I FOUND MY HEART IN SAN FRANCISCO

BOOK 1:

AWAKENINGS

By S X Meagher

*****

Disclaimers:

None needed, since this is an Uber story. The characters in this story come from my imagination and belong to the author. But if anyone in the legal department of MCA/Universal is looking for similarities between this story and a certain syndicated show, rest assured that no monetary gain will result from its publication. However, if anyone would like to offer me a hefty advance, please disclaim the disclaimer.

Sex/Love: I never have and I never will disclaim either love or sex. I’m overly fond of both but if you aren’t, look elsewhere. I should mention that a few graphic depictions of sex between members of the opposite sex are included but my characters quickly come to their senses and abandon their attempts to be heterosexual.

Graphic Language: My characters occasionally curse like they have Tourette’s syndrome. I’ve tried to make them sound like real humans and sometimes you just have to say ‘what the f—k?’, and they use the actual terms for all of the organs of the body, including the fun parts.

Continuing Story/Serial Warning: This is the first story of a looooong series. A new book will be published every other month until I run out of ideas or my girlfriend confiscates my laptop. I’m naming each of the books sequentially for the letters of the alphabet. If you can think of a hot story title that begins with Z, please let me know (I’m not really that far along yet).

Feedback: I’m consumed by self-criticism; therefore only positive feedback will be read. If you enjoyed the story please stroke my fragile ego, if not, flush it from your memory bank and move on. You can email me at sx_meagher@mindspring.com

Acknowledgments: Primarily to my lover/proofreader/editor/publicist Carrie. Without her support, enthusiastic praise, and tireless patience this book would not exist ń and I doubt that I would, either.

I was inspired to create this work by the plethora of talented writers in the Xenaverse. I’ve read hundreds of stories but the following writers have been particularly inspiring (in alpha order):

NeNe Adams; Sharon Bowers; Vivian Darkbloom; DJWP; Melissa Good; L.N. James; Journs; Katrina; B.L. Miller; Tonya Muir; C. Paradee; Penumbra; Della Street, and SwordnQuill.

*****

AWAKENINGS

Chapter 1

She grabbed the first shirt that caught her eye. In a casual move she slipped it on over the tank top she wore. The small blonde shop owner noticed that she did not look in a mirror to determine her satisfaction with the garment. It seemed as though she had an internal mirror to gauge her appearance. She stood for a moment or two until a look of pleasure overtook her handsome face. The shop owner met her glance as she made her way toward her beautiful customer.

“Is there something I can help you with?” she asked, hoping to engage this woman in at least a conversation.

“Yeah, I think I’ll take this shirt,” she indicated, passing her strong hands down her torso. “Do you think it suits me?” she asked with a twinkle in her clear blue eyes.

“It definitely suits you, but then, so would just about anything I sell,” the golden haired woman replied, openly admiring the statuesque woman.

“That’s the nicest compliment I’ve had all day,” she drawled as a smile twitched her lips.

“It’s only 11:00 o’clock,” she playfully responded. “I’ll bet that you’ll have more than you can handle by nightfall.”

Wow, she really wants to play. Well, I’m always up for a game…let’s see how far she’ll go.

“Would you like to spend some of the day with me to help me fight off all of the compliments being hurled my way?” she asked with a wolfish grin.

“I would,” the shop owner stated hesitantly, as she darted a glance around the store, “but I don’t have any other help today, and I’m open till nine tonight.”

“Hmm, that is late,” the dark haired customer agreed with a regretful shake of her head. Her perfectly shaped eyebrows knit together for a moment and then her features broke into a sly grin. “How do you stop for lunch or a break?” she asked smoothly.

“When business is slow I can just lock up for a little while.” She blushed a bit as the implications of this thought and the knowing grin of her pursuer hit her.

“I haven’t seen another soul come in since I’ve been here,” the dark woman said with a gaze that locked on green eyes.

“I’m not sure I would have noticed if someone had,” she replied, feeling just a little weak in the knees. She was astonished at her open flirting with this woman. This was generally not something that she did, but something about this woman called to her and she was unable to control the responses coming from her mouth or her body.

“If you were to take a little break to nibble on something where would you go?” blue eyes darkening with open desire.

Her dry mouth squeaked out, “I have a little office with a couch in the back of the store,” and she felt her hand point weakly at a door in the rear of the building.

“I’ll be right back,” soothed the stranger, as she made her way with confident strides to the front of the store. She glanced at the door and spotted a sign that mimicked a clock that read ‘Will Return In’ with little blue plastic clock hands. She moved the hands to noon, turned the sign around and slapped the bolt on the door in place. She was back at the small woman’s side before the shop owner could take a step in either direction. The dark woman gently clasped her small hand in her own powerful one and guided her to the office.

In less than the beat of a heart, she found herself sprawled against the worn dark leather of her couch, responding with ferocity to the caresses of her beautiful customer. The intensity of the touch and the powerful aura that radiated from this woman were truly overwhelming. She felt completely powerless to slow the pace or collect her scattered thoughts. She knew that this was very much unlike her, but she had no desire to stop the relentless assault to her senses. There was a fire within this woman and she needed to dive into the conflagration.

She felt her clothing being gently removed…first her deep red French cut t-shirt, then her short black skirt. Both were tossed casually to the floor. She shivered a little at the coolness of the leather on her bare skin. The strong hands moved over her body rubbing her breasts through the lace of her bra. Then they slowly glided over her grinding hips to caress her curves through her silky panties. Those practiced hands then removed even these barriers to those fierce blue eyes and warm wet lips.

Those lips descended on the small woman with a burning fire that ratcheted her desire up several notches. She craved more contact. She wrapped her fingers in the onyx tresses and ground the woman’s mouth to her breasts, arching into the sensation. Reluctantly, she released her grasp when she felt the head sliding down her abdomen. She raised her legs and slid them around the powerful shoulders that paused above her for just a moment. She looked beseechingly at those clear blue eyes and uttered the only word that would tumble from her lips, “Please.” She was met with a wide smile and a look of quiet pleasure from those beautiful orbs. The dark head dipped and tasted her passion, which flowed from her like lava, burning in its intensity. She gasped and tried to vocalize her pleasure, but was unable to utter more than a low growl. That tortured sound was met by an even lower growl that sounded like the contented murmurings of a panther over its kill.

She thrust her hips at the mouth that covered her, watching with half-closed eyes as the dark head moved slowly between her legs. Long, blissful moments passed as she allowed herself to be completely consumed. But after too short a time she felt herself go rigid for a split second as she teetered on the edge of climax. One firm, wet kiss and she plummeted over, completely unable to hold back any longer. She grunted out her pleasure as she grabbed the dark head and pressed it against herself firmly. Finally she felt the mouth slowly still. She rested for a moment and then felt delicate kisses begin to tenderly remove the traces of her passion. Her legs relaxed and she was finally able to speak. “That was wonderful,” she languidly enthused to the dark head still nestled between her legs. The head tilted up and rested on her abdomen, smiling at her with twinkling eyes.

“You did seem to enjoy it,” the dancing beautiful blue eyes responded with a chuckle.

“Let me return the favor,” the small woman huskily responded as she reached up to unbutton the new shirt.

“I wish we had time, but it’s almost noon,” the dark woman said with obvious regret. “The buying public is probably lined up outside your door. Remember, I did promise to only keep you for a little nibble.”

“There are plenty of other clothing stores on Telegraph Avenue,” the golden haired woman responded lazily from her still blissful languor.

“Yes, but none of the others have the great customer service that you offer,” the dark woman teased. She was rising from the floor and straightening her clothing as she responded.

“Are you really leaving?” the small woman said with genuine surprise. “But…don’t you…I want to please you too,” she begged.

“You already did,” said the smiling blue eyes. “I am glad I decided to buy this shirt, however,” she indicated the rumpled garment with the wet marks gracing the placket. “The ah…design might not appeal to all of your customers,” she stated with a quirky grin that lit up her face. “Although I think it will become one of my favorites,” she added with a twinkle in those clear blue eyes. “Which reminds me, what do I owe you?”

“I should pay you for that little lunch break,” she said sheepishly. “Please consider it a small thank you gift.”

“Okay, but next time I’ll try not to damage the merchandise before I’ve paid for it,” she said with another twinkle.

“Will there be a next time?” the honey haired woman asked tentatively.

She was met with a confident leer, “Count on it.” Then the tall woman turned and started for the exit, giving her one last dazzling grin as she paused at the door, and was gone.

The small woman straightened her clothing and made herself as presentable as possible. She floated dreamily out of the office and walked behind the counter. Resting neatly on the glass surface were two twenty-dollar bills and a note that read, “Thanks for the nibble. You made my day.”

***

I hope I didn’t make a mistake in taking this class. I’m just afraid I’ll stick out like a sore thumb. And what I should wear? I really don’t want to look too straight…hmm

“Ohh, that feels really good sweetheart,” Jamie murmured into Jack’s ear. But as soon as the words left her lips she regretted her statement. In his defense, Jack was nothing if not receptive to instructions. Regrettably, he took them a bit too seriously. He seemed to reason that if something felt good, he should continue to do it until he was bodily forced to stop.

“That’s a little too much, Jack.” Jamie did her best to keep the edge out of her voice. She sighed deeply and reflected that she was absolutely sure that she did not have instructions printed on her stomach but Jack acted as though he was following some kind of script. He was tender and sweet and very attentive. But he had no spontaneity…no intuitive sense of how to please her.

He went back to his usual routine and Jamie fell back into her reverie. I can always drop the damn class if I feel too uncomfortable. It’s really no big deal.

Jack was close now and she whispered words of love into his ear to hasten his climax. She loved his ears…they were perfectly shaped and had just a light covering of downy blonde hair on them. When he was excited they glowed with an attractive blush that Jamie found irresistible.

He threw his head back as his eyes became glassy and unfocused. He spent his release into her as she rubbed his back and murmured into his pink ear. After a moment as his breathing slowed he looked at her with concern in his deep blue eyes, “You didn’t finish, did you?”

“That’s okay, Honey, you can get me twice tomorrow,” she said with a sweet smile. “You look so tired, Love, put your head down here,” she said as she patted her chest. He looked as though he wanted to argue, but she was gently tracing patterns on his back and he quickly lost his will to insist. He rested his sandy blonde head on her breast and was asleep in moments.

She regarded his attractive tanned face with loving eyes. I am so lucky to have him, she thought. He tries so hard to please me. Not many men would be so concerned with my pleasure. I just wish I knew how to explain how I like to be touched. She lightly ran her fingers through the damp hair covering his forehead. I just wish I could relax about the whole thing, she thought. I’m only 20 years old and they say most women don’t hit their sexual peak until they’re in their 40’s. Jack shifted a bit and nestled his head into her neck. Well, that thought really helped, she groused. I’ll just wait 20 years to feel hot.

Jack had turned 24 just the week before, the same day he had gone back to Stanford for his third year of law school. Their relationship had reached this stage of intimacy quite recently. Jamie’s friends had teasingly called her the “last attractive virgin in California,” for the past 4 years. But when Jamie made up her mind about something, it was tough to change it. She had decided when she was 15 that she would not have intercourse with a man she did not love.

She steadfastly stuck to that resolve even when her hormones were on full alert. It had surprised her and shocked her friends that a guy like Jack had continued to date her for 2 years. But Jack, like Jamie, knew what he wanted and would sacrifice to get it. He was very happy when she relented at the beginning of the summer and they had consummated their love. They had spent a lot of time together during the past 3 months but Jamie continued to stay with her parents to avoid any questions about their relationship. It had been hard on Jack to see her for just a few hours a day, but he coped with the inconvenience like he did so many things.

They were both looking forward to the start of Jamie’s fall semester at Berkeley as a way to have more quality time together. They had made plans for her to come down to Palo Alto every Friday night to spend the weekend, and Jamie hoped these times together would give her some indication of what married life would be like.

As she cradled Jack’s head on her chest she reflected over the last 2 years of their relationship. When they met Jamie had just graduated from The Oaks, a private academy on the Peninsula. Much to her parents’ displeasure, she was going to attend the University of California at Berkeley. Both of her parents were Stanford alum’s and they were very much invested in having their only child attend their alma mater. But Jamie wanted to see a different side of the Bay Area. She knew that Stanford would be like continuing in high school. They same type of rich, smart kids. The same type of parties, although now in a fraternity house. She wanted to see the grittier, more vibrant side of the city that Hillsborough insulated her from.

Jamie was taken with Jack from the onset. He was working as a summer associate at her father’s law firm just getting ready for his first year of law school. She still remembered the night her father had brought him home for dinner. She took one look at the tall, well built young man and knew that her sparkling eyes were sending a clear message. Over dinner he responded with a matching level of interest and by the next weekend they went on their first date. He was tall, and well built with broad sloping shoulders and a runner’s lean frame. He had a strong face with a perennial deep tan and his deep blue eyes were framed by pale blonde lashes. His hair was thick and straight, colored a nice shade of ash blonde that lightened a bit in the summer. He wore it parted on the side and relatively short in the back. There was usually a thick shock of it hanging just a little bit in his eyes. It gave him a cute, boyish look that Jamie loved from the start.

He was such a welcome change from the boys she had known in high school. He was mature, and confident and very interested in her. But unlike her high school dates he did not seem only interested in her for sex. He wanted to build a relationship.

As she watched Jack sleep in her arms she felt a fierce well of emotion build up inside of her. I’ll try to be what you need, Jack. But I need you to be patient with me while I figure some things out.

***

Sunday morning dawned bright and clear. Jamie was up early, as was her custom. When Jack made his way into the small kitchen she was sitting at the counter drinking a large latte’ and reading the New York Times.

“Hi, sleepyhead,” she teased as their eyes met.

“Wow, I didn’t realize how tired I was,” he said sheepishly. “It’s past 8! I never sleep that late.” As he shuffled over to her she opened her arms and enveloped him in a big hug. “Maybe Dr. Jamie’s sleeping potion was too strong for you,” she murmured.

He grinned down at her as he replied, “That reminds me, I need to give you a double dose of that potion today.”

“Okay, Doc, but at the moment I would like to get you into clothes, not out of them. Remember you promised we could go to church today.”

“Oh, right,” he said as he remembered their plan. “Let me take a quick shower and we can get going. Did you want to hit the 9:00 or the 11:00 o’clock service?”

“I thought 9 o’clock and then maybe we can play a round with Daddy if he’s available,” she said.

“Sounds good, Sweetie,” he said over his shoulder as he walked into the bathroom. “Why don’t you give him a buzz?”

The day was shaping up well. Her father happily agreed to play golf, but since her mother had just returned from her month long vacation to visit her family in Newport she wanted to come along and have brunch beforehand. Gosh, I can’t believe I completely forgot that she was back this week, Jamie thought. I really should have called her on the day she came back.

***

They settled into a pew near the front of the small, Episcopal Church on the outskirts of Nob Hill. As the choir began the opening hymn they turned slightly to watch the procession. As the acolytes, the verger and the choir filed past Jamie made eye contact with a gray haired elegant looking priest. She wrinkled up her nose a bit and winked at him. He gave her a fond smile and winked back.

Charles Sloan Evans had been an Episcopal priest for nearly 40 years. He and his wife had reared a son and a 2 daughters. The eldest being Jamie’s father. Jamie had always known where her father got his sense of humor and his generally easy going nature. But as much as she loved her father, her grandfather was Jamie’s ideal of what a man should be. He was kind, warm, empathetic and very funny. Jamie spent many an hour in his study just talking about life. He seemed to understand her in a way that she doubted anyone else ever would. Her grandmother had died before Jamie was born, but her grandfather never seemed lonely. He was very dedicated to his calling and genuinely loved helping people through the trying times of their lives. Jamie knew that her grandfather was a bit disappointed in his only son. Rev. Evans felt that his son had not found his true soul mate and he was dismayed at the lack of time that he spent with his family. He felt that Jim had been lured by the money and power that his wife’s family promised. But Jim had produced this most perfect of granddaughters and for that he was eternally grateful.

After the reading of the gospel, Rev. Evans climbed to the pulpit. His deep, clear voice warmed Jamie’s heart. Few things made her happier than hearing her grandfather impart his wisdom on his congregation. His sermon spoke of love, one of his favorite themes. Jamie could not imagine attending a church where the message was sin and retribution. But even though his message was usually happy, her grandfather had a way of making even difficult topics seem uplifting and hopeful.

He spoke of love being God’s greatest gift to man and the most visible sign of His presence among us. Through love for another, humans acknowledged this gift of love from God and expressed it in concrete form. In no other way could we feel His love for us as completely. This manifestation was a gift to be cherished-not taken frivolously. Through the loving pairing of two people God dwells among them.

Jamie was thoughtful through the rest of the service. Is that how I feel?” she thought. Do my feelings for Jack reflect that peak experience? Is this the height of my expression of God’s love?

As they filed out of the church, hand in hand, Jack turned to Jamie and said, “Wasn’t that a great sermon?”

“Yes,” agreed Jamie, “it really gave me something to think about.”

“Your grandfather just expressed exactly how I feel about you Jamie,” he said with a beautiful smile on his face. Jamie felt her heart break at the look of love on Jack’s face.

She pasted a similar smile on her own face and said, “I’m very happy that you told me that Jack.” She stretched on her tiptoes as she reached up with tears in her eyes and gave him a chaste kiss. He beamed down at her and remarked, “We are two lucky people, Jamie.”

“We are that, Jack,” she agreed with a tear in her eyes.

Jack enthusiastically shook Rev. Evans hand as they exited the church. Jamie gave her grandfather a big hug that was returned with gusto. “You hit another home run, Poppa,” she teased.

“Well, when I have such an attentive audience it inspires me to swing for the fences,” he agreed. After a few minutes of banter, the couple excused themselves and made their way to the Club for brunch.

The Olympic Club was the scene of the majority of Jamie’s Sundays since she was a small child. Her parents dutifully took her to church and Sunday school but when she was old enough to drive herself, they began to find excuses for the religious part of the day. But both of her parents loved to while away the afternoon at the Club. Her father played golf while her mother chatted with her friends or sometimes played tennis. They nearly always enjoyed brunch together as a family, though. As they sat at their table overlooking the 18th green Jamie regarded them all with an appraising eye. This is exactly where I will be in 20 years, she thought. Jack and I will be with our children at a table just like this one. We will be eating the same food from the same china. Some of the waiters will still be here. We will be having the same topical conversation with the other members about our golf games and our families and our busy lives. He and I will love each other but we will not share much other than the children. His real love will be his career. Is this what I want? But if not, what do I want?

She was jolted from her musings by the crisply uniformed waiter saying, “Miss Jamie, what would you like to drink?”

“Oh, I’m sorry Harold, lemonade would be great, thank you.”

“Jamie, you seem a thousand miles away this morning,” said Jack. “Is anything wrong?”

“No, of course not,” she replied lightly. “I’m just thinking about school starting tomorrow. I guess I’m just preoccupied.”

“Do you have your pencils sharpened and a new Star Wars lunchbox?” he teased.

“I was partial to Malibu Barbie myself,” she retorted.

“I’m sure this will be a great year for you,” he reassured her as he squeezed her hand. “And for us,” he added with a confident grin.

***

Jamie made her way back to the home she shared with her roommates. She plodded along the 101 in her yellow Porsche Boxster fighting the heavy traffic. Why does every living soul have to leave the City for the weekend?” she mused. She hoped that her good friend Mia would be home. She really enjoyed spending time with her old high school buddy. Maybe she will be able to help me out of this funk, Jamie thought. But I guess I need to be sure what it is about, before anyone can help me get out of it. She just felt so–restless. Yes, she was restless…but for what? She truly did not know. She just felt unsettled. She really thought that her engagement to Jack would settle her feelings. She had thought that once this part of her life was secured, she would feel more at peace. In reality, it had made things more uncomfortable. But no matter how much thought she devoted to the problem she did not know how to rectify it. There was nothing wrong with Jack, of that she was sure. Nine tenths of the women in America would give their right arm to be with a man like him, she thought. The problem seemed to be with her. There was just something missing. There was a feeling of peace that she craved but just could not conjure up when they were together. But if she was honest with herself the peaceful feeling was not something that she experienced very often, with Jack or alone. Oh, well, I’m only 20 years old. Maybe I’m supposed to feel unsettled, she thought as she drove on through the night.

***

When Jamie announced her decision to attend Berkeley her parents had very reluctantly agreed, with the proviso that she not live on campus. They wanted her in an atmosphere closer to that of a real home and they were helped in this quest by some of Jamie’s classmates. Mia Christopher was the daughter of Adam and Anna Lisa Christopher. Adam was a partner at another prestigious law firm in San Francisco and a Stanford classmate of Jamie’s father, Jim. The families were cordial to one another but the girls mothers were not particularly close. Anna Lisa was a fiery first generation American whose family hailed from Italy, but Jamie’s mother Catherine was from a very old very wealthy W.A.S.P. lineage. The women liked one another well enough but they were far too different to feel really comfortable with one another.

Another prep school classmate, Cassie Martin also enrolled at Cal. The situation with Cassie was just the opposite from Mia. Jamie’s mother and Cassie’s mother, Laura were very good friends, but their husbands had never hit it off. Likewise, Jamie liked Cassie well enough but she had never felt particularly close to Cassie, nor had she ever truly trusted her. But their mother’s close relationship forced the girls together frequently and Jamie did not feel strongly enough to fight the situation so she went along and made the best of it.

All 3 sets of parents agreed that if the girls were to attend Cal it would be best if they lived together in a suitable home. So the three mothers got together and swept through Berkeley like a tsunami. They interviewed real estate agents and found an acceptable house within walking distance of campus. It was a large craftsman style bungalow, built in the early 1920’s. It had originally contained 3 bedrooms and one bath but through the years additions had enhanced the original layout to create more generous bedrooms and add 1 1/2 baths. All of the bedrooms and two baths were on the 2nd floor. The first floor contained a very large, airy kitchen with a powder room and a door to a small, shaded back yard, a formal dining room, a spacious parlor and a small oak paneled library. The house was truly beautiful with its generous deep front porch, original leaded glass windows and beautifully restored redwood moldings throughout. Jamie loved the house from the moment she saw it, which was lucky since neither she nor her friends were consulted on the decision. Catherine Evans had made the actual purchase of the house since she could make a purchase of that size without even noticing the dent in her bank balance. The others paid a reasonable amount of rent, and all shared utilities.

The girls’ mothers had furnished the home in a very attractive, if not luxurious style. Jamie’s mother had purchased all of the kitchen utensils since the other girls had no interest in cooking. Jamie put her hours of observing their family cook, Marta, to good use in cooking for herself and anyone else who was willing to help clean up afterward.

They got along well all through freshman year. But during that summer both Cassie and Mia obtained steady boyfriends. Mia’s new love Jason went to UCLA, but Cassie’s boyfriend Chris went to Cal. This changed the dynamic between the women and upset the balance they had created. While they did not really argue, Jamie and Mia began to grow more distant from Cassie and spend less and less time together. Even though Jack was just down the freeway at Stanford the fact that she did not often see him during the week allowed Jamie and Mia to still spend quite a bit of time together. Jamie had always liked Mia, but during this past year they had grown particularly close. Neither of them had a sister and they had begun to share the intimate secrets of their lives, creating a deep bond. Mia liked Jack and constantly teased Jamie about him. Jamie also liked Mia’s boyfriend Jason, but she saw very little of him because he was in L.A. and did not often come to the Bay Area for visits.

As Jamie pulled up to the drive she saw that Mia’s car was at home. She breathed a sigh of relief when she saw that Cassie’s car was absent. In a way it was silly for them to have 3 cars in Berkeley. They did not drive to school or use the cars much, but they came in handy for driving to the Peninsula for the occasional weekend at home.

“Hey Mia, are you here?” Jamie asked hopefully.

“Yeah, I’m upstairs,” came the reply.

“You want anything from the kitchen?” Jamie shouted back up the stairs.

“Yeah, bring me a diet anything,” Mia shouted back.

After making her brief stop in the kitchen Jamie lugged her overnight bag and two diet Sprites up the wide oak staircase. Mia was lying on her bed, her room a total mess as usual. She was inattentively watching television with a CD playing in the background. She stood in the doorway and watched her friend for a moment, looking at her usually sunny, slightly cherubic face that was now resting in a bored grimace. “Couldn’t decide?” Jamie asked, pointing at the TV and the CD player in sequence.

“I’m bored,” Mia moaned, shaking her curly mid-length medium brown hair. “I’m so glad you’re home early James,” she said as her dark brown eyes twinkled up at her friend. Jamie smiled at the nickname that Mia had bestowed on her during high school. Mia stretched languidly, pulling her 5‘4” frame to its full length. Her friend’s body resembled her own in both size and weight. Both women were quite thin, almost painfully so at times, but there was a sturdy athleticism lurking within both that had never really been tapped.

“I’m glad I’m back too, I missed you, buddy.”

“You did? Why?” Mia asked suspiciously. “Did the perfect couple have a fight?”

“No, of course not. You know we don’t fight. I just wanted to spend some time with you and get some girl talk in,” Jamie admitted a little shyly.

“What’s up James? You do look a little down,” Mia agreed.

“I don’t know, Mia. That’s my problem. I just feel restless, like I want something to happen, but I don’t know what.”

“Are things any better between the sheets with old Jack?” Mia asked with a devilish grin.

“Mia, don’t tease me,” Jamie said with a hint of irritation in her voice. She knew she should not be irritable with Mia, but she was a little unhappy about her sex life and she really didn’t like discussing it. She would never have broached the topic with Mia at all, but her friend had been sexually active since 16 and was very open and cavalier about the topic. This generally relaxed Jamie enough so that she could talk about it, something they had been doing more and more of lately.

“Hey, James, I didn’t mean to offend you. Are you okay?” she asked with real concern in her voice.

“Yeah, I’m sorry Mia. Things aren’t any better and I’m getting kind of frustrated,” she finally admitted.

“You know, Jamie, I didn’t start really enjoying sex for 3 years after I started. And it’s only been since Jason that I really love it.”

“Really?” Jamie asked, rather astounded.

“Well,” she admitted as she tossed her head. “There were parts that I always liked but I didn’t really like intercourse until Jason.”

“But that’s what is so frustrating, Mia. Before we actually had sex it was great with Jack. We would kiss and touch each other for hours. I felt so close to him. I would go home some nights and just feel like I was on fire. But since we started to, well, you know,” she blushed, “it feels so mechanical.”

“James I hate to break this to you but you are experiencing what every woman goes through when you go from teasing a guy to really doing it,” she laughed.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“When a guy can’t go all the way he has to spend all of his time doing what he thinks you want. For most women that means kissing and holding each other and touching each other. He keeps doing that until you figure, ‘This guy will really know how to make love to me.’ You finally give in and then he has all the cards. He finally gets to do what he wants and it’s payback time, baby! As little foreplay as possible, check for moisture content and then it’s time for the main event!”

Jamie looked at her with a completely shocked expression on her face.

“That look on your face says I’ve hit the penis on the head,” Mia teased.

“But Mia, why would women ever want to make love if that’s all it was?” Jamie practically cried in frustration.

“Well, girlfriend, that’s not all it ever is. If you find a guy who really loves to make love, it’s all that and then some,” she said encouragingly.

“But Mia, Jack tries soooo hard. It really bothers him if I don’t come. He attacks me like a legal brief. He believes if he works harder and smarter it’ll be great. I’ve tried to get him to relax. I have even considered faking an orgasm, but he watches me so closely I know he would know I was faking and that would really hurt him.”

“Have you tried to, ah, lend him a hand, so to speak?” Mia asked with a playful tone.

“Yes,” Jamie said as she blushed again. “But he seems to regard that as a failure on his part. I’ve tried to tell him that I’m just helping a little, but it’s hardly worth it when I see the hurt look on his face.”

“I feel for you, hon,” Mia said. “I have engaged in more bad sex acts than I can count, but it must be hard when it’s with a man you love.”

“That’s what really scares me, Mia. I’m going to spend the rest of my life with Jack. If we don’t enjoy sex now, I have no reason to believe it will be better in the future. Honestly Mia, at times I just hope he comes to bed and doesn’t want to do it,” she said sadly. “I mean, shouldn’t we just be tearing each others clothes off this early in our relationship?”

“Well, I would think so, judging from my limited experience in doing it with guys I love,” she agreed. “But don’t worry so much, James. You have a great relationship and Jack is a fantastic guy. Maybe he’s right and more hard work will help everything to work out,” she said hopefully.

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” agreed Jamie. “I mean we have only been doing it for 3 months. Maybe we just have to get used to each other a little bit more. Thanks for talking this over with me, Mia. You’re the only one I trust enough to talk about this with.”

“You’re welcome, sweetie. I hope you know you can tell me anything.”

As Jamie got ready for bed she thought over what Mia had said. Well, I’ve got the rest of my life to work on this; I guess I don’t have to be in that much of a hurry. Mia’s right. There is no reason to think this will not all work out in the end. I mean, I do have the rest of my life to make some progress on this.

***

As the class settled noisily into their seats, Professor Linda Levy scanned their faces. Not bad, she thought. At least there are 3 men.

“May I have your attention, please?” 20 mildly expectant faces gazed at her. “Welcome to Psychology 197-The Psychology of the Lesbian Experience. My name is Linda Levy. I’d like to get some housekeeping matters out of the way and then I’ll give you an overview of the class. If we have time I would like each of you to introduce yourselves. I should warn you though, that this class is very interactive. If you’re looking for a quiet place where you can sleep in the back row for 3 hours a week, you’ve come to the wrong place!”

Jamie closely regarded the professor. She was a small woman, about Jamie’s height-5‘4” or so. She was fit and trim and wore chinos with an attractive print silk blouse in shades of tan and brown. She had a warm smile and lively twinkling eyes. Her wavy chin length hair was parted on the side, and there was a sprinkling of gray in it. Jamie guessed her to be somewhere in her 40’s although she had to admit that she was not terribly good at guessing ages.

Linda walked from row to row and handed out 3x5 cards. “I would like you to give me a little personal information on these cards,” she stated. A number of giggles hit some of the women. “It’s not necessary to give me that information unless you think it is relevant,” she replied with a laugh of her own. “I suppose we should tackle that little issue right away,” she said as she perched on the end of the large wooden desk situated at the front of the room.

“I am now, and I have always been a practicing lesbian,” she said with another twinkle in her eyes. “However, lesbianism is not a pre-req for this course. I’m sure that will relieve you guys,” she said as she pointed at the 3 men sitting near one another. “This class deals with the psychological issues that may be encountered by a group of people who have in many ways been marginalized by society. We will be undertaking this survey with the eyes of scholars-…not participants. This is not a ‘How to be a lesbian’ course. You do not need to declare your sexual orientation to the rest of the class. The class usually turns out to be predominantly lesbian, but I not only welcome heterosexuals, I really encourage straight people to take the class. It is the people who are not part of the peer group who can have the biggest impact on changing societal perceptions,” she stated with conviction.

Jamie was relieved by this little explanation. I think I’m going to like this, she thought rather happily.

Linda continued, “On the cards I would like you to give me your names, phone numbers and a general idea of when you are available to do outside projects. I want to pair up class members based on their time availability to make it easier for everyone.”

The class worked on their cards for a few minutes as Linda watched. Well, they look a little less nervous now. This looks like it might be a good group.

Jamie worked on her card-neatly writing her relevant information on the white rectangle. She indicated her home number and just to be thorough she included Jack’s number with the words ‘fiancés home number’. Well, it doesn’t hurt to get that out of the way right from the start, she thought

Linda looked quickly at the cards as they were turned in. Oh, that’s cute, she said to herself as she saw Jamie’s card. It always amazes me how people get those little tidbits of information in, she thought wryly as she noted that Jamie had somehow mentioned that she possessed a fiancé. She tried to match people’s availability and was pleased that she was able to do so fairly easily. “Okay people, I’m going to write down partner names on the board. After we do our introductions you’ll be able to find each other.”

She strode to the board and began to write the 10 pairs. Jamie saw her name go up on the board next to that of Ryan O’Flaherty. Oh, great, she moaned to herself, I take a class in lesbianism and I get paired up with a guy. Well, at least he won’t assume he can hit on me, she thought hopefully. Unless he’s the type who thinks lesbians are hot, she thought suspiciously. God, Jamie, get a grip! Yesterday you were afraid of the women and today you’re disappointed that you’re with a man!

Linda returned to her perch on the front corner of the desk. “Okay, let’s get to work.” She launched into a rather lengthy speech on how the course was developed, how long she had been teaching it, and how it fit into the curriculum for psych majors.

Jamie was pleased with the way the course was organized. This could really be interesting, she thought. I know so little about lesbians-and that’s a liability in San Francisco. That’s like living in L.A. And not knowing anything about the beach!

Linda looked at her watch and noted with surprise that the 70 minutes was just about up. “I apologize for going on so long,” she said. “If you don’t mind you can try to find each other after class to meet your partner. I’ll see you all on Wednesday morning and we can discuss some of the class projects.”

Well, at least I have it easy, thought Jamie…there are only 3 guys. She approached the first and tentatively asked, “Are you Ryan?”

“Nope,” he replied, “I’m Todd.” The other two men were Demitrius and Mike. Jamie was at a loss. The rest of the class seemed to be more successful and were all busily exchanging info. As people began to drift away Jamie noticed one lone figure sitting quietly. She was idly twirling a ring on the surface of her desk and did not seem to be in any hurry to find her partner.

Jamie approached her from the back and asked, “Are you Ryan?” with a hint of exasperation in her voice.

The dark head turned and she was nonplussed to see the most dazzling white smile she thought she had ever encountered. “Well, if I wasn’t before, I am now,” the beautiful woman answered with a little tease in her voice as a terribly sexy grin lit up her face.

Jamie blushed all the way to the roots of her blonde hair. The woman unfolded herself from the desk that was obviously too small for her long frame. She extended her hand and Jamie mindlessly parroted her. “I’m Ryan O’Flaherty,” she said, flashing that smile again. Jamie knew that it was her turn to speak, but for some strange reason she felt unable to. “And you are…” Ryan cast a quick look over at the chalkboard, “Jamie Evans?”

“Oh, right, I mean yes, I’m Jamie Evans,” she heard her voice automatically respond.

“It’s good to meet you, Jamie Evans,” Ryan stated rather gravely.

Jamie knew that she should stop staring but she was unable to control herself. Ryan was probably the most beautiful woman she had even seen. She stood over 6 feet tall, with a sturdy but lean, muscular build. There was something very feminine about her body that the muscle paradoxically seemed to accentuate. Jamie guessed her jet-black hair was quite long even though it was pulled back in a ponytail and partially hidden under a backwards-black knit-driving cap. She wore a tight blinding white thick cotton T-shirt that hugged each of her ample curves and over that a black and maroon paisley vest. This topped a pair of well-faded 501’s that looked like they were created specifically for her long legs. A pair of shiny cordovan penny loafers worn without socks completed her ensemble.

Jamie realized that she was still gripping Ryan’s hand and immediately dropped it as though it was burning her. Ryan just continued to smile at her and Jamie found that it was very difficult to meet her penetrating gaze. When she finally forced herself to do so she was again shocked to discover the most dazzling pair of ice blue eyes that one could imagine. Jesus, she thought as she tore herself away from that intense gaze, how does one woman get this many perfect parts?

“Uh, Jamie did you want to exchange phone numbers, or arrange to meet, or something?” Ryan asked gently, stooping down at bit and moving her head around as she tried to make eye contact with her new partner.

“Oh, sure, yeah, that’s good, um phone numbers…good,” Jamie began to curse herself for her inarticulate ramblings. I’m an English major! she shouted at herself in exasperation.

With Ryan providing most of the leadership they finally exchanged their personal info. Ryan took down Jamie’s number in a neat black organizer that Jamie noticed had a very busy schedule meticulously filled out. “When is the best time for you to get together?” Ryan asked.

“Well, I don’t have a job and my bo..” Jamie caught herself and decided that she did not want this woman to know about Jack. “My time is pretty open,” she finally stated without elaboration.

“Great. I’m pretty swamped, but weekday afternoons and weekend mornings are my best times,” Ryan said. “My schedule is really kind of unpredictable, but I’m sure we’ll be able to get together,” she smiled that impossibly dazzling smile again and Jamie felt her brain once again begin to freeze.

“Where do you live?” Ryan asked with a small chuckle, as she unsuccessfully tried to hide a knowing grin.

Oh God, oh god! Jamie screamed to herself, she knows! She began to blush again and finally began to stutter, “Umm…I…ahh….”

But Ryan graciously took pity on her and removed her piercing gaze. She looked down at her organizer and tried again. “Do you live in Berkeley?” she asked casually.

“Yeah,” Jamie breathed out in relief. “Really close to campus.”

“Oh, that’s good,” Ryan said. “I live over in the Noe Valley, but I’m sure we could meet here. You don’t have a car do you?”

“Car?” Jamie said as though this were the first time she had ever heard the word,

“Yeah, you know, a big metal object with wheels, let’s you go places that your feet can’t take you,” Ryan said, as she mimicked holding a steering wheel.

“Oh, yes I do! I do have a car!” Jamie was outrageously pleased with herself for being able to get a complete sentence out without stuttering. She decided against all reason that she liked being teased by Ryan and began to loosen up a little bit.

“That’s great,” Ryan said. “I’ve got a bike but some people don’t like riding on them,” she added. Jamie dully wondered where on Ryan’s bicycle she would ride, but banished that thought as Ryan once again extended her hand.

“I guess I’ll see you on Wednesday then, okay?” those crystal clear blue eyes locked on hers again. Jamie felt her hand being engulfed by the much larger one and then gently shaken and felt her head bob a bit in response. Ryan dipped her head to make eye contact and winked playfully as she broke into another grin and turned gracefully to stride from the room.

Jamie felt herself slide limply into a desk. She dropped her head to the cool wooden surface and sat in puzzled confusion for a moment. Finally she lifted her head and asked herself in a befuddled haze, What in the hell was that all about?!

***

That night after a quickly prepared dinner of salads and soup Jamie and Mia sat cross-legged on Jamie’s king sized bed. The room was spotless, as always. Mia did not understand Jamie’s fixation on order, but she had to admit that it was really nice to be able to easily find things that she wanted to borrow. The room was generously sized and had a view of the small back yard. It was the biggest bedroom and it made sense that Jamie should have it since her mother had purchased the house. There was a deep eave over the back of the house and it kept the room cool in the summer, even without air conditioning. Because the room was at the right rear corner of the home there were windows on two sides that allowed for a great breeze most of the time. The room was decorated in bright shades of yellow with lots of white painted trim and a splash or two of marine blue. It gave the room a clean, almost nautical feel and the near constant breeze enhanced that feeling. There were two doors, one, to the wide hallway and another that opened to the tiled bath that Jamie shared with Cassie.

The only common wall was the one that bordered the bath. Jamie liked the sense of privacy that the layout provided her. Even though Jack had only stayed overnight once so far, it reassured her that her roommates could not hear any activity that might occur. Since Cassie spent most of her time with her boyfriend at his North Berkeley apartment Jamie had gotten used to the privacy and secretly regretted the nights that Cassie did sleep in the house.

“Just back up a minute there, Honeybunch,” Mia commanded.

“What do you mean?”

“You, of all people, are taking a class called the ‘Psychology of the Lesbian Experience?’ Uh, Jamie, is there something you want to tell me?” Mia asked with a somber look on her face.

“Mia, you don’t have to be a lesbian to take the stupid class,” Jamie said with a bit of exasperation.

“No, Jamie, I mean, are you switching to psychology as a major?” Mia asked with a face full of sweet innocence. “Why would you jump to the conclusion that I think you’re a lesbian?” again the innocent look. “That’s a very odd reaction, Jamie,” she said soberly.

“Very funny, Mia. You really should consider a career in comedy.”

“No, really, James. Why would you take that class? I’ve never known you to be overly interested in our more androgynous sisters,” she said with a glint in her eye.

“I’m not interested, per se, Mia. I needed an easy 3 hour class. I’ve not taken any other soft science so far and this one meets early in the morning, which is my favorite time of day. There is no final, just a bunch of special projects that I have to do with a partner. I only have to write two short papers, and I can use all the easy classes I can get this fall.”

“Just how special are these projects?” Mia asked with a leer.

“Well, one is to participate in a bondage scene at a lesbian S and M club, and the other is to make a multi-media collage about cunnilingus.”

Jamie was interrupted by Mia spitting a mouthful of Diet Coke all over her sleep shirt.

“Mia!” she shouted as she jumped from the bed, trying to hold the Coke onto her shirt to keep it from dripping onto the spotless carpet.

She scampered into the bathroom and emerged moments later to retrieve another oversized t-shirt from her dresser.

“Serves you right, Jamie. Don’t make me laugh when I’ve got a mouthful of Coke. You know I have very little control over my reflexes,” Mia told her righteously.

“Well, it was worth it to get you like that,” Jamie admitted. “Normally I’m the brunt of jokes around here.”

“Hey, did you say you have to do these projects with a partner?” Mia asked as Jamie resettled herself on the bed.

“Yeah, we got assigned partners today,” Jamie replied casually.

“What’s she like, James? Did she bring her big rig to campus or leave it idling out at one of the truck stops?” It was obvious that this was going to turn into a semester long joke.

“Why do you assume it’s a woman, Mia, there are men in the class,” she said smugly.

“Well, maybe you should order up some chromosome tests before you state that so convincingly, Jamie.”

Jamie glared at her friend as she shook her head. “You know, Mia, as the professor said today, it’s people like you and I who can make the biggest impact on getting rid of stereotypes about gay people.”

“Aw Jamie, you know I’m just kidding. You’ve gotta admit it is kind of funny though, don’t you?”

“I guess so,” she finally admitted. “And for your information my partner is a woman named Ryan. We talked for a few minutes after class.”

“Do you think she’s gay?” asked Mia in a more respectful tone.

“Yeah, I’m sure she is,” answered Jamie wryly as she blushed just a bit.

“Ohh, scoop, scoop, why are you so sure?” Mia smelled some dirt and Jamie knew she would never let go now.

“Well, to be honest I think she flirted with me,” Jamie finally admitted.

“Jeez, Jamie, what do you expect? You’re probably the hottest woman in that class and they can all smell fresh meat. They were probably drawing straws to see who got you!”

“Mia, you are being ridiculous! If anyone would be lusted after it would be Ryan,” she said with conviction.

“Ooo, is she good looking?” Mia inquired

“Calling Ryan good looking would be an insult,” Jamie stated with finality.

“Gee Jamie,” she drawled, “maybe it was you who was flirting with her.”

“That’s not funny Mia. It really kind of made me uncomfortable,” she stated, although she clearly would not tell Mia just how uncomfortable she had been.

“Maybe she wasn’t really flirting, maybe she’s just friendly,” Mia supplied helpfully

“No,” Jamie snorted. “I’ve been flirted with enough to know the difference, Mia. It was just like talking to a really good looking guy. You know the type. The guy who is just oozing with self confidence and has a really easy time dropping a line on you.”

“Well, you know Jamie, you have 3 class meetings to drop it if you really don’t like the vibes you’re getting.”

“I know, Mia. I don’t think she meant anything by it. She just seems like the kind of woman who feels really comfortable in her own skin. And when I tell her I’m straight I’m sure she’ll stop.”

“What! You didn’t tell her that you’re straight?” Mia exclaimed.

“No, it didn’t come up, but I’m sure it will when we meet on Wednesday. Don’t worry, I’ll make it clear that I have a really big boyfriend right down the freeway who I think could beat her up.”

“Well, I’m sure that will be very reassuring to Jack,” Mia said with a grin. “By the way, what does he think about you taking this class? I know Jason would want me to bring a cute one home for him to play with.”

“Uh, we haven’t really discussed my class schedule, you know how busy he is this year Mia, what with law review and everything.”

“Uh huh, I see,” said Mia suspiciously.

“Knock it off, will you? I’m sure we will discuss my schedule and then I’ll tell him,” she stated flatly. “It’s really no big deal.” Is it?

***

Splash!! “Not yet…wait…. wait…. okay, fetch!” Ryan watched the curly haired black dog gambol through the surf, boldly ducking his strong head under the water as a small wave hit the shore. She closely observed him as he paddled his way out to the large stick that she had thrown and grabbed it with his soft mouth.

He made his way back through the waves and galloped up next to her. Waiting until he was right next to her, of course, before he violently shook his coat. “Lucky for you I could use a little cooling off, Duffy boy,” she laughed. They had been running on the beach since just after dawn. This was Ryan’s favorite time of the day. She loved the smell of the ocean, loved to hear the gulls crying overhead, and especially loved spending time with Duffy in his true element. There was nothing her dog loved more than swimming and frolicking on the beach. “You know Duff, I sometimes think I’m more like you than I am human,” she said aloud. Duffy looked at her with a silently understanding gaze. Her father often told her when she was young that Ryan was part puppy. She loved the freedom of running, and she was not above dropping her shoes and jumping into the surf after Duffy. But today she had to be in Berkeley for an early class and she did not have time to get the sand out of her hair before she had to leave.

“Speaking of which, Duff, I’m gonna have to give you a bath before Da will let you back in the house. I’ll make you a deal, buddy, if you stay outside this morning I’ll come home before work and give you a nice bath, how’s that?” Duffy again gave her his agreeable look. He was a fairly big dog, about 25 inches at the shoulder. He weighed in at around 75 pounds and most of that was muscle. His mother was an elegant black standard poodle who had an unplanned liaison with a randy black Labrador. The poodle owners’ loss however, was definitely Ryan’s gain. The owner of the pups was one of Ryan’s clients. She tricked Ryan into a ride home one day and it took all of two minutes before she was in love with the curly black male.

Martin O’Flaherty was not very happy about the addition to the family, but within a week he was the pride and joy of the whole clan. Duffy was really the perfect dog. He did not shed, he loved to run and exercise, but he could tolerate being ignored for a full day if required. He almost never barked in the house, but outdoors he signaled the arrival of every person, dog or truck. He loved to be with Ryan but would gladly spend the day with anyone who had the time. Ryan secretly thought that her father was really the one most in love with Duffy. Not that that was a surprise. Martin was a very big softie-although he liked to play the tough dad role.

Ryan considered her day…8 o’clock psych class; 10 o’clock bio lab; lunch; 1 o’clock anatomy; work from 4 until 9. “Well, it’s the start of another fun year, Duff.”

Psych class sounds like it’s going to be fun at least. It’s nice to take a class where you get to interact with humans. Living humans, she added as an afterthought as she considered her anatomy class. She thought about her psych partner, Jamie. She really was cute with that little blush she got when I teased her. But God! she thought with a laugh. She sure did seem nervous around me. I wonder what that was all about. It’s hard to tell if she was really interested or really nervous. I guess it could be that I’m gay but if that bothered her why would she take a class about lesbians? I’m pretty sure she’s straight, but you never know…Now Ryan, you know you shouldn’t feed or taunt the straight girls, she reminded herself with a little laugh. Actually she had nothing against trying to change the minds of straight women. It just seemed like an awful lot of trouble when you lived in San Francisco. Ryan was nothing if not pragmatic, and it seemed a waste of her valuable time given all of the eligible, willing women she encountered. And now it was so common for straight women to approach her for a brief tryst that she could maintain a steady diet of them if she so chose. Things really have changed in the last few years, she thought. It’s kind of nice to be the current fad. She assumed that lesbianism would die out as a hip thing to do in a few years, but she was more than willing to ride the wave while it lasted.

“Let’s go Duff…I’ll race you to the car!” She hoped they were home by the time her father noticed that his truck was missing or else it would be both a car wash and a dog wash this afternoon.

***

Jamie arrived at her psych class about 5 minutes early. She secretly hoped that Ryan would be there early too, and they could chat for a few minutes. Relax Jamie, it’s a long semester. Initially she was pleased, but her pleasure turned quickly to pique when she saw Ryan. Her long lithe body was casually slumped in a small desk looking up at another student, female of course, leaning over her. The look on her face was one of passive bemusement. The woman flirting with her was pretty cute, too, Jamie thought. About 5‘6”, dark skin, with coal black hair pulled back into a braid. Ryan watched the woman with polite interest. After a few more moments, Professor Levy made her way into the room. Jamie saw Ryan take her felt tipped pen and write a phone number right on the palm of the woman’s hand. The recipient of this little gift looked extremely pleased and a bit smug as she made her way back to her desk. Ryan slowly turned her gaze to the left and made eye contact with Jamie. Her face broke in to that damned grin again and Jamie could not help but smile back with the same intensity, completely forgetting her pique.

As Ryan turned back to look at the professor, Jamie studied her critically. Today her outfit was quite a bit more casual than Monday’s ensemble had been. Faded denim overalls covered a form fitting red tank top. Red high top basketball shoes, and a red Nike cap, backwards again, completed her look. Ryan’s black hair was pulled into another ponytail and peeked out of the bottom of the bill of her cap. Jamie looked at her own clothes with a smirk. A mint green sleeveless sweater covered by a matching long sleeved cardigan topped tight stretch Capri chinos. A new pair of delicate black leather sandals graced her feet. We certainly don’t look like we’re going to the same event, Jamie thought wryly.

She was angry with Ryan for spending her time flirting with another woman even though she knew she was being completely irrational. I wanted to use that time to arrange to get together for these projects, Jamie thought righteously. Right Jamie, she chided herself. It’s the second class meeting and you don’t even know what the projects are. This is really urgent.

The professor called them to attention during her musings. She shook her head a bit and tried to focus.

“Good morning everyone. I trust you were all able to meet up with your partners on Monday. Sorry that I went a bit long and was not able to arrange those meetings in a more organized fashion. Let’s make up for that by starting out with introductions.”

She continued, “I would like each of you to spend a few minutes describing yourself. You can talk about anything that you think is important. Remember, this does not have to be a coming out party, but if you want to discuss your sexual orientation I would like you to feel comfortable to. Why don’t we start with you?” she pointed at a young man sitting near the door.

He blushed a bit, but did as he was asked. “I’m Scott Williams. I’m a senior psych major. I plan on going to graduate school next year and hopefully I will one day become a psychologist. I was interested in this class because I want to be comfortable working with disparate groups of people. I am straight but not narrow,” he said with a grin.

He’s really cute, thought Jamie. I wonder if I should say I’m a psych major, too. That’s at least a reasonable explanation for taking this course.

The students continued in order. The woman Ryan had been flirting with introduced herself as Chitra Chuisapor . She was a psych major also and she also dropped the “L” bomb. Jamie paid very close attention as she noticed that every person disclosed his or her sexual preference. Oh, I don’t want to do this, she thought nervously as her turn loomed near.

Ryan took her turn next. “Hi, I’m Ryan O’Flaherty,” she announced with that smile again. “I’m a junior biology major and this is my first semester at Cal. I’m interested in this class because I have not done much reading on the lesbian experience and I think there is a lot to learn. I have done a lot of fieldwork, however,” she added with one waggling eyebrow.

That comment brought a laugh from the professor and the rest of the class.

Jamie had listened raptly while Ryan spoke. Does she have an accent? It doesn’t sound strong and I only notice it on certain words, she thought. I’ll have to ask her, she thought as she happily considered conversing with Ryan again.

Jamie was interested to hear 4 women declare that they could not claim a sexual orientation. Each of them had a variation on the statement that they were open to a wide variety of experiences and did not like to feel limited by a label. Hmmm, that’s interesting. It must feel strange not to feel one way or the other. I wonder if they’re really gay, but don’t want to be thought of that way. I can’t blame them, she thought. That must really be a difficult life.

Finally it was Jamie’s turn. “Hi, I’m Jamie Evans,” she began nervously.

I’m a junior English major. I’m engaged to a guy who is a 3rd year at Stanford law school.” She shot a glance at Ryan hoping to see surprise, but was greeting with a calm, encouraging gaze. “I don’t have a particular reason for taking the class other than the fact that I have not taken any other psych classes and it fit my schedule really well,” she admitted sheepishly.

Well, that went okay, she thought as the next woman began to speak. I hope I wasn’t too obvious, talking about Jack like that, but I don’t want anyone to get the wrong impression.

After all 20 of them had introduced themselves, Linda spoke again. “I’m really glad to meet all of you. I think we’ll have a great semester. Now let’s discuss our projects. I would like each pair to choose 3 of the following activities. You will need to write a short paper on each of these projects. I need each of you to do your own paper because you will have different reactions to the activity. The activities are as follows:

* visit a lesbian coffeehouse or bookstore

* spend a day in The Castro

* attend some films during the gay and lesbian film festival

* if you’re straight you can play gay for a day with your partner

* visit a lesbian bar if you’re over 21

* volunteer in a lesbian community organization for a day

“Now, I’ll allow you to use the last 15 minutes of class to discuss the activities with your partner. See you all on Friday.”

Jamie watched Ryan pull her long form from the small desk. She stood at her full height and gracefully began to stretch her back out. Jamie approached her from the side and gave her a small smile.

“Were these desks made for a grade school, or what?” Ryan asked as she bent over from the waist and let her fingers tickle the linoleum.

“I don’t know, they seem just right to me.”

Ryan looked her over from top to bottom appraising her as if for the first time. “Well, you’re about the size I was in grade school, so I’ve made my point,” she said with a laugh.

“Hey, don’t make fun of the height impaired, “Jamie said with a scowl as she crossed her arms across her chest and tried to look intimidating.

“I would not dream of making fun of you, Jamie,” those serious blue eyes answered.

“Right,” Jamie said, with her mouth suddenly a little dry. “So which of these project do you think we should tackle?”

“Well,” Ryan drawled, “do any of them particularly interest you?”

“Um, I guess I could do any of them,” Jamie replied. “But since you said you have a busy schedule, maybe you should decide.”

“Well, we live on different sides of the bay so it might be easier to do the things that would keep us in the east bay most of the time. We could go to a women’s bookstore in Oakland, and I know of a good lesbian community organization right here in Berkeley. You’re not 21 yet are you?” she asked a little hesitantly.

“Is it that obvious?” Jamie whined.

“Well, it is a little, but I figured if you were a junior, there was a pretty good chance that you were about 20,” she reasoned.

Jamie was pleased that Ryan had listened to her so attentively. “You’re a junior also,” she observed, “but I take it you are past the age of majority.”

“Quite,” Ryan admitted. She was not forthcoming with any more information, but Jamie let it pass as she decided she could grill her later.

“So that eliminates going to a bar. What about the film festival?” Jamie asked.

“I might be able to squeeze some films in,” Ryan said hesitantly. “But as I recall, most of them are at night. I usually work at night, so that might be kind of tough.”

“That’s okay,” said Jamie. “There are still 4 other activities that we can do. And lucky for you I am obviously straight, so we can do the ‘play gay for a day’ thing, ” she teased.

“Do you think it’s…obvious?” asked Ryan as she cocked her head a little and looked at Jamie very dubiously.

“Um, err, ah, well, yeah,” stammered Jamie in alarm. “Don’t you?”

“Yeah, it is,” Ryan said as she leaned her head back and laughed heartily.

“You’re teasing me again, Ryan,” she said while tapping her foot and narrowing her eyes.

“Well, it is kind of fun, Jamie, but I’ll stop if it bothers you,” she replied sincerely.

“No, I’m used to being the butt of jokes. I think it comes with the height thing,” she admitted sheepishly.

“How about I make it up to you by buying you some coffee later,” Ryan offered. “Actually, if you’re free we could go to ‘Daughters of Sappho’ later and get one of our activities out of the way today.”

“Alright, that would be fun,” Jamie agreed. Actually she had planned on going shopping with Cassie later, but she was sure she could put that off until next week.

“I’ve got a lab until 2:00. Could you meet then?” she asked.

“Yeah, I can go get my car and pick you up. Where do you want to meet?”

“How about right in front of Cafe Roma?”

“Okay,” Jamie agreed. “See you at 2:00.”

***

The morning passed slowly for Jamie. First, a long rather rambling lecture on Wordsworth followed by a slow walk home for lunch. She was pensive during her walk, thinking a jumble of thoughts about her psych class in general and her new partner in particular.

She really seems sweet and funny. I hope we can become friends, she mused. She is so different from anyone else that I know. She just seems so self-assured. I wonder what Jack would think of her? For that matter I wonder what Jack will think of this class? I know I should have told him, but he did not directly ask me what I was taking this term. I don’t have to tell him everything about my life, do I?

Jamie knew that she was trying to convince herself of something. She was really uncertain of what Jack’s reaction would be to the class. For that matter she had no idea what he thought of gay people in general since it was not a topic they had ever discussed.

Well it’s not like there has been a reason to discuss gay people. We don’t know any as a couple. And all of the gay people I know are hairdressers or decorators, so that’s kind of expected. Of course I would never have guessed that some of those women in the class were gay. For that matter I would never guess that Ryan was either…if she wasn’t such a flirt that is! I can’t believe she was already hitting on someone from class. Of course, it looked like that woman was doing most of the hitting. Maybe Ryan was just being polite. She actually might be one of those ‘all talk, no action types’.

After a quick lunch, Jamie settled down in one of the overstuffed chairs in the sunny living room and did some reading for her ‘20th Century American Women Writers’ class. At 1:45 pm she hopped into the Porsche and took off for Cafe Roma. She had removed the convertible top and her short blonde hair blew in the light breeze. She gazed at herself in the rear view mirror appraisingly. Her hair was cut in a relatively short style, about 3 inches long on top, tapering to about an inch at the base of her neck. She had cut her long hair when she was a freshman. Jack was none too happy about that event, but she had grown tired of spending so much time keeping it looking good. Now she could wash it and not even bother to blow it dry if she so chose.

Jamie was thin and in relatively good shape. A generous layer of flesh that gave her a youthful appearance covered her muscles. Jack teased her about her baby fat but he really enjoyed being held by that soft yet firm body. Luckily she had never had to work out to maintain her figure. Her activity level and relatively low caloric intake saw to that. She had a good golfer’s body, flexible, strong and lean but not overly muscular.

As she maneuvered through the crowded streets of Berkeley she hoped to herself that Ryan would be on time. Nothing worse than having to circle around the block in this mess, she thought. Traffic was really snarled in front of her. She could see the sign for Cafe Roma about 11/2 blocks ahead, but her progress was glacial. As she inched closer she thought she could make out Ryan’s cap bedecked head. Yeah, that’s her. Wait a minute–-Ryan was sitting on a short concrete post that protected the sidewalk diners from errant cars. Her overall clad legs were spread wide and between them stood Chitra from class. Her arms were around the taller woman’s neck and Ryan’s hands loosely encircled her waist. Chitra was bent over slightly with her mouth firmly attached to Ryan’s. Her head moved slowly as she thoroughly kissed the tanned face. My God! Jamie thought. They look like they just got out of bed! I hope she’s not planning on going with us, she thought angrily. I only have room for two people!

As she got close she saw one blue eye open and catch sight of her. Ryan gently tried to remove her date from her death grip on her mouth, but she was obviously having a difficult time of it. Jamie could see the muscles of her arms tense as she firmly pushed Chitra away, giving her another little kiss as a reward. The beaming smile that she gave her was an added bonus. Chitra gave Jamie a little wave, which she returned after forcing a smile onto her face. Ryan opened the passenger side door and settled herself comfortably. She turned and met Jamie’s somewhat shocked gaze and gave her a little shoulder shrug along with a delightfully crooked grin.

“Ahh, we were just having lunch,” she explained helpfully.

“You looked like you were lunch,” Jamie replied in a mock scolding tone.

Ryan actually blushed at that comment. Jamie instantly felt a stab of regret at the sharp tone she had used. But Ryan didn’t seem to mind. She lobbed back the banter, “I like to make friends in class, you never know when you need to copy someone’s notes.”

“Were her notes written on her tongue?” Jamie drawled as she cast a wry glance at her project partner.

“Um, Jamie, that didn’t bother you did it?” Ryan asked a trifle tentatively.

“Why would that bother me? You’re my partner, not my girlfriend,” she replied logically, secretly hoping to draw another blush from those sculpted cheeks.

“I know, but I don’t know how comfortable you are with the whole lesbian thing. I’m certain that would have bothered some women,” Ryan explained.

“This is Berkeley, Ryan, you can’t walk two feet without tripping over a lesbian!” she said good naturedly.

“Good, I’m glad you seem comfortable with it. Now, have you ever been to a lesbian coffeehouse?”

“No, can’t say that I have. But there is a first time for everything,” Jamie opined.

They drove the short distance to the small store in Oakland just chatting about things. Ryan was very impressed with the little yellow Boxster that Jamie drove. She seemed to know a lot about cars and asked scads of questions about its engine and handling capabilities. Jamie didn’t have answers for most of the questions but that didn’t deter Ryan from asking more. She finally gave Ryan a little shake of her head and pulled over. As she got out Ryan looked at her with a puzzled expression.

“Come on, Ms. NASCAR, you drive it and answer your own questions,” she said as she walked around to the passenger door and opened it. Ryan gave her a dazzling grin, protesting weakly while simultaneously grabbing the windshield and the back of the driver’s seat and hoisting herself gracefully over the stick and into the seat.

Jamie began to latch the seat belt over her shoulder as Ryan carefully adjusted the rear view mirror. She dropped the belt and leaned over her to point out the somewhat hidden switch by Ryan’s left thigh which adjusted the side view mirrors. As she did so she felt her arm brush against Ryan’s breasts as she completed her move. A little jolt of electricity shot up her arm as the contact occurred. Yipes! she shouted to herself. Where did that come from? Next time, you better just tell her where things are, Jamie.

Ryan settled herself comfortably and smoothly pulled away from the curve. “Oh, wow!” she nearly moaned in delight. “I have never in my life been behind the wheel of anything this delicious.” She closed her eyes slightly in pleasure. Finally she turned her head a bit to lock eyes with Jamie. “I can’t tell you how pleasurable this is for me,” she sighed.

Jamie was struck dumb for a moment, but finally got out, “I have never seen anyone enjoy anything quite so thoroughly, Ryan.”

“I really love cars, as you can tell,” she admitted. “But I think I love this car more than any other,” she said dreamily. “Do you know what it reminds me of?” she asked with a wiggling eyebrow.

“Umm, no, I can’t guess what a car would remind you of,” Jamie admitted.

Ryan closed her eyes slightly as she gave Jamie a very satisfied looking smile. “A woman,” she said simply.

“My Porsche looks like a woman?” she asked in amazement.

“Yep. This car not only has beautiful breasts,” Ryan purred. “It has absolutely luscious hips.”

Well, she is most definitely a lesbian, Jamie thought as she tried to get some moisture back into her mouth. I’ve never met a straight woman who looked so sexy when she talked about breasts and hips! “I’m not sure I see that,” she replied as casually as she could manage.

“Really?” Ryan asked with a look of amazement. “Just look at the front fenders! Don’t you see that graceful curve? It looks just like a firm young breast. See it?”

She had to admit that the fender did have a nice curve, and yes, it could look like a perky young breast. “Okay, I think I see what you mean. Now show me the hips.”

Ryan had to quickly pull over for that part of the demonstration. “Okay, turn around,” she instructed. “See the rear fenders? They remind me of the nice, cushy hips of women in the paintings of the Renaissance. See how they curve so smoothly around to the tail lights?”

Once again, Jamie had to admit that Ryan had a point. “Gee, I had no idea I was driving such a woman centered car,” she said with a laugh. “My father bought it for me, do you think that’s what attracted him? “

“Subconsciously, I’m sure of it,” Ryan smirked.

When they started up again Jamie looked over at Ryan and saw how much she was enjoying the experience of driving the car. “I don’t have the heart to deprive you of this much happiness,” Jamie teased. “Why don’t we just go for a drive up in the hills? What time do you have to be at work, anyway?”

“Um, 4 o’clock, but I work over in the City. To get there on BART I need to leave here by 3,” she said, while sadly looking at the clock on the dash.

“Tell ya what,” Jamie offered, “I owe my grandfather a visit (not mentioning that she had seen him 3 days ago). He’s right off Nob Hill. Where do you have to go?”

“I work near the Castro and that’s not very close to Nob Hill,” she said.

“It’s close enough for me. This car eats real estate faster than you can imagine,” she teased.

“I really don’t want to inconvenience you,” Ryan said. But Jamie could see the hopeful look in those blue eyes and knew that she would not mind walking to the Castro in order to satisfy it.

“It’s really no bother, Ryan. I would love to have dinner with my grandfather. I don’t see him nearly enough.” While she spoke she pulled her tiny Star Tac phone from the glove box and dialed the number she knew by heart.

He answered on the 2nd ring. “Hi Poppa, it’s Jamie,” she told him needlessly. “How would you like me to treat you to dinner at the Tadich Grill tonight?” After he enthusiastically agreed, the two women settled down for their drive.

They meandered through the hills of Oakland, looking at the plethora of monstrous new homes that dotted the hillside since the devastating fire that consumed the whole area 6 years earlier.

“Wow, I haven’t been up here since people started rebuilding,” said Jamie.

“It’s really kind of a mess esthetically,” Ryan said, “but that’s what happens when people get a big insurance settlement. They build to the lot lines.”

“You seem to know a lot about this area.”

“Yeah, I guess I do,” she said thoughtfully. “My father is a firefighter in the City. We used to come up here and look around after the fire. Kind of a busman’s holiday,” she admitted.

“Oh, did your father fight this fire?” Jamie inquired

“No, he doesn’t fight fires any longer. He is the cook for Battalion 13 in the Mission District,” Ryan stated with a tinge of pride in her voice.

“Wow, I can’t imagine cooking for all of those hungry firemen,” Jamie said with a laugh.

“Firefighters,” Ryan corrected.

“Oops, sorry,” Jamie said.

“That’s okay. Actually they are all men in his battalion. But the City has quite a number of women in the ranks now.”

They continued to chat about nothing in particular until Ryan began guiding them down to the highway that would take them to the City. She was a good, careful driver, but she drove as fast as she could, given the conditions. Jamie noticed how she was able to move the car effortlessly through the growing traffic. She found herself sliding sideways in her seat so that she could watch Ryan as she drove. Ryan still had a look of total pleasure on her face. It is really cute how she accepted this little bit of happiness, Jamie mused. She doesn’t seem afraid to really let herself go-even with a stranger, she thought. Well, clearly, she doesn’t mind letting herself go with strangers after that little demonstration on the street today, she reflected with a slight tinge of disapproval. I wish I could be that free and unconcerned about things though. But I can’t believe she was kissing a woman like that right in the middle of a busy street. I wouldn’t kiss Jack like that on the street. Actually, I don’t kiss Jack like that at home, anymore, she thought with a touch of envy.

As they crossed the Bay Bridge leading to San Francisco Jamie let herself relax in her seat and just take in the beautiful view of the City. I feel so peaceful and happy, she thought. She turned to look at Ryan again and was met with another charming smile from that beautiful face. Again she felt a chill roll down her whole body. Jeez, Jamie will you please get a grip! she chastised herself.

Since it was only 3:40 Ryan took Market all the way to The Castro. Jamie could tell that she chose the slow route to prolong her test drive. I think she has gotten more pleasure from this car in an hour than I have in 2 years. It’s kind of nice to see things through such appreciative eyes.

Ryan again offered to go directly to Jamie’s grandfather’s place and take Muni to her job, but Jamie insisted that she go directly to work. Ryan did not offer any details on her job and Jamie was in too relaxed a mood to do her usual cross-examination so she just relaxed an enjoyed the next few minutes.

“So, are you still up for a visit to the coffeehouse this week? Ryan asked as they neared the Castro.

“Absolutely,” Jamie replied decisively.

As they pulled up to a rare empty meter Ryan tugged her organizer out of her black nylon book bag.

Jamie noticed that they were parked in front of a Blockbuster Video store. “Is this where you work?” she asked tentatively.

“Huh? Oh, no,” Ryan replied absently. She pointed vaguely down the street as she continued to peruse her schedule. “I work a little down the street. Okay,” she finally said. “I’m free from 10:00 to noon and from 6:00 to 9:00 tomorrow. On Friday my schedule is about the same as today. Are any of those times good for you?”

Jamie thought for just a moment before she chose the Thursday from 6-9 PM slot. “Do you want to get dinner before we go, or do they serve food there?” she inquired.

“Yeah, dinner would be great. I have to work afterward so that will be the only time I have to eat. I don’t think they serve anything substantial enough for me at the coffeehouse, so we should probably go somewhere else for dinner. Do you have any suggestions?”

“You start work after 9 p.m.?” she asked in surprise.

“Yep. Open all night,” she said with a smile.

“How much time do you think we need to spend at the coffeehouse?” Jamie inquired, momentarily too fragmented to inquire about Ryan’s job.

“Well, since we have to write a paper we should probably hang out for a bit, you know look at the books, observe the subjects in their native environment,” she teased.

“Why don’t you come to my house and I’ll cook dinner for us. That’ll save time,” she said helpfully.

“Are you always this nice Jamie, or do you just take pity on starving lesbians?”

“Well, I’m generally pretty nice. And you certainly don’t look like you’re starving,” she added as she passed a gaze at Ryan’s solid form.

“You’ve got me there,” she agreed. “I don’t miss many meals,” she patted her flat stomach. “Let me get your address so I can get to work. My clients hate to be kept waiting.”

Clients…working late at night… what in the hell does she do?

Chapter 2

On Thursday at 5 p.m. Jamie pulled into her driveway, fresh from a visit to her favorite market. She was stunned and a bit dismayed to see Jack’s Honda Accord parked in front of the house. “Oh shit, not tonight!” she moaned aloud. “Ryan will be here soon!”

She grabbed her grocery bags and made her way into the house. Jack was sitting in the kitchen with Cassie, drinking a Coke and looking very relaxed. Jamie pasted on a smile and greeted him as she put her bags down on the marble counter.

“To what do I owe the honor?” she asked as she crossed the kitchen and kissed him.

He rose and enveloped her in a hug. “I had to drop off some research at the office and I figured this would be a good place to ride out rush hour. I thought we could have dinner before I have to head back,” he said as he began to investigate the contents of her bags. “Ooo, this looks good,” he said as he pulled out the fresh pasta and the marinara sauce. “What are you making?”

“Oh honey I would love to, but I have a classmate coming for dinner. We’re working on a special project together and we need the time to discuss it,” she said with more regret than she really felt.

“What kind of projects do you have for English classes?” he asked absently, as he continued to poke through the bags.

Jamie was unreasonably annoyed at his interest in her purchases. She began to take the items out of his hands as he removed them from the bags. She put the salad ingredients on the counter by the double stainless steel sinks, and placed the pasta and sauce in the refrigerator. She snagged the chocolate gelato and placed it in the freezer. As he looked longingly at a fresh loaf of Italian bread, she took pity on him and relented. “I can try to make you a little something before she gets here,” she said tentatively.

He gave her his little puppy dog look as he said, “I don’t want to put you out, Jamie.”

Cassie made her presence known by saying, “Jack, why don’t you let me take you out to dinner. You and I don’t get to spend much time together, what with Jamie monopolizing all of your time”.

Jamie was completely grateful to her roommate for this unexpectedly thoughtful offer. Jack looked like he wanted to refuse, but when Jamie just looked at him with a blank expression he shrugged his broad shoulders and said, “Okay Cassie. That would be great. Can we wait until Jamie’s guest gets here so I can have at least a few minutes with my girlfriend?”

“Sure Jack, I’ll be up in my room. Call me when you’re ready.”

Jack sat back down as Jamie began to prepare dinner. He chatted about his day and updated her on the progress of his law review article. Jamie tried to stay interested, but the intricacies of the R.I.C.O. laws as applied to the violation of restraining orders against protest groups did not really hold her attention. She was also very nervous about Jack meeting Ryan. Why didn’t I think this through more thoroughly? Now this will be a whole big thing. God, I hope she doesn’t look too gay tonight.

Jamie handed Jack plates and silverware, followed by napkins and place mats. “You may as well make yourself useful, honey”.

“I guess this is good preparation for married life,” he admitted. “I suppose this will be my job until I train one of our little tow headed offspring to do it.”

Jamie was surprised and touched at his train of thought. Jack did not often speak of his vision of their future. He usually spoke of his future career or things they would do together. But it was rare for him to speak of having children.

“Are kids important to you Jack?” she asked after a while.

“Well, yeah, I guess they are. I’ve just assumed we would have a few. Aren’t they important to you?” he asked with a note of shock as he turned to look at her.

“Oh, yeah,” Jamie agreed as a genuine smile lit up her face. “I would love to have a raft of little blonde copies of you,” she said as she drew near and placed her arms around his neck.

He bent down willingly and began to place several tender kisses on her lips. The softness of his kisses contrasted with the slightly rough feel of the stubble on his face. She hugged him tightly and smiled as he returned the hug enthusiastically and increased the intensity of his kisses. Uh uh, Jack, she thought wryly. I’m not going to change my mind no matter how turned on you try to make me. She began to release him when the door to the living room opened and Mia and Ryan strolled in. Jamie jumped in surprise nearly hitting Jack’s chin with the top of her head as she did so.

“Knock it off, lovebirds, your company is here,” Mia commented, stating the obvious.

Jamie stared open-mouthed at Ryan, completely nonplussed. Slightly tousled black hair hanging loosely around her shoulders. Black leather baseball style jacket covering a tight black t-shirt. Black jeans topping sleek black low heeled leather boots. In her right hand was a shiny black motorcycle helmet. Oh, my god. She looks like the centerfold for ‘Big Dyke Magazine!’

“Hi, Jamie,” the black clad vision uttered.

“Hi,” Jamie eventually choked out. Jack cleared his throat as he stepped back out of Jamie’s loose embrace.

“Hi, I’m Jack Townsend,” he said as he extended his hand when it became clear that Jamie was not going to introduce him.

Jamie regained her composure and her manners and eventually gave proper introductions. Cassie came downstairs moments later and was included in the scene. Jamie noticed both of her roommates eyeing Ryan critically, passing raised eyebrow looks between them. Oh shit! Mia must have told Cassie about my class. They’re really giving her the once over. Not that it would be too tough to guess that she’s gay, she thought wryly.

“So, what is this project you two are working on?” Jack asked Ryan innocently.

Ryan gave Jamie a little glance and allowed her to answer. “It’s just a little project for our psych class. I’ll tell you all about it later Sweetheart. We’ve got to hurry up and eat and you two need to get going,” she said to Cassie and Jack. “I’m sure you’ve got a ton of work to do tonight,” she told Jack.

“Okay, I know when to leave,” he said with a small smile. Jamie gave him another hug and a kiss as he and Cassie made their way out. Mia, however, apparently found this all too interesting and made no move to depart.

“What’s for dinner?” she asked as she peeked at the pans on the stove.

Jamie came up behind her and physically removed her from her position. “Ryan and I are having pasta. You are having whatever you make for yourself after we leave,” she stated with authority.

“Okay, okay,” Mia laughed as she retreated. “Can I at least get a soda? And maybe a little of that bread?” she asked hopefully.

“Yes, Mia, you may have some bread,” Jamie responded generously. “Then scram.”

“You run a pretty tight ship around here, Jamie,” Ryan said after Mia scampered out with her purloined bread.

“Those three would have eaten every bite,” she replied knowledgeably with a shake of her blonde head.

“Well, I don’t blame them. It smells great,” Ryan said. “And I really am starving. I didn’t get a proper lunch today.”

“I forgot to ask you if there were any things you don’t eat. I figured pasta was on almost everyone’s list.”

“I don’t eat anything that’s currently breathing,” Ryan stated. “Other than that, I’ll eat it.”

Ryan proved herself true to her word. Jamie had made the entire two pounds of fresh pasta in order to have leftovers for lunch the next day. But Ryan acted as though her two massive helpings of pasta were the bare minimum required to keep her going. Jamie mused that she had never seen a woman eat quite so much, but her thoughts were interrupted by Ryan beginning to eye the salad bowl. Jamie pushed it over to her and Ryan bent her dark head down and ate every bite, finishing off the loaf of bread along with it.

“Do you have room for some gelato?” Jamie asked warily, knowing that her guest had to be full to bursting.

“What flavor?” Ryan asked thoughtfully.

“Chocolate,” came the response.

“I’ve always got room for chocolate,” Ryan said without hesitation.

“What flavor would you have refused?” Jamie queried her teasingly.

“I can’t think of one, but you can’t be too sure,” Ryan replied prudently.

Jamie had only bought one pint of the freshly made gelato and as Ryan finished her second bowl she regretted that she had not bought two. “Um…have you had enough?” she asked hesitantly as Ryan leaned back in her chair with a satisfied smile on her lovely face.

“Why, is there more?” she asked as she looked around the kitchen hopefully.

“Are you teasing me again, Ryan?” Jamie asked with a tolerant smile.

“Just a little,” her new friend replied. “I think that delicious dinner has managed to actually fill me up for a change,” she admitted. “Not an easy task, I concede.”

“You do have a healthy appetite,” Jamie observed tactfully. Healthy for a defensive end!

“Hey, I’m a growing girl,” she replied happily.

“Don’t grow too much or I’ll need a stepladder to talk to you,” Jamie said with a smile.

“That’s not the direction I would grow if all of my meals were that delicious,” Ryan replied with one of her dazzling smiles as Jamie blushed at the compliment.

After they quickly cleaned the kitchen they made their way to the front door. “Would you like me to drive?” Ryan asked with a twinkle in her eyes.

“Sure,” Jamie replied as she handed her the keys to the Porsche.

“No, I mean would you like to ride on my bike? It’s the perfect ride for a visit to a lesbian bookstore,” she stated smugly.

“I’ve never been on a motorcycle before,” Jamie admitted with a little nervous laugh. “But I’ve always thought they were cool…”

“My motto is ‘Always give in to temptation’,” Ryan said with a sexy leer than made Jamie’s knees slightly weak.

“But…I don’t…um…have a helmet, wouldn’t I need one?”

“That’s why I brought this one in,” Ryan reassured her. “I thought we could adjust it where the light was better.”

“Isn’t this yours?” Jamie asked as she narrowed her eyes in concern.

“No, mine is on the bike. This is my extra one.”

“Okay, I’m game,” Jamie replied with significantly less hesitation than she felt.

Ryan leaned over and placed the helmet on Jamie’s head. She fidgeted with the strap until she was satisfied with the fit. Gripping the helmet with both hands she gave it a little tug. “How does that feel?” she asked, looking closely at Jamie’s face for her reaction.

“Feels great…let’s go,” she stated with false confidence. She grabbed a tailored butterscotch leather jacket from the coat closet and slid it on as they walked out the front door.

“Wow, that is a good looking bike!” Jamie enthused. She regarded the aqua and cream-colored Harley with a critical eye. She knew absolutely nothing about motorcycles, but it was clear that this one was well loved. The leather was supple and immaculate, the chrome gleamed and the paint was perfect.

“Yeah, I really love this one. I’ve had a Yamaha, a Honda and an Indian. But this one really sounds like a bike. You feel it all the way through your spine,” she said proudly as she trailed her hand lovingly over the saddle.

Jamie was unsure of what that really meant, but she figured she would find out soon enough. Ryan threw her long leg over the saddle and pushed the bike off the kickstand. “Come on,” she said as she held out a hand.

Jamie took her left hand and placed her right hand on Ryan’s shoulder as she swung her leg over the seat. It was a stretch but she accomplished the feat with a little hop on the planted foot. She settled down comfortably, feeling a little exposed as she nestled her thighs behind Ryan’s.

“Hang on tight,” Ryan instructed. “Feel free to put your arms around my waist. All you have to do is hold on and lean into the turns like I do. And don’t worry, you’ll have fun,” she said as she patted Jamie lightly on the thigh.

Jamie privately admitted that she was already having fun. She loved sitting on the big bike, so close to Ryan. She realized that she inexplicably felt safe and protected by this near stranger. As the bike roared to life, she understood what Ryan meant about the sound. She definitely heard it, but she realized that she felt it with her body more than her ears. Wow, this is pretty intense. The intensity grew as the bike began to cruise down the street. Involuntarily, she threw her arms around Ryan as the bike moved through its gears. There was a small jerk with each shift and she unconsciously held on tighter.

As she become accustomed to the sensation Jamie realized that this was truly a glorious feeling. She had never realized how insulated she was while in a car, even a small convertible like her own. This, however, was a feeling of complete freedom. She almost felt as if she was flying. She could smell the flowers and the scent of damp grass as they passed the well tended lawns. Wow, why would you ever ride in a car if you had one of these?

The trip was over much too soon, and as they pulled up in front of the bookstore Jamie regretted having to get off the bike. Ryan let her get off first, then she propped the bike on its stand and killed the engine. As Ryan turned to face her she reflexively returned the huge grin on Jamie’s face.

“I take it you enjoyed your first time?” she teased.

“That was awesome, Ryan!” she gushed, her enthusiasm bubbling up. “I had no idea it would be so cool! Why would you ever ride in a car?” she asked with a puzzled look on her flushed face.

“Well, when it’s under 50 degrees and raining, cars start to look pretty good,” Ryan said with a wide smile as she slid her arm around Jamie’s shoulders.

She held the door open and waited for the smaller woman to enter. Placing her hand on the small of her friend’s back, she followed her into the cozy store.

Jamie was very aware of how Ryan seemingly unconsciously touched her. She treats me kind of like a guy would if we were on a first date, she mused. But it doesn’t feel like she’s coming on to me today. It feels like that’s just part of her personality. She’s obviously used to being in charge. I wonder if lesbians really have roles when they’re together? If so, Ryan’s definitely the guy. But a guy with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous body!” she thought with a smirk as her friend guided her further into the store.

The place was larger than it looked from the street. It was roughly divided into two separate spaces, the one in which they were standing which was the coffeehouse/entertainment side and the other which housed books and other items. As they stepped more fully into the space Jamie saw that the front of the room held a small elevated platform that was obviously a stage. Near the right side of the room was a coffee bar. Behind the bar was a small window that must have led to an unseen kitchen. A woman was busily making coffee drinks for the customers who were seated at the scattered small tables. Towards the rear and left side of the space were comfortable well-used sofas and a few overstuffed chairs. They did not match nor seem to be terribly clean, but they lent a comfortable familiarity to the room that appealed to Jamie.

Ryan caught her wandering gaze and quietly asked, “Would you like to sit and have a coffee, or would you rather look in the bookstore for a bit?”

“Since it’s not too crowded let’s look around first, then maybe we can sit down for a while. Will there be entertainment later?”

Ryan looked up at a good sized chalkboard near the stage. Multicolored chalk letters heralded the name of a performer and the notation ë8:00 p.m. Tonight.’ “Yeah, in about an hour,” she replied as she checked her enormous watch. Jamie grasped her hand and took a look at the timepiece.

“God, Ryan, what does that monster do?”

“Well, I have to time my clients so they don’t overstay their hour,” she replied reasonably. “And sometimes I’m doing two people at once, so I need two timers.” She indicated the two timers with her index finger. “And I use it for running and swimming. See, it has two lap counters,” she indicated them both. “I also use it as my alarm in the morning, and every once in a while I can get a little nap in at work”, she said with a conspiratorial wink.

What in the hell does she do for a living!!

Just as Jamie was forming the question a short, pleasant looking middle aged woman appeared from behind the bar. She was heading right for them and Jamie noticed Ryan’s face light up in a smile.

“Ryan O’Flaherty, as I live and breathe!” the woman gushed in a broad, theatrical Irish accent.

“Hi, Babs. It’s good to see you again,” Ryan said as she gave the small woman a big friendly hug. “This is my friend Jamie. Jamie, this is Babs Jablonski, she owns this den of ill repute,” Ryan teased.

Babs elbowed Ryan sharply in the ribs as she grasped Jamie’s hand in a firm shake. “Any friend of Ryan’s is still welcome here,” she joked in her normal voice.

After a few more minutes of banter, Ryan showed Jamie to the bookstore. She was surprised to find the store sectioned off in categories, just like at a regular bookstore. But these categories were a bit different than the ones found at Barnes & Noble. ‘Coming Out’, ‘Lesbian Sexuality’, and ‘Lesbian Parenting’ caught Jamie’s eye as she glanced around the small space. She also noticed that there was a section where CD’s and tapes were sold. She strolled over to that area and realized that none of the artists were familiar to her.

“Are these um…‘lesbian specific’ singers?” she asked tentatively while holding up a CD for Ryan’s inspection.

“That’s a cute way to put it,” Ryan said. “I would say for the most part these artists are lesbians, but there is a good bit of generic women’s music also, along with some self help and spirituality tapes,” she said knowledgeably.

“How do you know so much about this place, and how do you know Babs?” Jamie found the courage to ask, hoping that she wasn’t prying too much.

“When I was a kid, I couldn’t get into the bars, even though I thought I looked quite mature,” she said smugly. “I read about this place in one of the lesbian newspapers I found in the Castro. I came over one day on BART and I became such a pest that Babs took pity on me and let me hang out on the weekends and earn a few bucks helping out.”

“So you’ve known you were gay for a long time?” Jamie asked with interest.

“I’ll tell you the whole sordid story,” Ryan agreed, “but let’s finish up in here first.”

Jamie spent quite a few more minutes looking carefully at the titles that lined the lilac painted wooden shelves. “I must admit, this is all a bit surprising to me,” Jamie said with a touch of embarrassment. “I guess I just never thought that there would be a whole cottage industry catering to lesbians like this. Do you think it’s necessary, Ryan?” she asked thoughtfully.

Ryan seemed to consider her question for a moment. She gazed at her carefully as she replied, “Yes, Jamie, I really do. When you think about it, gay people are the only minority group that doesn’t share their minority status with their parents. When people come out, many of them are overwhelmed by the experience. Even if their parents are supportive, they don’t know how to help. Places like this can be a lifesaver for people who are really struggling. I know it was for me,” she said somberly.

“I can see that it would really help someone who was sure of their preferences,” Jamie stated after a moment. “But what about girls who are just confused? Don’t you think this could push them into a place that they don’t really belong?” she asked with a look of concern on her face.

“I know you don’t know all of the lingo but gay people really prefer to have their sexuality be considered an orientation rather than a preference, Jamie,” she said clearly.

“I’m sorry,” she said quickly. “What did I say?”

“You referred to someone being sure of their preferences,” Ryan explained. “It’s not a real big deal but it’s not a preference for me.”

“Okaaay,” she said slowly, drawing the word out while she considered this. “I don’t really see the difference…”

“Okay,” Ryan said quickly. “I assume you consider yourself heterosexual, right?”

“Well, yeah,” she laughed. “So does Jack,” she added with a grin.

“But if you broke up would you accept a date from a woman?”

“Uhh…“Jamie found herself absolutely dumbstruck at this question. She seemed to have lost her ability to speak but Ryan replied for her.

“I take it that’s a ‘no’,” she said helpfully. “I think sexuality is like that for many if not most people. You focus on one gender for your sexual attraction. You don’t look at the whole human race and decide which one you slightly prefer, Jamie. Your orientation leads you to only look at men as sexual partners, right?” she asked quietly.

“Uhh…right!” she finally said, as a deep blush covered her face and neck. “Right!” she said again for emphasis.

“Please don’t be embarrassed, Jamie,” she said gently. “You’re not offending me at all.” She smiled sweetly and maintained eye contact as she continued. “That’s how it is for me too,” Ryan advised. “I don’t ‘prefer’ women. The thought of being with a man sexually has as much pull for me as being with my dog. And that’s not a put down of dogs or men,” she added with a laugh. “It’s just something so outside of my orientation that both of those options seem equally far-fetched to me.”

“Okay,” Jamie said slowly. “I think I get your point. And I can see why having it called a preference could be offensive.”

“Sorry if that seemed like a lecture,” Ryan said. “But I figure that you want to understand this stuff or you wouldn’t have taken the class.”

“Absolutely!” she agreed. “Now do you remember the rest of my question?”

“Verbatim,” she said with a waggling eyebrow. “I don’t think a place like this can push someone into a life that wasn’t right for them, Jamie. The purpose of this type of place is not to recruit. It’s to help people figure out their true orientation and learn to be comfortable with it.”

“But,” Jamie interrupted, “what about all the girls and women who are just dabbling in lesbianism? It sure is popular now to have ‘done it’ with a woman.”

“I doubt that those women will eventually consider themselves lesbians,” Ryan replied. I think for many of them it is a rite of passage, kind of like getting a tattoo or a piercing. In the long run though, that might be a good thing…it might remove some of the stigma from being gay if more people had some experience with the act.”

“I guess you could be right, but how do you think it will affect those women who are just playing around in the long run? Jamie persisted.

“You’re kind of making it sound like the Scarlet Letter, Jamie,” she said with a tiny frown. “For many women having sex is just that…sex. It’s no big psychological incident for most women if they’re just playing around. They know they’re just experimenting. I think the women who have a harder time are the true lesbians. For many of them having sex with a woman finally confirms their feelings. Then they have to deal with all of the fallout from that realization. And that’s where this place comes in.”

“I guess I see your point, but this is a lot to absorb. It’s kind of like visiting another culture. It takes time to get acclimated,” she reasoned.

“Maybe some coffee would help,” Ryan suggested with a smile. “Let me buy you one.”

As she settled down into a burgundy velour sofa Jamie accepted two large mugs of latte’ from Ryan. She waited until her friend was seated at a polite distance and handed one mug back to her.

“Ohh, this is good. I like the little sprinkle of chocolate on the top,” she said as she licked a white foam mustache from her top lip. “Do you have time to tell me the story of your sordid lesbian past?” she teased, reminding Ryan of her earlier promise.

“I’ve only got an hour,” she replied as she looked at her watch, “that should get us through a year or two if I gloss over the scary parts,” she drawled.

“Was it really hard for you Ryan?” she asked as her face grew serious. “I mean, you seem very happy being gay now.”

“Yeah, I am perfectly content with who I am now, sexually at least,” she said with a smile. “But it was really hard for me. I mean, I knew from a very early age that I was somehow different from the other girls. But I didn’t understand how I was different…I just knew there was something.”

“Did you have boyfriends when you were younger?” Jamie inquired gently.

“Nope…never had one. No dates, no crushes, nothing! And I don’t think I ever will at this point,” she replied with a small smile.

Jamie gave her a tentative smile as she shot a look up and down her rather voluptuous but still sleek form. “I don’t mean to embarrass you, but how did you avoid having boys hound you? You’re pretty gorgeous, you know.”

“Thanks,” Ryan grinned. “I was lucky because I went to an all girls high school, so that took some of the pressure off. There weren’t any guys around to make it obvious that I wasn’t interested. I was really into sports and the girls I hung out with weren’t very boy crazy either. Plus I was almost 5’ 10” by the end of 8th grade. I was a head taller than the boys my age until I was 16 or so.”

“So you really had no interest in going out with guys?”

“Zip,” she said decisively. “I liked boys, but I thought of them as friends. I just couldn’t imagine kissing one of them. I really didn’t understand what was going on with me. I mean, most of my friends talked about guys they liked and by high school guys were the main topic of conversation for most of my classmates. But it was not until the end of my junior year that it all fell into place for me.”

Jamie waited expectantly for Ryan to continue. But her face had clouded and she stared into her mug with a very sad look on her face.

“We don’t have to talk about this, Ryan,” she said softly as she placed her hand gently on Ryan’s forearm.

She looked up at her with such pain in her eyes that Jamie had to resist the urge to reach out and wrap her in a hug. “It’s okay, Jamie,” she replied with a little catch in her voice. “I knew I was gay because I finally realized that I was madly in love with my best friend.” She pursed her lips as she needlessly added, “Let’s just say that she did not share my feelings.”

Jamie slid her hand down and grasped Ryan’s hand. She gave it a little squeeze as she caught and held her gaze. “I’m sorry,” she said simply.

Ryan’s lips slowly curled up into a shy smile. “I don’t know why, but I’m kind of embarrassed by this,” she admitted, as a look of shame passed across her face. “I know it was a long time ago, but it still hurts me to think about it. Those early wounds don’t ever seem to go away. When I think of that time, I feel just as devastated today as I did then,” she admitted with a forlorn look.

“Well, I think it’s her loss to refuse a prize like you,” Jamie said before she could censor the words falling out of her mouth.

Ryan looked at her with a large measure of surprise on her face, but she recovered to give Jamie a huge crooked grin. “Easy for you to say now, but I was kind of a mess back then.”

“I rather doubt you were ever a mess, Ryan,” she replied confidently.

They passed the next few minutes in idle chatter. Ryan stood after a bit and shrugged out of her leather jacket, folding it neatly and placing it over the arm of the sofa. Jamie had a hard time controlling her desire to stare at Ryan’s sculpted body, starkly outlined by the skin tight French cut t-shirt that covered her. To her relief Babs approached again. “Hey, Irish, are you gonna ride again this year?” she asked as she nodded her head toward a large poster proclaiming the 5th Annual California AIDS Ride.

“Yep, I’m doing it again,” Ryan replied. “Don’t worry Babs, I’ll be hitting you up for a sponsorship sooner than you wish.”

“Oh Ryan, that is so cool! Every year I watch the news coverage of the ride. But I’ve never known anyone who has done it,” Jamie enthused.

“Well, now you do,” Ryan said, sounding pleased. “And don’t think I won’t try to wheedle money out of you too,” she added as she pinched Jamie’s cheek.

“No problem. I would be honored to support you,” Jamie quickly responded

“Don’t make it easy on her, honey,” Babs replied. “She can already sweet talk the silk off the corn. Make her work for it.”

As Babs wandered away, Jamie continued her inquiry. “How many times have you done the ride, Ryan?”

“Every year,” she replied with a note of pride in her voice. “This will be my 6th.”

“I really admire your dedication,” Jamie marveled. “It must be quite an ordeal.”

“It’s not too bad if you stay in training throughout the year. I just do the same amount of riding all year, so it doesn’t seem like that big a deal. There is one day of the ride that is a real bear though. It’s an inland day, so there isn’t much of a breeze, and it’s mostly uphill all day. That’s the time you just wish you could get in the sag van and ride the whole way.”

“Sag van?”

“Yeah, the ride is fully supported. There are vans to help you if you can’t make a hill. Some people use the vans to get up the worst of the hills. And of course, some get injured and have no choice,” she replied.

“I would love to come and watch you all take off this year,” Jamie stated, surprising herself at her forwardness.

“You could get a really good view, if you rode instead of watched,” she teased.

“I could never do anything like that,” Jamie complained. “I am way too much of a wimp.”

“That’s what most people think. But it’s not a race, it’s a ride. The point is to challenge yourself. People with AIDS are challenged every day just to survive. This is a really great way of showing your support,” Ryan explained.

“You know, I don’t know anyone who has had AIDS,” Jamie said as she wracked her brain.

“You’re lucky,” Ryan said as a flash of pain clouded her face, “You’re really lucky.”

***

At 8:30 sharp Ryan stood and stretched and gracefully slid her jacket back on. She held a smooth hand out to Jamie and said, “I can’t be late for work, so I’ve got to run.”

They rode the short distance in silence which was fine with Jamie since she needed all of her concentration to focus on the sensations of the ride. She had to admit that she enjoyed the experience even more on the return trip, now that she felt more comfortable being with Ryan. God, she is so easy to talk to, she thought. It feels like we’ve known each other forever.

As the bike pulled up in front of her house, Jamie struggled to get off with a little assist from her new friend. The engine was still running as Ryan retrieved Jamie’s helmet and secured it. “I had a nice time, Jamie, thanks for going with me.”

“I really enjoyed it, Ryan. Thanks for being such a good tour guide and for giving me my maiden motorcycle ride,” she added with a grin.

Ryan reached out and gave her shoulder a little squeeze. “Always happy to initiate a new convert,” she grinned with that devastatingly sexy smile. “See you tomorrow,” she called out as she roared away.

Jamie was so occupied in watching her ride away that she did not see Jack glaring at her from the front door.

***

As Jamie made her way to the door, she noted with alarm that Jack’s Accord was still parked in the driveway. Oh, oh, this is probably not good. She hit the first step of the wraparound porch as the front door opened.

“Hi,” Jack said quietly with an unreadable expression on his face.

“Hi, yourself,” Jamie replied as casually as possible. She made sure that she was smiling and did her best to adopt a neutral expression. “This is a nice surprise,” she said, as she stood on her tiptoes to wrap her arms around his neck and give him a kiss. She noted with alarm that he did not respond to the kiss and in fact seemed to move back away from her touch. She stepped back slightly and placed her hands upon his broad chest as she looked up into his eyes with concern. “What’s wrong, honey?”

“Where were you tonight, Jamie?” he asked while looking directly into her eyes.

“I had to work on a class project with Ryan, like I told you,” she answered with more than a touch of defensiveness in her voice. “Why?”

He backed away from the door and turned to cross the parlor. He began to climb the staircase, apparently to go to the bedroom. She noticed that he looked very tired, and his posture did not carry its usual confident attitude.

Jamie began to follow him up the stairs. She grabbed his hand as she caught up with him and pulled him to a stop. “Jack, what is wrong?” she demanded with growing alarm.

“In private,” he responded wearily

Jamie was beginning to panic as her mind grasped wildly for an explanation for his obvious anger. In their two years together they had never had what most people would call a fight. Of course they had disagreements, differences of opinion and the like. But they agreed on most of the important issues in life and both of them felt more comfortable keeping their relationship on an even keel. Usually, when one or the other was angry they would think of a reason to take a short time out, until the storm had passed. Jamie also realized that she usually gave in when there was a potential trouble spot. But tonight, there was no way out.

Jack entered her room and she followed close behind. He closed the door and made his way to her stereo system. He considered her CD’s for a moment before he made his selection and loaded the disk. Turning the volume louder than Jamie would have chosen he walked over to the love seat in front of the far window. He sank into the comfortable cushions and dropped his head into his hands. He looked weary and frustrated and Jamie knew this was going to be very bad.

“I feel like you’ve lied to me, Jamie,” he finally said behind sad and confused blue eyes.

“Lied to you? I’ve never lied to you Jack,” she said as she walked over to the loveseat and dropped to her knees right in front of him. She tried to grasp his hands but he shook her off rather roughly.

“Why didn’t you tell me about this class, or about this…woman?” he demanded as his eyes bore into her.

“What?! WHAT?!” she demanded in a louder voice. “What on earth are you talking about? What is the big deal?” She was becoming angry now both at his attitude and his obvious disapproval. “I’m taking a stupid psych class. Since when are you so interested in my schedule? May I point out that you never once asked me what I was taking this term? You acted completely uninterested,” she said defensively.

“Jamie this is not a class that a normal girl should take,” he explained as if talking to a slow child. “Why would someone like you want to spend their time learning about the ‘Lesbian Experience?’ “

Like a jolt, a light came on in Jamie’s head. She took a deep breath and asked slowly, “How did you know the name of the class, Jack?”

Now it was his turn to look defensive. “Jesus, Jamie, you’re out late, on a motorcycle no less, with some big dyke and you’ve told no one where you’re going. Cassie didn’t know, Mia didn’t know. I was worried about you!” he shouted.

“Oh, I see. You were worried about me because I was out until almost 9:00 p.m., right?” she questioned him carefully. “So you did what…look through my book bag and my organizer?”

“Yes, Jamie, I was worried about you and I did look through your stuff. But only to find out where you were. Cassie told me that woman was hitting on you. What if you had needed my help?”

Jamie was flabbergasted both by his behavior and by his assumptions.

“You have got to be kidding! Do you think I would spend the evening with someone who frightened me? Do you think I need your protection to get through the day? Who in the holy hell do you think I am Jack? I am not some little girl that you have to supervise. And what did you think would happen? Did you think she would throw me across her bike and kidnap me? Or do you think lesbians have to rape straight women to get any action?” She was really heating up now. “I am furious that you looked through my things. I never want you to do that again. Do you hear me?” This last was said at full volume as she stood and towered over him.

“Yes Jamie, all of Berkeley heard you,” he said bitterly. “It’s obvious that you are in no place to discuss this rationally. I’ll call you tomorrow.” He turned and started to make his way to the door. But Jamie was on him like a panther, grabbing his arm and abruptly turning him around.

“How dare you start this and then leave!!” she shouted in frustration.

He reached over to her small hand which was wrapped around his bicep and gently began to remove her fingers, one by one. “I said I’ll call you tomorrow,” he said firmly as he again turned and walked out.

She stood in the center of her room, panting from the flood of emotions that raced through her brain. She felt a stomach churning mixture of anger, sadness, hurt, betrayal and fear. Hurling herself to the bed she began to cry somewhat hysterically. She stayed just like that for a long while until exhaustion overtook her. Finally, she kicked off her shoes, removed her leather jacket and fell back onto the bed where she quickly fell into an exhausted sleep.

***

The next morning Jamie waited outside of the classroom until the professor entered. She didn’t want to have to make small talk with Ryan today. For that matter she didn’t want to speak to anyone but Jack. She was still terribly upset about their fight but she really didn’t want to talk about it with anyone else, particularly Ryan. Even though she didn’t know Ryan very well, she had a feeling that her new friend was perceptive enough to know if something was bothering her, so avoiding her seemed like the best idea.

That was so unlike Jack. I have to get to the bottom of this, but I have a very strong feeling that Cassie was involved in making this into a bigger deal than it had to be. Cassie must have said something that pushed him over the edge. He just doesn’t do things like that. She wished that she could have marched into Cassie’s room and confronted her last night. But Jamie tended to resolve her anger first, and then have a rational discussion later, and today was no exception.

As she took her seat, Ryan turned and smiled at her, mouthing a greeting. Jamie returned both with a look that was close to her normal demeanor in spite of her sour mood. Ryan was wearing a navy blue and cream vintage Hawaiian shirt and a pair of well-worn khakis. Jamie looked at the Teva sandals on her feet and hoped that she had not ridden her motorcycle. Maybe her mother should worry about those things for her, Jamie, she chided herself.

Linda took her usual place on the corner of the large wooden desk. “Hello people,” she greeted them in her usual cheerful manner. “Today we’re going to discuss social attitudes toward lesbian identity.” She launched them into a fascinating discussion of the subject. Jamie paid rapt attention, running her mind on two tracks. Although she was very focused on Linda’s words, she was concurrently applying those words to Jack’s behavior of the previous evening. The discussion was lively and most of the class participated. The hour passed much too quickly and she was still so filled with unanswered questions that she just could not turn off her brain at the end of class. As she sat at her desk, deep in thought, she sensed and then saw Ryan squat down next to her so they were at eye level.

“Hey, you look a little down today,” Ryan said carefully, her deep blue eyes filled with concern. “Are you alright?”

She took a deep breath and tried to answer but she just couldn’t find the words to express how she was feeling. Her head was still tilted down, causing her hair to fall into her eyes. With a terribly tender gesture Ryan reached up and gently brushed her bangs hack to reveal her troubled green eyes. “Yeah, sure,” Jamie lied weakly, “I’m fine.” Then, almost as an afterthought, she asked, “Do you have a few minutes to talk?”

Ryan glanced at her watch. “I have nearly an hour at your disposal,” she said with a warm grin as she held out a hand and pulled the troubled woman to her feet.

“Something happened last night that is really bothering me,” Jamie said pensively as she shot a glance up at Ryan.

“Was it something I did?” Ryan asked with concern clouding her face.

“Oh no, not at all. I had a great time with you,” Jamie admitted with a shy grin. “It was after you dropped me off that the shit hit the fan.”

Ryan took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Let’s go sit outside. There are some pretty good vending machines and we can get a soda.”

They walked in relative silence. Ryan glanced at Jamie occasionally, noticing that her friend seemed very deep in the problem that was bothering her. I hope she doesn’t want boyfriend advice, Ryan hoped. I’m pretty much out of my league there. For that matter I’m pretty much out of my league giving advice on almost any kind of relationship, she thought wryly.

As they approached the shaded outdoor patio Ryan reached into her pocket and fished out a handful of change. “I’ll buy…what’ll you have?”

“Um, some kind of soda, doesn’t really matter,” Jamie replied absently.

Ryan nodded and started to trot off but she spent another moment looking at Jamie’s face. She really doesn’t seem like herself today. I think I’ll get her some juice. She could use some energy instead of empty calories, she thought wisely.

She took the two bottles of cranberry juice and the two smaller bottles of apple juice over to the table. Jamie looked up at her in surprise with a question in her eyes.

“You just look like you could use a little energy,” Ryan shrugged.

Jamie was charmed by this thoughtful gesture and without stopping to censure herself she reached out and patted Ryan’s hand while giving her a sincere smile. “Thanks for caring,” she stated simply.

Ryan looked a little embarrassed at this gesture, but she gamely returned the smile. “So, what’s up?” she finally asked, as she began opening bottles.

“I was just thinking about our discussion of this morning,” Jamie said thoughtfully. “You know, about homophobia and heterosexism?” At Ryan’s nod, she continued. “I think I got a first hand example of both last night.”

“What happened?” Ryan asked, genuinely interested, but also a little worried that it concerned her.

“It seems that my roommates are overly interested in the fact that I am taking this class,” she finally answered. Jamie was not going to tell Ryan the whole context of her evening. She did not want to hurt her new friend’s feelings so obviously she would not tell her that Jack called her a big dyke. And she also did not want to reveal issues that she felt belonged to her and Jack alone, so she tip toed around the issue as carefully as she could, while still telling enough to be able to get some advice.

She continued, “One of my roommates apparently told my boyfriend about the class and he flipped out that I had not told him about it. What really has me confused is why he had such an emotional reaction to the mere fact that I was taking a silly class.”

“Was he also upset that you were with me?” Ryan asked softly, lowering her eyes to the table.

Jamie did not really want to go there, but she did not feel comfortable lying to Ryan either. “Um, I guess that was part of it, she finally admitted. “But I think the bigger problem is that my roommate stirred up some suspicion in his mind. I guess it just surprised me that they would all be so weird about it. You know; the class and the topic and, well, you.” Jamie was also staring at the table by this time. She felt Ryan’s reassuring hand gently grip her folded ones.

“That is exactly what Linda was talking about today,” she told her gravely, blue eyes locked on green. “Many people have an almost physical reaction to gay people and gay issues. I can’t say I totally understand it, but I see it often in my life,” she admitted sadly. “Those reactions have caused me a lot of pain through the years, Jamie. I’m very sorry that you had to experience it too. I just hope that it will not affect our friendship. I really like you,” she said shyly as her eyes once again fell to the ground.

“Oh no, Ryan. I like you too,” she agreed forcefully. “This is an issue that they are going to have to get used to. I just want to understand it better so I can help them get through it.”

Ryan looked at her carefully as she pursed her lips in thought. “Can I ask you a personal question?” she finally inquired.

Jamie fidgeted in her seat as she tried to guess what her new friend wanted to know, but she replied, “Sure, what is it?”

“Why didn’t you tell your boyfriend you were taking the class?”

4 excuses readily popped into Jamie’s head: they hadn’t discussed her schedule at all; Jack was too busy to be bothered with the details of her life; she didn’t think it was important; she was going to tell him when she got a minute. But as she gazed into Ryan’s eyes she felt drawn to be completely honest with her. As she opened her heart she realized that she had not been honest with herself, either. She was surprised to hear her own answer, “I didn’t think he’d like it, and I was afraid that he would either talk me out of it or somehow make me feel bad about it.”

Ryan didn’t say a word in response. She just slowly nodded her head as if she had expected that answer. Jamie wondered what was going on behind those ice blue eyes but Ryan wasn’t giving up her secrets today. She patted Jamie’s shoulder and said, “I’ve read some really good books on homophobia and heterosexism. Call me at home this afternoon and I’ll give you the titles. I’ll be home by 3 and I don’t leave for work until almost 5. But speaking of time, I’ve got a bio lab in 5 minutes,” she said as she stood and chugged her remaining cranberry juice. She eyed Jamie’s untouched apple juice as she hefted her enormous book bag onto her shoulder.

“Go ahead,” she said generously. “You are a bit of a bottomless pit, aren’t you?” she teased.

“My father always says I have two hollow legs,” she happily agreed.

“You get going…I’ll call you later.” Jamie gave her a much more relaxed smile as Ryan took off at a surprisingly fast clip.

***

The phone rang shrilly in the neat white home in the Noe Valley. It was picked up on the 2nd ring and answered by a deep, melodic male voice. “Hello,” the voice rumbled.

“Hello, this is Jamie Evans, is Ryan at home?”

“Hold on a minute and I’ll check,” he politely offered.

“RYAN! PHONE!” he bellowed.

Ryan trotted up the stairs from her basement room to glare at her brother. “Thanks a lot Conor. Very cultured. All those years of charm school really paid off. Do you know who it is?” she inquired.

“I assume it is the girlfriend du jour,” he replied with a French accent.

“That’s helpful,” Ryan said as she elbowed him out of the way. They tussled briefly before she wrenched the receiver from his hands.

“Hello,” she finally said into the phone.

“Jeez, what’s going on over there?” Jamie inquired. “It sounded like the phone was being ripped from the wall.”

“Well that has happened, actually more than once,” Ryan remembered. “That was just my charming older brother trying to gain some much needed attention,” she said as she glared at the brother in question.

“I didn’t know you lived with your brother,” Jamie said.

“Actually I still live at home,” Ryan replied. “Much to my regret, at times,” she said as she stuck her tongue out at her grinning brother.

“I don’t know why, but you don’t seem like the type to live at home,” Jamie mused. “I guess you just seem too independent.”

“No, that’s not really what I’m like,” Ryan said easily. “I’m really close to most of the members of my family,” she giggled as her brother snuck up behind her and tickled her around the waist. “Stop it!” she shrieked as Jamie laughed at her surprisingly adolescent girlish giggle.

“It sounds kinda wild over there,” she finally commented as Ryan continued to giggle.

“It’s always wild over here,” she agreed as she tried to control her breath. “Oh, I’ve got those titles for you,” she said as she reached into her pants pocket for a folded piece of paper.

“Great,” Jamie said. “I’m ready”

After they conversed for a few minutes Ryan excused herself to get ready for work. As she began to walk back down the stairs to her room, her brother spoke from his place on the sofa.

“Was that today’s entree, Ryan?”

“No, Conor,” she explained patiently. “Actually that one is in your camp. She is a woman from my psych class and she is straight!” she said with mock alarm.

“Not for long, Sis, not for long,” he predicted with a chuckle.

***

After her conversation with Ryan Jamie hopped in her car and drove to the bookstore they had visited the night before. She knew that the store would definitely have the titles that Ryan had told her about and she guessed that Barnes & Noble might not. After purchasing the books she got back in her Porsche and began the long drive down to Palo Alto. Jack was due to be home by 7 or so and since she imagined the trip could take up to 2 hours she felt she needed to brave the usually heavy traffic to be there when he got home.

Much to Jamie’s surprise the trip took merely an hour. So she was in Palo Alto by a little after 6 p.m. She had a key to the apartment, but after the fight she was reticent to show up without his permission. Instead she went to her favorite coffee shop, just down the street from Jack’s. She settled herself down at a table with a steaming cup of latte’ and began to peruse her purchases. She was immediately engrossed by ‘Loving Someone Gay’. The time flew as she concentrated on the book. It seemed like only a few minutes had passed but she glanced at her watch and saw that it was already 7 p.m. She retrieved her cell phone and dialed his familiar number. Jack answered on the 3rd ring.

“Hi,” she said as neutrally as possible.

“Jamie,” he said, a clear tone of relief in his voice. “I just called your house, but no one knew where you were.”

“I’m right down the street, Honey,” she relied warmly. “If you want to see me I can be there in 5 minutes.”

“Of course I want to see you,” he said fervently. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you all day.”

“Okay, I’ll be right there,” she agreed, with relief flooding her voice.

By the time she had put her purchased books in her bag and began to exit the shop she could see Jack’s long form jogging down the street. That’s better than an apology, she thought as she smiled widely at his approaching form.

She walked just a step or two before he was upon her. He lifted her effortlessly off her feet as his arms fully encircled her small waist. He squeezed nearly all of the air out of her lungs as he nestled his head between her shoulder and neck. She leaned back a bit to regard him as he uttered with his eyes closed, “I am so sorry, Jamie. I acted like a total asshole and I hope you can forgive me.”

She responded with a tender kiss to his soft lips. That kiss was followed by another, slightly less tender but with a bit more emotion. As he lowered her softly to her feet

he grasped her cheeks with his large hands. He pulled her close for a dizzying series of kisses that left her panting. “Let’s go,” she rasped out as she grabbed his hand and began to lead him down the street.

The pent up emotion of the past 24 hours began to pulse in her veins as they covered the short distance. As they entered the apartment she grabbed him by the shirt and roughly pushed him against the wall. He gasped a bit in surprise at this totally unexpected display of aggression from his normally demure lover. She pounced upon his mouth and kissed him thoroughly, until she felt his knees begin to buckle. They began to slide down the wall in tandem as she fought frantically to undo his belt. He wrenched his t-shirt over his head as she bent to focus intently on her task. Finally she had loosened his belt and unzipped him. She grabbed his jeans and shorts with her small hands and yanked them as far down his legs as their position would allow her.

He was sitting with his back against the wall, pants around his shins as Jamie straddled his thighs. He grabbed her golf shirt by the hem and pulled it over her compliant outstretched arms. As she threw her arms around his neck for another bout of heated kisses he expertly removed her bra. The only barrier now was her jeans and Jack could not tolerate this encumbrance to her skin for another second. He grasped her around her waist and tumbled them both onto their sides. His nimble hands slid her zipper down with agonizing slowness, hearing the click, click, click as the metal gave way. They both gasped at the sound and at the promise of what lay ahead. Then Jamie pushed her jeans and panties down and out of the way.

She took the opportunity the momentary distraction provided and rolled him onto his back on the hardwood floor. She straddled him again as she grabbed his hands and placed them firmly on her breasts. Using her own hands to guide him she pushed his hands against herself roughly. She began to grind his large hands against her aroused breasts with a brazenness that Jack had never before seen her display.

She dropped her head to his and again began the assault on his lips. Her tongue entered his mouth as she let out a fierce, animalistic groan. His hands never stopped grasping and squeezing her now tender breasts. She slid back a bit onto his lap as he raised his knees. She impaled herself on his aching member and she rode him for a few short moments before she screamed out her release. He followed her seconds later as she collapsed onto his chest.

Their sweat-drenched bodies lay tangled together, arms, legs, jeans all entwined.

“Does that mean I’m forgiven?’ he finally asked with a wan smile from his languid stupor.

***

They passed the rest of the weekend in a familiar pattern. Jamie caught up on most of her reading for the week and completed her short paper on the visit to the bookstore. They sat together in the sunny, small living room focused on their studies. Jamie had gotten current on all of her classes while Jack had just started to make a dent on his by Saturday night. Late in the afternoon she began to make dinner after taking a quick trip to the grocery store. She had decided to make Jack’s favorite meal, chicken enchiladas, as a little peace offering. After their bout of passion yesterday evening their relationship seemed back to normal. They did not discuss the fight at all and that was fine with her. Both of them thought that the blow up was a one time only occurrence and neither saw the need to rehash it. That was one thing that both of them appreciated about their relationship. Neither of them needed or wanted a lot of drama to keep them entertained. But even though she was not a drama queen Jamie had to admit that she had never felt as much lust for Jack as she had yesterday. Maybe a blow up is a good idea every once in a while, she thought.

***

After dinner Jamie watched a movie that she had rented while on her earlier errand. She watched wearing headphones, as Jack was still diligently working away. They sat on the couch together, he sitting up, she lying on her side with her head on a pillow at the other end of the couch, and her legs resting on his lap. His textbook was resting on his thighs, but propped up by her legs.

Around midnight Jack gently stroked her arm to wake her. “C’mon sleeping beauty, time for bed.” He helped her to sit up but she only lasted in that position for a moment before she collapsed onto his chest.

“Too tired,” she grumbled sleepily.

He turned a bit and reached under her knees with one arm while the other cradled her back. He rose with her in his arms as she nestled down into his embrace.

“My hero,” she crooned softly.

They reached the bedroom and Jack placed her on the edge of the bed. He bent to remove her shoes as she fell to the bed in an exhausted heap. He eventually removed the rest of her clothing with not a bit of help from Jamie. He smiled at her as she lay naked, legs hanging off the side of the bed, arms stretched out over her head, just as he had left them after removing her shirt. He took off his clothes as well, taking his just removed t-shirt and placing it over her head. He wrestled her arms into the garment and moved her into a more comfortable position. Then he slipped into a pair of cotton pajama bottoms and joined her. He had never met anyone who fell asleep so soundly or completely. It was a trait that he found undeniably cute, even when it prevented him from making love to her. He pulled her into an embrace, kissing her face and head, and then settling her against his side as they both fell into a deep sleep.

***

Jamie began to wake just as the dawn was beginning to break. Her first sensation was of a tender, languid touch roaming up and down her bare legs. Hands slowly moved to the front and began a slow, teasing dance on her twitching thighs. Slowly she began to gain some semblance of consciousness. She began to respond to the touch by gently sliding into it. It was clear that she was not fully awake, but also clear that she was not asleep.

The touch moved up her body to tenderly rub her stomach, sides, breasts and arms. Her t-shirt disappeared and the touch now encompassed her whole bare body. Jack was still lying on his side behind her. She began to move her hips in time with his touch. As she arched her back into him sensually he turned her so they lay face to face. He began to slowly, teasingly kiss every part of her that he could reach. After a seeming eternity she was softly moaning and grinding her hips, needing his immediate attention. He responded quickly at this point, slipping into her as she let out a small gasp. They moved together smoothly and she was happily surprised to find herself once more groaning out her release, minutes later.

Jack cuddled her and spoke nonsense words of love into her ear for a few tender moments. The feeling of warmth and contentment overtook her again and she fell back into a sated sleep.

At 10 a.m. Jamie pried her eyes open and forced herself to look at the bedside clock. Wow, I had the strangest dream, she thought. After a quick physical inspection however, she realized that she had not been dreaming. God, two times in two days! What’s gotten into him? For that matter, what’s gotten into me? Whatever it is I hope it stays around, she laughed to herself.

***

Jamie felt much better about her relationship with Jack when she returned to Berkeley. By Monday morning she was still in high spirits during her psychology class and she received a good bit of teasing from Ryan after the class was over. “May I assume that things got resolved between you and your boyfriend?” she asked with a twinkle in her clear blue eyes.

Jamie gave her a smirk and replied, “We definitely made up. I’m not sure that we resolved anything, though. That behavior was so out of character for Jack that I’m just going to assume that he was momentarily possessed.”

“Hey, I’ve got my usual hour free, can I interest you in another bottle of juice or three?”

“Yeah,” Jamie replied, “that would be nice.” As they walked through the campus Ryan was pleased to notice that Jamie chattered away non-stop in her usual style. Jamie was first to reach into her book bag and offered to pay for the drinks so Ryan agreed and picked out a table, watching Jamie struggle to carry the four bottles back.

“I’m not even going to pretend that two of these are for me,” she teased.

“Actually, I could drink all four, so you’d better be careful,” Ryan replied with a little eyebrow wiggle.

“How do you consume all of the calories you do and stay so thin?” Jamie inquired as she shook her head.

“Well,” Ryan said thoughtfully, “I am really active, and then with all of the sweating I do at my job, I find I can eat whatever I want.”

“What in the hell do you DO for a living?” Jamie finally blurted out.

Ryan looked slightly confused as she answered, “I’m a personal trainer. I told you that.” Jamie began to laugh so hard that tears began to roll down her face. She clutched at her sides as she began to rock back and forth in her chair.

“Gee Jamie, I’ve had a lot of reactions but never that,” Ryan said confusedly.

“No, Ryan, I’m not laughing at your job,” she explained. “You had not told me what you do, and I let my fertile imagination run wild. I imagined you as some high paid lesbian prostitute.” At this Ryan threw back her head and roared.

After a few moments she wiped the tears from her eyes and gave Jamie a little half scowl. “Hey, it just dawned on me that might have been an insult,” she said slowly. “Are you saying I look like a prostitute?”

“No! Of course not!” Jamie explained. “But I couldn’t figure out why else you would have to time your clients for an hour, potentially have two at a time, and be able to take naps in between. And, let’s be honest Ryan, you are great looking and I could see women paying for the pleasure of your company.”

“Hmm,” she said as if contemplating switching jobs. “I wonder how many women share that view. Nah, I’d hate to mix business with pleasure,” she finally decided with a good natured grin.

***

They fell into a routine of spending an hour after class chatting before Ryan’s Biology Lab. Within a few weeks the habit was so ingrained that they didn’t even ask each other before they automatically began the short walk to the vending area.

Jamie had inquired once or twice about Ryan’s participation in the AIDS Ride, asking how her training was going. On a crisp, clear, September morning after another such question Ryan looked at her seriously and said, “You know Jamie, if you are at all interested I could get you ready to do the ride.” Jamie was nonplussed at the mere suggestion that she could accomplish such a monumental undertaking and quickly demurred.

“Ryan, I don’t even own a bike. I haven’t ridden at all since high school and I wasn’t very serious about it even then. The most energetic thing I do is play golf, and as I always say, if you can smoke while doing it, it isn’t a sport.”

“Everybody who rides has doubts about their ability Jamie. There were people on the first ride who had every type of physical and emotional disability you can think of. The group has gotten more diverse every year since then. There are 300 pounders. There are people with missing limbs. There are people with AIDS. There were two people last year that had never been on a bike before they started training. From the looks of you,” she eyed her carefully up and down, “you have none of the above mentioned excuses.”

“Well, I guess you are right. I don’t have a really good excuse. Do you really think you could get me ready to do it? It just seems like such a gargantuan task. I’m really out of shape, Ryan. I don’t know if it’s possible.”

“Gee, could you come up with any more excuses?” Ryan teased as her eyes twinkled playfully. “I’m quite confident I could get you ready if you want to try. I’ve trained people for ultramarathons and I’ve trained people for triathlons and the principles are the same. Start out slowly and build. I’m not saying it’s easy, because it’s not. But for me it is one of the most rewarding things I do,” Ryan stated firmly. “I lost my dear cousin Michael 10 years ago to AIDS. He was one of the sweetest men I ever knew and he was only 27 when he died. Any small thing that I can do to stop another family from going through that pain is worth any amount of sacrifice to me,” she said soberly.

Jamie sat in pensive silence for a few moments. “Well, if you are willing to take on a hopeless case like me, I’m willing to give it a try. Where do we start?”

Ryan beamed a smile that Jamie was forced to return. “I suppose the first order of business is to get you a bike, assuming you don’t have one. Can you afford to spend some money on a bike now?”

“Yeah, I can manage,” she said easily.

“When are you free to go shopping?”

“How about tomorrow?” Jamie suggested. “We’d better do it before I lose my nerve.”

“It’s a deal. I’m free from 10-1 p.m. tomorrow. I normally study during that break but I am amazingly caught up for a change. Is that good for you?”

“Perfect” Jamie agreed.

***

As agreed Jamie picked Ryan up at 10 a.m. and they drove to her favorite bike shop in Oakland.

“I’ve been coming here for a long time,” Ryan told her. “These guys really know their stuff and they don’t try to sell you things you don’t need.”

They entered the shop to a boisterous welcome from the gray haired man behind the counter. “Hi ya Ryan, long time no see,” he said with good humor.

“That’s only because you do such a good job on my bikes that I never have to come back. It’s your own fault, Bill,” she teased.

As he made his way around the counter Ryan made introductions. “Bill, this is my friend Jamie. I’ve convinced her to ride with me this year in the AIDS ride. But she doesn’t have a bike, so you need to fix her up.”

“Excellent, Jamie,” he said enthusiastically. “With Ryan as your guide you’ll do well. She has gotten some pretty hopeless characters through that experience successfully. So what do you have in mind?”

“I know nothing about bikes. You two are the experts. What do you suggest?” she said as she looked at Ryan.

“A road bike would be the best for the ride,” Ryan said thoughtfully. “The only downside is that you can’t take it off road at all. But it will let you climb hills easier and it goes a lot faster than a mountain bike.”

“Price is a big factor, Jamie,” Bill explained. “I can get you a road bike for $1000 but you will feel every pound on that long ride. At the other end of the spectrum, I can make you a bike that will feel like you’re riding on air…but that will cost some serious money.”

“I think I’m gonna need all the help I can get. I’d rather spend a little more to insure that I can do this,” she reasoned. “What would you suggest if money wasn’t a factor?”

Ryan’s eyes nearly flew from her head but Bill replied enthusiastically, “Not a factor at all?”

Ryan gathered her wits and interrupted, “Jamie are you sure that you mean that? Bikes can really get up there in a hurry. I mean, Bill won’t take advantage of you, but he can work with whatever budget you have.”

“Well,” Jamie reasoned, “what is the difference between a moderately priced bike and the top of the line?”

“There are a lot of factors that are influenced by price,” he admitted. “The higher quality components are a lot smoother and more responsive. But the biggest factor is weight. You could easily save about 7 pounds of weight by going with top quality,” Bill responded. “The higher priced bike would have much lighter components. You would save 3 pounds just on wheels alone if I made you top quality rims. Now, 7 pounds doesn’t sound like a lot, but believe me, you would notice it— especially on a 500 mile ride.”

“500 MILES!” Jamie shouted. “I’ve driven to L.A. and it’s only 380 miles. What gives, Ryan?”

“Oh, didn’t I mention that the route is not real direct?” Ryan replied casually as her attention was seemingly focused on a new bike seat.

Jamie had her hands on her hips and was glaring at Ryan with narrowed eyes.

Slowly she raised her head and looked at her friend with a slightly chagrined expression. “Come on, Jamie. Do you really think 380 miles would be easy? The difference between the two is pretty minor over 7 days.”

“Well, I guess that’s true,” she agreed, somewhat placated. “What do you think I should do, Ryan?”

“If I could afford to drop 7 pounds off my bike, I would be first in line to do so,” Ryan stated without hesitation. “But it’s not something you need to do if you can’t comfortably afford it.”

“I can afford it, and I really do want to make this as enjoyable an experience as possible,” Jamie replied.

“Looks like this is your lucky day Bill; show us some frames.”

“Cute ones,” Jamie demanded with a twinkle in her eyes as she grinned up at Ryan.

“Cute ones,” Ryan somberly agreed.

***

They left the bike shop a little before noon. “I’m famished,” groaned Ryan, theatrically clutching at her stomach. “I’ve never seen anyone take longer to make a decision on anything.”

“I wanted to make sure I got what I wanted,” Jamie defended herself. “You’re the one who convinced me to have Bill make the bike rather than buy a stock model.”

“I would have taken you to Target if I knew it was going to take so long,” she said with a teasing grin.

“Okay, you big baby, I’ll buy you lunch. And I know just the place,” she said with a wink as they climbed into the Porsche and drove a short distance to ‘Luca Deli’ in Oakland.

“Oh wow,” Ryan enthused. “I did not know there was one of these in the East Bay. I go to the main store in the Marina all the time. I absolutely love this place.” Her clear blue eyes lit up as she licked her lips in anticipation of her meal.

“You really are easy to please,” Jamie marveled. While they waited in line at the counter she reflected that one of Ryan’s most appealing qualities was the joy she experienced at the little things life offered. She had an unguarded, childlike exuberance that was truly infectious, and Jamie marveled that she never felt more alive than when she was with her new friend. As she watched Ryan carefully peruse the menu she laughed to herself. Ryan read every word and changed her mind at least 6 times while they waited to order. “It’s almost our turn, Ryan. Are you able to stick with your decision?”

“You are referring to the highlight of my day, Jamie,” she explained patiently. “Lunch is my favorite meal. And since eating is my favorite activity, lunch is no laughing matter.”

As Ryan spoke Jamie began looking though her wallet. “I’ve only got $47 on me. Do you think that will cover it?” she asked innocently.

“I’ll go easy on you since you’re new at this,” Ryan drawled. “But next time don’t be so unprepared. A trip to the ATM is always a good idea before you offer to buy me lunch.”

After ordering their food they found a little table outside. The weather was starting to turn, but the table was in the bright noonday sun so they were quite comfortable even without jackets.

“So,” Ryan said after they got comfortable. “That was some exhibition of buying power. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Bill look so happy. He hasn’t made that much off me in 7 years.”

Jamie blushed a little at having the spotlight on her financial status. “It just made sense to buy the better bike for a ride like this,” she explained.

Ryan gazed at her for a moment as if deciding whether to ask a question. Finally she curled the corners of her mouth up in a small grin and asked, “I don’t mean to ask an indelicate question, but are you loaded?”

“Gee, I’m glad that wasn’t indelicate,” Jamie retorted as she playfully slapped her arm.

Ryan quickly backpedaled when it looked as if her friend was offended. “I’m sorry if I’m prying,” she quickly added. “You really don’t have to answer that question.”

“It’s not that, Ryan, I don’t mind talking about private things with you. But I get kind of embarrassed by it. I mean, oh, it’s hard to explain,” she fumbled.

“So loaded is not a strong enough word?” Ryan offered helpfully with a crooked little grin.

“Not really,” Jamie said with a tinge of shame. “More like filthy rich.”

“How filthy?” Ryan asked with a leer.

“Obscenely,” Jamie flatly stated.

“Wow! I’ve never been friends with anyone obscenely rich. That’s really kind of cool,” she admitted with a pleased smile. “Will you pay me to like you? For the right price I could even be your best friend,” she teased.

“Very, very funny.”

“I feel like I can tease you because you so do not seem like a rich kid. If it wasn’t for the Porsche and the bike you seem just like me,” Ryan observed. “But if you’re really sensitive about it I promise I’ll never tease you about it again.”

Jamie considered the question for a moment. Ryan was looking at her with that open, guileless expression that just made Jamie feel like she could trust her with any of her secrets. “It’s okay when you tease me, Ryan. I don’t know why but your teasing never seems mean spirited. I hate to be so sensitive about this but it has been a problem for me throughout my life.”

“Do you feel like talking about it?” Ryan asked with such a friendly, accepting expression that Jamie found herself telling her the whole family story.

“My mother comes from very old money,” she explained. “Her maternal grandfather owned most of the coal mines in the country at the turn of the century. And her father’s family was pretty well off, too. They’re 6th generation Californians and they’re into the whole social scene. My dad was pretty middle class, though. His father is an Episcopal priest and his mother was a homemaker. We live mostly off his money now..and he works his tail off. My mother uses her money for trips and she bought most of our houses and the like. But my father has always stressed the value of money and I was given a very modest allowance when I was growing up. I try not to flaunt my wealth, because it really puts people off, but it is a part of my life, and I want my close friends to know about it.”

“I’m glad you told me, Jamie,” she said sincerely as she fixed her with a mesmerizing stare. “It means a lot to me that you trust me to know about your financial status.”

“I do trust you, Ryan. I can’t imagine that you’ll let this get in the way of our friendship.”

“No way,” she said emphatically. “After all, you haven’t let my lesbianism get in the way of our relationship,” she reminded her with a dazzling grin. “Tell me more about your father. It sounds like this would be a hard thing for most men to deal with. He must be really secure to have his wife be a lot more wealthy than he is.”

“Yeah, I respect him for it. Although now he makes a load as a partner in a big law firm. So we’re rich even without mother’s money now. But it must have been hard for him when they were first together,” she agreed.

“Do you spend much time with your extended family?”

“No, we really don’t. My mother goes to her mother’s family home in Rhode Island for at least a month in the summer. When I was little I would go with her. The whole extended family would be there, but I never felt like I fit in. They lived like the truly wealthy: servants everywhere, elegant dinners, spending the day sailing on huge yachts. But I just felt like I didn’t belong there. It’s hard to explain but I don’t like to classify myself by my money,” she said earnestly.

“I can see that would be kind of hard,” Ryan agreed. “What about your mother’s fathers side of the family. Aren’t they local?”

“Yeah, there’s tons of them around but it’s not a warm and fuzzy kind of group. They’re not into spending holidays together or anything like that; so I’d say my mother sees them at occasional social functions and the odd wedding and funeral. There’s no animosity or anything but there’s some definite emotional distance.”

“The difficult part is that my money has nothing to do with me. I got it as an accident of birth. I didn’t earn it or deserve it in any way. Sometimes it really is a burden,” Jamie said with a touch of sadness in her eyes.

“I can understand that,” Ryan said softly. “And I bet it doesn’t make it any easier since so many people erroneously believe they would be happy if only they had more money,” she sympathized.

“Exactly!” Jamie said with relief. “You really do understand, Ryan!”

“I really do, Jamie. The hard parts of my life would not change one bit because of money. I mean, I could work less if I earned more, but I would probably just buy more junk!” she laughed. “People are always talking about how much better their lives would be if they had more money. I’ve never understood that. If you’re happy you’ll be happy no matter how much or how little you have. And if you’re miserable all the money in the world won’t make you happy.”

“I think I’m going to consider your offer to be your best friend,” Jamie said thoughtfully after a moment. “How much will it cost me?”

Ryan’s eyes grew wide as a server delivered their heaping plates. “Consider yourself paid in full!” she said with a happy grin.

***

After plowing through her sizable lunch and picking over the remnants of Jamie’s, Ryan said, “Now we need to work out how we will train you for this ride.”

“What are our options?”

“Saddle time is critical. There is not much you can do to duplicate the feeling of actually riding. So we’re going to have to log a lot of miles. But to get the most out of your riding you have to be in pretty good shape. I don’t mean to be rude, but I don’t see a lot of muscle lurking under your skin,” she said as she reached for an absent bicep.

“Just cause I’m not rock hard like you doesn’t mean I don’t have any muscle,” Jamie replied defensively as she snatched her arm away before Ryan could get a good grip.

“I am just teasing, you know,” she said with twinkling eyes. “But the more muscle you have the more you can demand of your body. So we need to increase your cardiovascular capacity, tone your muscles and ride like crazy. The easiest way to work on your lungs and your muscles is at a gym. Do you belong to a club?”

“No, I was going to join one, but I never got around to it,” Jamie sighed.

“Well, now’s a good time to join. I assume you would like to work out in the East Bay. Obviously we could use my club, but that is too much traveling for you. My place has a branch in Oakland. I’ve never been there but I’m willing to check it out for you. Is there any place you have heard about that you would like to try?” Ryan inquired.

“Some of my friends go to a club they really like. Why don’t we both do some research and compare notes?”

“Sounds good. I’ll check mine out on the way home tonight. Let me know when you’ve checked out a few and then you can decide,” Ryan said.

“Great,” she happily agreed. “Now comes the hard part,” Jamie said gravely. “Obviously, I’m going to pay you for your time, Ryan. How can we work that out?”

Ryan’s eyes grew wide as she shook her head firmly. “I can’t charge you, Jamie. I want to do this because you’re my friend. It will be fun for me.”

“Ryan, I appreciate that and I would agree except for one thing. I know how busy you are. I’ve seen that little black book of yours, you know,” she said fondly. “This is how you make your living. If you were not working with me you would be working with a regular client, would you not?”

“Well yeah, sometimes, I guess so.” She said hesitantly. “But I can work you in without too much trouble. I’ve got 3 or 4 hours a week that are unscheduled, and I can work out with you sometimes, and I never do that with a client.”

“What are your arrangements with your club, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“I pay them a flat monthly fee, and I can work out whenever I want and train anyone who is a member. They hook me up with clients and I can bring people in myself. The member pays me directly, usually $40 per hour.”

“Do you train people who aren’t members?”

“Yeah, I have some private clients. There are some workout facilities that let trainers come in and pay an hourly fee. That allows me to train people who don’t belong to my gym. And I have one woman who has a gym at her house, but I didn’t see any iron laying around your place when I was there for dinner,” she teased.

“How much do you charge private clients?” Jamie inquired.

“$125 per hour if I like you,” she said with a waggling eyebrow. “The price goes up as your likeability goes down,” she said with a big grin.

“Is that really true?” Jamie asked.

“Yeah, the woman with the gym in her home pays me $175 per hour. And if she complains about the price one more time it’s going up to $200,” she laughed. “She started out at $125 like everyone else, but she kept bitching about how expensive it was. That made me mad so I raised her. She kept bitching, so I kept raising. Pretty soon I won’t have to take any other clients. She can support me,” she said smugly.

“How about this. If I join your gym I’ll pay you the standard $40. But if I choose to join somewhere else where you are not affiliated, I’ll pay you $125. Unless, I make you mad, of course,” she chuckled. “I know you don’t want to take my money but if I don’t pay you I won’t feel comfortable using you as often as I want. I want you to think of me as a client for this and give me your undivided attention, okay?”

“I don’t really like charging friends, Jamie. But I do want you to feel comfortable using me when you need to. So I’ll agree with one proviso. If I work out at the same time, you don’t pay at all, unless there is a daily gym fee. In that case you can pay to get us in, but that’s all. Okay?”

“That is an excellent deal, Ryan. You’re hired,” she agreed as they clasped hands and share a smile.

Chapter 3

During the next few days Jamie checked out 4 potential gyms. All were reasonably close to her home, but they were vastly different. Her first stop was at Mia’s club in North Berkeley. It was a rather toney, expensive place but Mia really liked it. She arranged for a visit and agreed to accompany Jamie.

Jamie agreed that the facilities were top notch but she hated the atmosphere. It was filled with young professionals and a few members of the Junior League set. Most of the people were quite good looking and very fit. There was a juice bar that was filled with people checking each other out while trying not to be obvious about it. The locker rooms were very nicely appointed, but it reminded Jamie of the girls’ rest room in high school during a dance. Women were comparing notes on which guys were there and who was dating whom. The dressing area was populated by women fixing their hair and adjusting their perfectly matched outfits prior to their workouts. Jamie realized that she might have chosen this place a few months ago but now she really wanted to work out—not socialize.

Next she looked at a club that was very close to campus and open 24 hours. It was fairly nice also, but she learned that she could not bring in her own trainer. That rules that out.

Next was a club that was inexpensive and populated by serious weightlifters. Maybe later, but right now this place would intimidate me.

Much to her surprise her favorite club was small, a bit out of the way and women only. ‘Women Power’ was obviously for women who were serious about working out. There was a small locker room that held only that…lockers No showers, no saunas, no Jacuzzis. But there was a dazzling assortment of free weights and well maintained weight machines. There were 5 elliptical cross trainers, 7 treadmills, 5 stair climbers, 5 recumbent bikes and 5 upright bikes. The women seemed friendly, but most of them were very serious about their workouts. The staff was all women also and what Jamie liked most was that she was free to bring Ryan for only $10 per visit. She also really appreciated that there was a clear price schedule for membership. No hard sell, no ‘special only if you sign up today’ garbage. They merely explained the price and asked her if she wanted a 1-week guest pass to try out the facilities. She happily accepted and called Ryan as soon as she got home to relay her findings.

Ryan had been unimpressed with the branch of her club in Oakland. So she agreed to meet Jamie at ‘Women Power’ to try it out. They decided to meet on Friday afternoon. Ryan was free from 2-6 p.m. so they agreed to meet at 2:30 since Jamie was free anytime after noon.

Jamie picked her up at their normal meeting place and they slogged through Friday afternoon Berkeley traffic to reach the gym. They had previously arranged for Ryan to take BART to campus that morning; that way Jamie could drop her off at work on the way to Palo Alto. As they muddled along a thought occurred to Jamie. “Have you eaten today?” she inquired suspiciously.

“Um, not really”, Ryan sheepishly admitted. “I did have breakfast, but I haven’t had any other breaks today. Why? Is my stomach grumbling?”

“Why didn’t you say something?” Jamie asked with an exasperated tone.

“I know you wanted to check this place out and I didn’t want to slow you down. I can get something before work. It’s really no big deal.”

“Oh please!” Jamie smirked. “The way you eat, missing a meal must be catastrophic to your system! Your poor stomach must be leading a revolt right at this minute.”

“It’s not that bad,” Ryan said as she looked at the site of the possible rebellion. “Although,” she patted her stomach as she leaned her head down to listen, “I do hear the faint signs of discord.”

Jamie glanced at her watch as she shot Ryan an amiable grin. “It’s only 2:35 now. If you’re due at work by 6 we don’t have to leave the East Bay until 5:30. If you’re not going to work out an hour and a half should be enough to decide if we like this place. We could easily spare an hour for you to eat.”

“Gosh, it all sounds so easy when you say it like that,” Ryan admitted as she closed her eyes. “I do so love lunch,” she purred with pleasure.

As Ryan completed her statement Jamie looked at the sensual smile on her face and realized with a bit of surprise that Ryan no longer flirted with her. That’s kind of weird. She was so flirty when we met and now she is just like any of my other friends. I wonder what changed? Maybe she really got the message that I was straight. I guess I should be thankful…it’s a lot more comfortable to be with her now. But still…

“Hey, anybody home in there?” Ryan asked in inquiry.

“Oh, sorry. What were you saying?”

“I just wondered where you wanted to stop. Now that you brought it up I have to feed the beast or there will be trouble,” she again patted her stomach as she grinned.

“What are you in the mood for? We can get you almost anything around here.” Jamie waved her hand at the plethora of restaurants on the surrounding streets.

“Hmmm,” Ryan’s eyes closed in concentration. One blue eye popped open momentarily as she asked warily, “I can have anything I want?”

“Yep. Anything,” Jamie answered authoritatively.

Jamie glanced at the intense look of pleasurable concentration on Ryan’s face and had to smother a laugh. She could almost see the panoply of international dishes floating through her imagination.

Finally, Ryan’s eyes opened fully and she said with barely contained glee, “Chinese.”

“Chinese it is,” Jamie replied. “And I know just the place.”

***

Ryan sat with a steaming bowl of hot and sour soup in front of her and a blissful look on her face. “This is divine, Jamie. How do you know so many good restaurants?”

“I like to eat too, Ryan. Not as much as you do, but I can hold my own. You should get me down to the Peninsula or the South Bay. I think I have been to every restaurant within 20 miles of Hillsborough. My dad was never home for dinner, and my mother loves to try new places so we cut a swath though the whole area. A place can’t be open for more than a week before my mother hits it.”

“That could not be more different from my experience. My family doesn’t go to a restaurant more than once or twice a year and that is only under duress,” she added.

“You know, Ryan, I really don’t know much about your family. Who’s at home with you?”

“Well, there’s my father, Martin, my oldest brother Brendan who doesn’t officially live with us, but he’s always there for meals, my brothers Conor and Rory and me, I’m the baby. Oops, I almost forgot my dog, Duffy, I guess he’s really the baby.”

“What about your mother?” Jamie asked tentatively.

“My mother is dead,” Ryan stated without explanation as she bent her head to concentrate on her soup.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Jamie stated sincerely. She wasn’t sure if Ryan wanted to discuss it but she asked, “Has she been dead long?”

“Yeah.”

Jamie continued to look at the top of Ryan’s head. When the deep blue eyes lifted Ryan realized that the question was still open so she elaborated, “16 years in December.”

“My God, Ryan, you were just a baby!” Jamie cried with alarm.

Her previously somber face eased into a small smile as she demurred, “Well, not quite a baby, but I had just turned 7.”

“Oh Ryan, that must have been devastating for you,” she said with sympathy.

Ryan paused for a moment, as if considering the idea. “I don’t think devastating covers it, to tell you the truth. Losing your mother changes everything. I don’t know if I would be a better or worse person, but I know I would be different if she was still alive,” she said thoughtfully.

“How did it happen?” Jamie asked softly.

“She had breast cancer,” she replied. After a moment she looked contemplative and continued, “You know, it’s funny. She was only 30 years old when she was diagnosed. She had no family history; she was thin; she ate a healthy diet; she had children when she was young; and she had good medical care. And she was dead in 4 years,” she said as she looked up at Jamie with a lost look in those deep blue eyes.

Jamie wasn’t able to say a word. She just reached over and tightly gripped Ryan’s hand as she looked into her eyes with empathy. They sat like that for a few minutes, sharing their feelings with their eyes alone. Ryan had never looked smaller, younger or more vulnerable. Jamie thought her heart would break at the feelings she could plainly see in her friend’s eyes. A solitary tear leaked out of Jamie’s eyes and Ryan reached over somewhat tentatively to wipe it away with a finger.

“Wow, I don’t know where that came from,” Ryan sighed as she leaned back in her chair. “I guess I’m feeling sadder than normal because her birthday is coming up.”

“Do you remember her well?” Jamie asked, not wanting to let go of this intimate moment.

“Yeah, I do,” Ryan said with a small smile gracing her lips. “She was basically sick from the time I can remember, but she tried so hard to be there for me. I still don’t know how she did it.” She smiled sadly as she shook her head briefly. I’m really lucky in that my family talks about her a lot. Although sometimes I don’t know if I really have all these memories or if I remember her through their eyes. I guess it doesn’t matter in the end though,” she said simply.

“Your father never remarried?” Jamie inquired.

“Remarried!” Ryan laughed. He’s never had a date that I know of. I guess he wasn’t much of a catch when we were young. Who wants a man with 4 wild kids who’s away from home for 3 days at a time?”

“You were left alone that much?” Jamie asked with alarm.

“No, we weren’t alone much at all until the boys got old enough to take care of me. We have a gaggle of aunts and cousins who all live in the City, many of them within walking distance. While my mother was sick and for the first few years after her death someone stayed with us when my father was at work. After a while, Brendan was old enough to be in charge. I’m sure it was hard on him, but he never complained,” she said reflectively.

“How old are your brothers?”

“Rory’s 25, Conor’s two years older than him and Brendan’s two years older than Conor.”

“Are you okay talking about all of this?” Jamie asked gently.

“Yeah, I am with you,” she replied with a little shy smile as she looked up at Jamie through her hooded eyes. “I don’t talk about her much with people outside of the family, but it feels good to talk about it with someone who isn’t as invested as we all are.”

Jamie smiled at this admission and realized that she still gripped Ryan’s hand. She blushed a little as her hand released, only to have Ryan reclaim it with both of hers. “Thanks for caring, Jamie,” she said as they locked eyes.

Their server interrupted the moment as he appeared carrying plates of pan fried noodles, Szechwan green beans, and stir fried broccoli with mushrooms.

Ryan rubbed her hands together with a big smile as she waited for the plates to land. By the time the server had departed her chopsticks were ready for action. She dug in enthusiastically as Jamie watched with amazement. Ryan didn’t eat particularly quickly. But once she started, she did not slow down for a moment. She kept up a steady cadence that was not interrupted by unnecessary speech. She paid attention to Jamie, but mostly nodded and shook her head as required. Jamie understood that Ryan needed her mouth to eat rather than talk so she kept up a running monologue, mostly about school and her classes.

After Ryan had finished every bite she leaned back in her chair in a pleasant post-prandial haze. Jamie regarded her with a smirk. “Do your brothers each as much as you do?” she asked.

“More, much more. Dinner time at our house is not for the faint hearted,” she admitted gravely.

“I would love to witness that,” Jamie laughed.

“That can certainly be arranged,” Ryan replied with one waggling eyebrow.

***

Jamie was pleased with Ryan’s appraisal of the gym. “This place is the bomb, Jamie,” she said with a big grin on her tanned face.

“I really like it too,” Jamie agreed. “Shall we get to work?” Jamie was wearing an emerald and navy blue sports bra over matching thigh length nylon shorts, exposing her completely to Ryan’s considered gaze. Those blue eyes wandered up and down her lithe form for another minute or two. She began to shift nervously as she finally said, “I feel like a deer in the headlights, Ryan.”

“Oh, sorry,” Ryan said with a grin. “I was just trying to get an impression of your current musculature.”

“It’s that bad?” Jamie asked tentatively.

“No, of course not,” Ryan assured her. “In fact you really have a great body. But you can definitely use some more muscle here,” she ran her long cool fingers down both of Jamie’s shoulders, stopping at her elbows, “and here,” another pair of gentle tracings down the front of her thighs. “Now we haven’t talked about this much, but have you thought about whether you really want to change your body?”

“What do you mean?” Jamie inquired warily.

“Nothing bad,” Ryan giggled a little at her expression. “It’s just that some women don’t think it’s womanly to show muscle. And some men don’t like it either. I just wondered how your fiancé felt about you looking buff.”

Jamie realized that this was the first time they had ever discussed Jack and his proprietary interest in her body. But she was quite sure she did not like the implication. “He doesn’t get a vote,” she replied firmly. “My body…my choice. Besides, I think women look great with muscles. I think they enhance femininity so long as they’re natural looking.” Jamie had a sudden interest in seeing Ryan exposed much as she was. It occurred to her that she had never really seen her muscles. Ryan was usually pretty well covered up—much as she was today. Jamie looked at her navy blue warm ups and wondered what was underneath them. You’d better not go there, Jamie. What was that about being glad she doesn’t flirt with you any more?

“That’s great. I’m glad you’re comfortable with this. But is there anything you would like to change? I mean if we can,” Ryan added.

“I’m not sure what you mean. Are you saying I get to choose how I change?”

“To some extent, yes,” Ryan agreed. There are certain areas on any body that respond more quickly to weight training. But there is some genetic predisposition that affects the final outcome,” she added knowledgeably.

“So are you saying that you can project those areas on me?” Jamie quizzed.

“Kind of,” Ryan said. “Do you mind me staring at you again?”

“Be my guest,” she replied as a warm flush crawled up her cheeks and she tried to adopt a casual pose.

Ryan stood back a step or two and crossed her arms across her chest. Once again she stared at Jamie’s body; starting at the shoulders and working her way down. “Because of your height I would guess that large leg muscles would not really look great,” she observed. “And I would also guess that your legs and butt tend to get big easily.” She gently squeezed the muscles at the middle of Jamie’s thighs and nodded her head. “I think your quads could really get big if you liked that look. But if you didn’t want that we would want to work on elongating your muscles there, rather than just making them big.”

Next she placed her hands on Jamie’s shoulders. “You have a nice deltoid just waiting to come out here.” She placed her fingertips loosely on the tops of Jamie’s shoulders again and slowly traced her thumbs over the muscles just above her breasts, “And you could develop really nice pecs. And if I’m not mistaken,” she said as she ran the flat of her hand slowly down Jamie’s bare abdomen, starting just under her bra and stopping just above her pubic bone, “you could have killer abs.” This she said with a real twinkle in her eyes.

“How can you tell that?” Jamie asked thinly as she struggled to replace the saliva in her mouth.

“You don’t have hardly any adipose tissue there. Those muscles are just dying to pop out. Me, on the other hand,” she lifted her jacket and her white nylon shirt to expose her tanned abdomen, “I’ve got a pretty thick layer of fat here. No matter how much I work on my abs they can’t pop out like yours will.” As she spoke she grasped Jamie’s hand and placed it on the warm body part in question. “Here, feel the difference.” Now she placed the hand on Jamie’s stomach. “See what I mean?”

Jamie was now fully involved in the exercise. “I do, I really do. Mine feels like just skin covering muscle but yours is softer.” She gave Ryan’s stomach a little pat, “but there’s some pretty hard muscle right under that…what do you call that tissue again?”

“Adipose tissue. That’s trainer talk for fat.” She whispered this last word right into Jamie’s ear.

This received a chortle from Jamie. “I think your fat is in all the right places, Ryan.”

She received a smile and a small laugh in return. “Part of the occupational requirements. Can’t have an out of shape trainer.”

***

After the preliminaries they worked their way from machine to machine. Ryan had a little notebook which she used to mark every machine. She carefully adjusted each machine to perfectly fit Jamie; then indicated each of these positions in her book. She then made an estimate of the weight she thought Jamie could handle, while she explained how to perform the exercise. Ryan explained that each correct movement through the exercise was called a repetition, or a rep. Ideally, Jamie would perform somewhere between 12 and 15 reps. Ryan said that Jamie should begin to feel fatigue by the 12th or 13th rep, but no sooner. If she was tired before that, the weight was too heavy. If she felt like she could do another 5 or 6 reps without a break, then it was too light.

Ryan explained that there was no easy way to figure out the perfect weight to start with. It was all trial and error. She also said that eventually Jamie would perform 3 sets of each 15 rep exercise, with a minute rest in between sets. As for now, her goal was to get Jamie comfortable with the exercise and get a feel for her capacity.

“An important thing to remember is that you need to acclimate your body slowly to this new level of stress. Don’t force yourself to do things that don’t feel comfortable. I want this to be pleasurable for you,” she reminded Jamie.

“So what’s this I hear about ‘no pain, no gain?’ ” Jamie asked.

“That is true to a certain extent,” Ryan admitted. “Your muscles enlarge from stress. The stress of tearing small fibers and allowing them to heal is what causes them to grow. But a slight discomfort is all you really need to feel. If you are really sore, I haven’t done my job well. But you need to remember that this work is stressful. You should drink more fluid than you normally do to flush the lactic acid from your system. And eating well is pretty critical also.”

As Jamie performed each of the exercises Ryan paid close attention to her form. She carefully watched her face for signs of stress or too much exertion. Ryan placed one hand at the highest point that she wanted Jamie to extend, and her other hand at the lowest. On the machines where she was forced to move a lot of weight, like the reclining leg press, Ryan gripped the foot plate in her strong hands and pulled it back to reduce the stress on Jamie’s legs.

After an hour, they had covered all of the exercises for her legs. Ryan suggested they stop so that Jamie was not overwhelmed with information. Jamie agreed and shook her tired legs out. “Let me help with that,” Ryan offered.

“Okay,” Jamie agreed, a bit tentatively.

Ryan grabbed a floor mat and instructed her to lie down on her tummy. She grasped Jamie’s foot and slowly pushed her leg toward her butt. She held that position for a few moments, and then repeated the stretch with the other foot. After instructing Jamie to turn over she gripped her foot with both hands and pushed until Jamie’s knee was near her chest. Again, she held the position before she switched to the other foot. Now she gripped behind her ankle with one hand and placed a restraining hand on her knee. She pushed her leg toward her body until Jamie’s butt started to lift off the floor. “Keep your butt down,” she instructed. “This will give you a nice stretch in your hamstrings,” she said as she indicated the back of Jamie’s thigh. After she had completed the stretch, she picked Jamie’s foot up and braced it against her chest. She then began to massage her thigh with strong, knowing hands. Jamie closed her eyes in pleasure as Ryan’s hands kneaded her tired muscles deeply.

“Do you do this to everybody?” she asked as she slowly lifted her torso up and rested her weight on her forearms.

“Yeah, pretty much,” Ryan replied.

“Then you don’t charge nearly enough,” she said weakly as she felt herself collapse into a boneless heap on the mat.

Ryan laughed as she offered a hand down to her, “C’mon jellyfish. They frown on sleeping on the floor.” As she was pulled to her feet Ryan said, “The only bad thing about this place is that there are no showers.” She looked at Jamie’s sweat drenched head and clothing. “You really should not drive all the way to Palo Alto in those clothes. I’m afraid you’ll stiffen up.”

“It’s only 4:30, we could go by my house so I could take a quick shower,” she suggested.

“I think you should do that,” Ryan agreed. “I could just take BART home if you don’t want me to come with you,” she offered hesitantly.

“Why would I…” then Jamie realized what Ryan was getting to. “Are you worried about my roommates?”

“No, I’m not worried about them. I just don’t want them to hassle you about hanging out with me,” Ryan stated quietly.

“Ryan, I am honored to be your friend. Anyone who doesn’t like you is not worth my time,” she said firmly.

Her face broke into an adorable grin as she blushed just a tiny bit. “Thanks, Jamie. That means a lot to me,” she said sincerely.

***

Despite her protestations, Ryan was relieved when they entered the house and found it empty. “I’ll just sit down here and read, if that’s okay,” Ryan said.

“Sure. Make yourself at home, I’ll only be a minute.” Jamie started to walk up the stairs when she winced a little bit. “I think you were right about these babies tightening up,” she agreed.

“C’mere for a second,” Ryan said. “I can loosen them up again. It’s just because you let them get cold too quickly.” She directed Jamie to the area rug in the middle of the parlor. Jamie removed her sweats and lay down on the rug. Ryan once again began her strong massage. “After I get these loose, you should stay in a hot shower for a few minutes. Then they should be fine.” As Ryan continued to work on her legs, the front door opened and Cassie stared at them in surprise. Ryan dropped the leg as if it burned her and immediately adopted a guilty look. Jamie looked from Ryan’s face to Cassie’s shocked expression and rolled her eyes.

“Hi Cassie,” she said as casually as the atmosphere allowed.

“Uh, hi Jamie. Um, what’s going on,” she asked tentatively.

“Ryan and I were at the gym and my legs stiffened up. She was just loosening them up for me.”

“Um, you were at the gym?” she asked quizzically.

“Yes, I was at the gym. Ryan is a personal trainer and she is helping me get in shape for a bike ride,” Jamie replied.

“You need a trainer to ride a bike?” Cassie said uncertainly.

Jamie shot a quick glance at Ryan who seemed to have recovered her cool. “This is not just any bike ride, Cassie. Ryan and I are going to do the AIDS ride together. It’s from here to L.A.”

Cassie laughed hard at the mere thought. “Jamie you have got to be kidding. You don’t even have a bike.”

“I will as of Monday,” Jamie replied firmly. “And I’m not kidding. I think it will be a great learning experience for me. Plus it will give me a chance to really get in shape.”

“Why on earth do you need to get in shape? You’re very thin as it is,” Cassie said.

“I’m not trying to lose weight, Cassie. I’m trying to get fit. There is a difference, you know.”

“Okay, why do you need to get fit?” she patiently inquired.

“Well, so I can do this ride,” she fumbled.

“Doesn’t that logic seem just a teeny bit circular to you, Jamie?”

“No, it doesn’t. I really want to do the ride and I want to be in better shape,” she said a bit defensively.

“Whatever,” Cassie finally said with a shake of her long blonde hair. As she began to ascend the stairs she turned and asked, “Aren’t you going to see Jack this weekend?”

“Yes, I am,” Jamie relied evenly. “As soon as I take a shower, we’re leaving.”

“Oh, is your friend going?” she inquired sweetly. “I’m sure the three of you will have fun. Or is Jack bringing a friend too?”

Jamie laughed a little as Ryan casually picked up her leg and placed it once again on her chest. She continued the massage as if Cassie did not exist, “No, sadly not,” she replied just as sweetly.

Without further comment, Cassie turned and quietly took the stairs two at a time. When she was out of earshot Jamie mumbled, “I wish I lived alone.”

***

When they were back in the car Jamie summoned the courage to finally ask, “Why did you act so funny around Cassie?”

“What do you mean, funny?” Ryan inquired with just a touch of nervousness.

“I don’t know, kind of like you were caught doing something wrong,” Jamie finally admitted.

After a few minutes of silence Jamie thought that Ryan was just going to ignore the question. She was almost startled when her deep voice responded, “Do you remember our class discussion on homophobia?”

Jamie wondered how this was the answer to her question, but she knew that Ryan’s scientific mind sometimes worked in strange ways. “Yes, I do,” she answered.

“We did not talk about this, but homophobia is not always about straight people being afraid of gay people. There is something called internalized homophobia that you just saw a demonstration of.”

“What do you mean, Ryan?”

“I know that Cassie doesn’t like me. I assume it is primarily or exclusively because I’m gay, right?”

“Um, yeah, I guess so,” Jamie admitted, “since that’s the only thing she knows about you.”

“So I internalized her dislike of me and when she came in I felt guilty about being gay. I was holding your leg and rubbing it in a way that probably looked awfully friendly,” she blushed a little, “and I felt like I was caught doing something I shouldn’t have done.”

Jamie somehow found the courage to ask the next question, “Do you have sexual feelings for me Ryan? Please be honest,” she begged.

“No, I don’t Jamie,” she said forcefully. “I don’t think of you in that way. Although, if you want me to be perfectly honest I admit that I did when we first met,” here she blushed furiously. “I think of you as a friend. And I don’t tend to feel sexual desire toward my friends.”

“I’m really glad you admitted to that, Ryan. I’m glad to know my instincts work with women as well as men,” she teased.

“Oh no, could you really tell?” Ryan was taken aback.

“Um, yeah, at first I could,” Jamie admitted.

“And that didn’t bother you?” she asked, genuinely intrigued.

“No. It didn’t seem aggressive, or anything. Just like you were kind of interested.”

“Oh, I was definitely interested, but when I started to get to know you, I just liked you too much to put you in the potential dating category,” Ryan admitted.

“You don’t date people you like?” Jamie asked, quite confused.

“It’s ahh…complicated,” Ryan sighed. “I’ll tell you all about my scarred psyche someday, but not today.”

“It’s a deal,” Jamie grinned in agreement.

***

As they crossed the Bay Bridge Jamie asked thoughtfully, “Do you like working at your current gym?”

“Not really, no.”

“Why do it then?” she inquired.

“I’d prefer to just work with my individual clients. During my evenings at the gym I only get $15.00 an hour. Of course, if I train someone I get my normal $40. But much of the time I’m just standing around answering questions. But I really need the money and I don’t have time to try to build my client base right now. So I’m kind of stuck,” she said with regret. “When I was working as a trainer full time I had a really good client list, but when I started at school full time I just couldn’t make the time to be available and I had to give up some of my best clients.”

“Would it work better for you to train people in the East Bay?” Jamie asked slyly, hatching a plan in her fertile mind.

“Yeah, I guess it would. I’ve got some pretty good breaks between classes and I don’t mind starting to work at 5 or 6 a.m. Maybe I should check out some of the gyms over there and see what I can scare up,” she agreed. “I really hate losing all of my evenings.”

“Maybe something will turn up,” Jamie said confidently.

***

The ‘Lesbian Experience’ was now in its 5th week. Jamie was truly enjoying the class and she felt she was learning a lot about lesbian life. However, she felt that she was learning as much about lesbianism from hanging out with Ryan as she learned from the class.

Since she was chronically early Ryan was usually sitting in her seat when Jamie arrived at class. However, one day Jamie was standing in the back of the room chatting with a young woman named Yvonne when Ryan entered. She made eye contact with Jamie as soon as she came in the door, flashing those incredibly white teeth in a warm grin. Jamie observed her slowly make her way to the front of the room as Yvonne kept up the conversation. She observed that Ryan looked particularly good today. Her hair was shining and bounced against the middle of her back as she walked. She wore an electric blue crew necked sweater of a very soft looking wool that clung to all of her generous curves. The sweater covered a white turtleneck that contrasted sharply with her black hair. Well-worn button fly jeans and shiny black leather loafers completed the outfit. Her cheeks were rosy from the chill in the air, and she radiated good health and confidence.

Jamie watched as heads turned to regard Ryan. It was obvious from the longing glances that some of the women openly desired her. It was equally obvious that some of them had fulfilled that desire. Ryan stopped for a moment to chat with 3 women who looked to be in the latter category. She spoke to each of them in a casual, familiar way. She would grace them with a gentle touch or a small pat on the shoulder. She gave the impression that she was very much interested in talking with each of them, but that pressing business was calling her away. Jamie watched in fascination as each of the women looked pleased that they had received even this small token of her affection. God, is she going to plow through the whole class? There are only 9 lesbians besides her. If she has gone through 3 already that only leaves 6. Since this is the 5th week of class she has to make the other 6 last for 11 weeks. She might have to have a repeat…or I suppose she could also date the women who don’t like to label themselves lesbians…

Jamie was startled from her reverie by Yvonne gently poking her in the ribs. “Oh no, not you too!” she laughed.

“What?” Jamie inquired, truly puzzled.

“You don’t have O’Flaherty Fever too, do you?”

“What??? Oh, no, no, NO!” Jamie finally got out. “Ryan and I are friends, just friends. I’ve just never seen her walk into class. Does that happen every day?”

“Yep,” Yvonne replied. “That’s why I sit in the back. It’s the most entertainment I get all day,” she laughed. “She really is a player,” she said with admiration in her voice.

“Yeah, I guess she is,” Jamie replied with a good bit of disapproval. As she spoke she turned toward Ryan and saw one of the ‘no labels’ women approach cautiously. She saw Ryan’s eyes light up and watched her whole body language change. Ryan drew the woman in by leaning back against the desk. She was obviously speaking softly because the woman had to move in closer and closer to hear her. Once she had her where she wanted her she sat on the edge of her desk and leaned dangerously close to the woman. Her smile turned a bit feral as she then leaned back and regarded her prey. She smiled broadly and removed a business card from her back pocket. Wasn’t that handy! She must have them printed by the 1000’s. She scribbled something on the back, probably her pager number, and handed it to the beaming woman as she gave her hand a gentle squeeze.

Is no woman safe? Jamie screamed in frustration to herself.

After class they made their way to Stanley Hall, as was their habit. Ryan noticed that Jamie was not her usual talkative self, but she passed it off to a bad mood. After Ryan purchased a few bottles of juice she returned to the table to find Jamie looking at her with an expression that could only be described as a glare. “What’d I do?” she asked with a plaintive tone.

“Oh, I’m sorry, Ryan,” she said quickly, while shaking her head. “You didn’t do anything. I’m sorry if I look as though you did,” she apologized.

“Are you sure there’s nothing wrong?” she asked, genuinely concerned. She searched Jamie’s eyes and found that her friend was having a hard time making eye contact. “C’mon, Jamie, you can tell me,” she urged.

“No. It’s really stupid and I feel like an idiot,” she sulked.

“I’ve never seen you do anything stupid or idiotic,” Ryan said seriously. “If something is bothering you I really would like to help if I can.”

“Okay, okay, you win,” Jamie finally gave her a small smile. “Last week you told me that you didn’t date people you liked. Why?” she asked plainly.

“That’s certainly not where I thought we were going,” Ryan admitted. She paused for a moment as she looked at Jamie carefully. Finally she tilted her head and locked her gaze onto Jamie’s eyes. “If that’s your question, why do you look angry with me?”

Jamie hated the way Ryan’s mind worked. She could always see through ancillary issues and hone right in on the crux of the matter. “All right, I’ll confess,” she finally admitted with a large measure of frustration in her voice. “It bothered me to watch you come into class today.” Ryan looked at her blankly, clearly at a loss. “You were talking to some of the women and flirting with others, well, you were flirting with all of them. It made me think about what you said the other day and it just pissed me off. I think you’re really depriving yourself of something by dating so many people.” Even to her own ears this sounded incredibly lame.

“So you’re angry with me because I don’t have a steady girlfriend?” Ryan asked slowly, clearly trying to understand but not having an easy time of it.

“I told you it was stupid,” Jamie said, clearly flustered. “I don’t know why it bothered me, but it really did. I’m sorry, Ryan. I know it’s none of my business. You seem perfectly happy and it’s stupid for me to want something for you that you don’t seem to want.”

“Would you like me to explain why I don’t have a girlfriend?” Ryan asked quietly, her eyes never leaving Jamie’s.

“If you want to,” Jamie said with just a hint of a pout showing.

“I’m happy to, Jamie. It’s like this. I have been focused on earning money and going to school for over 4 years now. My time is very valuable to me and I don’t like giving too much of it to anyone. I have to work really hard to get all of my schoolwork in during my limited free time. I can’t afford the distraction that a relationship would cause. Plus, since I live at home, I can’t comfortably bring women home. And I get a ton of shit from my brothers when I stay out all night,” she smiled a bit at this. “Sometimes it’s like living with three maiden aunts.”

“But is it fair to the women that you date?” Jamie asked as she got to the question that was really bothering her.

Ryan leaned back in her chair and considered the question for a moment. Jamie detected a momentary flash of hurt pass across her face. She pursed her lips together and blew out a breath as she softly replied, “I get it now. You think I lead them on, don’t you?”

She truly did not want to hurt her friends feelings, but she was in too deep to stop now. “Ryan, you should have seen their faces. They all looked so hopeful,” she finally blurted out.

“Jamie, I swear I have never led anyone on. I always, and I do mean always, tell women that I am not in the market for a relationship. I’m obnoxiously up front with them.”

“Maybe so,” Jamie said thoughtfully. “But they all looked like they hoped they would be the one to change your mind. Like the woman who was talking to you at your desk,” she added as she looked down at the ground.

Ryan waited until Jamie raised her eyes and met hers again. While she waited she wondered, Why does this bother her? I could see that she’d want me to be happy and I can understand that she doesn’t want me to use people. But why be angry about it? “Today was a perfect example. Blair came over and asked me if I wanted to have lunch. I know she hangs out with Lisa and Amy so I knew she would know quite a bit about me.”

“Who are Lisa and Amy? And why would that tell her anything about you?”

“They’re in our class,” she explained patiently.

“Do you know everyone’s name?”

“Well, yeah,” she admitted with a slight flush. “I make it a habit to observe people and learn their names. Then I figure out who knows who. It makes things easier for me.”

“Okay,” Jamie replied as she took a breath. “I assume you’ve ‘dated’ Lisa or Amy?” She pronounced ‘dated’ about the same way she would have said ‘molested’.

Ryan shot her a look that was far from happy. Her voice took on an edge as she replied, “I tried to ‘date’ Amy. We went out for coffee during the first week of class. I told her that I would love to take her out but that I did not have room in my life for a girlfriend. She asked me a few questions to make sure I was serious and when she was satisfied that I was she didn’t want to go out with me. I did not have sex with her, Jamie. I didn’t touch her,” she added with a bit of a scowl.

“Oh, I get it,” Jamie said. “You assume that Blair would know that you don’t want a girlfriend since she knows Amy.”

“Yeah, that seemed like a good bet. But just to make sure I’ll tell her at lunch.” She stared at Jamie for a long moment before she said, “You know, sometimes I come across as a real jerk. I mean, someone might just want to have lunch and talk about school, but I make it a point to tell them that I don’t want to be in a relationship. It really makes me sound like I’m full of myself,” she admitted with an embarrassed shrug.

“Ryan,” Jamie said softly. “I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings. I don’t know why today set me off, but I never should have spoken to you about it. It’s really none of my business. But since we did talk about it, I’m really impressed with how honest you’ve been with women. That’s really honorable.”

A small smile finally graced Ryan’s features. “You know, even if I wasn’t honest, word does travel fast in the community. And there is not one woman in the Bay Area who can honestly say that she was my girlfriend.”

“Not one?!” Jamie was shocked at this revelation.

“Nope. Not one.”

“I find that nearly impossible to believe!” Jamie struggled with this information. “Have you never met anyone that you would like to build something with? Are you that picky?” she asked incredulously.

“I guess I am incredibly picky,” Ryan admitted, a little sheepishly. “But I do occasionally find someone that I do really like. When that happens, I try to make them into a friend.”

“Like me?” Jamie asked tentatively.

“Exactly,” Ryan agreed.

“So do you just have um…one night stands?” she asked hesitantly.

“No, Jamie,” she smiled. “I sometimes even have a meal or go to a movie with a woman. I like the companionship of women even when they’re vertical. I’m a homophile as well as a homosexual,” she said pointedly.

“Homophile?”

“Yes. That’s a person whose primary attraction is to persons of their same sex. The attraction is distinct from the sexual aspect. You, on the other hand, are a heterophile.”

“That doesn’t sound very elegant,” she admitted. “So you do see the same person more than once?”

“Sure,” she said with a little shake of her head. “I’ll continue to see someone until I think they’re getting too serious. Then I back off.”

“Have you ever met anyone that you liked who didn’t want to get serious?”

“Yeah, I have a few um…buddies,” she said with a deep blush.

Jamie noticed the blush and decided she had to find out what was behind it. “What do you mean by ‘buddies’?” she asked with a sly grin.

“Umm, there’s kind of a term for people who just sleep together.”

“What’s the term?” Jamie persisted.

“Ahh…fuck buddies?” Ryan finally revealed.

“Fuck buddies, huh? I must admit I’ve never heard that one. Do you have a fuck buddy, Ryan?” she asked with a twinkle in her eyes completely enjoying the discomfort in her friend’s posture.

“Yeeeah, I have a couple of people that I see occasionally for um…”

“Sex?” Jamie helpfully supplied.

“More or less,” she admitted.

“So these are women who feel like you do about relationships?”

“Exactly. They want the same thing that I do, occasional sex and nothing more.”

“Do you see these people very often?”

“It depends. I guess I usually see each of them 3 or 4 times a year. But I see my friend Ally more than that. We might see each other 3 or 4 times in a two week period, then we might not see each other for 3 or 4 months. I really like her and we get along great in bed, but we’re both really clear that we couldn’t ever have a real emotional connection. I think we’re too much alike,” she admitted.

“But you’re missing so much, by never letting anyone get close Ryan,” she continued to argue.

“Like what?” she replied, sounding truly curious.

“Like intimacy, and caring, and a depth of feeling that you can’t get from casual dating.” Jamie was beginning to get frustrated again.

“There’s nothing casual about the way I date,” Ryan said with a little leer.

“Do you really not understand what I’m getting at?” Jamie moaned as she dropped her head into her hands.

“No, I think I do Jamie,” she reassured her. “I want all those things, too. Just not now. And given that I don’t feel that I can commit to one woman, what would you have me do?”

“I don’t know, Ryan. It just seems unfair to the women who want more of you and to yourself.”

“On one level you may be right, ” she replied thoughtfully. “But I don’t feel that I’m going to be ready for another couple of years. Are you really suggesting that I should be celibate for that long?”

“How long have you gone?” Jamie teased.

“Does it count when I had broken ribs?” she asked hopefully.

“No. I want the able bodied record.”

“Hmmm, I guess about 2 weeks or so during finals,” she finally replied.

“Two weeks! Do you mean to tell me you have not gone without female companionship for more than two weeks in your adult life?” Jamie was truly floored.

“I love women, Jamie. I really love women. I love meeting them. I love talking to them. I love the chase. I love it when they want to play the game as much as I do. I love pleasing them. I love having someone new all the time. I am never, ever bored,” she confessed. “How many women can say that?” she asked in a plaintive challenge.

“I agree that your sex life is exciting Ryan. But who do you confide in? Who do you feel completely comfortable with? Who do you know will always be there for you?”

“Um, well, ahh, you, Jamie,” she said with a completely open and trusting expression on her face. “I feel comfortable with you. I confide in you. I know you’ll be there for me. I don’t have to have sex with you to feel that, do I?” she asked innocently.

“Oh Ryan, that is so sweet,” she said as she threw her arms around her neck and gave her a firm hug. “You never cease to surprise me.”

“That’s just one of my many skills,” she replied with a grin as she reached out and affectionately tousled Jamie’s hair.

***

After her last class Jamie walked home and grabbed a salad. She spent an hour preparing for Tuesday’s classes then she hopped in her car and drove to the bike shop.

Bill was glad to see her and greeted her warmly. “You are going to love your new wheels,” he enthused. As he spoke he weaved his way through the maze of bikes, finally stopping to grasp one and lift it over his head. “Here she is,” he said proudly.

Jamie was very pleased. Her new bike was a sleek, shocking day-glo orange. “It even looks fast,” she said with delight. The components were top quality, but not the most expensive available. She felt very satisfied about her choices. Bill spent a good  hour going over all of the components and handing her the little instruction booklets for each. He finally had her sit on the bike while it was on a trainer. He adjusted the seat carefully as well as the pedals. He showed her how to clip her new racing shoes into the pedals and had her practice unlocking them a few times.

Next she had to decide on what type of bike rack to buy. They discussed all of the available options before choosing a light, collapsible model that rested on the trunk and rear bumper of her car.

“How can I protect my new beauty from theft?” she inquired.

“Only one way I know of,” he replied sagely. “Keep your butt on the seat!” he barked out a laugh as he said this.

“Don’t any of those locks work?” she pointed at the array of cumbersome locks on the wall.

“They work very well if you are protecting your bike from someone who doesn’t really want it,” he flatly stated.

“I really want to be able to take it to campus. I think the only way I’ll get all my training in is to ride everywhere,” she lamented.

“I might have a solution for you,” he said. “I got a nice light mountain bike in as a trade the other day. It’s a good bike and I think it would fit you perfectly. It cost about $1800 when new but I can let you have it for $200. It’s about 5 years old and the paint is a little scratched up, but I put new tires and brake pads on it. And,” he added knowledgeably, “one good thing about doing some of your training on a heavier bike is that your road bike will feel like air. You could also tag along on some of Ryan’s night time rides up on Mt. Tam.”

“I didn’t know she rode up there,” she admitted.

“Oh, it’s quite a scene,” he laughed, “you’ve got to get her to take you, but bring some band aids. It’s a tough group,” he said with a wink.

Jamie and Bill loaded both bikes onto the new carrier. She drove home and immediately hopped on her road bike and took it for a spin. She loved the freedom she felt from being able to speed along the streets of Berkeley. I really think I’m going to like this, she thought to herself with a contented smile.

***

After a pleasant hour riding her road bike Jamie went home to change into her workout clothes. She tossed sweats over her Lycra and headed to the gym.

As she was checking in, she spotted the manager that she had spoken with when she first visited the gym. “Hi,” she said in her usual friendly manner. “Remember me?”

“Yes, I sure do,” the woman responded. “Did you decide to join?”

“Yeah I did. I really like it here. My trainer was also very impressed.”

“I didn’t know you had your own trainer,” she replied.

“Yeah, she’s working at a gym in the City now, but she’s looking for a change. She’s getting more women clients in the East Bay and I think she’d prefer to work over here now,” she embellished.

“Have her look me up the next time she’s in,” the woman responded. “Maybe we could make her an offer to join us.”

“Actually, I’m her business manager,” she said confidently as the embellishment switched to outright lies. “What kind of a deal would you cut her,” she demanded, getting right down to business.

They moved into the manager’s office, where Jamie casually took a chair. “Our standard deal is that independent trainers pay us $200 a month to be able to use the facilities. There is no additional charge when they work with a member but when they have an outside client they or the client pay us $10 per hour.”

“Hmm, how many hours a week do most of your trainers book?” she asked.

“Not a lot, probably 5 or so. Some book up to 10.”

“So if my trainer booked 15-20 hours a week, what could you do for her?”

“I could reduce the monthly fee,” she offered.

“By how much?” Jamie inquired.

“Half?” she replied a bit tentatively.

“That’s fair,” Jamie agreed. “But I’d like her to get some benefit from the new members she will bring in to the club. The monthly fee for a member is $85 a month right?”

“Right.”

“And Ryan would pay you $100 to use the facilities if she worked 15 hours a week, right?”

“Right again.”

“Would you agree to waive her fee altogether if she brought in 5 new members?”

The manager thought about that for a moment before she said, “Yes, I would. We make most of our money off the monthly fee anyway, so that would help both of us,” she admitted.

“Do you need any more trainers on staff right now?” Jamie decided she might as well go for broke.

“Only the really unattractive hours, like 6 a.m.,” she offered tentatively.

“How much per hour?” Jamie sensed a weakness.

“$15?” she replied hopefully.

“Nope,” Jamie was unmoved. “I couldn’t let her work those hours for less than $25 per hour.”

“How many hours is she available?” the woman asked.

Jamie looked at her appointment book thoughtfully. Absolutely nothing about Ryan’s schedule was written there, but she thought she remembered that she was free until 8 a.m. “She’s available from 5:30-7:30 Monday through Friday,” she stated confidently.

“You have a deal,” the woman replied as she extended her hand, breathing a sigh of relief that Jamie was not selling life insurance, or swamp land for that matter.

***

After she left the office Jamie rubbed her hands together as she scouted the gym. “Ahh, potential patsies,” she enthused. She watched each of the women carefully from her position on a treadmill. Finally she spotted one woman who looked both well off and clueless. Jamie hopped off the treadmill and positioned herself next to the confused woman. “Do you need help?” she asked gently.

“Oh, yeah, I guess I do,” the woman agreed. “I had someone explain this machine to me last week, but now I’ve forgotten how to adjust it.”

“I get confused too,” Jamie admitted. “That’s why I’ve started to work with a trainer,” she said conspiratorially.

“A trainer, huh? They tried to get me to sign up with one when I first came here, but I didn’t really like the woman who works here at this time of day,” she said regretfully.

“Why don’t you try mine?” Jamie inquired casually. “I’m certain you would like her. Everyone does. She’s normally down on the Peninsula, but she’s devoting a few days a week to her clients in the East Bay now. She is simply fabulous.” She uttered this last statement as she produced Ryan’s business card, which she had stolen when Ryan wasn’t looking.

“Is she really expensive? I don’t want to spend a lot,” she replied.

“Oh she’s terribly expensive!” Jamie moaned. “It’s absolutely highway robbery! But she’s so wonderful that she can get away with it.” If there was one thing Jamie was sure of it was that rich people loved to moan about how much things cost. But they also loved to overpay for everything that was trendy. “She charges me $125 but I heard that her rates are going up again! I’m going to have to hock my Porsche if she charges me much more. I see her 3 times a week, now, and it really adds up.”

“Wow, that really is a lot. Do you really think it’s worth it?”

Jamie leaned in and whispered conspiratorially, “I went to a benefit last week in a sleek little Dolce and Gabana sheath. I got more attention in that dress than I knew how to handle. My entire body has changed since I started to work with Ryan. I think she’s worth 3 times what I pay her,” she confided. “But don’t tell her that!” she said with a hearty laugh.

“I have my 15 year college reunion coming up this spring. If she could get me in shape for that I’d be eternally grateful.”

“That’s the attitude!” Jamie enthused. “Your classmates will think you’ve found the fountain of youth! Why don’t you give me your number and I’ll have Ryan call you,” she said with a wink.

***

After two more visits to the club Jamie had filled all of Ryan’s afternoon time slots. Now all that was left was to tell Ryan that she had a new job.

After class on Friday they sat at their usual spot and sipped their juice. “Um Ryan,” she started nervously, “I’ve been interfering in your personal life.” She glanced down at the ground, seemingly in shame.

“You didn’t find me a steady girlfriend, did you?” she asked with a mock scowl.

“No, nothing like that. Remember when you said you would rather work on this side of the Bay?” she asked with a hopeful little smile.

“Yeaaah,” Ryan slowly drawled.

“Did you mean that?” another little smile.

“Yeaaah.”

“Well, I kind of got you a job,” she finally admitted.

“You got me a what?!” Ryan asked in shock.

“I got you a job?” she restated hesitantly.

Ryan’s face broke into an indulgent smile. “Do I get to learn the details, or do I just show up and get my uniform? I don’t mind flipping burgers but I hate to cook French fries. It’s too hard to get the oil out of my hair.”

“No silly,” she laughed as she slapped her lightly on the shoulder. “I got you a job at ‘Women Power’ and I think you’re really going to like it.”

Ryan continued to look at her with a quizzical little smile on her face so Jamie launched into her sales pitch. “They want you to work every morning before school. I know you like to get up early and I thought that you could work the early shift to avoid traffic. So that’s from 5:30-7:30. They wanted to pay you $15 per hour, but I held out for $25,” she said proudly.” She paused a millisecond for a breath. “Then they agreed to let you train people there without having to pay a monthly fee as long as you bring in 5 new members,” another tiny pause. “They will charge you $10 per hour to train your private clients, but if it’s a client that you bring in or that’s already a member you don’t have to pay at all,” longer pause for a bigger breath. “Oh, and I got you 7 new private clients who each agree to pay you $125 per hour. And that fills up all your free afternoon time slots. How’d I do?” she let out all of her most recent breath and looked at Ryan’s stunned face.

The silence went on for quite a while as Ryan continued to stare at her with a slightly opened mouth. “Well, gosh. I was working at a place I didn’t like, making no money, working bad hours when I was tired, having no social life, and it forced me to drive my bike through rush hour traffic every afternoon. You found me a job where I work half the hours for about the same money, during the hours I like, and I get my evenings back. You also save me $250 a month in fees, and have found me new clients worth $875 a week,” here she paused for effect. “I guess you did okay,” she stated casually. After a moment her eyes grew playful. She rose from her chair and stood towering over Jamie. “You know what I have to do, don’t you?” she inquired sternly.

“N..n..no,” replied Jamie, a little afraid of her reaction to her meddling.

“This,” she said as she placed her large hands around Jamie’s small waist and effortlessly lifted her to her feet. Those deep blue eyes gazed at her in wonder, as Ryan leaned close and gave her chaste kisses on each cheek, which was followed by a very large, very expressive full body hug. “That is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me, Jamie,” she whispered in her ear as tears formed in her eyes. “I don’t know how to thank you,” she said hoarsely.

Jamie’s eyes drifted shut as she relaxed completely into the tender hug. She would have been content to stay just that way for the rest of the day but Ryan finally released her. “I have to admit I had selfish reasons,” Jamie said, a bit choked up herself. “I wanted you to be available to go on some evening bike rides with me. I actually heard about some hot ones on Mt. Tam,” she winked.

“We’d better get to work if you want to do those, kiddo. That’s where the big girls go,” she said wisely.

“You’re a big girl, can’t I go with you?” she inquired saucily.

“I’ll take you anywhere you want to go, Jamie, anywhere at all,” she replied seriously as she locked her clear blue eyes onto Jamie’s smiling face.

***

Now that Jamie felt comfortable with both of her bikes and Ryan had her new work schedule all sorted out they sat down to devise their training strategy. Ryan agreed that Jamie needed to be on one of her bikes as much as possible. So Jamie decided to ride everywhere in Berkeley and Oakland, rather than take her car. These short rides would give her some saddle time and get her used to being on the bike. They also agreed that she needed at least two days of long slow distance rides per week. Ryan suggested that she start off at 15 miles twice a week. She would then increase the distance week by week. She also recommended that Jamie do a very strenuous hill climb every week. Jamie decided that she would start climbing the Berkeley hills behind campus.

They agreed to meet at the gym 3 afternoons a week after Ryan’s last class. Since there were 6 main muscle groups Ryan suggested that they work on two groups per visit. She also suggested that they work on Jamie’s legs on a day that she did not ride her bike.

On the following Monday, Jamie met Ryan at the gym at precisely 4:00 p.m. Jamie was dressed in a navy blue tank top which covered a gray sports bra. Her thigh length shorts were also gray Lycra and her slouchy white socks peeked out from her high top cross trainers. Ryan wore her new ‘Women Power’ polo shirt. The black shirt was cut generously, allowing her plenty of room to move but hiding her curves. ‘Women Power’ was written in lavender scrip across her left breast. ‘Personal Trainer’ was printed across the back in 2 inch block letters, also in lavender. The sleeves ended just above her elbows, effectively hiding her biceps. I can’t believe I go to the gym with her and I still don’t get to see her muscles! Black nylon warm up pants also blocked Jamie’s enjoyment of Ryan’s leg muscles.

Jamie was pleased to see that Ryan looked right at home even though it was her first day as an employee. She greeted Jamie warmly when she entered the work out area. “Hi there, boss,” she grinned. “Have you gotten me a raise yet? This is my third hour here, you know.”

Jamie just gave her a winning smile as an answer. “So today we’re doing trunk and shoulders, huh, Coach?”

“Yep. Did you get your ride in this afternoon? I was kind of jealous when I was in my Chem lab, thinking about you out there pedaling away,” Ryan said wistfully.

“I sure did. That trip computer you talked me into is really great. It let me keep a good cadence, just like you told me. I practiced trying to pedal in a smooth circle and trying to pull on the upstroke as well as push on the downstroke. And I’ve got to tell you, that bike is a dream. I would have kept riding years ago if I had a bike like that. It just feels so effortless.”

“I’m really glad that you’re happy with it,” Ryan said. “I knew that Bill wouldn’t steer you wrong, but I was a little worried that you would be unhappy with having spent that much,” she admitted.

“No, not at all. I tend to think about financial decisions rather carefully, as you can attest,” she said with a grin. “But once I make up my mind, I don’t second guess myself,” she said confidently.

“Well, I know you’re going to love riding and I think you will really enjoy working out, too. You’re very goal oriented and I think this challenge will hold your interest.”

Jamie was delighted that Ryan knew these details about her personality without explicitly being told. “So where do we start today?”

Ryan led her to a weight bench and sat her down. “Okay, we’re going to start with your shoulders. Your shoulder muscles start here,” she tapped the top of her shoulders, “and end here,” she tapped the center of her upper arms. They are called deltoids or delts. There is another group of muscles here,” she touched Jamie’s back just above her scapula, “called the rotator cuff. There are 4 muscles there that keep your arm from slipping out of the socket. They are just under your delts. We’re going to work on both sets of muscles. I usually use free weights for shoulders. I find they’re a little easier to control. And control is very important with your shoulders. It’s very important to do these exercises correctly because your rotator cuffs are easily injured.”

Jamie loved the verbal instruction that Ryan gave when showing her the exercises. The explanations really helped her because she processed things by understanding them fully before she tried them physically. Ryan seemed to understand this and was very careful to make sure that Jamie understood the underlying issues.

“It’s very important to do these exercises in the order that I show you. We’re going to do a press, a lateral raise, a front raise and a back fly. You can lift the heaviest weight with the press and the lightest weight with the fly.” She looked at Jamie with a serious expression, “Have you ever injured your lower back, your neck or your elbows?”

“No, I have never had any significant injuries,” Jamie replied.

“Boy, would my father like to trade for you,” she laughed. “He was in the ER with me every other week.”

“I bet you were a wild one,” Jamie agreed.

“You don’t know the half of it,” she admitted.

***

They worked their way through the exercises. Ryan was very attentive to Jamie’s posture and positioning. She encouraged her, but did not push her on, like she had seen some of the trainers do. Ryan knew that Jamie would push herself, and she made it a point to reign Jamie in a bit, so she did not injure herself.

When they had finished with the shoulder exercises they moved on to the lower back. Ryan again launched into her explanation of the how’s and why’s of the exercises. Ryan told her that these exercises did not need weights at all. After she showed Jamie how to perform a back extension and a pelvic tilt Jamie recalled that these were exercises she had learned when she played golf in high school.

“You were on the golf team?” Ryan asked with interest. “That’s pretty cool. You know, I have never hit a golf ball.”

“Well, we’re just gonna have to remedy that, Missy,” Jamie replied. “I’d love to do something that I can beat you at,” she laughed.

Next they moved to the abdominal muscles. Jamie knew some of these from her golf conditioning also. Ryan showed her 6 different exercises and reminded her that she had a lot of potential in this area.

At the end of the hour Jamie’s mind was swimming. As she sat down on a bench to dry off she watched Ryan making notes in a little booklet. “Here, Jamie, I made this for you,” she said as she thrust the book in Jamie’s direction.

Inside the little leather loose-leaf book Jamie saw each of the exercises they had covered neatly named and described. On the leg exercises the position of the seat and the adjustment of the bars were also annotated. Under each description was a series of columns which indicated the date, time, number of reps, sets and one column where Jamie was supposed to indicated how she felt when she began to exercise, on a scale of 1-10. Jamie was absolutely charmed and her face reflected this. “Ryan, this is so thoughtful,” she enthused.

“Jamie, that is the very, very least I can do for you after all you’ve done for me,” she said sincerely.

“I like to take care of my friends, Ryan.”

“Then I am very lucky to be counted among that number,” Ryan replied. As she said this she slid behind Jamie on the bench and began to knead her shoulder muscles. She worked on her for about 5 minutes until Jamie was dropping her head forward in a relaxed bliss.

“God, you’re good at that. Those hands should be registered with the government,” she sighed.

“Well, they are, kind of. I do have a license to do this,” she stated.

“You are a masseuse too?” she asked incredulously.

“Yep, these babies are trained and licensed,” she held up her hands with a proud smile. “When I was taking classes to be a personal trainer I just figured I might as well be as fully trained as possible. I’m glad I did it. I really learned a lot about relaxing people after a tough workout. And it’s a skill that comes in handy in my private life, too,” she grinned as she waggled her eyebrows.

“Well, you’ve certainly relaxed me, I don’t think I can move, much less ride my bike home,” she moaned.

“I’ve got my bike here, let me give you a ride home,” Ryan offered. “After you take a shower we could get a bite to eat and then you could drive back to get your bike.”

“That sounds mighty appealing,” Jamie agreed. “But are you sure you’re willing to risk the wrath of Cassie if she’s at home?”

“Yeah, I am. She just caught me off guard last time. I’m ready for her now.” She rubbed her hands together in a menacing fashion as she narrowed her eyes.

***

They sped back to Jamie’s house and were both relieved to find only Mia at home. She spoke pleasantly to Ryan for a few moments before she headed upstairs to her room. Jamie followed her upstairs to shower and change. Ryan offered to amuse herself and Jamie left her to do so.

Jamie stood in the shower for a good long soak. She dried her hair quickly and was just finishing getting dressed when Mia came in.

“What did you do to Ryan?” she inquired with a glint in her eye.

“What do you mean?” Jamie gave her a puzzled look.

“Do you want to see something kind of cute?” Mia mysteriously replied. At Jamie’s nod, she beckoned her out to the hallway. They both looked over the railing to where Ryan had been left, sitting on the couch. Only now her shoes were off and she was sound asleep, her lean form stretched out on the short couch, long legs hanging over the arm. Her hands were folded peacefully across her chest and she wore a sweet, perfectly contented expression on her face. Jamie marveled at how very young and innocent her friend looked as she slept.

The roommates walked back into Jamie’s room and both burst out laughing. “I’m glad to see she feels so comfortable around here,” Jamie continued to laugh.

“She seems like a nice person,” Mia admitted.

“I can’t even express how nice she is,” Jamie replied simply. “She is just an extraordinary woman.”

“Does she still flirt with you?” Mia asked a little hesitantly, knowing this could be touchy.

“No. Not at all,” Jamie said without hesitation. “We actually talked about it, even though it was hard for me to bring up. She admitted that she had been flirting but that she was really over it now that we’re friends.”

“God, weren’t you embarrassed?” Mia cried. “I can’t imagine asking her that!”

“That’s what is so cool about Ryan. I can say anything to her. She never judges me or acts hurt by what I say. I really felt amazingly comfortable talking about it with her. I wish you could get to know her a little better,” Jamie said. “I know you would like her.”

“I absolutely trust your judgment about people, James. I’m sure I would like her. Maybe we could all have dinner some night.”

“Thanks for trying, Mia. I want you to be comfortable with her. Your friendship means a lot to me.” Jamie hesitated for a moment before she broached the next subject. “You know, I was really angry that you told Cassie about Ryan flirting with me,” she said simply.

Mia started to defend herself, but Jamie cut her off. “I’m not angry any more, really. I’m sure you didn’t do it to be malicious. But Cassie really dislikes her. She got Jack all worked up about the whole situation and we had a major fight. So please don’t talk to her about Ryan. It will just make matters worse.”

“Okay, Jamie. I won’t ever bring it up with her again. I’m really sorry that I hurt you. It was stupid of me to tell Cassie anything about you. I know she tries to get in the middle of stuff. Sometimes I wish she would just move in with her boyfriend,” she said disdainfully.

“Yeah, I know, but we’ve been together this long, I think we can hang on,” she said hopefully.

***

After Mia returned to her room Jamie took her time finishing her preparations. She combed her hair carefully and put on a little blush then chose an emerald green rough wool sweater and a soft yellow turtleneck. Then she picked out a pair of khakis and a pair of black loafers. She checked out her image in the full-length mirror, but she chided herself briefly as she did so. It’s just Ryan, you know. This isn’t a date. When she walked back down the stairs she was a little surprised to find that Ryan was still asleep.

She sat down in the upholstered chair next to the couch and just watched her for a few moments. Ryan was remarkably still as she slept. Jamie was struck by the thought that she had never seen her when she wasn’t in motion. Ryan was usually very active, sometimes a little hyperactive. Even when her body wasn’t moving Jamie could almost see her quick mind processing something. She again marveled at how peaceful and open her face was in repose. Ryan rarely looked severe but she often had a cool, composed expression on her face. She watched her chest raise and lower and observed her lips slightly parted in sleep. Suddenly she felt an overwhelming urge to place a kiss on those soft looking lips. She resisted the urge with a violent shake of her head. Get a grip for god’s sake, Jamie! Where in the hell did that urge come from?? She sat in the chair for several more minutes mulling over the conflicting thoughts in her head. Maybe I just feel protective over her. She has such a confident exterior, but now that I’ve seen her vulnerability it just makes me feel so tender towards her. When she sleeps she just looks like the little girl who lost her mom. And that’s the part that makes me want to kiss her. She looks so sweet, just like a child, she thought fondly. Yeah, and how many little girls have you ever wanted to kiss? Finally deciding that she would not resolve this jumble of thoughts tonight, she quietly moved over to the couch. She leaned over and gently placed her hand on Ryan’s shoulder and gave her a tiny shake.

Ryan was awake immediately and amazingly seemed fully alert. Jamie was surprised as this response, and her face must have shown it. Ryan detected the startled look and asked, “What’s wrong? Was I asleep too long?”

“No, no, I was just amazed at how quickly you woke up,” she explained.

“Oh, that’s from years of practice,” she said easily. “I need about 8 hours of sleep but I only get around 6. I’ve trained myself to sleep almost anywhere whenever I have a few minutes down time.”

“That’s truly amazing,” Jamie marveled.

“Not really. You can train your body to do a lot of things if you really need to.”

“I’m just glad you felt comfortable enough here to be able to sleep.”

“Well, I do feel very comfortable around you, but truthfully, I can sleep almost anywhere. I can even sleep pretty well sitting up in a chair. And once I got a good 15 minute nap while leaning against a wall,” she stated proudly.

“You certainly do have many skills, Ryan,” she admitted as she leaned over and ruffled her bangs.

“And you haven’t seen half of ‘em,” she grinned in response.

***

After they finished their dinner of falafel and Greek salads they discussed the workout schedule for the week. Jamie decided that she would take her bike to Jack’s and do her long ride on Saturday afternoon while he studied.

“Ooooh, Saturday,” Ryan said with pleasure. “I haven’t had a Saturday free in years. This new level of freedom is going to take some getting used to,” she said with a happy expression on her face. She had decided that she really didn’t need to work on the weekends any longer. Jamie had 10 hours of private training per week lined up for her. Since $1250 a week was more than enough to live on Ryan decided to take weekends off to study and relax. But she truly didn’t know what to do with the spare time. She’d had one job or another since she was 16 years old and all of them had consumed her weekends. “This is the happiest quandary I’ve had in years,” she allowed.

“Why don’t you come down and ride with me on Saturday,” Jamie offered. “You could see the peninsula and maybe help me pick out some good rides.”

“Is that really a good idea, Jamie?” she asked slowly. “I mean, wouldn’t Jack mind?”

“Why would he mind?” she asked, a little confused. “He’ll be studying and he doesn’t ride a bike anyway.”

“No, um, I mean,” she stammered, “I thought he wasn’t very happy about having me around…at all.”

“No, Ryan, that’s not true. He was mad at me for not telling him things that he thought were important. I don’t think it had anything to do with you, personally,” she lied.

“If you’re sure,” she said slowly, “I would enjoy coming down. It might be nice to see a different part of the bay. And I have heard about some really great rides down there.”

“Then it’s settled,” Jamie agreed. “Oh, but how will you get your bike down there? Should I pick it up from you on Friday?”

“No, I can get it down there. I can borrow my father’s truck if I need to. When do you want to meet?” she asked as she grabbed her ever-present organizer.

Chapter 4

“Castro Fitness Center, this is Ally speaking,” rang out the clear alto voice.

“Hi Ally, guess who? Ryan asked.

“Hmmm,” she mused, “Is this a really hot brunette, 6 feet plus, legs for days?”

“Yeaah,” she purred.

“I don’t know anybody like that, who the heck are you? she asked as she tried to hide a laugh.

“I’m just a lonely woman looking for a little companionship,” she said innocently. “Do you know anyone who might be free on Friday night?”

“Friday night? You actually want to see me on a Friday night? she asked incredulously. “I thought you were only allowed out of the house in the afternoons.”

“I’ve had a change of schedule, she said happily. “My weekends are now my own.”

“Really? You haven’t had a weekend off in all the time I’ve known you. Do you have any idea how to fill a weekend?”

“I hoped you could help me out with that, she asked hopefully. “What do you say to Friday night?”

“Best offer I’ve had all day, she replied. “Do you want to go out or stay in?”

“I can go out with anyone, she said in a dangerously low tone. “I want to stay in with you.”

“I’ll be home by 6. Bring dinner with you, Hot Stuff, cause you’re not leaving until Saturday.”

***

Ryan buzzed over to the Castro on Friday night, thinking about Ally. They had met shortly after Ryan had graduated from high school. She had started to take classes to become certified as a personal trainer and she lucked into a job at Castro Fitness. Ally was just 2 years older and had started at Castro just a few months before Ryan had.

Ryan was sure that Ally had barely noticed her and she was a little surprised when the near stranger approached her one day and brought up the topic of safer sex. Ryan was just starting to feel comfortable with her lesbian identity. She had spent the previous year engaged in some fairly risky behavior but Ally sat her down and read her the riot act. “Listen Ryan, she had told her. “You just can’t run around and be wild with everyone you meet. You’ve got to use safer sex practices every time you’re with someone.”

“But the chance of contracting AIDS isn’t very high for women having sex with women, Ryan said defensively.

“No, it’s not very high, but any chance is too high. You’re 17 years old, Ryan. Don’t risk cutting your life short just to get a little action. Besides, AIDS isn’t the only thing to worry about. I guarantee you’ll contract a venereal disease within 6 months if you haven’t already. Herpes and chondyloma are permanent, Ryan. And no matter how attractive you are, your popularity will hit the skids if you have lesions or warts on your fun parts.”

“But I don’t know how to have safer sex,” she admitted as she blushed.

“Come over tonight after 8 and I’ll show you everything you need to know, Ally had offered.

Ryan laughed when she thought about how easily she had succumbed to Ally’s charms. They had spent that first night at ‘Good Vibrations’, a woman oriented sex toy shop in the Mission district. Ally explained all of the sex toys and latex barriers that Ryan could use to protect herself. Then to make sure that her student understood everything perfectly they had gone back to Ally’s apartment and tried out every item in her little bag of tricks. By the next day Ryan was terribly sore but very well trained in the science of safer sex.

After that initial foray they had hit it off almost immediately. They both enjoyed working out, riding bikes, and having sex, lots of sex, with lots of women. Ryan had actually found herself falling for her new friend. But Ally made it clear that she was not in the market for a girlfriend. She continued to date anyone who caught her eye and she never made an attempt to hide her lovers from Ryan. After a while she came to understand that Ally really was not going to return her affections and she began to think of her as an occasional sex partner. And as long as she kept it very casual Ally was always willing to spend a day or two with her.

Their normal pattern was to see each other quite a few times in a two or three week period. But as soon as things started to get too intense one or the other would stop calling. They would let 3 or 4 months pass and then start up for another round.

Ryan often felt that she would have liked the chance to try to make a relationship with Ally but she realized that they were too much alike to be able to stand each other for too long. But she had to admit that it was usually Ally who called a halt to their little flings.

They sometimes went to a club or a bar, and one year they went to Gay Pride Weekend together. But they generally just got together for incredibly good sex. Ryan had never met anyone who had her number quite like Ally did. Maybe it was because they had slept together so many times. But there was something about Ally that just drove her wild. She was not really even Ryan’s type, physically. She was the only woman that Ryan had ever been with who could pick her up. And she did it a lot, sometimes just to show her who was boss. Ally was just a little bit taller but she was incredibly strong. She competed in body building competitions and usually did pretty well, as long as they were chemically free. Ally was very antagonistic about steroids and she refused to compete if the athletes weren’t tested for their use.

Ally was attractive, but in a very androgynous fashion. She wore her dark brown hair very short, about 1 1/2 inches long all over her head. Half the time it stuck straight up like a crew cut, but Ryan loved how the bristly little hairs felt on her naked body. Her eyes were somewhere between blue and gray depending on the light, but there was a fire in them that Ryan was truly drawn to.

Ryan was usually attracted to women who were smaller than she was. Her favorite type was tall, but not as tall as she; about 5‘7”or so was perfect. She loved brunettes with relatively long hair and she was a sucker for dark brown eyes. She particularly liked lithe, lean women who were athletic but not very muscular. So it never ceased to amaze her that she found Ally so incredibly attractive.

She stopped at Hamburger Mary’s to pick up burgers and malts, Ally’s favorite junk food. They both tried to eat healthy most of the time, but when she wasn’t getting in shape for a competition Ally was pretty flexible. Since Ryan didn’t much care about a little weight fluctuation she could easily be tempted to treat herself to some junk food and she had to admit that hamburgers were one of her favorite indulgences.

As she parked her bike about a block from Ally’s building she felt her pulse begin to pick up. She didn’t often get nervous when she went on a date, having learned a long time ago that a lot of great looking women were absolute duds when you had to spend an evening with them. But she knew Ally well, and she knew what to expect…as much sex as she could handle. Ryan had always fancied herself as the dominant partner in almost every liaison that she had. She liked; no—she needed—to control the action. But she never got to do that with Ally. Even though she was only 2 years older Ally had always treated Ryan like she was young and inexperienced. She controlled the entire evening, and Ryan had learned that if she wanted to keep their connection going she had to allow her friend to be in charge.

Ryan trotted up the stairs to Ally’s third floor unit. She buzzed the door and waited patiently as she could hear her walking around inside. She opened the door with her portable phone in her hand and smiled broadly as she indicated that Ryan should go into the kitchen and get dinner organized.

As she finished putting everything on plates Ally snuck up behind her and enveloped her in a big bear hug. She snuggled her head down against Ryan’s neck as she held her tightly around the waist. “I’ve missed you, Sugar, she whispered in her ear.

Ryan felt a chill start at that lucky ear and travel all the way down to her toes. She giggled a little as Ally’s warm breath tickled her ear. She loved the soft southern accent that her friend had not been able to shake even though she had moved to San Francisco from Chapel Hill, North Carolina over 8 years ago. She was ready to be released but Ally held on just a bit longer to let her know she was still on top. Ryan turned in her embrace and lifted her head just an inch to brush her lips against her friend’s silky soft mouth.

One of the things that Ryan loved best was the contrast between Ally’s external demeanor and appearance and the soft, warm, womanly curves that were usually hidden under her workout clothes. Ally had rather large breasts for her size and a delightful curve to her hips that Ryan loved to run her hands over. Her external toughness just accentuated the hidden treasures that Ryan loved to indulge in. “I’ve missed you too, Ally, she said sincerely.

“How long has it been?” Ally asked as she stepped out of Ryan’s embrace and reached around to pick up a French fry and toss it in her mouth.

“I was thinking about that on the way over, she admitted. “I think it was right after the AIDS ride. I remember that my legs were stiff when I came over and that they stayed that way for another week thanks to you!”

“You know I never guarantee not to bruise the merchandise, she purred as she backed Ryan up against the table. Ryan slid her arms around Ally’s neck and allowed herself to be thoroughly kissed. Those big strong hands held her tightly around the waist as Ally worked on her mouth with a methodical intensity. She pulled back slowly and chuckled at bit as Ryan kept her arms twined around her neck, eyes tightly closed. “Aren’t you hungry, Sweet Pea? she asked softly.

Ryan mutely nodded, eyes still closed.

“You look like you’re hungry for some love,” Ally purred as she bent to lavish another round of heated kisses on Ryan’s hungry mouth.

Ryan couldn’t stop a low groan from escaping as her mouth was claimed so totally by her friend. She often felt powerless when she was with Ally and she had to admit that she absolutely loved it. There was something reassuring about feeling that someone else was in charge once in a while that really appealed to Ryan. She didn’t think she’d like to feel this way all of the time, but it was a welcome change that she had come to rely on and actually yearn for during the past 5 years.

“Come on Sugar Baby, Ally said softly as she pulled away from the embrace. “I need to keep my strength up to handle you all night long.” She picked up the plates and carried them into the living room. Ryan handled the malts and a fistful of napkins. They sat in the cozy living room, Ryan on the low futon/couch, Ally on a butterscotch leather club chair. They chatted about Ally’s most recent weight lifting competition that had just been held in San Jose. Ryan knew some of the competitors and one or two of the judges and Ally filled her in on who was in really good shape. Ryan reflected that their conversations centered almost entirely on working out, weight training and acquaintances that they had in common. Ally usually asked her a few questions about school, but it was clear that she did so to be polite. They didn’t share an interest in hardly anything, Ryan mused. A Wynona Judd CD was playing quietly in the background to highlight one area of disagreement. Ryan liked to listen to World Music, with a particular fondness for Afro-pop or contemporary Irish artists, while Ally never varied from Wynona, Shania, Reba, and Faith. Her apartment was devoid of books, the only reading material being fitness magazines.

Ally came from a big family, but she had left home almost immediately upon graduating from high school. She had been having sex with women since she was 15 but an older brother caught her with another girl when she was a senior and her family made life nearly unbearable for her that last year. After she left North Carolina she maintained a relationship with one of her sisters who had also left home for good, but that was it. She had never been back home and she had no contact whatsoever with her parents. Ryan was not even sure if her parents knew where she lived. She knew that there must be a lot of pain hidden behind her friend’s sunny demeanor but they never talked about it. Ally really preferred to only dwell on current issues and Ryan had decided long ago that she needed to honor her need for privacy if she wanted to maintain the relationship. Perhaps because of her family situation Ally also never inquired very deeply into Ryan’s home life. She knew that Ryan lived at home, since they could never go there for a date, but she rarely asked after the rest of the O’Flaherty clan. Their relationship almost seemed to exist outside of their normal lives. It was untainted by any of the day to day issues that can cause tension. There was clearly only one focus and both of them seemed to like it that way.

“So tell me what’s caused the change to your schedule? Ally asked as she picked up Ryan’s now empty plate and carried it into the kitchen.

“I got a new job, Ryan began as Ally came back into the room and sat down right next to her on the couch. Her friend casually draped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close and Ryan smiled demurely as she automatically snuggled up against Ally’s side. “Well, actually a friend got me a new job, she admitted just to be accurate. Even though they had worked at the same gym for nearly 5 years they didn’t see each other often at work. Ryan worked evenings and weekends almost exclusively while Ally had tailored her schedule into a 9-5 job. She didn’t work out at Castro, so she spent most of her evenings training at a heavy duty free weight place in the Mission district.

“You’re leaving Castro? she asked in surprise.

“Pretty much, Ryan admitted. “My new place is over in Berkeley. It’s really cool, Ally. It’s women only and it’s filled with people who want to work, not pose.” It was a long standing joke between them how few of the people at Castro really seemed to work, especially in the evenings; prime cruising time. “I’ve got two clients who don’t want to move with me, but I think I’m gonna have to let them go. It’s just not worth it to pay $250 a month and have to come back over here to make $375. That just knocks my hourly down too low. Would you like to take them?”

“When do you see them?”

“I see Mark on Wednesday at 9 and Sunday at noon, and Vanessa at 4. I think they would actually prefer to come on a weekday though. Mark’s a writer so he can make his own schedule, and I think Vanessa is either a sex worker or a dancer. We’ve never talked about it but she’s got a lot more silicone than I think you need for normal purposes, she said with a laugh.

“I’d love another couple of steady clients,” Ally said. “Do you want to hand them off or should I call them?”

“My fees are paid up through October so I was planning on finishing out the month with them. Would you be willing to come over on Sunday and meet them?”

“Sure. Why don’t you come over tomorrow night and we can have brunch on Sunday morning before we go over?”

Ryan gave her a lopsided grin as she made a small plea for moderation. “That works for me, but you have to promise not to wear me out too badly tonight. I’ve got a long bike ride scheduled for tomorrow and I can’t do it standing up. Plus I need to reserve a little energy if you want me to come back tomorrow night.”

“Okay, Ally said softly as she leaned over and started to kiss Ryan’s neck. “I’ll go easy on you tonight, but tomorrow all bets are off, she said as she nipped her neck rather sharply in anticipation.

Ryan gulped audibly as she considered what she was in for. Ally never hurt her or really tried to dominate her physically. But she seemed to take great pleasure in wringing every bit of desire from Ryan’s body. She didn’t use any elaborate bondage paraphernalia but she did like to restrain Ryan, usually with her hands or sometimes just with her personality. Ryan knew exactly what it was like to be in Ally’s shoes since she behaved just like her when she was with other women. But it was a very big turn on for her to be the object of desire when they were together. When Ally said all bets were off that meant that she would be up all night, giving herself over totally to her friend. Ally could rarely let her off with just one orgasm. And since Ryan was not multi-orgasmic she needed to rest for an hour or so between bouts. So some of their dates turned into very long marathon sessions, with short naps or even a run out to a 24 hour diner for a little sustenance to keep them going.

Ryan leaned her head back as she closed her eyes and gave her friend total access to her sensitive neck. Ally liked for Ryan to look a little butch on the outside, so she had worn a tight black v-necked T-shirt with the short sleeves rolled up a little and carpenter’s style canvas jeans. But she also satisfied her friend’s desire for sexy underwear. Under her tough girl outfit Ryan wore a nearly transparent black lace bra and some tiny black bikinis. Ally started to work her shirt out of her pants and Ryan reflected that she had never undressed herself when they were together. Ally had a need to control the entire scene; from start to finish, and undressing her partner was a very important part in setting the stage.

After she had pulled Ryan’s shirt free she returned to her neck and started kissing down the v of her collar. She didn’t like the angle she was working at so she slid her arms behind Ryan’s back and knees and effortlessly pulled her onto her lap. Ryan smiled serenely as she felt herself being lifted so easily. She was always the one to cradle a woman in her lap and she loved the role reversal. There was something so freeing to just let herself go and allow Ally to make all the decisions. She briefly wondered if Ally had anyone to switch roles with, but all such thoughts flew from her mind as she felt her shirt being lifted from her body. “Oooh, I love this, Allys voice burred against her ear as she ran her powerful hands all over Ryan’s breasts.

She felt her nipples snap to attention as they were teased through the somewhat rough lace. She hadn’t warned Ally to go easy on her breasts and she shivered slightly as she imagined how thoroughly they would be loved. Ally was decidedly a breast woman. It seemed that most of her arousal came from fondling Ryan’s breasts and she returned to them again and again as they made love.

Ryan leaned languidly against Ally’s neck as she continued to massage her breasts through her bra. A small moan escaped from her lips as she felt those big strong hands grasp and play with her increasingly aroused mounds but she knew that Ally would go at her own pace, no matter how aroused she was. Ally clearly wanted to please Ryan but her own pleasure was the focus of their interactions. She waited until she was ready to move on in their lovemaking, and Ryan knew that she might as well relax and enjoy the ride. Ally was driving and she had no control over the route or the destination.

She slid her hand down to grasp Ally’s full breast but she felt her hand being gripped firmly as her friend whispered, “Focus, Sugar. Just feel what I’m doing to you.” Ryan submissively complied with her instructions as she wondered whether she would be allowed to touch Ally this time. She was usually allowed to please her friend, but she normally had to wait until Ally had made love to her at least twice. There seemed to be a barrier that they had to cross in order for her to be receptive. Sometimes they would be together for two days with Ryan never being allowed to even kiss her breasts. But Ally clearly did not want to talk about her desires or her needs. Ryan assumed that she had been molested as a child since there were certain ways that she could not tolerate to be touched. There were also certain positions that Ryan had learned never put her in. Ally could not tolerate being on her back with Ryan on top of her. The one time she had tried that she found herself nearly thrown from the bed, so she was careful never to repeat that move. But they sometimes reached a level of intimacy that allowed Ally to shove down her barriers and welcome Ryan’s touch without restriction. Ryan clearly loved those times best of all. As much as she loved being touched, touching Ally seemed like a gift. She would focus all of her energies on pleasing her friend and sometimes they would fly into a frenzy of lovemaking that was truly overpowering for both of them. But every time that happened Ally would withdraw the next day and be unavailable for at least 3 or 4 months. Ryan reflected that the last time they had seen each other they had gotten very intimate. Ally was more vulnerable than she could ever remember her being, and had in fact softly wept after Ryan had made love to her. But the experience had obviously been uncomfortable since she had not heard from her friend since June.

It was clear tonight that Ally did not want Ryan’s hands to wander into restricted space. She slowly unbuckled Ryan’s belt while she kept her gaze locked on her. She pulled it from the loops and quickly wrapped it around Ryan’s hands and gripped it tight, completely restricting her ability to move her hands independently. She gently tossed her onto her back and tied the belt over the wooden arm of the sofa, causing Ryan’s arms to be fully extended over her head.

Ryan sighed deeply as she felt her hands being removed from her control. She was completely confident in Ally’s concern for her and she knew that she would stop anything she was doing if Ryan asked her to. She didn’t restrict Ryan for her own pleasure as much as she did to remind her to relax and give up any desire for control. And Ryan had to admit that it worked perfectly. She opened herself up to Ally’s desires and let her friend use her body to bring both of them the pleasure that they sought.

Ally moved down to remove Ryan’s big black lineman’s boots and her thick white socks. She spent a long time massaging her feet, sending waves of pleasure up and down Ryan’s spine. Ryan was so relaxed that her limbs felt heavy and weak. Ally decided to crank her back up a bit so she raised Ryan’s foot up and began to sensually suck on her clean pink toes. The feel of that terribly soft warm mouth on her foot brought her right back up to her previous level of arousal. She started to slowly twitch her hips as she waited for her friend to make her next move. She sincerely hoped that it would involve her vulva, but she had a feeling that she was a long way from getting any release. Much to her surprise Ally began to slowly unzip her jeans. She slid her hand in and tickled her mound with just the tips of her fingers. Ryan’s hips shot off the sofa and tried to increase the pressure but Ally knew all of her tricks. She lightened up her touch every time Ryan thrust at her until she was touching only her panties.

She leaned over and whispered into Ryan’s flushed ear, “Are you ready for me, Sweetness?”

Ryan closed her eyes and ground her hips around in a little circle as she slowly nodded her head.

“Talk to me Sugar. Tell me what you want, she cooed.

Ryan took several deep breaths before she had the ability to express her needs. “I want you to touch me Ally. I want to feel your hands on me and I want your fingers deep inside of me.”

“Mmmm, I want that too, Sugar, she whispered as she captured Ryan’s swollen bottom lip and gently sucked it into her mouth. She nibbled on the tender flesh for a moment before she moved on to explore Ryan’s mouth with her tongue. After a few achingly long moments she pulled away and gazed into Ryan’s desire filled eyes. “I promise you’ll get all you can handle, Sweetness. But I don’t think you’re ready yet, she informed her with a note of regret in her deep voice. “When you’re really ready you’ll beg for my touch.”

She climbed on top of Ryan and started to kiss her again. Ryan’s mouth opened and welcomed Ally’s warm tongue as it began to explore every surface. As the kissing intensified Ryan had an overpowering desire to wrap her arms around Ally’s back and toss her over. She wanted to satisfy her primal urge to be on top but her bound hands constantly reminded her that she was a bottom today, and would remain so for the duration of the evening.

After she had kissed her so thoroughly that her lips felt bruised Ally moved down again. She went to the end of the sofa and grabbed the hems of Ryan’s pant legs and gave a powerful yank. The jeans flew from her body and were quickly tossed aside. Her panties were pulled down inadvertently so Ally gently pulled them back up and softly patted Ryan’s belly. Then she climbed on top again and began to kiss Ryan’s nipples through her bra. The pressure of her firm tongue made the material feel quite rough on Ryan’s delicate skin. Her nipples puckered so forcefully that her areolas almost disappeared. Ally’s hands were never still as her mouth worked away. She ran her hands up and down Ryan’s torso, touching her lightly, teasingly.

After a long while she sat up and gazed at Ryan for a moment. She reached up and untied her hands, swiftly pulling her up to a sitting position. “Dance with me, she said simply as she extended a hand. Ryan obediently grasped it as she was pulled to her feet. Ally was still fully clothed. She had on black jeans and a white cropped T-shirt that bore a logo that read ‘girl’. Ryan guessed that she also wore a sports bra since she had no cleavage tonight. She just fervently hoped that she’d be allowed to find out what was under those clothes before the night was over.

A slow, emotion laden song was playing and Ally wrapped her arm around Ryan’s waist as she grasped her hand and held it to her breast. She began to move her slowly around the wooden floor, keeping perfect time to the music. Ryan felt more naked than she would have felt it she was in fact naked. Something about dancing in your lacy underwear when your partner was fully dressed could do that to a girl.

Ally’s black Doc Martin’s added to her height advantage to make her at least 3 inches taller than her partner but the height difference allowed Ryan to get close by tucking her breasts just under Ally’s. Ryan let her head drop to rest on Ally’s broad shoulder and she sighed as she felt her partner’s head turn to gently rest against hers. There was something so intimate about this tender dance that Ryan felt a burst of emotion well up in her throat. They continued to move with and against each other until the entire CD was finished. As the music stopped they stood and swayed together for a few long minutes. Ally finally lifted her head and kissed Ryan tenderly, just barely brushing their lips together. Her hand lifted from Ryan’s back and gently held the back of her head as she slowly increased the intensity of the kiss until she could feel her partner’s knees begin to weaken.

With one powerful move she swept Ryan into her arms and started to carry her towards the bedroom. Ryan raised her hands to clasp behind Ally’s neck as she leaned back and enjoyed the ride. She hadn’t been carried to bed since she was a small child and she smiled sweetly as she thought of all of the women she had done this to. When they arrived she laid her gently onto the neatly made bed and started to undress. Ryan stared at her with her heavy lidded eyes filled with open desire. It was clear that she appreciated Ally’s sculpted body and she did her best to show that appreciation with her eyes. Her gaze was met with a knowing smirk as Ally showed off a bit. She removed her T-shirt and pulled her bra over her head. Standing there in her jeans she stretched and arched her back languidly. Ryan took in all of the rippling muscles in her back and shoulders as she felt her mouth go dry with the insistent craving that pounded in her body. She loved few things more than to feel those muscles flex as she touched them with her hands and mouth.

Ally turned around to remove her jeans. Her only motivation was to show off her back a little bit more but Ryan loved this exhibitionistic part of her friend. She appreciated great bodies and she thought it only fair that the owner would appreciate her own body as well. She shucked her jeans slowly as she displayed herself completely. Next she slid her gray panties down her rock hard legs and stepped out of them. Another few stretches for Ryan’s benefit and she climbed onto the bed.

“God, you look good, Ryan breathed as she ran her fingers up Ally’s legs. “I’ve never seen your legs look so big.” Ally didn’t stop her so she continued to trail her hands over the starkly defined muscles. “Ummm, your quads are like iron, she said in wonder as she pushed her thumbs into the big muscles. She was just about to move her hands to feel the backs of Ally’s legs when she abruptly found herself on her back again.

“Break’s over, Sweetie, back to work, Ally said with a wild look in her eyes as she climbed on top of her again. She returned her attentions to Ryan’s now aching breasts. Once again her nipples popped up quickly as Ally let out a little chuckle. “Somebody seems to like me, she said as she blew a cool breath across the tender nubs.

“Ummm, they like you a lot, Ryan purred as she felt the sensation begin to radiate out from her breasts. Ally continued to tease the taut nipples through the lacy bra until Ryan once again started to roll her hips in a very beguiling fashion.

Ally rolled her onto her side and unclasped her bra and lifted it from her body. She put her on her back again as she leaned over her ruby red nipples and spoke to them as if they were sentient. “You look so red and swollen, she said sympathetically. “I bet you’d love someone to soothe you with a nice warm mouth, wouldn’t you?”

Ryan answered for her nipples as she tried to grab Ally’s head and pull it onto one of the inflamed tips. But Ally was far too quick for her. She got a firm grip on both of Ryan’s hands and placed them upon two of the spindles in her wooden headboard. She leaned over until her nose was nearly touching Ryan’s. “Keep them there, she growled.

Ryan despised to have to control herself and even though she had never revealed this fact to Ally she had a feeling that the larger woman knew it and forced her to do so just to make her point. It was much easier for her if Ally just tied her hands. But Ally got a lot of pleasure from Ryan’s internal struggle to obey this one simple command, so she did her best to comply. She gripped the spindles firmly and closed her eyes as Ally dipped her head and covered one of her aching nipples with her mouth. The warm, wet tongue was very soothing and Ryan luxuriated in the sensation. Ally blew on them again and Ryan felt some of the heat leave the tender nubs as the cool air passed over.

She felt her hips begin to thrust as her friend began to suck more and more of her breast into her mouth. She wanted to reach down and hold Ally’s head and push her mouth more firmly against her breast but she was unable to do so because of her restrained hands. The fact that she was the one restraining herself just made the sensation all the more deliciously frustrating. She just wished that Ally would slide one of those rock hard thighs between her legs so she could have some pressure on her vulva. It was so

maddening to have her hips thrusting against nothing but air, but she could not keep them still, no matter how hard she tried.

Ally tossed her leg over Ryan’s hips and sat up, straddling her thighs. Ryan smiled to herself as she felt those dark brown curls leave a moist trail as they passed over her leg. Ally opened her arms and beckoned, “Come here, Sugar.”

Ryan relinquished her hold of the spindles and sat up quickly, feeling herself enveloped in her friend’s strong embrace. “I swear you’re more beautiful every time I see you, she whispered into her ear and she squeezed her tightly. Ryan lifted her head and Ally began to kiss her again, this time with a tender, soft, emotion filled touch. She brought her hands around to cup Ryan’s breasts and gently squeezed them as her kisses deepened. Ryan brought her hands up to rest on top of Ally’s and she pressed them harder against herself as they began to move around in a circle. “You have the most perfect breasts I’ve ever touched, she murmured reverently as she continued to move the tortured flesh around slowly in her hands.

She finally pulled one hand away and moved it to the back of Ryan’s head. She lifted her own breast in her hand and raised it to Ryan’s willing mouth. “Please, she begged with a tremulous voice. Ryan thankfully opened her mouth and sucked Ally in. They let out concurrent moans as they both felt a jolt of pleasure from the contact. Ryan’s arousal shot off the scale as she sucked on Ally’s breasts with a ravenous hunger. Her clitoris throbbed as she squeezed her thighs together as tightly as she could manage. She was rewarded by Ally’s soft moans as she worked on her generous mounds with her hands and her mouth. But after all too brief a time Ally pulled her breast away and bent to kiss Ryan for several more minutes.

Ryan’s head was spinning from her unquenched desire as she felt Ally roll off of her. She gave her a wicked grin as she slowly pulled her bikinis off. Ally rolled her onto her stomach and Ryan felt her shift to get something from the nightstand. Suddenly she felt something cold and wet being poured onto her butt, Ally’s second favorite body part. Her strong hands began to massage the cool gel into her skin and Ryan purred as her cheeks were firmly manipulated. As the gel disappeared Ryan was surprised to feel the heat begin to build as Ally blew across her cheeks. The heat continued to grow until Ryan felt like she had been spanked. But as quickly as it developed it began to dissipate until it felt cool once more.

Now Ally squeezed the gel all over Ryan, from the tops of her shoulders, down her back, across her hips and down each leg. She used her hands to spread it around until it coated every inch of skin but she did not rub it in. Instead, Ryan felt her climb on top of her and begin to glide across her body with an incredibly sensual tempo. Every time Ally lifted a particular body part away from Ryan the cool breeze that was blowing across the room heated up her skin until she squirmed. Ryan was quickly becoming so aroused that she was on the verge of slipping her hand between her legs and bringing herself off. But Ally seemed to sense this and she grabbed Ryan’s hands and spread them out under her own powerful arms. She continued to grind against Ryan’s hypersensitive skin, as Ryan pounded her hips against the mattress.

Finally Ryan could not take another minute of frustration. She moaned into the mattress and begged for release. “Please, Ally, she pleaded. “Please touch me. I need you now.”

“Are you sure you’re ready, Ryan? she whispered into her ear.

“YES!!” she cried. “PLEASE!! I’m begging you, Ally, please let me come!”

“Okay, Sugar, she agreed. “You’ve been very good tonight.” She picked up a small towel and quickly wiped the excess of the gel from Ryan’s back and her own chest and legs. They both shivered a bit as the air blew cool and then hot across their sensitized skin. She turned Ryan onto her back and her legs immediately shot open as she placed her feet on the bed, waiting for Ally’s touch.

Ally climbed onto her waist, facing the foot of the bed. She was so wet that Ryan could feel her moisture spreading all across her belly. Ryan clearly had enough of her own lubrication but Ally couldn’t resist putting just a dab of the cinnamon flavored gel right onto her clitoris. Ryan nearly leapt from the bed when she felt the cool liquid hit her overheated clit. But when Ally leaned over her and began to blow on it she nearly hit the ceiling. Her hips flew from the bed so violently that she nearly hit Ally in the face with her pelvis. She called out indecipherable words as she impotently humped the air. Ally scooted down lower to hold her still and slid her fingers across Ryan’s throbbing vulva as she let out a low moan of satisfaction. She had barely begun to move her fingers up and down against her inner lips when Ryan screamed out her climax. She bucked and jerked so violently that Ally had to steady herself with her hands to stay on top of her. But since she was bent over a bit she decided that one more good blow couldn’t hurt. She watched Ryan’s vulva spasm for a moment and just when she began to still Ally blew out a long breath that traveled up and down Ryan’s oversensitized center. “Aaaahhhh! AAAAHHHH!” she yelled as the heat began to build again. She snapped her legs shut and rolled over until she could dislodge her tormentor.

She threw her arms around Ally and they began to wrestle on the bed. “Are you trying to kill me!!?” she panted as she pinned her temporarily.

Ally easily shrugged out of her hold and tossed her onto her back once again. She covered her body with her own and leaned down to kiss Ryan several times. “I’m just trying to please you, Sugar, she purred. “How did I do? she asked with a little grin.

Ryan beamed back at her as she wrapped her arms around her neck. “You did great, she said sincerely as she began to kiss her back. She was surprised to feel Ally begin to submit to her so she rapidly increased her attack. Her kisses intensified quickly as she squeezed the delectable mounds that hovered above her.

“Touch me now, Ally pleaded and Ryan immediately complied. Ally had never asked for what she needed and Ryan was certainly not going to refuse this first request. She rolled her onto her back while she carefully cuddled up next to her. Just for paybacks she squeezed some of the gel onto her fingers before she slid them into Ally’s drenched vulva. Her legs flew open as she grasped Ryan’s hand and pushed it against herself roughly. Just a few seconds of firm pressure and she began to shake as her climax hit her hard. She continued to shiver as she held onto Ryan’s hand, pushing it against herself for a few more seconds. Then she lay very still for a few moments, finally looking up at Ryan with a crooked grin. “Race you to the shower, she said as she vaulted from the bed and dashed in front of her laughing partner. They pushed and elbowed each other for a few moments but Ally won as usual.

Next they fought over the hand held shower for a few minutes to remove the residue of the gel. “What is this stuff?” Ryan asked as a look of bliss crossed her features as the last traces were washed from her vulva.

“It’s cinnamon flavored motion lotion, Ally replied. “It tastes just like ‘Red Hots’.”

“You are truly diabolical, Ryan teased as she leaned over to give her another kiss.

“You really know how to turn a girl’s head,” Ally replied with a sweet smile as she returned the kiss.

By the time they dried off and stopped in the kitchen to feed each other ice cream it was nearly 10 o’clock. They crawled back into bed and cuddled up together to sleep. Ryan was always amazed at how snuggly and affectionate Ally was when they slept together. She had every part of herself touching some part of her partner as they settled down into a comfortable position. “G’night, Ryan, she whispered as Ryan felt herself begin to relax in her warm embrace.

“Good night, Ally, she replied as she turned her head to give her one final kiss. Moments later she could feel her relax and lean against her heavily. Ryan sighed deeply and joined her in sleep minutes later.

***

Jack walked in to his apartment on Friday evening and smiled as his senses took in the smell of roasted chicken coming from the kitchen. There is nothing better than coming home from school and having Jamie here making dinner for us, he thought happily. He stopped in his tracks, however, when he came upon an obviously new bright orange bike leaning against the wall in the hallway.

“Jamie, are you here? he asked.

“Yeah, honey. I’m in here, she replied from the kitchen. “C’mon in.”

He did as he was told, but his confused look remained. “Whose bike is that? he asked as he pointed in the direction of the hallway.

“It’s mine, silly, she replied as she made her way over to give him a proper greeting. “Whose else would it be?”

“I don’t know, he replied. “I didn’t know you liked to ride, and I didn’t know you had a bike, sooo…”

“Well, I do and I do, she said simply, as she wrapped her arms around his neck and silenced any potential response by keeping his lips busy for several long moments.

He was not to be deterred, however. When she pulled away he walked back into the hall and looked more closely at the bike. “Sure seems like a nice one, he said. “Is it new?”

“Yeah, I just got it this week.”

“How come? he inquired as he returned to the kitchen, carrying his mail.

“How come what? she replied, although she knew what the question really was.

“How come you bought a new expensive bike? he said patiently.

“I want to get into riding, she said, as if this explained everything.

But Jack was his usual tenacious self, and he sensed there was more beneath the surface. “Why? he asked firmly as he locked his gaze onto hers, giving her a clear signal that he wanted a complete answer.

“I’ve decided that I’m going to ride in this years AIDS Ride in June.” That should satisfy him, she thought.

“Why would you want to do that? he asked with his voice rising just a bit. “And why are you avoiding my questions?”

“What’s so odd about wanting to do something to support a worthy cause, Jack? she replied. “We’ve both been lucky enough to have been unscathed by this disease. The least I can do is show my support by doing this ride.”

“Jamie, we both know if you wanted to support this cause you could write them a check that would make them faint. That can’t be the reason for doing something this stupid.” As soon as it was out he truly wanted to pull that last word back into his mouth. That urge got stronger when he saw the hurt look in her eyes. “I’m sorry, Jamie. I didn’t mean that, he said as he approached her and tried to put his arms around her.

But Jamie was having none of it. She turned her back on him and struggled to keep the tears from flowing. She shrugged off his repeated attempts to touch her as she tried to control her emotions. Finally she turned around and regarded him with a sad look. “Why would you say something like that, Jack? Are you just trying to hurt me?”

“No, of course not, Sweetheart, he said as he was again rebuffed in his attempt to touch her. “It’s just that it seems there’s more and more stuff that you don’t tell me. I guess I just feel left out, he grumbled with a dejected look on his handsome face.

Jamie could not resist the hurt puppy look and she had to admit that he was right. She was leaving him out of some decisions, so she relented and took him into her arms. “I’m sorry, Jack. I don’t want you to feel left out. This is just something I decided to do recently. It’s important to me and I want your support. I guess I sometimes forget to tell you things, but I’ll try to do better in the future.”

He wrapped her in a fierce hug and held on for several minutes. As he nuzzled his head into her neck he broke the ice by asking, “Do you want to make up like we did last time?”

She laughed a little as she leaned her head back and gave him a tender kiss. “I would love to, but dinner’s about ready. Let’s eat and then go to bed early, okay?”

***

Over dinner she explained the ride more thoroughly. She was reticent to explain how Ryan was so intrinsically involved, but she was resolved to try to keep her promise to Jack. Her friend’s name had not been mentioned since their fight and she felt a little guilty about developing such a close relationship without Jack’s knowledge. The first time she mentioned Ryan’s name Jack paused mid-bite, but he did not comment. Jamie dutifully told him everything. She told him about deciding to do the ride, about buying the bike, about training at the gym. She was chagrined to hear herself mention Ryan every 5 seconds, but she was determined to be completely honest.

Jack asked a few questions, but just generally let her talk. When she was finished he sat back in his chair and regarded her for a long moment. “I would like to get to know this woman, he said simply. “She’s obviously become a very good friend and you seem to be spending quite a lot of time with her so I would like to spend some time with her too.”

“How about tomorrow? she asked with a little grin. “She’s bringing her bike down here and we’re going on a ride.”

“Tomorrow it is, he said with a small smile.

***

They lay in bed together late that night. Jack was sound asleep and Jamie watched him as he lay in peaceful exhaustion. They had made love, and while Jamie was not physically satiated she felt very peaceful lying next to her fiancé. She loved the closeness and the warmth their lovemaking provided. She often thought that her favorite time was after Jack had finished and he lay collapsed in her arms. She felt so close to him, kissing his forehead and holding him tight as she whispered words of love into his ear. She snuggled up behind him and rested her head against his back as she rolled him onto his side, and drifted off.

***

Jamie had donned her new bike shorts and a lightweight long sleeved T-shirt that was designed to wick away sweat. She clomped around the living room in her bike shoes and did a few light stretches to loosen her hamstrings and quads. Ryan was due in a few minutes and she knew she would be on time, as usual. Jamie was a bit nervous and Jack seemed very quiet. I hope this goes well. I know he will like her if he can just give her a chance.

Just then the doorbell rang and she went to let her guest in. Well, I finally got my wish, she sighed to herself as she took in Ryan’s long form. I’ve been dying to see her muscles and she had to show them to me when Jack’s here. But even though she was a bit chagrined she was glad to finally be able to check her out thoroughly. And she had to admit that the wait was well worth it. This woman was a truly amazing sight. She wore black ankle length bike pants that highlighted every firm muscle of her legs, and a tight red short sleeved bicycling jersey covered with advertising logos. Her large red bicycle was casually slung over her broad shoulder, and her black helmet dangled from the handlebar. Her black hair was slicked back off her face, and her face was flushed from obvious exertion which must have included carrying the bike up 3 flights of stairs. She wore a bright smile on her beautiful face as she grinned down at Jamie. “Hi,” she said simply.

“Di..Di..Did you ride here? Jamie asked incredulously as she struggled to resist the urge to catch the drop of sweat that was trailing down the side of Ryan’s cheek.

“Yep. I figured that since I need to put in 100 or so miles on the weekend, that this would be an easy way to do it.”

“C’mon in and I’ll get you something to drink. You look like you could use it,” she laughed. “Honey, Ryan’s here, she said toward Jack’s small office.

He emerged with a quizzical look on his face. He took in the figure before him and shook his head a bit, “Did you ride here? he asked with a smile as he extended his hand.

Ryan struggled a little to remove her padded glove, but finally got it off and took his still extended hand. “Sorry, I’m a little sweaty, she said as she shook Jack’s hand. “That last hill was a killer, she admitted.

Jamie emerged from the kitchen with a cold bottle of water, which was gratefully accepted. Ryan tore open the cap and tilted the bottle up to her mouth. As she leaned her head back to chug the cold water Jack stole a long glance. Wow, he marveled, she could be a model, or something. Well, maybe a model for a fitness magazine, she couldn’t pull off the waif thing at all, he amended.

Ryan dropped the now empty bottle to her thigh and breathed out a satisfied sigh. “Boy, that really hit the spot, Jamie. Thanks.”

“You’re welcome, Jamie grinned. “I’m surprised you didn’t bring some along for the trip.”

“Oh, I did, Ryan admitted. But I drank it all half way down here. Sometimes I don’t pay attention to the weather change from the City to the Peninsula. It was cold and foggy when I left home this morning and I didn’t check the weather before I left. It must be 20 degrees warmer here than at home.”

“Give me your water bottles and I’ll fill them for you, Jamie offered.

Ryan handed over her 2 spent bottles from their cages on her bike. “Can I make a pit stop before we take off again? she inquired.

“Sure. It’s right down the hall, next to the office, Jack replied.

Jamie retreated to the kitchen to complete her chore and Jack followed on her heels. “God Jamie, I didn’t notice before how gorgeous she is, he whispered into her ear as she leaned over the sink.

“Maybe you just like the sweaty look, she said with a chuckle. I know I do, she thought wryly. “Do you feel the standard male urge to convert her to your team? she asked with a giggle, right back into his ear.

“No, not me, but a lot of guys sure would.”

“Why not you? she inquired as her brow furrowed.

“One—because she’ s not my type. Two—because I’ve got my hands full with you. I can’t take on any side work, he said as he bent slightly to kiss her smiling mouth. Jamie was a bit taken by surprise as he really began to get into the kiss. One hand moved up her torso as the other slipped down and palmed her Lycra encased butt. She was about to push him away when she caught a glimpse of Ryan in the doorway.

***

Jamie thought about the kiss for a moment as she finished filling up the bottles and Jack returned to the living room to chat with Ryan. That was odd. He is normally so reserved around other people. It almost seemed like he wanted her to see that, like he was laying claim to me. She briefly chastised herself, You don’t have to analyze everything, Jamie. Maybe he just felt like kissing you at that moment. And trying to cop a feel in front of your lesbian friend, her suspicious side warned.

Ryan hoisted her bike onto her broad shoulder while Jack did the same with Jamie’s. “Jack, I brought it up here myself, she argued, “I’m sure I can get it down the same way.”

“I’m sure you can, Sweetheart, he agreed. “But I’m here and I want to help, he stated gallantly.

As Jamie situated herself on the bike he leaned over and kissed her goodbye. “I really might need your help when I get home, she admitted. “If I ring the buzzer will you come down?”

“Absolutely, he agreed. “Now you two be safe. There’s lot of traffic on Saturday.”

“Okay, Dad, Jamie teased.

“I’ll take care of her, Jack, Ryan said in the same teasing tone.

Jamie thought she saw the smallest flicker of irritation cross his handsome face, but she decided to ignore it.

***

They took off and began their short trek to the Stanford campus. “Have you been down here much? she asked Ryan.

“No, not really, Ryan revealed. “I’ve been to a few athletic events but that’s it. I’m actually not sure that I’ve ever been here during daylight hours.”

“Well you’re in luck because I know this place like the back of my hand, she admitted. As she set her trip computer to zero she asked, “So, we’re doing 15 miles today, Coach?”

“If you feel up to it, Ryan replied. “I know I tortured your legs yesterday and I want you to pay careful attention to how they feel, she warned.

“Well, my butt feels fine and if we stay on this level terrain I think I’ll be fine.”

“Good. This is exactly the type of ride I want you to do on Saturdays. It’s a good thing you come down to the Peninsula on the weekends. It’s the ideal place to do your long slow distance ride. Berkeley is really too hilly unless you stay around campus and that is like sucking on an exhaust pipe.”

“That’s a sweet image. I’m sure I’ll have that in mind when I ride to class on Monday,” she laughed.

They rode through the palm lined streets of the campus which was relatively quiet. There was never a lot of activity on a Saturday when the Cardinal was playing an away game and since today’s game was against UCLA it appeared that a substantial portion of the undergraduates had either taken a road trip to L.A. or were watching the game in their dorm rooms. Ryan had always thought it overly precious that the Stanford mascot was a color. But she supposed that was part of the Stanford mystique. The motto for the school could have been ‘Be completely unique’, she thought.

“So why are you so familiar with Stanford? Ryan quizzed as they rode along.

“Well, both of my parents went here and my mother’s family has a strong connection.”

“Hmm,” said Ryan with a knowing grin. “Given what you’ve told me about your family I assume that means that some big buildings are named after you.”

Jamie shot her a glance but then laughed a bit as she admitted, “Surprisingly not. My family was more into sponsoring chairs in various disciplines. I think they felt that having a building named after you would be nice but only people on campus would know your name. But when a professor is the recipient of the ‘Putnam Barrett Smith Chair of Humanities’ he or she uses that title on all of their professional publications. Lots more notoriety, she informed Ryan with a roll of her eyes.

“Smith, huh?” Ryan said as she rode close. “Could you be any Waspier?”

“Don’t think so,“Jamie admitted.

“Don’t you have any Stepnoski’s or Liebowitzes or Hudek’s or Antonioni’s or even an odd Murphy in your family?”

“Nope. Mother’s family came from England in about 1650 and they’ve stuck to their own kind almost exclusively, near as I can tell. My father’s family also came from England not long after the Revolutionary War.”

“That’s remarkable,“Ryan said with interest. “How do you know so much about your family?”

“Wasps love to research their genealogy,“she said with a laugh. “My mother’s mother hired someone to research their family tree. It’s all in a nicely bound leather book.”

“That’s pretty neat,“Ryan said. “So show me something with your family name on it.”

“Okay,“she replied. They pedaled over to the main quad and hopped off their bikes. Walking over to an impressive stone archway Jamie led her inquisitive friend to a large plaque that had been placed on the interior of the arcade. “There you go,“she said as she pointed to the plaque with a flourish.

The legend read that the archway was substantially retrofitted and repaired after the Loma Prieta earthquake by the generous contributions of the listed benefactors. Ryan scanned the names for a Smith and pointed to a ‘Roger B. Smith’. “Is that your family?”

“Yeah. That’s a cousin. But that’s not what I wanted to show you.” Ryan gave her a puzzled glance so she pointed to the beginning of the alphabet. After a few seconds of scanning Ryan turned to her with a cute little grin. “Are those your parents?”

“Yep.”

“Why are they listed separately?“Ryan inquired as she considered the entries for both James S. Evans and Catherine D.S. Evans.

“Hmm, I’m not sure,“she admitted. “I assume they each made a contribution from their separate funds and they didn’t want to share the glory.”

Ryan shot her a glance to see if she was kidding, but it was obvious that not only was her friend serious, she didn’t seem to think this behavior odd. It was a struggle not to impart her own family’s sense of propriety onto the Evans family but Ryan could not understand why you would not want to have your name listed along with your spouse. It just seemed terribly odd to her but she didn’t want to make a big deal out of it so she kept her opinion to herself. “This is quite a pretty arch,“she said as she looked around.

“Yeah, it is,“Jamie agreed. “As you may know the University was founded by Leland Stanford and his wife, Jane Lathrop Stanford. They had just one child, Leland Junior. He died just a few months before his 16th birthday and they decided to create and dedicate the university to him. The actual name is the Leland Stanford Junior University.”

“I didn’t know that,“Ryan said. “That’s some memorial.”

“Yeah. Mrs. Stanford was quite the impressive woman. This arch was one of her personal touches.” Jamie led her friend around to the front of the structure. She pointed up at the stone carvings that lined the arch and pointed out that each one bore a tiny heart right in the center. “She really dedicated the rest of her life to making this university one of the finest in the country. She must have missed her son terribly, but I really admire her for doing something positive in his name rather than just quietly mourning him.”

Ryan was studying the arch and Jamie watched as her elegant fingers softly stroked one of the carved hearts. Her companion was very quiet as she contemplated the structure. Finally she said, “As hard as it was to lose my mother it’s the natural order of things, you know?“she asked as she turned to face Jamie. “A child is supposed to outlive their parents. I just can’t imagine how devastating it would be to lose your only child at such a young age,“she said quietly.

The sad longing in those clear blue eyes made Jamie unconsciously place her hand in the small of Ryan’s back in a small attempt at comforting her friend. Ryan draped an arm around her shoulders and gave her a gentle hug. “Thanks for showing me this,“she said quietly.

“Would you like to see the Memorial Church?“she asked. “It’s where my parents were married.”

“Sure,“Ryan said happily as she removed her arm from its perch.

“It’s right in the back of this interior quadrangle,“Jamie informed her as they walked along. Moments later they were standing in the beautiful non-denominational church. Ryan’s head was thrown back as she gazed at the magnificent stained glass windows that surrounded her.

“These are outstanding!“she whispered as Jamie approached.

“Yeah, this place is pretty special,“she agreed quietly, even though they were the only people in the structure. “The inscriptions on the walls are from Mrs. Stanfords writings,“she informed Ryan. “Some of them are quite beautiful.”

Ryan was obviously fascinated by the church and Jamie left her to her wanderings. She sat down in a pew to rest her legs but found herself slyly watching Ryan as she stopped before each inscription. When she spotted her friend staring at one particular inscription for a long while Jamie finally walked over to her and read it.

Ryan turned to her slowly and said, “Those are the words of someone who has known sorrow…but refused to let it own her.”

Jamie gave her a small smile and pondered the words again:

There are but few on earth free from cares, none but carry burdens of sorrow. And if all were asked to make a package of their troubles, and throw this package on a common pile, and then were asked to go and choose a package that they were willing to bear, all would select their own package again.

Your heartaches may be great, burdens heavy, but look around you and with whom would you change?

She was deep in thought when she felt Ryan’s warm hand on her shoulder. “You okay?“she asked gently.

“Yeah, yeah,“she said as she shook her head a little. “I was just thinking of how lucky I’ve been. I mean, I just feel like I haven’t experienced any terrible sorrows or know any serious troubles.”

Ryan gave her a gentle hug, as she leaned over and whispered, “Don’t rush it, Jamie. Live long enough and you’ll know your share.” She looked up at her friend and rested her head against her broad shoulder for a second. In a flash it hit her…she wasn’t commenting so much about her charmed life…she was fervently wishing that she could remove the sad, haunted look that came over her friend’s blue eyes when she thought about her own losses. But she didn’t feel comfortable sharing this thought with Ryan so she just gave her a little squeeze and sat down until her friend had finished investigating the church.

When they returned to the bright sunshine Jamie pointed out some markers of her family history, including the spot under a beautiful redwood where her father had proposed to her mother. “That’s really neat, Jamie,“she marveled. “How old were your parents when they married?”

“Mother was only 20 when she had me, so I guess she was still 19 when they married. He was 24 at the time.”

“How old is Jack?“Ryan asked thoughtfully.

“He’s 24,” Jamie replied.

“And when is your wedding set for?”

“The summer after I graduate,“Jamie replied. “I want to have the whole college experience as a single woman. And I want Jack to have a years work out of the way.”

“Does he know where he is going to work?” Ryan inquired.

“Yeah, pretty much. He really wants to clerk for a federal judge after he graduates this summer. That could take him anywhere, though. He can’t be too picky about the location. He wants the 9th Circuit Federal Court of Appeals. That would have him in the western region, but it could be Montana or even Hawaii. That’s why I didn’t want to get married right after he graduates.”

“Wow, won’t that be hard if he’s that far away?”

Seemingly for the first time Jamie considered that. “Um, I guess it will but it’s what he wants and it will help his long term career prospects.”

For the second time that day Ryan bit her tongue rather than comment on the strange ways of these people of the Peninsula. “What are his plans after the clerkship is over,“Ryan asked.

“It’s pretty obvious that he’ll get an offer from Morris, Foster,“Jamie replied.

“What firm does your father work for?“Ryan asked casually.

“That would be Morris, Foster,“Jamie admitted with a little blush.

“I’m not prying, am I?“Ryan asked with a hint of concern in her voice.

“No, not at all. I know that Jack is really talented. It just seems like an ideal opportunity for nepotism even though I know it’s not. I guess I’m just sensitive to people perceiving me in a certain fashion.”

“I certainly don’t perceive of you as anything other than a hard working woman who I am certain would never marry anyone other than a hard working, talented man,“Ryan said confidently. “Besides, the mere fact that your father works for the firm isn’t that big a deal. I mean, it is a huge place, isn’t it?”

Jamie rolled her eyes a bit as she revealed, “Yeah it’s huge all right…but my dad doesn’t just work there. He’s the managing partner. That’s about like being the CEO of a business.”

“Oh…um…well, I bet in a way that will make it a little harder for Jack. The last thing your dad wants is to hire some dolt and have everyone think it’s mere nepotism.”

“Thanks, Ryan,“Jamie replied, a bit relieved. “It’s just that I know people think that everything comes so easily for me, and that my parents just get me everything I want,“she admitted. “I worry that people will think that Jack got his job because I demanded it.”

“I know that’s not true,“Ryan said gravely. “Money can’t buy everything, Jamie. It can’t buy you big quadriceps!“this last sentence came from over her shoulder as she put on a terrific burst of speed and left Jamie in her dust, a mellow laugh trailing after her.

“I thought the key for this ride was long SLOW distance!“Jamie huffed as she finally caught up to Ryan’s slowing form.

“It is, Jamie,“she said seriously. “Why, do you want to go fast?“she asked with the most cherubic of faces.

“It’s obvious that you were raised with brothers, Ryan O’Flaherty,“she sulked.

“Yeah, sometimes it’s painfully obvious!“Ryan teased, as she burst into another flash of blinding speed.

***

They completed the scheduled 15 miles with just a few more sprints. By the time they returned to the apartment Jamie was definitely beginning to tighten up. “I don’t think I could go another mile,“she moaned.

Ryan looked fresh as a daisy, of course, and this slightly irritated Jamie. “You know, you could at least try not to look like you’ve been lying on the beach for the afternoon.”

Ryan laughed and did her best to put on a tired and bedraggled expression. She dragged herself over to the buzzer and rang it several times. “I guess Jack went out,“she finally said after 3 tries.

“And I was going to bribe him to carry me upstairs, “Jamie whined.

“Well, you’re way too heavy for a poor tired woman like me,“Ryan teased. “But I could help you out with this.” At that she leaned over and grabbed Jamie’s bike frame with one powerful arm and hefted it onto her shoulder. She grabbed the wheel with her hand to steady it and then repeated the series of motions to pick up her own bike. She turned and grinned at a startled Jamie, “Lead on Princess.”

Jamie climbed the stairs quickly, extracting her key from a small, hidden pocket in her bike shorts. She held the door open fully for Ryan to enter with her cargo. As she carefully squatted and placed all four wheels on the ground Jamie stood in front of her and steadied both sets of handlebars.

“Thank you, Oh Powerful One,“she intoned as she bent in praise.

“Oh, that’s nothing,“Ryan replied casually. “I probably could have left you on the darn thing, but it would have upset my center of gravity.”

“Yeah, right!“Jamie teased along with a little poke in the gut. “Hey,“she said seriously as she poked again and was met with a very firm resistance, “Maybe you’re right,“she marveled. “I thought you said your tummy was flabby,“she chided.

“I’m quite sure I never said that,“Ryan assured her with a chuckle. “I said that I have a thicker layer of abdominal fat than you have but my abs are in great shape if I do say so myself. Keeping them built up really helps with bike riding.”

Jamie reached over to pat her again. “They are firm,“she admitted, wishing that Ryan would lift her shirt for a peek. “How do you get them so firm? Do you do the same crunches you showed me?”

“Yeah, sometimes,“she advised. “But I like to challenge myself a little so I’ve devised some little tortures that I don’t think you’d like,“she said with a grin.

Jamie crossed her arms across her chest and glared at her friend. “Like what, Tough Stuff?”

“Well, my new favorite is to lie on a declining bench and do some crunches.”

“That doesn’t sound so hard,“Jamie scoffed.

“No, that part isn’t hard. But I have someone toss a medicine ball at my gut while I’m doing them,“she said with a casual look on her face.

“WHAT!? One of those heavy, sand filled, leather balls?”

“Uh huh,“she said as she blithely refastened her pony tail, trying to suppress a grin at Jamie’s shocked expression.

“I don’t think I believe you,“she finally mumbled.

Ryan could never resist a challenge. She stood tall and gazed at her friend with a daring look and said, “Hit me.”

“What?!”

“Hit me,“she repeated. “Hit me in the gut…hard as you can.”

“Ryan! I wouldn’t do that! I would hurt you!”

Ryan gave her a slight smirk as she scoffed, “Don’t think so.”

“You don’t think I could hurt you?“she asked incredulously. “I’m not as weak as I look!”

“Prove it,“she demanded, her blue eyes sparking fire.

“Fine!“Jamie fumed, quite insulted that her friend treated her like a weakling. Ryan tensed her abs and jutted out her chin defiantly. Jamie pulled her arm back and popped her right in the gut at about 50% of her capacity. She had closed her eyes as she swung since she did not want to see the pain in her friend’s face. But when she opened her eyes Ryan was not only not in pain she was laughing at her.

“Is that all you’ve got?“she scoffed.

“You want more? I’ll give you more!” This time she kept her eyes wide open as she reared back and slammed her fist into Ryan’s midsection with as much force as she could generate. But at impact it felt like she had slammed her hand into a brick wall. Only this wall was smirking at her.

“That was better,“she advised. “Wanna switch?”

“You are truly mad!“she fumed, rather outraged that she had been unable to hurt Ryan’s body or her attitude. But just as that thought hit her she slapped herself in the head. “You made me want to hurt you!“she gasped. “I’ve never hit someone with that intent before!”

Ryan slung an arm around her shoulders and gave her a sound hug. “Boy you missed a lot not growing up with brothers! If one of us wasn’t bleeding or crying at the end of the day we just felt incomplete!”

“Well I’ve had enough,“she grumbled. “I don’t ever want you to taunt me into hitting you again! Are you sure I didn’t hurt you?”

“Nope,“she declared. She reached out and grasped Jamie’s right hand and closely examined the wrist. “You didn’t hurt yourself did you?“she asked solicitously.

The smaller woman shook her hand roughly a few times. “No, but it does sting a little. How on earth do you make your abs that hard?”

“Nothing but hard work, Pal.” Ryan cast a glance at the slight quiver in Jamie’s thighs, “Time for a little rub down, Buffy,“she ordered.

“Ohhh, my favorite part of any exercise,“Jamie enthused.

***

Jack walked in to the apartment as Ryan was finishing her massage of Jamie’s hamstrings. His face was friendly, but a little impassive, to Jamie’s eyes. Please don’t let this bother him. “Hi, Honey. Where did you go?“she asked brightly.

“I had to run down to the bookstore for a few minutes. I’m sorry I wasn’t here to help you bring the bike up.”

“You should be, I really needed a hand,“she lied. She glanced at Ryan to see if her lie would get a reaction, but Ryan’s head was bent in concentration at her task. “Ryan’s a massage therapist,” Jamie added, even though Jack had not commented on their activities.

He forced himself to banish the thought of Ryan giving a woman an intimate all nude massage, and said weakly, “Oh, that’s nice.”

Jamie was pleased that the rather intimate contact with Ryan didn’t seem to bother Jack. Maybe he’s really getting used to her, she hoped.

***

Late that night as Jack hovered over her, claiming her with a need that was foreign to their lovemaking, Jamie wondered if Ryan was the cause. Whatever the cause, she thought, this is a very good thing.

***

Early the next morning as Ryan lay quivering in Ally’s arms she thanked the gods that she had the foresight to request gentle treatment on Friday night. My God, if she had done me like this on Friday I would have had to cancel our bike ride. I’m not even sure I’ll be able to ride my Harley home. Oh well, she thought as she drifted off to sleep, I sure couldn’t choose which of those orgasms to give back, so I guess I’ll keep them all!

***

Not only did they not have brunch before their appointment with Mark, they barely made it to the gym by noon. Ryan just did her job on autopilot and by the end of the hour she wasn’t sure if he liked Ally or not. But he happily agreed to switch and he gave Ryan a big kiss goodbye and wished her luck.

Ryan looked at Ally through her bloodshot eyes and moaned, “If I don’t get some food into this poor abused body I’m gonna faint!”

“We’ve got 3 hours until our next appointment. I’ll buy you some lunch, Sweetness. What would you like to eat?”

“Anything, as long as it’s fast,“she replied.

Ally didn’t take her seriously. She knew that Ryan needed some nutrients to get her through the day so she took her to a nice little café right on Market that specialized in low fat vegetarian food. Ryan scanned the menu and tried to find something that did not appeal to her. She was unsuccessful so she ordered a cheese and mushroom frittata and a fruit salad. She also asked for a large orange juice and some coffee. Ally got an egg white omelet and oatmeal, her normal breakfast fare.

Ally dashed off to use the restroom and Ryan whiled away the time thinking about their relationship. It dawned on her that they hadn’t shared a meal in a restaurant in years. Ally suggested we have brunch together, she mused. And both nights she let me touch her much earlier than normal. I wonder what’s up with that? And she just seemed to assume that I would stay with her all weekend. Normally she doesn’t extend that kind of invitation. Could she be changing the rules? Do I want her to?

She was pulled from her reverie by Ally’s light kiss on her cheek as she passed by to take her seat. “Miss me?“she asked with a twinkle in her eye.

Ryan gave her a sweet smile and reached out to lightly grasp her hand as she honestly replied, “Often.”

Ally cocked her head and looked like she was going to ask what that meant but she obviously decided not to pursue the issue. “So tell me more about this new job.”

Ryan gave her a little more info on ‘Women Power’ and filled her in on how the opportunity came up.

“Is that the same woman you went on your bike ride with?“she asked.

Ryan was surprised that she had caught that detail. “Yeah, it is. She’s a woman from my ‘Lesbian Sexuality’ class at school.”

Ally just shook her head at that. “Do you think they offer that class at normal schools or just Berserkely?“she asked, using the playful moniker for the ultra-liberal campus.

“I think it’s probably common at the big, liberal universities, but I don’t think it’s the norm by any means,“she admitted.

“Sounds like a great way to pick up women,“she said with a wink. “Had any luck besides this Jamie?”

“Yeah, I’ve had a couple of nice evenings with my classmates,“she admitted. “But not Jamie. She’s actually straight. She’s engaged to a guy who goes to Stanford. That’s why we were riding in Palo Alto. She goes down there on the weekends to stay with him.”

“Uhh huh,“Ally said with a knowing smirk. “All the straight girls take a class in Lesbian Sexuality. And even more of them want to hang out with you.”

“No really, Ally, she’s straight,“Ryan patiently explained.

“How many straight women are you friends with, Ryan?“she asked her directly.

“Umm…” Ryan furrowed her brow as she ran through her list of friends. With a chagrined look she finally admitted, “None.”

“Exactly. And I’m guessing that it’s not because you don’t like straight women. But most straight women feel uncomfortable being really close with a lesbian unless they want to flip…at least temporarily. I guarantee she wants more from you than just friendship,“she predicted.

“Hmm, I don’t know how I’d feel about that,” Ryan reflected. “I think I like her too much to have a fling with her. I think it would screw up our friendship.”

“Is she cute?”

“Oh yeah,“Ryan said with a playful chuckle. “She’s totally cute. About 5‘4”, slim, but with some nice muscles beginning to develop, blonde hair, sea green eyes, pouty little mouth…”

“Okay, okay,“Ally said with a laugh as she held up her hands, “I get it!” She looked at Ryan for another minute as she added, “If she ever gets kidnapped I hope the cops ask you for her description.”

Ryan flushed a little at the implication. “I’m just observant,“she said rather defensively.

“Hey, you don’t have to convince me,“Ally reminded her. “But if I was her boyfriend I’d keep her away from you,“she said firmly as she patted Ryan’s hand. “Mother Teresa would want to flip for you, Sugar,“she said fondly.

“She’s dead, Ally,“Ryan reminded her.

“Wouldn’t matter, Baby. You could bring the dead to life!”

***

Monday morning found Ryan lying beneath Ally’s sprawled out body. After their 4 o’clock appointment Ryan had gone home for dinner but as soon as the dishes were clean she packed up her things in her backpack and headed on back to Ally’s. They had spent the night making love with nearly as much passion as they had possessed on Saturday night, and Ryan was almost ready to shut off her watch alarm and just stay cuddled up.

The insistent alarm woke them both and Ally crawled off of her to go to the bathroom while Ryan waged a small war with her well hidden lazy side. When she returned she reached for Ryan and started to stroke her belly in a very friendly manner. Ryan knew if they got started again she’d lose the whole day so she gave her a kiss and softly patted her cheek. “Gotta go, Babe,“she murmured softly, forcing herself to slip out of bed avoiding Ally’s reaching hands. She stumbled into the shower and when she came out her friend was sound asleep again. Ryan checked the alarm clock to make sure it was set for 8 since she assumed Ally had to be at work by 9 and then she walked over to the kitchen table and left her a note.

Thanks for the marvelous lesson in how to fill up a weekend. I’ll think of you all day…especially every time I have to sit down!

Love,

Ryan

She hopped on her Harley with a grimace and rode directly to the MUNI station to catch a ride to school. I’ll be much better off standing the whole way, she thought with a grimace. Why did we have to try out every new toy she’s bought since I saw her last? Will I never learn?

***

She barreled into class about 5 minutes late and took a seat near the door. Jamie caught sight of the grimace as she sat down and wondered if Ryan had hurt herself on their bike ride. But when she looked at her again she noticed how terrible she looked. She was very pale and her eyes looked dull and bloodshot. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail and shoved haphazardly under a baseball cap. As Jamie cast another glance at her Ryan’s head hit her chest and she jerked in her seat as she startled herself awake. She looks injured alright, she smirked. But not from biking.

After class Ryan waited for her outside the door. She was leaning against the wall and looked like she might fall asleep right where she stood. “I don’t want to belabor an obvious point, but you look like you could use some coffee,“Jamie teased when Ryan forced her eyes open.

“I don’t think coffee will help,“she moaned. “I think I’m going to find a nice shady spot and take a nap until I have to go to work.”

“Don’t you have your bio lab?”

“Yeah, but there’s no way I could safely perform any experiments today. I don’t want to endanger my fellow students.”

“Come on,“she said as she slipped her arm around Ryan’s waist. “I can help you out.”

After a relatively slow and silent walk they were climbing the stairs to Jamie’s house. “I take it that you figured out how to fill your weekend,“Jamie asked casually as she led her friend up to her bed to allow her to crash.

“Oh, it got filled all right,“Ryan said, thinking to herself, Along with every other orifice.

Chapter 5

The workout schedule that they had agreed on was meeting their needs perfectly. It allowed Jamie to tax her legs 4 times per week, which allowed a full day of rest between workouts. Jamie rode her long distances on Monday and Wednesday. Her hill climb was on Saturday or Sunday depending on her weekend plans. She found a good set of hills near Jack’s apartment, so she was set. They worked her trunk and shoulders on Monday, her arms and back on Wednesday and her legs and chest on Fridays,

After two weeks of this regimen Ryan decided to leave her mountain bike at Jamie’s so they could ride together on Monday and Wednesday. As much as Ryan loved her new gym she could no longer go on her morning bike rides, so she had to use whatever time she had available in the afternoons. She began to ride her motorcycle to Jamie’s and leave it in her driveway at 5:00 a.m. She would then fetch her bike and ride to work, and later to class. Cassie was not very happy to be roused from sleep every morning at 5:00 by the thrumming engine of the Harley, but she eventually stopped complaining when Ryan agreed to turn off the engine at the curb and walk the bike down the drive.

Cassie was also not particularly happy when Jamie gave Ryan a key to the house.

“Jamie, I don’t want that woman to be able to barge in here whenever she pleases,” she huffed.

“Okay Cassie,” Jamie agreed. “She needs to come in to change out of her boots and heavy jacket before she can ride her bike, so I’ll just tell her to ring the bell every morning. You are a really light sleeper, so would you run down and let her in?” she inquired sweetly.

“Fine Jamie, just give all the sex crazed lesbians in town a key to our house,” she fumed. “You know, I talked to some people who know her and they say she is a real slut. I can’t believe that’s the type of person you like to associate with.”

She pursed her lips and regarded her roommate for a long moment. “Cassie if all of my friends were as kind and as generous and as honorable as Ryan, I would be one happy woman,” she stated with narrow, flashing eyes, as she turned on her heel; hoping that Cassie understood the true meaning of the jibe.

***

As the term progressed the demands on Jamie’s time increased until she felt like she didn’t have a moment to herself. She spent a massive amount of time reading for her 4 English classes and she occasionally kicked herself mentally for taking so many classes that required so much reading. When her face was not actually buried in a book she was either at the gym or riding in the hills. But she found that no matter how much time she dedicated to her workouts she did not regret one minute of them. When she was on her bike she was able to free her mind of every concern about her classes and her future. She didn’t worry about her relationship with Jack or think about their life together. She merely put her mind on hold and let the wind fly past her face as she pedaled along the steep hills of Berkeley. Having been away from bike riding for so many years she realized that she had forgotten the freedom that two wheels afforded. No matter how bad traffic was she could scoot right past the stalled cars and be home in a matter of minutes.

But the workouts with Ryan were what really kept her motivated. They worked together 3 hours a week but she had to admit that they were among the most enjoyable hours of her busy week. Even though they spent lots of time together having coffee or a quick meal the workouts were when Jamie felt truly special.

When she really allowed herself to think about it Jamie was the one who usually spent her time making other people feel special. Sometimes it seemed that her entire relationship with Jack was spent making sure that his needs were met: making him lunch and dinner; being with him while he studied; never making demands to go out to dinner or a movie; and being available to him sexually. But for 3 hours a week the world revolved around Jamie and her slowly developing body.

One of the things she had grown to appreciate about Ryan was her ability to intensely focus on a task. As the weeks passed she realized that focus was never welcomer than when it centered around her.

Jamie had observed many other trainers during her weeks at the gym but she had never observed anyone who concentrated so fiercely on their clients. Without a word from Jamie Ryan would automatically remove 5 pounds from the weight stack if it was a tiny bit too heavy; she would order her to stop at 9 reps instead of 10 if she detected too much fatigue; she would skip a certain exercise if a related exercise was too difficult on a given day. All in all she was just so highly attuned to Jamie and her body that after a while they spoke very little during the sessions.

After most sessions they rode to Jamie’s home on their bikes. Ryan was always vigilant to make sure that Jamie’s muscles were warm enough to handle the short trek and once they arrived she would invariably order her client into the shower. Ryan would wait patiently for Jamie to finish in the bath and then she would give her a thorough massage on whatever body part they had stressed. During the massage Ryan would usually spend at least 10 minutes praising her performance in the weight room. Jamie knew that part of the reason Ryan did this was to keep her motivated; nonetheless, she ate it up greedily. She just felt so unique and special when they spent this time together that she began to wake up in a very happy mood on every workout day.

***

On a cool and overcast Wednesday Jamie arrived at the gym for their usual 4 o’clock appointment. She looked around for Ryan but did not see her hanging around the front desk as was her usual habit. She dropped her things off in a locker and entered the main part of the gym, looking for her friend. After she was about to give up and have her paged she spotted her in the far corner of the gym.

Jamie had never even noticed the boxing equipment located on a slightly raised platform in the corner. But Ryan was standing in front of a heavy leather covered bag, banging the stuffing out of it with her hands which were encased in bright red boxing gloves. She stood for a second and observed her friend, watching the sweat fly from her face as she delivered one strong blow after another. Jamie mused that she would not hit the bag the way her friend was doing it. But when she watched carefully she could see that Ryan’s technique was the proper one. She punched from her shoulder, getting the force of her entire torso behind each blow. Jamie noted that she was nearly standing on her toes while she punched the bag and that her body followed her arm, with even her hips helping provide thrust. It truly amazed her that she could stand and watch her friend for such a long time without her being aware of her scrutiny, but Ryan was so intent that she was obviously unaware of anything other than her furious assault on the heavy bag. “Um..mad at someone?” she finally asked to break the spell.

Ryan whirled to face her, sweat flying from her hair and hitting Jamie in a light spray. “When did you get…what time is it?” she asked as she looked at her watch. “My God!” she gasped. “It’s 4:15!”

“I know,” Jamie said with a smile. “I’ve been watching you for 15 minutes.”

“You have?” Ryan asked with a truly perplexed look on her face.

As she said that Jamie realized how odd it sounded to just be watching her so she explained, “I’ve never seen anyone work on a bag like that. I’ve always been fascinated by boxing.”

“You have?” Ryan asked dubiously as she grabbed a small towel from a stack and wiped her face and neck down.

“Yeah, I have. That was pretty impressive, by the way,” she said with a smile.

“Thanks,” Ryan said as she blushed a bit. “My 3 o’clock cancelled and I wanted to do something aerobic for a few minutes. I thought this would be something that I could do and not sweat too much,” she said as she looked at herself rather helplessly. Sweat was still running down her face and into her black shirt. Rivulets ran down her arms and even her thick black golf shirt looked drenched.

“Um…you were wrong?” Jamie hazarded.

“Well, I started out just playing around with the speed bag,” Ryan admitted. “But when I was finished I still felt kind of twitchy so I thought the heavy bag would tire me out.”

“Twitchy?”

“Yeah,” she said as a blush covered her face and neck. “Sometimes I just need to…I don’t know…like let off some steam.”

“I think you were successful,” Jamie observed wryly.

“I didn’t look too bad after the speed bag,” Ryan insisted.

“Well as long as you’re doing a demo let me see you on that for a minute,” she begged, truly interested in seeing her friend work her magic again.

Ryan graced her with a quirky grin. “You sure?” she asked dubiously.

“Positive,” Jamie insisted. Ryan shrugged her broad shoulders and stuck out her hands. After a second Jamie realized that she could not take the gloves off herself. “Wow, these would have been a good way for my parents to make me stop sucking my thumb at night,” she laughed.

“Hmm, I didn’t suck my thumb but I could have used these for a little self control at night myself,” Ryan mused as Jamie slapped her firmly in the stomach.

“Some of your dates probably wish you had them now,” Jamie chided her.

“Ooo, that’s cold,” Ryan muttered. She pulled off the gloves that Jamie had unlaced and put on a pair of very lightweight hand protectors. Facing the bag she centered her weight and raised her fists almost to eye level. “My brother Conor put up a speed bag in the garage when I was about 10,” she revealed as she started to slowly tap the bag with each hand in sequence. “I had to stand on a box to hit the darn thing but I was much more dedicated than he was. Of course he was 14 and just starting to get into girls so his attention was diverted,” she smirked. “Anyway, I loved working on that bag and it really helped me enormously with my hand/eye coordination as well as my concentration. I was so skinny that bag would have knocked me right off that box if I didn’t pay attention.”

By the time she was finished recounting this insight into her youth her speed had picked up to such an extent that the bag was a mere blur as she worked it easily with her fists barely moving. It was truly mesmerizing to watch and Jamie mused that she could stand here all day and just watch Ryan flail away. But after a few minutes she slowed and eventually stopped the bag by grabbing it with both hands. “Look like fun?” she asked with a twinkle in her eyes.

“Yeah, when you do it,” she said with a laugh. “Why doesn’t anybody ever use this stuff?”

“Well, it is a lot harder than it looks and most women don’t grow up around the stuff so they don’t know where to start. But I’d love to show you how if you want. It would be good for your upper body.”

“Let’s stick with the machines for awhile, Pal. I don’t want to bite off more than I can chew.” She regarded her friend for a moment and asked, “Do you have another shirt? That one’s a mess.”

“Good point,” she agreed as she plucked at the limp garment. “I think I can grab another from the office. Be right back.”

A few minutes later she trotted back over in a much too small shirt. Jamie guessed that she normally wore an extra large and this one could not have been more than a medium. But she didn’t have any complaints and neither did the two women on the stair climbers who followed Ryan’s progress across the gym. “The only one they had was from someone who quit earlier this year,” she said with a scowl. “She must have been a 9 year old.”

“You look fine,” Jamie assured her. “Now let’s get busy, Coach. I’ve got my work cut out for me if I’m going to keep up with you!”

After their very strenuous workout Jamie asked, “Do you have time for dinner? I could whip something up?”

Ryan appeared to consider the offer for a moment, but finally said, “I’d love to, Jamie, but I can’t squeeze it in. My father made a brown bag dinner for me, so I’m just gonna go study.”

“That’s okay,” Jamie said, trying not to sound like she cared. In truth, she cared a great deal. As much as she enjoyed the workouts she equally enjoyed the post shower massage and the praise. But she didn’t feel comfortable admitting how much that special time meant to her so she tried to appear casual.

Ryan caught the small look of disappointment in her face. “If you need some company tonight, I’ll make time for you,” she said kindly.

Jamie felt a little busted, and tried to cover it up with a careless reply. “No, I should study too, I’m just looking for a reason not to.”

“If you’re sure, Jamie,” Ryan said with an intense gaze as she squatted down a bit to make eye contact.

“Positive,” she replied, immensely glad that Ryan cared enough to meet her needs.

***

4 hours later Jamie was hard at work on a short paper for ‘The Lesbian Experience’ when she realized that she did not have an important book. Darn, I must have left it at Jack’s. The paper wasn’t due until Friday, but she had plans to study for a ‘Romantic Poets’ class the next day. This was really the best night to write the paper, but it was 9 o’clock and she wasn’t sure where to buy the book. She called around and found that ‘Daughters of Sappho’ had the only copy in the area so she hopped in the Porsche and drove to Oakland.

As she circled the block, looking for parking, she noticed an unmistakable vehicle. A turquoise and cream Harley. Hmmm, what’s she doing here, ‘Little Miss I Have To Study’? She was a trifle annoyed when she entered the bookstore side of the store. She looked around furtively but didn’t see Ryan anywhere. Well I guess there could be two women who ride that Harley. That is within the realm of possibilities. She found her book, stopped at the counter to pay for it and was getting ready to leave when she paused to take a quick look around the coffeehouse.

The room was quite a bit darker than the last time she had visited. A woman was on the small stage singing some contemporary ballads in an adequate fashion. Jamie scanned the crowd in the dim light and noticed that only 3 of the small tables were occupied—none of them by Ryan. As she turned her head slowly, trying to adjust for the differences in brightness between the two rooms she caught what looked like a familiar form in the farthest corner of the establishment. Two women occupied a small loveseat in the very dark corner. You couldn’t really say they were sitting, because neither of them was upright. An attractive black woman with very close cropped hair was half reclining on the loveseat and Ryan was practically lying on top of her.

Jamie stood slack jawed in the bright light of the bookstore, staring in shock at the pair. Ryan was kissing the woman deeply and moving gently against her whole body as she did so. Jamie did not think she had ever seen anything that was more erotic but every fiber of her being wanted to run out of the store and never think about the sight again. She watched as Ryan gripped the woman’s face and kissed her even more passionately. She was completely unable to move but equally unable to stop watching.

Ryan began to sit up and the woman came right with her, latched on to her mouth like an eel. When they were both upright Ryan put one arm around her shoulders and another under her knees and pulled the woman onto her lap. Jamie saw those strong tanned hands begin to caress the woman all over her body. She knew she would faint if she did not look away, but she felt rooted in place. She watched as Ryan’s hands again moved to either side of the woman’s head and held her still as she began another round of deep kisses. Jamie saw tongues passing between mouths as they drew back an inch or two and then fell right back into each other. The woman’s hands slowly slid up Ryan’s torso and Jamie had to grasp for something to steady herself as she saw one small dark hand firmly grasp Ryan’s left breast and begin to knead it. Ryan’s head rose slowly and dropped back against her shoulders as a look of absolute pleasure crossed her beautiful face.

As the book slid from her now nerveless fingers Jamie heard a voice ask, “How ya doing kid?” The question, which came from directly behind her right shoulder, nearly caused her to scream. She used all of her composure to focus her attention in the direction of the voice. Babs, the owner of the shop, and Ryan’s friend, looked at her in sympathy. “Don’t be mad at her, hon,” she said. “Ryan’s not a bad kid, but she just can’t get tied down to any one woman. She’s just not the type.”

“What?” Jamie looked at her in total confusion. “Why would I be m…? What?” Never in her 20 years had she felt so completely inarticulate.

“It’s okay, kid. You aren’t the first and you won’t be the last. Don’t let it get to ya.”

“B..b..but, we’re not…she isn’t…I’M NOT…I didn’t…” Jamie truly wanted to sink to the floor and cry. She was so frustrated with her inability to form a coherent sentence and her chaotic feelings about Ryan that she was truly at a loss.

“All I’m saying is that there are plenty of women who would love to date a good lookin’ girl like you. And most of them wouldn’t give you up so easy as Ryan did,” at this she patted Jamie on the back and walked back in to the coffeehouse.

Jamie was even more stunned now. As if in a trance her eyes traveled on their own accord back to the dark corner. She watched as Ryan and her date disentangled themselves from each other and stood on wobbly legs. The woman had her arm wrapped around Ryan’s waist and Ryan’s arm was draped across her shoulders. Their heads were very close together as they stumbled out into the darkness.

In order to give herself time to collect her feelings Jamie picked up her book and sat down at one of the small tables. She sat motionless and dazed for at least 15 minutes with her mind a complete jumble. She was angry, puzzled and curious and although she hated to admit it…totally aroused.

Finally, she felt as though she had enough control to drive. She walked outside and was very surprised to see the Harley still in its space. She made her way around the corner and saw Ryan and the woman leaning up against a car, continuing what they had been doing in the coffeehouse. The problem was that the car was right in front of Jamie’s.

Now Jamie was able to sort out her feelings—she was angry! I want to leave for god’s sake! And I don’t want her to see me.

Her quandary was solved a moment later when the woman opened the rear door, crouched down and slid across the seat. Ryan dove in and obviously landed right on top of her. Their heads immediately dropped below the windows and Jamie felt like she could leave and not be seen.

She ran to her car and got in quickly. After a moment of fumbling with her keys she started the engine and roared off as fast as her little German wheels would take her.

Once at home, and safe in her room, she let her mind ruminate. It’s not like I didn’t know she was with a lot of women. It’s just that actually seeing her with a woman was such a shock. But why did I feel so turned on? She pondered that question for long minutes. It must just be the shock and the thrill of seeing someone do something that is kind of forbidden. I would probably get turned on from watching Mia and her boyfriend really go at it, too. She could feel her body flush as she considered just how passionate Ryan had looked with her date. God, she sure was going at it. She looked so powerful and strong. Her hands just possessed that woman. She kissed her with a fierceness that I have never felt. She just looked so intense. God, I wonder what they’re doing now? Her mind only paused a second before it delivered the obvious message. What do you think Jamie? They’re having hot sex in the back seat of that car! Oh god, why didn’t I take abnormal psychology like everybody else?

***

Jamie decided that speaking to Ryan about seeing her at the coffeehouse would serve no useful purpose. They did not speak on Thursday but after class on Friday they stopped for their customary juice break. Jamie was amused to see Ryan pull a brown bag from her book bag and begin to eat her snack.

“Um, Ryan?” she began.

“Mmrmfh?”

“Why are you eating cold dry pancakes?”

“They’re cold because they were made last night, and I don’t have access to a microwave. They’re dry because syrup doesn’t travel well.” After delivering her logical answer she gazed at Jamie with an open, placid look on her face. This was one of Ryan’s idiosyncrasies that Jamie both loved and hated. She invariably answered your question…she just answered it exactly as it was asked. The thought passed through Jamie’s mind that everyone she knew thought like a lawyer.

“You know that’s not my real question,” Jamie said as she gave her arm a little slap.

“Okay, I’ll confess. I didn’t call home by 3 p.m. to tell my father that I wouldn’t be home for dinner. This,” she said as she shook a dry cold pancake, “is my punishment.”

“Um, I guess that clears it up,” she replied with a confused look.

“Okay, my father expects each of us to be home for dinner at 6 p.m. sharp. It’s no big deal if we can’t make it. But if you don’t opt out by 3 p.m. he cooks for you. If he cooks for you, you damn well better eat it. So whatever you didn’t eat for dinner, you get for lunch the next day.”

“But you don’t have to eat it, Ryan,” Jamie laughed.

“Yes I do,” Ryan intoned seriously. “It’s important to my father.”

“What do you mean?” she asked completely unable to understand how eating cold pancakes could be important to anyone.

“When my mother died he did his best to keep us functioning as a real family. Having meals together is a big part of what makes that work. When I break one of the family rules there should be a price to pay. It’s all about respect.” Her deep blue eyes were serious as she gazed steadily at Jamie.

“I would love to meet the man that you love and respect so much, Ryan,” Jamie said as she covered Ryan’s hand with one of her own.

Ryan blushed just a little and gave Jamie a big smile. “Why don’t you come for Sunday dinner and meet everyone?”

“I would love to,” Jamie replied enthusiastically.

“Sunday at 3 p.m. Don’t be late,” she threatened ominously as she gave her cold pancake another shake right in Jamie’s face.

***

Jamie left Palo Alto extra early to insure that she would be on time for Sunday dinner. She followed Ryan’s neatly written directions as she moved along the 101 and as she exited at Cesar Chavez Blvd. She mused to herself that she had never been in this section of the city. She often took the 101, but usually only to see her grandfather up near Nob Hill. As she drove along Chavez it became clear why she had never been to this neighborhood. Her family was interested in high culture, fine restaurants and major sporting events. This modest neighborhood looked like a fine place to get a good Nicaraguan meal, but that was about it. The neighborhood wasn’t terribly run down but it strongly reflected the culture of its recent immigrants from Central America. Is this Ryan’s neighborhood? she mused thoughtfully. I know she doesn’t have much family money but this seems awfully modest.

After a couple of miles she crossed Dolores, a broad, divided street with a large greensward down the center. At that imaginary dividing line the neighborhood began to change dramatically. The houses were very neatly tended and the shops looked decidedly more upscale. This is really cute, she mused as she regarded the plethora of small 2 and 3 story Victorians that graced every block.

She arrived at the stated address at 2:40. She found a parking space rather easily and walked up to the neat little Victorian. She heard music playing from the attached garage and decided to check there before climbing the exterior staircase to approach the front door. Two dark figures were lying on the floor flanking a turquoise and cream Harley as she approached.

Walking into the garage she tentatively asked, “Ryan?” still not positive that one of the figures was her friend.

“Hey, Jamie,” replied her friendly voice. “Did you bring your overalls?” Ryan scooted out from beneath the bike and rose to her full 6 ft. plus height. She wore her black hair in a neat braid that stuck out from beneath the bill of her backwards red baseball cap. A tight white ribbed tank top showed every one of the many assets of her torso. Very old, very faded 501’s covered her long legs. The jeans bore large rips at each knee and small ones beneath the soft curves of her butt. As she stood Jamie could make out gray underwear through the rear rips that seemed to extend well past the norm. What does she have on under those jeans?” she mused. Does she wear boxers? Big brown lineman’s boots covered her feet.

Jamie could almost feel her chin hit her chest when the next figure stood. She was fairly certain that Ryan did not have a twin. But the tall man who now stood beside Ryan was clearly a testosterone laden clone. Looking at them together Jamie marveled at the likeness. But where Ryan had smooth curves, the man had tight muscle. He was at least 5 or 6 inches taller and a lot broader in the shoulders, but his hips were narrow. He did not have an ounce of fat anywhere it did not belong. His hair was identical in color and texture, but he wore it short around the side of his head and a little long on top. His eyes were the same deep blue and they had the same intensity as Ryan’s. But Jamie quickly noticed that they lacked the gentleness that Ryan’s often bore. His gaze seemed intimidating, almost predatory, while Ryan’s usually seemed open and interested. He was dressed in a similar manner, but his T-shirt covered his shoulders and his jeans had fewer holes.

Ryan looked bemused at the expression on Jamie’s face. “Kinda creepy, huh?” she teased.

“Wha…Oh…yeah,” she admitted. “You aren’t twins, are you?”

The man was busy wiping his hands on a towel. As he finished he extended his right one in greeting. “She should be so lucky to share my chromosomes,” he said with bravado.

Jamie laughed as Ryan punched him rather hard in his bicep. “This is my sweet, charming brother Conor. Conor, this is my friend, Jamie.”

“I’m pleased to meet you, Conor,” Jamie finally got out, aware that she was still staring, but unable to stop.

“It’s only gonna get worse, Jamie. Prepare yourself,” Ryan warned.

The grungy siblings spent a few moments putting away their tools and neatening up the work area. Jamie watched them work, still unable to get over the astounding similarity. After they had finished they all exited the front of the garage and hung a left to walk up the narrow staircase that led to the front entrance. When they reached the landing she noticed a very nice flower rimmed deck that obviously covered the two garages. “Nice,” she said appreciatively, taking in the neat space.

“Yeah,” Ryan agreed. “We’ve got the only deck on the whole block. Actually, one of the few in the whole neighborhood. It’s a great place to sit out and get a fog tan,” she chuckled, acknowledging the few clear days that The City was blessed with. Giving a quick glance at the surrounding houses she noticed that they were all of a similar type. They were all quite narrow and spaced very closely together; actually most of them seemed to touch each other on both sides.

Conor held the door for her and she stepped in before the siblings. “Your home is charming, Ryan,” she enthused. As Jamie looked around she thought to herself that part of the charm was the near Lilliputian size of the rooms. The house was only two rooms wide and two rooms long. The small entryway led to an equally small but attractive living room. The living room opened into a formal dining room that was identical in size to the living room. The living room held two love seats and a comfortable looking leather wing back chair. A full sized sofa would never have fit, and the room was a little cramped with the current seating arrangement. There was a small fireplace topped by a mantel that was filled with pictures of the family. Small leaded glass windows bracketed the fireplace. Additional photos and diplomas lined the walls under the windows. The wall to the left of the fireplace held a floor to ceiling bookcase that was lined with books and more photos. The opposite wall revealed a door but Jamie couldn’t figure out what room would open off the front of the living room.

As she looked around she noticed that the most attractive part of the room was all of the exquisitely detailed woodwork. The ceiling was bordered by a deep crown molding with a wide picture molding right underneath. Each window and door was trimmed out, as was the fireplace. Jamie guessed that the home was 60 or 70 years old, really too new to have all of the millwork be original. “I love all of the moldings in here,” she said to Ryan.

Conor gave her a big grin as he offered a slight bow. “Thank you, Jamie,” he said.

Ryan explained, “Conor’s a finish carpenter. After he got out of trade school he used the house as his little project. We’ve got every kind of molding and trim that you can imagine.”

She ran her hand over the elaborate woodwork of the mantel. “You certainly do nice work, Conor,” she said appreciatively.

“Don’t encourage him too much,” Ryan warned. “He’ll pull out his pictures and monopolize you all night!”

“Some people are interested in craftsmanship,” he sniffed. “Jamie certainly seems to be able to recognize quality.”

“My mother’s very much into home decorating,” Jamie explained. “We did a major remodel a couple of years ago and we had a lot of trim installed, so I learned a ton about your craft, Conor.”

The cozy dining room held a very large oak table, rectangular in shape. It had room for 10, but only 6 places were set today. As Jamie finished surveying the room she was greeted by yet another of Ryan’s clones. This one looked a bit older and while he was also well built he did not leave the impression of raw power waiting to burst out of his skin that his siblings had. “Oh, Brendan, when did you show up?” Ryan asked as she crossed the room to give him a big hug and a kiss on the cheek.

“I came over about a half hour ago, but I’ve got good clothes on and I wasn’t going to let you grease monkeys talk me into ruining another pair of pants,” he replied sagely.

“Brendan, this is my friend, Jamie,” Ryan again began the introductions, and was forced to add another, “and this is Rory,” she said to Jamie as the last brother entered.

Well at least he’s not a clone, too, Jamie thought. Rory was shorter than Ryan by 2 or 3 inches. His hair was also lighter, and Jamie guessed that it would be a deep red in the sunlight. His eyes were a soft green and they twinkled when he smiled. His skin was fairer than his siblings, but his features were quite similar.

“I’m pleased to meet you both,” Jamie said as she shook hands with each in turn.

A voice rang out from the kitchen, “Dinner will be served in exactly 1/2 hour. Anyone with a spot of grease on them will not be served.”

Conor and Ryan stole guilty glances at each other. “Flip you for the shower,” Ryan said. She produced a dime from her jeans, but Conor lucked out. “Please leave some hot water for me, Conor,” she begged.

“What’s it worth to ya?” he inquired.

“Well, it’s you who has the most to gain since I sit next to you at the table,” she reasoned.

“Good point, Stinky,” he relented, “I’ll hurry.”

The voice boomed from the kitchen yet again. “Shi’ vawn,” it appeared to say, “Use some manners and bring your guest in here.”

“Shi’ vawn?” Jamie mouthed to her friend.

Ryan looked a little sheepish. “It’s my real name,” she admitted. “I changed it long ago, but my father doesn’t acknowledge it.”

They walked through the dining room and turned right into a very large kitchen. The room was rectangular in shape and ran about 15 feet to a screened door at the rear. It was only about 10 feet in width, but the high ceilings and bright tile made it look much bigger. The kitchen was not what Jamie was mesmerized by however, that distinction fell to the older male clone stirring a pot on the stove.

Gee, I guess they’re not adopted, thought Jamie. Martin O’Flaherty was clearly the original from whom the little O’Flaherty copies sprang. He was a good 4 inches taller than Ryan, with a bit of gray at the temples. His physique matched that of Brendan and from a distance he could have been 30 years old. But up close his face had the small lines and weathered skin that befitted a man who worked at a dangerous profession. His eyes, however, were exact copies of Ryan’s, deep blue, warm and friendly.

“Da, this is my friend, Jamie,” Ryan again made the introduction.

“Ahh, Jamie,” he said warmly with a more than a hint of an Irish accent. “Shi’ vawn speaks of you well and often. I’m very pleased to make your acquaintance, but I wish it had been weeks earlier,” he said as he shot a glare at his smirking daughter.

“If she speaks half as well of me as she does of you Mr. O’Flaherty, then I’m a lucky woman,” Jamie replied with a twinkle.

“Shi’ vawn are you certain this little one is not from the old sod?” he said with a laugh. “She seems to have kissed the Blarney Stone rather recently. But there is no Mr. O’Flaherty here darlin’. You may call me Martin or Marty, whichever you choose.”

“What do you prefer?” she inquired.

“Pay attention, Shi’ vawn,” he said with a grin identical to the one Jamie had seen hundreds of times on her friend. “This one’s got manners.” He turned to Jamie and looked a bit pensive as he finally said, “I suppose I prefer Martin. It’s the name my parents gave me and I can’t think of a reason to change it.” This last was directed at a bemused looking Ryan. “Another lesson you could take from this one is how to dress for dinner,” he said as he regarded Jamie’s outfit. She wore a forest green cashmere crew neck sweater and a pair of wide wale corduroy slacks in a soft buttery cream color. Shiny brown faux alligator loafers completed the outfit.

“I’ll try, Da,” Ryan agreed. “But I don’t think even Jamie could do much for my sense of style.” She cocked her head in concentration. “I think Conor’s out of the shower. Wanna come to my room to give me some pointers, Jamie?”

“Sure, Ryan,” she replied a little hesitantly. Even though she was very interested in seeing what was under those jeans, she knew it was not the wisest course of action. But she put her cautions to the side and followed right on Ryan’s heels. They walked back to the small entryway and opened a door that Jamie had not noticed. As they descended a low staircase Ryan was forced to duck her head severely. It seemed to Jamie that they were in a room that would be located right behind the garages. The room was surprisingly bright as it was above ground even though she supposed it was technically in the basement. A large casement double hung window loomed over the bed and faced the small neat backyard. Jamie could see a large black dog looking through the window with a quizzical look on its face.

“Hi Duffy,” Ryan said as she sat on her large bed and opened the window. “Duff, this is Jamie,” she said as she pointed at her amused friend. “She’s my very good friend, and I want you to greet her gently.” The dog cocked his big black head and gave her a stern expression that seemed to imply agreement. “We’ll be out soon, so you go practice,” she said as she closed the window and the dog trotted away.

“He’s awfully cute, Ryan,” Jamie said. “What kind of dog is he?”

“He’s half black lab and half standard poodle. I got him from a client 3 years ago. Best tip I ever got,” she said proudly.

Ryan rose from the bed and crossed the room to a well built set of drawers and doors that lined the entire side wall of her room. She began to open the doors and look at her wardrobe. Jamie walked up next to her and marveled at the way everything was organized. Each drawer was labeled neatly. Tshirts L/S; Tshirts S/S; Tshirts N/S; Sweats; Socks; U/W etc.

“Got enough Tshirts?” Jamie asked casually as she opened the N/S drawer to confirm that indeed the shirts stored inside did not in fact have sleeves.

“Hey, I’m a dyke,” she said defensively. “Tshirts are part of the uniform.”

“Do you need help Shi’ vawn?” Jamie asked innocently as her friend seemed at a loss.

“Don’t start,” she warned with a smile.

“God, Ryan, I think I know you so well, but I don’t even know your real name.”

“I haven’t used that name since I was seven,” Ryan replied. “Only Da and my grandparents use it, the boys even stopped when I beat them up,” she admitted. “And you do know me, Jamie,” she said sincerely. “You know me very well. I wouldn’t have invited you here otherwise.”

Jamie remembered that Ryan’s mother had died when she was seven. Thinking there might be a connection she chose not to pursue the matter. “I’m sure I know all the important parts,” she admitted. “Besides, a touch of mystery becomes you.”

Ryan laughed and resumed her task. “My big problem is that I don’t have any nice pants,” she moaned. “Every time I decide to buy something nice I find some new bike pants or a new warm up suit that I know I’ll wear ten times more often and I buy that instead.”

She pulled out a perfectly acceptable pair of navy blue wool slacks and a cream colored cable knit sweater. She laid her selections out on the bed and sat down to unlace her boots. Jamie chickened out as she considered watching her undress, so she knew she had better get out now. “I think I’ll offer to help your father while you get ready,” she offered.

“He won’t let you help, but he’d appreciate the offer,” Ryan predicted.

As she turned to leave she remembered something that had puzzled her. “Why do you call him ‘Da’?”

“It’s the Irish equivalent of Dad. Many kids call their parents Ma and Da rather than Mom and Dad.”

“It’s kind of cute,” Jamie offered as she began to walk up the stairs.

***

As Ryan predicted, Jamie’s offer to help was rebuffed by Martin. “You go play with the children,” he said as he directed her to the now open door off the living room. The relatively big bedroom facing the street was filled by a king sized bed, a well worn upholstered chair and 3 men lounging in various positions as they watched the 49’ers battle the St. Louis Rams from a TV set located in another lovely built-in cabinet lining the wall.

Jamie sat on the floor after refusing the offer of the chair. She quickly joined in the discussion of the 9ers lack of a good tight end. “Tom Rathman and Brent Jones made them click,” she added knowledgeably. Ryan joined them, freshly scrubbed and shockingly beautiful in her dress up clothes, as half time was just beginning. She sat next to Jamie on the floor and watched a little challenge that Conor had obviously just made with Jamie. They were each putting $5 up and Rory was acting as judge. Jamie scrunched her face up, deep in thought. “Well, there has to be an ‘S’, she said, “and an ‘H’?” she asked hopefully.

“Two for two!” said Rory.

“How about an ‘A’?”

“Three for three!”

“A ‘W’?”

“Nope, one wrong,” he replied.

“S-I-O-B-H-A-N,” Ryan enunciated as she handed each contestant back their $5.

“No fair, Ryan,” said Conor, a little perturbed.

“I don’t like people to play games with the spelling of my name,” she said seriously. “It bothers me,” she said softly as she looked at the floor.

“I’m sorry, Ryan,” Conor said quickly as he rose from the bed and squatted down to give her a little kiss. “I wouldn’t have done it if I knew it would bother you.”

“Well,” she admitted, “It doesn’t bother me much, but it did get you off the bed and into my evil hands,” she laughed gleefully as she began to tickle his sides unmercifully. He quickly lost his ability to remain upright but she stuck right with him, as he rolled around on the floor.

“Please, please, no more, I can’t take it,” he pleaded as he giggled hysterically. “You win, you win!”

“I always win,” she said proudly as she helped him straighten up. “I’m the little sister.”

“Just our luck boys,” he addressed his laughing brothers. “To have a little sister that can kick all of our butts.”

The game began again just as Martin called them all to dinner. Brendan rose and hit the record button on the VCR, and they all walked into the dining room without a word of complaint.

Jamie could not remember ever having a better time at the dinner table. Meals at her home were always pleasant enough, but there was never much spark. When she and her mother ate alone, they often went out to dinner and the conversation revolved around her mother’s interests; clothes, travel, art and her many social obligations. When her father was at home for a meal they usually talked about his work or his latest case or politics.

The O’Flaherty clan however, spent their mealtimes in a boisterous game of one-upmanship: funny stories, jokes and constant teasing. Jamie was pleased that they seemed to welcome her into the group seamlessly. They teased her unmercifully but gently, but she noticed that they did the same to each other. By the end of the meal Jamie had formed some tentative impressions of each of the O’Flaherty men.

Martin was clearly in charge. All of the children seemed to respect and admire him, but she did not detect even a glimmer of fear. When he told one of them to stop a tease that was becoming too sharp, they did so immediately. He had quite a flair for storytelling and Jamie noticed that each of the kids listened to him raptly even though she imagined they had heard his stories many times. The number of repetitions was obvious when he finished one, and all of the children complained that he had changed the ending. “How else can I keep the lot of you on your toes?” he explained with a laugh.

Brendan was the most serious of the group. He was a lawyer with a small public interest law firm, working to secure the rights of people with disabilities. The other boys and Ryan looked to him as a bit of an arbiter also. He was quite adept at keeping the rest of them in line, with his wit and easy laughter, but his teasing was very gentle and sweet.

Conor was clearly the troublemaker of the boys. He seemed to love to get under everyone else’s skin. Jamie could just imagine the practical jokes he must play on the others. She wasn’t surprised when Martin told of the number of times he had to leave work to bail Conor out of the principal’s office when he was young.

Conor worked as a carpenter, a trade that he loved and was obviously very good at. He had built Ryan’s wall-to-wall closet and Martin’s bookcase and the work was immaculate. He worked for a firm that did renovation work in the City, and he took obvious pride in talking about the historically accurate work his firm did on the City’s many Victorian homes.

Rory was very boyish and a little shy. He was a musician and played in a band that often performed at various pubs and clubs in the City. Ryan explained that his group played primarily traditional Irish music. Jamie wasn’t sure what that meant, but she hoped to find out. He traveled quite a bit when his band toured with bigger name acts, but he was at home for several months this winter, playing around the City. He would occasionally lapse into a soft Irish brogue that one of the others would call him on. Ryan explained that he spent most of the summer in Ireland every year, playing all over the country. Ryan seemed particularly fond of Rory, and she boasted to Jamie about his considerable talents as a musician. He just blushed and shook his head at the compliments, but it was clear that he appreciated them.

When dinner was ended Jamie was amazed at what happened next. With nary a word from Martin, or to each other, each child got up and began to perform a particular task.

Brendan went into the kitchen, rolled up his sleeves and put on an apron. He began to run water in the big double sink as he cleared off the surrounding counters. Conor began to clear the table in a quick but efficient manner. Rory joined Brendan and prepared to dry the dishes. Ryan was in charge of removing and folding the linen tablecloth and napkins. Jamie offered to help, but Ryan refused her offer saying, “Once we get going you could get hurt if you tried to step in.”

Conor moved to Rory’s right and began to place each washed and dried item in its’ proper home. Ryan grabbed a broom and began to sweep the entire dining room floor. She had to shoo Martin and Jamie away from the table in order to place the chairs upside down by their seats on the wooden surface. Jamie moved to the doorway of the kitchen to watch the precision event unfold.

Brendan was finished washing by now and he moved to wash each counter in the kitchen with a mild bleach solution that he had prepared in the sink. Rory and Conor finished up and moved back into the dining room to set the table for the next meal. They used a pretty everyday tablecloth and some ironstone dishes, setting the table for 5. Brendan cleaned the tops and fronts of all of the appliances while Ryan swept the kitchen. After she had finished she got out a mop and bucket and mopped the entire room. She backed out of the room toward the screened in porch and disappeared, reemerging a few minutes later, via the front door, accompanied by Duffy.

Duffy tried his best, but gentle was not the term best used for his initial greeting of Jamie. He placed his big black paws on her waist and whimpered until she lowered her face enough to be thoroughly licked. “I guess I should have asked if you like dogs,” Ryan drawled.

“Lucky for you, I love them,” Jamie enthused. Her family had never had any pets but she had always wanted a dog. Her grandfather had a cute little long haired Chihuahua when she was young but he had not replaced him when the elderly dog passed away.

Duffy however, was a real dog. He went to each of the brothers in turn and licked each face. Martin made a show of disliking the attention, but he giggled as Duffy worked away despite his complaints.

As Ryan sat down on a love seat Duffy climbed right up next to her and dropped his head in her lap. “Duffy, we have company,” she rebuked him. “You know there are only enough seats for the humans.”

He looked up at her with plaintive, sad eyes, begging for a reprieve. He was rescued by Brendan who reminded everyone that the game was probably over. When the door to the bedroom opened Duffy bounded off the couch and headed right for the middle of the bed. Brendan checked the TV to make sure the game was over, and when everyone else was assured they would not inadvertently hear the score they all entered the room.

Jamie was surprised to see Ryan, Duffy, Conor and Rory all fit on the bed. Ryan had dashed downstairs to put on a pair of jeans and a navy blue hooded ‘Cal’ sweatshirt, and Duffy cuddled next to her from her horizontal position at the foot of the bed. Conor and Rory each sat against the headboard, easily able to see over Ryan and Duffy’s dark heads. Brendan brought in a dining room chair for himself alone after Jamie refused his offer to bring one for her. She sat on the floor at the foot of the bed, close to Ryan’s head. Martin sat in his well-used upholstered chair, and began to act as though he was reading the newspaper.

The game was a close one, way too close for the assembled 9ers fans. Everyone complained and cajoled the team to improve their execution. Every mouth however, dropped open in shock when Jamie shouted in frustration, “Oh please! My grandmother could have read that blitzing linebacker. Hit the slot, Steve, hit the slot!”

After a moments pause she realized that all eyes were on her. “Um, I watch a lot of football,” she admitted with a small blush.

“How much is a lot?” Ryan inquired once she had put her eyes back in her head.

“Well, I’ve gone to every Stanford home game since I was born, and we go to almost every 9ers game,” she admitted shyly.

“You’ve got tickets?” Conor and Rory shouted at once.

“Yeah, um, my father’s firm has tickets.”

“What’s your fathers’ firm?” asked Brendan.

“Morris and Foster,” she said quietly.

“Oh,” was all he said.

No one else seemed interested in talking about law firms after Young threw a perfect spiral to Hearst to cap a beautiful game ending 45 yard scoring drive.

They chatted about the game for a few more minutes until Brendan excused himself to go home and get caught up on some work. Ryan caught Jamie’s eye and indicated that she wanted to go downstairs. Jamie got up and followed her out the door and down the stairs.

“So, what do you think?” Ryan asked as she flopped down on her big bed. Jamie sat on Ryan’s desk chair, pulling it next to the bed and putting her stockinged feet up on the comforter.

“About what?” she asked innocently.

“You know what—what did you think of my family?” Ryan stated the obvious.

Jamie gave her a big smile as she admitted, “I don’t remember when I’ve met a nicer group of people.”

“You must not get out much,” Ryan drawled, but she was obviously pleased by the compliment.

“I get out plenty, Ryan, and believe me, you are one lucky woman. Your brothers clearly adore you and your father’s face lights up every time he looks at you.”

Ryan gazed at her in contemplative silence for a few minutes. “I really do know how lucky I am Jamie,” she said softly. “I spent a couple of years feeling sorry for myself during puberty. I missed my mother so much and it was just hard going through that with a bunch of clueless men. But once I got a little older and saw how few people share the love we have for each other…” she let out a sigh, “I thank God every day for all that I have”.

“Do you really?” Jamie asked, interested in this new facet of her friend. “You’ve never talked about your spirituality.”

“Yeah, I really do,” Ryan admitted. She looked a little bashful, but continued tentatively, “I wanna tell you something that I’ve only told Da.” She locked her clear eyes on Jamie, obviously waiting for permission.

Jamie returned her look and gave her a little encouraging smile, “Please do.”

Ryan cleared her throat a little nervously as she began. “As I’ve told you before, my mother died when I was seven. I was just starting first grade when it happened and we were beginning instruction to receive religious instruction. The nuns told us about letting Jesus in to our hearts and all of the standard religious stuff they think 7 year olds can comprehend. But what struck me the most was when they talked about the Virgin Mary. Sister Kevin explained that we could talk to Jesus directly, but we could also get a message to him via his mother. She said that Mary would always watch over us just like our own mothers would.” Ryan looked down at her folded hands and wiped a tear from her eye. Jamie took this opportunity to get up and sit down right next to her, reassuring her by her presence.

“I figured that since my mother was already with God, I didn’t have to go through the Virgin Mary, I had an insider to listen to my prayers and direct them to the proper party.” Here, she laughed a little at the memory of her childish self. “So from then on I prayed to my mother instead of to God or Jesus. I knew that no one would ever care more for me than she did, and I knew she would always be there to watch over me. I still do that every night,” she admitted with a catch in her voice as the tears began to flow in earnest. Jamie scooted even closer and wrapped her arms tightly around Ryan’s sobbing shoulders.

“Shhh, shhh, “Jamie cooed into her ear as she rocked her gently and caressed her head.

They sat like that for a few long minutes, Ryan seemingly at ease revealing herself so totally; Jamie touched beyond words at the trust that Ryan showed by her actions. After a bit Ryan leaned away to grope for a box of Kleenex on her bedside table. She took several for herself and wiped her eyes and blew her nose. She watched as Jamie did the same, clearly having been moved by the story.

“Does it bother you to talk about her, Ryan?” she finally asked.

“No, not with you or my family,” Ryan replied. “I miss her more than I can express in words, but she loved me so well that I can still feel her love. Of course I would give anything to have her back, but I had her so totally when she was alive, that I am forever grateful for the short time we had together. I really love talking about her with people who understand what she means to me. It makes her come alive for me again when I talk about her.”

Jamie was wonderfully pleased at this revelation of Ryan’s feelings for their friendship. She leaned over and gently kissed both of Ryan’s moist, pink cheeks. “I’m sure she would be proud of the woman that you have become, Ryan,” she said simply.

Ryan looked up at her with the most adorable little grin that Jamie had ever seen on a human being. Her eyes were a little hooded and she looked just a bit embarrassed as she said, “Thanks Jamie, that means a lot, coming from you.”

After they sat in companionable silence for a few more minutes, Jamie got up from the bed and walked around the room, examining it closely. The room looked very much like Ryan. Clean, neat, organized and fairly utilitarian, but with a little color here and there. A large built-in bookshelf covered the wall opposite the closet and it was filled with science texts, magazines, awards, trophies for various sports and photos. Jamie was struck by one such photo and after staring at it for a few moments she turned back to Ryan with tears in her eyes again. “You knew, didn’t you?” she inquired plainly. Ryan rose and came to stand next to her. She put an arm around Jamie’s shoulders and looked at the very familiar picture.

The 3x5 color photo in the simple frame showed a very ill woman holding a small, very melancholy child. Ryan’s big blue eyes stared up at the camera and revealed all of her fears. The woman, whom Jamie guessed was quite beautiful before her illness ravaged her, also stared directly into the lens. She had a stoic, calm look in her green eyes and it was clear that she still possessed a fiery spirit. Little Ryan was holding on to her tightly, her small arms wrapped around the frail waist. Ryan’s head was resting on a bony shoulder and a painfully thin hand held the back of her small head.

“Yes, I knew how sick she was. This was my 7th birthday,” she said wistfully. “I didn’t understand what death was but I knew that she was going to leave soon, and I knew she wasn’t coming back. She died about a month after this picture was taken,” she said with a flat voice.

“Oh, Ryan, I’m so sorry you had to feel all of that pain,” Jamie said as she turned and was enveloped by Ryan’s strong arms.

“Everybody feels pain like that if they really love someone,” Ryan whispered. “No one gets out of here alive, you know,” she said into Jamie’s ear.

“I know, but you were such a baby, Ryan. Look at that precious little face,” she lamented as she looked at the photo again.

“I’m not saying that I didn’t have a difficult time, Jamie; I know I did. It was incredibly tough for a little girl not to have her mother. There were times that I felt so lost that I didn’t think I could survive. The pain was just so great. But I got through it and it made me stronger and it enhanced the connection that I have with my brothers and my father. That’s what I am the most grateful for. Death tears many families apart but it made ours much stronger.”

“You don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to, Ryan,” Jamie said as she pulled away from their embrace, “but why did you change your name?”

“As I’m sure you guessed, it was because of my mother. She loved the name Siobhan and Da said she was ready with the name for each of the 3 boys. I liked it too, mainly because it was different. I got through first grade okay because everybody was just getting used to each other, and having an odd name was hardly noticed. But right after I came back to school after my mother died a little boy started making fun of my name. We were just learning to spell using phonics and as you found out today, that’s one name where phonics doesn’t apply. The other kids kind of picked up on his teasing and I just flipped out. It was probably too soon for me to be back at school, but there I was, and I had kind of a little episode. In retrospect it must have been a panic attack. But from that day forward every time a person outside of my family called me Siobhan I flipped out and got hysterical. Nobody knew what to do with me. It was only a couple of weeks after my mother died and everybody in the family had their own issues they were trying to deal with. Luckily, Sister Kevin sat me down and asked me what I would rather be called. Most of my ideas were unacceptable. I was particularly fond of Tigger as I recall,” she said with a gentle laugh.

Jamie let out a little laugh of her own as she continued to look at the picture.

“Finally, and with a lot of prompting from Sister Kevin, we settled on Ryan. It was my middle name and my mother’s maiden name and Sister Kevin pointed out how that would keep her with me every time someone spoke my name. That was just about the only time that Da just wasn’t able to support me,” she admitted sadly. “He was really invested in the name since my mother had loved it so. But he didn’t put up too much of a fuss after Sister Kevin explained it all to him. The side benefit, of course, is that I don’t have to spell Siobhan several times a day,” she said with a little smile.

“Wow, Sister Kevin sounds like a neat lady,” Jamie said.

“Yeah, she really was. I lost touch with her when her order left our parish, but I still think of her often,” Ryan said.

“I do have one more question,” Jamie finally said. “That balletic performance of cleaning the kitchen was something to behold. How did that come about?”

“That’s another effect of my mother’s illness. When she was too ill to cook or do housework we were all assigned jobs. I was so little that I had to do the jobs closest to the floor. Brendan helped me with the moping for years, but I think it was important that they made me feel a part of it,” she smiled at the memory. “After my mother died, we just kept to the same tasks. Da transferred from active fire fighting and became a cook. He did it mostly because he just wasn’t willing to risk his life anymore. We couldn’t afford to lose him, too. He became a good cook and we just drifted into him doing all the cooking and us doing all the cleaning. It’s a little militaristic, but that’s how a firehouse is run.”

Jamie spent a few more minutes looking at the photos placed all over the room. She found one of Ryan’s mother when she was about Ryan’s age. “Wow, she was a great looking woman,” Jamie said.

Ryan grasped the picture in her hand and looked at it for a few moments. “Yeah, she was,” she said softly. “I used to wish I looked more like her. She was small and delicate, fair skinned, with auburn hair and vivid green eyes. She had a lovely soprano singing voice and just the gentlest touch you could imagine. When I was going through puberty I felt so big and awkward that I wished I had inherited her bone structure. But it all worked out in the end,” she admitted.

“Yeah,” Jamie agreed with a chuckle. “I don’t think you’d get much sympathy complaining about your looks, Ms. O’Flaherty.”

Ryan blushed deeply as she changed the subject quickly. “Let’s go see what the boys are doing,” she suggested. As they returned to the second floor Conor came out of the bedroom and asked with a hopeful grin, “Jamie, Ryan said you have a Boxster. Could I take a look at it?”

“Sure, Conor, you can drive it if you want.”

“Can I really?” he asked with delight. “I’ve never driven a Porsche. Cars are kind of my passion but I have to drive a truck for work,” he said sadly.

“Here’s the keys,” she replied as she tossed him the set.

“Aren’t you gonna go with me?” he asked as his baby blues lit up.

“I will if you want me to, but it’s okay if you want to go alone,” she replied.

“I don’t want to hurt anything. You can show me where all the buttons are,” he grinned.

As they began to make their way to the stairs Ryan grabbed Jamie’s arm and whispered, “Be careful. He thinks he’s God’s gift to women.”

Jamie wrinkled up her nose and whispered back, “And you don’t?”

***

Conor wore a look of childlike exuberance as they walked down the street to the waiting Porsche. “Thanks a lot for letting me do this, Jamie,” he said with a dazzling grin.

“It’s my pleasure,” Jamie replied. “If your love of cars is anything like your sisters, it would be a crime to deprive you of this experience,” she teased.

“I think I’ve got the car bug more than Ryan does,” he said reflectively. “But she’s got the motorcycle bug a lot worse than I do. We used to drive Da crazy. We were always in the garage working on some engine. I got my license when she was only 12, and from that time on you couldn’t keep the grease off of her.”

“So she gets it from you?”

“I guess she does. Neither Brendan nor Rory cares much about cars. Da just sees them as transportation. I think I got my license at a time when Ryan idolized me a little, and she took it up to be able to spend more time with me.”

“That’s so cute,” Jamie laughed. “But didn’t it bother you to have your little sister hanging around all the time?”

He looked at her quizzically as he opened the driver door. “Why would it bother me? You know Ryan. She was always pretty much like she is now. She never was a pest. She picked things up really quickly and was always eager to do the grunt work. She had a lot of patience for a little kid, and her small hands fit into a lot of spots that mine wouldn’t.”

Jamie was charmed by this open expression of affection. “You all seem so close, Conor. It’s really nice.”

“Yeah, we are. I guess we’re lucky that way, huh?”

He was now firmly ensconced in the driver’s seat, carefully noting all of the gauges and switches. He adjusted the side view mirrors and brought the engine to life. “Oh, this is sweet”, he said as he closed his eyes and let a satisfied smile cross his lips.

“Conor, that is exactly what Ryan looked like when she turned the car on!” Jamie said in amazement.

He looked at her with a leer. “I bet she didn’t punch it like this!” he said as he hit the accelerator hard and they lurched away from the curb.

***

Conor drove much faster than Jamie thought prudent. But the streets of the Noe Valley were deserted on this early Sunday evening, so she allowed him to conduct his test drive as he chose. She noted that he seemed much more aggressive than Ryan, and that he seemed to get some satisfaction from making her squeal as they crested a rise in a hill. I bet that’s not the only way he likes to make women squeal, she thought. He could certainly be a bad boy fantasy for a lot of women.

“Do you think I could drop the top?” he asked after they reached a more congested neighborhood.

“Sure, as long as you keep it under 40 or so. I’ll freeze if you go as fast as you have been,” she warned.

“Scout’s honor,” he promised as he raised 3 fingers in pledge.

They glided down Market for a while, Conor keeping his promise about the speed. They had crossed nearly the entire city when Conor noticed that Jamie looked a little cold. “How about a hot drink? There’s a Starbucks right up ahead.”

“I’d love a latte’, ” she admitted.

“Your wish is my command,” he said gallantly, as he found an on street parking spot. “Come on in with me. You can warm up a bit.”

“Okay, but I think I’ll call your house to tell them we’ll be gone awhile,” she said as she pulled her Startac from the glove box. “What’s the number?”

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a $20. “You go on in and order me a latte’ too. I’ll call and then put the top back up. Go get warm,” he said firmly.

As Jamie hopped out he dialed the little phone. Ryan answered on the first ring. “Hi Sis, it’s me.”

“Where are you?” she said crossly. “You’ve been gone over an hour.”

“You sound a bit possessive, Ryan. I thought this one was on my team,” he laughed.

“She is on your team, but she’s somebody else’s starting pitcher—so keep your mitts off her,” she warned.

“I have no intention of touching her…unless she asks me to of course. We’re going to stop for coffee to warm up a bit. We’ll be home soon. Don’t wait up if you get tired. I’ll make sure she’s well taken care of.”

“Conor, if you harm one hair on her head I’ll kick your butt all the way down Market Street,” she threatened.

“How can I hurt her getting a cup of coffee?” he asked innocently.

“Just bring her back in one piece…and still engaged!” she said as she hung up.

“Gotcha!” he crowed as he shut the phone off.

***

Jamie was sitting at a little table with two steaming cups of latte’ in front of her. Conor slid into a chair and accepted the mug with his thanks. “So Jamie,” he said as he gazed at her with those intent blue eyes, “Tell me about yourself.”

“What would you like to know?” she inquired, as she tried to avoid his penetrating gaze. Boy this guy could be trouble. He’s a real operator.

“Well, you know all about my family, tell me about yours.”

“I’m an only child. We live down in Hillsborough. My dad is an attorney and my mom stays at home. We don’t have a dog. There—now we’re even,” she teased.

“Gee, could you be a little more succinct? You were rambling so much I think I missed a lot.”

“I’m just teasing you. What do you really want to know?”

“What do you do for fun?”

“Do you mean when I’m alone or with my fiancé?” she asked innocently.

He gave her a charming smile as he drawled, “Oh yeah, Ryan mentioned something about a boyfriend. Isn’t he getting out of San Quentin soon?” he asked as he pursed his lips in thought.

“Something like that. He’s graduating from Stanford law school this year.”

“Right. I knew it had something to do with law…or prison,” he added as he looked a little confused.

“His name’s Jack and we’re getting married a year from June.”

“How old are you, if I can be indelicate?” he asked.

“I’m 20 now. I’ll be 22 when we get married,” she said.

“Isn’t that kind of young to be making permanent life choices?” he asked with a note of concern. Gosh, I’m 27 and I can hardly decide what to have for lunch. There are so many choices on the menu and they all look so good,” he drawled.

“Yeah, but when you find that perfect, one of a kind sandwich, you better order it before someone else does,” she replied, keeping up the analogy.

“With my luck, there would be some hidden ingredient that I was allergic to,” he laughed.

“Well, I’m really happy with what I’ve ordered,” she stated firmly.

“Well Lassie, if you ever get hungry for a little Irish fare,” he said with a heavy brogue, “don’t forget me.”

“Between you and your sister, no woman in San Francisco is safe,” she said as she laughed heartily.

“You’re telling me,” he agreed. “I’m just glad she’s a lesbian. If she were a guy, there wouldn’t be any straight women left unsullied.”

“Does her, um, sexual orientation bother you, Conor?”

“No, it really doesn’t. It was obvious from very early on that she was never going to be swooning over guys. She never did any of that teenaged girl stuff. She never had crushes on guys or anything. And it’s not like she wasn’t good looking or anything,” he added. “When she was 14 I had 18 year old friends who wanted to go out with her, and Rory had to stop bringing guys over because they all wanted to hang around until Ryan came home. She finally told us when she was 17 and we were all like, ‘What took you so long?” he laughed at the memory. “I’m sure it helps that we live around a lot of gay people and we had a gay cousin that we all loved, so it doesn’t seem like such a big deal.”

“I’m sure my family would not be so accepting as yours,” she said disparagingly.

“Well, lucky for you, you’ll never have to find out, will you?” he said as his blue eyes bore into hers.

“No. Of course not,” she said a little defensively as she averted her gaze.

***

The next day Ryan’s head was swimming from the plethora of questions that Jamie threw at her. They were sitting outside having their usual juice break. It was a clear sunny day keeping with the usual Bay Area phenomena of the best weather of the year being in the fall. Ryan was wearing a black warm up suit made of a fabric that looked like washable silk. A bright white T-shirt peeked out from behind the jacket. Ryan looked carefully at Jamie as she spoke. She was wearing a sleeveless golden yellow sweater that just covered the belt of her green khaki pants. A matching cardigan was loosely tied around her shoulders. Ryan thought about how much she liked Jamie’s clothing. She always wears something that compliments her. Like that sweater. It is just a shade or two darker than her hair. I wonder who taught her how to dress? Probably her mother, unless her mother hired someone to do that too!

“So what instruments does Rory play?” Jamie persisted as she asked her fiftieth question of the day.

“He plays keyboard and accordion.”

“Do the rest of you play anything?” she continued.

“Yes,” Ryan answered patiently. “We all have some competence with an instrument. And the answer to your next question is that I play clarinet, flute and the Irish whistle,” she grinned. “I can muddle along on keyboards and I was rabidly interested in the guitar for a few years, but my ardor has cooled recently.”

“Tell me about the kind of music his band plays,” Jamie inquired. “I don’t know much about Irish music.”

“I can see there is only one way to satisfy your curiosity,” Ryan laughed, “The next time he plays locally I’ll take you to hear him. Then all of your questions will be answered.”

“I’d love to,” Jamie enthused.

***

The week passed in its usual fashion. On Thursday night Jamie was riding her bike home after a long night at the library. It was about 9 o’clock and the wafting scent from ‘Sufficient Grounds’ called to her. She locked up her bike and walked in to the warm space. As she stood at the counter waiting for her latte’ she spied Ryan sitting in the corner, her head bent in conversation with a young woman. A very young woman. A very, very young woman. Boy does she not fit the mold. The woman had a shaved head and a riot of piercings on her ears and eyebrows. I bet she’s got some that are hidden, also. That bet was quickly resolved when she got up to go to the restroom. She walked right by Jamie and fairly large rings clearly showed their shape upon her nipples through her thin tank top. Jamie stared at her in shock. She couldn’t be out of high school! She turned her gaze to Ryan who was staring at her with a bemused expression on her calm face. Jamie marched right over to her, her outrage growing with each step.

“Gee, Ryan, isn’t it a school night?” she asked sweetly. “You don’t want your date to be late for the bus!”

“What do you mean, Jamie?” Ryan inquired with a look of pure innocence on her face.

“That woman doesn’t look like she’s even out of high school!” she fumed.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Jamie,” she said with a big grin. “Jennie isn’t in high school.”

“Well, you could have fooled me…” she began but was cut off by the woman’s return.

“Jennie, Jamie thought you were in high school,” she laughed.

Jennie laughed too, and mumbled, “I wish.”

“Jamie, Jennie is in grade school,” she said with a sweet innocence that matched Jamie’s earlier tone. “She just turned 13.”

Jamie felt as though her head would burst. She knew her face was bright red and she felt completely unable to form a word or a thought.

Ryan turned to Jennie, “You don’t mind if I tell Jamie about the nature of our relationship, do you?”

“Nope,” Jennie replied easily as she smiled up at Jamie.

“I work with Jennie though a group called ‘Gay Teens in Crisis’. She had some tough times at home, and is currently living in a group home here in Berkeley. She’s kind of my little sister,” she said as Jennie beamed at her.

Jamie felt all of the color drain out of her face. She struggled to pull out a chair and sit down before she fell down. As soon as she looked up at Ryan’s sweet smile, she felt her color rise again, this time in shame.

“Did you order something, Jamie?” Jennie asked looking at the empty space in front of Jamie.

“Uh huh, a latte’,” she mumbled in reply.

“I’ll get it for you. Then I gotta take off, Ryan. 9:30 is my curfew,” she said as she rose from the table.

Jamie stared at Ryan who just looked back at her placidly. They sat that way until Jennie returned. She kissed Ryan on the cheek and picked up her book bag and her bike helmet. “Put it on,” Ryan ordered.

“It’s so rank, Ryan. I’ve got an image to maintain.”

“Well, I happen to like your brain,” Ryan said as she stood and plunked the helmet on the stubbly head, “and since you don’t even have hair to cushion it, you’ve gotta wear this.”

“Okay, you win,” Jennie said as she gave Ryan a quick hug. “Good to meet you, Jamie,” she said over her shoulder as she hiked up her huge khaki pants and left the shop.

Jamie dropped her head to the table with an audible thunk. “I am such a jerk!” she moaned into the wood.

“It’s okay, Jamie,” Ryan replied as she patted her back. “It’s not like it’s outside of the realm of possibility that I would be with a younger woman,” she admitted. “Although 13 is a little young, even for me. I like my women to at least be able to go to an ‘PG-13’ rated movie with me,” she teased.

“I am such a jerk!” Jamie repeated, still not lifting her head from the table.

“You are most definitely not a jerk, Jamie. I was taunting you a bit. I made it worse, and I’m sorry,” she said sincerely. After a moment she added, “As long as you’ve got your head down there can I ask you something?” she inquired.

“Sure,” she mumbled from her new table top home.

“Were you at the bookstore last Wednesday night?”

“Ohhh, God,” she moaned, and sunk even lower in her chair. “Is there no end to my humiliation?”

“What did you see?” she asked gently as she again placed her hand on Jamie’s back and gave it a reassuring scratch.

“I saw you…um… talking to someone,” she said as she lifted her head, hoping that Ryan did not know what she had seen. “How did you know I was there?”

“I saw your car when I went outside. I figured you were there, but I was kind of a…occupied,” she admitted with a little blush. Now Jamie felt much better. She was beginning to get her normal color back and had risen to sit upright in her chair. But Ryan decided she needed to be completely honest with Jamie, so she told her the rest. “Plus, Babs told me she thought she saw you,” she admitted.

As Jamie’s color rose, her body sunk until she was again face down on the table. “Shoot me now, please,” she moaned. “What did she tell you?” she asked with a quavering voice.

“Ummm, she was under the impression that we had benn…umm… dating,” Ryan explained. “And she said that you looked kind of upset.” Ryan paused a bit. “I wasn’t going to say anything, but I thought that maybe that was why seeing Jennie bothered you,” she revealed.

“Yeah, that’s probably true,” she said with her muffled voice.

“Why didn’t you say something, Jamie? I hate to think that my behavior upset you in any way. Tell me what happened,” she said gently as she lifted Jamie’s head with both hands.

Jamie lifted her head the entire way and sat up straight. “I had to pick up a book for that report we were doing. I went and was just leaving when I saw you. It was like watching a train wreck, Ryan!”

“Um…I don’t think I get the analogy,” she said with a confused look on her face.

“You know, when something happens that you know you shouldn’t see, but you can’t help it. I saw you getting kind of um…frisky, and Babs came up behind me. I felt like I had been caught doing something wrong. She jumped to all sorts of conclusions, but I was too embarrassed to set her straight. I just stood there unable to explain a darn thing.”

“Go on,” Ryan reassured her.

“Well, I was mortified to have her make those assumptions and to have been caught staring at you, so I went out to my car, and you were um…occupied, right in front of me. I felt like I was stuck there, because I certainly wasn’t going to interrupt you at that point,” here she blushed fiercely. “But you got in her car, and I was able to leave,” she said as she let out a big breath.

“So…does it bother you to see me with a woman?” she asked sincerely.

“No, I don’t think so. I saw you with Chitra from class that time and it didn’t bother me at all.”

“That’s true,” she mused. “But you didn’t know me very well then. Do you think that made a difference?”

“That might be part of it,” she admitted. “But I think the bigger issue this time was that you didn’t know you were being watched. I felt like voyeur,” she confessed. “I’m really sorry I saw you and that I didn’t turn away immediately, Ryan.”

“And I’m sorry that I embarrassed you, Jamie. Robin lives at home too, so we don’t really have anywhere to go to be um…alone. I don’t usually let myself get that carried away in public,” here she blushed furiously, “but it’s been kind of a while, and I just lost my head,” she confided. “Like I said at the gym, I was feeling a little twitchy,” she said as her blush deepened.

“I’m sorry Ryan, that must be difficult for you,” she said sincerely.

Here Ryan grinned broadly, “You don’t know what difficult is until you try to do it in the back seat of a Corolla when you’re over six feet tall,” she said wisely.

“Well, I hope it all worked out in the end,” Jamie teased back.

“Yeah, we reached our destination,” she divulged, “but my neck’s still stiff,” she laughed as she rubbed the part in question. “I’ve got to start inquiring about living arrangements before I accept dates,” she said with a grin.

Jamie smiled as she forced herself not to consider exactly how that neck got so stiff.

***

After class on Friday Ryan was bubbling with energy due to her newfound freedom. She had recently decided that she no longer needed to work the early shift at the gym since Jamie had secured 15 hours of private training per week, and that was more than enough to support her. The gym was sorry to see her cut back, but they were so happy with the new members she had brought in that they still felt they had gotten a good deal.

Now, her first appointment was her 8:00 a.m. class. This allowed her to sleep an extra two and a half hours or even go out at night, something that had not been possible for years. “You know Jamie, you have allowed me to have a quality of life that I didn’t think was possible. Getting me that job at the gym has allowed me to feel more rested than I have in years.”

Jamie regarded her friend carefully. Ryan did look better than she had ever seen her. Not that she had ever looked truly bad, she thought with a laugh. But Ryan now looked completely relaxed and was childlike and very playful the vast majority of the time. The little lines of tension that sometimes nestled between her eyebrows were completely gone and Jamie also noticed that Ryan’s chronic habit of rubbing her eyes had almost stopped.

“Did you hear Linda say that we didn’t have class on Monday?” she asked, off topic.

“I have never missed a teacher canceling a class,” Ryan replied lightly. “I could sleep ‘til noon if I wanted to,” she said happily. “I’m all caught up on my lab work so I don’t have that on Monday either.”

Jamie was very pleased to see her friend look so serene. “I have a little idea for how to occupy your morning, if you’re up to getting your butt kicked,” she offered.

“I guess that depends on who is doing the kicking,” she mused.

“How about me?” Jamie replied.

“What method are you planning on using for kicking my butt?”

“Golf clubs,” Jamie replied fiendishly.

“I think my butt is in big trouble,” Ryan replied with a grimace.

***

Jamie pulled up in front of the 2 story home at 6 a.m. sharp. She was driving an enormous claret red Range Rover. Ryan popped out of the front door looking absolutely perfect for a day on the links. She wore a navy blue turtleneck under a navy blue, emerald and white argyle cardigan. Navy blue poplin slacks covered her long legs. Her hair was in a neat braid that hung down her back. She looked at Jamie with a quizzical little grin. “Um, Jamie,” she said across the roof of the big car, “Something ate your car.”

“As much as I love my little car, golf clubs do not fit well,” Jamie replied. “My father has an apartment in the City and he keeps this car there. I called him and he wasn’t planning on using it, so here we are.”

“Pretty nice spare,” Ryan replied as she looked the car over thoroughly.

Jamie tossed the keys to her with out a word. Ryan gave her a winning grin and trotted around to the driver’s side. “You know me too well, Jamie. I have to learn to keep some secrets from you.”

“I don’t think you can ever learn to keep that grin off your face,” she replied fondly.

Ryan looked like she belonged in the big car. The scale of the car fit her perfectly, unlike Jamie, who looked a bit lost in it. “So where to?” she inquired brightly. “I hope it’s far,” she added as she gripped the wheel and got a devilish look in her eyes.

“We’re going to the Olympic Club,” Jamie replied.

“The Olympic Club?” Ryan nearly shouted. “I’ve never played before, Jamie. They have the U.S. Open there!”

“I’m well aware of the history of the club, Ryan. My mother’s family has belonged for generations,” she stated honestly. “But don’t worry your pretty little head. We’ll get warmed up on the driving range, then we’ll get a cart and you can caddy for me if you don’t feel comfortable.”

“Do I get to drive the cart?” she pleaded. “I’ve always wanted to drive one of those little things.”

“Yes, you can drive the cart,” she replied indulgently as she smiled at Ryan’s hopeful look.

“Okay, let’s go!” she responded gleefully.

As she glanced into the rear of the car Ryan noticed only one set of clubs. “Did you bring some clubs for me?” she asked.

“Yep, those are for you. If you can play with right handed clubs, that is. My father keeps a spare set at the apartment for guests or when he wants to play another course. He’s about your height, and you’re easily as strong as he is, so I thought they would fit you,” she explained.

“Well, since I’ve never struck a golf ball I guess I can do it equally poorly from either side, so right handed clubs should be fine.”

“Well, it’s a little more complex than that, Ryan. Is your right hand dexterous?”

A waggling right eyebrow was her devilish response.

“Come on, silly. Be honest with me. I’m sure we can rent a set of left handed clubs at the course if we need to.”

“No, Jamie. Right handed ones are fine. I’m a natural lefty but I switch hit when I play softball and I can throw with either hand.”

“You are quite the jock, aren’t you?” she observed as she cast a sly glance at Ryan’s athletic body.

“I do all right,” she said with a touch of smugness.

A few minutes later, Ryan pulled up to the attractive clubhouse as an attendant in a white shirt and pants dashed out to greet them. “Good morning Miss Evans,” he greeted Jamie cheerfully. “Are you joining Mr. Evans this morning?”

“No, my friend and I are going to play alone today,” Jamie replied as another attendant ran to open Ryan’s door. The first young man trotted around to the trunk and lifted the gate. “Will you be having breakfast first?” he inquired.

“No, but I would like a large hot chocolate,” she said as she rubbed her hands together against the morning chill. “How about you, Ryan?”

“Sounds great. I’d love one,” Ryan replied.

“We’ll be over at the range, Charlie,” she replied as she led Ryan into the clubhouse.

Jamie led her cautious looking friend through the ornate clubhouse, finally finding their way to the ladies locker room. She walked over to a narrow but long wooden door which bore a neat plaque labeled ‘J. Evans’. Jamie opened the door with a key that she produced from her pocket. Ryan watched as she removed a neatly polished pair of white golf shoes and sat on a bench to put them on. As she watched her Ryan mused that Jamie looked particularly at home in this setting. She wore a sea foam green turtleneck with a cream colored sleeveless cardigan. Her cream colored lightweight wool slacks were held up by a thin black belt, giving her a casual, yet elegant look. After she had tied her spikes she pulled a navy blue nylon anorak out of her locker and stood to leave.

“What size shoes do you wear?” she asked curiously.

“It depends on the shoes,” Ryan replied. “My gym shoes are usually 10’s, but some of my loafers are 9 1/2’s. Why?”

“Come with me,” Jamie replied mysteriously.

They walked into the opulent pro shop. Ryan gazed around the overstocked shelves, a bit in awe. “Hi Jason,” Jamie called brightly.

“Morning Miss Evans,” he replied. “What can I do for you today?”

“My friend here,” she indicated Ryan, “needs a couple of things. Hold up your left hand,” she instructed as Ryan dumbly complied.

“Hmm,” replied Jason. “Looks like a men’s small. What color?”

Jamie replied for her, “Navy,” she replied firmly.

He handed Ryan a navy glove which she slipped onto her left hand. “Seems perfect,” she replied as she got the idea and held up her hand for Jason’s inspection.

“What else?” Jason inquired.

“A pair of Foot-Joys, 9 1/2’s, leather soles, this style,” she lifted her own foot for him to see. This got her a wide eyed look from Ryan, but Jamie just winked at her and said, “Trust me.”

Jason brought the shoes out and Ryan sat down and removed her gym shoes. “Would you like to wear two pairs of socks, Ma’am?” he inquired. Ryan looked to Jamie who again replied for her. “Yes, a pair of Foot Joys.”

As he left to find the proper socks Ryan said in a whisper, “What are you doing? I can’t afford this, and I don’t want you buying all this for me.”

“You can’t judge if you like the game if you don’t have the right equipment. Now be quiet or I’ll buy you golf clubs!” she threatened. Ryan closed her mouth abruptly and kept it closed. With two pairs of socks she needed the size 10 shoes, but she nodded her assent when Jason asked about her comfort.

They clomped out of the pro shop and walked in silence to the rear of the building. Exiting the rear door they walked the short distance to the driving range where their clubs were set up neatly on bag stands. Large buckets of clean white balls stood near each set of clubs. A golf cart sat about 5 feet behind the clubs and Ryan could see two large insulated mugs in the drink holders.

“So this is how the other 1/2 of 1 percent lives,” she teased. “But I have a bone to pick with you Miss Evans. I would not have accepted this invitation if I had known you were going to spend this much money on me,” she chided.

“Well, Miss O’Flaherty,” she replied logically, “Why do you think I didn’t tell you beforehand?”

“It really does make me uncomfortable,” Ryan revealed. “I’m not used to my friends spending money on me.”

“Look Ryan, lets get this settled,” she said as she sat in the cart and patted the seat next to her. Ryan gamely joined her, and met her eyes. “I will personally have so much money one day that I don’t believe I could spend it all in my lifetime, unless I started buying military aircraft.”

“But…” Ryan started but was cut off.

“I wanted to come here to play today. It’s much more fun for me to have you with me. You will enjoy the day more if you have the correct shoes. You will not get a blister on your hand if you wear a glove. The membership here belongs to my father. He is happy that I brought you here. He figures that if I have a friend to play with, I will play more. If I play more I get better. When I play well it gives him enormous pleasure. So, really, you’ve made my whole family happy by being my guest,” her face curled into a cute little grin that Ryan had no defenses against.

“Well, if it makes the whole family happy, I guess I can’t turn it down,” she grumbled.

“Ryan, you are the last person who would want to be my friend because of my money. But it gives me pleasure to spend just a tiny bit of it on you. Will you let me do that once in a while?”

She took a deep breath, gazing into Jamie’s eyes and found herself saying, “Yes, Jamie, I will. I promise I will not bring it up the rest of the day. I will just sink into the lap of luxury and enjoy.”

They hopped out of the cart and walked over to the clubs. Jamie explained all of the rudiments of grip, stance and swing mechanics. Ryan watched her studiously and seemed to absorb all of the important points. Jamie picked up a 3 iron and instructed, “Stand behind me and watch for a few minutes. Then go around and watch from the front.”

Ryan gamely did as she was told. She noticed that Jamie began her swing with a small downward and forward movement of her hands. The next move was a pronounced cock of her wrists, followed by a pulling of her right arm as the club moved behind her back. Her torso was fully coiled at the top of her backswing. Ryan also noted a counterbalancing tension in her legs. When she reached the apex of her swing it almost looked as though her upper body was ready to be thrust forward by her lower body. A millisecond later that was exactly what happened. Her arms paused at the top of the swing. Her left shoulder was tucked firmly under her chin, her hands were behind her head and her body was fully coiled. She exploded out of the stance by striking her left heel to the ground. Her knees shifted laterally as her hips opened toward her target. At impact it appeared that all of her momentum was taking her in the same direction the ball was traveling. The ball clicked sharply as it flew into the cool air and landed a good 200 yards away. Jamie finished her swing with almost all of her weight on her firm right leg, her torso turned toward the flight of the ball, her chest pointing slightly upward, and her hands pausing high above her left shoulder.

“Wow,” Ryan enthused, “that is a very complex move. There must be fifty different elements to that swing.”

“That is the biggest problem that golfers have,” Jamie agreed. “The swing really is complex. I would guess it is harder to hit a baseball because it’s moving, but this it really tough to do well. That’s why it annoys me when people say golf doesn’t require much skill.” She shrugged slightly and added, “I mean it’s not as much of a sport as baseball or football, but just because you don’t get tackled, doesn’t mean it isn’t hard.”

“Well, it certainly looks hard to me,” Ryan agreed. I’ve got no idea where to start.”

“Let me get you set up right so you can see how your body should feel when you address the ball,” she suggested. “Move your feet about shoulder width. Flex your knees a little so you feel like your weight is a little over your butt, and on the balls of your feet. Keep your back straight but not rigid. Do you mind if I stand behind you to take a practice swing?”

“I don’t mind a bit, but I doubt that you can accomplish it,” she teased. “I’m at least 10 inches taller than you are.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Buffy. It’s easier to do when you’re smaller than your student.” She stood so close that the toes of her shoes touched the heels of Ryan’s.

“Bend your knees a little more,” she said. “You should almost be sitting on my lap,” she instructed as her own knees touched the backs of Ryan’s. “That’s much better,” she said right into her pink ear.

Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea, she thought weakly when she began to lose her concentration. Ryan smelled so good that she felt herself trying to sniff her neck. Her breasts were pressed against her back and their legs touched from their pelvises down to their knees. Concentrate! she reminded herself firmly.

She wrapped her arms around Ryan’s and loosely placed her hands atop her friend’s. “Okay, just stay loose and let me move you,” she ordered. Ryan complied with her instructions as Jamie began the swing. “Okay, start with a good flex of your left knee…good, now here goes the hands..feel your hips turn…good, now feel the stretch in your torso when we really extend at the top…excellent!” At the top of the swing they were completely entwined. Jamie felt her mouth go dry as jolts of sensation shot up and down her body everywhere that it came in direct contact with Ryan. She knew that they had been in position long enough but she was having trouble making herself move. She took a deep breath to clear her head, but that just made matters worse when she got another good whiff of her sweet scent. She finally forced herself to move through sheer willpower. “Okay, now plant your left heel firmly and uncoil your hips,” she said as she pressed her hips against Ryan’s. “Here go the arms…just let them follow…good…now a big follow through…excellent!” she said with pride. “You are very easy to work with,” she said happily.

Ryan turned around and regarded her thoughtfully for a moment. “This really is your sport, isn’t it?”

“What do you mean?”

“You just seem to understand the swing at a really fundamental level. When you can explain it as well as you do, it must be something that really resonates with you.”

Jamie thought about that for a moment. “I guess you’re right,” she agreed. “I feel really comfortable when I play. It actually makes me feel kind of calm.”

“I feel like that when I run. It’s kind of an altered state,” she admitted. “But this golf swing is mighty intriguing. There’s so many elements that I don’t know where to start.”

“My suggestion is to put one simple swing thought in your head. Imagine that marker,” she pointed at a 100 yard marker, “is an open window in a big wall. Now imagine that you have to stand laterally to that wall and heave a heavy weight through it. Try that without holding a club.”

“Okay,” Ryan replied, a little doubtful. She did as she was told and felt herself approximate Jamie’s swing. “Hey, that works!” she beamed.

“Don’t really think about the club, don’t think about hitting the ball. Just concentrate on tossing that big weight,” Jamie instructed. She handed Ryan a 5 iron and showed her how to sole the club. She bent over and placed a ball in front of the club. “Give it a whack,” she exhorted.

Ryan did so, and made very acceptable contact with the little white ball. The ball shot out past the 100 yard marker and she looked up with a big grin flashing those perfect white teeth. “That was fun!” she said gleefully. “Shall I stop while I’m ahead?”

“Nope, we’re gonna hit all of these babies,” she said as she poked the bucket of balls.

Ryan got to work, and did an admirable job of dispatching each of the little orbs. When she would whiff one or two Jamie stood behind her and gave her a few simple tips. After watching her for a while she commented, “You’ll do a lot better if you loosen your grip on the club. Think about caressing it rather than gripping it.” Ryan gave her a cute little smirk but applied her tip and found the results to be quite successful. By the time she was finished her sweater was off and her cheeks were flushed bright pink. She spent a good deal of time just watching Jamie. She was very impressed with her friend’s skill. She seemed very comfortable, very much in control of her body. She’s really a good little athlete, she thought.

Jamie used all of the clubs in her bag to warm up, but she instructed Ryan to stick with the irons for the time being. “Are you ready to hit the links?” Jamie asked brightly when she had finished her bucket.

“If you’ve got the nerve to play with me, I’m ready.”

“My guess is you’d be beating me like a drum in six months if you played regularly,” she admitted. “I think I’d better take advantage of you while you’re a neophyte.”

***

They hopped in the little cart, with Ryan at the wheel as promised. Ryan drove carefully over to the starter. “Hi, Miss Evans,” he greeted her. “Playing alone today, or would you like me to pair you up?”

“We’d like to play alone, Donald. Can we tee off now?”

“Yep. You’re cleared for takeoff. Have a good round, ladies.”

Jamie was very impressed with how easily Ryan took to the game. She was strong and tall and her balance was very good. She concentrated during her swing, but was relaxed and playful when one of them was not actually addressing the ball. She had no idea what to do with her pitching or sand wedges and they had spent no time at all on putting. So her short game was non-existent. But her iron play was admirable. Of course she hit her share of clinkers, but accomplished players did that frequently. She didn’t keep score, as Jamie told her not to focus on scoring, but instead to focus on feel.

Jamie kept score and seemed quite pleased with her game. Ryan enjoyed the look of intense concentration on her face before she hit a shot. When Jamie missed a shot, she didn’t get angry, but Ryan could tell that she went over her swing in her head, trying to figure out what she had done wrong.

The course was truly a marvel, and Ryan was tremendously impressed with the quiet and the peacefulness she felt when it appeared that they were all alone on the course. Some of the views were breathtaking and Ryan felt extremely lucky to be here with her friend.

It was nearly noon when they finished and Jamie asked hopefully, “Lunch?”

“I am famished,” she admitted, “but I have a 2 o’clock gym appointment.”

“Well, you were supposed to do me at 4. We could skip today if you could move your 2 o’clock.”

“You are the Devil, aren’t you?” she teased as she picked up the offered cell phone and checked her ever present organizer for the number.

She was pleased to be able to rearrange her schedule, and they spent a moment freshening up in the locker room before they entered The Grill.

Ryan was impressed by the quiet understated opulence of the room. Every server knew Jamie by name, but Ryan was pleased that Jamie had taken the time to learn their names also. Martin had always told Ryan that the easiest way to judge a person was to see how they treated food servers. Ryan was pleased to see that Jamie did very well on this test. Ryan ordered a delicious turkey club and a tart fresh lemonade. Jamie had a chicken Caesar salad and a glass of iced tea.

Jamie signed for the bill as she had all day. Ryan pondered how she would repay her, and finally reached a decision. “Jamie, I can’t tell you how much I’ve enjoyed today,” she said sincerely. “But I feel like our friendship has reached a close enough level that I feel uncomfortable having you pay me to train you,” she held up her hand to stop Jamie’s protest. “Yes, I know that this is my profession, and that I would be able to work with a paying customer if I wasn’t working with you. But I want to give my talents to you, Jamie. I don’t want you to pay for them anymore.”

“But Ryan,” she protested. “That’s $375 a week you could be earning.”

“I’m well aware of that, Jamie,” she said as she gazed into her sea green eyes. “But money isn’t an issue between us. If we weren’t working out together I’d still want to be with you, just hanging out. I really enjoy our workouts…I actually look forward to them. So please don’t ask me to accept money for spending 3 enjoyable hours with you a week. At this point in our relationship I just can’t accept it.”

“Okay,” Jamie agreed reluctantly as she gazed back into those mesmerizing eyes. “I can tell that you’ve made up your mind. But can I bring you to play golf every once in a while?”

“Deal,” Ryan replied as they shock hands on the agreement.

Ryan had just enough time for Jamie to drop her off at home. As Jamie pulled up to the house, Conor was maneuvering his big black Dodge Ram into a nearby parking space. Boy, he looks good in that, she mused. He came over to the Range Rover as Ryan got out and dashed in the house to change. “Gee Jamie, do you have a different car for every day of the week?”

“No, Conor. I actually only have one. This is my father’s. We borrowed it so we could play golf this morning.”

“Golf? Ryan played golf?” he said in amazement. “I started playing about 5 years ago, and she hasn’t stop teasing me about it since. Thanks for the ammo Jamie,” he said with a twinkle. “So where did you play, Tilden?” he mentioned the name of a city course in Berkeley.

“No, we played at my father’s club,” she replied, hoping he wouldn’t pursue the point.

“Which is…?” he inquired.

“Olympic,” she said without embellishment.

“You took Ryan to play at The Olympic Club?” he said, his mouth hanging open in shock. “Are you still a member, or did they throw you out?” he teased.

“She did very, very well, I’ll have you know. I’ve been playing since I was six, and I bet she could beat me within the year if she worked at it. She’s such a gifted athlete,” she said admiringly.

“Oh, she’ll work at it, all right. She owes me at least 20 rounds after all the teasing I’ve put up with. That gives me a idea for her birthday though.”

“Her birthday? When is it?”

“It’s Friday. She’s going to be 23.”

“I had no idea, the little rat!”

“Well, you’ve really helped me out. I didn’t have any ideas for a present for her until now. Hey, it would be fun if Brendan and I could play as a foursome with you two sometime,” he added.

“I’d like that,” Jamie agreed.

Ryan was barreling down the stairs to fetch her motorcycle when she spotted Conor still at the driver’s door of the Range Rover. “You can’t drive that one, Conor. It’s her father’s,” she stated with authority.

“Did you drive it?” he questioned.

“Yeah, but I’m trustworthy,” she stated in a superior manner.

Jamie laughed and said, “Sorry Conor, I’ve got to get back to Berkeley before traffic gets bad. But next time, I’ll let you drive it,” she promised.

Ryan grabbed her bike from the garage and walked it up next to Conor. “What were you two talking about?” Ryan asked suspiciously.

“Oh nothing, nothing at all,” he said airily as he sauntered into the house.

Ryan smiled up at Jamie and said, “I really had a fabulous day, Jamie.” After a beat she added, “Have we ever had a bad time together?”

“Nope. But I’m sure I’ll wear on your nerves over time,” she teased.

“Don’t count on it, buddy,” Ryan said as she patted Jamie’s cheek with an affectionate smile on her face.

Chapter 6

One of the class projects they had agreed to tackle involved at least one day spent volunteering at a Lesbian or Gay community organization. Ryan had a long association with one such outfit and she agreed to arrange for two evening volunteer sessions at the Gay and Lesbian Teen Talk Line.

Jamie picked Ryan up from the Biology building at 6:30. They generally didn’t see each other on Tuesdays but Jamie knew that it was Ryan’s busiest day. She also knew that she had a tendency to ignore her own needs in order to be early for her appointments. “Have you eaten?” she inquired sternly.

“Yep,” Ryan replied as she patted her flat belly. “Da fixed me a delicious spaghetti dinner which I ate with gusto.”

“Good. Then let’s get over there early so we can get set up.” Jamie always felt more comfortable when she was early for an appointment and she knew that Ryan had the same quirk.

They drove through the streets of Berkeley and crossed over into Oakland. When they reached a rather seedy neighborhood, Ryan pointed out the building and Jamie pulled up in front. A small sign read ‘G.L.T.T.L.’. “That’s certainly unobtrusive enough,” Jamie remarked. “Do you think they get harassed here?”

“Not that I’ve ever heard of,” Ryan replied. “It’s not a bad idea to be cautious, though.”

As they went into the small building Jamie noticed several cubicles each about 6 feet in height. She could hear soft voices coming from them and she assumed that people were within each one, taking calls. Ryan confirmed this as they walked into a small office near the rear of the building. A large red-headed woman rose to greet Ryan with a big smile on her expressive face. “Ryan, I have missed you…” she said as Ryan enveloped her in a hug.

“I’ve missed you too, Yvonne. I really miss having the time to come help out.”

“Honey, I think you still hold the honor of logging the most hours of any volunteer we’ve ever had. Your name is still up on the plaque,” she reminded her, indicating a little wooden sign that listed the most loyal volunteers. “We’re just glad to see you again,” she said as she patted Ryan’s back.

“Oh, Yvonne, this is my friend Jamie.” Jamie nodded at Yvonne as Ryan continued, “I thought I could take calls and Jamie can listen in. If she wants to handle some, we can do that on Thursday after she feels more comfortable. Does that sound okay to you?”

“That sounds fine, Ryan. You know the drill. You can use Marsha’s office to give yourselves a little more room.”

Ryan thanked her and escorted Jamie to a second little office. There was a cluttered desk and it took Ryan a minute to find the phone. Once she did she searched for a pair of headphones for Jamie. She came back with the headset and hooked it in to the side of the device.

“All of the calls come in and are answered by one person. She logs them in and sets them into a cue. She tries to match the calls to the abilities of the volunteers. I requested calls from lesbians because that’s more germane to our class. The operator knows that I have a lot of experience and that I’m older, so she’ll probably send some tough ones our way,” Ryan explained.

“But you’re going to actually talk to the callers, right? And you want me to just listen?” she inquired.

“No, not just listen. I want you to observe. There are a great number of resources here and I want you to get comfortable with them,” she gestured at the disarray that surrounded her, “I just don’t know if I can work in all this mess,” she admitted. “Sometimes my neatness fetish gets in the way.”

Ryan set to work to locate all of the pertinent reference materials. She explained that Jamie could hear, but that the caller could not hear her. She told Jamie that she could mute her own voice so that they could talk about a call in progress. She pointed at a white board on the wall and told Jamie to write down any points or questions that she hadn’t covered.

She looked at Jamie for a few seconds with a very serious expression. “The calls can cover anything. I’ve had people ask me how to use a microwave oven,” she laughed. “But about 10 percent of the calls are really serious. I do my best to make appropriate referrals, but sometimes the kids’ stories are truly heartbreaking. If any of the calls bother you, just let me know and we’ll stop for a while to decompress, okay?”

Jamie was truly touched by Ryan’s concern for her. “Thanks for looking out for me,” she said with a smile. “I’ll let you know if anything gets to me.”

When she felt comfortable she pressed a button and told the operator she was ready. Less than a second later, the phone rang. “Gay and Lesbian Teen Talk Line, this is Ryan. How can I help you?”

The first two hours passed in a blur. Jamie was truly amazed at the astounding variety of issues that kids called about. And most of the callers were kids, she thought. They took calls from girls as young as 12, which truly shocked her. One young girl had kissed another girl at a party and she wanted to know if that made her gay; a 16 year old was sure she was gay but her Orthodox Jewish parents prohibited her from going out without being chaperoned; a 19 year old wanted help with a paper she was doing for school. Ryan didn’t spend a lot of time with that call, but she knew who to refer her to and she gave her some interesting sounding web sites to look up. Ryan handled each call with professionalism but an amazing amount of empathy. She dispatched the calls as quickly as possible, but let kids ramble on if she thought they needed to. God, she has an amazing amount of patience, Jamie thought when a particularly non-verbal young woman could not spit out her question. Jamie jumped to her feet several times to write questions for Ryan on the board, and each time Ryan incorporated them into the call. She would generally mouth a thank you or give Jamie a grin when this happened. After two hours Ryan buzzed the operator to take a break.

Ryan stood and stretched thoroughly. After a minute she lay down on the floor and stretched her back out even more systematically. Jamie did the same, but with much less efficiency. Ryan gave her a little smile and asked if her back was stiff. When she nodded Ryan said, “Come here and put yours arms around my neck.” Jamie gave her a puzzled look but did exactly as she was told. She got close and placed her hands around Ryan’s neck as the taller woman leaned over to accommodate Jamie’s height. “Now lock your hands together tightly,” she said from mere millimeters away. Jamie again followed her instructions and was surprised to feel Ryan rise to her full height. She felt and heard the pops as each vertebra seemed to slip back into place.

“Ohhhh God, this feels good,” Jamie moaned in pleasure.

“All better?” Ryan inquired with a satisfied grin.

“Pretty much,” she agreed as she twisted around a little bit. “Except for one spot right in the middle,” she said as she rubbed the spot with her hand.

“I’ve got another one for that,” she replied confidently. “This time put your elbows around my neck,” she instructed. Jamie felt her mouth go dry as she contemplated this move. She stood so close and Ryan leaned over so far that they were breathing the same air. The warmth of Ryan’s breath on her cheek caused her heart to pick up its beat, but she gamely stood her ground and placed her arms just as Ryan instructed. This time when Ryan rose she was draped along her body and her chin rested right on her broad chest. She turned slightly so that her face lay on Ryan’s clean smelling white T-shirt. They both heard an audible snap and Ryan’s low laugh rumbled right through her entire body. Jamie hoped fervently that her legs would hold her when she was returned to earth. That low voice rumbled through her again. “Ready?” it asked.

“For what?” was her mumbled reply into the strong pectoral muscle.

“For me to put you down,” came her deep chuckle.

“If you must,” she heard herself reply after a deep sigh.

Ryan wore a bemused grin as Jamie got her legs functioning. “You really are a pleasure hound, aren’t you?” she inquired with a light tone.

“Um, I can’t say that I knew that about myself, but I guess I am,” she replied with an embarrassed grin.

“Lucky for you that pleasure hounds are my favorite animals,” Ryan intoned as she tweaked her nose.

I’m gonna have to sit on uncomfortable chairs more often.

After their little break the first really tough call of the evening came in. It was from a 14 year old girl who had been raped by her mother’s boyfriend, apparently because he thought she was gay. Karen related that the man had been with her mother for about a year and had been harassing her because she didn’t have a boyfriend yet. She claimed that he drank a lot and that his abuse got worse when he was drunk. Her mother worked nights as a waitress and Karen was often left at home with the boyfriend.

She said that he had come into her room on Sunday night and demanded to know why she never had boys calling. She tried to get rid of him with a flippant answer by telling him that she was a lesbian. He had flown into a rage and beat her severely and then raped her, telling her that he wasn’t going to have a queer living in his house.

She was terrified to tell her mother because she was afraid that her mother would believe him rather than her. During the call she was hysterical periodically which was absolutely normal. But the hysteria was followed by long periods of silence which frightened both women. Ryan asked her directly, “Have you had any thoughts of death or killing yourself, Karen?”

Jamie looked at her with wide eyes. She thought it was a very bad idea to suggest such a thing to the girl. She was afraid that it would give her an idea that she didn’t currently have. But after a long pause Karen finally answered.

“Yes,” she said softly.

“Tell me about them,” she urged softly.

“I keep thinking about my funeral. I think about how sorry my mom’s gonna be for having him in the house. And I think about the kids from my school finally understanding how much this hurts,” she gasped out.

Ryan quickly placed the call on mute and told Jamie, “I hate to do this, but we’ve got to trace this call. I think she may have already taken something. Go talk to Yvonne and tell her what’s going on.”

Jamie dashed in to Yvonne’s office and hastily told her about the call, and Ryan’s assessment. She ran back in after Yvonne immediately agreed to call the phone company to trace the call. During one particularly long period of silence, Ryan caught a look at Jamie’s terrified face and grabbed her hand, holding it tight while she continued to talk in quiet, reassuring tones, hoping to draw Karen out again. At least 10 more minutes had passed and by now Jamie agreed with Ryan’s assessment of the severity of the girl’s mental state. Her voice was becoming slow and dreamy when she wasn’t crying uncontrollably. Ryan had been letting her lapse into silence for a few minutes. But after another interminable silence Jamie could see the tension in Ryan’s face and felt the pressure of her hand becoming more intense.

Several minutes passed and the tension in the room was unbearable. Ryan finally stood up and started to pace in a small circle. She started to talk in a louder voice, “Come on, Karen talk to me. Please talk to me,” she pleaded. Finally she couldn’t take the silence anymore and she yelled in a frustrated plea, “KAREN! FOR GOD’S SAKE!! PLEASE TALK TO ME!”

Every muscle in Jamie’s body was coiled with tension. Ryan was pale and rigid as she stood in place with her eyes tightly shut. Just when Jamie was sure they had lost her an older female voice picked up the phone and identified herself as an Oakland Fire Department paramedic. She had to hang up immediately to begin resuscitation, but she promised that someone from the department would call back when they got the girl stabilized.

Ryan hit the disconnect button and sank into her chair. Her head dropped into her hands and she sat motionless for many long moments. Jamie was shaking all over and felt like she was freezing to death. When Ryan finally looked up she saw the pallor on Jamie’s face and she immediately got up and shoved Jamie’s head between her knees. She grabbed a paperweight from the desk and flung it against the wall. Yvonne came running and Ryan instructed her to get a cold cloth. She returned seconds later with the requested item. Ryan told her she could leave, thinking that Jamie would respond better to her alone. She placed the cloth on the back of her clammy neck and slowly massaged her tense muscles. After a few minutes she felt her begin to stir and she helped her sit up.

Jamie was still stark white but she was shaking less and Ryan guessed that she was in no danger of passing out. She helped her to her feet and guided her out of the small office. As they passed Yvonne’s office Ryan said quietly, “I’ll call in an hour to see how the girl is.” Yvonne mouthed a thank you and Ryan nodded her acknowledgment.

As they got to the curb Ryan propped her up against the car and searched through Jamie’s bag for the car keys. When she found them, she turned off the alarm and opened the passenger door. Jamie’s color had not improved and Ryan began to worry that she should not have moved her. She appeared to be in shock, and Ryan hoped that being in familiar surroundings would calm her down. She had a rather vacant look in her eyes, but she seemed cognizant of where they were.

Ryan maneuvered her into the seat and belted her in securely. She ran around the car to get into the drivers seat. As she started the engine Jamie moaned loudly and started to struggle to free herself from the seat belt. Ryan unhooked her own belt and ran around to the other side. As she opened the door Jamie leaned over dangerously close to the sidewalk and began to vomit. There wasn’t much Ryan could do at this point so she just knelt down and placed her hand on the back of her neck for comfort. She grabbed some tissues from the box on the floor and wiped her mouth gently. Then she lifted her back into the car and checked her vital signs. Her pulse seemed a little quick, but Ryan expected that. She reclined the seat as much as possible and placed her limp form back against the seat.

Jamie was beginning to stir as they approached her house. She moaned slightly and shifted a bit as Ryan pulled into the drive. “Please let no one be home,” Ryan prayed aloud. She trotted to the passenger side, opened the door and removed her seat belt. She squatted down and made eye contact. “Are you going to be sick again?”

A small nod and a lurching movement were the only warning that Jamie provided. Regrettably Ryan’s reflexes were not fast enough and the remaining contents of Jamie’s stomach caught her right in the crotch of her jeans. She swallowed the bile that was rushing up her own throat and did her best to comfort her friend. When she was finished gagging Ryan slid one strong arm behind Jamie’s shoulders and the other under her knees. She grunted deeply from the strain as she rose to a standing position. Boy, I wish we had the Range Rover tonight. That squat was a killer!

She struggled to carry her friend up the walk and shot a concerned look at her as she moaned softly. Her diverted attention caused her to stumble just a bit on one of the stairs. Please don’t drop her, she pleaded with herself. She hoisted her burden higher on her chest to free her right arm. She managed to get the key in the lock and turned the knob, where she was overjoyed to find the house dark and still. She crossed the threshold and laid her down on the sofa. “Jamie?” she said quietly. When she got no response she lightly slapped her face. Great! Now she’s unconscious! After making sure that she would not tumble off the small sofa she dashed into the kitchen to fetch a dish towel which she wet and filled with a few handfuls of ice. She flicked on the overhead lights as she returned to the sofa.

She sat Jamie up again and gave her a brisk ice massage on the back of her neck. She began to respond and finally muttered, “What happened?”

“You almost passed out at the help line. You’re in your living room now. How do you feel?” Ryan dropped to her knees and held on to her shoulders to steady her and looked closely at her eyes.

“Okay, I guess. A little sick to my stomach, though. How long was I out?”

“Not long,” Ryan said as she exhaled deeply and rubbed her eyes in her familiar gesture of fatigue. “But a lot longer than I’m comfortable with. Has this happened to you before?”

“Yeah. I…” she started, but Ryan saw the green tinge return to her face. She scooped her up and began to climb the stairs quickly, feeling beads of sweat pop out on her forehead as she struggled with her weight.

She carried her into the bathroom and allowed her to kneel on the floor and rest her head on her folded arms crossed upon the toilet seat. Another round of gagging followed and after a few quiet minutes she helped her to her feet and guided her into her room.

“What did you have to eat today?” she inquired.

Jamie thought for a minute, trying to order her muddled brain. “I don’t remember. Didn’t we eat together?”

“No, that was yesterday,” Ryan said as another look of worry crossed her face. “Jamie, I want you to think about today. This is Tuesday. Tell me about what you did today.”

“Um, did we have psych today?”

“No, that’s on Monday. This is Tuesday. You have your Romantic Poets class on Tuesday. Did you go?”

Jamie concentrated hard and after a few minutes her memory came back. “Yeah, I did. After that I went to the library and then I got some lunch.”

“What did you have?” Ryan asked.

“Um, I felt a little funny so I just had some soup and a couple of crackers.”

“No breakfast?”

“Um, I don’t think so. Oh, no, I was running late so I just had a diet coke.”

“Okay, then what did you do after lunch?” Ryan continued.

“I had my next two English classes, back to back. Then I went back to the library and got really engrossed in reading for my class. My watch alarm went off at 6 and I rode my bike home and got my car. I drove back and picked you up at 6:30,” she gave Ryan a little smile, proud of her accomplishment of remembering her day.

“So, you asked if I had eaten, but you didn’t tell me that you hadn’t,” she chided her gently. “I guess you need someone to look after you too,” she said as she ruffled Jamie’s hair. “I’m going to call your parents to let them know about this. I think you should see your doctor.”

“NO!” she cried. “Don’t call them, Ryan! Please!” she begged with a note of panic in her voice.

“Okay, okay,” Ryan said as she gently caressed her cheek. “But we’ve got to get something into your tummy. Do you think you have any 7-up or ginger ale?”

“Probably, but I’m not sure.”

“Do you feel like I can leave you for a minute or two?”

“Yeah. My stomach is still bad but I don’t think I’ll pass out again.”

When Ryan returned with a glass of ginger ale she resumed her questioning. “Tell me about when you passed out before”

“It’s kind of embarrassing, but I tend to pass out when I’m under stress. My blood pressure is kind of low and I just tend to go out.”

“Do you get any warning?” Ryan asked.

“Yeah, like tonight I could tell that as soon as you disconnected the phone…” here her voice got fainter and she began to lose her color again. Ryan reached over quickly and removed the glass from her weak hand.

“I’m gonna get you into bed. Then we’re gonna talk about this a little. What do you wear to bed?”

“A T-shirt,” Jamie replied as she pointed to her chest of drawers. Ryan pushed her down on the bed and lifted her legs, placing them on the bed also. She walked over to the chest and picked out a very large light blue t-shirt, obviously one of Jack’s. She returned to the bed holding the shirt up for Jamie’s approval. Her questioning look received a nod in return.

Ryan stood at the foot of the bed and began to unlace Jamie’s brown leather ankle length boots. She dropped each boot to the carpet and touched a sock as she asked, “On or off?”

“Off,” was the faint reply.

She walked around to the side of the bed and began to unbuckle the brown leather belt which held up the khaki chinos. “I can do that, Ryan,” she insisted as she tried to sit up.

Ryan let her give it a try but she flopped back down again in seconds. “God, why am I so dizzy?”

“Because you’ve been vomiting and you had almost no food in your stomach to start with. You’re probably a little dehydrated. Let me get you undressed and then we’ll try to get some fluids down you, okay?”

“I feel embarrassed, Ryan,” she admitted with a small voice.

Ryan gave her a sad look and sat down next to her on the bed. “Jamie,” she said softly. “I…I’m not trying to…I mean I don’t want to…”

All at once it hit the smaller woman and she hastened to reassure her friend. “No, no, Ryan. Please don’t think I’m worried about you seeing me naked. I’m just shy…around everyone,” she insisted. “I don’t even like Mia to see me naked.”

Ryan nodded her head, feeling reassured that Jamie wasn’t afraid of her in particular, but she didn’t want her friend to lie in bed with her stained and smelly clothes on. She looked rather helpless until Jamie sighed and said, “I’m being silly. Please help me.”

She dropped her arms to the bed and let Ryan do her job. She unbuttoned and unzipped the pants and instructed, “Pick your butt up a little.” Jamie did as she was told and the chinos were removed and folded neatly.

Ryan began to unbutton the multicolor pastel plaid flannel shirt. She worked the buttons of the sleeves open and removed one arm. She turned Jamie over onto her side and removed the shirt completely. Next she tugged the pale yellow t-shirt up her torso and over her head.

Ryan pulled her up into a sitting position, braced against her own body. “Are you okay?” she asked gently.

“Yeah,” she said weakly, but it was clear that she was feeling queasy again. She put her arms around her torso and easily unclasped her peach colored silky bra. She slid it off her shoulders and tossed it away, being careful to avert her eyes as much as possible. Gathering the blue t-shirt, she bunched the fabric together and pulled it over Jamie’s head, and then pulled an arm through each sleeve and placed her back onto the bed.

Next she went to the other side of the bed and pulled back the comforter and the sheet. She returned to Jamie and rolled her over until she was lying on the exposed bottom sheet. She went back around again and pulled her up until her head rested on a pair of fluffy down pillows.

Jamie’s color was much better now. Ryan checked her watch and noticed that it was almost 11 p.m. so she walked over to the phone and called the help line. Yvonne answered the main number and Ryan asked if they had received word on Karen yet.

“Yes, the paramedics called about 10 minutes ago. They pumped her stomach and have stabilized her. They seemed quite confident that she’ll be okay. Physically, at least,” she added. “How’s your friend?”

“She’s okay, that was not an uncommon reaction apparently.” After a few more words Ryan hung up and went back to the bed. Jamie’s color was nearly normal, but now she was quietly crying.

Ryan untied her shoes and kicked them off. She finally pulled off her leather jacket and draped it over a chair. She had to get her sodden jeans off but she didn’t want to leave her friend for long. So she just shucked them and looked in the dresser for some sweats or pajama bottoms. Luckily she found some thin cotton flannel pajama bottoms that must have been Jack’s. She slipped them on and shimmied out of her bra without taking off her T-shirt. Crossing over to the bed she climbed in and pulled another two pillows behind her back. She scooted right next to Jamie and pulled her into the crook of her shoulder. Jamie’s head dropped onto Ryan’s breast and she shook with quiet sobs for a long while.

“How could someone be so cruel to a child?” Jamie finally gasped out. “How could you rape a little girl because you think she’s gay?!”

“I can’t answer that Jamie. I can’t imagine abusing someone so vulnerable. The really awful thing is that Karen’s innocence is destroyed. She might get through the trauma but she can’t reclaim her childhood. That’s gone forever.”

“I’m so proud of you Ryan,” she murmured. “You saved her life. You really saved her life!”

“No, the paramedic did that. I just knew enough to call them.”

“I didn’t realize how bad it was until the end. She would have died if I had been there alone,” she began to sob again.

“You don’t know what you would have done if you were alone, Jamie. Don’t speculate about things like that,” Ryan said into her ear as she held her close.

Jamie began to calm down after a few more minutes of sobbing. The stress of the evening began to claim her and she was sound asleep within moments. After Ryan was sure she was in a deep slumber she rolled her onto her back. She drew the comforter up to cover her breasts and pulled her arms out of the covers.

Ryan rolled out of bed and went to the phone. She dialed the familiar number of the firehouse and heard her father’s strong voice answer. “Hi, Da. It’s me.”

“What’s wrong, Siobhan?” he said with a note of concern.

“Nothing big. Jamie and I went to the teen talk line tonight and we had a really stressful call. A young girl overdosed and we just got to her in time. Jamie hadn’t eaten and she passed out. None of her roommates are here, so I’m gonna stay over to watch her.”

“Oh, the poor lass, you take good care of her, Siobhan, she’s a lovely little thing.”

“Thanks Da, will you let the boys know I won’t be home?”

“Sure thing, sweetheart. I love you, Siobhan,” he said softly. “And I’m proud of you for helping that child tonight.”

“I love you too, Da. See you tomorrow.”

Ryan found a small quilt lying on a chair. She flipped off the lights and got onto the bed . She lay outside of the covers and placed the quilt around herself. She lay in that position for a long time, unable to relax enough to sleep. Hours later she drifted off for a few restless hours of sleep.

***

Just after dawn she awoke with a start. She rubbed her weary eyes and carefully rolled out of bed. As she picked up her shoes she heard Jamie stir.

“What time is it?” Jamie asked groggily.

“It’s just 6 a.m.,” Ryan replied. “You can go back to sleep. You could use the rest.”

Ryan came over to Jamie’s side of the bed and sat on the edge to check her out. “I’m going to take a shower and go downstairs to fix some breakfast. You stay in bed and I’ll come check on you at 7. If you’re better you can come down and have some breakfast before school, okay?”

“Okay,” Jamie agreed. “Gimme a hug,” she said as she extended her arms. Ryan dutifully complied, giving her a small kiss on the top of her head for good measure.

By the time Ryan had reached the door to the bathroom she heard Jamie’s breathing fall into a steady pattern. She smiled wearily at her sleeping friend and closed the door.

***

After a partially rejuvenating shower Ryan ambled down stairs to find something for breakfast. She had slipped Jack’s pants back on along with her own T-shirt. She did a reasonably decent job of washing her jeans out and tossed them in the dryer while she searched the kitchen for acceptable food. The closest she could come was some instant oatmeal. The pantry held every type of spice and herb, but the only real food was microwave popcorn, fat free cookies and diet soda. This is disgusting. Every one of those 3 is underweight and I bet they’re all malnutritioned. I can’t do much about the other two but Jamie is going to start eating better if I have to move in here to cook for her. There was no fruit in the house, but she did find some milk that had a day left before it went bad. She put the instant oatmeal in the microwave and grumbled to herself as it cooked.

She extracted the bowl and added the milk and some brown sugar. She was on the verge of gagging as soon as she took her first bite. What a terrible thing to do to a poor little oat, she moaned. Every bit of flavor and texture has been removed!

Her stomach was queasy as it was, and the wallpaper paste that claimed to be oatmeal was making matters worse. I can’t do it. I’ll grab something on the way to class. Anything would be better than that!

She was pleased to hear Jamie stomping around upstairs but she thought she should give her some privacy so she climbed up on the marble counter to wait for her pants to dry. Just a few minutes after 7 Jamie came down the stairs, clean, pressed and very pale.

Ryan hopped off the counter and walked over to her. “You don’t look much better,” she admitted. “How do you feel?”

“About like I look,” she said weakly. “I’m still a little sick to my stomach and I feel pretty shaky.”

“I think this is a perfect day to skip school,” Ryan suggested. “Why don’t you go back upstairs and hop into bed. I’ll go to the store and buy you some human food for breakfast.”

Jamie looked at her blankly while Ryan turned her around and steered her back up the stairs. “Scoot,” she commanded.

Without a word she climbed the stairs, unbuttoning her blouse as she did so. Ryan pulled her still damp jeans from the dryer and struggled into them. Nothing better than hot, wet jeans that still smell like vomit, she thought cheerily. She picked up the keys to the Porsche and was just locking up when Cassie pulled into the driveway.

“What a surprise,” she said dryly as Ryan passed her on the walk. “Do you have keys to the house and the car now?”

Ryan bit her lip to stop herself from snapping at her. “No, I don’t. Jamie’s ill and I’m taking her car to get her something for her stomach. Is that all right with you?” she added with a false smile.

“What’s wrong with her?” she asked with a look of concern.

“She got upset last night and hadn’t had much to eat. I think her stomach is just raw from throwing up.”

“Why was she upset?” Cassie asked with a narrowed glance.

“She and I were volunteering at a help line and we had a really stressful call. A young girl had been raped and she tried to kill herself.” Ryan didn’t want to give her all of this information, but she didn’t want to lie either.

“That’s ridiculous!” Cassie huffed.

Ryan thought that was an odd term to use, but she agreed. “Yeah, it’s really upsetting to think of what people can do to kids.”

“No, it’s ridiculous that Jamie was put in that position. She’s not used to that type of person, Ryan,” she said dismissively.

There was not one thing in the world Ryan could have said that would not have involved profanity so she shut her mouth and turned on her heel. Cassie was left standing on the sidewalk, mouth open in shock at being treated so rudely by Jamie’s uncouth friend.

***

After a $50 trip to the market Ryan returned to the house to start breakfast. Luckily Cassie had obviously just stopped in before class because she was gone when Ryan returned. She organized all of the supplies in the pantry, leaving out just the items that she needed for breakfast.

The first order of business was getting her own meal started. She assumed that Jamie would not be up for some time but she could hardly wait another minute. As it was she had bought some energy bars and had to munch on one during the ride home. She decided she wanted French toast and ham so she mixed up the batter for the crusty brioche that she had purchased. She got everything together quickly and within minutes had it all cooking away. When everything was ready she put her very large latte’ in the microwave to heat it up and sat down to enjoy her repast. She pulled out one of her textbooks so she could study while she ate. The time flew by and she was astounded when she realized it was 10 o’clock. I guess I’m skipping my bio lab, she thought. Good thing I’m pretty well caught up.

Moments later she heard Jamie get out of bed. She gave her a few minutes to go to the bathroom but when she didn’t hear the shower she walked back up the stairs to see how she was.

“Come on in,” Jamie replied when Ryan knocked softly. She had crawled back into bed but she looked a lot better. Her color was nearly normal and she didn’t have the dark circles under her eyes that she had earlier.

“Are you going back to sleep or are you ready for some food?”

Jamie recoiled at the mere thought. She scrunched up her face in distaste and moaned, “I’m never going to eat again.”

“Oh yes you are,” Ryan insisted. “Your stomach will not feel better until you get something in there. You can have tea and toast, or cereal, or oatmeal or French toast, or pancakes, or scrambled eggs. But you’re putting something in there if I have to hold you down,” she said with her hands on her hips.

Jamie had to laugh at her fierce demeanor. “Jokes on you, Ryan. We don’t have anything to eat around here except popcorn.”

“You do now,” she informed her. “I went to the store.” She waited a beat before she added, “And I ran into Cassie. We had a little chat and I’m pretty sure she’s mad at me.”

Jamie rolled her eyes and pulled the pillow over her head. “I’m not up to hearing about it right now. Will you tell me after my stomach has calmed down?”

“I don’t need to tell you at all,” Ryan said. “I just wanted to let you know so you were in the loop. Now what can I make you?”

“I tend to like sweet things when I’m sick. Do you think I could keep French toast down?”

“I think you could if you don’t put too much syrup or butter on it. You stay in bed until I’m ready for you, okay?”

“Okay,” she agreed as she let out a massive yawn. “I’m still a little tired.”

Ryan trotted down stairs and made 3 pieces of French toast for her. She put the plate on a tray and added a small pitcher of syrup, a mug of sweetened tea, silverware, a linen napkin and a bud vase with a bright yellow Gerber daisy that she had purchased at the market. She expertly balanced the tray as she opened the door to Jamie’s room. “Breakfast is served,” she said cheerily as she entered.

She struggled to sit up as her face curled up into a delighted grin. “That’s so sweet, Ryan! I just can’t believe how thoughtful you’re being.”

“You were really in a bad way last night, Jamie. And I feel a little responsible for it. I feel like I should have better prepared you for the types of calls we got, or at least asked them to give us easier calls.”

“No way, Ryan,” she said as she shook her head. “This is just me. There’s no way you could have known that I had a tendency to pass out under stress. I should have warned you,” she admitted. She took a bite of the toast and closed her eyes in pleasure. “Thanks for making this. It’s just perfect for my sad little tummy.”

Ryan was still quite concerned about her and peppered Jamie with questions about her health, as the now ravenous woman diligently worked away at her breakfast. “How many times have you passed out?” she inquired.

“I would say it’s happened to me 4 or 5 times.”

“How old were you when it first happened?”

“I don’t know, but I think I was in high school,” Jamie replied. “I do remember that I had been studying for a big test and I felt sick to my stomach and I just went out.”

“Have you ever mentioned this to your physician?” Ryan continued.

“Yes, I did. I had to have a physical before I was admitted here and she asked me if I had ever fainted. She didn’t think it was a big deal.”

“When it has happened before did it last as long?” Ryan asked, still concerned.

“I’m not sure how long I was out. I think it’s usually just a few seconds,” she replied.

“I would estimate that you were out cold for a total of 10 minutes. I was really worried about you. I was wrestling with the decision of whether to take to the hospital,” she admitted.

“I’m sure I’ve never been out that long. Maybe I should call my doctor.”

“You said that you felt funny at lunch yesterday. What did you mean?” Ryan asked.

“I just felt queasy all morning. Actually I’ve been feeling a little off for a while. Maybe I’m not getting enough sleep or something.”

“Um…I don’t want to upset you but is there a chance that you might be pregnant?” Ryan asked gently.

Jamie’s face was drained of all color in less than a second. Ryan could see her hands grip the edges of the tray so tightly that her knuckles turned white. Her eyes were wide and Ryan was very concerned that she would pass out or throw up again. After she sat for a minute in shocked silence, she tried to answer but couldn’t find her voice.

“I’m gonna take that as a yes,” Ryan said as she raised her hand to gently stroke Jamie’s cheek. “I’m sorry I brought it up since it’s obviously upsetting you but if it’s a possibility you really should be seen by your doctor.”

She pushed the now empty tray away from her lap and let her head fall back against the pillows. “Please God, make it not be true,” she begged. “I don’t know what I’ll do if I’m pregnant, Ryan,” she said with a terribly pathetic look on her face. Ryan sat closer and wrapped her arms around her tightly.

“Don’t worry about it, Jamie. Let’s get you dressed and go to your doctor. They can give you the results in just a few minutes…then you can put your mind at ease. Do you want to call Jack and have him go with you?”

“No, no, I really don’t. Won’t you go with me?” she asked, looking like a frightened child.

“Of course I will. I’ll call the doctor and make sure they can see you. Do you have the number handy?”

“Yeah, I have her business card in my wallet.”

Ryan found the number and instructed Jamie to get dressed while she went downstairs to make the call. She didn’t want Jamie to hear her cancel her 1 and 2 o’clock clients or to hear what she said to the doctor so she hoped it took her a few minutes to get ready.

“Hi,” she said when the receptionist answered. “I’m calling for Jamie Evans. She had an episode last night where she was unconscious for almost 10 minutes. She also vomited numerous times. She can’t rule out that she’s pregnant so she’d like to come in for a pregnancy test and to have the doctor look at her if possible.”

“Well, the doctor is only in the office for another hour today. She’s at the hospital all afternoon. Could she get here quickly?”

“Yes,” Ryan said confidently. “We can be there in  hour.”

Jamie came down just as Ryan was canceling all of her clients for the afternoon. She knew that she wouldn’t be able to leave her if Jamie was pregnant so she decided to be cautious. “We’ve got to rush,” she told her. “I promised we’d be there in  hour.”

They dashed out of the house and quickly got onto the relatively clear freeway. Luckily they were on the road right between the morning rush hour and the heavy traffic that occurred around lunch time. They didn’t talk at all on the way down. Jamie was going over every possible scenario that could occur if she was pregnant; Ryan was just concentrating on driving fast enough to get there but slow enough to avoid a ticket or an accident.

When they pulled up to the charming 2 story brick building that held her physician’s office Ryan pulled over to the curb to let her out. “I’ll park and be right in,” she reassured her. Jamie looked hesitant, but Ryan insisted that she get in before the doctor left.

Ryan found a spot only 2 blocks away. She ran all the way back to the office and was pleased to see that Jamie had already been shown to a room. The waiting room was empty and she started to sit down to read a magazine when the door opened and a nurse beckoned her in. “She’s in room 3,” she said as she pointed Ryan toward the room.

“Does she want me with her?” she asked in shock.

The nurse looked at her like she was slow. “How else would I have known to come get you?” she asked with a slight smile.

Ryan just shrugged and walked down the hall to the examining room. Jamie had already taken off her clothes and was sitting on the examining table with just a green paper gown on. She looked small and scared and very cold. Ryan immediately stood right next to the table and wrapped her in her arms, not caring who saw them. Jamie seemed very grateful for the comfort and she nestled her head right into Ryan’s neck. “I already gave them a urine sample,” she mumbled. “They’re doing the test now.”

After a perfunctory knock the door opened and a very young looking doctor entered. She looked a bit surprised to see Ryan but she recovered quickly. “Hi Jamie,” she said with a friendly smile. “I hear you’ve had a tough day.”

“Yeah, pretty tough,” she agreed. “This is my friend, Ryan. She was with me last night, so she can answer any questions that you might have since I was so out of it.”

“Hi, Ryan,” she said as she extended her hand. “I’m Alison Aiken.”

Ryan shook her hand and stepped back out of the way as Alison started to examine Jamie. She positioned herself so she was close to Jamie’s head, but far enough away so that she couldn’t see the more intimate part of the exam. Alison checked her blood pressure and took her temperature and then she drew a vial of blood to run some tests Next she asked Jamie to lie down so she could perform a pelvic exam. Ryan felt a little uncomfortable but Jamie clearly wanted her here, so she stayed right where she was.

“Have you had any adverse reactions to the new pill, Jamie?” Alison asked.

“No, I haven’t had any side effects from it,” she said. “But I haven’t been on it for a full month, so it might be too soon to tell,” she admitted.

“Have you been using condoms?”

Jamie blushed deeply as she admitted, “Usually. But there were two times where I had sex without one. Both times were on the same weekend, about 3 weeks ago.”

“The date of your last period was…” she looked on Jamie’s chart and checked her watch to confirm the date. “30 days ago,” she concluded.

“Yeah, I should have gotten my period 2 days ago, but I thought the new pill could have messed me up a little.”

“Hmmm,” Alison said as she stripped off her latex glove and tossed it away. “You can scoot up now,” she said as she lightly patted Jamie’s leg. “Everything seems normal. But it’s too early for me to detect much if you were pregnant. Tell me about your symptoms.”

“I’ve felt a little lethargic for a month or so. My sleep has been off a little bit too. I’ve been queasy in the mornings for about a week.”

Alison was staring at her intently as she listened to her description of her symptoms. “Are you urinating more than normal?”

“No, no difference.”

“How do your breasts feel? Any tenderness?” she asked as she lightly palpated them.

“Yeah, they’re tender but they always are before my period.”

“Tell me about last night,” she asked.

“We were volunteering at a crisis line and we got a call from a young girl who was raped and tried to commit suicide. The call went on for at least  hour and I was tenser than I’ve ever been by the time the paramedics got there. I started to pass out but Ryan got my head between my knees and I felt better. But as soon as we got in the car I started to throw up. I’m not sure how long I threw up but eventually we got home. I’m not sure about anything after that,” she admitted.

Ryan piped up to continue the story. “She passed out briefly in the car but she came to pretty quickly. She vomited several more times before I could get her out of the car and as soon as we got in the house she fainted again. She was out a long time…much longer than I was comfortable with…I’d say a total of 10 minutes.”

“Hmmm, that is a long time,” she mused. “Any other symptoms? Have you changed your eating habits or your activity level?”

Jamie started to say no, but Ryan butted in. “Yes she has. She’s decided to ride in the AIDS ride this year and I’m training her. She rides 50-75 miles a week and she works out 3 days a week with weights. She also works out on a stairclimber or an elliptical trainer 3 times a week.”

“I’m a little concerned about your weight, Jamie. I notice that you’re 10 pounds lighter than the last time you were in. How have you changed your diet to accommodate your increased activity?”

“Umm, I haven’t?” she admitted weakly.

Ryan butted in again. “Could you recommend a sports nutritionist for Jamie? I don’t think she has very good eating habits.”

“Yes, I know someone in the East Bay who could help you change your diet. Let me run some tests on your blood. I’ll have the results by Friday, okay?”

“Okay,” Jamie agreed.

“I’ll be right back,” Alison said as she opened the door. “You can get dressed, Jamie.”

As Ryan handed her the neatly folded garments she said angrily, “I should have my certificate revoked!”

“What?”

“It’s criminal that I didn’t notice that you had lost 10 pounds! That’s my responsibility, Jamie. I’m really sorry that I let you down.”

“You didn’t let me down, Ryan. It’s all my fault. I knew I was losing weight but I didn’t say anything or make any adjustments to my eating. I thought it was really neat to be underweight for a while. I usually gain weight around the holidays so I figured it would all even out.”

“I guess it’s not as obvious with you because I see you so often. It’s hard to detect a change when it comes on so gradually, but I’m still really mad at myself for not noticing it.”

“Ryan, you don’t see me naked and I’ve been wearing looser clothes to work out in. I didn’t want you to see that I was losing weight. It’s really my fault and I’m sorry.”

The doctor knocked as she came in again. “You didn’t want to be pregnant did you?” she asked with a smile.

“God no!” Jamie shouted.

“Then I have good news,” she said with a grin. “You are officially not pregnant.”

Jamie threw her arms around Ryan’s neck as she broke into tears. Alison just nodded to Ryan and backed out of the room quietly. Jamie cried for a few minutes as Ryan rubbed her back. She finally lifted her head and said,” Thank you so much for being with me today. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

“I’m glad I was able to be with you. That’s what friends are for, Jamie.”

***

When they were back in the car Jamie looked a little embarrassed as she said, “Was it okay to be in the examining room with me? I mean I know I should have asked you first, but I just didn’t want to be alone.”

“Of course it’s okay. I’m honored that you trust me enough to want me to be with you. But I was a little surprised,” she admitted. “You seemed so embarrassed last night.”

“Oh, I’m just a big baby sometimes. I slapped some sense into myself last night though. I’m gonna try to be more relaxed about my body. It was kinda weird when she was asking me about having sex, though,” she admitted.

Ryan patted her now relaxed hand and said, “It’s okay Jamie. It’s perfectly natural to have sex with your fiancé.”

Now Jamie blushed deeply. “I know; it’s just embarrassing to talk about it.”

“Now you know how I felt when you saw me practically having sex in public,” Ryan teased.

“There was nothing practical about it Ryan, you were having sex,” she teased right back.

Ryan shot her a little grin as she quickly changed the subject. “Tell me about your typical daily caloric intake.”

“I have no idea what I take in,” she admitted. “I just try to eat when I’m hungry.”

“What do you usually have for breakfast?” Ryan inquired.

“Usually a latte’, sometimes a biscotti,” she replied.

“Okaaaay, what about lunch?”

“I usually get a salad from the Student Union.”

“Do you eat anything between breakfast and lunch?” Ryan asked.

“No, I almost never eat between meals. And before you ask I usually make soup and a salad for dinner.”

“That sounds like you’re eating less than 1000 calories a day!” Ryan nearly shouted.

“Ryan, you told me at the beginning that I needed to eat right. I guess I just ignored you,” she admitted.

“Well, you’re not going to ignore me anymore. I’m going to watch you like a hawk. And I’m going to weigh you at the gym every week. If you lose another pound you’re moving in to my house. Da will fatten you up in no time!”

“Speaking of eating, do you want to have dinner together on Friday?”

“Um, sure,” Ryan said as she shook her head slightly at the abrupt change of topic. “I don’t have any dinner plans. Where do you want to go?”

“My house. I want to cook for you to thank you for taking such good care of me last night. What’s your favorite food?”

“Well, you certainly don’t have to do that, Jamie. You’re my friend…and my duty as your friend means that I take care of you when you need my help.”

“I know that Ryan, but I want to do this. Now spill it!”

“My favorite food—no restrictions?” she asked with a familiar look of satisfied contemplation on her beautiful face. She leaned her head back and closed her eyes. She cocked her head just a little and met Jamie’s amused gaze, “Lasagna,” she said with finality.

“Lasagna it is,” Jamie agreed happily.

***

When they reached the O’Flaherty home Jamie gave Ryan a broad smile as she said, “Thanks again for being there for me. I just realized that today is Wednesday and you missed all of your clients. Can I pay you back for that?”

“Yes,” Ryan said quickly, surprising Jamie a bit. “You can go home and make yourself a nice dinner with the things I bought from the store this morning. Then you can call the nutritionist and make an appointment. After that you can take a long nap and pamper yourself for the rest of the day. If you do all of that we’re even,” she grinned.

“You’re the best friend I have, Ryan,” she said softly as she gave her a gentle smile.

***

After she left the City she stopped at her favorite gourmet grocery store to buy the ingredients for Bolognese sauce. Luckily the store carried her favorite Italian cookbook so she could double check the ingredients.

Once home, she began to make the sauce. She spent a good hour prepping the vegetables and then began to cook. The sauce took her 3 hours to make, but it was delicious. She put some on spaghetti for her dinner, along with a basil, tomato and montrachet salad that she sprinkled with olive oil and balsamic vinegar. Is this good enough for you Dr. O’Flaherty?

At around 9:30 the phone rang. Ryan’s deep voice asked, “Did you speak to the nutritionist?”

“Hi, Ryan, yes I dutifully followed your instructions. I’m meeting with him on Monday. And I’ve eaten so much today I could burst,” she laughed.

“Was this your first pregnancy scare?” Ryan inquired a trifle tentatively.

“Yeah, it was,” Jamie said. “And I certainly hope it’s my last.”

“One more reason to be thankful I’m a lesbian,” Ryan teased. “I’d probably have 10 kids by now if I was straight.”

“Well, you do seem to have a few things in common with bunnies,” Jamie laughed.

“You’re just lucky I can’t reach you from here,” Ryan replied threateningly.

“Where are you anyway? It sounds loud.”

“I’m at a bar in Oakland. I’ve kinda got a date waiting for me so I’d better go.”

“Okay, you little rabbit. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” she teased.

“Don’t count on it, Jamie. They don’t call it the luck of the Irish for nothing,” she said as she hung up.

***

“Now, you’re sure you’re up to this?” Ryan asked for the third time.

“Yes, Ryan, I’m sure. Tuesday was just an anomaly. I’m much better prepared for the types of calls we can get, I’ve eaten, and I feel perfectly fine.”

Ryan was still concerned, but she trusted Jamie to be able to assess how she felt. She had already decided to tell the operator not to give them any really rough calls if possible.

When they arrived Yvonne greeted them with concern. “Are you feeling alright, hon?” she asked Jamie solicitously.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Jamie assured her. “That was just a series of factors that combined to knock me out. I’ll be fine tonight.”

They sat in the little cluttered office after Ryan again tried her best to neaten it up. She got Jamie’s headset ready and signaled the operator to start putting calls through. After an hour Ryan insisted that they take a break. As they stood outside in the cool night air Ryan asked if she wanted to take some calls. “Oh, I don’t know, Ryan. I’m still a little freaked from Tuesday, ” she admitted.

“If you want to, I’ll talk to the operator and ask her to give you some easy calls. She will do that if we ask.”

“I’m willing to try, but will you promise to take over if I ask you to?” she finally agreed.

“Absolutely,” she replied without hesitation.

***

“Gay and Lesbian Teen Talk Line, this is Jamie. How can I help you?” she asked a little nervously.

“Hi, this is Carrie. I’ve got a problem that I can’t figure out. Can you help me?

“I’ll certainly try, Carrie. Tell me about it,” Jamie replied.

Carrie was 16 years old and was attracted to her best friend. She knew her friend had been sexual with another girl, but Carrie didn’t know if she should pursue her friend. She wasn’t sure what it would do to their friendship and she was afraid of being labeled gay.

“Tell me about your friend,” Jamie asked.

“She’s my age and we go to school together. She’s real cute and really nice to me. She goes out with boys but she told me about one time when she went down on a girl.” Jamie blushed as Ryan caught her eye and gave her a little eyebrow wiggle. “We do almost everything together. She’s a lot of fun and she makes me laugh all the time,” Carrie explained.

“How do you feel when you’re with her?” Jamie inquired.

“It’s kinda hard to explain. I guess things just feel right when we’re together. My stomach gets all tingly when I know she’s coming over.”

“Have you had any boyfriends?” Jamie asked.

“Not really boyfriends, but I’ve gone out with guys,” she replied.

“Did you ever really, really like a guy?” Jamie asked patiently.

“Yeah, one guy at school, last year. We went out a couple of times, but he dumped me.”

“How did you feel about him? Did it feel anything like you feel for your friend?”

“No, not really. I liked him and everything, but it didn’t feel like it does with Lori.”

“Have you had sex with any guys yet?” Jamie asked.

“No, I haven’t had sex. I don’t want to until I’m sure about a guy. Wow, I’m really impressed! I thought every 16 year old girl had lost her virginity. “I’ve given guys blow jobs, but that’s all,” she said proudly. Oh brother.

She turned to Ryan who was grinning broadly. Jamie stuck her tongue out at her and continued on gamely, “Do you think about having sex with your friend?”

“Yeah, I think about it all the time. I think about how she would feel and what it would be like to kiss her and stuff,” Carrie replied.

“Hmmm,” Jamie thought for a moment, and finally replied, “You know Carrie, it’s possible to have very complex feelings for your friends. Some of those feelings might be sexual. But just because you have that feeling doesn’t make you a lesbian. Actually, sometimes it’s hard to tell if your feelings are really sexual or just a desire for closeness. It’s possible that you just want to feel even closer to Lori and you think that sex is the way to do that.”

“I don’t know,” Carrie replied suspiciously, “I think I really wanna have sex with her.”

Another glance at Ryan earned another lascivious wink.

“Has she given you any indication that she would like to have sex with you?” Jamie asked.

“No, not really. We hug and stuff but that’s about all.”

“Imagine that she came over to your house tonight and you had sex. How do you think you would feel tomorrow?” Jamie inquired.

“I think I’d feel good…” she replied, “But I’m afraid that I’d feel gay.”

“What does that mean to you, ‘to feel gay’?” Jamie asked. “Do you think your friends or your parents would be different to you if they thought you were gay? Or is it how you feel about yourself?”

“I guess I’m afraid of what the other kids at school would say if they found out,” she admitted.

“Do you think that Lori is someone you can trust? How many people did she tell that she had sex with another girl? Jamie asked.

“I think I’m the only one who knows. None of our other friends have ever mentioned it.”

“Okay, I think I’ve got enough information to give you my opinion,” Jamie said after a moment. “It sounds like you really care a lot for Lori. It also sounds like you are really interested in pursuing a sexual dimension to your relationship. But your privacy is very important too, and you’re afraid that your friends will give you a hard time if they found out.”

“Yeah, that’s all true,” Carrie agreed.

“Do you really feel that you need to make a decision right now?” Jamie asked.

“Um, no I guess I don’t,” she admitted.

“One option is to continue to play with your fantasies. You could be a little more open to Lori with your feelings in general. Then if she feels the same way, she may approach you. That might take some of the pressure off,” Jamie said.

“Okay, I think I could do that,” she agreed tentatively.

“Another option is to tell her that you are confused by your feelings for her. You can tell her that you feel that things are changing in your relationship and ask if she feels them too. If she says no, you’re not as vulnerable as you would be if you made some physical overture that she didn’t like.”

“Yeah, I like that idea a lot. That one feels right” Carrie said confidently.

“But there is one thing I want you to remember,” Jamie said firmly. “Are you listening?”

“Yeah, I’m listening,” Carrie replied seriously.

“Having feelings for another woman does not make you a lesbian. Acting on those feelings with one woman, or several women doesn’t make you a lesbian. Your sexual orientation might not be clear to you until you’re in your 20’s or even later. Nothing that you do now has to be permanent. You’re still developing your sexuality; so let yourself develop at your own pace. Got it?”

“Got it. Thanks a lot!”

Jamie hung up and looked over at a beaming Ryan. “Jamie,” she asked ingenuously, “Do you think I’m a lesbian?” she said as she batted her eyes.

“No, I think you are a brat!”

***

They took another short break for Ryan to heap compliments on her blushing friend. “I can’t believe what a good job you did!” she enthused. “You were right there with her. I know you reached her and your advice was so perfect!”

Jamie beamed at these heartfelt compliments. “I must admit, our class has really helped me see sexuality in much broader terms than I did before. When I was her age I would have thought that having feelings for a woman would brand me forever. Now I know it doesn’t.”

Ryan looked right into Jamie’s green eyes with a quizzical expression as she cocked her head slightly. Jamie felt completely exposed as she imagined that her friend saw all of her secrets. Ryan looked like she wanted to ask a question but Jamie quickly looked away and said brightly, “Let’s go do another!”

***

“Gay and Lesbian Teen Talk Line, this is Jamie. How can I help you?”

“Hi, this is Star. I’ve started having sex with my boyfriend and another chick and I don’t know how to make sure we have safe sex. Is it okay to go down on her after he comes inside her?”

Jamie sat with her mouth slightly open and a completely stunned expression on her face. She felt the phone being taken from her hand and heard Ryan answer smoothly, “No, Star. You can’t safely do that. HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases can infect his semen. Whether it’s in his penis or her vagina, it’s just as dangerous.”

“What can I do to her?” she asked.

“HIV is found in semen and blood and vaginal secretions. The safest thing to do is to use a barrier between her vagina and your mouth. You can get free latex barriers called dental dams at the Free Clinic. If you get caught in a bind and can’t get a dental dam you can cut open a condom. A lot of women really like how it feels, too.”

“Yeah, right,” she scoffed.

Ryan’s brow knit as she insisted. “That really is true, Star. I’ve been having sex with women for almost 6 years and I practice safer sex every single time. And I’ve got to tell you, I have a great time even with dental dams.”

“But how great is the risk?” she insisted.

“It’s impossible to say, Star. You’d have to know someone’s complete sexual history and the sexual histories of all of their partners to know if you’re safe. I have a lot of sex and I’ve never had an S.T.D. I figure that a little inconvenience is not as much trouble as sitting in a 4 hour line at the Free Clinic for penicillin shots.”

“Okay,” she relented. “That covers going down on her. What else can I do?”

Isn’t that enough!!? Jamie shouted to herself in indignation.

“Do you ever use sex toys inside each other?” Ryan asked.

“Yeah, sometimes. Is that cool?”

“Not unless you put a condom on each toy every time you use it. If you insert something into anyone take the condom off and put on a new one before you insert it into someone else. And never move a toy from your anus to your vagina without changing the condom. I assume you know that your boyfriend should be using a condom every time you put his penis inside your body.”

“Even for blow jobs?” she asked incredulously.

“Even for blow jobs,” Ryan replied gravely. “I know that guys don’t want to do it, but it really can be dangerous not to. If you put just a dab of water based lubricant in the condom before you roll it on, it makes it feel better.”

“What can I do without latex,” she muttered.

“You don’t need latex to touch each other with your hands and there are some great vibrators out there.”

“What about kissing?” Star asked, clearly afraid that nothing was safe.

“Go for it,” Ryan said. “There is a very small risk, but a girl’s gotta have some fun,” she said with a twinkle in her eye.

***

After the call Jamie hung her head. “I feel like Mary Poppins in a leather bar,” she moaned. “I can’t believe how little I know, or how little I’ve experienced,” she admitted.

“Hey, Jamie, there’s nothing wrong with taking sex seriously. I think it’s really great that you found someone to be monogamous with. Don’t be ashamed of that.”

“I’m not ashamed. I just feel so naive. These kids are 4 or 5 years younger than me and they’ve done tons more than I have.”

“So, the guys you’ve been with have been a little conservative. What’s wrong with that?”

“Guy,” Jamie corrected her, as she blushed.

“What do you mean?” Ryan asked tentatively.

“I’ve only had sex with one guy, just Jack. And I mean my definition of sex, not Carrie’s,” she laughed.

“I think that is adorable, Jamie”, she replied sincerely. “He must really feel special that you share your sexuality with only him.”

“I don’t know if he feels really special. He wasn’t particularly happy that I made him wait for so long. I think at times he would have preferred it if I was the town strumpet.”

“How long did you make him wait, if I can ask?”

“Till this past summer,” she replied with a bigger blush. “June 15 to be exact.”

Ryan nodded her head and looked a little at a loss for words. Finally she merely uttered one, “Wow.”

***

The rest of the night went very well. Jamie began to get over her hesitancy and she was even able to get through most of the calls without blushing. On the way back to her house she asked, “Latte’ for the road?”

“Sure,” Ryan replied easily. They stopped at Sufficient Grounds and found a small table near the window. “So,” Ryan began, “Tell me how you’re feeling.”

“I feel pretty good. “I’ve really cranked up the calories and I think it’s helping already. My stomach is back to normal so I think I’m ready to start working out again.”

“I still want you to take tomorrow off,” Ryan said firmly. “You need a few days to get your strength back after being as sick as you were.”

“Okay, doc, I’ll stay home and get your dinner ready,” she said with a smile.

“Can I ask you something pretty personal?” Ryan asked tentatively.

“Sure, I don’t have any secrets from you,” she replied.

“Why were you so devastated when you thought you might be pregnant? I mean, I could see why if you weren’t in love with the guy, but you are. And you’re getting married in a year and a half. So what’s up?”

Jamie sat in silence for a few minutes. She was obviously thinking so Ryan didn’t interrupt. She finally looked up and said, “I’m not sure I know. But it felt absolutely horrible. I felt just like I would have when I was 16.”

“That’s kind of odd, don’t you think?” Ryan continued. “I also wondered why you wouldn’t tell Jack. Shouldn’t he be involved?”

“I don’t know,” Jamie admitted. “It just didn’t feel like something he could be helpful with. I mean I know he loves me but he’s not very good at the emotional comfort thing. I think he would have been upset…probably with me…for having sex without a condom.”

“Are you on the pill now?”

“Yeah. But I had trouble with the first two types I took. I got breakthrough bleeding with one and the other made me terribly nauseous. So I had to wait a month before I started this new one. Alison told me to use a condom during the transition but we got carried away once and he snuck up on me early in the morning the other time,” she said as she looked down at the table in embarrassment.

Ryan slid her hand over and patted Jamie’s. “I’m sorry if I’m prying. I’m just a little worried about you.”

She gave her a broad smile and replied, “It’s okay. I know I’ve got some issues that I have to work out with Jack. I guess I just want to make sure that we don’t start our family until we get them resolved. I think we have quite a few years of growing up before we’re ready.”

“I think you’re awfully mature for a 20 year old,” Ryan revealed. “But having kids is a whole new world.”

Chapter 7

Jamie rushed home after her morning classes and dove into her work. She didn’t cook elaborate meals very often, but she really enjoyed doing so when she got the chance. She actually enjoyed making something difficult a lot more than just making an ordinary dinner, especially when she was feeding someone who really enjoyed food…and she didn’t know a soul who enjoyed eating more than Ryan.

Methodically, she assembled all of the ingredients that she would need. She placed them on the counter neatly and then organized all of her utensils. Next she got out her stainless steel pasta machine and began to make dough. Her mother had taken her to a tiny little restaurant in Bologna where she had the most extraordinary lasagna imaginable. She was terribly pleased to find the recipe in an Italian cookbook and it was now the only kind of lasagna she would eat. Jamie remembered that they had used green noodles so she decided that she must also.

She began to clean the fresh spinach, and when she was finished she wilted it quickly. She took the wilted spinach and gently dried it as much as possible with a thin kitchen towel. After chopping it coarsely she set it aside.

Next she went to a small dedicated baking counter in the corner of the kitchen. The counter was made of a dark green marble and was set 4 inches lower than the rest of the counters. She mounded 1 1/2 cups of flour and scooped out a hollow in the center of it. She broke two eggs into the hollow and added the chopped spinach. She beat the eggs with a fork, as though making an omelet, for about a minute. She began to draw some of the flour over the eggs, just a little at a time, until the eggs were no longer runny. Discarding the fork she began to work the mass with her hands. She worked the dough until the ingredients felt fully integrated. After washing her hands again, she tested it by pressing her thumb firmly into the center of the mass. After her thumb came out clean, she put the dough aside and cleaned the work surface.

Now came her favorite part. Sprinkling a little flour on the marble she began to knead the dough. She pushed the mass forward with the palm of her right hand, then she folded it in half, gave it a half turn and repeated. She continued in this fashion, always turning in the same direction. After about 8 minutes of steady work the dough felt as smooth and supple as a babies’ bottom.

Satisfied that the dough was perfect she clamped the heavy pasta machine to another part of the counter. After adjusting the rollers to their full width she inserted the handle. Then she cut the dough into 6 roughly equal parts. She rolled each little piece through the rollers, one piece at a time until all six had been slightly flattened. She then ran each strip through another two times, folding each in thirds after each pass through the machine.

She had cleared all of the counters and spread kitchen towels on them in preparation and now she lay each flattened strip on a separate towel. She closed the rollers a notch and repeated the entire operation until the towels were covered with very long very thin strips of green dough.

Now came the hard part. She stuck each strip into a large pot of boiling water for mere seconds, then scooped it out and dropped it into a bowl of ice water. After several strips were in the ice bath she removed them one at a time and ran cold water over them. Then she delicately wrung them dry, treating them rather like fine lingerie. She lay each strip back onto its respective towel to dry.

Well that was a quick 2 hours, she thought as she looked at her watch. Ryan was coming over at 5 and she felt like she just had enough time to finish the lasagna and the desert and wrap a few little presents. But first she ate an apple and a few pieces of cheddar cheese, just as Dr. O’Flaherty had ordered.

She began to prepare a Béchamel sauce, slowly stirring the milk, butter and flour together until it was smooth and luxuriantly creamy. Ohhh, that looks perfect!

Now she was ready to assemble. She took out a large enameled cast iron lasagna pan and smeared the bottom with the béchamel sauce. She lined the bottom of the pan with a single layer of green noodles, cutting them to fit, edge to edge with just a tiny overlap. She took the warmed Bolognese meat sauce that she had prepared on Wednesday and mixed it in with the béchamel She then spread this mixture in a thin layer over the first layer of noodles, sprinkling it with a bit of grated Reggiano Parmesan to complete the first layer. She repeated this process until she had 9 layers of pasta and sauce. She had just enough sauce left to spread a thin layer on the topmost noodles. She again sprinkled Parmesan on the top and added a few thin pats of butter at various strategic locations.

She stood back to look at her creation with satisfaction. Not bad for a WASP, she thought with pride.

Now comes the true test of my prowess, she thought. She put 6 egg yolks into the bowl of her Kitchen Aid mixer. She added 3/4 cup of granulated sugar and beat the yolks until they were a beautiful pale yellow and formed soft ribbons.

Next she put 2 cups of very fresh milk in a saucepan and added the peel of half of an orange. She heated the milk until it reached a slow simmer. She then added the hot milk to the eggs, running it through a fine strainer as she did so. She stopped periodically to run the mixer again, being careful to thoroughly beat the mixture together. Finally, she added a tablespoon of Grand Marnier, and stirred it well.

She put the whole mixture into a saucepan set on a medium flame and beat it with a whisk for a couple of minutes, making sure to not let it reach a boil. She took it off the heat and set it to chill in the refrigerator.

Her next task was to clean the enormous mess she had created. When she had done most of the dishes the custard was chilled. She put it into her electric ice cream maker to freeze and let the machine do all the work.

By now it was 4:45 and she knew Ryan would be on time. She flew around the house and assembled her wrapping paper, tape and scissors. The last little gift was just barely finished when the bell rang. As she dashed over to the door she quickly hid the small presents and ran her hands through her hair to order it.

She was greeted by a broadly smiling Ryan who leaned over to give her a hug. They had recently begun to hug each other when they hadn’t seen each other for a few days. Jamie felt very comfortable with the increased intimacy, and found that she missed the contact on the rare occasions Ryan didn’t offer it. She was a bit surprised today only because they had seen each other earlier at class.

“You certainly look happy,” she told the beaming face.

“You are cooking, aren’t you?” she asked logically.

“Yes, I most certainly am,” she replied.

“Then I am most certainly happy,” she stated with an even bigger grin. She leaned over again and gently brushed her thumb across Jamie’s cheek a few times. Holding her hand up close to her eyes she nodded her head and thoughtfully said, “Flour.”

“I get a little wild when I cook. God knows what’s hiding in my hair!” God, one smile from her and I would cook like this every day. The world is lucky that she uses that smile for good, and not evil.

“It smells very good in here,” Ryan stated as she twitched her nose reflectively. “I smell something sweet. Do I get dessert, too?”

“Yes, you get dessert, too. I don’t believe in making a partial thank you dinner.”

“Far be it from me to turn down a special meal, but you don’t owe me any thanks, Jamie,” she stated sincerely. “We’re friends, and I take my friendships very seriously. You were really out of it on Tuesday and I felt responsible for you. I know you would do the same for me.”

“Well, conceptually you are right, Ryan. But I was thinking about that night and I don’t remember walking on my own volition at any time after that phone call.”

“You walked to the car, but I had to carry you in.”

“And did you not also carry me up that huge staircase?” she asked, already knowing the answer.

“Yeah, I had to. You were about to go out again and I couldn’t leave you on that little sofa. I was afraid you would fall and hurt yourself. I thought your bed would protect you better.”

“Okay, now let’s switch roles. Where would we be if you had passed out that night?”

“Um, still lying on the floor of the building, I guess,” she admitted with a twinkle in her eyes. “It would take two men and a strong boy to pick me up.”

“My point exactly. My spirit would be willing, but my flesh is weak. So the bottom line is that I’m very thankful not only for your friendship, but your big muscles are awfully nice to have around too.”

“So you’re just replenishing all of the calories I expended, huh? I guess that does seem fair,” she grinned. “I will admit though, I wished we had the Range Rover that night.”

“Why’s that?” Jamie asked, a trifle confused.

“I had to power you up from a deep squat to get you out of the car. I’m gonna have to do some more work on my quads if I’m going to continue to pick you up off the floor,” she teased as she slapped her ample thigh muscles.

“Maybe you shouldn’t try to get my weight back up. It might be to your detriment.”

“I think I would rather make sure you don’t get that stressed out that badly again,” she replied as she slipped her arm around Jamie, and they wandered into the kitchen together.

Ryan offered to help with the last of the dinner preparations. Jamie set her to work on setting the table and choosing some music. Ryan bustled around the large kitchen, finding out for herself where everything was kept. She was just about finished when Jamie asked,” How do you feel about anchovies?”

“I feel very kindly toward them, so long as they lie still while they’re being eaten,” she replied with a laugh. She walked up behind Jamie and enthused, “Ooooh, Caesar salad, my favorite.”

“Ryan, I swear that almost everything you eat is your favorite,” she admonished her.

“Well it is,” Ryan gamely defended herself. “I have tons of favorites, but what I choose to eat at any particular time becomes my favorite. Caesar salad is my favorite Italian style salad, particularly when served with anchovies and followed by lasagna.”

Jamie gave her a narrowed glance as she asked, “How much time do you spend thinking about food?”

“A lot,” she admitted. “Okay, a whole lot,” she amended when she caught Jamie’s dubious glance. “Food really is the highlight of most of my days. An hour or so before lunch I start thinking about what I will have. I do the same at dinner. It really gives me a great deal of pleasure.”

“I guess the pressure is really on me to perform then, huh?” Jamie asked.

“Nope. Not at all. You get tons of points for the effort even if the execution isn’t perfect. Where do you get your recipe for lasagna, anyway? Is it a family secret?”

“I come from a family of diners, not cooks. My mother could probably make a peanut butter sandwich, but I’ve never actually seen her do so,” she admitted. “And come to think of it, I’m certain she would never eat peanut butter, so it really would be a lost exercise.”

“Are you really being serious?” Ryan asked as she stopped in the middle of the kitchen and stared, absolutely dumbfounded.

“Completely,” Jamie replied. “I have never eaten a meal that my mother prepared for me. Come to think of it, I wasn’t even breast fed,” she laughed.

“Not even tea and toast when you were sick?” Ryan asked.

“Nope. I had a nanny who took care of me when I was sick. My mother didn’t really get involved in the day to day caretaker stuff.”

“God, Jamie, I find that so hard to believe!” Ryan was truly shocked.

“Well, it’s true. Our relationship has always been friendly and pleasant enough, but distant. She traveled and spent time on her hobbies, but child rearing wasn’t really one of them,” she admitted.

Friendly?? Pleasant?? What kind of words are those to use for your relationship with your mother?! “So how did you learn to cook?” Ryan asked, trying to change the depressing subject.

“We had a great cook, named Marta. She’s still with us as a matter of fact. She’s from Spain but she can cook anything. She does a lot of Northern Italian cuisine because that’s my mother’s favorite. But she can also do classical French and some great spicy Spanish dishes for my father and me.”

“Did you just watch and learn?”

“No, she was a really good teacher. She knew I was interested and she spent a lot of time with me, teaching me the fundamentals. My mother found it odd that I wanted to spend my time chopping vegetables into julienne, but she didn’t mind much as long as I was entertained. Actually, Marta was one of the best teachers I ever had. She didn’t have any children and we spent a ton of time together just talking and hanging out.”

Ryan was enormously saddened to hear her friend speak of this emotionless upbringing. The thought of young Jamie having to get her parenting from the hired help was just too much to consider. She tried to change the subject again. “So, you know my favorite food, what’s yours?”

Jamie turned thoughtful as she finished tossing the Caesar salad. “I think my favorite is a good steak and pomes frites from a French bistro. I have had some extraordinary meals at Chez Panisse,” she named a local Berkeley institution. “Have you been there?”

“No, but Conor has. He said he liked it, but the portions weren’t big enough. Not that that is surprising!” she laughed.

“I think we are ready to eat. Hungry?” she asked needlessly.

“I was hungry when I got here. But smelling that lasagna cook has put me into a whole new classification of hunger. It’s beyond famished…bordering on starvation, I believe.”

“Then have a seat and get ready. I’ll take the lasagna out so it can cool for a minute.” She went to the oven and pulled out the pan, using hot pads. Ryan did not sit down as instructed, but trotted right behind Jamie, looking over her shoulder, mouth watering.

“God, Ryan, you look like a hungry wolf with a wounded animal in its sights,” she said of Ryan’s intense gaze.

“That’s exactly how I feel at the moment,” she replied, never taking her eyes from their bubbling target. “I think I’m willing to risk the burns to my mouth to eat that right now,” she threatened as she leaned over her prey.

But Jamie grabbed her by the shoulders and turned her firmly around to face the kitchen table. She gave her a little push and said firmly, “Sit. Now.”

Ryan complied, grumbling the whole time. “Would a Caesar salad placate you for a few minutes?” Jamie asked, taking pity on the poor creature.

“I suppose,” she moaned as she let out an aggrieved sigh.

Jamie filled two salad bowls and deposited them on the table. Ryan dug in and in moments her face became a study of various levels of pleasure. She started at mere happiness and by the fourth bite had progressed to ecstasy. “My God, this is good,” she moaned from her state of bliss. “You have ruined me for life, Jamie. All other Caesar salads will be but pale imitations. I’ll never be satisfied with another!”

“Then you’ll just have to come here when you need a fix,” Jamie replied, terribly pleased at the effusive compliments.

Ryan mopped up every bit of dressing with a piece of crunchy Italian bread. “Is it considered rude to lick the salad bowl?” she asked.

“There is just a tiny bit left, but I don’t want you to be too full for your entrée,” Jamie warned.

“My physiology is just like a cow,” Ryan informed her. “I have six stomachs, all in different stages of digestion. I’ll just put the entree in another stomach.” She was already on her feet, moving toward the salad bowl. As she passed the cooling lasagna, she leaned down and gave it a hearty sniff. “You’re next,” she growled.

Jamie laughed heartily at her antics. Ryan was so full of life, so immersed in the pleasure of whatever she was involved in that it was impossible not to enjoy being with her. Jamie thought of all the women that Ryan had been with and felt a little sorry for them. She knew how much they must crave further contact, and how few of them got that wish. She considered herself very lucky to be able to be close to Ryan and receive so much of her time.

Ryan was polishing off the remnants of the salad right from the serving bowl. She used more bread to capture every bit of dressing and every tiny green leaf that tried in vain to escape.

“I don’t think I have ever met anyone who enjoys food as much as you do. You just seem so immersed in the whole experience. It’s fun to watch!”

Ryan’s face grew serious. “Honestly, that’s my whole philosophy of life, Jamie. I try to be fully involved in whatever I’m doing. The simplest task is made beautiful if I’m fully in it. When I eat I try to feel it with every sense. I try to really taste and smell the food. That’s why I love to eat with my hands. I love the feel and the texture of food. I love to look at food before I eat it. I love the colors and variety of textures. I even really enjoyed the crunch the croutons in the salad made.” She grinned up at Jamie from a slightly embarrassed smile. “I know that sounds kinda nutty, but that’s how I approach life.”

“That is the least nutty thing I’ve ever heard,” Jamie replied. “You’re really teaching me a lot about savoring life, Ryan, and I want you to know how grateful I am for that,” she said simply.

“I didn’t realize that Jamie, but I’m glad it’s helpful for you. I made up my mind when I was a teenager that I wasn’t going to let life pass me by. I knew that every day we have is a gift and I intend to make the most of those gifts.”

“Well, speaking of gifts,” Jamie said as she rose and walked to the counter, “Happy Birthday, Ryan.” She lit the candle that she had placed in the lasagna and carried the large pan to the table. She leaned over her shoulder and gave her a small kiss on her flushed cheek.

Ryan was truly stunned. “How did you know?” she asked delightedly. “I’m sure I didn’t tell.”

“No you didn’t, you big dope. And I’m a little miffed I had to find out from Conor.”

“You know, you’re right Jamie. I should have told you. I usually spend the day with my family and sometimes I forget to include other people. I kind of hate to have a big deal made out of it, but I should have included you. I’m really glad that Conor told you.”

Jamie served up a steaming plate of the lasagna and Ryan took a hearty bite. She was silent as she closed her eyes, deep in concentration. Jamie could just imagine each of her senses kicking in, feeling and tasting and smelling the delectable bite.

“If I didn’t believe in God before today, I would now. This,” she waved another forkful of the dish at Jamie, “is a clear sign that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”

“I’m so glad I could make you something that you enjoy so much,” Jamie replied as she tried to control her beaming smile.

“I have eaten lasagna at least 200 times in my life. I order it every time it’s on the menu. But I can truly say, I’ve never tasted lasagna before today.”

Jamie just grinned in response.

They ate in silence for a few minutes to allow Ryan to concentrate. Finally, she looked up from her plate. “I need to know how you made this. There is nothing about this that I recognize, not the noodles, not the sauce, nothing! Most of the time lasagna is heavy and overly rich. This is just so light and delicate tasting.”

Jamie explained the entire process, while Ryan watched her in rapt fascination. Finally she shook her head and locked her clear blue eyes on her friend and asked, “You did that all just for my birthday?”

“Yep. And I’d do it again in a minute to see you enjoy yourself so much,” she replied truthfully.

“Do you cook like this for Jack?” Ryan asked after a moment, a bit off topic.

“I do cook for him, but I don’t think I’ve ever done anything very elaborate. He doesn’t care about food a lot. He thanks me for cooking, but in the same way he thanks me for vacuuming. I think he eats to live, and that’s about it.”

“Well, anytime you need an enthusiastic taste tester, you know where to find me.”

“I’ll keep your name on file,” Jamie replied with a grin

After Ryan had eaten much more than Jamie thought wise, they sat together in the living room with large cups of cappuccino. “Is there anything you don’t cook well?” Ryan asked as she sipped her coffee.

“I’m sure I’ve screwed up my share of meals. I just had a good day,” she replied. “But I must admit, cooking for an appreciate audience is really pleasurable.”

“If I were any more appreciative I’d be on the phone to the Vatican petitioning you for early sainthood,” Ryan said.

“I was thinking about the teen talk line,” Jamie said after a few minutes. “Yvonne said you were the volunteer who logged the most hours. When did that happen, and how did you get involved?”

Ryan was silent for a few moments. She looked down at the floor as she said softly, “It’s a long, sad story. Are you sure you want to hear it?”

“Only if you want to talk about it,” Jamie replied.

“I like to reflect on my life on my birthday. It’s a good way to appreciate all of the gifts I’ve been given. So I don’t mind. But I guess I’ve got to go back to high school to make it make sense. Did I ever tell you about Sara?” When Jamie shook her head, Ryan continued. “She was my best friend all through grammar and high school. It was kind of like the caller you helped the other night. I was totally in love with her. She was my whole world. I have never felt like that about anyone—before or since,” she admitted, her hooded eyes dark.

“I went to an all girls Catholic high school. I knew that I was different from my friends but it didn’t bother me. I thought I was just unique,” she said as she gave Jamie a crooked little grin. “I didn’t ever have a crush on a guy or have any desire to go out with one. Luckily we didn’t have the pressure of having guys around all the time, so the issue was never forced. I honestly never considered that I might be gay, though. I just thought I was…me I thought everyone had crushes on their girlfriends and teachers. I honestly thought everyone scheduled their week around ‘Cagney and Lacey’,” Ryan said with a small laugh at the memory.

Jamie didn’t understand the reference but she nodded to encourage Ryan to continue.

“Anyway, as the years passed I began to feel more than close to Sara. I wanted to be ‘with her’, even though I didn’t really know what that meant or how to go about it. I was really naive when it came to sex. That was one area that Da did a crummy job with. And the boys were certainly no help. It might have been different if I was a little worldlier but my whole universe was sports and Sara. I didn’t watch TV very often or go to many movies or participate much in community events so I was just not clued into lesbianism.”

“You must have been so confused,” Jamie empathized.

“In a way I was, but in another way I assumed Sara felt just like I did. We were so close it was like we shared a soul.” Ryan dropped her head a little, but continued. “I was finding the temptation overwhelming just to touch or kiss Sara. She was all that I thought about. I wanted to let her know how I felt, but I was so confused about what this thing was, that I didn’t feel able to.”

Jamie nodded to encourage Ryan to continue.

“One night I was staying over at Sara’s. We did that a lot. It was the end of my junior year. She was a year older and she had already decided to accept a soccer scholarship at Cal. Her graduation was in a couple of weeks and she was going to go to a soccer camp in San Diego as soon as school was over. I was panicked at the thought of her going away and I let my fear of losing her override my fear of expressing myself.”

Jamie cringed, knowing right where this was heading.

“We got into bed and I started talking. I told her that I didn’t think I could live without her. I told her everything—how much I wanted her, how I dreamed about her, how she meant everything to me. She was kind of quiet, but I thought she agreed. After a minute I reached for her and I kissed her. I had never kissed another person in my life and it was kind of overwhelming,” here she shook her head and stared at the floor.

“I was shaking so hard she must have heard my teeth chattering but I could tell she was nervous too. But God, Jamie,” here she took a deep breath and let her head drop back against her shoulders. “Nothing since has ever felt that good to me.”

“I thought she was enjoying it as much as I was,” she said with a rasp in her voice. “No, I know she was enjoying it. I know it,” she said firmly as she closed her eyes tightly.

Jamie had moved closer to her for comfort. She didn’t touch her, but she was so close she could feel the heat radiating off her body.

“In my fumbling, terrified way I continued on. I don’t know where I got the courage but I got more and more aggressive. I guess all those years of yearning for her propelled me forward. I explored every inch of her body with my hands. After a long time of totally tender touches we began to get more passionate. And it wasn’t just me. She didn’t touch me intimately but she kissed me with so much emotion…” Ryan closed her eyes again stared up at the ceiling. “I can still taste her lips,” she whispered as she shook her head and took in a deep breath. She seemed on the verge of tears but she gathered herself and continued on. “Eventually I discovered what she liked and brought her to orgasm. I cannot tell you how that made me feel, Jamie. I can honestly say that was the happiest moment of my young life. I felt closer to her than I thought possible. I had used my hands and my body to give her such pleasure. She seemed so satisfied, and a few moments later she kissed me with so much love in her eyes. As she fell asleep in my arms, I held on to her with all the strength and the tenderness that I possessed.”

Ryan blew out a big breath and Jamie steeled herself for the inevitable.

“I didn’t sleep much that night. It felt so wonderful to be that close to her. I can’t describe it as anything other than feeling like I was finally home. I watched her sleep and occasionally would give her a light kiss. I was planning our lives together. I decided that night that when I followed her to Cal we would live together and start our lives together,” she smiled sadly at the memory.

“In the morning, Mrs. Andrews came to wake us up. Sara acted very flustered when her mom was there and I figured she was uncomfortable about us getting caught. She came up with some lame excuse and told me she had to go somewhere with her mother. I felt a little funny about it, but I wasn’t really worried. I should have been. That was the last conversation we ever had.”

Jamie sat in the still room with her hand on Ryan’s knee. She knew the depth of the hurt, could see it on Ryan’s face, and hear it in her voice. But she had no words to heal the old pain. Instead, she just patted Ryan’s knee in sympathy and understanding.

“She would not return my phone calls. On Monday at school she would not even make eye contact with me. I honestly almost lost my mind that day. After school I went to her house. Her mom told me that she didn’t want to see me anymore. She asked me to never call their house again.”

“How unspeakably cruel!” Jamie shouted in indignation. “How could she do that to you?”

“Actually that was what made it even harder. I was really close with her mom. She was one of my mother substitutes, but I never saw her again after that day. But I don’t blame her.” She gave Jamie a small grin as she admitted; “I can’t say the same for Da or the boys though. Sara was obviously really upset and I guess her mom didn’t want it to get any worse. Sara must have told her what had happened, because her mom told me that she hoped things worked out for me but that Sara wasn’t like I was. I don’t know,” she said softly. “If my daughter was in the same situation I might have done the same thing.”

“I don’t believe that for a minute, Ryan,” Jamie said firmly. “If you were her mother you would find a way to be supportive of a child that was going through a very difficult time. You would not turn your back on a child that needed you!” Jamie continued to stroke and pat her leg and Ryan finally gave her a small smile.

“It was a terrible time for me. After the loss of my mother this was the worst thing that ever happened to me. It screwed up the way I felt about myself for a very long time. It was the only time in my life that I felt bad about being gay. I believed every bad thing I had ever heard about gay people. If someone as wonderful as Sara and as great as her mother thought I was sick, I assumed that I must be. I started doing some crazy stuff. I started hanging out in The Castro and going to bed with older women. I was almost 17 but I looked older. I would be with anyone who wanted me. But I didn’t really get anything out of the sex. I just wanted the contact. I wanted to be with other freaks like me. But that’s what’s so hard for so many gay kids. We don’t get a chance to develop like straight kids do. Not many of us get to have normal dating relationships. We often go from a crush to having sex like I did. And I realize now how harmful that is for kids. It’s too overwhelming to have your first kiss followed by your first time making love.”

“How did you come out of it?”

“It took a while. The next school year things got quite a bit worse. I’ll save the details for another day. Sara obviously told some people about what I did to her and everyone started to treat me like a freak. I spent the whole year just trying to survive. It was an unbelievably tough year.”

“Didn’t you talk to anyone?” Jamie inquired gently as she continued to run her hand up and down Ryan’s leg.

“After my first semester grades came out over Christmas break Brendan sat me down and said he was worried about me. The boys didn’t know what I was doing, but they knew that I had changed. I never came home drunk when Da was home but he was gone 3 or 4 nights out of the week. Brendan was away at school and Conor and Rory had their own things so they didn’t keep a very close eye on me. Brendan told me that I could tell him anything, and after a good bit of prodding he pulled it out of me. “He was so wonderful, Jamie,” Ryan smiled at the memory. “He was so completely understanding. He really reassured me that there was nothing wrong with me. He said that as I got older I would find lots of women who wanted to be with me. A little while after we talked I made myself tell Da and the other boys. I’ve never asked Brendan, but I think he told them first so they’d be prepared. They were all super. Da told me that I was precious to him no matter who I loved.”

“I’m so glad they were all supportive of you, Ryan. That must have really helped.”

“More than I could have imagined. I didn’t feel like I was bad for being this way any more. My self image got a lot better and I stopped being with people just because they wanted me. Brendan did some research and he hooked me up with the Teen Talk Line. I talked to someone really nice who was very supportive. She told me about ‘Daughters of Sappho’ and some other places that young women could go. After a while I went to the talk line and got trained as a peer counselor. Talking to other kids helped me realize how good things really were for me. By second semester my grades were back up, but I had screwed up at the worst time. My scholarship to Cal was withdrawn and I had to come up with another plan.”

“What did you do?” Jamie asked.

“Conor started taking me to the gym with him and I really got into it. After I graduated I spent the summer taking classes to become a trainer and I worked every possible minute that I could. I had been accepted at the University of San Francisco as my fallback school, but it was really expensive, so I had to work full time to be able to afford the tuition.”

“But why go somewhere so expensive? Couldn’t you have gotten in somewhere else?”

“Getting in places wasn’t a problem,” Ryan assured her. “But I had such a hard time during my senior year that I couldn’t bear to live away from home. I really needed their support that year. Besides, after all of the problems I had in school that year taking a couple of years off seemed really appealing. So I worked for 2 years and I really enjoyed it. I could really focus on what was important to me. In retrospect it was a foolish decision to waste 2 years and have to pay my own way, but I was so heartbroken over not being given my scholarship that I just couldn’t bear to attend Cal. And the thought of seeing Sara around campus was just something I couldn’t risk. After I completed two years at USF I decided that I had sulked long enough and I transferred. It’s where I’d always dreamed of going and I finally decided that I was only hurting myself by not going there.”

“Wow, you sure have been through some hard times,” Jamie said as she patted her back.

“Yeah, but I got through them. And I feel pretty darn good about myself now. I mean, I must be doing something right to merit a friend like you, don’t I?” she said sincerely as she looked over at Jamie with those clear blue eyes.

Jamie just soaked in the words of friendship that Ryan so easily offered. I do not understand why she isn’t in a relationship. It seems so easy for her to open up and show her feelings. Is she really that different when sex is involved?

***

After Ryan had digested enough of her dinner to allow for dessert Jamie led her back into the kitchen. “I hope you like what I made for dessert. I know you say you like everything, but this is a little different,” she said with a smile at Ryan’s interested expression. “The last time my mother and I were in Bologna we had this at the same restaurant that made this style of lasagna. It’s really the prototypical dessert of the region and I thought it would be a perfect compliment to dinner.”

Ryan watched as Jamie took the frozen insert of the ice cream maker from the freezer. She removed two pale green milk glass bowls from the cabinet and scooped the frozen concoction into the bowls. Next she removed some delicate little orange and chocolate flavored cookies that she had purchased from a fabulous craft bakery on the way home from school. As she looked at Ryan she saw her eyes go wide.

“You made ice cream?” she asked very tentatively. “I thought you had to be Ben or Jerry to make ice cream,” she said slowly.

“No, it’s a feat that is easily accomplished if you have a good ice cream maker,” Jamie replied.

“You know, you are the last person in the world who should be underweight. You obviously don’t cook much for yourself,” Ryan observed as she playfully tried to pinch her waist.

“No, I really don’t,” she giggled as she tried to dance out of the way. “I prefer to cook for others I suppose.”

“If you don’t stop saying that you’re gonna find me on your door step every evening,” she threatened. Ryan was focused on her bowl as she took her first big bite of the custard. Her eyes closed and she dropped her head to her chest. Both hands came up and balled into fists as she lightly pounded on the table for a few beats, then looked up at Jamie in wonder. Her hands opened and rose halfway to her face. She shook her hands lightly as she wagged her head from side to side.

Not a word had been spoken, but Jamie knew that she was being lavishly complimented. After every bite Ryan would look at her with a delighted expression of amazement and another little shake of her head. Finally, when her bowl was clean Ryan finally muttered softly, “I have no words.” She shook her head again and looked rather helpless as she said, “If I could have another bowl I’d be forever grateful.”

As her second bowl was presented Ryan predicted, “I’m sure I’ll be more erudite after my second helping.” She dug in again, but was once more totally silent. Her brows knit in concentration and she looked very reflective a couple of times; as if she had a point to make. But she would again shake her head lightly and shrug her shoulders in a small sign of defeat. She regarded her friend once again and admitted, “I just can’t form a cogent thought. I truly want to do justice to that ambrosia but I am unable to come up with a compliment that is representative of my feelings.”

“None needed,” Jamie replied as she gently patted her cheek. “Just watching you eat is the supreme compliment.” As she spoke, she rose and crossed the room to retrieve the hidden presents. She brought the small pile over to a still dumbstruck Ryan who gave her a delighted smile.

“Jamie, you certainly didn’t have to buy me presents after all this!” she protested.

“I know I didn’t have to. But I wanted to. It really gave me a lot of enjoyment to be able to buy you a few little things,” she replied.

“Okay, you win. If you get pleasure out of doing this, then I’m going to shut up and just let myself enjoy it,” she decided as she grabbed the first little box.

Jamie watched her face take on a childlike glee as she shook each box in turn. “I like to guess. Can I?” she asked.

“Of course, birthday girl. You can do anything you want.”

“What I want is for you to be my personal chef,” she said with a grin. “But I’ll settle for opening my presents. She shook a box that was about 9 inches square. This one gave a funny little rumble. “Hmmm,” she mused. The next box was small, about 2” by 3”. A muffled wooden clicking sound emanated from it. The last gift was about 7 inches long and 4 inches wide. It was no more than a quarter inch thick and made no sound when shaken. “I think I’m ready,” she finally pronounced. “I believe there is a common theme?”

“Yes,” came the answer.

“So one box will lead me to guess the others?”

“Most likely.”

“Okay,” she said as she waved the long thin package. “I think this one is a golf glove,” she stated with authority.

“How did you do that?” Jamie inquired, quite amazed.

“Well, you did just buy me one. I remember the shape of the package it came in. And I can detect a leather aroma. See?” she offered the package up to Jamie’s nose.

“Wow, how good is your sense of smell?” Jamie wondered.

“It’s pretty good, I guess. I don’t realize how good it is until I can catch a scent several minutes before anyone else. Sometimes I even beat Duffy,” she said proudly. “And I’m the official smeller of anything suspect in the refrigerator.” She quickly tore open the little package. “Oooh a white one. Now I won’t clash when I wear another color.” She opened the cardboard cover and slipped the glove on. “You remembered my size!” she said with delight. “Thanks, Jamie,” she said as she half got out of her seat and leaned over to kiss her on the cheek.

Jamie knew that she should not feel a flash of pleasure tear up her spine, but she quickly convinced herself that the excitement of watching her friend’s joy had just become contagious.

She tore through the rest of the neatly wrapped presents, correctly guessing the two dozen golf balls and the little box of tees. She had not guessed that the tees were personalized however, and this little detail delighted her to no end. “These are the bomb, Jamie,” she said as she shook the little box. She hopped up once again to kiss the other cheek and Jamie briefly wished that she had wrapped each of the tees separately. “I’m gonna feel like a pro with all my cool stuff.”

Her glee continued when she opened the last little box. It was a small set of ball markers and a divot tool in a gold tone. Each was neatly monogrammed with ‘S.R.O.’ Ryan jumped up and came over to Jamie’s side of the table. She grabbed her hands and pulled her to her feet. “This is all so nice,” she enthused. “I can’t thank you enough.” They stood toe to toe, Ryan’s hands on Jamie’s shoulders, smiling faces locked onto each other. Ryan bent to kiss her cheek just as Jamie turned her head slightly. Their lips brushed just a tiny bit, no more than a quarter inch. The kiss was way beyond chaste but Jamie felt a jolt of feeling shoot down her spine and she had a much more difficult time explaining this one away.

Ryan didn’t seem to notice her reaction as she wrapped her in her powerful arms for a generous hug. But Jamie felt her body noticeably stiffen in the middle of the embrace. She pulled back and watched Ryan’s face close as she backed away. Just then the kitchen door opened and Mia walked in.

“Wow, what smells so good?” she inquired brightly. “Hi Ryan, Jamie”.

“Hi, Mia, ” they both replied, nearly in unison.

Mia walked over to the pan of the now cooled lasagna. She grabbed a knife from the drawer and carved off a piece. She stuck the whole big bite in her mouth and mumbled around it, “This is great. Did you make this?” she pointed at Jamie.

“Yeah, I did,” Jamie replied.

“What gives?” Mia asked as she looked at the gift laden table. “Is it your birthday or something, Ryan?”

“Yep, it sure is.”

“That’s cool. Happy birthday,” she said as she surprised Ryan by walking over to her and giving her an awkward hug.

“Thanks. It has been a very happy birthday so far,” she conceded as she grinned at Jamie.

“Oh, that reminds me,” Mia added. “Jamie tells me that you’ve got available time on Monday, Wednesday and Friday afternoons. I think she has started to look great, and I don’t want her to get too far ahead of me in the looks department,” here she shot Jamie a grin. “Would you be willing to work with me?”

“Absolutely, Mia. Do you know what my rates are?”

“Yeah, Jamie told me. That’s not a problem. Can we start on Monday? I want to look good for this summer when I go to L.A.”

Ryan marveled at the financial freedom these women had. Dropping $375 a week on a whim was not something she could ever imagine doing.

After Mia left Ryan gave Jamie another winning grin as they sat back down at the kitchen table. “You couldn’t stand not to have me get paid for those hours could you?” she asked with a twinkle.

“Nope. You’re gonna be swimming in dough when I get through with you,” she laughed. “Hey, I forgot to ask why you were available today?” Jamie asked. “I figured you’d be with your family.”

“Da had to work tonight, so a bunch of my relatives are coming over for a barbecue tomorrow.” After a moment she looked at Jamie and asked, “Would you like to come? I’d love for you to meet the rest of my family.”

Jamie was very tempted to immerse herself in a whole sea of O’Flahertys. But since Jack had been none too happy about her absence this evening she thought she had better not . “I wish I could, Ryan. But I need to go down to Palo Alto,” she said.

“No big deal. You’ll have plenty of opportunities. Actually, I was a little surprised that you were available tonight. I’ve never seen you spend Friday evening in Berkeley.”

“That’s because you never had a birthday on a Friday evening, silly,” she said as she grinned over at her friend.

“Did you really stay in town just for me?” she asked with a shy little smile.

“Well, yeah,” Jamie replied as if the answer should be obvious. “I was going to have you over next week to celebrate but when I found out you were free on your actual birthday I decided I had to move it up.”

Ryan gazed at her for several minutes, her intense sapphire eyes never wavering from their hold on Jamie’s. “You are so thoughtful and so giving…I hope Jack appreciates you like he should,” she said as she patted her friend’s hand.

“I…I…think he does,” she stuttered as she tried to appear casual. She fought to regain her composure as she said, “My birthday wish for you is that you find someone who truly appreciates how special you are.”

“Thanks, Jamie,” she said as she continued to hold her gaze. “I hope so too.”

“So what are the rest of your plans for the evening?” Jamie inquired, trying to lighten the mood. “Surely you will not be without female companionship?”

“I guess I could be wrong, but you certainly seem like a female to me,” Ryan replied innocently.

“That’s not the type of companionship I mean, and you know it,” Jamie scolded.

“Okay, okay. I did have tentative plans to meet someone later,” she admitted.

“Anyone special?” Jamie inquired lightly.

“No, not really,” Ryan said casually.

“Gee, that must make her feel good,” Jamie chided her now blushing friend.

“That’s not what I meant,” Ryan said, clearly embarrassed. “I just mean, well, you know what I mean,” she looked to Jamie for understanding, but found a blank face instead. “I’m still seeing that woman you saw me with at the coffeehouse. I like her, I really do. I don’t sleep with people I don’t like,” she defended herself. “But I don’t see this progressing very far. It’s just fun.”

“Why?” she asked simply.

“Why?”

“Yeah, why won’t this last?”

“One big reason…and I think it’s a good one,” she replied with a chuckle. “She doesn’t think she’s gay.”

“Really?” Jamie asked, rather shocked.

“Really. Robin has a boyfriend that goes to the University of Washington. He’s actually on the football team so I hope he never finds out about me!” she said with a crooked smile. “I don’t think I’d look good with two black eyes and a few broken bones!”

“Um…doesn’t that bother you at all?”

“What? That she’s bisexual or that I’m cheating with some guy’s girlfriend?”

“Um…either, I guess,” she said hesitantly.

“Well, it doesn’t bother me a bit that she’s bisexual. I think we’re way too caught up on labels for people. And two…she claims that they both date others during the school year. They’re just monogamous when they’re in the same city.”

“Would it bother you if she was really cheating?” Jamie asked, knowing that she was treading in waters where she did not belong.

“Um…I guess it depends. I would never try to get someone to cheat and I would never seek out someone I knew was in a relationship, but I have slept with women who were involved with someone else and it didn’t really bother me. It’s their relationship and if they want to screw it up I feel like it’s not my business. But I will admit I could never be serious about anyone who cheated. If they do it to someone else they’ll probably do it to me.”

“Yeah, I can see that would prevent you from trusting someone,” Jamie agreed. “So it doesn’t bother you a bit that she has a boyfriend?”

Ryan pursed her lips and gave the question some serious thought. “Well, I guess if I’m completely honest there is one thing that bothers me. I don’t mind that she has a boyfriend but it does bother me that she doesn’t really want to be seen in public with me.”

“WHAT? She’s ashamed of dating you!?”

Ryan gave her a delightfully crooked grin and said, “That outraged tone was a very nice compliment, Jamie. Thanks for the props.”

“Well, really, Ryan,” she scoffed. “What kind of idiot wouldn’t want to be seen with you?”

“Well, I think her concern is that she doesn’t want her boyfriend to find out about me. He doesn’t know that she dates women,” she advised.

“Ohhh,” Jamie replied with a slight head nod. “So he doesn’t know she’s bisexual.”

“Correct.” Ryan stood and extended her hand to Jamie. “Enough of this serious talk,” she said with a wide smile. “I think it’s time we went to our respective lovers and had some fun!” As they walked to the door Ryan started to sing an old Stevie Wonder song, “We are strangers by day, lovers by night. Knowing it’s so wrong. Feeling so right!”

Jamie gave her a hard bump with her hip as they neared the door. “You get a lot of pleasure out of being bad, don’t you?”

“Go with your strengths!” she said with a confident leer.

“You are incorrigible, Ryan.”

“Well, I certainly hope so,” she replied with a grin.

***

When Jamie walked into Jack’s apartment a little before 10 p.m. the look on his face said more about his displeasure than she wanted to know. “Hi, Honey,” she called out in greeting as she placed her overnight bag on the floor.

“Hi,” he replied, barely looking up from his book.

“Did you have dinner? I brought you some lasagna,” she offered.

“Yeah, I made myself a sandwich,” he said without elaboration.

“Is everything okay, Jack?” she asked, even though she absolutely did not want to know.

“Sure, why wouldn’t it be?” he coolly replied, again not lifting his head to look at her.

She was already sick of this act so she turned the tables on him a bit. “No reason,” she said with a sweet tone. “I’m going to get ready for bed. Be back in a minute,” she said lightly as she passed by and kissed his cheek. She could feel his eyes burning into her as she walked down the hallway but she refused to goad him into talking if he didn’t want to.

She brushed her teeth and washed her face, both with a leisurely pace. She stripped off her clothes and put on one of Jack’s Tshirts, then picked up a novel by Djuna Barnes that she had to finish by Monday.

As she walked back into the living room she asked if he needed anything while she was up. He definitely muttered something under his breath, and it sounded like ‘a full time fiancée, but she acted as though she had not heard a word even though she was seething inside. She gave him a completely fake smile and sat down on the end of the couch to read. Just to piss him off she put her feet up on his lap and refused to let his cold disregard penetrate her outer demeanor. Luckily, her novel was mesmerizing and she was fully engrossed for almost two hours. True to his always stubborn form Jack did not loosen up one bit. He did not touch her in any way and he completely ignored her feet on his lap.

At around midnight he stretched and announced flatly, “I’m going to bed.”

She couldn’t have passed a polygraph test on the issue but she ‘inadvertently’ dug her foot into a sensitive place as she lifted her legs from his lap. He grunted a bit but still said nothing. The rigors of the day caught up with her and she decided to turn in also. She turned off the lights and followed him into bed where she expected the tension to remain.

Much to her shock as soon as he got into bed he started to make sexual overtures. Oh, please! You can’t say a civil word to me but now you want to screw me?! And for the first time in their relationship she found herself intentionally trying to hurt him. “Jack, I have something to tell you,” she said in a matter of fact tone.

He lifted his head from her breast with a quizzical look, but still said nothing.

“I had a pregnancy scare this week,” she informed him. She honestly had never seen an erection deflate quite so quickly. He shot up into a sitting position and stared at her with a look of pure horror.

“What happened? Why? What…” he stuttered.

“I haven’t been feeling well for over a month and I’ve been queasy in the mornings. But on Tuesday I passed out and that made me take action,” she related, leaving out every pertinent piece of information.

“What….Where…?”

“I went to my doctor on Wednesday and she gave me a pregnancy test. Obviously it was negative,” she said without further elaboration.

“Where is your doctor?” he finally got out.

“Palo Alto,” she said with a small smile, knowing that he would be hurt to find out that her doctor was 3 minutes from his campus.

He gave her a look of total disgust as he said, “And you didn’t call me to go with you? Need I ask who did?” he added with a snarl.

“Maybe if you tried really, really hard you could be more self centered,” she said with yet another false smile. “I’m feeling sick for a month, unable to eat in the mornings because of nausea. I faint twice in one night and vomit all over greater Berkeley. I have to skip a day of school to go to the doctor. I find out I’ve lost 10 pounds without wanting to. The doctor takes my blood and runs a bunch of tests to determine God knows what. But I can see that your most pressing concern would be who took me to the doctor!” she snapped.

“You have the nerve, the unmitigated gall to bust my chops and try to make me feel sorry for you!” he shouted. “How the fuck can I feel sorry for you when I don’t know any of this!! I’m your fucking fiancé Jamie! And you don’t tell me that you’ve been sick, you don’t tell me that you’re losing weight and you don’t tell me that you pass out! How in the fuck can I feel bad for you!!”

He leapt from the bed and started pacing in a straight line, back and forth across the carpet. He was becoming more agitated by the minute and Jamie was almost afraid of him. In 3 years she had never even heard him raise his voice, much less curse at her.

“I can only imagine why you didn’t tell me about your pregnancy scare,” he growled. “You and your buddy would just decide what to do about it. You two could have gone behind my back to abort my child!!” Now he stopped abruptly and stared at Jamie with cold fury, but when he saw the frightened look on her face every bit of his anger evaporated. He looked like he had been punched in the solar plexus as his shoulders dropped along with his head. All of the fire, all of the spark were just….gone. He came back to the bed and sat on the edge, facing away from her. He looked like a thoroughly defeated man, and as mad as she was Jamie felt sorry for him. She crawled over to him and put her arms around him from behind. He stiffened at first but as she murmured into his ear he began to relax.

“I would never do that Jack. I would never, ever abort a child, especially yours. I love you, I don’t want to hurt you,” she whispered.

He pulled her arms from his neck and got fully onto the bed. His last words were, “No matter what your intent is, you’re hurting our relationship, Jamie. You need to make some choices.”

***

They kept a very cool distance in bed. She was a bit dismayed to wake up at 7 and find him gone. There was a note on the kitchen counter that read, “Law Review deadline on Monday. Be back late, Jack.” Well, that says it all, she thought glumly. No, ‘love, Jack’, no ‘I’m sorry’, no ‘I’ll call you later’.

Jamie booted up his computer and his printer. She sat down to compose her thoughts and then began to write.

Dear Jack,

I’m sorry that I hurt you last night. I didn’t mean to upset you. I know that I should have told you what was going on with me, but I didn’t. I don’t know why I didn’t but I will try to figure it out.

Something is bothering me, and I need some time to work it out. If I stay here this weekend I know I’ll be angry that you’re gone. So for both of our sakes I’m going home. Feel free to call me at home or on my cell phone. If you don’t feel like talking today or even for a few days, it’s okay.

I’m not angry with you, Jack. I know you’re really busy and I don’t want to make things any harder for you. Whatever is bothering me is about me. So don’t worry. I’m sure I’ll feel better soon.

I love you,

She printed off the note and signed it. After a few minutes of just staring into space she picked up the phone and dialed Ryan’s pager. When she didn’t get a return call immediately she got in the shower and spent a long time letting the hot water clear her mind. She was just finishing drying her hair when her cell phone rang.

“Jamie?” asked the deep voice.

“Hi, Ryan. I didn’t wake you up did I?”

“Heck no, Duffy and I were running on the beach. He won, of course, but we still had fun. What’s up with you at this time of day?” she inquired.

“Is that invitation to your party still open? I’m unexpectedly free today,” she stated the partial truth.

“Absolutely. I’d love to have you,” she replied easily. “Are you okay? You sound kind of down.”

“I am, but just a little. Jack’s tied up all day, but I didn’t learn about it until this morning. I just don’t want to sit here alone all day.”

“Well, you’re never alone at the O’Flahertys’,” she replied. “Not even when you want to be.”

***

Ryan gave her all the details of the party and steadfastly refused her offer to bring anything. Jamie signed off and immediately felt better. I’ve known her for 2 1/2 months. She can tell in two sentences that something is bothering me. I’ve been dating Jack for 2 1/2 years and he can never tell when something is wrong. Do I just need more than he is able to give me? Can any guy make me feel understood like Ryan does? Maybe I just want things I can’t have.

She drove onto Ryan’s street at 2 p.m. sharp. She had a difficult time finding a parking spot and finally wound up down the street and around the corner. As she climbed the stairs to the front door she could hear a din of voices. Ryan answered the door and gave her a delighted smile, showing those incredibly white teeth. Wow! Jamie marveled, she looks absolutely fantastic. She mused that she didn’t often step back and just look at Ryan objectively anymore. They had grown so close that she saw her inner self more than her package. But occasionally she just looked at her and enjoyed the wrapper and this was one such day. Her beautiful friend was wearing a black knit silk t-shirt which clung to every curve. Black linen pleated slacks and soft black loafers completed her monochromatic outfit. She looked exactly like Ryan should look, tall; sleek; graceful; athletic; and terribly, terribly sexy. “Hi, I’m really glad you decided to come,” Ryan said enthusiastically as she gave Jamie a big hug.

“You did say 2 p.m. didn’t you?” she looked around the house which was bursting with people.

“Yeah, that’s when we wanted people to come. But in this family they show up when they want to. We’ve had people show up at 9 a.m. for Thanksgiving dinner,” she laughed.

As Ryan guided her into the teeming mass of people, Conor swooped down from his place on the staircase. “My, my, my, don’t you look lovely today,” he said as he looked Jamie up and down. “Isn’t that a gorgeous outfit?” he said to Ryan as he continued to appraise Jamie like a new Ferrari. Jamie was wearing a very slim fitting sleeveless shell of nubby silk in tangerine and gold that just brushed her waistline. Slim fitting slacks of the same material showed off her trim legs. A silk knit sweater in the same tangerine was draped around her shoulders. Delicate leather woven loafers in a dark tan graced her feet.

Jamie blushed a little as the two siblings conferred. “Yes, Conor, I would agree that Jamie looks marvelous today, ” Ryan said with a big smile, “But I’ve yet to see her look less than lovely,” she added with a twinkle in her deep blue eyes.

Conor boosted the wattage of his smile and asked, “Have you been given a proper tour of our home, Jamie?”

“Um, not really,” she replied warily. “I just saw this floor and Ryan’s room,” she admitted.

“Ryan’s manners are so atrocious, sometimes,” he scoffed as he gave his sister an aggrieved little shake of his dark head. “Please allow me to make up for her faux pas,” he stated as he held out his arm to escort her.

She giggled at his exaggerated gallantry and gamely took his arm. As he led her off she turned to give Ryan a little wave. Ryan had narrowed her eyes in mock anger, but quickly broke into a smile.

Conor escorted her up the staircase that rested at the rear of the small living room. He did not stop to introduce her to the many people that they climbed over and she noted with a smile that they all continued their conversations as though they did not notice the interruption. They walked carefully up the stairs to the 3rd floor. This floor consisted of two good sized bedrooms and one small bath in between. He pointed out a room filled with instruments cases, open luggage and clothes strewn about.

“Rory’s getting ready to go on a bit of a tour,” he explained. “He and the band are leaving tomorrow for a month.”

“Really?” she inquired. “Where is he going?”

“I believe they’ll just be on the west coast,” he replied. “He does a lot more traveling in the summer. They’re playing in Ireland and Scotland this summer as a matter of fact.”

“I would really love to hear him play,” she admitted. “By the way, Ryan says you all play an instrument. What is your specialty?”

“I spent most of my youth playing the fiddle and the bouzouki,” he replied. “But now I spend most of my practice time playing the mandolin.”

“I have no idea what a bouzouki is,” she admitted. “But I know a mandolin when I see one. Do you practice often?” she inquired as she turned from Rory’s room to face him.

“I play for enjoyment more than I do to become more proficient. I usually play for an hour or so in the evening. It really relaxes me after a day pounding a hammer. ” He touched her arm lightly at the elbow to lead her into his room. “Would you like to hear a bit?” he said with a grin, as he walked over to his instrument lying on a small table by his bed.

“I would love to,” she enthused as she sat down on the edge of his bed. Conor picked up the carved wooden instrument and tuned it for just a minute. He adjusted it against his body and began to play a lovely haunting melody. Jamie was not familiar with the piece, but it was eerily beautiful and Conor played it with a depth of emotion that truly astounded her.

When he was finished Jamie sat transfixed for just a moment. She slowly said, “I can’t tell you how beautiful that was Conor. Thank you for sharing it with me.” She stood and touched his arm in a friendly gesture.

Come to Papa, he thought to himself. I’m not gonna let you have this one Ryan. She’s staying on my side of the river.

After the short tour was complete they began to make their way down the stairs. Ryan was sitting on the 3rd step, leaning casually against the wall with her long legs effectively blocking their path. “Did our house just get a lot bigger or did you show Jamie the roof?” she asked sweetly.

“No, the house is the same. Jamie was just interested in my mandolin, and I played a bit for her,” he replied casually.

“Um hmm,” she replied suspiciously. “Well, I’ve been working on my atrocious manners while you were gone, and I realized that Jamie has not been properly introduced to the rest of the clan,” she said as she removed Jamie’s hand from Conor’s arm and placed it on her own. “I plan to rectify my error immediately,” she gave Conor a twitch of her long black hair and moved off with her friend firmly in tow.

“You two never stop do you?” Jamie asked her with a giggle.

“No, we don’t, ” she admitted with a little embarrassed grin. “We’ve always been competitive. I guess you just stick with familiar patterns as you grow up. But it’s funny,” she reflected. “We all played together growing up but only Conor and I were ever really competitive with each other. It really doesn’t make sense but that’s the way it worked out.”

As they moved through the house Jamie mused that when she was with Ryan and her brother they treated her like some prize they were fighting over. Ryan seems much more aggressive when Conor’s around. And it feels a lot more like she’s flirting with me, she thought. No, that’s not it, she corrected herself. She’s not flirting…she acts like she’s already won! She actually acts like I’m her little prize. Hmm, that would piss me off if Jack did that. I wonder why it doesn’t bother me in the least when Ryan does it? she mused.

They maneuvered through the small house and eventually broke through the crowd in the kitchen to reach the tiny porch that overlooked the small back yard. There were about a dozen men in the yard, all gathered around two big Weber kettles. Ryan began to point them out. “I thought I would give you an overview before I boggle your mind with introductions,” she explained. “This is the male side of Da’s family,” she said as she indicated the men gathered on the lawn. “That’s my Uncle Patrick,” she indicated a man slightly smaller than Martin, but just as handsome. “That’s my Uncle Francis,” here she pointed to an equally handsome but slightly older looking man who was very muscular and brawny looking. “And that’s my Uncle Malachy,” she indicated the youngest and best looking one of the bunch. He looked just like a slightly older Conor although he was not quite as tall as the younger man.

“Wow!” was all that Jamie could say.

“Now for the next generation.” She ticked off her cousins one by one. “Uncle Patrick has Niall, Kieran, Colm and Donal,” she indicated each of the dark haired men in turn. “Declan, Dermot, Liam and Padraig belong to Malachy,” she said as she pointed them out. “And Frank, Sean, Seamus and Brian are Uncle Francis’ boys.”

“Is anyone in your family less than gorgeous?” Jamie finally uttered as she shook her head in amazement.

“Ummm, what do you mean?” Ryan responded with a little blush.

“Do you mean to tell me that you don’t know how beautiful everyone is your family is?” she asked in bewilderment.

“Ummm, well, ummm, no, not really,” she finally replied. “I guess I never thought about it,” she said as she fidgeted a bit in obvious discomfort.

“You never thought about the fact that your uncles and cousins and brothers all look like Calvin Klein underwear models?” she had to laugh at Ryan’s perplexed expression.

“Well, no, I never did,” she finally said. “Looks are not a big deal in my family. I mean, I know that we’re not exactly ugly,” she said with a grin, “but we were never encouraged to feel good about ourselves because of how we looked.” She looked thoughtful for a moment before she continued, “Da always told us to never feel proud or ashamed of your gifts or liabilities. He said that what you did with those gifts and how you overcame your liabilities was all that mattered. Everything else was just genetics,” here she shrugged her broad shoulders slightly and looked to Jamie for comprehension. “He also told me to be very suspicious of someone who spent a lot of time complimenting my looks. He said if someone was very focused on the outside of me they wouldn’t have any time to look at the inside.”

“That is a wonderful view of the world. It’s very different from how I was raised, but I like it a lot better,” she grinned in appreciation at Ryan.

“Were looks a bit deal in your family?” Ryan asked with concern.

“Not just looks, although that was important, but appearances were the big thing for us,” she replied. “You know, wearing the right clothes, being seen with the right people, driving the right car. That sort of thing.” She grew thoughtful for a long moment. “I’m going to try to adopt your philosophy for my children,” she told Ryan sincerely.

“You can thank Da for that bit of philosophy,” she replied. “Speaking of Da, I know he wants to see you,” she said as she guided Jamie down the stairs to the gaggle of O’Flaherty men.

Ryan’s immediate family had joined the outdoor crowd and Jamie was warmly welcomed by each man. She was properly introduced to each of the uncles and cousins next. She received a friendly greeting from each and a few polite questions about her background and after a bit they left the men to continue tending to the barbecues.

The return trip was more difficult than the outbound had been. Rather than try to negotiate the interior staircase Ryan led her out the front door, down the stairs and past the two car garage to a door on the ground floor. “This way is easier today,” she announced as she produced her key chain and unlocked the frosted glass paneled door. Jamie’s head was spinning when they entered Ryan’s room after a short trip down a narrow hallway that took them past the length of the garage. “I don’t think I can remember one person’s name,” she moaned. “There were so many of them. And they look so much alike!”

“Well, there are two sets of twins,” Ryan said matter of factly.

“Two!?”

“Yeah. Sean and Seamus and Declan and Dermot are twins.”

“At least I’m not totally losing my mind,” she laughed.

“Do you really want to remember them all?” Ryan asked with a puzzled look.

“Yeah, of course I do. Will you go over them again and quiz me?”

They knelt at the head of Ryan’s bed and looked out the big windows at all of the assembled men. After 4 or 5 tries Jamie had them all pretty well sorted out. “Okay, Ryan. I want you to lean over and quiz me all day. That’s the only way I’ll learn. But it might help if you wrote them down for me too. I remember things better when I see them.”

“I’m not sure that will help you,” she advised. “Take Padraig for example. How would you spell that?”

“I guess it would be Poric?”

“Nope. P-a-d-r-a-i-g.” She smiled as Jamie tried to get her mind around the odd spelling.

“Are they all that bad?”

“No. I’d say Kieran, Padraig, Niall and Siobhan are the worst of the bunch.”

“I don’t believe you’ve told me your mother’s name,” Jamie asked softly.

“Fionnuala,” Ryan replied even more quietly.

Jamie placed her hand on Ryan’s shoulder and forced eye contact. “It’s beautiful,” she said sincerely.

Ryan was totally charmed and touched by how interested Jamie was in her family. After they completed a few more rounds of ‘guess the cousins’ she pronounced Jamie ready to meet the rest of the family. “You need to meet the O’Flaherty aunts and the Ryans. “But don’t worry,” she reassured her, “there are far fewer of them, and their names are more American,” she teased.

“If there are fewer of them why is your house so crowded?” she asked in amazement.

“Oh there’s people from our parish here, some of my aunts families are here and even a few neighbors. But I’m not even going to introduce you to any the ancillary people. It’s hard enough just to get the key players memorized.. especially given the difficult names.”

“I must admit, I’ve never heard so many Irish names in one place.” She paused a moment to reflect. “You’ve never told me about how your family came to America. I mean, were your parents born here?”

“Not hardly,” Ryan replied with a laugh. “As a matter of fact, I wasn’t born here.”

“Are you serious?” Jamie was shocked. She assumed that most Irish people were 3rd or 4th generation Americans even though she had to admit that Martin’s accent was far from American.

“Quite,” Ryan replied. “But that was a bit of a fluke. My mother came to this country in about 1965 or so. She met my father and they married a couple of years later. The boys were all born here, but when she was 7 months pregnant with me her mother in Ireland became very ill. She felt like she had to go home even though it must have been hell on Da to be left with 3 little boys. And I suppose it was pretty bad for her, too, having to travel that far when she was huge with me. After she was there for a month I surprised everyone by arriving almost a month early.”

“So are you an Irish citizen?” Jamie asked, not sure of citizenship requirements.

“Actually, I have dual citizenship. They boys could have it too, and Rory went through the process, but Conor and Brendan don’t have much interest.”

“So your father was born here?” Jamie asked.

“Correct, but with an explanation,” she teased. “He and all of his brothers were born here. Their parents had immigrated during World War II. But after the war my grandfather could not keep a job because of all the returning vets, so they eventually went back home. I think they left here in 1950 or so.”

“So is your father a citizen?” Jamie asked, still a little confused.

“Yes he is. But my mother was illegal. She was just here on a tourist visa which had long expired when she met Da. His brothers still tease him that she married him only for his citizenship status.”

“I never thought of Irish people being illegal aliens,” she mused.

“Last time I checked we were the 2nd largest group of illegal aliens in this country,” she admitted. “But we look like Americans and people are charmed by Irish accents so there is very little prejudice against us anymore.”

“That’s pretty neat that you are an Irish citizen, though. Could you move there if you wanted to?”

“Yeah, but I don’t see that happening. I feel totally American,” she said as she gave a little salute. “Even though I’ve spent a ton of time in Ireland I’m always ready to come home.”

“What happened with your grandmother? Did she die?” Jamie asked tentatively.

“Nope. She’s still kicking—along with my grandfather. She’ll be 80 next year and my grandfather will be 85. They’re both pretty spry,” she said affectionately.

“Do you have many other relatives there?” Jamie asked.

“Yeah, my father has tons of cousins and a few uncles and aunts still living around Tralee. And my mother’s younger sister Moira still lives in the town they grew up in. Aunt Moira and her husband James have 4 kids, Aisling, Cait, Brenna and Cormac.”

“More Irish names and I bet I couldn’t spell one of them,” Jamie teased.

“Yes, you could use a good course in Gaelic just to hang out with my family,” she admitted. “But speaking of family let’s go meet the rest of them.”

It took nearly 20 minutes for Ryan to introduce Jamie to her Aunts Eileen, Deirdre and Peggy. Each woman attentively asked Jamie about herself and her family but something caught Ryan’s eye and she pulled her away from the small group of women. “You must meet my favorite relative,” she said as she wiggled an eyebrow and led Jamie through the growing mass of people and finally found the prize that Ryan had been searching for. “There she is!” Ryan said with delight as her eyes locked onto the object of her affection, a pair of equally delighted green eyes.

Ryan held out her strong arms and a tiny face beamed up at her. The cutest baby that Jamie had ever seen clearly knew who she wanted to be with. She continued to squeal until Ryan had grasped her firmly in her arms. Both beautiful faces wore broad smiles that made Jamie’s heart melt.

“Is this the most perfect child you have ever seen?” Ryan asked in a tone that brooked no dissent.

Jamie studied the little person. She was very small, maybe a month old, fair skinned with a shock of blond hair. Beautiful light green eyes were framed with long blonde eyelashes that batted at Ryan a bit shyly as she nestled her little head in the crook of her broad shoulder. “I would have to agree with you on that one, Ryan. What is this little beauty’s name?” she asked as she tickled a perfect little foot.

“This is Caitlin,” Ryan pronounced as she gave the precious bundle a kiss on the cheek. “She’s my cousin Tommy’s baby.” She looked around the room for the proud parents. “That’s Tommy, there, and his wife Annie is right there,” she pointed in one direction, then the other as Jamie confirmed the sightings. “But when they’re here, they never get to see Caitlin. We’re always fighting over who gets to hold her. Ryan wins, huh Caitlin?” she whispered conspiratorially into the tiny ear.

Jamie was delighted to see Ryan interact so lovingly with this tiny child. Boy, she would be a good mother. I wonder if she plans on having children?

“You know, Jamie,” she said as she held Caitlin up next to Jamie’s face. “I’ve always thought there was something familiar about the way you look. She looks more like you that anyone else here.”

Jamie looked at the tiny face and then gave another long look at each of the child’s parents. There were little pieces of Caitlin on each face, but neither matched the child quite as well as she did. She looks just like my baby pictures, she marveled.

Various members of the Ryan clan agreed with the assessment. As Jamie was paraded around Ryan would hold the baby next to her face and ask for an opinion. But when she was introduced to the baby’s grandmother, Ryan’s aunt Maeve, the agreement was beyond enthusiastic. Maeve made over Jamie as if she were sent directly from heaven. She looked at her from every angle and finally wrapped her in a big hug and said that Caitlin would be lucky indeed to continue to resemble Jamie as she got older.

To get away from the crowds they decided to go downstairs to play with the baby. She was still a little young to be able to do much but she loved to be talked to and held. They took all of Ryan’s pillows and made a safe little nest for the baby. When they got her settled Ryan lay face down on the bed and rested on her arms as she held up a little rattle. She entertained little Caitlin by holding it up and quickly hiding it in her large hand for several minutes. The baby was having a very good time but after 5 or so minutes she started to slump over even with the generous support so Ryan picked her up to cuddle her again. Ryan continued to gently bounce the tiny baby up and down. After a few moments her little head dropped to Ryan’s shoulder as she grasped small little handfuls of black t-shirt material rhythmically. Ryan smiled down at the still form and kissed her gently on the head.

“Do you want to put her down on the bed?” Jamie asked. “She must be getting heavy.”

“She’s not heavy at all,” she disagreed. “She’s clearly a Ryan. She went to the doctor the other day and Annie said she’s only in the 20th percentile in weight and the 25th in height. Besides, I really like holding her,” she replied a little sheepishly. “I see her a lot, but still, she’s different every time. She’s growing so fast; I won’t be able to do this for long. I really want to enjoy it while I can.”

Jamie approached and patted Ryan softly on the shoulder. “You are such a sweet person. You’re just a mass of contradictions,” she said with a smile. “You look all strong and confident, like a real loner. But you’re such a tender person when you’re with people you trust.”

Ryan replied with just a sweet crooked grin.

“So little Caitlin is a Ryan?”

“Well, technically she’s a Driscoll,” she admitted. “Maeve was married to Charlie Driscoll and they had 3 sons, one of which was Michael. After Michael got sick Charlie just went off the deep end. They wound up separated and they remained so until he died about 2 years ago. It was really hard for Maeve and the boys, but he was just not able to open his mind to his son,” she said sadly.

After a few moments of watching Caitlin sleep Jamie asked quietly, “Do you want to have children?”

“Yes. I do,” she said confidently. “I actually can’t imagine not having them,” she admitted. She paused for a moment, “I’m not sure how I will do it, though,” she added.

“Do you mean technically?” Jamie asked tentatively.

“No, I mean whether I would physically have them or adopt or just co-parent with another woman,” she laughed.

“How would you do it, umm, physically,” she persisted.

“Lesbians have the same parts that you do, Jamie,” she teased.

“That’s not what I mean, and you know it!” she said as she gave her a little slap on the head. “I mean would you um…use somebody that you know? Would you do it the old fashioned way or what?”

“I don’t really have any desire to experience that particular union,” she said with an involuntary shudder. “I would probably either be inseminated from a known donor or use a sperm bank.”

“Would you want the um… donor to have a role in raising the child?”

“That is where it becomes tricky for me,” she admitted. “I would not want to deprive my child of having a wonderful father like mine. But I’m not sure how to do that in a way that makes everyone happy. I must admit, that’s the only part of being straight that I envy,” she teased. “Well, that and the marriage laws.”

“That is one of the perks,” Jamie admitted. “But the downside is that you have to use birth control most of the time.” Jamie made a sour face at this.

“I guess having kids is a big deal for everyone,” Ryan agreed. “What about you? I assume you and Jack are planning to reproduce, although you made it clear you’re not ready yet.”

“Yeah,” Jamie agreed. “I think we both want a few kids. But I want to be significantly older before I do that.”

“What do you want to do before you have kids?” Ryan asked.

“I’m not sure. But I want to do something for myself, like graduate school or maybe I’ll write for a while.”

“I don’t know, Jamie. A little one of these,” here she tipped the sleeping baby toward her friend, “can be awfully tempting.”

***

After a few minutes Ryan offered to go upstairs and fetch some drinks and something to snack on. To avoid waking Caitlin Jamie sat down on the bed as Ryan transferred the precious cargo to her lap. Caitlin stirred just a little as she adjusted to her new home. Her little blonde head was comfortably resting on Jamie’s breast as she slowly moved a perfect little thumb into her mouth. “I see your point about the temptation, Ryan,” she admitted as she gazed down at the baby. “I can feel my ovaries aching already.”

Ryan smiled sweetly as she took in the scene. “I think motherhood would suit you, Jamie. You two look perfect together,” she said with a big smile as she turned to climb the stairs.

***

Ryan had been gone just a minute or two when there was a quiet knock on the door. Caitlin’s grandmother poked her head in and said, “I just wanted to check to make sure you didn’t need anything.”

“Nope. Everything’s just perfect,” Jamie said as she smiled up at the proud grandmother. “I must say, this is one lucky baby,” Jamie stated.

“Well, I do know that she’s loved beyond words,” Maeve agreed as she retrieved a clean diaper from the bag she carried. She placed the cloth on Jamie’s shoulder to protect her blouse as she casually asked, “How long have you and Ryan been seeing each other?”

Jamie knew that her blush was rapidly traveling up to her hairline. “Umm, Maeve,” she finally said, “Ryan and I aren’t together…. in that way,” she quietly stated. “We’re just close friends.”

“Oh dear, I hope I didn’t embarrass you. I’m sorry for making assumptions,” she patted Jamie’s arm reassuringly. “It’s probably just wishful thinking on my part,” she admitted sadly.

“What do you mean?” Jamie asked, her interest piqued.

“I was so pleased that Ryan had brought someone home to meet the family,” she explained. “She’s never done so before, and I just assumed you were someone special to her.”

“She is,” came the quiet voice from across the room. “She’s very special to me.” Ryan was crossing the room now, with a small smile on her face. “Regrettably she’s not my girlfriend, though,” she stated as she shot a grin at Jamie.

Jamie was terribly pleased at this expression of their growing bond. She grinned up at Ryan broadly. “You’re pretty special yourself, kiddo.”

“I’m sorry for jumping to conclusions, Ryan,” Maeve said sincerely. “I just hope that when you do bring someone home, she’s as special as young Jamie here.”

“Regrettably, the odds of that are not good,” Ryan intoned seriously. “Jamie is truly one of a kind,” she said as she watched the blush rise on her friend’s face.

***

After Caitlin woke Ryan changed her diaper and the 3 of them went back upstairs. Jamie was charmed at how Ryan just claimed the small child as her own. The baby was very content to be carried around all day, and Jamie found it cute that most of the cousins teased Ryan about when she would have a child of her own. They certainly seem comfortable with her sexual orientation. But maybe that’s because she seems so sure of herself. It’s hard to be uncomfortable around someone who seems so comfortable with themselves.

Dinner was ready at around 5 o’clock. Martin had roasted a huge turkey and a ham on the barbecues. The aunts had each brought a dish or two and the feast filled the dining room table. Since everyone was now inside the noise was really increasing. Jamie felt her cell phone vibrate from its place on her waistband. Uh oh, that’s gotta be Jack. She briefly debated just letting it ring, but she thought better of it and stepped outside through the front door. She could still hear the muffled din coming from the house, but she fervently hoped that Jack could not.

“Hello?” she said as she answered on the 5th ring.

“Hi,” Jack replied, sounding a little small.

“How are you sweetheart?” she said with surprising warmth.

“I’m okay. Where are you?” he asked.

“I’m back in the city, honey.” She knew that she was intentionally misleading him, but she did not have any intention of continuing the fight. “Are we okay, or are you still mad at me?”

“I’m not mad, Jamie. You’ve just been so different lately, I’m just really confused.”

Jamie was dismayed to hear him sounding so sad. “Do you want to be alone, or would you like me to come back down?” she offered.

“Would you do that?” he asked hopefully. “I really do want to see you, Jamie. I miss you, sweetheart,” he added quietly.

“I’ll be there by 8 o’clock,” she promised. “What would you like me to bring for dinner?”

“I don’t care about dinner. I just want you,” he said wistfully.

***

Jamie didn’t eat much of the celebratory feast. She was working over in her mind how she was going to avoid Jack’s questions about why she was dressed up. I know, I’ll stop at the Nordstrom on Market and buy a new outfit. My pants are all falling off anyway. I could use another pair of jeans until I gain the weight back.

Ryan was watching her as she picked at her food. They were sitting nearly at the top of the staircase that led to the 3rd floor, all of the other stairs already being occupied. The baby was still being held by one strong arm while Ryan tried to get a bite or two of dinner into her own mouth. “Was that Jack on the phone?” she eventually asked.

“Oh, yeah, it was. I think I’m gonna go back down to Palo Alto,” she replied.

“Are you two having trouble?” she asked with concern.

Jamie regarded her for a minute before answering, “Yeah, I guess we are. Things just haven’t been great for awhile now.”

Ryan looked at her with sympathy and said, “If you need someone to listen, I’m always here for you.”

“Thanks, Ryan. I appreciate that more than I can say.” She removed Ryan’s plate from her hand and said, “If I don’t help you out here, you’re going to starve.” She balanced Ryan’s sturdy paper plate on her knees and cut up her turkey into small pieces then she speared bites of turkey and vegetables and fed them to her friend, one at a time.

“I guess this is why it’s so hard to be a single parent,” Ryan stated as she removed Caitlin’s little hand from her hair.

Conor and Rory sat on the other side of the room with a few cousins. Conor leaned over and quietly asked his brother, “So what do you think about Jamie?”

“I like her a lot. She seems like a good friend for Ryan,” Rory replied.

“No, I mean do you think Ryan’s going to make a play for her?” he explained.

“Why do you want to know?” Rory asked suspiciously.

“Because I think she would be perfect for me,” he said smugly.

“I’ll make you a friendly little wager on that Conor,” Rory replied with a glimmer. “If young Jamie is swayed by any O’Flaherty I’m putting my money on Ryan.”

“You’re on, Rory. Let’s make it interesting, say $50,” he said as they shook hands to seal the bet. Rory cast a glance at the pair and watched Jamie carefully feeding his sister. It would be a lot easier for Jamie to just hold the baby while Ryan fed herself, he thought to himself with a smirk. I think my money is as good as won.

***

Jamie had to leave well before the party was over. Caitlin was asleep on Ryan’s chest again and Jamie leaned over to kiss her sweet smelling little head. “I had a great time, Ryan. Thanks for letting me meet your family.”

Ryan pulled Jamie back down by gently placing her hand behind her neck. She kissed her cheek lightly as she said, “Thank you for coming, Jamie. You made the day special for me.”

***

On the short drive to Nordstrom’s Jamie tried to remind herself that it was perfectly normal to feel affectionate with her female friends. But a little voice kept asking, Is it normal to feel tingles down your spine when they kiss your cheek?

She dashed into the store and purchased a new pair of jeans and a fleece long sleeved shirt. She asked the sales clerk to remove the tags and while the clerk rang up the purchase she went back into the dressing room and changed into the new clothes. The clerk put her other outfit in a bag and handed it to Jamie with a little puzzled look.

She arrived at Jack’s just before 8 p.m. She had stopped and bought dinner from a favorite deli. Jack was very glad to see her as he wrapped her in a big hug. He had his face pressed against her neck for a long time. Finally he released her and asked sadly, “Do you still love me, Jamie?”

“Of course I do, Jack,” she said with feeling. “I’m unsure about a lot of things, but I know that I do love you,” she said fiercely. She wrapped her arms around his neck as he bent to kiss her. As they progressed in their intimacy they stumbled toward the bedroom, dinner left to cool on the counter.

Chapter 8

Jamie’s cell phone rang just after 8 a.m. She scrambled out of bed and found the little phone as it rang for the 6th time. “Jamie?” rang out the deep familiar voice.

“Oh, Hi Daddy,” she said as she tried to sound awake.

“Did I wake you, sweetheart?” he asked solicitously.

“No, not at all,” she lied as she walked through the rest of the apartment trying to find Jack.

He was sitting at the computer in his office. He gave her a little wave and a shy grin as he gazed up and down her naked body. Even though they had been intimate for 5 months she still felt a little shy about being naked around Jack when she was just walking around the apartment. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over my shyness, she mused. They had made love for a long time the previous evening. Jamie had never known Jack to be so needy. He caressed her like he was trying to absorb her through his touch. Jamie had enjoyed the tactile sensations, but she was turned off by his insecurities. He had begun to touch her again before dawn, but she had feigned sleep to avoid another needy encounter.

“How about a round of golf this afternoon?” her father asked.

“Hold on and let me ask Jack,” she replied. She was still uncomfortable having her father know that she stayed at Jack’s on the weekend, but he had never commented on their physical relationship, so it must not have bothered him.

She placed the phone on mute and said, “Do you want to play golf with Daddy this afternoon?”

“Yeah, that would be fun,” he agreed. “I feel like I haven’t been outside in weeks. I need to work until noon or so. Is that too late?”

“I’ll see,” she said as she spoke into the phone again, “How about 1 o’clock?”

“That’s great honey, I’ll call and make a tee off time. See you at the club.”

After she hung up Jamie walked over to Jack and gave him a small kiss. “I’m going back to bed,” she said with a smile. “You really wore me out last night,” she said as she patted his cheek.

“Would you like me to help you relax?” he asked as he slipped his hands around her small waist and drew her close. He rubbed his face against her breasts and she giggled as his unshaved cheeks tickled her bare skin.

“No, Honey, I won’t be able to walk if we make love again,” she said with a little blush as she kissed him again.

“You know Jamie, I really like the way you look lately,” he said as he stroked her concave stomach. “Working out has really improved your body. But you are getting a little thin. Are you going to try to put some weight back on?”

“Yeah, I’m going to start working with a nutritionist so I can learn to eat right. I’m using a lot more energy and I need to be able to fuel my body more efficiently.”

Jack looked uninterested in her motivations for change. He placed his hands under her breasts and lifted them slightly. “I just don’t want you to lose any more weight here,” he said with a wicked grin. “These are just perfect.”

“Thanks honey,” she said weakly as she walked back into the bedroom. She fell to the bed and stared at the ceiling for a long time. She didn’t really feel tired anymore, but she was feeling too depressed to do anything else.

I can’t believe that we still haven’t talked about our fight. He honestly thinks that making love solves all of our problems! He didn’t even ask me about my doctor visit. I told him she was running tests, doesn’t he even care if I’m ill? I guess it doesn’t really matter as long as my breasts don’t get small! After stewing for a long while she finally drifted off into a fitful slumber.

***

Jamie was glad to see her father and even happier to have a break from Jack’s attention. He had woken her at around 10, once again trying to interest her in lovemaking. She had finally relented even though her heart was not in it. As he moved over her she had to bite her lip to stop from crying as she thought, I told him I was too sore to do this. But he doesn’t even seem to hear me. I would never ask him to do something that was uncomfortable just for my pleasure. As he began to thrust into her even more forcefully she began to fantasize about turning the tables on him. Maybe I’ll get some of those sex toys that caller mentioned the other night. I’d like to see how old Jack felt about having something shoved into him!

They teed off at around 1:30 after spending a few minutes warming up on the driving range. Jamie had not played since that day with Ryan, but it had been a lot longer for Jack. She was beating him handily and by the 16th hole she was ahead by 8 strokes. Usually he didn’t much care how he played, but today it obviously bothered him.

“Have you been playing much, Jamie?” Jim asked with pride.

“No, not really,” she answered.

“I remember that you used the club on Monday when you brought your friend, but I thought maybe you were playing more frequently in Berkeley,” he said.

Jack was facing away from Jamie, but she saw him visibly tense at this comment. He turned to her and asked neutrally, “Who did you bring to the club, Jamie? You didn’t mention to me that you had played here.”

“I brought Ryan,” she said simply as she prepared to tee off on the 17th hole.

After she hit an impressive drive she turned to Jack and gave him a thin little smile. “Your turn, honey,” she said as she passed by him.

“Who’s Ryan?” her father had noticed that something was going on between the two of them and he was now interested in finding out what it was.

“Just a friend of mine from school,” Jamie replied after Jack had hit a powerful slice that landed on the 3rd fairway.

“A guy?” Jim asked hesitantly, thinking that perhaps this was an issue between the young couple.

“Only partially,” Jack answered his question as he stalked off to find his ball.

Jim and Jamie watched Jack stomping his way across the fairway with shock on both of their faces. “What in the heck is wrong with him?” Jim finally asked her.

“He’s just been in a mood for a while,” Jamie replied neutrally. “I think he’s got too much stress with law review and his class work.”

“What did he mean by that comment?” Jim persisted as he refused to let the issue drop. After Jamie hit her second shot, a nice 5 iron that landed softly on the green, she replied, “She’s a friend from school that Jack doesn’t like.”

“What did he mean when he said she was partially a guy?” he asked.

“Ryan’s a lesbian. And for some reason Jack feels threatened by that,” she finally admitted.

“Hmm,” Jim replied. “That does seem strange,” he finally said.

At least he’s on my side, Jamie thought as Jack finally reached the green. They finished the hole in silence. Not another word was said until they finished up on 18. Jim looked at them both and said, “Let’s go into the Grill. I don’t want you two to leave like this.”

Jack looked a little guilty about his belligerent attitude and Jamie had no reason to refuse, so they agreed. After they were settled with drinks Jim finally broke the silence again. “Do you mind talking about what’s bothering you two?”

“It’s not a big deal, Daddy,” Jamie said. “Jack has been unhappy about my friendship with Ryan but I’m sure he’ll feel better about it when he gets to know her a little.” She really didn’t want her father to know how childish Jack was being about this.

“I don’t want to get to know her, Jamie,” Jack said through gritted teeth. “If you really respected my opinion, you would stop spending all of your free time with her.”

“I don’t spend all of my free time with her, Jack,” she defended.

“How many times did you see her this week?” he asked, bearing down on her like a prosecutor.

“We played golf on Monday, I saw her in class twice, we had to volunteer together on Tuesday and Thursday night, she trained me at the gym twice and then I made her dinner on Friday as you know.”

Jack didn’t say a word in response to her statement. He merely raised one dark blonde eyebrow and narrowed his eyes a bit in obvious triumph.

“But I don’t see her that much all of the time,” she said defensively. “This week was an anomaly.”

“That’s not what Cassie says,” he said dramatically.

Jamie’s face had been relatively composed, but now it grew bright pink with anger. “Do you have any others spies keeping track of me, or only Cassie?” she said evenly through her own set of gritted teeth.

“Jack, Jamie” her father finally said, trying to calm them down. “It’s obvious that this is a big issue between you two.” Jamie continued to glare at Jack who was glaring right back at her. “Jamie,” he said as he turned to her, “I think the solution is rather obvious.”

“I don’t know if I can wait for Jack to grow up, Daddy,” she said sweetly as she turned to look at her father.

“No Honey,” he said firmly. “You can’t put your friendships ahead of your commitment to Jack,” he said patiently. “Friends will come and go, but your spouse is with you for life.”

Jamie felt all of the color drain from her face. She turned from her father to Jack and then back again. She felt absolutely betrayed by both of these men. “So that’s what makes a good marriage? Giving in to every irrational request that your partner makes? Or is it only the woman who has to give in?” she added, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

The looks she was regarded with were identical. Neither man had ever seen her stand her ground so forcefully, and neither liked it. Rather than cause a bigger scene she stood and regarded them sadly. She just shook her head and fought to control the tears that desperately wanted to come as she turned and left the room.

After a half hour in the Jacuzzi she found an attendant in the locker room and handed her a note. The woman assured her that it would be delivered to her father immediately.

Jim and Jack were patiently waiting on a pair of overstuffed chairs within view of the women’s locker room. The attendant recognized Jim and handed him the note. It read,

I’ve arranged for a ride home. Please respect my wishes and give me some time alone.

“Well, Jack, welcome to married life,” Jim said as he handed Jack the note and stood to leave.

***

After Jamie had written the note she began to figure out how to get home. First she called Mia, but no one was home. Next she tried Mia’s pager, but got no return call. Oh, right, she’s in L.A. this weekend. I don’t think she’ll be home until tomorrow morning. Next she tried her grandfather, but no one was home at either his house or his office. I shouldn’t do this, but I don’t have enough cash for a cab. She dialed Ryan’s pager number and waited just a few minutes for the return call.

“Hi,” Ryan’s voice called out brightly. “Are you calling to get a piece of birthday cake?”

“No,” Jamie said meekly as she started to cry.

“What’s wrong?” Ryan’s voice was filled with alarm.

“I need a very big favor,” she finally choked out.

“Anything,” Ryan said firmly. “Just name it.”

Jamie gave her a short version of her plight and Ryan immediately agreed to come get her. How does she do that? Two minutes of talking to her and I feel that everything will be okay.

***

Jamie showered and dried her hair. She rummaged in her locker to find a heavy lined warm up suit that she sometimes wore on rainy days. She decided she could use all the layers she had for the bike ride. She pulled her slacks and sweater back on and then put the warm ups on over her clothes. She left the locker room, glancing around carefully, hoping that her father and Jack had heeded her wishes, knowing there would be massive trouble if they saw her get on Ryan’s Harley. She walked out to the circular drive and was very pleased to hear the Harley roar up the long entryway.

The attendant looked puzzled when Jamie came over to the bike. He was unsure of how to help, so he just let Ryan pull her on to the big machine. Jamie settled the spare helmet on her head and they pulled away.

When they got to the street Ryan pulled over to the curb and turned the bike off. She turned around as much as possible and gently asked, “Where do you want to go?”

“I’m not sure,” she said as the tears overtook her again. “My car is in Palo Alto, so I guess I have to go there.”

“I can drive you down there tomorrow,” Ryan replied firmly. “You’re too upset to drive back all that way by yourself. Why don’t I just take you home?”

“I guess that’s my only option,” she said sadly. “I’m just afraid that Jack might be there waiting for me. And if I see Cassie, I might actually kill her,” she said sadly.

“I’ve got a better idea,” Ryan replied as she turned and kicked the big bike to life.

***

Jamie was pleased that Ryan had just taken control of the situation. She just knows what to do to calm me down, she thought dreamily as she rested her face between Ryan’s shoulder blades to cut the wind. Her arms were wrapped tightly against her trim waist and she finally felt safe for the first time all day.

“Do you need anything for the night? I have some sweats and stuff but nothing will fit you right.”

“Is there someplace that I could buy a few things? I also need a bookstore to buy a novel that I have to read by tomorrow.”

“Sure. We’ll head over to 24th St.”

They did just that and stopped at The Gap where Jamie purchased yet another pair of jeans and a bright blue chamois shirt along with a pale yellow T-shirt. Another stop at a cute little lingerie store added panties, a pair of cotton boxers, another bra and a pair of socks to her pile of purchases.

Luckily a used bookstore had a copy of her Barnes novel, and she was set.

They pulled up in front of the neat home in the Noe Valley just after 6. It was fully dark and she could see that the house was dark also. “Where is everyone?” Jamie inquired.

“Conor is helping my cousin Niall work on his new house over in the Sunset district. I assume they’ll go out for a drink afterward, so he won’t be home tonight. Da had to fill in for someone at work, so he’s gone all night. Rory left on his tour today, so we have the place to ourselves for a change.”

As they hopped of the bike Jamie regarded her thoughtfully, “You didn’t have plans tonight did you?” she asked a little suspiciously.

“No, not really,” Ryan prevaricated.

“I just thought that this could be a good opportunity to see your little friend,” she replied. When Ryan’s face showed no recognition, she continued, “You know; the one who lives at home.”

“Oh, no, no. I’m not seeing her anymore,” Ryan laughed. “I’ve sworn off all women who live at home,” she replied seriously, “Unless they have a really big car,” she added with a laugh. “I was thinking about calling my friend Ally,” she said with a waggling eyebrow. “But it’s never in my best interests to see her on a school night.”

“How come?”

“Remember the day you had to let me sleep in your house?”

“Yeah.”

“That was all due to Ally. Moderation is not her middle name,” she said with a twinkle in her eyes. “You have no idea how much my body will thank you for saving me from going over there.”

She felt herself shiver at the thought of what that really meant but just gave her a playful little poke in the ribs as they climbed the stairs. They were greeted enthusiastically by Duffy who acted as though Jamie was his long lost best friend.

“Boy, I’ve forgotten how much better a friendly greeting can make you feel,” she said wistfully.

“Hey, Duffy isn’t the only one who’s friendly,” Ryan said as she approached her and offered her arms for a hug.

Jamie gratefully accepted. As the warm, strong arms circled her she felt herself sucking up the comfort like a dry sponge. As she relaxed in the embrace she felt herself begin to let go again. She began to sob as Ryan rubbed her back in a calming, reassuring gesture. After a few minutes Ryan pulled away a bit and said, “You feel really warm. Why don’t you take your jacket off.”

Jamie numbly complied as Ryan did likewise. Next she removed her warm up pants and folded both of them neatly. Ryan placed an arm across her shoulders and guided her to the sofa. She gently pushed her down and leaned over to look at her face closely. “Do you drink alcohol?”

“Um, yeah,” she replied, unsure of where this was headed.

“I’m going to make you a warm drink to relax you a bit,” she replied.

Ryan ambled into the kitchen. Duffy looked from Ryan’s retreating form to Jamie and back again. Making up his doggie mind he scrambled onto the sofa and lay his big black head on Jamie’s lap, uttering a heavy sigh as he did so.

When Ryan returned Jamie was stroking Duffy’s head and murmuring sweet nothings. “I can tell who his favorite is,” Ryan stated as she gave him a mock glare. “C’mon Duff, I saw her first,” she said as she snapped her fingers as he immediately leapt from the couch and onto the floor. “He steals all of my friends if I let him,” she whispered conspiratorially as she handed Jamie a steaming mug.

Jamie took a bit sip and purred with contentment, “What is in this?” she asked with a big smile.

“Hot cocoa and Bailey’s Irish cream,” she replied as she sipped her own mug. “The Bailey’s counteracts the caffeine in the cocoa, so it really relaxes you.”

Ryan turned a little as she put her mug on the floor. She leaned over and grasped Jamie’s legs, pulling them onto her lap. She began to unlace her boots and tossed them to the floor as she finished. “I want to know everything that happened since I last saw you,” she said soothingly, as she began to massage her feet.

Jamie felt herself immediately begin to relax. “I went down to Palo Alto after I left here. The evening went okay,” she decided to gloss over the sexual aspects of her evening. But something about the day was bothering her too much to ignore. “Can I ask you a really, really personal question?”

“Sure,” she said immediately.

Jamie pursed her lips as she thought about how to frame her question. “Have you ever tried to…” she struggled a little as she tried to adjust the question for Ryan’s sexual orientation. “Have you ever tried to get your partner to do something that was painful for her?”

Ryan looked at her with a slightly cocked head as she tried to think of how to answer. “That’s a tough one,” she admitted. “I’m not sure what you’re getting at, but there have been lots of times where I’ve pushed just a little farther than was probably wise. Sometimes it’s hard to tell if a sound means ‘Do that harder’ or ‘OUCH!’ Is that what you mean?”

Now Jamie shot her a confused look. “I don’t know what you mean,” she admitted.

“Do you want me to be graphic? I don’t mind giving you a blunt answer but I don’t want to tell you more than you want to know about my sexual habits,” she said with an embarrassed look.

A myriad of images flew through Jamie’s fertile imagination. She shook her head to clear it and realized that she had to be the one to be more graphic. “Okay, here’s the issue. Jack was insatiable last night. He really seemed needy and sometimes he seems to express himself only through sex. I think it’s his way of feeling close again after a fight.”

Ryan nodded in complete understanding. “That’s a common reaction to a fight,” she agreed.

“Right. And even though his insecurities don’t appeal to me I didn’t complain. But he tried to make love to me three separate times this morning. I clearly told him that I was too sore but he would not stop. I finally gave in just to get him off my back, but I was really resentful. It really upset me that he wanted to have sex even when he knew it was causing me pain. And it pissed me off that he could enjoy himself when I was just lying there like a dead fish!”

Ryan was unsure of how to comment on this. She had never in her life tried to talk any woman into having sex when she did not want to. And she could no more enjoy sex with an unwilling partner than she could fly. But she did not want to reveal how mean she thought Jack was being. Jamie was engaged to this guy and even if he was sometimes a jerk she didn’t think it was wise to be the one to point that out.

“I don’t think it’s fair to compare how people react to things that are really emotionally loaded,” she said judiciously. “What’s really important is how that made you feel. Tell me about that.”

“I don’t think there’s any lonelier feeling than lying in bed with someone who’s just using your body for their own pleasure,” she murmured as she began to cry softly.

Ryan quickly got up and went to the other end of the loveseat. She lifted Jamie’s torso and sat down, lowering her back down until her head was in her lap. She started to run her fingers through her hair in a soft, calming fashion. After a few minutes she said softly, “I’m so sorry, Jamie. I can’t stand to see you hurt so badly. I wish I could do something to help.”

“You are, Ryan. You’re doing more than you know,” she reassured her as she patted her hand. “But I’ve got lots more to bitch about so I may as well get it over with.”

As she took a deep slow breath and furrowed her brow in concentration Ryan’s soft voice wafted over her. “Is this okay?” She lifted a good portion of Jamie’s shiny blonde hair and gave her scalp a little scratch to indicate the nature of her request.

Sea green eyes lifted and gazed at her, deep gratitude reflected back. “This is the best I’ve felt all day,” she replied with a sad smile as she covered Ryan’s warm hand with her own. “Actually,” she amended, “It’s the best I’ve felt in weeks.” She patted Ryan’s hand softly as she stressed, “It’s more than all right. It’s keeping me sane.”

Ryan gave her a gentle, sweet smile as her hand drifted lower and she began to trace the smooth planes of Jamie’s face with her fingertips. It was difficult for the prone woman to keep her train of thought but she struggled to get through her story. “We played golf with my father this afternoon.” Here she paused to concentrate. “I was playing well and it seemed to piss Jack off…which is odd for him. He’s not normally competitive with me.” Ryan nodded to encourage her, but did not speak.

“My father made a comment about bringing you to play on Monday and Jack flipped out,” she replied. “He gets angry so rarely, and never, ever, in front of my parents,” she said as her face clouded again.

Ryan’s fingers grew more determined in their efforts to remove the stress from her friend’s face. She worked at the tense lines with both of her thumbs, smiling to herself as she could see Jamie begin to relax a bit. “Then what?” Ryan softly inquired.

Jamie decided not to reveal the slur that Jack had made toward Ryan since it was not vital to the story. “After the round we went to have a drink and my father really wanted us to talk about it,” she shook her head sadly. “Jack said that he didn’t want me to see you anymore,” she said as she began to cry in earnest. She nudged Jamie upright and sat down behind her as she put her arms around her shaking body. “That’s not the worst part, though,” she sobbed.

Ryan continued to smooth her hair and stroke her back. “It’s okay, Jamie. It will all be okay,” she soothed.

“The really bad part was when my father agreed with him,” she finally got out through the raking sobs.

Ryan could hardly believe how much this revelation hurt her. She felt as though she had been kicked in the chest, but she did not want to make matters worse for her friend. She just held her tighter as she murmured reassuring words to her. After a long while the sobs turned to whimpers. Ryan said very softly right into her ear, “I don’t want to cause problems with your boyfriend and your family Jamie. I understand if you need to stop seeing me so much.”

Jamie sat bolt upright and got to her knees as she turned to face Ryan with a look of abject panic on her face. “Not you too!” she nearly shouted as she grabbed Ryan roughly by the shoulders. “Don’t you understand?” she cried as she gave her a forceful shake.

“Jamie, Jamie, it’s okay,” Ryan said calmly as she removed Jamie’s fingers from their death grip. “I just want you to know that I support you in whatever you choose to do,” she said softly. “It would hurt me terribly to stop being your friend, but if you need to see me less I want you to know that I will understand. I’d do anything to make this easier for you Jamie,” she said with a tear in her eyes. “Anything!”

“Oh Ryan,” she cried as she slumped against her friend’s strong chest, sobbing once again, “you scared me,” she finally said.

“How did I scare you?” she murmured as she wrapped Jamie in her arms and began to slowly rock her.

“I thought you were treating me like they were. Like I’m too stupid to make up my own mind about what I do and who I see,” she said as she continued to cry softly.

“I will never do that to you Jamie,” she replied solemnly as she stroked her hair. “Never! I see you as a mature woman who is very competent to make her own life decisions.”

“I know one thing for sure, Ryan,” she said with determination through her tears. “If Jack Townsend thinks he can control me, he’s in for a very nasty surprise.”

***

After Jamie had composed herself Ryan went into the kitchen to make dinner. “We’ve got turkey and some mashed potatoes left over from yesterday,” she called into the living room. “Is that okay?”

“That sounds great,” Jamie agreed. She sat on the loveseat with Duffy and when Ryan came back a while later, Duffy immediately jumped off and took his place on the floor.

Ryan ate in her normal hearty manner, but Jamie just picked at her plate. “I know I’m not a great cook, but it’s not that bad is it?” she asked as Jamie moved the same piece of turkey around on her plate.

“No, it’s delicious, really,” Jamie said as she popped the piece in her mouth. “I just get an upset stomach when I’m tense. I’m always afraid I’ll throw up so I don’t like to eat much.”

“You don’t feel like you did at the help line do you?” Ryan asked cautiously.

“No, I don’t feel faint. I’m just a little nauseous.”

“I guarantee that you won’t throw up,” she said confidently. “Would you humor me and eat just a little? I bet you haven’t had much today, have you?”

“No, not really.”

“And you didn’t eat much yesterday either, did you?” she said knowingly.

“No,” she admitted as she looked down at the floor.

“Come on then,” Ryan said as she took her fork and loaded it up. “Here comes the airplane into the hangar,” she teased as she did a few loop-the-loops with the turkey laden fork.

Jamie gave her a shy grin as she opened up and accepted the turkey. It really did taste a lot better now that Ryan was urging her on. They continued their little game until the plate was clean. “Good girl!” Ryan enthused as she rubbed her head, messing her blonde locks haphazardly. “Now you can have some cake for dessert!”

***

After they had cleaned the kitchen they went down to Ryan’s room to study. Ryan sat at her desk and wrestled with some problems that looked so complex that Jamie was unable to tell what subject they covered. She sat on the big bed and read her book until she fell asleep sitting up.

When Ryan noticed that she was sound asleep she walked over to the bed and woke her with a light touch on her cheek. Jamie slowly batted her eyes and Ryan felt a catch in her throat at how terribly beautiful and completely vulnerable she looked. Damn you, Jack, she thought. How can you not realize what you have here? She trusts you but you kick her again and again! Your stupid insecurities are ruining your relationship, you jerk!

“I think you’d be more comfortable in Da’s room. Then you’ll have your own bath.” She stood and pulled Jamie up with her. “I’ll go change the sheets and get it ready for you. And you go get ready for bed,” she said as she gave her a little push towards the bathroom.

Ryan brought her a new toothbrush and showed her where the towels were. “You like to wear a t-shirt to bed, right?” Jamie nodded her assent as she brushed her teeth. Ryan trotted over with two tshirts, “You can have long or short sleeved.”

“I think I’ll take the long,” she replied thoughtfully as she removed the garment from Ryan’s hand. “Is it okay if I just wear the shirt and the boxers I bought? I don’t want to scandalize Conor when he comes home.”

“I’m sure Conor will think you’re seriously overdressed,” she said with a smirk. “But I think it sounds appropriately modest. Do you need anything else?” Ryan inquired.

“No, I’m fine.”

Ryan left her to change the sheets and a few minutes later Jamie walked into the room in her sleep clothes. “I’m just gonna hop in bed and try to forget about this whole day.”

“I think that is a great idea,” Ryan agreed as she pulled the crisp sheet back for her. “I’ll be up for a while doing some homework. Just yell downstairs if you think of anything you need.” When Jamie was situated Ryan pulled the sheet up and tucked her in. She sat on the edge of the bed and leaned over to plant a kiss on Jamie’s cheek. “You sleep tight tonight.”

“I’ll try,” she agreed. “Thanks for being there for me Ryan,” she said as she looked up into those deep blue eyes.

“I’m always here for you, Jamie. I’m really glad you called me today,” she replied as she ruffled her hair.

***

Around 10 o’clock Ryan heard Jamie get up. She listened for a minute and decided that she must just be going to the bathroom. After a moment she returned to her chemistry problem. She was sitting at her desk wearing her standard study outfit—her underwear. Her hair was pulled straight back into a tight ponytail with just a wisp or two sneaking out of the band and dangling around her face. Small, round silver wire rimmed glasses wrapped around her ears, giving her a very serious, almost professorial look that even the underwear didn’t diminish.

She was slightly startled when she heard Jamie’s soft voice right behind her. “Ryan?” she said softly.

“Hi, what’s up?” she replied as she turned around in her chair. “Having trouble sleeping?”

“Yeah, I guess I am,” she said as she looked down at the floor.

“Tell me what’s wrong, Jamie,” Ryan said as she stood and faced her friend.

You mean besides the fact that you’re in your underwear? “I woke up a while ago, and I can’t get back to sleep,” she admitted, still looking down at the floor. ” I saw your

light on so I came down.” The floor was still holding her interest. “But I don’t want to disturb you. I mean you’re in your …pajamas and all,” she said to the carpet.

“You’re not disturbing me, Jamie. I was just studying a little.” She lifted Jamie’s head up to look her in the eyes, “I’m planning on being up for another couple of hours. Would you like to stay down here with me?”

“I don’t want to invade your privacy,” she said as she shot an awkward glance at Ryan’s outfit.

“Does it bother you that I’m in my underwear?” she finally caught on.

“Um, that’s underwear?” she asked sheepishly.

“Yeah,” she said a little defensively. “Haven’t you ever seen these?” Jamie studied her outfit closely. Ryan was wearing a gray ribbed tank top that fit like second skin. The tank top just covered the waistband of matching cotton knit gray boxers. Boxers?

“These are regulation women’s underwear I’ll have you know. I don’t borrow my brothers’ or anything,” she teased as she made her way over to her built in dresser. “When I started working out at the gym I began to wear Lycra shorts. I really liked them and got used to not having elastic around my upper legs. I found these Calvin Klein women’s boxers a short time later and I never plan on going back. They never ride up and you don’t get the dreaded VPL.”

“VPL?” Jamie asked.

“Visible panty line, of course. It’s the scourge of womankind,” she laughed as she pulled a pair of navy blue sweat pants out of a drawer and slipped them on. Next she found the T-shirt she had been wearing earlier and pulled that over her head.

“You don’t have to get dressed just because of me,” Jamie said weakly.

“It’s okay, Jamie. I want you to feel comfortable around me,” she said as she gave her a reassuring pat. “Now, what would you like to do? Do you feel like talking, or do you want to lie down while I study?”

“I think I’ll just lie down here if you don’t mind,” she replied as she flopped down on the bed. “I’m really tired, but I just can’t relax.”

“Why don’t you let me help you relax?” Ryan said as she sat down next to her. She opened a bedside drawer and pulled out a bottle of herbal scented massage lotion that she held up invitingly in front of Jamie. “Can I tempt you?”

Jamie flopped over onto her stomach with her arms stretched straight out at her sides. “If you must,” she said with mock resignation.

“Do you mind taking this off?” Ryan asked as she tugged on the hem of the oversized T-shirt.

Jamie felt just a touch of embarrassment as she sat up slightly and pulled the shirt over her head. She dropped it right above her head and lay back down immediately.

Ryan swung her legs up on the bed and scooted over until she was right next to Jamie. She swung one knee over and straddled her slim hips. Thank you Jesus, for making her put on sweats.

Ryan poured a generous amount of lotion onto her hands and then rubbed them together briskly to warm it. She placed those strong hands gently on Jamie’s shoulders and softly asked, “Ready?”

For anything, Jamie thought dreamily as she struggled to stay lucid. Ryan’s hands were works of art as they worked over her tense muscles. There’s no way those hands have ever forced a woman to do anything against her will, she decided. Although who would be crazy enough to refuse this touch is beyond me, she thought dreamily. They pushed and pulled and prodded each muscle in turn until Jamie was a quivering mass of relaxed flesh. Jamie could feel Ryan’s powerful thighs flex and move against her as her friend leaned over to reach more distant muscles. She could feel the heat radiating from Ryan’s body through hers as the massage grew more strenuous.

After a few minutes of very deep muscle work Jamie felt the intensity begin to wane. She felt her body grow heavy and sluggish and as Ryan continued to work she felt herself struggle to remain awake. Ryan obviously felt this too, as she continued to stroke her lightly, finally ending with a feather light touch all over her neck, shoulders and back.

Jamie was vaguely aware of Ryan’s efforts to place her t-shirt over her head again and pull her arms through the long sleeves. She felt a soft blanket settle over her and then a tender kiss on her cheek. She allowed herself to take in the peaceful feeling and she quickly drifted off to sleep.

***

When Ryan was certain that Jamie was asleep she got up from the bed gingerly and returned to her desk. I cannot study with clothes on, she decided as she shucked her pants and T-shirt and settled down with her chemistry problems.

After another 2 hours of struggling with her studies Ryan heard Conor come home. She checked on Jamie to be sure she was warm, turned off her computer and put her pants back on. She climbed the stairs and greeted Conor just as he was about to go up to his room.

“Hey,” he said when he spied her emerge from the staircase. “What are you still doing up?”

“I’ve been studying,” she said through a yawn. “Oh, Jamie’s downstairs. She had some boyfriend trouble. She’s going to sleep in my room. I’ll take Da’s,” she said as she fought another yawn.

“Is she okay?” he asked with true concern.

“I think she’ll be fine. She just had a really tough day.”

“What do you think of this boyfriend, anyway?” Conor asked, a bit too casually.

“I don’t know him very well,” she replied. “He doesn’t care for me much. That’s part of the problem,” she said simply.

“Why wouldn’t he like you?” Conor asked with a sharp tone.

“He doesn’t think Jamie should spend so much of her time with a lesbian,” she replied, just a bit embarrassed.

“Oh please!” Conor said, truly agitated. “What does he think you’ll do to her? I’d like to give that jerk a piece of my mind, ” he added as an afterthought.

“All I can guess is that he thinks I’ll seduce her,” she replied.

“Riiight” he said knowingly. “What Mr. Preppy doesn’t get is that if you wanted to seduce her she would already be seduced,” he said as he wrapped his elbow around her neck and gave her a gentle tap on the chin with his fist. “No woman is safe when my baby sister sets her trap,” he teased.

“That’s the stupid thing, Conor. I don’t feel that way about Jamie. She’s my friend and it infuriates me that he can’t recognize that. Plus it’s a terrible insult to her. She’s totally faithful to him and to assume she would have sex with me is just rude.”

“You really don’t have any romantic feelings about her?” Conor asked. “You could do a lot worse you know,” he said a little defensively.

“No, I don’t have those kind of thoughts about her. I feel very close to her, and kind of protective, but not romantic,” she shrugged a bit. “If she was single and interested I’m sure that would change, though,” she added with a little leer. “She is quite a catch.”

“We are in complete agreement, little sister,” he said as he placed an arm around her shoulders and escorted her to their father’s room.

***

Jamie woke with a start as she felt a wet nose and a warm tongue nuzzle her face. She blinked her eyes open and saw a smiling Ryan and a panting Duffy watching her. Ryan was obviously just back from a morning workout. She wore a gold turtleneck covered by a navy blue short sleeved t-shirt. Her legs were covered by black Lycra pants. Black and electric blue roller blades covered her feet. Her hair was styled in a loose braid and the few wispy bangs she normally wore were covered in perspiration. Her cheeks were very pink and her blue eyes were bright and mischievous.

“Duffy insisted on seeing you this morning, and I just could not refuse,” she said as she shrugged her shoulders helplessly.

“Can he get on the bed?” she asked.

“If you don’t mind, I don’t mind,” was the reply.

“C’mon Duffy, boy,” Jamie said as she patted the mattress. Duffy did not need to be asked twice. He jumped up and began to lick every exposed inch of skin that was available to his bubblegum pink tongue. Jamie giggled helplessly as she tried to protect her mouth and eyes from the assault.

“I’m going to jump in the shower while you two cuddle,” Ryan said as she stripped off her skates. She stopped at the dresser and chose clean underwear, a T-shirt and a pair of jeans which she took into the bathroom with her.

Jamie heard the shower start up and after a minute Duffy calmed down and nestled up alongside her. After a few moments spent idly rubbing his head she heard a light knock on the door. “Come in,” she called out.

Conor’s dark head poked in the door. “Are you ladies decent?” he asked.

“Ryan’s in the shower, but I’m pretty decent,” she answered with a grin.

He entered the room and shook his finger at Duffy. “Why do you always get to sleep with the pretty girls?” he said as he sat on the edge of the bed and ruffled his coat.

Jamie looked Conor over as he played with the dog. He was dressed in a bright white T-shirt covered by a deep red and black flannel shirt. The sleeves were rolled up to expose his very muscular forearms that were surprisingly covered with very light blonde down. Faded jeans and heavy work boots completed his outfit. His hair was still damp from the shower and he smelled great. He smells just the way I like a man to smell, she thought as she sniffed reflectively, nothing but soap.

“Ryan says you had a tough day yesterday” he said after a bit. “Are you feeling better?”

“Yeah, I am. Thanks for caring about me, Conor,” she said shyly.

“You’ve been adopted by the whole clan, Jamie. We all care about you,” he said as he stood to go. “If that ex-con gives you any more trouble, he’s gonna have to answer to me,” he said with a mock glower.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” she said with a grin. “Boy, would that ever be an unfair fight. I wasn’t sure he could beat up Ryan,” she admitted. “He wouldn’t last a second with you.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Jamie. Ryan’s the one you need to be careful of in this family.” Jamie was just about to ask what he meant by that when the door to the bathroom opened and Ryan called out, “Quit harassing the half naked women, Conor.”

“Now you tell me she’s half naked,” he whined. “I never have any luck,” he said as he gave Jamie a little wave and left the room.

“He’s the sweetest man,” Jamie said in wonder as she walked over to the bathroom.

“No, Brendan is the sweetest man. Conor is the most charming man,” she said with a knowing smile.

“Well, I think he’s sweet and charming,” she said as she folded her arms in a defiant stance.

“No, that’s me,” Ryan said with a twinkle as she stepped out of the steamy room. Her hair was very damp and combed straight back off her face. Every strong plane of that face was emphasized by the style and Jamie realized again how incredibly beautiful her friend was.

“I can’t argue with that,” she said fondly as she surprised Ryan with a very fierce hug. “I’m feeling a lot better today,” she supplied. “I think a marvelous massage had a lot to do with it though.”

“I’m only too happy to oblige. I don’t give a lot of massages anymore, and I kind of miss it,” she admitted.

“I will gratefully accept any time you feel the need. Remember, I am a certified pleasure hound,” she grinned as she stepped into the warm room.

***

The trip to Berkeley was quick even in the heavy traffic. Jamie loved the freedom of being able to sail along between the slow moving lanes on the big bike. They were even allowed to use the express lane on the bridge which saved 15 minutes. As they approached Jamie’s house Ryan slowed down and pulled to the curb. “Do you want me to let you off here in case your roommates are home?”

Jamie thought for a minute and finally nodded her head. “No sense in making matters worse than they already are,” she said sadly. She hopped off and handed Ryan the helmet. Then she leaned over and gave her a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. “This meant an awful lot to me Ryan. I just want you to know how thankful I am that you’re my friend.”

Ryan blushed just a little and returned the hug. “It’s my pleasure,” she said sincerely.

***

There were 10 messages from Jack, 2 from her father and 1 from Mia when she checked the answering machine in the empty house. She had turned off her cell phone the day before to avoid being harassed, and this was the obvious result. She dialed her father’s office and left a message on his private line. “Hi, Daddy. Don’t worry about me. I’m sure this will all blow over. Sorry about yesterday. I’ll call later.”

Next came the harder call to make. She dialed the number and closed her eyes, wishing that he wasn’t home. No such luck. He answered on the first ring, clearly agitated. “Jamie! Where have you been!” he shouted. “I’ve looked for you all night!” Jamie was shocked. He really sounded like he was going to cry.

“I told you I wanted to be alone, Jack. I’m sorry you were worried about me, but I really did not think it was a good idea to speak with you given how I was feeling.”

“Jamie, I feel like you’re slipping away from me. I don’t know how to hold on to you!” he really was crying now, she thought with alarm.

“Jack, the only way to hold on to me is to let me live my life,” she said gently. “I can’t stand to have you or anyone else try to control me.”

“Are you still in love with me, Jamie? Do you still want to marry me?” he pleaded.

“I still love you Jack. But I don’t like you when you treat me like your property. We’ve got a lot to talk about, but I’ve got to get to class. When will you be home tonight?”

“About 8 p.m. I’ve got a meeting for law review at 5, but I’ll make sure I’m home by 8 if you’ll come down.”

“I’ll be there. Now don’t worry, honey. We can work this out, but it’s going to take some effort,” she reassured him.

***

Ryan agreed to drive her down to Palo Alto after rush hour. Jamie got through her day in a bit of a contemplative fog and was sitting in her living room when Ryan and Mia came in just after 4 p.m.

“Hi, guys,” she said as she looked up from her book. “I forgot you were going to start working together today,” she said as her memory clicked in. “How did it go?”

“She killed me!” Mia moaned. “I thought I was in pretty good shape from going to my gym, but I’ve obviously been wasting my time.”

“You’re the one who kept saying, ‘More weight!’ ” Ryan laughed.

“Let Ryan massage your legs if they’re sore, she has great hands,” she said as she blushed a little when she heard the words come out.

“Either massage them or cut them off!” Mia moaned as she dropped to the floor and offered her legs to Ryan.

With a smirk, Ryan gamely worked on the stressed appendages while Jamie continued to read. The front door opened just as Ryan was finishing up the right leg. Cassie strode into the room and observed, “Am I the only one in this house that hasn’t fallen prey to your charms, Ryan?”

Jamie heard the muttered, “You’re the only one they haven’t been offered to,” but she was fairly sure that Cassie did not hear the reply. “Does anyone want a cold drink?” Jamie asked as she rose to go to the kitchen. Both Ryan and Mia answered in the affirmative.

Cassie entered the kitchen right behind Jamie who did her best to ignore her former friend. She grabbed 3 bottles of water and brushed past her on the way out. As she handed the bottles to Mia and Ryan she said, “Come on up to my room when you’re done.” Cassie exited the kitchen and stared at Jamie’s retreating form, finally placing her hands on her hips and asking no one in particular, “What in the hell has gotten into her?”

Neither Mia nor Ryan responded to this rhetorical question. Ryan had loosened up Mia’s legs and she instructed her to take a long hot shower to keep them flexible. “I’ll see you on Wednesday,” Ryan grinned as she began to climb the stairs.

Mia turned to a still fuming Cassie and shrugged her shoulders, “What can I say, she’s got great hands?”

***

Jamie was lying on her bed with her hands knit behind her head when Ryan knocked lightly on the door prior to entering. “I’m glad you’re here,” she said as she looked at her strong friend. “You’re the only person who might be able to pull me off her if I try to strangle her.”

“I feel a little out of the loop,” Ryan admitted. “I don’t know how Cassie’s involved in all of this.”

“I found out yesterday that she has been fanning the flames with Jack again. He basically said that she had told him that I spent every free minute of my time with you.”

“I should be so lucky,” Ryan grinned a quirky smile. She had curled up on the loveseat under the window, looking very relaxed.

“You sure do know how to make a girl feel good,” Jamie replied.

“That comes in handy in my line of work,” Ryan waggled an eyebrow, just as she ducked a forcefully thrown pillow.

After a few minutes spent chatting about their respective days, Jamie grew pensive. “Would you mind if I wanted to talk about Jack for a bit?”

“Not at all, Jamie. I’d be happy to listen to anything you have to say.”

“Do you think I’m crazy to be getting married so soon?” Jamie surprised herself with this question. Where did that come from?

“Thanks for starting with the simple question first,” Ryan smiled sardonically. After a moment she answered, “I wasn’t ready to make that kind of commitment when I was your age. But you are a lot more mature than I was then. Actually, you’re more mature than I am now,” she grinned.

“But you know me, Ryan. Do you think I’m ready to be married?”

“Before I can render my expert opinion,” here she grinned fully, “I have to ask you some questions.”

“Ask away,” Jamie replied.

“What does marriage mean to you?” she inquired seriously.

She considered this for a long time. “I think of it as a lifetime commitment to share all of the joys and sorrows of life with one special person. I pledge to share my deepest thoughts and feelings with him. I promise to share my body with him alone. And I promise to do everything I can to make his life more complete.”

“I would say that is the best description of marriage that I have ever heard,” Ryan finally responded. “Do you feel able to honor all of those pledges to him?”

“I do,” Jamie started to reply, but she caught herself. “I did,” she corrected. “But now I’m less sure. It obviously isn’t a marriage if he doesn’t feel the same way about me. And I’m no longer sure that he wants me to be myself.” Jamie got up from the bed and came over to sit next to Ryan. “I used to be quite sure that he felt the same way. But this whole argument about you has caused me to question a lot of things I once believed.”

“How so?” Ryan inquired.

“He seems to feel entitled to tell me how to spend my time. I could see his point if it interfered with our time together, but it doesn’t.” Ryan nodded her understanding. “I’m really into the AIDS ride. And it disappoints me that he doesn’t seem to support me at all. He doesn’t ask about my training or anything.” After a moment she added, “Although he has been complimenting me on my body,” she said with a blush.

“Well at least he’s not blind,” Ryan teased as she felt an involuntary flush creep up her face. Getting back to the topic she asked, “Did he used to be interested in your life?”

“I think so, but I’m not really sure. I mean; I have changed since I’ve known you Ryan. I do want more from him than I used to want.”

“Why is that, Jamie? What have I done?” she asked, a bit confused.

“You are interested in me. You make me feel like I’m important. You ask me about what I do and what I like. It’s made me wish for that from him. I shouldn’t have to get that from my girlfriends. My lover should care more about me than my friends,” she explained logically.

“You might be right, Jamie, but I’m not sure. It’s a rare man that can make you feel connected like a woman can. And believe me, I’m not knocking men. I just think there are things you can get from women that are hard for men to give.”

“I suppose you are right. Like when we fight he doesn’t want to talk about it or work it out. He just wants to um…be intimate. But that doesn’t settle things for me. I don’t get over my emotional pains through sex,” she said pensively.

“I know that a lot of men express their feelings through sex. Maybe you just need to spend more time explaining what your needs are. There is a good chance he’ll try to meet your needs once he know what they are.”

“I suppose that’s true. I haven’t been very forceful in making him realize what my needs are. I’ve just been hoping that he would know what they are and try to meet them.”

“That doesn’t seem fair to him,” Ryan agreed. “I know from dealing with my brothers that they are often clueless about emotional issues. They really need to be guided.”

“You seem to know a lot about men. I guess being raised with all those brothers really gave you an advantage,” Jamie said.

“All I know is that it’s really different being in a relationship with a man versus a woman. With a woman I feel like I can use shorthand and she’ll be able to understand. You need to be much clearer with men. “

“It sounds like it’s so much easier being with a woman,” Jamie lamented.

Ryan looked at her thoughtfully for a long time. “In a way it is, but there is a tendency for women to identify with each other too much and become too interdependent. In an opposite sex couple there is a push-pull, yin-yang kind of thing that creates a lot of tension. And tension can make for really hot sex,” she said with a smile.

“Oh great!” she moaned. “I get all the tension and none of the hot sex!”

“Um…you don’t want to talk about that too do you?” Ryan asked warily.

“No, I’ll spare you those gruesome details,” Jamie replied.

“Whew,” was all that Ryan could utter.

***

Ryan dropped Jamie off in front of Jack’s apartment just before 8 p.m. As Jamie got off the bike she leaned over and planted a kiss on her cheek. “You’re the best,” she said with a smile as she made her way up to the staircase.

Jack was sitting on the couch waiting for her. He got up when she entered but he didn’t make a move to come to her. She felt very awkward around him and she knew that her body language betrayed this.

“Do you mind if I kiss you hello?” he asked shyly.

“Of course not, Jack,” she replied easily as she opened her arms to him. He was upon her in less than a second. He wrapped his arms around her tightly and nuzzled his head into her neck.

“I’m sorry, Jamie. I’m so sorry,” he mumbled, over and over.

Jamie really felt empathy for him at that moment. She forgot about the fight and just gave herself over to his embrace. But as soon as he felt her begin to relax he leaned his head down and began to kiss her, slowly and tentatively at first, but then increasing in intensity and confidence. She felt him begin to get aroused and she pushed him away gently. “We need to talk, Jack,” she said as she locked onto his passion filled eyes.

He gave her a hurt look as he moved back, but he respected her wishes and went back to sit down on the couch. He looked up at her and tentatively patted the couch cushion next to him. She smiled and sat down next to him, allowing him to wrap his arm around her.

“I know I was wrong, Jamie, but I am so jealous of that woman I can’t see straight,” he finally revealed.

“Jack, what on earth do you have to be jealous about?” she asked, completely astounded by his admission.

“Jamie, how would you feel if my law review partner was a gorgeous woman with a reputation for seducing every guy she could get her hands on?” he cut her off with a raised hand when she tried to interrupt. “And what if I spent a lot of my free time with her, not doing school work, just hanging out?” He cocked his head at her, “Wouldn’t that bother you?”

“That’s not a good analogy, Jack,” she explained patiently. “A better one would be if your partner was a very good looking gay guy who had a reputation for dating lots of other gay men.” He began to scowl at this analogy. “It would not bother me one bit if you became friends with a gay man,” she added.

“That’s not the same thing,” he replied confidently, concurrently trying to figure out why it wasn’t.

“Tell me why it isn’t?” she said sweetly, knowing he could not.

“I don’t know but it’s not,” he said firmly.

“Okay, let’s start over. Tell me why you are jealous of her.”

“I’m afraid she is just being friends with you to seduce you,” he admitted with an embarrassed look.

“Well, I’m not sure who that insults more, but go on,” she encouraged.

“I don’t see how hanging out with her is any different than hanging out with a guy who is after you,” he finished.

“Well, it’s simple, really. One-she is not after me. Two-she is not a guy: she is a woman. Three-I’m committed to be married to you. I would not cheat on you with a man or a woman,” she replied.

“How do you know she isn’t after you?” he said.

“Because I asked her,” she said simply.

“You what?!” he shouted.

“I had heard the rumors about her and I had seen her flirting with the other women in class so I asked her if she was interested in me,” she stated patiently. “I had no interest in developing a friendship with her if she was going to be flirting with me the whole time.”

“What did she say?” he asked, perplexed by this development.

“She said she knew I was straight and that she didn’t like to date straight women. She also said that she thought I was cute and that she had been interested, but that she didn’t like to date her friends.”

“And you believed her?” he asked as though Jamie was slightly slow.

“Yes, I did and I still do. We spend a lot of time together Jack. She tells me all about her life and the women she sees. I know her family. I know what kind of person she is. She is loyal and honest and very forthright. She is very funny and bright and interesting. And I trust her completely, Jack.” Just to tweak him a bit she added, “She’s got 3 older brothers and about a dozen cousins who are just as good looking. And the best looking one of the bunch is always flirting with me. That’s who you should be jealous of,” she said with a smirk.

“Oh, now I feel better,” he grumbled. “Look Jamie, I know you don’t have a lot of experience with guys but we tell girls anything to get them into bed. A guy will spend years being your friend just in the hopes of one day sleeping with you.”

“I may not have slept with other men, Jack, but I do have some experience,” she replied. “I know many guys are like that. But in my limited experience lesbians are not. You seem to think she’s a man without a penis. But she’s a woman, Jack.” She fished around in her head for an example. “How many women do you know who work really hard to get a guy to sleep with them?”

“If they’re good looking, they don’t have to,” he said, slightly perplexed.

“Exactly. Women generally don’t go to great lengths to hit on guys. The lesbians I know are more like that than they are like guys.” He looked suspicious. “Oh they flirt with each other but they don’t come on like guys do. It’s much more subtle.”

“That favors my point!” he said. “It’s harder to tell when she’s coming on to you. It’s more invasive than aggressive.”

“Surely you agree that Ryan is great looking.” He gave a slight nod. “She can have her pick of women at school. And believe me, they practically throw themselves at her. She certainly would not be wasting her time trying to turn me into a lesbian when she has so many to choose from. That just doesn’t make sense.”

“So you are saying that she treats you just the same as any of your other friends, right?” he finally asked in challenge.

She thought about this for a long while. She did not want to prolong this, but she wasn’t going to lie. “No, that’s not true,” she admitted. “The dynamic is different with her. She’s very comfortable touching other women and that makes her a bit more physically close than my other friends.” She gathered her courage, “And she’s very comfortable in her own body. She’s a massage therapist as well as a trainer and she’s very comfortable with physical affection.”

“Like what?” he inquired suspiciously.

“Like rubbing my legs after a workout, or giving me a hug when I’ve had a bad day,” she replied.

“And you truly don’t think that she gets aroused when she touches you?” he asked warily.

“I’m certain that she does not,” she replied firmly. Thank you; thank you for not asking the inverse question

***

After another hour or so of discussion Jack agreed that he would try harder to accept Ryan as a part of Jamie’s life. He also agreed that he would do his best to not interfere in her choice of friends or activities. By now it was nearly 10 o’clock and Jamie had an early class.

“Can you stay over tonight?” he asked as he began to nuzzle her ear and neck.

“I’ve got an 8 o’clock class honey. I’d have to get up before 6 to make it,” she replied as she kissed his cheek. He was not to be dissuaded however, and within minutes she found herself half naked on the couch. She decided that this intimacy was something that he really needed so she let him continue his quest. She felt gentle and loving towards him as he touched her body reverently. He pushed a bit faster than she would have liked, but all in all it was a pleasant experience.

His head rested on her breast as she rubbed his back and rocked him slightly. “I love you, Jack,” she murmured into his ear. “I love you.”

Chapter 9

When Jamie arrived home just before 1 a.m. there was a message on her machine from Ryan. “Hi. Call me if you need to talk. It doesn’t matter how late it is.”

She is so sweet to me. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve her friendship, but I’m really happy I have it. She didn’t feel the need to take Ryan up on her offer and she didn’t have any intention of waking her up needlessly so she refrained from calling.

She barely made it to her 8 o’clock class. After a rather tedious class discussion she stumbled out of the classroom sleepily, bumping directly into a grinning Ryan.

“Somebody didn’t have their latte’ yet,” she teased.

“It’s that obvious isn’t it?” she agreed. “I barely made it to class. Speaking of class, what are you doing here?”

“My lab was canceled so I had some free time. I thought I’d come see how you were.”

“I didn’t know you even knew what classes I had on Tuesday, much less where they were,” she said, slightly amazed.

“Of course I know those little details,” Ryan said, a bit puzzled. “Don’t you know my class schedule?”

“Yeah, I guess I do,” she admitted. “Is this what you meant about women being more connected than men?”

“Precisely,” Ryan agreed as she guided her through the building in search of a latte’.

***

Jamie spent a few minutes updating Ryan on her evening with Jack. “It sounds like it went pretty well,” Ryan said thoughtfully. “I’ve got to admit that his assumptions about me are not uncommon. Hopefully he’ll realize over time that all I want from you is friendship…and lasagna,” she grinned. “But he really does sound like he wants to make you happy, Jamie.”

“I know he does, Ryan,” she acknowledged. “I think you’re advice was right on point. I need to spend more time letting him know what I need rather than expecting him to just intuit things.”

“I really hope it works out for you, Jamie,” she said sincerely.

***

One Tuesday in early November Jamie showed up at the gym hoping to get a little cardiovascular work in. She looked around for her friend and found her in the rear corner of the gym chatting with a woman. Trying to be unobtrusive, she hopped on a Stairclimber to get warmed up. But being on the slightly elevated machine gave her an even clearer view of the action and she could not help but watch.

Ryan was leaning up against one of the chest press machines. The woman was seated on the integrated stool of the machine and she gazed up at Ryan with a very flirtatious look. Jamie was pretty sure that she was not a client and as she looked more closely she noticed that the woman was considerably older than Ryan. She’s old enough to be my mother! she thought in alarm. The woman looked to be about 45 or so, but she was in great shape. She was about 5‘6”, very fit, with short dark hair. She looked very well taken care of, and the thought occurred to Jamie that this could be any one of her mother’s friends.

Ryan had adopted a very casual pose. She had one of her long arms extended above her head to hang over the top bar of the machine. She was leaning against the bulk of it and the woman had to crane her neck to make eye contact with her. But even though her pose was casual there was that barely concealed force that just begged to be released from her body. Jamie had often seen her look completely relaxed and casual. But every time Ryan was sizing someone up she adopted this predatory posture. Jamie had to admit that it was very appealing and for one brief instant she was jealous of the seated woman. But she quickly brushed that troublesome thought from her brain as she tried to watch while appearing not to.

After a few minutes the woman tried to stand but Ryan was directly in her path. She did not budge one inch and the woman was forced to alter her path a bit. Since Ryan had a good 6 inches on her the woman still had to look up to meet her gaze, but she seemed unable to look away from Ryan’s penetrating stare. They were standing terribly close to one another and Ryan was clearly not going to move. To get past her the woman placed her hands on Ryan’s waist and gently guided her out of her path. Gotcha! Jamie thought. Once you touch her there’s no escape!

Ryan leaned over to hear a question and when she lifted her head again she had the confident smirk that she so often wore when she was hitting on someone. She nodded her head slowly and leaned back on her heels to watch the woman make her way to the locker room. She walked over to another trainer and spoke to her for a moment or two, and then she went to the front desk and chatted with the woman on duty. She didn’t look into the cardio area, so she did not see Jamie. Next she walked over to the coat hooks and picked up her leather jacket and walked out the front door with a definite swagger.

A minute or two later her prey emerged from the locker room. She left quickly and Jamie spent a moment wondering if they were meeting up in the parking lot. Knowing Ryan they don’t even have to leave the lot if that woman has a big enough sports utility vehicle, she thought as a shudder rolled down her body.

***

Ryan stood by her bike, grinning wickedly at the woman as she exited the building. “Wanna go for a ride?” she teased in her deep rumbling voice.

“Aaah, I don’t think that’s such a good idea,” Laura said hesitantly. “I really can’t afford to be seen on the back of a motorcycle.”

“Are you a spy or a fugitive from justice?” Ryan asked casually.

“Nooo, but I’m fairly well known around the East Bay, and my…”

“Husband?” Ryan supplied.

“Yes, my husband is well known too,” Laura admitted. “Does that bother you?”

“It depends,” Ryan replied. “Is this the first time you’ve…”

“Hardly,” she scoffed. “We’ve been married for twen…a long while. We have an arrangement.”

“Will this be the last time you do this?”

“Doubtful, unless you can keep me faithful to you,” she purred as she moved to stand even closer.

“Doubtful,” Ryan admitted with a smirk. “Any kids?”

“Yes, but not at home. They’re away at …school.”

“So you would say that spending the afternoon with me will not alter your world in any significant way?”

“Well,” she said, as she brushed up against the taller woman. “I hope it will. But I promise it won’t have a negative impact on my life. Or that of my family.”

“One last question. And please don’t think I’m as full of myself as this sounds. Do you have any interest in having an ongoing relationship with me?”

The woman’s eyes grew wide with surprise. She shook her head briskly and said, “Honey, my life is nearly perfect. The only thing I don’t get enough of is good sex. I have no interest in losing my husband or the fragile respect of my children so if that’s what you want let’s stop right now,” she said firmly.

“You’re my kinda woman, Laura,” Ryan said with a grin. “Where to?”

***

Laura hopped into the driver’s seat of a new black Mercedes S class sedan. “Nice ride,” Ryan said as she looked around.

“Thanks. I just got it a week ago. I like it pretty well but it’s a little sedate, don’t you think?”

“A little, but I’m sure you have other outlets for your wild side.”

That earned her a little smirk and a gentle pat on the leg. “Do you prefer the Mark Hopkins or the Fairmont?” Laura asked as she got on the freeway leading back to the City.

“Never been in either, so it’s your choice,” Ryan said noncommittally.

Laura shot her quizzical look but continued the planning. “Okay, I’ll drop you off a block away. Then you go in and get us a room. I’ll pay you back of course. Then I’ll meet you by the elevator. Please don’t talk to me or acknowledge me in any way, though. Okay?”

Ryan looked a bit askance as she admitted, “I don’t have a charge card. Can you stop at an ATM?”

“Jesus! You are over 21 aren’t you?” she asked tentatively as she turned to give Ryan another appraising glance.

“Yes, I am,” Ryan replied with a smile. “I’m still in school at Cal. The personal training is just part time.”

“How do you manage without a charge card?” Laura asked.

“Well, I live at home, I don’t have a car, I don’t buy groceries, I never go on vacation, and I don’t buy things over the Internet. Other than that, why would I need one?”

“Good point, I guess,” she admitted, giving Ryan another quick glance. “No one’s going to come looking for you if you’re not home for dinner, are they?” she asked, only partly in jest. “I don’t want to see your picture on the back of a milk carton.”

“Nope. I don’t even have a curfew,” she said happily.

***

Laura pulled up in front of an ATM and handed Ryan her card along with her security code. Ryan gave her a small scowl but she got out and withdrew the requested $600. When she hopped back in she remarked, “It’s not a terribly good idea to trust a stranger with your ATM card and your access number.”

“It’s only money,” she said lightly. As Ryan tried to hand the card and the money over. Laura took the card but instructed Ryan to keep the money. “You don’t want to look like you don’t have a little extra,” she advised.

Ryan had been to hotels with women, but always cheap little places when neither she nor her date could find a better place. She had also been with older women, but they were always lesbians. This was a first for her and the thought of having sex with a married woman old enough to be her mother was both titillating and a little frightening. This woman had obviously been around the block a few hundred times and Ryan was a little afraid that Laura’s experience would upset Ryan’s own natural dominance. And even though she was attracted to her she did not want to submit to a stranger. “So, do you usually go out with women?” she asked to flesh out the issue.

“No, not usually,” she admitted. “But you just look like too much fun to pass up.”

“But you have been with women before, haven’t you?”

“Yes, dear, I have. Will you stop worrying? I promise I won’t fall in love with you,” she said with a hint of exasperation. “Why are you so careful anyway? You’re not the daughter of a famous politician are you?”

“Hardly. My dad’s a firefighter. I just don’t like to cause trouble or hurt anyone’s feelings,” she said honestly.

They paused at a long red light and Laura turned to look at her closely, “You really are cute, you know.” She reached over and cupped Ryan’s cheek and trailed her thumb across her lips. “Why is a beautiful young woman doing something like this, anyway? Why not find someone to love?”

“I don’t have time for that right now. I’ve got too much to handle as it is. After I’m finished with school I’ll start thinking about settling down. But until then, I’m only interested in good, clean, fun,” she said with a leer. “And the clean part is optional.”

***

Laura dropped her off about a block away from the hilltop hotel. “Get a nice room, Honey. I hate to feel cramped.”

Ryan dutifully climbed the hill, smirking to herself that when Laura called her honey it reminded her of her aunts. She didn’t fit in very well in the opulent surroundings in her blue jeans and leather jacket, but she carried herself with so much confidence that she received only appreciative glances. She walked up to the front desk and requested a room for one night.

“Very good, Ma’am,” the obviously gay clerk replied.

“What do you have available?” she asked.

He looked down his computer screen and informed her, “I have a single for $135. That’s in the back of the hotel, no view. And the only other rooms I have are suites. That’s two bedrooms and a sitting area. Those rooms are $450,” he said.

“Is that really the best rate you can give me?” she asked with a friendly but determined look.

“Well,” he said, “I could give you a discount on the suite. We still have, um… six of them left. Do you only need it for one night?”

“I only need it for one hour,” she said with a wiggling eyebrow.

“Oh… ohhh,” he said as he saw the light. “How about $300?”

“Sold,” she said as she peeled off $350 to cover room tax. He handed her the access card and gave her a wink. “I assume I can just fill in the name and address with any old thing that comes to mind?”

“Knock yourself out,” Ryan grinned.

“Have fun,” he said lightly.

“Oh I will,” she promised. She walked over to the gift shop and purchased two toothbrushes and some paste, then strode confidently over to the elevator. She looked straight ahead and pushed the up button. Seemingly from nowhere Laura appeared a few feet away. They both got on along with a few other passengers. Their room was on the top floor and by the time they reached it they were alone. Ryan continued to ignore Laura, assuming that she would break the silence if she chose to. When the doors opened Ryan turned to the right but Laura hung a left. She walked to the end of the long hallway and opened the door to the suite, leaving it ajar as she entered. A few minutes later Laura came strolling in, and looked around with appreciation.

“You went all out, didn’t you?” she said happily.

“Yep. You look like you’re used to first class,” she replied. “But I got you a deal. I talked the clerk down from $450 to $300.”

Laura looked at her very quizzically, but didn’t comment. Ryan pulled the toothbrushes from her inner pocket and said, “My contribution to our little endeavor. It’s not much, but I didn’t have time to shop.”

Laura walked over and stood toe to toe with her. She draped her arms around her neck and purred, “How would you like to wash my back?”

“I thought you’d never ask,” she growled as she began to gently but determinedly remove her date’s clothing.

***

Two hours later Ryan fought through the haze of her exhaustion as Laura slid out of the tangle of sheets and went back into the bathroom. She heard the shower running as she lazily thought, She sure is clean. But then she remembered that Laura was probably going home to her husband and he might not appreciate ‘Eau de O’Flaherty’.

She reflected on the previous two hour long marathon. Laura had been nearly insatiable in her appetite for Ryan. She had pleased her in every way imaginable and Ryan once again mused that experience was a very good thing to have in a lover. She had found with a bit of surprise that she really liked being with an older woman. It had been a while and she reflected that there was something very sexy about an older woman’s approach to sex. She found Laura to be very sensual and deliberate in her lovemaking. She knew what she liked and she knew how to get it in a very efficient way. She seemed to have a lot of fun exploring Ryan’s body and she brought her to orgasm as though they’d been lovers for years. Laura had obviously been telling the truth about having had other quick flings. When Ryan insisted on safer sex practices she went to her purse and pulled out a handful of condoms and they had managed to use every one of them. It wasn’t the safest way but a cut open condom was better than nothing.

She dozed off while she was ruminating and the next thing she knew Laura was placing a gentle kiss on her forehead. “I’ve got to go, Honey,” she said. Ryan started to hop up but she put her hand on her shoulder to hold her steady. “I can’t afford to be seen going back to the gym with you. I have some friends who sometimes go there in the evening.”

“That’s okay,” Ryan agreed. “I can take BART back. Your change is on the table over there,” she said as she pointed to the sitting room.

That got her another puzzled look, but Laura just leaned over and gave her a very friendly kiss. “You could definitely become habit forming,” she whispered. “I can see why you offer so many disclaimers.”

Ryan blushed a little at the compliment. The sexy yet shy look on her face was too much for the older woman and she sat back down next to her and took her in her arms. A few more kisses started the fires burning again and it was very difficult for Laura to disengage. But she finally tore herself away from the lovely young woman and whispered, “Stay right there and let me see you spread out like that as I leave.” She got up and walked over to the table. She turned and said, “I’m leaving you money for a cab, Honey. I don’t think it’s safe to take BART after dark. Actually, why not stay over and go back in the morning?”

“Hmm, not a bad idea,” Ryan replied as she rolled over and stretched languorously. She was on her belly, lying in the rumpled bed with the sheet half covering her thighs. Her legs were bent at the knee with her clean pink feet pointing at the ceiling. Her hair was completely ruffled, but with that ‘I’ve just had great sex look’. She brought herself up onto her elbows and rested her head on her hands as she gave Laura one last sultry smile. “I had a marvelous afternoon,” she said. “I hope you did, too.”

“If you look at me like that for one more minute you’re going to have a marvelous evening, too,” she said with a mock glower. “I’ve got to get back to my so called normal life, but you’re making it very difficult to leave.”

“Just trying to keep the customer satisfied,” Ryan teased.

Laura blew her a kiss and departed as she said, “You were completely successful, Honey.”

Funny, Ryan thought. After two hours of having her munching on me she doesn’t remind me of my aunts anymore. She stretched out and rested for a few minutes but she couldn’t really fall asleep. Looking at her watch she noticed that it was only 6 o’clock. She picked up the phone dialed the familiar pager, putting in the full number of the hotel with her room number added at the end. A few minutes later she answered with a perky, “Hi, Conor, watcha doing?”

“Where are you?” he asked suspiciously.

“I’m playing grown up. What are you doing tonight?”

“Nothing, really. Da’s at work so I was trying to decide what to do for dinner.”

“Come over and play grown up with me,” she cajoled.

“Where the heck are you?” he asked again.

“I’m at the Mark Hopkins. Room 2350. Bring your toothbrush and a change of clothes. Oh, and bring me some clean underwear and a T-shirt,” she instructed as she hung up before he could ask any more questions.

A half hour later she was sitting on the big bed in her room watching cartoons. She had showered and was wearing the fluffy terry cloth robe that the hotel provided. She responded to the tentative knock on the main door, calling out, “Be right there,” as she scrambled off the bed. She threw open the door to find a very confused looking Conor.

“Why are we staying at the Mark Hopkins Hotel?” he asked.

“I had a little date earlier today and she had to leave. It seemed an awful waste to let this neat 2 bedroom suite sit idle all night so I thought we should enjoy it.”

“Hmm,” he said suspiciously. “Why not call your little friend from the gym,” referring to Ally.

“You know her name, Conor,” she reminded him.

“Yeah? Well I’ve never been introduced.”

“I know,” she admitted. “She’s not my girlfriend, you know. We just fool around together.”

“So why not call her?” he persisted.

“Because the last thing I want is more sex,” she said with a small grimace. “I had a great time, but enough is enough!”

“Wow,” he enthused as he looked around the spacious dwelling. “Two bedrooms and a sitting room? What did this place cost you?”

“They tried to get $450 for it, but they settled for $300,” she said, proud of her negotiating skills.

“Where’d you get $300 for a hotel?” he scoffed as he investigated every nook and cranny.

“Are you nuts?” she nearly shouted. “I wouldn’t pop for Motel 6! My date paid for the room; all I bought were the toothbrushes,” she said with a little eyebrow wiggle.

“Gee, what kind of dough does she have? And why did you have to get a hotel room?”

“Well, she has a…um…” she stammered as a deep blush covered her face and neck.

“Girlfriend?”

“Nope. She’s normally on your team, but she likes to switch hit once in a while.”

“Husband?” he asked, rather incredulously.

“Yep. I’m not terribly proud of that part but she does this all the time so I figured I wasn’t a home wrecker.”

“Wow, why would someone your age get married and then cheat with women?”

“When did I say she was my age?” she demanded rather impetuously.

“How old was she?” he asked rather hesitantly.

“Let’s just say she would be a much more appropriate date for Da,” she admitted.

“Gee, Sis, your moral code is just going down the toilet,” he said as he shook his head. “Congratulations!”

“Thanks, Conor, you really know how to brighten my day. Now go look at the room service menu and I’ll buy you dinner.”

“Cool!” he said as he walked over to the table to look for the menu. “Hey, where’d you get all the money?”

“Oh, my date said she was going to leave me cab fare. She must have put it there.”

“Where did you tell her you lived? Napa?” he asked as he walked back into the bedroom flapping the wad of cash.

“Shit!” she cried as she jumped off the bed and ran to grab the money. “I can’t believe she left me…” she started counting the money, “$250!”

“Don’t forget to declare this on your taxes,” he teased as he grabbed it back and slapped her with the wad of bills. “I think there is a code for self employed prostitute.”

She sank down in the nearest chair and dropped her head into her hands. “Conor I swear if you tell Da any of this…”

“Oh sure, Ryan. ‘Hey, Da, Ryan had sex with a 50 year old married woman at the Mark Hopkins who left her a $250 dollar tip! Cool huh?’ He’d beat me just for telling him!”

“I think I need to do a little soul searching,” she admitted. “This is getting out of hand.”

“Before you change your evil ways let’s call room service and spend your ill gotten money. Then if the vice squad comes we will have eaten the evidence!”

***

As Jamie left the gym over an hour later she noticed that Ryan’s bike was still in its place. “Gee, I wonder where she went?” she thought wryly.

***

Several hours later she drove by the gym on her way to a movie with Mia. She cast a quick glance and noticed the bike still sitting in the parking lot. Hmmm, that’s strange. I hope she’s okay.

When they drove by on their return trip the gym was closed but the Harley was still sitting there. Jamie really was worried about her friend, but she didn’t want to call and disturb her if she was still with the woman. I guess it’s possible that they went to her house and just didn’t want to go out again, she thought.

***

The next morning in class Ryan was her usual bubbly self. Jamie casually asked, “What did you do yesterday?”

“Um…I had a date.”

“Anyone I know?”

“Um…don’t think so,” she said quickly.

“Someone from school?”

“Ahhh, no.”

“Did you do anything fun?”

“Um…yeah, we had fun.”

“Think you’ll see her again?”

“Jamie,” she finally said. “What are you getting at?”

“Who, me? Getting at something? Oh, do you need a ride to pick up your bike from the gym? I saw it there at midnight last night.”

Ryan nodded to herself and said in more of a statement than a question, “And that bothered you.”

Jamie looked a little flustered as she said, “No, it didn’t bother me. But I was worried about you, Ryan. It’s not like you to leave your bike like that and I was worried that something had happened to you.”

Ryan asked the obvious question, “Why didn’t you page me?”

“Good question. I’m not sure. But it’s no big deal. You left your bike there all night. You had a date. You had a good time. Case closed.”

“You saw me leave with Laura didn’t you?” she asked as she fixed her blue eyes firmly on Jamie.

She looked very guilty as she admitted, “Yeah, I kinda did. I saw you leave, then I saw her leave, and then I saw that your bike was still there.”

“What bothers you?” she continued. “Her age?”

“Partly. She could be one of my mother’s friends!”

“Yes, and your point is that women over 40 shouldn’t have fun?”

“No, that’s not my point at all. It just bothered me, but I’m not sure why. Do you have to make a big deal out of it?” she asked crossly.

“Nope. I wasn’t aware that I started this. But I can stop it. See you later, Jamie,” she snapped as she turned and quickly walked away.

***

“Shit! Shit! Shit!” She cried as she watched Ryan stride down the curving path leading to the biology building.

***

That afternoon Jamie showed up early for their training session. She had a healthy suspicion that Ryan would just blow her off and she wanted to get there while she was still with her pervious client. But as soon as she finished Ryan made a bee line over to Jamie. “I am so sorry for snapping at you today,” she said sincerely. “You just hit a raw nerve and I let you have it.”

“It’s okay,” she reassured her. “I shouldn’t have been butting into your business.”

“Jamie, I love it when you are involved in my life. Please butt in as much as you wish,” she said as she put her arm around her and gave her a small squeeze.

“So…why were you upset? If you don’t mind my butting in.”

She looked quite contemplative as she stuck her hands into the slash pockets of her warm up pants and rocked back on her heels for a moment. “It’s hard to explain,” she admitted. “I guess I just feel like I…I don’t know, Jamie. I’m just a little disappointed in myself,” she said softly. “This isn’t who I expected to be.” She had such an open, vulnerable look on her face that Jamie truly wanted to toss her arms around her friend and take all of her pain away.

Instead, she merely gripped her shoulder and assured her, “I think the person you are is absolutely fantastic, Ryan. If you could see yourself through my eyes you wouldn’t have any doubts about the person that you’ve become.”

Ryan’s face curled up into a crooked grin and she returned the pressure on Jamie’s shoulder. “That was a terribly generous thing to say. Thanks for the vote of confidence.”

“I’d vote early and often for you,” she said as she beamed up at her friend.

***

Jamie drove through the thick fog one early Sunday morning in mid-November. Traffic was light but the pace was slow due to the poor visibility. She arrived at Ryan’s with very little time to spare. She was dressed in a pair of pressed khakis, a gold turtleneck and a dark green cashmere v-neck sweater. Ryan had told her to dress casually, but she had also brought along dressier clothes for later in the day.

She was a bit apprehensive about their plans for the day. Not that people haven’t already thought that Ryan was my lover, she reflected. Her own aunt thought so for goodness sake. This experience was going to be a bit different, however. They had discussed all of the options available to them for their ‘Gay for a Day’ project. It made sense to both of them to do something of a spiritual nature, so they agreed on this morning’s destination, The Metropolitan Community Church. Jamie was surprised to learn that this denomination had been in existence for over 25 years. It was founded to serve the needs of disenfranchised gay and lesbian Christians but was open to all.

Ryan trotted down the stairs just seconds after Jamie pulled up in front of the house. She was dressed in a similar manner, wearing a light blue turtleneck sweater with a fisherman’s knit cable crew neck over the top. She eschewed khakis for her usual blue jeans, but this pair was a little less faded than usual.

“Jeans for church, Miss O’Flaherty?” Jamie asked with an arched eyebrow.

“It’s gay church, Jamie. No dress code,” she said knowingly.

The church was close to the Noe Valley. They arrived for the 9:00 a.m. service about 10 minutes early. The church was rather small; Jamie guessed it would hold about 300 people, but it was obviously lovingly cared for. It was less traditional than most churches she had been to, but very familiar nonetheless. There was a large raised sanctuary that held a pulpit and a large altar. A beautiful stained glass window rose majestically from behind the sanctuary. There was a choir loft with a large organ and quite a few choir members already in place. Comfortable pews radiated out from the center aisle.

Three happy looking people were at the door to greet them. A tall, bearded man welcomed them and directed them to printed worship aids. They each took one of the little booklets and settled themselves into a pew not far from the front of the church. Jamie looked around with interest. The church was about half full and most of the people seemed to know one another. There were many hugs and kisses and handshakes being passed around. She guessed that the majority of people were gay, but she was fairly certain that she detected a few traditional family units as well.

Ryan had never attended the church so she was unable to shed much light on what to expect. After a few minutes the organ began to ring out a rather traditional hymn that Jamie recognized. A large procession began down the center aisle with the entire choir and various other acolytes and ministers following. Several people, men and women, were dressed as ministers.

The choir gathered in the sanctuary as the ministers took their places behind the altar. Both women were surprised to find that the service echoed the traditional Eucharist that both were familiar with. The main difference was that the service was concelebrated among 5 different ministers. An impressive looking black woman seemed to be the main celebrant, but a short pudgy Asian man read the Gospel and two Caucasian men read various scripture passages. The music varied between rather traditional Protestant hymns and very joyous African inspired melodies. A Caribbean themed Hallelujah sung before the Gospel had everyone swaying to the beat.

After the consecration the minister urged everyone to come forward and receive the Eucharist. Jamie and Ryan rose with everyone else and stepped forward. Ryan followed her but as they reached the front of the line the minister reached out and pulled Ryan forward until they stood shoulder to shoulder. After she handed each of them a host she placed her arms around them and pulled their heads together. She offered a prayer over them and solemnly blessed their relationship. She leaned over and kissed each of them on the cheek saying, “God loves you!”

Jamie was shaken by the experience as they returned to the pew. She cast a sidelong glance at Ryan who was kneeling down with her eyes closed. She did not detect anything out of the ordinary with her, so she sat quietly and reflected. Why did she assume we were a couple? Do we act like the other couples here? She looked carefully at the people approaching the communion rail. It was fairly easy to pick out who was together. People just seemed to fit as a couple. For some it was obvious, as they held hands or touched gently. For others it was their similar styles of dress. For still others there was just a clear bond between them that was obvious even to a casual observer. It was the way they stood next to one another, or perhaps an unconscious look or a smile. Whatever it was she wondered whether she and Ryan had it. We are dressed very similarly. We look about the same age, about the same socio-economic strata. But still…there is something more. Just then Ryan leaned over and whispered, “That was sweet, wasn’t it?”

She found herself smiling at Ryan in the same way she had seen the other couples do. There is something about us that just fits. And I think it is obvious to others. Maybe that’s what Cassie and Jack have picked up on. She worried about this for the remainder of the service. As they filed out the minister who had given them communion stopped them to shake their hands and offer a welcome. “Are you natives or from out of town?” she asked pleasantly.

“We’re locals,” Ryan replied easily. “But we’ve never attended services here before. It’s a very impressive ceremony,” she said with a smile.

“I hope you enjoyed it and that you’ll come again. It’s nice to have younger couples attend church together. How long have you been together?”

Jamie was completely tongue-tied but Ryan was clearly in charge anyway. “Gosh honey, how long have we known each other?” She counted off the months on her fingers. “It’s been nearly 4 months,” she said proudly.

“Ohhh newlyweds! That’s very sweet. We perform a very nice service for members of the congregation who want their union blessed. You two should think about it.”

Ryan grasped Jamie’s hand and said decisively, “We’ll do that, won’t we sweetheart?”

Jamie mutely nodded her assent as Ryan dragged her down the stairs and led her to the car. “Work with me here, Jamie,” she said teasingly. “You’re gay today, remember?”

“I..I..I’m sorry,” she stammered. “That just caught me by surprise.”

Ryan looked at her carefully as she hopped into the Boxster and started the engine. “Maybe we should have talked about this a little bit more,” she said carefully. “You look like that bothered you, and I do not want you to be uncomfortable.” She paused and gave Jamie a small smile, “Especially just before going into enemy territory.”

Jamie managed a smile in return. “No, it’s nothing, really. I guess I just don’t think I look gay, and it surprises me when people think we’re a couple.”

“Surprises you or bothers you?” Ryan asked as gently as possible.

“Maybe both,” she admitted truthfully. “I just had so many preconceived notions about lesbians before I took this class. It makes me look more carefully at some of my stereotypes.”

“Do you feel comfortable enough to go to our next destination?”

“Yeah, I do,” she replied firmly. After a bit she continued on with the earlier topic. “I think what bothers me the most is that it bothers me,” she said looking at Ryan quizzically. “Do you know what I mean?”

“I think so. Do you mean that you don’t like the fact that you have a bit of an adverse reaction to people assuming you’re gay?”

“Yeah. It really bothers me that it bothers me. How am I different from Cassie or Jack or my parents if it bothers me when people assume I’m with you? I give them these big lectures about how normal it all is. Do I really believe that?”

“Jamie, don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ve gotten negative images about lesbians for a long time. You’ve been seeing a more balanced portrait for only 4 months.” She smiled and took her hand, “I’ve got to tell you, I am very sensitive to negative vibes. And I’ve never gotten any from you. I feel perfectly comfortable touching you and hugging you. I wouldn’t feel that way if I detected that it made you in the least bit uncomfortable.”

“You know, Jack asked me about how we interact,” she admitted. “I told him that you touched me more than my other friends, but that I felt very comfortable with it.”

“Do I really touch you more than your straight friends?” she asked with a touch of surprise.

“Yeah, you do. I told him that I thought it was because you are so comfortable touching women in general, and you just treated me the same way.”

“I don’t always initiate it, do I?” she asked shyly.

“No, I do it a lot of the time. I just feel more comfortable around you physically than I do my other friends.” She paused for a moment, “What about you?”

“I think you were correct. I am very touch positive anyway. I really believe you need a minimum daily requirement of hugs to sustain life. But because I’m so comfortable with women I guess I do just let that comfort flow to women that I’m not sexual with.” After a bit she continued with a concerned glance, “You never feel I’m coming on to you, do you?”

“No Ryan, I never have,” she said firmly.

***

By this time they were back at the house. Ryan looked at her seriously and asked, “Are you sure you want to make our next stop?”

“Definitely.”

***

When they had discussed their options for the day they agreed that they needed to go at least one place where they might encounter some discord. Jamie suggested that they go to a lovely little tea room right in the heart of the Peninsula. “If there is a straighter place on earth, I’d hate to see it,” she said at the time.

Now Ryan was a little concerned. She was afraid that Jamie might run into someone she knew, perhaps even her mother. But Jamie was firm in her resolve. They went downstairs to change, with Jamie taking the bathroom where she could hear Ryan rummaging through her closet, softly cursing. “Having trouble out there?” she asked.

“I have one acceptable outfit to wear. And I don’t wanna wear it,” she grumbled.

Jamie emerged from the bathroom looking every bit the young Hillsborough debutante. She wore a short dark tan skirt in a fine washable silk. Atop the skirt she wore a long silk jacket in a tan, black and cream paisley. The jacket was made to be worn without a blouse as the stand up collar buttoned all the way up to her throat. Large gold knots graced her ears and a heavy gold chain hung from her neck, resting just under her collarbones.

She gasped slightly at she took her friend in. She might not like her outfit, but it liked her very, very much. A pastel pink cashmere sweater set covered a simple short black shirt. A black velvet headband held her bangs back and the pearls again covered her ears and neck. She wore plain stockings and simple black pumps. The short skirt and heels managed to make her legs look tantalizingly long and her smoothly curved calves were very attractively displayed.

“Why on earth do you not like this outfit?” Jamie marveled. “You look beautiful.”

“I hate, loath and despise skirts,” she said with disdain. “Next to skirts, I hate heels,” here she held up her foot to display the offending footwear. “They both change the way you walk and the way you sit. I am sure they are both an evil plot to subjugate women and render us unable to protect ourselves.” After a pause she continued with a smile, “But thank you for the compliment.”

She walked around Jamie slowly, examining her wardrobe. “This kind of thing looks like it was made for you,” she said as she pulled the jacket up to look for a label. “But knowing your family, it might have been,” she said teasingly.

“No, I bought this off the rack with the rest of you mortals,” she replied haughtily. “But I did buy it in Milan if that makes you feel better,” she said with a twinkle.

“My Aunt Maeve gave me this outfit 5 years ago for Christmas. This is only the second time I’ve worn it,” she said proudly.

As they walked back upstairs they met Conor coming down from his room. “Wow!” he said with appreciation. “Where are you two going?”

“We’re going to the Peninsula for tea,” Ryan replied elegantly.

“I don’t know how you did it, Jamie, but keep up the good work,” he teased as he eyed his sisters’ legs. “I forgot she was a girl,” he said as he tried unsuccessfully to tickle Ryan.

***

As they drove along in the lifting fog Ryan did her best to prepare Jamie for the encounter. “The only way you will get a taste of what being gay is like is if we really act like girlfriends. But I want to be sure that is not going to bother you,” she said solicitously.

“What do you plan on doing?” Jamie asked somewhat nervously.

“Nothing graphic, Jamie,” she laughed and slapped her arm.

“I was afraid you were going to act like you did that night I saw you at the bookstore,” she teased.

“That would get us arrested in the Peninsula,” she said somewhat seriously. “No, I just plan on acting like I would with anyone I was seriously dating. I just want to be sure you won’t be uncomfortable if I touch you or hold your hand.”

“I guess that depends on where you touch me,” she said with a mock leer. “No, I’m certain I’ll be fine. I really do want to see the reactions you get when straight people realize you’re gay.”

***

They arrived just before noon. The shop was located on a main business street and they were forced to park several blocks away. Jamie was amazed at the physical transformation of her friend. Ryan acted completely comfortable and natural in her outfit. Her gait was shorter and her hips moved noticeably more, as Jamie was all too happy to observe as she walked slightly behind her. Her posture was significantly less aggressive and she gave off an almost demure aura. She looked physically smaller and more feminine, and Jamie was unable to stop herself from staring. Ryan noticed her stare and teased, “I like to keep ‘em guessing. I think I do a pretty good straight girl imitation, don’t I?”

“It’s…it’s amazing,” Jamie stuttered. “How do you do that?”

“I just try to look a little less imposing. I try to look less like a jock, too,” she added with a grin. “Wearing a skirt and heels helps because they really don’t let you take a normal gait.”

“But your demeanor is so different.”

“Having 3 brothers helps. I know what they like in a woman, so I try to be like that.”

“Truly remarkable,” Jamie remarked. “I don’t think I’ve ever noticed before but you really are different from my straight friends.”

“Aren’t you observant?” Ryan smirked. “What was your first clue?”

Jamie gave her a pretty good elbow right in the ribs. “Not that difference, silly. It just dawned on me what is different about you. You don’t look like you’re trying to please or appeal to men. You just look like yourself.”

“Exactly!” Ryan cried. “It’s not that I don’t like men, I just don’t go out of my way to appeal to them.”

“Right,” Jamie agreed. “You relate to men as an equal. I noticed that when you met Jack. But when I see Cassie around him she’s always batting her eyes at him or acting kind of helpless. And I do that too. I always let him do things for me that I could easily do for myself but he seems to enjoy showing that he’s stronger than I am.”

“I think a lot of that is very unconscious, almost like it’s hard wired into people. I don’t consciously try to intimidate men but I do a really good job at it. Guys flirt with me all the time but it usually only lasts for a few seconds. Once they interact with me they almost invariably back off. Funny, huh?”

“Yeah, you just give off a vibe that says, ‘Not interested’. But when I see you flirting with a woman the energy coming off you is almost visible.”

“Really?” she asked as she blushed a little. “I don’t think I realized that.”

“Oh yeah,” Jamie drawled. “Every ounce of your considerable charisma comes right to the surface. It’s fascinating to watch.”

“I’ve got to be more discrete,” she moaned as Jamie laughed at her discomfort.

***

They walked into the tiny shop a few minutes later. The room was rather stuffy and proper, just as Ryan expected. They were greeted at the door by an elegantly dressed woman who graciously showed them to a center table. After they were handed menus Ryan asked Jamie if she had noticed the admiring glances from the other diners when they had entered. Jamie admitted that she had not. “Pay closer attention,” Ryan instructed. “People are definitely looking at us.”

Jamie casually glanced around the room and noticed that people were still looking at them with approval. She looked back at Ryan and said, “I agree that people have noticed us, but I get that a lot. Don’t you?”

“Why do you think people do that?” Ryan asked, ignoring the question.

“I guess because we’re attractive and we’re dressed well. We look like we fit in I suppose.”

“Precisely,” Ryan agreed. “Now continue to pay attention to the other diners.” Jamie watched in fascination as the real Ryan returned. She slid her hand across the table and gently grasped Jamie’s. Her eyes softened and she stared deeply into Jamie’s eyes lovingly. After a moment she tenderly lifted Jamie’s hand and kissed her palm, closing her eyes in pleasure, then softly placed Jamie’s hand on her cheek, cradling it there for a moment. As she released her she whispered, “Still paying attention?”

“Huh?” she said vacantly. But she mentally slapped herself back into consciousness and looked around the room again. The formerly friendly faces had uniformly grown dark and disapproving. People were discreetly pointing them out to others who had not noticed. Jamie nodded her head to show that she was still doing her job.

“Want to make it worse?” she asked with one raised eyebrow. A small nod caused Ryan to pick up her chair and move very close. She took a roll from the basket on the table, broke it apart and put a little butter on it. She held up the morsel in front of Jamie and raised an eyebrow seductively. She cocked her head a little and raised the eyebrow again. Jamie mutely nodded as her mouth fell open. Ryan placed the bread in her mouth, tipping it in with her index finger. She gave Jamie an extremely sexy smile and grasped her hand again.

After a few moments of trying to make her mouth work again Jamie looked around. Now no one was looking at them. Every other diner tried to make them invisible. They continued to chat and observe the other patrons but as the time passed Jamie began to grow impatient. They had been at the restaurant for a good 15 minutes, but no one had come to take their order. After another few minutes passed Jamie signaled to the hostess but she blithely ignored her. So she got up from her chair and stormed over to the woman, ready for a fight. “Why haven’t we been served?” she demanded, rather loudly.

“We’re very busy today,” was the arch reply.

“Every table that entered after we did has been served. I’m asking you again, why haven’t we been served?”

“Why can’t you people stay in the City?” she asked with an aggrieved sigh as she brushed past Jamie and into the kitchen.

Jamie stood in shocked silence for several minutes. Every other diner in the restaurant was looking at her, either blatantly or surreptitiously. She finally walked back over to Ryan with a very angry look on her face. “For two cents I’d throw you right down on this table and ravish you in front of these idiots!” she said fiercely.

As Ryan trotted out the door after her she said somberly, “That’s why I hate to wear skirts.”

Jamie turned to look at her with a puzzled look on her face. “What?”

“No pockets for change. I don’t have two cents.”

Jamie backhanded her right in her firm belly. “Wiseass,” she muttered as they walked to the car laughing.

***

Ryan patiently listened as Jamie vented her anger all the way back to the Noe Valley. She was just about out of steam as they neared the house. “Ryan, why aren’t you angry?” she finally asked out of frustration.

Ryan considered the question for a long while. Finally she replied, “I don’t find anger that productive. I figure that if people are put off by me it’s only because they are not used to seeing lesbians be authentic with each other.” With a little shrug she added, “I try not to take it too personally.”

“But how can you not?” Jamie insisted.

“Look, Jamie, I get my feelings hurt just like everyone else does. I wish that everyone could just get over making gayness such a big deal. But that’s not going to happen very soon. I just can’t afford to waste my energies caring what strangers think of me.”

“Does it ever bother you?” she inquired.

“Of course it does. Every once in a while if I’m feeling vulnerable or I have PMS I’m tempted to really lash out when it happens. You saw how it bothered me when Cassie was giving me a hard time. It bothers me when Jack or your parents do it. But I still try not to get angry. Anger is just not an emotion that works well for me.”

Jamie looked at her friend thoughtfully, “You are incredibly well adjusted you know.”

“A lot of people wouldn’t agree with that, but thank you anyway,” she grinned.

***

As Jamie pulled up in front of the house Ryan asked, “Did you bring gay clothes?”

“I wasn’t sure what to wear to a lesbian sex emporium. My charm class apparently didn’t cover that occasion,” she replied airily.

“Did you bring some jeans?” Ryan asked.

“Yeah, some old 501’s,” Jamie replied.

“I can take care of the rest,” Ryan said decisively.

After watching a few minutes of the 49ers game with Da and Conor, Ryan led Jamie downstairs. “Okay, let’s see what you have.”

Jamie pulled out a very old pair of 501’s and a pair of black high top Converse basketball shoes. “Is this a good start?” she asked hopefully.

“What size are these jeans?” Ryan asked suspiciously as she searched for the inside tag. “Jamie, this is a 24 inch waist. How old are these?”

“Um, freshman year I think,” she replied honestly.

“Freshman year of what?” Ryan asked, seeing through the deceit.

“Um, high school?” was the timid reply.

“It’s been obvious that you haven’t been able to gain any weight but it’s starting to look like you’re still losing. You are, aren’t you?” Ryan inquired sadly.

“Yeah, a little I guess,” Jamie admitted. “I know what I should be eating but I just can’t do it when I’m tense. I’m kinda surprised you haven’t been giving me a hard time about it,” she admitted. “I was afraid you were going to really be on me.”

“I reconsidered my threat to watch you like a hawk. The last thing I want to do is increase your anxiety. I want to be supportive of you, but I don’t want to be another person who tries to control you. You’ve got enough of that already.”

Jamie gave her a delighted smile as she slid her arms around her for a hug. “Thanks. I appreciate your concern but I really am glad that you haven’t tried to supervise me.”

“I’m confident that you now know what you should be eating. I assume the nutritionist can do her job and the rest is up to you. If you need any help I hope you’ll ask, but other than that I just want to support you. Is your energy level okay?”

“Yeah, it’s pretty good. I know I have to eat more but given that, I feel good.”

“Okay, you’re the boss. If you feel good we can keep your workouts pretty intense even with your weight dropping. But I want you to promise me that you’ll tell me if you start to feel tired or fatigued.”

“It’s a deal, Coach,” she promised.

***

After several attempts Ryan was finally satisfied with her choices for Jamie’s lesbian look. She wore the smallest t-shirt that Ryan owned. It was a thick yellow cotton baby tee that was supposed to fit rather snugly. On Ryan it stopped about 4 inches above her waistband, but it was just below the waistband of Jamie’s jeans. Over the tee she wore a light blue bowling shirt that proclaimed ‘Holten’s Mortuary’ across the back in black script. Her own jeans and high tops completed the outfit and Ryan was quite satisfied that she could pass for a lesbian anywhere in town.

Ryan, of course, never had a problem looking gay. She wore one of Jamie’s favorite outfits. A snug black short sleeved t-shirt tucked into amazingly well fitting faded jeans, a black belt, big, heavy black boots, and her favorite hat, the backwards black driving cap.

They walked back upstairs so Jamie could watch a bit of the game while Ryan made lunch. Conor jumped up from his prone position on the bed, his face wide open in shock. “Ryan, what have you done to her?” he said as he shot his sister a glare. “I thought she was rubbing off on you, but now this?” he said sadly as he waved his hand toward Jamie’s outfit.

“Relax, Conor,” Ryan said wearily. “It’s just an experiment for our class.”

“You’d better bring her back to her normal gorgeous self, Ryan. This is too precious a commodity to hide under bowling shirts,” he said distastefully.

***

Ryan decided that she wanted another breakfast for lunch and Jamie readily agreed. Da and Conor had already eaten, so it was just the two of them at the kitchen counter. Ryan had made fabulous banana pancakes along with Irish bacon and big glasses of orange juice. “This is beyond delicious, Ryan. You are quite the little cook,” Jamie said appreciatively.

“I would say that breakfast is my favorite meal to cook. You get quick feedback that I really like. I don’t really have the patience to cook dinner. Everything takes so long,” she reasoned.

While they munched away Ryan asked her again if she was comfortable with their next stop. “We could just go and look around like normal,” she offered. “You don’t have to make people believe we’re together.”

“No, we set it up this way for a reason, Ryan. I want to really get a flavor for all of the different facets of life as a lesbian. We had a little spirituality, we had a little homophobia and now we get a little sex,” she waggled an eyebrow seductively.

“Have you ever been to a place like this for straight people?” Ryan inquired.

“No. I’ve never had much of an interest. It all seems so lurid,” she said as she made a face. “I just don’t get most porn. It is all so objectifying of women. I fail to understand how you can say you love women when you really just make different parts of them a fetish.”

“So why do you want to go to ‘ Good Vibrations’?” Ryan asked.

“I didn’t know there was an erotic themed store made for women. I guess I want to see if women are interested in the same things men are. Have you been there before?” she inquired.

“Uh…Yeah,” she said simply.

They arrived at the little store just after 3 o’clock. Jamie was impressed with the set up. It looked just like a regular bookstore. Neat shelves were arranged along the outside walls. Books, videos and paraphernalia were neatly displayed in an open manner. There was nothing clandestine or lurid about the place. There were big windows that were whitewashed to keep out casual observers and the windows combined with the open shelving to make the store look clean and spacious and inviting. “Hi, Ryan,” said a young woman shelving books. Ryan greeted her in a friendly manner as they continued to look around the store.

“Oh, hi Ryan,” said the woman at the counter as they passed.

Jamie leaned in close and whispered, “Did you say you’ve been here or that you lived here?”

Ryan blushed all the way up to her hat. “Maybe I just have a memorable name?” she meekly replied.

A prominently displayed video caught Jamie’s eye. The title was ‘Bend Over Boyfriend,’ and it was advertised as an instructional video for straight women who want to penetrate their male partners. Jamie stood in front of the display with her mouth hanging open and Ryan couldn’t help but lean over and ask, “Getting ideas?”

She turned her head and made eye contact with her but she could not reply. She shook her head numbly as Ryan led her away. “I…I…I would never have guessed that women wanted to do that!” she gasped out. After a second she started to chuckle just a little bit under her breath and soon she was laughing out loud at her private joke.

“What’s so funny?” Ryan finally asked.

“Even though I didn’t know that people actually did that I had a very pleasant fantasy the other night about impaling Jack on something. I just didn’t know that it was an approved form of sexual expressions!”

“Hey, sexual expression is pretty fluid. People seem a little less role oriented now.”

“Jack would have me committed if I brought that home!” she muttered.

“Hi, Ryan. How have you been?” cooed a customer as she eyed Ryan with unconcealed interest.

“She’s been busy!” said Jamie curtly as she grabbed Ryan’s hand and dragged her away.

Ryan nearly doubled over with laughter. “What was that about?” she finally choked out.

“I’m supposed to be with you,” she replied logically. “She was hitting on you right in front of me. I can’t tolerate someone dissing me like that.”

“You are a piece of work, Jamie. A real piece of work,” she said admiringly. “So you want to play for real, huh?” she said with a glimmer of danger in her blue eyes.

“Yeah,” Jamie said with more confidence than she felt.

“Come with me,” Ryan purred, as she took her hand. They walked over to the counter where yet another woman greeted Ryan by name. “Hi, J.C.” Ryan said with a friendly smile. “Got anything new in the try on rooms?”

“Yeah, we got some new things in this week. But remember, Ryan, you break it—you buy it,” she said seriously. “And don’t forget to put a condom on!” she said rather loudly as Jamie felt herself being led to a small dressing room in the back of the store.

Her eyes were wide with alarm as Ryan opened the door to the small room. As she closed the door she turned a little sign that read ‘occupied’ around to face outward. On a little table lay the most unique and mysterious sex toys that Jamie had ever seen. Actually, Jamie had never seen a sex toy, but there was little doubt that was what they were. “Yipes!” was all she could get out as she tried to avert her eyes.

Ryan laughed gently at her discomfort as she sat down in one of the two chairs in the small room. “Do you want to continue the game, or are you uncomfortable?” she asked solicitously.

“W..w..what do I have to do?” she asked with wide eyes.

“Nothing, nothing at all,” Ryan reassured her. “I was just going to show you some of the toys if you want me to.”

“Um … Okay,” she replied gamely. “What did that woman at the counter mean?” she finally asked.

Ryan blushed again as she answered, “I brought someone here last year and she got a little enthusiastic and broke one of these,” she laughed as she held up what Jamie guessed was a vibrator. “I thought she should pay for it, since she broke it, but she didn’t have any money, so I got stuck paying $40 for a vibrator I didn’t use. It seemed quite unfair to me,” she said reasonably.

“What was that about a condom? That confused the heck out of me.”

“They’re very careful about safer sex here. They clean everything with bleach between customers, but they still want you to put a condom on before you insert anything.” Now Jamie blushed as Ryan continued. “The same woman who broke the vibrator wanted to play with some of these,” here she held up a lavender latex object shaped like a dolphin, “and she refused to put a condom on. So when we left I ratted her out,” she said proudly. “So now they think they have to remind me to use a condom when it was me who told on her.” She shook her head, “I don’t get it. I’m entirely innocent.”

“Of all the adjectives in the world, innocent would be the last one I would use for you,” Jamie said as she patted Ryan’s pink cheek. After a moment she regained her poise and asked, “Do you bring dates here a lot?”

“Well, you’ve gotta remember that I live at home…” she trailed off.

“And sometimes the cars are too small, right?” Jamie offered helpfully.

“Yeeeah, that’s about it,” she agreed.

Jamie was really rather fascinated by the assortment of devices that the little room held. There was one vibrator that interested her in particular. It was a rather normal looking red plastic from the cord until about 4 inches up. But a clear, flexible rubber piece above that was filled with multicolor beads. When the vibrator was turned on that rubber piece began to twist, extend and retract in a rhythmic fashion. It looked much more like a child’s toy than a sex object.

There was an assortment of dildos in pretty pastel colors. Some were shaped like women; some like animals and some were just plain cylinders. Jamie noted that none were made to resemble an actual penis.

A large bowl of various styles of condoms was centered on the table along with a box of baby wipes. 3 or 4 bottles of lubricant were also available for use. Jamie shuddered a bit to think of Ryan using these toys, especially with another woman, right here in public. She was very curious to find out if Ryan used things like this on a regular basis, but she realized that was too invasive a question, so she refrained.

“Do you think most lesbians use things like this?” she heard herself asking just a moment later as her curiosity got the best of her.

“I can’t speak for most lesbians,” Ryan replied with a smirk.

“What about the thousands of women you can speak for?” she asked sweetly.

“I think most women like to play around with toys once in a while. It spices things up a bit. But I don’t think that most women need things like this to be satisfied.” She reflected for a moment, “My philosophy is that sex should be fun. If playing with toys makes it more fun for both of you, why not?”

“That’s a philosophy that I would like to be able to copy. Maybe someday,” she said wistfully.

“Are you about ready to leave?”

“Yeah, I guess we made a statement of some sort by the amount of time we spent in here,” she laughed.

As Ryan opened the door she wrapped her strong arm around Jamie’s waist and whispered into her ear, “Look satisfied.” Jamie was very glad that arm was where it was as her knees turned to rubber at the thought.

***

The next stop was back to the O’Flaherty house for their last change. They both got into workout clothes and covered their outfits with sweats. Jamie loaded all of her previously worn clothes into her garment bag and they took off for the gym.

They had decided to work out together since the day didn’t allow for their normal bike ride. Jamie realized that in the nearly 2 months that she had worked with Ryan she had never actually seen her lift weights. They arrived at the gym at around 5 o’clock. There was almost no one else in attendance on this cool fall day. The 49ers were locked in a big game for the lead in their conference and the game was obviously keeping people at home or at a sports bar.

They went to the locker room and removed their sweats. Jamie was wearing a pair of navy blue leggings with a matching sports bra covered by a lemon yellow oversized tank top. Ryan had on a bright red Lycra unitard. The garment was sleeveless and styled like a tank top and the legs stopped just at the largest point of Ryan’s muscular thighs. I am so glad that she doesn’t work out with me on a regular basis, Jamie thought with a shudder. It’s just not fair for any one woman to look that good.

They moved out into the gym and each spent a few minutes on the stair climber to loosen up and raise their heart rates a bit. After 10 minutes Ryan hopped off and went to the first machine. They had agreed that Jamie would do a very light intensity workout of all 6 of the major muscle groups, partly because Ryan was afraid of overstressing her already taxed system.

Ryan had been varying her own routine just to keep things interesting. She had done a lot of rollerblading and a good bit of running to keep herself fresh. She hadn’t worked out in the gym for over a week, but it was now time to get serious, so she decided she needed a fairly high intensity session.

Jamie sat down on the seat of the chest press machine as Ryan adjusted the weight. She went through her reps in the usual manner, but Ryan advised against doing two sets. After she rose, Ryan adjusted the seat and the weights for herself. Jamie noticed with a bit of envy that she lifted over three times the amount of weight that she could handle. Ryan had been relaxed and chatty as she usually was when Jamie worked out. But the minute she sat down on that seat her entire demeanor changed. Jamie watched in fascination as the dramatic change came over her friend.

Ryan was a study of total focus. She did not look at herself nor did she glance in the mirror. She kept her eyes unfocused, staring out into space. Her face was unlined, but there was a level of concentration that Jamie had rarely seen before. She began to move the weight with a smooth cadence, with each rep exactly matching the one before. The plates barely touched down lightly before they were pulled into motion again. Ryan did not appear to strain nor did she make any sound. It was truly as though Ryan had become the machine. She did not look like she was lifting something. She was just moving gracefully and the huge stack of weight moved right along with her.

After her first set she paused for less than a minute. She was still in a deep state of concentration, but it was clear that her breathing was slightly elevated as she began the next set. By the time she had finished her third set Jamie could see the perspiration begin to pop out at her hairline. Amazingly, she increased the weight 10 pounds and sat back down for another set. She was obviously having trouble with this one, but she kept at it. Jamie could see that she struggled to make the reps perfect and she smiled when she saw Ryan’s right foot begin to tap rather impatiently on the floor as she pushed. The exertion was making her veins bulge and Jamie couldn’t help but notice that Ryan’s nipples popped out as she strained with the heavy weight. She sat for a moment at the end and got up smoothly. “Oooh, that felt good,” she purred.

It was all Jamie could do not to swoon as she followed Ryan around from machine to machine. Her friend followed the same routine for each exercise, but Jamie found each to be a thing of beauty. Ryan was a study of power, grace and fluidity. She reverted to her normal demeanor when Jamie was lifting, then effortlessly shifted back into the intense concentration that she obviously needed to work.

When Ryan had adjusted the Leg Press machine Jamie watched in rapt amazement at the amount of weight that she could push. Every muscle in those tanned legs stood out in start relief, and Jamie could see the strands of muscle jump and flex from the strain. The massive weight moved smoothly through all three sets, and by the end of the 3rd set Jamie had to fight to make herself stop staring before Ryan looked up. She was only partially successful but just received a grin in response. “Would you like to have quads like these when you grow up, little girl?” she said with a flourish as she slapped her pumped thighs.

Jamie could only nod her head as she struggled to shut her gaping mouth. The rest of the workout went smoothly and they were finished in a little over an hour. Jamie was sweating freely when they finished, but Ryan had been dripping onto the floor for some time now. “Do you always sweat so much?” Jamie asked in amazement.

“Yeah, I do,” she easily replied. “Your output of perspiration follows your fitness level. I only worry when I don’t sweat,” she said as she chugged a liter of water.

“How much water do you drink in a day?” Jamie inquired.

“A minimum of 5 liters, much more if I’m doing something strenuous,” she replied.

“Um, this wasn’t strenuous?” she regarded Ryan’s dripping clothing.

“I mean aerobically strenuous, like running or riding my bike on hills. You won’t believe how much I will drink on the ride,” she smiled in remembrance. “You haven’t lived until you’ve tried to find your tent in a dark campground in the middle of the night when you have to get up to pee 3 times,” she laughed.

“You know, I’ve never even asked you what the accommodations were for the ride. We sleep in big tents?”

“Nope. Little tents. Little two person tents.”

“We each get one?”

“Nope. 2 per tent. There’s barely room to change your mind,” she laughed. “I thought we’d bunk together, if that’s okay with you.”

After a short internal struggle to move her mouth Jamie croaked out, “Sure. Fine,” as she was assaulted with images of sharing a tiny little space with her friend for a whole week.

***

After they had returned to the locker room Ryan began to shuck every stitch of her wet clothing. Jamie turned her back as she put her sweats back on over her own damp gear. Ryan was grumbling as she looked through her gym bag. “You don’t have any extra clothes do you?” she inquired.

“No, why do you ask?” she replied.

“I guess I’m going commando,” she grumbled as she dried off and put her sweats back on.

“What’s commando?” Jamie inquired as she turned around to face her friend.

“That’s what the boys call it when they don’t wear underwear,” she revealed. “I forgot to bring any and I can’t go out in this weather with wet clothes on.”

Why does she have to tell me everything? Jamie moaned as she followed behind Ryan, eyes cast downward in an attempt to avoid an independent investigation.

***

As she dropped Ryan off Jamie declined her offer of a warm shower. “I think I’m gonna go down to Palo Alto and try to make nice with Jack,” she revealed. “I think he’d appreciate it if I came down to make him dinner.”

Ryan nodded sagely and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “I had a fantastic day, Jamie. Thanks for making it so much fun.”

“I’m the one who should be thanking you, Ryan. It was really cool to be let into the inner sanctum,” she said with a laugh.

“Well, you didn’t really see the inner sanctum,” she admitted. “You have to take the oath before we let you in there. More importantly, you have to learn the secret handshake,” she said with a definite leer.

***

As Jamie headed back to the expressway thoughts about the day drifted across her mind. Images of the workout continued to flood her mind and by the time she reached Jack’s her entire body was flushed with excitement and desire. She buzzed his apartment on her way up the stairs, taking them two at a time. He opened the door in surprise as she pushed him back in to the apartment.

“I don’t want to talk, I just want to do this!” she growled as she grasped his head and kissed him thoroughly. He didn’t utter a word as she began to strip off her still sweaty clothes. When she was naked she performed the same service for him. He was instantly aroused and as she pushed him back against the couch he finally muttered, “I missed you today, Jamie.”

She cut off all attempts at further conversation as she straddled his seated form and locked his lips with hers, never letting them go until they were both collapsed in a post coital haze.

I guess I just need a gym in our house when we get married, she mused as they stumbled to the bedroom for another round.

***

She awoke at around 10 p.m. Jack was lying behind her with his arms wrapped tightly around her naked body. His head was snuggled against her back and she felt content for the first time in a long while. We get along fine when we don’t talk, she thought disgustedly as she extricated herself from his arms. I wonder how many years we can stay married if the only way we communicate is with moans and grunts, she mused as she stumbled into her sweats to make the long drive home.

Chapter 10

Thanksgiving break was coming up in only 2 days. The break was only Thursday and Friday but Jamie planned on spending the time at her parents’ home, mainly because she couldn’t think of a valid reason not to. She and Jack would spend Thanksgiving afternoon with her family and then have a light supper with Jack’s family.

The break was a great time for Jamie to catch up on all of her reading for her classes as well. Staying on top of her reading was getting more difficult with all of her training, so she really needed at least 2 days of uninterrupted concentration. She had devised a training schedule that emphasized bike riding in lieu of weight training for the week, since she had decided not to go into Berkeley on Friday for her training session since the trip would take up most of the early evening. Ryan was more than willing to meet her at the gym, but Jamie thought it was important to not make any plans to go to Berkeley in case her parents or Jack wanted to occupy her time.

She did, however, make plans with Ryan to go on a long ride on Friday morning. She knew that Jack would study during the day and since she was staying with her parents he wouldn’t even need to know she was going. They decided to meet at a big regional park that had a lot of attractive bike paths, mainly because she just didn’t think it was a good idea to have Ryan meet her family yet.

On Thanksgiving morning she and her father sat in the sunny library as they enjoyed a cup of coffee. “I’ve been worried about you a little bit Honey. Did everything work out between you and Jack?”

“Yeah, Daddy, we talked it out the next day,” she affirmed. She did not think it wise to involve her parents in the details of her relationship with Jack, but she appreciated her father’s interest.

“I got the impression that things had been difficult for a while, Honey. Do you want to talk about it?”

“No, not really. I think we’re just going through a phase. He doesn’t like some of the changes I’ve been making but I really think he’ll get used to my being a little more independent.”

“I must admit that I was concerned when Jack mentioned that your new friend was a lesbian,” he stated thoughtfully. Jamie felt her hackles start to rise as she looked at him carefully, hoping he would drop the matter. When she didn’t respond he persisted, “Well?”

“Well what, Daddy?” she asked blankly.

“Why are you spending your time with her, Jamie? That hardly seems appropriate for a young woman like you,” he stated.

“What do you mean by ‘a young woman like me’?” she asked. “Ryan is a perfectly lovely young woman also.”

“But Jamie, you’re a young woman who’s engaged to be married. Don’t you think it’s wiser to spend your time cultivating friendships that can carry over into your married life? You two need to build some relationships with other couples,” he explained.

“Ryan is my friend. I enjoy her company, Daddy. The fact that she is a lesbian is an inconsequential element of our relationship. I think it would be nice to have some friends who were in a couple but since we never leave Jack’s apartment, that’s a little hard to do.”

“Well, Jack certainly didn’t seem to think that it was inconsequential and as he made clear, neither does Cassie.” He paused for a moment as he regarded her carefully. “Is your new friend more important than Jack’s feelings?”

“Yes, she is Daddy. If his feelings are based on preconceived, stereotypical notions of what a lesbian is.” She looked at him sadly, “I really thought you were more open minded than this.”

“I am profoundly open minded Jamie. And I do not like being referred to as otherwise,” he said with a good deal of pique.

“Then why do you assume that Jack and Cassie’s opinions are more valid than mine?” she replied logically. “I’m the one who knows Ryan. They have spent less than 10 minutes with her.”

“I’m not implying that their opinions are more valid, Jamie. I am saying that I don’t feel it’s appropriate for you to spend an inordinate amount of time with someone like that. You’ve known Jack for 3 years and Cassie for 7. They know you very well, Honey. Why would they feel the way they do if there wasn’t something about this woman that was of some concern?”

“I truly believe that they have let their prejudice take over. Jack admitted that he’s jealous of her because he assumes she’ll try to get me into bed!” she said with an exasperated look.

“And why do you assume she won’t?” he asked with his own look of frustration.

“Well at least it’s nice to know you’re not narrow minded,” she said as she deposited her coffee cup on the table and stormed out.

***

Dinner was a very tense affair. Not even Reverend Evans could add much spark to the occasion. He realized that something was seriously wrong between his son and his granddaughter but he did not have the opportunity to speak with Jamie alone to determine what it was.

Before Jamie left he embraced her and said into her ear, “Call me tomorrow.” She pulled back after kissing his cheek and quietly agreed.

On the drive to the Townsends Jack finally asked the obvious question. “What’s going on between you and your father? You two were shooting daggers at each other all day.”

She gave him a thoughtful look as she debated how much to tell him. Finally deciding that it was better to know she asked, “Did you talk to him about our problems?”

He shot her a perturbed glance as he replied, “No, Jamie, I have not. Frankly, I’d be embarrassed to admit how little you respect my opinions.”

“Pull the car over, Jack,” she said in a tone that did not allow for discussion. He pulled over onto a lovely tree lined street on the outskirts of Hillsborough. He killed the engine and rolled down his window to let some of the crisp fall air into the tension filled car. He turned as much as he could in the little import and faced Jamie with a look of quiet resignation on his face.

“Yes?” he asked wearily.

“It’s obvious that both you and Daddy are unhappy with the changes that I’ve been making,” she said slowly. “But even though I love both of you very much neither of you are going to control me.” She took a deep breath as she continued. “We can have a good life together Jack, but it has to be a life where both of us get to be who we really are.”

He sat in silence for a few minutes; his shoulders still a little slumped. Finally, he took a deep breath and slowly let it out. “Look, Jamie. I know you’re used to getting everything you want. I know you’ve been terribly spoiled both with material things and by always having things done your way.” He ignored her look of outrage and blithely continued. “But that’s part of you and I’m willing to accept that most of the time. But you’ve got to learn that there are some things that you’re going to have to give in on. It can’t be me who has to give in all of the time,” he explained as patiently as he could.

She was silent for a long time as she dropped her head back against the vinyl seat. Shaking her head slowly she asked in a voice filled with sorrow, “Is that really how you think of me? As a spoiled little rich girl who gets everything she demands?”

“Well, yes,” he said confidently. “I feel like I’m supposed to make the sacrifices in our relationship and I’ve got to admit that I’m growing a little tired of it.”

Her anger had been bubbling up throughout his explanation and when he finished she felt the words begin to fly from her mouth. “What sacrifices have you made, Jack? I’m dying to hear them,” she said bitterly. “Tell me about how you have to leave your house in rush hour traffic every Friday night. Tell me how you no sooner arrive than you have to start dinner, alone, while I sit in the living room and read. Tell me how you feel when I barely comment on what you’ve made. Tell me how you do the dishes alone while I continue to read. Tell me about how you sit in the living room and watch me study every Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Tell me about how you feel when the only time I pay attention to you is when we have sex. Tell me how you lie in bed and get so frus…” She yanked herself back from the abyss just before she told him exactly how unhappy she was with their sex life. The tension in the car was so thick that it was nearly visible, but she was afraid to look at him. Long minutes passed before he finally spoke.

“I didn’t realize you were so miserable,” he got out as a tear escaped down his face.

“I’m not miserable!” she said fervently. “I’m not!” She lifted her hand to his face and softly stroked his cheek. “I’m not,” she whispered as the tears started to slide down her own cheeks. “Are you miserable, Jack?” she asked softly.

“No,” he said shakily through his tears. “But I was so much happier before. You seemed happy too,” he said. “Now you just seem tense around me. I know you’re not happy, Jamie and it’s driving me crazy!” he choked out as he began to sob. She continued to stroke his cheek and run her fingers through his hair for a long time. As he got control of his voice he added, “I know you don’t like what we do in bed. But I just don’t know how to please you. I swear I’ve never had this problem with any other woman. I just don’t know what to do,” he moaned.

“It’s okay, Jack. I swear I’m not unhappy with you. It’s just that I’m changing and growing up a little bit. I love to come down here on the weekends, and I love to cook for you. But when you give me such a hard time about what I do when we’re not together it just drives me insane! I think that’s why it’s been hard for me in bed,” she admitted. “I need to feel totally connected with you to be able to enjoy sex. When we have this ongoing tension I just can’t relax. But that’s all it is, Honey, I’m sure of it.”

He looked over at her with an expression that was equal parts fear and trust. The sadness in his sweet blue eyes nearly broke her heart. “Honey, can we get out for a moment?” she finally asked.

He looked a little suspicious but he complied, coming around to stand on the sidewalk next to the car. She got out and stood right next to him as she put her arms around his waist. He slid his arms around her back and held her close for a long time. He bent his head to smell her hair and breathe in her reassuring scent as he felt some of the tension ebbing away. Jamie felt the same way and she looked up into his eyes and said, “I feel so good when you hold me. It just feels so right to be close to you.”

He squeezed her tightly as he felt the emotion well up in his chest. “I’ll try harder, Jamie. I swear I will.”

***

The evening spent with the Townsends was thankfully more jovial than the tension filled afternoon at the Evanses. Jack came from a fairly large extended family and a raft of aunts, uncles, cousins and their children were in attendance. Jamie spent some time playing with the assorted children and that lifted her spirits substantially. She took a little break to go into the kitchen and offer to help. She noted that every adult woman was in the kitchen chatting about their kids and their husbands. The conversation was fairly interesting, but it just seemed a bit alien to her. After her offer of help was rebuffed she went into the living room to watch a bit of the Dallas-Philadelphia game on TV. She paid close attention to the conversation and noted that not one man mentioned his spouse or his kids. They talked exclusively about the game, politics and their jobs. Are we really so different? How can we ever expect to get along for 50 years if we just aren’t interested in the same things?

She was not really included in the conversation and she realized that Jack didn’t even seem that happy to have her in with the men. Even though she knew more about football than half of them, she felt like her comments wouldn’t be appreciated so she eventually went back to play with the kids.

It’s odd how I feel so out of place here. When I’m at the OFlahertys I never feel like a woman, I just feel like me. The boys treat me like one of them, not like I’m different. But here it feels like there are two different camps and I’m not in either one. The women don’t accept me because I’m not a mother yet and the men never will. Where do I belong?

Jack’s cousin Stephanie had a 6 month old boy named Ethan that Jamie was drawn to. She whisked him away and carried him around the house as she spoke into his ear. Stephanie was at least 10 years older, but she was the cousin closest in age to Jamie. “You can get one of these for yourself,” she teased as she came up from behind.

“Not for a long while,” Jamie said confidently. “I’m sure I won’t have a child before I’m 30.” She had not noticed, but Jack was standing next to Stephanie and as Jamie turned she caught the shadow that passed over his face. Now what did I do?

“So you want to keep her all to yourself for a while, huh Jack?” Stephanie asked playfully.

“Jamie’s the boss,” he said with a thin smile as he turned to head back to the safety of the football game.

Well that answers that question, she thought disgustedly. They left her alone with the baby and her thoughts immediately turned to her friend, I wonder if Ryan has commandeered Caitlin by now, she thought wistfully. I’d give anything to be with the O’Flahertys today. I wonder if Jack will mind if I spend all of the holidays with Ryan after we’re married? she thought with a disgusted sigh.

***

After Jack dropped Jamie off at her parents home the next morning she spent a long time getting ready for her bike ride. The park was a good 10 miles away, but she decided to ride there just so she could leave earlier. As she came downstairs her mother regarded her with alarm. “Where are you going in that outfit?” she said as she stared at the skin tight black shorts and the equally snug emerald green jersey.

“I’m going on a bike ride, Mother,” she replied airily as she continued down the stairs.

Her mother continued to stare at her, so Jamie did not even stop to get a bottle of water. She nearly jogged to the front door and grabbed her bike from the open garage and took off. Ahhh, freedom.

When she finally met up with Ryan she was already a bit tired. She told her friend the bare outline of the conversation with her father, but she elaborated on the two dinners that she had endured and included the low points of her argument with Jack. Ryan listened carefully, but could not really offer much solace.

Ryan had of course had a lively Thanksgiving. “It was exactly like the party for my birthday except we had cranberry sauce and dressing but no cake. I stole Caitlin right at the start and I didn’t have to give her up all day,” she gleefully related. “You should hurry up and get married so I can play with your kids,” she teased.

As soon as those words hit her ears Jamie was struck by a bolt of panic. She realized with perfect acuity that Ryan would not be a part of her future. Jack would never allow Ryan to attend their family dinners and carry their children around the house. Her father would never warmly welcome Ryan into his home. Marrying Jack would necessarily destroy her friendship with Ryan.

“Jamie, what’s wrong?” Ryan asked in alarm as she got a look at her friend’s face.

“I think I have a cramp in my thigh,” she said as she stopped her bike and hopped off. Ryan did the same and bent down to examine the affected part. While Ryan was bent over Jamie did her best to compose her face. She was absolutely not going to share this revelation with her friend. Ryan began to knead the muscles in her thigh while she gazed up at Jamie’s face. After a moment she asked, “Is it better now?”

“Much,” Jamie replied as she forced a smile. She gazed at her as she worked on the leg for another minute. I can’t lose you Ryan. I am not going to let them take your friendship from me. No matter what!

***

After they had ridden for a good 10 miles Jamie pled exhaustion so they found a nice grove of trees and sat at a picnic table to rest. Ryan gave her a sly smile as she patted the top of the concrete table and instructed, “Come on. You know you want it.”

She hopped up without a second invitation as Ryan removed her shoes so her feet would not slide on the slick painted surface. Those strong hands started at her feet and worked slowly up her leg. By the time she reached her groin Jamie was tingling with sensation. It took her a second but the realization quickly hit her that this was nothing less than pure sexual arousal. She shook her head and reassured herself that it was not odd to become aroused when anyone touched you in such an intimate way. But she knew she had to put a stop to this quickly. “Could you concentrate on my calf where I had the cramp?” she asked in order to keep those hands away from her crotch.

“Umm, the cramp was up here,” she said as she trailed her fingers along the inside of her thigh, mere inches from her throbbing vulva.

“Oh, right. Well, I must have a new one because my calf is sore now,” she lied weakly.

Ryan set to work on the illusory cramp and after a few minutes Jamie called a halt to the entire endeavor. “Thanks,” she said as she sat up and started to put her shoes back on.

“But I didn’t get to the sore spot,” she complained.

No, and we’ll get arrested if you do, she thought wryly. “Feels fine,” she said even though she knew she would feel much better if she let her continue.

Ryan hopped up on the table and sat next to her. “You seem awfully tense. Are things really going that badly for you?”

“Yeah, they really are,” she admitted sadly. “I just don’t know what to do about Jack.”

“Are you sure you still want to see me as much? I just feel so guilty that I seem to be the cause of your problems.”

“No, Ryan,” she reassured her forcefully. “You are most definitely not the cause of our problems. We have lots more issues than who I see. Just last night we had another fight about sex.”

“Ahh, wanna talk about it?” she asked hesitantly.

“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable,” Jamie replied, hoping that Ryan would insist.

“I’m not uncomfortable talking about sex, Jamie. You’ve heard me at the talk line. I just don’t want to pry where I don’t belong. I don’t want to embarrass you.”

“So you’d really be okay if I wanted to talk about something really personal?”

“Yep. I guarantee you won’t shock me. Remember that I have the most hours logged at the Talk Line,” she teased.

“I know, I know, but you never talk about really personal things so I guess I feel like you must not want to.”

“No, that’s not it at all. I just haven’t had many issues come up that have been bothering me. I’ve been sexually involved with women since I was 17 remember. I’ve had a lot of time to work out my issues.”

“Is it hard for everyone to work out their issues as a couple?” she asked thoughtfully.

“I’ve never been with anyone for an extended period where some issues didn’t arise,” Ryan admitted. “I mean, how could they not? You’re never more open and naked emotionally than you are with your sexual partner. All of your dormant issues come bubbling up to the surface when you expose yourself like that.”

“I guess that does make sense,” she admitted. “I just don’t know how to get anywhere on my issue.”

“Tell me about it,” Ryan said firmly.

“Well, I know I’ve hinted that we don’t get along great sexually.”

Ryan nodded her assent, maintaining her neutral glance.

“Well last night I decided that I was tired of being frustrated. So I got a little more aggressive. I asked him to please me first.”

“Is that the first time you’ve done that?”

“Yeah, it is,” she admitted with a blush. “I usually just let him do his thing and hope for the best.”

“Go on,” Ryan urged.

“I thought it went well. He got me there pretty easily when I gave him a few extra pointers,” she said as her blush deepened. “But when he actually entered me he just didn’t seem very excited. He finally finished, but it took him forever! Normally he just likes to go to sleep but I asked him what the problem was and he was tired enough that he didn’t censor himself. He said he didn’t enjoy sex as much when I was satisfied first because I wasn’t as responsive. He said I move more and act more excited before I’ve had an orgasm.”

Ryan nodded, trying to remain impassive even though she was beginning to get angry with Jack.

“So the bottom line is that he’d rather I was frustrated so he can have a better orgasm!”

Ryan guessed it was her turn so she jumped in. “What about pleasing you after he has an orgasm?”

“No, I don’t think so. I’m usually too sensitive right afterward and his hand just causes too much friction. He tries, but either his fingers are too big or he just doesn’t know how to be gentle enough. I get all tense and that just makes him do it harder which is the worst response.”

“I’ve got another suggestion,” she said quickly. “What about touching yourself while he’s inside? I know the equipment isn’t the same but when a woman has her fingers inside me I have to have some stimulation on my clitoris to reach orgasm.”

Jamie wasn’t sure why but the thought of Ryan on her back with a woman’s fingers in her was enough to make her pass out. And just hearing her say ‘my clitoris’ made her pulse throb. She fought with herself to stay focused on her issues with Jack but the image kept flying through her mind. “I guess I can try that too,” she finally agreed. “But I don’t really enjoy the penetration all that much so I’m not sure I could get there.”

“Um…what about oral sex after he’s finished?”

“You’re serious, right? He would rather poke his eye out than do that after intercourse. I offered that suggestion once and he acted like I was insane!”

“Too messy?”

“Yeah. But it’s his mess!” she said defensively.

“Remind me to count my blessings again today,” she teased. She ducked Jamie’s swat as she continued in a more serious vein, “What about mutual oral sex?”

“Umm do you mean…?”

“Yeah. Could you give him a blow job while he goes down on you before you have intercourse?” she asked neutrally.

All of a sudden Jamie regretted having brought this entire topic up. She squirmed on the table top for a moment before she said, “I can’t do that.”

“You can’t do what?” Ryan asked gently, sensing Jamie’s growing discomfort.

“I can’t give him a blow job,” she said as the deep pink flush infused her cheeks. “I don’t know why but it makes me sick to my stomach.”

Now Ryan was stumped. She felt that oral sex was one of the most glorious experiences ever devised and she had a hard time understanding why Jamie would be so opposed to it. “Have you tried it?” she finally asked.

“Yes. I’ve tried it,” she admitted softly. “But he kept hitting that thing in the back of my throat and I truly almost threw up in his lap.”

“Uvula,” Ryan helpfully supplied.

“Pardon?”

“That thing in the back of your throat is your uvula,” she said. To herself she thought, Any idiot would know not to shove his dick so far down your throat as to make you gag, but she said, “It sounds like he got a little carried away. Maybe you should try it again but make sure you control how deep he goes. If you stayed on top of him you have a better chance of controlling things.”

“I guess I have to try it again,” she conceded, but she looked so glum that Ryan felt sorry for her.

“You’re going to be with him for a very long time,” she reminded her. “You don’t have to have all of your sexual issues worked out before you get married but if you close the door to a lot of experiences I’m afraid you’ll never try to open the door again.”

Jamie pursed her lips and nodded her head slowly. “I know I need to be more open, Ryan. But part of me is just selfish. I know Jack doesn’t like to use his mouth on me and I’m unwilling to get over my fears if he isn’t willing to do the same. I’m afraid it’ll just be me pleasing him without him trying to please me.”

“Jamie,” she said gently. “Please don’t take this as criticism but it puzzles me that you seem to begrudge doing things to please him. I mean, I’ve never been with a man but if men turned me on I think I’d be playing with their penises all day long. Like when I’m with a woman,” she said softly as her voice became gentler and rather sensual. “It’s her breasts and her vulva that turn me on. I just can’t keep my hands off them,” she laughed gently. “Don’t you feel that way about his penis?”

Oh God, why did you have to say that! she screamed to herself as her mind locked on the image of Ryan’s hands on her breasts. “Um, well…no, I don’t think like that about his penis,” she admitted. She placed her hands behind herself and leaned back on her locked arms. “I’ve never thought about it this way, Ryan,” she had to admit. “But I don’t think of his penis as a toy for both of us to play with. It seems more like the little dictator,” she admitted with a wry laugh.

“Huh?”

“Our sex life is all about his penis,” she revealed. “When he’s hard he wants to have intercourse. It’s really simple for him. He comes inside me and within a few minutes he’s satisfied. But it doesn’t work like that for me,” she explained. “I mean…” She looked at Ryan for a moment and tried to translate her frustration to fit Ryan’s sexual orientation. “Remember those dildoes we saw at ‘Good Vibrations?”

“Yes, I have a working knowledge of those,” she said with an impish look.

Jamie gave her a playful swat and continued. “How would you like it if you were dating someone for a long while and every time she pulled that dildo out you were supposed to be turned on just by looking at it?”

“Umm…just by looking at it?”

“Yeah. And most mornings you felt it jabbing you in the back and you knew that she just wanted you to turn over so she could put it in you?” Now Jamie was getting into the topic and the words just flew from her lips. “And every time you made any serious romantic gesture the dildo popped up again. If you kissed her with any passion or rubbed your hand on her thigh, the dildo would come out and you’d be on your back with it inside you.”

“Umm, no other foreplay?” Ryan asked weakly.

“Sometimes,” Jamie admitted. “But the dildo is where all the focus is. Your partner gets almost all of their satisfaction from putting that dildo inside of you, no matter how turned on you are. And once she’s thrust it in you enough she pulls it out and looks at you with an expectant smile and asks, ‘Did you come?’ “

Ryan nodded her head briefly and gave the obvious answer. “I’d take the damn dildo and throw it away,” she admitted. “I wouldn’t allow her to use sex toys on me if she couldn’t be more connected to my body.”

“That’s just how I feel sometimes,” she admitted. “I don’t agree with Lorena Bobbit’s tactics but I have empathy for her,” she said with a chuckle. “His penis just dictates everything, Ryan. And when he has an orgasm he seems to lose all motivation to continue to please me. I mean, he makes the gesture, but I can tell he wants me to cuddle him and let him go to sleep.”

“Gee, Jamie, that really is a tough one,” she admitted. “Clearly, the only way to approach this is to tell him what you need and make sure he does it. You’re going to have to set the ground rules because it doesn’t sound like he understands how to please you.”

She blew out a frustrated breath and nodded slowly. “I know that’s what I have to do, but I so want him to want to please me. Do you know what I mean?” she asked with a sad and terribly vulnerable expression on her face.

“I know,” Ryan soothed as she rubbed her back gently. “But maybe if you told him he would eventually get to know you well enough that he would have some ideas of his own. You’re going to be with this one man for the rest of your life, Jamie,” she said solemnly. “You can’t just hope for the best. I think you need to talk this through. You have to trust that each of you wants the same thing in a relationship or you’re in real trouble.”

Jamie looked up through half hooded eyes and asked, “You’ve been in his position; do you enjoy performing oral sex on another woman?”

“I told you about being with Sara,” she replied in a matter of fact tone.

At Jamie’s nod she continued. “Not long after the ‘event’ with her I met a woman when I was rollerblading in Golden Gate Park. I was still very fragile and I felt unattractive and totally undesirable. Katie was an intern working at the park through a program that Berkeley runs through their landscape architecture program. She was just 3 years older than I was but that seems like a lot when you’re not quite 17. She was taking a break and came over to sit next to me on a bench. We started talking and before I knew it she asked for my phone number. I had never been picked up before and I didn’t have a clue what to do so I stuck to the phone like glue until she called. Luckily for everyone in the house it only took her a day!”

Jamie laughed at her friend’s self effacing recounting of this youthful encounter.

“She had a little apartment that she shared with two other women not far from Telegraph. I hopped on BART and went over for my first date with a woman. It was a Saturday afternoon in late May as I recall. I was so nervous I practically barfed on the train. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do or what she expected of me. For all I knew we would just sit and talk or go to a movie.” Ryan’s face curled into a smile as she recalled, “She had something a little more intense in mind.”

“You must have been terrified!” Jamie cried.

“Yeah, I guess I was. Her roommates each had a job and they were only going to be gone for a couple of hours so we got down to business right away. My hands were shaking so badly that she had to go first,” she said with a laugh. “She kissed and touched me until I thought my head would explode,” she said with a chuckle, smiling to herself at the memory. “But when she started to move down my body I just about freaked!”

Jamie joined in her laughter, terribly amused by her friend’s animated facial gestures. “I was sooo naďve! I knew that girls gave guys head but I had never stopped to think about the converse. But from the first touch of her tongue I was a convert! Wow,” she mused dreamily. “I can still feel it.” She shook her head and looked over at Jamie, laughing when she caught sight of the look on her face. Her friend was intensely interested in the story at this point. She was sitting right on the edge of the table, hanging on to every word.

“So?” she asked eagerly.

“So…”

“So what was it like?” she demanded.

Ryan turned serious and regarded her carefully. “Do you really not know, Jamie?”

She shook her head rather violently. “If the half hearted attempts that Jack has made are representative of the act you are very, very easily pleased,” she declared.

“Well,” Ryan mused. “I’m not sure how to describe it. To be honest even though I still enjoy it a lot it’s lost a lot of allure since I practice safe sex all the time. Honestly, that’s one of the reasons I’d like a steady girlfriend. I’d like both of us to get tested for STD’s and then stay monogamous. I am so sick of barriers!”

Jamie was still staring at her intently, obviously waiting for a response to her earlier question. “Okay!” Ryan laughed at her expression. “I’ll do my best. Oral sex with someone you care about is the most intimate touch that you can imagine. I mean, it’s using one of your most sensitive organs to give pleasure to them through their most sensitive organ. It’s exposing yourself fully to your partner’s touch. You’re just so vulnerable in that position but the vulnerability is very erotic for me. There’s just no greater sign that you love and trust someone than allowing them to touch you in that way, Jamie. It’s just such a special touch…I really wish that you could try to experience it for yourself.” She caught the questioning look that had not changed and asked, “Didn’t I describe it well enough?”

Her friend shook her head briskly. “You described your emotional reaction really nicely. But what’s it like physically?”

“Hmm, that’s even tougher,” she mused as she let her head fall back against her shoulders. “I don’t think I’ve ever tried to describe this before.” She spent another few minutes deep in thought and finally said, “I guess it’s the combination of the vulnerability, the intimacy and the slightly naughty nature of the act, but all of that comes together for a real wallop on the old central nervous system,” she said thoughtfully. “It’s just a jolt of sensation when they first touch you. It starts in your vulva but just radiates out until your whole body tingles. Their tongue feels so warm and wet and soft, just such a tender touch. And if you’re turned on enough it just feels like someone pouring aloe on a sunburn. It’s really very soothing. But within seconds that fire is burning hotter than ever and you just want to jump in and let it burn you alive.” Ryan’s eyes were half closed and her mouth was curled up into an adorable little grin as she softly described the act. She had a dreamy expression on her face that perfectly matched her soft, sensual voice. Jamie knew that she had stopped talking and she sensed that it was now her turn. But she could not make her mouth move. She tried gamely, but the signal just could not get to her mouth from her brain since all of the other neurons were sending signals to her own vulva.

Ryan turned her head to look at her friend’s open mouthed stare and finally asked, “Too much information?”

Jamie shook her head roughly to snap herself back into reality. “No, No, not at all,” she insisted. “I just…I’ve never…I mean…”

“I know,” Ryan said gently as she patted her knee. “But you can, Jamie. I know you have a ton of passion that just hasn’t been tapped.” She smiled at the still stunned looking woman and said, “I think you’re going to surprise yourself someday, Pal. I guarantee your best sexual experiences are in front of you.”

“I certainly hope so!” she laughed. “I couldn’t go on if I thought they were behind me! But back to your story. Wasn’t it hard to touch her that way the first time?”

“No, not really. What she had done to me felt so utterly fabulous that I had to do it to her just as a way of thanking her!”

Jamie laughed again at Ryan’s guileless face as she recounted her tale. “So, did you like it?”

“Like is not even in the ball park,” she said wistfully. “I felt like we were merged into one big, throbbing, pulsing body. I was completely, totally, helplessly in love with Katie no more than 2 seconds after my tongue touched her. Of course she was a little more realistic about the experience,” she said sardonically.

“What happened?” Jamie asked as she placed her hand on Ryan’s shoulder.

“About what you would expect,” she related. “She was from Iowa and since the term was over she was going home. She didn’t want me to write to her and a few weeks later she sent me a note and said, ‘Thanks but no thanks’.”

“You poor baby,” Jamie said with a face full of empathy.

“No, no, Jamie, this isn’t a sad story. I didn’t know a thing about Katie. I wasn’t in love with her. But she showed me how totally wonderful oral sex can be and for that I am forever grateful. I have no idea where she is today but wherever she is I hope she has gotten as much out of the act as I have over the years.”

“So is Jack being a baby because he won’t try it with more enthusiasm?” she asked with a bit of trepidation.

“No, not really. I had someone who showed me how to do it and how it felt to have it done to me. It’s not quite the same for you but I bet if one of you was more experimental the other might follow.”

“I guess that’s about the only other option I have at this point,” Jamie agreed. “If I ever want to have an orgasm I guess I’ll have to try one of your suggestions. I’m sure he won’t like it though. He views every orgasm as inferior if it doesn’t come from penetration.”

“That’s ridiculous!” Ryan shouted before she could catch herself. “I would never try to dictate how my partner had an orgasm. Jesus! I do everything in my power to please my partner and these are women I hardly know!” She was immediately chagrined to have allowed herself to vent like that, but she was getting so sick of this guy. She hated to see Jamie saddled with an insecure jerk like this, but she knew that it was not her business. She vowed immediately to keep her opinions to herself, but she was amazed by the smile that lit up Jamie’s face.

“Thanks. I really mean that,” she said softly. “You’ve really made me feel better. I’ve been so afraid that what I wanted wasn’t reasonable. But you’ve helped me see that not everyone is like Jack.”

“Jamie,” she said as she took her hand. “Sex is an important part of a relationship. You have a right to your own pleasure. You just need to figure out how to best please yourself and then you need to ask for it. You can’t spend the rest of your life with this man only caring about him and his satisfaction.”

“I know you’re right, Ryan. But it’s just another area that is not going to go smoothly,” she predicted.

***

The rest of the weekend passed at a snail’s pace. The restless boredom that had been tugging at her guts grew worse as the hours passed. She spent time with her mother, going shopping and trying out 3 new restaurants. Did I used to enjoy this? After spending yet another lunch listening to her mother talk about absolutely nothing of interest Jamie thought that she would scream. I’ve been here for 4 days and neither she nor Daddy has really asked about me. I know they don’t know what classes I’m taking. They know nothing about my life. They don’t even ask about Jack. Am I just so used to this disinterest that I’ve not noticed it before?

***

After dinner with her parents she decided to go spend the night with Jack. He was glad to see her, but within an hour he was engrossed in his schoolwork. Jamie pulled out her own books and spent the evening reading while sitting on the couch with her legs in Jack’s lap.

Before bed she went into the kitchen to get a drink. He came into the kitchen just as she was finishing and sat down at the kitchen table. “I love having you here, Jamie,” he said with a smile as he took her hand. “It just doesn’t feel like home when you’re not around.”

Warning bells were sounding in her head but she ignored them and asked the question. “Why do you love me, Jack?”

He looked completely dumbfounded. “You know why I love you Jamie,” he said defensively.

“No, I really don’t,” she disagreed. “I know that you tell me you love me, but you never tell me why.” She grasped his hand and looked at him with pleading eyes. “Please tell me.”

He stared at her for a long time before he finally answered. “I guess I love how I feel when I’m with you,” he said thoughtfully. “You make me feel whole.”

Is that all??!!! She continued to stare at him without saying a word. Silently she prayed that he would continue with something–anything—about her.

“I am really attracted to you,” he continued hesitantly. “I love the way you look and I love the way I feel when I touch you,” he smiled shyly as he began to do just that.

She concentrated with every fiber of her being and finally found the strength to shut down the voice that was screaming for her attention. She repeated the mantra, He does love you, he just doesn’t know how to express it. He does love you, he does.

***

On Monday Jamie got to the gym just as Mia was finishing up.

Ryan’s mood was ebullient when she greeted her friend. “Hiya,” she said with a big grin as she gave Jamie a quick hug.

“You certainly look happy,” Jamie said as she caught some of the infectious mood.

“What’s not to be happy about?” she asked lightly.

“Good point,” Jamie replied, thinking that she could spew for an hour about her unhappiness with Jack.

***

Mia was still at the gym working on the stair climber when they had finished their session. Jamie approached her and asked, “Would you like to go grab a bite with Ryan and me?”

“I’d love to as long as I can go shower first. I would scare the livestock the way I smell right now,” she replied as she wrinkled up her nose.

“I think we could both use a little freshening up,” Jamie agreed. “Let’s go home so we can take a shower, then we’ll decide where to go.”

Mia called dibs as soon as they walked into the house. She trotted up the stairs with the promise that she would be quick. Jamie and Ryan walked up to her room to wait. They discussed all of their menu choices and when Mia was done Ryan went back downstairs to allow Jamie to get ready.

“So, how do you like working with Ryan?” she asked after Mia came into her room.

“I like it a lot, James. You were right; she is really good at what she does. And she’s a lot of fun too,” she conceded. “I guess I should just accept your view of people and save myself some trouble.”

“I’m really glad you like her, Mia. I knew that you two would get along, being that you’re my two favorite people.” Mia smiled at her friend, pleased by the confirmation of their long friendship.

After they were presentable they settled on a Thai restaurant within walking distance. During dinner Jamie grew pensive and finally asked, “Do you guys think it’s odd that Jack can’t tell me why he loves me?”

Mia looked at Ryan who returned the gaze. They mouthed “Oh, Oh,” in unison, as they laughed. Mia spoke first, “I guess that doesn’t really surprise me,” she replied. “Guys are not great at that kind of thing.” She paused for a minute, “Let me guess, his answer was either ‘Gee, I don’t know, I just do’, or it was about how you make him feel,” she said presciently.

“Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner,” Jamie replied. “His answer, and I quote, was ‘I love how you make me feel when we’re together’. ” She let out an aggrieved sigh. “It makes me feel like I have to guess how he feels and just assume I’m right.”

“Well, that is the safest course,” Mia agreed with a slight chuckle.

Jamie noticed that Ryan had not responded, and was in fact gazing down at her meal, deep in thought. She decided to drop the subject and they began to discuss their workouts and the ride and other topics of mutual interest. At about 7:30 Mia announced that she was meeting some friends for a movie. Both Ryan and Jamie declined the invitation to join the crowd and Mia took off after hugging both of them goodbye.

After they had settled the bill they began to walk down Telegraph. The street was still filled with the merchants who set up tables along the sidewalk and they browsed for a long time. After they had turned down a quieter street Jamie suggested they stop for a coffee. They found themselves at ‘Sufficient Grounds’, Jamie’s favorite spot. They received their respective lattes and settled into a table.

Jamie noticed that Ryan was still a little reserved, so she finally asked, “What’s bothering you? You were so up before dinner, and now you seem a little sad.”

Ryan looked down at her coffee and shrugged her shoulders a little. “I don’t know if I should talk about it,” she finally replied.

“Should or want to?” she asked. “If something is bothering you, I want to know about it, unless you don’t want to talk about it, ” she said firmly.

Ryan looked up with those deep blue eyes and stared at her intently for a long minute. “It’s about what you said about Jack,” she finally revealed. “It hurts me that he isn’t able to make you feel better. I want you to have a great relationship. I really want you to be happy and fulfilled, Jamie,” she said sincerely as their eyes locked again.

“I appreciate that more than I can say, Ryan,” she said as she patted her friend’s folded hands. “I know I shouldn’t be so hard on him. Maybe I just didn’t give him time to think.”

Ryan shook her head a little. “That’s what I was doing in the restaurant. It only took me a moment to think of what I love about you,” she said with an embarrassed little smile.

“Tell me,” Jamie said simply as she grasped her hands as they continued to stare into each other’s eyes.

“Okay,” she began hesitantly. “I love how you treat other people. You have a ton of empathy for others, and it’s very genuine. Not just a token. You’re thoughtful and kind and very considerate. I’ve never heard you make a derogatory comment about anyone. Not even Cassie who certainly deserves a few,” she laughed. “I love your intelligence and your sense of humor. You have a really quick mind and I love to see you work on a problem. I appreciate how much you love language and literature, and how deep your knowledge is on the topic. You make me laugh more than anyone I know, and that’s saying a lot,” she smiled. “I love how interested you are in other people and topics that you aren’t familiar with. You have a real love of life and you’re really open to new experiences.” She thought for a minute as she continued, “The bottom line though, is your heart. Your compassion and love for other people constantly impresses me. It’s what I love the most about you.” As she finished she looked up to see tears forming in Jamie’s eyes. She pulled one of her hands from Jamie’s grasp and laid it on top of hers as she smile tenderly at her.

“That was the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me,” she finally choked out. “But do you know what the funny thing is?”

Ryan shook her head a little as she cocked it in a question.

“As you spoke I was thinking that every trait you ascribed to me was exactly how I would describe you,” she said sincerely. “I’ve never met anyone who is as connected to their feelings as you are Ryan. That is such a gift. I hope you find someone that you can share it with who really appreciates it.”

Ryan looked a little surprised but finally replied, “That’s part of the reason I’m so happy tonight.”

“What do you mean?” Jamie asked, a bit confused.

“I’ve been thinking a lot about love and relationships lately. I was bothered by the interaction that I had with that older woman. That’s why I snapped at you when you called me on it,” she admitted with a bashful grin. “But I had some time to really reflect due to the time off from school. And I think you’re right Jamie. I have been avoiding real intimacy. I’m worried that if I keep avoiding it I won’t be able to be intimate when I feel I’m ready. So I’m going to try to find a real girlfriend and stop my serial dating.”

“Anyone is mind?” Jamie inquired lightly.

“Yeah, as a matter of fact. It’s someone you know,” she revealed.

“Who?” she asked, really confused.

“Tracy Stuart, from class,” she explained. “You know her, right?”

“Yeah, I know her.” Boy do I ever know her. From the first day of class Jamie had been impressed with the tall, lean brunette. It was a toss-up between Ryan and Tracy for who was more beautiful, but Tracy had a sleek, smooth feminine grace that was mesmerizing. Jamie had often thought that Ryan and Tracy would make a knock out couple, but she had never seemed interested in Ryan. “How did you make a connection with her?” Jamie finally asked.

“Well, I tried to talk to her one day just after school started, but she shot me down fast,” she said with an embarrassed grin. “She was dating another woman, so I didn’t approach her again. A couple of weeks ago I heard that they had broken up and I tried to talk to her again.” Here she looked a little embarrassed. “She told me that she had no intention of being just a stop on the O’Flaherty Express,” Ryan blushed at being called at her game. “I thought about that a lot the last couple of weeks. But after that encounter with the woman from the gym I just decided that I had to stop sleeping with everyone who caught my eye. I called her on Saturday and she agreed to have coffee with me,” she said happily. “You know, Jamie, this is the first woman I have pursued in years,” she said as she blushed again.

“So what happened?” Jamie asked, beginning to get a little nervous.

“We talked for a long time. I confessed that she really had my number.” She paused for a moment. “But then I asked her if she would go out with me if I promised not to see anyone else and I promised to remain open to having a real relationship.” She looked up at Jamie. “I had no idea that I was going to offer that, but she really is something Jamie. I don’t remember the last time I was this attracted to a woman,” she shyly revealed.

“So did she agree right then?”

“Nope,” she said happily. “She made me wait until today. She called me this afternoon and agreed to go out with me tomorrow evening.” She laughed a little, “She also told me in no uncertain terms that when she said ‘go out’ she meant ‘go out’.” Here she gave a bemused chuckle, “I don’t think I’m going to ‘have my way’ with this one for quite a while,” she drawled.

“Are you okay with that?” Jamie asked with a laugh. “I know you have ‘needs’ that you are used to having filled.”

“I think my overactive libido could use a rest,” she reflected.

“This could give you a chance to get to know yourself and discover what’s really important to you in a relationship,” Jamie said thoughtfully.

“Oh, believe me, if she makes me wait too long, ‘Knowing myself’ will not be a problem,” she said as she laughed at Jamie’s deep blush.

***

On the first Friday after Thanksgiving break Jamie walked into Jack’s apartment and was astounded to find him setting the table for dinner. She smelled something cooking but she was too shocked to even try to guess what it was. “Hi,” he said brightly when he saw her.

“Uhh, hi,” she managed to get out. “What’s up?”

He walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her tightly. “I’ve been giving a lot of thought to what you said on Thanksgiving and I’ve really resolved to do something about it. I don’t want to have a marriage like my parents, Jamie. But I have been falling into their patterns. I’m sorry that you got so frustrated before you told me but I’m glad you told me eventually.”

“I had no idea that you even took me seriously,” she said in wonder. “I can’t tell you how good it makes me feel to know that you care enough to try to change.”

“Jamie,” he said softly as he lifted her chin with his fingers, “Your opinion of me matters tremendously. You’re the most important person in my life. Don’t you know that?”

She rested her head on his chest and let herself just sink into his embrace. His strong arms completely enveloped her and she felt warm and loved for the first time in weeks. “Thank you,” she said softly. “Thank you for everything.”

***

The following Monday morning Ryan walked up to Jamie after class and asked, “Juice?”

“Sure,” Jamie agreed, very thankful that Ryan did not stop their little breaks together even though she was getting close to Tracy. Out of the corner of her eye she saw the good looking brunette talking to a group of women. “Would you like to ask Tracy to join us?” she asked with just a moment of hesitation.

“Um…I guess I could. But I like having time alone with you,” she said firmly. “So I wouldn’t mind asking her once in a while but I don’t want to make a habit of it.”

Jamie smiled sweetly up at her friend as she shook her head. “You are such a sensitive woman, Ryan O’Flaherty,” she said fondly. “I really like having time with just you also, but I’d like to get to know her a little. Is it okay?”

“Sure. I’ll ask her,” she said with a winning smile as she sauntered over and gently placed her hand on Tracy’s back. The dark head turned to regard her and Jamie watched as Tracy’s face broke into a big smile. Seconds later both women were walking her way. “Ms. Stuart has accepted our invitation,” Ryan said with mock formality. “Our usual?”

“Perfect,” Jamie said with a smile.

***

After a few minutes of topical conversation Jamie hopped up from the table to buy another round of juice for her always thirsty friend. Ryan had whipped through her two bottles and was eyeing Jamie’s rather hungrily so since it was her turn to buy Jamie strolled over to the vending machines to purchase another cranberry juice. I am amazed by how natural Ryan seems with her, she mused during her short walk. I thought she’d have the predator persona but she doesn’t at all. Hmm, maybe she puts that on only when she has a woman alone. She considered this idea but reminded herself, No, she was very predatory with the women she picked up during class. Having an audience sure didn’t seem to stop her then. She inserted her dollar bill in the juice machine and made her selection. After removing the bottle from the tray she turned to return to the table. A smile crossed her lips as she watched Ryan gently flirting with Tracy. She wasn’t up to her usual tricks, however. She was just smiling shyly at something the gorgeous brunette had said. Her eyes were half lidded and also reflected rather innocent shyness. Tracy obviously appreciated this new attitude as she playfully touched the tip of Ryan’s nose. But there was still a little predator left as Jamie watched a feral grin come over her friend’s features just before her mouth snapped open to grab Tracy’s index finger between her perfect white teeth.

Jamie set the bottle down on the table, admonishing her friend, “I’ve brought more calories, Buddy. You don’t have to resort to cannibalism.”

Ryan just gave her a rakish look as she tamely released her prey. Tracy leaned over and patted her gently on the cheek, murmuring, “Good girl.”

She turned to Jamie and twitched her head in Ryan’s direction and asked, “How long have you and blue eyes here known each other?”

“Mmm, just since class started,” Jamie informed her.

Tracy blinked a little at that bit of information. “Gosh, I thought you’d known each other for years. You just seem so close.”

“We are,” Ryan said, locking her eyes onto Jamie’s. “Jamie’s the best friend I’ve ever had.”

The misty green eyes did not waver as Jamie echoed her thoughts. “Best class I’ve ever taken,” she said with a small smile. “I’ve learned a lot and got a best friend in the bargain.”

Tracy gave each woman a long appraising look as they grinned at each other seemingly unaware of her presence.

***

After class on Wednesday Ryan sidled up to Jamie and asked, “Do you know how to bowl?”

“Bowl? Like in a bowling alley?”

A delightfully quirky grin crossed Ryan’s face as she asked, “Umm, what other kind is there?”

“Well, there’s lawn bowling, but I guess they do that mostly in England.”

Ryan cocked her dark head and repeated her question. “Do you know how?”

“Well, I’d say I’d be more proficient at lawn bowling,” she mused. “I went bowling once, in grade school, and the manager of the alley asked me to stop before I hurt myself,” she said with a wry laugh.

“Perfect,” Ryan pronounced with a very satisfied grin. “We’re going bowling…tonight!”

***

After their workout and a stop for a quick shower and a mini-rubdown they got into the Porsche for the drive to The City. After some dogged questioning Jamie finally got the story out of her recalcitrant friend. “So all of your brothers and cousins are in a bowling league, right?”

“Right.”

“And you fill in when someone can’t make it?”

“Right.”

“So tonight Brendan can’t make it and for some obscure reason, you want me to be on your team to take his place.”

“Almost right,” she said with a smile. “Brendan is on Conor’s team. I’m filling in for Rory and he’s on another team.” Her waggling eyebrows indicated her extreme pleasure with her plan and after a few minutes the reason dawned on Jamie.

“You asked me because you knew I’d suck!!” she cried in outrage as she slapped Ryan hard on the thigh.

“Hey! That hurt!” she winced, rubbing the affected part as she shot a glare at her friend. “And I asked you because Conor suggested you,” she sniffed. “I thought we’d have fun together.” Her eyes were dark and a tiny little pout was forming on her lovely face.

“Ryan, I’m sorry,” she said quickly as she gently rubbed her hand on the still stinging thigh. “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”

Her friend gave her a rakish grin as she admitted, “You didn’t, Jamie. I really did ask you because I thought you’d suck.”

At the smaller woman’s outraged squawk she added, “Plus I wanted to spend the evening with you. Tracy would suck too,” she reassured her. “I just thought it would be fun.”

“Okay,” Jamie said suspiciously. “Who would you have asked if your team needed another player?”

“Ally,” she said quickly as she tried to cover up from her laughing friend’s pinch.

***

They arrived at the Japantown Bowl just as the rest of the clan was arriving. Looking around quickly Jamie observed that they were the only women in the entire building. “Is this the Testosterone League, or what?” she whispered to Ryan.

“Pretty much,” she admitted. “You’re on the Carpenter’s Local 751 team. I’m on the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers Local 128.” Her playful grin caused Jamie to smile back at her, ignoring her pique at being tricked into playing.

Conor arrived moments later and claimed Jamie as his charge for the evening. “Finally, a teammate that I’ll enjoy looking at,” he said with obvious pleasure. “I’m so sick of looking at sweaty men all day…this is a treat, Jamie.”

“Just remember that she has her own sweaty man that she likes to look at, Conor,” Ryan reminded him as she playfully patted her brother’s cheek.

“Oh, I’m well aware of Jamie’s marital status,” he said sweetly. Turning to the blushing woman he inquired, “You are still single, but with some vague plans on marrying some unemployed fellow in the distant future, correct?”

“I suppose that’s about right,” Jamie admitted with a grin.

“Perfect,” Conor said with a sexy grin that nearly matched the one Jamie had seen on his sister whenever she spotted a fresh face. “Let’s get you set up,” he said as he took her hand to lead her over to the racks of balls.

***

Conor spent quite a few minutes helping Jamie choose a ball that fit her hand and proved light enough for her to roll effectively. After she secured a lovely pair of tan and red rental shoes he took her up to the line and spent a good 10 minutes instructing her on his philosophy of bowling. She kept looking at him with a puzzled glance and finally Ryan could take no more. She stomped over to their lane and demanded, “Are you teaching her how to build a bowling alley or throw the damn ball?”

“Ryan,” he explained patiently. “Bowling is a difficult sport. It helps to understand the angles and the percentages of the different approaches.”

“Oh for God’s sake,” she snapped as she placed her hands on Jamie’s shoulders and said, “See the center arrow on the lane?”

Jamie nodded.

“Stand just to the right of it, take 4 steps, staring with your right foot. Bring the ball back to about here,” she instructed as she pulled her arm back. “Release it smoothly, while looking at the matching arrow right up there,” she told her, pointing to a mark on the lane about 10 feet away.

Jamie nodded once and mimicked Ryan’s instructions perfectly. The three watched the ball as it slowly but determinedly made it’s way right to the pocket where it knocked every pin down, one at a time.

Jamie turned and threw her arms around Ryan, who was grinning like the Cheshire cat at her scowling brother. “Keep it simple, Stupid,” she instructed as she backhanded him sharply in the stomach on her way back to her own lane.

***

The evening went fairly smoothly and Ryan quickly became engrossed in her own play. She didn’t own her own ball and she sometimes had trouble finding one that fit her long, slender fingers. Her strength allowed her to effortlessly roll a 16 pound ball but she had never been able to find a heavy ball that did not fall off her hand. So she usually had to settle for a 14 pounder just to keep some control. But tonight she had found the perfect ball. It was a 16 pound dark red ball and the finger holes were nearly perfect. The initials JWB were stamped into the plastic and she made a note in her organizer for the next time she had to fill in so that she could find the darn thing again.

The proper equipment allowed her to have the game of her life, she noted happily. Her first game was a 225, the second 215 and she was already at 230 in the 9th frame of the last game. Even though she was concentrating on her match she shot glances over at Jamie every time her friend went to the line. Not bad for a rank beginner, she thought with a small smile. Her eyes wandered to her brother and her assembled cousins as Jamie went to roll her second ball of the frame. Perverts! she scoffed when she saw 5 pairs of eyes firmly glued to her friend’s butt. But she admitted to herself that Jamie did indeed have a very watchable butt so she really could not blame the lads. The second ball gave her a spare for the frame and Ryan smiled broadly as the smaller woman jumped gleefully into the air and gave a whoop of delight. All of the members of her team were smiling and congratulating her but Ryan noted with her own delighted smile that those misty green eyes immediately found her, seeking Ryan out to share her enthusiasm. She did so with pleasure, giving Jamie both a broad smile and a wink of approval.

As Ryan rolled her next frame she turned and caught Jamie gazing at her intently. They locked eyes and for just one split second the din of the alley died down and became a very faint muted rumble. The other bowlers faded from her view. Only one face remained and Ryan could nearly feel her breathing…so intent was their connection for that one instant. But as soon as it began it was gone…as Ryan walked into the ball return and nearly took a header. “Yipes!” she cried as only her excellent balance kept her upright. All of the cousins laughed at her completely unexpected clumsiness. She felt a deep blush cover her face as she sat down and tried to gather her scrambled thoughts. But just when she was nearly back to normal she felt a warm hand on her shoulder. She turned and saw those green eyes just inches away, this time filled with concern. “You didn’t hurt yourself did you?”

“No, no, not at all,” she said firmly. “There must have been something on the floor,” she explained, trying to cover.

“You sure you’re alright?” she persisted.

“Perfect,” Ryan insisted, smiling to herself when Jamie’s small hand gently squeezed her shoulder as she returned to her lane.

Wow, I don’t know what’s going on tonight, but I’m actually feeling light headed, she mused. I must be having sex withdrawal, she decided, since she had not been with a woman in a couple of weeks. Yeah, that must be it, she decided, as she focused intently on Jamie’s cute little butt as the small woman once again approached the line.

“Are you aware of her marital status?” a deep voice breathed in her ear. Her blush climbed her face so fast that she almost passed out from the rush.

She gathered herself with as much grace as possible and shrugged her older brother off. “Get a grip, Conor,” she snapped as she went to the line and rolled the first gutter ball of her adult life.

***

Unbeknownst to Ryan, Conor and the boys had been buying Jamie rounds of beers and she had gamely tried to keep up with the much larger men. By the time the match was over her small friend was toast. “Thanks, Conor,” Ryan grumbled as a giggling Jamie came over and plopped down on her lap. “Tell Da I had to take Jamie home,” she instructed. “I’ll just stay at her house so I don’t have to come back across the bridge.”

“No problem Sis,” he said with a smile. “But I could take her home if you want.”

The giggles had stopped and now Jamie was sound asleep against Ryan’s chest. “Yeah, sure, Pal,” she scoffed. “Like I’d trust you with her in this condition.”

“Are you sure you’re entirely trustworthy?” he challenged. “I can read you like a book, Sis, and you’ve got it bad.” He was smirking widely with his arms crossed against his broad chest.

“You’re delusional, Conor,” she snapped. “Now help me get her to the car, you big dope.”

***

As they pulled up in front of the house Ryan noted with dismay that the lights were on in both roommates rooms. Oh boy, another fun night with Cassie, she groused.

It took a lot longer than Ryan would have predicted but she finally got Jamie’s half-awake body out of the tiny, low slung car. She was able to walk with assistance but when they got to the door she was unable to produce her house key. “None of these keys work,” Ryan complained as she tried each of the 3 keys on the ring.

“Those’re for the car,” Jamie mumbled.

“Where are your house keys,” Ryan enunciated clearly.

“Pocket,” she mumbled back.

“Can you get them?” Ryan patiently asked.

“Uh uhh,” she said as she shook her head and nearly fell over. Ryan rolled her eyes as she began to pat her down. The key was in the small inside pocket of her 501’s and Ryan gamely snuck two fingers down into the tiny pocket. She got her fingers around it but had a tough time actually getting it out. Jamie picked that moment to lose the ability to support herself. Her knees buckled and Ryan had to grab her with one strong arm just under her breasts. She dug into the pocket more forcefully and extricated the house key on its tiny silver ring. A minute fumbling with the lock while trying to balance the limp woman eventually allowed them to stumble into the house.

I’ve gotta get lighter friends, she grumbled as she stooped and swept her friend into her arms and steeled herself for the long climb up the steep staircase. She was nearly at the top when the ever pleasant Cassie Martin emerged from her room and glared at Ryan in outrage. “What have you done to her?!”

“I haven’t done anything to her, Cassie,” she said with as much patience as she could gather. “I’m trying to keep her from getting hurt. You can help or you can get out of the way.” She glared right back at the tall, thin blonde.

She won this round, for Cassie’s expression mellowed and she asked, “What can I do to help?”

“Well, I’ve got to get her undressed and then into bed,” Ryan stated.

“I’ll undress her,” Cassie said firmly.

“Fine,” Ryan snapped, unable to tolerate this annoying woman any longer than necessary. “If you can handle this, I’ll take off.” She placed Jamie on the bed and started down the stairs only to be stopped by Cassie’s startled voice.

“I can’t lift her!” she cried.

Ryan rolled her eyes and trudged back upstairs. She stood next to the exasperated woman and asked, “What do you want me to do?”

“Um…” she mumbled as she assessed the situation. “Can you pick her up so I can get her jeans off?”

“Yes, but aren’t you afraid I’ll rape her if I see her in her underwear?” she snapped, unable to control herself.

“Look, Ryan, I’m sorry I said that. I just…”

“It’s okay,” Ryan said, her own voice gentling. “Let’s just get her undressed.” They worked together, awkwardly but effectively getting her into a pair of flannel pajamas. Ryan carried her into the bath and stepped outside while Cassie guided her to the commode. When she was finished relieving herself Ryan came back in and carried her to the neatly turned down covers on the bed as Cassie hovered.

“I’m afraid to leave her here alone,” she mused.

“Why don’t you sleep with her?” Ryan asked, thinking the solution was obvious.

“My boyfriend is here,” she said, as though Ryan could have known that.

“Why didn’t you have him help you get her into bed?” she snapped.

“I don’t want him to see other women naked,” Cassie snapped back. “It’s inappropriate!”

“Great. So should I sleep with her or with your boyfriend?” she asked wryly. “I’m can assure you he would be safe with me.”

“You’re hardly his type,” she scoffed.

“That’s a relief,” Ryan muttered, just loud enough to be heard.

“Do what you want,” Cassie fumed. “Besides, I think you’re just what Jamie’s looking for, anyway!” She stormed from the room, slamming the door and startling the half-unconscious woman awake.

“Wha…what happen’d?” Jamie muttered.

“Nothing,” Ryan murmured softly as she sat on the bed and soothed her friend. “Nothing at all. You just lie down and go to sleep. I’ll be right here,” she promised.

“Are you stayin’ with me?” she asked shyly. “I’m a little drunk.”

“You’re more than a little drunk, Pal,” she chuckled. “I’m gonna stay right here to make sure you’re okay.”

” ‘Kay,” she said happily. She pushed the covers back and demanded, “Get in.”

Ryan shook her head firmly, remembering the earlier flush of feeling she had at the bowling alley. “I’ll just curl up on the love seat or the floor.”

“Don’t you trust me?” Jamie asked with her face contorted into a sad little pout.

“Of course I trust you,” Ryan soothed as she sat on the bed and ran her fingers through her friend’s pale hair.

“Well?” she demanded, not verbalizing the obvious unasked question.

Ryan just nodded as she kicked off her running shoes and unbuttoned her jeans. She noticed that Jamie was staring at her intently as she did so and she briefly missed the unconscious phase of the evening. She shucked her pants and slid into bed, still in her salmon colored polo shirt and sports bra.

But even through her drunken haze Jamie was still able to make her uncomfortable. “Don’t you have to wear that shirt tomorrow?” she asked lazily.

“Um…yeah, I guess I do.”

“Why don’t you put on one of my tshirts,” she offered.

Knowing that the idea was sound Ryan got to her feet and went to the dresser. A small voice floated over to her. “You don’t have to keep your bra on, Ryan. I want you to be comfortable.”

“I think I’d be more comfortable on that floor, fully clothed,” she mumbled to herself, but did as her friend asked. She found a t-shirt that looked like it wouldn’t be skin tight and stripped off her polo and then yanked her sports bra over her head, demurely turning her back to Jamie as she did so.

That soft voice again commented, “You have a really nice back.”

Great! Just great! Every one of my senses are on full alert, I’m unreasonably attracted to my best friend tonight and she’s watching me undress like a guy at a topless bar!

She gingerly approached the bed and slid in to the small space her friend had left for her. “Umm, can I have a little more room?” she asked in a voice that hardly sounded like her own.

“Sure,” Jamie mumbled as she scooted even closer and curled up against Ryan’s side. She snuggled her head up against her friend’s broad shoulder and let out a deep sigh. “This doesn’t bother you does it?” she asked softly.

“No, no, it’s fine,” she squeaked as Jamie’s arm curled around her waist.

“Good,” came the mumbled response. “I need to be close tonight.”

Oh God! Ryan cried to herself. Please, please, don’t want to be any closer, ‘cause I don’t think I can resist!

She lay still as a statue for a few minutes until she felt a gentle bump against her side. “Relax,” Jamie mumbled. “It’s okay, Ryan. I want this.”

Want what?? her internal voice screamed.

As though she could hear that voice Jamie replied, “I want to snuggle a little. No big deal between friends, huh?”

A small smile curled the edges of her mouth as Ryan felt her own body begin to relax as she indulgently replied, “No big deal at all, Pal.” She brought her right arm around to tenderly rub her friend’s back, slowly and smoothly urging her into sleep.

***

Just before first light Ryan slowly blinked her eyes open and tried to order her thoughts. Where am I? she wondered. And who’s this? Her face was burrowed up against a very soft, very warm back. Her right arm was wrapped around a small waist, and an arm rested upon her own with a soft hand covering hers. Suddenly, all of her senses shot to full alert. My God! I’m wrapped around Jamie! Shit! Shit! SHIT!! She fought with her mind to think clearly and help her extricate herself from this predicament. Okay, okay, just calm down, she soothed herself. She wanted to cuddle, remember? This was her idea. It’s okay if she wakes up and you’re touching. But her rational mind reminded her, She wanted to cuddle you, but she didn’t ask you to plaster yourself up against her like a wall to wall carpet! She took a deep breath to speed the flow of oxygen to her brain. You’ve got to pull away before she wakes up but you don’t want to wake her when you do it, she instructed her body. You’ve got to be smooth and gentle! She took a few more calming breaths and let her mind wander for just another moment. I wonder if Tracy will feel this good when we sleep together. A deep sigh sprang from her chest as she thought, I wish I could have this with Jamie. I just feel so comfortable with her. Yeah, yeah, her conscience interjected. You feel comfortable with Duffy too, and it would be just as morally wrong to sleep with him! Get up, you lazy bum, and stop trying to cop a feel from your best STRAIGHT friend

She began to remove her arm as slowly as possible, but she was pulling Jamie’s hand right along with it. Going for another tactic she moved back to her original position and lifted her head until it was hovering over Jamie’s shoulder. She pursed her lips and blew a forceful stream of air right onto the mussed locks of hair trailing over her forehead. Jamie’s face scrunched up into an adorable frown and finally her right hand lifted to brush against her hair, freeing Ryan’s arm in the process. A satisfied smile came over her face as she checked her watch alarm and reset it for 7. No clothes to run in anyway, she thought to herself as she rolled over onto her side, back to back with her deeply sleeping friend.

***

“You awake?” a soft voice tickled her ear.

“I am now,” Ryan’s sleep roughened voice replied. She turned onto her back and gazed up at the surprisingly bright green eyes that faced her. “You look pretty peppy for a drunkard,” she teased.

“Oh God, was I really bad?” her blushing friend choked out.

“No, not at all, but Cassie and I had to undress you.”

“Cassie? Did you need help?”

“No, but she thought I would molest you so she wanted to supervise,” she informed her with a tight smile that could double as a grimace.

Jamie flopped onto her back and draped her forearm over her eyes. “I’ve got to get rid of her,” she grumbled. “I cannot have her insulting my friends like that. It’s just not acceptable.”

“It’s okay, Jamie. She generally doesn’t bother me and now that I know you don’t care how I respond I’m perfectly capable of defending myself.”

“You have my permission to deck her,” she grumbled as she rolled over and got to her feet.

“How do you feel?” Ryan ventured.

“Fine,” she replied easily. “Why shouldn’t I?”

“Don’t you have a hangover?”

“Unh uh,” she replied with a shake of her head. “I don’t think I ever have.”

“Do you do this often?” Ryan asked suspiciously.

“Of course not! I must just have a strong constitution.”

Ryan’s gentle smile beamed back at her from across the bed. “That’s not how I would describe you,” she admitted. “I feel like I’m carrying you up those stairs every third day!”

Jamie sat down on the bed and gently trailed the tips of her fingers down Ryan’s arm, starting at her shoulder and continuing on to her fingertips. “Lucky for me that my best friend is stronger than Atlas, huh?”

“You’re always unconscious,” Ryan reminded her. “You don’t hear me gasping for breath by the third stair.”

“Not a chance, Buffy,” she admonished her with a playful tweak of her nose. “You’ve got muscles for days.”

“I’ve also got an 8 o’clock class that I can’t be late for,” Ryan reminded her. “Let’s get shakin’.”

***

“Hey,” Ryan said as she responded to Jamie’s page on the following Tuesday. “What’s up?”

“My father offered me 4 tickets to the Warriors tonight. Wanna go and bring a couple of brothers?”

“Ooo, I’d love to,” she said quickly. “But I’ve got a date.”

“That’s okay,” Jamie said, a little disappointed.

“I could ask Tracy to go too if it’s important to you,” Ryan offered.

But the thought of sharing Ryan’s attention made the evening seem much less attractive. “No, she doesn’t look like the basketball kind of girl,” Jamie admitted.

“No, she kinda doesn’t, does she?” Ryan agreed. “Tennis, maybe, or even the LPGA, but probably not basketball.”

“That’s okay. Maybe I’ll call Conor and see if he’d like all 4.”

“He’d love to have you go too, Jamie,” she reminded her. “He thinks you’re fine.”

“Yeah,” she laughed. “I think he thinks I’m too fine,” she admitted with a little chuckle. “I’m having a hard enough time with Jack. Going to a game with Conor probably isn’t in my best interests.”

“Well, let me give you his pager. I’m sure he’d be happy to take the tickets if you don’t want to use them.”

“Okay,” she said when Ryan had related the number. She knew she should hang up, but she just didn’t want to. “Where are you going tonight?”

“Tracy’s having me over for dinner,” she replied with a laugh. “But I have a feeling that someone else is doing the cooking. She’s not very domestic.”

“Where does she live?” Jamie asked, just trying to prolong the contact.

“The Marina. She has a nice little apartment…and no roommates,” she added with a deep chuckle.

“The perfect woman,” Jamie laughed gently, trying to get the image of Ryan and Tracy locked in a passionate embrace out of her mind.

“Yeah, so far so good,” she conceded. “It’s still too early to tell, but she’s pretty special.”

“She’d better be, Buddy. You deserve the best.”

“Thanks, Jamie. I’ve got to run, but thanks again for the offer. Ask me again, okay?”

“Count on it,” she promised.

***

On Thursday afternoon Jamie went to the gym to get in a little cardio. Ryan was just finishing up her last client of the day. “Hey,” she said by way of greeting when she spotted Jamie on the stairclimber.

“What’s up?”

“Not much. I just finished for the day.”

“Wanna hang around for a few? I could make you dinner?”

“Oh, no can do. I’m going to the opera,” she said as she rolled her eyes rather dramatically.

“The opera? I didn’t figure you for the type.”

“I’m not, but apparently Tracy is. The things we do for love,” she said with a shudder as she considered how long the evening would probably be. “I’d rather be eating your delicious food, but I’ve got to make some sacrifices I suppose.”

“Well, have fun,” Jamie said in a much lighter tone than she truly felt.

“You okay?” Ryan asked as she came closer and gave her a penetrating gaze.

“Fine! Just trying to keep up a conversation when I’m laboring on this machine,” she said, slightly out of breath.

“Okay, take it easy, Buddy,” Ryan said as she gave her a sweet smile and took off for her date.

“I liked her better when she was a slut,” Jamie grumbled to no one in particular.

Chapter 11

She’s turned you down twice, Jamie. Twice in a week. Of all the times you’ve seen her, she has refused you just twice. Don’t be such a baby. She has a girlfriend now. She can’t be sitting by the phone just waiting for your call. Tracy is everything that you say you want for her. She’s smart, she’s sweet, and she’s very funny. Ryan seems awfully cute with her. Do you want her to be happy or not?

At least Tracy is going home to visit her parents for a couple of weeks during winter break, she thought selfishly. That’s nice, Jamie, very generous of you. Do you think Ryan would wish the same for you? She has been nothing if not supportive of your relationship. You have to do the same for her. She knew that her conscience was correct but she really did not want to share Ryan with another woman. But that honest reaction made her feel quite ashamed of herself. Do you really want Ryan to be fulfilled or do you just want her to be available to you when you call? You can’t have it both ways, Jamie. Either be her friend or admit that you’re just using her to satisfy your own needs!

***

After class on Friday Ryan popped over and asked, “What’s the earliest you’re free today?”

“Ahh, I’m free after 2, why?”

“Let’s have some fun before you have to go down to Palo Alto,” she suggested with bright eyes. “I thought we could take our workout outdoors for a change of pace.”

“Okay,” Jamie said cautiously. “Where should we go?”

“Let’s meet at the football stadium at 2:15. But first let’s get some juice. I’ve gotta tell you all about this opera thing!”

***

At 2:15 sharp Ryan climbed out of the small set of bleachers set up next to the track and jogged over to meet her friend. “Been waiting long?” Jamie asked as she trotted over to meet her halfway.

“Nope. Just got here,” she said happily. She carried a small nylon gym bag which Jamie eyed suspiciously.

“We’re gonna duplicate our workout with the things you have in that little bag?” she asked as she pointed at the kelly green bag that read, ‘Lady Dons’. “And what in the heck is a Lady Don?”

“Oh,” Ryan said rather absently, “That’s my old school, U.S.F. And to answer your question, yes we can duplicate your workout with even less than I have in here. I’m gonna work out too, and I bet I use less of this stuff than you do,” she said, in a challenging tone.

“Okay, Ms. Magic, let’s see what you’ve got.”

“Well first, let’s just do some warm-ups. Since it’s cool out we need to make sure we get loose before we try anything strenuous.” She walked over to the grass infield and sat down on the closely cropped grass. “Let’s do some hamstring stretches and loosen up our adductors and abductors.” Jamie joined her and they spent a few minutes getting their muscles warm. When they were warmed up to Ryan’s satisfaction she suggested, “Let’s jog a little to get our blood moving.” The quarter mile track was completely deserted on this cool but sunny afternoon since it was too early in the season for the track or field athletes to be working outdoors. They moved together briskly down the brick red pebbled rubberized surface, increasing their pace slightly after the first quarter mile. 4 loops of the track had them sufficiently warm, but Jamie was already a little winded.

“Wow,” she panted. “I’ve never run on a real track before. You move so easily on that surface!”

“Yeah,” Ryan agreed. “This surface is pretty new. They’re always coming up with something better in the lab. When you put on a pair of track spikes you can really fly on this.”

“Have you run track?”

“Yeah, I fooled around with it in high school,” she admitted. “I liked it pretty well but team sports have always held my interest better.”

“I bet you were fast,” Jamie said appraisingly as she looked at her friend’s lean, lithe form.

“Good guess,” Ryan said with a raised eyebrow as she dashed back to the track for another very quick lap. “I was pretty quick,” she said with a proud grin.

“Showoff,” Jamie teased as she slapped her on the stomach.

“That wasn’t showing off,” Ryan insisted. “But if you want to see me in action I’ll challenge you to a little race.” Her waggling eyebrows attested to her confidence in her abilities. Jamie knew that no matter how the race was structured she would lose, but she was terribly interested to see her friend perform.

“Okay, how am I going to be humiliated?” she groused.

“You’re not going to be humiliated,” she promised. “I’ll give you a very, very big advantage.” Ryan walked over to her bag and extracted a well worn pair of spikes. She sat down on the infield and quickly laced them up, then jumped up and down a few times to settle them on her feet.

“You’ve got the right shoes!” she complained.

“Yeah, but I need them,” Ryan assured her. “I’ll probably break my neck as it is, Jamie. Don’t make it harder for me.”

“Break your neck?” she asked, truly confused.

“Yeah,” Ryan explained. “You’re going to run the track but I’m going to do the hurdles,” she said as she pointed at the low hurdles set up around the track.

“When was the last time you did this?” Jamie asked with trepidation.

“Umm, 7 years ago?”

“Are you nuts?” she nearly screamed. “You’d better practice or something before we do this for real!”

“Nah, I’ll be fine,” Ryan assured her. “It’s really not that hard. Besides, I’m a couple of inches taller than I was the last time I did this. My crotch is even higher off the ground.” She said this with that terribly adorable crooked grin that Jamie had discovered that she was addicted to and powerless over.

“Do you have your health insurance card on you?” she asked as they walked over to the starting line.

“Not to worry, Pal,” Ryan assured her once again. “I’ve fallen dozens of times and lived to tell the tale.” They stood together on the bright track; Jamie shooting worried glances at her friend. “They’ve got the hurdles set up for the 440,” Ryan informed her. “So let’s run a 440 meter sprint. You’ve got to run on the outside here,” she pointed at the lane next to the hurdles.” She got down in a modified sprinters crouch and asked, “Ready?”

“I guess so,” Jamie replied, truly reluctant to encourage her daredevil friend.

“You call the start.”

“Um…ready…set…go!” And they were off, flying down the track as fast as their legs would take them. Jamie was concentrating so hard on her own race that she didn’t even pay attention to Ryan. She heard several of the hurdles fall to the ground and she shot a quick glance over when the first hit, but Ryan seemed fine, so she focused again and gave it her all. She dug into the track for any extra speed she could get but she saw Ryan’s dark blue clad body streak by her about 5 meters from the finish line.

“Excellent!” Ryan’s voice rang out as she continued on about another 25 meters to cool down.

“But I didn’t get to see anything!” Jamie complained. “Show me how you do that!”

Ryan bent over and placed her hands on her knees and sucked in a few deep breaths. “Boy, I really had to haul ass to take you,” she gasped. “You’re pretty quick yourself, you little sand bagger!”

“Yeah, I’m sure I was a real threat,” she laughed, secretly proud that she had at least made Ryan go all out.

After they had gotten their wind back Ryan stripped out of her sweats, revealing a pair of shiny electric blue Lycra leggings and a skin tight white nylon tank top. “If I’m gonna do that again I need to cool down,” she admitted.

Walking back to the start she explained, “Hurdles are more about timing than anything else. It’s really not that hard to stick one leg out and tuck the other one up. But you have to practice a lot to be able to always start with the same foot and keep your stride length the same. You try to take the same number of steps between each hurdle and that’s impossible to do if you vary your stride too much.”

“That makes sense,” Jamie said slowly. “I didn’t realize that timing would be so important. It looks like the hard part is getting that leg up.”

“Well, it takes a while to build up your legs when you’re a kid. That’s actually how I got my big thighs,” she said as she slapped her powerful quads. “You’ve got to have strong muscles to be able to sprint and pop that leg out.”

“Show me how you do it,” Jamie urged.

“Okay,” Ryan said as she got into position. “I start on my left leg. I take 12 steps between each hurdle, which is kind of a lot. I used to use 10 steps but I pulled my hamstrings a lot. So I shortened up my stride and adopted the 12 step routine. It didn’t slow me down much but it sure helped with the injuries.” She leaned over and squatted down a bit before she took off, more slowly this time so she could explain what she was doing.

She counted her steps aloud, and when she reached 11 she called out, “Watch!” as her left leg shot out straight in front of her and her right leg tucked up just like a gazelle’s. She leaned in to the hurdle a little bit as she went over, almost touching her thigh with her chest. Rather than go on to the next she made a little half circle and came back to stand by Jamie. “Get it?”

“Yeah,” she said thoughtfully. “When my father took me to Africa we saw gazelles in the wild. I swear that their back legs look just like yours,” she said with wonder.

“I’m sure they’re a little more graceful,” she said modestly, “But thanks for the compliment.”

“Will you do the whole thing for me again?” she asked hopefully. “I’d really like to see you.”

“Sure,” Ryan agreed. “But you might have to carry me home.” She trotted back over and adopted her most focused gaze. Jamie could almost see the world fading away from her friend’s deep blue eyes. Her face became a mask of concentration and after a few seconds she nodded briefly and took off. Now that she knew the drill Jamie counted with her and smiled to herself as she watched her friend make exactly 12 strides between each hurdle, always starting with her left foot and always sticking that same leg out to take the hurdle. She noticed that this time Ryan knocked down every single hurdle, and she thought, She must be a little rusty. Not that she shouldn’t be after 7 years!”

When Ryan came trotting back, winded but very happy looking Jamie enthusiastically complimented her. “You were great!” she enthused.

“Yeah, it felt pretty smooth,” she admitted with a satisfied grin. “And I did a great job on the hurdles if I do say so myself.”

“But…you knocked them over,” Jamie offered hesitantly.

“I know,” the crooked grin replied. “I tried to, Silly,” she laughed. “The lower you go the less time you waste. You try to be so low that your trailing foot just ticks the hurdle enough to knock it down, but not so low that you catch your foot.”

“Well, then you did even better than I thought!” she laughed as she wrapped her arm around Ryan and gave her a squeeze. “Get that sweatshirt back on, young lady,” she ordered. “You’re drenched!”

***

After she had dried off and put her regular shoes back on Ryan produced several lengths of rubber tubing in various colors. The attached handles made them look like sort of a jump rope. “What are those?” Jamie asked as she examined one length.

“These are your weights,” Ryan said with one wiggling eyebrow.

“These little things?” Jamie scoffed. “How can they duplicate what we do at the gym?”

“Oh, you’d be surprised,” she assured her. “I believe this is leg day?” she inquired.

“Yep.”

“Okay. On your back,” she ordered as she produced a very thin foam pad for Jamie to lie on. Once she was down Ryan showed her how to use the bands to provide resistance to her quads. She had her using the strongest band and after 10 reps of the exercise her legs dropped to the ground and she moaned, “Enough!”

“Not so easy, is it?” Ryan laughed. “I’ll knock you down one level for your next set.”

“You’d better if you want me to do more than 4 reps! That was killer!”

“Well, it isn’t just the tension in the band. When you use these you don’t have the machine guiding you at all. Every bit of force and energy has to come solely from you and that takes a lot more effort.”

“I’ll say,” she agreed as she started her next set with the lighter tubing.

The next exercise called for her to tie one of the ends around each ankle and slowly pull one leg away while balancing on one foot. This motion also had her calling for mercy after only 9 reps. “Geez!” she complained. “Am I that weak?”

“Not at all,” Ryan assured her. “This is much harder than what you’re used to. This makes you use your legs to hold your balance at the same time and that makes it very tough. But it’s very important that your balance be very good, especially for a long bike ride. I work on my balance all the time,” she conceded.

“With these?” Jamie asked.

“Sometimes, but I’ve got lots of things I do to keep myself entertained.”

“Show me some of them if you can,” she urged.

“Well,” she said digging into her bag. “I jump rope sometimes. That helps a lot.” She produced a professional quality jump rope with wooden handles and little ball bearings in them to allow the rope to turn smoothly. She began to slowly jump rope, increasing her speed gradually until the rope was just a slight blur. When she was at full speed she lifted one leg slightly and jumped on one foot alone. “I try to jump on each leg for 10 minutes or so,” she advised as she proceeded to do just that while Jamie did another set of her own exercises.

“God, doesn’t that hurt?” Jamie finally asked with a grimace.

“It starts to burn a bit,” Ryan gamely agreed. “But it’s not too bad.” When she was finished she got a little gleam in her eye and said, “Another thing I do is run up and down the stadium.”

“I can see that would stress your legs, but how does that help balance?”

“Watch,” she said with a grin. She took off and started to run not up and down the steps, as Jamie expected, but down the narrow metal seats. The slick benches were spaced significantly further apart than the stairs and their surface didn’t allow for much traction. Once Ryan started flying down the steep seats it was obvious that her balance was the only thing that kept her from coming down head first. After she had completed three loops she started to run across the narrow benches. Each bench was only about a foot wide but she flew across the surface like it was an airport runway. When she reached the end of a section she leapt across the aisle to the next section, never touching down on the concrete steps. The fact that she chose the uppermost bench did not in any way relieve the knot in Jamie’s stomach as she watched her dart around the stadium. When she returned to the section that she started at she once again flew down the seats, completely at ease. Jamie was waiting for her at the bottom, wide eyed with mouth agape.

“You amaze me,” she said solemnly.

***

Even the normally indefatigable Ryan O’Flaherty needed a breather after that demonstration. She took the exercise pad and spread it out on the infield, and then she stretched out on it like she was sunning herself at the beach. Just a few minutes of rest found her ready for more. “Now what?” she asked brightly.

“Umm…I think I need an exercise for my calves and then I’m done. Whatcha got?”

“Hmm, I can think of a few,” she mused. “But the easiest is just to do calf raises. You can use the first bench here in the bleachers,” she said, indicating the nearby stands.

“I normally do calf raises with weight,” she reminded her. “I’m up to 45 pounds now.”

“We can duplicate that,” Ryan smiled. “Actually, I could sit on your shoulders and give you a real workout.” Her eyes were shining in the late afternoon sun, and her sun bronzed skin seemed to glow in the fading light. Jamie’s appreciative eyes took her in and just for a moment she thought that was a terribly good idea. But her conscious mind reminded her that Ryan had to outweigh her by 50 pounds, so it was best that she refuse.

She gave her friend a smile and got up to do her calf raises. Ryan assisted by placing her hands on her shoulders and pressing down, actually doing a good job of duplicating the feel of a 50 pound weight on the machine. “How did you figure out all of these ways to exercise without equipment?” Jamie asked as she completed her three sets.

Ryan thought about that for a minute. “I don’t really plan this stuff,” she admitted. “But I was such an active kid that I was in fabulous shape just from playing. As I got older and started to work out with equipment I found that the structure would bore me after a while. One day it dawned on me that I was in better shape from playing than I was from working out. So I decided to stay childish!”

“Why not play all the time?”

“Well, it is easier to chart my progress in the gym, and sometimes it’s too hot or wet to be outside for long. But I’d say I play once or twice a week through most of the year.”

“I feel like I’m done, how about you?”

“I can do more if you don’t mind hanging around,” Ryan conceded.

“Mind? It’s terribly entertaining. What else do you want to do?”

“I need to work on my core balance a little, and I haven’t done anything for my upper body balance.”

“Upper body balance? What’s that?”

“I try to work on keeping my balance no matter what plane I’m on. I’ve got an exercise I haven’t done in a while that would let me show off a little,” she said with a childlike grin. “Wanna see?”

“Absolutely.”

“Okay, I need something about waist high that I can curl my fingers around.” She squinted a bit in the bright light that was about a half hour from dusk and finally found what she was looking for. They strolled over to where trucks could drive in and out of the complex. A series of concrete filled yellow metal sleeves were locked in place vertically across the entryway. Each was about 12 inches in diameter and very sturdy looking. It was clear that they were removable when a truck needed to enter, but they were very stable in their locked position.

Ryan grabbed one with both hands and gave it a very firm yank. It did not budge an inch since it was obviously sunk into the ground several feet. “This one’s perfect,” she declared as she took off her sweatshirt again. “I need to loosen up my biceps a little first,” she commented as she hit the ground and did about 25 quick push-ups. “Here goes nothing,” she said as she backed up about 10 yards and took off in a brisk trot. Jamie’s eyes grew wide as Ryan neared the post. What in the hell is she going to do? She had her answer a moment later as Ryan slapped her hands down on the post and executed a perfect vault, landing neatly on her flexed legs, adding a quick little hop to maintain her balance. “Okay, I think I’m ready,” she declared.

When she heard no response she turned to find Jamie once again slack jawed. “You okay over there?” she asked with a chuckle.

“That was the warm up? My God, what is the exercise?” she gasped.

One waggling eyebrow was Ryan’s only response. She walked back to the post and faced it, then placed both of her hands flat on the top. The heels of her hands were touching and her fingers were spread wide, obviously to give her a strong platform. A very quick movement flexed her biceps and in the next instant her feet were off the ground and she was holding herself parallel to the earth, mostly held up by her powerful biceps. Her arms straightened slowly as she rotated into a handstand. Now she was absolutely perpendicular to the ground, her entire body braced on her two hands.

Jamie was awestruck, unable to do anything but watch in wonder as her friend performed. After a few moments in the vertical position Ryan did a few push ups, obviously, just showing off. Now she bent her body once more, this time rotating until her arms were rigid and her body was again horizontal. After holding the position for a few seconds she removed one of her hands and held up her entire body by one powerful arm. She held the position for a few seconds, although Jamie could see the immense strain the move was putting on her dangerously shaky arm. Then she switched arms and held the position for an even longer time with her left arm. She placed both hands back onto the post and pushed up forcefully, landing next to it with another little hop. Just for effect she stood ramrod straight and affixed a very theatrical smile onto her face. She raised her right arm and waved dramatically as she turned slowly, acknowledging the massive crowd that filled the stadium to watch her record setting performance.

Jamie trotted the few feet that separated them and gazed up at her beaming friend. “Are you sure that both of your parents are humans?” she asked with a smile. “Cause that was not of this world,” she said emphatically.

“Sure it is,” Ryan assured her. “It’s pretty basic gymnastics.”

“I took gymnastics, Buddy, and I never got close to doing anything like that! I spent my years on the damn balance beam!”

“Yeah, well I took gymnastics for boys,” she said proudly. “You just weren’t in the cool class.”

“You took boys gymnastics?” she asked in amazement.

“Yep. I thought it was cool when I saw it in the Olympics. Brendan took me down to sign me up. It was pretty funny,” she said as she laughed in remembrance. “He practically had to fight the guy to get him to let me in, but after they gave me a few tests they pretty readily agreed.”

“I just bet they did,” Jamie said with a smirk.

***

Jamie was still smiling at her friend’s theatrics as they walked back across the enormous stadium. Something caught Ryan’s eye as they moved along and she zipped over to the interior of the stadium and yelled, “Hey, Jamie, come over here.”

With a smirk and a small shake of her head she trotted over to the underside of the stadium. Near the end zone of the football field the school had erected relatively modern bleachers to make the stadium homier for the normally small crowds that Cal drew for football. The back of the bleachers was a series of interconnecting metal supports that ran through the underside like a maze. Ryan was staring at the interlocking braces with a very studious look on her face. “Doesn’t this remind you of a great big jungle gym?” she asked thoughtfully.

“Ahh, yeah, I guess it does,” she admitted. “Boy, I used to like the one we had at a park near our house. But they decided that too many kids got hurt on it so they removed it and the slide and the swings and replaced them with a really lame bunch of horses on springs. I never wanted to go again,” she said somewhat wistfully.

“Well, you’ve got to admit that they can be a little dangerous,” Ryan said with a gleam in her eye. “Especially when they’re really, really tall.” She said this last statement as she leapt to her full reach and grabbed one of the supports with both of her hands. She was only off the ground about 18 inches, but she looked pretty comical, nonetheless.

“Okay, Tarzana, let’s go,” she said fondly.

“Go? You want to go?” Ryan said with an even bigger gleam. “Race you to the other end!” she cried as she started to propel herself along the undercarriage of the structure. Jamie not only did not race her, she was stuck in place as she stared at her daredevil friend. Ryan was motoring at an unbelievable clip but she had to follow the supports to get where she was going. In order to do so, she climbed higher and higher until she was at the very top of the very tall structure, dangling like a chimp. A wildly laughing chimp that is, who was having the time of her life.

Jamie started to jog just to keep up but Ryan was moving much too fast for her. She truly looked like some breed of beautiful simian as she swung up and down the supports, gracefully propelling herself along with ease. She was standing on the ground, looking rather bored when her panting friend caught up to her moments later. “Are you insane?” she shrieked as she ran up and slapped Ryan hard on the chest with both of her open hands.

“You said you wanted to go,” she said innocently as she blinked down at her. “I assumed you wanted to go fast.”

“I can’t imagine what I would say to your father if you had fallen!” Jamie chided her laughing friend.

“You could have said, ‘You were finally right, Martin. She did fall and break her neck!’”

***

They walked the rest of the way in silence, with Jamie reflecting on all that she had seen. “Do you know that you can do things like that?” she finally asked with a very thoughtful look on her face.

“What do you mean?”

“I guess I want to know if you’re certain that you can do something dangerous before you try it,” she said.

“Oh, heck no,” Ryan admitted. “Where’s the fun in that?”

“Ryan!” she said as she stopped and grabbed onto the back of her tank top. “You mean to tell me that you might have not been able to do that but you tried it anyway?”

“Well, yeah,” she explained slowly. “That’s what makes it fun. I mean, I know I’m strong and that my grip is really good. I know I’m flexible and that I have good balance. There’s no reason to assume I can’t do something like that, so I try it. Once I get into a situation I’m certainly not going to back out, so I have to figure out a way to finish without breaking my neck. But I’ve never done that before, and if I had I probably wouldn’t be interested in trying it again. Once I’ve done something it loses its allure,” she admitted with a toothy grin.

Like your women, Jamie thought with an internal smirk as she stole another glance at the grinning, sweaty, gorgeous hunk of woman that blithely strolled along beside her.

***

When they reached their gear Ryan checked the position of the sun and regretfully announced, “Time to go, Pal.”

“I don’t wanna go,” Jamie pouted. “I’m having too much fun!”

“Come on,” Ryan urged as she bent to pick up her keys and her gym bag.

But her small friend was too quick for her as Jamie’s hand snaked out and grabbed the keys at the last instant. “You can’t leave without your bike!” she declared defiantly as she dangled them in front of Ryan’s darting eyes.

One quick swipe with her hand left her grasping nothing but air as Jamie laughed wildly and took off. Ryan joined her laugh and doggedly began to pursue her. In reality she could have caught the smaller, slower woman within three strides. But Ryan felt a little guilty about turning down her last two invitations and she had actually planned this afternoon to give them a chance to reconnect and just have fun. She had a date with Tracy but it wasn’t for another 2 hours so she had plenty of time to play. And Jamie seems so childlike and free, she thought with a smile. She hasn’t been this way very often lately. We’ve got to get outside and play more, she decided immediately. She really needs some cheering up on a routine basis, given how things are going with Jack. So even though she was happy to be forced into staying longer she could not let Jamie just win…she couldn’t let anybody just win!

Jamie darted around the infield, using various track paraphernalia as a shield to keep Ryan away. She scurried around hurdles, the long jump pit, even the huge cushion that the pole vaulters landed on. But Ryan was dangerously close; never more than two body lengths away, no matter what she tried. About 25 yards away she saw what she hoped would be her salvation. A large, bright blue, square cushion that protected the high jumpers was beckoning to her. She latched onto an idea and scampered aboard, crawling frantically on all fours just before Ryan grabbed her feet. The cushion stood about 4 feet high, clearly no barrier for her chimp-like pursuer. But as Jamie coyly reminded her, “Wherever you start to climb I can run to the other side and jump down before you get up!”

Ryan pursed her lips and reviewed the situation. Jamie did have a point, her analytical mind agreed. It would not do to just try to climb aboard. She needed to get up there, but not from the ground. A sly smile crossed her lips and Jamie looked around suspiciously, recognizing the gleam in those deep blue eyes. “There’s more than one way to skin a cat,” Ryan declared as she walked back to her gym bag at a leisurely pace and sat down to lace her spikes up again. When she was finished she walked back to the cushion and turned her back to it as she appeared to be measuring off a distance in her head. She was obviously satisfied because she turned and started to run, gaining speed as she approached the bag. Jamie didn’t try to run because she still didn’t know what Ryan was going to do…she just stood stock still and watched in amazement as Ryan continued to barrel towards her.

When her momentum was satisfactory she actually slowed down appreciably and turned her back just as she flexed her knees deeply and propelled herself into the air, landing rather forcefully and inelegantly onto the cushion. Her momentum carried her on her back quite a few feet across the surface, but she eventually skidded to a halt right at Jamie’s feet.

She looked up at her with dancing blue eyes and put on her sexiest smile as she said, “Hi there.”

“Yikes!” Jamie cried as she tried to run. But this time Ryan’s cat-like reflexes halted her progress abruptly as Ryan firmly grasped an ankle. She crashed into the cushion face first and quickly rolled onto her back just as Ryan began to crawl up her body like a panther, first her right hand, then her left knee, left hand, right knee. Then she hovered over the supine woman, staring at her intently as she asked, “I believe you have something of mine?”

“Can’t have it!” Jamie insisted, still not willing to give up. In an impetuous move she took the keys and shoved them into her cleavage, safe within her tight navy blue sports bra.

“That isn’t much of a barrier,” Ryan purred, locking her eyes on her prey. She was panting a little from the exertion of her leap, and the smaller woman could actually watch the progress of the individual drops of sweat as they rolled down her hairline, past her strong jaw, down her chin and onto Jamie’s chest.

“No, but I fight dirty,” she promised. “When you reach for the keys I’ve got two hands free to cause all sorts of mayhem.” Her misty green eyes had grown fiery in the last rays of sunlight, and Ryan mused that she could see flecks of gold and amber and even a bit of orange in the shining orbs. She shook her head, spattering Jamie with drops of sweat as she did so. “Hey, cut that out!” she cried.

“Hmm, that’s an idea,” Ryan mused aloud. “When my brothers would have me pinned they would invariably spit in my face to gross me out enough to give up whatever prize I had. I bet that would work with you, too.”

Jamie gave her a slightly suspicious gaze, but she didn’t think Ryan had the nerve to spit on her.

“Nah, that’s too easy,” she finally decided, causing Jamie to let out the breath she didn’t know she had been holding. “But this might work,” she said as she quickly spread her hands out and clamped vise-like grips on each of her captive’s wrists. “That’ll keep you docile,” she mused, still surveying her options.

Jamie felt the deep sigh leave her chest as she looked up at the gorgeous woman holding her prisoner. I’ve been in worse situations, she mused as she watched the deep blue eyes dart around in thought. “How does it help you to have both of my hands if you have to use both of yours to do so?” she smirked. But as soon as the words were out of her mouth she knew she had made a fatal tactical error. Almost before the end of the sentence Ryan pushed her hands together, placing one atop the other. Her much larger and stronger left hand easily grasped both of Jamie’s wrists, holding them both above her head firmly.

“Got any more bright ideas?” Ryan growled as she wiggled her free right hand directly in front of Jamie’s face. That determined hand moved slowly toward her target, a fiendish look in her eyes that showed she was not afraid to claim her prize.

“You wouldn’t dare,” Jamie croaked out nervously.

Ryan leaned down until their noses were touching. Her wet skin smelled like the earth: like rich, warm soil, just turned over after the spring rains. Jamie had never smelled another person who shared the rich scent. It was terribly intoxicating and she truly wanted to just lie there beneath the weight of her friend and breathe in that heady aroma. But Ryan’s voice startled her back into her senses. “I never…ever…ever refuse a dare,” she purred with a determined look in her eyes. Her right hand was less than an inch from Jamie’s heaving chest and the captive knew that she had to put a stop to this but something deep inside wanted Ryan’s hand to snake inside her bra and stay there for a very, very long time.

But her conscience finally woke up and forced her to utter the only appropriate response. “Uncle!”

***

A few minutes later they were standing in the deep dusk, once again clad in their sweats. “I had a fantastic time today, Ryan,” she said gratefully.

“I had a great time, myself,” Ryan said with a grin. “But that’s not a surprise when I’m with you.” She raised her left hand and touched Jamie lightly on the nose, giving her an affectionate smile to go with it. “You bring out my wild side,” she added with a chuckle.

“I think you do all right bringing it out on your own,” she scoffed, but secretly she hoped that Ryan’s sentiments were true.

She leaned in for a hug but Ryan complained, “I’m all sweaty. I must smell terrible.”

Jamie did not argue with her but she nonetheless ignored the warning. She held her in a fierce embrace for a few moments, wishing to imprint that distinctive scent onto her memory forever.

***

Christmas break was looming ahead of Jamie like a trip to the slaughterhouse. She was planning on spending the nearly 4 week break at her parents home. Intense anxiety would have been an appropriate term for her mental state as she prepared for the visit. The Thanksgiving visit had gone so poorly that she could not help but assume this one would be worse. Thanksgiving was only really 3 days when she counted the time she was with Jack.

Her last final was on December 17, and school did not start again until January 19. Her only planned respite was a short visit to Ryan’s on Christmas Eve day. She wasn’t sure how she was going to explain that little trip, but she was going to go no matter what. She had also decided that she was going to meet Ryan at the gym for their 3 afternoon weekly meetings. Ryan had offered to do them earlier in the day but Jamie wanted an excuse to hang around to avoid rush hour so she kept their normal 4 o’clock time.

It just kills me that Ryan’s going to be alone for most of the break and I won’t be able to spend evenings with her, she groused to herself when they met for their last workout before the break. “So what do you have planned for your time off?” she asked as their hour wound down.

“Not a lot, thankfully. I’ve got to do some things around the house that I’ve been putting off but I think I’ll spend most of my time with Caitlin. She’s really turning into a little person now,” she said fondly. “Every time I see her she’s picked up something new.”

“Wanna have dinner tonight?” Jamie asked a little hesitantly, truly not wanting to be rebuffed.

Ryan gave her a luminous grin as she said, “I can’t think of a better way to start my winter break!”

***

She drove down to Hillsborough on Thursday evening and was pleased to learn that Marta had prepared a lovely meal for her little homecoming. Jamie sat in the kitchen with the cook for a long while talking about school and the training she was doing for the ride. Marta was fascinated by the changes in her body, and she teased her about her new muscles and asked if she could pick Jack up now. Jamie realized after a while that Marta was the only one in the house who had asked her a personal question.

They ate dinner after her father arrived home from work. It was late, around 8:15 and dinner was a bit overdone, but the meal was still relatively pleasant. Even though they had not discussed it, the tension between Jim and Jamie seemed to be gone. He was in a very good mood, having just come from his office Christmas Party. He seemed to enjoy spending a few hours socializing with the other attorneys. A much more elaborate party was scheduled for the next week for the entire firm. This little party was just for the partners and their spouses.

During dinner Jim talked about the little party and how enjoyable it was to get to know some of the younger partners. “I did have to stop and wonder at one point, though,” he reflected. “One of those young men brought another man to the party. What on earth do you think came over him?” he directed his question at his wife.

“I’m sure I don’t know dear,” was her flat reply as she did not even look up from her plate.

“They just seem to have taken leave of their senses,” he continued. ” Why can’t they realize how uncomfortable that makes everyone else at a party?”

Jamie knew that her color was rising, but this was the first evening of a 32-day stay. She could not afford to blow up now. She fought with every bit of her self-control to refrain from speaking.

“I guess you’re used to that type of thing at Berkeley, Jamie,” he said as he regarded his daughter. “But it just isn’t done in the business world.”

Jamie stared at her soup until she could see the individual molecules bumping into one another. She fought for composure before she finally replied, “I need some more spice in my soup. Does anyone else?” as she rose from the table, soup bowl held by a shaking hand.

She leaned against the door to the kitchen, willing her knees to stop shaking. Marta came over to see what was wrong, but Jamie just shook her head and went to the sink for a glass of water. “Marta, could you please get me a small glass of Scotch?” she finally asked. When Marta returned Jamie thanked her and downed the 2 fingers of amber liquid in one burning gulp. “Thank you,” she politely replied as she stepped back into the dining room, leaving the cook staring at her in disbelief.

***

Jamie spent most of Christmas Eve day with Jack. He had studied through most of the day, but he did take an hour break to convince her to make love. As she got in the shower after their break she devised her plan. She had called Ryan earlier and had been issued a blanket invitation to come any time and stay as long as she liked. A number of cousins and aunts and uncles would be there and most of them were going to midnight Mass.

Jamie put her casual clothes back on and announced, “I’m going to Berkeley to take care of a few things. Would you mind just meeting me at church before the service?”

‘Gee, Jamie, that’s awfully late.”

“I know honey, but there are a couple of little things that didn’t arrive before I left. I want to go to my house and wrap them. Then I need to go shopping for one teeny thing for my outfit. Rather than come back here I thought I could just go home and take a nap before Mass. I want to be rested for the service tonight,” she batted her eyes sweetly. Or: I’m leaving now so I can spend as much time with Ryan as possible, and I like her family so much better than mine. One of these two stories is the truth. Oops, wrong choice, she thought when he gamely agreed.

Well, things are really going well. I have to drink Scotch to get through dinner with my parents and I’m making up bold-faced lies to avoid being with Jack all day. Have yourself a Merry Fucking Christmas!

Nonetheless, she dashed home and dressed carefully. She donned a pure white heavy silk jacquard blouse, embroidered with an Asian inspired design. The banded collar was held together by a tiny black pearl button. A trim black velvet square cut vest just brushed the waistband of her black velvet pleated slacks. Black velvet slippers covered her feet. By 5 o’clock she was satisfied with her look and on her way. She called Ryan from her car to inquire if she needed anything. She laughed at her response, “Yeah, a bigger house or fewer relatives.”

Ryan answered the door, looking lovelier than Jamie had ever seen her. Her black hair was combed straight back, held off her face by a black velvet headband. She wore a crimson colored angora turtleneck sweater that gently hugged her smooth curves. Simple pearl earrings graced the ears that Jamie had never noticed were pierced. A single strand of pearls hung just above the swell of her breasts. Black silk pants covered her long shapely legs, and simple black leather shoes completed the ensemble. “Wow!” was all that Jamie could get out.

“Wow, yourself,” Ryan said as she ran her blue eyes up and down Jamie’s small form. “You look positively lovely,” she said sincerely. “C’mon in and let the men pretend not to stare at you,” she teased. When she saw Conor making a beeline for them she whispered, “All except one who has no shame, of course.”

Conor complimented Jamie until she blushed to the roots of her hair. He looked fabulous also, however. He wore a well-made navy blue double-breasted suit with a crisp white shirt and a green and red rep tie. His hair looked jet black and very shiny as it was neatly combed for a change. “Are you going to stay and go to Mass with us?” he asked hopefully.

“No, I can’t. I’m meeting my fiancé for services at my Grandfather’s church,” she replied.

“Your grandfather is a minister?” Conor inquired.

“Actually, he’s a priest,” she replied. When she saw the shocked look on his face she added, “Episcopal.”

“Oh, I thought maybe I’d been away from church too long and I missed something important,” he laughed.

Maeve came up behind him at that moment and stated, “You have been away from church too long sweetheart. The last time I saw you there was Easter,” she gently chided.

Ryan took Jamie by the arm and whispered, “Let’s get out of here before she starts on me.” They squeezed through the mass of relatives until Ryan spied her prize. She snatched Caitlin from her Aunt Peggy and eventually found the path to her room.

Duffy followed them down the stairs, eagerly sniffing at the bundle in Ryan’s arms. When they got downstairs she sat down on the bed and allowed Duffy to lick the baby’s giggling face clean.

“Duffy sure is good with her,” Jamie observed. “He seems to know he has to be very gentle.”

“Yeah, he loves kids more than I do. Luckily Caitlin is crazy about him too,” she replied as the big dog started to clean the tiny hands one at a time. “Okay Duff, you’ve had enough baby kissing,” she said as she scooped her off her lap and over her shoulder. She went to her dresser and took out a clean T-shirt, which she placed over her shoulder and chest. “Can’t be too careful,” she said from experience. “She just had dinner and there’s always a chance of rejection.”

They all sat on the bed as Ryan propped the baby up against her legs. “So what have you been up to this week?” Jamie asked.

“Not a lot during the week but I had a great weekend!”

“What did you do?”

“Conor has a friend with a condo up near Tahoe and we went up to ski and snowboard for the weekend. It was absolutely fantastic,” she said with a very happy grin covering her lovely face.

“I can’t imagine what a hellion you must be on the slopes,” she mused. “Do you ski a lot?”

“Every chance I get,” Ryan admitted. “If I had just a little less of a work ethic I could really be a ski bum.”

“That would be a pretty sweet job for you,” her smirking friend admitted. “You could live in Aspen or St. Moritz and have the wealthy women support you in the style you deserve.”

“Hmm, maybe this work ethic thing isn’t such a good idea,” she purred as she considered the suggestion. “Well, that’s enough about me. I really want to know how it’s going for you so far?” Ryan asked her friend.

Jamie considered how much to reveal, finally deciding that she needed to talk. “I had to chug a glass of Scotch to get through dinner one night, and I told Jack a blatant lie today,” she grimaced as she continued, “All in all, not great.”

Ryan thought about this for a moment. “Did you enjoy being with your family in the past? Or is this a new development?”

Jamie knew the answer, but was a bit embarrassed to admit it. “I didn’t mind before because I thought that was what families were supposed to be like. But after spending time with you and your family I see how stilted and formal my family is. I swear, Ryan, your family shows much more interest in me than my own does.”

Ryan smiled at her sympathetically. “We love having you here, Jamie. I think of you as a part of my family. You’re always welcome.” She shook her head briefly, “I feel sorry for your parents. They don’t know what a treasure they have in you.”

As she blushed shyly at the compliment Jamie replied, “In their defense, it is me who has changed. I want more from them and I want more from Jack. In a way it’s a bit unfair of me, I’m the one who changed the rules.”

“It’s never unfair to expect the people closest to you to love and honor and cherish you Jamie.” She got up from the bed and went to her dresser. “I certainly do,” she said as she handed her friend a small package.

Jamie looked up, a wide smile lighting up her whole face. “I really love getting presents, you know. But I feel the time I spend with you is a gift. I don’t need anything tangible to know how you feel about our friendship.” After a pause she added with a giggle, “But I still love presents.”

She carefully removed the red and green striped paper from the little box. Inside was a small black leather book, about the size of a paperback. She opened the pages to find a little map of each of the major bike routes in the Bay Area. The maps had obviously been meticulously removed from another book. Each little map was carefully glued to a strong piece of heavy white paper. Underneath each map was a legend in Ryan’s hand detailing the options for each route and the difficulty of each. On the page opposite each map was a space for Jamie to mark the date she completed the ride, what the weather was like and how she felt during the ride. Every 4th or 5th page carried a small handwritten message meant to inspire or motivate Jamie. Some were funny, some spiritual, and some practical. Jamie was touched beyond words at the time and effort that Ryan had obviously expended in making this journal. She fought back a tear as she wrapped her arms around her friend in silence. After a moment she simply whispered, “Thank you.”

After Jamie pulled back, Ryan gave her a luminous grin, “I’m glad you like it.” After a moment she added, “You know I don’t think I tell you enough how much it means to me that you are doing this ride. I know that AIDS hasn’t had a big impact on your life, and I appreciate how willing you were to take on this challenge. I think part of the reason that you agreed was because you knew it was important to me. I really thank you for that.”

“That is the biggest reason I agreed to do it,” she replied honestly. “I knew that you wouldn’t give so much of your time to something that wasn’t really worthwhile.”

Caitlin was getting tired of being confined to the bed so Jamie placed the shirt over her shoulder and picked her up. She carried her around the room, letting her touch all the books and the small items on the shelves. She pointed out the pictures of Ryan and the rest of the family and explained who each person was, even though Caitlin had no idea what she was talking about. Ryan lay back on the bed and watched her friend charm her little cousin. After a while Jamie announced, “I have a gift for you too, Ryan. It’s in my purse. Would you mind getting it out?”

Ryan gamely retrieved Jamie’s purse and began look through it. She found a card with her name on it and held it up questioningly. “Yes, that’s it,” Jamie replied.

Ryan sat back down on the bed with a look of anticipation on her face. “I like presents, too,” she admitted. She tore open the card as several pieces of paper fell out onto her lap. She began to gather them up as she pulled the card fully out of the envelope. After she had organized all of the paper she began to look at them carefully. Her face lit up with childlike glee as she read off each ticket. “Ohh wow, the Exploratorium, ohh the Children’s Museum, Marineland!” she shouted with delight. She came over to Jamie and held up the tickets, “There’s two adults and one child for each of these. Where will we ever get a child?” She dangled the tickets in front of the baby and said, “We’re going to play, Sweetie!”

Jamie laughed at Ryan’s obvious delight. “There’s a few more in there, Sport.” Ryan grabbed the envelope and found after a thorough audit that Jamie had purchased tickets for them to do nearly every baby friendly event in the Bay area. Finally she read the card, ‘Thank you for giving me a second chance at a happy childhood,’ read the note.

Ryan hugged her friend soundly, catching the laughing baby in the embrace for good measure. “This was a terribly thoughtful gift,” she said sincerely. “Caitlin and I thank you very much.”

“I’ve just never seen you happier than you are with her,” Jamie stated. “Being around you two is so healing for me. It allows me to experience some of those childhood pleasures that I didn’t get to have,” she admitted.

“It really surprises me that you didn’t do these things as a child. I mean,” here she struggled a bit, “I thought that people with money did all these things, especially for an only child.” She blushed a bit, “I just assumed you were spoiled.”

“I was spoiled with things,” Jamie admitted. “I had every toy and stuffed animal known to mankind. But my father didn’t have time to do kid stuff and my mother had no interest. She took me to the symphony and to plays and the opera when I was 3 and 4 years old. So it’s not that I didn’t go places, I just didn’t go to kid places.”

“Did you enjoy going to those places?” Ryan asked gently.

Jamie gave her a sardonic look, “You’re kidding, right?”

“Didn’t you have friends or cousins to do things with?” Ryan continued to probe, unable to believe that Jamie’s life had been so barren.

“I don’t have very many cousins that we socialize with. My father’s sister lives in Chicago and she has two kids so they weren’t very convenient. We almost never saw them. My mother is an only child, and the maternal side of her extended family just gets together in Rhode Island in the summer. We’re not a real close group,” she said, stating the obvious. “I didn’t start making friends until I was in Montessori school when I was 4, and I was never encouraged to have those kids over. I basically played with Marta, our cook, or the maids.”

“So you’ve been a little adult your whole life, haven’t you?” Ryan said sympathetically.

“Yeah, I guess I have,” she replied.

“Well, Caitlin and I are going to change that pretty darn quick. You’ll have regressed to infancy when we get through with you,” she said confidently as she put her arm around her friend.

“I have one more thing to give you, but it’s not a gift,” Jamie said tentatively.

Ryan cocked her head in question and waited for her friend to continue.

She walked back over to her purse and extracted another envelope as she balanced the baby on her knee. This one was not marked and she withdrew a white form and a check. “I was sending in my check for the AIDS Ride because I wanted to make some charitable donations before year end. I decided to donate $25,000 and it dawned on me that I should make a donation in your name of at least that much. I wouldn’t be doing this ride without your support, Ryan. It’s become much more to me than an athletic goal. It’s helping me to change my life in a fundamental manner. And it’s all because of you,” she said sincerely. “I know you like to secure your own pledges but I also know how busy you’ve been. I just want you to know that if you are running short you don’t have to worry.”

Ryan closed her eyes tightly as she struggled to hold back the tears. She bit her lip to control her shaking chin and took in a few deep breaths. Finally, she was able to open her eyes. She gazed at Jamie with her unwavering blue eyes and opened her arms. Jamie walked right into the embrace, cuddling Caitlin between them. Ryan didn’t say a word but she leaned over and kissed each of Jamie’s cheeks. She had so much emotion threatening to spill out that she didn’t trust herself to say a thing. But she maintained the hug for a very long while, kissing Jamie’s head and cheek repeatedly.

***

The rest of the evening was spent laughing and eating and joking with the whole O’Flaherty clan. Small gifts were given to Caitlin by everyone in attendance, and by the time Jamie was ready to leave the baby was once again fast asleep in Ryan’s arms.

The two friends walked to Jamie’s car together. “I think this was the best Christmas I’ve ever had, Ryan,” Jamie said softly when they reached the little car.

“You made it more special for me than I’ll ever be able to say,” Ryan replied as she gave her friend a one armed hug, being careful of the sleeping infant. “If your family gets to be too much I want you to call me. I’ve got a lot of free time before school starts, so don’t be shy.”

“I won’t and thanks again for everything,” Jamie said as she pulled the Boxster onto the small quiet street for the short ride to Nob Hill.

***

On the Wednesday after Christmas Jamie had to get away for a while. Jack was obviously trying hard but his attempts at being closer were driving her absolutely crazy. The message that he had gotten was that she didn’t like to make meals and clean up alone. So he gamely hung around in the kitchen while she tried to work. But he really was inept, whether through design or inability she wasn’t sure. He was in her way so badly that she finally released him to go back to his work. So the pattern returned to their previous one. He studied, she read. He studied, she cooked. He studied, she watched a movie. The routine was getting so monotonous that she wanted to scream. We never do anything, she whined to herself. We don’t go out for dinner; we don’t even go for walks any more. I know he has a lot on his mind, but I feel like we’re setting up a schedule that might never vary. He’ll just replace school with work and be just as unavailable to me.

She realized that the main outside activity they had was brunch and golf at the club. But I’ve been doing that since I was born. I want some excitement in my life!

She dialed Ryan’s pager and waited just a few minutes for her call. “Hi, what’s up?” she asked cheerfully.

“What’s your schedule today?”

“I’m at the gym right now. I’ve got clients until 11, then I don’t have much scheduled, except your workout at 4. Why, do you want to play?”

“I need to do something fun,” she stated firmly. “I feel like my life is so routine! If I don’t get my blood pumping a little bit I swear I’ll go mad!”

“When do you have to be back home?”

“I don’t care if I ever go home,” she sulked.

“Okay, meet me at my house at 11:30. Dress warmly and wear boots if you have them. We’ll go burn the carbon off your sparkplugs.”

“You want to take a drive in my car?”

“Nope. Just be there.”

At 11:30 on the dot Ryan was sitting on her front porch. She walked over to the Porsche and inspected Jamie’s outfit. She was wearing a distressed brown leather fleece lined bomber jacket, a taupe colored turtleneck and faded jeans. As she got out of the car Ryan nodded her approval at her ankle length brown boots.

Ryan was wearing her usual jeans, a crew necked sky blue sweater and her black leather jacket, along with her low heeled black boots. She gave Jamie a sly look as she said, “I know just the prescription for boredom. Come with me, little girl.”

She led Jamie over to the Harley and handed her the spare helmet. After her own was secured she got on and helped her friend hop on. Jamie immediately slid her arms around her waist and got ready to take off.

Moments later they were heading over to Route 1. Even though she had been on the bike several times, they had never gone very far or very fast and she found that she loved the excitement of the higher speed. Ryan drove the bike just like she drove a car. She went as fast as possible, while being as careful as she could be. When traffic slowed she would straddle the line between the number one and two lanes and slide right between the stalled cars.

Jamie knew that she should feel some level of fear or trepidation to be so thoroughly exposed at such a high rate of speed. But she had never felt calmer or safer. Every bit of anxiety left her body as they flew down the highway. She forgot all about her fights with Jack and her unhappiness with her parents. All she felt was warm and protected and safe. The wind was really quite intense and she found herself tucking her head down and nestling it into Ryan’s broad back. From her little cocoon she truly felt impervious to the outside world. Her world was just Ryan’s protective body, the bike thrumming between her legs and the freedom of the open road.

She wasn’t at all sure where they were going but eventually she saw the Golden Gate bridge looming in the distance. They crossed the structure and continued on, staying on Highway 1 the whole while. The scenery was absolutely beautiful at this time of year. There were very few cars on the road as they passed the forested acres around Muir Woods. They kept going and eventually the road wound down to Stinson Beach. When they reached the sea Ryan pulled the bike off the road and hopped off. “Let’s go for a walk,” she said as she held out her hand to Jamie.

After Ryan had secured their helmets they crossed over to the sea side of the road and began to walk along on the hard packed sand. Even though the day was beautiful there was not another soul on the beach. The sun was bright although the wind was stiff and cold as it blew in from the ocean. “I’m glad you told me to dress warmly,” Jamie said as a chill shot down her spine.

Of course, Ryan noticed this and held her arm out in an inviting gesture. Jamie shot her a shy grin but snuggled up against her anyway. They walked along in companionable silence for at least a mile before Ryan turned around and guided her back. I would feel odd talking so little with anyone else. But with Ryan the silence is never uncomfortable. Even when we don’t speak I feel like we’re communicating. Like now, she just wants me to feel free. She brought me here so I could feel how huge the world is, and maybe that would make me feel less confined.

When they were almost back to their starting place Ryan broke the silence as she asked, “Are you ready?”

“To leave?” she replied with a winsome look on her face. “I guess so,” she said, even though that was the last thing in the world she wanted to do.

“No,” Ryan said with a twinkle in her eyes. “Are you ready to get started?”

“Get started doing what?”

“Having your first lesson, of course,” she explained patiently.

“In what?” Jamie asked, even though she would gladly take a lesson in breathing or walking from Ryan.

“Your first lesson on how to ride a motorcycle,” she said, as though it was obvious.

“What!!”

“I don’t know of a better way to get your blood pumping than to put 80 cubic inches of power between your legs,” she purred.

“Uh…uh…” Jamie stuttered as she tried to decide what was more stimulating: the thought of driving the bike or considering the clear sexual tone of Ryan’s invitation.

“Come on,” she urged as Jamie’s feet seemed unable to propel her forward. “Once you’ve ridden on a Fat Boy you’ll never be the same.”

“Fat Boy?” she gulped as she thought, Is there a sexual allusion to every part of motorcycle riding?

“That’s the style of bike I have, it’s a Harley Softail Fat Boy.”

“And you want me to drive it,” she finally got out.

“Yep. Your blood is going to pump so hard you might have to open a vein,” she teased.

“Or several,” she squeaked out, as she pictured her broken body strewn across the pavement.

“I guarantee you’ll enjoy this,” Ryan reassured her. “And I’ve never lost a student.”

“Okay,” she gamely agreed. They crossed the road and approached the bike. Ryan pointed to a small paved road that gently led up into the hills.

“I thought that would be a good place to start,” she told her. “I haven’t seen a car come down that road the entire time we’ve been here. I’ll move her over there and we can get started.” She started the engine and rolled the big bike onto the blacktop. The road was relatively flat for a long while, but there was a hairpin turn about  mile out. It then began a rapid ascent up into the hills. But you could easily see and be seen from where they were.

Jamie trotted behind her and waited patiently as Ryan slapped the helmet on her head. “Buckle up tight,” she warned. When she was ready Ryan began the lesson. “Do you know anything at all about motorcycles?”

“Just that they’re fun to ride on,” she admitted with a grin.

“That is the most important factor,” Ryan agreed. “But there are a few more little details. Have you ever watched me shift?”

“Yeah, I think you use your right foot. Oh, and I know that you brake with your hands, kind of like on a regular bike, and I know the throttle is on the right hand thingy.”

“Excellent! It really is quite a lot like being on a regular bike. Just like on your bike, it’s important to stay balanced with your center of gravity right over the seat. It’s important to brake with both hands and not hit the front brake too hard. There’s a lean angle on both types of bikes. If you stay above the angle you won’t tip over. On this bike the angle is 28 degrees. Can you picture that?”

“Yeah,” she said with surprise. “That’s really low. I have a hard time imagining going that low.”

“Wanna see?” she asked with a devilish gleam in her big blue eyes.

“Uhh, not just because I dared you,” she said quickly. “I know you can’t resist a challenge.”

“No, I feel really comfortable on my bike. I’ll just show you how low you can go. It might reassure you.”

“Okay,” she said hesitantly.

“Don’t worry,” Ryan said easily. “Just watch me.”

She put her helmet on and brought the beast to life. She took it up the flat part of the road and went about another  mile, and then she turned around and began to roar down the hill. Jamie could see her perfectly well from her angle. When Ryan got to the hairpin turn she leaned the bike over so far that Jamie’s heart flew to her throat. Ryan’s knee was nearly touching the pavement but she made the corner and straightened up easily. She skidded to a quick halt right in front of her open mouthed student. “That was awesome,” she said. “But you’re out of your mind if you think I’m ever going to do that!”

“You never know,” she drawled.

“Oh, I know, Ryan, I know,” she assured her. “But I would like to go for a nice, safe, smooth little ride.”

“Okay. The first step is making sure you can hold her up. I bought this bike from a woman who had the suspension lowered about 2  inches. She wasn’t much taller than you so I think you’ll be able to handle it.”

“How much does it weigh?”

“With the stuff I have on it, she goes about 640,” she said easily.

“640 pounds!!” Jamie shrieked. “I can’t hold up 640 pounds!”

“You don’t hold it up, Silly. The wheels do that. You just have to help it balance. I couldn’t hold it up if it got below a 40 degree angle while it was stationary. Let’s give it a try,” she urged. “I’ll scoot back, you come up here and sit in front.” She patted the seat in front of her as she beamed an encouraging grin at her tentative friend. “Come on, she won’t bite.”

Jamie struggled to throw her leg over since she had limited room, what with Ryan sitting in the back. She finally got up with a great deal of assistance from her friend. “Whoa!” she said, as she quickly let the air out of her lungs. “This is sweet.” She placed her hands on the hand grips and shifted around in the seat until she felt comfortable. It was particularly comforting to have Ryan nestled up against her back, and she realized that she felt really good sitting in front.

“Okay, I’m going to stand up a little and let you feel what it’s like to hold her up. I’ll be right here if you have any trouble. I promise,” she vowed as she began to stand.

Jamie’s heart began to thump in her chest but she concentrated and held on tight. She found to her amazement that it wasn’t really that hard to balance such a huge weight if you stayed centered. “I feel okay,” she said slowly.

“Great! Now I’ll show you how to shift.” She provided a basic lesson in shifting and let her practice a few times; going through all of the gears one at a time. “Why don’t we go for a little spin? I’ll keep my hands on yours and guide you up and down the hill. All you have to do is shift when I tell you.”

“That’s all? You’re sure?”

“Yep. Believe me, Jamie. I will not trick you into doing something you’re uncomfortable with. I’ll tell you what you need to do and I swear I won’t expect you to do one thing more than that. Okay?” she asked as she leaned over to make eye contact.

“Okay,” she agreed, now completely reassured.

Ryan brought the bike to life and sat back while Jamie got comfortable. “Are you ready?” she asked as she glued herself to her back. A small nod was her answer. “Okay, put her into first gear,” she instructed. As Jamie did so Ryan’s large hands covered hers, gripping the brakes firmly. “Now I’m going to let the brakes off, so the bike might move a little. I’m going to give it a little gas. Just relax and let me guide you,” she said confidently.

Her stomach leapt to her throat but she did her best to stay relaxed as the bike began to move. Ryan really was driving but sitting in the front was a very heady experience. And the experience was made even headier by having her friend covering her body almost totally. Ryan’s chin was hanging over her shoulder and her chest was pressed tight against her back. Her warm pelvis was snuggled up against her butt, sending jolts of feeling down and between her legs. Ohh, I hope I don’t have to walk anytime soon. I know my legs are completely useless.

As they slowly climbed the small grade Ryan called out when she wanted her to shift. By the time they reached the turnaround point she was up in 3rd gear, and she felt proud of her small accomplishment. Ryan was very enthusiastic in her praise and Jamie was excited about the trip back down. She paid rapt attention to how Ryan’s hands worked the throttle and the brakes and by the time they reached the bottom she was ready to go up again. They made the little 1 mile loop 3 more times. Jamie was having a ball and was more than happy to keep her knowledge right at this level. But Ryan raised the stakes when she said, “I think you’re ready to move on.”

“What do you mean?” she asked suspiciously.

“This time, you take the throttle and the brakes. I’ll scoot up and shift for you so you don’t have too many things to think of.”

“I don’t know, Ryan,” she demurred.

“I have total confidence in you, Jamie. I know you can do this easily,” she insisted.

Somehow Ryan’s confidence was enough to bolster her own and she finally agreed. Ryan had to scoot even closer to comfortably reach the shifter, but Jamie was not about to complain. She rested her hands on the grips and prepared herself mentally, and then she nodded to show her readiness. Ryan kept her feet on the ground until the last moment to help balance the big bike. Jamie slowly turned the throttle and the bike smoothly began to roll. Ryan kept her promise and kept her own hands down by the grips by her butt…letting Jamie have complete control. Jamie could feel her warm body pressed against her and she was reassured by the relaxed posture that her friend maintained. If she’s relaxed I should be, she thought. Within seconds they were at the turnaround and she performed her next little test very well. She slowly squeezed the brakes and brought the bike to a smooth halt.

Ryan’s arms circled her waist for a quick hug as Jamie turned and beamed at her. “More!” she demanded as Ryan laughed heartily.

“It’s addictive, isn’t it?” she teased.

An enthusiastic nod was her clear reply. Ryan took the controls to negotiate the sharp turn, but quickly turned it over to her happy friend. They made 3 more complete circuits before Ryan’s deep voice rumbled through her back, “Wanna go all the way?”

God, how does any woman refuse her? Oh that’s right, no one does refuse her! she thought wryly.

“O..o..okay,” she stuttered. Ryan sat back an inch or two and let Jamie have full control. She put the bike into first and let her go one more time. The increase in sensation was small but significant. Now she was really in charge. If she hit the accelerator too hard or grabbed the front brake alone they could easily be on the ground. But the responsibility didn’t frighten her at this point. The slow buildup had reassured her at every step of the way and now she just felt confident. They did 3 more circuits just the same way, but before they began the fourth Ryan said, “This time, you negotiate the turn on your own.”

Jamie gulped noticeably but she nodded slightly and started up again. Her heart was pounding when she neared the top but she smoothly downshifted just like she had seen Ryan do. When the bike was going nice and slow she turned the wheel and leaned over just a tiny bit, turning the bike perfectly. When they reached the bottom Ryan squeezed her until she had trouble getting a breath. “I’m so proud of you!” she said with a high wattage grin. “You were so smooth and controlled. I really think you could do more if you’re up to it.”

“Like what?” she asked, both flushed with accomplishment and hesitant.

“Let’s go further up this hill. You can practice leaning into turns a little bit.”

“Okay,” she said with only a moment’s resistance. As they climbed past their previous stopping point she could hear Ryan begin to hum over the drone of the engine. After a few moments she recognized the tune and began to hum along with her. They rode for at least two more miles, humming the whole way. After they had begun the song for the second time Ryan began to sing. Jamie didn’t know all the words so she just let that rich deep voice rumble against her back.

She didn’t start at the beginning of the song, instead picking it up right where they had left it.

“Wendy let me in I wanna be your friend; I wanna guard your dreams and visions.

Just wrap your legs round these velvet rims and strap your hands across my engines.

Together Wendy we’ll break with the sadness, I’ll love you with all the madness in my soul.”

“Will you walk with me out on the wire? Cause baby I’m just a scared and lonely traveler,

And I wanna know how it feels. I wanna know if love is right, and I wanna know if love is real.”

Ryan then began to hum the instrumental part of the song and Jamie happily joined her. Moments later they reached a wide point that looked like a perfect place to turn around, Without even waiting for permission she smoothly downshifted and glided the big bike in a perfectly executed turn. Ryan signaled her pleasure by squeezing her thighs and patting her on the leg as she began to sing again.

She was signing at full voice by the time they neared their starting point. Jamie had heard the song hundreds of times on the classic rock station but she had never had anyone sing it to her while astride a motorcycle. Particularly a very sexy woman who had her strong thighs wrapped tightly around her body. Between the intense concentration needed to ride the bike and the focus needed to ignore Ryan’s body, she hardly heard a word. But Ryan had timed the song perfectly and as they pulled up she wailed out,

“Come on Wendy, tramps like us, baby we were born to run!

Ooooh, oooo, ooooh o..o..o..oooh, tramps like us were born…”

Ryan dropped her feet to hold the bike up while she performed an impromptu drum solo/congratulations on Jamie’s back. “That was so awesome, Jamie!” she yelled. “You are a total natural!”

Jamie could not help but catch the enthusiasm of her friend. She jumped off as Ryan tipped the bike a bit to give her better egress. She threw her arms straight into the air as she ran around like a 2 year old. “I am sooooo pumped!” she shouted.

Ryan had secured the bike on its stand and she threw her arms around Jamie’s small waist and picked her up as she began to twirl her in a tight circle. “Wasn’t that the most wonderful feeling?” Ryan demanded as the world flew by.

It took all of Jamie’s willpower not to shout. No, this is!

***

An hour later they were negotiating dinner. “Look Ryan, you took me all the way out here just because I was bored. I would really like to buy you dinner to show my appreciation.”

“But you don’t seem to get my point,” Ryan explained for the 3rd time. “I do things for you and with you because I enjoy them I can’t tell you how much fun it was to teach you to ride. It was like learning all over again for me. I got to experience the thrill through your eyes. That was an awesome gift!”

“Okay,” she said as she changed tactics. “It’s just 5 o’clock and there’s no way we want to be crossing the bridge at rush hour. I’m starving because I didn’t have lunch and I bet you didn’t either. We need to waste about 2 hours to avoid bad traffic. We can either do that in some crummy little place or we can go someplace that I really love. It’s a lot more expensive than you like to go for, so why not let me treat us to a great meal just because I can?”

“So this is not a payback dinner?” she asked suspiciously.

“Nope. It’s just a ‘hey, I want to go to the Lark Creek Inn. Oh look, there it is. Oh, Ryan’s with me. That’s okay, it’s more fun if I have someone to dine with’ kind of thing.”

“I’m sold. But are you sure we’re dressed up enough?”

“Yep. We can sit in the bar and watch basketball on TV while we eat. It’s really pretty casual.”

“Let’s go,” she agreed as they made their way along the tiny streets of Larkspur to the restaurant.

***

It was nearly 9 when they reached the City. Dinner had indeed been wonderful and Ryan was terribly glad that she had let herself be talked into it. As they approached the Marina district Ryan pulled over and turned in her seat. “Do you mind if I stop by Tracy’s apartment for a second? She’s supposed to fly in this afternoon and I told her I might come by tonight.”

“Geez, Ryan, we didn’t have to stay at the restaurant that long! I don’t want to interfere with your relationship.”

As she turned even more fully in her seat Ryan locked her eyes onto Jamie’s. “There’s not one minute of this day that I would cut out. Don’t demean our relationship like that,” she said emphatically. “My friendships are just as important to me as my relationship with Tracy.”

“Ryan, I’m sorry,” Jamie said quickly. “I certainly don’t demean our relationship. It’s incredibly important to me,” she stated firmly.

“I just can’t stand people who immediately drop their friends when they get into a serious relationship,” Ryan admitted. “I like to nurture my friendships just as much as I do a sexual relationship.” She allowed her face to curve into a crooked grin as she started over. “Do you mind if I stop by Tracy’s for a second?”

“Not at all,” Jamie said happily.

A few moments later Ryan was buzzing the apartment. They walked up to the third floor unit together, even though Jamie felt a bit uncomfortable. Tracy was a little surprised to see Jamie, but she greeted her warmly. “Well, well,” she said as she looked them over. “What do we have here?” she asked as she wrapped her arms around Ryan for a very friendly kiss. “You’ve already had dinner,” she said as she narrowed her eyes a bit. She leaned in for another kiss which they held for a bit longer than Jamie was comfortable with. “And dessert,” she added.

If she starts looking for what kind of toothpaste she uses I’m out of here!

“So where were you little scamps all day?” she asked. “I called your house and your pager, Ms. O’Flaherty,” she said as she placed her hands on her hips.

“Did you really?” Ryan asked as she pulled the device from her waistband to check it. “I didn’t get a page, Tracy . Did you need something?”

“No, I didn’t really. I called to tell you I wouldn’t be home until about 9. I actually got in right before you got here.”

“Good. I hate to inconvenience you,” she said apologetically. “But the answer to your previous question is that we were up in Marin by Stinson Beach. I taught Jamie how to ride my bike,” she said proudly. “And she was an excellent student,” she added.

“Ohhh, tell me all about it,” she demanded as she pushed Ryan down on a chair. “Let me get you both a drink first. Do you want a beer or some wine?”

“I’ll take some wine,” Jamie said.

“Water for me,” Ryan added.

A few moments later Tracy came back to the living room with wine for she and Jamie along with Ryan’s usual water. There was seating for 7 in the spacious, well decorated apartment but Tracy chose to sit on Ryan’s lap. “I’ve missed you,” she said quietly as she placed another kiss on Ryan’s lips.

Ryan gazed up at her with a sweet, shy smile. “I missed you too,” she replied as she sat up for another warm kiss. They were obviously used to sitting in this position because Ryan looked completely comfortable. She was sitting on a deep overstuffed upholstered chair and Tracy was leaning against her chest with her legs draped over the arm. She had her arm behind Ryan’s neck and Ryan’s arm cradled her back. All in all they looked very comfortable and relaxed with each other. It didn’t seem to bother either of them that Jamie was there, even though she was still a little uncomfortable.

They had just been dating a little over a month but they were already finishing each other’s sentences and other cute little girlfriend things. Tracy would occasionally brush Ryan’s bangs from her forehead or push a lock of hair behind her ear. Ryan teased her quite a bit and seemed to know exactly where each of her most ticklish spots was. She seemed to delight in holding her down with her strong right arm while her left hand got in under her ribs or just behind her knee.

When Tracy spoke Ryan would look up at her with barely disguised fascination. She would cock her head and focus intently on her as though she had some vitally important information to impart. They really are cute together, she thought. If I really care for her as much as I think I do I’ll be happy for her. Even though Tracy takes her away from me sometimes it’s important for Ryan to have this. I get my needs fulfilled by Jack. Or at least I should, she thought disparagingly. Ryan has needs too, and her needs aren’t limited to sex. She needs intimacy and romance and tenderness and it looks like she’s getting that from Tracy.

At around 10 Ryan decided that it was time to go. Jamie wanted them to have a few moments alone so she excused herself to use the restroom. She was gone as long as she thought was polite but when she walked into the hallway it was clear that they were a long way from completing their goodnights. Ryan had her backed up against the wall and Tracy’s arms were draped languidly around her neck. Neither of Ryan’s hands was visible and Jamie could only guess that they were palming Tracy’s firm little butt. It was obvious that Ryan was pulling her hips forward and equally obvious that Tracy did not mind one little bit. Both of them were uttering soft little moans as they frantically devoured each other’s mouths.

Oh boy, now what? I guess I can go back into the bathroom, but other than shaving my legs I can’t think of anything else to do in there. But just as she was beginning to turn to go back in Ryan pulled away with a few loud, wet kisses. “Gotta go, baby,” she whispered. Jamie was afraid that Tracy was going to collapse right where she stood. Her legs looked a bit rubbery and she still held her eyes closed. She pulled Ryan toward her and whispered something into her ear that caused Ryan to say, “I know, I’m sure I will, too.” She then grasped her head and placed several more searing kisses on her lips before she let her go. Ryan leaned her forehead against her girlfriend’s and murmured, “Now I know I will,” as she gave her one last tender kiss. “See you tomorrow, baby,” she said as she patted her cheek in a loving fashion.

“Bye, Jamie,” she breathed as the wide eyed woman followed Ryan out.

“See you, Tracy, thanks for the wine.”

“Anytime,” she replied as she weakly waved a hand.

***

Ryan slid her arm around Jamie’s shoulders as they walked back down the stairs. “Are you okay?” the smaller woman asked tentatively.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

“I thought you might need to…umm…stay over,” she hesitantly suggested. “I could easily grab a cab back to your house.”

“Nope. I want to go home,” she replied easily.

God, I’m so turned on I ache and all I did was watch for a moment!

When they got to the bike Ryan teasingly asked, “Wanna drive?”

“I think I’ll stick to less populated areas if you don’t mind,” she replied as she gave her a little pat.

15 minutes later they pulled up in front of Ryan’s house. As they both got off Jamie gave her a big hug and a kiss on both cheeks. “I had one of the most delightful days of my life, Ryan. Thank you so much for sharing it with me.”

“You’re welcome, Jamie. I had a great time, myself. Do you want to come in for some cocoa before your drive?”

“No, I’m sure you need to get to bed.”

“Well, I do have a date,” she admitted with a rakish grin.

“A date!”

“Yeah,” she replied as she held up her left hand and wiggled her fingers. “I’m so turned on I could scream!”

That makes two of us, buddy, she thought.

Chapter 12

Morris & Foster traditionally held a very large, very elegant New Year’s Eve party for partners and their spouses. Jamie had never been invited and she had never regretted the oversight. But this year her father had broached the subject just after Thanksgiving. After the disagreement they had she was more amenable to doing small things to please him but she was very leery of attending this party. She rather doubted that Jack would want to go since he seemed almost agoraphobic lately but she decided to ask him anyway just so she could tell her father that she had brought it up.

She was as surprised as she had ever been when Jack’s reaction turned out to be not only favorable, but downright enthusiastic. “I think that would be a lot of fun,” he said with more enthusiasm than she had heard all year. “It’ll give us a chance to get dressed up for a change. I would love to be able to dance with you when you’re all sexy looking,” he said winsomely. Dance, she thought with surprise. He dances?

As the day approached Jamie spent a fairly enjoyable afternoon with her mother shopping for new dresses. Catherine probably had enough formalwear to clothe a small fashion deprived country but she hated to wear the same dress twice so she needed something too. At her current weight Jamie could have easily worn one of her mother’s dresses but Catherine would not hear of it. “My things are far too mature for you, Dear. You need something that fits your age and your style.” And so they descended on the small shops of the South Bay.

The recent glut of Internet and software millionaires in the Silicon Valley created a new market for formalwear and Jamie was surprised at how many little shops now dotted the tree lined streets of the small towns from Hillsborough down through San Jose. Luckily since many of the nouveau millionaires were in their 20’s and 30’s the dresses were much more to Jamie’s taste. She finally decided on a nice little navy blue velvet dress that Catherine wholeheartedly approved of.

On the day of the party she waited until she was alone in the house to page Ryan. She had just seen Ryan the day before but she hadn’t remembered to even ask her about her plans for the night. She assumed she would be with Tracy but she still felt the need to wish her a Happy New Year.

Minutes later her phone rang. “You rang?” Ryan’s cheerful voice asked.

“I forgot to wish you a Happy New Year,” she said. “I couldn’t let that oversight ruin my evening.”

“Your evening? Ha! What about my evening? I would have been the one without your good wishes. You could have ruined a whole year for me, Jamie,” she teased. “I hope you’re more careful in the future!”

“Maybe I should just call you every day and give you my good wishes.”

“Now that’s the best idea you’ve had in weeks,” Ryan said happily. “I’ll expect your call from here on in. So what are you up to tonight?”

“We’re going to a big formal party at The Fairmont Hotel,” she said with much less enthusiasm than Ryan thought normal.

“Well that sounds pretty cool. Do you have a new dress?” she asked, knowing Jamie’s penchant for shopping.

“Yep. Navy blue velvet. I look pretty good in it if I do say so myself,” she said with a light chuckle.

“I’ve known you since August and I’ve yet to see you look anything but fabulous,” Ryan said. “But I would bet navy blue velvet is just perfect for you given your hair color and skin tone. Jack will be the envy of every guy there.”

“So what are you two up to?” Jamie asked, momentarily nonplussed that Ryan had obviously spent some time assessing her physical attributes.

“We’re going to a big party at The Mark Hopkins,” Ryan said.

“Really? That surprises me a bit. I thought you didn’t like large gatherings.”

“I don’t. But you have to make some sacrifices for a relationship,” she said wisely.

Tell that to Jack, she thought, but decided to keep her gripes to herself. “Is this for girls only?”

“Yep. It’s put on by one of the promoters who puts on big weekend parties in the City. I told Tracy I’d take her anywhere she wanted to go and this is what she chose.”

“Do you have a new dress?” Jamie taunted.

“I have my version of a new dress,” she conceded with a little laugh.

“And what might that be? Did you find formal jeans?”

“No, but that does sound appealing. Maybe I should have spent more than 10 minutes shopping.”

“Come on, tell me what you bought. I’m not familiar with formal lesbian attire.”

“Well the dress code is pretty darn flexible. I guarantee the diversity of my group will surpass yours,” she teased.

“Spill it, O’Flaherty.”

“Okay, I bought some black leather pants and a white pleated shirt…kind of a woman’s tuxedo shirt. It’s got little bitty black studs rather than buttons.” She paused for a moment and said, “Jamie, are you still there?”

Jamie physically slapped her head to make her brain start to work again. “My cell phone must have blanked out for a second,” she said hurriedly. “Your outfit sounds cute. I’d like to see it someday.” Yeah, like tomorrow, she thought dejectedly. I’d rather tag along on Ryan’s date than hang out with a bunch of lawyers. And I sure can’t imagine a person who would look better in leather pants.

“I hope you have a very good time tonight, Jamie. I send you every good wish for the New Year. But you’ll have to wait for your kiss,” she promised.

“Happy New Year, Ryan. I hope you and Tracy have a wonderful evening. Make sure you pay attention so you can tell me all about the unique outfits.”

“Will do, Buddy. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

***

Dinner was scheduled for 8 o’clock and Jack showed up right on time at 7. Jim and Catherine had arranged for the firm’s limo to pick them up and Jamie decided that it made sense to all ride together.

Jamie came down the stairs to the appreciative gazes of both her father and Jack. “Wow,” was all that Jack could get out.

“You look wonderful, Honey,” Jim gushed as he walked to the stairs to kiss her cheek.

“Thank you both,” she said as she waited for Jack’s kiss. “You look pretty wonderful yourself,” she said softly as he leaned in for a kiss. He had purchased a tuxedo for himself, figuring that he would need one once he started his full time job. He asked his law review partner to help him pick it out and Jamie had to admit that Natalie’s taste was exquisite. The suit was quite traditional but it had a shawl collar which set his broad shoulders off quite attractively. It was impeccably tailored and Jamie knew that it had cost more than he could comfortably afford but she had to admit that it looked fabulous on him. His wing collar white shirt and black tie completed the traditional look but he looked anything but stodgy. She thought that he had never looked more handsome and she began to feel a little better about attending the party. If he cares enough to dress this carefully he must really want to attend, she thought. Maybe he really does want to cut loose for a change.

Catherine made her entrance a short time later and gracefully accepted the compliments of the small crowd. She also looked particularly lovely this evening. A deep emerald green silk cocktail dress showed off both her figure and her pale blonde hair to good advantage.

“Shall we?” Jim asked as he took Catherine’s arm to lead her to the waiting limo.

***

The evening started off well enough. Dinner was the standard hotel banquet room fare: nothing special except the prices. They sat at a table with the other senior members of the firm but the ambient noise forced them to speak mostly to each other. But as soon as dinner was finished Jim invited Jack to join him and the other senior partners down in the bar to have a cigar. Jamie watched in horror as Jack immediately agreed. He doesn’t smoke! she thought in alarm. That is such a disgusting habit! And he’ll reek of the smell all night long, she groused to herself.

She was in quite a little funk when Catherine leaned over and said, “You may as well get used to it, Honey. These events are not made for us. It’s just an extension of the office. Our job is to look good and not get drunk enough to cause a scene,” she laughed wryly at her own joke but Jamie caught the bitter edge to her voice. “I’m having vodka tonight. How about you?”

“I think I’ll stick with Champagne,” she said since she had already had a glass.

Catherine called the waiter over and signaled for him to come closer, “I’d like an Absolut on the rocks and a bottle of decent Champagne.”

“We’re serving Mumm’s tonight, Ma’am,” he informed her politely.

“I know what you’re serving but that’s not what we’re drinking,” she said sweetly. “I’d like a bottle of Crystal. I can sign for it separately,” she decreed.

“Yes ma’am,” he said as he snapped to it. A few minutes later Jamie was sipping the excellent Champagne while various wives and fellow partners paid homage to her mother.

When they were alone for a moment Jamie asked, “Do you really know all of these people?”

“I know quite a few of them. We’ve been friends with some of these people since we were your age,” she laughed. “But many of them are complete strangers. I have no idea why they insist on talking to me. It’s not like you father quizzes me at the end of the evening, ‘So Catherine, did all of the partners and their wives kiss your ring?’ “

Jamie laughed at her mother’s usually hidden sense of humor. She’s kind of fun when Daddy’s not around, she thought to herself.

After a while a well dressed woman who looked a little older than Catherine came up and asked, “Could I have a word with you in private, dear?”

Catherine looked like she wanted to refuse but she got up and followed the woman to the side of the room. It was almost 10 when the men returned. They reeked of cigar smoke and Jamie felt a little nauseous when Jack sat next to her and spoke in her direction. But she had no interest in making a big deal about it so she tried to ignore the strong odor. After a few minutes he asked her to dance and she accepted mostly to see if he really knew how. They had never been in a situation that required them to dance and she hoped that he had some idea of what to do since she didn’t think it would be wise to lead.

Her mouth nearly hit her chest as he gracefully placed one hand behind her back and grasped her other hand in his. As the music started he led her around the floor as though he had been dancing for years. He seemed so self-assured and elegant that she had to question her long held perceptions of him. They didn’t speak as they danced but that didn’t bother her one bit. She just let him lead her with his calm but determined manner.

They remained on the dance for a several more songs and when they returned to their table he looked at her with his normal boyish face and whispered, “How’d I do?”

She sat back in her chair to regard him for a moment. He looked like nothing but a young boy seeking approval from his teacher for a well written essay. “You dance beautifully Jack,” she said sincerely. “I had no idea that you knew how.”

“I didn’t,” he said rather proudly.

“But how…?”

“When you invited me I knew I couldn’t stumble around looking stupid so I signed up for lessons,” he said with a big boyish grin.

“You…you took dance lessons?

“Yeah. It’s important to look like you belong, Jamie,” he explained patiently.

“I think I get that,” she said, trying to hold the edge from her voice. “But when did you have time to take lessons?”

“Natalie and I took a course together. She didn’t know how either so it seemed like a good way to learn,” he explained happily.

“You took dance lessons?” she asked for the second time; still unable to get her mind around the concept.

“Yes, Jamie, this evening is important to me,” he said as he gave her a little squeeze.

She had never considered herself slow. As a matter of fact she usually thought that she caught on rather quickly. That’s why this revelation hit her with such force. How stupid am I? I honestly believed he wanted to come to this party to be with me! She silently berated herself for a few minutes and shortly thereafter her father whisked Jack away for ‘face time’ with some of the other important people at the party.

She had to force herself to adopt a pleasant countenance after Jack departed. When she really thought about it she had to admit that she had rarely felt so alone. The walls of the huge banquet room seemed to be closing in on her and she fervently wished she was at home watching ‘Dick Clark’s New Years Rockin’ Eve’, never one of her favorite shows, but supremely more enjoyable than this debacle. Turning to her mother, she caught a look of unguarded despair on the older woman’s normally placid face. The look was so heart rending that she quickly averted her gaze to avoid making her uncomfortable. “You’ll never survive a lifetime of these events if you don’t learn how to drink, Jamie,” her mother’s voice floated past her ear a few minutes later. “You’ve barely had a full glass.”

Just then the waiter ambled past. Jamie looked up at him and asked in a clear voice, “Morphine and soda please.”

***

Ryan was dressed and ready to roll at 9 o’clock. Martin had insisted that she take his truck for the evening since he would be at work and would have no need for it. “It’s not wise to be gallivanting around on New Year’s Eve on a motorcycle,” he decreed. Rather than risk worrying him Ryan had dropped him off at work in the afternoon.

She actually felt pretty good in her new outfit. She had taken the time to polish her boots and she gazed at her bleary reflection in the black leather while she waited for Tracy to buzz her up.

As the door to the apartment opened Tracy pulled her in and spent a moment looking her up and down. Ryan patiently waited for her to finish and was rewarded with a low whistle. “You look so totally hot,” she purred as she pulled Ryan in for her first kiss of the night.

When she broke free Ryan stood back and regarded her date. Tracy looked more beautiful than Ryan had ever seen her and that was saying a lot. She wore a heavyweight silk white tank top and a very short, very tight black velvet skirt. Shimmery black stockings showed off every inch of her long legs and her two inch heels brought her up much closer to Ryan’s hungry mouth. Her shoulder length chestnut hair was swept up off her face in a tight chignon and the attractive style highlighted the delicate planes of her lovely face. “You look so beautiful,” Ryan murmured softly as they came together in another series of passionate kisses. Ryan wasn’t sure if it was Tracy’s luminous beauty or her mesmerizing perfume but something was ratcheting her desire out of control. She knew that if they did not leave soon they would see the New Year in from a horizontal position. “We’d better go,” she said softly as she finally pulled her mouth from Tracy’s voracious one.

“Maybe we should just watch the countdown on TV,” she suggested. “It’s very dangerous to be out on New Years you know.”

“It’s more dangerous in here,” Ryan decided. “Let’s go, Babe,” she said as she held out a matching collarless black velvet jacket for Tracy to slip into.

***

By the time Jack returned to ask for another dance Jamie could hardly feel her feet. But she was not in the mood for a lecture so she sucked it up and gamely followed him out to the dance floor. She was a bit surprised to see her mother being led out seconds later and she thought, Now being displayed for your viewing pleasure, Catherine and Jamie Evans. They walk, they talk, they dance!

***

Ryan had been to many lesbian dances and parties but this was by far the most elegant event that she had ever attended. The room was decorated beautifully and the music was not ear-splittingly loud. People were drinking but it was nearly 10 o’clock and she did not detect any obviously drunk women yet.

Almost as soon as they entered the room Tracy led her to the dance floor and they spent a good half hour moving against each other so sensually that Ryan knew her resolve didn’t have much of a chance at holding out tonight.

When Tracy first agreed to go out with Ryan it was with the caveat that she did not want to be a short term fling. Ryan agreed immediately since she was finally in the market for a steady girl friend. But Ryan made a promise to Tracy at the very beginning. She pledged that she would not try to sleep with her until she was sure of her feelings. Tracy had readily agreed but Ryan was getting the message that her friend was changing the rules on her.

At first she wasn’t sure if she was reading her signals correctly but the sultry glances were a good first clue. But even if she had not noticed the glances the torrid kisses would have been another indication. But no matter how oblivious Ryan was she could not ignore the bare thigh that kept sliding between her legs on the dance floor. Tracy had the most arousing dance style that Ryan had ever seen. She danced so close that their breasts continually rubbed against one another but the kicker for Ryan was the way Tracy insinuated her leg right between Ryan’s and thrust her hips in time to the music. After a few such numbers Ryan’s head was throbbing from her unquenched desire and her will was way past weak.

They were both thirsty from the workout so Tracy led her by the hand to one of the small bars set up around the large ballroom. Ryan knew the last thing she needed was alcohol so she stuck to her usual sparkling water. But Tracy seemed to wish to lower her inhibitions as she ordered a Scotch and soda. Ryan watched her slug her drink down in a very rapid style as she turned and gazed at her like a panther stalking prey. The wild look in Tracy’s eyes caused Ryan to move back a few steps, but that was right where she wanted her. She pushed Ryan against the rear wall and began to work on her mouth again. By the time Ryan came up for breath she was all in favor of seeing if she could snag another good deal on a room upstairs.

But just when she was about to suggest that they head home Tracy pulled her back onto the dance floor and began to sway to the music once again. “Give me strength,” Ryan moaned to whatever saint was in the neighborhood.

***

At 11:50 Jamie tried to focus on the blurred vision of her mother. “Will they come back at midnight or do we kiss each other?”

“Oh they’ll be back,” Catherine replied knowingly. “It wouldn’t look right to leave us alone then.”

Even from her fog Jamie could tell that her mother really didn’t look very drunk at all. How in the hell does she do that? she marveled. She’s had as many as I’ve had and she’s drinking vodka. That’s 3 times as much alcohol as champagne. But as she regarded her for a moment she really let herself see the vacant, almost desolate look in her mother’s eyes. Why is she so unhappy? she wondered. Is it her life or her self or is it just physiological?

Jack and Jim flew up with 3 minutes to spare. “Miss me?” he whispered into Jamie’s ear as he pulled her to the dance floor to join with all the other couples as they welcomed in the New Year.

“Desperately,” she replied in the same flat monotone her mother used with her father.

“Good,” he said happily as he wrapped her in his arms and kissed her with enough intensity to shock her out of her fog.

Oh right, she said to herself as she caught her breath. He has to look like he’s passionate.

***

The stroke of 12 found Tracy looking up into Ryan’s deep blue eyes and murmuring in a soft voice, “I love you, Ryan,” as she pulled her head down for a tender, emotion filled kiss.

Ryan was a bit shocked by this declaration but she realized that she was very close to declaring her love for Tracy too. But since her mouth was very happily occupied she decided to wait a bit to commit herself.

When she considered her feelings she had to admit that Tracy was exactly what she had been seeking in a woman. She was a lot of fun, smart, sexy, very passionate, and probably great in bed. As Ryan’s mouth was invaded by Tracy’s searching tongue she rethought that statement. No, she’s definitely gonna be great in bed, she thought with a knowing smile.

***

By 12:30 the Morris & Foster party was winding down. The younger partners and their spouses were still on the dance floor but the more senior members of the firm were starting to drift off. Jim approached and asked, “A few of the managing committee members want to have a nightcap over a the Top of the Mark. Will you two join us or would you rather stay here and dance?”

Jamie knew the answer before the question was fully out of her father’s mouth. “We’d love to join you,” Jack answered without even looking at her.

***

As they waited for the elevator to the top floor of the Mark Hopkins Jamie turned to scan the sign that listed the location of every event. Hmm, Ryan’s party is on the lower level. “I’m going to use the rest room down here, Jack. I’ll be up in a few minutes. Will you just order me some sparkling water?” He looked like he knew he should wait with her but all of the big kids were going to play and he didn’t want to be left out. “Go on,” she urged. “I’ll be up in a few minutes.” His smile of relief was actually kind of funny and she patted his cheek and stood on her tip toes for a kiss. “See you soon,” she promised as she started off in the direction of the rest rooms.

After a quick stop to check her makeup she made her way down to the lower level. It didn’t take long to figure out which party was Ryan’s. Women of every shape, size and color were streaming in and out of the largest room on the floor. Jamie noted with relief that no one was checking tickets so she slid right in and looked around for a few minutes.

She was just about to give up when she felt a warm presence behind her. A deep voice floated past her ear, “Are you here to learn the secret handshake?”

Jamie’s entire face broke into a delighted grin as she turned to greet her friend. Ryan’s arms enveloped her in a hug and she relaxed into the embrace feeling all of the tension leave her body. “Mmm, you smell good,” Jamie said as she pulled away. “And you look fabulous,” she enthused as she stood back and got a good look.

“Actually it’s Tracy that smells good. I just smell like her,” she said with a lascivious eyebrow wiggle. “Boy, Jack must be unconscious somewhere to let you get away tonight,” Ryan said with a twinkle in her eye. “You look as good as your lasagna tastes.”

Jamie playfully slapped her on the shoulder as she looked around. “Speaking of dates where’s yours?”

“I just left her in a ridiculously long line for the rest room. Where is Jack by the way?”

“He’s with the other fascinating conversationalists from Morris & Foster. They’re having a drink while they try to bore each other to death.”

“Oh oh,” Ryan said playfully. “Is somebody grouchy?”

“I shouldn’t be,” she said with an embarrassed smirk. “But I had the crazy notion that Jack wanted to be with me tonight.”

“And he doesn’t?”

“Nope. It’s just business.”

“I’m sorry, Jamie,” she said as she squeezed her shoulder. “I wish you were having more fun.”

“That’s okay. I need to get used to this since it will be my life for the next several hundred years.”

Mainly to lighten the mood Ryan revealed, “I think I’m going steady.”

“Are you, now?” she said as she placed her hands on her hips and regarded Ryan carefully.

“I think so. Tracy told me she loves me,” she said with an adorable blush covering her cheeks.

“That’s so sweet,” she said sincerely as she gave her friend a hug. “That woman has excellent taste!” After a beat she asked, “Do you feel the same?”

“I think so,” Ryan said slowly. “I’m not quite ready to commit yet but I’m close.”

“I’m really happy for you,” she said as she hugged her again. “She’s one lucky woman.” As Ryan released her she said, “I’ve got to get back. Within an hour or two they’ll miss me.”

Ryan considered how little Jack must pay attention to her when she realized that Jamie’s party was next door at the Fairmont. God, he doesn’t even know when she leaves the building for a half hour! Ryan gave her a sad smile and said, “I really wish you were having a better time. You deserve so much more.” But as soon as the words were out of her mouth she wished she could pull them back in. But Jamie did not seem offended in the least. She slid her arms around Ryan and hugged her tenderly as she rested her head against her chest.

“Thank you,” she whispered as she pulled away. “It really helps to know that someone thinks I’m special.”

“I do and I always will,” Ryan pledged as she tilted Jamie’s head up with her fingers. “Happy New Year, Jamie,” she said as she bent and placed a soft kiss on her lips.

She stifled the tears than threatened to flow and patted Ryan gently on the cheek. “Congratulations, ” she said sincerely. “I hope you and Tracy have a wonderful year together.” Another quick hug and she was gone.

***

Minutes later Tracy was back. As she wrapped her arms around Ryan for another deep kiss she could feel the passion flare up again. “Umm, let’s go somewhere where we can talk quietly,” Ryan suggested.

“Why don’t we get a room?” Tracy purred. “That would be quiet…for a while.”

Ryan looked down into her sultry dark eyes and wrestled with her conscience. Tracy was definitely a little drunk but Ryan thought that she was still able to make thoughtful decisions. Ryan was completely ready to take her upstairs and ravage her all night long but she felt that she needed to discuss a few things first. So rather than jump into bed she suggested an alternative. “Let’s have a drink first,” she insisted. “Where would you like to go?”

“Let’s stay right here,” she said as she took Ryan by the hand and led her to the elevator.

***

By the time they were shown to a small table by the window Ryan was so focused on her date that she completely failed to notice Jamie in a large group of lawyers and their wives. But Jamie most definitely noticed Ryan. My God she looks great tonight, she thought as she watched the supple leather stretch taut against her legs as she sat down. And Tracy looks fantastic, too. But I wonder why they’re here? I would think Ryan would have her in a horizontal position by now.

***

On the way upstairs in the elevator a thousand thoughts flew through Ryan’s mind. I feel almost ready to take the plunge but there’s just something holding me back. I guess I’m just a little phobic about commitment but still…

Ryan actually ordered her first real drink of the night. When the server brought their Scotches she lightly grasped Tracy’s hand and said, “Are you really ready to be intimate?”

A slow nod accompanied by a sly grin was ample evidence of her readiness. “Are you?’ she asked as she squeezed Ryan’s hand.

“I…I think so. I mean in one way I’ve been ready since the first time I saw you in class. I find you incredibly attractive and extremely desirable,” she lifted Tracy’s hand and gave it a gentle kiss. “But I made you a promise and I want to be sure we’re both aware of where we stand. I feel close to being able to make a commitment but I’m not quite there,” Ryan admitted.

“I’m not very interested in standing tonight, or tomorrow for that matter,” Tracy replied with a leer. “I want to take you home and not let you out until school starts.”

“But that’s two weeks!” Ryan squeaked.

“I know,” she whispered. “It’ll take me that long to love you thoroughly.”

“But I have to be home for the football games tomorrow,” Ryan replied lightly in a partial tease, just trying to break the sultry mood.

“There’s plenty of time for football some other time, Ryan. But just to keep you happy I promise I’ll have you screaming about my illegal use of hands,” she promised as she slid her hand up Ryan’s leather clad thigh, coming dangerously close to her inseam.

“I’d sure like to get my hands on your tight end,” Ryan replied winsomely as she gasped a bit for a deep breath. She shook her head to clear it and said, “I was serious about needing to be home for football tomorrow, though. I thought it would be a good time to introduce you to the whole family.”

“But I’ve met your family,” she said. “We had dinner right before I left for Christmas, remember?”

“That was just my father and brothers,” Ryan informed her. “Now you need to pass inspection from my uncles, aunts and cousins.”

“How many are there?” she asked hesitantly.

“About 25. They’ll all be at the house tomorrow.”

“I…I…I’ll let you know if I can make it,” she said slowly. “I do have some things I need to get done tomorrow.”

On New Year’s Day? What could you possibly have to do on New Years Day? Just to test the theory that was slowly forming in her head Ryan asked, “If I decide to skip the family party could I come over?”

“Sure,” she said easily. “Any time. Or you could just avoid putting all those miles on your car and stay over.”

“I don’t think I’m ready yet, Tracy. I made a promise and until I’m ready to commit to you I don’t feel right about it.”

Tracy’s hand was wandering up her thigh in the most alluring manner that Ryan had ever felt. “I release you from your promise,” she purred. “Turn your vigilant little conscience off and follow your desire. It’s okay if you don’t love me yet…or ever for that matter. I just want you to take me home and love every little inch of me—slowly.”

“Oh God,” Ryan moaned weakly as she felt her resolve float away in a cloud of erotic thoughts.

***

After a solid 10 minutes of staring at Ryan Jack finally turned his eyes to follow Jamie’s. “Isn’t that…?” he started to say but Jamie faced him again and leaned in for a kiss.

“Take me home,” she begged. “I want to feel you inside me.”

His eyes opened as wide as they were capable of opening and he completely lost his prior train of thought. God he’s easy, Jamie thought to herself as Jack immediately leaned over to ask Jim if he was ready to leave.

***

Just as they were getting ready to leave the bar a couple that Tracy knew came in. “Don’t even bother trying to get your car,” they informed them. “There’s a half hour wait.”

Ryan hopped up and gallantly offered, “I’ll go wait in line. Why don’t you all have another drink and come down in a half hour?”

Tracy’s friends handed Ryan their valet ticket and gratefully accepted her offer.

***

As she stood in the bracing cold wind Ryan felt some of her determination return. I’m really not ready yet, she thought. I have to get to the bottom of this family thing. It might be my imagination but I get the impression that she’s not interested in meeting and getting to know my family. And there’s no way in the world I’ll get seriously involved with anyone who doesn’t like my family.

***

The last drink was obviously the kicker since Tracy was sound asleep with her face pressed against the window of the truck by the time they reached the Marina. She was lucid enough to get in to her apartment but as soon as they hit the door she was on Ryan like a hungry dog on a bone. But now that Ryan had made up her mind the erotic temptation was quite a bit less than it had been in the bar. She lovingly undressed her friend with only a momentary desire to jump on top of her. After waiting for Tracy to finish in the bathroom Ryan guided her back to the bed. “Aren’t you going to undress?” she asked hazily.

“I think these leather pants will feel really good against your skin,” Ryan said softly. “Let’s try it and see.”

Tracy was obviously in the mood for a little experiment since she dropped face forward onto the bed. Ryan climbed on top of her thighs and forced herself to concentrate when Tracy let out a sexy low moan. God she had a gorgeous body, she thought as she fought to keep her desire at a manageable level. Ryan began to massage that gorgeous naked body; starting at her shoulders and slowly working her way down. By the time she reached her waist she heard the soft, deep breathing that signaled sleep. Leaning over her prone body she kissed her cheek and slid off her hips. She covered her with the sheet and duvet and carefully removed all of the pins that held her hair up. When she finished she ran her fingers through the silky tresses and thought, I would love to have that hair trailing over my breasts right about now. But a promise is a promise!

***

As the days of winter break passed Jamie felt so close to leaving so many times that she lost count. The most frustrating thing was that her parents were absolutely no different than they had ever been. She felt like a blind person who has been given the gift of sight. She saw things that she had never seen before, in the interactions between her parents; in the way they treated her; even in the way they treated the staff. The insight was driving her crazy however, and she yearned to go back home to Berkeley. Seeing Ryan on Monday, Wednesday and Friday afternoons were the only thing that kept her sane.

She worked out with a frenzy in order to keep her mind off her family. She put in 2 or 3 hours of riding every day except Friday since she trained her legs that day. She had seen the nutritionist a few times, but she was so tense during this time that she continued to lose weight. She knew she was down lower than she had been when she fainted at the talk line, and she began to wear more modest work out clothes so that Ryan wouldn’t notice.

She had to admit that Ryan was truly going out of her way to help cheer her up. After her workouts she took her over to the big empty parking lot of the local high school and patiently explained more of the intricacies of the motorcycle, allowing Jamie to ride the big bike for at least an hour each time. A week before break was over she surprised her by driving her over to the Department of Motor Vehicles and announcing that Jamie had an appointment to take her driver’s test for her motorcycle license.

To her shock, she passed the test easily and after breezing through the written test she proudly displayed the temporary license to her beaming friend. “I’m proud of you,” Ryan said fondly as she enveloped her in a generous hug.

“This was a wonderful gift, Ryan,” Jamie said sincerely. “Spending your time with me and being so patient has really made me feel special.”

“You are special,” she insisted as she leaned over and kissed her lightly on her blushing cheek.

***

As she got ready for her ride on the Thursday before she was to leave Hillsborough she heard a knock on the door. Before she could reply her mother opened the door and came into the room. Jamie was only wearing her underwear and her mother dropped her jaw in pure shock. “My God, Jamie what have you done to your body?” she said in alarm.

“What do you mean?” she replied defensively as she grabbed her jersey and yanked it over her head.

“You know perfectly well what I mean,” her mother replied sternly.

“I’ve lost some weight, but I’ll put it back on soon,” she replied, feeling very uncomfortable at this invasion of her privacy.

“That’s not what I mean. Your weight is fine, Jamie, it’s those muscles. You’ve done this intentionally and I want to know why,” she stated firmly.

Jamie was baffled at her mother’s behavior. Now she’s interested in me? “I have been working out quite a bit, Mother. I’m going to participate in a big charity bike ride and I need to get in shape to complete it.”

“That makes no sense at all, Jamie. What does riding a bike have to do with looking like this?” she accused as she pointed at Jamie’s sinewy body.

“I need to be in good shape overall to be strong enough to ride 500 miles. I look a lot more muscular than normal because of the weight that I’ve lost,” she said meekly.

“Do you mean to tell me that you plan on riding that bicycle of yours over 500 miles?” she nearly shouted. “I’ll not have it, Jamie. That is a ridiculous feat to even attempt. There is no reason on earth for you to do that and I forbid you to even try.”

Jamie was absolutely dumbfounded. She stared at her mother for a few long minutes. Neither woman spoke as the gulf between them widened perceptibly. Jamie simply turned and removed her jersey. She folded it and put on a t-shirt. She then began to pack up her clothes in silence.

Her mother stared at her back for a few minutes. “Jamie, I want your word that you will stop this nonsense right now.”

“I can’t do that Mother. I refuse to lie to you just to make you happy,” she replied. “I make my own choices in life and this is a choice I have made that I intend to pursue. I would prefer that you support me, but I don’t require it.”

“Don’t forget that we do support you Jamie, quite well if I do say so myself. I believe we do have a right to express our opinions about your choices so long as you are our dependent.”

She picked up her heavy suitcase and dragged it towards the door. “Mother, I appreciate your financial support, but we both know that I don’t need it.” She continued down the stairs, leaving her mother to stare at her in shocked silence from the doorway of her bedroom.

As soon as she was in her car she dialed Ryan’s pager. Moments later she heard the reassuring tones over her cell phone. “Hi, are you going to be at home for a while?” Jamie inquired.

“Yeah, until 6 or so. I’m having dinner with Tracy. Why, do you want to come over?”

“Yes, if you don’t mind. I just had a really bad fight with my mother and I need to talk about it,” she replied shakily.

“I’ll be waiting for you,” Ryan replied.

***

When Jamie arrived an hour later she saw Ryan rollerblading down the street at breakneck speed. I can’t believe she can blade up these hills. I have trouble walking up them! Boy, I bet my mother would love her body. “I think I understand why your father had to take you to the emergency room all the time if this is the kind of stuff you used to do,” she chided her sweating friend.

“Actually, most of my injuries were from skateboarding,” she related. “I used to go down to the financial district and zoom down all those cool plazas and walkways. He would have to come get me from the security guard’s office and take me straight to the E.R.”

“Did you hurt yourself badly?” she inquired.

“Mostly broken bones,” she replied nonchalantly.

“Boy, my parents think I’m tough to handle,” she shook her head in dismay at her cavalier friend.

They went down to Ryan’s room, the house actually being empty for a change. Ryan took a quick shower while Jamie just looked at the pictures on the walls. She particularly loved the pictures of Ryan when she was a little girl. There were at least a dozen framed shots of her taken at various stages of her youth. Her favorite was one of her as a toddler, no more than 2 years old. She had the cutest little round face and with that shock of black hair and those crystal blue eyes she looked like a beautiful little china doll.

When Ryan came out, wearing a long sleeved red T-shirt and faded navy blue sweats, Jamie crossed the room and asked for a hug. Ryan responded quickly and Jamie just stood in the embrace for a very long time. “You’re the only person I feel safe with anymore,” she mumbled into the strong chest.

“Come over here and relax,” Ryan said as she tugged her over to the bed. Ryan lay down first, scooting to the middle of the big bed. She pulled a couple of pillows behind her back to elevate herself, and then she held out her arm in invitation. Jamie gratefully accepted the offer and climbed right up next to her. Ryan wrapped her arm around Jamie’s back, resting her hand on her hip.

“Tell me what happened,” she urged.

“She came into my room and saw me in my underwear,” Jamie said as though that explained everything.

“I didn’t convert you to boxers, did I?” Ryan asked with a hint of levity in her voice.

“It wasn’t the underwear—it was my body,” she said as Ryan nodded her understanding.

“I remember we talked about this at the beginning. We talked about how Jack would feel but we didn’t discuss her or your father,” Ryan reminded her.

“She was unbelievably proprietary about how I looked. She forbade me to participate in the AIDS ride and she threatened to cut off my support,” Jamie muttered, still shocked by the events of the afternoon.

“Can you survive if they cut you off financially?” Ryan asked.

“Yeah, I’ve got a good chunk of money in my personal account and I get a part of my inheritance on my birthday. I’m certain they can’t do anything about that ….unless they try to have me declared incompetent,” she said with disgust.

“Is it enough to live on?” Ryan inquired delicately.

“Yeah,” Jamie finally smiled. “It’s enough for your extended family to live on, including the ones still in Ireland.”

“Does that mean you’re finally gonna start paying me to be your best friend?” she asked as she began to tickle Jamie’s waist.

The smaller woman began to giggle uncontrollably at the attack. “How did you know I was ticklish?” she howled.

“You just look like the sort who would be,” Ryan replied deviously as she began another round of the assault.

After Jamie recovered her breath Ryan got serious again. “What can I do to help you, Jamie? You know I’ll do anything I can.”

“Just knowing you’re here and that I can count on you is an immeasurable blessing,” she said sincerely.

***

When she returned to Berkeley there were 4 messages from her father and two from Jack.

I wonder who will be less supportive? she thought glumly. She decided to call Jack first. He was very upset that she had left the Peninsula without calling him, and he did not understand why she would upset her parents like this. “Jamie, don’t you care enough about their feelings to give up this stupid ride?” he finally asked out of exasperation.

“Why does no one ever suggest that they give up their desires to please me?” she asked plaintively. “Why is it assumed that in every one of my relationships I have to be the one to give in?”

“I assume that we’re talking about us now, Jamie. I certainly think I’ve been more than understanding about all of your changes and your new friends. Don’t think I haven’t noticed all of the muscle you’ve begun to put on. I’ve got to admit it’s kind of a turn-off for me. I like you to look like a woman Jamie. I like your softness. Your baby fat was so soft and comforting when I would rest my head on your stomach,” he said wistfully. “I’ve just been hoping that you will get this out of your system and things will get back to normal.”

“Keep dreaming, Jack. It’s not gonna happen,” she said with finality as she hung up.

***

The conversation with her father went just as well as the one with Jack. Her father did not understand what had come over her. He thought her new friends were responsible for these changes and he thought that perhaps she should live at home for a while and commute. She thanked him for his concern and said she would think about it. February 11 cannot come soon enough. I’ll be 21 and legally responsible for myself in every way.

***

On the first Sunday morning of spring term Jamie drove into the city at 7 a.m. After receiving permission, she stopped at her father’s city apartment to trade the Boxster for the larger Range Rover. When she reached Ryan’s home she was pleased to find that Martin was at home. He made a big breakfast for the three of them which she ate with gusto. After the meal she and Ryan thoroughly cleaned the kitchen. “Whose job do I have?” she asked brightly.

“You’re Brendan and Conor,” Ryan replied. “I’m me and Rory.”

“Well, I certainly feel like part of the family.” She added after a pause, “More like two parts, actually,” she laughed.

By 8:30 everything was in order and Ryan drove the very short distance to her Aunt Maeve’s home. Maeve’s son Tommy was a fireman, and he generally had two or three days off in any given week. His wife Annie was a nurse anesthetist at San Francisco General. She worked second shift so she could be with the baby during her most active hours. When Tommy was at work the baby slept at Maeve’s, an arrangement that had so far worked out beautifully. They tried to arrange their days off so that one of them was home, but one or two days every week Maeve took over. “You know, Ryan,” she chided her niece, “I shouldn’t let you have my precious little one for a whole day. I only saw her once last week, you know.”

“I know, I know,” Ryan agreed. “If only all babies could have it so good,” she added soberly.

Caitlin was as delighted as a 4 month old can be to be in her big cousin’s arms. They took the carrier for the baby, the stroller, the car seat and the huge diaper bag out to the car and struggled to load it all securely. They hooked the car seat into the rear passenger side so the baby could see the driver, who for a change was Jamie. She had offered to drive so that Ryan could sit next to the little passenger to keep her entertained.

After a short drive they arrived at their destination; Golden Gate Park. Jamie loved the big old park, but she had not visited it since she was on a field trip with her 4th grade class. They strapped Caitlin into the infant carrier and Ryan stood patiently while Jamie attached the giggling baby onto her big cousin’s back. The stroller came out next and they put the diaper bag on the shelf of the bottom of the sturdy vehicle. Jamie had a feeling that the stroller would be used as a carry-all more than a carry-Caitlin. Ryan seemed to have almost a primal need to have the baby attached to her body, and Caitlin seemed to be much happier when she was able to feel Ryan’s sturdy body moving against her own.

They walked around the park for a long time, pausing to watch people play tennis, ride horses and bikes and generally enjoy all that the park had to offer. Leaving the stroller at the gate they carried the now dozing baby into the gravel lined paths of the Japanese Tea Garden while they walked along chatting comfortably.

After a diaper change and a snack from the Italian deli that Jamie had snuck into the diaper bag they continued to walk rather aimlessly around the park. But after several hours of walking, stopping and being carried Caitlin began to get a little cranky. Ryan had Jamie remove her from the carrier and she patiently swooped her up and held her securely in her strong arms until she gave up the fight and fell asleep on her shoulder.

“You sure do have a way with her,” she marveled. “Have you spent a lot of time with babies?”

“No, not really,” Ryan reflected. “I just think about what I would want and I try to give that to her,” she said simply. “I think every person just wants to be understood, no matter what age they are. It’s tough when she’s this young because she can only communicate through her cries. But when you really pay attention you begin to notice that her cries each mean something different. The main thing is to just stay connected so you can understand her even when she makes it hard.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard a more true statement,” Jamie said with admiration as she linked her arm with Ryan’s. “Everyone does just want to be understood.”

***

They found a peaceful grassy area near the large windmills that dotted the grounds. Jamie spread out a thick blanket on the dry ground and Ryan gently placed Caitlin down. She artfully constructed a tiny little tent out of another small blanket and some rigid toys to keep the sun from the baby’s body. They sat peacefully eating sandwiches from Jamie’s secret stash. “You sure do know how to throw a good picnic,” Ryan said as she happily munched away.

“I come from a family of football tailgaters, remember? You’re just lucky I didn’t bring a grill and a bag of charcoal.”

***

As they relaxed on the grass Ryan turned to Jamie and said with a serious expression on her face, “I need some advice. Are you in the mood to hear about my problem?”

“Sure, what is it?”

“I need some advice about sex,” Ryan said quietly.

“You need MY advice about sex? What’s your question? ‘How do I have less sex?’ Or ‘How do I make sex feel worse?’ “

“Actually, you won’t believe this but Tracy and I haven’t had sex,” she said after a moments hesitation.

“What!” Jamie said with alarm. “I thought your record for abstinence was two weeks! You’ve been seeing her almost 2 months!”

“I know, I know. But when I first asked Tracy out I promised that I would attempt to be serious about her. I’ve really struggled a bit keeping that promise. I just cannot play around with her because I like her so much.” Here she paused as she looked at Jamie with wide blue eyes. “Do you understand? I don’t want to have sex with her until I’m sure there is a future for us. I just don’t want to hurt her if it doesn’t work out.”

“Has it really been hard for you?” Jamie inquired solicitously.

“It really has and Tracy hasn’t made things easy for me either. She is so attractive and she turns me on so much that it’s a constant battle when we’re together. To tell you the truth she’s a little angry with me about New Year’s. She really wanted to sleep together but I stuck to my promise. I mean, this probably sounds stupid to you but I’ve always looked at sex as purely fun. I never really let it effect me emotionally. This is really new territory for me and it confuses me a little.”

“What confuses you about it?” Jamie asked gently, reading the fragile look in her friend’s eyes.

“How do you know if you’re falling in love with someone?” she asked with the sweetest, most innocent look that Jamie had ever seen on her face.

“That’s a very big question, Ryan. I know you were in love with Sara. How did you know that?” she asked.

“Sara just felt like a part of me,” she said sadly. “But that still confuses me. How could I love someone who didn’t love me back?”

“I think Sara did love you, Ryan. I can’t believe that your feelings for her were one sided. It’s possible that she loved you deeply but wasn’t able to love you physically. It is possible to have a deep soul bond with someone and not consummate that bond.”

“I guess you’re right,” she said as she thought for a minute. “I guess I’m confused because I don’t know how to separate my feelings for her with my desire for her. I’m afraid that my need to be with her physically is obscuring my feelings. That’s why I’m trying to hold off on having sex. I want this to be about love rather than sex.”

“I really admire your restraint, Ryan. I know it’s not easy for you. But, I can empathize. That’s why I waited so long with Jack. I wanted to be sure of my feelings before I let sex confuse the issue.”

“How did you know that you loved Jack?” she inquired.

“I just felt right with him. I admired him, I respected his moral sense, I trusted him completely. I could really picture being with him for the rest of my life and sharing everything together.” She shook her head a little at the memory. “But maybe I’m not the right person to answer that question right now.” She admitted.

“I’m really sorry things are so tough for you right now, Jamie. But I’m sure they’ll turn around soon. Have you made up from your last little tiff?”

“I guess we have,” she prevaricated. “We’ve talked on the phone several times and things seems pretty much back to normal. But normal just doesn’t satisfy me anymore,” she mused. “I want to be closer, Ryan. I just wish he’d spend as much time trying to understand me as you do Caitlin.”

“I wish that too, Jamie,” she said fervently. “I can’t tell me how happy that would make me.”

***

After a long while spent talking and listening to the birds fly overhead Jamie finally said, “I really envy Caitlin. She can just curl up and go to sleep whenever she wants to,” she shook her head with envy at the sleeping infant.

“You can too, if you have the right equipment,” Ryan said as she scooted up next to a sturdy eucalyptus tree. She rested her back against the trunk as she stretched out her legs and patted a strong thigh. “C’mon over and catch a little nap. I don’t want to have to carry both of you,” she grinned.

Jamie grinned shyly but did as she was told. She crawled over to Ryan and placed her head on that firmly muscled thigh. Ryan gently ruffled her hair for a few moments and within minutes Jamie was sound asleep.

Caitlin was the first to wake. She began to fuss a little and Ryan carefully lifted Jamie’s head and placed it on the blanket. She crawled back to the baby and expertly changed her diaper and fed her a bottle. She had a diaper over her shoulder and was burping her little charge when Jamie awoke. She smiled over at Ryan who returned the grin. After a little stretch she began to get up when she saw Ryan’s face freeze in fear. The next sensation was that of a strong hand against her mouth and another arm sliding under her left arm and crossing over her chest to drag her to her feet.

“Don’t say a word; don’t fight and don’t scream,” said the hiss right behind her ear.

Jamie could see Ryan’s face grow unnaturally calm and heard her utter slowly, “Don’t you dare hurt her.”

“Oh, I’m not gonna hurt her,” the low voice rumbled. “She’s gonna like what I do to her, aren’t ya blondie?” Jamie could feel his hot breath on her neck and she felt the all too familiar sensation of total blackness overcome her. The last thing she felt was the heaviness as her legs could no longer support her.

Minutes later she woke, lying in Ryan’s arms. She gathered her wits and finally focused enough to see Caitlin giggling from atop a very tall horse, in the arms of a very tall mounted police woman. She shook her head to clear the cobwebs and saw an unconscious man lying on the ground, bleeding from his nose, with his right arm at a very unnatural angle. Several other people stood around them offering statements to another officer, this one on foot.

“What happened?” Jamie foggily inquired.

“Hey, are you all right?” Ryan asked as she looked carefully at her eyes.

“Yeah, I think so,” she admitted. “But what happened?” she repeated.

“This poor excuse of a human,” here Ryan indicated the prone man, “tried to abduct you,” she said simply.

“And I fainted?” she pressed for details.

“Like a champ,” Ryan said proudly.

“Why is that a good thing?” Jamie asked, clearly confused.

“It gave me the opportunity to stop him,” Ryan said, again skimping on the details.

“How did you stop him, Ryan?” Now she struggled to sit up. “Will you please tell me everything that happened?”

“Your girlfriend is being modest, Ma’am,” the mounted officer finally said. “After this perp tried to drag you into those bushes,” she indicated a deep stand of camellias right behind them, “she laid your baby down and executed the most perfect flying kick I have ever seen.” The officer beamed at Ryan, who blushed thoroughly. “He didn’t let go of you fast enough for her, though, even though I think he was unconscious already, so she dislocated the arm that he held the weapon with,” she shot Ryan another big smile. “We don’t encourage citizens to go up against armed attackers, but I must admit that was a thing of beauty.”

“H.h.h.he was armed?” Jamie stuttered out.

“Yes, Ma’am” said the officer. “He had a knife that he was holding to your neck,” she said helpfully over Ryan’s scowl and fiercely shaking head.

When Jamie woke up from her second unplanned nap Ryan was again cradling her in her arms. “Don’t you get enough sleep at night?” she teased.

Jamie just shook her head and stared at her in appreciation. “Once again Ryan, you’re a lifesaver.” She shuddered a bit, “Although this time I mean it literally.” She again struggled to sit up with Ryan’s assistance. She threw her arms around her neck and sobbed into her shoulder. Ryan stroked her back as she murmured words of comfort into her ear. The mounted officer still held Caitlin securely and she turned her big horse a bit so the baby did not see Jamie cry. After a long while Jamie composed herself enough to stand on shaking legs. Ryan supported her firmly until she felt confident enough to walk unaided.

The officer handed Caitlin back to Ryan and said to Jamie, “You’re a lucky woman, Ma’am. I have a child at home just a little older than yours. I know how you must feel,” she said sympathetically.

Jamie was too tired to argue about the details. She simply said, “I know how lucky I am,” as she grasped Ryan’s available hand.

***

After assuring the officers that they would return to make their statements they bundled the baby up and returned her to her grandmother. They decided to downplay the incident to avoid upsetting the family so they merely said that there had been a small incident at the park and they needed to return to make a statement. Since everyone seemed fine, Maeve left it at that as she made over the baby and her big adventure at the park.

Hours later the pair finished up at the police station. The perpetrator had been booked into the hospital ward for treatment of his various injuries, and he would be charged with his crimes when he was released. Jamie was still very shaky as Ryan drove them over to the apartment to exchange cars. She had not asked Ryan for any more details and Ryan was concerned that she was still in shock. After they had retrieved the Boxster Ryan drove them back to her home. Due to her concern for Jamie she decided to tell Da the whole story. He looked at Jamie’s still face repeatedly before he called his station. Within minutes a paramedic was at the house. She examined Jamie thoroughly and agreed that she was in a mild state of psychological shock. The woman was a little concerned with Jamie’s low blood pressure, but Ryan assured her that this was normal for her friend.

Jamie assured them that she was all right but neither believed her. Da thought that they should call Jamie’s parents or her boyfriend, but Jamie was adamant that they not be involved. Ryan decided to cancel her date with Tracy but Jamie insisted that she keep it. She agreed to keep the date only if Jamie would agree to stay at the house that night and eventually Jamie reluctantly agreed.

Before Ryan left for her early date she bundled Jamie up in some too large sweatpants and a soft fleece pullover. She put her on the big bed in Da’s room and turned on the television for her. Jamie refused her offer to go rent some movies, being content to just channel surf for a while.

After Ryan was gone Da made dinner for the two of them. Conor was out on a date and to avoid any more stress Da did not tell the boys what had happened. Jamie didn’t have much of an appetite, so after he removed her plate Da tried to tempt her with ice cream or cookies. That finally got a laugh out of her. “You’re just like Ryan,” she grinned. “She’s always trying to get me to eat.”

“Someone has to try, darlin,” he said affectionately. “A good stiff wind would whip you right into the bay.”

Da sat down in his favorite chair to read the paper and curse the poor light in the room, angling the paper until he could make out the small print. Jamie half heartedly watched a few game shows, shifting from channel to channel. After a while she broke the silence, “I owe her my life, you know,” she said solemnly.

“You don’t know that for sure, Jamie. It’s best not to allow yourself to speculate on what could have happened. But I thank the good Lord that she was with you,” he said sadly as he shook his head. “I’ve never been so happy that she decided to get involved in martial arts.”

“Has she ever had to use it before?” she asked.

“Not that I know of, but she could be involved in a lot of things that I don’t know about,” he laughed wryly. “She’s a tough one to keep out of trouble,” he said proudly.

“You know how special she is, don’t you?” she finally asked softly.

“Jamie, there is no man on earth who is more proud of his daughter than I am,” he said sincerely. “She has been an extraordinary person since the day she was born.”

“Was it hard for you when she told you she was gay?” she delicately asked.

“I can’t say that it would have been my choice for her, but it certainly doesn’t bother me,” he said reflectively. “I do wish she would find a nice woman that she could really love, but that will come in time, I suppose.”

“Maybe it’ll be Tracy,” she commented.

“Perhaps,” he said shortly and without elaboration.

“How would her mother feel about it?” she ventured to ask.

“You know, Fionnuala was a very insightful woman. When Maeve told her about Michael she claimed she had always known the lad was gay. She really made her sister see that it was the same Michael we had always known and loved. We didn’t find out about his illness until my poor Fionnuala was just about gone, but she summoned every ounce of strength she had to stick up for that boy.” He grew quiet for a while but finally continued. “She couldn’t make a dent in old Charlie, though. His rejection of Michael weighed very heavily on her heart. About six months before she died we were just talking one night and she made me promise that if any of the kids turned out to be gay that I would love them just the same. I looked at her and made that promise without hesitation.” His eyes filled with tears as he acknowledged, “I think she knew that Siobhan would be the one. There was something about her that was just different from the other little girls,” he reflected. “And I don’t mean her activity or her athleticism. It’s hard to describe but there was something different about her spirit. And she has that same confident spirit today, Jamie.” After a long pause he continued with a quavering voice, “When I think of making that promise to my Fionnuala I realize that I’ve never made a promise that was easier to keep,” he said with a small smile.

“I think she is a very lucky woman to have a father like you,” she said as she caught a tear escaping from her eye.

“We’re the lucky ones, Jamie. I think it was our love for her that kept us all so close. She was such a small child when her mother died that we all had to join together to make sure we could do our best for her.”

“You’ve done a marvelous job, Martin. And I know your wife would be proud of you all.”

***

Ryan was home early, around 10 o’clock. She found them both in the bedroom, Da asleep in his chair, Jamie in the bed. She quietly went to the bed and slipped her arms under her friend and gingerly carried her down to her own room. I’ve never met an adult that conked out like this, she thought as she struggled down the stairs with her burden. After wrestling her limp body into the covers she went back upstairs to turn off the TV and wake Da. He gave her a smile when he saw her, pulling her down for a kiss to both cheeks. “I love you, baby,” he said as he released her.

“I love you too, Da. Thanks for watching over Jamie for me tonight.”

“Did you have a good time on your date?” he asked as he neatened up the newspaper.

“Yeah, I really did. I like Tracy a lot.”

“Do you think she’s the one, Darlin’?”

“I don’t know, Da,” she said as she sank to the bed. “But I’m doing my best to find out.” She shot him a grin and he ruffled her hair in an affectionate gesture.

“Why don’t you bring her around more often?”

“I think I will Da,” she said happily as she got up to return to her room.

***

Back in her room she changed out of her clothes and put on a thin pair of flannel pajama bottoms. Then she removed her bra and slipped on a long sleeved t-shirt. After she brushed her teeth she got on top of the covers, unfurling a blanket over herself. She spent a long time reviewing the day; shuddering each time she saw the terror in Jamie’s eyes when those evil hands had grabbed her. Finally she offered up her prayers of thanksgiving finishing with an audible, “Thank you, Mama,” as she closed her eyes and fell asleep.

***

Jamie sat bolt upright as she felt the panic tighten in her chest. Ryan flew up a second later and wrapped her in her arms, holding on tight as Jamie struggled to breathe. “Calm down, it’s all right. I’ve got you. You’re all right. I’m here,” she repeated in a soothing cadence as she rocked her gently. When she was able to breathe normally Jamie pulled back and asked, “How did you get here?” Looking around in confusion, she added, “How did I get here?”

“We’re in my room,” Ryan said soothingly. “I carried you down here about 4 hours ago,” she said as she glanced at the bedside clock.

“You had to carry me again?” she said with a hint of embarrassment.

“Yep,” she replied. “I think I’m gonna train you to sleep walk. It’ll be easier on my back,” she teased.

After a while Jamie said slowly, “I’m afraid to go to sleep again. That nightmare really scared me.”

“C’mere,” her friend replied as she lay down and opened her arm in invitation. Jamie accepted the offer and cuddled up next to her warm side. Ryan wrapped her arm around Jamie’s back as she gently rubbed her side. She brought her other hand around to softly tousle her hair back and forth in a slow rhythm. Within a few minutes she could feel Jamie’s breathing even out and felt her relax in sleep. She followed her moments later.

***

Just as dawn broke Jamie woke, still nestled in Ryan’s powerful embrace. I don’t think there is anyplace safer, she thought happily, as she closed her eyes and let her friends steady heartbeat lull her back to sleep.

***

Later that morning as they drove back to Berkeley in the Boxster. Ryan hesitantly suggested that Jamie visit the student health service for a few sessions with a counselor.

“I don’t really want to talk about this to anyone, Ryan,” she said defiantly. “The sooner I can put this out of my head, the better.”

“I’m afraid that’s not how the mind works, Jamie,” she said after a moment. “If you don’t process this fully it will just stay in the back of your mind. And the chances are that it will come up again and again.”

“But it scares me to think about it,” she finally admitted.

“Of course it does,” she soothed. “But your mind will make you think about it either when you’re awake or asleep. I’ll make you a deal,” she offered. “I’m really upset about the whole thing too. I’ll go with you and maybe they’ll let us talk about it together.”

Jamie finally agreed, and promised to go over that afternoon.

***

As promised, Ryan showed up on time for their joint session with the counselor. The young Ph.D. candidate was a bit uncomfortable seeing them together, but she agreed to one session before she made a decision on further treatment.

As usual, Ryan was right. Jamie felt significantly better after just 45 minutes of facing her fears. She was surprised by how much the incident had affected Ryan, however. Ryan admitted to having had nightmares the night before, and she stated that she felt panic overtake her once or twice during the day. They both agreed to see the counselor for another session or two alone.

As they walked along the tree lined path outside of the student health center, Jamie looked up at her friend pensively. “What bothers you most about the attack, Ryan?”

She thought about the question for a long time, “I go over it in my mind, again and again. What really bothers me is that I didn’t have a plan for what to do if you had not passed out,” she shook her head to clear the image from her brain. “I was holding the baby and he had a knife to your neck. If you had been able to walk I’m afraid you would have been gone by the time I could do anything.” She looked at Jamie with the most pain filled eyes that Jamie had ever seen. “I don’t think I could have saved you,” she choked out as Jamie threw her arms around her and let her sob into her neck.

“But you did, Ryan, you did save me,” she murmured. “You would have thought of something. I know you would have. You would not have let him have me,” she whispered fiercely.

Ryan looked up with those beautiful blue eyes clouded by tears, “You really trust me, don’t you?”

“With my life,” Jamie uttered right into her ear as she once again held her close.

***

Jamie considered her decision not to tell Jack about the attack. I can try to convince myself that I did it to protect him from worry. But there is a part of me that wanted to see if he noticed that anything was wrong. How could he not have noticed? But Jack had not noticed. The first weekend after the attack she had cried inconsolably when he approached her from behind and put his hands on her. He was clearly puzzled but he did not pursue the issue after she told him not to worry about it.

As she drove back down to Palo Alto on the first Friday in February Jamie mused about the upcoming week. She and Ryan were due to meet with an assistant district attorney to go over their testimony regarding her assault and she was quite worried about the meeting since she was afraid that the meeting would rekindle her nightmares. Ryan reassured her that the dreams might come back, but they would be less severe and stay with her for a shorter time period. She stressed that the best thing they could do was continue to talk about the attack and all of their fears and projections.

Friday night went pretty well for a change. They had a pleasant if not earth shattering sexual encounter and she was almost successful in convincing herself that it was not harmful to have to picture Ryan sweating in the gym in order to become aroused. They’re fantasies because you don’t act them out, she patiently explained to her conscience.

Saturday was moving along as usual. Jack went to school to work with his law review partner while Jamie went on a long ride. He returned in time for lunch and actually helped Jamie clean up the kitchen as part of his new campaign to be more connected.

After they cleaned up they went out for a walk to the bookstore so he could pick up some notebooks. The day was warm and clear as they walked along holding hands. They decided to stop at Palo Alto Coffee Co. for a latte’ and sat outside watching the constant traffic on University Av. for a few minutes.

“You’re not moving around as easily as usual, Honey,” Jamie commented as she gently ran her fingers down his back. “Is your neck stiff?”

“Yeah, you know how it tightens up when I’m concentrating for too long. I wish I could remind myself to get up and move every half hour or so, but I just get too absorbed.”

She moved her chair over behind his and worked on his tense neck and shoulder muscles for a few minutes. His head was hanging loosely by the time she was finished and he let out a deep relaxed sigh as her fingers left his body. He turned his chair around to face her, moving as close as he could. Smiling gently he lifted his hand and tenderly traced the planes of her face. “It makes me feel so good to have you notice when a little something is wrong with me. It really shows me how much you love me,” he said softly, gazing steadily into her eyes.

“I do love you, Jack,” she whispered. Turning her head slightly she placed a kiss on his large warm palm. “Even when we’re fighting I still love you.”

He leaned over even closer and placed a gentle kiss on her lips. He kept his head right where it was, staring into her eyes for a few moments. She slid her arms around his neck as she felt her desire for him begin to stir. As she lifted her head his dropped a bit until their mouths met for several slow kisses. “Make love to me,” she asked softly as he began to pull away.

He didn’t reply with words but he quickly stood up and took her hand again. As they walked home she mused that even though she did not like the way she had been reaching orgasm she had to admit that those few little seconds of pleasure cut the tension dramatically between them. He was more playful and lighthearted and his playfulness made her feel more relaxed. When she was relaxed she was able to be more physically affectionate which led to better sex. It was all terribly interconnected, but she was glad for the increase in affection.

As soon as they got into the apartment he began to strip her clothing off. She realized that she would not make it through their lovemaking without a quick trip to the bathroom, so she pulled herself away with the admonition, “Don’t move a muscle. I’ll be right back.”

She thought she heard her cell phone ring but she assumed whoever it was would call back. But when she came back he was staring at her with an unreadable expression on his face. He held the phone out and said flatly, “It’s Assistant District Attorney Mendez.”

She felt all of the color drain from her face as she accepted the phone. It was obviously too late to try and hide the issue any longer, so she flopped down in the closest chair and dropped her head into her left hand as she answered the phone. “Hello,” she said weakly.

“Ms. Evans? Sorry to call you on Saturday but I’m just getting caught up on my paperwork. I need to reschedule our meeting for this week. Can you make it at 2 on Monday?”

“Yes, I can,” she replied, feeling drained and slow.

“Good. I can’t find the name of the other witness right now. What was it again?”

“O’Flaherty,” she said with resignation. “Ryan O’Flaherty.”

“Right…here it is. Can you let Mr. O’Flaherty know about the time change?”

“Ms. O’Flaherty. She’s a woman,” she corrected.

“Okay, sorry about that. See you on Monday.”

She switched off the phone and gently placed it on the table. But the silence in the room made the soft tap sound like a gunshot. “Jack, something happened that I didn’t tell you about. Please try not to get angry until I can explain,” she begged.

He was sitting on the couch with his legs splayed out, looking like she had punched him in the stomach. “What?” he asked with a voice filled with fatigue. “What now?”

“Ryan and I were in the park with her little cousin just after Thanksgiving. A man tried to abduct me,” she said as an involuntary shudder ran down her spine. “I assume he was going to rape me,” she continued, “but I passed out before he could get me to go with him of my own volition. Ryan stopped him, and now we need to go to court to testify.”

He blinked at her slowly, trying to take all of this information in. He said nothing, but his eyes relayed his fear.

“Nothing happened to either of us,” she said quickly. “Ryan knocked him out before he could do anything. I just got a few bruises from when he dropped me. But I didn’t tell you or anyone else because the whole thing just upset me too much. I saw a counselor at school and she helped me see that I did need to talk about it. I wanted to tell you but I knew you’d be mad and hurt that I hadn’t told you originally, so I just didn’t,” she admitted weakly.

He got up in total silence. He walked over to this books and calmly picked out two that he needed to study. Placing them in his book bag he slung it over his shoulder, letting out a tired sigh as the relatively light weight hit his strong back. Glancing around the room, he found his keys and his sunglasses and walked out of the room, closing the door behind him.

***

She spent the rest of the day and all of the evening in a state of panic. A heavy weight had settled in her stomach as she came to grips with the knowledge that she had probably torn the foundation of their trust from its moorings. He didn’t call and he did not wear a pager or a cell phone so she had no way to get in touch with him. At around 8 she got in her car and drove to the law library, but a thorough search of every cubicle failed to find him. The next hour was spent in a rather dazed inspection of every possible place that he could have hidden himself on the campus. Every library and every student lounge was thoroughly investigated. Next she got back in her car and parked on University, just outside the gates of the school. She walked from one end of the long street to the next, looking carefully in every restaurant and bookstore. But her hour long search proved fruitless. In fact, she preferred to walk around aimlessly to the terror she felt when she was alone in the apartment but after a while she had no more ideas so she returned to the apartment and flopped down on the couch. She fell asleep in the same position that she had collapsed in, exhausted and terribly depressed. Around midnight she woke with a start to the sound of his key in the lock. She dashed to the door before he was even in the room and tried to speak to him, but he brushed her aside as he placed his book bag on the floor and walked into the bathroom.

She was waiting right outside the door but again he walked past her like he didn’t know she was in the room. He stripped down to his boxers and got in bed, turning his back to the door as he turned off the bedside light. “Aren’t you even going to speak to me?” she asked, slightly dumbfounded.

Silence was his only reply. She considered getting in her car and going home, but she didn’t think it was wise to further escalate the issue. The sofa was big enough for her but she thought her physical closeness might thaw him out at some point. So she got ready for bed and slid in next to him, being careful not to touch him.

She lay awake for hours, going over the events that she had clearly set in motion. I’m so angry with myself for not telling him! How would I feel if he withheld something so big? I’d feel utterly betrayed. I just don’t know how he will ever be able to forgive me for this.

Some time during the early morning hours she drifted off into a fitful sleep. But every half hour she woke with the fear of the incident burning in her chest. Around 4 she woke and let out a startled gasp as she turned to find Jack’s intense gaze fixed upon her, the moonlight glinting off his steely blue eyes. “Did you ever love me?” he asked with a flat, emotionless voice.

“Of course I do,” she said quickly as she turned fully to face him. She lifted her hand to stroke his face but he caught it and held it tightly, actually causing her a slight bit of pain. “Please, Jack, please let me touch you. Let me hold you,” she begged.

He closed his eyes and let go of her hand. She took that as a sign of acceptance so she quickly moved closer and wrapped her arms around his body. She pulled him to her as tightly as she could and murmured into his ear, “I’m so sorry. I know I hurt you, and it’s all my fault. It’s all my fault, Jack. Please forgive me,” she pleaded.

The tears were streaming down her face as she began to kiss his rigid body. She started at his neck and breathed in his musky scent as she worked her way down to his collarbones. His scent became a vital need as her lungs filled with the fragrance and she sought to increase their capacity just to satiate her need. Licking and kissing down his body more for sustenance than to arouse she continued on her slow, torturous path. When she finally began to nibble around the waistband of his shorts she grasped them by the legs and pulled them half way from his body, then lifted them to slide over his erection.

She kissed and sucked her way down his belly and found to her amazement that she had an overpowering need to take him into her mouth. She was an inch from her goal when he pushed her onto her back and quickly entered her, completely without warning. The combination of her need and the fear of losing him combined with his raw aggression to make her more aroused than she had ever been. She moved with him, urging him on more vocally than she had ever done. Feeling no control whatsoever her climax washed over her like a tidal wave, washing some of the pain and dread from her soul. Her release pushed him over and he finished quickly, panting and sweating until he collapsed on her body.

But he was not satisfied. He started the same intense examination of her body. He kissed and sucked and bit his way from her face to her toes, needing the constant stimulus of her flesh vibrating against his mouth. She was fully ready for him when he climbed on top for another connection. Every muscle ached for rest but she managed to merge with him for another debilitating climax. He could not be satisfied for a long while, but he finally groaned out his release. He moved down a few inches as he withdrew and collapsed with his head against her breast. His weight was mostly on the bed, but even the small portion that rested on her was terribly heavy. But she would not, could not bear to move him. They fell asleep in that same awkward position, and remained nearly motionless until morning.

***

When they woke they struggled through an hour or so of embarrassed silence. But as the day went on things got more familiar and settled back into a relatively normal day. Before dinner he turned to her again, and while she knew the encounter would be painful she willingly gave herself to him, just trying to maintain their connection. She could not overcome the discomfort and she knew that he would not be satisfied unless she reached climax so for the first time in their relationship she successfully faked an orgasm. Her performance must have been Oscar caliber because it pushed him over immediately. He nuzzled against her breasts tenderly for a long while before he relaxed and fell asleep against her in much the same position as the night before.

***

The rest of the weekend passed quickly. He was never more than a few inches from her, and by the time she got back into her car she felt like she was breathing her own air for the first time in 24 hours. Well, we settled absolutely nothing, she mused. We never did talk about what happened or how I felt about it. I have no idea how it affected him. What if I had been raped? Would he still refuse to talk about it then? Is this really the way it will be for our entire relationship? Fight, have sex, fight, have sex…all the while ignoring the huge issues that are bearing down on us?

***

“Jamie?” the deep voice reverberated through the phone on Sunday night, just minutes after she arrived home.

“Hi, Daddy,” she said with a mental rolling of her eyes. She had conversed with her parents infrequently since their last argument and each of the conversations had been rather stilted, if not contentious. Her father had not again brought up his ridiculous idea about her moving back home, though, and for that she was grateful.

“Jamie,” he began again, clearing his throat, “I don’t like the distance that seems to have developed between us. What can I do to make things right?”

Wow! Someone noticed! “Well, um…first of all, I’m really glad that it’s important to you to stay close,” she said fondly. “That means a lot to me, Daddy.”

“Of course it’s important to me,” he insisted. “My relationship with you is the most important one in my life, Jamie. You mean the world to me, and I want you to know that I’ll do whatever I can to work on this. I mean…I know we’ve each said things that we regret and I want you to know that I’m sorry for upsetting you.”

“I’m sorry too, Daddy,” she murmured as her voice caught. “I don’t want you and mother to be angry with me, but I have to learn how to be my own person,” she said with conviction.

“I know dear,” he soothed. “That’s just part of growing up. We’ll try to be more supportive of your choices, honey. It’s just…well, I guess it’s just hard to have your baby become independent,” he admitted.

“Thanks, Daddy,” she said quietly. “Sometimes it’s hard for me too. But I guess growing up is never easy.”

“Well, another reason for my call is to discuss your official growing up,” he said with a small chuckle. “You know that you’re entitled to your first major distribution from the Smith trusts on your birthday. Have you given much thought to that?”

“Um…well, I knew it was happening, but I haven’t really spent much time thinking about it. What do I need to do?”

“There are hundreds of decisions to make, Jamie. We’re talking about a massive amount of money here,” he reminded her. “Do you want to keep the money managers I’ve hired? Do you want to sell off the securities and take a cash distribution or in kind? Who do you want to represent you?”

“Wait…wait,” she begged. “I don’t know what I want to do! Do I have to make all of these decisions immediately?”

“Well…yes,” he said slowly. “If you want the distribution, you need to be prepared to handle it, Dear.”

“What do you mean, ‘If I want it?’,” she asked slowly.

“The trust makes the first two distributions discretionary,” he said easily. “I thought you knew that.”

“Okay…back up a bit, Daddy,” she said in frustration. “Give me the whole story.”

He took in a deep breath and slowly let it out. “All right, Dear,” he soothed. “Here’s the story. The bulk of your inheritance will come from the Dunlops, and other than the discretionary income that has been used on your behalf you get nothing from that trust until you are 30. But the Smith money can be distributed in several ways. Your mother and I are the trustees for your funds and we can make 3 distributions to you–25% at age 21, 25% at age 25 and the remainder at 30. But the first two distributions are entirely at our discretion. If you don’t want the money or we don’t think you’re ready for it, we can wait. And as I’m sure you remember, the entire trust is due to be distributed when you marry.”

“Yeah, I do remember that,” she mused. “I guess I thought I would just take it all at once and Jack could help me figure out what to do with it.”

“There’s no reason we can’t do it that way, Jamie,” he assured her. “There are many, many decisions that you have to be prepared to make if you want the money now. If you don’t feel up to it, there’s no reason to force any more change upon yourself.”

“Maybe that would be best,” she mused.

“Are you happy with the way things are now?” he asked.

“Yeah…I guess I am,” she admitted.

“Then let’s hold off,” he suggested gently. “Or do you want to discuss this with Jack first?”

“No,” she said firmly. “This isn’t really Jack’s concern.”

“Well it will be, Honey,” he reminded her. “He’s going to be a very, very wealthy man when you marry.”

“No…” she explained with more patience than she felt. “He’s going to be married to a very wealthy woman…there’s a difference, Daddy.

Her father’s wry chuckle surprised her a bit, but when he said, “I’m well acquainted with the difference, Jamie,” she blushed at her unintentional gaffe.

“I’m…I’m sorry, Daddy, that came out all wrong.”

“No offense taken, Jamie,” he said easily. “You’re absolutely right, of course. And believe me when I tell you that it’s vital for you to work out an agreement about how you will handle your money before you marry. Otherwise it will be a constant source of contention.”

Oh boy! Another constant source of contention! Just what we need!

Chapter 13

Ryan had been pestering Jamie for a week trying to get her to decide what she wanted to do to celebrate her birthday. Since it fell on a Thursday she was not going to see Jack or her parents. Her parents had invited her down for a celebration on Saturday and Jack decided that they should celebrate both her birthday and Valentine’s Day since it fell on the following Sunday. Ryan found this arrangement more than odd, but she kept her comments to herself. The jerk lives 25 minutes from here! He can’t drag his ass up here for a couple of hours to celebrate her 21st birthday?! And who wants to lump their birthday in with Valentine’s Day? That is beyond cheap!!

On Wednesday Jamie finally decided that she wanted to go to a bar to have a legal drink. This was fine with Ryan but the next problem was finding an acceptable bar. “Where do you normally go?” Jamie inquired.

“I don’t go to a lot of bars to be honest,” Ryan said. “I don’t drink much and I’m not crazy about crowded places. But when I do go to one in the East Bay I usually choose a lesbian bar right on Telegraph. I don’t think that’s what you had in mind though. Maybe we should ask Mia, I’m sure she knows every hot spot in the Bay area.”

“I don’t really care about the atmosphere, Ryan. I just want to have a drink without fake I.D.s”

” Would you be comfortable in a lesbian bar?”

“Yeah I would if I was with you. Besides, we would be bothered less at a gay place.”

“Hey, speak for yourself,” she said haughtily as she ineffectively hid a grin.

“You know what I mean, silly. The men there won’t want us and you’ve said that women aren’t very aggressive, so I thought we would be left alone.”

“That’s probably true” she replied. “It’s fine with me if that’s what you want to do. How about dinner first?”

“Sure. You pick where we go. Why don’t you come over at 6 or so to pick me up?”

***

As promised Ryan showed up slightly before 6 o’clock. She was dressed in her black silk t-shirt and a new pair of black lightweight wool slacks with deep pleats. The pants were held up by a thin black belt and they draped attractively over her long legs. Her black leather jacket was draped casually over her shoulder. “We need to get going, Jamie. I made reservations for dinner at 6 sharp.”

“Reservations? We’re going somewhere that you need reservations?” she asked in surprise.

“It’s your birthday, knucklehead. I thought it would be nice to take you somewhere where the biggest question isn’t ‘You want fries with that?’ “

“You wait right here, I’m going to change,” she said as she looked down at her jeans and golf shirt. “I need to keep up with my escort. You look so..so..”

“Evil?” Ryan supplied helpfully, her face breaking into a crooked grin.

“No, I’d say you look sleek,” she decided.

“Sleek, I think I like that,” she mused.

***

5 minutes later Jamie came down the stairs in an outfit that clearly rivaled her escorts in terms of sleekness. She had changed into a little black crepe tube dress that followed every curve of her slim body. The little dress was covered by a supple black leather bolero jacket that gleamed dully in the light of the staircase. Small black flats finished the look. “I’ve decided that we should both be PIBS,” Jamie announced.

“PIBS?” Ryan inquired as she slowly walked around her friend, looking at her outfit with open appreciation.

“People In Black,” she replied. “It’s very L.A.”

“If this is how they look in L.A., I’m moving tomorrow,” Ryan said decisively.

“You are such a tease Ms. O’Flaherty,” she replied.

“Oh, I’m not teasing,” she said with mock sobriety. “You just look so…so….so…” Ryan fumbled.

“Sleek?” Jamie inquired.

“Yes, but more than that,” she pondered her image again. “Sophisticated, glamorous, sexy, somewhere in there,” she finally decided as she waved her hands in the air.

“That’s probably because my mother bought this for me. She forced me to attend an art exhibit down in SOMA and she insisted that all of my clothes were either too ‘mainstream’, or ‘juvenile’.”

“Well,” Ryan reflected, “I would agree that is one of the least juvenile outfits I have ever seen,” she said appreciatively.

As they left the house Ryan dashed ahead and opened her car door, waiting until Jamie was settled before she gently shut it. Jack could learn some manners from her, she thought. Ryan drove, of course, and they pulled up to the valet at ‘Chez Panisse’ at 6 sharp.

“Ryan, you are so sweet! I told you I liked this place months ago. It’s adorable that you remembered,” she enthused.

Ryan gave her a curious look as she replied, “If it’s important enough for you to tell me it’s important enough for me to remember.” As she held the door for her she related, “I couldn’t get reservations downstairs, but I thought we would be more comfortable upstairs anyway. It’s a lot more casual,” she said happily.

“I actually prefer the upstairs. It’s not filled with stuffy businessmen trying to impress clients. Normal people from the neighborhood eat upstairs,” she said knowledgeably.

Jamie ordered her favorite meal; a small steak with French fries. Ryan had rack of lamb with some delectable oil-roasted rosemary potatoes. She insisted on ordering a bottle of wine but made Jamie pick out the vintage since she was wholly ignorant on the subject. Jamie was just a bit disappointed that the server did not ask for her I.D., but she had to admit that she was glad that she looked over 21 tonight.

They had a thoroughly enjoyable dinner. Jamie was impressed that Ryan seemed very comfortable in this atmosphere even though she was certain that she did not dine out much. After they had savored cups of cappuccino and a delightful piece of chocolate silk cake they headed home. The bar was very close to her house so rather than trying to park they had planned on walking. After they had parked the car Ryan dashed out to her bike and removed something large that had been lashed to the seat. She carried the big box into the house with a wide grin on her face.

Jamie tried to wrestle the box from her hands but Ryan held it securely, finally holding it above the laughing woman’s head. “What makes you think this is for you anyway?” she teased.

“Because it’s my birthday and you are too sweet not to give me a present, even though you don’t need to,” she replied logically.

“Well, you’ve got me there. This is for you,” she said as she presented the box to Jamie with a flourish.

Jamie proceeded to rip off the wrapping paper and tear the heavy cardboard in a matter of seconds. She was delighted to pull out a brand new bright yellow motorcycle helmet. “Ryan this is so cool!” she said gleefully. “I absolutely love it!”

“I’ve been worried about you wearing my spare,” Ryan admitted. “My spare is fairly large so that anyone can wear it. But I wanted to get you one that would fit properly. Your head is mighty important to me, you know,” she said as she began to adjust the helmet properly. The fit was perfect and now Jamie wanted to take the bike to the bar. Ryan agreed conceptually, but she suggested that Jamie might want to change first. “Have you ever ridden a motorcycle in a short tight skirt?” she asked helpfully.

“Oh, good point,” she said with a little blush. “Should I change or should we drive my car?”

“I’m very content to have you remain in that outfit,” she said with an eyebrow waggle. “But you get to choose. It’s your birthday.”

“Can I drive?” she begged as her face scrunched into an adorable little pout.

Ryan pursed her lips as though deep in thought. But she quickly let her face slide into a grin as she admitted, “You know I’m powerless against that puppy dog face. Of course you can.”

“Be right back,” she said as she ran up the stairs to change.

***

In a surprisingly short time Jamie came trotting back downstairs, still looking lovely, but much more equipped to drive a motorcycle. The short black leather jacket remained but now it covered a white turtleneck. Neat black jeans topped shiny black boots, now firmly placing Jamie into the sleek category. “Do you often have to warn your dates not to wear skirts?” she teased as they made their way to the driveway.

“Well, no,” Ryan admitted with a leer. “I encourage my dates to wear short skirts.”

Jamie was concentrating on getting onto the bike and she hadn’t noticed Ryan’s leering grin. “Why would you…” she started to say but the obvious answer came to her quickly. “Ryan!” she cried as she slapped her friend in the stomach. “You are such a…”

“Letch?” she once again helpfully supplied.

“At least!” her giggling companion agreed.

***

Moments later they pulled up to a rare legal parking space near the bar. It was still early and there were not many people in the establishment. It was dark and smelled of smoke even with the ordinance that banned smoking in bars. Jamie figured that years of smoke smell had just permeated the walls.

“Well, well, well,” smiled the bartender. “The class factor in here just went up 100%,” she said as she shook Ryan’s hand. “Haven’t seen you for a while, Ryan. I would ask what you’ve been up to, but it’s pretty obvious,” she teased as she regarded Jamie with a long look.

“You are incorrigible, Sandy,” she grinned as she shook her head. “This is Jamie. Tonight is her 21st birthday, so treat her right.”

“You certainly look like you’re used to being treated right, Jamie,” she said as she leaned over the bar a bit and moved her head close. “I guarantee that I’ll continue that tradition,” she purred.

Jamie unconsciously moved closer to Ryan and meekly ordered a white wine spritzer. Ryan asked for the same, although without the wine. After Sandy had placed their drinks before them Jamie whispered with a laugh, “I thought you said women didn’t come on so strong.”

“Sandy would be the most surprised person in the world if anyone ever took her up on one of her propositions. She’s been in a committed relationship for years but she loves to joke around,” Ryan informed her.

They found two stools near the rear of the bar. The juke box was on and the volume was a little higher than Jamie would have preferred but they could hear each other if they leaned close. “So what do you think?” Ryan asked. “Is it what you expected?”

“Well,” she said as she looked around, “I have not been to a lot of neighborhood bars but from the few I’ve seen this one looks pretty typical. If you looked in quickly you wouldn’t notice it was a gay place at all. Are most gay bars like this?”

“No, this is more like your typical middle class lesbian place. Some of the weekend clubs are very glitzy and appeal more to the ‘lipstick lesbians’. I don’t know why, but I feel more comfortable here. There are tons of good looking women at the weekend places but they’re always really noisy. I think I just like the more laid back atmosphere of this place.”

“Why do you call them weekend places?”

“Some promoters have a traveling club that is only open 1 night a month or 1 night a week. You’ll see signs up advertising where the party will be. It’s a lot cheaper to just rent a place for 1 night. Then they don’t have the upkeep of keeping a place open on the slow nights.”

“But you don’t like them?”

“No, it’s not that. Sometimes they’re a lot of fun. But they’re real high energy and um…well, let’s just say that I wouldn’t take a date to one.”

“Why not?”

“It’s hard to um..well, I tend to um…”

“You get hit on a lot don’t you?” she said with a big grin.

Ryan’s chagrined look was a clearly affirmative answer. “There’s usually a lot of people that I know that go to those and it gets kind of embarrassing,” she admitted shyly.

“You can’t help it that you’re irresistible,” she teased.

“It’s hardly that, Jamie. I’ve just dated so darn many women that it seems like half of the city knows me when I go to one of those big parties.”

“Well, I think it’s because you’re so darned cute,” she said as she tweaked her nose. “I’ve got to use the rest room. Is it right there?” she asked as she pointed.

“Yep. It’s just behind that wall. I’ll keep your seat warm.”

There were about 5 women in line and she waited patiently while she watched a spirited game of pool. When she emerged from behind the partition she was surprised and a bit peeved to see someone on her stool. I don’t get any respect in this community, she thought crossly. Hitting on her when I go to the bathroom! Unacceptable !

She marched right over and slid in between Ryan and the stranger. Ryan’s legs were splayed wide apart and she nestled herself right between them as she leaned back against her. When she received a rather wide eyed look from the woman she smiled sweetly and said, “Hi, I’m Jamie, Ryan’s date. Who are you?”

“Just leaving,” she said quickly as she did just that.

Ryan’s head moved forward just a bit to rest on Jamie’s shoulder. Her deep chuckle rumbled across Jamie’s back as she said, “I guess I could take you to one of those weekend clubs. You’d just open a can of whupass on anyone who got near me.”

“It’s all about respect,” she said easily. “You’ve got to let them know they can’t mess with you.”

***

After Jamie had reclaimed her stool they sat and chatted amiably while they people watched. After a while Jamie ordered another drink which surprised Ryan a bit. “Are you sure you’re up to another?” she gently inquired.

“Yes, Mom. I may have just turned 21, but I’ve been drinking for years. I’ve spent a lot of time in Europe and wine is part of every dinner there.”

“I just want you to be careful. Alcohol will hit you harder because of your weight loss. You won’t be insulted if I drive home, will you?”

“Nope. I’m a big fan of the designated driver. But since you’re driving it won’t kill me to get buzzed on my birthday,” she said firmly.

***

Around 10 o’clock Jamie decided that she needed to dance. The small dance floor was nearly filled as she pulled Ryan to her feet and led her to a spot near the juke box. A current song that Jamie particularly liked was playing as they began to move to the beat. My God, I assumed that she could dance, but this is ridiculous! she thought as Ryan became one with the music. Every part of her body reflected the strong beat of the thrumming bass. She moved her hips and her shoulders in a teasingly seductive way that had every pair of eyes on her. I am sure she is not conscious of how sexy she is. Every woman in this bar wants her, she marveled. They continued to dance as 3 more good songs came on. Jamie was no slouch as a dancer herself and by the time they finished most of the women in the bar were deciding which one of them they would choose if given a chance.

The exertion of their dancing and the closeness of the room made Jamie feel a bit tipsier than she normally would after her two drinks. Ryan actually felt a little light headed herself, due to the lingering effects of the wine they had at dinner. They went back to the bar for a few minutes as Jamie signaled Sandy for another round. When her spritzer was delivered she drank it quickly, mostly to rehydrate. She knew she was getting buzzed but she was having such a good time that she just let herself go for a change. She ignored her inner voice that normally kept a tight watch on her actions and her emotions. She just let herself have fun.

It was too loud to talk so they just sat back on their stools and watched people dance for a few minutes. After a while Jamie felt cool again and as soon as another favorite came on she rose and took Ryan’s hand. The song was very slow and sensual and Ryan cocked her head as she gazed down at her. She leaned over a little and asked, “Are you sure?” Jamie’s answer was to guide her to the dance floor without a word. As she slipped her arms around Ryan’s waist she felt her partner’s strong arms slide around behind her shoulders and drape loosely behind her neck.

As they moved to the slow, insistent beat of the music Jamie drew imperceptibly closer to her friend. There was still a respectable distance between them but she could occasionally feel Ryan’s thigh brush against hers. A warm tingle passed down her body when Ryan’s breasts touched hers slightly. They continued this soft and gentle connection when the song changed and another soft melody began.

There may have been other people on the dance floor, but only one person existed for Jamie at that moment. The connection between them was both soothing and electric. Each small touch, each warm breath that passed by her ear made her feel more and more deeply bonded. The next song was considerably faster but neither woman made a move to break the connection. They continued to hold one another as they moved at half time to the quick beat.

When the next song began Jamie found herself drawn inexorably closer to Ryan’s body. The slow love song thrummed in the background but Jamie felt so connected that she swore they were moving to the merged beat of their hearts. The song was over much too soon and as it wound down they stood back slightly with their arms still gently holding each other and silently regarded each other for a few long moments. Ryan leaned down just slightly to speak but Jamie misinterpreted her movement. She slowly closed her eyes as she slid her hands up the powerful back to rest behind her neck. She placed her lips softly on Ryan’s and let the warmth just wash over her like a warm summer rain shower. The kiss was gentle and tender and relatively chaste. But it lasted considerably longer than she had intended. Ryan didn’t make any move to separate so Jamie eventually pulled back. But Ryan’s crystal blue eyes locked onto hers, freezing her in place for a moment. There was a hint of a question in those deep blue eyes, but Jamie simply wrapped her arms around her neck and held her in a tender embrace for a few seconds. Ryan returned the affection and when they broke apart Jamie found that she held Ryan’s hand in hers.

The clear blue eyes had gentled as Ryan looked down at her and asked, “Are you ready to leave? It’s getting a little late.” As her face broke into a sweet smile she added, “And I think we’re both a little drunk.”

Jamie returned the smile and acknowledged the truth of both statements. “Yes, we probably should go,” she said as she leaned against her for another full body hug. “It’s nearly midnight, so my special day’s almost over.”

“That’s where you’re wrong,” Ryan said as she slid her arm around Jamie’s waist. “The day doesn’t make you special. It’s the other way around.”

Jamie dropped her head against Ryan’s shoulder as she mused, How does she do that? She just makes me feel so precious.

When they emerged from the bar they followed their previous agreement to have Ryan drive. It was just a few short blocks to the house but as Jamie hopped off the skies opened up as a heavy rain began to pelt them. They both made a mad dash for the door, making the front porch relatively unscathed. Both Cassie and Mia were obviously at home, but the house was quiet. Jamie beckoned Ryan to follow her into the kitchen where they could speak normally without waking anyone.

“I don’t want you to ride home in this weather, Ryan,” she said.

“This is one of those nights I told you about,” Ryan admitted. “You know, 50 degrees and raining like heck.”

“Take my car home tonight. You can return it tomorrow,” she offered.

“I don’t really feel comfortable driving your car alone, especially in the rain,” Ryan demurred. “I’m not on the title or the registration, and my motorcycle insurance wouldn’t cover me if I wrecked it. I’m a careful driver, but not everyone else is. I don’t want you to have to explain an accident to your father,” she stated firmly.

“Then call home and tell them you’re staying here,” she insisted. “I won’t be able to sleep if you drive home in this.”

“Okay, you win,” Ryan finally agreed. “I can ride in the rain, but it isn’t the safest thing to do.” She looked a bit shy as she asked, “Where should I sleep?”

“It looks like everyone is home, so you’re stuck with me,” she said with a crooked grin. “Unless you want to sneak into Cassie’s room and make a woman out of her,” she teased.

“I think that is beyond even my many skills,” she replied with a return grin.

***

Jamie took her clothes into the bathroom to change as Ryan called home to tell her father she was taking refuge from the rain. A few minutes later Jamie emerged in glen plaid flannel pajamas, with her face scrubbed and her teeth brushed. She offered Ryan a new toothbrush and showed her where the clean towels were. Finally she asked, “What do you normally sleep in?”

“Um, my normal outfit is a little casual for a sleep over,” she admitted shyly.

“It’s okay if you like to sleep in your underwear,” Jamie reassured her. “Your underwear covers a lot more than mine does.”

“My normal attire is quite a bit more casual than that,” she said with a blush.

“Ooooh,” Jamie replied. “That would be a touch casual. I’ll find something for you.” Jamie rummaged through her dresser finally coming up with an old pair of sweats and a t-shirt that Jack had left with her during the summer. “He’s a little taller than you are but these should fit,” she said as she handed the bundle to her friend.

Ryan followed Jamie’s lead and went into the bathroom to change. As she brushed her teeth she reflected on the events of the evening. God, I don’t know what happened at the bar, but it felt all together too good. I know the alcohol got to her a little bit, but there was more to it than that. I know she feels close to me but I have to keep my head. The last thing she needs is to make her life more complicated right now. When she kissed me I didn’t want to encourage her but I also didn’t want to hurt her feelings by pulling away. I’m not sure I did the right thing but honestly it just felt too good to stop it. Boy, this is one of those days that it’s a real bitch to have morals, she mused.

As she slipped into Jack’s clothes she thought, I don’t know if it’s a good idea to sleep in her bed tonight. I wish there was another place to crash but it would really be insulting to curl up on that little loveseat when she has a king sized bed. I just have to remind myself that she’s a wonderful, attractive, sexy straight woman, who’s engaged to be married.

After a few minutes she emerged with her hair in a simple braid and Jack’s clothes covering her body. Jamie marveled at her appearance for a moment, “You and Jack could not look more different, but those are exactly your size,” she said.

“Yeah, we just fill them out in different places,” she grinned.

I’ll say, thought Jamie silently. She climbed into bed and turned the covers down for both of them.

Ryan looked at the bed and hesitated. After Jamie was settled she attempted to pull the covers back up on her side and lie down on top of them. “What are you doing?” asked Jamie with a confused look on her face.

“I just thought I should sleep outside the covers,” she said shyly.

“Afraid I’ll bite?” Jamie replied a bit cross at the insinuation.

“No, not at all,” she replied although that was exactly what she was afraid of. “I just don’t want to put you in a bad position. I know Jack isn’t wild about me, and I don’t want you to have to explain anything that might make him mad.”

“It’ll make me mad if I’m trapped by these covers all night,” she said. “Get in here,” she ordered.

Ryan complied despite her reservations. “I do kind of hate to sleep on top,” she admitted. “It’s lots cozier inside.”

They kept a respectful distance as they shifted and adjusted their positions for a few moments. As they both settled down Ryan quietly said, “Happy birthday, Jamie.”

Jamie smiled at her friend in the dark and replied, “You made it happy, Ryan. Thank you.”

***

Several hours later a loud clap of thunder woke Jamie from a deep sleep. She had been having a vaguely arousing dream and as she struggled into consciousness she realized with alarm why the dream had seemed so real. She was plastered up next to Ryan, touching her with her body from her shoulders all the way down to her feet. Her right hand was slowly tracing gentle patterns on her friend, starting at her waist and traveling down her hip to the inside of her thigh. She nearly gasped in shock at what she had been doing, but when she pulled the offending appendage away she heard Ryan softly mumble, “Please…please don’t stop.”

Jamie felt as though she was in a trance as she felt Ryan’s strong hand grasp hers and place it on her breast. She felt those sensuous hips move against her as they began a slow, steady beat. She was not sure what propelled her to respond, but she did so enthusiastically. Her hand touched, and rubbed and teased both of those perfect breasts until Ryan’s hips began to grind into her lap insistently.

Suddenly, she felt herself being rolled onto her back. Ryan appeared on top of her, bracing her body with her forearms, blue eyes dark with desire. She dipped her head and stared intently for a moment, gauging Jamie’s receptivity. The vivid green eyes that gazed up at her unblinkingly were a clear signal so she locked her warm mouth onto Jamie’s waiting lips. The smaller woman felt her mouth open just a bit and seconds later that warm, wet tongue slid in.

Jamie felt her head begin to spin as the sensations became overpowering. Ryan’s tongue moved slowly in her mouth as her own tongue joined in the sensual dance. Jamie felt her body respond in a way that she had never imagined possible. She felt a depth of connection with this woman that felt bone deep.

Ryan lowered her torso onto Jamie’s and began to move slowly against her body. Every part of Jamie’s body was rubbed softly by its counterpart. Breasts glided against breasts, firm bellies and strong thighs slid sensually against each other. Every nerve ending tingled in anticipation. As the touch became overwhelming Jamie growled as she wrapped Ryan in her arms and rolled her onto her back. She felt Ryan’s legs open in invitation and she slid in between them, settling her hips in the warm furrow. Those long strong thighs wrapped around her hips as she pressed herself against the apex of Ryan’s desire. The heat radiated from her as Jamie groaned into her mouth, claiming her with her lips again and again.

Ryan’s hands slid under her top and moved slowly up her sides until they found their target. Soft, warm fingers teased the taut nipples as Jamie felt the contact deep in her groin. She moaned again and again as those fingers continued to torment her aching breasts. She reached down and grabbed the hem of her top, pulling it over her head in one swift move as she pulled herself up towards that inviting mouth. Ryan did not relinquish the firm hold that her thighs had claimed as she moved as one with her.

Jamie lowered herself over Ryan’s mouth and let out a low growl as that warm mouth captured a throbbing breast. She raised and lowered herself repeatedly as each breast was loved in turn. Ryan’s hips were nearly off the bed as she clung desperately to her.

Jamie felt herself nearing climax as Ryan bit down on a tender breast. She threw her head back and felt herself release as wave after wave of sensation coursed down her body. She was unable to support herself on her shaking arms and she felt herself collapse onto Ryan’s powerful chest.

***

A loud thunderclap rumbled through the house. Jamie sat bolt upright in bed and whipped her head around trying to make sense of where she was. She focused her senses and found that she was fully clothed. She looked to her left and found a peacefully sleeping Ryan. Oh my God, was that a dream?!

She lay back down and let the dream wash over her again. I have never felt anything so real! Touching her and being touched felt so completely erotic. I don’t think I’ve ever been that aroused.

Thoughts and sensations fought for space in her overtaxed brain. Why did I dream about Ryan like that? Is it just because I’m a little high and she’s lying so close to me? I mean every woman at that bar wanted her. If I’m going to fantasize about a woman why not choose Ryan?

I’d give anything to be able to respond to Jack like that. Why can’t I just accept what he’s able to give me and get on with my life? It’s not like there’s anything wrong with him. He’s really a lovely man. I just wish he could excite me half as much as I was in that dream.

***

The alarm sounded at 6:30 a.m. Jamie stuck an arm out of the covers and slapped it with her hand. She groaned as she opened her eyes and saw the time. She turned and saw Ryan gazing over at her with a big smile on her alert face. “You’re not a morning person, are you?” she observed happily.

Jamie merely responded by covering her head with the pillow. She felt Ryan hop out of bed and found herself falling back to sleep when she heard the shower running. When Ryan was finished in the bathroom she came over and perched on the side of the bed. She was wrapped in a huge bath sheet and she debated whether to put her nice clothes back on or try to get away with wearing Jacks sweats. While she debated her wardrobe choices she decided to wake Jamie. She looked down at her friend, so peaceful and serene in sleep. She contemplated a gentle way to wake her; finally letting her evil side win. She threw the covers back as she climbed onto the bed and began to tickle her mercilessly. Jamie giggled and thrashed about on the bed as Ryan refused to let her go. There was a very brief knock on the door that occurred almost simultaneously to it being thrown open.

Cassie opened the door a bit and stuck her head in. Ryan was mostly covered by the bath sheet but she was straddling a wildly twitching Jamie. Their hands were locked together as they fought but the open door caused them both to freeze in place. Both women caught the expression on Cassie’s face that was a mixture of glee and revulsion. “Jack’s on the phone,” she said as she ignored Ryan’s presence and their very compromised position. “He said he called you yesterday to wish you a happy birthday, but you were obviously…out. Do you want to speak to him…or are you too… busy?” she said innocently.

“Of course I’ll speak to him. Just give me a second,” she said as she hopped up and dashed to the bathroom.

***

Cassie went back downstairs and was speaking with Jack when Jamie picked up the upstairs extension. “You can hang up now, Cassie. I’ve got it.” Cassie signed off and Jamie greeted him. “Hi honey, thanks for calling. Sorry I missed you last night.”

“Isn’t it a little early to have visitors, Jamie?” he inquired softly.

She sighed deeply as her hopes were dashed that Cassie had been discrete. “Do you want me to answer that or was that a rhetorical question, Jack?”

“I suppose it might as well be rhetorical. I don’t feel that I ever get the whole truth out of you anymore,” he replied.

“If you want to know why Ryan is here you can ask me. I don’t lie to you Jack, and if you don’t know that we’ve really got problems.”

“I’m not sure that I do know that, but I would agree that we most definitely do have problems. I hope you had a nice birthday, Jamie. I’ll see you tonight if you’re still planning on coming down.” He hung up before she could form a reply.

***

This is a big deal, Jamie. You can’t continue to ignore the fact that Cassie is making him nuts about this. Look at it from his perspective…to him, Ryan is the same as a guy. All he knows is that you were in bed with someone who he believes is sexually interested in you. Cassie probably made it sound even worse than it was…which wouldn’t actually be hard to do, she admitted.

But even though she knew that the last two weeks had been very damaging to her relationship, and that she should be concentrating on that, she could not help thinking about Ryan. I cannot believe that I kissed her like that! God, I can’t believe how incredibly soft her lips were. So much different than kissing a man. It was just like melting into the softest thing I can imagine. And what in the hell must she have been thinking? She wasn’t as buzzed as I was, and she’s always in such control. Did she enjoy it too? I know I should bring it up or apologize or something, but I don’t think I can.

Her stomach was in such turmoil that she was only able to get down a diet 7-up for breakfast. Ryan bought her story about being a bit hung over so she didn’t give her too hard of a time about not eating. Now lunch was coming up but there was no way she could even think of eating.

I’ve got to talk to Jack. Obviously I can’t concentrate today anyway; maybe I’ll drive down to Stanford and look for him. What the hell. I’ll take my bike and ride around campus for a couple of hours to get rid of some of this stress.

An hour later she was furiously pedaling around the campus. She knew he had a long class on Friday afternoon, but she seemed to remember that it was over at 3. I think that’s his last class of the day so I should be able to find him.

At 2:45 she was riding up and down the street where most of the law buildings were housed. Oh, there’s his law review partner. She’ll know where he is. “Hey, Natalie!” she called out.

“Oh, hi Jamie,” she replied with less warmth that she usually exhibited. “Looking for Jack?”

“Yeah. Do you know where he is?”

“He’s just getting out of his ‘Secured Transactions’ class. I’m supposed to meet him here to go over some things. But…um…I’ll just go to the law review office. Ask him to come over there when you’re done talking.” She looked a little uncomfortable as she added, “Good luck.”

A few minutes later he came around the corner with a neutral expression on his face. But the moment he saw Jamie his eyes narrowed and his entire demeanor became rigid. “I saw Natalie and asked her if I could talk to you for a few minutes before you get together. She said she’ll meet you in the law review office. Can we please go somewhere quiet for a little while?”

“Sure. Let’s go over to one of those benches,” he said, pointing to a quiet picnic bench in a grove of pine trees.

She walked her bike as he walked beside her in silence. She climbed up to sit on the table and he sat on the bench so that her head was a little higher than his. “Will you talk to me about how you’re feeling?” she asked gently.

He stared straight ahead for a few moments until he finally said, “I’m confused, Jamie. I’m more confused than I’ve ever been. Were things really so bad for you before? I really thought we were happy, but maybe I was deluding myself.”

“No, Jack, that’s not true. I was happy before, we were happy before. And we still have really good times together. I know this is a hard period of adjustment for both of us, but I promise it can be even better when we get through it. I know it seems like I’ve changed an awful lot, but deep down inside I don’t think I’ve changed at all. I think I was just afraid to let my real self out before. I was trying to be the woman that my father and mother wanted me to be. Then I wanted to be the woman you wanted. Now I’m just trying to be who I am. I know it’s difficult but I think I’m getting to the real me. And in the long run I think that’s the only way you and I can be happy together. We both have to have the freedom to be ourselves.”

“I’m not really sure what you mean by freedom,” he said slowly. “Have I been stopping you from doing what you want?”

“No, not really,” she admitted. “But you’re not always as supportive as I would like. The AIDS ride is really important to me, and you just don’t seem to have any interest in how my training is going. And you don’t seem interested in my schoolwork. You used to ask me questions about my classes, but you don’t anymore.”

He looked down at the ground for a few moments as he pondered this. “You’re right. I haven’t been supportive. It’s just that since Ryan is so intrinsically involved in the ride I try to steer clear of the topic. I don’t think we’ve ever discussed her without a fight, so I guess I do avoid asking you about it just to keep the peace.”

“But we can’t live like that, Jack. You have to be able to tell me when things bother you, it doesn’t help to avoid topics.”

He looked at her for a moment and nodded his head slowly. “Okay, Jamie, I think that Ryan’s continued influence is harming our relationship. I would feel much better and more secure if you would stop seeing her.”

She took in a deep breath before she replied. “That’s not talking about your feelings, Jack. That’s just telling me what to do,” she explained. “I want you to talk about how my friendship with Ryan affects you. But I can’t stop seeing her just because it bothers you. What if it bothered you that I was in college? Should I drop out?”

“If you chose to go to college in New Zealand or Japan, and we could never see each other, and I couldn’t afford to talk to you on the phone? Yes, you should drop out if it was harming our relationship. I’m not asking you to get my approval over all of your friends. I’m just telling you that this particular friend is a real threat.”

“But she’s not, Jack! That’s the point. She’s only harming our relationship because you perceive that she does.” She reached down and rested her hand on his shoulder as she looked into his eyes. “This is just the type of issue that we’re going to have again and again in our relationship. There are going to be choices we make that the other is not going to be happy with. But this is me. I have needs just like you do. And one of my primary needs is for the freedom to chose my friends and my activities.”

He looked up at her in reflective silence for a few minutes. He gazed at her face carefully, starting with her eyes. She felt like she was on display but she allowed the discomfort since he seemed to need to do this. “Okay,” he finally said. “I think I’m finally starting to understand. This isn’t just some temporary thing. You are just showing me for the first time who you really are. And it seems that one of the things that’s most different is your independence. You want to be able to make your own decisions without regard for how it affects me or your parents. Right?”

“Well, I wouldn’t say without regard, but that’s essentially correct. I need to do the things that are important to me even if the people that I love aren’t that crazy about them.”

“Like when you told Stephanie that you weren’t going to have children for several years,” he said by way of another example.

“Exactly,” she said, happy that he was finally beginning to understand. “I know that’s something that we haven’t really talked about but I want to go to grad school, or spend a few years writing. I don’t think I’ll be ready to have kids for at least 5 years.”

“I see,” he said rather neutrally. “Well, it is your body, so I guess the decision rests with you.”

“Well, no, not completely, Jack. Your opinion matters too. Either of us has veto power over something like that. We both have to say yes at the same time. I wouldn’t get pregnant if you didn’t think you were ready yet,” she explained.

“Okay,” he said. “I think I understand. I need to go see Natalie now, so…”

“Are we okay?” she asked tentatively.

“I’m glad you came down, Jamie. I appreciate that you went out of your way to clear some things up,” he said as he reached up to kiss her lightly. “I’ll see you later,” he said as he got up and strode away.

Did that go well? she wondered. He seemed so flat, but he did sound like he finally understood my point. I guess time will tell.

***

When he arrived home they discussed neither Jamie’s birthday nor their subsequent fight. As usual, we ignore the things that cause the most strain in our relationship. It amazes me that he still hasn’t asked why she was in my bed. If another man slept with him I’d like to know why! They spent their evening as they usually did. Jamie made dinner and later watched a movie while Jack read. When they went to bed he made love to her, but she could tell that he was not very emotionally connected. Normally he spent a lot of time looking into her eyes while they made love. But this time he broke off eye contact just a few moments after he entered her. He buried his head in her shoulder and just pumped away, almost like he was forcing himself to finish. She did not have an orgasm and for the first time that she could remember he was not concerned about that fact. When he was finished he merely kissed her on the cheek and wrapped his arms around her. He was asleep in moments but she was awake for hours, feeling partially aroused and rather lonely even in his embrace.

***

On Saturday night they went to her parents home together. Jack looked very handsome in a navy blue double breasted blazer over a white long sleeved golf shirt. Gray flannel pleated slacks finished his look. Jamie was dressed in a short, sleek dress of nubby silk in a deep burnt umber. The deep earth color complimented her golden hair and showed off the tan she had obtained from her frequent bike rides.

Catherine greeted them at the door. She was obviously over her pique at Jamie as she kissed her cheek and gave her a firm hug. Jim came down the stairs moments later, giving Jamie a hug and a kiss as well.

They chatted about law review and Jack’s recently completed finals. Jim was working on a case that had been in the news and he and Jack discussed it in detail. After a while Catherine asked what Jamie had done on her actual birthday. She casually replied that she had gone out for a drink with friends, noticing Jack’s discomfort at the topic. She did not elaborate and they did not pursue the topic.

After a delicious dinner, Catherine brought out several small boxes as Marta presented a lovely white cake with coconut frosting, Jamie’s favorite. Her mother had purchased a lovely pair of emerald earrings, the stones fashioned in a brilliant cut, nestled in simple gold collars. The earrings were lovely and they looked fantastic when Jamie put them on.

Her father gave her the thinnest watch that she had ever seen. Its solid gold case was no more than 1/8 inch. It was waterproof and shock resistant which made her happy as she thought about wearing it while working out and riding. It had a woven gold bracelet that hung a little loosely on her small wrist. Engraved on the back was ‘Happy 21st, Love, Daddy’.

Jamie was terribly pleased with the gifts and she thanked both of her parents profusely. They told her of their travails and different choices available to them in deciding on the gifts. After a little while Catherine handed Jamie an envelope. Inside was a first class ticket to Florence via Air Italia. “I want to take you to a wonderful new exhibit at the Ufizzi,” Catherine said with excitement in her voice. “I’ve seen so little of you this year I thought it would be a great way to reconnect a little bit.”

Jamie’s pleasure turned to dismay when she noted the departure and return dates. “Oh Mother, this is so thoughtful, but I’m not free during these weeks,” she lamented.

“Of course you can be free Jamie. School will be out by then, I checked myself.”

“Mother, I told you about the bike ride I’m participating in,” she explained. “My ride is right in the middle of this trip.”

“Jamie, I thought I made it clear that I didn’t want you to do that ride,” Catherine said slowly.

At this point Jim interrupted. “I don’t know anything about a bike ride,” he said with a confused look on his face.

“As I told Mother I committed to riding in the California AIDS ride this year, Daddy. It begins on June 6th and ends on the 12th.”

“Where are you riding to, New York?” he asked in surprise.

“No, silly, it’s from San Francisco to Los Angeles. This year almost 3000 people are going to participate,” she explained.

Catherine interrupted, “Jim have you ever heard of anything more dangerous or fool hearty? You know what Highway 1 is like. I’m afraid she’ll be killed!”

Jim regarded his daughter for a long while. He cast a glance at Jack who seemed to be studying the pattern of the Oriental rug. “Is this something you are preparing for properly, Jamie?” he asked slowly.

“Yes, Daddy. I bought the right kind of bike, I’ve been working out in a gym with a trainer and I’m riding about 100 miles a week now,” she stated confidently.

“What do you think of this, Jack?” he asked.

“Jamie makes her own decisions, Jim,” he said without much enthusiasm.

“Catherine, I think that Jamie is old enough now that she can make her own decisions in matters such as these. I trust her judgment and this seems like a good character building experience.” He smiled at his now grinning daughter, “How does this benefit people with AIDS?”

“Every rider pledges to raise at least $2500. The money I raise will go to the San Francisco AIDS Foundation. People who live in Southern California donate their pledges to the Los Angeles Gay and Lesbian Community Center. Both of those groups give direct care to people living with AIDS,” she said knowledgeably.

“Catherine, I think you should allow Jamie to decide if she wants to go to Europe with you this summer. If she chooses not to go, perhaps she can turn that ticket in and donate the money to her ride,” he said with twinkling eyes.

Jamie jumped off her chair and trotted over to her father. She wrapped her arms around his neck and whispered into his ear, “I knew you would understand. Thank you, Daddy.”

As she pulled back he laid his hand on her cheek and smiled up at her with admiration. “I’m proud of you, Cupcake,” he said as he used a favorite childhood nickname. He turned to Jack and beamed, “This one has a ton of determination, doesn’t she Jack?”

“Yes Sir, she certainly does,” he replied somewhat stiffly.

Catherine finally relented and agreed that Jamie could use the ticket however she chose. She was firm in her resolve to worry as much as she wanted, however. “I still think of you as my little girl, Jamie. I’m having a hard time letting go, I guess.”

Jamie walked over to her mother and kissed her cheek. “I don’t want you to let me go completely,” she smiled. “Just let me make my own decisions.”

“It is so hard for me to believe that you’ll be married in a little over a year. But I suppose you can decide to ride a bike if you can decide to get married,” Catherine laughed.

Jack had been nearly silent during this whole interchange. He finally spoke up to tell Jamie that he had a present for her back at his apartment. She found that a bit odd, but happily nodded her assent.

***

At around 10 o’clock the young couple was on their way back to Palo Alto. Jack was silent on the ride home. Jamie noticed that he looked very tired and that his movements were not as smooth and graceful as usual.

When they arrived at the apartment Jamie was surprised that Jack did not immediately change into his sleepwear. He sat down on the couch and looked at her with a blank expression on his face. She was very uncomfortable with his attitude and she sat next to him on the couch as she took his limp hand in hers. “Honey, are you all right?” she asked hesitantly.

In a flat voice, he responded “Don’t you want your gift?”

“Um, sure, if you want to give it to me,” she said unsteadily as her heart started to pound strongly in her chest.

“I’m giving you what you most want, Jamie. I’m giving you your freedom,” he said as he stared at her with emotionless blue eyes.

“H…h…how are you giving me freedom,” she replied, already knowing the answer.

“I’m giving you the freedom to live your life exactly as you wish. You no longer have to answer to me. You no longer have to be concerned with my feelings. You are officially a free woman, Jamie. Congratulations.”

“Jack, please don’t do this,” she begged on a quavering voice. “It doesn’t have to be like this, sweetheart.”

“Yes it does, Jamie. I just don’t feel the way I used to feel about you. You’ve become a different person.” He slowly looked at her right in her sea green eyes as he delivered the knock out punch, enunciating clearly. “I don’t like that person.”

Jamie rose on shaking legs to stare at him as she backed away from the couch. “Is there anything I can do to make you change your mind?” she finally choked out.

“No, Jamie. I realized last night when we had sex that I’m just not in love with you any more,” he said, rather flatly.

She could feel her ire rise as her eye narrowed dangerously. “Did you realize that before, during or after we had sex, Jack?” she spat out in anger.

“During,” he said through gritted teeth. “I tried to connect with you, Jamie. But as usual you looked like you would just as soon have been riding your bike as making love.”

Jamie used every bit of control that she had left in her shaking body to refrain from hurling an insult back at him. She knew from the look in his eyes that his love for her was gone. She felt her control start to take over as she slowly, sadly, and thoughtfully removed his grandmothers’ engagement ring from her left hand and handed it to him. “You’re right, Jack” she said slowly, “You do deserve someone who can please you. I’m just sorry that it couldn’t be me.” With that she turned and went to the bedroom to pack her bag.

When she returned to the living room he was sitting right where she had left him with silent tears running down his cheeks. His eyes stared at the floor, unfocused. She stood by the couch and looked down on his face, as she touched his cheek with her palm. After a moment she leaned over and kissed him one last time, whispering as she rose, “I’m sorry, Jack. I’m truly sorry.”

***

She didn’t want to do it, she really didn’t. But she just had no other option. It was nearly midnight but it was Saturday night and there was a good chance that she was still out. But she just had to call her. She dialed the pager number from memory.

Minutes later the smooth deep voice came through the little phone, “What’s wrong?” more of a statement than a question.

“Are you busy right now?” was the hesitant reply.

“No, I’m just trying to get to sleep after a very frustrating evening with Tracy,” Ryan replied.

“Did you have a fight?” was Jamie’s concerned response.

“Not that kind of frustrating,” Ryan’s voice rumbled out a full octave lower.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I … I … I didn’t mean to disturb you,” Jamie muttered.

“Jamie, I’m teasing you. Now please tell me what’s wrong,” she said, the concern evident in her voice.

“Jack just…broke up with me,” she sobbed in reply.

“Oh God, Jamie, I’m so sorry to hear that,” she soothed. “Where are you?”

“I’m in Palo Alto, sitting in my car,” she sobbed.

“Jamie, it’s not a good idea to drive when you’re upset. I can come get you wherever you are.”

“No, I can drive,” she said as she continued to sob. “It just hurts so much,” she wailed as she had to pull over to the curb. She was overcome by wracking, deep sobs that felt like they were being pulled from her body. She continued to cry without a pause for several minutes. Ryan was very concerned since she didn’t really know where she was. She couldn’t hear much background noise so she was obviously not on the freeway, but she really wanted to go get her.

“Jamie, Jamie,” she said loudly. “Where are you?”

“I’m just about to get on the freeway,” she said weakly.

“I’m going to come get you,” Ryan said firmly. “I don’t want you to drive in this condition.”

“I’ll be okay. I don’t want to just sit here and wait for you.”

“Could you go to your parents?”

“No, that’s the last place I want to be tonight. I just want to go home,” she said as the sobs began again.

“Please let me come get you,” Ryan begged. “I’ll be crazy with worry if you drive home.”

“How about if I drive but stay on the phone. Would you feel better then?”

“Call me back in 5 minutes. I want to get dressed in case you can’t make it,” she said as she switched off. Damn him, damn him to hell! He breaks up with her at midnight and then lets her get into her car and drive all the way home!

Ryan was sitting on the front stairs of her house in navy blue sweats and a long sleeved red t-shirt when Jamie pulled up 30 minutes later. She was exhausted emotionally from trying to keep her friend focused on the long drive, and her constant pacing made her feel like she had made the trip by foot. She approached the car as Jamie killed the engine and squatted down by the driver’s door as she opened it. “You can stay here tonight or I’ll drive you home. I want you to think about where you’d feel more comfortable,” she said soothingly.

“Can I stay here with you?” she uttered through her tears.

“Absolutely,” Ryan replied firmly. “For as long as you like.” She stood and offered her hand to Jamie. When her friend was firmly on her feet Ryan slipped her arms around her and hugged her close. They stood like that on the street for many long minutes. Finally, Ryan pulled back and guided the distraught woman up the stairs.

Ryan was the only one home. She led Jamie into the kitchen to make her one of her famous hot cocoa drinks. As the milk was heating up Ryan asked her if she had any other clothes. Jamie nodded silently and started toward the door to get her bag. Ryan pulled her back onto a stool and instructed her to watch the milk. She trotted out to the car to retrieve the small suitcase and was back in the house before the milk began to boil.

Jamie went downstairs to change into her pajamas while Ryan finished the drinks. She carried two big mugs with her as she settled herself on the bed. Minutes later Jamie emerged from the bathroom still in her dress, crying inconsolably. “I only have one of Jack’s tshirts, ” she held up the light blue garment. “I can’t bear to smell him,” she sobbed violently as she bent over, wrapping her arms around her stomach.

Ryan had learned this early warning signal and she jumped up to steady her friend. “Are you going to be sick?” she asked soothingly.

A silent bobbing head was her answer. She came up behind Jamie and quickly unzipped her dress. She slid it down her slim body and helped her step out of it. Then guided her over to the toilet and supported her as she fell to her knees and began to retch violently. Ryan knelt down right next to her, with reassuring hands around her heaving waist. When all of the contents of her stomach had been expelled Jamie was stark white and sweating. Ryan dropped the lid and maneuvered her so she was sitting on the seat. She grabbed a washcloth and ran cold water over it for a moment then squatted down in front of Jamie and began to wipe her face and neck with the cool cloth. When she was fairly certain that the nausea had subsided she guided her over to the bed and sat her down.

She dashed over to her dresser and pulled out a long sleeved white t-shirt. Dashing back to the bed she slipped the gathered garment over her head. She reached behind her back and unhooked her bra, slipping the delicate lace off her shoulders and in nearly a single move managed to slide her limp arms into the long sleeves and pulled the hem down.

Jamie looked a bit better now. Her color was returning and Ryan was relieved at the thought that she would probably not pass out. Ryan pulled her up onto the bed and placed a few pillows behind her head. She debated whether to offer her the cocoa at this point. She had slipped a healthy shot of Bailey’s into the drink and she was concerned that the alcohol would further irritate her delicate stomach. Nonetheless, she held up the mug in front of Jamie’s eyes. “What do you think?” she inquired.

Jamie reached for the still steaming mug and swallowed a mouthful. “I think it’ll be okay,” she said as she savored the steaming concoction. They sat in companionable silence as they sipped their drinks. Ryan did not want to rush her, so she allowed her friend to go at her own pace. After a good half-hour of reflective silence Jamie was ready.

“You know, I’m mostly sad, but there is a small part of me that is so angry at him that I can hardly see straight. I think that’s the part that is making my stomach hurt,” she pondered.

“Why are you angry?” Ryan inquired.

“I think he said something just to hurt me,” she replied sadly. “I’ve never known him to do that and it just made me question what kind of a man he is.”

“Do you want to tell me about it?” Ryan asked gently.

“Yeah, I guess so,” she replied. “He told me that he realized that he didn’t love me anymore while we were having sex on Friday night,” she blushed deeply at revealing this intimacy. “I asked him at what point did he arrive at this conclusion, before, during or after sex.” She sighed deeply, “He said during!” she gasped out as she began to cry again.

Ryan wrapped her arms around her friend and began to rock her gently. After long minutes she was able to continue. “It just made me feel so violated!” she cried. “I thought we were making love while he was planning on breaking up with me.” She heaved a few more deep sighs, “Could you continue having sex if you had that realization, Ryan?”

Fuck no! she wanted to scream. I would never have sex just to satisfy myself! But instead she soothed, “I don’t know that I can answer that Jamie. Except for Sara I’ve never had sex with someone I love. It’s impossible for me to be able to put myself in his place. But I can empathize with how that made you feel,” she said sincerely as she continued to rock her softly. “I’m certainly not on Jack’s side here, but there is a chance that he was just lashing out at you for hurting him. You might feel better if you don’t try to understand his motivations, and just let yourself feel the hurt,” she said tenderly.

Jamie nodded her agreement as she tried to let go of her anger. But she quickly realized that the anger was helping her stay afloat. As she felt it ebb she was overcome with sadness. She rested her head on Ryan’s chest and let herself reflect on the 3 years they had together. Images of Jack flooded her mind; his smile, the way he cocked his head when he was interested in something, his quick mind, his long lean body, the way he smiled at her in pleasure after she climaxed. There were so many sweet and loving things he had done for her it became impossible to focus on this one betrayal. But the sorrow was so overpowering that she felt too weak to bear it. Only Ryan’s strong arms and powerful body kept her grounded.

It was nearly 2 a.m. when she began to feel a little more in control. For the past 10 minutes or so Ryan had been softly humming into her ear. The melody was gentle and smooth as the vibrations rumbled through her body. Finally she asked, “What are you humming?”

Ryan paused for so long that Jamie was unsure if she was going to answer. “A song that my mother used to sing to me,” she finally said, in just above a whisper.

“And you remember it after so long?” Jamie inquired gently.

“Yeah, it’s the only one I really remember,” she sadly admitted. “She sang it as a lullaby. I’m sure I heard it hundreds of times.” After a very long pause she finally asked, “Would you like me to sing it for you? It always worked to make me feel better.”

“I would love it,” Jamie replied simply. “I’ve never had anyone sing me to sleep,” she admitted shyly.

“Then we’re even because I’ve never sung this for anyone,” she revealed.

Ryan pulled down the covers and got Jamie all snuggled in. She slipped off her own sweats and nestled close. She fluffed the pillows and had her friend adjust them to her taste. When she was in her favorite sleep position lying on her left side Ryan snuggled up against her back as she wrapped an arm around her and began to sing the tune.

“It’s a cold old world that we’re walking through

they ought to tell you from the start.

But it’s warm as toast, walking two by two

lay down the burdens of your heart”

“Lay down the burdens of your heart

I know you’ll never miss them

Just show me, Angel, where it hurts

And let your Mama kiss it.”

“It’s a fine, fine line between love and hate,

it’s hard to tell the two apart

But what strength I have, I offer you

Lay down the burdens of your heart”

As Ryan began the refrain again, Jamie was soothed into slumber. Her last conscious thought as she drifted off was of the bone deep connection she felt for this woman. There is no safer place on earth than in her arms.

***

She felt Ryan slip out of bed just after the sun came up. Not one molecule in her body wanted to follow her friend so she slipped back into sleep easily. At around 9 her body demanded that she answer its call and she slowly stirred. She heard a soft chuckle from behind and she sleepily turned and saw a smiling Ryan, sitting at her desk, in her underwear, pouring over her books. “I didn’t wake you, did I?” she asked.

“No, I didn’t hear a thing. How long have you been up?” she asked through a yawn.

“About 3 hours,” Ryan replied after checking her watch. “Duffy and I went on a run, then I made breakfast for the boys and I’ve been studying for about an hour,” she said.

“What time is it?” Jamie inquired after shaking the fog from her brain.

“It’s just after 9. What can I make you for breakfast? You name it.”

“Something bland would be good. I’m still a little queasy,” she admitted. “I think I’m going to go to Mass at 10:30.” She stretched languidly and asked, “Do you want to go with me?”

“Um…I will if you need me to,” Ryan replied after a brief hesitation. “I have plans to have brunch with Tracy, but I’m sure she wouldn’t mind if we shifted it to a late lunch. Actually,” she said as she rose and went to the phone. “Let me call her and cancel. I think I need to stay close to you today.”

“No, Ryan, really. I’m fine going alone. I’ll call my grandfather and see if he can spend some time with me after the service. You go meet your girlfriend,” she said as she climbed out of bed and patted Ryan on the shoulder. She walked a step or two before she turned back and wrapped her arms around Ryan’s neck and gave her a strong squeeze. “I can’t thank you enough for last night. I honestly don’t know what I would have done without you.”

Ryan leaned her head down to rest on Jamie’s entwined arms and gave her a gentle pat. “I’m glad you called, Jamie. Now go get ready while I get your breakfast.”

***

Jamie was amazed at the array of items in front of her place at the table. There was a large bowl of slow cooked oatmeal, a small pitcher of cream, bowls of brown and white sugar, a bowl of raisins, a cut up banana and a tiny bowl of blueberries. “I wasn’t sure what you liked on your oatmeal, so I brought out everything,” she said logically.

“I usually have what Mr. Quaker gives me,” she replied with a gentle shake of her head. “I’m unfamiliar with all of these options. What do you recommend?”

“I am a fan of cream, brown sugar, banana and blueberries,” she replied. “May I?” she asked as she picked up the bowl of oatmeal.

Jamie nodded her assent as Ryan got to work mixing the ingredients one by one until the dish had the proper consistency. She presented it with a flourish and was very pleased by Jamie’s compliments.

“I don’t think I’ve ever had oatmeal before,” she mumbled through a large mouthful of the delicious cereal.

Conor came in just then and sniffed appreciatively. “Oooh, oatmeal. Is there any more?” He walked over to Jamie and kissed the top of her head as he gave her a firm hug. She leaned back against him from her position on the kitchen stool as he maintained the contact. It was obvious that Ryan had told him what happened, but equally obvious that he was more comfortable giving her physical comfort than verbal. She patted his hands as he drew away.

Ryan came back with two more bowls filled with the warm dish. She placed one in front of Conor and the other in front of an empty stool. Moments later Rory poked his head in inquiring, “Oatmeal?” as all three laughed.

***

As Jamie was leaving Ryan inquired, “What are you doing after you speak with your grandfather?”

“I guess I’ll just go home,” was the sad little reply. “I’ve got some reading to do for school.”

Ryan moved around so that she was facing her friend. She squatted down a tiny bit so that she could look directly into her sad green eyes. “I’d feel better if you came back here,” she said somberly. “You’ve got your books with you, don’t you?”

When Jamie admitted that she did indeed, Ryan persisted. “I want to see you again today. My date will be over by 3 at the latest. Why don’t you come back here and study?”

“I don’t know, Ryan. I might feel a little uncomfortable with you not here,” she replied with a tiny bit of hesitation.

“Let me ask Conor if he’ll be home. If you’re lonely he can keep you company or you can go to my room and read.” When Jamie hesitated Ryan played her trump card, “Will you do it as a favor to me? If you won’t come over I’ll have to come to your house to check on you. It will save me a lot of driving.”

“Like I could refuse to do you a favor, huh? Very sneaky Ms. O’Flaherty, very sneaky indeed,” Jamie teased her as she easily saw through the ruse.

***

As they had arranged, Rev. Evans waited for Jamie in the Sacristy after Mass. He was in very good spirits and was happy to see his only granddaughter. But one look at her forlorn face immediately alerted him that something major was amiss. “Do you want to tell me what’s wrong now, or over lunch?” he asked as he gave her a hug.

“Over lunch I think,” she replied. “It’s gonna take a while.” They walked next door to the small house that the church provided. The housekeeper had made them a nice lunch before she left for the day and as they sat down at the kitchen table Rev. Evans placed his hand on Jamie’s and said, “Tell me what’s wrong, Sweetheart.”

Before she could even attempt to stop them the tears started to flow. Jamie could not remember crying like this in front of her grandfather but he patiently waited until she was able to speak. Finally, she was able to say, “Jack broke off our engagement, Poppa.”

“Oh, Jamie, I’m so sorry. What a sad thing for both of you,” he said with sympathy. “Tell me what happened.”

“Well, we haven’t been getting along great since the school year started. We just fight about little things, and we had never done that before,” she related.

“I must admit that surprises me, Jamie. I honestly never saw any tension between you two.”

“Maybe that’s part of the problem,” she ventured. “Neither one of us is very good at showing how we feel,” she reflected. “Anyway, it’s been getting worse lately. He’s gotten very jealous and he really doesn’t like one of my friends.”

When Rev. Evans looked confused Jamie explained, “Remember Ryan who is training me for the ride?” At his nod, she continued, “Jack doesn’t like me to see her, and it had become a big issue. I don’t think the issue is really Ryan though. I just don’t think he liked the fact that I did something against his wishes.”

“Do you really think he called off your marriage just because he didn’t like your friend? That just doesn’t seem like Jack.”

“Part of it is that, but another part is that I was spending lots of time with Ryan, even though it didn’t interfere with our time together. He didn’t like the fact that I was doing this ride, and he didn’t like the changes in my body,” she blushed a bit as she said this.

“Still, Jamie, that is a drastic action over some minor issues. Is this really everything? What specifically doesn’t he like about Ryan?”

“I think it’s mostly that she’s a lesbian,” she admitted. “He thinks that hanging out with a lesbian is exactly like hanging out with another man. I’ve got to admit, I’ve been disappointed in his attitudes about gay people, Poppa.”

“As you know, that’s not a uncommon reaction, Jamie.” He paused to look at her carefully. “Do your parents know your friend?”

“Um..no, I’ve never taken her home.”

“But you’ve been at her home,” he said with a tiny frown. “Quite often if I recall.”

“Yes,” she said as she smiled. “Her family has just about adopted me.”

“Why haven’t you introduced her to your family, Honey?”

“Mainly because Daddy agrees that I should stop seeing Ryan because Jack doesn’t like her. He doesn’t understand why I would make Jack unhappy over a friend,” she replied.

He leaned back in his chair and nodded briefly. “Do your friends like Ryan?” he persisted.

“Well, Cassie hates her. She is part of the reason this got so bad with Jack. She’s been trying to get him upset about Ryan and she’s been very successful,” she admitted disgustedly. “But Mia likes her a lot. She’s even hired her to train with.”

“I want you to think about the next question carefully Jamie. You tell me that your fiancé has broken up with you over her, your father agrees with him and one of your closest friends hates this woman. Is there something about her to create this emotion or are they all just narrow minded?”

Jamie did as he suggested. She was deep in thought for several minutes. Finally she replied, “I think Ryan is the sweetest, most thoughtful, most kind person I’ve ever met. I swear there is nothing about Ryan that isn’t a positive force on my life. I really think they’ve just jumped to conclusions because she’s gay, Poppa.”

He let out a breath and rubbed the bridge of his nose in a frustrated gesture. “Well, it wouldn’t be the first time that people had an irrational reaction to a lesbian.” He shook his head a little and turned to gaze thoughtfully at his granddaughter. “How do you feel about her Jamie?” he asked carefully.

Jamie began to turn red as she realized that she had to tell everything. “I feel safe with her. She’s my best friend and I treasure every moment we share. She is just the most extraordinary person I’ve ever met.”

Rev. Evans leaned over and gently grasped Jamie’s hand. He gave her a small smile as he said, “Seeing how your face lights up when you talk about her could be part of the issue, Jamie. Perhaps Jack felt that he had to compete against her. And maybe he thought that he would lose.”

“What do you mean, Poppa?” she nearly gasped.

“Describing her as the most extraordinary person you’ve ever met doesn’t leave much room at the top for Jack, does it Honey?” he asked gently.

A deep sigh preceded her answer. “No, I suppose not,” she replied glumly. “But she really is remarkable, Poppa. She’s helped me change and grow in so many ways. And I just couldn’t give her up. Not for Jack…not for anyone!”

After a moment spent gazing at her face he asked, “Do you have romantic feelings for her, Sweetheart?”

The blush that flew to every exposed inch of her skin was a dead giveaway. “Um, I…I…I guess the thought has crossed my mind,” she admitted rather weakly. “She is incredibly attractive and I have had a…romantic dream about her. But that is really recent. I haven’t had any thought about leaving Jack for her, I swear! I love her, Poppa, but just because I love her doesn’t mean I’m in love with her does it?”

“Of course not. It’s entirely possible to form a very close and loving attachment to a friend. But you say that you have recently been thinking about her in a different manner,” he reminded her. “Tell me more about that.”

“I guess it’s just snuck up on me,” she said slowly. “I…I actually kissed her on my birthday,” she admitted with a furious blush. “But it was just one kiss and we didn’t even talk about it afterwards. We’ve slept in the same bed twice since then and nothing has happened so I think it was just kind of a fluke.”

“Do you think it is within the realm of possibility that Jack could have picked up on your changing feelings?” he asked.

“What? That I kissed her?”

“No, Honey,” he said. “Could he have picked up on the fact that your feelings are beginning to deepen?”

“I’m not sure that they have deepened, Poppa. I’m just so confused,” she moaned. “I suppose it’s possible that Jack noticed something. But he disliked her from the very beginning, Poppa, long before I knew her well at all.”

“Besides this thing with Ryan, how are you getting along with your parents?” he asked.

“Not great. Mother is very unhappy about my involvement with the AIDS ride. Daddy actually defended me last night that really made me feel better, but I just don’t think the issue is dead. And I’m worried about their reaction to Jack’s breaking up with me. I’m sure they’ll blame me.”

“Anything else?” he persisted.

“I just feel like I’m growing up all at once, Poppa. I’m making decisions for myself and no one is supporting me. They still think of me as a child, and I think Jack did too,” she added.

“How have you been feeling, honey? Is this all bothering you a lot?”

“Yeah, it really has. My sleep has been way off and I can’t seem to keep my weight up. You know how I get my nervous stomach? It’s been a lot more nervous than normal and that contributes to the weight loss,” she admitted. “I’m down to less than I weighed when I entered high school.”

“Have you ever considered seeing a counselor, Jamie? I think this would be a great time to get some professional help with these issues,” he opined.

“Can’t you help me? You always have before,” she asked with a look that reflected both fear and surprise.

“No, Honey, I’m too involved. I don’t think you have any terrible secrets just waiting to jump out at you, Jamie. But I do think you’re going through a tough time dealing with some very adult matters, and I think you could use some help. What do you think?”

“I guess that’s a good idea,” she replied a bit hesitantly. “Can you help me find someone?”

“Sure, I have a couple of referrals. I really think this will help, Jamie. Give it a little time and I guarantee you’ll feel better. Now lets try to get some of this lunch into you,” he said affectionately.

Chapter 14

At around 2:30 she pulled up in front of the house in the Noe Valley. She knocked on the door and Conor came to answer. “Hi. How was church?” he asked brightly.

“It was good. What have you been up to?” she replied.

“Rory and I are watching the Warriors on TV. Ryan just got home. Go on down if you want,” he said.

She started down the stairs but paused as she reached the open door. Jamie stood in open mouthed shock at the scene in front of her. Ryan was lying half on the bed, with her new pants around her ankles. She had on her standard knit boxers but this pair was bright white. Tracy was straddling her waist and was bent over her prey kissing her in a thoroughly erotic manner. Ryan’s wrists were pinned down securely by Tracy’s hands, and the smaller woman was slowly undulating her hips in a lust filled pattern. Ryan seemed to be struggling a bit but just as Jamie turned to go back upstairs she heard her friend utter a long, low moan that turned her knees to rubber. She had to place her hand on the wall to steady herself, but she was able to climb the stairs and reach the safety of the living room. She found herself standing in the kitchen when she heard Martin come in the front door.

Doing her best to compose her face she went out to greet him. “Hi, Martin,” she said lightly.

“Ah, Jamie. I hoped that was your little car I spotted out in front,” he said as he came over to give her a hug. “What are you girls up to today?” he inquired.

“Nothing much. I just got here. I had been at church and Ryan went to brunch with Tracy. I think she’s downstairs changing or something,” she said, just lying a little.

“Does she know you’re here?” he inquired. “Go on down if you like.”

“No, no,” she responded immediately. “I’ll just wait until she’s finished.”

“Let me get you a drink or a little something to eat, Jamie,” he said as he regarded her thoughtfully. “You’re still losing weight aren’t you?” he said after a moment. “Are you still troubled by the attack?”

“No, it’s not that. I’ve been having kind of a hard time, and I have trouble with my stomach when I’m upset.”

“What’s troubling you, lass?” he inquired as he brushed her cheek with his palm.

“My fiancé broke off our engagement last night,” she replied shakily as a few tears started to stream down her face.

“You poor little thing,” he said soothingly as he wrapped her in his arms. For reasons she could not understand Jamie felt completely comfortable resting her head on his chest and letting out her feelings. “That man must be daft to let a prize like you get away.”

“Thanks, Martin,” she said softly as she pulled away. “That really does make me feel better.”

At that moment Ryan and Tracy came in to the kitchen, hand in hand. Martin greeted them both as Jamie struggled to erase the image burned into her brain. Finally, she was able to say hello in a fairly normal tone of voice.

Ryan looked at her quizzically as she asked, “Have you been here long?”

“No, just a few minutes,” she fibbed. “I was just chatting with Martin here,” she said as she smiled at him.

He smiled back as he replied, “I’m going to go change out of my uniform. Try to get this one to eat a bite or two will you, Darlin?” as he addressed Ryan.

“I try, Da. I really do,” she said as she grinned at her friend.

Tracy came over to Jamie as Martin left the room. She placed her hand on her shoulder and looked directly into her eyes. “I’m really sorry to hear about your breakup, Jamie. I really feel for you.”

“Thanks, Tracy,” she replied, still a little shaky.

Tracy went back to Ryan’s side and smiled sweetly at her. “I’ve got to go study, Sweetie. I had a very good time at brunch.”

Ryan placed two of her fingers on Tracy’s chin. She slowly lifted her head as she softly touched her lips with her own. Both kept their eyes open and Tracy’s mouth broke into a grin as Ryan pulled away. The kiss was completely chaste, no more than a light touch. But Jamie felt like she had witnessed a terribly private moment. She felt an ache of emotion flood through her chest at the tenderness of the contact. And right at that moment, she knew. She was as sure as she had ever been about anything in her life. No qualms, no doubts. She wanted Ryan. She wanted to be with her, to touch her, to love her. She felt herself begin to become aroused thinking about how she wanted to touch her and be touched. Her dream came back in full force and she had to close her eyes to concentrate on remaining centered.

She heard herself say goodbye to Tracy and she knew that she was now alone with Ryan. She wasn’t sure who moved first but in seconds she was wrapped in Ryan’s arms, holding on tight. But this hug felt different from all the other hugs she had received from her friend. She allowed herself to really feel Ryan this time. She inhaled deeply to imprint her scent; she felt her warm breath tickle the side of her face. She focused on the soft firmness of her breasts as they pressed against her chest. This is what I want! I want this woman!

***

The rest of the day passed in a fog. She knew they had all eaten dinner together. She knew they spent the evening in Ryan’s room, studying. Rather, Ryan studied as she tried to force herself to look at her books, instead of daydreaming about the beautiful creature sitting mere feet from her, clad only in her underwear.

As the evening wore on Jamie watched Ryan repeatedly shove her dark hair behind her ears in an irritated gesture. Since her entire focus was on her lovely friend she automatically found herself standing behind her and gently pulling the dark tresses back into a ponytail. But the silky hair felt so fabulous in her hands that she unconsciously began to run her fingers through it, starting at the scalp and extending all along the length. A deeply contented murmur of satisfaction greeted her ministrations, which only served to encourage her. She continued her stroking until Ryan sleepily mumbled, “Two more minutes and I’m out.”

Her eyes flew open as she stared down at her hands in amazement. She was fully conscious but she had no memory of getting off the bed and beginning to rub her friend’s beautiful head. She stood there with her fingers entwined in the dark hair, not able to reply in any fashion. Slowly, Ryan turned her head and Jamie felt the silky threads fall gently from her hands, one lock at a time. Ryan gave her a gentle smile and asked, “Are you having a tough time concentrating tonight?”

Jamie tried to control the blush that was rapidly traveling up her neck. “Yeah, I guess I am. I’ve just had so much on my mind that it’s really hard to focus.”

“Is there a lot you need to do for class?” she inquired.

“No, I’m actually pretty caught up. I studied a lot on Friday night, so I’m just trying to stay ahead.”

“Why don’t we go for a walk? I’m about to go cross-eyed from looking at these chem problems. If you feel up to it we could walk over to the Castro and get some ice cream.”

“How far is that?” Jamie asked suspiciously, knowing that Ryan’s athletic capacity far exceeded hers.

“It’s about a 20 minute walk, at a leisurely pace, ” she replied. “I guarantee it’s not too far for you.”

They got their shoes and sweatshirts on and stepped out into the foggy, damp evening. There was not another person in sight and the streets were likewise deserted. The fog seemed to muffle every sound from the neighborhood and Jamie felt like they were all alone even though they were in the middle of a very large city. Ryan slipped her arm around her shoulders and said, “I’m so sorry that things are hard for you right now, Jamie.”

Jamie just smiled up at her friend, happy for the closeness. She reached up with her right hand and held onto Ryan’s dangling hand, pressing it into her shoulder. They walked for another few minutes before Jamie asked, “You seem to get along with Tracy really well. How do you think it’s going?”

Ryan’s eyebrows gathered in concentration. After a moment she cocked her head slightly and said, “I’m not sure, to tell you the truth. I thought a long walk might actually clear my mind enough to let me consider how it’s going.” She pursed her lips together and allowed her forehead to crease into a little frown. “I’m not up for talking about her right now though. Let’s talk about you.”

“Ugh,” she grunted in obvious disgust. “I thought a walk might take my mind off my stuff.” Looking up at Ryan she quirked her mouth into a grin and observed, “So both of us have things on our minds that are obviously bothering us but neither wants to talk about it. That’s a switch.”

“Yeah, I guess it is,” she agreed with a little nod, not rising to the bait.

“Well, let’s talk about where we’re going,” Jamie suggested. “I’ve never been to the Castro you know.”

Ryan stopped short and stared at her. “You haven’t?! I thought they brought bus loads of straight children up here to observe the natives in their habitat!”

Jamie laughed at her exaggerated antics. “Nope. I missed this on the cultural tour. I guess I just never had a reason to come here. There’s no museum, gallery, symphony, or outstanding restaurant here is there?”

“Nope. Although I think ‘Hot ‘n Hunky Hamburgers’ is worth a trip.”

“Riiiight,” she agreed. “Sounds just like my mother’s kind of place. No, for living so close to The City we didn’t come up for anything other than restaurants, sporting events, or culture. We actually didn’t do a lot of investigating the Bay Area. I’ve spent much more time sniffing around Tuscany than I have San Francisco.”

“Well, stick with me, Pal, and I’ll introduce you to every dark alley in this town.”

“Did your family do a lot of things together in The City?”

“No, not really,” she admitted. “Because there’s 6 years between Brendan and I he was involved in sports and school things by the time I was old enough to go out in civilized society. So it was hard to do things that appealed to all of us. We stuck pretty close to home as a family. Our lives centered around our extended family, our parish and our sports teams.”

“Then how do you know so much about the back alleys?” she teased.

“Cause as soon as I was old enough to ride my skateboard over these hills I was gone,” she said with satisfaction. “I still remember the first time I had the guts…or the stupidity to ride down Castro.”

Through the fog Jamie saw the steep terrain that they had to descend to reach the main business area of said Castro Street. “You…you rode down this!?”

“Yep. I strapped my little helmet on as tight as I could and let ‘er rip! My heart was in my throat the whole time and my legs were shaking so bad I almost fell off but I did it. When I got to the bottom I actually spent a minute feeling my body to make sure I was still in one piece. I was tingling so much that I couldn’t really tell!”

“So once you crossed ‘The Rubicon’ there was no stopping you, huh?”

“Nope,” she said happily. “I had some buddies from the neighborhood, boys of course, who had to do it since I could. Once we all had our ‘wings’ we just started ranging farther and farther from home. We had passes that let us take MUNI for free so we’d go over to Castro and Market and just jump on the first train. We’d ride until we got tired of it and get off and ride around until we got bored. Then we’d get back on and head home.”

“My God!” she cried. “I had to get advance permission to go to a friend’s house, and she lived 3 doors down!”

“Well, Da didn’t know a tenth of what I did, and it’s better that way. But I remember the first time I got pinched for trespassing down in the Embarcadero.”

“The Embarcadero! That’s miles and miles from here. How old were you?”

“Probably 10 or so,” she mused. “Anyway, we were skateboarding down some really cool handicapped ramps some of the big buildings have. The big clothes trend had just barely started and we were all dressed up in our big skateboarding pants and those huge parkas. It was winter and really cold so I had on a stocking cap too. Da would not buy me the big pants of course, so I would swipe Connor’s pants when Da was at work and roll them up so I didn’t break my neck. Anyway, the pants were too big, even for my purposes and they started to fall down just when the guards started running. My buddies blew out of there but I caught the rolled up hem in a wheel and took a header. One of the guards caught me and started treating me pretty rough, just to teach me a lesson.

“Did he hit you?” she asked in horror.

“No, he was just dragging me by my coat and screaming at me. Anyway, he drags me in the security office and they start to give me the 3rd degree. But I clam up and refuse to talk. I figure they’ll let me go cause I’m just a little girl, right?”

“Wrong?” she asked tentatively.

“Wrong indeed! They searched me and found my MUNI pass. It was in my name but they still hadn’t figured out I was a girl yet and the pass didn’t help! I had to sit in that office with these goons threatening me for hours! They left a message on the machine at home since the number was on my pass and Da finally called at around 6 o’clock. Listening to their end of the conversation was pretty funny,” she recalled. “I heard them say, ‘Mr. O’Flaherty, we have your son down at #3 Embarcadero. He was caught illegally skateboarding and we’re holding him prior to sending him to the Youth Authority.’ “

Jamie was horrified at the rough treatment that her friend had been subjected to. “Weren’t you terrified?” she cried.

“Not of them or the Youth Authority,” she admitted. “Actually the Youth Authority sounded pretty good compared to facing my father. The guy on the phone started insisting that I was Da’s son and I could just imagine him telling the boys to line up and count off,” she laughed. But then the guard’s eyes got big and he turned to me and yanked off my stocking cap. He about croaked when he saw that I was a little girl. They got real nice to me after that…brought me a soda and some cookies. That really pissed me off,” she grumbled.

“What? It pissed you off that he was nice to you?”

“Yeah, since it was only because I was a girl. If he was going to be a jerk cause I was a boy he should have been a jerk when I turned out to be a girl!”

“You’re something else, Ryan,” she laughed. “So then what happened?”

“Oh, I had to sit there until Da came to get me.”

“Was he mad?”

“He was more mad about the parking fee than anything else,” she laughed. “But I had to pay him back for that out of my allowance. Since I only got $2 a week it took me a month!”

“Was that your only punishment?” she asked, not imagining that Martin would ever hit a child.

“Yeah, plus a very long lecture that I really deserved about using a handicapped ramp for play. We learned our lesson that day though,” she admitted. “From then on we always kept one kid near the ramp to warn us if a real handicapped person was coming!”

“You are incorrigible, Ryan O’Flaherty.”

“Yeah, well hanging out on my skateboard was nothing compared to the trouble I got into down here,” she smirked as they entered the business district of Castro St.

“It looks so…ordinary,” she remarked as she looked around.

“You expected what? Dungeons, transvestites in every window?”

“No…I don’t know what I expected but it hardly looks gay at all,” she mused as she turned in a complete circle.

“Yeah, it’s pretty hard to tell,” Ryan dryly remarked as they stopped in front of a small house wares store. “Do you like those towel bars?”

Jamie squinted at the very small towel racks that were displayed right near the front window. The bars were actually cast concrete replicas of massively engorged penises, all extra large. The towels were embroidered as usual for guest towels. One read ‘Cum Towel’, and other ‘Trick Towel’, and a pair that hung together read ‘His and His’. She stood in slack jawed shock, finally turning to her grinning friend as she muttered, “I don’t know what a trick towel is and I don’t think I want to!” as she turned and continued to march down the street.

Another little video store had a display up celebrating the upcoming Academy Awards. Cute little Oscar replicas lined the display window but each Oscar was sporting a massive gold erection. Jamie gazed up at her smirking friend and asked, “Is the other side of the street all vaginas?”

“No,” Ryan laughed. “It’s pretty much all about the penis in the Castro.”

Now Jamie’s sense of equality was insulted. “That hardly seems fair,” she demanded with hands on her hips. “Lesbians need love too!”

“I couldn’t agree more,” Ryan soothed as she wrapped her arm around her feisty friend to continue their walk.

***

When they reached the ‘Double Rainbow’ Ryan insisted that Jamie get two scoops of the double chocolate flavor. Because it was a little cold out they ate in the small shop. Ryan had ordered a hot fudge sundae and Jamie watched her eat with obvious pleasure.

“Are you sure you like kissing better than eating?” she teased.

“I’m positive,” she replied with a little eyebrow wiggle.

“Then you must really like kissing,” she said slowly.

“You have no idea,” she intoned solemnly as she slowly shook her head.

Oh God, but I want to know. I really want to know!

***

Back on the street they decided to return via the opposite side just in case there were hidden vaginas that Ryan hadn’t previously noticed. “It really seems unfair to me Ryan,” Jamie insisted as they confirmed that the street was clearly focused on gay men and their equipment. “I mean, the Castro is supposed to be this big gay Mecca and it’s all about men. I mean lesbians are the least interested group in the world when it comes to penises.”

“Well,” Ryan drawled, “one’s with feeling in them at least.”

“Huh?” she asked as she turned to face her friend, cocking her head slightly as she did so.

“Sorry,” Ryan said quickly. “I was just making a joke. I was merely referring to lesbians interest in non-human penises.”

Jamie gazed down at the ground for a moment and Ryan thought she had offended her by the little joke. But she was obviously considering the matter because she finally looked up and said, “Is that really a ‘thing’? I mean, I thought that was a bad joke that guys always make.”

Ryan’s color rose dramatically as she pursed her lips and tried to decide how much to reveal. “Um…well, it’s kind of a…do you really…um…should I give you my personal response or do you want a lesbian-wide answer,” she finally got out.

Jamie immediately grasped her arm as she assured her, “I’m sorry, Ryan, I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I’ve just heard snide little comments about lesbians and their fake penises for years. I guess I want to know if there’s any truth to it.”

“Well, you did see the assortment at ‘Good Vibrations’, ” she reminded her.

“Yeah, but I thought the vibrators would be the lesbian thing. I kinda thought the penises were for gay men.”

“Um…well…I guess it depends on the um…person…” she stammered.

“You don’t have to answer, Ryan,” she assured her. “I just…I guess I’m surprised this bothers you since nothing else has seemed to.”

Ryan considered this as they started to walk again. “Hmmm, you are right about that,” she mused. “Maybe it’s because I know you a lot better now. I don’t know, Jamie,” she said slowly. “Maybe I don’t want you to think badly of me…you’re opinion has come to mean an awful lot to me,” she admitted shyly.

“Ryan,” she said emphatically, “why would something like this change my opinion of you?”

“I don’t know,” she mumbled, looking oddly adolescent. “You’ve been so conservative with your sexual expression, I guess I worry that you’ll think my experiences make me kinda…I don’t know…um, maybe slutty?” she gazed down at Jamie through the long bangs that had fallen into her eyes, adding to her adolescent demeanor.

“Ryan!” she nearly shouted. “You are a totally honorable woman! I would never think any such thing about you! But I also have no desire to make you uncomfortable. Let’s just drop the whole topic, okay?” she asked gently.

” ‘Kay,” she agreed, happy that Jamie respected her privacy. She slung her arm around her friend’s shoulders and asked, “Um…I would like to talk about Tracy a little. Are up to hearing about it?”

“Yes, definitely,” she said sincerely as she turned slightly and Ryan’s arm dropped from her shoulder. But she was not ready to relinquish the contact so she reached over and grasped Ryan’s hand. She threaded their fingers together as they walked along, hand in hand, as Ryan gathered her thoughts.

“Okay,” she finally began. “I’ve told you that I don’t want to be sexual with her until I’m sure that there will be some permanence there.” She looked to Jamie for acknowledgment.

When she got it she continued, “When we first discussed this she was very much in support of that.” Here she looked a bit sheepish, “But she seems to have changed the rules on me and I’m not sure what to do.”

“What do you mean, ‘Changed the rules’?” Jamie inquired, having a pretty good idea about this change given Tracy’s behavior earlier in the day.

“Well, last night she really pushed me, and I nearly gave in. But I didn’t,” she said proudly. “But if I’m gonna stay focused I need to stop going to her apartment. God! She put on this little camisole and a thin silk robe when we got back from dinner. In no time at all my hands were inside that robe and she felt better than naked in just that thin, soft silk.” They had been making steady progress on their walk but this thought made Ryan stand stock still for several moments. She looked positively transported by her memories and Jamie actually had to give her hand a squeeze to bring her back. “Wow!” she blushed. “I’m sorry for zoning out like that. It’s just…” she mumbled as she shook her head.

“I know,” Jamie said gently. “She’s obviously decided that she’s ready to sleep with you, Ryan. Women don’t put on clothes like that just to stay cool.”

“Right,” Ryan nodded. Then as if she had just heard her statement she looked at her and laughed as she gently shook her head. “Well last night was bad enough, but today, I went downstairs to change. I thought she would stay upstairs, but I had my pants half off when she came down and literally threw herself at me. I had to actually fight her off!” she said with a bewildered expression. “It’s hard enough to hold my own lust in check. There’s no way I can keep a handle on hers at the same time!” she said rather helplessly.

“Do you want to be with her…like that?” Jamie inquired.

“Yes, … yes, … God, yes!” she stated with conviction. “I want her so much my teeth ache,” she moaned. “I’ve never in my life turned down sex from someone that I wanted like this Jamie.”

“So….what’s the problem? She wants you, you want her….”

“I feel like I want her like I normally want women. I’m used to having sex, Jamie. A lot of sex!” she said. “I think Tracy is beautiful, and very sweet. She’s smart and quick and funny. And if she makes love as good as she kisses, I bet she is tremendous in bed,” she intoned solemnly.

“And those are bad things?” Jamie asked, thoroughly confused.

“No, those are good things. But I have a hard time imagining that she is the last woman in my life. I don’t know if I’m in love with her,” she said thoughtfully. “And since I made this pledge to her and to myself, I don’t feel right about breaking it.”

“I can’t tell you how much I admire your self control, Ryan,” she said with conviction. “I know how hard this is for you.”

“I guess you probably do know, given how long you waited to be sexual with Jack,” she admitted. “How did you deal with the frustration?” she moaned as she shook her dark head slowly.

“Well, besides the obvious ways of releasing pressure,” she grinned, “I just knew it was the right thing for me. And to be honest, I enjoyed those days a lot more than I enjoyed actually having sex,” she admitted.

Ryan stopped dead in her tracks, mouth gaping open. “You did?” she squeaked out.

“Yeah, I did,” she replied as she looked down at the pavement. “I guess that should have been a clue that things weren’t going well in the relationship, huh?”

“That must have been awful for you, Jamie,” she said sincerely. “What do you think changed?”

“Mia tells me that this is what to expect from a lot of guys,” she said with disgust. “She says that they like kissing and touching but that once you will have sex, they focus on that instead of foreplay.”

“Conor always teases me that lesbian sex is all foreplay,” Ryan laughed. “Obviously it’s not, but I’m not sure if it would bother me that much if it was,” she said thoughtfully. “There is nothing on earth that I enjoy more than kissing a woman,” she closed her eyes in pleasure and Jamie felt her own close as well. “I guess that having a penis just changes the focus of sex,” she ventured.

“From my limited experience I would tend to agree,” Jamie said, her voice straining a bit as they climbed the aptly named Hill St. “With Jack, sex was all about intercourse and orgasm,” she said. “I would just be getting into it and he’d be done.”

“Ouch,” said Ryan as she visibly grimaced. “You’ve told me about him not liking oral sex after intercourse but I guess I didn’t realize how pervasive the problem was,” she admitted. “Were things ever good?”

“Yes, sometimes we’d be on the same wavelength. But usually I just felt like I had to have an orgasm by the time he did or it wouldn’t happen. It made me feel under pressure to finish and that just doesn’t work for me.”

“I don’t know anyone who can finish if they’re under pressure to do so,” Ryan agreed. “I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but maybe it’s best that Jack broke it off,” she said. “If you were really in love with him don’t you think sex would have been great?” she asked.

“I always thought so,” Jamie replied. “I’ve just assumed there was just something wrong with me, that I wasn’t responsive enough or something.”

“I rather doubt that,” Ryan said with a grin. “I bet you’d be a little firecracker with the right person,” she said as she slid her arm around her shoulders again.

And you’re the one I want to light my fuse, she silently replied.

***

Ryan finally turned to her and asked, “What do you think I should I do about Tracy?”

Don’t ask me that, please! she pleaded. I want you to drop her like a hot rock and kiss me until I pass out! But she stoically quieted her inner conflict and responded thoughtfully, “Tell me how you feel about her.”

“I like her a lot,” she replied confidently. “She’s got all the attributes that I want in a woman. But there is one thing that really bothers me,” she said.

“What’s that?” Jamie inquired.

“I don’t think she likes my family much,” she said thoughtfully.

“How could that be?” Jamie asked in true surprise. “You’ve got the nicest family on earth!”

“Obviously, she’s always been complimentary, but she has very good manners, so I would expect that. She’s from a wealthy family in Los Angeles.” After a beat she added, “No offense,” with a little grin.

“None taken,” Jamie replied with a smile.

“She doesn’t speak badly about her own family, she just wouldn’t do that. But I don’t sense any real love there. She doesn’t like to visit them and she never mentions talking to them on the phone.” She shook her head, “I just can’t imagine that.”

“God Ryan, I just cannot imagine not loving your family. I miss them when I haven’t seen them for a few days!” she laughed. “Maybe she just hasn’t had enough time with them.”

“No, that’s not it. I’ve had her over for dinner at least 6 times. After it became clear that I was trying to get close to her Da encouraged me to have her over more often. She always says she’s had a nice time, but she always seems to prefer getting me alone.”

“I can see that would concern you, but maybe she wants to spend her time getting to know you. Maybe she thinks you’ll have time later for the extended family,” Jamie offered.

“You may be right,” she said slowly. “But I suggested that we take the baby for the day and she was decidedly unenthusiastic.”

“Well, that seems very odd. Caitlin is the most precious thing on earth. But again, maybe she just wants to be alone with you.”

“Maybe,” Ryan mused. “But when I talk about my desire to have children she always changes the subject or tries to distract me. The other day I asked her flat out if she wanted children and she just laughed and said she hadn’t spent much time thinking about it.”

“Well, she is young,” Jamie reminded her. “Lots of women don’t make up their minds about that until they’re in their 30’s.”

“True. And if you both agree that’s just fine. But I don’t want to wait that long. Having kids is one of the biggest reasons that I want to be in a stable relationship. And I want to have them before I get terribly involved in my career. If Tracy and I are to be a couple she has to be enthusiastic about having kids in the next couple of years. And I sure don’t get the idea she’s on that same wavelength.”

“I guess you have to be more blunt with her, Ryan. Tell her what your plans are and see if she is willing to share them. She might surprise you,” she offered.

“Well, there is one other thing,” Ryan added somberly. “And it’s one thing that could be the deal breaker.”

“What’s that?” Jamie asked.

“She doesn’t believe in God,” she said quietly.

“Do you mean she’s agnostic?” she inquired.

“Nope. She’s a card carrying atheist,” she replied. “I don’t think I ever considered that I would require a girlfriend to have some spiritual belief, but I think I do.” She added thoughtfully, “It wouldn’t even bother me if she was agnostic, you know, like she didn’t believe in God, but she allowed that there was a possibility of a God. But we’ve talked about this several times. She believes in nothing. No God, no creator, no karma, no afterlife. She thinks we’re here by some cosmic accident and she thinks every bit of our energy dies and is put in a box. She has actually referred to spirituality as a ‘fairy tale’.”

They were approaching the crest of the hill that led them back to the Noe Valley and Jamie had to concentrate just to keep her breathing even. But the pause let her collect her thoughts for a moment. “I think I know what you mean, Ryan. My faith is so much a part of my life that I would hate to not be able to share it with someone I loved.”

“Exactly!” Ryan replied. “I mean it’s clear that I have issues, big issues with the Catholic Church. I go back and forth between being really connected and really disconnected. I’m in a disconnected period right now, as a matter of fact. But my belief in God as the source of love and goodness and peace is unwavering. I just don’t know if I can love someone who doesn’t believe in what I trust to be source of love,” she said with conviction.

“I get it, Ryan, I really do. I mean, I love to go to church. It’s often the highlight of my week. And I could love someone who didn’t go. I could love someone with an entirely different view of the world, like a Buddhist or a Hindu. But I would hate to have my lover think I was wasting my time, or doing something foolish.”

“That is precisely the problem with Tracy. It’s not just that she doesn’t believe, I think she equates my faith with believing in the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus. She seems to think it’s kind of a cute little phase that I’ll grow out of when I mature. I mean, I like her so much, but if I’m going to be committed to her we have to have a similar moral framework. My faith and my family are so integral to me, it’s almost like she can’t know me if she can’t understand and respect that.”

“It sounds to me like you’ve already made up your mind, Ryan,” she observed.

“Yeah,” she glumly replied as she let out a breath. “I suppose I have. I’ve just been trying to convince myself that it can work. I mean, it’s hard to find everything you want in one person, and she seems so close,” she said emphatically as she held her hand up and spread her thumb and index finger just a tiny bit apart.

“What will you do?”

“I guess I could tell her I’m not interested in a committed relationship and see if she just wants to play around,” she replied with a leer. “Or I could just tell her I’m not ready to go any further, and stop seeing her.” She gave a little scowl. “I don’t like option number two, but that’s probably what I’ll do.”

“I think you’ll feel better about yourself if you do that, Ryan. Although you could tell her the total truth and see if she’s open to changing her opinions,” she replied.

“I think the Spanish Inquisition showed that you can’t force faith on someone, Jamie,” she teased.

“I don’t mean that, Goofy. I mean, tell her the whole truth and see if she wants to just fool around for a while.”

“I’m not certain what I’ll do. But I guess she deserves total honesty for putting up with me for almost 4 months.”

“That is a lot for one poor woman to bear,” she laughed in response. “Gosh, we’re home already!” she said as she looked up and noticed they had turned onto Noe. “That went fast.”

“Yeah, it did,” Ryan agreed. “But time always flies when I’m with you.”

Jamie looked over at her grinning friend’s guileless face and gave her hand a gentle squeeze. “You can say that again, Pal.”

Ryan let her smaller friend precede her as they climbed the short flight of stairs up to the front door. When they were nearly at the top she leaned in close and whispered, “Just for the record I’ve been on both ends of artificial penises. As Martha Stewart would say, ‘It’s a good thing!’ “

***

When they went back downstairs, Jamie had to admit that she felt a lot better about her breakup but now she had a whole new topic setting her teeth on edge. Both ends?? What in the hell does she mean by that? she mused, unable to get the images of Ryan and artificial penises out of her mind.

Ryan walked over to her bookshelf and pulled out a neatly labeled photo album. Idly turning the pages she found the photo she was looking for and called Jamie over. Turning the book and handing it to her she pointed at the photo in the center of the page without comment. Jamie barked out a laugh, slapping her hand over her mouth and staring up at Ryan in shock. There, memorialized for all to see, was the little street urchin that Ryan had described earlier in the evening. “My God!” she finally got out, now able to control her laughter. “Is this really you?”

Ryan walked around to stand next to her friend. Taking the book in her hands she smiled fondly at the image of her young self and nodded briefly. The photo showed 5 little ragamuffins, all of a similar age. They were posing on Maeve’s front steps, and each child tried to appear older and tougher for the camera. The other 4 were boys but they were all dressed nearly identically. Ryan was in the front, standing on the ground in front of the stairs. She was so extraordinarily tall that she was the same height as the two boys standing on the stair behind her. Jamie guessed that she was rail thin but it was very difficult to tell for sure because of her laughingly large clothes.

She had on a canvas barn jacket, tan in color, with a darker brown corduroy collar. The hood of a dark green sweatshirt peeked out past the collar but the jacket was so huge she could have easily fit another sweatshirt on and still have had room. Stiff looking dark blue jeans covered her long legs, the cuffs rolled up at least 5 inches. The pants were so large it was impossible to see where one leg started and the other stopped…it just looked like a big mass of fabric. She also sported flat, black, thick soled tennis shoes that looked to be about size 8. A black baseball cap rested on her long black hair in its usual backwards position. Her trusty skateboard was resting on its tail, held upright by her long, slender fingers.

Every child bore a scowl with varying degrees of success. Ryan was probably the least successful of all, her dancing blue eyes and microscopic smile giving her away.

Jamie stared at the picture for so long that her eyes became dry. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything more precious,” she finally said, looking up into Ryan’s bemused eyes.

“Precious?” she squawked. “I look like a…I don’t even know what I look like!”

“You look just like a tiny little seed of who you have become,” she said with a voice full of wonder. “Look at yourself!” she urged excitedly. “You look so confident and strong! Those boys weren’t leading that little group…you were! That’s completely obvious,” she announced. “And even though you were trying to look tough you still have that terribly gentle spirit, just oozing out of those blue eyes. See it?” she demanded.

Ryan gazed at the picture and then turned back to her friend. “Are we looking at the same picture? I just look like a little hoodlum!”

“Not at all!” Jamie cried. “I would have killed to be able to hang out with you for just a day! I bet you guys had more fun in an afternoon than I did in a year! This is what being a kid should be, Ryan,” she cried. “Testing your own capabilities; learning to interact with other kids; trying to look outrageous! That’s the essence of youth!”

“I guess I see your point,” she said slowly. “Da let me test myself constantly when I was little. I don’t think I ever got in trouble for trying something stupid. He only got mad when I did something that could hurt someone else, like taking over those handicapped ramps. He really let me be who I was even though I’m sure he was constantly worried about me. That really was a gift,” she reflected somberly. “I hope I can do the same for my kids.”

Jamie wrapped her arm around her friend’s sturdy waist. “You’ll probably be completely overprotective,” she teased.

“Hmm, maybe,” she allowed reflectively. “But I don’t think so. I want my kids to experience the freedom that I had. It’s what allowed me to dream,” she added with a small smile.

As she closed the book and replaced it on the shelf she turned to her friend and announced, “Now it’s time for you to dream, Pal. To bed with ‘ya.”

The walk, or the climb, as she referred to it, had really relaxed Jamie and she felt ready to sleep. She went to the bathroom to put on her pajamas and when she returned she was pleasantly surprised to see a grinning Ryan, sitting on the bed, holding the bottle of massage lotion.

Jamie flung herself onto the bed, pulling her shirt up as she fell.

“I don’t want to force you….” Ryan teased.

As the strong, cool hands began to work their magic, Jamie closed her eyes and silently wished that one day those hands would know her completely.

***

The next few days were not pleasant ones for Jamie. Cassie and Mia were shocked at the breakup and had both insisted on a long recitation of the events leading up to it. Jamie was tired of talking about it, but after the whole story was out, Mia was very supportive. Cassie was less so, but Jamie had a feeling that even she felt a little guilty about the role she played in the scenario.

She decided to tell her parents in person. On Tuesday afternoon she drove down to the Peninsula, arriving just after her father had returned home. She had never come down on a weekday and when she thought about it, she had never come down unannounced. Her parents were obviously quite surprised to see her and they both seemed a little anxious so she immediately launched in to the reason for her visit. She told them most of the story, omitting, of course, the role that Ryan had played. She talked more about the difficulty of being apart during the week, of Jack’s intense schedule, and of her own doubts about her commitment.

To her amazement, her parents were completely sympathetic. It was obvious that her father was saddened by the news since he had grown quite fond of Jack. But she had tried her best to remove any animus towards Jack when she described the reasons for the breakup. They both seemed to agree that even though he was a wonderful young man, Jamie was probably not really ready to make a permanent commitment. Catherine in particular, seemed relieved that Jamie would not be tied down at so young an age.

As she was leaving, her father walked her to the car. “Was part of this because of your friend, Jamie?” he inquired with a touch of hesitation.

“Yes, Daddy, it was partly that,” she admitted.

“It seems odd to me that Jack would be so bothered by that, but maybe that was just a sign that he wasn’t ready either,” he reflected.

“I am so happy that you and mother are so supportive of me, Daddy. I can’t thank you enough,” she said sincerely.

“I love you very much, Jamie. I’ve always been proud of you and the way you’ve handled this makes me that much prouder,” he said with a smile.

“I want you to promise me that you won’t treat Jack any differently, Daddy. I don’t want this to interfere with his job opportunities.”

“I don’t mix business with emotions, Honey. Jack will be a good lawyer and we’ll be lucky to land him. Don’t worry about that,” he said as he kissed her cheek.

***

On Wednesday morning Jamie sat in a long hallway waiting for Linda Levy’s office hours to begin. The professor came strolling down the hall and waved a friendly greeting. “Hi Jamie,” she said. “Sorry I couldn’t see you earlier in the week. Come on in and tell me what’s on your mind.”

“I need a referral for a therapist, and I thought you might be able to refer me to someone good,” she related, a bit hesitantly.

“Sure, I know a lot of therapists in the area. Would you feel comfortable telling me what types of issues you need to deal with?” she asked.

“I’m just having some general growing up issues. I’m having a little trouble with my parents,” she said as she stalled for time. “And I think I might have some issues with my sexual orientation,” she finally got out.

“Okay, I know a lot of people that could probably help you. Is cost a factor?”

“No, not really,” she admitted.

“Do you have a preference for any particular type of therapist, like a psychiatrist or a psychologist?”

“No. I just want someone I can relate to,” she said.

“Do you care if it’s a man or a woman?” she continued.

“I think I’d like a woman,” she blushed as she heard her double entendre.

Linda grinned back at her and looked through her address book, finally jotting down 3 different names. “I’m going to refer you to a psychiatrist, a psychologist and a clinical social worker. They’re all good and I think you would like each of them. You can set up an appointment with each if you would like to interview them or you can just pick one. Do whatever feels comfortable, Jamie.”

“Is there one of these women that you would recommend more highly than the others?”

“I know the psychologist pretty well. So I would say I know her style the best. I suppose she would be my pick,” Linda replied.

“Thanks a lot Linda. I really appreciate your input.”

“Any time, Jamie. If you ever need to chat on a non-therapeutic basis, I’d be happy to. I hope things work out well for you.” Jamie reached for the note but Linda held onto it tightly, drawing Jamie’s eyes to hers. “One piece of advice,” she said quietly. “You can never make a mistake by being who you really are, no matter how scary the truth might seem.”

Jamie nodded briefly and took the names from the professor. They shared a quick smile as Jamie left the office.

***

On Tuesday evening Ryan finished preparing the simple dinner that she and Conor were going to share. He finished setting the table and came back into the kitchen to help carry their plates to the dining room. “Boy, Tracy sure looked good on Sunday,” he said appreciatively. “She looks fabulous in that dark brown color. You should have her wear that color more often.”

“I don’t think I get to have input any more,” she said as she carried the last of the dishes into the room. “We broke up this afternoon.”

“What? I thought you were serious about her?” He had stopped in the center of the room, a big plate of pasta held in one strong hand.

“I was. But I finally realized that she wasn’t ‘the one’. So rather than wasting her time I told her the truth.”

“How did she take it?” he asked, remembering some of his more disastrous break ups.

“Fine. Actually a little too fine,” she admitted with a smirk. “She told me she loved me on New Years Eve so I thought this would be hard on her. But she took it like a trooper.”

“That’s kind of weird,” he agreed. “But why did you break up with her? She was pretty, smart, funny and very sexy. Well, she looked sexy,” he grinned. “But you’d know better than I.”

“She was all that,” Ryan agreed. “But she didn’t really like the amount of time I spend with the family. She said she loved me but she wasn’t ready to love my whole family.”

“What is she, some kind of psycho?” he teased. “What’s not to love?”

“That’s how I feel,” she agreed with a smile. “But she was pretty reserved. I think we were a little overpowering for her when we were all together. And I quickly noticed that she doesn’t like to be teased. And as you know you can’t get through a dinner here without being teased 10 times!”

“Gee Ryan, did we contribute to your breakup? If you would have told us we would have laid off the teasing.”

“Nope. That’s not the kind of woman I want. I can’t be with someone that I have to be so careful with. But you know, if she had told me that she wanted to work on being more comfortable around you guys I would have made some concessions. But she just wanted to maneuver me into spending less time at home. And that was just not going to happen,” she said firmly.

Conor looked at her for a moment and said, “It’s too bad Jamie’s straight. She would be perfect for you.”

“Really? I thought she was perfect for you,” she dryly observed.

“Yeah, but I’ve never gotten any vibes from her. She treats me like an older brother. How about you? Any vibes?” he asked, mostly because he was interested, but partly to protect his $50 bet with Rory.

“Umm,” she started to say but her cheeks were rapidly blushing.

“I thought so,” he said slowly. “You two were acting awfully friendly when we went bowling together. So what are you going to do about it?”

“Well, she did a little something about it last week. But it was nothing huge,” she said defensively. “She got a little tipsy on her birthday and she kissed me. But we both just acted like it didn’t happen.”

“Again, what are you going to do about it?”

“Nothing,” she said quickly. “I have a firm policy not to date good friends. And Jamie is the best friend I have. I couldn’t stand to lose her companionship.”

“You know, Ryan, I’m certainly not the best person to give relationship advice but maybe you should change that policy.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Well, you claim you’re ready to find a real girlfriend. Why not get rid of 6 months of work and date someone you already know? You were with Tracy for 4 months before you found out she didn’t have some vital requirements. If you tried to make it work with a friend you could concentrate on the love and sex parts instead of having to get to know one another.”

“That might be a good idea in theory, but given my record all I would succeed in is losing her as a friend as well as a lover.”

“That’s not being fair to yourself,” he admonished her. “You haven’t tried to have many steady girlfriends.”

“That’s true but I just don’t think it’s wise to even consider Jamie. She’s ostensibly straight; she just broke up with her fiancé; and she’s my best friend. That’s an awful lot to overcome.”

“But you do find her attractive, don’t you?”

“I’m not blind Conor,” she laughed.

“So you would try to date her if you weren’t friends, right?”

“I’d be on her like green on grass,” she said with a sly grin.

“Well I still think you should consider what I said,” he urged.

“Hmm, I’ll give that some thought, Conor, but right now I’ve got to go make up for lost time,” she said with a wildly waggling eyebrow.

***

“Hi, Ally,” she said happily. “It’s Ryan.”

“Hey, gorgeous. Long time no see.”

“I’ve been out of circulation for a few months. Do you have any interest in helping me get back in the saddle?”

“I’ll be home by 8,” she replied immediately.

“Should I bring anything?”

“Just a hearty appetite,” she purred.

***

The next morning Jamie was waiting for Ryan after her 8 o’clock class. “I was going to ask you if you wanted to go get coffee, but I can see I’m too late,” she said as she pointed at the empty 24 oz. cup in her friend’s hand.

“I can use more,” she said as she shook her head.

“Are you okay? I know you were planning on speaking to Tracy and I was concerned that it might be hard for you.”

“No, actually we had lunch yesterday and we talked it all out. She admitted that she didn’t really have an interest in being part of my extended family. She said that she wanted to have a relationship with me, but that she wasn’t really ready for a big commitment thing. She said she probably doesn’t want kids either, so my suspicions were correct”

“So how did you leave it?”

“Well,” she blushed a little, “she was more than willing to have a little fling but for some weird reason it didn’t feel right to me.”

“Really?” she said happily. Maybe she’s getting this serial dating out of her system. Oh please, oh please.

“Yeah, it was really weird. Once I decided that I wanted a committed relationship with her just having sex didn’t seem that appealing. It felt like I would have been settling for something inferior.”

“Wow,” Jamie said. “Maybe you’ve really changed how you feel about sex. Maybe you won’t be satisfied without some substance in your encounters.”

“I think that’s a rush to judgment,” she admitted with another blush.

“Why? Are you already planning for your next victim?”

“Um…I had a date last night,” she admitted.

“Jeez, Ryan! You didn’t break up with her until noon. How did you find someone to go out with in an afternoon?”

“I didn’t really go out,” she revealed. “I called my friend Ally and she um…helped me…ahh…make up for lost time.”

“God, I bet Tracy would love to hear that!”

“She was really okay with breaking up, Jamie. As a matter of fact I got the impression that she was mainly interested in me to see if she could get me to be faithful. She was hardly broken up about it. It just made me realize that I can’t merely look at a check list of what I want in a woman. There just has to be some chemistry there, and I don’t think Tracy and I ever had that. We just really wanted different things from a relationship.”

“I’m sorry if I sound judgmental, Ryan. I think I’m just projecting how I’d feel if Jack had a date on Sunday.”

“I understand, Jamie. It’s hard not to apply other situations to your own. But believe me, Tracy didn’t cry herself to sleep last night.”

“And you obviously didn’t either,” she said as she gave her a mock scowl.

“Oh, I cried,” she teased. “I cried for mercy!”

***

Just after 8 a.m. Jamie and Ryan pulled into a parking space in Golden Gate Park. Jamie was riding in the back seat of Conor’s big crew cab, playing with a giggling Caitlin. Ryan hopped out and came around to the rear passenger door, and began to busily unstrap the baby from her car seat. When she was released Jamie held her while Ryan climbed into the bed of the truck by holding on to the top rail, stepping on the top of the big tire and throwing her leg over the rail. She picked up one bike at a time, lowering each to the ground to rest against the truck. Then she picked up the lime green baby carrier and did the same.

She spent a few minutes attaching the carrier to her bike, after playfully attempting to stick it on to Jamie’s. When everything was set they all put on their helmets. Jamie and Ryan laughed for a long while when Caitlin kept trying to see what was on her head by looking straight up. She finally satisfied her curiosity by reaching for the helmet repeatedly with her little hands. The baby had just celebrated her 6 month birthday and she was going to be put to the test. She had been in the carrier many times but the last time she was quite a bit smaller and Ryan was certain she did not remember the experience.

Caitlin was not at all sure that she wanted to get into the carrier by herself. She made some very serious baby faces but finally began to smile as Ryan started to pedal. The wind whipped by her little head and she giggled from the sensation of the movement and the gentle bouncing of the carrier on the pavement. Jamie stayed behind for a while to make sure that the baby was enjoying the experience.

“She’s loving it, Ryan!” she happily said as she came up alongside her companion. She continued this little switch for a long time. A few minutes behind or next to Caitlin, chatting with the happy infant and laughing at her joyous face; then a few minutes next to Ryan, excitedly describing the baby’s antics.

They rode through every available road in the park. After a good hour they both needed a rest. They left the park and rode a very short distance to a coffee house. Although they had eaten breakfast, they were both hungry now that it was after 9 a.m. Jamie offered to buy and she waited in line while Ryan took the baby to the restroom to check her diaper. When they returned, changed and happy, Jamie was waiting for them at a table in front of the window. Since Jamie was left to her own devices she had purchased 2 cranberry scones, a poppy seed muffin and a big cinnamon roll. Two very large lattés waited alongside the food. “Jamie, you’re finally starting to catch on,” Ryan said appreciatively. “You can never order too much.”

While Jamie ate her scone Ryan polished off the remaining 3 items. Caitlin sucked on her bottle and observed the other patrons from her resting place on Ryan’s lap. Ryan looked at Jamie thoughtfully and asked, “How did it feel to be back in the park?”

“It felt okay,” she replied after she took a minute to think. “I’m not sure how I would feel if we were sitting down like we were then. And I don’t think I could relax enough to sleep,” she admitted.

“How do you feel about testifying?” she continued. “It’s coming up pretty soon.”

Jamie was well aware that they were scheduled to testify at the trial of her attacker in 2 weeks. “It’s kind of weird for me. I mean I didn’t see him until after it was over, and he was unconscious, thanks to you.” She shivered a bit as she said,” I’m not nervous about the actual trial or anything, but I don’t like to have to talk about the whole thing.”

“I know what you mean. It’s not my favorite thing to think about either,” she said slowly.

“Does it still bother you, Ryan? I mean, I know you had trouble sleeping for a while. Are you okay now?” she asked gently as she touched Ryan’s hand.

“I’m mostly fine,” she said. “Every once in a while I have a flashback though. It still scares me a little bit,” she conceded.

“Tell me what bothers you,” Jamie coaxed her friend.

“I flash back to the helpless feeling that I had when I thought he was going to drag you into the woods. I knew I couldn’t put the baby down in case he was working with someone. It might have been a ruse to steal Caitlin,” she smiled down at the gurgling baby on her lap. “But I also knew that I couldn’t take her with me if I had to run after you. I couldn’t risk getting her injured,” she shook her head at the memory. “It was just the most awful feeling of powerlessness. I knew I could stop that guy in a second but I couldn’t risk it, ” she said as she stared at her hands. “I don’t think I could have lived with myself if he had hurt you, Jamie,” she said softly.

Jamie smiled at her in sympathy. “Sometimes I forget that this whole thing is probably harder on you than it is on me,” she said gently. “You saw everything and you had to make the hard decisions.” She gripped Ryan’s hand now, “If anything had happened, it would not have been your fault, Ryan. You did everything just perfectly. When you are trusted with the care of a child she has to come first. I would have been very angry with you if you had not secured her safety first. But you know, I’m still impressed by the hurt you put on him. Tell me about your training.”

“When I was about 12 I started taking martial arts. Da was worried about me, justifiably, as it turns out. I ran around all over the city on my skateboard and I had many opportunities to get into trouble. I studied for about 6 years and I was pretty good,” she reflected. “I haven’t had to use it in a long while, but I did teach a kick boxing class at my old gym.”

“You know, I might feel more confident if I learned some self defense. What do you think?” Jamie asked.

“I think that anything that empowers a person is a good idea,” she replied. “That would help your physical preparedness. But what about your emotional health? Have you considered talking about it to anyone else?” Ryan asked.

“Funny you should ask that,” Jamie replied. “I had my first appointment with a therapist on Friday morning.”

“To talk about the attack?” Ryan asked.

“Um…I guess that is a part of it. I need to talk about Jack and my parents and a bunch of stuff that’s been on my mind.”

‘How did you decide to try this?” Ryan inquired.

“My grandfather actually persuaded me. He didn’t like all of my weight loss and he thought that a therapist could help me be less nervous.”

“Was he able to recommend someone to you?” she asked.

“Um, actually I asked Professor Levy for a referral. I mean, I know she knows people in Berkeley so I thought it would be easier.”

“So, what did you think? Did you like him or her?” Ryan asked.

“Yeah, I did like her. Her name is Anna Fleming and she seems pretty cool. She’s down on Telegraph by Andronico’s.”

“I hope she can help you get rid of some of your stress,” Ryan said as she patted her hand. Just then Caitlin let out a yell that drew the attention of the entire store. “I think Caitlin has been still long enough. Ready to go?”

“Yep, let’s go.”

***

As they rode along Jamie brought her bike alongside Ryan for a little while since Caitlin was sound asleep in her carrier. “Have you ever been in therapy, Ryan?”

“Yeah. I’ve had short term counseling a couple of times to get me through some rough periods. After my cousin Michael died I had a really hard time. He and I had always been close, but we got a lot closer during his illness. I tried to go see him every day after school and help out in any way that I could. I think I believed that if I worked hard enough, and we all did everything possible that we could save him. In retrospect I think I was re-experiencing the trauma of my mother’s death.” She looked over at Jamie with her big blue eyes clouded over with grief. “I had a hard time eating or sleeping for a long time. Da didn’t know what to do, but luckily someone from the S.F. Aids Foundation referred us to a grief workshop for kids. I went for almost a year. I can’t tell you how helpful it was to talk to other kids who had lost someone to AIDS. Most of the others had lost a parent, and some of them had lost both parents.”

“God, I can’t imagine how horrible that would be. To watch your parents just waste away,” Jamie said empathetically. “Wasn’t it tough to listen to that?”

“Yeah, it was really hard. But some weeks the only peace I got was at that meeting. It was one of the most worthwhile things I’ve ever participated in.”

“I’m really glad it was available to you,” Jamie said. “I hope therapy works for me, but I guess it will take a while to adjust to it.”

“I’m glad you’ve decided to do it, Jamie. You’ve had an incredibly stressful year and it just makes sense that you might need some help to get through it.”

“You’ve helped me more that I can say, Ryan. You’ve really been my rock and I thank God every day that I have your friendship.”

“I do that too,” Ryan admitted with a shy grin.

“What?” Jamie asked.

“I thank God for your friendship every day,” she said. “You’re part of my roster now.”

Jamie beamed over at her for a moment as she said, “Best team I’ve ever been on.”

***

Two weeks later they emerged from the rather stately entrance to the Superior Court of San Francisco. The entire day had been consumed by the ‘hurry up and wait’ atmosphere of the trial and for reasons they couldn’t understand the prosecutor stuck the policewomen in between them to testify, forcing Ryan to hang around for an additional 4 hours to wait for Jamie.

“Well, at least we’re done with it,” Ryan observed as she filled her lungs with the cool, moist fresh air.

“I don’t know what you’re planning on doing for a living but you should consider becoming an expert witness in whatever it is,” Jamie told her with admiration. “You were just phenomenal.”

“Thanks,” Ryan said, blushing a little. “I wrote down a very detailed description of what happened that day right after we got home. It helped me sort things out a little. I’ve reviewed it a couple of times when I was having problems sleeping…in a odd way it calmed me down…so the details were pretty well set in my mind.”

“I sounded like the village idiot compared to you,” Jamie smirked. “The jury must have thought I had brain damage.”

“I think they understood that it’s a little hard to remember details when you’re unconscious,” Ryan teased. “I think you did great.”

“I guess we just have to hope we convinced them,” she said soberly. “I want him to be put away for a very long time.”

“Well, we should know within a couple of days. The prosecutor thinks they’ll have a verdict by tomorrow or the next day. Do you want to know what the outcome is?”

Jamie thought for a moment as she leaned against the large base of a statue near the front steps. “Surprisingly, I don’t. I don’t think they can put him away long enough to suit me, so I think I’d rather assume the best. How about you?”

“I’m interested, but only so I don’t have to worry about him for a while. I see him in my dreams enough without being worried about seeing him on the street,” she said as a shudder raced up her spine.

“I’m so sorry that you’re still bothered by it,” she said softly as she leaned in to wrap Ryan in a gentle hug. “I hardly think about it anymore, thanks to you.”

“I’d trade a lifetime of nightmares for your safety,” Ryan said softly, right into her ear.

***

Jamie had been seeing her therapist for 3 weeks when she finally had the nerve to bring up her sexuality. Since cost was not an issue they had decided that twice a week sessions were a good idea, at least until Jamie felt some relief. After only 4 sessions she actually felt significantly better. But she had spent nearly all of those sessions talking about Jack and her distress over the breakup. Now it was time to open up fully.

After 7 sessions she finally broached the subject. “There’s something that’s bothering me, Anna,” she said hesitantly.

“Tell me, Jamie,” she replied neutrally.

“I think that I might be gay,” she replied as she stared at the pattern on the rug.

“What makes you think so?” Anna asked.

“I’m incredibly attracted to my closest friend, Ryan,” she revealed. “I haven’t told you the whole story about why Jack and I broke up,” she admitted shyly.

After going through the entire story Anna asked, “Have you ever acted on any of your feelings for Ryan?”

“Sort of. On my birthday I gave her a kiss on the lips,” she replied.

“How did she react?”

“We both acted like everything was normal. But right after that she said she thought we should leave because we were both a little drunk.” After a moment she added, “Maybe it made her uncomfortable.”

“Did she act any differently towards you after the incident?”

“No, not really. She’s pretty much the same.”

“So it must not have bothered her too much,” she observed. “Do you want to pursue her, Jamie?” she asked.

“I really think I do, Anna. But I just feel so overwhelmed by everything that’s happened. I’m afraid of what I’ll do if she isn’t interested.”

“Is there any reason that you feel compelled to do something right now? Or could you wait a while until you feel more grounded?” she queried.

“I guess I’m not in a rush,” she said as though this were the first time she had considered this. “She just broke up with someone and I don’t think she wants to get into another relationship right away. You know, it makes me feel better to think that I don’t have to hurry.”

“You might feel better if you resolved some of your feelings about Jack before you put all of your energies into connecting with another person, Jamie. And I think you would be more clear on what to do about Ryan if we spend some time really exploring your feelings.”

“So you would recommend that I not tell her about how I feel right now?” she asked.

“My recommendation is that you keep your life as simple as possible until you’re sleeping better and able to eat. If expressing your feelings to Ryan would cause more stress, I would advise against it for the time being,” she replied.

“Well, given that I feel 100% better already I guess that’s good advice,” she replied happily.

***

Ryan was finally able to fulfill her long standing promise to take Jamie to hear Rory’s band play locally. On that Friday evening Jamie drove over to the O’Flaherty house at 6 p.m. Everyone was there and dinner was a boisterous affair with lots of teasing and boasting from the boys. Rory left at 6:30 to get ready for the performance.

At 8 o’clock they left in several cars to hear the band play at Molly McGuire’s, a local pub where they played frequently when in town. Jamie was really looking forward to hearing Rory and his band mates. She didn’t know a thing about traditional Irish music, but she assumed she would love it because Ryan did.

There were 5 members in the band. Rory played keyboards and accordion, Terry played tenor and soprano sax, William played the fiddle and the violin, Mike played percussion and Dylan played bass. Shortly after they all arrived the band began their first set. Jamie was charmed by the very accomplished musicians. Most of the melodies were light and melodic, although the lyrics to nearly every song were sad or downright tragic. All of the band members sang, but Rory handled most of the lead vocals. He had a rich, mellow tenor which carried beautifully through the small room.

Jamie had been with Rory on numerous occasions, but she never would have guessed how much emotion he packed into his music. She was nearly brought to tears on several occasions by the expressiveness of his voice. After playing almost 15 songs the band took a long break. Rory came over to the table while the other musicians went outside to smoke.

Rory sat in the glow of the compliments being sent his way. Jamie was effusive in her praise and he soaked it all up happily. He asked her which songs she had most enjoyed. She thought for a long while and finally admitted that she liked the more poignant ones the best. They all laughed at this and asked her which songs had been happy. Together they went through the list; losing the farm, losing children to war, being forced to marry for money, having your lover stop seeing you because you were poor, and having your mate lost at sea. After much discussion they all agreed that every song had been sad in some way or another.

Finally Conor asked Ryan to get up and sing a happy song for the crowd. Jamie chimed in, “I didn’t know you sang in public, Ryan!”

Rory replied, “She could make a good living with music if she wanted to, Jamie. She’s probably the most talented of all of us.”

Ryan blushed a bit at this praise but she admitted that singing for others was not a driving force for her. “I like to sing for myself mostly,” she admitted. “I don’t mind singing in public once in a while, but it’s not something that I love enough to do every day.”

“I would love to hear you Ryan,” Jamie begged. “Please?”

“Okay, okay. You know I can’t turn down begging,” she grinned. Since the band was still on their break Brendan agreed to accompany her on the guitar. They discussed what songs to play and finally settled on two favorites. “You asked for it, Jamie,” she said with a smile as she got up.

She was wearing her deep red Angora turtleneck and a pair of soft black slacks. Her hair was loose around her shoulders and she had just a few wispy bangs touching her forehead. Brendan grabbed an acoustic guitar and adjusted the strap. When he was ready he introduced himself. There was a single spotlight shining on Ryan as Brendan introduced her as the most beautiful and talented of the entire O’Flaherty clan. She beamed back at him as he began the first chords to the song they had chosen.

The spotlight highlighted the mahogany and gold tones in her raven hair. Her cheeks were pink from the warmth of the room and her eyes sparkled and danced in the bright white light. She looked entirely at ease as she sat on a tall stool with the heels of her loafers hooked over a rung. Her posture was upright and poised but very casual. She looked as though she was singing in front of very close friends at her home.

The song they had chosen was, in fact, rather happy. In her smooth, clear alto Ryan began to sing,

“First when I came to the town, they called me young and bonny,

Now they’ve changed my name, call me the Lee boys honey.

I’ll dye my petticoats red, and I’ll face them with a yellow,

I’ll tell the Dyster lads, that the Lee boys I’ve to follow.”

Several things impressed Jamie immediately. First, of course, was the sheer beauty of Ryan’s voice. The music seemed to flow from her effortlessly. She almost seemed to be talking rather than singing. The second thing was the girlish smile and body language that Ryan had appropriated to sing the song. This was clearly a song about a young heterosexual girl and Ryan had the ability to adopt that demeanor to sell the lyrics. The final impressive element was Ryan’s ability to just have fun with this. She even shot Jamie a cute little smile when she sang the next line:

“It’s over hill and dale, and over dykes and ditches,

Say, will I like the lad, that wears the moleskin britches?

The black horse draws the cart, and she’s as proud as any

Say will I like the lad that drives him on so canny?”

“Feather beds are fine, painted rooms are bonny

But I would leave them all to jog away with Johnny.

Oh for Saturday night, it’s I that’ll see my dearie

He’ll come whistling in when I am tired and weary.”

“First when I came to the town, they called me proud and saucy

Now they’ve changed my name, call me the Lee boys lassie.”

Jamie was easily able to believe that Ryan could be the Lee boys lassie. But for a genetic difference she could easily be the girl that boys fought over. She could be sitting in her house on a Saturday night waiting for her Johnny. Jamie was never so glad that homosexuality existed. It gave her a fighting chance to one day know the love of this woman.

***

Conor and Rory sat behind Jamie casually watching both their sister and her friend. Conor had told Rory of his conversation with Ryan and they had decided to determine if there was any mutual interest on Jamie’s part. Even though Conor doubted that he would win the bet he offered to double it. But Rory held firm. At the end of the song they both looked at the expression on Jamie’s face. It was a mixture of love and desire with a good measure of pure worship thrown in. Rory smiled sweetly at Conor as he held out his hand. Conor reached into his wallet, pulling out two 20’s and a ten that he slapped onto the table.

***

Later that night, Ryan walked her friend out to her car. Jamie lavished praise upon Ryan for both her singing voice and her stage presence. After discussing the band and the various members for a long while she could tell that Ryan was beat so she bid her goodnight.

As Jamie got into the car Ryan asked, “What are you doing tomorrow?”

“Uh…nothing. Why?”

“It’s Saint Patrick’s Day, lassie!” she announced in her lilting Irish accent.

“Okay…what are you doing?”

“I’m the barmaid at The Dubliner of course!”

“Since when do you work in a bar?!”

“I do it every St. Patrick’s day,” she explained in her normal voice. “If you’re free come over and have a pint. Conor and some of the cousins will be there to harass me of course, so it should be fun.”

“Is that the place right on 24th?”

“Yeah, but if you come be prepared for a huge crowd. It’s quite a zoo!”

***

Jamie didn’t want to be at the bar alone so she waited until 8 to head over. She had to park so far away from the bar that she wound up a block past Ryan’s house. My God, it’s never been this congested over here, she marveled. I guess everyone is out celebrating St. Patrick’s Day.

Her suspicions were confirmed when she tried to wedge into the bar. The rowdy patrons were packed in so tight she knew they were violating several city ordinances, but she assumed the local police turned a blind eye on St. Paddy’s Day. It took a great deal of patience and a few well placed elbows but she finally made her way near to the large wooden bar. She lucked out and found that the crowd had deposited her right next to a happy little group that featured Brendan, Conor, Niall, Kieran and Frank. “Jamie!” they cried, nearly as one.

The overly exuberant tone to their call indicated the advanced level of their inebriation but she gamely allowed each of the men to offer a hug and didn’t even complain about Conor’s rather sloppy kiss on her cheek. “How long have you boys been here?” she shouted over the din.

“We walked Ryan over at 5,” Brendan supplied. “What time is it now?”

“Almost 9,” she yelled in reply.

“No wonder I can’t feel me feet!” he marveled in his own little Irish accent.

Just then Jamie spotted her favorite barmaid. Ryan looked extremely attractive this evening, not that that was a news flash. But there was something about her that looked very different. It took Jamie a moment to realize that Ryan looked straight! It wasn’t just that her hair was held back with a braided green and white ribbon; it wasn’t that she was dressed in a form fitting emerald green knit vest sans blouse; it wasn’t even the fact that she wore a touch of makeup. No, it was the fact that she was acting straight and that, most decidedly, to Jamie’s keen eye, was a first. Ryan spotted her and gave a demure little wave along with a toss of her jet black hair. Jamie grinned and shook her head at the display, but when Ryan approached the man to her left she nearly fell from the stool that Brendan insisted she occupy.

“Evenin’ darlin’,” she announced in a rather dramatic, thick Irish accent, as she graced him with her most winning smile and a girlish batting of her eyes. “How can I help ya?”

The tongue tied man seemed as flabbergasted by the raven haired beauty as Jamie was but he managed to choke out, “Are you new around here?”

“Aye!” she cried. “Just over from Killala in Mayo!” She said this with such joy that it appeared she expected the man to be a relative from the old sod or at least a fellow Kilallan.

“Welcome to America,” he said dreamily. “Can I have a pint of Guinness and your phone number?”

“Ahh, go on with ya!” she cried. “You lads are all so friendly! I’ve had more good wishes and offers to show me around than I can count. Such a friendly place!” she said as she turned to draw his pint. Jamie noticed that her friend bent over just enough to show her best assets as she drew his stout, smiling that unnerving smile the entire time. She placed the pint in front of him and said coyly, “I’m not sure how long I’ll be stayin’ luv. It costs a pretty pence to stay in your lovely city. But if I can afford it maybe you can come ‘round some time, eh?”

He nodded as if in a trance, pulling out a $5 for the $3 pint and thanking Ryan profusely as he walked back to his mates, happy to leave the gorgeous woman a 66% tip. Ryan dashed to the register and rang up the $3 sticking two singles into her bulging back pocket. She trotted back and signaled to Jamie, “Meet me at the end of the bar!”

It was a tough trip but she made the short distance not too much after her grinning friend. Ryan dug into her straining pocket and handed the gob of slightly damp bills to her friend. “Keep my tips, will you?” she said right into Jamie’s ear in order to be heard. “It doesn’t look right to look like I’m doing too well.”

“Geez Ryan!” she cried. “How did you make all this?”

“An Irish accent, a tight sweater and a Wonder bra!” she laughed. “How else?”

“So you put on this act just to make money?” she asked, slightly incredulous.

“Mighty!” she agreed as she pinched Jamie’s cheek and trotted back to her post.

***

By the time Jamie made it back Conor had procured a perfectly poured pint of Guinness for her as well as another round for his drinking buddies. She had never seen any of the boys in their cups…had never in fact seen them drink at all except for bowling night. But she had to admit that they were a fun group of drunks. Conor especially was twice as charming, if a little sloppy. He tossed an arm around Jamie and held on to her for the duration of the evening. But after a while it became clear that he did so to maintain his balance as much as to show his affection.

The boys had been teasing and taunting each other mercilessly all night and Jamie found herself on the end of a few pointed barbs herself. But she didn’t mind a bit…in fact it made her feel like one of the group and she did her best to give as good as she got. She limited herself to two pints but that was more than enough to give her a very pleasant buzz. Her mind reeled at the thought of how the boys must be feeling since she had personally seen them each have 3 in the two hours she had occupied her stool.

When one patron got a little too enamored of Ryan she watched all of the boys give him a long stern look but they didn’t make an obvious move to deter him. Ryan took his wandering hands in stride, stepping quickly out of the way when he tried to grab a handful of her shapely butt. “I’m amazed you didn’t flatten him,” Jamie chuckled into Conor’s ear.

“Ahh, you can’t blame them, Jamie,” he explained rather expansively. “She looks like she wants them to grab her; she flirts with them constantly…hell, I’m half tempted to make a play for her!” He laughed at his own joke and nearly passed out in hysterics when he caught the look on Jamie’s stunned face. “I’m kidding, Jamie!” he howled. She slapped him lightly on the side and rolled her eyes in exasperation at his antics. But he leaned over as he pulled her tightly against his side. “How about you?” he purred rather seductively.

Her mouth grew bone dry as she stammered, “M…M…Me what?”

“Do you have an interest in my baby sister?” he asked in the same seductive growl.

“W…W…Why would I have an interest?” she stuttered weakly.

“I asked first,” he reminded her. “Come on now, you can tell Uncle Conor,” he crooned. “I promise I won’t tell.”

“I…I…I um…” she muttered, annoyed at her own inarticulateness.

“Um hmm,” he murmured, “Just as I thought.” Her rapidly blushing face and weakening knees caused him to pat her shoulder comfortingly and hold on a bit tighter. “There, there,” he assured her. “You could do worse than to fall for my sister, you know. And personally, I think she’d be a fool to let you get away.” He tilted his dark head down and rested it against Jamie’s for a moment. “You’re quite a woman, Jamie.”

She closed her eyes tightly and accepted the truth of his statement. But a relatively soft object hurled at her head at close range broke the moment. Turning faster than her slightly blurry eyes appreciated she whirled around to find a grinning Ryan tossing peanuts at her head from a dish on the bar. “Don’t encourage him, Jamie,” she warned. “He’ll follow you home like a lost puppy.”

“No problem,” she replied with a grin of her own. “I’ve always wanted a puppy,” she said affectionately as she teasingly petted Conor’s dark head.

“Well, don’t blame me if he starts humpin’ your leg,” she warned, accent firmly in place as she dashed down the bar to pour another pint.

***

Even though she had tried valiantly to leave several times Jamie found herself still in place as Ryan called out, “Last call, lads! Final pints!”

She lifted her arm to gaze in amazement at her watch which did, in fact, read 1:45 a.m. “My God,” she muttered. “How did it get to be so late!”

“And how did I get to be so drunk?” Brendan moaned, dropping his head into his hands.

“You are drunk,” Frank agreed, shaking his head and clucking in disdain.

“Can’t hold his liquor,” agreed Kieran, who was clearly as drunk as the rest of the boys.

“I’ve only had two and I can hardly talk!” Jamie moaned. “How will I get home?”

“Yer comin’ wit us,” Conor insisted in his own Irish accent. “As soon as we help the wee one wit her chores.”

Jamie watched in awe as the drunken OFlahertys got to their wobbly feet and gamely bussed the small tables around the still crowded bar. “Drink up, drink up,” Niall insisted as he walked from patron to patron trying to retrieve their still full glasses.

She hopped to her feet and went behind the bar to aid Ryan and the other two women in their daunting task of washing each glass that was returned. But many hands made short work of it and by the time Frank and Brendan rather forcibly ushered the last patron out at 2:15 the bar was clean enough for the professional cleaning crew that arrived every morning to clean the floors and the bathrooms.

Ryan walked and the others stumbled the few short blocks first to Frank’s home, then another few to Kieran and Niall’s. They arrived at the O’Flaherty house at 2:45, grateful for the fact that Martin was at work. Ryan guided Brendan to her father’s room and gave him a kiss on the cheek as he fell to the bed. Conor was able to make it all the way up to his room but he accomplished the feat by holding on to the banister for dear life.

Ryan tossed an arm around Jamie and guided her down to her bedroom. “So, did ya have fun?” she asked, back in her Gaelic persona.

“Yeah, very much so,” she admitted. “Your family is really a blast to hang out with, Ryan. And it was worth the trip to see you playing the coquettish straight girl,” she teased as she playfully backhanded her in the belly.

Ryan looked thoughtful as they reached the lower floor. “It’s fun for me to act like that once in a while,” she mused. “But I can’t imagine having to do that every day! I don’t know how some straight women keep that act up!” She held out her hands as Jamie started unburdening her pockets of the plethora of bills she carried. “Like you,” Ryan said as she started to sort the money. “You’re a straight girl and you don’t hardly ever seem like you’re putting on that ‘Oh you’re so cool and I’m such a helpless creature’ routine.” She looked up at Jamie who was choosing a t-shirt from the massive selection in Ryan’s neatly labeled drawers.

“Hardly ever?” Jamie asked.

“Well, I saw you do it with Jack that time I was in Palo Alto,” she mused. “But that’s the only time.”

“Hmm, I guess I don’t do it much,” she admitted. “But Cassie does it constantly,” she observed as she considered her circle of friends. “She acts like she’s got a brain stem injury when her boyfriend is around.”

“Well it’s nice that you don’t do it much,” Ryan observed. “It must be demeaning.”

“Well, you do some manipulative things to get women too, Ryan, don’t act like you don’t.”

Ryan looked up at her with a completely guileless look on her handsome face. “I don’t think I do,” she said. “Oh, I flirt and act a little more forceful than normal, but I don’t think I try to alter who I am or what my capabilities are,” she mused. “I just try to show my assets to the best of my ability,” she said with a wicked glare as she shook her shoulders and jiggled her breasts in an entirely provocative manner. “That kind of stuff is too easy,” she muttered disdainfully. “Women just don’t go for it.”

Some women do, Jamie thought as she quickly scrambled to the bed to avoid falling down.

***

After Ryan had methodically counted her booty they got ready for bed and hopped in together. “What’s up?” Jamie finally said after she felt Ryan toss and turn for long minutes.

“I don’t know. I guess I’m just a little worked up after tonight. I’ve having a hard time relaxing,” she admitted.

“Let me help you out for a change,” Jamie said as she reached down on her side of the bed and found the massage lotion.

Ryan smiled in the darkness and willingly rolled over onto her stomach. Jamie began to push her t-shirt up, but Ryan just reached down and yanked it off. There was no moon and the light in the room was too dim to make out anything but rough shapes, but Jamie was still a bit excited at the thought of Ryan’s half naked form lying right before her.

When Ryan rubbed Jamie’s back she usually straddled her waist. But she had always had sweats on. Jamie was only wearing a long t-shirt and her underwear. She considered her options; get up and put sweats on, sit next to Ryan on the bed, or jump on and hope for the best. She threw caution to the wind and hopped on. Thankfully, Ryan was still wearing her sweatpants, so when Jamie straddled her hips there was an adequate layer of fabric between them. Nonetheless, she found herself feeling a bit weak at the sensation of sitting on those softly muscled buttocks.

She hadn’t given many massages, but she had received hundreds during their travels in Europe. She knew what she liked and she assumed that Ryan would like a similar touch. She did her best to rub the strong back in a clinical, professional manner. But she failed miserably. She found that her hands were guided by an unseen force. They lightly and gently touched and rubbed and prodded the tense muscles. Her hands began to dig deeper into the tissue, eliciting a hiss of pleasure from Ryan. After that sensuous verbal cue she really got into the experience. After a while she had a difficult time feeling where her hands ended and Ryan’s back began. She felt so connected and close to her friend.

She was rewarded with occasional grunts of satisfaction when she hit a particularly tense spot, but her toes nearly curled when she touched a spot low on her back and Ryan let out a low, pleasure filled moan. Focus, damn it, she shouted to herself. After working for a long while the muscles felt smooth and pliable under her fingers. Ryan hadn’t made a sound for several minutes and her body was still and loose. Jamie finished up by touching her entire back lightly with just the tips of her fingers. She slid off the strong hips and was surprised when she felt no movement from her friend. She leaned over and heard rhythmic deep breathing and realized that she was sound asleep.

Oh, this is not good. Definitely not good. I don’t want to wake her to get dressed, but I can’t sleep next to her naked chest.

She fretted about the situation for a few minutes, finally deciding to be brave and try to get to sleep. She lay right next to her deeply sleeping friend, occasionally trailing her fingers down her lovely bare back. When her fingers strayed too far to the side she could make out a very sexy bulge where Ryan’s generous breasts had compressed. Try as she might she had a very tough time keeping that hand away from that gentle curve. Every nerve in her hand itched in anticipation but she clamped down on her raging impulses and forced herself to close her eyes. Eventually she succeeded and she fell into a deep, sound sleep.

***

Ryan woke just before 7. She was puzzled by several sensations. One was that she was in exactly the same position that she had been in for her massage. I never sleep on my stomach, she thought. Secondly, she was naked from the waist up. Did I take off my shirt? Oh, yeah, I took it off for my massage. Oooh, what a massage. I had no idea Jamie was that good. Thirdly was the warm hand of her masseuse resting low on her back, with a couple of fingers slid under the waistband of her sweats. God, this is a pleasant way to wake up. She wanted to just lie there and feel the connection. Why does it feel so good to have her touch me in such an innocent way? Geez! I don’t know if I can keep my wits about me this morning. Finally her good sense got in the way and she slowly extricated herself from the contact. As she rolled over she pulled the shirt on over her head.

Jamie was still just inches away. Ryan lay back and regarded her sleeping face in the morning light. The sun was just beginning to touch the pillow where her head rested. Her golden hair was mussed from sleep and tumbled in an attractive fashion around her face. The tips of her long dark blonde eyelashes were lightly brushed by the sun’s rays. Her smooth skin was beginning to take on a golden tone from all of the outdoor activity, and a few freckles dusted her nose. It was all that Ryan could do not to lean over and kiss each of those cute little freckles.

God, I wish she were a lesbian! It’s so frustrating to feel this way about her but not be able to do anything about it. But she knew that she could never do anything about it. It was one thing to take a lesbian friend and try to make her into a lover. But it was quite another to take a straight friend and try to turn her into a lesbian. Thanks Conor, thanks a lot! I’ve never thought of the possibility, but you had to put the idea in my head! She shifted a bit in frustration as she gazed at the peaceful face resting so close to her. God, I would love to touch her. She just looks so delectable lying there, all soft and smooth. And she smells so good, she thought. It can’t hurt to take a little sniff can it? she thought as she leaned over to inhale.

And was greeted by sleepy green eyes, smiling up at her sweetly. “Is it time to get up?” she asked through a yawn as she stretched slowly and thoroughly.

Ryan was having a hard time ordering her thoughts, but she finally replied, “Only if you want to. We’re not in a rush today.” With that she tousled the golden hair a bit and hopped out of bed. Definitely time for a cold shower thanks to you Conor, she muttered to herself as she closed the bathroom door.

***

After going for a brisk run with Duffy she stopped at her favorite coffee shop, ‘Martha & Brothers’, for a pair of giant lattés. She didn’t expect Jamie to be up for a while but knew that her friend would be in a much better mood if she had a big cup of coffee waiting for her.

As expected, the house was completely still when she entered. Since the morning was cool and her pace had been slower than usual she didn’t really need another shower. Sneaking back down to her room she grabbed a pair of sweat pants and a hooded sweatshirt and tiptoed back upstairs. She had to get dressed in the kitchen since every room was occupied but when she was finished she briskly towel dried her hair and went out to the front deck.

The fog showed no sign of dissipating but that fact didn’t bother her in the least. She actually had to admit that she preferred a cool, gray morning, a nice soft day as her Granny would say, to a bright, sunny dawn. Given her habit of running nearly every morning she welcomed the heavy damp air that the fog brought, and she always found that her times were better and she was more rested after a run in the fog. Her coffee was nearly finished and her perusal of the ‘Comical’, San Francisco’s daily joke of a newspaper was just about complete when a still sleepy tousled blonde head poked out of the front door.

“It’s freezing out here!” the grumpy little mole face groused.

Oh oh, Ryan privately thought. Somebody’s hung over. “It’s not too bad,” Ryan said as she rose to greet her friend. “Sit down and I’ll bring you a nice cup of latté and a blanket.”

Jamie didn’t reply to this thoughtful offer, she merely flopped down on Ryan’s now empty chair and waited for her delivery.

Well, I’ve become pretty adept at getting Caitlin out of her cranky moods. Now I’ll see how my skills work with a bigger baby. She dashed into the linen closet next to her father’s room and got out a soft cotton quilt that her grandmother’s sewing circle had made for her when she was a baby. Even though she was tiny the women had let practicality dictate and they had made the quilt fit a full sized bed so it was plenty big to wrap her grumpy friend up in. Trotting back to her charge she gently tucked the blanket around the shivering woman, receiving only a grunt of thanks.

Next came the coffee which she warmed in the microwave while she took out a big earthenware mug and ran some hot water through it so it wouldn’t chill the coffee. By the time she returned Jamie looked warmer but even grumpier as she waited for her caffeine boost. Hmm, this calls for drastic action, she decided.

Ryan sat down on the roomy padded chaise lounge and said, “If you come sit by me I can make your headache go away.”

“Who said I have a headache?” she muttered, staring into her cup.

“No one,” Ryan hastened to agree. “But sometimes I get one when I’m up late at night.” Especially when I’ve had too much Guinness, she silently added.

“Where do you want me?” she replied, none too happily as she tried to hold on to her coffee and her blanket.

Ryan spread her legs wide, placing her feet on the floor. She patted the seat in front of her crotch and said, “Come sit between my legs. I’ll hold your coffee until you’re settled.”

Jamie handed her the cup and climbed onto the chaise with her back to her friend. She settled the comforter over her body and held her hand out silently, indicating that she wished the return of her beverage. When Ryan was sure she was settled she brought her hands up and began a very light massage of her shoulders. “Tell me where it hurts,” she cooed into the nearby pink ear. “Here?” she asked as her fingers climbed the throbbing head and settled just above the neck. “Here?” she asked again as her hands moved to the area just behind her ears. “Or here?” as they moved to her temples.

“Yes,” her patient replied with a sigh. “Everywhere.”

“Okay,” Ryan soothed. “First I’m going to massage your shoulders and neck to get the blood flowing. Then, when you’re nice and loose I’m going to apply some acupressure points on your head. I guarantee that you’ll feel better in no time,” she announced confidently.

“Prove it,” the grouchy skeptic demanded.

Wow, tough crowd, Ryan mused with a smirk as she set to work. But she enjoyed few things more than a good challenge and she was determined to make her friend happy before the morning was up. She started off nice and slow and gentle, allowing time for deep sips of the steaming latté. When she could see that the cup was nearly drained she got a bit more aggressive and within minutes Jamie’s head was rolling around on her shoulders like a limp rag doll’s. When she had thoroughly relaxed her she started on the acupressure points. Working gently but firmly she applied pressure to all of the spots that she knew might be causing her friend pain. She compressed each of the major blood vessels for a few seconds and smiled to herself as the limp woman in her lap sighed with each release.

It took almost a half hour of determined work but she was amply rewarded when a very satisfied voice purred, “God, that felt divine. Thank you, Ryan. You’re the best.” She replied by beginning a very gentle head rub of the adorably mussed golden hair and within minutes Jamie was curled up against her chest, purring audibly. Watching her friend relax so thoroughly brought a wave of sleepiness over Ryan and before she knew it she felt her eyes begin to slowly close.

At 10 o’clock Conor stumbled onto the deck, stopping dead in his tracks at the sight before him. His sister and Jamie were sharing the same chaise; Ryan in the back with Jamie nestled between her legs. The smaller woman was slightly on her side with her knees drawn up and her head pillowed nicely on a plump breast. Ryan’s baby quilt covered them both and Ryan’s arms were loosely draped around her body in a protective embrace. Sweet smiles graced both sets of lips. That is about the cutest damn thing I’ve ever seen, he mused through his own splitting headache. But call me narrow minded…I’d be out of my mind if my straight girlfriend was curled up like that on her best friends lap.

Chapter 15

On the next Friday night Ryan pulled Martin’s truck up a fire road on Mt. Tam and parked. She and Jamie hopped out and began to unload their mountain bikes. Jamie had to admit to a little apprehension about this ride. A group of women met every Friday to ride and she had heard that the rides were pretty intense. But she had been riding her mountain bike around Berkeley for months now and felt pretty comfortable with it.

In February Ryan had spent long hours showing her how to shift her weight to climb curbs and small rocks and tree stumps. She had spent quite some time learning how to position herself in the saddle to go down a steep incline and was beginning to feel pretty confident. But she knew she was a rank amateur compared to these women.

Since it still got dark early they each had halogen lamps on their bikes. As an extra precaution Ryan had insisted that she wear a light on her helmet also. She wore long bike pants, heavy, off road bike shoes and a light nylon jacket over her jersey. Ryan had on similar attire plus a pair of clear polycarbonate wraparound glasses. When Jamie had inquired about their purpose Ryan had mysteriously answered, “mud.”

Jamie left it at that, figuring she would find out soon enough.

Ryan’s bike was a serious off road machine. She had switched tires on the bike, opting for a very aggressive tread pattern, just made for dirt. She greeted several other women as they drove up in their trucks, jeeps and sport utility vehicles. When they were a group of about 20 they took off. It was a fairly normal ride until they reached a small peak. Ryan turned around and said, “Don’t follow me,” with a wild grin on her face. She and another woman took off, pedaling furiously until they stood on the top of a set of very large boulders. Each rock was at least 20 feet tall, and they sat atop one another to form an outcropping almost 100 feet high.

When they reached the peak she and her partner gave each other demonic smiles just as Jamie wondered what on earth she was going to do. She found out a split second later as Ryan hurled her bike straight down the rock face. Jamie was too shocked to scream or she surely would have done so. Ryan and her friend catapulted down the sheer face at incredible speeds. They crossed paths as they came down in a zig zag pattern, much the way a skier descends a steep slope.

When they reached the bottom Ryan threw her head back and howled like a wild dog. She slapped hands in the air with her friend and as they rode back to the group they were laughing uproariously. When Ryan pulled up next to Jamie she smiled an enormous grin and proclaimed, “Sweet Jesus, that rocked!”

Jamie caught her infectious happiness as they sped along down the trail. They came to a small rocky creek that still had a decent amount of water flowing after the winter rains. The descent at this point was not too steep, but some of the rocks were rather large. Another woman came up to Ryan and slapped her hard on the butt. “Tag!” she shouted as she pedaled away right down the middle of the creek.

Within a heartbeat Ryan was on her tail. The creek curved down the mountain in such a way that it was possible to stand at the top and see the path of the water for a good 1/2 mile. Jamie scrambled over to the edge to watch the pursuit. Ryan flew down the hill, seemingly with no regard for her safety. Jamie’s heart nearly stopped beating when Ryan slipped dangerously at one point, but her incredible athleticism kept her from flying over the handlebars. She caught her assailant near the bottom of the creek, slapping her equally hard on the butt as she yanked her bike 180 degrees and began to climb back up the creek bed. The woman tried to keep up but Ryan had a good 10 yards on her by the time they reached the top of the hill.

Jamie was shocked when she saw her. She was dripping wet from heat to toe. Mud covered her legs and ran halfway up her back. But she wore the most blissful smile that Jamie had ever seen on a human being. “I won,” she said proudly.

***

The rest of the ride was a bit more sedate. Since it was now fully dark they stayed on the trail, although the dust from the dry earth stuck to Ryan’s wet body like glue. The ride was entirely uphill and by the time they made it back to the car they were all sweating heavily. Jamie had never felt so grimy, but she could only imagine how Ryan felt.

One of the riders called Ryan over and Jamie surreptitiously watched them speak. Jamie wasn’t sure which of the riders this was since it was so dark. But as some of the other cars turned their headlights on the pair was illuminated for a few seconds. The woman was a particularly striking Latina that Jamie had noticed immediately upon their arrival. She was very dark skinned, and had gorgeous jet black hair that went half way down her back. She had put it into a loose braid for the ride but she had shaken it loose while they spoke and it now framed her beautiful face. They were obviously well acquainted and they stood very close together as they spoke softly. The woman put her hand on Ryan’s cheek and she turned her head slightly and kissed her palm. It was unclear what the woman was asking but Ryan was gently shaking her head ‘no’. She reached into the woman’s SUV and pulled out a couple of wet wipes. She quickly wiped her own face and then delicately cleaned all around the woman’s mouth, trying to remove the caked on mud and dirt. When she was satisfied she leaned in for a few very friendly kisses. As she pulled away she started to turn but whirled around for another more passionate kiss. She reached up and gently touched the woman’s cheek, and then she turned and crossed back over the road to the truck where Jamie waited.

Most of the women were going out for a few beers. Ryan was tempted but she finally decided that she needed dry clothes more than a cold beer. “I’ve got to remember to bring a change of clothes next time,” she said as they pulled off down the fire road.

“Who were you speaking with?” she inquired as casually as she could muster.

“One of my friends. I should have introduced you,” she said quickly.

“That’s okay.”

When Ryan didn’t elaborate, Jamie persisted. “Are you close friends?”

“Pretty close,” she said noncommittally.

Jamie couldn’t take any more of this cat and mouse game so she blurted out, “Who the hell was that!?”

Ryan let out a deep laugh that rumbled through the cab of the truck. “I’m sorry, Jamie. I’m just playing with you. That was Alisa Guerra. She’s an assistant district attorney in The City and I’ve known her for about 3 years.”

“Were you an item?” she asked delicately.

“We still are,” she said smoothly. “Or at least as much of an item as we ever have been. She’s one of my long term buddies,” she explained.

“Oh, well, I’m not stopping you from seeing her, am I? I can easily head on home if you want to go out.”

“Nope. She wanted me to come over but I’m not in the mood. I’m really too tired for anything other than a warm shower and a soft bed.”

“Well, I should think so,” she agreed. Jamie studied her filthy form for a few minutes. Ryan still had an energized glow about her that Jamie found mesmerizing. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you be that wild,” she finally said.

“I don’t do it very often, but every once in a while I just need to blow off some steam. Riding up here is the easiest way I know to really clean out the pipes,” she said happily.

“You just seem so full of joy when you’re doing something crazy like that sprint down that huge hill,” she said with a shake of her head. “Aren’t you afraid to try something like that?”

“That’s the whole point, Jamie,” she replied with a confused little look on her mud spattered face. “It’s the fear that makes it hot. If you knew you were safe you wouldn’t get off on it.”

“Get off on it…” she mused, unconvinced of the sentiment. “Do you need that kind of excitement?” she asked with a bit of concern.

“Yeah, I guess I do. I’ve always been an adrenaline junkie. I was just like this almost every day when I was a kid. If some other kid dared me to do something I did it, no matter the consequences.”

“Is that what you mean by blowing off steam? Do your need to do this kind of thing or it just builds up until you can release it?” she inquired.

“Yeah, I guess it does. I’ve never thought of it in quite than fashion, but that’s a good analogy. If I don’t have some excitement in my life I get kind of anxious and I have to find an outlet,” she admitted. “It’s almost like a sexual release. As a matter of fact this is the first time I’ve been on a ride that I didn’t go home with Alisa. We don’t see each other a lot but we both get kind of hot after a really good ride.”

“Do you think your need for excitement is why you like to um…date lots of different women?” she asked, just a bit afraid of the answer.

“I guess that is part of it. I get bored easily and I need to have a different kind of stimulation, if you’ll excuse the double entendre,” she grinned.

“Do I ever bore you?” she asked hesitantly.

Ryan pulled the car over to the side of the road. She turned fully in the big bench seat and looked directly into Jamie’s eyes. “Never,” she said firmly. “I don’t know what it is about you, Jamie, but every time I’m with you it feels fresh. Sara was the only other person I’ve ever felt that way about. It’s funny but I was with Ally for a few days a couple of weeks ago. She is the most amazing lover,” she said appreciatively. “I mean truly amazing,” she repeated just in case Jamie missed it the first time. “But after being with her for 3 days in one week I had enough. It’s not that I don’t like her; I really do. And she is so totally hot in bed!”

“You mentioned that,” Jamie said dryly.

“Oh, right,” she said with a smirk. “Anyway, I was thinking about that since I had just broken up with Tracy. I thought, ‘Maybe I could make it work with Ally’. Conor had just given me this big talk about how he thought I should date a friend rather than a stranger and I mulled that over when we were together. But I had just seen enough of her after those 3 days.” She turned again to fully face Jamie. “That has never happened with you. Never. Other than my family, you’re the only person I don’t get tired of.”

Jamie was outrageously pleased to hear this information. She gave her friend a luminous smile and simply patted her leg as she said, “I’ve never gotten bored with you around either, you wild woman.”

***

When they arrived home Martin came out to the front porch to greet them. He laughed at the sight of Ryan and told Jamie, “She’s just lucky you’re here, Jamie. I used to take her out in the back yard and hit her with the garden hose to clean her off before I’d let her in the house.”

After a short lecture about contracting pneumonia Martin ordered them to enter the house through the door next to the garage to avoid tracking mud through the living room. Jamie was so exhausted that she gladly accepted Ryan’s invitation to sleep over. After two long showers they relaxed on the bed. “Thanks for showing me your wild child, Ryan.”

“Anytime, Jamie, anytime.”

As they settled down Jamie heard a sharp grunt as Ryan rolled onto her side. “What’s wrong?” she asked with concern.

“When I was going down that creek I almost lost it,” she admitted. “I yanked it out at the last second, but I felt something pop in my leg. It just pulls a little when I roll over.”

“Let me see,” she demanded as she switched the bedside light on. Ryan was wearing thin Royal Stewart plaid flannel pajama bottoms and a dark blue T-shirt. Turning her face to gaze at her friend for a moment she gently demurred.

“I think it’ll be okay, you don’t have to do anything.”

Jamie leaned over just a bit until she was able to face Ryan fully. She placed her hand on her shoulder and asked, “Why won’t you let me help if I can? You’re always so solicitous of me, and I’ve got to tell you, it feels great to be pampered a little.”

“I know it does,” she admitted as she obviously found it difficult to maintain eye contact. “It’s just that you might be uncomfortable with the location of the problem.” She quirked her mouth into a lopsided grin and rolled her big blue eyes just a bit when Jamie looked a little stumped.

Ryan was lying on her side facing her friend, who was lying in a mirrored position. She reached over and gently took her hand, bringing it behind herself and placing it on the abrupt swell of her right buttock. “It’s my hamstring,” she needlessly informed her. “And it’s really high, almost in my glute.”

Smacking her lips together to increase the flow of saliva the smaller woman took a deep breath and found the courage to say, “The offer still holds, Pal. A sore muscle is a sore muscle, no matter where it is. If it would help I’d be glad to work on it for you.”

With a dubious tilt of her head Ryan decided to take her friend at her word. She rolled over in the other direction until she was fully on her belly, arms stretched out above her head. “It’s right around here,” she said, indicating the general area.

She was terribly grateful that Ryan could not see her face, but she sucked it up and allowed her hand to explore the area. As she probed gently she heard a sharp intake of air pass through Ryan’s lips as she touched the spot. “Does it hurt a lot?” she asked as she gingerly touched the swollen muscle.

“It’s just tweaked a bit. I’m sure it’s nothing serious,” she assured her. “Start a few inches below the swelling and slowly work up to actually touching the tweaked muscle.”

“Okay, I can do that,” Jamie replied firmly as she tried to figure out how to position herself. Making a quick decision she patted Ryan’s left leg to indicate she wished her to move it away from her right. Once she did that Jamie was able to straddle the injured leg and work on the hamstring with a pretty good position. The pants were going to be an impediment but Ryan made no move to remove them to Jamie’s concurrent relief and disappointment. So she did her best despite the obstacles.

She decided to draw an imaginary circle around the injury and attack it from all sides before actually touching the sore spot. Regrettably, this called for a large amount of actually rubbing her friend’s smoothly muscled buttock. But she had made the offer and she felt obligated to perform the task without allowing herself to become sexually excited.

Working as gently as possible she began to knead all around the injury, never drawing closer to the actual spot. Her plan was to sneak up on it after relaxing all of the surrounding muscles. And her plan would have worked if the muscle was right on the surface. But it was not only high on Ryan’s leg…it was deep. In order to reach the surrounding muscles she had to exert a lot of pressure and after a few minutes Ryan mumbled, “You’re rubbing my skin raw.” She lifted up onto her elbows and reassured Jamie once again, “It’s okay, Pal. It’s just a tough one to reach.”

“We can do this,” Jamie insisted as she placed a hand on the small of Ryan’s back to hold her in place. “Lotion would help,” she suggested after she gave the issue some thought. But when she thought of how the lotion would have to be applied she began to regret her idea.

Ryan seemingly sensed her hesitation and she turned her head to gaze at her friend for a moment. “You sure?” she asked again.

Now feeling trapped Jamie felt her head move slowly up and down. But it was obvious to Ryan that she was struggling with the concept. But all at once the dark head bobbed up and down briefly as she scrambled off the bed. “I think an equipment change is in order.” She was standing in front of her underwear drawer as she made this declaration. After rummaging through the neat stacks for a moment she found what she was looking for as she held out a tiny black piece of material. “Better access,” she grinned as she went into the bathroom to change.

Jamie could feel her heart thumping through her chest so audibly that she feared Ryan could hear it in the bath. Please God, don’t let that be a thong! But alas her prayers were not answered. When Ryan emerged revealing a high cut black thong in a satiny material she could feel every bit of moisture leave her mouth and travel straight down to her groin. The look of terror mixed with lust must have been evident for Ryan stopped in her tracks and asked, “Is this okay? Um…It’s all right if you don’t want to do this, Jamie.”

“NO! No, really,” she insisted. “I uhh just didn’t want to get anything on those,” she fumbled. “They look really…uhh…nice.”

“Oh,” Ryan said as she looked down at herself. “Thanks. I never wear them for long,” she laughed. “They’re more of a prop than anything.”

“A prop?”

“Yeah,” she said with a chuckle. “My friend Ally likes things like this. Although she never lets me leave them on for long.” Ryan found this fact quite humorous but Jamie could not loosen up enough to find humor in anything right then. She needed every bit of her strength and concentration just to stop her hands from shaking.

Ryan climbed back onto the bed, once again face down. This position did nothing, however, to alleviate Jamie’s discomfort. She hadn’t realized it until just that moment but she discovered with a gut clenching jolt that she was inordinately fond of Ryan’s butt. Ryan’s rounded, incredibly firm, finely muscled, smooth, creamy white butt, that is. And to have that perfectly shaped derriere placed right in front of her eyes for her shaking hands to massage was too much for her racing heart.

She nearly stumbled as she got to her feet but she managed to right herself as she declared, “That ride really dehydrated me. I’m going upstairs for a drink. Need anything?” One foot was on the lowest step by the time Ryan could reply but she managed to respond, “Uhh sure, a little water or Gatorade would be good. You sure you don’t want me to go?”

“No, no, I know my way around,” she assured her as she scampered up the stairs. Luckily she was modestly dressed in the roomy top to Ryan’s pajama bottoms along with her own panties because she ran into Conor sitting on a stool in the kitchen, reading the paper.

“Hello there,” he rumbled, looking her up and down briefly. “Nice outfit by the way,” he added with a twinkle in his bright blue eyes. “You should wear that type of thing more often.”

“Thanks,” she blushed, suddenly feeling very exposed even though the top covered her body almost to her knees. “It’s your sisters,” she explained needlessly. “We went on a big bike ride up on Mt. Tam and I was too tired and dirty to go home.”

“Ohh, riding with the big girls, are you?” he chuckled.

“Yeah, and I did pretty well, if I do say so myself. Of course, I could never keep up with Ryan. She’s amazing.” She walked over to the refrigerator and peeked at the contents. “What are you doing down here?”

“Oh, I had a long meeting with some thick headed clients. Ruined my whole evening. So I thought I’d at least have a beer and read the paper before I went to bed.”

She turned and eyed his dark creamy looking beer in the very large glass. “What is that? It looks delicious.”

“Murphy’s stout,” he proclaimed as he held the glass out. “Have a sip.”

All of a sudden the thought of alcohol was very, very attractive. She reached for the heavy glass and took a long gulp. Wiping her mouth with the back of her hand she pronounced, “Now that’s a beer!”

“Have one with me,” he urged. “Ryan won’t miss you.”

“I’d like to,” she prevaricated. “But Ryan hurt her leg and I promised I’d give her a massage after I got something to drink.”

“Well, if you had a wee one with me you would be getting something to drink,” he said in his most seductive voice.

“You know, a little alcohol might make her leg relax. Would you pour one for us to share?”

“Geez,” he grumbled as he got to his feet and retrieved another pint glass from the cabinet. “Even the straight girls won’t give me a chance!”

Jamie read his teasing as just that and as he finished pouring the big can into the heavy glass she stood on her tip toes and kissed him on the cheek. “You’re irresistible and you know it, Conor O’Flaherty.”

He graced her with a big smile and a gentle one-armed hug as he handed her the glass. “Go take care of your patient,” he ordered. But as she started from the room he asked, “She’s not hurt badly, is she?”

Looking over her shoulder she gave him a grin and reminded him, “It takes more than old Mt. Tam to get the best of your little sister.”

***

She was a good bit more relaxed as she made the turn to descend the stairs but just for good measure she slugged down at least ş of the pint on the short trip. Ryan was just where she had left her, lying on her tummy with her arms extended. She was obviously very relaxed, but Jamie could still see the muscular tension in her powerful thighs and butt. “Where’ve you been? I was about to come looking for you.”

“Oh, Conor was upstairs and he talked me into having a short one with him,” she said airily. “I brought a pint down for us to share. I thought a little alcohol might help relax your leg.”

“Hmm,” she speculated as she rolled onto her side and supported her head with her hand. “That might be the key to increasing my massage business. ‘Have a pint and a rub’.”

“I think they already have that in The Tenderloin,” she scoffed, mentioning the city’s notorious ‘sin district’.

Ryan held out her free hand and grasped the glass, giving first it, then Jamie a speculative look. But she did not comment further about the large missing portion, easily matching the amount Jamie had siphoned off with one enthusiastic gulp. “Ahh, that’s smooth,” she murmured.

Jamie got up on the bed and took another hearty swallow. They passed the glass back and forth, drinking quickly and in silence, until it was drained. “I guess we were thirsty,” Jamie observed as she eyed the empty glass. “Care for another?”

But Ryan gently shook her head. “I’ll be pissed if I have more on an empty stomach.”

“Angry?”

“No, pissed,” she explained. “One of the many, many terms the Irish use for inebriation.” She rolled over onto her belly and turned her head to maintain eye contact. “Still interested?” she asked with one raised eyebrow.

“Yep,” Jamie bravely agreed as she resumed her former position. The stout had helped a bit, she was pleased to note, and her hands were hardly shaking as she poured a generous amount of massage lotion onto them. She delicately began to implement her former plan, again working around the perimeter of the obviously swollen muscle. Once again Ryan relaxed into the touch, controlling her breathing with deep, steady breaths, evidently to control the pain.

Jamie imagined that the distended muscle must be terribly painful but Ryan stoically allowed her to work, never even flinching at her touch.

As she got into her work she carelessly allowed her mind to wander, a very bad decision as it turns out. She allowed herself to actually realize that she was straddling her friend’s firm thigh with only her satiny panties between them. And the movement that she needed to press deep into the muscle caused that firm thigh to rub in a most delicious fashion against her throbbing vulva. At this point her only option was to distract herself. She tried everything. She thought of car crashes, world hunger, tornadoes, and pestilence. Nothing helped. She was only able to carry on by trying one of Ryan’s tricks. She focused her mind totally on Ryan’s leg. She rubbed, kneaded, stroked, tapped, fondled and petted that sinewy muscle all the way to the middle of her buttock. She had never been so focused on any task.

When she had done as much as she could for the injured muscle she spent a few minutes working on its twin. Small, satisfied grunts greeted her touch but she was so focused that she did not need feedback. When both hamstrings were loose she slid off and instructed, “Roll over for me.” Ryan did not question her plan, meekly complying with the edict. She began to work on the stressed quads, making both legs as pliable as possible. After a very long time of very loving connection she realized that she had not heard a sound out of Ryan for a long while. She abruptly lifted her head and she saw it: an unguarded look of pure desire on that beautiful face.

Ryan knew from the look on Jamie’s face that she had been caught. Nonetheless she tried her best to adopt a neutral expression as Jamie slid off her leg and lay down next to her. Without allowing herself to form a conscious thought Jamie placed her hand on Ryan’s soft cheek and turned her head until they were breathing the same charged air. As though guided by a magnetic force she dipped her head and closed her eyes as she began to place delicate kisses on her forehead, across her cheeks, her chin and even the tip of her nose. She pulled back for a moment to gather her thoughts and to her horror she saw not the desire of moments before, but wide eyed fear clouding that beautiful face. She shot bolt upright and leapt to her feet in a near panic. “Oh, God Ryan, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I thought…”

In the next instant Ryan was on her feet wrapping Jamie in a strong embrace, cooing into her ear, “It’s okay Jamie, it’s all right.” She rubbed her back and ran a hand through her hair as she continued to reassure her shaken friend.

Jamie was crying softly against her chest. “I’m so ashamed,” she whimpered. “I don’t know why I did that. I promised myself I wouldn’t….”

Ryan pulled back and stared at her shaking friend for a long minute, “What do you mean, you promised yourself that you wouldn’t?” she asked gently.

This brought on a new flood of tears as Jamie shook from head to toe. Ryan guided her to the bed and urged her onto her side. She got in right behind her and wrapped her arms around her quivering body, murmuring comforting words the entire time. After a few minutes Jamie finally had the ability to speak. “I am so sorry Ryan. I just assumed that you might feel the same way,” she murmured with her voice filled with grief.

“Is this something that you’ve felt before tonight?” Ryan asked softly.

“Yeah,” she said shyly. “It’s one of the reasons that I started seeing Anna. I was so confused about how I felt about you that I just needed to talk to someone about it. She told me I wasn’t ready to act on my feelings,” she said glumly. “I guess I should have listened, huh?”

Ryan turned her friend over so they were face to face. “Jamie, I want you to hear me carefully,” she solemnly intoned. “You are the most desirable woman I have ever been near. If we were not such close friends you would be on the way to your third orgasm right now.” She gave her a little eyebrow wiggle, “At least.”

This brought a little chuckle from Jamie as Ryan continued. “You just broke up with your fiancé 4 weeks ago, and it wasn’t your idea. You are under an incredible amount of stress and it’s manifesting itself in physical symptoms. Anna is right, Jamie, you need some time to know what you want. To introduce sex into our relationship could destroy it and I’m not willing to take that risk,” she said fiercely. She grasped Jamie’s chin in her hand and stared directly into her eyes, “You are far too precious to me to risk losing you over a passing urge.” Adding after a pause, “Even if it is the most tempting urge I’ve ever resisted.”

“So, are you saying that you might be interested in me if I was sure that this was what I wanted?” she asked timidly.

“If I could make you my lover, without losing you as a friend, there isn’t a doubt in my mind,” Ryan said decisively as she gently kissed her forehead.

“So what do we do now?” Jamie asked, afraid that the revelation alone might affect their friendship.

“We stay just like we are,” she soothed, gently stroking her face. “You continue on in therapy. You take as long as you need to figure out what you want. When you make up your mind, you just let me know. If you want me, I’ll be waiting for you. But if you don’t, I want you to feel like you can tell me. I want what’s best for you, Jamie. If you’re a lesbian I’d love to build a relationship with you. But if you’re not, I want to be your best friend for as long as you can stand me,” she said with a twinkle in her vivid blue eyes.

“You’d really be okay if I told you that I was straight?” she asked tentatively.

Ryan chuckled a little at the question. “I thought you were straight 15 minutes ago, Jamie. I think I’ve been getting by all right.”

She blushed furiously as she realized how her question had sounded. “No, that’s not what I mean. I mean could we go back to how we’ve been? Wouldn’t it change things too much once I’ve told you how I feel?”

“Not for me,” Ryan said firmly. “I love you, Jamie,” she said with a tear in her eyes. “Whether I ever express that love sexually is another issue. But no matter what, I love you. And if you are straight I want you to find a man who will love you like you deserve to be loved.”

“I love you too, Ryan. Very, very much,” she said as she closed her eyes and sank into a welcome hug. The hug turned into a full body cuddle and after a few minutes Jamie felt herself begin to relax fully. All of the sexual tension between them had dissipated and she felt herself drift off into a contented sleep just minutes later, relishing the feeling of being wrapped in that comforting embrace.

***

The following Friday afternoon Ryan returned a page between clients at the gym. “Hey, Ally,” she said when her friend answered.

“Do you have my phone number memorized?” she asked with a chuckle.

“Yep. I tend to remember things that I associate with pleasure,” she replied happily.

“I know this is late to ask, but would you like to have dinner with me tonight?”

“Dinner?” Ryan asked, a bit surprised.

“Yes, dinner. I know that’s not normally how we use our mouths but I want to talk to you about something.”

“Um, yeah, I can do dinner. But I have something to talk to you about too,” she admitted. “I’m not able to stay over tonight.”

“That’s okay, Ryan. I’m actually not calling for sex this time. I really want to talk.”

“Okay, what time should I come by? I’m off work at 5.”

“Just come over when you can. We’ll decide where to go when you get here.”

“Okay, see you then.” That’s weird. She sounded like she didn’t want to have sex. That’s a first!

***

At 6:15 they were seated at a casual little place in the Castro. The restaurant was small, rather dark and very quiet. Ally was obviously a regular since she was greeted by nearly every employee. They were shown to a small table in the back of the room where they could speak in private. After they placed their orders Ally cleared her throat and started to speak. “I…ah…I want to talk a little bit about some changes I’m making,” she finally got out. She looked very nervous and Ryan reached up to cover Ally’s cold hand with her warm one. She gave her an encouraging look, but didn’t respond verbally.

“I have decided to try to change some of my sexual um…phobias,” she said as she looked down at the table. “Um I have…some…issues that I…um,” she looked at Ryan helplessly as she was unable to find the words to express herself.

“It’s okay, Ally,” she said gently. “I know you’ve got some things that get in the way a little bit. Tell me as much as you want to.”

“Okay,” she said as she let out a breath. “I don’t know why I feel so nervous talking to you about this. You obviously know I have some hang ups,” she added with an embarrassed look.

“Everyone has some,” Ryan reassured her.

Ally looked up at her with a quizzical glance. “Even you?”

“Yep. Most of mine don’t come up when I’m with you, but I’ve got my share. My big issue is being in control. I normally can’t let anyone be in charge…it really freaks me out if someone is too aggressive.”

“Um, Ryan,” she said gently. “That’s exactly what I do to you.”

“I know!” she laughed. “But I swear you’re the only one! I’ll have you know that most people think I’m a total top!”

“You!? You’re the biggest bottom I’ve ever been with!” Ally cried as she howled with laughter.

“Hey! Keep it quiet! I’ve got a reputation in this town,” she scolded.

Ally laughed long and hard at this revelation from her friend. But it seemed to relax her quite a bit and when she resumed her story she was much more calm. “I know you’re pretty perceptive, Ryan. So I guess you’ve figured out that I was sexually abused.”

Ryan gave her a small nod as Ally continued. “My oldest brother raped me when I was 11,” she said softly. “He continued to molest me until I was 13. That’s when he left home to get married,” she said with a disgusted look on her face. “Anyway, there’s all sorts of reasons why I couldn’t go to my parents or anyone, but that’s not important right now. What is important is that I’m going to try to open myself up to be with one person. And because of that, I’m not going to have casual sex any more.” She looked up at Ryan and gave her a shy smile. “Even though I don’t want to stop, especially with you.”

Ryan gave her a luminous smile in return and squeezed her hand tightly. “I’m so glad that you’re trying to feel more comfortable with yourself, Ally. I think you’d be a wonderful person to be in a relationship with. And please don’t feel bad about us. I …uh…I wanted to tell you that you were right about Jamie, my straight friend. She’s not quite as straight as I thought,” she said with a deep blush.

“Ah ha!” she crowed. “I knew it! So are you two an item?”

“Not really. She made an overture but I don’t want to get involved until she works out some issues in therapy. She’s too important to me to ruin our friendship before she’s sure this is what she wants.”

“Anyone in their right mind would want you, Ryan,” she said sincerely. “You are one perfect little prize.”

“I don’t know about that,” she said as she blushed again. “But thanks for the compliment.”

“So do you think we could still see each other once in a while? I like you a lot, even outside of bed,” she asked with a very shy smile.

“I would love that,” Ryan said sincerely. “And I’m really honored that you called me to tell me this, Ally.”

“Well,” Ally blushed deeply. “I do like you a lot and I trust you totally, Ryan. I knew you’d be safe to talk with. But um…the other reason was that I didn’t want you to call me to have sex. I feel confident about this now, but I was afraid that an invitation from you would blow my resolve to hell!”

***

Through an unspoken but mutual agreement they didn’t speak of the details of Jamie’s progress in therapy. Jamie was pleased beyond words that the incident did not seem to have an effect on their relationship. Ryan treated her exactly the same as she had before and she felt herself settle back into their old patterns as well.

What impressed Jamie the most was how honorable Ryan was about the whole episode. She loved her all the more for her fortitude in being able to rebuff her advances in order to preserve their friendship. Even if we never become lovers, I know I’ll never have a better friend, she thought of her fondly.

Just as March was winding down Jamie asked her one day how she felt about baseball. “I would have to say that baseball was my first love,” she reflected thoughtfully. “Conor was a big fan and since I did everything he did I became one too. How about you?” she returned the question.

“Football is a much bigger deal for me but I like baseball a lot,” she replied. “How would you like to go to opening day next week?” she inquired lightly.

“Do you have tickets?” she inquired gleefully. At Jamie’s sly nod she enthusiastically accepted.

Jamie did indeed have tickets. Her father was a big supporter of the group that had bought the Giants from the Stoneham family years earlier. When the team was struggling just to draw 8,000 fans he had purchased 4 sets of box seats for the law firm, and a set for himself. He didn’t go to a lot of games, preferring to give the tickets to young associates and their friends. But he was always willing to let Jamie use them when she wished.

Since they had 4 seats it was obvious that they had to invite Conor, but they were not sure who the 4th should be. Martin had to work, and he would sooner die than take a day off for pleasure; Brendan wasn’t much of a fan; and Rory was out of town. Jamie asked Conor if he had a friend he would like to bring. “Sure, I’ve got dozens of friends and cousins who would love to come,” he said easily. “But it’s hard to choose just one. Don’t you have any great looking friends you could bring, Jamie?”

Jamie and Ryan looked at one another and laughed. “I’ve got one, Conor, but she’s a handful,” she replied teasingly.

“Bring her on Jamie. I’m up to the challenge,” he said confidently.

***

The game was on a Tuesday afternoon. Conor was going to work in the morning and Mia needed her car for an appointment in the city so Jamie and Ryan agreed to meet them in front of Gate A at 1:00 o’clock. The day was perfect for baseball. 75 degrees with a crystal blue sky and a light breeze off the bay. Jamie drove the Boxster down into the underground parking garage of her father’s law firm at noon. She hopped into the elevator that led to the main reception area where she patiently waited for him to come down. After a few minutes he arrived, with a big smile and a hug as a greeting. “I’m glad you wanted the tickets today, Honey. I like to think of you at the park on a beautiful day like this, playing hooky,” he teased. “It reminds me of my own misspent youth.”

“I really appreciate the tickets, Daddy. Thanks for saving them for me,” she said sincerely.

“It’s my pleasure, Cupcake. Hey, I’ve got mothers new car here. Do you want to see it?” he asked.

They went back down in the elevator together. He led Jamie to a brand new brilliant red Mercedes CLK320 convertible. She whistled appreciatively at the sexy car as she walked all around it, admiring it from all angles. “I didn’t know you were such a fan of cars, Jamie,” he said with a grin.

She blushed a little as she said, “I’m really not, but I’m taking Ryan and her brother to the game and they are both fanatics. I was just thinking of how much they would like this one,” she admitted.

He reached into his pocket and handed her the keys. “Take it, Honey. I’ll be here until at least 10 o’clock tonight. Bring it back on your way back to Berkeley.”

“Are you sure, Daddy? Would mother mind?” she asked tentatively.

“She barely knows which car is hers, you know that. Now go have fun. Feel free to let your friends drive, Jamie. I know the lure of a hot car,” he said knowingly.

***

She pulled up in front of Ryan’s home at 12:30. As was her habit she was sitting on the porch waiting when the new red car pulled up. “Hey little girl, want a ride?” she said seductively as Ryan trotted down the stairs.

Ryan’s mouth gaped open as she slowly walked around the car. She lightly touched the paint with loving hands as she made three complete circuits before she uttered a word. “Is this yours?” she finally said in wonder.

“No. It’s mothers’. Daddy is driving it while she’s out of town this week.” She turned off the car and got out to stand next to Ryan. “Wanna drive?” she asked with a leer.

“You’re kidding, right?” she asked as she gazed longingly at the keys dangling from Jamie’s extended hand.

“I would never kid you about something as serious as a car,” she stated seriously.

“Is it okay? I mean, this is your mom’s,” she warned.

“It’s fine, Ryan. Daddy insisted that I take it, and he insisted that you drive it,” she revealed.

That caught Ryan by surprise. “Did you tell him I was going?” she inquired, realizing at that instant that it was important to her that Jamie not be ashamed of their friendship.

“Yes, I told him that you and Conor were going and that you were both car nuts. That’s when he told me to take the car,” she said, proud of her own candor with her father.

“You know Jamie….” she began, but stopped short. “Never mind,” she added quickly.

“What were you going to say Ryan?” she inquired seriously.

“Um…I was going to make a joke about being your best friend again, but I just decided that our friendship means too much to me to joke about,” she replied frankly.

Jamie gazed up at her with respect and admiration, “You are just about the sweetest woman I’ve ever known,” she said slowly.

“Oh yeah?” she grinned as she snagged the keys from her outstretched hand and hopped into the convertible, “Let’s see how sweet you think I am after I peel the rubber off these tires,” she grinned as she laughed maniacally.

***

Ryan pulled into the line for valet parking as they approached the stadium. “I think I’m beginning to have a small appreciation for why rich people don’t give all of their money away,” she said thoughtfully. “Having money really does make life easier in terms of creature comforts. I don’t think I ever realized the seductive nature of it.”

“It really is seductive, Ryan. It’s so easy for forget how little most people have when you have a lot. You can be so insulated that you just never get in touch with normal people.” After a moment she added, “I hope that never happens to me.”

“I’ll give you a dose of reality anytime, kiddo. I’ll show you my bank statement if you really want a shock,” she teased.

***

After their car was taken from them they had just a short walk to the front gates where they saw Conor waiting. He was wearing faded blue jeans; a white golf shirt and an authentic Giants warm up jacket. Black wool with black leather raglan sleeves, with ‘Giants’ across the chest in bright orange script. “Gee Conor, you really do look like a fan,” Jamie said as she gave him a hug.

“I know the opening day roster of every team back to 1976, I’ll have you know,” he said with a grin. “Did you have a hard time parking? It really is a zoo here,” he said.

“No, we didn’t have any trouble at all, did we Jamie?” Ryan replied innocently.

“Spill it, Ryan. You never could keep a secret,” he said as he wrapped his arm around her waist and began to tickle her.

Through her giggles she admitted that they had driven the new Mercedes to the game. Conor was crestfallen. “I’ve never been in a CLK,” he moaned. “Could I come to the parking lot with you after the game to drool on it?” he begged.

Ryan took pity on her big brother and generously offered, “I’ll take your truck home and you can go with Jamie. I know how insidious the addiction is, and I empathize with you, Conor.”

He gave her a big kiss on the cheek while he hugged her soundly. “You are my absolutely favorite sister,” he enthused.

“Wow!” they heard from behind. They turned to see a startled Mia staring at them in shock. “There’s two of her!” she said to Jamie as she walked around the still linked siblings.

“I prefer to think there’s two of me,” Conor said smoothly as he released his sister and grasped Mia’s hand. “You must be Mia. I’m Conor,” he said as he shook her hand. Within seconds he was guiding her to their seats, with a strong arm loosely around her shoulders. “Keep up, you two,” he said as he turned around slightly to wink at Ryan.

“Boy, are you two ever related,” Jamie said as she shook her head at a smirking Ryan.

***

They had a marvelous time at the game. Their seats were directly behind the Giants dugout, just 4 rows back. Neither O’Flaherty had ever had seats that even came close to the quality of these. Ryan and Jamie sat in front, with Conor and Mia right behind. But Ryan was turned around for most of the game kibitzing with Conor about a particular player or a dubious strategy.

Jamie was impressed with Ryan’s knowledge of the game. She seemed to understand the small details that made the game interesting. “I don’t see half of the things you notice, Ryan,” she admitted when Ryan correctly predicted that the Dodger first baseman would get a hit.

“Well, I used to follow the game very carefully,” she admitted. “I could teach you a few things if you’re interested.”

“I’m very interested,” she replied. “Teach away.”

Ryan spent the better part of two innings showing Jamie some of the finer points of baseball. “When I see a team that I don’t know I always spend some time watching the catcher,” she revealed. “I see how he calls the pitches to each hitter and see where he positions himself behind the plate. You can learn a lot just by watching the catcher for an entire inning.”

They proceeded to do just that. Jamie had never really noticed how much in control the catcher was. “I never realized he has to run down to first base on a ground ball,” she admitted. “He’s all over the place.”

“Yeah, and he has to cover 3rd base also. It’s funny, catchers are usually slow guys with bad knees but they have to run their tails off during a game,” she observed.

After the 6th inning Mia and Jamie went to find a restroom. Ryan and Conor went with them to wait in line for more food. When they reached the privacy of the women’s room Mia slapped Jamie hard on the shoulder. “Where have you been hiding him?” she shrieked.

“Hey, knock it off,” Jamie said as she rubbed her shoulder as she laughed. “I haven’t been hiding him anywhere. He’s just Ryan’s brother.”

“Are you sure he’s not why you broke up with Jack?” Mia inquired suspiciously.

“I’m sure I didn’t break up with Jack at all, Mia,” she replied. “And if I had it would not be because of Conor. He is a doll and a real sweetheart, but I’m not interested in him.”

“Why wouldn’t you be?” she asked incredulously. “He is a total babe!”

“I’m just not,” she replied. “Besides she has two other brothers that are just as cute and about a dozen cousins, all good looking, and all unmarried. I wouldn’t know where to start,” she added with a laugh.

“Well, I do,” Mia replied. “I’m starting with Mr. Muscle out there,” she said firmly.

“I wish you the best, Mia. But aren’t you forgetting someone?” Jamie inquired delicately.

“Who’s that?” Mia responded blankly.

“Um…Jason, your boyfriend?”

“Jason who?” Mia asked innocently as she entered a stall and closed the door behind her.

***

As promised, Ryan drove the big Ram truck back to the house to allow Conor the pleasure of chauffeuring Jamie in the Mercedes. “This is one sweet ride,” he said through his wide smile. He was taking them home via side streets to make the ride last as long as possible. “And speaking of sweet, you friend is quite the little prize,” he said appreciatively. “Is she dating anyone seriously?”

“Mia doesn’t tend to ever date seriously,” Jamie admitted.

“Oooh, a girl after my own heart,” he said with a leer. “Would you mind if I asked her out, Jamie?”

“No, Conor, not at all. You’d be a definite improvement over her normal choices,” she said with a grin. After a pause she asked thoughtfully, “Have you ever been serious about anyone?”

“Yeah, I have,” he responded quietly. “I had a very serious girlfriend for almost 2 years. We were on the verge of moving in together but Da talked me out of it.”

“Really, why?” she asked, a bit surprised that Martin would get involved.

“He convinced me that if I loved her I should marry her,” he replied. “I’m only going to get married once, Jamie, and after I thought about it for a long time, I realized that I didn’t love Melissa enough to commit to her forever.” He looked at Jamie as he said, “Da made me see that living with her just took her off the market and prevented her from finding someone who really did love her enough to marry her. I can’t tell you how hard it was for me, but he was right. As usual,” he added with a laugh. “That was 3 years ago and she got married last year, and is going to have a baby soon.”

“Do you want to settle down soon, or are you still enjoying your freedom too much?” she asked.

“If I could find the right woman, I don’t think I would hesitate. But I am totally picky, so I don’t know how soon that will be,” he added. “Maybe Mia will be the one,” he said wistfully.

“I think Mia is a long way from settling down, Conor. But you two could have a lot of fun together in the meantime,” she grinned.

***

She was just leaving her last class on the first Friday afternoon in April when her cell phone rang. “Hello,” she mumbled as she tried to balance the little phone against her ear while struggling with her text books.

“Jamie?” the familiar voice asked.

“Jack,” she breathed, amazed to hear from him. “Uh…hi,” she added hesitantly.

“Um…” he stumbled a bit, obviously unsure of himself. “Would you…um…what I wanted to know was…um…if you would have any interest in talking to me a little bit.”

“Talking to you?” she asked, rather confused by his tone and his request.

“Yeah, Jamie,” he said with a bit more confidence. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I have some things to say to you.”

“Uhh, well, sure Jack, I’d be happy to talk to you,” she agreed even though her stomach was clenching. “What’s good for you?”

“If you’re free tonight I could come take you to dinner,” he offered.

“Uh…okay,” she said. “I’m free after 7.”

“Great,” he said happily, sounding very much like himself now. “I’ll call and make reservations. Anyplace new you’d like to try?”

Is this Jack Townsend? she wondered warily. “Well, there’s a nice little Northern Italian place called Cucina. I don’t know the number though.”

“That’s okay,” he said quickly. “I’ll make a reservation and come get you at 7.” He paused a moment and asked, “You aren’t seeing anyone are you, Jamie?”

“Um, no…no I’m not,” she replied somewhat honestly.

“Great!” he said. “See you then.”

“Okay,” she said slowly as she clicked the cancel button. What in the holy hell was that all about? she wondered as she stared at the phone in her hand.

***

She felt a bit off kilter during her workout and several times she glanced up at Ryan to find her looking at her with concern in her eyes. The hour passed quickly though, and at the end of the session Ryan asked, “Thai?”

“Pardon me?” Jamie replied with a very confused look.

“Wanna go out for some Thai food after therapy?” she said with a smile. They had been spending nearly every Friday evening together and it had become an unspoken agreement. Jamie went to therapy while Ryan worked out. Then Ryan rode over to her house and took a shower before they went to dinner. It all worked out beautifully even though they had never formally discussed it.

“Um…well, I uh…can’t do it tonight,” she said as she nervously scratched the side of her face. “Um…something came up and I uh…”

“It’s okay, Jamie,” Ryan assured her as she lightly squeezed her shoulder. “We don’t have to have dinner together every Friday night.” She smiled broadly, but Jamie could see just a tiny bit of disappointment on her handsome face.

“I know,” she quickly agreed. “We just…”

“It’s okay,” Ryan said again. “Call you tomorrow?”

“Please do,” she said with a smile as she went to the locker to pull her things out. As she walked out the door she could feel Ryan’s piercing blue eyes follow her out to the parking lot. Why do I feel like I’m lying to her?

***

She and Anna had decided to see each other 3 times a week since she was really ready to deal with her issues and needed all the support she could find in dealing with her feelings for Ryan. After settling down and briefly telling Anna what had happened Anna smiled neutrally, encouraging Jamie to explain her feelings about the issue. “I don’t know what I think about it,” she maintained. “I’m just trying to be polite.”

“Hmm,” Anna mused. “Do you normally feel like you’re doing something wrong when you’re just being polite?” She smiled again, and Jamie once more felt like Anna could see right into her soul.

“Oh crap!” she cried in frustration. “I don’t know what in the hell I’m doing! He sounded like he just wanted to chat, but then he offered to buy me dinner in a real restaurant no less!” she gave an ironic grimace at that. “And right before he hung up he asked me if I was seeing someone,” she finally admitted with an embarrassed look.

“And that makes you feel…?”

She threw her hands up in frustration; amazed that Anna could not see the problem. “I feel like I’m cheating on Ryan!”

“Cheating…? How exactly are you cheating?”

“I told Ryan I loved her!” she cried. “Now I’m going to have dinner with my ex-fiancé and I don’t even tell her about it.”

“Jamie,” she said soothingly, “I think you’re getting ahead of yourself here. Yes, you told Ryan that you were attracted to her, but she told you to take the time to figure out what you wanted. If what you told me is accurate she made no claim on you at all.”

She nodded her head slowly, as her brow creased. “I told you the truth,” she agreed. “But we’ve been spending all of our time together. If she’s dating anyone else it’s very late at night because she’s with me most of the weekend. It just seems like we’re slipping into a dating relationship even though we don’t touch sexually.”

“Oh, I see,” Anna said as she nodded. “You think your actions have told her something that your words have not.”

“Kinda,” she admitted. She shook her head roughly, causing her thick blonde hair to bounce all around her face. With an annoyed move she shoved her right hand through her hair, brushing it out of her eyes and settling it in its normal casual style. “I was just starting to feel like I was getting close to making a move, Anna,” she nearly moaned. “I really felt like I was on a path…do you know what I mean?”

“I think I do, but tell me more,” she urged.

“I know it’s been a tortured path,” she said with a wry smirk, “but a path nonetheless. I feel like from the time I met Ryan I’ve made consistent baby steps towards being with her. This is the first time I’ve felt my desire waver,” she admitted.

“What’s the pull with Jack?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” she said after a deep breath. “I did love him, you know,” she said a little defensively as she stared at Anna defiantly. “And I didn’t break up with him. He dumped me. So maybe it feels good to have him make overtures to getting me back.”

“Well, he did have a little help with the breakup,” she reminded her gently.

“What do you mean by that?” Jamie asked swiftly, her hackles obviously rising.

“Only that Jack was worried about your relationship with Ryan. He told you he was threatened but you refused to let her go.”

“He was trying to control me, Anna!”

“Maybe he was,” she said gently. “But he was right about Ryan, Jamie. She was a threat and she did take your focus away from him.”

“Are you saying that it was all my fault that we broke up?” she asked incredulously.

“Hardly,” she assured her quickly. “I’m not sure that fault is the correct word to use, either. All I’m saying is that in retrospect I think you had a hand in causing your breakup. And it’s possible that you feel a little guilty about that now.”

“So what should I do?” she asked in frustration as her head dropped into her hands.

“I think you should have dinner and see what happens. Look Jamie,” she said as she gazed deeply into her eyes and let her voice drop into a low, calming tone. “You have a hot button about anyone controlling you.” Jamie nodded slightly, acknowledging the truth of the statement. “But you also have to be careful not to try to control yourself where your feelings are concerned. Try to stay open tonight and just see how you feel. Don’t worry about Ryan, or even about Jack. Just feel.”

***

She barely had time to shower and wash her hair, but she got both tasks accomplished before the doorbell rang. “Mia,” she cried out.

“Yeah?” she asked as she ducked her head into the door of Jamie’s room.

“I’m running late,” she needlessly explained as she stood in nothing but a towel. “Would you go downstairs and keep Jack company?”

“Jack!?”

“Don’t ask,” she urged as she rolled her eyes.

Mia gave her a look but trotted downstairs and did as Jamie had asked. She stood in front of her closet with a critical eye; finally choosing an outfit that she was certain Jack had not seen her in. She chose a deep salmon dress in a fine linen, just short enough to be a little sexy but demure enough in cut and style to look sophisticated. The rich color showed off her golden tan and made her already sun bleached hair even paler. She dabbed on just a touch of makeup and found herself automatically putting on a dash of perfume, adding the fragrance to all of her pulse points. It’s just dinner, Jamie, she reminded herself sternly as she found herself dabbing the perfume between her breasts.

She slipped on a pair of black pumps and trotted down the stairs, pausing in alarm as she got a glimpse of his lean body perched on the edge of the table by the front door and felt her pulse begin to quicken. What’s that about? she wondered as she tried to regain her control. But she quickly remembered Anna’s advice and she let herself just feel. She took a deep breath and let her eyes roam over his sandy blonde hair and his very attractive profile as he chatted amiably with Mia. Inexplicably, she felt just like she had when they had first started to go out. She was excited and a little nervous…wondering what the night would bring.

She descended the stairs slowly, taking him in the whole while. When she got to the bottom stair he turned and met her gaze. His bright blue eyes gentled into a warm smile as he walked over and gently took her hand, giving it a slight squeeze. Yipes! she cried in alarm as a jolt of sensation hit her deep in the groin. Where did that come from? But she knew exactly where it had come from. Jack was being his most attentive, engaging self and she had always found him extremely attractive when he interacted with her in that fashion. He had the ability to focus on her completely, making her feel like he could see deep within her. It was a little unnerving but also completely arousing.

“You look great,” he said as his eyes slowly moved up and down her body, taking her in fully.

“So do you,” she agreed as she surveyed his crisply pressed charcoal gray slacks, and bright white oxford cloth shirt with very thin navy blue and yellow lines running through it, creating a wide plaid. “Thanks for coming down, Mia,” she said as she forced her eyes away from him to glance at her smirking friend.

“Anytime,” she replied lightly as she leaned over to kiss her cheek on the way back upstairs. “Have fun, you two.”

They watched her go and looked back at each other a little awkwardly. “Did you get reservations?” she asked to break the tension.

“They were booked,” he said with a slight frown. “But I remembered that nice little place in the City that we went to with your parents a couple of years ago. So I made reservations for 8 o’clock at café Mozart.”

Jamie was rather stunned by this development. café Mozart was a lovely little place but it was most definitely a romantic setting. The restaurant could only handle around 50 people but the tables were set well apart to allow for quiet, intimate conversation in the intimately lit space. “O…Okay,” she managed to get out. “I guess we’d better go then.”

He helped her on with her coat and grabbed his navy blazer, shrugging into it with his casual, graceful movements. He led her to his little sedan and held the door open for her, waiting until she was safely inside to close the door.

As he got in he looked over at her, once more locking eyes. “Thanks for agreeing to see me,” he said softly. “I can’t tell you how good it is to see you again.” He blinked slowly and she allowed the sensations to fully enter her brain. He was just a foot or so away and she could see the smoothness of his cheek where he had obviously recently shaved. He smelled of a subtle after shave, likely one of the ones she had bought for him. His dark blonde eyelashes framed his blue eyes attractively, giving him an almost delicate, boyish look. But the intense gaze he fixed her with was anything but childlike.

Oh boy, I’m in trouble here, she mused as he smiled and started the car.

***

They relaxed at the small table, waiting for the waiter to bring them the bottle of wine that Jack had confidently ordered. He seems more mature, more sure of himself, she mused as she watched him place both of their orders with the attentive server.

After their wine was delivered Jack touched the rim of her glass with his own as he toasted, “To self awareness,” he said with a twinkle in his eye. He took a deep sip of the golden colored Chardonnay and said, “I’ve given more thought to our relationship and the problems that we had than I can ever remember devoting to any topic. And do you know what I’ve decided?”

She shook her head rather dully, her eyes never leaving his lips.

He leaned over slightly and enunciated each word. “You…were…right,” he said simply. As she blinked slowly he quickly followed up. “You were right about how I had come to take you for granted. You were right about how unfair it was for me to be jealous of your friendships. You were right about my failing to see who you were and how you had changed.” His voice lowered and he blushed adorably as he added, “You were even right about how one sided our sex life had been.” He lifted his head quickly, as a cascade of sandy blonde hair tumbled into his eyes. “You were right about everything, Jamie. And I’m here tonight to ask for a second chance.”

His eyes had not wavered from her eyes and hers had not wavered from his lips. Her heart heard his sincere apology but her head could not process the information. He was validating all of those months of struggle…agreeing with every point she had ever made…and it was just too much. Her hand reached rather blindly for her wine glass, grasping it firmly and lifting it to her lips to swallow a great deal of the contents down in one gulp. “I…I’m,” she tried to get out. “I’m…amazed,” she honestly replied.

“I don’t doubt it,” he said gently as he tenderly pried her hand from her glass and grasped it in his own warm one. “I never gave you much reason to think I was much for reflection,” he said with a rather derisive chuckle.

“But why…?” she began but he immediately answered.

“You’re just too valuable to let you get away without fighting for,” he said decisively. “It’s like throwing away a fistful of diamonds because you don’t like the cut.” He sat back in his chair, still gazing deeply into her eyes.

She let his words sink in for a moment, relishing the sincere compliment with a gentle smile on her face. It was exactly what she had wanted to hear him say for the past year. To acknowledge that she had been a very willing and receptive partner and that it was he who had the problem…it was he who had been wrong…it was he who caused her to look to Ryan for emotional sustenance. Yes! Sweet Jesus, yes! she cried to herself. I didn’t try to find someone else. He pushed me into it!

She gazed up at his sincere, warm blue eyes and said, “That means so much to me.” She was struggling with her emotions but he just held her hand more firmly and maintained his smile.

“Will you give me another chance?” he asked softly, still holding her gaze.

She blinked slowly and took a deep breath. Anna’s words came back to her and she paused for a moment, letting herself feel the deep sense of relief and joy that his words had caused. “Yes,” she said simply. “Yes I will.”

***

On the way back to Berkeley she found her hand automatically drift over to rest upon his muscular thigh. He gazed over at her and gave her an encouraging grin, reaching down to gently pat her hand. She could hear the deep breath that he took, smiling to herself as he said, “That feels so absolutely right.”

And she had to admit that it did feel right. This was exactly where 21 years of conditioning had led her. To the strong, secure embrace of a young professional who would love her and the children they would have together. Someone her parents and her grandfather would be proud to introduce in public. Someone that she could build a life with along with the full approval of society at large. She would never have to learn those painful lessons Ryan had told her about. She would never have to see the glares and snickers directed at her that they had suffered at the Tea Room. She would never have to explain to her children that mommy loves mommy and that the other children just don’t understand. Wow, that was a big one, she thought as she blew out a breath. She actually felt a moment of compassion for Ryan. She has no choice, she thought sympathetically. But I do. I really do! And if I can love and be loved by a man I’m sure she would rather have that for me. She wants what’s best for me, doesn’t she? Surely she’d rather that I live with society’s approval.

But even though she reasoned that her friend would support her she just didn’t want to see her this weekend. “Jack? I think I’ll go down to my parents tonight. Would you like to spend some time together this weekend?”

“Absolutely,” he replied without hesitation. “I’ve done a lot of thinking about school too, Jamie. I’m not going to let it run my life any longer. I’ve already got a job and a clerkship lined up. What am I trying to prove at this point?” he asked rhetorically.

“Wow,” she said slowly. “You have changed.”

“I have,” he said firmly. “In many, many ways.” He placed his hand atop hers and squeezed it affectionately. “And I’ll change in any other way that you need, Jamie. I’ll do anything to make this work.”

***

He insisted on waiting for her to pack a few things so he could follow her down to Hillsborough. She found it odd but also touching that he was so concerned with her safety so she graciously allowed him the honor of escorting her.

She could see his headlights right behind her on the whole trip and she found that it was, in fact, reassuring to see him there. She called her parents from the road but there was no answer…not an unusual result given their active lives. But when she rang the bell Marta informed her that her father was down in L.A. for business and that her mother had decided to go with him at the last minute. Marta was surprised and appeared pleased to see Jack with her but she followed protocol and quickly disappeared after offering to bring them a drink. They both accepted her offer and sat on the large sofas in the living room sipping cognac a little nervously.

After a few minutes Jack looked at her and asked, “Do you mind if I sit next to you?”

She just patted the cushion next to herself and smiled at him as he smoothly stood and switched places. They spoke casually about their respective school terms and he pointedly asked her about the ride in great detail. Ryan was not even off topic as he asked Jamie about Ryan’s training and how they were working together. She bent to place her nearly empty glass on the table and when she sat back up his arm was loosely around her shoulders. She found that she liked the sensation and leaned against him, letting out a sigh that seemed to have been building for ages. He turned his head and gently kissed the top of her head in a friendly, affectionate manner. Almost unconsciously she found her head turning and then tilting upwards as she opened her mouth to accept his warm lips. Oh God, she moaned to herself. I forgot how good it felt to kiss him. God! I’ve missed this! She had in fact missed the tender intimacies with a lover. She had missed the casual way they had grown to know each other’s bodies and the natural way they meshed together when they kissed. It was a heady, thrilling discovery as her hormones kicked in fully and she felt herself growing aroused. The deep, intense kisses were having an identical effect on Jack. One that she could feel as he gently pulled her into his lap to continue his passionate assault. What could it hurt? she asked herself as her vulva began to throb. It will just be like picking up where we left off. But there was a tiny part of her that wanted some time to reflect before she dove right back in to this relationship. She knew this was a momentous decision and she felt that she needed more time.

Obviously Jack had improved in his psychic abilities also because moments before she was going to halt the embrace he gently guided her back to an upright position. “I’m about to lose control,” he whispered as he leaned his forehead against hers. “And I’m sure that you don’t want to move this fast.”

She nodded demurely, now feeling that maybe she did want to go farther just to show she could change too. But he placed another soft kiss on her lips and stood with some difficulty. “I’ll call you tomorrow,” he promised as he stole one more kiss and quickly walked to the door, leaving her throbbing and frustrated.

“Wow,” was all that she could get out.

***

The next morning she lay in bed for a very long while, just trying to be open to her feelings. She thought she was doing a pretty good job of it, but she found that she was really only able to concentrate on how she felt being with Jack again. Every time she tried to force herself to think of Ryan she felt her brain shut down and immediately turn to Jack again. But that didn’t seem that odd to her at this point. It’s been nearly a month since I’ve let myself think about him much, she reasoned. I have an awful lot of feelings to process about him.

After a leisurely breakfast she spent some time in the living room casually looking through the plethora of neatly labeled photo albums that chronicled her childhood. Mother sure wasn’t very good at being involved in my life but she was great at memorializing it, she thought wryly as she perused the books.

The first book was labeled ë1978’ and showed several photos of her mother and father looking very happy together as they anticipated the birth of their child. Catherine was a very small woman and she obviously did not gain much weight during her pregnancy. Her belly was very protuberant but she actually looked like she was wearing a balloon under her clothing since the rest of her body looked exactly like it had before she was pregnant.

There were a number of shots of the shower that her mother’s sorority sisters had thrown for her, the happy looking young women joining in the traditional rite of passage into motherhood. Jamie thought ahead to the future, picturing herself in a few years, surrounded by friends from high school and college, preparing to welcome her child into the world. It would be a far different experience if I was with Ryan, she thought wryly. For one thing, I’d have to get a whole new set of friends. Different parents wouldn’t hurt either, she added with a grimace.

Jesus! she thought grumpily. It’s easy for her with that fabulous family! They would probably think it was great that she was going to have a baby with a woman! No matter how society treats her she always has her family to remind her of how special she is. But most of us don’t get that. And I don’t want to have to lose my family if I don’t have to! she thought defiantly. And if Jack is serious about the changes he has made, I don’t have to!

***

Jack called a little after 10, obviously trying to be considerate if she wanted to sleep in. “Hi,” he said happily. “What would you like to do today?”

“Do?” she asked slowly, trying to understand his exact meaning.

“Yeah…do,” he said with a chuckle. “You know, like normal people. I’ve actually heard that some people venture outside during daylight hours.”

“You don’t have to study?” she asked slowly.

“Whether or not I have to isn’t the issue,” he declared. “I’m not going to so it’s a moot point. Now where would you like to go? The Giants are in town, we could drive down to Santa Cruz and hang out on the beach; we could even drive over to Napa for the day. We could have an early dinner and still get home at a decent hour.”

She was silent for a minute, letting his words sink in. “You really have changed,” she finally got out.

His voice deepened as he replied, “I’ve changed a lot, Jamie. Our breakup made me look at my life in a very critical way. And I did not like what I had become.”

Her heart picked up a beat as she considered what this all meant. “Let’s go to Napa,” she said decisively. “Come on over and we’ll take one of my parents cars.”

“I’ll be there in 30 minutes,” he promised. “Wear something that you’ll be comfortable in at a nice restaurant.”

She hung up the phone and stared at it for a moment before she placed it on the table. Is it possible to do a brain transplant? That sure as hell did not sound like Jack!

***

She decided on a casual print dress, short enough to show off her muscular legs but long enough to allow them to go to a nice place for dinner. The day was warm and she knew it would be warmer in Napa but she also brought a white knit wrap to keep her warm against the usually chilly evening.

Jack was right on time and he happily accepted the keys to Catherine’s new Mercedes. They left the top up while they were on the freeway but as soon as they crossed over into Marin Jack pulled over and lowered it. They had been chatting about his law review duties on the way over and even though he seemed interested in his topic he didn’t seem as obsessed by it as he had before. As they neared Napa he gazed at her briefly and said, “I’ve been thinking a lot about my decision to clerk for a federal judge next year. It would be good for my career but if we’re back together I don’t think I can tolerate being too far from home. I’m going to do my best to secure a spot in Northern California but if I can’t I think I may just go directly to Morris & Foster.”

Jamie nearly swallowed her tongue at this pronouncement. From the day she met him Jack had stated clear plans for his future, and clerking had been the keystone of those plans. To hear him casually dismiss this important step was absolutely stunning to her. “But why would you do that?” she finally got out.

He glanced at her briefly, and then pulled over onto a little used access road. He turned in his seat and reached over and grasped her hand as he gazed into her eyes. “I explained to you last night that my priorities have changed, Jamie. Being away from you for a year is just not acceptable to me.” He chuckled as he admitted, “I’ve been away from you for 7 weeks and it almost drove me crazy.”

She sniffed back her tears as she leaned against him, relishing the feel of his muscular torso, the spicy scent of his after shave and the rough starch in his crisp sky blue oxford cloth shirt. “That means a lot to me, Jack,” she murmured softly.

He lifted her chin and leaned over to place a gentle kiss on her lips. “You mean a lot to me, Jamie. Much more than I knew.”

***

She had been to Napa many times, but never with Jack. This was only his second trip, his first being when he was a young boy. He was very interested in the wine making process so they went on a tour of the Christian Brothers winery since that the was largest big production winery in the valley.

It was so nice to walk along the tour, holding his large warm hand. As usual, he was focused on the details of the operation, something which didn’t interest Jamie much. But she got a lot of enjoyment out of watching him try to digest the vast array of information that was fed to them. He asked several perceptive questions of their guide and she found herself smiling up at him as he spoke, admiring the clean, sharp planes of his face, and the bright, perceptive look in his eyes.

Their tour group was a mix of ages but she noticed that the older couples continually gave them appreciative glances. One elderly woman in particular stole a glance repeatedly and Jamie mused that her interest would not be so benign if she were here with Ryan, holding hands and whispering into each other’s ears. This is just so easy, she thought to herself. I won’t have to endure the sharp glances and whispered taunts that have followed Ryan her whole life. She’s so confident, and self assured that those things don’t seem to bother her. But I’m not like that! I want people to like me and smile at me when I go places. I really like that people look at Jack and me with appreciative glances rather than hostility. Is that so wrong?!

***

Their next stop was to the Schramsberg Winery for a nice little tour of their champagne caves. The winery was very cute and quaint and the tour they were part of was very small, only two other couples. The storage area for the filled bottles was quite cool since it was deep in the ground. Jack wrapped his long arm around Jamie’s shoulders and she snuggled up against his body for the rest of the tour. She felt so warm and safe when he touched her like this, and she breathed in his scent with a lazy, contented feeling permeating her bones.

***

By 5 o’clock they were both famished and she was a bit tipsy from the wine samples being consumed on an empty stomach. They decided to go to Tra Vigne in St. Helena for dinner, and since it was so early they had no trouble getting a table.

They were shown to a nice table and presented with the extensive wine list. Jack handed the list to her, always content to have her exercise the skills that he lacked. The server presented the bottle of Merlot that she had picked out and Jack indicated that Jamie would be the one to taste the wine. After pronouncing it acceptable they relaxed and waited for their appetizers to be delivered.

“Can we talk about Ryan a little bit, Jack?” she asked with just a touch of hesitation.

To her relief he did not tense up or look uncomfortable at the topic. He just tilted his head a bit to encourage her to continue. “I know that you said last night that you accepted full responsibility for our breakup but that’s not really accurate.” He furrowed his brow a bit as he stared at her intently, but still did not speak. “You were right about Ryan,” she said firmly.

His eyes widened perceptibly and she realized how that must have sounded. “No, no, not like that!” she hastened to add. “You were right that she was part of the problem.”

“How?” he finally asked.

“She was part of the problem because I turned to her for the emotional support that I didn’t feel from you,” she admitted. “Ryan is very available emotionally and she was always there for me when something was bothering me. Like when I had that pregnancy scare,” she reminded him. “It wasn’t that I didn’t want you involved. I just thought you would be upset with me for not making sure we used a condom. I felt like she would be there for me without judging me. And I didn’t feel that from you,” she added softly.

“But that sounds like a good thing, Jamie. It’s nice to have friends that you can count on like that.”

“Yes it is,” she agreed quickly. “And I want Ryan in my life permanently. The problem isn’t with her. It’s with me. Rather than trying to work out my issues with you I took the easy way out and just got the support that I needed from her. That was unfair to all of us, Jack. It didn’t let you know what I needed from you; it got her involved in things that were really not appropriate for a friend to be involved in and it let me take the easy way out. In a way I used her, and I feel really badly about that.”

He nodded briefly and gazed at the wine in his glass as he lifted it and swirled the deep red liquid around. “I’m glad that you admit that I wasn’t imagining that she was interfering with our relationship,” he said quietly. “And I’m sorry that I assumed it was sexual and that she was actively trying to interfere. I guess I owe her an apology.”

“No, you don’t,” she said quickly. “I never told her any of the comments you made about her. I’m sure she doesn’t know how you really feel.”

He smiled gently and said, “Thank you. It makes me feel good to know you don’t talk about me behind my back.”

She rubbed the bridge of her nose nervously as she conceded, “I wouldn’t exactly say that.” A small chuckle bubbled up from her chest and she added, “I talked about how I felt about you and how hurt I was by you. I’m not sure she thinks you’re a fabulous guy. I just never spoke about what you said about her. And I’ve never told my parents anything bad about you. I only said that we had some issues we couldn’t get over.”

“That’s still pretty good,” he admitted. “If I only have to repair my reputation with Ryan I think I’m in good shape.”

She looked at him and asked directly, “So you won’t mind if I stay close to Ryan? She really means a lot to me Jack.”

“Jamie,” he said confidently as he grasped her hand. “She can be your maid of honor at our wedding; she can be the godmother to our children; she can be your biking partner; heck, she can even be your personal trainer. I just want you back!”

***

It was late when they finally arrived back in the South Bay. He walked her in and they spent several minutes sitting on the couch and kissing rather innocently. But she could tell he was terribly tired so she suggested, “Why don’t you stay over…in the guest room?” she added with a grin.

He sighed deeply and stretched before he nodded his head. “That’s a good idea. I’m really beat.”

“Come on, Sweetie,” she urged as she got to her feet and tugged his hand. “Time for bed.”

She got him settled in the guest room right next to hers. After a few tame kisses she walked to her room and got ready for bed. Just before she slid into the sheets she glanced at her cell phone that she had inadvertently left at home. There were 3 messages from Ryan on voice mail, each one sounding a little more concerned. God Ryan, she thought, don’t be so possessive! Can’t I have a day without my cell phone?

***

She woke at 6 a.m., still very tired but in dire need of the bathroom. After she had relieved herself she got a sly grin on her face and snuck next door and slipped soundlessly into Jack’s room. He was sprawled out across the bed, consuming nearly all of the king sized mattress. He was sporting some cute navy blue and white checked boxers…and an erection. Oh oh, she thought, as she reconsidered her plan. I don’t want to have sex just yet, but I’d really like some closeness. Well, maybe he’d be willing to just cuddle, she thought, deciding to go for it. She slipped in next to him and his body curled up on his side in immediate reaction. She snuggled up against his strong back, taking in his slightly musky scent and the smooth, lightly tanned skin that her cheek rested against. God I missed this, she mused as sleep claimed her almost immediately.

***

As her eyes blinked open a deep voice whispered, “Good morning.”

“Oh, hi,” she said with a shy grin. “I hope you don’t mind that I snuck in here this morning.” He was lying on his back and she was curled up against his chest with her head resting on his muscular shoulder. His arm was securely wrapped around her shoulders and his large hand rested on her hip.

“Best surprise I’ve had in weeks,” he replied as he placed a tiny kiss on her head. “But I need my arm back for a minute.” She released him and watched his cute little butt as he padded into the bath. A few minutes later he emerged, with his face washed and a toothbrush sticking out of his mouth. “What do you want to do?” he asked through a mouth full of toothpaste. “Ready to get up or would you like a little cuddling?”

She was a bit surprised by that offer since cuddling was never his forte. “I’d love to cuddle if you really don’t mind.”

He gave her an adorable grin that lit up his whole face. He dashed back into the bath, spitting noisily, then ran a few steps toward the bed and launched himself at her with a wild look in his eyes. She laughed heartily at his antics, trying to remember the last time he was so playful. He grabbed her roughly and plastered his toothpaste smeared mouth against hers, making her giggle uncontrollably. She calmed down after a minute and he braced himself on one arm, leaning over her and saying in a very serious voice, “I missed cuddling with you, Jamie. After we broke up I would lie in bed in the morning and just ache to feel your body next to mine.”

She gazed up at him in amazement both at the sentiment and his very successful attempts at emotional openness. Her face curled into a welcoming smile and he lowered his head to place a few delicate kisses on her lips. But true to his word he immediately flopped down next to her and wrapped her in a warm embrace. She turned onto her side and scooted up against his lap, relieved to find him flaccid. I don’t think we’ve ever cuddled in the morning without him getting an erection, she mused. Maybe he really is serious about just being close. They were both still tired and after a few minutes of the tender embrace she slipped back into a contented slumber. They cycled through sleep and hugs for another half hour or so, turning from one side to the other several times.

At around 8 she woke on her left side, cuddled up against his back. She now felt rested and content and found herself start to nibble on his neck and shoulders. He stayed right where he was but he woke also, tugging her arm close against his chest as he relaxed and let her kiss him at her own pace. “Jack?” she asked softly. “Can we talk about sex a little bit?”

“Sure,” he agreed. “What do you want to talk about?”

“Um…I’ve done a lot of thinking about how sex was between us and I think we need to make a few changes…”

“Oh, I agree,” he said without hesitation. “I know you were not very satisfied, Jamie, and I take full responsibility for that.”

“You do?” she asked, completely stunned.

“Yeah, I do. I was the more experienced partner and I should have made your pleasure my priority.”

“Well you did…at first,” she ventured.

“I know,” he admitted quietly. “But that was another of my insecurities. I started to feel shut out and I reacted by trying to care less. Towards the end I admit that I was a total asshole! I still can’t believe I acted that way, Jamie,” he said softly. “Your pleasure is terribly important to me and I swear I’ll work harder to focus on you.”

“It’s not that you didn’t work hard enough, Jack, it’s almost the opposite,” she opined. “I think we both have to loosen up and be more experimental if we’re going to make this work.”

He rolled over onto his back and gazed over at her with a very serious look on his face. “Tell me what you liked and didn’t like,” he asked, his gaze never wavering.

“Gosh,” she said as her eyes blinked slowly. “Um…I loved the way we were before we started having sex,” she said tentatively.

“Why? What exactly did you love about that?”

“You used to just turn me on,” she said with a winsome smile. “God! Some nights I could hardly walk when I left your apartment. Your kisses and your soft little caresses just drove me wild! But when we started to have intercourse a lot of that stopped,” she said softly, still hurt by the withdrawal of her required intimacies.

“You’re right,” he said immediately. “I admit that I was having a great time and I didn’t spend enough time making sure that you were also.”

“Sometimes I did enjoy intercourse, Jack,” she insisted. “But our schedules were not the same and our arousal patterns didn’t mesh well. Like in the mornings, for instance,” she explained. “You would wake up most mornings and be ready for action, but you seemed to just want to have a quick orgasm. That will never work for me,” she maintained. “I can get aroused in the morning but it takes a while. And it’s painful when you enter me before I’m fully aroused.”

“It’s painful?” he asked with a hurt look on his face.

“Yes, Honey, it’s actually painful. And when you cause me pain it just makes me tense up the next time so it becomes kind of a vicious cycle.”

“I swear I didn’t know that, Jamie. I guess I figured that you would get aroused from having me inside of you.”

“No, that doesn’t work for me, Jack. It might for some women, but not me. I need slow, soft kisses and touches to get aroused in the morning but that’s obviously not what you need.”

“No,” he admitted as he blushed deeply. “I wake up horny and I just want to have an orgasm.” He pursed his lips together and said, “There’s no reason that you have to satisfy all of my needs. We can reserve our lovemaking for when we both are in the mood and we have some time.”

“That’s not necessary, Jack,” she assured him. “This is where we have to get creative. I’m more than happy to help you reach orgasm whenever you need it. I’m just not willing to have intercourse all the time.”

“Oh,” he said as he nodded slowly. “You don’t mind fooling around a little when I’m aroused.”

“No, I not only don’t mind, I think it would be fun,” she said happily. “But can you be satisfied with other kinds of stimulation?”

“Of course,” he said immediately. “Any assistance you can offer would be appreciated,” he said with a grin as he leaned up for a kiss.

She turned him over onto his side and cuddled up against his back. “Would you like a little help now?” she whispered into his ear.

“Well, um…I’m not really arou…oops! Check that,” he laughed as he felt his shorts grow snug. “Uhh, yeah, I’d love a little help. What do you have in mind?”

“Well,” she purred into his ear. “I could kiss you while you touched yourself…” He tensed up a little at that suggestion but he gallantly agreed.

“Okay…we could try that if that’s what you want.”

“No, Jack…It’s not what I want, it’s what would please you,” she insisted. “I could,” she suggested as she slid her hand down his abdomen and dipped into his shorts, “stroke you with my hand.” She grasped his penis with her hand and took a few experimental tugs.

His eyes closed as his head fell back against her shoulder. “Ohh, that’s nice,” he growled.

“I could even touch you like this,” she suggested as her hand slid lower and gently manipulated his testicles. His penis immediately got rock hard as he let out the breath he had been holding.

“Jeeesus,” he murmured as his hips involuntarily pumped a few times. He turned to face her with a wide eyed look. “Where did you learn to do that?”

“Nowhere,” she said honestly. “I’m just trying to get rid of some of my inhibitions. I’m also more than willing to try something else,” she said as he locked eyes with him and started to kiss her way down his belly.

His eyes nearly popped from his head as he stuttered, “L…Let’s take it one step at a time, Honey. Come up here and touch me with your hand again.” He was lying on his back now and he smiled over at her as she slid his boxers off, revealing his fully erect member. She gazed at him for a moment as a slow smile crept across her face. There was something so obvious about his genitals that she found rather appealing. If his penis was hard, he was aroused. Once he had an orgasm, it became flaccid and he was satisfied. The simple, straightforward nature of his needs was reassuring to her as she tried to throw off some of her restraint and get more fully involved.

“Show me what you like, Jack,” she whispered as her hand gripped him again.

He hissed out a moan of pleasure but did as he was told. Guiding her hand with his own, his eyes tightly closed, his excitement built quickly. Within minutes he was making his cute little pre-orgasm sounds. She wasn’t prepared for his climax though, and she had to duck to avoid getting hit in the face. “Whoa,” she giggled as he collapsed, a fine sheen of sweat covering his now musky smelling body. “You could poke somebody’s eye out with that stuff!”

He turned his head languidly and gazed at her with a bemused smirk. “Are you sure you didn’t date anybody while we were broken up?”

“Nope. Not a one. I was obviously waiting for you,” she whispered as she leaned over him and kissed him tenderly.

***

To her extreme pleasure they lay in bed for another hour, their soft, stroking caresses interspersed with tender little kisses. “This is exactly…and I do mean exactly, what I needed,” Jamie mumbled into his chest. “I love touching you and kissing and hugging in the morning, and I really enjoyed helping you have an orgasm. But I really don’t think I want to have intercourse in the morning.”

“This is a perfectly acceptable alternative,” he agreed as he snuggled up against her back and nuzzled her neck.

This is what I thought marriage would be like, she mused as his hand ran slowly up and down her leg. Nice long cuddles, lots of kissing and hugging, and when problems happen you just talk about them.

***

Marta was very surprised to see Jack saunter downstairs, hand in hand with Jamie, but she made no comment other than to ask what they wanted for breakfast. It was after 10 when they finally got out of bed and a quick check of her cell phone while Jack was showering showed that Ryan had called at 8 a.m. God, I don’t want to have to go into everything with her right now, Jamie worried. I think I’ll just call her house and leave a message on the machine. Her message was truthful as far as it went, but she knew that Ryan would be concerned. She merely said that she had unexpectedly decided to come down to her parents home and that she would see Ryan at their appointment on Monday afternoon. Oh shit, she thought as she hung up. She probably waited for me to take our long ride today. Oh well, this is a lot more important than a bike ride, she thought decisively.

***

“You’re being terribly generous with your time, Jack, but I know you have things to do,” she said as she tried to keep her train of thought. They were sitting on a double chaise out by the pool after a lavish brunch and Jack could not refrain from kissing her on every exposed millimeter of skin.

“I don’t want to let you out of my sight…or my touch,” he whispered as he pinned her against the cushions with his chest and leisurely explored her mouth with his tongue. “Are you sure you don’t want to go back upstairs and let me show you how experimental I can be?”

She pushed him away slightly by placing her hands flat on his chest. “I need some time to process this, Jack. I really feel a little overwhelmed right now. And besides,” she added with a grin. “I don’t have any condoms in the house and if you have one in your pocket I’ll be terribly insulted.”

He smiled back and stuck his hands in his pockets, pulling them inside out to show that they were devoid of birth control devices. “I understand, Jamie,” he smiled. “I just want to make sure you get satisfied if you need it.”

She kissed him gently and stayed very close, whispering right into his lips, “Oh, I need it, alright. You’ve been driving me wild with those kisses. But I can wait for what I want. And I think you need to go get your work done, Sweetheart.”

“I won’t be able to think of a thing other than your face,” he pledged as he kissed all around her smiling face.

“You’re too sweet,” she said as she kissed him back. “But I’ve got work to do also, so I’d better go.” She got to her feet and extended both of her hands to pull his lean body from the chaise. But instead of going along willingly he gave a sharp tug and pulled her right onto his lap.

“Just a few more kisses,” he begged with his eyes closed.

She smiled at his dramatics but granted his wish, now more than ever regretting her decision not to go back upstairs…condoms be damned.

***

She arrived back in Berkeley at 2 o’clock, emotionally exhausted but very energized physically. A quick check of the list of messages in Mia’s handwriting showed that Ryan had called twice. Does she keep tabs on all of her friends, or just me? she thought unhappily as she wadded up the note and tossed it into the trash.

***

Chapter 16

Monday afternoon found Ryan patiently waiting in the gym at 4 o’clock. Jamie made light of the weekend, mentioning that she had decided to go to Hillsborough and that she had forgotten to wear her phone.

“Did you have a good time?” Ryan asked behind slightly hooded eyes.

“Yeah, pretty good,” she said absently. “Hey, let’s work extra hard on my legs since I didn’t ride this weekend.”

Ryan just nodded professionally, never asking why Jamie didn’t give her prior notice that she would skip their Sunday ride. She was pretty much her normal self, but when they were done she just gazed at Jamie with an absolutely neutral expression on her face. They had been having dinner together at least 3 nights a week, usually on Monday, Wednesday and Friday after their training. But she made no mention of that as she shoved her hands in the pockets of her warm ups and continued with that penetrating gaze.

The last thing Jamie wanted to do was talk about Jack at this point so she just smiled and said, “See you Wednesday, okay?”

“Sounds good,” Ryan said as her normally open face shut like a steel door.

***

“I have never been so surprised by anything in my whole life!” Jamie nearly cried with elation as she recounted the events of the weekend to Anna.

“Tell me about how you felt when he made the overture,” Anna urged.

“Just like I told you before,” Jamie said with a touch of irritation. “I felt great! It was so validating to have him admit that he was in the wrong about so many things! It just made me feel great!”

“And you accepted his offer immediately,” Anna said, stating the obvious.

“Well, yes! Why wouldn’t I? He apologized for everything, Anna! I must not be making myself clear! He took away every issue that bothered me in our relationship. And he showed me in very concrete terms how willing he was to change. That’s what really made me believe him.”

“He didn’t take away every issue, Jamie,” Anna reminded her. “He didn’t take away Ryan.”

Jamie had to bite back a sharp retort. Anna obviously did not understand the gravity of Jack’s actions but her slowness was beginning to irritate. “Anna,” she said as patiently as she could, “He forced me to seek comfort and understanding from another person. I wouldn’t have even noticed her if she had not been such a good listener. And I’m not accusing her of being opportunistic but I was in a really vulnerable space during all of this. She just filled a void that Jack should not have created!”

“So you believe that your attraction to women was just a reaction?” she asked with one raised eyebrow.

“I’m not attracted to women!” Jamie nearly shouted. “I was attracted to Ryan. Just Ryan. But if I can have a normal relationship there’s no reason to even explore those feelings. I mean, what if Jack and I were married and I met a guy who I thought was just a tiny bit more compatible with me. I wouldn’t explore that possibility. I would be committed to Jack and by its very nature that commitment precludes me from doing that. It’s the same with Ryan. I might be able to have a sexual relationship with her, but how is that different from the scenario I just laid out? Just because I could love her doesn’t mean I should! Besides, Ryan has never shown an ability to love one woman. I can’t imagine anything worse than turning Jack down to be with her and have her find that she can’t be monogamous! God, I’d kill myself!”

“Well, our time is about up, Jamie,” she said as she stared directly into her eyes. “But before Wednesday I think you should spend some more time thinking about this. Your life doesn’t have to come down to a decision between these two people, either. Try thinking in terms of what you want from a person rather than Jack versus Ryan. Think of your attractions in general…the men and the women that you’ve been attracted to.”

“Well I can save the time,” Jamie said confidently. “I’ve never been attracted to another woman. Ryan’s the only temptation I’ve ever had. And if I can keep her as a friend I think I would have everything that I want.”

***

Just before she got into bed Jamie’s cell phone rang. “Hello,” she said as she fumbled with the flip up cover.

“Hi,” Jack’s deep voice replied. “I wanted to make sure I got home in time to catch you before bed. How did I do?”

“I was half in,” she admitted. “So I’d say you did well. How was your day?”

“Slow…very slow in fact. I was counting the hours until Friday when you come down.” He paused a second and quickly said, “God! That was presumptuous of me! Do you want to see me this weekend, Jamie?”

“Yes, of course I do,” she replied.

“Okay, would you like me to come up to Berkeley? I’d be happy to.”

“You would?”

“Sure. Your house is lots nicer than my apartment. I’d be happy to stay with you. I don’t even know how we got into the rut of you coming down here, anyway.”

“I’m not sure myself,” she said slowly. “But I like to get away from my roommates for a while. So I’ll come down there,” she offered.

“I still don’t think I can wait until Friday,” he mused. “How about dinner on Wednesday?”

“Okay,” she said, completely charmed by his neediness. “I’m busy until 6:30. Meet me here?”

“Deal. I’ll call you tomorrow,” he said decisively. “I love you, Jamie.”

“I love you too, Jack.” I really do, she thought as the happiness welled up in her chest.

***

Wednesday afternoon was a replay of Monday except that Jamie kept up a constant dialog during their session. At the end she smiled at Ryan and said, “Gotta go, don’t want to be late for therapy.”

But this time Ryan didn’t even reply. She nodded almost imperceptibly and turned to start her own workout, leaving Jamie standing in the middle of the gym, alone.

***

Her frustration was at the boiling point as she unloaded on Anna. “She acts like I owe her an explanation for my whereabouts! Just because we’ve had dinner together quite a few times does not mean that I’m obligated to do so does it?”

But Anna recognized that this question was rhetorical so she wisely kept her opinion to herself.

“She told me clearly that if I wanted to find a man she would support me totally! But now she acts so possessive! You should have seen her, Anna. She barely made eye contact with me!”

“Tell me again what she told you when you made that overture to her.”

“She told me that if I wanted to be with men all I had to do was tell her and she would understand,” she said with a glower.

“You haven’t upheld your end of the bargain, Jamie,” she gently reminded her.

“What?”

“You haven’t told her anything. You’re rolling along as usual and all of a sudden you don’t go on your bike ride, you don’t answer your phone and you don’t keep your normal dinner plans. You’ve told me how perceptive she is. Don’t you think she knows something is going on?”

“I shouldn’t have to report every little thing,” she scoffed.

“Jamie, this isn’t a little thing. You can obviously make your own choice but if you want to retain Ryan’s trust I think you should at least tell her that you need some space. That would be much more generous than just ignoring her.”

Jamie took in a deep breath as she shook her head and grumbled, “This is why I’ve never had many close friends. They’re too much trouble!”

***

Jack showed up at 7 on the dot, carrying a big paper bag that emitted a delicious aroma. “I thought you’d be tired after running around all day. I remembered that you liked that Dim Sum place down by me, so I stopped and picked up dinner.”

“That is so sweet!” she cried as she tossed her arms around his neck. “Kitchen or dining room?” she asked as she led him into the kitchen to obtain plates.

“How about your room? We can be a little more casual up there.”

She gave him a knowing grin but quickly acceded to his wishes.

***

An hour and a half later they were sprawled across the loveseat. Her torso was on his lap with her legs spread wide, one over the back and one over the arm of the small piece, jeans and panties on the floor. His fingers were busily working away at her throbbing vulva, guided gently by her own hand. Their foreplay was so extensive that a few minutes of the soft stroking propelled her towards a very fulfilling orgasm. She had slid lower and lower on his lap and by the time she recovered her face was level with his painfully erect penis. “Can I help you with that, Mister?” she asked with a sly grin.

“Much appreciated, Ma’am,” he said as he grimaced and tried to unzip. She gently pushed his hands away and took over for him, feeling bolder as she proceeded. He lifted up and she pulled his jeans and shorts down fully, then lay right back down where she had been.

She used her hands again but her mouth was so temptingly close that she could not help give him a few gentle kisses. She got a perverse thrill from his reaction, smiling broadly as his penis actually jerked rather dramatically at the sensation. The mere thought of her mouth on him was obviously arousing and he finished almost immediately, sinking back against the cushions of the loveseat, satiated and content.

***

She knew that Ryan was generally free on Thursday evenings, so after her last class she paged her. It only took a few minutes for the return call. “Hi,” she said rather neutrally. “What’s up?”

“Can we have dinner tonight?” Jamie asked hesitantly.

“Um…let me think about that for a moment,” Ryan replied. “Okay,” she finally said, “I can do it.”

“If it’s not convenient…”

“No, I was just trying to remember what we were having since I’ll have to eat it for lunch tomorrow,” she said with a chuckle.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. You’re worth cold pork chops. I’ll be there in 15 minutes.”

***

“So…” Ryan said after they were seated at her favorite little Chinese restaurant on Telegraph. “Why did you want to see me?”

“Gosh, can’t I just want to have dinner with you?” she asked rather sharply.

“Sure you can, you just haven’t seemed to want to lately,” Ryan replied as she leveled her gaze and stared right into Jamie’s shifting green eyes.

“I’ve uh…I’ve just had some things to do. I didn’t know we had any plans that I was breaking,” she said defensively.

“We didn’t,” Ryan assured her as she reached over and covered her small hand with her own. “You just seem like something’s bothering you and I’ve been concerned.”

“No, nothing’s bothering me,” Jamie assured her. “But I do have some interesting news to report.” Ryan didn’t reply verbally, but her eyebrows lifted in question. “Um…I’ve re-established contact with Jack,” she said quickly, afraid of the look she would see in Ryan’s eyes. But her friend either did not have a reaction or she was very good at hiding it. Ryan just tilted her head slightly and nodded, encouraging Jamie to continue.

Ryan still held her hand while she maintained her gaze. A couple of guys, obviously students, walked by the table. The one in the lead muttered, “Dykes!” as they passed, much to the enjoyment of his friend. Jamie yanked her hand back roughly, shocking Ryan in the process. A look of quiet sorrow flashed across her handsome features, but she composed herself almost immediately without commenting on the men.

Jamie couldn’t bring herself to mention it either so she jumped into her reason for the dinner. “I’m ah…not sure where this will lead but he seems very sincere about changing the things that bothered me about our relationship.”

“That’s encouraging,” Ryan said absently as their food was delivered. She dug in immediately, savoring the spicy tastes as her attention was fully occupied. After several bites of everything she said rather flatly, “Tell me more if you want to.”

But Jamie did not feel safe with her tonight. She wasn’t sure if Ryan had a barrier up or if she just didn’t feel comfortable but she had said all she was willing to say. “Not much else. I’ll let you know how it goes.”

“Do that,” she said with a 10 watt smile.

***

“Let me get the check, Ryan,” Jamie said as she tried to tug the bill from her friend’s hand when they were finished. The rest of the dinner was filled with periods of very stilted silence and Ryan slowly drove her crazy as she fixed her with a penetrating stare every time she looked up. But the dark, enigmatic woman had nearly nothing to say. Jamie had to carry the entire conversation and by the time they were done she was really ready to go home.

“Not necessary,” she assured her. “Your portion is $11.26,” she added after a quick glance as she pulled her neatly folded bills from her side pocket.

Jamie tossed $15.00 at her and quickly got to her feet. “Keep the rest for tip,” she mumbled as she stumbled out the door, trying to stop the tears from flowing. Ryan quickly settled the bill and chased her down the street, having to grab Jamie’s shoulder to slow her down.

“Jamie, please stop and talk to me,” she begged. But Jamie was resolute in her determination to hide her face from her friend. No matter how Ryan approached she turned her back quickly, brushing her aside with finality.

“I tried to talk to you…that’s why I asked you here tonight. I…I thought you’d be happy for me,” she sniffed, still unable to face her.

Ryan came up behind her back and silently wrapped her arms around her small waist. She leaned in close and closed her eyes as she felt her stiff body start to relax into the hug. “Jamie, I am happy for you if this is what you want,” Ryan whispered. “It just hurt my feelings that you’ve been so distant. I swear I support your decision, no matter what you choose, but I don’t want to lose you as a friend. You’ve been avoiding me for a week and it’s really hurt my feelings,” she admitted. “I’m sorry that I didn’t hide that better.”

“You don’t have to hide anything, Ryan,” she tearfully assured her. She slowly turned in her embrace and rested her head on Ryan’s chest. “I’m sorry,” she sniffed. “I didn’t mean to do that but I’ve just been feeling overwhelmed,” she admitted.

“That’s what makes me your friend,” she insisted. “I want to be there for you when you feel overwhelmed. Don’t shut me out, Jamie.” She looked down at her with pain-infused eyes and Jamie immediately felt disgusted with herself for doing just that.

“I…I was afraid that you’d…”

Ryan gripped her chin with her fingers and tilted her head up so she had to look into her eyes. “I want you to have what you want…what you need…I am your friend, Jamie. I meant what I told you. If you want to be with men I just want you to have the man who makes you happy. If that’s Jack, I say good for him.” Her eyes gave credence her sincerity but there was a tiny hint of sadness that was impossible for Jamie to ignore.

She dropped her head again and nestled against Ryan’s broad chest. “Thank you, ” she whispered. “Thank you for being my friend.”

***

Friday afternoon found her once again in Anna’s office, musing about her relationship with Ryan. “Thank God I was right about her,” she said with relief. “She was very supportive and I really believe that she wants what’s best for me.”

“She has been an extraordinary friend,” Anna agreed.

“Yeah, I haven’t proven worthy of her a few times, but she always welcomes me back.” She hesitated a moment and then told Anna, “I think I’m going to sleep with Jack this weekend.”

She just nodded noncommittally.

“Do you think that’s a good idea?” Jamie asked.

“Hmm, do you really want me to make those decisions for you, Jamie?” she asked her seriously.

“I guess not,” she replied glumly. “I just wish I knew I was doing the right thing.”

“Right thing?”

“Yeah. Am I sure I want to be back with him? Should I be certain before I sleep with him? All that stuff.”

“Have you tried to stay present and just let yourself feel your feelings?”

“Yeah, I think I have, but it’s sometimes hard for me to stop analyzing things.”

“That is hard,” Anna agreed. “But it’s the best advice I can give you, Jamie. Just open your heart and let your emotions guide you.”

***

Just to be safe she carried a box of condoms in her overnight bag. She knew she was over reacting a bit since she was still on the pill but she was not sure that Jack had not been with anyone else during their hiatus and she did not really want to know if he had, so she thought it was best to make him think the condoms were a necessity. She also had not told her parents she was coming down, reasoning that she would just go over there if she didn’t feel comfortable sleeping with him.

Their dinner was a very pleasant affair. He had ordered carry outs that were waiting for her when she arrived. “I hate to see you spend your Friday evenings cooking for me,” he said sweetly. “I know you have a long week too, and it just seems unfair.”

“You,” she said as she tapped his nose, “are making a lot of brownie points with me, Mister.”

“I’m not trying to make brownie points, Jamie,” he said with a sincere look on his face. “I’m just trying to be considerate.”

After dinner he proposed a walk in the neighborhood or even a movie. “No, I’d rather stay in and concentrate on you fully,” she said with a smile.

They relaxed together on the sofa, talking about their respective weeks. The time flew by as they sipped several glasses of cabernet, getting closer and closer until they were fully entwined. Jack placed their glasses on the coffee table and started to kiss and caress Jamie with a relentless intensity. He kissed her more and more passionately until she was squirming against his weight. “Let’s go to bed,” she murmured into his ear. He was on his feet in a nanosecond, tugging her up with him.

When they reached the bedroom he tenderly undressed her, slowly running his hands over each part of her body as it was revealed. “You look so awesome, Jamie,” he said in a nearly reverent voice. “Your body is so firm and sleek. The muscles really make you look hot,” he whispered as he nibbled her neck.

She spent a long time undressing him, gazing at his long, lean body with complete approval. She crossed the room and retrieved her bag, pulling the box of condoms from it with a flourish. “A whole box?” he said with a rakish look.

“Don’t be a glutton,” she chided with a toss of her head. She went into the bath and got ready for bed, stopping to stare at herself in the mirror for a moment. I want this, she said firmly to her suspicious conscience.

When Jack had finished brushing his teeth she was lying on the bed with the covers pushed back. He slid in next to her and started to kiss and touch her again. It didn’t take long to yank her right back up to her previous heights of arousal and a few minutes later she whispered, “I’m ready for you, Jack.”

But instead of entering her immediately he started to lightly touch her vulva just as he had at her house on Wednesday. This surprised her but it felt divine so she did not complain. Automatically her hand went to his groin and she began to touch him in a similar fashion. They began to kiss again as their hands worked away and the dual sensations caused her to be swept away to a delightful orgasm rather quickly. He followed close behind, uttering soft little moans of pleasure as he climaxed.

They rested for a brief time and she finally broke the silence when she murmured, “We didn’t get to use a condom.”

“No big deal,” he assured her. “I had a great time.”

“That was exactly what I have wanted sex to be like,” she murmured slowly as she sank into a peaceful, satisfied sleep.

***

He woke up on Saturday ready to go again but he very happily settled for a little manual assistance. Jamie got all of the cuddling she wanted so they both started the day in an ebullient mood. They both had studying to do so they spent the better part of the day in front of their respective books. But at around 6 he suggested they take a walk and have dinner in the neighborhood. When they returned at 9 she was beat and she found that she had no interest in sex. He accepted her choice without complaint, cuddling against her after a few chaste kisses.

***

Sunday was another day of surprises. “How about brunch?” he asked with a sunny smile as she woke from a nice dream.

“Brunch?”

“Sure. We can go somewhere in the neighborhood, or we could go to the club if you want to go with your parents.”

“Hmm, I’d rather be with just you,” she said, not mentioning that she didn’t want her parents to know of the reconciliation attempt quite yet.

“Great, you pick the place and we’re there.”

***

They had a great time together and he even let her pick up the check, smiling sedately as she whipped out her American Express card.

Heading back to his apartment they each spent a few hours reading. She had already decided that she needed to be home early to work on a paper on her computer. At around 3 she looked up to see him eyeing her hungrily. He’s been such a darling, she thought to herself. Come on and make the first move. She didn’t say a word as she got up from the sofa. Rather, she extended her hand and led him into the bedroom. He smiled shyly at her as she started to undress him, but he happily allowed her to continue. After he had returned the favor he picked her up and carried her the short distance to the bed.

The next 15 minutes were spent driving her absolutely wild. He placed her on her stomach and started at her heels, slowly kissing and licking and sucking every bit of skin that he could reach. She just hummed with pleasure, murmuring small words of encouragement. He rolled her over onto her back and started at the bottom again. Unable to hold back her question any longer she lifted up onto an arm and said, “Where did you learn all of this?”

He chuckled deep in his chest and released her foot from his grasp. “I…um…read some books,” he said with an adorable blush that covered him from his chest to his hairline.

“You read books?” she asked in amazement.

“Yeah, that’s how I learn everything else,” he explained. “Why not this?”

She flopped back down on the bed and spread her arms out in surrender. “Those were some very, very good books,” she murmured compliantly as he continued his quest.

He moved up her body an inch at a time, smiling at her encouraging entreaties, but not moving any faster than his current torturous pace. When he reached her breasts he worshiped them for long minutes, ignoring Jamie’s small, soft moans and her invitingly spread legs.

She felt more turned on than she had ever been before, finally feeling safe to abandon some of her inhibitions and show him just exactly how she felt. He seemed to be enjoying himself just as much as she was which increased her arousal even more. But try as she might she began to grow tense as he tentatively moved between her legs and gingerly spread her lips apart. She could actually feel her heart thumping in her chest and she tried to breathe deeply to relax. But a quick glance down showed a look on Jack’s face that mirrored that of an anxious father trying to assemble an intricate bike on Christmas Eve. His brow was furrowed and he looked very hesitant but he took a deep breath and moved forward.

“Oh my God!!” she cried aloud when his soft, smooth tongue glided across her aching flesh. Her legs spread even further open in an unconsciously automatic gesture. His forehead was still knotted in concentration but he began to move his head slowly, like a cat lapping milk from a saucer. How can anything that feels this good make me this anxious? she asked herself in recrimination. But she was anxious, very anxious in fact, and her anxiety was compounded by the fact that she knew this was a seminal event in their sexual relationship. She desperately wanted to be able to enjoy oral sex if she was going to be with Jack for the next 50 or 60 years but she knew that he would not have the confidence to try again if she was not receptive. But he just looked so tense and rigid lying between her legs that she fought with the instinct to just tap him on the shoulder and pull him up.

You have to concentrate on the feeling! she reminded herself over and over. The feeling is fabulous! Don’t look at his face, that’s throwing you off! She closed her eyes tightly and tried to concentrate fully on the sensations flooding her body but it was rough going. She realized that the only way to enjoy this experience was to shut off her conscious mind, something that she found difficult to do in the best of situations. But this act required an openness that she was not sure she possessed. She desperately tried to force herself to think of calming thoughts and experiences but something kept creeping into the corners of her mind.

Her unconscious mind knew the truth, though, and it kept reminding her that the most relaxed she ever felt was when she was with a certain dark haired beauty. She tried to keep those images out of her head but eventually she grew tired of fighting and just succumbed. Jack’s rigid body was immediately replaced in her mind’s eye by the long, smooth body with the soft sensual curves. His tense face gave way to the dark flowing hair, so silky and smooth as it trailed over her sensitive thighs. The dark head lifted just a touch, and those clear blue eyes, so confident and experienced, twinkled up at her as one brow lifted rakishly. The crystal blue eyes stayed locked on her own as that soft pink tongue dipped down to take another taste. A look of indescribable pleasure settled onto her beautiful features and her eyelids fluttered heavily as she dropped her head to lustily consume the tortured flesh. Suddenly, nothing existed except those few precious inches of real estate. Every sensation in her body went to and came from her vulva. Before she was even conscious of her actions she grabbed a handful of sandy blonde hair and thrust herself hard against his face, moaning deeply as her orgasm permeated every nerve and muscle in her body.

She was vaguely aware of Jack making some annoying motions as she tried to gather her composure but before she could even open her eyes his rock hard penis was poised at her lips, demanding entrance. She remembered Ryan’s advice about being on top but she was too enervated to breathe, let alone manipulate him onto his back. Making the best of the situation she opened her mouth and took his latex covered member into her mouth. She fought hard to keep him shallow and after a few moments she adjusted to the odd sensation and began to actually try to think of ways to enhance his enjoyment rather than just lie there and let him control the movement. She found that the condom made the experience much more enjoyable for her since she would not have to deal with his climax. Her receptivity and his intense arousal combined to send him over the edge just a few minutes after he entered her mouth. It was strangely thrilling to feel him jerk and pulse inside her mouth, but the condom gave her a confidence that she would not have expected. His softening member remained within her and she delicately withdrew it as she gave it one last kiss. God, another minute or two and I would have come again, she mused from her satiated fog. She knew something was bothering her but she was too exhausted to think of it, instead just wrapping her arms around Jack’s heavy body and drifting off into a dreamless sleep.

***

Soft lips nuzzled her neck and she shifted slightly to increase the sensation. Oh God, Ryan, you are so good, she mused from her sensual haze. She turned to kiss those rose tinted lips but as she turned and met Jack’s twinkling eyes she nearly screamed in shock.

“What’s wrong, Honey?” he asked quickly upon seeing her jerk.

“Oh, nothing, nothing,” she insisted. “I was just dreaming…I must not have been fully awake.” She shook her head roughly, trying to focus on who she was, where she was, and why she was in bed with Jack, since Ryan had just made love to her.

Oh shit, not this again, she moaned to herself as she became fully conscious. Why did I have to use her again? Jesus! He’s doing everything I ever wanted him to do! Get out of my god damned bed, Ryan! But even though her emotions blamed Ryan she knew in her soul that it was not her fault. She couldn’t help that she was gorgeous and sexy and alluring and so smooth and warm and soft when Jamie was wrapped in her strong arms. STOP IT! Just stop it right now! she ordered her mind. You’re in bed with Jack and he’s being the sweetest man on earth! Concentrate, damn it!

“Are you really okay, Jamie?” he asked rather tentatively, trying to connect with her far away look.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” she said as she tried to shake the image of that beautiful face from her brain. She smiled up at Jack and said shyly, “I think you sent me into another world with that orgasm.”

He smiled down at her, beaming proudly at his accomplishments. “Should I send in a reader’s review to Amazon.com on the books I bought?”

“Definitely,” she said with a matching smile. While you’re on there see if you can find me something on self-hypnosis, will ya?

***

She had to head home and work on that paper. Yep, definitely time to get to work. But even though the shortest way to Berkeley from Palo Alto was straight up she found her little Porsche heading north on the 101 winding up in the Noe Valley. Her fingers automatically dialed the pager, waiting patiently for her friend to return the call. As usual it took mere minutes. “Hi,” she said in a reasonable facsimile of her normal tone.

“Finished with dinner?” Jamie asked.

“Yep. I just finished being me and Brendan,” she said with a chuckle, referring to their clean-up regimen.

“Any plans for tonight?” she asked as lightly as possible.

“I was going to spend the evening with a few thousand pairs of chromosomes but I could easily be persuaded to put my biology homework aside. What do you have in mind?”

“How would you like me to buy you dessert?”

“Sure. When will you be here?”

“About 30 seconds? I’m in front of your house.”

“Get in here, you loon!”

***

They decided to do the ‘Double Rainbow Death March’ as Jamie affectionately called it. The walk was not only long, it was terribly hilly, but it allowed her to gather her thoughts. They spoke of their respective weekends, and Ryan regaled her with a hilarious description of a frazzled ride leader who got over 50 people terribly lost in the Berkeley hills that afternoon. Ryan could clearly tell that something was bothering Jamie but she tried to keep the conversation light and let her go at her own pace. But by the time they reached the ice cream shop Ryan was out of interesting stories about her weekend with Caitlin and Duffy’s latest exploits. They got their ice cream and started trudging back, the silence descending upon them until Jamie finally broke it.

“Can we talk about sex?”

“Uhh, sure,” Ryan said carefully. “What do you want to talk about?”

“I want to talk about some pretty graphic stuff. Are you sure you’re okay with that?”

“Hit me with your best shot,” Ryan said with a confident smile.

“Well, you know I’m trying to work out some issues with Jack to see if we should get back together permanently.” A nod urged her to continue. “Well, since one of our biggest problems is sex I decided to sleep with him this weekend.” She wasn’t sure but she thought she caught just a glimmer of pain flash across that beautiful face. But Ryan turned slightly and smiled at her, still not commenting. “Something really bothered me about it and I don’t know who else to talk to.”

“Go ahead,” she urged. “I can take it.”

“Okay,” she said as she took a breath. “Um do you ever…ahh…fantasize while you’re having sex?”

Ryan nodded just a tiny bit and said, “I think that’s a very common thing for women to do. Some women do it once in a while, some do it every time. But I don’t think it’s necessarily anything that should concern you.”

“You didn’t really answer my question,” Jamie said rather shyly.

“I didn’t?”

“No. I asked if you ever fantasized.”

“Oh…I guess you did, didn’t you,” she blushed. “Well, um…sure I have. I think everyone does some times.”

“When do you do it?” she persisted.

“When? Like specifically when?” she asked lamely.

“This bothers you,” Jamie said firmly. “We don’t have to talk about it any more.”

“No, no, it’s not that it bothers me,” Ryan admitted. “I’m just worried about why you want the information. I’m afraid of saying something that you’ll misinterpret as the norm.”

“Huh?”

“I don’t want you to assume that the way I have sex is the right way, Jamie. I’m happy to tell you anything you want to know, but I just don’t want you to over-interpret.”

“Okay. I promise I’ll view your opinion as a sample of one,” she smirked.

Ryan shot her a quirky grin and finally answered her question fully. “I have fantasized in order to have an orgasm. But it’s not something I do routinely. I would have to say it’s a last resort.”

“Last resort?”

“Yeah, if I can’t come any other way I’ll fantasize to get there.”

“But it doesn’t happen often.”

“No. And it never happens with anyone I know well. I’m all about connection when I have sex. I’m really into experiencing my partner. You know…like on every plane. I love to taste and smell and feel them…just let them in as much as possible. If I’m having sex with someone I really like that feeling just gets more intense. I try to open myself up even more with people I trust to experience everything they have to give. A fantasy is something I have to use to be less connected to my partner…like if I misjudged someone.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Well, I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this but if don’t know the person I’m sleeping with I often don’t let them touch me…genitally at least,” she added with a smirk. “But once in a while I let someone I don’t know touch me and sometimes I misjudge them and find that they don’t arouse me or their technique just doesn’t work for me. But rather than hurting their feelings and telling them to stop I’ll just fantasize so I can have an orgasm and get out of there.” Her lips quirked up in a grin as she added, “Pretty romantic, huh?”

“The first part was,” Jamie said wistfully as she let out a heavy sigh.

They were back at the house by now and after a few minutes of small talk with Da they walked down to Ryan’s room. Jamie sat on the loveseat and Ryan pulled her desk chair over, climbing onto it back wards and leaning forward to face her friend. “Tell me what’s really going on, Jamie. It’s clear that something is really bothering you.”

“God, I really want to talk about it with you, Ryan, but I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“You won’t,” she said sincerely. “I really can take it, Jamie.”

She nodded briefly as she bit her lip in a nervous gesture. “Okay,” she finally said. “We had some of the best sex we’ve ever had this weekend. He was like a different guy, Ryan. He was gentle and very loving and he tried really hard to be experimental. And things went great! They really did,” she said emphatically.

Ryan continued to gaze at her with a penetrating stare. “But…” she said softly.

“But, this afternoon bothered me…a lot,” she admitted. “He tried to make love to me with his mouth and even though it felt fabulous I had a lot of trouble concentrating and staying connected to him. I mean, he was really doing a good job!” she exclaimed rather defensively.

Ryan just nodded, not saying a word.

“I had to…fantasize to have an orgasm and it really bothered me,” she said as tears welled up in her eyes.

“Why did it bother you?” Ryan asked softly, her deep voice surrounding Jamie’s senses like a dense fog.

“Because I had to think about …you,” she sniffed as she broke into tears. Immediately, Ryan was next to her, cradling her in her wonderfully warm and comforting embrace. She rocked her slowly, making soft ‘shushing’ sounds to calm her.

“I…I don’t know what to do, Ryan,” she sniffed. “Part of me only wants to be with you and no one else for the rest of my life. But another part knows that Jack is safe and reassuring and…and…”

“Normal,” Ryan finished for her quietly.

Jamie lifted her tear streaked face and gazed at her pathetically. “Is it so wrong to want to be like everybody else?”

“No, it’s not wrong, Jamie,” she said softly. “But it won’t work if it’s not right for you.”

“But how do I know, Ryan? I’m so afraid…”

“I know, Jamie. I really do know,” she said with her voice full of emotion and empathy.

“I just wish there was some way that I could…you know…kind of experiment before I had to make a decision.” She looked up a Ryan with the barest hint of a question in her green eyes.

“What exactly do you mean?” Ryan asked carefully as she sat up slightly.

“I don’t know,” she grumbled. “I mean I know what it’s like with Jack but I don’t know if I’d really be happy with a woman. I wish I could…you know…experiment a little before I had to jump in.”

“And you would like to experiment with me?” she asked in that same calm tone of voice.

“Well, yeah,” Jamie laughed with an embarrassed giggle. “I’m not attracted to any other woman.”

“Oh,” Ryan said as she released her hold and stood. “You want me to make love to you so you can make sure I really do turn you on.” She was obviously getting angry and Jamie tried to stop her to explain but Ryan was on a roll. “So if I fuck you well enough I win, but if your orgasm doesn’t reach a certain height you put me back in ‘friendville’ and go marry Jack, right? Now correct me if I got any part of this wrong, Jamie,” she said with biting sarcasm. “Do I get two out of three tries? Do I immediately go to oral sex or can I pull out a big dildo to help me out?” She was towering over Jamie’s now shaking body, glaring at her with an intensity that was terrifying to the smaller woman. “I’d tell you where you can stick your idea, Jamie, but that might be another area I might be expected to satisfy!” She turned and ran up the stairs, yanking the front door open violently and shutting it with a glass rattling slam.

***

She wasn’t sure of many things right then. But she was most definitely sure that she had never been more bereft. She was as sure as she had ever been that she had destroyed her friendship with the closest friend she had ever dreamed of having, and she was equally certain that Ryan would never have her as a lover. She hovered over the commode, heaving every morsel of food and acid from her clenching stomach, hoping fervently that she did not pass out, since that would only make a worse mess for Ryan to clean. She was crying so violently that she did not hear her come back into the room but soft warm hands lifted her gently from her kneeling position and scooped her up into Ryan’s embrace. She carried her back to the loveseat and placed her gently on the cushions but Jamie’s fragmented brain could hardly accept the generous gesture. Seconds later a warm cloth whisked the tears from her face and wiped her mouth gently. Then the cushions compressed as Ryan sat down right next to her and pulled her onto her lap.

The dark head leaned forward and planted tiny, soft kisses all over her face, reassuring Jamie with her physical intimacies. When the great, heaving sobs calmed she tugged the smaller woman close and whispered, “I’m so sorry, Jamie. I’m so very sorry.”

She accepted the apology even though she did not believe that Ryan had anything to apologize for. “I’m the one who should apologize,” she murmured against her damp neck.

“No,” Ryan said firmly. “I told you to tell me what was on your mind and when you did I blasted you for it. That was just wrong of me, Jamie. And I’m very sorry for doing that.”

“I hurt your feelings, Ryan,” she mumbled softly.

“Yes, you did hurt me,” she agreed. “But you didn’t mean to. You’re just trying to find a way to make this whole thing less frightening for yourself and I should have realized that.”

“Are you still my friend?” she asked tentatively.

“Always,” Ryan replied confidently. “I will always be your friend, Jamie.” After a second she explained, “But if we were to sleep together on a whim I don’t think I could be your friend. You mean far too much to me to cheapen what I feel for you, Jamie. I can’t and I won’t reduce my feelings for you to mere lust.”

“I’m so sorry I made you feel that way, Ryan. I don’t know where that even came from,” she said sadly as she shook her head. “I find myself saying and doing things that are just not me! I hardly recognize the woman who propositioned you just to try lesbian sex out!”

Ryan’s gentle chuckle caused her to look up. “It wasn’t that bad,” she teased.

“Yes it was,” Jamie said firmly. “That’s not who I am, Ryan. I don’t even know where that thought came from but it’s not how I think of you.”

“Thank you,” she murmured as she gave her a gentle squeeze. “That makes me feel better.”

She uttered a deep sigh and moaned, holding her stomach. “I should get home. I need to get something in my stomach.”

Ryan sat back and regarded her carefully. Jamie was still terribly pale, her face nearly ashen. Her hands were clammy and shaking a little, whether from nerves or vomiting, Ryan wasn’t sure. She was however, sure that she would not allow Jamie to drive in this condition. “Two options,” she said firmly. “You stay here or I drive you home. Your choice.”

She knew that nothing could budge Ryan when she had that determined look on her face so she pursed her lips and said, “I’ll stay.”

Ryan got her a pair of flannel pajamas but she could not keep the pants up so she decided to sleep in the roomy top and her panties. She tucked her into bed and went back to her desk to study for a while but it was clear from the tossing and turning that Jamie could not sleep.

Without even asking if she wished comfort Ryan took her book and got into bed, lying in the center of the king sized surface. She urged Jamie to rest her head in her sweatpants covered lap and began to slowly run her fingers through her short blonde locks. As expected, her breathing evened out and deepened almost immediately as Ryan smiled down at the gently dozing woman nestled up against her body. Come on, Jamie, she urged in silent prayer. Face the truth!

***

“I understand that the dream upset you, Jamie, but maybe we can make some sense out of it if you’ll talk about it,” Anna urged.

“All right,” Jamie begrudgingly agreed. “I was swimming in my parents pool at home. Everything was fine, nice day and all that, but the water was chilly so I had to keep moving. But all of a sudden I was in the ocean. It was weird because I couldn’t see land but the water was so calm and still that it was just like the pool had been. Nice and calm but still a little cold. But it was definitely the ocean and I knew that it was really deep so I had to keep floating. There were all sorts of things floating right by me; a life preserver, a thick pool float, even one of those floating chairs. But I didn’t want any of them for some reason. I just kept on trying to swim. It went fine for a while but eventually I got tired of trying to just stay afloat. But here’s the weird part. Instead of grasping on to one of the nice safe life rafts I started to venture into the choppy, rough water that I could see in the distance.

“I don’t know why I did it,” she marveled. “The place I was in was so much calmer and safer, but I had to reach that turbulent water. The closer I got the more energized I felt,” she said in wonder. “It was really rough going but I had to continue farther and farther out. Even though the water was wild and rough it was much warmer and clearer. I could actually see all of the marine life surrounding me and that made it very exciting. The water was so blue and clear it was like I was in the Caribbean rather than California. But again, the waves continued to grow. The chop must have been two feet and I felt like I’d never make it. But out of nowhere Ryan appeared. She swam right up to me so confidently that I immediately started to relax. I really needed her help but she didn’t grab me like I thought she would. Instead, she gave me a beautiful smile and turned so that she was lying on her back. She started to kick and move farther out into even rougher weather. Her eyes were on me the whole time and seeing her encouraged me but she wasn’t giving me the kind of help I needed. She just smiled and kept kicking. I knew that I had to follow her because she was my only chance at survival! But as I soon found out, she was not going towards shore. I could now see the shore and the calm waters but I was inexorably drawn to follow her. It made no sense to me!” she said in a frustrated tone. “The shore was the other way! All of those things that kept me afloat were in the other direction. But I followed her into those deep, treacherous waters.”

“Is that all you remember?” Anna asked.

“Yeah, that’s it.”

“Have any ideas about the meaning?”

“Yeah, that choosing Ryan’s going to be the death of me,” she grumbled. “I mean I had that nice pool, I had the nice calm ocean but I just had to let her lead me into the depths.”

“Maybe,” Anna mused slowly. “Or maybe she wasn’t leading you at all. Maybe she was supporting you on a journey that you were determined to take.”

“Journey?”

“Yes. A journey of discovery, Jamie. Tell me again about the water.”

“Well, the water in the pool was nice. A little cold, but nice. Then the calm ocean water was about the same. But as I went into the rough water it became warm, almost my body temperature. Wait a minute!” she said excitedly. “It was my body temperature! The farther out I got, the less I could even feel the water. It must have been exactly my temperature.”

“What else?”

“It was warm and very, very clear. The water in the calm part had been like regular ocean water. You could only see a few inches. But the rough water was so clear you could see everything around you. It was really exciting,” she related. “Kinda like scuba diving.”

“Were you afraid to follow Ryan?”

“Yes! I was scared spitless!”

“But you chose to, even though you could see the shore and the nice calm water.”

“Yes, I did,” she said quietly.

“Why do you think you chose to follow her into dangerous waters rather than go back to safety?” Anna asked.

Jamie was quiet for a long while. She had closed her eyes to allow herself to think more clearly. The silence continued until she lifted her head and opened her eyes, focusing on Anna with a defiant look in her eyes. “Because the calm water was going to kill me,” she said firmly. “The only chance I had was to risk the turbulence.”

“Was it Ryan’s decision to lead you out there?” she asked gently.

“No.” Jamie shook her head forcefully and took a deep breath. “She came out to the turbulence for me. She was risking her own security to help me save myself.”

Anna nodded briefly and asked the critical question. “What does the dream tell you, Jamie?”

She closed her eyes and involuntarily shivered from head to toe. Her eyes blinked open slowly and her voice grew quiet but determined, “It tells me to say goodbye to Jack.”

***

She considered every permutation of plan. Should she have him come to Berkeley? Should she go to his apartment? Over the phone? In a letter? But none of the options seemed optimal. She had never broken up with anyone special before and she truly hated that Jack had to be the one. Finally deciding that she had to get it over with she called his apartment at 7 o’clock.

“Jamie, hi,” he said warmly. “I didn’t expect to hear from you so soon.”

“I need to talk to you, Jack. Can I come down?”

“Tonight?” he asked in surprise. “What is it, Jamie? Is something wrong?”

“Yes, Jack, something is wrong but I think I need to tell you in person.”

“No,” he said firmly. “I don’t want to wait an hour. Don’t hold me in suspense, please,” he begged.

She drew in a breath and let it out slowly, trying to steel her nerves. “It’s about us, Jack,” she said with a tremulous voice.

“I assumed that, Jamie,” he said calmly. “What about us exactly?”

“We…we can’t be together,” she whispered as the tears began.

“Why?” he asked so softly that she could barely hear him. “I thought that I had…”

“You did nothing wrong, Jack. You were absolutely perfect,” she said as the sobs shook her body. “It’s not you…it’s me.”

“What is you?” he asked, again in a barely perceptible voice.

“I’m not able to commit to you fully Jack. I…I…I have sexual feelings for other women,” she mumbled, refusing to make Ryan be the villain.

“So do I Jamie,” he said with as light a tone as he could muster. “But I don’t act on them because I love you. Don’t you love me enough to put those feelings aside?”

She was shaking her head even though he could not see her. “It’s not like that, Jack. It would always interfere between us. You’re too wonderful a person to settle for someone who wasn’t able to give you all of their love.”

“Shouldn’t I be the one who decides that, Jamie?” he asked flatly. “Please don’t try to make my decisions for me.”

“This isn’t just for you, Jack. I’ve tried to focus only on you but I haven’t been successful. This is something I have to experience. It will haunt me forever if I don’t. I swear the pull is just too strong.”

“Stronger than your love for me?” he asked quietly.

“It must be,” she admitted as her voice broke. “God! I wish it wasn’t, Jack!” she sobbed. “I want to be with you, and have a bunch of kids and close this part of myself off. But I can’t. I just can’t,” she added weakly. “It would be unfair to both of us and our children because someday the pull would be too great and I would ruin all that we had built together.”

A long silence developed since she had nothing more to add. Finally he asked, “Are you absolutely certain?”

“Yes,” she said quietly. “I’m certain.”

He blew out a long breath and quietly said, “I love you, Jamie.” Then the phone went dead.

***

The phone rang again at 10 and she was tempted not to answer but she stumbled to the handset and picked it up. “Hello?” she said with her stuffy nose and raspy voice.

“Jamie?” Ryan asked, a little unsure if it was her.

“Yeah,” she said flatly.

“What’s wrong?” Ryan asked amid the noise of wherever she was.

“I had a tough evening,” she mumbled.

“Well, you looked upset while we were working out. That’s why I called. I was getting ready to go home and I wanted to make sure you were all right.”

“I’m all right,” she said very unconvincingly.

“Jamie, we talked about this last week,” she reminded her. “You can tell me what’s bothering you. That’s what friends do.”

“I can’t,” she muttered as she started to cry. “I’ve been crying for 3 hours and I don’t want to start again!”

“I’ll be there in 5,” Ryan said decisively as she hung up.

***

True to her word Ryan knocked softly on the door mere minutes later. Cassie poked her head out but she nodded when she saw Jamie open her door to go answer the knock. Her eyes were swollen from crying, and red blotches covered her face and neck. Her hair was seriously askew from trying to sleep and her nose was running continually. But Ryan just gently placed her hand on her back and led her back upstairs. When they reached the room she put a calming CD in the changer and turned it on to disguise their voices from prying roommates. “You don’t have to tell me anything,” she promised. “Just let me hold you and comfort you.”

Even though she did not speak the tears started again. Jamie stood in the middle of the room looking lost and small and frightened. Her shoulders shook from crying and she was sobbing so hysterically that she could not have been understood if she had tried to speak. But she nodded her head at Ryan’s offer and closed her eyes as the warm embrace enveloped her. “Bed or loveseat?” she asked gently.

Rather than respond Jamie started moving towards the bed and Ryan released her tight hold to drape an arm around her shoulders. She half fell onto the mattress and Ryan kicked off her shoes and climbed right up next to her, snuggling behind her and stroking her arm. She asked no questions and Jamie offered no explanations but after a few minutes she felt the aching sadness begin to lift a little bit. She knew she was close to collapsing from exhaustion so she asked, “Stay with me?”

“Of course,” she murmured. Ryan got up and removed her jeans and slithered out of her bra, a difficult feat when one doesn’t take off the t-shirt covering it. But she quickly returned to the bed and cuddled up behind her friend, wrapping her arm around her waist.

Jamie was almost asleep but just before she drifted off she mumbled, “I broke up with Jack tonight. Permanently,” she added.

Ryan felt a huge amount of empathy for her friend but the tiny glimmer of hope in her heart that had nearly been extinguished flickered and grew warmer, causing a small smile to grace her lips as she tilted her head up to gently kiss Jamie’s tear streaked cheek.

***

On a cloudy, damp afternoon she sat in Anna’s warm office and declared, “I think I’m ready to move forward with Ryan if she’s still interested after my meltdown,” she added with a smirk.

“Have you spoken to her about your relationship since that little incident?” she asked delicately.

“No. We’ve become strangely silent about the whole thing. But we seem to be even closer than we were before,” she admitted. “She hovers over me like a hawk, always making sure that I’m doing all right. We’re together almost constantly and when I don’t see her she calls me right before she goes to sleep.”

“That sounds encouraging. What makes you think you’re ready?” Anna inquired.

“My feelings for her just get stronger all the time. I just feel so good when we’re together. It’s like she is just so complementary to me. I can honestly say that she helps bring out the best parts in me,” she replied thoughtfully.

“Do you have any doubts about moving forward?”

“Yeah, oh yeah!” she laughed. “I’m scared spitless, to be honest. I know in my heart that this is right for me, but I’m really scared about sex,” she admitted, a bit embarrassed.

“What is it that scares you?” Anna asked gently.

“It’s just that I’ve never been with a woman and she’s been with…let’s just say that she’s been with a lot of women,” she blushed. “I worry that I won’t be able to please her, or that she’ll get frustrated with my inexperience.”

“Would you feel comfortable talking to her about your fears?”

“I think I would. I mean I tell her everything else. I may as well own up to this too,” she laughed. “It’s funny, but I dated boys for almost 6 years before I had intercourse. I just wish I could spend a little time just exploring with Ryan before it got too intense. I wish I could get a ‘lesbian learner’s permit’. But that didn’t go over very well the last time I brought it up,” she added with a noticeable shiver.

“That was a completely different situation, Jamie. You’re asking for something very different now. There is no outside force that compels you to do things that you’re not ready to do. If you want to go slow and just explore there is no reason that you can’t do that.”

“I’m just afraid that Ryan wouldn’t be able to do that,” she added shyly. “She has needs that she’s not used to denying.”

“If she’s the person that you think she is you might be surprised at what she would do to make you comfortable, Jamie. I think you owe it to yourself to make this experience as safe as you need it to be. I think you need to talk to Ryan,” she said firmly.

***

They met at the Ferry Building in the foggy chill of a late April morning. Both had several layers of clothing on to guard against the stiff breeze that constantly fluttered through the Golden Gate. They loaded their mountain bikes onto the first ferry to Sausalito and found places on the rail to watch the panorama unfold before them

“You really can talk me into anything, can’t you?” Ryan said as she smiled down at her companion.

“Don’t you think the ferry is fun?” Jamie replied.

“I haven’t been on one since my 4th grade class went to Alcatraz,” she admitted. “All I remember is that Shelly Blake got sick and spent the whole time hanging over the rail. We thought that was pretty cool, so I guess I do think ferries are fun,” she replied with a smile.

“Well, I like them a lot, so you have to too,” Jamie confidently stated. “I can’t remember the last time I was in Sausalito, though. I think it’s fun to do touristy things once in a while, don’t you?”

“I’m learning that I do,” Ryan admitted. “We didn’t do a lot of touristy things when I was growing up, so a lot of this is new for me. Actually, I’m not sure I’ve ever really been to Sausalito. I mean, I’ve gone through it on the way to someplace else, but I don’t think I’ve ever explored it. I’m really looking forward to it, Jamie. Thanks for taking me,” she said happily.

The trip was almost too short for Ryan. She loved the feeling of the fresh breeze in her face, loved the smell of the sea and the feeling of the heavy air as she drew it into her lungs. Jamie just stood back a bit and watched all of Ryan’s senses enjoy the trip.

When they arrived in Sausalito they unloaded the bikes and took off. It was around 10 o’clock and Ryan was hungry as usual, even though she had consumed a rather large breakfast. They found a little outdoor coffee shop right on the water and sat outside in the damp mist while they drank their hot lattés and ate warm muffins.

Ryan looked particularly adorable today. Several weeks ago Jamie accompanied her to the Patagonia store near Fisherman’s Wharf to buy some new bike clothes. Ryan was making enough money now that she was able to bring her savings up to a comfortable level for the first time in years. She decided to splurge and buy several items that she had been lusting after for a long time.

Due to her fitness level Ryan sweated a ton when she rode her bike. She hated wearing cotton tshirts because the sweat just stuck to her body. She had always liked the silk weight underwear from Patagonia, but had never had the money to buy it. Now that she was slightly flush she was ready to shop.

She bought 3 silk weight tshirts that would pull moisture away from her body. She also bought 2 bike jerseys, one short sleeved and one sleeveless that would also wick her sweat away. She had a number of jerseys in her wardrobe but they were all from various races that she had entered and were covered with logos. She absolutely hated to be a walking billboard so the sedate little logo on the Patagonia tops were very welcome. Jamie had talked her into buying two sports bras made of the same type fabric. Her favorite purchase though, was the fluffy fleece jacket that she had on today. It was electric blue and toasty warm on this cool day. Under the jacket she wore a thin nylon vest in a brilliant yellow. This cut the wind and would be handy for wearing later in the day when the weather warmed up.

Jamie had purchased a fleece jacket for herself and a new jersey. Her jacket was a bright blue and green print that complemented her golden hair. Both women wore long black bike pants and their heavy off road shoes.

After watching the morning harbor traffic for a while Jamie asked as casually as she could, “So, have you been dating anybody lately?”

“No, I haven’t,” Ryan said as she removed her gaze from the harbor and fixed it upon Jamie. “What do you think I do? Leave your house at 10 and go trolling for my nightly fix?”

“What about all those girls I’ve seen you around campus with?” she teased.

“I am polite, Jamie,” she said seriously. “But just because I’m talking to women doesn’t mean I’m sleeping with them,” she said rather curtly as she picked up her trash and walked to the nearest bin to toss it away. When she returned her smile was back in place and she held a hand out to help Jamie to her feet.

As they got on their bikes Jamie asked gently, “Did I hurt your feelings, Ryan?”

“No. It’s nothing. I’m just a little sensitive today. I’m in the throes of PMS and sometimes my mouth has a will of its own.” As she rode away she turned to Jamie, “Thanks for asking though,” she said with a sweet smile.

They rode for a long while in companionable silence. The trip to Muir Woods was rather arduous, but well worth the effort. The scenery was breathtaking as bit by bit the morning fog lifted and more of the scenery was revealed. Finally they reached their destination. Both women had doffed their jackets due to the exertion. Jamie had hers tied around her waist, but Ryan’s was stowed in the pack that was securely attached to her bike. The packs also held a delicious picnic lunch they had purchased at a deli in Sausalito. Ryan had the honor of carrying all the food and drink since she was both the stronger rider and the bigger eater.

As they rode around Muir Woods, Jamie had to put her jacket back on. The path they were traveling was densely populated by some of the oldest and tallest coast redwoods in the state. The tall trees obscured the weak sun and made the path rather dark. It was still and quiet in the forest, the only sounds those made by the two women.

As they drew near Redwood Creek they got off their bikes and stood on the bank of the quick running stream. The sun was stronger now as it neared noon. It poked through the tall canopy of trees and cast deep shadows on the glistening creek. They decided to eat lunch so Ryan went to her packs and removed their purchases. She had brought a neatly folded reflective space blanket which she spread on the ground and the shiny metallic surface gathered what sun there was to warm them.

They sat and ate, mostly in silence, content to listen to the stream and the birds and the wildlife that surrounded them. After the remains of their meal were cleaned up and placed back in the pack Jamie looked up at Ryan with a little smile and said, “Guess what I want?”

“Hmm, let’s see,” she reflected as she tiled her head up. “What would a little pleasure hound want after a long ride and a big lunch? I would guess that you want either a leg massage or a little nap.” She glanced over at her companion as she asked, “How did I do?”

“Pretty good,” she admitted. “I choose the second option.”

Ryan just shook her head and grinned at her friend as she scooted over to the nearest tree and patted her thigh, “Come on, Sleeping Beauty, it’s time for your nap.”

Jamie happily complied by crawling over to Ryan and lying down parallel to her stretched out legs. She lay her head on the Lycra covered thighs and moved around until she was comfortable. Ryan’s hand dropped to rest on her golden hair and she began to run her fingers through the soft locks. “I don’t think it’s possible to feel more content than I do right now,” she murmured as she heard Ryan begin to hum a slow soft tune.

***

She awoke after a short but very restful nap. She heard Ryan’s rhythmic breathing and turned her head just enough to see her friend’s head resting against the redwood bark, sound asleep. Ohh, she looks so pretty, I want to scoot up there and kiss that beautiful mouth awake, she thought longingly. In lieu of that she just let the peaceful feeling wash over her as she lay there on Ryan’s lap. She let herself drift off again and eventually woke as a blade of grass was drawn over her eyelids and lips. “Hey, no fair tickling me awake,” she complained.

“How would you prefer to be woken up, Princess?” Ryan replied with a twinkle in her eyes.

I can think of a hundred different ways but they all involve your mouth and some level of nudity, she thought. “I’ll consider that and get back to you,” she said with a grin as she sat up and stretched. “Oooh, my thighs did not appreciate that last hill.” She turned to Ryan and smiled coquettishly, “Is it too late to order option one?”

“I hope you brought me here for more than my thighs and my hands,” she playfully groused as she began to massage the stiff legs.

Well, those are two of the biggest reasons, but it’s too early to talk about that, she thought privately.

***

When the massage was complete they hopped back on the bikes and began the ride to Mount Tamalpais. Jamie had been here numerous times, but she had never experienced it in quite the way she did today. The feeling of slowly climbing the 2200 ft. hill was completely exhilarating. It really allowed her to test her aerobic capacity as well as the strength in her legs and her overall fitness. To her surprise she was quite pleased with the results. While the ride was clearly not easy she managed it with very little serious trouble.

The climb was made even more pleasant by the profusion of wildflowers that sprouted from every meadow and glen. This was a particularly spectacular year for the wildflower crop and she offered up a silent prayer of thanks that they had come to this place on this beautiful day.

They stopped frequently on the ride. At one point they spotted a family of deer in the distance and they stopped for a long while to watch them graze peacefully, seemingly unconcerned by the presence of humans. It was nearly 4 o’clock by the time they reached the peak. Daylight savings time would begin that night, but today the sun was scheduled to set at around 6 p.m. “I’m a little concerned that we’re going to have trouble making it back while it’s still light out,” Ryan said as they paused to drink a bottle of water. “Are you up to starting back right away?”

“That was not really what I had in mind,” Jamie replied. “I really wanted to stay up here for a while—maybe watch the sun set.” She thought about the problem for a minute and then extracted her cell phone from her seat pack. “Let me see if I can resolve our little problem,” she said mysteriously.

Moments later Jamie had booked the last remaining room at the Pelican Inn. This adorable little inn was near where Redwood Creek emptied into Muir Beach and it would take no more than 1/2 hour to ride there. Ryan was a little reticent to allow Jamie to pay for the room, but she was finally convinced when Jamie insisted that she was staying over whether Ryan did or not. Of course she did not mention that only the largest, most expensive room was still available and she had no plans to reveal that information later either.

They stood on the peak, alone in the waning sunlight. There were several large boulders and they climbed onto the biggest one to talk and watch the sunset. The view from the peak was stupendous with the huge panorama spread out in front of them. They could see for miles in all directions on this terribly clear afternoon. The fog was still off in the distance and the sun beat down, warming them on their rock.

Ryan was half reclining on the large stone, her torso supported by her forearms. Jamie gathered up her courage and did her best to calm her racing heart. She crawled around until she was sitting right next to her, facing her directly. “You’re missing the beautiful view, Jamie,” Ryan chided her.

“No, I’m not,” she replied soberly. “I’m looking at the most beautiful view I ever hope to see,” she said softly as her eyes locked onto Ryan’s.

That clearly got her attention. Ryan sat up carefully, keeping her eyes on Jamie’s. Her expression was open and very interested. She cocked her head just a tiny bit in question as she continued to stare into sea green eyes.

Jamie reached out and took each of Ryan’s hands in hers. They sat directly in front of one another, crossed legs just touching at the knees. “Ryan, I’ve given a lot of thought to how I feel about you,” she said in a very quiet voice. “And I know that I hurt you when I tried to go back to Jack. But I did that out of pure fear, Ryan. I never wavered in my desire for you. I was just too afraid to express it. But in a strange way that incident finally knocked some sense into me and made me face my true self. I know that you are the person that I love,” she dropped one soft hand and reached out to touch an even softer pink cheek that began to tremble slightly under her fingertips.

She leaned in closer as her eyes bore into Ryan’s with a fierce intensity. “I’m absolutely certain about this and I want to move forward and build a life with you. But our friendship means more to me than anything, and if that’s all you can offer, I can live with that.”

Ryan squeezed her hands tightly and whispered, “You have no idea how I’ve prayed for this. I know I told you that I’d be fine if you decided that you were straight, but I was lying—to myself and to you. I’ve thought of nothing else since you told me that you were attracted to me and when you went back to Jack I didn’t know how I would survive. And the worst part was that I had to support your choice even though it was ripping my heart out.” She let herself shed the tears that she had been forced to conceal from her friend, relishing the soft embrace that Jamie now offered.

She sniffed as she continued, “Every night when I say my prayers I ask for the chance to love you like you deserve to be loved.” A shiver ran down her body as she took in a deep breath, closed her eyes tightly and pledged, “I offer much more than my friendship, Jamie. I offer you everything that I am and everything that I can become. I want to give myself to you, totally, completely, and eternally.”

Jamie gazed at her with every tender emotion she felt clearly displayed in her eyes. “I love you completely, Ryan, and I want to be with you.” She leaned close and said even more quietly, “Emotionally, spiritually…” Here she leaned over until she was right next to Ryan’s ear as she whispered “and physically.”

Ryan’s heart was pounding so loudly that she was certain Jamie could hear it. She removed the graceful hand that covered her cheek and she slowly turned it until it was right before her lips. She closed her eyes and kissed the palm reverently. She placed kiss after kiss on the small hand as she slowly nodded her head in acceptance of the offer placed before her. Her eyes remained closed the whole while and Jamie could see the first small tear slide down that beautiful face as she rose to her knees and felt Ryan do the same.

She lifted her hands to rest on the smooth planes of Ryan’s face. She used her thumbs to tenderly trace over the dark brows, across the prominent cheekbones, down the strong line of her jaw, finally finding the soft, warm lips. One lucky thumb continued the task, softly moving over her moist lips, as they slowly opened to envelope the thumb in their warm wetness.

A jolt of sensation shot up and down Jamie’s spine with a force so great that she felt dizzy. But Ryan stayed right where she was, waiting for Jamie to proceed as she felt comfortable. It took her a few seconds to gather herself but she finally was able to move forward. She took in as deep a breath as she could manage and cradled Ryan’s face in both of her hands. Tilting her head just an inch she leaned forward and captured those incredibly soft lips without hesitation.

A tiny moan escaped from Ryan as Jamie’s mouth sealed hers with the promise of her love.

Their arms slid around one another’s waists as their lips came together again. The kisses were slow and soft and gentle but unceasing. There was a great depth of emotion behind each tender kiss, but they did not vary in their intensity. These were not the passionate kisses of lovers about to consummate their union; rather, this was the first stirring of promises to come. Knowing there would be plenty of time to explore in depth, they reveled in the first tender meeting of warm mouths.

Jamie placed her hands on either side of Ryan’s face and delicately kissed each closed eyelid, chasing each tear away. “I love you, Ryan. I love you so much,” she said as she kissed the tender lips again and again.

Ryan’s eyes fluttered open and she gazed at Jamie with a depth of emotion that she had never before felt, “I love you too, Jamie. I do, I swear I do,” she whispered fiercely as she drew her into a forceful hug.

They remained just as they were for a seemingly endless time. They alternated soft kisses with warm tender embraces, occasionally shedding a tear or two at the overpowering feeling generated by their bond. As the sun began to slip into the sea the boulder provided warmth to their entwined bodies. But as the chill in the air began to overtake even this heat they reluctantly parted. “I don’t ever want to lose this feeling,” Jamie whispered as they gripped each other tightly once last time.

“We can’t lose this feeling,” Ryan said firmly. “This feeling is just the cornerstone of a lifetime of wonderful moments. It will always be with us, reminding us of how we began. But I promise you, Jamie,” she said fiercely as she locked onto her sea green eyes, “this is just the first step of a journey that will take our entire lives to complete. We’ve just barely begun.”

“I’ll follow you anywhere, Ryan,” she pledged as she lifted her head for several more loving kisses.

But Ryan pulled her head away and gazed at her with a look of pure devotion. “No, Jamie, I don’t lead you. We go together,” she promised. “Always together.”

THE END