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The ColleCTors

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The ColleCTors

by

Lesley Gowan

2011

the collectors

© 2011 By LesLey Gowan. aLL RiGhts ReseRved.

isBn 13: 978-1-60282-503-1

This ElEcTronic Book is PuBlishEd By

Bold sTrokEs Books, inc.

P.o. Box 249

VallEy Falls, ny 12185

FirsT EdiTion: FEBruary 2011

This is a Work oF FicTion. naMEs, characTErs, PlacEs, and

incidEnTs arE ThE ProducT oF ThE auThor’s iMaGinaTion or

arE usEd FicTiTiously. any rEsEMBlancE To acTual PErsons,

liVinG or dEad, BusinEss EsTaBlishMEnTs, EVEnTs, or localEs

is EnTirEly coincidEnTal.

This Book, or ParTs ThErEoF, May noT BE rEProducEd in any

ForM WiThouT PErMission.

CRedits

EdiTor: cindy crEsaP

ProducTion dEsiGn: susan raMundo

coVEr dEsiGn By shEri (GraPhicarTisT2020@hoTMail.coM)

The ColleCTors

ChapTer one—life drawinG

I am a collector. If you were to know the most intimate thing

about me, it’s that I have a large collection of fiction in

which the theme is sexual domination of women by other women.

It might very well be a world-class collection. But my collection is

not housed in protective sleeves and archival boxes. My collection

is well used, taken to bed with me on a regular basis. I read from it

and it excites me, though my satisfaction is fleeting. I am in thrall

to the fictional world of BDSM, while in my real life I’ve done

nothing more adventurous than a three-way with two very tame

lesbians.

In my fictional world, I’m a submissive. In my real life, I

remain untouched by a dominant. Part of me suspected they didn’t

even exist; they were solely the product of authors with submissive

fantasies who, like me, turned to books for company. They wrote

them and I read them. It would never have occurred to me that taking

a life drawing class would be my introduction to the real practice of

dominance and submission. The student at the next easel began my

education. Her name was Adele and we hit it off right away, hanging

out after class at a nearby coffee shop, talking about art and fashion

and graduate school. She was getting an MFA in painting while I

was a PhD candidate in art history.

At coffee on the last Monday of class, our conversation took the

inevitable turn to sexuality. I’m as curious as the next person about

what a friend does in bed. Adele had a lovely body, lively energy,

• 5 •

lesley Gowan

and a pretty face that could be made up one day to be vampish, the

next to be schoolgirlish. I think people might describe me the same

way. I didn’t want to sleep with Adele, but I wanted to know whom

she slept with. My guess was she liked nebbishy boys and handsome

butches.

She was biting into a scone when I asked her.

“Are you dating anyone now?” I said. It sounded stupid. No

one says they’re “dating.”

Adele smiled and washed her scone down with some black

coffee.

“I belong to someone,” she said.

“Oh.” It was a peculiar way to put it. Almost as old-fashioned

as dating.

“A he or a she?” I asked.

“A she, definitely.”

“Cool. I’m a lesbian. I tried guys. More times than I needed to,

really. It just wasn’t there.”

“I wouldn’t call myself a lesbian,” Adele said. She sipped more

coffee and seemed to be watching me closely.

“A lot of people don’t like labels,” I said.

“It’s not about the labels, and it’s not the gender of the person

I’m having sex with that defines my sexuality. It’s more complicated

than that.”

“Can you explain it to me?” I said.

“I can.” She looked at me for a moment before speaking

again. “But if I tell you about me and the woman I belong to, it will

probably change everything between us.”

“I’ve just met you. How much can it change? Besides, you

have to tell me now that I know there’s something to tell. I won’t be

able to think about anything else.”

“I don’t know why, but I have a feeling about you. Maybe

because you remind me a little bit of myself. But I think when

I tell you that I literally belong to another woman, you’ll find it interesting.”

She watched me as the words sank in. And as they did,

adrenaline cascaded through me. I knew very quickly what she was

• 6 •

The ColleCTors

saying, though in fact she had said very little. She was a submissive

like me, but a more advanced, more fulfilled one. She was the person

who lived out my fantasy of being dominated, of being owned. At

least that’s what I hoped she was saying.

“You look stunned,” Adele said. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

When I opened my mouth and still no words came out, she

continued. “Let me describe how I live. Then you can tell me what

you think about it.”

I nodded. She must have seen I wasn’t horrified. I struggled to

maintain my composure. I was probably drooling.

“I am a slave to my mistress. Were it not for the fact I am out

in the world working as an artist, which she graciously allows me to

do, we would have a twenty-four seven mistress/slave relationship.

When I am with her, my will is not my own. I do everything she

tells me to do, exactly when and how she tells me to do it. I serve

her in every way. She provides for me, she creates our world for

me, and she also punishes me, both when I have displeased her and

when it simply pleases her to do so. She fucks me, of course. Often,

and often quite brutally. If she chooses to do so, she shares me with

her friends, who use me in any way they want. And I…I absolutely

worship her.”

This speech did nothing to improve my ability to speak. My

heart was pounding, as was the pulse between my legs. I squirmed.

Adele, on the other hand, looked perfectly calm, even blissful as she

talked about her lover. Her Owner.

I pulled myself together. “I’m sorry. I didn’t believe I’d ever

meet anyone who lived this way. I’ve only read about it in books.”

When Adele cocked an eye at me I grinned and said, “Repeatedly.”

“Which books?”

“I have lots. I’m kind of a collector.”

Adele reached her hands across the table and took mine. “A

world exists that’s every bit as rich as what you find in books. I can

introduce you to it if you’d like.”

Involuntarily, my hands drew away from hers. Fantasies are

one thing, and reality, no matter how serene Adele looked, would

probably be a much different thing. A much scarier thing. I wasn’t

• 7 •

lesley Gowan

sure what I wanted to do. I pasted on a smile and tried to think what

a polite response might be. The etiquette books don’t exactly cover

this situation.

“Thank you for offering. I guess I feel a little overwhelmed.”

“But intrigued?”

“I’m probably not hiding that very well.”

“Then you simply live with your thoughts for a while and talk

to me about it again if you’re curious. I won’t bring it up if you

don’t.”

We stopped in the ladies’ room on our way out. When I came

out of my stall, Adele was at the sink. She looked at me in the mirror

as I stood next to her and ran the water. I watched as she slowly

pulled her skirt up, turning her rear toward me as she pulled her

small bikini panties down. Even before she’d glided them over her

hip I could see the streaks of blue and purple that marked her skin.

I gripped the edges of the sink, breathing in quickly. Who wouldn’t

feel horrified to see the evidence of a beating? Me, that’s who. And

Adele. Now it was her breath that seemed to be growing quicker as

she watched me stare at her beautiful, beaten up ass. After another

silent moment, she lowered her skirt and left.

The moment I got home I fell onto my bed and came almost

as soon as I touched myself. There was no time to grab one of my

books and no need to. My mind was stuffed with visions of Adele

bound, her arms painfully taut above her, her legs spread wide below.

I knew it was not Adele turning me on, but Adele’s confinement

and helplessness. And even more, the woman who placed her in

the bonds. I couldn’t picture that woman. She was powerful but

featureless, sort of like a god in that way. I believe in some sort of

god, but I haven’t the foggiest idea how God is manifest. Same with

the woman in my fantasies, the one who would make me submit, the

one who would have all power over me. She was always nebulous

and at the same time, beautiful beyond words.

I came twice more, moving Adele from standing restraint to

kneeling before her owner, her hands now bound behind her, forcing

every muscle to work hard to keep her steady as she slowly and

lavishly feasted on the pussy thrust into her face. The woman, still

• 8 •

The ColleCTors

featureless, leaned back in an upholstered chair, her long legs spread

out on either side of Adele, her eyes alert as she watched her slave

service her. She did not make a sound, but Adele moaned loudly,

either out of discomfort or excitement, as she brought her mistress

closer to orgasm. Each time she made a noise, the woman would

flick the cane she held in her hand, landing a blow in exactly the

same place on Adele’s thigh as the blow before. When the mistress

came it was Adele who cried out, not the mistress. Without need of

a command, Adele moved to her elbows and knees, offering her ass

for another beating, the cane falling on her cheeks over and over

again.

I’d come three times by this point in the fantasy. I couldn’t go

any further. As usually happened after I came, the world I lived in

so enthusiastically while aroused slipped away, leaving me uneasy,

as if I’d done something wrong. I had been convinced I was the only

woman in the world who got off on the thought of pain, even though

my books made it clear I wasn’t. Because of Adele, I knew there

really were people like me. And now she knew who I was.

❖

“I’m glad you came to coffee tonight,” Adele said after class on

Wednesday. “I was afraid you might not after last time.”

So much for not bringing the subject up, I thought. But I was

glad she had.

“Did you think I was judging you?” I said.

“I thought you might judge yourself, convince yourself you

couldn’t possibly explore your desire to be dominated.”

I leaned back in my chair. She was right of course. I was so

certain my sexual fantasies classified me as perverted that I’d never

brought them up with anyone, let alone with a lover. To have Adele

address them so directly took my breath away.

“You don’t need to feel ashamed, Laura. You should feel proud.

So many people don’t own their sexuality.”

“I don’t know what to think,” I said.

“Are you afraid?”

• 9 •

lesley Gowan

I was afraid. Afraid of getting into something that was all wrong

for me, certainly, but even more afraid of missing an opportunity to

see if it was right for me—as I dreamed it was, as I hoped it was.

“No, I’m not afraid. Not really. But I don’t know if you’re asking me

about something specific or not. I don’t know what you do; I only

know what I’ve read.”

“And you’re a bit like Alice in Wonderland. If you pop through

the hole, you might find things much different than you ever could

have imagined.”

Now I did feel afraid. There was no character in Alice in

Wonderland that turned me on in the slightest. “Isn’t what you and

your mistress do like what’s in the books?”

“Some of it is very similar. I don’t read the books, actually,

since it seems pointless when I’m actually living the life. I guess I’d

say you are dealing with human beings and all of their differences

and all of the chemistry that goes into their dealings with each other.

There’s far less sameness than you find in the stories and novels

you’ve made such a study of. You’ll see.”

I dropped my eyes. She hadn’t extended an invitation exactly,

but more the hint of one.

“I’ve told my mistress about you. I told her I shared a little

about my life because I guessed you wanted what I did. I told her I

knew it was true when I saw your face in the bathroom. When you

saw my ass you started breathing with your mouth open.”

“You told your mistress that?” I felt like the top of my head

would come off.

“She’s told me to ask you to join us at her home. She’d like to

meet you.”

All was quiet as I lifted my eyes and looked at Adele once

more. I think my mouth was open again. I know my breathing was

rapid.

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t want to meet my mistress?” Adele sounded like I

was turning down an audience with the Pope.

I could tell Adele was a little worried I wasn’t going to take

the bait, but she needn’t have been. I was stalling for time, but I

• 10 •

The ColleCTors

wouldn’t pass this up, any more than I’d pass up a million dollars

placed in my lap.

“You’re being invited to have dinner with us so we can all get

to know each other. She may ask if you’d like to watch a scene,

which you can decline. You need to remember that you can always

decline.”

No, no, no, I thought. If I put myself in this situation, in the

home of a mistress, I want all decision taken out of my hands. But

I didn’t say that to Adele. Maybe I was even more submissive than

she was. Maybe I was so low (high?) on the submissive scale they

didn’t even have a name for what I am. A sub-submissive. But what

do I know? I wouldn’t know how much I didn’t know until I started

participating.

“When am I invited?”

“This Friday. We can leave together after class if you’d like.”

I hesitated again, reluctant to reveal how insecure this all made

me feel, afraid somehow I wasn’t good enough to be treated badly.

The paradox didn’t escape me.

“You can ask me whatever you like,” Adele said.

“Who will be there on Friday?”

“I only know of my mistress and me, but that doesn’t mean

there won’t be others. She wouldn’t tell me unless it served her

some way to do so. She sometimes does have friends over.”

I hoped not, at least this first time I was to meet her. As insecure

as I felt about meeting her, I was terrified to meet a whole group of

dominants. I remembered the long, long scene in Macho Sluts where

the femme submissive was used and abused by a half dozen snarling

butches for what seemed like eternity. I could recite everything they

did to her, and I’ve climaxed many times reading that story. But did

I want to be the Roxanne to Adele’s mistress and her friends? All I

could say was, not yet.

“Well?” Adele said.

“Tell your mistress I thank her for the invitation and look

forward to meeting her.”

❖

• 11 •

lesley Gowan

Another two agonizing, masturbation-filled days dragged by.

The same mixture of dread and anticipation dominated my thoughts

and feelings, my dreams and fantasies. The simple fact that a real

dominant, a woman who could control everything about me (I was

sure of that much, at least), not only knew who I was but asked to

meet me, took all my imaginings to a new level. I was on fire. And I

recognized in myself more of my submissive sensibility. The mistress

was granting me the favor of her dominance. I wasn’t granting her

anything. She would only take, and she would only take from those

she favored. I hadn’t even met her and I was becoming desperate to

learn whether she’d give me a second look after the introductions

were made. Somehow in this fever, I managed to forget about Adele.

Life drawing class was a nightmare, ninety minutes of fidgeting

and breaking bits of charcoal and tearing off sheet after sheet of

newsprint. Not only did the instructor give me a withering look,

but the model did also, her eyes moving in her perfectly still body,

locking on to mine in clear annoyance. Adele, on the other hand,

seemed quite composed. She was doing lovely work on her drawing.

The only time she took any notice of me was when I sat at the foot

of my easel and refused to draw anymore. She looked at me with a

little pity and a bit of a smirk.

“Are you nervous?” she said.

“Not nervous. I just wish I knew what was going to happen.”

Adele smiled. “It’s the not knowing that’s at least half the thrill.

I never know what she has in store for me.”

“What’s your mistress’s name, by the way. I keep forgetting to

ask.”

“It’s Jeanne.”

“Is she French?”

Adele smiled. “I don’t know. If she isn’t, she should be.”

When class was finally over, we changed clothes at the studio.

It was eight o’clock and the downtown area was lively with Friday

night bustle. Adele hailed a cab, and we soon pulled up to a gray

stone building in the heart of the city’s poshest neighborhood. The

tree-lined street was filled with stately townhouses built a century

ago. Whoever Jeanne was, she had a lot of money.

• 12 •

The ColleCTors

I was a little nervous about my clothes. What does one wear

to a flogging? I refused to put on anything that made me look like

a tramp. My fishnets and stilettos are fun for a night out with the

girls, but to wear them when meeting a real live mistress seemed

ludicrous. Perhaps disrespectful. I’d settled on a sleeveless sheath

dress and strappy, low-heeled sandals. Simple, and, hopefully,

elegant. This was important if the mistress I was about to meet was

French, or even French-ish.

Adele used a key to open the door, and we were met in the

foyer by a middle-aged woman whose severe face did not move

in the slightest as she took in the sight of us. My heart sank, for

though I didn’t have a clear idea of what my ideal mistress would

look like, I did know she wasn’t supposed to resemble Mrs. Danvers

in Rebecca. This woman looked like she’d have a hard time loving

a puppy. I didn’t want to think what she’d do with a cane in her

hand and a bottom within reach. Adele put a reassuring hand on my

forearm.

“Good evening, Mrs. Kirchberger. Will you let my mistress

know that my guest and I have arrived?”

Mrs. Kirchberger motioned for us to move into the living room

to the right before leaving us on our own. I started to speak, but

Adele put her fingers to her lips and shushed me. Nothing gets my

hackles up like being shushed, and I hated Adele a little bit.

“What?” I said.

“We’re always to sit here quietly while we’re waiting.”

“How long?” I was whispering now.

Adele just shrugged and I could get nothing further from her.

I worried we were in for a long wait. I could think of many scenes

in the literature (I referred to it as if it were a field of study, like

the Victorian novel), where the submissives had to wait endlessly

for their mistresses, usually in circumstances far less comfortable

than my present one. It had never occurred to me I would actually

enter a world where I would regularly have to wait. I was terrible at

waiting. Really terrible. What if I were gagged and bound and made

to wait on my knees on a hard floor, a blindfold keeping me from

knowing day from night? I wouldn’t last ten minutes before going

• 13 •

lesley Gowan

loco, and there wouldn’t be anything I could do about it. I would be

all alone in an immense room—blind, mute, bound, helpless. I felt

a stirring between my legs and started squirming on the sofa. Adele

cast a rather doleful look at me.

I soon exhausted my fantasy and began taking in the details

of the room. Something told me I shouldn’t wander about to

admire the fine oil paintings and sculptures that decorated the large

room, but I could easily see they were created by very advanced

and accomplished artists, some of them recognizable. Every piece

of furniture, every fabric, every last touch was gorgeous, yet the

room looked more comfortable than decorated, more personal than

perfect. Whoever created this room was complicated and talented.

Mrs. Kirchberger reappeared and motioned us to rise. Adele

sprang up, obviously eager to see Jeanne. I was eager as well. The

long wait had done nothing to lessen my curiosity. Mrs. Kirchberger

led us up the front stairs. At the top was an open area with floor

to ceiling bookshelves crammed with mismatched volumes of all

sizes. It was a well used library. I could see at the end of a hallway

there was a formal dining room, presumably with a kitchen nearby.

And in between was a closed door that Mrs. Kirchberger opened.

This was the point of no return, I sensed. She would be behind this

door and I knew my life was about to change.

The room we entered was a luxurious study with a rich

mahogany desk and chairs at one end, a fireplace with sofa and

chairs at the other. The walls were a deep red, the natural woodwork

ornate and gleaming. My gaze covered all of this searching for

Jeanne, but Mrs. Kirchberger had shut the door behind us and there

was only Adele and I in the room. I was so disappointed! The idea

of another long wait almost defeated me.

Before I could complain to Adele, a door opened in the wall

behind the desk—a hidden door perfectly camouflaged by one tier

of a wall-length bookcase. As if by magic, the woman I’d spent

years struggling to visualize walked into the room and my heart

seized up. I took a deep breath trying to loosen the tightness in my

chest, but she crossed the room and stood in front of me before I

found my composure. Adele moved closer to us.

• 14 •

The ColleCTors

“May I present my friend, Laura Thomas. Laura, this is Jeanne

Beaudreau.”

Jeanne took my hand and shook it warmly. “I am so delighted

you were able to join us this evening. I’ve been looking forward to

meeting you.”

She kissed Adele on the cheek and ushered us over to the

fireplace seating area, gesturing for Adele to take one of the chairs

while she settled on the sofa next to me. I wondered if this upset

Adele at all and realized I hoped it did.

“Adele adores her life drawing class and has told me all about

your coffee chats afterward.”

She didn’t have an accent, but I almost believed she did. There

was something very Continental about her. Her clothing perhaps

most of all. Her slacks were expensive, perfectly tailored, black,

and they lengthened her already long legs. Her blouse was a crisp

whiter-than-white cotton, with an open collar. She didn’t wear a

scarf, but I could imagine her wearing one, or an ascot perhaps.

She was neither handsome nor beautiful, but something much more

than either. Her face had great character, with signs of a life fully

lived. Her brow and her jaw were strong but softened by the thick,

glistening hair that fell in layers to her shoulders. She looked to be in

her forties, with her body as lean as a much younger woman’s. She

was entirely captivating, and I had to concentrate intensely to hear

what she was saying.

“Adele is a very talented artist,” I said. “I’m afraid I’m at the

cave drawing stage compared to her.”

“Oh, I’m sure that’s not true,” Jeanne said. As she rose to

serve us drinks I noticed Adele sat very quietly. She wasn’t relaxing

toward the back of the leather club chair, but perched toward the

front, her hands resting on her lap. Perhaps she’d been trained to sit

like that. Jeanne would know she was behaving appropriately, but

no one else would notice she was under Jeanne’s command. I felt a

little smug, like a student knowing more than everyone else on the

first day of class, thanks to all the reading I’d done over summer

vacation. I was feeling like an honored guest and a bit above Adele

in station. But I didn’t aspire to be higher than her—only lower.

• 15 •

lesley Gowan

Jeanne spent the next fifteen minutes asking me all about my

graduate studies in art history, and the conversation continued in-

depth and with enthusiasm throughout dinner, which was served

by the tireless Mrs. Kirchberger. It turned out Jeanne was a serious

art collector and our areas of study and interest ran along the same

lines. I couldn’t help but notice that every time Jeanne exclaimed at

something I said, Adele looked a little sad. She picked at her food

but drank thirstily from her wine glass.

I was raised in an artistic family, and I’ve spent much of my life

in galleries. I can easily do this kind of talk, and at some point I lost

track of the fact I was in the home of my friend’s mistress, supposedly,

hopefully, being auditioned for an introduction to dominance and

submission. I felt instead like I was on a date, and Jeanne was

effortlessly seducing me with her stories and attentiveness. There

was just the strange presence of Adele, the silent and sulky third

wheel in the room.

After the meal, Jeanne finally turned to Adele. “Go let Mrs. K.

know we’re ready for coffee in the study. We’ll meet you there in a

little bit.”

Adele slid from her chair and left the room. Jeanne’s hand

moved toward mine on the table and she gave it a squeeze. “I can’t

believe how much we have in common. It’s a thrill for me to discuss

art with someone who knows what they’re talking about. Would you

allow me to show you my collection?”

This smacked a bit of the age-old pickup line about etchings,

but would be far beneath someone like Jeanne. She actually wanted

to show me what she’d clearly spent years amassing—a very

impressive collection of modern art. As we moved from one room

to the other, I found myself hoping the pretend part of the evening

would soon come to a close and we could start getting on with the

business at hand, which was for this woman to act like a mistress.

She gently put her hand on the small of my back as she moved us

along. She held doors for me. She looked intently in my eyes as I

spoke about her pieces of art. When we walked down the hall to go

back to the study, she gave me her arm and I took it, as if we were

entering a ballroom. Adele was seated in her previous place, poised

• 16 •

The ColleCTors

at the front of the chair, while Mrs. Kirchberger was placing a coffee

service on the large table between the chairs and sofa. She quietly

left the room and closed the door. No one spoke as Jeanne nodded to

Adele, who stood to pour the coffee and pass the cups around before

returning to her chair. I was uncomfortable with the sudden silence

after so much lively conversation, but it didn’t seem like my silence

to break. I concentrated on my coffee.

After a few almost unbearable minutes of silence, Jeanne spoke

to Adele.

“Undress, please.”

Here was another magic door opening. All seemed normal, and

then bang.

Adele stood at once and reached behind her neck to undo her

zipper. Her dress was off in a moment, her bra and panties an instant

after. Jeanne motioned her over and Adele came to her side, fell to

her knees, and remained still while Jeanne reached into the drawer

of the end table and pulled out a collar and leash, fastening the collar

around Adele’s neck. Adele now held her head high and stared at

me, even as Jeanne seemed to tighten the collar one notch beyond

comfort. Mrs. Kirchberger entered the room just as Jeanne rose

from the sofa holding the leash. She turned to me with her other

hand extended.

“It’s been a delightful evening. I do hope you’ll join me for

dinner again.”

Nonplussed wouldn’t describe what I felt. Paralyzed might. It

was as if I had been given a puzzle involving a nonsensical sequence

of objects and I was supposed to figure out what came next. Jeanne

gave my hand a slight tug, not to pull me to my feet but rather to

give me a hint as to what I was expected to do.

“Mrs. K. will see you out, if that’s all right?”

I looked at Adele. She looked serene, waiting patiently to be

led to some darkly atmospheric room furnished with everything

Jeanne’s excellent imagination could think of to use on her, waiting

only for me to get out of her way.

“I had a wonderful time,” I said, my voice a little squeaky. “I

hope we’ll see each other again.”

• 17 •

lesley Gowan

Mrs. Kirchberger led me out of the study, down the stairs, and

out the front. As she closed the door on me without a word, I felt my

face warm with humiliation. I felt like I’d done something wrong

and my punishment was an early exit from the house. It was not the

sort of punishment I’d been hoping for.

• 18 •

The ColleCTors

ChapTer Two—The auCTion

I’m a collector myself, I wanted to tell Jeanne. I collect lesbian

BDSM novels and stories, and I collect them more out of

a desire to be close to the subject than a driving need to acquire

this or that piece. My collection was the only thing between me

and a complete vacuum, for I’d always been a submissive with no

dominant in sight. A world of real possibility rushed in the instant

I met Jeanne, and suddenly my collection of books seemed to be

merely a collection of books.

It had been three weeks since the dinner at Jeanne’s, and I

hadn’t heard a word from her or Adele. I went to some of the drop-

in drawing classes to see if Adele was there, but she never was. I

walked by Jeanne’s house several times, but found no clue about its

owner. I assumed I had flunked my audition and even thought they’d

both fled town to get as far away from me as possible. That was

a little grandiose, but I was so miserable I invited each and every

thought about them to take root in my crazy brain. I pulled out a

chair and invited them to stay awhile.

I was supposed to be writing my dissertation on Balthus, and

all I could think about was Jeanne and my missed opportunity. I’d

gone over and over the different ways the evening could have gone

if Jeanne had wanted me. This is the one that excited me the most:

Mrs. K. enters the study and takes Adele by the leash, leading

her out of the room and out of our way. Jeanne locks the door behind

• 19 •

lesley Gowan

them and turns to me, the first imperious look of the evening on her

face. The cocktail party graciousness is gone.

“You have thirty seconds to take everything off,” she says and

watches as I scramble to take off my dress and underthings. I don’t

hesitate; I just do it. I want only to please her. I remain standing in

front of the sofa, my hands at my sides, and I watch as she moves

toward me. She kicks aside the shoes and dress that lay at my feet

and then takes hold of my necklace, pulling me by it to the center of

the room.

“What is this?” she asks, still holding the necklace.

“What is what?” I am frightened by the cold look in her eye. I

don’t know what she is talking about.

She tears the necklace off.

“I told you to take everything off. Is there something about

those simple words you don’t understand?”

“I’m sorry.” I truly am.

Jeanne throws the necklace aside and steps away from me,

pouring herself a drink from the cart behind the sofa. I remain stock-

still. A long minute passes before she stands before me again.

“You’ll discover the times you find it necessary to apologize to

me are the times I find it necessary to punish you. Do you understand

what I’m saying?”

“Yes.”

“Hold your hands behind your back.”

As I do so, I see her take something out of her pants pockets.

It’s a long piece of leather, much like a moccasin lace, and she walks

behind me and ties my hands together with incredible speed. The

binding is tight, slightly uncomfortable, but does not cut into my

skin. I feel another leather string going around my upper arms, tying

them together also, forcing my shoulders back and my breasts out.

I have fairly large breasts. I know they look good like this, and for

a second I think my breasts are going to give me some bargaining

power with Jeanne, and in the same second I’m reminded that I

have no power over Jeanne whatsoever. In one motion, she pushes

me to my knees and pulls an ottoman over with her foot. When it

is in front of me, she shoves me onto it, my torso draped over the

• 20 •

The ColleCTors

velvet upholstery, my breasts squashed flat, my head hanging over

one end, my ass in the air over the other. I hear Jeanne remove her

leather belt.

Sadly, I could go no further in my own fantasy. With Jeanne’s

face and voice now in mind, I could not presume to know what

she would do to me. The fact is I don’t create these scenes. That’s

not my role. Write them, and I’ll read them; dominate me, and I’ll

submit to you. I had no clear idea at all what Jeanne would do to

me if I were ever to be summoned by her. I only knew the very

thought she would do something extraordinary excited me almost to

the point of orgasm.

I picked up a book that had just arrived in the mail and took it

into my bedroom, less than enthusiastic about what I would find in

its pages.

❖

Autumn was taking hold in the city. The air seemed cleaner, the

sky bluer, and my body clock, set forever to the school year, helped

me focus and get serious about my thesis. But I was lonelier than I’d

ever been, still desperate to see Jeanne. The practical side of me got

on with things. The other side was frustrated and sad.

One night as I was entering my building after an evening out

with friends, I heard a car door slam behind me. I turned to see

Jeanne walking toward the building.

“Good evening, Laura.”

I was so shocked all I could say was, “What are you doing

here?” How did she know where I lived?

“I’m here to see you, of course. Aren’t you glad to see me?”

She looked like she knew I was glad to see her. Jeanne did not suffer

from lack of confidence.

“I’m sorry. I’m just startled. Would you like to come in?” My

mind swept through my apartment. It would be passable. The bed

was even made. Maybe she’d throw me down on it.

• 21 •

lesley Gowan

“Not tonight, but thank you. I’ve come by to ask if you’d

accompany me to an auction tomorrow night. I could use your

expertise.”

She handed me a thick, glossy catalog. “I thought you might

study what’s available in oil, mid-century European or American,

and let me know if there’s anything worth picking up.”

I knew from our conversation weeks ago she didn’t need my

advice about anything. I knew she could teach me a thing or two. In

fact, that’s all I thought about, but not in terms of art, I have to admit.

“I’d be honored to,” I said as if she’d asked me to present an

award or something.

“Wonderful. I’ll pick you up tomorrow at seven and we’ll have

a drink before we go to Sotheby’s.”

Jeanne kissed my cheek and walked back to her car, a new

Saab that looked like it was right off the showroom floor. I watched,

open-mouthed, as she drove away.

An hour later, I was curled up on the sofa with my cat and the

catalog when Jeanne called.

“Have you reviewed the material?” she said. No preliminaries.

No announcing who she was in case I didn’t recognize her voice.

She probably knew I heard her voice in my dreams.

“I’ve just started, but so far it looks pretty run-of-the-mill.”

“Yes, well, keep reading. The gems are always hard to find.”

“I will. I’ll be ready by tomorrow evening.”

I wondered what she was really calling about.

“Are you alone, Laura?”

“Yes, except for my cat.”

“Is the cat on your lap?”

“Yes.”

“Take the cat off your lap.”

I put Martha on the floor beside me. She performed some

immediate grooming and then sashayed away.

“She’s gone,” I said.

“Good. Do you know what I’m doing now?”

“I can’t even guess.”

“I’m sending you a photo. I’ll call after you’ve had a look.”

• 22 •

The ColleCTors

The call disconnected, and in a minute I heard a text message

whoosh in. The photo attached to the message made me suck in my

breath. Adele was on her knees, her hands bound behind her. She

wore a wide collar that kept her chin high, and she was blindfolded.

Nasty looking clamps were on each of her nipples, linked together

with a chain and weighed down with pieces of iron. Jeanne’s finger

was curled around the chain, pulling on it, causing the look of pain

on Adele’s mouth.

The phone rang.

“I’m thinking of turning Adele around so I can take a photo of

her ass. I think you should see how red it is.”

I didn’t know the correct response to that.

“But I don’t think I will,” she said. “I don’t want to take the

time. I was just about to have Adele pleasure me when I thought to

give you a call.”

I tried to imagine Adele going down on Jeanne with all of the

accoutrements she had on. I didn’t feel sorry for her, though. I would

have killed to be in her handcuffs.

“What would you like me to do?” I said. “I don’t know what

you want from me.”

“Take your clothes off. Tell me when you’re done, and make

it fast.”

I got up quickly and peeled off my clothes. “Okay. I’m naked.”

“Are you on a sofa?”

“Yes.”

“Lie down on it. Do not, under any circumstances, touch

yourself. Do you understand?”

“I’m not sure I understand anything.”

Jeanne laughed. “Oh, you understand perfectly well. Just do as

I say. As long as you always do that, there are no worries. Okay, I’m

going to put this on speaker.”

I kept the phone to my ear and listened, the visual of Adele

firmly in mind. I could hear Jeanne’s voice clearly.

“Remember, don’t touch yourself. I’m taking off my pants and

sitting back in my chair. Adele is in front of me, on her knees, just

as you saw her.”

• 23 •

lesley Gowan

There was a pause.

“It’s a shame you missed what I did to her before I called you.

I don’t allow Adele to just go down on me. She has to earn the

right, and while we didn’t have much time tonight, I think I put her

through her paces very efficiently. Isn’t that right, Adele?”

“Yes, Mistress.”

It was the first time I’d heard Adele call Jeanne “Mistress.” I’d

been wondering about whether she did, but what else was she going

to call her? Nothing else fit.

“I’m pulling Adele to me by her nipple clamps. Here, let me

give these a final adjustment.”

I heard Adele moan. I imagined Jeanne was taking off the

clamps and repositioning them. Apparently, that hurts like hell. It

sounded like it did.

“Give me your mouth,” Jeanne said, and I didn’t hear anything

more from her for a few minutes. The only sound was a rustling

of clothing, Jeanne’s shirt probably, and noises from Adele that

sounded like she was trying to catch a breath. Then Jeanne said,

“More, right there,” and her voice sounded strained. I listened

desperately for the sound of her coming, but all I heard was a hitch

in her breathing and a long exhalation. I wondered if she was always

quiet when she came.

Suddenly, her voice was back in my ear, and I could hear she

was just slightly out of breath.

“You didn’t touch yourself, did you?”

“No, I didn’t.”

“I don’t want you touched by yourself or by anyone else until I

say it’s okay. Can you do that for me?”

“Yes,” I said, purposely holding back calling her mistress.

“Good. I’ll see you tomorrow at seven.” She hung up. I brought

up the photo of Adele on my phone again and looked down at my

own pussy. I could practically see it move. I thought I’d go crazy if

I couldn’t touch it. But I wouldn’t. I’d given my word. I just prayed

I wouldn’t have to wait any longer than the next night.

❖

• 24 •

The ColleCTors

The next day I was on campus to meet with my thesis advisor,

drinking coffee in the student union before the appointment when

Adele surprised me by sitting down at my table.

“It was a mistake bringing you to meet Jeanne,” she said.

“What?”

“You have to promise me you won’t see her again. Please.”

Adele looked genuinely shaken. I wasn’t any too steady either.

A request to not see Jeanne again wasn’t what I wanted to hear.

“I don’t understand what you’re talking about,” I said. “We’re

all supposed to go to the auction tonight.”

“No, just you and Jeanne are going to the auction. Jeanne told

me this morning I’m not invited. It’s just the two of you.”

“Oh.”

“I’ve never seen her act this way before.”

“What way?” I was so clueless about what to expect from a

dominant I didn’t know what had happened so far was unexpected.

“She has sex with other women, of course. She likes me

to introduce her to women I meet who may be interested in our

lifestyle, like you.”

“What does Jeanne normally do when you bring someone

home?”

Adele looked down at her hands, and I could hear a little hitch

in her breathing. When she looked up, I saw the tears.

“Usually, she just plays with them and then sends them on their

way, or she introduces them to one of her friends, other dominants,

and maybe something happens between them. But she never delays

having sex with them, and she never sees them more than once.”

I could feel a little skip in my heartbeat as the thought came to

me Jeanne wasn’t disinterested in me, as I feared, but perhaps more

interested in me than I even hoped. Telling Adele how happy that

made me didn’t seem like a good idea.

“I don’t understand what exactly is upsetting you,” I said.

“Maybe Jeanne just looks at me as a new buddy, someone who

knows a lot about art. Maybe she doesn’t want me the other way.”

“Please don’t act as if I’m stupid. I know about art. It’s not like

we never talk about it.”

• 25 •

lesley Gowan

Personally, I felt there was a big difference between the way

artists talked about art and the way historians and curators and

collectors did. I could guess which style Jeanne preferred.

“She’s delaying having sex with you because it means

something to her. What do you think the whole thing on the phone

was all about?” she said.

“I really don’t know.”

“It was teasing, Laura. She’s trying to get you worked up.”

“Clearly, she knows what she’s doing.”

“Promise me you won’t see her again. I can’t lose her. I can’t.”

I stayed quiet for a moment. I wanted to be honest and

compassionate and do the right thing. But more than that, I wanted

Jeanne. I didn’t know what the right thing to do was.

“It seems to me Jeanne is the one calling the shots here,” I said.

“If she wants to see me then there isn’t anything you can say to

dissuade her. Or am I wrong about how a dominant works? Maybe

you should just talk to her about it.”

Adele looked alarmed. “No! She’d be furious. And the only

thing that would make her madder is knowing I talked to you about

it. But she won’t know we talked about this if you don’t respond to

her calls.”

“But she’s picking me up tonight. I can’t just not be at home.”

“Yes, you can. It would be perfect! She’d know you’d changed

your mind about her, and you wouldn’t have to actually talk to her.”

I looked at Adele’s pleading eyes, trying to will myself into

helping her out.

“I’m sorry, Adele. I gave Jeanne my word I would go with her

to the auction. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an appointment to

keep.”

I left her at the table, the crestfallen look on her face turning

to anger.

❖

Jeanne arrived at precisely seven o’clock that evening, flowers

in hand. She followed me into my apartment as I went to the kitchen

• 26 •

The ColleCTors

to find a vase, my heart beating like a trip-hammer. She was courting

me, I thought. There wasn’t any doubt. But what did she want? If

she wanted me sexually, surely she knew she could just have me. It

hadn’t occurred to me that there would be dating involved.

“I thought we’d stop by Anthony’s for drinks on our way

downtown and then eat a late supper after the auction?”

We stood facing each other in the living room, me holding the

vase like an offering, unable to decide where to put it. Jeanne gently

took the vase and put it on the coffee table.

“Martha will just knock those over, I’m afraid,” I said.

“Martha?” Jeanne looked a little concerned.

“Martha the cat.”

“Ah. Well, there’s no place safe for them then. Let the flowers

meet their fate.”

She stepped close to me. She smelled faintly of something

musky and pleasant, and everything about her was crisp, smooth,

clean, and exactly her. I could see her leg move beneath the beautiful

fabric of her pants and I wanted—almost overpoweringly—to run

my tongue up it and…

“You look absolutely gorgeous,” she was saying to me. My

brain was having a hard time catching up to sensation, as if my

audio and video were out of sync. Then she leaned in and kissed

me, sweetly, tenderly. Just a claiming kiss. A putting the flag in the

ground kiss. A kiss that said “this is mine, but I’ll have to come back

later to take possession.”

“Ready?” she asked. I wished we didn’t have to go out for a

long evening before we could be together, but this had to be at her

pace. Despite her courtliness, I never forgot who was in charge. And

I’d completely forgotten about Adele.

As before, the conversation flowed between us as we had

cocktails and appetizers at Anthony’s. At the auction house we got

down to business, going over the paintings in the exhibit room. I

remembered a slave auction scene from one of my books where

beautiful women were on display blocks, examined by several dozen

potential buyers before bidding began. I wondered if such a thing

happened in real life. I hoped not. The idea of growing attached to

• 27 •

lesley Gowan

Jeanne and then being sold off by her was devastating. It took me

a moment to realize I hadn’t presumed anything other than I would

be hers to sell.

During the art auction, I was surprised when Jeanne made a

serious run at a Hudson River School landscape. I didn’t think of it as

her style at all. After she placed the winning bid I asked her about it.

“You’re right, of course. I can’t stand it, personally. But I know

a collector who would gladly overpay for it, so I’ll use it to horse

trade with her.”

I must have had a funny look on my face. She asked me what

was wrong.

“I’m just wondering if that’s what you’re doing with me,” I

said. “Checking me out for one of your friends who shares your

other interest.”

Jeanne’s eyes narrowed a bit, but I didn’t feel threatened.

Perhaps I should have.

“I’m not in the practice of screening people for others. I’m here

simply for the pleasure of your company. What are you doing here

with me?”

What if she thought I was using her? What if I was? I wanted

something from her and I was desperate to have it, but what if it

made her feel like it was only that I was interested in? “I apologize

for my remark. I’m afraid I’m unsure of myself and don’t know

quite how to behave.”

Jeanne took me by the elbow. “Come on. I need to see the clerk

about the painting, and then we’ll leave.”

“Where are we going?”

“My house. No more questions, or I won’t be pleased at all.”

The house was dark when we arrived. Adele did not appear

to be home, nor did Mrs. Kirchberger, who may have been out at

some sinister club meeting or up in the attic, pacing back and forth.

She was going to be hard to get used to. Jeanne led me up the stairs

and into the study, locking the door behind her. I felt a little frisson

of apprehension, but of a delicious kind. We had to be on the verge

of a scene. I didn’t know what she planned to do to me, but I could

tell she had planned something. She reached under her desk, and a

• 28 •

The ColleCTors

moment later the hidden door opened. Before we walked through it,

she turned to me and took me by the arms.

“Everything I do has a reason behind it, and everything you

do has an agreement behind it. If you walk through this door with

me, you are giving your consent to my rules. I will not ask your

permission again for anything. But you can always take your

consent back. If you ever do, I won’t ask you to reconsider, nor will

I change my way of doing things. Our relationship will be over. But

you always have that choice.”

I looked into her eyes. They looked clear, relaxed, and

unwavering. These were her rules and they were the only rules in

her house.

“Lead the way,” I said.

❖

I was learning that Jeanne was never likely to deliver the

expected. Still, I was thoroughly surprised to find Adele and

another woman in the room we walked into. Surprised and less than

delighted.

The room was not unlike what I had imagined it would be.

Similar to the study on the other side of the wall, this room had a rich

wooden tone and walls painted a deep red. There were no windows,

however, and the light came from the various floor and table lamps

placed around the room. At one end there was a comfortable

furniture grouping—leather sofa and arm chairs, ottomans, coffee

table. It was beyond this grouping where the room’s real purpose

was revealed. There were what I thought of as the catalog pieces—

furniture built with bondage in mind. A St. Andrew’s Cross (who

was St. Andrew, I wondered, and was he into bondage?), a pommel

horse, a punishment bench, suspension bars, stockades, even a cage

in the corner. There were hooks and eyebolts screwed into the walls

and ceiling at a variety of heights throughout the room. At the far

end was a huge antique armoire.

I was able to take this in almost instantly because of my

extensive knowledge of what the Internet has to offer in the way

• 29 •

lesley Gowan

of bondage equipment, but I’d never seen any of the equipment

live. I could feel my arousal, a pure Pavlovian response. Despite

my excitement, it was still unnerving to see Adele. She was gagged

and blindfolded, her arms stretched above her head, the cuffs on

her wrists linked together and hooked to the wall. She was on her

knees on the bare wooden floor, naked, a short chain from the belt

she wore secured to the base of the wall. She was perfectly still. I

understood now that Adele was my rival, and normally, it would be

a good thing to see a rival tied up and helpless. Not in this world.

Being the helpless one in the room gave her the power in our private

struggle.

Jeanne led me to the far side of the room where a beautiful

butch woman rose from the sofa and nodded to us. She appeared to

have been sitting there reading a book, which she now stuffed into

a backpack.

“Laura, this is a friend of mine, Pat. I asked her here tonight to

help me with a demonstration.”

Pat reached out to shake my hand, as if we were at a cocktail

party and not in a bondage room with a naked woman strung up just

a few feet away. Talk about your elephant in the room. Pat looked

to be in her early thirties, quite a bit younger than Jeanne. Her short,

straight hair flopped into her eyes, which were big and brown and

accented with a strong brow. Her build was athletic and she wore

skinny, straight-leg jeans, a black T-shirt, and a white Oxford shirt,

the sleeves rolled up to the elbows. She had intricate tattoos on both

forearms. She may have come to the house on a motorcycle or a

skateboard. Both would have fit.

“Anything special?” Pat asked.

“Please, whatever you desire,” Jeanne said.

Pat smiled. “Got it.”

She moved away from the sofa and Jeanne and I took her place.

There was a thermos of coffee on the table in front of us, and Jeanne

poured us both a cup as Pat unbuttoned her shirt and threw it over

a chair. Her T-shirt was tight; it stretched over her small breasts

and tapered down her long torso. Her arms were muscular, clearly

defined, and surprisingly large for someone so lean. She must have

• 30 •

The ColleCTors

worked prodigiously with weights to sculpt them. I thought she

looked tireless, and I didn’t know whether to pity Adele or envy

her. No, that’s disingenuous. Though I was desperate for Jeanne, I

would have thrown myself at Pat’s feet at the slightest invitation. It

appeared, however, that for the time being I was to have neither of

them.

Pat walked over and plucked earplugs out of Adele’s ears,

removed the blindfold and gag, and reached up to unhook her wrist

cuffs from the wall high above her head. Adele fell to her side with

a loud moan, still attached to the wall by the chain at her waist.

“How long has she been like that?” I asked Jeanne. I whispered,

as if we were at the theater.

“Since six thirty, just before I left to pick you up.”

It was almost eleven now. I looked back and saw Adele was

having a hard time making her muscles work properly. Pat unhooked

the last chain and put her boot against Adele’s flank, nudging her

toward the center of the room. She let her crawl at her own pace,

but she steered her with sharp taps on her butt and thighs. Then she

tapped her on the upper back and Adele immediately stopped, rose

to her knees facing Jeanne and me, and put her hands behind her

back, her shoulders back and her breasts forward. Pat attached wrist

cuffs to the chain still around her waist.

Jeanne and I were seated side by side. She was relaxed and

leaning back, while I was eager and leaning forward. I didn’t want

to miss anything. Even though I wanted to be in Adele’s place, I was

finding watching plenty exciting. I squirmed on the sofa.

“Take your panties off,” Jeanne said, pulling my dress up my

thigh. “Take them off and then sit directly on the sofa—no fabric

between.”

I did as I was told, smelling my excitement the moment I pulled

the panties away. I worried about spotting the furniture, but lifted

my dress and sat back on the cool leather.

“And no squirming.”

There was no edge to her voice, no threatening glare, but I

obeyed as if she had a gun to my head. I wanted nothing more

than to put some pressure on my clit, but I didn’t dare. Maybe,

• 31 •

lesley Gowan

I thought, I could just push downward, ever so slightly, and she

wouldn’t notice.

“Do not move a muscle,” she said. “Just watch your friend Adele.”

Pat had returned from a trip to the armoire, one arm holding a

number of items, the other dragging along a metal frame. It looked

like what I’d seen called a punishment bench, where a submissive

is bent over the frame and strapped to it at the wrists and ankles, her

ass exposed and held in place with another strap across her waist,

two more at her thighs. The breasts are left exposed from below.

This bench was about waist-high instead of the knee high ones I’d

seen in the catalogs. Pat secured Adele to the frame. Adele’s was the

easier bondage, I thought. I had been ordered to stay still without

benefit of being tied up or strapped down.

Pat picked up a flogger from the pile of toys on the floor. It was

a short, multi stranded whip of broad leather strips. It didn’t look

terribly threatening, and as Pat began to lightly stroke Adele’s ass

with it I couldn’t see it was having much of an effect. I felt a little

disappointed, worried that Jeanne’s style, and hence Pat’s style, was

not very intense. I didn’t think I was going to be satisfied with a

vanilla sort of BDSM. But then I noticed the flogger landing a little

more rapidly, with a little more authority, and Adele’s ass began to

redden. I could see Adele’s mouth was held in a grimace, but she

didn’t make a noise, even as Pat began to put some arm into the

strokes. In fact, the only noise I heard in the room was the flogger

hitting Adele’s skin. When Pat briefly stopped, all I could hear was

my own breath, rapid and shallow. I thought I would die if I couldn’t

press my clit onto something, anything, but I held tight.

Pat moved to the front of the bench and squatted in front of

Adele. She reached under and grasped Adele’s nipples, one at a

time, as she placed clamps on them. Adele’s eyes grew bigger and

she bit her lip, but she still managed to stay silent. Pat picked up a

riding crop and started hitting Adele’s breasts, their weight pulling

them straight down from the bench, making them perfect targets.

Jeanne must have known I would fail to stay completely still,

that my excitement would grow beyond the point I could control it.

When I pushed down on the sofa and wiggled my hips, all control

• 32 •

The ColleCTors

gone, she grabbed the back of my neck and pushed me off the sofa

and onto my knees. Then she brought my wrists behind my back and

held them there.

“I’m not impressed with your willingness to please me,” she

said.

“But it’s all I want,” I said, turning my face toward her.

“I know what you want.” She took me by the jaw and pointed

my face forward. Pat was unzipping her jeans.

“Remain still. Keep your hands behind your back. Stay on your

knees. That’s what I want.”

I focused my attention on remaining still, and then I became

engrossed once again in the action playing out in front of us. Pat

kicked off her jeans and reached back into the toy pile. She was

wearing a harness, all ready to go but for the large dildo she now

slipped into place. As soon as she slapped on some lube, Pat grabbed

Adele’s hips and entered her. She went all the way in at once, and it

looked effortless. Adele cried out, the first sound out of her mouth

all evening. There was no doubt it was a cry of pleasure, and as

Pat worked furiously behind her, Adele became louder and louder

until a sustained cry let everyone know she’d had a bone-rattling

orgasm. Or she was an extremely gifted actress. I was quite certain

she came, for I was quite certain I would have. I almost did without

being touched.

I didn’t know whether Pat had come. She never changed her

expression from the time of the first lash to the last thrust. She was

so handsome, so focused. She took the dildo out of the harness and

then pulled on her jeans. She was just slightly out of breath. She

looked over at Jeanne. Jeanne looked at me.

“You may stand up now, Laura,” she said. “I’m going to have

Pat show you out, if you don’t mind. I’d like a little time with Adele.”

Chaos reigned in my brain. My desire to obey Jeanne was met

with an equal desire to punch her in the nose. How could she throw

me out again? This was sadistic. She may never take a hand to me, I

thought, and I’d still think her the most sadistic woman in recorded

history. I was opening my mouth to say something when she put her

finger to my lips and hushed me.

• 33 •

lesley Gowan

“And remember. Do not touch yourself. Not until I say it’s

okay. Do I have your word?”

We stared at each other, she cool and remote, me in a tizzy. I

took a deep breath and nodded, not willing to end this by telling

her how angry and frustrated I was. Pat took me by the elbow and

escorted me across the room. Adele was still strapped to the bench,

her gaze fixed straight ahead. As we passed in front of her, she

peered up at me and smiled. Smugly.

• 34 •

The ColleCTors

ChapTer Three—TruTh feels

BeTTer Than fiCTion

I hoped for a call from Jeanne the next day. There was none.

Day two, day three—still nothing. I worked feverishly on

my dissertation, trying to focus on anything but sex. I wasn’t used

to not giving myself some relief when I felt aroused. I wasn’t into

torturing myself, ironically. It hadn’t occurred to me the torture

I’d willingly submit myself to from another woman might include

withholding orgasms. I’m a masochist. I’ve slowly come to accept

that about myself, even without any real experience. But I’m not

crazy. No matter what form my sexuality might express itself in,

it’s still sex. There remains a goal we all seek—the indescribably

powerful elixir of an orgasm.

After four days of not doing anything about the constant

arousal, I knew I couldn’t stand it any longer. I’d taken to smoking

cigarettes and stuffing myself with sweets, trying to assuage my

craving. I was drinking a bottle of wine every night as I watched

my cell phone and waited for her call. I started to feel like a cat

in heat. Any second, I would start yowling. On my own, I could

not withstand the agony. Once my mind was made up, I literally

ran into my bedroom and fumbled in the nightstand for my Hitachi

Magic Wand. I fell to my knees to plug her in and then nearly came

at the sound of her turned to the low setting. I managed to hold off

long enough to rip off my pants and fall on top of the wand. One,

two, three seconds…and Boom! Explosive, yes, but one of the most

• 35 •

lesley Gowan

unsatisfying orgasms of my life. It was immediately followed by

guilt, dread, and a telephone call from Jeanne.

I was still lying facedown on the bed, straddling my lover,

the Hitachi, when I heard the warbling of my cell phone. I was

too boneless to dash into the living room to pick it up, but I knew

somehow it was Jeanne. I didn’t doubt that among her many powers

was the power of omniscience. She knew I’d disobeyed her. I was

sure she was calling to tell me my disobedience meant she’d never

be calling me again.

I staggered out of the bedroom, naked except for my “Clit-

Lit” T-shirt, and stared at my phone. There was a message from

Jeanne.

“Laura, it’s Jeanne. I’d like for you to join me at nine. Sharp.

Just come to the front door as usual. Mrs. K. will see to you. And

remember. Don’t touch yourself. I’ll be disappointed if you have.”

If we closely examined it, the truth was I didn’t touch myself,

nor was I touched by another person. The Magic Wand was the only

thing that made contact with my pussy. This may be considered a

technicality, but it didn’t make it any less the truth. Technically. What

if she threw me out because I couldn’t follow this one simple order?

Despite my orgasm (which was nearly medicinal, something akin

to a diabetic needing insulin), despite the disregard of her express

wishes, I was still desperate for Jeanne and desperate to please her.

I felt miserable.

I spent an inordinate amount of time on my makeup and clothes

preparing myself for her. I wanted her to find me delicious. At nine

o’clock, I rang the doorbell of her house and the ever dour Mrs.

Kirchberger answered. She motioned me to follow her and we walked

toward the rear of the house and down some stairs. I wondered if

Jeanne had a dungeon down here, something more sinister in feel

than her playroom upstairs. I hoped so. Mrs. K. knocked on a door,

and within seconds, it was opened by a woman talking on her phone.

She waved at Mrs. K., pulled me in by the arm, and closed the door

with a push from her bare foot.

“No, no, Margaret,” she was saying. “I’ll be there by eleven.

I’m working, I’m sorry. No, I’ll see you there.”

• 36 •

The ColleCTors

She disconnected and threw her phone on the coffee table in

front of us. As she looked at me, I took a quick look around and

saw we were definitely not in a dungeon. We appeared to be in

the small living room of a garden apartment. It was beautifully

furnished. The woman in front of me was also beautiful—about

forty, with long auburn hair, a dancer’s body, a lovely face with

simple makeup.

“Hello, Laura. I’m a friend of Jeanne’s, and she’s asked me to

go over a few things with you before she meets with you tonight.”

She was friendly, but she spoke very rapidly. Whatever she

was going to do with me, I felt like she’d done it plenty of times

before.

“I didn’t catch you name,” I said.

She laughed. “Oops. It’s Veronica. Sorry, I’m a little distracted

tonight. Let’s get started, shall we?”

She motioned me to sit beside her on the sofa.

“I’m not here to talk to you about Jeanne or to try to explain her

ways to you. Nor am I going to give you instruction on ‘the life.’”

She said this while making quotation marks in the air. Her tone was

matter-of-fact, sort of like a tired tour guide.

“Jeanne has her ways, as do all of the best tops, and she’s asked

me to help prepare you so you’ll be most pleasing to her.”

This was a blow. I thought she was very pleased with how I

looked. And if she wasn’t, why was I even here?

“I don’t understand,” I said, and I know I sounded hurt.

“Of course you don’t. I’m told you have zero experience. Just

try to listen to me and don’t get defensive. Your job is to do as you’re

told, which is easier if you don’t have too many feelings floating

around. Trust me, they’ll just make things complicated.”

She took my face by the chin and moved it from side to side.

“You’re pretty,” she said. “Just a few things to work on up here.

We’ll get your clothes off and see what else needs to be done.”

She led me toward the rear of the apartment and into an

enormous bathroom, more like a spa, really. Veronica then spent

the next hour going over every inch of my body. She tweezed,

squeezed, and pruned. She shaved, waxed, and trimmed, leaving me

• 37 •

lesley Gowan

with a delicate triangle of pubic hair, unbelievably smooth legs and

underarms, and a hairless ass crack. I didn’t even know that could

be an issue. I was mortified.

It only got worse when she took me into the shower area and I

saw an enema bag hanging from the shower faucet. It looked huge

and extremely menacing. I’ve never seen enema equipment and I’d

not read much about it in any book in my collection. I guessed men

were more into enemas than women. But I wasn’t naïve. I knew why

a top would want me clean.

By the end of that experience, I was deeply humiliated, but I

was also fairly certain nothing Jeanne would do to me later could

make me feel worse. And yet, the fact that I was submitting to these

indignities reminded me Jeanne was waiting for me. The thought

of her thinking about what she’d do to me kept me excited. It was

unlikely I’d say no to anything at this point.

Veronica’s final tasks were to dress me and put on my makeup.

The dress was a classic black linen dress matched with black

sandals. The makeup was elegant and simple, like Veronica’s. My

hair wasn’t a problem. It fell to my shoulders with a natural wave.

Veronica pinned it up for the minute it took her to put a three inch

collar around my neck and then cuffs at my ankles and wrists. They

all had rings on them, ready to be attached to something. I felt my

pussy tighten. I must have been no more than a few minutes away

from seeing Jeanne. From giving myself to her.

As we walked back through the small apartment, I glanced

into a bedroom. It was as neat as a hotel room, but photos on the

nightstand and a stuffed animal propped on the bed told me someone

lived there.

“Is this your place?” I asked.

“Me? God, no. This is Adele’s.”

I stopped. “Adele lives here?”

“Yeah. I don’t know what the arrangement is between her and

Jeanne, but Adele moved her stuff in here last year.”

I felt devastated, reminded of my insignificance. I had barely

been touched by Jeanne, yet I somehow expected to be primary in

her life. I’d already been told by Adele that she “belonged” to Jeanne.

• 38 •

The ColleCTors

Why would I be surprised she lived in Jeanne’s house? I should have

at least been relieved she wasn’t living in the main house.

I was about to ask more questions when Veronica tugged on

my arm.

“Come on. Jeanne’s expecting you, and you don’t want to keep

her waiting. I can tell you that much.”

Mrs. Kirchberger was on the other side of the apartment door

when Veronica opened it. I was passed over without comment and

led up the stairs toward the study. As I followed her, I couldn’t help

wondering what Mrs. K.’s story was. She was the most reserved

person I’d ever met. She hadn’t said one word to me in any of the

times I’d seen her, no matter how polite I was or how direct my

questions. She seemed too fusty and weird for someone like Jeanne.

But then, I didn’t know Jeanne. My imagination had been obsessed

with her for weeks, but time spent together in my head doesn’t really

count. The only things I knew about Jeanne were that she collected

art and dominated women. I was intensely drawn to her. What more

did I need to know?

The study door was open. Jeanne was sitting at her desk,

studying slides on a light board. She looked up and smiled.

“Ah, there you are. Thank you, Mrs. K. That will be all for

tonight.”

Mrs. K. closed the door behind her and I could hear it lock. I

could feel my nerves, wondering if I would please Jeanne, worried

about the damn orgasm I had earlier in the day. I worried about

Adele living in the house and what that meant. Maybe I was the most

inconsequential of trifles for Jeanne, and Adele’s position, whatever

it was, wasn’t at all threatened by me. She just feared it was. I guess

I feared it wasn’t. I’ve never been one to break up a home, but the

idea of not being part of Jeanne’s world seemed intolerable. I would

accept second fiddle if that’s what Jeanne wanted.

Jeanne came up to me and held me by my upper arms as

she looked me up and down. She kissed me on both cheeks, very

Continental, and walked me to the sofa. There she poured champagne

for us both and sat next to me. She kicked off her shoes and seemed

very relaxed. She must have been pleased with what Veronica did,

• 39 •

lesley Gowan

but she was not making me feel like I was about to get topped, which

confused me. She touched her glass to mine.

“I wanted to thank you for your help at the auction. I was

able to turn that painting around and sell it for a quick twenty-five

percent profit.”

“Wonderful,” I said. “But you were the one who knew it would

be valuable. I didn’t do anything.”

“But you did! You were with me. You were there for me. You

understand this passion of mine for art.”

“I’d like to think I understand your other passion as well.” I

peered over my Champagne glass, trying to gauge her reaction to

this. She dismissed my comment with a wave of her hand.

“Oh, that. There are plenty of women who get that.”

“There are?”

“You haven’t any idea, have you?” Jeanne put her glass down

and started playing with a strand of my hair. “There is a very

established community who enjoy dominating or being dominated

by other women. I’ve lived within it for a long time. You’ll come to

understand it soon enough.”

“So it is like my books.” I couldn’t believe my fantasy world

might be more real than I thought.

“Adele mentioned you’re quite a collector of erotica. I’ve not

read much of it myself, but I can’t imagine the real thing is much

like the crap written by men.”

“Oh, no. I only collect the works written by women, about

women.” I was a bit proud of this.

“Darling, I don’t want to rain on your parade, but a lot of those

female author names are pseudonyms for male writers. Hacks,

really. They’re writing strictly for money and haven’t a clue what

actually goes on.”

I had the deep, sinking feeling that reminded me of junior high

school when I would do something stupid in front of all the cool

kids. It was becoming clear that those who practiced BDSM weren’t

really into the books the way I was. I felt like a poser. I switched

subjects.

“Speaking of Adele,” I said, “I wanted to ask you something.”

• 40 •

The ColleCTors

“I don’t speak about Adele.”

“So I can’t ask you what her living here means?”

“No, you can’t”

I opened my mouth, ready to approach the matter from another

angle, but Jeanne spoke first.

“What interests me about you, Laura, is we share more than an

interest in pain and pleasure. We share a sophisticated knowledge of

art. That, to me, is very sexy.”

She leaned in as if to kiss me, her hand now holding the back

of my head. Instead of a kiss she brought her lips to my ear and

whispered, “Did you obey me? Have you touched yourself? Has

anyone else touched you?” She moved her head back, seeking my

eyes with her own. “Don’t lie to me, Laura. Everything ends if you

lie to me.”

She held my face until I met her gaze. I knew I’d not be able to

get away with any half truth. And I found I didn’t want to. If she was

to have control of my body, I wanted her to have control of me, my

craftiness, my sneakiness, my evasions. I wanted to be stripped of all

the decision making when we were together. That, to me, was sexy.

“I used my vibrator today,” I said, keeping my eyes on her.

Her eyes narrowed. “I see.”

I started to speak, and she put her hand over my mouth.

“Don’t. Don’t make excuses. Don’t make your situation worse

than it is.” She took the scarf from her neck and tied it around my

mouth. I was crestfallen to have disappointed Jeanne, but excited to

know I’d be punished for it. I could see this would be a confusing

dynamic.

Jeanne stood and grabbed me by the ring at the front of my

collar, hauling me up from the sofa. I soon found myself standing in

the middle of the playroom. Jeanne looked at me coolly and told me

to get my clothes off. She picked up a remote control and a chain

began to lower from the tall ceiling, stopping at shoulder level. She

clipped my wrists to it. On the floor were two small trap doors about

four feet apart. She flipped those open to reveal chains bolted inside

a pocket under the wood flooring. My ankles were tightly secured

by these chains.

• 41 •

lesley Gowan

With remote in hand, she watched as my arms were raised

above my head. I felt more exposed than I ever thought possible, and

with each stop and start of the chain the feeling grew exponentially.

I didn’t grow more naked as the bonds grew tighter. I grew more

helpless, unable to move more than a few inches in any direction. I

could taste the Hermes silk in my mouth. Was I drooling all over it?

Was I ruining her scarf?

The few lamps lit in the room cast an amber glow, spotlighting

me but keeping the rest of the room in darkness. From where I

was bound, I was able only to see the sofa and chairs from which

we’d watched Adele and Pat just a few days earlier. I could hear

Jeanne behind me at the armoire, rummaging around a bit before

the door clicked shut and her shoes on the hardwood floor marked

her approach. She walked past me and put some things on the coffee

table. Then she turned and took a long look at me.

What did she see? My body was stretched into an inverted Y,

but rather than distorting its natural shapeliness, I could see in her

eyes that the shape was exactly what she wanted to see. My face

must have betrayed my growing discomfort. My shoulders began to

ache and my splayed legs could not seem to take much of the weight

off them. I looked down to see my breasts, bouncing a little as I tried

to find the most comfortable position from a menu of zero options.

I could see the tiny, unfamiliar patch of hair between my legs. Was

this me? Was any of this me? As Jeanne slowly circled I knew that

it was. As I sank into the discomfort I could feel her surrounding

me with a net of safety. I’m not sure it made sense, but it was how I

felt and it was incredibly exciting. I could feel myself grow wetter.

Actually feel it.

Jeanne was behind me. She had not said a word. Her hands ran

up both thighs and back down, and then they gripped the flesh and

came back up, fingernails scraping along until the hands met at my

ass. She skimmed over it and concentrated on my back, rubbing and

scraping, the touch sensuous, as if her hands couldn’t believe how

soft my naked flesh was before she marked it. This process went on

around my body, every plane and fold and crease and mound first

touched and then scraped, leaving red marks all over. My skin felt

• 42 •

The ColleCTors

on fire. As she dug into my breasts, Jeanne stared deep into my eyes,

a stare I returned fully, despite my eyes watering with tears.

I felt more alive, more turned on than ever before. When

Jeanne’s hands hesitated in front of my pussy, I moaned loudly

through the scarf, trying to thrust myself onto her hand. She smiled

with satisfaction.

She removed the scarf from my mouth and then tied it around

my eyes. The dark room went black.

“You’re not to utter a single word,” she said. “Screaming,

however, is allowed. Within reason, of course.”

I heard her move toward the coffee table and then come back,

standing quite close. There seemed to be complete silence. I couldn’t

even hear her breathe. Then I felt her lips on my neck, gently nipping,

then not so gently. And then, yes, thank God, she held my breasts

and lowered her face to them, sucking on one nipple and then the

other. Sucking harder, so I could feel a direct current between nipple

and clit. Biting now, sharp, searing pain. I cried out because the pain

shocked me. She bit and kissed and sucked until I felt only seconds

away from coming. The pain was bringing me closer to orgasm. Was

this me? Yes. As much as I always dreamed it was.

I felt a rope wrap around one breast and then the other,

squeezing them, engorging them. I could feel the blood just below

the skin’s surface and I whimpered. The thought that they might

explode crossed my mind.

“Your breasts are glorious, Laura. They are gifts. And now they

are wrapped up for me.”

I cried out as I felt the first clamp attach to my left nipple,

followed quickly by one on my right. The pain was awful until a

moment passed and then the pain was delicious. She added weights

to each clamp. Sweat started to pop out on the top of my brow.

I heard Jeanne step away and pour herself something to drink.

The leather squeaked as she sat on the sofa. I didn’t know what she

was doing, but I was left standing for what seemed like eternity. The

pain in my breasts and nipples subsided as they grew numb. The

situation now was more one of profound vulnerability, profound

submission. My desperate wish was not that I be released, but that

• 43 •

lesley Gowan

she find me worthy, interesting, and lovely enough to continue to

care for me in this way.

When she returned to me, I felt her hands at my breasts. She

removed both nipple clamps and swiftly unwound the rope from

each breast, the sensation of their release nearly overwhelming me.

I slumped where I stood, taking all my weight on my arms as the

blood rushed from my swollen breasts and back into my nipples.

Jeanne then stood behind me, wrapping her arms around my waist

and murmuring soothingly.

“That’s all now. We’re done for tonight. You were beautiful.

So brave.”

“Done?” I said.

“Almost done.” Her hands were roaming now, caressing,

gently exploring. “There’s just one more thing while you’re

standing here.”

I remembered I wasn’t supposed to talk, and I wondered if

she did. Her hand moved over my pussy and she didn’t seem to

have punishment in mind. I tried to thrust myself onto her hand.

It was involuntary, like one of those sticks that move when they

sense water. I needed to come. Jeanne did not bother teasing me.

She reached right for me and with less effort than it takes to pop

open a soda can she had me screaming out the most intense orgasm

I’m sure I’ve ever had. It lasted so long I was starting to want it to

end. I thought my body might fly apart.

Jeanne lifted the scarf off me, but I couldn’t raise my head to

look at her. It would have required a coordinated effort between

muscle and brain, something I was not yet capable of. She held

me around the waist as she lowered the chain, my shoulders

burning as the pressure was slowly released. Then she unhooked

the chains at my ankles and walked me over to the sofa. She

handed me water.

“Did I do okay?” I asked. “I want to please you, but I have no

idea if you’re pleased.”

Jeanne looked impressed. “How refreshing,” she said. “I am

pleased. But we’ve only begun. I can’t take a complete newcomer

like you and use all my favorite toys on you the first night.”

• 44 •

The ColleCTors

“Yes, you can!” I heard the eagerness in my voice. I tried to

calm down. Even a dominant like Jeanne wanted a bit of mystery, a

little reserve. I shouldn’t throw myself on her completely.

“I know what I’m doing,” she said.

“Of course.”

“There is the matter of you disobeying me, which won’t go

unpunished. When the time suits me.”

We sat next to each other. I was still stark naked, while Jeanne

was fully clothed. She started to take her belt off and I thought she’d

changed her mind about when that punishment would occur.

“This is new to you despite all of your reading, and I don’t want

to overwhelm you. But one thing you will learn to do every time we

spend this kind of time together is to pleasure me. I insist on it.” She

smiled.

I felt another rush of excitement hit my mid-section as I

watched her take her pants off. Her long legs were smooth with

shapely thighs. She lifted her butt again and took off her panties,

black, boy-style, revealing her own neatly shaved triangle.

“Lay down. I’m going to straddle you. Tonight, I’ll do most of

the work, but don’t expect such generosity in the future.”

I would consider any opportunity to pleasure Jeanne to be a

gift, no matter what position she and I were in. I lay full length

on the sofa and she got right on top of my face, lowering herself

quickly and finding my tongue. I knew what I was doing here,

but she wasn’t interested in any of my tongue gymnastics. I could

feel how excited she was. Her drenching wetness. Her trembling

thighs, straining to hold herself together. She used my tongue to

trace herself against me and told me to keep it still when I moved it

to meet her. Then she pressed down hard and moved deeply, and the

only thing I heard from her were a few involuntary grunts and then

a much longer groan as she tightened up over me and let herself

be taken. It was glorious. I drank from her. She moved back and

collapsed on top of me, shirtfront to breast, both of us breathing

deeply. I wrapped my arms around her back and we lay perfectly

still for a long time.

Was this me? God, I hoped so.

• 45 •

lesley Gowan

❖

I served my apprenticeship over the next week. Every evening,

I would arrive at eight and be greeted by Mrs. Kirchberger, who

would escort me to the lower level. I never saw Adele. I’d do my

best imitation of the ablutions shown me by Veronica. Then Mrs.

K. would take me upstairs and leave me with Jeanne in the study.

At midnight, I would leave Jeanne, at her command, and find a

car waiting outside to take me home. In the four hours in between,

I was tested in matters of agility, flexibility, endurance, and pain

tolerance. There were no grades, no right or wrong. Jeanne and

I were finding out what I was capable of, and it turned out to be

quite a lot.

On the first evening of this apprenticeship, we sat in the study

and ate pizza and watched a couple episodes of a TV show she liked.

She wore jeans and a faded blue button-down shirt. I thought she

looked incredibly hot. When the show was over and she clicked off

the TV, she had me stand in front of her and take my dress off. I kept

my bra and underwear on. Then she pulled some handcuffs from her

back jeans pocket and cuffed my wrists in front of me. She pulled

me down and across her lap, butt raised, arms stretched out in front

of me, panties lowered, and gave me a very long and loud spanking.

The sound of her hand smacking my ass was like a thunderclap, but

more surprising to me was how incredibly much it hurt. At first I

didn’t think I’d be able to stand it. After each smack she’d rub her

hand over the warm flesh, sometimes snaking her fingers between

my legs. I realized with some shame how wet I was. The more

she hit me, the wetter I got. When she rubbed my ass for so long

I thought the spanking was done, I actually felt sad. Let down. It

was too early to stop, I thought. I hadn’t come yet. Or if not come, I

hadn’t hit some mark yet that would tell me I’d had enough. I didn’t

know yet what that mark was.

Nor did I know yet that from then on, Jeanne wouldn’t end a

session until she knew I had enough. She rose from the sofa with me

still on her lap, sending me tumbling onto the floor.

“Get on your knees,” she said.

• 46 •

The ColleCTors

When I did, she reached into another pocket and brought out

a slender collar. She quickly put it on me and then pulled me to

my feet, leading me into the play room. From the array of crosses,

benches, chains, frames, and stocks, I couldn’t guess which area

she’d lead me to, but I should have guessed it was Ass night. She

brought me to a small bench and had me lean over it, my knees

on a shelf and my torso bent forward and pointed down. I was an

inverted V. I felt ankle restraints go on, as well as straps around my

thighs. The handcuffs were removed and replaced with wrist cuffs

securing me at the other end. I couldn’t move my body. I could raise

my head, which I did when Jeanne stood in front of me with several

whips and canes in her hands.

“As you may have guessed, I’ve taken a lot of care in putting

this room together, including having it thoroughly soundproofed.

You see, I didn’t want to have to curtail my own actions out of worry

about how loud my slave is screaming.”

She sounded much harsher than she had the night before.

Probably this was part of her overall strategy of seduction and

dominance, and of course it was working on me. The idea that I

wouldn’t be able to change her mind about punishing me or influence

the severity of the punishment was what kept pulling me in. Do with

me what you will, I thought. And she did.

She used a leather flogger with knots at the end of each strand.

She used a leather clad cane and then a bamboo cane. At the end, and

for just a stroke or two, she used a single tail whip. And I did scream.

It was hard to know while it was going on whether I was turned on

or not. I was so present, so exactly in that moment of anticipating

and then feeling the pain, I couldn’t consciously process anything

else. When it was over, when I was panting and I could hear Jeanne

breathing heavily, when my ass was so hot I’m sure you could have

fried eggs on it, when those few seconds ticked by since the last

lash, then I could feel how turned on I was. I pushed myself against

the bench, seeing if I could get anything in the general vicinity to

touch me and bring me some relief.

She wasn’t quite done with me. I felt her hands on my ass,

lightly smoothing over the welts and bruises before positioning

• 47 •

lesley Gowan

herself and entering my cunt with a generously sized dildo. She

went full in and I was ready, surprised but welcoming. She fucked

me slowly and for a long time, and I came at least twice. I wasn’t

quiet about it. I didn’t think I could come by being fucked. I never

did with a man. I never did when being fucked this way by the one

girlfriend I had who would do it.

Did Jeanne come? If she did, it still wasn’t enough for her. She

undid my restraints and told me to go kneel by the sofa. She allowed

me to drink some water from the carafe on the coffee table and then

disappeared for a few minutes. When she returned she was wearing

a long silk robe. She sat on the sofa in front of me and parted the

robe, pushing her pelvis forward on the seat.

“You know what to do,” she said.

I eagerly bent forward, my mouth finding her and the smell

of the silicone toy she’d worn. When my tongue touched her, she

jerked forward, grabbing me by the back of my head and holding me

close to her. It didn’t take long to bring her to orgasm, but it was a

wild ride. I was bucked around like a rodeo cowboy, and I wondered

if my eight and a half seconds on her was a record or not.

“The car will be outside for you,” she said. “Be back here

tomorrow night.”

And that’s how it was the whole week. She introduced me

to nearly every piece of bondage furniture in her room, each

instrument of torture she had locked in the armoire. I have no idea

how I performed relative to other newcomers, but she seemed quite

pleased. Of course, she would never say she was pleased, but I

could tell I was making her happy. She slowed down some and

seemed to savor moments, and a few times I saw affection in her

eyes. I had scant clues to go by as to her feelings, but that look and

the fact that she kept telling me to come back—those had to mean

something.

On the last night of the week, as I was attached to the big X they

called a St. Andrew’s Cross, Jeanne spent a long time flogging me.

My breasts were bright red and my thighs had marks crisscrossing

them. I showed no sign of having had enough, for I hadn’t. I hoped

she’d turn me around and do my back.

• 48 •

The ColleCTors

“You’re a true masochist,” Jeanne said.

“What?” I was gagged, so it sounded more like “Whaoaora?”

“You can take a lot of pain. It gets you off.”

I didn’t think that sounded very becoming, though it was

unquestionably true. The pain did get me off, and each day I was

discovering new levels of tolerance. But I didn’t really want to be

identified as a masochist. They didn’t get much respect.

“Why did you pick someone like Balthus to write your

dissertation on?” she asked.

“Whaoaora?”

Jeanne reached up and undid my gag. I had to work my jaw a

bit before I could speak.

“What does Balthus have to do with anything right now?”

“I find him an interesting choice.”

“Why? He was a great painter. Plus, not much has been written

about him. He’s an ideal choice.”

I hoped I didn’t feel so defensive when I actually had to defend

my dissertation before my committee. Chances were I wouldn’t be

hanging naked on a cross while they questioned me. I had a hard time

with discourse when my skin was on fire and my pussy throbbing.

Jeanne continued. “He was a wonderful painter, I agree. But

what do you make of Balthus very pointedly denying having any

Jewish blood? Do you approve of people denying who they are?”

She stood before me with her flogger held behind her back, in a

sort of at-ease position. I couldn’t think of anything to say.

“It makes me wonder if you gravitated toward him because you

too have spent a lot of time denying who you really are.”

“I have not.” I was indignant.

“I believe you have. How old are you, Laura?”

“Twenty-seven.”

“And when did you start having fantasies of a woman

dominating you?”

“Uhm. Seventeen?”

“You see what I mean, then. It took ten years before you were

willing to act on what makes you happy, to operate from who you

really are.”

• 49 •

lesley Gowan

Jeanne poured herself some wine and came back over. She

ran her hand lazily over my body, stopping to feel the weight of

my breast in her hand. I decided to hold my tongue and not argue.

I could easily dismantle her point about Balthus and his Jewish

heritage. He was not an anti-Semite. And I didn’t believe I’d said

anything indicating I was ashamed of who I am. Jeanne was up to

something I didn’t know the purpose of, which was her prerogative

as a dominant. I just hoped she didn’t talk too long.

“Then there’s Balthus’s subject matter, which has always been

controversial. What do you make of The Guitar Lesson? Can you

deny he depicted a girl in a sexual pose with a grown woman?”

Oh, dear. I felt as Balthus must have. Pilloried for something

he never intended.

“Balthus maintained until his dying day that he simply showed

the sometimes confused sexualities of adolescents,” I said.

“And you believe this?”

“Perhaps you should read my dissertation.”

The air seemed chilly now. Jeanne continued to sip her wine,

staring at me as if I were a new installation at Madame Tussauds.

After several minutes of silence, I couldn’t stand the discomfort.

Hanging by my wrists on the X-cross was fine. It was the

psychological discomfort of the silence I couldn’t stand.

“I’m sorry you don’t approve of the subject for my dissertation.

If you were to read it, I’d welcome your comments.”

Jeanne smiled now, putting down her glass. She began to

disengage me from the cross.

“It’s just the opposite. I applaud your choice. I think it’s

distinguished and brave, and I’m sure you’ll be published.”

She took me over to the sofa to sit and drink some water while

she rummaged in the armoire. I was convinced there was some

magical space behind the armoire large enough to hold every sex toy

ever created. When she came back she instructed me to turn and face

the rear of the sofa, kneel on the seat cushion, and brace myself with

my arms on the back. She put a blindfold on me. She put the gag

back in my mouth. Before she put plugs in my ears she said, “I’m

shutting down some of your senses so you will feel this completely.

• 50 •

The ColleCTors

I’m not tying you into place, but you will stay exactly where you

are, in exactly this pose, until I tell you to move.”

Then she put the plugs in my ears. I couldn’t see, hear, or speak.

But I could feel. The cold surprise of lube being pushed into my ass

by a dildo—I felt that. It was not as large as the dildos she’d used

in my pussy. I would have been trying to scream bloody murder if

it were. As it was, I moaned the whole time she pushed it in. It was

slow, and it hurt, but I also wanted to cry with joy. I completely

trusted her. I felt bonded to her. The higher up my ass she went,

the closer to her I felt. Perhaps that’s not the most romantically

worded sentiment, but the entire week of beatings and suspensions

and orgasms all culminated in this one act—me, unchained, held in

place by nothing more than my desire to give myself to her. It was

hard to think of this as just sex. There was something else entirely

going on.

When the dildo was all the way in she locked it in place with

a belt of some sort and walked away. I didn’t hear her leave, but I

could tell she was no longer there. I had no idea how long she’d be

gone. I thought about Balthus.

• 51 •

• 52 •

The ColleCTors

ChapTer four—adele

After a solid week of sweet punishment, I can’t say I wasn’t

glad to spend a night or two at home. I was falling behind

on the schedule I’d set to complete my dissertation. And I was late

getting papers back to students in the introductory art history class

I was teaching. It was time to give real life a little attention, but I

missed Jeanne the moment I left her house.

The yearning was intensified by having no idea when I’d see

her again. Jeanne seemed to want me. She couldn’t get enough of me

over the past seven days. But she doled out information on a strictly

need-to-know basis, and I had but a low-level security clearance.

If an invasion were planned by Jeanne, I’d know about it when the

bombs began to fall, and not a moment before.

Jeanne’s body language told me a fair amount though. I had

no experience in being a submissive, but I did have experience with

lovers. You can tell when someone is being truly intimate, whether

they’re drowning you in kisses or tanning your behind. There was

something there with Jeanne. But to give her interest in me some

scale, I had to know if she was the same way with others, particularly

Adele. But questions about Adele were strictly verboten.

Several days after my last visit to Jeanne’s, I ran into Adele

on campus. I’d been trying to steer clear of the studio buildings

and other areas where art students could be found. Ever since Adele

tried to get me to disappear from Jeanne’s life, I sought to avoid a

confrontation. I didn’t know where she’d been over the past week,

• 53 •

lesley Gowan

but I could only guess she knew I’d been visiting Jeanne. Mrs.

Kirchberger probably told her. As I was leaving campus after my

afternoon class, I saw Adele running toward me, looking like she’d

tackle me if I tried any evasive maneuvers. She stopped in front

of me and grabbed my arm, pulling me off the sidewalk toward a

nearby bench.

“I thought we agreed you wouldn’t see Jeanne anymore,” she

said. She was pissed off.

“We did not agree.” I was a little pissed off too.

Adele looked incredulous. I shook her hand off my arm and

stepped back, taking note of the wild look in her eye.

“Adele, I don’t want to fight with you about a woman. Can we

talk about this calmly?”

“This woman, as you call her, is the person I live with. My

significant other, as you might say. I can’t believe you’ve just

swooped in and tried to steal her from me.”

I sat on the bench and tried to count to ten. It was one of the

very small handful of things my mother taught me to do. Restraint of

pen and tongue she’d say. I’d had very little restraint of tongue over

the past week. In fact, my tongue was very sore. But I was tempted

to get into it with Adele, which probably wasn’t a good idea. Part of

me understood her desire to protect what she thought she had, but

most of me just disliked her for it. She was complicating things.

“Here’s what I don’t get,” I said. She remained standing, glaring

down at me. “You’re acting right now like you and Jeanne are the

everyday sort of girlfriends who obey the rules of monogamy and

expect everyone else to respect you as a couple. Yet you were the

one who served me up on a platter to Jeanne. It doesn’t appear that

either of you are monogamous. I was there when Pat fucked you

silly, remember?”

“That was for Jeanne. It wasn’t my choice.”

“But you clearly enjoyed it. You’re being hypocritical.”

Adele slashed her arm through the air in frustration. “You don’t

understand anything.”

“Tell me, then. What am I not getting? I’m not suggesting you

stop seeing Jeanne. Why would you suggest I do?”

• 54 •

The ColleCTors

“Because you’re the first woman I’ve seen her with who is

taking her further away from me. The other ones didn’t matter. I

told you that.”

Like before, this news sent a thrill through me. If Adele meant

this to motivate me to take some kind of high road and exit the

scene, she was just shooting herself in the foot. Every hint that

Jeanne cared for me made me more determined to be with her in

any way I could.

I stood and looked Adele in the eye with as much compassion

as I could muster. “I don’t know what to do in this situation, Adele,

I really don’t. I’m not going to lie to you. I intend to spend time

with Jeanne if it’s what she wishes. I think it’s unfair to blame your

relationship problems on me. Surely if Jeanne is feeling more distant

than before it’s something between the two of you. Something for

you to try to work out together.”

“Yeah, I’ll make an appointment for couples counseling

ASAP.”

I could tell this was a joke, but laughing didn’t seem appropriate.

“There’s a lot you don’t know,” Adele said, “so I’m trying to

cut you some slack. In our world there are different ways of having

relationships. A dominant may have sex with many women, but

most dominants eventually take one woman as her Primary. That’s

primary with a capital P. It’s a formal relationship, sealed with ritual

and ceremony.”

“It sounds like S&M Freemasons. I’ve never heard of such a

thing.”

“Of course you haven’t. We’re a private organization. Hasn’t

Jeanne told you about it?”

“Not a word.”

“Maybe you’re not as close to her as you think. She’s the head

of the Society.”

That stung. Why hadn’t Jeanne said anything?

“Are you Jeanne’s Primary?” I asked. I felt like I’d been

dropped into a science fiction novel, where everything was just

familiar enough to be understandable but different enough to know

you were in another world.

• 55 •

lesley Gowan

“Not yet. But when she asked me to move into the garden

apartment I knew she was planning it.”

“Knew? Or hoped?”

Adele’s eyes flared. “You are a selfish, horrible bitch. I’m

warning you to stay out of our life.” Adele was getting right in my

face.“You’re warning me?” I slapped away the finger she was

holding up at me.

“I’m warning you. And there’s a world of trouble for you if you

don’t get the fuck away.”

She strode away and I could feel adrenaline rush through

me, a delayed reaction to the confrontation. I wished I could talk

to someone. Someone who knew about the Primaries, who knew

Jeanne, knew what was normal and what wasn’t, if normal even

existed. I didn’t have a guidebook. Maybe I was pissing off more

people than just Adele. Maybe I was in for some real trouble.

And maybe I didn’t care, as long as I could still see Jeanne.

❖

It was another five days before Jeanne called me. There was a

Friday night opening at a gallery exhibiting the paintings of an artist

Jeanne admired and she wanted me with her. I was to be ready at six

the following evening.

I agreed, because it did not occur to me not to. I wondered what

would happen if Jeanne wanted me to do something I could not or

would not do. Surely, she would find my limits. Or perhaps I would

find hers first.

She picked me up in her Saab and we headed to the gallery

district. Given how many times both of us had been in these galleries,

it was surprising we had not met before. When we walked in, the

gallery was already filled with the sorts of people who come to these

things—the crowd from the offices downtown, moving from one

gallery to the next, filling up on the free wine and cheese these First

Friday openings always had; the older and very rich patrons of the

arts who sit on boards, prop up galleries, and keep an eye out for

• 56 •

The ColleCTors

new talent; the artists, half of whom were contemptuous of the work

on display, the other half simply jealous; and the friends and family

of the exhibiting artist. Looking about at all of them made me think

about how there are social rules and regulations within all sorts of

groups of people. Why wouldn’t there be in the BDSM world also?

My only problem was not knowing what they were. It galled me that

Adele had important experience and knowledge that I didn’t have.

Jeanne steered us to the wine and then began telling me about

the artist, a woman named Danielle Prine. We stood in front of a

canvas—a huge 5'×4' super realist rendering of a woman next to a

house. The house was tiny and the woman was huge, as in Gulliver’s

Travels huge. She had a pained expression on her face as she looked

down at the house. A tiny man seemed to be holding the door open

for her and tapping his watch, as if he were annoyed with her for

being late.

“She likes to tell a story with her paintings, and I always enjoy

that,” Jeanne said. “But what’s even more amusing is listening to

people looking at her work and coming up with sometimes ludicrous

interpretations of what she intended.”

“Such as?”

“This piece was in Danni’s thesis show and I heard someone

say she thought the artist was married to a man with a very small

penis.”

“Ah.”

“Naturally, everything consequently looks small to her.”

“The artist, Danni? Is she married?”

“No, that’s the funny part. She’s old school lesbian feminist,

even though she’s only thirty or so. She was a classmate of Adele’s

last year. I think they were friends. I’m not sure.”

I sipped my wine and stole a look at Jeanne as we moved along

one wall of the gallery. I wondered if I should tell her about the

warning from Adele, but something told me not to. My mother’s

advice, I suppose. Don’t say anything if you think it’s possible it

will make things worse. In this case, I just didn’t know.

I linked my arm through hers and I could feel her squeezing me

closer. I tried a different approach.

• 57 •

lesley Gowan

“If she’s old school lesbian feminist, and I don’t want to

stereotype here, she probably didn’t respond to Adele’s overture to

bring her home to you.”

“I don’t think Adele even tried.”

“Does she have a labrys tattooed on her neck or something?

Why would Adele approach me and not Danni?”

Jeanne looked amused. “You sound defensive, Laura. What are

you worried about?”

“I don’t know exactly. I’m just wondering if I have some look

that says, ‘spank me.’”

“Listen, you have to get over the idea being submissive puts

you in some kind of down position. It doesn’t. And if you think only

certain people like what you like, you’re wrong. All kinds do. I’ve

tied up plenty of feminists. Hell, I’m a feminist. Aren’t you?”

I wanted more of exactly this kind of conversation, but it was

cut short, as usual. A tall woman in leggings, a purple tunic, and

beat-up Frye boots walked up to us and gave Jeanne a kiss on the

cheek.

“Danni, this is my date, Laura. Laura, this is the artist, Danni

Prine.”

Danni shook my hand vigorously and then told Jeanne she

was a lucky woman. I liked that. I liked Jeanne calling me her date.

Danni looped her arms through ours and pulled us off to a corner.

“I need a five-minute break from talking about my paintings,”

she said. “My jaw aches from having to smile so much.”

“You and your high-class problems,” Jeanne said.

“Yes, thanks to you.” Danni looked at Jeanne with affection

and turned to me. “Did you know Jeanne made all of this possible?”

“What are you talking about?” I asked. Jeanne looked down at

her shoes, obviously uncomfortable.

“She introduced herself at my MFA show and provided me the

means to work for a year to prepare this show. She paved the way

for me to get into this gallery. She’s my patron, my Medici.”

Jeanne took the opportunity to walk away and start talking

to a man she knew nearby, which made Danni laugh. I was

dumbstruck.

• 58 •

The ColleCTors

“She hates hearing people say nice things about her,” Danni

said. “But she’s an unusual and generous person. She’s been a

patron to quite a few artists who she found promising and needed

some help.”

“It’s wonderful,” I said. And I meant it. “It’s impossible for

most artists to support themselves in the States. Jeanne tells me you

were in graduate school with a friend of mine, Adele.”

“Yeah, I haven’t seen Adele for quite a while, but she’s another

one who gets some help from Jeanne. And she needed it bad. I think

when Jeanne came across her she was getting evicted from her

apartment and thrown out of school for nonpayment.”

“Is that right?”

“Adele told me Jeanne paid for the rest of her grad school

tuition and gave her a place to live. She’s amazing.”

Danni got dragged away by the gallery owner and I went to

find Jeanne, who’d drifted away. I saw her in the farthest corner

from me, with Adele, which shouldn’t have been a surprise. Why

wouldn’t she be here? I had a bad feeling. The generosity Jeanne

showed Adele could only mean she would give Adele whatever she

wanted. And Adele wanted me gone.

I stood frozen where I was, streams of people walking around

me like I was a post. It looked like Adele was raising her voice. I

couldn’t imagine yelling at Jeanne was a good tactic to use, so I

rooted for Adele to completely lose it. I hoped she’d make a big,

awkward scene in the gallery and thoroughly disgust Jeanne. But

before Adele had a chance to ratchet up the histrionics, Jeanne

walked away. I saw her scanning the room, looking for me, so I

waved my hand and walked toward her. She scooped me up and we

were out the door in a flash.

“What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

Jeanne looked annoyed, but I didn’t think with me. She was

striding toward the parking garage a block from the gallery. I was a

little annoyed to get the silent treatment.

“Listen, I know you don’t want me to ask about Adele, but it’s

kind of hard not to when I see you guys have an argument in a public

place.”

• 59 •

lesley Gowan

“That wasn’t an argument. It was Adele spouting nonsense and

me walking away.”

“What kind of nonsense. Was it about me?”

I skipped a few steps to try to catch up with her and saw a scowl

on her face. I was pretty sure that one was for me. She remained

silent while the car was brought around for us, but once we were on

our way she took my hand.

“I know I’ve not talked to you about much of anything other

than art.”

“And how good I look tied up.” I was trying for a light tone.

“And you do look gorgeous. But in terms of what it means

to me, what it means to you, anything about how we are all in

relation to one another? Not only am I terrible at talking about

those things, but I also have a stubborn belief the women I have

sex with should work out their conflicts among themselves. So far

that seems to have worked. Adele has just informed me it’s not

working for her.”

I looked at her like she was a foreign species. Or a man. “Are

you kidding me? I have to side with Adele on this one. I mean,

maybe if you were a sultan, or the Queen of Sheba, you might expect

your, uh, harem to fall into line according to your whims. But this is

the twenty-first century here.”

Jeanne pulled over and turned off the car. “Adele has refused

to fall in line about anything, and that’s the last I’ll say about her.

You have not been instructed yet, so I can’t expect you to know

what to do and what not to do. That’s fine, because we’re getting

to know each other. And you don’t need to know anything else

at this point. But you should know at least this. If we are to have

something ongoing, something you’d call a ‘relationship,’ it will not

be anything like a relationship such as you’ve always defined it. You

will operate in my world, and in my world I am like a sultan or the

Queen of Sheba. You can reject the idea right now and I’ll take you

home. No hard feelings. Or you can come home with me. I would

like to be with you tonight.”

I didn’t say a thing. I didn’t use the time to consider options,

for I didn’t think there were any if I wanted to be with Jeanne, as I

• 60 •

The ColleCTors

desperately did. I was silent simply to take in all the new information.

She’d never revealed so much before.

“I’d be sad if you left, Laura. You do mean a lot to me.”

“I’m not going anywhere, except to your house,” I said.

Half an hour later we were in the study, on the sofa, me naked

and laying over her lap, my butt in the air. This seemed to be a

favorite position of hers. After spanking me for an eternity and a

half, Jeanne parted the lips of my pussy and the cheeks of my ass

and she put fingers and her thumb in both holes and fucked me

for another forever. I could feel her focus on me, her patience. I

came again and again. Then she had me lay full out on the sofa

and she rubbed herself against my thigh, holding herself up by

her arms and staring down at me, commanding me to stare back

at her. If this wasn’t the beginning of a relationship as I’d always

understood relationships, it was already a lot more intense than

any “real relationship” I’d ever had. I was willing to see what her

version looked like.

Jeanne had me sleep over, in her bed, a first which furthered my

confusion. We looked at an art book together and drank chamomile

tea. When I woke in the morning she was kissing my breasts,

fingering me, making me come before I’d opened both eyes. Then

she hovered over my face, bracing herself on the headboard, and

rode herself on my tongue to the loudest orgasm I’d heard from her.

She actually shouted.

I got back to my apartment before noon on Saturday. When I

unlocked the door to the building’s foyer I saw an envelope had been

left for me on the table, probably placed there by another tenant who

found it shoved under the door. I could see it was from Adele and I

knew without a doubt I wouldn’t be able to do whatever the letter

asked me to do. I couldn’t leave Jeanne. I was falling in love with

her. Or whatever the equivalent of being in love was in Jeanne’s

world. I opened the envelope and saw a drawing. One thing I can

say about Adele is she’s an excellent draftsman. There were two

figures, one was a very good likeness of me, another of Adele, and

we were both naked. The life drawing studio time had clearly paid

off for her. I don’t know if Adele was uncertain about her skills or

• 61 •

lesley Gowan

what, but each of us was wearing a collar. One said “Adele” and

the other said “Laura,” as if one wouldn’t know who was who

simply by looking. But in addition to identifying us, the collars

also showed we were submissives, and in that way identical. And

I couldn’t deny that was true. The drawing showed me stabbing

Adele in the back with a monstrously large kitchen knife, which

was a little over the top. I’m not a back stabber. I’m just a woman

who knows what she wants.

❖

I devoted the rest of the afternoon to work. I unplugged my

Internet router and hid the SIM card from my phone. I couldn’t trust

myself to not check my messages every two minutes to see if Jeanne

was trying to contact me. It was getting ridiculous how much time

I was spending on sex—thinking about it, having it, planning for it,

recovering from it. I barely had time to eat, let alone write a book-

length monograph on an inscrutable artist.

I slogged through a few hours of writing before going out for

coffee and a bite to eat. I gave way to my thoughts of Jeanne as I

walked. I missed her. I wanted her every minute I thought of her.

And I thought of her every minute. When I sat at the table in my

favorite diner, I pulled Adele’s drawing out of my bag, trying to

figure out the proper response to it, knowing the idea of leaving

Jeanne was out of the question. I didn’t feel threatened by the

drawing. After all, it showed me stabbing Adele, not the other way

around. But clearly she was saying she hated me for betraying her,

and this is where I thought she was being dramatic. Didn’t you have

to have some kind of relationship with a person before you could

betray her? Strangers did not have the kind of trust with each other

that is broken by betrayal. I’d had coffee with Adele four or five

times. Whatever she felt I’d done to her, it didn’t rise to the level of

betrayal, of stabbing someone in the back. It didn’t seem Adele had

a very strong hold on Jeanne, who was her patron, after all. A patron

with benefits, it’s true, but not her partner, her lover, her significant

other. Not as I understood those terms.

• 62 •

The ColleCTors

A shadow fell over the drawing and I looked up to see Pat

standing by my table. Her friendly expression darkened when she

saw the drawing. We looked at each other.

“Were you stopping by to say hello?” I asked.

“Yes.” She looked at the other chair and started to pull it out.

“May I?”

I got a good look at her as she sat down, something I didn’t do

the night she had demonstration sex with Adele. I’d been in such a

daze then I could hardly focus when she walked me to the door. I

saw a woman who looked even younger than the handsome butch

fucking the daylights out of Adele.

“What the hell is that?” she said, pointing at the drawing.

I pushed it over to her. “I wasn’t going to show this to anyone,

but since you asked…”

Pat studied it for a minute. “It’s you and Adele.”

“Yep. Adele drew it. She’s quite good, isn’t she? She left it for

me at my home, shoved under the door in an envelope.”

A server came by and Pat ordered coffee. She took the drawing,

folded it, and put it in her pocket.

“What are you doing?”

“This needs to be seen by people a few pay grades above us.”

“It does?” I was confused, which was beginning to feel like a

normal state of mind. “Are you giving it to the police? I don’t intend

to stab Adele in the back. You do know that, don’t you?”

Pat smiled. “I know. But Adele clearly feels she’s been wronged

and she’s pretty upset about it. I just want to make sure you’re safe.”

I stared at Pat for a moment. “I’m getting a little sick of

not understanding anything. I understand what Jeanne and I do

together; I understand the scene you and Adele performed. You

know what I don’t understand? The Byzantine rules you all seem to

have. Submissives aren’t supposed to talk to dominants about their

issues. Dominants may have Primaries. There are ‘Pay Grades’

above mine—”

“Not pay grades,” Pat interrupted. “I just meant letting the

women who keep an eye on these things know about Adele’s state

of mind.”

• 63 •

lesley Gowan

I shook my head in bewilderment. “This is what I mean. It’s

one mystery after another. What women? What do they keep any

eye on?”

“Well, it’s hard to explain…”

“Don’t even try.” I gathered my things to go.

“Wait.” She reached over and grabbed my forearm. There was

a little weight to her grip. She wasn’t asking me to stay; she was

telling me to.

“I’m not at liberty to explain things to you. That will come

with time and at Jeanne’s direction. Adele should not have told you

anything about primaries, or anything else.”

“You seem like a nice person, Pat. And Jeanne? I’m already a

little in love with her. But I’m feeling unnerved by all this. I don’t

think I’m interested in learning about it.”

Pat kept her hand on my arm and pulled her phone out of the

back pocket of her jeans. She hit a speed dial number.

“Jeanne, it’s Pat. I’m at a restaurant with Laura—ran into her

here. You don’t mind if I go home with her, do you?”

I was slammed with several strong and competing feelings on

hearing this. First was the shock of hearing myself spoken of as if

I were property to be passed among friends. Pat could have been

asking to borrow Jeanne’s bicycle, from the sound of it. Then I was

hurt because Jeanne didn’t care whether Pat had sex with me. But the

feeling that rolled over the other two like a fireball was lust. I became

almost instantly turned on by the idea of the boyish Pat taking me to

my house and having her way with me. Perhaps rules wouldn’t be a

bad thing for me, for I seemed to be completely out of control.

Pat handed the phone to me. Jeanne’s voice sounded velvety.

“Do you want to please me?”

“Always.”

“Then go do what Pat wants you to do. It will make me happy

over the next hour to know you are with her. To imagine what she’s

doing to you.”

“All right. But when will I see you again?”

There was a pause. “You’ll hear from me,” she said and hung

up.

• 64 •

The ColleCTors

Pat paid my check and we took the short walk back to my place.

She didn’t chat and I didn’t try to engage her. It seemed we had a job

to do and we just needed to get to it. In my apartment she had me

stand in the middle of the bedroom while she took off all my clothes.

She walked around me and took a long look, stopping only to put

my hands together behind my back and move my legs a little further

apart than they were. She finally stopped in front of me.

“Where do you keep your stockings?”

“Stockings?”

“Pantyhose, that sort of thing.”

“I don’t wear pantyhose,” I said.

Pat frowned.

“But I have tights! Will they work?”

“Where are they?”

I started to move toward my dresser, but Pat stopped me with

a hand to my chest.

“Did I say you could move?”

I hesitated. She grabbed a nipple and twisted. I was so surprised,

I shrieked.

“I asked you a question.” Pat was looking a little fierce and I

felt alarmed. But once again, with the fear came the excitement. She

still had hold of my nipple and the feeling shot down between my

legs.

“I’m sorry,” I said. I cast my eyes downward, thinking that was

the right thing to do.

“Look at me,” Pat said, taking me by the chin. “You don’t move

unless I tell you to. You don’t speak unless I tell you to. But if I tell

you to do either, you’d better be quick. Do you understand?”

I nodded and looked at her.

“Asking you a question is telling you to speak. What is so hard

about that?”

Now she had my other nipple. She twisted it like she was

opening a safe.

“I understand.”

“Good. Now, where are your tights?”

“Top left drawer of the dresser.”

• 65 •

lesley Gowan

She rummaged around for a bit before returning with several

pairs of tights, mostly black, but there were also the funky white

ones with black skulls like polka dots all over them. Pat took me by

the elbow and brought me over to my bed. Within what seemed like

seconds she had me tied to the four corners of the bed frame so I

was facing down, on my knees, my ass pointing toward the ceiling.

My poor ass. It was still marked from my last session with Jeanne.

I heard Pat remove her belt. It was the exact sound I’d heard in

my first fantasy about Jeanne.

“I’m giving you ten with my belt. I want you to call out each

one.”I counted to ten, thinking at first it was not the kind of counting

my mother had coached me to do. I quickly realized that thoughts of

my mother were the last thing I wanted in this situation. By the third

strike I was focused completely on the simplest of elements—the

sound of the belt hitting my ass, the shock of pain that followed,

the effort to not scream but instead to bark out a number, the

concentration it took to remember what number I was on. At one

point I skipped a number, so Pat added it and two more to the total.

When it was over, I heard Pat unzip her pants. I was resting my

forehead on the sheets, hoping whatever Pat had in mind somehow

involved my pussy. It was desperate for attention. When she moved

in front of me on the bed, I knew it only involved hers. So I put

my lips to her, sank my tongue into her, did my best to make her

noisy. She came within a few minutes and I could tell quite clearly

how much she enjoyed it. I forgot about the overwhelming desire

to have my clit touched. I wanted only to give her pleasure, a way

of thinking so new to me, so unanticipated when I entered this life.

The desire to please, to serve, was stronger than the desire to be

pleased. I wanted both, but I hadn’t known beforehand I would find

true pleasure in simply giving pleasure, particularly when it was

ordered of me.

Pat untied me and lay beside me for a few minutes.

“I know Jeanne is into you,” she said. “She’s talked about you

with me and some of the others. That may be a first for her.”

I didn’t speak, but I was thrilled.

• 66 •

The ColleCTors

“A dominant is allowed to have sex with any submissive who

has willingly entered our society,” she said.

She put a finger across my lips when she heard me about to

speak.

“Adele has broken a rule by expressing displeasure to Jeanne

about your role in Jeanne’s life, and now by sending you this

drawing, trying to get you to do something against Jeanne’s wishes.

Jeanne will take care of the situation.”

I felt a little sorry for Adele. I assumed she would be punished

or exiled in some way. Probably exiled. It’s hard to punish people

who just get off on the punishment.

I raised my hand as if I were in school. Pat smiled.

“You can ask a question.”

“I don’t understand what this society is. Is there a clubhouse?

A Web site?”

Pat laughed. “A clubhouse isn’t a bad idea, but we don’t have

one. Just think of it as an organized society of like-minded people.

I’m pretty sure you’ll become a member yourself.”

I lay there quietly. There were a thousand questions to ask, but

now I didn’t feel like asking them. I was content to have things

revealed to me bit by bit. It kept me off-balance, a feeling I was

growing to relish. It felt exciting. Like an adventure.

Pat kissed my forehead and left, and I slept the rest of the

afternoon.

❖

Jeanne summoned me to her home the following night. I was

curious to see her after my experience with Pat. I wondered if I

would find Jeanne somehow different, perhaps less of a magnet for

me now that I knew I could enjoy what another dominant did to

me. This gave me more power, for I’d be less dependent on Jeanne

to satisfy my needs. But I didn’t want more power with Jeanne. I

wanted even less.

Mrs. Kirchberger answered the door and led me downstairs.

I was perfectly clean, groomed, and dressed for the occasion, but

• 67 •

lesley Gowan

this ritual of preparing myself in her home was part of the whole

gestalt. Without it, my experience felt less than—less satisfying,

less spiritual.

When Mrs. K. let me into the garden apartment I wondered if

Adele had to leave each time Jeanne had me over. Maybe the thing

Adele was pissed about was being uprooted so often. I did feel bad

about that, though I had no solution to the problem.

As I walked toward the bathroom I passed Adele’s bedroom.

The door was closed. This was awkward. I didn’t want to see Adele,

but I also didn’t want her walking in on me when I was giving

myself an enema. Along with counting to ten to avoid unnecessary

confrontations, my mother taught me to face head-on the situations

that couldn’t be avoided. They usually proved to be less awful than

I’d feared. I knocked on Adele’s door, meaning to let her know I was

there and talk to her if she insisted. There was no answer. I knocked

again before opening the door and sticking my head in. The first

thing I noticed in the pristine room was the missing stuffed animal

on the bed. The photos on the nightstand were also gone. I stepped

to the closet and found it empty. The dresser also. She was gone.

She’d been exiled. I had a flash vision of a bleak Siberian camp for

wayward submissives. Surely, this society wasn’t as severe as that.

When I’d finished my preparations, I opened the door to the

hallway to find Mrs. Kirchberger waiting. She locked the door

behind me and led me upstairs. I tried to start a conversation with

her, again.

“Has Adele moved out?” I was climbing the stairs behind her,

her sturdy shoes making a clomping noise. She did not reply.

“Look, Mrs. K., I realize you don’t like me. Maybe it has

something to do with Adele. But I swear I had nothing to do with

her losing her place here. You must realize I don’t have any pull

with Jeanne.”

Mrs. K. cast a skeptical look back at me. It was far more

expressive than anything I’d seen before.

“Honestly. I’ll tell Jeanne right now that I mean no harm to

Adele and don’t want to see her lose what she has. But I don’t think

it will work, do you?”

• 68 •

The ColleCTors

She forged ahead, completely ignoring me. As she showed me

into the study, she avoided my eyes. I am done with this, I thought.

If she hates me, then I officially hate her. No more sucking up to

Mrs. Kirchberger.

The study was empty. I curled up on the sofa and brooded about

Mrs. K. and Adele. After about half an hour Jeanne swept into the

room from the hallway, two DVDs in her hand.

“It’s movie night, my dear.” She joined me on the sofa. “In

honor of our upcoming trip to Paris, we’re going to see a Truffaut

double header tonight.” She looked mischievous.

“Trip to Paris?”

“As soon as you can break away for a few days from those

undergraduates of yours, I thought we’d fly to Paris and track down

some Balthus.”

Given how calm and contained Jeanne normally kept herself,

she looked very excited about her news. She was watching me

closely, waiting for me to say something.

“Really?”

“Yes, really. Just you and me and Paris and all the art you can

possibly take in. And maybe some other things as well.”

“What kind of things?”

“Let’s just say I have friends in Paris. And I think you’ll like a

little French style dominance.”

I took her hand and leaned in to kiss her.

“Thank you. I feel like squealing and jumping up and down,

but I’m trying to act with some dignity.”

Jeanne was grinning and then suddenly was not. “Dignity is a

luxury for you. I intend to strip you of it as often as possible.”

Here was the lightning-fast change in tone that played with my

head so deliciously.

“While I’m in the other room getting some things, I want you

to get naked and stand right here,” she said, pointing to the area in

front of the sofa. Within a minute or two she was back, carrying

enough rope to secure a small naval fleet. With stunning expertise,

Jeanne wrapped the ropes around me until I was hog-tied on the

floor. My arms and legs were lashed together behind my back, my

• 69 •

lesley Gowan

breasts were bulging out of the rope wrapped around their base, and

my head was held in place by my ponytail being tied by another

rope to my ankles. Jeanne moved me around so my face was pointed

toward the TV and then she settled in to watch The 400 Blows and

Jules et Jim. She rested her legs on my ass and I could hear her

drinking something on the rocks and munching on something.

I loved every minute of the discomfort. As the hours went

by and the stiffness in my joints and chaffing of the rope grew

exponentially worse, I loved it more. When Jeanne moved her foot

between my legs she found me wet. When she unbound me after

the second movie was over, she found me wetter still. I found I

could barely move, but somehow I got onto my knees, draped over

the ottoman, and I came instantly when she put on her harness and

fucked me. Then I came again. I listened to her breathing and could

tell she was close to coming herself, but she took a long time before

crying out. And still I was wet.

We lay still for a long time, Jeanne draped over me, me draped

over the ottoman, and I felt an intense closeness. I couldn’t be

making it up. But soon she got up and told me to dress and leave

her. She wouldn’t look at me when she gave the order. I think she

wanted me to stay.

I was at the door to the study when I thought to follow up on

my thoughts from earlier in the evening.

“Jeanne, do you know why Mrs. Kirchberger hates me?”

“Hates you? She doesn’t hate you.”

“Oh, yes, she does. I’ve never been treated as rudely by anyone.

She’s never once said hello or even replied to anything I’ve said to

her.”

“Of course not. She’s mute.”

“Excuse me?”

“Mute. She can’t talk. She had some rare mouth cancer when

she was quite young. Most of her tongue is gone.”

I stood there stock-still. It didn’t seem quite right to be glad

Mrs. Kirchberger didn’t have a tongue, but I was very relieved it

was nothing personal.

• 70 •

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“I find it unbelievable that no one has mentioned this to me,” I

said. “It doesn’t seem fair.”

Jeanne shrugged. “It doesn’t seem fair she can’t talk, but there

you go. I’m not going to make it worse by making a big deal about

it.”

I opened my mouth to ask more questions about Mrs. K., but

Jeanne interrupted.

“You’ve had your question for the day, Laura. Now go on

home. Think about Paris.”

There was no point in arguing. The car was waiting out front

for me and I was glad to slip into the comfortable backseat. My body

ached. It ached from being tied up for so long, and it ached because I

still wanted more from Jeanne. I was insatiable. I was curious about

her and the people around her, and the curiosity made me ask her

questions, which I knew she didn’t like. But it would be no hardship

to give up the questions. The only thing I needed from her was her

complete command over me, her willingness to go the distance it

took to make me feel without a will of my own. That set off in me a

feeling of freedom I’d never even thought of when I read all of those

books of mine. And now there was no going back. I would never

turn away from it, no matter what the cost.

• 71 •

• 72 •

The ColleCTors

ChapTer five—paris

As a potentially professional person in the art world, it is

practically a requirement I love Paris. Or at least the idea

of Paris. I’d been to the city just once before, through a college

program my junior year. The trip cemented my decision to make my

living in art, to study and celebrate it the rest of my life. There was

hardly a better city to immerse myself in, hardly a better city for a

twenty-year-old to feel bursting with life.

But during this trip at twenty-seven, I felt I actually would burst.

I was eager to return to Paris, of course, but more excited still to be

there with Jeanne. Was she my lover? She certainly had her way

with me, tied up, strapped down, bound in countless contortions.

She did with me as she pleased. Afterward, we talked about art or

politics, if she felt like it, or she would just send me away when

she’d had her fill. It looked from the outside like a completely one-

way relationship. Yet, I’d never felt so happy and free. She was my

lover, certainly. She was my captor and my liberator as well.

There were other perks with having a rich woman dominate

me and my life. We flew first class Air France to Paris, rode by

stretch limousine into the city, and checked into the Ritz. I wondered

if Jeanne would arrange for the Louvre to be closed for a day so

we wouldn’t be bothered by tourists. Nothing she did surprised me

because everything she did surprised me. I was officially numb to

surprise.

• 73 •

lesley Gowan

The only cloud on my sunny existence was not knowing what

I should or should not share with Jeanne, given that she made all

the rules but only told me some of them. For instance, do I tell her

Adele had been threatening me if I didn’t stop seeing Jeanne? Jeanne

had made it clear she didn’t want to hear of any fighting among

the women she has sex with. I thought maybe our time together in

Paris would help me decide what, if anything, to say to her, without

worrying whether Adele would do something crazy. It was unlikely

she would be stalking me here.

At five in the afternoon on the day of our arrival, Jeanne was

on the phone in our room, chattering away in French. My French

was very poor, but I understood the words, “what time,” and “how

many,” which exhausted my vocabulary, unless she were to ask

“Where is the WC,” which she certainly would not. When she

hung up, she clapped her hands together as if she’d just closed a

big deal.

“That’s all set then.” She looked over to where I was tied up

at the foot of the bed. We’d inaugurated the bedroom upon arrival

a few hours earlier, and this is where she’d put me for my nap. I

was having a hard time waking up. Jeanne seemed full of energy,

and I wondered again at the twenty year difference in our ages. She

seemed inexhaustible, while I felt continually sleep deprived.

Over a late night dinner Jeanne shared her thoughts on what we

should see the next day, including a few visits to gallery owners she

knew. Then she told me about the following night’s plans.

“It’s no surprise to you, I’m sure, that I’ve become friends over

the years with dominants here in Paris. Half of them are gallery

owners I’ve met while buying and selling. The art world is full of

our people, which is one of the reasons I know you’ll fit right in.”

I smiled wanly. Here I was, part of yet another demographic—

art-loving dominants and submissives. I knew where Jeanne was

headed with her talk of the Paris members of her tribe, but I wasn’t

sure how I felt about it. In all honesty, French people seemed off-

putting enough to scare me a little. And beautiful French women

who were practicing dominants? The idea of a group scene with

them was alarming.

• 74 •

The ColleCTors

“My friend, Natalie, has a place not far from the hotel, very

nice, where there are occasional gatherings of women who like to

play. Luckily, we’re here for tomorrow’s soirée. I told her I was very

excited to bring you along. I’m looking forward to showing you

off—you and your amazing beginner’s capabilities.”

“What should I expect?” I said.

Jeanne paused for a moment and sipped her wine. “Do you

really think I’m going to answer that?” She smiled and squeezed my

hand. “I’ll be there with you. You’ll love it.”

The following night at eleven, after a full day of walking the

city and viewing art, talking to artists and gallery owners, and a

shopping spree for some new clothes for me, we arrived at her

friend’s home. It was a half hour walk north from the Ritz and the

Place Vendôme, on the Rue Boudreau, which Jeanne liked because

it was the same as her last name. I was very quiet while we walked,

mincing a bit on my new high heels.

“Is everything all right?” she said. She took my arm and placed

it through hers.

“Yes.”

“That doesn’t sound very convincing.”

“Nervous, I guess.”

Jeanne stopped and turned me toward her.

“I’ve never seen you nervous about anything.”

I didn’t want to hesitate. Part of falling in love with Jeanne was

discovering the pleasure I found in pleasing her. I didn’t have to

second-guess her. If she asked me to do something, it was because it

pleased her in some way for me to do it, and so I did.

“I want to go for you, of course,” I said. “But I’ve never been in

a group situation before. And, you know, they’re French.”

“Meaning?”

“I don’t speak their language. What if I’m told to do something

I don’t understand and they do something I don’t want them to do.

It’s just scary to me.”

Jeanne frowned, but saw I was a little upset. Mostly, I just

wanted to go to bed. The jet lag was making me wobbly. I think my

bottom lip was quivering a little.

• 75 •

lesley Gowan

“There’s nothing to worry about; I promise you,” Jeanne said.

“And just so you know, they all speak English. They just don’t

always let you know that.”

It was the first time I didn’t feel like doing what Jeanne wanted

me to do.

“If it’s all the same to you, then, I’ll just hang out. Not

participate.”

Jeanne started walking again. “Of course. I wouldn’t want you

to be uncomfortable,” she said, and I noted the ironic tone in her

words.

I should have known such generosity on Jeanne’s part was

a double-edged sword. All I felt at the moment was relief. I’d

discovered so much about myself during the weeks I’d been seeing

Jeanne. I’d found in myself a capacity and desire for submission

and pain that surprised me, even though I’d fantasized about it for

years. But I thought my limits might fall short of a group scene with

strangers. Or maybe I was just tired.

We arrived at the building on the Rue Boudreau, an immense

and imposing structure with gray stone, black wrought iron

balconies, black shutters. Lights sprang from many of the windows,

softening the exterior of the building, making it inviting. Jeanne

rang the bell and soon we found ourselves getting off an elevator

directly into an apartment. Apartment seems an inadequate word for

the place. It looked like Versailles to my Midwestern eyes, huge,

sparkling, ornate. It took several minutes for me to take in what I

was seeing, and in that time Jeanne introduced me to Natalie, who

looked remarkably like Jeanne. She kissed me on both cheeks and

took me by the hand down the long gallery-like hallway. Jeanne

walked behind me.

We entered a living room so enormous my jaw dropped. The

price of such a home in Paris, especially this part of Paris, was

incomprehensible to me. There was astounding art and artifacts

everywhere. Unfortunately, my bug-eyed look made me appear

more like a gawking American than ingénue, and this was exactly the

moment all faces in the room were turned toward me. In the center

of the room was a grouping of four large sofas, set in a square, with

• 76 •

The ColleCTors

women sitting on all of them, and more women standing around.

Quite a few exclaimed upon seeing Jeanne and there was much

chatter in French. Somewhere in there I was introduced. My name

was mentioned several times, though in what context I’ll never know.

I always assume the worst, however. I guessed they were talking

about what a moron I looked like. Even though I was wearing a chic

new dress, I felt outclassed. All around me style erupted from every

woman I looked at, whether it be the simple turning up of a sleeve

or the way that a scarf was knotted. It was intimidating.

Jeanne had me by the hand as we joined the others, two of

whom rose to make room for us on a sofa. The gathering appeared

to be a regular party. As I looked around I saw there was no evidence

of any of the accoutrements of bondage and discipline. There were

no women collared and sitting at their mistresses’ feet. Instead, I

saw friendly faces, people coming up to offer me wine, to introduce

themselves and ask where I’m from, all in English. I cast a suspicious

look at Jeanne, who was smiling like a cat with a feather sticking out

of her mouth.

After an hour or so of party talk, I felt completely at ease. I had

a conversation with a woman who knew quite a bit about Balthus

and offered to take me on a tour of the places he’d lived and worked

in Paris. Another woman was an old friend of Jeanne’s, and she told

me a funny story about the first time Jeanne had driven in the city.

Jeanne wasn’t always as smooth and assured as she seemed.

Eventually, I noticed one woman had her eye on me, which

ignited a little charge of excitement. She was standing behind the

sofa opposite me, not paying attention to anyone else. She wore a

black suit of gabardine, a scarf at her open collar, very European

glasses on her sharply featured face. Her haircut was severely

short. I felt a bit like a girl at a school dance being checked out by

a boy from across the gym. I thought I wouldn’t mind it at all if

she asked me to dance, or whatever the much more adventurous

equivalent here would be. I stared back at her, knowing I was

sending her an invitation. Then I looked at Jeanne to see if

she’d seen this exchange. She was talking and laughing with a

young woman sitting next to her, holding her hand and fondling

• 77 •

lesley Gowan

the necklace she wore. Why would I worry or hope that Jeanne

would feel jealousy? She was always one step ahead of me, never

in a vulnerable position. Me making goo-goo eyes at someone

wouldn’t change that.

Soon, small groups began to leave the room and head down

the long hallway. I assumed there was a designated play space at

the other end of the apartment, which, from what I could tell, put

it a mile or so away. I felt a complete change of heart from the

reluctance I felt during our walk to the party. I was curious to see the

action, curious what Jeanne would do with me in front of others, and

really curious what my admirer would be like. Jeanne took me by

the elbow and led me down the hall. I looked at the woman she left

behind on the sofa and was glad to see her turning to someone else.

Apparently, she and Jeanne had not made any plans.

Jeanne did not speak to me, and her grip on my arm was

painful. We finally reached the end of the hallway and walked into a

room similar in size to the living room. I thought it might have been

a ballroom at some point in its history. There were Baroque murals

across the entire ceiling, loaded with angels and clouds. Three

enormous chandeliers hung in a line, casting only muted light on the

room. The dimness was cast off in the four corners of the room by

floor lamps that illuminated groupings of furniture, both domestic

and bondage oriented. Women were settling into the different areas

and I quickly took inventory. A simple library table was in one, straps

attached to each leg. A woman was undressing another in front of

it, while a third pulled a flogger and some cuffs and a collar from a

nearby chest. In another corner was an ottoman, also impressively

simple, and there was already a naked woman being tied to it. A

third corner held a freestanding metal frame where a woman would

be attached by each limb, arms overhead, legs stretched apart, her

body available on both sides. A group was approaching it, one

woman pulling another by a collar.

The last corner had a bed. It looked like someone was going

to sleep in it that night. It was dressed with beautiful linens and

colorful pillows, and there was a nightstand and reading light. This

was the corner Jeanne led me to. We arrived at the same time as three

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The ColleCTors

other women. Jeanne said something to one of them, apparently

offering them first use of the bed, and we settled into the sofa in

front of it. I looked at the women for a moment and was amazed

to see how they now appeared to be either obviously dominant or

submissive, whereas I’d not had a clue while we were socializing

in the living room. Their clothes were the same, but there was a

shift in their bearing that didn’t even seem subtle to me. Two of the

three women were submissive and they stood quietly while Jeanne

and the dominant continued to speak in French. Then the dominant,

whom Jeanne called Aimee, had one of submissives sit on the sofa

with us and took the other to bed.

Over the next half hour I sank further into the furniture as the

activity all around me became louder and more chaotic. In our own

corner, Aimee thoroughly paddled the ass of the submissive she’d

tied to the bed. Then she grabbed a harness and dildo from the toy

chest, turned the woman around, and fucked her for a long time,

causing the woman’s very sore ass to rub against the bed clothing.

Both were strangely quiet during the whole scene, until they cried

out, in tandem, and laughed as they collapsed together.

I wanted in on the action. I knew better than to make the first

move with Jeanne, but I hoped she could tell I was excited by all of

the fidgeting I was doing. She again took my arm and we went to

watch the action at the wooden frame. A woman with bright red hair

was strung up tight. Someone had gagged her with a neon orange

ball gag, which contrasted horribly with her hair. I watched her with

envy, hoping I’d have a turn when they were done with her. There

were women in a semi-circle around the frame, while the top was

directly behind the bound woman, wielding a large, heavy flogger.

The lashes she was laying on the submissive’s back and ass were

a more intense punishment than I’d yet experienced from Jeanne.

The woman screamed through the gag. I looked at all of the women

staring at this tableaux and saw they were transfixed, as was I.

They’d seen this dozens of times, no doubt, and still it had a magic

hold. It was very powerful. Jeanne seemed a little fidgety now, so I

tried to get things moving.

“I’m ready for this.”

• 79 •

lesley Gowan

She turned toward me with an eyebrow lifted.

“Just so you know,” I added.

“It’s of no concern to me whether you are ready or not.”

“Well, then,” I said. “Would it be better if I just let you know

I’m ready for whatever you would like?”

“It would be better if you didn’t speak.” She turned back to the

scene in front of us, and I felt my face burn a little in shame. It was a

little like trying to kiss someone and having her turn away from you,

only a million times worse. It started to dawn on me that Jeanne was

not very happy with me. My admirer from the living room chose

just this moment to approach Jeanne and ask permission to take me

to the library table, which was currently unoccupied. I cast a hopeful

look at Jeanne, thinking she may well want me away from her for a

little while if she was irritated with me.

“Thank you for your request,” I heard Jeanne say in English,

“but Laura will not be joining in the activities tonight. She’s not

feeling quite up to it.”

The woman frowned as she looked at me, no doubt wondering

why I had been flirting with her if I was feeling poorly. She excused

herself to try her luck elsewhere. I looked back at Jeanne and saw

a face carved in stone. I honestly didn’t know whether to be mad at

her, nervous about her, or sorry that I’d upset her. She clearly was

unhappy and I realized having an emotional reaction of any kind

was something I’d not yet seen in her. I wasn’t sure what to make

of it.

There was a break in the activity as the woman in the frame

was released. I tried a lighthearted approach.

“It looks like the frame is free. Perhaps you’d feel better if I

was in it and you had the flogger in your hand.”

No response. Mt. Rushmore. Jeanne walked away from me,

straight over to the woman she’d been cooing with in the living

room, and whispered something to her. The woman nodded,

followed Jeanne to the frame, and then looked right at me while

Jeanne stripped her and tied her to it. My face flamed. I felt everyone

was staring at me, asking who the stupid twat was who’d just come

to observe, who told Jeanne she wouldn’t play, who then started

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flirting with someone else. I became deathly afraid that Jeanne was

furious with me and would send me back to the States and out of

her life.

Before she took the flogger to the woman, she warmed her up

by caressing all parts of her beautiful body. She sucked on her breast,

rubbed her clit, brought her close to orgasm before backing off. The

crowd was reassembling to watch, and I wondered what kind of

reputation Jeanne had among them. Watching her give someone else

the kind of attention I had only known her to give to me was very

hard. As if reading my mind, Jeanne came over to me, pulling a key

card out of her pocket.

“Go back to our suite. Do not talk to anyone on your way out

or on your way back to the hotel. I want you naked and kneeling by

the bed when I return.”

She didn’t look me in the eye when saying this. I took the key

from her.

“I’m so sorry. I don’t know what I did exactly, but I’m very

sorry.” And I was. Despite the unusual dynamics in my relationship

with Jeanne, I still felt we were close and very compatible. As with

all first fights, I was terrified we wouldn’t survive it. I left the party

and caught a cab back to the Ritz.

❖

It was three in the morning when Jeanne returned from the

party. I knew because I was kneeling next to the bed, close to

the alarm clock. The carpet in the Ritz was thick and soft, so my

knees were in much better shape after hours on it than they were

performing the same feat on the hardwood floors back home. Still, it

amazed me I did this at all—kneeling quietly for two hours with no

one policing me, simply because Jeanne told me to do it. Usually, I

would feel a growing excitement as the time passed, but this night

had an element of penance in it. I was on my knees hoping Jeanne

would not be mad at me.

As soon as she entered the bedroom I could smell sex. She

reeked of it. She didn’t acknowledge me but simply walked straight

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into the bathroom. Five minutes later she emerged in a fluffy white

robe, her hair wet, feet bare. She sat on the bed in front of me.

“In the past,” she said. “I’ve had companions to whom I’ve

explained my simple requirements and who took it upon themselves

to unilaterally do or not do something based on their wishes, not on

mine. I immediately eliminated those women from my life.”

“But—”

“Stop. Do not say another word or you will be among them.

As it stands, I’m willing to overlook the fact you announced you

would not be participating in this party, even though I was bringing

you there for that purpose. I will also overlook the fact you made

it even worse by then deciding you would participate, and even

encouraging other partners.”

I bit my tongue. I couldn’t believe she was this upset about

such a little thing. I supposed I was going to get punished now.

“I’m so sorry to not have known your will for me tonight,” I

said. I thought it sounded pretty good. “I know I must be punished

for it.”

Jeanne rolled her eyes and stood.

“Yes, you wish you’d be punished for it. But I’m not going

to give you the pleasure. The punishment is for me to not lay a

hand or instrument on you. To keep you isolated. And perhaps the

punishment also is to make you understand what you’ve gotten

yourself into when I brought you into my life. You seem to think

there’s still a smidgen of will allowed to you. That you can use

your intellect to suss out what my ‘will for you’ is. It’s all far less

complicated than you want to make it. You only have to do exactly

what I say. Nothing more and nothing less. If you can do that, I am

here for you. If you cannot, as in tonight, I will get rid of you. It’s

perfectly simple.”

I was still on my knees. It seemed the right place to be when

being talked down to in every sense of the word. Jeanne took several

sets of stockings from her drawer and bound me wrist to ankle,

pushing me on my side. She tied another stocking around my mouth.

“You will stay like this tonight. Tomorrow you will be tied up

and you’ll stay in the room all day. I’ll decide what you will be

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allowed to do tomorrow night. I’ll cancel the Balthus tour. Perhaps

you’ll spend the time contemplating what the consequences are of

your willfulness.”

The rest of the night seemed very long. My bindings were tight,

and my joints already cramped from my hours on the floor. In the

morning Jeanne got ready for the day at a leisurely pace, and then

spent some time on the phone in the living room. I was still tied up

by the bed, dying to go to the bathroom. She finally allowed me

to do so, allowed me to shower and get something to eat, and then

waited for me by the bedroom window, stockings in hand. There

was a built in bench in the bay window. Jeanne had me kneel over

it, my arms stretched toward the windows in front of me, my wrists

tied to the window hardware My left ankle was tightly secured to

a chair nearby, my right leg left free. Within another minute I felt a

strap go around my waist and through my crotch. Jeanne put a huge

butt plug in me and secured it with the harness so I couldn’t push it

out. It was going to be a long day.

When she left, I counted my blessings. At least I could move

one leg around, which made a big difference. And I didn’t mind not

tromping around the city again today. I might even be able to sleep.

What I hadn’t anticipated was the visitor to the room at two in the

afternoon. A hotel maid came in to clean the room. She untied me

and allowed me to use the toilet before tying me back up. She ran

her hands along my body, tweaking my nipples. She moved the butt

plug around side to side. Then she left. I had no idea if she was a

Ritz employee or a friend of Jeanne’s in costume, but I understood

the importance of the message Jeanne was sending me. It’s her, not

me. It’s others, not me. While we’re together, there is no me.

I was sleeping soundly when Jeanne returned and I didn’t hear

her enter. She knelt behind me and draped herself over me, her arms

on top of my arms, stretched out in front of us. I started awake to see

her face next to mine. I felt her hips move against my ass, rubbing

me side to side, pushing against me into the bench.

“Did you miss me?” she asked.

I thought it pretty clear she missed me, but I was through trying

to be clever or coy.

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“Desperately,” I said.

“Did you have a visitor today?”

My face heated as I remembered the humiliation of being untied

and then tied again by the tiny French maid, a woman I could easily

have overpowered or run from. But I hadn’t. I’d done exactly what

she’d asked me to do, as if it were Jeanne herself asking me to do it.

“Yes.” I looked into Jeanne’s eyes. She looked very happy, and

so my worry lessened. “I was so afraid you wouldn’t come back to

me tonight.”

She looked confused. “Not come back? I thought of you

all day.” She laughed as she leaned forward to untie my arms. “I

thought of how hot this was making you—the waiting, the maid. I

had cocktails with a friend and thought I’d combust.”

She untied my leg and then sat on the window seat as I sat up

and stretched. She started to take her pants off.

“I can’t do anything else until I’ve come.” She slid her things

off and cupped me by the back of the head. “Give me your mouth.”

She pulled my head down to her sex, spreading her legs wide.

She was very wet. I used the tip of my tongue to spread some of

her moisture around, but that wasn’t what she wanted. She put both

hands behind my head and pulled me right into her, my tongue rigid

and working itself against her clit. She started chanting, “yes, yes,

yes, yes,” and I knew she wouldn’t last long. I could feel her limbs

tightening, quivering, and then she came in the most explosive way.

I was shattered—exhausted, achy, uncomfortably in need of both

water and a toilet—but I lay my cheek on her thigh and felt perfectly

contented. Jeanne stroked my hair and my face, her breath slowing.

“God, I needed that,” she said. I was happy to hear her say

anything at all. I still stung from the silence and anger of the night

before.

“You’re not mad at me anymore?”

“No. I’m not even sure I was mad. Scared, maybe. I worried

you wouldn’t be able to be how I need you to be in order for this to

work for us.”

I stopped breathing as my brain tried to process what she said.

It was a whole lot of confession for her.

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“I want to be that person. I think it’s how I need to be. But I’m

new to all this. I make mistakes.”

We were quiet for a little bit and she continued to stroke my

hair.

“What do you say to going out for an unbelievable French meal

and then coming back here?”

Was she asking? No wonder I’m confused all the time.

“I’d say let’s go. I’m starving.”

We went out for one of those dinners in Paris that people talk

about ad nauseam once they return. It was delicious, but we made

short work of it, anxious to get back to the hotel. We took a hot,

sudsy bath together and then settled into the bed.

“Lay across my lap,” Jeanne said. She looked somehow regal

propped up against the headboard in the middle of the bed, her hair

floating onto the snow-white pillows, her face relaxed but her eyes

bright. I was naked after the bath, my skin already pink from the

steamy hot water. It was about to get pinker still. I lay across, resting

my head in my crossed arms, my ass centered on her naked lap. I

held my breath, waiting for the first blow. When it came I was again

shocked by how much it hurt. I was aroused, as I had been all through

dinner, but not yet in the haze of hormones that, in me at least,

deadened the sharpness of pain and made it a more directly erotic

experience. As the blows began to rain down on me sharply, loudly, I

whimpered, not from discomfort but from the vulnerability, the need

for her to continue and the rawness of having her see me like this.

She paused just long enough for me to hear her command.

“Touch yourself. Put your fingers there and make yourself

come.”

She waited while I shifted enough to put my fingers to my clit

and begin to rub.

“Good. Don’t stop until I tell you to.”

I rubbed. She spanked. The countervailing forces were creating

a nuclear reaction in me. I was about to detonate.

“I’m coming!”

“Don’t stop,” she said, now moving her hand between my legs

and entering me. I exploded.

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“Don’t stop.” And she went deep and then came back out and

then teased the spot inside that drives me wild, then went deep

again, all the while with my own hand pumping away. I wanted

more. I usually need to rest between orgasms, but I wanted more and

she gave it to me until I came again.

She pushed me just far enough off her lap that she could get at

herself. My eyes were bleary and I felt drugged, but I was able to

see her pussy rise up to meet her hand and her fingers slip around

her clit. She stared at it with her mouth open, looking as hazy as I

felt, and within a minute she cried out, her hand falling away and

flopping bonelessly to the side. I think if we’d had the energy we

would have started laughing or crying, and I’m not sure which.

The next day we flew home to the States.

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ChapTer six—welCome home

It was late in the evening when the driver left me off at my

apartment building and went on to deliver Jeanne home. I was

exhausted from the trip, but Jeanne had been on the phone the entire

way in from the airport, making arrangements for a video conference

at midnight. Her energy alarmed me, and I vowed to start exercising

or taking amphetamines or something to keep pace with her.

I felt a looseness in the lock on my apartment door and my heart

sped up as the door swung open. Lights were blazing, though I’d

turned every one of them off before leaving town. The living room

was trashed from end to end. I stood in the middle of the room in a

state of shock, my mind a complete blank other than to be thankful

Martha was staying at the cat sitter’s while I was gone. If I’d had

any other thought at all it was to wonder whether I could wait until

morning to clean up the mess. I was so damn tired.

What didn’t occur to me was someone could still be there or

they meant me harm, or even that they’d probably stolen from me. I

was just annoyed by the inconvenience. But the closer I looked the

more I could see that as far as these things go, it wasn’t a terrible

trashing of the place. Whoever had done it had flung everything to

the floor that could be flung. Few of the items were broken. Nothing

had been piled together and pissed upon. The upholstery hadn’t

been slashed apart. It didn’t even look like anything was stolen. My

laptop was on the floor by the desk and perhaps a little worse for

wear, but no one had taken it.

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My bedroom is where I found my anger. I had a wooden chest

where I kept my nearly complete and possibly world-class collection

of lesbian BDSM fiction. Some of the books were very old and

intimate companions of mine. There were volumes in my collection

I’d found in the back shelves of countless used bookstores. Others

I’d won in competitive online auctions, and still others were rare

enough to have required professional book dealers to find. Now they

were all toppled onto the bed, many of their covers ripped off and

the pile covered in blue paint. Paint that had come from a cupboard

in my kitchen, extra from when I’d redone the bathroom. My interest

in my collection had plummeted since meeting Jeanne, but still it

felt heartbreaking to see it destroyed.

It struck me as one of those surreal moments when you can’t

quite believe something’s happened, despite what’s right in front

of you. I had the same feeling the first time Jeanne tied me up. I

couldn’t move, but I almost couldn’t believe it either. Soon a tear

came as the truth sank in and I felt about the death of my collection

the way one would the death of an old friend—one you perhaps

didn’t connect with as much any longer but would always have a

deep fondness for. It was gone. And I couldn’t believe it.

I knew it was Adele who had invaded my home. She was

already mad as hell that I was seeing Jeanne. Maybe hearing I was in

Paris with her put her over the edge. But who would have told her?

I put the cushions back on the sofa and slept there, unwilling to

change the bedsheets in the middle of the night. I was starting to feel

furious, but mostly about the damage. My Marimeko bedspread was

a vintage one from the ‘60s, in perfect shape, but now covered in

paint. And my book collection was an incalculable loss. Did Adele

think she was going to make me quit seeing Jeanne because of this?

All it did was make me swear to punch her in the nose next time I

saw her.

❖

I heard my phone ringing as I climbed the stairs from my sixth

trip to the building Dumpster. The sodden books weighed a ton

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and kept breaking through my cheap plastic garbage bags. I was

miserable. I let the call go into voice mail knowing it was Jeanne.

My social world had grown very small since I started to see her. I

didn’t get many calls these days.

The message said: “I didn’t get much sleep last night, but

still want to see you this evening. Be here at seven for pizza and a

movie—you bring the movie. And, Laura, you don’t have to stop

down at the garden apartment any longer. You know what you’re

doing. I trust you to come prepared.”

I groaned. Coming prepared was thinly veiled code for arriving

prepared to have every passage, every nook and cranny in my body

probed, penetrated, and paddled. Clean, shiny, and smooth was how

I thought of the condition I needed to be in, imagining myself going

through a sort of automatic car wash for submissives. I’d be attached

by the collar to an overhead conveyor, standing in a little car on

a track, and machines would swing into place and lights come on

for each of the stations along the way. Soap, scrub, rinse. Douche.

Enema. Soap, scrub, rinse. Fan dry. Lotion. I would now have to

recreate the elements of this in my miniscule bathroom. But worse

was the idea of picking out a movie at the video store. Hollywood

action films and comedies didn’t seem quite right for a woman who

happily watched four hours of New Wave French Cinema while

using me as a footstool. I pushed the thought aside and went back to

putting my apartment in order. I would do what she asked because

something within me automatically bent to her will. I did what she

asked not to avoid punishment, but because punishment was my

reward for doing so.

At seven o’clock I arrived with five DVDs and my overnight

bag. Two Jane Austens, two American independents, and Das Boot,

because it seemed like a safe bet. I brought the bag because I never

knew if I’d be spending the night or not. One of the last times I was

here I didn’t have a change of clothes, and Jeanne was very amused

watching me leave the house in the morning holding together the

shirt she’d torn from me the night before.

Mrs. Kirchberger answered the door and reached for my bag. I

held on and she gave it another tug toward her. I didn’t want her to

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carry it because I was uncomfortable with the idea of servants doing

things for me. But it was hard to argue with Mrs. Kirchberger. Ever

since Jeanne told me Mrs. K. didn’t have a tongue, it took away my

resistance to her. She yanked my bag from me and turned to lead me

upstairs, and I swore I saw a tiny smile on her lips.

Jeanne was in her study, feet up on the coffee table and watching

CNN, the remote in her hand. She wore gym shorts and a T-shirt,

and I almost didn’t recognize her. She muted the TV and got up to

greet me with a kiss. Mrs. K. stood by, my bag still in her hand.

“Mrs. K., will you drop the bag in my bedroom and then order

the pizza?”

I watched her leave and turned back to Jeanne, who still had me

in her arms. “How does she order pizza? Or do you have a complete

downstairs staff I’ve never seen?”

“No, Mrs. K. is all alone. I sometimes think I should have

someone else here to keep her company, but that’s thinking of

her rather like a cat. She’ll tell me if she’s unhappy. She’s very

straightforward.”

I imagined that was true. It seemed unlikely you’d be anything

but when your modes of communication with your boss were

scribbled notes and nods of the head.

“She has one of the TTY machines downstairs to make phone

calls, and she’s online all the time.”

The secret life of Mrs. Kirchberger. It seemed there were layers

to uncover in the people who lived here, even in the house itself.

The dominatrix in her shorts and T-shirt, the house with its secret

passageways, the silent housekeeper with the huge social network.

Things were not as they seemed, including the world of domination

and submission. At least this slice of it. What I had read about or

fantasized about was a world of 24/7 compliance with the demanding

will of a dominant. I hadn’t taken into consideration that twenty-

four hours was a long time for anyone to be in strict domination

mode. Even someone as energetic as Jeanne might need to put

down the whip and pick up the remote control from time to time.

She might want to use the flat of her hand to caress a cheek rather

than administer a spanking. I’d seen glimpses of this part of Jeanne

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before, but somehow the gym shorts brought her down to earth in a

way nothing else had done before. She looked like a woman to me.

Simply that. And all of that. I wondered if I was falling in love with

more than Jeanne the dominant.

My movies passed muster and we spent a pleasant evening

watching Das Boot (I knew it). The footstool was used as a

footstool.

“I’m glad you planned to spend the night,” Jeanne said when

she clicked off the movie. “I’m exhausted, though. I don’t think

we’ll do anything adventurous tonight.”

“Is that how you think of what we do together?”

“Each and every time. Don’t you?”

“Yes, absolutely. But I’m new. I didn’t know if it became more

of a rote thing with time.”

Jeanne rearranged herself so her legs were across my lap. I

began to massage her feet and I thought I heard her purring.

“If anything in my life begins to feel rote, I hope I still have it in

me to change—either the thing or myself. Having sex with a woman

who places her ultimate trust in me has never felt rote. It’s always

an adventure.” She paused. “And with you it’s been something else.

It’s felt different.”

She looked right at me. I had a hard time holding her gaze.

“Different good or different bad?” I asked, kind of like a five-

year-old.

“Different good.” She sat up. “Come on. Let’s go to bed.”

We went upstairs to the third floor. Jeanne had a massive master

suite up there, and I knew there were a couple other bedrooms as

well. Anything could be in those, I thought. Another play room

filled with equipment. A guest room, I supposed.

“Where does Mrs. Kirchberger sleep?”

“She has the whole attic. I put a bedroom and kitchen and bath

up there. It’s kind of perfect for her.”

I wondered if Adele had slept up here in the master suite and

whether sex with her felt “different good” to Jeanne. I didn’t want

to ruin Jeanne’s mellow mood by bringing up Adele, whether to

ask Jeanne exactly why she’d had Adele move out of the garden

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apartment or to tell her I thought Adele had broken into my place

while we were in Paris. Maybe I’d bring it up later.

We showered and crawled into bed naked. Jeanne pulled out a

catalog for an upcoming New York auction she was attending and

we went through it together until we both felt drowsy. When we

turned out our lights and then turned to each other, Jeanne pulled me

close and tucked her arm under me, her chin on the top of my head.

It was very nice and cuddly, but I hoped this was just temporary.

It was.

When I woke in the morning it was to find Jeanne cuffing my

hands together in front. She didn’t say a word and put her finger

to my lips to command my silence. Then she raised my legs up

and over my head and cuffed my ankles to the posts at the head of

the bed. I was thankful for my yoga classes, for I was bent nearly

double. I was also exposed in the most vulnerable way. I raised

my head and looked between my legs to see Jeanne climbing back

on the bed, on her knees, wearing a harness and rubbing lube on a

dildo. She began to push her way into me—no foreplay, no words

to try to incite me, just her body pushing into me and her hungry

eyes staring down at me. I gasped at the entry. I was already wet,

having an instant reaction to every move Jeanne made on me. She

pushed in further. I gasped again. She went all the way in and stayed

there. Her eyes were not only hungry, but they had a brightness, as

if she were taking what she wanted and was delighted at what she

got. She rubbed herself against the base of the dildo, the motion

causing the base on the other side to rub my clit as well. She pulled

back and did the same. Then again, and again. The thrusting then

became less, the rubbing more, she held her mouth in a tight line

and her legs trembled as she started to come. She tried to maintain

eye contact with me, but as her orgasm swept through her, her head

jerked away and she cried out. She collapsed on me, her weight

heavy on my spread legs. I hadn’t come, surprisingly, but didn’t

care. I was thrilled with the wake-up call and to be back in service.

At breakfast Jeanne said she’d be out of town for a few

days but would contact me at some point about where we’d next

meet. She excused herself while I was still eating and left, kissing

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me on the cheek on her way out of the dining room. I saw Mrs.

Kirchberger shaking her head as she left the room with some empty

plates. Was she clucking her tongue, so to speak? What did she

mean? Was Jeanne on her way to see someone else? The flash of

jealousy terrified me. Remember Adele, I thought. You don’t want

to be like her.

❖

The next call from Jeanne didn’t arrive for a full week. I was

starting to get concerned she was having second thoughts about me.

In the most hopeful scenario making the rounds in my head, Jeanne

was freaking out at how much in love with me she was and decided

to cool things down for a while, unsure whether she was ready for

a serious relationship. Maybe she was nervous I was someone who

might become her Primary. I wasn’t sure yet what a Primary was,

but I knew I wanted to be Jeanne’s Primary. The name alone told

me it was the number one spot, and that sounded pretty good to

me. This best-case scenario concluded with Jeanne realizing she’d

be mad to let me go, moving me immediately into her home, and

proposing to me. I didn’t know whether a dominant proposed in the

traditional sense of the word. I couldn’t picture Jeanne going down

on one knee. It would be more likely I would be on my knees when

she announced I was to become her Primary. The details didn’t

worry me.

The other scenario racing around like a pinball in my brain

was the one I was convinced was the real deal. Jeanne had come to

the conclusion I didn’t have the right stuff, that I might be okay for

playing around with, but I’m not relationship material. Therefore,

calls from her would be far less frequent and our time together far

less intimate. This was a bit like closing the barn door after the horse

has escaped. I couldn’t stuff my feelings for her back into their

initial form, that of a novice simply grateful for any attention from a

dominant. I had feelings for her that went way beyond gratitude. If

she were dumping me, my heart would be broken. I knew this, even

though my heart had never been broken before.

• 93 •

lesley Gowan

As it turned out, the situation was exactly as Jeanne had said.

She was out of town on business for four days and busy with other

things back at home. Apparently, she was not the type who called

just to chat, which if I thought it through made sense. She was my

dominant, not my gal pal. She didn’t want to know if I bought the

shoes I’d seen in the store the day before. She didn’t care to hear

how my day had gone. And it didn’t even occur to her to let me

know what she was up to. She didn’t call just to “check in.”

What she did say when she called was she was having some

people over on Friday whom she’d like me to meet and to be at her

place at seven.

“And don’t be concerned, “ she said. “They’re not French.”

“Ha ha,” I said, glad to hear her teasing me. “I’ll be there with

bells on.”

“No, don’t wear bells.”

“I was kidding.”

She was silent for a moment. “On second thought, wear bells.

On your ankle.”

She hung up.

There had been no message from Adele, no follow-up of any

kind to the trashing of my apartment. The silence made me think it

may not have been her after all, and I’d put it out of my mind by the

time the party at Jeanne’s arrived.

I greeted Mrs. Kirchberger at the door as if she were a long-lost

friend and I got the same response as I always got, which was none

at all. She took my coat, for the air was cold now. It was Halloween,

and I could see tiny costumed children being herded by their parents

up and down the street. I wonder what their reaction was when Mrs.

Kirchberger answered the door. Maybe the little ones screamed.

“Trick or treat,” I said to her. She stared back and took my coat,

looking down at my feet when she heard the tinkle of the tiny bells

at my ankle. A trip to the fabric store and an evening with needle and

thread had produced something I hoped would be acceptable—an

ankle wrap with bells dangling from it. The sound made me feel like

a cat. I hadn’t bothered with a costume myself, thinking I wouldn’t

be wearing clothes for long anyway.

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Once in the study upstairs I saw I wasn’t the first to arrive. Jeanne

was in her usual place on the sofa, nearest the fireplace, and with her

were four other women. The dominants stood as I walked in the room

and the submissives stayed seated, turning their faces toward me.

Jeanne kissed me as she always did, on the cheek, and introduced me.

There was Pat, who smiled warmly and leaned over to also kiss

my cheek. I felt a kinship with her, though we barely knew each

other. The other dom was a woman named Kevin. It was her given

name, she quickly offered, lest I think what, I don’t know. Kevin was

shorter than me and much more mannish than Pat or Jeanne. She

wore a white shirt and skinny black tie and low-slung blue jeans.

Her hair was buzz cut, and she had the broad physique of a wrestler,

just starting to grow soft. She was older and had a very confident

bearing, but in a different way than Pat’s relaxed demeanor. Kevin

had a slightly dangerous feel about her.

On the sofa were Denise and Heather, and there was no question

they were femmes. I considered myself femme-ish, but they were

the real thing—expert makeup, high heels, perfect accessories,

complicated dresses. They both had long brown hair. At first, I had a

hard time telling them apart, but Denise was a little younger, perhaps

my age, and smiled easily. Heather was in her thirties and just barely

acknowledged our introduction.

We sat, with Jeanne patting the seat next to her and Heather

shifting over to sit on a chair, with Kevin perched on its arm. Jeanne

poured me a glass of wine.

“Laura, I wanted you to meet my friends, not only because they

are dear to me and an important part of my life, but also because we

all belong to a society we’d be very interested in you joining.”

“We spoke a bit about it with you before,” Pat said, “but I’m

sure it seems very mysterious.”

“Very much so,” I said. “The only thing I know is there is some

sort of organization, and part of the structure includes making a

submissive a primary to a dominant. Everything else is a complete

mystery to me.”

Kevin, Heather, and Denise stared at me as if I’d just fallen into

the room through the ceiling.

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“What?” I asked.

“How did you hear about primaries?” Heather said.

I shrugged. “Adele told me about it.”

They stared harder, but mingled it with looks at each other.

Heather seemed particularly taken aback.

“It’s not something that’s supposed to be shared with anyone

until such time as a person is taken into the Society,” Jeanne

said. “None of the details of our structure are. But it’s done. Let’s

move on. What we do as a group is nothing more than operate as

a support to one another, to function as arbitrator when there are

disputes among members, to coordinate our quarterly functions, and

administer certain rules that have proven to make operating in our

world less confusing and more fulfilling for everyone—dominant

and submissive alike. Because you are someone with whom I want

to spend more time, it is time now for you to be introduced to the

Society and become a member.”

This was not posed as a question or an invitation. It was an

announcement of their intention. So far, as had been the case with

nearly everything else, Jeanne’s desire comported with my own.

Except for that damn night in Paris.

“How does that happen, if you don’t mind my asking?” I looked

demurely at Jeanne and she smiled.

“You can’t hear the history or too much of the detail of the

organization until you become a member, so we don’t have much

to tell you tonight. However, the upcoming quarterly get-together is

scheduled for next weekend at my country place. I’d like for you to

go with me and to submit to the initiation at that time.”

This seemed a little clichéd, if you were to base such things on

how much there is similar to it in the BDSM literature. In my lost

and lamented collection of books there were several stories partially

set in someone’s country place, and the country place always had

an elaborate dungeon. Of course, I reminded myself, those were the

books I couldn’t stop reading, so it’s not like cliché is necessarily

bad. In this case it might be very, very good.

“This initiation doesn’t include any form of sacrifice, does it?”

That got a laugh out of everyone.

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“No, we aren’t an offshoot of the Freemasons,” Pat said. “The

only thing that will be sacrificed during your initiation is a little bit

of your dignity.”

I saw a note of pleasure in Heather’s expression when Pat said

this, as if she was going to particularly enjoy watching whatever

humiliation was in store for me. Presumably, Heather had to go

through something similar, but as so often happens when someone

becomes ensconced in an organization, there is scorn for the

newcomer, as if they were somehow inferior for not knowing all the

rules, for not yet being a part of the group. At least I hoped it was as

banal as that. I had a sinking feeling there was something personal

in Heather’s less than enthusiastic reception of me.

Jeanne put her arm around me and gave me a squeeze. “Let’s

leave off that conversation and concentrate on this evening. Who’s

ready for dinner?”

Mrs. K. served a scrumptious feast of roast leg of lamb, twice-

baked potatoes with fancy designs on the slightly browned top, fresh

asparagus with a sauce I couldn’t even describe, and a fresh fruit tart

I hoped to God she picked up at a bakery and didn’t make herself.

The woman was a workhorse. During coffee back in the study I

was interested to see Heather sit on Kevin’s lap, Denise snuggle up

under Pat’s arm, and Jeanne take my hand. It was like any lesbian

party, where long-term couples reach for each other as they relax

with other long-term couples. Very safe, very established. And yet

this similarity was a veneer, one that would crack the second a

submissive tried to assert her will about anything. One that would

positively shatter as soon as we walked into Jeanne’s play room

and the doms started stringing us up in any way they saw fit. I

wasn’t going to test Jeanne’s patience by suggesting we go in there

right away, though I already could feel my excitement. I would

wait for her, and I knew Heather and Denise would act with the

same restraint. The doms were well aware of our eagerness, and

even if they were dying to get us in there, it was more important

to them to keep us waiting and guessing what they would do. I

had been around just long enough to figure that out. I had a love/

hate relationship with it—loving the dependence on their decision-

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making, but hating the patience it called for. I’d never had much in

the way of patience.

Luckily, their collective will must have been to get right to it

this evening. Jeanne put down her coffee cup and rose.

“Shall we?” she asked, and all of us sprang up and followed

her to the secret door, waiting while she entered her code under the

desk and held the book shelf panel that swung open. We walked in,

followed by Jeanne, who locked the door behind us, a sound that

still gave me a chill.

Denise and Heather had clearly been in the room before,

probably many times before. They stopped in the middle of the room,

standing quietly while the doms poured drinks and took off their

jackets. I joined Denise and Heather, holding my hands behind me,

feeling like an army private in line before the commanding officers.

We were about to be sent into action. I stole a glance at Jeanne, who

was settling into her seat, and was surprised to see her wink at me.

It was a strangely intimate message, as if she were saying, “We’re

about to put on a show, but don’t forget it’s really about you and

me.” But maybe she was just winking to say, “You are about to get

fucked within an inch of your life, darling. Have fun!” I didn’t yet

feel fluent in dominant-speak.

Pat stepped forward and led Denise and I over to a wall where

chains and cuffs were attached to eye-bolts. She cuffed us to the

wall and put gags in our mouths. Denise was a little taller than me

and I envied her height. I was unable to rest my feet full on the

floor. Denise glanced at me with a look of sympathy, but her eyes

were also glittery. I could see she got off on this as much as I did.

Even saying I envied her height wasn’t exactly true. Each bit of

discomfort I felt seemed only to increase my feeling of arousal.

Heather was left in the middle of the room, standing very erect

and looking straight ahead. Pat returned to her seat next to Jeanne

while Kevin rose and walked slowly to the armoire that held the

equipment. When she returned she was carrying a large amount

of rope. She tied an incredibly complex series of knots around

Heather’s body, pushing her to the ground during the process so

her body could be contorted in very specific ways, none of which

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looked in the least bit comfortable. I knew that these rope skills

were something that some doms worked very hard to master, not

only as a way to distress their submissives but also to show off to

other doms.

At one point Heather looked over at Denise and me and gave

us the haughtiest look one could give under the circumstances. I

noticed she did so when Kevin was busy tying knots behind her

back and Jeanne and Pat were talking and laughing about something.

It wouldn’t do Heather any good to look proud. I’m sure Kevin

wouldn’t like it. Or maybe I was basing that on the books I’d read,

where the submissives were forced into a constant state of humility.

Whatever the dominants might think of Heather’s haughty

look, I know what I thought of it. It said she had something personal

against me. I wondered if the other submissives were going to be like

Heather and Adele—bitchy, territorial, maybe a little crazy. It made

my heart sink, not only because I’d have to be around them, but

because I didn’t want to be associated with that kind of personality.

I’d hoped to be done with social drama in high school. And I didn’t

want to think badly of the women I’d soon be spending more time

with. Denise seemed nice, at least.

Jeanne and Pat fell silent as Kevin finished her work. Heather

was left on her stomach, essentially looking like a rocker bar. Her

head was held up by a rope tied to her ponytail, secured at a central

knotted area in the middle of her back. Her legs were pointed

toward her head, rope securing them between ankle and the center

knot. Her breasts were bound at the base and bulging beneath her.

Kevin walked over to the coffee table and picked up a remote,

which lowered the chain from the ceiling. When it was all the way

to the floor, Kevin attached it to the center knot and then slowly

started to raise the chain back up. I heard it creak a little, but no

one looked concerned it would break and Heather fall to floor. All

three dominants stared intently at the figure as it rose to Kevin’s

shoulder height. The strain could be easily seen on Heather’s face,

and I didn’t doubt the force of her weight against the suspension was

incredibly hard on the body. She didn’t look so proud now—more

like she was simply gritting her teeth and trying to get through it.

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Kevin walked slowly around her, tapping lightly with a crop

on her ass, her breasts, her feet. Each tap brought out a cry from

Heather. I could see sweat starting to break out on her forehead. She

kept this up for five to ten minutes. It was hard for me to judge the

passage of time. It must have seemed like an eternity to Heather.

Kevin glanced over at Jeanne, who gave a slight nod of her head,

and Kevin lowered Heather to the floor and removed the rope. I

think I was breaking out in a sweat by this point. The rope markings

on Heather were vivid and red and they didn’t look like they’d just

fade away in a few hours. They would be bruises. I understood the

things submissives are sometimes asked to do are extremely hard

and also call for extreme trust. There had been no genital contact

between Heather and Kevin, yet everyone in the room was aroused

by what they saw. Kevin put a collar on Heather and then pulled her

up by it, leading her over to the wall where she was chained up next

to Denise and me. Heather wasn’t looking at anyone. She seemed to

be in a zone of some sort, and I hoped it was a good one and she was

as aroused by all of this as were those watching. I had to admit I was

impressed with her skill, because there had to be some involved in

successfully hanging like that, even for ten minutes.

While Kevin was putting her equipment away, Pat was pulling

a pommel horse to center stage. It was about waist high and a foot

wide, leather clad on sturdy metal legs. She then made her own

trip to the armoire while Kevin got a drink and joined Jeanne. I

saw Jeanne pat her on her knee, as if to congratulate her on a job

well done. Pat dumped some items on the floor and then came over

to get Denise. I felt a little heart stab, not out of a sense of being

rejected by Pat, but more at being last to be asked. Again with the

high school stuff.

Pat put a collar and cuffs on Denise and then pushed her over

the pommel horse. Her body was bent in two, her ass in the air, and

her head hanging upside down. Pat fastened her cuffs to the legs of

the horse, tightly, so Denise could not move at all. She picked up a

bamboo cane and walked in a circle around Denise. I heard Denise

make a noise through her gag when Pat walked past her head and

she saw the cane. It confirmed what I’d read, that the cane was the

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least liked of all the implements used on submissives. It stung the

most, and it could do a lot of damage with very little effort on the

part of the dominant. It was often misused as a result. I would trust

Pat. I’m not sure I’d want to be caned by Kevin, though. She seemed

skilled, but I didn’t like her. Therefore, I didn’t trust her.

My thoughts, which had a tendency to quickly complicate the

very simple, were brought quickly around by the sound of Denise

crying out. It looked like Pat was barely tapping her on the ass and I

wondered if Denise was being overly dramatic. Certainly, it couldn’t

hurt that much. Pat was moving from ass to thighs and then down to

her feet, which got a particularly loud cry, a scream really, though

all of it muffled by the gag. This went on for quite a long time and

Denise’s ass and thighs grew cherry red. There were horizontal lines

across both. Denise was no longer making any noise other than a

little whimpering. Pat reached down and removed the gag and then

strapped on a dildo. She took Denise by the hair at the back of her

head and raised up her head.

“Suck it,” she said. She looked very fierce. She was rubbing

the dildo up and down as if it were really her own cock and she was

getting it ready. I believed it was her own cock. Denise opened her

mouth and did the best she could from her awkward pose, trying to

swallow the cock and push it against Pat’s clit. Pat stood in front

of her, staring down at the mouth working on her, holding Denise

by the back of the head and pushing further into her throat. Pat’s

thighs were trembling from the strain and the excitement, and all

at once she pulled out, leaving Denise gasping for breath. Pat kept

hold of her head with one hand while she took off her harness, and

then she thrust her pussy at Denise. Again, Denise took her into

her mouth, using her tongue instead of the back of her throat to

excite her. I could see Pat rubbing, holding Denise rigid between her

legs, rubbing and rubbing until I thought her legs would go out from

underneath her. She came, quietly, but her body language was clear.

She let Denise’s head drop and pulled up her pants.

I looked over at Jeanne and Kevin. Jeanne looked perfectly

composed but certainly interested, while Kevin seemed a little

overheated. Her hand was snaking into her trousers. Without

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looking at her, Jeanne reached over and pulled Kevin’s hand out

of her pants.

Pat got Denise off the pommel horse and chained back on the

wall next to me. She looked flushed but happy. She hadn’t come, I

don’t think. Was she truly happy without having an orgasm? I hoped

I’d be able to talk to Denise about this question of coming or not

coming. I believe in submitting, but I believe in orgasms also. I

didn’t want to give up one to get the other.

After Pat put away her equipment she poured another drink for

Jeanne, Kevin, and herself. Nothing was offered to the submissives.

Jeanne rose and walked slowly and gracefully to the armoire and

came back with her own accoutrements. She kicked the ottoman

over from where Kevin had been propping her feet on it, and then

she walked toward the wall. I had a bad moment where I thought she

might pick one of the other women instead of me. But she didn’t. She

took me off the wall, without looking at me and without speaking to

me. She attached a collar to me and then clicked on a leash.

“Get on your knees,” she said. “And I expect you to keep up

with me.”

I dropped to all fours and looked up at her just as she set off

at a brisk pace toward the back of the room. It was a bit like the

Westminster Dog Show, though I stumbled a bit, making her yank

on the leash and wrenching me forward by the collar. I quickly got

my limbs working and scrambled to stay at her side as we went

around the room. It was a large space and the floor a polished

hardwood. I felt like I was bringing a hammer down on my knees

with each step. It was painful, and it was also the most humiliating

thing I’d done for Jeanne. I felt everyone’s eyes on me. The effort

was making me breathe hard, and I was drooling through my gag. At

one point I balked, needing to catch my breath, and Jeanne stepped

behind me and kicked me in the ass with her boot. Hard. For the

first time since I’d been with her, the actions we were taking were

not what I thought would be arousing to me. I never fantasized

about wanting to be dragged along like a dog and kicked, but I had

constantly fantasized about being spanked and whipped. And yet,

as I found myself falling into some kind of rhythm beside her, I

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also felt my arousal. It was strong. It was fed by seeing Jeanne’s leg

striding beside me, leading me by tugs on the leash. When we finally

stopped, in front of the sofa where Pat and Kevin sat, I was ready to

be taken in any way imaginable. Doggy style seemed appropriate.

I was encouraged when Jeanne pulled me over to the ottoman

and draped me over it.

“Grip the legs of the ottoman and don’t move. Keep your legs

exactly where they are. If you move, bad things will happen.”

Jeanne picked up a flogger, not unlike the one I’d admired

in Paris. She dangled the strands over my body, brushed them

up and down my back and ass, and did it a little more as I cooed

appreciatively. But then came the thwack of the whip as it met my

flesh and I howled through my gag. This was much heavier and

more intense than anything she’d used on me before.

“You said you were ready for this when we were in Paris,”

Jeanne said. “So I’m going to take you at your word.”

She hit me five times with it. Five horrible times. But each time

I felt the pain in a different way, a progressively intoxicating way,

as I saw myself go further under and Jeanne grow ever larger above

me. By the end of the fifth blow I was panting, but it may have been

as much from excitement as from the pain. I hadn’t moved at all

while she was flogging me. I hadn’t moved once to avoid the blows,

even though I was unrestrained. I could feel the shape of the strands

where they left their impressions on my back. I relished the idea of

them being there for days.

I was still in a haze when Jeanne returned me to the wall. It

didn’t look like I was to be granted an orgasm either tonight. I also

realized Jeanne had not come (I don’t think) and it seemed unlikely

she’d let that remain the case. This worried me, for good reason.

Jeanne now returned to her comrades and sat in a wide chair,

signaling Pat to bring Heather to her. Pat took Heather down from

the wall, took off her gag, and gave her some water. Then Jeanne

pointed to the floor at her feet and ordered her to service her. I could

hardly bear to watch.

Heather looked like she knew what she was doing, which was

no surprise. I concentrated on watching Jeanne’s face. She didn’t

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look at me once. Instead, she stared at Heather’s tongue on her. Her

eyes started to become hooded and her hands gripped the arms of

the chair. It seemed it was just a minute or two before she came, her

hips rising, her hands now pulling Heather’s mouth tighter against

her. Then she collapsed back against the chair and signaled Heather

to go away. Pat walked her back to the wall, and I tried not to look

when Heather walked by me, the shine from Jeanne’s juices still

gleaming on her skin.

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ChapTer seven—The CounTry house

The following Friday morning, I was on the train to a town

two hours north of the city, a region dotted with hobby

farms and expansive retreats for the city’s well-to-do. These

properties encircled a quintessential small town with cute Main

Street shops and overly sophisticated restaurants, the menus and

prices of which would be of no interest to the year-round residents

of the area. I’d been up here once before on a weekend trip with

some fellow students, crammed into a lake cabin and too poor to

eat at any restaurant. As the train pulled into the newly refurbished

station and I saw Jeanne standing next to a Range Rover waiting

for me, I knew I was in for a totally different experience this time

around.

She took my bag when we reached each other, giving me a one-

armed hug and a kiss. She seemed genuinely glad to see me. I’m not

sure why this continued to surprise me, but it did. As I stepped up

into the big car she pinched my ass and laughed before closing the

door for me. Playful. It was also taking me a while to realize what

a playful person Jeanne was, even beyond the sex play. She was not

above a tickle fight, and one night we sent the feathers flying during

a pillow fight. I felt guilty later that Mrs. Kirchberger probably had

to clean it up.

“I’m so excited you’re here,” she said. “I was starting to go

stir-crazy by myself.”

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“I thought the place was going to be full of people this

weekend.”

“It will be. But they’re just now trickling in. Most will be here

by mid-afternoon.”

“When is the initiation?” I said.

Jeanne looked at me and smiled. “Nervous?”

“Of course. For all I know I’ll be pierced a la Story of O, or

branded, or something else along those lines. I’m going into this

blind.”

I could see Jeanne thinking about this. She took my hand.

“And you would go through something like that for me?”

I hesitated just a quick moment and returned her gaze. “I would.

I would trust you to know when the right time would be.”

“You’re brave. I can see that in you. And you trust me, which

means more to me than you probably know. But this isn’t the time

for anything like that.”

I was relieved, and I also was even more trusting of Jeanne. I

didn’t want to be jolted out of that place of trust by fear she’d do

something that was too much for me. Would she one day order my

labia pierced or a red hot brand applied to my flank? Possibly. But it

would be when we were both ready for it.

“The initiation is scheduled for Saturday night. After the dinner

you will leave with the other submissives while we vote on your

admittance to the Society. The vote needs to be unanimously in

favor, which I’m sure it will be. Then we proceed to the initiation

and the party afterward.”

Jeanne drove as I looked out the window, at peace with the

moment and able to not worry about what the weekend would

bring. The countryside looked fairly bleak in the early November

gray, but it was beautiful as well. Austere and graceful. The fields

were on either side of us, both harvested and fallow, and I thought

of their abundance and of how marvelous it would be to have such

a simple and important reason for existence—to provide food. In

between the working farms were the larger, elaborate properties

used as second homes. Other second homes were located on the

many lakes in the region. After a fifteen minute drive, Jeanne pulled

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into a narrow gravel road that ran through thick woods, emerging

after half a mile onto an enormous property on one of those lakes.

The house was an excellent imitation of an English manor home

and it sat on the rear of the property, surrounded by acres of lawn

and garden.

The property was on a bluff above the lake, and as soon as

I walked through the front door into the house I saw the floor to

ceiling windows that looked over the water. This one room appeared

to be the central meeting area. It had a lot of furniture in it, all of

it comfortable. Several women were sprawled around on sofas and

chairs, and I could tell right away they were dominants. I didn’t

think the submissives would sprawl. Jeanne introduced me briefly

and then made our excuses to the others. She wanted to take me for

a walk on the property.

“I’ll save our tour through the inside for tomorrow,” Jeanne

said. “I want to show you the art, of course, which will take a little

time. I’m looking forward to you seeing it.”

We walked out the back of the house. Twenty feet away were

wooden stairs leading down to the lake, a vertical drop so steep it

would be impossible for anyone in poor health to come back up

once they’d gone down. The lake itself looked gorgeous—quiet

and a steely blue. Jeanne led me away from the stairs and to the

north lawn. There was a walkway that led some hundred feet or so

away from the house, and along it were several outbuildings. Jeanne

paused in front of the first.

“The first building here is a writing studio. It can also be an art

studio. It can also be your studio if you want to do some concentrated

work up here. Maybe on your holidays from school, when you want

to get a lot done on the dissertation.”

“Really?” I was flabbergasted. I was starting to feel like a

girlfriend. A girlfriend of a rich woman. We peeked into the studio

and what I saw was an adorable cottage quite a bit bigger than my

present apartment.

“I’d love that.”

Jeanne looked pleased. We went along the path and came to

a tool shed and then a guest cottage, approximately twice as large

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lesley Gowan

as the studio, and finally a barn/workshop/auxiliary garage. There

were no horses or livestock of any kind in the barn. Just jet skis and

scooters and bikes and sporting equipment. As we were approaching

the building I wondered if it were another play space—huge and

elaborate. But it was a bit far away from the house. Getting to it

wasn’t the problem, but I imagined staggering out of it all the way

back would be.

On the other side of the house there was an enormous patio and

an outdoor pool, and beyond that a tennis court. I felt like I was at

a Four Seasons Resort. Jeanne talked about the work she’d done on

the place, what it looked like when she bought it. All of the boring

things people tell you when they are in love with their properties. It

made me happy she was in love with hers.

We went down the steep stairs to see the beach. At the base of

the stairs was a long dock out onto the water, with a boathouse at

the end of it. It was surprisingly warm inside. Jeanne turned on an

overhead light and I saw a large Chris-Craft cruiser clad in gleaming

wood.

“It’s too cold to take her out today, but let’s sit in the boat for a

while. I find it relaxing.”

Jeanne stepped down into the boat and turned to help me in. I

loved how she automatically did the most thoughtful of things, just

as she automatically felt an ownership over my body. She would

offer me her arm one moment and give me the flat of her hand on my

ass the next. It was hard to believe I found this soothing.

There was a bench seat in the back of the boat and we sat side

by side, gently rocking as the lake moved beneath us.

“Can you tell me anything more about this society?” I asked.

“Is it like Story of O? It seems the elements are there—the country

house, the dominants who are in charge, the submissives who come

to be initiated.”

“I hate to think of this as being so derivative.”

“We’re not talking about art, after all. Maybe there just aren’t

very many ways to have such a group. And anyway, Story of O was

popular for a reason.”

Jeanne grinned. “Kind of like the Bible?”

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“Yes, the Bible of Dominance and Submission. So what’s the

genesis of your group?”

“I am, I guess. I found as I became acquainted with more and

more women who were interested in living this kind of life, it was

feeling unwieldy. I didn’t feel all of the submissives were safe, or

all of the dominants well trained. Essentially, I wanted a way to vet

the people I play with, and it turned out there were many others who

had the same concerns.”

I felt as if I’d found a home after looking for one my entire life.

It was a feeling of tremendous relief. I teared up.

Jeanne looked startled. “Is that upsetting to you?”

“No, it’s like magic to me.”

Jeanne put her arm around me and held me close. “I gathered a

few together and put the pieces in place for the organization.”

“How many are there?”

“World-wide there are probably two hundred or more. In this

part of the country there are around fifty, and probably a third will

be here this weekend. It’s a fluid number because there are people

who are members but who are now old enough they don’t attend

every function. People who were quite a bit older than me when we

started. And then there are younger members of all ages, women

who have been admitted over the last year and are still undergoing

training.”

I sat quietly for a bit, taking it all in. I didn’t want to know all

of the details up front. I knew Jeanne would let me know what I

needed to know.

“I want to say something, but I’m not sure how good I am at

saying this sort of thing,” Jeanne said.

“You’re good at everything.”

“You shouldn’t overestimate me.”

“What do you want to tell me?” I couldn’t imagine what it was.

“One of the reasons we’ve formed this society is because we all

intend to have sex with multiple partners. It’s what we do.”

“I know that.”

“That’s not going to change, no matter what form our

relationship takes.”

• 109 •

lesley Gowan

I felt stung. “I know that too. I would never imply otherwise.”

“Not all women are like you. And that’s what I want to say to

you. Something about you has affected me in a way none of my

other lovers ever has.”

My eyes got wide. Jeanne laughed. “I’m not sure whether I

should take your expression as happiness or alarm.”

“Surprise, I think. Then happiness.”

“There will be a few group activities this weekend and you’ll

see me with other women. I want you to know part of me will be

thinking of you while I’m with them.”

“What will you be thinking when you see me with other

women?”

Jeanne paused and looked down at her hands. “I’m not sure I’m

prepared to see you with other women.”

We both were quiet with our thoughts about that. Jeanne

probably couldn’t believe she’d said it.

“But I’ll keep an open mind,” she said, looking back at me.

“Would you stay with me in my rooms this weekend? Most of the

submissives stay in the west wing of the house unless invited to one

of the doms’ bedrooms. I’d just as soon invite you now.”

“I’d love to,” I said.

Jeanne leaned over and kissed me. It seems odd to say she’d

never really kissed me before. Not this kind of slow, passionate,

masterful kiss. If I had been standing I would have swooned. If

this were the first thing Jeanne had done with me it would not seem

nearly as intimate as it now did. The kiss lengthened, our breathing

deepened, and soon she was pushing me down and her hands started

to roam over me. She fondled my breasts as if she’d never touched

them before. She kissed the length of my neck as if in worship, adoring

every inch of me. Then she knelt beside me and helped me take my

clothes off, kissing each area of my body as it was revealed. I didn’t

feel the cool air. My skin was hot to the touch. As she slid my panties

off I could feel my wetness, and Jeanne wasted no time in feeling it

also. She moved between my legs and put her mouth on me, teasing

me with slow laps of her tongue. The tenderness was as powerful as

her absolute dominance over me always was, but so interconnected.

• 110 •

The ColleCTors

The one wouldn’t have its power without the presence of the other.

I moved my hips to meet her tongue, to force myself harder on her

and she didn’t correct me, didn’t order me into stillness. She met my

urgency with her own and I felt myself starting to come.

“Can I come now?” I was panting.

“Yes. Come to me,” she said putting two fingers into me.

“Come now.”

The boathouse was an acoustic nightmare, and the sound of my

cries must have scared the fish below us. In the aftermath, I had my

arm draped across my eyes as I tried to swim back up to real time

and space. I felt Jeanne move so her face was resting on my belly.

“Wow,” I said, vocabulary eluding me for the moment.

Jeanne was quiet.

“Are you there?” I raised my head and looked down at her, and

she lifted her head to look back at me.

“I’m here, though I’m sure that didn’t seem like me.”

“It did.”

“Really? Because it’s been a long time since I made love to a

woman that way.”

“You seemed to remember how just fine.”

She sat upright and straightened her clothing. “Well, don’t get

your hopes up. I don’t think I’ve changed.”

“I hope not. I loved that, but it wouldn’t be you if it’s all we

did.”

Another long pause. She gazed straight ahead, toward the lake,

though the door to the boat house was down and there was nothing

to look at.

“Why do you think that happened?” she asked.

For the first time I was seeing Jeanne as a bit confused, less in

charge than was normally the case. It didn’t fit with what attracted

me to her as a dominant, but it made her all the more human to me

as a woman. The question I struggled with was whether I wanted to

encourage her vulnerability or discourage it. Did I want to know her,

or did I want to just play with her?

“Why would it be strange for you to have a desire to be tender?”

I asked.

• 111 •

lesley Gowan

“I don’t think of myself as tender.”

“You’re complex. That’s partly why I love you.”

The words hung in the air. I hadn’t yet told her I loved her and

I could see it startled her. She helped me on with my clothes and we

left for the main house, where I followed her to the west wing of the

property. I was trying to hold my tongue.

“I’ll see you this evening when we gather for cocktails,” Jeanne

said. “Your bag is already in my room, but you will find you have

everything you need for this evening in the west wing. I believe

Denise is here. She’ll help you get acquainted with everyone.”

Before she could leave I took her arm. “You’re not upset with

me, are you? For saying I love you? I don’t expect anything from

you.”

“I know you don’t.”

“It would be impossible for me not to love you.”

“Well, I’m not mad. I just have some things to think about.”

“Will we be able to talk when I see you tonight? I don’t know

what the protocol is.”

“We won’t be talking like this until we’re alone again. They’ll

explain it to you in here.” She opened a door to a hallway and

ushered me in. I stood in a breezeway leading into another section

of the house. It was very quiet. At the end of it was another closed

door and Veronica answered it when I knocked. I had not seen her

since the evening she’d done the makeover on me.

“I heard you would be here!” she said, giving me a quick hug.

“Jeanne asked me to keep a special eye on you.”

“Is that a good thing?”

Veronica laughed. “A very good thing. Clearly, you’ve got her

full attention.”

We were standing in a living room, its windows also looking

out toward the lake. There was no one else about. Veronica led me

across the room and into a small kitchen, where she handed me a

bottle of water. We sat at a table.

“There’s only a few of the girls here, and they’re all taking

naps. More will be arriving soon. We’ll go into the spa around six

and start getting ready.”

• 112 •

The ColleCTors

“Why did you say that, about me having Jeanne’s full attention?

What was that based on?”

Veronica looked curiously at me. “Just what I said. Jeanne

called me especially about you. And I know that Adele was asked to

leave Jeanne’s house, which has to mean something.”

“I took it to mean something too, but I don’t know what. Jeanne

won’t talk about Adele.”

Veronica laughed. “Typical. The doms like to think all the subs

are fighting over them, but they don’t want to become involved in

any of the details.”

There had been no sign of Adele since she trashed my apartment,

and I was not nearly as concerned about her as I had been. It was

hard for me to keep her in mind when there was room for little but

Jeanne and the new life she was introducing me to.

“Jeanne wasn’t happy that Adele tried to warn me off.”

Veronica drank from her water. “I’m sure if Adele was

exhibiting any signs of jealousy Jeanne would shut her down very

quickly. That doesn’t fly around here. It doesn’t pay to be possessive

of a dom, especially Jeanne. She’s the one who wrote the rules.”

Denise came into the kitchen and gave me a big hug. I hardly

knew her, but watching each other at the mercy of a dominant as we

had at Jeanne’s was a bonding experience. I felt happy to be with

two friendly and somewhat familiar faces. I felt I’d found a home

and that was almost as exciting as finding Jeanne. Denise offered

to take me on a tour and we headed up to the bedroom level of

the wing. Here I could see another long hallway filled with shut

doorways.

“These are all bedrooms,” Denise said, “where most of the girls

stay over the weekend. Here’s mine.” We went into a small but very

nice room with tall ceilings, big windows, and a comfortable bed

and easy chair. There looked to be six or seven bedrooms on this

floor, with another floor above us. “Sometimes I stay with Pat, but

she wanted to be on her own this weekend.”

“I like Pat. She’s very down-to-earth.”

“Yeah. I adore her. But I adore a lot of the doms. That’s partly

what makes this so much fun.”

• 113 •

lesley Gowan

“Is Heather here this weekend?” I asked.

“Oh, yeah. She wouldn’t miss it. She and Kevin get in soon, I

think.”

“Are you and Heather good friends?” I wanted to know if I

could speak freely with Denise. “I get the feeling she doesn’t like

me.”

Denise scrunched up her face. She had freckles, even in

November, and she was very innocent looking, unless you’d seen

her slung over a pommel horse, as I had.

“I think it’s very hard to be friends with Heather. I’d say I get

along with her as well as anyone does, which isn’t saying much.”

“Why is she like that, do you think?”

“You mean other than she’s just unlikeable?” Denise laughed.

“Some people just are.”

“What about Adele?”

“I don’t know Adele well. She’s just been eighty-sixed from

the Society. She and Heather were best friends, so I guess they at

least liked each other.”

“Wait. I’m lost here.” I sat on the easy chair and motioned

Denise to sit on her bed. “I do know Adele, because she’s the one

who introduced me to Jeanne. She and I were in the same art class.

But Adele was unhappy when I started seeing Jeanne.”

“Yep, and I think that’s Heather’s influence. Everyone here

knows a submissive must keep any signs of jealousy strictly in

check. It’s in the oath we swear. I think Heather put it in Adele’s

mind she could hang on to Jeanne and perhaps profit more from

their relationship if she made it a little more exclusive. Heather

has complete control over Kevin, so you can imagine what kind of

advice she was giving Adele. But Adele was a fool if she thought she

could make any demands on Jeanne. They were doomed to failure.”

I thought about this for a moment. “You know how I mentioned

Adele told me about primaries and what they were in the Society?”

Denise laughed. “Yeah, definitely a no-no. I know Jeanne was

angry about that.”

“She also told me she hoped to be Jeanne’s primary one day.

I’m sure that’s why she was so upset when Jeanne and I started

• 114 •

The ColleCTors

to spend time together. I don’t know about the rules of primary

relationships, but my guess is the doms would continue to have

multiple sex partners but spend social time only with her Primary.

Is that right?”

“Essentially. Again, Adele’s plan was doomed to failure. If

there’s anyone less likely to have a Primary than Jeanne, I don’t

know who it would be. We were all shocked when she agreed to

have Adele stay in her basement apartment. I hope you aren’t getting

your hopes up about Jeanne.”

“No, of course not. I’m just trying to get through the day

without falling flat on my face.”

“Don’t worry about a thing. We’ll keep an eye out for you. Has

anyone told you what these parties are like?”

“Not a word. So far, I’ve learned everything right before it

happens.”

“Well, it’s not complicated. Cocktails, dinner, sex in the

dungeon.”

I’m sure my eyes lit up. “There’s a dungeon?”

“Oh, yes. Huge, fully equipped, plenty of room for everyone.”

“Okay. I know how to do cocktails and dinner. And I’m dying

to see the dungeon.”

“Just remember when we see the doms you must be in full

submissive mode from the start. This isn’t a cocktail party where we

giggle and flirt with them. They may grab you and have you over a

knee. They may pull your tits out of your robe and hang ornaments

on them. You don’t say a word and you don’t resist. Can you do

that?”

“Yes.”

As in love with Jeanne as I thought I might be, it was this kind

of experience that had inflamed me in the books I read in my pre-

Jeanne life. I felt ready. I couldn’t wait to do it.

Denise patted me on the knee and stood. “And your initiation

tomorrow is nothing to worry about. If you already like what we do,

you’ll love it. I can’t tell you about it, but it will only make you glad

to be part of the Society.”

“What’s the name of the Society, anyway?”

• 115 •

lesley Gowan

“I don’t think it has one. We just call it the Society. On paper,

it’s capitalized, so I guess that’s its name.”

What kind of organization with oaths and initiations and voting

doesn’t have a name? Maybe one that doesn’t want to call attention

to itself. Or maybe Jeanne just couldn’t think of one.

Denise and I went into the back of the west wing, behind the

kitchen, and found six or seven women already gathered in the spa

there. Denise introduced me and everyone was very cheerful and

friendly, except for Heather, who was not hiding her dislike of me.

While all the other women gave me a hug, Heather did not. While

all the others asked after me, Heather walked away. It was painfully

obvious, but I decided to not react and concentrate on the positive

reception I was getting. I was led through several pre-evening rituals:

a group steam bath and shower, and then, with everyone robed,

a gathering at makeup tables to start putting on faces. Veronica

oversaw all and helped me with my makeup from beginning to end.

The women chattered and gossiped, and it could have been a group

of women gathered anywhere—washing clothes on the banks of

a river or having lunch at the country club. Or preparing to turn

ourselves over to the mercy of a randy group of female dominants.

In the wardrobe room we replaced our bathrobes with long,

flowing silk robes, each tied with a matching silk belt and open

above and below it. I was given a light blue robe, the same color

given to one other woman, Nan. I was told that she too was here

for the first time. The other women wore robes in many colors,

making for a subtle rainbow flowing into the main gathering room

as we made our entrance. The dominants looked up, but none came

forward to greet us. They continued their conversations, made their

drinks. I stood next to Denise and scanned the room. The doms were

dressed without uniformity as we were, but they were dressed up

in their own ways. Pat had a tie on and black trousers instead of

her usual black jeans. Kevin had a suit on, emphasizing her stout,

fireplug appearance. Jeanne looked like the androgynous beauty she

was. She wore a tunic over very skinny black pants, with elegant

flat heeled shoes, a scarf wound around her neck, large watch at her

wrist, and gold hoop earrings.

• 116 •

The ColleCTors

The doms began to approach the submissives, sometimes in

pairs, and I could hear them laugh together as they began to handle

them. The submissives kept their eyes cast to the floor. I saw Mrs.

Kirchberger surveying the room before retreating to the kitchen.

Jeanne appeared next to us, seemingly out of nowhere. She

glanced at Denise and said, “Leave us.” The tone of her voice left it

clear the dominant Jeanne was back. I didn’t say anything as Denise

quickly left and I kept my eyes cast downward. I could see Jeanne

was holding a collar and leather leash in hand.

“Hold your hair up,” she said, and I quickly gathered my hair

and held it out of the way as she attached the collar and snapped on

the leash. I fell to my knees when she pointed to the floor.

For the next half hour I scrambled behind Jeanne as she moved

through the large room, pausing at each group to tell the dominants

who I was. These were not introductions as much as a display of

goods. A dominant might reach over and grab me by the chin, turning

my face back and forth, raising or opening my robe to examine my

body in an almost clinical way. I was half expecting them to open

my mouth and check my teeth. When we got to Kevin’s group,

which included Heather sitting on the floor by her side, a dominant

named Murphy asked Jeanne if she could take me by the collar for

a moment. Jeanne nodded and handed the leash to Murphy, who

yanked on it to get me to stand up. Murphy was tall and thin and

had hair that fell into her face. I couldn’t tell what she looked like.

Like most of the doms in the room, she appeared to be in her late

thirties, early forties. She quickly tied my hands behind me with the

leash and then reached into the robe to take my breasts out, one by

one. She grabbed me by each nipple, first one and then the other,

and twisted, lifting my face to stare into my eyes, almost daring me

to cry out. I didn’t. Kevin was standing next to Murphy, watching

intently. I did not want to give her the satisfaction of seeing me

uncomfortable.

“I’d like to see how quickly I can make her scream once we

get downstairs,” Murphy said to Jeanne. “With your permission, of

course.”

“Of course,” Jeanne said.

• 117 •

lesley Gowan

When dinner was announced we moved into the formal dining

room and everyone took seats in no particular order, or so I thought.

My leash was back in Jeanne’s hand, so I went where I was led. She

pushed me to the ground next to her seat at the head of the table,

which seriously hampered my ability to observe. But I did see Pat sit

next to Denise and Kevin and Murphy sit with Heather.

Jeanne fed me bits throughout the meal and occasionally

stroked my head. Being treated like a dog was making the whole

occasion a lot easier to navigate and comprehend, because I didn’t

have to navigate or comprehend a thing. I just did as I was told.

I could feel it sliding me into a mental state of subservience that

somehow translated for me into physical arousal.

As dinner wound down, Jeanne stood and addressed the group.

“Before we move downstairs, I want to officially welcome two

newcomers with us this weekend. Laura, would you stand up? And

Nan?”

Nan and I stood. We were at opposite ends of the long table

and I could see heads swiveling between us, getting a good look. Pat

winked at me. Denise gave me a thumbs up.

“This weekend is the last official Society gathering this year,

and we will be voting tomorrow night on whether to admit Laura

and Nan as members. We look forward to an exciting initiation

ceremony following the vote. As always during our weekends, we

will have some training and some workshops during the afternoon

on Saturday, and Sunday afternoon will be the executive committee

meeting. I hope you’ll all enjoy yourself. If there’s anything you

require, you need only ask me or Mrs. Kirchberger.”

Mrs. K. was standing in the dining room, just by the open door

to the kitchen. I was relieved to see there were quite a few others

in the kitchen to help her, but she was clearly running the show. It

was remarkable what she could get done without a tongue. I began

speculating on Mrs. K.’s sex life, whether she even had a sex life,

first of all, and secondly, if she was a lesbian, how she dealt with

being tongueless. Of course, if she were a dominant, which I would

have bet everything she was, she’d never have to worry about her

tongue not being there to perform those important acts of reciprocity.

• 118 •

The ColleCTors

Going down on submissives was not something dominants often

did, I suppose because it seemed to them to make them appear less

dominant. I was still getting over the surprise of Jeanne doing me in

the boat that afternoon.

Soon, the women were walking toward the wide staircase near

the entryway to head down to the dungeon. Jeanne held me back

until everyone was gone. I was back sitting at the foot of her chair.

“Do you have any questions?” she asked.

“I have a million questions. How many can I ask?”

“One.”

I thought for a moment, but there was only one pressing

question.

“Do I have to do whatever a dominant says, even if I don’t like

her?”

“Yes. Most especially then.”

I resigned myself to some unpleasantness with Kevin. I had no

doubt she would put me through something that pleased her a lot

and me not at all. And if Heather forbade Kevin from approaching

me, I thought Kevin would send in Murphy as her proxy. As these

thoughts danced around in my head, Jeanne sat quietly.

“Is there someone in particular you don’t like?” she asked after

a bit.

“It’s Kevin. I’m a little afraid of her.”

“Why?”

If I bring up Heather, I bring up Adele.

“I don’t think Kevin likes me, and since she’s the one holding

the whip, so to speak, it makes me nervous.”

Jeanne sighed. “It seems we had a similar conversation in Paris,

only there you thought you would be in danger simply because the

dominants were French.”

“No, I—”

“Quiet.” Jeanne took hold of my collar and turned my face to

look up at me. “Are you saying you don’t want to participate this

evening?”

“No, not at all. This is completely different.”

• 119 •

lesley Gowan

“It sounds like you are declining to do as I wish, once again,

out of an unfounded fear, maybe a ruse for you to get your own

way. It’s clear you have no interest in being submissive to me. This

is not a gray area, Laura. You aren’t submissive sometimes and not

others—not at your own discretion, anyway.”

I could see Jeanne’s frown, etched deeply in her forehead and

around the corners of her mouth. I felt nearly panicked.

“I want to go down there with you. I’ll do everything you want

me to do.”

“I don’t believe you.” Jeanne was now unbuckling the collar.

“You can go back to the west wing and stay there until I arrange for

you to be sent home.” She stood and walked away from the table.

My neck felt naked and vulnerable.

“Jeanne, please. Wait.” I scrambled to my feet and ran to her.

“There’s something about this situation you don’t know. It’s not like

Paris at all.”

She stopped. “You’ve kept something from me, in other

words?”

“Technically, no. You said once you didn’t want to know

anything about submissives squabbling over you, though the

definition of squabbling is a little fuzzy.”

“Just tell me what you’re talking about.”

I took her arm and dragged her back to the dining table. I sat in

a chair next to her.

“The reason I’m fearful of Kevin is because of her relationship

with Heather, and I’m afraid of Heather because of her friendship

with Adele.”

“Adele?”

“You told me we weren’t to talk about Adele, so I didn’t tell

you when she threatened me on campus one day, or when she sent

me a threatening drawing.”

“I saw the drawing. Pat brought it to me.”

“Just prior to that she saw me on campus and told me to stay

away from you. When we arrived home from Paris I found my

apartment trashed and my collection of lesbian BDSM completely

ruined. There was paint thrown over it. I’m sure it was Adele.”

• 120 •

The ColleCTors

Jeanne looked stunned, but she didn’t say anything. She got

up and walked back to the window, staring out at the black lake and

sky.

“I probably wouldn’t have told you anything,” I said, “but

since I first met Heather, it’s obvious she hates me and I’ve learned

she and Adele are best friends. I’m sure Adele has poisoned

Heather and Kevin against me. That’s why I didn’t want to submit

to Kevin.”

She turned to look at me. She looked stricken.

“I have failed you,” she said. “I should have followed up after

Pat gave me that stupid drawing of you stabbing Adele in the back,

but I thought it was just a childish act on Adele’s part. I’d grown a

little tired of Adele, frankly, and used the drawing as the pretext for

sending her away.”

“Was she a member of the Society?”

“Yes, but I exiled her after the drawing incident.”

“You can do that?”

Jeanne looked at me as if I were questioning her abilities. “Of

course. If someone breaks the rules, their sponsor can unilaterally

revoke their membership.”

Jeanne took my hands into hers. “I never imagined Adele would

actually be dangerous, but I think we have to take her seriously if

she, in fact, did trash your apartment. I’ll keep you safe, I promise.”

“Is that your job, to keep me safe?”

“If you have put your trust in me, as you have so many times

now, you need to trust I will protect you. I am so sorry I’ve not done

that.”

She was so sincere I felt like crying. I loved being a damsel in

distress, as silly as it seemed. I hoped Snidely Whiplash would burst

through the door so they could fight over me.

“I feel completely safe with you. I trust you, and I don’t expect

you to know things you can’t know. But what do you think about

Kevin and Heather?”

“I don’t know. I think we should go down and keep an eye on

them. Are you ready?”

We went downstairs arm in arm.

• 121 •

lesley Gowan

This was the first dungeon I’d seen in person. My Internet

searches had been extensive, so I’d seen the variety within the

fairly narrow scope of possibilities. Short of recreating a medieval

version with dripping walls and stained flooring, a dungeon was

just a basement version of Jeanne’s fully equipped playroom on the

second floor of her house. As we reached the bottom of the stairs

a short hallway brought us into a large room already teeming with

activity. It was twice the size of the room in the city house with

twice the equipment. A sling was only one of the many things

hanging from the ceiling—slings, swings, chains, ropes, pulleys.

On the walls were fixtures where submissives could be chained up

in countless configurations. Benches, crosses, frames, and horses

were placed in different areas of the room, and a good number of

them were occupied. Jeanne held me close by the collar as we took

a seat on a sofa near the bar area of the room. Unbelievably, Mrs.

Kirchberger was tending bar. Did this woman never get a moment

off? I vowed to bring this up with Jeanne when next I was allowed

to ask a question. Mrs. K. poured us some wine.

Straight in front of us was Denise strapped to a bench about to

be spanked with a wooden paddle by one of the older doms in the

group, a gray-haired, stunningly beautiful woman. She had several

paddles to choose from arrayed on Denise’s back. When she saw us

sit, she brandished one of the paddles.

“What do you think, Jeanne? The traditional wooden?” She

picked up another. “Or the leather studded one?”

Denise did not crane her neck around to see what was being

discussed, but kept her eyes to the floor. I found that impressive.

“I think you know which one you want to use,” Jeanne said.

The woman grinned. “You’re right.” She tossed the wooden

paddle aside and stepped behind Denise. She spent a few minutes

rubbing Denise’s ass, moving down and up her thighs, reaching under

and feeling her sex. Denise expelled a breath and Terry dried her wet

finger on Denise’s flank. Then she stepped back and brought the

paddle down, the slap loud in the already noisy room. There seemed

to be a slight hesitation, almost like the delay in a sonic boom, and

then Denise cried out as the sting of the blow caught up to her. From

• 122 •

The ColleCTors

then on I would be hard-pressed to match her cries to Terry’s blows.

They both came rapidly and were soon all mixed up together. Welts

in the form of dots and lines appeared all over Denise’s ass, and

soon Terry stopped to give her a break. She soothed her ass cheeks

with her hand, checked on the state of Denise’s excitement (she was

dripping), and started up again. I was mesmerized.

Jeanne suddenly took my collar and pulled me down to my

knees, between her legs. I was surprised to see her yank her pants

off and pull my head to her, surprised she wanted relief so early

in the evening. My experience with her so far, with a few notable

exceptions, was she built up excitement for quite a long while before

allowing herself an orgasm. I dove eagerly in, for going down on

Jeanne was my greatest pleasure, my strongest connection to her.

I could feel every need of hers in the tip of my tongue. It was as

simple as feeling the most powerful person in your life become the

most vulnerable.

I took my time and tried to give her the most pleasure I could,

but soon she wouldn’t wait. I was drenched by her wetness and her

thighs were trembling. She gripped my head to her as she moved

to meet my tongue, to simply use my tongue, and when she came

she sounded like she was swallowing a scream. She held my head

against her thigh as we caught our breath. I felt as if we were alone

in the room, but when I opened my eyes I saw Heather about fifteen

feet away from me. She was on her hands and knees being fucked

by one of the doms, and she was staring straight at me. If you just

looked at her face you wouldn’t know she was being vigorously

rogered by a very muscular looking dominant. Her face was set

in an expression I can only describe as hate. It was unsettling. I

looked up at Jeanne to call her attention to it, but Heather was in full

submissive mode a moment later, her eyes facing the floor.

I was moving back onto the sofa when Kevin came up to us. I

glanced back at Heather and she saw Kevin approach me. She was

still getting it from behind and not free to meddle.

“Jeanne,” Kevin said.

“Kevin.”

“I’d like some time with your lady.”

• 123 •

lesley Gowan

I felt a little sick. I saw a cane hanging from Kevin’s belt, and

Kevin had the singular ability to make the things that excite me

seem frightening. I moved a little closer to Jeanne.

“I’m sorry, Kevin. I’ve promised Laura to Pat next. We’re just

waiting for her to finish up.”

All of us looked across the room where Pat had a woman

stretched out against the wall, chained at the ankles and wrists. She

was putting clamps on her nipples and had a pile of equipment at her

feet. It looked like she was just getting started. Kevin turned back

to Jeanne.

“I’d say there’s plenty of time. I’ll be quick.”

I tried to hide the shudder down my spine.

“I’m sorry. There’s really not. I’d like to keep company with

Laura until Pat is ready for her. But thank you for asking for her. I

appreciate your interest.”

Kevin stared at her for a bit before turning and walking away.

Jeanne held a neutral look on her face, as if she and Kevin had just

set a date for tennis. She pushed me down to the floor again so I’d

be kneeling at her feet. I glanced over at Heather on my way down

and saw her looking over to Kevin, slightly exasperated. Now my

guess was she’d instructed Kevin to give me the tanning of my life,

and once again Kevin had failed her. I almost felt sorry for Kevin.

Jeanne managed our movements over the rest of the evening

so it seemed she was generously sharing me, but I was never far

from her side. We had a three-way with the other new girl, which

was delicious. When Pat was finally free, Jeanne handed me over

to her and watched as Pat put me in the sling and gave me a long,

slow fucking. Pat had smoldering eyes and a very earnest approach.

If Jeanne didn’t have such a powerful effect on me I could become

very attached to Pat. And I sensed the feeling was mutual.

When Jeanne saw Kevin was occupied with someone else and

wouldn’t try to interrupt, she gave Murphy her chance to make me

scream. She accomplished this quite handily by caning me fore and

aft while I hung straight up and down from a hook in the ceiling.

Even though Murphy seemed to be a friend of Kevin’s, I was able

to disassociate them while I hung there, finding myself slipping into

• 124 •

The ColleCTors

a feeling of acceptance and excitement, the one following the other,

over and over as the cane made thin stripes on my skin. I was trying

to be quiet, but it’s impossible with the cane. I don’t think it can

be done. And I don’t think it should be. As I cried out I felt yet

another level of freedom and thought I must be a beautiful sight.

I understood the riveted looks on the faces around me, especially

Jeanne’s. I wondered at the change that had overtaken me in such a

short time, the journey from shame over who I am to whatever this

feeling was—pride, freedom, love.

When Murphy took me down and handed me back, Jeanne

excused us for the evening and we went up to her suite on the top

floor of the house. We sat by a fire in the sitting room that was cheerfully ablaze when we entered, courtesy of Mrs. Kirchberger,

no doubt.

“Thank you for staying close,” I said. I was sitting next to her

on the sofa, leaning against her. “I know there were other things you

might have been doing if you weren’t watching over me.”

Jeanne had her arm around me, but she was staring into the fire.

“I don’t care about that.”

She did care about something. The furrow on her brow was

deep, a tip off to me she was unhappy. She moved over to the fire

and started poking at it.

“There’s something going on in the group, and I wouldn’t have

even noticed it had you not told me about Kevin and Heather.”

“And Adele.”

“Especially Adele. But Adele was asked to leave the group.

She should not be a consideration at all regarding what goes on

here during a society meeting. That she exercises some influence on

present members concerns me.”

I sat quietly and watched Jeanne mull things over. I’d hardly

presume to understand how things normally worked among this

group of people. I did know, though, there is inevitable conflict

within any group.

“I’m not naïve,” Jeanne said. “I know not all of the doms

are crazy about my leadership. But I hadn’t sensed any organized

dissention before this.”

• 125 •

lesley Gowan

“I don’t think Kevin and Heather rises to the level of dissension,

does it?”

“It’s more than just Kevin among the doms. I could see the

various conversations taking place tonight. Doms putting their

heads together and nodding in agreement, as if the time had come to

storm the Bastille.”

I didn’t dare respond. I figured she was just thinking out loud.

“Do I sound paranoid?” She returned to my side. “I’ve always

been the head of this organization. It’s never occurred to me I

wouldn’t be.”

“Try not to worry about it tonight. Why don’t we just go to

sleep and let the thoughts and feelings settle a bit? You’ll feel better.”

I was running my fingers through her hair in a feeble attempt

to soothe her. She turned her eyes upon me and I could see the fire

in them. In a flash she flipped me over so I was facedown, on my

knees. My robe was an easy thing to get rid of. She spread my legs

as far apart as she could and pushed my face down into a pillow,

holding it there.

“I’ll feel better when I decide to feel better. Do you understand

that?”I tried to nod, but she had a firm hold on my head. With her

other hand she began slapping my ass, which was plenty sore from

the caning I’d gotten not an hour earlier.

“I don’t need a sub to tell me about my ‘feelings.’”

Slap.

“Or to help me assess the politics in my organization.”

Slap.

“Or to make me feel guilty.”

Slap.

Her hand found my pussy, feeling inside for moisture and

finding plenty of it there. She got her fingers slicked up and then

started to work two of them into my ass. Despite all of her efforts

over the previous weeks to stretch my opening through long hours of

dildo wearing, the feeling was still uncomfortable. Uncomfortable

and profoundly exciting. She fucked me for a long time, and not

particularly gently.

• 126 •

The ColleCTors

“You won’t forget who’s in charge, will you?”

“No.”

“Or who you will be pledged to obey, absolutely?”

“I will not forget, even for a moment.”

We rocked together for what seemed an eternity, until finally she

pulled out and flipped me over again, onto my back, and straddled

my face, pushing her wet pussy onto my tongue, riding me to a

quick and furious orgasm.

I lay under her, exhausted and a bit cautious. Jeanne got off me

and walked toward the bedroom.

“I’m going to sleep,” she said. “You can join me if you want

to.”

I did, but nothing more was said between us. I slept like a stone.

• 127 •

• 128 •

The ColleCTors

ChapTer eiGhT—The voTe

Jeanne was gone from her rooms when I woke up the

following morning. My body was sore from the caning, the

spanking, the ass fucking, the various contortions it had been tied

into. I slipped on a T-shirt and went into the sitting room. There

was a thermos of coffee and a plate of rolls on the coffee table. As I

picked up the thermos I saw a note from Jeanne.

Off to take care of business today, may not see you before

the evening’s events. Stay close to the house. Call Pat with any questions/concerns.

I had no idea what she meant by business, but I was fine with

the idea of spending the day in her comfortable rooms, soaking in a

tub, napping, and maybe, just for the novelty of it, doing some work

on my dissertation. I was growing seriously behind schedule. When

I grew restless mid-afternoon, I went down to the beach, thinking a

brisk walk would feel good. But it was cold and windy and spitting

rain. I came right back up and pulled the covers over my head.

At four, I went to the west wing for the pre-evening rituals with

my fellow subs, only to find the spa empty except for Veronica and

Nan, the other initiate. They were drinking tea in the kitchen area.

“Where is everyone?” I asked.

“It’s just the two of you here with me,” Veronica said. “The

other women will get ready in their rooms. Tonight’s all about the

women being initiated. The doms won’t be touching anyone else

until after the ceremony.”

• 129 •

lesley Gowan

Nan and I exchanged looks. I could tell she was tired from last

night too. I suppose that’s why it was called an initiation. It was

some kind of test of endurance.

There was nothing different about our preparations from the

night before, and soon we were made up, robed, clean as a whistle

and sitting around waiting for our escorts. The doms that sponsor us

were to pick us up at six and escort us in for the cocktail hour. Jeanne

was prompt and I took her arm as we walked the long hallway from

the west wing.

“Did you have a busy day?” I asked.

“I would call it productive. But we have other things to talk

about right now. Tonight, you will be given an oath to swear to, and

I want to explain it to you so you have time to think about it.”

“But not too much time.”

Jeanne looked at me.

“I mean, I’m going to be taking an oath in an hour or so and

you’re telling me what I’ll be swearing to now. That’s not much

time.”

“Do you have some doubts on the matter?”

“No. I’m just observing. Never mind.” This wasn’t how I meant

to start out our evening. I got into trouble every time I was on my

way into a group setting with Jeanne.

“The oath states you will honor the confidentiality of the

Society’s membership, you will never speak of its procedures and

practices to anyone not a member of the Society, you will treat

all members with respect and courtesy, and in the case of your

interaction with dominants, you will obey them when you are

asked to do something. By swearing the oath, you are granting your

consent and placing your trust in the dominants of this Society.

To your sponsoring dominant you will swear absolute loyalty and

obedience. Do you understand?”

“Yes.”

“Is any of that problematic?”

“No, not at all.”

We were at the door to the main gathering room and it looked

like most everyone had arrived. Heads turned our way, and the

• 130 •

The ColleCTors

feeling wasn’t completely one of welcome. Denise and Pat and

many others I’d started to feel a friendship with acted genuinely

glad to see me arrive with Jeanne. But there were others, Kevin

and Heather first among them, who seemed to release a toxin in

the air when we walked in the room. It wasn’t the best atmosphere

for a newcomer on her initiation night, but I didn’t dare bring up

my caution with Jeanne. Before we started to mingle with others,

Jeanne leaned in and spoke softly in my ear.

“I’ll be watching after you tonight. Don’t worry about anything.

But try to endure what you can. The initiation is meant to be intense.

You might mistake it with something else, some ill intent from a

member. It won’t be. Initiation can feel like punishment. But then,

you have an extraordinary liking for punishment. It probably won’t

make you think twice.”

If this was meant to be comforting, Jeanne had fallen short. But

I had to trust her. I’d trusted her so far.

As we waded into the room I saw the other submissives were

wearing dresses and heels, and that Nan and I were the only ones in

robes. And it wasn’t just the doms who were reaching in our robes

to take a breast or butt cheek in hand. The submissives seemed to

get a real kick out of it, and it had the disarming effect of making

me feel more like an object than when the doms helped themselves.

I was hoping to make the emotional slip into my sub space, the state

of mind where feeling humble would be a step up. Where the ego is

completely dissolved and the only feeling left is sensation. Where

I found the deepest relaxation possible, the deepest peace. But that

journey seemed to be longer than usual.

At the dinner table there was a lot of talk about the delicious

meal, but for Nan and me it was an hour of crawling around at the

end of a short leash held by a submissive. Occasionally, a dom

would ask us to stop and then I would be fed a tidbit from a plate,

sometimes having to take the food off the plate with my mouth. I

didn’t take much notice of how it tasted. Other times, I would be

stopped and a dom would check out the state of my pussy, which

was wet despite my nervousness. I think even the other submissives

were impressed.

• 131 •

lesley Gowan

As dinner came to a close, I found myself kneeling next to

Jeanne’s chair at the head of the table. She rose to speak.

“If everyone’s ready, we will excuse the submissives and begin

our vote on the membership for Laura and Nan. You’ve all gotten

a chance to get to know them over the weekend, so you know how

privileged we are they’ve agreed to apply for membership. They

will be, in my opinion, wonderful additions to our organization.

Ladies, if you’ll take yourselves back to the west wing, we’ll send

someone in to get you when the voting is completed.”

The submissives moved as one out of the dining room and back

to our headquarters in the west wing. As we sat in the living room

waiting, the women teased Nan and I about what we had in store for

us that night.

“Don’t plan on walking much tomorrow,” one said.

“No, walking and sitting are going to be a little difficult,” said

another.

“If I’m not walking and I’m not sitting, what am I supposed to

be doing with myself?” Nan asked.

“Kneeling?” Denise said, and everyone roared. It was kind of

funny, but not that funny. Still, I appreciated it was good-natured.

I could feel Heather’s stare on me, and I started to wonder what

her problem was. Was she so devoted to Adele as a friend she was

willing to focus her venom on me this whole weekend? There had

to be more to it than that. I walked across the room and sat next to

her. She looked surprised.

“What can I do to make things a little easier between us?” I

said. I took a conflict resolution class as an undergraduate, but this

opening line was about all I remembered from it.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said. She was

staring at her hands.

“Really? Ever since you first saw me you’ve been shooting

daggers at me. I guess because you’re friends with Adele and she’s

been asked to leave the Society by Jeanne, who is the one bringing

me in. I get that.”

“You don’t get shit.” She was looking right at me.

“Am I wrong? Is there some other reason you’ve been so nasty?”

• 132 •

The ColleCTors

“Nasty is as nasty does. Bitch.”

I felt for a second as if I’d been transported to the Jerry

Springer Show and was about to be thrown down by my baby

daddy’s girlfriend. I didn’t understand Heather, and I was starting

to get pissed off.

“Okay. I’m going to walk away before we start rolling around

on the floor scratching each other’s eyes out. I sure don’t get what

I’ve done to you, but you’re going to have to get over it. I’m going

to be around.”

As I turned to leave I heard her say, “No you’re not.”

“What?”

Heather had a smug smile on her face as she sat in her chair

and picked up a glass of wine. I was about to question her when

Veronica came into the room.

“Listen up,” she said, as everyone turned their attention to her.

“The voting is complete and they are waiting for us downstairs.

Nan, will you come forward?”

Nan looked a little confused, but went to stand in front of

Veronica while the rest of the women started to line up behind her.

“Wait a minute,” I said, walking up to stand next to Nan. “Don’t

forget me.”

Veronica looked stricken. “I’m not forgetting you, Laura. But

you have to stay here. You’ve been blackballed.”

The others gasped. My jaw dropped open, but nothing came

out of my mouth. All I could think about was Jeanne and what this

meant to her. I bolted toward the door.

“Wait!” Veronica cried. “You can’t go out there.”

I was already out the door, running down the long hallway

toward the main house to find Jeanne. I saw Pat enter the hallway.

She grabbed me as I tried to race by her. My robe was open in front,

the tie having come loose during my sprint. Pat took me by the

elbow and into a nearby room. I could hear the submissives starting

to move down the hallway on their way to the basement dungeon.

“What the hell is going on?” I asked. I was gripping Pat’s arm.

“Jesus, I don’t know. Revolution, I guess. The vote came in

unanimously for Nan, and blackballed for you. Jeanne asked for

• 133 •

lesley Gowan

an open vote and it turned out there were five voting against you. It

wasn’t just Kevin.”

“Oh, god. That’s really not a vote against me, is it?”

“No. Definitely not. They were voting against Jeanne and she

knew it.”

“Where is she? I have to go to her.”

Pat tied my robe and adjusted it at my shoulders. “I don’t know.

She ran out of the room after the vote. I was just going out to look

for her.”

“I’m going too. Let’s split up. I’ll go to the boat house; you go

toward the barn.”

Pat handed me a flashlight and we went out a side door, away

from where the others could see us. I didn’t know if all the other doms

were downstairs, or whether some of them were out there looking

for Jeanne also. I wished I had something more than slippers, a robe,

and a flashlight. Maybe a pitchfork. Isn’t that what they carry during

revolutions?

My search didn’t take long. As soon as I entered the boat house,

even before I turned the flashlight on her, I could feel Jeanne’s

presence. She was sitting behind the steering wheel, her hand resting

on top of it as if she were lazily guiding the boat through open water.

“That didn’t take long,” she said.

“You don’t sound surprised to see me.”

“I’m not. Mrs. Kirchberger is on the roof and she texted me

you were approaching.” She pointed at her phone sitting on her lap.

“Mrs. Kirchberger is on the roof?”

“I can’t ever seem to shake her. I’ve just grown to live with it.”

I stared at her. Jeanne’s life was bizarre. It was fully dawning on

me how different everything was in her world. It was also dawning

on me how lonely she was.

“She has your back, that’s for certain,” I said. I climbed into the

boat and sat next to her. “What will she do if someone unfriendly

approaches?”

“Depends. If they look threatening, I imagine she’ll pick them

off with her rifle.”

“Now you’re pulling my leg.”

• 134 •

The ColleCTors

“Am I? We’ll see.”

We sat quietly for a bit.

“Are you mad about me not making it into the membership?”

Jeanne looked at me in dismay. “I’m not mad at you, for heaven’s

sake. No one would ever imagine you would be blackballed. This

doesn’t have anything to do with you.” She took her jacket off and

gave it to me. I was freezing in my silk robe.

“It’s hard not to take it personally. I understand it was more

than one vote against me.”

“That’s why I know it’s not just someone’s jealousy or

quirk. There’s no reason multiple people would be against your

membership. This has to do with me.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s what I spent the day trying to find out, with only a bit of

success. It looks like there’s a group who think the Society should

be run along democratic principles, its rules should be formulated

by committee, and on and on like that.”

I was quiet again. It was hard to argue with what the dissenters

were asking. Most organizations in this country would follow that

model.

“What do you think?” I asked.

Jeanne had the good sense to smile. “It never even entered my

mind. To tell you the truth, I started this group and just made things

up along the way. It all seemed to work fine—until it didn’t. Maybe

I’m not a democratic sort.”

“Still, they could have talked to you about it before blackballing

me. What are we going to do now?”

Jeanne pulled me on to her lap. “I think you and I will just

sneak up to our rooms and have our own fun. I’ll figure out what to

say to everyone during the meeting tomorrow.”

She nuzzled me for a bit before we climbed out of the boat. As

we walked up to the house I looked back and saw a figure in black

climbing down the ladder from the boat house roof. It looked like

Mrs. K. actually did have a rifle in her hands. I bet she could field-

strip a six-point buck and have the steaks on the grill that night.

And it struck me like a bolt that the other thing Mrs. K. couldn’t do

• 135 •

lesley Gowan

without a tongue was taste food, a horror I hadn’t even considered

before. She was largely incomprehensible to me.

I also couldn’t help but marvel at how well Jeanne seemed to

be taking this rebuff by her fellow doms. I knew she was used to

having her own way.

“Are you upset?” I asked.

Jeanne took my hand when we reached the top of the stairs and

walked across the lawn toward the brightly lit house. “Strangely, I’m

not. I don’t get it, really. I’ve given this organization everything—

my time, my money, my best thinking, my property. And when the

vote was returned it felt like I’d been kicked in the teeth. But then I

thought about how a lot of things have happened lately that seemed

to be telling me I might not be as in charge of things as I thought.”

“Like what?”

“Like this little coup d’état. Like losing a couple of bids on

paintings I’ve planned a long time to buy and was sure I would get

for exactly what I wanted to pay for them.”

She stopped walking and turned toward me.

“But the thing that has rattled my cage more than anything else

is you.”

I bit my tongue. There were so many ways I could fuck things

up. I kept quiet.

“You’re the first true submissive I’ve ever fallen in love with.”

I gasped a little, but still didn’t speak.

“And the more I fall in love, the more I find your submission

the most thrilling I’ve experienced in my life, and your participation

in my life the most fulfilling. I call all the shots, but somehow I am

aware it’s because you allow me to, and the shots I call seem to all

have your wishes taken into consideration. It’s all very different.”

“And that’s unsettling to you?” I asked.

“Deeply.”

“We can be discombobulated together. I’m discovering a new

me since I started spending time with you and it’s exhausting. I

know I’m in love with you, a whole new and different sort of love.”

She got a scared look in her eye again, so foreign in Jeanne.

She started walking again.

• 136 •

The ColleCTors

“Are you going to freak out every time I tell you how I feel

about you?” I asked. “You can tell me not to do it.”

“No. That’s not it. Just don’t expect me to get all lovey-dovey.”

“I won’t.”

She stopped again. “Let’s go home. Tonight. Mrs. K. can stay

and see the rest of the group doesn’t trash the house or anything.

Pat will be here. I think I just want to be with you. For right now,

anyway.”

We walked into the house and slipped up the stairs. We couldn’t

hear what was going on downstairs in the dungeon, but my mind’s

eye had a good look. I hoped it wouldn’t be too long before Jeanne

mended fences with the Society and we were welcomed back in.

Somehow, I knew it wouldn’t be. But for right now, just the two of

us together was more than enough.

• 137 •

About the Author

Lesley Gowan has published several novels and many stories under

a different name and in a different genre. This is her first book length

work of erotica. She can be contacted at lesleygowan@gmail.com.

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of the syndicated show Haunted California and owner of Danzig

Paranormal Investigations, has been able to see and talk to the dead

since he was a small boy, but when he gets too close to a psychotic

spirit, all hell breaks loose. (978-1-60282-186-6)

The Long Way Home by Rachel Spangler. They say you can’t go

home again, but Raine St. James doesn’t know why anyone would

want to. When she is forced to accept a job in the town she’s been

publicly bashing for the last decade, she has to face down old hurts

and the woman she left behind. (978-1-60282-178-1)

Water Mark by J.M. Redmann. PI Micky Knight’s professional

and personal lives are torn asunder by Katrina and its aftermath. She

needs to solve a murder and recapture the woman she lost—while

struggling to simply survive in a world gone mad. (978-1-60282-

179-8)

Picture Imperfect by Lea Santos. Young love doesn’t always

stand the test of time, but Deanne is determined to get her marriage

to childhood sweetheart Paloma back on the road to happily ever

after, by way of Memory Lane—and Lover’s Lane. (978-1-60282-

180-4)

The Perfect Family by Kathryn Shay. A mother and her gay son

stand hand in hand as the storms of change engulf their perfect

family and the life they knew. (978-1-60282-181-1)

Raven Mask by Winter Pennington. Preternatural Private

Investigator (and closeted werewolf) Kassandra Lyall needs to

solve a murder and protect her Vampire lover Lenorre, Countess

Vampire of Oklahoma—all while fending off the advances of the

local werewolf alpha female. (978-1-60282-182-8)

The Devil be Damned by Ali Vali. The fourth book in the best-

selling Cain Casey Devil series. (978-1-60282-159-0)

Table of Contents

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