. You can even kill him if you want. Either you do it or we will.

LINDA & SUZIE Let us! Let us!

SUZIE (Picks up knife and approaches Channing) Well, Channing, the tables turn, don’t they?

CHANNING Please, Suzie! I couldn’t free you. Have mercy on me!

SUZIE You kept us locked up like slaves, bastard, and you’re going to pay for it. I’m gonna cut that big fat worm right off you.

CHANNING No! Oh God, NO! NOT THAT!

Tight close-up of Babs and Crackers climbing up ladder out of pit. They have a twisted smile on their faces as we hear offscreen Linda and Suzie’s revenge.

SUZIE Want to jerk off one more time, stud?

LINDA HOLD HIM!

CHANNING NO!

REVENGE IS SWEET

LINDA THERE, I’VE GOT IT! CUT IT!

CHANNING AHHHHHH …

A look of contentment and joy comes over Babs’ and Crackers’ faces as they exit the pit.

Raymond and Connie stand outside the trailer. Connie holds a gasoline-soaked torch.

RAYMOND Light it, my darling.

CONNIE We ARE the filthiest people alive! (She lights the torch) Fire, fire, burn it down, fire, fire, to the ground! (She turns the torch into living room of trailer and the fire quickly spreads) Burn, you fucker! Burn!

RAYMOND Someone will see the smoke. Hurry! It’s done! The Battle of Filth has been won!

CONNIE (Laughing insanely as they run away) WE ARE THE FILTHIEST PEOPLE ALIVE!

Fire quickly spreads throughout the trailer. Smoke pours from the windows.

Rear view of the trailer. Blazing furniture is seen as the back porch crumbles in flames.

Close-up of melted plastic pink flamingos on front lawn.

Long shot of the entire trailer burning out of control.

Babs, Crackers, and Cotton stroll up the path through the woods to the trailer.

BABS Goddamn Marbles!

CRACKERS We’ll take care of them.

COTTON We’ll get those assholes later.

CRACKERS (Suddenly) Mama! Look, there’s smoke! (They all begin to run)

BABS Oh, my God!

COTTON The trailer!

They rush to rear of burning trailer but the heat keeps them from approaching too closely. They fall to the ground sobbing.

BABS My gorgeous hideaway! Oh NO, NO, NO!

COTTON All our gorgeous antiques! Our priceless theatrical wardrobe!

CRACKERS THEY did it, them fucking Marbles did it!

BABS (Dragging Cotton and Crackers away) BACK! BACK! THE MARBLES! BACK TO THE MARBLES AND SEIZE THOSE FUCKERS! I’LL KILL ’EM!!!

The flames begin to die down and nothing is left but a shell of their home.

A gust of wind hits what is left of the trailer and it collapses in a pile of burning rubble.

Connie and Raymond, out of breath, excited, enter their living room.

CONNIE At last it is over, Raymond. The Battle of Filth has been won. This calls for a celebration.

RAYMOND A victory celebration.

CONNIE Oh, Jesus God, I love you, Raymond. Are you happy with our filthiness, my darling? Are you glad your wife is here beside you sharing with you this bond of filth?

RAYMOND This has been the most important day of my life. Filthiness is a reality. After all these years of nagging uncertainty, I know that we are indeed the filthiest couple alive. (They kiss passionately)

CONNIE (Crossing room to lie on couch with outstretched arms) Come to me, my darling. Come receive what was promised you in the holy vows of matrimony. I am yours, Raymond, all yours, my beautiful darling.

The three cushions of the couch fly up like a jack-in-the-box, throwing Connie to the floor.

CONNIE Ahhhhh!

RAYMOND(Rushing to help her) Connie, are you all right?

CONNIE (Terrified) What happened, Raymond?

RAYMOND The couch … it … it rejected you.

CONNIE Something’s wrong, Raymond. Something’s terribly wrong.

RAYMOND It’s just out of order, you’re all right—get up.

CONNIE I’m afraid to, honey. How can a couch be out of order?

RAYMOND Something just went wrong. (He sits in chair) See, this chair is okay.

CONNIE But that couch threw me! Nothing can be wrong with that couch, we just got it!

RAYMOND It’s okay.… (Suddenly the seat of his chair flings him out of it and onto the floor) Ahhhh!

CONNIE Raymond!

RAYMOND I’m all right, I’m not hurt.

CONNIE Something is the matter with this house! Channing must have done something.

RAYMOND We’ll beat it out of him!

They get up and run through dining room as the dining room table flips itself over with a horrible crash.

The Marbles scream and run in horror.

They run into kitchen and discover Channing’s open closet door.

RAYMOND He’s gone! Channing has escaped.

CONNIE Raymond, check the pit! He may have let the girls go!

They run down steps to the torture pit.

CONNIE Oh, my God, the police!

Quick shot of Channing’s body. He is dead and has been castrated. His crotch is covered in blood.

Connie and Raymond rush to pit and recoil in shock at the sight.

CONNIE He’s been castrated! HIS PENIS IS GONE!

RAYMOND The girls have escaped. They’ll call the police! (They run back up steps)

CHANNING’S (CHANNING WILROY) JUST DESERTS

CONNIE Raymond, I’m afraid.

Quick shot of the living room furniture with its cushions flipping up and down, ridiculously defying its owners to sit on them.

The living room. Babs, Crackers, and Cotton wait by the door in ambush. They are holding guns, knives, and rope.

Connie and Raymond rush in, trying to escape their cursed house, and are seized by Babs and her companions.

BABS CONNIE AND RAYMOND MARBLE!

CRACKERS (To Connie) You’re gonna get it good, bitch.

Crackers holds Connie at knife point and Cotton points a gun at Raymond.

BABS Well, well, well, Connie and Raymond Marble! I’ve been looking forward to meeting you. It’s a real pleasure. You’re even bigger assholes than I had imagined. YOU BURNED MY HOUSE DOWN!

CONNIE No, please, who are you? We don’t know you.

BABS (Smacks her) You know who I am, bitch. I’m the filthiest person alive, that’s who I am.

RAYMOND You must be mistaken, our name is Waldo—Harry and Jean Waldo.

BABS (In a rage) SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! (To Crackers and Cotton) Gag ’em before I kill ’em.

CRACKERS Wait for the newsmen, Ma.

COTTON (Gagging Raymond) That ought to shut him up. Hey, Raymond, you must think we’re awful fucking stupid, huh? (Starts viciously kicking him) Here’s a little something for you!

CONNIE Who are you! You have the wrong people!

BABS Shut up, Connie, SHUT UP! You know who we are. Cut the hogwash, save it for the papers. You’re Connie Marble and you’re gonna pay for being Connie Marble! (Tapes her mouth) And you’re gonna pay royally, bitch. Let this be a lesson to you just in case there is reincarnation: it’s virtually impossible to be filthier than Divine! I didn’t get my reputation for nothing, you know. But you found out too late, Connie, yes too late, because you and shithead here ain’t gonna be around for tomorrow. ’Cause you’re gonna be dead, Connie, YES DEAD!

COTTON (Tying up Raymond) That’s tight, Crackers. It’s so tight it makes their blood hurt.

BABS Just make sure they don’t make another sound, because I don’t think I’ll be able to control myself if they make any more noise! I would just have to kill them right now, I wouldn’t be able to wait!

COTTON I know what you mean, Babs! I feel like ripping them apart myself.

BABS (Dragging the Marbles across the room) Come on, children. We can’t keep the photographers waiting. We’re going to give them a story that will knock the news day right off its fucking boring little ass. (Pushing the Marbles out the front door) Come on, Connie and Raymond, you have a personal appearance to make.

Babs, Crackers, and Cotton exit Crackers’ shed with Connie and Raymond Marble, who are still tied and gagged. The trailer lies in ruin in front of them. Babs wears a bright red fishtail evening gown. A podium has been set up for the following press conference.

Enter Ron Vespo, a reporter. He carries a tape recorder.

RON VESPO (Talking into microphone) Ron Vespo of Midnite here, looking for Divine somewhere in Phoenix, Maryland. (He sees her) Divine, you’re looking fantastic!

BABS Well, thank you, Mr. Vespo. I’m so glad you could come.

READY FOR THE PRESS IN A GROUP PRODUCTION STILL (THAT’S ME, SECOND FROM RIGHT)

Enter another reporter, Mat Hinlin.

MAT HINLIN Mat Hinlin here from The Tattler.

BABS Good afternoon, Mr. Hinlin. Gentlemen, get ready. You are about to witness the trial of these two unfortunates commonly known as Connie and Raymond Marble. Their trial will take place in front of your very eyes and their execution will follow.

MAT HINLIN (Incredulously) We’re going to witness an actual murder?

RON VESPO A live homicide?

BABS That is right, gentlemen.

A third reporter approaches.

MOREY ROBERTS Roberts. Morey Roberts. Very tempting. And I have a question for you, Miss … Cotton? Is that correct, “Cotton”?

COTTON Yes, it is.

MOREY ROBERTS Are you a willing accomplice to these murders that are about to take place?

COTTON This is not exactly a murder, Mr. Roberts. This is a court, a kangaroo court, as the headlines could scream. Not a mere murder. If we were involved in merely another murder, it could hardly be headlines.

CRACKERS It’s not just the publicity. My mama couldn’t go on with her everyday life with this shit going on. She was not the aggressor in this little war we had; it was suicide on their part.

COTTON AND CRACKERS: WITNESSES FOR THE PROSECUTION

MAT HINLIN And Cotton … I notice a smile on your lips. Does murder make you happy?

COTTON Murder merely relieves tension, Mr. Hinlin. For murder to bring happiness, one must already be happy and I am—completely at peace with myself, totally happy.

BABS Give me more questions!

MAT HINLIN Divine, are you a lesbian?

BABS Yes. I have done everything.

RON VESPO Does blood turn you on?

BABS It does more than turn me on, Mr. Vespo, it makes me come. And more than the sight of it, I love the taste of it, the taste of hot freshly killed blood.

MOREY ROBERTS Could you give us some of your political beliefs?

BABS Kill everyone now! Condone first-degree murder! Advocate cannibalism! Eat shit! Filth is my politics, filth is my life! (Posing wildly) Take whatever you like! (She puts hands on crotch and mugs hideously to the cameramen) How’s this for a center spread?

RON VESPO (Snaps photo) Christ almighty. Okay, Divine, where will you go now? I’m sure you’re aware that after the execution you will be the subject of an extensive search.

BABS To another city to set up headquarters once again. Of course I cannot reveal to you the exact location. Patience, Mr. Vespo, patience. Another time, another story. AND NOW FOR THE TRIAL!!

The newsmen sit on the ground and Connie and Raymond are pushed over next to the podium. Babs steps behind the podium to address the press.

COTTON (To press) You sit here. Sit down. No pictures during the trial, please. This is a court of law.

BABS I call to the stand Miss Cotton. (Cotton approaches podium) Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

A CENTERFOLD?

COTTON I do.

BABS Who burned down our trailer?

COTTON Connie and Raymond Marble.

BABS Can you point them out in this court?

COTTON There they are right there, the ones that are tied up.

Connie and Raymond shake their heads negatively and their muffled cries can be heard through their gags.

BABS Who sent me a turd in the mail?

COTTON Connie and Raymond Marble.

BABS That is all. (Looking at the Marbles) Is there any cross-examination? (The Marbles try to get free of their restraints, moaning and shaking their heads affirmatively) No cross-examination? Very well. (To Cotton) You may step down. I call to the stand Crackers. (He approaches podium) Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

CRACKERS Sure, Mama. I wouldn’t shit you.

BABS How did Connie and Raymond find out where we lived?

CRACKERS They hired a spy.

BABS How did this spy get the information?

CRACKERS By nosing around and by fucking me, that’s how she got it. That dirty little scag.

BABS Thank you. (To the Marbles) Is there any cross-examination? (Once again they struggle and whimper but are ignored) No? A very strange defense, I must say. (To press) Gentlemen, the verdict is guilty on all ten counts of first-degree stupidity. The penalty phase will now begin. I call Cotton to the stand. (Cotton returns to the podium) Your oath still remains. I presume you understand this?

COTTON Naturally.

BABS In your opinion, what should the penalty in this case be?

COTTON Death.

BABS That is all, you may step down. (She does) I call Crackers to the stand. (He enters) You realize you are still under oath?

CRACKERS Of course.

BABS In your opinion, should these people be allowed to live?

CRACKERS No.

BABS Thank you. (Crackers steps down) (To press) Gentlemen of the press, the verdict is death. But first, due to the magnitude of these capital crimes, these two people must be humiliated in front of the media. Use these pictures, gentlemen, and use them wisely. We have an example to set. Let the good people of this country know that they cannot fuck with Divine and get away with it. Let them know that we are indeed the filthiest couple alive! (The press begins raising their hands wildly to question her) Mr. Vespo?

RON VESPO Yes, Divine, do you think there are other filthy people in the world? Is it now a cult?

BABS It is a very minor cult right now but one that is growing and growing. I will be queen one day and my coronation will be celebrated all over the world! Do not forget, I AM DIVINE!

COTTON What a day for an execution!

CRACKERS Off the record, Mama, do we shoot ’em or stab ’em?

BABS Shoot, Crackers, shoot. No mess for Midnite.

MAT HINLIN Don’t forget The Tattler.

BABS And The Tattler, honey.

MOREY ROBERTS And Confidential.

BABS How could I ever forget Confidential?

Babs leads the way into the woods. Crackers shoves the Marbles along and Cotton carries a bucket of tar. The press eagerly follows, snapping photos.

BABS Right this way, gentlemen! Come on!

THE FILTHIEST PERSON ALIVE

COTTON Come on, help me with this tar.

CRACKERS Okay, Miss Cotton.

Connie and Raymond are tied to a tree. Crackers smears tar over them with a brush. Cotton holds a bag of feathers. Babs and the newsmen stand nearby.

CRACKERS (Slopping tar on Raymond) Burn my mama’s house down, will you? You goddamn worm, fucking piece of lousy shit!

BABS And now for the feathers! (Cotton and Crackers throw feathers on them) Only we’re not going to run you out of town, we’re going to kill you! Kill, kill, kill. Shoot, shoot, shoot. (To press) Questions and answers!

MAT HINLIN Do you believe in God?

MOVING IN FOR A TIGHT SHOT

BABS I am God.

COTTON (Giggling, pointing to Crackers) You are God.

CRACKERS (Pointing to Cotton) You are God.

MOREY ROBERTS Is there no wrong.

BABS There is right and there is wrong. I have never been wrong, Mr. Roberts.

MAT HINLIN Do you expect to get new followers from this publicity?

BABS I certainly hope so. I didn’t invite you here to jerk off, you know. Get this all down! Don’t miss one single word!

FILMING PINK FLAMINGOS

RON VESPO Suppose we decide not to print this story, what then?

BABS Ha! (Pointing to the Marbles) See them? Does that answer your question? I have your address and I know you have a wife and child, is that correct?

RON VESPO Yes.

BABS Well, if nothing is printed, we might be in the mood for a barbecue. Get what I mean? A human barbecue! END OF QUESTION-AND-ANSWER PERIOD! PROCEED WITH THE EXECUTION! (She aims a pistol) They are finished and a lovely couple they are, aren’t they? Gentlemen of the press, get ready. You are about to witness the biggest news event of the year: live homicide! (Approaching the Marbles with pistol aimed) Connie and Raymond Marble, you have breathed your last breath, you have sighed your last sigh. You are no longer alive! (She shoots Raymond right between his eyes) Connie Marble, you stand convicted of assholism! The proper punishment will now take place. Look pretty for the picture, Connie. That’s it! (She shoots Connie in the forehead) (Close-up of the Marbles, dead, tarred and feathered) No further questions, no further pictures. I have spoken! (The newsmen begin to leave)

THE HAPPY FAMILY

RON VESPO Thanks for the scoop, Divine. Next month’s sales should be booming.

BABS Thank you for coming.

MAT HINLIN (To the other journalists) You can always count on her for a story.

RON VESPO She always was a news-conscious woman. Only problem is, we’ve been trying to get Midnite into the supermarkets and this is a hot story all right, but it’s so squalid.

MAT HINLIN Yeah, well The Tattler’ll be in the supermarkets, you can bet on that.

Babs, Crackers, and Cotton relax under a tree near the execution site.

BABS The time has come for flight, my children.

CRACKERS Where to, Mama, where to?

COTTON Let’s move to Boise, I always wanted to go there.

BABS Boise, Cotton? Why, that might not be a bad idea.

CRACKERS Were you ever there, Cotton?

COTTON Only once. We robbed a transit bus there, remember?

BABS I remember, the number forty-two.

CRACKERS Let’s sleep in gas-station lavatories this time, Mama. Fuck permanent residences. It’ll strengthen our filthiness.

COTTON Crackers, that’s a wonderful idea. What do you say, Babs, let’s move to Boise.

BABS If that’s what you want, my children, then that’s what you’ll get. Boise, Idaho, here we come! I hope Boise’s ready for some star residents. Why, I’ll have to change my appearance. I think I’ll dye my hair another color and start dressing like a dyke.

COTTON Me, too. I’ll get a crew cut.

CRACKERS Maybe it’s about time I started dying my hair too.

BABS What color do you want, honey? I’m gonna make mine hot pink with a DA and Elvis Presley sideburns.

CRACKERS Maybe blond, Mama. Do you think I’d look good as a blond? Do you think it would enhance my filthiness?

COTTON You should dye your hair. It would make you look much filthier. Oh, won’t it be fun? I’ll have a crew cut, you’ll have a pink DA, and Crackers will have blond hair, all in Boise, Idaho!

BABS Then it’s settled. Boise, Idaho, get ready! You are about to receive some migrants of a very special nature, a nature that defies description. You are about to receive into your community the filthiest people alive!

Babs, Crackers, and Cotton walking up a city street carrying suitcases. Crackers has a sign saying “Boise.”

NARRATOR The filthiest people alive? Well, you think you know someone filthier? Watch, as Divine proves that not only is she the filthiest person in the world, she is also the filthiest actress in the world! What you are about to see is THE REAL THING!

“BOISE, IDAHO, GET READY!”

As they continue walking, a boy passes, walking a Hungarian sheepdog.

They break into a broad grin and Babs rubs her stomach.

The final take is one medium shot without cuts. Babs rushes over to the dog as it takes a shit. She scoops up the shit and puts it in her mouth. She rolls it around on her tongue and gags and winks at the camera. Zoom in on Babs giving a shit-eating grin to the camera and the audience.

THE END

DIVINE AND MINK, OFF-CAMERA

OPENING NIGHT AT THE ELGIN IN NEW YORK; INCORRECT TITLE ON MARQUEE

ALSO BY JOHN WATERS

Liarmouth: A Feel-Bad Romance

Mr. Know-It-All: The Tarnished Wisdom of a Filth Elder

Make Trouble

Carsick: John Waters Hitchhikes Across America

Role Models

Hairspray

Female Trouble

Multiple Maniacs

Art: A Sex Book (with Bruce Hainley)

Desperate Living

Flamingos Forever

Crackpot: The Obsessions of John Waters

Shock Value: A Tasteful Book About Bad Taste

A Note About the Author

John Waters is a writer, a film director, an actor, and a visual artist best known for his films, including Hairspray, Pink Flamingos, and Serial Mom. He is the author of the national bestsellers Role Models, Carsick, and Mr. Know-It-All, and the novel Liarmouth. His spoken-word shows This Filthy World, False Negative, End of the World, The Naked Truth, and A John Waters Christmas continue to be performed around the world. He lives in Baltimore, Maryland. You can sign up for email updates here.

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Copyright © 1988, 1996, 2005 by John Waters

All rights reserved

Originally published with two other screenplays by Vintage in 1988 under the title Trash Trio

Published with two other screenplays by Thunder’s Mouth Press in 1996 under the title Trash Trio and in 2005 under the title Pink Flamingos and Other Filth

First Picador edition, 2025

Photographs titled “Edith Massey as Mama Edie,” “Cookie (Cookie Mueller), Cotton, and Crackers Prepare for an Odd Sexual Encounter,” “Edie Primps Off-Camera,” “Ready for the Press in a Group Production Still,” “The Filthiest Person Alive,” “Moving in for a Tight Shot,” “Filming Pink Flamingos,” “The Happy Family,” “‘Boise, Idaho, Get Ready!,’” and “Opening Night at the Elgin in New York” by Bob Adams © Dreamland Productions; all other photographs by Lawrence Irvine © Dreamland Productions

Cover design by Rachel Willey.

Cover art by Wayne Hollowell.

Ebook ISBN: 978-1-250-37134-8

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This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, organizations, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, places, organizations, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.