Contents

Front Matter

Chapter 0

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Front Matter

Copyrighted © Kyra Gregory 2012

Author's blog: http://kyralyrical.wordpress.com/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/#!/kyra_lyrical

Chapter 0

Prologue

Dear Karina,

If I could say it simply… Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all that you've done for me. The way you've saved me… The way you've loved me…

When I didn't look right, when I didn't feel right… You were the only person who made me feel like…I really wasn't as bad as I thought.

The day we first met… The uneven boyish haircut I had given myself the previous night through my pain… You said it suited me. You said, 'It allows your flirtatious smile to stand out.' For restoring my confidence, however little, thank you for that. How… How did you know that I had needed someone to tell me that? How were you able to…just smile and take my hand, tell me it was alright and pull me along?

That night, feeling wretched and miserable almost the moment you weren't at my side… I almost couldn't believe your impact.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart for how much I take you for granted.

This is a problem…

But this problem, however much you may worry and fuss over it, is a problem with myself and not a problem with us.

But I promise! I promise I'll work hard and I'll be better. I'll become a person that you can be proud of. I'll become a person that you can have by your side. So please, please, please don't give up on me just yet.

I love you.

Chapter 1

She smiled brightly as the soft lips traced further down her body, returning back to her neck shortly and then to touch her lips once more. The warmth of them excited her more than anything else. The manner in which her partner's long hair tickled her sensitive flesh as it fell over her shoulders only excited her further.

Karina pressed a soft kiss to her lips, smiling brightly at the look of pleasure on her partner's features. "That's a good look for you." She pointed out softly, her voice just above a whisper.

Amara's smile faded a little bit, reduced to a simple and meek pull of her lips. Her finger tips drew soft subtle patterns into the back of the woman's shoulder as she stared into her eyes and tried to tear herself away from her own insanity one more time. Karina rolled herself off of her, resting her head with her long flowing hair onto the other's shoulder. Her fingers moved up the woman's chest, causing her to smile when her immediate reaction was to shift in her position.

Amara rolled over, laying her partner's head on a pillow before she pulled herself out of bed. She put on her undergarments and then reached for the white shirt that hung at the foot of the bed. Karina grabbed it before she could; reaching for her hand, Karina raised it to her lips. Amara leaned in shakily and kissed the woman's pink lips softly. Karina returned the shirt to her, hanging her head but not with as much sadness as she must have felt.

After clothing herself once more she passed the other one of her t-shirts, smiling softly. Quietly she reached for her phone and keys on the nightstand and exited, a short pause in the doorway before she did so.

"You're going to be at the track?"

"Yes." Amara replied softly, a little bit of regret in her tone.

"I'll see you back in time for dinner?"

"Of course."

Stepping into her short boots Amara left the apartment but stopped just short of the downstairs exit. Running her fingers through her short blond hair those wretched feelings began to over power the ones she had considered closer to instinct, driving her heart into a pain that she most certainly could not handle. She turned back to the stairs and jogged her way all the way back to the apartment, opening the doors quietly and subtly in case her girlfriend was angry with her.

She tiptoed into the kitchen and, upon seeing her standing there, she wrapped her arms tightly around her waist and buried her face into her neck. Karina's lips pulled into a smile and she wrapped her arms over her partner's, holding her hands tightly in her own. "I'll try to be back soon. We can have dinner early…"

"And then go for a drive?"

"Yeah, that would be great."

Amara pressed another kiss to the corner of her mouth, patted her abdomen and then turned to leave. "Try to drive carefully, Amara." She heard her call after her. She peaked back into the kitchen, gave her a large smile and a firm nod and then finally allowed herself to leave. Finally, feeling a little less guilty.

As she got into her car, feeling the leather beneath herself and being comforted by it, she heaved a short sigh as she started up the engine. Her driving was fast on the busy roads, though she vowed to restrain herself for as long as she wasn't on the tracks yet. She put her hand to her forehead, resting her arm on the window. The tips of her fingers touched the dampness of her hair once more and she was reminded of the feverish state she had been in with her partner just a half hour ago. Her mind seemed to freeze once more and amidst the traffic she rested her forehead against the steering wheel, exhaling softly.

Throwing herself back into her seat she grabbed at the cross that fell just above her breasts, sighing at the constrictive feeling that it had caused her to endure.

When she parked at the track she sat there in her seat for a few more minutes, staring at the fine lining of the ceiling of her convertible. She grabbed the duffel bag from her backseat, tossing it on the ground outside of her car before she hoisted herself up. Vaguely she felt the pinching pain of the nerve that she had pulled a few days before. Perhaps she shouldn't have been driving at the time, and perhaps maybe now was a bad time to be doing so also.

As she got to the changing rooms she avoided the gazes of everyone and went to the back corner of the room. The scent of sweat and the rough sounds of the men's chatter hardly appealed to her but, although it was hard for anyone to believe, this was the place that provided her with the slightest bit of freedom.

As she took her equipment out of the locker and shoved them into her duffel bag she took subtle steps to a shower cubicle, changing as discreetly as possible before heading out onto the track. She couldn't deny that she got glances from everyone. She always did and that wouldn't change for as long as she lived or for as long as she did whatever she wanted. Even after that she was sure that it would follow her somehow or another. Trying to be oneself had its drawbacks.

The wind caused by the speed of her car resulted in her short hair tickling her features. She gripped onto the steering wheel as it controlled her entire life, her emotions and her state of mind. The speed around the tracks was freeing and uplifting.

It was only when two other cars sped across in front of her did her frustration simply begin to increase that much further. Not today. She didn't want to have to deal with this again today.

Speeding up she crossed the overtakers once more and circled the lap ahead of them a few more times. It was only when she lifted one hand off the wheel for a moment did she feel the numbness that the car's intense vibrations had caused.

After an hour of going about the same motions, taking over and being overtaken, she finally came to the conclusion that it was time for her to stop. Her partner's words rang in her head every single day as she was reminded to be careful. She got to the end and came to a smooth stop. She stepped out of the car and with a tug removed her helmet.

"What's your problem?"

Three men that had emerged from their cars were already storming up to her. She heaved a sigh, turning away to gather her phone and the car keys, "The winner is the person that's fastest. If you don't like those rules then don't try to race me." Before she could say or do much else, just as she had turned away from the car, the back of her body took a hard hit into the hot metal of her vehicle. The shove had been painful but it was so brief and forceful that she could not even tell where she was hit, only that her lower back had come into harsh, no doubt bruising, contact. Had she not slammed her hand down in time she was certain she would have surely suffered more damage. She kept her eyes averted from the intimidating men's gazes. She could hear their insults vaguely through the blood rushing through her head and the thudding of her heart.

They walked away and, with some difficulty, she lifted herself from the car door. Pressing a hand to her back she leaned back against it a moment later, sliding to the ground with a sharp wince. She couldn't believe that even after all this time she still allowed these people to intimidate her like that. As she tried to gather the strength and the courage she lifted herself from the floor, picking up the helmet and keys once more before returning to the changing rooms.

At her locker she pressed herself against it as she struggled to tug it open. Once she did there was a rush of liquid pouring out of it, the obvious prank emphasised by the snickering over her shoulders. Liquid had remained accumulated over her duffel back. She was, so far, neither comforted nor worried; uncertain if this meant that her bag was filled with what smelt like bad milk or if the material had successfully kept the disgusting substance out and away from her clothes. She turned her bag over in an effort to get the liquid off it before she took it to one of the shower cubicles.

She thanked God in that moment that her clothing was still dry, along with her phone that had been clutched in her hand when she won the war against the locker. She took a shower and then changed back into her jeans and loose shirt, hiding the majority of her feminine curves as she did so.

She inhaled and exhaled deeply, keeping her anger and frustration as close to under control as possible, as she cleaned out her locker with a damp cloth. Out of the corner of her eye she could see the half naked men as they continued to watch and snicker behind her back. The two burly ones were almost disgusting to look at as those sneers on their faces were the most unattractive things she'd ever seen.

It was only one man that generally went about his business and left her alone. Nonetheless, this was one of the four men that had approached her earlier on the track. He seemed to be the rather submissive one of the group but that didn't mean he was any less culpable as them. He occasionally glanced over at her out of the corner of his eye, meeting her gaze for just a second before he would return to drying himself off or getting his clothes out of his locker.

"Have a nice day." She wished them all in an indifferent tone, exiting the room.

As she drove home she began to wish that she had burned out all her anger on the track. It became that much more tempting to speed on the bare roads now that her frustration had continued to consume her. It was not the only sin of hers that she would have to pay for sooner or later. She knew of this as she clutched the cross that was hanging around her neck.

Upon entering the apartment the spicy smell of curry wafted towards her, arousing her taste buds. Seeing her girlfriend in the kitchen, looking elegant with her dress and neatly pinned hair, she once again became aware of the other sin that she had become known for. Wrapping her arms around the woman's waist, much like she had done earlier, she accepted the turning of the woman's head and met it with a passionate kiss.

"Did it go well?"

"Yeah, my time was good." She had not given much thought to her time today, only having given it a brief glance during each set of laps. She began setting the table, aiding her partner who began turning over scoops of rice and curry into their dishes.

As she took a seat at the table a sharp pain shot through the back of her left side but she hid her wince as best as possible from the other, trying hard to keep the earlier incident from her lover. Their meal went by rather silently. She did not expect Karina to be very chatty that evening, though she had not expected her to be so silent either. When they finished cleaning up Amara grabbed her car keys, wrapping an arm around her partner's waist and kissing her on the corner of her mouth. "Shall we go then?"

The woman gave a firm nod, a wide smile on her beautiful face.

The fact that she had found a woman that loved these drives as much as she did was both a miracle to her as well as a great blessing. With the top of the car down, driving fast along the coast with the cool breeze running through their hair and the moon light spreading across the water there was nothing more beautiful than this. Finally coming to a stop beside the beach to look out at the magnificent view Karina dropped the back of her seat down, finally lying down entirely, writhing around in her seat as she stared up at the moon and the stars. "It's beautiful." She whispered, dreamy.

All night she could not take her eyes off the woman beside her. The long soft locks of brown hair cascaded down her shoulders, framing her face beautifully and with those pink lips pulled into an almost eternal smile. She could die right here and now, she thought, and she would die happy by the sight of the woman alone.

"Indeed, you are."

Karina's lips tugged a little further with an uncontrollable smile which she tried to hide in her arms, having stretched them high above her head as though to reach for the stars that shone brightly above them.

Amara crawled into the back seat, curling herself up in a corner as she also looked up towards the beautiful scenery. It wasn't long before Karina crawled into the back with her, smiling softly as she reached out to caress the other's cheek. Amara reached up, grabbing the other's hand softly with hers.

"Where did you get this?" Karina clasped the woman's hand and pulled it towards her into a shred of moonlight, running her thumb over an ever darkening bruise.

"Ah," Amara pulled her hand back, closing her hand tightly as she looked over the bruise that was just above her knuckles, "the car door fell on my hand."

Karina looked up at her and searched her expression. Just that look in the woman's eyes made her feel like she was being interrogated by her. She tried to resist holding her breath in order to seem less guilty. She finally released a fluttering breath as Karina reached out to clasp her hand again but turned her complete attention towards the sky. Karina rested her head on her shoulder but did not say another word.

As she ghosted her long fingers over the other's features Amara could only think about how close it was. One day she was certain that she would get caught. She could only imagine what she would do and even then she knew that it was nearly nothing compared to the reality that would become of the situation.

One day Karina would find out and Amara would have no way to explain to her why she allowed this to go on for as long as she did.

Their position upon getting into bed once they were home was not much different. Karina placed her head on the other's shoulder, smiling contently. She slid her fingers beneath Amara's nightshirt, smiling when the other woman jumped a little with surprise as she felt the nails. Writhing about at the feeling, Amara then rolled over and pinned the woman beneath her with her own weight. She lay on her and simply drew soft invisible patterns with her finger until she could fall asleep peacefully.

As the sun began to rise and spread a beautiful bright glow over the young couple's living room Amara sat back comfortably on the windowsill, staring out for as far as her eyes were blessed to see. Karina peaked out of the bathroom, towel drying her long hair carefully as she admired the gentle profile of her partner. As she approached her she watched as the woman blinked the moisture out of her eyes, leaving Karina to watch as the drops trickled down her pale cheeks. Amara reached up promptly as she felt the shadow loom over her with the woman's approach and wiped away her tears, "I'm sorry." She apologised in a cracking tone.

"Don't be." Karina dabbed at her cheeks with the towel, smiling warmly. She took a seat opposite her on the windowsill as the woman began to shy away, reaching for the hand that the other was now staring at with guilt. She wiped at her damp cheek with the back of her fingers, "Are you thinking too hard again?" she asked her softly.

Amara smiled weakly in response, raising her hand to wipe at her eyes again, "Perhaps…" She keenly felt that there was no one in this world that understood her quite the way Karina did. She just knew. Always just knew.

Karina put their fingers through a small series of steps before they were entwined perfectly, clasping their hands together tightly. Unable to face the kind gesture Amara leaned over, burying her face in her neck as their hands remained tight in between them. With a soft smile tugging at her features Karina kissed the woman's temple tenderly, running her fingers through her soft blond hair and down her small back.

The blond sniffled finally after another moment and then pulled back, taking her hand out and placing it over the other's instead, "Don't you have to practice? You have a performance coming up, right?"

Karina nodded her head and stood up, leaving her partner's side to pick up her violin from its stand. Amara was thankful that she had such an understanding woman by her side; she did not persist with her questions or with her smothering and accepted the drastic change in topic. "I need to go dress shopping later but I've got some time for practice." Before she could position herself at her podium though she chucked Amara's backpack to her, "In the meantime, don't you have some sketches to do?"

Amara gave a brief smile, nodded and settled in her place on the couch as she began her work. As the peaceful and gentle sound of the violin filled the air she often found herself being taken away by it and occasionally stopped to peak over the back of the couch in order to watch the captivating woman perform.

As they had taken the sunny afternoon as a good opportunity for some shopping it appeared as though every other woman in the city with a day off had decided to do the exact same thing. In the heat Amara shrugged out of her leather jacket despite the passing breeze and made her way through the crowds with much frustration on her face.

Clutching at her bag with the new clothes, occasionally peaking into it, Amara hung around Karina's changing room in each and every store. While she was satisfied with her own choices she didn't try to hurry the woman up until she really began to get tired. "Hey," she called softly, "between you and I, shouldn't it be me that has the most trouble looking for a dress? Come on, hurry up."

"You're not the one going to be standing in front of a thousand people. On a stage. All by yourself."

She could hear the stress in the woman's tone as she clearly began to fuss over something in the changing room. She popped her head in, smiling softly, "What do you think of it?"

"I don't like it." She huffed and reached for the stubborn clasps again.

"Good, because you looked better in the purple one."

"The next one that looks good on me, just make me get it."

"If that were possible I would have done that with the first dress after I chose mine."

"You're a strong women; don't be afraid to use a little bit of force in such a desperate moment."

The idea of using force on the woman didn't appeal to her in the slightest, no matter how comical the situation may be in Karina's eyes. She threw her arms around her waist, kissed her neck promptly and then pulled back, "Try on the next one so we can move on."

As they finally finished up after another hour and the two began their walk back to the parking lot Amara thought that she had just made it out of this shopping trip unscathed, and with the haul of clothing she would be able to avoid another trip like this for some time. It was then with that relief that Karina happened to bump into someone she knew and as Amara squinted in the afternoon sun she dreaded the person who had made an appearance.

Karina threw her arms around the tall man's neck, a large grin on her features, "Shayne, it's great to see you!"

It had only been a month or so, Amara fumed silently to herself.

Karina pulled the blond over, "You remember Amara, don't you?"

"Of course." The man's large white smile was almost blinding. Amara wanted to ask him to please not do that in her presence; she most certainly didn't. How could he ever forget her? She was the person that Karina had left him for.

"I see you've been doing some extreme shopping." By now it was true that the amount of bags had piled up, though he probably did not expect that they had been at this for hours.

"I needed a dress for a performance."

The twenty-something man chatted away with the beautiful twenty-something woman for a few minutes and through Amara's eyes she could see the perfect couple that they once were as they conversed. They embraced and their lips touched each other's at the corners as they said their byes and separated finally.

On the car ride home Amara kept her gaze steadfast on the road and didn't really attempt at any conversation with her partner as she always did. After some time, not too far from home, Karina gave a short laugh and tilted her head back, "Are you jealous, Amara?"

"Jealous?" She scoffed in response.

"Shayne's presence doesn't exactly have you beaming, does it?"

"Should it?"

"Not particularly; I think it would be a little bit mean of you."

"So what the hell's the problem?" Amara's words came out more harshly than she had ever intended but there was no taking it back.

As the car came to a stop in their garage and Amara went to make her way out Karina grabbed the sleeve of her shirt. "Why are you jealous of him when I chose you?" The hurt in her eyes was unmistakable and it caused a shiver to run down her spine.

"I'm not jealous." Amara replied. She kept her voice calm this time as her honest feelings began to make their way to the surface. It was always better to be honest, she tried to convince herself. "Sometimes I can't help but think I shouldn't have gotten into your way." She made her way out of the car before the other could say or do anything else to her.

"Amara!" As she got into the elevator, not intending on waiting for the stunned woman, the slim figure shrunk in between the gap of the closing doors. She immediately grabbed at Amara's shirt, clenching it tightly in her fists, "Like hell!" She screamed.

"Like hell?" Amara asked, having no choice but to stare down into that hurt and rage.

"I accept that sometimes you're not happy with your decisions but don't criticise mine!"

Amara could only stare in shock as the venom from the woman's tone sank deeper into her. As the elevator stopped onto their floor Karina let go of her and stormed out and into their apartment. As she entered their bedroom she found the woman in her walk-in closet, hanging up the multitude of clothing amongst the rest of her gowns and dresses.

Amara turned her around and Karina seemed to want to fight her off until she looked into her eyes. All resistance on both sides quickly stopped. "I don't regret being with you; that's the problem." She pressed their foreheads together, whispering, "Its the fact that nothing adds up in my mind that hurts so badly."

She held the woman tightly to her and Karina finally dropped her dress in order to cling to the other's back. She buried her face in her neck, sighing. "I don't want you to have regrets."

"I don't. I don't have any; not about us."

"It doesn't sound that way."

Amara felt herself rocking back and forth even as she tried to anchor herself onto her partner. She often thought that if perhaps she held tightly enough she would cling on just as successfully to her sanity. "Its not like that. You...know I love you... You know that, right?"

"Of course." She held onto her tightly, sinking her fingers into her, "Of course I know."

Amara breathed a short sigh of relief and clung to her more desperately as she felt the shakes of her own body. "I'm really sorry." She didn't want the woman to feel, even for just a moment, that she did not cherish what they had between them. There was so much more she wanted to tell her. There was so much that she couldn't bring herself to say, no matter how much she tried to force it out. She was so sorry. Someday she would tell her though… Someday she would tell her everything she felt for her…

Chapter 2

Having woken up alone in the bed, realising why when she looked over at the time, Amara jumped out to get to work on her sketches. She had made precise plans for her work but she had not accounted for the possibility of sleeping in after a long night of sitting up to listen to her girlfriend's playing. As she passed through the kitchen to make herself a strong cup of coffee she found the woman in there on the phone, looking fresh and chipper as she spoke on the phone affectionately and stirred her cup of tea.

"Your mom?" Amara asked in a whisper. Karina vaguely nodded her head, her lips pulling into a smile. "Tell her I said 'hi'."

"Amara says 'hi'." Karina told her mother, wrapping her arm around the other and kissing her cheek.

Amara continued to go fast paced throughout the house until she had gathered all of her things and settled herself at her desk. With each stroke of her pencil against the rough paper she felt her feelings come to the surface. It often occurred and it was an almost freeing experience for her. Not nearly the same kind or of the same intensity as her racing but it was an enjoyable, and safer, alternative.

"My mother asks if you're still racing; she says she hopes you're being very careful."

Amara gave a small hum in order to show her that she had heard her. She had no idea what to say to that though. She had no mother, she had no father; all she had was care workers and nuns for her care and neither of them ever seemed to worry the same way Karina's mother did.

"Tell her not to worry."

"I don't think that will console her very much." Karina laughed.

Amara was often told by the other that words rarely ever consoled a mother who had concerns for her child. She had her doubts about that. If she had assumed that her mother was told that her child was in good care it must have consoled her a great amount for her not to come looking for her in the past twenty-one years. What about her father then? He didn't seem to have any problems either.

The blond sighed and glanced over her shoulder, placing her pencil down, "What should I say to that then?" She hardly meant it to be cruel or condescending. She honestly had no idea how to deal with such concerns.

"Just be careful and leave her to me." Karina kissed her cheek softly and then left her side.

Amara returned to her work and finished up a few sketches before stopping to stretch her tense muscles, watch as her partner performed with her violin in order to work through the last few kinks for her big night. She couldn't help smiling as she could practically feel the butterflies fluttering in the other's stomach as her thoughts of the night went about in her head. She kept her door open as she showered and as she changed in the bedroom, constantly listening to the woman's passionate playing.

She pressed a kiss to the corner of the woman's mouth, flashing her a small smile. "Don't drive yourself crazy with this, alright?"

"You're going to the track." Karina sighed and brought the instrument down to her sides. "Will you be there tonight?"

"Of course." Amara gave her a pat on the back and made her way to the front door. "7pm, right?"

"I need to be there at five."

"Do you need me to take you?"

"A staff member is picking me up."

"So I'll see you there."

***

Once in a while the world cut her a break. Just once in a while it showed her a shred of mercy and she was allowed to go about her desires without much more than the contradictions inside of herself to hinder her. As the changing rooms were empty and there were few sounds coming from the tracks outside she knew that those disconcerting men were nowhere around on this one occasion. She couldn't help breathing a sigh of relief to the mere thought.

The track was as freeing as always as she sped around and felt the vibrations of her car throughout her entire body. Karina often asked her what it was that she got out of all this. She couldn't put the feeling into words but more like the action of driving itself meant something to her. Perhaps she thought that going around in circles at such a speed was suitable for her lifestyle. She tried for a very long time to run from her past, from her childhood and from all the questions that hung over her head but it would only be a matter of time before it caught up to her and she would be back to the beginning.

Yes, perhaps that was all it was. Perhaps it was simply…appropriate.

As she arrived in the backroom of the concert hall Amara found Karina standing by one of the small windows, her hands together and obviously shaking. "What are you doing here alone?"

"They finally left me alone for a few minutes." Karina whispered in response, turning around. "Why are you here? Why aren't you changed yet?"

Amara lovingly placed a hand on the other's hip, smiling as she kissed her, "Because I knew you would be a wreck." She then held up her duffel bag and showed her the dress and shoes tucked neatly inside. "Don't worry." Karina stood around in her robe; with her make up done and her hair placed into a messy bun all that was left of her was to put on her dress and to step out onto the stage. That was probably what was frightening her the most now; as that time grew closer she was shaking increasingly. Amara pulled her down onto the couch and she wrapped her arms tightly around her, pulling her to her chest. "You're going to do just fine."

"I feel…like I've practised enough and…I feel like I've put a good set list and a good show together but…"

"So don't doubt your efforts before you get feedback. You're the most hardworking person I know and you critique yourself harshly; if you think what you've put together is good then there's no way you can doubt it for everyone else."

When Karina remained silent to Amara's words she began to wonder if what she was saying was falling on deaf ears. It was only when Karina lifted her head and smiled at her through her nerves did she realise that she had made a little bit of progress with the woman's confidence. She pecked her lips softly and nestled into her neck for a moment. She finally stood up, expelling a lengthy breath, "You'd better be getting ready."

Karina seated herself in front of her dressing table, playing with her hair and adjusting her make-up. As Amara began to undress in the background Karina finally glanced over her shoulder, having seen something through the reflection in the mirror, "What's that?"

Amara looked to where Karina was indicating as she approached her; her heart began to race as she saw the both furious and concerned look written all over her expression. "It's nothing." She placed one hand briefly on the bruised area as she reached for her dress with the other. "Just a little bruise."

Karina pulled her hand off of it, "It's so dark!"

"That just means it's healing." Amara pulled the dress up her long legs; it was almost like a dark high-waisted skirt with a white shirt, long translucent open-sleeves that gave her a very delicate appearance. This covered up the bruise promptly, though out of sight most certainly didn't mean out of mind.

Karina reached to zip the dress up for her but not before taking another peak at the marred flesh, "I don't like the look of it. You should see a doctor just in case."

"Don't worry about it." Amara pecked at her lips and took the opportunity to take the spot in front of the dressing table, shaking her hair before beginning to style it. As she looked over her shoulder again she slumped her shoulders as she met the woman's concerned gaze. "Hey now," she approached her and put her hands on her shoulder, sinking to her level, "this is your night; I don't want you worrying about these little things."

"We're going to talk about this once tonight is over." Amara dreaded that thought and hoped that she would forget about it through the high of the thrilling night. Karina dropped her robe and then stepped into her floor-length gown and pulled it up to her slim shoulders, "Zip me up, please."

Amara kissed the back of the woman's sweetly-scented neck, willing her not to be mad at her as she zipped up her dress. "You'll be amazing tonight."

***

Late into the evening as the performance came to an end Amara bound out of her seat and went backstage, greeting Karina the moment she got off the stage. Karina released her heavier tears of happiness into the woman's chest as she was lured out of the tight area. She held her tightly for a few moments until she could pull herself together. "You were amazing; so perfect."

Karina was grinning like crazy once it was all over and she looked radiant in Amara's eyes, even with her tear stained cheeks. She brushed her lips at the streaky marks before Karina could pull herself away long enough to fix her make-up. Karina took her hand firmly, squeezing it tightly before kissing it and went to talk to the staff.

Amara waited patiently for the other to be finished, taking the opportunity to begin packing up the things into her small suitcase. As the woman came running back, throwing her arms around her she had no choice but to drop everything to continue to kiss and embrace the woman that had captured her heart with personality as much as with her playing. She finally took her hand and they made their way out of the back of the building.

As they stepped out they were immediately conscience of the cameras that were flashing from across the street. Amara kept her arm tight around her waist as the other was distracted by the sudden light and steered her into the direction of the car. They paid the rest of the press very little attention as they got into the car and struggled to manoeuvre the car away from the tightly packed area. As they finally got out onto the open roads Amara sped up to as much as was permissible, maybe a little bit more, as Karina began picking the pins out of her tight up-do.

"You were amazing tonight."

"You've told me." Karina then glanced over, smiling, "But I'm always happy to hear you say it."

"And why is that?"

"Because I know you're only ever saying something from the heart."

Amara's cheek began to burn with a tinge of red. She was not at all surprised for the woman to be able to say that so casually, though it did unnerve her quite a bit. She wasn't used to someone knowing her inner most thoughts like that and there were few that she was so honest with. Even then, there were still so many things that she was unable to tell anyone.

As they pulled up to the beach Amara ran her hands over her legs, unused to having them bare and especially so late at night.

"Thank you for all this." Karina shrugged out of one of her coats and draped it over Amara's legs. "I know you put in a lot of effort."

The blond laughed, bashfully turning her head away as she warmed up her legs beneath the thick material, "I'm still capable of being feminine once in a while."

"I don't doubt that." Karina's slender fingers entwined into the woman's short blond locks and turned her to look at her. She analysed her expression seriously as she seemed to do the same thing, a soft and seductive smile on her face, "But I'm certain of something…"

"What is it?" She asked as their faces inched closer.

"That you will look beautiful no matter what you do, as long as you're being yourself."

Amara smiled faintly though she felt uneasy by those words also. She was not scared by them and she did not doubt them entirely. Although, she often wondered to herself if any changes or adaptations she made would upset her partner.

"Whatever colour you want to portray, whatever colour you appear to be to my eyes, I'll accept it." Karina's lips softly fluttered over her own, a feeling akin to the touch of cool, soft petals. "But I won't accept you being black and blue."

Amara exhaled heavily. Pulled in briskly with acts of seduction and then so easily stepping into a trap; she sometimes wondered if she had learnt anything at all in her twenty-one years of living.

"So are you going to tell me what happened or what?"

"Can't we just have a pleasant night?" Amara leaned in, kissing the woman's wrinkles of concern. "I preferred where things were going before."

"I know you did." She wrapped her arms around her neck, then touched her cheek with the back of her fingers, "So tell me."

"It was a little scuffle with a bunch of guys at the track. It's not a big deal."

"You're really bruised, do you realise that?"

"It's only so dark because it's healing. It wasn't like that."

"Is there no one you can report them to?"

Amara scoffed, laying back in her seat as she turned away from the woman, "What am I? Twelve?"

"You don't need to be a kid to report that something is wrong."

She exhaled heavily and cast her moist eyes towards the never-ending sky, "Maybe…"

Chapter 3

With sweat seeping down her features Amara made her way up the stairs of her apartment, chucking the back of magazines and papers onto the couch as she went to the kitchen for a cool drink of water. She took a peak into the bedroom and found Karina still in bed; she rolled over to look at her once she half-entered. "Good morning." The brunette whispered, grinning cheerfully as she stretched.

"Good morning." Amara pressed a kiss to her forehead. "Slept well?"

"Yes, finally." It had been days since the woman could sleep without the violin playing constantly in her head, without notes burnt into her brain for memorising. "Have you been out already?"

"I went for a jog, bought some stuff, sat in the park to read…"

"It's only nine." Karina burst into laughter and rolled over to bury her face into the pillow.

"I'll be in the living room…with the magazines…and the papers." Amara gave a laugh of her own as she teased the woman, exiting the room.

It was a moment later that Karina seemed to get the hint and called her back immediately. Amara reentered with the bag in hand, turning it over onto the bed. "The top four are…not so good; you got amazing reviews in all the rest though." Surprisingly or not, Karina immediately reached for the top four and began to flip through them until she got to her picture.

Amara could only respect her for these things. She had the courage to do the things that she never could. Karina tackled all the negative things head on, with full force and always with the will and determination to try to fix the mistakes she would have made and better herself.

Amara didn't think that she was capable of doing those things for herself. She could only watch from afar as the woman she loved became accomplished and became better; growing as a person.

"Hey," the blond released a short gasp of surprise and then chuckled as she read through a different section of the magazine, "we both made it in here."

"Seriously?"

"Ambitious violinist Karina Collins ended her big night not out celebrating with her team but in the arms of her attractive partner Amara Lawson. While the two appeared to go about their usual public displays of affection they seemed prudish in front of the cameras, getting into Ms. Lawson's car promptly before speeding away." Amara chuckled, turning to her partner, "I don't like being called a 'prude'!" She leaned in and captured her lips promptly, "We'll have to give them a show next time."

Karina laughed, sinking her head into her partner's lap as she took the magazine from her, "They got a really good picture of us though!"

It was true. Karina was looking away from the cameras bashfully, a hand out of instinct appearing to touch a strand of hair that had flown out of place. Her other hand seemed to reach out for Amara though. One of Amara's hands was on her partner's hip and pulling her tightly towards herself in order to brace her against the wind and the dark streets.

"I think it's a sweet picture." Amara whispered in agreement.

"We don't have any pictures together, you know?"

"We have one dodgy phone picture…"

"With half our heads cut out." Karina laughed.

Amara took her phone out of her pocket and stared at the picture that she had long made her wallpaper. Karina also reached for the phone, clasping her hand over her partner's, "I like looking at it before I go to race."

Karina smiled faintly and then tilted her head further back to look up at the other, "I'm sorry I can't always be there to see you race."

"You're usually performing." She laughed with a shrug.

"Your next big race, when is that?"

"It doesn't matter." Amara tried to laugh it off though she got the woman off of her and then began reaching for her clean clothes.

"Tell me."

"The 16th." She stepped into the bathroom and began undressing, leaving the other to ponder the date. She knew what she had done by telling her and she didn't want her to feel upset about it so before entering the shower she popped her head back out into the bedroom, "You'll be away on your tour; don't worry about it."

For the whole time until Amara made it out into the living room, washed and dressed for the tracks, Karina was almost entirely silent yet apologetic. Even as they bathed together, even as they helped to dry each other off and as they changed, she was quiet and a little bit disappointed that her schedule had caused her to miss another one of Amara's races.

Amara touched her arm delicately as she leaned over to kiss her goodbye for the morning. Karina grabbed her arm before she could move again, moving their lips together in a more passionate motion. Her emerald green eyes displayed great concern as she stared up at her finally, "You have to be careful, alright?"

"You know I am."

"I also know you just…submit yourself to these things too."

Amara's shoulders slumped and she felt that familiar sizable load. "What do you mean?"

Karina seemed to imitate her own actions; her shoulders dipping. "You just…take the things that these people throw at you. You did that in your childhood, you did that when you were beaten by those people, you did it in school and you're doing it now too."

"I'm not making a fuss about this."

"You should! These people push you around because they know they can! Because you won't stand up to anyone!"

"This is not the same thing."

"It's not that different!" Karina crossed her arms firmly against her chest, "You need to be careful."

"I'm just fine."

That was the only time that Amara could bring herself to leave the house feeling frustrated and angry.

After hours of raging on the track and shredding up her tires Amara rested her hot forehead against the cold locker, looking down at her phone. There were no missed calls, no messages, no emails. Just the simple display of the young couple. Would things be the same once she got home? She never left their relationship like that. She hated it so much.

"A pretty little thing."

The voice that shocked her out of her thoughts and the hot breath that caressed her neck made her sick to her stomach. She spun around and pressed her back against the lockers to inch her body out of the older man's clawing hands. "Step away from me."

"Don't be like that…" The back of the man's index finger stroked back and forth over Amara's neck and feeling the odd sensation she twisted her head against it. Out of the corner of her eye she could see the other three men in the background, watching the scene unfold with much amusement.

"Get away."

Maybe Karina was right. Over the years, even despite her untrusting nature, she gave people too many chances. All the more chances than they ever deserved.

"I just want to change and go home." She forced her voice out in order to not sound weak to him.

"Do you want some help?" Without leaving time for a response, not that the man needed one, he began lowering the zip on her jacket.

Amara shut her eyes tightly and grit her teeth together for a second. As a cold hand snuck beneath her shirt and touched her flushing skin she opened her eyes, turned to the man and spat in his face, kneeing him in the groin. She got out of his hold for just a second before he grabbed at her arm and pulled her back towards him, throwing her over the bench. Her mind was clouded by the sudden thud but it did not take much thought to know what it was that was to happen next. As she turned around on the bench and saw the other men advancing on her all she could think about now was about how she wasn't just going to sit there and accept it. She wanted to fight. She may as well.

Chapter 4

As the whole ordeal came to an end and Amara was finally alone she made some effort in order to get herself partially dressed, enough to drive. She had no opportunity to assess the damage done to her body. She just wanted to get away from public places. Away from people who could talk to her or touch her.

When she thought that it had all been over another figure had been directed to give it a try and she was left alone with this last person; it didn't seem surprised and it took in her half-naked form. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut as she expected for the whole process to start again with one more person. Her will to fight had withered half way through. If she had the strength to laugh she would have at her own feeble attempt at feigning strength. Who had she been trying to fool? Herself? It was purely impossible to have the same amount of strength Karina did.

The only blunder the man was guilty of was standing so silently as those men did those things to her. He then leaned over her, having caused her breath to hitch in her chest. "It's alright." He draped a towel over her and reached to close her jacket. She could not see much more of him. She held the material closed and looked elsewhere.

When she arrived home she could barely make it up the stairs and when she stepped through the door Karina leapt off the sofa at the sight of her. "What…what the hell happened to you?" She'd barely had a moment to look at herself; she didn't think she wanted to, if she was completely honest. But for Karina to appear that shocked and concerned she assumed there were numerous telling signs. "Amara!" Her voice almost shocked her out of all her thoughts.

As she opened her mouth to say something words wouldn't come out. What would she say? She didn't want to say anything. She wasn't sure what it was she could possibly say. That she was right? She was. She most certainly knew that she was now that this had happened. Too late. That was when she realised. When it was too late. When Karina got closer it appeared as though no more words were even necessary. As she took in her entire dishevelled form and the expression in her eyes turned to horror she realised that she had completely understood what had occurred. Unable to see that look in her eyes, and unable to see the reflection of herself in those horror-filled pools, Amara walked past her and into the bedroom, closing the door firmly behind her.

It wasn't long before the pounding started, both of the door and of her head. As she sunk to her knees she buried her face between her legs and chest, willing the aching in her body to stop.

"Amara." Karina's voice sounded so soft and intimate through the door, though it seemed as though it was coming from just over her shoulder. "It'll be alright; open up."

Amara fisted her blond hair and wished for Karina's tender voice to stop. She just wanted to sit there and be alone until she could gather the strength to get up and take a shower. Her body had burnt with a fire stronger than anything she had ever felt, humiliation, and cauterised all the filth from the forced act to the entirety of her.

"It's okay…if you just want to sit there and cry. I can wait for as long as you need but…don't do anything stupid; don't try to clean up. We'll do the right thing; we'll go to the hospital and we'll file a report."

She shook her head and felt the tears pouring heavily from her eyes, throwing her deeper into her turmoil as she regretted releasing such weakness again. "I don't want to…"

"Don't let them win. Don't let them get away with it, alright? I know you're strong enough to do it and if you need the help I'll be right there with you."

She remained seated there in silence for quite some time, burying her face and soaking up her tears into her sleeve. She felt the strength in her legs going; anything below the waist turned into a dull ache before going entirely numb. She almost wished for the same to happen to the rest of her. She wanted to go to sleep. An eternal sleep and not have to deal with this. She tugged at the cross around her neck, cursing silently as she struggled for breath between the growing sobs.

After much time she began to work to force them to a stop; the urge to move on from the event that was replaying itself over and over in her head becoming more powerful. Her hands shook and she wasn't blind to this or ignorant to what she was about to do. She reached to unlock the door and pulled it open slightly. Karina peeked her head into the room, seated on the floor also, before she crawled towards the other and embraced her carefully.

***

Amara thought that the whole ordeal couldn't have been anymore humiliating until she got to the hospital. She knew that it wasn't meant to be that way; she knew that it was a delicate situation in which everyone was on edge and tried to comfort her. She didn't want that though. If they could look at her and be so saddened and horrified then what hope was there for her to get out of it? In the past few hours she had been an unwilling participant in the death of what little self-esteem and self-respect she had left. How could they be the ones that looked so defeated? If they could act like that when it hadn't been them then what sort of reaction was expected of her?

Throughout the invasive examination Karina stood behind her, her arms around her neck, her fingers stroking her shoulders gently and her lips blessing her forehead with soft kisses. As they finished tending to all her injuries and finished tests she vaguely heard something being said about the police. Warm blankets were draped over her and she buried herself up to her shoulders in them, feeling the gown doing an insufficient job of covering her up.

Karina caressed her cheek and then exited the room for a bit. Outside she found Shayne seated with a woman in uniform; as the nurse came over and instructed her to speak to her carefully the woman went into Amara's room to talk to her. Shayne handed Karina a cup of coffee, barely looking at her. "How is she?"

"Really quiet. I don't know if nothing has sunk in yet or if she's trying to be strong."

"She's a stubborn girl, isn't she?" He obviously had not meant to sound offensive, of that Karina was sure, but had Amara been there and been in the fighting mood she would have certainly defended herself against such an accusation.

"Extremely." She put her face into her hands and shook her head. "I can't believe this happened to her. I shouldn't have let her go back there."

"Do these people hassle her often?"

"I don't know; I've only heard of them a few times but…she keeps so much to herself. She's pretty good at it too."

Shayne sighed and draped an arm over her shoulders, pulling her towards him, "She'll be alright. I'll make sure we'll pursue this." Her mood could not be swayed even for just a second. He shook her lightly, pushing his comforting smile into her sight, "You did the right in thing in bringing her here; it would be difficult to do something about it if she didn't."

Karina's legs were shaking as she only thought about the woman on the other side of the door. She debated with herself continuously about whether she wanted to get up and go to sit by her side or if she should just wait until it was over. Amara wasn't exactly clear about what she wanted from her so it only left her to take some guesses.

"Are they going to keep her here or can you take her home?"

"They said she's physically well enough to go home but they'll keep her if I think she'll be better off here."

"For mental reasons?"

Karina nodded her head uneasily. "I hope it won't get to that point because…I know she's going to want to get out of here tonight." Her words were only shaky whispers, still they held some determination.

"Don't take on more than you think you can handle; if it's too much for you then explain to her that it's important for her to stay the night. You shouldn't be…"

Karina smiled faintly, the rolling of her eyes cutting off the man's words. She finally glanced over at him, "You don't understand, do you?" The man only stared back in confusion; he was finally thrown off entirely. Without a doubt he had expected to be patted on the back for his words but then she had the feelings of wanting to just hit him. "There are just some times when someone else matters more than yourself… There are times when you love someone so much that you don't care for the pain that protecting them will cause you…" She had not given much thought to her words but as the feelings began to swell the tears began to pour down her cheeks. "There are some people that are more important to others than themselves."

Shayne was left speechless. As Karina stopped she turned her head away with cheeks burning scarlet red as she wiped at them to get rid of the tears. They sat quietly for some time and then pretended nothing had happened. Much like they had through certain times in their relationship.

***

After she bathed herself thoroughly, keeping herself soaked to the bone for some time after her shower, Amara curled up into her side of the bed and buried her face into her pillow. She refused any dinner and, rightly so, didn't want to do any talking. As she was shaking hard even beneath the heavy duvet Karina began piling blankets up on top of her. She hardly felt comfortable getting into the bed beside her; she wasn't taking being touched very well.

Nonetheless, she did not feel comfortable leaving her alone and had no choice but to crawl in beside her. She inhaled deeply and lay on her back, glancing over at the other. "If you need anything, if you just want to talk, just wake me up, alright?"

Amara remained curled up on her side, clutching tightly at her body.

Karina inched a bit closer, rolling onto her side, "Are you going to talk to me?"

"What is there to say?" Amara asked in a whisper.

Karina lay herself back down, sighing, "That alone is an improvement."

Amara was sniffling back any more of her tears and began wiping at her cheeks. "Don't mind me."

"Is there anything I can do to help?" She sat back up slowly. "I…wish I knew what to do right now… If you could…maybe tell me…"

Amara could see that the woman was at a loss, but then so was she. "Go to sleep, please; I'll see you in the morning." She curled back up into a ball and tugged at the sheets to cover her face.

She gave a cry and woke with a start. She had sat up in one swift, sharp movement and squinted into the darkness. The whole world was black, but she felt something soft covering her body and the heat that now sat beside her. Her wide eyes, bright blue, adjusted to the lack of light slowly as she panted and gasped for breath, wiping a thick film of cold sweat from her forehead with the back of her shaking hand.

"Amara?"

She leapt with fright and tried again to steady her heavy breathing, glancing at the woman beside her. "I'm fine." Her words were of pure instinct; there was little meaning or conviction in them.

"Did you have a nightmare?"

"I'll be fine."

She went to the bathroom and cringed when she saw the state of her legs under the light, painfully reminded of what had been done to her. She returned to the bedroom in hopes of not being able to see the marks anymore but Karina had turned on the lights, sitting up in bed and waiting for her. That questioning gaze was arduous to look at. "What's the matter?"

"I wasn't feeling too good; there's some blood."

"You want to go back to the hospital?"

"No; they said it would be normal." Amara brushed her hair out of her face, feeling at a bump on her head. Her face contorted with pain and distaste so she turned her head away, hoping the other wouldn't notice. "Don't let me keep you up."

The corners of Karina's mouth tugged up a little. She leaned in and kissed the other's shoulder, shocking her out of her self-deprecating state. When Amara simply stared at her with wide eyes, shaking in her spot, Karina just flashed her a tender smile and then got a little bit closer. Very slowly she lifted her arms, keeping them where Amara could see them as they reached for her. She gave her a moment to protest the advances but there were none other than the increase in shaking. She wrapped them tightly around her slender form and pulled her down towards her chest. Although her shaking did not cease for some time Amara tried her best to relax in the warm embrace, placing her ear to the woman's beating heart. It was with the help of that steady almost musical rhythm that she was able to be lulled back to sleep before the sun came up.

When the morning finally came there was no strength in Amara's body for her to get up. She plucked her partner's pillow out of it's place and tucked it behind her head, elevating her enough to sit up a little. Upon passing by the room Karina finally noticed her having awoken. She gave a sad smile from the doorway, watching as Amara clutched at her head, "How are you feeling, beautiful?"

Amara exhaled softly, "Not feeling too beautiful." She whispered back shakily.

Karina got onto the bed and crawled to the top, caressing the woman's marred cheek. "You want to talk about it?" She only shook her head at her. For the moment she wasn't able to give a reply that was any more than that. "I made breakfast; do you want to try to eat now?"

She didn't seem to be hungry and since she made no reaction to the lovely smell wafting through the air it became obvious that she was not at all interested in the food. "I'll try."

Upon returning to the bedroom with the meal she was met with emptiness; the sound of the water running in the background. She sat outside waiting for her as patiently as possible, holding herself back from knocking on the door persistently with concern. Amara exited not long after, towel drying her hair and glancing away from the other's gaze with humiliation. "I needed a shower." She defended herself quietly.

"Okay." She didn't want to nag her about it and instead prompted her in the direction of her meal. "Don't push yourself too hard but you need to try to eat something." Amara didn't reply to her as she was still uncertain about every move she made. She simply ran her fork through the scrambled eggs and hoped that her appetite would return sooner rather than later. "Is there anything else I can get you?"

Amara kept her head low. She paused in moving her fork around her plate and playing with her food. What she wanted to say was on the tip of her tongue for a few moments but it took some time for her to confidently be able to get it out. "You…need to go on your tour." She looked up to see Karina's wide eyes, "I heard you earlier on the phone… You shouldn't cancel because of this."

"I don't think it would be a good idea for me to just leave." She tried to reason with her gently but Amara wasn't going to let her out of it.

"This…took a lot out of me." Amara confessed in a whisper. "I don't want it to take this away from you."

"There'll be other tours. I can postpone."

"The time is now. You shouldn't postpone it." Amara wiped her face in her sleeve, chewing on her lip as she pulled her tears back as much as possible. "I'm serious." She said, stiffening her posture. "You need to go. I don't want you to miss it."

Karina released a loud exhale. She was clearly not thrilled by the idea and was less likely to warm up to the idea as long as those sparkling tears were running down the other's cheeks. "Are you sure you can handle it?"

The tears wouldn't stop. They were traitors as far as Amara was concerned. The more she made an effort to fight everything off and convince the other that she was fine the more her body chose to betray her. She gave a curt nod despite the tears, "You need to go."

"You can call me back whenever you want…"

Amara shook her head, silently insisting that that wouldn't be necessary. Clutching her arms over her stomach she sat back against all the pillows, breathing uneasily, "I'm not very hungry." She stated, finally.

Karina didn't protest. She picked up the tray and took it to the kitchen out of fear that even the scent would cause the woman trouble. Upon her return she saw that the woman had not changed her position very much since she'd left; she lay curled up on her side, looking at the window where the curtains were still drawn mostly shut. Without much more to consider she crawled into bed beside her, draping her arm around her waist. She needed to force herself into a silence more powerful than the other. It was only in that way that she was able to leave the other to sort things out on her own. She had no heart to leave her by herself though. So she lay there, waiting patiently for the moment she would be called on to provide her with better support.

Chapter 5

Amara couldn't doubt Karina's surprise when she saw her, less than a week later, up and about the house and ready to walk out. "Where are you off to?"

"The tracks."

The violinist jumped, nearly dropping the precious instrument out of her hands. "What?"

"I have to get some practice in; I've got a race on the 16th, remember?"

"You're still going to do that?"

"Of course, why not?" Her words were void of any real feeling. She simply said it only as her mind reasoned it. She picked up her keys from by the door and walked over to the other, giving her a chaste kiss on the corner of her mouth. "I'll see you later."

"Amara, be careful!"

Amara flashed her a small forced smile and then closed the door behind her.

At the tracks she went around in circles for what felt like eternity. Today more than ever before she felt like the true freedom of rushing around the tracks was something that she enjoyed. Now more than ever she felt like she could be safe. Inside this steel shell of hers, going faster than anyone thought possible, she raced around the tracks and swerved in between the other familiar cars. She knew that what she was doing was angering them but she couldn't help it. As far as she was concerned there had to be an occasion in which they experienced some sort of humiliation from her.

Just to pay them back for the humiliation they had caused her only days ago. How could she let it go so easily? How cold she let it go when her own body would not give in to the healing of her wounds? How could anything else be on her mind when everything ached so painfully?

Finally the men sped off the tracks and out of sight. She breathed a short sigh. She was thankful and she wasn't at the same time. She knew that she was going to regret it and that her satisfaction was only for as long as she was running circles around them. Most certainly as her car would come to a stop she would return to the locker room and regret all her actions. So how? How had she been foolish enough to allow herself to do it?

She had no idea. She had no idea what had possessed her to do stupid things even after she had already gotten herself into enough trouble. Enough agony. It was like that when she was a child and it was like that even now. Her lips tugged into a self-loathing smirk, "Maybe I haven't changed at all…"

She pulled to a stop into the garage and rested her head on the steering wheel. Her hands clenched into fists and flashes of that evening shot through her mind, vicious and tormenting to both her mind and her body. Before tears could force themselves from her eyes she forced herself to sit back in her seat.

As she returned to the locker room she saw the men being escorted out by men in uniform. Upon instinct she stepped entirely out of their way. She couldn't even lift her gaze to them. It was only when she saw Shayne did she feel the question attempt to come out, "Did you…"

"With your help, of course." He replied gently.

"Did Karina tell you I was here?" She walked past him, avoiding all eye contact, and opened up her locker to get her things.

"I called her when I got the news of the results; she told me then."

Amara stiffened where she stood and once anxiety began to pass over her again she grabbed her things and made her way to a shower to change her clothes.

"You should probably get home… Karina sounded very worried about you." He called from outside, taking a few steps around.

"I'm sure."

"Are you certain you're alright? You don't want someone to drive you home?"

She felt herself swaying. The shock of seeing those men so closely again must have left a bigger impact than she'd realised. "Like hell." Amara stepped out of the cubicle and tugged on her leather jacket. "If there's anything I can still do it's drive."

"I wasn't trying to imply…"

"It doesn't matter." She circled the bench near her locker and kept her gaze averted from the man. She felt incredibly warm and her breathing tight in her chest; she did not need someone analysing her at a time like this.

"Was that where it happened?" He was looking to the very bench that she had been callously pinned to on that dreaded evening.

Amara's path was blocked by the man just standing there and his question made her less enthusiastic about having him around. "Get out of my way."

The man soon realised what he had done, having backed her into the room, and took a step aside, giving her room to leave and step out into the fresh air. As she did so, the young quiet man seemed momentarily surprised to see her; he quickly lowered his head and continued to head inside without a word. She arrived to her car, not without having noticed the man's reaction towards her and not without noticing Shayne still following her. "Do you need something?"

"Not particularly." He replied, smiling faintly.

As she unlocked the car and threw her things inside she feigned searching her pockets for something. "You can leave. I forgot something inside."

"If you need anything, I already told Karina too, you can give me a call."

Amara ran her fingers through her hair, locked up her car and then turned back to the building. Somehow she couldn't bring herself to speak to him; she wasn't sure what she should or desired to say either. All the words that came out of her mouth lately tended to give away things she didn't want others to know. Maybe being silent was a good idea…

As she reentered the locker room she found the young man sitting there on a bench in front of his locker. His head was hung very low and he was in a deep state of thought. "They got arrested…"

"I'm as surprised as you are."

"Why…didn't they arrest me?"

"Because, call me stupid, I didn't say anything about you. Even if I did, you didn't rape me; there'd be no evidence." She sat down as far away as possible, watching his back as it began to shake, "You've got far worse things to deal with. They…they will never feel guilty for what they did to me; they don't have the hearts to do it. You, on the other hand… You had enough heart not to do that…but not enough heart to stop them or…to call the police…"

The man dropped his head further forward, his shoulders slumping. "I'm sorry."

"It's far too late for apologies, isn't it?" Without her even realising, without caring enough to hold them back, the tears began to run down her cheeks. "You'll have to deal with the guilt of your actions forever; just like…I'll have no choice but to deal with this too."

"You…you have more courage than I do…"

"It doesn't feel that way. I think it takes more courage to be able to leave someone like that and deal with the guilt the rest of your life."

"You…come here and you live your life rather freely. I really admired that about you." Her blue eyes continued to brim with tears. They flowed freely and their pace began to pick up as she took in more of his words and was unable to deny the thoughts that came with them. She wondered if she could still have that courage. She wondered if she could ever have those fragments of courage to help her through. "I'm saying that I couldn't do it!! I've been here…far longer than you. I still couldn't do it!"

"You have no choice but to try to live as yourself." Amara told him knowledgeably, placing her head in her hands. "I've struggled with that fact for long enough now." And it took this kind of tragedy, she thought, to realise how close she was getting to understanding what it took to create her own happiness.

"It's not that easy."

"Living a lie isn't that easy either; if you're going to feel bad about the way you're living, at least live it the way you really want to."

The man dropped his head into his lap and his back displayed the sobs that began wracking his frame.

***

As she made her way through the door Karina bound towards her before she could even greet her. She'd barely had time to register that she had made it into the apartment before she was taken over by the girl's tight embrace. "I'm so glad you're okay. Did you hear from Shayne?"

"How…did he do it so fast?"

"He…said he would put priority on it." She pulled back slowly, looking up into the girl's eyes.

Amara pulled out of the arms and took a seat on the sofa. She lay back and willed her body to relax, staring up at the ceiling, "Ah…that explains it then."

"He said because there was physical evidence…they would manage to get a good enough sentence for them at least."

Amara shrugged her shoulders. "At least they can't do it to anyone else."

Karina's shoulders slagged. She walked over, seating herself on the coffee table in order to sit just across from her partner. She took her hand in hers, clasping it tightly. "I'm really sorry it happened to you." She released an uneasy sigh and lowered her head, "But if there's anyone who can handle this then I know it will be you."

The blond nodded her head vaguely. "I…spoke to someone today and…I found out that…they did it because I was in love with a woman."

Karina's eyes enlarged. Unnerved would be putting her feelings lightly as her heart fluttered and then stopped. Why? Why did they have to do it that why? Why did that have to be the reason? Why couldn't it have been anything else in the world? Why could it not be their own perversion? Their own need for dominance? Why did it have to be about the one thing that Amara had already been struggling with? "I…" She didn't know what to say to that but she wanted to try. Even so the words wouldn't escape her lips no matter how hard she tried.

Amara grabbed her hand tighter, tensing her upper body as she pulled her partner towards her, bringing her to seat herself in her lap. "So…please make the pain my body has endured worth it." She pulled Karina down for a quick kiss and as the woman relaxed in her partner's lap and released her weight on her Amara's face contorted to one of discomfort immediately.

"You're still in a lot of pain."

"I don't mind." She dragged her lips down her neck, breathing shakily. The tingles of the other's flesh was felt through her own lips. It was just the kind of excitement she needed. "I need you to touch me…please…"

Karina placed her hands on her hips, leaning in and kissing her back softly. She kept the mood light but hot, running her fingers against the occasional bits of flesh that she encountered. She smiled as Amara began to relax beneath her fingers. Her breaths would come out in short gasps and in little whimpers; it worried her at first but then she began to accept it as Amara's attempts at healing. As she ran the back of her fingers over her cheek she felt a hint of dampness and she reached with her lips to kiss the tears away.

Finding herself being lulled into a heavenly state Amara wrapped her arms around the girl's waist and pulled her towards her, holding her close until it was only her body that she could feel. Their hearts thudded hard against each other and echoed in her ears. She kissed the woman's neck over and over, enjoying the intimate moment for as long as she could keep the horrible memories at bay.

Karina then pulled back, breaking her away from the comforting warmth, "Let's go to the bedroom." She took her by the hand and waited for her to be capable of getting back up onto her feet.

Their intimate moments were silent. Only occasional questions passed Karina's lips and Amara sat there quietly, staring down at the flesh of her arms that had been darkened by bruises. They were limited to touching over clothing, unable to do much else as the woman would jump uneasily. This was enough for her. As long as she could feel the woman's hot lips and feel those hands caressing her lovingly then it would be enough for now.

"Thank you."

"For what?" Karina lifted her head from her shoulder, stopping tracing small patterns on Amara's collarbone with her finger.

"I…don't tell you enough… I thought it was about time to say it." Amara's eyelids fluttered shut. "So thank you."

Karina lowered her head to the woman's shoulder once more, listening to her heart beating in a quiet rhythmic pace. "There's nothing to thank me for." She whispered to the unconscious woman.

Into the night the rings on the doorbell became more and more persistent and after they gave up wishing that the pest would give up Amara went to the door and opened up. In the doorway was the young man, Fang, his eyes red and bloodshot. He released an uneasy breath and when she looked into his eyes he flashed them away immediately, glancing down wards.

"I've made a mistake." He confessed courageously.

Amara chose not to dignify that with a response. She didn't want to make things worse for him but she hardly had it in her to make things better for him either.

"I…want you to come with me to the police. I want to tell them that I was there and that I did nothing; I want you to tell them about how you knew but you didn't say anything about me."

"Why?"

"I want to pay for what I did. It wasn't fair and…I have to take responsibility for what I did and didn't do."

Amara took a step away from the door. She glanced over at Karina as she stood in the doorway of their bedroom, tightening her robe around her slim frame. "I'll get changed. I'll come with you." It was the only act of mercy she could allow herself to give. Becoming like them wasn't going to make her feel better about herself.

In the bedroom the changing of her clothes was overlooked by partner. "Are you really going to do it?"

"If it'll make him feel better…"

"Why are you so concerned about making him feel better?"

Amara dropped her shoulder as she gave up bending over to put her shoes on. "Because I don't want to become…bitter and cruel. I want to just…if he can become responsible…" She didn't know what she wanted to say or how to say it either. She dropped her head into her lap. Her lower body began to ache at the added pressure. "I don't want to live with this for the rest of my life. I don't think that I can let him live with it either."

"What makes him different from the rest of them?" Karina asked, curious as she approached. She seemed a little apprehensive. For the kind soul that she was she still expected this from her.

"I think…it's because I could have been like him if I didn't have you…" She finally slipped her foot into her boots and laced them up, pushing past the pain. "If I didn't have you I would be a coward and…I could have been just like him."

Amara could sense that there was no way for Karina to argue with her. They had occasionally gotten into the discussion about what would have happened if they had never gotten together or if they had chosen to separate once things got difficult but now that it was a situation in more context she found it difficult to argue her case like she used to.

Amara leaned in, kissing the woman softly on the lips. A flutter of discomfort rose in her chest but she forced it down as fast as possible. "I'll be back in a few hours; I'll be sure to see you off."

Karina nodded her head and kissed the woman back softly. "Drive carefully."

***

When Amara awoke to the empty bed she felt her heart sinking terribly. Exhaustion had overcame her the moment she got back late in the night; she had hardly been able to speak to Karina. Suddenly it was like someone had thrown her into the sea and left her to drown. That someone was no one other than herself. She had pushed Karina into leaving for her tour. If she couldn't have handled it she could have always told her not to go. Karina would have accepted it. She would have stayed behind.

That was the problem. Karina accepted it all with no problems. She didn't want that. At the very least if she had asked her to stay she would have wished Karina would have made her feel guilty about it. She needed to feel guilty for it.

She rolled over and now that she was finally alone she allowed the sobs to wrack her entire frame. Her mind needed to catch up to the rest of her body. It needed to begin its recovery or she knew that she would never heal otherwise. As her sobs forced her breaths and body to stiffen she felt the horrid pain of her bruised torso. She coughed as a breath tried to make it out past her sobs. It was painful, grazing the back of her throat. As the realisation of her state continued to dawn on her with each ache and pain her sobs got worse and some blood spluttered out onto her pillow beyond her control.

She steaded herself on all fours and willed the sobs to stop before she did herself any permanent damage. She stifled her sobs until she could bring them to stop, wiping at her soaking cheeks with the sleeve of her shirt. She struggled to the bathroom and turned the shower on, allowing the spray to cover up the sound of her cries and the steam to the sight of her vulnerable body from the mirror.

As she got under the hot spray and drenched herself from head to toe she forced herself to a stop her sobs and begin her deep inhales before she had a chance to suffocate herself. She forced a cough in order to get rid of any blood in her throat and wiped all the red substance off her body; all of which that had been dribbling down her neck and legs as an agonising reminder.

When she stepped out she curled up in a hot robe, comforting the ache inside her abdomen. Getting to the kitchen was a struggle but the thing that had caused her to almost tip over was the older woman standing at the sink washing dishes.

"Good morning." The woman spoke softly. She gave a sad sympathetic smile once she took a good look at her, "Perhaps not a very good morning."

Amara guessed that there were tell-tale signs of her true state. She had sobbed for so long and so hard that there was no doubt that her eyes were red and swelling; she already felt them telling her to sleep. Frankly, no one other than her partner ever saw her with an absolutely unmade face and hair, or without a decent outfit together.

She crossed her arms around herself and tugged at her robe and sleeves in order to cover herself up as much as possible. "I didn't know you were coming."

"I spoke to Karina late last night; when she expressed her concerns about leaving you alone for the tour I offered to come down and stay with you."

"She didn't tell me anything about this."

"She said there was little chance and she didn't want you to be more anxious." She lifted the lid on a plate, "I've made pancakes, would you like some?"

"One will be enough." She wasn't quite sure she would be able to handle even that much but she didn't want to start on the wrong footing with the woman already.

This older woman was Karina's mother. Not a bad woman by any means but she was a little bit...stern with Amara often enough. Amara in no means disliked her for it. She made good points and she could at least appreciate her for somewhat looking past Amara's gender. She had accepted her as Karina's partner even though she had without a doubt preferred someone like Shayne for her little girl.

She took a seat at the table as the older woman placed a plate in front of, popping two painkillers out of the film. "I'm just going to eat and go back to bed; you can go out if you want. You don't need to stay here with me."

"I drove most of the night; I will probably take the day to rest also unless there is something you want to do."

"Just...sleeping." As the thought came to mind about how tired she was feeling she felt the tears stinging her eyes one more. She ignored them as much as possible as she forced herself to finally eat. The more aware she was of the state of her body the more she just wanted to cry.

Two hands touched her shoulders and caused her to jump initially. She then willed herself to relax beneath the touch of the gentle mother. It was unusual to her. Although entirely unlike Karina's touch it still felt comforting to her. A different kind of comfort. "You've had a very difficult week; it's no wonder that you want to sleep."

"Karina told you everything then?"

"She did." She obviously saw no sense in lying to her; it was going to become obvious that she knew it all sooner or later. "You're going to be alright. I know you may not think so now..."

"I'll make the best of it." Amara cut her off. She was aware 'the best' was going to be nowhere near good. She knew she would be nowhere near the same as she had been before. Even now, days had passed and her hands alone had refused to stop shaking. Still, 'the best' of it was what she could at least try to offer. She left a sliver of pancake in her plate and then got up, wiping at her eyes. "It was very good. Thank you."

When she returned to her bed she crawled beneath the large number of layers in a desperate attempt of simulating her partner's body heat as she had begun to crave it again. Beneath the sheets she ran her fingers up her thigh in a delicate motion. As even that hurt she stifled her feelings and buried her face into the pillow. A few hours passed, some of her just lying there and some of actual sleep.

When she finally had the strength to sit up and take a proper look out the window she realised that it was already darkening. Today her body ached more than any day before; she only hoped that this was a sign that she was healing. Perhaps though it may have just been her body fighting her back for overdoing it the past few days.

"It's alright to ask for help."

"Mrs Collins, I...."

"It's alright to ask for help." The older woman persisted, cutting off her train of lies. "You need to realise that before you can really heal."

"Maybe but..."

"There are some people you can rely on. I know you have no real family but I'm sure if you can accept Karina...that alone may be enough to help you."

"She helps me enough all the time. I don't know if I can trouble her anymore with this."

"If you try to fight the people who want to help you then you may be causing them more trouble that way."

Amara hung her head as she knew that the other was right. The more she fought people off the more trouble she would be causing them and, probably, herself too.

"You feel like you're getting worse, don't you? You're bound to get a little worse before you can get better." She approached her with a bit more confidence and took a seat at the foot of the bed. "Now that you have less of it to think about and have stopped moving around your mind and heart is coming to terms with the events; it makes sense for you to feel as run down as you are."

"Even if I'm like this I'm not giving up. Honest."

"I'm not saying that you are. I'm saying that I don't want you dealing with it alone."

"I won't."

"You need to take advantage of what is available to you. When this happened to me I was no older than you are now and we didn't have the same opportunities you do."

"You…"

The older woman nodded her head and cut her off, the frown lines on her face deepening, "I've only started to get my life together in the past five years. Don't let that happen to you. There are doctors you can see and specialists you can talk to. I'm aware you don't have family but you have Karina. Years ago there was absolutely no one to talk to about these things."

Amara wasn't sure which idea shattered her morale the most. The idea of having possibly done the entire thing on her own or the idea of having to rely on strangers to give her the help she needed. She didn't like the idea of either one very much.

"You can deny the help all you want but it's not going to make it any easier on you to deal with."

Chapter 6

It was a chilling and frustrating experience to wake up to someone talking about you on the phone. One can't quite interfere because they are not a part of it but at the same time one can't quite help voicing their frustrations at being talked about behind their back. That was all Amara could think.

She had expected it though and as she heard the quiet chatter between Mrs Collins and her daughter she chose to keep silent, gripping her bedsheets to keep herself from storming into the living room and snatching the phone from her.

"She's not doing too badly I would say. The pain she's in is evident; I've told her that we could see a doctor if she'd like but she's insistent that she'll be fine."

Amara chose not to even imagine what Karina was responding with. No doubt a few curse words and frustrated responses. She laughed; she knew

"If she continues this way I will call a doctor to come and see her, just to make sure her physical state is fine. There haven't been any calls from the hospital so far."

The thought of the hospital caused the butterflies in her stomach to return. They were nauseating. Her mind went back to that night in the hospital. The worst night of her life that had come and gone.

"She ate some breakfast and some lunch. That is good news."

Amara touched her stomach lightly. She was glad that her effort to eat hadn't gone unnoticed, especially how sickened she felt at eating when she wasn't really in the mood. She thought though that she would never get better until she ate something.

"Don't worry too much about her. As long as I'm here I'll take good care of her." There was a short pause. "I won't push her too hard." She exhaled heavily, sounding a little offended having had such an accusation made. They wrapped the call up and it wasn't long before Amara heard the older woman walking around the house again, tidying up and making dinner.

Amara remained there the entire evening and enjoyed her sparse meal from her bed. When the morning finally came she found herself unable to move. The older woman was nowhere in the house and so she thought it safe to spend the day in the bed.

The evening of her second day without her partner came and she finally felt a little bit refreshed after she had spent the entire day in her bed. Somehow the older woman was surprised when she finally stepped out of the bedroom, looking fresh and vibrant as she had changed and clothed herself.

"I'm going out for some fresh air."

"A drive?"

"Maybe a walk…" She wasn't sure about the idea. She far preferred to drive than walk but her muscles felt so cramped that she was sure a walk would be more appreciated by her stiff body. "You could come with me if you'd like."

Soon enough they were out on the cool streets. They walked slowly and breathed in the soothing salty air in an attempt to clear their minds and bodies. "You're looking a lot better." Mrs Collins told her in a cheerful tone.

"I think I just needed the rest."

"I'm sure Karina will be happy to see you up and about once she returns."

"How is she doing? Other than a 'goodnight' text I've barely spoken to her."

"She's doing well; her nerves are still getting to her before she gets onto the stage but she seems happy with how well the tour is doing."

"I'll bet." Amara smiled widely.

"It's a good thing you asked her to go on with the tour… As much as I think it's a bad idea for you to push away the one person that can help you it's good that she could still do the tour."

"She's a very talented woman; I wouldn't dare let her pass up the opportunity."

Mrs Collins smile remained soft and friendly, very satisfied. "This is why I often tell myself that I can be satisfied with you as her partner."

Amara was a little surprised by that statement. Ever since Karina told her mother that she was in a relationship with a woman no matter how many times they met and how many times they spoke to each other they never discussed their relationship. Amara thought that maybe the woman overlooked the part that went on in the bedroom and just settled on thinking of her as Karina's best friend.

"I tell myself 'that being with a good person is better than just being with a man'."

"You…seem to dislike men but you wanted a man for your daughter?"

"I didn't want the heartbreak for her that came with remaining single all her life, or that came with being in a relationship with anyone other than a stable man." She cocked her head to the side, "And when she told me she was with a woman I thought she was going to get played around with."

"But you know now that it's nothing like that, right?"

"Yes, of course. I'm not blind or stupid; I can see how happy you make her."

"Don't you think that maybe I cause her more trouble sometimes?" They finally settled down on a bench and looked out at the ocean that swayed a great distance from them. The ocean spray reached them, tickling Amara's senses from their slumber. It was cold out tonight. "I know that I make her worry so much that sometimes I can't help but say that maybe leaving would be so much easier for her."

"You have a tendency to believe that in order to make her worry less you need to show her less. It's quite the contrary; if you show her less then she's going to worry more because she can see when you're hiding things."

"I feel like I lose no matter what I do." Amara heaved a sigh. It ached all the way into the pit of her stomach.

"That may be so but perhaps in one way you lose better than the other." When Amara could not respond to that the older woman nudged her shoulder gently, smiling sympathetically, "Speaking of winning and losing, don't you have a race tomorrow?"

"Yeah."

"Shouldn't you have gone for a drive then? Wouldn't it have been good for you to practice?"

"Probably."

"Now is not a good time to be giving up focusing on these things."

Amara smiled uneasily, "Don't you always worry about my racing?"

"I worry a bit too much sometimes, I'll admit that, but if you enjoy it and you're careful…"

"I'll be fine tomorrow."

"Aren't you getting too confident?"

Amara shrugged her shoulders, "I know that I can still do it."

"If you have faith that these things are the same then what are you so concerned about?"

What was it? What was it? She wasn't sure there was a straight answer to that. She was concerned about Karina; how Karina would worry about her now, how Karina would touch her and love her…

Would any of it be the same?

Amara lay there soaking in the bath even as Karina finally called her to talk. She was waiting for her, rather keenly, but she also dreaded this call.

"I can't wait to see you again." Amara whispered softly. "But...I want to look better by the time you get here."

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm better."

"You sound tired. Was it the race?"

"It was a tough race."

"Congratulations on coming second."

Amara smiled lightly; the news had travelled fast with the help of Karina's mother. "Thanks." She didn't want to tell her how she felt she had done so poorly. Her mind hadn't been on the track; she had no one but herself to blame for having done poorly. "Once I get some sleep I'll be a lot better."

"How are you healing?"

"I've still got a lot of bruises." There was no sense in lying to her; her mother would probably tell her and the chances of them all healing by the time she returned were very slim. "Hopefully they'll be gone soon; before you get here."

"I want you to feel better but don't push yourself too hard; it will happen when it happens."

By her tone of voice and by her choice of words she was incredibly concerned for her manner speaking and her thought process. Amara cringed. No matter what she did or how hard she tried she was always going to get it wrong. "Sorry."

"Don't be sorry." Karina whispered, laughing softly. "Try not to worry; I know you want it over but don't rush yourself."

She did want it over. She really really did. Though perhaps not for the reasons that Karina had first thought she did. She wanted to look decent for when she returned. She didn't want Karina to have to worry about the state of her mind or of her body. Although if she knew the woman enough, and she thought she did, she would most probably worry regardless of the physical traces.

"Karina…" She whispered softly, calling out her name. "I love you…so much."

***

When Amara exited the bedroom, towel drying her hair, she found the older woman packing up her small suitcase with a smile. "You don't need to leave so soon." She informed her. She knew that she had pushed this woman away frequently in the past few days whenever she felt upset but she didn't mean to push her out the door like that.

The older woman smiled widely, her sweet face breaking out into a few more wrinkles. "I need to be getting home." She closed her suitcase and looked up to the woman, smiling widely, "There isn't much else for me to do here."

Amara played with her hands nervously, glancing elsewhere. "I wouldn't say that…" She didn't want to admit that being alone would be both painful and crucial for her. She wasn't sure if she was ready. She wanted to tell her that she needed her and that maybe Karina had been right; it wasn't right to be alone. "You should wait a bit… I'm sure Karina will be happy to see you." She wanted to beat herself up for that. Why did she have to throw somebody else's desires into it? Why couldn't she just admit that she needed someone?

"I will give her a call. We'll make plans to meet in the coming weeks."

Amara took a seat on the arm of the sofa, nodding her head slowly as she came to the terrifying conclusion. "Okay then." She spoke in a soft whisper. It was going to take her a moment to come to terms with it and no matter what she knew she wasn't going to like it.

Mrs Collins placed her hand gently atop of Amara's head and watched as the tender gesture caused tears to spring into her eyes. "You'll be alright. You know now what it is you need to do."

The blond wiped the tears off her face with the back of her hand, pressing her lips firmly together and nodding her head. "Yeah, I do." She really did know. They had discussed it and she had thought long and hard about it by now. Her talk with Karina only confirmed it. It caused her heart to ache and it caused stress to resurface after she had thought she had drained it along with the bathwater. "Well…thanks for coming by, and looking after me. I'm sorry it took you away from other things and…" Before she could say anything else the woman tightly embraced her, pulling her into a warmth of safety that she was sure she had not felt before. As she embraced the woman back, a little uneasily, she thought that maybe this was what it was like to be embraced by a mother.

"There's no need to be so formal." She petted her hair gently, speaking to her in a soft and kind voice. "You will be okay…"

"Thank you."

The woman pulled back slowly and caressed her cheek, looking down at her as though she surely would her own daughter. "Take some time to recover, enjoy your time with Karina and keep doing what you love."

It was only because of the way she said it and what she did while saying it that Amara felt like that what she said could be the truth. She felt like that maybe it would be possible. Maybe there was a chance that it wasn't just a beautiful lie.

***

After a long day of travelling, an urgency to return to her home, Karina entered the apartment with not as much grace as people expected of her. She dumped her suitcase behind the door and stepped out of her heels, glancing around the apartment for her lover. Her heart raced a little as she had known that the woman would be alone today. The lack of contact between them made her think that maybe something had been wrong. She often thwarted her own fears though. There may have well been a perfectly plausible explanation for the lack of communication.

On her sore feet she tiptoed through the tidy apartment and peaked into the bedroom. In the large bed she found Amara lying beneath the thick covers, with one arm around her waist and one hand up to her face protectively she lay curled on her side. Karina laughed softly, crouching on the ground beside the edge of the bed, "How come you're sleeping on my side?" she asked, a fake scolding tone.

When Amara didn't stir at all Karina looked more closely, moved the few inches of blond hair out of the way and found the headphones tucked into her ears. She plucked them out and took a listen. She was met with the very familiar sounds of the violin and as she took a glance at the player's screen she noticed it must have been on repeat for a while.

She put the player aside and began to undress quietly, biting on her lower lip. As she slid her naked body into bed she rolled the woman over onto her back. She seemed utterly exhausted, her eyes a little swollen from crying but otherwise looking quite peaceful. She caressed her cheek with the back of her fingers, laying her body on top of hers very carefully as she got one of her arms to wrap around her.

Amara's bright blue eyes peaked out at her the moment she kissed her cheek and her jawbone. "Hey," she whispered, taken aback by the woman's intimate greeting.

"Finally," Karina whispered, smiling against her cheek, "I've been here a while."

Amara glanced at where she was. She had shifted in her sleep to take up Karina's side of the bed, inhaling her addictive scent in order to keep her tied down until she arrived. "I'll move for you. You must be tired." She went to sit up but Karina pushed her back down slowly, smiling as she touched her lips. "You're too cute."

A hint of red began to creep into the blond's cheeks, "No I'm not…"

"Did you feel lonesome without me here?" Karina brushed the growing strands of Amara's fringe out of her eyes, kissing her cheek when the woman averted her gaze out of embarrassment. "It's alright if you did. I can tell you missed me."

"It's true." Amara confessed quietly. She kept her hands by her side on the bed, grabbing at the sheets in order to keep herself from grabbing at the woman she desired. She thought it was too soon. Even if they remained like this she would be satisfied. "It really was lonely being without you…"

Though Karina had not expected such a forward confession from the woman she couldn't resist smiling immediately, "It doesn't matter. I'm here now."

"Talk some more…" Amara wrapped her arms around Karina's waist, tracing soft circles with the tip of her finger.

"Okay."

"More kisses too…please…"

Karina giggled softly, kissing her lips tenderly, "It's a bit difficult to do both at the same time, isn't it?" she teased.

Amara relaxed entirely beneath the woman, revelling in her company as she began to feel cherished and safe once more. She was kissed and kissed back, was loved and loved back.

"I love having you here." She continued to confess softly.

"I love being with you." Karina entwined their fingers together, clasping them tightly to remind her of her strong presence. Once she noticed something else that felt different she pulled back, staring at Amara's neck. When she caught the woman's concerned gaze she smiled and shook her head, not wanting to bring it up as she assumed Amara eventually would.

"Karina…"

"Hm?" The brunette had just laid her head gently onto her partner, smiling peacefully in the warm embrace.

"Will you…go for a drive with me?"

***

As they lay quietly under the vibrant blanket of stars shining down on them the two submitted themselves to more quiet time, each in their own little worlds. When Amara glanced over and found the other asleep in her seat, lulled to sleep by the ocean waves and the sight of the stars, she couldn't help feeling at peace. She leaned in and gave her a soft kiss on the corner of her mouth before pulling away entirely.

Despite deep into her rest Karina had felt the warmth come and go, a soft blanket being placed over her minutes later. As the car door shut with a metallic thud she felt herself shaken from her sleep. A little disoriented she took a glance at the now empty car. As she sat up and took a look around she couldn't see Amara anywhere. On the dashboard in front of her there was a small envelope. The name etched messily on the front of it in Amara's handwriting confirmed that it was for her.

She slipped the letter out with butterflies rising in her stomach. Her eyes scanned the letter, careful to take in each and every detail. It wasn't often that Amara confessed things to her. It wasn't often that Amara confessed things to anyone. She had accomplished confessions in words and now had put her confessions into writing. Karina's heart felt like it could burst from the overabundance and variety of emotions that she suddenly felt from the woman's letter. The raw feeling that came off each word, the shaking of her handwriting, the tears that had fallen into the page and spread the ink…

She ran out of the car and ran up to the edge of the parking area. "Amara!" Her voice was almost entirely swallowed up by the sound of the crashing waves and wind. As she peaked over the edge she saw Amara a short distance below, seated on the rocks with her legs extended over the sides. She kicked off her shoes in a hurry and took the small climb down to sit beside her. She searched the woman's gaze as much as she could, wondering what it was that had brought her to this.

"I got help this afternoon." Amara told her. The tears were pouring down her cheeks but she was smiling widely; she could not stand to look at the other though. "It was horrid…a whole two hours… But…maybe it did me some good."

Karina caressed the woman's damp cheek, giving her a soft encouraging smile. "I didn't know that."

"I didn't want you to… If I did it then I would have accomplished something. If I couldn't do it then nothing would have changed; I didn't want you to be disappointed in me."

"Even if you only manage once; I'm proud of you." She threw her arms around her neck and held her tightly to her, "So proud."

"Did you read my letter?"

"I did." She held them apart again and looked into her eyes, "I knew! I knew this whole time how you felt!" She gripped her face tightly in her hands, kissing her lips before she could burst into sobs, "You don't need to change. You just need to accept yourself."

"I can do that. I'm doing that now." She nodded her head firmly, over and over as she held onto her partner's shoulders. "Give me some more time."

"Of course," Karina pulled her to her again, gripped her tightly and entwined their fingers together once more, "of course, of course." She rocked the woman side to side, grinning against her cheek. "I'll stay here with you… It'll all be alright." Amara finally truly relaxed into the woman's embrace as she felt the woman accept her the way she was. As the waves crashed up and the water splashed at her body she felt it washing away all of her troubles, all of the filth of the past.