OUR HEARTS TO BREAK

CAMPUS SECRETS

BOOK 2

JILLIAN FROST

ALSO BY JILLIAN FROST

CAMPUS SECRETS

Our Secret to Keep

Our Hearts to Break

GILDED EMPIRE

Gilded Gods

Gilded Goddess

PRINCES OF DEVIL’S CREEK

The Darkest Prince

Cruel Princes

Vicious Queen

Savage Knights

Battle King

Wicked Heiress

Dirty Heirs

Shattered Empire

BOARDWALK MAFIA

Boardwalk Kings

Boardwalk Queen

Boardwalk Reign

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Penn Publishing

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Copyright © 2025 Jillian Frost

All rights reserved.

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, both living or deceased, establishments, businesses, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without the written permission of the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

CHAPTER 1

RIVER

As we drive through Beacon Bay, my heart races faster than a pack of wolves. Nate senses my anxiety, keeping one hand on the steering wheel, the other covering mine. He only moves his hand to shift gears, and when he does, I mourn the loss of his heat.

His touch grounds me.

He makes me feel safe.

I need him to make this disappear, to keep the world from discovering my dark secret. Well, now it’s our secret. But it’s ours to tell, not The Kingston Spy or the author of Dirty Pucking Secrets.

“We need to make a list of all the girls we remember fucking in the past year,” Nate says over the thumping of my heart.

My head snaps to him. “Remember? Yeah, good luck with that. We were high or drunk half the summer.”

“We have the NDAs at the house. I say we go through them and track down the girls.”

“That’s a good start, I guess. But it could backfire on us.”

I pull out my cell phone and reread the article from The Beacon Press. The headline reads The Secret Life of Ryan Rousseau’s Son.

A former girlfriend of River Rousseau, the son of NHL legend Ryan Rousseau, spills the tea in a spicy new book. River is slated to sign with an NHL team and follow in his father’s footsteps, but the salacious biography could derail his plans.

The publisher has yet to release all the details. However, they are teasing that River shares women with his best friend and teammate, Nathaniel Brooks, the son of Texas oil billionaire Spencer Brooks.

In this juicy tell-all hotter than a sexy romance novel, the author, who uses the pen name R. Daly to conceal her identity, pens a graphic love story guaranteed to break the ice and steam up your Kindle. Dirty Pucking Secrets is available for pre-order and will hit shelves in May.

My secret life.

They have no idea.

Thankfully, no one knows about my feelings for Nate.

The article has already had over 200,000 views and five hundred comments. I avoid reading the comments and click out of the web browser.

Nate’s phone rings through the speakers. I glance at the dashboard screen, not surprised to see Dad Calling.

With a sigh, Nate clicks the steering wheel button and answers the call. “Hey, Dad.”

“Don’t hey me,” Spencer snaps. “What the fuck is this shit? My good name is being slandered all over the internet because of you and River.”

“The girls signed NDAs. Call the lawyers. Have them threaten the publisher for the identity of the author… and get the book taken down.”

“As usual, Nathaniel, I’m already ten steps ahead of you,” he says in a cold tone, devoid of emotion.

“Thanks,” Nate bites out. “So, we’re good then?”

Spencer growls into the phone like a wild animal. Even I’m scared for Nate.

“River shares women with his best friend and teammate, Nathaniel Brooks, the son of Texas oil billionaire Spencer Brooks,” Spencer yells, reading directly from the article. “My name is synonymous with wealth and success, and you have shit on it. I have been fielding phone calls all day about this nonsense. If y’all don’t get your acts together, I will come to that campus and whoop your ass, boy.”

Nate snickers, knuckles turning white as he grips the steering wheel tighter. “Okay, Dad.”

He’s smart enough not to engage.

“I’ve already spoken to Ryan. He’s equally disgusted with River’s behavior. Our lawyers are working together to rid this filth from the world. But you two had better keep your noses clean and stay out of trouble… or so help me, boy, I will end you.”

A shiver rolls down my arms at his threat. Spencer’s nasty tone, combined with his thick Texan drawl, induces fear and anxiety.

Spencer hangs up without saying goodbye.

“Well, that was interesting,” Nate says with a wink. “Told you my dad would handle this. He won’t let that puck bunny destroy our reputations.”

I’m shocked my dad hasn’t called to scream at me yet. But he’s in the middle of practicing with his team and won’t disrupt the comradery for anything, not even me.

Nate shifts gears, eyes on the road. “I’m starving. Where do you want to eat?”

Only Nate could brush off a scandal of this magnitude like a speck of dust on his shirt. He’s so unaffected by public humiliation. I think Nate secretly enjoys being in the spotlight.

“I think we should go home,” I say, running my fingers up his arm, feeling the goosebumps my touch leaves behind. “I’m not in the mood to deal with people.”

Sinking into the leather seat, I stare out the window. The sky is a pale blue that looks so pretty against the backdrop of the dark water moving slowly in the bay.

“I’ll stop at Gio’s,” Nate says. “The guys probably haven’t eaten yet. I’m sure they’ll have questions for us about the book.”

He shifts gears, now focused on the road. We don’t speak as he cuts through the shitty southside of Beacon Bay, driving past dilapidated warehouses and crumbling storefronts.

Beacon Bay is a strange town.

To reach Kingston University, located on the wealthier north side, we must drive through sketchy territory. The university does its best to keep out the locals. Guards stand watch twenty-four hours a day, and even the police do daily drive-bys. Parents like mine would never allow me to attend if it wasn’t safe.

People claim a few families on the south side are involved with the Mafia. I don’t know if the rumors are true. Gossip spreads faster than a virus on campus.

Nate changes the radio station, and when he finds a rock song, he taps his fingers on the dashboard. “Love this song. Gets me so amped up. Makes me want to bend you over the hood and fuck you raw.”

I smile, my cock jerking at the thought of him pounding into me without barriers. “I’ve been dreaming about you fucking me for so long. I hope it lives up to the fantasy in my head.”

“Hey,” he says, clicking his tongue. “I’m better than any fantasy your brain can conjure.”

“Oh, yeah?” I lean over the center console and get in his face. “Prove it.”

“Don’t make me pull over this car,” he growls in that deep, sexy voice. “You don’t want that.”

I flatten my tongue on his cheek and lick his face. “Maybe I do.”

“That’s it.” Nate swerves into a factory parking lot, smoke billowing from the stacks, and slams on the brakes. “You poked the dragon, and now he’s horny and going to claim your ass.”

I love it when Nate gets all primal on me. He unclips his seatbelt and slams my back to the seat, crowding me with his big, muscular body.

“We don’t have any lube,” I say as his lips ghost mine. “I’m not taking that big dick without it.”

He presses his forehead to mine and sighs. “Fuck. I’m not used to needing lube. We’ll have to buy that shit in bulk and stash it everywhere.”

“They sell lube in packets. We can keep some in our wallets and cars for when the mood strikes.”

Nate laughs. “God, you sound like an old lady. When the mood strikes?” He pinches my cheek. “You’re fucking cute.”

“What will our teammates say if we come home with gallons of lube when we’re not bringing girls to the house?”

“Fuck ‘em,” he says with his usual no fucks given attitude. “Who cares what anyone thinks about us? We’re adults. We can do whatever we want. And I really, really want to fuck you.”

After years of dreaming about Nate, my wish has finally come true. I pinch the skin on my forearm to check this is real.

“I’m glad you’re coming to terms with who you are.”

Half of Nate’s body covers mine, the other half draped over the console. He’s too big to share my seat in this tiny sports car.

Eyes on me, he bites my lip. “I’ve been a good boy since we started therapy. Even I’m shocked at how well I’ve been doing without sex. But you can bet your ass my addiction will come rearing its ugly head the second I’m inside you.”

“Technically, you’re still getting some form of sex with me. So, it’s not like you’re celibate.”

He smiles and rolls his tongue over my bottom lip. “You taste good. How about we suck each other off, and then we can stop at Gio’s on our way home?”

My cock tents my pants, poking his stomach. There’s nothing I want more than his mouth on me again. No one sucks cock like Nate, not even the best of the best puck bunnies.

I look to my left and see men and women leaving the factory. Doors slam as they get into their cars.

“Nate, people can see us. They’re in the middle of a shift change. How about we eat with the guys? And then we can spend the night taking turns sucking each other off.”

He kisses my nose and slides over to his side of the car, an evil grin on his face. “Deal.”

CHAPTER 2

RIVER

Sorority chicks and frat boys sit on their porches, eyes on Nate and me. At least a dozen girls gather along the front gate to our house. A few look much older than college age.

We’re the talk of campus, whispers floating across the street. Gossip at Kingston University travels faster than the wind.

I get out of the passenger seat, pizza boxes in hand, dreading the onslaught of commentary.

“River, River.” A skinny blonde girl waves. “Over here.”

“Nate,” another girl yells before rushing to the driver’s side, dressed in tight black pants and a chunky red sweater. “Hey, so… you probably don’t remember me, but we⁠—”

He pushes out his hand. “Just stop. Whatever you were going to say, the answer is no.”

She scowls. “Asshole.”

As she flees, several women approach us, each offering to let us share them. Nate brushes them off with the flick of his hand. I flat-out ignore them, making my way through the crowd of eager puck bunnies.

Balancing almost a dozen pizza boxes on our palms, we head inside the house. Five of our eight teammates lounge on the sectional couch in the living room, two playing video games while the other three watch.

Parker Hale hears me slam the door and turns his head, a cell phone clasped in his hands. “Look at what Brooks and Rousseau brought us.”

Carter Hayes tips up his nose, takes a whiff of the pizza, and drops the remote on the floor. “Gio’s! Dude, I’m starving. How did you know?”

Tall and blond, Carter’s hair is cropped on the sides and longer on the top, a few strands flopping onto his forehead. His bright blue eyes widen on me.

“When are you not hungry, Hayes?” I say with laughter in my tone.

Don’t let his slim body fool you. He can eat all of us under the table. I don’t know where he puts the food, though.

Carter sees each housemate’s name written on the boxes’ exterior and yanks his from my hands.

“Pepperoni and sausage,” I tell him. “With extra pepperoni.”

Licking his lips, he winks. “Thanks, bro.”

He heads toward the dining room, stealing a slice from the box as he walks away.

“The rest of you assholes can wait until we sit down,” Nate warns, palm pushed out to say back the fuck up.

No one messes with Nate.

They follow us into the dining room. Nate sets his five boxes at the head of the table and starts passing them out. I do the same, saving mine for last.

Nate puts his hand on the two extra boxes. “Where’s Copeland and Wade?”

“Not home yet,” Parker answers between bites.

“I’ll take their pizzas,” Carter says, a streak of grease sliding down his chin, his finger covered in red sauce.

“No the fuck you won’t.” Nate sits and flips open his box, folding a slice of pizza Bianca in half. “If any of you touch their food, I’ll kick your ass.”

“Such a grump when you’re not bringing home chicks,” Parker says, waggling his eyebrows. “You need to get laid, Brooks.”

Nate’s nostrils flare at his comment. A shiver rolls down my arms as he takes in the intrigued expressions of our housemates.

“Who says I’m not getting laid?” Nate bites into his pizza, snarling at him.

“You kicked Samantha out,” Parker says. “And we haven’t seen anyone new since.”

“Thin walls,” Waters comments with a cocky grin aimed at Nate.

He balls his hand into a fist on the table, teeth gritted. The two face off, a silent communication passing between them. I expect Nate to grab Waters by the throat. Instead, he uncurls his hand and dabs at his lips with a napkin.

“Speaking of women,” Parkers says, tilting his head to the side, black curls flopping onto his forehead. “We read the article. Girls have been knocking on the door all day.”

“Yeah,” Nate growls. “Our dads are handling it.”

“Who’s the author of the book?”

Nate shrugs. “No idea. She’s using a pen name.”

“Reporters have been asking us for comments,” Monroe says. “We didn’t tell them anything.”

“Thanks,” I say in unison with Nate.

“We got your back,” Parker says through a mouthful of pizza.

The group grunts and nods in agreement. Even Waters bobs his head. The guys mutter their thanks for the food, raising glasses of beer, soda, and water bottles to toast us.

“You’re welcome, cocksuckers,” Nate says with a smirk tipping up the right corner of his mouth. “And thanks for keeping your mouths shut about what goes on in this house. We’re going out tonight. My treat.”

The guys whoop and cheer.

“Strippers,” Parker shouts, arm raised.

Nate is a lot of things, a dick being one of them, but he loves to spoil people. He acts like our teammates annoy him, yet he surprises them with food and buys them lap dances. He never spares any expense, nor does he expect them to reciprocate.

Nate is a good guy—when he wants to be.

His kindness and my skill on the ice are the only reasons their suspicions have stayed at bay. But what happens when we’re no longer useful after graduation and go our separate ways?

Keeping my secret—now our secret—gets harder each day. I’m not ashamed of being gay. Neither is Nate. It’s the public exposure that scares me. When it comes to sharing women, guys say things like you’re the man or dude, share the wealth.

But how would they feel about Nate sucking my dick in the locker room shower? The locker room is sacred, and we’ve tainted it with our cum.

Instead of praising us, people would drag my name through the mud. I would no longer be River Rousseau, the captain of the Kingston Kings, the top player in NCAA Division I Ice Hockey.

I would be a gay hockey player.

My relationship with Nate would be the topic of conversation in the sports world, and no one would look at me the same again.

I keep to myself, observing my friends silently, thankful they are loyal. While Nate uses money and threats to keep people in check, I treat my teammates respectfully. Some of the guys have struggled with their puck-handling skills. Whenever they ask, I drop whatever I’m doing to help them.

My mother says people never forget how you make them feel. And now, I’m being rewarded with their loyalty.

“Hey, Rousseau,” Parker says, “think your dad would come to the pep rally before the Boston College game?”

“Um, let me check.”

I gulp down a mouthful of food and reach into my pocket. Scanning my phone’s calendar, I click on my dad’s schedule and shake my head.

“Nope. The Rangers are playing the Caps at home that night.”

“Damn,” he groans. “I was hoping he’d sign some stuff, get more people amped up for the big game.”

“We have River,” Nate interjects. “He’s better than Ryan. We don’t need his tired ass.”

Everyone stops eating and speaking, confused gazes fixed on Nate. They stare at him like he’s an alien or some other life form. Most hockey fans worship my father, my teammates included.

“Dude, you’re nuts,” Carter fires back at him, shaking his head. “We love you, bro,” he says to me. “But your dad…” He shrugs. “He’s the GOAT.”

A round of grunts echo around the table.

“The fucking man,” Parker says in agreement. “But we still love you, Rousseau.”

“Your dad is why I wanted to play hockey,” Monroe chimes. “Dude’s a beast on the ice.”

“River will crush his dad’s records,” Nate confidently says, smiling at me. “Just you fuckers wait and see.”

I love how he comes to my defense. No one has my back more than Nate.

“It’s all good, guys,” I tell my teammates. “I get it. As a kid, I wanted to be my dad, too. He taught me everything I know.”

They talk about puck bunnies, frat parties, and video games for the rest of dinner. I zone out, my thoughts drifting back to the author of that stupid book and the hell she will cause if the lawyers don’t kill this book deal.

After I eat most of my pizza, I lean back in the chair and rub my full stomach. “I’m gonna be sick.”

Nate finishes his last slice and glances at me, head tipped toward the stairs. Without words, I know what he wants. We rarely need to speak to understand each other.

I slide my box in front of Carter. “You can have my leftovers.”

His eyes light up like a kid on Christmas morning. “Really? Sweet. Thanks, Rousseau.”

Once upstairs, Nate closes his bedroom door and pins me to the wood. His hand slips beneath my shirt as our lips touch.

“The pizza was good, but I’d much rather eat you.” He tugs his shirt over his head and points at the bed. “While they’re busy fucking off, we can play.”

I do as he says and toss my shirt on the floor. Sitting on the mattress, I spread my thighs and look up at him.

His eyes roll over my chiseled chest, drop to my hard cock, and then back to my face. Ready to pounce, he steps forward and shoves his pants over his hips, the tip of his cock peeking out.

“What the fuck?”

Nate focuses on the mirrored wall behind the bed, mouth hanging open. “Someone was… Who was in here?”

CHAPTER 3

NATE

Anger blooms in my chest, coiling around my heart like vines. The blood pumps faster through my veins. Every inch of my skin flares with heat.

Until a few seconds ago, I was distracted by River, ready to lick and bite his bare chest. He sits on my bed, legs spread, shirt tossed on the floor. Even his naked torso isn’t enough to calm my rage.

In the mirrored wall, I see my laptop open on my desk, revealing the digital wallpaper of River and me in our bathing suits, sitting on the beach. Before I left the house, I had turned off the computer and shoved it into my desk drawer.

“What the fuck?”

The tip of my cock sticks out from my boxer briefs, leaking onto the fabric. I want to shove it between River’s lips, make him choke and gag, and beg for more. But I can’t stop shaking.

I’m hoping my eyes have deceived me. “Someone was… Who was in here?”

River shakes his head. “Our teammates wouldn’t⁠—”

“Someone touched my shit,” I point out.

I stalk over to the desk and sit in the chair, my fingers stroking the cold leather. A sweet scent burrows into my nostrils, a perfume I recognize. It’s fresh, the scent clinging to the air.

Samantha was here.

I haven’t spoken to her in weeks or seen her on campus. After our fight at the house, she avoided me and cut off all ties.

Don’t overreact, I remind myself. Try to stay calm.

“My chair smells like Samantha.”

He shakes his head in disbelief. “No way. She wouldn’t break into the house. I can’t see her doing that.”

“We rarely lock the front door. Most of the guys forget their keys. If she paid attention to our schedules, she would know when no one would be home.”

“Most of the guys are here.” River hunches beside my chair. “Even if she managed to get into the house unnoticed, how would she get your password?”

I lean back and sigh. “Because I’m a fucking idiot. I let her sit on my lap and watch me edit the video I sent you the last time we fucked her. She must have paid attention when I unlocked my computer.”

“Fuck,” River mutters. “I told you something was off about her. That we couldn’t trust her.”

I don’t want to hear I told you so right now. So, I turn away from River and start checking my files. Scanning the desktop, I don’t see anything missing. Most of my homemade porn is hidden on a special drive. Samantha watched me access it.

When I open the folder labeled Samantha, it’s empty. My hands shake from the anger rolling through me, and I clutch the arms of the chair.

“She deleted everything we filmed with her.”

I search the other folders and see they are untouched.

Thank fuck.

I have several hundred videos and pictures of River and me with various women. Recently, I created a folder called River. That’s where I keep the videos I made for him. I even have a subfolder labeled First Times. Inside, there’s the picture of the first time I jerked off River and came on his ass.

“She could have asked me to delete the videos of her.”

River bites his lip, eyes narrowed. “If you had been nicer, she wouldn’t have done this to us.”

I consider his suggestion, but it’s too late to worry about the past. What I should have done doesn’t matter.

“Do you remember what she said last time we saw her?”

River nods. “She said she kept our secret because she liked us… and could tell everyone about me.”

I roll my shoulders against the leather chair. “She was totally in love with us.”

“In love with you,” River shoots back at me. “You texted her every day. She was over here all the time.”

“I told her the truth. I never led her on. I was honest from the start about it just being sex. It’s not my fault she couldn’t get it through her thick head.”

River bites his trembling lip, those sad, green eyes searing into my soul. I hate it when he’s upset.

I lead River to the bed. “Look, if it’s Samantha, she signed an NDA. She won’t get a dime from the publisher. The book deal will go away.”

Samantha isn’t the first to blackmail us, but we liked her the most.

Well, I did.

I would have kept Samantha longer if River hadn’t gotten sick of her. She was the most adventurous of the girls and willing to try anything. The last time we fucked, we had fun, but I couldn’t get hard without watching an old video of River.

I regret nothing.

It was time to move on.

River was right.

And I only want him.

I flash a confident smirk. “I’ll get her to hand over what she stole.”

River curls his arms around me and sighs. “This has to work, Nate. I can’t do this anymore. I’m so sick of keeping a secret life. I want to be with you.”

I shove the dark brown hair from his eyes and kiss his forehead, nose, and lips. “Don’t let that bitch get the best of you. We got this, okay?”

“My dad will kill me if she leaks any of the videos. I’ll never hear the end of it. And my career… I won’t have one.”

“You’re too good for the NHL not to let you play,” I say because he needs a reminder of his talent.

River has one of the most recognizable faces on the East Coast. His sex tape—with a man, of all people—would be worth millions. I won’t let Samantha get away with breaking into my house and stealing my shit.

I cup River’s shoulder, feeling the nervous energy hum through his body. “We’re hunters, Riv, not the hunted.”

He laughs at my family’s motto.

“We make hot porn, don’t we?” I hook my arm around him and kiss his cheek. “I want to make more of it with you.”

He slaps my bicep. “I’m not joking, Nate. This isn’t funny.”

“It’s a little funny,” I say because humor is my go-to when stressed. “Think I could do OnlyFans if this lawyer thing doesn’t work out?”

I waggle my eyebrows, and River punches my bicep.

“Now, you’re just being a dick. I feel like I’m about to have a fucking heart attack…. and you’re cracking jokes.”

Someone bangs on the door and ruins our moment. River moves away from me at record speed and opens the door. Jimmy Waters, that savage wall of man, stands in the entryway, hands on his hips, his head nearly touching the frame.

With his usual shake of disapproval, he frowns. “Everyone’s ready to leave for the club. Do I have to throw you rich fuckers over my shoulders and drag you downstairs? Or would you homos like that too much?”

I close the distance between us and bump our chests. “Say that again, motherfucker. I dare you.”

“I was just fucking around.” Waters raises his hand for me to tap. “We’re good. I didn’t mean anything by it.”

“Do you ever think before you speak?” I snap, my nostrils flaring, anger pooling inside me.

River clears his throat behind me. Without looking at him, I know what he wants. So, I bump our fists, hating the feel of Waters’ rough skin against mine.

Waters attends Kingston University on a partial sports scholarship, paying the remainder with grants and loans. He has always resented River for getting a full ride when he can afford the tuition. But he just hates me—period. Or maybe he hates me because I’m wealthy and spoiled. And I’m not shy about it. I see no point in hiding who I am.

“As much as I would love for you to throw me over your shoulder and manhandle me,” I say with a cocky grin, “I can walk down the stairs on my own, Big Boy. Thanks for the offer, though.”

He glares at me, gripping the doorframe like he’s holding the damn thing up. “Stop playing games. We’ve been waiting for you two to stop sucking each other’s dicks.”

I had forgotten about my offer to take them to Lucky’s, a gesture I made during dinner without a second thought. Such a giver I am. Sometimes, I wonder if my housemates only tolerate me because of my generosity. That’s probably accurate, given my attitude.

I bob my head. “Yeah, yeah. Go without us. We’ll meet you guys at the club.”

He glares at me, then disappears without a word.

River moves to my side, hands on his narrow waist. “What about Samantha?”

“We’ll stop by her dorm on the way.”

CHAPTER 4

NATE

As I knock on Samantha’s door, I wonder if whores are pretty when they’re dead. The bitch is lucky I don’t have access to my rifles on campus. I’m in full-blown hunter mode—and she’s the hunted.

The door swings open.

Samantha’s eyes widen. “Nate… River. Oh, hey.”

“Hey? Is that all you got to say?”

I push on the door, and she attempts to slam it in my face. So, I wedge my sneaker between the door and the jam and shove harder. Samantha is tiny and stumbles backward as I enter her dorm room with River in tow.

Towering over her, I push her back to the wall and smash my chest into hers. “You have some fucking nerve, Sam. Think you can break into my house and get away with it?”

“Nate, please,” she whines, pleading with her big, blue eyes. “Don’t hurt me.”

I would never lay a hand on a woman. Samantha should know that by now. And to think, once upon a time, I liked this girl. She was my favorite of all the puck bunnies I shared with River.

Go figure.

I advance on her, nostrils flared. “You know why I’m here. Give me back what you stole.”

“You guys fucked me over,” she bites out. “We were together for months… and you just tossed me aside like trash.”

“You are trash,” I snap. “Consider yourself lucky we ever fucked you.”

“You’re an asshole.” Samantha pushes out her chest, showing off her big tits spilling out of a low-cut top. “You stopped talking to me. No explanation. Just said you were done with me. Like I didn’t matter.”

“Did you really think you would get away with this? You know who my father is. What he’s capable of.”

My dad has used lethal force to deal with enemies. When it comes to preserving our family name, nothing is off-limits.

“Remember the NDA you signed over the summer?” I ask, my jaw ticking. “Hmm?”

She angles her body, arms folded over her chest, and sighs.

“Samantha,” River says calmly. “I get that you’re pissed at us. Nate can be a dick. So can I. But think about how much damage you could do with those videos of us.”

She crosses her arms under her tits, which used to do it for me but not anymore. I can only see River standing beside her. The strength of his jaw, the fullness of his lips, and that smile… It could light up this room.

“This isn’t fair,” Samantha says, choking on her words, tears streaming down her cheeks. “I thought we were… You made it seem like we could be more. I thought you liked me.”

“You’re not publishing the book,” I snap at her. “Our lawyers are already working on getting it taken down.”

She narrows her eyes. “What book?”

Samantha genuinely looks confused.

“Don’t fuck with me, woman.”

“I’m not.” She bites her lip. “I just wanted the videos of me. I didn’t… What book are you talking about?”

“Dirty Pucking Secrets,” River tells her. “Everyone on campus is talking about it.”

She shakes her head. “I haven’t checked my phone. I’ve been working on a paper for Lit class.”

“You better be telling the truth,” I say, anger rolling off me.

“I am.” She leans against the wall, eyeing us up. “And I’m sorry I stole the videos, but you stopped talking to me… and I didn’t want you to have something you could use to blackmail me.”

“You could have asked,” I tell her. “I would have deleted them.”

Samantha flicks her hair over her shoulder, a knowing look on her face. “At least now it makes sense. I saw the River folder on your computer. Were you always into each other?”

“No,” River admits. “That didn’t happen until recently. But if it makes you feel any better, we were with you the longest. We liked you, Sam. It’s not personal. I promise.”

“Are you guys gay? What’s your deal?”

River nods. “Please don’t say anything. No one knows. They can’t… It would ruin my career.”

“You also signed an NDA,” I remind her. “You couldn’t say anything… even if you wanted to.”

“I know. And I won’t.”

Leaning against the wall, I stuff my hands into my pockets. “Give us the videos, Sam.”

“No,” she fires back at me. “You’re not keeping porn of me. Just because I signed an NDA doesn’t give you the right.”

“Then delete them.”

Samantha puts her cell phone in my palm. “Go ahead. I don’t have any use for them.”

I scroll through her phone and delete the videos. After the evidence is gone, I hand her the phone.

“I saw it, you know,” Samantha says. “The way River looked at you. When you walked into a room, it was like his world stopped. You were so blind. I wondered if I was making it up because you could never see it. But I knew the night he left us. You couldn’t get hard. We had to watch him.”

“Now my eyes are wide open,” I tell her. “I know what I want.”

Anymore, I crave men. I haven’t thought of a woman since the last time I fucked Samantha. Even with her licking her lips and shoving out her tits, she does nothing for me, which is weird because I used to love fucking her.

“Do you keep backups of your phone on your computer?”

“No.”

“Well, I keep backups of my files.” I whip out my cell and show her all the videos, not including those I store on the cloud. “If you tell anyone about River and me, I will post every video of you sucking our dicks, taking both of us at the same time. I will send them to your dad, brothers, and everyone you have ever known. I will ruin your fucking life. I don’t want to, Sam. But I will do anything to protect River. Do you understand me?”

“Nate,” she whispers, putting her hand on my chest. “I would never. I swear. I was angry and jealous… and upset. You treated me like shit. Acted like you never gave a damn about me.”

“I’m with River now,” I confess, and I love how the words sound. “Like he said, it’s not personal. You’re just not him.”

She nods. “I get it.”

I rub the pad of my thumb across her bottom lip. “Be a good girl and keep this mouth shut.”

Without another word, I exit her dorm room with River, wondering when the next shoe will drop.

I should have known better than to let Parker choose the strip club. It’s the usual scene at Forbidden Temptations—tacky neon lights, mirrored walls, leather benches, and desperate men swarming the girls.

Three coked-up bitches shake their asses on the stage as my teammates toss dollar bills at their naked bodies. I refuse to give them a penny. These girls are way past their expiration and look like they need a hospital or a drug rehab. I’m just waiting for the blonde with huge nipples to fall off the stage.

Now that I’ve crossed the line with River, women don’t do it for me as they once did. I see men in a completely different light. It’s not like I’m lusting over my teammates in the locker room, but I do notice which ones are attractive.

Take Parker Hale, for example. He’s a pretty boy with long eyelashes, a head of short, black curls, and classic good looks. He’s wearing a perfectly pressed dress shirt and slacks. Parker fits the textbook stereotype of a rich douchebag.

Don’t get me wrong.

I like him just fine.

A decent player, Parker is usually good for a few goals per season and always offers to pay. Besides River, he’s the hottest guy on our team. But he has shitty taste in women.

Parker elbows me, and when I turn my head, he says, “She’s so hot, right?”

I stare at him like he’s grown another head. “Huh?”

Even if I wasn’t thinking about River’s dick, none of these women are doing it for me.

I don’t think I’m gay, but if I were, it would annoy my dad. So, there’s that. Maybe I’ll make a move on River at Thanksgiving dinner so dear old Dad can see how much I like dick. I would love to watch him lose his shit.

“I call dibs on the blonde.” Parker pulls out a black Fendi wallet and waves a wad of cash at the stage. “Which one do you want?”

“None,” I tell him. “You know I prefer the girls at Lucky’s. Forbidden Temptations blows.”

“What?” Parker looks confused. “Are you serious, bro? My treat.”

“Nah, I’m good. Save your money for the rest of the team.” I tip my head at the five guys crowding the stage. “Look at them. Thirsty as fuck for that beat-up pussy.”

Parker snickers. “You’ve been weird lately. Off. What’s up with you?”

“I’m good. Just bored. I’d rather go to Lucky’s.”

I only say this to get him off my ass. Thankfully, he doesn’t push me or suggest we abandon this hellhole for the other strip club.

“We’re not leaving.” Parker smacks his lips, giving me a strange, almost seductive look. “Suck it up, buttercup.”

He’s so close I get a whiff of his aftershave. And as our gazes lock, I see something flicker in his eyes. I step backward and knock into River’s arm. He puts his hand on my lower back to steady me.

Did I just get a vibe from Parker?

Yeah, no. Definitely not.

I read that all wrong.

“I need a lap dance,” Parker says to break the tension, yanking his eyes from my body. “Are you sure you don’t want one?”

I bob my head. “All good. I’m sitting out tonight.”

He leans over and says, “River? You want one?”

River takes a sip from the beer bottle and swallows. “Nope.”

A few times, River and I had taken home the strippers from Lucky’s. But was the sex ever about the girls? Now, I don’t know.

Most of my sexual experiences involved River. When I look back at our strange childhoods, I wonder if I fucked up River.

Did I make him gay?

Was I gay and didn’t know it?

I’m questioning everything I ever thought about myself and my sexuality. I never had boundaries with River. From day one, he was my person. Everything felt so natural and effortless with him. He went along with it, no matter what I suggested.

Parker nudges me with his elbow, snapping me out of my thoughts. “Cheer up, Brooks. You look fucking miserable.”

Eyes on the stage, I say, “I hate this place. The girls are beat. The music sucks. And I’m probably going to get herpes just from sitting on this stool.”

“You’re such a snob,” he teases and lifts a glass of scotch to his lips.

Here’s what I don’t get about Parker. His parents have boatloads of money. They own yachts, private jets, and mansions on every continent, and yet, he settles for low-class whores and cheap food. Poor people want to be rich, but no rich person wants to be poor.

“I’m not staying long,” I tell Parker. “I have a paper to finish for tomorrow’s class.”

It’s a lie, an excuse to return to the house and make out with River.

Parker’s eyes flick to River, and he reaches behind me to pat him on the shoulder. “You’ve been quiet tonight. What’s up with you?”

“Nothing,” River bites out. “Tired.”

Parker rises from the chair to grab another drink from a topless woman. He moves between two of my teammates and offers to buy them a lap dance.

I choke down the rest of my drink and look at River. “I hate this bar. They have the worst strippers in Connecticut.”

“I know a place that’s more your speed.” River flashes a wicked smirk, keeping his voice low so our teammates can’t hear. “Wanna go? We can be ourselves there.”

I get where he’s going with this, and excitement blooms in my chest. River told me about the gay club outside of town. He wants me to see if I like it.

I nod. “I’m down.”

River slides off the chair and drops a hundred-dollar bill on the table. “Let’s go.”

I add money to the pile for our teammates and say to Parker, “We’re out of here. I covered our tab and some. Remember, herpes is for life. Have fun. But not too much.”

“Dick,” he says as I walk away, and I laugh all the way to the car.

I am a dick… and I’m going to get mine sucked by my best friend.

CHAPTER 5

RIVER

On our way to Glitter, I tap my fingers on my thigh and stare at the cars passing us. As a kid, I could guess which headlights belonged to a specific make and model. It was a game I played with my dad on road trips.

To steady my nerves, I scan the next set of headlamps coming toward us. “Porsche Cayenne.”

“Are you sure about that?” Nate asks since he knows this game well.

As the car approaches, I say, “One hundred percent.”

“You’re never wrong.” He smirks as the car flies by, confirming I was right.

Nate stops at the red light and looks at me. “What’s up with you? You’ve been quiet all night. Barely talked to our teammates.”

Digging my teeth into my bottom lip, I avoid his gaze, knowing Nate is staring at me. “Thinking about the book. If it wasn’t Samantha, then who wrote it?”

“I don’t know. But our lawyers will find out. Stop worrying.” His hand slides onto my thigh, fingers digging into my jeans. “Try to put that shit out of your mind for tonight.”

“It’s not just the book. I’m also worried about⁠—”

“Us,” Nate guesses.

“Not us specifically.”

“Are you worried about us having sex? Because we don’t have to take it that far if you’re uncomfortable.”

I shake my head, clasping my hands on my lap. “It’s not that. Well, it is, but… I’m more concerned with how this will change us. Once we do it, we can’t take it back.”

Nate punches the gas pedal, eyes on the road. “No pressure, Riv. We can do whatever you want. I won’t rush you.”

At least my first time will be with Nate. It only seems natural, considering he was there for all my firsts.

Nate parks at Glitter.

My happy place.

At the front door, we show our IDs, pay the cover, and get gold glittery bands slapped onto our wrists. Nate grins as we step inside, his hand on my ass.

The usual barrage of men dressed in bright colors assaults my vision. Other men wearing super tight pants are shirtless, sweaty, or possibly oily. Bodies mold together, men grinding and humping each other, making out as if no one is watching.

Every time I come here, I worry someone will recognize me. A lot of gay men like hockey and have no problem hunting me down on social media. I get at least a dozen dick pics a week and even more tit and vag shots from horny puck bunnies.

People know my face and voice from my TikTok videos. It doesn’t help I’m the spitting image of my dad and often mistaken for him. And with the press release for the book out there…

No, don’t go there.

This night is about having fun with Nate. It’s our chance to get a taste of what our life could be like if we didn’t have so many secrets.

The club has two floors. Men dance and strip from cages suspended from the vaulted ceiling. The main stages are at the front of the club, where hot men dance on poles.

Since I know the layout, I grab Nate’s hand and lead him toward one of the five bars spaced throughout the ground floor. I push through the crowd and order two beers from a shirtless bartender with a nose and lip ring.

Nate moves beside me and grabs my ass. “This is mine.”

I cock my head at him and smile. “Yours.”

Nate brushes his lips on my neck and kisses my skin. “I’m so into you it’s crazy. Like, I can’t think straight when I look at you. My head feels all fuzzy… and my dick gets hard.”

He slides his hand under my chin, turning my head to steal a kiss. But before our lips touch, a man reaches between us and tosses money at the bartender.

“Oh, sorry, boys.”

A hot, muscular guy a few inches shorter than me flashes pearly white teeth. He has spiky black hair with silver tips that give him an edgy look. Shirtless, a pair of leather pants hug his cute butt, showing off an impressive six-pack and lean but muscular arms.

“Holy shit!” I shout, eyes widening on him. “You’re Dean.”

Dean and Baby Face have dozens of videos they cross-promote on their OnlyFans pages. I love it when they tease each other while giving head, slowly easing their way into the hottest sex I have ever watched.

Since Nate started making porn for me, I stopped looking at OnlyFans. He’s all I need now. All I ever wanted.

Dean flashes a sexy grin. “Ah, so you’re a fan. Nice to meet you. What’s your name, handsome?”

“River.”

“Cute name.” He winks, then looks at Nate. “What should I call you, Mr. Tall, Hot, and Serious?”

Nate folds his arms over his thick chest and snickers. “River calls me God.”

“I bet he does.” Dean tips his head back and laughs, eyeing me up like a snack. “Fuck, you’re hot. And confident. Ever think about doing gay porn?”

Nate seems confused by his question, so I say, “Dean works with Baby Face.”

“Oh,” he mouths. “You guys are like a thing?”

“Best friends. We needed cash and got this crazy idea to do OnlyFans.” Dean shrugs. “Never meant for us to make it a permanent thing. But sex fucking sells.”

Nate hooks his arm around me, pressing my hip to his. He’s so damn possessive, and I love it.

Dean plucks a business card from his back pocket. “If you want to do a cameo in one of our videos, text me. Our followers would blow massive loads for you two.”

As Nate stuffs the card into his pocket, Baby Face appears. Eye black is painted below his big, blue eyes, making his skin seem even tanner under the dim lights. His usual tight, black spandex shorts sit low on his hips, a patch of hair dipping beneath the waistband.

“Hey, professor,” I say with a wink as he slides next to Dean, who hands him a drink.

Professor West’s eyes widen on me. “River… Hey.”

“Wait, you guys know each other?” Nate asks, eyes narrowed.

I can already tell he’s getting jealous, so I lean into his embrace, giving him the validation he needs. “You don’t recognize him, do you?”

He takes another look. “The guy from the videos?”

“Yes, but that’s Professor West,” I whisper. “From Law and Ethics class.”

“No shit?”

“Please don’t say anything,” Professor West says. “And you should call me Ollie outside of class.”

Dean slings his arm across Ollie’s neck. “I gave Nate my card. They would be perfect for that video idea we discussed last night.”

Ollie gulps. “They’re my students.”

“So? Look at them.” He eyes up our bodies and licks his lips. “Do you guys play a sport?”

“Hockey,” Nate tells them.

“I knew it.” Dean scrubs a hand across his jaw and groans. “Fuck, they are perfect. Would you guys consider doing something for us in your hockey gear?”

“I already make videos for River,” Nate says proudly, unashamed of his body or his homemade porn. “He likes the ones I film in my jersey and nothing else.”

“Yeah?” Dean bites his lip, eyeing up Nate’s body. “I’d love to see those.”

I glance at Ollie, my eyes saying, Save me, when Nate whips out his phone and Dean moves closer.

“Not the time or place.” Ollie clutches Dean’s shoulder. “We have to get back to work.”

“Aww, boo. You whore. I wanna see this hottie fuck his hand.”

Laughing at Dean, Ollie slaps a hand on my back. “I’ll see you in class.”

I nod, and they walk away, waving as they disappear into the crowd.

“I like Dean,” Nate comments. “When we get home, I wanna watch his videos.”

I raise a curious eyebrow. “Yeah?”

He nods. “He’s hot.”

“Hotter than me?”

“Nah. No one is hotter than you.”

I sip from my drink, propping my hip against the bar. “I can’t believe you were going to show a stranger the porn you made for me.”

“Nothing to be ashamed about.” Nate rolls his broad shoulders. “I look awesome naked.”

“You’re so modest.”

“Better than insecure.” Nate tugs on my arm. “Finish your beer. I want to dance with you.”

I gulp my drink in a few swigs and slam it onto the bar. Nate drags me to the dance floor like a lion leading prey to its lair. His hands drop to my hips, and he draws me into his chest, so I start flipping open the buttons on his shirt.

Nate pushes my Henley up my stomach, exposing my bare skin to the cold air. My nipples instantly harden as he nibbles on my ear and flicks his tongue on the lobe.

“I want to bend you over and fuck you raw,” he tells me. “I’ve never done that before… but I want to feel you.”

We got tested after cutting ties with Samantha and haven’t been with anyone since.

I suck his bottom lip into my mouth. “I want to feel you inside me.”

I love Nate.

I’m in love with him.

Finally, my patience has paid off.

He’s mine.

“I don’t want to wait.” Nate cups my ass in his big hands, rubbing our dicks together. “Let’s get a room at The Waterford tonight.”

“I thought you had a paper to finish for tomorrow.”

“I just said that to get Parker off my ass.” He tips his head toward the exit. “Wanna leave?”

I hook my arms around his neck and kiss his lips. “We just got here.”

Nate flashes a sexy grin. “Would you rather dance with our clothes on or get your dick sucked?”

“Well, when you put it that way.”

Without another word, Nate leads me through the crowd of sweaty, overstimulated men with his hands on my shoulders. I love his possessiveness. His touch screams he’s mine, and I have never wanted anything more.

Nate gets behind the wheel, zipping across the busy lot. He makes a left onto the street and turns hard, the wheels screeching. Then, he yanks the wheel, taking another turn too hard and acting like we’re on a raceway.

“Why are you driving like an asshole?” I clutch the door handle. “Either pull over or slow the fuck down.”

He eases up on the gas pedal, reducing to the speed limit. “Happy?”

“Let’s just go home.” I sink into the comfy leather seat and stare out the window. “We don’t have any lube or toys.”

His head snaps to me, a sexy smile tipping up the corners of his mouth. “What kind of toys are we talking about?”

“Butt plugs, dildos, and vibrators.”

He waggles his eyebrows. “Kinky.”

I lean over and put my hand on the bulge in his pants. “When we get home, will you make a video for me?”

He grows harder, his monster cock straining against his zipper. My body is painfully aware of his scent burrowing into my nostrils. All too aware of how much he desires me.

“I want you to watch,” Nate says, licking his lips. “And I want you to get off with me.”

Someone pinch me.

Wake me up from this dream.

Anything that feels too good to be true never lasts. When Nate finds out I’m meeting with NHL teams during the Thanksgiving break, he won’t want me anymore. The betrayal will cut him too deep.

CHAPTER 6

NATE

Being watched excites me. A little thrill zings through my limbs, igniting a fire beneath my skin. There’s something about knowing someone is finding pleasure because of me that gives me a high like any other. No drugs or alcohol come close to the feeling.

After I set up the cameras, I roll a chair into the center of my bedroom and force River to sit on the bed. Like a good boy, he follows my orders, wearing only his jersey and nothing else. I’m dressed similarly, legs spread so he has the perfect view of my dick and balls.

“Lean back on your elbows,” I say, grabbing hold of my leaking cock. “Let me see you.”

He does as I command and gives me a lazy grin as he pushes his legs apart. “Better?”

“Fuck, yes.”

River slides the jersey up his ripped stomach, and the pad of his thumb circles his nipple. He tips his head back and moans, tightening the grip on his cock.

“Nate,” he whispers, his eyes hooded. “Come here.”

“No. Keep touching yourself… and I’ll reward you with my mouth.”

“Oh god,” he groans, working his shaft into his fist. “Take off your jersey.”

“You go first.”

I stop jerking myself and lean forward in the chair, eyes on my beautiful friend. River slowly inches the fabric up his abs and yanks it over his head. His body is like carved marble, more perfect than a sculpture handcrafted by a talented artist. Of all the times I saw him naked, I never savored him quite like this.

I stare at the two crisscrossed hockey sticks with the number twenty-three between them inked over his heart. C'est la vie is written in script on the right side, a few inches above his nipple.

My eyes flick straight to the infinity symbol intertwined on his right forearm between other ink. I have the same one. It’s the only tattoo on my body, a reminder of my lifelong promise to River.

“You want my jersey?” I tell him. “Come take it off me.”

River hops off the mattress and gets on his knees between my thighs. He clutches the seam of my jersey, his fingers brushing my skin.

“You’re so hot,” he whispers. “I still can’t believe this is happening.”

My heart beats a million miles a second. An inferno brews inside me, all of my nerve endings on fire as he slowly trails his lips up my stomach. River leans forward and licks my abs, one at a time, devouring me like a dessert.

“Fuck.” I push the hair off his forehead and watch his eyes light up. “Your lips feel amazing.”

He flattens his tongue over my peck and gives me a few licks. “How about my tongue? You like this?”

“Yes.” I push his head down. “Don’t stop.”

His mouth closes over my nipple, ripping a hiss from my throat. My cock jerks between us.

“He wants a kiss. He’s feeling neglected.”

“I love how you speak about your dick like it’s a person.”

“Might as well be. He’s the most important part of my life… other than you.” I squeeze the base of my cock and glide my hand up my shaft. “Give me your mouth, Riv.”

“I might suck at this,” he says with a shy smile.

“Yeah, I want you to suck. That’s the point.” I shift my hips to smack his lips with the tip. “Wrap those sexy lips around me and show me how good you can take this dick.”

He bends down and swipes my precum from the tip. “I’ve been practicing.”

“Yeah?” My eyebrows rise. “With who?”

He licks my cum from his finger. “A dildo.”

“What else do you do with the dildo?”

River puts his palms on my thighs and sucks the tip of my cock into his mouth. “I have a dildo for this.” He does a swirly motion that goes straight to my balls, spreading down my spine. “And another dildo for my ass.”

“Dirty boy,” I growl. “Getting your tight hole prepped for me?”

He bobs his head on my cock in answer. I’m on the edge, ready to lose my fucking mind. No blowjob has ever felt this good. Probably because it’s his lips on my cock, his mouth making me moan.

It’s always been River.

“I hate waiting,” he says, popping his mouth off me. “If we were alone, I’d be begging you to fuck me.”

“When I fuck you, you’ll come so many times your dick will go into withdrawal when we’re apart. He’ll need antidepressants to make it through the day.”

River chuckles and abandons my aching cock to suck and bite my stomach. He yanks on my flesh, attacking me like a vampire. I never let women touch me like this. But I want a reminder of every place River has been.

“Trying to give me a hickie?” I bite out, struggling to catch my breath.

He lifts his head and smirks. “What if I am?”

“Go ahead.” I palm his head. “I’m already yours, Riv. Might as well mark me.”

A wicked gleam flashes in his green eyes, and then he sucks on my skin, pulling at it with his teeth. Reddish purple marks scatter across my abdomen. There’s even one below my nipple.

“You’re my new obsession,” I confess. “You have no idea what you’ve done.”

“Hunt me,” he says before enveloping me in his mouth. “I want to be your prey.”

The day we met, I nodded at the target practice poster on the wall above my bed, the center ripped to shreds by my rifle, and said, “You’re either the hunter or the hunted. Which one are you?”

The saying is a family motto passed down by generations of Brooks. And when I’d said it to River, I knew he would become part of my family one day. From the moment I saw River, he was mine.

I throw my legs over River’s shoulders and thrust upward into his mouth. He chokes on my long length, his eyes filled with tears.

“Oh fuck,” I moan, shocked by how fast the force of my orgasm hits me. “Riv, I’m gonna…”

Seconds later, my cum hits the back of his throat, and he stays suctioned to me until he gets every last drop. After my legs stop trembling, River sits up straighter, wiping his mouth with his hand, eyes on me.

“That was even better than I imagined.”

“Yeah, fuck.” I wipe the sweat from my brow. “Tell me about it. Your mouth is magical. It’s the most perfect thing I’ve ever had on me.”

River turned my brain to mush. I’m rambling nonsense. He could probably talk me into anything right now.

I beckon him with my index finger. “Your turn. I need that big dick in my mouth.”

Hovering above me, he stares into my eyes and pushes his cock past my lips. I suck him down my throat in one go, the force of which knocks him off balance.

River squeezes my shoulder to steady himself. “Goddamn, Nate. You’re a natural.”

Sex is easy for me.

I could blame my fucked up childhood or years of sharing girls with River. Or my obsession with porn and need to learn every position possible.

But the truth is I know River.

We are so in sync I don’t need to practice sucking him off to know that he likes it when I hum on his cock. He whimpers when I play with his balls. And he gets even louder when I reach up and pinch his nipples.

No one can satisfy River like me. No one can replace me or how I make him feel. Regardless of what happens, I will always be the first man to make him come. And if I can help it, I will be the last.

As River’s legs shake, his cum fills my mouth. I love his salty yet sweet taste, leaving a hint of him on my tongue to savor.

I pull him onto my lap. River presses his palms to my chest and straddles me, but we’re so big and heavy the chair creaks. The legs might snap if we don’t move.

So, I lift him in my arms and carry him over to my bed. With River beneath me, I plunge my tongue into his mouth, letting him taste himself. He’s hard again and heavy in my hand.

“Can’t get enough of me, can you?”

River peels his lips from mine and smiles. “God, no.”

“If you keep calling me God, I will develop a complex.”

He laughs. “You already have one, you cocky motherfucker.”

“Can you blame me?” I fist my now hard dick. “Look at this body.”

“Oh, I’m looking.” He bites his lip. “I’m having a hard time controlling myself.”

“We can fuck,” I whisper in his ear, my lips warming his earlobe. “I can slide my cock into your tight hole right now and claim your virgin ass.”

“Not with everyone home.”

My tongue travels up and down his neck until he’s moaning in my ear. “You’re not quiet, baby. Imagine how loud you’ll be when I fuck you.”

River grins. “Did you just call me baby?”

“Do you wanna be my baby?”

“No, I want to be your everything.”

I want that, too.

Taking him in my hand, I give him a few pumps. “Do you want to come again?”

“Yes,” he whimpers, thrusting his hips. “Come with me this time.”

River wants me to lead the way. He’s used to me being the dom in the bedroom and waits for me to bark the next instruction.

“Line up your dick with mine,” I say, even though I’m doing the work for him.

I fist our cum-slick dicks with my right hand, but it’s not enough. We’re too big for me to do all the work.

“As I move up from the bottom, you stroke us from the top.”

He does as I say. “Have you been practicing?”

“Nah. Gay porn.”

“You’re not allowed to watch porn,” he says in a stern tone.

“It was for research purposes.”

“Nate,” he groans.

“What? Dr. Swanson doesn’t want me having sex with random girls or engaging in risky behavior. But what we’re doing isn’t just sex.”

His lips part at my confession. “You really think that?”

“I do. This is so much more than sex for me.”

“Me too,” River whispers, his green eyes watery. “You know what this is, Nate?”

“Hmm?”

River rolls his thumb over the tip of my cock, eyes on my face. “This is intimacy. You being vulnerable with me.”

I lean forward and give him a quick peck. “Wrap your legs around me. Hold me and don’t let go.”

With that, River claims my mouth, helping me stroke our cocks up and down at the perfect pace. We know each other’s bodies so well, moving in unison like two perfectly fit puzzle pieces.

I kiss him with my eyes open to watch him unravel, to see him shiver as his orgasm reaches its crescendo. I’m obsessed with the sounds he makes when he comes. And the way his cock jerks every time I nibble on his lip.

My greedy little cock slut growls in my mouth, humping me like a teenage boy trying to get off, using my body to create more friction.

“Tu es à moi,” he whispers between kisses.

He said this to me before, and I never pried out the meaning from him. I couldn’t recall how to say the words, let alone spell them. French was not my favorite subject in high school. You’d think River would have rubbed off on me, but he only speaks it around his family.

I steal my lips from his as we’re about to come. “What does that mean?”

“It means…” He tips his head back, and then his eyes are on me again. “You are mine.”

River’s cum spills onto my abdomen and our hands, and not long after, my cum splashes his stomach.

“I’m yours.” I nuzzle his chin with my nose before trailing over his cheek. “And you’re mine, Riv. All mine.”

“Yes,” he says, huffing out a breath. “Fuck… You own me, Nate.”

We spend a few minutes making out, our sticky, sweaty bodies pressed together. Cradling his cheek, I explore his mouth with my tongue. Kiss his bruised lips. Press my weight down on him, reveling in the feel of his muscles rippling beneath me.

“You’re going to ruin me,” River says after the longest kiss of my life. “And I’m going to enjoy every second.”

I rest my forehead on his and breathe through my nose. “You already ruined me… and we haven’t had sex yet. Wait until you see how crazy obsessed I’m about to become.”

River laughs. “Some obsessions can be healthy… with moderation.”

“I won’t be able to control myself once we fuck. I know it.” Even as I speak, I can feel the need to possess him washing over me. “Get used to me being all over you. Nothing will get rid of me.”

CHAPTER 7

NATE

Kneeling between River’s thighs, I take a mental snapshot of his ripped body laid out before me like a gift. My finger trails over C'est la vie written in black a few inches above his nipple.

“Stop teasing me,” River groans. “I love it when you play with my nipples.”

“What does this tattoo mean to you?”

He glances at the placement of my finger and shrugs. “In English, it roughly translates to that’s life.”

“But what do the words mean to you personally? I never asked you that. Not sure why. But I always wondered.”

“Some things I can’t change.” River sits up, bracing his weight on his elbows. “I can’t change my dad being a homophobic asshole. Or the fact I have to hide who I am to play in the NHL.” He shrugs. “C'est la vie.”

I move to the infinity symbol on his right forearm, woven between vines and other black ink. “This one is my favorite.”

He glances at my matching tattoo and smiles. “Mine too. Best decision I ever made.”

I think he means me.

Maybe he does.

One can hope.

He throws a hand over his mouth and yawns. “What time is it?”

“Way past our bedtime.” I slide off the bed. “I’ll clean us up. Then we need to get some sleep.”

River reaches out, his fingers brushing mine. He smiles up at me like a boy in love.

“I’ll be right back.” I rub my thumb across his lips. “Keep those eyes open for me. I want to kiss you until I fall asleep.”

I creep into the dark hallway, closing the door behind me. My limp dick hangs between my thighs, sticky with cum and River’s saliva. I could use a shower, but it’s too late. The pipes groan when you turn on the water, and my housemates wake up from the obnoxious sound.

So, I do the next best thing and grab a bath towel from the hallway closet. But when I spin around, a wall of man blocks my path.

Fuck.

Waters glares at me, his massive body taking up too much space. I’m a big guy, but he’s a mountain.

“Is this the new way of coming out of the closet?” Waters laughs, his messy, dark hair sticking up from sleep. “The walls are thin, Brooks. You and Rousseau aren’t fooling anyone.”

I feel so exposed, stripped bare, and with no excuse for the noises he—and my teammates—most likely heard coming from my bedroom.

“We were watching porn,” I lie.

He tilts his head to the side, stroking his chin like the villain in a shitty movie. “And the porn stars just so happened to be named River and Nate?”

Damn him.

Too many people are discovering River’s secret. First, the guys from Glitter. Now, Waters. And I guess that makes this my truth.

I have nothing to hide and don’t care what people say about me. But River’s career could quickly derail if the wrong information is leaked to the public.

“Fuck you,” I spit back at him. “I don’t care what you think you heard.”

He snorts. “I heard plenty. Things I wish I could erase from my brain.”

Gritting my teeth, I get in his face. “What the fuck do you want?”

“Some things money can’t buy,” Waters says, turning his back to me. “Rich fuckers like you always think you can throw money at anything.”

I wrap the towel around my waist and shove him from behind, moving toward his bedroom. He steps inside, and I close the door behind me.

“If you speak a word about River or me, I will gut you like a fucking fish and throw the pieces of your mutilated body in the bay.”

His nostrils flare. “I’ve dealt with people like you my entire life. I’m not afraid of you.”

“People like me?”

“Yeah, rich fuckers,” he shoots back. “You come into this town and throw around your money. Try to bully the locals. And, of course, you always get your way because money rules the world. But not this time. You can’t buy me.”

Arms crossed over my chest, I glare at this ignorant motherfucker. “Then, what do you want?”

The oaf plops down on the bed and stretches out his long legs. “For starters, I’d like to not wake up in the middle of the night to you and River sucking each other’s dicks.”

I wave my hand to dismiss him. “Just say what you want so I can get some fucking sleep.”

“I’m failing Financial Accounting. It’s a required class for my major… and I can’t seem to figure it out. Coach is threatening to bench me. And I’ll lose my scholarship if I don’t maintain my GPA.”

I shrug. “So? What do you expect me to do?”

“Your dad has the ear of the dean and the faculty.” Waters lays back on the bed in his boxers, legs crossed at the ankles. “Half this campus has your last name or River’s on it. Make a call. It won’t take much on your part. In return, I won’t tell anyone that you two are fucking homos.”

“I’m not gay,” I grind out.

He sits up and cracks his knuckles and jaw. The sound is gross and sends a shiver down my arms.

“Keep telling yourself that, Brooks. All the puck bunnies you and River drag through this house don’t hide the truth. Everyone on the team talks about your homoerotic sexcapades, but no one but me has the balls to say it to your faces.”

The air drains from my lungs. “Everyone?”

He nods. “Even Coach thinks something’s up with you guys.”

Until recently, I didn’t know I liked men. How could my teammates or coach? I never gave off gay vibes, whatever the fuck that even means. Maybe it was River always staring at me in the shower or those side glances across the room.

Fuck.

I have to protect River. No one can know about us, or he’ll freak the fuck out and do something irrational—like leave me.

Our teammates wouldn’t out him when we’re close to another Frozen Four victory. They need him more than River needs this team. He could have played in the NHL years ago but chose to stay. They will keep his secret for a bit longer.

But Waters… he’s desperate and might do something stupid. I don’t trust him not to fuck with our lives for a payday.

“I’ll get your grade changed,” I tell him, confident my dad can work his usual magic. “And then, we’re even. Got it.”

He bobs his fat head. “Try to keep it down over there. I need my beauty rest.”

The balls on this asshole.

CHAPTER 8

NATE

River falls asleep with his head tucked under my chin, snoring softly on my bare chest. A tiny smile tips up his top lip. He looks so peaceful, unburdened by nightmares and horrific memories. What I wouldn’t give to sleep through the night.

I brush the dark hair off his forehead, wondering if he’s dreaming about me when he mumbles something unintelligible under his breath.

“I love you,” I whisper and kiss his forehead.

He knows how I feel about him. We’ve never been shy about our feelings. But the words have more meaning when I say I love him after all the time we spent exploring each other’s bodies tonight.

My fingers trail down the smooth ridges of his abdomen, a featherlight touch that makes River shiver. I hook my arm around him, close my eyes... and drift to another place.

I hear a dull thump that pulls me from a dream. My bedroom is dark, save for a sliver of light peeking beneath the closed door.

Someone makes a strange noise. A whimper or a cry. It sounds like they are in pain. Then, something hard hits the wall in the spare bedroom.

I jump at the sudden intrusion and slide out of bed. More noises follow me to the door as I peek into the hallway. A woman yells, and I leave my room to investigate the source.

My dad raised me to protect women. He says they’re vulnerable and need strong men to care for them. I like girls. They’re pretty and smell nice.

Most of the girls at school blush when I talk to them. I ask them to borrow pencils just to touch their hands. I like how their skin feels against mine. Sometimes, when our fingers brush, their cheeks get all red.

Another shout pierces the air as I inch toward the room beside mine. Music floats up the stairs. I can’t make out the words, only the steady hum of the bass.

I push open the spare bedroom door and look inside. On the bed lies a naked man with a woman on top of him. Her head bobs up and down his lower half, and I can’t peel my eyes from the woman.

Her caramel brown hair hides her face like a curtain. But when she stops moving and tucks the strands behind her ear, I see her.

Veronica Langdon.

My mother’s best friend.

Like the girls at school, she always smells good. She wears tight dresses and heels and applies a lot of makeup. Her big boobs usually fall out of her tops, and whenever my dad catches me staring, he smirks.

I like it when she looks at me.

And she’s doing it now.

She tosses her long hair over her right shoulder, keeping her eyes on me as she puts the man’s dick in her mouth. A weird sensation blooms in my belly, and I’m starting to harden the longer I watch her.

I should walk away, but I can’t move my feet. Standing in the entryway in my boxers, I reach down and touch myself. Her eyes stay on me, and the man is none the wiser. He moans her name and threads his fingers through her hair, biting out a hiss.

My cock pokes through the slit in my boxers. It’s bigger than all of the boys on my hockey team. I see them in the shower and feel like a freak in comparison. But I’m also taller than them, almost six feet, and the tallest in my class.

Veronica seems impressed. She doesn’t look away when I fist myself in my hand. I want her to suck me into her mouth like the man beneath her, but she’s too old for me.

My dad jokes about me being a cougar chaser. I have no idea what he’s talking about. He thinks he’s funny.

A sound slips from my mouth. The man sits up, about to glance my way when I hide in the hallway. But I stay there, leaning against the wall, dick in my hand, too far gone not to finish. I got my first erection last year and haven’t stopped playing with myself since.

I’m not about to stop now.

He goes back to moaning Veronica’s name. So, I close my eyes and imagine she’s doing that to me, pumping my shaft until I come in my hand.

Later that night, or maybe it was the early morning, Veronica creeps into my bedroom. She kicks off her heels and gets in beside me.

“You like watching me, don’t you, Nathaniel?”I pretend to sleep, afraid to get in trouble if I answer.

She kisses my forehead. “My sweet boy. I will teach you.”

Her perfume fills my nostrils as her hair sweeps across my forehead. Still playing dead, I press my cheek to the pillow. Her lips ghost my forehead again, and her long fingernails run down my arm.

“Sleep, my darling,” she whispers. “I’ll come back for you tomorrow night.”

I wake up to the alarm clock blaring in my ears, shooting up from the mattress as if it’s on fire. My heart races so fast I can’t catch my breath.

“Nate,” River says, concern dripping from his tone.

He puts his hand on my knee, and the simple touch helps to calm my nerves.

“It was my fault,” I tell him. “I provoked her.”

River hooks an arm around me and sighs. “No, it wasn’t. You were a kid. She knew better and did it anyway.”

“I dreamed of the night it all started,” I confess, my voice shaking. “I went into that room. I jerked off in front of her. I stood there and watched her suck that guy’s dick and liked it.”

“That doesn’t excuse her actions, Nate.” River climbs onto my lap and straddles me, holding my head to his chest. “She was old enough to know right from wrong. A normal adult would have flipped out when they saw you watching. Veronica let you stay. She chose to wake you up and hurt you.”

“I wanted her, though.” Tears leak from my eyes and onto his skin. “Doesn’t that make a difference?”

“No,” he says with confidence. “She took advantage of you. That bitch made you do things you shouldn’t have been forced to do at any age.”

I tip my head back to look at him. “I’m broken. You should probably call it quits before I fuck you up too.”

He squeezes me tighter, shaking his head. “You’re not sabotaging something good because of her.”

“I fuck everything up, Riv. I don’t know how to have a normal relationship. Except for our friendship, my relationship with Veronica was the longest I’ve ever had… and it wasn’t by choice.”

The mystery and excitement wore off after the first few times with Veronica. I quickly realized what my mother’s best friend was doing to me was not normal behavior for an adult.

At all hours, she would wake me, wrists strapped to the headboard when I stopped being compliant. She even gagged me the few times I screamed. No one heard me over the music playing downstairs.

So, I stopped yelling for my parents. I couldn’t breathe with that thing covering my mouth. If I followed the rules, she took it off. And if I were a good boy, she wouldn’t bind my ankles to the footboard.

“We’re seeing Dr. Swanson this afternoon.” River runs his fingers down my back, ignoring the sweat matting my skin. “You’re safe now, Nate. Nothing bad will happen. I promise.”

Overcome by all the emotions swirling in my chest, I pull his mouth to mine. His lips part for me, eager and ready. River’s legs wrap around me like a koala. So damn clingy. But I love it when he attaches himself to me.

I’m never letting him go.

“Nate,” he whispers between kisses. “We’re gonna be late for class.”

“Don’t care.”

I rock us forward, moving River onto his back, and rut my hard cock against his stomach. River’s legs fold around me again as my lips assault his.

He moans into my mouth and pulls away. “My professor takes off grade points if we’re late. I’d love to stay here and make out with you all day, but…”

I sink back on my heels and gaze at the beautiful man beneath me.

My god, I love him.

He’s perfect, not a hair out of place after sleeping for hours.

“If we leave soon, we can eat breakfast at Kingston Brew.”

My stomach growls, and I rub my hand over my abs. “I could go for a bagel sandwich.”

River sits up and gives me another kiss. “It’s my turn to pay.”

I slide off the bed and extend my hand. “This is technically our first date. I’d be a dick if I let you pay.”

He gets up with a groan. “We’re not having our first date at Kingston Brew. And we can take turns with the bill. You don’t need to get all alpha on me.”

“It’s just…” I shrug, not sure how else to say what comes next. “I’m used to taking care of women. And well, you’re not.”

He moves his hands to my waist and quickly kisses my lips. “We can figure it out later.”

After I part ways with River at the coffee shop, I head to the other side of the campus. Legal Research is one of the few classes we don’t share. And since I haven’t told him about my deal with Waters, I pull out my cell phone and call my dad.

The line rings twice before he answers.

“Dad, I need your help.”

He snorts into the receiver. “You yelled at me. Hung up on me. Refused my calls. Now, you need me to bail you out of another mess?”

Slinging my backpack over my shoulder, I dodge a group of loud students and sigh. “Technically, I need you to help one of my teammates. So, will you?”

“Who?” Dad growls. “River?”

“No, Jimmy Waters,” I say, covering my mouth as I speak, paranoid someone will overhear.

“Why? What did you do?”

“Does it matter?”

“Yes,” he shouts.

With a few minutes to spare, I sit on the bench outside the lecture hall and take a sip of my latte.

“He has a sex tape of us,” I lie, hoping that will do the trick.

A beat passes before he says, “Not this shit again. What does Jimmy Waters want from you?”

“A passing grade in Financial Accounting. He’s failing the class and will lose his scholarship and spot on the team.”

“One more fuck up like this, and I’ll pull you from that school,” he drawls. “I will personally come to Connecticut, gag and hogtie you, and drag your ass back to the ranch.”

So fucking dramatic.

I hold back a laugh because I’d love to see him try. We’re the same height, but I have an extra fifty pounds of muscle. One hit and I would have him on the floor crying.

“Can you make this happen or what?”

“Yes,” he bites out. “But if I do this, you’ll spend the summer at home.”

“What?” I protest. “Fuck, no. I’m going with River to The Hamptons.”

My father laughs. “River won’t be home to get drunk and make sex tapes with you. He’ll be preparing for his next NHL season.”

“Next? He hasn’t signed with anyone yet.”

“River’s meeting with NHL teams over the Thanksgiving break,” he says as if it’s a fact. “Ryan told me the last time we spoke. He’s very proud of River. Wish I could say the same about you.”

I grip the coffee cup so tightly the lid pops off, falling onto the bench. If I don’t shut my mouth and agree to his terms, Waters will ruin River’s career. He can’t be a gay hockey player. Not with all the bigoted assholes out there.

“Fine,” I agree, even though it’s a lie. “I’ll come home this summer if you fix Waters’ grade.”

“I’ll get it changed by the day’s end,” he says, his tone smug and victorious. “And no more fuck-ups, boy, or I will disown you.”

I groan. “I’ll be on my best behavior.”

“I know the author’s identity,” Dad says in a nasty tone. “Does the name Sofia Daly ring any bells?”

“Not even the slightest.”

“The lawyers don’t have an NDA for this girl. I have my PI looking into her. I just sent you an image.”

My phone beeps with a new text message. When I open it, I gasp. Her New York driver’s license image shows the same heart-shaped face, button nose, and long, blonde hair that mirrors Samantha’s.

Except it’s Sofia Daly.

“That lying bitch,” I hiss, teeth gritted. “Yes, I know her. She said her name is Samantha Donovan. She signed an NDA this summer.”

Thank god I deleted those videos from her cell phone. But she knows my other secret, and now everything I thought was covered under the non-disclosure agreement is void.

Dad lets out an agitated breath into the receiver. “I’ll deal with it. Don’t do anything stupid. Don’t call or approach that girl. Get to class. Your mother and I will see you at Thanksgiving. We’re staying at Ryan’s house for the weekend.”

I rise from the bench, annoyed and late for class. “I’ll see you then.”

“Say thank you,” he demands. “Where are your manners, boy? I raised you right.”

Kids with shitty parents should get the opportunity to choose new ones when they’re old enough to make sound decisions.

“Thank you, sir.” I open the door to the lecture hall, allowing a few girls to enter ahead of me. “Good-fucking-bye.”

After I hang up, I turn around and go home. Samantha—I mean Sofia—cuts me deep with her betrayal, but I’m angrier with River.

He hid the truth from me.

How could he accept meetings with NHL teams and not tell me? I bared myself to River last night. And I just saved his ass from being exposed by Waters.

How could he keep this from me?

You know why, the voice in my head whispers.

He doesn’t love you.

No one does.

He will leave you.

You’re not good enough.

No, I’m not. I’m never enough for anyone, including my fucking father. If the man who gave me life doesn’t love me, why would River?

CHAPTER 9

RIVER

Nate has been distant all day. Even during class, he turns his body away from me, shifting in his seat uncomfortably. By the time we arrive for therapy, he’s barely said more than a few words.

I park in the garage and grab his arm as he tries to flee the car. “Nate, talk to me. What’s going on?”

“Nothing.” He shoves my hand off his forearm and opens the door. “Let’s just get this shit over with.”

As we walk toward the elevator, I reach for his hand, but he steps out of my grasp. My heart sinks to my stomach like an anchor hitting the ocean floor.

He regrets last night.

Nate does his best to avoid me, head slung low on our way to the doctor’s office. I don’t bother to press him for information. Dr. Swanson will get it out of him during our session.

We sit in the waiting room, Nate tapping his foot on the floor, drumming his fingers on his knee. I hate the silence. It clings to the air like fog, creating a barrier between us.

When Dr. Swanson calls us into her office, Nate rushes past me and the doctor without saying a word. Nerves slither down my spine, the fear of losing him settling deep in my bones.

“Are you okay, Nate?” Dr. Swanson asks.

“Fine,” he grunts.

Nate plops onto the couch, repeating the same annoying motions from the waiting room. All of his tapping gives me a headache.

This morning, he woke up from a nightmare, reminded of his past. I held him and promised it would be okay. But trauma survivors never forget. The flashback takes on a life of its own. If I had to relive the worst moments of my life nightly, I would never sleep.

Dr. Swanson sits a fabric armchair across from us, legs crossed. “Do you want to talk about what’s bothering you?”

“No,” Nate spits back.

“Did something happen today?”

Nate shakes his head, arms folded over his chest. He stares blankly at the wall.

“He woke up from a nightmare of his first interaction with Veronica,” I tell the doctor.

Dr. Swanson nods, lips pressed into a thin line. She has the best poker face, devoid of any emotion. I guess it’s her job to remain impartial, to listen without judgment, and to offer advice.

“Flashbacks and night terrors are a result of your brain trying to process the trauma. Do you take anything to help you sleep?”

“No,” Nate grunts.

“He doesn’t sleep well,” I explain. “Most nights, Nate ends up in my bed because of his nightmares.”

Dr. Swanson grabs a small pad from the table beside her and scribbles on it. “I’m writing you a prescription for an antidepressant that might help you sleep better.”

“Don’t bother,” Nate hisses, rolling his eyes. “It won’t fucking work anyway. Nothing ever does.”

I slide across the couch and put my hand on his knee. His leg jumps at the sudden contact, knocking my hand to the cushion.

“Nate, please. You haven’t talked to me since breakfast. What’s going on? Did I do something? Did you not like what we did last night?”

His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows.

“What happened last night?” Dr. Swanson says in a soft tone.

“Nothing,” Nate lies.

“We almost had sex,” I tell her, shifting my gaze to Dr. Swanson. “And until this morning, I thought we were going to explore having a relationship, but now… I don’t know what I did to upset him.”

The vein in my neck pulses as my heart rate picks up. Not knowing where we stand kills me.

“You lied to me,” Nate says after an awkward pause. “I fucking trusted you, River.”

I want to touch him again, but I don’t want to upset him further, and keep my hands on my lap. “What did I do? I’m not a mind reader.”

His head snaps to me, a single tear streaming down his cheek. “You made plans to meet with NHL teams during the Thanksgiving break and never told me. I had to hear it from my dad this morning. He was so fucking smug about it, too. Why did he know before me? Hmmm? Why, River? We tell each other everything.”

“Because I knew you’d react this way,” I say to defend myself. “I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“Too late.” Nate leans forward, elbows resting on his knees, and puts his hands over his face. “Why did you talk me into doing that with you… if you were just going to leave me anyway? You’re no different from everyone else.”

His words slice into my chest, a deep wound that aches as I breathe.

How do I respond?

Playing for an NHL team has been my goal for years, the inevitable evolution of my hockey career. Nate understood this long before we kissed.

“That’s not true.” I angle my body to face him and suck in a deep breath, blowing it out through my nose to calm my anxiety. “I’m not trying to get rid of you, Nate. I want to be with you.”

He looks up, his golden-brown eyes red-rimmed and glassy. “I gave you everything. And you don’t even trust me. How is this ever going to work?”

“You’re just making excuses for why we can’t be together because you’re scared.”

He swipes his thumb beneath his eye to capture another tear. “What happened to waiting until you graduate to talk to teams? We made plans.”

I roll my shoulders against the soft cushion. “My dad pressured me into setting up the meetings. He said they won’t wait forever, and he’s right. I already turned down three teams to play for KU.”

“Yeah, I get that.” Nate glides his fingers through his blond hair and sighs. “But you should have told me. I made a deal with the devil to save you… and you didn’t think enough of me to tell me the truth.”

My eyes narrow at him. “What deal?”

“Waters overheard us last night. He threatened to expose us if I didn’t get my dad to fix his grade. Now, I have to spend the summer on the ranch. And I can’t… I can’t back out, but I did it for you because I don’t want you to lose your shot at the NHL. I hate going home. But I wanted to save you.” He scrubs a hand at his clenched jaw. “And you thought nothing about me. You made that decision without speaking to me.”

“If you care about me,” I say, my voice shaking, “you won’t ask me to give up my dream.”

“I don’t want you to, nor think you should. I’m not worth it anyway.”

I clutch his cheek and force him to look into my eyes. “You are everything. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. I meant every word I said last night.”

“Don’t you see? It will always be this way. You should go. Run while you still can.”

We stare into each other’s eyes, lost in the moment until Dr. Swanson pulls us back to the present. “Nate, can we discuss the new development in your relationship with River?”

I had forgotten she was in the room, wrapped up in our intense conversation. We could have gone on for hours.

Nate doesn’t respond, too focused on me.

“Would that be okay?”

He sits straighter and weaves his fingers between mine, holding our joined hands on his knee. “I guess.”

“Last night, we took the first step toward being together,” I say since Nate is not in the mood. “I know Nate isn’t supposed to have sex, but he’s been doing well. He writes in the journal and has been controlling his urges. Neither of us has had sex since our last night with Samantha.”

“That’s good,” she comments. “Is the journal helping you, Nate?”

He bobs his head. “That’s how I figured out for sure that I like River as more than a friend. But I’m still pretty confused.”

“Confused how?”

“With my sexuality,” he admits, biting his bottom lip. “We went to a gay club last night. I liked it, which is weird. I’d never thought about other men… until I started noticing how much I liked seeing River naked.”

Dr. Swanson clutches a notepad on her lap. “It’s normal for people your age to start questioning their sexuality.”

“Yeah, I get that. I did a lot of research online.” Nate taps his foot, moving our hands in the process. “River doesn’t want to have sex with women anymore. I don’t know if I can promise never to want a woman again. And I’m afraid he’ll hate me if I change my mind.”

Herein lies the reason I hesitated to go all the way with Nate. Despite his feelings for me, Nate enjoys women too much to give them up.

Could I fuck women for him?

I have done it for years, using Nate and random women to hide my sexuality. But I don’t want to be his secret while he parades girls in and out of our lives.

“I can’t tell you what to do where River is concerned,” Dr. Swanson says. “Nor can I help you figure out your sexual orientation. However, I can help you work through the emotions you’re currently experiencing.”

Nate’s sad, brown eyes laser focus on me. “I’m fucking this up.”

“No, you’re not.”

“I can’t promise you anything, Riv. I don’t even know what I want.”

“It’s okay.”

I wish he were sure about us, but Nate has to figure this out on his own.

He sighs deeply. “I will hurt you.”

“You’re not giving us a chance. I went into this knowing you’re not gay. But I will take a chance and see where it goes.”

“Promise you’ll never lie to me or withhold information. I can’t handle you keeping secrets.”

I consider pointing out that he conveniently forgot to tell me about our roommate blackmailing him, but I hold my tongue. Nate is in a vulnerable place, seconds from falling apart. If I say the wrong thing, I could lose him.

“I promise.”

Our session continues with Dr. Swanson explaining Nate’s sexual impulses and helping us understand how to deal with them. He even lets me read his journal, which makes me smile because he writes about me daily. We’re on the path to moving forward, yet a small part of me wonders if our relationship has longevity.

Only time will tell.

After scheduling our next appointment, we step onto the elevator.

Nate stands beside me, his fingers brushing mine, staring at the floor numbers ticking down. “I’m sorry,” he mutters. “I overreacted.”

I grab his hand as the doors open into the garage and pull him toward my car. “I want you to choose me, but I know you’re not ready to commit to anything serious.”

Nate lets out a deep breath. “Why can’t we go back to the way things were but fuck each other?”

“That’s not a future for us or the women we involve. And it’s not fair to keep bringing other people into our lives only to get rid of them.” I stop at my car and click the keyfob to open the doors. “Have you considered that you get sick of women because they’re not satisfying your needs?”

Nate stuffs his hands into his pockets and shrugs. “I don’t know. Maybe. But how do you explain why I like pussy so much?”

“You like sex,” I point out. “You like the act of sticking your dick in a tight hole. Last I checked, you didn’t even like going down on girls.”

“Meh. It’s messy. They don’t taste like…” He stares at my lips. “Like you.”

“You love anal,” I remind him because I want him so badly it hurts that he’s not one hundred percent sure about me. “Sometimes, I think you like it more than pussy.”

Nate considers my words and bobs his head. “I like the tightness. It feels so good.”

Propping my hip against my car door, I hold his gaze. “Tell me what a woman can give you that I can’t.”

CHAPTER 10

NATE

Tell me what a woman can give you that I can’t.

I mull over River’s words, letting them sink into my brain. For months, I fought the attraction between us, the obsessive need to be near him. It’s always been this way with us. Never a push-pull. The two of us yank so hard on the strings tethering us, seconds from colliding, our paths on an inevitable crash course.

River props his hip against his car door, holding my gaze. He bites his lip, patient as usual, with a look of fear scrolling his face. The look says, please don’t break me or my heart. But to do so would shatter my own heart to pieces.

I hook my arms around his neck and pin his back to the car window. He sucks in a sharp breath, still waiting for me to give him the answer he wants to hear.

Our foreheads touch as I lean closer and let our lips brush.

“Nothing,” I say because it’s true.

There is nothing a woman can give me that River can’t. If anything, he can give me more.

His lips part, about to speak, but I claim his mouth with a kiss that could start a war. Holding him against the car, I rock my hips, rubbing our hard cocks together.

My heart beats faster for him. It always did and probably always will.

I find the hem of his shirt and dip my hands beneath the soft fabric, needing the skin-to-skin connection to calm my racing heart. While my hands explore his chiseled abs, he shoves his fingers through my hair and tugs at the ends.

River doesn’t understand I will never let him go. Since the day we met, he was it for me. Back then, I didn’t know how I would need him, only that he would be mine forever.

River moans into my mouth and throws his leg around me, kissing me like he wants to devour me.

This isn’t just a kiss.

He’s claiming me.

“Tu es à moi,” River says between kisses, breathless as he mutters, “Je suis à vous.”

I love it when he speaks French to me. The words sound sexier when he says them, but I have no idea what they mean.

This time, I need to know.

I steal my lips from his and smile, a real one that activates every muscle in my face. “Say it again, this time in English.”

“You are mine,” he says in that deep, primal tone that fills my veins with fire, his green eyes laser-focused on me. I am yours.”

A flush of heat spreads from my cheeks to my toes, filling me from the inside out. River is not just mine—he’s everything. He’s the reason I open my eyes in the morning, the reason I kept going during my darkest days. River breathed life back into me when I had nothing.

My cheeks hurt from the grin tugging at my mouth. I kiss his right cheek, then his left, and press another to his nose. “Fuck, you’re hot. How did I not notice it sooner?”

He smiles. “Because you had your head up your ass.”

“Give me your keys. I’ll drive us home.”

River stuffs the keys into my palm.

I steer him around to the passenger side and open the door, tapping his ass. “Get in. I’m taking you to dinner.”

River’s eyes light up. “Like a date?”

I roll my shoulders. “Sure, if you wanna call it that. We’ve eaten thousands of meals together.”

“Yeah, but this is different.” He sucks my bottom lip into his mouth and sighs. “We’re not just friends anymore.”

After last night, we’re far from it. There’s no returning to what we had before crossing the line.

“Which is good for me.” I palm his sweet ass in my hands. “I don’t fuck my friends.”

River laughs, and I love seeing his face illuminate after seeing him so damn miserable. “I’m your only friend, Nate. You’ve never had anyone else.”

“Didn’t need them. I had you.”

“You will always have me.” He moans as our lips collide. “I’m unsure about a lot of things, but not you. Never you.”

I give him a quick kiss. “Ditto.”

River gets comfortable in the passenger seat as I start the engine. He watches me the way he always does. Even as a boy, he stared at me as if I had all the answers.

“I have one more secret,” I confess as we exit the parking garage. “Samantha lied about her name. Her real name is Sofia Daly. The author of the book.”

River gasps. “Are you… what the fuck? Are you kidding me?”

I shake my head. “My dad sent me her picture earlier.”

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“I was mad at you.”

“Well, I deserved to know. We were… Fuck, we trusted her. We just walked out of her dorm, thinking we were okay because… Wait, is the NDA still valid?”

“Technically, it’s not illegal to sign an NDA using an alias. But in this case, I think the contract might be void. My dad and his lawyers are handling it.”

River scratches his neck and groans, “Fuck. She knows about us, Nate. We didn’t lie when she asked us if we were together because we thought the conversation was legally binding.”

“I’m sorry.” I put my hand on his knee to comfort him. “Try not to get too upset until we know for sure. My dad always finds a way to get what he wants.”

“I have to sign with a team,” he says, chest rising and falling faster, struggling to catch his breath. “I know you don’t want me to… But I have to do this before anyone finds out I’m gay. You saw the big deal the NHL made about Pride tape and jerseys. They’re not ready to accept gay men into the sport.”

While I know he’s right, I doubt they would reject River. He’s too good not to notice. Too good not to play professionally.

When River is on the ice, he’s in his element. He needs hockey. It has never been about the money or fame. My best friend was born to be a star and even better than his father. Denying him a spot in the NHL because of his sexuality would be a crime.

I think about what my father would do and how he would respond to threats. No matter what, he’s always calm and confident. He never shows any weakness.

When I was a boy, Dad handed me a rifle and said, “You’re either the hunter or the hunted, Nathaniel.”

So I fired the rifle.

I always shoot first.

River stares at me like he’s expecting me to make this easier for him—because I usually do. I promised to keep him safe, to protect him from our enemies because he’s mine.

“We’re the hunters,” I say with a smile, holding his hand.

He nods. “Never the hunted.”

CHAPTER 11

RIVER

On the ride to the hotel, I barely speak more than a few words. I can’t stop thinking about losing my anal virginity to Nate, worrying about every damn thing.

How much will it hurt?

What if Nate hates it?

What if I hate it?

My fingers and the dildo feel good inside me, but Nate is massive. He’s not only long but thick and heavy in my hand. Taking all of him in my mouth is always a challenge.

Anything I do with Nate will be an out-of-body experience, but we’re both inexperienced in this area and so fucking nervous.

Nate taps his fingers on the steering wheel to a rock beat, the music blasting through the speakers. He keeps his other hand on my thigh, only moving it to shift gears. He inches closer to my aching cock, a smirk on his handsome face.

With each inch, he tortures me. The asshole even laughs when he parks at The Waterford.

Once inside the lobby, I take in the lavish decor, rolling my small suitcase across the white marble floor. My heart beats faster as Nate gives his name at the front desk. Pretty soon, we’ll be fucking for the first time in the penthouse suite.

I’m okay.

I can do this.

Why am I so nervous?

Nate pays for the room. A pretty redheaded woman hands him two digital keys, and he rewards her with one of his sly grins and a wink.

A bundle of nerves, I step onto the elevator beside Nate. He waves the keycard in front of the reader and hits the P button. My pulse pounds as the car ascends.

Nate must sense my unease because his fingers slip between mine. “We can go as fast or slow as you want, Riv. You tell me what feels good and if you like it. Just remember you’re in control tonight, okay?”

Nate wants to top, which is okay with me because I want him inside me. After handing over so much control to Veronica as a kid, he needs to have power in sexual situations. But tonight, he’s giving some of it to me. I get to dictate what happens.

“I want you to fuck me.” I lick my lips. “It’s all I have ever wanted.”

He cups my cheek and smiles. “I’ll make you feel good.”

“You always do.”

The doors open into an expansive foyer decorated in tasteful shades of white and gray. There’s a full eat-in kitchen, a massive living room, and several doors, one of which is the master bedroom. French doors lead to an expansive balcony overlooking the bay. Even with the doors closed, I can smell the saltiness of the sea. It permeates every inch of this small town.

We leave our bags by the walk-in closet and stand on the balcony, listening to the slow-moving water. Our fingers brush once more, and Nate takes his hand in mine.

“Don’t be nervous,” he says in a deep but calm tone. “I’ll take care of you.”

“I know.” I squeeze his hand. “I’m just wondering how much this will change us.”

Nate drops my hand and moves behind me, hands on my hips, his hard cock digging into my ass. “Nothing has to change. We’ll still be us. I’m not going anywhere if that’s what you’re freaking out about.”

“Could you be with me? You know, just us. Like this. Forever.” My cheeks flush the second the words leave my mouth. “I mean⁠—”

“Forever? Yeah.” He bends down to suck on my neck. “I’ll never leave you.”

“What about women? You’d give them up for me?”

“I don’t think of it that way,” he says against the shell of my ear. “If I were to date a woman, I wouldn’t think of it as giving up men to be with her. So, why would it be any different with you?”

He has a good point.

Nate licks the length of my neck. “Do you want to keep talking about this… or would you rather play with the toys you packed?”

“The toys,” I mutter as he sucks on my skin.

I’m putty in his hands, ready for him to mold me. Tilting my head to the side, he bites my skin, letting his teeth graze over my warm flesh.

“I want to mark you.” Nate sinks his teeth in deeper this time. “Claim you. I want everyone to know you’re mine.”

I wanted a relationship with my best friend from the start. He’s the love of my life, the one person who always has my back. In his arms, I feel complete.

I expose my neck to him. “Claim me, Nate. Take what’s always been yours.”

He nibbles on my flesh and growls in my ear, “Fuck, you drive me crazy. What are you doing to me?”

Like a hungry lion, he drags me into the hotel room and slams the balcony doors. He rips off my shirt and pants and then slides my boxer briefs down my thighs. I kick them off, and Nate’s on his knees, tongue rolling over the head of my hard cock.

He peeks up at me, a wicked look in his eyes, and sucks the tip into his mouth. Just a few inches, enough to tease me, and then pulls back.

“I love how you taste.” His nose nuzzles my groin as he sniffs me in such a primal way it’s intoxicating. “How you smell.”

Finally, he’s mine.

Nate stands and lowers me to the California king mattress. I fall backward on the bed and spread my legs, stroking my cock. I’m so painfully hard pre-cum leaks from the tip.

Liking what he sees, Nate removes his shirt with a greedy look in his eyes and tosses it onto the hardwood floor. Next, he works his pants past his hips and lets them drop to his ankles.

I reach for the waistband of his Dolce boxer briefs, and he swats at my hand.

“Don’t tease me,” I choke out. “I want you. Right fucking now.”

Nate waggles his eyebrows and ditches the boxer briefs, revealing his impressive cock.

“Is this what you want?”

Giving himself a few strokes, he stares at my mouth.

I bob my head, lips parted.

Nate smirks. “You’re such a cock slut.”

I’m the biggest whore.

Toned to perfection, muscles ripple down his arms, chest, and thighs. As he stands in front of me, I grab his thick ass and dig my fingers into his flesh. Nate spends as much time in the gym as I do, and it shows.

I breathe in his soap and cologne and close my eyes. But beneath his usual smell, there’s something else. A scent that is all-natural, specific to Nate.

His fingers weave through my hair, his hand pushing my head closer to his leaking cock. Nate rocks his hips, and his tip breaches my lips.

“I need your mouth on me, Riv.”

His words turn me feral. Nate wants to mark me. Claim me. And I want to be his. I want him to be mine, too.

The overwhelming need to possess him claws at my insides, and I can no longer resist his scent and touch.

Gripping his hips, I kiss the skin below his belly button. He moans as my lips trail lower. I wrap my hand around his shaft and suck him into my mouth, timing my movements to get the perfect response from Nate.

As I draw back and roll my tongue, Nate says, “Fuck, why are you so good at that?”

He yanks on my short hair, forcing me to look up at him. His legs shake, and I feel his tremors course through me.

“You feel so good, Riv. Don’t stop until I tell you.”

At first, he takes it slow, letting me dictate the pace. But when his grip on my hair tightens, so does the intensity at which he fucks my face. He’s so big my cheeks puff out. Even my jaw hurts.

As the first tears stream down my cheek, he pulls out of my mouth.

“That’s a good boy.” His thumb brushes my wet, bruised lips. “You suck me so well. Let’s see what else you can handle.”

“You didn’t come.”

“I want to come inside you.”

He tackles me to the mattress, his arms pinning me down. Not like I’m going anywhere. The hotel could be set on fire, and I wouldn’t move a muscle.

Nate straddles my thighs and kisses my lips. As our tongues tangle, I get lost in him, forgetting my name, not wanting this night to end.

“You’re so hot,” he says between kisses. “And so hard for me.”

I sit up and peck his lips, desperate for more of him. He kisses me back, fingers tugging at the ends of my short hair.

He reaches between us and fists my cock. “Who did this to you?”

“You did, you smug bastard.”

Nate sucks on my lip, and I bite his. We’re teasing each other, rubbing our dicks together. I’m so drunk on him that my vision blurs, the need for an orgasm commanding control of my body.

“I need you,” I say between kisses. “Fuck me. Now.”

He waggles his eyebrows, giving the cutest smile. “I wanna play with your toys first.”

I watch as he hops off the bed, digs through my suitcase, and returns with a square bag. For months, I’ve been working up the nerve to go all the way, building up an arsenal of toys.

“What did my dirty little cock slut bring for us?” Nate says as he unzips the bag on the bed. “Hmmm… Could it be the dildo you fuck yourself with? Or the one you suck to practice for me? Oh, what’s this?” He holds up a butt plug and sets it on the bed. “Kinky. Have you ever worn this outside the bedroom?”

I shake my head.

“We need to change that.” A wicked glare flashes in his golden-brown eyes as he raises a pair of nipple clamps. “I bet you like these. You love it when I bite your nipples.”

“Yeah, I do.”

Every cell in my body hums in anticipation. Knowing Nate, he’s going to make me beg to come. He’s a bit of a dom in the bedroom. With women, he barks out orders, expecting them to follow his commands.

Luckily for him, I have no limits.

Nate kneels on the bed, clutching the dildo I fuck when the house is silent. The first few times, it hurt like hell. But with enough lube and finding the right angle, it started sliding in easier.

Nate knocks my legs apart with his knee. I spread them wider, eager to feel him everywhere. The anticipation alone is killing me, setting my skin on fire.

“I don’t want to hurt you.” He grabs the bottle of lube and rubs the gel up and down the dildo. “Is there something you need me to do first?”

I shake my head. “Just go slow. Don’t force it.”

He licks his lips and pushes a wet finger inside me. His eyes light up as he watches his finger glide in and out, a painfully delicious torture that has me whimpering.

My eyelids flutter as I look up at him. “Fuck…”

“This doesn’t hurt you?”

“It stings at first,” I admit, moving my body to get more. “But worth it. The sensation alone is unlike anything I have ever experienced.”

He works another finger into me, and I let out a hiss. My eyes close for a second, then snap open.

“Do you think I would like it?” Nate pushes my knees to my chest and stretches out my insides, moving three fingers in and out slowly.

“I can’t answer that. You would have to try it.”

“So, I don’t have to reciprocate?”

He’s so cute when he’s flustered. It brings a smile to my face.

“Not if your partner likes bottoming.”

“And you do?”

I nod. “I love it.”

“Oh.” He seems confused but at ease, his shoulders less tense. “I’m good with that.”

“If you ever want to try it, we can.”

“Yeah, maybe.” His eyes meet mine, and there’s a shift in his expression. “I don’t like…”

His words trail off, and I know what he’s thinking. He feels like he gave up his power with Veronica and isn’t ready. I understand. I’m the one who glued all of his broken pieces together.

“I know, Nate,” I say when he starts breathing harder, his mind wandering to another place. “It’s okay. Don’t go there, okay?” I put my hand on his racing heart to calm his nerves. “Stay here with me. I won’t hurt you. I promise. It’s just you and me in this room.”

He blows out a breath of air and nods. “Yeah. You and me. River and Nate.”

“Put the dildo in me,” I order to bring his focus back to the present. “Open me up for you.”

A flicker of excitement washes over his face. Nate removes his fingers, and my body aches at the sudden loss. But he quickly lubes up the toy and inches it into my hole.

“Fuck, you’re so tight.” He licks his lips and stares at the dildo, jerking his shaft. “I need to be inside you.”

Bracing my weight on my elbows, I sit up and revel in the feeling. “It’s time, Nate. Fuck me. Fuck me so good I can’t remember my name.”

CHAPTER 12

NATE

I have never been nervous about sex. Well, that’s not entirely true. During the darkest days with Veronica, I feared sleep. I dreaded she would come for me. But with other women, I always exuded confidence.

I knew what to do because I learned from a world-class whore how to fuck. Yet, everything is different with River.

Kneeling between his spread thighs, I withdraw the dildo, holding his gaze. He watches as my chest rises and falls faster and notes the hesitation that must be written on my face.

River leans back on his elbows. “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t want to fuck this up,” I confess, feeling stupid for saying the words aloud. “You mean too much to me, Riv. I can’t lose you.”

“Please just fuck me, Nate.” He grips my hips and yanks me closer, expelling a deep breath. “Until you do, you won’t know if you can commit to me.”

“Are you kidding?” I laugh, shaking my head. “You’re all I think about it. It’s always been you.”

“Bullshit,” River challenges. “This was one-sided for years.”

“Really? Has it been, though?” I put my hands on each side of his body and cage him against the mattress. “Do you remember the first time we jerked off together?”

He nods. “How could I forget? I knew that night something was different about me. I didn’t want to look at the girl on your screen, not when I had your perfect dick right there.”

The memory floods my brain, and for a moment, I am instantly transported to ten years ago. We were twelve and figuring out how our dicks worked.

I learned a lot from Veronica, but everything felt new and different with River. It was my chance to start over. He was mine the second I laid eyes on him.

I just knew.

Curiosity had gotten the best of me. And deep down, I knew River wasn’t asleep yet. A part of me wanted him to climb into my bed, sit beside me, and take out his dick. And he did, just like I had wanted.

“I’ve been thinking about that night a lot lately.” Running my fingers over his smooth chest, I say, “Why didn’t I think my behavior was weird? It never occurred to me that two straight men wouldn’t masturbate together. And it should have, right?”

River blinks, mouth shut, waiting for me to continue.

“I only saw you. From the moment we met, I was drawn to you. The hunter in me saw what he wanted and went after it.”

A long moment of silence sweeps over the room. I can see the internal debate playing across River’s face. He wants to believe me, but something is stopping him.

“What about all the girls you fucked? The ones we fucked together? You like women, Nate.”

“Do I? I mean, look at how I treat them. Like bodies to use and discard. I never gave a damn about a single woman I have ever fucked.”

“You liked Samantha,” he challenges. “It was so obvious you did.”

I shrug. “She was down for anything and didn’t care what we did to her. I liked fucking her. That means nothing.”

“You like women. It’s okay. You don’t have to be gay for us to be together.”

While I’m well aware, I have doubts about my sexuality. Every time I buried my cock in a girl, I did so to erase Veronica from my mind. They were stand-ins for her. A way for me to regain control of my fucked-up life.

Did I even like it?

River was always in the room with me, but I couldn’t get hard once I was alone with Samantha. My entire body froze up.

“I’ve never had a girlfriend,” I tell him, meeting his gaze. “I run whenever women get too close to me. None of those girls were my endgame. You are.”

Leaning forward, I take his bottom lip into my mouth and suck. Whenever I touch River, he bends to my will like clay for me to mold. He shifts beneath me, his cock brushing mine. I take him in my hand, and he moans into my mouth, deepening the kiss.

As our lips separate, River slides his hands over my abs. A shiver rolls down my arms, the sensation going straight to my cock.

“If you don’t fuck me, I will die.”

“That’s not possible,” I say with a cocky grin. “You can’t die from lack of orgasms.”

He flicks his tongue over my nipple, eyes on me. “No more talking. I need your big cock in my ass.”

I slip my hand beneath his chin. “This is real, Riv. You and me.”

He nods. “I know you love me. And it’s okay if you wake up tomorrow and realize I’m not enough. Just give me tonight.” River hooks his arms around me. “I want one perfect night with you.”

My heart races at his confession, and my mouth suddenly feels too dry. One perfect night means I have to be perfect. How can I be? I’ve never had sex with a man before. This might suck for him and send him running out the door.

Our friendship is on the line.

And so are our hearts.

With a shaky hand, I flip open the lube and glide it down my shaft, eying up River’s hole. I fight the nerves slithering down my back, arms, and legs. If River notices, he doesn’t say anything.

Every man is anxious the first time he has sex. While I’ve been with plenty of beautiful women, I have yet to experience anal with a man. So, I have every right to be mentally freaking the fuck out.

River digs his heel into my ass, then squeezes his legs around me. “Make love to me, Nate.”

One of many firsts for me.

I usually take women rough and fast, not slow and tender. But River is not a woman, and for the first time, I’m having sex with someone I love. A man I have probably been in love with for years yet was too self-absorbed to notice.

No longer thinking about the act or worrying about our friendship, I line up my cock at his entrance and push the tip inside. He grunts at the sudden intrusion, eyes half closed.

“You good, Riv?”

He nods, biting his bottom lip.

“What does it feel like?”

“Like you’re stretching me out.”

I slide in another inch, and he hisses.

“Be more specific.”

“It stings,” he admits. “But it doesn’t last long.”

I fill him up.

His eyes slam shut. “Oh, fuck!”

“How about now?”

“Fuck,” he growls. “That feels… amazing.”

“Yeah?”

He nods. “Fuck, yeah.”

This is the first time either of us has had raw sex. We’re both clean and trust each other. Knowing River would keep my heart safe, I could carve it from my chest and give it to him. There’s no one on this planet I trust more.

As I move my body, River moans, “Oh god, Nate.”

“You like having my big dick in your tight ass, don’t you?”

His eyes meet mine, and he bobs his head.

“You’re such a dirty boy, Riv.” I etch my fingers into his hips and take him harder. “Look at you letting your best friend give you a good pounding.”

“Nate,” he whimpers as I slam into him with more force. “Oh, yeah… Right there.” His legs wrap tighter around me, and that only drives me deeper. “Fuck, that’s my prostate.”

I listen to the sounds he makes for me. Watch him unravel beneath me. Our chests are slick with sweat as I claim him with another thrust.

“You are mine,” I say, jerking his cock. “Tu es à moi.”

His eyes widen, shocked I remembered how to say the words, and then, he says, “Je suis à vous.”

“Yours,” I confirm.

When I slide as deep as I can go, I lean forward to lick his nipple, and as my tongue connects with the tiny bud, he mutters my name.

“Say it again,” I command.

“Nate,” he whispers.

He lifts his hips, and I thrust deeper, spilling my seed inside him as his cum hits our stomachs.

It takes a second for my brain to reconnect with my body. High on River, I’m swimming in a sea of ecstasy, lost to the feeling of my cock inside him. I collapse on his chest, both of us sticky and exhausted.

“Wow, that was fucking insane.”

He sits up to kiss my lips, stealing the air from my lungs. “You’re never going to want sex with a woman again.”

I pull out of him and watch my cum leak from his ass. “You seem confident of that.”

He smirks. “I am.”

I drop onto the bed, and River curls up beside me, resting his head on my chest, arm draped across my stomach.

River lifts his head and grins. “Wanna be my boyfriend?”

“Yes,” I say, unable to contain my smile.

“You’re so fucking gay,” he tells me, and this time, I don’t correct him because he’s right.

CHAPTER 13

NATE

I wake up to River’s lips on my neck, his erect dick rubbing up against mine. For the first time in a while, I didn’t have any nightmares. At least none that I can recall. River always chases away my demons.

“Morning,” he whispers.

“Yeah, it’s a good fucking morning,” I growl against his lips as he fists my cock. “I could get used to waking up like this.”

Most mornings, I wake up hard, and today is no exception.

“I’m addicted now.” My sexy boyfriend captures my bottom lip in his mouth and sucks, tossing his leg over mine. “You’ve created a monster, Nate.”

“Is that so?” I flash one of my cocky smirks that makes him smile. “I’m supposed to be the addict in this relationship.”

“You know, I’ve been thinking about that,” River says with a thoughtful look. “What if all the sex with women was just to forget about the woman who shall not be named? Maybe you don’t have an addiction.”

“You’re just saying that because you want me to fuck you day and night.” His lips thin into a line, and he remains quiet. “You don’t want Dr. Swanson imposing rules on you… and you want more of my dick. Don’t you?”

He pins me to the bed, lips hovering above mine. “Yes, but… I’m serious. I think we should discuss this with Dr. Swanson during our next appointment. I don’t want to have restrictions on our relationship when it’s so new.”

“Sex addict,” I say with laughter in my tone. “You’re hooked on me.”

He blushes. “Yeah, I guess.”

I wave a hand over my naked body. “Who could blame you when you get to look at all this?”

He smacks my chest and laughs. “Idiot.”

“I prefer when you call me God.”

River kisses me softly, nibbling on my lip. “I love you so much it fucking hurts when I breathe.” He pauses, then sits back, staring at the bedsheet. “I mean…”

“I know what you mean.”

He tilts his head to the side and scratches his jaw. “Can we…?”

I can tell he doesn’t want to discuss his declaration of love, so I say, “Are you ready to go again?”

“Uh-huh.” He nods, biting his lip. “I’m a little sore, but I want more.”

We showered after our last fuck session around five o’clock and pretty much blacked out. I’d planned to sleep all day, but this horny motherfucker has other plans.

His masculine scent burrows into my nostrils as he bites my neck. “I want to try another position this time.”

“Whatever you want.”

River rolls onto his side so his back faces me. “Prep me like this. Then, I want you to force me to my knees and fuck me from behind.”

“I can do that. Fuck do I wanna do that.” I massage his ass and slide my thumb between his cheeks. “Hand me the lube.”

He grabs the bottle from the nightstand. I drizzle the liquid onto his ass, enjoying the sight of it sliding into the crack and onto the bed.

River whimpers at the sensation. “It’s cold. But… I like it. Feels good.”

“I haven’t even touched you yet. So eager.”

River backs his ass into my cock. “I waited years for this. Don’t make me wait another second.”

I spread his cheeks with my thumbs and look at his hole, wet and glistening. Until last night, he was untouched, preserved just for me.

And now, he’s mine.

After our first time, I was hooked. So was River.

I plunge a finger inside him, reaching for the dildo. It’s not on the bed or the nightstand. Then, I remember we left them in the bathroom.

Opening him up for me, I add a second finger, listening to his moans and enjoying the way he bucks against my hand. There’s no denying River likes bottoming. He never seems to tire of it, though I bet he’ll be sore later.

“I’m good,” he says, rising to his knees. “I need you. Now.” His eyes meet mine. “Please.”

He’s adorable when he begs.

After eight years of having sex together, last night was the first time he let himself go. His shoulders weren’t tense. Every muscle in his body was relaxed. River freely gave himself to me without any barriers.

He gets on his knees, legs spread, and bends forward. Resting his weight on his elbows, he wiggles his ass in my face.

“More, more, more,” he chants. “I need you, Nate.”

I move behind him and grip his hips. “Yeah, baby, I’ll give you more.”

Once again, he pushes up against my dick. “Need. Now. Please. Fuck.”

River’s turning more into a feral animal by the second… and I am fucking loving it.

I coat my finger with lube and plunge it into his ass. “I want your hole nice and messy for me. I love coming inside you. I’m obsessed with watching my cum drip out of you.”

Long and hard, my cock is nearly flush against his back and leaking pre-cum. I’m ready to pounce. It takes all of my strength not to plunge my cock deep inside his body and satisfy the ache in my balls.

Instead, I work my fingers into River, taking it nice and slow. I know what he likes and how far to go.

I lick my lips.

I love what I see.

River groans when I add another finger.

“You okay, Riv?”

I withdraw my fingers, softly running my palm over his ass.

“Uh-huh,” he grunts. “Fuck me again. I’m ready.”

I plunge into River’s tight heat, fingers digging into his hips. His thick, round ass bulges muscle, bouncing with each thrust. I watch my dick glide out of him before slamming back into him. Greedy like usual, River backs his ass on my cock, begging for more.

“Such a needy little brat.” I slap his ass. “Look at you on your hands and knees for me, taking my cock.”

He moans. “I’m always needy for you.”

I smile like a stupid boy with a crush. God, it feels incredible to have sex without any limits. Without erecting miles-high walls to keep someone from knowing the real me.

River has never judged me. He loves me unconditionally for who I am.

He likes it when I get rough, so I hold him down by his neck, going deeper and deeper. “You’re a dirty boy, aren’t you?” I nuzzle his neck and breathe in his scent. “Tell me how much you like it when I fuck this ass.”

“I love it,” River chokes out. “Fuck me harder.”

“Bad boy,” I growl, possessed by his moans, and slap his ass cheek, leaving a handprint on his skin. “You like this, too, don’t you?”

“Fuck… Yes.” He grunts when I slam all the way home, his entire body trembling. “When you hit my prostate, I nearly black out. Just wait, Nate. One day, you’re going to beg me to fuck you. And you’ll get to see how good it feels.”

“Yeah, we’ll see. Maybe someday.”

“More,” he says, fisting his shaft. “I need more. I’m so close.” His head drops to the bed, his skin slick with sweat. “I’m going to come soon. Nate… Right there.”

I grip his shoulder, taking him harder. “You want me to come for you? Huh? You want me to fill you up?”

“Oh, fuck,” he groans. “I want it. Yes, yes, yes. Don’t stop.”

“You’re so tight.” My eyes close as I reach the peak of my climax. “You feel so good.”

“So do you,” he whimpers. “Oh god, I’m coming.”

With River face down, his cum splashes the sheets, his entire body shaking with his release. I follow a minute later, spilling into River with a few forceful jerks that leave me breathless.

I pull out and nearly pass out on the mattress. River drops beside me, tossing an arm over my sweaty chest.

He glances at me. “Fuck, that was…”

“Yeah,” I whisper, still high from that killer orgasm. “I love fucking my boyfriend.”

It’s so new that the word sounds strange on my tongue, but I like that River now has an official title. He’s not just my best friend anymore.

River smiles and runs his fingers over my smooth chest. “Boyfriend.”

I curl my arm around him. “Mine.”

By Sunday, it’s time to check out of the hotel. I’m bummed we can’t stay in our little bubble. River sulks around the suite, picking up the clothes I ripped off him. He stuffs them into his overnight bag as I zip mine.

“Nothing will change,” I say to assure him.

He looks down at the bed and moves around things in his bag. “I just wish we didn’t have to go. I like being here with you. Just the two of us.”

Sensing River’s discomfort, I move behind him and squeeze my arms around his middle. “After I graduate, we can get a place. It can be like this every day.”

He glances over his shoulder and forces a smile. “You don’t regret anything?”

“Nope. Not even a little bit.”

I hate that he worries about me switching back to women. There’s nothing I can say or do to ease his concern. But I will show him that he’s all I need every day.

My phone rings, cutting through the tension. I reach into my pocket and sigh when I see my dad’s name on the screen.

“Answer it,” River suggests. “It could be about the book and Samantha… or Sofia. Whatever her name is.”

I sit on the bed and answer the phone. “Hey, Dad. What’s up?”

“The situation is handled,” he growls into the receiver. “You don’t have to worry about the book or the girl. She’s no longer a student at Kingston University.”

“Oh,” I mutter. “Well, what happened?”

“It’s best you don’t know.”

Okay, Mr. Cryptic.

I know not to push him for answers and say, “Thanks, Dad. I’ll see for Thanksgiving.”

“Your mother is looking forward to seeing you. Please wear something decent, not your usual sweatpants or jeans.”

I glance at River and shake my head. He frowns.

“Sure thing, Dad. See you then.”

After I hang up, River hops on my lap, straddling my thighs. His arms go around my neck as he kisses my lips. I palm his head, fingers threaded through his short, dark hair to deepen the kiss.

Our tongues tangle for a moment before River pulls back and lets out a sigh of relief.

“It’s over… for now.” He rests his forehead on mine. “I wish this was the last time I had to worry about someone exposing my private life.”

“You were born to be a star. Fame comes with the territory. We’ll never have privacy. But we have each other. And that’s all that matters.”

CHAPTER 14

RIVER

After the best weekend of my life, weeks pass by in a drunken haze of hot sex with Nate. We fuck any chance we get. Make excuses to escape from our teammates and have the house all to ourselves.

Each morning, Nate wakes me up with a smile and his hand or mouth on my cock. If our housemates hear us, they don’t say anything. Even Waters hasn’t opened his mouth. Not a single wisecrack about us being homos since Spencer Brooks fixed his grade.

I’m always tense going home for school breaks. Knowing my dad will be there, passing his judgment on me, makes my stomach turn. Nate knows it and gets on his knees between my thighs. He stares at me like a hunter ready to attack.

“I love how you taste,” Nate says before wrapping his lips around my cock. “Just relax for me, okay? Let me take care of you.”

Nate knows how worried I am about facing my dad. He senses my emotions before I feel them. If I had the choice, I would stay on campus until graduation—anything to avoid the judgy looks and annoying words of wisdom. But I miss my mom too much.

“Eyes on me,” Nate says, popping his mouth off my cock, spit dripping from his lip. “Get out of that head and focus on me.”

Smiling, I run my fingers through his short, blond hair. “I don’t deserve you.”

“Yes, you do.”

Nate curls his hand around my shaft and sucks me from top to bottom. A soft moan slips past my lips as he deepthroats me. I have to be quiet. Our teammates are home, some sleeping off pre-holiday hangovers.

Parker and Monroe are in the kitchen cooking us a massive feast. The smell of bacon wafts up the stairs, clinging to the air. It’s our tradition. Before we leave campus, my housemates come together for one final meal.

Sometimes, I wonder if I could tell them the truth. Waters hinted that they all know. However, no one else has mentioned it. I want to shout it from the rooftops now that Nate has been my boyfriend for almost a month.

But I’m scared.

Once the truth is out there, I can’t take it back. Everyone will know we’re gay. That we fuck each other. That we are in love and hiding our secret under their roof.

At this early hour, we can pretend to be in our own world. So, I ignore the nagging thoughts and lose myself to the feel of Nate’s warm tongue on my skin. Head tipped back on the pillow, I stare at the ceiling and moan.

“Stay with me, Riv,” he whispers, drawing my attention back to his face. “I want to watch you come.”

That’s all it takes for me to push his head down, gagging him with my long length. Nate takes me like a pro. He sucks cock as if he’s been doing it for years.

Of course, he’s good at this.

When it comes to sex, Nate is a fucking god. Women worshiped at his feet, on hands and knees, begging for more. And now, I understand why.

I come quicker than expected, cum rocketing out of me and into Nate’s mouth. He sucks me harder, holding me in a vise until he gets the last drop.

“You needed that,” Nate says, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “You were so tense.”

He climbs on top of me, his hard cock flush against our stomachs. Our lips are inches apart, so close we could kiss. But we just stare into each other’s eyes.

“I love you,” he says, then clears his throat. “I mean, I’m in love with you. On some level, I think I have been for a long time.”

“I love you, too.” I sit up on my elbows and kiss him. “Thank you for taking a chance on me.”

Nate shakes his head, blond strands falling before his golden-brown eyes. “You’re the one who saved me. Without you… I don’t know where I would be. Probably dead or strung out. I was so lost when we met. And you… You pulled me out of the depths of my darkness. Being your friend gave me hope. And for that, I will be forever grateful.”

His words hang between us, sending a crackle of energy down my arms. After years of obsessing over what Nate and I could be, my waiting has paid off.

“You’re enough,” I tell Nate because he needs to hear it. Otherwise, the doubt and fear creep into his head. “You will always be enough for me.”

He captures my moans with his mouth, rocking his hips to create some friction. My spent cock lays between us, and with everyone home, we can’t have sex. So Nate ruts against me, using my body until he comes on my stomach.

He steals his lips from mine, his breathing labored. “Don’t move.”

Nate slides off the bed and grabs a towel from the back of his door. Kneeling beside me, he takes his time cleaning me up. He never did this with women. Yet, every time we’re together, he pampers me.

“Take a shower with me.” He hops off the mattress and extends his hand. “I’m not done with you.”

I hesitate because anyone can see us enter the bathroom together. But it wouldn’t be the first time. Our teammates are so used to our unusual behavior that they don’t even blink. Maybe they would be more accepting of us than I think.

“What are you thinking about?” Nate asks, staring at me with genuine concern.

“Wondering what our teammates would say if they knew.”

He shrugs. “They already do.”

“Not for sure.”

“Does it matter?”

I sling my legs off the mattress, pressing my feet to the cold, wooden floor. “I hate keeping secrets from people I care about. I just⁠—”

“You’re scared,” he finishes for me. “I get it. If I were in your position, I would be, too. You have a lot to lose.”

“I would feel better if I already had a deal with a team locked down.”

A frown pulls at Nate’s mouth. “Now that I have you… I don’t want to lose you.”

“You won’t,” I promise. “No matter where I am, a part of me will always be with you. Whatever distance separates us will only be temporary.”

“I know.” He scrubs a hand at his jaw and sighs. “But I hate being apart from you.”

Nate gets legitimate withdrawal whenever we’re separated. Over the years, we have never spent more than one week away from each other. Even then, we talked on the phone and texted dozens of times daily.

“You can come with me,” I tell him. “Travel the country and the world with me.”

“Yeah?” Nate cocks his head to the side, licking his lips. “But I have law school in the fall.”

“They have law schools in other states. You’re not stuck here.”

Nate drops to the bed beside me and takes my hand in his, eyes on my face. “I would follow you anywhere.”

Tears prick my eyes. “We’ll know more after the meetings. The Rangers and the Islanders are within driving distance of Kingston University.”

“True, but the Stars are a plane ride away… and so are the Kings.”

“I want to play for one of my home teams.” I pat his hand to ease his concern. “I won’t be that far away.”

“This is your career, Riv. Do what makes you happy. Choose the right team for you, not what your dad or I want.”

“The Islanders play on Long Island. We could still see each other when I’m playing at home.”

Nate rests his forehead against mine. “Whatever you decide, I will support you.”

CHAPTER 15

NATE

When our teammates leave the house, I lock the door, excited to be alone with River. He stands beside me, hands shoved into his pockets and biting his lip. My cock jerks at the sight.

“Run,” I say, desperate for him. “I’ll give you a headstart… and you better be naked when I find you.”

He gets in my face. “You’re not the boss of me.”

“No?” I grip his ass and pull him to me. “Who owns this?”

River burrows his face in my neck and chuckles. He flicks his tongue over my skin, sending a shiver down my arms.

I slide my hand beneath his chin, and our eyes meet. “If you want my dick, you better get going. Time is running out.”

At that, River steps back and heads toward the staircase. He strips off his shirt, tosses it at me with a smirk, and runs up the stairs.

River awakens my inner hunter. The voice in my head screams, mine, mine, mine.

I follow behind River and step over his clothes as I remove mine, racing up the stairs toward his bedroom.

When I enter the room, River sits on the bed naked, hands on his spread thighs. His cock is hard and touches his stomach, leaking precum. He’s toned in all the right places, not a single imperfection on his gorgeous body. Muscles ripple down his thighs.

I stalk toward the bed, River oozing sex and desire, his presence turning me feral.

I slide my thumb across his bottom lip. “I want to mark your perfect skin. Claim you so everyone knows I own you.”

River licks my thumb, a smile in his eyes. “Do it.”

Every inch of my skin is on fire. My need to possess him overwhelms me. So, I pin him to the bed and claim his mouth with a rough kiss. He fights back, playing into the game while silently begging for more.

His legs wrap around my back, and we rut our bodies together to create some friction.

“I want you in my mouth,” River says between kisses. “I want you to fill all of my holes.”

The offer is too tempting. Regardless of my previous plan, I roll onto my back and nod at my cock.

“Get to sucking then.”

River kneels between my legs and grips my hips, pressing soft kisses to the skin below my belly button. The sudden contact steals a growl from my throat.

Mine, mine, mine.

Palming River’s head, I push my cock past his pretty lips and rock my hips. He loves it when I take the lead, swallowing me down his throat.

“Fuck, your mouth… Goddamn, Riv.”

I run my fingers through his silky, dark hair to push it off his forehead. His cheeks are puffed out, so full of me his eyes water.

I grunt, tightening my grip on his hair. “I’m so close. Don’t stop doing… that.”

He pops my cock out of his mouth, spit dripping from his lips, and smiles.

“What are you doing?”

River shakes his head and climbs on top of me. “You’re not coming in my mouth.”

He kisses me again, and we take turns sucking and biting each other’s lips, a playful tease that drives me wild.

“Get the lube,” he says. “I need you inside me.”

I reach over and grab the bottle from his nightstand. He sits up and makes room for my hand between his thighs. I press my finger to his tight hole, and River groans.

“Fuck, Nate. More, I need more.”

His eyes drop to my cock. He licks his lips like he wants another taste.

With that, I pull out and add another finger, his inner walls tightening around me. He enjoys the pain and welcomes it, asking me for more. So, I add a third finger and stretch him out, nice and wet and stretched for my cock.

As I pump my fingers into River, his body relaxes. He slumps against me, our chests pressed together, breathing harder.

“Fuck me,” River says, his green eyes flaring with intensity. “Punish me with your big cock. Claim me. I know you want to, Nate.”

After I remove my fingers, he grabs my shaft and lines my tip to his entrance. He pushes me past the first ring of muscle, groaning as he clenches around me.

Gripping his hips, I bounce him up and down my cock, staring into his eyes. “You like getting fucked in this tight ass, don’t you?”

He nods and digs his teeth into his lip. “I wanna ride all the way home with your cum dripping out of me.”

I lean forward and flick my tongue over his nipple as I grip his shaft. We work as a team, me thrusting up into him while I stroke his fat cock, River riding me like a damn cowboy.

He moans, and his eyes slam shut. “Oh god, Nate.”

I sink deeper and deeper, and every time I hit his prostate, he moans louder. River is on the edge, so close to hitting the peak of his orgasm. To heighten his pleasure, I wrap my fingers around his throat and squeeze lightly. His eyes open and widen on me, a thrill rushing over him.

“I did this to you, baby,” I tell him, jerking his leaking cock. “Say it.”

“You did this,” he bites out. “Oh, fuck… Yes.”

My head spins from the wave of sensations rocking my body. River is seconds from coming, and I’m not far behind.

“Come for me, Riv.”

I lift my hips, thrusting one last time as my cum fills his tight hole, and he coats my chest. Out of breath, he collapses on top of me, his head on my shoulder. His cum sticks to our skin, but I don’t care because I love the scent of him.

He gives me a quick kiss and slides off me.

“Bend over.”

I slap his ass, and River laughs.

He gets on his knees, his ass facing me. “Can’t get enough of me, lover boy?”

I move behind him and spread his cheeks, turned on by my cum dripping out of his hole. “I will never get sick of this.”

After mentally cataloging this moment, I push River onto the mattress. “That was unreal. Who knew sex could be like this?”

“If I had known, I would’ve fucked you years ago.”

I stare at the ceiling, my heart racing, trying to catch my breath. Once again, River has blown my mind.

I’m so lucky he’s my boyfriend.

For once, someone chose me.

On our way to River’s house, I sit in the passenger seat, bored out of my mind. Whenever I let my thoughts wander, I go to dark places.

It’s a habit.

I think about River walking away and moving on with his life, no longer weighed down by my problems and me. Once he’s gone, he won’t have to wake up to my nightmares. Or stroke my fragile ego that sometimes dangles by a thread.

I hate her.

Veronica.

No matter how hard I try, I can’t erase her from my brain. She’s the star of my nightmares, the tormentor of my existence. I regret ever walking into that bedroom. If I hadn’t been such a horny little shit, she wouldn’t have come into my room.

I hate that my cock hardens just thinking about naked bodies pressed together. I hate that I can’t control myself without River holding me back. And most of all, I hate that I have this sickness inside me that will eventually infect River.

It’s not fair to him.

He’s too good for me.

He will find someone better.

No one can really love me.

Shut up, I tell myself, pushing the self-doubt into the corner of my mind. River loves you. Stop being an idiot.

It’s funny how you can know the truth yet deny it. In my heart, I know River loves me and will do anything to protect me. But my traitorous brain likes to trick me.

Dr. Swanson once told me, “Thoughts are not facts. Our minds are capable of conjuring the worst scenarios.”

She was right.

That woman always knows what to say and how to bring me back down to earth. Until Dr. Swanson, I hadn’t had a decent therapist. They all worked for my parents, using our sessions to relay information to them.

Sex is my usual coping method. But River is driving, those big hands I want all over my body gripping the steering wheel.

To distract myself, I whip out my journal. I have kept a log of every thought over the past two months. Dr. Swanson was right about this daily exercise. My entries started with sexual fantasies and then evolved into helping me understand my feelings for River.

River’s head snaps to me. “You okay?”

I nod. “All good.”

He grips the wheel tighter. “You don’t seem good.”

“No?” I slip on a pair of aviator sunglasses so he can’t see my eyes or read the lie written all over my face. “I’m fine.”

“I know what you’re thinking, Nate. You are so transparent. I’m not leaving you,” he says. “Never.”

“Yeah.” I flip to a blank page, balancing the journal on my knee. “I know.”

“Do you, though? Because I remind you all the time… and it still doesn’t seem to sink in. What must I say or do to make you believe me?”

Even before we started dating, I feared losing River. He’s the person who keeps me sane and grounds me in ways no one else can. Without him, I would be like a lost puppy wandering the world alone.

“I’m thinking about skipping law school,” I tell him. “So I can be with you on the road.”

It’s not if River signs with an NHL team but when. He is too good not to play in the league. Hence, teams are competing for his attention two months into the current season. While it’s not unusual for a player to sign outside the draft or free agency window, it doesn’t happen that often.

They are making exceptions for River. Because of his stats and talent. Because not signing him would be a fucking tragedy. Any team would be lucky to have him.

River is a star.

He was born to shine.

“Are you sure you want to do that? I don’t want you to give up your dreams for me.”

“It’s not my dream.” Clutching a pen between my fingers, I sigh. “My dad chose this path for me. I could give a damn about being a lawyer. I stuck with law, hoping to one day become your agent.”

River smiles. “I would love that. And you technically don’t need to be a lawyer. You only need a bachelor’s degree to get certified. The NHL Players' Association only requires you to have a player on an NHL roster, pass a written exam, and participate in a two-day seminar. Oh, and I think you need a state license and insurance. The usual business stuff.”

“But your dad’s agent is a lawyer. I just assumed… I’ve even read up on the top agents.”

He shakes his head. “If you wanna be my agent, finish your degree. We only have one more semester left.”

“But that would mean… You would be⁠—”

He leans over and puts his hand on my heart. “I will always be in here. That’s what counts.”

“You have to graduate with me, Riv. One more semester, and you’ll be a college graduate. Don’t let your dad take that from you because he gave up his freshman year.”

“I can finish the last semester remotely. My dad already spoke to the dean.”

“Oh. So, you’re considering leaving after this semester?”

He failed to mention this when we spoke about his meetings. River talked about his excitement and how much playing in the NHL meant, but he never confessed to leaving me after this semester.

A knot forms in my stomach, digging into my side like a knife. The pain intensifies, a deep ache that settles into my bones.

I glance out the window.

“Nate,” he groans. “Please don’t do this to me.”

“I’m not doing anything.”

“Fuck, would you stop it?”

I sink into the seat and roll my head toward him. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I knew you would react this way. At some point in our lives, we won’t get to spend every waking moment together. You need to come to terms with this.”

“I hate how I’m wired,” I whisper, putting my face in my hands, frustrated by my neediness. “I’m sorry. It’s not your fault.”

“You’re getting better, Nate. I know you can’t see it, but I can. Talking to Dr. Swanson and writing in your journal has helped you a lot. But it’s a slow recovery. No one forgets trauma. You can only learn how to live with it. Otherwise, it will eat you alive.” He slides his hand onto my knee and grabs my hand. “Those thoughts will always be there. Just remember that I love you. Okay? I fucking love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

Even after everything, I still have doubts. I have felt unlovable for most of my life. That kind of pain and reprogramming doesn’t fade after a few months of therapy. It might take years for me to believe him.

Unsure how to respond, I squeeze his hand, biting back the tears threatening to spill, and say, “Okay.”

CHAPTER 16

RIVER

Okay, the word rolls around in my head on the drive home. A word that means nothing and everything all at once. I shared my feelings with Nate and told him what he needed to hear, and he said okay.

Well, fuck.

Since I mentioned possibly quitting school to join the NHL, Nate has kept his head down, writing in his journal. His hand flies across the pages, the scent of ink permeating the space between us.

I focus on driving, a nice distraction from my wandering thoughts. The beautiful scenery doesn’t hurt.

Scarsdale, New York—where I lived until boarding school—is less than a two-hour drive from campus. I haven’t lived in this house for more than a few weeks since I was twelve. But it’s where I learned to play hockey. Where I first decided to go pro.

When my dad was on the road with his team, I stayed behind with my mom. My job, even as a boy, was to take care of her. My dad put me in charge and said I was the man of the house while he was gone. I took my role seriously, sitting by her feet while she read romance novels or helping her make dinner.

The thing I hate most about the rift between my dad and me is losing my mom. We haven’t been as close in the past few years. She used to call me every week at boarding school and send care packages. That ended my freshman year of college when Dad said she had to stop babying me.

I miss her.

If anyone would accept that I’m gay, it’s my mom. She has always understood me. Always made me feel special.

“I’m thinking about telling my mom,” I say to Nate, breaking the awkward silence in the car.

He looks up from the journal and smiles. “Yeah? I think you should.”

“I just hope she doesn’t tell my dad.”

“He’s going to find out at some point, Riv. Maybe you should just rip off the Band-Aid and get it over with.”

“What about you? When are you planning to tell your parents?”

Nate shrugs. “Honestly, I don’t give a fuck what they think. They never had my back. So fuck them.”

I slide my hand from the shifter to his knee. “I’m so sick of being afraid. I want to sign with a team and have some security before my life falls apart.”

“Is that why you’re rushing into things?”

I bob my head. “On an unconscious level, I think my dad knows what he saw at the beach house wasn’t just me waking up with my hand on your dick.”

“I thought nothing of it,” Nate says with a cheeky grin. “Shows you how much I paid attention.”

“Because we normalized friends touching each other like that. To you, it meant nothing. But to me…”

Silence hangs between us before he says, “Everything you do means something to me.”

I smile at his confession, and just like that, all the doubt fades into the background.

As I park in the circular driveway outside my family home, I suck in a deep breath. Nothing ever prepares me for seeing my dad. Anymore, his presence suffocates me. Even talking on the phone gives me anxiety.

Nerves bubble up in my stomach as I stare at the modern colonial with over two dozen windows and stone accents. Inside, there are seven bedrooms and ten bathrooms. The ten thousand square foot home sits on almost two acres.

“I’m right here.” Nate slips his fingers between mine, holding my gaze. “You don’t have to do this alone. If you want to tell your mom, I support you.” He raises our joined hands and kisses my skin. “I’m proud to call you my boyfriend.”

Hearing that word never gets old. I love how it sounds coming from his mouth.

The front door opens, and Nate drops my hand, pulling away before anyone notices. I’m thankful for that. Until I’m ready, I would rather keep us a secret.

My mom walks toward my car, blonde hair curled and slung over her shoulder. She wears a tight black dress fitted to her slim waist, the sleeves loose on her arms. Until a few years ago, she still modeled professionally. Dad met her on a Sports Illustrated photo shoot set and said it was love at first sight.

They married three months later and had me the following year. As far as I know, he’s never cheated or been tempted by puck bunnies. I would kill my dad if he ever hurt her.

Mom lays her head on my shoulder, arms thrown around my middle. “I missed you so much, Rivie.”

Only she can call me that and get away with it. Nate gets punched in the arm whenever he makes fun of me.

I spin her in a circle, breathing in her flowery perfume. “I missed you, too, Momma.”

I set her feet on the ground, but she doesn’t let go. She holds me for a solid minute before peeling herself from me. My mom is five feet ten inches tall. But with four-inch heels, we’re the same height now.

Dad moves between us, puts his hand on my shoulder, and grins. “Welcome home. We have a lot to discuss before your meetings.”

Swallowing the nerves rising up my throat, I nod. Signing with a team means leaving Nate. It means facing some of my greatest fears.

Nate’s standing near the door with his parents, an overnight bag slung over his shoulder. “Dad, stop it. Fuck.”

His cheeks flush, his body vibrating with anger. Being in their presence stirs up old, resentful feelings for Nate. He blames them for inserting Veronica into his life. And rightfully so. If not for the sex parties, Nate wouldn’t have been in that position.

Why did my dad invite them?

“Excuse me,” I say to my parents and move to Nate’s side.

Even without speaking, I feel his mood shift, the air between us thick with tension.

“Spencer, Savanna,” I say to his parents, forcing a smile. “Glad you could join us. Happy Thanksgiving.” I tug on Nate’s hand. “Can I borrow Nate for a minute?”

Without waiting for an answer, I drag Nate toward the house. He rolls my suitcase, his bag slung over his shoulder, and follows me into the foyer. Outside, our parents whisper amongst themselves, keeping their distance.

The house smells of turkey and herbs. My nose tips up as my stomach growls. I love my mom’s cooking. She’s not just a pretty face.

I lift my suitcase and rush up the grand staircase to the second floor with Nate. “What were you guys arguing about?”

“Dumb shit,” Nate hisses. “You know my parents. The usual.”

“We can hide upstairs until dinner.”

Much like the rest of the house, the walls are a simple cream, decorated with expensive art. The floors are white oak and don’t show any wear. You can only see the scuff near my door from playing hockey as a kid. My dad whooped my ass for that one.

“Thanks for the save,” Nate says once we’re alone and walking toward my childhood bedroom. “I doubt I will last the weekend in this house with them.”

“Come to Manhattan with me tomorrow.”

“Aren’t you going with your dad?”

I nod.

He shakes his head as we enter my room. “Pass. Less is more with your dad.”

I shut the door and roll my suitcase near the dresser. Nate drops his bag on the floor and walks around the space to look at my pictures. A few framed images of me with my parents are on the dresser. In some, I’m dressed in my peewee hockey uniform, Remington Academy’s royal blue and yellow, and Kingston University’s black and gold.

My jersey number has stayed the same. Twenty-three is inked onto my chest between crisscrossed hockey sticks, directly over my heart. I plan to add Nate’s name to the same place one day.

He’s the reason my heart beats. Until I met him, I only had hockey, but he has since become the love of my life.

Nate sits on my bed and runs his hand over the dark blue comforter. “Leave your car keys before you go tomorrow. I might do some Christmas shopping.”

“Shopping for me?” I lean in for a kiss. “Hmm?”

“Duh.” Nate smirks. “I’m thinking a chest full of sex toys. Gallons of lube. All the sex you can handle.”

My cock likes his present ideas and responds accordingly. “Stop turning me on. We can’t have sex again until Sunday.”

“You’re so cute.” Nate’s lips graze mine as our eyes meet. “I’ll bend you over the table during dinner and fuck you on top of the turkey just to piss off our dads. Don’t tempt me, Riv. I will do it.”

“My boyfriend is a psycho.”

“You like it when I get all crazy and do things like this…”

Nate tackles me to the bed, holding me down with his weight, and slips his tongue into my mouth. His fingers dig into my jaw as he pulls me closer, deepening the kiss. This is what I needed, a brief distraction from the madness.

Wrapped up in his possessive touch, I hear a creak to my right but can’t bring myself to peel my lips from his. A gasp followed by shattered glass sends my heart racing into overdrive. Liquid splashes my arm and the bed, the scent of bourbon filling my nostrils. When I look down at the floor, shards of glass are scattered across the wood.

My eyes land on my dad.

“What the fuck are you doing, River?”

Oh, shit.

Spencer stands beside him. He maintains his grip on a glass of scotch and doesn’t look surprised.

“Dad,” I choke out. “I⁠—”

He pushes out his palm to silence me. “I don’t want to hear it. You lied to my face. You told me nothing was going on with Nate.”

I shrink into myself, feeling small and childish. Like I’m still the little boy who grew up in this room.

“It wasn’t… At the time you asked me, I wasn’t with Nate.”

Spencer tips a glass to his lips and takes a long sip. “I will not let you ruin your future, Nathaniel.”

Nate grits his teeth and rises from the bed, hands balled into fists at his sides. “Try to stop me, old man.”

He presses his forehead to Spencer’s, overcome by rage and years of hatred. Nate will hit him. And I’m not sure I could prevent him from killing his dad, nor would I try.

“I won’t have a gay son,” Spencer says, his words laced with anger.

“Then, you won’t have a son.” Nate’s nostrils flare. “Simple as that.”

I watch their heated encounter, using it to avoid looking at my dad.

“You will marry a woman,” Spencer says, eyeing up Nate as he downs the contents of his glass. “I will find you someone respectable. No one will ever know about this.”

With that, Nate slams his dad into the wall. The empty highball glass slips from his hand, shattering to pieces. The dresser nearly topples over as Spencer attempts to fight back, but Nate throws his weight into the heavy wood, holding it in place.

“You little shit,” Spencer snaps, which sounds funny when talking about Nate.

He’s six foot four and two hundred twenty pounds of muscle. Even at twelve years old, he already had the body of a man.

My dad darts across the room, grips Nate’s shirt collar, and pulls him off Spencer. I shove him away from Nate. His shoulder bumps into Spencer’s, and they drop to the floor with a thud, landing on the broken glass.

Spencer groans. Blood trickles down my father’s hand, his finger sliced and dripping onto the floor.

As if the shit show isn’t bad enough, my mom and Savanna come running into the room.

Mom gasps, eyes wide, and screams. “Oh, god. Ryan, what happened?”

She hunches down beside him, and he pushes out his bleeding hand.

“No, don’t, my love. There’s glass everywhere.”

My mom inches back, tears in her eyes, and looks at me.

“I’m sorry, Momma.” My voice shakes. “I didn’t mean for it to get so… out of hand.”

“What did you do to your father?” Savanna asks Nate, her Texan accent thick and demanding.

“I’m gay,” Nate tells her. “So is River. They walked in on us kissing and…” He waves his hand. “This happened.”

“Oh,” Savanna whispers. “Huh.”

Just like Spencer, she doesn’t seem too shocked by the reveal. Although, I’m not sure why. They judge everything he does.

My mom hooks an arm around me. “I knew, Rivie. I’m your mother. Of course, I knew.”

“I wanted to tell you.”

“It’s okay.” She hugs me. “It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not,” my dad hisses, standing behind her. “He’ll never play for an NHL team if the media finds out he’s a faggot.”

His words slice into my chest like a machete. I swear my heart is somewhere in my stomach. Everything hurts. My head, my chest, every muscle in my body.

“Ryan, if you ever call my son that name again, I will file for divorce.”

“Baby, come on,” he pleads. “You know I’m right. No one will want him. He’s broken… damaged goods.”

“No, he’s not.” My mom extends her hand to me. “Let’s go, Rivie. We’re not spending the holiday with your father. He needs time to cool off.”

“What about the meetings?” Dad yells as we step into the hallway. “You can’t do this. I won’t let you.”

“River doesn’t need you there,” my mom says. “And neither do I. Just leave us alone, Ryan. And don’t even think about following us. You stay right there.”

My heart is racing from the adrenaline rush. I can hardly catch my breath as we walk down the hallway, our hands linked, nerves coursing through me.

“Wait up,” Nate says, rolling my suitcase behind us, his bag in the other hand. “Fuck those assholes. I’m going with you.”

“Momma,” I choke out as we descend the stairs.

She cocks her head at me.

“I love you.” I force a smile even though I feel like I’m dying on the inside. “Thank you.”

“I love you, too,” she says as we exit the house. “No one, not even your father, gets to hurt you.”

“Mrs. R.” Nate claps a hand on her back. “You rock. That was badass, by the way.”

She nods. “Just take care of my baby, okay?”

Nate hauls the bags into my trunk and nods. “Always.”

CHAPTER 17

RIVER

After fleeing the house, I had no idea where to go, so I drove to the closest restaurant. It’s Thanksgiving. They have a limited menu. Our options are turkey, ham, and cornish hen with family-style side dishes.

“Smile, Rivie,” my moms says, sliding her hand across the table to touch me. “You love Thanksgiving. I know it’s not the same… but we will make it work.”

“Momma,” I whisper, fighting back tears. “I hate that you had to leave Dad for me. You should be home with him.”

“I’m with my baby. Where I’m supposed to be.”

By some miracle, she hasn’t shed a single tear. Meanwhile, I’m dying on the inside, torn between right and wrong, trying to decide if I should bring her home.

He called me the f-word. On repeat, I replay those final moments in my head, disgusted by his reaction.

He’s still my dad.

I love him.

So, why can’t he accept me?

I feel like shit, my skin itching as if dozens of ants are crawling over my arms and legs.

All of this is my fault.

“We’ll have one of everything,” my mom tells the server and hands her the menus. “And all of the sides. I’ll also have an iced tea. And…” She turns to me. “Do you want a soda or beer?”

“Soda, I’m driving.”

“A Coke,” she tells the woman.

The cops are always out in full force on holidays. I don’t need any more headaches today. My dad’s rejection was enough.

“Double scotch,” Nate says, flashing one of his boyish smiles. “And keep them coming. It’s been a long day.”

Her gaze lingers on Nate briefly, then she returns to me. I know she recognizes me because her eyes light up in acknowledgment. She’s blonde and thin and in her late twenties or early thirties.

“I know you, right? You look so⁠—”

“Familiar?”

She nods. “Yeah.”

“I have one of those faces, I guess.”

A massive grin tugs at her mouth, curling up her pale pink lips. She takes a step back, still looking at me, and pauses. “I’ll be right back with your drinks.”

After she disappears, Nate puts his elbows on the table and whispers, “If she only knew you play for the other team.”

All of us burst into a fit of laughter. It’s the first time I’ve felt anything but anger and sadness in over an hour.

“I’m so glad River has you,” my mom says to Nate. “You’re good for each other.”

He looks at me and smiles. “Yeah, we are.”

A few minutes later, the server arrives with our drinks and sets a glass of soda in front of me.

“I figured it out.” A smile reaches her eyes. “You’re River Rousseau.”

I nod. “That’s me.”

She removes a pen from her pocket and says, “You probably get this a lot… but would you sign something for me? My younger brother is a huge fan. He follows all of your games.”

“Sure.” I take the pen from her and scribble my signature on the paper she places in front of me. “What’s your brother’s name?”

“Brian,” she lilts. “Oh my god. He’s going to freak out. This is so…” She takes the paper from my hand. “Thank you.”

My heart feels fuller as she walks toward another table, cheeks flushed. The fans motivate me to keep going even on my worst days. I refuse to lose this feeling.

I glance at Nate. “That’s why no one can know about us. My dad was right. He just had a shitty way of going about it.”

My mom frowns. “Your father… Rivie, I’m sorry for what he said. I know he means well. He loves you. He only wants you to succeed. But I… I can’t forgive him for calling you… that.”

Clutching her arm, I force a smile. “Momma, you have to go home. Dad’s already called twenty times.”

“He doesn’t deserve us.”

“I go back to school on Sunday,” I remind her. “You can’t stay away forever. It will only make him worse.”

Nate shakes his head. “Stop defending him.”

Mom’s cell phone rings. She checks the screen, rolls her eyes, and stuffs it back into her purse. “It’s your dad again. That man is relentless.”

“Did you turn off your location?”

“Oh, shit,” she mutters. “No.”

“Watch him show up here.”

She bites her lip and scans the busy restaurant. “He won’t make a scene in front of these people.”

An hour later, we’re all stuffed full of turkey and heavy side dishes, rubbing our full bellies. Nate is buzzed and mumbling as we head toward the car. Thankfully, my mother is sober and coherent.

We walk to the parking lot, and as I had predicted, my dad waits by my car. Wearing a winter coat and jeans, he folds his arms across his chest, a stern look on his face.

He steps forward, his eyes lighting up when they land on my mother. “Baby, look, I’m sorry. I overreacted. I didn’t mean to⁠—”

“No, Ryan. You owe an apology to River,” she shouts, her voice shaking.

His head snaps to me, then back to my mother. He seems torn between us, but I know he will always choose her.

“River,” he says in a hushed tone, eyes pointed at his feet. “I was in shock.”

“You knew,” I say, moving in front of him. “How many times did you ask me about Nate? We weren’t together back then… but you figured it out. You had plenty of time to come to terms with my sexuality.”

His head lifts, and our eyes meet. “I didn’t want it to be true. Gays can’t play in the NHL. They will never accept you.”

“I’m not going public,” I say, the blood pumping faster through my veins, my heart racing. “No one will ever know.”

He shoves a hand through his dark hair to push it off his forehead and nods. Silence hangs between us, and the tension is so thick it’s palpable. Neither of us knows what to say or how to act.

Mom throws her hands onto her narrow hips, facing off with my dad. “Are we going to have a problem?”

He clutches her arm and pulls her to him, shaking his head. “No. Come home. Please.” Then he looks at me. “I’m sorry. I wish I hadn’t called you that. I didn’t think. Guys call each other names in the locker room. It’s said more in jest, not… Well, you know. I’m sure you hear it all the time from your teammates.”

I understand where he’s coming from. Guys always make locker room jokes and call each other gay or other slurs. It’s because they never consider that one of them could be gay.

“I don’t want people making fun of you,” my dad says. “Or treating you differently. You have such a bright future in hockey. I don’t want all the hate to diminish your accomplishments.”

“Neither do I, Dad. That’s why I’m not telling anyone. Only a handful of people know about Nate and me.”

My mom angles her body, standing between us, and sighs. “I hate this, Ryan. Don’t force me to choose between you and my son.”

“I’m not. I would never.”

“Will you accept River the way he is? No more mean slurs or nasty comments?”

He hesitates for a second, and after a long pause, he says, “Yes. It will take me time to adapt. I might say the wrong things. But I will try to understand his choices.”

I want to tell him it’s not a choice to be gay but hold my tongue. My dad grew up in a very toxic masculine environment. Being straight was the only option for him.

Mom puts her hand on my shoulder. “No one can take what’s in your heart, Rivie. Whether or not you play hockey, we still love you. So does Nate. I can see it. He would do anything for you. And so would your father and me.”

“Thanks, Momma.” I lean in for a hug and kiss her cheek. “Go with Dad. We’ll follow you back to the house.”

My dad starts tugging her toward his black Maserati, but she yanks away from his grasp.

“Please stay for the weekend. It’s your home. You’ll always be safe there.”

“We have the meetings tomorrow morning,” Dad adds. “You should get some sleep… in your own bed.”

Nate leans into my side, glaring at my father, hand stuffed into my back pocket. My dad notices, his eyes tracking the movement, but he’s smart and keeps his mouth shut.

“Okay,” I agree, but for my mother’s benefit.

Once inside the car, I turn on the engine and take deep breaths. Blood rushes to my head. A whooshing sound in my ears grows louder by the second. Despite the chill in the air, my skin is slick with sweat.

“You don’t have to do this,” Nate says, putting on his seatbelt. “We can stay in Manhattan for the night and go to your meetings in the morning.”

“Will you go with me?”

Nate winks. “Of course.”

Earlier, he wanted nothing to do with the NHL meetings. But without him, I won’t get through the long day. I also want him there for when I sign on the dotted line. My decision impacts him, too.

We drive back to my childhood home in near silence. Nate drums his fingers on his knee to the beat of a rock song. He even sings the chorus. He has a nice voice, much better than mine, and I love it when he belts out the words as if no one is listening. I can’t carry a tune to save my life.

My dad beat me home.

I park behind his Maserati in the circular driveway and turn off the ignition. For a moment, I sit there and stare at Nate. He doesn’t speak or blink.

“I’m scared,” I whisper.

“Me too.”

“I don’t want people to hate me for who I am.”

“You got me,” Nate says softly, placing his hand on my thigh. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“I hate hiding. This sucks. I just… I want to feel like me and still play the sport I love.”

“You can’t change the minds of others. Whatever you decide, I will be there for you. If you want to tell people about us, I’m okay with that. Or you can keep us a secret forever. I don’t care as long as we’re together.”

I close the distance and kiss him. It’s a quick peck. “Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for… being you.”

Nate palms my head and steals another kiss. “If you ever decide to come out, I want to marry the shit out of you.”

I laugh. “Yeah?”

“Fuck, yeah. We’d have the dopest wedding.”

Until now, I hadn’t realized Nate was this committed to me and would consider marriage.

My heart fills with so much joy that my chest aches. “I would say yes if you asked me. I’m just throwing it out there in case that day comes.”

Nate smiles, and even in the dark, I can tell it reaches his golden-brown eyes. “We should go inside before our parents come out here.”

After Nate grabs the bags, we climb the grand staircase, shocked to find Spencer waiting for us on the top step. Nate stops, and I put my hand on his shoulder.

Spencer stands, a highball glass in hand, and gestures for us to follow him to the sitting room. “We need to talk.”

“Not now, Dad.” Nate slings his bag over his shoulder and rolls my suitcase along the wooden floor. “I have a good buzz going on… and I’m not in the mood to fight with you.”

“I just want to talk, Nate.”

He pauses at the nickname his dad never uses, even when he knows calling him Nathaniel pisses him off. “You have one minute, old man.”

CHAPTER 18

NATE

I glare at the man who gave me life, teeth gritted. He sits in an oversized armchair by the fireplace, and even with the fire crackling, my skin flushes with heat.

“You wanted to talk,” I tell him, wrapping my arms around River, his back to my chest. “So say something.”

My dad glances at the placement of my hand on River’s inner thigh. He gulps when he takes in the sight of a grown man on my lap. River is almost as big as me, his massive frame taking up more than half the chair.

“How long have you been…” My dad’s voice trails off, and he takes a sip from the highball glass. “Gay?”

“Does it matter?”

He shakes his head. “All of the scandals with women… the sex tapes. I assumed you were going through a phase and would settle down with a nice girl after your college party days.”

“The girls were distractions,” I tell him. “My therapist is helping me see those women were stand-ins for Veronica. A way for me to work out my trauma. It helped me to regain the power I lost with her.”

He swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing. We never speak about the past. And when we do, he does his best to steer the conversation in another direction.

“I wonder if you would have turned out this way if we hadn’t…” He scowls. “Your childhood was unconventional. I tried. But I was never good with children. I didn’t know how to be a parent.”

“That’s not why I’m gay,” I respond, surprisingly calm given the circumstances. “Sexuality isn’t a choice. It’s who I am. If you have a problem with it⁠—”

“I don’t understand,” he admits.

“You don’t need to. River is my boyfriend. I love him. We’re not telling anyone… but not because I want to keep us a secret. And there’s nothing more to say on the matter.”

My dad rises from the chair and inches toward me. “I love you, Nate. I never tell you, but I do. I’m not good at this stuff.”

I glance at River. He presses his lips together, staring at me wide-eyed and in disbelief.

“Who are you? Where is my real father, and what did you do with him?”

He chuckles, making the wrinkles around his eyes seem more pronounced. “After you left the house, your mother put things into perspective for me. She reminded me of…”

My mom appears in the entryway as if conjured by his words. Petite and thin, she wears a black dress pinched at the waist, stopping beneath her knee. It’s tight but elegant. She looks the part of a billionaire’s wife.

“We screwed up, Nate.” She stands beside my father, the two now hovering over me. “The things that Veronica did to you… They never should have happened under our roof. I was supposed to protect you. We both were, but we failed you.”

I sniff back the tears streaming down my cheeks. “Yeah, you did. She fucking hurt me. Every weekend for almost a year. And the nightmares…” I wipe my eyes with my hand. “I still wake up dreaming about what she did to me. If it weren’t for River, I’d probably be dead. I thought about killing myself so many times. But then, I thought about River. And I couldn’t do it.”

My mom kneels beside the chair and takes my hand. “We know. And we’re very thankful you found River. He was there for you when we couldn’t be… didn’t know how to be.”

“You sent me away,” I snap, enraged by how they didn’t love me enough to help me through the worst part of my life. “I told you what she was doing to me, and you didn’t believe me. Not until you saw it for yourself. And then, you tossed me away like trash. Sent me across the country to live with strangers when I needed you.”

She leans forward and gives me an awkward one-arm hug. River slides off my lap and extends his hand.

As I rise from the chair, my dad says, “I didn’t go to the police because I didn’t want to put you through a trial and all of the publicity. You were so young and scared and… I took care of Veronica in other ways.”

My jaw ticks. “When? How? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Right after we caught her in your bed. She hasn’t been able to gain employment anywhere in the country since.” He pulls out his cell phone and shows me an image of a beat-up motel with a sign displaying that they rent rooms by the hour. “She lives here, working as a prostitute. It’s the only work she can get.”

“Why did you let me hate you for all of these years? You could have told me sooner.”

Dad sighs. “I didn’t know how to talk about her with you.”

My mom throws her arms around me, resting her head on my chest. She’s so tiny compared to me. “I’m sorry, Nate,” she sobs. “She was my best friend. It never should have happened. And I know you hate me. Nothing I can say or do will take away your pain, but I want to be here for you. It must be scary for you to come out publicly with River.”

“We’re not telling anyone,” I say, still in shock. “And why are you guys so cool about me being gay?”

After they sent me away, I stopped caring about pleasing my parents. Yet, I crave their love. Deep down, I need to know I am worthy. Only River has made me feel safe and loved. In his eyes, I am always enough.

“We’ve all experimented with the same sex,” my mom says with a shrug. “Nothing wrong with it.”

My mouth drops as my eyes land on my dad. He clears his throat, averting my gaze. Without speaking, it’s clear the experimentation extends to him when he refuses to look at me.

“Wow,” I mouth. “Okay. I guess that makes sense. The things I saw at the house growing up… I thought I made them up.”

So much of my childhood feels like fiction. I have spun stories in my head, attempting to rearrange the worst parts to change the narrative. On several occasions, I caught my father naked and in the arms of another man. My mother was there, too. The three of them kissing and touching.

My mind was too underdeveloped to register what I had witnessed. It happened a few more times. Once, I even saw my father fucking another man. He was much younger, probably in his early twenties. All types of people came to their parties—everyone from porn stars to their closest friends with specific kinks.

So, all of that was real.

“I’m not experimenting with River,” I tell them. “And I don’t want to marry a woman.”

“You don’t have to,” Mom says sweetly. “Your father only said that because he thought it would make your life easier. It works for us… and he thought you could have the same thing.”

I shake my head. “No, I only want River. If I marry anyone, it would be him.”

She hugs me again and smiles. “Okay, darling. It’s getting late. We can talk more tomorrow.”

“Yeah, sure,” I mutter, dazed by the wild events of the night.

My dad pats my back and nods. He exits the room with my mother, and I can’t move my feet. I stand there, staring at the door, blown away by the truth.

River clings to my chest, his arms holding me in a vise. “That was unexpected. How do you feel?”

“They apologized,” I choke out.

It’s the first thing that comes to mind.

“That was… Are you happy?”

I bob my head. “I need time to process everything. I don’t even know how to feel.”

He grabs his suitcase and tosses my bag over his shoulder. “I’m tired. Come to bed with me.”

Like a zombie, I move toward his bedroom, still somewhat buzzed, wondering if I’m dreaming. The second we’re inside his room, River pushes my back to the door and locks it.

I blow out a breath of air. “Dude, please tell me I made that up. I feel like I’m in The Matrix and took the red pill. There are just some things children shouldn’t know about their parents.”

“At least they’re cool with you being gay.” River shrugs. “Could have been much worse. Your dad could have reacted like mine.”

My hands find his hips, and I feel his dick brush mine. He’s semihard and grinding on me. So, I drag him to the bed, crashing onto the mattress, tangled up in each other.

I throw my leg over his and suck on his bottom lip. “I need to fuck you. My dick misses your tight ass.”

River laughs. “So romantic.”

“You want romance?”

I slide off the bed, dig through my bag, and offer him a small rectangular black box with a gold bow. He gives me an apprehensive look.

River tugs at the ribbon and flips the lid, laughing. “A cock ring? Really?”

“Hey, I wrapped it. If that’s not romance, I don’t know what is.” I kneel on the floor between his spread legs. “Do you like it?”

He licks his lips and nods.

“Wanna use it?”

“Yes, but⁠—”

I press my finger to his lips. “Put it on. I want you to feel the vibration while I suck your cock.”

Without hesitation, River unzips his pants. I lean forward to breathe in his scent. Every time we have sex, I turn into a wolf sniffing his mate.

“Romance isn’t the same as sex,” River says as I inch his pants down his thighs.

To silence him, I lick the tip of his hard cock peeking through the slit in his boxer briefs. “Is this what you want? Or should I try to sweep you off your feet?”

“I like it when you sing.” Shoving his fingers through my blond hair, he smiles. “I like your voice.”

“Yeah?” I say, somewhat surprised. “Well, what should I sing for you? I’m really good at humming.”

I swallow his cock into the back of my throat, making a sound that drives him wild, the vibration going straight to his balls.

I pull off him and smirk. “Like that?”

“Yes, I like that… But I want you to sing a real song for me.”

I push his back to the mattress and get in bed with him. “Which one?”

“Whatever you want. Just sing something for me.”

I roll onto my side, holding his back to my chest, and belt out the lyrics to “Free Bird” by Lynyrd Skynyrd. We forget about getting off, and River hangs onto every word.

When the song ends, he tells me to keep going. I sing until we forget about the drama of the night and fall asleep.

I don’t have a single nightmare.

CHAPTER 19

RIVER

While my mother is shopping the Black Friday deals with Savanna, I sit in my agent’s conference room, bored out of my mind. Four teams present their pitches.

I just want to play pro hockey.

Nate is beside me, his presence alone calming my anxiety. Dad occupies the chair next to my agent, Mickey Conway, leaning over to whisper in his ear.

Mickey nods and looks at me.

To my surprise, Spencer asked to attend the meetings. He’s on my dad’s left, scribbling notes on a legal pad. Spencer is more successful than everyone in this room combined. He’s skilled in business and a lawyer like my agent.

After the final pitch, the team representatives exit the room. All four of them wait on the other side of the door for my decision.

My heart thumps rapidly in my chest. Everything I sacrificed to be here has now come to fruition.

“Ready, kid?” Mickey asks.

I clear my throat and nod.

Mickey slides four contracts across the table. Nate intercepts them and flips through the pages. This is good practice for his career. Mickey doesn’t know it, but I want Nate to represent me after he graduates and completes the certification process.

“They’re pretty standard,” Mickey tells me. “Two-year contracts because of your age.”

I almost laugh because twenty-two is not old. But in hockey years, I’m already behind. I could have played at eighteen but chose to stay with Nate. And I’m glad I chose him.

“Each team is offering the top salary for a rookie,” Mickey says. “Plus a ten percent signing bonus and an A-level performance bonus with a max of one mill. Two teams added B-level bonuses worth up to two and a half mill.”

I glance at Nate. “Do I choose the money or the team?”

He rolls his broad shoulders against the highback leather chair. “It’s up to you.”

“I grew up wanting to play for the Rangers,” I say. “I’m a hometown guy. But…”

“The Islanders are paying more,” Spencer interjects. “Personally, I would go with them. And you would still be in New York.”

“Agreed,” Mickey says. “But the choice is yours, kid. You also got a nice offer from the Kings. Depends if you want to relocate to the West Coast.”

The thought of moving makes my stomach turn.

I love the East Coast.

It’s my home.

I glance across the table at my dad. “For the sake of our relationship, I think it would be a mistake to play for the Rangers.”

He sits back in the chair, hands clasped, and nods. “Whatever you decide, I will support it.”

I have spent my life trying to measure up to him, to prove that I am worthy of his love. As much as it pains me to reject his team’s offer, I must go with my gut.

With another team, I can create a new legacy that is not tainted by his. Besides, I couldn’t handle his coaching style. He would be harder on me than the other players just to prove he wasn’t showing me special treatment.

I grab the contracts, pick the one I know deep in my soul is the right choice, and sign the document. Mickey looks at it, rises from the chair, and opens the door.

“Walt, get in here,” he shouts.

A balding man dressed in a black suit enters the room, a grin tugging at his mouth. He walks over to my side of the table, and I rise from the chair to match his height. Tears prick my eyes, but I won’t let them spill. Later, I might have a happy cry, but not now.

He stretches out his hand and shakes mine. “Welcome to the Islanders, River.”

To celebrate the day, Nate booked us a suite at The Plaza with a view of Central Park. Apparently, he’d planned this because our bags were already in my trunk before I woke up this morning.

After we eat and check in, Nate drags me to the bedroom. He stares at the bed like he’s thinking about all the dirty shit we are going to do on it. His eyes light up. A wicked grin crosses his face.

He bends down, hooks his arms around my thighs, and tosses me over his shoulder. I’m almost the same height and weight. But Nate is built strong, muscles bulging from everywhere.

Impatient and horny, he throws me onto the mattress. “I need to be inside you. Fuck, it’s been killing me.”

Kneeling between my legs, he strips off his shirt. As usual, Nate is aggressive and takes the lead. And I let him. He’s so damn bossy in the bedroom. I’m not a beta in any other aspect of my life, but I secretly love it when my boyfriend tells me what to do.

I sit up and flip the button of his jeans, which are on the floor in seconds. Nate peels off his boxer briefs and quickly undresses me. One second, I’m clothed, and the next, my shirt, pants, and boxers are scattered across the room.

Nate rolls off me and grabs the lube from my suitcase. “Get on your knees,” he says as he inches toward me, dabbing the gel on his finger.

I get on all fours, and he moves behind me, rubbing his palm over his bare ass. “So perfect. My handprint will look good right here.”

He circles his hand on my left cheek and spanks me. I moan at the sudden sensation, the pain going straight to my hard cock.

Nate reaches around to jerk my shaft and puts a finger in my ass. “My boyfriend has such a pretty hole.”

He pulls out and drizzles the gel into my crack, smearing it with two fingers before plunging them in me.

“Look at you, nice and wet for me,” Nate growls, working me at the exact rhythm that he finger-fucks my ass.

Pressing my cheek to the mattress, I moan, “Oh god. Right there.”

He hits my prostate, over and over, until I’m ready to burst. My dick is like steel in his hand.

“Fuck me,” I bite out, sick of waiting, loose and dripping with lube. “I can’t take it anymore. Stop edging me.”

After he removes his fingers, he slides inside me without much protest. I’m used to handling all of him.

From the start, he was everything I ever wanted. Everything I craved. I savor every second, knowing I’m the luckiest man in the world. Nate slides his long, fat dick in and out of me and, each time, slams back into me. A sound like a growl falls from my mouth as I buck my hips.

I want more.

I always do.

Nate bends forward, his lips ghosting my earlobe. “You can’t get enough of me fucking this tight ass.”

“Fuck, yes,” I mumble, drunk on pleasure, overwhelmed by all the sensations spreading through my body.

I clench around him, and he groans in my ear.

“Mmm, I love it when you squeeze my cock.” He grips my ass, holding me tight to create more friction. “Fuck, Riv… You’re so…”

Before he can finish his thought, he spills inside me, and that sets me over the edge. He grips my shoulder, holding me up as my release coats the bedsheet.

With us joined, I feel his arms shake until the force of his orgasm subsides. We fall onto the mattress, legs locked and breathing harder.

“I have never liked sex this much,” Nate confesses. “Not until you. You make everything better, Riv.”

Needing to feel our skin pressed together, I climb on top of him, clinging like a koala. Whenever women did this to Nate, he freaked out. He never cared for intimacy. But with me, his walls come crumbling down. I’m the only one who gets this side of Nate.

He strokes his fingers through my sweaty hair and smiles. “I’m going to miss you when we’re apart. I hate that you’re leaving school. But I’m proud of you. I’m so happy for you. You deserve this. The Islanders are lucky to have you.”

“Will you be okay without me?”

He purses his lips. “I think so.”

“I’ll be right across the bay.” I press a kiss to his mouth. “And we’ll talk all the time. We’ll see each other whenever I can. Promise.”

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll have our teammates to keep me company and copious amounts of our homemade porn.” Nate reaches for his phone on the nightstand and points it at me. “I need more spank bank material.”

“Yeah,” I agree, unable to contain my smile. “It’s time to start a new collection.”

CHAPTER 20

RIVER

Today is my last day in the house, and I dread leaving Nate in the morning. He clings to my side, following me everywhere I go.

Like a lost puppy.

I stuff some clothes into a box. Nate is beside me, his eyes tracking every movement. He helps me pack, but awkward silence fills the room. Neither of us says the words on the tips of our tongues.

I don’t want to leave him.

He’s afraid I will forget him.

Nate’s still in recovery and on shaky ground. Most days, I see a vast improvement. Other days, when he wakes up from nightmares, he attaches himself to me. I worry about how he will console himself at night and if not having me here will cause him to spiral again.

“That’s the last of it,” I tell him when the final box is stacked in the back of the moving van.

Nate stares at the boxes and frowns.

“Hey.” I clutch his wrist and pull him closer. “This isn’t the end, Nate. We only have a few more months. And then, you can come live with me on Long Island.”

Nate shakes his head, his eyes glassy. “I hate this.”

“So do I. But we still have the winter break. You can stay with me. We’ll have a few weeks together. Just us.”

“And your team,” he adds with a sneer.

“I want you with me wherever I go. Okay?”

Before he can respond, Parker stumbles out of the house with Monroe, Waters, and Carter dressed in black and gold Kingston University jackets and track pants. Nate and I are wearing the same outfits, per tradition, on game nights. They’re playing against the Wolverines, one of our toughest competitors.

“Brooks, we need you focused tonight,” Parker says as he walks toward us. “Stop straining those muscles and eat with us.”

He glances at me for confirmation.

“I’m not the team captain anymore,” I whisper, tipping my head at Parker.

After I gave my notice to the team and withdrew from college, our coach named Parker team captain. He deserves it. For the past four years, he’s carried the weight around the house. Without Parker, the place would be a disaster. The guys also respect him.

“You too, Rousseau,” Parkers says as if it’s an order. “It’s your last supper.”

“It’s not like you guys will never see me again,” I point out, inching toward the house with Nate at my side.

“We’ll see you on our TVs,” Parker beams proudly. He slaps my back. “You’re going to crush it on the ice. Don’t worry about us. We’ll bring home another Frozen Four title without you.”

I laugh. “Cocky motherfucker.”

“You know it.” He shoves a hand through his black curly hair and smirks. “Coach said you can sit on the bench with us tonight for your big farewell.”

“We’re gonna miss you, bro,” Carter says with a lopsided grin. “Won’t be the same playing without you the rest of the season.”

“Ah, you guys will do fine. Just trust yourselves. Listen to Parker. He knows what he’s talking about.”

Parker winks and heads into the house.

Monroe offers his hand for me to shake. “Good luck, Rousseau. I’d say we’ll miss you, but I’m sure we’ll watch all of your games.”

“You guys can come to the home games,” I tell him. “I’ll send tickets to Nate.”

“Oh, sweet,” Monroe says, pumping his fist in the air.

As we step inside the house, Waters tugs on my shirt. I turn to face him, and he surprises me by giving me what could pass as a hug. His giant arm slides across my neck and taps my shoulder.

“Sorry for always giving you shit. You’re a good dude, though. Great player. And not a bad housemate…” His eyes flick to Nate. “When you’re not, ya know… making fucking noise.”

Nate glares at him and mutters, “I’m not in the mood, big guy.”

“Calm down,” Waters shoots back at him. “I was just fucking around.”

“Yeah, and we had a deal,” Nate reminds him. “And don’t forget it.”

Once I’m settled in with my new team and feel comfortable, I will tell the world and shout about our love at the top of my lungs.

I want the future Nate promised me.

The marriage proposal.

The engagement ring.

The wedding.

I want all of it with him.

Our housemates gather around the massive dining room table. Three giant lasagna pans, several baskets of garlic bread, and salad are spaced out among the place settings. We always load up on carbs before a game. This way, we have enough glycogen stored up for those quick bursts of energy on the ice.

Parker sits at the head of the table, a bottle of water raised in his hand. “To Rousseau, may he one day be an NHL legend like his father.” He dips his head and smiles. “We will miss you, brother.”

“To Rousseau,” the room chants.

Nate’s eyes find mine as we drink. He forces a grin, hiding the pain in his eyes. Already, he looks so lost, and I’m still here.

Fuck.

I sit on the bench beside Coach Marten, watching the game as a spectator for once. It feels weird to share the same space as my team and not play, especially when they fight like hell to get points on the scoreboard.

We’re down by two points in the second period with less than a minute on the clock. I feel responsible for the deficit. If I were on the ice, I would make different choices than my former teammates. Their dumb mistakes are costing them the game. Parker might be a good leader, but he’s not that skilled of a hockey player.

The puck sails down the ice, and Nate rushes after it. He checks a player into the boards, knocking him into the Plexiglass. Nate sweeps the puck with his stick, but the winger recovers quickly, shoving Nate from behind.

Nate doesn’t see it coming and crashes to the ice. He stops moving, head turned to the side. My heart plummets into my stomach, racing into overdrive.

“Get up,” I whisper, unable to contain my anxiety.

Players skate around him, and the referee moves them aside. He bends down and tries to wake Nate. When he doesn’t respond, I hop over the wall without thinking, my sneakers landing on the ice.

I slide my way over to him, holding my arms out at my sides for balance. Kneeling beside Nate, I cup his cheek and get in his face.

“Nate, wake up,” I choke out, on the verge of tears. “Please. You can’t do this to me.” Since he’s unresponsive, I lean down and whisper in his ear, “You promised me forever. I’m holding you to it. So, please open your eyes.”

A few seconds later, his lips part, and then he groans from taking such a brutal hit. Hockey is a dangerous sport. It’s not for the weak.

His eyes flutter open. “River,” he whispers.

“I’m here,” I say, leaning closer. “You scared the shit out of me. I thought⁠—”

Before I can finish my sentence, he spits his mouthguard onto the ice, and then his lips are on mine, his tongue invading my mouth. I’m so relieved to have him back that I don’t fight the pull between us. Getting lost in the moment, I kiss him so hard my chest aches.

Someone cheers.

A few people clap.

The arena bursts into catcalls and howls.

Women are screaming our names.

“Kiss, kiss, kiss,” they chant.

“Oh fuck,” I mumble, refusing to look at everyone staring at us. “What did we…”

Nate sits up and clutches my neck. “Might as well give them what they want. Our secret is out.”

I wonder if he did that on purpose, but at the moment, I don’t care. A sense of relief fills my chest as our teammates crowd around us, clapping.

Am I in The Twilight Zone?

This must be a dream.

I look up, mouth hanging open in shock, my pulse pounding in my ears. “So, um… We’re together.”

“We know,” Parker says.

“We’ve always known,” Monroe adds. “It’s cool. No one cares.”

“Yeah?”

He nods along with my other teammates.

“Okay,” I say, at a loss for words. “Thanks, I guess… for keeping our secret.”

“It wasn’t ours to share,” Parker says, tucking his stick under his arm. “But dude, we gotta get back on the clock. So, can you guys wrap this up?”

Nate snickers. “Ah, fuck you guys. If I want to tackle River to the ice and fuck him, I will.”

“Wow,” Carter responds, “Too far, bro. Didn’t need to hear that.”

“Thought you were cool with us,” Nate tosses back at him, holding his right side and wincing.

“Yeah, I am. But I’d rather not think about you guys fucking. I heard enough weird sounds coming from your bedrooms over the years.”

Nate is unsteady from his fall, so Monroe and I drag him over to the bench. He hisses at the pain in his side and almost falls. By some miracle, we manage to get Nate on solid ground.

“Rousseau, Brooks, what the fuck do you think you’re doing on my ice?” Coach Marten barks out. “This isn’t a reality TV show. Save that shit for when you go home. We got a game to win.”

“Sure thing, Coach,” Nate grumbles.

“Sorry, Coach,” I add. “Won’t happen again.”

“No, it won’t,” he snaps, glancing down at a clipboard. “Brooks, go see the doctor. You’re out for the rest of the game until he clears you to play. And Rousseau…” He clasps my shoulder. “Good luck in the NHL. I’m proud of you.”

I flash a smile. “Thanks, Coach. I learned a lot from you.”

He laughs. “No, you didn’t. That was all your dad. But thanks for humoring an old man.”

With my arm around Nate, I lead him out of the rink. The team physician guides us to a room where he performs a few neurological tests on Nate.

“I don’t see any immediate causes for concern,” Dr. Reynolds says with a hopeful grin. “But that doesn’t mean you won’t show symptoms of a concussion later. You know the signs. Keep an eye out for them. Can you remove your jersey and gear for me? I need to examine your back and ribs.”

Nate undresses, and I gasp at the reddish-purple marks already forming on his skin. The one on his back is about the size of my hand. He also has a puck-sized one on his ribs.

“You took a header,” Dr. Reynolds says with a sigh. “I don’t see any swelling in your abdomen, which is a good sign. Are you having any difficulty breathing, vision changes, or dizziness?”

Nate shakes his head.

“How about nausea?”

Another head shake.

“If you start to experience any of the symptoms I mentioned, you need to get to a hospital. Understand me?”

“Yes,” Nate mutters.

The doctor turns to me. “Can you keep an eye on him? His condition could change at any time?”

“I’m leaving in the morning.”

Dr. Reynolds looks at Nate. “Do you have someone else around just in case? A roommate?”

Nate nods. “I have eight of them.”

“Good,” he says. “Well, if you’re feeling okay, you can watch the rest of the game. But I’m not clearing you to play. Sit this one out. We’ll assess your condition before the next game.”

From the expression on Nate’s face, I can see he’s relieved. He didn’t want to play tonight because that meant less time with me.

We exit the room, our hands linked and savoring our final moments together because we won’t have this for a while once the sun comes up.

CHAPTER 21

RIVER

My cell phone dings with hundreds of messages and calls. I can’t ignore them forever, but Nate and his health are my primary concern.

He often brushes off injuries. This isn’t the first time he’s taken a hit that knocked him out. Nate is rough on the ice and doesn’t mind getting dirty.

So far, he’s not showing signs of a concussion. He seems alert and does not stagger or slur his words. Although, I am worried about the bruises on his back and ribs.

I strip off his T-shirt and study the discolored skin. My fingers trace around the spot around his rubs, careful not to touch it.

“What are you doing?” Nate bites out.

“Checking for swelling. The doctor asked you those questions⁠—”

“I know, I know. And I don’t have internal bleeding. Trust me, Riv. I’m fine.”

“You wouldn’t tell anyone if you did. That tough guy act doesn’t work on me.” I move behind him and glance at his back. “Keep an eye on these, okay? If anything feels wrong, or you show any signs⁠—”

“I will,” he promises. “I’m not going to die on you.”

“Better not.” I put my hands on his shoulders and squeeze, our lips inches apart. “It would kill me.”

“If you die before me, I’d totally Romeo myself,” he jokes, but I’m not laughing. “The thought of living without you…”

Deflated by his response, my hands drop to my sides. “Nate, this isn’t comforting. At all. You can’t talk about suicide the night before I leave. This is freaking me out.”

He shrugs. “Wouldn’t be the first time.”

“And I didn’t like it back then. Please call Dr. Swanson in the morning.”

“I’m not going to off myself, you idiot. I shouldn’t have said that. It was stupid.”

I pull him to me, gripping the skin on his neck, and hold him tightly. “I’m hurting, too, Nate. But we’ll get through this. Together.”

His long fingers dig into my hips. Rough and possessive, Nate claims me.

Again, my cell phone rings with more calls and messages, ruining our moment of peace. Our lives will never be the same. We will always have as much hate as support.

“You should deal with that,” Nate says when my cell phone beeps for the millionth time. “Get it over with… and then we can spend the rest of the night naked and all over each other.”

I smile at the thought and swipe my phone from the nightstand. Reporters beg for interviews. Content creators tagged me on social media. There are so many notifications my head spins. So, I focus on the texts first.

Scrolling down the screen, I see congratulatory messages from unknown numbers. I never give out my number for a reason, yet somehow, they have mine.

Ignorning them, I search for people in my Contacts and see my parents.

Dad

Call me now.

Mom

I’m so proud of you, Rivie. Love you.

Dad

What were you thinking?

Dad

Turn on the news.

Dad

Don’t ignore me, River. We need to do damage control.

I respond to my mom with I love you and save the dreaded conversation with my dad for last.

“Do you mind if I call my dad?”

Nate sits on the bed and nods. “Go ahead.”

My hand shakes as I raise the phone to my ear. He answers on the first ring.

“What would possess you to do that in front of thousands of people?”

“Dad, calm down. I didn’t mean for it to happen.”

“Well, it did… and now everyone knows you’re gay. The story is on every news channel. All over social media. They’re calling it the kiss felt around the world.”

“Huh? What are they saying?”

He sighs. “You have a lot of support from fans. A lot of hate, too. Your new teammates are posting on Twitter… or X. Whatever the hell it’s called now.”

“And?”

“From what I read, it’s good. They’re supportive. I’m still worried for you, River. Now that people know⁠—”

“I’ll be fine, Dad.”

“I hope so,” he mutters. “I don’t want anything to happen to you. People are mean. They can do horrible things when they don’t understand… I love you, River. And I’m afraid for you.”

“I know,” I say, pacing across the room while Nate watches with a wary look. “But being gay isn’t as stigmatized as it was thirty years ago.”

“The NHL has not been welcoming of people like you. They banned specialty jerseys on the ice after players refused to wear Pride jerseys.”

“Yeah, but they allow Pride tape now. They reversed the ban.”

“I wouldn’t push it. Just keep your head down and play your best game.”

I sink to the mattress beside Nate, and he touches my knee for support. “What do we do about all the publicity?”

“Don’t accept any interviews until you talk to me. Okay?”

“I don’t want to talk to anyone. My personal life is none of their business.”

“I wish it were that simple… but it’s not. You have to be your best this season and the next. Don’t give the team a reason not to re-sign you.”

“Yeah, Dad. I will try.”

“I can only do so much on my end. If, for some reason, things don’t work out on Long Island, you can play for me. Just stay focused on what’s important.”

I chose the Islanders to create a legacy separate from his, and I don’t want my dad to bail me out. No matter what people say about me, I will play at the highest level possible, even if I have to push myself to the limit.

“Can we talk about this on my drive to Long Island?” I ask my dad. “I’m tired and need to look after Nate. He took a pretty bad hit tonight.”

“How’s Nate doing?”

“Hanging in there.”

He breathes into the phone. “Good. Tell him to stay off his feet and get some rest. Call me before you get to the arena.”

After I hang up, I toss the phone on the bed and curl up beside Nate. Regardless of what people say about me, this is my time with Nate—our final hours.

Nate lays on his unbruised side, an arm slung over me, nestling his nose in the crook of my neck. “I’m going to miss this. You and me. I took it for granted for so long.”

“Hey, don’t go there. Nothing will change. You still have me.”

“Not in the physical sense.”

I was going to wait to reveal the surprise purchase I made for us. But as they say, there’s no better time than the present.

I sit up and offer him my hand. “I want to show you something.”

Nate slips his fingers between mine. “Do I have to get dressed?”

“Yes. Put on something warm. We’re going down to the water.”

He complies with my request, bundling in black Kingston University Ice Hockey sweatpants with a gold stripe down the side and a matching hoodie.

Five minutes later, we’re standing at the shoreline, staring at the twinkling lights across the bay. One of many reasons I chose this school is that you can be in one state and see another. I have always been fascinated by places like that.

I point a finger across the water. “Do you see that house? The one with a light on the back porch?”

Nate nods. “What about it?”

“I bought it for us.”

“You did what?” Nate gasps, turning to face me. “Are you kidding? You haven’t even met your teammates yet. Why would you do that? How did you…?”

“My mom,” I confess. “Remember when she called during dinner? That was to tell me the good news. I wanted to be as close to you as possible. So I did the research, and my mom checked out the house. She loved it so much that I put an offer on it. The owners accepted a few hours ago.”

Nate throws his arms around me, lifting my feet off the ground, but he groans and sets me back down. “Ugh, that wasn’t the best idea. Fuck.”

“Are you hurt?”

He shakes his head. “No. Just sore. I’m good. Keep going. Tell me everything.”

Standing chest to chest with him, I kiss his lips. “I want you to stay in college and get your degree so you can be my agent someday. But I know you’ll struggle without me. I’m worried you’ll fall apart.”

“I have the team and Dr. Swanson. I’ll be fine.”

I stroke his cheek. “Whenever you get lonely or scared… or want to feel closer to me, come here. Look at that light on the patio. It will always guide your way to me.”

Nate sniffles and lays his head on my shoulder. “Fuck, this is hard. I hate being apart from you.”

“I don’t want to go… but I have to.”

“I love you.” He lifts his head, and our eyes lock. “I love you so much it hurts.” As I reach out to inspect his bruises, he says, “Not that kind of pain. Emotional. I never knew I could feel like this. I can see why people avoid falling in love because it’s both amazing and horrible at the same time.”

“I love you, too. I want forever, Nate. You promised me that.”

“If I could lock you up and keep you all to myself, I would. I’m a selfish asshole. But not with you. Never with you. I love you too much not to push you toward your dream, even if it means leaving me behind.”

Dr. Swanson explained that Nate has an attachment style called anxious attachment that makes him clingy and afraid of losing me. According to the doctor, I have a secure attachment, which is the most common and helpful for someone like Nate. She believes my stability keeps him grounded.

Over the past two months of therapy, I have learned so much about Nate and me. I now understand why we work so well together. And why sometimes we’re a complete disaster.

Nate lowers me to the sand, and then we’re kissing and moaning into each other’s mouths. He climbs on top of me, his weight pressed down on me, our cocks rubbing together.

“We’ve never had sex on the beach,” he says, waggling his eyebrows. “What better way to commemorate your big moment?”

“You’re hurt,” I remind him. “We’re not supposed to⁠—”

“I don’t care if I’m dying,” he interjects. “There’s no way in hell I’m not fucking you on our last night together.”

Nate removes his wallet from his pocket and takes out a packet of lube. He gets on his back and shoves down his sweatpants, his hard cock springing free.

“It’s just us out here. Ride me, Riv.”

Checking both ways, I don’t see anyone on the beach. It’s dark, the only light coming from across the water.

“If someone sees us, I will kill you,” I tell him. “I can only handle one scandal at a time.”

“Right now, you only need to worry about handling my big dick.” He fists his shaft and gives himself a few pumps. “I need you, Riv. Please. I need to be inside you.”

I strip off one of my pants legs, do the same with my boxer briefs, and shove them to the side, just enough to make this work. As I lean forward, pressing my palms to the sand on each side of Nate, he rubs the gel on my hole and pushes in his finger.

“Oh fuck,” I grunt. “Nate.”

“I love it when you say my name.”

“Nate,” I say, just to see him smile as he replaces his fingers with his cock, inching inside me. “Nate, Nate, Nate.”

He grips my ass in both hands and slides me up and down his length. “You feel so good, baby.”

Sometimes, he calls me that when we’re having sex. It feels like such an ordinary nickname. So, I whisper words he loves to hear in French.

“Tu es à moi,” I say against the shell of his ear.

He moans, making me feel so full as he pulls out and rocks his hips again, hitting my prostate. “Je suis à vous.”

“I will always be yours.”

One hand stays on my ass, and the other moves to my cheek. “Mine.”

“Le mien,” I agree in a language he only understands when I speak it.

CHAPTER 22

NATE

I wake up to a loud ringing in my ears. It’s not until I sit up and look around the room that I realize it’s my cell phone alarm.

River is leaving me.

I want to scream and cry.

I want to tell him to stay.

But I won’t.

Even with him beside me in bed, naked and looking so damn hot, dread pools in my belly. The slight pain in my ribs and back is nothing compared to how I feel about him walking out that door.

I turn off the alarm and see tons of messages on my phone. River must have thousands of notifications. Reporters are asking me for interviews. The names of people I don’t recognize are texting me.

Pencil Dick

You’re so brave, man. I’m here for you.

Kelly Big Tits

Guess I was right about you and River. Always thought y’all liked each other more than me. Happy for you, tho.

Tori Likes Anal

That kiss could have melted the ice. So hot. Call me if you guys wanna go another round.

Frat Bro

I’m bi. Just throwing it out there if you get bored with River.

Samantha

I know you probably hate me. I’m also not supposed to reach out because of your dad and the documents his lawyers forced me to sign. But I wanted to say congratulations. I hope you and River are happy. I really am sorry about the book and everything. Take care.

I stare at the last message in shock. The nerve of this chick after threatening to expose us with that stupid book. I also need to stop adding people to my Contacts when I’m drunk. Or maybe just ask for their names. No idea who Pencil Dick and Frat Bro are… or the other two girls.

“Morning,” River whispers, drawing my attention back to him.

I bend down and kiss him. “Morning, boyfriend.”

River tackles me to the bed, but when I wince, he gets off me. “Sorry. I didn’t mean… I forgot.”

“I’m okay,” I lie, pushing through the pain radiating up my side.

His fingers brush over my ribs, and I hiss.

“They’re not swollen,” he says, relieved. “Just ugly looking. I think you’ll be okay. But promise me you’ll check in with Dr. Reynolds. I won’t be here to make you do things.”

I nod. “Samantha texted me to congratulate us… and apologize.”

River rolls his eyes. “She can save it.”

After we kiss for a few minutes, I roll off him and slide off the bed. “Take a shower with me.”

Already shirtless, he follows me to the bathroom. Waters stands at the sink, toothbrush in his mouth, the water running. His head snaps to us, and then he spits out the toothpaste.

He looks at River. “You leaving soon?”

River bobs his head. “Need to take a shower first.”

His eyes flick from River to me, taking in our half-naked bodies. If he has something to say about us, he keeps it to himself. He hasn’t talked shit since my dad changed his grade. In fact, he’s been less of an asshole. I was shocked as hell when he hugged River last night.

“It’s all yours,” he says, and we step to the side to let him pass.

I lock the door, and River turns on the shower, feeling for the correct water temperature. We strip out of our boxers and step into the tiled shower, which is large enough to fit several people.

The water rains down on his head and drips into his pretty green eyes. He blinks the droplets away, his sole focus on my face. I take a minute to look at my beautiful boyfriend. Commit every feature of his body to memory.

His cock is at half-mast and pressed into my groin. I’m also hard and rutting against him.

“I need to dirty you up before you go,” I say, grabbing him by the neck and pinning him to the wall. My palm lands on his wet ass, and he yelps at the sudden sting. “I want my cum leaking from your ass and sliding down your thighs.”

My hand dips between his legs, teasing the short hairs as I lick his neck.

He glances over his shoulder and flashes a cocky grin. “Fuck me.”

No amount of distance can erase River and his moans from my mind. He’s permanently imprinted on my skin, his essence inked on my soul.

“The lube is in the drawer,” he mumbles when my finger brushes his hole. “Please, Nate. One more time. I need it. Need you.”

I slide the door open and reach into the vanity drawer, water dripping on the floor. When I find the bottle, I roll some gel onto my finger and get behind River.

Pressing down on his back, I bend him forward and spread his thighs with my knee. “Open up for me.” My lips graze his earlobe as I glide the gel up and down before plunging into him. “So tight. Fuck, I love it.”

River is my addiction.

It was never about the girls.

It’s funny how I once thought I was a sex addict. We could have avoided years of scandals and drama if I had taken my head out of my ass and saw what was staring me in the face. He was always my light in the darkness.

River moans as I add another finger and bite his neck. “Please, Nate. More. Fuck me. Please.”

I nibble on his skin. “I love it when you beg.”

He tilts his head to the side to encourage me to kiss the spot where I bit him.

“Choke me,” he whispers. “I’m so close.”

As I thrust into him, he strokes his big cock, cheek mashed against the tiled wall. I give him what he wants and apply some pressure to his throat, my thumb rolling over his windpipe.

“Harder,” he whimpers. “I need more.”

I tighten my grip around his throat. River likes being choked and spanked.

“Dirty boy,” I growl in his ear. “You take my dick so well.”

My balls ache, begging for a release, and as a flush of heat washes over my body, I spill my cum inside him. River coats the wall, and he relaxes against it, needing my weight crushing his back to stop him from sinking to the floor.

I slip my finger into his hole. “You’re so full of my cum.” I add another finger and flick my tongue over his ear. “Look at you, baby. You’re mine.”

“Yours,” he whispers, completely spent.

“Yeah, you are.” I grip his ass and spread him for me. “This is all fucking mine.”

We say our final goodbyes in my bedroom, tears leaking from our eyes. River kisses me. I kiss him back. And after he’s tucked inside his car, I hunch beside his open window.

“I’m going to marry you someday.” Clutching the door, I smile. “And I want to make a big deal about it. Because I want everyone to know you’re mine.”

A single tear slides down his cheek. I reach inside the car to wipe it away with my thumb.

“In two weeks, you’ll come to stay with me,” he says, a hint of hope in his voice. “And I expect you to be on your best behavior until then. Don’t stop writing in your journal. Keep going to your therapy appointments. And make sure you pay attention to those bruises. If you see⁠—”

I put my finger over his mouth. “I know, Riv. I got this. I’m a big boy.”

He smirks. “Oh, I know.”

Of course, his mind goes to that dirty place. Sex is such a regular part of our relationship. Years of passing around women have bonded us in ways that cross the typical bonds of friendship. But he’s not just my best friend anymore.

River is my everything.

“Call me when you get to Long Island.” I give him a quick peck and tap the hood. “You should get on the road before I drag you out of this car and lock you in my bedroom.”

He laughs. “I wouldn’t mind being your prisoner. But yeah, I do need to go. I told my dad I would call him on the way.”

As River drives away, my heart sinks to my stomach. All the nerves and fear bubble up inside me like lava.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

No matter how often I repeat the mantra, I don’t believe a word. My life without River is not a life.

Parker meets me on the front porch before I get too deep into my thoughts. Wearing black joggers and a hoodie, he tucks his hands into his pockets and smiles.

“I wanna talk to you about something,” he says as he walks down the stairs. “Come for a walk with me. It’s important.”

CHAPTER 23

RIVER

Today marks the start of my professional hockey career. All of the years of busting my ass have finally paid off. I dreamed of this moment. But I miss Nate and my teammates. I miss the familiarity of my old life.

I was a big fish in a small pond at Kingston University. Now, I’m a nobody. A player with no pro stats or recorded accomplishments. No adoring fans who wear my jersey to every game.

One day, they will.

As I head into the rink, hockey bag slung over my shoulder, I grab my cell phone. Nate has already texted ten times.

He even called twice.

Considering I last saw him less than two hours ago, I worry how he’ll fare without me. His first night alone might send him over the edge.

I scan the new messages he sent in the past ten minutes and sigh.

Nate

I moved my stuff into your bedroom.

Nate

It smells like you.

Nate

I’m not washing your sheets.

Nate

Parker’s pissed because your room is bigger than his. He wanted it. I told him to fuck off.

He snaps a picture of him in my bed, head tilted back on my pillow, his blond hair a mess.

River

How are you feeling?

Nate

My ribs are sore.

River

How are you emotionally?

Nate

I feel like you took a part of me with you.

River

I miss you too.

River

Je vous aime.

Nate

I know this one.

Nate

Love you too.

He loves it when I speak French to him. Outside of my dad’s family, I rarely speak it. Every summer, we visited Quebec. Dad would go back and forth between Canada and the States for hockey while I stayed with my mom and grandparents. They hammered the language into my brain.

River

I’m here. Can’t talk. I’ll call you later.

I silence the phone and stuff it into my bag. On my way inside the rink, I force back the bile rising, willing the nerves to go away. You’d think I would be relaxed after my shower with Nate. But my raging anxiety has come back in full force.

I have undergone too many changes in a week. My parents discovered I’m gay. I inked a lucrative hockey deal with a hometown team. Nate got hurt. I kissed my boyfriend in front of thousands of people… and the world.

It will be okay.

Don’t freak out.

On my drive to Long Island, my dad updated me on the media frenzy. Most of the responses have been positive. Several dozen celebrities tweeted the news, offering their congratulations. Some said I was brave. Others wished me luck in my first season.

But I worry more about the less vocal people, like my teammates, who stop talking when I enter the locker room.

Hello, awkward, my old friend.

It’s so quiet I can hear them breathing. Thankfully, the tension doesn’t last long. One of the players closest to me—the top defenseman in the league—waves as he approaches me.

“Hey, River,” he says, offering his hand. “I’m Calloway Marshall. But you can call me Cal. Welcome to the team.”

I know, I want to say, but hold my tongue. My new teammates factored into my decision to choose the Islanders over the Rangers.

I shake his hand, grinning like an idiot. “Thanks, Cal. I’m happy to be here.”

Ugh, I sound like such a loser.

After Cal introduces himself, many guys share the same sentiments. A few give me shit about being a rookie and earning my spot. Coach Thompson shakes my hand. Three guys congratulate me on being brave and coming out publicly. Several players make faces at that or roll their eyes.

I figured some people would take issue with my sexuality. So, I need to address the group while I have their undivided attention.

“I’m sure you guys have heard the news,” I say loud enough for everyone to hear, including my new coach, the trainers, and everyone in the vicinity. “I don’t want you to feel weird around me. Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I’m interested in any of you. I’m here to play the sport I love. Okay?”

“Yeah,” Cal says with a nod. “We’re good.”

A bunch of grunts echo around the room.

“I thought it was crazy brave for you to come out like that,” Donovan says, slapping his hand on my back.

Donovan Marsten, along with Cal, was one of the players who tweeted after the press release.

Coach Thompson moves beside me as the crowd disperses, back to business and preparing for practice.

“Your dad is an old friend. I’m banking on you being even better than Ryan.” He winks. “Welcome to the team, rookie.”

After practice, I drive to my new house and park in my driveway. Until now, I have never had a place to call my own. I went from living with my parents to a boarding school dorm and the on-campus house.

This is not just my home.

It’s Nate’s.

My mother’s Bentley is parked by the five-car garage. She texted earlier to say the furniture company was coming earlier than expected.

I enter the Colonial-style home with a massive foyer, high ceilings, and dozens of windows. Sunlight streams into the living room, casting a glow over the space.

My mom sits on the sectional couch, feet kicked up on the chaise, cell phone in hand. She perks up when she hears my feet on the hardwood floor. A smile lights up her beautiful face.

“Rivie,” she says, rising from the couch. “How was your first practice with the team?”

“Good.” I lean forward and kiss her cheek. “Thanks for doing this, Momma.”

“Your dad helped.” She shrugs. “He just left to pick up an early dinner for the three of us.”

“Cool, I’m starving. I haven’t eaten since breakfast.”

She slips her fingers between mine and tugs me toward the kitchen. “Let me give you the tour of your new house. The delivery men assembled the furniture. And your dad helped me move things around. But you can do whatever you want.”

“I’m sure it’s fine,” I tell her as we enter the kitchen.

I grab a bottle of water from the refrigerator and down half of it. My gaze drifts to the windows overlooking the bay. The impressive water view is worth every penny.

Only the outline of Kingston University is visible from this distance. But knowing Nate is across the water brings me comfort. I bought this house to feel closer to him.

“I need to call Nate,” I tell my mom, removing the phone from my pocket. “Do you mind if I do that before we tour the house?”

She nods. “Go ahead. I’m sure he’s having a fit without you. That boy is so in love it’s adorable.”

I pause and turn to look at her. “Did you see it?”

“Yeah, I did. I saw how you both looked at each other. So did your dad, which is why he was so hard on you. I wish he hadn’t reacted the way he did… But he’s coming around. He even bought a Pride jersey with your number to support you.”

My eyes widen in shock. “Seriously?”

“He feels terrible about what he said, Rivie.” Mom props her hip against the marble island and tucks blonde strands behind her ears. “Guys like your dad grow up thinking men must be tough and macho. That being gay makes you soft. It’s just how he was raised. You know what your grandfather was like.”

I bob my head to agree.

“But it doesn’t excuse his behavior.” She slides her arm across my shoulders. “He’s trying to make up for being a jerk. You should see what he did for you upstairs. It’s really special.”

“Show me.”

We race up the staircase to the second floor. The house has two floors and a finished basement. All the bedrooms are on the top floor. I walk past the master, two guest rooms, and a home gym and halt at the last door on my right.

Mom pushes it open, smiling as she steps inside. “What do you think?”

I had told her I wanted a game room decorated with hockey memorabilia. But I hadn’t expected my dad to help or finish it in one day.

Every jersey I have ever worn is displayed in glass cases on the walls. I’m shocked to see all my peewee hockey jerseys at the top of the wall. Then, Remington Academy, Kingston University, and the New York Islanders are spaced around the Pride jersey with my last name and number.

There’s an oversized couch facing a massive flat-screen TV. Of course, I needed an air hockey table. Nate and I used to play all the time at boarding school. I thought it would be a nice touch to have something that brought us together in our home.

I hug my mom. “Thank you. This looks amazing. I love it. Nate will, too.”

The front door slams downstairs, and my dad shouts, “I’m home. Come eat.”

“Go ahead,” I tell her. “I want to call Nate on FaceTime.”

She flashes a sweet grin and closes the door as she leaves. I plop onto the couch and call Nate the second she’s gone. He answers on the first ring, shirtless and sweaty.

“Anxious to hear from me?” I ask, smiling so hard it hurts, holding out the phone so he can see my face.

“Always,” he says, sounding out of breath. “I was just…”

He lowers the screen to show his hard cock fisted in his other hand. “I was watching our porn. But now that I have the real thing... Wanna play with me?”

“I can’t. My parents are downstairs eating dinner.” I pan the room so he can see it. “My dad did this for us. He bought a Pride jersey. Can you believe it?”

His eyebrows raise as he looks at the wall of jerseys. “Wow. He’s not being an asshole anymore, huh?”

“No. I think he feels bad.”

“Well, he should,” he grunts, the screen moving with his hand. “Oh fuck.”

“Nate, are you kidding me? How can you carry on a conversation and still do that?”

“Easy.” He makes a kissy face. “I get to look at you while I do it.”

I lean back on the cushion and watch his mouth open and close, seeing the hot-as-hell faces he makes right before he orgasms.

“Come for me, Nate,” I whisper. “Pretend it’s my ass… Fill me with your cum.”

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he growls, his body trembling as an orgasm rocks through him.

Nate tilts the phone and lets me see the cum dripping down his cock, some of it on his hand and sheets. “I needed that, baby. Thanks.”

After his breathing returns to normal, I say, “Do you want a tour of our house?”

His eyes light up. “Our house? Fuck, I love how that sounds. Ours. We’re getting married after graduation. Like right away. I don’t want to waste another second.”

“You have to propose first.”

“Oh, so it’s on me?” Nate cleans himself up with a towel and tosses it on the floor. “Would you say yes?”

“What kind of question is that?”

For someone so sure of himself in most aspects of his life, Nate can be so insecure with me. It makes no sense. He has the face of a cover model, a pro athlete’s body, and a brilliant mind. But his heart is my favorite part of him.

No one loves me like Nate.

All-consuming and intoxicating.

He tucks a pillow behind his head, resting against the headboard. “Will you marry me, River?”

“Ask me again when we’re together. And I want romance.”

“Yeah?” Nate cocks his head to the side and chuckles. “Do you want me to ask your dad for permission? Sing you a song? Get down on one knee and tell you how much I love you?”

“I want the moment to be special. And for us to be together when you ask me again.”

“Now, I’m gonna make you wait.”

“Dick,” I grind out.

“You love my dick.” He laughs. “Wanna see it? I can get hard for you again.”

Before I answer, my mother calls my name.

“Give me a minute,” I yell.

“Hey, babe, I have to go. I’ll call you after I eat. You need a proper view of our house.”

“Oh,” Nate says. “Remind me to tell you about Parker the next time we talk.”

“What about Parker?”

He smirks and ends the call.

CHAPTER 24

NATE

Parker enters my room and shuts the door. On our walk around campus, he admitted something I never expected.

He’s bisexual.

At first, I thought he was trying to take Rive’s place. I even told him to fuck off. But then, he explained that he was struggling with his sexuality and wanted to talk to someone who understood.

He drags the computer chair near the bed and sits, staring at me. I lean back against the headboard, hands behind my head, wondering what the hell he wants.

Parker slides his fingers through his messy, black curls and sighs. “Can we go to Glitter? I want to see Dean and Ollie again.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

Last week, I took him to Glitter. Parker was like a kid in a candy store, dancing with anyone who humped his ass. Then, he met Dean and Ollie.

Parker licks his lips. “I like Dean and Ollie. The last time… they mentioned doing stuff in a private room. And I kinda want to do it.”

“You know they do that for a living, right? It would just be dancing or sex or whatever they offered you.”

He shrugs. “I don’t care.”

“Parker has a crush,” I say, smirking. “How cute?”

“Shut up.” Parker leans forward, his big body dwarfing the chair. “I’m not as brave as you and River. I still don’t know how you guys did that in front of everyone. But I need to, you know… experiment. See if this is what I really want before I come out.”

“It was an accident. And I was delirious. But I’m glad it happened.”

“I can’t tell my dad,” he whispers. “Or the guys. I just… I don’t want them to look at me differently.”

“No one cares about River and me.”

“Yeah, but you’re you… and he’s River Rousseau. You guys can get away with a lot.”

“You’d be surprised. Give them a chance. I’ve had more love than hate. But you will get the hate. Don’t be surprised if someone shouts a gay slur at you.”

He nods. “I’m not going around campus punching people like you.”

“That asshole deserved it. No one gets to talk shit about River.”

People have approached me on campus since we came out to the world. Most offer the usual congratulatory words or tell me how brave I am. The women we fucked asked for another round.

But the first time someone called me a fag, my blood boiled in my veins. I snapped and punched the asshole, laid his ass out in front of the entire cafeteria. He slid across the floor, blood dripping from his nose, and scrambled back to his table.

I gazed around the room, daring someone else to fuck with me. No one did. After studying me like a specimen under a microscope, they all returned to eating lunch. That was the last day anyone said that word to my face.

River overhears the words whispered behind his back. Some fans have voiced their dislike of him being gay. But for the most part, people are supportive.

“River has a game this weekend,” I tell Parker. “He’s on the road until next week. Sure, we can go to Glitter together. Do you want me to text Dean to let him know?”

“Yes.” A big smile stretches across his face as he rises from the chair. “Wanna play Fortnite with me?”

I shake my head. “Nah. Just because we’re friends now doesn’t mean I’ll let you turn me into a nerd.”

He rises from the chair and snickers. “You’re such an asshole, Brooks.”

The second he leaves the room, I text River since I haven’t heard back from him.

After another therapy session, I sit on River’s bed, back pressed to the wall. The room still smells of him. Even though the sheets need washing, I can’t bring myself to strip them from the mattress.

I miss him too much.

Knees bent into my chest, I prop the journal on my thighs and flip to a blank page. I promised to continue my therapy journey. And I’m glad River insisted. Talking to Dr. Swanson and writing down my thoughts helps me work out my past and all these intense feelings about River.

Today, Dr. Swanson explained how my attachment style impacts my relationships. I have an anxious attachment. I’m so afraid of losing River that I cling to him… and she’s right. Even before we were boyfriends, I couldn’t fathom not being with River every second of the day.

Our lives feel worlds apart when only miles separate us. Most nights, I go down to the shoreline and sit on the beach. Just so I can see the light on the back porch.

He never turns it off.

River told me to go there to feel closer to him. Sometimes, I call him on FaceTime, and we sit there in silence—me on the beach and River reclined in a chair on our veranda. At our house.

I still haven’t visited our new home, where River says we’ll start our lives.

Four more months.

The wait might kill me.

I drop the pen into the book’s fold and toss it onto the bed. Without thinking, I slip on sneakers, grab a winter jacket, and head downstairs. My feet take me straight to River, to the exact spot on the beach I sit every night.

The light blinks in the distance. A twinkle that calls to me like a beacon of hope.

I pull out my phone and call River on FaceTime. He answers on the third ring, his dark hair flopping onto his forehead as he comes into view. His green eyes practically pop off his face, and they are so beautiful that my chest aches.

“Hey, babe,” he says. “You okay?”

He’s been calling me that a lot lately. I like having a nickname. River can call me anything he wants.

“I miss you,” I confess. “Needed to see your face.”

The phone moves as he walks, and I hear him open the French door. “How was therapy?”

He steps outside, the light in the background quickly swallowed up by the darkness. River plops into a chair and licks his lips.

He asked me a question.

I’m too distracted by his face.

The sound of his voice.

River clears his throat. “Did something happen today? You okay?”

“I’m fine. Just…” My words trail off as I think about how to phrase my thoughts. “I hate the distance.”

“I’ll see you next weekend,” he says, hoping to ease my anxiety. “We have two days together. And I plan to use every second to my advantage.”

I stare across the water, directly at the white light leading me home and hold back a sob. Why am I so fucking pathetic? Why can’t I get my shit together and stop acting like such a freak?

I hate anxiety.

I hate this gross feeling.

I hate that I’m clingy.

“I’m greedy,” I say, my gaze drifting back to his face. “I’ll take whatever you’ll give me.”

“You’re going to Glitter with Parker this weekend. At least you’re trying to make friends. I’m shocked you’ve been helping Parker figure out his sexuality.”

I bob my head. “I texted Dean earlier. He reserved a room downstairs. I’m leaving if they start fucking, though. Just throwing that out there. I only have eyes for you.”

River laughs. “Because you’re Riversexual?”

“Now and always.”

Our conversation continues with me telling River about therapy and how well I’m doing in my classes. He says he’s proud of me and that I’m succeeding on my own.

But I still miss him.

Long after we hang up, I sit on the beach, stare at the light leading me home… and fall asleep to thoughts of him.

Always him.

CHAPTER 25

NATE

Weeks turn into months, and the pain of being apart from River lessens over time. Without my teammates—Parker in particular—I would have gone insane. Also, Ollie and Dean have been pretty good friends to me.

So, I asked them to tag along for River’s home game. Parker sits in the passenger seat beside me, tapping his fingers on the center console to the song. Unlike me, he can’t carry a tune when he sings. His voice sounds like birds dying.

I wish he would stop.

But his shitty singing makes me laugh too much to yell at him. Also, Ollie and Dean are in the back, kissing and making sex sounds. The radio drowns those two out. So until they stop, Parker can continue belting the lyrics to “Paint it Black” by The Rolling Stones.

River sent me tickets for the lower bowl, center ice, right on top of the glass. He offered us box seats, but I wanted to see the sweat on his face when he skated down the ice.

All four of us wear Pride jerseys with River’s name and number. We started doing this two months ago. Some of the fans noticed and posted pictures online. After that night, more fans dressed in Pride colors came to the games.

“Hey,” I yell over the music when I see a dick in my rearview mirror. “If either of you gets jizz on my leather, I’ll pull this car over and whoop your asses.”

Dean peels his lips from Ollie’s and laughs. “What? We were bored. Just playing around.”

Parker turns in his seat and licks his lips at Ollie’s big dick fisted in Dean’s hand. He sighs. “Not fair. You guys can’t play without me.”

It’s not like I haven’t watched them do the very same thing on their OnlyFans page. Hell, I’ve watched them fuck on and off-screen. These two are not shy about sex.

Although, seeing them with Parker is interesting. He’s so reserved and serious.

“Jealous?” Ollie asks with a wink.

Parker bites his lip. “Yes.”

The sexual tension in the car is so high, the air reeking of sex and testosterone.

“Enough,” I tell them. “Dean, put Ollie’s dick away. Parker, turn your ass around and stop squirming in your seat. And Ollie, stop egging Dean on. We’re almost at the arena. You can fuck in the bathroom all you want… but not in my car.”

“Yes, Daddy,” Dean jokes, laughing. “I love it when you get all caveman. It’s so hot.”

Parker growls, his jealousy kicking into overdrive. “Dean,” he warns.

He moves his head between our seats, batting the long lashes accentuating his big, blue eyes. “Yes, sexy?”

“You know what you did.” Parker cups his cheek and smiles. “I’m gonna spank you later for it.”

Dean chuckles. “Counting on it, cutie.”

“Y’all are annoying the fuck out of me,” I say to silence this painful conversation. “Shut up and be quiet until we get there.”

“Oh, look,” Dean says, “his southern accent is coming out. That only happens when he’s mad.”

“Don’t push me.” Using my elbow, I shove him off the center console. “Get back in your seat and zip it.”

Dean sits back and settles in beside Ollie, dick now tucked back into his pants. “I really like the sexy cowboy thing. Maybe we could do a video like that.”

“Mmm,” Ollie says. “Yeah, our fans would love that.”

Parker crosses his arms over his chest and sighs, eyes on the road. He has a strange but complicated relationship with the two camboys.

When they first hooked up, he knew they were performers. That they strip several times a week and post videos on their OnlyFans.

The funny thing is that Dean comes from generational wealth. Yet, he sells his body for cash. He mostly does it to help out Ollie, but he also does it to piss off his dad.

“Do you want to join us?” Dean asks Parker as he touches his shoulder. “We could use a third.”

“No, I’m not ready for that,” Parker says. “You guys can do whatever you want.”

They go back and forth about the OnlyFans video for the rest of the car ride. I do my best to block them out, but I can’t ignore how upset Parker gets every time they mention it.

River is on the ice with his team when we find our seats, warming up before the game. I get a nice view of him stretching, his ass facing me. He knows I’m here. The bastard is doing it just to fuck with me. My cock jerks each time he nearly humps the ice. I swipe a hand over my jaw and groan.

“My thoughts exactly,” Dean says, no shame on his face. “You got a fine ass man.”

Ollie never seems bothered by Dean’s flirtiness. He nods in agreement, eyes on River’s ass. You can’t see much in his uniform, but I know what hides beneath each layer.

When I snap my gaze at Parker, his bottom lip is tucked into his mouth. He needs to stop moping. His broody vibe is killing my mojo.

“Jealousy is not a good look on you,” I whisper.

He turns his head to look at me. “I’m not jealous.”

“If you want to be with them, you must accept certain things. I had to accept being away from River for half of each hockey season. It blows… but it’s necessary.”

“I hate when other men look at them,” he says in a hushed tone, leaning into my arm.

“How do you think I feel? River is famous. I go feral whenever people talk about him like he’s a piece of meat. It sucks. But it’s part of the gig. You’ll get used to it.”

“Yeah. But River isn’t doing… you know. What they do.”

“Look, dude, I’m not going to lie to you. I’ve jerked off to both of your boyfriends. More than once. So has River. They’re the reason River and me are together.”

His eyes widen. “I could have lived without knowing that.”

I shrug. “I’m surprised you didn’t. I assumed Ollie and Dean would have told you.”

River rises from the ice and spins around to face us. He skates over to the glass and puts his gloved hand on it. It’s been ten days since I last saw him in person, and my heart slams into my chest.

The crowd screams his name. River takes out his mouthguard, smiles, and waves, keeping his other hand on the glass.

I hop out of my seat and place my hand against his.

“Je vous aime,” he says because he knows how much I love when he speaks French.

“I love you, too, baby.”

I blow him a kiss that he pretends to catch. The women a few rows behind me scream our names. All of the fans know me. River mentions me in almost every interview. Most of his TikTok videos and Instagram pictures feature me. He’s not afraid to let everyone know he loves me.

“You guys are so cute it’s gross,” Dean shouts over the fans.

“We love you, River,” the girls yell. “You too, Nate.”

Coach Thompson flags River down, annoyed by the distractions. He gives me one last look and skates away, stuffing the mouthguard back into place. He doesn’t look back at us for the remainder of the warmup. And I don’t blame him. River is a rookie and has to prove his worth.

He’s playing the best season of his life. If he keeps it up, he might get Rookie of the Year. If anyone deserves the Calder Memorial Trophy, it’s River. His dad won it in his rookie year. Like father, like son, River is following in Ryan’s footsteps.

By the end of the second period, the Islanders are up two points against the Caps. River is on a breakaway, skating down the ice, with several players trying to catch up.

I’m already on my feet, Parker latched onto my arm, squeezing the life out of me. Ollie and Dean are pressed up against the glass and shouting.

River sweeps the puck left, then right, and takes the shot. A siren blares throughout the arena. The fans jump out of their seats and cheer my boyfriend’s name.

On his way back to the bench, River taps his glove on the glass and winks, letting me know that goal was for me.

“I never have a fucking clue what’s going on,” Dean says, shaking his head. “But hockey is fun. I love the fighting.” He moves beside Parker and grabs his hip. “Especially when you’re the one doing the fighting.”

Parker hasn’t come out publicly, so he smiles and pulls out of his embrace. He’s worried about his family finding out. Like me, he has a trust fund controlled by his father.

Thankfully, I only have a few more weeks until graduation and my financial freedom. But Parker doesn’t gain complete control of his money until his twenty-fifth birthday.

Parker and I take turns explaining the plays to Ollie and Dean for the rest of the game. They nod and make jokes about doing things with pucks and sticks. Everything with those two is laced with sexual innuendo.

After the game ends, I drive my friends back to River’s house—our new home. It still feels unreal that River bought us a place to start our lives. In less than a month, I will wake up to him every morning like old times.

The Islanders win by three points. Whatever doubt River had about his sexuality impacting his career has gone out the window. His skills on the ice make him shine. Even the haters can’t deny my boyfriend is the best rookie in the league.

I park in the driveway, and Parker tumbles out of the car, drunk and staggering up the walkway. He started fisting beers like a champ by the third period and can barely stand.

He burps and walks into a bush. “Oh, fuck. That was… prickly.”

Dean is behind him, hands on his hips. “You drank too much, sexy. I think we need to tuck you into bed.”

“Mmm…” Parker licks his lips. “Yes. Bed. Fuck. Me.”

He slurs his words and almost falls again, even with Dean doing his best to hold him up.

“No, I mean sleep.”

“Boo,” Parker groans as I open the front door. “I wanna fuck.”

“Not tonight,” Ollie chimes. “You’re beyond incapacitated.”

“Take the first room on the right,” I say, pointing at the staircase. “There’s an ensuite bathroom in case he has to puke.”

Dean nods and mutters thanks, dragging Parker’s heavy body up the stairs with Ollie’s help. I doubt I will see them again, which is fine with me. The moment River gets home, I want him all to myself.

EPILOGUE

NATE

After I unpack the last of my boxes, I sit on the veranda overlooking the water, a beer in hand, and lounging in a chair. This morning, I graduated from Kingston University. River stood in the stands with our parents, cheering when I stepped onstage to accept my diploma.

He’s so proud of me.

I’m proud of myself for crushing my classes and earning honors. But my real accomplishment is making it four months without River by my side. There were days when I thought I’d lose my mind and quit college to be near him.

I did it.

With Dr. Swanson’s help and my daily journal practice, I am on the path to recovery. I no longer act out when River is out of reach. Using positive coping mechanisms and breathing exercises, I have gotten a handle on my anxiety and all the fear that comes with it.

River opens the French door and steps outside. My heart races as our eyes lock.

Tonight is the night.

I feel it in my veins.

River is already on a high from the Islanders making the playoffs. I’m equally excited and ready to take our relationship to the next level.

He shuts the door and walks over to me, smiling as he sits on my lap. “Hey, babe.” River kisses my lips. “What are you doing out here?”

“Relaxing. Just taking in the scenery.”

A smile stretches across his face. “You can’t see much in the dark.”

“I can think of a few things we can do in the dark.”

I suck his bottom lip into my mouth, and then his tongue is in mine, and my fingers are tugging at the ends of his hair. He moans and slips his hands up my shirt, roaming over my stomach. I groan as his thumb massages my nipple.

I could kiss him all night, but with the nerves coursing through me, I can’t concentrate. So, I peel my lips from his. Breathing harder, he stares into my eyes.

I tap his ass. “Get up for a minute.”

He stands, and I get down on one knee, my hand shaking as I reach into my pocket. I’d planned to propose after I moved into the house. There’s no better time than right now.

River gasps. “Nate, what are you… Oh god. It’s happening. Isn’t it? Yes, yes, yes.”

I shake my head and laugh. “Would you let me ask you first before you say yes? I wrote a speech and everything.”

“Oh, right.” He laughs. “Yeah. Sorry.”

I show him the small black box in my palm and crack it open. His eyes widen at the band. Made from diamonds pressed under enormous pressure, the Elysium band is a solid black.

I remove the ring from the box and hold his hand. “Riv, I knew the day we met you would be important and that I had to pay attention. You brought me back to life on some of my worst days. All you had to do was smile… and somehow, I wasn’t lost anymore. I love you. And I want to show you how much every day of my life. Will you marry me?”

He wiggles his fingers. “Yes.”

I slide the ring in place, and he raises his hand to inspect it. “I love it. You did so good, babe.”

River drops to his knees and kisses me. I sweep him into my arms, our lips locked, and drag him to the outdoor daybed with a canopy. Moving onto my back, I unbutton my pants and shove them down my thighs with my boxers. I kick off my shoes and toss my clothes to the side.

He kneels between my legs and sucks the head of my cock into his mouth. River makes eye contact as he deepthroats me, teasing me with each carefully placed lick.

“I need you,” I moan as he flicks his tongue over the tip to tease me.

He strips off his clothes, adding to the pile I created. It’s chilly for this time of year, but I’m too hot to feel the cool air on my skin. River kisses me, and our hard cocks are flush against each other. I consider jerking us until we come, but I need to be inside him.

I pluck my wallet from my pocket and grab a lube packet. “Best investment I ever made.”

River smirks. “Agreed.”

He takes it from my hand and opens it, lathering some gel on my fingers and my cock. Then he moves my finger into his tight hole. I love it when he takes the lead, as much as I love dominating him.

I still haven’t let him fuck me. No one has had that kind of control over me since Veronica, and I’m not ready. Not yet.

With three of my fingers pumping into his slick ass, he fucks my hand like a good boy. “Fuck,” he hisses. “This feels so good.”

“Ride me.” I pull out my fingers and clutch my shaft. “Show me how much you want me.”

River loves a challenge and takes all of me in one quick thrust. We both groan, and my arms go around him, needing to feel every inch of his skin. My hand wraps around his dick, and he grunts with each tug, our joined bodies moving in unison.

He bites my ear and moans as I pull out and push back in painfully slow before picking up the pace.

“Stop teasing me,” he bites out. “Fuck me, Nate.”

I spank his ass. “Turn around and let me watch you take my dick.”

Panting, he slides off me and turns so his back faces me. He leans forward, gripping my legs, and lines my cock up with his hole. I guide him onto me, and without hesitation, he takes me again in one thrust.

My fingers dig into his ass, marking his skin. “Fuck, Riv. This view. Oh fuck.”

His head lowers as he controls the pace. “Feels so… good.”

I’ve had the pleasure of staring at his tight, muscular ass for years, but nothing compares to the sight of my cock sliding in and out of him at this angle.

Reaching around to jerk his cock, I take him in my hand when I’m close to the edge, my orgasm building. He whimpers with each stroke and moans my name. I love the sounds he makes for me.

River comes first, his release coating my hand, legs, and the daybed. Less than a minute later, I come inside him. He doesn’t move, not until he catches his breath. River slides off me, chest rising and falling faster, and slumps onto his side.

“That was fucking awesome,” he whispers. “Sex is so much better now that you’re my fiancé.”

Hooking my arm around him, I kiss his sweaty forehead. “If that’s the case, imagine how good the sex will be when I’m your husband.”

“I don’t want to wait. Let’s get married this summer.”

“Whatever you want,” I say because he makes the rules with this stuff. “Just tell me what to do and where to be.”

Six months ago, we were skating around our feelings for each other, afraid someone would discover our secret, but our love is no longer a dirty thing we have to hide.

ALSO BY JILLIAN FROST

CAMPUS SECRETS

Our Secret to Keep

Our Hearts to Break

GILDED EMPIRE

Gilded Gods

Gilded Goddess

PRINCES OF DEVIL’S CREEK

The Darkest Prince

Cruel Princes

Vicious Queen

Savage Knights

Battle King

Wicked Heiress

Dirty Heirs

Shattered Empire

BOARDWALK MAFIA

Boardwalk Kings

Boardwalk Queen

Boardwalk Reign

For a complete list of books, visit readpennbooks.com.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Jillian Frost is a dark romance author who believes even the villain deserves a happily ever after. When she's not plotting all the ways to disrupt the lives of her characters, you can usually find Jillian by the pool, soaking up the Florida sunshine.

Learn more about Jillian’s books at readpennbooks.com