Man Enough

BETH BURNETT

CONTENTS

Title Page

Acknowledgments

Dedication

CHAPTERS

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6

7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13

14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18

Epilogue

About the Author

Acknowledgments

I want to thank my sisters, Laura and Dorothy who read every page over and over again as I was writing and editing and rewriting and throwing things away in fits of despair.

My friend Aj Jones who listened to the synopsis of every chapter and either said, “That works” or “That doesn’t sound like something Andy would do.”

Linda Kay Silva, writer and professor extraordinaire, who got tired of me telling her that I wanted to be a writer and finally told me to “Shut up and write.”

John Evjen for designing the cover. Of course, he is family, so he didn’t have a choice. But thank you anyway, John John.

Christine A. Thomas, the amazing editor who put up with me emailing her all of the time saying “Is it ready yet? How about now?”

Finally, much love goes to my friend Kimeleon Hall Considine who stood by me through many long years of not being a very good friend. I love you, Kimothy!

To Professor Silva who forced me to stop talking about it and just do it.

Chapter One

I am on the worst date of my life. Okay, it probably isn’t the worst date of my life. I mean, it definitely isn’t worse than the date with the guy who poured ketchup over all of his food and snapped his gum throughout the entire meal. And it can’t compare to the one with the guy who brought his mother on our first date because he was sure we would all be the best of friends. It is definitely up there on the list of worst dates, though. See, I hate blind dates. They are just one more form of torture in an already humiliating activity. Dating just sucks anyway. I really hate dating. In fact, I haven’t dated in almost two years, but I got into this stupid challenge with my friends and I let my friend Steve set me up with this guy. There is no good reason to think that Steve would be good at setting me up. First of all, he’s gay, so he has an entirely different perspective on what makes a quality man. Secondly, I think he just assumes that as long as two people have orientation in common, they will be a perfect match. “Well, he’s straight, she’s straight. They’re made for each other!” I had never fallen for one of his schemes before, but I have seen the awkward short term matches that have come from his romantic meddling. Why do people in long term relationships always insist on setting up their single friends?

So, I am sitting across the table from a good looking man. He picked a good restaurant, I have to give him that. We are at a new place in downtown Cleveland, known for using only fresh, locally grown produce and, apparently, organic, local meat. My date is tall, blond and handsome. He’s pretty buff, too. I mean, let’s be fair, he is gorgeous. I told him that he kind of looks like a male version of my best friend Andy, but for some reason, he didn’t find that amusing. We’ve been trying to make small talk for an hour now and every time we launch into a new subject, I get more irritated with him. And, by default, Steve.

We started badly when we were ordering. I ordered a raw cashew stir fry. I’m a vegetarian, but I am trying hard to go fully vegan. So far, I haven’t quite gotten there, mostly because of the gourmet grilled cheese sandwiches at my favorite restaurant, Polly’s on Clifton. Anyway, when the waitress came to take our order, he ordered a steak.

“You said on the phone you were a vegetarian,” I said.

“I mostly am. I mainly eat vegetarian, I just like to order steak at restaurants.”

“Well, then you aren’t a vegetarian.”

“Mostly a vegetarian.”

“You lied.”

“Fine, I’ll have the fucking stir fry.”

“That isn’t the point.”

It only got worse from there. I don’t have a television; he apparently has several shows that he can’t miss. In fact, he has already warned me that he has to cut our date off at exactly nine-thirty so that he can be home in time to watch his favorite show. Classy. We’ve already covered music. He thinks Green Day is punk music and his favorite bands are Creed and Nickleback. He doesn’t read Vonnegut. In fact, he doesn’t read at all. And we haven’t even touched on gay rights yet. I am not hopeful.

“So, what do you do for a living … uh … Ted?” I say.

“I couldn’t possibly explain it so that you would understand,” he says, which doesn’t stop him from launching into the world’s longest and most boring explanation of some kind of computer programming. I let my eyes slide away, half-listening, waiting for a moment to say, “uh huh.” I’m having the hardest time paying attention to Ted, anyway, because during his last boring soliloquy, detailing the plot of his favorite television show and the background on all of the characters, I looked over at the table next to me and saw an angel. I don’t mean that in some gooey, romantic sort of way. I mean, if I was a famous casting director and Steven Spielberg called me and said, “Find me an angel for my next movie,” this guy would be my first choice.

Now I can’t forget that he is over there, and though I have been fighting to keep myself from looking over, I feel an actual physical pull turning my eyes toward to him. Every time I look at him, he catches my eye and smiles, a soft, beautiful, commiserating smile. He is sitting there with Sirens of Titan open in front of him, but Im sure he is listening to our pained conversation. In fact, I think I heard him chuckle when Ted and I were discussing our opposing views on great music.

“… And the data stream technology which would parallel the multi-functional code…” Ted is still droning. I risk a glance at the next table. The angel is still there. I can’t keep my eyes off of his face. It is perfect. Literally perfect. He has pale blue eyes, with dark, thick lashes and brows. His jaw is strong, his nose long and straight. He has pale skin and longish dark brown hair.

Ted has finally stopped talking. He seems to be waiting expectantly, so I’m sure he has just asked me a question.

“I apologize, I didn’t hear. Could you repeat that?” I ask.

“I was just wondering what you do for a living.”

“I’m in the fundraising department for The Care Center.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s a foundation that provides counseling and other services to at-risk LGBT youth.”

Ted is looking at me blankly. “LGBT?”

“Lesbian, Gay, Bi, Trans-gender, Transsexual.”

. Ted hasn’t moved or blinked so I continue.

“Well, sometimes these days, you’ll see it as LGBTQ, which some say stands for ‘questioning,’ though others say it stands for ‘queer,’ which really encompasses a broader spectrum of people. Some people think “queer” is a good term for anyone who falls outside of the societal norm, such as gay people, or gender questioning people, gender neutral people, transsexual people, or perhaps someone who does not considered him or herself transsexual, but identifies as one gender, while having the biological sex of the other.”

Ted is starting to look pained. Obviously, I am not explaining this well.

“Transgendered really means anyone who falls outside of the standard binary gender system, in any way at all. Transsexuals are born into the wrong body. So, a person might have been born in a male body, but she knows in her heart that she is female. Whether or not she takes it any further than that is up to her. Some people take hormones or have surgeries, but some don’t want to go through the pain and uncertainty of all of that so they…” I stop myself. “Davey, stop talking,” I whisper.

Ted looks shell shocked. “Excuse me?”

“I’m a babbler. Sorry. I know I’m over-explaining here. The point is that some people have trouble coming to terms with their own orientation, or they might be perfectly accepting, but their parents or their classmates are tormenting them about it. Sometimes a kid just has a question, sometimes he or she needs to know they are not the only one of whatever they are going through. Sometimes it is a kid who has been kicked out of the house and we work to find foster care if they are underage, or help them find jobs and apartments if they are old enough.”

“But, you’re not gay.” He raises his eyebrows.

“No. And?”

“Well, why not work with normal teenagers.”

“Normal?” I choke a bit on the word. This guy can’t be for real. “Who decides the criteria for normal?”

“Oh, please.” Ted is incredulous. “Why would you, if you are actually straight, spend your time giving special help to people who choose to be gay?”

The angel is flat out watching us now. He isn’t even pretending to read. I can feel his stare and for some reason, I feel as if he’s waiting to see what I’m going to say next. I throw a glance at him and he smiles at me.

“Excuse me?”

“It’s unnatural,” Ted is insisting. Unnatural. This from a douche-nozzle who posts pictures of his BMW on his Facebook page. Now, that is unnatural.

I’m sure he’s about to bust out the abomination against nature argument. Or perhaps he is getting ready to use the “But it’s in the Bible” bullshit. I decide to head him off.

“Ted, how old were you when you decided to be straight.”

“Excuse me?”

“Seriously, at what age did you say to yourself, ‘You know, I really want to fuck the pool boy, but no, I choose to be straight?’”

Ted stands up and throws some money on the table.

“Obviously this isn’t going to work.”

I snort. “Obviously.”

“Hey.”

The angel is speaking to me. I look up.

“He’s ignorant and you’re amazing. Don’t let a dick like this ruin your evening.”

Ted turns around and glares at the angel. “Dick? You have a problem, asshole?”

The angel, stands up to his full height which ends at about Ted’s chin and looks up at Ted’s 6 foot four bulk. “No, not a problem, per se,” the angel says. “I’m just wondering how such an ignorant asshole can somehow rustle up the brain cells required to not only come up with individual words, but to string them together in a sentence.”

I can’t help but let out a laugh. The angel glances at me, grinning. Ted is clenching his fists and a vein is starting to throb in his forehead.

“Ted. Come on. Just leave. You don’t care about me. You don’t care about him. Just go.”

Ted looks at the angel one more time, then stalks out of the restaurant. I turn to look at the angel and he looks overjoyed. “That was kind of awesome.”

“What would you have done if he punched you?”

He shrugs. “I would have fought back long enough for someone else to jump in and save me.”

I laugh. “I would have protected you.”

He shakes his head. “No, you would have gotten out of the way. Why else would I be fighting that dick if not to protect you?”

His voice is amazing. I’m enthralled. It’s soft, yet kind of deep. I want him to keep talking.”I didn’t know angels used words like ‘dick.’”

The angel blinks, then grins. “My name is Danny.”

“Danny,” I say flatly. Great, I love it. Danny and Davey. I can’t date this guy, we’d be the Bobbsey Twins. Stupid creative mother. Why couldn’t I have been a Susan? “Well, Danny,” I hold my hand out to shake his. His hand is so soft. I look into his eyes and feel a flush creeping up my face. I am probably losing it, having a post traumatic stress reaction to the horror that was Ted. “Danny. My name is Davey.”

Danny laughs. “Davey. I love it. Danny and Davey. Davey and Danny. That is so cutesy.”

“I knew a Tom and Tanya once,” I say.

“I knew a Chris and Christine,” he laughs.

“I knew the Warrens. Warren one and Warren two. They had matching floor length fur coats. As a vegetarian and an animal lover, I should be ashamed of this, but I loved hugging them goodbye at parties.”

Danny is laughing appreciatively. His laugh is soft, too. His eyes crinkle when he laughs. I’m starting to think like a romance novel. I have got to get out of here.

“Well, thank you,” I say. “I appreciate you stepping in.” I check the bill to make sure Ted has left a big enough tip. Of course, he hasn’t, so I toss in some more money.

“Do you need a ride? He didn’t leave you stranded, did he?”

“No, no, never let a man pick you up on the first date, my mother always says.”

“Well, at least let me walk you to your car,” Danny looks concerned. “Downtown at night isn’t always safe.”

“Danny, I’m fine. I’m parked right next to the entrance.” I turn to go.

“Davey, wait.” Danny runs a hand through his hair. It looks like a casual gesture, but it is probably one of those things guys practice in the mirror. His hair is now adorably messy. I resist the urge to smooth the pieces back into place.

“Just because your date ended badly, doesn’t mean your evening has to end badly,” he says. “Let’s have coffee and dessert and talk.”

I have to admit, I am tempted. I mean, the guy did stand up against Ted. Of course, if they had gotten into a fist fight, Danny would have gotten his ass kicked, but it’s the thought that counts. Still, you can’t just start the date with one guy and end with another, that’s slutty. On the other hand, Andy does it all of the time and look how happy she is. Still.

“Danny, thank you, but I better go. It was nice meeting you.”

Danny is nodding but he looks disappointed. “At least take my number,” he says. “If you want to talk, call me.” Talk, right. He may look like an angel, but he is a guy. On the other hand, he is beautiful. I give him a quick hug and head out to my car. I look back at the angel once more before leaving. He’s still staring at me. I don’t know whether to feel flattered or uncomfortable, so I opt for flattered.

Sitting in my car, I hold my cell phone, trying to decide who to call first. This is obviously Steve’s fault, he set me up with the asshole. But really, this all goes back to Andy and that crap she pulled at the bar last week.

We were sitting at our permanently reserved table at Janie’s Bar. Andy had one of her ridiculously long legs draped over my lap. My other good friend, Lynne, was sitting cross legged in her chair. I was leaning back, arms behind my head, completely relaxed. Several drinks had already been consumed. Andy was buying shots to celebrate a new record in one of her charity races. She is one of those women who would seriously piss off other women if she weren’t a dyke. That’s Andy’s label for herself, by the way. I say she’s a butch, if anything, but really, I generally just call her my best friend. She is six feet tall, with unfairly amazing cheekbones, bright blue eyes, naturally light blond hair and a perfect nose. I hate my nose. Andy and I grew up together. We met in second grade when she was being harassed by two of the tough girls in the class. I screeched up on my bike, hopped off of it, raised it over my head and threw it at one of the girls. Later, Andy said I looked like a seven-year-old Janis Joplin, with a wild eyed rage on my face and my brown hair all frizzed out around my face. It could have been true, anyway, as she died the day I was born, October 4th, 1970. Lynne believes in reincarnation. I’m still not sure what I believe, though I like the idea of coming back and trying again.

This is a normal Thursday routine for us. Janie’s is in Lakewood, a suburb of Cleveland. It is the middle ground between us and Lynne. Andy lives in Bay Village. We both grew up in Bay, but as a grown-up, I can’t afford to live there. So, I am across the tracks in Westlake, still close enough to Andy’s to walk, but far enough away from Bay that I can pay rent and still eat. Lynne lives with her wife in a big house in a section of Cleveland known as Ohio City. Very gay, very hip. Lynne has been married to the same woman for almost fifteen years and the only evening she is truly free is Thursday, when her wife goes to an archery class and then spends the night getting drunk with the boys. Lynne likes to cut up on Thursdays by having several drinks and smoking a joint.

On that particular Thursday, Lynne was in rare form.

“Davey,” she tells me. “I have a theory.”

Oh god, here we go again. Lynne is one of those “I have a theory” stoners. Every time she smokes, she comes up with some interesting new theory, or some deep question we must all answer. Lynne and I met in our twenties at a feminist book club. She asked me out for coffee and we went. I was having a great time, she was having a great time and it wasn’t until she tried to kiss me afterward that I realized that she thought it was a date. Fortunately, she wasn’t that interested in me to begin with and I am one of those liberal, lesbian-loving straight chicks, so instead of either of us being offended, we decided to keep hanging out. I love Lynne because she is utterly adorable. She calls herself a crunchy granola lesbian. Birkenstocks, long, flowing skirts, strands and strands of necklaces, long, flowing hair, very little makeup. We both have dark brown hair and deep brown eyes. We even kind of look alike, except that she is a pixie at about 5’1” and 100 pounds and the only thing pixie about me is my haircut. I am about 5’7” and … well, there’s no need to put a number to my weight. Suffice to say I curve where Lynne indents. She’s soft and vulnerable and I’m big and tough. I may not look like a supermodel, but I could probably squat in a field, pop out a kid, and go back to the harvest.

“Davey, listen. This is important.”

Andy and I looked at each other, shrugged, and motioned Lynne to go on.

“Okay, I have a theory. You are adorable, well-read, financially stable, and a fairly decent cook, but you can’t get a boyfriend.”

“I’ve had plenty of boyfriends.”

“Not recently.”

I groaned. “I know where this is going and, no, I am not secretly a lesbian.”

“Oh, come on,” Lynne persisted. “It all fits. You’re a feminist, you hang around with lesbians, your favorite hang out is a gay bar, you go to a gay male hairdresser, your best friends at work are a gay male couple, you listen to the Indigo Girls, and you find most men extremely irritating.”

“And you have crappy fashion sense,” Andy interjected.

“Fuck you! You wear nothing but men’s jeans and muscle shirts!”

“It’s a butch thing,” Andy smiled. “This is my uniform.”

“At least you don’t have a mullet,” I shot back.

Andy grinned, rubbing a hand over her fuzzy shaved head.

I love Andy. She is the best person I know. She has a warm heart, she is brilliant, she always changes my tires and takes my car in when it needs servicing, and she has never, in the thirty-three years in which we have been friends, not been there for me when I needed it.

It is true that I have crappy fashion sense. My two best friends are lesbians. My two other best friends, Steve and Erik are a couple. And I may find most straight men irritating, but only because I seem to have been flypaper for assholes in the dating department.

I had glared at Lynne as I said, “I find this conversation extremely irritating, we’ve been having the same discussion for years. I can’t help that you two are homos. Of course my best friends at work are gay; I am the only straight person who works in my department! If I was a lesbian, I would be out and proud. I’m proof positive that being gay is not a choice. Trust me, if it was a choice, I would be gay! I would love to be gay. Women are so much more understanding than men.”

Lynne shakes her head. “You haven’t dated anyone in almost two years.”

Andy chuckled and shook her head. “Lynne, come on. I’ve known Davey since we were kids. Despite the fashion issue and the spiky hair, she isn’t a lesbo.”

“Yeah, but you two made out in high school.”

“You made out with guys in high school,” I pointed out.

“Totally different.”

“Totally not different,” Andy said. “You were engaged to what’s-his-nuts with the big hair.”

“Yeah, well, he turned out to be gay, too, so it doesn’t count.”

I shook my head. “Lynne, your insistence that I am a lesbian is no different than a man insisting that you must be straight.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is true,” Andy interjected. “If some guy was always telling me that I must be straight, I would be pretty pissed.”

“No one would mistake you for straight, Andy!”

Andy flexed her biceps. “If they did, I would straight punch them in the trachea!”

“Lynne’s just antsy because she hasn’t had sex for so long.”

“Fuck you.” Lynne shook her head. “You haven’t had sex in almost two years.”

“You haven’t had good sex in almost all of that time.”

“I have good sex.”

“Good sex?” Andy laughed. “You’re so repressed you can’t even cheat on your celebrity crush!”

“I’ve never had a reason to fantasize about anyone other than Ellen,” Lynne shrieked, laughing.

I went to the bar to get more drinks. “Shots!” Andy yelled as I walked away. I bought the round and came back to the table.

The thing is, I really haven’t had sex in almost two years. Not since Joe. Andy keeps saying the only way to get over someone is to get under someone, but that’s not my way. Not that I haven’t had sport sex in my life, but I prefer to be in a relationship. I like to know a guy and trust him before we get jiggy with it. And even that isn’t a guarantee, because I really liked, and possibly loved Joe, and I definitely trusted him — and look how that turned out. Maybe I’ve stopped trying, but it seems to me that there aren’t many men out there worth spending an entire evening with, let alone several.

But that night at the bar, the drinks were setting in. I glared at Lynne from the bar, bothered. She had no room to mock my sex life. She and her wife haven’t had sex in months. In fact, it was always months between encounters. She’s tried everything from sexy lingerie to new toys to flavored lubes, but nothing helps. For years, she took every hint that Andy and I could give her, but eventually she lost interest in trying.

Lynne looked contrite by the time I got back with the drinks. “Davey, you’re right. I’m sorry. It sucks being in a relationship and never having sex.”

“Lesbian Bed Death,” Andy intoned in a deep announcer’s voice. “A very real issue.”

“What would you know about it?” I asked.

Andy shrugged. “I never stay with anyone long enough for the excitement to wear off.”

Lynne looked upset . “We never had much excitement to begin with.”

Andy shook her head. “Frankly, I don’t know why you stay with her.” She turned her attention to me. “And you!”

“What?”

“I know you dated a lot of jerks, but I don’t think being celibate for the rest of your life is the answer.”

“It’s not like it’s a conscious choice,” I answered.

Andy stretched back, looking like some massively muscled cat.

“Well, I think you both need to get laid.”

“This from the woman who once had to figure out a chick’s name by searching through her mail the next morning!” Lynne said, rolling her eyes.

“Hey, I knew her name before I fucked her, I just couldn’t remember it.” Andy laughed. Somehow, she always got away with being a player. She has met and screwed more women than I can count. She rarely stays with one for long, and yet they would keep coming back to her if she gave them the slightest hint of interest. She has a long string of ex-lovers or current lovers who either love her or hate her, but almost every single one of them would come running if she called and promised to change. I have never been able to figure out what keeps these women coming back, but I think it has something to do with hope. They all hope that someday, Andy will decide it’s time to settle down with one woman. This despite the fact that she is unfailingly honest. Andy has never lied to any of the women she has slept with. I don’t get it. Of course, it probably helps that she looks like some giant, blonde goddess who could kill dragons for a girl… Barehanded.

I drag my thoughts back to the present as I dial Andy’s number.

“Hey. How’s your date?” Andy answers.

“Over,” I say. “How’s yours?”

“Same. Coming over?” She sounds amused.

“Be there in a few.”

I walk into Andy’s place and head straight for the kitchen. “Need a beer?”

“I’m good.”

I pop open a can as I walk into the living room. Andy is sprawled on the couch in nothing but a pair of men’s tighty whiteys. I sigh, as I do every time I see Andy naked, or nearly so.

“I want your body.”

“Well, you need to start working out with me.”

“I still wouldn’t look like you.” I grumble.

Andy is laughing. We’ve had this conversation a million times. “You are beautiful just the way you are. Stop comparing yourself to other people, just be happy with you.”

“Oh God, philosophical wisdom from Andrea Eriksson, life coach.” I’m groaning and laughing. There is something so relaxing about a conversation that is always the same. And it isn’t fair, anyway. Maybe if I had the kind of time that Andy has, I would have a perfect body, too. She has no jiggle. None. Not even under her arms. I take in her long, toned legs, that perfect vee of her abs. “Who has the vee anyway?” I growl. “That pisses me off. No one should spend that much time on their abs.”

Andy is laughing hysterically now. She reaches over and pats my belly. “I love your little pot belly,” she chuckles. Pot belly? Okay, I have gained a few pound over the last couple of years. Okay, ten. Well, fifteen. But I’m 5’7, it spreads out. “Dammit, Andy. You’re right, I do have a pot belly.”

“Stop sweating it,” she says. Easy for her to say. Andy is a trust fund baby. What that means is that she works part time in a bookstore for the fun of it and spends a whole bunch of time working out, biking, playing softball, and running in charity races. In other words, her entire life is a chick magnet. I need a hobby.

“Davey baby, you look great. I love the way you look. And so do men. Men with taste, that is. So tell me about your bad date.”

I lean back on the couch, nursing my beer. I’m telling her all about Ted and she laughs in all of the important places. “Hang on, hang on,” she interrupts at one point. She picks up her phone and dials Steve’s cell. “Voicemail,” she mouths. Of course, it’s a Friday night. Steve is young, gorgeous, gay, and in love. Well, maybe not so young. He’s just a couple years younger than me. “Steve, you’re a jackass. Seriously. Ted, the homophobe? Where did you find this idiot?” She hangs up the phone, shaking her head. “You should never have trusted him. He knows nothing about what you need in a man.”

I raise an eyebrow. “And you do?”

Andy nods seriously. “I do. I do, actually.”

She goes into the kitchen and comes back with two beers. She opens one, hands it to me, opens the other.

“A gentleman, Andy. That is what I want.”

“Hell, if your only criteria is someone who opens your beer for you, I’m right here.”

“Ha ha.” I do want a gentleman, though. In this day and age, that might be asking too much. Are there any men left who actually hold doors open for women? I want someone who opens the car door. I wish I smoked, I could judge if I was going to date a guy based on whether or not he lit my cigarettes for me.

“Anyway, this whole ridiculous bet was all your fault.”

“My fault?” Andy looks incredulous. “I had nothing to do with it!”

“Nothing?” I raise my eyebrow at her.

She raised both hands. “Hey, you and Lynne are the ones who got all competitive about it. I just pointed out the obvious.”

Last week, at the bar, after Andy made her comment about Lynne and I needing to get laid, what with the booze and all, Lynne and I might have made a bet about who would have sex first. Should be a no-brainer for her, she is married and all. But I thought I would give it the old college try, hence the date. I made the mistake of mentioning it to Steve and Erik the next day at work. I’m sure Steve thought he was helping when he set me up with Ted, but either way, as of last night’s regular Thursday thing, neither Lynne, nor I had gotten laid and I had just walked out on my one chance. Maybe I should have stuck around and chatted with Danny.

“That reminds me,” I decide to change the subject. “I met an angel.”

Andy lifts her head off of the couch. “An angel?”

“He was beautiful. Face of an angel. For real, though. Voice of an angel, too. Hands of an angel. Eyes of an angel. Vocabulary of a truck driver. And he reads Vonnegut. I could quite possibly fall in love.”

Andy rolls her eyes. “Love. There’s no such thing, baby girl, you know that.”

“Andy, I love you.”

“Totally different.”

“Totally not different,” I snarked back, stealing her favorite line. “I love Lynne. I love my mother. I love Steve and Erik. My grandparents. I could probably count twenty people that I love.” I could, too. I always give my heart freely to my friends and family. I am a great believer in love. I just don’t necessarily believe in soul mate love.

“I love my king-size, pillow top mattress.” Andy is standing up, stretching. “Come on, I’ll walk you to your car.”

“Such a gentleman. Wait. How about your date?”

Andy shrugs. “We weren’t compatible.”

I laugh. “That doesn’t usually stop you from having sex. What’s up?”

Andy perches on the arm of the couch. “She doesn’t have tits.”

I look pointedly at Andy’s small breasts.

“No, not like mine. She literally doesn’t have tits. She’s had them removed.”

“She’s had top surgery? Is she transitioning?”

Andy shrugs again, looking uncomfortable. “Whatever.”

“Andy. What the hell?”

“Hey, I don’t have a problem with transgendered people. I just don’t want to date one.”

“If she’s transitioning, wouldn’t she be transsexual? And shouldn’t we be saying him?”

Andy shrugs again and finishes her beer in one long gulp.

“Kind of odd for you to end up with a FTM anyway.” It didn’t really make sense to me. Most female to male trans-gendered people were usually pretty manly looking. Not really Andy’s regular type. Not that she is that picky. Andy’s spectrum on what is attractive in a woman is pretty broad. She usually has to look like a woman, though. Andy is not a butch who dates other butches.

“She was kind of androgynous. I thought she was cute. Then we got to talking a little more in depth … apparently, she is not transitioning. She considers herself neither. Or both. Or sometimes one, sometimes the other. She’s taken testosterone before. She’s had her tits cut off. Look, it just isn’t my scene!”

I decide this is time for another couple of beers. I pop one open for Andy, then sprawl back out on the couch, taking a big swig of mine.

“Andy, I’ve talked to a few people like that. They believe gender is fluid. They don’t necessarily want to be one or the other, they believe that they can be both, or neither.”

“It’s creepy.” Andy looks irritated.

I’m shocked. Andy has been confusing people about her gender since puberty. To me, she looks nothing like a man, but that doesn’t stop people from accosting her in the ladies room and telling her she is in the wrong place. If anyone is going to be sympathetic to gender issues, it should be her.

“Andy, really? Come on, sex is physical, gender is emotional and mental.”

“Look, I can buy it when a woman is born in a man’s body and goes through the procedures to make him female, or vice versa. Not that I would date a woman who used to be a man. But at least I can understand it. But cutting your own tits off just so people can’t classify you as one gender or another is ridiculous. You are one or the other. Period.”

“Andy, you should do some research. There’s a whole movement of people who don’t believe that you have to fall under society’s rules for binary gender.”

“I must be old.”

“Well, you’re old school.” I grin at her.

“They come out to the same thing,” Andy sighs. “Look, in my day, there were butches and femmes, but we were still all women. Stone butches, diesel dykes, baby dykes, whatever. I dress like a man, I work out like a man, and I am damn sure there isn’t a man around who could kick my ass. But I am still a woman. It just is.”

I decide to let it go. For now. Andy is obviously upset so I plant a kiss on her head. “Come on, old school butchy one, put some clothes on and escort me to my car and save me from the evils of this uppity suburb.”

Chapter Two

I wake up in the world’s most comfortable bed, in the world’s crappiest apartment. First of all, I love my bed. It was a present from my mother. My mom has about as much earning power as I do, so I know this was a stretch, but damn, this is the most comfortable bed I have ever slept in. It is soft and huge. I splurged on expensive sheets and big, fluffy pillows, so the entire sleeping experience is amazing. Maybe this is one of the reasons I don’t have sex more often. I think a guy would have to be pretty special to bring him into this bed. This is a bed meant for cuddling and reading the Sunday papers with someone I find incredible. It’s a seriously awesome bed.

My apartment, on the other hand, sucks. Look, it isn’t as if I expected to get rich doing what I do. I love my job — I do it because I love it. I love making a difference, I love helping people. Not that it isn’t stressful as all hell, it is. For every one person that you help, it seems there are ten that fall through the cracks. I want everyone to be happy and that is definitely not possible in my job. So, I’ve accepted that I will never be rich. But I sometimes wish I had a better place to live. Andy’s little ranch house is perfect. Sparsely decorated with hardwood floors and bright throw rugs. She has afew expensive pieces of furniture, a mahogany desk, a beautiful butcher’s block table. I wouldn’t mind a little place like that. I wouldn’t even mind a place like Lynne’s. Well, technically it belongs to Sarah, Lynne’s wife, but they’ve lived in it together now for almost the entire fifteen years they have been together. It’s a fantastic house, one of those big, old, two-story, multiple bedroom deals, but way overcrowded with too much stuff. Neither Lynne, nor Sarah ever throw anything away, so the entire house is crammed with a lifetime’s worth of “stuff we once loved.” And Lynne is one of those people who wants to try everything, but loses interest quickly. So there are huge bins full of art supplies from Lynne’s painting phase. There are boxes full of pieces of broken glass from that time she decided to make broken glass table tops. There is an entire bookshelf filled with different language tapes. “Learn to Speak Latin. Learn to Speak French. Learn to Speak Spanish.” There are little scraps of paper everywhere from that time she decided she could probably learn origami. I understand and even applaud her desire to learn how to do something, anything. I have no cool talents, either. Andy is good at everything. Sarah plays the guitar and is an excellent archer. My mother is an expert seamstress and an expert sharpshooter. Yeah, I’m serious. Steve and Erik are both part time volunteer actors with a little local playhouse. And here Lynne and I just drift along with no interesting hobbies or talents. Andy says my greatest talent is being a warm and loving person and making the world a better place. Yeah, that’s great, but you know, what about motorcycle racing or mountain climbing?

So anyway, here I am in my first floor crappy one bedroom apartment, with thrift store furniture and thrift store dishes and thrift store art. It’s just small. The living room has room for my couch, a couple of chairs and my bookshelves. I collect books, I can’t help it. I figure if you have to have an addiction, that’s the best one to have. But my apartment is so tiny, the books are threatening to take over. The only great thing in my apartment, as I said, is my bed. Oh, and a full-size black and white poster of Angie Lee, a totally fit body-building chick. She’s my inspiration to work out and get fit. Or, at least, she’s my inspiration to think about working out and getting fit.

Speaking of which, one good thing came of my talk with Andy last night; she gave me some motivation to work out. Maybe I will never have a body like hers, but I could have a strong, sleek, power body. I could get some muscles. I could be athletic. Never mind that the one time Andy tried to teach me how to play softball, I somehow caught the ball, then managed to throw it into my own face. Today is the day I start my exercise routine. Today is the first day of my quest to become super-fit. P90X, you’re next. I start looking at the instructions for P90X. Wow, this looks really hard. Maybe for today, I should start slow. Okay … this yoga video looks good. New Yoga pants, check. Cute yoga top from Expressions. Damn, muffin top. That’s horrible. Never mind. A t-shirt is better anyway. Loose, comfortable clothing for the movements. Deep breathing. Oh, tree pose. I love yoga. Breathe in, breath out. Bend at the waist, go into plank, downward dog. This isn’t so bad. Five minutes. That’s good for a start. I can’t see the tape anymore anyway, the sweat is dripping in my eyes. Note to self, get a headband for next time. I am really sweating. I grab a bottle of water and head to the fridge. Now that I have started the morning with a good workout, I should fuel my body with something healthy. An apple, some organic peanut butter. Today, I will finally commit to veganism full time, as well. No more grilled cheese sandwiches. They aren’t good for me, anyway. Those delightfully gooey, four cheese sandwiches piled high with avocado. No. I won’t think about them. I will eat my healthy breakfast and bring a lunch. Yes, that’s what I will do. Bring a lunch so I can skip going into Polly’s. That way, I won’t even be near that four-cheese, grilled piece of temptation. And I’ll walk! I will walk at lunch.

There’s the door. Who would be up at this hour on a Saturday. Lynne. Lynne? I’m looking at Lynne with a sinking feeling. She is standing at my front door, holding a suitcase and a cat carrier. Harry, her ridiculously overweight, extremely cranky orange tabby cat is in the carrier looking even more pissed than usual. My stomach flip flops.

“Lynne, sweetie, what’s going on?”

“Sarah and I had a huge fight. I’m leaving. I need a place to stay for a couple of nights while I get myself together.”

She stalks into the room, tosses the suitcase down on my sofa and gently places the cat carrier on the floor. I look around at my tiny apartment. “Lynne, of course you are welcome, but Andy has a spare bedroom. Wouldn’t it make more sense to go to her place?”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Lynne says. “Sarah is already jealous of Andy. If I move in with her, there is no way we will ever get back together.”

It’s true. Sarah is jealous of Andy. Of course, if I was married and my spouse’s friend was a six foot tall blonde goddess, I might be a little jealous, too.

“Fair enough,” I say. “Well, is this all you brought?”

“No, the rest is in the car.” She flops down on the couch. “My life is ending.”

“Okay, Okay,” I lean down and give her a hug. “Let’s get the rest of your stuff, then we can talk about it.”

We head back down to the car and I nearly choke. The entire backseat of her little Ford Focus is packed to the roof with stuff. Boxes and garbage bags and backpacks full of stuff. I open the trunk. Same deal. “Lynne, really? Do you think you need two bags of knitting supplies?”

“I might have time to learn how to knit now that I am not constrained by marriage.” She is starting to tear up again, so I let it go.

It took us an hour. We have emptied her car and filled my apartment. My living room is filled from floor to ceiling with Lynne’s stuff. Boxes full of clothes, dishes, books, and tools cover every surface. “Tools? Lynne, you don’t even know how to fix stuff.”

“I don’t care. I bought those tools, I’m keeping them.”

We pile as much as we can into a corner and clear a space on the couch. I have already called work and told them I will be late. I bring a couple of mugs of tea and we squeeze into the space on the couch.

“So, I was desperately trying to seduce her last night. I wore my sexiest lingerie, and I was sitting on her lap, trying to get her to make out with me. She kept pretending she didn’t get the hint. Finally, I was like, Sarah, for fuck sake, let’s just have sex.”

“Well, obviously subtlety wasn’t working,” I say.

“She said she was too tired, she wasn’t in the mood, blah, blah, blah, same old story. So I stalked off to bed and didn’t speak to her for the rest of the night.”

“Okay, that sucks, but Lynne, you two have been having that same argument for years.”

“That wasn’t the end of it. This morning, she knew I was pissed at her, so she started trying to apologize for not wanting to have sex. And I just lost it. I was just so done with her excuses. I mean, we have literally had sex three times in the last two years. Three! And all three of those times came about because I initiated a fight about our shitty sex life! I’m cute. I’m sick of having to fight for sex. So, when she started trying to apologize yet again about not ever wanting me, that was just the last straw. I blew up. Told her that I had made a bet with you about which one of us could have sex first.”

I fall back onto the couch, hands over my eyes. This is bad. This is really bad. “That could not have gone over well.”

“No, it didn’t.” Lynne’s eyes are filling with tears again. “She exploded. Said she couldn’t believe that I had told you about our problem, and that we were making such a joke out of it. I kept trying to explain that it really wasn’t a joke, that the bet was a joke, but the issue was serious, but somehow in my explaining, I managed to say that it was Andy’s idea and it just got worse. She was screaming at me, I was crying, it was horrible.”

Poor Lynne. I put my arm around her and let her cry on my shoulder for a while. Harry is sitting in the window, glaring at me. I can deal with this. This is fine, this will work out. Lynne and Sarah have been together so long, they just need a break to get over this fight. It will all be fine. Of course she can stay with me for a while. We’ll work it out. I glance around at the boxes piled all over the living room. We will make room for all of this.

So, I’m sitting at the lunch counter at Polly’s, eating a grilled cheese sandwich. Steve and Erik are eating with me. We are the regular Saturday crew at the office, so we have formed a pretty close friendship based on proximity. Steve and Erik are a sweet couple who have been together for almost five years. Unfortunately for them, about six months after they moved in together, Steve’s aged father decided it was time for him to move in as well. Not a particularly great start to their relationship. I figure, if nothing else, they will commiserate with me.

“Baby love, don’t sweat it,” Steve is saying. “Lynne and Sarah have been together too long to break up over a little fight. They’ll be back together within the week.”

“But I’m just such a private person.”

“Trust me, I know.” Erik shakes his head. “I didn’t know what I would do when Steve’s dad decided he needed to move in.”

“Was it bad?”

Steve grimaces. “Darling, you can’t imagine. He was pounding the wall with his cane to summon one of us to get him a cup of coffee and bring him some cigarettes.”

I laugh. “No! Really?”

Erik nods. “Really. We finally had to lay down some laws. We are not his servants, he is not an invalid, he can get his ass up and get his own damn coffee.”

“And there is no smoking in the house!” Steve exclaims.

“That’s rough.”

Steve shakes his head. “Why my parents decided to have me when they were already too old to have kids, I’ll never know. My mother was kind of a bitch, but at least if she was still alive, he would still be making her life miserable, instead of mine.”

I look from one to the other. “I can’t imagine that living with Lynne for a while will be anywhere near as bad as that.”

Steve pats my hand. “Just keep your head up and pray they get back together soon.”

“This is just like Dave and Sam,” Erik chimes in. “Dave and Sam were together for eighteen years and they broke up over a naughty text Dave got from the twink.”

“What twink?” I’m lost.

“The cute little one who bar tends at Dick’s.”

Oh, that twink. “I didn’t know they broke up.”

“It wasn’t quite that simple,” Steve says. “Obviously there were a lot more issues than just a little sexting with a twenty something.”

“Obviously,” Erik scoffs. “But the sexting was the last straw.”

Steve nods. “Dave spent a few nights on somebody’s couch and Sam changed the locks.”

“Well, what happened?”

Steve leans back in his chair and lowers his voice conspiratorially, “Dave ended up fucking the twink and the twink’s boyfriend kicked Dave’s ass.”

“No! Get out!” I can’t help it. I love drama. Especially when it isn’t happening to me. “Then what?”

“Then Sam took him back and nursed him back to health.”

“So all is well that ends well,” Erik cries.

“Lynne just needs to have sex with someone and it will all work out,” Steve chirps.

“Guys, I don’t think it’s that easy with lesbians. They aren’t as accepting of infidelity as gay guys are.”

“It isn’t infidelity if they’re broken up,” Erik insists.

“I’ll give her your advice, if nothing else,” I laugh.

We walk back to the office, where Ron Garrick, the head of the fundraising department is sitting on my desk, looking upset.

“Ron,” Steve says, sitting on the edge of the next desk. “What’s going on?”

Ron looks stricken. He starts to speak, but tears well up. We give him a moment.

“A teenage boy, Jonah Aster, one of ours…”

“Ron, what is it?” I say softly.

“He killed himself last night.”

I sink down into a chair, my heart is beating in my ears. “No,” I whisper.

“He left a note. Said he couldn’t stand the torment anymore.”

I look across at Steve. His jaw is clenched, he is trying not to cry. Erik, openly weeping, is holding Steve’s hand. My heart feels as if there is a huge hand around it, squeezing it hard enough to hurt.

“I talked to him a few days ago,” I finally manage to say. “He told me about the bullying at school. I consoled him as well as I could, then referred the matter to the counseling department. Jack over there was trying to get the mother to switch schools or find a way to get him home-schooled.”

Ron nods. “They were working on it. We were trying to get funding to help the mom with home-school costs.”

We all fall into silence, shell-shocked. Sadly, it isn’t that unusual for one of our kids to kill him or herself. Most of them are gay or bi, and most of them are tormented by peers at school. Many of them have parents who believe that being gay is unnatural — which makes it worse. Jonah was a transsexual. He was born female, but knew he was supposed to be male at a young age. He started dressing as a male at quite a young age, but his mother insisted that he wait until after puberty to start thinking about taking hormones or addressing the issue of surgery. She was as supportive as any parent we have seen, but she was also a single mom with several other kids. Our organization exists to help kids like this, but we failed. I hate that our children are so hopeless than they think their only option is death. I hate the people who make them feel this way. I am shaking, trying to hold back the tears. Steve and Erik and Ron are miserable, too. We want to save everyone, but there is too much evil in the world.

“Fucking Ohio,” Steve snarls, kicking his desk. “Why do we have such a bunch of redneck assholes here?”

I shake my head. Poor Jonah. I feel sorry for anyone who is different in high school. Having grown up in Bay Village, where you had to have the right clothes, the right hair and the right address, I never fit in. And with my single, frequently gone mother and my butch best friend, I know what it is like to be tormented and bullied. Fortunately, Andy and I were always a team; I knew I could count on her. Somehow, it makes a difference to have one great friend. I wish I would have talked to Jonah longer. I wish I could have made him understand that everyone is an asshole in high school, but that even us so-called freaks and weirdos find acceptance in college and after.

Steve, Erik and I throw ourselves into our work. I am making calls, sending out emails, harassing the party planners, setting up meetings. Jonah’s death has us in a frenzy. I am heartbroken; a part of me wants to curl into a ball and sob, but the other part of me knows that the harder I work, the more money I can raise for the foundation to possibly prevent this from happening to someone else.

We all work late, spurred by the bad news. Finally, at about seven o’clock, I stand up and tell the boys I’m leaving. I walk out of the office into the sweet, summer air. I love Cleveland in June. Fall is my favorite season, but there is something about early summer that really gets to me.

I decide to skip the freeway and just drive home on Lake Rd. The long drive soothes me. I take a side cut down Dover Center so I can drive past Andy’s house on my way home. Her lights are on, but all I want to do now is take a bath, curl up in my bed with a movie, preferably one with George Clooney and spend the evening feeling miserable. I walk in the door of my apartment, and the memory of this morning comes slamming back in. Lynne. She has apparently unpacked. There are clothes everywhere. Clothes hanging from the windows, clothes on every single piece of furniture. There are bins of jewelry on every spare flat surface. Shoes are lined up around every bit of wall space and shoved around the books on all of my bookshelves. There are several silky scarves hanging over the lamps. How is it even possible that a self-proclaimed hippie can have so much stuff? The litter pan is right next to the entrance to the hall. The giant box of kitty litter is actually in the hallway. I am going to have to side step around it to get to my bedroom. The shower is running. Lynne probably needed a break. It takes a lot of energy to destroy an entire apartment. I look toward the kitchen. In my state of shell shock, I hadn’t noticed the delightful smells coming from that direction. Now I notice, and my stomach starts growling. Maybe there will be some compensation for this mess. I walk into the kitchen. The first thing I notice is that it is as destroyed as the living room. It looks as if Lynne has used every dish I own. Not that it would be hard to accomplish, considering how few dishes I have, but still. The cat food bowl is on the counter. So is the cat. That is not going to fly. Cat food on the floor, check. I lift a hissing Harry and drop him on the floor. “You are not allowed on the counters!” Well, at least it does smell good in here. Whatever is cooking must be phenomenal. I lift the lid of my big sauce pan. Spaghetti sauce. I love spaghetti. I know I shouldn’t be eating pasta, but I love spaghetti so much. After that big grilled sandwich at Polly’s today, I should be eating salad for dinner, but it doesn’t matter. I have to have a bite of this sauce, it smells so good. I dig a spoon out of the sink, rinse it and dip it into the sauce. I’m about to lift it to my lips, when I notice some suspicious chucks in it. Meat? She cannot possibly have made spaghetti with meat in it. Maybe it’s tofu crumbles. It sure smells like meat.

I’m sitting at the kitchen table. My kitchen table. My kitchen table that is currently covered with more of Lynne’s crap. She walks into the kitchen.

“Hey, how was work? Did you…” She breaks off as she sees the look on my face. “Davey? Something wrong?”

“Wrong? What could be wrong? I come home after a completely hellish day at work to find your stuff has just exploded into my house! And on top of that, you’re cooking spaghetti with meat sauce!”

“It’s turkey,” she says, looking stricken.

“Turkey.” I’m speaking between clenched teeth. “Turkey is meat!”

“Well, I thought maybe you just didn’t want to eat beef,” she whispers.

“Lynne, do you know what vegetarian means?”

“Yeah,” her eyes are starting to water. “But Sarah tells everyone she’s a vegetarian, but she eats turkey and chicken and fish at home.”

I’m too exhausted to argue. I’m too heartbroken to deal with Lynne’s heartbreak.

“Davey, I’m so sorry,” Lynne is openly crying now.

“It’s fine, Lynne. Eat your spaghetti. I’m just going to bed.”

Chapter Three

I love that blissful half-asleep state, when you’re already awake, but you’re still comfortably holding on to the lovely dream of the night before. I stretch luxuriously, and open my eyes. What the hell is that? That stupid cat.

“Get out of my bed!”

There is nothing worse than waking up to that ugly orange scowl, barely inches away from my face. Lynne has been here since Saturday. It hasn’t even been a week yet. I don’t think I can handle this long-term. I am getting no sleep. Lynne has turned off her cell phone, so Sarah has been calling on the house phone constantly. And this stupid cat is always sleeping on my bed, staring at me while I sleep, scaring the fuck out of me every single morning.

Work has been hell this week. We’ve all been volunteering overtime, spurred by Jonah’s death. His mother has agreed to speak at our big benefit next month, as well as several other smaller functions, tunneling her own grief into a chance to educate someone else. I’m amazed by her strength and dedication. I wish some of the assholes who kick their children out of the house for being gay could meet and talk to this woman just once. Maybe she could make them see what ridiculous, ignorant douche bags they are. Then again, maybe not. One more day of work and then I am actually taking a long weekend. Ron has decreed that we all need a few days off in a row. Steve and Erik don’t care what days they take off, as long as they can take them together. So, I said I would take Friday, Saturday and Sunday off and cover for them during the week.

I haven’t seen Andy since last Friday after our respective bad dates. I decide to call her before work.

“‘Lo.” She sounds half asleep.

“Andy,” I say. “I miss you.”

“Hey Davey baby,” she says. I can hear her smiling. “How’s the roommate situation going?”

I’m whispering into my cell. “Andy, it’s not great. There’s cat hair everywhere. It can open my door. It leaps onto the handle and uses its body weight to open the door. I wake up every morning with this cat in my bed.”

“Lucky cat,” Andy laughs deeply.

“You are so funny.” I’m dripping sarcasm.

“It’s a little funny!”

“Okay, it’s a little funny. But this is terrible. I don’t understand why she won’t come stay at your place. You have plenty of room.”

“I’m allergic to cats.”

“You could take a pill.”

“I can’t live with a woman.”

“She’s your friend, not a woman.”

“It’ll be fine,” Andy soothes. “I’m sure they’ll be back together before long. Have they been talking?”

“No, Lynne has turned off her cell so Sarah calls the house phone. If I answer, she starts telling me all of the things I need to tell Lynne. Then Lynne starts yelling about how she doesn’t want to talk to her. Then Harry’s head starts spinning around.”

Andy gives a deep, belly laugh. “Look, if it gets too crazy, you can come crash out here.”

“I’m a woman, too. Can you live with me?”

“You’re probably the only woman I could live with.”

“I’ll bear that in mind.”

“In the meantime, I’ll stop by your house today and fix your door so the beast can’t sneak in.”

“All right. I have to go to work. Janie’s tonight?”

“Wouldn’t miss it.”

I somehow managed to make it through the work day. I’m exhausted. Ron asked me for something twice today before it finally registered. At last I made it through, though, kissed Steve and Erik, waved to Ron and headed home.

As I’m getting ready to go to Janie’s, I notice that Andy has changed my doorknob. You would have to have opposable thumbs to work this one. I make mental note to buy Andy’s first drink. I decide to throw on jeans, loafers, a t-shirt. Towel dry my hair until it is sticking up in all directions. I come out of the bedroom and Lynne is … wow. She’s wearing a tight, black knit mini-skirt with a kind of shimmery, multicolored, low-cut top. I glance down. Heels. Lynne is wearing heels? What about her Birkenstocks? Where are her multiple bangle bracelets and mountains of love beads? Her hair is washed and blow-dried to beautiful flowing waves. And she is wearing … makeup? Lynne is a lip gloss kind of chick. She has full on eye-liner, lipstick, and foundation. “Lynne, special occasion?”

“You never know,” she answers. “Now that I am single, it’s time to start cruising for chicks.”

I feel huge and ungainly next to Lynne. Normally, it doesn’t matter because she is always dressed so ridiculously that it can be hard to remember that she’s beautiful. Tonight, there is no mistaking it. Petite and thin, with her big beautiful eyes, she looks like a doll. Suddenly, I feel a wedge of anxiety, though I don’t know why.

.We’re at our usual table at Janie’s. All of the regulars have exclaimed over Lynne’s outfit. Even Andy is looking her up and down, a small smile playing over her lips.

“Lynne, you look like a woman.”

“I am a woman, Andrea.”

Andy smiles appreciatively. “You know, in twenty years, I don’t think I’ve ever seen your legs.”

Lynne laughs softly. “Well, then you’ve been missing out.” They are having way too much fun. Andy has leaned back, her hands behind her head, long legs stretched out under the table. Her face is impassive, but there is a small, satisfied smile on her mouth. She loves this. She loves the admiration of an attractive woman, never mind that the woman is part of a threesome of old friends and one of them is sitting here completely forgotten.

“Better be careful, coming in here dressed like that. The dykes will be all over you.”

“Including you,” Lynne says, smiling slightly.

“My job is to beat them off,” Andy replies. “Besides, you know my motto, never pick up a rebound.”

“That’s one of your mottoes,” I say, coldly.

Andy laughs, reaching over to gently pinch my ear. “One of many.” She grins. “That, and never have sex with a friend’s mom, don’t get your honey where you get your money, and never trust a woman named Judy.”

“Andy,” I scold in jest. “You get your money from your dead grandparents. I don’t think there’s much temptation there.”

She chuckles. “Technically, it’s from my grandparents’ estate, so I would have to not fuck my grandfather’s lawyer.”

Lynne shifts around, closer to Andy. “Andy, do you get those mottoes from experience?”

“Absolutely. I’ve picked up rebounds, and I have dated women at work. It never ends well. And don’t even get me started on women named Judy.”

I’m laughing. Andy is nothing if not charming.

“Okay,” Lynne says. “What about a friend’s mom?”

“I had sex with Tony Canton’s mom in ’91.”

I had forgotten about that. Tony was one of Andy’s buddies in college. I dated him a few times. To be fair, his mother was a MILF. No one realized she was bi, though, until Andy came along.

“I’m surprised you haven’t mentioned Leah,” Lynne quips.

“Ew! My mother?” I’m shocked. “That’s gross.”

“It’s not gross,” Andy says. “I would do your mom if she wasn’t your mom.”

I’m sickened. “Andy, that’s horrible. That’s my mom.”

“I never did it. I wouldn’t. That would be disrespectful.”

Lynne is laughing. “I can totally see it!”

I shake my head.

“Davey, you know I am just fucking with you. I’ve known your mother since I was seven. She’s like my own mother. I could never do her.”

“I could,” Lynne says, laughing. “She is hot. And I was already a grown up when I met her.”

I shake my head in disbelief. “Somehow, I just don’t see my mother as hot.”

“I don’t see why not,” Lynne answers. “She is incredibly beautiful.”

“She’s just my mom. I don’t think of her as beautiful.”

Andy puts her hand on the back of my neck. “Of course you don’t, Davey baby. You don’t think of yourself as beautiful, either. And your mom is almost as beautiful as you, which makes her one of the most beautiful women in the world.”

“You need glasses.”

“Or professional help,” Lynne says. She’s pissed that Andy’s attention has turned back to me.

“If there is one thing you can count on,” Andy replies, picking up her drink, “it’s my ability to discern female beauty.”

Chapter Four

Sunday. I roll over in bed and look at the clock. Six AM and I’m wide awake. Great, I can get an early start to the day. I have every intention of making this a great one. The sun is shining, the cat is not sleeping on my face. Maybe I’ll make a healthy fruit plate for breakfast and do my Yoga DVD. Then, Lynne and I can take a long walk in the park. It’s a beautiful day, we should make the most of it. The rest of our weekend was uneventful and we got over our irritation with each other. We put it down to a stressful week and too much booze, so Lynne called in sick on Friday and we spent the day doing home spa treatments. Yesterday, we watched movies all day and drank wine coolers. And I only had to field three calls from Sarah over the last two days, which was a nice change.

I did analyze why I was so irritated on Thursday, and it just comes down to this. It would suck if Lynne and Andy got together. It has nothing to do with any feelings I might have for either of them and everything to do with the fact that we are a threesome. You don’t mess with the dynamic of a close group of friends, or someone ends up left out. And hurt.

Stretching and yawning, I gradually become aware that there are voices coming from the living room. Strange, who would be here first thing on a Sunday? Oh! Maybe Sarah has come over to talk Lynne into coming home. That would be awesome! I mean, mostly because it would be good for them to work it out. I get up and grab some clothes. I don’t want to wander out naked if Sarah is here, it might give her the wrong idea. Throwing on some yoga pants and a tank top, I rush right into the bathroom, not even looking into the living room. I quickly brush my teeth, thinking of my next plan of action. I figure I can just grab an apple or something and go for a walk. I’ll call Andy once I’m out the door, see if she is up this early. I wander into the living room and stop dead. There, on the couch, surrounded by the ever-present piles of Lynne’s clothes is Leah. Leah and Lynne are squeezed together on the couch, drinking coffee and giggling. Good Lord, give me strength for whatever is about to happen.

I walk cautiously into the room. “Hello, Leah.”

She jumps off of the couch and grabs me. “My darling girl, my sweetest one. My little love.”

“It’s good to see you, too.” She plops back down on the couch and I perch on the arm of a chair. I have to perch on the arm because like everything else in my life, it is covered with Lynne’s stuff. “Leah, what are you doing here?”

Leah, for the record, is my mother. She is looking the same as she always looks. Her hair is long, straight, parted in the middle and the exact same dark brown as mine. She probably uses the same dye to cover the gray. She’s wearing some gauzy, flowing love child outfit with a ginormous beaded necklace. Looking at her and Lynne sitting together on the couch, I realize that Lynne looks more like Leah’s daughter than I ever have. It must be the way they dress, though, because Leah is three inches taller than I am and about twenty pounds heavier.

“Ronnie moved out. I felt it was a perfect time to commune with my daughter.”

Ronnie was my mother’s most recent lover. Last time I went for a visit, he was living there. He had longish hair, a longish beard and he wore nothing but cut off jean shorts. I’m not sure what exactly he usually did, but while I was there he spent all day, every day sitting on the floor smoking pot and watching TV. When I tried to make conversation with him, he kept telling me I need to just learn to go with the flow, man. He was like a stereotypical ’60s throwback, come to life in my mother’s living room.

“Well, we’re a little crowded here right now, Leah, so…”

“Nonsense! Lynne is perfectly comfortable on the couch and I can sleep with you.”

“Leah, I’m sure Gram and Gramps would love to have you at their…”

“No way. I’m not staying in that mausoleum. I want to be here where all the fun is!”

I nod. There is no way I am going to win this one, so I just let it go. I grab a cup of coffee and resume my perch on the arm of the chair. Leah has never felt like a real mother. First of all, she’s only sixteen years older than I am. At fifty-six, she’s still taking thirty- and forty-something men to bed. My mother is kind of a cross between an old-school feminist and a hippie. She loves men in bed and for what they can teach her. I’ve known her to date a man for six months just because he was teaching her how to do glass sculpture. She stays with them until it isn’t fun anymore, then moves on. She considers us friends until I disagree with her, then she pulls the mom card. She provided a stable environment for me as I was growing up, I have to admit. We lived in an old Victorian with my grandparents. At times, she took off with one lover or another, but I always stayed where I was. Sometimes it sucked being raised by old people, but it would have been way worse to move around all of the time.

“Is that all you brought?” I gesture to the huge shoulder bag at Leah’s feet.

“No darling, my suitcases are just there.” I didn’t think it would be possible to bring anything else into this apartment, but somehow, Leah has managed. There are two giant suitcases sitting outside of my bedroom door. How I missed them in my dash to the bathroom, I have no idea. I nod again. Sometimes it’s best to not engage. I’m frantically trying to think of a way out of this.

Leah and Lynne are passing a joint back and forth. I look at them, then look back quickly.

“Leah, you cannot smoke pot in this apartment!”

She looks at me incredulously. “Oh please, Davey. Eighteen hours of labor and now I can’t enjoy a harmless joint in your living room?”

I turn and stomp back into my bedroom. “Whatever. Do what you want. I’m going out for a walk.”

“Oh, darling,” Leah calls after me. “You’re so healthy!”

I throw on some sneakers and head out. “She was always so uptight as a little girl,” I hear Leah say to Lynne as I slam the door.

I’m stalking down the street, clutching my cell phone. “Andy, wake up. Dammit! WTF?” I’m shouting to Andy’s voice mail as I head towards her house. On the plus side, she lives three miles away. At least I’ll be keeping my promise to exercise today. I walk down the tree lined streets, cross over the railroad tracks and enter Bay Village. A few more minutes and I’m coming up Andy’s driveway. She is already at the front door, seeing off an incredibly beautiful woman who glares at me as she stalks off. “I got your voicemail,” Andy says. “Just had to free up my schedule.”

I grab a cup of coffee and sprawl on her couch, describing my rude awakening. Andy is trying to convince me that it is not as bad as I think it is.

“Andy, she’s impossible. She told Lynne that the song “Ah! Leah!” was written for her.”

Andy is laughing. “Maybe it was!”

I nail her with a couch cushion. “I can’t take this!”

“Davey, baby, she’s only been at your house for a little while. You’ve talked to her for exactly five minutes. Give it a chance.” Andy is touchy about parental relationships because she doesn’t have one with hers. When she came out of the closet at seventeen, her parents absolutely flipped and threw her out of the house. She stayed with us for a while until her grandfather died, leaving a whole bunch of money to Andy, causing a further rift in the relationship with her parents. Her parents ended up moving out of Bay, to some lavish house on the far Eastside of Cleveland. At my insistence, Andy made contact several years ago, when being gay really wasn’t considered freakish anymore, and the world was becoming more accepting. I figured they had missed their daughter and wanted to talk to her, but were afraid to initiate contact. Nothing doing. They wouldn’t even return her phone calls and when she showed up at their door to try to talk to them, her mother told her through the chain that she was not welcome on their doorstep, let alone inside the house. Harsh. So, Andy is particularly interested in me keeping my relationship with my mother on good terms. I can tell you for a fact that my mother would not have kicked me out for being a lesbian. Hell, my mother would have preferred it if I was a lesbian. At least she is happy that I have a lot of gay friends. My mother has always been happiest with people who are considered fringe.

Andy sits next to me on the couch and puts her arms around me. “Davey, your mom means well. She did a great job with you, after all.”

“My grandparents had more to do with that than she did,” I grumble.

Andy gives me a look. “Davey baby, she’s a good person, she means well, and she’s entertaining as hell. Try to relax and have a good time with her. If she wasn’t your mother, you would really enjoy her company.”

It’s time for a change of subject. “What about you and the angry hottie?”

She laughs again. “She was fun. She might have been a little pissed that I had to kick her out so early.”

“Andy, it is perfectly okay to tell me that you’re busy.”

“I’m never too busy for you,” Andy vows.

“What if she doesn’t want to see you again because of that?”

Andy shrugs. “She does or she doesn’t. No big deal.”

Andy has never made any secret about where her loyalties lie. A girlfriend can’t compete with a friendship of a lifetime, regardless of how hot she is.

“Speaking of women,” Andy says. “What was up with Lynne on Thursday?”

“I don’t know. Maybe she’s flipping out about Sarah. Or maybe she wants to practice flirting on someone safe. It’s been fifteen years since she had to worry about it.”

“Of course, it couldn’t be that she finds me attractive.”

“Stop it. You know you’re hot. But you two have been friends for twenty years. You’re beyond the hot stage.”

“I see.” Andy pulls lightly on a piece of my hair. “Then why were you so jealous?”

“I wasn’t jealous.” I fold my arms over my chest. Well, I wasn’t. I wasn’t at all jealous. I just didn’t want to be the odd man out. It’s ridiculous when there are three people at a table and two of them are flirting outrageously with each other. Though to be fair, Andy is the master at making all of the women at a table, or anywhere else, feel welcome and included, but still. “Besides, that isn’t the point.”

“What is the point, baby girl?”

“The point is that when three friends are as close as we all are, two of them can’t ruin it by becoming an item.”

Andy is in hysterics now. “An item! Davey, I am never an item with anyone. And I certainly wouldn’t fuck Lynne and drop her. We are friends. She was dressed up and looking to feel attractive and I let her. What’s important in this equation is why you, my straight best friend, are getting so snippy about it.”

Snippy? I’m never snippy. Irritated, maybe. Mostly irritated by Andy’s obvious enjoyment of all of this. “I’m not snippy.”

Andy puts her other arm around me and nestles her face again mine. “You were a little snippy.”

I relax against her. “Drop it.”

We let it go and chat lightly about other things for a while. Finally, I am calm enough to head home and deal with my mother.

“Hi, I’m home,” I call as I walk into the apartment. The pot smell isn’t as bad as I feared. Smells like my mother is baking, actually. One good thing about my mother, she was a vegetarian long before it was cool to be a vegetarian. She won’t be cooking any turkey spaghetti. Leah calls out from the kitchen. “Hi darling. Come on in, I’m making cookies and getting to know Harry.”

I walk into the kitchen where Leah is sitting in one of my rickety kitchen chairs with her feet up on the table. The smell of chocolate chip cookies is permeating the air. I’m going to gain a hundred pounds by the time she leaves, I know it. Harry is curled up on my mother’s lap, sound asleep. “Isn’t he precious,” she coos. Yeah, precious. Precious is not exactly the right word for a thirty pound sack of orange flab, but whatever makes her happy. Lynne bounces in, and slides into the other chair.

“Oh, Davey, your mother has been telling me about the greatest class that starts this week.”

Leah nods. “Dr. Sheila Ward. The pioneer of the Total Woman Sexual Health Seminar. It’s the best way to learn about your own body and take charge of your own sexual health. Now she’s giving a six-week class. You have to go with us.”

I’ve met Dr. Ward. She’s a fascinating woman. We got into a discussion about whether or not all women have g-spots and she offered to take me into the woman’s room and show me mine. I declined. I’m picturing a group of women sitting naked in a circle looking at their own vulvae with mirrors. Somehow I can’t see myself in this setting. “When is it?”

“Friday, 6 PM to 8 PM. We thought we’d make an evening of it and go for a nice dinner after,” Leah says.

“Uh, I can’t. I have a date on Friday.”

Lynne and my mother both look shocked. “A date,” Lynne finally spits out. “Well, good for you.”

It isn’t as if I have never had a date before. There is no reason for this shock. Though technically I don’t have a date for this Friday, either, but I can change that.

Monday morning rolls around. It feels weird to be going to work on a Monday, but it has been fantastic to have a long weekend. I actually managed to de-stress a little bit. Sunday with my mother and Lynne ended up being quite fun. We did eat way too many cookies, but I was able to convince both of them to walk in the park with me. We watched movies and I braided my mother’s hair, while she cajoled me to grow mine out. Leah and Lynne talked about Sarah and the break up and Leah actually had some pretty good advice. She even got Lynne to promise to at least turn her cell phone on and start answering some of Sarah’s calls. All in all, it was a great day. But it is exhausting being around my mother. She’s unpredictable, which keeps me in a constant state of low-level anxiety. Even now, as I’m booting up my computer and getting ready to start my work day, I’m wondering what she might be doing alone in the apartment. I thought about trying to rush home at lunch today, but I have to let go sometime. She is fifty-six years old, after all. She can take care of herself.

My cell rings. “Andy, what’s up?”

“Lunch today?”

“Can’t. I’m covering Steve and Erik, so I will probably just eat at my desk. Want to join?”

“No, I was going to hit Hot Tamales. Think I should call your mom?”

“She would love it.” She would, too. She adores Andy. She loves me, and she loves Lynne. But I think if she really had her wish, Andy would be her natural-born daughter.

“K, talk to you later.”

Maybe I should call Danny. I still have my hand on the phone and he suddenly pops into my head. Well, I need a date for Friday night. What if I just call him? He’s beautiful. He has a warm smile. I’ve dated men for worse reasons than that. I’m rummaging through my purse. Here it is.

“Hello.” His voice is as soft and low as I remember it.

“Hi, Danny?” I don’t know why I’m questioning. I know it’s him. Stupid. I’m nervous for some reason, but I don’t know why.

“Hey, Davey.” He recognizes my voice. And he sounds happy to hear from me.

“Hey.” I don’t know what to say. I am at a total loss. I feel like an idiot. Hey? The best I can do is “hey”?

“Davey, I’m so glad you called. I was hoping you would call. I’d love to spend some time with you. Do you want to go out?”

Thank you, thank you, thank you. He’s making this easy for me. He sounds completely sincere, like he really is happy to hear from me. At any rate, he has definitely stepped in to cover for my idiocy, which is a point in his favor.

“Davey? Still there?”

“I’m sorry. I was thinking. Yes. Friday? How’s Friday?”

“Friday sounds perfect.” He’s smiling, I can tell. “I’m going to assume we should meet somewhere.” He pauses. “I would hate to contradict your mother’s words of wisdom.”

I laugh. “Yes, let’s meet somewhere.”

“Polly’s on Clifton? Do you know it?”

“Know it? It’s my all-time favorite restaurant.”

We make plans to meet, and say goodbye.

Ron walks in as I’m hanging up the phone.

“Hi gorgeous,” I chirp.

He looks at me sideways. “Hi? Everything all right.”

“Ron, my love.” I grin hugely. “Everything is all right. Everything is perfectly all right.”

Chapter Five

I am terrified. This is stupid. I haven’t been this nervous for a simple date in years. I must be losing it because my last date was so horrible. Either that, or this angel truly made an impression on me. The thing is, it’s not like he’s super hot, or anything. He’s not super tall, or super muscular. I mean, I might have noticed an outline of a bicep, but he’s not buff or anything. He doesn’t look like a guy who spends a lot of time in the gym. It’s just that face. I can still see it so clearly when I think about him. Besides, my last couple of boyfriends were big, muscular, workout fanatics and I always felt like they were judging me when I wanted to sit on the couch eating ice cream for breakfast on a Sunday morning. Even if it was technically Soy Delicious Vegan ice cream. Well, I have to do something to make up for all of those grilled cheese sandwiches.

I’ve changed clothes four times. I thought about wearing a dress, but Polly’s isn’t really fancy and I don’t want to be completely overdressed. As much time as I’ve spent there for lunch, I have never had dinner there. I must not order the grilled cheese sandwich. The problem with eating the world’s best grilled cheese sandwich is that I generally end up with giant drips of cheese down my chin and sometimes on my chest. Definitely not first date food. My mom and Lynne are sitting on the bed, giving me advice.

“Wear that cute sundress with those strappy heels.” Lynne is in favor of me looking like a girl.

“You can borrow something of mine.” Leah, really. My mother has absolutely no clue about how to dress. If it looks like something that was worn at Woodstock, or like something a gypsy fortune teller might wear to a fancy dress party, she’s all over it. Otherwise, forget it.

I decide on a variation of my standard work outfit. Boot cut jeans that ride slightly low on my hips, a low cut top that is long enough to cover any muffin top spillover, and chunky heels. I might as well highlight my best feature by showing a little cleavage, while hiding the stomach. For once my hair is sticking up in all the right places. I add the tiniest bit of mascara and some shiny lip gloss.

“Take your own money,” Leah says.

“Mom, I know.”

“Don’t call me Mom!” She rolls her eyes towards Lynne. “The most important thing you girls can be is independent. Don’t rely on some man to pay for everything and don’t get into a situation where you need him to drive you home.”

Lynne grins. “Not something I have to worry about, Leah.”

These are the lessons that have been hammered into my head since birth. Always meet your date, don’t tell him where you live. Don’t bring him back to your apartment. Don’t have sex with him until he’s met your friends, and make sure he knows that your friends know where you are if you do end up going to his place. Don’t get drunk on a first date, don’t lose sight of your drink. Don’t do drugs with someone you don’t know, unless you’re with someone else you trust. For someone who espouses the tenets of free love, my mother has a lot of rules.

Finally, Lynne and Leah leave for their sex class. It is so blissful to have a few quiet moments in the apartment. I sit on my bed and try to find my Zen. Breathe deeply in through the nose, out through the mouth. Relax. He’s only a guy. You’ve gone on plenty of dates with guys. Some good, some bad, some truly horrible. This cannot possibly be worse than the date with Ted the douche-nozzle.

I give myself plenty of time to get to Polly’s. It’s about five minutes away from my work, which makes it about a half an hour drive from my house. I look at my watch as I enter the restaurant. I’m about two minutes early, but Danny is already there, sitting at a table by himself, watching me as I enter. He looks even more beautiful then I remember, and my heart skips a beat when he smiles. This is so stupid. I am a forty year old woman, not some hormonal teenager. I smile back at him as he stands up to greet me.

“Davey, you look beautiful.”

“It’s good to see you again,” I say.

He holds my chair for me and waits for me to settle before taking his own seat.

“I have only been here for a few minutes and I didn’t want to presume to order for you. Did you want a drink?”

I want a drink. Yes, I want a drink. I hate ordering a drink on the first date. I could go for something frou-frou and girly, but I don’t want to set the expectation in case we end up spending a lot of time together. At home, I usually drink beer, but beer seems kind of classless on a first date. I don’t want to seem like a boozer by ordering the wrong thing. I finally settle on a compromise.

“I’ll have a vodka and cranberry juice.”

Danny smiles and nods at the waitress. She comes over and winks at him. “What can I get for you, darling?”

Darling. She’s leaning forward and her obviously bought and paid for cleavage is spilling over her neckline. To his credit, Danny keeps his eyes on her face. “My date will have a vodka cranberry and I’ll have a bottle of water.”

Crap! A bottle of water. I want to change my order, but I’m afraid it will be too obvious now that he has already ordered. Water, who drinks water on a date? Christ, he’s probably an alcoholic. Maybe he will feel awkward with me drinking around him. He’s just looking at me, maybe he’s disgusted because I drink vodka. Is that a bad drink? Maybe I should have ordered rum or something less … strong. I definitely should have just ordered a coffee.

“Danny? Hey. Do you feel uncomfortable with me drinking alcohol? I could change to water or coffee.”

He starts, then smiles. “No, not at all. I’m hoping that you’ll find me so interesting that we spend hours at this restaurant, and if that’s the case, I better pace myself.”

I laugh. “I was afraid I was going to be the downfall of your abstinence.”

Now Danny is laughing. “If you were, it would be worth it.”

“I have to admit, I’m addicted to this place. They have the world’s best veggie burgers here. Okay, to be completely honest, I do love their veggie burgers, but I’m addicted to their grilled cheese sandwiches. I’m a vegetarian. I’m trying so hard to go vegan, but I go a few days, or even a few weeks, and eventually, I break down and eat one of their grilled cheese sandwiches. It’s just they’re so…” I break off and pause. “Davey,” I say out loud. “Stop talking!”

I can’t tell if Danny is smiling like that because he is amused or because he thinks I’m an idiot. I need to kill this babbling habit.

“I am a full on vegan,” Danny says. “But I completely respect your right to eat grilled cheese sandwiches.”

I raise my eyebrow at him. “How generous.”

“I have to be honest about something, too,” Danny says, leaning forward.

I’m intrigued. It better not be a secret wife. “Go on.”

“After the night we met, I saw you here a couple of times.”

“You did?”

“Yeah. I was having coffee and you came in and ordered coffee to go.”

“It’s my morning addiction,” I confess.

“So, I had coffee here every day for a week.”

He’s cute enough that it could be considered sweet and adorable, as opposed to creepy and stalkerish.

“I asked Bradley about you, but he refused to give me any information. I think he thought I was a stalker.” Bradley is the owner of Polly’s.

“You are a stalker!” I say, wagging a finger at him. “Why didn’t you say hello?”

“I gave you my number. I figured if you wanted to talk to me, you would call. I didn’t want to pressure you.”

“What if I hadn’t called?” I grin.

“I probably would have accidentally run into you again at some point as I sat at Polly’s every day.”

I laugh. “Well, it’s a good thing I called and saved you from being a complete stalker.”

“It took you long enough.”

“Things have been a little strange in my household lately,” I shake my head, rolling my eyes.

“Tell me.”

So I tell him all about Lynne and my mother and the stupid cat and the pot and the piles of stuff everywhere and suddenly, as we’re talking about it, it seems ridiculously funny. Danny knows just where to be sympathetic and just where to laugh and for the first time in longer than I can remember, I’m feeling the joy that comes from that connection with an attractive man. I’m remembering how to flirt. Danny makes it easy. He is so charming, so natural. We laugh at the same jokes. We end up ordering a veggie burger and a giant salad, deciding to share both. He finally orders a drink. Beer. I should have known.

“Danny, you haven’t said, what do you do for a living?”

“I’m a writer.”

“A real writer? Like you make a living writing? Or a waiter who is writing a novel?”

Danny laughs uproariously. “Nice talk,” he says. “But, no … I make a living.”

“Well, I’m impressed then. I have no talents. Is it possible I’ve read anything you have written?”

“It is very unlikely,” he replies. “I mostly write articles and essays for magazines and educational materials. Extremely boring.”

“Still. That’s pretty cool.”

“I’m glad I can score some cool points somewhere.”

“True,” I agree. “After admitting you love Star Trek, you needed something to put you back over the edge.”

We continue to laugh and flirt. We feed each other bites of veggie burger and fresh vegetables from the amazing salad. Danny is fascinated by my relationships with Andy and Lynne and my mother, but he doesn’t have a lot to say about his own relationships.

“My mother died when I was a kid, and my father and I don’t speak. I have a few friends, but nothing like what you have with Lynne and Andy. There is no one in my life who has been there since grade school or even from my twenties.”

“How old are you?” I had put off asking, because he looks younger than me and I was hoping it wasn’t by a lot

“I’m thirty-five,” he replies.

Five years. Does that make me a cougar? I’ll have to ask Steve and Erik, they’ll know. I don’t think five years makes that much of a difference, but it still makes me the older woman. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

“How old are you?” Danny asks, touching my hand lightly.

“Forty.”

He clutches his hand to his chest. “Dear God, no!”

“Shut up!” I throw a piece of cucumber at him.

“Five years is nothing,” Danny says easily.

Easy for him to say. He’s on the younger side of five years. I hate being the older one in a relationship, everyone expects me to be the responsible one.

I lean forward and touch his wrist. He immediately flips his hand around and takes mine. There is a small electrical pulse running through my body. Part of it is the high of a fantastic conversation, part of it is the feel of his skin. I want to have his arm around me. I’m thinking in romance novel clichés now. I’m pretty sure my bosom is heaving.

“Danny, tell me one of your deep, dark secrets.”

He shifts, leaning closer, holding my hand tightly. His voice is low and deep.

“You have to promise not to tell anyone,” he whispers.

“I promise,” I reply, whispering as well.

“I can’t have exposed feet when I sleep.”

“What? Like your feet have to be under the covers”

“Yeah. Even when it’s really hot, I can’t sleep if I don’t at least have a sheet tucked around both feet.”

“In case of what?” I’m still whispering.

“I’m not sure. Anything. Murderers, ghosts, bears, whatever.” His face is slightly flushed.

“I can see ghosts sneaking in through the bottom of the bed, but I can’t imagine bears and murderers taking the same approach.”

“I can’t explain it. I’m not afraid of the dark. But if I’m in bed, I have anxiety if my feet are out of the covers.”

“That’s not too bad,” I console.

“Really?”

“No, I have one, too.”

Danny finishes his beer, orders us both more drinks. The waitress has given up trying to flirt with him. Maybe he is on his best behavior because it’s our first date, but he hasn’t even responded to her not-so-subtle hints. “Go on,” he says.

“I’m really afraid of bugs.”

“Bah. Lots of people are afraid of bugs.”

“Yes, but say I see something lying on the floor that looks like a bug, and my first impression is that it is, indeed a bug.”

“Go on,” Danny says, smiling.

“Well, I’m so afraid of bugs that even after I figure out that it isn’t a bug, I still can’t pick it up.”

“So, for example, you see a leaf…”

“Or a piece of string.”

“Or a piece of string on the floor, and you know that it isn’t a bug…”

“I know now! But I first thought it was a bug.”

“Of course. But you have now determined that it is, indeed, a leaf or a piece of string.”

“Yes.”

“And you still won’t pick it up.”

“That’s correct.”

Danny laughs. “That might be worse than the whole foot thing.”

“It’s a little weird, I know.”

“It is a little weird.”

Bradley is trying to catch my eye from behind the bar. I look up and realize that we are the only ones left in the place. “Danny, we should probably go.”

The waitress brings our check and Danny insists on paying. I glance at the bill to make sure he leaves a good tip, which he does. Another point to the good side.

Walking to my car, Danny takes my hand gently. He can’t be more than 5’10 and in my heels, we are the same height. I turn my head to look at him as we walk. In profile, he is even more beautiful. His nose is perfectly straight and his jaw curves around sharply. I want to touch his face.

“Do you have a long drive?” he asks.

“I live in Westlake, just across from Bay. How about you?”

“I live on 117th in Cleveland. Just on the other side of the city line from here.”

“That explains why you were able to come to Polly’s every day to stalk me,” I say, laughing.

He turns to me as we reach my car. “I don’t want to play any stupid games. I like you a lot, and I want to spend more time with you. I want to go out with you again. I’m asking for permission to call you.”

“Yes. Yes, I want to see you again, too. Do you want my number?”

“I have your cell. Caller ID. You should give me your home number, too.”

“I should?”

He nods. “What if there is a cell phone emergency? What if you drop your cell phone in a mud puddle? What if the tower gets struck by lightning? I’ll need to call the plain old-fashioned land line.”

I give up and give him my home number. “But don’t call it unless you can’t get me on my cell for some reason. My current roommates cannot be trusted to take messages.”

I smile up at him, while leaning back slightly on my car. If he can’t pick up that I want him to kiss me from this, he doesn’t deserve a kiss.

Oh, he’s picked it up. He takes my face gently in his hands. His lips are soft against mine. He gently closes his lips over mine, lightly at first, then a little harder. I open my mouth just enough to invite his tongue and he obliges by sliding just the tip of it around the inside of my lips. His hands twine into the hair at the back of my neck and he pulls me a little harder against him. I let out a small sigh and he steps back.

“I’m sorry,” he says.

Sorry. Sorry about what. He is about the best kisser I have ever experienced in my life. For the first time ever, I’m wishing for long hair and I make a vow to start growing it. Danny is searching my eyes. “I don’t want to rush anything. I really like you. I better go.”

Part of me thinks he is telling me what I want to hear, or what he thinks I want to hear, so he can get a second date. But his face is so worried and his voice is so sincere, I can’t help but believe him. I lean over, kiss him lightly on that strong jaw and turn towards my car. “I’ve had a wonderful time. Thank you.”

He opens my car door and puts out a hand to help me into the driver’s seat.”Thank you. Davey, seriously, this has been the best evening I’ve had in years.”

“You need to get out more,” I quip as I start my car.

Driving back to my place, I keep playing our date over and over in my head. His hands, his smile, his laugh. I root around in my purse for my cell phone.

“Davey-baby,” Andy answers.

“I just had the world’s best date! What are you doing?”

“I’m at Dick’s with a bunch of boys. Want to come for a drink?”

I think about it for a second.

“No, I better get home. I just wanted to tell you about my date.”

“Come over for breakfast tomorrow and tell me all about it,” she says.

“Breakfast?” I’m surprised. “Are you cooking?”

“No, you are. What are we having?”

“I have to work tomorrow, how about Sunday brunch at our place. I’ll get my mom to cook.”

“Great idea. I haven’t seen Leah since our lunch date.”

“Yeah, how was that?”

“She’s worried about me. She’s worried about you. Typical mom stuff.”

“Let me guess, she thinks you need to settle down and stop breaking hearts.”

Andy laughs. “Bingo.”

“And she wants me to get a different job because she’s afraid some pro-lifer is going to bomb the facility.”

“Right again!”

“I don’t know what I have to do to get her to understand that there is a big difference between working for a support center and working for a sexual health clinic.”

“You both give out free condoms.”

“Very comedic. Night Andy.”

“’Night baby girl.”

Chapter Six

I feel fantastic today. My mother is up and making coffee already. Lynne is still sleeping on the couch. Harry is nowhere to be seen. I can only hope he has run away from home. I’m an animal lover, I don’t wish him any harm. I just want him to live somewhere else.

“Morning, Leah,” I sing, kissing my mother on the cheek. “Didn’t even hear you come in last night.”

“Oh, Darling, the class was phenomenal! Sheila is brilliant.”

“Sheila?”

“Dr. Ward. She was thrilling. She taught us all about how to empower ourselves as women to make sure that we get what we want in bed and out of it.”

“That sounds fascinating,” I say, trying to keep the sarcasm out of my voice.

“It was fascinating,” Leah insists. “So much so that Lynne and I asked Sheila to go out for dinner with us after class. Our treat!”

“Wow, that’s amazing.” I grab a cup of coffee and toss in some non-dairy creamer.

“Next time, you have to go with us. She’s going to talk about multiple orgasms.”

“I am not going to a class to learn about multiple orgasms!”

“Well, do you have them, sweetie?” Leah looks concerned.

“Mother!” I’m completely mortified. “I don’t want to talk about my sex life.”

“Speaking of which, how was your date?”

“He’s an angel. Sincere, gentle, warm, funny. Charming. Extremely cute.”

Leah snorts. “Men are not sincere. And if he is gentle and warm on the first date, it’s because he wants to get laid.”

“I don’t think he just wants to get laid. He wasn’t at all pushy.”

“Men are good at hiding it in the beginning. Look at Joe.”

“I have to go to work. I’m not having this conversation.”

I pour my coffee into a to-go cup and make my exit.

“Darling,” Leah calls after me. “Don’t fuck him until we’ve all met him!”

Steve is sitting on my desk when I get into work. “Well?”

“Well what?”

“Oh please, how was your date?”

Erik looks up from his desk. “Spill the beans. How was it?”

I smile slightly.

“Oh, God. It’s the I’m freshly laid face!” Steve screams.

“No, no. We didn’t have sex. We just had a wonderful evening.”

Erik shakes his head. “If you were both men, you would have had sex before the second course.”

Steve laughs. “It’s true. Erik gave me a blow job in the car on the way to our first date.”

I cover my face with my hands. “I can’t believe you just told me that!”

Erik shakes his head. “I can’t believe we didn’t tell you that before.”

Steve heads to the coffee machine. “Seriously, though. Did he kiss you good night?”

I flop down into my chair and put my feet on my desk. “Yes, as a matter of fact. He did.”

“Ooh, kiss and tell,” Erik says.

“He was perhaps the best kisser of all time.”

“Whoa.” Steve sits back down at his desk.

The three of us gossip about my date until Ron comes into the office.

“Davey, how was your date?”

“Should we send out a memo? Do you think the accounting department wants to hear about this? Shall I call the janitor?”

Ron laughs. “Don’t be so touchy. We love you. Besides, you’re a lot bitchier when you’re celibate.”

“Ah, the truth comes out.”

Steve puts his hand on his heart. “I’ll take celibate Davey over “brokenhearted by that asshole Joe” Davey!”

“Stop,” I warn.

“So how was it?” Ron is nothing if not persistent.

“Honestly, it was fantastic!”

“Excellent. Do you have the replies on the last mass mailing we sent out?”

“Sir, yes sir,” I salute. I reach into my file cabinet and hand him the papers in question.

“Excellent.” He pauses in the doorway. “Jonah Aster’s mother is giving a speech at the benefit next month. I heard her speak to a small group last night. She’s powerful.”

Steve nods. “I’m glad she agreed to do it.”

I am, too. We can talk all we want about the need for compassion and acceptance, but it means so much more coming from someone who has seen the devastation caused by a lack of it. My heart goes out to Jonah’s mom.

Ron heads to the door. “I hope she makes a hell of an impression on our donors.”

We all concur and Ron leaves the room. I settle into my work day, thinking alternately about a sweet faced dead teenage boy and a sweet faced, very much alive thirty-five year old man.

I’m about ready to head out to lunch when Andy calls my cell.

“Davey baby, how’s it going?”

“It’s a good day, oh studly one. How about you?”

Andy sighs. “I must be getting old. I just canceled my date for tonight. I just don’t have it in me to be charming and sexy. Want to come over after work?”

“Sounds great. We can order a pizza and watch a movie.”

“My turn to pick the movie, though, I’m sick of that emotional PMS crap you make me watch.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I say, laughing. My phone beeps. Danny is calling on the other line.

“Andy, gotta go. See you this evening.”

“Bye, Davey baby.” I hit the talk button.

“Hey.” His voice instantly sends little shivers down my spine.

“Hey.”

He clears his throat. “I wanted to make sure that I hadn’t imagined what a great connection we had with each other last night.”

“No, you didn’t imagine it,” I say, softly. I look up. Steve and Erik are both leaning half off of their own chairs, listening to my conversation. I flip them off and turn towards the wall.

“I was hoping I could see you again. Soon. Like tonight.”

“I have plans tonight with Andy,” I answer. “What about tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow sounds great. Morning, afternoon, or evening?”

“How about afternoon? I have brunch with the girls in the morning.”

He laughs. “You’re extremely popular.”

“Only with family. They have to be nice to me.”

“Well, can I pick you up at two?”

“Pick me up? At my place?” My stomach drops.

“Why not?”

“Um, my mother and Lynne might be there.” I can’t even imagine the scene.

“I’d love to meet them,” he answers. “I need faces to go with the stories.”

“Danny, you can’t meet my mother, we haven’t even had a second date.”

“It will be our second date. It’s fine. Are you ashamed of me?”

“Not you!”

Danny laughs again. “Give me your address. I’ll see you at two tomorrow.”

I have barely put down the phone when it rings again.

“Davey, darling!”

“Leah, what’s going on?”

“I just wanted to see what time you’re coming home for dinner. I want to make moussaka.”

“I’m not. I’m going to Andy’s after work.”

“And Lynne has a date tonight, so I guess I’ll skip the moussaka.”

“Lynne has a date?” I’m dumbfounded. “With whom?”

“I have no idea. I figure she will tell us when she’s ready.”

“I guess. I better go. Hey, I invited Andy for Sunday brunch.”

“Sounds good. I’ll make something spectacular. Love you darling.”

“Love you, too.”

The rest of the work day goes by in a blur and I am walking on air by the time I get to Andy’s house. I walk in and head straight for the kitchen for a beer. “Hey,” I yell as I’m walking through.

“Hey, I’ll be out in a minute,” Andy yells back.

“Beer?”

“Yep.”

I grab a couple of beers and walk through to the bedroom. Andy is walking out of the master bathroom, toweling off her shaved head. She’s completely naked and, as usual, I can’t get over the perfection of her body. I sigh. “Andy, I really want your body.”

She laughs. “Too bad you don’t mean that the way it sounds.”

“Funny.” I hand her a beer and sit on the bed and watch as she goes to the closet.

“Hmm,” I say. “What should I wear today? Jeans and a muscle shirt or sweats and a muscle shirt?”

“Very funny,” she says, whipping a t-shirt at my face.

“Ah, a ten year old blue muscle shirt. Vintage. Very good choice.” I toss it back to her and she slips it on.

Andy lies down on the bed. I fall back next to her. She turns to face me. “So tell me about Mr. Wonderful,” she says.

“Oh, Andy. He’s amazing. We talked and laughed and he is just so sweet, and so gentle.”

“Meh,” she says. “Gentle is for weenies.”

“Stop it. He really was. He held my chair for me, and opened the car door.”

“A gentleman! Thank God. Did he kiss you goodnight?”

“Yes, he…” I stop at a knock on the door.

“I’ll go see who it is while you put on some pants,” I say, getting out of bed.

I open the door to a woman I don’t know. “Hi.”

She stalks past me, clipping my shoulder with hers. “Where’s Andy?” she demands angrily.

Andy comes out of the bedroom, buttoning her jeans. “Hey, Heather? What’s up?”

“What’s up? You canceled our date to hang out with a friend and I come here to find you with this bitch!”

“First of all, why are you showing up at my house when I canceled our date?” Andy puts her hand on the wall next to Heather’s face. “Second of all, this is my best friend. My straight best friend, in case it is any of your business. And you will not ever refer to her as a bitch. Understood?”

Heather glares at me, then looks back as Andy. “Yeah, right, straight best friend.”

“Andy, I should leave you alone to deal with this,” I say, walking towards the door.

“Screw that!” Andy is pissed now. “Heather is leaving.”

“Fuck you, Andy!” Heather screams. “We had plans.”

“And now we don’t.” Andy takes the girl’s arm and starts herding her towards the door.

“Wait, wait, wait.” I raise my hands. “Look, I really am Andy’s friend. I really am straight. I really did just come here to talk about the amazing man I just met. I’m not a threat.”

Heather relaxes a little. Andy lets go of her arm and leans back against the wall. “I’ll call you tomorrow,” she says.

The girl shakes her head. “No, don’t. You can’t fuck with people and expect them to come running back to you, Andy. You’re hot now, but someday you are going to be old and alone and bitter and your so-called straight best friend is going to be married and out of your life. See how many women come running then.”

She turns around and stalks out the door. Andy looks at me and shrugs. “So how about we order a pizza?” She grins.

I search her face, trying to see if she is bothered by what Heather said. I worry about her, too, but I know that no matter what happens, whether I get married or she does, we will never abandon each other. “Andy, are you all right?”

“Whatever,” she says, picking up the phone. You want veggie supreme or mushroom?”

Chapter Seven

Sunday is my favorite day of the week. Since I’m off on Sundays and Mondays, it’s the first day of my weekend. I can sleep in, have a leisurely brunch and the day is still wide open. This morning, we are sitting around the table, eating my mother’s famous crepes. Andy stopped by the farmer’s market on her way in and bought a bunch of fresh fruit. And Lynne and Leah had apparently gone on a cleaning frenzy last night, because there is not only room for all four of us at the table, but there are actually clean spots on the counter.

Andy uses her crepe to sop up some maple syrup. “Leah, if I wasn’t already in love with your daughter, I would marry you just for these crepes.”

“Very funny.” I stick my tongue out at her.

“It took me a long time to perfect them,” Leah says. “Especially after Davey told me I couldn’t use eggs.”

“Eggs are animals, too.”

“Not technically,” Lynne says.

“Well, I guess they are.” Andy looks thoughtful. “They’re kind of like chicken miscarriages, aren’t they?”

“Andy, that’s fucking disgusting!” Lynne throws down her fork.

“Well, anyway,” I say, popping a grape into my mouth, “they’re more like chicken menstrual cycles.”

“I think I just threw up in my mouth,” Lynne says.

Leah nods. “I agree. It’s an unfertilized egg. So technically it isn’t like eating an animal. It would be more like eating one of your unfertilized eggs.”

Andy chuckles. “I wouldn’t want to eat one of my ovum.” She grins at the look on Lynne’s face. “Oh come, on. You eat animals. What the animals go through to get to your plate is way more disgusting than this conversation.”

“It’s a matter of the natural cycle of life, Andy. We are higher on the food chain than animals. We eat them to live.”

“Bullshit,” I answer. “Studies have shown that vegetarians — especially vegans — are way healthier than meat eaters.”

“You can’t get enough protein without meat,” Lynne says.

Andy looks up. “You can. You just have to be more discerning in your food choices.”

Leah looks at Andy. “Sweetheart, has Davey finally converted you?”

“No, I try, but I still fall off the wagon occasionally.”

“I’ve been trying to convert her for years.” I shrug. “She comes most of the way, then stops.”

“Sort of your reaction to me trying to convert you,” Andy says, laughing.

Leah looks wistful. “I always wished that Davey would become a lesbian.”

“Mom!” I laugh. “People don’t become lesbians.”

“Don’t call me mom. And I know people don’t become lesbians, but sometimes they do have a late in life realization.”

Andy shakes her head. “I could be so lucky.”

“Speaking of which, Lynne, what’s the scoop?”

She grins, looking like a guilty child. “The scoop about what?”

“Come on,” I say. “Leah said you had a date last night.”

“A date?” Andy looks shocked and amused. “Can it be so?”

Lynne is still smiling. “I met her at work.”

Lynne works in an office, as a receptionist. She constantly talks about how she is wasting her life and she needs to get out, but I think she likes the nine-to-five thing.

Andy shakes her head. “Lynne, you know my motto … don’t get your…”

“Honey where you get your money,” Lynne and I both chime in.

“Well, it’s a good rule of thumb.”

“She isn’t technically a co-worker anyway,” Lynne says, looking sheepish.

“So who is she?” I asked. I’m intrigued. Lynne has been in a relationship for so long that I don’t ever remember having the first date playback with her before.

She clears her throat. “Um. She’s the UPS driver.”

Andy bellows with laughter. “The UPS driver! That’s so lesbian cliché.”

“I know, I know.” Lynne holds up her hands. “I can’t help it. She’s just so cute. And you know I love a butch in uniform.”

We’re all laughing. “Well, how was the date?”

“It was great. It was really great,” she says.

“And?” Leah wants more details.

“And that’s it.”

I search Lynne’s face. “Oh my God, you had sex with her!”

Lynne laughs. “Um, yes.”

I shriek. “I can’t believe it! Sex on the first date, you tramp!”

We all laugh hysterically. “Wait a minute,” Andy says. “I always have sex on the first date, what does that make me?”

“A stud,” Leah says.

Andy throws her head back and laughs deeply.

“Lynne, you won the bet,” I say, “but I don’t begrudge it. Good for you. Are you going to see her again?”

“Maybe. She’s younger than me, which freaks me out a little.”

“How much younger?” Andy asks.

“She’s twenty-five.”

“Twenty-five!” I’m shocked. “She’s a baby!”

“I know, I know.”

Leah shakes her head. “There’s nothing wrong with dating someone younger. I do it all of the time. Just have a good time.”

“Leah, you always tell me not to have sex on the first date. Why are you encouraging Lynne?”

“It’s different with women. Men can’t be trusted. You have to keep the upper hand.”

“Whatever. I like Danny. I think he’s trustworthy.”

“Are you going to have sex with him on the second date?” Andy asks.

“Not here, that’s for sure.”

Speaking of which, I glance at the clock. I can’t believe how long we’ve been sitting here. “Ladies, this has been great, but I need to get ready.”

“Go ahead,” Lynne says. “We’ll clean up.”

“No, no, I have time. How about I do the dishes, and you all go out somewhere?”

“Hell no,” my mother says. “We want to meet Mr. McDreamy.”

Lynne nods agreement. “Absolutely,” Lynne says. “We’ve heard enough about him.”

I look at Andy for help, but she’s leaning back in her chair, hands crossed behind her head. She’s not going anywhere.

“Fine, but could you all promise to please not embarrass me?”

They all start talking at once. “Of course not! We wouldn’t think of it!”

I sigh and head to the shower.

It’s almost two o’clock. To their credit, the living room looks great. Lynne’s clothes are stacked in neat piles, or hanging on the bar Andy installed along one wall. The chairs are all empty, except mine, on which, of course, Harry is sleeping. Leah has been on a domestic goddess kick, so there are new curtains and matching throw pillows. The place is actually starting to look pretty good. Of course, it would look better if Lynne’s shoes weren’t stuffed into all of my bookshelves and my bedroom wasn’t overflowing with my mother’s stuff, but it still looks pretty good. At least, good enough for the brief glance that Danny will get as I shove him out the door.

He’s here. I look around at the ladies. Leah is sitting on the couch, Lynne is in an armchair, and Andy is perched on the arm of Lynne’s chair, looking completely relaxed. I was watching them both throughout brunch, trying to determine if there was any sexual tension, but whatever flirting was going on during that one Thursday night drink fest seems to be over. Perhaps the young UPS driver was just what Lynne needed.

I open the door, smiling brightly, then recoil in shock. “Sarah?”

Lynne jumps up. “Sarah?”

We all stand there staring at each other for a moment, until Leah comes forward. “Sarah, you may not remember me, I’m Davey’s mother, Leah.”

Sarah wrests her eyes away from Lynne for a second. “It’s nice to meet you.”

I look at Sarah. She smells like beer. This is not going to be good.

“Please, do come in and have a seat,” Leah says, motioning towards the couch.

“I’m just here to talk to Lynne.”

Lynne is still frozen in place. Andy nudges the back of her leg with a toe.

“Sarah, what are you doing here?”

Sarah is still standing in the doorway. Danny taps on the open door and looks inside. “Hi, sorry. The door is open. I wasn’t sure…” He stops as we all turn to look at him soundlessly.

“I’m sorry,” he continues. “Perhaps this is a bad time.”

My legs finally unfreeze. “No, Danny. No. Not at all. We just have a surprise visitor. Lynne, why don’t you take Sarah into the kitchen?” I gently push at Sarah’s shoulder to get her out of the way. Taking Danny by the hand, I quickly say, “Danny, Lynne. Sarah. Andy. Leah.” I point them out as I call out their names. “Ladies, Danny. Okay, we’re out of here.”

Danny is laughing. “Leah, you are Davey’s mother, right?”

Leah steps forward and smiles coquettishly at Danny. “I am, darling. I have heard so much about you.”

Danny gently takes Leah’s hand and holds it in both of his for a moment. “I’m delighted to meet you, Leah.”

She smiles up at him. “Would you like to come in and have a cup of coffee or a glass of wine?”

“No, Leah, thanks,” I interrupt. “We’re going to go.”

Sarah is still standing there, looking confused. I give Lynne a look, then motion towards the kitchen with my head. Lynne finally takes the hint and leads Sarah into the other room. “Are you drunk?” I hear her hiss as they leave the room.

I turn to apologize to Danny, but Andy has now stood up and is shaking his hand. “I’m Andy.”

“Of course,” Danny says. “Davey’s best friend.”

“That’s right.” They eye each other for a moment. Andy resumes her perch on the arm of the chair. “So what do you have planned for my girl today?”

My girl? I raise one eyebrow at Andy, but she is looking intently at Danny and doesn’t even glance my way.

Danny doesn’t flinch. “I thought we would go downtown and walk along the shops, go to a bookstore, then maybe hit a little cafe that serves vegan ice cream.”

Andy inclines her head slightly. “Sounds exciting.” There is not a hint of sarcasm in her voice, but I know her well enough.

“Come on, Danny. We should probably…” I cut off and Lynne and Sarah start yelling at each other from the kitchen. “How dare you show up here drunk?”

“Fuck you. I’ve been calling and calling and you refuse to answer!”

“So you feel the need to show up drunk?”

“Yeah, at least if I’m drunk, I don’t have to think about how miserable I am!”

“Oh, give me a break. That’s one more great way to blame me for your alcoholism. I’m fucking sick of it!”

Danny and I look at each other. Leah clears her throat. “Well, it was nice meeting you, Danny. Don’t get too full on ice cream, though, I’m making moussaka for dinner tonight.”

Sarah screams from the kitchen, “You’re willing to throw away a fifteen-year marriage for some one night stand?”

Leah yells back, “At least she thinks I’m fuckable!”

Danny raises his voice a bit. “What’s moussaka?” he asks.

“It’s eggplant, tomato, onions, zucchini and a tomato sauce, layered and baked. It’s quite good for you.”

“That sounds fantastic,” Danny smiles at my mother. I can tell she is totally charmed by him.

“Leah,” I say. “You can’t put butter in the bread crumbs.”

“I know, sweetie. I dated a vegan for a while. Armand. He had horrible taste in music, but he was fantastic in bed.”

Danny is chuckling softly. I smile at him and take his hand.

Lynne and Sarah are still screaming at each other from the kitchen so I pull Danny towards the door. Andy nods. “Nice meeting you.”

Danny smiles back. “You too, Andy.”

“I’ll see you at dinner tonight.”

Leah looks thrilled. “Oh, Andy, you’re staying for dinner. That’s wonderful. I’m going to call Sheila and invite her, too!”

The sex doctor. Great. I can feel a twitch starting in my right eye. I drag Danny by the hand and get halfway out the door before Leah speaks again.

“ Danny, I hope you can handle being the only man in a group of strong, independent women!”

“I think I can handle it,” he says dryly

I’m shaking my head as we walk to his car. I knew it was a bad idea for him to pick me up at home. He opens the door for me, and ushers me into the passenger seat. I don’t care if it means I’m not a feminist, I like a man who opens doors for me. I watch as he gets into the driver’s seat.

“Ford,” I say, in a deep voice. “A nice, solid American choice!”

“The Mustang is a classic,” he agrees.

“What is this, a 2000?”

Danny looks impressed. “She knows her cars!”

“Not really.” I decide to be honest. “My grandfather is a Ford man. He bought the 2000 when it came out. My grandmother wanted him to get a Taurus. To be fair, he looks pretty awesome driving it, even at almost eighty years old.”

Danny laughs. “Sounds like my kind of guy. Are both of your grandparents still alive?”

“They are. They live in a huge house on Lake Road.”

“That’s the house you grew up in?”

“Yeah. Leah was always taking off with on some adventure or another. She and my grandparents agreed that it would be best for me to stay with them when she wasn’t around.”

“Did you miss her?” He looks sincerely interested.

“I did and I didn’t. I liked living with my grandparents and, of course, Andy lived close by, so I wouldn’t have wanted to leave anyway.”

We merge onto the freeway, headed for downtown Cleveland. “You and Andy have been friends since childhood, you said.”

“Yes, we were seven when we met.”

“And you stayed friends throughout middle school, high school, college?”

“Yes, we never had that growing away from each other that many childhood friends have. Andy has been there for me through every event in my life, good and bad.”

Danny looks thoughtful. “It’s hard to compete with that.”

“There’s no competition. Andy is gay, I’m straight. But she is my best friend and my chosen family. You will have to get along with her if you want to date me.”

Danny smiles. “I’ll get along with her.”

I lean my head against the back of the seat. “Besides, I think you two will find you have a lot in common.”

“I’m sure.”

We ride along in silence for a while.

“Danny?”

He glances at me, smiles, and takes my hand. “Yes?”

“You mentioned that your mother died.”

“She died when I was ten.”

“I’m sorry. What was she like?”

“She was wonderful. Warm, loving. She believed in me, no matter what I wanted to do. If I had said I wanted to be an astronaut, she would have found a way to support me in that goal. She was truly an amazing person.”

“She sounds great. You must have been devastated.”

“I was. She was the kind of person who could grow anything. Flowers, vegetables, you name it. No matter what else happened, we always had something delicious and fresh to eat.”

“What did she do to support you after your dad left?”

“She was a painter. Not a great one, though I thought so at the time. A good one, though. She painted desert sunsets and up close shots of flowers. She painted me a couple of times.” He’s smiling fondly.

“I wish I could have met her.”

He laughs. “She would have loved you.”

“Why are you laughing?”

“Because you both have that incredible warmth, that desire to make things better for people. Like my mother, you have this ability to make me happier just by being in the same room with me. That’s a rare talent.”

“Hmm.” I pause. “And your dad?”

“He’s a dick.” He’s looking straight ahead, no hint of a smile now.

“Is that it?”

“They were divorced. He left when I was a baby and didn’t want to have anything to do with me. Mom never asked for child support, and she changed my last name to Walker, which was her maiden name. We lived alone in a tiny little house in New Mexico. We didn’t have a lot of money, but my mom always made it look great. The people in our town were all kind of strange. It was a community of free thinkers. I loved it there. Unfortunately, after my mom died, I was sent to live with my dad. He kind of had to take me in. By then he was married to someone else, she hated me, too.”

I stroke the back of his hand. “Where did they live?”

“Massachusetts.”

“Wow.” I look at his profile. “Danny, I’m sorry.”

Danny smiles at me. “It was a long time ago and I’ve gotten past it. It wasn’t like they were abusive. They just didn’t want a child and felt that life had forced me on them. It really upset their world for a while.”

“What did you do?”

“I found solace in my writing. I was a lonely kid — but then, a lot of us are. I didn’t know anyone in my new school, and I was different, so I didn’t make friends.”

“Yeah, kids suck.”

“Yeah. Anyway, I lived with them for eight years and as soon as I graduated from high school, I took off.”

“Where did you go from there?” I’m intrigued. I want to know everything about him.

“Everywhere. I started by driving back to New Mexico, but it wasn’t the same. And I really didn’t have a way to make money in that small town. So, I moved around a bit more. Then I started making a little money with my writing and I bought a house in Seattle.”

“Seattle? Why?”

“I happened to be there when I decided to stop moving. I was dating a girl.”

I feel an irrational tug of jealousy towards the ex-girlfriend. “What happened to her?”

“She left me for a big, buff Ted the douche-bag type.”

“Get out.”

We’re in the heart of downtown now. I love that Danny is a capable driver. He pulls smoothly into a parallel parking space on the street.

“Hang on,” he says, then comes around to my side to open my door and give me a hand out.

“Danny.” I’m looking at him seriously.

“Yes,” he smiles down at me.

“If we start dating, you better keep opening doors for me.”

He looks taken aback. “We are dating.”

“I mean dating dating.”

“You mean like going steady dating?”

“Well, we aren’t teenagers, so I might not put it that way, but yeah.”

“I’m not dating anyone else.” He looks dead serious now.

“Well, neither am I, but Danny, really, this is only our second date.”

“I think it can be considered our third date, since I got to know a lot about you while you were trying to get to know the douche-bag with the bulging biceps.”

“That doesn’t count and you know it.”

“I guess that means you aren’t going to count the times I stalked you at Polly’s, either.”

I give him a look. “Danny.”

“I know. I’m not trying to pressure you into anything, but I like you a lot. More than I’ve liked anyone in a long time. And I want to keep going out with you and getting to know you.”

I start walking down the sidewalk towards the row of shops. “Tell me that again after dinner with my mother.”

“Tell me something.”

“Of course.”

“How did you get so involved in the gay community?”

“Ah, you mean because my two best friends are lesbians and I work in an LGBT care center?”

He laughs. “Pretty much.”

“Andy knew she was gay from a very young age and the other kids knew there was something different about her. Because she was my best friend, they were always accusing me of being gay, too. I don’t know if it was having Leah for a mother, or my love for Andy, but I never went through a phase where I thought there was something wrong with being gay. Maybe it is because I’m straight, but still had to deal with the homophobia. I didn’t have that inner voice telling me there might be something wrong with me. I just had the secure knowledge that there was absolutely nothing wrong with my best friend and I didn’t want anyone trying to tell her otherwise.”

We walk into a cafe and order coffee. “I met Lynne at a feminist book club way back in the day.”

“Was it one of those bra-burning, man-bashing type things?” he asks.

“Of course not. It was just a women in literature kind of thing.”

“All right.”

“And the job just happened by accident. I have a Bachelor’s degree in English. I was partway through my Master’s when I realized that I didn’t want to be a teacher. I had always had fantasies about writing for a living, but eventually came to the realization that I didn’t have the talent to do so. And there I was, racking up all kinds of student loan debt, without any idea of what I was going to do after I graduated. So, I dropped out and kind of floated along at various jobs until Andy heard about the job at the Care Center. I applied, I was hired, the rest is history.”

“How long have you been there?”

“Seven years.”

“You must love it.”

I look at him seriously. “I love it and hate it. I love that we are doing such great things and helping so many kids. I hate that we can’t help them all. I hate that I can’t single-handedly change the minds of all of the closed-minded, ignorant hate-mongers in the world.

He puts his arm around me and kisses me lightly on the cheek. “You’re doing more than most people do.”

“Change the subject. Tell me an interesting fact about yourself.”

Danny thinks for a minute. “What if there are no interesting facts about me?”

I punch him lightly on the arm. “Come on.”

“Hmm. Oh, I know. I can play the harmonica.”

“You can?”

“True story.”

“Wow. I wish I had talents.”

“I’m sure you have talents.”

“No, I don’t know how to do anything. I can’t speak another language or play an instrument.”

Danny laughs. “We’ll figure something out.”

“Danny, what’s your full name?”

“Daniel Edward Walker. What’s yours?”

“Davey Carter.”

“You don’t have a middle name?”

I blush. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Danny looks intrigued. “Come on, you have to tell me now.”

I roll my eyes towards the sky. “My stupid mother!”

He laughs again. “Tell me or I’ll tickle you until you wet your pants!”

“Oh, that would be romantic!”

“Davey,” he warns.

“It’s Thoris.”

Danny looks intrigued. “No.”

“Oh yes, I’m afraid so.”

“Davey Thoris Carter.”

I nod grimly.

Danny throws his head back and laughs for a long time, wiping his eyes with the edge of his t-shirt.

“Are you quite finished?” I ask.

“I’m sorry, it’s perfect. Why didn’t she name you Dejah?”

“She was going to. But at the last minute, she met some guy named Davey who chanted over her while she gave birth, and she decided that she would honor him with a namesake.”

“Wow,” Danny says, grinning.

“She didn’t want to completely give up the idea, though, so she kept Thoris.”

Danny smiles and takes my hand. “That’s it. If we end up getting married, I’m taking your name and changing my first name to John.”

“Well, John and Davey sounds a lot less adorable than Danny and Davey.”

“Good point. Maybe I should change my name to Dave.”

“Dave and Davey.” I’m laughing now.

Danny puts his arms around me and gives me a tight hug. “Come on, Davey Thoris. Let’s go in search of a bookstore. I’m suddenly in the mood for some Burroughs.”

“Just don’t expect me to dress like her,” I mutter under my breath.

Danny and I have a wonderful afternoon and we’re laughing and holding hands as we get back to my apartment. I stop in the doorway, surprised. It looks as though everyone has been busy. There are new shelves along one of the walls, and Lynne’s clothes are all folded in them. Her shoes have their own shelf. The entire place has been scrubbed. And Leah’s moussaka smells fantastic. I feel a little swell of love for my odd little family.

Leah comes out of the kitchen as we enter the living room. “Darlings! Dinner will be served in about a half an hour. Lynne left with Sarah to have a talk. Andy will be back any moment, she’s out getting more fruit for dessert. Have a seat. Danny, would you like a glass of wine?”

“Thank you, Leah, I actually don’t drink wine. But we stopped for beer, do you have room in the fridge?”

“Here. Let me take it.” I grab the six pack and head toward the kitchen. Behind my back, I hear Danny talking to Leah.

“I brought these for you.”

“Oh, flowers! I love flowers. Let me put these in a vase. Please, sit down, put your feet up.” She follows me into the kitchen.

“Put your feet up?” I look quizzically at Leah. “Pretty sweet words from someone who thinks every man is just out for free sex.”

Leah smiles as she finds a vase. “I have to admit that he does seem very sweet. There’s something very sincere about him.” She pauses. “Of course, sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”

“Funny.” I grab a couple of beers and go back to the living room. I pass Andy on my way out of the kitchen, she’s bringing the fruit to my mother.

“Hey Davey-baby, how was your window shopping?”

I glare at her. “You had better be planning on being nice tonight,” I say in an undertone. “So far, you’re being an ass.”

Andy shrugs and wanders into the kitchen.

I walk out to find Danny looking at the photographs on my wall.

“What’s all of this?”

I hand him a beer and look at my collection. I’m actually pretty proud of this wall. I collected old black and white photos from thrift stores, and from my grandparents and matted and framed them all. They’re grouped together on a plain white wall. I’ve always loved the effect.

“Well, some of them are related to me, and some of them are strangers.” I point to a picture in the middle. “That’s my grandparent’s wedding photo.”

Danny peers at it closely. “You look at lot like your grandmother.”

I smile at him. “I’ve always thought she looked beautiful in that picture.”

He leans closer. “You look beautiful right now.” He lips find mine again and I melt into his kiss.

“Ahem, ahem. So sorry to interrupt.” Andy walks out of the kitchen with a bottle of water and perches on the arm of a chair. Her favorite spot.

“No problem,” Danny says easily. He looks at me. “May I use your restroom?”

“Of course.” I lead him to the hallway and point out the bathroom. “Just don’t peek in my bedroom,” I admonish. “Leah has left it a complete mess.”

I sit on the couch, facing Andy. I’m just eying her, waiting for her to say something. She leans back and takes a sip of her water.

“Andy?”

“What?” She’s giving me a wide-eyed, innocent look.

“What the hell is going on?”

She shrugs. “I don’t know. I don’t like him. There’s something weird about him.”

“He likes Star Trek.”

“That’s weird, but that’s not it.”

“Well, I don’t think there’s anything weird about him and even Leah likes him. I want you to ease off.” Even though I told Danny he has to get along with Andy if he wants to date me, she has to meet him halfway. And so far, he has been a perfect gentleman to her and she has been an asshole to him. “I really like him a lot.”

Andy closes her eyes for a second, then looks straight at me. “If he hurts you, I’ll kill him.”

I hear the bathroom door open, so I don’t respond. Danny walks into the living room as Lynne walks through the front door and slams it hard behind her.

“Oh dear,” Leah calls from the kitchen. “That must be Lynne.”

Lynne flops into a chair and throws her hand up to her forehead. “I can’t stand the drama!”

I pass her my beer. “What happened?”

“Same old. She screamed, I cried. I hate that I cry when I’m pissed.”

I do that, too. It’s hard to be taken seriously when you’re in tears.

Andy looks serious. “Lynne, what on earth gave you the idea that it would be okay to tell her about the UPS chick?”

Lynne looks up, tears running down her face. “Honestly, I just don’t know. I was so mad that she showed up here drunk, and I was just so pissed about everything that it kind of slipped out.” She wipes her eyes with her sleeve. “The thing is, I have a lot of good memories of her, too. The way we were when we met, the way she just does things for me without me needing to ask. I’m really confused.” She looks around and notices Danny.

“Oh shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t think. Danny, I’m sorry. Davey, I’m ruining your date.”

“No, please, it’s perfectly fine,” Danny says earnestly.

Andy agrees. “Besides, if Davey was really worried about making a good impression on him, she wouldn’t have brought him here to have dinner with all of us.”

“That’s really funny,” I say, throwing a pillow at Andy’s head. She catches it easily and tosses it back on the couch.

Lynne stands up. “Let me go wash my face and get ready for dinner.”

A knock on the door. “I’ve got it,” Leah calls from the kitchen. She comes running into the living room, smoothing back her hair. She opens the door to admit Dr. Sheila Ward. It has been a couple of years since I’ve seen her, but she is instantly recognizable. Bright red hair, cut in a razor sharp, angled line from her chin. Pointy chin, straight nose and big green eyes, hidden by thick, horn rimmed glasses. She’s a cross between a sexy librarian and my second grade teacher. Either way, she’s a little scary.

Leah puts her arm around Dr. Ward and turns her to face the group. Danny has already stood up and is putting out his hand to greet her. “Dr. Ward, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Dr. Ward smiles. “Please call me Sheila. And you must be Danny. I’ve heard that our Davey is quite taken with you.”

Our Davey? My eyebrow shoots up. What is this “our Davey” shit? I barely know the woman. I secretly give a prayer of thanks that I didn’t allow her to show me how to find my G-spot. Danny shoots me an amused glance.

Leah introduces Andy, then they both turn to me.

“Davey,” Dr. Ward says. “It is so wonderful to see you again.”

“And you, Dr. Ward.”

“Davey, call me Sheila. We’re old friends.”

I suppress a shudder. “Of course, Sheila. Please, have a seat.”

“Dinner is almost ready,” Leah says. “We don’t have room in the kitchen, but I thought we could use the trays that Andy bought today and sit out here.”

“Andy.” I turn to look at her. “How thoughtful of you.”

She catches my sarcasm. “My pleasure,” she says brightly.

Sheila is looking around. We must seem like one big happy family.

Danny asks Leah if he can help serve and she bundles him into the kitchen. We all shift around for a while until there are trays and plates in front of everyone. Lynne joins us and no one mentions her red eyes or the earlier scene with Sarah. Danny and I are sitting side by side on the couch, his thigh pressing against mine. I smile at him, and run one finger along his leg. I’m beginning to think this dinner could be fine.

“Leah, this is delicious.” Danny has taken his first bite of moussaka.

“Oh, thank you, sweetheart.” Leah bats her eyelashes at him.

Sheila pipes in, “Danny, what do you do for a living?”

“I’m a writer.”

“Oh really? Have you written anything I might have read?”

“Probably not,” he answers. “I mostly write articles and essays. Boring stuff and…”

“Like what,” Andy cuts in.

“Well, I’ve written articles for Southwest Magazine. And I wrote about obesity and the correlation with school lunches.”

“Do you write under your own name?” Dr. Ward leans forward, looking Danny in the eye.

Danny nods. “Yes, Danny Walker.”

Andy smiles. “Maybe I should Google you.”

Danny nods. “Feel free.”

I step in. “No one is going to Google you. Don’t be ridiculous. If Danny has something he wants us to read, he’ll bring the magazine in and show us.”

Leah agrees. “Danny, I spent some time in New Mexico and Arizona with one of my lovers. He sold homemade dream catchers at flea markets. Did you live in the Southwest?”

Danny nods. “I grew up in New Mexico. At least until I was ten.”

“What did you write for Southwest Magazine,” Leah asks.

“I wrote a piece about hot air ballooning.”

Lynne looks up sharply. “Oh, I have always wanted to do that! Davey and I promised we would go when we turn fifty.”

“You should. It was amazing.”

Andy jumps in. “Hot air ballooning and childhood obesity. Any other fields in your expertise?”

Danny shakes his head. “I’m really not an expert in anything. But if someone wants a story about it, I’ll find out about it and interview people who are experts. I generally won’t turn down an assignment just because I don’t know a lot about a subject.”

Andy looks skeptical. “Well, I look forward to reading some of your work.”

“I look forward to hearing your opinion,” Danny says softly.

Sheila takes another bite of moussaka and waves her fork at Leah. “Leah, I knew you were a wonderful woman, but I didn’t realize you could cook, too.”

Leah smiles happily. “Well, I’ve always loved to cook. I’ve just added to my repertoire over the years.”

Sheila smiles. “Were you always a vegetarian?”

“Since Davey was a baby. I lived with a yoga instructor for a while. She was very keen on not eating meat for health.”

“I didn’t know you had lived with a woman!” Andy is shocked.

“Not like that, Andy,” Leah says, laughing. “We were friends. And I was between lovers.”

I nod. “Trust me, if Leah was a lesbian, we would all know it.”

Andy leans back and crosses her legs. “I knew it when I was eight.”

“Eight?” Lynne shakes her head. “No one knows at age eight. I didn’t know until college.”

“Please,” I scoff. “I knew I liked boys at age eight. Jimmy DeMarco kissed me on the cheek in the playground. It was the first time I ever fell in love.”

Danny smiles at me, then turns to Andy. “Andy, did you have a defining moment, or did you just know you had feelings for girls?”

“I knew I had crushes on girls, not boys. And I was sporty and strong, even as a kid, so people thought there was something weird about me. But the big moment came when we had a pool party at Tommy Brenner’s house. His mom came out to give us snacks and I just remember looking up and seeing this curvy woman in a black bikini, with a see-through white shirt over it. Her hips were round, her breasts were bouncing as she strode across the lawn.” She puts her hand over her heart and sighs. “I knew I was in love. I knew that someday, I wanted to marry that woman.”

Lynne laughs. “I had crushes on women, but I knew it was weird, so I just ignored it. It wasn’t until I had sex with Vicki Schilling in college that I realized. And I still tried to stay in the closet for a while after that.”

Danny grins. “I knew I loved women when I was really young. My mother had this friend, a big, beautiful woman named Rose. She had a loud voice and a huge, throaty laugh. She used to wear this perfume that would make me dizzy. When she’d come to the house, she’d give me a hug, crushing me between her breasts. One day, she was complaining to my mother that there wasn’t a man around who was big enough to treat her the way she deserved to be treated, but I knew I could be that man. I asked her to marry me, but sadly, she said no.”

Leah looks intrigued. “How old were you?”

“I was six.”

We all laugh. Danny leans towards Sheila.

“So, Sheila, I understand you teach a health class for women?”

“Actually, it is a sexual health course,” she answers. “I empower women to explore and find sexual awareness, to awaken the goddess within.”

Danny looks intrigued. “What does that mean, exactly?”

“Well, last week, we talked about the vulva. You won’t understand this, because your gear is right out there for all the world to see, but a lot of women don’t have even a basic understanding of their own genitalia.”

“I see.” He looks amused.

“So we discussed the textbook definitions, and talked about the various bits and parts and then we looked at our own and each other to become familiar with where everything is.”

Danny is smiling. “I think I have a pretty good idea where the important parts are.”

Sheila shakes a finger at him. “Don’t be so sure. If that many women don’t completely understand their own vulva, you can be damn sure most men don’t. You would be amazed how many men can’t find the clitoris. Of course, you can’t come to the class because it is a woman-only space, but I will happily send you some diagrams if you’re interested.”

Danny nods. “I’ll keep that in mind,” he says, seriously.

“Or,” Leah adds, “you could convince Davey to come to class with us next Friday and then she can teach you where her important bits are.” She pauses to take a sip of wine, as we all stare at her. “I mean, when you get to that point in your relationship.”

My face has got to be beet red at this point. I can’t even look at Danny. I concentrate on shoveling food into my mouth as quickly as possible. Danny presses his leg against mine, in what I imagine is a gesture of commiseration. Though, I suppose it’s possible all of this talk about female genitalia is turning him on.

He leans back on the couch and grins at Sheila. “I think I’ll just let Davey decide whether or not either of us needs a class” he says.

“Don’t count on that,” Sheila says, waving her fork in his direction. “She doesn’t even know if she has a G-spot!”

I cough up some chewed eggplant and spit it into my napkin.

Danny takes my hand. “I’m sure Davey and I will eventually figure out everything we need to know about each other.”

Leah smiles at him. “It is quite a fascinating class.”

“It sounds like it,” Danny answers.

Lynne leans back in her chair and looks over at Sheila. “Next week, we’re all supposed to bring vibrators and we’re going to learn how to have multiple orgasms.”

Andy chokes and spits beer onto her plate. “Really?”

Leah nods. “That reminds me, Lynne and I are going sex toy shopping tomorrow. Want to come with us?” She looks at Andy, then at me.

“No. I don’t.” I look at Danny. “I think we have plans tomorrow.”

“Absolutely.” He puts his arm around me.

“Well, Danny could come, too.” Leah is laughing.

“Danny and I might want to spend some time alone tomorrow, Leah.” I say, pointedly.

“I want to come with you,” Andy says. “I have a softball game in the morning. When are you going?”

“We’ll wait for you,” Lynne says, batting her eyelashes. “It’ll be worth the wait to see you blush when Leah and I start shopping.”

“Try me,” Andy says, leaning back in her chair.

We make it to the end of dinner, and Danny sits for a while, chatting with all of the ladies. My mother and Lynne adore him. I’m not sure what Sheila thinks of him. She looks at him the same way she looks at all of us; like we’re all interesting specimens that she wants to study more thoroughly. Andy seems to have gotten over her bratty behavior. At least, she’s answering questions when Danny asks them and generally being her usual self with everyone else. I’ll have to take the two of them out sometime so they can have more of a chance to get to know each other without all of the weirdness that comes from my mother.

Danny finally stands up and says, “Leah, ladies. Thank you all so much for such an amazing dinner. I hope to return the favor at my own home sometime.”

“Oh, Danny, do you cook?” Leah looks impressed.

“Yes, I’ve been a bachelor for several years, it was cook or starve.”

“Or TV dinners,” Andy adds.

Danny grimaces. “It’s hard to find quality vegan frozen dinners.”

“Come on.” I take him by the arm. “I’ll walk you to your car.”

Andy stands up suddenly. “I should be heading out, too. Perhaps Danny could drop me off on his way.”

“Andy.” I turn to face her, pissed. “I will drive you home, just give me a few minutes.”

“No, no, are you kidding? Danny has to drive right past my house to get out of here.” She tilts her head in challenge.

Danny touches my hand. “It’s fine.” He smiles at Andy. I’d love to drop you off, just give me directions.”

Andy heads down out the door as Danny says goodbye to the ladies. We hold hands walking to his car. “Danny, I’m sorry,” I whisper. Andy is standing on the sidewalk, waiting.

“It’s all right.” He touches the side of my face. “Can I call you in the morning? I have a plan for our third date.”

I look up into his face as we reach the side of his car. Obviously we can’t make out with Andy standing there watching us. I glare at her and turn back to Danny. He kisses me lightly on the mouth, then once on the side of my face. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Bye.” I step back as he gets in the car.

Andy opens the passenger door herself and raises an eyebrow at me. “Some gentleman.”

I watch them drive off, making a mental note to punch Andy in the head next time I see her. What a hell of a second date. I hope he has something romantic planned for our third date, because with my luck, I’ll end up taking him to meet my grandparents.

Chapter Eight

I have only two things on my mind today. Kill Andy and get some alone time with Danny. Somewhere private. I don’t care if I have to rent us a cheap hotel room. Or I could send my mother and Lynne to live with Andy for a while — that would serve her right. I amuse myself for a few minutes with a fantasy of Andy and her parceled and categorized little world, interrupted by the combined chaos of my mother and Lynne.

After Andy’s ridiculous stunt last night, I said goodnight to Sheila and Lynne and my mother and hid in my bed, seething. When my mother came in to sleep, I feigned sleep until she fell asleep. I’m not sure how long I tossed and turned, plotting Andy’s death, but, eventually, I fell into a fretful sleep in which I had horrible dreams that Andy and Danny drove off into the night and never came back.

I haven’t heard from Andy yet this morning. I sure as hell am not calling her. Screw it. She can call me and beg for my forgiveness. In fact, it’s nine o’clock already. Why hasn’t she called yet? For that matter, why hasn’t Danny called? I hope he doesn’t hate me after that horrible dinner and Andy’s bullshit. Still, he did tell me he would call today. Maybe he thinks I sleep in on my days off.

The kitchen is now spotless. I’ve also scrubbed the shower, mopped all of the floors, dusted, cleaned the windows, taken the books off of my shelves, cleaned the shelves and put the books back in an aesthetically pleasing way. No, really, they look great. Why hasn’t anyone called me yet? And where the hell is my mother? I pick up my phone just to make sure I have service. Three bars. Where is everyone? Maybe I’ll just give myself a home pedicure. Maybe I should just go out. I’m giving myself a breakdown when my cell phone rings.

“Danny, hey.”

“Hey.” His voice sounds soft and sleepy.

I flop onto the couch and throw my feet up on the back. “Are you just waking up?”

“Yeah. Last night, Andy insisted that I come in and have a few beers. I thought it would help clear some of the tension between us. I ended up drinking way more than I should have.”

I have a knot in my stomach. For some reason, I’m afraid of Danny being unable to defend himself against Andy with her biting wit and sarcasm.

“Are you all right?”

He laughs. “Don’t sound so worried. Of course I’m all right. We just drank a few beers and talked.”

“And it was fine?” I’m not convinced.

“It was all right. I think she feels threatened by me. I tried to make her understand that I don’t have any desire to get between the two of you. Not that I could if I wanted to. You’ve been friends all of your lives. As I said before, I know I can’t compete with that. I wouldn’t even try.”

“It isn’t a competition. You mean different things to me.”

“Really?” Danny’s voice suddenly gets low and sexy. “What do I mean to you?”

“Stop it.” I can feel my face getting red. “It’s too early in our relationship to have that kind of conversation.”

“Well, at least you’re acknowledging that it’s a relationship now.” He sounds like he’s smiling.

“Since you didn’t run away screaming after last night, I have to give you some leeway.”

“Come on, it wasn’t that bad.” He’s laughing again. “Your mother is a hoot. Lynne is quite nice. Dr. Ward, sorry, Sheila, is … interesting. Andy and I will figure it out.”

I sigh. “I’ll call her today and figure out what’s going on.”

Danny clears his throat. “So, we talked about getting together today.”

“Yes.”

“I was wondering if you wanted to come over here tonight. I could cook you dinner. We could, I don’t know, make out in private.”

“Privacy!” I’m chuckling. “What a novel concept.”

“I’d hate for us to get spoiled,” Danny says. “Maybe you should take me to meet your grandparents instead.”

Just what I was thinking yesterday. And there is no way in hell that he is meeting my grandparents until we’ve been together for a good six months. “Actually, dinner at your place sounds wonderful. What time would you like me to be there?”

“How about five? We’ll have a drink and I’ll try to make sure dinner is ready by six or six-thirty.”

I wonder if he can see the smile on my face. I’m already half in a panic about what to wear. “Danny, what can I bring?”

“Nothing, please don’t bring anything. I’ll take care of everything.” He sounds so earnest, I decide not to argue. I take down his address.

“See you at five, then.”

“Davey.” He pauses.

“Yes.”

“I’ll see you at five.”

I hang up and I’m holding the phone, wondering who to call. Who is my best choice for fashion advice, the butch or the hippie? Lynne did look wonderful the night she wanted to flirt with Andy. I dial her at work.

“Lynne, I’m pretty sure I’m going to have sex tonight. What should I wear?”

I hear her shooing someone off in the background. “Okay, first, have you shaved or waxed or tweezed all pertinent areas?”

“No, I just got off the phone with him. I’ll jump in the shower as soon as we get off the phone.”

“Where are you going on your date?”

“His house. He’s cooking dinner.”

She sounds impressed. “Romantic. Maybe you should wear a thong and a push up bra.”

I raise an eyebrow, though I know the look is wasted. “Anything else?”

She laughs. “Wear that cute, short, empire waist black dress you have with the plunging neckline.”

Smart thinking. I have sexy legs and fantastic breasts. And the empire waist will cover my pot belly. “Great thinking, Lynne, you’re a genius.”

“And don’t spike your hair up. Smooth in down the way you do sometimes so you look like Audrey Hepburn.”

I grin. “I wish I looked like her.”

“You’re beautiful. You’ll be fine. What time are you leaving?”

“I’ll leave here about four-thirty.”

“Shit. I won’t be home yet. Have fun, good luck, don’t forget to make him wear a condom — boys can’t just take theirs off and sterilize them.”

“Very funny.”

I hang up and rush to the bathroom. In all of the excitement, I’ve almost forgotten Andy. Almost. I still want to kill her, but right now, I am more concerned with looking the absolute best I can for my sex date. I mean, why else are we having dinner at his place?

I’ve manicured, pedicured, tweezed, shaved and washed. My hair is smoothed down into as close an approximation of Audrey Hepburn as I can manage. I debated and decided against a thong. Thongs just don’t look good with pot bellies. Unless I can somehow manage to lose thirty pounds between now and five o’clock, I have to go with what works. I decide on black bikini underwear, a black lace push up bra and a simple white gold necklace. I decide to pull my dress on at the last minute, just in case. Stockings might be too much. I’ll just wear black heels. Keep the whole look simple. I’m sitting on my bed, in my underwear, rubbing peppermint lotion onto my feet when Andy walks in the door.

“Hey, Davey-baby.” She looks uncomfortable.

I glare at her. I’m speechless for a moment.

“Davey, hey. Look, I came to talk about last night. I want to talk to you about Danny.”

“Andy, I’m so pissed at you right now that I don’t even have time to tell you how pissed I am. So why don’t you leave and I’ll call you tomorrow and we can go over it. In detail.”

She sits down on the other side of the best and looks at me imploringly. “Davey, please. Just give me a minute.”

I glance at the clock. I have about fifteen minutes before I have to leave. I look at Andy pointedly. “Five minutes.”

She hesitates. “You look beautiful.”

“You’re wasting time.”

I stand up and pull my dress over my head, then turn to look in the mirror. I actually look good. The dress fits perfectly, my breasts look awesome in the push up bra. I spin around a little bit. Yep, even my legs look great. And if you don’t look too closely, my ginormous stomach is barely visible under the flowing material of my dress. I turn around to see Andy watching me. She smiles.

“You really do look great,” she says. “I’m sure Danny will be impressed.”

“Andy, I have to leave. Danny and I have a date. Now, you and I have been friends forever, and I know in my heart that you want what’s best for me. I don’t want to be in a fight with you, but I am extremely…”

“Davey, look,” she pleads. “It’s just … there is something about Danny that I don’t trust.”

“What?” I’m dumbfounded. “Andy, Danny is the nicest, most sincere guy I think I have ever met.”

“Davey, please listen. I know he seems that way, but I’m telling you, something about him just sets off my warning bells. I love you, I want you to be happy. I just worry that he’s going to hurt you.”

“Andy, he’s not going to hurt me. Come on, even Leah loves him and she hates all men. Even the ones she dates!”

Andy laughs a little. “I’m not trying to be an asshole, Davey-baby. I really don’t want to piss you off. I’m just really, really worried.”

“Well, don’t be. I trust him. Come on, he’s really sweet.” I sit next to her on the bed and give her a hug. “Hey. I know you’re looking out for me, I know that. But you have to trust me to make my own decisions, too.”

“You trusted Joe, too and look how that turned out.”

I sigh. “He isn’t Joe.”

She puts her arms around me and pulls me close. I lean against her and she tightens her arms, burying her face against my hair. “Davey, I love you,” she whispers.

“I love you, too.” I give her a last squeeze and stand up. “Now tell me you’re going to try to get along with Danny from now on.”

Andy is silent for a moment, then she looks straight at me. “I will try my best.”

I kiss her on the forehead. “Now tell me how wonderful I look.” I slide on my heels and twirl around in front of her.

She looks me up and down, without saying anything.

“Andy? Come on! How do I look?”

She meets my eye. “If I didn’t know you and you walked into a gay bar looking like that, I would be fucking you in the backroom within fifteen minutes.”

I look at her sideways. “Hefty praise,” I say lightly.

“Come on, I’ll walk you down to your car.”

I drive like a maniac, and manage to pull up in front of Danny’s apartment building at exactly five o’clock. He lives in a classic old stone building. He bought the house when he moved to Cleveland a few years ago, and turned it into a duplex. The rental income keeps him going when writing assignments are sparse.

Danny opens the door immediately. He must have heard my car. “Davey,” he says. “You look … stunning.” He sounds breathless.

I smile and step into the house. “Thank you. Actually, you look pretty fantastic yourself.” He does, too. He’s wearing khaki dress pants and a denim button front shirt unbuttoned just enough to show a white t-shirt. It’s the first time I’ve seen him out of jeans. I love the effect.

He takes my hand and leads me inside. “Come on, let me show you around.”

We walk through the first floor and wind up in the kitchen, where something is simmering on the stove and everything smells fantastic. He has some sort of speaker system set up that was playing in the living room and is playing in here, as well. “Classic rock of the seventies. My mother would love it.”

He grins. “The best music of all time comes from the seventies. Think about it. You hear the opening notes of “White Room” and you’re transported.”

I scoff. “You aren’t old enough to be transported by seventies music.

He laughs and shakes his head.

I look around the room. “Danny, you kind of have an eye for decorating.”

He shrugs. “I love this place, but I have to admit, most of its charm came from the previous owner.”

The whole place is painted white with light, hardwood floors. There are built in bookshelves, lined with rows and rows of books. The kitchen is white as well, with multicolored tiles as a back splash and on the top of the counters. There’s a huge iron pot rack hanging above the island. A huge painting along one wall catches my eye. It’s a bright, colorful study of a desert sunset.

I move to peer at the signature. Cassandra Walker. “Danny,” I say. “Is this…”

“Yes, that’s by my mom. It’s one of only two paintings of hers I still have.”

“It’s breathtaking.”

He moves to stand directly behind me as I turn towards him. We’re equal heights again and I wonder if it bothers him. He leans in and presses his mouth against mine. I breathe against his lips, curling my hands around his neck. He cups my face with one hand, wrapping the other one around my waist, pulling me closer as he slides his tongue into my mouth. I press hard against him and he pulls away suddenly.

“Danny, what?” I’m confused. Disappointed.

He pulls me in and hugs me tight. He’s breathing as hard as I am.

“You’re going to make me ruin our dinner,” he whispers hoarsely in my ear.

“I don’t care.” I tilt my head down and kiss his neck, letting my mouth linger just long enough to make him groan.

He pushes me away gently, looking into my eyes. “You are so beautiful.” He kisses me again, but softly. “Now, I need to make dinner and you need to stop distracting me.”

I’ll give him a break for now. I perch on a stool and watch him as he throws chopped vegetables into a wok. “What are we having?”

“Veggie stir fry with my own homemade marinade.”

“Sounds good. What’s in the marinade?”

“A closely guarded family secret.” He winks at me over his shoulder.

“Aha. Well, I might have to try to pry it out of you somehow,” I say.

He looks at me seriously. “I won’t stand a chance.”

I look at his back. He doesn’t look very muscular, but his arms felt strong when he was holding me. He’s slender, but kind of solid. He’s bigger than me, which is a plus. I wonder what he looks like naked. “You’re stronger than you look.”

He looks at me. “I don’t look strong?”

“No, you do. You just don’t look all bulgy. But your biceps feel pretty hard up close.”

He walks closer and flexes his arms, making a face. “Which way to the gun show?” he growls.

I squeeze one of his biceps and rub it approvingly. “Very hard. Your arms are perfectly strong. I stand corrected.”

He turns back to the stove. “Do you prefer buff guys?”

I tiptoe up behind him and put my arms around his waist. My fingers slowly stroke his stomach. “No,” I breathe against the back of his neck. “I don’t.”

He shudders and turns around. His hands are twisting in the back of my hair, as his mouth finds mine again. God, he really is the world’s most amazing kisser. We kiss for a moment, then we untangle and step apart. I can’t read the look in his eyes, he looks so serious. Things are getting intense in here. I need to calm down for a minute. I ask for the restroom and head in to check myself out. Lipstick is gone, but everything else looks pretty good. I smooth down my hair and wander into the living room to browse through his bookshelves. The Vonnegut he was reading the first time I saw him wasn’t an affectation. He has a complete set, all in paperback, all dog eared and obviously well-loved. He has lots of classics, most of them in paperback. He has some new stuff, too, and a lot of authors I’ve never heard of. I love that. And, yes! An entire shelf of Heinlein. This could be love. I grab Friday, one of my all-time favorite books, kick off my heels and curl up in an overstuffed arm chair to read. I am immediately lost in the cyberpunk world of Friday and her adventures.

“Hey.”

I look up, startled. Danny is standing in the doorway, looking at me oddly.

“Are you all right?” I ask.

He shakes his head. “I’m fine. You just look so natural there. I feel like I could be sitting at the computer, working on an article and walk in to find you in that chair.”

My heart skips a beat. We are moving so fast. This is only a third date and he’s starting to talk about me fitting into his house. I decide to make light of it.

“I do like how you went out and bought the complete works of Kurt Vonnegut after the first time you met me.”

He laughs. “That was one of the things that caught my attention when you were on a date with Ted the douche-bag.”

He sits on the arm of my chair and pushes the book enough to see the cover. “Ah, Friday has to be one of my favorite heroines.”

“I’ll have to watch my step around you now that I know you’re a Heinlein fan. Obviously, you are into crinkly nipples and spanked bottoms.”

He laughs. “Heinlein was a pervert, but he was a charming and persuasive pervert.”

I run my hand over his leg. “It probably depends on your definition of perverted.”

He smiles and cups my face for a second. “Come on. Dinner is ready.”

Danny doesn’t have a dining room, so we eat at the kitchen table. We talk lightly throughout dinner, both of us probably anticipating what comes after.

“You said you had two of your mother’s paintings. Where is the other one?”

“It’s upstairs in my bedroom.”

I smile. “Well, perhaps I’ll see that one later.”

He takes my hand and kisses my fingers then turns my hand around and kisses the inside of my wrist. My whole body moves towards him. He picks up a snap pea from my plate and puts it in my mouth. I close my lips around his finger and suck it gently as he pulls away. His breath catches. I back off and return my attention to my plate, which throws him off balance. He looks aroused and bewildered and it is all I can do to not throw myself onto his lap and tear his clothes off.

“Davey, that dress does look incredible on you.” He is spending more time looking at me than eating his dinner.

I smile at him. “I aim to please.”

He laughs. I take another bite of the stir fry. “This is truly delicious. But I’m afraid I know your secret ingredient.”

“What? I’m devastated!” He clutches a hand to his heart and looks stricken.

“Red wine vinegar.”

“Hmmph. That is only a small part of my amazing marinade.”

“Okay, okay, I won’t try to guess it all.”

He leans forward and looks into my eyes. “That date with Ted the douche-bag was a first date, wasn’t it?”

I nod. “Yep, it was a blind date.”

“Obviously I have nothing to worry about with him.”

“You have nothing to worry about with anyone.”

He looks at me closely. “There isn’t an ex?”

I shake my head. “The last time I dated was… a while ago. Joe. I guess I thought I fell in love, but I’m not sure. At any rate, I trusted him and he cheated on me. I found out when I showed up unexpectedly at his place and caught him in the act.”

“Sucker punch, huh?”

“Exactly. I broke up with him immediately. I don’t believe in sticking around after it’s over. We didn’t decide to remain friends or anything like that.”

Danny laughs. “I’m surprised Andy didn’t cut his dick off.”

“It was a close call!” I laugh, too.

“Davey,” Danny says, softly. “I would never cheat. No matter what. There are far more important things in the world than sex.”

I smile at him. “How about you? You lived with that woman in Seattle. Has there been anyone since then?”

Danny shakes his head. “And I didn’t live with her. I bought a house there to be near her, but we never ended up moving in together.”

“And once you moved to Cleveland?”

He shrugs. “I went on a few dates with a few different women, but nothing ever came of any of them. It’s been a while. I had kind of decided that I should just be single for the rest of my life.”

I laugh. “I know the feeling. What happened?”

He looks directly at me. “You did.”

I look down at my plate. I’m not sure how to respond. This is fast, and I’m fighting the urge to take off. We eat in silence for a while, the only sounds are our utensils on our plates. I keep my eyes mostly down, but I can feel Danny looking at me.

“Davey, did I upset you?”

I look at his face, full of concern. “No. I’m not upset.”

We finish the stir fry and he reaches to take my plate.

“No way.” I stand up and grab both plates. “It seems only fair that since you cooked, I should clean up.” Danny stands up and presses in close behind me.

“That’s fine,” he grins. “But there is dessert.” His lips are barely grazing the back of my neck.

“Dessert? I love dessert.”

“I made a cherry torte.”

I turn around and smile at him. “You did not! Is that vegan?”

“It is. I had to modify the recipe, but I think it will still be pretty good.”

“Okay, then get out of the way and let me do the dishes.”

“I don’t like to leave dishes, either,” he says.

“It takes so little time to wash them. And then you have a clean slate for your next meal.”

Danny puts away the food while I do the dishes, then we take a small plate with a piece of cherry torte to the living room. We squeeze together in the big armchair and Danny feeds me bites of the world’s most delectable torte. “Oh God, it’s so good,” I moan.

He sets the plate aside and puts his arms around me. I rest one hand on his thigh, the other on his bicep. We’re looking at each other and the tension is getting unbearable. He runs one of his hands over my shoulder, pulling my dress slightly askew. My heart is pounding and I don’t think I can wait another second when suddenly our mouths are locked together, he’s pulling me onto his lap, I’ve got my arms locked around him, kissing his mouth, biting his neck. He wraps his hands around my waist, fingers digging tightly into my hips. I arch against him as his teeth sink lightly into my lower lip. I swing one of my legs over his to straddle his thigh, he’s pulling my dress up and trying to slide one hand inside of my panties and somehow my dress has been completely shoved aside, his hand is in my bra, his mouth is on my nipple and I’m going to explode and…

“Stop.” He straightens up.

“Stop?” I can’t breath. My body is on fire, my dress is around my waist from the top and the bottom and he is telling me to stop? “Danny? What? What am I doing wrong?”

“You aren’t. Dammit, Davey, I swear.” His breathing is fast and jagged. I know he wants me, I just don’t understand why he isn’t taking me.

“I don’t understand.” I push my breasts back into my bra, and desperately try to straighten my dress. I’m near tears, though I’m blinking furiously to keep them at bay. I look away from him so he doesn’t notice. He notices anyway. He pulls my face gently around with one hand, the other around my shoulder, pulling me in close, but in a loving manner. He’s still breathing heavy, but the desperate need is gone.

“Davey, listen. Please.” He’s speaking softly, hugging me close. “I am really starting to care about you. We had a connection from the first moment we saw each other. I felt it; I know you did, too.”

I bury my face against his neck and nod, not trusting myself to speak.

He continues. “It’s just … there are things … I mean, I want you to really care about me before…”

I clear my throat. “I do care about you.”

“Davey.” He presses one hang against the back of my head and kisses my forehead. “I do want you, you have to know that. I just … I just can’t yet. We need to be sure of each other. We need to be … I just don’t want to risk screwing anything up. I have a feeling you’re going to be a hugely important part of my life.”

“Danny, I agree that we have a strange connection. But people have sex all the time and still go on to build strong relationships.”

“We’re not other people.”

I risk a look at his face. He looks dead serious and a little scared. I run my fingers along the sharp curve of his jaw. Isn’t it just my luck to wind up dating the only man on the face of the planet who doesn’t want to have sex? I can’t claim to understand it, but I do like him a lot, so I decide not to push it. “Danny, all right. But I better go.”

We stand up and he walks to out to my car.

“Thank you for a lovely dinner,” I say quietly.

He looks at me anxiously. “Please don’t be mad at me.”

I sigh. “I’m not. I promise I’m not.”

He holds my face in both hands and presses his lips against mine. He still looks scared.

“Danny, I don’t want to scare you.”

“You don’t scare me. You’re wonderful. And that is what scares me.”

I giggle. “True, that’s a major problem for me. My wonderfulness is so overwhelming, it scares people.”

He laughs, pulling me in for a tight hug. “Can I see you tomorrow?”

I pull back and give him a quick kiss on the mouth. “I have to work tomorrow. Why don’t we take a day off?”

He looks a little sad, so I lean in and kiss him again. “Just call me tomorrow, all right?”

“I will,” he vows.

I wave goodbye as I drive off. Glancing in my rear view, I see him standing on the sidewalk, lifting his hand. He still looks so serious, and a little upset. I don’t know what to think. I’m confused and upset and completely horny. Usually, I would call Andy to talk about it, but she’s being so weird about Danny. I debate for a few minutes, then grab my cell phone.

There’s a blast of loud music.”Hey,” she answers. “How was your date?”

The music stops. “Good and bad. Fantastic and frustrating. Are you driving?”

“Yeah, I’m on my way home. What happened?”

“We had an amazing time. Andy, I know if you got to know him, you would see how sincere and sweet he is. We like the same authors, we listen to a lot of the same music. He’s funny, he’s sexy, he’s…”

“Okay, okay,” she interrupts. “I promised to give him a chance. So why was it good and bad?”

“We got pretty hot and heavy at a couple of points and he kept breaking it off. I thought he just wanted to wait until after dinner, but after dinner, we were really getting into it and he stopped.”

Andy pauses. “Sorry, merging on the freeway. So, why did he stop?”

“He said he wanted us to be more sure of each other before we had sex. He said he could tell I was going to become really important to him and he didn’t want to risk screwing it up by having sex too soon.”

“How noble,” Andy says, dryly.

“Don’t be an ass. He was sincere. I just don’t get it. Since when does a guy not want to have sex?”

“Fuck if I know. My dates always want to have sex.”

“Everyone wants to fuck you, Andy. I don’t know. It seemed like he really wanted me.”

“Of course he does, baby. Why wouldn’t he? Maybe he’s impotent and he needs to make sure he can trust you before he tells you the truth.”

I think back. I don’t recall feeling his erection, but then, I wasn’t grabbing his cock. “That’s probably not it.”

Andy pauses. “Well, maybe he has herpes or something.”

“I hope not! But if he does, I would understand him wanting to wait so he could tell me first.”

“Would you break up with him over that?”

“No, of course not. We would just have to be careful.”

“You’re such a saint.”

“I like him a lot.”

“Maybe he has horribly disfiguring scars all over his body and is afraid to get naked with you.”

“Hmm.”

“Next time you talk, just ask him flat out. Maybe he’ll tell you. Or maybe he is just some weirdo who doesn’t want to have sex early in the relationship.”

I sigh. “He isn’t a weirdo. Either way, I’m extremely frustrated and I can’t even go home and take matters into my own hands because Lynne is on my couch and my mother is in my bed!”

Andy laughs. “You could come masturbate in my bed!”

“Ha! You’d like that!”

“I’d have to turn in my butch card if I didn’t.”

“Love you, Andy.”

“You too. ‘Night.”

As I pull into the parking lot of my complex, my cell rings again.

“Danny, hey.”

“Hi. Just called to see if you made it home.”

“You must be psychic. I just pulled into my parking lot.”

“I had a wonderful time with you tonight.”

“I did, too. I really did.”

“Davey, I’m sorry it ended the way it did.”

“I guess I understand, Danny. I’m sorry. I was just frustrated.”

He chuckles. “If it makes you feel better, I am, too.”

“At least you don’t have your mother sleeping in your bed.”

He laughs again. “Cherish her while she’s here, love.”

“I know.” He’s right. I do cherish her. I just wish I could cherish her from afar again.

“Good night, Davey.”

“’Night.”

Leaning my head back against the seat for a minute, I close my eyes and think about his amazing face. I have this lingering anxiety, but it’s only because of Andy’s misgivings. She has me worried that there’s something wrong. I need to trust my own senses, though. I’m not the kind of person who just easily falls in love with any jerk who comes along. I’m a good judge of character.

I tip toe past Lynne, who is already sleeping, and sneak into my bedroom. Leah is in bed, but she’s not asleep.

“Hey Leah.”

“How was it?”

I curl up next to her and put my head down on her shoulder.

“I think I’m falling in love.”

“Ah, baby girl,” she says, putting her arms around me. “That’s where all of the trouble comes from.”

Chapter Nine

“He’s gay!”

I’ve been working my ass off today, trying to get everything ready for the benefit next month. Steve and Erik have talked about nothing but sex all day today. I told them that I hadn’t done it with Danny, but not the reason why. Obviously, they assume it’s because of me. Why do all men assume that it’s the woman who doesn’t want to have sex? I’m not obsessed with sex, but, dammit, I am ready to go to bed with Danny. And these two have talked about nothing else all day. Who is fucking whom. Who cheated on his boyfriend. New sexual positions they learned from watching porn movies over the weekend. It’s enough to drive a person crazy. I went to lunch with Jack, one of our counselors and all he talked about was sex. Not to mention the young couple that was full-on making out at the table next to us at Polly’s. And now I’ve got Andy calling me.

“Excuse me?”

Andy pauses. I can hear her chewing something. “Sorry, grabbing an energy bar. He’s gay.”

“Andy, you have to be kidding.”

“Seriously, hear me out. He’s ultra-polite, he’s thoughtful, he brought flowers to your mother, he…”

“Andy! Come on.” I’m half laughing, half mad. “He isn’t gay. Why would he be dating me if he was gay?”

“He’s in the closet.”

“At thirty-five? With no family? And a job as a freelance writer? Yeah, he has a lot to hide! I’m sorry, I just don’t…”

“Maybe he’s about to come into a huge inheritance and he needs a wife to prove he isn’t gay to his uber-conservative father.”

“Right? Because that is so realistic.”

Andy is laughing, too. “Well, maybe he hasn’t realized it yet.”

“Andy, come on. There’s no way Danny is…”

She bulldozes over me. “Well, he wouldn’t have sex with you. That’s clue one. And he speaks so softly and sweetly. In fact, he kind of reminds me of Bill, the adorable little guy that dated John from the bookstore for a while.”

I pause. Actually, I can kind of see the resemblance. But still.

“He isn’t gay. Trust me, I am immersed in gay. I would recognize it if I saw it.”

“He didn’t get excited when the ladies were talking about their vibrator date.”

“He was probably horrified. He was trying to be nice. You were being hard enough on him. Add my mother and Lynn into the mix, then bring in a sex therapist and the poor guy was just trying to keep from running from the room!”

“All right. I’ve gotta go, I’m going indoor rock climbing with Alice.”

“Alice, who’s Alice?”

“She’s the chick I picked up last night.”

“I bet you had sex last night,” I said bitterly.

“You bet right,” she answers, laughing. “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Bye.”

I hang up. Steve and Erik have abandoned all pretense of working and are staring at me.

Steve leans forward. “Was that Andy? Does she think Danny is gay?” Steve loves Andy. He keeps trying to get her to make out with him. Even gay men are in love with her. It’s disgusting.

“Yes. It was Andy. No, Danny is not gay. No, we are not going to discuss it. Go back to work.”

“Wow.” Steve pouts. “Some people are so touchy.” He turns back to his computer and makes a great show of typing hard and fast.

“I’m not touchy, I just don’t want to talk about such a ridiculous idea.”

“Bring him in to meet us,” Erik says. “We can tell you if he is gay or not.”

“Shut up.” I face my computer and ignore them.

“Man,” Erik says in an undertone. “She is a little bitchy today.”

Steve nods. “But we should cut her some slack. She’s not getting laid because she’s dating a gay guy.”

I slam my hand down on my desk. “He is not gay!” I yell.

Ron walks into the room with a box in his arms. “Who’s not gay?” he asks, setting the box down on Steve’s desk.

“Davey’s boyfriend,” Erik tells him. “Andy thinks he’s gay because he doesn’t want to have sex with Davey.”

Ron looks taken aback. “He doesn’t want to have sex with you?”

“Dammit, Erik. You two just heard one side of the conversation. He does want to have sex with me, he isn’t gay, and Andy has no idea what she is talking about!”

I slam my fingers down on the keys, furiously typing out an email.

“Fine, whatever,” Steve says. “Just seems her gaydar might be a little more advanced than yours.”

I spin around in my chair, seething, but Ron steps in. “I have the box of fliers from the printer. We’re going to mail them out today, but my assistant is out sick. I need you to fold them and put them in envelopes. I’ll print out the address labels and get them to you soon. They’re three fold.” He takes one out and demonstrates.

“Thank you, Ron.” Irritation has made me more sarcastic than usual. “I’m sure we never could have figured that out without your fine tutelage.”

“Fine then,” he answers. “Enjoy your folding.”

He walks out as Steve starts pulling stacks of paper out of the box. “These do look great, though,” he says.

We gather together and look over the flier. “Black Tie Gala to Benefit the Care Center of Cleveland.” It looks good, glossy and sleek. There is a picture of an orchestra on the front. The inside talks about the Care Center and our programs, then mentions the phenomenal food at the benefit, the music, the dancing, the speakers. It looks to be an amazing time, actually. I’ll have to ask Danny if he can rent a tux.

We’ve already sold a bunch of tickets, through the ad we placed in The Gay Daily and word of mouth through the LGBT community center and other centers. These fliers are going out to people who already have tickets, and to those who might want to purchase them. Thankfully, as an employee, I get to go for free, otherwise, there is no way I could afford the $250 per person ticket price.

Erik sighs. “It is going to be a magical night. I’ll be like Cinderella at the ball!”

Steve glances at him, “What? You’re wearing a dress?”

I laugh. “Well, why not? It is a big gay fundraiser.”

Erik sticks his tongue out. “I just meant the whole night will be wonderful. I was talking to the decorating committee and they have all of these little white fairy lights that someone donated.”

Steve snorts. “Fairy lights? How appropriate!”

We all laugh.

I grab a stack of fliers and envelopes and retreat to my desk. Steve turns on the radio. “If we have to do grunt work, we must have music.”

I’m just folding and stuffing and tapping my foot to some old Madonna. I know the punker in me should be ashamed, but I do love Madonna. I mean, she’s no Siouxsie Sioux, but then, who is? I’m nursing a paper cut on my thumb when my desk phone rings.

“Davey Carter,” I answer.

“Sweetie!”

“Gram?” My heart stops for a second. Why the hell is my grandmother calling me at work? “Is everything all right?”

“Everything is fine, sweetie. I just wanted to chat.”

“Gram, I’m sorry I haven’t called in a while. It has been a strange time.”

She chuckles. “I know. I called your house first, not realizing you wouldn’t be home from work yet and your mother answered.”

I sit back in my chair and lean my head back, closing my eyes. “Yeah. Gram. I know. She really just got here a few days ago. I know she meant to call you and let you know.

“Sweet girl, I have no illusions about Leah, she is my daughter, after all.”

“Good point. So Gram, what’s going on? Is Gramps all right?”

“He’s perfectly fine. We just wanted to see if you could come for dinner sometime this week.”

I hesitate. On the one hand, there are a million other things I could be doing other than having dinner with my grandparents. On the other hand, I do love them and it has been far too long since I’ve seen them. They live five miles away. I suddenly feel incredibly guilty. “Gram, I would love to come to dinner.”

“Excellent. Tomorrow night, then? Six o’clock?”

“Sounds great. See you then.”

“I love you, sweetie.”

“Love you, too, Gram. Tell Gramps I’ll bring him some beer.”

“Don’t go encouraging that man’s bad behavior!”

“Bye Gram.”

“Bye sweetie.”

I drive home from work in a thoughtful mood. Danny didn’t call today, which worries me a little. I thought we ended feeling good about each other last night, but who can tell. Tonight, I am just going to go home, wear sweatpants and chill with Leah and Lynne. It’ll be fun to see my grandparents tomorrow. They actually are pretty cool people, for being almost 80 years old. It’s kind of sad that their only living child barely even speaks to them. I love my grandparents, and I have tried occasionally to get Leah to be more involved with them, but she has very little interest. I guess I can’t be too hard on her. It’s a lot easier to be a great grandparent, than a great parent.

The apartment is empty when I get there. I call out as I walk through and the only response is Harry, meowing loudly at his food bowl. I walk into the kitchen, fill up his food and water, then head to my bedroom, pulling my cell phone out as I go. If I have the place to myself for a while, I’m going to take a bath, climb into bed in my jammies and pass out. Last night was intense and I was out way too late for a work night.

I dial Leah first.

“Hi Darling. I can’t talk right now. Sheila and I are going to a movie.”

“Sheila?”

“Dr. Ward.”

“Ah, all right. Well, have a good time.”

“Love you, darling.”

“You too.”

Lynne is next.

“Hey.”

“Davey, how’s it going?” She sounds happy to hear from me.

“Great, are you at work?”

“No, actually, I’m going to Sue’s place for dinner.”

“Sue?”

“UPS girl.”

“Ah.” No wonder she sounds happy. It isn’t because of me calling her. “Well, have a good time.”

I just walk around the apartment in silence. It’s so beautiful. I can’t believe I didn’t appreciate this life before it was turned upside down. I spend an inordinate amount of time in the shower, then walk naked through to the kitchen for some leftovers. I eat in bed, still naked. Throw my MP3 player into the speaker and rock out for a while. I’m watching “Ocean’s Eleven” when Danny calls.

“Hey. How was your day at work?”

“It was good. We folded fliers for the big benefit we’re having in July.”

“What’s this?”

“It’s to raise money for the Care Center.” I affect a British accent. “Black tie, very posh.”

“Sound great. Are you going?”

“If I didn’t work there, I couldn’t afford it. The tickets are two-fifty a piece. But I get to go for free. Me and my date.”

“And who’s your date?” He sounds like he’s smiling.

“I’m hoping this cute guy I know will agree to go with me. Only, he has to wear a tux.”

“Hmm. Does he have bulging biceps?”

“Well, I wouldn’t say bulging … but they’re pretty solid.”

Danny starts laughing. “Davey, if you’re talking about me, I would love to go.”

“I would love for you to go with me! Save the date, July 16th. It’s a Saturday.”

“I will.” He pauses. I think he is writing it down.

“So did you get any writing done today?”

“Actually, I did. I wrote a love poem for a beautiful girl with dark eyes and an incredible smile.”

“And how was it?”

“It sucks. I’m a terrible poet.”

I laugh. “I hope I get to read it anyway.”

“What are you doing?”

“I’m sitting naked in my bed watching a movie.”

“I can be there in thirty seconds.”

“Forget it. I have the place to myself tonight. I’m going to sleep.”

“Fine, fine. Then can I see you tomorrow?”

“You could. I have been invited to dinner tomorrow, you could come with me if you want.” I suppress the urge to laugh.

“I would love to. Where are we going?”

“My grandparent’s house!” I’m laughing so hard, I can barely get the words out.

Danny is dead silent for a second. “Sounds romantic.”

“You said you wanted to see me. If you want, we can go out Friday instead.”

“What about Thursday?”

“Thursday nights are always girls’ night. No exceptions.

“Grandparents it is.” He laughs. “What time should I pick you up? What should I bring?”

“Bring a six pack of Sam Adams lager. And pick me up at 5:30.”

“All right. Are you sure I can’t come over and give you a massage or something?”

“I’m probably going to massage myself.”

He exhales sharply. “I could just watch quietly, if you want.”

I smile. “Danny.”

“Just for a little while.”

I almost cave. But no, he should have a chance to miss me. “Good night, Danny.”

“’Night, love.”

I hang up the phone, thinking about his beautiful face. His eyes, his mouth, the way he bit on my lower lip when he was kissing me. One good thing about having the apartment to myself is that at least I can take care of this terrible ache. I take care of it twice, thinking of his hands on my hips, his mouth on my breasts. Ah. I am getting intense about this guy. I put on some jammies and climb back into bed.

Chapter Ten

Am I in love? I think I’m in love. It might be too soon to tell, but I’m pretty sure I am. There’s just something about him, I think I knew it from the first time he spoke. I have to say, in forty years of life and love, I have never felt like this before. I know everyone says that, but I really haven’t, not even in college, when I was in love with Randy Ord and we used curl up in his single bed and spend cold winter nights making love and reading Tennyson to each other. Well, maybe then. I definitely didn’t feel this way about Joe. Our relationship was more … adult, I guess. I didn’t have this fluttering in my stomach every time I thought about him. It feels amazing. Let’s just face it, I’m in love.

I pick up my cell phone. “Andy, I’m in love.”

“Call it what you will, Davey-baby.”

“Andy, you’re such a cynic.”

“No, baby, I’m not. I just happen to know that love and lust are caused by the same hormones. There is no such thing as a soul mate, there is compatibility and respect and a conscious choice to be in a relationship or not. Add sex, and it changes the relationship. But however you choose to maneuver it, it isn’t some kind of romantic, fairy tale notion of ever after.”

“Wow. Thanks for that downer first thing in the morning.” My good mood just evaporated.

“Oh, come on, Davey. I’m not saying that it isn’t possible to have a loving relationship. You just have to choose to have one, based on compatible needs, sexual attraction, shared interests, and mutual respect. Call it love if you want, just don’t expect love to be the main factor in a relationship.”

I’m shocked. I knew Andy was an eternal bachelor, but somewhere deep inside I’ve always felt that someday, she would meet the woman who would make her want to settle down.

“Andy, you love me. Don’t try to deny it.”

“I wouldn’t. Not ever in life. I do love you. I love you with the weight of over thirty years of shared experience. You’ve been there for me through every defining moment in my life and I can’t imagine having to experience anything without the knowledge that even if you aren’t there, I can tell you about it and see it through your lens.” She pauses. “Besides, best friend love is deeper and more abiding than romantic love.”

I laugh. “Well, at least I know you believe in some kind of love.”

“What’s on your docket for after work today?”

“Dinner at Gram and Gramps.”

“Ah. Send them my love. Tell Gramps I’ll be over for poker on Saturday.” Andy and my grandfather have a monthly Saturday poker date in which they smoke cigars, drink whiskey and take money from each other. Gram tolerates it because she loves Andy. It should be a tribute to Andy that my elderly, republican grandparents, who grew up and still live in one of Ohio’s most uppity suburbs, love her like their own granddaughter.

“I will. Talk to you later.”

I roll out of bed and wander through the house. Leah didn’t come home last night. I would have woken up when she got into bed. The couch hasn’t been slept on, either. Normally Lynne would be getting ready for work at this hour, and I’d be pacing the floor, waiting to get into the shower so I won’t be late for work. Strange.

After my shower, I head into the kitchen in my underwear and rummage for some fruit and yogurt for breakfast. Dammit, yogurt isn’t vegan. I wonder what Danny eats for breakfast. I make a mental note to ask him for ideas. Walking back out to the living room, I slide onto the couch and put my feet on the coffee table. Suddenly, Lynne comes tearing through the front door, scaring the crap out of me.

“Lynne, what the hell?”

“Sorry, Davey. Just running late for work, need to get ready, gotta get a shower and clothes,” she trails off as she’s running toward the bathroom. “By the way,” she adds, popping her head back around the doorway, “Nice tits.”

“Yes, thank you.” I figure I better go put some clothes on anyway. Lynne comes into my bedroom as I’m getting dressed. I turn around to check her out. “Well?”

She looks sheepish. “Um, Sue and I had our second date.”

“Second date.”

“Well, our first date was when we went out after work then went back to her place and had wild monkey sex.”

“Good point… In lesbian years, you two should be moving in together.”

She giggles. “I don’t think it’s going that way. She’s a child. An adorable child, but a child nonetheless. Think of it — when she’s our age, we’ll be Leah’s age.”

“Oh, yeah. So what about Sarah?”

Lynne crosses my room and opens my jewelry box. “Can I wear your sea turtle necklace today?”

“Of course. But Lynne, what about Sarah?”

She sighs and sits at the edge of my bed. “Davey, I don’t know. I love her. I mean, of course I love her. We’ve been together for fifteen years. But we never have sex. There are a lot of great things about our relationship. There are a lot of great things about Sarah. And I know sex isn’t the end all of a relationship, but if she knows I am this upset by something in our relationship, and she refuses to take any steps to try to fix it, isn’t she basically saying that she doesn’t give a shit about my needs?”

“I guess. I don’t know, Lynne. I mean, I’ve never been in a huge long-term relationship. I mean, it was different with Joe. He was basically a prick. Problems were always magnified because we didn’t have a long history of sweet moments. But, I would think that in order for you two to have been together for so long, you have to have respect for each others’ needs. I kind of think you both stopped trying.”

Lynne shakes her head. “I stopped trying because I was sick of being made to feel ugly and unattractive all of the time. After trying to initiate sex all the time and getting turned down, I stopped even trying.”

“Lynne, my little love. You are beautiful. Whatever Sarah’s issue is, it isn’t you. Trust me, you are plenty attractive.”

She smiles and kisses me on the cheek. “That, my friend, is what little miss UPS driver is showing me.” She heads for the door. “And don’t expect me home tonight,” she calls over her shoulder.

I cannot focus today. I got to work a few minutes late this morning, but no one cared. I’m usually pretty reliable. Steve and Erik spent several minutes making fun of me this morning, but I think they could tell I was not into it, because they stopped pretty quickly. I wonder if there is something really wrong with Danny. I don’t want to pressure him. If he does have disfiguring scars or an STD or something, I want him to feel he can tell me. If I force the issue, he might feel uncomfortable about it. I guess I’m just going to back off a little bit about the sex thing. I mean, if Danny and I are headed where it feels like we’re headed, I am going to have plenty of time to get naked with him. Maybe I should just relax and let it happen at his pace. I wish I could go to lunch and clear my head. Except that I can’t go to lunch and clear my head because Leah called and invited me to lunch today and she insisted on coming into the office first to see where, and I quote, “all the magic happens.”

Here she is, promptly at 1:00. She flounces into the office, followed by Cindy, a volunteer who answers phones and acts as a kind of secretary. “Davey, your mom.”

“Thanks for bringing her in.” I give Leah a kiss. “Leah, you look great.” She does, too. She’s got her hair as sleeked back in some kind of intricate braid. And she’s wearing a simple white peasant dress that looks fantastic on her.

“Darling, it’s so wonderful to see your office. I’ve heard so much about it.” She looks over to where Steve and Erik are sitting together, looking thrilled. “Oh, hello boys!”

“Leah,” Steve says, standing up and coming over with both hands out. “Steve Hoover. I am so pleased to meet you.”

“Erik Scott,” Erik says, elbowing Steve out of the way. “How is it that we’ve known Davey for so long and she’s never introduced us?”

Leah smiles. “Well, I was in Tibet for a while.”

“Tibet?” Steve looks shocked. “What were you doing there?”

“Backpacking with a disillusioned corporate banker,” she replies.

Steve looks impressed.

Erik chimes in. “Leah, you are even more beautiful than I imagined.”

Oh for fuck’s sake. Two gay guys fawning over my mother. This is so new.

Leah giggles and shakes hands with both of them. “And I had no idea that Davey worked with two such gorgeous young men!”

“Young?” Steve is simpering. “She called me young!”

“She called us young,” Erik corrects.

Leah looks around. “I’m so proud of what you all do here,” she says, putting her hand on Steve’s arm. “But aren’t you worried about the protesters?”

Steve shrugs. “We aren’t Planned Parenthood. For some reason, the ignorant rednecks tend to leave us alone. Not that we don’t occasionally get some low-life standing in front of the building yelling about God hating fags, but they’re pretty few and far in between.”

Leah takes his hand. “God doesn’t hate anyone. Except maybe those protesters.”

Erik puts his arm around Leah. “Leah, please say that you’ll come to lunch with us.”

“Darlings, any other time, I would. But today I have something important to discuss with my daughter.”

Important? Great. I thought this was a social call. I take Leah’s arm and lead her to the door.

“Bye, guys.”

“Bye, ladies,” Steve blows us a kiss. “Leah, I hope we can see you again soon!”

She winks and waves her fingers as we walk out the door.

We take a seat at Polly’s. I debate for about a minute, but settle on the veggie burger. I’m proving I can be good. Besides, who knows what concoction my grandmother will have going on tonight. When I called her to let her know that Danny is a vegan, she was a little confused. She’s had a lot of years to get used to vegetarianism. Veganism is a new one to her. Anyway, first I have to get through lunch with my mother. I study her as we wait for our food, looking for clues to the big important talk. Finally, I can’t stand it.

“Leah, what’s going on?”

She grins at me, suddenly looking all of about twenty-five years old. “I had my first lesbian encounter last night!”

“Oh my god!” I yell. “Is everyone on this planet getting laid except me?”

Several people at the other tables call back that they are. I bury my face in my hands, blushing deep red. Leah is laughing hysterically.

“Oh sweetie, come on. It’s not that big a deal.”

“Leah. Let’s be quite clear here. I do not have a problem with you having sex with a woman. I don’t have a problem with you having sex with anyone. I just really don’t want the details.”

“Pshaw.” She shakes her head. “You’re too uptight. Sheila says you act repressed as a sort of strange rebellion against my ultra-free spirit.”

My voice is rising again. “Just because I don’t want to sit around with a bunch of women looking at my snatch with a mirror does not make me repressed!”

“You tell her, girlfriend!” Bradley yells from behind the bar. I’m saved from answering by the waitress bringing food.

“Davey, Sheila is truly an amazing woman. I think you could learn a lot from her. I definitely have a crush on her, that’s why I decided to go along with it when she came on to me.”

I have to ask. “So, did you like it?”

She leans in close and lowers her voice to a whisper. “I liked it when she was doing me. Then again, that always has been my favorite part of sex. I hate giving blow jobs. And the penetration part is usually over so fast, it doesn’t do much for me. Always insist that a man go down on you before you do him, Davey, because once he gets it in you, it is all about him.”

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. “I’ll keep that in mind. So are you and Sheila an item now?”

“Oh, hell no. I’m not a lesbian. No, it was fun, but we’re going to have to just be good friends.”

“Hey, now you can make another check mark on your bucket list.”

Leah laughs. “Exactly. It just wasn’t my cup of tea. Besides, I really wasn’t very good at it. I have a good understanding of where the clitoris is, but for some reason, once I had my face buried down there, I just couldn’t really find it with my tongue.”

The people at the tables to either side of us have stopped eating and are actively listening to our conversation. I’m staring at my mother in horror, speechless. I can’t even begin to think of what to say to her.

“Anyway,” she continues. “I kind of just put my finger inside of her, since that was easy enough to find and then stuck my tongue out and kind of flailed around for a while until she started to moan. I mean, I did give her a orgasm, thank God! It would have been embarrassing if I couldn’t.”

I risk a glance around. The guy to my left has his fork halfway to his mouth. He is staring at Leah, transfixed. The male and female couple on the other side are giving her sidelong glances. The man looks disgusted, the woman looks intrigued. I bring my attention back to Leah who is obliviously spearing salad greens with her fork.

“Leah,” my voice catches. I clear my throat and try again. “So. Yeah.”

She looks up. “Relax sweetheart. It’s just oral sex.”

“On a completely different note, I’m going to Gram and Gramps for dinner tonight.”

“Good for you. Have fun, tell them I said hello and all that jazz. You know.”

“They miss you.”

She waves her hand dismissively. “I’ll go over and see them at some point.”

“Leah, they do love you, you know. And they’re not getting any younger.”

“They’ll be fine. Trust me, they’ll probably outlive me.” She shakes her head. “At any rate, we better get going. Sheila and I want to have a get together with a few of the ladies from class. Now that I know you’re not going to be home, I can have it at our place.”

Our place. I start to ask her when she thinks she might be moving out, but there’s no point. She’ll go when the fancy takes her and there is absolutely nothing I can do to speed the process.

“Incidentally,” she adds, as we get up to leave, “one great thing about a strap-on is that it stays erect forever.” She smiles toward the man at the next table. “And no jizz.”

We’re both left staring after her as she strides out of the restaurant.

“No jizz?” Steve is wiping tears from his eyes. “No jizz. Ah, God. Ah, I’m dying. I’m in love. I am seriously in love with your mother.”

Erik leans back in his chair, laughing uproariously. “I love the flailing around with the tongue thing. That’s how I felt when I tried to be straight way back in the day.”

I shake my head. “You wouldn’t have found it so funny if you were the ones sitting at the table with her.”

Erik disagrees. “Yes, we would. And you would have too, if she wasn’t your mother. Think about it, if it had been Andy saying it, you would have thought it hilarious.”

I ponder for a second. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I find her embarrassing because she’s my mom.

“Besides,” Steve adds, “you’re forty years old. You don’t need a mommy. Embrace her as a friend.”

“You’re right, you’re right. I will. I will make more of an effort to enjoy my psychotic mother.”

“That’s the spirit.” Erik is still giggling. “At least she was able to make her come. That’s not one of my claims to fame in the hetero department.”

“Oh God,” I’m laughing. “Your poor girlfriends.”

“There was only one. Molly Torrance. She was an outcast and I was her best friend. I didn’t want to be gay, she didn’t want to be lonely. It could have worked.”

Steve butts in. “Except that you are a ’mo.”

“Obviously. But at the time, I was trying not to be. As an effort to fit in. Plus, my dad was so disappointed in me. He was thrilled when Molly and I started dating.”

Steve looks solemn. “Davey, you have no idea how lucky you are to have Leah. Think of how many poor homos you know with evil parents. And here Leah is, just wasted on a straight daughter.”

I laugh. “I know, I should have been a lesbian. Or at least Leah should have had a couple more kids. She might have gotten a gay one by the laws of averages.”

Steve looks at me sideways. “So were you freaked out by the fact that Leah had sex with a woman.”

“Never in life. You know me better than that. I don’t care who has sex with whom. I just don’t particularly want in-depth details when it’s from my mother. To be fair, I don’t want to hear about her sucking on some guy’s knob, either.”

Erik nods. “I wouldn’t want to think about my mother and oral sex, either.”

“Well, your mother looks like Mrs. Roper.”

“Fair enough.”

“On a different note,” Steve says. “You’re leaving early for your date tonight?”

“Date?” Erik shrieks. “They’re going to Grandma’s! That isn’t a date, it’s a death sentence for the relationship.”

“No it isn’t! Danny said he wanted to go!”

“Of course he did,” Steve interrupts. “He’s gay. Gay men love going to dinner at Grandma’s.”

“I’m not getting into this again. He is not gay. Maybe he has something he needs to talk to me about, but that is not it. And I would really appreciate if you two would shut the fuck up about it.”

“Sir, yes, sir!” Erik salutes, then turns back to his computer.

Steve isn’t deterred. “Just try to work Liza Minnelli into the conversation tonight.”

I’m getting sick of this. I wish I had never talked to anyone about Danny and me not having sex. I mean, really, this dinner with Gram and Gramps is technically only our fourth date. Yes, we have an intense connection, but it is our fourth date! Lots of people don’t have sex by the fourth date. There is nothing wrong with waiting a while to make sure of each other.

I fume for a while as I settle into my work. Finally, I’ve had enough, so I kiss the boys goodbye and head for home. I wonder if everyone kisses their co-workers. Maybe it’s just one more advantage of working with gay men. They really are so much easier to love than straight men. Well, except for Danny. He is truly easy to love. He’s gotten in, somehow.

I carefully choose my outfit. On the one hand, I want to look good for Danny. On the other hand, it is dinner at my grandparent’s house. Why am I doing this? You should not take someone to your grandparent’s house on the fourth date. This is ridiculous. I should call him and cancel. Or call my grandparents and cancel. No, knowing them, they’ve been getting ready for this all day. I put on my best fitting jeans and a v-neck t-shirt. Not too much cleavage, but just a hint, for Danny’s sake. I add just a hint of lip gloss and nothing else. Hair gets a little spiked. I check the mirror. Looking good.

Danny knocks at five twenty-five.

“Come in,” I call from the bedroom. He appears in the bedroom door a few moments later.

“You shouldn’t leave your door unlocked. What if I was a serial killer?”

“In Westlake? Come on.” I walk across the room and he puts his arms out to hold me.

Barefoot, I stand a few inches shorter than he does. I nestle my head against his neck and he wraps his arms tight around me.

“I missed you today,” he whispers in my ear.

“Me too,” I murmur with my lips against his neck. He squeezes me tighter and presses his lips against my hair. I lift my face and he lowers his mouth to mine, pressing his lips lightly against mine, gently parting my lips to let his tongue slide in. He lets his fingers trail over my neck.

I let out a breath. “Let’s skip dinner.”

He grins. “Are you kidding? I don’t want to ruin the sexy nature of our relationship. First, dinner with your mother and the sex therapist, now dinner with the grandparents. What could be next?”

“Don’t even say things like that, it could always get worse!”

He takes my hand as we walk to the car, opens the door and guides me in.

We don’t talk much on the way to Gram and Gramps, other than to discuss directions. When we’re almost there, I ask if he’s nervous.

“Actually, yes.”

“Danny, why?”

He glances at me, then back to the road. “Davey, I don’t know what happened when we met, but I think I knew from the first moment I saw you that you were special. And when you started arguing with Ted, the douche-bag, I was hooked. Then you called me an angel…”

I laugh, embarrassed. “I had forgotten. I thought, and still think, that you have the face of an angel. It’s perfect. Strong and beautiful.”

He takes my hand and kisses it. “Besides your obvious need of corrective eye surgery, you are perfect. You…”

“Whoa, wait. Danny, stop,” I interrupt. “Don’t make the mistake of thinking I’m perfect. Then when I screw up, you’ll be doubly disappointed.”

“Corrected then to perfect for me.”

“I can live with that,” I say.

He kisses the inside of my wrist. “The point is that we’ve only had four dates, yet for the life of me, all I can think about is you curled up in my armchair, reading a book, being completely comfortable in my house.”

“I’ve figured it out. You’re a lesbian.”

“What?” Danny looks shocked.

“The old joke? What does a lesbian bring on a second date? A U-haul.”

Danny squeezes my hand. “Davey, I’m being serious here.”

“I know you are. I know it. I’m just … I … It’s scary for me. I don’t know that I’ve ever felt this way about someone and certainly not this fast. I’ve dated before. I mean, I’m not trying to say that I’ve never had relationships before, I have. And I’ve had long-term relationships before. But they all seem to have a definitive pattern — you know, meet, date several times, decide to be exclusive, have sex, maybe that part is reversed but regardless…” I pause. “Stop talking,” I mutter under my breath. “The point, Danny, is that I’m just afraid if we get too intense, too fast, it will all come crashing down.”

We pull into the driveway of my grandparents’ house. Danny squeezes my hand again. “We’re already too intense.”

He comes around to open my car door, grabs the beer and we walk up the long, curved sidewalk to the front door. Gram opens the door looking like a model for Senior Golfer Magazine. She’s wearing white pleated pants, a gold scoop neck top, pearls, and sensible heels. Her hair is frosted to that particular shade of old lady blonde. She looks good, but I’m pretty sure she’s had Botox recently.

“Sweet, darling. It’s so good to see you. And you look so good, so healthy!”

I introduce her to Danny and she smiles at him warmly. “It’s so good to meet you. Davey hasn’t brought a boy to meet us since 1993.”

“Thanks, Gram,” I say sarcastically.

We walk into the living room, where Danny hands over the beer to Gramps.

“Excellent choice, son,” my grandfather bellows. “Mattie, my love, will you put this in the fridge?”

Gram takes the beer while Gramps hugs me and shakes hands with Danny. I check him out as we all sit. He’s such a dashing man, tall and muscular. His hair is completely white, but full and thick. He has a light tan, probably from all the golf he and Gram have been playing. Unlike Gram, Gramps has not had any work done. His grizzled face shows the laugh lines of a lifetime.

“Gramps, what’s up? You’re looking really buff!”

He flexes a bicep. “I’ve been doing P90X!”

“P90X! Gramps, you’re seventy-nine years old.”

He shakes a finger at me. “It’s never too late to get cut,” he says.

Cut? I shake my head, grinning. I love my grandfather.

“Well, you look fantastic.”

Gram pokes her head in. “Everyone head to the dining room table, dinner is on.”

We walk into the dining room and the food is piled high on the table.

Danny clears his throat. “Mrs. Carter, this looks like enough food to feed an army.”

“Well, you’re a growing young man,” she says with a wink. “And my husband needs a lot of calories to fuel his high-intensity workout program.”

I laugh. “Gramps, I have P90X. I keep thinking about doing it, but I never do. God knows I need to do something.”

Danny shakes his head. “You’re beautiful the way you are.”

Gramps agrees. “Besides,” he says, “Girls are supposed to be curvy.”

“Except butches,” Gram chimes in.

Danny laughs. “Well, true, Andy is pretty cut.”

“She’s more muscular than you are, Danny.” Gramps doesn’t hold back his opinions.

“I know, I know. She could definitely take me in a fair fight.”

Gram squeezes Danny’s arm. “I think you look perfectly handsome just the way you are,” she tells him. “Not all men have to look like Tony Horton.”

“Although, they’re sexier when they do,” Gramps adds.

We’re all laughing. My grandparents are strange, but they’re not as strange as my mother. And they stepped in and raised me when my mother came home pregnant at sixteen, claiming that she had no idea who the father was and, no, there was definitely not a marriage in the works. I wonder about him sometimes but, as a whole, I’m happy with the way I grew up. Who knows, maybe my father would have been some prick who made us all miserable. On the other hand, maybe he’s some loving, caring, ultra-awesome multimillionaire. At any rate, I will never know. I pressed and pressed Leah for years about him and she never wavered from her story that she had no idea who he was. Sometimes he was a roving gypsy, sometimes it was some random stranger at an orgy. Either way, she says she never knew his name and he never knew she got pregnant. That’s fine. I like being a Carter.

Danny is chatting easily with Gramps. The food is fantastic. There are all sorts of grilled vegetables over brown rice, salads, some interesting tofu potato dish, and what looks like a giant mushroom loaf.

“Gram,” I say, taking another bite. “All of this food is amazing. I had no idea you had such a wealth of vegan recipes.”

“I don’t, my darling. I called Sammy’s Catering, you know, the ones who did the wedding reception for Mrs. Darvin’s daughter?” She turns to Danny and says, “Hippies. They got married barefoot.”

“Gram, you had this dinner catered?”

“Well, I wanted to be sure. So I called them and said I had a vegan coming for dinner and they were quite happy to help.”

Danny looks astounded. “Mrs. Carter, I…”

“Please call me Matilda. Or Gram, if you’d like.”

Oh great. He’s won over my grandmother now, too.

Danny smiles at her. “I appreciate all of this. But please don’t feel you have to go out of your way. I will happily eat a salad if there’s nothing else.”

“Nonsense,” my grandfather interrupts, waving his fork around to make his point. “A man can’t live on salad alone. Frankly, a man needs a steak every once in a while to keep the old blood flowing to the old you know what!”

“Ernest!” My grandmother feigns shock, trying not to laugh.

Danny looks at my grandfather, amused. “Well, you just need to make sure you get enough nutrients from non-meat sources.”

“Mattie won’t let me eat red meat anymore, anyway. She’ll change her tune the first time little Ernie doesn’t want to come up.”

I bury my face in my hands. Has everyone in my family become obsessed with sex lately? Danny is not helping matters, as he is obviously highly entertained.

“So, Matilda, are you two vegetarians?” Danny looks intrigued.

“Oh, not at all. I’m just trying to make Ernest eat better. We eat a lot of vegetables, fruits, whole grains, and lean meats.”

Danny nods. “That’s good. The more produce you eat, the healthier you’ll be.” He winks at my grandmother. “Your good looks attest to that!”

I hold back a laugh. What a charmer. My grandmother is giggling like a school girl and batting her eyelashes. I have to hand it to Danny, it’s the first time I’ve seen him flirt with another woman and it’s with my grandmother. No wonder I’m in love with him.

Gramps leans back in his chair. “I have to say, those hippies sure know how to make a meal.”

“Gramps, the caterers aren’t necessarily hippies.”

“Of course they are. The men all had long hair.” He eyes Danny pointedly.

Danny smiles. “I’m not a hippie. And I don’t think my hair is that long.”

I reach over and push a strand of hair behind his ears. “I think your hair is perfect that way it is.”

Gramps grunts. “That’s the end of that, then. The minute a woman decides she likes something, it’s in. Of course, it works the opposite way, too. Remember that when Davey starts complaining about cigars.”

“Gramps,” I say, laughing. “Danny doesn’t smoke cigars. And Gam just wants you to live forever.”

Gramps reaches over and takes my hand. “No one lives forever, little girl.”

Danny and I walk out of my grandparents’ house with enough leftovers to live on for days. We agree to take it back to my place and split it into containers for lunches. He holds my hand as we drive back through town and over the tracks.

“I truly love your grandparents,” he says, wistfully.

“Do you have any contact with any of yours?”

“No, my mother wanted nothing to do with her parents. I think she had some pretty serious abuse issues, but she didn’t talk about it, at least not with me.”

“Well, you were so young when she died. She probably would have talked to you about it later, if she had the chance.”

He smiles and lifts my hand to kiss the inside of my wrist again. God, I love it when he does that. It sends chills zinging all up and down my spine.

“Davey,” Danny says. “You are nothing but goodness and light.”

I snort. “You don’t know me well enough yet.”

Danny shakes his head. “I know you well enough.”

At the house, Danny opens the car door for me and grabs the bags of leftovers. I put my keys in the door and we walk in. A woman screams as Danny freezes in shock, then backs completely out of the house and around the corner of the door frame. I’m whipping my head around to see where he has gone, while part of my mind is trying to process what I’m seeing in my living room.

“This is a female-only safe space,” says an extremely large naked woman who is sitting in my favorite chair.

“Danny is fine,” Leah, who is also naked, consoles. “He won’t come in. He’s a sweet boy.”

I glance around the corner to sneak a peek at Danny. He has one hand over his mouth, his face is bright red, and he’s shaking with silent laughter. I meet his eye and raise my eyebrow. Turning back to the room, I take in the rest of the incredible scene.

Lynne is sitting on the couch next to a pierced and tattooed, short and slender little baby dyke. I’m guessing that’s the UPS driver. They are both naked. Also on the couch is Dr. Sheila Ward, sex therapist. Naked? Yep. I’ve already determined that my mother and the large woman are naked. So are three other women that I’ve never met. My mind hasn’t quite wrapped around what’s happening here.

“Davey, say goodbye to Danny and come join us,” Sheila says.

“And what exactly would I be joining?” I ask hesitantly.

“It’s a female empowerment exercise!” My mother looks extremely happy.

“Yes,” the large woman chimes in. “We’re taking back our love of our bodies! We’re learning to accept them the way they are, no matter what society… .”

“Or men!” The UPS chick raises her fist in the air.

“Or men,” the large lady continues, “think about us.”

Sheila nods and opens her arms expansively. “We’re embracing the idea of freedom of acceptance, the power of love, the…”

“Embodiment of our spiritual beings!” Lynne looks blissful.

“What does that even mean?” I ask.

I mean, I agree with the whole movement in theory. In theory. I’m sure this will be another example of my so-called repression, but somehow, I don’t see sitting around my living room with a bunch of naked women as an empowerment exercise. All I can think about, frankly, is why my mother didn’t insist on putting down towels or slip covers.

“You’re still in time,” one of the strangers says. “Dr. Ward has been talking to us about the media and its negative effect on female body image.”

“Next, we’re going to address how music videos and corporate advertising leads to rape and other violence against women.”

I lean back out of the doorway again and look at Danny. He looks at me seriously. “I’m not saying it’s a bad idea, but just in case you’re not interested in empowering yourself in quite that way, you are more than welcome to sleep at my place tonight.”

I look into the living room, then back out at him. “I’ll need to get a bag.”

“I’ll wait out here.”

Chapter Eleven

I’ve just finished a luxurious shower at Danny’s house. His bathroom has a huge curved glass block shower with a giant shower head. I stood under the hot water forever, letting the weirdness of the empowerment exercise wash off of me. I’m sure that my mother and Lynne are going to mock me endlessly for skipping out on it, but I just couldn’t do it.

I wrap myself in one of Danny’s thick bath towels and contemplate my sleeping outfit. Since we aren’t lovers yet, I didn’t want to bring sexy lingerie. On the other hand, I didn’t want to wear big ugly sweatpants to bed with a man I want to impress. I brought a strappy tank top, and a pair of bikini panties. I hold up a pair of yoga pants for several minutes, trying to decide if I should wear them. Finally, I decide against them. A tank top and panties is perfectly adequate. I smooth my hair down, it curls slightly against my face from the rough towel dry. My teeth are clean, my breath is fresh, and my clothes for tomorrow are hung up on the bedroom door. I am ready.

I walk out of the bedroom and Danny is sitting on the side of the bed. He stands as I leave the bathroom, eying my outfit. “Nice,” he says, lightly fingering one of the straps of my tank top. “I’ll be quick.” He kisses me gently and walks into the bathroom.

I lie down and pull the covers over me. Now I’m nervous. Are we going to have sex? I don’t know if this is the best time for it. I have to work in the morning. We’ve just had an extremely odd evening. I want him, yes, but I’m kind of tired and not feeling that sexy. I mean, I want our first time to be hot. I want to be a goddess who sweeps him off his feet with her prowess. Okay, that’s never going to happen, but at least I want to have a lot of time to devote to our first lovemaking, so we can spend hours exploring each other. I’m still debating the pros and cons when Danny comes out of the bathroom in loose fitting sweats and a plain white t-shirt. His hair is still slightly damp and it curls a bit at his neck. He sits down next to me, and takes my hand.

“Do you need anything? A glass of water? A snack? Do you usually watch television before bed? Should I set an alarm?” He looks terribly concerned, so I rush to set his mind at ease.

“I rarely watch television. I don’t need water or food. I have the alarm on my cell phone set. I’m perfectly fine.”

He relaxes slightly. I watch as he goes to the other side of the bed and lifts the covers. He moves in close, pulling me against him. I lie my head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat.

“Davey,” he murmurs against the top of my head.

“Yes?”

“Do you want to make love tonight?”

I freeze. Lifting my head, I look straight into his eyes. “Yes,” I say. “Yes, I do. But I don’t think we should, not tonight. I want to have time.”

He tightens his arms and rests his lips against my forehead for a moment. “More time to decide if you want to be with me?”

“No, weenie. More time for lovemaking.”

“Oh.” He laughs. “Well, that, too.”

I lean my head back and he kisses me gently. We make out for a bit, then his hands slide down to my waist. He runs one finger under the waist band of my panties as I gasp.

“Hey,” I say, laughing. “What about waiting?”

“I’m trying to control myself,” he answers. “But it isn’t easy when you’re dressed like this.”

I turn away from him and press my back against his chest. He responds by wrapping his arms around me and burying his face against my neck. His lips are grazing my skin, his tongue occasionally flicks out to lick my skin. I move his hand up to my breasts and moan and arch back against him as he circles my nipples with his fingertips. He slides one hand under my shirt and his fingers find my nipple again, this time giving it a slight squeeze. I reach back and grasp his hip, pulling myself hard against him. He pushes me over onto my back and climbs on top of me. Both hands are under my shirt, pushing it up, his mouth goes to first one, then the other nipple, sucking gently, then harder. I curl my fingers into his hair, pressing his face down against my breast. He bites down on one nipple, pinching the other between his finger. He moves one hand down to my panties and slides inside of them. His fingers are brushing lightly over my pubic hair, just letting his fingertips graze over it. I moan his name and curve towards his hand. His fingers start exploring, parting my lips, pressing gently down on my clit, then releasing. He slips a finger inside of me, letting it glide in and out as I gasp his name.

“Davey, I need to taste you.”

“Yes, yes, yes,” I can barely whisper the words.

He’s gone, between my legs, one finger still slipping in and out of me as his mouth moves expertly over my clit and he rolls it around underneath his tongue, softly, so softly I can barely feel it. My hands are grabbing his hair, pushing his face against me, he adds a second finger to the first one and as his fingers move in and out of me, he uses his other hand to grasp my hips and pull me closer to his mouth, his tongue is swirling and I can’t breathe and I’ve lost all sensation in my legs. I shudder and scream and throw my hands back to grab the headboard as I get lost in my incredible climax.

Danny’s smile is in front of my face. I trace his lips with my finger. He kisses me lightly. I can taste myself on his mouth. I kiss him deeply. “Danny, thank you. You are amazing.”

He shakes his head. “Actually, you are. You’re so soft and velvety. You taste so good.”

I blush. “Danny, let me…”

He interrupts me by putting a finger to my lips. “I wanted this to be about you. Next time, we can worry about me.”

“I love the way you did that kind of…” I motion with my fingers to show him what I mean.

He raises his eyebrow. “That was when you were trying to suffocate me.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I wail.

He silences me with a kiss. “I’m not. I loved it. I loved every bit of it.”

“So did I.”

“Davey.” He looks at me seriously. I look into his eyes, stroking his hair back from his face.

“What is it, lover?” I whisper.

He swallows hard, looks away.

“Danny? What’s wrong?”

He looks back at me, serious and scared. “Davey. I love you.”

“Oh.” I breathe out hard.

“I just wanted you to know. There’s no pressure. You don’t have to say it back. I just wanted you to know.”

I wrap my arms around him tight and crush him against me. He holds me back, stroking my hair, touching my face, my mouth, my ears. I close my eyes for a moment. When I open them, he is still looking at me seriously.

“Danny?”

“Yes, love?”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

He exhales with relief and finally smiles. “Good night, Davey.”

“’Night.”

He reaches over me to turn off the light, then curls me back into his arms.

I’m almost asleep when he whispers in my ear.

“Davey?”

“Yes?”

“It can only get better from here.”

Chapter Twelve

“Earth to Davey. Come in Davey.” Steve is throwing paperclips at me from across the office. I look up at him and grin.

“What?”

“Girl, come on. We all know you got some last night. The boyfriend drives you to work. You spend the morning staring off into space with that little smile on your face.”

Erik nods. “Not that we’re complaining. We like sexually satisfied Dave way better than bitter and celibate Davey.”

“Thanks. That’s very sweet.”

Steve laughs. “Come on, we want the details.”

“No way. Get back to work. This benefit is one month from tomorrow! We have a lot to do!”

“Oh, yes,” Erik says in a mocking voice. “We can’t possibly take five minutes to talk about the hot sex Davey had with her formerly gay boyfriend last night.”

I smile at him and flip him off. They can say all they want about Danny’s orientation now. I know the truth. Last night was simply amazing. He was incredible. We slept curled into each others’ arms and when I woke up this morning, it was to see his beautiful smile. He made me a delicious fruit plate with his homemade granola for breakfast. And he packed me a lunch. I could use a house-husband. I wonder if he irons, too.

Steve interrupts my thoughts. “So, have you said the ‘L’ word yet?”

“Actually, yes,” I answer. “I accused him of being a lesbian who wants a U-haul on the second date.”

Erik laughs. “Your mother would be so thrilled.”

“Come on,” Steve growls. “I’m serious. I want to know if you said that you love him.”

I look at him, suddenly serious. “I didn’t say it, Steve. But I do.”

“Oh, God, this is so romantic!” Erik places a hand on his heart.

Steve nods sagely. “You shouldn’t say it until he says it first.”

“He already has.”

“What?” Steve is aghast. “And you didn’t say it back? He’s probably obsessing over it right now. He’ll probably break up with you before the day is over.”

“Hey!” I throw my stapler at Steve’s head. “He’s not going to break up with me!”

Ron pops his head in the door. “Is anyone planning on working at all today?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Erik says.

We all turn to our computers. Ron looks around one more time, then leaves the room.

“Hey,” Steve yells. “We got an order for ten tickets from Whitmore-Kirby.”

“That’s where Lynne works!” I say.

Ron pops his head back into the office. “That’s fantastic. Make sure to add them to the reservations chart immediately.”

“Will do,” Steve salutes.

Ron smiles and leaves again.

I pick up my cell. “Hey, Lynne.”

“Hi Davey. I just emailed your office.”

“I know, you ordered ten tickets?”

“Yep, I told Whitmore all about it. He said he would buy some tickets if I would go represent. So, I scored a couple of tickets and he’s going to give the rest away to some clients.”

“I’m so excited! I can’t believe you’re going to be there! I wonder if I can scrape up the money to buy a ticket for Leah.”

“Forget it,” Lynne says. “She can have my second ticket.”

“What? What about UPS girl? Or Sarah? You two might be back together by then.”

“Even if we are back together, I’m not taking her to some fancy party where she’ll be trashed halfway in and embarrassing the hell out of me.”

“Good point. What about UPS girl?”

“Um. Not really her scene.”

“Well, if you want to give your extra ticket to Leah, that would be awesome.”

“I’ll call her and tell her.”

“Thanks, Lynne.”

“We going to Janie’s tonight? We missed last week.”

“I know. I do want to go. I’ll call Andy and have her pick me up. We’ll meet you there.”

“Good. I look forward to hearing about your evening last night.”

“My evening?! You’re the one who had some weird naked party in my apartment.”

“See you tonight, Davey.”

I hang up and shake my head. Steve and Erik have wheeled their chairs closer to my desk. “Naked party?” Steve says, raising his eyebrows.

“I am not going to even begin to get into it.”

I pick up my desk phone, so it will look like I’m working. “Andy, what’s up?”

“Davey-baby, I miss you.”

“What are you doing for lunch?”

“I’ll be biking all day. Are we going to Janie’s tonight?”

“I want to. Can you pick me up at work on your way?”

“No problem, see you this evening.”

While I’m doing the phone thing, I might as well call Danny.

“Davey.” He sounds thrilled to hear my voice.

“Hey,” I say, softly. “I’ve been thinking about you all day.”

“I miss you already. Do you want me to pick you up from work?”

“Thursday is girls’ night out. I should have the apartment to myself tomorrow, do you want to come over?”

“I would love it. Should I bring dinner?”

“No, actually I can cook. Come over around six.”

“I have to drive right past your office to get to your house.”

“All right,” I laugh. “Pick me up at five at the office. We’ll go to my place together. But I can’t guarantee the ladies will be gone by then.”

“I’ll take my chances,” he says, dryly. “They aren’t going to be naked, are they?”

“We can only hope.”

I hang up the phone and lean back in my chair, smiling to myself.

I eat lunch on a bench outside the office, reading a Terry Pratchett book. When in doubt, go for humor. Every few seconds, though, I have to stop reading and stare into space, thinking about Danny. I’m about to go in, but there’s a woman crossing towards me. She looks familiar. Ah, it’s Jonah Astor’s mom. I stand up to greet her.

“Excuse me, Mrs. Astor.”

She looks up and smiles slightly.

“Hi, I’m Davey. I work in the fundraising department.”

“Davey, it’s nice to meet you. Please call me Nancy.”

“Nancy, please let me say, I am so sorry for your loss.”

She sits down on the bench and motions me to sit down.

“Do you have any children?” she asks me.

“No. I never did. I mean, I wanted to, but there just really wasn’t the right guy. Not that that’s so important, but to me, I just always kind of thought I would meet a man, marry him and have a child or two. It somehow…” I stop myself. “Davey, stop talking,” I whisper.

Nancy Astor chuckles a bit. “I met the right guy. I fell in love with him and had five beautiful children. Jonah was my youngest and, please don’t tell anyone I ever said this, but my favorite.”

“It’ll be our secret.”

She runs a hand through her hair. She looks like someone’s mom. She looks the way my fantasy mother used to look when I was a teenager. She’s wearing mom jeans and a pullover shirt. Her hair is cut short and streaked through with gray. She’s kind of pretty, in a mom sort of way. She has laugh lines around her eyes and she looks tired. She leans her head back on the bench and closes her eyes for a minute.

“Mrs. Astor? Nancy? Are you all right?”

She opens her eyes. “Jonah was my favorite,” she repeats, softly. She looks straight at me. “My husband died when Jonah was two. He wasn’t a rich man, but he worked consistently. I was able to stay home with the kids. I think that makes a difference.” She stretches her legs, looking off into the distance. “I don’t care if children are raised by gay parents or straight parents or somewhere in between parents. I just think they are more welladjusted if there is one parent at home to raise them.”

I nod. “I agree. I was mostly raised by my grandparents and my grandmother never worked. It made a difference that she was always there. I trusted in that.”

Nancy smiles. “Of course, once Rick died, I had to find daycare for the kids and go to work. The other kids were all ready to start school by then, which made it easier. But Jonah had to be in daycare, all day, every day.”

“I’m sorry about your husband.” I never know what to say in these situations. I wish someone from the counseling department was here.

“I hated Rick for dying when he did. I hated him for dying at all, but I especially hated him for dying when he did. I couldn’t even grieve him, I had to go into a whirlwind of trying to support my children through the death of their father.”

“You didn’t have any local family,” I ask.

“No, none. My parents died when I was young. Rick’s family hates me.”

“I’m sorry,” I say again. I’m starting to sound like a broken record. I wish I knew the right thing to say to make her feel better.

“I worry all the time about whether Jonah would have been happier if I had been able to stay at home with him. Or if I had worked fewer hours. Or volunteered at his schools. Or, or, or. There are a million regrets.”

“The blame lies on the jerks who made his life miserable at school. And the administrators who refused to step in.”

She shakes her head. “I still blame myself. But in the end, the blame lies with Jonah. He didn’t trust me when I told him it would get better. I wish I had made more of an effort to make him understand that.” Her voice cracks a bit on the last word and I take her hand.

“We all need to make more of an effort to make all children understand that,” I say.

“I’m fighting desperately to make sure my remaining children understand that. They’re all adults now, but I still worry about them constantly. And of course there are grandchildren now. I hope to God I have raised my children well enough that if their child comes to them for help with gender or orientation struggles, they will be able to handle it.” She pauses for a second, wiping at tears with her hand. I dig in my purse and find a napkin. She takes it and wipes her eyes. “Jonah was my little boy. He was too young, in my opinion, to start transitioning. I was afraid of what the hormones might do to him. I didn’t know enough about it.”

“I think you were right,” I say. “His body would already be going through so many changes at that age. Better to wait for that to pass before adding more chemicals to complicate the mix. You did the right thing. You supported him, you helped him learn how to be a man.”

She nods, then lets out a little sob. I tighten my grip on her hand.

We sit in silence, holding hands for a while. She cries for a few minutes, then gives my hand a squeeze. “Thank you, Davey. I appreciate you listening.”

I smile at her. “Anytime. Just ask the front desk for the fundraising department.” I reach into my purse and find one of my business cards. “And here’s my number if you ever need anything.”

She takes the card and stands. “I’m meeting Ron to talk about the benefit. Will you be attending?”

“I will.”

“Good,” she says, smiling at me. “I look forward to seeing you.”

I watch her walk away, then take out my cell phone.

“Leah.”

“Hi darling, how’s your day?”

“It’s fine. I just wanted to tell you that I love you.”

“I love you, too, darling. Is everything all right?”

I paused for a few moments, unable to speak.

“Davey? Sweetheart, are you all right?”

“Yes, Mom. Everything is fine. I just don’t want you to ever doubt that I love you.”

“Sweetie, I never have.”

The rest of the afternoon passes in a blur, and I am more than ready to go when Andy comes to pick me up.

“Oh, Andy, you sexy beast!” Steve is going into spasms of joy at the sight of her.

“Stop it,” Andy says. “Control yourself.”

Erik laughs. “He can’t help it. You’re so fucking sexy.”

Andy is wearing jeans, worn low enough to hang around her hips. On top, she has a muscle shirt that’s fitted enough to curve around her small breasts and short enough to allow occasional glimpses of the vee of her abs.

“It’s true. You should have been a gay man.”

Andy rubs a hand over her shaved head. “Well, I do have a giant cock.”

Steve pretends to faint. “Oh, I’m swooning,” he calls in a high pitched Southern accent.

I roll my eyes and grab her hand. “Come on, we have a date.”

Steve and Erik jump up to hug Andy goodbye. I peck both of them on the cheek and we head out the door.

“I parked at Janie’s” she says, as we walk out into the sunshine. “We’re early, it’ll be a nice walk.”

“Sounds good to me.”

She takes my hand and we walk towards the bar.

“Listen, Davey-baby. I guess I owe you an apology.”

I look up at her. “I’m listening.”

“It’s just … I shouldn’t have been an asshole to Danny.”

“I just don’t get why you were acting like that,” I answer. “You’ve never been like that toward anyone I have ever dated.”

She looks down at our hands. “You’ve never dated anyone with whom you’ve had such an instant connection. It scared me.”

“Andy, you are never going to lose me, no matter what.”

“It’s kind of along the lines of you getting pissy when I was flirting with Lynne.”

I purse my lips. “It’s kind of nothing like that!”

Andy throws her head back and laughs. “It’s actually a lot like that. We have a dynamic and none of the men you have ever dated have posed a threat to it, because all of the guys you have dated before this have been dicks. Even when you were with Joe, I knew it was only a matter of time before you wised up and moved on.”

“Yeah. I mean, it didn’t feel that way at the time, but yeah.”

“Anyway, you obviously have these strong feelings for Danny and I’m afraid of getting thrown aside. Or worse, I’m afraid you’ll marry him and become like Lynne; only able to see me once a week on Thursday because Danny has a class that night.”

“Andy, you should know I would never be like that. I have never given up our friendship for a man, not for any man, ever in my life.”

We turn a corner and Janie’s comes into sight. Andy lifts my hand and kisses the back of it.

“Davey-baby, I don’t think Danny is just any man.”

“Neither do I.” I look up at her.

“I’ll make more of an effort to get along with him,” she says.

“Do you still think he’s hiding something?”

“Do you?”

“Do you think it’s fair to answer a question with a question?”

“I’m serious. I want to know what you think.”

“Andy, I don’t think he’s hiding anything.”

She nods. “That’s good enough for me.”

Chapter Thirteen

“I want to get my nipples pierced.”

“What?” I’m in my bed, just coming out of a sound sleep. I look over at Leah who is lying next to me, staring at me.

“Do you think I’m too old to get my nipples pierced?”

“Leah, I was sleeping!” I groan and look at the clock. “Come on, I still have twenty minutes until the alarm goes off.” I flip over angrily and pull one of my pillows over my head.

Leah plucks the pillow off of me. “Davey, this is important.”

“Leah, I drank too much last night, I have to work today, and I have a date with Danny tonight! Please let me have my twenty minutes!” I glance at the clock. “Nineteen!”

“You are too young to be so worried about sleep. Now, come on. Let’s talk.”

I flip back over and stare at her. “What would Sheila do?”

“Sheila believes we should celebrate our bodies in whatever way feels best to us. She has a full back tattoo that goes from her neck to her waist. It’s beautiful.”

“Well, a tattoo is far more permanent than a piercing. If you want to get your nipples pierced, go ahead and do it.” I look at the clock again and sigh.

“You’re right. When should we go?”

I open one eye. There’s no point in even trying to argue about this. “Have you picked out where you’re getting it done?”

“Yeah, Lynne’s UPS girl is pierced in several places. She showed them to us the other night.”

I shake my head. “All right. Find out if they are open on Sunday. If not, make an appointment for Monday.”

Leah gives me a hug. “You’re the best daughter I’ve ever had.”

“Ha ha. So original. I better go take a shower.”

“I’ll get us some coffee. How was girls’ night? I didn’t hear either of you come in last night.”

“I’ll tell you about it over coffee.”

I shower and dress quickly so Leah and I can chat a bit before work. I walk into the kitchen, dump some food into Harry’s bowl, check to make sure he has water, and finally, sit down at the table. “Harry is starting to grow on me.”

Leah reaches down and scratches Harry’s head. “He’s a sweetheart. And he’s sad because his mommy is never home anymore.”

“His mommy needs to move back into her own home and Harry will have two mommies again. All will be right with the world.”

Leah looks at me. “I really don’t think that’s going to happen for a while. If ever. So tell me about girls’ night.”

I grimace at the memory. “Lynne brought UPS girl.”

Leah raises her eyebrows. “I thought Thursday was sacred.”

“So did we. In all of the years of Thursday nights at Janie’s, none of us has ever brought a date. That is our special time. No dates, no distractions.”

“And Lynne brought her … what is the word for a female boy toy?”

“I have no idea. But she didn’t belong at girls’ night.”

“What happened?”

“Nothing dramatic. We had a couple of drinks, tried to talk to the child and, eventually, Andy asked if I wanted to leave, so we did.”

“You were pretty late.”

“We went to Andy’s house and watched a movie and drank of bottle of rum.”

“Ah. You drink too much.” She pours me another cup of coffee.

“Considering my life right now, I don’t drink nearly enough. Besides, you smoke pot daily. I don’t drink every day.”

“Pot is different. It’s non-addictive.”

I snort. “To each his own, Leah.”

She smiles at me as I get up to rinse my cup. “Love you, darling.”

“Love you, too. Are you and Lynne going to your class tonight?”

“I am. Are you seeing Danny tonight?”

“Yep, he’s coming here for dinner.”

“Oh, I’ll spend the night at Sheila’s house then.”

“Leah, is something going on there?”

“No, not at all.” She tosses her hair back. “I think it would be great to be a lesbian, but I just don’t have it in me.”

I laugh. “Well, do whatever you need to do. Are you really going to be gone all night?”

“Yes, and I’ll let Lynne know to pack a bag before class. She can either go to UPS girl’s house, or come with me to Sheila’s.”

“Oh, kinky.”

“Should I call Lynne and ask her if the UPS girl wants to come to class?”

“She came to the empowerment exercise.”

“You should have stayed for that.”

“I had my own empowerment exercise.”

“Oh, I want details.”

“Forget it.”

Andy beeps her horn in front of my door. Leah looks up, surprised. “Are you getting a ride to work today?”

“Yep, Andy’s taking me in and Danny is picking me up.”

“Is something wrong with the car?”

“No, not at all.”

“Can I use it today?”

I hesitate for half a second. “Fine, the keys are on the rack. Why don’t you go see Gram and Gramps?”

Leah laughs. “Maybe I should invite my mother to the sex class.”

I shake my head and kiss her goodbye. “See you later.”

I jump into Andy’s car and kiss her on the cheek. “Hey, studly one. You look pretty perky for someone who drank half a bottle of rum last night!”

Andy smiles as she turns out of my parking lot. “I got up at five and did a boot camp style workout. Got the old heart pumping and sweat out the booze.”

“Yeah,” I say sarcastically. “That’s what I did, too.”

She laughs. “You would feel better if you did. Get up, work out hard, have a good breakfast. Speaking of which, that’s your breakfast in the cup holder.”

I pick up a travel cup. “What is it?”

“Banana, oatmeal, almonds and almond milk, blended with ice.”

“Sounds delicious.” I take a sip. “It is delicious. Thank you.”

“You should always eat breakfast,” she lectures, “even if it’s just a smoothie.”

“Coffee doesn’t count?”

“No, it doesn’t. This will help with the hangover.”

I sip slowly on the smoothie as we drive to the office. She’s right. I can feel it seeping into the empty spots in my body, strengthening me for the day. I look at Andy’s face as she drives. She’s smiling, singing along with an old Pansy Division song. Her skin is smooth, her eyes are bright. She looks more like thirty than forty. I should have been a lesbian. I could have moved in with Andy years ago and I would be thin and fit right now. We’d work out all of the time, and she would make me healthy smoothies for breakfast. I chuckle a little at the idea.

Andy turns her head. “What’s funny?”

“I was just thinking that if I had been a lesbian, you and I would have gotten married years ago and I would probably be fit and thin by now.”

She laughs. “No, you would look just the way you look right now.”

“What? No way. You’d force me to work out every day.”

She shakes her head. “Uh uh. We’d exercise together for health, but I wouldn’t want you to look any other way than you do right now.”

“Andy, seriously.”

“Davey, I am serious. Why can’t you accept that you’re beautiful?”

“Because I’m fat.”

“You’re not fat. You just think you are because that’s all Joe ever told you. For that alone, I should have cut off his dick. It’s been two years — it’s time to move on.”

“Yeah, yeah. I know. Anyway, I probably wouldn’t lose weight with you anyway, because you eat take out so much.”

Andy smiles. “If you were my wife, you’d be cooking for me every day, so I wouldn’t have to order take out.”

She pulls up in front of my office. “Hey, I was thinking of getting a group and going out to Frankie and Betty’s tomorrow night. Any interest?” She pauses. “You can bring Danny.”

“How generous.” I raise an eyebrow at her. “Dinner thing or drink thing?”

“Drink thing. Say around eight?”

“Sounds good. Shall I invite Steve and Erik?”

“Please. They would love it. Want me to call your mom and ask her?”

“Yeah, how about Lynne and the UPS driver?”

“What the hell? I’ll call Bob and reserve a table on the patio. We can sit on the sidewalk and scare all the straight people.”

I laugh and jump out of the car. I poke my head back in and grin at Andy. “You know, if we were married and I was having to cook you dinner every night, one thing would definitely change.”

She looks up, curious. “Yes?”

“You’d have to start opening car doors for me!” I close the door and walk to the building. I’m laughing as I walk into the office and still smiling when I reach the office. Steve and Erik walk in a few minutes behind me.

“Girl, I saw Andy leaving as I pulled up. Man, she is always hot.”

“Steve, give it up. She’s a lesbian. And you have a wonderful hubby!”

Erik shakes his head. “Andy’s on his freebie list. If she changed her mind, he would be allowed to do her.”

“Only I can guarantee she wouldn’t be the one to get fucked,” I laugh.

Steve looks thoughtful for a second. “I’d be okay with that.”

Erik starts up his computer. “Davey, I don’t know about this. You’ve been celibate for like five years…”

“Two,” I interject.

“Two. And now you’re either getting dropped off at work by a hot guy or by a hot woman. Seems like you have a lot going on these days.”

“Stop it. You know Andy is my best friend. She just dropped me off so Danny could pick me up this evening.”

Steve looks up. “Oh yes? And where are you two kids going on your date tonight?”

“My house. Leah and Lynne have that sex class tonight and my mother has already promised to spend the night away. So, I will be spending the evening alone with my man.”

“Oh, ho ho!” Erik giggles like a school girl.

“Young love,” Steve sighs. “It’s so adorable.”

I somehow make it through the work day, with Steve and Erik making little comments all day. The day was pretty uneventful. We are continuing to sell tickets to the benefit, and raising money in other ways from people who maybe can’t spend that much money on tickets. I love to tell people that every little bit counts. One of the tag lines in our new ad is “If your child is happy and healthy, please consider donating to a child who isn’t.” Our donations have been slowly ramping up as people grow to understand more about the LGBT community.

I look at the clock. Danny should be here in a minute. I stand up, gathering my things with the intention of meeting Danny outside.

“Oh, crap. Guys, I forgot to tell you. Andy wants to do a big group thing at Frankie and Betty’s tomorrow night … about eight. You in?”

“Totally.” Steve grins.

“Excuse me?”

I look up. Another of our temp volunteers is in the doorway, with Danny behind her. “Hey!” I walk over and take Danny’s hand, thanking the temp, whose name I can’t remember.

Steve and Erik both come out from behind their desks and look Danny over from head to toe.

He nods at both of them and smiles. “So which one is Steve and which is Erik?” he asks.

Steve leans forward to shake Danny’s hand. “I’m Steve. This is my hubby, Erik.”

Erik also shakes hands with Danny.

“It’s so nice to meet you, Danny,” Erik says. “We’ve heard so much about you.”

I roll my eyes. “I’m ready to go.”

Danny takes my hand.

“Wait, wait,” Steve says. “We haven’t had a chance to chat. Danny, do you like Liza Minelli?”

Danny smiles. “Well, she was good in Arthur.”

“Negative,” Erik says. “We’re talking about stage and song.”

“Sorry guys. I know who she is, but I don’t think I could name anything she sings.”

Steve nods. “Danny, have you ever watched ‘Glee’?”

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” I scowl. “Danny, come on.”

Danny is laughing. “Are you trying to figure out if I’m gay?”

Erik shakes his head. “Steve thinks every hot guy is gay.”

Danny smooths back his hair and adopts a male model pose. “All I can say is, at least he has good taste in hot guys.”

“Oh please,” I snort. We all laugh.

Danny smiles at the guys as we walk out the door. He turns back once before we leave. “I’m not gay,” he says. “But I promise if I ever decide to consider it, I’ll let you know.”

He puts his arm around me and we walk out. Behind me, I hear Steve say, “That’s it. He’s going on my freebie list!”

I smile up at Danny as we walk to his car. “You charm everyone.”

He takes my hand and kisses the back of it. “I like people. I like most people.”

“It shows. Everyone in my life is falling in love with you.”

He opens the passenger side door and looks at me. “Everyone?”

I lean forward and kiss him on the cheek, then get into the car. Danny sighs, closes the door and walks around to the driver’s side. I’m in love with him. I definitely love him. I just don’t know if I’m ready to tell him yet. It feels too quick, it feels like we’re challenging fate by getting so intense, so fast. My feelings for him terrify me. And his feelings for me kind of terrify me, too.

I hold his hand as we drive home. He doesn’t try to interrupt my thoughts, he’s singing softly along with the eighties music on the radio.

I watch his face as he drives. He looks completely relaxed behind the wheel. His hands are beautiful, with long, strong fingers. His nails and clean and cut short. As I look at him, I realize that there is nothing about his appearance that isn’t appealing to me. He catches me studying him out of the corner of his eye and stops singing.

“Too far off-key?” he asks.

“Not at all. How can you be off-key during Safety Dance?”

He glances over at me, then back at the road. “What is it?”

“I was just looking at your face.”

“Do I have something hanging from my nose?”

I let out a huge laugh. “No, not at all! No. I was just studying your face and thinking that there is nothing about it that isn’t incredibly attractive.”

He ducks his head and flushes a bit. “Really?” He looks at me out of the corner of his eye again.

“Yeah. I know I have said this before, but your features are perfect.”

“That’s completely subjective.”

“Well, then it’s a good thing that my opinion falls so squarely in your favor.”

He picks up my hand and kisses the inside of my wrist. I feel it all the way down to my toes. “Danny.”

“Should we stop somewhere and pick up dinner? I’m sure after working all day, you don’t feel like cooking.”

“I have noodles at home. All we have to do is boil some water and throw them in. While it is boiling, I will chop a bunch of veggies and sauté them. Then, I will dump them into the homemade red sauce that is already made.”

He nods. “Impressive plan. And what will I do?”

“You will rummage in my fridge and make a salad out of absolutely anything you want.”

“I think I can handle that.”

“Danny.” I stroke the inside of his arm.

He looks over at me. “Love?”

“Did you bring an overnight bag?”

“I did.”

I look out the window and smile to myself. Danny’s fingers keep stroking my hand the rest of the way home.

Lynne and Leah are still home when we get there, but getting ready to leave. Leah gives me a quick hug. “Have fun, be safe,” she whispers in my ear. She kisses Danny on the cheek and they leave.

Danny drops his overnight bag on a chair and turns to me. “Come here.”

I fold myself into his arms and lean my head back for a kiss. He obliges by lightly nibbling on my lower lip, then moving his mouth to kiss my cheek, my eyes, my forehead. He lightly sucks one of my earlobes into his mouth, then releases it and bites my neck. My whole body is throbbing as I pull away from him.

“This time you have to control yourself. I still need to start dinner and take a shower. Why don’t you put your bag in my bedroom.” I send up a quick prayer that Leah has cleaned the bedroom as promised. I put on the water to boil, get out the pasta, pull all of the vegetables out of the fridge. Danny comes in and puts something in the fridge.

“What’s that?”

“It’s your breakfast for tomorrow.”

“Impressive! I should keep you around.”

He grins and asks for a knife. He chops the veggies while I take a quick shower. Leah has cleaned the bedroom, changed the sheets, hung up all of our clothes. I make a mental note to buy her flowers tomorrow. Or pay for her piercings. I throw on a simple t-shirt without a bra and a pair of hip hugging jeans. I walk into the kitchen barefoot.

“Danny?”

He turns around and looks me up and down. A small smile plays over his lips.

“Yes, love?”

“How was your day today?”

“It was good. I finished an article on homeopathic veterinarians.”

“Interesting. Maybe we should take Harry to one.” I eye Harry as he jumps into a kitchen chair.

Danny reaches over and pets Harry’s head. “He’s a sweetheart.”

“He’s a menace. Leah left the bedroom door open and he got into a laundry basket and shredded three pairs of underwear. Nice underwear!”

“Poor baby.” He nuzzles his face against my neck. “I’ll buy you new underwear.”

I laugh and smack his hand. “More cutting, less nuzzling.” He runs one finger across the neck of my t-shirt. “I don’t think it’s fair to come out here without a bra and expect me not to touch your breasts.”

“I do expect you to touch them. You’re just not allowed to touch them right now.”

“You’re a hard woman.”

“I’m a slave driver in the kitchen, buddy.” I wave a wooden spoon at him.

Danny sautéed the veggies while I was showering, so I dump them into the red sauce. The pasta is in the boiling water.

“Davey, are we eating in here?”

“Yes, do you want to set the table?”

“Show me where everything is.”

He sets the table, as I finish cooking our dinner. He places two bowls of salad at each place.

“Dressing?”

“There’s an oil and vinegar mix in a plastic container. Bottom shelf.”

I dish up our spaghetti and we sit to eat.

“I guess we need to add cooking to your extensive list of accomplishments.”

“Yes, I can barely carry my resume, it’s so extensive.”

“Why do you do that?”

“Do what?”

“Deflect compliments.”

“I don’t know. I guess it sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable.”

“I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable, but I want to be able to compliment you when I feel it.”

“I don’t want you to stop,” I say softly.

He smiles. “Good.”

“You seem to take compliments pretty well.”

“You mean when you told me I had the face of an angel?” He grins. “Or when you said I was really good at oral sex?”

I blush and smack his arm. “Either. Or both.”

He looks serious for a minute. “I trust you. So, if you tell me something, I know that it’s true, at least in your opinion. Whether or not I’m gorgeous doesn’t matter to me one bit. Whether or not you think I am matters quite a lot.”

I take his hand and kiss the inside of his wrist.

“Ah,” he breathes. “You’re stealing my moves.”

After dinner, we clean up quickly, then move to the living room. I sit down on the couch and Danny flops down next to me, lying his head on my lap. I run my fingers through his hair, over his eyebrows, down his nose, across his lips. He closes his eyes and smiles.

“Davey, I haven’t seen you since Thursday morning. Tell me everything that’s happened since then.”

I move my hands back to his head, and run my fingers through his hair. “Girls’ night was a bust. Lynne brought the UPS girl.”

“I thought that was taboo.”

“It was. I don’t know what she was thinking.”

“Knowing you, you were probably warm and welcoming to her.”

“I was nice. Andy was not.”

“Hmm. I find that hard to believe.”

“Stop it.”

“Anything else? How was work today?”

“Today was fine. I love Steve and Erik.”

“They seem really nice.”

“I like them a lot. We work well together.”

“Do they really think I’m gay?”

“No, they’re just trying to get a rise out of me.”

“Did you think that I’m gay?”

“Never in life.”

He smiles. “I’m really proud of you, not many people would do what you do to help all of those kids.”

“Too bad we can’t help all of them. I talked to Jonah Astor on the phone the week he died. We were trying to help him, but we didn’t do enough.”

“I saw that in the paper. He was the transgendered boy who killed himself?”

“Technically, he was transsexual. He knew he was male, but he was born in a female body. He hadn’t started transitioning yet, but only because he was under eighteen. His mother thought it would be better to wait until he was completely through puberty before he started having surgeries or taking hormones. He had been passing as a boy for several years, but of course, someone found out and then everyone knew. His mother switched his schools a couple of times, but it was the same story.”

“I noticed you refer to him as ‘he’, even though he hadn’t started transitioning.”

“Well, he was a boy. He was just born in the wrong body. He couldn’t help that. He was only lucky in that he had a mother who completely accepted him and forced his siblings to accept him, as well.”

“You have an amazing soul,” Danny says, reaching up and stroking my face.

I look down at him, blinking back tears. “His mother is the one with the amazing soul. She lost her son. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain of losing a child. I can’t imagine the pain of looking into that beautiful boy’s eyes every day and seeing the torment he was going through.” I can feel a tear sliding down my face. Danny reaches up and wipes it off.

“Davey. There’s something I want to talk about.”

“Of course, Danny. What…”

I’m interrupted by a banging on the door. What the hell is going on now? “Give me a minute.”

The banging continues as Danny and I stand up. Danny looks at me. “Let me answer, that sounds angry.”

He opens the door and Sarah comes storming in. She looks at Danny, then at me. “Is Lynne here?”

“No, Sarah, she’s not. And as you can see, I have a date, so…”

Sarah flops down into a chair, obviously drunk. “Do you know when she’s coming back?”

“No, I asked her to stay out all night so I could have some private…”

“Is she with that little bitch?” Her voice is rising.

“No, she’s with my mother, who is also kicked out of the house for the night. So, as you can see, this really…”

“She never should have left.” Sarah’s eyes start watering. “I shouldn’t have yelled at her.” Her voice cracks and she starts full on crying. Danny grabs a box of tissues and hands it to her. She blows her nose and leaves the crumpled tissue on the table.

“Sarah, look. I know things are difficult right now, but…”

“I can’t believe she told you that we weren’t having sex!”

“Well, we’ve been friends for twenty…”

“That was nobody’s business but ours.”

“I know. She knows. She was just…”

“And it isn’t like we never had sex. It just wasn’t all of the time.”

“That’s fine, Sarah, but…”

“She doesn’t know how hard it is for me, working all of the time, trying to make ends meet, paying the mortgage, paying the bills.”

“Well, Lynne has a job…”

“And then she’s always wanting me to be something I’m not. Stop drinking so much, pay more attention to her all of the time.”

“I don’t think those are unreasonable…”

“And she has the nerve to make a joke of our sex life with you and Andy.”

“It wasn’t a joke. It was never a joke. We were trying to help…”

“We don’t need your help!” She blinks again, then stares up at me, weaving a bit. “Wow, you have some nice tits!”

Danny stands up and puts himself between us. “Sarah, you need to leave.”

She blinks up at him. “Who the hell are you?”

“I’m Davey’s boyfriend, and I think you should go.”

Sarah moves to stand up, then falls back in the chair. “I think I need another beer.”

“Shit. Danny, we can’t let her drive back to Ohio City in this condition.”

“Fuck you,” Sarah slurs. “I can drive. I’m perfectly fine.” She tries to put her elbow on the arm of the chair and misses, slumping further down into the seat.

Danny sighs. “I’ll drive her home.”

“No, I don’t want you to have to deal with her.”

“I’m not going anywhere with you, breeder,” Sarah mutters, half passed out. She slides further down in the chair and closes her eyes.

Danny and I look at each and shrug. He grabs a stool and puts it under her feet. I think about taking her shoes off, then let it go. She should be grateful that I haven’t just tossed her out onto the sidewalk.

Danny is staring at the ceiling. I touch his shoulder. “Hey, you all right?”

He breathes out hard through his teeth. “If she was a man, I would have hit her. She had no right to talk to you like that.”

I lean over and kiss his cheek. “My chivalrous hero.”

He shakes his head. “I guess that’s the end of our evening.”

I glare down at her for a minute, then turn back to him . “I have to work in the morning anyway.”

He holds his hand out to me. “Let’s get ready for bed.”

We take turns in the bathroom and get into bed. Danny puts his arms around me and cuddles in close. “Davey?”

“Yes.”

“You have a very dramatic life.”

“I don’t, though. It all started when Lynne showed up on my doorstep.”

He laughs. “And then your mom.”

“And then the sex classes.”

“And the naked women in your living room.”

We both laugh as he pulls me in closer. “Danny, did you want to talk to me about something?”

“Not now. We’ll have another chance.”

I kiss his chin. “Sorry our night was ruined.”

“It wasn’t ruined. I’m here with you.”

“Danny?”

“Yes, baby?”

“I love you.”

He gets completely still.

“Danny, are you still breathing?”

He looks down into my face. “Did you say you love me?”

“Yes.”

“Ah. Thank God.” He kisses me warmly on the mouth. “Davey, I love you, too.”

“I know.”

Chapter Fourteen

“Get up and get the hell out of my house.” I’m kicking the side of the chair that holds a still passed out Sarah. “Hey! Hey! Get your ass out of my chair!” I start hitting her with a throw pillow.

Danny walks out of the bathroom, dressed but with his hair still wet. It curls up a bit at the neck and around his ears when it’s wet. He looks so adorable, I’m distracted for a minute from my mission.

“Hi,gorgeous.” I smile at him.

“Hi, my love. I missed you when I woke up this morning.”

“I figured I would let you sleep a few extra minutes while I got ready for work.”

Sarah starts stirring and groaning. I turn around and hit her in the head with the pillow again.

“Get up! Get up!” I’m beating her with the pillow. She throws her hands over her head.

“All right, all right. Jesus Christ. I’m awake. Stop it.”

“Get up right now and get out of my house. I have to go to work.”

She lumbers unsteadily to her feet. Danny has moved in and it standing partly between us. Sarah squints at him. “Oh, it’s lover boy. Get out of my way, dick.”

I nail her hard on the face with the pillow and she falls back down into the chair. Danny is laughing hysterically. “Do not ever call my man a dick!” I yell, enunciating every word. “Now get the fuck out of my house!”

She finally full regains her feet. “I have to use your bathroom.”

“No.” I grab her arm and propel her to the door. “You can pee in the parking lot for all I care!”

I give her a shove out the door and slam it.

I turn around to see Danny, perched on the arm of the couch, smiling. “I thought you were going to punch her for a second there.”

“She had no right to talk to you like that. I don’t care if she’s a man-hater, she can’t bring that hate into my house.”

“You’re protective of your man.”

“You would be the same way if someone was talking shit about me.”

I move in between his legs and curl my fingers into the hair at the back of his neck. “Besides, she ruined our night last night. She’s lucky I didn’t break her nose with that throw pillow.”

He puts his arms around me and pulls me in close, burying his head against my breasts. “Nothing is ruined, my love. We have tonight.”

“Not tonight.” I kiss the top of his head. “Tonight we have the get together at Frankie and Betty’s, then I have to go home so I can go with my mom to get her nipples pierced tomorrow morning.”

“Ah, a healthy family activity!”

I chuckle, pressing my face against the top of his head. “If you have time, you could pick me up at work and I can get ready at your place. That way I don’t have to go all the way home before coming back to your side of town.”

“I would love it. Can I watch you get ready?”

“Maybe, if you behave yourself until then.”

“Oh, I’ll be on my best behavior.”

“You always are.”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t harbor secret fantasies about ravaging you up against the wall.”

He nestles his face in between my breasts and lightly kisses each one.

“Danny.”

“Yes?”

“Take me to work.”

“Dammit.”

I grab everything I need for the outing tonight while Danny gets his things together and retrieves the bag from the refrigerator. “Oh, what is that?”

“You can look in the car. Let’s go.”

He opens the door for me and kisses me before helping me in. “Danny?”

“Hmm?”

“Don’t stop doing that, all right?”

“Never in life.”

“What are these?” I hold up what looks like an oatmeal cookie ball.

“They’re oatmeal bites. Oatmeal, nuts, flaxseed, so on. They’re very good for you. Try it.”

I cautiously take a bite. “Oh, it is good. Did you make these?”

“Yes, I remember you saying that you’re bad about breakfast. These are easy. You can take them in the car and eat them while you’re driving.”

“Danny, thank you.”

He looks at me and takes my hand. “I want to take care of you.”

I smile, looking down our joined hands. “Are you sure you won’t feel uncomfortable hanging out at a gay bar with a bunch of gay people?”

He laughs. “The only person whose sexuality matters to me is yours. And that’s only because I want you to want me. Other than that, it doesn’t matter.”

I sigh. “I wish more people felt like that. Honestly, why does a person’s love life matter to anyone else in the world?”

“People are afraid of what they don’t understand.”

“I guess.”

“Davey?”

I look at his face. “Yes?”

“Last night, you told me you love me.”

“Strangely, I remember that.”

He smiles. “Just making sure the cold light of day didn’t make you change your mind.”

I pretend to mull it over. “While it’s true that you’re looking a little rough this morning…”

“Rough? Don’t make me pull over this car and show you rough!”

“Oh! I love it when you get aggressive with me,” I say, laughing.

“You’re going to get a spanking in a minute,” he warns.

“Danny?”

“Yes, my love?”

“If you’re wondering if I meant it when I said I love you, then yes. I love you. I do love you.”

He smiles as he lifts my hand to his mouth and presses it to his lips. “I think I’m the luckiest man in the world.”

We pull up in front of the office and he kisses me long and deep. I twine my fingers into his hair, not wanting to let him go. “Danny,” I whisper.

“Davey,” he breathes against my mouth.

“Can I sleep over on Sunday night?”

“Yes. Please. You’re off on Monday, right?”

“Yes.”

“We’ll have all night. And all day.” He continues kissing my lips between words.

“Yes.”

“I need you.”

“Danny.”

“I love you, Davey.”

I’m startled by a rap on the window. “Hey, no making out in public!” Steve and Erik are on the sidewalk. Danny shakes his head. “Hang on.” He jumps out of the car and walks over to open my door and give me a hand out.

Steve sighs. “A gentleman. Erik, remember when you used to do that for me?”

Erik gives him a pointed look. “I still do that.”

“Hmmph. Not all of the time. And not when we’re getting out.”

I kiss Danny quickly on the mouth. “This argument could go on for years.”

“See you all tonight,” Danny calls as he gets back in the car.

“Bye, gorgeous!” Steve winks at him.

Danny laughs and shakes his head. “See you tonight, Davey.”

He drives off as I turn on Steve and Erik. “Thank you. Thank you so much for interrupting! That was so pleasant.”

“Girl, you were getting way too hot and heavy for this hour of the morning.”

Erik sighs. “Did you see the way he looked at her when he left? Young love. It’s such a beautiful thing.”

I turn my back on them and walk into the office.

“Oh come on, Davey,” Erik is saying as he walks into our office. “Don’t be so sensitive.”

“I’m not being sensitive. I just happened to be having a really incredible make out session before work and you bitches ruined it.”

“Aw, poor baby,” Steve whines in a show a fake sympathy.

I glare at him as I turn on my computer. “Unlike you old married people around here, I like to make out with my boyfriend in the car.”

Steve raises his eyebrows. “Oh? Are we calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend now?”

“Um, yeah. Last night when Sarah showed up at my place, she made a rude comment to me and Danny defended me. Then he introduced himself to her as my boyfriend.”

“Sarah showed up at your house last night?” Erik is shocked.

“I know! She was completely trashed and looking for Lynne!”

“No way! Were you and Danny getting it on?”

“No, but Lynne and Leah had agreed to spend the night out of the apartment so he and I could have the whole night together in my bed. Then Sarah showed up and ruined it!”

“That bitch!” Steve yelled.

I laugh. “It didn’t end up getting ruined. We cuddled the whole night. And I told him I love him.”

Steve pretends to wipe tears from his eyes. “I knew from the beginning that it was meant to be.”

“No you didn’t! You thought Danny was gay!”

“I never thought that after I met him.”

“Good point.”

I send an email to Lynne outlining the evening with Sarah last night, then send her a text telling her to check her email. Then I call my mom.

Hi, sweetheart.”

“Leah, how was the sex class?”

“Darling, it was amazing. I’ll tell you all about it tonight!”

“Can’t wait.”

“Should I come get you?”

“No, but you can take my car if you want. I figured I would ride home with you and we can go to the piercer in the morning.”

“Are you getting pierced too, darling?”

“Um, no. But I will go for moral support.”

“You’re a great daughter.”

“I have my moments.”

“How was your date last night?”

“Are you at home?”

“Yes.”

“Is Lynne there?”

“Yep, she’s on her laptop.”

“Then ask her about my date last night.”

“All right, see you tonight, sweetie.”

“Love you, Leah.”

“You too, darling.”

I pass the morning sending emails and processing donations. Steve and Erik have ticket sales rolling in at this point. It looks like the benefit is going to be sold out. I send off a quick email to Andy reminding her to buy a ticket if she wants to come.

At lunch, Steve and Erik go off to Polly’s and I ask them to bring me a salad. I put my feet on the desk and pick up the phone.

“Hey, Danny.”

“Davey. I miss you already.”

“You haven’t had time to miss me.”

“I miss you when you leave the room for five minutes,” he says, laughing.

“You can miss me tonight when you are sleeping alone in your bed and I am back in my big, beautiful bed, sleeping peacefully with Leah snoring beside me.”

“Poor love. It’s a hard life.”

“It is!”

“It’s a comfortable bed, though.”

“It’s a great sleeping bed.”

“Is it great for anything else?”

“I wouldn’t know. Apparently, I am destined to do nothing but sleep in that bed for the rest of my life.”

“Oh, that will probably change at some point.”

“Your bed is pretty comfortable.”

He chuckles softly. “For more than just sleeping.”

“I know. I’m looking forward to finding out how much more tomorrow night.”

“Can I come get you now?”

“I’ll see you at five.”

“All right. Bye, Davey.”

“Bye.”

I stare at the wall for a few minutes, thinking about tomorrow night. Danny and I will be completely alone. I’m pretty sure we’re going to have sex. I mean, I’m pretty sure it would have happened last night if not for stupid Sarah and her stupid bullshit. Maybe I should just move out of my apartment and let Leah and Lynne have it. I pop another oatmeal ball into my mouth. I love a breakfast that lasts through lunch. I could go fully vegan if everything tasted as good as these. I’m starting to get nervous about tonight. I know Danny says he is perfectly fine with hanging around all of my gay friends, but I don’t want him to be uncomfortable. More than that, I don’t want to be irritated with him if he is uncomfortable.

I spend the rest of the lunch hour fretting about Danny, about sex, and about whether or not we’ve moved too fast.

Steve and Erik come back from lunch talking happily, holding hands, and smiling at each other.

“Guys? How long did you know each other before you knew you were in love?”

Steve sits down on his desk, facing me. “I think I knew it the first time I talked to Erik. I don’t even remember exactly what he said, but I remember his smile, and the way I could read his emotions in his eyes. I just knew I was in love, or that I was going to fall in love right away.”

“That’s sweet! Erik, what about you?”

He sits in his chair and puts his feet on his desk. “It took me a little longer. He asked me out and I said no.”

“What? How come?”

“Well, I was dating someone else at the time.”

“Oh.”

Steve clears his throat. “To be fair, I didn’t realize he was in a relationship, and I didn’t ask him out again until they had already broken up.”

“Fair enough. So, Erik, you and your boyfriend broke up and then Steve asked you out?”

He nods. “The ex and I were a temporary thing anyway. We had only been together a couple of weeks. When I met Steve, I thought he was really sweet and genuine, but I don’t think it was love at first sight. But after he asked me out, I started thinking about it. We had talked, we knew we had a lot in common, just from the short time we had spent together. I think I went home, looked at the guy I was doing and thought about where I wanted to be for the rest of my life.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I guess I was getting to that age when you start thinking more about love and less about the toy of the moment.”

“So, you went out your first date?”

“Yep, and I told you what happened in the car on the way to our first date!”

We all laugh. “Gay men are sex maniacs,” I say.

“Not even! We were just really attracted to each other.”

“Besides,” Steve adds, “I’m pretty sure you would have done old Blue Eyes on the first date if the opportunity had presented itself.”

“Pretty sure you’re right.” I look back at Erik. “So, Erik. Stop avoiding the question. When did you know you were in love?”

He thinks for a minute. “I think I knew it on our third date. We went to an art gallery. There was a couple walking around behind us and every time the woman said something about a piece of art, the guy berated her and told her she obviously didn’t understand anything about art. Steve finally got pissed off and turned around to tell the woman that she deserved better than the prick she was with. He basically went off on the guy about what a dick he was, and that Steve, as a gay man, knew more about how to treat a woman than that guy did.”

“Nice. What happened?”

“Nothing. The guy took off, the woman thanked Steve and went after the guy. Typical.”

“But that was when you knew you were in love with him?”

“Right after. He turned to me, touched my face and told me that he would never berate me for any opinion, big or small. Then he kissed me. I knew it then. I told him then.”

“Aw. That’s sweet. And now you’ve been together for five years. There are happy endings.”

Steve smiles. “You make your own happy ending, Davey. You and Danny are right for each other. You love each other. Now you have to do the work.”

“Do you think you two are soul mates?”

Erik shrugs. “I don’t know if I believe in soul mates. We love each other and we are both willing to do the work to keep this relationship going for a lifetime. That’s commitment and respect, not some magical, mystical soul mate.”

Steve nods. “I agree. There are billions of people in the world. It’s juvenile to think that there is just one who can make you happy for the rest of your life. The key is to be happy with yourself, then find someone with whom you want to share that happiness.”

“I want to share my happiness with Danny. I want to do things that make him smile.”

Steve grins. “Then that, my love, is exactly what you should do.”

I spend the rest of the day mulling over their words and by the time Danny comes to get me, I’m past my moment of anxiety.

“Oh, Danny, my darling,” Steve calls as he walks in the room.

Danny smiles. “Hi, gorgeous.”

Steve flutters his hands around his face. “Oh, he called me gorgeous!”

Danny shakes his head, “I was talking to Erik!”

“Ha!” Erik gives Danny a high five.

“That’s it. See you guys around eight.” I take Danny’s hand and pull him out of the office.

“What, no kiss hello?” He’s laughing as I stride out to the car.

“Not until we’re in the car with the doors locked and the windows up!”

Danny sees me into the car and walks around to his side. The moment he closes the door, I’m in his arms, kissing his desperately. He kisses me back, hard, then pulls away and laughs. “Not that I’m complaining, but what brought that on?”

I lightly kiss along his jaw line, running my fingers through his hair. He closes his eyes and sighs. “Never mind. I don’t care what brought it on. Just keep doing it.”

“I was worrying about us today.”

“Why were you worrying?” He pulls back a little, looking concerned.

“I wondered if we were moving too fast, if it was really possible for us to be in love with each other after such a short time.”

“Davey,” Danny says, gently lifting my face until our eyes meet. “I know my heart. I knew it almost from the moment I met you.”

“So you’re telling me you’re not at all afraid?”

“Are you kidding? I’m terrified. I’m terrified that you’ll change your mind about me or decide you don’t want to be with me. I’m terrified when you’re away from me for more than five minutes. I worry that something will happen to you, or that you’ll meet the world’s sexiest man.” He laughs slightly. “Yeah, I’m terrified.”

“Danny, don’t be afraid. Don’t be afraid of me. I know my own heart, too.”

He pulls me in tight and for a second I can’t breathe. “I hope so, Davey.”

We kiss for a few more minutes before we drive to his house.

“Your bag is in the bedroom. Do you want to get ready before dinner or after?”

“I’d like to shower before dinner.”

He kisses me on the nose. “Go ahead. I’ll get dinner prepped.”

I move towards the stairs. “Unless,” I say, turning back to look at him, “you want to come shower with me.”

He stares at me for a second, his eyes unreadable. “I want to, but I can’t. I have stuff to do for dinner.”

“Danny?”

He looks away. “It’s all right, sweetheart. You go ahead.”

“Danny?” My voice is firmer this time.

“Davey.” He doesn’t look up.

“Danny, are you ashamed of something on your body? Are you embarrassed to get naked with me?”

He looks up at me, his face serious. “Yes.”

I walk back to him and take him in my arms. He leans his head down on my shoulder and breathes against my neck. “I’m afraid you’ll be…” He pauses, looking for the right word. “I’m afraid you’ll be disgusted.”

“Danny, I don’t care what scars you have or what you might think it wrong with your body. I fell in love with your beautiful eyes, your warm smile, and your veggie stir fry. I think I can be trusted to see you naked.”

He lifts his head and kisses me warmly on the mouth. “Davey, I’ve said before that you have an amazing soul and I was right. But I’m not ready yet. Tomorrow, when we have a lot of uninterrupted time together, I promise we’ll get naked. We’ll stay naked all day and night. I’ll wander around the house doing all sorts of naked things until you beg me to put clothes on.”

I laugh, punching him on the arm. “That’s fine. I can wait until tomorrow. But may I remind you that you have already seen me naked.” I give him a last kiss and turn away. When I reach the stairs, I look at him over my shoulder. “And you’re about to again.” I take off my shirt and throw it over my shoulder. As I start walking up the stairs, I unhook my bra and drop it on the stairs. A few steps up and my jeans are on the ground. When I reach the top of the stairs, I turn around to see him standing at the bottom, holding my shirt in his hands. He grins up at me. “You can’t take me that far and not finish,” he says.

“I sure can.” I turn the corner and disappear. Behind the wall, I strip out of my panties and throw them back down the stairs. Danny growls at the bottom of the stairs. I peek around the corner. He’s still standing there, staring up at me. “Davey?”

“Danny?”

“You’re so beautiful.”

I look at him for a second, half-tempted to make a crack about him needing his eyes checked. “Danny, I can tell by the way you look at me.”

He smiles and I go into the bathroom. When I finish showering, I rummage through Danny’s drawers, looking for a t-shirt. I find an old t-shirt from an 80’s Clash concert. I think I just fell more in love. I slide the t-shirt over my head, opting to wear nothing else to dinner. I tiptoe down the stairs and sneak into the living room. Danny is relaxed in the arm chair, eyes closed. He’s listening to Frank Sinatra. I settle onto his lap and he puts his arms around me without opening his eyes. “Danny, are you okay?”

He nods and snuggles me in closer. “I just want to hold you here for a minute.”

I lean against him, resting my head on his shoulder. He rubs my back, my shoulder, my neck. His lips gently nuzzle against my face. “We have a couple of hours until we need to go.”

His arms tighten around me. “Just rest here with me for a minute, then we’ll eat dinner.”

“I’m worried about you.”

“I’m all right. Let’s just relax for a minute.”

I let my head rest completely against his shoulder, sliding my body down a little so I can recline. His breath is warm and even against my hair. I let one of my hands rest lightly on his chest, gently stroking him through his shirt.

“Davey.”

I startle and jump. “What? I wasn’t sleeping!”

Danny laughs. “I didn’t say you were. Though you were snoring an awful lot for someone who wasn’t sleeping.”

I relax back against his body. “I don’t snore.”

“My apologies. You were breathing loudly through your nose.”

“Was I really snoring?”

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. It was adorable.”

“Hmm. How long have I been asleep?”

“About forty minutes.”

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry. Your legs must be crushed! Why didn’t you wake me up?”

“Because you looked so beautiful and it felt so good to have you sleeping in my arms. And my legs are not crushed. But if we want to eat dinner before we go out, we should probably think about it.”

“Did I make you ruin your dinner?”

“I have a black bean stew in the crock pot on warm. It’s fine.”

I stretch and yawn. Danny puts his hands under the t-shirt and strokes my stomach. “This shirt looks good on you — I think you should keep it.”

“Are you sure? I bet it has sentimental value.”

“Because it’s so old?” he asks, laughing.

“What is it with men and old shirts?”

“Are you telling me you don’t have any clothes that should have gone in the trash long ago?”

“Nothing as disreputable as this!”

“I like you in a disreputable shirt. Especially with nothing underneath it.” He pokes a finger into one of the holes in the shirt.

“Stop it,” I shriek. “I’m ticklish there.”

“Come on, up and at ’em.”

He lifts me off of his lap, then spanks my butt when we’re both standing. I spin around and pretend to glare at him. He laughs and raises his hands. “Don’t leave that cute little butt exposed if you don’t want it spanked!”

He teases me throughout dinner. I’m glad to see his mood has gotten better. I don’t know how to convince him that scars won’t bother me. I guess all I can do is show him when he finally feels comfortable enough to let me see him. It’s not like I have a perfect body. I mean, I wonder if he has any idea how hard it was for me to get naked in front of him. I wish I was slender, or really fit, but I’m not. Yet, I trusted him enough to let him see me fully nude.

After dinner, I put on a red dress and low heels. I smooth down my hair and apply minimal makeup. Danny puts on dark jeans, a white button front shirt and a red tie. “Oh, we look like a power couple.”

He grins. “You look amazing. I’m just trying to keep up.”

“Your butt looks adorable in those jeans.”

“Really?” He turns around and wiggles it. “All of this could be yours!”

“Come on. If you don’t stop tempting me, we won’t make it to the bar.”

He leers at me. “That would be a tragedy.”

“Come on, stud.”

We drive downtown and cruise down the block near Frankie and Betty’s. Andy and several other people are already sitting at a big table on the patio. We drive down a side street, looking for a parking place. Finally, Danny deftly slides into a parallel parking place that I wouldn’t have even considered. I wink at him. “Smooth parking.”

He straightens his tie. “Thank you, it’s a gift.”

He walks around to my side of the car and opens my door. “My lady.”

We walk arm in arm down the street to the bar. I’m joyous. The weather is warm, but with a hint of coolness in the breeze. Danny looks gorgeous. I look pretty good, for me. We feel right … just right. Danny is smiling at me, he feels it, too. We reach the bar and Andy jumps over the fence separating the fence and the street. She gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

“I feel like I haven’t seen you in weeks,” she says.

“It’s been a while,” I agree.

Danny holds out his hand. “Sorry I’ve been keeping her to myself. I’ll try to be less selfish.”

Andy nods. “Tonight, we’ll share her.” She turns and winks at me. “You look hot in that red dress. Try not to make my date jealous.”

I look over her shoulder to see a petite blond staring at us. She looks about twenty-two, with bright red lipstick and what could be a permanent pout. I raise my eyebrows at Andy. “Alice?”

“Who? Oh, no. Yeah. No, that was last week.”

Danny laughs. “I know a lot of guys who wish they were as good with women as you are.”

Andy grins. “Just my natural charm, I guess.” She looks at me. “Davey, you all right?”

No, I’m not all right. I’ve just seen my ex-boyfriend, Joe the dick, walking down the sidewalk. He is on a collision course with us and other than jumping over the fence into the relative safety of the gay bar, I’m screwed. Andy looks over her shoulder to see what has caught my eye and lets out a little snarl.

“What’s going on?” Danny is looking from one of us to the other, then notices Joe. “Who is that?” he whispers to me. I don’t have time to answer before Joe is nearly upon us.

“God bless my soul!” he bellows in a ridiculously hearty voice. “If it isn’t Andy and Davey.”

Andy half turns, blocking most of my body with hers. “Hello, Joe,” she deadpans.

I do nothing but nod. Joe looks at Danny.

“And who is this?” He holds out his hand to Danny. Danny shakes it without smiling.

“Hello. My name is Daniel Walker.”

“Daniel Walker,” Joe intones. “So pleased to meet you. My name is Joseph Meyer.”

Danny nods. “If you’ll excuse us, we were on our way to…”

“Nonsense,” Joe interrupts. “I haven’t seen Davey here in two years. We should at least take a few minutes to get reacquainted.” He looks down at Danny’s hand, which has taken mine. “Aw, how sweet. Are you Davey’s boyfriend?”

Danny nods again, putting his arm across my shoulder.

Joe smiles. “Somehow, Davey, I always thought when I was done with you, you’d end up with this dyke.”

Danny’s fist flashes past my face and connects hard with Joe’s jaw. Joe rocks back for half a second, then grabs Danny by the collar. Before he can throw a punch, Andy gut punches Joe, then kicks him in the balls. He lets out a grunt and drops to one knee. Andy quickly pulls Joe’s arm around behind his back and wrenches it up. She grins at me. “You know, Davey, I wanted to cut off his balls when you two broke up, but you wouldn’t let me. Now that he’s started a fist fight with us, I think I have a good excuse.”

Steve, Erik and a friend of Andy’s named Chuck have jumped over the fence by now. Steve and Erik are pretty normal sized guys, like Danny, but Chuck is a hugely muscled leather man who happens to be wearing a t-shirt that looks like it is about to burst from the pressure of his chest muscles. Andy releases Joe and he stands up, rubbing his arm. He looks around at the group, then straight at me.

“It’s not worth it to get into a fight over this fat bitch!”

Danny’s fist shoots out again and connects with Joe’s face. Then, he throws himself on Joe, knocking him to the ground. He throws two more punches before Steve and Erik pull him off. Andy and Chuck jump between him and Joe. I give Joe a hard kick in the crotch again while he’s down. Danny struggles against Steve and Erik. “Do not speak to her like that again or I will kill you!” His face is bright red and he looks like he’s about to have a stroke. Andy touches my arm.

“Why don’t you three take Danny inside? Chuck and I will take care of this.” She gestures offhandedly at Joe.

Steve and Erik and I maneuver Danny around the corner and into the side entrance of Frankie and Betty’s. By the time we’ve threaded through the crowd and out to the patio, Joe is gone and Andy and Chuck are back at the table. Andy stands up as we come out and smiles at Danny. She layers a couple of napkins and grabs a handful of ice out of her drink. “Put this on your knuckles,” she tells Danny, kindly. “I don’t imagine they feel great right now.”

We all sit and I hold the ice pack on Danny’s hand. He glances at me. “Are you pissed at me?”

“Are you kidding? You punched Joe. A few times.” I kiss him lightly on the mouth. “My hero.”

Andy laughs. “I appreciate you defending my honor,” she says. “Though, I do find it a bit amusing. But I really appreciate you defending Davey. That dick doesn’t need to speak to her like that, ever.”

Danny nods. “I wanted to kill him.”

I run my fingers through his hair and kiss him again.

Steve throws back his head and laughs. “I have to admit that I was absolutely riveted to my seat when you threw a punch at a man who looked to be about six foot eight and fully muscled.”

Danny shakes his head ruefully. “I wasn’t thinking about the odds.” He grins sheepishly.

Erik nods towards Tim, Chuck’s partner. “And where were you when your hubby was jumping into the fray?”

Tim laughs. “Please. Look at Chuck. Do you think he needs any help against one guy? Besides, Andy was already there. She had it. Chuck was only there for show.”

“By the way,” I add. “This is Danny. Danny, that’s Tim and Chuck.”

Danny smiles at each of them. “Nice to meet you. I’d offer to shake hand, but I might cry if you squeezed too hard.”

Chuck laughs. “Nice to meet you, too. That was a completely respectable punch.”

Everyone chuckles. Steve pats Danny on the shoulder. “You can throw a punch for me anytime you want, big boy.”

Danny smiles at Steve. “You name it, Steve. I’ll protect you.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know your name.” I turn to Andy’s date. She petulantly looks back at me, then looks away again. Andy laughs.

“This is Jana. She doesn’t have any social skills, apparently.”

“Fuck you, Andy,” the girl spits out.

Chuck raises his eyebrows and mutters, “Obviously conversation isn’t the attraction in that relationship.”

We’re saved from a response by the arrival of Lynne and Leah. The UPS girl isn’t in sight.

I stand up and kiss my mother. Andy leans over and hugs her while I greet Lynne. The whole table shifts a bit to make room for everyone. Chuck pulls out the seat next to him and asks Leah to come sit there.

“Leah, I’ve heard a lot about you,” he says. “Do you want another child? I can be adopted.”

She giggles and pats his arm. “I have more than enough love to go around.”

Steve smiles. “Thank God. I’d hate for you to throw me over for this one, just because he’s better looking than I am!”

Leah shakes her head. “You’re both gorgeous. And I would never throw you over.”

I lean back in my chair, watching Leah work the crowd. She really is a charming woman. Despite her weirdness, or perhaps because of it, she draws people to her. She’s like the mother of all misfits. Anyone who falls the slightest bit outside of the “norm” of society falls under the protection and care of Leah. I smile at her across the table.

“Danny!” Leah looks concerned. “Did something happen to your hand?”

Andy starts laughing as Danny looks sheepish again. “Uh, I got in a bit of a fight.”

Andy shakes her head. “No, what happened was we ran into Davey’s ex-asshole, Joe, and he started talking some shit and Danny hauled off and punched him. A couple of times. It was great!”

Leah flutters her eyelashes. “Well, I see he didn’t manage to get a hit on you!”

Danny smiles. “Only because Andy and Chuck were there. If it came down to a fair fight between the two of us, you would have had to scrape pieces of me off of the sidewalk.”

“It doesn’t matter. It only matters that you stood up for us,” I say, kissing his cheek. “You truly are my hero.”

“Oh, mine too, I guess,” Andy says, grinning. “Though you know I could have handled him on my own.”

“I know,” Danny replies. “I just lost it when he called you that. I felt it was the only response.”

Chuck nods towards Danny’s hand. “Next time, though, don’t aim for the jaw.”

“I’ve never hit anyone before. Next time, I’ll aim for the gut.”

“There won’t be a next time!” I frown at Danny. “Will there?”

“Of course not, dear!”

We all laugh again. The waitress brings a round of drinks to the table. Lynne holds her hand out to Andy’s date and says hello. The girl ignores her.

Lynne looks at me. “Charming,” she mouths.

“I think they had a fight before we got here,” I reply.

Andy waves her hand dismissively. “So, Lynne, where is UPS girl?”

Lynne grins. “I think she got a little freaked out by the class last night.”

“What class?” Tim asks.

Leah leans back in her chair. “Lynne and I have been taking a sexual awareness class for women.”

“Oh my,” Erik says. “Too bad it’s just for women!”

Lynne laughs. “I don’t know if gay men would be the exception.”

“Anyway, last night we all brought vibrators and practiced finding our G-spots,” Leah adds.

“You so did not!” Steve is leaning forward in his chair, intrigued. “Did you find it?”

“Oh darling,” Leah rolls her eyes. “I knew where mine was years ago.”

Andy is grinning. “So, what happened? UPS girl didn’t like it?”

Lynne shrugs. “Well, I was having a little trouble and Sue was trying to help me and it just wasn’t working out, so Sheila came over and, um, worked on me a bit, and it happened.”

“Sheila is Dr. Ward,” Leah adds for the benefit of those not in the know. “She’s the one who runs the classes.”

Chuck drains his glass and signals our server. “So, you’re telling me that a bunch of women lie around in a room together, playing with vibrators and trying to have orgasms?”

Lynne nods. “Yep. Pretty much.”

“Wow,” he replies. “And I thought gay men were perverts.”

Danny dumps the wet napkin on the table and flexes his hand. “All better,” he says, smiling at me.

“It better be,” I whisper. “You’re going to need it tomorrow.”

“Are you sure you can’t come over tonight?”

“I’m sure.”

“Stop trying to tempt my daughter, Daniel!” Leah chimes in. “She is getting pierced with me tomorrow!”

“I’m not getting pierced. I’m going for moral support.”

“What are you getting pierced?” Erik asks.

“My nipples,” Leah responds.

“Awesome,” Chuck says. He lifts up his shirt to show off an entire chest tattoo and a silver barbells in each nipple. Leah leans forward. “Can I touch one?”

“Of course.”

She touches one of his piercings, gingerly. “Did it hurt?”

“Yep, but I like that.”

Tim laughs.

Leah looks thoughtful. “I hope it doesn’t hurt too much.”

“It isn’t too late to change your mind, Leah.” I smile at her. “But I’ll buy you an ice cream cone on the way home if you’re a good girl throughout the appointment.”

Everyone is having a great time. Danny is chatting happily with Andy. Apparently, they bonded over their mutual disgust of Joe. Either that, or Andy was impressed that Danny threw the first punch. Joe deserved it, don’t get me wrong. I just figured if anyone would punch him for calling Andy a dyke, it would be Andy.

I look across the table at Lynne. She looks perfectly happy, even though the UPS girl isn’t here. She and Leah keep looking at each other and laughing. I glance at Andy, catch her eye, and motion towards Leah and Lynne. Andy watches them for a few minutes, then turns to me with a smile and shrugs.

Andy’s date hasn’t said a word all night, she just sits there with her hand tapping the table, looking excessively pissed off. I motion towards her and again Andy smiles and shrugs. She doesn’t care. She’s having a good time. If Leah and Lynne are flirting, it doesn’t phase Andy. If Andy’s date is acting like a sullen bitch, that doesn’t phase her either. I put my hand on Danny’s thigh. His arm immediately goes around me and he leans in to kiss my cheek.

“Are you having a good time?” I whisper in his ear.

“Yes,” he whispers back. “I really like all of these people.” He faces me and grins.

“How’s your hand?”

He shows it to me and flexes his fingers. They’re a little red, but the swelling has gone down a lot.

“I think you’ll live.”

“Thank God. It would be really embarrassing to die from punching your asshole ex-boyfriend in the face.”

“Yeah, I’d have to tell people you went out saving school children from a burning building or something.”

“Just call me Pony Boy.”

I laugh. “Did you ever notice how homoerotic that movie was?”

He shakes his head. “I think you just have a thing for gay men.”

“I don’t think so!”

“It’s fine… you can have whatever fantasies you want. Just don’t expect me to watch gay porn with you or anything.”

I smack him on the arm. “Shut up!”

“Careful, I’m wounded.”

“Oh, poor baby.”

“You may have to nurse me back to health.”

“I might be a naughty nurse…”

“All right, all right, enough with the cooing and groping over there,” Steve interrupts. “The rest of us are old and boring. We don’t want to have to look at this young love bullshit.”

“Speak for yourself, Stevie,” Andy says. “I may be old, but I am definitely not boring.”

Leah starts singing, “All you need is love.”

Danny grins as he puts his arm around my shoulders. “Sorry, Steve. I know you’re just disappointed that I’m not gay.”

“A queen can hope,” Erik says.

We all laugh again.

Andy starts cajoling her date. “Come on, you’re being boring.”

The date studiously ignores her. Chuck is intrigued. “Is she allowed to talk?”

Andy gives him a look. “It isn’t that kind of relationship. She’s just pissy and acting like a teenager.”

The girl stands up suddenly. “Your friends are old. I want to go clubbing.” She stalks inside.

Old. Somehow it didn’t seem insulting when Steve said it. But this little bitch better watch herself. I look at Danny to share the laugh, but he has completely twisted around in his chair and it facing the wall behind us.

“Danny, are you okay?”

“I’m fine. I just need to leave now.”

“Are you sick.”

“Yeah, I don’t feel well. Let me give you some money and I’ll head out.”

“You don’t have to give me any money. If you’re sick though, let me take you home.”

“No, it’s fine. I’m just going to jump the wall here and head…”

“Danny. Danny Walker?”

I look up. There’s a short, thin, blond standing behind Steve.

Danny looks up. “Hey Kate.”

“Danny, so good to see you again. You’re looking very manly.”

“Kate, you have nothing to say here. Why don’t you move along?”

“Damn,” Chuck says, leaning back in his chair. “This is the day for irritating exes. I hope my ex-wife isn’t lurking around a corner somewhere.” He looks around, feigning terror.

Tim laughs. “I know! She’s scary!”

“And bigger than me,” Chuck adds.

Kate sniffs. “Danny is not my ex-boyfriend. I couldn’t handle that.” She looks pointedly down her nose at me. “Obviously you are way more open-minded than I am.”

Danny is on his feet now. “Kate, you need to leave now.”

“What? You haven’t told her yet? I saw you two across the room, you look pretty cozy.”

Andy stands up. “Little girl, I’m not sure what your problem is, but you need to leave. This is a private gathering.”

Kate looks Andy up and down with a sneer on her face. “Are you just really butch or are you a tranny like Danny?”

The table goes dead silent. Danny sits heavily back down in his chair. Kate raises her eyebrows. “As I expected, you hadn’t told her. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but freaks like that shouldn’t be allowed to fuck with regular people.”

Andy grabs her by the arm and pulls her in close. “Get the fuck away from this table or I will physically remove you from it.”

Kate gives Andy a snooty look and walks away, looking back once to glare at Danny. I haven’t said anything. I can’t say anything. I don’t know what to say. Danny is looking at me, I can feel his eyes on me, but I can’t lift my head. I’m staring at the table and I can’t move a muscle. Andy finally breaks the silence.

“Are you really transgendered?”

Danny clears his throat and answers in a hoarse voice. “I’m a female to male transsexual.”

“Wow,” Tim says. “So like, you have a vagina?”

I raise my head slightly. Danny looks stricken and horrified. Leah throws a lemon at Tim’s face. “That isn’t appropriate and it’s none of your business.”

“I’m just trying to understand,” Tim replies.

“Seriously,” Chuck says. “Like, are you a butch lesbian? Or a straight male? And what does that make Davey?”

Danny looks down at the table. “I’m a straight man.”

“Well, but you’re not really a man,” Lynne says. “You don’t have a dick.”

“What if a man had his penis shot off in a war?” Leah asks. “Would he still be a man?”

“That’s different, Leah,” Lynne says.

“It isn’t,” Leah insists.

“Please. A woman can’t become a man. It’s biologically impossible. Seriously, Danny, I mean, do you have a working penis?” Chuck is curious.

Danny opens his mouth, but nothing comes out.

Leah jumps in. “Again, why the hell is the penis the only thing that makes someone a man?”

Tim turns to look at her. “It isn’t the only thing. There are testicles, too. Do you have those, Danny?”

Lynne looks at me. “And you obviously didn’t bother to tell Davey that you’re a freak.”

Andy looks at Lynne. “Lynne, it is not like you to be deliberately cruel,” she says softly.

“I think I have a right. FTMs are a slap in the face to real women. They are basically taking their femininity and throwing it away. And he played Davey for a fool, pretending to be a real man!”

“Lynne, you should be ashamed. You’re a lesbian. How can you be scornful of other gender queers?” Steve is incensed.

I am trying to speak. I want to defend Danny, but I still can’t make myself move. I want to touch Danny’s face, I want to smooth out that fear, but I feel as if a weight is sitting on my chest and I can’t speak. All I can do is look at him and I don’t know what to say.

Danny blinks several times, looking down at the table. Erik reaches across the table and puts a hand over Danny’s. “Sorry, Danny. I’m sorry you were outed like that.”

“We’re not being assholes,” Tim says. “We’re trying to understand.”

Erik glares at him. “You’re all being assholes.”

“Have you always thought you were a man, Danny?” Chuck asks.

“Did you play with trucks when you were a kid?” Tim wants to know.

“How do you have sex?” Lynne says.

“Are you wearing a strap-on right now?” Chuck adds.

“Stop it.” My voice is coming from far away. I feel dizzy, but I try again. “Stop it!”

Danny blinks once and a tear rolls down his face. Lynne scoffs. “Must be the hormones,” she says.

I move my hand toward Danny, but Leah scares everyone by slamming her hand down on the table.

“I am bitterly ashamed of you, Lynne.”

Lynne opens her mouth, but Leah speaks over her.

“You are a lesbian. You are considered fringe by people who want everyone in the world to be the same. You know what it’s like to be outcast and discriminated against because of something that you cannot help!”

Lynne looks outraged. “I haven’t turned my back on my own gender! I haven’t said to the world that I hate women enough that I refuse to be one!”

“That is not the case, Lynne,” Steve jumps in. “You don’t know anything about it.”

“I know enough to know that Davey will now get the joy of being a lesbian while still enjoying the fruits of hetero privilege!”

I’m on my feet. I don’t know what I want to say, because when I open my mouth, nothing comes out.

Danny stands up. “If you all want to continue discussing my private life, I’ll just go ahead and leave.” He looks at me, his face immeasurably sad. “Davey, please come with me.”

I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to handle this. I’m shocked beyond belief and I don’t know where we are going to go from here, but when I look into those incredibly blue, incredibly sad eyes, I know I can’t walk away from him, not here, not in front of all of these people. I can’t put him through that. I still can’t speak, so I reach out and take his hand.

Chapter Fifteen

I’m staring at the ceiling. Danny is breathing next to me. I think he’s finally asleep. I’m wrapped in his arms, staring at his beautiful face. I know I’m searching for femininity in his features and I know how unfair that is.

When we got back to his house last night, he just took me in his arms and all I could do was hold him while he cried. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t fair to him to be outed like that. I want to kill that little bitch from the bar. I know he was going to tell me. In fact, thinking back, I’m pretty sure he was about to tell me last night when Sarah busted in. And I know how hard it is. I am in a singular position to understand why Danny didn’t tell me earlier. I heard all about that bitch from the bar. He went on two dates with her, they seemed to be getting along pretty well. She’s openly bisexual, so he thought she would be more open-minded. Unfortunately, when he told her, she went crazy, screaming at him about how he is a freak of nature. I can imagine how badly it hurt. And I can understand waiting until he knew me well enough to know that I wouldn’t react like that. I just hate that it had to happen the way it did. To be fair, even if he had been able to tell me before, that scene might have played out exactly the same, as he was outed to my friends and family. But at least I wouldn’t have been in shock. I would have been able to stand up for him.

So, we got back last night and after we held each other for a while, we decided to get into our jammies. Danny asked me if I wanted to see him and I said I didn’t want him to feel like a specimen. I thought it would be better to wait until it happened naturally. So we took turns in the bathroom, as usual. I put on some sweats and The Clash concert t-shirt from earlier. We curled up into the big armchair and he asked if I had any questions.

I guess I hadn’t really said anything up to that point. I was still in shock. Part of me was heartbroken over the pain that Danny was going through. Part of me was wondering what the hell I was going to do.

I didn’t know where to start. I mean, I don’t know if I even had questions at that point. As usual, in true Danny fashion, he made things easier for me by just telling me what he thought I might want to know.

“So, I started taking testosterone several years before my first surgery. I thought maybe that would take care of it. I didn’t really know much, or anything, about transitioning at that point. I mean, I always dressed as a boy when I was small. I told my mother I wanted to be a boy when I was three years old. Fortunately, she was a free spirit and an artist and we lived in a community of outcasts. So, when I started dressing as a boy and telling people I was a boy, no one really said anything about it.”

“Did they start calling you Danny then?” I had asked.

Danny laughed. “No, my name was actually Cynthia. I didn’t want to be some variation on that. Everyone just kept calling me Cynthia, but I wanted a boy’s name, so my mother told me I could pick a name, any name I wanted and she would call me that. I think Leah and my mother would have been good friends.”

I had nodded, smiling. I could see that.

“Anyway,” he continued, “I liked the name Daniel for some reason. And we had a dog named Edward. So, I told my mother that from then on, my name was Daniel Edward Walker. To her credit, she perfectly accepted it, only she called me Danny. So, that was my name forever after.”

“Did you ever regret it?” I was curious. “Did you ever wish you had chosen a different name?”

“No. My mother liked it and it has grown on me. It definitely suits me more than Cynthia.”

Cynthia. I can’t wrap my mind around it, even now. And last night, I definitely wasn’t prepared to think too deeply about the whole situation. “So, when your mother died…”

“I was forced into pretending to be a girl. My stepmother bought me dresses and my father made me wear them. I was supposed to be a model child. Unfortunately, after so many years of living free as a boy, I looked like a boy in a dress. I couldn’t pull it off. And I was always dirty, always climbing a tree, at least in the summer. I missed my New Mexico weather almost as much as I missed my mother.”

“I can’t imagine what that must have been like for you.”

“It was horrendous. But, when I was fifteen, I met a group of lesbians who published an alternative paper up there. I started writing for them. And for the first time, I felt as if I had almost found a community. I couldn’t be a boy, but I could be a dyke. So, I came out as a lesbian and started dressing like a butch.”

I remember nodding my head. I don’t think I spoke at that point.

“It was easier after that. My father was horrified, but I was older by then and there wasn’t much he could do. We just kind of stayed out of each other’s way for the next few years until I could move out of the house. As I told you before, I traveled some, took some odd jobs until I could support myself with my writing. Eventually, through my ties in the various gay communities, I met other trans people. It was the first time I put a name to what I was. But as soon as I knew, I really knew. There was no going back at that point.”

He had stopped then to look at me. “Davey, are you still with me.”

“Yes,” I whispered against his neck. “I’m still here.”

“Am I scaring you?”

“No, I want you to tell me.”

“If I tell you too much at once, stop me, please. I don’t want to … I don’t know. I don’t want to freak you out.”

“I’m okay.”

“I started researching my options. They weren’t great. They still aren’t. I eventually had breast removal surgery. There is some small scaring, but it was many years ago. I had to have a revision a couple years later, but now, I think my chest looks really natural. I mean, I don’t pump up a lot or anything, but I do pushups and some light free weight exercises every other day. So, you know. I’m not Captain America, but I look all right.”

I nodded against his neck again, rubbing my hand over his chest. It certainly felt like a male chest. He asked me if I wanted to see and I said yes, so he took off his tie, and unbuttoned his shirt. I ran my hands over it.

“I expected to see a lot of scaring.”

He shook his head. “I had small breasts to begin with, so I just had a keyhole surgery. It went really well. I mean, it’s still major surgery. Thank God I had a friend to help me with the drains and all, but… Well, anyway, I was pleased with the result.” He paused for a few minutes, while I just sat there, taking it in. “Davey? Are you still with me?”

I lifted my head up and kissed him gently on the mouth. “Still here.”

He pulled me in tighter and continued. “That was pretty much it. There really aren’t any great options for bottom surgery for FTM’s, unfortunately. I mean, there are some options, but I really don’t like any of them. I think I’m waiting for the day when they can attach a fully functioning 8 inch penis that gets erect on demand.”

I laughed a little. “Danny, I don’t want to be insensitive, but if you and I had sex, what … or how would we…”

He interrupted. “Um, taking testosterone enlarged my clitoris. So, that’s kind of like my penis now. It kind of … uh, well, you could, um, manipulate it, for lack of better word, the way I would yours, and I can reach orgasm that way. And of course, for you, you know, I can go down on you or use my fingers or I have a strap-on … of course, if you don’t like it, I could buy a different one.. Bigger or smaller or, I don’t know, more or less curved or a different material. I mean, the important thing would be that you liked it, so whatever we needed to do…” He trailed off. “I’m talking too much.”

“It’s just… Do you want me to… I don’t know … penetrate you?”

“No. No. No. Did I say ‘no’? No. I mean, yeah, technically that’s still there and all, because of … you know, whatever reasons, but yeah. No. I just prefer if we kind of pretend it’s not there.”

“But would I go down on you?”

“Yeah, yeah… I mean, you could. You don’t have to. You don’t have to do anything. We’ll work it out as we go along. We’re just kind of in new territory here. I had girlfriends as a lesbian, but I really haven’t been that close to someone since I started transitioning, so this is all kind of new to me, too. Plus, you know, we can get a dildo that, um, gives me sensation against my, um, penis, while pleasuring you, too.”

“I see.”

“Think of it this way. How many boyfriends have you had who offered to buy a new penis if you didn’t like the one they had?” He laughed nervously.

I drag my thoughts back to the here and now. Danny is still sleeping next to me. I can’t stop looking at his face. I felt his pain when we were talking last night, and I feel it now. Here’s the thing. I still love him. I still think he is the most wonderful person I have ever met. I still love his beautiful face and his intelligence and his sense of humor. I love his smile and the way he drives and the way he treats me like a lady, even when I’m not acting like one. But I don’t think I can do this. I don’t think I can live with him. I don’t think I am brave enough or wise enough or whatever it is I need to be in order to be the girlfriend of a transman. I can’t do it.

I crawl quietly out of bed and retrieve my clothes. I pack up my shower supplies and start some coffee. I’m on my second cup when Danny appears.

“Hey, love,” he says, smiling.

I look up at him. “Do you want a cup of coffee?”

He shakes his head. “No. Do you want to talk?” He looks down, notices my overnight bag at my feet. “Davey?”

“Could you drive me home? Please?”

He bows his head, then looks into my eyes. “I’ll drive you home. But I want you to know that this sucks. This really sucks. I love you and I know you love me.”

I nod. “I do love you.”

At the car, he opens my door for me, as usual, and takes my bag around to the other side. He doesn’t speak to me as we drive back towards Westlake. When we’re within a couple minutes of my house, I turn to look at him. His eyes are bright with tears, but he hasn’t let any escape. I can feel my own tears starting to slide down my face. “Danny?”

“Don’t. Just don’t. I want to make this easy for you. I promised I would take care of you and I’m not going to make you feel worse right now than I know you do. But don’t.”

I look out the window, trying to hold in the tears. Danny finally reaches over and takes my hand, lifting my wrist to his mouth and kissing it. He pulls into the parking lot and stops near my apartment.

“Hang on,” he says, and comes around to open my door.

I look up at him as I get out of the car. “I’m sorry. Danny, I’m sorry.”

He looks away, then looks back at me. “Davey, it’s people like you that make it so hard for people like me.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say but sorry.”

He looks away. “You’re liberal. You have a crazy mother. Your best friends are lesbians. You even work in an LGBT center. Yet, you’re repulsed by me. Imagine then, how those ignorant rednecks feel about me.” His voice is rising. “If someone as open-minded as you can’t stand to be with me, imagine for a second the revulsion that goes through one of those ignorant, violent, assholes who beat up, rape, and kill transsexuals! Imagine that. Imagine how much we disgust people. Imagine how I feel knowing that even a woman who loves me, who admittedly loves me, who professes to adore me, can’t stand the idea of making love with me. Imagine that, Davey!”

We’re both openly sobbing. “Danny, I’m sorry. I don’t find you disgusting, it isn’t that. Please…” I reach out to touch his face, to hold him, to do something to take his pain, but he spins out of my reach. “Thank you for the short time we did have, Davey. I don’t regret that part.”

I stand in the parking lot crying until I hear the door open. “Davey, come inside,” my mother says.

I run to the door and throw myself into my mother’s arms, sobbing. “I hate this, I hate this.”

She rocks me for a few minutes, then says, “Let me make you a cup of tea.”

I look up. Lynne is standing in the entryway to the kitchen. “You need to get out of my house right now!” I yell, advancing on her. “How dare you? How dare you still be here!”

“Davey, please, please listen to me. I know I was wrong the way I treated Danny, I was just so shocked.”

“You were shocked? You were shocked! What the fuck does Danny’s gender have to do with you?”

“It’s just that transsexuals are such an affront to lesbians and feminists.”

“What?”

“Davey, listen. A woman who has enough self-hatred that she turns her back on her entire gender just to be accepted into the boy’s club is a slap in the face to all women.”

“Lynne, that is a limited view. That isn’t Danny. It might be true for some transmen, just like there are some lesbians who hate themselves and wish that they weren’t gay. Not true for the majority!”

She paces back and forth across the room. “You don’t understand. Most FTM’s are lesbian women who decide that they would rather be men. They are turning their back on their own genders to fall right into male privilege.”

I march into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water. Leah is sitting at the table, drinking tea. “I thought you were bringing me a cup.”

She shakes her head. “I thought you two needed to have this out.”

I storm back into the living room and flop onto the couch. “You didn’t chose to be gay. It was inside of you. It’s just there. Could you decide to be straight, to access straight privilege?”

“No, I couldn’t. And that’s just it. I was born a woman and I was born gay. If I chose to become straight, just because I hate being gay, then I am turning my back, not only on myself, but on every lesbian who lives a true life.”

“Danny knew he was a boy at the age of three. Are you telling me that was some desire to turn his back on the empowerment of women? With his feminist, artistic mother?”

“It’s bullshit. She should have been a butch lesbian. Sure, she has male energy, but she has a female body. She could have been a big butch like Andy.”

“Andy is a woman. She is a strong woman. Danny knew he was supposed to be a man. He has male energy because he is a male.”

“She’s a fad. They all are. There’s a big move lately of these self-hating dykes to become men. And when it’s all over and there is a new fad, then they’ll be left hating their deformed, freakish bodies and they will have no way to go back.”

“Lynne.” I put my head down in my hands. “I can’t believe I’m hearing this from you. I can’t believe I’ve known you for this long and I never knew you felt this way.”

“You never needed to because we never had any trannies in our lives.”

I can’t stand this anymore. I have to get out of here. My heart is broken, my life is ruined, and I have to stand here arguing with someone I thought was a good friend. I turn around at the front door to look back at Lynne.

“I want you and your stuff out of here by the time I get back.”

I’m on the cell before I even hit the street. I’m crying again.

“Andy.”

“Davey-baby, where are you?”

“Walking from my place to yours.”

“I’ll meet you halfway.”

I’m already walking faster as I hang up the phone. When I see Andy come around the corner, I break into a run. She does, too, and within a couple of minutes, I am flinging myself into her arms. She picks me up and wraps me into a hug, letting my cry all over her shirt. I’m having trouble breathing, hiccupping and coughing as I try to speak.

“Lynne, she’s so cruel … and Danny, I don’t think I can do it! I told Lynne to leave the apartment,. I love him, Andy, I love him —but I don’t think I can do it.”

She holds me for a few minutes, letting me cry. “Come on, sweetie, let’s get back to my place where we don’t have to worry about Mr. and Mrs. Suburbia staring out their windows.”

I laugh, rubbing my eyes with my hands. Andy takes my hand and we walk back to her place.

“Want a beer?” she asks as I lean back on the couch.

“Yes. Or maybe a shot.”

“I’ll make you a cocktail”

I listen to her rummaging around in the kitchen for a while. “Andy?”

“Yes, Davey-baby?”

“Do you think Danny is anti-woman?”

“Not at all. He adores you. Besides, he punched Jackass Joe for calling me a dyke.”

“True. So maybe he’s anti-douchebag.”

“He’s anti anyone who upsets you.”

“Andy, I love him.”

“I know. What are you going to do?”

“I can’t. I just can’t. I thought about it and I can’t. There’s too much to deal with. I can’t do it.”

She comes back into the living room, puts my drink on the table, and lies down next to me on the couch. I curl into her and rest my head on her shoulder.

“I feel like an asshole. All of the work I do with transgendered kids, and when it comes to my own boyfriend, I can’t handle it.”

“There’s nothing to be ashamed of. It is a strange situation. You’re a straight woman. He is emotional and mentally a guy, but his body is female. Or not even female, but something in between. I can see why that would be hard to accept.”

“It doesn’t mean we can’t be friends, but I don’t think I can date him.”

“Whatever you need, Davey-baby. You know I’ll support you whatever you choose.” She pulls me in a little closer. “I have to admit that I always figured if you fell for a woman, it would be me.”

“Well, Andy, he isn’t a wom…” She stops me by pressing her mouth against mine. Shocked, I go completely still, letting her kiss me for a moment, then sink into the kiss. Her tongue finds mine, my arms curl around her neck. We kiss deeply for a few moments, before I pull back and look into her eyes.

“Andy, this isn’t us. This isn’t right.”

“Davey, I’ve loved you for over thirty years. I could take good care of you.”

I sit up, taking her hand. “You take good care of me anyway.”

She sits up, too, sighing. “Davey, I’m in love with you. You’re an amazing, beautiful woman and I’m a lonely old dyke.”

“Are you really lonely?”

“No, but I would be if I didn’t have you.”

“Andy, look at me.” She looks up. She’s the same old Andy I’ve always known. My best friend, my protector. I would kill or die for her. I think I would even marry her if that was what it took to keep her happy. But I’m not gay. “Andy, be honest. Do you really think you’re in love with me? Do you really think that marrying me and being in a committed, monogamous relationship with me is what it will take to make you happy?”

She sighs. “Davey, I told you, I’ve loved you for thirty years. Am I in love with you? I don’t know. I don’t think there is much of a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. I think it’s a conscious choice. And we could choose to be together.”

I look at her from under arched eyebrows. “So, I would be choosing to be gay?”

“Ah, I guess.”

“Andy. Is this about me? Or is this about being a forty year old woman who thinks it’s time to start settling down?”

She laughs and leans back against the couch, pulling me with her. “I guess it’s about the fact that none of the women I have ever dated have meant as much to me as you do. I love you more than anyone I’ve ever met. We get along, we know each other inside and out. And I am getting old. And this thing with Danny had me really worried. You’re in love with him. What if you decided to marry him? Our relationship would never be the same. You’d be spending all of your time with him, becoming a wife, forgetting about your old friend. We’d never have movie nights anymore, you’d never just show up at my house after a bad date to devour all of the ice cream in my house.”

I put my hand on her head and gently pull her closer so I can kiss her forehead. “So, this isn’t about wanting to marry me at all. This is about not wanting things to change between us.”

She shifts and rests her head on my shoulder. “I guess.”

“Well, Andy, things would change pretty majorly if we decided to get married to each other.”

“I know,” she sighs. “But at least I wouldn’t have to worry about losing you.”

“You never have to worry about losing me. Not ever in life.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

“Okay. Sorry I kissed you.”

“I’m not. You’re a great kisser.”

“Yeah, that’s true.”

Chapter Sixteen

Lynne is sitting on the couch, looking terrified when I get in. I glare at her. “I thought I told you to leave before I got back.”

Leah comes running out of the kitchen. “Baby girl, please give her a chance. We’ve had a talk and I think Lynne owes you an apology. But give her a chance. Please?”

I sit down heavily in a chair, crossing my arms over my chest. “Well?”

“There is no excuse for how I treated Danny. Regardless of my feelings about transmen, I was deliberately cruel to someone who is very important to you, and I’m sorry.”

I nod, unsmiling. “That’s very big of you. Doesn’t change the fact that you and Tim and Chuck attacked Danny.”

“I know. Leah has been yelling at me for hours.”

I glance up at Leah who is still standing in the doorway. She nods.

“I guess I just don’t understand why he makes you so angry.”

“It’s just that it seems to me that women who become men are basically saying that being a woman sucks. I respect women like Andy, or even Sarah, because they are strong, capable women who do not fit into the standard package of what is considered a woman. So, by being butch, they are basically flipping off those who want to lump all women into some neat little category. A butch who takes it past that — into transitioning — is jumping on to the other side of the fence. Instead of being queer, they are putting themselves squarely into the enemy camp.”

“Men aren’t the enemy.”

“They are. Men and women who hate women. They’re the reason why fat women are considered ugly, or why butch women are considered freaks. They’re the reason women who want to be sexually active and in charge of their own lives are considered sluts. You would never hear a man calling another man a slut, just because he likes sex.”

“You’re generalizing. You’re putting every man into the same group. You’re assuming that every man is anti-woman on some level.”

“I’m not saying there aren’t exceptions. But for the most part, men want women to be what they consider feminine. They want a petite, pretty, soft-spoken girl who can cook and keep the house clean and only get fat when she’s pregnant with his kids.”

“I think you’re living in the past. I think women have been fighting for, and getting, the equality that we deserve. But that isn’t the point here. The point here is that if someone is born in the wrong body, they now have options to try to correct that.”

“Not great options.”

“Not great at all.”

“So she…”

I clear my throat and glare at her.

“So he is left with a deformed body that isn’t truly female or truly male.”

“That’s in your opinion, Lynne.” I look up at Leah. She’s smiling at me, though she has tears in her eyes. “Danny isn’t deformed. And if he is, it doesn’t change his heart. He’s a good person, he doesn’t deserve to be treated like shit.”

“I know. I know I was striking out, possibly from my own ignorance. I promise to try to change, but please let me stay for a while longer until I figure out what I’m going to do.”

I sit back and think for a minute. “You can stay under one condition.”

“What’s that?”

“The Trans support group at our center needs volunteers. I’ll give you Kerri Martin’s number over there and you can connect with her. You might end up learning a thing or two.”

“I will. But how about you? You seem to be so concerned about Danny, and so compassionate and understanding about transsexualism — how come you and Danny aren’t still together?”

I look at the ground and sigh. “That’s my own failing, not Danny’s. I understand that he is a man, I understand that he didn’t ask for this. But in my heart of hearts, I know that I cannot handle the things I know I will need to handle to be involved with a transman. And I’m sorry about that, because I know I hurt him. And I hurt myself as well.”

I go into the bedroom, take off my clothes and crawl into bed. I just want to sleep away the rest of my life. My mother comes in once to bring me a cup of tea, but I don’t want to talk. I just want to lie in bed and be miserable. I can’t believe I finally met a wonderful man — and he’s a woman. More than that, I can’t believe I finally met a wonderful man and, in my head, I believe and trust that he is really a man —but when I think about being with him, all I can think about is the fact that he really is biologically female. And I just can’t do that.

I stay in bed for pretty much the rest of my weekend. Leah brings me tea a few times, I get up and eat homemade vegetable soup a couple of times. Mostly, I’m just here, wrapped up in my blankets, staring at the ceiling. I think Leah is sleeping on the couch. I’m not sure where Lynne went. Maybe she is sleeping at the UPS girl’s house. This is what it felt like when Joe cheated on me, only worse. Because somewhere deep down inside, when I found out about Joe, I had a little spark of relief as well. I knew he was a jerk, and though I thought I was in love, I was kind of happy that it ended. Danny is not a jerk, I am in love with him, and it’s my fault that is has ended.

When Tuesday finally comes, Leah yanks the covers off of me. “Get up, get out of bed.”

“Go away, call Ron, tell him I’m sick.”

“No. You need to get up and go to work. You can’t stay in bed for the rest of your life.”

“Not the rest of my life, just the rest of the week.”

“Think about Danny, who is grieving by himself, without close friends or a loving mother to help him through it.”

I blink up at her. “That’s not fair.”

“No, but it’s true. Who do you think is making tea for Danny?”

I grudgingly sit up. “Probably no one.”

“I went to see him.”

“You did?”

She smiles and rubs my head. “I was worried about him. I just wanted to make sure he wasn’t going to do something stupid like kill himself.”

“Is he all right?”

“No. But he will be. And so will you.”

“Leah? I hate that I hurt him.”

“I know you do, sweetheart.”

“I guess I’m lucky to have you and Andy.”

Leah nods. “You are. Now get up and get ready for work. I have coffee brewing.”

I drag myself through a shower and throw on some clothes. Leah presses a bag of muffins and a plastic cup of coffee into my hands. I kiss her and head to work.

Steve and Erik are both in when I get there. Steve stands up and approaches gingerly. “Are you all right?”

I nod, looking away. I wander over to my desk and turn on my computer.

“There are muffins in the bag,” I say, gesturing towards the corner of my desk. Steve leans against the edge of his desk, looking at me. Erik walks over and picks up the bag.

“Has Leah been baking?”

I shrug. Erik takes out a muffin. “Oh, apple cinnamon. My favorite.”

“Cinnamon is supposed to be an aphrodisiac for men,” Steve says.

I continue to ignore them. I really don’t want to do this today. Leah brought up a great point. Who makes tea for Danny? I hate that I hurt him. I hate that I can’t handle it. I want to call him and tell him I’ve changed my mind, but I haven’t.

“Davey,” Steve says gently. “I want you to know that Erik and I were appalled at the treatment Danny got from our friends the other night.”

Erik raises his hands. “We didn’t know. We had no idea. But it doesn’t matter. The only person whose gender or orientation matters to me is Steve.”

“That’s what Danny said.” I pause, then grin. “Well, he said it about me, not Steve.”

Steve snaps his fingers. “Darn, so close!”

Erik smiles. “He really is adorable. And you care about him so much.”

“Would you still be in love with Steve if he had a female body?”

“Honestly, I don’t know. I don’t know if we would have gotten together or not. But knowing him the way I do now, I would have been worse off for not loving Steve, regardless of whether or not he had a penis.”

“I do love him. I do. If there was any way possible for me to be with him, I would. But I can’t. I can’t get around it. I can’t do it.”

Erik nods. “Well, whatever you need to do.”

Steve looks away. “It’s bullshit. Most people never find true love. You found it and you’re throwing it away.”

Erik motions to him and he walks away. I spend the rest of the morning ignoring both of them and burying myself in paperwork.

The guys both leave for lunch and I heave a sigh of relief. Erik is being understanding, Steve is not. Either way, I don’t want to talk about it. I reach for the bag of muffins. Add a cup of coffee and I’ve got myself a fantastic lunch. I’m working on a report of charitable contributions from large corporations when Ron sticks his head in.

“Guys at lunch?”

“Yep.”

He sits down on the corner of my desk. “You all right?”

“Yep.”

“It’s just if something is wrong…”

“Ron, I’m kind of in the middle of this report.”

“Fine, fine. I just wanted to let you know that you can take a couple of days if you need it.”

“I don’t. Thank you for offering. But the benefit is coming up in a couple of weeks and we need to be ready.”

“True, though I think most of it is out of your hands at this point.”

“I can still solicit donations. I can still send out emails. I can still have lunch with corporate sponsors. I can still…”

“All right. I get it. I’m not saying you don’t have things to do. I’m just letting you know that the offer is there.”

I nod. “Thanks, Ron.”

“You and Danny broke up?”

“We’re not seeing each other anymore.”

He pats my shoulder. “What time can I expect to see that report?”

“I’ll email it to you before the end of the day.”

“Good, good.”

I watch him leave the office. In a weird way, I know he was trying to help. I dig back into the report until the guys get back. Steve brings a bag over and sets it on my desk.

“Polly’s grilled cheese,” he says. “I thought it would help.”

“It will.”

“I’m sorry I went off on you. I know you’re hurting, too.”

“Thanks, Steve. And thanks for the sandwich.”

This is truly the world’s best grilled cheese sandwich. I’m almost feeling human again by the time I finish it. I dive back into my report and finish it by three. Steve and Erik and I huddle together with the ticket list, preparing to do a last push of sales. Orders are still trickling in by email and phone. We’re almost at capacity as it is. Thinking about the benefit is painful, though. I had been looking forward to seeing Danny in a tux.

By the time I get home from work, I’m ready to crawl back into bed, but Lynne and Leah are in the living room, waiting for me.

“Davey, I called your friend Kerri Martin today,” Lynne says.

“Ah. And?”

“I’m going this weekend to the support group to meet everyone and figure out where they need volunteers.”

“That’s cool. Thank you for doing that.”

“No problem. She was really nice. She spoke highly of you.”

“She’s a cool lady. You’ll have fun working with her.” I turn to my mother.

“And how was your day, Leah?”

“It was fine, darling. I went and looked at apartments today?”

“Apartments? Are you moving out?”

“No, but I thought it might be time to look for a bigger apartment. Or even a house.”

“Leah, you don’t have any money. And I certainly can’t afford to rent a bigger place.”

“I certainly do have money. I have the money that Jared Banks left me when he died.”

“I’ve never even heard of Jared Banks!”

“He was one of my lovers. He left me some money. Not a lot of money, but some. I live on it when I’m between jobs, or between houses.”

“Like now?”

“Anyway,” Leah continues, “with Lynne sharing the rent…”

“No. Lynne is not going to be living with me much longer. We are not getting an apartment together.”

“But if we got an apartment that was big enough for all of us, things wouldn’t be so tense,” Lynne says.

“Things are tense because I am a private person who lives alone in a one-bedroom apartment and I have two extra people and a cat living with me!” I pause as someone knocks on the door. “And who the fuck is at the door?”

Leah opens the door and admits Sarah. We all look at each other, stunned. I open my mouth to tell her to get out, but she preempts me. “Davey, I owe you an apology for interrupting your evening the other night.”

I nod.

“I was just really upset and pretty drunk. I’m sorry.”

“All right.”

Lynne stands up. “Sarah, what are you doing here?”

Sarah looks calmly at Lynne. “I just want to talk. I just want to have a real talk with you, without accusations or hard feelings.”

Lynne nods. “I guess we can go for a walk.”

Sarah smiles. “I would like that.”

I look at Leah who winks at me.

After they leave, Leah and I sit down on the couch and put our feet up on the coffee table.

“Have you given any more thought to what you’re going to do about Danny?”

“Leah, I’m not going to do anything about him. That’s over. Now I need to move on.”

She nods. “All right, sweetheart.”

We sit quietly on the couch for a while.

“Leah, are you ever going to call Gram and Gramps?”

She sighs. “They were always so disappointed in me. From the time I first learned to talk until I came home pregnant with you, they were so obviously disappointed. It was terrible.”

“You’re all grownups now and they’re your parents. You should at least go see them.”

“I guess. If I go over, will you come with me?”

“Yep. Want to go tonight?”

“Might as well get it over with.”

“We should have called. Maybe Gram would have dinner catered.”

Leah laughs. “Well, if we’re going to do this, let’s do it.”

“Leah,” I say, as we are heading out the door.

“Yes, sweetheart?”

“Let’s not tell them about Danny.”

She nods. “I love you, sweetheart.”

“Love you, too, Mom.”

Chapter Seventeen

“Get up!”

“What the fuck,” I mutter from under my pillow.

“Come on, get up. Get out of bed.”

I lift the pillow halfway off my face and open one eye. Andy is standing next to my bed looking determined.

“It’s Sunday. I sleep in on Sundays. Come back later.” The sun coming through the window is killing my head. I pull the pillow back over my head. I went out with Steve and Erik after work last night and spent the whole night downing vodka. I want to die.

“Forget it. You’ve been in mourning long enough. It’s time to rise and shine.”

“I have been rising and shining. Why do you people always attack me in my bed?”

She laughs and bounces into bed with me. “Have many lesbians been attacking you in your bed?”

“I meant you people as in you and my mother. What is it about me sleeping that inspires you to be so annoying?”

“Come on. This is getting ridiculous. You haven’t been returning my calls, you blew off girls’ night twice. I haven’t seen you in two weeks. I’m starting to get a complex.”

“I went out with the boys last night. I’m probably dying of a hangover. Let me sleep for a couple more hours, then I’ll wake up and talk to you.”

“Forget it. I’m not cutting you any slack. Besides, the only cure for a hangover is to sweat it all out and drink a lot of water to rehydrate.”

I roll over on my back and look at her. She’s wearing baggy cargo shorts and a tight muscle shirt. Her skin looks unbearably clean and healthy. It looks like she’s recently shaved her head, too. I feel a pang. I’m usually the one who takes the clippers to Andy’s noggin. For a moment, I think about how easy it would be to just decide to be with Andy. I know I’m not gay, but I do love her. I love her more than my own life. She loves me and she takes great care of me. Maybe I should just marry her. I would never be lonely; I would never have to worry about dating. And I would never have to worry about sharing a bed with my mother again. I could move in with Andy and leave the apartment to Lynne and Leah.

Andy rolls over to face me. She grins. “Stop checking me out, you’re making me feel self-conscious.”

“I was thinking about how easy it is to love you.”

“I’m pretty loveable.”

“Let me rub your fuzzy head.”

She lays her head on my chest and I rub my hand over the fuzz. “Sorry I didn’t shave it for you this time.”

“Ah, that’s okay. A buzz cut is pretty easy to manage on my own.”

“I won’t miss it next time, all right?”

“No problem. Now, are you going to get out of bed, or what?”

“I have been getting out of bed. I don’t know what Leah’s been telling you. I get out of bed. I go to work. I come home. I do chores. I go to bed.”

“Sounds thrilling.”

“Sometimes I read.”

“Wow.”

“Hey, I partied last night.”

“No you didn’t. You drank like a fish, then refused a ride home. You could have been killed.”

“I wasn’t that drunk.”

“Then you aren’t that hungover. Get up.”

“I’ve been working overtime, getting ready for the benefit.” I tug a piece of hair out of her head. “Missed one.”

“Thanks.” She pulls away a bit so she can look at me. “Speaking of the benefit, have you thought about your extra ticket?”

“I thought I would give it to you.”

“I bought one. What about Leah?”

“Lynne is giving hers to Leah.”

“Well, if Leah goes with you, Lynne can take Sarah.”

“Sarah?” I turn over on my side, fully awake now. “Why would she take Sarah?”

“If you did anything other than work and sleep, you would know. They’ve been dating these past couple of weeks. Nothing serious, they are on sensitive ground here. But it looks like Sarah has quit drinking and Lynne has stopped fucking the UPS girl.”

“I saw Sarah and Lynne together at the center on Saturday. I didn’t get a chance to ask them what they were doing there.”

“Sarah has been volunteering at the trans support group with Lynne.”

“Get out!”

“I’m dead serious. I guess they’re trying to find common interests.”

I laugh. “That’s a start.”

“Anyway, Lynne and Leah and I went to girls’ night on Thursday when you were apparently working too late to join us. I heard all about it.”

“Will Lynne still be going to sex class with Leah?”

“Yeah, I think there’s a couple more classes.” She pauses, then looks at me seriously. “Davey, Leah is really worried about you. She says you’re just drifting around in zombie mode.”

“Andy, that isn’t true. I’m fine. I’ve just been really, really busy.”

“Well, you’re not busy today, so you’re spending the day with me.”

“Fine, what are we doing?”

“We’re going out to find you a gown for the ball.”

I raise an eyebrow at her. “You are going to go shopping with me?”

“What? I can shop!”

“Andy, you buy your jeans in lots of ten so you don’t have to go back to the store for years.”

She throws her head back and laughs. “Well, for you, I will shop. I’ll even hold your purse.”

“What about Lynne and Leah?”

“They already have their dresses.”

“What are you wearing?”

“A tux.”

“You’ll probably look really hot.”

“I probably will.”

I look at her seriously. “I haven’t been a very good friend for the past couple of weeks.”

“You’ve been grieving. It’s time to rejoin the world now.”

“I guess.”

“I’ll make some coffee. You should get up and shower.”

“I bet I look pretty horrible.”

“You look pretty horrible.”

Andy is sitting at the table drinking coffee when I finish getting dressed.

“Where is everyone?”

She pushes a cup of coffee toward me. “Lynne went to the grocery store and Leah is at the farmer’s market with your grandmother.”

“The times they are a-changing.”

“I wouldn’t get too excited. Leah was pissed off the whole time she was getting ready.”

“We went over there last week and they argued the whole time.”

“That was two weeks ago, baby.”

“I keep losing time.”

“Anyway, I guess Gram called this morning and wanted Leah to drive her to the market, so she took your car and went over there.”

“It’s a start anyway.”

“Things are looking up all over.”

“Let’s go find a dress.”

We decide to go downtown and check out the small, locally owned shops. I hate going to the mall and avoid it at all costs. Besides, Andy promised to buy me a grilled cheese at Polly’s if I try on dresses without complaining. We grab a couple of smoothies from a juice bar and walk hand in hand down the street.

“So, have you talked to Danny?”

“No.” It still hurts to hear his name. “I haven’t. Leah went to see him a couple of times. She told me she brought him a casserole the other night, like someone died or something.”

“Does that bother you,” Andy looks at me carefully.

“No, it’s nice of her to do it. And he doesn’t have anyone else.”

“I called him.

I look up at her, surprised. “Really?”

“Yeah, I just called to see how he’s doing.”

“How’s he doing?”

“He’s sad, but getting better. He asked about you. He was upset that you were in hiding.”

“I wasn’t in hiding.”

“Whatever.”

We’re in the third store on the strip. I’ve tried on a bunch of dresses, but they all look horrible on me. My face looks puffy and my stomach looks fat. “I swear I’m the only woman on the face of the planet who gains weight from a broken heart.”

Andy grins. “You look fine. You’re just puffy from drinking so much last night. Lay off the booze for a day or so and you’ll be back to your normal, beautiful self.”

She holds up a dress. “Try this one.”

I catch my breath. It’s gorgeous. Cream colored, plunge front, pleated a bit around the waist to hide my stomach. It has a huge slit up one side. It’s silky and creamy and flowing and beautiful. I touch it. Oh my God, it’s so soft. I take it into the dressing room and pull it over my head.

“Andy,” I whisper.

She taps on the door. “Open up.”

“Andy, it’s … it’s amazing.”

“Well, open the damn door so I can see it.”

I open the door and step out, barefoot, into the store.

“Oh, Davey-baby, you look amazing.”

“Even with my puffy face?”

“Even with. That’s the one. Take it off and let’s have them wrap it.”

“Andy, I can’t.”

“You have to. It’s perfect. You look perfect.”

The saleslady creeps up and hands me a pair of shoes. “These go perfectly with that dress.”

I slip my feet into the heels and look in the mirror. I don’t know how it happened, but I look amazing. Even my face looks less puffy. The slit up the dress shows off one of my legs and the high heel makes it look perfect. I look back at Andy.

“It’s a beautiful dream. It’s a beautiful two-thousand dollar dream.”

“It’s on sale, I saw the sign. Ninety percent off. And I’m buying it.”

“It isn’t on sale and you can’t buy it. Let’s go back to the two hundred dollar range.”

“All right, well take it off before something happens to it, for Christ sake.”

I go back in the dressing room and stare at myself in the mirror. It’s a Cinderella moment. I take the dress off and slip out of the shoes with a sigh and hand them both to Andy. “I’ll be out in a second.”

I try on two other dresses, but neither of them are great. One fits pretty well, though, and I can probably make it work.

Andy is slouched in an armchair looking bored when I come out. I hold up the dress that fit pretty well. “I think this one would work.”

She wrinkles her nose. “Eh. Let’s go look a couple more places.”

We wander out and she asks if I want to go to Polly’s for lunch. Of course I do. I hate shopping. Any excuse to take a break is fine with me. I want to go back to the store and buy the blah dress just so we can stop shopping. We walk into Polly’s, wave at Bradley and take a seat near the windows.

“Davey, promise you won’t get mad.”

“What did you do?”

“I bought the dress.”

“What? The cream one?”

“I couldn’t help it. It was so perfect.”

“Andy, you shouldn’t have done that! There is no way I can ever pay you back!”

“Davey, if you added up all the times you paid for stuff because I didn’t have cash on me, or I didn’t have my wallet, I would owe you way more than two thousand dollars.”

“First of all, that’s bullshit. And second of all, that’s bullshit.”

She laughs. “You saved my life and I never repaid you.”

I look at her coldly. “When?”

“When we were seven. You threw your bike on that giant girl scout. She could have killed me.”

I’m in hysterics. “Oh yeah, you were in a lot of danger from those evil seven year-old girls!”

“They probably thought I was a boy. I think they wanted to rape me.”

“Stop it.” I throw a salt packet at her.

We’re interrupted by the waitress. “Hi sugar. What are you eating today?”

Andy smiles up at her. “Two grilled cheese sandwiches, please.”

The waitress winks at Andy. “No problem, handsome.”

I manage to control my laughter until she walks away. Andy smiles ruefully. “What can I say? Some people get it, some people don’t.”

“You don’t look at all like a man to me.”

“You’ve known me forever. Some people just don’t pay attention.”

I shake my head. “You’d think someone who works in place like Polly’s would be able to recognize a butch woman.” I pause to sip my drink. “And anyway, I’m sick of all of the waitresses here always flirting with my dates.”

Andy laughs. “If only they knew what a bruiser you are.”

“Back to the subject.”

“Oh God. Davey, let it go. I wanted to buy the dress for you. It looks perfect. You look amazing in that dress. You’ll be the belle of the ball. Please, please, please just leave it alone.”

I sigh. “All right. All right. Of course, this means we have to go shoe shopping now.”

“I bought the shoes, too.”

I open my mouth to answer, when I see Danny walking toward our table. Andy and I both stand up.

“Hey,” he says.

“Danny.” I’m drawn to his face, searching it for changes. He looks a little tired.

Andy holds out her hand. “Danny, it’s good to see you.”

He shakes her hand and smiles. “Thank you for the call.”

The waitress squeezes around us to put the food on the table. Andy motions to a chair. “Would you like to join us?”

Danny looks at me. I nod. “Please, join us if you’d like.”

“No, thank you. I just wanted to say hello. I don’t want to interrupt your meal.”

“Danny, you aren’t interrupting.”

He shakes his head. “Andy it was nice seeing you.” He looks back to me. “Be happy, Davey.”

I blink back a tear. “You too.”

I watch him walk away for a moment. “Andy, excuse me, I just need to…” I leave the table before I can finish my sentence. I chase Danny out onto the sidewalk and call his name. He turns around and smiles.

“Hey, sweetheart.”

“Danny. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I hurt you.”

“It’s fine, Davey. It’s fine. I’ve been hurt before. I’ll recover.”

I reach out and take his hand. He lifts my hand and kisses the inside of my wrist.

“I haven’t called you because I wanted to give you time to think.”

“I have. I’ve done nothing but think. I mean, and drink. I did a little drinking.”

He laughs. “Just so you know, I’m still in love with you. I still want to be with you. I think, maybe, we could work things out.”

“I’m sorry. I have thought about it, Danny. I’ve torn it apart, and I just can’t. I’m sorry. But it wouldn’t be fair to you for me to try to pretend.”

He looks down at our joined hands. “I see.”

“Danny.” My voice catches. I clear my throat and try again. “I do care about you, though. I loved spending time with you. Maybe, you know, if nothing else, we can be friends.”

We stand there for a minute, holding hands. He searches my face, then leans forward and kisses me lightly on the mouth.

“No, Davey. I don’t think we can be friends.”

I watch him walk away, then I go back into Polly’s. Andy looks up as I slide into my chair.

“You okay, Davey-baby?”

“I don’t think so. Andy, I was thinking earlier, you know how you asked me to be with you, you know, as a couple?”

She shakes her head. “It wouldn’t work.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’re looking at it from a rebound point of view. And while I would break almost any rule I have to be with you, because it’s you, I will not let you make a decision that will ultimately make you unhappy.”

“I don’t think I’d be unhappy. You know, there are a lot of good reasons that you and I would make a great couple.”

“There are. Unfortunately, the fact that you’re straight makes it a little difficult.”

“I could learn.”

“And I could learn to live in a hetero marriage if I absolutely had to. Would I be happy? No. Would I thrive? No. Would I hate myself a little more every day for trying to force myself into being something I’m not. Yes.”

I sigh and a tear rolls down my face. “I guess I’m destined to be alone.”

Andy reaches out and takes my hand. “You’re not alone. You’re never alone. But you can’t live a lie just because you think it will make things easier.”

I laugh a little. “Seems kind of funny that I’m considering living a lesbian lifestyle in order to make things easier.”

She grins. “Don’t tell that to the religious right.”

“Maybe I should call Ted the douche-bag.”

“Maybe you should lie low for a while and get your feet back under you.”

“You’re right. You’re right as usual.”

“Well, shopping is done and the dress will be delivered tomorrow. We are off the hook. What do you want to do next?”

“Watch movies and eat a crapload of ice cream.”

“Not a chance. Why don’t we change clothes and go on a hike through the Metroparks?”

“That sounds horrible.”

“Come on, getting some exercise will cheer you up. Besides, you need a little sun. You look like a ghost.”

“All right, fine. Just don’t lose me in the woods.”

“Never in life.”

Chapter Eighteen

“This stupid bow tie looks ridiculous on me.”

Andy is at my front door, looking incredible in her tuxedo. The jacket is fitted just enough in the waist to show off her slender physique. The pants are perfectly tailored, too.

“No it doesn’t. Come here and let me straighten it.” I step forward and straighten the tie. “Wow, you look amazing.”

“So do you. I love that dress on you.”

I spin around the give her the full effect. “And wait until you see Leah and Lynne.”

Sarah knocks on the door and walks in behind Andy.

“Hi, ladies.”

“Sarah. Good to see you.” Andy turns around and shakes her hand.

“Hi, Sarah.” I give her a brief hug. I can’t say that I’ve completely forgiven her for her drunken breakdown, but having just spent a couple of weeks in hell, I have to cut her some slack. I could imagine me falling into a drunken stupor. In fact, I did. A couple of times.

Girls’ night this past Thursday was pretty fun. We’ve opened the group to include Leah. She’s not a bad mother, but more important, she’s a great friend. She’s stood by me through all of this crap with Danny, and has never said a word in judgment against me. We went to Janie’s and I introduced my mother to all of the regulars. Of course, she was a hit. Watching her with all of those people, I think I finally figured out why Leah is so popular. She loves people. She really cares about them through all of their foibles and faults, through their mistakes and their successes. Leah believes that people are good and she wants good for them. I think people can sense this. I can’t believe it took me forty years to figure it out, but I love the hell out of her.

Sarah walks in and sits down. She has a corsage for Lynne. Andy looks startled. “Should I have brought you a corsage?”

“Are you crazy? You’re not sticking anything into a two thousand dollar dress!”

Sarah laughs. “So, I guess you’ll be avoiding the spaghetti tonight then?”

Leah walks into the room with a camera. Sarah and Andy both compliment her profusely. She does look amazing. She has braided her hair into this incredible puzzle of crisscrossing pieces. It looks like something from a Renaissance festival. She’s wearing a simple black one shoulder dress, with an attached cape. She looks phenomenal.

“Leah, you are gorgeous,” Andy says, kissing her on the cheek.

“You don’t look so bad yourself, Andy.” She turns to Sarah. “And you look gorgeous, too, Sarah.”

Sarah nods her head and smiles. She does look good, in a butch sort of way. She’s wearing a dark gray suit, with a silk shirt and a red tie. She looks very handsome.

So, yeah, Sarah and Lynne. Strange story. Apparently, they’ve decided to keep dating for a little while. Lynne is not going to move right back in, because she thinks living together is what ruined their sex life. She’s been staying here and she and Sarah see each other a couple times a week. I was not thrilled when I found out, but I guess I can deal with the crowd for a while longer. Besides, it’s not like I’m getting any. Christ, my mother has had sex more recently than I have. To be fair, I’m really not looking for it right now. Andy was right. I need to take a break for a while. Falling in love and losing that love, for whatever reason, is hard on a person’s psyche. I need to regroup. Lynne offered to set me up with a guy she knows, but considering how much time she and Sarah have been spending with the trans support group, I don’t think it’s a very good idea.

Andy puts her finger under her tie and runs it around. “This thing is suffocating me. You tied it too tight.”

“Let me see. It’s fine. Stop whining.”

Leah laughs, delighted. “This reminds me of prom night.”

Sarah looks at Leah. “Prom night? Did these two go to prom together?”

“Well, Davey and the boy she was seeing at the time had just broken up.”

“Wait a second. Let’s tell the whole story. Kevin Newton broke up with me one week before prom because that bitch head cheerleader asked him to go. And the only reason she asked him was because she hated me!”

“Not that you’re still bitter twenty-two years later,” Andy says, grinning.

“Anyway, Davey was distraught. So Andy said that she would take her.”

Sarah smiles. “How did that go over?”

“Not well, as you can imagine. Andy had long hair back then, even though she was a big jock. But she cut her hair into a boy’s hairstyle, bought a suit and took Davey to the prom.”

“She looked very dashing,” I add.

“So what happened?” Sarah asks.

“They got to the prom and the principal sent them home.”

“What? Did you guys sue?”

“No way. You know how it was back then. We were already outcast for being lesbians. Or, to be exact, for me being a lesbian and Davey being an alleged lesbian.”

“So that was it?”

“No, we went back to Gram and Gramp’s house. Leah brought down her record player and a bunch of records and played music for us. We danced for hours.”

“I had forgotten about that,” I said. I glance at Leah, tears shining in my eyes. “I don’t think I appreciated you enough.”

“Don’t cry, darling, you’ll ruin your makeup.” She gives me a kiss and pushes a strand of hair out of my eyes. “I always loved you. From the moment you were born. You were and remain the best thing that ever happened to me.”

Andy wipes her eye. “Andrea Eriksson,” I say, amazed. “Are you crying?”

“Of course not. I had something in my eye.”

“Of course.”

“You know, you have to hand it to Gram and Gramps, too. They let a known homosexual move into their house.”

“Andy, you make it sound so horrible. You’re gay, not a criminal.”

“People didn’t see it that way, then. Gram and Gramps put themselves out there by taking me in.”

Leah shrugs. “I guess I can give them that much.”

I smile at her. “Leah, come on. You’ve spent a couple evenings with the old folks this past week.”

She nods. “Well, they’re getting old. I figure I better be nice to them so I can get back in the will.”

“You’re so sentimental.” I stick my tongue out at her.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I know I’m running late!” Lynne comes tearing out of my bedroom, wearing a pale lavender gown with strategic cut outs on either side. The color looks perfect with her dark eyes and hair. Sarah approaches her with the corsage.

“You look beautiful, Lynne.”

Lynne kisses her softly. “Thank you. So do you.”

Leah clasps her hands together. “We all look beautiful and we all have to go.”

Andy herds us all into her big SUV. I reach out to take her hand and she heads toward the freeway. “Andy, you look good.”

She glances at me. “So do you, Davey-baby. So do you.”

Andy delivers us safely to the hall and turns the keys over to the valet. She comes around to my side and sees me out of the vehicle. The rest of the ladies pile out and we walk up the stairs. Andy gallantly escorts both my mother and myself. Again, I don’t know why I can’t just turn into a lesbian. How many of my problems would be solved if I could just be in love with Andy?

I hear a shriek and turn to see Steve running at me. “Oh my God, you look like royalty!” he yells. When Steve finishes mauling me, Erik lifts my hand and kisses it. “Davey, you do truly look wonderful.”

Steve and Erik steal Leah, so Andy and I continue in together. The hall is decorated to the degree that only gay men can truly master. There are little white lights twinkling all over the place. It looks like a fairyland. The orchestra is already playing on the stage at the front of the room. There are individual place cards on all of the tables. We go to the door of the main hall, and a volunteer takes our names.

“Yes, you are at table thirteen. To the left.”

“Davey!”

Ron is crossing the dining room. “It looks fantastic, doesn’t it?”

“It does. I can’t believe how many people are here.”

“Hi Andy.” Ron holds out his hand and Andy shakes it.

“Good to see you, Ron.”

“Go ahead and mingle or dance. There are tables of hors d’oeuvres. We have waiters circling with champagne. I must go meet and greet!”

“Ron, wait.” I touch his arm. “Is Nancy Astor here?”

“She is. The speakers are going to come on right before dinner. We figured we would give people a chance to dance, have a good time, maybe get a little liquidated, then we’ll hit them with the speakers.”

Andy nods. “Good idea. If you wait until after dinner, people might leave before the speeches are over.”

“Exactly. Now, excuse me ladies.” He bows and takes off.

I look around for Leah. She’s already on the dance floor with a guy I don’t recognize. Lynne and Sarah are sitting at the table. I look up at Andy.

“It’s hard to believe in these heels that I’m still shorter than you.”

She holds out a foot. “Doc Martin boots. Two inch heel.”

“Figures.”

She laughs and takes my arm again. “Shall we dance, mingle, eat or drink?”

“Let’s have some champagne and then dance.”

“Sounds good.”

We move over to the table and check out our place cards. “Very posh,” Andy says, picking up one of the glass finger bowls. “Imagine how much more money could have gone to the charity if you didn’t have these.”

“Stop it. Almost every little decorative thing in here was donated.” I smack her hand.

“Besides,” Lynne adds, “people who pay two fifty for dinner expect extravagance.”

“I guess. I would have donated two-hundred fifty bucks just to dance with Davey — regardless of the setting.”

“Gram and Gramp’s basement is still available.”

A waiter stops by our table and offers champagne. Sarah asks for a refill of her water, instead. We all raise our glasses. “To life,” Andy says.

“To love,” Sarah puts in.

Lynne smiles. “To good friends.”

I look at Andy. “To making the right choice.”

We clink our glasses. Leah trots up to the table. “Did I miss a toast?”

“There will be plenty more,” Andy assures her.

A man appears at our table. “Leah, hello. I’m Frank. Want to dance?”

“I would love to, my darling.” She glides off on his arm. Andy and I look at each other, laughing.

“Well?” Andy asks.

“Well what?”

“Sorry. Let me be more of a gentleman.” She stands up and bows. “My lady, would you care to dance?”

“I would.” I give her my hand and let her lead me to the dance floor. Andy is a strong lead and we’ve been dancing together for years. We move naturally and effortlessly together. Her hand is strong on my waist with a gentle pressure that lets me know which way to turn next.

“Andy, maybe I should take ballroom dancing lessons.”

“Why? You’re already a great dancer.”

“I was just thinking that of all the exercises I’ve tried over the years, dancing is the only one I really love.”

“And you don’t have to worry about getting hit in the face with balls.”

“Not when I’m dancing with you.”

“Ha. If you find a dance class that you want to take, I’ll take it with you. But why don’t you look for one that’s a little sexier, like salsa or tango?”

“You might lose control of yourself if you have to tango with me.”

“Really?” She throws me down into a low dip, then brings me slowly back up. When our faces are aligned again, she bends her head down and kisses me on the mouth. This time, I don’t resist at all. I let her slide her tongue into my mouth, her hands tighten around my waist.

“Davey,” she whispers in a low voice.

I let my lips trail lightly along her face until I reach the spot where her jaw meets the underside of her ear. I linger there for a minute, then whisper into her ear. “Maybe I should stay at your house tonight.”

She groans softly against my face. “Davey, don’t do this. This isn’t what you want.”

“This is what I want.”

We dance together for several more numbers, before Leah cuts in. She whisks Andy away, leaving me to dance with Erik.

“So Davey, are you gay now?”

I look at him pointedly. “Shut up and dance.”

“Wanna make out with me, too?”

“Shut up!” I’m laughing. “I don’t know. I really don’t know. It just suddenly seems like the best thing I could possibly do for myself would be to settle down with Andy.”

“What about for Andy?”

“I think it would be good for her, too.”

“Davey, is this decision made with your head or your heart?”

“Does it matter?”

“I think you know the answer to that.”

The song ends and I escape Erik, grabbing a glass of champagne from a passing waiter as I thread through the crowd. Leah and Andy have found new partners and they are both swinging around the dance floor. Sarah is at the table alone.

“Hi Sarah. Where’s Lynne?”

“She went off in search of munchies.”

I smile. “I don’t know how that little girl eats as much as she does.”

Sarah laughs. “If you figure it out, let me know. I’ve wanted to get rid of about thirty pounds for years.”

“How is it going with you two?”

“I think it’s good. It’s weird to be dating after living together for fifteen years.”

“I can imagine that would be hard.”

“I took her for granted, though.”

“Was it hard to quit drinking?”

“Not really. I think it was the drinking that killed my sex drive. I was at a low-level drunk every day and I would just get drunker and drunker until I fell asleep. Of course there was no room for sex in there.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m not. I’m not too old to change. And it’s weird, Davey. But the time we spent apart was actually good for us. Lynne has changed.”

“She seems to be happy.”

“She’s found a spectacular talent for counseling people. She wants to go back to school for her degree and work full-time counseling transgendered teens.”

“Wow.” I’m stunned. I can’t believe it. “Wow.”

“I know. Pretty heady stuff. I’m really proud of her. And I guess it’s nice to reach into my own prejudices and false assumptions and learn something new.”

“That’s really cool. I wish you two the best of luck.”

“I wish you the best of luck too, Davey. Whatever you do.”

Lynne slides into her seat with a huge plate full of goodies.

“Lynne! You can’t possibly be planning on eating all of that. Share some with me,” I say, grabbing a little chocolate torte.

Andy reaches over my shoulder and sets a plate down in front of me. “Baby girl, I got you some snacks.”

“My hero.”

We share the hors d’oeuvres and watch Leah dance. Lynne and Sarah are flirting outrageously. They finally decide to hit the dance floor for a slow number. Andy puts her arm around me and I lean my head against her shoulder.

Leah comes back and raids my plate, looking for chocolate. “Sorry Leah, I ate all the chocolate ones.”

Andy stands up. “I’ll bring more.”

Leah looks at me. “Davey. Are you sure about this?”

I shake my head. “Leah, I’m forty. So is Andy. We’ve been together for so long. We know everything there is to know about each other.”

“But are you in love?”

“Andy believes that being in love is a conscious choice.”

“What do you believe?”

“I believe that I’m done looking for love.”

Lynne and Sarah get back to the table at the same time that Andy comes back with more chocolate. We all take little cakes and cookies. The waiter comes by and fills up our glasses again. Sarah and Lynne both take water this time. They kiss as they toast each other.

“A toast,” Leah says, raising her glass. “To my chosen family.”

We all raise our glasses.

“Davey?”

“Mrs. Astor.” I jump to my feet to hug her. Andy stands up next to me.

“Please, call me Nancy.” She holds out a hand to Andy. “Nancy Astor.”

“Andy Eriksson.”

“And this is my mother, Leah.”

“Leah, I am pleased to meet you.”

I gesture toward Lynne and Sarah. “And these are my friends…”

“Oh, I know Lynne and Sarah,” Nancy interrupts. “We work together with the trans support group.”

Leah touches Nancy’s arm. “Would you like to join us?”

“No, thank you. I have to make a speech in a few minutes.”

“Well, it was nice meeting you. I hope we get a chance to talk to you after dinner.”

“You definitely will.”

Nancy hugs me goodbye and I wish her luck. Ron is adjusting the microphone, so we all sit and stare at him expectantly.

“Human beings,” he begins.

“Smooth start,” Andy whispers to me. I take her hand under the table.

Ron is giving an overview of the care center’s programs. Leah leans over Andy to whisper to me, “Maybe I should join a bisexuals support group.”

“You aren’t bisexual.”

“Well, just because I was bad at it the first time doesn’t mean I won’t try again.”

Andy’s jaw is clenched, but a small snort escapes. I poke her in the ribs. “Don’t encourage her.”

“It’s a little funny.”

“A little.”

Ron goes on to talk about where funding for our center comes from and why it is so important to donate. “Sadly, however,” he says, “sometimes we fail in our mission. Sometimes, we want so badly to help, but for whatever reason, the help does not come soon enough. We’re working hard to prevent that from happening, but sometimes, a child slips through the cracks. Jonah Astor was one of those lost children. On June 3rd, Jonah killed himself in his bedroom. He left a note saying that he couldn’t handle the torment he was getting from his classmates. Tonight, Jonah’s mother, Nancy Astor is here to tell us about her son.”

We all jump to our feet and applaud as Nancy takes the stage. She gives us a few minutes to settle down. Finally, she holds her hands up to quiet the crowd. “Thank you. Thank you all for such a warm welcome.”

I lean closer to Andy and she puts her arm around me.

Nancy continues, “I had a daughter. I had a beautiful, loving daughter who liked to chase butterflies, play with dogs, and read picture books. Her father died when she was two, and I have to admit that, though parents really aren’t supposed to have favorites, Jamie was special to me, perhaps because I knew she was my last child. She was the love of my life. And one day, when she was about four years old, she told me she was a boy. I laughed and ignored it. But she kept saying it. She kept saying it and she kept stealing clothes from her older brothers. And one day, I came home from work to find that she had cut off all of her beautiful hair. I remember yelling at her older siblings for letting her get to the scissors. Then I sat down on the floor and cried. Jamie was punished for cutting her hair. I sent her to her room. When she came out, I asked her if she was sorry she cut her hair. She told me she wasn’t sorry she cut it, but she was sorry that it upset me so much. I said it upset me because she was being silly in thinking that she was a boy, but she told me that she wasn’t being silly. At four years old, my daughter told me that she knew in her heart that she was supposed to be a boy. I cried and raged. I spanked her and yelled and sent her to her room and railed at the universe for sending me this odd mutant of a child.”

Andy looks at me. “Are you all right?” she whispers.

I nod.

On stage, Nancy pauses to take a drink of water. “So one day, during one of my fits of rage, my little girl looked at me quite seriously and said that she was sorry I didn’t love her anymore. My heart broke into a billion pieces. And I had to ask myself at that moment, did I love my daughter because she had a vagina? Did I love her because one day she would have breasts? Did I love my daughter because of the pink dresses I could buy her? Did I love her because of her gender? No. I didn’t. I loved her warmth and her humor and her ability to find joy in simple things and her intelligence and her compassion and because all dogs loved her and because she screwed up her little nose when she ate something with pepper on it. I love that she would run to me with new discoveries and look at me with love when I exclaimed over it. I loved that she sang along to all the songs on the radio and made up her own words when she didn’t know the right ones. I loved that she would crawl into my lap when she was tired and rest her face against my neck. And I realized that none of those things had anything to do with my child’s gender. If I loved all of those things about my daughter, why couldn’t I love them about my son? And I did. I do. I loved and embraced my son from that moment on and he remained the most thoughtful and caring of my children, he was just my thoughtful and caring son, instead of my thoughtful and caring daughter.”

I lean back and close my eyes, thinking about Danny. Dammit. This poor woman went through the hell of losing her child and I want the easy way out. I want to take the path of least resistance. I gave up the man I love because I couldn’t handle having to figure out a whole new way of loving someone. Well, why the hell shouldn’t it be new? Isn’t all love new? Don’t all couples have to adjust and learn how to live with and love each other? Why the hell can’t I just love Danny the way he is? I look over at Andy. She’s watching me sadly.

“Andy,” I whisper. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Go,” she mouths.

I jump up from my seat and run for the door. I look for a cab as I reach the valet parking. I turn to a valet.

“Can you call a cab?”

He nods and pulls out his cell phone. I calculate how long it will take to get a cab. Danny lives two miles from here.

“Fuck it. Never mind.” I take off running. I can do this. Two miles is a walk in the park. I tear down the street in my high heels, until one of them breaks, then I carry my shoes. I’m running full on, sobbing as I run, hoping it’s not too late.

I finally reach his house and I tear up the porch stairs, pounding on his door. Danny opens the door, grabs me and pulls me inside. “Davey, are you all right? Sweetheart, what happened? Are you hurt? Did someone hurt you?”

I’m panting and sobbing and I can’t get a breath, let alone talk. I drop to one knee and bend over, trying to catch my breath. Danny lifts me off of the floor and puts me in the big armchair, kneeling in front of me. “Davey, can you talk? Did something happen?”

“You did,” I manage to gasp.

“What?”

“Danny.” I try to take deep breaths, slowing my pounding heart. Tears are streaming down my face, as I look directly into his beautiful, angelic face.

“Danny, I love your eyes. I love your face. I love the way you kiss the inside of my wrist when you hold my hand. I love your taste in literature. I love your sense of humor. I love the way you hold me. I love that you open the car door and carry my bags. I love the way you mess up your hair with your hands. I love the way your whole face lights up when you laugh. I love the way you make me feel. I love that my whole family loves you. I love that you punched Joe, even though he could have killed you with his bare hands. I love you. I love you. I fucked up. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that I hurt you. I’m an asshole. I hate myself for hurt…”

“Davey!” Danny finally interrupts. He takes me into his arms and presses his lips against mine. “Davey,” he whispers, when he finally stops kissing me. “Stop talking.”

Epilogue

“Davey, how do I look?”

Danny is wearing a perfectly cut tuxedo, with a dark gray silk handkerchief in the pocket.

I straighten his bow tie, grinning. “I finally get to see you in a tux.”

He bows deeply, sweeping one arm out in a grand gesture.

“And you, my love, look amazing.”

I spin around, glancing down at my dark gray, one-shouldered dress.

“I do, don’t I?”

Danny laughs and pulls me into his arms. “You look like a goddess.”

“You’re completely biased.”

He takes my hand and we walk toward the entrance to the park.

I smile as I look at the decorations. Leah and Steve and Erik have outdone themselves. There are wooden chairs set up on both sides of the aisle. Flowers line all of the rows, and cover the altar. There are several larger arrangements to either side of where the groomsmen and bridesmaids will stand. A large canopy covers all of the seats, just in case of rain. I glance up at the clear blue sky and smile. Not much chance of rain today. I turn to Danny and smile as a light breeze blows his hair into his eyes. Brushing it back with my fingers, I lean in and kiss him on the mouth. He pulls back and looks deep into my eyes.

“Are you ready?” he asks me.

I nod, nervous. “I think so.”

“We’re here, we’re here,” Leah is calling and waving as she strides into the park.

“Leah, you said you were going to be here before all of the guests!”

“I am!” She looks around. “We still have twenty minutes. And besides, everything is finished. It looks wonderful.”

I nod. “You and the boys did a great job.”

“We sure did,” Steve says, walking up behind me.

He and Erik are wearing designer suits and matching ties. Danny reaches over and brushes imaginary lint off of Steve’s impeccable suit. Steve and Erik have become great friends of ours. We often double date, or just get together at their house or ours to drink wine and eat a fine meal. I moved in with Danny about a week after we got back together and — though we definitely had a period of adjustment, we are doing just fine. Better than fine, in fact. We did have a tense few days after Danny’s tenants moved out and we had a rather heated argument about what to do with the other half of the house. Danny won that argument and Leah moved in a couple of months after I did. It helps having a wall between us, but I keep wondering how long it will take for her to move on. Granted, she spent a few months in the Caribbean last year, working on a dive boat, but she came back. She always comes back. We decided to just not renew the lease on my apartment. I gave most of my furniture to charity, but we kept my incredible bed. And I am walking distance to work now. Danny walks me to work most days and meets me out front when I am finished. Every time I walk out at the end of the day and see his face, I thank the goddesses for bringing him to me.

“Hi guys!” Sarah breaks into my thoughts as she and Lynne walk toward us, arm in arm.

I run at them and pick up Lynne, twirling her around. Leah and Danny hug Sarah, then Danny takes Lynne from me.

“You both look fantastic!” I exclaim.

They do, too. Obviously southern living is agreeing with them. Oh yeah, Lynne and Sarah got back together for real a couple of weeks after the big benefit a couple of years ago. Lynne applied to several colleges and got into one of her first choices, which prompted Sarah to make a big decision. She ended up renting out her house in Ohio City and she and Lynne moved to North Carolina to be close to Lynne’s school. Lynne keeps insisting that after school is over, she is going to come back and work at the Care Center, but she and Sarah seem so happy in North Carolina. Danny and I have driven down a couple of times to spend long weekends with them and they have an incredibly full life down there. We discussed moving south as well, but I think Danny is attached to Cleveland. And I’m not sure I want to leave my job and my friends and family.

We decided not to tell Gram and Gramps about Danny’s biological sex. There are limits to the acceptance levels of old people and Danny didn’t want to test it. Besides, they both love him as he is. And Gramps even got Danny to do P90X with him, which means he is looking almost as buff as Andy these days. I love him buff, and I loved him before he was buff. It doesn’t matter to me, though I do love squeezing his biceps.

I put my arm around Danny on one side and Leah on the other side, smiling around at the group.

Steve catches my thoughts. “We’ve come a long way, baby.”

Leah smiles. “It’s been a long time since we were all together like this.”

Danny nods. “We’re just missing one piece.”

I look around, wondering where Andy could be. Guests are starting to arrive. I can hear car doors closing in the parking lot.

Steve grins. “Well, Erik and I will start seating the guests. Leah, shall I start with you?”

He puts out his arm and escorts Leah to her chair in the front row. Erik guides Sarah and Lynne to their places. I look at Danny, concerned.

“Where do you think she is?”

“She’ll be here,” he insists.

“We can’t start without her.”

“Let’s move out of the way.”

We move off to the side and watch silently as Steve and Erik seat the guests. The photographer walks up and puts out his hand.

“Hi, I’m Alan, the photographer. Are you the bride?”

I shake my head.

“Bridesmaid?”

“They are in the cottage with the bride. They’ll come down the aisle once the music starts.”

The photographer looks confused. “So who are you?”

“I’m the best … woman.”

“The best woman?”

Danny grins. “And I’m the best man.”

I look up and smile. “And here comes the bride.” I pause, then chuckle. “The other bride.”

Andy strides across the park, looking sleek and beautiful in her tuxedo. Her hair, which has grown kind of long in the past couple of years is slicked back in kind of a David Bowie cut. She looks gorgeous.

Danny wraps her up in a huge hug, grinning as she towers over him. He looks down at her feet.

“Doc Martins?”

“Nothing else.” Andy turns and takes my hand.

“Davey-baby,” she says, smiling. “You look beautiful.”

“Well, I am your best woman after all.”

She leans in and kisses me on the cheek. “You still are.”

We all link arms and walk up to the altar, where Danny nods at the pianist to start the music. I glance once at Andy as the music starts. She’s glowing. She looks happy. I suddenly get a knot in my stomach at the thought of Andy loving another woman for life. Danny reads my mind and reaches over for to give my hand a brief squeeze. I glance back at him, my love, my life. I catch Andy’s eye one more time before she turns to look down the aisle at her bride, Alice. I glance at the guests. Alice’s parents and siblings are sitting in the front row on one side. Leah is sitting in the front row on the other side, with Gram and Gramps. Andy’s family. Andy’s family is my family. No matter what else happens, no matter who else we love in life, Andy is my family. I blink back a tear and smile at the beaming couple.

About the Author

Beth Burnett is a queer, feminist, late-in-life student who loves 70s K-tel, eradicating the forces of evil, classic literature, Neil Gaiman, and the Oxford comma. She recently moved to Ohio from the Virgin Islands because beautiful beaches, clear Caribbean water, and perfect weather can be such a drag. Though she is in love with her hometown, she has decided that the first time the weather gets cold, she is going to pack her dog into her solid gold mini-van and drive to California, where she will sleep on her sister’s couch, learn to surf, and go to lesbian poetry readings. “Man Enough” is Beth’s first novel, though she is currently working on a second.

Table of Contents

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

Epilogue