Hesed

by Mayt

Mayt@aol.com

*****

Disclaimer: This is a contemporary story. No disclaimer required.

References: I use a few theological terms that may not be familiar to a reader. They are indicated with an (*) and definitions are provided at the end of the story. I have also provided a floor plan illustrating terms used to describe the interior of a church. This can be seen in the on-line version of Hesed available at The Bard’s Corner: http://www.ausxip.com

Comments: This is my first uber story - a change of pace. Comments always encouraged and appreciated.

Subtext: This story portrays a loving relationship between two women. If you are under 18 or if it is illegal for you to read this text please do not continue.

*****

Hesed

by Mayt

**

And among His [God’s] Signs is this, that He [God] created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He [God] has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.

-Qur’an, Ar-Rum, Surah 30:21

**

~~~

An Act of taking

~~~

The young priest walked down the street passing the thrift shop, the counter restaurant, and the scattered taverns. Two blocks to her left stood the homeless shelter, another block further the food pantry, all the familiar storefront landmarks of a neighborhood of aged tall buildings that carved a canyon of poverty and despair onto the tar laden streets and cracked cement sidewalks. She had left the neighborhood community center dishearten. With the economic down turn city hall went into a fiscal retrenching mode. The elder day care program was at risk. For partners and other caretakers the thought of losing the program was more shattering than the reality felt by the elders being cared for, many who were not cognizant of their immediate surroundings. The program allowed caretakers to go to work assured of the well being of the one they loved. For others it provided a respite from the daily stress of serving an adult with the capacities of a child. The call was to organize early and lobby for continuation of program funding. She did not know how to answer the question of why God made us so fragile, why the society God’s creation fashioned was so unjust. The priest knew that within the weeks to come there would be similar meetings called to order by other groups seeking continuation of program funding for homeless shelters and food pantries, for after school programs and health clinics. The paradox she observed was that as unemployment grew and with it the need for these very services, society was less willing to give.

She felt the chill of the wet autumn night seep into her bone and muscle. Underneath her raincoat she was dressed in the standard Episcopalian priestly garb of black slacks and a black blouse with a white collar. She wished she had worn a sweater to stay the cold.

The assailant’s arm took the priest at the neck and pushed her back into the alley. Her body was pressed against the assailant’s. For the first few heartbeats she had done nothing to resist. Her mind had drifted away from the streets and the dangers they threaten in both the daylight and the night. Returning her focus to the moment she knew she had to act quickly. With her right leg she kicked back against the other’s shin. She heard the slip of metal. A knife was now placed at her throat.

“Do that again and I’ll cut you.”

The priest was surprised by the voice. It was low and throaty and a woman possessed it. It may have been illogical but she felt less at risk. Rape was not a motivation. She relaxed. If she was being robbed the sum of money she carried was little, and her identification and one lone credit card could be replaced.

Her cessation of resistance was noted by the voice. “That’s better.”

With a quick motion the priest was thrust against the brick wall of the local dry cleaners. She raised her hands to cushion the impact. The rough-hewn surface scraped her palms, breaking the skin. She bled.

The voice directed, “Turn around and keep your hands where I can see them.”

The priest moved slowly. She would rather not see her assailant. She knew that being able to identify who would do her harm only put her at greater risk of harm. The priest purposely kept her eyes down. Only her own shoes entered her line of sight

Nothing happened. Nothing was said, no direction given. The priest wondered if she was being played with. Why must her fear be the object of an other’s folly? She knew that in incidents such as these perceptions are altered. Time passed slowly, unbearably so. She would wait no longer no matter the consequences. The priest raised her head. As she did her eyes traveled across the black boots, black jeans, black T-shirt, black leather jacket and long black hair of the woman standing before her. Her gaze continued up until it took in the beauty of the woman’s olive skin and dark features. The woman’s eyes bridged the chasm of light and dark. Her eyes were a crystal sea blue. The priest found it difficult to believe that the owner of those eyes would have placed a switchblade to her throat and yet, she had.

The woman stared at the young priest. “I know you.” The woman’s voice betrayed her crumbling air of intimidation.

The priest braced herself as the woman reached out with her knife holding hand. Her hand trembled. With it so too did the blade a few inches from the priest’s cheek. The image of the priest swept across the woman’s already confused consciousness. The priest wasn’t very tall but she had a presence to her. Her short blond hair fell in wisps across her forehead and over her ears. Her eyes were emerald green, clear and intelligent. Brave given that they dare match the woman’s own. The woman wasn’t sure why she had taken the priest at knifepoint, why she stood in the alleyway with her. She had to have had a reason. She looked about her in an effort to lessen her disorientation. She shook her head trying to throw off the throbbing pain in her temples. The woman pointed to the cross hanging around the priest’s neck.

“That gold?”

The priest did not answer her.

The woman grabbed the cross and ripped it off the priest.

Reaching for her wallet the priest begged. “Please don’t. Take my money, not the cross.”

The woman observed the passions of the priest rise. She liked what she saw, a vivid unbridled spark of life. Whatever it was that the woman sought she now had a bit of it in her hand and she wasn’t going to give it up. She answered the priest with satisfaction. “I don’t need your money.”

“Hey Rev! You all right?”

The priest and her assailant both turned their attention to the source of the question. Three young men were crossing the street towards the alley. The woman looked back at the priest. She felt a haunting incompleteness she could not explain. She was not done with the priest. Whatever still needed to be would have to wait. The woman looked back down the alley cut short by a wooden fence. It would be her means of escape. She ran towards the fence and hoisted herself on top of an industrial trash bin that stood adjacent to it. She took one final look back to the priest before scaling over the wood.

Deep within the priest she felt that there was something familiar about the woman. She recalled the woman’s words, “I know you.” And the priest wondered if it was true.

~~~

The morning after

~~~

The mid-morning sun shone a wedge of light through the industrial skylight. The woman lay on her bed legs and arms tucked close in a fetal position. She felt the warmth of the sunlight upon her cheek. It was not welcomed. She felt feverish and if she could have moved without pain she would have claimed the cool October air by raising herself up and out onto the fire escape. She drifted back to sleep.

By noon her headache had subsided leaving only a mild irritating trace to remind her of how helpless she was, of how she was slave to her body’s betrayals. She opened her eyes slowly allowing them to adjust to the bright light. Her arms were held against her breast. She was a child seeking safety from the haunting demons. A tear cut across her cheek. She knew there was no escaping her demons. They resided within her.

She felt in one hand a foreign weight. She stared at the hand ignorant of its content. Slowly with a sense of foreboding she opened her hand. Her eyes studied the gold cross and chain. They were not hers. She did not know them. She did not remember how she had gotten possession of them. She raised herself up to a sitting position and studied the cross and chain further. The chain’s clasp was broken. The cross was very simple in line and form. It was not modern. It had the look of an antique.

The woman closed her eyes seeking a memory. What was her last memory? When had she blacked out? The threads of the previous day came to her one by one. She wove the threads together in an attempt to finish a tapestry that would tell her all she needed to know. She remembered she had helped work the Elysian Fields pub bar. Feeling a rising press against her temples she left before bar time. She remembered nothing more. It was hard for her to ignore the growing pattern.

She got up and moved across the open loft space to the tall floor to ceiling windows that composed the building’s façade. The city had been awake for hours. The neighborhood went about its business an organism of dependencies. The delivery truck in front of the mercado was being unloaded as both young and old entered the market to buy the essential foodstuffs to feed themselves and their families. On the corner the newsstand vendor kept a watchful eye preventing his inventory from mysteriously slipping under a patron’s jacket. Jacob, the local attorney, a man who proudly upheld the stereotypical image of the elder Jew who lived a conviction of social justice and care for his fellows stood outside of his office smoking his pipe. Stepping out along side of him offering Jacob a cup of coffee was Liza, his wife and office manager who had long ago ruled that she would not be a victim of his second hand smoke. Jacob accepted the coffee gracing Liza with a kiss upon her cheek. The woman knew that with time Jacob grew to relish having a reason to leave the confines of his sparse office suite to join the rhythm of life outside. And with time Jacob grew to appreciate that is was Liza’s wisdom that gave him reason to do so.

There were more Jacobs and Lizas. Instead of Jew, they were Moslem, Buddhist, Hindu and an assortment of Christian denominations including Catholic, Episcopalian, Baptist, Eastern Orthodox, Lutheran and Methodist. Instead of Polish, they were old neighborhood Italians, Irish and Greeks blending with new neighborhood African Americans, Asians, Eastern and Western Europeans, and Middle Easterns. The mix of occupations ranged the gamut - local merchants, factory laborers, municipal workers, low end service providers and the few professionals like the woman who refused to permanently leave, having been born in the neighborhood, having left to be educated but returning, pulled back by a force closer to a mystic’s temperament than that of a modern urbanite.

The neighborhood as a whole tried hard to survive against the pressures of the ever changing and ever complicated world. The neighborhood tried to protect and care for those that entered its borders. Many near life’s limit physically and emotionally. The neighborhood’s primary concern was always the children and the elders, those most vulnerable. The neighborhood was a fragile, assailable haven constrained in its capacity to offer safekeeping though what it could offer was more than many had known prior to coming under its concern. The neighborhood could not escape the soot and grim of the larger city. Still, it survived and on occasion a niche within it would thrive. The woman knew she owned in the Elysian Fields one of those rare niches.

She turned back into her loft. The expansive setting was created by the combination of limited dividers, high ceilings, and skylights bracketed by Cream City brick walls. The space was complemented with furnishings of simple line and form not unlike the cross she held in her hand. She stood aside her office of teak desk, credenza and computer table with tall back-less bookshelves lining the loft wall. Before her was her one extravagance, a chef’s kitchen with wood block island. At one side of the island three tall stools invited visitors to rest casually. To her right the bedroom, a simple black steel bed, with adjacent teal night tables, a tall chest of drawers, and a freestanding mirror. A series of oriental screens provided the privacy she needed. She had placed to the right of the loft entrance the living room furniture of two beige uphostered love seats resting at a right angle, with a black framed, glass top coffee table. Her most valued books were carefully catalogued upon shelves suspended upon the wall. An open-back freestanding entertainment center held an elaborate array of audio and video equipment. And finally to the right was the dining area comprised of a simple wood table with six black leather chairs. The dining, living and bedroom areas were further delineated by the few area rugs she was willing to use to provide warmth. Her preference was to maximize the exposure of the well-polished oak floors.

Throughout the loft she hung limited edition black and white photographs, original charcoal and pencil drawings and limited edition prints of the female form. She accented her space with a few selected tabletop sculptures and hand made works of pottery.

This was her home. It was a sanctuary she consented to share with only a handful of friends. All but a few in the streets below were aware of its existence. The day was half-gone and she had work to do. She was relieved that the work could be done without leaving this space. But she also knew that she would soon have to leave its protection and she wondered, once again gazing at the cross and chain, who was in more danger, she or those she encountered.

~~~

The street

~~~

The bars were closing. The street was scattered with the last nighthawks reeking of beer and cigarette smoke. The two women walked down the street, the shorter strutting visibly, claiming possession of the taller. Approaching them was the young priest. The priest paused at the sight of the two. Her gaze held them, a growing offense took hold of her. The shorter woman noticed she was the subject of the priest’s scrutiny and she did not like it.

As they passed underneath a street light the shorter woman challenged the passing cleric. “What you looking at Father?”

The priest directed her response to the tall woman. It held a dare. “Hello.”

Feeling slighted, the short woman expressed her growing irritation with a mocking bow. She offered an introduction. “Nicki, have you met the good Reverend Elizabeth Kelly. Beth is the new priest at St. Ann’s.”

Nicole felt mastered by the young priest’s gaze. She remained silent. Something felt terribly wrong but she did not know what.

The short woman was stunned by Nicole’s passiveness. “Hey butch, look this way.” Numb, Nicole did as she was asked. The short woman seized her into a sloppy, exaggerated kiss. Repulsed, Beth took a step away and began moving ahead towards her destination. Nicole pulled herself apart from her companion and watched the priest take her leave.

The short woman could not help but notice. “Hey Nicki. If getting close to God turns you on we’ll have to hang around the church.”

“Shut-up, Page!”

Page knew to tread gently with the volatile Greek. “What’s with you?”

“Nothing. Let’s go.”

Page could not help but voice her admiration. “Gotta admit the priest has got balls to still be walking the streets this late at night.”

Nicole had no point of reference. “What do you mean?”

“Hell girl where have you been? Neighborhood line is she got mugged a couple of weeks ago. Bastard stole her grandmother’s cross.”

“Cross?”

“Yeah. Mugging a priest is low.”

Nicole felt a consuming dread. “It was a man?”

“Guess so. She didn’t call the cops. Must be that forgiveness of sins bullshit.”

Nicole chastised. “Do you mind?”

Page was sincere. “You know Nicki, I’m never gonna figure you out.”

Nicole took a good hard look at Page. She was right. Page had no chance of ever understanding her. Page was a good time, nothing more. She could never be more.

~~~

Colleagues

~~~

Beth stepped into Father David’s office. “Good night David.”

David looked up from his draft of Sunday’s homily. “Beth, come in please.”

Beth accepted the invitation.

David removed his wired rim glasses. “Take a seat.”

Beth did as suggested. She spoke with a disarming smile. “You’re making me nervous.”

David returned the smile. He liked the new young priest. “Don’t be. I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing.”

“I’m fine David.”

“How is Mrs. Wesley?”

“The nurse thinks she will die soon. I’ve had a couple late nights reading to her. She gets frightened and it calms her.”

“How late?”

“Late. David don’t worry. I’ve had my quotient of muggings for the year.”

David leaned back in his chair. “I would like you to stay in one piece.”

“May God will it.”

“Oh please! God gave you intelligence to know not to tempt danger.”

“David, I was kidding. I am careful.”

“All right. You are careful. How about pacing yourself. I know you are half my age and have more than twice the energy but burn out is real and I don’t need to hear from the Bishop that I drove you into an early grave.”

“Aren’t you being a little dramatic?”

“How much sleep did you get last night?”

“Enough for a woman half your age.”

“If it wasn’t at least seven or eight hours, it wasn’t enough. If you won’t take care of yourself for your own sake than do it for the people you are here to help. Hell, do it for me. I don’t need any more stress.”

Beth looked at her hands in discomfort. She liked David and wanted desperately to be an asset to him. “I’ll do better.”

“Thank you. Now what are your plans for the evening?”

Beth looked back up to the caring man. “I’m staying in. There’s a book I’ve been meaning to get to.”

David quipped gently. “Another of the German theologians?”

Beth stood up. “No. A well respected American feminist theologian.”

“So, when can I look forward to the next installment of our robust argument?”

“How about lunch next week sometime.”

“Can’t wait. Goodnight Beth.”

“Goodnight David.”

Beth walked down the hall and then up the stairs to the third floor landing. Her apartment entrance was the first door to her right. Living in the church complex had its advantages. The briefest commutes was one of them.

She moved into the studio in mid-August. That first day she could not help but observed David’s surprise when he realized the extent of her minimal belongings. They consisted literally of the clothes on the back in her backpack, her laptop computer, a small leather duffel bag filled with incidentals that hung from her shoulder and a half-dozen boxes of books shipped UPS that had arrived the week before.

~~~

Returning what was taken

~~~

She had been standing in the shadows for hours determined not to leave until she fulfilled her resolve. She did not know the routine of the church. She could only hope that the young priest at some time of the day would enter the sanctuary without escort.

It was now the moment Nicole had waited for. The young priest entered the basilica through the transept, her task for the moment to set the altar for mass. Nicole moved quickly giving her fear no chance to turn her back to the safety of her anonymity. Undetected she stood center before the altar. Beth felt a presence. She turned to see who had joined her. The disheveled, tall, dark hair woman startled her. Beth felt a surge of fear as well as anger. The anger fueled by the stranger’s audacity. To assault her on the streets was one thing. To do so in the church another. She spoke with a stern and measured voice. “What do you want?”

Nicole took the first step up to the altar. Defiant, Beth held her place on the third. Nicole wore a black trench coat, her hands hidden in its pockets. She reached out her right hand and opened her palm to Beth. “Is this yours?”

Beth looked down recognizing the gold cross and chain. She raised her unyielding gaze back to the stranger. “You know it is.”

Nicole was penitent. “Did I hurt you?”

The priest was confused by what she saw in the other woman’s eyes. She spoke less harshly, “The bruises will heal.”

Struggling to manage her wavering voice Nicole tried to explain. “I know you have no reason to believe me but I don’t remember. My friend told me what happened to you. All I know is that I woke up with your cross in my hand.”

Beth reached and took possession of the chain and cross. She closed them protectively into her fist. She had given up hope of ever seeing them again. Her relief and gratitude was not conveyed.

Nicole’s words were heartfelt. “I’m sorry.”

Beth returned her gaze to her contrite assailant. She was not inclined to forgive. All she offered was silence.

The priest’s disdain cut deeply into Nicole. She had hoped for some hint of absolution from the cleric. Weren’t the religious in the business of forgiveness? Obviously they were human and subject to all human emotions. Nicole turned around and walked slowly down the nave towards the church’s main entrance. Upon reaching the center doors she looked back. Beth stood firm, as cold and hard as a marble statute. With a sigh she exited feeling no better, and in some ways worst than when she entered, for where there had been hope there was now only a void. Beth opened her hand and studied the cross and chain. The clasp had been repaired. There was no hint of the damage done.

~~~

Out from the rain

~~~

Miguel stood at The Pub’s entrance watching the mid-afternoon storm rage.

Nicole walked over and stood beside him. “This is one way to clean the streets.”

Miguel shook his head. “You know I love you but there are times that you miss the magic.”

“What’s wrong with a little practicality?”

“That isn’t what this neighborhood needs.”

“Oh, tell me old wise one, what does this neighborhood need?”

“Girl, I am not that old.”

“Just showing respect to my elders.”

“Bitch.”

“Back to you.”

Miguel spoke thoughtfully. “Hope. That’s what this neighborhood needs.”

“That’s what everyone needs.” Nicole felt her left hand begin to tremble. The tremor started to travel up her arm. She took hold of the trembling appendage with her other arm and hugged it close to her body.

“I won’t argue with you.” Miguel returned his attention back to the city street. “Hey, isn’t that the new priest?”

Nicole looked up. Her discomfort pressed against her. “Yeah.”

“You would think the church could afford an umbrella. She’s getting soaked.”

“It’s just another block.”

Miguel chose not to restrain his sarcasm. “God, you are just into caring for your fellow man, aren’t you?”

“She’s no man.”

“No, she’s too damn cute.” Miguel took a couple steps out into the sidewalk. Standing under the Elysian Fields canopy he called out. “Reverend! Come in out of the rain!”

Another wave of the rain swept across her. Beth hesitated. She had no reason not to accept the invitation. Subject to the unceasing torrent she welcomed any shelter.

Nicole backed into the pub taking her place behind the bar.

Miguel motioned Beth inside. “Reverend, you picked a hell of a day to take a walk.”

Beth stepped inside. She was stunned by what she saw. The pub was exquisite. The blend of well polished deep hardwoods, brass light fixtures and accents, and simple green half curtains that provided privacy between the booths transported her back to Ireland. A country she had toured before entering seminary. Her gaze traveled to the bar. All fell away from her sight except for the woman standing behind it washing glasses.

Miguel enjoyed watching the Reverend take in this unheralded haven. “Do you like it?”

Beth whispered. “Yes.”

“This is only part of the Elysian Fields.”

Beth turned her attention to the Latino man. “I never thought the Elysian Fields would be a pub.”

“Nicki and her Greeks.” Miguel expected Nicole to step forward and offer the priest a little of her classic hospitality. He was disappointed by her reticence. “There is a dance bar downstairs and a gourmet restaurant upstairs.” He had said the latter to get a response from Nicole but once again was disappointed by her resolve to clean every glass behind the bar. He winked at Beth, “But don’t trust me. The Garden is my baby.”

“Yours?”

“I’m the chef and manager. Nicki keeps me around so she can have food service at all hours of the night. Isn’t that right, Nicki?”

Nicole had no patience for Miguel’s banter. A wineglass slipped from her hand and fell to the floor breaking at her feet. “Damn it!”

“I should go.” Beth began to move towards the door.

Miguel extended his hand. “Wait Reverend.”

Beth paused.

Miguel retrieved one of a half-dozen umbrellas stored in an antique oak coat tree. “Here, take this.”

“Thank you but it’s not necessary.”

“Reverend, what’s the point of getting wet? You can return the umbrella when you’re done with it.” Miguel offered a broad grin. “I know where to find you, you know.”

Beth held the man with her gaze. His dark brown eyes were warm and gentle. She reached out and accepted the umbrella. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcomed.”

Beth went to the door. She paused and turned back to her guardian angel. “I don’t know your name.”

“Miguel.”

Beth offered him her hand. “I’m Beth.”

Miguel took her hand gratefully. “It’s good to meet you Beth.”

“God bless.”

The young priest’s blessing took Miguel by surprised. As a gay man raised in the Roman Catholic Church he wasn’t accustomed to even the simplest act of kindness from the clergy. He turned back to Nicole. “You okay back there.”

Nicole was down on one knee picking up the broken glass. She looked at her left hand. She had cut herself. “I’m fine. Don’t you have something to cook?” She listened for a response. Instead she heard Miguel’s footsteps cross the pub and go to the stairs which led to The Garden. She hated herself. She hated her life.

~~~

Upstanding business woman

~~~

Two weeks had passed since Beth took her first step into the Elysian Fields. Nicole had promised David that she would attend the community business association meeting at St. Ann’s. Her resolve to continue her life disregarding recent indiscretions was becoming harder and harder to keep. The young priest was an incontestable reminder of her progressive deterioration. She knew no greater torment than being forced to face that verity. To a lesser extent Nicole wondered if Beth had told anyone the truth of who had assaulted her. There had been more than one night that Nicole had awoken from the nightmare of being publicly exposed by the priest. Each time she would awaken drenched in her own perspiration. The fear that she was losing everything that was precious to her had begun to consumed her life, stealing what peace she had been able to gift herself in the passing years since her mother’s death.

The church meeting room had tables placed end to end in the shape of a rectangle. Folding chairs were placed around the perimeter. David was speaking with Giovanni Sella, the owner of a small grocery store and deli when he caught glimpse of Nicole. He smiled his usual warm welcome to the enigmatic businesswoman. Nicole approached him having no apparent distraction to lead her elsewhere.

“David.”

“Nicki, I haven’t seen or heard much of you lately. Keeping a low profile.”

“Just taking my reputation underground.”

David felt a thread of concern. “Anything I can do?”

David’s intuitive powers never ceased to amaze Nicole.

She steeled herself. She could not afford to expose her vulnerability. The truth frightened her so and she couldn’t bear seeing it reflected back to her.

David observed Nicole’s retreat and chose to redirect the conversation. “How’s business.”

“Good. The Garden is exceeding my projections.”

“I’m not surprised. Eating a little closer to heaven is attractive.” David broadened his smile.

“Why do you have to bring heaven into it. The stars and the moon are more than enough.”

“True, they’re God’s creation.”

“So are drugs, alcohol, and sexually transmitted diseases.”

Nicole had succeeded in wiping away David’s smile. His eyes narrowed as if in pain from an all too brilliant light. “I can’t argue with you Nicki.”

Nicole placed her hand on David’s shoulder. “I’m sorry David but you have to be willing to take as much as you give.”

“You’re right of course. But I can take it Nicki.”

Nicole’s remorse was replaced by pity. David felt the pain of the world to the depths of his core. She didn’t know how he could live with such an intimate experience of sorrow.

Beth had entered the room a few moments before. She noticed the dark hair woman speaking to David. Upon recognition she reflexively took a step back. The genuine warmth she observed between the two confused her.

David caught Beth’s eye. “Excuse me Nicki.” He called out Beth’s name and waved her over. “Nicki, you haven’t met our new Associate Priest.”

Nicole turned. An all too familiar dread took hold of her. She was certain her nightmare was finally going to take flesh and blood form. Her only solace was that the price she would be made to pay would now make itself known. There was a great irony in that realization that she would gain relief in her final ruin. There could be no rehabilitation of her reputation after Beth exposed her.

David made the introductions. “Beth, I want you to meet Nicole Thera. Nicole owns the Elysian Fields, a club with a delightful restaurant.”

Beth met Nicole’s eyes. She extended her hand. “I believe we’ve met.”

Nicole struggled not to divert her gaze. “Yes, we have.”

David was surprised. “Have you! Where?”

Beth responded. “Church.”

David was now truly confused. “Church?”

Beth continued. “Nicole was the one who returned my cross.”

David put his hand on Nicole’s shoulder. “Beth told me a stranger returned it. Where on earth did you find it?”

Nicole felt an incredible hypocrite. “David, you obviously don’t know the whole story.”

Beth interrupted. “Maybe we can continue this conversation later. It’s time to start the meeting.”

David looked at his watch. “You’re right. I’d like to get home at a decent hour for once. I’ll start rounding people up.”

Beth turned to Nicole. “I haven’t told anyone the whole story and I don’t intend to.”

“But why?”

“Because I believed you when you said you didn’t remember. I’m not sure others will.”

David’s voice calling the meeting to order cut a swath between the two. Beth moved towards her seat next to David. Nicole sat at the far end of the room more uncertain than ever.

The meeting concluded at 9:30 p.m. Nicole did not linger, as was her usual custom. Beth followed Nicole to the door and call out her name. Nicole turned and waited for the young priest to reach her.

“Don’t you think you should wait…Wouldn’t it be safer if you walked with someone else?”

“It’s not far.” Nicole looked out into the night. “I know how to protect myself.”

Beth suggested. “Your knife?”

Nicole did not mask her surprise. “How did you know…”

Beth’s voice imparted a genuine awareness. “You really don’t remember do you?”

Nicole wanted to know. “What did I do to you?”

Beth was matter of fact. “Where’s your knife?”

Nicole took her switchblade out of the inside pocket of her jacket and held it in the palm of her hand. Beth took it. “How do I open it?”

Nicole retrieved the knife. She turned it to its side and placed her thumb over the switch. “Press here.” The blade snapped out. The sound was familiar to Beth. Nicole pressed the switch a second time. The blade returned to its housing. Nicole offered the knife to Beth.

Beth felt the weight of the weapon. She pressed the switch. Once again the blade emerged. Beth studied the knife. It was the right shape and size. Yes, it was the knife that had grazed her skin. She looked up and studied its owner with equal interest. “You grabbed me from behind and put this knife to my throat. Then you turned me around. You seemed confused. You said you knew me. You took an interest in the cross. I asked you not to take it. I offered you my wallet. You said you didn’t need my money and ripped the cross from my neck. When a few kids came our way you ran down the alley and jumped over the fence.”

Nicole took a step back and leaned against the wall. She desperately needed the support.

“Has this happened to you before?”

She hadn’t been drinking. She had checked with Connor and confirmed that one fact. Beth offered Nicole a few more pieces of that night’s puzzle of empty spaces. The blackouts didn’t happen often but when they did what she did left her disgusted with herself. She usually found herself in a stranger’s bed or more rarely a stranger in her own bed. She had woken up in the park sharing space with the local homeless. She had more than once found herself in her own bed bloodied with no trace of how the cuts and bruises were inflicted. The common denominators were sex and violence. She had never been much of a drinker. Raised in a bar gave her daily lessons on the high price paid, the selling of souls to alcoholism. Less so the simply stupid actions done under the influence. Beth’s concern was transparent. Nicole hardened her heart. “I was drunk.”

Beth remembered there was no scent of alcohol on Nicole’s breath. She saw in Nicole confusion of a different sort. Beth knew Nicole was lying. She just didn’t know why. She also felt Nicole retreat from her though she hadn’t moved from her precarious stance. “Then maybe you should consider not drinking.”

“I’ll take it under advisement.” Nicole turned her head towards the door. Once again she looked out through the glass pane windows. “I better go.” She wondered if the night could get any darker.

Beth tried one more time to reach the familiar stranger. “Nicole, if there is anything I can do.”

Nicole’s misplaced frustrations rose to the surface. “You’ve done enough.”

Beth watched the solitary figure walk down the exterior stairs, across the street and down the block toward the Elysian Fields. The streetlights cut the figure as a shadow. There was the black of night and the artificial light. The opaque expanse embraced Nicole. Beth took no comfort from the image.

~~~

An offer of friendship

~~~

Her day done and her apartment uninviting Beth entered the basilica through the transept seeking a respite. She hoped she would have the sacred space to herself, as selfish as that thought might be. She had yet to grow accustomed to the lack of anonymity at St. Ann’s. Parishioners were free to come to her at any time requiring her to place her own needs for worship and prayer aside. To live beside the church gave her uninterrupted access. In the brief period of her residence, there had already been a number of nights that she left her apartment seeking out the refuge of the church. She could never find the words to explain the impression a church made upon her. St. Ann’s was mortar and stone, rafters of wood, stain glass and murals, it was hard floors and smooth wood pews, it possessed a unique silence in the heart of the city, it was a world on to itself that claimed her. She felt welcomed and protected. When alone in the sanctuary she knew a peace that escaped her both outside its doors and when shared, within. As long as she was a priest and known as a priest by those who entered this sacred space she could not relax completely, she could not allow the release necessary to enter her soul. She never shared this truth. It was one of many truths that remained unspoken. Her silence was a mark of her aloneness, an aloneness that had never been breached.

A figure sat in a front pew at the far end of the right side aisle. Beth felt her disappointment even though she knew what she longed for given the time of day had been unreasonable. She walked before the altar and bowed in reverence to the cross. She turned with the intent of finding a quiet space further in the heart of the nave. It was then that she recognized Nicole. The striking woman carried a countenance reminiscent of their first meeting in the church, one of uncertainty and vulnerability. Nicole’s enigmatic personality, her shift from violent thug, to repentant transient, to practical businesswoman had intrigued the young priest. Upon her lap Nicole rested her hands. The left hand trembled. The image was not one that Beth could ignore. Compelled by a spirit clearly beyond reason Beth chose to go to the woman who had dominated her thoughts during the previous weeks.

Nicole felt a presence sit beside her. She looked up to her left taking in the gentle beauty of Beth. She then returned her gaze down to her lap. With her steady hand she took hold of the trembling other. “DT’s. A guess I could use a drink.”

Beth was not going to judge this woman. She discerned that Nicole would not accept a conventional approach. “Our sacramental wine isn’t very strong.”

Nicole turned to the priest and offered a smile in gratitude. “Don’t touch the stuff. Rumor has it that it’s got a spirit in it.”

Beth shared the smile. “Of a different sort.”

Nicole looked up at the altar. “Do you really believe that stuff? Transubstantiation* or is it consubstantiation*?”

“Not all Christians believe in one or the other. Some consider the Eucharist as symbolic, but others do believe that the host and wine are changed during the ritual?”

“So?”

“So what?” Beth questioned.

“What camp do you fall into? Or are you more the transignification* sort of gal?”

Beth did not expect a theological inquiry from Nicole, let alone one that reflected such an obvious command of knowledge. “I’m more the latter.”

“Earthy. And that’s okay for a priest?”

“Yes.” Beth knew it was time to redirect the focus of their conversation. She gently placed her hand over Nicole’s. “Is there anything I can do for you?”

The sensation of the young woman’s touch entered Nicole’s veins and threatened to breach what little command of her emotions she had left. She spoke unable to conceal her distress. “It’s all right if I just sit here isn’t it?”

“Of course.”

Nicole could not withstand much more of the priest’s caring. She hadn’t asked for the interruption. Her anger rose engulfing whatever tenderness of self she had allowed in the prior moment. She spoke bluntly. “You can go. I won’t steal anything.”

Beth studied Nicole carefully. Her response was a sincere assurance. “I know.”

Nicole bit her lower lip. She didn’t understand nor did she like her own volatility. Her tone was no longer harsh. “Beth, I don’t want you to be my priest or Father Confessor.”

Beth respected the request. She nodded. “All right.” It was time for her to take her leave.

Nicole followed Beth’s movement. She needed to complete her thought. “Beth?”

Beth paused and returned her attention to the woman that remained a stranger to her.

Nicole swallowed. “I could use a friend. If you allow yourself to have friends.”

Beth stepped forward. She spoke reflexively. “Priests have to keep a ministerial distance to their parishioners.”

“I don’t think of you as a priest. I’m not a member of this church. Hell, I don’t believe in your God.”

Beth’s confusion was apparent. “Then why do you come here?”

Nicole was left to confess the truth, or at least part of it. “I was hoping to see you. If you worked in a restaurant I would have come for a cup of coffee and sat at a table I knew you were serving. No difference.”

The young priest longed for friendship. However, she knew that the offer before her promised a danger that could undermine all semblance of order in her life. “I’ll think about it.” Uncomfortable with the prospect of sharing her space and time further, Beth exited toward her apartment.

~~~

Truce

~~~

Nicole sat on one of the two benches outside of the Elysian Fields. In her hand she held background information relating to her latest consulting client. She could think of better ways to spend her day. At the same time she was grateful she had the luxury of working at home. She chose when and where she read the research. Cell phone technology gave her the freedom to take her calls while she remained connected to the neighborhood, her one constancy.

Jacob stepped outside of his office, pipe in hand. He smiled in recognition of her rare public appearance. Not one to let the opportunity slip away he crossed the street.

“Good morning Jacob.”

“I haven’t seen you out for a while.”

Nicole grinned. “Jacob, I’ve been out since I was fourteen.”

“Yes, of course. Well then what are you reading?”

“Business.”

“That’s no good.”

“You’re telling me.”

“May I join you Nicole?”

“Of course, Jacob. You know I could never turn you down.”

“That’s good. You, young lady, are one of the few women I can spend time without hearing from Liza.”

Nicole nodded over towards his office. “Don’t be so sure.” She waved to the matriarch.

Jacob turned to see his wife standing with a cup of coffee in her hand. “God, how I love the woman.” Jacob blew Liza a kiss with a youthful vigor.

Nicole envied the man who had escaped Germany as a youth. Though he lost generations of his family at Auschwitz and Treblinka he did not turn his back on life, he did not seek pity, he lived, he relished life, he loved. She in turn often felt that her life had been suffocated to naught.

Jacob sat beside Nicole. “May I smoke?”

Nicole frowned. “Just stay down wind.”

“Soon, I man will lose all his freedoms to the women in his life.”

“Isn’t it a matter of respect? I respect your right to burn that awful tobacco and whish the taste of it in your mouth and you respect my right not to want to smell or inhale the smoke.”

“You who own a tavern say this to me.”

“You know very well that I don’t spend that much time in the Fields.”

“So, what have you been reading that is of interest?”

“Jacob, I’ve honestly haven’t had much time. Life has been complicated.”

“Too complicated to read. I don’t think so.”

“I read Elie Wiesel’s play.”

“Good. Now we have something to talk about. What did you think of it?”

“It reminded me of Job.”

“Yes, I can see why it would.”

“There is no answer. The one who hates God most ends up defending God.”

“Of course he did.”

“Why of course? Because there could be no meaning without God? I don’t buy it.”

“Nicole, we all need God.”

“God is the only one who is left unaccountable. Saying I’m God and that’s good enough to justify my actions is indefensible.”

“Like Job, you are assuming you can understand.”

“Like Job, I believe I am capable of understanding if someone would just explained it to me.”

“You cannot explain away doubt. Just as you cannot say magical words and give someone faith. If that was possible I would have said the words to you and the rest of the lost souls I’ve met in my life.”

“Is that what I am to you, a lost soul you are determined to save?”

Jacob placed his hand on Nicole’s arm. “You are my friend. You do not need saving. You are smart, compassionate and strong. The time will come when you will do the saving.”

“Have I told you lately how much I like you?”

“No, I cannot say you have.”

“Liza is lucky to have you.”

“Yes she is but I tell you I would die if I lost her. I pray to God every day that I will never know life without my Liza.”

“You sir, know love.”

“I know I am nothing alone. You should consider sharing your life with another…”

Nicole finished his sentence. “Woman. Jacob, after all these years you still stutter at the thought that the one thing we do have in common is that we both love women.”

Jacob removed his pipe from his mouth. “Nicole, have you loved, really loved a woman?”

Nicole could not respond. The truth was far too painful. Her friend knew her well. He was friend enough not to allow her to lie to herself. For that she loved him.

Jacob indicated with the motion of his pipe. “Now there is a woman who will someday steal a noble heart.”

Nicole followed Jacob’s eyes. They took her to the sight of Beth walking down the street towards them.

Jacob greeted the young priest. “Good morning Reverend.”

Beth returned the greeting warmly. “Good morning Jacob. Nicole.”

Nicole’s contentment was swept away. She stammered. “Good morning.”

“Reverend, you should join us. We are having a theological discussion and I would welcome your opinion.”

Beth was intrigued. “Oh?”

“Yes, Nicole did me the favor of reading Elie Wiesel’s The Trial of God. Have you read it?”

“Yes, I have.”

“Nicole was comparing it to Job.”

Beth’s gaze shifted from Jacob to Nicole. The latter diverted her eyes. “I felt the same way when I read it.”

“So we are in agreement.” Jacob concluded.

Nicole found her tongue. “Jacob, the only thing we are in agreement of is that two stories in the Judaic tradition have been written that question God’s veracity. We don’t agree in what those stories mean or if there can be a proof of Yahweh’s existence.”

Nicole was engaged in the discussion. Jacob was pleased. “Nicole, we know you and I do not agree. We have not heard from the Reverend.”

Nicole interjected. “As a Christian, the Reverend’s God is not Yahweh. We all know that the God of the Hebrew Bible is different from that of the Christian New Testament.”

Jacob countered. “Do we know that, Nicole? I think you are presumptuous.”

Nicole looked up to Beth. “What say you, Reverend?”

Beth was captivated by the exchange. She remembered Nicole’s questions when they spoke in the church. Nicole had demonstrated an unusual command of theological terms. Now Nicole argued the distinction between the Judaic Yahweh and the Christian God. She read Wiesel. She obviously had earned Jacob’s respect if not affection. The question that commanded Beth was not theological. It was very much flesh and blood. Beth looked to the two before her and smiled. “If we consider only the Gospels I believe you could argue sufficient similarity.”

“Ah ha!” Jacob felt victory.

Nicole would not leave it alone. “Oh right! You pick and choose only parts of the canon that make you comfortable - a canon I might add that was closed by one Bishop writing a letter to calm the heretical waters of fourth century Christendom. Sorry, that is poor theology as far as I’m concern.”

Jacob explained. “You see Reverend, though Nicole is a lost soul, she is also brilliant in arguing her atheistic ways.”

“Jacob I have told you a hundred times I am not an atheist! I just don’t define the divine by your standards”

Beth found herself regretting that she was expected elsewhere. Beth’s sincerity was evident. “I would really love to continue this discussion but I have a committee meeting I need to get to.”

Jacob quipped, “Meetings, the burden of a religious. I am amazed your faith survives such tedium.”

Beth smiled. “They are not all that bad.”

“They are surely more challenging than Nicole’s corporate consulting. She doesn’t have anyone calling to God as justification for their irrationality.”

Nicole interjected, “Oh don’t be so sure.”

Once again Beth found herself surprised by a new piece of information. “Consulting?”

Jacob reached over and pointed to the report lying on Nicole’s lap. “Didn’t you know Nicole is a very respected business consultant. The Elysian Fields is just her hobby.”

“No, I didn’t know.”

Jacob’s pride in Nicole was obvious. “She has many skills.”

“Jacob, I’m sitting right here. You don’t have to talk about me in the third person.”

Jacob defended himself. “You never talk about your good points.” He turned toward Beth. “Nicole revels in her rebellious reputation.”

Exasperated, Nicole pleaded. “Jacob, will you stop.”

Jacob laughed. “I apologize Reverend.”

“Why are you apologizing to the Reverend?”

“Because you are not being gracious to our new friend.”

“Me? I give up!”

Beth laughed at the two. Theirs was a shared joyful irreverence. She felt her original assessment had been confirmed. There was an authentic affection between the two.

“At least the good Reverend is being gracious in keeping her humor.”

Nicole looked up to Beth. “And I’m very grateful.”

Beth held Nicole’s gaze. She knew Nicole was not necessarily referring to the present moment.

Jacob could not help himself. “As you should be.”

Beth regretted. “I really must go.”

Jacob offered an invitation. “Join us again Reverend. I promise you the conversation is always lively.”

“I have no doubt. Goodbye Jacob. Nicole.”

Jacob bestowed a blessing. “God be with you, Reverend.”

Nicole smiled a wordless farewell.

Jacob mused. “Yes, she deserves to win a noble heart.”

~~~

Seeking her in the ordinary

~~~

Jacob started to find Nicole reading on the bench outside of the Elysian Fields every mid-morning. Sometimes he joined her. Other times he simply waved a greeting. He took comfort in seeing her. Nicole always seemed calmer, more at peace with herself when she was focused on her work. On this particular morning he chewed on this pipe with a particular satisfaction as he observed the young priest approach the Elysian Fields. Jacob returned to his office granting the two their public privacy.

Nicole was intent on the strategic plan. With a highlighter she marked the more relevant points. She did not sense the woman standing before her.

Beth waited hoping that Nicole would look up. After a half dozen heartbeats she resigned herself to her invisibility. She needed to speak up. “Good morning.”

It had not been the gentle autumn weather or the comforting murmur of the neighborhood that had been the catalyst of Nicole’s renewed habit of taking a break from her work by stepping out from her loft and sitting on one of the Elysian Fields benches. Nor had it been the prospect of a challenging conversation with Jacob. It had been the hope of hearing that voice. She looked up to see Beth. It was Nicole’s turn to be surprised. Beth was dressed in jeans, a white blouse and a tan short leather jacket. Nicole liked what she saw all the more. “Hello. You are out of uniform.”

Beth looked down at herself suddenly feeling quite self-conscious. “I guess I am. It’s my day off.”

“Monday, that makes sense.”

“Are you working?”

Nicole looked down at the report. She had lost all interest in it. Closing the cap on the highlighter for emphasis she announced, “It’s nothing that can’t wait.”

“I enjoyed listening to you and Jacob.”

“He’s a good man.”

“He seems to think well of you too.”

“Well, I’m admit he has a blind spot when it comes to me.”

“Why is that?”

“Don’t know.”

The wind picked up. Beth noted. “It’s really starting to feel like autumn.”

Nicole quipped, “Just in time for Halloween. It’ll keep the drag queens shivering in their heels while they go trick or treating.”

“I could say something very crass to that.”

“A perfect lead-in now that I think of it. Sorry for the temptation Reverend. I never thought you the type to pick-up on the sordid side of life.”

Beth gently requested. “Please call me Beth.”

“If you call me Nicki.” Nicole was charmed and in turn she was charming. “Would you like some coffee or tea? I can show you The Garden.”

“Yes, tea would be good.”

The Garden was lit by natural light cutting through the same floor to ceiling windows that fringed Nicole’s loft. An atrium jutted out at the rear. The view down was of asphalt rooftops. Looking up there Beth could see the distant downtown Chicago skyline. She imagined the skyline would be striking in the dark of the night.

Nicole suggested. “Why don’t you choose a table while I get the tea.”

Beth chose to sit by the forward windows. She surveyed the dining room. The tables varied in size of twos and fours. The tabletops were made of inlayed soft smooth tiles framed by a light hardwood molding. The tile design consisted of a marble pattern bordering a sheet of solid mauve. At the heart of each table a triangle the length of Beth’s hand. The imagery was subtle yet definite in its statement. The chairs were black metal with an oval back with a palm leaf motif. The cushions at first impression were upholstered in an abstract pattern. But once Beth looked more closely she realized that the design was comprised of a variety of small flowers. The carpet had a gentle green diamond pattern with a mauve four-leaf center. The kitchen stood behind two separate sets of doors. Free standing and hanging plants were placed throughout the restaurant, enough to earn the space its namesake without overwhelming. If Miguel’s cooking was even passable Beth could understand a patron’s desire to come up to The Garden for a respite from the city.

Nicole returned with two mugs of tea. “Here ya go.”

“Thank you. Nicki, this is really a beautiful space. Was it here when you brought it?”

“My mother owned The Pub. I put my money into refurbishing it. Then I expanded down to the Elysian Fields. I saved The Garden for last. I needed to make sure I had enough income to subsidize it until it turned a dollar. I give Miguel most of the credit. Actually, I don’t know what I would do without The Three Musketeers.”

“The Three Musketeers?”

“Miguel has The Garden, Connor - The Pub and Tony - The Elysian Fields. They have been with me from the beginning of each phase.”

“They must be loyal to you.”

“The profit sharing doesn’t hurt either.”

“And your consulting?”

“I’m a member of a consortium of consultants. There are twelve of us in total. We pool our resources to take care of administrative support. We each have a portfolio of clients. We have our specialties so we can be called in to provide technical support. We also can give referrals to each other.”

“Do you like it?”

“I’m good at it.”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“Yes, I like the work. Between my consulting and the Elysian Fields I can have the lifestyle I want. I work when I want. I do what I want.”

Beth was silent. Nicole felt a growing discomfort, a sense of being judged. “You don’t approve of me do you?”

“Nicki, I try not to judge.”

“But you are a priest.”

“And…”

“You’re in the family values business.”

Beth repeated the commonly known fact. “There is a significant presence of alcoholism in the lesbian and gay community.”

Nicole affirmed. “Yes there is. That’s what happens when a community is ghettoized. A bar is one of the few choices there is to safely meet your own kind.”

“It’s hard to think of this neighborhood as safe.”

Nicole felt the press of guilt upon her breast. “I wasn’t drinking that night.”

Beth’s suspicion confirmed she still had unanswered questions. “But…”

Nicole confessed. “It was easier if you thought I became a mugger when I was drunk then try to explain that I blacked out and don’t remember what happens to me except that I seem to be doing some rather stupid things.”

“Dangerous things.”

“Yeah.”

“Have you seen a doctor?”

Nicole shook her head. “No doctors.”

“You have your reasons?”

Nicole set her gaze upon Beth. “Yes I do.”

“You’re not going to tell me.”

“No.”

Beth was confused. “Then why did you tell me the truth?”

Now Nicole was the uncertain one. “What do you mean?”

“Usually, people don’t bring up a painful subject unless they are looking for something.”

Nicole responded sharply. “I don’t want anything from you.”

Beth held her tongue.

Nicole took a breath. She was contrite. “I just wanted you to know the truth. If you are going to judge me I rather it be based on fact and not fiction.”

“I told you I try not to judge people.”

“We all judge people.”

“Then tell me how do you judge me.”

“I don’t know you well enough.” Nicole wished to learn more about the woman seated before her. “Tell me, how does someone come around to deciding to be a priest?”

The question was familiar to Beth. Her response was well practiced. “It just happened. One day I was walking down the street and the thought came to me. It didn’t seem so outrageous. It actually felt right. I was finishing my second year of college. I changed my degree to Religious Studies and then I went on to seminary.”

“No offense but it doesn’t sound as profound as a Damascus experience. What felt right about it?”

“I had been taking philosophy and theology courses as electives. Studying the scriptures, there impact on the people of antiquity and then throughout the ages fascinated me.”

“Doesn’t that make you more of a scholar than a minister?”

“There must be a reason for the studying. Mine is to help others find God and live a better life.”

“Finding God doesn’t guarantee a better life and you can have a good life without God.”

Beth took a careful swallow of her tea giving herself time to formulate a response. “I believe if you have God you will have a better life no matter what that life is. And I won’t argue that there are good people living good lives without an apparent presence of God. It’s just that for me, when I look at them and their actions I’m the one who sees God even if they don’t.”

Nicole was impressed. “What did you’re family think of your decision.”

“My father was pleased.”

Beth was feeling her own rising discomfort. She wanted to redirect the conversation back to Nicole. “You said your mother owned The Pub.”

“Yes, Mom died when I was in grad school. I used the proceeds from her life insurance policy to buy the building. The landlord was happy to get rid of it. The fool wasn’t willing to invest in the neighborhood. He left everything go to hell. So I had the leverage I needed to negotiate a good price.”

“Did it go to Hell or to Tartutus?”

Nicole smiled.

“So you were destined to be a business woman.”

“I don’t know about that. Life presents you certain choices. I did what I felt was best at the time.”

The two continue to talk. Each carefully chose what small pieces of their lives they were willing to share. Beth was the oldest child of two. Her sister Marie was currently studying nursing in Atlanta. They were born and raised in Riverton, Iowa, a small town near the southwestern border of the state. Her father owns the local hardware store. Her mother stayed at home to care for the children while they were growing up. She helped out at the store and volunteered at their church and the library. She died suddenly when Beth was seven.

Nicole was an only child. She never knew her father. Her mother never talked about why he left and early in life she decided she didn’t care. There were certain subjects that remained unspoken. Beth asked no further questions regarding Nicole’s blackouts. Nicole quickly realized that Beth was reticent regarding her mid-west rural upbringing. She simply stated she never felt she belonged so she spent her time in the library reading and learning about worlds beyond the cornfields and dairy farms.

“Reverend, it’s good to see you.” Taking a break from preparing the lunch menu Miguel stepped into The Garden serving area.

“Hello Miguel.”

“Nicki told me you were here. Are you staying for lunch?”

Beth looked over to Nicole.

Nicole invited. “You’re more than welcomed.”

“I wish I could but I have a load of errands to run.” She directed her comment to Miguel. “Can I come back another day?”

“You must. And you don’t have to sit with her if you don’t want to.” Miguel smiled sheepishly as he pointed to the proprietor.

Beth assured, “I kind of like her company.”

“There’s no accounting for taste. Excuse me but I’ve got soup on. Nicole, have you seen Peter?”

“Isn’t it a school day?”

Miguel explained. “He was going to pick up his check. If you do see him the check is in the safe.”

“I’ll let Connor know.”

“Thanks. See you soon Reverend.”

Beth allowed her thoughts to rest upon Nicole. It was pleasant to do so. “Nicki, thank you for the tea.”

“Anytime. Hopefully, you’ll be able to enjoy part of the day.”

Beth’s enthusiasm rose. “I am. I’m going to a lecture at UC this evening.”

Nicole teased, “Can’t get away from the theology.”

“One reason I wanted to come to Chicago was to be close to the University.”

“Can’t blame you. They do bring in some of the best.”

Beth decided to take a risk. “Would you be interested in joining me? It starts at 7:00. I plan to leave around 6:15.”

Nicole was genuinely flattered. “Are you sure you want a heathen sitting beside you?”

Beth was pleased by the prospect. “If you’re willing to sit next to a priest I’m game.”

“Where do you want to meet?’

“I can come here.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

Beth stood up. “I better go. See you tonight.”

~~~

Degrees of passion

~~~

Nicole continued her ribbing. “Remind me never to get into a theological discussion with you without doing my homework first.”

“He was wrong!” Beth impressed

“Obviously.” Nicole affirmed with mock seriousness.

“All I did was to point out a couple of inconsistencies in his argument.”

“Quoting book and verse, no less. You can be fierce.”

“I was respectful.”

“So much for the benign religious.”

“Benign?”

“Come on admit it. The poor guy would have expected a skewering from someone like me, but not you.”

“Appearances can be deceiving.”

“I’ll say.”

Beth smiled sheepishly. “At least it wasn’t boring. You weren’t bored were you?”

Nicole encouraged. “No, not at all. Now, as you were saying…”

Beth studied her new friend. She could find no hint of insincerity. Assured she continued. “The one thing that made Biblical studies in seminary so special was that I never knew what I was going to come up with. I would research the Greek and Hebrew word origins. I’d pour over all the commentators, from liberal to ultra-conservative. I’d try to see if there were parallel myths in pagan, Egyptian and other traditions that might have informed the pericope.” She explained, “Pericopes are self-contained passages.”

“Yes, I know.” Nicole gently noted.

Beth apologized. “Sorry, I try not to assume.”

Nicole smiled. “Go on…I’m listening.”

Beth’s confidence in Nicole’s interest grew. “I tended to come up with some unorthodox readings. Putting the pieces together and explaining them is like writing my own version of the story, with my own twist and turns. I get to emphasize what I think is theologically important. And the most exciting part is I never know the ending - the theme or moral until I’m done.” She paused and turned her attention to Nicole who wore an irresistible grin. “You’re smiling at me.”

Nicole would not deny the obvious. “Yes, I am.”

Beth cocked her head aside in question. Nicole chose to satisfy the younger’s curiosity. “You shine when you talk about your studies.”

Nicole’s words disarmed Beth. She chose to return to the topic at hand. “My studies gave me more latitude than doing sermons.”

Nicole was intrigued by the distinction. “How so?”

“There are some things I wouldn’t say in the pulpit. The congregation would call me a heretic.”

“Maybe. If they did you would be in good company.”

“I don’t think David would appreciate it.”

“You don’t know David. He appreciates having the dust and cobwebs swept aside.”

Beth was once again reminded that Nicole knew David in a way that seemed beyond her. The two walked quietly.

Nicole observed Beth through the corner of her eye. Beth’s passion subsided. Nicole longed for its return. “So, do you miss your studies?”

Beth countered. “I haven’t given them up. I don’t plan ever stopping.” She fell back into her thoughts. She knew her answer was incomplete. “What I do miss are my professors. I miss having someone to read my work and to discuss my ideas with.”

“How about David?”

“I don’t feel he takes me seriously.”

“Really?”

“He likes the argument. Sometimes it feels as if he really isn’t listening to me. Not that he means to make me feel so discounted. It’s just his way.”

“You still have the pulpit.”

“Nicki, like I said it’s not the same.”

“Maybe the people sitting in the pews aren’t a bunch of academics but don’t underestimate your congregation. They may be poor and they may be struggling to survive the streets but that doesn’t mean they don’t know life. Actually, I believe they know more about life than the better-educated living in their middle class neighborhoods. And isn’t that what theology is all about - making meaning out of life, finding the divine in the God-forsaken corners of the world?”

Once again Nicole’s words gave Beth pause. “David mentioned expanding our adult education program. I just don’t know what to offer.”

“You could always ask. Radical thought I know.”

“And if I get silence?”

“Put yourself in their place.”

“That’s the problem. I’m an alien on foreign soil.”

“Oh, I think you have more in common with the people of this neighborhood than you know.”

“How so?”

“Beth, that’s something you will have to figure out for yourself.”

~~~

A return engagement

~~~

Beth walked into The Pub at noon. Connor recognized her from Miguel’s description. It was also hard to miss the collar. Beth approached the bar. Connor came to her immediately. “Welcome Reverend. My name is Connor. May I help you?”

“I’m here for lunch.”

“Pub menu or The Garden?”

“The Garden.”

“You can go right up.”

“Thank you.”

Connor picked up the house phone and dialed the kitchen. Miguel answered. Connor took pleasure in announcing, “Miguel, an angel is on her way up for lunch.”

“Thank you my man.”

Miguel left the kitchen to his assistant. Dressed in Chef’s whites he was an impressive sight as he entered the dining room. “So, you’ve finally decided to come back.”

Beth sighed. “I needed a break from the office.”

Miguel whispered in confidence. “Well, we are very discrete. We won’t tell on you if you’re playing hooky. Let me seat you.”

Miguel gave Beth an atrium table. “I’ve made a nice batch of turtle soup. I also have Jambalaya and Shrimp Creole. And if you’re really hungry I can recommend the catfish, pan fried in lemon butter.”

Beth laughed. “Am I still in Chicago?”

Miguel played with his Southern accent. “Child, you are now experiencing the best of New Orleans’ French Quarter.” He returned to his nuance Latino inflection. “You should see the menu when I decide to do Moroccan. Now that’s exotic!” On good behavior Miguel held back his usual concluding phase ‘or did I mean erotic?’ He handed Beth a menu. “Gil will take your order. Bon appetite.”

Nicole’s house extension rang. “Yes?”

It was Miguel. “How about lunch?”

“Not hungry. Maybe later.”

“Too bad. I was hoping you might keep the Reverend company and I don’t mean David.”

“I’m coming right down.” Nicole smiled a broad free smile, one that she would not allow herself in the company of another. She suspected a conspiracy among the Musketeers when it came to keeping an eye out for Beth. Her positive disposition during Beth’s previous visit to the Elysian Fields was a bit too obvious for Miguel not to comment on again and again and again.

Nicole reached for her keys with her left hand. They slipped out falling to the floor. “Damn it.” Her hand began to tremble. “Son of a bitch! Not now.” She leaned back against her chair. The tremors traveled through out her left side. They were getting worst. “Please. Please don’t.” She begged her body not to fight her and allow her to regain control. The helplessness she felt was intolerable. She knew better than to try to stand up. So she waited.

Beth had completed her meal of soup and salad with fresh French bread and was sipping her coffee. She had hoped to see Nicole. She told herself that Nicole was a busy woman and couldn’t be available at her whim. Gil returned. “How about dessert?”

Beth was gracious. “I don’t think so.”

Gil pleasantly prodded. “You don’t want to disappoint Miguel. We have a choice of bread pudding or a pecan pie.”

“I recommend the bread pudding.” Nicole stepped to Gil’s side.

Beth smiled. “Will you join me?”

Nicole turned to the waiter. “Gil, how about a bowl of the soup, bread and coffee for me and bread pudding…” Nicole paused seeking confirmation from Beth. Beth nodded. “bread pudding and some more coffee for Beth.”

Gil affirmed. “Coming right up.”

Nicole took her seat opposite of Beth. “I’m sorry I couldn’t come down earlier.”

“Did you know I was here?”

“Oh yes, the network did a fine job of informing me the minute you stepped into the door. Unfortunately, something came up while I was at my desk and I couldn’t get away.” Nicole excused the half-truth by telling herself she had in fact not lied. “So what brings you to the Fields?”

“I needed a break.”

“I don’t think so. Breaks are not in your job description.”

“David tells me to get away and then he turns around and gives me a list of a half-dozens assignments.”

“The key is leaving town.”

“I wouldn’t know where to go. And I don’t have a car. I use the church’s.”

Nicole had a thought. “When is your next Sunday off?”

“A week from this coming Sunday, why?”

“I usually go up to Wisconsin for the day every October or November. I’m running late this year. The colors are past peak but it should still be nice. Are you interested?”

“Yes, I’d like that.”

“Good. I’ll pick you up in front of the church at 7:30 a.m.”

“Isn’t that early?”

Nicole was nonchalant. “I want to make 11:30 mass.”

“Mass? We’re going to church?”

“Don’t worry, I haven’t been struck dead yet.”

“Jacob is right when he says your incorrigible.”

“When did Jacob say that?”

Beth smiled guiltily. “Changing the subject…”

Nicole teased. “Reverend you should know that at this very moment your finesse is wanting.”

“Nicki, there is a favor I need to ask you.”

Nicole was cheerful. “Anything.”

“You know the church hosts a Thanksgiving dinner for the neighborhood.”

“And…”

“We’re always looking for some ovens to cook the turkeys. I was wondering if the Elysian Fields kitchen might be available.”

“Beth, we serve a Thanksgiving buffet. There are a lot of people who don’t have or aren’t invited home for the holidays. It’s our tradition.”

Beth did not betray her disappointment. “I understand.”

Nicole mused. “I could still cook two turkeys in my own ovens. Its been so long since I’ve put them to any use I hope I still remember how to turn them on.”

“Thank you. The turkeys will be delivered to the church the Monday before.”

“Don’t worry about it. Consider them my donation to the cause.”

“I’ll subtract two from the order. Nicki, you’re welcome to join us even if only for a little while.”

Gil came with coffee. “Your order will be up in a minute.”

Nicole took advantage of the interruption to redirect the conversation.

~~~

Memories

~~~

David was sitting in the left front pew. Nicole sat next to him. “Thanks for seeing me.”

“It’s been a while, Nicki.”

“She would come and sleep on this pew. This was the only place in the neighborhood where she felt safe.”

David’s sorrow resurfaced. “I only wished I could have done more for her.”

“You couldn’t take away her demons. Nobody could. The hardest part was when she would go through an extended period of lucidity. I would always begin to hope. I knew better but I still would fall into the trap. It would break my heart that much more when she relapsed.” Nicole took a deep breath. “David, I never thanked you for caring for her.” She reached out and covered his hand with her own.

“I wanted to. She had a gentle soul.”

“When she wasn’t trying to tear the world apart.” Once again Nicole paused to gather her thoughts. “David, there is something I need to tell you.”

David considered this woman who he both admired and wished to scold. She had gone through so much it was difficult for him to judge her harshly.

“Beth didn’t tell you the whole truth about the night her cross had been taken from her.”

David looked over to Nicole with great interest.

“I was the one who did it.”

“What?” David’s question was more a statement of disbelief.

“David, I don’t remember. I was working the bar. Next thing I know I was in my bed with a major hangover and Beth’s cross in my hand. David, I hadn’t been drinking. Not that night and not the other nights before and after that I’ve blacked out. It’s happening more often. I’m frighten I’m becoming like my mother.”

David maintained his composure. “Any more violence.”

“Not that I know of but that isn’t saying much.”

“Have you seen a doctor?”

“I have an appointment for tomorrow.”

“Do you want me to go with you?”

“No….thank you. But I may need your help depending on what I’m told.”

“Of course.”

“David, a favor.”

“Yes?”

“Don’t say anything to anyone including Beth.”

“If that’s what you want.” David was reeling inside but he held to his years of training and maintained a ‘ministerial presence’. “You know it might make it easier for her if she knew.”

“What do you mean?”

“Nicki, you’re a hard enough nut to crack for someone like me who has known you half your life. You’ve confused her at best and frightened her at worst.”

“She’s not frightened of me. I want to wait until I know more.”

“Don’t wait too long.”

“David?”

“Yes.”

“There is something about her.”

“Meaning?”

“I don’t know. Why didn’t she say something about what I did?”

“Have you talked about it?”

“A little. I first led her to believe I was drunk. I later fessed-up and told her about the black outs. She doesn’t know about Mom.”

“Why are you holding back? She can handle the truth.”

“Yeah, but who is to say that I can?”

~~~

Diagnosis

~~~

Nicole drove to the park after seeing her surgeon. It had been a week since her first doctor’s appointment. A battery of priority tests followed. From the beginning the source of her concerns was considered organic. She had found relief in that notion. But now organic was translated into tumor and there was little comfort in the diagnosis. Her surgeon wanted to perform the operation immediately. Nicole had already begun to get her life in order. From her doctor’s first suspicion she began planning for an extended absence. Given the urgency of her doctor’s advisement she had intellectually anticipated the truth though emotionally she hadn’t allowed it to trespass upon her. She pulled back her consulting commitments referring work to her consortium partners. She completed open assignments by working longer hours. She warned the Three Musketeers she might be gone for a long spell allowing them to believe it was a consulting job that would take her away. She met with Kate, a college friend and her attorney, and made sure all her estate papers were in order. Again, she withheld her motivation. The only thing holding her back from the hospital was her plans to spend the day with Beth in Wisconsin. It was Thursday. Thanksgiving was a week away. She was adamant with her surgeon that she would not enter the hospital until late Sunday. Her surgery was scheduled for the following day.

It was mid-afternoon and the park was rather forlorn. It equaled her station. She walked down the Lake Michigan shoreline. With each step she journeyed a little closer to her heart. With each step she felt the press of her life. She believed there were no guarantees in life. She believed that we are born without a promise of any kind except one. We are given life. Life itself is a grace. She believed the life we are given is ours to live as best as we are able. Since her mother’s death she had slowly reopened long closed doors to living. All she had known since her early youth was survival. Survival did not allow for the passions. Survival did not allow the heart to feel. And now she walked and she felt the press of her very beliefs. She did not know if she was going to die young. She did not know if the following five days would be her last. She only knew what the surgeon told her. The operation was delicate. One question would be answered on the operating table. Can the tumor be removed? A second question would be answered in the lab. Was the tumor malignant? The final question would be answered in recovery. Did the operation damage any adjacent tissues and impact her capacities? Her tears began to find a way from her depths to the surface. She continued to walk even as the tears blinded her. Her body began to convulse independent from the influence of the tumor. She hugged herself relinquishing all remaining self-control. She conceded to the autonomous winds of life. They took her down to her knees. In the aloneness of the park she surrendered. There would be no more pleas for her symptoms to leave her. There would be no prayer for a reprieve given that there was no God in her life. There was only the painful acceptance that this was her destiny. There was only the painful countenance of life. So she cried freely until the tears subsided. She looked up and out over the horizon. Returning back to her beliefs she knew that she wanted to live the next few days no different than she would have had she not known the intimate face of death.

~~~

Packing

~~~

“Peter’s school work?” Nicole had scoured her memory for the forgotten.

Miguel reproached her lightheartedly. “Enough already. I’ll handle it.”

“You won’t say anything?”

“Have you always thought of me as a moron or is it the brain tumor talking. God, I can’t wait until they cut it out and you get back to your usual pain in the ass instead of the royal pain in the ass you’ve become.”

The two friends exchanged glances. Miguel spoke first. “You will come back good as new.”

Nicole’s self-depreciation surfaced. “That’s not saying much is it?”

Miguel leaned forward and kissed Nicole on the cheek.

Nicole looked down to her suitcase. She examined what was important enough to take with her outside of the necessities.

~~~

The Hill

~~~

Nicole drove up in her two-year old Jeep. She reached over and opened the door. “Hi, jump in.”

Beth couldn’t help but comment. “Nice.”

“I’ve got coffee and rolls complements of Miguel.”

“This is good.”

Nicole smiled. Beth threw her backpack on the rear seat. “I brought an extra sweater just in case it gets cold.”

“I checked the forecast on the Internet. I hope you brought sunglasses. It’s going to be a perfect day.”

“Tell me where are we going?”

“Holy Hill. Have you heard of it?”

“No.”

“It’s Catholic. Do you want a history lesson?”

“Yes please.”

“Good. Makes my homework worthwhile.” Nicole pulled away from the curb and steered the Jeep towards the interstate highway. “Ready? There is a quiz afterwards.”

Beth chuckled. “Hopefully you’ll grade on a curve.”

Nicole began recollecting what she learned from her internet reading the night before. “Holy Hill is northwest of Milwaukee on what’s considered the highest point in southeastern Wisconsin. It had a history of attracting religious or at least religious legends. The Discalced Carmelite Friars belong to the reform order of Carmelites that was begun by St. Teresa of Jesus and St. John of the Cross. Discalced means barefoot. It reflects the fact that the order places greater emphasis on community and contemplation than the ancient Order Carmelites. The Discalced Carmelites came to Holy Hill from Bavaria at the invitation of the Archbishop sometime in 1906. I think that within the year there were seven men. They slowly built a community. Between 1919 and 1931 they built the monastery, the shine and replaced an older church with the current upper church. It was a minor seminary from the mid-30s to early 50’s. In the mid-80s they reworked both the upper and lower churches. When I was there last year they were taking extra collections for the renovation fund. With a church its size I think keeping it up is a never-ending chore. We are going to service in the main sanctuary. We can visit the Shrine of Mary and take a walk through the grounds where they have the life-sized Stations of the Cross carved in Bedford Stone. There is also a tower if you want to climb a whole bunch of steps to see a better view of the countryside.” Nicole looked over to a Beth who was quietly opening the thermos and pouring herself a travel mug of coffee. “How does that sound?”

“Wonderful.” Beth was curious, “Why do you go there every year?”

“My Mom. She would take me. She was raised in Cedarburg, WI. a town on Lake Michigan about twenty miles north of the downtown Milwaukee. Her Mom would take her every year. It’s a tradition. I remember that no matter what was happening with my Mom when we went to Holy Hill everything was okay. On that day, everything was always okay.”

“Weren’t they otherwise.”

Nicole knew it was time to share more of her history. “My Mom was mentally ill. It got pretty bad sometimes. You see that’s why I never questioned my father leaving us.”

“I didn’t know.”

“She’s a ghost nobody talks about. When she died a great weight was taken off the neighborhood. She was high maintenance. When she was good she would give back but I never felt the debt was paid. I don’t think it ever can be. My mother was a genius. I often wondered if her illness was the price she paid for that genius.”

There was an uncomfortable hush between them. Beth remembered Jacob’s description of Nicole as brilliant. The young woman admitted she was good at what she did. How good was good? Maybe if the genius stayed in the family, the fear of the accompanying madness did too.

Nicole breached the tension. “You see I’m like my Mom. I’ve been high maintenance all my life.”

Confirmation of Beth’s speculation had come within a heartbeat. Beth needed to shake it off. “That doesn’t mean you’re mentally ill. Nicole, I know we haven’t spoken about your blackouts since you mentioned them to me. I’ve tried to respect your privacy, but don’t you think you should see someone about it.”

“It’s been on my mind, Beth. Give me today. I want everything to be okay today.”

“Promise you won’t sweep your illness aside.”

“You have my word. Now pour me some coffee will ya.”

Beth allowed her eyes to rest upon the Wisconsin landscape of farmland and small towns. The interstate took them through Milwaukee. Given the early hour of the day Nicole chose not to take the bypass. For Beth’s benefit they went through the heart of the city. From Milwaukee they traveled west. Another 30 minutes and Nicole exited north unto a county highway. They soon left any trace of the suburban returning to the rural. As they neared the church groves of trees paralleled the road. Most stood bare their leaves long fallen. The ground was blanketed by hues of auburn, yellow and the crisp brown of decay. Beth imagined the greater beauty they had missed by a number of weeks. Neither spoke as Nicole casually maneuvered the Jeep through the winding road. Nicole would occasionally glance over to Beth. Beth’s pleasure was self-evident.

Nicole was directed to park at the Shrine’s lower parking lot. The two women had not spoken since entering the grounds. They left the Jeep and took to the road leading to the upper church. Walking beside Beth, Nicole found herself wanting to take her companion’s hand. Instead she buried her own hands into her jacket pockets. Nicole shorten her normal stride to match Beth’s lesser gait. Beth looked about intently. She had the immediate impression that she was in a special place. There were many others coming and going, their countenance stillness in motion. There was a centerness, a graceful purpose manifest in their conduct. There was a shift from the noise of the world to the quiet of this sacred space.

Nicole motioned toward an exterior path. “We can walk up or go in there,” she indicated the gift shop and restroom facility, “and take the elevator.”

Wordlessly Beth led them toward the exterior steps. Content with the choice, Nicole followed. Upon reaching the top of the stairs Beth walked to the concrete parapet that enfolded the perimeter of the elevated plaza. The view of the Wisconsin landscape took her another measure within herself. She realized how in the city she had lost the ever-present childhood wonder of the magnificence and simplicity of creation. Nicole stood beside her with a reassuring reserve.

Beth spoke her heart. “It’s beautiful.”

Nicole echoed. “Yes, it is.”

The tower bells announced the next service. Beth turned toward the church admiring its Romanesque façade. She walked along with the other worshippers. Nicole again followed placidly coming to Beth’s side. As they entered the main sanctuary Nicole took another glance toward her companion. Beth said nothing but the brightness of her eyes spoke as they cast across the expanse of the aisles and nave and ahead to the altar and apse. Beth walked forward toward the first few pews that like a schoolroom’s first row of desks remained sparsely occupied. Beth went to the front pew, deliberately knelt upon one knee before the image of the Christ as she performed the sign of the cross. She raised herself to a standing position and entered the pew. Nicole approached and looked up to the image of the crucified Jesus of Nazareth. As a gesture of respect she bowed her head before joining Beth. Beth lowered the knee rest, knelt and closed her eyes in prayer. Nicole sat back. The image of Beth was gently tugging at her heart. She found herself captivated by the young priest.

Nicole remembered when she first broke away from the church. Her disdain for anything religious was expressed at every opportunity. Her feeling of betrayal left no room for tolerance. She named believers naďve at best and fools at worst. She spate Marx’s comment of ‘religion being the opiate of the masses’ with great relish and regularity. How time heals. There was no longer a need to damn others to find her peace.

The choir began singing a hymn. There was very little in terms of the liturgy that Nicole could repeat with a sincere belief but that was not why she had come. She sought the spirit, the posture of humility. She sought the capacity of acceptance that what will come will come. She didn’t need to believe in a higher power or divine plan. She did need to come to a place within herself that would take hold of goodness and not allow it to slip away from her in the fear and uncertainty of the moment.

The liturgy progressed to the Sign of Peace. Standing, Nicole and Beth turned to one another. For an awkward moment Nicole thought to extend her hand. Beth opened her arms and took Nicole into her embrace. Nicole felt the embrace viscerally. Beth whispered in her ear, “Peace be with you.”

They tenderly separated. Nicole yearned for the peace Beth wished for her. She searched for it in the other woman’s eyes, eyes she held dearly in her gaze. “Peace be with you, Beth.” Nicole was rewarded with Beth’s warm smile. A surge of sorrow shook the former to her core as they both allowed the moment to linger. It was only the voices and motion of the other worshippers exchanging the Sign of Peace that broke the spell between them. With an alternating, contradicting sense of relief and regret Nicole turned to the elder gentleman to her left.

At the Eucharist Nicole and Beth stepped out of the pew to comfortably allow the other worshippers an exit. They returned to their seats. Nicole watched as “the body of Christ” was offered to all Catholics wishing to receive it. Beth in turn observed Nicole.

The service ended in an hour’s time. They existed allowing the silence between them to continue undisturbed. Once again Beth went to the parapet and looked out to the landscape. Nicole stood beside her as she had done throughout the visit. Beth could not remember being with anyone other than her grandmother who gave her such complete freedom and yet radiated an embrace of warmth with her very presence. Without diverting her eyes from the horizon she took Nicole by the hand. Nicole was surprised by the muted gesture. Beth’s voice trembled. “Thank you for bringing me here.”

Nicole squeezed Beth’s hand. She didn’t trust herself to speak.

After the passing of a few minutes Beth looked to Nicole. “Where next?”

“The path to the Stations of the Cross. This way.” Nicole stepped away taking Beth with her. Self conscious, she released the other’s hand.

They walked down from the hill passing each of the Stations of the Cross. Beth spoke first, “Nicole, what does Christianity mean to you?”

Nicole remembered how her mother would stop at each station and impress upon her as a child the tragedy of the passion. Her mother could never keep hold of the hope promised by Easter. Her worldview remained in the pain and torture of the crucifixion. Nicole believed in God as a child because her mother did. She also believed in the tooth fairy, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny because her mother taught their stories. When her mother confessed that the latter three were a comforting fiction she wondered why the line was drawn without the addition of the wise fatherly all-knowing, all-powerful divinity. The only model she had known was the creator who knew all, controlled all, bestowed grace and judgment, a God she found to be capricious, a God she could never understand, let alone affirm. She studied the Greek classics, philosophy and theology in college trying to understand why humanity seemed intent on keeping a god or the gods real to them. Her god - and given a choice her god was always a small “g” - is the source of the mystery of existence. Her god is the creative spark of life and the cessation of that spark in death. Her god is humanity’s capacity for compassion and rage, for trust and fear, for love and hate. Her god flows from her and to her during a passionate yet tender sexual union with another, as well as when she gently places her hand over that of a friend. Her god allows for tears of joy and sorrow knowing that the line between pain and pleasure can be rather thin. Her god abounds in a shared silent gaze when there are no words to convey what is felt or understood - when silence is enough. For her god is all and all is god. She found god in Beth, in the surrounding environs, in her own capacity to feel, to will, to breathe. Nicole knew all of this but she could not explain it anymore than Jacob could explain to her why he knew Yahweh. And she felt with equal certainty that Beth would not be able to truly explain why she knew her Christ.

Beth continued to walk patiently waiting to see if Nicole would answer her question. Nicole seemed to have been carried far away and Beth was not going to bring her back prematurely. Nicole returned to the question at hand. ‘What did Christianity mean to her?’ She answered. “Beth, I look up at the cross and I see a man who died because he wanted to change the world. I believe he was frighten in the Garden of Gethsemane when he asked God to remove his cup from him but also said he would accept God’s decision. And I believe that on the cross when he cried out ‘My God, My God, why have you forsaken me’ his heart was broken. I believe a group of people tried to create a movement based on that broken man’s teachings and during the centuries it has been twisted and turned to the point that it’s sometimes hard to find the original message to love God with all your heart and soul and to love your neighbor as yourself.”

Beth knew she shouldn’t be surprised by Nicole’s response but each time Nicole broached the theological it left Beth humbled. “I can’t argue about the twists and turns. I experience them in the Episcopal Church.”

Nicole was sincere in her question. “How can you stand it?”

“Nicki, a church is as imperfect as the people who create it. You can’t have a church if you demand perfection.”

“Now you know why I have no church.”

“But you came here. You’re still linked to St. Ann’s. You can’t tell me your not.”

Nicole realized that Beth hadn’t made the connection yet. Beth didn’t understand that the Hill and St. Ann’s were both places she returned to because of the woman who gave her life, the woman who left her indelible imprint upon her daughter’s soul. Nicole stopped and waited for Beth to do the same. “Beth, it’s about my Mom. It’s always been about her.”

The veil was raised. Beth looked down feeling foolish. Now it was Nicole’s turn to wait for the other’s return to the moment. For Beth it - her faith - was always about her grandmother. They suddenly didn’t seem so different. The chasm had been crossed. She spoke with true understanding. “Of course.”

The clarity between them had become palpable. Satisfied, Nicole began to walk down the path anew. Beth joined her. The comfortable silence renewed.

They spent the balance of the day in a lighter mood. They brunched at a nearby restaurant, sharing stories of one’s mother and the other’s grandmother. Nicole purposely kept to the easier stories. Beth had no need to filter her telling. There was nothing about her grandmother she could not celebrate.

They returned to the city as the sun approached dusk. Beth jumped out of the Jeep. She turned and looked back to Nicole. “I had a wonderful time.”

Nicole felt the all too familiar press of her heart. She was determined not to wince from the pain of what she feared was the pending loss of her life, as she knew it. “Me too. It was a perfect day. Thank you for joining me.”

Beth hesitated. “About Thanksgiving.”

Nicole cut Beth short. “The turkeys will be delivered as promised.”

“My invitation is still open.”

“We’ll see. Okay?”

Beth pursed her lips together and nodded. There was nothing more to be said. “Goodnight Nicki.”

“Goodnight Beth.”

Beth closed the Jeep door and stepped back unto the sidewalk. Nicole took one last look at the beautiful young woman. She wished there had been a way to steal a kiss. She would have been complete with a kiss. Instead, she drove away with her own bittersweet tears falling onto her lips.

PART 2

~~~

Thanksgiving deliverance

~~~

Beth was managing all the incoming food deliveries. Each entry she looked up in anticipation of seeing Nicole. It was hard to explain why the dark hair woman meant so much to her.

Miguel dressed as a pilgrim and Peter, the Elysian Fields’ sixteen-year old kitchen hand, entered with large covered serving dishes. Miguel couldn’t help the fun of making an entrance. “Happy Thanksgiving!”

Beth waited to see Nicole trail behind the spectacle but was disappointed. “Miguel, over in the kitchen.” She followed him. “You look delightful.”

“I was hoping for butch!” He laughed upon seeing Beth’s reaction. “Didn’t mean to make you blush, Rev.”

“Don’t worry about me. I know a young woman priest is a target few can resist.”

“Beth you may be irresistible but it has nothing to do with your collar.”

Beth’s blush deepened. “Enough all ready.”

Miguel set the serving dish down. “You’ve got to be kidding. We got at least three more trips of food to get out of the van.”

“What? I asked Nicki for two turkeys.”

“And you got them sweetheart. I’ve also got fresh baked rolls, salad, yams and pies. Oh and when you open these birds don’t be surprised if you find Cuban black bean dressing. Got to put a little Latino culture into this white man’s holiday.”

“I can’t wait to try it.”

“I expect a complete critique next time you come to The Garden.”

“Miguel, do you know if Nicki plans to drop by?”

Miguel hated the lie. “No, can’t say I do.”

Beth explored a possibility. “Maybe I’ll come over after we finish up here.”

Miguel attempted to change the subject. “I better unload the food before it gets cold.”

Beth sought Miguel’s guidance. “Miguel, will you be honest with me?”

Miguel silently damned the moment. “I’ll do my best.”

“Would I be out of place at The Garden today? I don’t want to make Nicki uncomfortable.”

“You’re always welcomed.” Miguel placed his hand on Beth’s arm as an added confirmation.

Beth nodded.

“Got to go. I got a wild bunch to feed.” Miguel stopped himself. His tone shifted to the sober. “Beth, don’t come by The Garden tonight.”

Beth studied Miguel, his gaze diverted away from her. “I understand.”

Miguel stepped up. “No Beth you don’t. Nicki won’t be there. She’s going to be away for a while.”

Nicole’s absence was truly unexpected. “She didn’t mention it.”

“She isn’t very talkative or haven’t you noticed?”

“I’ve noticed. Did she say when she was coming back?”

“Not really. She left it kind of open. The Musketeers are use to keeping The Fields going when she’s away.”

Beth had little success in hiding her disappointment. “Thanks for saving me a trip.”

Miguel rejected her gratitude. “Don’t thank me Beth.”

Beth gave Miguel a questioning look.

In Beth’s presence Miguel could no longer find it within him to collaborate in her deception. “Damn it if I burn in hell for this. Beth, priests visit hospitals don’t they?”

Beth nodded.

“So, if you happen to go to Memorial to visit patients and you happen to notice Nicki’s name on some list you might decide to go visit her, right?”

Beth was only beginning to understand what Miguel was alluding to. She whispered, “Yes.”

“I figure she’ll be angry at first but then she’ll be happy to have you with her.”

“You think?”

“Yeah, I think.”

Beth swallowed with difficulty. “Why is she…”

“She’ll have to tell you. Okay?” Miguel saw the fear in the young priest. “Beth, it’s Thanksgiving. There is reason to be thankful. Trust me on this.”

~~~

Line drawn for a friendship

~~~

“David, you knew Nicki was in the hospital didn’t you?”

David could see that Beth’s distress went beyond that of a casual acquaintance. “Beth, remember we must respect the confidentiality of those we minister to.”

There was an accusation in her tone. “We’re colleagues.”

David was firm. “What does that change? She confided in me and asked me to respect her privacy. What would you have had me do?”

Beth took a seat. “I know you’re right.”

“How did you find out?”

Beth smiled. “Confidential source.”

“How much do you know?”

“I’m tempted to pretend I know more than I do.”

“Won’t work. More devious people have tried to play me. You don’t minister in the streets without learning a thing or two.”

Beth admitted. “All I know is that she’s at Memorial.”

“Nicki will have to tell you the rest.”

Beth tried to negotiate her sense of displacement. “David, Nicki said she didn’t want me to be her priest. She wanted a friendship. But I’m confused. If I was her friend she would have told me.”

“Don’t be so hard on her or yourself. She told only the people she had to to keep her life in order.” David paused as a thought entered his mind. He smiled. “So, Miguel spilled it. Bless his compassionate heart. Thank God he doesn’t have the same vows I do.”

“So, am I Nicki’s friend?”

“You tell me. There is nothing that says you can’t be. She is a part of the neighborhood community but not a congregant of this church. She and I go back to a time she was so that makes my relationship with her different from yours. She’s not a bad friend to have although there are times she exasperates me. Beth, the question is, ‘Are you a friend or a priest when you are with her?’”

“I never stop being a priest.”

David shook his head disapprovingly. “What did they teach you in seminary? Beth, you better learn to draw your boundaries or you’ll never have a life to call your own.”

~~~

The day is done

~~~

In the ascending hospital elevator Beth realized she was still wearing her collar. She removed it and unbuttoned the first two buttons on her blouse, intent on being a civilian during her visit. She walked passed the Neurology 4 West Nurses’ station toward Nicole’s room without checking in on the patient’s status. She paused outside the open door uncertain of how she was going to explain herself. She knew all she could do was confess the truth. She cared.

She entered the single bed hospital room. It was dark except for a florescent light which hung on the wall over the bed. Nicole lay propped up in a 45° angle. Her head was bandaged. Her raven black hair had been cut off. She was pale, her eyes bruised black. A book rested on her chest. Beth stood by the bed. Her eyes traveled across the body that seemed void of all life, all spirit. Careful not to disturb the IVs Beth took Nicole’s hand into her own.

“Still asleep.” The nurse’s voice was kind.

Beth nodded. “Yes.”

“She may not wake up for a while.”

“I’m in no hurry.”

“Reverend, you look younger without your collar.”

“Special effects.” Beth gently quipped. She should have known that anonymity was not hers to have.

“How well do you know her?”

Beth turned to the familiar nurse. “Why do you ask?”

The nurse walked around Beth to the other side of the bed. She checked the IVs. “It’s just the way she took the news. It was hard to gage her.”

Beth assessed the nurse. Her name tag said Sarah.

Sarah continued. “Some people find it near impossible to be any less than they were before an illness. Especially those who are alone in life. You know what I mean?”

“Yes, I do. I’ve found it’s even harder when a patient is young.”

“I’m hoping she shows some spirit. She’s going to need it if she’s going to walk again.”

Beth’s heart ached. “I didn’t know.”

“Oh? I assumed you checked the chart. The tumor was contained and the biopsy was negative. The doctors are optimistic that they got it all. But…when Nicole woke up her legs didn’t respond to stimulation. By Tuesday she had gotten some feeling back. We’re hoping the paralysis is only temporary.”

Beth felt a press against her chest. She was finding it hard to breathe.

Sarah asked, “So, is she a fighter?”

Beth repeated the question to herself. Was this confounding woman a fighter? She voiced the answer she needed to believe. “Yes, I think she is.”

“Good. I’ve got to go. Call if you need anything.”

“Thank you.”

Beth wondered if Nicole would in fact fight. She seemed so terribly vulnerable in her state. Beth noted the undisturbed book. She returned Nicole’s hand to the bed and reached out for the book. Turning it in her hands she noted that it was a collection of American poetry. She opened it to the bookmark. It was a poem by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. Once again Beth looked back up to the mystifying woman before her. She spoke aloud. “Poetry Nicki? I wouldn’t have guessed.” The young priest proceeded to read the poem to the sleeping patient.

The Day is Done

The day is done, and the darkness

Falls from the wings of Night,

As a feather is wafted downward

From an eagle in his flight.

I see the lights of the village

Gleam through the rain and the mist,

And a feeling of sadness comes o’er me

That my soul cannot resist.

A feeling of sadness and longing,

That is not akin to pain,

And resembles sorrow only

As the mist resembles the rain.

Come, read to me some poem,

Some simple and heartfelt lay,

That shall soothe this restless feeling,

And banish the thoughts of day.

Not from the grand old masters,

Not from the bards sublime,

Whose distant footsteps echo

Through the corridors of Time.

For, like strains of martial music,

Their mighty thoughts suggest

Life’s endless toil and endeavor;

And tonight I long for rest

Read from some humbler poet,

Whose songs gushed from his heart,

As showers from the clouds of summer,

Or tears from the eyelids start;

Who, through long days of labor,

And nights devoid of ease,

Still heard in his soul the music

Of wonderful melodies.

Such songs have power to quiet

The restless pulse of care,

And come like the benediction

That follows after prayer.

Then read from the treasured volume

The poem of thy choice,

And lend to the rhyme of the poet

The beauty of thy voice.

And the night shall be filled with music,

And the cares, that infest the day,

Shall fold their tents, like the Arabs,

And as silently steal away.

~~~

Movement

~~~

Beth felt the movement in her hand. She sat up in her chair, her eyes traveled from their intertwined hands to Nicole’s face. Nicole’s eyelids fluttered. Beth willed herself to remain silent. She had learned to allow patients to lead. Consciousness is fragile and reentry into a harsh reality is not to be rushed. Nicole pressed her hand tightly. Beth studied Nicole closely to see if she was in pain. A lonely moan escaped from the back of Nicole’s throat. Beth stood up and moved closer. Nicole opened her eyes. It took a few heartbeats for her to focus. She was rewarded with the sight of a beautiful though concerned Beth.

Beth did not speak until Nicole returned her smile. “Hi.”

Nicole scanned Beth. “You’re out of uniform.”

“I’m not on duty.” Beth took a steadying breath. “You know how to keep a secret.”

“Yeah. I also know how to ring Miguel’s neck. He better watch his back once I’m back on my feet.” Nicole realized what she just had said. The despair she felt the day before returned. She turned her head away from Beth in an effort to hide her tears.

“I know Nicki. You’ll walk again. You’ll just have to work through it.” Beth knew she was breaking every rule in the book of chaplaincy. She didn’t know if Nicole would walk again. She wasn’t supposed to give false hopes. But she didn’t care. “I hear the tumor was contained.”

“Yeah. I can no longer plea temporary insanity.” Nicole squeezed Beth’s hand.

“What is it?”

“It’s good to see you.”

Beth pressed Nicole’s hand reassuringly. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I’m use to being on my own.”

“I understand. When do you start physical therapy?”

“What time is it?

Beth looked to her watch. “1:30”

“Today. Shouldn’t you be home in your own bed?”

Beth lied. “I lost track of time.”

Nicole directed. “Go home, Beth.”

Beth was not going to presume her welcome. “Would you like me to come back?”

“Why don’t you give me some time?”

“Seeing you this way doesn’t bother me.”

Nicole was frank. “What if it bothers me?”

Beth asserted. “You can’t ask me to be your friend and then unilaterally decide to shut me out. It’s not right.”

Nicole offered Beth a reprieve. “You can bale out if I get to be too much of a bear.”

Beth smiled. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

Nicole tried again to release Beth from her bedside. “Goodnight Beth.”

“Goodnight Nicki.” Beth waited as Nicole closed her eyes and drifted back to sleep.

~~~

Fighting

~~~

Beth was redirected to Physical Therapy. Two more inquiries led her to Nicole. At a distance Beth observed Nicole from the back. Nicole was standing in between waist high parallel bars. Her legs were braced. She stiffly moved, near dragged them as she worked her way from the center toward the end of the expanse. Beth remained intentionally out of sight. She could hear Nicole grunt at each stroke forward as the physical therapist encouraged her. Nicole reached the end of the bars. With the therapist’s help she turned around to attempt another length of the bars. She was drenched in her own perspiration. Beth was transfixed to Nicole’s dogged expression.

There was something about this woman that was slowly owning Beth. Her regard could not be defined. She had seen so much in Nicole in such a short period of time. Nicole was not an onion with layers. She was far too complex for that analogy. Beth wondered how removal of the tumor would affect Nicole. She wondered how many different aspects of the Nicole she had known would survive. The woman of the night who toyed with violence, the business owner, the consultant, the philanthropist, the woman who defined the divine in her own terms without discounting other religious traditions. The woman who didn’t have to be right but who did need to be true to herself, hold to her integrity, live with dignity.

Beth found the same qualities in Jacob. She understood that was the foundation of Nicole’s friendship with Jacob. She also felt that the connection she shared with Nicole was different. Dare she say more? And yet she could not explain it. From Nicole’s first words to her, ‘I know you,’ Beth feared, yes feared the validity of the pronouncement coming true. To have someone else know her that completely was a devastating possibility. She knew she withheld herself from Nicole and she wished she had the courage to let her defenses fall. It was so hard to surrender herself because Nicole was impossible to phantom. The more time Beth spent with Nicole the less she felt she could control their friendship. It was deepening in spite of her efforts to keep the other woman at arms length. Nicole was dangerous to her. The danger of Nicole was that she unknowingly had the ability to break open Beth’s soul. One could not be with Nicole without being true. Nicole compelled the truth and Beth’s will was succumbing to the tender seduction that is Nicole.

“Damn it! Nicole’s cry and the sound of her fall pulled Beth from her reverie. “God damn it!”

Beth stepped forward. The therapist had caught Nicole buffering the impact. He cradled her, slowly resting her completely onto the floor. “Are you hurt?”

Nicole had no patience for him. “No!”

“You’ve done enough. Let’s get you back to your room.”

“I’m going to walk!”

“Nicole, you can’t do this all in one day.” The therapist reached out to help her up.

“Mark, get your hands off me! I can get up by my God damn self!”

Mark leaned back on his heals and waited. Nicole looked ahead. Someone was standing in front of her. She looked up. Her greatest nightmare had come true. It was Beth. “Fuck!”

Beth called forth. “Nicki.”

Nicole looked down. “I told you I didn’t want you to see me this way!”

Beth did her best to console. “You were doing so good. You’re just tired.”

Nicole would have none of it. “I don’t want your condensing pity!”

Beth bent down to her. She spoke softly. “Nicki, I’m trying to be your friend.”

Nicole steeled herself. “I don’t need your friendship.”

Beth’s own anger rose. “That isn’t what you said to me at St. Ann’s. Or was that the tumor talking? When the doctors excised the tumor did they also excise our friendship?”

Nicole couldn’t suppress her tears. “I want to walk for you. I want to be able to go back to the Hill with you.”

Beth promised. “You will walk. We will go back to the Hill. But it’s going to take time. Let Mark help you.” Beth looked over to the therapist. He smiled reassuringly to the young priest.

Nicole observed. “You’re in uniform.”

“I’ve got a couple of visits to do.”

Nicole was not unkind. “Go ahead. I’ll see you later.”

Beth looked over to Mark. He nodded encouraging her to take her leave.

Beth placed her hand over Nicole’s. “I’ll be by your room later tonight.” Beth stood up and left the facility. Walking down the hospital corridor she unwittingly found herself smiling. Nicole wanted to walk for her.

Back in Physical Therapy Nicole looked over to Mark. “Well, aren’t you going to help me up?”

Mark laughed. “Remind me to call in the Reverend for all your PT sessions.”

~~~

Journey to the beginning

~~~

Beth was in the midst of her second patient visit when her pager vibrated. She clipped the pager from her waist and looked to the phone number. It was David. She excused herself and went to the nearest telephone in the hospital corridor and made the call. David hesitated upon hearing her voice. He gathered his thoughts and conveyed the message he received from Beth’s father. Her grandmother had a stroke. The prognosis was not good. David offered Beth one of the church’s cars to drive home. She accepted the offer. She would return to the church immediately.

Beth was numb. She walked down the corridor to the elevator getting out on the main floor. By rote she found herself at the hospital chapel. It was a small, quiet, dimly lit space that provided the repose patients, staff and visitors were apt to seek out during the arduous days and nights of the hospital. She found it empty. She did not have the strength to move further into the space. Instead she leaned against the back wall. Her hand went to the cross hanging around her neck. The delicate, gold cross that had been hers since she was a child, the cross that symbolized her grandmother and God. In many ways she could not imagine one without the other. Beth felt weak. She felt her strength had been taken from her. Her grandmother had always been her champion. Beth’s sense of belonging, her sense of value resided in her grandmother’s arms. No where else. No one else had seen Beth for who she was. No one else encouraged Beth to become. She heard the sobs without being completely aware that they were her own. She slid down the wall unable to sustain herself any longer. Her grief was unbounded.

Beth returned to Nicole’s room. Entering she found Nicole asleep. She stepped up to Nicole’s bed. Beth longed for Nicole’s comfort but how could she ask? She wrote a brief note and placed it on Nicole’s bed table. She left the room and walked down the desolate white washed corridors that smelled of illness and death, void of the hope she was only an hour before so certain of.

~~~

Awakening

~~~

Nicole woke slowly. Her muscles ached from the previous day’s exertion. Another day brought another effort. She looked down to her legs, foreign entities that no longer seemed a part of her. She would have them back. She would meld them seamlessly back, they would once again be a part of her. She would be complete. She smiled as she remembered Mark’s comment to call upon Beth. Was it to play interference? Or did he see in Nicole her passion, the passion that came in step with Beth. In step, one step at a time, she would walk. In step with her desire to be whole, strong and the fates be with her, desirable.

She had fallen asleep without seeing Beth. The fatigue of her effort took her to a deep sleep. In her sleep she found a grain of contentment. In her sleep she could dream of walking as effortlessly as she had done before the tumor caused tremors claimed her equilibrium, before the surgical damage. She scanned her room. The note was prominently positioned on the table beside her. She smiled certain that it was Beth’s words awaiting her.

Nicki,

I’ve been called away. I should be back in a week.

Be well,

Beth

Nicole read the words repeatedly. Beth would not come to her today. The note was dearth of any emotion. It was neutered of all life. There was no promise of a phone call. There was nothing but what needed to be said to counter any possible recrimination. Nicole closed her eyes and leaned her head back. The germ of hope had been splashed by the antiseptic ink on paper.

~~~

Words of poets

~~~

Beth entered The Pub. Connor waved her over to the bar. She approached leaning against it waiting for Connor to finish serving a patron. “Welcome back.”

“It’s good to be back. How is she?”

“I’m waiting for her to get real angry. She’s not there yet.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Nicki does her best when she’s angry. Her anger fuels her. Right now, I don’t know. There doesn’t seem to be much life in her. I know she’ll be okay when she throws the wheelchair out of the loft. She needs to decide she rather claw herself across the room then sit in the fucker.” Connor blushed realizing what he had said. He quickly apologized for his language. “Sorry.”

Beth ignored the language she herself used on occasion. “Isn’t that extreme?”

“Yes, but that’s Nicki.”

Beth looked away towards the stairs leading to The Garden. “I’ve never been to the loft.”

“Just go up to The Garden. Keep going down the hall. You’ll see another set of stairs. Go up. She usually keeps the door open. Walk right in.”

“Thank you.”

Connor advised. “Beth, don’t be too easy on her. That’s not what she needs right now.”

Beth nodded. She followed Connor’s instructions. Connor called the kitchen. Peter picked up. “Peter, tell Miguel the angel is back in town and on her way up to the loft.”

Beth found the large oak door open. She stayed under the threshold scanning the loft. It was splendid. Given the rest of the Elysian Fields she was no longer surprised by the jewels Nicole held in her possession. The space was very much Nicole. It had an unassuming elegance even with the dining room table positioned against the wall. A set of parallel bars had been installed in the table’s place. The owner sat in a wheelchair behind her desk. Beth knocked on the door and walked in. “Hi.”

Nicole looked up from her book. She offered a muted greeting. “Hello.”

Beth tried to be positive. “You’re up.”

“Sitting-up.” Nicole clarified.

Beth pointed at the volume in Nicole’s hands. “What are you reading?”

“Emily Dickenson.” Nicole looked again to the poem. She chose to read it aloud. It would speak for her.

I cannot live with you

It would be life,

And life is over there

Behind the shelf

The sexton keeps the key to,

Putting up

Our life, his porcelain,

Like a cup

Discarded of the housewife,

Quaint or broken;

A newer Sevres pleases,

Old ones crack.

I could not die with you,

For one must wait

To shut the other’s gaze down,—

You could not.

And I, could I stand by

And see you freeze,

Without my right of frost,

Death’s privilege?

Nor could I rise with you,

Because your face

Would put out Jesus’,

That new grace

Glow plain and foreign

On my homesick eye,

Except that you, than he

Shone closer by.

They’d judge us—how?

For you served Heaven, you know,

Or sought to;

I could not,

Because you saturated sight,

And I had no more eyes

For sordid excellence

As Paradise.

And were you lost, I would be,

Though my name

Rang loudest

On the heavenly fame.

And were you saved,

And I condemned to be

Where you were not,

That self were hell to me.

So we must keep apart,

You there, I here,

With just the door ajar

That oceans are,

And prayer,

And that pale sustenance,

Despair!

Nicole fell silent and turned the wheelchair aside so she could look out the windows.

Beth didn’t know what to say. She simply spoke Nicole’s name.

“Beth, don’t mind me. I don’t recommend Emily Dickenson after brain surgery. Now Sara Teasdale has potential.” Nicole paged through the book and found the poem that compelled her reading countless times since Beth had left her alone in the hospital. “Here it is.”

Since there is no escape, since at the end

My body will be utterly destroyed,

This hand I love as I have loved a friend,

This body I tended, wept with and enjoyed;

Since there is no escape even for me

Who love life with a love too sharp to bear:

The scent of orchards in the rain, the sea

And hours alone too still and sure for prayer—

Since darkness waits for me, then all the more

Let me go down as waves sweep to the shore

In pride, and let me sing with my last breath;

In these few hours of light I lift my head;

Life is my lover—I shall leave the dead

If there is any way to baffle death.

Nicole looked up. What was she doing? She had before her the only thing she had wanted during the past five days and now she was wallowing in her own self-pity. “You came back.”

Beth was flustered by Nicole’s abrupt shift in focus. “Yes, I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye.”

“You left a note.”

“I didn’t want to wake you.”

Nicole was earnest. “Beth, next time wake me.”

Beth understood her error. “I will.”

“What was so important that you had to leave? David was absolutely worthless as a source.”

Beth needed a moment to collect herself. “May I sit down?”

“I’m sorry, yes.”

Beth felt her grief. It was so hard to breathe. She held her hands together before her. The last few words of the Teasdale poem echoed in her mind. ‘Life is my lover—I shall leave the dead If there is any way to baffle death.’p>

Nicole watched Beth’s mien turn. Sadness swept over the young woman. “Beth, what is it?”

Beth looked up. A single tear fell down her cheek. “My grandmother had a stroke. She died before I could see her. I needed to drive home for the funeral.”

Nicole was stunned. A battery of questions flashed through her mind. She spoke none of them. There would be no censure of Beth for her choice to withhold. It would have to be enough that Beth had finally chosen to confide her loss. Nicole’s eyes were drawn to the cross that hung around Beth’s neck. There had never been a day that Beth had not worn the cross her grandmother gave her. “I’m sorry.”

Beth spoke simply. “I loved her. She loved me. And now she’s gone.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

Beth’s voice carried her fragility. “Read me another poem.”

Nicole complied. They would mourn their individual losses together.

~~~

Bracing

~~~

It was two days before Beth returned to the loft.

Miguel stood in front of Nicole’s desk. “You have to eat.”

Beth approached. “Hi.”

Miguel demanded of Beth. “Tell her to eat.”

Nicole retorted. “I am not Beth’s Cocker Spaniel.”

Miguel corrected. “More like a Doberman.”

Beth added brightly. “How about a Black Lab.”

Miguel shook his head. “No. They have longer hair.”

Nicole was not amused. “Bite me!”

Miguel feigned shock. “Nicki. Not in front of the priest.”

Nicole questioned Beth. “Have you had lunch?”

Beth was caught by the unexpected query. She justified. “It’s been a busy day.”

Nicole was triumphant. “Miguel there’s your gal. Beth, do we have a lunch for you!”

Beth demurred. “Will you share it with me.”

Miguel smiled. He knew he liked Beth for a reason. “You’re right Nicki. She’s my kind of gal.”

Nicole admitted defeat. “Fine! I’ll eat.”

“Bye girls.” Miguel strutted out of the loft.

The two women watched Miguel make his histrionic exit. Beth laughed a small laugh as she returned her attention to Nicole.

Nicole smiled. “Hi.”

“Hi again. You’re a bit cranky.”

“My PT came over this morning.”

“How did it go?”

Nicole looked down to her legs and tapped both wheelchair arms with her hands. “Still here.”

Beth’s heart broke. “Nicki.”

“I wanted to work longer. I’m not going to walk if I’m sitting in this chair all of the time.”

Beth was pleased to learn the source of Nicole’s frustration wasn’t that she didn’t want to work but that she did. Beth nodded over to the lunch tray. “You need to get your strength back.”

Nicole knew better than to renew the argument. She offered. “Soup or sandwich?”

“I’ll take half the sandwich.”

“There’s mineral water in the frig.”

Beth went to the kitchen and retrieved two lime-flavored bottles of mineral water. She returned and held them up. “No glass?”

“Nope. I’m in a butch mood.” Nicole’s wry sense of humor was rising at full force.

Beth pulled a chair over to the tray. She had begun to feel quite comfortable in Nicole’s space.

They lunched and spoke lightly. Beth shared what she could of her day, always taking care not to break confidentiality. Fortunately the church, like any organization populated with humanity’s own, gave her plenty of material to entertain Nicole. In turn, Nicole enjoyed being taken away from her world if only for a little while. She also confirmed that organizational dysfunction was alive and well in the religious community.

Nicole yawned.

Beth observed. “You’re tired.”

Nicole reasoned with some satisfaction as a second yawn overtook her. “Morning workout, good food, good company.”

“I can help you get into bed.”

Nicole was terse. “I can do it myself.”

Beth maintained a calm presence. “I didn’t say you couldn’t.”

“Can’t stop being the priest can you?”

Beth reached up and removed her collar. She held Nicole firmly in her gaze as she did so. Her voice did not waiver. “I’ll help you get into bed.”

“I….” Nicole could not finish the thought. She couldn’t tell Beth she loved her though in that moment she knew she did. She loved the young, strong, combative, compassionate cleric.

Beth challenged. “You what?”

“I could use your help.” Nicole unlocked her chair and made her way to her bed.

Beth stood up and followed. “Tell me what to do?”

“Just steady me when I stand up. I can do the rest.”

“Okay.”

Nicole locked her chair and managed to raise herself to her feet. Beth stood before her, taking her by the waist. Nicole placed her hands on Beth’s shoulder for support. She looked down at the beautiful woman. Beth was determined in her task. The softness of her had momentarily fleeted from her countenance.

Nicole instructed. “Take a step back, Beth. I’ll walk with you.”

Beth held Nicole with her eyes and nodded. She took a small step back.

Nicole stepped with her. “One more.”

Again they stepped in unison. This gave Nicole enough distance from the wheelchair to turn and sit upon her bed. Beth moved with her, bending down, bracing Nicole.

“If you could help lift my legs?”

Beth did so, as Nicole slid herself against the bed backboard. Beth reached over for the comforter and covered Nicole.

Nicole’s gratitude was sincere. “Thank you.”

Beth’s demeanor eased. “Anything else?”

“I’m rereading The Odyssey. It’s on my desk.”

Beth secured the volume and placed it in Nicole’s extended hand. “Wiesel, now Homer. You don’t go for light reading.”

“Never got enough of the classics in college.”

“Why the classics?”

“Why the Bible, Beth? To find myself and make sense of the world. Personally, reading Homer makes more sense to me than reading the latest Harvard Business Review.”

“I’ve noticed you read those too.”

“Got ta make a living, ya know.”

“I know.” Beth padded the bedcovers. “Rest.”

Nicole spoke shyly and betrayed her false stoicism as she did. “You know you’re welcomed here anytime.”

Beth understood. “Tomorrow too soon?”

“Not at all.”

“I probably won’t be free until late afternoon.”

“Miguel ‘ll serve high tea.”

Beth stepped away amused with the idea.

Nicole called out. “Beth.”

The young woman paused.

“I’m getting use to seeing you without your collar.”

Beth cocked her head taking in the remark. “Good, cause you know I wasn’t born with it on.”

Nicole blushed. Her mind had flashed to a naked Beth and the image seemed at that moment terribly sacrilegious.

~~~

A walk to the church

~~~

The early dusk of the winter evening and the lull of city activity were soothing. Nicole took each step with a blend of determination and gratitude. Each step made her feel triumphant and yet humble. She was getting better, stronger. Each step was proof. She kept walking lost in this simplest of tasks. She looked up to the silhouette cut by St. Ann’s. The church had taken on a meaning that she could not easily articulate. The edifice was so much more to her. The church was animated by the people it housed, by the people who sought help from it, by the people who worshipped in it. But above all else St. Ann’s and Beth were inseparable.

She studied her watch. Beth might still be working. Nicole felt ready, confident that she would be whole again. It was time to share the extent of her progress with Beth. For weeks Nicole had hidden her renewed abilities from Beth. Beth had never observed Nicole’s efforts on the parallel bars, or her efforts to walk up and down the Elysian Fields’ stairs, or her first step out onto the street. Nicole, with the help of the Musketeers, kept the secret. For a moment Nicole imagined Beth’s expression in seeing her friend standing before her, hearing Nicole simply state she walked over “just to see say hello.” As if the feat was nothing out of the ordinary. The feat once again having become ordinary.

Nicole entered through the main entrance of the basilica. Instead of shunning the sanctuary she welcomed its ambiance. Walking up through the nave would give her the time she needed to transition from her world to Beth’s. She opened the large wooden door with care. It seemed disrespectful to make more noise than necessary. She passed through into the space. Her cane finding easy footing upon the marble floor. The interior doors at the right were propped open. She chose the route that required no struggle with heavy wood panels hanging on iron hinges. Entering the ambulatory she walked eagerly, joyfully though the effort had renewed her fatigue. For a moment she chose to pause and consider the space. She had missed it. It was then that she heard the sound, a muted sob. She looked ahead. A figure was kneeling before the altar. Nicole continued to walk slowly forward. With each step she was able to see the figure with greater clarity. When she neared half the distance to the altar she confirmed a growing apprehension. It was indeed Beth. Nicole stepped to the side, behind a pillar, away from sight. She felt an intruder. Beth seemed small and vulnerable without the vestments of the priesthood. Her posture was markedly different from that of a priest. She did not stand in authority but was hunched over in defeat more than in humility. Nicole felt she was witness to a truth that was not meant to be shared, not with her, not with anyone.

The sound disturbed the sanctuary’s silence once again. Nicole watched as Beth’s frame buckled completely to the floor. The sound multiplied and magnified, echoing within the walls that more commonly serve to raise up the voices of a choir, the music of an organ and the words of praise of a celebrant. Beth’s cries were full bodied. Nicole took a step towards the priest but then, once again hesitated. Before her were the remnants of a broken spirit and she felt at a loss as to what to do. This was not the time for a proud entrance. She countered her first instinct and stepped back again into the shadows. Holding her cane with both her hands she struggled to maintain her balance. Weary, she looked about seeking a niche to rest in, a means to gather her strength. There was no ready outlet so she leaned against the wall and waited. Within her she parlayed a steady dialogue, a debate trying to define the right and the wrong of her paralysis. As the minutes passed she resolved to do nothing. The second-hand of her watch traveled in circles ticking away the time. It was a good half-hour before Beth raised herself up, wiping her face with her sleeve. She sat back on her heals and looked up to what was to her a forbearing image of the Christ. Taking a deep and heavy breath she cleared the remaining sorrow that had been pressing against her breast. She stood up holding her gaze upon the cross. After the passing of a half dozen heartbeats she bowed and made her way across the transept towards her apartment while holding a crushed envelop firmly in her fist.

~~~

The morning visit

~~~

Nicole walked down the corridor. With the hectic activity of people moving past her she concentrated on each step. She dreaded the possibility of losing her balance and falling. She had done it often enough. This was not the time for a failure no matter how minor it may be weighed against the difficulties that enter the church each and every day. She heard a familiar voice. Looking up from the floor, which had garnered her attention with its patterns of paint chips, her eyes caught hold of Beth walking down the hall with Blair, St. Ann’s religious education director. They were both intent in their conversation. Blair indifferent to her surroundings shifted to her right moving in front of Beth in order to pass by Nicole. Nicole turned her body in unison with Beth’s advance. The motion was quick and taxed her ability to keep her body and mind in synch. Thus she was struck dumb. It was then that Beth looked up, the momentum of her step taking her forward as her gaze met and held to Nicole’s. Beth stopped and turned. Her eyes traveled down to Nicole’s unbraced legs and then back up to the bright blue eyes that claimed her regard. A smile slowly formed as she took in the meaning of Nicole’s presence. She had no words that would do justice to her feelings. She moved forward and took Nicole into her embrace. Nicole bent down and carefully surrendered herself leaning upon Beth for support. Beth felt Nicole’s physical release and increased the firmness of her hold, tactile assurance of her support. Beth breathed in Nicole’s musk scent. It suited the tall woman. It drew Beth further into the other’s world. The young priest whispered into Nicole’s ear, “You’ve done it.”

Nicole could not have imagined a greater reward for her tireless effort. “I wanted to surprise you.”

As much as Beth did not want to release Nicole she knew she must. She did so carefully, taking a step back her hands still holding Nicole’s arms to ensure balance.

“It’s a beautiful day for a walk.”

Beth spoke softly, “Nicki.”

Nicole looked about. “You look busy.”

Beth turned to Blair who had watched the women with interest. Beth returned her attention to Nicole. “Yes, I’m on my way to a meeting at the dioceses.”

“You better go.”

“We need to celebrate.”

Hopeful, Nicole offered a proposition. “You could come to The Garden for dinner.”

“That sounds wonderful but I have a couple appointments already scheduled. How about tea? I can drop by around eight.”

“I’d like that.”

Beth lingered. She didn’t want the world, her world without Nicole to go on. This moment as too perfect, too complete to let go of easily.

Blair called out, “Beth, we’ll be late.”

Beth gently pressed Nicole’s arms, a signal of her forthcoming release. Wordlessly she lifted her hands, stepped back and turned toward Blair. Nicole felt the loss. She took hold of her cane leaning upon it for much needed stability.

Blair waited until Beth was at her side. “Who do you think she’ll be now that she’s healthy?”

Beth responded with aplomb, “The woman she’s always been.”

Blair was not impressed. “And that is?”

Nicole watched the two women until they were out of sight. She decided to complete an intended task. She made her way to Beth’s office. Upon reaching Beth’s desk, Nicole removed her backpack. From it she retrieved a golden hair Teddy bear and a card. She placed the Teddy bear prominently at the center of Beth’s computer keyboard. The card was propped beside it. It read:

Beth—

This little fella gives great hugs. Thought you might give him a home.

Nicki

~~~

Page

~~~

Beth dressed casually in jeans, cream sweater and leather jacket entered The Pub. Connor waved a welcome and called out that Nicole was in The Garden. Beth smiled and made her way to the stairs. Finding the ‘little fella’ in her office had been a wonderful surprise. She didn’t know why Nicole had thought of the gift. She did know that she found herself holding the ‘little fella’ for quite some time. Its face could have been described as somewhat sad and yet it brought a smile to her and those who happen to see it during the course of the day. When she could no longer delay her work she gave the gift a place of honor where she could see it by simply raising her eyes, which she found herself doing time and time again.

A woman’s voice called out. “What’s a priest without a collar?”

Beth paused and turned toward the speaker. It was the woman she had seen with Nicole. “Excuse me?”

Page stepped forward within an arm’s length of Beth. “Just asking a question Father. What’s a priest without a collar?”

It was obvious to Beth that the woman had been drinking. “You’re a friend of Nicki’s.”

Page spoke with bitter sarcasm “Friend? I don’t think so. The word I would use is whore. But who needs a whore when she’s got a priest. Ain’t that right, Father?”

Beth was determined to be patient. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You must be very good. In giving comfort, I mean. Nicki’s back on her feet and all. You know I thought she threw me out of her bed because of the tumor. And then I thought it was because she was crippled. But then it hit me.” Page slapped herself on the side of the head. Not too lightly. “It was the day we ran into you on the street. That was the last time she touched me. Now I know it’s always been about sex but damn it was good sex.” Page emphasized each of the following three words. “Real…good…sex! But I don’t need to tell you that do I Father? Hell, you probably got her off her feet all over again.”

“Page!” Connor had come from the back of the bar. He feared the damage Page’s stiletto tongue was all too capable of cutting.

Page waved Connor away. “Connor, you’re interrupting.”

Connor insisted. “Go home Page.”

“You don’t have to protect the Father. She’s a big girl. She knows how to take care of herself…and Nicki. Right Father?”

Beth maintained an impassive expression. Page did not take it well. “Don’t look at me that way. You’re no better than I am.” Page’s taunts solicited no response. “Say something bitch!”

Connor had enough. “That’s it Page. You’re out of here.” He took Page by the arm.

Page flung her arm free. “Don’t touch me! A whore has got some dignity.”

Beth quietly pleaded. “Connor. Don’t.”

Connor counseled. “Don’t let her mess with you.”

Beth assured. “She’s not.” Looking directly at Page, Beth excused herself. “Nicki is expecting me.”

Page was taken aback by Beth’s intensity. Beth was a few feet from her by the time she recovered. “Yeah, go to her Father.”

Connor demanded of Page. “Why did you do that for?”

Page confessed. “She’s happy Connor. I’ve never seen Nicki happy before.”

Beth paused at the top of the stairs. She was trembling. ‘What is a priest without a collar?’ The taunt was familiar. It had haunted her dreams. Page had reached in and given voice to Beth’s unspoken fear. No one could have known Beth’s heart. How could a stranger come forward and challenge Beth’s very self with such precision? ‘What is a priest without a collar?’ Beth took a deep breath. She spoke to calm herself. “Hold on. Just hold on.”

Peter was busing tables. “Hello, Reverend.”

“Hi Peter.”

“She’s over there.” Peter pointed to an atrium table with the best view of the Chicago skyline.

“Thank you.”

With each step she took Beth felt she was entering a world that was calling her with a greater passion than the world she left behind outside of the Elysian Fields. With each step she gathered her strength and her resolve.

Nicole had been keeping a steady watch on The Garden’s entrance. She saw Beth enter. The immediate sighting gave her enough time to use her cane to stand and steady herself.

Beth stopped a couple of paces from Nicole. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

“You didn’t have to get up for me.”

Nicole smiled. “Oh yes I did. What kind of host would I be if I didn’t?”

Beth stood silent. Nicole’s felt there was reason to be concerned. “Is there something wrong?”

Beth took her seat. Nicole disappointed by a lack of embrace did the same.

Beth would have preferred not to mention Page but she feared Nicole might learn of their exchange from Connor. “I just had a few words with Page.”

Nicole leaned back. She had tried to carefully end her liaison with Page. She hoped her illness would provide the necessary rational to temper the rejection. Page had sulked. She had boasted that Nicole would come back to her. Page reckoned Nicole’s insatiable libido would ultimately bring her back begging for release. Nicole knew she was running out of time. Page’s eruption came sooner than expected. “I hope she wasn’t too tough on you. She can be toxic.”

“She’s jealous.”

Nicole didn’t know how to maneuver the space between her and Beth. She saw land mines everywhere. “It has nothing to do with you.”

“What is ‘it’?” Beth’s intensity was hard for Nicole to bear.

Nicole attempted to dismiss the concern. “I’m not seeing her anymore.”

Beth was persistent. “You were lovers?”

Nicole was candid. “No, that would be too generous of a description.”

“What is…was she too you?”

Nicole saw no reason to temper her answer. “Sex.”

Beth spoke with an edge. “And you don’t want sex anymore?”

Nicole pleaded. “Beth, do we have to have this conversation?”

Beth’s anger broke through. “I just want to know why I’ve been accused.”

“We have never spoken of our lovers. I don’t know why we have to start now.”

“Maybe I didn’t have anything to tell.”

“And maybe as far as I was concern I didn’t either.”

Beth sighed. “Things have changed.”

Nicole was struggling. “Because of Page?”

“Assumptions are being made.”

Nicole’s confusion was replaced by a painful clarity, one she had no patience for. “To hell with assumptions.”

“You may be able to afford your reputation, but that doesn’t mean I can.”

Nicole expected better from Beth. “It isn’t a reputation we’re talking about. We’re talking about my life. Do you care that much about what other people think?”

“Nicki, I’m a priest.”

Nicole was absolute. “I’m sorry, I thought you took the collar off when you became my friend.”

Beth placed her hands flat on the table. She looked down. To Nicole, Beth could have very well been praying at an altar. Beth was feeling the tear of her fabric. It had been gradually happening to her. As hard as she tried she couldn’t stop it. She knew she and Nicole stood on the edge of a precipice. She didn’t want either of them to fall. She wanted to reach out for Nicole’s hand. She wanted the friendship, the companionship and she knew her next words might shatter all possibility between them. She moved her hands together, holding them before her. Her eyes focused on nothing else. She finally looked up to Nicole’s intent gaze.

“Page said some things. I guess she shook me up more than I thought.”

Nicole eased. “What things?”

Beth leaned back. “It doesn’t matter. She got what she wanted didn’t she?”

Nicole refused to admit defeat. “What was that?”

Beth whispered fearfully. “To put a wedge between us.”

Nicole assured with a smile, taking control from Page’s shadow. “Only if we let her.”

Beth tried to sweep her pain aside. “I’m being foolish aren’t I?”

Nicole needed to acknowledge her friend’s distress. “I’m sorry she hurt you.”

An image came to mind. Beth smiled. “That’s okay. I’ve got a ‘little fella’ that gives great hugs.”

With a sense of relief Nicole mirrored Beth’s smile. In that moment she envied the ‘little fella’ more than she could say.

~~~

Uncelebrated

~~~

Beth stood at The Garden entrance. A series of signals were clandestinely made from Gil to Peter to Miguel who was creating omelets on demand at the brunch table.

Miguel waved Peter over. “Make sure the omelet doesn’t burn. I’ll be right back.”

Peter protested. “I don’t cook!”

“You’ve just been promoted.” Amused by Peter’s youthful panic Miguel went to meet Beth. He joyfully greeted the radiant young woman. “Feliz Navidad!”

She hugged Miguel. “Merry Christmas.”

Miguel spoke wryly. “Reverend, what will people think? You could ruin my reputation.”

“Miguel, I don’t think that’s possible.” Beth looked about.

Miguel answered the unspoken question. “She’s not down yet. Go on up.”

Beth knocked on the open loft door. “Nicki?”

Nicole called out from behind the bedroom screens. “Beth, come on in. I’ll be ready in a minute.”

In her many visits to the loft, Beth had never had the opportunity to linger freely without observation. She had always wanted to explore Nicole’s library of books. She gravitated toward the living room shelves. The books were arranged by subject: Ancient Greek and Roman History, Greek Philosophy, Modern Philosophy, Mythology, Judaica, Christian History, Biblical Studies, World Religions, and Archeology. On the wall hung Nicole’s diplomas, a bachelor in Classical Humanities, another in Philosophy and a third, her MBA. Beth knew Nicole’s formal education went beyond business courses what she hadn’t realized was that Nicole had earned two undergraduate degrees in the humanities. She always assumed Nicole had gotten a bachelor degree in business, which logically led to her Masters.

It was impossible given her reliance on her cane for Nicole to approach without announcing herself. Beth turned and watched the other’s cautious gait. Beth’s heart stirred at the vision of Nicole. “Hi.”

“Hi.” Nicole felt breathless at the sight of Beth. “Santa came early and left a package for you on my desk.”

“Nicki, I thought you said you didn’t celebrate Christmas?”

“I don’t. It’s from the Three Musketeers.”

Beth walked pass Nicole but not without touching her arm as she did. Upon the desk lay a small box and a sealed card. Beth opened the card first.

Beth—

When Nicki’s happy we’re happy.

We’ve been very happy since you

came into her life.

Merry Christmas.

With love,

Miguel, Connor, Tony

Each of the men had individually signed their name. Beth studied the individual signatures; Miguel’s flowing strokes; Connor’s matter of fact letter that neared print and Tony’s ‘T’ followed with a straight line with a sharp downward stroke for the ‘y’.

Nicole watched intently. She had no idea of what the card said nor what gift awaited Beth in the small box.

Beth took a deep breath. Though she had gradually grown to appreciate their presence in the Elysian Fields, always welcoming and sometimes protective of her, she never expected this from the Musketeers. Beth took the present in hand and carefully untied the ribbon and wrapping revealing a black felt jewelry box. She took another deep breath before opening it. Awaiting her were two diamond stud earrings. They left her speechless.

Nicole waited patiently. She knew in Beth’s silence that the woman had been deeply touched. Nicole went to Beth and peered over her shoulder. Nicole smiled upon seeing the earrings. The Musketeers did good.

“I don’t know what to say.”

“I’m sure you’ll think of something.”

“I’d like to wear them.”

Nicole approved. “That will make the boys happy.”

Beth looked up at Nicole. Nicole felt Beth’s intensity. “What?”

“It’s just that I’m very happy.”

“And that’s good, isn’t it? How about brunch?”

They entered The Garden and made their way towards Nicole’s reserved table. Miguel met them as they were about to be seated. He pointed up to the ceiling. “Mistletoe, can’t let it go to waste.”

Beth leaned up to him and kissed him on the cheek. “Thank you.”

Miguel objected. “Hey! Hey! Hey! What did I tell you about my reputation! I didn’t mean you were supposed to kiss me. I’m going back to my omelets. You two figure it out.”

Nicole glared at Miguel. Beth smiled sheepishly. She didn’t wait for Nicole to cast a rebuttal. She stepped up to Nicole and kissed her lightly on the lips. “Happy Holidays.”

Nicole made a mental note to increase Miguel’s Christmas bonus.

~~~

Elizabeth

~~~

Beth left Chicago mid-morning Christmas day. She had celebrated the 4:00 p.m. Christmas Eve service and midnight mass. David was scheduled to celebrate the Christmas day services. She drove the sparse snow covered landscape feeling very much a part of its desolation. She did not want to go home. She would have preferred to have stayed in the neighborhood. The warmth and joy of the previous day was slipping away from her. It was late in the afternoon when she arrived at her father’s house in the heart of Riverton. Though she had a key she chose to ring the doorbell and wait for admittance.

Frederick Kelly opened the door to his daughter. “Elizabeth.”

To Beth her father was a constant figure. I tall, slender, severe man with blond hair like her own, his body had a dried and lifeless appearance. “Father, how are you?” Beth entered as her father stepped back.

Frederick considered his daughter “You wouldn’t know would you?”

Beth regretted the truth of his words. “I’m sorry.” They both paid a price for their strained relationship.

“It’s all right. You are doing God’s work and that is all that matters.”

Beth hated the dismissal of their estrangement. “That isn’t all the matters.”

Frederick closed the door and gave all his attention to delivering what to him was a righteous reprimand. “You are wrong young lady. There is nothing more important than God.”

Beth kept her day bag on her shoulder. “Father, I want to talk to you about you’re last letter.”

“It’s Christmas. Must we go directly to our unpleasantries? I said all that needed to be said.”

Beth tried to apologize. “I was wrong to tell you so soon after grandmother’s death.”

His anger rose. “Leave your grandmother out of this.” Frederick spoke with a low pitch harshness. “You want to leave the priesthood when you have only just begun. How can you expect me to give you my blessing?”

Beth shifted her weight. “I have my reasons for leaving.”

“Is your love for God any less?”

“No.”

“Has your call to ministry changed?”

“No Father.”

Frederick moved to the living room. “Then tell me your reasons.”

Beth followed. “I don’t agree with the church.”

“You don’t agree with the church. Who are you to disagree?”

Beth tempted to appease. “Someday I may become a minister in another church. One with a more liberal view.”

Frederick was unrelenting. “You don’t shop for a faith as you do for a new pair of shoes. You take what God gives you.”

“That’s what I am trying to do.” Beth’s voice was nothing more than a defeated hush.

To the extent Beth’s voice fell Frederick’s rose. “You still haven’t told me why. What is so important that you would throw away your priesthood?”

Beth looked to the fireplace mantle. The familiar family photographs held court: her father with her mother on their wedding day, her grandmother, even one of herself as a young child with her sister Marie. She stood silent.

“Elizabeth. Think long and hard. Make sure you understand all the consequences. There won’t be any going back.”

“Yes, Father.”

“Now, why don’t you wash up. We have dinner reservations at the Inn.”

Beth turned her gaze to her father. She walked pass him toward the front stairs, sensing no human warmth from him as she did. She so wanted to be deserving of his love. Placing her hand on the banister she considered the door. Taking her leave promised a life free of the suffocating press of her father’s commands. She told herself he was her father. Nothing would ever change that. She looked up toward her childhood room. Making her decision, loathing herself for it, she took each of the stairs lifting a weight far greater than her youthful heart could bear.

Sitting upon her bed Beth delayed reentrance into her father’s world. She remembered her grandmother’s telling bitter self-recriminations for her son’s misplaced piety. Beth’s grandmother never understood Frederick. She had made allowances until she realized the damage he was inflicting upon her two grandchildren. She had tried to temper the barren world of the young girls. Beth had spent the greater portion of her childhood at her grandmother’s house, in her grandmother’s embrace. How Beth missed her. Her grandmother was the only mature love she and Marie could remember, their mother’s memory having become too faint to comfort yet salient enough to grieve.

Her thoughts drifted to Marie. She missed her younger sister. Marie left Riverton right after high school and refused to return. Not even her grandmother’s funeral was sufficient cause to bring her back. Marie could not forgive her father for his part in their loveless childhood. Nor could Marie understand Beth’s religious vocation. It smacked too close to their father.

Beth hoped Marie would one day meet Nicole. Both Marie and Nicole judged that life had betrayal them by promising what they deemed to be in reality a false god. And yet, unlike Marie, Nicole was able to conceive of the divine in life. Beth wished she could somehow give her sister the same confidence Nicole demonstrated in fashioning a faith of her own.

Frederick called up to her daughter. Beth looked out her window. She wished it were snowing. Somehow it would be easier if she could take a walk in the falling snow.

~~~

New Years Eve

~~~

It was a frigid New Years Eve. St. Ann’s hosted an alternative celebration sans alcohol, nothing stronger than a hot, spicy, apple cider was served. Neighborhood families, elders, free lancing adults and displaced children made the tradition a lively event. Beth had invited Nicole to St. Ann’s. Nicole promised to make an appearance near, if not at the strike of midnight. Her own friends were gathering at the Elysian Fields.

Nicole held court in a large circular booth in The Pub. The Three Musketeers were all working to keep the Fields running smoothly, in this their busiest night of the year. The Fields offered patron everything they might want. Excellent dining in The Garden, a robust pub atmosphere to enjoy conversation and the Elysian Fields itself to dance to hard throbbing music with an occasional slow romantic interlude.

There had just been a mass exodus of Nicole’s party to the Elysian Fields dance floor. Nicole and Kate remained.

Kate brushed back her short auburn hair and leaned back into the booth. “The night is young and I can’t believe I’m ready for bed.”

Nicole looked up to one of The Pub’s antique timepieces. “Midnight isn’t that far off.”

Turning the subject to her latest conquest Kate asked. “So what do you think of Jeri?”

“Seems nice enough. Are you serious?”

“Who knows. Every time I think I’m close there comes a full moon and some nasty transformation.”

“That could be interesting.”

“I’ve had enough ‘interesting’ women in my life, thank you.” Kate reached over and placed her hand on Nicole’s arm. “I’ve heard Page is no longer welcomed.”

“I figured it was about time I take your advice.”

“I don’t think so. You’ve always taken pride in doing the opposite of what I counsel.”

“Only in terms of women. Not your legal advice.”

“How’s Beth?”

“Good. The church has a New Years Eve shindig going on.”

“So I won’t be meeting her tonight?”

“Nope. Anyway, I don’t think it would be a good idea for her to be here. Appearances ya know. I told her I might drop by St. Ann’s for a while.”

“It’s almost midnight.”

“Didn’t I just say that?”

“Why are you here?”

“Beth understands I have friends.”

Kate was insistent. “I’m not talking about what Beth wants. Where would you rather be, here or at St. Ann’s?”

“Kate, she’s a friend.”

“And I’m a friend. What friend would you rather be with? And don’t worry about hurting my feelings.”

“I’m playing with fire.”

“Nicki, I know you. You’re not playing. This is the real thing for you isn’t it?”

Nicole shook her head. “I can’t have her, Kate. No matter how much I love her she’s beyond my reach. But the crazy part about it is that I don’t care. There is something between us. Or at least something I feel that I can’t shirk aside. Right now I don’t need more than Beth. Someday someone else will come into my life and into my bed. I’m sure with time I’ll let go of the impossible. But I can’t deny that the impossible made me want to walk, it made Christmas Eve the best I’ve ever had, and it’s making me impatient to get the hell out of here.”

“Go on. I’ll let the gang know that you’ll be coming back after midnight.”

“Thanks.” Nicole made her way out of the booth.

Kate wondered what it was about the young priest that had taken Nicole in so completely. Though she hadn’t met Beth she knew from the Musketeers that the young woman garnered their genuine respect and affection. Kate felt that the two women faced a perilous future. “Nicki, I wish it could be different.”

“It’s more than a lot of people have ever come close to.”

Kate didn’t doubt it.

Nicole walked down the church stairs to the gathering room. There was a very good turnout. Congregants and guests were drinking coffee, cider and soft drinks, and eating a potluck buffet of snacks and desserts. Beth was at the far end of the room talking to a couple of teenage girls. Nicole stood back and enjoyed watching Beth in her world.

“Don’t you have a bar to be at?” Mrs. Stephens spoke unkindly.

Nicole turned to the elder who through the years had become positioned as one of St. Ann’s conservative matriarchs. Nicole never considered a woman like Mrs. Stephens worth the effort of engagement. She knew the woman had a particular distaste for the Elysian Fields and no argument from civil rights to Christian charity, would win her over to toleration let alone acceptance. Nicole chose to minimize their encounter. “Good evening Mrs. Stephens.”

“I would think a church gathering like this would be too pious for your kind.”

“My kind?”

Mrs. Stephens was in quest for an argument. “A number of us in the church have expressed our concern that Reverend Kelly has been seen in your establishment on a regular basis.”

Nicole was unapologetic. “I consider the Reverend a friend.”

Mrs. Stephens turned her gaze toward Beth. “A woman in her position should be careful of whom she calls a friend.”

Nicole maintained her gaze upon the elder. “As careful as Jesus was with the prostitutes and tax collectors of his time?”

Mrs. Stephens snapped her head back to her adversary. “Don’t be smart with me young lady. We are Episcopalians and the Lambeth Conference renewed our position that lesbians and gays are incompatible with scripture.”

“Is that a direct quote?”

“Yes, as a matter of fact it is.”

“How about ‘love your neighbor as yourself’? Do you know that quote?”

Beth had caught glimpse of Mrs. Stephens with Nicole. She excused herself and moved quickly, hoping to intercept any verbal missiles. “Nicki, I’m glad you made it.”

Ignoring Nicole’s last comment, Mrs. Stephens turned to Beth with clear intentions. “Reverend, I was just informing Ms. Thera of the Lambeth Conference resolution regarding lesbians and gays.” Mrs. Stephens returned her attention to Nicole. “We of course are not without our mercy. We teach to love the sinner and not the sin.”

Nicole echoed in a low controlled voice. “Sinner?”

“Yes, as Christians we realize that only a few of you have the necessary discipline to control your aberrant behavior. There is no reason to condemn you for your weakness.”

Nicole looked over to Beth. Mrs. Stephens followed suit. She relished posing her question to Beth. “Reverend, isn’t this the teaching of our church?”

Nicole waited for a response.

Beth was at a complete loss. She struggled to find the right words to mitigate the damage. “Mrs. Stephens, many American Bishops disagreed with the resolution. We have gay and lesbian congregants and the church will ordain gay and lesbian priests.”

Mrs. Stephens clarified. “Only if they are celibate. Isn’t that true?”

“Yes.”

“So as a Episcopalian priest you uphold our teachings that lesbian and gay behavior is wrong, don’t you?”

Beth looked from the elder to Nicole.

Mrs. Stephens pressed. “Reverend?”

Beth’s voice begged forgiveness. “Nicki, I’m sorry.”

Mrs. Stephens made no effort to hide her triumphant smile. Nicole stared at Beth in complete disbelief. It was one thing that Beth could never love her. It was another for Beth to see her in the same terms as that of the church. Nicole didn’t trust herself. Her rage had overtaken her every nerve. She stepped back, turned and began to make her way out of the church basement.

Beth was in shock. In a matter of moments she allowed the most precious thing in her life to be torn away from her. Mrs. Stephens was speaking to her but Beth could no longer hear her. Beth regained sufficient mindfulness to make her way toward Nicole. She called out to her as Nicole was at the church door exit. “Nicki, please don’t go.”

Nicole turned as Beth reached her. Nicole raised her arm pointing back to where they had come from. “Is that what you think of me? How you see me?”

“Please don’t.”

“Damn it! How can you even stand being with me? The sinner! The aberrant!”

“Nicki, don’t.”

“Don’t lie to me. Don’t lie to yourself.”

“You knew when you met me. I didn’t hide myself.”

“No, I didn’t know Beth. I really didn’t know. There are enough clergy through all the ranks that buck the system, that try to change the archaic positions of the church. Who aren’t ashamed to say that they believe lesbians and gays are God’s creation and that our love has God’s blessing.”

The church bells began to chime midnight. Nicole looked up reflexively. At the strike of the bell she hated the church. She hated the church’s unique ability to destroy souls. Beth trembled. She didn’t know what to do. She felt caught in a trap of her own making. Nicole returned her gaze to Beth. Beth’s despair was complete. Nicole took a step forward and then another. With her momentum she pushed Beth against the wall. Nicole’s two hands rested upon the wall above each of Beth’s shoulders, one holding her cane. Beth remained still. She could only take in Nicole’s steeled expression.

Nicole spoke harshly. “The ruse is over. You might as well know that I love you. I love you with all my heart and soul. And I am one of those poor bastards that can’t control my love, my lust for you.” Nicole took Beth’s lips with her own. The kiss was rough, demanding, it accused, it begged, it broke her heart.

Beth did not fight Nicole. She couldn’t. She felt she deserved whatever Nicole chose to do with her. As her body began to respond to the kiss Nicole broke away. “Now Beth you can hate me and we’ll both know I deserve it.”

Without another word Nicole violently turned away, pushed the church door open and made her way down the stairs and toward the Elysian Fields. Beth freely pinned to the wall turned her head and watched Nicole forsake her.

CONCLUSION

~~~

Explanations

~~~

Nicole stood outside the Elysian Fields. The New Year celebration was at full force. She couldn’t face the revelry. She walked to the back entrance and made her way up to the loft. Peter spied her as she traversed the second floor landing. He was surprised to see her. The word had quickly reached The Garden staff that Nicole had left to spend midnight with Beth at St. Ann’s. The young man called out her name as he jogged to her. Nicole waited for him.

“Nicki, is everything all right?’

Nicole kept her eyes diverted. “I don’t want anyone to know I’m back.”

“Sure. Is Beth okay?”

“Peter. Please don’t mention her name again.”

Peter was bewildered. He could not imagine what could have caused discord between the two women. Throughout the previous months he had enjoyed being one of the few to witness their blossoming relationship. “Nicki, I’m sorry.”

Nicole raised her eyes up to meet the young man’s compassionate gaze. There was nothing for her to say. “Goodnight Peter.”

There was nothing more he could say though he wished there were. “Goodnight Nicki.”

Peter told Miguel of Nicole’s homecoming only after they had closed the restaurant during the early morning hours of New Years Day. Miguel shared what little was known with Connor and Tony. They all waited for Nicole to mention Beth’s name. She did not. To their rue Beth was not to be seen at the Elysian Fields. A new silence with its own melancholy permeated the Fields.

Tony knocked at the open loft door as he entered. “Hey, you wanted to see me.”

Nicole was at her desk. “I’m leaving on Thursday. I’ll be gone until February 10th.”

“A month? Where to?”

“I have an assignment in New York.”

“Is that a good idea?”

“I just got a clean bill of health. I’m allowed to travel.”

Tony crossed his arms. To Nicole it was a familiar gesture of disapproval. “That isn’t what I mean.”

“Tony, I appreciate your concern. I need to get away. I need time and space away from here.”

Tony’s Italian charm was no where to be found. “But you’re not running away?”

“Maybe I am. But I’ll come home. I always do don’t I?”

“Nicki, what happened between you two?”

“Nothing I’m proud of.”

There was disdain in Tony’s voice. “So it was you?”

Nicole did not flinch. “Isn’t it always me?”

“That sucks. I miss her. We all do.”

Nicole understood that the loss of Beth was not only hers. “I know. With me gone maybe Miguel can convince her to come for lunch.”

Tony was absolute. “She won’t come back unless you’re here to come back to.”

For Beth’s sake Nicole attempted to contain the damage. “Tony, it was never like that. But you’re probably right, she won’t come back.”

“Nicki, whatever happened - would an apology help?”

“I can’t change who I am.”

“Is that what it will take?”

“Yes.”

Tony remained cool. “Anything else I need to know.”

Nicole could only admire Tony’s misdirected loyalties. “No, that’s it. I’ll touch base before I leave.”

Tony nodded, turned and left the loft having lost all hope for an imminent reconciliation.

Nicole looked down to her desk, her airline e-ticket confirmation in hand. She just had a conversation about Beth without mentioning Beth’s name. She rather that the reason for their break not be known. Though Nicole regretted the violence of her kiss there was a part of her that refused to embrace complete remorse for her actions. It was not that she felt justified. She felt there had been nothing between them that could have been more honest.

~~~

Musings

~~~

Nicole knew New York City well. A city complete in business consultants, as a Midwesterner she took great professional satisfaction to be called in on an assignment. The city calmed her in a way no other did. Lodging in an extended stay apartment on West 72nd Street she was walking distance to everything she might need. The subway ride to her Wall Street client gave her time to read and transition gently into the workday.

She found she was living at an easier pace than usual. On weekends she would not only sleep in but she would also nap in the afternoons, a luxury she rarely enjoyed living above the Elysian Fields. In the evenings she walked enjoying the city scenes as she continued to rebuild her stamina. There had been, to date, only a few extreme winter days of snow and biting winds. On those days she took equal pleasure having a simple dinner at a local restaurant and enjoying a quiet uninterrupted evening in her apartment.

She reflected upon the events of New Years Eve. She recalled having just admitted to Kate that she understood and accepted the limitations of her friendship with Beth. The image of Mrs. Stephens squaring off with the unsuspecting Beth was impossible to erase from her memory. Completely unprepared for the challenge, Beth didn’t know what hit her. Mrs. Stephens was giddy in her triumph. And Nicole knew that she had a part in giving Mrs. Stephens her victory. Beth’s words, “I’m sorry” were more a plea than a statement. It was a plea Nicole had chosen to ignore. Those two sincere words stayed with Nicole. So too Beth’s passivity which seemed to be indicative of a complete defeat.

Nicole had the propensity of losing herself in her emotions, which admittedly swung too easily to the negative extreme. She knew she needed to separate herself from Beth in order to regain her perspective. It was a familiar strategy, one she used with her mother. She would be going home the following morning and was glad for it. She felt ready. As hard as it would be she planned to keep her distance from St. Ann’s. Her confession and the kiss could not be swept aside. Her actions had consequences. She had stripped all nuance from her relationship with Beth. All along, as her feelings for Beth grew, the sole motivation for her silence was to maintain the bond she and Beth shared; a bond she believed truth had the power to destroy. A bond she was certain her truth had destroyed.

On this particular balmy winter evening Beth walked the city streets in thought. Beth needed to establish a space between herself and the church. She felt the insidious consequences of a betrayal. In her heart she felt her church had betrayed the message of Jesus and she in turn betrayed Nicole. It didn’t have to be. She knew she did not have to accept the mantle of the church. But she did. What she convinced herself was not too great a price to pay for her vocation became a price that in good conscious she could not ask of another.

For Beth the price had always been minimal. She had carried throughout her young life an aloneness that had never been bridged, even as she laid her head on her grandmother’s lap. The separation between the generations reminded her that she had a life to live that would take her beyond her father’s arid house.

She sought an affinity. The Christ, as she had been taught as a child, was her salvation, her hope, a companion to mitigate the loneliness that permeated her life. In college only a few of her childhood religious teachings survived scrutiny. The teachings that did survive were at the very heart of her faith. She believed in a first cause, a creator. She believed in the power of love and she continued to hold Jesus of Nazareth as the personification of the divine. Jesus was the bringer of a new world view that could be had if only humanity remembered his teachings and acted to realize them.

Beth remembered Nicole’s nutshell summarization of Christianity. Nicole’s assessment was close to Beth’s own beliefs. Where Nicole had rejected all, throwing the baby out with the bath water, Beth never lost sight of the innocence. She refused to live a life that was not centered by her faith. She fought dearly to save the faith that looked to a child born to teach humanity a better way.

Why couldn’t the faith expound by the church be as simple as the two great commandments? Not that it would be any less profound. In fact she believed doctrine and dogma ultimately derailed the best of the Christian faith. The arguments consumed the energies, muddied the focus across Christendom and between Christendom’s institutions and those of other world religions.

The neighborhood network continued to operate efficiently. Early in the New Year Beth learned of Nicole’s acceptance of a lucrative assignment in New York. The explanation for Nicole’s absence was countered by word of an exchange between Nicole and Mrs. Stephens. No one spoke of it more that Mrs. Stephens. She proudly shared how she stood up and protected the church from a corrupting influence, taking credit for driving Nicole out of the city if only for a short period of time. Except for a few like-minded congregants the majority of the church membership who knew Nicole regretted the confrontation. Nicole’s abrupt departure prevented quiet apologies to be offered in recompense.

David spoke to Beth regarding Mrs. Stephens’ account of the evening. Beth affirmed the accuracy of the telling. Beth recalled how quiet David had gotten. When he spoke again it was to remind her of the prophetic role of the clergy. Nothing else was said. It was Beth’s choice not to pursue the subject. She remained uncertain of what David would have had her do under the circumstances. She knew David would not tell here. It was for her to find her own way.

Standing at the street corner with a view of the Elysian Fields Beth replayed once again her last encounter with Nicole. Beth wondered whether anything but Nicole’s unbridled rage could have driven her to give voice to her feelings and to demand from Beth the still haunting kiss. Beth wondered if there was anyway their bond could survive Nicole’s raw truth.

~~~

Hesed

~~~

Nicole sat at her desk. Her chair turned toward the window she enjoyed watching the late February snow as it fell gently onto the city streets. The moment of peace was interrupted by the house extension.

“Good morning.”

“Nicki, it’s Connor. Jacob is here and he said you should bring your coat and come downstairs.”

“Did he say why?”

“No.” Connor paused. He spoke in a low voice. “Nicki, it’s not like Jacob to come here on a Sunday. Hell, it’s not like him to come,” Connor emphasized the next word. “in here at all.”

“I’ll be right down.”

Standing near The Pub entrance Jacob observed Nicole walk down the stairs with relative ease. He appreciated her returning strength. “You are walking well.”

Nicole smiled. “Pretty soon no cane. With the snow and ice it’s safer to have a third leg.”

Jacob offered his arm. “You can lean on me.”

“Where are we going?”

“Church.”

Nicole’s tone carried a reproach. “Jacob.”

Jacob was sanguine. “Reverend Kelly is going to preach on hesed.”

“So?”

“Nicole, that can only mean the Book of Ruth.”

Nicole continued to flex her resistance. “And…”

“Don’t take me for a fool. I have no doubt she will be speaking to you above all others and you must be present to hear.”

Nicole had a rising trepidation. “Jacob, what do you know?”

“Only what the whole neighborhood knows. You and Beth have not spoken to each other since New Years Eve.” Jacob solicited Connor’s corroboration. “Is that not right Connor?”

Connor hesitated. “Jacob, with all due respect I rather not go there.”

“No you wouldn’t would you?” Jacob directed his next comment to Nicole. “None of your friends are willing to speak up.”

Nicole admonished. “Jacob, please don’t interfere.”

“Can you discard love so easily. The love of a friend Nicole is no less precious than that of a lover. Give her a chance to apologize.”

Again, Nicole was wary. “What has she told you?”

“Nothing. But I do know David made the mistake of assuming your responsibility in this matter and Beth did not take it well.”

“Since when are you and David so close?”

“Nicole, the service is about to begin. If I, a Jew, am willing to go to that Christian conclave the least you could do is come with me for moral support.” Jacob waited but Nicole gave no indication of joining him. He waved his hand and said, “Come. Put on your coat.”

Nicole did not have the heart to argue with the gentle man. She proceeded to put on her coat. “What will Liza say?”

“That we have both done a mitzvah today. She will be proud to know I had you on my arm.”

The procession had begun by the time Nicole and Jacob entered the church. They stepped to the side, taking a seat near the rear. Nicole sat passively as the service progressed. She didn’t want to see Beth, the priest. It was too painful. Though she could chose not to open her eyes to Beth she couldn’t shut her ears. Beth’ voice was strong and authoritative. It carried the grace of her god.

Beth entered the pulpit. She looked out among the large congregation as she had done at the earlier service. There was no reason to expect to find Nicole. In the course of their friendship Nicole had not attended a service either she or David had led.

Beth looked down to the pages before her. She had never written a more personal homily and yet she knew that only one other person on this earth could hope to understand the nature, the depth of its meaning. It would need to be enough that she knew and that she found herself sharing covertly an intimate part of herself with the congregation.

*

Hesed is a key covenantal term of the Hebrew Bible. Hesed is more than the loyalty that one can expect when in covenant with another person—it is that additional element which both establishes and sustains a covenant. It is more than ordinary human loyalty; it imitates the divine initiative that comes without being deserved.

Verses 16 and 17 of the Book of Ruth are pure poetry. They, as a declaration of love, embody the Hebrew concept of an act of hesed. No where in the Hebrew Bible is their simplicity and power surpassed. Elimelech, Naomi’s husband and Mahlon and Chilion, Naomi’s sons and the husbands of Ruth and Orpah have died. Naomi directs her daughters-in-law to go back to their mother’s house, to find husbands and have children. Orpah does so. But Ruth asks of Naomi “Do not press me to leave you or to turn back from following you!” Ruth makes an explicit request to Naomi. Ruth asks Naomi to set aside all the arguments she has voiced, arguments located in her culture and to accept another possibility.

Ruth, who had been defined in relationship to men; finally breaks tradition and acts as an individual, as a force in her own right. Pressed to separate from Naomi she acts first physically and then in voice. She clings to Naomi. She speaks and in her speech clearly demonstrates an understanding of the meaning of her action. “Where you go, I will go; where you lodge, I will lodge; your people shall be my people, and your god my God.” The Anchor Bible translation is somewhat different than our Bible of reference. In the Anchor Bible the verse is translated as “Your people become my people; Your God is now my God.” The latter translation gives a stronger sense of conversion from Ruth’s Moabite tradition to Naomi’s Hebrew tradition. The words “become” and “is now” provide a sense of motion, of movement from one idea to another. What is striking is that Ruth’s marriage to one of Naomi’s sons had been insufficient to elicit a conversion. Though Naomi used the term hesed in blessing her daughter-in-law for all the kindness she had demonstrated to her and the dead it did not include the acceptance of Yahweh. If it had Ruth’s declaration would have been unnecessary.

Ruth continues to press her desire to be with Naomi by invoking an oath. The oath is not to be taken lightly. Ruth speaks to a communal burial, “where you die I will die, and there will I be buried.” These words take the bond beyond the limitations of life unto the transcendent. The oath is completed with the invocation of Yahweh, “May the LORD do thus and so to me, and more as well, if even death parts me from you!”

The scripture states that “When Naomi saw that she (Ruth) was determined to go with her, she said no more to her.” The argument ceases in silence. Commentators differ in interpreting Naomi’s silence. Of all the interpretations the one I prefer is that Naomi’s silence should be taken as grateful acquiescence.

Ruth acts contrary to what is culturally established as her first concern, that being to find a husband and to have children. Ruth confesses her devotion. It is not motivated by marriage and familial obligation but by love. It is a love great enough to have her embrace not only Naomi but also Naomi’s god, Yahweh. As her name promises Ruth is the personification of a “companion,” one whose fidelity holds in both life and death. Later in the Book of Ruth, Ruth’s decision to accompany Naomi is framed as another act of hesed, as an imitation of the divine initiative. Though seen as such, it can be also be equally argued that hers was a profound act of human love.

The return of silence marks the end of this chapter of their lives. It marks closure to the question of who they are to one another now that there is no civil constructed bond - marriage - to hold them together. It is an ending made possible through mutual understanding. An understanding made possible by the exercise of voice and action, one not necessarily consistent with cultural expectations but one that is seen as right under the hand of Yahweh.

We all have the divine capacity to perform an act of hesed. The act may not be to give up one’s way of life or one’s God for another’s but it may encompass a reconsideration of the culture we live in. An act of hesed can seem quite ordinary - as ordinary as a kiss - and yet in retrospect we come to know the act as a profound gift.

Not only should we consider our capacity to perform an act of hesed but we should also be attentive when such an act is placed at our feet so that we don’t trample upon it. Not only did Ruth break free from convention but Naomi had to accept Ruth in that new light. We may feel compelled to hold to the past when in fact our truth has been reshaped and now carries a different face in the present.

We should consider the actor in the light of God even if they are determined to remain in the shadows. We must ourselves have the courage to step out of the shadows if that is where we suddenly find ourselves to be. An act of hesed has the power to alter both the giver and receiver.

There are those who must effuse their care and their gratitude and there is a place for such openness. However, an act of hesed is much quieter. It is realized in the living, in the being, in making the uncommon common. Imitating the divine initiative it comes without being deserved just as our first breath of life.

**

Beth’s words, phrases, complete thoughts, her inflection, her pauses — they all iterated in Nicole’s mind. Nicole’s heart stilled at mention of a kiss. How many women throughout the ages read the words of Ruth to Naomi and took solace that such words could be spoken between two women. Daughter-in-law to motherin-law - could anything less romantic be presented and yet the narrative falls away and it is simply one woman professing her love for the other. It is more than love, as Beth said. It is a gift undeserved. It is the imitation of the divine initiative. Nicole also considered Beth’s assertion that the return to silence was a grateful acquiesce. Was that the proffered solution?

The service continued. Jacob kept his tongue secure. Jacob admired the young priest as she celebrated the Eucharist. Her petite stature was formidable. Her faith radiated from her. It would have been too easy to gloat. Though he was in a jesting mood Nicole’s somber disposition prevailed.

The service ended. Nicole gave no indication of leaving. Jacob placed his hand on her knee. She raised her eyes to him.

Jacob praised. “She is quite the theologian, is she not Nicole?”

Nicole nodded.

“She has a heart. I felt it breaking as she spoke.”

Attempting to gather her errant thoughts Nicole looked away in thought.

Jacob gave her a little more time before suggesting they depart. “Are you ready to go?”

“Yes.”

Jacob rose. Nicole looked up to him. “Jacob please understand there is no Naomi or Ruth in our story.”

“Of course not. There is only Beth and Nicole. The question is what act of hesed have you placed before her that she fears she has trampled.” Jacob smiled. “Could it have been a kiss?”

“No Jacob. It wasn’t a kiss.”

“Too bad.”

“Jacob, even the mention of a kiss between us could destroy her vocation.”

“Nicole, you are starting to sound like Naomi — so certain of what is right for Ruth that you would drive her away when what she wants more than anything, even her own gods, is to be with you.”

Nicole stood up. “Jacob, we are not sitting outside The Fields debating ideas and beliefs for the sake of raising each other’s blood pressure. You are toying with Beth’s life.”

“That is not how I meant my words. I do not wish to harm her or you. You know I love you.”

Nicole smiled for the first time since entering the church. “I know. Just leave it to Sophia to dole out the wisdom.”

Jacob walked toward the main entrance where Beth stood greeting exiting congregants. Nicole walked a few paces behind him.

“Well young lady, I must say you did not disappoint my high expectations.”

Beth was pleasantly surprised. “Jacob, this is unexpected.”

“I just wanted to hear what the Christians have to say about our scripture.”

David approached. “Jacob, this is a rare treat.”

“David. You have a wise young associate. I hope you plan to keep her.”

“Wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Jacob smiled. “Did you notice the fem-in-ist interpretation she gave the scripture. It would make a Rabbi proud.”

David complained. “That’s a complement I’ve never elicited from you.”

Jacob ignored the mock hurt feelings. He professed, “We must bring God’s words to life not allow them to gather dust undisturbed.”

Nicole stepped forward. All three turned to her. David spoke first. “Nicki. This is quite a day!”

Nicole tried to diminish the import of her presence. “Jacob asked me to come along for moral support.”

David spoke in mock disappointment. “And here I thought Beth’s magnetism in the pulpit brought you in.”

Nicole turned her attention to the young priest. Nicole had no words.

Beth extended her hand. “It’s good to see you.”

Nicole took Beth’s hand with her own. Still, she had no words. She squeezed Beth’s hand and offered a smile. Jacob and David observed the exchange with equal interest. There were congregants waiting in line. Nicole held Beth’s eyes with her own for a moment longer than necessary before moving on.

David leaned over and whispered in Beth’s ear. “So, have you two resolved your differences?”

Beth responded in a hushed voice. “I don’t think we can.”

David winked. “That’s not the impression I’ve just gotten. Where’s your faith?”

Beth brooded. “That’s a good question.”

Jacob and Nicole made their way back to Jacob’s office. Jacob paused and looked up to the constant snowfall. “Nicole have you ever noticed that poets speak of rainfall as God’s tears but never a snowfall. And yet the only difference is the cold. Why is that?”

Nicole followed Jacob’s lead and looked up. “Jacob, I’ve never seen tears in the shape of a snowflake.”

“True. But I’m talking about God’s tears.”

When they reached Jacob’s office Miguel ran out of The Pub and across the street to them. He called out Nicole’s name. His voice and demeanor was unsettling.

“Miguel, what is it?”

“It’s Peter. He was jumped last night after closing. His mother just called from Memorial. He was beaten badly. He’s unconscious.”

Jacob asked what Nicole already knew was not the motive. “Robbery?”

Miguel was resolute. “No Jacob. You know damn well it had nothing to do with robbery!”

Jacob diverted his eyes. Humanity’s capacity for hatred shamed him.

Nicole remained calm. “How’s Stephanie?”

“The strong Irish in her is keeping her together. But I don’t think she should be alone.”

Nicole did not hesitate. “I’ll go now. I’ll call you from the hospital.” Nicole held Jacob in her regard. “Jacob, thank you for what you tried to do today.”

Jacob felt terribly insignificant. “Nicole, I’m sorry I couldn’t do more.”

“My friend. Remember what Beth said about making the uncommon common. For a moment I believed again that the impossible was possible. I will never be able to thank you enough for that gift.” She leaned over and kissed him upon the cheek. “You are the best of men Jacob Levi.”

~~~

Peter

~~~

Peter floated in and out of consciousness. He suffered a broken wrist and fractured ribs. He had contusions and cuts throughout his body. The internal damage he sustained was not life threatening. The doctors were confident that physically Peter would make a complete recovery.

Nicole visited the hospital daily. She sat beside Ms. Kilpatrick, Stephanie, mostly in silence. The two women had a great deal of respect for the each other. Nicole knew it had been hard for the young divorcee to accept her son’s affectional orientation. But the woman loved her only son and wanted him to be happy. When he approached her about working at the Elysian Fields, Stephanie requested a meeting with Nicole. The women spoke candidly. Stephanie had two concerns. The first was that Peter’s schoolwork not suffer. Nicole offered to mandate that Peter allow her to monitor his work and tutor him as needed as a condition of employment. The second was Peter’s exposure to gay life. Nicole assured Stephanie that Peter would become more assured and feel he had a place in the world if he could be surrounded by hard working, healthy, happy gay men. Miguel, Connor and Tony agreed that they would closely monitor Peter’s interactions with patrons and that they would intercede to inform the men who frequented the Fields that Peter was off-limits. Nicole also offered that Peter would only work The Garden and The Pub. His exposure to the more charged Elysian Fields dance floor would be limited, though not prohibited. Nicole explained that she didn’t want Peter to long for what was forbidden. It was agreed that Stephanie could visit the Fields at any time and if she saw anything that disturbed her she could pull her permission for Peter’s employment no questions asked. In the beginning Stephanie did use the open door policy on a regular basis. She would quietly sit in The Pub or go to The Garden and watch Peter work. Her son never seemed happier. His schoolwork improved and there was hope he would be able to enter a good college with a partial academic scholarship. With time Stephanie’s visits became less frequent. Their tone also changed. She was more relaxed and would speak comfortably with the Three Musketeers. Men she came to measure as worthy guardians of her son’s well being.

Peter began to stir. Stephanie and Nicole quickly got to their feet and went to his bedside. Stephanie took her son’s hand gently into her own. Nicole stood at Stephanie’s shoulder.

Peter’s eyes fluttered open. “Mom.”

“Hi honey. I’m here.”

Peter took in his surroundings. “Nicki. Hi.”

“Hi Peter. How are you feeling?”

Peter spoke in fragmented phrases. “They…banged me up good…huh?”

Stephanie assured. “You’re going to be all right.”

“They called me…a lily white fag…kicked me…and took my wallet.”

Nicole had been waiting for this information. “Who Peter?”

Peter closed his eyes focusing on the faces and voices. “Ty…Marcus…and Jerome.”

Stephanie looked to Nicole. “Do you know them?”

“Yes. I wouldn’t have expected it from them. It might have been a gang initiation.”

Stephanie’s temper rose. “They beat my son so they can belong to a gang?” It was difficult for her to comprehend such random brutality. “They won’t get away with it!”

“They won’t if Peter is willing to press charges.” Nicole knew the streets. Her desire to protect the boy set a cautionary tone. “Stephanie, it could get nasty if he does.”

Peter countered. “And if I don’t they’ll do it again.” The two women remained silent. Peter focused on his mother. “Mom, you’ve told me to be proud of who I am.”

Stephanie turned again to Nicole. “I don’t know if I should thank you or despise you for giving him his dignity.”

Nicole smiled. “I didn’t do it by myself.”

“So we’re both to blame.”

Nicole looked over to the boy. “Peter, I think your Mom is trying to tell you that she’s never been prouder of you. I know I haven’t.”

~~~

Vengeance

~~~

Nicole entered The Pub. Without missing a step she called out to Connor, “Get Miguel down here, now!” She continued to the back storage room returning to The Pub with a baseball bat in each hand. Miguel rushed down from The Garden. The specter of Nicole told him all he needed to know. Nicole tossed one of the bats to Miguel who caught it effortlessly. Nicole shared what she knew. “It was Marcus, Jerome and Ty. They’re usually playing basketball at the church gym around this time.”

Tom Forrest left his barstool and placed himself between Nicole and the door. “Nicki, these the hoods that got to Peter?”

Nicole did not respond.

Tom insisted, “I’m coming with you.”

Nicole was unyielding. “No you’re not. I won’t let you throw away your career.”

Tom argued. “Sam is on patrol tonight. It’ll be cool.”

Nicole tried to reason with him. “Sam doesn’t need to worry about covering up for another cop.”

Chuck Giotelli came up behind the two placing his hand on Tom’s shoulder. “Nicki’s right. Cops stay. Meat packers go.”

Blair was working late in the Religious Education office. Taking a much needed break she stretched in her chair and absentmindedly gazed out the window. It was then that she saw the five approaching figures walking down the middle of the street towards the church. Two brandished baseball bats. She stood up and approached the glass panes. The night prevented her from seeing their faces. She waited, knowing that if they continued in the same direction they would soon walk under a street light. Nicole led the pack. She was using a baseball bat as a surrogate cane. Blair exhaled, “My God.” She looked around. She didn’t know what to do. The thought of the police came to her but it was quickly superseded by another alternative. She ran down the hall and up the stairs to Beth’s apartment.

Beth had been enjoying a quiet evening of reading. Dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt she stood at her door as an alarmed Blair told her what she had seen. Beth grabbed her coat and ran down the stairs. She called out to Blair, “Get David!”

Beth ran into the churchyard. The approach of the five comprised of Nicole, Miguel, Tony and two other men she did not know by name but had seen at the Elysian Fields, backed Marcus and Ty against a wall. She went to Miguel who was closest to her. She pleaded. “Miguel, I don’t know what’s happening here but you can’t beat those boys.”

Dispassionate, Miguel continued unimpeded.

Marcus shouted, “Rev. Stop her!”

Beth saw Nicole take the bat with both her hands. Beth called out Nicole’s name as she went to her. Nicole held her place. At Nicole’s side, Beth spoke so only Nicole could hear her. “Nicki, please. You don’t want to do this.”

Nicole confronted Beth. “Don’t I? There is something called street justice. Tell me Beth, how many more boys like Peter have to be sacrificed? How much longer do we have to be despised by old ladies and young thugs!”

Beth gently placed her hand on Nicole’s arm. “Nicki, I’m sorry. I know I’m no better than they are. I know I’m worse. I’m suppose to be a moral example and I’ve been afraid to be who I am because of how great of a price I may have to pay. I swear to you I’ll do better. No matter what you decide to do I’ll do better. But Nicki, as much as I’ll defend your right to be who you are, I’ll condemn you for your vengeance. The cycle of hate and violence has to stop. You have to be strong enough not to be seduced by it.”

Nicole heard every word. One phrase echoed in her head, ‘afraid to be who I am.’ Nicole looked down to Beth. “You’ll hate me if I hurt them.”

Beth’s response was genuine. “I can never hate you.”

Nicole walked up to Marcus and swung high over his head. He fell down to a fetal position raising his hands to his head trying to protect himself. Nicole was disgusted. “You coward.” She walked over to Ty. They stood eye to eye. Nicole’s rage carried forth with every word she spoke. “Tell me, what did Peter ever do to you that you would want to kill him?

The boy clenched his jaws. He responded slowly, defiantly accentuating each word. “He’s no man.”

Nicole challenged him. “What makes a man?”

The boy remained silent.

Nicole called out without diverting her eyes. “Tony, call the police. We’ll keep these ‘men’ here until they arrive.”

Tony pulled out his cell phone and dialed 9-1-1.

Nicole whispered to the boy. “I’m going to make sure you get tried as an adult. You’re going to find out about manhood in jail. When they rape you, and they will, tell yourself that what’s being done to you doesn’t have anything to do with being a man.” She paused to let Ty take in her promise. She saw his cheek quiver. “And if you come to believe that where you stick it doesn’t have anything to do with being a man then you’ll know how wrong you were about Peter.”

Ty spit at her. “Bitch.”

Nicole raised her bat holding arm to her face and wiped it clean with her sleeve. Ty took a step back to avoid a graze from the bat. Nicole took the boy hard into her eyes. “You’re going to pray that we had beaten you and let you go because what’s going to be done to you is going to happen again and again for a long, long time.”

Ty boasted. “I’ll do it to them before they do it to me.”

“Maybe.” Nicole could not help but feel pity for Ty. He would use sex as violence, as a means to stake out his safe zone among a population of equally violent men. For Peter, still the virgin, sex promised an avenue of expressing his passion and love for another. Her sorrow deepened knowing that many would dare challenge Peter’s decency and right to a life unharmed. Many would find it easier to embrace Ty.

Nicole took a step back. Everyone had held their place. Beth observed the tableau vivant. In the stillness time was frozen. The sound of the police sirens broke through the silence. Tony called out. “They’re here!”

Samuel got out of the first of three squads. He knew everyone in the churchyard. Those in allegiance to the side holding baseball bats had at least one thing in common. He didn’t like what the scene promised. The neighborhood didn’t need a war between the gays and the gangs. Samuel nodded to Tony and Beth as he walked pass them. He knew whom he needed to talk to, to diffuse the conflict.

Ty hated to admit to himself that he was relieved to see the cop. In the cop’s presence Ty rediscovered his bravado. He raised his arm and pointed his finger at Nicole. “That bitch tried to kill us!”

Samuel shouted back. “Shut up!”

Ty’s pride was wounded. “Hey you gonna listen to some dyke instead of a brother!”

Nicole turned and walked to meet the officer. “Samuel, those two bastards beat Peter Kilpatrick to an inch of his life.”

Samuel eyed the two teenage boys. “I heard about Peter. We’ll take care of it.”

Nicole saw Samuel place his hand on his club. “Sam, don’t give their public defender anything to leverage.”

Samuel understood. “Kit gloves, Nicki. We’ll leave it to their cell mates to show them prison hospitality.”

“Then we understand each other. I’ll be at the Elysian Fields if you need me.”

Samuel needed to know. “Nicki, are you sure Peter will press charges?”

Nicole nodded. “He’ll do the right thing.”

Samuel tried to reassure. “I’ll personally take a statement from him in the morning.”

Nicole appreciated Samuel’s efforts. “He’s still at Memorial. Thanks Sam.”

“Goodnight Nicki.”

Nicole walked away from Samuel and everyone else in the courtyard. She passed Samuel’s brethren at ready to take in Peter’s assailants. It was good that the Chicago Police had a decent representation of gay and lesbian officers. It gave her some hope that justice could be had.

Beth watched wanting to go to Nicole but chose not to. She felt the untenable price her choices caused her to pay. She was finding her truth more and more difficult to bear. Watching Nicole depart Beth had no confidence that she would be welcomed by her. In fact, she did not feel she deserved to be welcomed.

~~~

Lunch on a tray

~~~

Beth stood outside of the Elysian Fields. In the two intervening weeks since the incident in the courtyard she found it impossible not to think of Nicole. She debated of whom of the two was in the best possible position to approach the other. Given New Years Eve she realized that the burden was hers and no matter what happened it would always be hers. She took a deep breath to settle her apprehension. She needed to steel herself for a rejection. She didn’t know how she would bear Nicole’s rebuff were that her fate.

Working the bar Connor noticed the young priest immediately. He caught her eye, greeting her with a smile. He motioned her upstairs. Beth was grateful for the familiar hospitality. Reaching the second floor landing she paused, her courage waning.

Miguel approached her holding a tray of food. “Reverend. What brings you here?”

Beth wanted to run away. It wasn’t like Miguel to be so formal. She opened her mouth but there were no words. Miguel’s heart went out to the young woman. It seemed to him that no matter how hard she tried she couldn’t or wouldn’t allow herself to see her own truth. The silence was a vestige of a breach that had no foothold in him. “Beth, could you do me a favor and take this up to Nicki. Tell her to eat before the soup gets cold.”

Beth looked down at the tray. She raised her hands in ready. She took hold of it as Miguel placed it in her reach. She looked up to Miguel with a profound feeling of gratitude washing over her. “Thank you.”

Miguel nodded. Beth began to walk down the corridor to the back stairs. Miguel called out her name as she reached the first step. The young woman turned to him. “It’s good to have you back.”

Beth smiled. She suddenly understood what she missed about the Elysian Fields, she felt she belonged in this space.

Beth entered the loft through the opened door. Across the extent Nicole sat at her desk. Nicole sensed a presence. She looked up from her work. Somehow the image of Beth before her was not a complete surprise. Wordlessly, Beth walked toward Nicole.

Nicole greeted her visitor. “Hi.”

Beth sighed, “Hi.”

Nicole nodded at the tray.

Beth explained. “Miguel sent this up. Your not to let the soup get cold.”

“I’ll pretend its gazpacho. You can put it on the counter.” Nicole motioned to the kitchen island.

Beth did as requested and returned her attention to Nicole.

Nicole expressed a tender gratitude. “Thank you.”

A shy smile took residence upon the nervous young woman.

Nicole pushed her chair back. “How are you?”

“Good.” Beth answered too quickly. She nodded as if trying to convince herself.

Nicole motioned to one of the two chairs across from her desk. Beth accepted the silent invitation and sat down. Nicole watched quietly playing with a pen in her hands.

Beth looked down. “Not good.” She raised her eyes slowly. “I’ve missed you.”

Nicole hesitated then leaned forward. “I’ve missed you too.”

“I’m sorry I let you down.”

“I can be unforgiving. Even against my better judgment.”

“I wish we could start over.”

“I don’t. I don’t want to forget waking up to you beside me at the hospital or our day in Wisconsin or how I felt listening to our homily.”

Beth did not veil her regret. “Those are not our only memories.”

Nicole mused. “As much as I regret some of the things I’ve said and done…. They are a part of me. If we are going to…” Nicole paused taking care in choosing her words. “If we are going to be friends you have to know the darker side of me. The tumor didn’t create my anger. It only prevented me from exercising my usual control.”

“I’d wish you would forget some of the things I’ve said and done.”

Nicole made note. “You’re young.”

Beth flashed a challenge with her eyes.

Nicole smiled and raised her hands up in mock defense. “Hey, I’m not that far ahead of you and I’m the first to admit that you’ve been a good influence on me.”

Beth was not so sure. “Have I?”

“I swung the bat high didn’t I?”

“Would you have hit him?”

“I don’t know. Something inside me snapped when I saw Peter in the hospital.” Nicole relaxed back into her chair. “I hope you know that it meant a great deal to Peter when you visited him.”

Beth felt a deep satisfaction. “He mentioned me? I’m glad.”

“It wasn’t just about what you represent. It was about who you are. If he wasn’t gay I’d swear he has a crush on you.”

The two exchanged modest glances.

Nicole swept her hand across her desk. “Beth, I’m under a deadline with my client.”

Beth reacted abruptly, standing up. “I understand. I’ll go.”

“Whoa there little one.”

Beth cocked her head.

The slip of Nicole’s private endearment for the young woman made her blushed. Nicole went for a simple explanation. “The report is due on their desk first thing Monday. If I stick to my work plan I’ll have it done by Saturday night. If I hit a snag I still have Sunday.” She stopped herself and tried to regroup. “What I’m trying to say…Beth would you like to get together on Monday? Do something.”

Beth wondered aloud. “What do you have in mind?”

“Don’t know but I’ll think of something.”

“I do like the idea.”

Nicole proposed. “Why don’t you come over at 9:00. I’ll be waiting.”

“Okay.”

The two fell into an intimate, comfortable silence.

Nicole regretted what she was about to do. “I hate to send you away but…”

“I’ll let you get back to work.” Beth turned and headed for the front door.

Nicole called out Beth’s name.

Beth turned back to Nicole.

“I’m glad you came.”

“Me too.”

~~~

Below the moon and stars

~~~

It was Saturday night and Nicole worked on the Executive Summary of her report. She never understood why she was called in on a consulting assignment like this one. They knew the problems. They knew what they needed to do to address them. They just didn’t listen to one another. No one had the courage to break through the corporate culture or may be they had tried and exhausted themselves in the effort. Top management was ‘clueless’ of their organization’s reality. She heard this time and time again. It didn’t matter if she was scoping a pristine financial institution or a soot worn manufacturer. So she got paid an obscene amount of money to tell the CEOs that they were the greatest obstacles to survival or to shifting from mediocre to best of class.

Early in her career Nicole helped turn around a couple of struggling firms not by playing nice but by challenging the status quo as senior consultants blanched. Her mother’s legacy she thought. Nothing came close to her mother’s worst moments. At the time she didn’t care if she got fired.

She enjoyed the luxury of being able to work as a consultant only as much as she wanted and that meant six months out of the year. Although those six months were often comprised of twelve hour days, a good third to half of them away from home.

Home kept her grounded. She shared her life with families that live on one quarter of her income. Nobody in the neighborhood knew how ‘successful’ she was in her other life and she like it that way. She gave generously under the guise of the Elysian Fields - giving back to the neighborhood. The intangible debt she owed was great. For too many years the neighborhood kept watchful eye on her mother, contacted Nicole to gather her up and take her home, cared for her mother when Nicole couldn’t be found. During Nicole’s rebellious years they took pity on her and granted her leniency but not so much so that Nicole cut across all lines and boundaries without consequence. And when all was said and done they forgave her and welcomed her with open arms back into their embrace.

Nicole stood at the window looking down to the streets. She raised her gaze up to the moon, the symbol of the mysteries. Its juxtaposition to the concrete and asphalt of the city always seemed askew to her. The elemental trying to get us to look up and recognize her. Too much of our vision is directed down and forward. We need more time to pause and simply search the heavens.

Her illness might be cured but she knew how fragile she was. She had been trying to understand what had changed. She knew there had been a change but she couldn’t find a representative image let alone the words.

She recalled the evening she had walked to the church to surprise Beth. How she found Beth in the church on her knees in tears for reasons beyond her knowledge. And how the next day she found Beth purposeful in her work. Reconciling those two impressions had tangled her mind for months now. The pieces of the puzzle were coming together. Nicole remembered once as a child of seven she too would come to St. Ann’s and kneel before the altar looking up at the crucified Christ with a sincere belief in God. As an adult she knows children as young as she was at the time are sponges taking in the world openly, with an innocent trust. That is if life hadn’t already beaten their innocence out of them. She couldn’t believe in Beth’s God. After struggling with the thought ‘why can’t she make the leap of faith’ she realized she was allowing those outside of her to define who she was within herself. She realized she had to trust herself, honor herself, that her beliefs are indeed good enough. They are more than good enough. They are her truth and needn’t be justified.

She can’t sever the connection of the image of herself as a child with that of Beth kneeling before the altar. When she is with Beth, Nicole finds herself mourning who she could have been if she hadn’t watched God die within her own mother. When God died within her mother God died within her.

Standing at the window up high over the street and yet so far below the moon and stars Nicole remembered that the little girl soon had to learn to play interference with her unstable mother. That little girl was so small. And small to Nicole meant two things. It meant she was vulnerable and that she was insignificant. She never again wanted to feel so exposed, so fearful, so terribly alone. She would never be small again. And so she lived her life in an upright posture, taking the force of the harshest winds unyieldingly. She grew tall. She never really thought about it in this way but she fashioned an imposing physique. She never minded being a head above many of the kids she grew up with. It was better to be the one looking over than to be looked down to. By her posture, even now as an adult, she often controlled the dynamics of an encounter.

Nicole looked up to the moon and the stars and knew that in proportion to the cosmos she was small - so very small, as small as Beth.

~~~

A silent canvas

~~~

Nicole decided upon a day at the Art Institute. Beth was pleased with the choice. They explored the galleries at times silently, at other times commenting on what they saw. Playful debates came to the forefront accentuating their aesthetic differences. Nicole’s eye for high contrast, dark pallet, realism was countered by Beth’s preferences for the more romantic, pastel pallet, impressionistic canvases.

Nicole hoped for an opportune moment to broach the subject of New Years Eve. She soon realized that there would never be such a moment. They were walking through the expansive Egyptian exhibit when Nicole mused, “Beth, I was thinking about Ruth and Naomi.”

Beth felt an immediate rising apprehension. Fearful of Nicole’s next words her response was a low, cautious, inquiring “Yes?”

Nicole continued tentatively. “About Naomi’s silence. About the silence between them marking the close of a chapter in their lives.” Nicole’s resolve faltered. They continue walking in silence for a few steps before Nicole made a statement posed more as a question. “You believe that they understood each other well enough to go on without having to revisit their past?”

Beth understood and held to the code placed before her. “I think it’s best that way.”

Nicole suggested. “To agree to disagree?”

Beth, in her own way, made a request of Nicole. “Nicki, sometimes you must trust actions - they can speak louder than words.”

Nicole clarified. “And sometimes actions tell you things that I person can’t, for whatever reason, put into words.”

Beth paused and waited for Nicole to meet her gaze. “You understand then?”

Nicole’s response was honest and gentle. “I don’t understand, really. But right now I don’t feel I have to.”

Nicole explored Beth’s eyes for a heartbeat. She was uncertain of what laid behind them. Nicole realized that there were certain aspects of Beth that were still beyond her reach. Nicole took the next step continuing their journey. Beth joined her without comment.

Nicole was not satisfied. Keeping her eyes forward she closed the moment with one final, and for her necessary statement. “Beth, someday I hope you will help me understand.”

Beth looked over to Nicole in profile. The soul of the woman could not be concealed. Beth understood. Someday Nicole would ask more from her. This was not the day. Beth prayed that when the day came she would not disappoint Nicole again.

~~~

Transitional notes

~~~

Nicole and Beth renewed their friendship with care. Beth’s return to the Elysian Fields for lunch and an occasional dinner did not go unnoticed. The Musketeers had exchanged notes on the events of New Years Eve. They concluded that they would never know the complete truth. Tony’s harsh assessment of Nicole, given Nicole’s own vague accounting, were mollified by Connor’s retelling of the Sunday morning exchange between Nicole and Jacob. In addition, word of Mrs. Stephens’ gloating eventually reached the men. It too cast a different light on that night, one that was less charitable to Beth. What was certain was that Nicole would not accuse Beth and had actually taken action to assume responsibility for the breach. What was also certain was that the breach was mended and both women seemed the happier for it. The men’s respect for Nicole’s privacy prevented any direct inquiry. Given their friendship with Nicole they each, in their own time, chose to see Beth as Nicole saw her, in spite of evidence that could have undermined the young priest’s credibility as an ally of the lesbian and gay community.

Gang related graffiti began to appear on the Elysian Fields’ walls. A visible consequences of the arrest of Peter’s assailants. Given the patronage of local law enforcement officers there had always been a disincentive of disruptions both within and outside the Elysian Fields’ doors. Anger made individuals bold and gangs bolder. Nicole chose to simply remove the graffiti. She refused to yield in the battle of wills.

~~~

Delayed

~~~

“Reverend Kelly.”

“Hi.”

It took a moment for Beth to recognized the voice. “Hi. I didn’t expect to hear from you for another hour.”

“My flight has been delayed.”

“When will you get in? Can we still do a late dinner?”

“That would be nice but I’m not scheduled to return until 9:30. How about a rain check?”

Beth felt the disappointment deeply.

“Beth?”

“I’m here.”

Nicole offered an alternative. “How about tomorrow?”

Beth brightened. “Breakfast?”

Nicole laughed. “Can we make it lunch. I’d like to get some sleep.”

“Meet you at The Garden at noon.”

“Sure.”

Silence took possession of the moment. Beth reluctantly breached it. “I guess I should let you go.”

Nicole quipped. “Oh yeah. Let me go so I can get back to the excitement of working in an airport.”

Beth sympathized. “Are you miserable?”

Nicole conveyed a positive outlook. “I’ll be home soon.”

“Nicki?”

“Yes?”

Beth struggled. “I…”

Nicole steadied herself and took the risk. “I’ve missed you too.”

Beth confirmed. “Tomorrow lunch.”

Nicole echoed. “Tomorrow lunch.” Another moment of silence took dominion. Nicole needed to find her way beyond her sweet sorrow. She whispered, carrying in tone what could not be said in word. “Sleep well.”

“Be safe.” Beth held on to the telephone, not wanting to end their connection. Resign and torn she placed the receiver down. It had been a very long two weeks without Nicole. Beth’s ache for Nicole was consuming her. She looked over to the ‘little fella’ holding court by her computer. Beth voiced her solace. “She’s coming home.”

~~~

A siren’s song

~~~

Beth awoke to the sound of sirens, one after another. The emergency was nearby. She lay in bed listening. More sirens approached. They alternated between police and fire protection. She realized that a chaplain’s services might be needed. She dressed and quickly exited the church.

Beth was jolted. The night sky was ablaze. She knew by the flames’ proximity that the Elysian Fields was on fire. She took a step forward and then another and then she broke into a run. The building was engulfed on all sides. She stopped at a police barricade.

One of the two officers looked over to her. He was tall, in his mid-forties. He spoke in an authoritative yet good-natured voice. “You can’t come any closer. It’s hell in there.”

Beth identified herself. “I’m a priest at St. Ann’s. Is there anything I can do?”

“Not right now Reverend. I’m told the owner lives on the third floor.”

Beth affirmed excitedly, momentarily losing her professional composure. “Yes she does. Her name is Nicole Thera.”

“Well, you may have some family and friends to console.”

Beth had yet to allow the complete truth of the fire to reach her consciousness. “What do you mean?”

“There’s been no sight of her.” The officer turned to the fire. “Look at it. If she’s not out now…I can’t see her living through that.”

Beth offered her only remaining hope. “She was flying back from Washington D.C. I know her flight back was delayed. If her Jeep isn’t in the back…”

“Hold on.” The officer went to his radio.

Beth waited as he made an inquiry. Both heard the answer from an officer on the other side of the building. “Affirmative. The Jeep is parked in the back lot.”

The irony did not escape the officer. “Her flight wasn’t late enough. Reverend, do you know if she had family?”

Beth response was dull. “No, one.”

“Hate to say it but it’s a blessing.”

Beth protested. “Nicki wasn’t alone. She has friends.”

“I’m sure she did. It’s going to be hard for them to know that this wasn’t an accident.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I bet a week’s pay on arson. Whoever it was took out both exits. At least they waited until after bar time.”

The two fell silent and continued to watch the flames. The officer turned to Beth. He didn’t know what else he could say. Beth looked at him and then turned away and walked to the sidewalk curb where she sat down and watched as the walls of the Elysian Fields began to collapse onto themselves. She couldn’t think. She couldn’t feel.

~~~

The night

~~~

Beth sat against the pew. Her legs up close she hugged herself as if a child. Her tear stained face marked her. There was no denying her anguish.

The figure, a shadow entered the sanctuary. She knew where to find the young woman of faith. Garment bag hanging from one shoulder, laptop computer case on the other she walked slowly down the nave contrary to her habit of always taking a less conspicuous route. Each step came with the hope for the reward of the gentle emerald eyes belonging to the only one who could comfort her. She turned to her left. Beth seemed so very small, as vulnerable, more so than that one unspoken evening. Nicole stood and waited for Beth to look up and recognize her. How many heartbeats passed she did not count nor care. Beth seemed devastated. Nicole wondered if her death would have been so great a loss to Beth. Nicole bent down and placed her bags upon the marble floor. It was to this sound that Beth was moved to raise her eyes. Nicole stood up tall, uncertain.

Beth took in the apparition. She would have sworn she was being tormented but for the array of Nicole’s things resting at her feet. Could it be true that she had not been home?

Nicole could see the bewilderment cut across Beth’s face. Beth whispered Nicole’s name fearful that her fleeting hope was playing the cruelest trick upon her mind.

Nicole answered the unspoken question. “My flight was delayed in Detroit.”

“You weren’t home?” Beth needed to confirm the obvious. “Your Jeep was parked in the back”

“I took a cab to the airport.” Nicole studied Beth. “I got back an hour ago. I needed to talk to the Fire Marshall and Police. I was told you were seen at the fire.”

“I thought I lost you?”

“No.” Nicole took the necessary steps to reach Beth. Beth in turn opened her arms in invitation. That only strengthened Nicole’s resolve. She took Beth into her arms. Beth released a sob.

“Oh God! Nicki.” The young woman trembled. Nicole rested her head upon Beth’s shoulder seeking her own comfort. Beth felt the weight of Nicole upon her. “You must be tired.”

Nicole nodded. She hadn’t the desire to speak. Beth urged, “Come up to my apartment. You can rest.”

“That might not be a good idea.”

Beth pulled Nicole to arm’s length in order to better gage her. Nothing she saw changed her resolve. “Don’t argue with me on this. Please.”

Nicole hadn’t the strength to fight Beth. “All right.”

“Come on.” Beth waited for Nicole to stand. She followed by swinging her feet to the ground and taking Nicole’s hand. She picked up Nicole’s computer case. Nicole reached for her garment bag. They walked wordlessly to Beth’s apartment.

Beth led Nicole into her studio. Upon entering Nicole paused. Her mind hesitated. Enough damage had been done in one day. She didn’t want Beth to be hurt. Beth, still holding Nicole’s hand squeezed it demanding her attention. “The bathroom is that way. If you want to freshen up.”

Relieved in being able to maintain her modesty Nicole nodded and entered the bathroom. Beth placed Nicole’s laptop beside her desk. She had never seen Nicole like this, not even in the hospital. There was a quietness to her. She seemed to take very little space. The impressive imposing Nicole had disappeared. She remembered Nicole telling her that she enjoyed staying home reading, keeping the world at bay. Beth suspected that was the part of Nicole she was now seeing. The Nicole who wanted to keep the world at bay but knew that it was simply a matter of time before she would be forced out. The fire had done this but the blow was so unexpected and so complete that she hadn’t been ready for it. Maybe later after she slept but not now. Worst than losing the Elysian Fields Beth realized was that Nicole lost her home. She lost her sanctuary, her place of peace and safety. She was now sharing a small cramp space with little light and air. Suddenly Beth’s cocoon felt claustrophobic. Beth walked to the door and gently closed and latched it. She quickly striped out of her clothes and put on a pair of sweat pants and a no-sleeve T-shirt. She waited patiently. As Beth began to recapture her own sensibilities she realized Nicole could very well be in shock. Concerned she walked to the bathroom door and listened. She heard the splash of water. Somewhat relieved she stepped back. She felt helpless in this divided space. She felt a growing need to hold Nicole, care for Nicole. She would have to wait. Beth knew she had to walk a fine line, providing comfort yet allowing Nicole to control her residence in Beth’s apartment. At a moment of such loss being able to have some semblance of autonomy is essential.

Nicole hung her garment bag on the shower bar. She opened an outside compartment and removed her toiletry case. From another compartment she removed the sweat pants and pullover she slept in. She could not shake the sense that the world was moving in slow motion. Her senses seemed muted, dulled. She removed her clothing and folded them on top of the toilet seat. She welcomed the looser clothing. The fleece felt soothing. She stared in the mirror. Her hair was still so short. She knew it would take over a year for it to regain its pre-operative length. There had been so many changes. She had tried her best to cope. But never did she imagine someone would fire bomb the Elysian Fields. Practically speaking she knew she was in good shape. She and Diana, her insurance agent, had gone through the annual New Year policy update. She had also updated her business interruption plan. Copies of all her electronic files were backed up and in the Elysian Fields safe. If they didn’t survive a second set of Zip-drive tapes were housed with her accountant. Financially she would survive this loss in tact. Ironically, she might even be in a stronger position. Her employees wouldn’t be so lucky. The Musketeers would be devastated. Peter would not have a job to return to once he got well. The thoughts continued to swirl in her mind. This was too much for her. She was tired. She didn’t want to think or feel. She wanted the world to stop. Tears broke through the void. She felt disengaged from the mirror image. This is not the homecoming she had looked forward to. She heard Beth lock the apartment door. She couldn’t stay in this room indefinitely. She ran water into the sink. She bent down, her hands clutching the sides of the sink. Were she alone she would have allowed herself to collapse to the floor. She looked to the door. She would soon need to cross that threshold. Life would go on. Her hands cut into the water and raised the cool wetness to her face. It did not penetrate the numbness that had crept through and taken possession of her body.

Beth waited, sitting on the side of her bed. She heard the door open. Nicole stepped out. She looked about as if disorientated. She held her garment bag in hand. Beth stood up. “You can hang your bag on the hook.” She pointed to a hook on her closet door. Nicole’s eyes followed Beth’s hand to it. She mechanically completed the task. She then turned to Beth. She was feeling very lost in Beth’s space. Beth waited for some kind of sign from Nicole that would clue her as to what the proud, self-reliant woman would allow to be done for her. It struck Beth how vulnerable Nicole seemed to her. Beth decided to take a chance and try to lead Nicole to bed. Beth walked up to the other and gently took her hand. Nicole looked down at all that was beauty and tenderness. Beth smiled reassuringly and guided her across the room. Nicole slide under the bedcovers Beth had raised up for her. The softness of the comforter enfolded her body. Beth walked to the door and turned off the overhead light. She then walked to her side of the bed and carefully got in taking as little space as possible. Still sitting up she turned to Nicole. “Is there anything I can do?”

Nicole looked over to Beth and knew she didn’t want to be so close to her and yet have her physically untouchable. She hadn’t the strength to suppress her need. “Sleep close to me.”

Beth nodded. There were so few words between them on this night. Beth turned toward her night table and switched off the last remaining light. She slide down into the bed and moved her body to Nicole’s side, resting her head on Nicole’s shoulder and wrapping her arm across Nicole’s waist. Nicole felt stiff to Beth. The latter waited. Nicole took in a deep breath and exhaled. She moved her arm across Beth’s body holding her close. Beth felt Nicole relax. It was only then that she knew she had done the right thing in bringing Nicole into her bed.

Beth heard the light knocking at her door. She opened her eyes. It seemed as if she hadn’t moved since she closed her eyes. Nicole slept soundly. Beth carefully removed herself from Nicole’s embrace.

She found David waiting on the other side of the door. “Good morning. I was wondering if you planned to work today.”

Beth tried to clear the haze from her mind. “What time is it?”

“Ten.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Beth turned to look back at the reason for her absence. “We had a long night.”

David peered in. “I heard about the fire. I didn’t know Nicole was here.”

“She got in late from Washington D.C.”

“Tell her she can stay in one of our guest rooms until she can make other arrangements.”

“I will.”

David was somewhat distant. “You know Beth, you have the authority to grant use of our guest rooms.”

Beth asserted her better judgment. “I didn’t want her to be alone.”

“I see. How is she?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Well, she’s your ministry for the day.”

Beth bristled at the characterization. “David, Nicki is not part of my ministry.”

David ventured. “She’s not?”

Beth was adamant. “No, she’s not. I’ll touch base with you later today if that’s all right?”

“Of course.” David stepped back as Beth closed the door. Beth rested her head against the smooth hardwood. She was claiming her life as her own just as she was becoming more and more uncertain of what her life was meant to be. She felt her fatigue and longed only for one thing — to return to Nicole’s embrace.

Nicole stirred as Beth reentered the bed. “Who was that?”

“David. I’m taking the day off. Go back to sleep.”

“I promised you lunch at The Gardens.” Awareness cut through Nicole’s consciousness. The memories of the smothering timbers flashed into her mind’s eye. With it came a remembrance of her loss. She turned onto her side, her back to Beth. She closed her body inward.

Beth realized what Nicole had said and waited to see the effect. It came silently in the motion of a withdrawn body. Beth honored Nicole’s movement by effortlessly releasing Nicole from her embrace and accepting Nicole’s back not as a sign of rejection but as a sign that the numbing shock was beginning to wear off. Beth wanted to reassure Nicole but words did not belong between them, not yet. Nicole’s withdrawal posed the question of how invited a renewal of their physical connection would be. Beth held to Nicole’s request, ‘Sleep close to me.’ Those words gave her the courage to rest side by side with Nicole. She slowly placed her arm over her companion.

Nicole closed her eyes tightly, as if the effort would or could hold back the images of the previous night. She compressed herself in body and soul. She felt as if she had been whipped lashed to her past. Where a fragile worn thread held all she had. She felt Beth fit her body to hers. The posture of their bodies made Nicole feel all the more vulnerable. She remembered lying in her hospital bed wondering how it would feel to be held. She found herself once again feeling battered but his time Beth was not just holding her hand or placing a hand on her brow. Beth was holding her completely and all Nicole had to do was to surrender to it. When Nicole first took to Beth’s bed she was too tired, too dulled to feel anything. This was no longer true. Nicole felt Beth place her arm around her. The weight of it was reassuring. She wanted it. She hadn’t the presence of mind to even consider the possibility of more that had captured her imagination in the past. Right not what Beth offered was everything Nicole could accept. With her hand Nicole held Beth’s arm tighter to her body. She thought to carve a place for this memory. Though she had lost so much in the past twelve hours she had this one compensation. There may never again be a reason for Beth to be with her like this. This fleeting moment may be the consummation of their friendship, the ultimate of the physical intimacy they would ever be able to share. Nicole felt a small smile come to her. She was suddenly pleased with herself. She at times wondered if her life tenets would serve her well. In this moment of consideration she knew they had. She knew she was able to find grace in the past twelve hours. It would not have been possible without her willingness to admit her vulnerability and voice her need. It would not have been possible if she hadn’t accepted the reality of the destruction. It would not have been possible if she didn’t hold to the commitment to seek goodness in the maelstrom of hatred. She shuttered at the latter. She hoped that in the days to come she would continue to believe in goodness and if she couldn’t believe she would at least act as if she did. She hoped her rage would stay dormant. She knew all too well the power of her rage, the capacity for it to consume all that was good in her. She pressed Beth all the closer to her. Nicole knew that with Beth beside her she could continue to swing the baseball bats high of the target to make a point but not to injure. She also knew that the community would be looking to her to see if, when and how she swung the baseball bat against those who would do her and other lesbians and gay men harm.

Nicole continued to navigate the converging thoughts. Though the sun was shining through Beth’s thin gauze curtains, Nicole felt the darkness at the perimeter threatening to expand its domain. Nicole felt Beth’s embrace as a tactile tangible counterpoint to the intangible thoughts and emotions. She knew she would need to balance the effect of the two once she consented to face the day. She wasn’t ready to do so. Not yet. Slowly she fell into a fitful sleep of scattered, conflicting images of who she was, who she would be in this world she had inherited.

It was impossible for Beth to know Nicole’s thoughts. All she had was Nicole’s physical cues. Twice Nicole pulled Beth closer to her. Twice Beth welcomed the gesture she took as a sign of her belonging.

Nicole stood in the shower allowing the warm waters to comfort her. The day was more than half over and she needed to get to her 2:00 p.m. meeting. She couldn’t remember the last time she slept in another woman’s arms. Her routine was always to go to their place so she could leave at her leisure. It was far less complicated than trying to choreograph the other’s exit from the loft. Going to the woman’s place kept the loft hers. She did not share her home. Now, she ruefully thought, she didn’t have a home to share. Beth’s was not the smallest or simplest. It was however, one of the most anonymous which didn’t feel right to Nicole.

Nicole dressed in the same jeans and sweater she had worn the day before. She entered the studio, spied her shoes, took them in hand as she walked to Beth’s desk chair. It was indeed an anonymous room. No pictures of family, no incidentals that reflected Beth’s interest outside of the books that lined her shelves. It was all so sedate and formal. Nicole would be sad to live like this. She put on her shoes and coat and took her computer case in hand. She was going to leave a note but decided better of it. Beth deserved more. She sat on the Beth’s side of the bed. The weight of her made Beth stir. Beth turned on her back. Her eyes focused on her guest. “Hi.”

“Good afternoon. I need to go to a meeting at my attorney’s.”

It took a moment for Beth to remember why Nicole was with her as pleasant and natural as the reality of it was to her and why Nicole would need to meet with her attorney. “How are you?”

“Better. Its past one and I have a lot I need to get done.”

“Will I see you later?”

“Can I call you? I’m good at what I do but even I can’t rebuild my life in a day.”

Beth reached out and rested her hand on Nicole’s arm. “David said you can stay in one of the church’s guest rooms until you resettle.”

“That would be good.”

“I’ll move your things next door. You can get the keys on your way out. Stop at the office.”

“Thank you.”

“Thank David.”

“No Beth, I’m thanking you…for everything.” Nicole bent down and kissed Beth on the forehead. “Got to go.”

~~~

Found and lost

~~~

Nicole looked up to the church tower clock. It was near midnight. She had an arduous day. Still the consensus was that she would be able to rebuild the Elysian Fields. The Fire Marshall and Police had opened a criminal investigation into the fire. Evidence of three firebombs was found. One suspected thrown from an adjacent building roof into her bedroom. Another through The Pub’s front window and a third at the back alley door. If the Elysian Fields had been open the death toll could have been tragic. The method of the attack led authorities to believe it was gang related. Nicole assumed that if she had swung the baseball bat low the attack would have happened during business hours. Instead, she was to be the only fatality.

Before walking up the stairs Nicole paused and readjusted her computer case on her shoulder. Upon reaching Beth’s apartment she again paused. She was tempted to knock but couldn’t justify stealing a second nights sleep from Beth. She walked to the next room, key in hand.

Beth had been listening for any sound that hinted at Nicole’s return. She opened her door and stepped out into the corridor relieved to confirm Nicole’s arrival. “Hi.”

Nicole was pleased to see Beth. “You’re up late.”

“I was about to say the same thing to you. How was your day?”

“Productive.”

Beth sought assurance. “And that’s good?”

Nicole’s strength had resurfaced. “Yes, I don’t do helpless very well.”

“I know.”

“Yes you do, don’t you.”

Beth offered. “I can make some tea.”

“An invitation?”

“Unless you’re too tired.”

“I’m wide awake.”

Beth invited. “Come on then.”

Nicole put her keys into her pocket and walked back to Beth’s apartment. Beth went to light the stove. She glanced back to Nicole. “Make yourself comfortable.”

Nicole sat down in Beth’s desk chair. She had started her day in this room. It seemed so long ago. With the water set to boil Beth returned to Nicole. “I don’t know what I’m going to do with you?”

“What do you mean?”

Beth stood before the dark hair woman. She was feeling a happiness that was difficult to describe. “You could take off your coat.”

Nicole smiled up at her. She shared her uncensored heart. “I love your smile.”

Beth held her gaze upon Nicole. She had thought of nothing or no one else throughout the day. She took Nicole’s coat lapels with her hands and leaned down. Nicole in turn raised her head. Beth paused for a heartbeat and then gently brushed her lips against Nicole’s.

The kiss had been so long in waiting. Nicole closed her eyes and allowed the gentleness take her. Beth raised herself up and took Nicole in her gaze once again. There were no words for her. She smiled and was rewarded with Nicole’s own bright response. Nicole raised her hand to Beth’s and released its hold upon her. She then reached up and cupped Beth’s cheek. The softness of it surprised her. Her hand traveled to the back of Beth’s neck. Nicole gently coaxed Beth back down to her. The kiss was not as gentle. Nicole’s hunger and passion rose. Beth responded in kind. Nicole began to explore Beth with her tongue. She felt a surge in her body. She honored it by standing up.

Beth felt Nicole’s motion to an upright position. It took her as a blow. She stepped back, stumbling. Nicole caught her by the waist holding her close. Beth felt out of control. With it came fear. She placed her hand on Nicole’s chest to press Nicole away from her. “Nicki please.”

Nicole felt the pressure and pulled back. She was confused. “What is it?”

“I didn’t mean to…Please. I’m sorry.”

Nicole’s confusion heightened. She searched Beth’s emerald eyes. The young woman’s fear was apparent.

Beth tried to regroup. “I don’t know what I was thinking.”

Nicole approved. “You weren’t thinking. For a moment Beth you weren’t thinking.”

Beth diverted her eyes. “I can’t Nicki.”

Nicole felt the rejection. “You mean you won’t.”

“Nicki please try to understand.”

For Nicole there was only one point of concern. “Do you love me?”

Beth attempted to disown her actions. “I care for you.”

Nicole was no longer willing to give Beth room to vacillate. “That isn’t what I asked you.”

Beth searched Nicole’s eyes seeking mercy. “It would be wrong for me.”

“To love me?”

Beth pressed her hands on Nicole’s arms demanding release. “Don’t do this.”

Nicole violently dropped her arms from Beth’s waist and stepped away. She had to once again remind herself of the space. She stood in Beth’s space. She did not belong here for too many reasons. Hadn’t it been less than twenty-four hours ago that they shared the same bed, slept in each other’s arms. Had that been a cruel play on the imagination. And the kiss - had she just imagined the kiss?

Nicole looked about her again. It was a hopelessly barren space allowing no life. She needed to get away from it and all who pretended they could live in it. Nicole returned her gaze to Beth. Only one thing was left unsaid. “You’ll never convince me that my loving you is wrong.”

Nicole turned and walked toward the apartment door. She felt her rage break through. She didn’t trust herself in her present state. She suppressed her tears as she left the studio. She went to her room, retrieved her garment bag and left. The keys to her borrowed room remained visibly in the door lock.

Beth stepped back as Nicole’s figure exited her apartment leaving the door slightly ajar. She stared at the door and the breach of space that separated her from Nicole. She heard Nicole’s movements: to the adjacent room, keys in the lock, door opened, steps within, a quick turnaround, a pause, the door closed, keys turned and then movement back toward her. Nicole’s shadow swept across the breach of space and continued onward and away. The owner of the shadow did not come back to Beth. There was not even a momentary pause to reconsider. The sounds continued. Footsteps going down the stairs one after the other, each step more distant, less extant, until there was nothing more to hear.

For a moment Beth felt she was going mad. She wanted to go mad. How else could she bear her life? She stood hollow. Her shell made of chalk, slowly disintegrating. Layers of white granular chalk falling to the floor. Nothing within to brace her. Nothing without to stay her from the forces of life, to prevent her gradual ruin.

~~~

Accusations

~~~

Beth looked up from her desk. Miguel stood at the threshold. She got to her feet to welcome him.

“Miguel. It’s good to see you.”

Miguel stood rigid. He had no patience for courtesies. “I need to know what happened between you and Nicki.”

Beth was taken aback. Miguel’s tone was nothing less than confrontational. “What has Nicki told you?”

“Me? Nothing! She did tell Kate to forget any thought of rebuilding the Elysian Fields. After the lot is cleared it’s going up for sale. Maybe the neighborhood ‘ll get a Starbucks or a new Walgreens.”

“What does Nicki’s decision have to do with me?”

“Two days ago we stayed up at Kate’s working on a business plan. Nicki left us exhausted but hopeful. Yesterday everything had changed. I think you’re the only one who saw her.”

“Miguel you’re making assumptions.”

Miguel erupted. “Did you see Nicki!”

Although churning inside Beth remained on the surface steady. “Yes.”

Miguel did not relent. “What did you say to her?”

Beth tried to defend herself. “You make it sound as if…”

“She’s gone Beth. She’s gone and she’s not coming back!”

Miguel’s news shattered Beth’s denial. “What do you mean gone?”

“Exactly that. Kate is bound by her code of ethics to respect Nicki’s request for privacy but I’m not. I called her consortium’s office. She’s accepted a long-term assignment in Philadelphia.”

Beth tried to reason. “That doesn’t mean she’s not coming back. She may want to earn extra money to help pay for expenses.”

“That’s not it! Money didn’t drive her out of Chicago. The insurance coverage is more than enough and there are always plenty of assignments in the city to keep her going for months. She left the city to get away from…Haven’t you figured that out yet? For Christ’s sake why do you think she took the New York job?”

Beth could no longer pretend otherwise. “Because of New Years Eve.”

“Yes!”

Beth backtracked. “She said that?”

Miguel had lost all patience. “Damn it you just don’t get it. Nicki doesn’t say anything. You know her by what she does.”

Beth countered. “Nicki does say things.”

Miguel paused. His words were brutal. “You’re right. And when she does she means it. She means letting the Elysian Fields lie in an ash heap. And I don’t like it!”

Beth continued to try to rationalize. “Miguel, I believe there is a reason for everything.”

“Then tell me why have I just lost one of the closest friends I’ve ever had in the world?” Miguel’s anger turned to despair. His tears overtook him. Beth walked up to him and attempted to take him into her arms.

He wrenched himself away from her. “Go to hell!”

There was nothing Beth could do so she did nothing but stand and watch Miguel leave her in the hell he wished upon her.

~~~

Calendar time

~~~

It had been a month to the day since the fire. Nicole had settled into her extended stay hotel room with relative ease. She took advantage of free evenings and weekends to explore the city. She spoke with Kate regularly to address the insurance settlement. A broker had been enlisted to market the property. There were a couple of interested parties. Nicole wanted to see an urban development that would contribute to the vitality of the neighborhood. Her decision to which party she would sell the Elysian Fields’ lot was to be her final legacy, her final act of return. She placed her new copy of Lucretius’ On the Nature of Things aside. The breaking away from Chicago had been extraordinarily easy and that was unexpected. She had always felt that the neighborhood’s hold would be enduring. The destruction of the Elysian Fields represented a severance from her past. As much as the Elysian Fields brought her comfort it also restrained her. She had tried so hard to fulfill her debt. A debt the Elysian Fields represented. The neighborhood gave. It also took away. The account was now in balance.

She needed the separation. Who she had become had gotten intertwined with the neighborhood to such an extent that her identity was lost to her. Beth’s rejection, for all the pain it caused her, did gift her the reassurance that her capacity to love remained. It also confirmed that she would never ransom herself away. Beth could not love her. Nicole had convinced herself otherwise. She was wrong. The heart self-deceived is cruel onto itself.

Nicole worked. She allowed herself quiet time to think, to do nothing. With each day a thin layer of carrion was stripped away from her body. Obligations that should have long been discarded were identified and retired. There were still days that she picked up the telephone to dial someone in Chicago. Each time she returned the receiver to its place. Six months. She told herself she would give herself six months. Only then would she trust herself to reconnect. Kate was not shy in expressing her concern and asking at every opportunity if Nicole had contacted anyone else. Kate would offer to share information about others, requested or not. Nicole consistently decline “going there.” Nicole speculated upon the length of Kate’s reprieve. She knew the day would come when Kate would change tactics and go for a frontal assault. Right now the dance between them carried a hint of grace.

~~~

Words from one who knows

~~~

Kate greeted her unexpected guest. “Reverend Kelly.”

Beth took Kate’s offered hand. “Thank you for seeing me.”

The attorney motioned toward a chair. “Please sit down. What can I do for you?”

Beth’s threadbare courage was concealed under a cloak of direct inquiry. “I was hoping you could give me some information regarding Nicki.”

Kate returned to her chair behind her desk. “You realize as an attorney I must respect my client’s confidentiality just as you must as a cleric.”

Beth hoped she could circumvent Kate’s refusal. “I’m not here as a priest and I didn’t come to you because you are Nicki’s attorney. I came to you because you are Nicki’s friend. I just want to know if she’s all right.”

Kate tried to suppress what had become, since Nicole’s departure, a simmering anger toward Beth. “That’s a subjective notion.”

Beth realized she was on hostile ground. “You’re not going to help me are you?”

Kate was terse. “I’m under very specific instructions. Nicki is both my client and my friend.”

Beth grappled for leverage. “You can’t believe running away from her life here in Chicago is the right thing for her to do?”

Beth had no idea of the caliber of woman she was dealing with. The litigator in Kate took full advantage. “Your statement is complete with assumptions. It’s your opinion Nicki is running away. It’s your opinion that her life is tied to this city and it’s your opinion you know what is right for her. Maybe Nicki’s life is finally her own, free from long past debts. And maybe she’s now in a place where she can find the love she rarely allows herself to believe she deserves. Beth, Nicki never told me she loved you. She didn’t have to. There was never a conversation between us that she didn’t speak your name. Sometimes you were the only thing she would talk about. To her you are a young, earnest, passionate woman with a ceaseless capacity for compassion and an optimistic ethos that struggles to survive in the harsh reality of the streets. But to her you also have your own pain. Nicki sensed it but she could never figure out its source. I think that one reason she felt a connection with you was that pain. I know she allowed you to be with her at her most helpless. I know she was overjoyed the day she was able to surprise you by walking to your church. I know she was devastated after New Years Eve and I know that devastation was eclipsed the day she called me to tell me she was leaving for Philadelphia. No one in my network has an explanation for why she changed her mind about rebuilding the Elysian Fields. I know she left my office to go to St. Ann’s because David offered her a room. I know she didn’t see David that night. No one in my network saw or spoke to her. The only person we could speculate that could have affected her so deeply was you and none of us felt, given your position, that we had the right to ask. I find it hard to believe that you’ve come to me for information when you’re the only one other than Nicki who knows the truth.”

Beth was overwhelmed. She looked down to her hands. Kate was wrong about only one thing. Miguel did not hesitate to demand her accountability. She took a deep breath and raised her eyes to Kate. “Will she accept any messages from me?”

Kate was emphatic. “No.”

Beth stood up. “I’ve taken enough of your time. Thank you for seeing me.”

Kate watched Beth take her leave. In spite of her anger toward Beth, Kate wished she could heal Beth’s pain but she knew she could not. Thinking again she knew that even if she could she wouldn’t. This pain was needed if Beth was ever to face her truth, whatever truth that might be. There was a price to be paid for the privilege of life.

~~~

The closing

~~~

Nicole finished signing the last of the portfolio of documents.

“Congratulations Ms. Thera you’re a wealthy woman.”

Nicole looked over to the pompous attorney. Mr. Griffith I was a wealthy woman before the fire and this sale.”

Griffith coughed. “Yes, of course.”

Nicole spoke to Kate. “If you don’t need me for anything else I’ve got a plane to catch.”

Jason Chamberlain, a distinguished developer in his late 50’s and the buyer of the Elysian Fields’ lot spoke his regret. “You’re not staying? I was hoping to show you our latest plans and model. We’ve incorporated some of your ideas.”

Nicole was sincere. “I appreciate the offer but there is something I need to do before heading back to Boston.”

“Boston? I thought you were in Philadelphia.”

Nicole explained. “I finished my work there two weeks ago. I just started a new assignment.”

Chamberlain questioned. “So where is home?”

Nicole placed her hand on Kate’s shoulder. “That is something I haven’t decided yet.”

Chamberlain did not hide his admiration for Nicole. “You are a true gypsy.”

“This gypsy has her limits. I’m giving myself six months before I settle down. In the mean time I’m taking advantage of my assignments to explore some new cities.”

“Well, that explains the option. Seems like taking some time to decide is a good plan. Best of luck Ms. Thera.” Chamberlain offered his hand. “I’m sincere when I say I would welcome continuing our business relationship.”

Nicole took the gentleman’s hand warmly. “Thank you, Sir. Good luck to you too.” Nicole turned to Kate. “I’ll call you later this week.”

Kate placed her hand over Nicole’s. “Have a safe trip.”

Nicole leaned down and kissed Kate on the cheek. “Thank you for taking good care of me.”

~~~

Loose ends

~~~

Standing before St. Ann’s Nicole knew were was no preparation for what she was about to do. David was expecting her. They hadn’t talked, only exchanged email.

“Good night David.” Beth paused when she realized he wasn’t alone. “I’m sorry I didn’t…”

Nicole turned to face the newcomer. Beth was dazed. She held on to the doorknob for support. Her eyes traveled to David seeking relief. David remained visibly untroubled. He had waited for this moment. He knew Beth’s routine of ending each workday by stopping by. He purposely took no action to close his door, to bar her from entrance and discovery of Nicole. He was attentive to Beth’s discomfort. His heart went out to the young woman but not so much that he would be her accomplice. It had been obvious to him that the dynamics between the young priest and Nicole were edged. Someone was going to get hurt. To their misfortune they both did. There had been no closure. At least this way there was a chance for the wounds to heal. Beth flirted with danger and got caught. Nicole lost sight of what was possible and she felt her disappointment intensely. Here in a moment of searing recognition all their misjudgments were painfully exposed, the consequences stripped of their temporary balms. They had an opportunity to move from triage to the operating room. The first incision had now been felt. The question was whether they were willing to go through the complete procedure, trusting each other in the process.

Beth stepped backwards out into the corridor. She still held Nicole in her gaze. Blair walked by, “Good night.”

Beth turned responding automatically. “Good night.” She took advantage of the break away from Nicole and began her ascent to her apartment.

Nicole didn’t expect seeing Beth again would take so much out of her. Beth’s bewilderment gave Nicole hope that the depth of Beth’s emotion ran as deep as Nicole suspected.

David paused for Nicole. He spoke only after he had her attention, suspect as it might be. “What are you waiting for? We both know you didn’t come to just see me.”

Nicole took the stairs in twos. She held her position on the top landing. Leaning forward against the banister she watched Beth struggle to insert her key into the door lock. The young woman’s hand trembled. She swore underneath her breath. “Damn it!” Beth wiped her eyes with her sleeve.

Nicole could reach Beth if she only tried. Nicole moved forward. Beth looked up. Nicole kept a couple paces between them. She whispered Beth’s name.

Hearing Nicole’s voice Beth cried out. “Damn you!” She stepped away from the door still looking down. “I gave up.” She looked up and over to Nicole. “I gave up all hope of ever seeing you again. I even went to Kate hoping I could get a message to you but she said she couldn’t take it. You shut me out.”

Nicole bared her vulnerability. “I wouldn’t of been able to bear the disappointment that came with every phone call or email or letter I got that wasn’t from you.”

Beth gave no absolution. “What about Miguel and the others?”

“It would have been too difficult not to have asked about you. I needed time to let you go.”

Beth challenged. “Have you?”

Nicole was uncertain. She didn’t know if Beth was fighting for her to stay or go. “I have to get on with my life.”

Beth felt defeated. “What are you going to do?”

“Catch my flight back to Boston. I promise I won’t bother you again. I didn’t want our last memory of each other to be… Beth, I just wanted to say goodbye and thank you for your friendship.”

“We can still be friends.”

Nicole was unwavering. “No, we can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because I have never been just your friend. And because of what I see in your eyes. I’ve caused you so much pain. I can’t be with you knowing that.”

“You’re not the cause.” Upon saying those words Beth knew that it was true. Nicole was far from the cause of her pain. “You’ve brought me the only happiness I’ve ever known.”

Nicole could not reconcile Beth’s words to the woman who stood before her. Beth had become a shiver of the woman Nicole first met. “At what price. To go against your church…your beliefs.”

Beth cried out. “You don’t know what I believe!”

Nicole responded in a hush. “Because you won’t tell me.”

Beth trembled. “Every day.” She paused trying to find the words. “With every day that passes I lose a little more of myself. I feel I’m slipping away. There’s nothing left of me. Nicki, I’m dying inside. I feel the God I knew is dying along side of me.”

The haunting experience of a dying God was all too familiar to Nicole. She knew the brutality of such a loss. “But why, Beth?”

“You’re asking me? You don’t even believe…”

“I told you that in my own way I find the divine in life. I don’t have your beliefs. I don’t have to. That doesn’t stop me from appreciating the gift that your beliefs are to you.”

Beth was sardonic. “Gift? I’m suffocating. All I see and feel is…. Life is so God damn tragic!”

“Beth, I believe we are ultimately alone. It’s not as if we have been given a promise of anything more than that. Why should we expect more?”

Beth felt a looming betrayal. “We have been promised more. I’ve been promised more. There has to be more. You don’t understand.”

Nicole tried valiantly to reach through the distorted space between them. “You’re right. I don’t understand. Help me understand.”

“I’ve been having a conversation with God all my life.”

“And…”

Beth collided with her torture. “I can’t anymore.”

“Why not?”

Beth gave full release to her suffering. “Because I’m in love with you.”

Nicole assured. “You don’t have to make a choice between me and God.”

Beth dulled. “The church says different.”

Nicole defended her right to have Beth in her life. “The Episcopal Church is not your God. You don’t pray to a church.”

“I don’t pray at all! I’ve lost my God because of you. I’ve lost everything!” Beth took hold of her cross and ripped it off her neck. In one uninterrupted motion she threw it at Nicole.

Nicole turned away. She didn’t feel any contact with the cross. She returned her gaze to Beth. Nicole was dumbfounded. There would be no more holding back. “Three months ago you said my love for you was wrong for you. Now you tell me that a consequence of my love is the very destruction of your life. I’ve been willing to take responsibility for a lot of things but I won’t take this on. I’m done Beth. I’ve had it. I’ve stood back and said nothing about your church. You’re a scholar. You know that in this world right now there are Christians that disagree on a range of theological and social issues including whether the love between two women is to be blessed or cursed. I only know on thing in my life. And that is that no creator would bless and then condemn its very creation. I don’t know your God. To say that what is between us is not meant to be is a lie. You want me in your life but you close yourself to any real intimacy. I don’t know what bargain you’re trying to make and with whom but it isn’t with the angels. If anything it’s with the devil itself. The bargain is not going to happen. There’s no more playing safe. There is no more hiding behind the church. Tell me, can you be in any greater hell than the one you’re living in now?” Nicole’s rage radiated between them. Beth had no defense. Spent, Nicole whispered. “David knows how to contact me.” She turned and took her leave.

Beth leaned against the wall. She closed her eyes and felt her free fall into a relentless void.

~~~

A second mitzvah

~~~

“Good morning.”

The man’s familiar voice carried gently to Beth. She looked up from the church’s latest financial report to the welcoming presence of Jacob. “Jacob, Good morning.”

Beth stood up. Jacob raised his palm to her. “Sit. We don’t need any formalities between us, do we?” He entered, closing the door behind him.

Beth honored his request and returned to her chair waiting for the elder to make himself comfortable. Jacob went to one of the two chairs opposite Beth’s desk. He kept his upright posture. “Nicole came to me late yesterday afternoon. She came to say goodbye.” Jacob paused, studying Beth carefully. Though there was no discernible reaction, she could not hide the reflection in her eyes of the sad pale of her heart. He continued. “Tell me Beth, have you spoken to David about your doubts?”

Beth could not ignore the direct question. She could however attempt to limit the damage. “What did Nicole tell you?”

“Do not be concerned. Nicole respected your privacy. Whatever she knows she has kept to herself. I love the young woman for many reasons. One is her integrity. I’ve watched her and I am amazed by who she has become. God has tested her time and time again. She has faltered. And yet somehow she has overcome the harshness of her life to find God’s grace. Do you know what she believes or do you only know her by what she doesn’t believe.”

Beth realized she couldn’t articulate Nicole’s beliefs. “I’m not sure.”

Jacob decided he would sit and did so. “When Nicole was in college one of her professors demanded that she stop defining herself by who she was not and find the words to describe who she was. It took some time for her to find those words. She came home to visit during a Spring break. We sat together and I listened. She told me she had four words - her four tenets she called them. She wanted to live by them but she doubted she was strong enough to do so. Do you know what they are?”

Beth shook her head.

Jacob smiled. “Grace, humility, goodness and acceptance. Each day she says her prayer although she would never call it a prayer. Every day she prays that she may accept the grace of life with humility as she seeks the goodness within herself and others. In those words you will find what our Nicole believes is the meaning of life. One simple sentence. What do you believe Beth?”

Beth took in Jacob. The kind soul eased her fears. “To love God and to love my neighbor as myself.”

“Yes, of course.” Jacob leaned back in his chair. “The two great Christian commandments. Tell me Beth, do you love yourself? You cannot love your neighbor as God would have you do unless you love yourself first.”

“Jacob…”

“Beth, no manner of protest will impress me. I listened to you speak of Naomi and Ruth and I thought you may have finally understood the countenance of God’s love. It can be both painful and astonishing. I know Nicole loves you. She does not speak of her love but the woman she is when she stands beside you is nothing if not love personified. She has protected you even to her own detriment. Those who heard of Mrs. Stephens’ boasting felt our hearts break for Nicole, but not for you.”

Beth felt the cut of Jacob’s last statement.

He went on. “I will speak only for myself. I expected more from you. I was more disappointed in you than I was angry with Mrs. Stephens. I told myself God had a reason for this. I could not imagine what it was. You see I am but a man. Then I heard you speak of hesed and I was heartened. Yes, God had a reason. God needed to impress upon you the mercy we have the capacity to hold within ourselves. You needed to not only learn the lesson but to share it with your congregation. And by doing so you healed the tear between you and Nicole.”

“I knew you loved her and I believed my own prayers for Nicole were heard and granted. I do not know what happened between you two after the fire. I know Nicole’s love for you is constant in spite of the pain she feels. I know that she is doing her best to accept the grace of life with humility seeking the goodness in herself and in you. She has decided that she must distance herself from you. Now that she has sold the Elysian Fields she will not return. You are the only one who can bring her back. I do not doubt your love for her. I do, however, doubt your love for yourself. I doubt whether you will allow God to love you and give you the gift of Nicole. I shall be so bold to say, my dear Beth, that you are betraying your God by listening to those too blind to see the truth that love between two women is as holy as love between a man and a woman.”

Jacob watched Beth as she involuntarily shed a few silent tears. “I say this because I am fond of you and I believe that you and Nicole can share with each other what I have shared with my Liza. We should all know that God loves us. We should not need proof. But some of us need a little more help than others. You and I are alike in that way. I tell you I have paid a high price for my life. It is a price I was able to bear because God gave me Liza.”

Beth pleaded. “Jacob, please stop.”

He nodded. “I have said enough.” Jacob got up and walked to the door. He turned to the shattered priest. “Beth, talk to David. Let him help you. There will always be a place for you in the Christian world. It may simply not be St. Ann’s. And if I’m wrong you can always become a Reform Rabbi.”

Beth laughed through her tears. Jacob smiled again. He stepped out of Beth’s office closing the door behind him. He longed to return to his office where Liza would be waiting for him.

~~~

Ties bound and unbound

~~~

The past few days had shaken Beth to her core - first Jacob, then David. Both challenging her to open her heart, to see herself as worthy of the place in the world she allowed only in her dreams.

David had recognized Nicole’s love for Beth. He admitted to Beth that he was skeptical of her feelings for Nicole. In part because of his own bias. He knew Beth’s life would be far less complicated if the depth of her emotions remained unmoved. He reasoned New Years Eve might have been for the best. He, like Jacob, considered Beth’s homily on hesed a watershed. He knew he had to simply wait for the repercussions to let themselves be known. The movement of the two women back into each other’s life though cautious was inevitable. In his eyes they remained steadfast to one another.

David suspected that Nicole’s growing distance to him was an act of self-preservation. He knew his position in the church made it too dangerous for Nicole to confide in him. Thus it wasn’t what she said but what remained unsaid that fueled his suspicions. David raised the same unanswered question to Beth. “What happened after the fire? What happened at their last meeting?” David also noted that Beth was no longer wearing her cross. He wondered had her faith been so deeply shaken.

Beth had sat in David’s office feeling her gradual separation from him and St. Ann’s. She finally said the words that had been waiting for her voice. “I need to leave the church.”

David’s response carried the full extent of his compassion. “Yes, I know. Beth, the Episcopal Church isn’t the only one in town. Give yourself the time you need. You are too talented. You have too much to give to let the Mrs. Stephens of the world rob you of your calling. I want to someday sit with you at the ecumenical table. Beth, if you can’t come back to the ministry I hope you can at least find your way back to wearing the cross with a sincere love for God.”

“Thank you David.”

“What are you going to do?”

Beth had made her plans. “I need to go back to Riverton and then Atlanta. I know it’s asking a lot but I was wondering if I could borrow one of the cars.”

“Of course.” David wanted to know. “How about Boston?”

Beth considered the implied. “I’ll let you know. I have to take this one step at a time.”

~~~

Amends

~~~

“Hello?”

“Ms. Thera. This is Andrew at the front desk. There is a Ms. Kelly to see you.” Andrew waited for a response. “Ms. Thera?”

Nicole struggled to maintain her composure. “Yes Andrew. Could you ask her to wait for me at the restaurant? I’ll be down in a few minutes.”

“Of course.” Andrew returned the receiver onto its cradle. He crisply conveyed Nicole’s message. “Ms. Thera suggest you wait for her at our restaurant. It is down the corridor to your left.”

Beth felt the tepid air surround her. It brought no comfort.

It had been three weeks since Nicole’s return to Boston. Having heard no word from Beth she had begun anew the effort to separate herself from the young woman. She stood before her desk considering a small box that kept vigil for Beth. What lay in that box was the one weight of hope Nicole had refused to abandon. She picked up the box and dropped it in her blazer pocket.

Beth sipped her tea trying to subdue her fear. She told herself that if she could withstand the force of her father she could somehow find the means to confront the forthcoming Nicole. Her doubts rose with each passing tick of her watch.

The final words between her and her father were seared into her soul. He would not relent. He demanded from her an obedience she concluded he had no right to. Their emotions ran high. So too their voices.

Frederick’s objection was intended to close the subject. “How many more times do we have to have this conversation. There must be something you are not telling me. What is so important that you would leave the church!”

Beth steeled herself. Her voice was remarkably calm. “The woman I love.”

Frederick stared at his daughter. The meaning of what she said slowly seeped into his pours. It felt like poison. “Get out!”

Beth reached out. “Father please listen to me.”

Frederick was stone. “I have no daughter in you.”

Beth paused. She saw her father for who he was. There could be no more allowances made. “I have never known what it feels like to have a father.”

He was stunned by the brutal simplicity of Beth’s confession. “Are you determined to hurt me?”

Beth shook her head. “No. I just want you to know what I’ve just realized. I have no choice to make. I never did. If you love me or not is your choice, not mine.”

Going to see Marie was only somewhat easier. Marie was bewildered. As much as Beth affirmed the constancy of her faith she said she simply did not belong in the Episcopal Church.

Marie questioned her older sister. “Where do you belong Beth?”

Beth was truthful. “I’m not sure. I want to stay in Chicago. I’ve contacted the University of Chicago about their Ph.D. program.”

Marie confirmed. “Theology.”

Beth smiled. “Yes. That hasn’t changed.”

“What are you going to do with a Ph.D.?”

“Teach or go back to the ministry with a denomination that will have me without apology.”

Marie shook her head in confusion. “Wait a minute. I thought you said you left the church. Did they kick you out?”

Beth conceded. “They would have.”

Marie could not believe her Beth could have done anything to deserve such a fate. “Why?”

This was the moment Beth dreaded. “Because I fell in love with a woman.”

Marie burst out in laughter. “You’re serious!”

“Yes.”

Marie tried to compose herself. “I’m sorry Beth. This is just too good. I thought I was the non-conformist. You’ve got me beat hands down. So, what’s her name?”

Beth looked down to her hands. “Nicole.”

Marie chuckled. “I can’t believe my big sister is making it with a woman. Dad will have a heart attack when you tell him.”

“I’m not and he didn’t.”

“What?” Marie sought clarification.

Beth braced herself. “I’m not with Nicki and Father didn’t have a heart attack.”

Marie felt a rare pride in her sister. “You told the old man.”

Beth nodded.

“What did he say?”

Beth could not separate herself from the pain of his words. “I’m not his daughter.”

“That’s a relief.” Marie paused. “I’m not helping am I? Beth, I wish I could say I’m sorry but I’m not. It’s about time you got out from under his thumb.”

Beth remained silent.

Marie’s voice notched up. “And what do you mean you’re not with Nicole?”

“It’s a long story.”

Marie made it clear. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Beth stopped herself short of soliciting another rejection. “You’re not…”

“I’m not what?”

“I didn’t know how you would react. I was afraid you would feel the same way as Father.” Beth couldn’t withstand Marie’s unrelenting scrutiny and one again looked down to her empty hands.

“Damn, that’s an insulting thing to say.”

Beth smiled to herself. Trusting the hint of sarcasm in Marie’s voice she looked over to her younger sister.

Marie wore a broad grin. “Tell me about her, Beth.”

“Hello.”

Beth broke away from her reverie. Nicole was stunning in jeans, a black sweater and gray blazer. Beth never allowed herself to dwell on Nicole’s beauty. Now she felt she was drowning in it. “Hi.”

Nicole sat down. She waited patiently for Beth to begin. Beth met Nicole’s eyes for a heartbeat and then diverted her gaze to her teacup.

“Good evening.” Beth’s waitress returned with a pot of decaffeinated coffee.

Nicole turned her attention to their waitress. “Hi Sandy. You read my mind.”

Sandy smiled. “Anything else?”

Nicole responded warmly. “No, thank you.” Nicole reconsidered. “Sandy, we could use some space.”

Sandy lifted the coffeepot. “Sure. Just let me know when you’re ready for a warm up.”

Nicole reverted to her waiting posture.

Beth closed her eyes gathering the threads of thought that threaten to unravel in chaos. She raised her gaze to Nicole. “Nicki. There is something I need to say to you.”

Nicole encouraged. “I’m listening.”

“You were right about so much.” Beth struggled to find the words. “I’ve left the priesthood.”

Nicole leaned back. She hadn’t expected this from Beth.

Beth continued. “I can’t live a lie. I can’t go against my vows. The only way I could have stayed was to remain without a love of my own and I don’t believe that’s what is meant for me. Not anymore.” Beth looked away in thought. “Others can try to change the church from within but that’s not my calling. I don’t want to spend my energy trying to change the Episcopal Church when there is so much else I can do in another church that already accepts me for who I am.”

Nicole questioned whether Beth understood the repercussions of her decision. “And you’re willing to live with the consequences?”

Beth compressed the past three weeks into one declaration. “David is supportive. My father has disowned me and my sister wants to meet you.”

“Meet me? Why?” Nicole wondered what role Beth had cast for her.

Beth spoke with renewed confidence. “Because I love you and I want to share my life with you.”

Nicole was incredulous. “Just like that?”

Nicole’s tone jettisoned Beth from her romantic notions of a blissful reunion. She responded meekly. “No.” She took hold of the table with her hands. Nicole remembered the gesture from times past. Beth looked up again. “Nicki, I’m sorry. Please forgive me. If you can’t love me. If I’ve destroyed what you felt for me….”

Nicole interrupted. “Sometimes I don’t think I know you at all.”

Beth corrected Nicole. “You’re wrong. There are things I need to tell you but Nicki you were right that first night when you looked at me and said you knew me. You did. You do. You’ve seen me better than I’ve seen myself.”

Nicole considered Beth. She reached into her pocket and retrieved the small box placing it before Beth.

Beth was mystified.

Nicole encouraged. “Open it.”

Beth reached over and took it in hand. She hesitated looking once again to Nicole for reassurance. Nicole smiled. Beth opened the box. Her eyes held to the gold cross and chain.

Nicole explained. “It got tangled in my coat belt. I didn’t realize I had it until I was getting into the taxi. It was the only thing I had of yours. I wasn’t ready to give it up.”

“I don’t know what to say.” Beth held the chain and cross in her hand. The weight of it was overwhelming. She wasn’t prepared to consider all that it meant to her, not at that moment. She put the cross back into the box and closed the cover over it. “Thank you.”

“Where are you staying?”

“I’ve got a room waiting for me at the Youth Hostel.”

Nicole entreated. “Stay with me. I have plenty of room.”

Beth hesitated. “Nicki, I don’t know what I can give you right now.”

“Stay with me Beth. It’s the weekend. We’ll take it easy.”

Beth allowed herself to find sanctuary in Nicole’s deep sapphire eyes. “My things are in my car.”

They talked pass midnight. Beth opened herself to Nicole by telling one story after another of her life in Riverton. There was the story of a happy childhood that crumbled after the shock of her mother’s death. There was the story of how she and Marie were subjected to their father’s unchecked piousness. He was certain that the lost of his wife was a reflection of a great wrong in their life. Beth spoke of her daily escape to her grandmother’s home, the slow painful estrangement from her sister as they each went on their separate paths, Marie’s ultimate rejection of everything in Riverton including Beth herself. It was Beth who first mentioned her father’s letter, a letter written in response to Beth’s confession that she was considering leaving the priesthood, a confession that first was spoken during her trip back to Riverton for her grandmother’s funeral. Beth described the nature of her Christmas visit to Iowa and Jacob’s most recent visit. And finally, Beth told of the final breach with her father and her reconnection with Marie.

They laid in Nicole’s bed. Beth rested against Nicole as Nicole stroked Beth’s hair providing an unspoken comfort. Nicole reckoned Beth’s stories with what she knew or thought she knew about Beth. Nicole now understood the trigger of that one unspoken night of Beth’s tears. She had a sense of Beth’s vulnerability on New Years Eve, so soon after her confrontation with her father. Nicole could not pretend to understand or emphasize completely. At the same time the stories made it easier for Nicole to forgive past wrongs.

Nicole woke to an empty bed. She whispered Beth’s name. For a moment she doubted the previous evening. Had it been a dream? Beth’s overnight bag resting on a chair reassured Nicole that she had not indeed been dreaming.

Beth sat on the living room couch, her legs tucked underneath her. Nicole approached and sat across from Beth on the coffee table. She noted that Beth held the cross and chain in her hand. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

“Have you been up long?”

“A while.” Beth was solemn. “Nicki, what are we going to do?”

“You mentioned staying in Chicago and studying at the U.”

“But you sold the Fields.”

“I can have my consulting home base almost anywhere I want. And there is something you don’t know.” Nicole waited for Beth to look at her. “I have a six month option to buy back into the development. There could be another Fields. Would you feel comfortable living so close to St. Ann’s?”

“I’m not sure.”

Nicole offered a compromise. “We could get a place in Hyde Park. You could walk to school.”

“We?”

“I can’t imagine living without you.”

“Nicki, we’re so different.”

“Yes, isn’t it wonderful. Tall and not. Dark and fair. Greek and Irish. Celtic music and Gregorian chants. German Expressionist and Impressionist. Italian and Indian food. Have I missed anything important?”

Beth raised up her cross.

Nicole went down to one knee. “May I?” She took the cross from Beth’s fingertips. She opened the clasp. “I know you have to make your peace with this cross and everything it means to you. I have a feeling it’s not going to be easy especially having a heathen like me in your life. I’ll probably be an embarrassment to you. It’s bad enough for you as a theologian to love a woman but a non-believer too. That’s bold.”

“I don’t care.”

“Oh, I think you will. You are too close to your God not to.” Nicole secured the cross around Beth’s neck. “Remember, I’m the one in the minority here, not you. Beth, I’m not going to change. And I don’t ever want you to think that I would have you change.” Nicole touched the cross. “Did I ever tell you that I’ve admired your faith. It’s true to who you are. I would be happy to see you find your way back to a church just as long as you feel the value of who you are while you’re in it.”

Beth explored possibilities. “What if I decide to teach?”

“Academia? I’ll manage if you remind me every once in a while that you love me.”

“I do love you.”

“There you go!”

“Nicki.” Beth reached out hesitantly.

Nicole leaned forward and gently kissed Beth.

Beth trembled. “Nicki, I’ve never…You’ll be my first.”

“I know.”

Beth felt far too fragile. “I’m not….”

Nicole understood. “When the time is right we’ll both know it. Have faith.”

~~~

Hyde Park

~~~

Beth stayed with Nicole for a week before returning to Chicago. David allowed her to remain at St. Ann’s while she made arrangements for a new home. She met with her Bishop. He too was understanding. He admitted that there were members of the church clergy who were gay and lesbian and discreetly lived a complete life. Beth reaffirmed she would not make that choice for herself nor for Nicole. She proceeded to formally begin the application process to the University of Chicago.

Nicole contacted Chamberlain and Kate informing both that she would be exercising her option on Elysian Fields sale. Nicole’s commitments kept her in Boston for the majority of the following two months. She flew to Chicago three times to meet with Chamberlain and to consider the potential apartments and furniture Beth had chosen for them.

Nicole drove her Jeep back from Boston. The extent of her belongings remained limited. Living in hotels and extended stay apartments left her wanting for little. Since the fire her purchases consisted solely of a limited wardrobe and books. The Philadelphia and Boston used booksellers provided plenty of opportunities to explore for replacements of those lost in the fire. Many of the books in her original library were out of print. Even if new editions were available she had a particular appreciation for the look and feel of older volumes. In the passing months she had the pleasure of making a few choice finds.

It was past eight in the evening when she arrived at her new home. She parked in the apartment’s designated parking stall behind the building, a valuable commodity in the neighborhood. She sat in the Jeep knowing that upon entering the apartment she would be entering a new life, one that was no longer measured by her sole needs and expectations but that also included those of Beth. Nicole would not sleep alone, awake alone, come home to unshared space. She knew her aloneness would always be with her but it was now connected inexplicably to another soul. Nicole’s connection with Beth only grew stronger and with it Nicole’s desire to be with Beth. The daily telephone calls and countless emails were insufficient recompense for their separation.

Nicole walked up the stairs with her garment bag and laptop case, one on each shoulder and a small box of books under her arm. Their apartment rested on the second of the three story brick building. The building had a musty smell to it unlike the crisp clean scent of the Fields. The difference was not unpleasant. It was another indication of the change in her life. Nicole chose to ring the doorbell instead of struggling with the keys Beth had sent her.

The door opened. A radiant Beth with an infectious smile stood on the other side. “Hi.”

Nicole found herself breathless. She returned the smile with a sigh. “Hi.”

A number of heartbeats passed without motion. Nicole felt a profound joy blend with the fatigue of carrying the weight of her things up the stairs. “Beth, do you think I might be able to come in?”

Beth was unmoved. “I’ve missed you.”

Nicole echoed. “And I’ve missed you.”

Beth reached out. “Let me take that.”

Nicole handed Beth the box and followed her inside. The apartment was large. In addition to the living room, dining room and remodeled kitchen it had a sunroom, two full baths and two bedrooms - one to be used as a den. The floor was oak; oak moldings encompassed the floorboards as well as the ceilings. It had built in bookshelves and a natural fireplace in the living room. The latter was one of the few amenities missing from the loft. The textured plaster walls were newly painted white. The apartment did not have the expansive, modern feel of the loft. It was classic old Chicago.

Nicole scanned the room. The furniture she and Beth had chosen together rested comfortably in the space. They had decided upon the Prairie style of simple lines and lighter woods. “I like this.”

Beth was pleased. “It’ll take time before it feels like a home.”

“It’s home Beth.” Nicole turned to the younger woman.

Beth felt a pull towards Nicole. She redirected her focus. “Hey, what’s in this?”

“My books.”

“I’ll put them in the den.” Beth left the room in search for the equilibrium that had suddenly abandoned her.

Nicole put her computer case and garment bag down. Her hand stroked a dining room chair. It was solid and so very real. She needed the reassurance that what was before her was not an illusion.

Beth returned. “Are you hungry?”

“No thanks. I’ve eaten.”

“Thirsty?”

“I’m fine Beth.”

“Would you like a tour?”

Nicole nodded. Beth went to Nicole and shyly took her hand. Nicole followed as they toured the sunroom, kitchen and den. Upon reaching the bedroom Nicole noted the lone mattress lying on the floor. Beth offered. “I talked to the store again today. The furniture should be delivered in about a week. We have to rough it until then.”

Nicole spoke softly. “No problem.”

Beth felt Nicole’s distance. “Nicki. Is everything all right?”

Nicole squeezed Beth’s hand gently. “Yes. This is wonderful. I’m just tired and I could use a shower.”

“Go ahead and wash up. I’ll make some tea.”

Nicole hesitated in releasing Beth. They had both been very careful in any demonstration of physical intimacy. Their occasional kiss was light and brief. They rarely embraced outside of their shared bed. It was only in their bed that they held to a constant embrace and few accompanying words. Nicole would not break her promise not to ask more than Beth was willing to give. Nicole kept her word by remaining silent both physically and verbally. Beth, in turn, was uncertain of how to express her growing longing.

Nicole entered the living room wearing a long white terry cloth robe. Her hair had grown to the length of her shoulders. It fell wet, combed back.

Beth waited on the couch with a mug of tea in hand. “Better?”

“Yes.” Nicole sat in a chair across from Beth.

Beth set her mug aside and got up. Nicole followed the young woman’s movement with her eyes. Beth took a small package from the coffee table and knelt beside Nicole. “This is for you.”

Nicole accepted the package without a word. She considered Beth’s intent gaze for a moment and then returned her care to the package. The weight of it told her it was a book. She was curious what book Beth would have given her. Her answer came as she tore the brown paper, revealing an older, leather bound edition of The Odyssey. Nicole opened the book and turned the pages one by one, allowing her fingertips to take up the sensation of the aged, somewhat rough pages. Nicole looked up to an attentive Beth. “Thank you.”

Beth had watched Nicole’s thoughtful consideration of the book. There was no doubt that Nicole liked the gift. Still, Nicole’s reserve was disconcerting. “Nicki?”

Nicole’s studied the book. “Yes.”

“I love you.”

Nicole felt the immensity of Beth’s statement and was at a loss of how to respond. She closed the volume thoughtfully. She felt Beth’s hand rest over her own. The gentle woman’s voice came to her once again. “Nicki, please talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.”

Nicole took a deep breath before raising her eyes to Beth. “You don’t understand, do you?” Nicole paused. Beth cocked her head in consideration. Nicole continued. “I’ve never had this before. I’ve never lived with…I’ve never loved like this before. I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you. I just feel very grateful….I’m feeling very quiet inside. Telling you that I love you just doesn’t feel like enough….Beth, I don’t know what to do.”

Beth understood and she knew what was to be done. She leaned forward and tentatively kissed Nicole. Nicole responded with equal caution. Beth did not withdraw. She continued to explore Nicole. Her hand traveled behind Nicole’s neck strengthening her embrace. Nicole’s passion rose up from her core breaking through to the surface. She knew soon nothing would stop her from taking Beth. She needed to rein in her desire. She pulled away. Beth leaned back confused. “Nicki?”

Nicole struggled to find her voice. When she spoke it was but a hush. “I want you.” She hadn’t the courage to look Beth in the eye.

Beth smiled a bittersweet smile to herself. How she loved Nicole. How her heart broke for Nicole. “Your promise…”

Nicole was apologetic. “I’m trying to keep that promise.”

“Nicki.” Now it was Beth who wrestled with the spoken language. How could the simplest of words be so difficult? “Nicki. You’ve kept your promise longer than you needed to. Longer than I wanted you to. I didn’t know how to tell you. Nicki, please make me yours. Please make love to me.”

Nicole did not understand the press in heart, why it was so painful to love Beth. Nicole was splintering apart. She was in the presence of the impossible and was humbled and awed by the very simplicity of it. Beth was hers yet never would Beth be a possession. Beth’s touch was a gift. Beth’s smile, Beth’s tears, Beth complete was a gift. Nicole recalled Beth’s words.

**

We all have the divine capacity to perform an act of hesed…it can be quite ordinary - as ordinary as a kiss…we should be attentive when such an act is placed at our feet so that we don’t trample upon it…We may feel compelled to hold to the past when in fact our truth has been reshaped and now carries a different face in the present…Imitating the divine initiative hesed comes without being deserved just as our first breath of life.

**

Nicole moved forward. With a modest hesitancy she kissed Beth who met Nicole in her own gradual approach. Nicole’s confidence grew with each brush with Beth’s hungry lips. Her heart and breath quicken. With her arm she guided Beth to her. She stood up taking Beth with her. Nicole’s desire burst free. She knew in her soul that she would not be turned away on this night.

Beth allowed Nicole to usher her body. Beth’s hands unraveled the tie of Nicole’s robe freeing the terry cloth to fall to the sides. Beth stepped inside their folds. Nicole’s nakedness was beauty unadorned. Beth felt Nicole’s kisses begin to explore more than just lips and mouth. Nicole traveled to cheek and ear and neck. Beth raised herself up wanting to lessen the distance between them. Her body longed to meet Nicole at center of this shared journey. Beth’s hand traveled to Nicole’s back pressing the woman closer to her. The embrace helped Beth maintain her balance for her legs were growing weak.

Nicole’s hands found themselves pulling Beth’s shirt from her jeans. They explored the soft skin underneath. Unsatisfied Nicole’s long practiced hands moved forward and released Beth’s shirt buttons. Beth welcomed the exposure. More of her could now feel Nicole. They continued to seek each other out, inch by inch. Returning to territories that promised pleasure.

Nicole passions were reaching a breaking point, a place within her that abandoned the world as insignificant, a place that consumed her senses completely. In one grand sweep Nicole lifted Beth into her arms. She took Beth’s mouth deeply probing with her tongue as she carried Beth into the bedroom. She gently placed Beth upon the mattress. For a moment she considered the young woman, allowing Beth to speak to her in the midst of their silence. Beth reached up and stroked Nicole’s cheek. Permission granted Nicole returned to Beth. She lifted Beth up and unclasped her bra. With a gentle stroke Nicole swept Beth’s shirt down from her shoulders and arms. She then guided Beth back down to the mattress. Nicole took Beth’s bra straps and moved then forward. Beth was content to cooperate with the fluid motions. Soon Beth found herself laying on the mattress with Nicole leaning over her. Nicole renewed her explorations. Her lips traveled to Beth’s breasts, taking each into her mouth, biting the nipples to their bold hardness. Beth arched her back as the electric sensations traveled through her. Her hand rested behind Nicole’s head encouraging the exploration.

Nicole’s unsated desire demanded more. Nicole went to Beth’s jeans and opened the button and zipper. As much as Nicole hated to separate herself from the sweetness of Beth she raised herself up and with equal impatience and tenderness she removed Beth’s shoes and socks. Nicole then pulled Beth’s jeans and panties off. Sitting back on her heals Nicole took in the vision of a naked Beth. Her Beth.

Beth felt Nicole’s observant eyes. She felt a momentary insecurity. She doubted if she could meet Nicole’s standard. She doubted whether she was indeed a woman Nicole could desire.

“You are so beautiful.” Nicole sang. Her hand made the ascent up Beth’s leg to her hip. Nicole moved her body over Beth like a gentle wave. The reward of flesh to flesh was overwhelming for both of them. Beth could not even consider words. Her body took dominion over her very existence. Heart and soul were fused with the sensations of touch.

Nicole returned to Beth’s lips. Gently taking hold and releasing them. There was no hurry. Beth raised herself up to meet Nicole. She not only wanted Nicole, she trusted Nicole. Beth wove each of her hands into Nicole’s and pressed with all her strength. Nicole returned with equal pressure. For a moment their bodies held soul against soul. Their joining was one of power. Neither overtook the other. They gave of themselves to the other. They relinquished the need to control, to protect themselves from harms that could be done. They surrendered. They accepted the other’s surrender knowing the covenant they were creating was a lifetime promise. It was Nicole who first released her hold giving Beth the right to lead them both. Beth’s hands moved to Nicole’s shoulders, traveling down to her breasts. She raised herself and took one of Nicole’s breast into her mouth. Nicole’s supple flesh was intoxicating. Nicole bowed her head down keeping Beth within her sight. Beth released Nicole and cocked her head up seeking a kiss. Nicole granted the seeker her quarry.

Nicole offered a restrained, tender passion as she explored Beth’s most intimate folds and spaces. Nicole’s tentative touch was in consort with her faithful regard. Beth allowed Nicole to carry her forward. She fixed her gaze upon Nicole holding it steadfastly, finding within it a refuge from her fear.

Sensations provoked from Beth involuntary moans and stirrings. With each Beth felt Nicole’s explorations ease until Beth returned to Nicole, meeting her gaze anew, silently reassuring Nicole to continue. Nicole listened, observed, learned Beth’s body. Beth’s breaths quicken. Her physical hold upon Nicole tighten as her body neared release. Beth cried out as she climaxed. Nicole continued her rhythmic strokes until Beth pleaded for her to stop. The first words spoken by either of them in their passion. Beth buried herself into Nicole’s shoulder. Nicole held Beth wanting to safeguard her from all that would do her harm.

Beth whispered. “Hold me.”

Nicole tightened her embrace. She lost all sense of time. She took in and became mesmerized by Beth’s scent. She allowed her nerve endings to transmit to her consciousness the location of each drop of perspiration pressed between them as well as standing free upon her body. She lingered upon the taste of Beth infused in her tongue. She drifted in mind until she felt Beth’s breathing abate and her body rest. To these indications Nicole relaxed.

Beth pleaded once again. “Don’t let go.”

Nicole pulled her voice up from the devastated deep pool of her emotion. She murmured, “I’m here.”

Beth felt her silent tears fall. She could no longer keep her spirit encased. She didn’t know where she was. Nicole had taken her outside herself. In her return she felt placed within an unfathomable world. The immediacy of her life had never been more vividly experienced. Time passed unaccounted.

Beth allowed herself to feel feelings long chastened, feelings reproached as unbefitting. Her return was to herself. A self she never completely experienced. Her return was to Nicole. A woman she would never completely understand but who had the capacity to create a safe haven for her. Ready to seek a gentle release Beth eased her embrace. Nicole acquiesced. Beth kissed Nicole tenderly. She raised her hand and lightly traced Nicole’s lips with her fingertips. Nicole felt a profound fragileness in Beth’s gesture.

It was Beth’s words that cut against the silence. “I love you.”

Nicole smiled. Her gaze delved deeply into Beth’s emerald eyes. In the reflection she saw the grace of life. She accepted it, humbly so, knowing the pure goodness of it. “I am yours, always.”

Beth’s desire quieted. “Rest with me.”

Nicole lifted her body to lie the length of Beth’s. Beth turned to her side. Nicole followed suit enfolding Beth’s body. They lay side by side. Nicole reached back and draped a blanket over them. Beth felt the newness of their shared nakedness. Her hand went to her cross. Her fingers slowly enclosed it. She found the words of a simple silent prayer of gratitude rise from her heart.

Nicole kept watch. When Beth’s hand went to the cross Nicole felt a great relief. She had hope that the searing betrayal of faith Beth had experienced might be healed. Nicole covered Beth’ s hand with her own. Hand over hand, the cross at center, they drifted to sleep.

The End.

*****

NOTES:

Consubstantiation. The doctrine of consubstantiation asserts that the substance of the bread and wine is unchanged, the ubiquitous body of Christ coexisting “in, with, and under” the substance of the bread, and the blood of Christ in, with, and under the wine, by the power of the Word of God.

Transignification: The belief that the in the Eucharist the change of the bread and wine consists merely in a new religious significance resulting in a symbolic divine presence.

Transubstantiation. The dogma that in the Eucharist the bread and wine to be administered become, upon consecration, the actual body and blood of Jesus Christ, even though the external manifestations of the bread and wine-shape, color, flavor, and odor-remain.

Sčvres is famous for its manufacture of porcelain.

*****

Comments always encouraged and appreciated. Mayt@aol.com

Copyright (c) 2001 by Maytee Aspuro

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