Table of Contents

             PART 1

             PART 2

             PART 3

             PART 4

             PART 5

             PART 6

             PART 7

             PART 8 and 9

             PARTS 10 and 11

             PART 12

             PART 13

             PART 14

             PART 15

             PART 16

 LESSONS

BY

 KIM PRITEKEL
with ALEXA HOFFMAN

Ebook by
 PDAFiction.com

 Disclaimers: These two may look familiar, but we all know they belong to me. Feel free to play for a bit though.

Subtext. What do you think?

Violence: Nah.

Note: For those of you who have been asking about Journals, it's in progress, and will be out.

 If you'd like to tell me what a wonderful writer I am or that I royally suck, feel free at:

 XenaNut@hotmail.com

 Thank you to some very observant readers who noticed my mistakes before I really got going. : )

LESSONS

PART 1

 July 1992
 Tucson, Arizona

           "I CAN'T, DAG. I just can't." I cried, hanging on to the side of the pool with everything I had in me. The overhead sun was hot, and it made me sweat underneath my orange floats around my biceps.

           "Of course you can, Chase. Come on. Swim to me." I wanted to cry, but didn't dare; not in front of my fourteen year old babysitter. She was new this summer, our first year together. Dagny was everything to me, my friend, my hero. She was so pretty and fun. I didn't want her to think I was a baby.

           "Please, can we just get out now?" I clung a little tighter to the side, glancing around until I saw the ladder just five feet away. I could try for it. Dagny would get mad, though. I don't want her mad at me.

           "We'll get out soon, hon. You said you wanted to learn to swim. What happened to that?" I looked at my babysitter again. She stood in the middle of the pool, her short blonde hair slicked back fromface, green eyes looking concerned. I looked at the part of her that was out of the water. Would I ever look like that? She wore a green bathing suit. My mom said she was going to be short when she grew up, but I didn't care. She was perfect. She knew so much about everything, and knew so manygames and fun things to do. My best friend Carrie wished she had Dagny as a babysitter, too.

           "I do." I pouted. I did want to swim, and didn't want to disappoint her, or make her sad at me. I didn't know what to do. "But I can't, Dagny. I just can't." Dagny swam over to me, standing right in front of me, but bending down to look me in the eye. She brushed some hair off my face. She said once that my hair was the darkest hair she had ever seen. That made me happy.

           "Honey, you never fail if you quit. But then you never win, either." She smiled at me, and I smiled, too. She had such a nice smile.

           "Okay." Her smile grew bigger as she backed away from me again. I can do this, I have to. I never want to let Dagny down. My mommy gets mad at me all the time because she says I don't try for her.

           I turned so I was facing the rest of the pool, taking a deep breath. I let go of the side with one hand, but wasn't ready to let go with both hands yet. Dagny smiled wider, giving me encouragement.

           "Come on, Chase. You can do it, I know you can." I nodded, not feeling at all as confident in my own ability as my babysitter did. I let go with the other hand, immediately wanting to panic as I felt my body drop in the water a little bit, the water clear up to my chin.

           "Oh, no! Dagny!" I really began to panic as I felt one of the floaties on my arm sliding down, my body lowering with it. "Help!" Water was going everywhere, up my nose, in my mouth and eyes. I wanted to cry, and felt my eyes stinging with tears and water. I felt strong arms wrap around me, bringing me up to the surface again and to the wall.

           "Shh, it's okay. I've got you." I cried, burying my head against her chest, so angry with myself. I didn't know how to express it to Dagny, so worried she wouldn't like me anymore and would stop being my babysitter.

           "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, honest."

           "I know, Chase. It's okay. Try again another time."

 PRESENT DAY
 University of Arizona

           "Yes, mom my room is fine. No, haven't met my roommate yet. Don't really want to, either. Why couldn't I just get a single? I know, I know. Yeah, see you guys next weekend. I love you, too. Bye." I pushed end on the phone and plopped down on the narrow mattress.

           I had been in the dorm for an hour and already my mom was trickling into my college life. She had called me on this cell phone nearly every five minutes on the drive here, which wouldn't be bad except it's only just over a half an hour drive. Personally I thought she kept calling to make sure I was actually going to the university and not pull off on some side road to join the local circus.

           I thought about going to school out of state, but didn't really want to be here in the first place, so didn't want to waste anymore of my parent's money than I had to. I was lucky enough to have folks in a position where they could help me as it was.

           I was a bit of a black sheep in my family. My older sister, Carla, the apple of my father's eye, was going to the University of California at Berkley to follow in his footsteps and get her medical degree, my father, a pediatrician and my mother an administrator at my old high school. The Marin's were quite educated, and happy to be so. But not me. Chase Marin was known as the "lacking" one in the family. I love my family, don't get me wrong. I just didn't like the way they felt a need to push me in directions I really didn't want to go in.

           Hell, I'd make them happy and go to college.

           I grabbed the largest of my two suitcases and tossed it onto the bed. Looking around, I saw that both of us, my roommate and I, had one dresser each, and a tiny closet at the foot of our beds. Good thing I packed light. As I re-folded a shirt, the small phone rang out to the tune of Beethoven's 'Ode to Joy'. My mother had bought the phone for me, which I had been happy about, but now it felt like more of a leash than a device for added freedom.

           "Hello?"

           "Hey, babe. What's up?"

           "Hey, Mike." I sat on the bed, a small smile coming to my face at the familiar voice of my boyfriend. We'd been dating semi-serious for nearly a year, and my parent's thought he was the greatest thing since Swiss cheese as he was already a student at UA, and they figured he'd be a good influence on me. If only they knew he was nearly on academic probation. "I'm just unpacking." I dropped the shirt to my lap as I sat down on the bed.

           "Hey, want to go out for something to eat? I've arranged a party later tonight to celebrate."

           "Sure. Celebrate what?"

           "Whatever."

           "Great. Sure, count me in."

           "So who did you get as a roomy?" I could hear the smile in his voice, and could imagine the smirk on his face.

           "Hell if I know. She hasn't bothered to get here yet. She can stay lost for all I care. God, I don't want to be here." I flopped back, staring up at the ceiling, dirty marks around where posters used to be. I wondered what they had been of.

           "I know. Your folks are happy and won't give you shit, so suck it up."

           "Yeah, thanks. You're no help whatsoever."

           "I do my best. I gotta run, just wanted to see if you got here since you called and everything."

           "Sorry. I forgot." I rolled my eyes.

           "Later."

           "See ya." I ended the call, turned the phone off. I didn't want to be found, just wanted to crawl into bed and sulk all alone. I glanced toward the door, spotted my guitar case standing against the wall. Without a moments hesitation, I got up and grabbed it. Melo, my trusty acoustic in hand, I sat on the floor, positioned my fingers, and began to play, softly humming along.

           As night fell, I finished putting the last of my clothes away, slamming the dresser drawer closed with my hip and heading to the mirror on the back of the door to the room. Mike would be there soon, so I figured I should start getting ready to go. My hair, that I had let grow out since I chopped it last summer completely freaking out my parents in doing so, was now to just below my shoulders. I gathered it up in my hand and tied it back into a ponytail. I stared at my face, my eyes reflecting back at me. Mike loved my eyes, saying they were an awesome shade of blue. I didn't mind them. The only one in my family to have such light eyes, everyone else having hazel or brown. I swear my mom and the milk man have some serious explaining to do. She says no, but who knows.

           I decided to change out of my grubby, comfy jeans and put on a pair of cargo shorts and tank. It was still ridiculously hot out, and I was anxiously waiting for fall and winter to take some of the heat away. Slipping my tennis shoes on, I was ready to go.

           I reached for the doorknob only to have my hand nearly whacked off by the door itself. Stunned, I took a step back, cradling my hand against my chest. A head appeared around the door, eyes wide as saucers.

           "Oh my goodness! Did I hurt you?"

           "Well, I think it still works." I wiggled my fingers around, moving my hand up and down at the wrist. "Who the hell are you?"

           "Oh," the girl stepped into the room, her hand to her mouth. "You mustn't say things like that."

           "Like what?" I put my hands on my hips, ready to pounce.

           "Hell is a place, not a word to be thrown around." You've got to be kidding me. The girl pushed the door open fully, standing there with a large duffel bag and two suitcases. She wore a dress, sleeveless, hanging on her stick-thin body ending just above her ankles. A large silver cross was hanging from a chain just above her breasts. "Hello." She smiled. "My name is Natalie."

           "Um, hi, Natalie. Chase." I extended my left hand, not wanting to chance her doing any more damage to the other one.

           "Oh, you're a southpaw just like me." She smiled, her brown eyes twinkling. I looked down at my hand, wondering what the hell she was talking about. She wiggled her left hand for me and I smiled.

           "Uh, sure." So was Hitler. "Look, I gotta get going. My stuff's all unpacked, so anything left is yours to take."

           Okay. Thank you, Chase. That's very nice of you." She smiled again, the biggest damn smile I'd ever seen. What was this girl on?

           "Later."

           I closed my eyes as the satisfying taste of the Mich as it slid down my throat.

           "Ahhh. Oh, that's good." I smiled at the bottle in my hand, denied for nearly two weeks as my parent's had taken me on a short vacation just before school, watching my every move and consumption.

           About ten people had shown up so far at Mike's apartment that he shared with his friend Mario. They had a party every semester to get things going, and it was just a matter of time before everyone else showed up. That's how we has met, I had come to the party last year with my friend Carrie. She knew a friend of a friend of a friend of Mike's, and had introduced us. Carrie sat next to me, her eyes closed as she exhaled, a puff of white smoke escaping her mouth. She smiled and looked at me, extending her hand to me. I took the small white roach and took a drag. I cringed as the harsh smoke burned my lungs and throat, couching slightly. I rarely did pot, but felt the need to tonight. I handed the joint to Mike and leaned back in my chair.

           "How do you feel?" she asked, bringing up her hand to the girl next to her, running her fingers through her hair.

           "Okay, I guess. That shit tastes funny tonight, though." I glanced at Mario who had just taken a drag. "They better not have put anything in it." Carrie shrugged, her short red hair falling into her face.

           "Who knows. Right now I don't really give a fuck." She reached over to the girl who's hair she'd been playing with, and grabbed her, bringing her face to her own, their kiss large and sloppy.

           The party had been going on for quite a bit before I got there. I had promised myself I would try to bring my partying to a decent level, nearly getting kicked out of high school my senior year for going to school drunk too many times. I had been so ashamed at the look of disappointment on my mom's face. She had handled it well, taking me to my Saturday school class every time, not letting the lectures get too out of hand. They had done so much for me my entire life the least I could do was keep my promise.

           "Here." I looked at Mike who was handing me the joint. I took it, stared down at it, then shook my head, handing it to Carrie when she finally finished her impromptu make out session.

           She smiled at me, happily taking the small joint from my fingers. More people began to show up, the party swinging fully into action. With a smile I downed the rest of my beer, grabbed another, and began to mingle.

           Why is it that parents feel the need to tell their children about all the dangers in the world, sickos, zits, periods, how to clean out the fish tank but they never tell you about hangovers? I stumbled up the last set of stairs to find my dorm room, my hand sliding along every wall to help steady myself. I was so glad Mike lived within walking distance of campus. There was no way in hell he could have driven me home and us make it alive. I grinned like an idiot; my mom would have been so proud.

           I dug in my pocket for the key to the room, figuring that Natalie was more than likely asleep at, I glanced at my watch then glanced again. Couldn't read it. Hell, who knew what time it was.

           After the third try, I managed to get the key in the hole, turned it, falling in with the opening door. The room was dark, smelling of fresh soap and shampoo. I glanced at my roommate's bed just in time to see her on the ground, kneeling beside her bed.

           "Amen." She stood, climbed under the sheet, her long nightgown looking terribly warm to sleep in. Within a few moments she was asleep, and I stumbled to my own bed, realizing I hadn't bothered to put any sheets on it before I had left. Shit. Deciding sleep was more important than being appropriate, I plopped down face first, and was out.

 *  *  *

           Classes were set to start, and as I rushed around campus to find my first one, I realized this wasn't the auspicious beginning to my year that I'd hoped for. I pulled my backpack on a bit higher as I ran.

           Breathless, I leaned against the doorway of Dr. Bordeux's Advanced French class. I had taken French during my entire academic career thus far, falling in love with the language as a young child. This was one of the few things that I really looked forward to at UA.

           Everyone was already settled in, some talking to the professor. I tried to sneak in, to no avail.

           "Excusez-moi, manque. Est-ce que je puis vous aider?" he looked at me expectantly. His hair, once dark, was beginning to gray, the shirt he wore pressed and starched, slacks impeccable along with newly shined Wingtips.

           "Yeah. I belong in this class-"

           "En français, s'il vous plaît." He put a hand on his hip, looking at me with disdain.

           "Oh, sorry. Of course in French." I cleared my throat, taking a step toward his desk to explain that I did belong in his class and was sorry I was late.

           "Je vous laisserai cette fois, mais pas encore. Learn to show up on time."

           "I'm sorry, Dr. Bordeux. It won't happen again."

           "It better not. Get in here."

           I took a seat near the back of the room, my usual place, looked around to see who I was surrounded with, and would be stuck with for the next few months. We had a pretty good mixture of your bookworms, outcasts, etc. I wondered if I'd make any sort of connection with any of these folks. I always did that, no matter where I was. I always wondered what went on inside their heads, what they were thinking and why. What made them tick? Would they like me? Why or why not. Why were they here, for what purpose-

           "Listen! Vous devez écouter et cesser de parler." He looked at me. He and I were not going to connect, just had that feeling.

           As the class continued, I realized the Bordeux knew his stuff, but took no crap. As long as I paid attention and did my work, we'd be fine. Part of me couldn't keep the slight grin off my face. It felt good to be apart of something again. For so long I had been disjointed, not caring, or caring but about the wrong things. The faces of my three friends flashed before my eyes, their names never forgotten on my tongue. I'll never forget that night, either, the night that really started to wake me up to where I was headed.

           Brian, Toni and Heather had all been driving home from Rick's party. I was supposed to go but had come down with the flu. I have never in my life been so happy to be sick, nor will I ever feel so guilty, either. Brian had been driving, his Range Rover heading down the highway at a speed of sixty-two miles per hour, the driver and the other two drunk and high, a water tanker coming the opposite way. The driver couldn't react fast enough to the SUV that had drifted over to his side of the road, the heavy tanker, like a tank, not real maneuverable. There had been nothing he could do.

           I had found out about it that night, my mom waking me up to tell me the tragic news. It had taken me so long to get over the loss and the realization that I would have been in that car with them, not one of them surviving. I had been devastated, having grown up with all three, going to preschool together, and then on to elementary, middle and finally high school. Heather was supposed to follow me and Carrie to UA. Not to be.

           I made my way to a campus cafeteria, not having to head to my next class until noon. Carrie was supposed to meet me, and I just hoped she could find the place. Often she couldn't find her way out of a paper bag.

           "Hey, you." I turned, glad to finally see a familiar face. I wasn't real keen on a bunch of strangers.

           "Hey. I was just wondering if you were going to show up."

           "Ha ha. Yes, I found it, and yes I'm late. So sue me." Carrie sat in the chair opposite mine, dropping her bag on the table with a thud. "So how are your classes going so far?"

           "Well, I've only had one, and so far so good, I guess. It's just going to be a long year. Two hours of Dr. Bordeaux at a time, I may just have to kill myself. You?"

           She shrugged, her long earrings making little tink, tink sounds against each other as she moved. "Okay, I guess. I've got some asshole for Bio. But, I guess that's what happens when you're a Freshman. God, I hope I get through the year without fucking killing anyone. Hey, you gonna go to Mike's party tonight?" I shrugged, sitting back in my chair.

           "I was just sitting here thinking about Brian and Heather and Toni. So sad, you know? Me and Heather were supposed to be roomies. Instead I got Mother Theresa. Not happy about this."

           "Yeah, it's sad. If you're going to be stupid though,"

           "Come on, Car." I sat up in my chair, leaning my elbows on the table as I looked deep into my friend's blue eyes.

           "Do you really think they thought that party would be their last? I don't know." I sat back with a thud. "I just wonder about all of us sometimes. Is it right?"

           "Your mother would absolutely be having an orgasm to hear you talk like this, you know."

           "Yeah. I know."

           "Come on, Chase, baby. Don't let me down now that we finally have some fucking freedom." She looked at me for a long time. I wasn't sure what she was expecting me to say, so I just shrugged. "Come on. Let's get something to eat. I'm so hungry."

           We found a place that sold pizza, and got in line. I leaned back against the railing that separated the lines of the place, my hands dangling on the other side as I looked around.

           "So who was the chick from the party?" Carrie shrugged.

           "Hell if I know. I don't even know her name now. I think it starts with a D or something. Darla? Doreen? Fuck it. I don't know."

           "Is she your newest squeeze?" I grinned.

           "Hell no! She was just fun that night, and not even all that fun." She pulled out a small mirror out of her bag, looking at her face. "Shit, my make-up is melting." She pulled out a Kleenex, wiping the heavy eye shadow off before it streamed down, quickly applying new color.

           "My god, you're obsessed." I shook my head in wonder.

           "Yeah, and?" she put her menagerie of make-up away, and looked at me with a dark red smile.

           "How much do you spend a month on that shit?" I waked forward as the line moved, taking my same stance when we stopped. Again she shrugged.

           "Too much."

           "So what is it this week, Car? Gay, straight? You confuse the crap out of me."

           "Yeah. Adam asked the same thing last night. I don't know. I guess it's just whatever  see, whatever gets me going, you know?"

           "I guess."

           We had finished our lunches, and Carrie had to hurry to her next class. With nearly an hour remaining, I hung out, pulling out a piece of paper deciding to write a little. No one had ever read any of my poetry, nor heard any of my songs. I had yet to meet someone that I thought was worthy of that honor. Actually, I was just chicken. I didn't think anything I did was any good and couldn't take the criticism for something that had come from the heart.

           I hummed out the music as I re-read the lyrics I had written, words about how alone I felt, about how I wondered where exactly I was drifting. How life can make you feel like you're being swallowed up and spit out whole. Don't get me wrong. I'm not one of those depressed, let's go jump from a bridge to make a point kind of teens. Nope. Just confused about life.

           I glanced at my watch.

           "Shit." Well, two teachers would be getting the wrong impression of me today. I hurriedly jammed my notebook and pen into my bag and ran out of the cafeteria, headed for Psych 101.

           By the grace of God I managed to make it in the door exactly at 12:00. I may have been out of breath and wanting to faint, but I was there. I found my seat in the back row, glancing around at the handful of students that were already there. It appeared that to be on time in this class was the rarity.

           I took out my notebook and continued to work on my song, staring off into space as I heard the tune in my head once more. I could play this one on the piano, or the guitar. I was sure they had a piano here somewhere. Maybe I could coerce my folks to bring up my keyboard when they came up for Parent Weekend that was coming up in a few days. It was pretty big and I wondered if Natalie would mind.

           "Hello, everyone. I want you all to close your eyes." My eyes shot up at the sound of the woman's voice. At the front of the room stood a surprisingly young woman. I think I had read a grad student taught this section of Psych. "Come on, don't just look at me like I'm crazy." That got a couple of chuckles, but everyone closed their eyes. I kept one slightly open. Did I know her from somewhere? "Now I want you to imagine that there are no mental hospitals. I want you to conjure up a picture in your head, and imagine that the person you're sitting next to is absolutely crazy, I mean a real loon." She looked around at all of us, arms behind her back, slightly rocking on her heels.

           I lowered my chin to the desk so I could get an even better look at her without her seeing me. She had blonde hair, just below her ears, but all one length. She had one side tucked behind her ear revealing a simple gold hoop earring. She wore a light green sleeveless top, her skin tan with arms that looked well toned. Her white slacks were well fitted without being tight. She looked comfortable.

           "Okay, now open your eyes. But don't tell me what you saw or thought of. I want you to think of it as I take role. Oh, since we're on the subject of names, I'm Dagny Robertson, you can call me Miss R or Miss Robertson. Up to you. I'm a grad student here to get my masters and doctorate simultaneously in Psychology. Okay," she grabbed a list off the podium and began to call out names. I listened for a second before her voice faded out in my mind, and I began to try and figure out what this feeling of familiarity was. I know I had heard that name before, but for the life of me couldn't remember where.

           "Hello? Chase Marin? Earth to Chase?"

           My head shot up as did my arm. "Here." She smiled.

           "Good to know." She looked at me, her eyes narrowing for a second, cocking her head slightly. It almost looked like she was in the middle of a thought, shrugged, then went on with the list.

           Once she finished with role, she walked out from behind the podium and began to walk the aisle, looking at different people as she did, asking them questions about what they thought of and why. "Okay. You all have come up with some pretty good ideas and thoughts about the world of the insane. What you don't know is that about a third of our walking population would be considered mentally ill in some way." She looked at all of us to see what we thought about that. There were murmurs and chuckles quietly throughout the class. "Pretty amazing, isn't it?" The girl next to me raised her hand. "Yes?" she walked toward us.

           "So how many of us in here could be considered crazy?" Miss Robertson brought a finger up to her chin, tapping as she lost herself in thought. Suddenly, unexpectedly, she lurched at the girl, hands out wide, eyes open with a scream. "Jesus!" the girl screamed.

           "Nope. Just crazy." The TA laughed as she patted the girl's shoulder. "It could be any of us, really." She told the class. I watched her, listened to her talk. I could not shake the feeling of déjà vu I had. It was creepy.

           As Dagny continued on, the feeling intensified. What she had to say was very interesting, and she obviously knew her stuff. She was amusing and intelligent. But I still couldn't shake it. She had the slightest bit of an accent, one that I had heard before. Was it Texas? More south?

           Finally the class was over, and everyone was getting their things together, including me. I stood, slinging my backpack over my shoulder, headed down the aisle toward the door. The TA stood by the podium talking with students as they passed, or those who stopped to talk with her. I got closer and closer, looking at her without trying to make it obvious. She was talking with another student, but her eyes fixed on me, and she gave me the slightest bit of a nod as I passed. Confused, I headed to my next class.

 *  *  *

           Mike sat across from me, his hamburger in hand as he chewed some fries.  "What's her name?" he mumbled around the food.

           "Robertson. Dagny." I said, absently playing with the straw of my Coke.

           "So what's the deal?" he swallowed the bite, wiped his mouth with the napkin then took a massive bite from the burger.

           "God, that's gross. Your mouth isn't even big enough for that." I watched in amazed disgust. He grinned, mashed food seeping out between his top and bottom teeth. "Yeah, I'm impressed, you pig." I sipped from my drink, my mind still wandering through people I've known and seen. "Just can't figure it out."

           "Why don't you ask her?" I shrugged.

           "I don't know. Don't want to look stupid, I guess." I sighed. I had been accused of being a dweller before, and I was proving that they were right on now. Finally deciding it didn't matter, I finished my dinner.

           "Well, I talked to Doug today, and he wants to hear you sing."

           My head shot up, my eyes accusing. "Mike! You promised."

           "Come on, Chase. You're so good. Please?" he gave me his puppy dog eyes, which by now he should know did nothing. I sighed.

           "Shit."

           "You know you want to do it, so why don't you? I'll be there, too." I lowered my eyes, and he lowered his head to try and catch them. "It'll be just me and Doug, honest." I looked at him, sizing him and his sincerity up.

           "Fine. But only one song."

           "Yes!" he stood, quickly pumping his fist in the air.

           "You're embarrassing the shit out of me, Mike." I mumbled, looking at everyone looking at him. He sat in his chair, a childish smile on his face. He ran a hand through his dark hair making the normally unruly look even more unruly. "Get a hair cut."

           The garage was small and stuffy, the air hot and heavy. Mike sat with the bassist in their band, Casually In Debt, or CID as it was affectionately known. I stood with the mic in front of me, millions of songs running through my head, trying to figure out what the hell I wanted to sing, Melo in my hand. God, why was I doing this?

           "Okay, Chase, any time you're ready." Doug smiled at me, gathering is mid-back length hair to bring it up on the sides in a ponytail at the crown of his head, the hair underneath shaved. I sighed heavily, then took a step toward the mic. I closed my eyes and let the song flow out between my lips.

           "Hey, Jude," as the song went on, I felt myself become lighter and lighter, my eyes never opening. I had never really sang for people before, but as the song took hold, my hands strumming along, the nerves died at the tip of my tongue, lost in the words and meaning.

           I drug out the last chord, slowly opening my eyes. Doug and Mike sat in their seats, neither moving or saying a word. Finally Doug cleared his throat.

           "Wow. Sign on the dotted line." I grinned, my shyness coming back tenfold. "Welcome." He stood, walking over to me. "How do you feel about being our new lead singer?" I looked at him, eyes wide in surprise.

           "Wait, I thought I was just coming to audition for backup?" I looked to Mike for guidance.

           "Well, initially you were. There's no way I can let you go, though. Shit, no way." The guitarist turned to my boyfriend, a huge smile plastered to his face. He reached up and stroked his goatee, smiling. I smiled back, not sure what to say.

           The dorm was quiet, everyone wanting to start the year with good study habits and decent bedtimes. I knew it was a matter of time before that changed, but for the time being, it worked. I put my key into the lock and opened the door. It was only near midnight so Natalie was still awake, studying at her desk. She turned to me with a smile.

           "Hello, Chase. Thank goodness you're okay. I was beginning to worry." I smiled as I changed for bed.

           "Nope. I'm fine. Just had an audition to go to." My roommate quickly looked away when she realized I was taking my shirt off, her nose buried in her text book.

           "Oh? An audition for what?" hearing me slip into bed, she turned to look at me again. I laid on top of the sheet in a tank and pair of boxers.

           "For a band. I guess I'm their new singer." I said, bringing my hands up behind my head. I stared at the one single poster I had hung up, a poster I had gotten at a Melissa Etheridge concert last summer. That had been so much fun, and my first taste of the great one.

           "Really? You sing?" Natalie turned her chair around to face me fully, her hands clasped in her lap, silver cross catching the light from her desk lamp. "I saw your guitar the other day. You play?"

           "Yup."

           "Oh, thank you, Lord." She smiled up at the ceiling. I looked up to see what she was looking at; only water stained tile. I looked back at her. "Our bible study group meets every Tuesday night to worship, and we're talking about, see I'm the president of our little group, we're talking about bringing musical guests in to entertain us."

           Oh, lord. I saw where this was headed. I steeled myself for the question.

           "Would you? I mean, could you sing and play for us, Chase? Please?" she brought her hands up, clasped together as she begged.

           "Well, I'm not that good, really," I stuttered.

           "Oh, I beg to differ. If you made the lead singer of a band, I bet you're a wonderful singer. And to have your very own musical instrument, that is a gift from God, Chase. Please share it?" I looked at her, her big doe eyes begging me. How could I possibly say no to that?

           "Okay. You get me music a head of time so I can lean some, and I'll do it."

           "Oh!" Natalie jumped up from her chair, ran over to the bed, nearly throwing herself on me as she gave me a massive hug. "Thank you, thank you, thank you. Bless you, Chase. That is so nice of you." She stepped away from the bed finally, smiling down on me as if I was a saint myself. "I must go to bed now. Early class." She switched off the desk light, and I scooted down on the bed, fully expecting quiet as we both went to sleep. Not to be.

           Natalie grabbed two towels from her little closet, folding them both into perfect padded little squares, placing them just so on the ground, then kneeling down, a knee on both towels. She clasped her hands together, closed her eyes, and began to mumble her prayers. I watched her, absolutely amazed. I thought I heard my name spoken, then she turned to look over her shoulder at me, that huge smile firmly in place before turning back to her bed, elbows resting on her mattress. She mumbled on for a few more minutes before startling me with a loud, "Amen." She climbed into bed, and not another sound was heard out of her.

 *  *  *

           I re-folded the wash cloth and stuck it on my forehead again. The weather seemed to be getting hotter the closer to fall we got. I didn't understand this for a second.

           "Does it need to be sprayed down again?" Carrie asked, the water bottle in hand just in case. She had just finished spraying herself down as we sat on campus under a tree, the only immediate shade we could find. It was way too hot, today's temperatures reaching the one hundred mark, and the dry desert air didn't help.

           "Why did my parents feel the need to live in an oven?" I wondered aloud, laying back on the grass, the wet towel cooling off my head. We had our usual break between classes for lunch, and decided to have a picnic.

           "So tell me about this TA of yours again. What's the deal with her?" Carrie asked, taking a bite from her taco.

           "Well, I don't know. She just really looks familiar. Can't place it. Don't you hate that?" she nodded, wiping some cheese from her lip.

           "She cute? I mean you said she's young, right?" she took a drink from her Sprite, wiping her mouth again. "I've never had sex with a teacher-type before." She stared out over campus, the wheels in her mind smoking away.

           "That is so wrong." I pushed her shoulder. She smiled and shrugged.

           "Hey, if she's cute."

           "She is." I readjusted the towel to accommodate a sip from my Gatorade.

           "Hey I heard about you and CID. Congrats." My friend smiled one of her huge grins for me. "I'm so happy for you, Chase. You're so good, it's about time you did something with it." She crumbled the trash from her lunch and tossed it into a near-bye trash can before reclining next to me, arms above her head.

           "Yeah, well I'm not so sure what I think about it." I sat up, pulling my knees to my chest, wiping my forehead with the towel that was quickly drying.

           "You're going to do fine, you know that. There is absolutely nothing that can go wrong. You have to believe that. When is the first gig?" Carrie pulled a pack of cigarettes out of her bag and lit one. I watched, hating when she lit up, but really couldn't say anything. That was one thing I was forever grateful I hadn't started.

           "We have a show at some bar called Gotfry's on Friday night." I leaned back against the tree behind me, closing my eyes. The heat was giving me such a headache.

           "Wow. That soon. Good for you."

           "Yeah."

           Carrie left to head to class, and I stayed where I was, staring up into the sky. I'd been at UA for just under a week, and so far was enjoying my stay. Part of me felt as if I were in a prison of sorts. My father had given a me a stern lecture the night before I had left that he expected to have two professional daughters. Since the all mighty Carla was already headed for her M.D., that meant I could either follow that path, or go into law, or pick some other thing that I had no interest in. I hated the pressure of successful parents. It wasn't fair. What if I wanted to be a ditch digger? Or just a bum on the street? Neither of these were true, mind you, but what if? I felt I should have that right.

           I glanced at my watch and saw it was time to head to Psych.

           Everyone seemed to figure out where they were supposed to be at noon on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. The class was a bit smaller than it had been Monday, which was fine as it was a large class. I sat in my same seat, way in the back, notebook already out along with my Psych book.

           The song I had started the other day was waiting for me. I hadn't had a chance to work on it since. I looked over the lines, closing my eyes as I sang in the dark cave that was my mind, tapping my fingers on my desk in time. Suddenly I felt someone's presence very near me. Slowly opening my eyes, I looked up at Miss Robertson. I smiled, she smiled back. She was staring at me, her head slightly cocked to the side, and opened her mouth about to speak.

           "Miss R? Can you come here for a moment?" her head shot up in the direction of someone sitting near the front, smiled at me again, and walked away. I watched her go, wondering what she had stopped to talk to me about. I couldn't imagine I had already gotten myself in trouble. After speaking with the other student for a moment, she walked up to the podium. Miss R looked good today in a skirt that reached to just below her knee, a dark gray color with a satin maroon top, sleeveless yet again.

           "Greetings, everyone. I have some bad news for you all. Today we have a pop quiz." This was followed by the obligatory grumbling and sounds of notebooks and pens and books being taken out of bags or put on the floor. I watched with half-hearted interest. "This quiz will be over what I assigned you to read on Monday. Hopefully you all did." She smiled wickedly and walked to the first row of desks with a stack of paper in her hand. "Put this face down on your desk and don't start until I tell you, please."

           I put everything from my desk to the floor except for my pen, watched the TA as she gave the front person in our row enough tests for all of us. She licked her thumb as she tried to separate the pages, then glanced briefly at me before moving on. Within five minutes everyone had a quiz and waited for the word to start.

           "Okay, you may begin."

           I flipped the page over, afraid of what I'd find as I hadn't bothered to read the assigned pages yet. I drew my brows as I read the questions, chewing on the cap of my Bic. This isn't that bad. I quickly read through the questions, marking answers as I went, stopping to think about one before I circled A and moved on, whizzing through the material, getting lost in it until I reached the end of the sheet. I leaned back in my chair, looking at my handy work. I had no idea I had gotten through the entire 50 question quiz already. I looked around to see heads bowed as my fellow class mates worked. I set my pen down and began to chew on my lip.

           The door near the TA's desk opened, and a man walked in. He walked over to Miss Robertson and sat on the edge of the desk, looking rather suave. He was an older man, probably in his mid to upper fifties, hair graying around the sides of his head, skin tan probably from hours of golf. He looked like one of those types. His white dress shirt was unbuttoned just enough to show off the gold chain he wore around his neck, the shirt tucked into khakis.

           As I watched, I was completely amused to see this man flirting with our teacher. He didn't even try to hide it. I watched Miss R to see what her reaction to that would be. She was polite, but did not fall for the bait. I was proud for some reason. She handled herself so well as the guy made an ass out of himself.

           "Okay, time's up." The TA stood from the desk, walking away from the man to his stunned expression, and walked to the head of the first row. "Please pass your papers up to the front. Thank you." She collected them down the line, smiling at the person who handed her the stack. "Everyone, this is Dr. Sauder. He is the head of the Psychology department." She indicated the man who had stood from her desk. He smiled at everyone.

           "Hello, and welcome to Psych 101." Sauder said. "You are very lucky to have Dagny as your teacher. She's wonderful." He smiled at her. Yeah, I bet she is. I rolled my eyes. Finally the old man left and our TA stood in front of the class.

           "Okay, folks. Since this is our first quiz, I want to go over these with you. These aren't for a grade." A sigh of relief came from somewhere behind me. I grinned. "Yes, I heard that, so don't panic just yet. I just want to see where you all are at. So, shall we?" she smiled at the class again, she had such a great smile, and looked at a piece of paper she had in her hand. "Let's begin."

           The TA began to go over every question, asking different people what they thought the answer should be, or why they choose what they did. I watched her, watched her mannerisms, the way she looked and talked to people. I knew her, I knew the way she worked. But how? It was almost as if from a dream, a person I'd conjured up long ago but couldn't quite figure out where I'd left them. I had the distinct feeling that Dagny played some sort of role in my life. Damnit, who are you?

           "Okay, now hang on a second. Don't get frustrated just yet." I looked up to see the TA talking with a girl not far from me. "It's actually less complicated than you're making it out to be, I'm sorry, I haven't yet memorized names."

           "Kelly."

           "Kelly. Think about it for a second. What type of thought process would it be considered if someone were to go into a sudden rage?" Miss R's voice was calm and even, almost comforting.

           "This is driving me crazy. I read the text, Miss Robertson, I promise." Miss R smiled.

           "I believe you." The girl was quiet for a moment as she thought, you could almost see the wheels turning in her head as she concentrated.

           "I can't do this." The girl surprised us all by starting to get really angry at herself. "I'm going to flunk out of this class. I can't. I can't fail, Miss Robertson." The TA bent down over the girl's desk, hands on either side.

           "Kelly, you never fail if you quit. But then you never win, either."

           I stared, those words reverberating over and over again in my head. I saw the water the pool in our backyard, the orange floats on my arms…

           "…"But I can't, Dagny. I just can't." Dagny swam over to me, standing right in front of me, but bending down to look me in the eye. She brushed some hair off my face…

           "Honey, you never fail if you quit. But then you never win, either." She smiled at me, and I smiled, too. She had such a nice smile.

           "Dag." I muttered, looking at my old babysitter as she moved away from Kelly's desk to talk to another student. Holy shit! How could I have forgotten her? How could I have not recognized her? She had been such a profound influence on me even for the short time she was in my life.

           As I looked at her now I could see it all over again, and was shocked that I hadn't picked up on it the moment I saw her. I remembered when she had come by my parent's house to tell me she couldn't baby sit me anymore, that her parents were moving.

           "Want to go for a walk, Chase?" she had asked, standing just inside the front door of my house.

           "Sure!" I had been so excited. Just me and Dag, even on a day when my parents were home. She had come special to see me.

           Dagny had taken my hand and had lead me toward the park that was just across the street and down a bit. She had taken me to the swings, and started to push me in the seat.

           "I won't be your babysitter anymore, Chase." She said, her voice sad. I craned my neck around to look at her, dragging the toes of my tennis shoes in the dirt to stop my momentum.

           "What/ Why?" Fully stopped, I jumped out of the rubber seat.

           "Well, my dad got a new job. We have to go back home to Texas for a little while." She said, sitting in the dirt, not caring if her shorts got dirty. I loved that. I sat with her as we both made patterns with a stick.

           "So if it's only for a while, you'll be back, right?" I was filled with so much hope. Maybe I could have her as my babysitter again next summer.

           "Well, hon, I just don't know." She ran a hand through my hair, combing it with her fingers.

           "I don't want another babysitter!" I jumped up, throwing myself at her, her arms wrapping around my small body. I couldn't keep the tears inside. Dagny rubbed my back, whispering quiet words into my ear.

           "Are you okay?" I jerked in my seat, startled. I looked up into those same green eyes of my memory. She smiled as she sat in the empty desk in front of me. I looked around to see that the other people in the class were beginning to filter out. I looked back at my teacher.

           "Yeah. I'm fine." I felt really stupid. How long had I been drifting in my own thoughts.

           "I wondered where you had disappeared to there for a while." She smiled again. "It's been a long time, Chase. How have you been?" I stared at her, shocked.

           "You remember me?"

           "Of course. How could I forget Chase Marin?" she put her hand on my arm for a second. "So did you ever learn how to swim?" she smiled again. I shook my head sheepishly.

           "No. Never tried again." She leaned back from my desk, hand on her chest.

           "After all that time and effort that we put into it that year? Tsk, tsk." She smiled and stood. "Well, I must say I'm shocked and utterly pleased to have you in the class, Chase. It's wonderful to see you again, all grown up." Suddenly I felt very shy.

           "Thanks. You, too." With a small chuckle, she walked to her desk.

PART 2

           I SAT ON MY bed with my back against the wall, knees up with a book resting on my thighs. I decided that perhaps I should actually read the text for Psych. The more I read the more interested I became. Why hadn't I ever taken any Psychology in high school? Then my mind drifted to my teacher. Hot damn, Dag. I couldn't believe it, nor could I stop the smile that began to spread across my face. My mind raced back to the perceptions of an eight year old girl who had a serious case of hero worship.

           I was not happy about this. I did not want a new babysitter, I liked the one I had had last summer and the summer before that, and the summer before that, just fine. I couldn't keep the frown off my face. It wasn't fair! Carla got to go to camp and I had to stay home with a stupid babysitter.

           "You'll like her, I promise." My mom said, sitting in the living room with the newspaper as I paced back and forth in front of her, my shoes thudding noisily on the wood floor as my lower lip popped out. The ultimate pouting position. "You might want to tuck that in, Chase. You'll trip over it." My mom said from behind her USA Today. I stomped to the foyer. She was supposed to be here any time. With that thought, the doorbell rang.

           "Would you get that, Chase?"

           "Yes." I muttered, opened the heavy front door. On the step stood a young girl with short blonde hair, sparkling green eyes and a smile.

           "Hi." She knelt down to my level. "Are you Chase?" I nodded. "Well it is certainly a pleasure to meet you. I'm Dagny." She held her hand out to me, I stared at it, then back at her. "Don't you want to shake it?" I shook my head, the lip coming out again. "That's okay. We'll try that one again later." My new babysitter stood, looking over my head. I looked back to see my mom standing behind me, then my eyes went right back to this strange girl.

           "Hello, Dagny. So nice to see you again. I'm so glad you could do this for us."

           "Thank you for asking, Mrs. Marin. I was hoping to find a job this summer." Dagny looked down at me. My eyes had never left her even as she talked with my mother. "This little one doesn't seem so excited, though." She smiled. I glared.

           "Well, Chase doesn't like change." My mother explained as she ran her hands through my hair. "We had another babysitter for the past few years that she'd gotten to know and like, but unfortunately Mary had to quit to have a baby."

           "Oh. That's too bad." She smiled at me again. I didn't understand it. My glare didn't seem to do a thing. This only made me more mad. "That's okay, Chase. We'll have fun."

           I set the text book aside, realizing that reading was a lost cause right now. I smiled as I thought of myself back then. Quite the little shit. No wonder my parents did everything they could to stay out of the house. My father had worked nonstop, but my mother had the summers off as she worked for a school district. I often used to wonder why she didn't stay home with me. She played on golf leagues, went shopping with the girls often, and was a tireless photographer. I used to dream about going on a shoot with her. I imagined us in our Jeep Cherokee, driving along the highway, headed to the Grand Canyon. My mother had an entire portfolio of just that alone.

           But she never took me.

           I shook my head to clear it, picking up the text once more to try yet again. I began to read the chapter on sleep when someone knocked at my door. With a growl I tossed the book aside.

           "Damnit, what?"

           "It's Carrie." I stood from the bed, opened the door with a nice glare.

           "Shit, what did I do?" she asked, taking a step back from me.

           "You knocked." I grumbled, walking back into the room, my best friend following.

           "Hey, I could have just walked in." I glared over my shoulder, she smiled. "So what's up?" she plopped down on the bed next to me, the bed bouncing me slightly. I shrugged.

           "Attempting to read my Psych book." I grabbed it for a third time.

           "Oh. How's that going?"

           "It was going fine."

           "Oh. Oops. Sorry. You didn't meet me by the cafeteria, so I got worried. You okay?"

           "Ah, shit." I closed my eyes, slamming my fist into the comforter. "I'm sorry, Car." I looked at my friend. I had been so stunned after Psych I had forgotten all about it. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just spaced it."

           "Chase, we've met there everyday after class." She looked at me with accusing eyes.

           "I said I was sorry. Damn." Her dark red brows drew.

           "Hey, come on. What's wrong? Everything okay with you and Mike? Your folks? Mother Theresa?" she indicated the bed across the room. I grinned and nodded.

           "You'll never guess who my TA is in Psych." I looked at her, wondering if she'd even remember Dagny.

           She shrugged. "How many guesses do I get out of four billion people?"

           "Dagny." I said, waiting for the proverbial light bulb to go off. It didn't. "The ultimate babysitter?"

           "You have an old babysitter for your Psych teacher? God, your mom really is trying to keep tabs on you." I smacked her with a pillow.

           "Don't you remember? She took us swimming when we were eight, and I almost drowned? The summer your brother went off to the Army?" Ding. There it was.

           "Oh my god! What is she doing here?"

           "She's a grad student."

           "But I thought she had moved with her family to Texas or something." She leaned back against the wall. "Is she still hot? She was even then."

           "Eww." I looked at her. "You're lusting after a fourteen year old."

           "Yeah, but at the time I was eight, so it's okay." She smiled. "You know how I love those older women."

           "God you're horrible." I glanced out the window. The sun was falling.

           "I want to see her." I looked at her to see if she was serious. Yep. Should have figured. I shook my head.

           "No way. I must protect Dag from you, you living hormone."

           "Fuck off. You're just jealous."

           "Bite me."

 *  *  *

           The rest of the week flew by until it was finally Friday night, and time for Casually In Debt to make it debut at Gotfry's. I wanted to cry, pee my pants and laugh all at the same time. I would never forgive Mike for dragging me into this, and I told him so.

           "Nah, you'll thank me for this one day, Chase. Just wait. When you're a big star out there, you'll remember when." He smiled, kissing me softly.

           "I know. You're probably right, but I still hate you." He ruffled my hair, smacking me soundly on the ass.

           The place was the local hang out for college kids, having 18 and older nights three times a week gave the underclassmen a chance to have some fun, too. This, however, was not one of those nights, and I was glad. The last think I needed was to have all of my classmates see me make an ass out of myself and my boyfriend's band.

           Doug and Mike had come in early to set everything up. The other band members were steadily trickling in. During our rehearsals over the week I had met them all, a great group of guys, me the sole woman.

           "I'll be right back. I have to go to the bathroom." I tapped Mike on the back to get his attention from working on the sound system. He nodded, not looking at me. Pale and shaky, I headed to the ladies room.

           It was empty, and I was forever grateful. I went into a stall, closing the door as I sat on the closed toilet seat, my head in my hands. God, I was so nervous. Would I be hunted down if I split right now?

           I heard the door to the bathroom open, and someone was at the sink, washing their hands. With a sigh, I decided to go out and face the music. I grinned at my own joke, stopping short when I saw the back of short blonde hair. My eyes traveled to the mirror to see my Psych teacher looking at me. A smile spread across her face for just a moment before it slid off to be replaced with accusation.

           "Okay, Chase, now I know for fact that you are not twenty-one." I smiled, nodding as I stepped up to the sink next to hers and wet a paper towel.

           "Yeah, well when you're the entertainment you can get in at any age." I pressed the wetness to my face, trying to cool myself off.

           "Are you with the band?" I nodded. Dagny grabbed her own paper towel, dried her hands. I glanced down at them.

           "Do you always wash your hands before you go to the bathroom?" she smiled.

           "Ha ha. No, someone decided to spill a drink on me out there."

           "Oh, that wasn't very nice." I smiled, washing my own hands. She looked at me, shaking her head.

           "I can't believe you're standing here in front of me all grown up. I know I keep saying that, it's just amazing."

           "Tell me about it. Imagine my shock." I grinned. She looked at me from my boots up my jeans and tank, and finally my face.

           "I can't believe how tall you got. The last time I saw you I could use the top of your head for an armrest." I smiled, proud for some reason. I looked down at her.

           "I bet I could try that trick now." She glared then smiled.

           "I better go. My friends are going to wonder if I fell in. Good luck out there. A little birdy told me you guys are quite good." With one last smile, she walked out the door.

           I walked up the stairs to the stage, looking out at the dark bar. With the lights aimed at the stage, it was hard to see much of anything except for the smoke swirling in the beams of light. We hadn't been introduced yet, so I had a few seconds. I just prayed I'd remember the words to the songs.

           "Hello, everyone, and welcome to Gotfry's. We've got a special treat for you tonight. Casually In Debt, a local band will be rocking you tonight." The crowd in the bar cheered, whistles high pitched came at me from everywhere. "Okay, okay, hold it down. Save it for the lady." The announcer, bar tender Greg, smiled and winked at me. "Here's CID with their lead singer's debut with us tonight, Chase Marin." That was my cue. I stepped up to the mic, Melo in hand. The whistles starting all over again. "It's all yours. Good luck, guys." Greg turned to all the guys behind me and smiled as he headed off the stage. I looked out, shading my eyes with my hand, which was probably a mistake. When I cut the light I could see everyone staring at me expectantly. Gulp.

           "Um, hi." Real slick, Chase. "This is my first time to perform, so give me a break, huh?" more whistling.

           "Come on! Sing already." Someone yelled from the back followed by a, "Shut up, man. Leave her alone."

           I turned to the band, counted to three, then they began to play. We started off with a classic, Janis Joplin's "Piece of My Heart". It only took me a few bars before I lost myself in the music, forgetting completely about the audience before me. My toe tapped along with the music as it consumed me. My fingers raced over my guitar with an almost desperate need to get the song out.

           The song came to an end, and my eyes opened. The crowd erupted. I looked around, nearly startled to hear the applause and yells and of course, whistles. The grin on my face spread faster than a wildfire. I reached for the glass of water that had been left for me on a stool, sipping from it, glancing back at Mike. He was smiling ear to ear, nodding at me. I smiled back, wiping my hand across my forehead to show my relief. He nodded again.

           I turned back to the mic and began to strum my guitar, the only sound in the place, the guys waiting for their cue. I began Eric Clapton's rocker, "Layla". The bar quieted down, someone coughing now and then, but I had everyone's attention, and it felt damn good.

           After a few more songs, it was time to take a break. Mike and I headed to the bar. I had finished my water about three songs ago, and was dying for some more. Greg came over to us immediately.

           "You guys rock." He grinned, sliding a beer mug of ice water to me, which I downed about half of in one drink. "You guys want to come back next week? We can fit you in every Friday night. Prime time," he added to sweeten the deal, looking from one to the other of us. I indicated Mike with my head.

           "He's the deal man. Talk to him." I turned away from the bar as the boys talked, looking out into the crowd that had turned back to drinking and laughing. People walked up to me to tell me what they thought of the performance or to make requests. It felt so strange. I'd never had fans before.

           "You were fantastic, Chase." I turned to see Dagny standing next to me, a beer in her hand. "I had no idea you could sing. When did that happen?" I grinned, shyly poking at the bar stool behind me with the heel of my boot.

           "I've always loved to sing, just never really bothered before."

           "I bet your mom and dad are proud as hell." She smiled. "Are they here?" she began to look around the place.

           "Um, they kind of don't know." She turned to me.

           "What? Why?"

           "Great job." A guy said as he passed. I saluted him with a smile, turning back to the TA.

           "They wouldn't approve. It's just a hobby, anyway. Nothing to tell them about." I sipped from my water.

           "I don't know about that. I have to tell you," she leaned in close. "People like you who have natural talent like this make me sick." She smiled, I blushed.

           "Thanks."

           "Babe, we gotta go. We're on." I turned to see Mike standing next tome, looking Dagny up and down.

           "Mike, this is my Psych TA. Dagny, my boyfriend, Mike."

           "Hello." Dagny smiled, so did Mike.

           "Hi. Come on, Chase." He grabbed my hand, started to yank me.

           "Thanks, Dag," I yelled behind my shoulder as I was pulled toward the stage. I set my water down and grabbed my guitar, ready for round two.

           I was dead on my feet as I entered my dorm, once again holding onto the wall as I stumbled to my room. I thought this pathetic sort of display was only for drunk people? Who would have thought singing could be so exhausting.

           CID was only scheduled to play for one session, which was only just over an hour or so. We ended up there for nearly six.

           I smiled like an idiot when I saw my door and managed to get the key into the hole. To my surprise Natalie was already asleep, prayers long finished I assumed. Also the tell tale folded towels on the floor.

           I leaned Melo against her place on the wall next to the closet, and stripped out of my smoke-covered clothing before I fell into bed.

           "How did it go?" I nearly jumped out of my skin as I squeaked. Natalie was holding herself up on an elbow looking at me, smile firmly in place.

           "It went fine, thanks for asking. Goodnight."

 *  *  *

           I smacked my lips, a smile on my face as my asleep mind put the most wonderful images there, grabbing my pillow a little tighter. I rolled over when I bolted up, thinking the world was coming to an end. My head shot to the left as I heard someone pounding on the door again. What the…

           "Crap!" I jumped out of bed, a bit taken aback to see that I wasn't wearing a stitch of clothing. I looked around, confused when I saw the pile of clothes I'd left on the floor. I looked to Natalie's made bed wondering how many Hale Mary's she'd had to say this morning when she'd seen me. I grabbed the closest thing to me, which was a robe that barely reached mid-thigh. With a deep sigh, I ran my hand through my hair and pasted a smile on my face as I opened the door. "Hi."

           "Hi, honey." My mom said, her smile faltering just a bit when she saw my appearance. "You forgot, didn't you?" she looked past me into the room.

           "Well, I had kind of a late night last night, so,"

           "Studying?" my father asked, disapproval clearly etched on his face.

           "Well, yeah." I smiled. "So how was the trip?" I said cheerily, trying to change the subject.

           "It was fine. Why does it smell like a truck stop in here?" my mother walked past me, turning in a circle to look at everything. "Do you smoke, Chase Nichole Marin." My mother, hand firmly on her hip, looked at me, the lines around her mouth deepening.

           "No." Shit, shit, shit. What do I say?

           "Then why does it smell like you do?"

           I knew I couldn't tell them about last night. They would never approve in a million years. God, why couldn't Natalie be their daughter? "Carrie was in here last night." I bit the inside of my cheek until it hurt as punishment. They knew Carrie smoked, but still. My mother stayed like she was, sizing me up to see if I was telling her the truth. My father joined her. God, they're already ganging up on me!

           "Look, if you guys want to take a walk around the campus I can meet you at the library." I looked down at myself. "I kind of need to take a shower." My parents looked at each other, that strange silent communication that I never understood.

           "We'll meet you there in one hour." My father said sternly, holding up the obligatory finger to show me just what the number one meant. I nodded like the good daughter.

           "One hour." I smiled.

           I closed my eyes, my head against the tiled shower as the cool water ran over my heated skin. I really didn't need this. I didn't need their criticism now. I finally felt good about something. Last night had been the greatest rush of my life, and I couldn't even share it with my family, not even my sister. I sighed heavily and finished my shower. They were waiting.

           The weather outside was turning cooler, finally. I really was not a fan of summer time and hot weather. I always said I should get a summer home in Montana, or better yet Antarctica. I pulled on a pair of clean jeans and button up shirt over a tank, the sleeves rolled half way up my arms. I brushed out my hair and brought it back into a braid. When it was wet as it was not, it almost looked black. I looked good, I guess. I stared at myself one more time, really not wanting to do this. But sometimes in life we must do what we really can't stand.

           Sure enough, there they were, looking like the perfect couple. My father was a very good looking man, his dark hair cut just perfect, graying just a bit around the temples, his tan skin giving him a rugged look. He wore slacks, carefully ironed, the house keeper a pro by now. His polo was blue to match his eyes, the same color as mine. I had never seen a man so picky about his appearance before. Sometimes he was more vain than my mother. She was also the picture of health and beauty. She was nearly a head shorter than I, getting my height from my father, with medium brown hair, thick and beautiful. She had bright blue eyes, and very trim, athletic body for a woman who was in her mid-fifties. She also wore a polo, a sweater tied around her shoulders, and slacks. Bill and Judith Marin. Quite the couple.

           "Ah, there she is." My father walked up to me, wrapping long arms around me in a tight hug.

           "Hey, dad." I looked around, feeling stupid. He stepped away giving my mother her turn.

           "You look so beautiful, honey." She said, looking at me, seemingly under a microscope. "How are you doing here? Are you enjoying yourself?" she put an arm around my shoulders, my father walking on the other side of me, as we headed toward the cafeteria where a buffet table had been set up for breakfast.

           "It's going well. It's not too bad."

           "It shouldn't be bad at all." My father chimed in. "Why, college was the best time of my life." He smiled as he looked around the campus, nodding at passersby. "Yale was some of the greatest years of my life. I must say, Chase, I was a bit disappointed when you decided against my alma mater. I had hoped that my children would go to such fine schools. I was so proud when Carla decided on Berkley. Wonderful school, and a great town, too."

           "This is a good school, dad." I said, suddenly feeling like I should defend my chosen school.

           "Of course, it is." He patted my arm with a smile.

           Have you ever felt like you were being put on display? As we entered the cafeteria my parents both a firm hold on me, smiling at everyone they saw as if they hoped that their pearly whites would bring attention to their daughter. I tried to smile, too, but ended up avoided everyone's eyes that we passed.

           We found a table, and thank god I spotted Carrie and her family. Her mother and father along with her younger brother and older sister came to our table to sit down. Our parents had remained great friends through Carrie and my lives. They laughed, and nudged each other, and congratulated themselves on having such wonderful children. I looked at Carrie only to catch her eye. She rolled her eyes, and I smiled.

           "So I hear you were quite the little rocker last night." She whispered, leaning in to me. I shrugged, butterflies fluttering in my stomach as the sensations and memories came back from the previous night.

           "It was great. I loved it." I whispered back.

           "Loved what, hon?" I looked up to see my mother looking expectantly at me, a half smile on her painted lips.

           "Oh, um a class I have. Psychology. In fact, you won't guess who's teaching it." Good save. I heard Carrie chuckling quietly next to me. I smacked her leg under the table. "Dagny Robertson." My mother drew her delicate brows as she tried to bring the name to mind. Then it hit her.

           "Your old babysitter?" I nodded. "How wonderful! So she became a teacher, then?"

           "Well, she's actually a grad student. She's getting her doctorate in Psychology."

           "Oh, that's absolutely wonderful! I'd love to see her. She was always such a lovely girl." my mother clasped her hands together. Now, why can't you get that excited about something I'm doing?

           We were served our breakfast, everyone talking as they ate, catching up. Carrie's parent's had a ton of questions for me, mine narrowing in on Carrie. I just prayed that they would not bring up the smoke part. She'd kill me.

           I looked around the room, hoping for some sort of escape. None to be had.

           It felt strange being in the Psychology building when it was near empty. There were students and their families walking around once in a while, but it was nothing like it was at noon on a weekday. We rounded the corner, and I could already hear Dagny's laugh. An involuntary smile came to my lips. Carrie had wanted to come with us, determined to see Dagny now, but had to go off with her own parents to meet her professors.

           We walked into the room to see Dagny talking with the father of one of the students in my Psych class. They were laughing, the TA gracious and friendly. She looked great in a pair of khakis and a sleeveless top, again, the color of her eyes. She absently reached a hand up to tuck some hair behind her ear.

           "Well, Sam is certainly a pleasure to have in my class." She smiled at her student then at his father.

           "Thank you, Miss Robertson. It was a pleasure." The man said, shaking Dagny's hand.

           "The pleasure was all mine." She patted Sam on the arm as they turned to leave.

           "Chase. Hello." I was greeted with a huge smile then green eyes looked behind me to see my parents. "What a treat. Mr. and Mrs. Marin." she extended her hand, but my mother walked up to her to take her into a gentle hug.

           "How are you, hon?" she pulled away, holding Dagny by her arms, looking at her. "You're so beautiful." Dagny smiled.

           "Thank you. Imagine my surprise when I found that I had Chase, here in my class." She gently pulled away from my mom, putting her arm around my shoulders. "She is such a good student, studious and smart as a whip." She smiled at me, I stood there too stunned to do anything. My parents looked from one to the other of us.

           "How wonderful, honey. Why didn't you say anything?" my mom caressed my arm, looking like she'd just given birth again. I shrugged. I didn't know myself.

           "So we hear you're going after your doctorate?" my father chimed in.

           "Yes, I am. Chase scored the highest on a pop quiz I gave out this week. She's quite the sponge." Dagny patted my back.

           "Well, when she was little I used to work with her on flash cards, help to increase her memory." My father smiled.

           "Well, come on now, Mr. Marin," Dagny lightly punched my father's shoulder, smiling charmingly. "She's not a computer. That's just natural for her. She has wonderful retention, from what I can see."

           "That's wonderful, sweetie. We're so proud of you." My mom subjected me to a bone-crushing hug. I looked at Dagny for help. She was trying to hide a smile.

           "Are your parents here, Dagny?" my father asked.

           "Well, I'm afraid they couldn't make it." She shrugged with a smile. "My mom couldn't get away from school, and my father is overseas right now. He's been a busy man since September 11th." She said sadly.

           "Oh, well I'm sure. And with him being a Marine, right?" Dagny nodded. "I'm sure he's definitely busy. He must be pretty far up there by now."

           "He's a Lt. Col."

           "Good for him."

           "Well, it was so nice to see you both again." She smiled warmly at both my parents. I could almost see both of them falling in love. I shook my head.

           "You, too, honey. Oh, we have reservations for dinner tonight. You must come." My mother said, clasping her hands together as she gave the TA an adult version of puppy dog eyes.

           "Well," Dagny looked at me, trying to gauge my reaction. I shrugged. "Sure. I'd love to."

           "Perfect!"

           We had made dinner reservations with the Rodman family. I was thrilled that Carrie would be there to help balance out the weirdness of having dinner with my parents and Dagny. I didn't have a clue how I was supposed to act around my teacher. Was this like a social call, or should I treat her just as I did in the classroom? I wasn't looking forward to this.

           Dagny had to meet with other students and their parents, so she made plans to meet us at the restaurant at seven. Carrie and I went back to our dorms to change into something a bit more appropriate for the place we were going, a classy seafood place. This would be interesting since I couldn't stand seafood.

           I changed into a pair of well fitting black slacks and a blue knit shirt that was a bit on the tightish side, but nothing too risqué, black boots completed the outfit. I looked into the mirror on the back of the door, trying to decide what to do with my hair. Leave it down, put it up, ponytail. So many choices, so little time. Deciding to keep it simple, I grabbed my brush and turned my hair into silk, leaving it to brush my shoulders.

           Carrie met me downstairs, and we headed for the lobby where our parents were waiting.

           Sea's the Day was a quaint little place tucked out of sight that served excellent food with not so excellent prices. We were lead to our table, I kept looking around the place to see if I could spot Dagny. She hadn't arrived yet, and I didn't want to miss her.

           "Your waiter will be with your shortly." The hostess smiled, put a menu in front of all of us, and walked away. Carrie was seated to my right, which I was grateful for. The other members of our families were randomly seated at the two square tables they had scooted together to accommodate all of us. The chair across from me was empty, which meant one thing; I'd be looking at Dagny the entire night.

           I sipped from the goblet of water that sat before me when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up and back to see Dagny smiling at us. I glanced at my watch, seven on the nose. I couldn't help but feel special as her hand drug along my shoulder as she walked past me to her own seat. I felt strangely disappointed when she did the same to my mother as she passed her. Shaking off the childish feeling, I smiled at her as she settled in across from me. I looked at Carrie to see her eyes were transfixed on my Psych teacher. I nudged her with my knee. She looked at me with drawn brows.

           "Stop it." I hissed. She cleared her throat, stared at the folded cloth napkin in front of her. I could still see her eyes trying to roam back to Dagny. This would be a long dinner. I wanted to apologize to Dagny in advance.

           "Mark, Gloria, do you remember Dagny? She used to babysit for Chase years ago." Carrie's parents looked at the TA, her father oblivious, her mother's eyes showing recognition.

           "Oh, yes. You used to take the girls swimming." Gloria Rodman said. She smiled. "How are you, hon? What a coincidence that you're teaching at the same school as our girls, here."

           "Well, actually I'm a grad student." Dagny explained. "I'm a TA helping out by taking the Psych 101 class."

           "Oh. How nice. Do you enjoy it?" Mark asked, biting into a carrot from the appetizer platter.

           "I do. It's a lot of work, but I have some fantastic students that make it worth while." She winked at me. I smiled down at the table.

           The conversation continued as plates of food were served. I didn't say much, certainly didn't start any conversation. I watched around the table as my parents and Carrie's family laughed and talked, my mother throwing half a bread roll good naturedly at my father when he made some comment. I smiled, my parents had always had a very playful relationship. I had always hoped for that someday in my own relationship. Carrie and Dagny talked quite a bit, catching up on what Carrie was in school for, what she had been doing for the last ten years, what she did the previous summer. I could tell Carrie was quite taken by the teacher. I was amused.

           It was getting late and everyone was getting tired. The bill was paid, and we all headed outside to our respective cars. I had already given Mr. and Mrs. Rodman a hug. They were headed out to go home first thing in the morning.

           I followed behind my parents, tired from the late night last night, and little sleep. Glancing at my watch I realized it was nearly eleven. Far too early for me to be tired. I was getting old. Suddenly I felt the presence of someone walking beside me. I turned to see Dagny walking along with me.

           "Hey." She smiled.

           "Hi. I'm sorry you had to sit through that."

           "Nah. I think it's great that you guys' parents care enough to come at all." She yawned. "I'm really glad you're in my class. I always wondered what had happened to that feisty little girl I used to know." She smiled at me again. "Just really glad to see you." I smiled, too, but inside I was absolutely beaming.

           "Me, too."

           "Well, look I have to get going. This old lady is tired." She winked at me, gently patting my shoulder. "See you around."

           "Yeah." I watched as she headed toward her car, a little blue Honda. She turned to smile at me one last time, then got in and drove away.

 *  *  *

           I hugged my mom, my father standing next to the car. She kissed my cheek.

           "We're proud of you, honey. I'm so glad Dagny is here with you. If you have any problems, you know she can help you." She smiled, I just nodded. I'm sure you are, mom. How is it that someone could intertwine a compliment with a slap in the face all in one sentence?

           "Thanks." I smiled politely.

           "Chase." My father hugged me, kissing the top of my head. My parents loaded themselves in the car, and I watched them drive away, my hand still in the air from my wave.

           Freedom!

           It felt nice to be alone here again, but at the same time my heart felt heavy. Why did I always feel this intense pressure on my chest all the time? I put my hand where I hurt, walked slowly back to my dorm.

 *  *  *

           I gripped the steering wheel of my car, knuckles nearly white. I was filled with a strange kind of… energy. I didn't understand it, nor had I ever felt it before. After my parents had left I had studied, or at least tried to. My mind kept drifting to different things, so I had given up on the books and brought out my notebook to work on my song. I felt the need to express feelings and emotions that I didn't quite get. They were at the tip of my brain but couldn't reach them.

           After an hour, I slammed the pen down, frustrated. It was time to go to rehearsal anyway. I checked my watch; I had forty minutes until we were to meet at Mike's and it only took me five to get there.

           There was only Mike's motorcycle in the drive of the apartment building, which was good. He was alone. I slammed my car door shut, hurried up the stairs, not even bothering knocking. Mike stood in front of the TV, hair still wet, a towel wrapped around his waist.

           "Holy, shit, Chase. You scared the shit out of me." I walked over to him and without a word grabbed the back of his head and forced his face down to mine.

           I pulled my shirt on, suddenly feeling very shy. My back hurt from the carpet burns, and my body was sore. With a groan I sat up. Mike laid on the floor, naked as the day he was born. He grinned at me.

           "What the hell got into you? Not that I'm complaining." He rubbed my back with his palm. I closed my eyes, suddenly not wanting to be touched anymore. I decided to start talking to avoid anything else.

           "Remember the whole deal with my Psych teacher?" I asked, scooting away from him and turning to face him, pulling my knees up to my chest. He nodded.

           "Did you finally figure out the mystery?"

           "Yup. It was my old babysitter from when I was eight." I smiled.

           "No shit. That's too funny." Mike sat up, leaning against the couch. I wished he would put some clothes on.

           "God, she was so fantastic, Mike. I had the absolute worst case of hero worship you've ever seen." I smiled with the memory. "She was everything to me back then. She was my best friend, my playmate, my confidante." I sighed, thinking of her. "And now, god, she's smart, she's beautiful. She blows me away, makes me feel, I don't know. Can't explain it." I reached for my jeans, yanked them on followed by my shoes. I looked at my boyfriend, hoping maybe he'd have the answers that I sought. He said nothing, just stared down at the ground. "Dagny is everything I wish I could be. She makes me kind of feel like I have the power to do stuff."

           "Sounds like you've still got a serious case of hero worship." He looked up at me.

           "Oh, I don't think so." I laughed nervously. He sat up.

           "Listen to you, Chase."

           "What? It's true. She's fantastic. God, to be so driven and so centered. I can't imagine." He sighed.

           "Well, I guess it's a good thing you've got her as a TA now, huh?" He stood and walked to the bedroom to dress.

           I stayed where I was, but laid back on the carpet, hands behind my head. Staring up at the ceiling, I began to wonder about things. Where was I? I didn't understand it.

           I got home at a reasonable hour so I could get up tomorrow and get to class on time. Natalie sat at her desk typing away on a laptop.

           "Hello, Chase." She smiled as I walked in. I gave her a small wave, plopped down on the bed. She turned to look at me, brows drawn. "Are you okay? I know you're not drunk otherwise I'd smell it on you." I smiled, shook my head.

           "Nope. Not drunk."

           "Want to talk about it?" her voice lowered, and she showed me true concern. I looked up at her with tired eyes, desperate to try and understand where my restlessness was coming from. I was just starting something new. Shouldn't that at least keep me content for a while?

           "Have you ever felt lost, Natalie?" I pushed myself back on the bed until I leaned against the wall expelling a weary sigh.

           "Of course I have, Chase." She stood from the chair, sat on the edge of the bed, hands in her lap. "I think everyone experiences this, really. We're at an awkward stage in our lives." She looked out the window above the desk, sighed, then looked back at me. "Everyone has something that works for them. For me it was the love of my Father, Jesus Christ. The Lord showed me where I was straying to , and helped me get back on the right path." She smiled the most peaceful smile I'd ever seen. I opened my mouth to protest, but she covered my hand with her own. "Chase, that may not be the antidote for you, I understand that. Basically what it comes down to is, you have to be comfortable in your own skin." She smiled understanding to me, patted my hand. Without warning I felt overwhelmed. I grabbed Natalie and pulled her to me. I needed human contact, and a hug from Mother Theresa was as good as any. "There you go. That's all it takes." She said softly, giving me a good squeeze.

           Natalie slowly pulled away, pushing some stray hair from my face, and stood, sat back at the desk and continued to type. I watched her for a little while before I laid back, faced the wall and fell asleep.

           Monday, and the second week of school. Dr. Bordeux was there in his usual militant style, clothing starched and sharply creased. He sat at his desk, going over papers from the quiz they had taken at the end of last week. He looked up as I entered.

           "Bonjour, Chasse. Vous êtes à l'heure aujourd'hui." I grinned, looking down at my watch.

           " Bien, j'ai obtenu réellement d'enfoncer à un temps décent."

           The professor laughed. "Yes, it certainly does help to get enough sleep. Have a seat."

           I went to my seat in the back, pulled my notebook out to work on my song. I thought about what Natalie had said last night. My chin resting on my hand, I looked out the window that was next to my desk. It was just before eight in the morning, and people were walking around, talking, holding hands, laughing, running. Any number of things.

           "Chase?" I turned to see Dr. Bordeux looking at me. He motioned me over with his fingers. "On the quiz we took last week, you did very well. I think you really know what you're doing. How would you feel about tutoring?" I stared at him, dumbstruck. He smiled. "Now, if you're not comfortable with that, I do understand, but I think you'd be very good at it." I nodded, wondering why.

           "Okay. I think I can handle that." He smiled, patted my hand.

           "I figured as much." He smiled again. "Maintenant, allez s'asseyent."

           "Yeah, yeah." I grinned, headed back to my desk. I almost felt myself stand a little taller, my shoulders out proud. Wow. Who would have thought?

           The other students began to steadily trickle in, and attempt to rouse themselves. I watched, feeling strange being the first one there, and certainly the most awake of the bunch. I had to grin.

           I waited at the table that Carrie and I had started to claim as our own, having to glare and growl at a kid who had been sitting there. With wide eyes, he had quickly packed up his stuff and scampered off.

           I pulled the notebook out yet again. Something was still missing, but I couldn't put a finger to it. I stared at it, hummed it out loud, but nothing seemed to catch. With a frustrated sigh, I put it away.

           "Hey, girl. How's it going?" I looked up to see Carrie dropping her bag on the floor, flopping down in the chair across from me. I shrugged.

           "I've been recruited as the newest tutor in French." She looked at me, taken aback.

           "And you're gonna do it?" I nodded. "That's great, girl." She smiled. "Congrats. You're so damn good at it, I don't really know why I'm surprised. But I thought you hated that guy? Bordom, or whatever the hell his name is."

           "Bordeux. I don't hate him. He's just a tough teacher."

           "Well then I'm happy for ya." She looked toward the food lines. "God, they're already piling up. Come on. I'm starving." Carrie grabbed my hand, pulling me toward the Mexican food place. "I've been craving tacos all day." She explained at my look. "You don't mind, do you?" she flashed me one of her charming smiled. I shook my head, glare still firmly in place. "You know I was thinking about Dagny Robertson last night." Here it comes. "Damn, she is hot!"

           "Thinking or dreaming?" I asked drying. She glared.

           "Ha ha. But since you asked,"

           "Ew, Car!" she laughed evilly.

           "No, but seriously. She seems like a really nice person." We moved up in line, just two people away from the counter.

           "She is." I looked down at the floor, my boots shuffling across the tile as I contemplated this. I had Dagny's class in just under two hours, and part of me felt nervous. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I had seen her in a social aspect over the weekend, and was worried what she thought about me. Social and academic are two very different settings. Does she think my family is as strange as I do? Did she mind my best friend looking her over like a ripe tomato? All these things played around in my mind as Carrie talked on and on about her classes and the cute guys and girls in them. Then I thought about Mike. My parents had asked a few questions about him when they had been here, but to my surprise and relief, not to see him. Mike had let his hair grow out, and the unshaven look he had recently adapted would have flipped them out. I didn't need to deal with it, especially since I saw no real future for us. He was a great guy, but I just didn't know. I felt so alone even when in his presence. I sighed.

           "You okay?" I looked up to see Carrie looking at me, her open wallet in her hand as she paid the guy at the counter. I nodded with a smile. I really needed to stop falling into the introspection in the middle of socializing.

 *  *  *

           The classroom had a few people in it, but for the most part not many had arrived yet. Dagny sat at her desk reading something. Looked like she was studying. I quietly headed to my seat, setting everything up for class to start. I glanced up from my text book, my eyes automatically moving to the TA. She tucked some hair behind her ear then rested her cheek into her hand. I noticed the way the fluorescent lights above made her hair shine, making it look so clean and healthy. She licked her lip as she turned the page, eyes concentrating on something she saw on the page. Suddenly green eyes shot up, met mine. I felt stupid, like I'd been caught doing something bad, but couldn't look away. She smiled. I smiled back.

           I wondered if she would come over and talk, knowing that I couldn't stand to go to her. I felt glued to my chair, nailed to the floor. Why? Why was my stomach feeling as if I had a rope inside that was being turned and turned, tighter and tighter? It made no sense to me. All that I did know was that part of me did want her to come over, and part of me didn't. I felt the need to keep distance between her and myself. I knew I admired Dagny so much. Maybe Mike was right, and my hero worship hadn't all quite died out.

           Dagny looked as if she were about to stand, scooting her chair back, but then Dr. Sauder strutted into the room, and she turned to him with a smile. I released the breath that seemed to have gotten trapped in my lungs somehow.

           Class finally started, and I made a conscious effort to give the instruction my entire attention. I don't know how successful I was, but I didn't end up in la la land again, so I guess I'm improving.

           "So, that's the theory behind the mind. Any questions? I must warn you, we will be having our first test three weeks from today, so be prepared." Dagny looked around the class, making sure she had everyone's attention. At the word test, she certainly had mine. "We'll be going over chapters four through fourteen. That's what the test will cover. We'll be doing some group activities next week, so be ready for that. I'll assign groups Friday before we leave here." She continued to look for questions, smiling at different students as she did. She smiled at me, slightly nodding at me. I smiled back. "Okay, folks, I'm done, put a fork in me." Some people chuckled as they gathered their stuff, headed out.

           "Chase, where you headed?" my head snapped up, surprised to hear my name. Dagny was at her desk, loading papers and books into her bag.

           'Calc."

           "Oh, I'm so sorry." She winced then grinned. "If you don't mind, I'll head out with you? I'm headed in that general direction."

           "Um, sure." I smiled, well tried to, anyway. God, why did she make me so damn nervous?

           We walked out of the Psych building, neither of us saying much. Side by side, me with my backpack on one shoulder, her with her bag's strap across her chest, a couple books held in her arms. Finally she smiled as she turned to me.

           "How is it that your mom does not age?" I smiled, looking down at the ground with a shrug.

           "I think it's her secret, found the fountain of youth somewhere. I think she's hiding it in her closet." Dagny laughed.

           "I think you're right. They're nice. They were always good to me when I was younger."

           "Yeah. I know they both really liked you. My mom used to brag you up to the neighbors all the time."

           "Really?" she laughed again. "Never would have imagined that one." She gave me a side glance. "So what do you think of college thus far?" I shrugged as I looked around, people milling about all around us as we made our way to our respective destinations.

           "It's okay, I guess. Not sure what I was expecting, but I guess it meets those expectations." She nodded understanding.

           "I remember when I started here. I was so excited, always wanting to go to college. My mom used to say I came out of the womb saying university. She swears that was my first word, but I don't know that I believe that." She smiled again at the memory. "With my mom in education herself, it was really pretty much expected. But then, I'm sure you understand that." She looked at me, I nodded vigorously.

           "Oh, yeah. You can bet your butt on that one." She grinned.

           "Well, here I am. I'll see you around." She smiled one last time, and walked toward her building. I watched her walk away for a few moments, sighing as my shoulders slumped.

PART 3

           I STOOD NEAR THE side of the building, feeling like a voyeur as I watched her sitting on the bench, a stack of papers on her lap. I knew Dagny had been grading our tests, and I wondered how I had done. But now some guy was standing there talking with her. I didn’t want to interrupt, so I waited.

           I grinned as I thought of last night. I had gone to Natalie’s bible study for the first time to play my guitar. I hadn’t been sure if I’d sing or not. We had been playing at Gotfry’s for the last three weekends, but I still wasn’t so sure, especially with the choices of music she had given me. A Gospel singer I am not.

           I had arrived at the place, the YWCA, set up my guitar and sheet music. There were about a dozen people there. I wasn’t sure what to wear, never having set foot in a church-type setting in my life, so I decided on conservative. Jeans, sweatshirt and tennis shoes. It seemed to work out great. Natalie had been beside herself when I had shown up, so proud that she had a "local celebrity singer" as a roommate. It took everything I had to not roll my eyes. I had tried to smile graciously, just wanting to get the hell out of there.

           I hated to admit it, but I had really been charmed by the way everyone interacted together, so kind and considerate. I didn’t understand it. They had me sing first, then someone read some scriptures, then I sang a song that went along with the message, or something. This morning when Natalie and I had gotten up for class, she had looked and smiled at me like I had performed life-saving surgery on her mother overnight.

           Oh, here’s my chance. The guy walked away, and Dagny had gone back to grading. I pushed away from the wall, tugging my backpack up a little higher, trying to figure out the best angle. I could ask about my grade, or how she thought the test went. I could see what she thought of the show Friday night. I had seen her there with the same group she was always there with.

           I sucked my bottom lip in to chew on it. She looked great today, a knit skirt that reached to just above her knees, sandals, and a sweater. She looked really good in skirts. I shook my head, feeling ridiculous.

           I walked out into the late September sun, the air a little chilly. Our overly warm summer was turning to a slightly cooler fall.

           "Hey." I stood beside, and slightly behind the TA. She looked up at me, squinting into the sun. I realized I was standing directly in its path, moved to the side. She smiled.

           "Hi." She straightened a bit, putting her pen down. "You have impeccable timing. I just graded your test." She indicated the papers on her lap. I smiled. "I must tell you, Chase, you’re kicking some serious ass in my class." My former smile turned into a grin that spread from ear to ear.

           "Really?" she nodded.

           "Yes, ma’am. Sit." She patted the bench next to her. I sat, putting my backpack on the ground at my feet. "You did very well on this." She looked at me with pride shining in her eyes. "You seem to grasp psychological concepts very well. Have you ever thought about going into Psychology?"

           "I hadn’t really thought about going into anything at all, yet." I said with a sheepish grin. She patted my knee.

           "You’ll figure it out. So, Friday. You guys were terrific. Your rendition of Melissa Etheridge’s ‘Keep It Precious’ was fantastic."

           "You a fan?"

           "Of course! Who wouldn’t be?" she looked genuinely stunned. I laughed. "How’s Mike doing?" I looked at her, shocked right out of words. Quite the change of subject.

           "Uh, he’s fine. Doing great."

           "Good." Dagny went on to tell me about Darrel, her boyfriend of four years that she had broken up with over the summer. They had met at UA, had gotten serious, but then after graduation he had gotten a job in California, and she had wanted to stay in Arizona to finish school. Not interested in anything long distance, she had broken it off.

           "That must have been hard." I sympathized. She shrugged, staring off into space.

           "The sad thing is it hadn’t been as hard as I figured it would." She looked at me. "Sometimes I think I must be pretty cold and heartless. Darrel had put so much of himself into our relationship, really trying to make it work, but in the end, there wasn’t enough of me in there to keep it going. Does that make sense?"

           "More than you think."

           "How long have you and Mike been together? How did you meet?" Dagny put the papers she’d been grading into her bag, turned her body so she was facing me, her arm running along the back of the bench, her fingers near the middle of my neck. I swallowed and cleared my throat.

           "We met last year, August, at a party he was having at his place. He rents an apartment off campus with a friend. My friend Carrie knew someone, some friend of his, and there you go."

           "Is it serious?" I shook my head.

           "No. I know that much. He’s really a good guy, and someday he’ll get himself together. Right now I think he’s a little too involved with having a good time." I looked at Dagny to see if she understood. She was slowly nodding.

           "It’s a danger of dating in college. I see it everyday." She indicated the tests next to her.

           "I think I could easily get sucked up into that again." I eyed the papers, then looked out into the grassy area in front of us.

           "Again?" she cocked her head slightly to the side, bringing the arm she had on the bench to rest her cheek on her hand. I nodded, looking at her shyly.

           "I nearly got kicked out of high school from it. Got mixed up in the wrong crowds. Carrie and I, together we’d get into so much trouble. Still do." I smiled, so did she.

           "But you’re learning, right? I mean, life is nothing but a series of lessons. What we chose to learn and take from it is up to us." She began to play with the hair near her temples. "I remember when I was in high school when we’d already moved to Texas. I had a friend there named Kathy. Oh, did we get into trouble." She grinned wickedly at me. "Her parents used to leave often, her father had at least two to three business trips a month. Since her mother didn’t work, she’d go with him. Well, we started throwing parties, and kept them pretty low key for the most part, but one time it got out of hand, and Kathy’s house was nearly started on fire. It was terrible, and I felt so bad." She shook her head with a small smile. "I think about Kathy now and then. Wonder where she ended up." She looked off into the distance, into the past.

           "Why? When did you see her last?"

           "The night of that last party. Her parents got home and yanked her out of our school. I heard she was put into a rehab center for teenagers. I don’t know if that’s true, though. Kathy had a problem with drugs, and I thank god I never got caught up in that mess." She sighed. "Who knows."

           "Sounds like my friend, Carrie. I think she’s heading for some trouble if she’s not careful." Dagny nodded. We continued to talk, covering school, parents, my sister Carla. Dagny was an only child.

           I listened to her talk, mesmerized by what she had to say and how she saw things. It was so fascinating. She was only about five or six years older than me, but I couldn’t stop looking up to her. I felt so safe around her as if I could do anything. She is what I wanted to be. I wanted to make my parents proud, see me like they see my older sister. I wanted them to see me.

           "Um, Chase? Do you have somewhere to go?" Dagny asked after she glanced at her watch. I glanced at mine. Shit. I looked sheepishly up at the teacher.

           "I had Ethnic Lit. forty-five minutes ago." Dagny groaned.

           "Oh, no. I’m sorry I kept you so long."

           "Hey, I stayed. You have nothing to apologize for. Besides, I’m the one who interrupted you."

           "Well, I better get going." She grabbed her bag and smiled at me as she stood. "I really need to finish grading these tests." I stood, nodded with my hands buried in the back pockets of my jeans. "So, see you Wednesday?" I smiled.

           "Yeah. See you in class." She touched my arm as she walked by me. I watched her go. I didn’t want my time with her to end, and I sure as hell didn’t want to have to wait until the day after tomorrow to see or talk to her again. I sighed, turned to walk. I wasn’t sure where to, but I needed to think.

           In the five weeks that I had been in school, and the month that I had known who Dagny was and had begun to get to know her again, I was feeling the confusion of life crashing down on me more and more. Something in my life was off kilter, but I didn’t know what it was or where to start to find it.

           Last Friday in class we had started to learn about word association. I grabbed my notebook, flopped down on the bed on my stomach, and began to write. I had nothing in mind, just began to spout a bunch of words on the paper, trying to figure out if I could find something in there that was map-like. At first it was difficult, nothing would come, but then I realized I was trying to make it make sense. That was not allowed. I cleared my mind and let my heart speak for me.

           I had finished two full pages and wanted to keep going. Instead I stopped, curious to see what my subconscious had come up with. I sat up, my back against the wall and began to read. At first it made no sense, just random words like baseball, orange and Play-Doh. But as I continued on, everything I read made me think of Dagny. I saw her everywhere on the page. Words like strength, green, beautiful, friend, lost and found. I didn’t understand. I ripped the pages out, crumbled them up and tossed them across the room.

           "Screw it." Idea number two. Grabbing Melo, I sat on the floor and began to play. I closed my eyes and all I saw was a pair of green eyes staring at me. Closing them tighter, I continued to play, finally the picture of Dagny disappeared and my mind was clear.

           I played any and everything that I had ever known, fast songs, folk songs, slow songs. I raced my fingers across the neck of the guitar, pushing the notes out for all I was worth. I got lost in it, my entire being surrounded by music, lyrics, chords. My entire body rocked with the rhythm, my eyes still closed, head bobbing with each beat. The volume rose in my head, echoing through me until I was on a stage, thousands of people before me, listening, cheering for me. For me.

           I cried out as I jammed my finger into the chord, slicing the skin open on my index finger. I held it up to see that I was bleeding pretty good. Setting Melo aside, I grabbed the First Aid kit and fixed my wound. I looked around, almost shocked to be back in my reality. Night was quickly falling. I decided to watch TV for the rest of the night until bed.

 *  *  *

           The semester was flying by, my classes beginning to wrap themselves up. I was excited and proud to be nearly through my first semester of college. In one piece, no less. I had decided that the confusion I had, and all the questions were just not doing me any good, only holding me back. I tried to push it all to the back of my mind.

           I tried, anyway.

           Carrie and I walked together across campus, both heading for our classes. She was going on and on about the little tryst she’d gotten herself into after the party over the weekend.

           "God, Carrie. Please try and be careful?" I looked at her, really worried about her. We didn’t see much of each other anymore. She was getting further and further sucked into the life of the party. She and Mike, both.

           "Hey, ladies. I can’t believe you’re up and actually have your eyes open." I look to our left to see Dagny standing with someone, talking. She’s smiling at me.

           "Ha, ha. Aren’t you just the funny one this morning?" I notice the Styrofoam cup she’s holding in her hand. "Besides, you’re cheating." I point to the coffee. She looks down at it, then grins sheepishly.

           "Alright, you busted me." She smiles. "See you in class. Hey, Carrie." She smiled charmingly at my friend. Carrie nearly swooned as she waved. Dagny chuckled, turned back to the person she was talking to.

           "Oh, my god." Carrie closed her eyes as continued on. "Fuck me, she is so hot. I can’t believe she said hi to me." She looked back over her shoulder at the TA. "She’s looking at me, Chase. Check it out." She smiled and turned back to the front. "I wonder if she’d be interested in dinner, or something." As Carrie rambled on I was shocked to feel a pang in my stomach, almost making me feel sick. "What do you think?" I was pulled from my thoughts.

           "I don’t think she swings that way, Car."

           "Hmm. Yeah."

           I sat in French class, only a few of us there. As the year had gone on, some of the students had dropped it, so there was only a handful of us, now. Dr. Bordeux sat at his desk, as usual. I was scribbling in my notebook feverishly. The chance meeting with Dagny this morning on the way to class, and the way Carrie had carried on about Dagny being gay, and giving her a chance, it had brought back so many things I had tried to bury over the last few months. I had been pretty successful, but all the hard work had crashed around me, and I felt the burden at my feet.

           "Chase?" my head snapped up to see the dapper French teacher staring down at me, his hands behind his back. "Are you okay? You look so down today." He perched himself on the desk beside mine. "Now, I’m not saying that you’re usually the picture of sunlight, but you look disturbed." He crossed his arms over his barrel chest. I grinned at his comment.

           "I’m okay, Dr. Bordeux. "

           "Okay. If you need to talk, I’m here, okay?" I nodded with a smile. As he walked away, I brought out the old notebook again. I had managed to get a couple lines the other day. I read them.

 Lessons learned, as days go by,
 I test my wings, learn I can fly.
 I test my heart, find I can soar,
 Everyday you believe in me,
 I can do more.

           I sighed. Something’s got to give. This can’t go on forever.

           No one was in the classroom yet, so I hurried to my seat in the back and buried my nose in the novel I had brought.

           "Long time no see." I raised my head to see concern-filled green eyes looking at me from the desk in front of mine. "How’s it going?"

           "It’s going okay. Just been kind of busy with mid-terms coming up and everything." I grinned. I didn’t know what to say to Dagny, or how to explain if she decided to ask. I had only seen her during class and that was it. I didn’t usually come in early anymore, and as soon as class was over I bolted for the door. Being around Dagny was confusing me too much. If I just avoided her maybe the issue would go away. I didn’t even know if she was part of the problem, but I figured since it started once I figured out who she was.

           "Yeah, I understand all about those mid-terms. Not looking forward to those. Not only do I have to deal with my own classes, I have to grade all of yours, too." She smiled, I smiled back with a nod.

           "I can imagine." She folded her fingers together, leaning on my desk. She stared down at her hands then back up at me. I know something was going through that mind of hers. I could see a question on the tip of her tongue, but she seemed to decide against asking.

           "Listen, Chase, if you need to talk about anything, or are having any problems, you can talk to me, okay?" she looked into my eyes, trying to convey her concern with a look. I nodded.

           "Thanks." I smiled, hoping it was believable. Yes, Dagny, I have something wrong! I’m confused. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Why does my world seem to be falling off it’s axis? Why does your name come up when I think of my problems?

           "Okay." She patted my arm, rose to head to the front of the room as students began to arrive.

 *  *  *

           I stood on the stage, the lights just know going down in the bar. We had worked out a heavy mix of classic rock and modern music. Mike began, clicking his drumsticks together to the count of three, and the band joined in. Making my way through music from Led Zeppelin, Skid Row, Barenaded Ladies, even a Cyndi Lauper song. The audience, mostly made up of twenty and thirty-somethings appreciated the selections, both able to relate. In short, we had the place rockin’.

           We had been performing at the bar for a month and a half, and I had finally gotten o the point where I nearly felt at home up there. The crowds were getting bigger and bigger as word of our band spread through the community and campus. Tonight before we had gone on Greg had asked if we’d be interested in playing on Wednesday nights when it was eighteen and older night. I had told him I’d think about it. I was the only one in the band who really half way gave a shit about school. Mike was edging closer and closer to academic suspension everyday, and he was quickly getting to the point where he didn’t really care. I knew it was a matter of time before he just dropped out all together.

           I finished the song with one last yell of grievance in Skid Row’s ‘Eighteen and Life’. My sorrowful last note echoed out through the bar and the place erupted. I stepped back from the mic, a mile-wide smile plastered to my face.

           "Thank you! Be back in five." We had started out as openers for more well-known local bands, but now we were the main event. It felt damn good. I skipped down the stairs and headed to the bar. I was craving a huge glass of ice water. Greg was anticipatory, and had one waiting for me. He grinned at me.

           "You guys have like tripled my business." He leaned against he bar on his elbow as he looked out at the bar he’d bought from the original owner, Larry Gotfry, last year. He smiled at me again. "You know, there’s a few talent shows in the city that happen every summer. I bet you guys could do pretty damn well." He sipped from his own mug of water. I looked at him and shrugged.

           "I don’t know. I kind of like what we’re doing now." He shrugged and walked to help another customer.

           "Hey. You did great." I turned to see Mike standing behind me. He smiled. Things between us had become difficult. I felt like I was distancing myself from him, and I know he didn’t understand. He was a good guy, but I just didn’t feel like I was getting what I needed from him. Had I ever?

           "Thanks. You, too. You had a killer solo there." I smiled, leaning back against the bar, staring out at the customers. People waved and smiled at us, I gladly waved back. Part of me wished someone would come up and talk to us so I could get out of this uncomfortable position. I had the distinct feeling that if Mike and I were alone lately he’d ask me questions that I just didn’t want to answer. Then I saw her, the distraction I needed. I smiled, and I could hear Mike cursing under his breath.

           "Hey, guys. You were fantastic."

           "Thanks, Dagny. Great crowd, great place, you know. All that stuff helps." The TA grinned, smacking me lightly on the arm.

           "Yeah, right. It helps when the talent kicks ass all on their own." She turned to my boyfriend who was looking pretending to study his watch. "You’re pretty great on those things." She indicated the drums on the stage behind us. He smiled.

           "Thanks. Excuse me." He hurried between us, heading out to the stage. Dagny followed him with her eyes, then turned back to me, her eyes filled with a question. How could I possibly tell her that she was part of the problem? Mike did not like Dagny, and I really didn’t know why. Did he see her as a threat? I didn’t understand it.

           "He’s been having some problems lately." I explained, though my voice was weak, and it sounded lame to my own ears. "So, did you enjoy it?" I leaned back against the bar again, sipped from my glass. Dagny nodded vigorously.

           "You guys have gotten so good. I mean, don’t get me wrong, you were good from the start, but I have to tell you, Chase, you are superb. The rest of the guys are good, and know what they’re doing, but you really reach into here," she put her hand on her chest. "You really have a gift, Chase." I looked down, running my hand down the front of my tank so she wouldn’t see the color of my face.

           "Thanks." I finally smiled up at her.

           "Awe, are you embarrassed? That is too cute." She grinned, patted my arm. Her hand was so warm against my already heated skin. Her comments made me that much more embarrassed and red. "Well, hey, I’ll let you go before you turn into a tomato, okay?" she laughed. I nodded, feeling like an idiot. Dagny rubbed my forearm then walked back to her friends. I took a deep breath, my hand going to my arm of its own accord, still able to feel Dagny’s fingers there.

           I decided I needed to talk about how I was feeling, I needed some feedback to understand the source. Carrie. I had called her up to make sure she was in the dorm, and told her I’d be there after I took a take-home quiz for Ethnic Lit.

           The door was already open, the music of Pink pulsing out into the hall. I rolled my eyes, hoping she’d be lucid and sober enough to talk to me. I heard laughing follow the music out, and it was male. I sighed. Shit. Finally reaching the door I peeked in. Carrie and some guy were laying on her bed on their sides facing each other. The guy seemed to be trying to tickle her. I looked around the room, empty and not so empty bottles of liquor everywhere.

           "Okay, nooooo," I turned back to the bed to see the guy trying to run his fingers up under her shirt. I don’t think that would have been a problem, anyway. That shirt was so tight, nothing could fit underneath, hell her own breasts barely did.

           Leaning against the doorframe, I cleared my throat. Carrie looked up, pushing the guy away, nearly off the bed. She smiled big, her red lipstick spread over her teeth and smudged all around her mouth.

           "You gotta go now, Robby. My friend Chase needs to talk." My best fried stood from the bed on wobbly legs, straightening her clothes as she did. I saw Robby wince as he stood, then noticed the bulge in his pants. Oh, he’s going to be hurting. It took all I had not to laugh at the moron. He glared at me as he left. "Come here." Carrie sat on the bed again, patting it next to her. "What’s up, girl?" she grinned.

           "You look like a clown." I grabbed a couple of baby wipes she kept on her desk for this purpose, and wiped her mouth. "Stop," I warned as she squirmed against me. I felt like I was wiping the mouth of a two year old. Finally she pushed me away, running the back of her hand across her mouth.

           "So talk to me." I sat next to her. Talk. What to say?

           "I don’t know. I need to talk about Dagny." Carrie grinned, putting her hand to her chest.

           "Oh, yes. Please? That woman makes me cream my pants." She shifted on the bed to prove her point. I glared at her.

           "That’s gross, Car." She laughed wildly.

           "Okay. Sorry. Continue." I shook my head, feeling sick to my stomach as I watched my friend. How pathetic. I stood.

           "I’ll talk to you later, when you’re sober." Carrie grabbed my arm, looking up at me with desperate eyes.

           "No, please stay, Chase? I’m sorry, please? We just had a few, and we’d already planned it, I’m sorry." I looked at her, trying to decide what to do. I did need to talk. I sat, and Carrie clung to me. "Talk. But," she put up a finger, "First I want to run an idea by you." I looked at her, baffled, but nodded my consent. "Well, I can’t get that old babysitter of yours outta my mind, so I’m thinking I’ll ask her out to lunch, or maybe dinner. What do ya think? There’s no confic, confle, conflict of innerest cause she’s not my teacher." I swallowed back the tears in my throat. This was a lost cause, the alcohol she’d drank recently finally taking effect. And how could I talk about Dagny with someone who I sensed really didn’t want to hear about it? "Think she’d go?" Carrie slurred out. I looked at her with disgust as my stomach tightened and clenched. I had the picture in my mind of Carrie sitting across the table from Dagny, talking with her, smiling and flirting. I suddenly felt angry, real angry, and real jealous.

           I sat up, shocked at the realization. I looked at my friend who was looking at me, confused, and trying to stay awake. I was jealous; not of Dagny, but of Carrie. I didn’t like the possibility of Carrie spending time with Dagny when I don’t, outside of class. Stunned, I wanted to get out, be alone, chew on this newest bit of information.

           I stood, headed for the door.

           "Chase? Where you goin’?" Carrie tried to stand, but fell back to the bed. "Don’t leave,"

           "Sober up, Carrie. You’re really starting to fuck your life up." I said with entirely too much venom, but couldn’t stop myself. I slammed her door shut, and dug my hands in my pockets as I headed out to my building.

           As I walked in the cool night, the stars hidden by the lights of Tucson, I began to think, wondering about life and the life I knew. I had had crushes before, everyone does. Small cutsie little things on people that you wish to be like, look like, or want to be friends with. But I had had a crush on Dagny when I was eight, I recognized that now. So what was this? It felt different.

           I sighed, filled with so much sadness. Who was there to talk to about this? My family was out, Mike was out for sure. Carrie hurt me tonight. I needed her, and she let me down. Again. I love her dearly, and she has been my best friend for almost my whole life. But what was she doing with her life? I had a bad feeling in my stomach when it came to her. I’d never turn my back on her, and I hoped she knew that, but I did need some space. I needed to get my life and future in order.

 *  *  *

           I couldn’t keep the smile from my face as I strummed the guitar, the group of kids sitting on the floor around me smiling and clapping along. Natalie stood next to me reading the words from the scripture in time with the music, almost a biblical rap song. The kids at this bible study were anywhere from nine to thirteen. Natalie and her other theologians had gotten the idea to start a kid study on Thursdays, and she had asked me to participate and supply the music. Yet again, shocked at my agreement, I did it.

           The song came to an end and the kids clapped their appreciation. I smiled, resting my hands on Melo as I answered questions about music, guitars and singing. Some of the questions were actually pretty good. Very insightful and well thought out. I laughed with the kids, was amused and amazed at their depth at such young ages, and charmed to no end.

           "Okay, my young friends, I’m sorry but I have to go." A chorus of no! rang out, and I nodded sadly. "I have to go study."

           "Are you going to go study your bible?" a young girl asked, her big blue eyes so expressive and curious. I smiled.

           "Um, well not exactly. I have to go study for a Psychology test."

           I left the YWCA feeling so good, good enough that I whistled as I made my way to my car. I put my guitar in the back and whistled my way to the driver’s seat. I slid in behind the wheel, grinned out into the night like an idiot, then headed back toward campus.

           I walked in the early morning to my French class, lost in my own thoughts when out of the fog I heard my name. I turned to see Carrie running over to me. She finally caught up, out of breath.

           "Hey." She said, bending over, hands on her knees.

           "Hi." Finally getting herself together, she stood, but could not look me in the eye.

           "Listen, um, I’m really sorry about last night. You needed to talk, and I wasn’t there for you." She paused, finally looking at me when I said nothing. "To be honest I really don’t remember anything, what was said or anything, but um, well, I’d like to try again." I looked at her, listened to her entire speech. I realized about half way through I could smell alcohol on her. It was before eight in the morning, and she had already been drinking.

           "Carrie, you have a real problem." I said, crossing my arms over my chest. "How did you get so gone so fast?" she looked at me, confused. I leaned toward her, looking her in the eye. "I can smell Jack Daniels on you." She took a step back, her eyes drifting again. "You’re headed for shit, Car. What are you doing?" Her chin lifted, her eyes defiant.

           "And to think I came over here to apologize to you and offer my friendship." She looked me up and down, walked away. I watched her go, my heart in my stomach. I didn’t know what to do. My shoulders slumped, and I headed to class.

           I walked through the door, glad to see it was empty. Dr. Bordeux was sitting at his desk in his usual crisp attire. He smiled at me.

           "Bonjour, Chasse."

           "Bonjour." I muttered as I walked to my seat. I set my bag down on my desk when I heard the door to the classroom close. I looked over my shoulder to see my professor walking to me, a determined look on his face. He sat on the desk top in front of mine.

           "Talk to me, Chase. What’s been getting you so down lately." He folded his fingers and waited patiently. At first I just stared at him, not wanting to talk to him about anything. Seeing the expectant look in his eyes, and sometimes it’s better to talk to someone who is not involved, least biased way to go. With a sigh I sat in my chair, looked out the window.

           "I’m so confused, Dr. Bordeux. Nothing in my life makes sense anymore. My best friend and I are at a crossroads, I don’t have a major nor any idea what I want to do, and my parents have put the weight of the world on my shoulders." I glanced up at him. "How’s that?" he smiled, sitting back a bit on the desk, nodding.

           "Life can certainly be rough sometimes, Chase. This is true. Especially at your age." He rubbed his chin, studying me the entire time. "Sometimes what you need to do in life is sit back, observe what you have. Find our passions in life, Chase. If you live your passions, you will be a much happier person in the long run. As for not having a major as of yet, you really aren’t that uncommon. Many, many freshman come to school with no inkling of what they’d like to do. See what your loves in life are. I hear you play a mean guitar at Gotfry’s on Friday nights." He winked at me, I grinned. "If that’s where your passions lie, then go with it. If you find you love Math and can’t get enough of division, go down that path." He put a hand on my shoulder. "Life is full of paths, and each one can teach us a different lesson. It’s up to us to use them for our good."

           I smiled at my teacher, honored he’d take the time to notice something was wrong with me. I nodded.

           "As for your friend. When people come to college it’s generally their first time away from home for any long length of time. Granted, I don’t know what’s happened there, but each person deals with that freedom in his or her own way. Time will pass, and it will also tell if you grow together or apart."

           "Thank you, Dr. Bordeux. I’ll do my best."

           "I know you will. I have every faith in you." He winked again, and scooted off the desk, opened the door, and sat back in his chair, almost looking as he had never spoken a word to me.

 *  *  *

           As I sat in class, my revelation from the night before came crashing back to me. I looked at Dagny who sat at her desk grading papers, and I felt myself blush. It’s almost when you have a sex dream about someone you know, then the next time you see them it all comes back to you, and you feel guilty though you did nothing wrong.

           Taking a deep breath and a lot of swallowing, I walked down the aisle to her desk. When she heard me approach, she lifted her head. As soon as she saw me, she smiled.

           "Howdy."

           "Hi." I looked down at the stack of papers that were in a neat pile right in the center of the desk, and the smaller pile of finished papers to the side. "More grading, huh? You now, if you’d stop assigning stuff you wouldn’t have near as much to do." She grinned at me, cocking her head to the side.

           "Ha ha. Yeah, that’ll happen."

           "Just a thought." I smiled, not feeling any of the confidence behind that smile.

           "So what’s up?" she put her pen down, running a hand through her hair, tucking it behind her ear. She looked beautiful today in a mint-green dress with cap sleeves, and a skirt that reached to just above her knees. She re-crossed her legs as I stumbled through things in my head to say to that question.

           "Well, um, my class tonight after this one has been canceled for the day, so I was wondering if, um, well, if you’d like to get a coke or something?" she looked at me, sizing me up.

           "Are you okay?" God, was it that apparent? I really needed to learn to hide it better.

           "Well, Carrie and I are having problems. I kind of need to talk. You know."

           "Yeah, I do. Sure. That sounds good. I didn’t get a chance to eat lunch today, so do you mind if I grab something?"

           "Oh," I couldn’t eat right now if my life depended on it. "Sure." I smiled, feeling like little Ralphie from ‘A Christmas Story’ when he gives his teacher the fruit basket to give him a good grade on his Christmas essay.

           "Great." She smiled, patting my hand. "Sounds good."

           The café was bustling around us, people coming in and going out in large groups. Dagny dug into her cheeseburger with an appetite that scared me. God forbid anyone get their fingers in the way. I sipped my Dr Pepper with amusement.

           "So, what’s the problem? You talk, I’ll eat." She drowned a French fry in her ketchup-mayonnaise mixture, and popped it into her mouth. I shrugged, playing with my straw.

           "She’s going to ruin her life." I said simply. "Last night I went to her dorm to talk about something, and she was loaded, and had some strange guy in there."

           Dagny wiped her mouth, shaking her head sadly. "So I’m guessing you didn’t really get to talk?"

           "No." I said quietly when it hit me what I had gone to talk to Carrie about.

           "Anything I can help you with?" I nearly choked on the drink I’d just taken. I coughed, beating my chest to help clear my lungs. "You okay?" she reached across the small table, pounding me on the back. I nodded, red faced and watery eyes.

           "I’m okay."

           "You sure?" I nodded again.

           "And it’s just something I need to work out myself. No big deal." I tried to smile, but wasn’t very successful. Dagny seemed to take the weakness for choking, which I was glad for. I really didn’t need questions.

           I felt emotionally exhausted after I’d told my tale. I also felt very sad.

           "I guess when I talk about it, and dig a little further in the past I realize that Carrie’s had a problem for a while." I shook my head, my hand running through my hair. Dagny nodded, sipping from her chocolate milk shake.

           "Hindsight. We don’t see what we don’t want to; people are famous for it. What would you like to see happen with Carrie?" I looked at her, shaking my head again.

           "I’m not sure, to be honest. I just want her to be happy."

           "How do you know she’s not?" Dagny raised a brow. "I hate to play devil’s advocate, but has she said anything about being unhappy? I mean, sure she’s not doing what she, quote end quote should be doing, but it seems to be what’s her bag right now." I sat back in my chair, not sure what to think or do. I knew that Dagny was right, and Carrie certainly had to live her own life, but how could I watch her fall into the void?

           Eventually we moved from the subject of Carrie to that of Mike. I told her how he was letting it all slip away, just like Carrie. When he had started he had been an A student, excelling in the sciences and had dreams of becoming a renowned scientist, the first to discover the cure for cancer. Dagny smiled.

           "Sounds like me. When I first started with psychology, I had visions in my head of becoming the first psychologist to find a cure for schizophrenia." She smiled. "You have to love the young and idealistic. As for Mike, he may get back on track, Chase. If you care enough, stick with him." I sighed, setting my fork down, the last piece of my pie on the plate. I looked at it, trying to decide if I wanted it or not.

           "That’s part of the problem, Dag. I just don’t know if it is worth it to me. I feel like I am going in such a different direction than my friends."

           "It sounds to me like you’re growing. That’s important, Chase. You have to grow or you become stagnant." I looked at her, studying her face as she sipped the last of her shake.

           "How do you know when you’re done?"

           "Growing? Oh, you never do. You never stop growing, Chase. You never stop learning. It’s a life-long thing. One of the great things about life, actually. I mean, would you really want to get to a point where you stop? Stop learning, stop understanding?" I nodded.

           "It’s funny. Where I’m at right now, part of me just wishes I were already seventy years old. By that time I would know what I had down with my life, which paths I would have chosen, and I’d know who I was. Now, I feel like such a child." She smiled understanding.

           "I understand, Chase. Really I do." I looked at her, my head slightly cocked to the side. She was so together, so with her life.

           "Can I be you when I grow up?" she grinned, looking at me like I’d just eaten a bug.

           "Why on earth would you want to subject yourself to that?" she took the straw from the paper cup her shake had been in and began to chew on it. I laughed.

 *  *  *

           Mike had been quiet on the drive to Doug’s house. His motorcycle had broken down again, and I had picked him up. He had sat in the passenger seat, his hands in his lap as he stared out the side window. I glanced over at him off and on, wondering what was going on. I knew he had left school yesterday, his grades so far gone, too hard to bring back up, he had just quit. I wondered if he was bothered by that, or if it was something else.

           I pulled into the driveway and turned the car off. Without a word or a look, Mike got out. I watched him through the windshield as he walked up to the open garage door, shaking hands and patting Doug’s back. With a sigh, I got out, too.

           Rehearsal went well, some new songs being thrown into the bucket. I did not sing well, my mind on too many things, none of which involved music.

           "Whoa, whoa. Chase, where the hell were you? You missed your cue." Doug looked at me with narrowed eyes.

           "I’m sorry, guys. My mind just left me." I put my hand up to wave off the last song. "Let’s try that one again." Albert on keyboards started the intro again to ‘The Rose’. I closed my eyes as I heard my cue coming, then softly began to sing. I kept my eyes closed, wanting to see the song in my mind, then my mind’s eyes became filled with pictures of Dagny. I saw her sitting across from me, eating, laughing, talking. All the things she did when we went to lunch last Monday. I couldn’t get it out of my mind.

           Finally rehearsal was over, and for the first time, I was glad. I didn’t want to be around people, and definitely not Mike. I pulled up to his apartment building, but he just sat there, staring out into the night, a slight rain falling.

           "You okay?" I asked, really just wanting to go home.

           "Are you seeing someone?" he asked, not looking at me. I was completely taken aback, not expecting that to come out of his mouth, nor to be accused of it.

           "No. Why do you ask that? Where the hell did that come from?" he shrugged.

           "You’re just so, I don’t know, distant, I guess." He looked at me, pain in his eyes. "What’s happened to us, Chase?" I sighed and shrugged.

           "I don’t know, Mike. I really don’t."

           "We used to have so much fun together. I swear, since you’ve met up with that psychology bitch, our relationship has turned to shit."

           "Stop right there, Mike." My voice lowered to a dangerous level. "Dagny is my friend. She has nothing to do with us."

           "No? Then why do I have to hear her fucking name every time we’re together? Why is she always at the bar on Friday nights?"

           "A lot of college kids are at the bar on Friday nights, so don’t even try that shit with me."

           "I’m tired of her!" he slammed his fist against the dashboard. "I don’t want that bitch around you anymore, you got it?" he looked at me, pointing an accusing finger at me. I looked down at it, then up into his eyes, mine turning cold.

           "Don’t you dare try to tell me what I can or can’t do, Michael. You don’t have a prayer." I almost smiled, thinking how proud Natalie would have been. "You’re not my father, nor are you my keeper."

           "Don’t you see, Chase? Since you’ve met her we’ve begun to fall apart."

           "Have you thought to look at yourself?" he looked at me, stunned. I felt bad as soon as the words were out of my mouth. Mike really didn’t have a whole lot to do with it. It was me, the one who decided to have a mid-life crisis in the middle of my Freshman year of college. "I’m sorry, Mike. That was uncalled for. It’s not you," I trailed off, looking down at my hands as they played with the steering wheel.

           "Are you ah, are you saying you want to break up?" he wouldn’t look at me, instead hiding his face from me as he looked down and away.

           "I don’t know." I said quietly, not really sure. "Is that what you want?" he turned to me, surprising me with the tears in his eyes.

           "Don’t put this on me, Chase. It’s your baby. Either you do or you don’t. Pretty simple." I stared at him, seeing the pain in his eyes, the rejection in his body language. Slowly I nodded.

           "Yeah, I think so."

           Mike nodded, pressing his lips together. He took a deep breath before a small sob escaped him, ripping at my chest.

           "Mike," I reached a hand out to his shoulder.

           "Don’t touch me." He fumbled for the handle to the door, finally finding it, pushing the door open. He hurried out of the car, and out of my life.

PART 4

           I SAT AT MY desk, my heart beat finally starting to slow as Dagny collected the last of the papers. That was just not nice. My first finals experience, and it was a so-so event. It could go either way for me. I exhaled for the first time in nearly four hours. I felt faint, but in general just damn glad it was over.

           I looked around to see everyone else either looking around, too, or burying their face in their hands. But as everyone did their own thing, there was almost a community sigh of relief, a quiet that was part worry, happiness, and exhaustion. Almost like a tomb.

           I looked to the front of the room to see Dagny getting all the tests in order, stacking them neatly as she looked out at all of us. She found my gaze and smiled with a slight nod, and wiped her hand across her forehead with a smile. I nodded and smiled in return.

           The class was over, and students were trickling out, some talking with Dagny, shaking her hand, thanking her for a great class. I sat where I was, trying to get my bearings again. My mind felt like mush.

           "You still breathing?" I looked up to see a very amused Dagny looking down at me, arms crossed over her chest. I nodded, mouth slightly open. She laughed. "Come on. You look like you could use a drink. Coke okay?"

           We found a small restaurant off campus, sat in a booth near the back. I hadn’t eaten in two days, so worried about finals and too busy studying for the first time in my life. I had Bordeux’s yesterday, and it had been just as mind boggling as Dagny’s.

           "So what do you think of college now?" she grinned as she prepared her cheeseburger. I glared.

           "It sucks. Why did you make that test so damn hard?" I put some salsa on my taco salad. She laughed again, shaking her head.

           "Ain’t them just the breaks." I shrugged.

           "All in all I have to say that these weren’t all that hard, really." I looked at her, fork poised to my mouth. "It was actually quite interesting. I’m thinking I really like this psychology stuff." I looked at her from under my bangs. She was smiling like a kid at Christmas.

           "Really?" she put both hands flat on the table, slightly leaning forward. "I’m so glad." I smiled at her enthusiasm.

           "Me, too." I wondered what she’d do if I told her I was thinking of going into it. I mean, hell, I thought it was interesting and I seemed to be good at it. We’d see how my finals turned out.

           "So what are your plans for Christmas?" I asked, wiping some cheese from my lip as I took a bite. Dagny looked down at her lunch, dipping a French fry in her special sauce.

           "Well, since my father is still overseas, my mom is going over to be with him." She looked up at me with a small smile. She popped the fried potato into her mouth.

           "Oh. So, you get to have a foreign holiday?" I put my taco down, wiping my hands. She shrugged.

           "No. It’s really not worth it to me to fly all that way for just a few weeks anyway. Probably just hang out here. That’s what I did last year." She smiled. "I bought this beautiful little tree, it’s about three feet tall. Decorated the little guy, and stuck him in the corner of my apartment." She sipped her Coke. "I go all out."

           "But you’re alone." I said, incredulous.

           "What can you do? I just make the best of it. And I’ll have you know I make a mean turkey." I looked down at the remains of my taco mess, and without much thought, and certainly without talking with the folks,

           "Why don’t you come home with me?" I swallowed as the realization of what I’ve just done smashed into my brain.

           "Oh, I couldn’t intrude on your family like that." She smiled. I shrugged.

           "It wouldn’t be an intrusion at all. We usually just end up fighting each other anyway. I mean, at least now I’d have someone in my corner."

           She looked at me, cocking her head to the side as she studied me. I just stared, not wanting to lower my eyes because I didn’t want her to think I’d changed my mind or didn’t mean it. She smiled, covered my hand with her own.

           "You got yourself a dinner guest."

           I sat on my bed, phone up to my ear. I watched Natalie as she knelt by the side of her bed on the folded towels, hands pressed together. She had been that way for nearly thirty minutes. What did she do? Shoot someone? I leaned back against the wall as I listened to the ring of the phone. Ring number three, number four. I was about ready to hang up when my mother’s voice was suddenly there.

           "Hey."

           "Hello, honey. How did finals go?" I rolled my eyes, my fingers playing with the chord of the phone.

           "Fine. I have one more to go. But the others weren’t so bad." I wiggled my toes, watching them for something to do to keep my mind busy so I wouldn’t tell my mom what I really thought as I listened to her babble on and on about Carla, and the special mentions of her in the newspaper in Berkley. "That’s great. And I’m glad you mentioned her coming home for Christmas because that’s why I’m calling."

           "Why’s that?" her voice hardened a little. I think she was afraid I was going to tell her I was either indeed running away with that circus, or worse, dropping out of school to move back home.

           "I’ve invited a friend to come with me." The line grew silent for a moment though I could hear her breathing.

           "Who?"

           "Dagny." Like the sun bursting through the clouds, my mother’s voice lightened.

           "Really? How nice." I could hear the smile. "Why isn’t she going to her own family?"

           "They’ll be out of the country."

           "Oh, what a shame. You bring her along, and I just can’t wait! She’s such a nice girl, so polite, and so ambitious." I closed my eyes. Somehow, to my amazement, I was not jealous of the fact that Dagny could provoke such excitement. Perhaps because I understood. I could just imagine Dag in the middle of my family. The large table that my mom would put leaves in to extend it to its full length, large enough to accommodate twelve people. "Your grandparents will be there, and Carla is bringing Todd of course." I grimaced at the thought of my sister’s boyfriend. He was about as interesting as a field post.

           After another half hour of listening to my mom run on and on about her plans for the holidays, I hung up with her, running my hands through my hair. I turned to see my roommate had finished her prayers and was lying in bed, hands behind her head. She was staring up at the ceiling. I drew my brows, a realization suddenly coming to my mind.

           "Natalie?" she looked at me, raised eyebrows in question. "What is your major?"

           "Biology." I looked at her, shocked. "I know what you’re thinking. It definitely goes against my beliefs." She shrugged. "I love it." I shook my head with a smile as I flipped off my desk lamp to get some sleep.

 *  *  *

           The scenery whooshed by as I drove along the highway, headed home. I turned to my right to see Dagny looking out her window, arm resting along the door, window open to allow the breeze from unusually warm seventy-five degree December day, in. The wind was blowing through her hair, blowing it away from her face, her sunglasses mirroring the sun high above us.

           "Such a beautiful day." She said, smiling at me. I nodded.

           "Too hot, though. I want snow. Never had a white Christmas in my entire life. Hell, I’ve barely even seen snow." She looked at me, pulling shaded down to look at me over the rims.

           "You’re kidding me." I shook my head. "Well, we’ll have to take care of that." She put the glasses back in place, turned up the radio. I couldn’t keep the smile from my face at her energy and exuberance. She was such a different person away from school, away from all the stress and responsibilities.

           All classes and the semester had officially ended Monday, so I was also like a kid in a candy store, all smiles and laughter. I wasn’t expecting to be so excited to go home for Christmas, but then I wasn’t expecting to be bringing home my Psychology teacher either.

           There was only one car in the driveway, and it belonged to my father. I wasn’t sure if they were home or not. Dagny smiled, taking her glasses off and putting them on top of her head.

           My dad had put up the Christmas lights all around the place already, the little plastic Santa with the light in him was set next to the front door, his hand up to wave at all the kids. Eight plastic reindeer followed by Santa and his sleigh were positioned on the roof.

           "Looks just like it always did." She stared out at the adobe-style house that I had been born and raised in. "It was always such a beautiful place. I love the decorations." I tried to look at it through the eyes of someone who hadn’t seen the house for ten years, and I did realize that it was a nice home. I had just taken it for granted for so long that I only saw the cage, not the shelter.

           We grabbed our bags and headed inside. It was nice and cool, a lot of the house furnished in hard wood flooring and Mexican tile as opposed to carpet to keep things comfortable. Rugs were scattered here and there, especially in the bedrooms.

           "Hello?" I called out. No answer. I looked around to see the house was empty. I figured they were probably out in the pool or hot tub. "Well, come on." I lead Dagny upstairs to the room she’d be using. It was small, but had a nice big bed, an arm chair in the corner and a dresser as well as her own bathroom.

           Dagny dropped her bag on the bed, turned in a slow circle to take in the entire room. "Do you remember that weekend I stayed with you when your parents went skiing in Colorado?" she looked at me, a smile on her face. I thought for a moment, then my smile matched hers. I nodded.

           "Yeah. I’ve never eaten so many S’mores in all my life. And, I’ll have you know, I haven’t touched them since." Dagny threw her head back and laughed. She put her arm around my shoulder.

           "Come on, Chase. Let’s go find some trouble."

           We hurried down the stairs, giggling like school children. I was thrown back in time to an eight year old who liked her babysitter better than her own parents.

           The weekend my parents went on their get away, at first I had been so upset with them for not taking me, afraid I would be stuck staying with my grandma Carol. She always took me to the nursing home when she took care of her mother, and wanted to show me off to all my great grandmother’s friends. I always got so bored.

           I stomped my foot on the floor, my arms crossed over my chest as I pouted.

           "I wanna go." I didn’t want to cry, but could feel the sting behind my eyes, trying to blink it away, which was the wrong thing to do. When I blinked it forced the tear out of my left eye. Impatiently I wiped it away.

           "Now stop that, Chase." My father said, his finger in my face. "Your mother and I are going, and you’re not. That’s final." He went outside to load the car. My mother came down the stairs, heavy coats folded over her arm. She looked at me.

           "Honey, you’ll have fun." She kissed me on the forehead.

           "I won’t! Grandma will make me go to the nursing home." I stomped again. I was a bit of a brat as a child. My mom smiled, running her hand through my hair.

           "You’re not going to Grandma Carol’s, honey. Dagny is coming to stay with you." I stared up at her, ready for her to tell me she was only joking and Grandma would be there in a few minutes. She held her smiled, understanding in her eyes.

           "Really?" I squeaked out weakly. She nodded, kissed my forehead again. I was thrilled, but didn’t want them to see that, so I continued to pout. Maybe if I acted sad long enough they would take me and Dagny both with them. It never worked, but it didn’t hurt to keep trying.

           My mom leaned down to my ear. "I don’t blame you, honey. I wouldn’t want to go with Grandma Carol, either." She stood, smiling down at me. I looked up at her, incredulous. She’d say something like that? I grinned. She put her finger to her lips for me to be quiet. I nodded. Our little secret. I liked it when mom trusted me with little secrets.

           An hour later Dagny had rode up on her bike, a smile on her face. She had a grocery bag on her handlebars, and brought it in with her to show me after my parents left.

           "Do you know what S’more’s are, Chase?" I shook my head. "Well this weekend you’re going to find out."

           That night we had set everything out on the back patio, a jar of marshmallow cream, a small stack of Hershey bars, and a box of Graham crackers.

           "Okay, this is what you do." She then began to build the treat, my eyes opened wide as I watched her intently. A smiled spread across my face at the complete creation, and I couldn’t wait to get that thing in my mouth. "Here you go." I took the S’more most willingly from her, took my first bite, my eyes closing as the different tastes mixed together in my mouth. Oh, yeah. I could definitely handle a weekend of this.

           Dagny went out with my father to put more Christmas lights up on the roof, and my mother and I worked on the dinner. It was Christmas eve, and I was excited. Tonight, as was always our custom, we’d have a simple dinner and cookies, everyone opening one gift each, the rest to wait for tomorrow morning.

           "So how is school going?" My mom asked as she took all the innards from the turkey. I watched in warped fascination.

           "It’s going good. I’m starting to like it more, I think."

           "You’d better." She looked at me over her shoulder. "College isn’t cheap, Chase." She turned back to the bird in the sink.

           "Yeah, I know." I started on chopping vegetables for the salad for tonight’s dinner.

           "Have you given any thought to a career?" my mom finally found the bag of discarded turkey goodies that the dogs would find most yummy.

           "Well, um, actually I’m thinking about psychology." Her hands stopped, pulling out of the bird to rest on the edge of the sink. She looked at me.

           "What can you possibly do with that?" she continued with the turkey. I shrugged, at a loss of what to say. I had been excited and feeling better since I’d found something that had caught my interest. I hadn’t necessarily been excited to tell my parents about it, maybe because I expected just such a reaction.

           "Well, there’s a few things. I plan to go talk with my advisor after break." I shoved my sliced tomato slices to the side, and started on another one. I could feel my blood beginning to boil a bit, but holding it down as much as possible.

           "I don’t know, Chase. Your father and I were hoping you’d find something that could be very lucrative for you in the future, something that would have a future." She looked at me again, but I couldn’t return the look. My chopping had slowed down to barely anything as I tried to keep my emotions in. I felt my hopes dashed, crumbling around my feet.

           "Aunt Shelly is a counselor." I said, my voice quiet.

           "Yes, and Aunt Shelly is crazy. Of course she’d go into something like that, she understands those people. You, Chase are not crazy." I looked up at her. You people make me crazy! In my mind I yelled it, yelled it loud, then ran from the room. In reality I nodded, and continued to cut up vegetables.

           When dinner was finished, I wandered off to find a book. I kept thinking over and over again about what my mom had said, and her rejection of my idea. I felt my confidence in it slipping more and more. Was it the right thing to do? I hated law, had no interest in cutting people up. I could barely balance my own checkbook let alone run a business or do someone else’s checkbook. I sighed. I just did not know.

           "Hey." I looked up from Stephen King’s ‘The Talisman’ to see Dagny walking into the room. "I’ve been looking for you." She sat down on the couch next to me. "And here you are in the living room, all snuggled up with a book." She looked over at the bookshelves that lined the entire wall. She got up and walked over to it. "My mom was an avid reader, still is, actually." She picked a book out, flipping through its pages. "This book right here?" she showed me Ayn Rand’s ‘Atlas Shrugged’. "This is where I got my name." She opened up to a page, showed me. "This character right here." She tapped it with her finger for me.

           "Dagny Taggart?" I looked at her, she nodded.

           "Yup. My mom’s favorite character. You should have seen how I was teased for that when I was a kid." She shook her head with a small smile. "So how are you?" she plopped down beside me again, taking the book from me. I shrugged.

           "I’m okay." I stared down at the book in my hands. I wanted to talk to her about my conversation with my mom, but didn’t know how. I had never been very good at opening up to people. Would she laugh at me and tell me I was being childish? Overly sensitive?

           "You sure? You lookdown." She leaned her head down to see my face. I smiled, looking up at her.

           "Yeah." Maybe I’d talk about it later.

 *  *  *

           My sister, Carla stood at the sink of the main bathroom in our hall near our bedrooms. She was removing her makeup with some sort of white cream. She saw me pass by in the mirror.

           "Chase?" I stopped, backtracked to lean in the doorway.

           "Huh?" she smiled at me, patting the toilet lid.

           "I haven’t seen you in so long." I looked at my sister. She really was a beautiful girl, her long, flowing hair, chestnut like my mom’s, and her gray/blue eyes. She was not as tall as I was, but taller than our mother. Good height.

           I sat on the seat, my legs spread, elbow on both so I could split at any given sign of trouble. We weren’t the closest of sisters.

           "So how have you been? How is everything?" she continued with her before bed regimen, face mask to unclog your pores, followed by an abrasive cleanser that was left on for an additional ten minutes. Right now as she looked at me, she looked like Casper the Friendly Ghost, her hair pulled back into a ponytail to keep it off her face mask-white face.

           "I’m okay. Just glad to have a firm foothold now that the first semester is over." I grabbed a tube of her gunk and read the back.

           "I’m sure. It’s not fun to start." She smiled at me, I smiled back.

           "Yeah." I put the tube back, grabbed another one.

           "I’m proud of you, Chase. I think it’s fantastic that you’re going, and doing it. Mom and dad haven’t always been easy on you." She brushed some hair off my forehead. I was stunned. Who is this person, and where’s the pod she came out of?

           "Thanks."

           "You’ll do good, Chase. You’re a good egg." She ran her hand from my bangs to the top of my head, messed up my hair like I was a four year old. I giggled as I slapped her hand away.

           "Thanks, Carla." I stood, smiled, and walked out.

 *  *  *

           The Christmas tree stood in the corner of the living room, the star nearly reaching the ten foot ceiling. Lights were wrapped around it in abundance. Tinsel, little silver and gold balls and bells adorned it, making the tree glow when the lights were all off save for the tree’s lights. Underneath presents were piled up, covering the bottom half of it, and spread out into the room. My mom told me they had run out and gotten Dagny something, which shocked me to no end, but it was a very nice gesture, and made me feel like crap since I had nothing for her.

           Christmas eve came, and we sat around the tree drinking homemade eggnog and laughing. I have to say, this was the most fun I’d had with my family in so long, and I knew it was because of Dagny. She was funny, interesting, and everyone in the room just fell in love with her.

           I watched her, the way she interacted with my parents, and could match Carla point for point on just about any subject she brought up. Even the stiff Todd got into the action as they discussed the pros and cons of cloning. I looked at my parents, wondering if my father would get involved, but he just sat back, arm on the back of the couch around my mom’s shoulders, ankle crossed over his knee. He had a smile on his face, looking proud. My mother looked at me and smiled. I smiled back.

           I sighed, a feeling of satisfied peace washing over me.

           "You have the most wonderful family." I looked at Dagny as we walked off to bed. I grinned, shook my head.

           "You can have them." She laughed, rubbing my shoulder.

           "Be glad you’re all together, Chase." She smiled again, turned to head into her bedroom.

 *  *  *

           I laid in bed, the night drug on and still sleep eluded me. I glanced out the window to see the moon was high and bright. Perfect night for Santa. I smiled, remember the days when I was a kid, nearly having to tape my eyes shut to get any sleep. Christmas had always been a huge deal in my family. My mother’s parents were long gone, so it had just been my father’s folks, my folks and Carla. My mom’s sister, Shelly had been the black sheep of the family for so many years, I couldn’t even remember what she had done that was such a sin, now.

           I shook my head to clear it. It didn’t matter.

           Dagny was in the room next to mine, we shared a wall at our heads. I wondered if she was asleep, if so, was she dreaming? What about? She was so different here, away from school. So relaxed, almost like a kid. She was fun and interesting at UA, but nothing like now. Today she had wadded up some wrapping paper and thrown it at me, ending up in an all out paper war, most of the make-shift snowballs being recycled as ammo. Even my parents had gotten into the action.

           I couldn’t keep the smile off my face when I was startled by a knock on the wall just above my head. My brows drew until the smile returned. I brought my hand up, quickly knocking five times. Within a few seconds the appropriate two knocks were returned. I chuckled to myself, knocked again, which was quickly followed by matching disembodied knocks. I felt like a little kid, giggling as our game continued, careful not to knock too loud and wake the rest of the house. The knocking stopped, and I was disappointed. Then I barely heard my name being called. I repositioned myself so I could put my ear to the wall.

           "Chase? Can you hear me?"

           "Yes," I pushed my ear as close to the wall as I could without pushing it inside my head. "Barely, but yeah."

           "Merry Christmas." I looked at my alarm clock: 12:04 a.m. I smiled.

           "Merry Christmas."

           "Good night." I was a bit bummed, but I knew we both needed sleep.

           "Night."

           I rolled over, a smile on my face as I closed my eyes and let sleep take me.

           Light was streaming in, right into my eyes, no less. I squeezed them shut as I rolled over to give the sun my back. Too late. I was awake. I groaned as I pushed myself out of bed, grabbing a pair of boxers and tank to wear downstairs.

           Everything was quiet as I crept down the stairs, feeling like I was nine again, not sure if I should be up. I made my way to the kitchen to put on the coffee, knowing it would be The Grinch Who Stole Christmas if I didn’t. Every year my mom bought a special blend of coffee from a specialty store, and this year was no different. I saw the brown bag folded and taped shut, next to the maker, picked it up. Chocolate Burst. Sounded good.

           Coffee going, I turned to head to the living room, but sucked in a breath as I nearly ran smack into Dagny. I put my hand to my chest.

           "God, you scared the crap out of me." I looked at her grinning face to see that her hair was wet. I was confused as my eyes drifted down to see her standing there in a bathing suit, towel wrapped loosely around her shoulders.

           "Sorry." She put her hand on my shoulder. "You mom said I could use the pool. I go for a swim every morning."

           "You still go out there and put your life in Poseidon’s hands, huh?" she grinned.

           "Yup. Every chance I get." She turned, sniffing the air. "Is that coffee brewing?" I nodded.

           "Yup. Chocolate Burst. You’re amongst drinkers here, my friend." I turned headed back into the kitchen, followed by Dagny.

           "And that’s bad because why again?" I stood at the counter in front of the maker, waiting for it to perk it’s last perk so I could pour us some. She stood next to me, slightly leaning over me to get a better smell. "Oh, that smells good." She took a step back from me. "I’m going to go get dried off and changed, then you can warm me up with a cup of that stuff." With a smile, she was gone. I watched her, watched everything about her. The way the towel clung to her body, the material wet from her wet suit and skin. He calves, muscular from years of swimming. The way her hair stuck up just a little in the back where it was starting to dry, turned a dark blonde with random streaks of darker color. She was beautiful.

           Finally everyone managed to get their butts out of bed, and somewhat presentable, gathered once again in the living room. The laughter was a bit more muted as my family tried to fight the sleepiness, and get into the groove for a long day. My mom had brought out a tray loaded with homemade cookies, cakes, pretzels, you name it. The one day of the year that she actually encouraged junk food before noon.

           Within moments the room was filled with the sounds of paper being ripped and crumpled, and the oohs and ahhs of happy gift recipients. Dagny sat on the floor next to the couch I was sitting on, her back resting near my legs as she watched a look of pure delight on her face. After a bit, Todd stood from the loveseat he and Carla were sharing.

           "Um, if I could have everyone’s attention?" he ran a hand through his close-cropped brown hair, his shorts and tee baring the name of he and Carla’s shared school. Everyone stopped what they were doing, giving him their full attention. I looked at my mom to see she was nearly vibrating out of her seat. Looking back at Todd, he had turned back to my sister, bending down on one knee. My eyes got wide, and I held my breath. Todd picked up a small package he had set near his pile of gifts.

           "Carla, this is for you." He handed it to her, and a curious Carla took it, turning the wrapped packaged this way and that. Finally she opened it, careful not to rip the beautiful ivory paper. She held up a dark green velvet jeweler’s box, looking at him, then back to the box. The lid squeaked over so slightly as it was slowly opened.

           "Oh, Todd." She breathed, her hand going to her mouth. Todd said nothing as he watched. I could see him sweating, and felt bad for the guy. I looked down at Dagny who was also watching with baited breath.

           "Will you marry me, as soon as we both finish school?" Carla looked up into his eyes, which I imagined were so expectant and hopeful. Leave it to them to throw school in there. She nodded, her eyes filling with tears. My mom sobbed quietly across the room, my father looking like he’d already walked my sister down the aisle. He let out a sigh, gathered her into his arms.

           "How sweet." Dagny whispered. I looked down at her, and sighed.

 *  *  *

           My mom started getting dinner together as Carla showed us her ring. It was beautiful, white gold band with a larger diamond in the center, and two smaller to either side. Simple and elegant. Dagny caught my eye, and nodded toward the French doors that would lead to the back patio. I followed.

           "Some day, huh? Your mom’s dinner smells so good." She took a deep breath, exhaling with a smile. "I can’t tell you the last really good home cooked meal I had." I nodded.

           "Yeah, know what you mean." We walked to the side of the pool, staring down into the crystal clear blue water. "Did you like the satchel my parents gave you?" I finally asked.

           "Yes. It came as quite a surprise, I must admit. I really didn’t expect anything. But, it was truly a nice gesture on their part." She reached into her pocket, withdrawing a piece of folded paper, handing it to me. "This is for you. I guess you could kind of say it was my gift to you." She smiled at me. Curious, I took the paper and unfolded it to find a computer print out of my records for her class. I scanned the page until my eyes found my final grade. 96% A. I looked up at her, my eyes wide.

           "Is this my grade?" she nodded. "No shit?" I looked at it again. She put her hand on my arm to get my attention. I looked into beautiful green eyes.

           "I want you to know that you earned that grade, Chase. You and I may be friends, and have a past, but I gave you no extra favors. You pulled that off all on your own." She pointed to the A. I smiled, nodded my understanding. "Merry Christmas." She grinned. I smiled back.

           "Merry Christmas. Oh, I guess this will be my gift to you; I’ve decided to go into Psychology." Her eyes lit up as she looked at.

           "Really?" I nodded. "Oh, Chase, that’s wonderful. I think you’ll do great things with it. What made you decide to do that?"

           I shrugged, beginning to walk along side the pool again. "I don’t know. Great teacher, I guess." She nudged my shoulder playfully with hers.

           "Thanks." We were both quiet for a few moments. "So you never learned to swim, huh?" I shook my head. "Hm. Interesting."

           I smacked my lips, comfortable in my own bed, arms wrapped around my pillow. I hadn’t slept so well since before finals. Eager for my dream to continue, I sighed.

           "Chase?" my brows knitted as I felt my body being shaken. Deciding to ignore it, I smacked my lips again. "Chase, wake up." My eyes slowly open, my very happy to be thus. Dagny was standing over me, her hand on my shoulder. I looked up at her wondering what the hell the deal was. She smiled when she saw that I was awake. "Come on. Come with me." I saw she wore her bathing suit with a pair of shorts on, her towel around her neck.

           "Why? Where?" I mumbled, trying to tell myself that it wasn’t still dark out, that I wasn’t being pulled out of sleep during my vacation.

           "Just come on." She grabbed my arm and tugged. With a groan I finally got up. "Get your suit on." Were her last words before she sauntered out of my bedroom. Was she serious?

           I followed Dagny down the stairs, and out the back door where she took off her shorts, and tossed her towel onto the lounger at poolside. She pushed some lose hair back behind her ear, her suit molded to the perfect shape of her body. I could not take my eyes off of her. Her breasts, slightly pushed together from the tight fitting Speedo, her legs muscular and gorgeous. Her butt-

           "Come on." Shaken out of my reverie, and feeling guilty for getting caught, I laid my towel next to hers. I had noticed that spending this one on one time with Dagny over the last week had sent my mind into outer space. My confusion grew daily, my attraction grew hourly. I stopped for a moment, staring at her as she dipped her toe into the pool to test the water. My attraction? What did that mean? Did mean like girl/guy attraction? As in physical, what Carrie felt for every single person she came upon? What did that say for me? Was it possible that I, that I,. I shook my head. I didn’t want to think about it. I wanted to find out why the hell Dag had drug me out of bed at five in the morning.

           "Is there a point to this?" I pouted.

           "There sure is." Without further ado, Dagny dived into the deep end, disappearing beneath the surface of the lit water, her body black in silhouette before she broke through the surface, eyes squeezes shut, hair plastered to her head as she shook the water off, and smiled. "Oh, that felt good." I just stared at her, arms crossed over my chest, feeling very uncomfortable and vulnerable standing on the edge of my parent’s pool in a bathing suit. I hated those things, and had to dig for it as I didn’t really have a use for them. I thought about the last time I had worn it. Why I had I bought the suit again? Like lightening, my thoughts evaporated as I came back to earth. Why did Dagny want me in it? I turned my attention back to my old TA, and was surprised to see her looking at me. She wasn’t looking in to my eyes, or looking at me like I was a moron like she usually did when I got lost in my own world. She was actually looking at me, as if for the first time. Confused, I suddenly felt very uncomfortable.

           "Dagny?" shaking her head, she looked up at me with a smile. Seeing I had her attention again, but still wondering what was up with that, I knelt down as she swam to the edge of the water, resting her forearms on the cement surrounding the pool. "Why did you drag me out here?"

           "I’m going to teach you to swim finally." I was taken aback.

           "You’re going to do what?"

           "Yup. So, come on in. The water’s great." She smiled at her own joke, pushed off the wall to float on her back toward the middle of the pool.

           "No, Dagny. I don’t think that’s such a good idea." I stared out over the water, thinking about how much of it could be in my lungs in a matter of seconds.

           "Come on, Chase. I felt so bad I couldn’t teach you when you were eight. Let me teach you now." I shook my head. "Please?" hearing the pleading in her voice and seeing the hope in her eyes, reluctantly, I nodded. "Yay!" she clapped her hands, swam to the edge of the pool again by the ladder. I walked over to it, slowly stepped down into the water, holding my breath as I got used to the cold water. This would definitely wake you up in the morning.

           "So do I get the little orange float things again?" I muttered, my words slurred as my teeth rattled against the cold. "God, this is cold."

           "I know. You’ll get used to it, I promise. And, no. You’re taller than I am now, so you’ll do just fine in the five foot." I grinned. How things change.

           "Okay, I’m in. Now what?" I looked at her for help. She made her way over to me in that slow-motion walk that always amused me.

           "Okay, now first of all you have to trust me." She looked into my eyes. "Okay?" I nodded. "Good. Know that I’m not going to let anything happen to you, and we can stop at any time." Again I nodded. Good to know, thought I seriously doubted I’d take her up on it. I didn’t want to disappoint her.

           Dagny went over the ways to breath, different strokes that I could do, ways to not panic. Just as in the classroom teaching her love of Psychology, her passion for the water was easily and clearly conveyed to me. She made it seem less scary and easy to conquer the world of swimming.

           "Okay, are you ready to try?" she asked, her hand on my arm.

           "I think so." I looked down into the depths of the water, glittering gold with the rays of the rising sun.

           "You sure?" I nodded. If I didn’t try this now, I’d never do it. "Okay. Want to copy me, what I do?"

           "Okay." I watched her as she pushed off of the bottom of the pool with the ball of her foot, and let her body be submerged, her head above the water as she looked back at me, nodding that I should follow. I did. I felt the air in my lungs seem to harden as my body took on the burden of the pressure on it, and for a second I wanted to panic. But then all of Dagny’s instructions and words of advice came back to me. I can do this, I can do this. I can, I can.

           I kept Dagny in my sights, seeing her was my source of strength, knowing I was doing this for her, and that she could save me should anything go wrong. Then suddenly, as if by a divine blow, I felt my drive coming from inside, not from fear. I wanted to do this, and I knew that I could. I threw myself into it, letting my head turn to the other side as I came up for air, pulling myself through the water with a grace I had never experienced before. I put my hand out, just as Dagny had taught me, and felt the wall. I stopped, putting my feet down, and turned to find a proud Dagny standing by the wall, watching me. She had the most beautiful look on her face, her eyes shining, arms crossed over her shoulders. I smiled, so mirrored it.

           "I did it." I whispered. She nodded.

           "Yes you did." She walked over to me, grabbed me in a monster hug, her body pressed to mine. It nearly knocked the wind out of me with its force, which wasn’t good since I was kind of short on wind, anyway, but I went with it. I wrapped my arms around her, holding her tight, grateful for her faith in me. She always made me feel I could do anything.

           "Thank you." I said in her ear, hugging her tighter. After a few moments, Dagny slowly pulled away, her hands on my arms. She looked up into my eyes.

           "I’m proud of you, Chase. For so many reasons. You have turned into such a wonderful woman, and I’m proud to have been your babysitter ten years ago, and I’m proud to have been your teacher last semester, and I’m proud to be your friend now." I stared at her, stunned.

           "Thank you, Dag. Um, I don’t know what to say."

           "There’s nothing to be said." She patted my arm with a smile. "Just keep being you. You’re doing one hall of a job." I chuckled.

           "You, too. You’re a pretty cool chick." It was her turn to laugh. "Care to swim a lap with me?"

           "You’re on."

 *  *  *

           I closed the trunk of my car, the last of our stuff put in. I know my folks would be alright with Dagny and I leaving now because they had so much to discuss with Carla and Todd’s wedding plans. I’m sure they would be glad to not have any distractions.

           My mom came outside, a box that had once held a case of soda loaded with Tupperware dished of Christmas dinner leftovers.

           "You two have a safe drive." She said as she hugged me.

           "Thanks, mom. We don’t have far to go,"

           "I know, but I just miss you." She kissed my cheek, and pulled away. "Dagny, honey, it was truly a pleasure to have you, and you are welcome here anytime." She hugged Dagny to my surprise. Carla and Todd stood at the front door watching out goodbyes, waving to us. I waved back as my father hugged me.

           "We’ll see you on your birthday." He said, patting my shoulder.

           "Oh, honey, I nearly forgot to ask. Are you coming home for your birthday?" I shrugged. I really didn’t want to, but knew my mom would absolutely devastated if I didn’t.

           "Sure. Tell me a time."

           "Okay, love." She hugged me again. "Don’t forget what we talked about with your future, honey. You really have to think these things through." She said in my ear. I squeezed my eyes shut, but nodded.

           I got into my car, thrilled to be going back to school. Who would have thought I’d ever say that?

PART 5

           I LOADED MY STUFF back into my dorm, glad to be back. It would be so nice to have a few weeks to do nothing. I smiled as I flopped down on my bed, not as soft or comfortable as that at home, but mine all the same.

           It was getting late, but I wasn’t tired in the least. I hated to admit it, and certainly probably would never admit it to Dagny, but our swim that morning had been completely invigorating. Who knew?

           With a sigh, I stood, intending to put away all my clothes and gifts that I brought with me from the holidays. I had been beyond shocked and excited when I had unwrapped an electric guitar, complete with amp and strap, Christmas morning. I really didn’t think my folks listened to my requests for more musical equipment. I pulled the beauty out of the case it came with, its glossy black body perfect and smooth as I ran my fingers over it.

           "Perfect." I remembered Dagny’s face as I had looked at it sitting by the tree. The look in her eyes had been priceless as she knew my secret at Gotfry’s, and I’m sure she was thinking all the things I was, imagining me up there on stage rocking along with my music. Yeah, this would be good.

           Carla and I had pretty much always gotten whatever we wanted our entire lives, and I think our parents only bought certain things for us because they thought that soon enough we’d lose interest in it, and it wouldn’t be an issue. I had to smile as I looked at my new guitar. They had no idea what they were supporting, and would freak if they knew. It made me sad that I couldn’t tell them, share with them my passion, and what some said was my gift. I wasn’t one to boast or brag, but I felt good and confident about what I did up there on that stage. I was proud.

           I wondered who we’d get as a drummer. Doug had called me up just before the break to tell me Mike had left Tucson, going back home to Phoenix. I felt bad, wondering how much of that decision I was responsible for. I knew he had gotten himself into academic trouble, but had I pushed him over the edge of trying?

           I sighed as my thoughts went to Carrie. I hadn’t seen nor heard from her all break. Her family only lived a few blocks away from mine, and the thought had crossed my mind more than once to call her, or go over there, but I couldn’t make myself do it. I loved Carrie and always would, but I felt the need to start over, like I’d outgrown my old life and my old self. I was molting.

           Suddenly I was hit with an inspiration. I grabbed my notebook and began to scribble away. I looked at what I had written, tasting the words on my tongue, then grabbed Melo. I placed my fingers on the notes, and began to strum softly.

 You touch my hand, you touch my soul
 You touch my heart, I am all yours
 You make me strong, tell me I can win
 I’m comfortable in my skin.

           I sang the lyrics again, then again, finding the right rhythm and tune. Putting my guitar down and staring down at the page, I realized I had just written the chorus to my song. I just needed a few more stanzas to this, but didn’t want to rush it. It would come in its own time.

 *  *  *

           It was my first full day without class and parents. No roommate, no parties. Just me and the book I stole from my folks’ house. I was curious, and wanted to know. I looked at the cover of Ayn Rand’s novel, wondering what lay within, and what had captivated Dagny’s mom so much.

           I made a comfy spot for myself on the bed, back against the wall, a can of Dr Pepper between my legs. I flipped through the first pages until I got to page one of the story. I felt the weight of the hefty book, wondering how I’d ever finish this thing. It was nine in the morning, and I had no plans for the day, so, with a hand to brush my hair out of my face, I began to read.

           I jumped when something banged. My head jerked up, looking around the room, which had grown dark. I looked down at the book in my hands, a thick slab of paper on the left, a sliver on the right. I blinked rapidly, my eyes burning from the hours of reading. Then the banging again. Someone was knocking on my door.

           I stood, stretching my arms above my head, my back screaming at me. I felt a surge of power flowing through me, tempted to growl at the ceiling. Why couldn’t there be real people and leaders out there like Dagny Taggart? This book was filled with empowering thoughts, ideas. No woman would be stomped by man or society. I grinned.

           "Who is it?" I called out in the middle of my stretch.

           "Dagny." I quickly put my arms down, looking frantically for some place to hide the book. Shoving it under my pillow, I hurried to the door.

           "Hi." I said, feeling foolish, like I’d been caught doing something. She smiled.

           "Hey. You okay?" she leaned in a little, looking around the room, then at me. "You alone in here?" I smiled, nodded.

           "Yup. All by my lonesome."

           "Can I come in?" I stepped back, leaving her space to walk by me. She looked around, seeing my newest baby leaning against the wall with Melo. "I bet you’re thrilled about this, huh?" She grinned knowingly at me.

           "Oh, yeah. You can definitely say that again. My eyes nearly bugged out of my head when I saw her." I looked at the guitar with pride.

           "I know. I was there." She walked over to my bed and sat, to my consternation, near the pillow. She put her hand down, looked down to see what she’d hit with the side.

           "Ow. What, you have rocks under here?" She lifted the pillow, then looked up at me with a grin. "Did you steal this from you parents?" I held my hands behind my back, completely uncomfortable, didn’t say anything. "Are you reading this, Chase?" She picked up the book, flipped through the pages, looking at me all the while.

           "Well, I saw it, and you picked it up, I was curious why your mom would read such a huge book, and wanted to know about your namesake, took lots of paper for that sucker, and well, yeah." I looked down shyly, feeling like a little kid. I couldn’t look her in the eye as I knew she was looking at me expectantly.

           "Is this because of what I told you?" she stood, book in hand. I nodded. She didn’t approach me, apparently able to see my level of embarrassment and discomfort. "Have you been reading this all day?" I finally looked up to see she was sitting on the bed again.

           "Yeah." She looked up at me.

           "Chase, this book has," opened the book to the last page. "One thousand, one hundred and forty-seven pages in it. My lord. You only have around a hundred to go." She looked up at me with concern. "Have you eaten today?" I thought for a moment, had I? I noted the three empty Dr Pepper cans at the end of the bed, and realized I had gotten up from the bed once, to go pee and grab two more sodas for my all day read-a-thon. I shook my head. "Chase Marin!" Dagny put her hands on her hips. "I tell you, some people’s kids." She stood, grabbed my hand, and yanked me toward the door.

           We headed to Magpie’s Gourmet Pizza on 4th. It wasn’t as busy as usual, most of the college kids who hung out there on Tuesday nights gone for the holidays. We found a little table near the back and sat down. We looked over the menu when Dagny looked at me over the edge of it.

           "So, what do you think of it?" I looked at her, not sure what she was talking about. "You know, Dagny Taggart, and the book."

           "Oh. Well, I think it’s great. I mean, who would have thought that the removal of certain people in the world could have such a detrimental impact on things. It’s a fascinating idea, really."

           "Yes, it is. Ayn Rand was a bit before her time." Dagny put the menu down, deciding on her dinner.

           "Has she written more?" I also put my menu down.

           "Oh, yeah. I have them all, um, if you want to borrow them." She grinned. I smiled back.

           "Maybe."

           Two empty plates sat at the end of the table ready to be picked up, driblets of sauce falling from one to the table below. Magpie’s had the best calzones anywhere. My meatball calzone was sitting happily in my stomach, and all I could do was sit back and smile.

           "Good stuff, huh?" Dagny sipped her Coke, I nodded.

           "Oh, yeah. I love this place. I used to order one of those bad boys when I’d study."

           "Me, too. Still do, actually."

           I sighed, sated and content.

           "Good thing I’ll be swimming this off in the morning. That’s one of the interesting, yet great things about swimming. It increases your appetite so you do eat more, but you swim it off, anyway." Dagny said as she stretched, her arms high above her head, neck arched as she made little squeaking noises. My eyes were drawn to her body, breasts thrust out, back arched. God, what’s wrong with me? As the stretch came to an end, my eyes quickly found themselves finding something else to look at, say my napkin.

           "When do you go? And where?" I piled my napkin and used fork onto the stack of plates, and sat back.

           "I usually go around six at the YWCA."

           "Hm." I nodded, a plan already brewing in my head. "So what did you think of the nutty world of the Marin’s?" I sipped from my Dr Pepper.

           "Actually I thought they were nice." She shrugged. "I hope you don’t get angry at me for saying this, but I don’t think they treat you and Carla very equally." I looked at her, surprised at her perception. I didn’t know how to react or respond to that. I was ashamed of this fact, but at the same time there is always that loyalty to your family that you just can’t shake. I wasn’t angry with her for pointing something out that was simply an observation, so I just shrugged.

           "Everybody has their problems."

           We walked back to my dorm, the pizza place no that far from campus. It was late, but I was desperate to finish the Rand book. I had gotten so far into it, it had been torture to leave it, but considering the source of the absence, it was sweet torture.

           "Well, that was certainly fun. Good dinner, too." I smiled, not sure what to say. I didn’t want to seem rude by just kicking her butt out the door, or make her sit on Natalie’s bed not making a noise until I finished the novel. She looked at me, the slightest bit of a knowing grin on her face.

           "It’s late, and you do need your sleep." She glanced at the book on the bed, and winked. I looked down, yet again shy. "I’ll see you later, Chase. Have a great night." She patted my shoulder.

           "Thanks. You, too. Oh, and thanks again for dinner. You really didn’t have to do that."

           "I know, but you didn’t have to invite me to your family’s home for Christmas, either. Sleep well." With that, she was gone. I stared at the door for a moment, missing her presence already. With a sigh, I headed toward my favorite spot on my bed, and started to read.

 *  *  *

           I rubbed my eyes again, the feeling of sand being in them just not dissipating. I grabbed the towel out of my closet and hung it over my shoulder, my bag in hand. It was still dark outside, and I hoped this was the right thing to do.

           The parking lot was near empty, only a few early birds having managed to get out of bed so far. The lady at the desk was very helpful as she pointed me in the direction that my nose probably could have lead me on its own. I knew the Y well, coming here for Natalie every week, but I had yet to make use of their swimming facilities.

           I glanced at my watch, seeing it was five till. I hoped I could catch her in the locker room, and that she wouldn’t be mad. The room was steamy and smelled like chlorine. It looked like any other locker room I’d ever seen in my life, shower stalls off to the left, tall metal lockers painted red lined three of the four wall with rows of them in between. I walked in, looking around when I heard a shower go on. I couldn’t see who it was, so I started to look for Dagny’s things. Bingo. In the last row of lockers sat her tennis shoes and backpack. The same towel she’d had at my parent’s house. I knew I had the right girl.

           I set my bag down, unzipping it to bring out the bathing suit I’d brought with me from home, and flip flops. I quickly changed, running pants flying in one direction, tee the other. I wanted to hurry before Dagny returned to her stuff, also so I could be ready to join her. I pulled the last strap of the suit up when I heard footfalls not ten feet from this row of lockers, then someone sucking in their breath.

           "Chase." I turned to see Dagny looking at me, dripping wet from her rinse off. I smiled with a small wave. She walked past me to her own stuff. "What are you doing here?" I could see the hope in her eyes, and was pleased to be able to give her good news.

           "Well, I mean, since it’s taken ten years for you to teach me how to swim, I figure I should put that knowledge to good use, you know." She smiled, her face lighting up.

           "I’m so excited!" To my surprise she lunged herself at me, wrapping me in a wet hug. She grinned. "Sorry. But this is wonderful." Yay, she’s not mad.

           Dagny swam laps around me, but I did my best, and worked at my own pace. She was terrific, patient, giving me pointers now and then. She was amazing to watch, in an Olympic size pool where she had room to really stretch out her legs, and arms, and torso, and everything else it seemed. I pulled myself up to sit at the edge, and watched. I had never in my life seen something so beautiful; she was graceful, plowing into that water with a powerfully built body, but seeming to be as gentle as if she were slicing through Jell-O. Back and forth, back and forth. I felt tired just from watching the insane number of laps she did.

           "You okay?" she asked, finally coming up for air, swimming over to me. I smiled and nodded.

           "Yup, just fine. I wanted to watch. You’re really good at this." She grinned, pulling herself up to sit next to me.

           "Well, you do this for nearly twenty years and we’ll see how good you get." She nudged me with her shoulder.

           "Wow. You started young." She nodded.

           "My mom got me into lessons starting around three, and let’s just say I took off like a fish." She grinned, so did I. "I’m really glad you came, Chase. I wanted to ask, but didn’t really want to push you or make you feel obligated." I shrugged, staring out into the water that rippled slightly.

           "Eh, it was a last minute decision. I didn’t think you’d mind, but I wasn’t sure-"

           "Wasn’t sure? Are you kidding? I was so happy to see you in the locker room that I nearly kissed you!" she exclaimed, wide-eyed. Really? Oh, I wish, I wish.

           "Well," I shrugged it off.

           "So dare I ask if this will be a more than one time thing?"

           "Well, um, actually I was kind of thinking I could join you every morning. That is, if-"

           "I don’t mind. Nope. Don’t mind at all, and in fact I’m thrilled. Please do." I smiled. It felt so good to be welcomed and accepted. Even appreciated.

           "Thanks. I will."

           "Well," Dagny slapped her knees. "I’m going to do one more lap, then if you want, we can get out of here. That is, do you want to do something today?" I looked into the most beautiful green eyes. Can I just stare into those forever, Dagny?

           "Yeah, sure." She smiled, slapped my leg.

           "Great. Be right back then we can talk about what to do." She hopped back into the pool, and was gone.

 *  *  *

           The week wore on, and Dagny and I spent every single day together. I was slowly beginning to see what Dagny Robertson was all about as a person. Until now, all I had seen was Dagny the babysitter and Dagny the teacher. She was neither of those things to me now, so she had the freedom to let her true personality shine through. I felt my attraction to her growing daily, and now had accepted the idea that it was an attraction. I didn’t fully understand it, but I didn’t let it scare me anymore, either.

           Doug had called the band together to try out a new drummer. I was excited to get performing again, besides, I wanted to try out my newest baby. I had yet to come up with a name for it, Dagny promising she’d think of some great names. Well, I got her promise right after she looked at me as though I’d lost my mind.

           "Don’t you name things?" I asked.

           "Sure, like my dog, even the pet fish I had when I was nine. But a guitar?"

           "You don’t name your car?" I was thoroughly shocked and appalled. She was equally so.

           "Why would I?"

           "Oh." I thought everyone did.

           This would be the first time CID got together without one of its founding members. I was sure the mood would be quiet, and very sad. Even I would miss Mike’s presence. I was glad he had decided to leave, but it was a shame to lose such a great drummer.

           "Hey, girl. What’s this?" Doug said after hugging me, indicating the black case in my hand.

           "This is Santa Claus." I grinned and he chuckled with an understanding nod.

           "Can I see her?"

           "Sure." I pulled the black beauty out of the case, and handed her over. Doug played as the rest of the group arrived, glad to be playing again. As we all laughed and caught up with each other, a Ford pick-up pulled up into Doug’s driveway. All eyes turned to the newcomer, who was getting out. She looked to be a little older than us, maybe in her mid-twenties, twenty-seven at most. She had short brown hair, sunglasses, and wore tight fitting jeans and a sleeveless shirt.

           I turned to Doug to see if he knew who she was. She headed toward us with a confident, almost cocky, stride, her head held high, each step long and deliberate.

           "Hey, Dougey," she said, giving the big guy a hug. She turned to look at all of us, each in turn. I wondered what was going through that head, her dark eyes nearly unreadable.

           "Guys, this is my cousin Terrie. She’s hell on the pads, so she’s going to play for us." Doug’s cousin made her way to the drum set behind me, excusing herself as she squeezed between me and the wall. I moved, allowing her plenty of room. She had a pair of sticks in her back pocket, and brought them out, rubbing them together.

           "Someone want to accompany me?" She looked around.

           "Here, let’s hear her." Doug handed me my guitar with a grin. I hooked her up to the amps, and got myself ready, taking a deep breath. I had yet to play this guitar in front of anyone. Please don’t let me make an ass out of myself.

           "You start, I’ll join in." I nodded, and began to play something simple, not the greatest song for drums, which I saw clearly written on Terrie’s face when I turned to look at her. Okay, try number two. I thought for a moment then began to play some Pink. Within minutes, we had the garage rocking. The other members slowly began to join in until we had a full out jam session going. It was great fun, and this chick’s playing blew Mike clear out of the water and onto land.

           The last chords of the music echoed in the garage and everyone’s ears, but I knew we had found our drummer. I grinned at her, she grinned back.

           Dagny waited at my dorm for me to return from practice. Somehow she had talked me into going shopping. We jumped into her car, and off to the Tucson Mall we went. Hi ho, hi ho, er, something.

           We found a parking space near Dillard’s. Dagny parked the little Suzuki Vitara 2-door, ivy green. It was a cute car, somewhere between a car and an SUV.

           "I wanted to get something that would be reliable. Isn’t it cute?" Dagny was so proud of her first car. She patted it lovingly on the right fender, and smiled at me.

           "I can’t believe this poor little guy doesn’t have a name." I muttered as we headed toward the building.

           The mall was like any other, not fun places to be. Dagny, on the other hand, looked like she was in Heaven. People walked by, some staring at us, others off in their own little shopping worlds.

           Dagny was in need of new shoes, so we headed to any shoe stores the mall could possibly offer. We looked at boots, from motorcycle to knee-high leathers, then clear down to hiking boots. Tennis shoes, high heels, you name it, we looked at it.

           "Um, Dag? What exactly are you after, anyway?" she shrugged.

           "Originally tennis shoes, but now I think I may want some boots."

           We laughed at all the crazy new fashions, laughing even harder as Dagny tried some of them on. They were hideous, serving no real purpose in life except they made fantastic joke material.

           Carrying the bag that held her new shoes, Dagny tried to finish her drink from Orange Julius, but wasn’t real successful.

           "I’m so full." She said, putting her hand to her stomach. We’d made a lunch stop at The Olive Garden, stuffing ourselves with their bread and pasta.

           "I don’t know how the hell you’ve gotten any of that thing down." I looked at the cup with disgust. "I mean, those things are great and all, but my lord. Just how big is that thing, anyway?" I indicated her stomach. She grinned.

           "You’d be surprised."

           "I am surprised."

           We had been at the mall for hours, and I had actually enjoyed every single minute of it. Dagny was fun, charming. I watched the way she was even with other people there, whether they were sales clerks or other shoppers. Everyone loved her. We walked down the main hall and saw a video store looming up ahead. She turned to me, a mischievous smile on her face.

           "Want to go?" I nodded vigorously, movies being another of my passions.

           The place sold nothing but, and I had officially found my current candy store. I could spend time in a movie store the way most people could spend time in a book store or library. I was a virtual fountain of useless movie trivia and knowledge.

           "Gee, good thing you’re parents are spending all this money for you to go to college," Dagny said sarcastically after I told her this. I glared then grinned.

           "Isn’t that the truth." I turned to look down another aisle, and stopped, stopping Dagny with a hand on her arm. "Look at that." It was a rack of movies priced from $3.99- $10.99.

           "No, Chase. Don’t do it," she muttered.

           "I must." I nearly ran to the rack, a laughing Dagny at my heels. My eyes were the size of saucers as I perused the titles priced at ridiculously low rates. "God, I’ve died and gone to Heaven." I said as I spotted one of my favorite movies, though I rarely admitted it. I grabbed it, holding it protectively against my body.

           "May I?" Reluctantly I handed her the double VHS of Titanic. She looked at the title, then at me. "Tell me you’re not one of those mush balls?" I grinned shyly, nodded. She shook her head and laughed.

           An hour and five movies later, Dagny and I headed out of the mall. We each had a couple bags, she needing to make a stop at GAP before we could leave. She managed to coerce me into buying a pair of jeans there. My first GAP apparel. We loaded all of our treasures into the back of her little SUV, and headed out.

           "How do you feel about a movie night?" she looked at me, her eyes twinkling. I grinned, nodding. "Cool. But we have to get popcorn,"

           "With lots of butter," I added. She nodded.

           "And of course lots of Coke and Dr Pepper and a box of Junior Mints. Can’t have a movie without them."

           "No, ma’am."

           We stopped in at a small grocery store and stocked up on cholesterol city, ready to begin. We decided that Dagny’s apartment would be the best place since she had more room, and a hell of a lot better television then that Natalie and I suffered with. Not to mention I thought it was cool she had her own place off campus.

           She pulled into the parking lot of her building. It was fairly large and brick, but didn’t look like it had originally been planned for apartments. As if reading my mind, Dagny explained.

           "This used to be an old mansion to the Swanson family in the 1800s." She stared up at the beautiful structure. "Turned it into apartments when the last of the family died in the mid-fifties. I think it’s a shame they’d tear it apart like they have. Hell, I’d rather just live in the old mansion with a whole bunch of people." She grinned at me.

           The walkway was made of stone, though some of them had become dislodged over time, and were missing. The grounds were immaculate, obviously professionally designed and maintained.

           "Um, Dag, isn’t this place kind of expensive?" We walked through the double front door that was off the wrap around porch. The glass in the doors was etched and stained.

           "Well, I got lucky. The professor I’m working with for my doctorate, Levy, owns the building. The grad he picks to work with gets to live here, and the rent is very cheap. He just charges the shit out of everyone else." She grinned and chuckled evilly as she lead the way to the stairs.

           The main floor was covered with rich, dark wood paneling. It was highly polished, and reflected the lights beautifully. The wood floors, covered with beautiful rugs, were a bit squeaky, but seemed to be holding up through time very well. As I looked around I could imagine where priceless vases and works of art could have been placed, beautiful furniture scattered. Dagny was right, such a shame.

           Finally we reached the top of the second floor, the stairs opening up to a wide open hall where you could look down at the first floor on one side, and head up another staircase on the other. Closed doors made of the same highly polished dark wood, were scattered on either side. Dagny lead us up the smaller staircase, very narrow.

           "I bet this was a real pain to push furniture through." I muttered. She chuckled ahead of me.

           "You have no idea."

           At the top of the third floor were only two doors, one to the left and one to the right. Dagny lead me to the right. She pulled out her keys, inserted one, and we were in business.

           The apartment was small, but had lots of character. The floors were like the rest of the house, though she had large rugs under important areas like the living room and under the kitchen table. As you walked in a few steps, directly to the left was a fireplace, white stone with a mantel of marble. Wow. I was impressed.

           "I should go after my doctorate just so I can live here." I grinned. Dagny laughed as she carried our goodies to the kitchen that was toward the back of the room, and was quite small. It only had room for the kitchen necessities and a small table with three chairs that fit into a little nook in front of the bay window. Just past the fireplace was an open door that lead to the bathroom, and old fashioned claw-footed tub and sink. To the right of the room was another door which I assumed lead to Dagny’s bedroom.

           "This is beautiful, Dagny." I said, turning in circles. She had framed posters of abstract art hanging here and there, along with some metal sculptures, the muted figure of a human stood proud in the center of the mantel, twin crystal candle holders on either side, beautiful ivory candles in each. I figured the fireplace didn’t work or wasn’t used much as there was a wooden figure of a penguin standing in the middle of it with little strings of light wrapped around him. I knelt down to get a closer look when I started as the lights came to life. They twinkled, tiny spots of orange.

           I turned to see Dagny grinning. "Left over from my dorm. I just couldn’t throw Ozzy away."

           "He’s cute. I can understand your quandary." I shook my head as I stood.

           "Be right back." Dagny headed for her bedroom. The furniture was black leather, a little worse for wear, and I figured it had been handed down from somewhere. She had a couch and a chair, then an entertainment center with a 27 inch TV. A small coffee table stood in front of the couch, water marks from drinks in a couple places. All in all it looked like Dagny did well for herself, and the place was great.

           "Okay, ready for movie number uno?" Dagny had changed into a pair of sweat shorts and sweatshirt. I nodded. "Pick one."

           I looked through the pile that I had bought, The World Is Not Enough, Titanic, Silence of the Lambs, Labyrinth, Girl, Interrupted. I couldn’t decide, so had to close my eyes and pick one. I held the Winona Ryder, Angelina Jolie great.

           "Have you ever seen this?" I turned to Dagny who sat on the couch, socked feet tucked up under her. She took the movie from me, shaking her head.

           "To be honest, I’ve never seen any of these." I looked at her, stunned.

           "You’re kidding?" I grabbed the movie from her. "I’m shocked, and disappointed in you, missy." I wagged my finger at her. She chuckled.

           "I know, I know. I’m a disgrace to my generation." She leaned forward, grabbing another movie. "And, what is this? The World Is Not Enough?"

           "That is a James Bond movie. Tell me you know who that is?" I put my hand on my hip.

           "Of course. I’m not quite that out of the loop, you know." She gave me a mock glare.

           "Okay, well you’ll be forgiven if you go make popcorn." I gave her my best puppy dog look I could muster. She looked at me, then stood.

           "Aw, you are so cute." She chucked me under the chin, and headed toward the kitchen. I watched her go, my fingers going to my chin, barely touching the spot where her fingers had been for just a moment. I loved it when she touched me. It made me feel good, important. I smiled, slid the movie into the VCR.

           Dagny watched, transfixed, as the movie progressed, Susanna Kaysen’s problems, and Lisa’s societal dysfunctions. When it came to the part where Susanna’s therapist diagnosed her as borderline personality disorder, Dagny shook her head.

           "I disagree. I don’t think there’s a damn thing wrong with that girl except for being spoiled and self-indulgent." She shook her head sadly, popping a Junior Mint into her mouth. I grinned. I was surprised that had been the first comment she’d made.

           As the movie played on, I found myself not watching much of it. It was one that I’d seen several times, and besides, something more interesting was sitting right next to me. I watched as she leaned forward a bit during a particularly exciting scene, her eyes riveted on the screen. She was so endearing, everything she did, everything she said, every move she made.

           I thought about Carrie, and how she reacted to women, and how she called herself bi-sexual. I had thrown that word around my head a lot lately, and I had come to the realization that I wasn’t a label, and neither was Dagny. It was Dagny that had caught my attention, her beauty, her personality and mind, not her sex. I’m sure I’d figure more things out about myself as time went on, but for now I was content with this realization, and didn’t need to know anything else.

           The movie came to an end, and Dagny didn’t move from where she was sitting back against the couch, staring at the TV. Finally she turned to me.

           "That was really good." I smiled, nodded. "Those poor girls. Especially Daisy. My god, how could Lisa say such awful things to her to make her kill herself? That girl truly was crazy."

           "I thought psych majors weren’t allowed to use the word crazy." I grinned evilly.

           "Har har."

           She turned back to the screen, watching as the credits rolled. "Well," she slapped her hands on her thighs. "What’s next?"

           "You pick this time."

           "Hmm." She put a finger to her chin as she stared at the other four movies. "Let’s try this James Bond thing. Tell me about it? I know there’s about a hundred of these things, so is there something I should know ahead of time?" She picked up the box and read the back. I shook my head.

           "Nope. Not a whole lot to think about in these, so just sit back and enjoy." I stood. "Want a Coke?"

           "Oh, yeah. That sounds good." A huge smile spread across Dagny’s face. "I put a Coke and a Dr Pepper in the freezer so they’d get cold faster," she called to me as I headed to the kitchen. Sure enough, there they were. Cans in hand, I headed back out to the living room. Dagny was taking the first movie out, and putting in the second.

           As I sat, I realized how comfortable I felt around Dagny. Generally in someone’s place, somewhere I’ve never been, I feel out of place, like I don’t know what to do, and get quiet. But with her, all that flew out the window. I felt more like myself around her than I did with just me.

           I wiped the smile off my face as I sat.

           Dagny reacted beautifully to the movie, cringing in all the right places, laughing at others, and still blushing at others. She was more fun to watch than the movie. I told her so. She glared.

           "Who was the woman who played Elektra King?" she asked. "She’s beautiful."

           "That is the talented Sophie Marceau."

           "Has she been in anything else?" Dagny hit rewind on her remote. I nodded after taking a sip from my soda.

           "Yup. Braveheart, is probably the best known."

           "Okay, now I have got to see this one." She held up the Jodie Foster, Anthony Hopkins classic. I nodded with a smile.

           "You’re on."

           "Levy has told me to watch this numerous times," she said, plopping back down on the couch.

           "And why haven’t you?" I looked at her, my hand on my hip. She gave me a sheepish grin.

           "Because it looks scary." I smiled, trying not to laugh because I knew she was serious.

           "Really?" She nodded, scooting a little closer to me. "Well, I’ll protect you." I chuckled.

           "You spread that around and I’ll pop you one." She put her fist in my face to prove a point.

           "Yeah, I’d love to see that."

           It didn’t take long before Dagny had grabbed my hand, setting it in her lap. I could tell exactly when she was scared, because she’d squeezed my fingers in an almost pulse-like grip, squeezing really hard when she’d jump. Though it hurt, I was thoroughly enjoying the contact, and the fact that I could make her feel better. I just threw the thought out of my head that anyone would have the same effect.

           I loved this movie, and was excited to be with Dagny when she saw it for the first time. She was completely engrossed, loving Hannibal Lecter and his brilliantly psychotic mind. I knew she would. I jumped, but bit my lip to stay silent as Dagny reacted to the scene at the end where the brilliant FBI agent, Clarice Starling has finally found the bad guy, and is searching for him in his dungeon-like basement.

           "Oh, god, turn around, Clarice," Dagny whispered, squeezing harder as she brought her legs up, curling herself up into a little ball. It was too cute. "Oh, god. He has a gun to her head and she doesn’t know it, turn around!"

           "Whoa, down girl. It’s just a movie."

           "No! She’s, woohoo! She shot him." She threw her arms up in victory, mine going up with them as she still had my hand in a death grip. I cried out. "Oh, Chase, I’m sorry." She quickly brought her arms down, releasing my hand only to gently take it in hers to examine it. "Oh, hon," My hand was red and smooshed. "I’m so sorry." She looked up at me with concerned eyes. I smiled.

           "It’s okay. I’ll live. I mean, I offered to protect you."

           "And you did a great job." She smiled, keeping my hand in hers as she turned her attention back to the screen, all the while rubbing my hand, massaging it back into shape. Waves ran through my body, always ending up somewhere that surprised me. I looked at her, studying her profile only to be met with beautiful crystal clear green eyes. She smiled. I smiled back. She stared at me for long minutes, and I couldn’t read her. She took a deep breath, then turned back to the movie.

           "Damn, that was good." Dagny exclaimed as the credits began. She looked at me, a content smile on her face. "I have a problem." My brows drew, confused. "I’m out of Junior Mints." We continued to stare at each other for a moment.

           "Ice cream run?"

           "Ice cream run."

           The little grocery store where we’d gotten the other goodies was still open, but only anther twenty minutes. We ran in, searching for the freezer goods aisle. Rows and rows of ice cream brands and flavors stared us in the face, it was hard to choose.

           "What do you look for in your ice cream, Chase?" Dagny asked from halfway down the aisle, a finger to her chin as she looked at all of them.

           "Well, I’d have to say chocolate. Definitely important in any sort of ice cream relationship. You?"

           "Sounds about right. How about this? Häagen Dazs fudge marble." I walked over to her, nodded.

           "Sounds good. We have about seven minutes before they kick us out of here." We ran to find whipped cream in a can, then Hershey’s chocolate syrup, and finally, and most importantly, sprinkles.

           Loaded down with our finds, we hurried to the cashier, then out into the cool night.

           We made a little carpet picnic on Dagny’s floor in front of the TV, all our ice cream accessories spread out around us. I watched as Dagny piled up scoop after scoop of the ice cream into her bowl, then piled it even higher with whipped cream, then sprinkles. She looked up from her work of art.

           "Just keep thinking swimming." And winked. I grinned, and made my own sundae.

           "So what made you go into psych?" Dagny asked around a mouthful of ice cream. I shrugged, swallowing enough so that I could talk and be understood.

           "I’ve always thought people were really fascinating, and loved to try and figure them out, you know? I love to figure out what makes them tick."

           "Well then you are definitely in the right business." She smiled, patting my knee. I grinned.

           "I should hope so. I just think that I never really thought about my interests being in psychology. I didn’t really know what it would be under." I dug deeper into my bowl, trying to find the mother load of chocolate syrup. "Also, I have to admit," I looked down at my bowl, embarrassed. "Your class really got me thinking, too." It was silent, and I wondered what Dagny was thinking. I looked up to see the sweetest smile on her face.

           "Thank you, Chase. That means a lot." She reached out and rubbed my knee. "I’ll definitely miss you in it this semester. You have some wonderful ideas, Chase." It was my turn to put the goofy smile on my face.

           "What about you? What got you into it? And what do you want to do once you’re out?" she smiled.

           "You make it sound like prison." I smiled and shrugged. "Well, my mother is a teacher, as you know, and demanded that I learn a little about everything as a kid. My god some of the stuff I had to read." She rolled her eyes. "Anyway, she gave me a text book about it that was scaled down for kids. It just stuck with me, and I’ve been hooked ever since." She took a deep breath then took a bite of her ice cream as she thought. "As for what I want to do with it once I’m out, as you put it, well I’ve thought a lot about teaching. I’ve had some wonderful professors, and I’d love to be like them."

           "You’re already on your way. You’re a fantastic teacher, Dag. Really, your passion for the subject comes through in every class. You’re good at what you do, and you make people want to learn, want to understand and love it the way you do. You did with me, anyway." Dagny sat back, looking at me, obviously surprised.

           "God, that is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me." She stared at me, almost incredulous.

           "Wow. Then you’re missing out on life." I smiled. Finally shaking herself out of her surprise, she smiled, too.

 *  *  *

           I spent the night at Dagny’s place that night, and we headed out to swim early the next morning, both of us dragging from too little sleep, and my back was hurting from the couch. The swim was great, just as fulfilling as it had been the last two times, and I felt wonderful for doing it, not to mention the chance to spend more time with Dagny and to see her in a bathing suit. Yeah, I’m a pervert; so sue me.

           The last couple weeks before school started were great, Dagny and I together just about everyday, doing something. Often we found ourselves sitting around somewhere talking. We didn’t need anything else. She was quickly turning into a very cherished friend.

           "Put your hands together for Casually In Debt!" the crowd that was already gathered in Gotfry’s, most regulars, cheered and whistled. The band was excited, and ready to go, also ready to try out our new drummer. Terrie showed outstanding ability and talent, and I knew the place would go into a frenzy with some of the solos we had planned for her.

           We rocked the place, playing music from the Stones, Pat Benetar, even a song from Paul Simon. It was a terrific night, and the feeling in the bar was perfect for really letting go. It was kids beginning to come back from the holidays wanting to have one last hurrah before classes started up again.

           After our set was over, my throat felt raw. I should have been rehearsing the entire break, but I hadn’t, and was paying for it. I left the stage during our break and hurried to the bar, craving the glass of ice water I knew Greg would have waiting for me.

           "That drummer of yours kicks some serious ass," the bartender exclaimed, looking at Terrie with adoring eyes. He looked at me. "She single?" Grinning, I rolled my eyes and took the glass from him. Within a few seconds I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned, expecting to see familiar green eyes, but was surprised to see dark instead.

           "Great set, Chase," the drummer said, ordering her own water.

           "Thanks. You, too. You nearly brought the house down all by yourself on those things." I indicated the set on the stage. She shrugged and took her glass, swigging about half before ordering a shot of tequila.

           "Can I get you one?" She lifted the small shot glass. I looked at it, then shook my head. Shrugging again, she downed the clear liquid fire, barely raising an eyebrow as it slid down her throat. She slammed the glass down, wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. I noticed the way people looked at Terrie, men and women alike. She was beautiful, and had a very sensual quality about her. Tight clothing fitted over a nice, lean body, and she knew it, too. "See you back on stage." She put her hand on my back, running it across my shoulders as she walked away. I followed her with my eyes.

           "Hey." I turned, an immediate smile coming to my face.

           "Hey. Did you like it?" Dagny smiled.

           "I did. Who is that woman?" she asked, the smile quickly falling off her face. I followed her gaze, wondering who she was talking about when I saw it was Terrie.

           "Oh, Doug’s cousin, Terrie. Isn’t she great?" I smiled in her direction, more and more impressed with her playing everyday.

           "Yeah. Great." I looked at Dagny, surprised. I’d never seen the look on her face before, and couldn’t quite read it. She seemed to shake herself out of it, and turned to me with a big smile. "I’m so thrilled you guys are playing again. You got me spoiled." She grabbed my arm, shaking it a little to emphasize her point.

           "I know. I missed it, too. Hey, what did you think of Thanatos?" I grinned, nodding toward my electric guitar on its stand near the microphone. Dagny had finally conceded and come up with a name for my newest baby, and Thanatos, the Greek personification of Death, was it. Than for short.

           "Your baby rocks this place, girl." Dagny looked at me with pride, rubbing my arm.

           "Chase," Doug called to me.

           "Shit, gotta run. Talk to you after the show?" I asked, turning to hurry to the stage. Dagny nodded.

           "I’ll be here. We’re over there." She pointed to the table where her friends sat, drinking and laughing.

           The show went on, the second half just as good as the first. I felt like I was flying up there, high as a kite, free as a bird. I was back, and with a vengeance.

           We decided to try out a new song Doug had written that had heavy drum and guitar. This was my spotlight, just me and Than. There wasn’t a great deal of vocal in the song, just a lot of heavy beat.

           Terrie and I had had to spend a lot of time together over the last week as it was mostly us, everyone else falling into the background. She and I would get to Doug’s early for practice just to practice my riff and her solo. We had gotten a chance to talk a little, and I had found out she was originally from Oklahoma and had moved to Tucson two years ago for a job. She was in the computer business, doing music on the side. She owed Doug a favor, so offered to play for us until we found someone else. Now she was thinking she’d stick around.

           I turned to her, Than in my arms, my fingers moving as fast as they could, sliding across the neck and chords, making my guitar talk. Terrie’s head was bobbing with the music, her entire body into the beat. I smiled at her, she smiled back. It was almost like we were in our own little world, and the crowd was loving it.

           When the part of the song came up for me to start singing again, I turned back to the mic, and belted out the lyrics. There were some people who had gotten up and started to dance. That was a first. I smiled into the music as I continued, the little black beauty humming in my hands.

           Finally the song was over, and the bar was on its feet. I couldn’t stop the smile from coming to my lips. I turned back to Terrie, held my hand out to her.

           "Come on, let’s hear it for Terrie Cannavo." The crowd clapped louder. "Our new drummer." They clapped even louder. I grinned, at that point I probably could have told them that I had to go to the bathroom and they’d love it. Too much adrenalin and booze.

           After our second set was over, the lights were turned off and finally the stage didn’t feel like the bins under warming lamps at a fast food place. I packed Than away in her case, Melo already put away, and ran a hand through very sweaty hair, trying to get it off my forehead. I stood and reached into my pocket to find my hair tie, and gathered my hair into a pony tail.

           Most of the band was on their way out the door, me usually the last one to leave. I reached down to grab both my guitars, and turned, startled to see Terrie leaning against the bar, her sticks in her hand, drumming out a simple beat against the wood. She smiled when she saw I was looking at her.

           "Hey." I walked down the stairs, leaning my babies against a stool. "You waiting for Doug?"

           "Yep. You did great tonight, you know. You really take control of those people out there." She pointed to the people who were still there with one of her sticks. "You’ve really got talent."

           "Thank you. So do you. I mean, the way you beat those things, hell I couldn’t do it."

           "Sure you could. You’ve got rhythm, that’s all you need. I could show you if you want."

           "Leave her alone, Terrie. She’s not your kind." I turned to see Doug coming up, his guitar strapped to his back. "Great show, kid." He playfully punched me on the chin. I grinned.

           "Thanks. You, too." He saluted, pushing Terrie in front of him as he headed out of the bar. I watched them go, wondering what that was all about.

           "I bet you’re tired." I turned to see Dagny headed in my direction, a big smile on her face.

           "Oh yeah. You can definitely say that again. Man, my throat hurts." I rubbed it, waving Greg over.

           "Good show. See you Wednesday." The bartender smiled, winked at Dagny, then walked to another customer at the other end of the bar.

           "Why Wednesday?" Dagny’s brows drew.

           "He asked us to start playing on the underage night." I shrugged. "More play time. Works for me." She smiled.

           "That’s great. Is it going to be too much with school, though?"

           "I hope not. I already told Greg that if it got to be too much we’d kill the idea." She nodded.

           "Sounds good. Want to join us?" She indicated the table she’d been at with her friends. I looked at them, knowing full well that they were all grad students like Dagny, some of them already graduated. I felt small and inadequate.

           "Um, are you sure? I mean, I can barely vote let alone drink." My friend smiled, nudging my arm with her shoulder.

           "I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want you to, you nut."

           "Well, okay. Can I put these two to bed, first?" I indicated my guitars. She offered to help me load them into my car. As we headed back to the bar I had a sick feeling in my stomach. I didn’t do real well with people I didn’t know one or two at a time. This was an entire table full. I took a deep breath, and followed Dagny.

           "Hey, guys. This is Chase Marin. Chase, Steve, Tanya, Adam and Laura." I nodded and smiled at each person as they were introduced. When she finished I brought my hand up for a little wave.

           "Hey."

           "Hey, you kick some ass with those guitars," the one named Adam said. He smiled, giving me a double thumbs up. I grinned shyly.

           "Thanks. You guys come here a lot?"

           Three hours, and two pitchers of beer later, Dagny and I walked out of Gotfry’s, still laughing. I had had the time of my life with that group. They had treated me like anyone else, and not like the kid I figured they would. They had been curious about me at first, asking me questions about school and the band, then conversation had moved around to any number of different topics, most usually ending up with someone telling some sort of horrible story that was too funny.

           "So what did you think of the useless ones in there?" Dagny asked, indicating the bar with her thumb.

           "Very cool. I like them a lot." We reached my car.

           "Well, I think they liked you a lot, too. You have so much to offer people, Chase. It’s a shame you’re so shy." She leaned against the car next to mine. I leaned against my own. I nodded.

           "I know. Can’t help it. I always have been." I crossed my arms over my chest.

           "You seem to do okay once you’re there for a little while. You shocked the hell out of me a few times, kiddo." She reached across, lightly punching my arm. I shrugged.

           "Eh, what can I say."

           "So you coming tomorrow morning?" I nodded.

           "Of course."

           "Well, how about doing something now? You too tired?" I looked up at the night sky, black and filled with stars. I shook my head.

           "Nope. I’m wide awake."

           "Me, too. Let’s go for a drive." Dagny smiled like she’d just come up with the greatest idea in the world. I laughed.

           "You’re on." I hurried after her to her Vitara. "So how is ol’ Freud?" I patted the hood of the small SUV. I had been astonished when Dagny had finally relented and let me name her car.

           "She’s doing just fine." She unlocked her door, then unlocked mine. "Don’t you think it’s a little odd that a ‘female’ car is named Freud?" I got in, shut my door.

           "Yeah. And?" I grinned, large and exaggerated.

           "Nut." She put her key in the ignition, then stopped, turning to me. "Hey!" I looked at her, startled.

           "What?"

           "Let’s take the top off the back." My grin matched hers.

           "Yeah."

           We quickly got out, unzipped the rag top, and tucked into the back. The night was beautiful as January flowed into its third week. Dagny drove us everywhere, through town, out past it into the darkness where there seemed to be nothing. Neither of us said a word, just enjoyed the scenery and the feel of not having to say anything.

           It was late, but I didn’t care. These were the days I knew I’d look back on someday and say I remember when. The times I wanted to remember. Just me, Dagny and the Tucson night air.

PART 6

           SCHOOL WAS BACK in session for my second semester at the University of Arizona, and I was ready for it. I didn’t have classes as early this time as I did before, so this was a definite plus. I hadn’t seen much of Carrie, only passing her on the way to my Music From Around the World class. She looked at me, keeping her head down before quickly scurrying away to her own class. I felt sad, but I still wasn’t ready to talk.

           Part of me missed her, after all, it had been nearly two months since we’d spoken. I didn’t know what to do, but figured it’d hit me on the head when I did.

           "Thank you very much. Goodnight." The lights lowered, and we were clear to pack up our gear and head home. It was CID’s first night to play at Gotfry’s on the Wednesday underage night, and I think it went off pretty well. We had to break them in all over again, very few Friday regulars hang around with a bunch of teenagers. We also toned our music down a bit, too, trying to stick with modern favorites so we wouldn’t lose our audience.

           I packed up Than and Melo and headed to the bar for my end of the night glass of water.

           "So what do you think, Greg? Were we a hit?" I asked the bartender before slamming the cooling liquid.

           "Yeah, I think so. Obviously the weekend crowd is a better bet, but I think they liked it fine. But, I have to say, I never in my life thought I’d hear you pop off a Britney Spears song." He grimaced. I laughed.

           "Yeah, me either. We’ll catch you Friday."

           "Later, kid." I put the empty glass on the bar, and grabbed my babies, ready to head out.

           "Hey."

           "Hey." I was surprised to see Dagny standing at the end of the bar. "What are you doing here? Where’s everyone else?" I looked over her shoulder trying to see if any of her friends were sitting at their table.

           "Nope, just me." She smiled, taking Melo from me. Gladly I relinquished half of my load.

           "Why?" We started to head out the door into the cool night.

           "Miss one of Casually In Debt’s performances? I don’t think so." She smiled and winked. I felt like I was flying.

           "Really? You just came to see us play?"

           "Well, actually more to hear you sing." She looked a bit shy, surprising me all the more. We finally reached my car, and she helped me load my babies in the trunk.

           "That’s really sweet." I turned to her, completely flattered.

           "Well, hey." She shuffled her feet. "Oh, um, do you have plans now?" I shook my head.

           "Nope."

           "Cool, well earlier today I made some homemade potato soup. Want some?" My mouth was beginning to water just at the idea of it. Dagny smiled as she could see my jaw already starting to work. "It’s really yummy." She enticed even more.

           "Oh, okay." I grinned, and we headed for Freud.

           "So how are classes going? It sucks not being able to see you much anymore." She turned to look at me briefly before turning her eyes back to the road.

           "I know. I have to admit, um, I miss you." She smiled warmly, reached over to rub my arm.

           "Me, too, Chase. Hey, isn’t that your friend over there?" I turned to look at the park to the right as we passed. Sitting on a park bench, not far off the road, sat a couple who appeared to be making out. It was Carrie and the guy she had had in her room the night I had gone to talk with her. He slid his hand up her leg, under her skirt, she stopped his hand, but kept kissing him. I turned away, disgusted.

           "Yeah. That was my friend." I said quietly, ashamed that Dagny had seen that.

           "Have you seen or talked to her lately?" Dagny asked, her voice quiet, sad. I shook my head. "I’m sorry, hon." I shrugged.

           "Happens."

           I was quiet the rest of the short drive to Dagny’s apartment, my thoughts solely on Carrie. I had noticed a liquor bottle on the bench next to the guy. What was she doing? I felt my eyes stinging as tears built up behind them, trying valiantly to push them away. I didn’t need to cry, nor did I want to. It was her life, right?

           "Come on in." Dagny unlocked and opened her door, letting me in first. She flicked on the overhead light and I headed straight for the couch, this apartment almost like a second home to me after all the time I’d spent here during Christmas vacation.

           Dagny sat next to me.

           "Here, lean forward." I did. She put her hands on my shoulder, began to work the tight muscles there. "God, you’re so tense, Chase. Want to talk about…"

           I exploded.

           "I mean, we’ve been best friends since we were two years old, Dag. Two!" I held up two fingers to emphasize my point. "And never in nearly seventeen years have we gone a day without seeing each other, and definitely not without talking on the phone." I swiped an impatient hand across my eyes as I felt the stinging from earlier coming back. "We didn’t even see each other on Christmas! Didn’t that bother her, Dag? Didn’t it?"

           "I don’t know, hon," she answered, still working magic hands on my back and shoulders.

           "I mean, how can she let this happen? We started partying together in high school, nearly got kicked out as I told you before, but then I slowed down. I did!" I put my hand on my chest. "Why can’t she? Why can’t she grow up and see what she’s doing to so many people? She’s hurting not only me, her parents, her grades and chance at college, bur herself. Mostly herself. She is going to end up pregnant, or get into some kind of accident, or worse. God, she’s a goddamn alcoholic at eighteen. She turns nineteen the day after I do, Dag. In three weeks. That’s seventeen years of friendship down the drain," I snapped my fingers. "Just like that." I pulled away from my friend and turned to face her. "What do I do? How can I save her?" I pleaded.

           "I don’t know, Chase. There just may be no way for you to. She’s on her own self-destructive path right now, hon, and only she can stop it." She placed her hand on my knee. I loved the contact, needing to feel connected to someone. Connected to Dagny.

           "But, isn’t there something I can say? Maybe someone I can talk to?" I ran a hand through my hair, pushing it back from my face before I gathered it into a ponytail.

           "Well, you could talk to her advisor, I suppose, or even her parents." Dagny shrugged. "What do you think? Would she be receptive to something like that?"

           "I just don’t know anymore, you know? She is totally a different person than when we started here."

           "So are you, Chase." I ended my tirade when she said that, just staring at her. Had I changed?

           "Why can’t she change again?" I said, my voice pitifully quiet, when I felt the stinging become far too much for me to handle, and it bled out my eyes, releasing the pent up pain from nearly five months of a slow, painful wedge that had inched it’s way between my best friend and I. I was feeling the cut now.

           I lunged into Dagny’s arms as the sobs burst from me, erupting from my chest with vicious strength.

           "Shh, baby. It’s okay." I could hear Dagny’s soothing voice from somewhere above me as I let myself go, somehow allowing myself to reveal a most inner part of myself to Dagny, knowing that my secrets were safe with her.

           Dagny held me, her arms strong and comforting around me as she gently rocked me, petting my back, brushing hair that was sticking to my tear-streaked face. I was amazed that I didn’t feel alone anymore.

           An hour or so later I stood at the door, a Tupperware dish of potato soup in my hand. I looked at Dagny, my eyes red and swollen. I felt a little awkward, but didn’t feel ashamed, which was shocking to me. I hated to cry in front of people. I hated to cry at all.

           "Thanks, Dag." I said quietly, holding the cold dish of soup against my chest. "I really appreciate it." I looked up at her shyly.

           "No problem. You can have my homemade soup anytime." She smiled, winked. I grinned.

           "Yeah. Well, I’m going to go. I’m beat."

           "I bet. You take care, and if you need anything you let me know, alright?" I nodded, holding my free arm out for a hug. Dagny stepped into it, wrapping her arms around my neck, squeezing me. We stayed like that for a moment, neither moving, almost not breathing.

           "I’ll see you in the morning, Chase." Dagny smiled as she pulled away, gently patting my shoulder. "Sleep well."

           "Thanks." I took one last look, I left the apartment.

 *  *  *

           I couldn’t hit the pillow fast enough for my eyes to slam shut, game over. It had been after one in the morning when I had finally gotten to bed, and not two hours later when I heard voices in the room.

           I opened an eyes, my back toward the room, so I listened.

           "Please, I need to talk to Chase." The voice was low, but obviously very upset.

           "Hang on." I heard foot falls then felt Natalie’s hands on my back. "Chase, some girl’s at the door for you. I think it’s your friend, Carrie." Both eyes flew open, and I turned over to look up at my roommate. Her long hair was a mess, and she looked about to fall asleep on her feet. Looking back at the door I could see Carrie in the hall. As soon as I saw her face, I shot out of bed, headed to the door. Her heavy eye make-up was all over her face, as well as her lipstick, which she wiped at with her hand as I watched.

           I barely noticed Natalie staring as I hurried out to my friend.

           "Carrie?" her head jerked up, her eyes wide, almost wild. As soon as she saw me she broke into tears.

           "I’m sorry to come here, Chase, I know it’s late, I didn’t know where to go,"

           "It’s okay. Come on." I closed our dorm door, looking up and down the hall, trying to decide what to do, where to take her. Spotting the bathroom door, I grabbed her arm, lead her toward it, hurrying to a shower stall, pulling the curtain closed around us. I looked at her, trying to figure out what the hell had happened. Her make-up was indeed smeared all over her face, but as my eyes trailed down her body I saw that her dress was torn in several places, and she was dirty. A wave a nausea flooded through my body, but I had to hold it together. "What happened?"

           Carrie looked down, leaning back against the tiled wall, she took a deep breath, her hands playing with a fringed edge on her dress. Finally garnering enough courage, she looked up at me.

           "I was raped." She said quietly, then quickly looked down again. I had noticed that there was some blood mixed in with her lipstick at the right corner of her lip.

           "The guy you were with on the park bench?" I asked, just as quietly. Her head jerked up.

           "You saw us?" I nodded. She swallowed hard, her eyes beginning to fill as they looked everywhere but at me. "I didn’t mean for it to happen, Chase. I, we were just kissing, and he started to try things, you know, and I told him no, threw his hand off my leg, I didn’t want him that way. I just wanted to have some fun, you know?" She looked at me, her eyes full of pleading, begging for my understanding. "I didn’t want this." Her voice broke, and so did she. I wrapped my arms around her heaving body, my eyes squeezed closed as I fought my own emotions.

           "You have got to go to a doctor, Car," I whispered.

           "No. I can’t," she sobbed, grabbing me painfully tight. "I’m sorry, Chase. I didn’t want to disappoint you. I didn’t have anywhere else to go." Her cries echoed throughout the bathroom, and I sucked in a breath as I heard the heavy bathroom door squeak open. Carrie lifted her head, biting her lip to try and keep her tears in check until the most unwelcome girl left. We listened to the stall door open, shut, and the lock slide into place, then the agonizingly long peeing session.

           "God, finish already," I nearly growled. Carrie, under control, fell into me again, her head resting on my shoulder as she clutched at my shirt. The girl sat there for a minute waiting for I don’t want to know what, when finally she flushed the toilet and left. I let out a breath, and gently pushed my friend away. "Carrie, you have to get checked. If nothing else, they can give you a morning after pill. Please? I’m begging you."

           "No, Chase. I can’t." She began to cry again. "I don’t know what to do." I hugged her, staring up at the shower head, praying to its chrome brilliance for guidance. Dagny. She’d know what to do.

           "Carrie, listen to me for a second. Do you remember my friend Dagny?" She nodded against my neck, calming a bit. "Let me call her. She’ll know what to do, okay?" She pulled away from me, shaking her head.

           "No! She’s a teacher, Chase. She’ll turn me in."

           "No, I swear to you, she won’t. She’s one of the kindest people I know, Car. She’ll know what to do, I promise." She stared at me, dark eyes so tired, worn out. Finally, reluctantly, she nodded. "Do you have your cell?" Again she nodded and handed me her purse. I dug through it, finding a rolled up joint and a travel-size bottle of Jack Daniels. "Carrie," I whispered, pocketing both. Feeling the smooth plastic of my friend’s phone against my fingers, I pulled it out and dialed Dagny’s number. It rang three times, and I was worried she wouldn’t hear it.

           "Hello?" came a barely intelligible voice.

           "Dag?"

           "Chase?" Her voice sobered immediately. "What is it? What time is it?"

           "It’s really late. Put it this way, we go swimming in three hours." I could barely force a smile out. "Dag, I need you here now. Please."

           "Are you okay, hon?" She was awake now. I could almost imagine her sitting up in bed, already scanning her room for clothes to throw on.

           "Well, define okay. Please, Dag. Just come." I looked at my friend who had curled herself up into a little ball in the corner of the shower stall.

           "Be there in five minutes." The phone went dead in my hand. I clicked it off, sticking it with Carrie’s other goodies, and knelt down to her.

           "She’s on her way, Car. She can help."

           "I’m sorry, Chase." Carrie looked up at me with sad eyes, fresh tears waiting to fall. "I’m so ashamed." I gathered her in my arms, rocked her gently.

           "We’ll work it out, Car. We always have." I kissed the top of her messy, dirty hair. "We have to go, Carrie. We’ll meet her downstairs, okay?" She nodded. I helped her stand as she was not steady on her feet at all. We headed back to my room where I grabbed a pair of sweats and a sweatshirt. We then headed out, my arm around her waist and me playing Cloak and Dagger around every corner, making sure no one was there until we reached the cool night air.

           "Do you hate me, Chase?" I looked at my friend. She looked so dejected, like she was resigned to the fact that I did. I smiled, as reassuring as I could and shook my head.

           "I could never hate you, Carrie. You’re my best friend." Crying again, she threw herself at me, sobbing against me for different reasons now. I could hear the relief in it as opposed to the devastation from before.

           "I love you, Chase."

           "I love you, too."

           True to her word, within a few minutes, I saw Freud taking a corner into the parking lot at a ridiculous speed. The little SUV pulled up beside us, and Dagny was out in a flash, running around the front to the sidewalk and bench where we were. She was dressed in a pair of black soccer shorts, tennis shoes with no socks and a sweatshirt, hair hidden under a baseball cap.

           "What happened?" She went immediately to Carrie, kneeling in front of her, looking up into the tortured face. "Oh, honey." She looked up at me with questions in her eyes.

           "She was raped." I said, my voice low, doing my damnedest to hold it together. She nodded as if she had guessed as much. I stood from the bench, allowing Dagny to take my place and talk some sense into her.

           "Carrie, honey, do you hurt anywhere?" Dagny put her hand on my friend’s hand that rested in her lap. Carrie nodded. "There may be some damage, hon. We really need to get that looked at." She stared into Carrie’s eyes to make sure she had her attention. "By a doctor, Carrie. He may have torn you, okay? If you don’t get that fixed up there could be some more problems. Also the doctor can give you a pill to prevent pregnancy." I watched how tender Dagny was with her, stunned anew at what an incredible person Dagny really was. "Will you let us take you, hon?"

           "I don’t want to get in trouble," Carrie whispered.

           "You won’t honey, the bastard who did this to you, will. They will want to know his name, okay? Will you do this for me, Carrie? For Chase?" She looked up at me for a second, our eyes meeting, both filled with worry and both scared for Carrie. Dagny looked back at Carrie, pleading with her to let us take care of her.

           As I watched them my mind raced back to earlier times, happier times with me and Carrie. I saw us together at five years old, playing in my mom’s flower bed, throwing dark, rich potting soil around until we were both covered head to toe, our eyes the only thing visible on our faces. Next came my tenth birthday when I got my first BMX dirt bike, silver and blue just like Carrie’s; we rode all day and all night, as far as our mothers would let us go. Then when I fell off my bike at thirteen, skinning my knee and Carrie taking me home, me riding on her handlebars, nearly dumping me into my father’s car once she turned into the driveway. Getting drunk for the first time together at sixteen, and finding out we had both been accepted at UA.

           What went wrong?

           "Okay." Carrie whispered, clutching Dagny’s hands tight. "Will you guys stay with me?"

           "The entire time, won’t we, Chase?"

           "Absolutely."

           "Okay. I’ll do it."

           Carrie filled out all the appropriate forms, then was taken into a little examination cubicle where neither Dagny or I were allowed to go. I tried, nearly getting thrown out of the hospital, wanting to stay with my friend. Finally resigning myself to the ER waiting room with Dagny, I paced back and forth as she sat, legs crossed, looking the picture of calm, but I knew better. The toe of her left tennis shoe was tapping non-stop on the white tile, and she kept sucking her bottom lip into her mouth only to let it go seconds later.

           I didn’t know what to say, wondering what was going through her head. I felt very protective of Carrie right now, like a mother bear and her cub. I knew Dagny wouldn’t say anything, more than likely feeling much the same way I did, but I was ready all the same.

           "Are you okay, hon?" I turned, looked at her. She beckoned me over with her hand. "Why don’t you sit, Chase? Come here." I did as I was told, plopped down in the black vinyl chair next to Dagny’s. My head seemed to weigh a ton all the sudden, and it found its way onto her shoulder. I felt an arm come around my shoulder, pulling me closer.

           "Yeah. I’ll live. I just keep thinking about all the times when we were kids." I smiled. "God, we were evil together, constantly getting into something, some kind of trouble." I sat up, my mind focusing on the memory, but my hand straying to Dagny’s, needing to still feel the warmth of her skin. "One time we got home from school before my mom did, and we found a bag of marshmallows that I knew were to be saved for a fruit salad my mom was going to make," I chuckled. "We grabbed a candle from the table and lit it, now keep in mind we’re like eleven. We lit it, stuck those big, fat marshmallows on the end of dinner knives, and roasted them. We made the biggest mess." Dagny broke into laughter, and I quickly followed her. "My mom nearly killed us over that one."

           "What did your mom do?"

           "She grounded me for a month, though she only made me stay grounded for about a week, and I had to buy her a new bag of marshmallows." I shook my head, the smile still on my face. "We used to steal Carla’s lunch money all the time, right out of her backpack. She had no idea. That lasted for about a year until she finally caught on. And they say she’s the smart one?" I grinned. "What do they know."

           The sliding doors opened, a female police officer walking through. She headed straight for the ER doors, disappearing through. Part of me wondered if she was here for Carrie. I looked at Dagny. By the look on her face, I figured she was thinking the same thing.

           "How long does this stuff usually take?" She shook her head.

           "I really don’t know." She looked at me, her eyes sad.

           "You don’t have to stick around, Dag. It’s so late, and I know you have such busy days. Really, we can-"

           "There is no way in hell I’m leaving you, Chase." Her look was stern, telling me not to ask again. I smiled.

           "Okay. Just giving you an out."

           "Well, I don’t want one, but I do want a Coke." She indicated the machine near the door. "Want one?" I nodded. "Okay. Be right back." She patted my hand, walked over to it, a few minutes later bringing two cans back. I opened and drank from mine, more for something to do and get my mind off this than being thirsty.

           We stayed like this for another half hour, neither of us speaking, my head on her shoulder again. Finally the doors opened, and the female police officer, joined by a woman in scrubs and a white lab coat came out.

           "Chase Marin?" They walked up to us, the only people in the waiting room. I stood, Dagny by my side. "Hello. I’m officer Campbell, and this is Dr. Williams. We examined Carrie."

           "How is she?" I asked.

           "She’s alright, I suppose. As well as can be expected. She was given a thorough examination by Dr. Williams and myself."

           "Was there any damage?" Dagny asked, holding my hand a bit tighter as we waited for the answer. The doctor nodded.

           "Yes, there was a bit, but nothing serious. I put in two stitches, and it should heal up just fine. Physically there wasn’t much going on, except of course for the usual bruising, small cuts here and there."

           "It’s the mental and emotional, though," the officer finished. "She’s really going to need you guys." She looked from one of us to the other. "She will go through some depression, nightmares, that sort of thing. She has opted to press charges, and that will be another ordeal for her."

           "What can we do to help her?" the officer looked at Dagny.

           "Just be there for her. She probably shouldn’t be alone tonight."

           "She was given the morning after pill, and that shouldn’t have any affects that are too serious," the doctor said. "Blood work was performed, however she will need to come back in about two weeks to see the results. Often it takes a while for things to show up in the system."

           "Um, you mean like diseases?" I asked, feeling sick. The doctor nodded. "Oh, god." Dagny’s hand tightened around mine.

           "Any more questions?" We both shook our heads. "Okay, well, Chase, she’s asking for you." The doctor smiled at us, and headed back through the double doors, the officer leaving the ER.

           I followed the doctor, clothes in hand, my stomach still churning. Only one person could see a patient at a time, so Dagny went to get her car and pull it up to the curb for us. I took a deep breath as I got closer to cubicle number 33. Quietly sliding the curtain aside, I saw Carrie sitting on the side of the narrow bed wearing a hospital gown. She looked up, relief shining in her eyes when she saw it was me. They had washed her face, attended to the cut at her mouth. She was pale, looked so tired.

           "Hey." I said, at a loss for words. She gave me a weak smile. "Are you ready to go?"

           "Yeah. I don’t want to be alone, Chase." Her voice was quiet, hoarse.

           "I know. We’re going to Dagny’s place. Is that okay? I can’t take you back to my room with Natalie there, and you’ve got Rachel in your room." She nodded. "Good. Here, here’s some clothes for you to change into."

           "Thanks." She took them, staring down at them, but not moving.

           "Are you okay, Car?" She looked up at me, reached her hand out to me. I took it, it was cold and clammy. I wondered if she was in shock. "Can I give you a hug?"

           "Please?" I took the few steps that separated us, and enfolded her in my embrace, wanting to take her inside me and protect her, save her. She took a deep breath, releasing it in a shaky sigh.

           "Are you okay?" I asked while in the hug. I felt her nod against my chest.

           "I want a shower." I smiled.

 *  *  *

           It was after five by time we reached Dagny’s apartment. She had demanded that Carrie take her bed, and I join her.

           "You can’t leave her alone tonight, Chase." Dagny explained as Carrie took a shower. "She needs you."

           "God, I don’t want to kick you out of your bed, Dag. We’re already intruding-"

           "Don’t ever think that, Chase. You are always welcome here, and Carrie is, too. Especially after this. Really, do it. Please?" I sighed resignation.

           "Okay." I was so tired, sleeping on my feet. Carrie got out of the shower, the towel wrapped tightly around her body, her arms over her chest.

           "I want to go to bed," she muttered.

           "Okay. Come on." I put my hand on her shoulder, lead her to Dagny’s bedroom. I looked over my shoulder at our hostess. Dag was standing by the couch, a pile of sheets and blanket in hand for her make-shift bed. She smiled, nodding encouragement. "Goodnight."

           "Night, Chase."

 *  *  *

           My head lifted slightly from the pillow, my nose leading the way. Waffles? Have I died and gone to Heaven? My eyes cracked open, feeling like they’re filled with sand. I glanced at the alarm clock on the side table to see it was after ten. Five hours of sleep, had worse, but I felt even more tired as I was so emotionally drained. I turned to look at my friend, she was still asleep. Last night had been rough, Carrie’s sleep very fitful, restless. She had cried out once and I had wondered if it had been from a nightmare or from pain. She had been in my arms most of the night.

           I slowly, quietly got myself out of the bed, grabbing my jeans off the floor, having only slept in a tee and underwear. I could barely hear the clanking of dishes in the kitchen, and made my way out to it.

           Sure enough, Dagny was standing at the counter, her hand on her hip the other on the top of the waffle maker, waiting for it to finish.

           "Hey." I said quietly. She looked at me over her shoulder, smiled. She looked just as bad as I felt.

           "Hey. How did it go? Is she awake?" I shook my head.

           "It was okay, I guess. I think she had a lot of bad dreams, but other than that, she slept for the most part." I grabbed the carafe of fresh coffee from the coffee maker, and poured myself a cup.

           "How are you doing?" I looked at her, shrugged.

           "I’m fine. Why?" she turned to me, her head slightly cocked to the side.

           "Chase, you witnessed the results of a brutal attack on your best friend. That’s sure to cause some problems, affect you deeply."

           "I don’t need a psychiatrist, Dag." I glared at her. I didn’t want to be bothered. I was fine. She was taken aback, nodding and looking back at the waffle maker. I sighed, feeling horrible. What had I done? "I’m sorry." I took a couple steps toward her, not sure what to do or say. "I’m really sorry." I set the cup down, my head hanging.

           "It’s okay, Chase. I won’t push." I felt a hand on my head, fingers running through my hair, leaned in a little toward her, wanting a hug but not quite knowing how to ask. She got the picture, and her arms slid around my neck. She rubbed my back, I buried my face in her neck, inhaling the smell that was Dagny. She slowly ran her hand up my back to my neck, resting her fingers on the warm skin there. I didn’t want to part, didn’t want to move from that spot, ever. I knew I had to, though, so reluctantly I moved away, looking into her eyes to see if she was still hurt or mad with me. I can’t stand the thought of her being either. She smiled, and it reached her eyes. We were fine. I smiled back.

           "Breakfast is ready. Do you think we should wake Carrie?" I glanced down at the waffle maker, then out toward the closed bedroom door.

           "I don’t know. Maybe?" I looked at her, unsure. Our question was answered when the door opened, and Carrie stumbled out, still dressed in the sweats and sweatshirt from last night. She didn’t look at us as she made her way over to the bathroom.

           "We should try and keep her busy today. How is your schedule today?" I looked at the clock on the stove.

           "Um, well I should be in Biology right now." She nodded.

           "Yeah, I understand that."

           "You’re right, though. We can’t leave her. Shopping? Don’t most girls like that?" I drew my brows as I thought. Dagny chuckled.

           "Yeah, I think most do." She nudged my arm, turning to breakfast, serving it up.

 *  *  *

           The mall was fairly busy to my surprise, as it was a Thursday afternoon, and I figured most people either had work or school. Guess I was wrong.

           Carrie had been pretty blasé about the idea of taking her out, not really caring much, but Dagny and I knew if she sat around, she’d do nothing but think about it all day. I had been surprised, actually. I figured she would have fought us on wanting to go out in public.

           She walked around in a pair of borrowed jeans of Dagny’s, the same sweatshirt, with her shoulders hunched over, hands buried in her pockets, almost looking painfully stiff. She looked around, looking at every person, especially guy, that we passed. She looked like a rabbit caught in a trap, Dagny and I either side of her to try and give her support.

           "Where do you want to go, hon?" Dagny asked, looking around for some sort of place that might be of interest to Carrie. Carrie shrugged.

           "I don’t care." Dagny looked at me behind my friend, her eyes filled with questions. I shrugged.

           "How about See’s Chocolates?" I pointed, knowing that was Carrie’s weak spot. She glanced over at it, shrugging again. "Come on." I tugged at her arm, Dagny following.

           "Oh, it smells so good in here." We looked in the cases at the delectable treats. I was thoroughly stuffed from the waffles Dagny had made, but this could make my stomach growl no matter what. I was pleased to see that Carrie was actually looking around, seeing what was available.

           "Can I help you?" the sales girl said, smiling. "Some samples, maybe?"

           "Oh, look at that, Car?" I pointed out a tray of dark chocolate wedges, her favorite. "Can we get a sample of these, please?" The girl handed my friend a little paper cup with some of the dark chocolate in it. Carrie took it with a small thank you, looked at it for a moment before nibbling a tiny piece. I smiled, glad to see that she wasn’t too gone. I looked at Carrie’s face to see how the bruising was doing. She looked like she’d been in a small scrape, but nothing major. She was still pale, which made the bruises stand out more, but her mouth looked better, the cut being much smaller around her mouth than I had originally thought. She would be okay.

           Carrie seemed to perk up a bit after leaving See’s. We walked around, looking at clothes, books and music. Dagny bought her the newest CD by Pink, which made her a very happy camper. She actually looked like she was enjoying herself, only getting quiet off and on. We took her to lunch later on in the day, then settled in for a movie, a light-hearted comedy that she laughed at. Dagny and I breathed a sigh of relief a little too soon.

           We walked down the main hallway of the mall, talking and chatting when I saw a group of high school-aged guys walking toward us. I didn’t think anything of it, but apparently it got Carrie thinking, and thinking got Carrie upset and scared.

           She stopped dead in her tracks, staring wide-eyed at the guys, most ignoring us, a few checking us out, but they said nothing.

           "I can’t, I can’t," she said, pulling away from us. Her body had gotten tense as she started to get into that fight or flight mode.

           "Carrie? What is it? What’s wrong? Was it those guys?" I looked back at them to see if they were doing anything, but they were headed into the music store, not giving us another glance.

           "Did you know them, Carrie?" Dagny asked, just as concerned and confused as I was. Carrie shook her head vigorously, really starting to get upset now.

           "I think they reminded her of, well," I trailed off, looking at Dagny. She nodded understanding, and we lead Carrie to a bench in a secluded nook. I gently pushed her down to sit, sitting close by, my hands on her back. Dagny sat on the other side, caressing her leg.

           "It’s okay, Car. It’s okay." She leaned into me for a moment, quiet. I could feel her hot breath against my neck, then wetness. She was crying, silent and soft, just letting the tears come. I pulled her close, gently rocking her. "I know, Car. It’s okay."

           Dagny watched us, just lending support with her touch, sensing that this was a moment between Carrie and I. Carrie’s soft crying quickly turned into sobs that racked her entire body, pushing her against my neck even harder. I closed my eyes, my heart aching for my friend, knowing there was nothing I could do to help her but be there for her. My heart was heavy, the sting behind my eyes from yesterday returning, but I swallowed it down. She needed me to be strong, not fall apart on her.

           "I didn’t mean for this to happen, Chase." She whispered through her cries. "I really didn’t. I didn’t think it could." I nodded, still rubbing her back.

           "I know, Car."

           "I’m sorry. I never want to disappoint you." She took a deep breath, trying to get herself under control. She pulled away a little, looking at me. I tried to clear my face, knowing she didn’t need to see how bothered by this I really was, nor did I want her to see the fact that deep down I really was disappointed. I knew that what had happened last night was not her fault, nor did she ask for or deserve it. But if she could have just calmed down her reckless lifestyle, taken some responsibility for her action. "I don’t know what to do." She pulled a Kleenex out of her purse, wiped at her eyes and blew her nose.

           "Do you want to talk to your parents, Car?" I asked gently. She looked at me for a moment, then sighed.

           "I don’t know. Part of me does, but another part of me is so ashamed."

           "Don’t be, Carrie. This was not your fault." Dagny said, rubbing Carrie’s knee. "It was that sick bastard who did this, not you. Carrie looked at Dagny, her eyes like a child, wanting so much to believe.

           "I just don’t know."

           "Well, if you do, I’ll be there for you, okay?" She looked at me, a small smile lining her lips, then she leaned in to me for a hug, reaching her other arm out to Dagny, pulling her into our little hug.

 *  *  *

           Dagny dropped us off at Carrie’s dorm, as she wanted to try a night by herself. I decided I needed to talk to Carrie’s roommate, Rachel. They were pretty good friends, and since they lived together, Rachel may really be able to do her some good.

           "Give me a call later, Chase," Dagny said from her car. I smiled.

           "Thanks, Dag. You’ve been wonderful." She smiled.

           "Anytime." Carrie walked up to the open driver’s side window, leaned in to give Dagny a hug.

           "Thank you, Dagny," she said quietly. Dagny talked to her for a moment, their voices low until finally Carrie nodded, stepped away from the SUV. With a final wave, Dagny drove away. I watched until her lights disappeared, already missing her.

           "Come on, you." We walked into the building, hurrying to Carrie’s room. "Do you still want me to drive you home this weekend, Car?" she nodded, turned to me.

           "Yeah. I think they should know, especially when it all comes down and we end up in court."

           "I think it’s smart, Car. Your folks have a right to know, plus they could probably really help you right now." She nodded.

           "Yeah. I think so, too. My father is going to fucking freak." She grinned weakly, as did I.

           "This is true."

           Carrie’s roommate, Rachel, was sitting at her desk studying when Carrie unlocked the room door. She glanced at us, smiled, then turned back to her books. It wasn’t uncommon for Carrie to not show up for days at a time, so Rachel wasn’t really that worried nor surprised.

           "Get some sleep, Car." I took my friend in my arms and hugged her close, wanting to try and convey all the love and friendship I had for her in that hug. She nodded after we parted, began to change out of my sweats.

           "Rachel?" The girl turned to look at me, looking almost irritated that I would actually interrupt her studies. "Would you come out here with me?" I headed toward the door. Carrie and I had talked ahead of time, and she had asked me if I’d talk to her roommate for her. Though they were friends, she couldn’t bring herself to talk about it, certainly not to explain it.

           Rachel stood from the desk, looking over at Carrie in confusion, but met me in the hall.

           "What’s going on?" she asked, crossing her arms over her chest after pushing strands of brown behind her ear.

           "Something happened to Carrie last night. Now, you’ve got to promise to keep this to yourself, Rachel. It could really be detrimental if it got out, okay?" She nodded, her face serious, eyes riveted on me. "Last night Carrie went out with a guy, and well, things got out of control. She was raped." Rachel’s eyes got big, tears automatically welling up within them.

           "No," she breathed, bringing her hands to her mouth. I nodded.

           "She’s really going to need you, Rachel. Can you be there for her?" Shaking herself out of her shock, she nodded.

           "Yeah. Why isn’t she staying with you?"

           "Well, she wanted to come back, try and get her life back, you know? I think it’s good, but she knows she can come to me anytime, for anything. Can she count on you, too?"

           "Oh, yeah. Definitely. God, I’m so sorry." She glanced at the door to the room she shared with my friend, then looked at me with a sigh. "Thanks for telling me, Chase. I’ll do what I can."

           "Thanks. I better get going. See you." I smiled, turned to head out of the hall.

           I was a bit nervous as I walked to my own building, looking around frequently as the night shadows hid the campus, the overhead lights just not able to dispel all of them. I tried to put myself in Carrie’s shoes, what had she felt? What had gone through her head as that son of a bitch did that to her? Had she just tried to lose herself? Did she feel anything physically? I would never know the answer to these questions as I’d never ask. It wasn’t my place.

           Soon the familiar lights and sights of my building were right in front of me, and I felt I could actually breathe a sigh of relief. I just wanted to be surrounded by lights and familiarity. Part of me wished I was back at Dagny’s apartment. I felt so safe with her.

           The room was empty as Natalie was at a revival for her bible study, and part of me was sad, yet another part of me was glad. I knew she’d want answers, understandably so; after all, my best friend came knocking at our door at three in the morning, make-up smeared, broken and bruised. I just didn’t want to have to be the bearer anymore, I didn’t want to have to explain. Why couldn’t someone explain things to me?

           I flopped down my bed, back against the wall, and sighed. I felt strange, like I was so heavy, yet filled with something that was expanding and needed to be released. I saw the cordless phone sitting in its charger on the desk and reached over to grab it. The seven numbers I dialed came as easy as my own.

           "Hello?"

           "Hey." I reclined on the bed, then turned on my side not a little ball.

           "Hi. Some day, huh?" I smiled into the phone.

           "Yeah. How are you?"

           "I’m okay, I think. You?" I thought for a moment, how was I?

           "I don’t know, Dag. I feel so strange, like something’s squeezing my middle. My heart hurts."

           "Are you okay, hon?" I heard her voice lower to an almost intimate level, and I could almost feel her presence in the room with me. I needed her to be, but couldn’t dare ask for that. She had done too much already, given too much.

           "I don’t know." Was all I could respond with. To my horror my voice had betrayed me on that last word, it coming out shaky and unsure.

           "Chase?"

           "Yeah?" I whispered, feeling that stinging again. No, no, no.

           "I’m coming over."

           "No, Dag." The dam was finally breaking, and I could feel my emotions that had been pent up for two days come rushing through its damaged walls.

           "Be right there." The phone was dead in my hand, and I hated that fact. Couldn’t she take her phone with her and talk to me the entire way? I knew that was ridiculous, but I wished all the same.

           I was trying to get myself together again, swiped my hand across my eyes, trying to rub the tears out of my eyes to make them go away. It wasn’t working that great, but I was calmer now. Until I heard the knock on the door, that is. The lump rose into my throat again, this time it wouldn’t be swallowed.

           I walked to the door and let her in. Dagny, dressed in the same jeans and shirt from today, walked in, her hand on my arm.

           "Hey, you." She said quietly. She got a little wave from me as I didn’t trust my voice. "How are you?" I shrugged, headed toward my bed where I plopped down, back against the wall. She sat next to me, her hand still on my arm.

           "Why?" I looked at her, the word just blurting from my mouth like water from a spring, unstoppable but necessary. Dagny knew what I was talking about, and she shrugged.

           "I don’t know, Chase. Sometimes things happen that we just don’t understand, but I do believe everything happens for a reason." I nodded.

           "I understand what you mean." My voice was shaky again, and Dagny’s hand moved from my arm to my shoulder, squeezing the skin and muscle there. I reveled in the contact, so glad she was there. "Want to hear something horrible?" I turned to her, almost afraid to admit my innermost feelings, but deep down I knew Dagny would not judge me for them.

           "Sure." She smiled encouragement.

           "Part of me almost feels relieved now." She looked confused, so I went on to explain. "I mean, I never wanted this to happen to Carrie, it’s horrible. That guy should really pay for this, but at the same time, I think this made Carrie finally hit rock bottom. I think she needed to maybe do that to see where she was headed." I looked up at her with sad eyes. "Does that make me a total bitch?" She smiled and shook her head.

           "No, Chase. It mean that you care about her and want the best for her. It’s also a sign of tough love."

           "Yeah, I’d say." I smiled weakly.

           "Sometimes people need that. You know the whole, can’t appreciate anything if it’s all given to you? This is a little different, but along the same lines."

           "Yeah." I hiccupped as a sob tried to escape, but I held it back.

           "Don’t stop yourself from crying, Chase. It’s very healthy, you know."

           "Yeah." The hiccup again.

           "Come here." Dagny tugged gently on my neck until I fell over sideways, my head laying in her lap. I felt the tears tickle my nose as they slid down my face, gathering into a little wet spot on Dagny’s jeans. She didn’t seem to mind. I felt my chest heave as her fingers played in my hair, smoothing it back from my face only to return to caress my skin.

           My shoulders shook as the sobs got closer together and a bit louder, a little more violent. I cried for Carrie, her loss of any innocence she had left, the violation of her body and emotions. I cried for our friendship, seemingly lost to me, only now did I feel that there may be some sort of hope, but I was afraid to dream. I cried for myself, so lost in a world of turmoil, my emotions a tempest of confusion inside me. The woman who held me now was part of that, never knowing she comforted her prey, not knowing of its hunger. It was my hunger, my default. Was I defective?

           "Shh, Chase. It’s okay, hon." Dagny whispered in my ear over and over again as I continued to cry, letting go of so many years of pain and sadness. I cried for my friend, I cried for myself, and I cried for what would never be. Yeah, some day, alright.

PART 7

           I GATHERED MY GEAR to follow Natalie out the door to Tuesday night bible study. I had to admit, I had missed these during the holiday break, and was glad to get back into it. This was the third Tuesday since school had been back in session, and we had had two Thursday nights with the kids. Those were my favorite.

           "How’s your friend doing, Chase? Poor thing." Natalie held the door open to me so I could lug Melo through it.

           "Yeah, she’s okay, I guess. She finally told her parents, and wow, were they not happy." I looked at her to emphasize my point. "Her dad wanted to go hunt the guy down and pull off his, well, you know." Natalie grinned at my attempt to be polite.

           She nodded.

           "If it had been my daughter I would have wanted to pull his dick off, too." I stared at her, my mouth hanging open. "Well, it’s true." I shook my head in astonishment. That girl never ceased to amuse me.

           "And now they’re starting up court procedures. Carrie’s parents found a lawyer like the next day, and started everything." I butted the door to the building open, holding it open for Natalie with my foot.

           "Thanks. At one point you had mentioned that you and Dagny may have to testify. Do you?" I nodded, unlocking my car.

           "Yup. I got my subpoena the other day. Not looking forward to this, let me tell you."

           "Bless your heart. Okay, see you there." My roommate smiled at me as she got into her car so I could follow her. We always drove separate cars as I left way before she did. I was not in the mood to be converted and stay for the actual lessons. Natalie was great and respected that.

           As I drove to the Y I thought about Carrie. She had kept a pretty low profile for the last couple weeks. I saw her often, but mainly because I went to her dorm on a daily basis, though she did call me often, usually around two in the morning when she woke from a nightmare during the "anniversary time", which she had started to call it. From what I had heard from her other friends, she still went out periodically to have fun, but avoided bars and parties. They said she rarely drank and had stopped doing pot altogether. I wondered how long that would last.

           Dagny had been so busy with her school schedule I barely saw her. I missed her so much, and felt the weight of that all the time. I sighed. At least she’d be there tomorrow night at Gotfry’s for the underage night. Well, I hoped, anyway. She had told me Sunday that there were no guarantees with that. She would do her best. I sighed again. My birthday tomorrow night, and I may not be able to spend it with her.

           The usual group was at the YWCA when Natalie and I walked into the room, Melo slung across my back like, as Natalie put it, "My sword to do battle for God." I set up, looking over the music for tonight, and getting myself mentally ready.

           As I played I thought back to last nights rehearsal at Doug’s. We had just run through our music for the next night and were packing up to go. Terrie walked up to me, a smile on her face.

           "Hey," she said. I smiled back but kept packing up Melo and Than. "What are you doing tomorrow night?" I looked at her, my brows drawn.

           "Well, I have plans to help a friend out, but other than that," I shrugged.

           "Good. What time do you finish up with your friend?"

           "Whenever I decide to leave." I grinned.

           "Wow, you don’t make this easy on a girl, do you?" I just stared at her. "What do you say to getting something to eat with me? You know, when you’re done. I’m free all night, so you could just call whenever." She leaned against the wall, her hand on her hip. I looked at her, her jeans tight as usual, the shirt she wore also tight, low-cut, but not slutty. She looked good. I looked back at her face, the long earrings she wore brushing against her neck.

           "Well, um, I guess. We could grab something, yeah." Her smile widened, looking almost predatory.

           "Great. Do you have a heavy day on Wednesday?"

           "No."

           "Even better." She pushed off the wall, grabbed her sticks off the seat behind the drum set. "Give me a call." As she passed by she handed me a little card. It was her business card with her name, work phone and address, as well as her home phone. I glanced up, watched her leave.

           "Hey," I turned to see Doug standing next to me, also watching his cousin. "Be careful, Chase. I don’t want to see you get hurt."

           "What do you mean?"

           "Just watch yourself. I love my cousin, but she’s dangerous. I think you’re friend from the bar knows that, too." He patted me on the shoulder and walked away.

           Shaking my head, I grabbed my guitars and headed to my car. I didn’t understand why people felt the need to warn me. I could handle myself, and I could certainly handle Terrie.

 *  *  *

           I really needed to study because I’d be at home over the weekend and wouldn’t have much of a chance if my mother had anything to do with it. I decided go to dinner with Terrie anyway.

           I buttoned up my jeans and slipped my sweatshirt over my head, then looked into the mirror behind the door. I looked good, my hair was down, freshly washed and brushed. If it had been Dagny or Carrie I wouldn’t have bothered. I mean, I had taken a shower that morning, but I felt the need to make a good impression tonight. I didn’t know what it was about Terrie, but she intimidated me.

           We had planned to meet at Gentle Ben’s at eight, and as I glanced at my watch I saw it was five till. Oops. I grabbed my wallet and keys, headed for the door when the phone rang. With a growl, I picked it up off my bed.

           "Yeah?"

           "Well, that’s unusual." I could hear the smile in her voice, and the smile on my face was instant.

           "Hey, Dag. What’s up?" God, I wanted to stay and talk. I hadn’t seen her for two days, and I missed her so bad.

           "Not much. I got a break in my paper, so decided to see if you wanted to grab a bite to eat." My heart sank, and my stomach felt like it was filled with razors. I could cancel with Terrie, just not show up. What would be the big deal? That would make me a total bitch, that was the big deal. I sighed into the phone.

           "I’m sorry, Dagny. I’ve already got plans."

           "Oh. Uh, I’m sorry." I could hear the disappointment and surprise in her voice. "I guess you do have other friends." She laughed quietly, but I knew it was forced. "Well, I hope you have fun."

           "Yeah. Damn, I wish I would have known." I lightly smacked my wallet against my leg. I felt guilty somehow.

           "What are you going to do? I mean, hell I’m sorry. It’s none of my business. Forget I asked."

           "No, it’s okay. Terrie invited me to dinner during rehearsal yesterday." The line stayed silent. "Dag?"

           "Sorry. Really? How nice." I could hear something in her voice, but couldn’t quite figure out what. I knew she was trying to hide it, and was doing an exceptional job.

           "Listen, I can cancel,"

           "No! No, you go out and have fun, Chase." There was a genuine smile in her voice. "I’ll catch up with you later. Okay?" I nodded, realizing how stupid that was, considering I was alone.

           "Yeah. Okay. Hey, maybe I can stop by after we’re done? It’s not far from you, we’re going to Gentle Ben’s."

           "Oh, yeah. Sure. Oh, wait. I have a meeting with Levy at seven in the morning."

           "Oh. Okay." My hopes fell again. "Okay. I guess I’ll see you. When are you free? This sucks." I felt like a pouting child, not getting my way. She chuckled softly.

           "I know, Chase. I’m sorry. This year and the second are the worst. If we can get through these,"

           "Yeah. Okay, well I have to go. I’m already late."

           "Okay. Talk to you later."

           "Bye." As I pushed the off button I felt horrible. I knew Dagny was bummed, and I sure as hell was.

           I parked in the lot of Gentle Ben’s, seeing Terrie’s truck already here. The microbrewery was busy, but I saw Terrie waiting for me by the door.

           "Hi." She smiled warmly. I smiled back.

           "Hey."

           "You look nice." She looked me over, making me feel a little uncomfortable.

           "Thanks." I looked at her, well-fitted black jeans and a button-up top, the top three buttons open. I feared if she bent over, she’d fall out of it. "Um, you, too."

           "Come on, I already got us a table." I followed her through the place, all eyes on her as she made her way through tables of people to an empty table near the wall.

           We sat, me across from her at our three person table.

           "Have you ever been here before?" Terrie asked as she smiled at our waitress who handed her a menu. I shook my head as I took mine, thanking the woman.

           "Can I get you something to drink?" The waitress looked at us in turn.

           "Yeah, get me the house brew," Terrie said. They both looked at me.

           "Um, I guess just a Dr Pepper."

           "Okay."

           "How old are you, Chase?" Terrie asked once the waitress had walked away.

           "I’ll be nineteen soon." I didn’t want her knowing my birthday was tomorrow for some reason.

           "Well, a little birdie told me you turn nineteen tomorrow. The day before Valentine’s Day, huh?" She leaned her cheek on her hand, smiled at me. "So I guess you were a love baby."

           I was surprised she knew that, and realized how stupid I must have sounded since she already knew. But if she did, why did she ask?

           "Yeah, I guess I was." I smiled. "My best friend Carrie’s birthday is actually on V day."

           "V day? Victory day?" She smiled again.

           "Well, victorious for a high-paid delivery room doctor, anyway."

           "This is true." Terrie sat back in her chair, opened her menu. "I am so hungry. I had the longest day today at work. I’m telling you, there are some really stupid people in this city. Don’t know a damn thing about computers." She looked at me over her menu. "What about you? Know much about them?"

           "I got my first computer the day I left for college." I grinned. "I’ve learned a lot about them since I’ve been here, tell you that. Some trial and a lot of error."

           "I’m surprised at you, Chase. Aren’t you supposed to be part of this new generation of kids born with a computer chip implanted in their brain?" I chuckled.

           "I guess. I kind of missed that boat, I’m afraid. My parents didn’t want us raised by technology. We weren’t allowed to watch much television, either." The waitress came back with our drinks, and took our dinner orders.

           "That’s good, smart. Do you watch much now?"

           "No. But I do love movies. I used to sneak over to Carrie’s house, she lived a block away, and we’d watch movies until the wee hours of the morning. Still do that."

           "I also love movies." Terrie ran a hand through her hair, the dark strands falling perfectly back into place. She really was an attractive woman. "Maybe we should go sometime." I shrugged.

           "Sure." I sat back in the chair, trying to figure the drummer out. I sensed something about her, but wasn’t sure what it was, it was almost predatory. That was the feeling I was getting. It didn’t matter, but it just made things a little more interesting.

           As the night went on I found Terrie to be intelligent, funny and a good listener. I talked about my family, school and my thoughts on the subject, and what I wanted out of life. Terrie was very insightful, telling me about her own childhood growing up not far from where my parents live now.

           "My mother was very demanding, but I really don’t think it was because she wanted the best for me, more of a ‘If I have to be miserable, so do you’, sort of thing." She smiled, as did I, nodding my understanding. "So, after college, I ditched this place, and made a new life for myself, away from Tucson."

           "So why are you back?" She smiled as she sipped from her beer.

           "Good question. My mother used to tell me that no matter how far I went or what I did, this would always be home. Well, she was right. Again, I don’t intend to stay here forever, but a great job offer came up that I just couldn’t refuse." She smiled.

           "I bet she was glad."

           "Well, she’s a mom, forever protective and controlling. Yes, she was happy about it." She put the beer down, pushed her dinner plate away, a few bites of her steak left, mixed with some loose peas. "So how about you? Get along with your parents, even for all their demands?"

           "Eh, I guess. I find now that I spend a lot less time there than I figured. To be honest, when I left for college I was afraid. I really hadn’t spent much time away from home, or away from them. I figured I’d be home every single weekend." I smiled. "I’ve been home twice since school started last fall. I’m rather proud of that fact." I smiled, so did she.

           "You’re growing up, Chase."

           "Yeah, tell my family that. They just think I’m being rebellious."

 *  *  *

           I sat in my car for a moment, thinking about the dinner. It had gone so much better than I figured it would. Terrie was an interesting person, and I didn’t understand her. I think that was the point, though. Stay mysterious and an enigma. I could handle that.

           She had insisted on paying for dinner, saying it was my birthday gift from her. I reluctantly accepted, hating when people paid for me, even Mike. He used to get so irritated at me because I’d fight him every step of the way.

           With a sigh I put the key in the ignition and pulled out of the space. It was just before ten, and I was wide awake. I drove around for a bit, no particular place in mind, but one particular person on the brain. I wondered what Dagny had done with her night. I hated that I had had to pass up an opportunity to see her, spend time with her. We hadn’t even been able to swim for the last week because of her schedule. I understood, but it didn’t mean I had to like it.

           I turned right, and to my not so surprise, saw Dagny’s building right in front of me. I felt like a stalker as I pulled to the curb, stared up to the third floor. Lights illuminated one of the two windows of her apartment that lined this side of the street. I took a deep breath, my hand caressing the steering wheel as I thought of what to do. I knew she had an appointment with Levy early in the morning, but she was still up.

           I put the car in gear and swung around to the parking lot, parking right next to Freud. There was a bit of a spring in my step as I made my to the stairs that would take me to the second and third floors. The door that I knew so well loomed before me, and I knocked softly. On the other side I could hear music, and a muffled "Hang on!" I smiled as I waited. Finally I heard the locks disengaged, and the door opened. I chuckled at what stood before me. Dagny, dressed in baggy sweat shorts and tank, bare feet, and a face covered in white gook. Her hair was slicked back as if wet from a recent shower. She looked up at me, surprised.

           "Hi."

           "Hey." I waved with a grin. "New look?" She grinned, slightly embarrassed as she shuffled her feet.

           "Yeah. Night mask."

           "Cute." I grinned, leaning against the door jam. "I hope it’s not too late. We just finished with dinner."

           "No, not at all." She moved away from the door, motioning for me to enter. "So what’s up?" She sat on the couch, moving some text books and notebooks to the floor so I could sit. I sat down, shrugging.

           "Well, um, to be honest, I just really miss you." I avoided her eyes, looking everywhere but at her. I felt a hand on my arm, my eyes went to it, then trailed up to Dagny’s eyes.

           "That’s so sweet. I’ve really missed you, too, Chase." She rubbed my arm, then took her hand away to my definite dismay. "I have my own little confession to make. I was really bummed when you told me you were going out to dinner with that drummer." She looked at me, a sheepish grin on her face. God, she was so beautiful, even with all that pore cleansing crap on her face. I was surprised to hear the bitter tone in her voice about Terrie, though.

           "I know. I’m sorry." I looked down.

           "No, no, Chase. Come on, you have other friends, just like I do. But, you know," she shrugged.

           "Yeah, I do." More than you think, Dag.

           "Come on, I have to take this stuff off." I followed her to the bathroom, plopping down on the toilet lid. "Hold," she handed me a washcloth, and I played with it, looking at the embroidered duck, faded yellow, as Dagny scrubbed her face, splashing cold water on the red skin. I watched in fascination; I felt my heart pounding in my chest, just to be next to her. I think I had really started to take my time with her for granted, so now that it was taken away, I missed her immensely. I wanted to be with her all the time, and hated when we had to hang up or when I had to leave her. Every morning that I had to swim alone was terrible. I decided I should keep it up so I wouldn’t want to die when Dagny started up again. She had told me she was proud of me. That had been enough incentive to keep it up.

           "Thank you." I was startled out of my little world when Dagny took the towel out of my hands, dried her face with it. She smiled at me. "Bet you didn’t think I needed a nightly regime to keep my utterly beautiful perfection, did you." She grinned. "Yeah, right, huh?"

           I smiled. She didn’t need anything; nature had done enough.

           "I was just about to have some hot tea. Want some?" Again I followed her as she walked through her apartment, heading to the kitchen.

           "Sure." Dagny went on talking about her advisor, and her classes, and how she was looking forward to when she finished classes and could concentrate more on client experience and working on her research full-time for her final thesis. I watched her work, her hands strong, as she fixed her cup of tea, stirring the sugar in, then bringing it up to her mouth to blow on the hot liquid, finally sipping. She looked at me, curious.

           "Are you okay?" I shook myself out of my direction of thought.

           "Yeah. Sorry." I grabbed my cup off the counter and poured myself some.

           "So are you still going to play tomorrow even though it’s your birthday?" Dagny leaned against the counter, holding her cup between her hands. I nodded.

           "Yeah. It’ll give me something to do. I think Carrie is going to come in to finally hear me play."

           "Great." She smiled. "I know she’ll love it." She looked down, seemingly bothered by something.

           "Are you okay, Dagny?" Her head jerked up, eyes wide.

           "Huh? Yeah. I just got an interesting call tonight."

           "Come on." I nodded toward the living room. Dagny pushed off the counter, following me to the couch where we sat, facing each other, our knees nearly touching. I waited for Dagny to continue. She sat for a moment, sipping her tea, but I knew it was just a ploy to avoid talking.

           "Darrel." She looked at me, and I knew the call probably bothered her. Her ex-boyfriend who had gone on to California for his job. He had been completely in love with her, wanting her to keep up the relationship even across the miles. She had refused. "He wanted to see what I was up to, and how I was." Dagny set her coffee cup on the table, sitting back against the arm of the couch, running a hand through her hair, which had begun to dry.

           "Were you okay with that?" I also set my cup aside wanting to put all my attention and energy into her. She shrugged.

           "What could I do? I would have loved to stay friends with him, but we all know that it’s just usually not possible. Especially when you hurt the other person so bad." She sighed. "God, I felt so strange talking with him. Apparently he’s doing well with his job, moving up in the company quickly. He just bought a condo and a new car, a BMW." She smiled. "He used to talk about getting a Beemer all the time."

           "Well, then it’s good he finally got one." I was confused, why was she upset about this? My stomach fell as something occurred to me. She must still have feelings for him. I swallowed, trying to hide my emotions.

           "He wants me back, Chase." I swallowed again. I knew it. She was going to go off to California, leave Tucson, finish her degree over there somewhere. "I felt so bad having to let him down again."

           My thoughts stopped mid-sentence. What? Let him down again? That meant she didn’t want him back, he didn’t win, and she wasn’t leaving. Right?

           "He was so disappointed. You know I think he really thought that the money and success he’s gotten for himself is what I was after. It’s not. There’s so much more to it than that, you know?" I nodded as I didn’t trust myself to say anything. "I want love, and I want to be happy. Is that too much to ask from life?" She ran her hands through her hair again, almost as if she was nervous about something. She was getting agitated, and I didn’t understand why.

           "Dag, it seems like he loved, or loves, you, right?" She nodded, staring down at her hands in her lap. "Isn’t that what you just said you want?" Stop! Why was I trying to help this guy out? But then, I cared more for Dagny and her happiness than my own. I loved her friendship, and she meant so much to me, but if she was unhappy… The thought made me feel sick. How on earth did I get so cheesy in just a few months?

           "I don’t know, Chase. I’m wondering that, myself. I ran from him at every turn, always have. Hell, why not. Running is my specialty, right?" Her voice was so bitter, and I didn’t understand it. My brows drew as I looked at her, so wanting to help, take her in my arms and make her feel better. I just wanted to touch her but couldn’t bring myself to do it. I hated myself for it, too.

           Dagny took another drink from her tea, which seemed to calm her some. She smiled at me, reaching out to touch my hand. I took that opportunity, and grabbed her fingers. Better late than never, eh?

           "I’m sorry. I just feel really bad, I guess. I wish I wasn’t put into this sort of situation, but I can’t blame it on him. He always said that I never could commit. Is that my problem? Or was he the problem?" She looked at me as if I could give her the answers. I just didn’t know what to say. She smiled again, shaking it off. "I’m sorry. I don’t mean to lay all this on you."

           "Hey, after what you’ve had to go through with me and my friends? Shit, don’t worry about it. Keep talking if you want to. I honestly don’t mind."

           "Nah. I’m done ranting. For the moment." She smiled. "Oh, about tomorrow." The smile left her face. "Bad news. I can’t go, Chase. I’m sorry." My shoulders fell, though I tried to hide it.

           "Hey, I understand. You know, I know you’re really, really busy right now. It’s not a problem." I smiled, hoping she believed it, and didn’t see right through it.

           "Are you mad?" She put her hand on my leg. I shook my head vehemently.

           "God, no. I totally understand, Dag. Really, it’s okay."

           "Okay." She paused. "Unfortunately, now I have to go to bed." I glanced at the VCR clock to see it was pushing midnight.

           "Ah, jeez. I’m sorry." I stood, grabbing my keys off the table, and heading for the door, followed by Dagny.

           "Look, um, I may be able to come into Gotfry’s on Friday night. I’m really pushing for it." I smiled.

           "Cool. I hope you can." I opened the door. "Well, see you later."

           "Good night, Chase."

           Dagny closed the door slowly behind me, the light in the hall getting smaller and smaller as the door-shaped beam turned into a sliver then finally just darkness.

 *  *  *

           I was bummed as I set up my equipment, getting Melo and Than ready for another night of rocking. Dagny had never missed a performance, even before we became friends. I knew it couldn’t be helped, but that didn’t make me feel any better.

           "What gotten into you? You look like your dog just died." I turned to see Terrie settling herself behind her drums, smiling at me.

           "Nothing. I’m fine." I smiled, quickly turning back to the mic. I didn’t want to have to try and explain something to her that I didn’t fully understand myself.

           Greg had the place decked out for Valentine’s Day tomorrow, red paper hearts hung on fishing line overhead, pink and red balloons decorating the walls and helium-filled ones bobbing around the ceiling. There was a special on strawberry daiquiris or any other red or pink drink, too. It was nice.

           The crowds had already begun to gather as we started our first set, playing a number of old rock songs as well as modern. We had started to tone down the teeny-bopper stuff immensely, which I was forever grateful for. It was hard to make myself sing it.

           I finished off a duet with Doug of "You’re the One That I Want", a fun song that got the crowd going. Doug put his arm around my shoulders and hugged me when we finished.

           "Great job," he whispered in my ear. I smiled at him. I moved toward the center of the stage again, ready to start the next song when he took the mic out of its holder, and turned back to the audience. "Ladies and gentlemen, as you know today is Chase’s birthday." He grinned at my stunned expression. "So, one, two, three," The band began to play the traditional song, and sixty drunk patrons began to sing along. I think my face matched the hearts on the walls as I looked around. How the hell had they found out?

           Doug, still singing, put his arm around my shoulder and lead me down the stairs of the stage to the main floor when I saw a huge cake being carried toward me, nineteen lit candles. The stunned expression on my face turned to a smile when I saw who held the cake, followed by Carrie. Dagny winked as she sang, the candles throwing eerie shadows on her face as she carried the cake to the bar.

           "Make a wish!" Doug said when the song ended. I glared playfully at Dagny, she smiled. I leaned over the cake, my wish made a long time ago, and blew out the candles in one blow. The crowd, which had completely surrounded us at the bar, clapped and cheered. I turned to Dag, wagging my finger at her.

           "What?"

           "Yeah, drop the innocent act." She smiled and hugged me.

           "Happy birthday, Chase." She said in my ear as we hugged. I closed my eyes, hugged her tight. When we parted, Carrie was there, holding something behind her back.

           "Chase, Dagny and I got together to get you something you can really use. We wanted to add to the family, so here you go. Happy birthday." She brought out a life-size blow up electric guitar, colored bright pink with a red bow tied around it. I threw my head back with laughter, my arm going around Dagny’s neck, pulling her into me.

           "You guys are bad." Dagny hugged me again, laughing along with everyone else.

           We cut the cake, and Dagny dragged me over to the table where all her friends had gathered, plus one that I didn’t know.

           "Hi. I’m Paul Reilly." He stood, shook my hand. "Happy birthday." He smiled. He was a good looking guy, dark hair nicely cut, casual dress but very well put together.

           "Chase, Paul is a transfer student here, so I thought I’d bring him along to meet everyone." I nodded with a smile.

           "Thanks for coming, Paul." I indicated Carrie who stood next to me, looking around. "This is my friend, Carrie."

           "Carrie." He shook her hand as well, once she turned her attention back to us. She said a quiet hello. This was one of the first big public outings for Carrie, and I could tell she was nervous, constantly looking around to see if that bastard was near.

           "Chase, come with me." Dagny grabbed my hand, pulled me toward the door, and out into the night. We walked to her car, and she opened the door to grab a wrapped gift, handing it to me with a smile. "I wanted to give you your real gift… alone," she finished shyly. I took the gift, a card in a red envelope laying on top. I put the gift on top of Freud, and opened the card. Normally I would have waited to do this until I was in the dorm, hating to have to react in front of expectant people, but I couldn’t wait.

           On the front was a picture of an old woman jamming on an electric guitar, her legs spread wide, wearing a long house dress. Her face was pale and covered in a street map of wrinkles, excited, with her mouth open. In large, black letters it read:

You know you’re getting old when…

           I grinned at it, opened it.

You get your guitar chord mixed up with the oxygen hose.

           I laughed heartily at that. "Oh, Dag, you are bad. What’s gotten into you?" She laughed with me, shaking her head.

           "Who knows." I read what she had written in her neat, small hand writing.

Chase,

 You have truly made a difference in my life and made me remember what life is all about. I never forgot the precocious eight year old who made my summer one of the best I’ve ever had. Now, eleven years later, that same person is in my life yet again. What power had the foresight to bring us together and turn you from my charge to my best friend? Whatever it is, karma, divine intervention, or sheer coincidence, I’m grateful.

 Happy Birthday, my friend.

 Love,

 Dag

           I looked up from the card, speechless. I took a step toward Dagny, grabbed her for a massive hug. I said nothing, and neither did she. There wasn’t room for words. I felt, more than heard, her sigh as she held me. I wanted to second that with my own contented sigh. Standing there, being so close to Dagny, there was nowhere else in the entire world I wanted to be. She embodied everything I strived for, to be. Nope, my hero worship hadn’t gone anywhere.

           "Don’t forget this." Dagny pulled away from me, handed me the wrapped gift. I smiled, shy, ripping into the paper, tossing it aside to be yelled at by Dagny for temporary littering.

           The paper all gone, I looked down at the leather-bound notebook in my hands. My name was stenciled in gold dead center. I looked up at her, confused.

           "Someone told me you’re quite the song writer and poet." I was shocked, my open mouth making that plain. She chuckled. "You have a brilliant mind, Chase, and I want you to write all those wonderful thoughts and songs in here." She placed her hand over mine that rested on the book. "Someday this will be worth something. I hope I’m around to see it."

           I just looked at her. I could feel my throat tightening up, but didn’t want her to know just how touched I really was. No one had ever taken my writing seriously, certainly no one who had never read or heard anything I had written.

           "Thank you, Dagny," I finally said, my voice quiet. "I don’t know what to say."

           "You don’t have to say anything." She brushed back some hair from my still-astonished face. "Happy birthday, Chase." She squeezed my hand, turned toward Freud. "Oh, um, I can start swimming again."

           I grinned, huge and excited. "Really?"

           "Yeah, but," She paused. "It has to be at five."

           "In the morning?" I squeaked, she laughed.

           "Yes, in the morning. I would love to see you, but I do understand if that’s too early."

           "I’ll see what I can do." I smiled, so did she.

           "Great! Well, I do have to go."

           "I can’t thank you enough for coming, Dag. You really didn’t have to." I held the notebook to my chest as I leaned against the car next to Freud. Dagny looked at me for a moment, her head slightly cocked to the side.

           "Yeah, I did. See you." She stepped in, closed the door and started up the engine. I watched her until the SUV disappeared, then with a sigh, headed back into the bar.

 *  *  *

           Sitting on my bed with my back against the wall and my knees drawn up, I transferred the song I was writing from various pieces of notebook paper to the journal Dagny had given me. With careful strokes, the song came to life, and I even managed to add a few stanzas in there, until I realized that it was finished. I read my handiwork:

Comfortable In My Skin

Lessons learned, as days go by
 I test my wings, learn I can fly
 I test my heart, find I can soar.
 Everyday you believe in me
 I can do more.

 Chorus:

 You touch my hand, you touch my soul
 You touch my heart, I am all yours
 You make me strong, tell me I can win
 I’m comfortable, in my skin
 I’m now aware of who I am
 My place in this world, I can understand
 It took your faith in my ability
 To open my eyes and allow me to see

 Chorus

 All my life, I didn’t have a voice
 Others made decisions and left me no choice
 Then someone listened to what I had to say
 And made me realize I could make it my way
 I was too young to truly know
 The ache in my chest when you let me go
 But now I have you to hold me near
 And the ache I once felt has disappeared

 Chorus

           I read and re-read, singing in my head. This was my anthem, my theme song.

           The door to the room opened, and Natalie strolled in. She had a vase full of flowers, three balloons bobbing off the ceiling and doorway and a white box under her arm. She smiled when she saw me.

           "Happy birthday!" She walked to me, handing me the gifts that she bore. I smiled up at her.

           "Aw, that is so sweet." I put the journal aside, grabbed the flowers, what looked to be a summer bouquet of a little bit of everything, and the balloons that were tied to it. "Mm, they smell good."

           "And, this is from the kids. They are so bummed that you won’t be there tomorrow at the bible study, but they do understand. I mean, Carrie is your best friend, and all." She handed me the white box. Intrigued, I opened it up to see a small cake in the shape of an old country guitar. The words: Happy Birthday Music Lady written in blue icing. I laughed, completely touched.

           "This is too much. How did they do this?" I looked up at my roommate who took the flowers from me to set them on the desk and sat across from me on her own bed.

           "Well, they wanted to do something nice for you. You give up every single Thursday night for them, and they appreciate it. So do I." She smiled, reached under her bed to pull out a long and skinny wrapped box. "This is also from me." She handed it to me, then sat expectantly with her hands in her lap, legs together. With glee I tore into the paper to reveal a music stand. I looked at the box, reading the multi purposes of it. I was thrilled.

           "Oh, Nat. Thank you so much."

           "Do you like it?" she asked nervously. I nodded.

           "Oh, yeah. Definitely. This will definitely help on Tuesday and Thursdays." I smiled.

           "I figured, plus I’m sure as time goes on you’ll be doing more and more with music." I put the box aside, leaned across the narrow space between our beds and hugged her.

           "Thank you, Natalie. You really didn’t have to."

           "I know. But I wanted to." She gave me one more smile, then left the room to head to the bathroom and shower before bed.

           I picked the journal up again, and re-read my lyrics. It was how I felt. It was good, and I was happy with it. With a sigh, I closed the cover, set it on my desk and re-set my alarm, then laid down, my hands over my head as I stared up at the ceiling.

           I had made the room more my own, putting up posters and goofy sayings. I looked over at Natalie’s side of the room. So barren. She had a cross hanging on the wall over her bed, and a poster of a beaker filled with different life forms, dolphins swimming around, babies walking and plants and animals. Underneath the beaker, in large white letters, it read: Got Biology? I chuckled, stared back at my water-stained ceiling.

           I grabbed the music stand Natalie had given me, very pleased. When I played for her bible study I always had to get creative when laying out my music. This would help.

           I thought about tomorrow. I was excited to spend some great time with Carrie. Her nineteenth could be a blessing or a curse being on Valentine’s Day. She wasn’t dating anyone, thus the curse, but then again, with her birthday, she had something to celebrate anyway. I laughed at my friend’s twisted logic. I didn’t know what we were going to do, but I did know it would just be me and her. I needed that time with her, time to re-connect without a tragedy being the connective tissue.

           The door to the room opened, and I could smell my roommate before I even saw her. Her Herbal Essence shampoo and Irish Spring soap. She never deviated from either.

           "Did you have a good birthday, Chase?" I looked up at Nat as she took the towel from her head and dried her hair. I nodded.

           "Yeah. It was good. Dagny came." I smiled, so did she.

           "Well, good. You were worried about that." She sat on her bed, started to comb through the long brown strands.

           "Well, I don’t know if worry is the right word. I wanted her there, I mean she’s a good friend of mine." Natalie stopped brushing, just looked at me. My brows drew. "What?"

           "Nothing." She shook her head with a smile and continued brushing. "You guys have certainly gotten close fast." She flipped her head and began to brush her hair upside down.

           "Well, she’s cool to hang out with." I stared up at the ceiling again, thinking of my friend’s face, seeing her smile before my eyes. I smiled back at the phantom image. "She’s so nice and caring. I mean look how she handled the Carrie situation. The woman has the magic touch with people." My roommate was silent, so I looked over at her. She was staring at me, a grin on her face. "What?" I asked yet again, starting to get a little irritated.

           "If you speak so highly of all your good friends, let me get in line." I rolled my eyes and stared up again. "Goodnight, Chase."

           "Night." I heard Natalie pull out her two towels, plop them on the floor and kneel down on them.

 *  *  *

           The image was getting closer, the skin pale and smooth, covering beautiful legs, strong and powerful. The darkness began to part to reveal more, moving up to a flat stomach, shadows dancing and playing as she moved, walking closer and closer. The darkness parted even more, rising up…

           BEEP BEEP BEEP

           Smack!

           I leaned over the desk from the end of my bed, my hand still on the alarm clock. My eyes were heavy, and I just wanted to fall back into the warm bed and go back to sleep. I wanted to finish my dream. My dream.

           My eyes shot open as I remembered my dream and where it had been heading. I knew it had been Dagny’s body that I was trying to see, that I imagined walking toward me, naked and glorious. My body burned, my fingers itched. Taking a deep breath, I stood, stretching to help wake myself. I glanced over and looked with envious eyes at Natalie’s sleeping form.

           "Swim. Must swim."

           I pulled into the lot, which was empty except for one. I smiled when I saw Freud. The engine was still warm and ticking, so I knew Dag hadn’t been here long. The lady at the desk smiled at me then went back to her computer screen.

           The place was eerily quiet. I was amazed at how much more traffic it would have in an hour. God, why was I here at frigging five in the morning?

           "Chase!" I turned to see Dagny walking toward me, the biggest smile on her face. I smiled in return, my eyes automatically dropping to where my dream eyes had stopped. She looked great in a pair of baggy running pants and a tank. Realizing what I was doing, they popped back up to hers. "What on earth are you doing here so ridiculously early?"

           "I could ask you the same question." I grinned.

           "Come on. I forgot my towel in the car." I walked out with her, back into the chilly morning air.

           "Well, I can’t do this real often, but, well, I miss swimming with you." I glanced at her to see a strange look on her face.

           "God, you are so sweet." She put her arm around my shoulders. "I am definitely appreciative." She grabbed her towel, and we headed back for our swim.

           As usual, I was done in long before Dag, so I waited at the edge of the pool for her to finish her marathon of laps. The only reason I didn’t feel bad was she had twenty years of swimming to my couple months.

           "God, this is so exhilarating." Dagny gushed as she pulled herself up to sit next to me. She smiled at me, running her hands over her hair to slick it back. "I’m so glad you came, Chase. It’s amazing how much you take someone’s presence and company for granted, you know?" I nodded. Yup, I knew exactly what she meant. Then to my surprise she laid her head against my shoulder. "I’m so tired. They say this part of the doctorate program ends, but I’m not so sure, anymore. Why am I doing this to myself, Chase?" She glanced up at me with heavy-lidded eyes. I put my arm around her shoulders.

           "Because it’s your dream, Dag."

           "I could just get my masters, and I’d be fine with that." She pulled away with a sigh.

           "No you wouldn’t. You and I both know that you won’t be happy and content until you finish." She looked at me for a moment, her eyes staring into mine. I stared back, wanting to turn away for fear that she’d be able to read me. She’d never understand, hell I barely did. Either way, I couldn’t risk it. I stared back out over the water, but I could still feel her eyes on me.

           "Oh, Chase. Life is a funny place, isn’t it?" I nodded, smiling at her.

           "That it is."

           "Come on, let’s go get a bagel."

 *  *  *

           The semester flew by, and I was approaching the end of my first year of college. I saw Dagny rarely during the last couple months. She came to Gotfry’s on Friday nights, but had to leave at the break. It was hard but I knew she did what she could. For Valentine’s Day I had been surprised by a card and a pink carnation that had been put under my door. I had nearly stepped on it as I came in. It was from Dagny, and I had been cheesed beyond belief.

           Carrie and I had managed to rebuild things, and she was doing well. I had caught her going to a party one time, but let her go. It was her life, and she made her own choices. Later that night she had called, crying. She had gotten drunk and felt like she had disappointed me.

           "Car, it’s your life. There’s nothing wrong with having a good time, but it’s all a matter of being responsible."

           "I know." She sniffled. "It was stupid. I didn’t mean to." She sighed into the receiver. "I just feel like shit, Chase. Like I don’t really matter anyway, so why bother?"

           "Carrie! Don’t you ever say that again. You matter to more people than you realize. And you know if you did something stupid you’d have to deal with me killing your ass for you." She laughed quietly. "You have so much going for you. You’re so talented and good with art, and there’s that class you’re so excited about next year. You just have to think, use your head."

           "Okay. I can do this." I heard her blowing her nose.

           "Of course you can. I never doubted you could, Car."

           "Thanks, Chase."

           "Not a problem. Get some sleep."

           "Okay." I carefully hung the phone up, sighed. What was I going to do with her?

           The summer was here, and I was thrilled. I had gone home the day after finals ended, doing one more show at Gotfry’s. I promised Greg I’d come back for Friday night shows, but wouldn’t start up Wednesdays again until I came back for my summer class in July. My parents had been thrilled at the prospect of my doing additional work, English 273. If only they knew it was a class on lesbian literature. I’m such a rebel.

           I got home to be received by happy parents, but also given lists of chores to do while I was on break. I did these, but usually watched soap operas during the day when my mom was gone, quickly vacuuming and dusting minutes before she got home. Ah, just like old times. My mother asked me daily if I’d gotten my report card. I was nervous about it, so I went online to UA’s website, and found my grades. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw them, knowing I wouldn’t have to try and beat my mom to the mailbox everyday. I had done well, two B’s and four A’s. Life was good.

           I would only be at home for a few weeks, and I was glad about this. My life was now at school, and I wanted to get back to it. Also, I wanted to get back to Dagny. She was class-free this summer, but had gotten a job at Rincon Market, just east of campus. She worked in the market part of it sometimes, and others worked in the restaurant. I also wanted to get a job.

           "You don’t need a job, honey. Soon enough you’ll want to stop working," my mom said as she put her make-up on. I sat on the toilet lid watching her. This was a ritual we had done since I was a child.

           "But I want a job. What’s the problem?" She turned to look at me.

           "We give you a monthly allowance for a reason, Chase. Right now your priorities should be school and school alone."

           "This is just for the summer, though. I want some independence!" My mother’s eyes bugged at my defiance. I didn’t know what to do; I had said it and I meant it, but wasn’t sure I was ready for the backlash of it. She stared at me for a moment, her hand on her hip as she sized me up. I managed to keep eye contact, letting her know I was serious. "Mom, I’ve got to grow up at some point. Do you know how much of a slug I feel like, still living off you guys? I mean, damn, I am pushing twenty, and still live off your money." I shrugged, hoping to take the sting out of my words. "I love you guys, and really appreciate all you do for me. It’s just time for me to start helping myself out, you know?"

           "Carla never had a job during her undergrad years," she said quietly, turning back to the mirror to apply eyeliner.

           "Yeah, well that’s Carla. I, however, am not her. We’re two very different people, mom." I stood. "When are you going to see that?" I walked out of the bathroom, angry.

           I got so tired of my older sister’s, the saint, name being added into every conversation that I tried to have about me with my mom. Why couldn’t they just take me on my own merit? When would I come into my own?

           My mom had managed to get me to go shopping with her. I needed some new clothes, and she was willing to pay for them, so who was I to say no.

           We walked the halls of the mall, both of us carrying bags loaded with clothes and a new pair of tennis shoes.

           "Your father and I talked last night," she said finally after a while of silence. "I heard what you said the other day, Chase, and you’re right. I’m stopping you from trying to grow, and I’m sorry. We’ve had our problems in the past, but I feel we’re getting through those." She gave me that look that mothers are so good at. The look said that I had been a loser and a disappointment before, but now had managed to get my head out of my ass and make them proud. I know there was a compliment in there somewhere, and was willing to take it where I could get it.

           "Okay," I said to her prolonged pause.

           "You can get a job. I think it would be best if you kept it to fifteen hours or less during the school year, however." I turned to her, stunned.

           "You mean I can keep it?" She nodded.

           "Yes. You’ve done so well this year, and I’m proud of you. Your grades were outstanding." She stopped us, setting our packages down on a nearby bench. She hugged me, her voice shaky. "You are so smart, honey. I just never understood why you refused to use what God gave you." She pulled back, her hands still on my shoulders. "The only thing I ask is that you keep your mind open for your future. You still have some time before you really need to be thinking of a career path. Give it the summer. Please?"

           I stared at her, my previous glow of pride dimming to a mere 15 watts. "Mom, I like psychology. It’s what I want to do. My schedule is already made up for next semester, and I’ve got a pretty heavy load with psychology classes." She looked at me, her eyes shadowing. She sighed, grabbed her bag, handing me mine.

           "Let’s go."

           I walked on beside my quiet mother. I knew she was upset with me, again. I was proud of myself. I had never disagreed with anything to her face, and I was stunned. I was nervous about it, but elated at the same time.

           My father was sitting on the couch reading the newspaper when we got home. He smiled at us as we walked in.

           "Oh, Chase, your friend Dagny called when you were out. She called twice, actually."

           "What did she want?" I asked, my foot on the bottom step of the stairs. He shrugged.

           "She didn’t say."

           I hurried up to my room, anxious to call her back. I almost felt obsessed with her. She consumed my thoughts, and the mention of her name sent chills up my spine.

           I flopped down on my bed, dropping my shopping bags on the floor as I grabbed the handset next to my bed. I quickly dialed the familiar number, waiting for her to pick up. The phone rang and rang, finally her answering machine picked up. I even loved the sound of her voice over the machine! God, how pathetic.

           "Um, hey, Dag. My dad said you had called, so I was calling you back. I’ll be here all day if you want to call back. Um, bye." I set the receiver back into the cradle gently, staring down at it. I missed her.

 *  *  *

           Cocoon

The rare words of devils
 Tempt me to vicious dreams
 There's nothing left to glean
 From these visions

 Watching with half-closed lids
 The recorder of my life
 Shows the happy times of strife
 That have risen

 Chorus:

 So I think I'm all alone
 Only reaching for the stars
 Never trying for the moon
 Wrapped up in my cocoon

 Like the turning of the tide,
 Always changing but the same
 Try to keep a simple rein
 On each day

 How can I keep this face
 When behind it lies the truth
 And everything has moved
 Another way

 Chorus

 At times I feel my friends
 Are all growing around me
 They have turned into large trees
 And I'm an acorn

 Or feel my jagged sides
 There's no flow to smooth them over
 Sometimes changing, always older
 With the storm

 Chorus (fade out)

           I chewed on my pen as I read what I had written, my hand never stopping until it was all out. A tune popped into my head as automatically I set the lyrics to music.

           The sun had fallen, leaving the land in darkness. I sat on my bed, my knees drawn up, back against the headboard, pillows thrown off the bed. I had brought the journal Dagny had given me, home with me. It was like American Express, never leave home without it.

           I was making a slight change when I was startled by the shrill ring of the phone beside me. I picked up the receiver.

           "Hello?"

           "Hi." An instant smile spread across my face, and I felt my body relax against the wall, my legs stretching out. "What are you doing?"

           "Using the journal, actually." I glanced down at the book lying in my lap, tracing my fingertip over the smooth, cool page.

           "That’s great, Chase." My brows knitted.

           "What’s wrong?"

           "Nothing. Why?" I knew she was full of it. I could hear it in her voice, the way she spoke, something was wrong.

           "I don’t believe you, Dag." I set the notebook and pen aside, sat up.

           "What’s to believe, Chase? Nothing is wrong." She sounded so tired, her voice thick as if she had a stuffed up nose. Either she was sick, or she had been crying. I was worried on either count.

           "Okay, Dag. I won’t push." I sat there for a minute, playing with the phone cord, twisting it around my fingers. "How are you? I really miss you."

           "Oh, Chase, I miss you, too." I could hear her moving around, material being handled.

           "What are you doing?"

           "Laying down."

           "That sounds good." I pushed myself down the bed, grabbing a pillow from the floor. I curled up on my side, listened to the sound of Dagny breathing. "How’s the job going?"

           "Believe it or not, I actually love it." I smiled.

           "I do believe it. You love people, and well, there’s about as many people there as you can ever want." She chuckled softly.

           "This is true. How is it going there? Are you ready to kill the parents, yet?"

           "No. But I’m close. They’re going to let me get a job."

           "Oh, Chase that’s great. I know how much you wanted to get one." She was quiet for a moment. "Do you have regrets, Chase?" I drew my brows again.

           "Some, yeah. Why?" I pushed myself up on an elbow.

           "I don’t know. Life is so short, and sometimes I wonder if I’ve always made the right choices. Could I have prevented things? You know, thoughts like that."

           "Dagny, I know something’s wrong." I was frustrated, knowing there was nothing I could do from here, wanting desperately to be with her.

           "I’m just tired. In fact, I’m going to go to bed. Talk to you in the morning?"

           "Yeah. Okay. Sleep well, Dag."

           "You, too, Chase. Oh, and Chase?"

           "Yeah?"

           "Don’t let yourself have too many regrets. They come back to bite you in the ass."

           I stared at the dead receiver in my hand. What was the deal? I was really worried now. I got up, threw some clothes on. I was going back to school.

           My parents were as understanding as they could be, not wanting me to leave any earlier than I already was, but liking Dagny enough to care.

           I packed my little car as quickly as possible, and sped away toward the university. It was a short drive, but it felt like it took forever. Finally Dagny’s building came into view in front of my headlights, and I whipped into the parking lot, hurried out.

           I knocked, knowing Dagny was awake as the light could be seen under the door. Silence, then I heard the muted footsteps of someone walking in socks. The locks clicked as they were undone, and the door opened. Dagny stood there in flannel shorts and a tee. Her face was flushed, her eyes red, which made the green stand out all the more.

           "Chase," she whispered, a mixture of disbelief and relief in her voice, but quickly pulled herself together, wiping all expression off her face.

           "I came as soon as I could. I was really worried. Still am."

           "Come in." She walked toward the couch, leaving the door open for me. I closed it softly behind me, following. When I had myself settled next to her, she took a deep breath. "Darrel’s dead." I was stunned, the air escaping me in a sigh.

           "Dagny," I reached out to touch her, but she put her hand up. I was stung, but let her talk.

           "It happened yesterday, on his way to work. Some asshole wasn’t paying attention, and well, he died a few hours later at the hospital." I could tell she was trying to hold it all inside, trying not to let it out. "I just talked to him, Chase. He called me again last week, begging me to go out to at least see him." She swallowed. "I told him no, I had too much to do."

           I watched the incredible struggle she was having, the battle raging between her heart and her brain. Why was she fighting it?

           "Let go, Dag." I said as gently as I could. She looked at me, shaking her head.

           "No, I’m fine." She smiled weakly. "I have to stay strong."

           "For who?" Her eyes narrowed as she looked at me.

           "For me! I have to stay strong for me, Chase. No one else will get me through this." She stood from the couch, beginning to pace. Feeling like I was watching a tennis match, I ran my hands through my hair and stood as well.

           "Dagny, why won’t you trust me to get you through this?" An impatient hand swiped at her eye, and I knew she was cracking. I walked over to her, tentatively reaching out to her. "Please? You have helped me through so much, and my friend through the hardest thing she’ll ever have to go through," I pleaded, my eyes saying it all.

           "I can’t Chase," she said softly, her voice cracking. She looked longingly down at my hand that rested on her arm. I sensed the yearning, and took a step closer.

           "Please? Let me help." The closer I got, the softer and more gentle my voice became. "Trust me?"

           "I," A tear began to slowly make its way down her cheek. "Why, Chase? Why did it have to happen this way?" A small sob escaped, though she tried to ignore it.

           "I don’t know, Dag. Things just happen, and we have no idea why. Come here." I put my hand on her shoulder, easing it around her neck until I pulled her to me. She rested her head against my neck, her body relaxing against mine, her arms going around my waist. We had issues to talk about, but not right now; they could wait. I needed to know why she wouldn’t trust me and let me in as I had her.

           I felt the tiniest bit of wetness against my chest, through my shirt. I put my hand on the back of her head, stroked her hair as I held her, everything in the world disappearing except Dagny and her pain. Finally the dam broke, and she really began to cry.

           "Shh, I know, Dag. We’ll get through this."

 *  *  *

           I slowly ran my fingers over the right chords of my guitar, feeling the music in my soul. I wanted her to know just exactly how I felt, and what I wanted to be. I wanted to sing this for her, just for her.

           The words of "Bridge Over Troubled Water" were written by Paul Simon, but they said everything I ever felt for Dagny, they said what I wanted her to know. Just me, Melo, and my promise to Dagny.

           I kept my eyes closed as I sang, never singing so purely before. The song built, and so did my emotions, nearly seeping from my eyes. I held myself in check as I continued:

 Sail on silver, girl.
 Sail on by
 Your time has come to shine,
 All your dreams are on their way

 See how they shine
 Oh, if you need a friend
 I’m sailing right behind

 Like a bridge over troubled water
 I will ease your mind
 Like a bridge over troubled water
 I will ease your mind

           I put my entire soul into the song, letting my voice and the music die off, my eyes still closed as I took a breath. Thunderous applause brought me back to reality, and I finally looked around. The bar’s patrons were on their feet, but I was only looking for one. I saw her, at her usual table, her hands gripping her drink like a vise. I noticed the tears on her cheeks, and I smiled. She smiled back.

PART 8 and 9

           I OPENED MY EYES, feeling soft and warm. For some reason my vision was blurry, and I could only see something pale. I inhaled, husky, spicy scent. I looked around using just my eyes, saw the blue material that met the pale something. I directed my attention to my fingertips and felt softness beneath them, soft and squishy.

           Oh my god.

           I seemed to be curled up with Dagny. My mind raced to last night. I had stayed here with her for the past few days for a couple of reasons. One, she was still upset and had asked me not to leave. Two, I didn’t have a dorm yet for my summer class. We had gotten back here after the show at Gotfry’s, and she had been really upset, the song tapping into something very emotional.

           We had walked into the apartment, and Dagny had headed straight for her bedroom, and I had headed for the couch to make up my bed.

           "Chase?" I looked up, surprised to hear my name, but nothing else, so I wandered into Dag’s bedroom to see her sitting on the bed, her head down, hands in her lap. She looked up at me, her eyes red.

           "You okay?" I asked, leaning against the doorframe. She shook her head, patted the bed beside her. I quickly sat, putting my arm around her shoulders as she leaned into me. She was so vulnerable, almost child-like. "Do you want me to stay?" She nodded with a quiet "Yeah." So, she had laid on her side, and I had spooned up behind her, trying to give her as much comfort and security as I could with just the heat of my body.

           This brought us to my current situation. How did I end up laying on Dagny’s shoulder, my body pressed against her side, hand resting on her stomach, when I was supposed to be holding her? Was she awake? Would she freak out like I was when she did wake up? I had to see, had to know.

           My head popped up to find myself staring into two very open green eyes. She looked at me, surprised by my sudden appearance. She said nothing, nor did I. I smiled weakly, laid my head back down.

           Shit! What do I do? If she had been asleep I could have quietly moved myself away, and she would never have known the difference. Maybe I can go back to sleep, and then she will too, and I can move then. She’ll think it was a dream, and never be the wiser.

           But I had to admit, this felt wonderful, and I reveled in it. I closed my eyes, a small sigh escaping me. I felt Dagny’s arm, that I realized had been around me the entire time, tighten, her other arm coming around to encircle me completely. God, did I die sometime in the night and go to Heaven? Couldn’t be. Natalie once told me I was too evil for words, and she seemed to be an expert on this stuff, so perhaps this was hell, and when I looked again the person holding me will actually be Mike.

           I grinned at my own thoughts, knowing just how silly they were. In all honesty I didn’t think Dagny would freak out. We weren’t doing anything wrong, just two friends who are holding each other. Just because one of them thought about the other on an almost illegal basis, and obsessed constantly, didn’t mean anything.

           I turned my brain off and just enjoyed the feeling. I felt Dagny swallow, and could hear her heartbeat, slow and steady. I cuddled in a little closer, feeling the softness of her breast against my shoulder. I had never noticed just how safe and comforting those things could be. Guess it goes back to the whole mother/child thing. Freud would have a field day with me.

           We laid just as we were for a good half hour when I got to wondering again. I popped my head up for a second look and saw the same thing. This time Dagny grinned at me, completely amused.

           "Hey," she said. I smiled back.

           "Um, hi?" She chuckled, running her hand along my back.

           "Thanks for staying with me last night, Chase. I really appreciate it." She pushed some wild strands of hair away from my face, tucking them behind an ear. Though she was smiling, I could tell that the situation of Darrel’s death was still having an effect on her. I knew there really wasn’t anything for me to do, I’d just do my best to be there for her.

           "You’re welcome. Um, I’m sorry about this, though." I indicated our present positions. She shook her head.

           "Why? Aren’t you comfortable?"

           "Well, yeah, but,"

           "But what?" I’m too comfortable, Dagny. Therein lies the problem. She smiled at me. "You’re so cute." She chuckled at my obvious discomfort.

           "Thanks, I think." I pulled away, and to my horror noticed a small bit of slobber on Dagny’s neck, the edge of the collar on her shirt slightly discolored. Oh my god. I reached toward her, wiping it away. "I’m sorry." She laughed, adding to my hell. I scooted to the edge of the bed and stood. Dagny started to get up, but I turned, putting my hand up. "Nope. You stay." She looked at me, obviously surprised and confused. "I’ll be back."

           "Ah." She lay back down, piling the two pillows behind her and sitting against them. "Well, can I at least have the text book that’s sitting on the dresser over there?" She pointed. I saw the book and handed it to her. "Thank you. I’ll read while you do, well, whatever."

           I nodded, and headed toward the kitchen. What to make, what to make. I saw the waffle iron on the counter, and thought about it, but I didn’t want to burn down the apartment like I nearly did last time. I opened the refrigerator, saw the bag of bagels she kept. Perfect. Grabbing one and slicing it in half, I stuck it in the toaster, and dug out the fat free cream cheese.

           "Tray, I need a tray," I looked around again, looking for something that would work. I was making a great deal of noise as I rummaged through Dagny’s cabinets.

           "You better not be tearing up my clean kitchen!" she yelled from the bedroom.

           "Yeah, bite me," I yelled back as I looked at the cabinet that was now in shambles, hearing laughter. An idea sparked, and I went to the drawer under the stove, found a nice big cookie sheet. Hey, it may not be very conventional, but it would serve its purpose.

           As the bagel halves toasted, I poured a glass of orange juice and got out everything she could possibly need; plate, knife for the cream cheese, even found a straw for the juice. All my gifts loaded onto the cookie sheet, I headed into the bedroom.

           Dagny was immersed in her reading, knees drawn up, hair tucked behind one ear. God, to wake up to that every morning. Shaking the thought out of my head, I walked in.

           "Oh, no way. I can’t believe you did this!" Dagny put her book aside, and sat up a little straighter, her legs stretching out. I shrugged, embarrassed by her exuberance of what I had done. I set the cookie sheet over her lap, my choice of tray earning me a chuckle. "Oh, this looks good." She looked up at me with shining eyes and a wide smile. "Thank you, Chase. You have been so wonderful."

           "Eh, well, you know," I smiled stupidly as I shrugged and shuffled my feet.

           "Come here. I’ll share."

 *  *  *

           Dagny sent Darrel’s family flowers and a card, deciding not to go to the funeral. She felt like it wasn’t her place, and she did not belong there anymore. She said she didn’t want to have to think about, wanting a day to just have fun, so she took me job hunting.

           I had never had a quote, end quote, real job before. I had done some babysitting in my early teens, but that was about it. I was nervous, excited and felt like an adult for the first time. I picked up some applications, filled them out, not knowing half of the information I should.

           "This is pathetic. I don’t know my own damn social security number." I was frustrated, and felt stupid.

           "Hey, it’s okay, Chase. It’s not exactly something you use everyday, you know? Don’t worry about it. Do you have a copy of it somewhere? In your wallet, anything?" I dug through it, looking for anything that looked like it may be important.

           "Damn, I need to clean this thing out." I grinned, making a small pile of old receipts, movie ticket stubs and even an old gum wrapper. "Nope."

           "What’s this?" Dagny pulled something out that was hiding behind my school I.D. She grinned at me, holding the blue and white paper card between her fingers. I looked at it, the nation’s seal catching my eye. I snagged it from her hand, glaring. She laughed.

           I wrote down the information and went on to the next application to re-write the entire thing.

           "I am never going to get a job, Dag." I muttered.

           "Why not?"

           "Look at this. How pathetic is it?" I showed her the mostly blank spaces for previous experience.

           "You have to start somewhere Chase. It probably won’t be your dream job, but if it pays, it’s worth it." She smiled encouragement. "It’ll give you at least one more thing to fill in one of those spaces with."

           "Yeah, yeah." I grabbed the door handle of Freud, where we sat parked outside of the fast food place I was turning in an application for. "I’ll be right back."

           "I’ll be here."

           I gave the application to the sixteen-year-old assistant manager, feeling queasy thinking about having to work for that pimpled face little kid. I felt like such a loser.

           "I just got the greatest idea while you were in there." Dag said as I climbed back into the SUV. I looked at her, hoping lightning had stuck in the few minutes I had been gone. "Gotfry’s." I drew my brows.

           "I’m not twenty-one, Dag."

           "So? You’re over eighteen." She grinned wiggling her eyebrows.

           "Let’s go."

           "Hell, yeah! Why are you even asking for an application, Chase?" Greg leaned on the bar, a glass of cranberry juice in his hand. "I’ll hire you right now."

           "Are you serious?" I leaned in a little closer, making sure I’d heard him right. He sipped the drink, nodding.

           "You’d be great for business. People already love you, and if you served their drinks, too... Shit, I’ve found a gold mine in you, kid." He lightly punched me on the arm. I felt proud, and glanced over at Dagny to see she also had an ear-to-ear grin. "Oh, I talked with Doug the other night. I want you guys to be my main act over the weekends this summer. Kill Wednesdays until school starts up again, but do Friday and Saturday nights, instead. You cool with that?"

           "Yeah. Sounds great. What did Doug say?"

           "He said to talk to you." He downed the rest of his juice, slamming the glass down with a satisfied grin. "Okay, you be here tomorrow night, Chase and we’ll get this hiring business over with. For now, you two get lost or spend some money." He smiled, walked further down the bar where a middle-aged, balding man was sitting, looking Dagny up and down. He smiled suggestively, Dagny glared at him, turned to walk out of the bar.

           I ripped the other application in half, thrilled that my search was over. The only downfall was I couldn’t be totally honest with my parents about it. Sigh. I guess into everyone’s life little white lies must fall.

           Since we both had the night free and clear, we decided to make the best of it. I was nearly jumping up and down with my excitement. We hadn’t been able to spend any really good time together since the beginning of the semester, and now we had the whole summer. Carrie planned to come back a little early so she and I could do some things, too, which I looked forward to. We also had an appointment to talk with her lawyer in mid-July. I knew she was worried and nervous about it, but ultimately she’d be glad to get it all over with.

           I bit my lip as I checked out the newest movies that had arrived at Blockbuster, my arms crossed over my chest. As I read the titles, I thought back over the day. It had been incredible. Dagny had been a little quiet compared to her usual enthusiastic self. She had been very touchy and affectionate. I think she needed that human contact, and I certainly didn’t mind. She had said she wanted a night to forget and have fun, spending some quality time with me. Of course I got all gooey with that, but I was prepared to do anything in my power to make her have fun.

           "Hey, Dagny, come here." I said as I spotted a new movie I knew she had been wanting to see.

           "’Kay." She said absently. I glanced over my shoulder to see her reading the back of a box in the Drama section. I waited, she continued to read, then put the box down to pick another to read.

           "Hello? Earth to Dagny Robertson."

           "I’m coming,"

           "Uh, huh, I can see that." I walked over to her, grabbed her from behind and lifted her off her feet.

           "Chase! Put me down!" She giggled like a school girl as I carried her over to the New Release wall, setting her down right in front of the movie I wanted her to see. Getting her bearings, she saw the box and with a huge grin picked it up. "Look! Lord of the Rings, Fellowship of the Ring is finally out!"

           "No shit, Sherlock."

           "And they have one copy left!" She snatched the video off the shelf, waving it in the air victoriously. "Why didn’t you say something, Chase? We could have lost this." I glared at her, my hands on my hips, toe tapping on the floor. She grinned sheepishly. "Oh, the reason for the, and you set me down in front of, okay. I got it."

           "You’re such a smart girl." I grinned.

           "I try."

           Loaded down with three movie rentals, we headed to Dagny’s apartment to relax and enjoy. We had picked up a pizza on the way, and spread it all out on the floor, moving the coffee table to the side. Dagny grabbed the comforter off her bed and laid it out so we’d have a nice space to eat and lay down on.

           We watched the teasers before Tolkien’s great epic began, both nearly vibrating with anticipation.

           We scarfed down the pizza, shoving the box aside, and I sat back against the front of the couch. To my surprise, Dagny scooted next to me, putting her head on my shoulder. I smiled, putting an arm around her shoulders, and sighing. If this was the way summer was going to be, I didn’t want school to start.

 *  *  *

           I ran over to the dorm today, finally getting my key for my summer room. I was thrilled to see I had managed somehow to get a single. I think it was a mistake, but wasn’t about to say anything. I was glad to have somewhere to put my stuff again, but in the same token, I hated having to leave Dagny’s apartment. I had been staying there for the last week, and it had been wonderful. It was her place, however, and I really didn’t want to encroach upon her space, so I went to find out about my dorm as soon as I was notified.

           I had started up at Gotfry’s two days ago, and so far absolutely loved it. Greg had me do whatever needed to be done from clearing tables to covering waitress’s breaks to standing at the door last night. Oh, that had been great fun. Never in my life did I think I’d be a bouncer, nor any good at it. I had a guy come in who was already drunk, and I had a bad feeling about him, so kept an eye on him. It didn’t take long for me to be proven right. He tried to start a fight and I got to be the lucky girl to throw his ass out. Next, Greg was going to start teaching me how to tend bar. I wasn’t sure if that was legal, but whatever.

           It was coming upon Friday, and time for rehearsals. Doug went over some new songs with the guys in the band, and Terrie and I sat on the grass in Doug’s front yard, catching some sun. It was late May and beautiful out. The sky was blue as a robin’s egg, and the temperatures were warm, but not scorching.

           I rubbed suntan lotion on my legs as Terrie leaned back on her elbows, ankles crossed. She watched me.

           "You have nice legs, Chase." I glance back at her to see that she had lowered her sunglasses a bit, looking over the tops.

           "Thanks." I smiled shyly. I didn’t take compliments well, and wasn’t real fond of them.

           "Do you work out?" She sat up, running a hand over my left shin.

           "Uh, well, no. Not really. Dagny and I swim every morning, but that’s about it." She nodded, taking in what I said.

           "That’s good exercise, but I bet you’re one of those people who are just lucky, and don’t need to do a thing." She smiled at me. "Am I right?"

           "Well, I wouldn’t go that far, but I’ve been pretty lucky, I guess."

           "I’ll say." She patted my leg and leaned back again, her head back, neck arched to the sun. "God, it’s blissful out here." She sighed. "I must say, this is one thing I missed when I left, the sun. Where I went back east, oh, it was cold and dreary or simply hot and humid. Miserable."

           I set the suntan lotion bottle aside, laid back, my hands behind my head. I stared up at the clouds, seeing what I could find in them. I felt her presence as Terrie scooted over, putting her head next to mine so we were touching.

           "How is your summer going?" I turned to find she had moved to her side, holding her head in her hand.

           "It’s going well, I guess. I start my summer class here in a couple weeks."

           "Really? What are you taking?"

           "Just a literature class, you know, knock another of my core classes down." I smiled. I felt strange about what I was taking, almost like I had to hide the fact that we’d be reading lesbian erotica, and literature. It wasn’t a bad thing, and I was looking forward to it, the curiosity nearly killing me. But, all the same, I didn’t want this to be common knowledge. I wasn’t quite ready for the questions just yet.

           "I loved literature in college." Terrie smiled at me. "All the great classics. This may seem strange, but one of my favorite authors was always Rand." My head popped up.

           "Ayn?"

           "Yes. You know her work?"

           "Well, actually I just read Atlas Shrugged last semester." I grinned sheepishly, remembering why I had read it. My mother had yet to ask where that book had gone.

           "Are you a fan?" Terrie sat up, pulling her legs in Indian style, her hands resting in her lap.

           "Well, I actually read it at a friend’s urging."

           "That’s wonderful. I read Atlas Shrugged many, many years ago. Fountainhead was always my favorite. Ayn always wrote such strong female characters, so far ahead of her time for a woman in the fifties. Especially the main character in Shrugged. Oh, what was her name,"

           "Dagny Taggart."

           "Yes! That’s right." She stopped, cocking her head to the side. "Your friend, isn’t her name Dagny?" I smiled, nodded.

           "Yup. She was named after Taggart. Dag’s why I read the book in the first place."

           "Well that’s wonderful that she could influence you like that. She’s very cute." She turned to look toward the garage. "It looks like we’re being called back into the den." Surprised by her comment about my friend, I got up to follow her into the garage.

 *  *  *

           Dagny had offered to help me move into the dorm, and I was grateful. I had a lot of stuff, and only two arms to carry it. This would be our first night apart in seven days, and I was not looking forward to it. I would miss her, and felt too childish to admit this to her. Big girl Chase afraid to stay alone. Well, afraid wasn’t the right word, I just wanted to be around her. I had been having odd dreams almost nightly, now, and though they all centered around Dagny and I enjoyed them immensely, I was confused by them.

           A heat was starting in the pit of my stomach whenever I was around her, or just when I thought of her. When we went swimming every morning and I’d see her in her bathing suit, I felt like a twelve-year-old boy seeing a nude picture for the first time. She made my body burn, and I ached for something so foreign to me. I understood, yet I didn’t, but I had the feeling the explanation was just around the corner.

           My clothes were spread out over the unmade bed, all dresser drawers open as I carefully re-folded the garments, sticking them in their appropriate place. Dagny watched me, an amused smile on her face.

           "I had no idea that you were such a perfectionist, Chase." She leaned against the wall, her arms crossed over her chest. I shrugged, carefully smoothing the wrinkles out of the Henley I was folding.

           "Well, you know, I don’t have the greatest amount of clothing, so I should take care of what I have, right?"

           "I suppose so." She pushed off, walked to the desk that was piled with stuff; notebooks, books, CD’s and my tiny movie collection I had at school with me. "What is this?" She grabbed an old, ratty notebook off the pile. I glanced at it.

           "Oh, I’ve had that since I was ten. If you can’t tell by all the doodling." I pointed at it, grinning. She nodded, smiling.

           "Yup, I can tell. I can’t imagine a college-aged Chase would be drawing Rainbow Brite."

           "Hey, I was ten. You do stupid things at ten." I pushed the drawer closed as I finished with my shirt drawer. Time for the shorts.

           "Why do you still have this?" Dagny sat on the bed, looking at all the doodles, turning the notebook this way and that to read all the goofy messages that were written in every direction. She chuckled a few times, shaking her head.

           "Well, I started writing when I was about nine. I started with simple poetry, not quiet getting the idea of writing a song until I saw a documentary on Elton John that summer." I leaned against the dresser, remembering the day the light bulb went off. I had run upstairs immediately, and had written my first song. "My parents bought us a whole bunch of school supplies for that year, and I liked the color of that notebook, thought the aqua was cool." I smiled. "It quickly became my writing notebook. Kind of like my diary, I guess."

           "May I?" I suddenly felt a sick feeling in my stomach at the though of Dagny reading my work. No one had ever read a word. "If you don’t want me to, Chase, I understand." She put her hand on my arm. I hated being so damn easy to read.

           "No, it’s okay. Go ahead." Dagny looked back down at the notebook, then over at me. I think she knew the significance of my letting her read those, that she was the first.

           "Thank you."

           She moved from the bed to the floor, resting her back against the side of the mattress, slowly opening the cover, trying to be careful as the flimsy cardboard was already pulling from the spiral wiring. She ran her hand down the smoothness of the first page, filled with more doodles and written in really bad cursive:

           Chase’s Award Winning Writings

           She chuckled. "That so?" She looked at me, trying to hide the grin that was begging to get out.

           "Yeah, yeah. I told you I was stupid when I was ten."

           "Come here, you goof. Sit with me." I tossed the shorts I had been folding to the dresser, and plopped down next to Dagny. I was so nervous, my heart about to pound right out of my chest. But at the same time, I was curious to see what she would think of the songs. She’d get to see a special part of my insides that no one had ever seen before.

           Dagny turned the first page to my first real song. It was short, didn’t make a whole lot of sense, obviously written by a child who was trying her musical wings. Dagny read it, smiling the entire time.

           "This is so adorable. I can just imagine you as little Chase, laying on your bed on your stomach, chewing on the eraser of your pencil." She looked at me, mirth twinkling in her eyes.

           "That’s about it, too." I smiled back. Dagny continued to read, eventually turning herself so she had her back to me, leaning against me. I could read over her shoulder, and put my hand on her upper back, trying to get those kinks out.

           "Oh, yeah. Keep it up," she breathed, her head leaning back for a moment as she enjoyed it, then turned her attention back to the page before her. "Misfit." My stomach clenched when she read the title. This song meant a great deal to me, and it would kill me if she didn’t like it. I hoped she could understand it, and not find it strange or stupid. I read over her shoulder:

 Tarnished and tattered
 Stained colors battered
 Why don’t I seem to fit in?
 Diff’rent as night and day
 Never seem to go their way
 Someone’s got to be kidding

 Chorus:

 Maybe the postman’s
 That could explain a lot
 Or left on their doorstep
 And they decided to adopt
 If that’s the case,
 I wish they’d left me instead
 In a family of crystal, I am lead

 Alienated
 Young and too jaded
 Can’t play the part they expect
 Too independent
 Don’t have a remnant
 Of their so-called great intellect

 Chorus:

 Chipped and abused
 Worn out, too, and used
 I feel too old for my years
 Rags to their dress clothes
 Stale to their fresh loaves
 I don’t let them see any tears

 Chorus: (repeat last line)

           Dagny said nothing, and I waited, holding my breath. She slowly moved away from me, looking at me. I was surprised to see her eyes shiny.

           "How old were you when you wrote this, Chase?" she whispered.

           "Thirteen."

           "Sing it. Please?"

           I looked at her for a moment, then nodded. I stood, grabbed Melo from the corner where she was tucked in with Than, and set her up. I sat on the edge of the bed, took a deep breath as I found the tune in my head again, and softly began to sing, talking of the confusion and pain from my early years, that had not gone away.

           Dagny watched and listened from her seat on the floor, hands in her lap as she studied me, her eyes traveling all over my face. I wondered what was going through her mind, what was she thinking? I was thinking that finally I had found someone to accept me for me, and not expect me to create the moon from a rock on the beach.

           It hit me in that moment, as I saw a tear slide down Dagny’s face, lazily making its way to her mouth. I saw those green eyes looking at me, at who I was and what I was capable of. This was what I wanted in my life, what I needed to keep me going and keep wanting to try and be me. I needed this I my life, I felt like I needed her.

           I nearly stopped playing as it hit me, but I kept going. I couldn’t think about it anymore, couldn’t let it seep into my conscious thoughts quite yet. I filed it away for further processing.

           I ended the song, looked at my friend, not sure what to say or ask.

           "God, Chase. You are, I had no idea. I’m blown away." Another tear managed to squeeze its way out of her left eye.

           "Why are you crying, Dag?" I asked quietly, putting Melo aside.

           "I feel so sad." She stood, gathered me into a huge hug. "I had no idea you felt this way, Chase. No idea." I put my arms around her and held her to me. God, what was I going to do? I knew there was no way in hell this would ever work. Dagny would have to stay my friend, and I’d have to figure something else out. For now I’d have to play it safe, keep everything locked inside. That wouldn’t be a problem. I’ve been doing that my entire life.

           "Is there more?" Dagny asked when she pulled away, her hand still on my shoulder as she looked down at me. I nodded. I stood, grabbed the leather journal from the desk.

           "There’s really only one in this journal. Well, one that’s finished, anyway." I didn’t want her to read Comfortable In My Skin. That song was just for me, it was my heart and feelings splayed out there in black and white, and I didn’t want the humiliation of Dagny reading it, seeing right through me. I flipped through the pages. "Here. This one’s called Confusion Abounds."

           Dagny took the journal from me. "Thanks." She began to read, again with me reading over her shoulder.

 What is this feeling
 That gnaws at my heart
 What does this mean then
 Now that we’re apart
 Why can’t I see quite
 What is chaining me
 Why can’t life be right
 And just let me be?

 Chorus:

 I can’t understand
 What’s going on inside
 But it’s a feeling I won’t deny
 I can’t seem to find
 A word for this ache
 But I’m not about to break

 So many questions
 So many things I don’t know
 Part of me wants to run
 But I’ll never let you go

 Though it can’t be identified
 I don’t know where to start
 True meanings always seem to hide
 From head but not from heart

 Chorus:

           Dagny softly shut the journal, smiled at me. "Wonderful, Chase. Really, really great." She ran her hand over the soft surface of the cover. "What were you talking about in that one? What inspired you?" I stared at her, trying to come up with something to say. How could I tell her she inspired all of my more recent songs?

           "Well, um, just life, I guess." I smiled nervously. "You know, things happen to you, and you put them away in your brain until they all spill out in one form or another." Dagny handed me the journal, and I put it back on the desk. I suddenly felt very nervous, my palms sweating. I didn’t know what I was afraid of. "So, we’ve worked hard today. Want to get some dinner?" I smiled, hopeful that she would take me up on getting out of here, and her away from my writing.

           "Yeah, that sounds good." She sniffled one last time, and we left the room.

           Magpie’s was quiet, after all it was the middle of the week. Dagny and I sat at the table that had become ours, always seeming to be seated in the same place. She looked at the menu, and I looked at her.

           My small revelation tonight had felt strange yet exhilarating. I didn’t fully understand the importance of it, yet, I knew. Part of me felt sad, however. I knew chances were good that Dagny would never see me the same way I saw her. What could I possibly offer her except a good friend? Someone to watch movies with, and eat pizza with. That was it, nothing more. Fifteen years from now, when we had both graduated college, gone our separate ways, she would not think of me. Would not wonder what I was up to. But I knew the same would not be true of me. Dagny would always be with me, the woman who changed me and my perception of myself.

           I was snapped out of my thoughts by the waiter asking for our drink orders. I got the same thing every time, drink and food-wise, so there wasn’t a big hurry for me to figure out what I wanted.

           "So what started you writing?" I looked at Dagny to see her staring at me, resting her chin on her hand. I shrugged. Grabbed the little glass shaker filled with Parmesan cheese.

           "I guess I had so many thoughts and feeling running through me as a kid, and I really didn’t know how to deal with them. I wasn’t creative like Carrie, couldn’t just draw it out on a piece of paper, and I couldn’t talk to my parents, really, so one day I sat down, and wrote that poem, figured out it was helpful, didn’t stop. Whenever something, good or bad, would happen in my life, I’d write about it. There you go."

           "You’re wonderful. I must say, I’m truly impressed. You wrote with more clarity and intelligence at thirteen than I do now." She smiled, thanking the waiter for bringing our drinks. I sipped from my soda.

           "I don’t know. I enjoy it. I would never want to do it for a living or anything, but nothing works better for me to get things out."

           "That’s good, Chase. We all need something."

           We had walked to Magpie’s from the dorm, and started to walk back.

           "What do you say we just walk?" Dagny asked, looking up into the clear night. I nodded my consent, and we turned left at the end of Magpie’s parking lot, began our stroll. The night was beautiful, summer turning out to be warm, but mild, the nights perfect. I glanced down, seeing Dagny’s hand, her thumb tucked into the belt loop of her shorts. I wanted to reach down and grab it, hold her hand, feel connected.

           I tore my eyes away, tossing the thought out of my head.

           "I have to confess, I’ve tried to write a time or two." Dagny’s voice surprised me, caught my attention. She looked at me to see what my reaction was. I looked at her, letting her know she had my attention. "It sucked. I think I’m too analytical to be poetic." I smiled, nodding.

           "Well, then am I screwed?" She laughed.

           "No. I think you’re one of those people who make me sick, who are good at just about anything they try." I smiled, liking the sound of that, even though it was just not true. As we walked, Dagny went on to tell me of different friends she had had through the years who had been writers, and even a good friend from high school who had been a sculpture. "She was fascinating, saw things in the strangest of ways."

           "Artists can be interesting, can’t they? Carrie can be quite the eccentric, sometimes."

           "So she’s finally made up her mind, huh?" Dagny took a sharp left and I followed suit without much thought. I nodded.

           "Yeah. I’m thrilled about it, too. She decided on painting. I think she’ll do well with it."

           "Do you see much of her?" I shrugged.

           "Yeah, for the most part. This is the first summer that we didn’t spend together." I said, suddenly sad at that fact. Things change, but I didn’t like change.

           "Oh, Chase. I’m sorry. Here you are stuck with me." Dagny turned to me, her brows drawn.

           "Hey, no, this is not a bad thing, Dag. Really." I tried to reassure her. The look on her face told me I wasn’t doing a very good job of it. "Really. I’d rather be here, you know?" I looked down at the sidewalk, which needed some work. I was feeling very shy right now. I knew Dagny didn’t quite understand the impact and depth of my words, but I sure as hell did.

           "Aww, Chase. That’s so nice. I’m really glad you’re here." She entwined our arms as we walked, a smile on her face. I mirrored it, stayed quiet as we walked up on her building. "Want to come in for a bit?" I nodded. Definitely. Dagny pulled out her keys and took us toward the back of the building’s first floor to grab her mail before we made our way upstairs. She looked through a pile of stuff, stopping on the Alumni Newsletter that was sent out to all graduates of the university. We made it to the bottom of the stairs when she stopped, I nearly running into her.

           "What are you doing?"

           "It’s Darrel," she said quietly, turning toward me. "They have his obituary in here." She showed me the page. A black and white picture was set next to it. I stared at Darrel, the man who had managed to get next to this incredible lady. He was very good looking, hair that looked to be brown or light brown, clean cut and well kept. He had light colored eyes, and a nice smile.

           "He was cute." I commented as I began to read. He had graduated from UA last year with a business degree with emphasis on foreign affairs. He was fluent in Japanese and had worked for a large corporation in San Diego where he was in line for a promotion. As I read all the things that Darrel had accomplished in his twenty-four years of life, I couldn’t help but think what a waste it was. He was so intelligent and driven, and there probably was no end to the things he would have done.

           "Come on." Dagny began to start up the stairs, and I silently followed. We reached her apartment, and she walked in only to head for the couch, flopping down hard.

           "You okay?" I sat down next to her, setting the newsletter on the coffee table. "Can I get you anything?" She shook her head. "Why don’t you tell me about him, Dag? Tell me what you liked about him, what you guys used to do. You know, talk about it." Dagny sighed, her shoulders slumping, but said nothing. "Come on, Dag. Talk to me. Please?"

           She looked so alone and vulnerable sitting there two feet away from me. I had the immediate sense that she needed to be touched, so I put my hand on the back of her neck, pulled her toward me. Within seconds, she fell over sideways and laid her head in my lap, tucking her hands up by her face, her legs curling.

           "Well, we met the first day of our freshman year here." She began, wiping at her eye. "He was so good looking and made me so nervous." She smiled at the memory. "I wasn’t really all that interested, worried about my studies. He would not leave me alone, and to make matters worse, we had some classes together." I smiled my understanding, bringing my hand to Dagny’s hair, running my fingers through it. "He kept asking and asking until finally I agreed to go out with him. He was so cute. On Christmas Eve he took me to dinner at this really expensive place. Oh, man did they have good steak." She smiled again.

           "What made you go with him?" She shrugged with a sigh.

           "I think mainly so he’d stop. I got so tired of being inundated with calls from him, he even went so far as to get his friends involved. I knew a few of them from classes, and they talked to me constantly about him. I was about ready to start opening fire." I laughed. "Anyway, he was a complete gentlemen, and my parents absolutely loved him. He was smart, driven, treated me like a queen."

           "Why did it break up?" I asked softly, staring down at Dagny’s profile as she laid in my lap, her soft hair tickling my fingers as brushed it back.

           "It wasn’t what I wanted. You know it’s funny." She turned to her back so she was staring up at me. "I have asked myself this so many times. I mean, don’t get me wrong, the guy wasn’t perfect, but he was a good guy. Why didn’t I try and make it work?" She took a deep breath, staring up at the ceiling. I stared down at her, studying her face and features. The delicacy of her astounded me, yet she had so much strength. "Money and success was so important to Darrel."

           "Why?"

           "It was how his father had made it. His father, Rob, is a heavy hitter in the business world, the type who has his finger in just every kind of pie you can think of. Darrel was on his way to being the same way. He was smart, sharp as a whip. He knew what would work and what would drop out. I think that’s why he called me again." She looked at me. "He thought that his success and money could get me to go to him."

           "That’s really sad," I said, stroking Dagny’s arm. She held her arm out straight to give me more access to it.

           "It is, but that’s what he knew. He was always so supportive of my undergrad degree, and my love for psychology, but when it came down to it and he was headed off for California, he could not understand my need to finish. He thought that I had my BS, so why did I need to go on? I could always find work out in California, after all, his father knew just about everyone, and could get me in some lucrative job." She shook her head. "Not for me. I want to get someplace in this world on my own." She sighed. "Life is interesting."

           "Yes it is." I ran my fingers through her hair again as I stared down at her, smiling back as she smiled up at me.

           "I remember Darrel used to take me to this little totally hole-in-the-wall café called Jillian’s. Man, this place was hard to find, and had the cheapest food you’ve ever seen. I’m talking like a dollar fifty for a hamburger."

           "Damn! I want to go." I laughed. She laughed with me.

           "God, he was such a wonderful listener. I really have to say, until you I had never met anyone who heard so much of what I said. We used to talk all the time. He was like no other guy I’d come across. You know, most feel the need to play the big, bad strong stud." She grinned. "Not Darrel. He was sweet and sensitive."

           "Why did you let him go, Dag? You sound like you really loved him." She drew her brows as she thought about that for a moment, sucking her bottom lip in to chew on it.

           "You know I really did. I loved Darrel very much, still do, actually. But I think the problem was I never was in love with him. It just wasn’t right for me. Sometimes I see myself as quite defective for it." She looked at me. "Do you think I am?"

           I shook my head vigorously. "God, no. It just wasn’t the right time or person for you, Dag. It happens, and it does not make you a bad person for it." She smiled, bringing her hand to my face to gently caress my cheek.

           "Thanks, Chase. What would I do without you?" She winked. "You may be right, but I still have to live with the guilt that I never apologized to him, was never totally honest with him, and now it’s too late." I saw tears forming in her eyes, and I leaned down to gather her head in my arms, holding her close, letting her know she wasn’t alone. She cried silent tears, her body shaking slightly with the sobs. I stroked her hair, whispering comforting words to her.

           Within a few moments Dagny had calmed, and was wiping at her nose. I reached across her to the coffee table and grabbed a Kleenex.

           "Here."

           "Thanks." She wiped her eyes and blew her nose, took a deep breath. I smiled at her.

           "You okay?"

           "Yeah. I’m sorry. I didn’t expect to react that way." She sat up to grab another Kleenex, wiping her face off.

           "Don’t you dare apologize, Dag. You do that anytime you want to." With a sigh she laid back down, her head in my lap again. I looked down at her. "Want a pillow?" She nodded with a smile. I grabbed the black throw pillow that sat next to me on the couch and put it under her head as she lifted it.

           "What do you look for in a relationship, Chase?" The question threw me for a moment, but I quickly recovered.

           "Well, I don’t know."

           "Oh come on. Tell me."

           "Okay. Well," I looked away, staring at the entertainment center across the room. I couldn’t dare look at Dagny as I answered this question. "I want someone who loves me for me, you know?" I felt her nod. "I want someone who can be fun yet serious, who listens to me when I talk and is willing to talk to me in turn." I glanced down at her, her eyes were on me. When she caught my gaze she smiled. I smiled back. "I want to be able to build a life with someone, have all the great things in life, a house, a dog and a pool table." She laughed. "You think I’m joking, but if whoever doesn’t like to play pool, I’m sorry, no sale."

           "Okay, okay. Each to his own. What else?"

           "Um, let’s see." I bit my lip as I stared up at the ceiling trying to think of all the things I’d ever wanted for myself. "I want someone who respects what I do, and may even enjoy it a little."

           "Like your music?" I looked down at her and nodded.

           "Or whatever else I decide to do."

           "Mm, I know what you mean. If you think I’m crazy for continuing on for my doctorate, deal with it."

           "And if you think I’m nuts for not wanting to go to college at all, it’s my choice." She smiled up at me.

           "We’re not bitter or anything, are we?" I grinned, shook my head.

           "No, not at all. What about you?"

           "What about me," she sighed. "Hmm. Well, I know I certainly don’t want to be my parents." I said nothing, just listened. I really knew nothing about her family. I had met them once when I had been a kid, but that was it. I definitely couldn’t pick them out in a lineup. "My parents love each other very, very deeply. They met in high school, the whole high school sweetheart thing. Been married forever."

           "Then what’s the problem?" I asked, confused.

           "My parents love each other very deeply, are still in love, but they didn’t have enough to go around." I looked at her, understanding hitting me. "I was a very mature kid, as I wasn’t really allowed to be a kid. My parents treated me as an equal once I was able to communicate and do for myself. I was bright and could figure things out on my own, so I didn’t really have to be helped out with things. My parents took full advantage of this, enrolling me in classes on the weekends since I was of school age. I loved the extra challenge, but had very little time with them, you know?" I nodded, sad for a young Dagny who didn’t understand. She looked so matter of fact about her childhood as she explained it to me.

           "Wow." I shook my head. So much about my friend was coming into focus.

           "I never had anyone else, Chase. That’s why I’ve always depended on me and only me. You accused me of not trusting you when I first heard Darrel died." She smiled, understanding filling her eyes. "I understood where you’d feel that way, but that wasn’t the case. I just really don’t know how to lean on someone else." I nodded. I got it now.

           "Do you think you’ll ever be able to learn? I mean, that would be pretty important in a relationship. People need to feel needed, Dag." She stared up into my face, studying my eyes, her gaze trailing down my nose to my mouth, then to my cheeks, and back to my eyes.

           "Yeah, it is important. It’s something that I think will come in time, it’ll come with ultimate trust." She sighed. "I do have to say, I also want the Norman Rockwell picture. I want kids and to be happy, and my career."

           "Sounds good." I grinned. I wished I’d be able to see her happiness unfold as time and life went on.

           "Oh, I nearly forgot to tell you." She sat up, running a hand through her hair. "I have a convention to go to that Levy invited me to. It lasts for two days, but, well, if you’d like to go I figure we could stay an extra day and sight see." I looked at her, stunned.

           "Um, yeah. When, where?"

           "It’s next weekend and it’s up at a little town near the Grand Canyon. Go figure, huh?" she grinned. "Have you ever been there?" I shook my head. "Chase! You live so close and you’ve never been?"

           "Yeah. Guess I just haven’t gotten around to it." I said, trying to hide my sadness. I would have gone years ago had my mother ever taken me with her.

           "Cool. There’s supposed to be some speaker coming in from the University of Washington. Her name is Jen something, Carlson?" She asked, sucking on the inside of her cheek as she thought. "I don’t remember for sure, but anyway, I figure you could either go with me and listen, too or just do your own thing until I’m done." She looked at me closely. "You interested?"

           "Definitely!" I was excited. I knew Greg would give me the time off, and my class didn’t start for anther week. "Actually, um, well is it possible for me to listen in?"

           "Absolutely!" she smiled, clapping her hands. "This will be so much fun."

 *  *  *

           I laughed as I pushed away from the bar, tray in hand. I had just talked to Greg about the upcoming trip, and he had been kind enough to give me the advice of not falling over the guardrail of the Grand Canyon.

           As I turned to head for the table that had ordered the Bud and a Grateful Dead, I nearly ran smack into Terrie. She smiled.

           "Hey."

           "Hi there. You nearly added a few more colors to that shirt you’ve got on, there." She looked down at the jigsaw puzzle pieces that littered her shirt, each one a different color. She grinned.

           "I wouldn’t have had to go home to change, at least."

           "This is true. What’s up?" She followed me as I headed for the table that the drinks belonged to.

           "Well, I came by to get a drink and see my favorite cocktail waitress." She grinned.

           "Call me that again and I’ll have to deck you." She laughed.

           "My deepest apologies." The drinks delivered, I held the tray to my chest with my arms crossed over it, and turned to the drummer. "So what’s this I hear you’ll be gone this weekend?"

           "Dagny invited me to a psychology convention with her this weekend. We’ll leave Friday and come back in late Monday night."

           "That sounds like fun." She crossed her arms over her chest, taking a defensive stance. What’s up with that?

           "Yeah, I’m looking forward to it. Get away a little bit, see the Grand Canyon. You know. I think it’ll be great."

           "I hope so. You know those types of things can be a real drag. Take it from me. In my job before, I had to go to these all the time. I hope you’re not bored out of your mind." She put her hand on my arm, moving in close to me. "I have to go. But you keep what I said in mind. If you get bored, give me a call." With a smile, she was gone.

 *  *  *

           The town of Domer, Arizona was small with a population of about ten thousand. I wondered why the convention was to be held here, and Dagny explained it was because it was a good mid point for the universities of Washington state and Illinois, which was the furthest coming. The rates to hold it were cheap, and the scenery beautiful.

           We pulled up to our motel, a quaint little place with a pool and hot tub. UA was only willing to pay for two rooms; one for Levy and one for Dagny, so we figured it would be stupid to spend the money for a second one. Dagny and I could easily share.

           The room was small, the double bed’s headboard against the center wall, a table with two small chairs to the left, and the bathroom to the right. A motel room was a motel room; not a whole lot of change there.

           "The first presentation starts at eight." Dagny said, sitting on the bed and reading the schedule that had been sent to her two weeks ago. "That lasts for about an hour or so then we have a getting to you know you kind of thing with refreshments in the main hall. Um, that lasts until ten, then another presentation that will take us till lunch, get an hour for lunch, then another presentation starts at one that lasts until four. Sunday is pretty much the same way." She looked up at me. "Are you going to be bored out of your mind, Chase?" She looked worried. I smiled, shook my head. I found it amusing that Dag and Terrie were thinking along the same lines. They really must think that I can’t entertain myself. I smiled internally at the thought.

           "No, I don’t think so. I’ve never been to anything like this, so I’m looking forward to it." I sat next to her on the bed.

           "Really? I hope so. I’d hate for you to wish you hadn’t come."

           "I wouldn’t worry about that. Besides, I’ve only had one class so far dealing with my major, so I may actually learn something."

           After getting settled in we decided to tour the town. That didn’t take long. Domer was actually a beautiful little place with a main street filled with nothing but local shops carrying everything from tobacco to clothing to swords. We walked along going into just about every store there was, stopping into a bakery for a hot cinnamon roll and something to drink. The old couple that owned the place and made everything from scratch, were some of the nicest people I had ever met.

           "So what are you two ladies doing around here? I’ve been here for over sixty-two years, and I know every living soul in Domer." The man said, leaning over one of the glass cases. "What’re your names?"

           "I’m Dagny and this is my friend Chase." The old man looked at Dagny for a moment, dressed in her loose-fit jeans and tee. He rubbed his chin.

           "I’d be willing to bet you was here for the convention this weekend." He looked at me. "Not so sure about you, though." We looked at each other and grinned.

           "Well, we’re both here for that."

           "Hm. You never can read people."

           "Do I look that delinquent?" I asked as we headed back out into the warm night. Dagny laughed.

           "I guess. Personally I think I look younger than you do, but each to his own."

 *  *  *

           I dressed in the only pair of khakis I owned, feeling stupid. I hated to dress up, but I knew this was not a casual affair. I puttered around the room, trying to get comfortable and loosen up. I wasn’t a big fan of large events with lots of people. I waited not so patiently for Dagny to finish up in the bathroom.

           A few minutes later the door opened, and Dagny stepped out. She looked gorgeous in a dark green skirt that reached to just above her knees and a sleeveless satin top that was a lighter green. She walked out into the bedroom, and all I could do was stare. Her hair was pinned up, a few strands falling around her face.

           Dagny stood in the doorway, looking at me. "What?" she asked, looking down at herself to see what was wrong. I couldn’t close my mouth. "Is something wrong? Am I stained somewhere?"

           "Uh, no. God, no. You just look so beautiful. That’s all," I finished softly. She took my breath away. Dagny smiled, walked toward me.

           "Thank you, Chase. You look beautiful yourself." She took in the black chinos and blue cotton button up shirt I wore, black Docs on my feet. "That shirt really brings out the color of your eyes." She looked up at me, staring into them. "I’m so glad you came with me. Thank you."

           "Anytime." I smiled, so did she. "Shall we?"

           The convention center was wall to wall people, and I felt like a child. Just about everyone in the room had some sort of sheepskin on their wall for some high-level psychology degree. Here I was, barely a sophomore in college, only having taken one psychology class in my entire life. Talk about small potatoes.

           "Come on." Dagny saw my distress and took me by the arm to the room where we were to see Jen Carlson presenting about the inner workings of the memory. I was excited, however. I was interested to hear what she had to say.

           Dagny found us two seats near the middle as the place was already filling up fast. The podium was set up at the front, a woman with dark hair standing at it looking over what I assumed were her notes. She was dressed in a nice suit, navy blue, the skirt reaching to just below her knees. Her hair was a bit below her shoulders, and as I watched she tucked some strands behind her ear.

           "That’s Jen Carlson." Dagny pointed out, leaning over to whisper in my ear. I nodded. "She’s fantastic. I read some of her works last year. She’s really into the memory, and has done numerous studies on it."

           "Wow. I won’t need to listen to this at all, now." I smiled; she smacked me playfully on the shoulder.

           "This year she published a paper on nature vs. nurture with homosexuality." I looked at her, this catching my attention. "Fascinating stuff, from what I’ve read, anyway."

           "Please be seated, everyone. I’m about to start." Jen took the microphone from its holder and began to walk around, looking at her audience, smiling at those sitting near the front. Within a few moments everyone had found their seats and were quiet. "Hello. My name is Jen Carlson and I’m pleased to be here. I must say, it’s a bit warmer than I’m used to back in Seattle." She smiled, and people in the audience chuckled. "So, let’s get started."

           I listened, completely fascinated by what our speaker had to say, my eyes and ears glued to her every word and exhibit. Dagny glanced over at me from time to time to make sure I wasn’t bored, and chuckled under her breath each time.

           "I’m so glad you’re enjoying this, Chase. I was worried," she whispered.

           "No need to be. She’s great," I whispered back.

           I was absolutely mesmerized by Jen Carlson, hanging on her every word. She even went into her newest research, the nature vs. nurture thing. I was amazed at the evidence she had gathered of the possibility of nature being more prevalent than nurture.

           I turned to Dagny, curious to see if she found this as interesting as I did. Of course, I had my own reasons. She was listening intently, almost as intently as I was.

           The first seminar was over, and it was time to head to the get to know you thing. Dagny and I made our way to a wall, trying to get out of the way of the rush of people getting out of different rooms with different speakers. You were allowed to choose where you wanted to go and who you wanted to listen to.

           "I can’t believe how many people turned up for this." Dagny smiled, turning to me, her back on the masses. "So what did you think of that?"

           "I thought she was fantastic," I gushed. "It was so interesting, and she was so intelligent and knew so much about her stuff. I especially liked what she had to say on young kids and their tendency toward homosexuality." Dagny cocked her head to the side.

           "Really? Why?" I shrugged. Step lightly, Chase.

           "I don’t know. It’s just something I’ve always wondered, I guess. You know,"

           "Mamma?"

           We both looked down to see a little guy tugging on Dagny’s hand. She turned to look down at him, and he recoiled, the confusion obvious.

           "Well, hello there, little man." She said, kneeling to his level. "Are you lost?" He nodded.

           "No you’re not." The boy was picked up and brought into a woman’s arms. The little boy looked at her, his face brightening like the sun through the clouds.

           "Mamma!"

           "I’m sorry." The woman looked at us, her green eyes smiling. I understood his confusion. Dagny and this woman resembled each other quite a bit. Close to the same color of hair, the woman’s a little lighter blonde, and a little shorter. She wore a green shirt and black pants. "Hi. I’m Joie, and this is Nathaniel. He normally doesn’t try and take everyone home to be his mother." She smiled at Dagny. "You should feel honored."

           "And I do. Hi." Dagny smiled, shaking the woman’s hand. "Hey, Nathaniel. You’re so cute I may have been tempted to take you home, you know." He smiled, bright blue eyes twinkling. He had blonde hair, a smidge darker than his mother’s, and he was dressed in a pair of tiny black dress pants and a white dress shirt with a yellow tie. "He is adorable." She smiled.

           "Thanks. Careful, though, he knows it already." We all laughed. Joie looked at me. "Hi."

           "Hello."

           "This is Chase." Dagny supplied when it was obvious I wasn’t going to say anything else. I was captivated by this woman, especially when Jen Carlson walked up to her.

           "Hey, honey." She kissed Joie soundly on the lips. Dagny and I stood, surprised. I had liked these two immediately before, but now, wow. The presenter turned to us.

           "Hi there."

           "These two were nice enough to find Nate, here."

           "Ah. I see. Sorry." Jen put her arm around Joie’s waist and took Nathaniel from her. As I looked from one to the other I realized that the boy was probably Jen’s son, and not Joie’s. But Nathaniel had called Joie ‘Mamma’... I was getting a headache.

           "You were great, babe." Joie said, picking a small piece of lint off of the speaker’s jacket.

           "Thank you." She smiled at her obvious mate.

           "Yes, incredible. I had to study your work on memory last year," Dagny said, looking at the woman with ultimate hero worship. Jen laughed.

           "Oh, I’m so sorry. That must have been awful." She grinned at me. I smiled shyly back.

           "No, no, it was very enjoyable. I did a paper on it, actually. Extremely informative." Jen smiled, obviously very pleased.

           "Would you two care to join us?" Jen looked from one of us to the other, indicated the hall where everyone was headed to eat.

           "Oh, yes."

           We found a table for four, and got Nathaniel settled in before the four adults began to talk. Dagny and Jen got lost in a world filled with psychology, theories and schools of thought. These things left Joie and I in the dust, so we started our own conversation.

           "No, Nathaniel is biologically Jenny’s, but he’s my boy." She looked with pride on her son, and he grinned at her, offering her his half-eaten doughnut. "Nope, you eat it, Natey." He laughed and stuck the entire thing in his mouth. She shook her head as she wiped his chin and face.

           "Are you in psychology, too?" I asked, taking a drink of my orange juice. She shook her head.

           "Nope. I wouldn’t have a clue about it, other than what I’ve learned from Jenny in the last eight years.

           "So, you guys have, um, been together that long?" I asked, curious beyond belief if these two were lovers.

           "Yup. We met during our junior year at the University of Washington. We played hockey together."

           "Hockey?" I smiled, not able to imagine Jen Carlson anywhere near a sport.

           "Oh, yeah. This one here was a force to be reckoned with." She indicated her lover with her thumb. "I now coach the hockey team up there, the Panthers. My girls are the best in college hockey today." Her smile was radiant. I couldn’t help but be jealous of their life. "So are you here just to be with your girl, there?"

           "Oh, well, um, we’re just friends, actually." She looked at me, the surprised evident in her eyes.

           "Oh. I’m sorry." She smiled. I shrugged.

           "It’s okay. She studied me for a moment, her brows drawn, then with a slightly cocky grin, punched my arm playfully.

           "Hang in there." She sipped from her juice. "So what do you do?"

           "I’m a student at UA, also. Just starting my second year."

           "What are you going into?" She took Nathaniel from his chair and heaved him into her lap. The boy tried to reach for everything that was in front of Joie; she absently stopped tiny hands from grabbing her breakfast, her juice, her wallet or sunglasses. I was absolutely charmed and amused.

           "Psych."

           "Ah, shit, am I keeping you from their conversation? I’m sorry."

           "Oh, no, no. I just started, kind of getting into it late, so don’t worry." I grinned. "I have no more of an idea what they’re talking about then you do." Joie grinned. I liked her.

           "What area do you think you want to go into?" she helped Nate sip from her glass, making sure the juice didn’t dribble down on his tie. "Jenny will kick my butt if he gets dirty," she mumbled. I chuckled.

           "To be honest, I really don’t know. I’m finding that I do enjoy children, though." I proceeded to tell her about my Thursday night jam sessions I did for Natalie, and how inspirational I found them.

           "That’s wonderful, Chase. Maybe you could go into hospitals or schools, or something. Kids and music go hand in hand. You really should try and keep both your passions together, you know? It makes things more interesting for you and who you’re working with."

           The visiting time came to an end and it was time to head into another session. Jenny and Joie had invited us to attend the cognitive learning presentation with them, and we had happily agreed. The couple walked in front of us, looking every bit the happy family. I found it amazing that they had been together for so long yet looked so happy and in love still. I couldn’t take my eyes off of them. Neither could Dagny.

 *  *  *

           The weekend conference went well, and I enjoyed every minute of it, especially spending time with Joie and Jenny. They were so interesting to me, and the fact that they were lesbian partners blew my mind. To see them together was amazing; they lived like nay other couple you’d think of. They obviously loved each other and their two-year-old son very much. They owned a house together, had a dog and a cat. No different. Huh, it could work.

           I had found it very interesting and strange that Dagny seemed almost obsessed with those two, especially Jenny. I mean, I understand that Jen did exactly what Dag wanted to do, but she couldn’t get enough of them, and the dynamics of their relationship.

           Monday afternoon we decided to head to the Grand Canyon, and I was so excited. We walked around, amazed and awed by the sheer size of it, trying to think of what could possibly have created such a huge monument to nature and her capabilities. I had seen my mom’s pictures from when she used to take her summer jaunts here, but no picture could ever get you ready for actually being here, seeing the depth of it, imagining what would happen if you were to fall in.

           We stopped in front of one of the rails and looked down into the canyon. Earlier we had stopped a couple and asked them to get a picture of both of us, standing in front of the rail, goofy smiles on our faces. That would be a good picture.

           "Turn around, Chase. I’ll get a picture of you," Dagny said, hurrying a good distance away, bringing up the disposable camera we had picked up before leaving Tucson. I posed, smiling, hopefully looking happy. I hated pictures and saw cameras as evil creations.

           "Your turn." I grinned evilly. Dagny handed me the camera with a smile, her fingers brushing against mine as the camera was passed. I took several of her, wanting to have this trip saved forever. I had had the most wonderful time with Dagny. She had cracked me up constantly with her comments on everything from the town to the speakers to the cloud formations. She seemed happy. That made me happy. Mostly. I was having the most intense dreams now. Almost every time I closed my eyes images came to play that left me breathless and sweaty when I woke. It was always Dagny, and she was always doing what I was yearning for more and more in the light of day.

           Dag turned to look out at the expanse of the canyon, and I walked up behind her. I felt guilty now when we touched, knowing what was behind my caresses, but I could not deny myself the guilty pleasure of the innocent touches. I hugged her from behind, resting my chin on her shoulder. She put her hands on my forearms and leaned back into me.

           "You know, when I was a kid my mom did a lot of amateur photography, and would come out here during her summer breaks. She always left me home, with the babysitter." I grinned, and Dag lightly slapped my arm. "I always used to ask if I could come. I wanted to see it, spend that time with her. She would tell me I was too young, so I stopped asking. As I got older, I still wanted to go, but she never offered to take me." I looked down at Dagny. "I’m glad my first time was with you." She didn’t say a word as she turned her head up and back and stared at me for a moment, then turned in the ring of my arms and hugged me, her head resting against my shoulder. I held her close, breathing in the smell and feel of her. Everyday it was getting harder and harder to be around her. My feelings were growing, and I didn’t know what to do with them or about them. Who was there to talk to? I was feeling more and more frustrated daily. I didn’t know what to do.

 *  *  *

           The drive back to Tucson was underway, Dagny pushing Freud along the roads, music playing on the radio. I looked over at her, her fishing hat in place. I told her earlier that she looked like all she needed was a pole with some bait. I had gotten a pinch for my observation.

           "I love my hat, so bite me." Tempting.

           I reached up and grabbed the brimmed hat, swiping it off her head.

           "Hey!" she batted at my hand blindly, trying to keep her eyes on the road. "Give me that back, woman."

           "Nope. You shouldn’t cover this." I ran my fingers through her hair, only to really dig in, ruffling it. She squealed in surprise. I stopped, not wanting her to crash and kill us, but could not stop laughing.

           "God that was too good!"

           "You’re evil, Chase Marin!" She laughed, trying to flatten her hair.

           "You have no idea."

           "Neither do you."

 *  *  *

           We had been back from the convention for a couple days, and I had to start getting ready for my upcoming class. I was looking forward to it, my curiosity piqued. Especially after meeting Joie and Jenny. I had met lots of Carrie’s friends, and her girlfriends over the years, but I never really took them that seriously. It seemed for them it was all about lust and rebelling. The couple at the convention were all about love and making a life together.

           Dagny talked about Jen Carlson often, and how much she respected her work and liked her as a person. I almost felt jealous of Jen, though I knew how stupid that was. I mean, Jenny was basically married, and Dagny, well, that wasn’t a problem there.

           I sat on my bed, back against the wall and stared up at the ceiling as I thought about her. Yesterday morning we had gone swimming, and I had turned to head toward the bathroom while Dagny took a shower to get all the chlorine off her body. The flimsy curtains do not close all the way, and I caught sight of her naked back, muscles moving under smooth skin as she washed herself, then she turned slightly, and I caught just the barest glimpse of her left breast, the nipple taut from the cold air and hot water.

           I felt like a pervert, and it was definitely not fair to Dag. I quickly hurried to the bathroom, squeezing my eyes shut tight as I locked myself into the stall. I tried to get my breathing under control as I saw it in my mind over and over again. I imagined my hands on that breast, touching that nipple, feeling the hardness of it.

           I swallowed as I felt stinging behind my eyes. Why did I have to be this way? Think this way? I just wanted to, hell, I didn’t know anymore. I didn’t know what I wanted, but did know that Dagny was in there somewhere.

           I took a deep breath as I sat in my dorm, all by myself. Night was falling quickly, and I needed to head out to work soon. I needed to calm myself as I could feel my pulse beating in my head, fast and hot. Every time Dagny touched me, which was often, I felt the sting of her fingers, like fire licking across my skin. God, help me.

           Dagny was to meet me at the bar as we had plans after my shift was over. I hurried back to the employee lounge where we kept our personal stuff and quickly untied my apron, exchanging it for my wallet. The bar was loud and rowdy as I headed out, dodging dancers and drunk people until one didn’t let me pass.

           "Hey, you." I saw that it was Terrie, and wasn’t too surprised. She had started hanging out here on a semi-regular basis.

           "Hi." I smiled. "Great rehearsal today."

           "Thanks. You, too. Want to join us?" I looked to see a table full of people staring at us. I shook my head.

           "No can do. Dagny’s supposed to be here any time." I ran a hand through my hair, knowing it smelled of smoke. The only thing I hated about working here.

           "Too bad." She put her hand on my back, turning me to introduce me to her friends. As she did so, her hand began to rub my back, slipping low to just above my ass. I wondered what was up with that. The strange thing was, I didn’t mind so much.

           I said my hellos and thank yous as people told me they loved the band, then felt like I was being watched. I turned to see Dagny standing about five feet away, and she didn’t look happy.

           "Hey!" I grinned from ear to ear. She smiled at me, giving Terrie a hard look. "I have to go. It was nice meeting all of you." I pulled away from Terrie and walked to my friend. Dagny’s eyes were still on the drummer, a look on her face like I’d never seen before. "You okay?" Startled out of her thoughts, she looked at me and nodded.

           "Yeah. Let’s get out of here."

           After a good pizza at Magpie’s, we headed back to Dagny’s place for some relaxing time. Neither of us were in the mood for a movie, so we planned to just sit back and shoot the shit.

           "So are you ready for your class to start?" Dag asked as she pulled into the parking lot of her building.

           "Oh, yeah. I’m looking forward to it."

           "What is it, anyway?" She pulled the parking break, and we got out. I had a bag with me of fresh clothes as Dagny always let me take a shower to get rid of the smells from Gotfry’s.

           "Oh, uh, English 273." I said, eyeing her. For some reason I felt strange talking about it, almost guilty. She drew her brows and glared at me.

           "You wanna tell me what that is?" she drawled.

           "Well, it’s a class on lesbian literature." She stopped, just shy of taking the first step up the stairs. She looked at me over her shoulder, her face unreadable.

           "Really?" I nodded. "What made you want to take that?" She began to ascend, I followed, enjoying the view in front of me.

           "Well, it just, I don’t know. It just looked interesting." I stammered. She didn’t seem to notice, or just didn’t say anything.

           "I thought about taking that at one point," she said absently. I looked at her, surprised. But then, when you’re as avid a reader as Dagny was, you’d read anything.

           I stepped out of the shower, feeling so much more alive then when I’d stepped in. As I dried myself off, the image from the other morning came back to me. I saw Dagny’s body again, so beautiful. I was getting hot allover again. I glanced down at the towel I was using to dry myself off, and realized that Dagny also used this towel, the soft material draping across her nakedness, worshiping the curves and soft skin.

           I squeezed my eyes shut as I held the towel to me, trying to calm myself. It didn’t seem to take much these days.

           I opened the bathroom door, dressed in a pair of sweat shorts and tank. Dagny was laid out across the couch, one leg hanging off, so I planned to sit on the matching chair.

           "No, come here." I looked at her as she scooted herself up a bit, more into a sitting position. She beckoned me to her, to sit between her legs. I did, leaning my back against her chest. She wrapped her arms around me as I laid my head back against her collar bone, and sighed. God, I could sleep like this. "Did you have a good shower?" I nodded.

           "Very good. Thank you."

           "What did you think of Jenny and Joie?" she asked, playing with the hem of my shirt, running it through her fingers.

           "I thought they were great. Very interesting. Especially Joie. She was so great with Nathaniel." I smiled at the memory of the little blonde boy, so obviously loved.

           "Yeah." Dagny smiled, too, laying her head against the side of mine. "I had no idea that Jen Carlson was gay. They made such an adorable couple, though. So happy. God, I’d love that." She sighed. "I think it’s great you’re taking that class, Chase. You’ll have to tell me all about it." I laughed.

           "Sure. Want to take it for me? Then I can sleep in." She chuckled, I could feel the rumbled against my back.

           "Yeah, right." She was quiet for a moment. "You know Terrie is after you, right?" I drew my brows, surprised buy the mention of my band mate’s name.

           "What?"

           "Yeah. She’s been after you for a while, I think." She laughed, moving her head away from mine, taking the intimacy of before with it. I said nothing. Could that be true? If so, how had I been so blind?

 *  *  *

           We were getting set up on stage at Gotfry’s for our performance, which I was looking forward to in particular. We had been back for a week now, and I was about to pull my hair out. Dagny touched me constantly it seemed, though I wondered how much of that was my imagination. I hated the fact that I could touch her any time I wanted to, but it meant nothing to her, for her. It was just me being an affectionate friend.

           "Hey, you. Ready for a rocking night?" I turned to see Terrie standing behind me, like right behind me. If I moved forward an inch we’d be touching.

           "Hell, yeah. I wish so bad that Greg would slip me a drink." I said with a grin. She raised an eyebrow.

           "Hold that thought." She hurried off the stage to the bar, leaning over it to talk with Greg. I needed a distraction, something to fuzz my head up for a bit. Melissa Etheridge’s song, I Want You came to mind often. "Here you go." I looked up to see the drummer standing next to me with a glass in her hand.

           "What is it?"

           "Tequila Sunrise."

           "Sounds good to me." I took it and downed the entire thing in two drinks.

           "Damn, girl!" Terrie smiled. "Got some problems there? If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were having some nasty frustrations." She leaned close to me. "If you need help, let me know." I looked at her, surprised as she walked to her drums, got herself situated, winking at me. I shook my head and turned toward the audience as I grabbed Than.

           "Hello, hello out there!" I could feel the alcohol already traveling through me. I had little tolerance anymore as I rarely drank now. But, on the upslope, my head was definitely fuzzy.

           We began the night hard, playing some of the classics from the sixties and seventies. The place was rocking and I was loving it. Doug and I did a duet again, then I was all on my own once again. It was beautiful, and helped to push Dagny out of my mind completely. She wasn’t here yet, having to work late tonight. She was going to try and make it for the second set. I almost felt free, like I could act and think however I really felt, not having to hide it or protect it because I was so afraid of Dagny seeing through me. I put my heart into my music tonight, wishing that somehow Dagny could hear it wherever she was.

           We finished out our first set, and I put Than on the guitar stand and headed straight for the bathroom. I wasn’t feeling well, and I needed some peace. Now that I worked at Gotfry’s, too I was well known all across the board, and couldn’t get away from people wanting to chat.

           I sat on the toilet, my head in my hands as I tried to relax. No one would bother me in the bathroom stall. I hoped. After sitting there for about ten minutes, I took a deep breath, ran my hands through my hair, and opened the door, startled to see Terrie standing there, leaning against the sink. She had her thumbs in her pockets, her head slightly cocked to the side, the slightest hint of a smile on her lips.

           "You okay?" She asked.

           "Yeah. I think so." I walked up next to her, turning on the cold water to splash my face.

           "Did that drink give a little too much punch?" she looked at my reflection in the mirror. I nodded with a grin. "Poor baby." She brought her hands up to my shoulder, and began to rub them, digging her thumbs into the tense muscle. I closed my eyes, nearly moaning. "Feels good, doesn’t it?" I nodded, my mouth open as my head fell back. Slowly I felt myself being turned, pushed gently until my back was against the wall. I opened my eyes to see Terrie standing in front of me, looking into my eyes. "Beautiful, beautiful Chase." She whispered. I said nothing, not sure what to do. She brought a hand up to brush the side of my face, her eyes following the trail of her fingers.

           I felt frozen to the spot, not sure what to feel. Should I leave? Yell at her? Be upset or sit back and enjoy? Part of me was needing touch so bad that I’d take it from Terrie, who was willing, even though I truly wanted and needed it from Dagny who I knew would never.

           "You’ve been so uptight and tense lately, Chase. I was very serious when I said I’d help you out." Terrie said, her voice soft and seductive. She leaned in close to me, breathing me in. I could feel the heat of her body, merely inches from mine, getting closer with every word.

           I could take her up on her offer, try to forget about Dagny in that way. Just be friends, good friends. I didn’t want to be friends. I felt a pressure in my hands that were against the wall, a pressure to reach up and push Terrie away, but I couldn’t get my body to respond. I was lost in the sensations.

           "Let me help you, hon." I opened my eyes to see Terrie’s face half an inch from mine, her warm breath against my mouth. She placed one hand on the wall next to my head, the other on my waist. "Let me," her voice trailed off as she moved in.

           Somewhere in the back of my mind I heard the bathroom door open, and felt I should look. This was not the place for this. But what really caught my attention was the sound of breath being sucked in.

           My eyes shifted from Terrie to the door. Dagny stood frozen, her hand still on the door. Her eyes were huge, mouth open. She had the strangest look on her face, like she wanted to cry, scream or laugh. She swallowed once, then without a word, she turned around and hurried out.

           "Dagny!" I pushed Terrie away from me, intending to follow.

           "Chase, what are you doing? Let her go,"

           I turned on the drummer like a vicious dog.

           "I can’t!" I calmed down for a second. "I love her. I’m in love with her." Terrie looked at me, struck dumb. She released my arm, looked down. Without another breath, I hurried out of the bathroom, running into the bar. I had to find her, had to talk to her and make it right.

           She was nowhere to be found. I burst out into the hot night air, just in time to see Freud’s tail lights disappear.

PARTS 10 and 11

           I RAN MY HANDS through my hair again, readjusting my body on the top stair where I sat. There was carpet on the stairs, but after sitting here for two hours, it seemed to disappear. Disappear, I thought of earlier again. God, how could I have been so stupid? But then, what did I have to feel bad about? I was so confused.

           I had left Gotfry’s right then and there, driving around for a bit, but ending up here, waiting for her. I had no idea where Dagny had gone, but I was getting worried. I glanced at my watch to see it was after midnight. I would give it another hour. We needed to talk. I needed to understand.

           Downstairs the door opened, I could barely hear it three flights above. Silence for a few minutes, then I heard the stairs squeak as someone ascended. I stared expectantly at the door to the third flight, waiting for the familiar figure, hoping I wouldn’t be disappointed, again. Dagny turned the corner, and stopped at the bottom of the third floor flight. She looked up at me, her face expressionless, then began to climb. I said nothing, nor did she. She passed by my little vigil, walked to her apartment door, the only noise was the lock as she inserted her key and turned it. I listened to see what she’d do next; would she say anything? I saw the light shine on the opposite wall when she flicked it on, then her silhouette as she passed under it. She had left the door open.

           I stood, my body screaming at me as I did so, headed for the apartment. Dagny stood in the middle of the room, her back to me, keys dangling from her hand before she finally tossed them to the coffee table. I watched her, not sure what she expected of me. I was filled with such mixed emotions, my stomach gurgling as the acids built and died only to build some more.

           "You had me worried, Dag," I finally said, finding my voice. She shrugged, turned her head so I could see her profile as she stared at the floor.

           "I drove around for a while, stopped in at a coffee shop." I could barely hear her. Please, turn around and look at me, Dag.

           "Why?" I asked when she said nothing more. I took a step toward her.

           "I needed to think, to clear my head." She took a deep breath, then turned, looking up at me with tired eyes. "I guess…I didn’t know, Chase. I should have seen it, I suppose." She looked down again, her hands fidgeting with each other.

           "Should have known what? Guessed what? What are you talking about?" I tried to catch her eyes, but she refused.

           "About you, you know, you liking, well. Anyway," she ran a hand through her hair, then looked up at me, fire in her eyes. "She’s wrong for you, Chase!" Taken aback by her vehemence, I felt the fire beginning to bubble to the surface. The fear had turned to sorrow, which had turned to worry, which had turned to fear again, which was quickly turning to anger.

           "How dare you tell me who is or isn’t right for me?" I pointed to myself. "You have no hold on me, Dagny!"

           "No I don’t, but she’ll fuck with your head, Chase!" Like the snap of a switch, Dagny was on. She was ready for battle.

           "Who gives a fuck? What business is it of yours what I do or who I fuck, if I so chose?"

           "I care!" she screamed. I was stunned, but quickly got myself together.

           "Why? It’s none of your business, Dagny. The fact that Terrie almost kissed me tonight, yeah, that was a mistake, but,"

           "You should have told me! I have a right to know!"

           "To know what? What gives you any right with me? We’re friends, Dag. We go out and we have a real good time, laugh and all that shit, but at the end of the day, it all boils down to we’re just friends!" I could feel the blood pounding in my head. I felt dizzy I was so angry. What did she care? What did it matter? I can’t have her, so why should she have any say in what I do? I could never have her! I wanted to scream into the night, but didn’t dare.

           "God damn, how do you think I felt when I opened that door to see that fucking slut all over you like flies on shit?" She took a step toward me, her voice lowering. "That woman makes me want to scream. I can’t stand the sight of her and to see her that close to you made me sick." Her voice and body language was dangerous, reminding me of a tigress, ready to pounce. "You deserve so much better, Chase."

           "Oh, yeah? And who have you come up with in your infinite wisdom, Dagny?" I spread my arms wide, palms to the Heavens. "Who!"

           She was silent for a moment, some of the tension draining from her body. "Someone else." She turned away from me, giving me her back.

           I tried to calm myself down, as well. I took a deep breath, releasing it slowly. "Dag, like I said, tonight was a disaster waiting to happen, and I’m glad it didn’t. There was never anything to tell you as far as Terrie is concerned." I chuckled ruefully. "I can’t even say she’s just a friend cause she’s not even really that."

           "Why didn’t you tell me about you?" She ran a hand through her hair, still facing away from me.

           "I don’t know. It wasn’t something I’ve been exactly hiding from you, Dag." I shrugged. "I didn’t know for sure, I’m still so confused." Dagny didn’t say anything, nor did she look at me. This was pointless. "I’m going to go."

           I turned, headed for the door. I sighed deeply as I reached for the doorknob when I heard footsteps coming up behind me.

           "Don’t," The whisper was right behind me. I closed my eyes, feeling Dagny’s presence surround me. "Please don’t go, Chase." Her voice was low, filled with sadness. I felt her hand on my back, sliding down and over to my arm. "Please?" I turned, looked into pleading eyes. "Stay?" I stared at her for a moment, amazed at how quickly the anger simmered down to nothing, gone as quickly as it had come. I nodded, she smiled weakly.

           Dagny leaned into me, wrapping her arms around me, and I did the same, pulling her to me tightly, wanting her so close, inside of me. I heard her sigh, and I did the same. God, that had been so close. I had been scared that our friendship was over with, it had gone too far. I breathed in her smell, the smell of her hair, her skin, her sweat and tears.

           I knew that it was impossible to get what I wanted, so I’d just have to try and be happy with what I had. She was in my life, and isn’t that what counted?

           I felt my relief stinging behind my eyes, and didn’t try to fight it. The tears slipped out from my closed lids, and I held Dagny tighter. How will I ever be able to let her go?

 *  *  *

           I laid in the dark, Dagny’s cheek against my neck as she slept. My arms were wrapped tightly around her body, hugging her to me. She adjusted her head a few times, still very much asleep. It had been an emotional night, and she had been beat. So was I, but I couldn’t shut my brain off.

           I thought about earlier, in the bathroom of Gotfry’s with Terrie. I had not had much time to think it over and dissect it. How had it happened, how far would I have let her go? She was not what I wanted, and I knew that, knew it then. I think my frustration over this situation with Dagny had driven me to new lows. And then there was what I had said to Terrie just before I’d ran out of the bathroom to follow Dagny-

           I love her. I’m in love with her.

           It had slipped out without a thought. I don’t think the admission surprised me so much as the timing. I was the type that usually thought things through, thought them to death, actually. In short I was a dweller. Those words had slipped out so effortlessly, requiring no thought at all. I did love Dagny, very deeply. But it went beyond that. I loved Carrie, too, and had even loved Mike. But Dagny had my heart, she had my soul and my mind. I was in love with her. How did that make me feel? That was the million dollar question right there.

           When you’re little and what your parents say means everything, that’s what kept coming back to me. Carrie had confided in me that she thought she liked girls as well as boys when we had been in early high school. I had been fine with that, being the open-minded person I was. Not sure where that came from as it didn’t exactly run in my family. My mother still did not know about half the crap Carrie had done and who she’d done it with. But I had been fine with it because I had been fine with my own sexuality. I liked boys for the most part, and I didn’t worry about it any further than that. So how did this happen?

           I really hated labels so I wasn’t about to stick one on my ass now.

           After the fight had ended nothing had been said. Dagny had just pulled me by the hand to her bedroom, and we both collapsed, emotionally drained. I had slept for a couple hours, but it was restless, dreams and nightmares waking me about twenty minutes ago. I had so much to think about and decide.

           What would happen to Dagny’s and my friendship? What if she suspected my true feelings for her? I’d try and hide them, do a performance worthy of the Oscar in order to keep her in my life. I could shut myself off, cut all ties with feelings so I wouldn’t scare her away. What would I do if she ever started dating anyone? That would hurt, but she had every right. Why should I keep her from happiness just because I was condemning myself to a life of loneliness.

 *  *  *

           I tried to squeeze my eyes shut to keep out the determined morning sun. I was losing fast, so decided to give up trying. I slowly opened an eye, turning away so my back was to the window, seeing little flashes of light behind my lids when I closed my eyes. That’s pleasant. Finally cranking both eyes open, I realized I was alone. What the? Did she never come home? Where is she? I began to panic in my half dream state when I heard the bedroom door softly close.

           With a sigh of relief, I took a deep breath. Within seconds I heard the shower start. All was well in the world. I hoped.

           I pulled my exhausted body out of the bed, running my hands through my hair. I wondered what the day would present to me today. How was Dagny doing? Feeling? It was such a creepy feeling to wake up to her gone. I found my jeans and boots from last night, and threw them on, finding one of Dagny’s brushes on the dresser. My hair was a mess, all over my head. Apparently I looked as bad as I felt.

           Put together I headed to the living room, figuring Dagny would want me to go. I sat on the couch for a moment, trying to get my thoughts and bearing together before I took off when the water shut off. I glanced at the closed bathroom door, not sure what to do. Should I be gone by time she gets out of there? Would she be mad? God, I hated this feeling of walking on pins and needles!

           The bathroom door opened and Dag walked out dressed in just a towel tied around her still wet body. Her hair was slicked back, and she looked directly at the bedroom door, saw that it was open, and began to scan the room until she saw me shrinking away on the couch. She smiled, the warmest smile I’ve ever seen.

           "Hey." Her voice was quiet, almost timid. I smiled.

           "Hi. Have a nice shower?" God, how lame. I stood, shoving my hands in my back pockets so she wouldn’t see them fidgeting nervously. I didn’t want her to know that I felt like I could throw up with uncertainty. Then to my surprise she hurried over to me, bare feet padding across the wood floor, and I was nearly bowled over by her massive hug. I took my cue and wrapped relieved arms around her, nearly breaking her ribs with the intensity of the embrace. When she groaned against my squeeze, I lightened up, grinning down at her.

           "Sorry." She raised a brow.

           "Trying to kill me or something?"

           "Uh, no. Just you know, well, I just wanted you closer, I guess." I stammered. Dagny smiled, running her hand down my arm.

           "Come on. I’ll get dressed, you get in the shower cause you smell like a damn smoke stack, and we’ll go get some breakfast. How does that sound?" I smiled so big it felt like my face would split. I got my old Dagny back.

           "You’re on."

 *  *  *

           Life began to get back to normal, and I had a lot of groveling to do to Greg who didn’t understand why I had taken off, and Doug who had to take over for me. As I explained to Greg that Dagny had gotten sick, and I had had to go take care of her, he had smiled at me like I was nuts. Yeah, so I lied to the guy. How could I tell him what had really happened?

           "Don’t let it happen again, Chase," he said, wiping out some freshly washed glasses. I nodded and went to watch the door, taking money from the cover charge. I hadn’t seen Terrie since that night and I really didn’t want to. I couldn’t quite put a finger on how I felt about her. I wasn’t angry, per se, maybe some embarrassment could be thrown into the pot. Hell, I didn’t know. I would find out soon as rehearsal was tomorrow.

           For tonight I sat in my dorm room, back against the wall and read Anaïs Nin’s House Of Incest. One thing I had to say about my Lesbian Literature class was we had to read some interesting stuff. I turned the page, just starting to get into it when the phone rang. Absently I picked up the cordless from the bed beside me and clicked it on.

           "Hello?" I muttered as I continued to read.

           "Hey, girl." I smiled.

           "Hey, Car. How goes it?" I put the book down to concentrate on my friend who I haven’t talked to all summer.

           "It goes well. I have been so busy. Oh my god, I got a job at this art supply store, right?"

           "Right,"

           "It’s like, oh man, artgasm! They have got some of the most incredible stuff there." I smiled, hearing the excitement in her voice. I hadn’t heard Carrie excited about much of anything since the rape. "My boss, Doyle, said that I could get whatever I needed for my classes this semester for a third of their cost. Isn’t that just awesome?"

           "Oh, Carrie, that’s fantastic!" I sat up, crossing my legs Indian style and leaning my elbows on them.

           "So, needless to say I’ll be all set. I plan to come back next week." I shut my mouth, my nutty friend answering the question before it even got out.

           "Awesome. We’ll have to celebrate." I smiled into the phone, glancing down at the book next to me, tracing the image on the cover.

           "Oh, I have a question to ask."

           "Shoot."

           "What do you wear on a date with a boring guy?" I drew my brows, nearly choking on the bottom lip I was chewing on.

           "What?"

           "Yeah, this guy called me and he wants to go out tomorrow."

           "Are you okay with that, Car?" I asked, my voice low with worry.

           "Yeah, I think so. I insisted we go to Conways, you know, where I worked all through high school? Everybody knows me there, so I’ll have all kinds of eyes on me."

           "Sounds smart. Who is he?"

           "Well, I don’t really want to say in case it doesn’t work, or something. I’m not even sure why I agreed, to be honest. I just think I’m lonely," she admitted softly.

           "Okay. I’m sure you’ll be fine, but be careful, okay?"

           "Yeah. So, what do I wear?"

           "Carrie, just how many boring guys do you think I’ve gone out with?" I was trying to mentally picture in my mind the clothes Carrie had in her closet, putting different outfits together.

           "I even thought about raiding my mom’s closet." I chuckled.

           "Well, if the angelic look is what you’re after, then go ahead. But, you’d burn in hell for it." I grinned, she laughed.

           "Bitch." I smiled.

           The conversation continued, and we finally managed to figure out something for her to wear and look decent without looking like a nun.

           I felt secure in knowing that Carrie was learning to be smarter and not so free and trusting. She promised me she would not drink at all tomorrow night, and she hadn’t touched pot in months. I hoped this "boring" guy could help her turn around.

           Carrie told me all about her summer adventures, going on vacation to Las Vegas with her parents, going out with some of the old gang we used to party with. She swore she stayed sober, but I can’t imagine that, especially when she felt so comfortable around them. Carrie and I were the only ones in our little conclave of friends who went on to college, and knew most of them were still heavy partiers. That made me so sad.

 *  *  *

           The rehearsal at Doug’s went well, though I had been very nervous as I drove up to his house. Terrie’s truck was already there, the engine still warm and ticking. I walked up the driveway between the parked cars of the other band members. Usually I was the first to arrive, but tonight I was last, putting it off as long as possible.

           "There she is." Doug grinned when he saw me, walking up to me to put an arm around my shoulders. "Where you been?" he asked in my ear as we walked into the garage.

           "Sorry. Had some stuff to do," I mumbled.

           "Is everything okay, Chase?" He took me to the side so we could talk alone for a moment. I nodded. "You sure? Did Terrie do something?" I glanced out to see the drummer laughing with our bassist, then tore my eyes away. "I told you to watch out for her, kid."

           "Yeah. It’s cool, Doug. Don’t worry about it. It won’t happen again." I smiled at him, letting him know I’d never leave the band high and dry during a performance again, but we both also read between the lines on that statement. I glanced at Terrie again, patted Doug on the arm, walked toward the practicing area.

           "It’s the missing singer. Welcome back, kid." I glared playfully at our keyboardist.

           "Yeah, bite me."

           "Ohhh, tempting." I flipped him off, everyone laughed. Including Terrie.

           "Hey." She said, walking up to me. I unzipped Than’s carrying case and took the guitar out.

           "Hey yourself."

           "Look, um, about last Friday," I looked at her, staring into nervous dark eyes. "Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize." She jutted her chin out defiantly, as if she was waiting for me to attack. I shook my head and shrugged.

           "It’s okay. No damage done." I smiled weakly.

           "Was your friend pissed?"

           "We worked it out. Don’t worry about it." I plugged the guitar into the amp.

           "Oh, I won’t. But if you still ever need anything," I shot a glare at her to see she was smiling.

           "Hag." She kicked off laughing, and so did I.

           "Thank you! Now go to the bar and spend some money." I grinned at my audience as I stepped away from the microphone, took my guitar strap off my body and headed to the bar myself. It had been a good session with a packed house. Greg was eating it up, the biggest smile on his face.

           "Here ya go, kid." He slid my ice cold water to me. "I tell you, I may make my million before I’m forty yet." He punched me lightly in the shoulder and walked off to help other customers. I leaned against the dark mahogany, downing half the glass when I saw Terrie’s eyes on something, her body almost rigid. She put her drum stick on the seat of the set, and headed off the stage, her eyes still glued. I looked in the direction as her gaze only for my own eyes to nearly pop out. She had her sights on Dagny who was standing talking to Paul. Oh, shit!

           I almost threw the mug on the bar as I hurried to try and intercept the drummer.

           "Terrie? What are you doing?" I put my hand on her shoulder, but she completely ignored me, hurrying by. "Terrie!"

           "Hey," She walked up behind Dagny, tapping my friend on the shoulder. Dag turned around, her eyes bulging then narrowing as she realized who it was. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. "I want to tell you something, Dagny. I don’t like you, never did like you, and chances are good I never will. But I want to tell you something about your friend there,"

           "Terrie! Stop it." I finally managed to reach them, trying to get between them. Nether woman budged, nearly body to body.

           "I won’t compete. You better open your damn eyes. You got me?" She stared Dagny down, my smaller friend standing her ground. I wanted to cheer.

           "Get the hell away from me, Terrie," she said, her voice a deadly calm. "Don’t ever get in my face again, and you leave my friend the hell alone." Dagny gave her the once over, then with a grimace, walked away. "Come on, Chase." She grabbed my arm, me too stunned to move. I glanced at Terrie to see her wink at me, then I turned to follow Dag outside.

           The night was already warm, but Dagny’s anger made it even hotter. She paced back and forth in front of me, hands balled into fists. I stood back, watching, not daring to get in her way.

           Finally Dag stopped pacing and turned to me. "What the hell crawled up that bitch’s ass? What did I ever do to her?" She began to pace again. "She doesn’t like me, never has, and oh no, probably never will." She laughed ruefully. "There’s a kicker. I really can’t stand that woman. She’s a bitch and a snake." She stopped again, walked over to me to slump against my shoulder. "Why, Chase? Why on earth did you let her get remotely close to you?" She playfully nudged me in the side, making me react as I was extremely ticklish. Dag looked at me, eyes wide with her new find.

           "Dag, no. No, please, ugh!" The wind was knocked out of me as she dug her fingers into my sides, my teeth clenched as I tried to fight the little shit off. "Uncle! Stop!" I was nearly crying through my laughter. Finally I got away from her, and looked at her, my body crouching as I got ready to pounce.

           "Chase, come on, now. You’re bigger than me, be kind, be kind, no!" She took off running as fast as her legs would carry her, which was pretty impressive considering I did have about four inches of height on her. I chased her to the end of the parking lot before catching her and digging my fingers into every ticklish inch of her body. "Truce!" she yelled out, making a dog bark down the street. I stopped, not able to wipe the grin off my face. She put her arm around my shoulder as we started back for the bar. "Oh," she began, still out of breath. "Paul told me he had a fantastic date the other night."

           "Oh, yeah?" I ran a hand through my hair, sweaty from the vigorous activity. "With who?"

           "I don’t know. He won’t say."

           "Huh. Good for him."

 *  *  *

           The summer began to fly by, and the new school year was getting closer and closer. Dagny and I had become inseparable. I stayed at her place most of the time, the couch my new best friend. Either she picked me up or I her after work or my class, and we’d head to her place or once in a while mine. I was fully entrenched in my literature class, now. The material we read was wonderful, definitely nothing I would have read otherwise. But then, that was usually the case with me and books.

           Dagny was getting things straightened out for the next semester. Her class load would be cut back slightly, but she would be doing more outside work with her degree, working at the University of Arizona Counseling Center under Dr. Bernard Fantine, as well as seeing clients on a part-time basis. She was looking forward to it as it would be getting her closer and closer to her profession, but it would be taking a lot out of her, and we would have much less time together. I dreaded that.

           We were having a quiet night in Dagny’s apartment, both of us had our own books to read as we stretched out on the couch. We had just finished off a fantastic dinner of chicken breast and rice with peas that Dag whipped together, and now it was time to relax.

           In my lit class we had started on the poetry section, so I was reading Warrior at Rest by Jane Chambers. I was enjoying the poems very much, able to relate to many of them.

           "What are you reading?" Dagny asked, changing position so that her head was laying in my lap. I looked down at her.

           "Comfy?"

           "Yes, very." She grinned. I showed her the book, and watched for her reaction. "Is this for your class?" I nodded. "Read to me?" She looked up at me with pleading eyes.

           "This is lesbian poetry, Dag," I warned.

           "So? I told you I had wanted to take that class. I’ll take it vicariously through you." I shook my head with a grin and began to read, my voice soft and steady as I read through the stanzas of thought and experiences and ideas. I could feel Dag’s eyes on me, like electric heat shooting from those eyes. As I read the author’s words, my mind began to wander. It felt so wonderful to have Dagny so close, just a breath away. If I really wanted to torture myself, which I did often, I could almost think of our friendship like a relationship. She was my best friend, my confidante, my teacher and sometimes my student. We shared space and time, often putting our ideas and money together to have fun. We had it all, except one thing. Well, two. The other thing was Dag’s heart.

           June was long gone, and July was half over. My English 273 was finished, and I looked forward to the new semester, new classes centered around my interest. Carrie and I spent a lot of time together, and I was beginning to notice a change in her, a good change. She was becoming more serious about school, actually buying her books this time. The clothes had started to cover more, the make-up covering less. She still had a ways to go, but I was so pleased with the progress now.

           "What has happened to you?" I asked as we stood in line to see a movie. She looked at me with a secretive grin. "Come on, Car. Talk to me."

           "It’s nothing. I just, I need to try this on my own first, Chase." She looked at me, her eyes serious, searching mine for understanding. "Please? I don’t mean to shut you out or not be honest with you, but for the first time in my life there may be something to it, and I’m just afraid of fucking it up." I studied her for a moment, then it dawned on me.

           "It’s a guy, isn’t it?" She nodded. "Will I not approve, or something? Is that why you won’t tell me about him?" Despite all of her explanations, there was a part of me that was hurt.

           "No. That’s the funny thing. I think you’ll approve a little too much." She smiled ruefully. My brows drew.

           "Boring guy?" She nodded "Holy shit." I smiled a mile wide. The line moved up, and we moved with it, my mind still trying to process this. "How the hell did boring guy manage to tame you, Car?" She laughed.

           "Oh, I wouldn’t say I’m tamed. That’ll never happen, Chase you know that." I grinned.

           "How did he do it?"

           "He takes me seriously." She looked down, her face filled with pain. Finally she looked up and met my gaze. "He listens to what I have to say and doesn’t laugh or make fun of me. Plus, he’s cute, and we have the most fun. Completely sober! Who would have thought?" She nudged me with her shoulder, grinned.

           "Yeah. No kidding. But, I do understand." I couldn’t keep the dumb ass smile off my face.

           "So, what’s the deal with you and Dagny, anyway?" She gave the guy her money for the movie, and I handed her mine to give to him also. Tickets in hand, we headed for the concession stand.

           "She’s just my friend." I said, my voice a little sharp. Carrie stopped, looking at me as if trying to read me.

           "What’s up with that, Chase? What’s going on? I rarely see you now, if I do you’re usually talking about her. Now, don’t get me wrong, I like her. And I still think she’s hotter then hell." She grinned and winked. I thought for a moment. This was as close to a heart to heart as Carrie and I had gotten in a long time, and I felt she deserved to know the truth. At least part of it.

           "I don’t know, Car. I think that maybe my feelings for Dag run a little deep." I looked at her to see if she was catching my meaning. She looked perplexed. Damn, I didn’t want to have to spell it out. "They go beyond friendship." Carrie’s eyes jerked to mine, open wide with surprise.

           "No way, really?" I nodded. "Wow." She turned to the expectant girl standing behind the counter. We ordered drinks and candy for our movie, and headed into the theater. "Does she know?"

           "No! And I don’t want her to, Carrie. Promise me?" She nodded.

           "Oh, yeah. Definitely." We found two seats, and Carrie’s feet went right to the seat in front of her. "What are you going to do?"

           "What can I do? I’ll just get over it." I opened my box of Junior Mints, popping two into my mouth.

           "You know, this doesn’t surprise me, really." Carrie opened her box of Sour Patch Kids. "I’ve always wondered about you, Chase. You know what they say, birds of a feather flock together."

           "Yeah, thanks, Car. That’s going to do me a lot of good right now."

           "I’m sorry, Chase." She covered my hand with hers. "I’m here for you, okay?" She turned and took me in a hug. "It’ll be okay, Chase. I promise."

 *  *  *

           The next few weeks flew by quickly, Carrie spending a lot of time with Dagny and I. We were set to meet with her lawyer at the end of July, which was in a few days, and I could tell it was starting to get to my friend. She was starting to get quiet and withdrawn, and I was worried. Dagny kept telling me that it was natural and to give her time. Once the legalities of it were over with, Carrie would be through with it forever, and could just concentrate on moving on.

           Dag and I were in her apartment playing a game of chess on the floor when Dag’s phone rang. The pawn she was about to move in hand, she hurried to the phone that we’d left in the kitchen.

           "Hello? Hey, Carrie. What’s up?" She smiled into the receiver as she walked back into the room to sit cross-legged in front of me again. She put her hand over the speaker and looked at me. "Carrie wants to meet us at," She took her hand off the phone, "at where? Cafe Paraiso? At, okay." She covered the phone again. "At eight." I nodded. "Sure, we’re there. Kay, bye." Dag tossed the phone to the couch. "Well, that’s interesting."

           "Yeah. I wonder what’s up. She never goes there." I checked my watch. "We’ve got about an hour. And, I was in the process of kicking your ass, so if you’d be so kind as to put that pawn down so I can liberate him from you." I grinned, cocky to the core. Don’t even try to beat me at chess cause it just ain’t going to happen. She stuck her tongue out and looked down at the board to see what her next move would be.

           Dressed casually, Dagny and I headed out toward campus to meet my friend. It was a beautiful night out. We decided to walk to the café, breathing the fresh air in deep lungfuls.

           "God, it’s gorgeous out." Dagny lifted her face to the sky, her eyes closed and a smile on her face. I watched her. I had the urge to stop our walk, take her face in my hands and just stare into her eyes before I kissed her. I clenched my fists as I walked. I had been fairly successful at keeping these kinds of thoughts at bay, but certain times, in certain situations where Dag would catch me all over again, it could be agony. Like right now. I decided to try and send my thoughts north to my brain.

           "So this was a bit odd of Carrie."

           "Yeah, it does seem odd." Dagny smiled at me, brought her arm up to entwine it with mine. I smiled, loving the contact of her warm skin.

           "Who knows."

           We reached the little café finally, and I saw Carrie right away. She was sitting at an outdoor table, facing us having a very animated conversation with someone, his back to us. She looked good, wearing a summer dress with spaghetti straps and sandals. Her hair was pulled back and up, her make-up mild, just the touch of fire engine red lipstick to show her unshaken defiance. She saw us over her companion’s head, and waved with a huge smile. I grinned back, Dagny waving. My eyes went directly to the guy who had yet to turn around. He wore what looked to be a white tee shirt and cargo shorts, his feet were in Tevas. I thought he looked familiar, but couldn’t place him, his dark hair combed back neatly, cut short around his ears.

           "Hey, Car. What’s up?" Dagny and I sat in the two empty chairs, facing each other. I turned to the guy to see Dag’s friend, Paul. "You?" He grinned, nodding. I turned to my friend. "This is boring guy?" Carrie turned bright red, nearly matching her hair. I heard Dagny chuckle, Paul looking confused. I felt really stupid. "Uh, sorry, Paul." He smiled, shaking his head and putting his hands up.

           "Hey, doesn’t bother me."

           "I can’t believe you said that," Carrie muttered between clenched teeth.

           "I’m sorry. It just came out," I muttered back.

           "Anyway, this is Paul, as you both know. And um, well, we’re kind of together." She smiled at him in the sweetest way. I looked from one to the other then back to Dagny. Her eyes were already on me. She had a strange look on her face, but it disappeared as soon as she noticed I was looking at her. She smiled, nodded her approval of the pairing. I looked back to my friend.

           "We didn’t tell you guys before cause we wanted to make sure, you know?" Carrie looked at me and Dagny, then at me. She was looking at me with hope in her eyes. I smiled, communicating with her through that look. I was thrilled. From what I had heard Paul was a great guy, and may be just what she needed.

           "I think it’s fantastic, guys." I smiled at Paul. He was beaming at his new lady love. I heard Carrie actually let out a breath of relief, and I squeezed her hand under the table.

           As we talked with the couple, I began to think, being honest with myself, how fair was it that Carrie, who had lived wild and out of control since she was fifteen, had found her happiness? Here was me, trying to do good for myself, doing what was asked of me, and my happiness eludes me? Well, actually my happiness sat right across from me, but was unattainable.

           I felt a hand on my knee under the table and turned to see Carrie smiling at me, understanding in her eyes. She patted me, and joined the conversation that Dagny was having with Paul about school starting up soon.

           Paul was a wonderful guy and a great conversationalist. He knew a little about everything and was interesting. He was completely opposite the idiots that Carrie had dated in the past, and I didn’t understand even though Carrie had explained it to me. I guess it was just one of those things that I would push to keep up and going. She needed some steady guidance in life, and Paul seemed to be settled on his path and secure in himself. I trusted him.

 *  *  *

           The law offices of Ronald McDivitt were nice, with plush carpeting and expensive furniture. I wondered what Carrie’s folks were paying this guy. Dagny and I sat on the couch, Paul and Carrie huddled on the love seat. He held her hands, trying to get her calmed a bit. Today Dagny and I were to talk with the lawyer about what we had seen that night, Carrie and the guy on the park bench.

           Dagny had her arm on the back of the couch, her hand on my shoulder as I was also pretty tense. I had been dreading this, not wanting to have to go back to that night. We had talked about it a lot lately, trying to jog both our memories, as it had happened nearly eight months ago.

           My leg was tapping up and down to get rid of some of my nervous energy. Dagny put her hand on my knee.

           "Chase, hon, you’re making the entire couch vibrate." She grinned at me, understanding on her face. "This will be over soon, and that bastard will be taken care of." She caressed my lower thigh through the material of my khakis. I looked at her, stilling my leg.

           "Sorry. I hope so." I looked over at my friend to see that she had her head on Paul’s shoulder. I was glad she had him, but at the same time, that would have been my shoulder. I missed her not coming to me, now. I knew it was selfish, but she had never taken anyone she dated serious enough to lean on. It was a strange feeling; my baby was growing up.

           Ten minutes later McDivitt’s secretary called us in one by one to Ronald’s office, giving a statement of what we had witnessed. It was hard relaying the information. It wasn’t that I had seen something that was so horrible, it was a matter of if I had stopped and taken Carrie home with me it would never have happened. That bastard had violated her within two hours of when we had seen her. That was a guilt I would always have to live with.

           When I walked in I couldn’t help but ask if he was the same guy who had so many damn commercials on TV. When he said it was him, I told him that they drove me nuts, and could he please take them off the air. He laughed heartily and told me to sit down and shut up.

           Finished, I was shaken as I left the lawyer’s office. He had been kind but efficient in his work, asking good, detailed questions. I felt confident in what I had said, descriptions, etc. I had also told him about the time that bastard had been in Carrie’s dorm, so had a terrific up-close view of him to know it was the same guy.

           I felt numb as I walked out of the office, Dagny going in next. We passed each other on the way, and she grabbed my hand giving it a quick squeeze of comfort before releasing it and heading into the office.

           Carrie and Paul were nowhere to be found. I wondered where they had gone, considering Carrie had gone in to talk with McDivitt first. The door to the lawyer’s space opened, and Paul stuck his head in. He scanned the room, stopping when he saw me.

           "Chase, can you come here, please?" He sounded rattled. I hurried out to the hall where Carrie was curled up on the floor, crying. "I can’t get her calmed down. I don’t know what to do," he said, his hands in the pockets of his cargo shorts. I knelt down next to my friend, gathering her in my arms.

           "Car, listen, I’m here, Carrie. Come here." At the sound of my voice she looked at me, and lunged into my arms, nearly knocking me over backward. I held and rocked her as she cried.

           "I was doing fine, Chase. I had gotten over it, you know? Ron showed me a picture of him to make sure it was him, and I saw it all over again. The look on his face as he pushed me to the ground, I heard the sound of my clothes ripping. All over again, god I don’t want to have to go through it again."

           "Shh, I know, Car. I know. It’s almost over. The trial is in a month, then it’ll all be behind you. I promise you, okay? They’ll put that son of a bitch away for a long time. Okay?" She had calmed considerably, beginning to take deep breaths, wiping at her eyes.

           "You okay, Carrie?" Paul sounded like a lost little boy as he knelt down next to us, his hand on her arm, rubbing the skin gently. He looked at me, and our eyes met. I nodded to try and assure him she was okay. He looked back at his girlfriend, licking his lips as he decided what to do.

           Carrie told me she had told Paul about the rape a few days ago and he had been wonderful, patient and kind as he held her, listened to every gruesome detail. I gently nudged her away from me and to the arms of Paul. That’s where she should be now. Paul looked at me as he took her in his arms, surprise in his eyes. I smiled, he smiled back.

           Dagny and I snuggled together on her couch that night, the TV unwatched in the background. I laid between her legs my back to her front as I stared up at the ceiling.

           "I should have done something, Dag. Even if it was just hunting the guy down and chopping off his dick. I just feel responsible somehow. I mean, we saw them, Dag." I turned enough to see her face. "Right?" She nodded.

           "I know, Chase. Sometimes I think about that, too. We were right there. But you know she’s okay. This was a horrible thing, Chase, but Carrie has learned a harsh lesson because of it. Remember, life is filled with lessons. My mom always told me that."

           We both started with a knock on the door. I sat up.

           "Pizza’s here."

           "Get my wallet off the TV. I have a twenty." I grabbed it, opened it up to get the money. Dagny’s driver’s license picture smiled at me. I grinned.

           "Nice mug shot, Dag." I showed her the picture. She rolled her eyes.

           "Yeah, yeah. So I can’t take a picture to save my life. I have never in all my twenty-four years seen a good driver’s license picture."

           "You haven’t seen mine." I went to the door, gave the guy the money and took the pizza. When I went to stick the money back into the money pouch, I saw the birth date on the license. My brows drew. "Dag, why didn’t you tell me your birthday is in a month?" I looked up at her. She shrugged.

           "Guess I didn’t think about it." She took the pizza to the kitchen to grab plates and napkins. I followed her.

           "You didn’t think about it? What, do you not celebrate birthdays or something?" I grinned, closing the wallet and tossing it onto the counter.

           "Nope." I looked at her, surprised.

           "Why?"

           "My parents stopped doing anything for that years ago, Chase. My mom will call, but that’s about it. Here." I took the plate she offered.

           "Thanks. That’s so fucked up." I was angry. How could anyone not celebrate the birth of their child?

           "Yeah, well that’s just the way it is." She took out two slices for herself, grabbed the parmesan cheese from the refrigerator. "My mom was gone a lot with my dad since it’s at the end of the summer. It’s just not that important." I listened to what she said about it, but I sensed she wasn’t telling the whole truth, that she was in fact bothered, but just too damn proud to admit it. That’s okay. The wheels in my head were already turning.

 *  *  *

           Summer was ending, and the weather was cooling off a bit, the monsoon season tapering off to nothing. I loved the night air, cool but nowhere near cold. It was perfect walking weather, and Dagny and I took advantage of that often.

           School was to start in a week and a half, and some students were coming back to start moving into their dorms and prepare. I was given my dorm for the semester and was glad to see Carrie’s was in the same building this year. We decided before coming to college that we wouldn’t be roommates as we knew nothing would get done.

           She lived on a co-ed floor, of course, so she could have Paul up whenever she wanted to. I asked her if they were having sex already, and she said no, but it was getting close to that point. Now, I am no prude, but I did worry about her.

           It was amusing. As I walked the floor of my dorm, there were all these double-bunked female-only dorms. My entire way of thinking had changed over the last few months, and I wondered how many of those roommates were or would be lovers. Whenever I saw two women walking down the street together, yet again I’m wondering. I laughed about it often, thinking what a pervert I must be.

           Dagny was helping me set up my dorm, making sure we left plenty of space for Natalie when she came in a few days. I had enjoyed having my own space in the single dorm over the summer, but at the same time, I had missed her. I wondered if she would be doing the bible study thing again this semester.

           "Tell me you are not going to put this back up?" I turned from hooking up my computer to see Dag looking at me over her shoulder, a tattered poster of two Hostess Twinkies posing against a fence. Their faces were drawn on with magic marker, their smiles made from the very cream that filled their bodies.

           "Well, yeah. I’ve had that since I was twelve."

           "And it shows. Come on, Chase. This belongs in, I don’t know what."

           I stood from the desk and walked over to her, taking the poster out of her hands. I held it out from me, looking at it with amusement. It was in horrible shape and I had been thinking of trashing it, but I’d hang it just out of principle, now. I stuck some poster gum to the back, and stuck it above my bed. Dagny shook her head and started on another box.

           "You know the other day Greg had me go pick up a shipment of Corona for him, and as I headed out I passed that little place you talked about. Jillian’s?" I looked at her briefly before turning back to my computer.

           "Uh huh," she said distractedly as she hung clothes in the closet.

           "Would you ever go back there?" I snuck a glance at her. She stopped what she was doing for a moment, thinking.

           "Well, I’d say yes. I don’t believe in dwelling on things and having places or people mean bad things, you know?" she looked at me, I nodded. "So I think so just to get new memories of the place, and relive the good ones I had with Darrel."

           "Makes sense."

           "God, I haven’t been to that place in about two years." She smiled with the memory. "We had so much fun there. There was this woman who worked there named Marty who was a hoot." She shook her head. "She used to flirt with Darrel incessantly just to make him blush. Now, he wasn’t the kind of person who was shy or felt threatened or shy about a flirt. So she had some gift."

           As I listened, I realized it was really, really hard for me to hear. She was a bigger person than I because Darrel was definitely starting to take on negative connotations for me. I was sad the guy had died for sure, but I hated the fact that he had been such a large part of Dagny’s life for so long. I hated the jealous streak that ran through me sometimes, but since Dag was so out of my grasp, I couldn’t help but feel insecure about it. I sighed.

           "How’s my bestest friend in the whole wide world?" I was surprised to feel arms come around my neck, warmth along the back of my head and upper back. I reveled in the hug, and leaned back into it.

           "She is fine. And yourself?"

           "Can’t complain." She set her chin on top of my head. "I got a call from my mom yesterday."

           "Really?" I pulled away, turned to look at her, taking her arm in my hands, rubbing and massaging it. She nodded.

           "Yup. She’s coming up to Tucson for Thanksgiving."

           "Really? Oh, Dag, that’s great!" It had been over a year and a half since Dagny had seen her mom, and longer for her father. "But she’s still going to my father for Christmas." She looked down briefly, then smiled at me, but I could tell it was forced.

           "I’m sorry." I brushed some stray hair away from her face. She shrugged.

           "What can you do? I can just go to your house." She winked.

           "Yes, you can." I brightened immediately.

           "Chase, I was kidding." She pulled away to continue unpacking my junk.

           "Well I’m not. My parents loved having you there last year, and my sister won’t be here. She’s going to Todd’s family in Oregon."

           "Wow. How’s your mom dealing with that?" Dagny began folding clothes she was taking from a box.

           "Are you kidding? Her little perfect angel is going to be gone and she’ll just be left with the oops child."

           "Chase," Dagny looked at me from under her bangs, her voice full of warning. "That’s not true." I shrugged.

           "Either way, I won’t be Carla."

           "I really hate the fact that you feel this way." Dagny walked back over to me, standing over me, running her hands through my hair.

           "So do I, but that’s just life."

           Sometimes it amazed me just how much alike Dagny and I really were, the things we had to deal with. I had never felt closer to anyone.

 *  *  *

           The month marched on, the trial finally arriving. Carrie did well on the stand, managing to hold it together, and Dagny and I both testified as planned. Paul was always there, never leaving Carrie’s side. Looking across the court room at that bastard that sat so smugly at the defendant’s table made me sick. He was a slimy little man, and I had so many things flash through my mind of what I wanted to do to him.

           When the verdict was read that he was guilty, we were thrilled, but his sentence was pathetic. He would receive five years in prison with ninety days probation at the end. I looked over at Ronald McDivitt staring down at his legal pad, writing something. He didn’t look happy.

           This made me turn to my friend. Carrie was looking around, what for I wasn’t sure. I think she was just trying to think about it, but I knew it would hit her later. Paul would have some interesting stuff on his hands to deal with. I felt for him. I could hear Carrie’s mom crying in the seats behind Dagny and I.

           "How did it go?" Natalie asked when I opened the door to our room. She was putting some new posters up on her side of the room, a roll of tape in her mouth. I shrugged, flopping down on the bed.

           "The guy got a slap on the wrist. I mean, he did get time, but I doubt he’ll serve much of it." I watched her, her Got Biology poster going up next. Natalie had chopped her hair over the summer and had highlighted it, which had surprised me when she’d walked through the door last week. She looked good, but different.

           Every summer my roommate went to a retreat with her parents, this year being her first to actually teach some classes herself to kids ten years old and younger.

           "That’s really too bad." Natalie sat on her bed across from me, her hand on my knee. "At least it’s over, Chase. Think of the positive."

           "Yeah, I guess so. I don’t think Carrie is doing too well. Her lawyer asked her what she wanted to do and she told him to leave it alone, it didn’t matter anymore. I think she had it in her head that this son of a bitch would be put away forever. The justice system is just so fucked up."

           "Yes, it is. I’ll keep her in my prayers."

 *  *  *

           "Okay, now you have to keep your eyes shut, Dag, or I’ll staple them shut."

           "They’re shut, they’re shut. I only saw which highway we were on, jeez." I grinned, turning the wheel in the opposite direction. I knew she would peek, so I had taken off the wrong way on purpose. I had called ahead of time, and the staff had remembered Dagny well, sorry to hear about Darrel’s death. We had discussed what I wanted done for Dagny, and they had happily agreed to help out. Greg had been a godsend, me saving nearly every dime I made since I had found out about Dag’s birthday.

           The scenery flew by, and Dagny sat in the passenger seat of my little black car affectionately named after my favorite character in a musical, Phantom. Dagny had laughed at my explanation for the name. Not only was Phantom of the Opera my favorite musical, but the car was black and had two white hubcaps on the front tires serving as the mask to make my Phantom complete. The originals had been thrown off in a little fender bender I had the first day I got the car.

           "You’re a nut," Dagny had said after I had told her this tale.

           "Yeah, and?"

           As I glanced over at my friend now, I was amazed that she was twenty-five today. I used to think of that as so old, even though it was just six years older than me. But, Dagny had taught me that age is a state of mind. You can be old and used up at nineteen, or young and vibrant at ninety.

           "Okay, we’re almost there." I pulled into the parking lot, mine the only one there as I had rented the place out for two hours. A huge banner was strung across the front that was colorful, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAGNY printed in different colored letters surrounded with confetti and balloons. I hoped she’d like it. I pulled the car to a stop and got out, hurrying to the passenger side to help her out. I took her hand, closing the door behind her.

           "Can I look yet?"

           "Nope." I knew this was torture on her as she hated to be out of control. I led her to the front door, which was opened by Marty who had a mischievous smile on her face. She mouthed a hello to me, and I smiled with a little wave.

           The inside of the café had been transformed into a birthday toy land. Inflatable birthday candles the size of small children were strung up everywhere as well as colorful streamers. A table was decorated with confetti and coned birthday hats with the rubber band straps and noisemakers. A birthday cake sat on the counter, a picture of Dagny decorated the center of it, made out of rice paper. Her smiling face looked radiant against the purple frosting, purple being Dag’s favorite color.

           Dagny was taking deep breaths, smelling the air.

           "Smells familiar. Are we in Magpie’s?"

           "Nope." Her brows drew as she concentrated. The staff of three, the cook and two waitresses, stood behind the bar-like counter, smiling wildly. "Are you ready?"

           "Yes," She began to bounce, her excitement and curiosity reaching a new level. I tuned and spied the juke box in the corner.

           "Oh, hang on."

           "Come on, Chase!" I hurried over to it, looking at the selection when I found it. "Bridge Over Troubled Water" by Simon & Garfunkel. I slipped my quarters into the slot and pushed play, then hurried back to my friend.

           "Open your eyes." Without further delay green eyes opened to look around. She knew instantly where she was, and her mouth fell open.

           "Oh, Chase." She looked at the counter. "Marty! You’re still here?" The waitress came out from around it and gave Dag a huge hug.

           "Happy birthday, hon," she said, patting Dagny’s back.

           "Rick and Mary. My god you guys are loyal." She laughed as she hugged the other two. Then she turned to me, wagging her finger at me. "You," she smiled, grabbing me into a warm, full hug, laying her head on my shoulder. "Thank you, Chase."

           "Happy birthday, Dag."

           After a wonderful lunch with Dagny’s every need met, sometimes before she even asked, Dag looked at me from across the table, her unfinished piece of birthday cake still before her, and smiled.

           "You did good, Chase. You really didn’t have to go to all this, but you did good."

           "You didn’t mind? I wasn’t sure if you’d be upset, or,"

           "Oh god, no. I was so stunned, and so grateful. This is the best birthday I’ve had in a good ten years."

           "Really?" I couldn’t the smile off my face. She smiled and nodded. I was so charmed by that smile, absolutely captivated by the look in her eyes, the way the light shined in making the green nearly translucent. "Well, the day isn’t over yet."

           "What? Chase, no. You’ve done more than enough."

           "Nope. Just tell me when you’re ready to go, cause we have somewhere to be." I leaned back in my chair, patting my stomach. "I have to say, that was the most awesome cheeseburger I’ve ever had." I sighed, content.

           "I told you. I love their food here. And I can’t believe Marty remembered my favorite meal and had it ready for me." She looked at the pile of our dishes on the counter. "Meatloaf and me usually don’t get along, but oh man theirs is good."

           I stood by the door, the uneaten cake in its box under my arm, as I watched Dagny say her goodbyes and thanks to the folks at Jillian’s. I had a good feeling, like I had done something really good.

           We dropped the cake off at Dagny’s place on the way out to our next and final destination, and I suggested Dag grab a pair of jeans. It might get cold later.

           The Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum was a bit of a drive, but so worth it. The look on Dagny’s face was priceless.

           "Oh, Chase. Is this where we’re going? I’ve always wanted to come here!" her excitement was infectious, and I found myself nearly vibrating out of my seat. I had been here several times as a child, but being with Dagny as she experienced it for the first time would be better than any of my previous visits.

           I paid for out tickets, and watched closely as Dagny looked around, her mouth open. We walked along the paths, starting at the Cactus Garden. Dagny read the little map we were given at the gate.

           "Wow. More than a 140 different species are grown here," she read. We looked at them all, taking pictures with the disposable camera I had picked up.

           Hours and hours went by, looking at everything from Cholla and Beavertail cactus to hummingbirds and Coatimundi in Cat Canyon. It was beautiful, and as the sun began to fall we made our way up to the overlook to see out over the Sonoran Desert. I knew this was the most awesome place to be as the sun set.

           We got settled, Dagny sitting next to me, her face lit up with happiness.

           "Did you enjoy this, Dag?" I asked quietly, almost feeling shy. She turned to me, staring into my eyes with the slightest bit of a smile on her lips. She searched my entire face as she nodded, her arms hugging her knees to her chest.

           "Oh, yeah," she nearly whispered, her eyes still on me. People climbed up behind us, and at the sound of their voices, Dagny looked away, looking out over the scenery.

           "Look at that," one of them said to someone in their party. So I did. Off in the distance storms were raging in the sky, and were vibrant as they lit up the velvet-like sky. It was one of the most incredible things I had ever seen. The undersides of the heavy rain clouds could be seen as lightening flashed, spreading across the sky in a web of electricity. I reached out and put my arm around Dagny’s shoulders, she laid her head against mine and watched the show of nature.

 *  *  *

           This semester was my busiest yet. I was hopping between bible study on Tuesday and Thursdays for Natalie, working or playing at Gotfry’s on Friday and Saturday nights. And then my load of classes. I didn’t know which way was up. I rarely saw Dagny as her load had increased ten-fold. She went to class on Monday and Wednesday and Fridays, then worked at the counseling center on Monday, Thursday and Friday afternoons. The University of Arizona Counseling Center was basically a place where students of the university or poor in the community could go for counseling help from doctorate students, supervised by professionals. On one of the rare mornings when we were able to swim at the same time, Dagny gushed about how much she loved it, and how frustrated she was with a little boy who she could not get through to.

           "He is so adorable, Chase. He is nine years old, has these great big black eyes that always look like they’re searching for someone to help him." Dagny’s client was a full-blooded American Indian who had seen his father murdered over the summer. His grandmother, who was raising him on a nearby reservation, was extremely worried about him, as he had stopped talking after that. She had brought him into the counseling center for help.

           "He won’t say anything? What is he into?" She shrugged, splashing the water with her feet as we sat at the edge of the pool after our swim.

           "I don’t know, and I’m not real sure how to find out. I’ve talked with Levy about him, and he’s given me some pointers, but I’m just a little frustrated, feel useless, you know?" She looked at me, her face filled with sadness. "I care about this little boy, and can’t stand the thought of him being so traumatized for the rest of his life. He’s destined for trouble if no one can get through to him." She sighed. "But I don’t want to talk about that. How are your classes going?" I couldn’t stop the grin that came to my face as I thought about all the fascinating things I had learned in my psych classes. For the first time in my life I looked forward to school. I told Dagny this, talking at breakneck speeds about my professors and what I thought of the information and project I had to do. Dagny watched me speak, my hands animated to try and get my point out there all the faster. She had a smile on her face.

           "God, you’re so cute, Chase," she said. I looked down, suddenly feeling really stupid. She seemed to sense this as she put her hand on my arm. "You’re enthusiasm is wonderful. You shouldn’t be ashamed of that. And trust me, Gilder will love you more for it. Don’t hide it in her class. You’ll be her class pet in no time." I grinned, nodded.

           Before long the weather began to change and shorts were replaces with jeans and sweatshirts tied around the waist. Midterms came and went, and the holiday break loomed before us. I hadn’t seen Dagny in over two weeks, and I was starting to feel the withdrawal. She wasn’t even able to go to CID’s shows on Friday nights, and that bothered me more than I ever thought.

           I sat on my bed, back against the wall studying. I had been keeping to myself, Carrie was not available as she was so wrapped up in Paul. Other friends I had made in my classes invited me places, and sometimes I went, mostly I didn’t. I appreciated the offers, but there was only one person who could take me out of my slump, and she didn’t have the time.

           The door to the room opened and Natalie walked in, dropping her heavy backpack to the floor before flopping down on the bed. She looked over at me, hands behind her head.

           "Wow. I think you’re in an even worse mood than you were in yesterday." I looked up and glared at her. "What is it, Chase? Dagny?" She sat up. "You’ve been moaning and groaning about her lack of time all semester." She stared at me, but still got no response. "At least Christmas break is coming up." Nothing. "You know, it amazed me when I got back from summer break that you guys had gotten impossibly closer than last year." She studied me, sizing me up. I didn’t want to talk about it. I knew I was being childish, and that it was out of Dagny’s control, but I still hated it. I managed to find time for her whenever I could, and even skipped a class or two when she had time off. Yeah, she had done the same for me, but I wanted more of her. I missed her.

           Something was going through Natalie’s head as she studied me. She tucked her bottom lip into her mouth as she though, the wheels smoking.

           "Cheer up, kid." She stood and patted my knee. "Come on, come get some dinner with me." I shook my head.

           "No, thanks."

           "Chase, get up off your ass and come down to the cafeteria with me." I looked up, surprised by the forceful tone in Nat’s voice. She usually reserved that for our bible study kids who were getting out of hand.

           "Did you just curse?"

           "Yes I did, so get up." Amused, I shook my head as I stood.

           "I’m telling."

           "Yeah, right. As often as you pray I’m sure God wouldn’t even bother listening to the message you left." I smacked her as we both laughed.

           Friday night came around, and so did another performance for out local barflies. Terrie and I had actually managed to start a friendship based on trust instead of lust on her part.

           "So what did you ask for from Santa?" she asked as she got settled behind her drums. "Would it be a little blonde?" I glared at her.

           "Fuck you."

           "Okay." She laughed, whacking me on the butt with a drum stick as I strapped Than over my shoulder. I glared again before I flipped her off.

           As the first set wound down to an end, I saw Dagny walk in. She smiled up at me as she walked by. I nearly jumped off the stage right then and there to give her a hug. Instead I kept the pace of the song I was singing slow, true to form, trying not to rush it just to finish. Finally, seeming like an hour later, the song ended.

           "We’ll be back." I threw Than’s strap off me, and set her down in the guitar holder, headed down the stairs. I heard Terrie’s laughter behind me.

           "Hey, you," Dag said as she stood from her table to hug me. "You sounded great."

           "Thanks." I sat down, a few of Dagny’s friends already there. We chatted a bit, but my eyes were on Dagny. I felt like I was getting a hit of the drug I was most addicted to.

           "Okay folks, I’ll be back." Dagny stood up grabbing my hand. "Come on, Chase." I stood, confused. We walked outside where she stopped, leaning against Freud. "I needed to get out of there," she said, looking at me. "I wanted some time with just me and you." My heart began to soar.

           "I was shocked to see you come in."

           "Yeah, I gathered. I wondered if you were going to forget the words to the song you were singing." She grinned evilly. God, was I that obvious? I just chuckled.

           "Yeah, well."

           "So are you excited about Tuesday?" I nodded vigorously. That was the day we headed out to my folk’s house for Christmas break.

           "God, yes." I leaned back against the SUV next to Dag. "I am so tired."

           "Oh, yeah. I hear ya. I’m looking forward to a Calgon vacation." She grinned at me, I smiled back.

           After we finished up, Dagny and I went out to get something to eat and talk. We had to play catch up. She told me all about working with that little boy still, not making much progress.

           "I got him to tell me his name the other day. I was so proud." She smiled. I patted her on the back.

           "Go you!"

           "Thank you, thank you." I kept my hand on her back, rubbing.

           "You’ll get it, Dag. I have faith in you."

           When I got back to the dorm, Natalie was already asleep, her back to me. I undressed and was about to get in bed when I saw a piece of paper laying on my pillow. Taking it and holding it under the moonlight at the window, I saw it was a clipping from a scientific magazine. The article was titled: New Scientific Information On Why More And More Teens Are Coming Out Of The Closet.

           I looked at my roommate, she hadn’t moved. Curious, I read on. When I asked her about it the next day, she said she had found it interesting, and thought I might, too. This said with a wink, of course.

 *  *  *

           Christmas managed to go off without a hitch even though Carla was in Oregon. I think my parents were just as glad to have Dagny there as they would have been for Carla. The holiday went over even better then it had last year. Even I enjoyed it. We played teams in board games such as Cranium and Trivial Pursuit. Dagny and I nearly won, but alas, my father was too much for us. It was great fun.

           Dagny and I swam daily, which shocked and pleased my mother to no end. Christmas morning my parents surprised me by having nearly as many gifts for Dagny as they did for me, all of Carla’s gifts waiting in the corner to be opened when she came home next week. I received a music system that helped me to make my own songs and compose my own music. Dagny looked at me intently as I looked it over, seeing and imagining all the wonderful things I could do with this. God, I just wanted to be able to be open and honest with my parents, show them what I was doing with my life and how much I loved it.

           We were all surrounded by a forest of wrapping paper. I started to clean it all up when Dag stopped me with a hand to my arm. I stopped and looked at her questioningly.

           "I have a surprise for you, Chase." She said. My parents were smiling, holding hands. Okay, so they knew about it.

           "Alright."

           "I’m taking you to a cabin in the Rockies that belongs to a family friend. Last year you said you wished to see a white Christmas, so I want to hopefully grant your wish." I looked at her, was she serious?

           "Are you serious?" She nodded.

           "Yup. You interested?"

           "Hell yeah!"

           "Chase, your language." My mother chastised.

           "Sorry. When do we leave?"

           "Two days." I couldn’t keep the smile off my face. I would actually be able to see and touch snow in person. I had only seen it on TV, or the few times we had a flutter or two in Tucson. I was beyond excited.

 *  *  *

           We started out on our drive early in the morning, wanting to reach the cabin by mid-afternoon. Dagny’s SUV was packed with warm clothes and some toys we’d bought; a sled, snow shovels and provisions to make a snowman.

           I was giddy like Dorothy, off to see the Wizard.

           "So were you surprised by this?" Dag asked as she navigated the roads.

           "Hell, yeah." I grinned.

           "Watch your mouth, Chase." Dag said, her voice low and stern, her face breaking out into a wide smile.

           "Yeah, bite me. Anyway, yeah, I was shocked. What made you do this?" she sighed.

           "I don’t know. I guess over Thanksgiving my mom and I talked about when we used to come here when I was a kid. I took my first step in this cabin." She turned to look at me. I smiled, imagining a tiny little Dagny taking that first wobbly step to the awe and amazement of her parents. "I haven’t been here in years and years. I wonder how small it will look to me now. You know, when you do something as a kid, it seems so huge to you." She smiled. "Then when you do it again as an adult, it’s almost disappointing."

           "Yeah. I doubt this will be, though. I mean, it’s memories that keeps you endeared to the cabin, not the grandeur of it."

           "True."

           The weather became noticeably colder as we headed out of Arizona and over the Colorado state line. I looked around in amazement, the huge rock formations that lined both sides of the road were not new to me, Arizona filled with the likes of this, but these were frosted in a thick layer of snow, little rivulets of ice hanging off the edges. I looked out the window wide-eyed and open mouthed at the beauty of it all. The sparse grasses on the side of the road were also tipped with ice and snow, the sky gray but not foreboding.

           We turned to head toward the huge Rockies that loomed up ahead. They looked as if you could run into them at any given moment, but they simply fell back away the closer you got until suddenly, and without warning, we were surrounded by barren, snow-covered trees and narrow, windy roads. I was impressed with the way Dagny was able to maneuver the curves and twists, as if she’d done it thousands of times, turning off to more flat land, higher up, the road dropping out from the road on Dagny’s side. I looked over, looking down into a snow-covered valley.

           "Wow," I breathed.

           "Incredible, isn’t it?" I nodded, not able to say much else.

           We had made good time, reaching the cabin at just past noon. Unpacking everything into the small structure, we headed to the nearest little town of Bud to pick up some supplies for our week long stay. The story was tiny, filled with about five rows of shelving packing as much merchandise in as possible. We got food, candles and matches as well as some batteries.

           Back at the cabin, I was able to explore more. The cabin had two bedrooms, though only one had a bed in it, the other storage, one bathroom, the living room, and a small kitchen with a small round wooden table in it, large enough for four. The floors were wood, but large area rugs were scattered everywhere to keep feet warm on those cold winter nights. A large stone fireplace took up the entire right hand wall.

           "This is just too awesome," I said, standing in the middle of the room with my hands on my hips. I looked at the furniture made of logs, very rustic. My only beef was the pair of antlers hanging over the fireplace. What on earth is so decorative about that?

           "Well, I’m glad. Are you going to help me or not?" Dagny had been zooming back and forth putting stuff away, and getting started on dinner. With a final sigh of contentment, I jumped in.

           Walking around the cabin that night was magnificent. The snow was not too deep, yet, maybe six inches. From what Dagny told me, it was usually three times that deep, but with Colorado’s drought, the snow was just not as plentiful. I didn’t care, it was snow.

           I picked up a handful, rubbing the cold wetness between my fingers, reveling in the beauty of the whiteness. There was so much brown and red in Arizona, this was definitely a nice change. I stared up into the sky, the snow falling lightly, just enough to tickle your face then make it wet.

           "Come on, you. Let’s go in for tonight. We’ll come back out tomorrow when it’s a bit warmer."

           The cold was something for me to get used to. I hated having to wear so many layers of clothing, but Dagny made me, nearly dressing me each time we went out. We made a fire in the fireplace every night, Dagny cooked some fantastic meals, though I tried to help her, she did most of it. She definitely had a talent in the kitchen. I had brought Melo with me, and sometimes would play for her, singing popular songs that would pop into my head.

           We read to each other, took walks, waiting for that big snow that was promised by the end of the week. I waited for it, so excited I nearly bounced.

           It was the most incredible week of my life. Dagny was so much fun and interesting. We had needed some good bonding time after the hectic last semester, and the one we’d go back to school with in a few weeks. I wanted to savor this time, revel in it. I had Dag all to myself, and it spoiled me thoroughly. She was so affectionate with me, always rubbing my shoulders or laying with her head in my lap as we listened to the radio and watched the fire dance. There was no television, so we were totally cut off from that sort of intrusion, instead making our own entertainment. We played endless games of chess and cards.

           My favorite part was playing in the snow. I was amazed at just how creative you could be with it. I made three snowmen, each with their own distinct personality and attitude. Dagny stood back watching me finish my latest masterpiece, covering her mouth as she laughed. I looked at my creation, loving the bulge in his arms. I knelt down, working on the legs, getting them just right before standing to work on the face a bit more. He had to be just right.

           "Oh my god! Never in my life did I think I’d see a buff snowman." She laughed. I grinned, standing back from him to see my Arnold Schwarzenegger look alike. He stood, legs spread wide, arms pressed to his sides because of the limits of snow. He was good, his icy muscles pronounced and obvious.

           I stood in front of my creation, taking the same pose, my face hard and drawn. Dagny laughed harder when I brought my arms up to flex for her, my biceps lost in the impossibly large amount of material in the coat I wore.

           I had never felt so close to another human being in my life. Dagny looked at me like I was so special to her, like I was the only person in the world, which I was in our little part of the woods. I felt my heart beating just a little bit faster that week. But the thing that I found interesting was, though yes, my body burned for her, it was mostly my heart that was calling out, not my hormones. My chest actually hurt, as if my heart were being pumped up too large for the space it was allotted. I wondered how she felt. I knew it was nothing like that, but I hoped. I wanted her to feel it, to want it.

           I shoved those thoughts away, sticking them in the recycle bin in my brain.

           We lay in bed, the bright light from the full moon shining in. We both lay on our backs, talking about the coming semester. I looked out the window, to my delight seeing the snow begin to fall.

           "Dag, check it out." I pointed, she looked.

           "Holy cow!" She got out of the bed and padded over to the window, followed by me. The snow was coming down, like a feather pillow sliced open, large flakes, and lots of them. She turned to me. "You thinking what I’m thinking?"

           Giggling like school girls, we ran outside dressed in sweats, sweatshirts and boots. It was cold, but we didn’t care. There was already a thick layer of old snow on the ground, but all of our tracks were already nearly covered with the new snow falling. We played, throwing snowballs at each other, pushing each other into the cold blanket of white. Finally an all out snowball war. We pelted each other, hiding behind trees, trying to dodge icy missiles.

           "Wait, wait!" Dagny cried out, laughter following each breathy word. "Truce! I’m so soaked." I laughed when I saw her peek out from behind her hiding place. Her hair was plastered to her face, water dripping down her nose. Her normally light gray sweatpants were nearly black from being so saturated.

           "Oh, Dag. Come on." We hurried back inside, me quickly getting a fire going. Dagny stood on the thick rug in front of the fireplace, stripping out of her wet clothes. I did my best to not look, to not notice the incredibly beautiful, toned body from years of swimming. The smooth skin, glowing from the firelight.

           To try and occupy my mind, I hurried to the cabinet in the bathroom and grabbed a large, thick towel to help dry her off with. When I returned to the main room, Dagny stood in just her soaked bra and underwear. I could see nearly every detail of her body through thin material. I felt guilty for looking, but couldn’t help it. She was just so beautiful. Clothes could never do her justice.

           "Here." I walked up behind her, wrapping the towel around her shoulders. She took the ends of it in icy hands, her entire body shivering. "I’m sorry, Dag. God, you’re going to get pneumonia." I began to rub her arms to try and rub some warmth into her body and get the blood flowing.

           "It’s okay," she said, her teeth literally chattering, her speech slurred. "Ittt was mmy idea, annnyway." I smiled, amused by her attempt at speaking. She turned in my arms, burying her face in my neck, moaning at the warmth her ice cold nose found there.

           I was wrapping my arms around her, pulling her into me for more full-body warmth when it occurred to me that Dagny’s half-naked body was pressed against me. I could feel her breasts against mine, the softness and fullness. My body was suddenly lit on fire, like a match to a wick. My stomach began to do flip flops as my body responded to the contact. She was so close. This must be what it feels like to be with her, to hold her and touch her.

           Dagny’s arms were around my waist, but they began to move, her hands sliding around my body to y hips, her face leaving my neck. Green eyes looked into mine.

           I stared down into Dagny’s face, searching her gaze for some hidden message that I felt was there. Her eyes looked into mine before trailing down my nose to my mouth, my lips slightly parted to bring in more air as I was having trouble breathing. I noticed the way the firelight caressed her skin, turning it a bronze color, the side of her face that was away from the fire in shadow.

           My eyes were drawn to Dagny’s mouth when it opened slightly, the tongue licking along the inside of her bottom lip. My gaze flicked back up to hers as I felt myself moving. It was like a dream, her eyes getting closer just before they closed, or did mine close?

           Softness pressed against my lips, Dagny’s lips. The barest touch before they were back, slightly pressing harder, but just as soft. So amazing as the fullness gave in to the pressure, making you feel like you’re lost in it. The softness parts just slightly, just enough for my lips to fit perfectly, like the pieces of a puzzle, drawn together as a match, but then torn apart when the puzzle is shaken.

           My eyes opened as I felt the softness leave. Dagny was looking at me, bringing her hand up absently, her fingers touching her own lips. I could not read her expression beyond surprise, and I was afraid. I said nothing, just stared, waiting for her next move.

           Dagny took a step back, her eyes dropping to the floor.

           "Um, I’m going to take a shower," she said quietly, then turned and headed to the bathroom, shutting the door behind her with a soft click.

           I felt the familiar stinging behind my eyes that had been so prevalent lately, and turned to stare into the flames. What had happened? Had I done that? Had she? I had no clue, one moment I’m standing there trying to warm Dagny up, the next I’m kissing her. How had that happened? I didn’t understand. My heart felt so heavy, my lips still tingling from where Dagny’s had been moments before. God, I wished they were still there. Stop it, Chase! Haven’t you done enough?

           Taking a shaky breath, I headed for the bedroom, slowly changing into dry clothes, my mind in a haze, my body on autopilot. I couldn’t help but dissect how I felt about what had just happened. I couldn’t deny that I had wanted that for so long, and now that I had it, I felt sick. Never would have imagined that.

           I turned to look at the wall that the bedroom and bathroom shared. I tried to imagine what Dagny was thinking, what was she doing in that shower stall? Washing herself and warming up with no thoughts, blocking it out? Or was she leaning against the wall as stunned as I was?

           It didn’t matter. I felt so empty, like some part of me had been ripped out, taken away from me. I had treaded on ground that was strictly forbidden. The line had been crossed, and I was sure the friendship had been tarnished because of it.

           I plopped down on the mattress, trying to lay as close to the edge of the bed as possible, giving Dagny more than enough space from me, as I was sure she’d want that, when she finally came to bed. I stared up at the ceiling, my hand behind my head, the stinging still very present. I was holding it back. She didn’t need to see my pain or sorrow or frustration.

           The water was turned off, and after a while, the bathroom door opened. My stomach lurched, like a kid awaiting her father’s wrath. I tried to control my breathing, but it didn’t do a whole lot of good.

           Minutes went by, then more minutes. I started to get confused. Where was she? I quietly slipped out of bed to stand at the doorway of the room. Dagny was sitting on the couch, her back to me as she stared into the fire. I had the feeling she was not coming back tonight.

           I crept back to the bed, laid down, pulling the comforter to my chin as I let the tears come.

PART 12

           I WATCHED HIM AS he watched me, chewing on the earpiece to his glasses, sizing me up.

           "So, last time you mentioned that you liked girls, or perhaps just one girl. What did you mean by that?" I looked at him, what did he mean, what did I mean? Wasn’t it pretty self explanatory?

           "Well, I mean that I dated guys, for years. Well, a few, anyway. But then I came upon this one girl, and she turned my world upside down." I looked down at my fidgeting hands as I talked, reached over to play with the strap of my backpack that sat on the couch next to me.

           "You don’t look so happy about that, Chase. Why not?"

           I took a deep breath, knowing why I had come here, knowing that I hadn’t been able to get it out in the last two times, so I may as well do it now.

           "Picture this, you’re in a secluded cabin in the Colorado woods in some butt-fuck back area where there is no civilization except for a tiny store ten miles away. You plan to behave, not do a fucking thing, then the next thing you know, you are kissing this girl of your dreams." I took a breath to get myself under control.

           "Did she kiss you back?"

           "Yeah. But she pulled away then took off to the bathroom to take a shower. We had just come in from playing in the snow, so we were both cold and she needed to warm up."

           "It sounds like you’re trying to make excuses for her, Chase." He readjusted in his chair, crossing his right leg over his left. "What happened next?"

           "She slept on the couch and I slept in the bed. We headed back for a fucking silent eight hour trip back here."

           "You’re very angry, still."

           "Wouldn’t you be? Fuck, yeah, I’m angry." I looked at him, my brows drawn. "I just want to understand." I stood, headed to the window to see the campus stretched out before me. "I haven’t spoken to her since." He looked over at the wall calendar.

           "So you’re avoiding her, then?"

           "Nope. Other way around."

           "Interesting." I could hear him scribbling something down on the pad he balanced on his thigh. "This happened during Christmas break, you said?" I nodded. "Well, that’s been well over two months now." Again I nodded.

           "I know."

           I walked around the small, but neat office. A large desk was placed near the far wall, and I wandered over there, feeling eyes on me the entire time. On the desk were several picture frames, a snapshot of a large golden retriever in one, and in another a studio picture of two men. I turned to him.

           "Who’s the other guy?"

           "That’s my partner, Jerry." He said matter of factly. I looked back at the picture, a the two men. Jerry was a good looking guy, darker skin with the slightest bit of a beard, dark hair trimmed neatly. Samuel was also a good looking guy, getting older, maybe in his mid-forties. He had dark hair, also, but was beginning to gray around the sides, making him look quite distinguished. They were both in wonderful shape. I looked at Samuel.

           "Why is it that when men start to gray it’s considered sexy and when women do they’re old hags." He chuckled, shaking his head.

           "Don’t you just love that double standard?

           "Yeah." I plopped down on the couch again.

           "Tell me more about you, Chase. Does your family keep in close contact with you?" I shrugged, leaning back, my ankle crossed over my knee, bouncing nervously.

           "Are you uncomfortable, Chase?" I glanced at my foot and grinned.

           "No, not really. Sometimes I just have too much energy, need to get it out. Anyway, my parents. Yeah, they live in town. I see them occasionally, talk to them about every week or so."

           "Do you get along?"

           "As well as most, I’d say." I glanced down at my watch. "Out of time, doc." I grinned at him, and he smiled at me.

           "Yes, it appears we are. You did better today, Chase. I think I’m getting a larger picture of Chase Marin, now."

           "Good luck, Dr. Roth." I grabbed my backpack, and headed toward the door. "It’s not easy being me." With one last smile, I headed out.

           Every time I left the counseling center I was always afraid I’d run into Dagny, yet there was a large part of me that hoped I would. I had been sure to make my appointment days opposite of her work days so that I wouldn’t run into her. The smart part of me knew it would probably be best if I didn’t. She obviously didn’t want to talk to or see me, so who was I to force the issue? Apparently I’d done that enough already.

           I headed back to my dorm, thankful that I had scheduled the counseling sessions after my classes for the day, so I could just go home and veg. The semester was three weeks in, and I had not left my room unless it was for class or the sessions.

           The sessions. I smiled as I thought about how much I had wanted to strangle Natalie. She had cornered me one day in the room, sitting across from me, and staring into my eyes.

           "Chase, what’s wrong?"

           "Nothing."

           "That’s crap and you know it. Come on, talk to me." I had looked at her, putting my notebook aside, not even able to write in the leather journal anymore. It hurt too much. "Is it school? I can’t imagine, since we just started. Your family?" I shook my head. "Dagny?" I looked down, playing with my pen. "I wondered. She hasn’t been around, and you haven’t talked about her much. Is everything okay?"

           "No," I whispered. I did not want to go into detail with Nat. Though she had put that article on my bed about homosexuality, I still didn’t feel she’d be able to understand. Plus, I felt ashamed of what had happened.

           "Look, I think I know of someone who can help you, okay? At least talk to you and understand. His name is Samuel Roth, and he’s a psychologist at the counseling center.

           "No, Natalie. I won’t go."

           "Please don’t be so stubborn, Chase. Please let me do this? At least go once, then after that you can stop, okay?" I had finally nodded my consent, secretly grateful that someone cared.

           I walked across campus now, staring up into the sun. We were headed into mid-March, and I was so very sad. Actually it depended on the day and moment of how I felt. Right now I was sad, thinking of how different things had been this time last year. My birthday had come and gone over three weeks ago. Carrie and Paul had taken me out, and Natalie had taken me to a movie and dinner. Dagny had sent me an email, wishing me the best and a wonderful twentieth year, followed by half a dozen carnations the next day.

           I had been so surprised at that, not expecting her to do anything, but wishing all the same that I could transport myself through time to last year and do it all over again. But then, my feelings would not have changed, so would the same thing have happened, one way or the other? I thought so, and thus the only way I didn’t beat myself up daily.

           Some days I felt angry and confused. What had I done that had been so horrible as to not allow me to explain, or at least get my side out? Allow me to hear hers. I was in a whirlwind of emotions, and just tried to put my school work first. Who would have thought? My parents would be so proud, and were, but if only they knew the truth.

           Suddenly I stopped, the hair on the back of my neck standing on end, and my stomach lurching. I slowly glanced over to my left where I saw a stone bench, and Dagny sitting on it. She was leaning over a book, her legs curled up under her, then she looked up, her eyes seeming to not see anything. Just staring into space. I couldn’t move from the spot where I stood, my feet rooted. I wondered what was going through her head, what she had been doing.

           Often times I’d lay in bed, knowing Dagny was still up studying, imagining her sitting on the floor of the living room or the couch, that white gook on her face as she read.

           Suddenly green eyes were on me, and I stared back. Dagny lifted her head a bit, staring into my eyes. She was a ways from me, but from what I could see, her face seemed to change emotions like the ocean changes the tide. One moment she looked lost, then another hard as the stone bench she was sitting on.

           For a moment I thought she would get up, but then she turned back to her book. My heart sank, again, and I hurried on toward my dorm. I didn’t want her to hear me cry again.

 *  *  *

           Friday night came around, and I was glad. The distraction of Gotfry’s would be good. I only worked there two days a week now, anything else being too much with school and Natalie’s bible study classes. She had stopped doing the Thursday night child classes, which had bummed me out, but she didn’t have time for it this semester.

           During rehearsal yesterday I had been quiet, not even wanting to be there. Luckily after being asked only about twenty times, my band-mates left me alone. Terrie watched me all night, though I wasn’t sure why. I’d like to say watching for me to fall apart, but since it didn’t happen, I don’t know. I didn’t know who I could trust at this point, so I didn’t bother talking to her about what had happened. I’d just learn to deal with it on my own.

           I set up my guitars, and brought the microphone up to my height. I don’t know who used it in the time between our shows, but whoever it was must be a midget.

           I looked around at the customers, just to see who was there tonight. Yeah, right. I knew exactly who I was looking for, but didn’t want to even admit it to myself.

           "You okay, Chase?" I turned to see Terrie standing behind me. She had genuine concern in her dark eyes, and I wanted so badly to confess all my secrets, but this was not the time and she was not the person. I nodded, but could not look her in the eye. She reached up and put her hand on my shoulder, rubbing the skin there. "It will all work out, Chase. It always does." I looked up at her, feeling the sting behind my eyes. I cried so often now. I hated it, never liking to cry.

           "Thanks, Terrie." I quickly turned away so she wouldn’t see the wetness trying to gather in my eyes. Valiantly I shoved it all down for another day.

           The show started, and I tried to put as much into it as I could, some of the songs coming out far too harsh, but powerful. The crowd ate it up, taking it as my own personal interpretation of the song. Worked for me.

           At the break, I grabbed my water from Greg, then headed outside. He looked at me so strangely, like he knew something was wrong but couldn’t quite put his finger on it. To his credit, he didn’t ask.

           The night was clear and quiet as I strolled around, one hand in the pocket of my jeans, the other holding onto the mug of water. I needed some air, plus I didn’t want to be around a whole bunch of people, and I especially didn’t want to be where Dagny and I had so many memories. It hurt so bad just to be up there singing. I had thought about quitting the band, but knew I’d regret it for the rest of my life. I knew that this was a moment in my history, but damn did it hurt.

           "Hey." I turned to see Carrie standing behind me. I smiled, her presence immediately brightening my dark world.

           "Hi. What are you doing here?"

           "We wanted to surprise you. Paul’s inside." She pointed to the door with her thumb.

           "I’m glad you did." I hugged my friend, needing a friendly face so bad. Carrie stared at me for a moment.

           "What’s going on, Chase? What’s happened between you and Dag?" I was surprised, as I had said nothing to her. I stared at her. "Come on, no tough girl shit. We took her out to lunch yesterday, Chase. She seemed so sad and withdrawn. Paul had to basically force her to go with us. Now I look at you, what happened?"

           "I kissed her, Car," I said quietly. "Well, at least we kissed." I looked down, playing with my mug. "I don’t know what happened. She flipped out."

           "Oh," Carrie breathed, stepping back in shock. "I’m, wow. I’m sorry, Chase." She put her hand on my arm. "So what do you think?" I shook my head, looking out into the night.

           "I’m thinking that the greatest thing to ever happen to me is fucked up beyond repair. I don’t understand why we just can’t go back to where we were." I looked at my friend. "Why does it have to be so dramatic that we’re totally avoiding each other? I saw her in the park the other day, she looked right at me and turned back to her books. She hates me, Car."

           "I didn’t get that impression at all, Chase. She said that she’s been really busy with school and all, but she, god I can’t even explain it to you. If I didn’t know better I would have thought her dog died. Hell, her entire family." She leaned back against a nearby car. "She looked so unbelievably lost." I sighed. I’m right here, Dagny. I can lead you back. I said nothing. "It kind of makes sense now. Anyway, you guys sounded great in there," Carrie said finally. I smiled, turned to her.

           "Thanks. I think I sucked, but hey, you can keep on praising if you like."

           "Well, I don’t think Poison ever intended Every Rose Has Its Thorn to sound quite like that, but other than that." I laughed.

           "Yeah, bite me." I dodged the smack that was intended for my arm with a smile. "So how are things going, you know, you and Paul."

           "Oh, Chase, we can talk about that some other time, huh?"

           "No, it’s okay. Really, I’m okay. How is he?" My friend’s face lit up, though I could tell she was trying to hold back. I put my hand on her arm. "Car, really. It’s okay. Just because my life sucks doesn’t mean I’m going to begrudge you any happiness." She looked at me, gauging my sincerity, then finally smiled full out.

           "He’s wonderful, Chase. I think this is what I’ve been looking for, you know?" I nodded. "We are taking it slow, you’ll be happy to know, but things are kind of getting serious. I took him home for my parents to meet last weekend."

           "Really? The parent moment, huh? How did it go?"

           "Well, I was nervous as hell, but I have faith in my choice, so no matter how it turned out I knew what I wanted. But, all my worrying and analyzing had been for not. They loved him." She smiled again, wrapping her arms around herself.

           "I knew they would, Car. You’ve got a great one there."

           "Chase, can I ask you a question? If it’s too soon tell me to go fuck myself. But, well, if this doesn’t work out with Dagny, will you go back to guys or stick with girls?" I looked at her. What a fine question, one that I had no answer to as I hadn’t really thought about it. I sighed as I thought.

           "Well, I mean, I like guys as a whole, and Mike was great, but I don’t know. There’s just something about women that you just don’t get with men, you know?" She nodded.

           "Oh, yeah. I understand. They are so gentle and soft."

           "Yeah, but it’s more than that. I mean, I haven’t slept with one, so I don’t know shit about that part of it." I stared up at the night sky, trying to get my thoughts in order. "It’s more of a connection that I have never experienced in my entire life." I looked at my friend. "You and I are close, right?" She nodded. "But even so, and you know how much I love you, it’s different. Now I don’t know if this is with all women or just Dag, but there is a connection there, like I don’t even have to say a word and she understands me." I could feel the familiar stinging. I looked down to hide my face from Carrie. I felt a hand on my back, rubbing in slow circles.

           "It’s okay, Chase," she whispered. My chest heaved as a sob tore free.

           "God, I feel like I’m pregnant. I get the weirdest emotional outbursts at the strangest times." I tried to smile through my tears, wiping them away as fast as they poured out of my eyes. Carrie smiled.

           "Yeah."

           "What did I do so wrong, Car?" I looked at her, realizing wiping the tears away was a losing battle. "You know I find it so ironic that the one person who finally gave me a purpose, made me feel so strong within myself has made me question my every move. I feel like my source is gone."

           Carrie took me into her arms, whispering loving words into my ear, rocking me slowly.

 *  *  *

           I walked into the counseling center a bit early. Dr. Roth’s door was closed, so I sat in one of the chairs in the waiting room. There was a little boy sitting there, he looked to be no older than eight or nine. His dark eyes scanned the room, me, and an older woman sitting next to him reading a magazine. I smiled at him and he looked at me, almost with fear in his eyes, and moved closer to the older woman. It surprised me, but I figured he had his reasons.

           I sat on, waiting for my appointment when a song popped into my head. It was an old camp song my sister had taught me years ago. I began to hum it, just for something to do. I felt the little boy’s eyes on me the entire time, but did not look at him for fear of scaring him more. But I could see him out of the corner of my eyes when I looked at the picture placed on the wall above his and the other woman’s head. As I hummed I began to get my feet into the action, moving them this way and that, at first very subtly, to the rhythm of the song.

           I noticed that the boy’s eyes were following my movements, his face still like stone. I brought my hands into the little dance, doing an almost ’70s style disco move with them. I kept my face pretty clear of expression except for my eyes which moved back and forth with my hands, beginning to grunt along with my humming.

           To my immense surprise and delight I saw the slightest bit of a smile spread across his lips, reaching up to his eyes to make them sparkle like black marbles.

           "Chase?" I stopped abruptly, looking up at my doctor in mid-dance. He was staring down at me, amusement on his face. I smiled and stood, following him into his office.

           "Having fun with the little guy there?" he asked, pointing toward the door. I sat down and smiled.

           "He looked like he could use a little pick me up."

           "Indeed he can." He shook his head sadly as he flipped through the pages of his notebook, then looked at me. "So how have you been, Chase?" I shrugged.

           "Okay, I guess. Not much to tell. Been pretty typical days. But, there is some good news." I smiled.

           "Oh?"

           "Well, two things, actually. My older sister and her fiancé have set a date to get married. It’ll be this fall. Also, I decided not to quit playing music."

           "That’s wonderful, Chase." Sam leaned toward me, patting me on the knee. "I think that was a very wise and mature, healthy decision." He leaned back in his chair and studied me. I had been coming to see Sam for three months now, and was so glad I did. He was awesome with what he did, and his honesty with his own gay life has been beyond helpful. "Do you compose music, Chase? Music can be such an extraordinary outlet for feelings and emotions, whether good or bad."

           "Yeah, it can, and yes, I do."

           "Have you written any about this girl who hurt you so bad?" I nodded, looking down. "It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Chase. It can be very therapeutic."

           "Yes, but to be honest, sometimes I almost feel like a voyeur, like I know she will never read or hear any of these songs, but they’re about her. Like talking about someone behind their back." I chewed on my bottom lip as I stared at the doctor. "Does that make sense?" He nodded.

           "Yes it does. But what’s important is how they make you feel. Do they make you feel better?"

           "A little, yeah."

           "Then that’s what counts. Do you allow anyone else to read your songs?" he asked, taking his glasses off to polish them with the ever-present Kleenex he had in his pocket.

           "No. No one reads them." I looked down for a moment. "She’s the only one who ever read any of my songs." I felt deflated, and my eyes starting to fill again. Damnit! I don’t want to cry anymore.

           I heard some movement, but didn’t dare look up. I would be mortified if Sam saw me crying. The cushion next to me lowered with the added weight of the doctor, then I saw a Kleenex come into view. I took it, quickly trying to wipe the tears away.

           "I really shouldn’t be so personal with you, Chase, but I want to tell you a story." Sam’s voice had gone from the strong, professional tone to a much softer, comforting one. "When I was younger, just starting college, so about an eon ago," I smiled as he nudged me. "I met this man in my class. Shawn, was his name. We had a class together, and as soon as I saw him I was drawn to him. He treated me like dirt for a good long time, so I decided he was an asshole, and threw it out of my mind." He brushed some hair away from my face, but I still stared at my lap.

           "What happened?" I finally asked.

           "Well, we ended up having to do a project together for the class. He showed up at my apartment with breakfast from a fast food place, and we sat down to eat and talk. We talked about the project for maybe an hour, then the rest of the afternoon we discussed our lives, our past, any and everything. See, at this time I was still very much straight, even had a girlfriend. Imagine that." I looked up at him and grinned, he was already smiling at me. "Anyway, so long and short of it was we became best friends, inseparable. I fell in love with him. I was so surprised and scared. What would happen now? What would my family think, would my career be ruined? So, we stayed like this, Shawn showing me all signs pointed south, but he never did anything, never followed through. Finally he transferred to another college, and I was left heartbroken. I had changed my entire life for him, Chase. Come out to my family long before I was ready, broken up with my girlfriend, which ultimately ended up being the right thing. But the point was, I was shattered by this, devastated." I stared at him, wondering how this tale would end, and why the hell he was telling me this.

           "Are you trying to depress me more, Sam?" He smiled.

           "No, Chase. After some time had passed, my heart mended to the best of its ability, and I met Jerry. He was the best thing that ever happened to me. The thing is, with this girl, whether you win or lose, she is playing a part in your life for a reason. It’s up to you to figure out what that reason is and to use it for your benefit. Life throws some curves at us, Chase. I know you know that, but you have to respect and learn from the bad in order to appreciate and deserve the good."

           I looked at him, seeing Sam in a new light. He wasn’t just the psychology guy that I came in and talked to every week, he was a human being who had feelings and experiences, too. I turned to him and hugged him.

           "Thank you, Sam." I said, muffled into his shoulder. He hugged me back, rubbing my back and neck.

           "You’ll get through this, Chase. I promise."

 *  *  *

           It had been five weeks since I had seen Dagny sitting in the park, and only one of three times I saw her over the semester. The pain was lessening some, but now it was turning into anger and the frustration of not getting any closure. What was I supposed to do? There was no way I could live out the rest of my life without knowing why, at least trying to understand.

           I was writing fairly regularly again, which was good, and as Sam had said, was extremely helpful, even if the songs were only for me. The crying was also less frequent now, thank god. One night I had gone to Magpie’s for dinner. Yes, I know I must be a masochist. It hurt to sit in that booth, looking across the table at what should have been Dagny. I never really understood why I went in there, except for maybe the chance that she’d come in. Then what? If she did, what would I say? Anything? I didn’t know.

           I sat on my bed, back against the wall, my notebook in my lap as I wrote. I stared out the window as I thought about how I was feeling, or what to say. Then like being hit by lightning, the entire thing came to mind. I wrote as fast as my hand would allow, which wasn’t always as fast as my brain thought of it. Few minutes, and many writing mistakes later, I was finished.

           I sat back, reading my masterpiece, trying to think of a name for it. A smile broke out over my face. Maybe I’d even let Sam read this.

 *  *  *

           I had to visit Sam on an off day, my regular day I had finals and was too brain dead to walk let alone talk. I worried about possibly bumping into Dagny, but what could I do? I wasn’t going to think about it.

           I walked into the building, and yet again there was the little boy sitting with the older woman, his feet dangling off the edge of the chair. That always jolted me as to just how little we are when we’re kids. Someday that little boy could be taller than I was.

           I sat in my usual spot, waiting for Sam. The little boy was watching me intently, and when I got situated, I heard the tiniest little voice. I listened, realizing it was the little ditty I’d been humming last week. I looked over at the boy, and the humming stopped. Picking up on the game, I looked away again, keeping him in my peripheral vision. I heard the quiet humming again, and knew it was him as his eyes were glued to me. I began to hum along, tapping my toe with the beat. I saw a tiny smile curl the corner of his mouth, then it was gone as his humming got louder, so did mine. The older woman was watching us both, a look of astonishment on her lined face.

           The boy looked over toward the office doors, and abruptly stopped. I turned as well, and stopped just as quickly. Dagny stood in an open doorway, her eyes riveted on us, going to me when she saw I was looking at her. She looked so good in a black skirt that reached to just above her knee and a tight knit shirt with capped sleeves. She looked thinner, her hair a little longer. She looked good, but very tired.

           We shared the look for several minutes, neither of us expecting to see the other, and neither knowing what to do or say. I gave the faintest of smiles, and so did she, but then she turned around, and disappeared into the office.

           I sat, stunned, struck. I felt my insides gurgling as if I would be sick, not knowing how to control it. That was the closest I had been to her physically since the drive back from Colorado in January.

           The life and light that I had so loved in her eyes seemed to be gone. I was probably just fooling myself, but that’s what I saw.

           "Chase?" I looked up, startled to hear my name called. Sam stood at his open door, his brows drawn. "Are you okay?"

           "Uh, yeah." I walked into his office, my notebook in hand. I handed it to him, opened to the appropriate page. "Um, I brought this for you to read." He took it, still looking at me with concern.

           "You look like you’ve just seen a ghost. My god, you’re so pale." He sat me down on the couch, and I batted his hands away.

           "I kind of did." I smiled weakly. "I’m fine. Just read." He shook his head, then sat in his chair across from me, began to read. I watched his face as he read, the expressions that crossed his features. Finally, he put the notebook down and looked at me.

           "Chase, this is exquisite work. Is this recent?"

           "Yes. I just wrote it about a week ago." He handed the notebook back where I tucked it away next to me.

           "You really should allow others to read your music, Chase. You may have a future in it." I shook my head.

           "Nah, I enjoy it, love it in fact, but I have no interest in making a career out of music. It will always be in my life, but," He smiled and nodded.

           "Probably wise. No matter how intelligent or talented you may be, that sort of business is very difficult to get a proper hold onto."

           "Yeah." I looked down for a moment, trying to decide if I should tell him about just seeing Dagny or not. I did not want him to know who she was, for her privacy as well as my own, but all the same I felt I should tell him I had seen her. "Um, I just saw her. That’s what was wrong when I came in." He nodded.

           "I figured as much. Is there anything I can do? How are you?"

           "I was a little shaken, but I’ll survive." My doctor smiled at me, nodding.

           "Yes, I believe you will, Chase." I nodded.

           "I hope so." I put my hand to my chest. "I hurt so bad, Sam. I hurt here." I emphasized my words by patting my chest. "It’s so hollow."

           "It will be filled again."

 *  *  *

           It was to be our last show of the semester, and for me for a while. I planned to go home for a couple weeks, get some space from the campus and this part of Tucson. I needed to be somewhere where every time I turned around there was a memory staring me in the face. My parent’s house would be bad enough, but at least I had lived there for eighteen years and had all that to fall back on.

           Sam had managed to talk to me about possibly singing my new song tonight. I didn’t know if I could do that. Not only was it an immensely personal song, but also I had yet to sing any of my own music at Gotfry’s. I had made copies of the music for the band in case I decided to do it, and knew the song I’d cut out of our program, too.

           As I had headed to the bar, I had noticed heavy clouds rushing in the late-day sky, turning it a gunmetal gray. A storm was coming.

           We were setting up, a large crowd in tonight as it was the first weekend after finals, and everyone needed to just have a good time.

           "Hello, and good evening, everyone. Finals are over!" I got a resounding cheer from that, and grinned as I turned toward the band, handing them the music, just in case. Doug took his copy, finding the melody in his head. He nodded.

           "This is good stuff, but, um, well where are the lyrics, Chase?" I looked at him, smiled as I tapped my head with my finger. "Is this yours?" I nodded, he grinned. "Wow. Cool."

           "This is not a definite, but maybe, okay? See how much nerve I can get up."

           "You got it."

           I walked back to the microphone, Than securely around my neck, and began the first set. The crowd was rowdy and responsive as they drank more, and I actually found myself having a good time.

           "Thank you! We’ll be back."

           I put Than in her stand, and headed to the bar for my water.

           "I’m going to miss you, Chase," Greg said, leaning over the bar.

           I snorted. "It’s only two weeks, Greg. I think you can handle it."

           He grinned. "You still going to work for me this summer?"

           "Hell yeah. I just need to get out of here for a bit, you know?" The bartender looked at me, then surprised me by patting my arm.

           "It’ll all be better, Chase." I looked at him, perplexed. He winked at me, then headed off to help a customer. I leaned against the bar, staring out at everyone, trying to see who all had shown up. Pretty much the same groups of people, guys playing pool toward the back by the bathrooms. Everything felt alright, like it was supposed to happen this way. I didn’t know exactly what everything was, but I knew I’d be fine. Yeah right.

           The second set was just about to start up, Than around my neck ready to rock, when I glanced around at the nearly full bar, some empty tables here and there. There was a small table back by the door, and to my shock, Dagny was sitting in one of the chairs. She had a mug of beer sitting in front of her. When the hell had she gotten there? I was shaken.

           "Ready?" Doug asked, and I nodded, blowing out a very deep breath. The next song was a Def Leppard hit, and the music for it had started already. I didn’t want to sing, just wanted to run, but knew I couldn’t. I had to stay and fight. I began to sing, not the best I’ve ever sung, but I managed to get through it.

           My eyes kept drifting to that lonely table with its single patron. Dagny’s eyes were on me, her face nearly expressionless as she listened. I felt the anger I had been trying to deal with start to bubble up. I felt all the frustration and pain of the last five months coming to a head, and I knew I had to sing the song. I had to let her know how I felt.

           "Okay, the next song I’m about to sing for you is, well," I grinned. "I consider all of you my good buddies now, so here’s one I wrote. You be nice to me, now!" This drew a roar from the crowd, and I smiled. I turned to look at the band who were all looking at me like I’d lost my mind, before they scrambled to get the music out I had given them.

           Terrie started out slow with the drums, the only instrument playing for the time being. I closed my eyes, holding onto the microphone until it was my turn to start playing.

           "This song is called Should I." I said, my voice breathy. My eyes still closed, I began to sing.

 "Behind closed lids
 We both feel the same
 You love me or I hate you
 At least there’s no one to blame"

           I started in softly with the guitar, everyone quiet behind me, and in the bar. I took a breath, then continued.

 "It’s not just your rejection
 That crumples me inside
 The tears I shed for you
 Serve only to remind
 What we had just weeks ago
 Was not felt by me alone
 But one touch has changed that all
 Your eyes to ice, your heart to stone"

           I opened my eyes as the song picked up in the chorus, and looked at Dagny, burning a hole in her. She was still staring at me, her face intense, but she was biting her bottom lip as if she were trying to stay expressionless.

 "I see you peering at me
 Across the width of fence
 Your eyes filled with wonder
 Your body so tense
 Your face next to mine
 Now what should I do?
 With the touch of your lips
 I was gone… and so were you"

           I said the last line slow and deliberate, the bar going nuts, Dagny not moving an inch. I continued, the music coming down to just Terrie and I again.

 "Sometimes it gives me pause
 Would it be simp’ler to forget
 That few seconds of bliss
 Silence turned into regret
 I see you peering at me
 Across the width of fence
 Your eyes filled with wonder
 Your body so tense
 Your face next to mine
 Now what should I do?
 With the touch of your lips
 I was gone… and so were you"

           The band played, and I stepped back from the microphone, lifting my head in defiance. I would not be torn apart by this. I closed my eyes as I lost myself into the music, playing Than for all I was worth before stepping back up.

 "Do I chalk it up
 To a year-long mistake?
 Move on with my life
 Let the memories fade?
 Or do I give you control
 That which you always had
 The key to my heart
 For good or for bad
 With the touch of your lips
 I was gone… and so were you.
 I was gone…"

           I looked right into Dagny’s eyes.

 "And so were you."

           The bar was silent as the words and powerful meaning seeped into alcohol-saturated brains.

           Dagny pushed her chair back, a horrible screech echoing through the silence as the wooden legs scraped along the wood planks. She looked at me for a moment, then turned and walked out of the bar.

           I threw Than’s strap off my neck and handed the guitar to whoever was standing there as I raced after her.

           I burst through the bar door to see Dagny standing in the parking lot, not far from me, her back to the building. I stared up into the sky to see the rain coming down in torrents. My attention moved back to Dagny.

           "Why did you sing that?" she asked, her voice low, quieted by the rain.

           "Why not?"

           "Leave it to you to make a slap in the face sound so poetic."

           "It wasn’t meant as a slap. I had no idea you’d be here." That was a lie. I didn’t even know if I’d sing it or not. Turn around, Dag, I need to see your face. Perhaps she heard my silent plea because she turned around then, and I saw how her eyes glistened. I couldn’t tell if it was from the light or from, something else.

           "What do you want from me? What do you expect from me?" Her voice rose as she spoke, her body getting tense.

           "I don’t want anything from you, Dagny," I said, my voice still low, hard. "I did not ask you to come here. I have not asked anything from you or of you."

           "Why did you kiss me, Chase? What happened back in that cabin?" Tears, I could tell Dagny was crying now. They were falling and mingling with the rain drops. I felt my own eyes stinging, but was not about to give her the satisfaction. Not anymore.

           "I didn’t kiss you, Dagny. I don’t know what happened. It just happened. That’s life."

           "I don’t know what to do, Chase. I am so goddamned confused."

           "You’re confused?" I could feel my anger rising again. "What the hell do you have to be confused about, Dag? I personally wanted that kiss to happen. There, I said it." I looked away, then back. "I didn’t mean for it to happen, though. That had not been my intention to go with you to the woods of Colorado, and then seduce you! God, give me more credit then that."

           "I never thought that, Chase. Honest. I just, I wanted it, too!" I stared at her, her words echoing in my head leaving me with my mouth open. Dagny threw her hands up into the air in exasperation. "My whole life I’ve wanted what my parents have, I wanted a love that strong, someone to love me like no one else ever had." She looked at me, slightly cocking her head to the side. "And it was right before me all along. I don’t understand it, Chase, but it was here. You were here."

           I could only stare, shell shocked and too afraid to say anything.

           "I can’t do this again, Dag. I cannot go through this again with you." She smiled, shaking her head as if she hadn’t heard me.

           "You know, I always thought I was the strong one, independent, intelligent, driven, you name it. I was always so in control of my life, of everything I did. Till you. I look at you, the willpower and strength, all inside you all along." She took a step toward me, I took one back. I didn’t trust her, didn’t trust this feeling I had. "All these months that we’ve been apart, I’ve been thinking, discovering. Before the holiday break I was getting to a point where I couldn’t imagine life without you in it. I loved having you in my apartment, snuggling up with you in my bed keeping me warm." She smiled weakly. "I needed you. These past months I wanted to see if I could live without you, if I could just pick up where I had left off, lose myself in school and work, in life." She shook her head. "I couldn’t do it, Chase. Sure, I was fine. But there was something so huge, so monumental missing. I haven’t even swam since February." She took another step forward, this time I held my ground. She looked up at me, standing no more than six inches away.

           "Why are you doing this, Dag?" I asked, my voice hoarse. "I can’t do this again, can’t allow you to fuck with my head again."

           "I can’t guarantee you that I won’t hurt you again, Chase, or that you won’t hurt me. But I want to try. I want to try for as long as you’ll let me." She looked at me with pleading eyes. "Don’t you see?" She raised her hand and placed it on my chest. "I want to be in here." I almost smiled at the irony. Just hours ago I was telling Sam how much my heart hurt, and now it hurt because it felt like it was about to explode. She grabbed my hand and put it to her heart.

           "Say yes," she whispered. "Please say yes."

           I stared into her eyes, tears running freely down my face now, as they were hers. I nodded as I couldn’t find my voice for a moment. She smiled.

           "Yes."

           Dagny dropped my hand, and threw herself into my arms. I closed my eyes, squeezing them tight as it felt like everything in my life had just clicked back into place, as if I had found me again.

           "I’m sorry, Chase," she whispered into my ear. I nodded against her neck.

           Dagny pulled away, looked up into my eyes, reaching with her hand to caress the side of my face, pushing a few wet strands away. She reached up, placing the softest of kisses on my eyes, kissing the last of my tears away. I tensed for a moment, but then relaxed. She came back for another small kiss on my forehead, then pressed her lips softly against mine. We stayed like that for awhile, our lips barely moving against one another before she tilted slightly to the side, mine following suit. I felt her hand wrap around my neck, her arm encircling my waist, pressing my drenched t-shirt to my skin. My lips opened just the slightest bit, allowing our lips to fit perfectly together.

           Then to my surprise I felt hers open a bit more, and a very tentative wetness brush against my lips. I opened for her, allowing her tongue to explore briefly before it retreated. The kiss ended as gently as it began, our foreheads resting together, staring into each other’s eyes, silently communicating all that we weren’t ready to say. Dagny fell against me with a sigh that I imagined was partly contentment, and partly relief. I held her tight, reveling in the feel of her, knowing that she felt it, too, and that she accepted it.

           "Come home with me?" I looked at her, she smiled. "Just to sleep. I’m cold." I grinned and nodded.

           As we headed for Freud, I turned to see that the bar door was open, and a group had gathered to watch us. Someone was pushing everyone back inside, and then turned to look at me. She winked, then closed the door behind her. I smiled, shaking my head.

           I turned to Dagny just as we reached the car. "By the way," I grinned. "Do you like pool?" Dagny smiled back.

           "You bet your ass I do."

           She pulled out of the parking lot, holding my hand in hers on her thigh, and smiled over at me. I smiled back, squeezing her hand. I looked in the rearview mirror to see the lights of Gotfry’s, disappear.

PART 13

           I OPENED MY EYES, feeling a weight on my chest. I looked around to see Dagny laying on me, her face buried in my neck, her breathing deep and even. We had slept like this many times, but this morning as I ran my finger through her hair, it took on an entirely new meaning for me.

           She felt the same way I did.

           I smiled, staring up at the ceiling, pulling her a little closer to me, her body instinctively cuddling closer to the source of warmth. I thought back to last night after we had left Gotfry’s.

           We had come into the apartment, and I had felt like I was coming home, looking at everything. Nothing had changed since I’d been here last, but yet so much was different.

           Dagny stood in the middle of the room, and looked at me, her wet clothes still clinging to her body, her hair pushed away from her face. I could hear the rain still falling outside.

           "What do we do now?" I asked, my voice quiet. I held my breath, a terrible feeling inside my stomach just waiting for her to start laughing at me, telling me this was some elaborate hoax.

           God, please no.

           "I don’t know," she said, just as quietly.

           As I looked at her I could tell she was the same person I had fallen for, the same person I wanted in my life forever, but she had changed somehow. It seemed as if she had become impossibly more mature, more wise over the past six months. I looked at her to see an old soul standing before me, her eyes deep and filled with knowledge. She walked over to me, and took me in her arms, laying her head on my shoulder. I held her close, my eyes closing as I thought of all the what ifs.

           Neither of us said a word as we hugged, just reveling in the feel of things returned.

           Finally the embrace ended, and Dagny stepped back, her hands slowly trailing down my arms, then the contact was broken completely. I stared at her, looking into tired eyes. She smiled, I smiled back.

           "It’s been a long day. Um, are you interested in going to bed?" She looked hopefully, nervous, like she was afraid I’d tell her to go to hell. I nodded, she sighed. "Okay, good. Um, well," she glanced toward the doorway to her bedroom. "You’re welcome to go in there with me, if you want. I mean, if you don’t want to I completely understand, but I’d like you in there." I smiled, completely charmed by this precious woman.

           "No, I’ll join you."

           "Good. Okay, um, well, shall we?"

           I pulled Dagny a little closer to me now, the morning sun streaming in through the blinds on the windows. I stared up at the ceiling, and thought of Natalie. Maybe she had something with this God stuff. I mean, apparently someone up there saw fit for my life to not be miserable.

           I chuckled at the thought. Nat would be so proud.

           "What are you laughing about? Are the voices talking to you again?" I looked to see green eyes peering at me from beneath tousled bangs. I grinned and nodded.

           "You know it. They’re telling me that I should be in charge of the world and cause mass destruction and chaos."

           "Ah, I see. Sorry, there are others out there who already got the job." She pushed herself up so her head rested on her hand, and stared down at me.

           "What?" I started to feel uncomfortable with the intense scrutiny. She shook her head.

           "Nothing. Just looking, still not quite sure of what’s happening." She smiled shyly. "You know, when I went into Gotfry’s last night I had no intention of anything happening, or really even talking."

           "So why did you go?" I asked softly, reaching up to play with a strand of hair that was sticking straight up in the air from sleep.

           "To indulge in a passion that I hadn’t in too long."

           "What was that?"

           "Listen to you sing." I stared at her, stunned, then suddenly felt really shy.

           "Really?" She nodded and smiled.

           "Really." She leaned down and gave me the softest of kisses. I looked at her like she was the savior of my life, the love I had no idea existed. I had never felt so corny in my whole life, thinking that all those sappy commercials and movies were just from the imagination of Hollywood. Who knew?

           "I bet this time yesterday you didn’t think you’d be doing that, did you?" I asked with a grin. She shook her head.

           "Um, that would be a no."

           "Are you glad?" Dagny nodded, stroking my face with the backs of her fingers.

           In my life I had been ruled by different factors: my parents, greed, hunger and my passion for music and writing it. But never in any sort of relationship outside of family and Carrie, was a ruled by just a look or a touch. I found now, as I laid there with Dagny, that I’d do just about anything for her, and I had the distinct feeling that as time went on I would do anything. Why was that? I didn’t understand. In all the songs I had written, not one of them was about love, or how love touches your soul and makes you want to sing, yadda, yadda. My songs were always dark and about how life can affect you. Not love. I never got why so many movies and songs were written about this unfathomable emotion for me.

           But now as I looked into the face of the most beautiful woman I had ever known, I finally got it. Now I could be a sap along with the rest of the world. Go me.

           "Um, Chase?"

           "Yes?"

           "Can I start swimming again?"

           "Can I go with you?"

           "Please?" I grinned.

           "I’ll kick your ass in laps today."

 *  *  *

           I was beating myself up now for telling my parents that I would be coming home for a couple weeks. That was the last thing I wanted to do now. I found it very ironic, however, that the reason I had agreed to go was the reason I wanted to stay.

           Dagny was in my dorm, helping me pack my stuff up while Natalie sat on her bed, a grin on her face. In a rare few minutes without Dag, I had managed to fill Natalie in on the events of last Friday. Well, that is I told her Dag and I had managed to patch things up. Natalie had been a wonderful friend, and had surprised me on several occasions, but I still did not feel comfortable telling her the exact status of things.

           She had been beyond thrilled, and I had thought her face would break open with the size of her grin.

           I had asked her to keep her mouth shut, and she hadn’t said a word, but the way she kept looking from Dagny to me and back again said it all.

           When Dag would turn her back I’d glare, which only earned a bigger smile.

           "So what are your plans for the summer, Natalie?" Dag asked as she started taking down my posters from the walls.

           "Well, for the first time I’ll be going on our annual retreat by myself." My roommate smiled proudly. "However, this time it won’t be in Montana as it has been since I was twelve. I’ll be heading to South Africa." She sat back on her bed, arms crossed over her chest with a brilliant smile.

           "That is so interesting," Dagny said, turning to look at Nat, and sat on the edge of her bed to ask her questions about it. I had heard the entire thing several times, and continued to pack as they talked about it. My mind began to wander, and I thought of my own family. Should I tell them about Dagny and me? Was there enough to tell them, yet? What did I tell them, I had fallen in love with my old babysitter?

           The thought of my parents knowing anything had not even occurred to me until last night when I had been curled up with Dag. Before there was nothing to tell. But now…

           Dagny and I had discussed me staying at her place over the summer, and not even bothering to get a dorm for my class, which would start up in about a month. I had been shocked when she had broached the subject, but had happily agreed.

           I could not get enough of Dagny, her touch, her mind, the sound of her voice. We had not been apart for more than an hour in the week since Gotfry’s. If this was what life loving a woman could be like, count me in. Never, even in the most infant stages of Mike’s and my relationship had I ever felt this way. I had never felt so connected to him. Granted, Dagny and I had been friends first, for nearly two years, and Mike and I had just started to date outright. Even so, it was different.

 *  *  *

           I sat on the couch, my legs stretched out in front of me as I dug into my Styrofoam container of beef fried rice from Lucky Kitchen, a Chinese food place on campus. Dag tore into her lemon chicken. My brows knitted as I thought more about the issue of telling my parents. I knew the time was coming. In just the short time since Dag and I had confessed our feelings for each other, things were already speeding along at an incredible rate.

           "Dag?"

           "Yeah, babe?"

           I looked at her, a smile spreading across my face. Did she just call me babe? That is so sweet. I had found myself wanting to call her certain pet names, the word just on the tip of my brain, but not able to get it out there-

           "Chase?"

           "Oh, sorry. Anyway, I’ve been thinking about something."

           "What’s that?" Dag put her container of chicken aside, and leaned toward me on the couch, her hand on my thigh, her head leaning against her other hand. God, when she looked at me like that I just melted.

           "About my parents." I also put my lunch aside. "I wonder if I should tell them."

           "Tell them what?"

           "Well, you know, about us." I indicated both she and I. I had gone home two days ago, but had managed to come up with an excuse to come here tonight. I only wished I could stay overnight, but I had no idea what lie I could come up with to facilitate that.

           "Oh." Dag leaned back, sitting up straighter. "Oh." She looked out at the room, now with my two guitars lining the wall by the fireplace, and some other things that belonged to me littering the room.

           "What do you think?" I turned on the couch so I was facing her, reaching out to play with the hem of her tee shirt. She looked at me, then sighed with a nod.

           "Well, obviously it’s up to you, Chase, but I do think they have a right to know, you know?"

           "Yeah. Kind of what I was thinking." I looked at her, and just couldn’t keep the smile off my face. She smiled back. Even though I knew what the situation between us was, still, everyday there were thoughts and feelings running through my head that I didn’t understand, that I didn’t know what to do with. Like a boy just going through puberty and discovering the wonderful world of girls, so was I excited and overwhelmed. Nothing had really happened between us, just a kiss here and there. Neither of us were ready to take it any further, yet.

           "I should tell my folks, too." I was pulled from my realm of thought by Dag’s voice. She ran a hand through her hair before reaching down to take my hand in her lap. She gently ran the tips of her fingers over my fingernails and the skin of the back of my hand. Like whisper touches. I loved it when she did that. "Chase?"

           "Yeah?"

           "When did you know, about me. I mean, when you figured it out how you felt. You know?" I nodded.

           "Yeah, I know. Well, let’s see here." I stared up at the ceiling, only moments later to find Dagny in my lap, her head resting against my shoulder. I straightened my legs to give her even more room to cuddle up to me. I wrapped my arms around her and laid my chin on the top of her head as I thought. "I’d have to say pretty soon after Christmas."

           "Last Christmas? As in six months ago?" Dag looked at me, surprised. I grinned and shook my head.

           "Nope. Before that. The first Christmas you went home with me." Her eyes widened as she stared.

           "Really? That long ago?" I nodded again. "Wow." She smiled in amazement. "I’m stunned.

           "Why so surprised? I was quite taken by you, strutting around my parent’s pool in that little bathing suit of yours."

           "Hey!" She smacked me on the arm. "I was not strutting." I laughed.

           "Well, you caught me in that moment, Dag. God, so beautiful."

           "Thank you," she said quietly, then was silent for a moment. It was killing me, wondering when it had been for her. "You know, I think for me it had been coming for a while. I can’t really say when. See, at first, I felt so protective of you, still seeing you as that little girl from so long ago." She began to pet my arm as she spoke, nuzzling her body in a little closer. "Then I realized somewhere along the way that you were a young adult, not a kid anymore, and then I got to know you for who you were, who you’ve become. Certainly not the skittish kid I knew." She chuckled softly. "Suddenly you became a close friend, someone I began to trust, then rely on." She turned her head to look at me. "Thank you, Chase."

           "For what?"

           "For being who you are, and what I didn’t realize I needed." She reached up and kissed me on the lips, holding the kiss for just a moment, then backed away. My eyes opened and I saw her gazing at me, the softest look on her face as she looked into my eyes, at my mouth and the rest of my face. "You know when I signed up for college this definitely wasn’t what I was expecting, but I’m glad I got it."

           "You are?" I said, my eyes wide. She laughed.

           "Yup. I am. Anyway, I guess when it really hit was just before Christmas this last year. I mean, before then I knew something was going on, I mean I was noticing you in ways that I wasn’t real comfortable with. Remember all of our swimming sessions?"

           "Yes," I drawled.

           "Well, um, I have a confession to make," She looked down for a moment, a smile on her lips. "Um, I thought you were hot in your swim suit." Finally she looked back up at me, then burst out laughing when she did. "Close your mouth, you’ll catch flies that way." My jaw snapped shut.

           "You pervert." I chastised with a smile.

           "I know, I know. Bad Dagny, bad Dagny. Hey, I couldn’t help it, okay? It’s your fault you’re so damn hot!"

           "Well, you know. I just can’t help that fact, and as much as I’d love to take the credit for it, I’m afraid that honor belongs to my parents." We both laughed at that. "Besides, you’re the beauty here, not me."

           "God, we are sappy, aren’t we?"

           "Yup. Did you ever think that would happen to you?"

           "No."

           "Good. Me, either." I looked at her for a moment, then something popped into my mind that had been bothering me for a long time. "Dagny, what happened at the cabin in Colorado?" She looked at her hands for a moment and sighed. "Hey, if you don’t want to talk about it,"

           "No. You have every right to ask, Chase." She looked at me, then reached up to caress the side of my face. "That really hurt you, didn’t it?" I looked down, but refused to answer. "When I saw you at the counseling center, I was confused and worried, but didn’t dare ask you. I was afraid you’d tell me to go fuck myself, which you would have had every right to do, by the way." She smiled, and I smiled back, though it was weak. "I wondered if it was because of me, then I deemed myself not worthy enough to send you into therapy, so I discarded the entire idea." I finally looked at her.

           "I had to understand." My voice was small, I felt small.

           "Had to understand what, honey?" She brought her hand to under my chin and lifted my head so she could look into my eyes.

           "I had to know why. What was wrong with me."

           "So you did go," I nodded. "Oh, Chase." She gathered me into her arms, and I felt wetness against my neck. "I’m so sorry. God, I had never meant to hurt you like that, babe. Please know that." She cried, pulling me almost painfully close to her. "I was being selfish. I needed to figure myself out, and in doing that I forgot about you. I’m so sorry." I wrapped my arms tightly around her, trying to hold the tears inside. I had cried enough, and didn’t want to anymore. I didn’t need to.

           "Don’t cry, Dag. It’s okay." I cradled her head in my hand as I let her cry, though each tear broke my heart a little. "It’s okay."

           "No, it’s not." She pulled away, her eyes wet, face red. "Chase, I hurt you so bad. I pulled away from you at the cabin because it all hit too close to home. What I said that night at Gotfry’s was true, I had wanted that kiss. Who knows," she smiled through her upset. "Maybe that’s why I brought you all the way to the wilderness. We could be ourselves." She wiped her eyes with the hem of her shirt. "But I am sorry. The human heart is not made to experiment on, and yours definitely is in this category." She smiled. "God, how did I get so lucky? I don’t even quite understand all this, yet."

           "I know. Neither do I." I grabbed a napkin off the table from the Chinese place and wiped her tears away. "My parents raised me to believe one way, and to know one thing, fall in love, get married, procreate."

           "Me, too." She laughed nervously. "God, what will my own parents say, Chase?"

           "I don’t know."

           "This would be a fine time for them to care what I’m into." She smiled ruefully. "Yeah, right."

           "Well you know mine are going to care and have something to say about it." Dagny’s face sobered, and she placed her hand on my neck.

           "Oh, Chase. Do you want me to be there with you when you talk to them?" I shook my head, took her hand and kissed the palm.

           "I think it would go over better if I did it myself."

 *  *  *

           I hung up the phone, and leaned back against the pillows that were stacked up against the headboard. I had been at my parent’s house for a week, and it had seemed like an eternity. Dagny and I were on the phone with each other as much as possible, and I snuck out at night on occasion. I hated the fact that I felt the need to play these Cloak and Dagger games, sneaking out like a teenager. But I knew my parents would never understand, and I did not yet have the guts to let them in on the game.

           Dagny had decided to tell her folks about us tomorrow, and we had been trying to figure out a way to get me away from here, on the phone. I stared at the cordless that was still in my hand, my heart hurting as I did not want to be here, but with her back at school, at Gotfry’s, or anywhere else.

           I started at the knock on my door.

           "Come in." I yelled as I tossed the phone aside. My bedroom door opened and Carla peeked around the corner with a smile.

           "Hey, you. Have you been hiding in here all day?" She fully opened the door and stepped inside. I nodded.

           "Yup. When did you get here?"

           "Like," she glanced at her watch, "three hours ago."

           "Oh." I grinned sheepishly. "Sorry." Had I been talking to Dag that long? Oops.

           "So what’s up?" She sat on the bed next to me. "Mom says you’re gone most of the time, and when you are here, you’re not. You okay?"

           "Yeah. I’m fine. So mom told you all that within your first three hours home, huh? Gee, I should feel honored." I ran a hand through my hair.

           "Hey, come on. They’re just worried about you, Chase."

           "Then why don’t they just ask me about it?"

           "I don’t know. Why do they do half the shit they do?" I grinned.

           "Isn’t that the truth. How are you? Where’s Todd?"

           "He’s in Oregon visiting his folks. We’ll catch up in Vegas in a couple weeks to finish out the summer together."

           "Oh, that sounds like fun." I smiled, imagining Dagny and I there, having fun in the sun. I wish we could redo the cabin, spend a romantic weekend there.

           Shaking myself out of thoughts like that with Carla staring at me, I looked at her.

           "So what else did the all-knowing mom and dad have to say?"

           "Stop it, Chase. Don’t talk about them that way."

           "Is it hard being so virginal all the time?"

           "You know what, fuck you, Chase." She stood from the bed. "I really don’t have to listen to this." And headed for the door.

           "Wait, I’m sorry." She looked at me over her shoulder. I could tell she was hurt. "That was shitty, and I’m sorry. They just piss me off. Why don’t they ever snoop in your business like they do mine?" She shrugged.

           "I don’t know. I guess because I’m in med school." She grinned sheepishly, and I grinned back.

           "Guess so. Think I could be your right-hand gal in surgery?"

           "See what I can do." She winked and left. I laid back against my pillows, and stared at the phone next to me. I wanted to talk to her, felt the need to hear her voice. Then to my surprise the phone rang, and was picked up on the first ring. I knew it was my father’s way of trying to keep me off of it. When my name wasn’t called, I figured it was someone else, and got off the bed to be social.

 *  *  *

           I stood at the top of the stairs, my hand on the railing as I tried to think of a good excuse that I hadn’t used yet. I could tell them that I was going to the library. Yeah, right. I’ve never read a book voluntarily at home since I was nine. Okay, library out. How about going to meet with Carrie? No, she went with her parents to Italy for the summer. Um, ah, hell. Fuck it.

           I took a deep breath and headed down the stairs, the front door in my sights. My folks were in the living room just off to the right of the front door, watching some medical documentary with Carla. I grabbed the knob, just about to turn it.

           "Chase? Where are you going?" Damn. Busted. I took a deep breath, getting my courage up again. Goddamn. I was almost twenty-one years old. Why the hell was I so afraid of those people? I knew why.

           "Out. I’ll be back in a bit." I hurried out the door so they couldn’t say or ask anything else, reaching my car and quickly starting her up.

           Dagny was waiting for me when I walked into the apartment. She held out an ice-cold can of Dr Pepper for me and a smile.

           "Hey, you," she said, her voice low, and I felt it low.

           "Hi." I took the soda, but didn’t bother to open it as I walked into her arms. I inhaled, taking in her scent. I could tell that I was going through major withdrawal symptoms since we’d been separated so much over the last week or so, and it was weighing on me heavily. Whenever we were together now I felt her more, and saw more than I did the last time we were together. It was like I was learning to not take her for granted, and was trying to take as much from each encounter as I could.

           "I missed you," she whispered into my neck, her voice soft yet deep, vibrating through my entire body. Her hand ran up my back then down again, and I closed my eyes, reveling in the touch of her hot skin that nearly burned me through the thin material of my shirt.

           "I missed you, too," I said, my voice breaking. I heard her chuckle, and wondered why, but didn’t ask.

           Long moments later Dag stepped back from me and smiled at me. "I’m glad you were able to get away, Chase."

           "Me, too. God I hate this." I ran a hand through my hair. "I’m not a child anymore, and resent the fact that I’m being made to feel like one. It almost feels like they already know and are trying to keep me away from you." I paced back and forth, popping open the can of soda as I did.

           "Do you think that’s what they’d do if you did?"

           "Hell if I know." I looked at her to see she was sitting on the couch now. She patted the spot next to her.

           "Come here, babe. Sit next to me." I walked over to her and plopped down, resting my head on her shoulder. "Maybe you should tell them so it’s out." She grinned. "No pun intended. It might make you feel better. You think?"

           "I really don’t know. It worries me. I mean, they’ve never approved of anything I’ve ever done, so why would they approve of this?"

           "They might surprised you."

           I jumped when the phone rang.

           "That’s probably my folks. My mom said she’d call at this time. She’s in England with my father for the summer." Dagny took a deep breath and picked it up. "Hello? Hey, mom, how are you? Oh, dad’s on the line, too?" She looked at me, fear in her eyes. "Hey, dad. How are you? I’m doing great, wonderfully, in fact. Yes, school was great, and thankfully over with for another year. No, it’s psychology, not sociology. Yeah, well I know it’s been a while since we talked."

           I put my hand on Dag’s leg, rubbed her thigh as she looked down, her shoulders slumping.

           "Yeah, well there was a reason I wanted to talk, yes. Well," she looked at me to gather her courage, swallowed, then proceeded to update her parents on her life. "I’ve met someone. Yes, thank you. I’m happy, yes. Well, you won’t believe it, actually. Um," she glanced at me again. "Do you remember the year we lived here in Tucson, and I babysat the girl down the street? Yes, the Marin girl. Well, um, her name is Chase, and well, it’s her." I could tell she was holding her breath, so I squeezed a bit on her leg, letting her know I was there. She listened for a short time, nodding and saying "Yes, I know" and "okay." Once in a while, then hung up.

           "That’s it?" I looked at her, wondering what the hell. She gently set the phone on the coffee table and sat back on the couch staring straight ahead. "Are you okay, Dag?" She nodded. "Are they okay?" Again, she nodded.

           "A little too okay." She sighed.

           "Well what did they say?"

           "That’s great, honey, be careful. You do know diseases are spread easily. We’d like to see Chase again, and how were your grades." She finally looked at me, and I could see the pain in her eyes. If only it would go this easy with my parents.

           "I’m sorry, Dag." I put my hand on her arm, not sure what she wanted me to do. Did she want or need to be comforted? She fell over against me, her fingers clutching the sleeve of my shirt.

           "Can I ask you a question, Chase?"

           "Of course."

           "Do you think I’m worth more?" I looked at her, not sure what she was asking. When I didn’t say anything, she looked at me. "Am I? Do you care?"

           "Oh, Dag, of course I do." I caressed her face, pushing strands of hair behind her ear.

           "Why don’t they care about what happens in my life? I just told them that I was with a woman, that you and I, well, we’re..." her brows knit together. "What are we?"

           "I don’t know. I’ve wondered that, too." I smiled, so did she.

           "Well, whatever we are, they don’t care. I don’t understand why I’m not good enough."

           "Oh, Dag, God, you are worth so much more than that. Than them." I pulled her to me, cradling her head against my chest. "You are everything, you got that? Your parents just have messed up priorities, but they do love you, Dagny. They honestly do, they just trust you a little too much." She chuckled a little at that but said nothing. "Were you nervous to tell them?" She nodded against my neck.

           "Imagine that."

           "Hey, you didn’t know. You’re so strong, Dag. I know you’re hurt right now, but what does it matter when it comes down to it? You’ve done your own thing your whole life. Why would you stop now?" Dagny took deep breath and gently pulled away from me, staring up into my eyes.

           "Thank you, Chase." She cocked her head to the side. "This may sound stupid or corny, but sometimes I honestly wonder how I’ve done it all this time without you." I looked down, taken aback by the immense compliment. No one had ever said anything like that to me before. Generally I was a hindrance, not an asset.

           "Thank you," I whispered. Dagny moved in and left a soft kiss on my forehead.

           "Anytime."

           I thought all night about what Dagny had done, telling her parents about us. I had been impressed with the ease in which she’d had in doing so, despite her parent’s apathetic attitude toward her life. It still took guts, guts which I needed to find.

           It made me realize just how serious Dagny took this, and took us. We hadn’t told any of our friends about it, well, other then those who saw the whole parking lot exhibition on that rainy night at Gotfry’s. We had kept it quiet, feeling that we should wait.

           I thought a lot about Dagny, a lot about what I was setting myself up for. Carrie hadn’t really discussed her bisexuality with her parents. I wasn’t sure how much they knew, but did know they were thrilled with her choice in Paul, and had embraced him much like they would a son. My parents had embraced Dagny much the same way, but that had been before. Would they make her pay the same price I innately felt I would have to pay?

           Two long days went by, Dagny not able to call as she was with Levy at a weekend conference for grad students that I could not go with her to. It had been absolute torture, and I had walked around the house like a zombie. My family looked at me like I was from Mars, unable to understand what was wrong with me. They finally had stopped asking as they knew there wouldn’t be a straight answer forthcoming. Part of me felt bad as I knew they just wanted to help, but I was not ready to talk about it.

           Different possibilities had gone through my mind periodically. How would they react to the news that my old babysitter and I were an item? I had just mentioned my breakup with Mike in passing, but hadn’t gone into any real detail. My mom would ask once in a while what had really happened, but I had just told her that his direction in life was starting to bother me, and I didn’t want to go that way. She had been thrilled at that answer, and as much truth as there had been in that explanation, it was not the whole truth. I had known even then that he wasn’t what I had wanted. The writing had been on the wall, I just hadn’t gotten my reading glasses out yet.

           My mom had managed to get my father to take a day to go exploring around the Arizona countryside to take some pictures. As usual, we were not invited. Carla and I decided to get a pool party for two started. It was hot, mid-May and already summer temps were showing themselves.

           We cleaned the pool, actually having a great heart to heart in the process.

           "Are you excited to marry Todd?" I asked, skimming the deep end as Carla worked on the shallow.

           "Yes. I’m very excited, albeit very nervous." She smiled at me. "It’s terrifying to think of spending the rest of my life with just one person. Now, not that there’s a line waiting at my door, but it’s just such a strange concept." She stopped for a moment, staring up into the blue sky as she thought about her own words.

           "How did you know, Carla?"

           "Know what, that Todd was the one?" I nodded. "Well, that’s a good question. To be honest I didn’t really like him at first. I thought he was a complete drag." She grinned at the memory. "He didn’t like to have fun, didn’t like to go out or anything. But, I decided to give him a chance, and he is so intelligent. Major turn on for me."

           "Did it make up for the boredom?" I grinned evilly. She glared at me.

           "Be nice. He can be fun once in a while. I’ve just learned to tone myself down." She stared skimming again. "So what about you? I know Mike’s history, so what else is on the horizon? If I didn’t know better, I’d say your moping around here these last couple weeks is you either missing someone or wishing you had a certain someone. So, out with it."

           "Nice choice of words." I muttered.

           "What?"

           "Nothing. Well, I don’t know. There is someone, but I just really don’t think mom and dad would approve."

           "Why?"

           "Well, let’s just say this person isn’t what they would have scouted out for me." I looked at my sister, so badly wanting to be able to trust in her and talk to her. I was so proud of my relationship with Dagny and was pissed off I had to hide it.

           "Hello?" My head turned at the sound of a voice at the back gate. My face immediately lit up when I saw Dag hopping up to try and see over the tall stucco fence.

           "Hey!" I dropped my skimmer and ran over to it to unlatch the gate and let her in.

           "I had to see you," she whispered.

           "I’m so glad you did," I whispered back.

           "Dagny? Hey, how’s it going?" Carla smiled and walked over to us. "Long time no see."

           "Yeah. Glad to be home?" The three of us walked toward the back door of the house.

           "Oh, yes. I really miss this hot weather at school. How on earth anyone can live where the weather is even the slightest bit inclement, I’ll never understand." She smiled. "I just made some lemonade. You guys game?"

           "Please," Dagny begged, wiping sweat off her forehead. My sister hurried into the house, and I turned to Dag. "I have missed you so much, Chase. This weekend nearly killed me."

           "God, me, too. How did you get back so soon?" I tugged her by the arm and lead her a little ways away from the house.

           "I skipped the last lecture, telling Levy I had to go to work."

           "Dag!"

           "I had to see you."

           I pulled her to me in a crushing hug, feeling like I hadn’t seen her in months when it hadn’t even been a full 48 hours. The hug parted, and I leaned in. Her lips were so soft beneath mine. It always amazed me, turned me on, and made me realize just how she had gotten me in her clutches. Dagny’s mouth opened slightly, welcoming me, and I took it. My tongue slid slowly between her lips into the warmth of her mouth, and I heard the tiniest bit of a moan. So tiny I wasn’t even sure it had been there.

           Realizing where we were, I quickly ended the kiss, trying to get my breathing under control.

           "Um, I’m glad you’re here." I said, smiling shyly.

           "Me, too."

 *  *  *

           I sat on my bed, thinking about yesterday and spending time with Dag and my sister. We had had a fantastic time, Carla lending Dagny a suit, and we swam all afternoon, splashing and laughing. My sister and I hadn’t had such quality time together since before we’d understood what sibling competition meant.

           Dag’s appearance at the gate had been a total surprise, and it had made my heart soar almost out of my chest. She really likes me.

           The stupid smile wouldn’t leave my face no matter how hard I tried. When she had gone to leave I had walked her out to Freud, and we had leaned against the SUV and talked. I was to head back to school for the rest of the summer on Friday in time for my show at Gotfry’s, then the summer was mine. Wow.

           I jumped when my bedroom door burst open and my father stood in the hall, his blue eyes, so much like my own, electric and on fire.

           "Come downstairs now," he said, and walked away. I was stunned, broadsided. What the hell had that been about? I stood from the bed and ran a nervous hand through my hair as I made my way downstairs.

           "Don’t do this, mom. Please." I heard Carla crying. Uh oh. My stomach began to churn, and the hair on the back of my neck standing on end.

           "Shut up, Carla. Your part is finished." My mother had also been crying, and her voice was harsh and thick.

           "What’s going on?" I asked as I rounded the bend to the living room. Carla and my mother sat on the couch, my father paced behind them.

           "I should ask you the same thing," he said.

           "I thought I had raised two daughters," my mother nearly growled. I looked at her, stunned and confused. What the hell? "Instead I find out I have raised one daughter and a sick pervert. It’s no wonder you want to go into psychology; you can work closely with those like you."

           "What the hell are you talking about?" I took a step back, feeling like I had just been socked in the gut. Did they know? I felt tears spring to my eyes at the words my own mother just uttered, but I was not about to give her the satisfaction of knowing how deeply she had just cut me.

           "Carla told us," my father said, coming out from behind the couch to stand right in front of me. "You and that Jezebel. And to think we welcomed her into our home with open arms. It’s disgusting."

           My eyes swept the room of my hell until I spotted Carla, looking down and away, still crying silently.

           "Carla? What did you do?" What had she told them? What had she seen? And who the hell was Jezebel?

           "I’m sorry, Chase. I was trying to help you."

           "How!" I nearly roared, feeling my tempest of emotions surging to the surface.

           "Carla saw you and that, that female kissing," my mother said, rising from the couch and coming to stand next to my father. "How could you? You took our trust and you twisted it, twisted our love for you until it is now tarnished. How could you, Chase?" She grimaced. "Even saying your name puts a horrible taste in my mouth, and I will spit the taste out. Like gangrene, your brand of poison must be cut off, eliminated." I stared at my mother, shocked at what I saw in her eyes. "You disappoint me. You make me sick and I wish I had only had one."

           I wanted to vomit. How could one person bring you down so low that you felt you were looking up at the carpet fibers? I felt like everything I had been working for over the past two years had just been blown out the window, as if none of it mattered, none of it was good enough for her. For her. My mother had been the main one my entire life to try and hold me back, to try and keep me down.

           I felt my anger grow and start to explode into colors behind my eyes.

           "We send you to school, we clothe and feed you, give you everything your heart desires," she continued. "We trusted you to go out into the world and do us proud, make good with what you were blessed with." My mother began to tremble with emotion and rage. "Why couldn’t you just do what you were supposed to? Why couldn’t you just listen and be like," she stopped herself, and I managed to meet her eyes after staring down at my feet.

           "Like who? Carla? Your perfect little angel?" I glared over at my sister. "And you," I took a step toward her. "What the fuck were you thinking? Are you a spy for her now?" I pointed to my mother. "Do you really want to be as pathetic as that? You want to know something, Carla? You are like her already. You are a clone, doing exactly what mommy and daddy wanted you to do all your life. How does it feel now? Is it worth it? Just yesterday you told me that you even changed yourself for Todd." I turned to my parents. "What is so special about Carla when there is no Carla?"

           "Chase!" my father bellowed. "Don’t you dare talk to her that way. This isn’t about Carla."

           I looked at him. "Go ahead, dad. Stick up for her again. You stand there, your face red, trying look the part for your wife. Carla’s right, as always. She’s perfect, as always. And of course it’s not about her. She does no wrong. That’s my job." I took a step toward him. "You’re no different. You know, there was a time when we were close, dad. Remember when we’d get up early to make breakfast in bed for mom? Remember those days?" He looked down, then at me.

           "It didn’t have to be this way, Chase." His voice was low, nearly cracking.

           "No, you’re right. It doesn’t, but you don’t have anymore of a spine then Carla does. You have let her warp you." I pointed to my mother. "You’re a jellyfish!"

           He looked at me, hands balled into white-knuckled fists at his side, the veins in his neck standing on end. "How dare you, you ungrateful child."

           "I’m so sorry, Chase. I never meant for this to happen," my sister cried. My head whipped in her direction.

           "Then why the fuck did you open your fucking mouth!?" I turned back to my mother, on a roll now. I had a feeling that this was it, my family was breaking apart, me being the piece that would be breaking off, so what did I have to lose. "My whole life you have told me I was not worthy of the Marin name, I was not worthy to be your daughter. Never, ever was I good enough. In your eyes I was the disappointment of your life!" I took a step toward her, and my mother actually took a step back. God, that felt good to know I had control for once. "I wanted to be loved by you guys, I tried to be everything you wanted me to be. I tried to be fucking Carla! I’m not. I am Chase." I pounded my chest. "And you said you gave me everything my heart desired? That’s fucking bullshit! All I ever wanted from you people was love and acceptance. But you could not do it!"

           "Growing up, despite all of our disappointments in you, I loved you," my mother cried.

           "I sure saw that everyday of my life," I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm.

           "What did I do so wrong to create something like you? To raise a queer," my mother spat.

           "That is the only thing you ever did right, mother. Congratulations," I said with just as much venom. "You wondered why I went into psychology. Well, let me enlighten you. I went into it to maybe be able to figure out what the hell crawled up your ass and died. I wanted to know why you are such an unbearably negative person, and hate yourself so much that you have to let it bleed over into the lives of your kids."

           "Give me your keys." I stared at her, disbelief in my eyes. Without a word I headed up the stairs and burst into my room. My body was buzzing with adrenaline, but I stopped for a moment, looking around. This was the first room I’d ever known, where I had slept my first night home. The decoration was now that of a high school girl, but the feel and memory was still there, and it was still strong. I saw the journal on the bed that Dagny had given me, and I grabbed it along with my keys.

           My father was sitting next to Carla now, comforting her, but my mother had not moved. I thrust them at her, my chin raised in defiance. She took them, found the house key and took it off, tossing the ring back to me.

           "You are no longer welcome here. Let that," she paused, her mouth pursed in disgust, "lesbian bitch of yours take care of you, now." I stared at her, right in the eye. I wanted her to know that no matter what happened to me once I left this house, my childhood home, she would not bring me down. At least, not in her presence.

           "Well," I took a deep breath, the enormity of what had just happened sinking in. "You’ve finally done it. You’ve finally gotten rid of the scourge of the Marin’s. I hope you’re finally happy."

           I felt the smooth leather of the journal in my hand and brought it up for my mother to see.

           "Do you see this? This book is filled with my thoughts and feelings from throughout my entire life. Remember those poems I used to bring home for you to read when I was a kid, the great big shiny stars on the tops from my teachers? The ones you threw away saying they would never get me anywhere," my voice dropped to a level that was scaring even me. "I kept writing, my entire life. I wrote about how you made me feel less then human. I never shared any of them with you. Or you." I looked at my father, who I knew once upon a time would have enjoyed them. "You weren’t good enough to hear them. So instead that lesbian bitch listens to them. She hears me out, and accepts me totally. Oh, her and the people at the bar I’ve sung at every single Friday night for the last two years." My mother’s mouth dropped open, shock and impossibly more disgust filling her face. "Stick that in your annual Christmas letter."

           I glanced around one last time, then turned and walked out of the house.

           My hands were shaking as I tried to unlock my car door, but finally I managed and threw myself inside, sitting behind the wheel with my heart beating in my throat. My god. I had no idea, I. I was at a loss for even thought. It was a relief that it was finally over with, I would no longer have to hide Dagny from them, but then again, it was over altogether. My parents had cut me loose.

           I grabbed the plastic bag I kept for trash, off the glove compartment handle, and finally let go. My stomach emptied itself, throwing out all the pain and hurt with it, tears springing to my eyes with the force.

           Finally finished, I tied the bag up and laid my head back against the headrest, still feeing sick, but knowing I was through. I glanced around until I saw the large garbage can sitting next to the garage. With a small smile, I hurried over to it, dumped the plastic bag in it. My last contribution to the Marin family. I got in my car, and backed out of the driveway.

PART 14

           SOMEHOW I MANAGED to drive to Dagny’s apartment. My eyes were red and swollen as my emotions had finally caught up with me. I stumbled up the two flights of stairs, and reached for the knob, thankful it was not locked. I had been ever grateful to see Freud in the parking lot. I wasn’t sure what I would have done if Dag hadn’t been home, next to hunting her down.

           I stepped into the apartment to find the lights off save for that of the TV screen. Dagny sat on the couch with her feet on the coffee table watching. She turned, startled.

           "Chase?" She jumped up from the cushion and hurried over to me. "My god, what happened? Are you okay?" She gathered me in her arms, and I sank into them, my savior.

           "God, it was so awful," I cried, tears freely falling down my cheeks. I didn’t care if she saw right then. My pride fell to the wayside of my broken heart. Dagny held me, rubbing my back in slow rhythmic circles that eventually helped to calm me.

           "What happened, baby," she asked, pulling away just enough to look into my eyes. Her brows were narrowed with concern, her finger gently brushing away strands of hair, stuck to my face with sweat and tears. Now all I needed was blood and it would be complete. "Do you want to talk about it?" I nodded, wiping my eyes with my hand. "Come on." She lead me to the couch, and pulled me down to half lie on her as she stroked my hair. "Talk."

           "They know." Dagny was silent, but I could hear her heartbeat, steady and slow.

           "Oh. From the look of you I’m guessing it didn’t go over too well." I shook my head, nuzzling in closer to her, the softness of her breasts under my cheek.

           "My parents went ballistic. The sad thing is, I didn’t tell them."

           "How did they find out, Chase?"

           "Carla."

           "What!" She nearly dumped me off the couch as she jumped up. "What do you mean, Carla?"

           "Apparently she saw us kissing. I think it was the day we all swam." I grabbed a tissue from the coffee table’s dispenser, and blew my nose.

           "You mean as in two days ago?" Dag held up two fingers, her eyes on fire. I nodded. "I want to fucking rip her hair out! We had so much fun, then she turns around and fucking stabs you in the back like that? That little bitch!"

           "Whoa, calm down there, captain."

           "Chase, don’t you see? Because of her you had to go through this." She looked at me, her arms out for emphasis.

           "It would have happened anyway, Dag." Why the hell was I protecting the little bitch?

           "Shit." The anger seemed to seep from her ears as she physically deflated, grabbing me again and pulling me to her. "So what else happened?"

           "My mom took my house key." I lowered my head, feeling the weight of people who refuse to understand or see me for me.

           "Oh, baby. God, I can’t believe this. What will happen?" I shook my head.

           "I don’t know. I guess it’s all up to me, now. I’m just grateful that this coming semester of college is paid for."

           "We’ll figure it out, Chase, okay?"

           I remembered all the things I had said, all the things that had been building inside me for so long and I grinned.

           "I did get my say, though."

           "What do you mean, you got your say?" Dag looked at me unsure, a smile waiting to peek out.

           "I told them everything I’ve felt for my entire life. The way they have shit on me, the dumpster of the family. Wow, did they not like that, but that’s life. They’ve never liked to hear the truth, and in fact run from it frequently. It’s really pathetic. You know, I think this was starting to build, and it was just a matter of time before it blew up in their faces."

           "You may be right, baby." Dagny held me tighter against her, her face buried against my skin when I felt warm lips on my neck. "I want you to know something, Chase." She pulled away to look into my eyes. "No matter what happens with them, I’m here for you. Okay? We’ve come too far and fought too hard to lose this now." I looked at her, immensely relieved. That was what I had needed to hear, needed to know. I felt so lost. I knew it would really hit me later, right now I was too busy riding the emotional Merry-Go-Round to really have it hit home.

           "Thank you."

           "Anytime." With the feel of her lips on mine, I knew that was a promise she intended to keep.

 *  *  *

           "Well, Chase, I must say I wasn’t expecting to see you here during the summer time." Sam smiled at me, patting me on the back as he lead me into his office. I sat in my familiar place on the couch, he across from me automatically crossing his right leg over his left. "Did I see you walk in with Dagny Robertson?" he asked, taking his glasses off to polish them. I nodded, trying to hide the ridiculous grin that threatened to break out every time I heard her name.

           "She’s actually the one who got me to come here today."

           "Really? Why is that?"

           "Well, first off, it’s been an interesting couple of weeks. I need to fill you in."

           "Alright." He sat back, watching me patiently, his hands placed neatly in his lap.

           "Well, do you remember the girl?" This time the grin spread across my face smooth as butter. He nodded, an anticipatory grin curling up the corner of his mouth.

           "It, um," I cleared my throat, Sam the only person I had actually officially told. "It all worked out, and, um, well, we’re together." He looked at me for a moment, then completely out of character, sat forward ready for a session of girl talk.

           "I must ask you, Chase. Is it Dagny?" The smile again, followed by a blush and a nod. "Oh, that’s wonderful." He put his hands together, and then patted me on the knee. "I’m so happy for you."

           "How did you guess?" I also sat forward, my curiosity piqued. "And, um, well isn’t this highly unethical?" I raised a brow.

           "Highly, so don’t learn a thing from me. And how did I guess? Well, when I saw you two together a few moments ago, I saw the spark of life and love pass between you two. It’s a wonderful communication that can be seen by all." He sat back in his chair, taking the proper position and smiled.

           "Thanks, doc. I’ll have to remember that." My smile faded as I thought of the other thing that had me sitting on Sam’s couch again. I looked down, my fingers beginning to grab and pull at each other nervously.

           "Chase?" came a concerned voice.

           "Yeah?" I looked up at the doctor’s face that I had come to see as a friend.

           "Are you alright?"

           "I will be, I’m sure." I sat for a moment as I gathered my thoughts and myself. It had been over a week, and it still haunted me; the look in my mother’s eyes, the hatred in her voice. I did not understand where it came from and why I was forced to bear the brunt of it. I broke down in tears on an almost daily basis, and Dagny had done her best to try and help me through it, being there for me, listening to me, threatening to beat the crap out of my parents. Nothing worked.

           "I want you to see Dr. Roth, Chase. Please?" Finally, grudgingly, I had said yes.

           Now as the doctor waited patiently for me to explain, I thought about my childhood. I had felt taken care of, safe and settled and loved. But no matter how hard I try, and how hard I looked back, I had never felt like I had belonged. I had always felt like an outsider to the clique, the new kid on the block that just didn’t look like the other sheep.

           "My parents found out about me, about us, last week," I finally muttered. "It didn’t go well."

           "So, they found this out because you told them." I shook my head.

           "No. My sister saw Dagny and I kiss. Apparently she felt she was helping me out by telling our parents."

           "She wanted to tell them for you?"

           "Oh, hell, Sam, Carla hates me! She is the absolute apple of my parents’ eye and what better way to secure her place in the family lore as the great white hunter than to shroud me in even more disgrace and disgust to my parents." I jumped up from the couch and began to pace the office, finding my way to the window to stare out over the nearly empty campus. "My mother made me give her my house key, and she said some pretty awful things to me."

           "How did you react?" I smiled.

           "I blew up. I told them everything I had felt and thought for so long. I called my father a jellyfish." I chuckled and turned to look at the psychiatrist over my shoulder. He was smiling, her fingers thoughtfully stroking his chin. "Did you forget to shave for like the last twelve mornings, there, Sam?" He smiled and nodded.

           "I’m growing my yearly beard. Soon I’ll get tired of it and cut it off."

           "I don’t get men and their fetish with facial hair. And women with chest hair. What is up with that?" Sam looked at me like I was crazy. "Sorry. Anyway, I gave my mother the key, said some mean things, and left the house."

           "How long ago did this happen?"

           "Last Tuesday."

           "Your sister."

           "What about her?" I made my way back to the couch and flopped back into the soft cushions. I ran my hand through my hair as my nervousness returned. Why was I here? I really didn’t want to be talking about this at all. I liked Sam a whole lot, but I just wanted to push this all down and forget about it. I wanted to attempt to get my own life started with Dagny, finish school and start etching out my niche in life.

           "Chase?"

           "What?" I looked at Sam, irritated at being ripped from my reverie.

           "Maybe we should end the session for today. What do you think?" He leaned forward, smiling at me with understanding. I lowered my head, feeling bad but nodded.

           "I’m sorry, Sam."

           "Don’t be. This is not an easy thing you’re going through, hon. Listen, do you have anyone you can talk to? Anyone perhaps who’s a little older that you trust, maybe who has gone through the same thing?" I shook my head. "Well, if you need to talk to someone your own age, let me know. I know a few people." He smiled and stood, as did I.

           "Thanks, Sam. I really appreciate what you’re trying to do for me. I’m sorry I’m being a pain in the ass." He patted me on the back as I opened the door to his office.

           "Don’t you worry about it. You’re a good kid and deserve better then this."

           I snorted. "Says you." With another pat he sent me on my way before calling me to him again.

           "I hear you’re a psych major. How far do you plan on taking it?"

           "I don’t know. I just barely figured out that I was a closeted psych major." I smiled and winked.

           "Well, if you decide to take it all the way, I’d absolutely love to be your mentor." A grin spread across my face from ear to ear.

           "Really?" He nodded. "That’s really cool." I muttered. "Thanks, doc."

 *  *  *

           I drove to the apartment, my mind working on what Sam had said. Who did I know that I could talk to? Dag had said something similar, thinking maybe I should talk to someone who has gone through this crap with their families. Where does one go to find such a friend? Advertise in the local paper, calling all people with assholes for parents? Worked for me.

           I was ever grateful to whichever god had given me great foresight, however unexpected. I had taken very little with me to my parents house as I had only planned to be there for two weeks. Most everything was left at the apartment. I had only lost a few articles of clothing. Better then Than or Melo. I would have really had to hurt someone, then.

           I parked toward the back of the lot at the apartment, and took my keys from the ignition, tossing them up in the air only to catch them again. I looked at them as they shone in the sunlight, one key in particular shining the brightest. An instant smile spread across my face as I thought back to when Dag had presented me with my very own key. I looked at it, running my finger over the newly sharpened teeth of it. How could some aspects of your life be so fucking awful, yet others were so incredible they didn’t seem real? I didn’t get it.

           I looked around the empty apartment, Dagny gone to work with Levy on a project for the upcoming year. I felt different somehow, being in this place without her. I felt totally at home here, Dagny going out of her way to make it feel as if this were my place, too. I would start helping her with rent shortly. I still needed to talk with Greg about getting more hours at Gotfry’s. I needed all the money I could get to save up for the year ahead. I would start my junior year come September.

           I plopped down on the couch, the energy seemed to just drain from my body. What was I doing? Was it the right thing? Why the hell couldn’t I just be like everyone else, my parents supporting me on all that I did. I knew my mom wanted Carla and I to get married and have her grandchildren. We were not kids to her but merely trophies.

           I brought my hands to my face, trying to hide from the painful truth that my mother did not love me for me. She loved me for what she could get out of me, how proud I could make her and how much she could brag to her friends. Why? And how had my father, a strong guy in his own right, allowed her to bring him down just as low? Carla and I had never had a chance, but he did. Why does he stay with her? He’s the major breadwinner, so you know it sure as hell isn’t for the money.

           I felt the tears coming, again. I had cried more in the last six months then I had in the last twenty years. I let them come. I wanted to wash out all the memories, all the pain and disappointments, all the pressures. There was absolutely nothing I could do now save for maybe turning into mini Carla in the night. That wasn’t going to happen, and I knew it.

           Dagny had told me to unpack all my stuff today, settle in. So, I swiped impatiently at my eyes and blew my nose, then started the most unpleasant task. I hated moving, but since I’d gone to college it seemed that’s all I had done.

           Dagny’s family had moved all over the country her entire life, once even doing a nine month stint in Italy when she’d been a baby. I had been born in the house on Ute Drive, and had lived there until the day I left to go live in the dorms at UA. It was a strange thought that I would never live there again, or probably visit again.

           I shook the thought out of my mind as I put a Melissa Etheridge CD in the stereo and started in on the first box, unpacked it and started on a second, leaving a pile of broken down boxes in the middle of the floor. I sang along with the lyrics at the top of my lungs, really getting into the groove when I came upon some loose papers and trash in one box.

           Sitting on the floor with my legs stretched out in front of me, I began to go through it, tossing old notes and tests aside, scrap pieces of paper with doodles that I could no longer tell what they were meant to be. Hey, I was a singer not an artist. Under the Ayn Rand book, which my mom would never see again, I found a small white card. Picking it up I realized it was a business card. I saw that it was Jenny Carlson’s card, and when I flipped it over saw Joie had written her name also and their home phone number.

           Tapping the card against my thumb, my wheels began to turn. I pocketed the card and continued unpacking, trying to find a place for everything. The problem was that the apartment was small and I hated clutter, and knew Dagny hated it with a passion, so how to make everything fit. Like a jigsaw puzzle, I worked steadily throughout the day. I even managed to find a place for my Care Bear, a relic left over from childhood. I stuck him in the fireplace next to Dagny’s penguin.

           Piled high with crushed boxes, I made my way noisily down the flights of stairs to the back door and out to the trash dumpster. Wiping my hands on my shorts, I glanced up at the sky, which was steadily becoming darker and darker. It had taken me nearly six hours to get everything put away.

           I leaned against the building, my mind going to Dagny. I knew she’d be home soon, and I couldn’t wait to see her. I thought of her face, her eyes and especially her mouth. My eyes closed as I imagined her kissing me, her lips soft and pliant, on my neck, my shoulders, everywhere. I wanted her so bad my body boiled at least one hundred times a day.

           We slept in the same bed every night, our bodies entwined together, but I never made a move. I didn’t think she was ready for that, and I had no clue what the hell I’d do if given the chance.

           "God, make me behave!"

           With a very heavy sigh, I pushed off the wall and took the business card out of my back pocket, and re-read it as I made my way inside.

           My palms were sweaty as I picked up the phone, my eyes locked on the numbers on the card, written in blue ink. Would she be mad? No, then why would she have given us her number? I bit my lip, almost painfully hard, as I dialed the numbers. It was early evening their time, so I hoped they’d be home.

           Ring…

           Am I doing the right thing?

           Ring…

           God, I feel like an idiot.

           Ring…

           Okay, not home. I took the phone from my ear when I heard the click of the receiver being picked up.

           "Shit." I put the phone to my ear to hear a woman’s voice yelling at someone.

           "Nate! Let go of the dog, let go, now. Good boy." A sigh. "Sorry about that whoever you are. Hello?" I smiled, completely amused.

           "Um, hi. Is this Joie?"

           "Cameron, is that you again? Now, I told you I’d have to bench you if you call for Jenny one more time. She’s taken, hon." I was nearly giggling, now, well, once I got past the surprised. Wow, what a psycho this Cameron must be.

           "Um, well, no. This is Chase Marin." Silence. "Ah jeez, I’m sorry for bothering you." I felt really stupid as Joie obviously had no idea who I was. Why would she? Hell, I’d met her a year ago!

           "No, no. How goes it, Chase? How’s Dagny doing?" A smile slowly spread. She remembers me, yahoo!

           "Uh, well, I hung in there." I grinned into the receiver.

           "You dog! Good for you. So all’s well, then?" I could hear Nathaniel running around and laughing in the background along with a barking dog. "Wow, it must sound like World War III around here, eh?" She laughed. I nodded, then realized she can’t see me.

           "Yeah. New dog or something?"

           "Well, kind of. Anyway, so what’s up, kiddo? It’s great to hear from you. How did it happen?"

           I told her the entire story from beginning to finish. Joie made comments or laughed or sympathized as I went along.

           "Wow, that’s is awesome that she finally got a clue. I tell you, when I first saw Jenny at that party, oh man. She had me right there." Her voice was filled with awe and I hoped that Dagny and I would be an eighth that happy in another nine years. "It was worth the wait, Chase. I’m sure you’ve found it was, too."

           "Oh, yeah." I couldn’t keep the love out of my voice, and she chuckled at it. "But, there is one problem." I took a breath, looking around for something to play with as I sat on the couch talking to Joie. I saw my inflatable guitar not far, so grabbed it. "My parents now know."

           "Uh oh."

           "Yeah,"

           "Are they talking to you?" she asked, her voice low and concerned.

           "Talking to me? Hell, they took my house key away."

           "Aw, man. Listen, can I tell you a story?"

           "Sure." I found the little tube that pulls out of the guitar to inflate or deflate it. I picked at it with my fingers, needing somewhere for my nervous energy to go.

           "My folks live in Florida, have for many years. My dad was some big wig in his time, and made lots of money, which meant lots of friends and lots of people to impress. My older brother, Tommy and I were so close, I mean this guy was my hero all my life. He was eight years older and protected me from parents who didn’t like that their daughter wasn’t the perfect little debutant they had tried to raise. Tommy was the good kid, I was the stupid one." I laughed, understanding that.

           "Oh, yeah. I hear you." She chuckled then continued.

           "Hockey was our lives. My brother got into it first as a kid, then when I got old enough I would play against him until I got as good as he was." She sighed sadly. "Then he went off to college in Washington state, and I was lost without him. I had centered my identity so much around him I didn’t know what to do with myself, and my parents had no idea what to do with me. I mean, check this out, rich man has a gay daughter who likes to have fun and play hockey."

           "Yeah, I’m sure their friends were in awe." She laughed outright.

           "You got that right. You should have seen, I would steal Tommy and my father’s clothes. I was the perfect little boy-wannabe." I erupted in laughter, imagining little Joie dressed up like big brother. "Now, if you think I’m lying, I should send you a picture of me in college. God, what was I thinking?"

           "Comfort?"

           "Oh, Chase!" she roared. "You hit it right on the head, girl. Oh man, you’re fun. Anyway, so, Tommy left home, and that’s when the shit really started to hit the fan with my parents. My mom tried and tried to turn me into a little miniature version of herself. You know like Dr. Evil and Mini Me or something." I laughed, totally understanding.

           "See, for me it was them trying to turn me into my sister, Carla."

           "Oh, that’s bad. So I fought with them constantly, started getting into trouble, doing stupid stuff just to piss them off." I chuckled as I heard Jenny yelling at Joie not to curse in front of the baby. "Oops. Anyway, so then when I was fifteen my world was absolutely shattered." Joie’s voice lowered, and I could tell a more serious tone was coming into the conversation. "Tommy was playing in a game, kicking butt as usual, but got blindsided by a player on the other team. The doctor counted thirteen cracks in his helmet."

           I sat back against the back of the couch, my fingers stilled on the plastic guitar. I could almost feel the pain radiated off of Joie in waves.

           "He was all I had."

           "Ah, Joie. Damn, I’m sorry."

           "Yeah." She was quiet for a moment, and I swore I heard her sniffle. "So anyway, after he died the family tension got even worse, and I decided that in order to get out of there and not end up on the street I’d have to go off to college. Besides, I wanted to play for the Panthers at Washington State University. So, that’s exactly what I did. Of course my folks helped things along by kicking me out after graduating high school." She chuckled lightly.

           "So what happened?"

           "Well, my father sent me money every single month, a stipend to keep me away. I stayed clear across the country, they’d pay for me to live and go to school."

           "My god. They, like, bribed you."

           "That’s exactly what they did. Hell, I didn’t care. By that point I was so bitter." She snorted. "Hell, they hated me playing hockey."

           "Because of Tommy?"

           "Hell, no! Because it’s not a lady-like thing to do. My mother has not said a nice word to me since I was twelve. They do come up once a year for Nathaniel’s birthday, though."

           "That’s something."

           "Yeah. I saw them for the first time two and a half years ago. Chase, they had no idea what was going on in my life, they didn’t even show up at my college graduation."

           "You’re not giving me much hope here, Joie." She chuckled.

           "Hey, I won’t lie to you, kid. It’s tough, and what I’ve learned out of life is that when your own family turns their backs on you and don’t support you, you have to create your own. That’s exactly what you’ve started to do with Dagny."

           "So this is it, then?" I asked, feeling abandoned all over again.

           "Who knows. I don’t mean to be a drag, Chase, but I don’t know your folks or what’s up their asses, oops, I mean their rear ends. Sorry, babe." I grinned. Can I have your life someday, Joie?

           "How have you dealt with it?"

           "Don’t have much choice. I tell you, if having my family in my life on a normal or regular basis meant that I had to change my life and who I am, I wouldn’t do it. Jenny and Nate are my family, now. I love them with all my heart and would do anything for them. They’re what matter, now. I promise you, Chase. You will get to that point, too. This is still a new, fresh wound for you." I tossed the guitar aside, wishing I had Dagny with me instead.

           "Thank you, Joie. I really appreciate you talking to me, I mean, I’m sure you’re busy and didn’t really wake up this morning with the need to relive your life."

           "Hey, not a problem. I will gladly talk to you anytime, you got it?"

           "Yeah."

           "Jenny says hi, too."

           "Hi right back at her. Well, um, I better get going. Thanks again."

           "Anytime."

           I hung up with the hockey coach, and stared out at the room. Come home, Dag. I need you.

           Dagny had warned me earlier that it would be a very long day, so I was not worried yet, just agitated as I wanted her with me. Joie’s words and experiences had served two purposes: one, it gave me hope for my future. Two, it made me realize my relationship with my family was probably screwed.

           I lay down, staring up at the ceiling, my inflatable guitar back in hand. I strummed the plastic strings made into the face of the guitar, imagining in my head what I was playing. As I thought about our conversation, I did feel better knowing that I wasn’t the only defective kid out there. It still hurt and I knew it would be one hell of an uphill battle, but all in all I was free now, and didn’t have to hide or play games anymore. Plus, I had Dagny in my life.

           I took a deep breath and let it out slow. It was time for me to stop concentrating on the bad stuff. There was nothing that I could do to change their minds, so why beat myself up over it?

           Feeling like I had found some peace for the first time in weeks, I snuggled against the soft cushions, and closed my eyes.

           I felt her skin beneath my hands, soft and smooth, almost hot to the touch. She moaned my name as I explored her body with just my hands, not even my eyes. I traced the lines of her face, trailing down her throat to her collar bones and down further. I felt her fingers tighten their grip on my arm as I took a breast into my hand, amazed at how impossibly soft it was. I felt her press herself up into me.

           "Chase, yes,"

           "Chase? Wake up, baby." My eyes popped open to see Dagny sitting on the edge of the couch, her hand on my stomach. I smiled.

           "Hey, you. I missed you today."

           "I missed you, too, baby." She leaned down and kissed me on the lips. My dream coming back to me, I brought my hand to her arm, trailing my fingers down it until I reached her fingers, tracing the skin, over her knuckles, to her fingernails, back up again. I looked up into her eyes, seeing them look back at me. She readjusted herself so she was closer to me. She brought her other hand up to my face, pushing hair behind my ear, then caressing down my cheek.

           "How was your day?" I asked, my voice breathy, surprising myself as it sounded like it belonged to someone else entirely.

           "It was good, long." She leaned down just the tiniest bit. "But it’s so much better now." She brushed her lips gently across my forehead, my eyes closing as I took in her scent. "Much better," she whispered as her kisses made their way down my temple and across my cheek, stopping at the tip of my nose, then moving down. "How was yours?"

           "I don’t know," I mumbled just before her lips met mine. I brought my hand up and lost my fingers in her hair, gently pulling her down a bit more, aching for the kiss to deepen. Dagny moved herself so she was nearly laying on top of me, her upper body pressed to mine. Her lips opened the slightest bit, mine doing the same, but the kiss was kept at a slow, luxurious pace, our mouths working together, a bottom lip sliding in between top and bottom then back out again only to find its way in warmth again.

           Dagny moaned slightly as she opened her mouth a little more, just brushing my lips with her tongue. It was my turn to moan as I responded, my tongue meeting hers before it slipped inside her mouth.

           "Baby," she whispered as she slid more of her body on top of mine. My mind and body were reeling, so many thoughts and sensations going through my head. I was kissing Dagny, hell I was making out with her. I was kissing a woman. Whoa. It was a strange thought, all that lovely childhood conditioning coming back, but I blocked it out. This felt right and true. More right then anything in my life.

           I ran my hands from Dagny’s hair down to her back, running my hands all over her, feeling the material of her tank under my fingertips, that itched to feel the bare skin beneath, but not daring. If Dagny gave me the go ahead, I’d gladly go where no woman had gone before.

           Ring, ring, ring

           Dag stopped, broke the kiss but leaned her forehead against mine.

           "Saved by the bell, huh?" She smiled, her breathing heavy. All I could do was nod. Finally getting herself together, Dag stood and grabbed the cordless off the coffee table.

           As she answered it, I sat up, trying to get myself under control, straightening my hair and shirt that had become wrinkled from Dagny’s body. Oh, Dagny’s body. I closed my eyes as I recalled her lips on mine, her hands on me, her body on mine. Oh, cruel, cruel world.

           Dagny sat down next to me turning the phone off and setting it back on the table.

           "Who was that?" I asked, doing my damndest to keep my hands to myself. I finally had to resort to sitting on them.

           "Some idiot phone salesman." She glanced down over at me, then down at my hands, a slow, very sexy smile spreading across her face. "You alright, there?" I nodded, probably a little too vigorously. Her smile grew wider. "I’m going to take a shower. I’ll be right back, then maybe we can catch some dinner. I’m starving." She patted my leg, kissed my neck, and stood to head for the bathroom.

           I watched her go, the jean shorts she wore fitted just so, nicely emphasizing that incredible body of hers. Her tank was black and ribbed and tight. I clenched my fists, trying not to groan. It was getting harder every day to behave. As my feelings and love grew for Dagny, so did my need for her.

           The door to the bathroom closed, and my heart slowed. Well, sort of.

           I sat back on the couch, ran my hands through my hair then went in search of a hair tie to pull it all back away from my face. My hands needed something to do, the energy surging through my body at a mad dash. I checked my pockets but found nothing. Shit. Looking around the table and floor, I still had no luck. My eyes drifted to the bathroom door. I knew behind that slab of wood was an entire bag full of them, but Dag was in there. She was in there naked getting ready to take a shower.

           I stood, but stayed where I was, my eyes still locked on the door. My legs wanted to move me toward it, but I had to will them to stop until I could think about it rationally. I could easily just open the door once she got under the water, which she had just turned on, reach my hand blindly out to the back of the toilet where the bag was.

           Dagny wouldn’t mind, I knew. There was a shower curtain in there, granted it wasn’t one of the opaque kind. But still, she wouldn’t get mad.

           Making up my mind with a nod, I headed to the bathroom door, knocking softly.

           "Yeah?" was yelled above the water. I opened the door just enough to be heard.

           "Dag, I need to grab a hair tie."

           "Go ahead, babe. You don’t have to ask." Yes I do.

           I pushed the door open all the way, and stepped inside. I tried to avert my eyes. Yeah, right, Chase. You really did. The light shone down on Dagny as she rinsed her hair, her head back, arms raised as her hands smoothed the blonde strands back. My eyes slid down her wet body to her neck, her shoulders, and finally her breasts. Oh my god, those breasts. The nipples were hard from the hot water, and I literally felt my mouth start to water. Never in my life had I seen or touched another woman’s breasts, and I had no idea really what I’d do with hers, but god I wanted the chance.

           My eyes traveled further, down her stomach, so beautiful, and on lower to unbelievably beautiful legs, one bent just slightly as her body moved with the motion of her hands and moving her head under the water.

           My gaze traveled back up her body, just as slowly until I reached her face only to find her staring at me. Oh shit! I panicked for a moment, but then it swiftly seeped out my ears when I saw the look on her face. She was looking intently into my eyes, her own on fire. My body filled with heat and cravings that I had never known. My heart began to beat double time, the blood pounding in my ears.

           Suddenly feeling the need to escape, I grabbed the hair ties, and fled. I hurried out to the kitchen and opened the window above the sink. I needed some air and to cool off. I barely recognized my body anymore, and definitely didn’t fully understand what it was going through, or where it was taking me, but I had decided to sit back and enjoy the ride. But damn was it taking its time.

           We laid in bed, both on our backs staring up at the ceiling. I think we knew what was starting to happen, and were both feeling the heat. I was afraid to touch her, not sure what I might do. Then I felt her hand on mine.

           "Chase?"

           "Yes?" I was almost waiting for her to yell at me for the shower incident. I had already come in here, getting ready for bed when she finally got out of the bathroom. She hadn’t said a word, just brushed out her hair, and laid down.

           "Have you ever done anything with a woman before?"

           I turned to look at her; she was still staring up at the ceiling. She began to caress my fingers, and the skin of my hand. Her touch was soft and gentle.

           "No." I admitted. "You?" She shook her head. "Did you ever want to?"

           "You know, I had never really thought about it, to be honest. I had found different women attractive, or sexy. You know, but I just never went that far with my thoughts." She looked at me, a smile on her face. "Until now." I smiled back.

           "Yeah. When we were younger and Carrie would talk about this girl or that, and the stuff she’d do with them, it didn’t bother me, but it didn’t really do anything for me, either. You know?"

           "Oh, I understand completely. But I did always think the female body was absolutely beautiful and incredible. Oh, I had this swimming coach one time when I was about thirteen. Damn," She began to run her hand up and down my arm. "It amazes me how soft your skin is. Anyway, Mary was her name. She was probably about twenty-five at the time."

           "Ah, the older woman." I grinned.

           "Yeah, something like that." She smacked my hand playfully. "She was just beautiful." She looked at me for a moment, "You know, you actually remind me a lot of her, your coloring."

           "Is that a good thing?"

           "Oh, yes. A very good thing." She smiled, taking my hand and bringing it to her lips, kissing the palm. "What do you like, Chase?"

           My brows drew. "What do you mean? Like between peas and corn?"

           "You nut. No, sexually."

           "Oh." That stopped me cold. I suddenly felt very embarrassed, not one to really share my sexual history or likes. When Mike and I had sex, it was good, and I enjoyed it, but it never seemed to get me to the place where he was taken. I was afraid it was just me, so didn’t really talk sex with my friends, not even Carrie, though she felt the need to tell me plenty. "Well, hmm." I thought for a moment. This entire last year or so I had been thinking specifically of Dagny sexually, and sure as hell not myself. "I can tell you one thing that I’m really not a fan of."

           "What’s that?"

           "Well, you know, like when the guy, or you or whatever goes, well, inside."

           "Penetration?"

           "Yeah. I’m not such a fan of that."

           "Really?" I looked at her. Was that a bad answer? "That’s funny, because neither am I." She smiled at me, and so did I, completely relieved.

           "Oh. Good. I thought maybe I was defective or something."

           "No. Maybe it just means you were meant to be with women." She smiled and winked, placing my hand on her tank-clad stomach as she continued to play with it. "Darrel always had a difficult time with me. See, I’m very sensitive down there, but only in certain areas, so it takes a definite knowing touch, and it takes a long time." She rolled her eyes. "God, he used to get so irritated with me."

           "You’re kidding. Why?" I turned onto my side, leaning on my arm, suddenly feeling intrigued, wanting to know what would please Dagny.

           "Well, it took a long time as I said, and he would get tired. He’d do his thing, you know, inside and all that, but then I was nowhere even near finished." She chuckled. "Poor guy."

           "Yeah, but he shouldn’t have gotten irritated at you for it."

           "No, probably not. But overall he handled it fine." It felt really strange hearing about my, well, I guess my girlfriend, talking about having sex with her ex-boyfriend. It kind of creeped me out, and certainly didn’t help in the jealousy department. "What about you and Mike? Was he the only guy you ever slept with?" I shook my head.

           "No, but the first real boyfriend I had. The other one was just to pass the time."

           "Oh." She sounded surprised. "I didn’t realize. God, Chase you’re so young. How many people have you slept with?"

           "Only two." I smiled. "There was only one other before Mike."

           "Well, what did you like that they used to do?" An adorable smile spread across Dag’s face, the curiosity palpable.

           "Well, sometimes Mike would be between my legs, and he’d well, he’d just kind of rub against me. Know what I mean?" She nodded. "God, I loved that. Another thing that I love, and this is kind of silly, but I love nails on my skin. Not the hard, S&M type, but just to gently run along my arm or something," I closed my eyes thinking of the sensation it caused, imagining Dag doing something very similar. Oh, Dag. The more we talked about this, the more my body began to respond to it.

           "I also have extremely sensitive breasts." My eyes automatically traveled there. They were so beautifully pronounced through the thin material of the tank. God, I just wanted to… Grrrr.

           "Mine can be, it just depends."

           "On?"

           "How it’s done. I need a certain speed and certain amount of pressure."

           "God, I’d really like to know what." I looked at Dagny to see if she had said what I thought she had said. She was staring up at the ceiling, biting her bottom lip. "We should get some sleep, Chase," she finally said, her voice low and husky, driving a shiver right through my entire body.

 *  *  *

           A few days and restless nights later, we strolled along the streets around campus, in the mood to shop. Dag ran her hand up and down my arm as we walked and talked. I told her about my conversation with Joie and all her wisdom that she imparted over the phone. I also told her about Joie’s own troubled past and snobbish, uncaring parents.

           "God, is it just rampant? Are there no parents out there at all who accept their kids?" Dagny asked, an edge to her voice.

           "I don’t know. If there are, send them my way." She chuckled, hugged me as we walked on, turning onto 4th Avenue.

           "Hey, want to go in there?" I looked to see where she was indicating, and saw the big glass-fronted store.

           "Antigone Books." I looked in the window, seeing people milling about. "Sure. You’ve never been in here before, miss reader of the masses?"

           "Well, no. I always wanted to, but, um, well, I just never got the guts to go." I looked at her, confused.

           "Why not?" She pointed to a stack of books near the door. Lesbian Erotica. "Oh." We giggled like little girls as we walked in, holding onto each other as if a huge lightning bolt would come down from the ceiling and fry us both for being in a bookstore that had lesbian books in it. "Have you ever read anything like this?" I asked, looked at a rack of bumper stickers. Dagny shook her head.

           "No. I’ve always wanted to, though." I looked at her. "Hey, I’ll read anything. Besides, I was just curious."

           "Uh huh." She smacked me on the arm. "Ow." We wandered around, Dagny snooping around the books, me checking out the cards they had.

           "Oh, this looks good." I turned to see her reading the back of a book. "How sad. These girls have been friends for a long time, then one dies." She opened it up and began to flip through it, reading different parts of it. "Oh, I have to get this."

           "What is it?"

           "It’s called First by some woman with a very odd last name."

           "So, um, this will your first lesbian novel?" I nearly whispered. She grinned.

           "It’s not a sin, Chase. I want to see what they’re like. My freshman year of college, my roommate used to read books like this all the time."

           "Was she?"

           "I don’t know. Well, I didn’t know at the time, but looking back on it now, I’d bet my life on it." She grinned, tucking the novel under her arm as we continued to look around.

           "Oh my god, Chase, come here." Dagny grabbed my sleeve, nearly pulling me off my feet to look at the book she was pouring over.

           "Holy shit!" I covered my mouth to see if anyone nearby was looking at us, then turned back to the book in Dag’s hands. It was filled with pictures of women in various sexual positions. "Can you actually do that?" I whispered, moving in so we were both huddled around the book.

           "I guess. They sure as hell are."

           "What is this?" She closed the front cover to let me read.

           "What is the Lesbian Kama Sutra?" She shook her head.

           "I don’t really know, but it’s kind of cool."

           "Can I help you, ladies?" We both jumped, Dagny nearly dropping the book as we turned to see an amused woman standing behind us, her hands behind her back as she looked from one of us to the other.

           "Oh, um, no. Thanks." Dag smiled. I was grateful she had been able to speak because I couldn’t quite breathe yet.

           "If you need anything, I’ll be over there."

           "Thanks." The woman gave one last glimpse to the book in Dag’s hands, then walked away chuckling. "How utterly embarrassing."

           "Oh, come on. If she works here, she’s probably gay, and you know she’s probably had sex at least once."

           "Yeah, but still." Dagny looked around to make sure we were alone again, then opened back up to the page we had been on.

           "God I feel like a kid looking at my dad’s Playboy magazines." I grinned.

           "I know. Me, too." Dagny nearly giggled at our badness. It didn’t take long before our heads were pressed together again as we took in the pictures and descriptions before our virgin eyes.

           An hour later we left the store, both of us toting a bag filled with books, some rainbow buttons that I planned to stick on my guitar strap, and, of course, the Lesbian Kama Sutra.

           The time was coming quickly, and I think we both knew it.

 *  *  *

           "Put something good on the stereo." Dagny called from the kitchen. Incredible smells of chicken and seasoning wafted into the living room.

           "Okay." I knelt down, turning the tuner until I found something I liked. I smiled, stood and walked to the kitchen. "May I?" Dag turned to me, seeing my hand extended to her, and she smiled back, taking it. I lead her to the living room where we stopped in front of the fireplace.

           "Good choice," she said. We began to dance slowly as Art Garfunkel sang about the troubled waters and how he’d be a bridge to cover them.

           "It’s still true, you know," I said, putting my hand on her lower back, my other one clasped with hers. She smiled.

           "Oh, it’s always been true for you, too, baby," she said, bringing her hand up from my shoulder to brush my cheek with the back of her fingers. "I’ll always be here for you, Chase."

           "So will I." I stared down into the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. She was amazing and gorgeous, and mine. I still didn’t understand it. I didn’t care. To me it wasn’t about understanding, or not understanding. It was pretty much black and white. I was with Dagny, long battle fought, I finally won.

           "I want to spend my life with you," she said as our bodies slowly swayed together. Sway, sway. "I want you always to be with me, to share everything with you. You have given me so much, showed me so much of what life and love could be." She began to trace the features of my face.

           "Love?" I asked, my voice barely a whisper. She smiled, nodded slowly.

           "Yes. Love. I love you, Chase." I stared at her, my heart leaping into my throat.

           "You do?" She smiled and nodded.

           "Yes."

           "God, I love you, too." I pulled her to me, the music and dance forgotten.

           "Say it again, Chase," she begged, her voice thick.

           "I love you, Dagny. I love you so much." She clung to me as if for dear life. I buried my face in her hair, and realized in that moment that what I had been waiting for my entire life was right here. Joie was right, you move on and build your own life, make your own family. This was the person I wanted to do that with.

           I pulled back from her a little, but just enough to look into her eyes, show her how much I loved her. I brought my fingers up to lift her chin slightly, my eyes trailing down to her mouth, the lips parted just a bit, a nervous tongue slipping out to run across a bottom lip. I looked back up to her eyes to see she was also looking at my mouth.

           Killing the distance between us, I moved in a bit more until our lips barely touched, brushing together. Dagny took a step closer, our bodies melded together, her hands reaching up into my hair as the kiss deepened. I wrapped my arms around her waist, pulling her ever closer, wanting her inside me, inside my spirit.

           Dagny put her hands on the back of my head to bring my mouth closer, hers opening wider for me, taking me in. My hands began to grow restless, and started to move, feeling the texture of Dagny’s shirt move beneath my fingers. They slid down her back to her butt, the sweat shorts she wore loose-fitting and soft. I took it into my hands, squeezing. Dag moaned, which turned my blood to lava.

           I broke the kiss and leaned my head down, heading for a long, smooth neck. She raised her head for me, eyes closed as she gripped my shoulders. My mouth explored the planes and curves of her throat, my tongue tasting the salty skin.

           "God, Chase," she groaned as I nipped the skin just below her ear with my teeth. She dug her fingernails into my skin. I took her earlobe into my mouth, which got me another groan and the slight thrusting of her hips. Oh, pay dirt. I sucked a little harder, running my tongue all along the edge until I found a soft little spot right behind where her hoop earring sat. "Jesus!" Her body jerked in response, and I did a little happy dance inside as she clung even harder, her hips trying to find some sort of purchase against me. My hands began to explore, feeling the smooth roundness of her butt, up her back, resting on her hips as my mouth continued, moving from ear to neck to throat to mouth.

           Dagny reached down and grabbed my hand, placing it just at the bottom of the hem of her tee shirt. Taking my cue, I brought my hand slowly up, wiggling my fingers under the material to feel the hot skin beneath. If I didn’t know better I would have thought she had a fever. Soon my other hand joined the first, feeling the skin of her stomach, running my fingertips over it then gliding up over ribs. My progress was stopped by the feel of the underwire of her bra. I sucked in a breath, knowing what was hidden just beyond that silky material.

           I looked into Dagny’s eyes, seeing what she wanted me to do. I knew by the intensity of those green eyes, she wanted it all. I leaned in and kissed her softly as my fingers began to play all along the edge of that bra, following the path around to her back where I felt the clasp. I didn’t want to unhook it just yet. No, I wanted to torture her a bit first.

           I brought my hands back around to her breasts, my fingers pushing over the underwire to the silkiness of the cups themselves. She closed her eyes and tilted her head back as I began to massage the skin, so full in my hands and against my fingers. I wanted to moan right along with her. God, the feel of them was incredible, and way beyond any daydream I could have ever had.

           My finger explored around the breasts, beginning to form slow circles starting along the outside and moving in, around and around until finally I felt the hard nipple against my skin. Dagny sucked in a breath releasing with a groan. I was amazed at how hard they were and how large they had become. God, I wanted to see them. I grabbed the tee shirt, about to pull it over Dagny’s head when a knock sounded at the door.

           "What the hell?" Dag’s eyes opened, and she looked around. I quickly pulled my hands out from beneath her shirt, and looked at the door, as if that would tell me who the hell I had to kill. "Hang on," she called out, trying to get herself together again. "What on earth did you do to me?" she asked, leaning in for a smoldering kiss that left me rocking on my feet.

           She walked to the door and unlocked it as I tried to get myself under control, get my breathing back in the galaxy. Carrie and Paul stood out in the hall when Dagny whipped the door open.

           "Hey." Dag smiled. "What are you guys doing here?" Carrie smiled at her, then looked into the room to see me. Her eyes narrowed in on me as I wiped my mouth of the evidence of our kisses. A slow smile spread across her face with the dawning of realization.

           "Hey, guys. I didn’t expect to find you here, Chase. What a break."

           "Yeah, we had called for you at home, but didn’t get an answer," Paul said, seemingly oblivious to what his girlfriend had clearly figured out.

           "We wanted to take you to a movie and out to eat." Carrie’s eyes couldn’t stay on just one of us, but kept bouncing back and forth. I knew the questions were burning a hole in her brain. Dagny turned to look at me over her shoulder.

           "Chase? Interested?" Not really.

           "Sure." I smiled, taking a step closer to grab Carrie. "I’ve missed you." She came to me quite willingly, the hug deep and satisfying.

           "You have a lot of explaining to do," she whispered in my ear.

           "Later," I whispered back.

           "Well, um, let me get changed." Dag headed for the bedroom.

 *  *  *

           The darkness seemed to fall all around me, the softness of her skin against me, her nails lightly tracing lazy patterns on my arm. The sound of heavy breathing, obviously female, was definitely getting to me, stirring my blood to a boil more then it already was. Just Dagny’s mere presence was putting me in a tailspin, let alone any of the other sensations.

           Finally, mercifully, the love scene came to an end, and the movie played on. Carrie leaned over to whisper in my ear.

           "You alright there, Chase?"

           "Bite me." I heard her laugh as she leaned against Paul again. I had managed to get Carrie away from Paul long enough to drag her to the bathroom and explain what had happened since school had ended. She had been excited for us, but wasn’t sure whether to hug me or go kick my family’s ass.

           "God, I can’t believe it. I never, ever thought your mom and dad could be such assholes, Chase. I’m so sorry."

           "It happens, I guess. What can you do?"

           Now, sitting in the dark theater, I wanted nothing more than to drag Dagny to the bathroom and finish what we had started back at the apartment. As the movie, which ordinarily I would have enjoyed, droned on, my mind kept racing around to places where it really just shouldn’t be. Dagny’s nails on my skin did nothing to help matters. I looked over at her to be met with an evil gaze. She knew what she did and was doing to me.

           "Enjoying the movie," she asked, leaning over to my ear. I gulped.

           "Yeah, it’s great." She chuckled.

           "I agree."

           "Listen we’ll talk, okay? I’m so happy for you, Chase." Carrie said as she hugged me tightly outside of the apartment building. I nodded, hugging her just as tightly.

           "I’ve really missed you, Car," I said as we parted, too. She smiled.

           "Me, too."

           "Paul, later."

           "Bye, guys." With one more wave, Carrie and Paul climbed into his car, and drove off into the night. Dag and I made our way up the stairs, and finally into the apartment. Neither of us said anything as we headed for the bedroom and changed for bed. I put on my usual boxers and tee, and she her tank and panties. God, she was sexy.

           "Part of me is glad they stopped by," she said, pulling the sheets back. We both climbed in.

           "Yeah, me, too. It was good to see them, and Carrie had no idea what was going on."

           "So I take it the bathroom trip was the explanation?" She grinned, scooting down in the bed. I grinned and nodded, moving in behind her to spoon. "Come here, you." She reached around to grab my hand, putting it on her stomach, just as always. Her hand reached back to lay on my thigh. We settled in, my face nearly buried in her hair as I loved the smell and feel of it, even if it did tickle my nose from time to time. Longer hair was definitely something I had to get used to. Mike’s hair had been so short I barely remembered it was there.

           Dagny pushed her butt out a little, which pushed into me. I ignored it, settling in, caressing her stomach a bit through her shirt before stilling my hand for sleep. My body was still wired, but I knew I could sleep it off. She scooted into me again. My brows drew, and I thrust my hips forward a bit. She pushed against me again, this time her hand moving on my thigh.

           I closed my eyes, inhaling the smell of Dagny, her hair, her skin, her clothes. I let it all enter inside and fill me as my hand on her stomach responded to that on my leg. My thumb began to move back and forth. The heat that was coming to my hand through the shirt was unreal. Dagny pushed herself back into me even more, our bodies a hair apart.

           I began to kiss Dagny’s neck, slow, wet kisses across and down, finding my way to her ear again. Her breath caught and her fingers tightened almost painfully on the skin of my leg. I started to move my hand, rubbing her stomach, bunching the material of her shirt up in my hand only to release it. Dagny’s own hand began to move, fingertips moving as far down my thigh as she could before moving back up and around, her palm resting on my butt, pushing and massaging.

           I moved around a bit, licking down the side of her neck, her head moving on the pillow, arching her neck as much as she could for me. Her hand traveled up a bit until it was at the hem of my boxers, a single finger slipping underneath. I sucked in a breath as I wore nothing underneath. My stomach clenched, as well as my lower extremities.

           My hand moved a bit further down her stomach, finding the end of her tank, and slipping a couple fingers beneath. I could feel her hip bone against my hand, her leg moving a bit as she continued to push into me, like a pulse. My fingers found the hot skin that had been burning me through the shirt, scorching me now. I rested my hand where it had been outside the shirt. I’d work up to moving on.

           Dag’s hand had moved a bit further up the leg of my boxers. I held my breath as her fingers, like snakes, slithered up my skin, making my heartbeat skyrocket. My hips jerked and I heard her chuckle, low and sexy. Okay, I can play, too. I moved my hand again, starting to kiss Dag’s neck again. I caressed the skin of her torso, moving my way up until I felt the round underside of her breasts. I closed my eyes, wanting to get lost in the feel of just that.

           "Yessss," she purred. Feeling more confident by the second, my hand moved more, running my fingers along the curve, caressing, pushing and rubbing, working their way up. Dag’s hand had stilled, but her body had begun to move, arching, her back pressing against my breasts, her hand beginning to knead my skin, as my hand got closer and closer to that peak of heat.

           My hand finally covered her entire breast, the hard nipple poking against my palm. We both moaned together at the contact. I opened my hand, rubbing my palm in circles over the nipple, the rigidity nearly tickling me. Dagny was really moving now, her butt pressed as far into me as she could, her body straining with her captive position. I took my hand from her breast, and started to work on her shirt. I wanted it off, wanted to see her finally.

           Dagny helped me, lifting herself on her elbow so I could pull the tank off, and toss it to the floor. She was gorgeous, her skin seemingly flawless, smooth. The one window in the bedroom sent in a bright beam of moonlight, like a spotlight on us. Dagny turned toward me, her eyes locked on my face. Her hands reached down and tugged at my own shirt, which I gladly whipped off, throwing it to join Dagny’s. We stared at each other, bare to the other one for the first time. Because of circumstances, I had seen Dagny in different states of undress over the last two years, but nothing I ever could have imagined to fill in the blanks could have prepared me for this. She was exquisite, what everyone with a heartbeat should crave and desire.

           Dagny laid herself back down, pushing me onto my back, and sliding on top. The feel of skin on skin, our breasts pressing together, oh my god. I will never in a million years forget it. That alone nearly sent me over the edge. I could feel Dagny’s wetness on my thigh.

           Dagny’s mouth went to mine immediately, and I wrapped my arms around her, my hands sliding up and down her bare skin, my legs automatically parting allowing for the fit of one of hers. She thrusted her hips down as I thrusted mine up, the sensation of the meeting incredibly intense. Our bodies began to move together as our mouths did, Dag’s hands cupping my face as the kiss got deeper, my hands wandering down to her butt, pushing her into me. I knew this wouldn’t take long, my body screaming louder and louder with every thrust.

           My head fell back, my eyes closed as my body let go, the pulsing in my veins spreading through my entire being. Dagny continued to thrust against me then she, too fell off with a cry. She collapsed against me, holding onto me tightly, almost afraid all would be lost again. Our breathing was the only sound in the room, hers hot against my neck, mine buried in her hair as I pressed her to me.

           After a few moments, Dagny lifted herself up on an elbow, looked down at me. She traced my face, my neck and throat with a finger as her eyes followed the trail until they were settled on my breasts. I watched with almost baited breath as her fingers got closer and closer to my left breast, then to my surprise and delight, so did her mouth. Dagny kissed my breast first, then tentatively her tongue slid out, tasted the skin, then again, but this time a little closer to my nipple. The anticipation was torture, and I wanted to grab her and deposit her mouth directly on it. Finally, I threw my head back, my mouth open as a wet tongue licked across it, sending incredible sensations shooting throughout my entire body.

           "God," I breathed, clutching the sheet in an iron grasp. Getting more confident, she brought her entire mouth down on it, sucking the taut skin into the wet warmth. My hips bucked as I groaned, long and breathy. Heaven, this has got to be Heaven. I’d have to remember to ask Natalie if God was female, and if she looked like Dagny.

           Hands began to explore as I was suckled, my body being caressed and seemingly worshipped. Then fingers found my other entirely over aroused nipple, and began to play, rolling it between fingers, tugged slightly. My hands found their way into Dagny’s hair, pressing her against me. She moaned as she licked me followed by sucking noises.

           Finally after what seemed an eternity, I felt my boxers being pulled. I looked down to see Dag kneeling over me, her fingers hooked into the waistband of the shorts on either side, tugging. I lifted my hips, and she pulled them down over my butt, down my legs, and off the bed. Laying naked, and feeling extremely vulnerable, I decided it was time to even things out. I indicated Dag’s panties, and she obliged, well, actually laid down so I could remove them. I sat up and followed her example, sliding them down her beautiful body, tossing them aside only to look at what was revealed to me. Yet again, I was left breathless.

           Dagny gently pushed me down on my back again, and I pulled her with me, my hands on her hips, but she stopped herself, wanting to prolong the feel of our fully exposed skin touching. She knelt over me, hands on either side of my head, one knee between my legs. She looked down at me, her eyes burning into mine.

           "I love you, Chase," she whispered. I ran my hands gently through her tangled hair, smiled.

           "I love you, too, Dagny." She smiled, softly kissed me as she slowly lowered herself, starting with her breasts, then out from there. I closed my eyes as our bodies made full contact, our legs entwined, our breasts pressed together, everything lined up where it needed to be. She began to kiss my neck as she gently nudged my legs, wanting me to spread them. I did, and she fitted her small frame between them, pushing herself up to her elbows. She looked down at me as she slowly began to move against me. I smiled, she smiled back, and I began to move with her, pushing up against her as she pushed down, moving with me. I spread my legs a little more, opening myself up to her. She moaned as saw both my knees on either side of her moving body.

           Our breasts rubbed against each other as she moved a bit faster, her body sliding easily against mine, bending down to kiss me. I put my hand on the back of her head to push her closer, our mouths working slowly along with her hips, but as I felt the ball of fire begin to form in my stomach and fall south, I deepened the kiss, intensified it, thrusting against her faster, my hands going to her butt, pushing her on, pushing her in. Finally Dagny raised herself up on her arms, pushing me to my limits until my head flew back, eyes closed, mouth open, I exploded. My entire body arched off the bed, my breasts pressed into Dagny as my fingers dug into the skin of her back.

           "Yes, baby," she whispered as she kissed me, bringing me back from my forgotten world, into the present one with her. I tried to calm down my breathing, my body still pulsing. That had been the most incredible experience of my life. I looked into the face of my lover, her eyes burning, started on fire by watching me. I pushed her over, onto her back, and found her mouth, my hand exploring her body, touching everywhere, her breasts, finding the erect nipples, which my mouth watered to taste.

           I bent down to do just that, my hand making its way down her stomach to wiry hair. Dagny sucked in a breath as my fingers played, her legs automatically opening for me, spreading apart to allow me all the room I wanted. I took a nipple into my mouth, letting my lips form around it, reveling in the sounds this was causing Dag to make. Her hands wound themselves in my hair as her breathing became heavy, husky. I kept my hand where it was, waiting for her to lead me. Within a few seconds she got the picture, and brought her hand down, gently placing her fingers on top of mine, placing them where she needed them, and showed me what she needed, moving our fingers together in a slow, circular motion. Her hand left, and I continued.

           I held myself up with my free hand as I continued to suck on her breast, sucking the nipple in rhythmically, then running my tongue over it, then running my teeth over its length. I tried to pay attention to what her body told me, her breathing, her movements.

           Dag’s hips began to move along with my hand, her movements speeding up, so did my hand. It did not take long, as she was completely drenched. My two fingers were completely covered as I rubbed faster and faster, my forearm feeling the pressure as I continued, Dagny’s hips raising off the bed as her breathing turned to breathy moans and finally she was crying out. I raised my head from her breast to look at the magnificence of her body, every muscle straining as she was brought to climax.

           "God, Chase!" she cried out, grabbed the back of my head to bring my face to hers. I kissed her with everything I had in me as she rode out the last of her tremors on my hand. She was part panting and part moaning into my mouth as I moved my entire body on top of hers, her thrusting herself against my thigh.

           Finally she started to come down, her body relaxing, breathing evening out. I stayed where I was, body to body, our hearts beating together, arms and legs wrapped around each other.

           "God," she breathed. "I had no idea." She gently stroked my hair, kissing the side of my head.

           "Neither did I," I said, cuddling in closer, reveling in the feel of her and the memory of what we had just done. How could anyone possibly think this was wrong or a perversion? I had never experienced anything so pure. Maybe all those people out there needed to try it. Maybe my mother did.

           It didn’t take long before we both fell into a deep sleep, our bodies exhausted, our hearts and minds completely satisfied. I wrapped myself around Dagny, never letting her go.

 *  *  *

           The light came streaming through the window, spreading across the floor to climb up the mattress, caress the sheet with its brilliance, and shine right into my eyes.

           With a groan I tried to squeeze them shut, but it did no good. I had been woken up, and usually after that it’s a lost cause. My lids fluttered open, and I turned so my back was to the window, and saw Dagny sitting up against the headboard, reading.

           "Good morning," I said, an instasmile on my face. She looked at me, matching smile in place.

           "Hey, you." She leaned down and kissed me. "How did you sleep?"

           "Like the dead. Well, that is except for when we woke up off and on to have sex again." I grinned. "You?"

           "Pretty much the same." I pushed myself up so I was sitting next to her when I realized I didn’t have a stitch on. Dagny had my tee shirt on from the night before.

           "Now, this isn’t fair," I muttered, tugging at the hem of the shirt.

           "What?" She looked down, then grinned. "Okay, fine." She reached down, and pulled the shirt off.

           "Oh, yeah. Much, much better." I leaned over, laying my head on her breast. "What are you reading?"

           "Um, nothing."

           "Let me see." She showed me the cover of the Lesbian Kama Sutra we had bought at the bookstore. I laughed as she started to read out loud.

           I sat on the couch, the Advocate magazine I had bought at Antigone’s in my hands.

           "I’ll be right back, babe. It’s after one in the afternoon and I haven’t even read the paper, yet." Dag hurried out the door to get the paper and the mail downstairs. As soon as the door closed, I grabbed the phone from the table. I was bursting at the seams and needed to talk to Carrie. I had never dialed seven numbers so quickly in my life, but at last, the phone began to ring.

           "Hello?"

           "Hi, is Carrie there?"

           "One moment, please." Carrie’s dad handed the phone over to my friend.

           "Yeah?"

           "Hi!" I said, my voice high-pitched and chipper.

           "Um, hi. Who is this?"

           "It’s me, Car. Damn, don’t even recognize the voice of your best friend?"

           "Hell no. Not when you sound like you’ve swallowed Disneyland." I grinned.

           "How are you?"

           "I’m fine. What’s wrong?"

           "Nothing. Why do you ask?" I glanced at the door, nothing.

           "Come on, Chase. I’ve known you for almost two decades. Spit it out it." Deciding I needed to talk or I’d explode, I brought my hand to the receiver and whispered.

           "We had sex last night."

           "Yahoo!" I pulled the phone away from my ear, her shrill excitement too much for my tired headache. "No shit, really? Oh, man, that is beautiful! I cannot wait to tell Paul."

           "No, Carrie. Please don’t. I’m not even sure if I was supposed to tell you."

           "Where is she?"

           "She’s-"

           "Hey baby." Dagny suddenly, almost magically appeared through the door, folded newspaper and mail in her hand. "Who’s on the phone?"

           "Um, no one." She looked at me, hands on hips.

           "Hi, Dagny!" Carrie yelled, again, the phone being ripped from my head from the volume.

           "Hello, Carrie." She walked over to the couch, and sat next to me.

           "Way to go, Dag!" I looked at my lover, mortified.

           "Carrie, I hate you and I have to go." I pressed the off bottom, and set the phone down, my eyes never leaving Dagny who stared at me, trying to hide a smile. "I’m sorry, babe. I had to tell someone." She looked at me for a moment longer, then burst out laughing, taking me into a hug.

           "God, I just love you." She smiled at me, kissing my nose. I grinned, thankful she wasn’t going to fillet me for lunch.

           "I love you, too."

           "Oh, here. This came here for you." She grabbed an envelope from the table, and put it in my lap. "I’m going to start the shower, join me?" I nodded, kissing her. She walked to the bathroom, and I studied the piece of mail. It had both our names on it, and my parent’s return address. With beating heart, I slid my finger under the flap and ripped it open. The ivory colored sheet inside was beautiful, with satin ribbons made into the paper. It was an invitation; a wedding invitation. Both Dagny and I were invited to Carla and Todd’s wedding in November.

           I stood, still looking at it, then with a sigh, dropped it on the coffee table, headed for the bathroom.

PART 15

           WE WALKED AROUND campus, the African mask in my hand, my fingers tracing the colorfully painted lines. The mask was large enough that I could wear it if I so desired.

           "Thank you, Nat. This is really beautiful." I smiled at my former roommate. She smiled back.

           "Well, as soon as I saw it I knew it was for you. The woman told me it is a pumzisha mask, which means to give someone peace." I looked at her; she was smiling proudly.

           "Thank you." I turned and gave her a hug, smiling at the feel of human contact. Before Dag came into my life again, I had never been one for the touchy, feely kind of stuff. She had taught me that it was okay, and was actually enjoyable. Oh boy, was it. We continued to walk.

           "Have you found peace?" She grinned, nudging my shoulder with hers. I smiled, looking down at the ground so she wouldn’t see the extent of my happiness. I felt shy all the sudden, but nodded.

           "Yes and no." I turned to her. "Dagny and I worked things out, Nat, and um, well, we’re kind of a couple." I looked at her, almost afraid of what her reaction would be. Last fall when she’d returned to school from her summer-long missionary thing she had been even closer to God then usual. I wasn’t sure how she’d react to this. She looked at me, then away, but a smile was firmly in place.

           "You know something, Chase? Before I came to school I was just as involved in my church as I am now, if not more so. After all, I did have more time, then. I do admit, I was quite close minded, even though science is my biggest passion next to God. I think of how much I’ve grown, and I think I owe a lot of that to you." She looked at me, then turned to watch a group of guys playing football.

           "Why’s that?"

           "Well, for starters, when I first saw you, when I smacked you with the door that first day, I thought, oh, Lord, what have you done to me." She laughed, so did I.

           "Me, too."

           "Oh, great. Thanks." She patted my arm. "But as I got to know you, and saw you with those kids that first year during our Thursday night bible studies, I realized there was so much more to you then what met the eye." She indicated a bench, and we sat. "You’re filled with depth, Chase. There’s so much love inside you, and a great need that I never could quite understand. But, if Dagny fills both the love and the need, then who am I to say any different?" I looked at her, stunned. "And besides, haven’t you guys been a couple for like two years now?"

           "Huh?"

           "Well, wasn’t that what the deal was after Christmas? You two broke up, right?" I laughed, shaking my head.

           "Nah. We were never a couple, Natalie." I was thoroughly amused. What I had wished for, and didn’t think I had a chance of getting, my roommate had thought was there the entire time. I guess it did make sense, though. I mean, we spent every single available moment together, and Dag was all I had talked about. Poor girl.

           "Oh, well then I’m doubly glad it worked out."

           "Wow. Why couldn’t you be my mother?" She looked at me, brows drawn.

           "Huh?"

           "I’ll tell you later. But, thank you. I’m not really sure what to say."

           "You’ve said it all, Chase. I had a feeling this was the case from the start, so I’m not so surprised, you know? You’re a great person, a talented person, and I think you and Dagny are lucky to have found each other again. I tell you, it’s too bad you’re not a writer, Chase. Well, beyond music, that is. You could write your story down and make millions." She grinned and winked.

           "Yeah, that’d be nice." I smiled, putting my arm around her shoulders. "I’m going to miss you this year, Nat."

           "Me, too. I’m glad to finally get my own place, though."

           "Oh man, I hear you. Dorm life is for the birds."

           "Stay in touch?"

           "Oh, hell yeah!" She smiled.

           "Don’t say that. It’s a naughty word."

           "I’ve missed you."

           "Me, too, Chase. So tell me about this mother thing."

 *  *  *

           I put Than’s strap around my neck, excited to be back on Gotfry’s stage. I had not played at all during the summer, and I was anxious to get back into the saddle. Greg had been wonderful, and my bandmates, well they had gotten used to the idea eventually.

           I stepped up to the microphone, adjusting it to my height.

           "Good evening, everyone." I grinned into it.

           "Hey, the prodigal daughter returns!" someone yelled up to me. I smiled, waving.

           "Hey there, Danny. Yup, I’m back and feeling good, so I hope y’all are ready to rock out there." The patrons cheered, whooping away as the band began to play, and I dug into the music. I looked around at everyone as I sang, seeing my girl sitting with her table of friends, talking and laughing. Just like old times, but better. She looked at me, and my heart fell to my knees. I winked at her in return, receiving a smile and a salute before she turned back to her friends.

           It wasn’t long before we had the place on its feet, everyone either singing along or dancing, having a wonderful time. I had never had so much fun on stage. My heart was light, my spirit on the way to healing. Life was good.

           "Okay, don’t any of you go anywhere. Just spend some more money, get drunk, and we’ll be back." I stepped away from the mic, setting Than on the guitar stand.

           "Wow, whatever you’ve been taking, can I have some?" I turned to see Terrie smiling at me. I grinned and nodded.

           "I think I should bottle Dag and sell it. I’d make millions."

           "The feel good serum for the new millenium?" I nodded.

           "You got it. How was your summer?" We headed downstairs to the bar.

           "It’s been good, busy. Give me a vodka rocks, Greg." He set out to get our drinks as we leaned on the bar. "I met someone." I looked at her.

           "No shit?" She smiled.

           "No shit."

           "Oh man, that’s great. What’s she like?"

           "Hey, baby. You were fantastic." I turned to see Dagny walking up to us. She grabbed me for a monster hug. Terrie stood by, watching. I took Dagny in my arms, holding her tightly to me. Though she was in the room, watching and listening to us, she was still too far away. I tried to persuade her to join us on stage before the first set, but she said that a cat in heat sings better then she does.

           "Thank you." I kissed her.

           "Hey, Dagny. How are you?" We turned to look at Terrie who stood, feet set wide apart, thumbs hooked into her belt loops.

           "Terrie. Not bad, how about yourself?" Dagny put her arm around my waist, moving in close to me. Terrie chuckled at the possessive move.

           "Not bad. She did great, huh?" She nodded toward me, looking at me with pride.

           "Yeah, she did. Kicked some major butt out there." Terrie laughed.

           "You two enjoy the break." She took the drink Greg had left on the bar, and walked away.

           "She met someone," I said, nuzzling my face in Dag’s hair.

           "Good. She can leave you alone." I chuckled.

           "Babe, she’s no threat. I think you’ve made more than clear who I belong to." She looked into my eyes as a slow smile broke out across her lips.

           "Do you?"

           "What?"

           "Belong to me? Are you mine?" I smiled, shaking my head with disbelief that this incredible creature would want me to be, would care enough to ask. I brought my hand up, caressing the side of her face with the backs of my fingers. I nodded.

           "Oh, yeah. You had me from the time I was eight years old. You became my standard." She just stared at me. Funny time to make the parallel, but it reminded me of when you talk to a faithful furry friend, the way they stare into your face as if you’re their entire world, their reason for living. I could only hope this was true with Dagny. "I love you."

           "I love you, too." She sighed with contentment, and kissed me again. I heard someone clear their throat from behind the bar. I turned to see Greg staring at us.

           "You two wanna get a room?"

           "Bite me." He laughed as he walked away to help other customers. I turned back to Dag to see she was staring at something over my shoulder. She looked at me, indicating with a nod for me to look. I did, and stopped cold. Carla stood behind me, her hands clasped nervously in front of her. When she saw she had my attention, she smiled.

           "Hi."

           "Want me to stay?" Dag asked, her voice low. I shook my head, squeezing her hand.

           "I’ll be over at the table in a few."

           "Okay." Dagny glanced at my sister one more time, then walked away. I fully turned to Carla and just looked at her.

           "Um, can we sit?" I nodded, still staying quiet. I wasn’t sure what I was feeling, my body suddenly cold, my stomach in emotional knots. I wasn’t sure if I should cry from the memory, or if I should be angry and mean, or if I should just fall into her arms, relieved to see a family member.

           We found a table off all by its lonesome, and sat, her a bit stiff and rigid, me relaxed and cocky. But, ready to bolt at any given time.

           "So, um, how have you been, Chase?"

           "Been great. Yourself?" she shrugged and sighed.

           "Okay, I guess. Had a horrible summer."

           "Funny that." She smiled ruefully, but said nothing.

           "You were fantastic up there," she said, her voice quiet. As I looked at her, I could see her eyes were a bit too moist. Was she going to cry? "I had no idea. Why did you never tell any of us?"

           "And what good would that have done, Carla? I’m the fucking leper of the family. Do you think it can be fixed with a song? I don’t think so."

           "True. But you do have a wonderful voice and talent." I only stared at her. I didn’t want her compliments to mean anything. "I wasn’t so sure what to expect when I came here tonight, as you know bars have never done much for me." She smiled. "But this isn’t bad. I have to tell you, you just about made mom drop her teeth when you told her you were singing in a bar." She chuckled lightly.

           "I don’t want to talk about her," I said, my voice like steel.

           "Okay, Chase. Whatever you want."

           "Whatever I want? Oh, that’s a bunch of bullshit if I’ve ever heard it." I sat up straighter, my emotions beginning to lean a bit to the angry side at the mention of my mother. "It’s never been what I want, Carla. You seem to forget, you’re the perfect golden child here, not me. You don’t have the slightest clue about what it’s like to feel like an outsider in your own fucking family."

           "Chase, please calm down. I didn’t come here to fight with you."

           "Why did you come here?" I glared at her.

           "I came to apologize. I never meant for what happened to happen. I really just wanted to help you, Chase."

           "How the fuck do you figure opening your goddamn mouth was going to help me? Then you have the balls to spend the day with me and Dagny, knowing what was in your little brain to do? Jesus! Talk about betrayal."

           "Chase, it wasn’t supposed to happen that way. I know how disapproving mom and dad have always been. I’ve never understood it, but I knew it was there. I thought maybe they would take it better if they heard it from me, maybe it would soften the blow, you know?" She looked down. "It was shitty of me not to do anything about it, and I’m sorry. I think I just got so caught up in my own little world of achieving that I never gave any thought to your side of it." She took a breath, staring at me with pleading eyes. "I know I messed up, that goes without saying. But doesn’t it mean anything that I’m here?"

           "Does the expression ‘too little, too late’ mean anything to you?"

           We were both silent for a moment, Carla looking down at her hands in her lap, me looking out toward the stage. I really wanted to be there right now. Finally my sister sighed.

           "Well, however you want to take it, I was just really trying to help you guys. I can’t apologize for that, Chase. I just went about it the wrong way, and for that, I am sorry." I said nothing. "I’ve noticed you haven’t sent in your RSVP for the wedding." I looked at her.

           "I don’t know that I’m going." She looked down again, stung.

           "I’d like to make a request." She looked at me. "That’s what you do with a singer, right?" I just stared. Where was she heading with this?

           "I want you to sing at my wedding, Chase." My jaw dropped. What?

           "What?"

           "I want you to sing at my wedding." She lifted her chin.

           "What, is this some sort of sick door prize for fucking up my relationship with your parents? Trying to butter my bread?"

           "No. You have immense talent, and I haven’t been supportive of you in the past. I want to say I’m sorry for that, and show it in the only way I know how, circumstances being what they are. Watching you up there tonight, you had that audience in the palm of your hand, which with a bunch of drunks, I can’t imagine that’s easy to do." She smiled weakly. "You’re wonderful, and I’m proud of you." She swallowed and looked away as tears began to gather in her blue eyes. She angrily swiped at them before turning back to me. "Chase, you’re doing what I’ve dreamed of my entire life."

           "Singing?"

           "No! Living your own life! I’m doing what I want to do as far as being a doctor. I’ve always wanted to follow in dad’s footsteps, but I’ve always had a spotlight on me. Hell, I should make an even better entertainer than you do." I chuckled softly. "I’ve hated it, but I found out a long time ago that it’s easier to just go along with it, let mom and dad have their little pride fest, and then do my own thing later. Well later never came."

           "And whose fault is that? I’m not about to sit here and feel sorry for you because you let yourself become a puppet, Carla."

           "I know. I’m not asking for your sympathy, Chase. I’m just venting. You’ve ruined my chances of ever telling mom and dad how I really feel. How am I supposed to top that?" I grinned, but looked down. I didn’t want her to think she was out of the soup, yet. "Well, anyway. I’ve said what I came to say." She looked me in the eye, reaching across the table to grab one of my hands. "Chase, please think about my wedding. If you choose not to sing, well, that is your choice. But please come. You and Dagny both."

           "I have to go, Carla. It’s time for the second set." Without another word or even a glance, I stood and hurried back to the stage.

           "You okay?" I looked at Terrie, concern in her eyes. "Who is that? Want me to fuck her up for you?" Grinning, I patted the drummer on the shoulder.

           "Thanks, but no. I’m fine." I grabbed Than, and got ready for the next song. As the show went on, I looked around, trying to see if Carla was still at the bar or not, then was shocked to see her talking to Dag. They were standing near the bathrooms, and seemed to be having a decent conversation. What the hell was she trying to do with my life?

 *  *  *

           I pulled Dagny to me, her naked body pressed against mine, sweaty but sated. She sighed as she cuddled even closer, her body wiggling a bit to try and fit into any little crevice or space between us.

           "Comfortable?" I asked, completely amused. She nodded and kissed my neck.

           "Completely."

           "You know, it’s funny. I never thought I’d actually enjoy snuggling up with someone who was all sticky and smelly. Especially when it gets so hot." I stroked her back and hair. "Guess I was wrong."

           "Well good. I’m glad to throw a wrench in your theories." I chuckled.

           "I’m sure you are. You definitely have done that."

           "Besides, it’s because of you that I’m sticky and smelly."

           "Yeah, yeah. And boy, did I have a good time accomplishing that."

           "You better have." She pushed herself up on an elbow, staring down into my face, smiling. "You’re so beautiful, Chase."

           "No, that would be you."

           "Oh, I disagree completely. I’ve never seen a more beautiful spirit." I stared at her, in awe for the one millionth time that day alone.

           "You make me get so cheesy. You have a talent for that, I think." She smiled.

           "So do you." She leaned in and kissed me, running her hands through my hair. "I love you," she said when the kiss finally ended, leaving me breathless.

           "I love you, too."

           Dagny laid back down against me, her head on my shoulder, body halfway on top of mine.

           "I must say I was shocked to see Carla show up tonight," she said, running a finger along my collarbones.

           "Me, too. I saw you guys talking."

           "Yeah. She was apologizing to me."

           "That was nice." I kept my voice even and low. I still wasn’t sure how I felt about this yet, and didn’t quite know how to act with Dag.

           "You know, babe, the wedding invitation has been hung on the fridge with a magnet for over two months now."

           "I know."

           "Well, are you going to send in the RSVP?"

           "Carla brought that up tonight, too." I sighed, turning my head to look at the window.

           "Do you not want to talk about this?" Dag gently caressed my shoulder and arm.

           "I don’t know. I don’t know what to do, Dag." I looked at her. "It’s because of her that my family is so fucked up, and I’ve been kicked out of the flock."

           "Babe, please don’t take this the wrong way, but your parents always had a warped view of you and Carla. What Carla did definitely didn’t help things, but I think you and I both know the reaction would have been bad regardless of how it came about." When I didn’t say anything or bite her head off, she continued. "Carla is the only sister you’ve got, or will ever have. I know you guys haven’t been close in the past, babe, but why throw it away? If your mom wants to be a bitch, then let her. But Carla is really trying to make this up to you."

           "But Dag, she had no right!"

           "No, she didn’t. I believe that she honestly thought if she broke the news to your parents first, the daughter who is their guiding light, their precious little angel, then maybe things would go better for you. I truly don’t think she thought what happened would have happened anymore then you did."

           "Are you defending her?" I asked, my brows drawn as I felt anger building. Dagny put her hand on my chest, pushing herself up so she could look into my face.

           "No, babe, I’m not. I’m just trying to be the voice of reason for you, who is very, understandably, emotionally driven right now. All I’m saying is think about your decision before you make it. Obviously you’re doing that as proof sits on the fridge door."

           "She wants me to sing," I said, my voice quiet as indecision really began to set in.

           "What did you say?"

           "A whole bunch of mean things."

           "Which you’re justified in saying." She kissed my forehead. "Listen, Chase, I’m not trying to tell you what you should do or shouldn’t do, I’m just trying to give you some food for thought. Okay?" I nodded, looked at her and smiled.

           "Thanks."

           "That’s what I’m here for."

 *  *  *

           The days got shorter as fall came to us, Halloween just weeks away. It had been six months since I’d seen or spoken to my parents, and it weighed heavily on me. I tried not to think about it, but unfortunately this is not a talent that I possess. I’m a dweller, you see. I drove Dagny crazy with it, hell I drove myself crazy with it. What could I have done differently, what could I do now? What should I do? Should I do anything? On and on it went. I had come to the realization, though, that I shouldn’t blame myself, or think of myself as defective. I went through a phase for awhile in September where I thought it was all my fault, that if I had been a better kid none of this would have happened. Thank god Dagny shook me out of that train of thought.

           The wedding was in a month, and I had still yet to come to a decision, though I knew which way I was leaning. Hell, part of me wanted to go just to piss my mother off.

 *  *  *

           Dagny was working with a young boy named Jesse, and though I hadn’t realized it at the time, I had already met him. Dag had gotten special permission to bring me in on this case with her because I had gotten him to play along with the singing games. Since she wasn’t having any luck in bringing him out of his shell, she thought maybe I should try.

           He and I were to be in a room with a two-way mirror where Dagny and the psychologist could observe.

           I read Jesse’s file to try and see what exactly it was that had this poor little boy so far within himself. He was eight years old and lived with his grandmother. A year and a half ago he had seen his father, a twenty-five year old drug dealer, shot to death near Jesse’s house on the Native American reservation where they lived just outside of town. Since then, he has refused to speak.

           Ava, his grandmother, said he is fascinated by guns now, and does nothing but draw them.

           Dagny and I sat in the room where Jesse and his grandmother would be soon, pouring over his file and discussing our approach.

           "Do you think he’ll be upset by my presence?" I asked, setting Melo aside. She shrugged.

           "I really don’t know. This is a total experiment, Chase. I hope it works, but don’t really have a whole lot of expectations. I’ve been seeing this little boy for over a year and still haven’t gotten anywhere with him." Her shoulders slumped, and she sighed. "God, am I cut out to do this?"

           "Babe, he’s got some serious stuff to deal with." I put my hands on her arms. "You’re wonderful with him, and with what you do. You have been given a very tough nut to crack. Well, so to speak." I grinned, so did she. "I have every confidence in you, Dag."

           "Thanks. I wish I did."

           There was a knock at the door. Dagny closed the manila folder, and put on a smile as Jesse and Ava walked in. I could tell she was really nervous, and I wished so badly that I could give her one last comforting hug, but this was not the time nor the place.

           "Hey, Jesse. How are you today?" He looked at her and shrugged. "Do you remember Chase?" She indicated me, and I smiled and waved. He looked at me and the edges of his lips turned up in a tiny grin. Good sign. "She was in the waiting room when you were last spring." He nodded, and Dag looked to me. I knelt down to be on his level, but he backed away from me. I held my ground, staying where I was.

           "Hey, Jesse. How are you? My name is Chase Marin, but you can call me Chase, okay?" He just looked at me. "We’ll talk more, soon. Okay?"

           "Jesse, Chase wants to talk to you today, okay? Are you alright with that? If we leave you in here with her?" He looked from Dagny to me then at his grandmother, who had been spoken with a few days earlier in regards to the experiment. She nodded at him and smiled.

           "She’s a real nice lady, honey. She won’t hurt you," Ava said. He looked back at me, his dark eyes curious but leery.

           "Well, you two have a wonderful time, and we’ll see you real soon, okay, Jesse?" Dag smiled charmingly at the boy, and then she and the grandmother walked out of the room. I walked over to the table that sat in the middle of the room, two chairs waiting to be sat in. My guitar sat in the corner.

           "Do you like music, Jesse?" The boy stared at me for a moment, a good ten feet separating us. Finally he nodded, looking over at the guitar with curious eyes. "Do you know what that is?" He shook his head, eyes still on the black case. "That, my little friend, is a guitar." He looked back at me, his eyes wide. "Have you ever seen a guitar before?" He nodded. "In real life?" No. "Would you like to?" He just looked at me, taking a step away from me as I slowly made my way to the guitar. I smiled, trying to reassure him that I would not hurt him.

           I grabbed Melo, unzipping the case to take her out. I watched Jesse from the corner of my eye. He noticed every move, but began to explore the room. We had some toys set out in one corner. He walked over to those, fingering a few, but not showing any real interest.

           I placed my guitar on the table and stepped away from it.

           "Would you like to touch it?" He shook his head no, but his eyes told another story. "Do you like to sing, Jesse?" He shook his head. "Do you like music?" Again, no. I smiled. "I happen to know you like to hum. You did with me, remember?" No response. His big, dark eyes just looked at me, flitting to Melo off and on. I recalled the song in my mind that I had been humming that day so long ago it seemed, and began to quietly hum it again. Jesse stared at me when he heard sound, then the tiniest of smiles appeared at the corner of his mouth. I hummed a bit louder. It didn’t take long before he began to hum, too. It was low, barely audible, but there all the same.

           I reached for Melo, making my movement small. The boy reminded me of a skittish rabbit. I was shocked he was doing as well as he was, considering it was just me and him in this strange room. I had the feeling there was a lot to this little boy.

           Getting the guitar into position, I began to play a song, soft and simple. Something that could go with the song I was humming. He watched my fingers as they danced across the chords, his eyes large and curious. I stopped humming, wondering what he’d do. He also stopped, looking at me as though I’d just stepped on his toe.

           "Want to continue?" He took a moment, thinking over an answer, then slowly nodded. "How about I sing? Want to sing with me?" He didn’t answer, didn’t nod or shake his head. I started to strum again, and began to sing a simple little song that he could easily follow along with if he chose.

           I played on and sang for another half an hour when someone knocked on the door. Immediately Jesse’s wall went up, and any distance that he’d crawled out of himself today was gone in a heartbeat. Dagny opened the door, and smiled at me, then turned to her patient.

           "Hey, Jesse. How are you?" I looked at her, and said nothing, but I think Dag saw what I did; there was a tiny spark in his eyes, like there was a little boy in there somewhere who wanted to just jump out and play.

           Jesse sat on a chair as his grandmother talked to Dagny and I.

           "I’m not surprised at all that he is reacting to the music. When he was a baby, his grandpa used to play for him." She looked at her grandson and smiled sadly. "I wish my little boy would come back to me." She sighed heavily. "Well, thank you, girls. We’ll see you next week, Dagny."

           "See you then, Ava. Bye, Jesse." He looked at her, put up his little hand for a nearly nonexistent wave, and walked out of the office. Dag turned to me and smiled before grabbing me in a huge hug.

           "Whoa! What’s this for?" I held her close.

           "We feel this was a success today, babe," she said, her voice low so as not to be overheard. "You did a fantastic job."

           "Really? Damn, and I didn’t think I had gotten anywhere with him."

           "Are you kidding? You got further in an hour than I have in a year. I don’t know what your magic touch is, but damn, you’ve got it. Will you do this again for us, Chase?" I looked at her, stunned.

           "Uh, yeah. Sure." Another hug.

 *  *  *

           I stared at the phone, my sister’s number in Berkley on the table in front of me, the wedding invitation on my lap. Dagny and I had talked about it again, but she had been wonderful, leaving it alone. I had mulled it over in my mind over and over again, trying to decide what the right thing to do was. Ultimately I knew Dag was right. Carla was the only sister I would ever have, and she was doing her best to try and make some peace. It would take me a while to get over what had happened, but I figured someday she and I would get on some sort of good footing.

           I picked up the cordless, tossing it from hand to hand as I thought. This would be it, I would have to see my parents, sing in front of my family for the first time. I could be putting Dagny through some unpleasantness. I had no idea how my mother would treat her. But, I did know that she could handle herself, probably much better then I could with them.

           I dialed the number, listening to the ringing of the phone. Part of me wished she wasn’t home, and I could just leave a message on her answering-

           "Hello?" or not. I took a deep breath, running a hand through my hair.

           "You got one song. If the food is good, maybe two. And, I will not wear a dress."

           "What? Who is this?"

           "Your sister." I sat back against the couch, my heart beating wildly in my chest.

           "Chase?" asked my surprised sister.

           "Do you have any other sisters I don’t know about?" She laughed softly.

           "No. So are these your conditions to sing at my wedding?"

           "Yes they are."

           "Does this mean, have you,"

           "Forgiven you? No. It just means I’ll agree to go to and sing at your wedding."

           "Oh, Chase." Carla’s voice instantly became thick as I imagined the tears in her eyes. "Thank you, thank you, thank you. I really didn’t think you were going to do it."

           "Neither did I, to be honest." I grabbed the invitation, looking at it, my hands needing something to do to get rid of some of the nervousness.

           "Is Dagny coming, too?"

           "She said she’ll go if I do, so I guess so."

           "That’s good. She’s a really great person, Chase."

           "I know she is. That’s why I fell in love with her." My sister was quiet for a moment, I figured trying to process what I had just told her.

           "I’m glad, Chase. You seem really happy, and so does Dagny. I hope you guys stay that way."

           "Thanks." I sighed. "Look, I’m going to go. Send me a list of songs you’d like to hear so I can get a hold of some lyrics, okay?"

           "Yeah. I can email those to you. Take care, Chase. Okay?"

           "Yeah. You do the same."

           "Um, well, bye."

           "Later."

           I pressed the off button, and stared at the phone. Lord, had I done the right thing?

 *  *  *

           "No way. Absolutely no way in hell am I wearing that."

           "Come on, babe. You won’t even try it on for me?" Dag laughed, that evil spark in her eye that I loved. But, not enough to try on a cocktail dress for her.

           "Not in a million years."

           "Okay, okay. You’re no fun." She put the dress back on the rack, looking around the Talbots store.

           "Are you sure we should be here, Dag? This place is, like, way too expensive." I eyed merchandise as we walked through the quiet store.

           "Sure. The thing is, you have to be able to find a good sale. Come with me, oh doubtful one. We’ll get you something. If not here, then somewhere."

           "Goodie."

           We shopped and we shopped, and we shopped some more. Have I ever mentioned I’m not a big fan of shopping? True to her word, Dagny ended up finding us both really nice outfits for the wedding. For herself she found a beautiful skirt set, a long, black matte jersey skirt with a slit up the side to the knee, and a sleeveless black and silver top. Definitely sexy. For me I picked a pants suit in black, the pants the same material as Dag’s skirt. It was fitted and, according to my girlfriend, fit me just right in all the right places.

           A great deal of time, and a hefty chunk of change later, we headed home with our bags in tow.

 *  *  *

           My first meeting with Jesse had been such a success, the powers that be decided to give me another shot at him. I was determined to get through to this kid if it killed me. So now Jesse and I were sitting in the room with each other for the sixth time.

           We sat in the same room, Melo at my side. My goal for this session was to get the boy to play with the guitar. I would sacrifice a guitar string or two for this kid’s mental health and well-being.

           "See, this chord makes this sound." I plucked a string, letting the sound die off. Jesse watched, obvious interest on his face. "Did you like that?" He nodded. "This one makes this sound." He watched me do it, then looked up into my face to see my reaction to it. "Kind of neat, huh?" Again he nodded, giving me a small smile. "You know what I think, big guy? I think you want to talk to me, and I think you want to play this guitar. Am I right?" He looked at me, but did not shake his head. I had come to find that this was him being indecisive. If he truly didn’t want something, he shook his head outright. But, I had a chance if he wasn’t sure. I put the guitar on the table, and slid it over to him. "Try it."

           Jesse looked at me, startled for a moment, but then when he realized I wasn’t coming with the instrument, he stayed where he was, and stared at it. He looked up at me one more time before slowly reaching out to touch the neck, but quickly withdrew his hand.

           "You’re doing fine, Jesse. Go for it," I urged. He grabbed it, pulling the guitar toward him. He looked at me, his big dark eyes wide with surprise. "Kind of heavy, isn’t it?" He nodded, I smiled. To my absolute delight, he smiled back. The small boy took the instrument, and set it in his lap, against his body as he had seen me do. The thing was huge for him, his arm barely able to make it over the body to the chords. An idea struck me upside the head.

           Dagny and I lay in bed later that night, Jesse still on my mind.

           "I can’t believe I got him to take the guitar," I said, staring up at the ceiling. I pulled Dag a little closer, her body half laying on mine again, her usual, favorite place.

           "I know. Levy and I nearly jumped for joy, and Ava was beside herself." She laughed, kissing my neck. "You weave some magic, Chase."

           "Nah. It’s just trying to understand Jesse. God, I want to help that kid so bad."

           "I’d say you’re well on your way, baby."

 *  *  *

           The wedding was a week away, and I was nervous as hell. CID had been practicing the song that I had picked from the list Carla had sent to me. It would be a Celine Dion song that Carla had always loved. I had a difficult time singing really girlie ballads, but I’d do my best.

           "Dude, when did you start singing for weddings?" Doug asked as we packed up our gear from rehearsal. "Did you rent some cheesy tux, too?"

           "Fuck you, Doug," I said with a smile. He put his arm around my shoulders as he walked me to my car.

           "You’ll go out there and kick some serious ass, kid. Good luck to you."

           "Thanks, man. God, I hate this kind of shit." I put my guitars in the trunk of my car.

           "What shit? You do this twice a week, Chase."

           "Yeah, but in a bar in front of a bunch of drunks. Not in front of a bunch of stodgy people in gowns and tuxedos."

           "Ah, it’ll still be in front of a bunch of drunks, believe me. Just sing later in the night so people will really be gone by then." I grinned.

           "Asshole."

           "I try. You’ll kill ’em, kid."

           "Thanks. See you tomorrow night."

           "Later."

 *  *  *

           I paced the living room of the apartment, nearly wearing a hole in the floor. Dagny was still getting ready, and I was beginning to wish I hadn’t so quickly. I was sweating, and I didn’t want to ruin the new suit already. I still had an entire night to go.

           "Babe, will you stop? Everything’ll be fine," Dag yelled to me from the bedroom.

           "No, I’ll make an ass out of myself. Why the hell am I doing this?" I walked to the bedroom to see Dag standing in front of the dresser mirror putting her earrings in. She looked at my reflection.

           "Babe, you’ll do just fine. You know the song, know what you’re doing. Just put yourself at Gotfry’s. You have absolutely no problem singing there, right?" I shook my head. "Alright then." She turned to me, looking me over. "My god you look good." I saw the look in her eyes, and knew we had to get out of there before it wasn’t just sweat that was on my clothes.

           We walked out of the bedroom, and as we did I lagged behind a bit, looking my lover up and down, too. Holy shit, is it legal to be so damn sexy?

           Dagny stopped to grab the handbag she’d bought with her outfit, and I stepped up behind her, hugging her, pressing her body to mine.

           "You are so unbelievably beautiful," I whispered into her ear before giving it a quick lick.

           "Oh, you are so mean," she moaned. I chuckled evilly, bringing my hands up to cup her breasts. "You better stop now, Chase, or we will never get out of here."

           "Okay. We’ll just stay here and make love all day, and stay in bed eating chocolate. How does that sound?" Dag turned in my arms and glared playfully.

           "You are such a baby." She kissed me lightly on the lips. "Come on, baby. We have to go."

           "Okay." I felt like a child, sulking all the way to the car. I knew Dagny was right, and I would never forgive myself if I didn’t go, but my stomach was in knots, and I wanted to throw up. Why had I agreed to sing? Going and having to see my parents again was one thing, but having to sing in front of them? I must be suicidal.

           The church where Carla had chosen to have her wedding was beautiful. Todd was Catholic, so she had converted so they could be married in a Catholic ceremony. Man, were those things long.

           When we had arrived at the Cathedral I had not seen my parents. We decided to sit in the back. Well, I decided to. Dagny tried to get me to proudly march up that center aisle and sit my butt down with the family. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. The thought of my mother staring at me during the entire ceremony was just too much for me to handle. Besides, sitting in the back we could get out first. Yeah, right.

           The ceremony ended, and I nearly sprinted out the door, Dagny following close by.

           "Hold on there, stud. I can’t run in heels."

           "I’m sorry." I slowed as we got closer to Freud. Dagny walked with me, glancing at me from time to time.

           "Are you okay, babe?" she whispered. I nodded.

           "God, she looked so beautiful, Dag," I said, my voice nearly choking up. My sister had chosen an ivory gown with lots of satin and lace and beadwork. I’m sure it had cost a small fortune. Todd and all his groomsmen had been in black tuxedos, Todd’s bow tie and vest had been ivory satin. Together they had looked incredible.

           "Yeah, she did. Todd looked so handsome." She sighed. "Did you see your mom?" I shook my head as I climbed into the passenger side of the SUV. "She was gorgeous, wearing a white and blue dress. She looked really good. Your dad, too."

           "You know, I used to dream about my dad giving me away when I got married. The crazy thing is, I never wanted to get married." I smiled at her. "Now I know why." I squeezed the hand that was in mine. "But, I remember as a kid seeing it in movies where the father gave the daughter away, and he’d get choked up." I felt my throat tighten as I looked out the window. "I’ve really hurt them, Dag."

           "Babe, you did what you had to do. You have a right to live your own life, Chase." I looked at her, trying to believe every word she said. I knew she was right, but it still hurt.

           "I know. And I want you to understand that I don’t regret a moment of it, okay?" She nodded. We pulled up to a stop light, and she looked over at me. "I love you, Dag. It just hurts that my family has to be such assholes, and not give me the chance to live my own life without it being on their terms. Why couldn’t today be a great day for all of us? They love you, so why couldn’t they just accept the fact that you and I are more than just friends but we’re still the same people we always were." I looked out the side window. "I don’t get it."

           "Neither do I, babe. Neither do I."

           We arrived at the hall for the reception. Lots of cars were already there, and I started to get butterflies in my stomach again. The time for me to sing was coming near, and I was terrified. This would officially be the largest crowd I’d ever sung in front of, but despite the large numbers, I was really only afraid of one person. How sad was that?

           Carla, Todd, his parents and mine all stood at the door to greet the guests coming in. God, I didn’t want this. I had to grit my teeth to stop myself from running or crying. Dag was behind me, her hand discretely on my back for comfort, especially the closer we got to the heart of my family. We had to go through the wedding party, first. Finally it was our turn to see Carla and Todd.

           "Chase." My sister pulled me into a tight hug when she saw me. Finally letting me go, she looked at me. "You look really nice," she said, approval in her voice.

           "What, were you afraid I’d show up in jeans and a tank?"

           "It crossed my mind." She grinned.

           "Yeah, yeah." I hugged her again, all the feelings I had had before seeming to shrink under the idea of my sister married. "I can’t believe it," I said, trying to not choke up.

           "I know. Pretty amazing, isn’t it?" I looked at the two of them, looking so much in love.

           "Good luck you guys."

           "Thank you, Chase," Todd said, smiling.

           "Are you ready to do this?" Carla asked.

           "I don’t know. I haven’t seen her since April. God, what will she say to me?"

           "I meant the singing."

           "Oh." I grinned, embarrassed. Guess you know what was on my mind. "Yeah, I think so."

           "I can’t wait," she said. "We’ll see you in there. Hey, Dagny."

           "Congratulations, Carla." The voices faded to the back of my mind as my mother came into view. She was two people ahead in the line, and her eyes were on me as she waited for the next person to pass by. The look on her face was that of contempt. That was all it took. My mushy center had turned hard and cold. If she wanted to play it this way, so could I.

           I congratulated Todd’s parents, and moved my way up to my mother. I walked in front of her, deciding to stop. I turned to face her, her eyes boring into mine. Her jaw was set, her chin raised. I did the same. It was a silent stand-off, mother against daughter, though no one would win. No one ever did.

           Finally I had had enough, and I turned away, not saying a word, moving on to my father. Dagny smiled at my mother, but she didn’t see Dag as worthy enough for her precious time. Moving up behind me, Dagny walked away from her, seemingly unfazed by the coldness.

           "Hello Chase," my father said. His shoulders were slumped and he looked tired.

           "Hello, dad."

           "How are you?"

           "Fine."

           "I want to talk to you later," he said quietly.

           "Sure. I’ll be around." With a nonchalant shrug, I moved on.

           "Dagny," he said, his voice stern, strong.

           "Mr. Marin," she said, hers just as polite.

           "Are you okay, baby?" Dag asked quietly as we made our way into the hall. I nodded, not trusting my voice to speak. Never in my life had I experienced something so pointless, so absolutely ridiculous than the way my mother acted just now. I was appalled, surprised, hurt and angry. Would this ever end?

           Dinner was served, prime rib and salad and incredible desserts. I had no idea how Carla and Todd had managed to pay for all this. I’m sure my parents helped out. Hell, they won’t help me with my college education anymore, but by god let’s give Carla one hell of a wedding.

           We sat at a table with strangers, my parents at the family table with the happy couple and Todd’s brother. I had never felt so uncomfortable in all my life. I just wanted to sing my song and leave.

           I wasn’t sure if the folks we sat with were part of Todd’s family, or friends of theirs from school, but Dag had started to chat with the guy who sat next to her. Soon they had me into the conversation, and I began to feel a bit better, like people actually did see me. It wasn’t long after that, that the bride and groom were up on the stage.

           "Can I have your attention, please?" Todd said into the microphone, looking around at all of the guests. Silverware clattered as people stopped eating, and gave him their attention. "First of all, I’d like to thank you all for coming. This has truly been a wondrous day for us." He looked at my sister and smiled. "Though I have to admit, I’m not sure which bill I’ll be paying for longer, my wedding or med school." This got a chuckle from people, even from me. "As I get older I discover more and more about life and the people in it. People do shape your life. They can make it a wonderful experience," again he looked at Carla, "or they can make it pure hell." I glanced over at my mother, surprised to see her looking down at her hands. "I want to thank Carla Marin, yes she’s keeping her last name, for being who she is, and for agreeing to be my wife." I looked at my sister, who had tears in her eyes. He leaned over and kissed her. This won a round of "Awww," and applause. Carla took the microphone.

           "Hello, everyone. You know, going into this, I had no idea these dresses were such a pain to get into." Again, I chuckled. Who knew my sister and Todd had a sense of humor? Huh. "But, it’s all worth it." She turned adoring eyes on her new husband. I felt a hand on my leg under the table, and turned to see Dag smiling at me. I smiled back, squeezing her fingers. "Thank you, Todd, for asking me to be in your life. I love you." Another kiss. Normally I would have been plenty irritated by now, but I did understand. As I looked at Dagny I realized just what love could make you do, and how funny you looked doing it.

           "Everyone, I’d like to introduce a very special person who will be singing for us." My head jerked back to the stage to see Todd at the mic again. He looked over at us and smiled at me. "Carla’s baby sister, Chase. Come on up, Chase." The guests clapped, and I stood on shaky legs, feeling like a brand new colt trying to walk for the first time.

           "Good luck, baby," Dag whispered. I smiled at her.

           I glanced over at my parents as I headed for the stage. My father looked surprised, but interested. My mother, furious.

           Climbing the stairs to the stage, suddenly my suit felt about three sizes too tight. God, this sucked. The band they had hired was getting set up behind me, and I took several deep breaths, trying to get my nerves under control. I ran through the words to the song in my head.

           "You ready?" the lead guitarist asked. I turned to him and nodded. Stepping up to the mic, I tried to focus my attention on Todd and Carla, but it was difficult as they were seated right next to my parents. Seeing the look of contempt on my mother’s face was almost too much to take.

           "Hello, ladies and gentlemen. I am so happy for my sister and Todd. They make a great couple, don’t they?" I began to clap for them, and soon the guests caught on and clapped also. Hey, I had to do something to avert my attention from what I was about to do. "This song is dedicated to them." The music started, and I closed my eyes for a moment, waiting for my cue, and trying to get into the state of mind that I used at Gotfry’s. Just forget about what you’re revealing to a room full of perfect strangers. Just do it, and love it.

           As I began to sing, my nerves melted off my like butter. The words were taking over, and their meaning; love, life and happiness. I smiled at the newlyweds as I sang of these things, forgetting about my mother and her pettiness. This was Carla and Todd’s day.

           The guests listened, many of them getting lost in the song themselves. I was grateful; it went off without a hitch. The song ended, and I was met with thunderous applause, including that of my father. My mother only stared, her mouth open, her eyes wide. Yeah, eat it up.

           Todd stood up. "Let’s hear it for Chase Marin." A new round of applause, Dag looking like she was about to burst with pride, her hands pounding together. I smiled at her, and she smiled back at me, letting me know I had done good. "How about another, Chase?" Yet a third round.

           "Um, sure. Any requests?"

           "Do some Elvis for us." Todd grinned, rubbing his wife’s arm. My sister had loved The King since we were kids.

           "Okay." I turned to the band and told them what I had in mind, and gladly they agreed. I stepped back up to the microphone, and let the music begin. This time I looked around the room at the guests, then finally to Dag, telling her through song how I Can’t Help Falling In Love. She looked at me, the biggest smile on her face. I could tell she was trying to hold back the emotion. I loved when my singing made her cry. It meant that what I felt had successfully been transferred to her. I loved her with my entire heart, and I wanted her to know it.

           To my surprise, Todd and Carla stood and headed for the dance floor right in front of the stage. I watched them, young love. Life is good.

           The song came to an end, and I smiled as the applause rolled in, including from the band behind me. I stood to the side, my hand out to them so they could get their well deserved recognition.

           "Thank you very much. Please enjoy the rest of the night."

           I took my leave from the stage, my mother’s eyes following me as I made my way to Dagny. I would have done anything to kiss her right then. I needed that connection with her right now. Instead of sitting, I grabbed her hand.

           "Come on." We found the nearest bathroom and headed inside one of the stalls.

           "You were fantastic, baby," she whispered, her arms around my neck.

           "Really? Did I do okay?"

           "God, more than okay!" She reached up and kissed me, I of course kissing her back. The kiss was not filled with desire or lust, just plain and simple love. "I love you, Chase."

           "I love you, too, Dag."

           My father pulled me aside after we got back to the main room and led me over to the door. I wasn’t sure what to feel or think. What did he want? Not sure what to expect, I kept up my guard, arms crossed over my chest. He also looked nervous, pacing a bit before finally standing right in front of me.

           "Well, first of all, you were really good up there." He looked at me, a mixture of pride and pain on his face. I hadn’t seen him in seven months. This ordeal had really taken its toll on him. He looked older, and very sad.

           "Thank you."

           "Why didn’t you share this with us before, Chase?" I was taken aback.

           "Are you serious? Singing isn’t med school. Would you really give a shit?"

           "Don’t talk to me that way, Chase. I am still your father." He said, his voice low so we wouldn’t be overheard. I seriously doubt anyone knew what was going on. Like he or my mom would ever reveal the true, evil nature of their youngest child.

           "Then act like it," I growled. He looked at me, stunned. I almost expected him to slap me across the face. Instead he looked down for a moment, reached into his pocket.

           "Well, anyway. The reason I brought you over here is to give you this. Your mother and I started a college fund for you and Carla when you were little. It’s paid for your education thus far, and I see no reason why it shouldn’t continue to do so. After all, it is your money." He handed me an envelope. "In there is a check for the remaining money. I hope you do finish school, Chase. But, it is yours to do with as you will." I looked at the envelope in my hand, not sure what I was feeling. Relief for one, but also I felt so very sad. My throat tightened just the slightest bit, but I quickly swallowed it down.

           "Why did it have to go like this?" My father looked at me, shook his head.

           "To be honest, Chase, I don’t know. I do not agree with what you’re doing, but, hell. I just don’t know." He ran a hand through his graying hair. "Well, anyway. There you are." He walked away. I watched him go, wondering what would be the case a year from now, two, five, ten. Where would I be, and what would I be to them?

           As the night went on, my mother still refused to even look at me, but after awhile I decided to ignore her childishness. This was Carla’s wedding, and not my chance to attack her, no matter how I may have wanted to. Dag and I had a great time. We laughed with people we met, we both even danced with a guy. That was a change.

           "Okay, it’s time to throw the bouquet!" Carla exclaimed from the stage. "All you single women, get on out there." Dag and I looked at each other, not sure if we should bother. I mean, we weren’t exactly single.

           "Come on," she said, grinning at me evilly. She grabbed me by the wrist, and dragged me out to the middle of the dance floor. We were surrounded by a whole group of single, mostly young, really giggly women and girls. I was one of the taller in the bunch, so figured I had a shot, but who knows. Carla looked at all of us, a smile on her face, the bouquet in her hands.

           "Ready?" She turned around, her back to us, and tossed that puppy high into the air. I watched it, almost as if it was in slow motion, up into the air it went, falling, falling, falling. Crap, it’s headed right for me, I think. I reached up a hand, feeling the soft petals against my skin, nearly slipping right past me, but I reached up with the other one, getting a better hold on it. I snatched it out of the air, and brought it in to my body. I looked at the beautiful, ivory roses, then turned to see Dagny looking at me. I grinned, she grinned back.

PART 16

           "ARE YOU SURE he’ll like it?" I asked, looking down at the package in my hands.

           "Yes, babe. I’m positive, for the fifth time," Dag said, thoroughly fed up.

           "Okay. But only if you’re sure." With a growl she turned to me and took me by the shoulders.

           "Chase, Jesse will like the guitar!" She shook me for good measure.

           "Okay, okay." We walked on, Dag putting her arm through mine as we looked at the different shops. We had come to the mall to look for a student guitar for Jesse, and I had been beyond thrilled when I had found one on sale. It was absolutely adorable, not full size, and just big enough for an eight-year-old boy.

           Jesse and I were ten weeks into our sessions now, and I had been beyond excited when I had gotten him to actually play Melo. He had let me get close enough to teach him some very simple chords, and I knew it was time he had his own.

           It was hard to not get frustrated, and concentrate on the progress. I wanted that little boy to talk to me so badly, wanted him to sing with me. I wanted him to have what every child his age had.

           Dagny had started up his normal sessions with her, and was surprised that he was actually responding to her even more, now. He still had not said a word, but was willing to draw her pictures, and even brought her a paper from school that he had received a gold star on.

           We headed down the hall toward the food court, when I turned to look at some benches gathered in the middle for people to sit on. A guy in particular caught my attention, and I looked again.

           "Hang on a sec, Dag." I said, heading over to him. He was sitting with an ankle crossed over his knee, his elbow resting on that as he rested his chin on his hand. He looked absolutely bored, and I grinned at that. He hates to shop, I knew.

           "So who managed to drag you to the mall?" I said, standing just a little to the side and behind Mike. He looked at me over his shoulder, then turned to face me fully.

           "Hey." He gave me a small smile. "How are you, Chase?" Standing, he gave me a hug, and I hugged him back.

           "I’m great." I indicated Dagny who stood back a bit to give me a chance to talk to him. "You remember Dagny?" He nodded, giving her a small wave. She smiled.

           "Hi, Mike." He turned back to me.

           "You look great." I looked him over, noting the normal clothes and hairstyle. Before he had looked every bit the drummer. His usual attire, a metal band shirt and torn jeans to go along with the spikes in his hair. Now, he was clean cut, although his usual stubbly beard was still there. I had to laugh at that. He once had told me he’d never get rid of that, and he had been telling the truth.

           "So do you. How’s school going?"

           "It’s going great. I’m more than half way there. I’ve been real busy, got a job, still in CID, came out, Carla got married. You know, typical stuff."

           "Whoa, wait a second." He looked at Dagny again, then at me. "You came out?" I grinned and nodded. "Oh, does that make so much sense now." He smiled, crossing his arms over his chest. "Wow. So I take it you guys are together, now?" Again I nodded.

           "It’s been interesting with the folks."

           "Yeah, I bet. That’s great about Carla. Todd?"

           "Yeah. So what about you?"

           "Well, I’m waiting for my girlfriend." He glanced over his shoulder at the Gap store behind him. "She takes forever. We’re engaged."

           "No shit?" For just a second, I felt pained. He had meant a lot to me at one time, and I still cared about him, probably always would. I was glad he was happy, though. "That’s great, Mike. Really."

           "Thanks." He looked down to hide his obviously proud smile. "I also went back to school. I just finished up getting my associates in graphic design." I looked at him, stunned.

           "Who are you and what have you done with Michael?" He smiled. "Good for you."

           "Well, it looks like things have turned out well for us both, I guess." I nodded.

           "Yeah, it does. I wish you well, Mike. I always did."

           "You, too, Chase." He leaned down and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. "See you around."

           "Yeah. Bye." With one last smile, I turned to Dag, and we walked away.

 *  *  *

           I paced the room nervously, hoping this wasn’t going to be too much for him. I had the guitar laying on the table, ready for its new owner to take it home. Oh, I hoped he liked it. No matter how good Dag was at her job, she admitted she really didn’t know how he’d react, either. I really wasn’t sure why I was so worried. I think it boiled down to my really caring for this little guy, and wanting him to have a normal life. I had come so far with Jesse, and for it all to be taken away now, or ruined, that would nearly kill me.

           "Hon, you have to learn some professional distance," Dagny told me one night. "It’s great that you care so much for Jesse, hell I do, too. But, in the end, he will go on and you can’t go with him."

           I knew this, but I also knew I would do whatever it took to get through to him.

           The door to the outer office opened, and I knew it would be a matter of moments before Jesse would be here and see his gift. I had called Ava to see what her thoughts were on it, and if it was okay. She had started crying, telling me she thought her grandson would be overjoyed. We’ll see.

           Jesse and Ava appeared, both looking a bit sullen.

           "You guys okay?" Dagny asked, walking over to the older woman and the little boy.

           "This one got into a fist fight yesterday." She said, looking down at her grandson. I looked at Jesse to see the slight discoloration under his right eye. Jeez, eight and already had a shiner.

           "What happened?" Dag asked, kneeling down to look at his face. He glared at her, then up at me.

           "I don’t know. I think some little kid made fun of him, or something. The teacher said Jesse threw the first punch."

           "Hey, Jess. How are you?" Dagny asked, smiling at him. He wouldn’t respond.

           "Those kids, they’re so mean sometimes. They tease him because he is different than they are." Ava was obviously upset by this, tears beginning to well in her dark eyes as she stroked her grandson’s hair. I looked at him with concern. Just the sort of thing I didn’t want to happen to him. I knew as he got older it would get worse. Kids were cruel.

           "Hey, big guy. Guess what?" I took a step forward, he looked at me, but did not step away. This was good. "I got you a little something. Wanna see what it is?" He stared at me, seemingly unsure of what to do. I decided to take a different angle. "Do you like birthday parties, Jesse?" He nodded. I smiled. "So you like it when you get presents?" Again he nodded, this time accompanied by the tiniest of smiles. "Well, come here, then."

           I walked toward the table, knowing Dag and Ava were watching closely. The three of us had been excited about this all week, curious to see how Jesse would react. I picked up the wrapped guitar, a dark blue bow tied around it. I had managed to get out of the boy through questions and gestures that blue was his favorite color.

           Jesse stood with his grandmother for a moment before deciding to walk over to me. He stood about a yard away, but his eyes were lit up. It was good to see this; I figured we would have a major setback from the fight.

           "This is for you, Jesse. Now, you have to let your sisters see it, too, okay?" He looked up at me, then at the gift, slowly nodding. I gently nudged the guitar toward him, and he looked at it for a few moments before grabbing it and picking it up. I could almost read his thoughts, wondering what it was by its weights, slightly shaking it. I stood back, my arms crossed over my chest, afraid to breathe. My little charge turned the brightly colored package around in his hands, studying it. I was fascinated by the way his brain worked. Since I’d been working with him for the last three months, I thought he’d be a good scientist or even architect. He was creative, analytical and intelligent. Now if I could only get him to say even one word.

           The sound of ripping paper brought me out of my reverie as he tore into the gift, throwing the paper aside. When he saw what it was, his eyes opened wide, and he looked up at me.

           "It’s yours, Jess." He stared for a moment longer before his eyes wandered down to the guitar in his hands, and a wide smile spread across his lips, seeping up into his eyes. He turned and hurried over to his grandmother, lifting his gift for her to see.

           "What did you get, boy?" she asked, kneeling down. "A guitar?" He nodded vigorously. I glanced at Dag to see she was watching, too. Her eyes met mine, and we shared one of those great shared moments of silent discussion. Turning back to Jesse, I saw him slowly walking back toward me, the guitar held out to me. I wasn’t sure what he was doing.

           "What’s up?" I asked, looking down at him. He thrusted it toward me. "I don’t know what you want, Jess."

           "He wants," Ava began, but Dag stopped her.

           "No. Let him tell her." He refused to say anything, just held the guitar out to me.

           "Do you want me to teach you how to play?" He nodded, smiling. I casually sat in a chair, my arm hanging over the back. "You know, Jesse, this guitar is yours, and it is a gift, but it does not come without a price." He looked at me, narrowing his eyes a bit. "If you want to learn how to play it like I play Melo, you have to talk to me." He just stared, then looked down at the guitar in his hands. "Can you do that for me?" Not looking at me, he shrugged. "Jesse?" Dark eyes met mine. "Can you?" finally, with a small sigh, he nodded.

 *  *  *

           I smiled, thinking back that day with Jesse. I would never forget the little guy, no matter how many kids I talked to or helped.

           "Yo, Chase. You in outer space, or what?" I turned, Shanita staring at me as if I’d lost my mind.

           "Sorry. What did you ask?"

           "I asked what happened to the kid?" I sighed, staring into the face of this very troubled girl, fifteen, and already kicked out of her house. She was a pretty girl, smooth, dark skin, her hair in dreads. This was our third meeting, and I knew we still had a lot of work.

           "Well, I began to teach him how to play the guitar, then it was the most wonderful Christmas present I could ever have gotten." I smiled at the memory. Shanita stared at me, and though she tried to hide it behind her tough act and androgynous clothes, I could tell she wanted to know. "He came in, just two days before his tenth birthday. He had his guitar with him, ready to go, and we talked, well I talked, about what Christmas songs we should play that day. As I started to play Jingle Bells, Jesse looked up at me, his great big dark eyes, much like yours, Shanita, and he smiled at me. I looked at this kid like he’s lost his mind." The girl smiled, but only for a second before turning stoic on me. "He opened his mouth, and I swear I’ll never forget this, he opened his mouth and said my name."

           "Chase?"

           "Yep. He said Chase. I stared at him, dumbstruck to hear another voice in that room besides mine for the past year and a half. What did you say?" I asked, nearly throwing my own guitar to get to him faster. He smiled at me, very proud of himself."

           "Damn. Why’d he say your name as his first word?"

           "I don’t know. But, I was just glad to hear it. It amazes me to think he’s now, let’s see here. Around eighteen years old." For a moment I was taken aback, how fast time does fly.

           "So what about that Dagny chick? What ever happened to her? You still wid her?"

           "Oh, yes. In fact, we hit ten years last week."

           "No shit!"

           "No shit."

           "Damn, that’s cool."

           I sat forward in my chair, forearms resting on my thighs. "The reason I told you all this is that you have to understand things do change, Shanita."

           "Hell, my parents don’t give nothing about me, though, Chase. Fuck, man, my dad kicked my ass when he found me an’ Nora together. He don’t care."

           "You are so young, Shanita, and you have a jump start on your peers just because you have a clear picture of who you are. That’s a great place to start."

           "Man, I wish things could turn out for me like they did you. The only thing that makes me feel better is that you was screwy as a kid." I laughed, patted the girl on the knee.

           "Thanks, Shanita. I appreciate it." She grinned. "Okay, well our time is up. I’ll be here again next week, as you know. Same time, same channel." I grinned, so did she as I stood. "Okay, you. I have to go pick up my son." Shanita stood, and put her hands in her pockets, suddenly looking very shy.

           "Um, I just kind of wanted to say thank you, and all, know what I’m sayin’? You telling me about your past when you was young, and all." I smiled, putting my hand on her shoulder. She would be tall, already standing a good few inches taller than me.

           "You got it. I’ll see you next week."

           "Oh hey, and tell the cute blonde chick hi for me." She grinned wide as I headed out of the room.

           "Which cute blonde chick?"

           "The one you is celebrating a decade with. Man, you’s a honky."

           "Thank you, Shanita. I take my honkyness quite seriously."

           "Man, get outta here."

           I laughed all the way out to my car.

           As I drove to the daycare center, I thought about my session with Shanita today, and it made me so angry to think of what this poor girl had to go through. Her parents were not the richest people in Portland, but they were not living on the streets, either. Shanita was one of five children, she being the second to the oldest. She was a gay teen, and had been caught with her girlfriend. Her father had beat the crap out of her, then had kicked her out. Shanita was now at a shelter for runaway teens.

           I was working with four other girls here at the shelter, but Shanita was the only one who was a lesbian, and struggling with its effect on her family and life. This shelter was on my schedule three days a week; I also worked with kids at the detention hall outside of town, visiting them twice a week, then off to Green Meadows, the alternative high school where kids who could not handle regular high school for one reason or another, went to school. Four times a month I also worked with the kids at a local elementary school.

           "Hey, Chase. How are you, hon?" I smiled at Martha, Hunter’s daycare lady.

           "Not too bad. How about yourself?"

           "Pretty good. Our little man here got into a spot of trouble today, though." I looked down at my two year old son who sat with a group of kids playing cars. He looked at me with his big blue eyes, trying to get the puppy dog look in there. I walked over to him, grabbing him up under the arms and lifting him high into the air. He squealed with delight.

           "What did you do, big guy?"

           "Nothin’." He smiled when I set him down again. I looked at the older woman.

           "Biting again?" She nodded. I turned scornful eyes on him. "What did I tell you about that, Hunter?" He threw his bottom lip out. "Hun uh. Don’t even try that." I looked to the daycare worker again. "I’m sorry, Martha. We’ve really been working with him on that."

           "No harm, dear. I just thought you should know."

           "Thanks. See you Monday. Let’s go, fella."

           I got Hunter strapped into his car seat, and pulled the Lincoln Navigator out of the space, headed home. Tonight was my night to make dinner as Dag was still seeing patients until six. Tonight was also a special night for Hunter as Carrie and Paul were bringing their five-year-old and two-year-old, Brianne and Jake, to our house. They went out once a month for a night on the town with just the two of them, and we watched the rugrats for them. They had very busy and stressful lives, Paul a professor at the University of Oregon, and Carrie a painter, her work in some of the greatest galleries in Oregon.

           I pulled into the garage, turning the car off, and opening the back to get my boy out.

           "Come on, big guy." I unstrapped him, lifted him to rest on my hip as I headed into the house. Our dog Gracie, a beautiful husky fur ball, barked excitedly as I walked through the kitchen. "Hello, baby. How’s my girl?" I knelt down, letting her greet me and Hunter with excited wags of her tail and licks to our faces. When I received a tongue in my mouth that wasn’t Dag’s, I knew greetings were over. Hunter followed me around as I put his diaper bag in the closet, and headed for the answering machine. He rambled on and on about his day, and all the toys he played with at "dare". He hadn’t quite figured out that there were two words to day care, and dare wasn’t one of them.

           Hitting the play button on the answering machine, I started on making my specialty, homemade pizza for tonight. Hunter happily munched on a graham cracker and his little cup of juice as I kneaded the dough.

           The first message was from Dagny’s mom telling us they’d be able to make it in two weeks. I smiled, knowing Dag would be thrilled. The next message caught me, and I stopped, listening.

           I could not stop the grin from spreading across my face as I grabbed the cordless from the breakfast bar, and quickly dialed Dag’s voicemail.

           "Hey, beautiful. I just wanted to call and tell you I love you, and to hurry home. I am not handling these monsters all by myself. Oh, and Joie called. Seven pounds, nine ounces, twenty inches long. I love you."

           I set the phone back down, and continued with my pizza. My mind began to wander back to a time so long ago. Talking to Shanita today, it made me realize just what I have. Things were not absolutely perfect, of course. Life isn’t perfect, and nor are the people who comprise it. Even so, I had an incredible woman by my side, and a son who was beautiful, smart, sometimes a little too much for his own good, and a wonderful career and house.

           Taking my little journey back through my early life for that troubled girl today told me so much. It had been such a hard time in some ways, but a valuable time, too. I had learned who I was and where I was going.

           After graduation I decided to go on for my masters while Dag finished up her doctorate. She got a job at the university until I finished, then we both found work in Portland, Oregon. We’d been here ever since. The climate was great, the landscape beautiful, and the people friendly and giving.

           Five years ago we had started discussing children, Dag’s clock ticking so loud it kept me awake at night. Finally I had agreed, and we had started to look into having a baby. Dagny got pregnant three years ago, and I have to admit, I was not so happy about it. I was scared that I would turn out to be the kind of parent mine were. Dagny assured me that this would not be the case, but still I wondered. The day arrived, a rainy day in December, Hunter Marin-Robertson was born. He was so beautiful, just like his mother. His fair skin and hair, but blue eyes like the father. He was truly the biggest joy I could have ever imagined. He and Dagny made my life complete.

           Carrie and Paul had followed us to Portland a year later, Dag getting Paul on with the local university where she still taught classes part time. He also still taught there, receiving his tenure four years ago. Natalie and I still spoke on occasion, I’d say about four or five times a year either through email or phone calls. She, married to her career, was a geneticist in New Jersey, and had also decided to come in two weeks. Dagny was so excited about it, finally making it known to our friends and family.

           Family. Ah, now there was an interesting subject. My father and I have made great strides to try and keep a relationship. He had come by himself to both my graduations, which had meant so much to me. My mother and I had not spoken in far too many years. Once Hunter was born, my father made her come to Oregon, and when she saw his little face, I swear I saw a light go off in there somewhere. She took him in her arms and began to cry. We were not close by any means, but she did call on occasion, and we see them for Christmas about every second year. She was interesting.

           Now Carla, however, and I turned out to be surprisingly close. She and Todd practiced in D.C. in the family practice they had started six years ago thanks to donations from his and our fathers. They had yet to have children, so my dad was beside himself to have a grandson in Hunter. He was the greatest grandfather, far better then I had ever imagined. But then, he was almost retired now, so had the time.

           I put the pizza in the oven, and just as I closed the door, the garage door opened.

           "Hunter, boy, mommy’s home."

           "Mommy?" He came tearing around the corner, toy car in his hand. "Mommy, mommy!" I grinned as I watched his face light up, blue eyes huge with excitement.

           "Hunter!" could be heard from the other side of the door to the house from the garage.

           "Mommy!"

           "Hunter?" This was a game they played nightly until finally Dagny appeared, and our son nearly squealed at the sight. Dag, looking gorgeous in her green skirt suit, waked in, picking up the little guy as she did. "How are you, baby boy?" she said, kissing his forehead.

           "Good, mommy. Pizza!" he exclaimed, pointing to the oven.

           "Pizza?" He nodded, a grin on his face. "Sounds yummy." Again he nodded. She kissed him again, and walked over to me. "So? Is it Aaron or Erin?" I smiled, walked over to her and kissed her soundly on the lips.

           "Hello to you, too."

           "I’m sorry, baby." She said against my lips. "I just was so excited after getting your voicemail. I missed you today."

           "I missed you, too. Are you ready for three monsters and homemade pizza?"

           "Well, I’m ready for pizza." We smiled and kissed again. "Okay, so tell me." She looked at me, nearly holding her breath.

           "It’s Erin."

           "Yes! I just knew it would be a girl." She put Hunter down, and grabbed the phone. "I’m so excited for them." As she dialed the number she glanced over at me. "Don’t you think it’s time to get a permanent playmate for Hunter?" She wiggled her eyebrows. "And remember, you promised me you’d have the next one."

           "Of course I promised you that, you were in the throes of labor. I would have promised you anything." I grinned when she smacked me with the kitchen towel. As she left her message of congratulations on Joie and Jenny’s answering machine, I looked at both my son and my partner, and I thought to myself, how could life get any better?

 *  *  *

           I re-read what I had just written, humming along with the notes. Yeah, this was good. I wanted to write a song to let Dagny know just exactly how I felt about her, our son and our life together on such an important day.

           This was her day as she’d dreamed of a ceremony for our love for years now. To me it had seemed pointless. We were happier not married than my parents had been with thirty-odd years of marriage under their belt. But, she had won me over, saying she wanted something special for us and those who cared about us. She also wanted to set a good example for Hunter.

           Sitting in the basement where all my musical equipment was, and where my band practiced, I grabbed Melo and began to strum her, the intro into the song soft and gentle. I began to sing.

 Precious

The years have passed quickly
 Since that stormy night
 When my world went off kilter
 And your love was in sight.
 It always astounds me
 Each morning I wake
 The look in your eyes
 Is mine for the take

 Chorus:

 Your breath on my skin
 Keeps my fears at bay
 The look in your eyes
 Gets me through each day
 There is nowhere
 I’d rather be
 Than in your arms
 Tucked ever gently

 Before you admitted
 To feeling the same
 I hoped beyond hope
 You’d one day whisper my name
 With love on your lips
 Matching that in your eyes
 I thought of you often
 With nothing but sighs

 Chorus

 Now when you’re not near
 I’m dying of thirst
 With you by my side
 My full heart will burst
 For your hands give me strength
 Your words, my power
 There’s nothing I can’t do
 With you I stand tall, never cower

 Chorus

 With you in my life
 My puzzle piece fits
 There is no strife in my days
 You inspire such bliss
 And now there are three
 In this family of ours
 Each moment is precious
 Ev’ry minute, every hour.

           I stopped playing, looked into the eyes of Dagny. I smiled as I saw the tears that had already begun to gather, lazily falling down her cheeks. She sat next to me on the stage, looking beyond beautiful in her dress, ivory satin, but simple. She looked at me with such love in her eyes that it reached out and touched me until I, too was choked up.

           "I love you, Dagny." I leaned over and kissed her.

           "I love you, too, Chase." Kissing me back, we didn’t even hear the clapping of our guests. I felt someone tugging at my the arm of my pants suit. I turned to see Hunter staring up at me, his blue eyes filled with worry as both his mommies were crying.

           "Hey, big guy." I grabbed him, pulling him onto my lap before my eyes returned to Dag’s. Yeah, this was the way it should be.

           THE END