 Table of Contents

            PART 1

            PART 2

            PART 3

            PART 4

            PART 5

            PART 6

            PART 7

            PART 8

            PART 9

            PART 10

            EPILOGUE

           FIRST

By

KIM PRITEKEL

           Ebook by
 PDAFiction.com

           Disclaimers: These two really nifty ladies are strictly a figment of my overactive imagination, so don't get too excited.

           Subtext: Yup.  These here ladies are of an alternative nature.  Ain't it cool?

           Violence: Nah.  Not unless you view catching a few fish as cruel and violent.

           Language: There may be some, but nothing extremely horrible.

           Note: This story does somewhat contain the Kleenex factor at times.  Especially the end, so do be prepared.

           If you'd like to tell me what a wonderful writer I am, or that I royally suck, feel free at:

           XenaNut@hotmail.com

           Copyright 2001 Kim Pritekel

           For Jen.  I love you, and hurry home!

           FIRST

  PART 1

           THE LINE HUNG silent on my end.

           "Emmy?  Are you there?" my big brother Billy asked, worry marking his deep voice.

           "Yeah, Billy I'm here.  Are you sure?  Dead?"  I could not bring myself to believe that she could possibly be gone at only thirty-four.  What did he say she had died of?  Breast cancer?  Couldn't be.  She's far too young for that.  Isn't she?  "I have to go, Billy.  Someone is calling in on the other line." I lied.

           "Okay, Emmy.  I'm sorry I had to call you at work.  Are you sure you're okay?  I mean I know you two had been such good friends when you were kids and all."

           Friends.  If only they had known the truth about Beth and I.  Wiping those thoughts and memories from my mind I said, "That's okay.  I'm glad you told me.  Thanks Billy."

           "Yeah.  Hey, come home now and then.  I know they give you parole now and then in The Big Apple."  I grinned into the phone.

           "Yeah.  Now and then.  Bye, Billy."

            I gently set the receiver into its cradle and sat back in my chair and looked around my cramped office.  I was an up and coming lawyer at the law firm of James/Parks/Stone where I had worked my butt off to win the favor of the sexist partners over my male peers.  Not an easy task, but one I performed with gusto..

           Perhaps I would take some personal time off and go to the funeral.  I was due for some time off anyway.  I would catch a flight out to Denver, Colorado, and head south to Pueblo where I grew up, and had not been for some time.  I could still see all the neat rows of modest sized homes, all painted similar colors.  Gray barbecue smokes wafting up over the six-foot wood privacy fences.  The perfect Norman Rockwell neighborhood.  The town held nothing for me anymore.  Not that it ever really did.  But it had been awhile since I'd seen my parents and Billy.  His kids were growing up so fast.  He may have even had a daughter that I'd never seen.

           I stood from my desk and walked over to the window that looked out over a park that was next to the building, and watched as a man was walked by his overly enthusiastic Great Dane.  The last time I had seen Beth had been in that park.  I rested my forehead against the cool glass.  She had come up to New York to see me, and the short visit had been uncomfortable and strained at best.  I remember how tired she had looked.  Thin, too, which made her tall frame seem lanky and gaunt.  I realized then that that day would be one of those that can haunt a person for the rest of their lives.  What if.  I sighed.  I didn't believe in what ifs.  If did nothing to worry and think of all the things that were over and done with, and could not be changed.  But still....

           With a sigh I turned back to the pile of files and papers on my desk.  I really ought to clean it up.  I smiled to myself.  Never could keep my mind on one thing.  Suddenly with the force of a blow to the stomach I plopped down into my chair, a malformed sob ripping from my throat.  I gripped the arms of my chair with a fierceness that surprised me, and closed my eyes.  I squeezed them tight as I fought the emotion that was trying to make its way to the surface.  Finally I could breath again.  After a couple of deep breaths I had myself under control again, and decided that maybe it was best to start that personal time today.  I sent a quick email to John Stone, one of the senior partners, explaining my sudden departure, gathered my belongings and headed toward the door.

           "Ms. Thomas?" my secretary, Lois asked as I locked and closed my office door, suit jacket and briefcase in hand.

           "I'm leaving for the day, Lois.  If anyone calls please transfer them to my voice mail.  If any of the partners wish to speak with me then transfer them to my home phone.  It's in the Rolodex."

           "Why certainly, Ms. Thomas.  Is everything all right?  You look a bit out of sorts today.  Are you feeling all right?  Shall I call Ms. Kelly?"  Lois Wutherman, my trusted secretary of two years was a kind, older woman who had been born and raised in London until she moved to the U.S. with her husband after World War II, or what she called "the big one".  She looked at me with her large brown eyes hidden behind enormous bifocals, her silver hair piled on top of her head.  I often wondered just how long her hair actually was, though she never, ever wore it down.  Probably thinking it was in bad form for a lady.  I smiled to myself at the thought.

           "No, I'm fine.  That's not necessary.  I've just got some personal business to take care of." I said, though for just a moment I fought the urge to perch at the corner of her desk, and spill my guts to this kind woman who had mothered me through disappointments at work, fights with my lover, and a car accident two years ago.  But for some reason this I could not share with her.

           "Well," she said taking one of my hands in both of hers and patting it in her usual motherly way said, "Whatever it is t'will all be fine." she smiled as she could read the strain in my green eyes, and see that annoying wrinkle that appeared between them and gave away my stress level.

           "Thank you, Lois.  I'm sure it will." with a deep breath I walked past her desk, out of the office and past the receptionists desk to leave the firm all together.  The early afternoon air of downtown New York hit my face and nostrils with an intense force, the cool autumn air sharp and biting.  I found my car and pressed the button on the little alarm box on my key chain, releasing the locks with a chirp.  I climbed behind the wheel, and tossed my briefcase and jacket onto the seat next to me, stared out at the busy street, my hands placed on the wheel, my mind in another place, another time.  Beth.  I could still see the expectant look in those blue eyes as she stared at me, standing next to the park bench.

           "What, don't I even rate a hug?"

           I shook my head to clear it, and turned on the engine.

           I shared a modest townhouse on the outskirts of the city with my lover, Rebecca.  It was  spacious with big windows to allow all the sunlight of the day.  The brick-faced front opened up to a small yard, the autumn yellow grass lining the driveway on either side.  Come spring, flowers would be popping up in the planters that Rebecca had scattered around the yard.

           My black Persian, Simon met me at the door, his thick tail waving in confusion at my being home so early.

           "Hi, baby." I crooned as I picked up his considerable bulk,  rubbing my cheek against the soft fur of his neck.  After a few moments of greeting Simon let me know he'd had enough and fought my tight embrace.  I let him down to return to one of his numerous daily naps, and headed for the kitchen.  I could not get Beth out of my head.  Why?  Why hadn't she told me that she had been sick when she had the chance?  I could feel my shock begin to succumb to anger.  I walked over to the sink and leaned on its sturdy surface, my head hanging.  I could feel the tears welling up in my throat, wanting to spill forth and overtake me completely.  The myriad of emotions was overwhelming.  I fought the urge, but suddenly my cheeks were wet with the onslaught of tears that ran down my face and landed into the stainless steel double sink.  PLOP.  PLOP.  My pain and self-pity were interrupted by the shrill ring of the phone that lay on the counter by the Mr. Coffee.  I decided to let the machine pick up.

           "Hello you have reached Emily and Rebecca.  We cannot come to the phone right now, so leave a message at the beep and we will get back to you as soon as possible."  Beep.

           "Yes, this message is for Emily.  Hi this is William Parks, and your secretary told me-" I pushed away from the sink, and wiped at my eyes as I walked toward the cordless.

           "Hi, Bill." I said snatching up the receiver. "Yes, I did.  We have had a death in the family, and I had some personal time coming,-"

           "Of course, of course.  By all means take care of you.  The criminals of New York will wait." Parks said with one of his famously fake laughs.  "You take all the time you need.  These things can be so difficult." he lowered his voice for a more dramatic affect.  I fought the urge to tell him to stick his pity up his ass.  Bill Parks cared about no one and nothing but Bill Parks.  He was one of my bosses, so I thanked him for his kind words and assured him that John Dithers would take on my Holstead case in my absence.  I was grateful to hang up with the pretentious, pompous man.  He was my least favorite of all three senior partners.  The kind of lawyer that jokes are made about.

           I tuned off the ringer and walked over to the fridge.  The remains of our left over linguini stared me in the face as did the two-day-old pizza, still in its blue and white Domino's box.  Disgusted with the thought of food I walked over to the living room, and plopped myself down on the couch, my hands lying limply next to me.  I stared out the French doors out into the small backyard.  I felt so empty, as if all my insides had been taken out, and I was left with nothing.  I sighed deeply, then an idea occurred to me.  I walked to the hall closet, and on tiptoe reached up and grabbed the three white photo albums that had been the source of much comfort in my life, as well as painful reminders.  I felt a need to delve into the past, a past when Beth Sayers was still alive.  A time when she was my best friend, my lover, my confidante, and just my neighbor.  I felt a need to rediscover this woman who had stolen my heart, and had never given it back.

           With sweating palms I carefully flipped open the cover, almost as if I were entering a sacred realm.  The first half of my photo album was filled with baby pictures of Billy, and then four years later of me.  Me at age three heading to my first day of ballet lessons, which from what I am told I hated, but my mother thought I looked so darn cute in my white tights and pink tutu.  There is a picture of Billy and me dressed up for Halloween.  The caption said he was nine and I was five.  I don't remember ever wanting to dress as a princess, but I guess at some time I must have felt the urge.  There I was holding my trick or treat bag with Billy dressed as a sheriff holding my hand, impatient smiles plastered on our cherubic faces.  Ah!  Now that one is more like me.  I was sitting in the middle of a large sandbox with some little red headed girl that I don't remember at all, a large green bucket of sand forever poised over that mane of red hair.  I had to smile despite my dead heart beating limply in my chest.

           Skipping a few years I finally came across the time when Beth came into my life.  It did not seem like there was ever a time when she wasn't.  Now I would never hear her wild laugh again; never see those twinkling blue eyes looking with so much love into my own green eyes.

           I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before opening them again to stare down at us.  In the beginning it had been me who had pursued her for a friendship.  During the summer of my tenth year many of the families in the neighborhood had decided to move, taking most of my friends with them.  The Sayers' family moved into the house next door with their nine, soon to be ten year old daughter, Elizabeth, who refused to answer to anything other than Beth.  She was a shy girl, and later told me that I had intimidated her, though why I never understood.  Finally as the summer slowly crawled by with nothing to do and no one to do it with, she agreed to walk over that sacred boundary between their small, green postage stamp lawn, and our small, green postage stamp lawn and we played four square.  From that day on the two of us had been glued hip to hip.

           I turned the page to reveal us standing in front of my childhood home, the garage open to show the old Dodge my father refused to give up, and still had, except it isn't gold anymore,  it's an interesting shade of avocado green.  My father never did have any color sense.  In the picture I was wearing an old football jersey that Billy had outgrown and handed down to a tom boy sister.  My dark blonde hair half-hazardly pulled back into a ponytail.  My knees had two painful looking scrapes on them that were just beginning to scab over.  I was linked arm in arm with Beth who was wearing that Mickey Mouse shirt that I swear she would have worn day in and day out if her mother would have let her.  We had great big goofy smiles on our darkly tanned faces.  So young.  So carefree.  I read the caption that my mother had so neatly written below the Polaroid- Emmy and Beth 4th of July, 1977.  That was our second summer together.  That was also the year we kissed for the first time.

           I looked up from the photo album suddenly aware that I was hungry.  Putting the album aside, I went to the kitchen and made myself a PBJ- peanut butter and jelly, the food of choice.  I had not had one of these things since college!  Looking at all these old pictures was bringing the child out in me.  I smiled and shook my head.

           With sandwich and can of Dr. Pepper in hand I grabbed the photo albums off the coffee table, and plopped us all down on the floor.  I got to my knees and unzipped my gray, pinstriped skirt, and pushed it down over my hips, then sat to remove it and toss it aside, followed by my nylons.  Sitting in my camisole and underwear I looked at some of the other pictures on that page:

           Emmy and Beth at the zoo; Emmy and Beth in the pool; Emmy and Beth and Billy playing basketball.  Then I saw it.  The night of the school play and Beth's first starring role.  It was a silly little play called "Who Calls the Wild Wylde?" about a family by the name of Wylde who lived in the backwoods town of Looneyville.  Beth played the son, Joseph Wylde. That year she discovered her zest and love of acting.  In one scene her character had to give Miss Thelma Rooster a peck on the cheek, and she decided she wanted to practice. On me.

           Beth was spending the night at my house the weekend before the show.  We were up in my bedroom running my extensive collection of matchbox cars all over the many roads and highways, and stopping at all the good places to eat, and visiting all of our many friends along the way.  Suddenly she stopped, tiny white VW Bug in hand.

           "Let's practice!" she said, her eyes wide with this new idea she had.

           "Practice what?" I asked as I rammed my truck into the post of my bed causing a great avalanche of rock and other such debris to fall from that massive mountain that was in the middle of our town.

           "Practice my scene with me and Thelma Rooster." I could feel my stomach tighten with a strange sort of excitement.  I just looked at her as if to say, are you serious?, though I knew she was, and I prayed deep down that she wouldn't change her mind.  So I said,

           "Which one?"

           "You know, the one where I have to," she looked back over her shoulder to make sure my parents or Billy was not listening through my closed door. "Where I have to kiss her."

           "Why?  You know how to kiss.  You do have a father after all."

           "Yeah, but that's different.  He's a boy, this is a girl."

           "But you're playing a boy, so it's the same thing."

           "No it's not!  And I don't kiss him like he's my girlfriend." She said matter of factly.

           "I hope not!" I giggled, liking this game of playing hard to get.

           "Come on, Em!" she said eyeing me with those intense blue eyes that even at the tender age of eleven threw my senses out of whack, and would make me agree to anything.

           "Okay.  But first wait."   I threw my forgotten car on the floor and ran to the door.  I opened it ever so slightly and looked at as much of the hallway as I could then shut the door and leaned my huge, trusty brown teddy, Ruffles against it to guard us.  Next I went over to my window and shut my blue pastel curtains and then walked to my original spot and sat cross-legged in front of Beth.

           "Gee.  You'd think we were hiding in Fort Knox." she said.

           "What's that?"

           "Never mind.  Okay.  You have the first line." she said, looking at me expectantly.

           I don't know what the line is."

           "Oh yeah.  Okay, you look away from me and try to be all lady like and flustered because you're in my presence." I stifled another giggle.  "Then you say, 'Well good morning, Joseph Wylde.  How are you on this bright and sunny day?'"

           "Well good morning, Joseph Wylde.  How are you on this bright and sunny day?" I asked batting my eyelashes at her.  Real serious like Beth grabbed my hand and brought it to her full lips, and just barely brushed my knuckles.  A bolt of excitement raced up and down my spine.  I didn't remember Joseph doing that to Thelma in rehearsal, but I didn't say anything.  I would let Beth do whatever she wanted to.  After all, she was the acting expert, not me.

           "Thelma Rooster you are looking lovely as always.  Why are you out here all alone?"

           "Oohh!  I remember this line!" I exclaimed. "Mother's gone inside the store, Joseph."

           Beth smiled at me and nodded, then said, "Good.  Then you say, 'But you can walk me home if you like.  I'm sure she'd be understanding of my taking my leave with such a kind gentleman like yourself.'" I began to repeat the line when she stopped me and pulled me to my feet. "Let's really act it out."  she grabbed my hand and put it through her bent arm and held my hand with her other one.  "Your bedroom door will be the door to your house, okay?" I nodded than proceeded to say my line quite nicely I thought.  We walked along our path until finally she stopped short of the door to my "house".

           "It has been an honor to walk with you Thelma, that is, may I call you Thelma?" not knowing what to say, and Beth seemed to be a bit too much in character to remember to tell me so I just nodded.  She smiled at me and released my hand from her arm.  Her breath came in shallow puffs of air as her body came closer to mine.  I was nervous, scared and excited all at the same time.  She rested her hands on my shoulders then moved her head closer to mine.  I was surprised when our lips met.  I had been expecting her to kiss me on the cheek. My blood began to pound through my veins with enough electricity to short out all my thoughts.  I had seen a woman close her eyes once in a movie when she was kissed by the man.  Thinking this must be the correct procedure, I closed mine and sighed.

           When the kiss ended Beth pulled away and looked me in the eye.  A look of wonderment filled her face.  I was almost breathless, and certainly speechless.  I had never kissed anyone before except my parents, and my Aunt Kitty who insisted on giving me a big wet one every time I saw her, which was often.  I had never liked any of those kisses.  This was different, and I think we both knew it.  She rolled a tendril of my summer-lightened hair around one of her fingers that still rested on my shoulders and smiled.

           "Can we rehearse again?" she said quietly.  I could only nod.  She took one of her hands and brushed some fallen hair off my forehead and brought her face to mine again.  This time I wrapped my thin arms around her neck and leaned into her.  My rock.  Beth would always be the strong one.

           The play met with critical acclaim among the fifth grade class.  Mrs. Arbuckle thought Beth's performance "Much too dramatic for such a cheerful story."  What did she know?  Beth was not cast again until middle school.

           I turned the page.  I saw more school pictures of us, and snapshots taken at home.  Did my mother have nothing better to do than run after us with a camera?  As a kid if never occurred to me that she took a ton of pictures.  Now, it took an act of God to get me in front of that lens.

           As the years went by Beth became more and more detached from her peers, especially the girls.  The only way she would have anything to do with them, or talk to them was if they would challenge her or me, or make fun of either of us, or if some other girl had been the target of the masses.  Then she became a champion of anyone who became the "underdog"  If an injustice was being done, she would not hesitate to fight anyone, which she did often.  Beth could most often be found with the boys.  She was incredible when it came to basketball, or running, or any other game involving physical activity..  I smiled as I remembered Beth's slam-dunks.

           "Come on, Em.  Don't be such a wimp.  Take the ball, run up the court, and jump.  Slam it in there." I stared at Beth like she had just landed from another planet.

           "Beth, have you forgotten that you're the one who is a hundred feet tall?  I'm short, remember?"

           "So." she said as she ran by me, whacking the ball out of my hand, and dribbling it down the cement until she pushed up on her left leg, and slammed the ball into the net with a satisfying whoosh. "It's not about height, Em.  It's about ability." she landed with a smug smile on her face, her eyes daring me.  I raised my brows.  She knew I could never refuse a dare.

           "Fine.  I'll show you height.  And I'll show you ability."  I grabbed the ball that continued to bounce down the court, and ran.

           "I'm so sorry, Em.  I really thought you could do it." my best friend said as she sat next to me on our front porch, my mother holding the towel to my nose.  I glared at her with my black eye.

           Beth had a difficult home life.  Her parents married when her mother became pregnant at the tender age of sixteen.  Beth's father, Jim always made known his doubts that Beth was even his.  But I believed he loved her.  He raised her as his, and Beth loved him dearly.   Her parents remained married until she turned thirteen, then deciding that he could no longer tolerate Beth's mother's tirades and drinking, her father left the family to return to his home state of Tennessee.  Beth did not see him for years at a time.

           To stay away from her house and the steadily increasing abuse of her mother,  Beth would come over to mine, and I think in her mind she saw my mother and father as her own.  Billy loved her.  In his eyes it was almost like having the younger brother he had always wanted.  Beth and I would lay out on my back lawn and stare up into the night sky trying to count all the stars we could see.  She would often cry silently, the tears just flowing down her cheeks, rolling down the sides of her face to collect in her ears.  She would shiver, and blame it on the cool night air.

           I had to give my mother credit.  She tried to be everything that Nora Sayers wasn't.  She coddled her, taught her things, and showed her that Beth counted, and was loved.  By all of us.  Beth clung to that sense of security, wrapping it around herself like a blanket.

           I came across a picture of the three of us on a fishing trip just before the Sayers' separated.  Billy had just turned seventeen, so my parents decided to give him a chance to prove himself responsible by taking his thirteen year old sister and her twelve year old best friend fishing.

           "I am not going to bait anything for you two, so you better get over that squeamish girl stuff, and learn to do it yourself." he scolded as we backed out of the driveway of my house.  I looked at Beth who sat with me in the back seat of our huge Suburban with a look of doubt spawned by fear on my face.  She smiled at me.  I felt my fears melt away.

           "I don't need no one tying on my worms if that's what you mean.  Heck no.  I bet I could do it better than you anyway!" she said proudly.

           "Girls." Billy mumbled to himself, though through the rear-view mirror I could see the small smile play across his maturing face.

           After a long three hour drive we finally reached Carter Lake and found a good place to stay for the night.  The area was completely surrounded by huge, beautiful trees.  Beth and I got out of the car and made a slow circle of the area.  The day was warm, but the shade of so many trees made it absolutely incredible with endless shade.  The maze of trees and vegetation went on and on, and any number of adventures could be played out.

           "You thinking what I'm thinking?" Beth asked mischievously.  I gave her a smile and said,

           "See you later, Billy!" I grabbed her hand, and we ran toward the thicket of dense fantasy.

           "Hey!  You guys gotta help me!" my brother yelled.

           "We're just girls!  We can't do it anyway!" Beth yelled as we disappeared into the forest, our giggles the only clue we were there.

           After a bit we stopped running for fear of running head long into a tree trunk.  We walked hand in hand looking at the incredible beauty of God's planet.  The hillside was sloped slightly, the ground soft from recent rains.  We stepped over fallen trees, and ducked under low branches.  I looked up in wonder at the huge trees, so stoic in their existence.  Chipmunks called warnings to each other, mosquitoes and butterflies fluttered about our heads.

           "I think we should live here forever.  Never go back to school, never get jobs when we get older.  Just stay here and live off the land like Tarzan." I said wistfully.

           "Me Tarzan, you Jane." Beth said pounding her developing breasts with her fist.  I giggled.

           "No way.  Me Tarzan, and you Jane."

           "Uhunh.  I want to wear the loin cloth."  We walked on in silence.  "No I think we should be more like Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer." She said after a few moments.

           "I want to be Huck Finn!" I exclaimed thinking of the possibilities.

           "No way!  You're too brainy to be Huck.  You would make a much better Tom Sawyer."

           She let go of my hand and began to dance in a clearing we came upon.  The late afternoon sun hid half of the small valley in shadow, the large hill covered with wild grass on the opposite side rose like a golden giant behind the trees, a small stream dissecting the wild grass and flowers.  She lifted her arms to the sky and tilted her head back.

            "I want to be free!" she yelled to the silence of the mountains, her loud cry echoing in the expanse..  Only a far off bird answered.  I stood back and watched her as she danced and jumped around.  Beth was only twelve, soon to turn thirteen in October, but I could tell she would be a great beauty some day.  She had hair that was dark, almost black that shone so brightly in the sunlight, that reached to just below her shoulders.  That. in contrast with her amazing blue eyes, and beautiful skin.  I was already getting pimples, but she had none.  She was already tall for her age, and I guessed would one day be much taller than my mother was, with long legs and an athletic build..  Her incredibly active life kept her young body hard.  She was beautiful.

           Suddenly Beth stopped yelling and dancing, and turned her back to me, her hands in the pockets of her shorts.  Her shoulders slumped in defeat.

           "Beth?" I asked, my brows drawn in confusion. "Why'd you stop?"  she said nothing, but I could feel an immense sadness radiate off of her in waves.  "Beth?" I asked quietly again as I walked to her. "What is it?" I put my hand on her shoulder.  She would not look at me.  "Tell me."  Without a word she turned to me and grabbed me in a hug of desperation.  Her hands linked behind my back,  her head bent down to lay on my shoulder as she sobbed.  Alarmed, but knowing she would tell me when she was ready I wrapped her body in my hopefully comforting embrace, and stroked her hair as I whispered encouraging words into her ear just as my mother always did when I was upset.  We stood like that for maybe two or three minutes when with a final sob she said,

           "My father is leaving my mother."

           "Oh, Beth." I said stroking her back.  "I'm so sorry.  How do you know?"

           She tightened her embrace a little, and said, "I heard them fighting the other night, so I got up and walked to their door.  It was closed, but I could hear them yelling, and my mom crying.  She was telling him not to, but my dad said he had to.  He couldn't do it anymore."

           "Do what?"

           "I don't know.  I guess put up with her.  She's been coming home real late again.  Usually drunk.  In some ways I don't blame him.  I don't know." she sniffled, and was quiet.  We stood there holding each other, each with her own thoughts and fears running through our heads.

           "Are you going to go with him?" I asked, almost not able to breathe as I waited for the answer.

           "No.  He won't let me." I slowly released the pent up breath of relief, but then felt guilty.  Beth had always been much closer to her father than her mother.  With a sigh Beth pulled away from me, her hands resting on my hips.  I wiped her tears off her cheeks with my thumb.  She stared down at me, her eyes red, her face swollen with the upset.  As I looked on one single tear slid lazily down her cheek.

           "Don't cry." I whispered.  I leaned forward and reached up to kiss her forehead.  She looked so miserable.  Then I kissed her lips softly, just the barest touch of mine.  I pulled back and looked at her, trying to gauge her expression.   Her eyes were dark, burning into mine.  She moved in for another kiss, but I backed away.

           "Billy will be looking for us." I said, and dropped my hands from her body.  Beth and I had only kissed the one time last year when she did her play.  She had looked at me several times since then the way she was now.  Before I never really understood what that look meant, but now she used it again.  It was a look of wanting, like when you saw the greatest bike in a store window, and want it so badly it hurts.  Had she wanted to kiss me at another time?  Was that wanting for that?

           We began to walk back through the trees as these thoughts whirled around my immature mind.  Had I ever wanted to kiss her before?  Yes.  There had been a couple of times, but I felt too funny about it, so never brought it up.  Now looking back I know that Beth would have gone along with it, and perhaps would have even started a situation or two of her own.  She found her security, and stability in me.  But we were girls, I reasoned.  We should be kissing boys, or at least talking about it.  All my other friends did.  Weren't boys the ones that were supposed to get my heart racing like this?  Make me feel dizzy and dumb, and yet alive all at the same time?  My hormones probably just hadn't kicked in yet.  It made me too nervous to make it right.

           We emerged out of the trees to the clearing where Billy had started setting up camp for us.  His big blue tent was already up, our much smaller red one was in the creating process.  Hearing us approach he looked over his shoulder at us.

           "There you two nuts are.  Don't ever do that again, Emmy or I'll nail you to a tree, right before mom nails me to one right next to it!"

           "Sorry, Billy." I said quietly.  Both Beth and I were in much more somber moods now then when we had run off.  Hearing the difference in my voice he looked at us again.  His brows drew together in concern and curiosity, but he asked nothing.  Billy never did.

           "Well since you two think you're such land rovers, go and get some sticks to start a fire, and for marshmallows tonight.  But you two get your butts back here in fifteen minutes!" he yelled to our backs as we headed back into the trees.

           That night Beth and I lay in our tent in our separate sleeping bags.  I lay on my back staring up at the red canvas that was our protection from the rain outside.  The heavy drops pelted down tapping on our tent like it was knocking on the door; let me in.  I could hear the portable radio that Billy was listening to in his tent; it sounded like Led Zeppelin, but I had never liked his music.

           "Em?"

           "Yeah?" I turned my head to look at Beth.  She was curled up on her side facing me.  In the darkness I could just barely make out her form, and could not see her face, nor the expression in her eyes.

           "Do you think you'll ever get married?"

           "Married?"

           "Yeah.  You know, with a husband and kids."

           "I don't know.  I've thought about it, but I'd rather go to college.  I've decided what I want to be."

           "What?" she asked with interest.

           "A lawyer." I turned on my side so I could talk to her easier.  "I saw this really neat story on t.v. last week where this woman became a lawyer, and she won this case where this little boy was kidnapped by his father."

           "Why would his father kidnap him?"

           "I don't know.  Anyway, the woman, I think her name was Terry, and she helped the police get the boy back for the mother, then she tried the case in court and won.  She got to go on Donahue."

           "That is really neat.  I want to do movies.  I don't ever want to get married.  Do you think we'll be friends when we're old?"

           "Of course we will!" I exclaimed, almost offended by the question.  "We'll be friends forever."

           I loosened the plastic covering over the pictures, and took that one out, and studied it.  We had met an older couple at the lake who had volunteered to take our picture for us, so all three of us could be in it.  We stood by the lake, Billy in the fishing vest our father had given him for his last birthday, and the fish he had just caught proudly held high by the line.  Beth and I were standing next to him, our arm around each other, smiles pasted on our faces.  Now I look into the eyes of Beth and see how unhappy, and sad she was.  I wondered why I did not see how much her parent's splitting up had affected her.  Perhaps the innocents of the young does not allow you to see these things.  Beth should never have seen much of the things she was handed as a kid.

           The caption on the bottom of the picture read: Billy, Emmy and Beth catch dinner.  Spring, 1979.  Below that I had written in my childish scrawl, Emmy and Beth, Friends For Life.

           I looked up from my past to see Simon staring at me.  He had been asleep next to me, and I had not even noticed.  I picked him up, a rag doll in my hands and held him close to me, his eyes closed, purring in contentment.  I looked out the windows of the French doors that led to the backyard again.  Night was swiftly approaching as the sun took yet another curtain call for the entrance of the moon.

           "How's my boy?" I asked into his thick fur. "What do you think, Simon?  Should I let her go?  Huh?"  I stroked his ears as I got lost in thought once more.

           When we got back from the lake my mother ran out of the house to meet the car.

           "Wow.  Your mom must have really missed you guys." Beth laughed.  I did not share the joke.  I could see it on my mother's face; something was wrong.  Billy saw it, too.

           "I wonder what's up." He said as he put the Suburban into gear, and cut the engine.  My  mother ran over to the back window where Beth and I sat.

           "Beth, honey you need to get home just as soon as possible.  Your mom called me this afternoon and told me they had something very important to talk to you about."

           "They're getting a divorce aren't they?" Beth asked quietly, looking at her hands that played with the hem of her T-shirt.  My mother looked at me, her pretty face lined with worry.  She looked back to Beth, and put her hand on Beth's shoulder.

           "Why don't you go on home, hon.  If you can come back for dinner later you know you're more than welcome.  I know Emmy won't mind." She smiled in an attempt to lighten the mood.  Beth smiled politely, then slowly got out of the car.

           "Want some help with your gear, Beth?" Billy asked.

           "No, Billy.  I've got it.  Em, will you walk me home?" I looked to my mother to see what I should do.  She nodded.

           "You can walk her to the door, then you need to come back here and take your camping things in.  Okay?"

           "Okay." I climbed out of the car after Beth, and helped her to lift her big duffel bag out of the back.  With a thud the heavy bag hit the driveway, where she left it to drag on the ground by the long strap.

           "Thank you for everything." she said over her shoulder to my mother and Billy who watched from the car.

           We walked side by side, our steps perfectly matched.  I looked over at her profile.  She walked with her head up, her eyes straightforward.  I wished I could have known what was going through her mind at that moment.  We both knew the inevitable end to that journey, yet neither wished to acknowledge it.  I looked forward again, and we reached her front porch.  She dropped the bag and turned to me.

           "Wish me luck." she said with a quick hug, then headed into the house.  I stood there for a moment thinking of what this could mean.  I stared at the front of the small house, the light blue paint peeling.  Light blue chips were mixed in the dark green of the bushes that lined the front wall.  I'd never noticed how badly it needed painting before.  Two or three coats, maybe?  Maybe that's what the Sayers' needed; another coat.    I turned when I heard footsteps coming toward me.  It was Billy.

           "Come on, kiddo.  Help me lug in all those fish you caught." he mussed my hair and gave me a light punch in the shoulder.  Slowly I turned from Beth's door, and headed home.  Billy put his arm around my shoulders as we walked.

           "Will they have to leave, Billy?" I asked, looking up into the face of what would be a very handsome man someday; his eyes dark like our father's, his hair the same lights color of our mother and me.

           "I don't know, Emmy.  I just don't know.  What is that Aunt Kitty always says; keep hope alive, and doubt at bay?  you never know.  Maybe everything will be fine.  Grown up can do some pretty stupid things sometimes."

           We reached the house in silence.  Billy grabbed the camping gear and disappeared into the confines of his room.   I watched as he closed his door with the sign that read, "TEENAGER, INTELLIGENCE!  THEY SAY THE A-BOME WAS DANGEROUS."  Another that read, "Beware, boy bites."

           With a sigh, I went to the kitchen where my mother was beginning to make dinner.  I plopped myself down in one of the kitchen chairs with a sigh and watched her work.

           "want to help?" she asked turning to me, the dish towel over her shoulder.

           "No.  I'm never getting married, so why should I learn to cook?"

           "You're not, huh?"

           "Nope.  I've decided." I said with finality.

           "You do have to eat still." she smiled.

           "I'll eat out."

           "Well then, I hope you're rich.  So why aren't you ever getting married?"

           I shrugged.  "I don't know."

           I looked at the pile of dinnerware on the table waiting to be placed.  A stack of yellow linen napkins were folded neatly topped by five wooden napkin rings that were n shapes of elongated cats carved to touch the tip of its nose to the tip of its tail.  I picked one of them up and swung it around my finger.

           "Why five?" I asked, showing my mother the napkin ring.

           "Your Aunt Kitty is coming over for dinner." I nodded acknowledgment.

           "Why did you marry dad?"

           Because I loved him." my mother said as she turned back to the stove to stir the mashed potatoes.

           "Can I do that?" I asked, eyeing the an of potatoes.

           "Sure you can.  But you may not want to ruin your non-domestic reputation." my mother gave me a sly smile over her shoulder.

           "Can you keep a secret?" I giggled.

           "You got it, kiddo."

           I leaped up from my chair and took the big wooden spoon from her hand.

           "But why did you get married?"

           "Well, when a man loves a woman-"

           "Oh, mom I know all that stuff.  But why get married?  Can't people just live together, or live close by each other?  Aunt Kitty isn't married to Ron."

           "You could, I suppose, like Kitty, but that is just what we do.  I hope that she will marry Ron some day.  Lord knows he's proposed enough times.  Being married is the better way to go.  For many reasons.  When you meet that certain someone you’ll understand.  you'll want to be close to them all the time, and you want to do things with them and go places with them."

           My mom put a pan of rolls in the oven.

           "Can I marry Beth?" I asked, turning to look at her.  Nearly dropping the plate she held, she looked at me.  I knew it was a ridiculous question, but wanted to see what her response would be.

           "Why would you want to do that?" she asked slowly.

           "Well, we do things together, and I want her around.  Isn't that what you said?"

           "Yes, but honey, girls don't marry girls.  You find a nice young man."

           I turned back to the stove and watched with interest as the lump of mashed potatoes slid off the spoon and fell back into the pan with a plop.

           "You know, maybe you and Beth should make some more friends besides just you two.  You would have a lot more fun with a whole group of girls.  Don't you think?"

           I rested the spoon handle on the side of the pan and mumbled about having to put away my camping gear as I walked out of the kitchen and out the front door.

           Beth did not come back over that night.  I was disappointed; I wanted to know what was happening, but my mother told me Beth would tell me when she wanted to.  Later that night as I had sat upon the front step, Jim Sayers packed up his car, and with a small wave to me drove away, his tail lights in the darkness the last thing I would ever see of him.

           I put the photo album aside and stood, stretching my screaming back.  I looked around the living room.  The thick rugs covering the hardwood floors were a light gray, the furniture soft black leather with red accenting pillows.  The walls were lined with framed black and whites of all the places Rebecca and I had been together, or separately, and all the places we wanted to visit some day together.  The room was soft and warm despite the sharp colors.  The mantle on the fireplace in the corner held a beautiful piece a young artist we knew had sculpted for us as a house warming gift.  It was made of black onyx, and was the figure of a woman reaching for the sky, perhaps reaching for her salvation.

           My life was so different now than I had once imagined it would be.  For once Beth was not at my side as she had always professed she would.  I sat on the couch.  The thought occurred to me that though she had not been in my life for over a decade, I still relied on her strength from a distance, the memory of her sustained me in my craving.  Now the connection was forever gone.  I rubbed my burning eyes.

           I looked down to see Simon leaning against my leg, his tail entwined between my calves.

           "You hungry, little man?" I asked.  He answered with a loud meow. "Okay, okay.  I need to make something for your other mom, too or she will not be happy with me."

           I walked through the dining room and looked at the table that would seat twelve when fully extended that Rebecca and I had recently bought.  It's rich, cherrywood finish shone from the last bit of light coming in through the two double windows that lined the wall just above the matching cherrywood buffet table.  I ran my fingers lightly over the silk flower arrangement at its center.

           I entered the kitchen when I heard the garage door open.  I began to take vegetables out of the refrigerator to start cutting up for the salad.  The inner door opened, and Rebecca waked in, and I looked at her for a moment.  Her long red hair, wind blown and tousled from a long day of teaching high school science, her dark blue-green eyes looked alive and radiant.  A feeling of urgency suddenly filled me.  I walked over to her and held her to me, almost knocking her off balance.

           "Hi, babe!  I'm glad to see you, too, but you already swept me off my feet once, you know." she said with a surprised laugh, her arms holding me tightly.  I laid my head on her shoulder and wept silently.  The sight of this woman whom I shared my life with now and forever brought me to my knees.  The loving smile was just the permission I needed to really let it all out so I could finally begin to let go. "Hey, hey, " she said, gently starting to pull away.

           "No.  Can I just cry for a minute?" I asked, my hold on her like a vise.

           "Of course you can, Emily.  Of course." she pulled me back into her arms, and was silent.

           "Don't cry, Beth.  Come on.  you have to be strong." I said gently.

           "I hate them." Beth said with a final sob, her voice bitter.

           "No you don't.  They're your parents.  You're not allowed to hate them." I said as I ran my fingers through her hair.  We were in my bedroom.  I was laying on the bed with Beth next to me, her head on my stomach, her favorite position.  We were quiet for a long time.  I glanced down at her to see if she had fallen asleep.  She was awake, her gaze far from my house.

           "What are you thinking about?" I asked as I braided a couple strands of her dark hair together.  She didn’t answer for a minute.

           "Do you think I'm weird, Em?:" she asked, her focus remaining on the wall, almost as if she was afraid of my answer.

           I laughed. "Of course I do.  That is why you're my best friend!"

           "Gee, thanks." she said dryly.  She grabbed the hem of my blue and purple striped T-shirt and wiped the drying tears from her eyes.

           "Thanks, Beth.  Wasn't one of my favorites anyway."

           "Be grateful.  At least I didn't blow my nose." I grinned down at her, swept her hair behind her ears.  She pushed the thin material away from my stomach and examined the white skin beneath.  I could feel her warm breath as she traced small circles above my belly button with her finger tips.

           "Find anything interesting?" I asked, curiosity keeping me in check.

           "Just like a baby's butt." she smiled, patting the skin of my stomach.  She lifted her head and stared down at her hand as she flattened the palm against one side of my rib cage. "Isn’t it incredible how there are so many strange little curves and bumps on a woman's body?" she traced the center line of my stomach up to where the fabric of my shirt began just below my burgeoning breasts.

            "I guess I've never given it much thought." I said, feeling unsure about Beth's explorations, and feeling naked in my uncertainty.

           "Hm." she said absently, then sat up and pulled my shirt back into place. "Let's go down to the Soda Jerk and get some ice cream." I stared at her as she jumped off the bed and began to pull her hair back into a pony tail, the black hairband clamped between her teeth, her weight shifting from one foot to the other.  My eyes narrowed as I watched her.  This was her habit when she was nervous.  I slowly stood, my legs shaking.

           "Sounds good." I said, silently letting out the breath that I had been holding.

           The late September chill of New York was pushed away by the fire that Rebecca had built for our after dinner coffee.  This had become a tradition we hadn't realized we'd started until a couple of years ago when one night we didn't do it, and we both realized how much we missed it.  I lay on the couch with my legs resting on Rebecca's lap, and stared at the strange shadow that danced on the walls from the trance-like light the fore threw.

           "So, Beth's parents split when she was thirteen?" she asked, her hands caressing my calves and ankles.

           "Yup.  Thirteen.  Actually, that was when they divorced.  They had decided to separate the year before." I let out a sigh and took a sip of my mocha fudge coffee and looked up at the ceiling. "We were on summer break, soon to be going into seventh or eighth grade.  I don't remember which one now.  I think eighth."

           "How old were you?"

           "I was just a couple months shy of turning fourteen."

           "Why didn't you tell me any of this before, Emily?" Rebecca asked as she sipped her coffee.  I looked at her for a moment as I thought of an answer.  Why hadn't I?

           I told you she was in that play we saw.  I pointed her out to you."

           "You did, but only in passing.  You never really told me who she was except for someone you used to know.  I remember exactly what you said, in fact.  We were sitting there in the dark theater, and when she came on stage you said, you see that girl playing Pippa?  I used to know her."

           I smiled. "Well, yeah but," Rebecca patted my leg to shut me up.

           "Yeah but, nothing.  I'm not mad at you, sweetie.  I just want to know, that's all.  I want to know about someone who has meant this much to you.  I want you to share this with me."

           "Okay." I sat up and kissed her lightly on the lips and caressed the side of her face with my fingertips, then laid back down. To be honest, I don't know why I didn't tell you.  I guess because it was so long ago, and it really doesn't matter anymore."

           "Emily, if it didn't matter then Beth's passing would not be affecting you as much as it is." she looked at me in the way that she always did when she knew I was full of it.  I smiled to myself.  Kind of reminded me of how my mother used to look at me.

           "We used to do everything together." I said quietly.  I looked at Rebecca and smiled, then found myself looking past her, through her to all the adventures we shared together.

           After Beth's parents divorced we became even closer than we had been, if that was possible.  Any other friends either of us had at school became secondary, some disappearing altogether from the world we created for the two of us.  Every weekend she spent the night at my house, or on the rare occasion when her mother would allow it, we stayed at her house.  Beth was heavily into the theater and acting by that time.  She would come up with short one-act plays or scenarios for us to act out.

           In the beginning she had to use some pretty heavy powers of persuasion to get me to participate, but then I got into them as much as she did.  I could remember one of them where she was a shy, James Dean type character, and I was a beautiful girl he had seen on the street, and just had to have.  Halfway through I stopped her, her bold written script in my hand.

           "Beth, why do you always have to play a guy?" I plopped myself down on my bed, untying the scarf from around my neck that was a "prop", and I had stolen from my mother's closet.  Beth grabbed the end of it and tried to pull it out of my hands.

           "No!" I slapped her hand. "Mine."

           "Why, do you want to be the guy?" she said with one of her crooked smiles.

           "No!" I exclaimed. "But why do you have to be?"

           "Well, someone has to be.  You see, Em, to be a good actor you have to be able to embody other types that just aren't like you in life." she ran her hands down either side of her head to re-slick the water slicked hair.  More "props".

           I chuckled. "What text book did you read that out of?  So why don't you ever play a girl, then?" I said slyly.  She looked at me through her long bangs.

           "Very funny.  I already play one of those in life.  I don't want to type-cast myself already.  The acting world does that enough." she threw herself down on the bed and stretched out beside me on her stomach.  She rested her chin on her hands and stared at my headboard.  I laid back and stared up at the ceiling.  I noticed the small spot in the corner where the roof had leaked three years ago.  We both were quiet, the only sound coming from the tick of my alarm clock on the tall dresser across from the bed.  Soon after I thought the ticking of the clock matched my heartbeat.  My heart jumped as the bed squeaked as Beth changed positions to get closer to me.  I looked over at her to find her laying on her side, her head resting on her hand, looking down at me.  She didn't say anything, just looked.  I began to feel like a lab rat.  A strange heat was making its way up from my feet to my head.  I found it hard to breath, my mid-section tingling.

           "What?" I asked, slight irritation marking my voice for being made to feel uncomfortable.  Or was it vulnerable?

           "Nothing.  I'm just looking at you.  Am I not allowed to look at you?" Beth asked, sounding hurt.

           "Yeah, but why would you want to?  I look the same today as I did yesterday and the day before that!" I sat up and stood from the bed.  Beth followed my movements, surprise filling her eyes. "You are so weird sometimes.  Jeez." I walked over to my dresser and began to rearrange my small collection of unicorns.  Why was I getting so upset?

           I looked at my reflection in the dresser mirror.  My shoulders were tight, almost like  I was ready to ounce.  Surprised I relaxed them, the tension flowing out.  I looked at my face, my mouth shut tight, brows drawn in stubborn anger.  I looked at Beth through the mirror.  She still laid on the bed, having rolled back on her stomach.  She was facing the opposite direction, her legs bent at the knee, crossed at the ankles, and slowly swinging up and down in a hypnotic rhythm.  I could get lost in that rhythm.  She was resting on her elbows looking at something in her hands.  Through the thin material of her shirt I could see the sharp edges of her shoulder blades.  It reminded me of the sleek back of a tiger as it sneaked up on its prey.

           "What are you playing with?" I asked, my voice quiet from guilt.  Beth cleared her throat, but did not look at me.

           "Later in the script I'm supposed to give this to you." she half turned and showed me what she held.  It was a small gold plastic band. "Remember I propose?"

           "Yeah." I said quietly and sat next to her.  I took the ring and looked at it, turning it over n my hand.  I smiled at her. "It’s so sudden, Beth.  I thought we'd at least live together first." she laughed.  I slid the ring on the ring finger of my left hand.  It was a bit lose, but it would work.

           "Well, honey, if I ain't even allowed ta look  at ya, how do you ever s'pect us ta git married?" she said in one of her southern hillbilly accents.

           "Beth, I'm sorry!  I don't know why I got so mad." Beth had moved onto her side, and I snuggled up next to her, tucking my head in her neck.  She wrapped her arms around me, and held me.  I could hear her heartbeat racing in her chest, her breathing getting faster.  Off in the distance I thought I heard the doorbell.

           "I wonder who that is?  Probably Aunt Kitty.  She is supposed to come over today."

           "Don't know.  Maybe.  Your mom and her are pretty close, aren't they?" Beth breathed.  She ran her hand down my back, rubbing any remaining tension out, turning me into jelly.  I could only nod.  Her hand slid to the hem of my shirt, and her hand slipped underneath.  The warmth of her skin felt so good I didn't stop her.  I didn't want her to stop.  She ran her hand up my spine, then back to my waist, then a bit further over to my side, then around my ribs.

           After her hand passed over an area, I could still feel its heat.  A burning feeling started in my lower stomach and spread.  I could feel my chest tighten.  A voice inside my head was confused, and wasn't sure what Beth was doing, but surely it could not be anything other than a massage to comfort me, could it?

           I closed my eyes as her hand reached the underwire of my bra that covered the mounds of my newly formed breasts.  Her fingers stilled, hand stopped in its tracks, almost as if she was not sure what she was doing, and was surprised to find herself there.

           With my head tucked down I could not see her face.  I wished I could have been able to read her eyes.  Beth was like an open book to me.  Suddenly my skin felt cold as she removed her hand out form under my shirt.  I didn't say anything, and stayed how I was.  We laid there for a moment when there was a knock at my bedroom door.  We both froze.

           "Emmy?  Are you two in there, honey?" my mom said from the other side.

           "Yeah." I said, still in Beth's arms.

           The doorknob rattled. "Open the door, honey." I rolled away from Beth and stood, my legs unsteady as I walked over and unlocked and opened my door just wide enough to look at her.

           "Why did you lock your door?" I just stared at her expectantly. "You girls were so quiet I didn't even know if you were still here or not.." she smiled.  I just looked at her, impatient, yet grateful for the interruption. "That Newman girl came by.  She wanted to know if you wanted to go out and do something.  I didn't know if you were here or not, so I told her you girls would go and get her when you got back."

           "Mom!  We don't want to play with Darla Newman!" I exclaimed.  We didn't want to play with anyone.

           "Now, Emily I know that you two have an incredibly busy schedule, but Darla Newman is new here, and she has no friends.  There is no reason why you and Beth can't go out and play for awhile."

           "Mom-!"

           "It's not for the rest of your life, Emily.  Just a couple of hours."

           I looked back at Beth who sat Indian style on the bed looking at me, and shaking her head.  I turned back to my mother.

           "We don't want to.  Let her go find somebody else."

           My mother sighed and shrugged her shoulders. "Okay." she said and walked back down the hall.  I closed the door and leaned against it, my arms crossed over my chest.

           "Jeez.  I am almost fifteen, nearly an adult, and she still treats me like I’m a kid!  I don't even like Darla Newman!"

           "Come on, Em.  Darla is not that bad.." Beth stretched out her long legs, and stood from the bed. "Besides, you didn’t have a problem with her the other day."

           "Yeah, but you weren't home.  I had to go with her."

           Beth drew her brows and studied me. "What is wrong with you lately, Em?  You are so short tempered.  Everything and everyone is making you mad."

           "I don't know!" I yelled.  I walked over to the bed and plopped myself down face first. "I hate my mother. " I whined into the wrinkled bedspread.

           "No you don't either.  What did you tell me?  They are your parents.  You're not allowed to hate them." Beth said from somewhere near me "Come on.  Let's go down to the creek."

           What the neighborhood kids had dubbed as The Toilet Bowl, was the small creek that was about half a mile away from our houses.  The creek ran along a distant bike trail, and ran into a large pond that was walled in by a ring of huge rocks, and was the neighborhood swimming hole.  The 'Bowl' was surrounded by trees, and dense wild foliage providing shade, and much privacy for the older kids who would go skinny dipping.

           Beth and I sat on the lip of a large rock ledge that sidled up to the water, our feet in the pond's coolness.  We sat side by side, me looking into the murky depths, Beth looking at me.

           "What's going on with you, Em?  You are acting reeeeeally strange." she chuckled to herself. "I thought I was supposed to be the one who had an attitude.  You're the good kid, remember?  At least that's what my mom always says."

           "Why?" I asked, not looking at my friend, my eyes riveted on the water as the sun beat down on it, making it glow.

           "I don't know." Beth  shrugged. "That's just what she says."

           "Well, that's stupid.  you don't have an attitude.  you're perfect." I could feel my friend's eyes boring into me.  I felt a wave of heat rush over me for the hundredth time that day.  I began to feel uncomfortable.  "Let's swim." I jumped up and tugged my shirt over my head, leaving my small bra on, and unbuttoned my white cut-offs.  In my underwear and bra, I dove into the shallow depths of the pond.

           "Emily!" I heard Beth call out as my head broke through the surface.  I ground the water out of my eyes and turned to look at her as she stood on the rock ledge, my shorts in her hand.

           "What?"

           "Look.  You're, you're bleeding!" she exclaimed showing me the red stain in the crotch of the denim.

           "what?" I swam over to her looking at the material with disbelieving eyes.  Sure enough.  A spot of blood the size of a silver dollar awaited me.  I pulled myself out of the water and looked down at my underwear where I found a similar stain made pink as the water had rinsed it off some.

           "Oh my god!" I cried,. I swallowed as I felt hot tears sting behind my eyelids.  I felt emotions flowing through me at an alarming rate, and I had no idea why.  I wanted to cry, laugh, and yell all at the same time.  Beth put her arm around my shoulders.

           "Are you okay, Em?  Do you need to sit down?  Your mom said that it can make you feel weak, or even cramp up.  Are you okay?"

           "I'm fine!"  I raged, suddenly feeling more than a little embarrassed.  I pushed her away from me, and tugged my shirt back on.  I took the shorts from her hand, and began to rinse them in the water of the pond, praying to God that I could get the majority of the stain out so I could walk home.  The red stayed where it was. "My mom's gonna kill me." I sobbed as I rubbed with my fingertips.

           "No she's not.  She'll understand, Em." I stood on shaky legs, and struggled to pull the wet denim over my legs and butt. "Well this explains a lot." Beth smiled one of her crooked grins, her blue eyes twinkling.

           "What is that supposed to mean?  'This explains a lot'?" I fired back, angry that Beth would dare make jokes at a crisis like this.

           "Your mom said that a woman will experience mood swings, and girl, you have definitely had them."

           "I have not!  I have been perfectly fine.  Besides.  What does my mother know, anyway?" I began to walk away from her, my wet feet making my sneakers soggy leading to every step squishing.  That made Beth laugh even harder, and added to my misery.  Though I was being childish and terribly difficult, deep down I was so thankful that Beth was at my side at what I knew, even at the downside of fourteen, was a pivotal moment n my life as a woman.

           "So did your mom get mad?" Rebecca grinned.

           "No, of course not.  In fact, to add to my humiliation, she grabbed me in the front yard with neighbors all around us in their yards, and hugged me and made a huge fuss about her baby becoming a woman.  I was mortified!"  Rebecca threw her head back and laughed, her hand rubbing up and down my calf. "But then what self-serving teen wouldn't be?"

           "So Beth hadn't started her yet, obviously?" she asked, still chuckling.

           "No.  That came a few months later.  She was lucky; she started in the middle of the night, though it was my mother who helped her through it."

           "Why?"

           "Oh, Beth's mom was just far too into herself.  She couldn't find the time, I imagine.  Between the drinking and the men." I said dryly, remembering how often Beth's mom would leave her daughter to figure out her own problems.  We were both silent for a moment, both lost in our separate thoughts.  "Oh," I said, grabbing the hand that rested on my knee, our fingers intertwining. "How did the doctor go today?" Rebecca leaned her head back against the couch, her tired eyes looking at me.

           "He said that if it doesn't take this time, we'll try one more time.  If that doesn't take, then he suggested you and I start thinking of another plan of action.  Maybe we could think about stopping-"

           "No.  We'll try again." I said sternly.  One of us had to stay strong.

           "Oh, baby.  What if this doesn't work?" she whispered, that little line appearing between her eyes that always did when she was worried or upset.  I reached my hand out, and rubbed it away with my thumb.

           "It will work, sweetie.  It has to."  We stared into each other's eyes for a moment, neither wanting to break the connection.  I needed to feel her tonight, to know that she was really here, and everything would be okay.  With a sigh Rebecca smiled.

           "Well, babe," she said, finally giving my thigh a squeeze. "We should get to bed.  It's getting late."  she leaned over, and kissed me softly, but I grabbed on to her and deepened the kiss, holding her to me with both hands framing her face, leaving us both breathless. "Wow." she breathed. "It is definitely time for bed."

  PART 2

           I LAID IN THE dark wrapped in Rebecca's arms, and listened to the sound of her steady breathing.  I still could not get Beth off my mind.  There was still more.  More I needed to remember, more I needed to figure out before I could finally let her memory rest.  There was so much left unfinished between us, left unsaid.

           I could see her face before me.  Her bright blue eyes shining, her dark hair loosely held in a ponytail or braid, most of it usually spilling from its bonds.  She was smiling at me, that special little crooked smile that she saved for me, and only me.  Her eyes were so full of life, and her adventurous spirit.

           I gently disentangled myself from Rebecca, and slipped out of bed.  With a sleepy murmur of protest, Rebecca released her hold, and turned over onto her other side.  With quiet feet I headed into our bathroom and shut the door with a soft click before turning on the light.  I studied my reflection.  My hair, which Rebecca calls golden, reaches to just below my shoulders.  This is the shortest I've had my hair for a few years.  I ran my fingers through the strands, and tucked it behind my ears.  My green eyes looked dully back at me.  I saw no life in them right then.  The skin under them was slightly puffy from the crying I had done earlier.  Something was telling me that I was not done crying, either.  I felt so emotional like I had a carbonated bottle of tears inside of me that someone had shaken to the point where the cork was going to shoot off into space somewhere leaving the contents to overflow, needing to escape.

           "Babe, you okay?" Rebecca called sleepily from our bedroom.

           "I'm fine.  Go back to sleep."  She mumbled something I couldn't understand, then all was quiet again.  I splashed some cold water on my face, then tiptoed out of the bedroom.

           Simon met me at the top of the stairs, his long, black tail swishing curiously in the air, his large gold eyes looking up at me questioningly as he escorted me down the stairs.  I trailed my fingers along the wall as I went down, my eyes focusing on the images in the pictures that lined the staircase.

           I saw Rebecca and I smiling with our arms around each other standing in front of the beautiful castle of Sleeping Beauty in Disneyland, our friend Camille had taken the picture while her partner, Dana had stood off to the side with a wide grin across her tanned face.  I smiled to myself.  That had been such a wonderful trip, and had been our first together.  We had only been living together for just under a year.

           I continued on, looking down to make sure Simon hadn't planted himself between my feet  making both of us fly down the remaining stairs. Unlike him, I knew I would not land on my feet.  My heart beamed as I saw the picture of my lover and I on our dream vacation to Ireland, the land of her late mother's birth.  We planned to go back in a couple of years.

           A bit farther down I spotted my college graduation picture.  My mother had taken the shot, and my father and brother were on either side of me, all three of us smiling broadly.  I was the only one in my family to get a degree, Billy opting to join the service instead.  I looked into the tired eyes of my father.  He looked older than his years, and I often worried about him.  I knew that his health was not great, and my mother just did not want to worry us.  My father was a kind man, and had been a good father to grow up with, albeit a stern figure.

           "So what's this I hear you and Beth wouldn't play with that Newman girl?" my father asked, a forkful of mashed potatoes halfway to his mouth.  I could only stare at my father, for I had no answer.  Instead I decided to be angry with my mother.  I looked at her silently calling her a traitor.  She didn't take the bait.

           "Darla's mother said that she was awfully upset, Emmy."

           "Well, we don't like her, Mom." I stammered in lieu of an explanation.

           "You don't like her." My father said dryly. "Why?  'Cause she's not Beth?"  My father's comment took me by surprise.  I looked across the table at my brother who seemed to find his meat loaf very interesting.  I knew I would get no help from him, mainly because I knew deep down Beth and I were wrong, but would not allow those words to pass through my lips.  I looked back at my mother who met my gaze with her own dark eyes burning into mine.

           "I want to see you playing with kids other than Beth.  Do I make myself clear, Emily Jane?"

           "But-"

           "Don't argue with your mother!  That girl has got way too many problems.  She's a bad influence on you.  I won't have my daughter hanging out with that girl.  Her parents aren't married anymore, and her mother whores around."

           "But, dad, that isn't Beth's fault!" I exclaimed, my face red with anger.

           "Don't you talk to me that way, young lady!  You are fourteen years old, and are still a child.  I don't give a damn if you've started your monthly or not." I turned even redder at this announcement to the family.  I could not even look Billy in the face terrified of what I'd see there.

           "Henry," my mother said quietly to my father, placing her hand on top of his.  My father glanced up at me with apologetic eyes for a moment before they became serious again.

           "Girls your age should have lots of friends.  Right, honey?" he turned to look at my mother. "Didn't you have lots of girlfriends at Emmy's age?" my mother didn't answer, but turned to me instead.  She placed her soft, warm hand over mine.

           "Sweetie, we're not saying that you can never see or play with Beth again.  Only that maybe you should give some other girls a chance.  There has been a few new families that have moved into the neighborhood, and I've seen some girls and boys your age with them.  Okay?"

           "Francis, don't act as if this isn't serious!" my father said sternly to my mother.

           "Honey, I will handle this." My mother gave him the 'look'.  He shut his mouth and took a drink of his milk, his eyes looking elsewhere.

           "Okay?" my  mother asked me again.

           I looked down at my half-eaten dinner, and plopped my fork into the mountain of mashed potatoes.  I simply nodded, feeling a lump in my throat too thick to speak over.

           "Good." My mother patted my hand before releasing it.

           "So, Billy, how did try outs go?  Did you make the team?" my father asked with barely controlled excitement edging his voice.  I didn't bother to listen to my brother's answer.  Why should I care if he made the stupid baseball team or not?   I picked up my fork again and pushed my food around until it was a big pile of meatloaf, mashed potato, and greenbean mush.

           I leaned against the counter as I watched the sink fill steadily with billowy suds.  My head jerked to the right when I heard a crash.  Billy ran into the handle of the oven as he tried to catch the dishtowel that he was throwing up into the air.  He drew his brows together as he groaned, holding his stomach.  I smiled to myself.  Serves him right, the big dope that he was.  He wouldn't even stand up for Beth.

           "Is that water done yet?" he whined, walking over to stand next to me.

           "Almost." I said absently watching the hot water stream out of the faucet.

           "Good.  I don't wanna be here all night with you."

           "Thanks." I said, slugging him in the gut.  He doubled over and glared at me. "This is just not fair, Billy."

           "Why?  We always have to do dishes.  It's like a national pastime,." he grinned.

           "Not the dishes, you dope, this whole stupid thing with Beth.  It sucks!  Dad is being so unfair." I looked over my shoulder to the doorway of the kitchen to make sure neither of my parents were in hearing distance.  I could hear Captain Kirk giving orders to Spock in the next room.  I turned back to my brother. "Why is he doing this, Billy?" he shrugged his broad shoulders.

           "I don't know, Emmy.  You know dad.  He usually has a reason for what he does even if he's the only one who knows the reason." he grinned and slugged me lightly in the arm. "He loves us, and is always trying to do what's best, or something.  I think he just worries because Beth has so many problems with her family, and that whole thing with her mom having that fling with the president of that bank she works at."  My head snapped around to stare at him.

           "How do you know about that?" Billy shrugged indifferently, grabbing the handful of knives that I had just washed and put into the sink with rinse water.

           "Everyone knows about that, Emmy.  It's no big secret."

           "But, they never throw a fit because you and John spend so much time together.  And his dad's a drunk, too!  And he beats his wife!  So what's the big deal about me and Beth?  God, this is so stupid!" I could feel my anger building.  It was not fair that my parents were trying to dictate who I spent time with.  My blood began to boil.  How dare they try to come between me and Beth!

           "Come on, Emmy, you know you guys can still play, or whatever it is you do."

           "Don't pacifize me, Billy!" my brother grinned.

           "That's patronize, you dip.  And I'm not." I slammed the newly washed glass into the hot water so hard that a stream of it fountained up into the air and splashed me in the face.  My brother fell against the counter laughing, his hand holding his stomach. "Dang, girl.  Calm down." He said through his tears.  I just glared at him and wiped my face off.

           I made my way into the kitchen, and brewed myself a pot of Ginger Peach hot tea.  Sitting with my steaming mug at the table, I opened the photo album once again.  The year 1981 came in with a bang.  My father had just been promoted at the car dealership to sales manager the previous December, and my brother would be heading out to the military after his high school graduation in June.  Beth and I would be heading into high school in the fall.  Ronald Reagan would be elected president and shot before the year was out, and the greatest of all t.v. Phenomenon’s of the eighties would begin, MTV.  Two hundred and ninety-six people would die from the short-lived title of  'the gay cancer' during that twelve-month period.

           I flipped to a picture that immediately brought a smile to my lips.  The Polaroid showed me and Beth in the living room of my parent's house, our arms around each other's shoulders, glasses of red Kool-Aid  raised high for the camera.  Our young faces had huge smiles plastered on them.  In the background my parents could be seen in each other's arms caught forever in a New Year's kiss.  Billy had snapped the picture right at midnight.: Mom, Dad, Emmy and Beth celebrate the New Year: 1981.

           "That looks like such a rad movie!" Beth exclaimed, staring at the incredible images of the adventures of a new hero, Indiana Jones.  Steven Spielberg's instant classic, Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark was due out in theaters soon.

           "I can't wait!" Billy agreed from the couch behind us as we sat on the floor, as he dumped a handful of popcorn into his awaiting mouth.  Beth looked over her shoulder at him with a lopsided grin on her face.

           "I bet Harrison Ford kicks as much ass as he did as Han." she grinned, referring to her hero playing Han Solo in Star Wars, and The Empire Strikes Back..

           "Beth." I said in surprise. "My parents might hear you.  Watch your mouth."  She stuck her tongue out at me, and turned back to Billy.

           "Not to mention, Karen Allen." he grinned.  Beth smiled back at him and nodded before she turned back to me.

           "Who's Karen Allen?" I asked, looking from one to the other.

           "A really cute chick." Billy informed me with a grin.  I shrugged and turned to Beth.

           "Hey, ready for bed?" she grinned as she wiggled a brow, letting me know she had something planned.

           "Hey, don't leave me down here alone, guys." Billy complained.  "It's bad enough I had to stay home tonight."

           "You had a chance to go with Sarah and her family, Billy." I chastised with the slightest bit of sympathy.

           "Yeah, but her dad hates me.  No way am I gonna spend a couple days with that old geezer watching us every minute.  Talk about a shitty New Years."

           "Guess he just doesn't want a bunch a pups left after you leave." Beth said with a wicked smile.  "Sorry, Billy boy.  Gotta go." she said dramatically, and grinned.  I shrugged my shoulders at his incredulous look, and stood to lead the way toward the stairs.

           My bedroom hadn't changed much over the years.  I still had the pastel blue curtains over the large window, but had talked my mom into letting me paint the room.  Now instead of the curtain matching blue, my walls were white.  Not a big victory, but life is made up of small victories, I reasoned.  Plastered on my walls were posters of Harrison Ford, the musical group Toto, and Olivia Newton-John on one closet door with Bonnie Tyler on the other.  Clark Gable and Vivian Leigh graced the wall on one side of my dresser mirror while Judy Garland graced the other side with Tom Drake in a still from Meet Me In St. Louis, forever frozen in the classic Hollywood pre-kiss pose.  On the wall opposite the dresser wall was a poster with Bogie and Ingrid Bergman from Casablanca.  Beth had gotten me into the great classics.

           "Oh, man.  What a long night." Beth breathed as she plopped down on my bed and grabbed her over-night bag from the floor and set it in her lap.  She unzipped the largest pocket, and dug around for a few minutes when with a smile she withdrew a small bottle filled nearly full with clear liquid.   She gave me a grin full of mischief.

           "What's that?" I asked walking to the bed and sitting next to her.

           "Rum."

           "Rum?" I repeated, my curiosity piqued. "Where did you get it?" I took the bottle from her and began to read the label. "Ronrico silver label.  Puerto Rican Rum."  She took the bottle back from me and unscrewed the cap.

           "It's my mom's."

           "Uh, won't she miss it?" I asked, still eyeing the little glass bottle warily.

           "Nah.  Are you kidding?  She's got enough to last her ten New Year's.  She won't know it's gone." Beth put the opening to her lips, and with a deep breath took a drink.  I had to grab the Rum from her as she began to cough and stammer, almost dropping it to the carpet.

           "You okay?" I asked as I thumped her back, concern filling my face.

           "Ugh!  Yeah, I'm fine.  Try some." she said, her voice low, and rough from the coughing fit and the burning liquid, indicating the bottle in my hand.  I gave her one last glance to make sure she wasn't going to keel over, and took a swig.  The sweet fire filled my mouth, and I clenched my eyes tightly shut so I wouldn't spit it all over my bed.  I managed to swallow it down, feeling the Rum sear my insides as it went to finally land squarely in my stomach with a whoosh.

           "Good god!" I cried after my own coughing fit.  I handed the bottle back to Beth. "That stuff is awful!  Your mom actually drinks that stuff on purpose?"  Beth laughed at me.

           "I know.  It's better when you have it in something like a daiquiri."

           "How would you know?"

           "I've had them before.  They're really good." I eyed her with a raised brow, then shrugged.

           "So what do you think of that new kid, what's his name?  Scott something?" I asked looking at her profile as she took another drink.  She closed her eyes as she swallowed, not looking at me as she handed over the Rum.  She swallowed a couple of times, but did not cough or show any other sign of discomfort.  Finally she took in a mouthful of air to cool off her tingling mouth.  Something told me that that was not her first time with straight Rum.

           "Scott Mathews?" I nodded as I took a drink. "I think he's a dork.  Why?"

           "Darla likes him.  He's all I heard about last week.  Scott this, Scott that.  Isn't Scott cute, he's got a cute butt."  Darla Newman had become one of my close friends, completely against Beth's will, but it pleased my parents.  They did not get along that great, but Beth tolerated her for my benefit.  Darla thought Beth was weird because she did not like make-up, nor did she do anything with her hair.  Many of the girls our age wore their hair at shoulder length or shorter, but Beth, as usual, went against the crowd.  She wore her dark hair long and straight, though usually pulled back in a ponytail, or smashed down by some hat.  Her long bangs were constantly being pushed out of the way by her hand or mine.  She did not constantly talk about boys, and she had no interest in clothes.  She just did not fit in, and she relished her differences.  She said that this made her unique.  I thought it just made for hard times with people snickering behind your back, and making jokes about you.  Beth didn't mind the names they called her, most of which I really didn't even understand what they meant.  One of the favorite names that came from the boys was dike.  I mean, what does a water embankment have to do with her?  I didn't understand it.  Once I told Billy how silly and strange it was for Beth to be called that.  He turned bright red, and walked away mumbling about homework.  All the same, I thought it was interesting that all the reasons people didn't like Beth, were exactly the reasons I did.

           "I think he's a dork, too.  I mean, he's not even cute." I said.  I looked over at Beth and waited as she took a drink.

           "Ahhh!" she exclaimed smacking her lips together with a smile.

           "You've got to be joking.  That stuff is awful."  I took the bottle from her outstretched hand and looked at it with drawn brows making an impromptu decision that I did not like Rum.  "What is this stuff supposed to do to you, anyway?"  No sooner were the words out of my mouth when I felt a surge of energy run through my body making it tingle from the soles of my bare feet to the end of my ponytail.   My eyes opened wide as I tried to stifle a giggle that sprouted straight from my gut.

           "You were saying?" Beth grinned.

           "Whoa." I breathed, turning to her.  "I feel reeeeally strange." I grinned.  It felt as though my head were as light as a feather, strange thoughts floating around like billowy clouds in a clear, blue sky.

           "Really?" Beth said, trying to hold back her own giggle. "You don't look strange."

           "No?" Beth shook her head, her bangs falling into her eyes.  I reached out to try and move them out of the way, but my eyes weren't working as well as they usually did, and my perception was off. "Sorry, Bethy, honey." I snickered as I poked her in the eye.

           "Quite all right." she giggled, rubbing her red right eye.  I would always be a lightweight when it came to alcohol.  I couldn't keep my head still so it began to bob on my neck like it was hooked to a spring, which made us laugh even more.

           I smiled as I ran my finger over the glossy faces in the picture.  We were so young.  Then my smile began to turn bittersweet.  The year I turned fifteen would also be the year that our friendship would take a severe turn for the worse.  But I didn't want to think about that.  My thoughts turned back to the first night Beth got me drunk.  After many silly attempts at playing cards, acting out scenes from our favorite movies, and singing, we decided to go to bed, the alcohol draining the energy out of us both.

           Beth turned off the wall light switch, and stumbled her way back to bed, hissing a curse as she smacked her foot on something.  I laid on my back staring up at the ceiling, my mind caught between a state of total exhaustion, and utter clarity.  It was a strange feeling.  I felt the mattress shift as Beth laid down next to me on her back, her eyes on my profile.  She was quiet, but I could hear her breath come in quick bursts.  She turned on her side facing me.

           "Em?" she asked, trying to whisper, but not quite making it.  I grinned.

           "Yes, Beth?"

           "You're a fun drunk." she giggled.

           "I am not a drunk.  You're the drunk.  You drank a way lot more than I did, you fish."  She giggled again.

           "Na ah.  You did."

           "No, you did." I rolled over on my side facing her and stuck my finger in her side.  She yelled out and moved her body away from me.

           "Shhh," I laughed as I began to attack again. "You'll wake up my parents." I reached out with both hands, groping for her most ticklish parts.

           "You better quit," she said through clenched teeth, grabbed my hands to still them and give her aching sides a reprieve.  "I'm warning you, Em.  You'll be sorry." I giggled as I looked into her eyes that held an evil gleam in the darkness of my bedroom.  I stuck my tongue out at her.  She raised her eyebrows, and leaned up on her elbow, looking down at me.  A burst of heat roared through my body landing squarely between my legs.  I swallowed. "Are you gonna stop?" she asked quietly.

           "No." I croaked.  Why did I say that?  I could end this all right now, and get her to stop looking at me that way if only I'd agree to behave.  Then we could go to sleep.

           "No?"  Say yes!  Say yes!

           "Do you think I'd actually listen to you, Miss Smarty Pants?" I could actually hear a groan come from inside my head somewhere.  I shoved it away, and glared playfully back at her.  I reached an experimental hand toward her stomach again, only for it to be taken in hers.  She pushed me on to my back and rolled on top of me, holding both of my hands now securely over my head.  My head was in a daze from the alcohol that still ran though my system, and also from the heat, and weight of Beth's body stretched out on mine.  Wherever her skin touched mine, my body flamed.  I felt like I had a full-body fever.  Our legs were bare, leaving only a barrier of our underwear and T-shirts between our blazing bodies.

           "Are you still going to fight me?" she breathed, her lips just inches from mine.  I could only shake my head.  She smiled vaguely.  I'm not sure who finally bridged the gap between our mouths, but the next thing I knew her lips were pressed to mine.  She let go of my hands and ran her own down to my shoulders.  My hands automatically flew down, and reached out across the expanse of her back, her immense body heat nearly burning me through the thin material of the T-shirt she was using to sleep in.  Our bodies shifted slightly, and I nearly cried out as I felt her leg go between mine, her thigh pressed to the throbbing between my legs.  I had no idea what was happening, but I was enjoying it thoroughly.  I felt wet as if I had peed my pants.  I could feel Beth's own strange wetness against my own thigh.  I began to pull away from her, but she grabbed me tighter.  Then I felt the wetness of her tongue against my swollen lips.  I had heard about this from Billy.  French kissing.  Curious, I eagerly opened my lips to her.  Her tongue was soft, and wet, and I could faintly taste Rum mingled with Crest toothpaste.  She ran her tongue over mine, and seemed to search for something just out of reach in my mouth.  I heard her whimper as she pressed her lower body into mine.  I gasped as her thigh rubbed against me, and then she started a slow, rocking motion with her body.  She pulled her mouth from mine, and buried her face into my neck.  I closed my eyes, my hands reached down to press her more into me, deepen the contact.  She reached a hand down and grabbed my thigh that wasn't between her legs, and raised it so it rested near her hip.  I sucked in my breath at the intensified sensation.  I couldn't help it as a moan escaped my throat.  This seemed to affect Beth as her rhythm quickened.  I felt hot breath on the side of my neck followed by her lips.  I arched my neck in response as I noticed additional sensations coming from my breasts as hers rubbed against mine.  I could feel a tight, tingling feeling, almost painful, throbbing from my nipples that were hard like when I got out of the shower.  I reached my hands up and put my fingers between our bodies and onto Beth's nipples.  They were just as hard as mine felt.  She groaned into the tender skin of my throat at the contact.

           "Oh, Em." she breathed.

           I could feel a pressure building in the pit of my stomach, and was working its way down with every move of Beth's thigh against me.  It moved quickly to spread out like a blanket of warmth spreading into my butt and tops of my thighs, and was sailing like a comet through the sky to between my legs.  My breathing started coming faster as the wave of heat began to turn into a pulse like a heartbeat.  My hips arched up as if they had developed a mind of their own to meet Beth's rhythm.  I dug my fingers into the hem of Beth's shirt as I felt that pulsing pressure explode out of my body with a blast of light behind my eyes.  My mouth opened as my eyes closed, my breathing and heart stopped.  I could feel Beth tense against me, her breaths coming in gasps against my neck, her hands curling into the sheet on either side of my head until her hips stopped all together.

           Slowly, slowly the world returned on its axis, and I could again breathe.  Beth pushed up so she was above me with her weight on her arms.  We stared into each other's eyes, not sure what else to do.  She opened her mouth as if she were going to say something when we both started as a knock sounded at my bedroom door.

           "Emmy?  Beth?  Are you two okay?" my mother's voice said quietly from the other side.  I swallowed, hard, but managed to bring my voice to its normal level.

           "Fine, mom."

           "I heard a noise." I looked up at Beth who shrugged her shoulders, her eyes looked as mortified as I felt.

           "Uh, Beth fell out of bed.  She had a bad dream." I closed my eyes at how lame I knew the lie sounded.  But my mother seemed to buy it.

           "Okay, sweetie.  See you in the morning."

           "Night."  I heard her soft, slippered steps fade and disappear altogether.

           To my doleful relief, Beth moved off of me, and laid on her side of the bed on her back, careful not to touch me in any way.  My body felt chill in the cold January night air when she took her body heat from me.  I stayed where I was, but looked over at Beth, noticing that her breathing still had not completely returned to normal.  She put her forearm over her eyes.

           "I am so drunk." she whispered.

           "Yeah." I groaned dramatically. "Me, too." I actually had never felt more sober in all my fourteen and a half years.  I swallowed as I could still feel a faint pulsing between my legs.  What had we just done?  Was that normal between friends?  Between girls?  Darla Newman and some of her friends had told me stories about how they lay down with a pillow or a teddy bear and rubbed against it.  Is that why they do that?

           I turned to look at Beth expecting to meet eyes made dark by the night, but I met her back instead.  Her breathing was fairly normal now, and I couldn't tell if she was asleep or not.

           "Beth?" I whispered, barely audible to my own ears.  Her only reply was a slight moan as she resettled her shoulder against the mattress.

           The light of the morning came quickly, its brightness stirring me out of a restless sleep.  I glanced over at my alarm clock that sat on the dresser top across from the bed.  It was only eight-fifteen.  I laid my head back down on the pillow with a sigh.  My head hurt, and I didn't feel like my feet were completely on earth yet.  I looked over at Beth.  She lay on her stomach, facing me, arms crossed underneath the pillow.  She was still very much asleep, her breathing slow and deep.  I studied her face as last night came back to me.  Her mouth was relaxed with a slight smile upon her full lips.  Maybe she was reliving the experience in the land of sleep?  I closed my eyes as a now familiar heat shot to between my legs.  No, no.  Never again.  We can never do that again.

           I stood at the counter with my hand on the top of the coffee maker as it perked to life, my mind and eyes a million miles and years away.  I saw ourselves that morning as we dressed for breakfast.  Beth and I joked around as usual, both complaining about our common headache, and shared a giggle or two about getting away with getting drunk.  To the untrained eye it would have seemed as if nothing was wrong or different.  But I knew.  I could not meet Beth's eyes.  I thought that if I looked into the ocean-blue depths of those expressive eyes I would see something that would scare me, and that I wouldn't be able to turn away from it.  Our usual, easy connection was gone, and I missed it.

           I jumped slightly as I felt arms encircle my waist, and warmth along my back, but then relaxed back into the familiar body.

           "What time did you come back to bed?" Rebecca whispered into the side of my neck.

           "Late.  Too late." I closed my eyes as I felt a hand snake its way up to cup my breast through the cotton of my T-shirt.  My body responded immediately, already electrified from the memory.

           "Mmm.  If only I didn't have to go to school today." she whispered.

           "Oh, the things I could do to you."

           Rebecca chuckled into my ear.

           "You are cruel, Emily."

           "You have no idea." I turned in the circle of her arms and looked deep into my lover's eyes.  I saw so much love and compassion there.  How had I gotten so lucky?

           "When are we going to fly to Colorado?" she asked as she gently kissed my swollen, red eyes one at a time.

           "We?" I asked breathlessly, my hands slowly caressing her back and rear.

           "Mmhm.  I'm going with you to the funeral." Rebecca's lips traveled to my ear, taking the lobe between her teeth.  I closed my eyes.

           "Uh, what, what about school?"  My hand reached around the front of her robe and slowly pulled the belt loose, letting the material slide through my fingers.

           "I'll take a few days personal leave.  It's not a problem."

           "Oh, Becky, honey.  I don't want you to get in trouble.  It's not that important."  My hands swept the ends of the terry-cloth aside and I stared hungrily at her naked breasts just before my hands found their softness.  Rebecca groaned as her lips found mine.

           "It's important to you, baby." Rebecca gently pushed me back toward the counter top and motioned that I should hop up onto it.  I did as instructed.

           "I can go alone, ooooh." I breathed as her hand slid between my thighs, her fingers finding my underwear that was already soaked.  She gently slipped a finger around the edge, and slid into me.  I threw my head back, my bottom lip caught between my teeth.  Rebecca ran her tongue along my exposed throat.

           "You'll never have to go alone, Emily." she whispered as she began to slowly pump in and out of me when she added a second finger.  Her lips found mine again. "You want me to go, don't you?" she breathed into my mouth.

           "Oh, yes...yes, I want...want you to go." I closed my eyes tightly.  She increased her rhythm as her tongue found my rock hard nipple through my shirt.  I groaned, opening my legs wider for her.  Rebecca moved the silky material of my underwear aside a bit more as she reached her thumb in, and began to rub me with slow, measured movements.

           "Oh, god." I moaned.  I began to rock my hips as I felt myself getting close.  Rebecca increased her thrusts as my moans came faster and closer together.  I grabbed the handles on the cabinet doors behind me, and clenched my eyes shut, my mouth open as I felt myself slip over the edge.  Rebecca quickened her movements as her fingers coaxed the orgasm out of me, one stroke at a time.  I cried out her name as my body collapsed against the cabinets, my breathing heavy.  Rebecca removed her hand and leaned into me, kissing me softly.  I held her for a moment until everything slowed down to normal speed.  Finally I pulled back from her.  With a wicked gleam in her Irish eyes she put her index finger that was covered with my wetness to her lips, and sucked gently.  I stared, transfixed.  After a moment she pulled the finger free.

           "Now I can taste you all day."

           Rebecca hustled out the door with a quick peck on my lips, our counter top interlude making her run slightly late for work.  I closed the door behind her, and leaned against it thinking of all I had to do today to get us ready to go.

           I laid my big beach towel with a faded Popeye winking at me on it, out on the front lawn, and carefully arranged myself on it, one leg bent up, the other straight out in front of me.  I leaned back on my elbows, my face raised toward the rays of the uncharacteristically hot early May sun.  I pushed my sunglasses up slightly smudging the lens with my finger, leaving a smear of Coppertone across it..

           "Damn." I whispered to myself.  I closed my eyes, and waited for the sun to do its job.

           "You know that's really bad for you." I heard a voice say, a slight dry tone to it.  I opened my eyes and squinted against the silhouette of Beth standing over me.  I didn't need to see her face to imagine the lop-sided grin that was surely there.

           "So.  Darla said that all the girls are doing this."

           "What do you care what the other girls are doing?" Beth plopped down on the grass next to me, her long, shorts-clad legs bent at the knees, her hands dangling over the tops.  She adjusted her Denver Broncos cap on her head, lifting the bill slightly so I could see her face up to the bottom of her eyes, the rest cloaked by shadows.

           "I don't know why on earth you bother wearing that cap.  The Broncos suck." I said wrinkling my nose.

           "You just wait, Em.  One of these days we are going to get the greatest quarterback ever to play the game, and then you'll laugh.  Craig Morten is okay for now, but you just wait. You mark my words.  Can you say Superbowl Champions?"  She adjusted the cap again.

           "Whatever.  So why are you so late?  I thought you were going to come over earlier this morning?" I grabbed the small brown bottle of suntan oil from the towel under my thighs, and squirted some into the palm of my hand. "Want some?" I extended the bottle to Beth.

           "No.  I don't intend to sit out here and bake, thank you."

           "Hey, just 'cause some of us aren't naturally tan like some people I know." I glared up at her.  Besides, a tan looks really good." I argued as I began to spread a second layer of the coconut smelling oil over my very white legs.

           "Yeah, in June or July.  Em, this is the first hot day we've had yet this year." I chose to ignore the obvious fact, and returned to my first question.

           "So where were you?"

           "I was talking to my dad." she said trying to hide the grin that slowly spread across her face.

           "He called?  Oh, Beth that's great!  I know he hasn't called since Christmas." I smiled, truly happy for Beth.  I knew that her basic nonchalance was a complete and total act.  She was always beyond thrilled when Jim called or wrote.  "What did he have to say?  How's his new wife?  What's her name?"

           "Lynn." I nodded, and began to spread the sticky oil on my other leg before starting on my arms. "They're fine.  Happy.  Guess what, Em?" the level of excitement in her voice quadrupled in those last three words.  I looked at her, sensing that she would need my full attention for what she had to say. "I'm going away for the summer!"

           "What!" she had my attention, all right.

           "Yeah.  My dad is going to send me to a camp for talented kids.  I'm going to do theater!  Isn't it radical!" Beth glowed.  I felt my heart sink.  What would I do for an entire summer without my Beth?  I felt my heartbreak turn into anger.

           "What, so you're dad has nothing to do with you for like almost two years, and now you're going to drop everything and run to his beck and call?" Beth's face dropped.  She looked at me for almost a full minute before she spoke, her voice very low.

           "I am not running to his beck and call.  I love my father, and would do anything to see him and be with him if even for just a little while.  And besides, this isn't about him.  This is an amazing opportunity for me to do different kinds of theater.  Gain some experience.  Some of the best instructors in the country are going to be there."  She stood and wiped her hands over the rear of her shorts to knock any loose grass off. "Besides, someone like you wouldn't understand.  You're too busy trying to look like Darla Newman." Beth stepped over my beach towel and walked across our yard to her own before disappearing through the torn screen door.

           "You'll miss my birthday, and the fourth." I said to myself, feeling beyond miserable.  My stomach felt strange, my chest felt,... empty.

           I slowly lowered the lid of the suitcase,  the solid click of the snaps bringing me back to the present.  I wiped a finger under my eye, and collected the wetness with the tip.  I had hurt Beth so bad that day in late spring.  I should have been thrilled for her.  It was a chance of a lifetime.  She knew it.  I refused to care.

           I opened the screen door, careful not to let it slam behind me, or chance being skinned alive by my mother.  Hopping off the step of the porch, trying to gather my courage, I headed a few feet toward the Sayers' yard when I stopped dead in my tracks.

           "You're worthless!  You'd rather run to that bastard who left you!  You got that, Beth?  He abandoned you sayin' you ain't even his kid anyway!" Nora Sayers screamed, her shrill, drunken voice carrying on the late evening breeze.

           "That's not true!" Beth screamed back, her voice just this side of all out tears.

           "No?  Ask 'im!  Ask that rotten son of a bitch if you don't believe me.  Him and that slut wife of his."

           "You're just jealous because you can't find anyone who will put up with you because you're a drunk!"

           SLAP!!!

           I jumped as I heard the sharp sound of skin hitting skin.

           "What you sayin' to me, you little bitch!  Huh?  Talkin' to your mother that way?  Huh?"

           SLAP!!!

           "Get off me, woman!"

           I dared to take a couple steps forward, my eyes welling with unshed tears that I had to be so careful that Beth not see.  She would be mortified if she knew I had heard everything, and had felt any pity for her.

           "You're worthless, Elizabeth!  You got that?  Rotten and worthless!"

           "Fuck you, mother!" I jumped again as the front door to the house was shoved open so hard that one of the hinges protested just before it snapped from the wood.  Beth flew out at a quick walk about to break into an all out run when her head snapped in my direction.  I could see the wet trails that led from both pain-filled eyes, as well as a wet trail that led from the corner of her mouth.  The moonlight caught in her eyes for just a moment as our eyes locked, then she turned away from me, and started to walk at a brisk pace down the street.

           I wasn't sure what to do, but then I reasoned that she didn't start to run as she had originally planned because deep down she wanted me to follow.  She needed me to be there for her right now as I had refused to be earlier in the afternoon.

           My heart was pounding dangerously fast as I jogged down the driveway past my dad's old Dodge, and out into the street.  I could see Beth up ahead, her dark figure illuminated every few yards by the street lamps that lined the way.  I could barely hear her sobs above my own thundering heartbeat.  Beth turned down the narrow path that would lead toward the Toilet Bowl, completely shrouded in darkness now.  We had traveled this path so many times that we both could have done it with our eyes closed.  I followed, increasing my speed so I could catch up to her incase she decided to duck off into the trees.

           "Beth?" I called out when I was only ten feet behind her.  She didn't answer, just kept walking, her hand snapping a small branch from a tree she passed, and began to strip it of its new leaves as she walked. "Beth?  Please stop.  Please."

           I closed the distance between us and grabbed her by the shoulder.  She turned cold eyes on me, her tears still silently falling down her cheeks.  She said nothing.

           "I'm so sorry.  I heard all those terrible things she said to you." I couldn't control my own voice that began to choke on my words, the pain and guilt from earlier mixing with the pain that I saw on my best friend's face now. "It's not true, Beth.  It's not." Tears began to tumble out from my eyes as quickly as my words fell from my mouth. "What she said to you.  You're so beautiful, so talented, and you're loved, Beth.  You're wanted.  You must know that?  She doesn't know what she's saying."

           A guttural sob ripped from Beth's throat, and she fell into my arms.  I held her to me, absorbing the shocks of her quaking body.  I felt her knees give, and she began to fall to the ground.   I stayed with her, never losing contact as we slowly hit the dirt path.  Her tears came in earnest now, our sobs breaking the silence of the hot, late spring night.  I held her to me as if letting her go meant letting a part of myself go.  I cried for her and for me, realizing that I had thrown her father in her face earlier just as her mother had done a few minutes before.

           "I'm sorry, Beth.  I didn't mean it.  I'm sorry.  I was being selfish."  Beth took a deep breath as she tried to get herself under control.  She took in several more breaths, never leaving my embrace.

           "It's okay, Em." she finally said, her voice thick with emotion still needing to be shed. "It's not your fault."

           "Yes, it is.  I should have been there for you today.  You were so excited.  I'm sorry."  In response she grabbed my arms that encircled her side a little tighter.

           We sat on the path for what must have been close to an hour, both of us lost in our separate memories of what had just happened.  I felt numb, impotent to do anything.

           "Let's go sit by the Bowl." Beth said, her voice startling the stillness of the warm night.

           As one we stood.  I gave her one last tight squeeze before I let go of her.  I looked at her face, and gently ran my thumb over the small trail of blood that had seeped out of the corner of her mouth.  Silently we walked toward the small pond.

           It was not lost on me that this was the first physical contact between us since New Year's.  I wondered if she was thinking about that, too.  Probably not.  Beth had too much else on her mind to worry about than something that had happened five months ago.  We never discussed the significance of that night; if there was any.  We had let it go on by as if it had never happened, both claiming to have been too drunk to remember much of that night.  But I remembered, no matter how much I tried to forget.

           We sat at the pond's edge side by side, our hands in our lap for fear that they might wonder over to the other's body in some way.

           "When do you leave?" I asked, my voice hushed as if the very night was listening.

           "Mid-June."  She turned to look at me. "I'm going to miss your birthday, Em.  I'm sorry.  I'll leave about two weeks before." I sighed deeply.  Then smiled.

           "I know.  That is one of the reasons I was upset when you told me." I looked into the water, black as tar without the sun's rays to make it glow. "Pretty bad, huh?"

           "No.  I nearly said no because of that."  My head shot up.

           "What?  Beth, no.  You need to do this.  You're so good at acting, and this is only going to make you better!"

           "But I'm always there for your birthday.  I know how much it means to you, to me." she exclaimed, pained eyes pleading with me.

           "I'll survive." I nudged her shoulder with mine. "Besides, we always have yours in October."  She smiled at me.

           "Will you write me?"

           "Of course I will.  You don't need to ask that, Beth."

           I walked to my home office and plopped down into the comfortable high-backed chair behind the antique desk that Rebecca had given me last Christmas.  I leaned my head back and to the side so I could look out the window to my right.  Our neighbor, Alison Briggs was raking the leaves up between our two town houses.  She and her husband Howard had lived here for seven years, ever since Howard had retired from the Air Force.  They were very nice to Rebecca and I, but I always felt that they were not completely comfortable with our relationship, especially Howard.  They were just a few years older than my parents.  Rebecca thought I was being too sensitive.

           I turned my attention back to my office.  This room had been one of the reasons why I had wanted this place.  My home office was bigger than my office at work.  The top half of the walls were painted white, the bottom half rich cherry wood paneling with the same for the woodwork around the door, windows and ceiling.  Bookshelves were built into the walls on two sides, the wall behind my desk, and across from it.  I had the shelves filled with every type of book from V.C. Andrews, to Stephen King  to Nicole Conn to Homer.  Behind me were my prized set of leather-bound law books that had been given to me my first year of college.

           I looked at the computer before me, it's dark screen mirroring my image in its glossy finish, the vibrant, random geometric lines dancing in strange patterns..  With a sigh I moved the mouse slightly, the screen coming to life.  I logged onto the Internet, and found the phone directory, dialed up the airlines.  I was about to click on United when the phone rang.  I grabbed the cordless that I had brought in with me and clicked it on.

           "Hello?" I said into the handset that I had balanced on my shoulder as I continued to gauge prices.

           "Emmy, honey?"

           "Hi, mom.  What's up?"  My mother sighed on the other end of the line.  I closed my eyes as I steadied myself for what I knew would follow.

           "You heard about your friend, Beth, honey?"

           "Yes.  Billy called me at work yesterday and told me."

           "He shouldn't have done that!  Call you at work to tell you such terrible news.  What was he thinking?" I was surprised at how emotional my mother sounded.  I decided to go easy on her.

           "It was okay, Mom.  I was just glad he told me as soon as he did." I left United and clicked on American.

           "So you're coming home?" she asked, her voice quiet, yet filled with hope.

           "Yes.  Rebecca and I are going." I took out a legal pad and a pen and began to jot down the prices of tickets to DIA in Denver.

           "Oh, I'm so glad, honey.  I wasn't sure if Rebecca would be able to get the time off, or not.  That is so wonderful of her to do that, don't you think?  She's such a nice girl." I could hear the smile in my mom's voice.  She and Rebecca got along just like old friends, much to my initial relief.

           "Well, mom, what did you expect?  She is my partner, and it would be no different than if dad were to take some time off."

           "The difference, honey, is that your father would not have bothered."  We both chuckled at the truth in that statement.

           "Okay, mom.  So get to the point.  What's up?" I asked, beginning to get impatient.  My mother was not one to call just to chat.  She usually had a purpose.

           "Well, honey.  I, I just wanted to say that I am so sorry.  I know how much Beth meant to you.... at one time.  I think that maybe your father and I over reacted a bit when you two were girls.  Maybe we weren't being fair.  You know last year she came back here, and she actually had lunch with me one day?  I made her peanut-butter and jelly with the thin sliced bread-"

           "Cut in half diagonally?" I asked, not able to keep the grin off my face.

           "Of course!  Just what kind of hostess do you think I am, anyway?" I chuckled.

           "Why on earth did you make her PBJ?"

           "Thai's what she asked for." my mother said simply.  I dropped my pen and rested my elbow on the arm of my chair, covered my eyes with my fingers.  I sighed heavily. "Are you okay, Emmy?" my mother asked, her voice just above a whisper.

           "Yeah, yes.  I'm okay.  You know she came up here right after she had left Pueblo.  She told me she saw Monica, but never mentioned you."

           "She probably didn't want to upset you, sweetie."

           "I had no idea, Mom.  None.  I had no idea that she was sick.  Did she tell you she was?"

           "Yes."

           "What!" I sat up in my chair, my hand flying from my eyes.  "Why didn't you tell me?"

           "Would it have mattered, Emily?" I sighed again.  I looked out the window.  Alison had moved to her small front yard, her thin jacket blowing away from her bent over body by the increasing gusts of wind as she pulled some stray weeds.

           "No.  And to be even more honest, I'll never forgive myself.  I wasted my last chance, Mom.  Once again I wasted my chance.  She needed me, and I couldn't be there.  I slunk away from her.  Again."  My voice began to quiver as the emotions sailed to the surface.

           "What do you mean, Emmy?  Again?" my mother asked, her voice confused.

           "Nothing.  Look, I'd better go.  I was just about to order our plane tickets off the net when you called."

           "You know, that must be so handy having a second phone line for the Internet.  I keep trying to get your father to get a second line here."

           "What, so your Solitaire game won't be interrupted?" I grinned.

           "Hey, don't knock it, kiddo.  I am the neighborhood champion, you know." I chuckled.

           " So what time?  When?" I asked, turning serious again.

           "What? The funeral?  Uh, hang on.  I have it right here." Francis Thomas paused for a moment.  I could hear the shuffling of newspaper in the background. "Okay, here we go.  It is Monday afternoon.  The service is at the graveside.  Uh, it starts at three."

           "Where?" I held my breath.

           "Pioneer Cemetery." I closed my eyes again.

           "Okay.  Talk to you later, Mom." I clicked the off button, and set the phone down on the desk harder than I intended to.

           "I thought my great-grandmother's funeral went really good.  I didn't really know her, though.  So where do you think you'd want to be buried?" I asked Beth as I climbed up onto the top of the monkey bars.  She dug the toes of her tennis shoes into the gravel at her feet as she twisted the swing first to her left, then to her right, the heavy chain twisted like a rope in front of her nose..

           "Pioneer.  It's the oldest cemetery in Pueblo."

           "Really?"

           "Yup.  But I am no way gonna be buried here.  No way!" she exclaimed as she let go of the chain, her swing sharply twisting to the left, then smoothly to the right before stilling in the middle again.  She grinned. "Have you ever been there?"

           "Nope." I said as I hooked the back of my knees onto the bar I'd been sitting on, and let myself fall through the opening between the bars.  My hair fanned out under me,  my arms reaching for the ground that seemed just out of reach.

           "We should go there." Beth said, her voice wistful.

           "Why? Ugh!" I exclaimed as I pulled myself back up with my stomach muscles.

           "Because.  It's peaceful.  It's beautiful, and full of history."

           "Hm." I said thoughtfully.  With a shrug I said, "Okay.  We'll go there someday."

           The midday Friday traffic was grading on my nerves.  With an exasperated groan I swung my Taurus off the main road, and decided to take the back route.  This city amazed me.  No matter what time of day or night, the highways were so overloaded with traffic that road rage never surprised me, and in fact I could relate.

           I knew that Friday's at this hour Rebecca had a chemistry class, and they would be doing a lab.  Rebecca should be able to talk for a couple of minutes if I stopped on my way to Wal-Mart.

           My conversation with my mother a couple hours before was playing through my mind, again twisting my nerves into knots.  I could not believe Beth had told my mother about her sickness, but not me.  There was a time when I would have been the first person she went to.  The first to know, the first to comfort.  Sadly, I realized, that time had come and gone many years ago.  Then my thoughts went back to that day in the park.  Did she call me there to tell her?  Had my apathy toward the entire situation made her hold her tongue?  These were questions I would never know the answers to.

           With a sigh I grabbed a CD from the portable carrier, and slipped it into the car's player.  Immediately my nerves settled as the soothing tones of Sarah Brightman coaxed my mood to relax.  I began to sing along with the angelic voice as she sang 'All I Ask', a duet with Cliff Richards.   The tune from Phantom of the Opera filled the confines of the car as I cranked the volume, losing myself, and forgetting about Beth for the first time in two days.

           "How the hell can you listen to that opera crap?" I had asked, my brows drawn, hands on my hips as I watched Beth, her eyes closed, brows raising and falling with each climatic chord of La Traviata.  She let out a long, slow breath as the aria came to an end and hit stop on her cassette player.  She turned to me with a raised brow.

           "Have you ever listened to it?"

           "No."

           "Come here." she pushed play as she grabbed my hand to stop me from running out of her room.  The man's tenor filled the small, dark room, and my ears.

           "This sucks,"

           "No, Em.  Don't you hear it?"

           "Yeah, and it sucks!" I tried to pull away, but she kept me in an iron grip.

           "No, don't just hear it, Em.  Really feel it.  Let it enter you, and fill you up inside." she turned to face me. "Close your eyes." I just stared at her like she was crazy, my arms crossed over my chest. "Please?  For me?  Do this, and if you don't like it, you never have to hear it again.  Okay?"

           "Fine." I closed my eyes with a heavy sigh.

           "Now, listen to what he's saying." Beth said close to my ear, her voice soft and wistful.

           "I don't know what he's saying.  He's singing in Italian."

           "You don't have to understand the words, Em.  Just understand the music and the emotion behind it."

           Still determined that she had lost her mind, but I listened anyway, and suddenly I knew what Beth was talking about.  I felt a chill run down my spine, and my chest literally expanded with emotion, as if I had just taken a deep breath even though I couldn't breath at all.  As his voice rose in his anguish, so did my eyebrows, and my heart rate.  I felt his sorrow, his loss.  Before I could do anything to stop it, I felt twin tears slip out of my eyes, lazily sliding down my cheeks to be followed by two others.  I couldn't stop.  The music rose to a hypnotic pitch, his voice leading the way up the hill, only to fall down the other side, slowly fading away until all I heard was the ringing in my own ears.

           My eyes slowly opened to see Beth staring at me intently, waiting for my reaction.  I could not speak as I felt my nose wrinkle and my eyes squeeze shut as more tears came in an all out sob.  Beth smiled understanding, and gathered me into her arms.

           "It's okay, Em.  Pretty powerful stuff, huh?" I nodded as I continued to hiccup against her chest. "It got me the first time, too.  Still does sometimes."

           "It's amazing.  Better then therapy." I finally managed.  I could feel her chuckle vibrate against the side of my head.

  PART 3

           I PULLED INTO the visitor's parking lot of Rebecca's school and turned everything off, glanced up at the large red brick building that was Bovine High.   I made my way toward the front doors of the massive high school, my hands buried in the deep pockets of my coat, my head bent against the brisk wind.

           "How are you doing, Frank?" I asked the security guard who held his post at the double front doors.

           "How goes it, Emily?  Cold one today, eh?"

           "You know it." I smiled at the older man, and entered the building.  The halls were mostly deserted as the second to the last class of the day was half into it.  I could hear the click clack of someone's high heels in an unseen hallway to my left.  I removed my bulky London Fog and carried it in my arms as I headed toward the third floor where my lover's classroom was.

           "Ms. Kelly?  I need your help over here.  This isn't turning out right." One of the students was saying as I walked through the open doorway of Rebecca's room.

           "Okay, Brian.  Hang on a minute." I spotted the woman with the dark red hair that I loved to run my hands through, it's thick, silky strands running through my fingers.  She looked stunning in her green mid-calve skirt that hugged her hips just so and creamy silk blouse.  She had removed the matching green jacket at some point in the day.  She was bent over looking into a microscope, her very shapely legs ran smoothly out from underneath the fabric of the skirt, and slid easily into cream colored heels, the strong calf muscles defined and delicious.

           I leaned against the doorframe with my arms crossed over my chest and stared in appreciation.  I was so proud of Rebecca.  When we had met nearly six years ago she had been a teller at a bank during the day, and was taking classes at night to earn her teaching degree.  I had not only fallen in love with the woman, but also her drive, and her dedication to anything she did.  She was breathtaking in every way.

           When as a young woman her mother had emigrated from Ireland to the United States, she had met Rebecca's father shortly after, and had become pregnant.  Rebecca's mother, Shannon was soon after abandoned by him, leaving Shannon to give birth to her daughter alone, and eventually raise her alone.  Shannon never married, wanting to give all her time and energy to her only child.  Rebecca and her mother had been very close, and she had been devastated when her mother had died three years earlier.

           "Ms. Kelly, someone is here." I straightened when I heard my presence being announced by some nasal sounding girl.  Rebecca looked over her shoulder and smiled.

           "I'll be right back, Carrie." she said with a light pat on the arm to the student that she had been helping.  She walked over to me.  Her sensual eyes that were either blue or green, or sometimes both, depending on what she was wearing, were a deep emerald green to match the suit she wore.  She wore no make-up, the peaches and cream complexion of a true red head, seemed to glow.

           "Hey, you." she said, her voice low and sultry, for my ears only, bringing back memories from that morning.  "This is a surprise." I grinned sheepishly, feeling conspicuous with thirty-five pairs of eyes staring at us.

           "I got our tickets today.  American, just under nine hundred, round-trip."

           "Not too bad." she said. "La Guardia?" I nodded.

           "My mother called today, too.  The funeral is Monday at three."

           "When is our flight?" she asked as she subconsciously tucked a restless wisp of my hair behind my ear.

           "Tomorrow at six-fifteen in the morning.  I figured that by time we got there, it'll be early enough that I can do any visiting and get it out of the way." Rebecca looked at me strange. "What?"

           "Honey, you haven’t been back to Colorado in years, and yet you feel that it’s a burden to see them?" I stared at her completely oblivious as to why she might be surprised.  She could see my confusion, and led me a little further out into the hall. "Emily, do you know what I would give if I could just hop on a plane, and go see my mother?" I sighed and glanced down at my fidgeting hands for a moment before I felt my chin being nudged up.  I met her gaze. "You take your family for granted.  And your friends." I stared, incredulous.  Her features softened, and she briefly took my hand, squeezing my fingers. "So how are?"

           "I’m okay." I said quietly, her words bouncing around in my mind. "I’ll get through this  It’s just kind of a shock, you know?"

           "Ms. Kelly, is this stuff supposed to smoke?" one of the students asked from the black science tables, as he stared down at a Bunsen Burner.

           "Oh, boy." She said with a look of  apology in her eyes. "I better get back in there.  Where are you off to now?"

           "Wal-Mart.  I need to pick us up some of those little travel doodads.  Do you need anything?" Rebecca shook her head and moved in close to me and whispered in my ear.

           "Just you." She gave me a kiss on the neck. "I’ll be a little late.  Dr. Landis wants me to stop by his office when I get out of school."

           "Why?  Is everything okay?" I asked, my brows drawn with concern.

           "Fine.  I’m not real sure what he wants.  I’ll tell you all about it tonight." And with a soft smile to ease my worry, she walked back into her class.  I watched her for a moment, not able to take my eyes off of the way her butt moved under the skirt, the sway of her hips.

           "Who was that woman?" I heard that same nasal voiced girl ask as I headed back down the hall.  I grinned.

           As usual, I had to park clear out in the Antarctic in the Wal-Mart parking lot.  Sam Walton sure knew what he was doing when he opened the chain.  The bitter cold tried to sneak in around my coat, biting at the exposed skin of my neck and up my sleeves to my arms.  I was shivering by time I reached the double doors of the store.  I nodded to the old man who stood at the door handing out carts and smiling at people, and headed toward Health and Beauty Aids to get what we needed.

           "No!  Beth, I, oomph." I sucked in my breath as the giant teddy bear flew into my stomach. "You’re going to pay for that!" I picked up a previously thrown Nerf football, pulled my arm back to launch, when the ball was taken out of my hand from behind.  I turned to see a man standing over me, his brows drawn, and an extremely not-happy look on his face.

           "You two need to leave." He hissed.  I looked back to Beth who was trying to not break out in hysterical laughter, then I looked around me at the isle that was filled with stuffed animals, balls, and a rubber pool toy that littered the floor around our feet so thick, the white tile could barely be seen.  I turned back to the disgruntled employee, and gave him my best, most innocent smile only to have him lift his arm, and point toward the direction of the front door.  Beth and I ran out of the store followed by our giggles.

           I chuckled as I loaded my cart with mini bottles of shampoo, and travel cases for soap and tooth brushes.

           Darla Newman had invited me over for a movie night while her parents were out, but I refused to go unless Beth could go, too.  Finally Darla had agreed.

           "No.  don’t make me, Em.  Please?" Beth pleaded as she lay on my bed on her stomach, my trusty teddy, Ruffles in her arms.  She watched as I sat on the floor in front of  my full-length mirror, brushing my hair.

           "Beth, you leave in what, like four days?  I want to spend as much time with you as I can." I said, sticking a barrette in my mouth as I pulled one side of my hair back with my hands.

           "But does that have to mean at Darla’s house?" she groaned as she buried her face in Ruffles thick, brown fur. "That chick is strange, and she does not like me." She rolled over onto her back, pulling the bear with her, and stared up at the ceiling, connecting the little dots of insulation thingamajigs with her finger.  I glanced at her through the mirror.

           "Come on, Beth.  She’s not that bad.  It’ll be fun."

           "Yeah, so was Auschwitz." She mumbled.

           I ignored her comment, and tucked my pink polo shirt into my shorts and lifted the collar so it framed my neck, and the very bottom of my chin.  Beth looked at me through narrowed eyes, and turned back to her stomach.

           "You’ve never wore you shirt like that before.  I don’t think I’ve ever even seen you in a shirt like that before."  She sat up.

           "It’s Darla’s.  Do you like it?" I asked, standing, and turning around to face her, my arms out to the sides, palms up in expectation.

           "Can do without the pink."

           "I knew you’d say that." I muttered as I turned back to the mirror, putting the last couple of touches to my bangs that were feathered back, adding a final sprits of Aqua Net.

           "Then why did you ask?" Beth grabbed Ruffles and hugged him again, looking at my reflection critically.

           "I don’t know.  Maybe I thought for once I’d get a straight answer out of you, or something." I added some light pink bubble gum lip gloss, smacking my lips together.

           "You smell like a gumball machine." She said, wrinkling her nose. "Em, you look so much better when you go just as yourself, without all that crap."  I turned to look at her, my hands on my hips.  I could feel the attitude that I dawned like a cloak when around Darla Newman, slide into place.

           "Well, I really don’t care what you think, Beth.  I happen to like all that crap.  Is that okay with you?" she looked at me for a moment, surprised washed briefly over her face before she became expressionless again.

           "Since when." She muttered as she tossed Ruffles aside, and stood from the bed. "Fine.  So, are you done?  If I have to do this, I want to get it over with as soon as possible." I watched as she walked out of the bedroom, stunned.

           "Emily!  Hi!" Darla exclaimed when she opened the front door to her house.  She looked as if she was not expecting company, and was beyond thrilled at the surprise. I was slightly annoyed at how fake she could be sometimes..  I looked over at Beth in time to see her roll her eyes. "I see you brought your little friend." She turned to Beth, a smile plastered to her face. "Beth, isn’t it?"

           "Yup.  Since the day I was born." I glared at her.  Darla looked down to take in Beth’s faded blue jeans that were getting thin in the knees, and her scuffed cowboy boots that were planted wide, as if she were waiting for a fight.  Dark eyes traveled back up to see the tight, black tank Beth wore that showed her tanned, muscled arms crossed over her chest.  She briefly took in the worn Broncos cap, and finally stopped at annoyed, vibrant blue eyes that met her gaze with a raised brow in a silent challenge.  Darla’s focus immediately turned back to me.

           "Come on in.  Hurry before we let any flying or crawly things in." she turned away from us, and disappeared into the dark house.

           "Does that count the residence?" Beth muttered as she followed.  I stifled a grin.

           The Newman house was one of the biggest in the neighborhood, and looked out of place next to all the smaller, two and three bedroom homes that surrounded it.  Darla had happily told me one day that her house had "approximately six and one half bedrooms, and three bathrooms.  Oh, four if you count the little half bath Daddy put in last year."

           The Newman’s were a pretentious, pompous group of people who had lots of money, and even more arrogance.  I often wondered why I hung out with her at all.  Beth asked me that question often.  Ma parents seemed to approve, and I knew that through Darla I would get to know the right people once we hit high school.  The right group would be helpful in getting into important clubs that looked good for college.  I had already decided that the next four years would be dedicated to getting the best grades, and getting the best scholarships I could.  Being a lawyer was an obsession.  Besides, it looked better.

           "Em, who gives a damn what your folks thing of Darla?  She is a little rich bitch." Beth had said one night, her vibrant blue eyes fire. "You have got to learn that what other people think is not that important.  What do they know, anyway?  Sometimes I don’t think I’m heading where you’re heading." That had made me hear hurt, mostly because I knew Beth spoke the truth.

           "So do you guys want anything to drink?  Eat?  Candy?  Ice cream?  Chocolate?" We followed the sound of Darla's voice and ended up in the kitchen where the only source of light was that coming out of the open fridge.

           "I'll take a cols." I said brightly finding one of the barstools, and plopping down.  Beth looked at me as if she wasn't quite sure what to do.  I indicated that she should sit on the stool next to mine.

           "I don't want-"

           "So, Emily!  Guess what!" Darla ran right over Beth, not even checking her rear-view mirror to see if she was still alive.  I looked at Beth with surprise clearly evident in  my green eyes.  She was looking down at the floor, a hand on her hip as she lightly chuckled to herself.  I didn't know what to do, or if I should.

           "Uh, what?" I stammered.  My blood began to burn as I felt an automatic need to protect Beth from Darla's harsh judgments, but lacked the courage to do anything.

           Darla walked over to the breakfast bar in front of us, leaning down on the counter top with her elbows.

           "Remember that guy?  Scott Mathews?" I nodded as I opened the top of the Coke she had set in front of me. "You know, the guy with the really cute butt?" again I nodded.  "Well, the other day me and Laura and Sandra and Mary were at the mall, and oh my god!  There he was!  He looked so cute in his shorts and shirt.  Oh, I could have just died!" I could hear Beth groan next to me, just barely audible, but I picked up on it.  I tapped her leg with the toe of my Ked under the bar when she plopped down on the stool next to mine. "Well, he walks over to us, and he has Spencer Milton, and Brett Kylor with him.  So it was like, oh my god!  The three most popular, rich guys in our school, right?" Nod. "Okay, so they walk up to us, and Scott says hello to me!" Darla screamed and clapped her hands. "Isn't that great?" I smiled, trying to show my support.

           "That is so cool, Darla." I said happily.  I ignored Beth as I felt her eyes on me.

           "Don't you think that he is just like soooo cute?" she exclaimed, eyeing me expectantly, her dark blond brows raised to near her hairline in anticipation.

           "Um, oh yeah.  Scott Mathews is so totally cute, Darla.  You are so lucky."

           "Em, you said you thought-" Beth began to say.  I quickly turned to her and cut her off.

           "Beth, do you want a drink of my Coke?" she looked at me strangely.

           "No." I gave her a look that told her to shut her mouth.  She shook her head slightly, her eyes taking on a dull sheen, but said no more about it.  Darla walked back over to the fridge, and began to pull out different kinds of meats and cheeses, throwing them on the counter behind her.  Then she headed for a cabinet above the microwave, throwing boxes filled with different typed of crackers next to the meat and cheese, rambling the entire time about school, boys, hair, make-up, and clothes.  Beth tossed her cap onto the bar in front of us, and ran her hands through dark hair.  I could tell she was being pushed far beyond her limits, and the only reason she hadn't throttled Darla Newman was because of me.  Finally with a sigh, she put her cap back on, and rested against her forearms on the bar, starting down at her fingers.

           "Oh my god, you have got to see this!" Darla exclaimed as she turned back to us, nearly scaring the bejesus out of me.  Her brown eyes were wide with excitement, and she hurried out of the room, half-made snacks forgotten on the counter.

           She led the way toward the very spacious family room .  I had been in Darla's house before, but I watched Beth as she looked around, her mouth slightly open, her eyes wide.  I could tell she was trying to hide her reaction to all the beautiful things the Newmans had, but she wasn't doing a very good job of it.

           The white carpet was thick, like walking on a cloud.  The fifty inch t.v. was in an oak cabinet against the far wall.  On either side were shelves lined with hundreds of different figurines, and strange knickknacks.  Darla looked over her shoulder at Beth who had a strange expression on her face as she gazed at all the figures.

           "Daddy is sent to other countries for his job, and so he always buys some stupid little statue for my mom.  She collects them, or something.  So I wouldn't become too attached to them if I were you."  She looked at me, and winked.  Then she broke out into a wide grin. "I'm just kidding.. Sit." she said pointing toward the comfortable looking couch that was covered with a pastel green pattern with bits of blue and gray mixed in.  I did as I was told.  Beth walked over to the Elizabethan wingback that was upholstered in gray with the same colors of green and blue of the couch.  I looked at her with a question in my eyes.  Why wouldn't she sit with me?  Beth wouldn't look at me.  I could tell she was angry at me for dragging her here, and was just biding her time before she could escape.  I knew Darla had aimed that comment about the figurines at Beth, and I knew Beth was smart.  She didn't miss a beat.  But didn't she understand that Darla was shallow, and simple?  Had to belittle others to feel better herself?  Why couldn't Beth just fit in like everybody else?  I wanted all my friends to get along.

           "This is my father's newest toy.  It's called a VCR.  I don't know what that stands for, though." She grinned sheepishly.

           "Video cassette recorder." Beth said dully as she looked at the international figurines again, her chin resting in her hand.

           "Yeah!  That's right." Darla exclaimed. "I'll have to remember that.  Anyway, we got 'Ordinary People' with that really, really cute guy, Timothy Hutton.  And my mom made me get that boring movie, 'Kramer vs. Kramer'.  But it had Dustin Hoffman in it, and he's kinda cute."

           "That's a great movie!" Beth exclaimed, sitting up a little more in her chair.  "That has Meryl Streep in it.  She is one of the greatest actresses to ever walk across the screen."

           "Whatever." Darla said dryly.  She took one of the videos out of its box, and slid it into the large, silver machine.  The t.v. clicked on with a static filled whoosh, and the movie began.

           Beth was transfixed by the images she saw on the screen of the television that was bigger than any her mom or my parents had ever owned.  Darla sat on the couch next to me, and talked incessantly about boys, and hair, and clothes, and make-up, and jewelry, and Scott Mathews.  On and on until I finally found myself on autopilot, nodding my head and saying "Uh huh" now and then, until finally she said something that caught my attention cold.

           "So why do you hang out with her, Emily?  She is a freak."  My head snapped around from watching Dustin Hoffman fighting with his little boy over eating ice cream instead of dinner.

           "What?"

           "You heard me.  Beth is a total freak, and will bring you down.  You must know that?" I quickly turned to look at Beth to see if she had heard any of this.  "Don't worry about her.  She's so wrapped in that stupid movie that I doubt a tornado could bother her."

           "Please don't talk about Beth that way, Darla.  She is my best friend." I said weakly.  I didn't know what to do.  Beth was indeed my best friend, and I didn't want her to get hurt, but Darla was the only other friend I had around the neighborhood, and with Beth gone for the rest of the summer, I didn't want to be left alone.

           "Emily, that is the problem!  People talk about her at school all the time.  And," she leaned in, almost conspiratorially, "They're starting to talk about you, too."

            "Darla," I stopped as I turned toward Beth who had stood from her chair.  She looked at us, her face expressionless, but her eyes were burning.

           "Been a hoot, I better get going.  Later." She walked toward the front door, fists clenching and unclenching at her sides.  She never looked at either of us.

           "Beth!" I called out as I raced after her.  I could feel my heart sink.

           "Emily!" Darla called out after me.  I ignored her.  Beth was just about to descend the steps of the porch when I caught up to her.

           "Wait, Beth please don't go." I said, breathless.  She turned on me, she was furious.  She took a step forward until her face was mere inches from mine.

           "I am not going to stay here, Em.  That little rich bitch may have you wrapped around her little finger, but I know her game.  I've known conniving little debutantes all my life,  and why you'd put yourself in the path of one on purpose is beyond me." She turned and began to walk again, her foot on the first step.

           "I'm sorry, Beth." I threw my arms up into the air, at a loss of what to do anymore.  Beth kept going.  She hit the second step, her boot about to touch the path that would lead to the sidewalk and Beth's salvation.  I watched her, feeling my anger build.  "God, I feel like I am always saying that to you, saying that I am sorry!"   She stopped and looked up at me, her face had resigned, her eyes sad.

           "Maybe that's because you keep screwing up." I stared, dumbstruck. "Em, I am used to people looking down on me, laughing at me.  I have a mother who is a drunk and couldn't keep her husband.  I am different.  I'm not like all the other girls.  And all that is fine.  I don't care about them.  But you, Em.  You're my best friend.  Aren't you supposed to stand up for me like I stand up for you?" she turned from me again only to turn back.  "And one more thing, Em.  I got news for you, no matter how much you try to be like the Darla Newman's of the world, you're different, too.  Some day you just might realize that." I watched, paralyzed, as Beth walked to the end of the path, and out onto the sidewalk to head home.  I turned back to Darla's house, staring up at its massive structure, so torn.  My eyes were drawn to the silhouette that was coming to the door.

           "Why did she leave?" I stared at my friend, something in me telling me that she had been standing there the entire time, and knew exactly what was going on.

           "Look, Darla.  I'm not feeling too good.  I'm gonna go home."  She didn't say anything for a moment, then shrugged her shoulders.

           "Okay.  See you later."  I heard the heavy front door slam shut as I headed for the path.

           As I walked home I thought of what had just happened.  When had Beth and I grown so far apart?  It seemed to me on that hot summer night that one day we had met, been so much alike that my parents used to tease us and say that they could take home Beth one day, and no one would ever know it wasn't me.  Then the next day I woke up, and we are two completely different people with two completely different goals in life, and ways.  It wasn't fair.

           I picked a ripe apple off of the Nivens' tree as I passed it, taking a large bite of the sweet, ripe fruit.  I glanced over at my house across the street, and decided to keep walking, not ready to go home yet.

           I knew just on a gut level that once we started high school me and Beth would be no more.  She would go her way, and I would go mine.  All the same, Beth Sayers was a part of me; a part of my heart, and soul, and I hoped always would be.  I thought about the future.  What would it bring?  Would I end up some big lawyer in some big city as I hoped I would?  Where would Beth be?  I plopped down on the curb in front of the McKinzey house, and at my apple as I thought of one time when we'd been about eleven or twelve.  We had promised with a pinky swear that we would buy houses on the same block, maybe even next door, and always go over each other's place and have lunch, and watch movies together.  I smiled ruefully as I chewed.  That had sure gone out the window.  Even at a few weeks away from fifteen, I knew that was no longer to be.  Did I have to chose between Beth and my new life?  My new friends?  I know Beth had been hurt by Darla, and my non-action.  She had every right to be.  But did she have a right to place me in a situation where I had to chose?  I didn't know.  I stood from the curb, threw the apple core into the McKinzey trash barrel, and walked on.

           Wal-Mart was busy as usual.  Was this place ever empty?  I pushed my buggy strategically around slow, and inconsiderate shoppers who felt the need to park their cart in the middle of the isle, and talk.  I barely managed to miss being hit by an old woman who was staring down the isles she passed instead of where she was going.  Finally finding the HBA department, I ducked down an isle containing mouth wash and toothpaste.  So many brands to chose from.  I smiled as I thought about Beth.  She had some of the most straight, white teeth I'd ever seen.  She had been one of those lucky people who never had to see the inside of an orthodontists lair.  Lucky kid.  I found a small, travel-size bottle of Scope, and tossed it into my buggy.  As I found the rest of our travel toiletries, I wondered if maybe I was giving my past too much thought.  I remember my father once saying, let the past lie with the dead.  I thought perhaps he was right when I saw two little girls who looked to be around eight or nine, walking arm in arm.  One little girl had bright red hair, and sparkling green eyes.  Her friend's black hair was woven into tight braids with brightly colored barrettes at the ends.  Her chocolate complexion was bright with youth, her dark eyes laughing as they giggled together.  I stood for a moment and watched them.  The perfect combination; one dark, one light to balance each other.  Beth and I were the same.  My light side met her darker personality, and together we had been like yin and yang.  One began where the other ended, creating the perfect circle.

           I wondered around my house restlessly for four days, not sure what to do.  I knew somehow that Beth did not want to see me, so I wasn't going to force yet another apology on her if she didn't want it.  My mother kept glancing at me with an odd expression on her face.  She wanted to ask, but something held her back.  She gratefully accepted my extra help around the house, but finally the day before Beth was to leave for camp she placed her hand over mine, stopping me in the middle of folding a pair of socks.  I looked into her concerned eyes.

           "Honey, Beth is going to be leaving tomorrow, right?" I nodded. "Why don't you just go and talk to her?" I shrugged, once again amazed at how perceptive my mother could be.

           "I can't."  I said simply.  She shook her head sadly, and continued to fold laundry.  I knew deep down that I was wrong this time, and part of my resistance was my own courage, or lack of it.  The plain and simple of it was, I didn't know what to say.

           It was a hot night as June was half over.  It was turning out to be a record-breaking summer with temperatures in the upper nineties to the one hundred mark every day.  I was miserable.

           My parents had bought Billy and I a huge trampoline a couple of summers ago, and I laid on it as I stared up at the stars.  My parents were asleep.  Usually Billy would have joined me, but he was gone.  I missed him terribly.  At the beginning of the month he had left for the Army, sent somewhere in the south for boot camp.  I sighed heavily as I thought of beginning school come the fall.  High school.  The idea scared me, as well as excited me.  I wanted to make my grades everything to me.  I didn't care about anything else, as long as I could get a good scholarship, and go on to law school.  Everything else was just fluff.

           My thoughts turned to Beth, again.  What would she do once she hit high school?  She hated school.  I figured she would probably pursue the theater.  I smiled to myself as I thought back to the production of Andrew Lloyd Webber's  'Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat' that had been put on as the summer musical last year.  She had played Mrs. Potiphar, not a big part, but she had been wonderful.  I had stared up at her on that stage with so much pride.  She was so good at what she did.  I honestly thought that theater had been the only thing that kept Beth here.  She had nothing else, no connections-

           "What are you thinking about out here all by yourself?" I looked up to see Beth staring down at me.  She wore cut off Jean shorts with a tank top, her hands buried in her hip pockets.

           "School." I said quietly.  She nodded and climbed up onto the black tramp with me.

           "Yeah.  I've been thinking a lot about that, too." She sighed as she plopped down on her back, the entire tarp bouncing us both slightly at the quick movement.  It always reminded me of water.  That must be what it was like to sleep on a ship, I mused.

           "I was also thinking about that musical you did last summer." I could almost hear the smile spread across Beth's young face.

           "Oh, yeah.  'Potiphar had very few cares, he was one of Egypt's millionaires," she began to sing.  I joined her, "having made a fortune buying shares in, Pyramids.'" We broke into a healthy stream of laughter.  It felt so good to laugh with her again.  We didn't laugh as much as we used to.

           "That was probably the best time of my life so far." She said wistfully.  I turned to look at her profile.  She still wore the smile, her eyes lost in memories.

           "This summer theater camp is going to be really good for you, isn't it?" I asked.  She looked at me, and nodded.

           "Yeah, I think so.  I can't wait  I only feel complete when I'm on that stage, doing a play."

           "Has your mother calmed down any?" Beth turned to look at the stars again.

           "She'll get over it.  She always does." She placed her hands on her stomach and began to beat out a simple rhythm that kept time with the tune in her head, probably something from 'Joseph...'  "Do you remember that song 'Close Every Door' from the musical last year?" she asked, eyes glued to the stars.

           "Yes.  It's a beautiful song."

           "You think?  I always thought it was so sad.  'Close every door to me, take those I love, from me.  Bar all the windows, and shut out the light...,'" I closed my eyes as I listened to Beth's smooth voice sing. "Do what you want with me, hate me, and laugh at me.  Darken my day times, and torture my nights...  for we know we shall find, our own piece of mind, for we have been promised a land of our own.'" She began to hum the song softly, her thoughts a million miles away, but suddenly she stopped. "I always felt that way, like that song was about me, you know?  I could relate."  She was quiet for a moment, then she looked over at me with a grin.  "Have you ever noticed that the tarp on a tramp smells like the seats on the school bus?" she turned to me when I didn't answer, and found me staring at her like she was crazy. "You've never noticed that?" I shook my head. "Yeah, well you smart, uncreative types." She sat up and looked down at me.  "I'm sorry about that whole thing at Darla's, Em.  I know that you're just kind of stuck in the middle."

           "It's okay, Beth.  You don't have to apologize.  It's not your fault.  It's mine.  Darla isn't a real friend, I realize that." I said softly.

           "So why are you friends with her?"

           "Someone to hang around with, I don't know."

           "With friends like that," Beth smiled.  I smiled back.  "I better go.  I'm leaving in the morning, and didn't want to leave mad, or you mad at me.  This has been a tough few days." She scooted to the side and lowered herself to the ground.  I stared at her back in awe.  How can she be so forgiving?  Beth had the biggest heart of anyone.  What would I do without her?  She turned to look at me.

           "What?" I asked, confused at her expectant expression.

           "Don't I rate a hug?" I grinned, and jumped down from the tramp and into her arms.  We stood in each other's embrace for nearly five minutes, neither wanting to be anywhere else in the whole world. "I'm going to miss you." she whispered in my ear.  A shiver ran down the length of my body.

           "I'll miss you, too."

           "You'll write, right?" Beth asked when finally we parted.  I nodded, knowing speaking at that moment would be a mistake.  I swallowed my rising emotion down.

           "Sure.  But you have to write back, Beth Sayers!" I admonished.  She grinned shyly.

           "I will.  I promise.  Maybe I can call you on your birthday."  she said, her voice hopeful.

           "You better." I said, trying again with every ounce of self-control in me to not cry.  Beth smiled as if she could see my inner turmoil.  She ran a quick hand through my hair and began to turn away.

           "See ya." I watched her walk over to the fence that separated our two yards.  She climbed up on top of the trashcan there, and with a mighty heave, pulled herself up to balance for a moment on top of the wooden fence.  She looked at me over her shoulder again and smiled, then jumped down to the other side.

           I grabbed the few pieces of mail I took from the box between my teeth, and fumbled with one hand to get the right key into the lock, my other hand and arm boggled down with blue plastic bags filled with our stuff to go.  The door opened after my third attempt, and I hurried inside to drop my load before my arm came off.  Dumping everything on the kitchen table, I headed out to the car for the rest.

           With a sigh I dropped my keys on the table amidst the mass of bags, and hung my purse on the doorknob of the pantry.

           "Hey, lover boy." I crooned when I felt Simon's tail weaving it's way between my calves, leaving a black trail of fur on my jeans.  "Well, looks like we're going to have to make mommy brush you tonight, huh little man?" I gushed, rubbing the top of his head, and down between his eyes, his eyes tightly shut, loud purring filling the quiet kitchen.

           I grabbed the small pile of envelopes, and began to sift through them.  "Bill, bill, junk mail, bill, hmmm." I dropped the other bits of mail back to the table and held one in my hand, the handwritten name and address catching my eye.  I flipped the letter over to see if there was a return address on the back flap.   Monica Nivens, Pueblo, Colorado.  I drew my brows together then a small grin spread across my lips.  I slid my finger under the flap, and tore the paper open.  A single sheet had a short, neatly handwritten note.

           Dear Emily,

           I want to tell you how sorry I am about Beth. She was an incredible woman, and was a very good friend to have. I am looking forward to seeing you if you come back home for the funeral. Please come. Emily, it has been far too long since you've been home.

           Your mother tells me you are happily involved with a teacher named Rebecca. Why didn't you tell me! If  you come down, and I hope you do, I am looking forward to meeting this special  woman who was finally able to keep a hold of Emily Thomas. Lord knows the rest of us couldn't!

           Take care, Emily, and know that my thoughts and prayers are with you right now.

           Love Always,

           Monica

           P.S. If you'd like, Connie and I would love for the two of you to stay with us. Which brings me to -

           P.S.S. I can't wait for you to meet Connie.  I wish you could have come to our commitment ceremony, but I do understand the life of a lawyer, boy do I!  Connie and I constantly fight about it!

           I laid the letter on the table with a smile.  Monica.  She was right; it had been far too long.  I chuckled as I began to take all of my purchases out of the bags, and arrange them for packing, or putting away.  I smiled again as I could hear my mother's voice,.....

           "Did you hear that Claudia Nivens' girl is going to law school?"  my ears perked up immediately.  A real life law student?  And so close!

           "She don't look smart enough to be no lawyer." my father said, sitting in his recliner, feet up, newspaper in his hands.  My mother looked over at him, putting her Redbook down into her lap.

           "Henry.  That's not nice."

           "Well, it's true." my father said looking at her from around his paper.  "She looks like a damn idiot with those glasses of hers always just half way on her nose.  Who in hell wears glasses half on and half off?"

           "I thought glasses were supposed to make you look smarter?" I said from my place on the floor in front of the t.v., watching my favorite character, Jo on The Facts of Life.

           "Not her."

           Claudia Nivens' husband, Ray had died in the early seventies from a terrible accident at the CF&I steel mill, and she and their only daughter, Monica lived off of what life insurance he had had, as well as Claudia was a nurse at St. Mary Corwin Hospital.  Monica was much older than I was, so she had little to do with us kids.  She started law school when I was only twelve.  I sat on the banana seat of my bike from our driveway and watched across the street as Monica would hurry out the front door with a backpack slung over one shoulder, usually more books in her hand as she raced toward her beat up light blue Volkswagen Bug.  She'd look over at me, her black hair pinned up on the sides, the dark length blowing around her pretty face and give me the slightest smile, and disappear into the car, and drive off.

           I entered the kitchen again from running some packages of toilet paper to the bathroom upstairs, eyeing the letter on the table.  I thought back to the summer Beth had gone off to camp.

           ~~

           Dear Emily,

           June 23, 1981

           Hey, Em.  Um, I'm not real good at writing letters, so you're going to get what you get, okay?  Anyway, I made it all the way here to Tennessee all on my own. Man, was that scary! I never flew before. It's really kind of cool in a way. When you take off from the runway the plane starts to go really, really fast, and you feel almost like you're stuck to your seat. Then when that huge, metal bird lifts off, your stomach goes, too. Kind of like being on a roller coaster, but not as bad.

           My dad was so happy to see me, I really thought he was going to cry! I have never seen him so emotional before, yikes! His wife, Lynn is really nice, too. She's pregnant, so in a few months I'll have a little brother or sister! Isn't that great? I never thought I'd be an older sister, though lord knows I'm surprised I haven’t been five times over by my mother.

           Well, I got to camp three days ago. It is really nice here. The camp is HUGE! There are kids here from all over the U.S. I met a girl from Alaska the other day! Isn't that wild?

           I'm in a cabin with seven other girls, not counting our counsellor. They are all pretty nice for the most part. Only three of us are here to do theater. The others I'm not real sure about.

           It is really hot and humid here. Ugh.

           I guess it's like that here in the south. They have the coolest accents here. You know how I pick them up, so I'm sure it won't take long and I'll be saying things like y’all, and fixin' too, usedtacould. It's so funny. Like it's all one word! Love it.

           I guess this will have to do for now. I miss you a lot!!!!! I'll write again soon. Oh, and I'm sending you a birthday card, too. Hopefully you'll get it on time!

           Love,

           Beth

           ~~

           A birthday wish for a special friend on her special day.....

           June 24, 1981

           Happy Birthday from that special

           place in my heart.

           ~~

           Hey, Em.

           I know this card is kind of dorky, but it was all I could find.

           Happy Birthday! I miss you!!!!

           Beth.

           P.S. The food here is awful! One girl said that this stuff tastes like prison food.

           I wonder how she knows that?

           ~~

           Dear Beth,

           6/27/81

           Hello. I was so excited to get your letter! I got your card today, too. Thank you.

           I can't believe I am going to be 15 tomorrow, can you? Sometimes I think we are getting so old. Mom says that dad is going to start teaching me how to drive, and he's going to stop at the driver's license place and get me a driving book to study!

           Isn't that exciting? I can't wait.

           Everything here is pretty much the same. It has been soooo hot here, too.

           But as you know, it's dry heat. What's humidity like? I hate it. I've heard that humidity can cause all kinds of pimples. Is that true? I sure hope not! If I plan to live in New York or Los Angeles some day, I'll get the hugest zit on my face as I'm trying some huge case in court!

           Wouldn't that be awful? The judge would probably laugh his butt off.

           Me and Darla went swimming yesterday. It was fun, but we ran into Scott Mathews there. I am so sick of hearing about him, and having to see him. I mean, jeez. I don't care about him or any of his stupid friends! They tried to invite us over to Scott's house for some stupid pool party. Darla was thrilled. I didn't want to go, so I didn't. Besides, I think my parents would have flipped!

           My mom says we are way too young to date, and she thinks that Darla's parents are just asking for trouble by encouraging her to. I don't know if I agree with them, but all the same, I'm not interested. I have too much else to worry about other than some boy.

           I better go for now. It is so late, and I am so tired. I think my mom has a big day planned tomorrow. She won't tell me. I miss you, too. Please come back soon!

           Love,

           Emily Jane Thomas

           ~~

           Dear Em,

           July 3, 1981

           I am so happy! We had to write a short one-act play to act out with ourselves and two or three other people, and then we performed them for our teacher, he's this strange guy named Buck. That's what he wants us to call him. Wild, huh?

           Anyway, so we perform them, and he'd pick the one he liked the best, and then the winner would do their play for the entire camp.

           I won!

           Isn't that great? See, Em, I told you those scenes that you and me acted out would be useful (smile).

           I met the coolest counselor today. Her name is Casey something. I don't know her last name. She is so much fun. She isn't in our cabin, but the one next to it. I think she is good friends with our counselor, Kim. She is from Montana, but lived most of her early life in England, and has this wicked British accent. She is really big into the theater. She is seventeen. Em, you should see her. She has long, blonde hair with these big expressive brown eyes. Eyes kind of like a puppy dog.

           She has the most beautiful smile. I think you'd like her, she's so nice.

           I've heard that about humidity, too. But I don't know if that's true or not.

           I've actually noticed that my skin is healthier here. Don't know. Either way, Em, no judge in his right mind is about to

           kick you out of a courtroom! If he does, tell me, and I'll kick his ass for you. (smile)

           Better go. Happy 4th of July! I miss you so much! I hope these next two months fly by.

           Love,

           Beth

           ~~

           Greetings!

           7/8/81

           Hi, Beth!

           I was so happy when you called me. When I didn't hear from you on my birthday I was so sad. But then you called the next day, and it was all okay again. Just the sound of your voice made me happy, and not miss you quite as much. At least for a while, anyway. (grin)

           Me and mom went to the store today. We both ran out of eye make-up. That stuff is so expensive, you know? Jeez. Those cosmetic companies must think we are all rich. Good thing my parents give me a generous allowance.

           I am so proud of you, Beth. I knew you would do well there. I saw your mom today. She asked if I had heard from you. Why haven't you written her? She got a job finally. I think she said she's at the grocery store. I hope she'll like it there. I know it's been hard for you guys since she got fired from the bank after that whole... deal.

           I didn't know you guys were allowed to be friends with the counselors?

           Better go. Darla is taking me to the movies tonight. I have to start getting ready.

           When are you coming home?

           P.S. Do you think I should use my full name once we get to high school?

           Love,

           Emily Jane Thomas

           ~~

           Dear Beth,

           7/14/81

           Beth, why haven't you written?

           Are you okay? Please write soon. I miss you!

           I miss your letters, too....

           P.S. My dad took me driving today. It was so scary! We went driving around the cemetery so I could see what it's like with a curvy road. Plus my dad said that if I killed us we'd be in the right place. He's such a goof!

           Emily

           ~~

           Dear Em,

           July 21, 1981

           Hey, Em. Sorry I haven't written in awhile. I've been really busy. Buck has us working our butts off. Me and this guy, Chris had to write a 2-act play together. It is really good. That took a lot of time, though. We couldn't decide on a script forever, but then he finally decided to agree with me.

           Of course, I had to persuade him just a little. (evil grin)

           I'm glad he came to his senses. I hate the sight of blood. Oh! I have got to tell you about this.

           Last night me and Casey, remember the counselor I told you about?, snuck out and went swimming. It was so fun! It was so bad. We are not allowed to be out of our cabins past ten, but we waited until about one in the morning, and met out behind our cabins.

           She really surprised me, though.

           She took off her clothes! She wanted me to 'skinny dip' with her, but I was like no way!

           But there we were at the lake, and she is completely nude.

           She is beautiful. I really admire her a lot. If I could only have half the body at seventeen that she has!

           So my mother got a job? Good for her.

           Better go. Miss you.

           P.S. Why did you have to buy eye make-up? You don't wear eye make-up. Do you? Oh, and humidity is beginning to get sticky hot. We're in the middle of a major heat wave right now.

           Ugh!!

           P.S.S. To answer your question about your name.

           Why would you go by your full name just because it's high school?

           You said you always hated your full name.

           Love,

           Beth

           ~~

           Dear Beth,

           7/25/81

           I was glad to hear from you. I was getting worried. This Casey sounds kind of like trouble. She can get you both in so much hot water if she's not careful. She is the counselor! Be careful, Beth. Why on earth would she take her clothes off in front of you?

           Scott Mathews finally asked Darla out. She was so excited. She set me up with one of his friends, Seth Lewis. I think it's kind of ironic that his name and yours rhyme.

           Anyway, I am so glad that you'll be back in a month.

           How is the acting going? I miss you.

           P.S. Yeah, I do hate my full name, but it sounds a lot more grown up than Emmy. Don't you think?

           Love,

           Emily Thomas

           ~~

           Dear Em,

           August 1, 1981

           Hey. Wow. Casey went on a trip with some of the other counselors to a town called Cropville, (no kidding!), which is only about ten miles away from camp. She bought me this really beautiful bracelet. I'm laying here on my bunk right now looking at it.

           It's silver, (I told her how much I like silver) and it has a bunch of charms on it. Like this one is a heart, this one is a happy face, and this one is a sad face.

           She was tying to get as close to the comedy/tragedy faces of drama as she could. Isn't that sweet?

           We've snuck out every night for the last two weeks.

           It's been amazing. We almost got caught last night. It was pretty close.

           Better go. Miss you.

           Don't grow up too fast, Em.

           Beth

           ~~

           Dear Beth,

           8/5/81

           What are you doing, Beth? Are you crazy? You are going to get into so much trouble! What is it with this girl? What are you doing that is 'so amazing'? What, does she let you lay on top of her, too? Do you two kiss, and do other stuff, too?

           Emily

           ~~

           Dear Beth,

           8/7/81

           Hi. I'm sorry.

           I had no right to say that, Beth. Please forgive me? How is camp going? Have you written anything else, lately? I miss you a lot.

           Love, (if you can)

           Emily Thomas

           ~~

           Dear Beth,

           8/12/81

           Are you ever going to write back to me? Where are you? What is going on? Do you still see Casey? Talk to me, Beth. Please?

           I broke up with Seth. He wanted to kiss me. I thought he was just way too much of a dork.

           It's been really hot. Billy is going to be able to come home for Christmas. We just found out.

           Have you written your mother yet?

           I miss you, Beth.

           Love,

           Emily Jane Thomas

           ~~

           Dear Beth,

           8/15/81

           ???????????????????????????????

           Emily Jane Thomas

           ~~

           Dear Emily,

           August 20, 1981

           Hello. Camp is good. They made Casey leave. She left yesterday. Bastards.

           I should be coming home in about a week. Probably around the time you get this.

           I hope you're doing good. See you soon.

           Beth

           ~~

           I stared at the short letter in my hand.  I wasn't sure what to think.  Was she mad at me for letting my mouth get away from me yet again?  Why did her friend have to leave camp?  I had so many questions and thoughts running through my brain it made my head hurt.

           I sat down on my bed and stared out my window.  I re-read the letter again before I tossed it on the comforter beside me.  Grabbing my teddy, Ruffles and holding him to me, I laid back against the pillows.  My teddy always comforted me.  I looked at the pile of envelopes I had stacked on my dresser.  All of Beth's letter's from over the summer.  It had been so exciting to come home from some place, and see the newly arrived letter waiting for me to tear open and read.  Beth's large, sloppy writing called to me.  I smiled as I realized her scrawl was as carefree as she who penned it.  The smile disappeared when that new girl, Casey entered my thoughts.  Was she Beth's new best friend?  It sounded that way to me.  I sighed as I finally admitted to myself that I was jealous of this counselor.  Why did Beth like her so much?  Was it because she was older?  Was she prettier than me?  I rolled my eyes at this last thought.  Who cared what she looked like?  Blonde with big, brown eyes.  Sounds ugly to me.

           I rolled over on my side, taking Ruffles with me.  Staring at my closet door with the poster of Olivia Newton-John on it I sighed.  Olivia had blond hair, but she had beautiful blue eyes.  Not dorky brown like Casey.  Her glossy lips smiled at me, her over-sized shirt leaving her bronze shoulder exposed, her short hair swept back from her face with a headband.  I smiled back at her.  I wished that someday I would be beautiful like that.  Suddenly needing to hear the soft voice of the goddess, Olivia, I rolled off the bed to my stereo and put on my record of the soundtrack to Grease!.  I smiled as I heard Olivia sing 'You're the One That I Want' with John Travolta.  I closed my eyes with a smile as the pianist began to pound out the blusey beat.

           "I got chills, they're multiplyin'," I sang as I danced around my small room with Ruffles in my arms.  I started as my bedroom door slammed open, my aunt Kitty leaning against it with her eyes closed as she sang along with me.

           "You better shape up, 'cause I need a man.....'"  I giggled as she came into the room and grabbed my hands and swung me around.

           "You're the one that I want, oh oh oh.  Honey.  The one that I want, oh oh oh.  Honey.  The one that I want, oh oh oh.  The one I need, oh yes indeed!'"

           The song came to an end, and we both collapsed on my bed out of breath.  We turned to look at each other, finally exploding in a fit of giggles.

           "You're so silly, Aunt Kitty." I laughed.

           "Yup.  I am." She sat up, grabbing my hand as she stood.  "I have been sent to get you for dinner." She began to pull me off the bed, and out the door.

           "Wait!  Aunt Kitty!" I cried as I tried to keep up with her quick pace.  We began to race down the stairs.

           "Come on." Was all she would say.  We walked through the family room, that is, she walked, and I was dragged.  My parents were sitting on the couch watching Family Feud.

           "Mom?" I asked as we passed by.  She smiled up at me and waved.  I finally relented and kept pace with my crazy, young aunt.  We settled into her car, and headed toward town.

           "What's going on, Aunt Kitty?  I thought we were going to eat dinner?"

           "We are.  Just you and me." I smiled, and she returned the smile.  My aunt was the kind of person that made every person she came in contact with feel special.  She had an easygoing personality, and was loads of fun.  She was only about ten or so years older than I was, what my mom called a "late in life baby" for my grandparents.  She had long, light brown hair, just a shade lighter than my mom's and mine.  Her dark gray eyes were kind, and usually smiling.

           "So where are we going?" I asked, my arm resting along the open window, the breeze flowing through the car blowing hair in both our faces.  She smiled at me again.

           "Somewhere."

           "Gee, thanks."

           "Anytime, kiddo."

           I began to notice that we had driven toward town, and then right past it.  Where were we going?  As if in answer to my unspoken question, my aunt turned onto a dirt road that led to what looked like nowhere.  I glanced over at her only to meet with a warm smile.

           "Almost there."  A small lake loomed up before us surrounded by trees and wild grass.  A small dock bobbed off shore.  It was beautiful.  The late afternoon sun shone overhead giving the water a glowing life all its own.  Aunt Kitty parked the car under the shade of a massive tree, and got out.  I followed suit.  She went around to the trunk and pulled out a large picnic basket.

           "Come on." she said, leading the way to an almost non-existent path that led through the dense foliage.

           "How do you know about this place, Aunt Kitty?" I asked, happily following.

           "Your grandfather used to take us here when me and your mom were kids.  I was pretty little, but I never forgot it." She smiled back over her shoulder at me.  Finally we emerged from the mini forest, and ended up right on the bank of the small lake. "I think this is a man-made lake that some crazy old man had put on his property in the twenties." Aunt Kitty said as she opened the basket and brought out a large red and white checkered tablecloth and spread it out on the wild grass.  I reached my hand toward the basket only for it to be slapped.  I looked at her with surprised eyes.  "No.  You sit and relax.  I do the work."

           I sat cross-legged and watched my aunt as she brought out a container full of hot Kentucky Friend Chicken mashed potatoes, and another of gravy.  She opened the box of chicken and waited expectantly for my approval.  I giggled and nodded.  She nodded in response, then took out the four, hot biscuits and little pads of butter.

           "And to wash it all down, our house wine." she produced two bottles of Dr. Pepper, handing one to me, which I immediately opened and took a long sip of to try and alleviate the hot day.  As we ate we talked about school, that would begin in just under two weeks.

           "So are you nervous?" she asked around a mouthful of biscuit.

           "No." I said a little too quickly.  She glared at me, just the hint of a smile at the corner of her lips. "Yes." I grinned.  "But I'm looking forward to it.  I've always wanted to go to high school.  I remember when Billy started.  I was so jealous." Aunt Kitty grinned.

           "Yeah, I know what you mean.  When your mom started I was only, jeez, how old was I?" she said as she stared off into the past. "Six, seven?  But I remember it clear as day." I chewed the chicken I had just bit off the bone, then turned serious.  Well, at least as serious as I could ever get around Aunt Kitty.

           "So, why are we here?"

           "Why, to eat of course."

           "No, no.  I mean why just you and me?" Aunt Kitty put her hand on her chest and looked stunned.

           "I am wounded, child.  Can I not enjoy a day with my favorite niece?"

           "I'm your only niece." I giggled.

           "Yeah, so all the more reason for me to spend time with you, yes?"

           "Yes.  But this isn't usual, Aunt Kitty.  You always just come over to our place." My aunt's face turned serious, which worried me.

           "Okay, kiddo.  Yes, there is a reason we're here," Aunt Kitty’s words were cut off as she began one of her coughing fits.  The year before she had been struck with a severe case of pneumonia, and had not been able to completely shake the cough.  I waited patiently, a shard of concern filling me.  She took a deep breath, and continued.  "Your mom is worried about you."

           "What!  Why?" I could feel myself beginning to get angry.

           "Now, now.  Calm down.  Don't have a brain explosion.  Emily, your folks love you very much, and they just want you to be happy.  Which, I got to tell ya is a pretty stupid thing for a parent to want.  I mean, a teenager happy?  Yeah.  And they think I'm crazy?  Paaleeze!" I smiled, feeling myself calming.  Sort of.  She smiled at me, and reached out to gently brush some hair out of my eyes. "They want what's best for you.  But, see, I am not here to tell you to do anything special with yourself.  No, no.  That's what your mom would want me to do.  Un uh.  That's not what you need.  What you need is for someone to listen.  Someone who can be objective.  So spit it out." Aunt Kitty leaned back on her elbows, her legs stretched out in front of her, crossed at the ankles, her eyes boring into my very soul.

           "Spit what out?  What do you want me to tell you?" I asked as I lazily made patterns on the tablecloth with my fingertips, not wanting to look at my aunt.  I was afraid that everything I was feeling would just tumble out of my mouth.  My aunt always had that affect on me.

           "Tell me what's going through that noggin of yours.  Even I've noticed that for about the last six months or so you have been acting a little on the strange side.  Your mom seems to think that your friend Beth has something to do with it." My head shot up at the mention of Beth.  This caught Aunt Kitty's attention, and she raised a brow. "Ah, Houston we have contact.  Okay.  So we talk about Beth."

           My mind raced as I thought about how much I should tell her.  She studied my face, her eyes filled with infinite patience.  I knew I had always been able to tell Aunt Kitty anything in the past, my secrets never passing through her lips.  But this.  This was something different.  I wanted to tell her all about me and Beth on New Year's, and all the fights we had been having since then.  How jealous I felt now.

           "Come on, Emmy.  Talk to me." I looked at my aunt again.  I could feel my throat constrict with unshed emotion that threatened to spill out and embarrass me, so I decided to talk before my tears could beat me to it.

           "See, me and Beth, we have a very special friendship.  Oh, Aunt Kitty." I cried.  I angrily ground my fists into my eyes like a five year old child, angry at the tears that leaked out.  Aunt Kitty smiled and gently rubbed my leg.

           "I thought so." she said quietly, almost too quiet for me to hear. "Tell me about it."

           An hour later I felt drained.  Everything I had told Aunt Kitty hung in the air between us as if it had a palpable existence of its own.  Aunt Kitty, who was now laying on her back, looked up at the gathering clouds.  It looked like it might rain.  She sighed.  I looked over at her from my own position on my back.  I was terrified to hear what she would say.  Through my entire tale she had remained completely silent, her full attention on every word I said.

           "Oh, Emmy." she finally breathed.  Her voice was full of sadness. "I had a friend like Beth once, too." My eyes opened wide in surprise.

           "Really?"

           "Yup." she nodded. "We were friends from the time we were in about seventh grade.  That's when we met.  We were friends until we were, oh, I'd say eighteen, nineteen, maybe."

           "What happened?" I asked, breathless.  Aunt Kitty smiled, but there was no humor in that smile.

           "I met Ron." she said simply.  I didn't understand.  She saw my confusion and smiled as she continued. "See, Karen, that was her name, Karen and I moved out of our parent's houses when we were seniors in high school,"

           "Why?" I asked, intrigued by the idea, and surprised that I had never heard about that.

           "Because we were young and stupid, that's why.  We thought we were old enough to handle the world, and anything it had to throw at us.  Boy were we wrong." She grinned at me. "Anyway, we found this rundown, cheap apartment, and moved in together.  We were roommates.  Karen wanted to be 'special' roommates, like when we were younger.  I went along with it for a little while, but then I met Ron."

           "Um, by 'special', do you mean like me and Beth at New Year's?" I asked, my voice timid.  She nodded.

           "Yes.  I loved Karen very much.  But I didn't want to live the rest of my life with her, like that.  She did."

           "Why?  Why didn't you want to spend the rest of your life with Karen, as her roommate?" I asked, somewhat confused.  If you loved somebody.....?

           "Because.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed my time with her." Aunt Kitty was quiet for a moment, a smile spread across her lips.  She blinked, and continued. "But I felt more comfortable with Ron.  I felt like my life belonged with him, not her.  Karen was a very strong person.  Those kind of people with strength like that fulfill the emptiness in their lives.  It's a special breed, Emmy.  It sounds like your friend, Beth has that same inner strength."

           "Like Karen."

           "Like Karen." Aunt Kitty agreed with a smile. "You should be glad that you've had this special bond with her.  I will warn you, Emily.  You two will eventually go your separate ways.  Maybe not today, or two years from now, but Beth will go out to find her own life, and her own fulfillment.  Don't try and stop her, and most importantly, Emmy, don't try and change her.  Okay?"

           "Okay, Aunt Kitty.  I promise."

           "Beth is who she is, just as you are who you are."

           I helped Aunt Kitty clean up our mess, and load it all back into her trunk.  I slammed the heavy door shut, and turned to Aunt Kitty.  She looked at me with raised brows, waiting for my question.

           "Have you seen Karen since you moved out, Aunt Kitty?"

           "The last time I saw her was a few years ago.  I ran into her at the mall.  She smiled and waved, and that was the end of it."

           "Oh." I walked around the car to the passenger door, my mind spinning.  I couldn't stand the thought of me and Beth just waving from a distance.  That could never happen to us.

           It began to rain as we headed home.

           We laughed wildly as we ran across the front yard from Aunt Kitty's car, trying to avoid the downpour.  We were drenched when we stumbled through the front door, our clothing stuck like paint to our bodies.  My mother took one look at us, and burst out in a fit of laughter.  I was annoyed by her laughter until I realized how red and swollen her eyes were.

           "Mom?  Are you okay?  Why were you crying?" I walked over to her, my shoes squishing with every step.

           "It's nothing, sweetie.  I'm just a little worried right now." she said as she gathered my wet body into a tight embrace.  Out of the corner of my eye I saw Aunt Kitty nod at her, my mother nodding in return, as if they had had a secret conversation  over my shoulder.  Slightly irritated at that, I pulled away from my mother.  She held me in place with her hands on my shoulders, and smiled down at me.  She gently brushed some strands of hair that were plastered to my forehead out of my eyes.

           "I love you so much, Emmy." she said, her voice full of pride.

           "I love you, too." I said slowly, not sure where this was leading.  She gave me a quick hug before pushing me in the direction of the stairs.

           "Go change clothes before you catch your death." She smacked me lightly on the rear end.  Aunt Kitty followed me up the stairs heading toward the bathroom.

           "Why was she crying, Aunt Kitty?" I asked quietly.  My aunt shook her head sadly.

           "When the steel mill went under last spring it hit this town hard.  Your dad is having a hard time at the dealership.  No one is interested in buying a new car right now when they can barely afford to keep their houses.  Your mom just gets real worried sometimes." I looked at her, my brow etched with worry.

           "Are we going to be okay?" Aunt Kitty smiled at me and ran a hand down my back.

           "Fine.  Your parents are fighters."

           As the summer marched on with its sizzling beat, I began to notice more and more FOR SALE signs dotting the front lawns of houses all through our neighborhood.  It was scary to watch the families I had grown up with disappear almost over night.  The CF&I steel mill had been work for thousands of men and women in town, and now they were having to go where the work was.  Many moved to the bigger cities of Colorado Springs or Denver, others leaving the state all together.  I wondered if we would be okay.

  PART 4

           I SAT UP IN bed, my back resting against the pillows that rested against the headboard.  I sighed as I looked through the depositions for the Holstead case.  John Dithers was to pick up the file in the morning.  With a sigh I took off my reading glasses, and rubbed my eyes, putting the manila folder on the small table next to the bed.  What a time for this to happen.  We were so close to winning this thing.

           "What do you think?" Rebecca said, a smile in her voice. I looked up, and a pang of pain slithered through my heart.  Rebecca stood before the foot of the bed in her over-sized T-shirt.  She had stuffed a pillow up its long length making a bulge at her middle.  She posed for me, showing me her profile.  I climbed out of the big bed, and walked over to her, hugging her from behind.  I placed my hands over her hands that rested on the pillow.

           "Soon, baby." I whispered in her ear. "Soon."

           "Oh, I know, babe.  I am just so impatient." she groaned. "I am almost thirty-five.  That clock is echoing in my head every day.  Gets old after awhile."

           "Good things come to those who wait." I kissed her neck, inhaling the sweet smell of her skin after her shower.  I could still smell the Irish Spring. "After all, you got me, right?" she smiled.

           "Oh, yes.  That took all the patience in the world.  I didn't think I had it in me.  Did you ever teach me a thing or two about myself."  I grinned.

           "See?  This should be a walk in the park then.  This at least shouldn't take three years." Rebecca brought one of my hands to her lips, and held the palm against her cheek for a moment.  With a shaky voice she said,

           "Go take your shower." I turned her around and removed the pillow from her shirt, held her to me.

           "It just takes time, baby." I whispered.  "It'll happen.  I promise you." She sniffled once, then she seemed to get her emotions under control again.

           "I don't know what gets into me.  God, I am so damn emotional lately!" she pulled away from me gently.

           "Tell me about it." I grinned.  She grinned back at me, and smacked me playfully on the arm. "At least you have an excuse with all those hormones they have you on." I kissed her quickly on the lips, then walked toward the bathroom.

           "Emily?"

           "Yeah, babe?" I asked at the bathroom door.

           "I love you."

           "I love you more."

           I stepped out of my sweat pants and T-shirt quickly, the chill of the cold night whispered against my skin, making Goosebumps erupt all over the cool surface.  I clamped my teeth together as I played with the knobs of the shower trying to get the water to the right temperature.  With a sigh I stepped under the hot spray, closing my eyes as the soothing water washed over me, loosening my tense muscles.  I ran my hands over my hair to smooth it back from my face, rivulets of water running down the sides of my face, and dripping off my nose and chin.  I opened my eyes as Beth appeared before my mind's eye.  With a sigh I let the memories come, and let my mind wonder back to that late summer afternoon.

           I paced the floor of my room, back and forth, back and forth.  Something told me that Beth would be coming home today, and soon.  What would I say to her?  I had no idea.  Even after the talk I had had with my aunt I still felt that nauseating monster of jealousy happily munching away at my brain.  I stopped pacing and looked into the full-length mirror that was anchored to the back of my bedroom door.  I smiled at my reflection, practicing on what would be the best smile to give Beth when she came over.  If she came over.  Would she?  I began to pace again before stopping to look at myself once more.

           "Hi, Beth." I grinned.  No.  You look like an idiot.  I wiped the grin from my lips and tried to look serious.  No.  What about pouty?  Maybe she'll want to know what's wrong?  I grinned again.  "Hi, Beth.  How was camp?  How did your acting go?  How is that little tramp, Casey?" Ugh!  I buried my face in my hands, peaking at myself through my fingers.  Then I froze as I heard a car outside.  I swallowed, hard.

           Hurrying around my bed I glanced out the window and saw Beth's mother's white Chevy make its way down the street when it slowed to make the turn into their driveway.  I took a deep breath as uncertainty gripped my insides.  Should I wait for her to come over?  No.  That could take awhile.  I sighed and looked at my reflection once again.  I pulled my hair from its perpetual ponytail and brushed out the long strands until the blonde, some sun-bleached platinum, strands shone.  I adjusted my denim overall shorts, and headed out to bravely face the storm of Beth's wrath.

           I walked across our lawn and watched as Beth's mother helped her daughter heave all of her heavy bags out of the trunk of the car.  Neither spoke a word, the operation silent and efficient.  Nora Sayers did a double take as she spied me, unexpected out of the corner of her eye and smiled.

           "Hi, there, Emily." she said, then headed toward the front door.  Beth looked at me, her large duffel bag slung over one shoulder, and a smaller canvas bag gripped in her hands.  I looked down and noticed a bracelet that dangled from her left wrist.  Silver.  Lots of little charms hanging from it.  A bitter chill ran down my spine.

           "Hey." she said with a wide smile.  She almost seemed hesitant.  Almost.

           "Hey."

           "I was hoping you'd be home.  I wasn't sure if you'd be off somewhere with Darla or something." She readjusted the bag on her shoulder.

           "Nope.  Not today." I smiled.  My hands began to fidget with my watch, turning it this way around my wrist only to turn it back the other way.

           "Cool.  I have so much to tell you." She looked over her shoulder at her house, and with a sigh turned back to me. "I think I should spend some time with her, though.  She'll be ticked if I don't.  Want to meet at the Bowl later?" her voice was hopeful.

           "Yeah, okay." I grinned, somewhat disappointed.  I didn't want to have to wait until later.  "After dinner?" I heard myself say, grimacing inwardly.  That would mean even longer!

           "Yeah.  Sounds good." She dropped the canvas bag and walked over to me gathering me into her one free arm, and holding me to her for just a brief moment before releasing me.  She turned away and grabbed the bag again before heading toward the front door that her mother had left open for her.

           My parents and I sat around the dinner table.  I stared at the empty chair across from me.  I missed my brother very much.  With a sigh I returned my attention back to my plate of spaghetti.  I twirled my fork in the long noodles trying to see how big I could get the ball of pasta around my fork before it all fell off.

           "Emmy." my mother said quietly.  I looked over at her. "Don't play with your food."

           "Sorry." I stuck the whole thing in my mouth so I could chew and not have to worry about thinking or talking as I tried to not choke on the massive bite.

           "Good god, Francis.  Didn't you teach our children any manners?" my father said, disgust in his voice.

           "Emily?" my mother asked, the slightest hint of a smile twitched at her lips.  I looked at her with wide eyes and shrugged my shoulders.  I glanced over at the wall clock to see that it was nearly seven.  Beth and I had a mutual agreement that after dinner generally meant eight.  By the time I finished the dishes it would be time to head out to the Bowl.

           I stood at the kitchen sink with a dishrag in my right hand, sauce-covered pan in my left.  I scrubbed absently as I stared out the window to the backyard.  I didn't really see the big Cottonwood tree, or the small shed tucked into the back left corner of the yard, nor the big trampoline whose black tarp dully reflected the light of the full moon.  I was thinking about how I was going to react to Beth tonight.  I had to meet her in fifteen minutes.  All the dishes were washed except for the pan that I was slowly working on.   After that I only had to wash off the dinner table, and take out the garbage.  No problem.  I would be there on time.

           I thought again about Beth's new friend, Casey.  I chastised myself as the realization came to me that I had absolutely no right to be jealous of this mystery girl.  Beth was allowed to have other friends, after all.  I had my own friends.  But I relied on Beth so much.  But at the same time I had a sinking suspicion that Beth and Casey had been more than just friends over the summer.  Had Beth done the same things to her as she had done to me?  Wasn't that just something that Beth and I had done?  Other girls don't do that, do they?  But then I remembered what Aunt Kitty had said about her and Karen.  Did all girls do that at one time or other?  Either way, we would work it out.  I hoped.

           With a swish of the dishtowel into the double sink, I left the kitchen and headed toward the living room where my parents were reading the newspaper and watching the evening news.

           "Did you read this article, Fran?" my father asked, his voice distracted as he continued to read an article that was accompanied by a picture of what appeared to be a parade of some kind.  Men and women were walking down a street with signs in their hands, and their mouths were open as if they were talking or yelling.

           "Which one?" my mother answered just as distracted as she focused on her own section of the Star Journal.  My father began to read:

           "Nearly four hundred marchers participated in Friday afternoon's rally in front of City Hall in Denver demanding equal rights to gays and lesbians.  The rally started off peaceful with mild chants, and rainbow-colored banners, however, things began to turn for the worse when anti-gay protesters began to throw rocks and glass bottles at the marchers.  Some gay members were rushed to a near-by hospital with head wounds, and severe cuts.  After twenty minutes, Denver police were able to bring  everything back under control, and the rally was disbanded.  No arrests were made.....'"

           My mother looked up as my father put the paper down and looked at her.

           "Those damn people." he muttered. "Why can't they just keep it to themselves?  No one cares about that... lifestyle.  Why can't they just be normal?"

           "Henry.  Be fair.  They didn't deserve that.  Someone could have really gotten hurt.  They weren't hurting anyone.  You just read that it was a peaceful march."

           "What is a gay and lesbian?" I asked as I stopped at the front door and turned to face them.  Both my parent's eyes turned to me, both looking as if I had just asked them if I could shoot them in the head.

           "They're a bunch of sickos, is what they are."

           "Henry." my mother was silent for a moment as she thought of how to best answer my question. "Well, honey, they are homosexuals."

           "What's a homosexual?"

           "Ah.  Oh boy. Well, a homosexual is someone who, ah, well, who loves the same sex.  Two men who love each other physically are called gay, and two women who love each other physically are called lesbians." I absorbed this information for a moment before I realized that I had heard both of those terms used before at school.  I had just never known what they had meant.  Then it hit me that I had heard both of those terms hollered at Beth.  I swallowed uneasily.

           "Oh.  Well I'm going."

           "Don't be out too late, Emmy." my mother said as she turned her attention back to her newspaper.

           I walked solemnly down the street as I replayed my mother's definition again and again in my mind.  Were we.....  No.  No way.  I did not love Beth in that way.  Was Beth?  No. I smiled to myself.  She wasn't one of 'those' people.  She just always felt more comfortable physically around girls, that's all.

           I walked up the dirt path that would wind its way to the Toilet Bowl.  Up ahead I could barely make out the white of a T-shirt.  The moon had hid behind some rolling clouds, and its suffocated light could not break through the dense branches of the trees that surrounded the pond.  As I neared I could see Beth sitting with her knees drawn up to her chest, her arms wrapped around her shins.  Her eyes stared into the water, but did not really focus on anything.  I could tell she was deep in thought as she drew her bottom lip into her mouth to lightly chew on it before releasing it once again.

           "Hey." I said quietly, not wanting to disturb the hush of the late August night.  She looked over her shoulder and smiled

           "Hi."  I plopped down next to her, and sat cross-legged, my arms resting on the sides of my thighs.  I looked at her and grinned.

           "You beat me here this time."

           "Yeah, I know.  I had to get out of there.  I've been here for about an hour I think."

           "Oh.  I would have been here a little sooner, but with Billy gone I am the only dishwasher." She grinned at me. I looked off into the trees for a moment before turning back to her. "So tell me about it.  How was camp?"  She smiled.

           "It was great.  I won a ton of awards and trophies.  You should see my dresser top.  It's loaded with them." Her eyes sparkled, filled with so much pride.

           "Oh, Beth." I breathed, truly happy for her. "I knew you would do really well there.  You are so talented.  If I only had this much of your talent," I held up my hand, placing my index finger about half an inch from my thumb.

           "Hey, don't be too hard on yourself, Em.  You have got some serious stuff upstairs.  I wish I was smart like you.  And beautiful." Her smile was disarming.  I grinned shyly.

           "Yeah, right.  All that won't get me a standing ovation, or awards and trophies like you get."

           "Maybe not, but it will sure get you far in life.  You will get far, Em.  I know it." Her bright blue eyes bore into mine.  They were filled with a mixture of seriousness, and sadness.  She continued with a grin.  "Just remember me when you're a big successful lawyer in some great city."

           "Always." I smiled. "As long as you remember me when you give your speech after you win your first Oscar." She grinned, lost in the thought.  We locked eyes for a moment as we connected.  I had never been linked to another human being as I was to Beth.  We were able to say so much with our eyes that our mouths would never say.  Right now I was seeing something flash through hers that told me she was in a great struggle over something.  She looked so lost that I felt I needed to touch her, comfort her.  I reached out and placed my hand on her right knee that was still being held securely to her body with her arms.  I knew she needed to talk, but was unsure if I wanted to hear about it.  So I'd have to take the plunge, and get her going.

           "Why did she have to leave camp?"  My words came out slowly, and quietly.  I could see the storm building in the expanse of ocean that were her eyes.  She tore her eyes from mine and looked down at her crossed ankles, silent for a moment.

           "Someone saw us." she said so quietly that I had to strain to hear.

           "Saw you?  Swimming?" I asked, confused.

           "No." she smiled at the memory. "No, they saw us on the shore.  We were, we were kissing." She glanced at me quickly to see my reaction.  With careful control I managed to keep my face expressionless.  Now that I got her going, I was not going to let my petty jealousies get in the way again.  When she saw that it was okay, she continued. "Casey was naked.  I only had my shirt off." Suddenly she buried her face in her hands and groaned. "Oh, Em," her voice was muffled. "It was so embarrassing." She looked at me again.

           "So, you and Casey were doing what we, well, you would kiss and stuff?"  A slow blush traveled up her neck and stained her cheeks crimson.

           "At first." She gave me a lop-sided grin and raised a brow.

           "At first?" I squeaked.  I cleared my throat.  I was silent as I waited for her to continue when it became painfully obvious that she wanted me to drag it out of her.  Did I really want to hear this?  Curiosity got the best of me. "So um, what else did you do?"

           "God, what didn't we do?" It was my turn to blush.  I swallowed reflexively and stared into the water for a moment before I could face her.  When she had my full attention again, Beth continued her story. "Casey would use her tongue, and she would start sucking, then with her fingers-"

           "Fingers?" I interrupted.  My brows drawn in confusion. "Why would she use her fingers to kiss your mouth?"  Beth grinned.

           "Who said anything about my mouth?"  I sucked in my breath as realization dawned on me.  With an audible gulp I shivered.  Beth grinned wildly at my reaction.  As my mind began to form a mental picture, I was startled to feel a wave of heat crash against my lower stomach like a tidal wave into the shore.  The wave spread south as Beth continued. "She would rub my breasts with her fingers, and the palms of her hands.  I had no idea that they were so sensitive!  And then when she'd use her mouth-"

           I shut out Beth's rambling as my mind began to reel.  My mother's voice echoed through my head, "Two men who love each other physically are called gay, and two women who love each other physically are called lesbians....."

           "....at first she started using just one finger, but then....."

           "Hey!  It's Beth the lesbian!  Hey, my dog's in heat, ya interested?" I heard the boy at school's voice ring through my ears....

           "Oh, Em.  It felt so good.  I couldn't walk for a...."

           "They're a bunch of sickos is what they are....."

           "....is coming here next week."

           "What?" I asked, my head snapping to look at Beth.  My thoughts and reverie were shattered in a million pieces. "What did you say?"

           "Jeez, girl.  Where did you go?" Beth grinned at me. "I said that Casey is coming here next week before we start school."

           "Oh." I felt my stomach drop around my knees.

           "I can't wait.  Everything happened so fast that we didn't even get to say good-bye.  I really want you to meet Casey.  She's great.  Can you do something with us?  Maybe we could all catch a movie or something." Beth looked at me, her eyes hopeful and alive.

           "I don't know.  Darla and I have plans next week." I regretted the lie as soon as it flew from my mouth, and I cringed when I saw the hurt spread across Beth's face.

           "Oh.  Em, it's only one day, an afternoon.  A couple of hours."

           "What, a couple of hours is all you want me around for?" I pouted.  I knew I was being childish, but could not help myself.  Whoever said jealousy kills the soul was a very wise person indeed.

           "Of course not!" Beth was getting mad, now. "But I figured with your busy schedule and all, a couple of hours was all you'd be able to spare!"

           "Well maybe it is!  Let me check my calendar!" I jumped to my feet.  Beth opened her mouth, then clamped it shut again.  She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before standing and looking me in the eye.

           "Em, this is stupid.  Why are we fighting?" I didn't have an answer for her, so she continued. "I just want you to meet her.  You are my best friend, and Casey is really important to me.  I just want you to like her."

           "What does it matter if I like her or not?  She's your friend." I said quietly.

           "It just does, Em." She searched my eyes, desperate for a safe place to hold onto. "Okay?"   With a tired sigh I relented.  I could see the fork in our road just up ahead, and it scared me.  Which way would we both go?

           It wasn't long before I met Beth's 'special' friend.  In the days preceding Casey's arrival, all I heard about were the hikes she and Beth had gone on, the day Casey had shown Beth how to sail.   How Casey was heading back to England after the summer to live with her grandmother and go to school at Oxford.  On and on until I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs!  The thing I think I hated the most was that Casey actually sounded interesting to me.  I just didn't want to admit it to myself, and couldn't to Beth.

           I wondered around my bedroom taking my time putting away laundry when I heard a car making its way down the street, and then Beth squeal in delight.

           "Oh, goodie." I mumbled to myself.  I walked over to my window so I could sneak a glimpse of Casey without the pressure of Beth's gaze on me, or her.  The large orange and white Ford pick-up pulled to the curb, and squeaked to a halt.  The driver fussed with something on the bench seat for a moment as Beth raced around to the driver's side door.  Even from this distance I could see that Beth was almost vibrating with excitement.  Finally the driver's door opened and out stepped Casey.  She was beautiful.  She was tall, nearly as tall as Beth, with long, golden blonde hair.  Her back was to me so I could not see her face.  Her body was very lithe and tan in her cut-off Jean shorts and baby-doll tank top.  Beth flew into her arms, and they hugged tightly for a long minute.  I couldn't tear my eyes away as I watched the two embrace.  Finally Casey pulled away.  Beth was smiling at her.

           "Did you find it okay?" she asked.

           "Yes, luv.  You gave me terrific directions." I was surprised to hear an accent even though Beth had told me about it.  "This is a lovely neighborhood.  Is your mum home?" Casey said as she walked arm in arm with Beth around the front of the truck.  As they reached the sidewalk I was able to see her face.  Her hair was pulled back from her face with barrettes on either side of her head.  She had finely sculpted features, her large brown eyes looked kind with delicately arched brows.  Her smile was a brilliant white against her summer-bronzed skin.

           "No.  She's at work, I think.  She's going out tonight, so we have the place to ourselves." Beth grinned at her company.  Casey said something too low for me to hear, but whatever it was, it made Beth smile wider with a blush.  I gritted my teeth as I fought the pang of jealousy down.  Casey turned and looked at my house, I quickly ducked out of the window.

           "Is that Emily's home?" she asked.  I raised a brow in surprise.

           "Yup."

           "How beautiful 'tis.  I can't wait to meet her!"

           Was this a joke?  She wanted to meet me?  I snorted at the prospect.  Yeah, right.  Probably just wants to rub it in my face that she has basically taken my place in Beth's life.  I walked back over to my bed and finished folding my laundry.  They could wait.  I certainly was in absolutely no hurry to meet Casey whatever her name was.

           I stepped out of the shower and walked over to the mirror above the sink, wiping the towel across its smooth surface to get rid of some of the steam.  I squeezed the ends of my hair with the towel to try and get as much water out of it as I could.  Grabbing the brush off the counter, I began to run it through the long, water darkened strands, combing out the tangles.  I stared into my face, amazed at how much a person changes.  Looking at all the pictures of myself when I was younger was quite humbling.  I still looked very young for my age, and most thought I was still in my early twenties.  But all the same, I could see the changes.  Especially in my eyes.  Growing up, and in my college days, people used to say that my eyes held a constant question, and wonder for life, as if I was seeing things for the first time.  My immaturity used to get annoyed at that.  But then as I looked into my eyes as an adult, I could see how hardened they'd become.  No longer was the wonder and curiosity present.  No.  All that had been replaced by suspicion and an innate understanding of human nature with my chosen career.  I had seen the best of man and the worst.  It's funny how a person can change.

           I opened the bathroom door, and was surprised to see Rebecca had already gone to sleep.  She laid on her side, her back to me.  I smiled down at her, long, red hair spilling over to my pillow.  I loved the clean smell, and silky feel of it.  I sat on the edge of the bed and watched as she breathed, her body moving slightly with each breath.

           I thought back to when we met.  I had been out of law school for two years, and was working for some small-time lawyer in Queens, trying to get on with James/Parks/Stone.  Back then being a lawyer meant only money, success and fame to me.  The thought of settling down, and becoming domestic was an alien thought.  A past filled with betrayal and bad decisions poisoning any thoughts in that area.  But when I ran into Rebecca, literally, at a Laundromat three miles away from my tiny, one bedroom apartment, my life and thoughts on the subject changed.

           I reached out my hand, and placed it on her hip as I scooted under the blanket, and laid behind her, my body pressed to hers.  She moaned softly in her sleep, covering my hand that had slid to her stomach, with her own, entwining our fingers.

           "You okay, baby?" she asked groggily.  I raised my head, and placed my chin on her shoulder.  She squeezed my hand, letting me know she was awake to talk if I needed to.  I thought for a moment.  Then with a sigh, I said,

           "I'm nervous about going back."

           "Why?" I sighed again, staring out the dark window across from the bed.  Why?  What a good question.

           "Well, I guess because I haven't been back for so long, and I still have so much to sort out.  I can't get Beth out of my head.  She haunts me."

           Rebecca turned to her back, and stared up at me as I rested my elbow against the bed, my head in my hand.  "Why, Emily?  You really loved her, didn't you?"

           "Does that bother you?" I asked, laying my other hand on her side.

           "Maybe a little.  I don't know.  I guess it's just because I don't really understand what happened with you two."

           I chuckled ruefully. "In truth, neither do I."

           She covered my hand with her own, tracing the veins in my hand with her fingertips. "Tell me more about Casey.  It seems that she had a lot to do with things." I nodded slowly.

           "She did."

           The late August heat was taking its toll on the city as people tried to spend less and less time outside.  The newspaper the day before had mentioned the rise in deaths among the elderly as many were succumbing to heat stroke, and the weatherman saw no relief in sight.

           I sat on our front porch, the sun-heated cement burning through the material of my shorts, and burning my butt.  I squirmed, but did not move.  I was nervous, and knew if I stood, I would only start to pace, and that was not how I wanted Casey's first time of meeting me to go.  So I endured the hot seat, and stared out to the street.  A group of boys were riding their Huffy dirt bikes around in the street, playing cards clothes pinned to the spokes in the wheels to sound like motorcycles as they pedaled up and down the neighborhood.

           I glanced at the Nivens' place as Monica Nivens' pulled noisily into the drive.  It sounded like her blue Bug was about to die.  My mother told me that she only had a year of law school to go, then she'd be a full-fledged lawyer.  Well, if she passed the bar, anyway.

           Monica pulled a green duffel out of the back seat, and then glanced over at me.  I smiled and waved, then began to fidget as she walked across the street, careful to stay out of the way of the boy's riding, and stopped at the edge of our lawn.

           "Hi." she said with a smile.  I could only smile back.  I had been watching this woman in awe for the last three years.  She was my real life hero, and here she was talking to me.  Then I noticed that she had cut her hair.  Short.

           "You cut your hair." I blurted, then wanted to slap myself or find a deep hole.  I must have sounded so stupid.  She chuckled.

           "Yup.  Sure did." she nodded, running a hand through the short, black strands. "A lot cooler, tell you that.  My mom says you want to be a lawyer."

           "Yes.  More than anything." I smiled, feeling pride puff out my chest.  She smiled back and nodded again.

           "Good.  Good luck to you."

           "Thanks.  You, too." she smiled one last time, and turned to head back across the street.  I watched her as she walked up her drive, and disappeared into the house.  Wow.  I felt ten feet tall.  Someone noticed my dreams.  I was so excited that I barely noticed when Beth walked across the lawn.

           "You look happy." she chuckled, following my gaze across the street only to see the Nivens house.  She looked back at me with questioning eyes.

           "She only has a year left of law school." I explained, but Beth only shrugged, still not getting my excitement.  I shook my head to dismiss it, then stood. "So, where's Casey?" I asked, keeping my voice as even as I could.

           "She's coming.  I wanted a few minutes of you to myself." Beth smiled, that lop-sided grin that she only gave to me.  I smiled back. "I really missed you this summer, Em."

           "I've missed you, too, Beth." I said quietly, my heart soaring.

           "Look, I really want to thank you for doing this for me today.  Your opinion means so much to me, Em, and I just want you to meet Casey, and tell me what you think, okay?" Beth asked simply, though her eyes pleaded with me to understand.  I smiled, and took her hand.

           "Okay." she smiled, ear to ear, and squeezed my fingers. "You know, I saw you two through my window, and she is beautiful, Beth." her face lit up, and she nodded.

           "Yeah, she is, isn't she?'

           As if on cue, out of the corner of my eye I saw Casey walking across Beth's lawn, and walking toward us, a wide, genuine smile across her face.  Beth saw me looking, and dropped my hand and turned to watch the blonde walk up to my front porch.

           "Hello." Casey said, her voice light, and very feminine.  Beth colored slightly as Casey smiled at her.  I swallowed the bitterness in my throat.  No, I promised Beth I'd be nice, and do my best.  I  could completely understand how she was so taken with this girl.  Casey turned to me and extended a long, petite hand.  I glanced down at it, then took it. "Emily, it is so lovely to meet you.  I have heard so very much about you this summer."

           "Likewise." I said through my plastered smile.  Her handshake was firm, but not painful, her confidence obvious in her every move.  I was amazed at how someone could be so confident in their beauty and grace, yet not for an instant come off as arrogant, or boastful as Darla often was.  This was true security in one's self.  I had to admit, I was impressed.

           "So!" Casey clapped her hands together, and looked from one to the other of us. "What's on the agenda for today?  I can't wait to see your city, and learn more about you, Emily.  My grandmum's name is Emily, you know?  It's an old family name." Beth began to lead us all toward the orange and white truck as Casey stayed in step with me, commenting on my house, our flowers, and even the weather.  At the curb, Beth opened the passenger side door for me.  I glanced at her questioningly.  She raised her brows, and nodded toward the cab.  Okay.  So I was to be stuck between the two love birds.  That should prove interesting.  I climbed into the high truck, and belted myself in.  Casey smiled at me as she did the same, slamming the driver's side door shut as she turned the ignition.  I glanced over to see Beth sitting happily by the door, her arm hanging out of the open window.

           "I thought maybe we could hit the State Fair." she said, looking down at me. "Don't you think, Em?"

           "Uh, yeah.  It's the last weekend and all."

           "Sounds like gobs of fun!" Beth told Casey which way to go, and the blonde skillfully steered the large truck onto the street, and we were off.  Beth was good, and kept the conversation away from anything that would be beyond me, and stayed to safer subjects like school, and Colorado, and we both asked Casey questions about England.

           It did not take us long to reach the fair grounds.  Beth directed Casey to park in the church parking lot across the street, and we walked to the main gate.  The three of us stood in line, and I glanced around to see if I saw anyone I knew.  Part of me hoped I wouldn't.  I did not want to explain who Casey was.  People said enough about Beth as it was.

           "So, Emily," my head snapped to see Casey smiling down at me.  I hated being short sometimes.  I never felt intimidated by Beth's height, but this girl intimidated the hell out of me! "Beth tells me you want to be a lawyer." I glared over at Beth for just a second before turning my attention back to her friend.  I smiled and nodded. "Oh, was Beth not to tell me that?" she asked, a worried look crossing her features as she once again looked from me to Beth.  Beth shrugged her shoulders, and narrowed her eyes at me.

           "No.  Not at all.  That's fine." I said finally.  Things had started to get uncomfortable, and the blonde had done nothing wrong. "Yes.  I do.  More than anything." Casey turned back to me, with a lovely smile.  Lovely?  I never use that word!  Ugh.

           "That is so wonderful, luv.  I am going to be attending Oxford Medical, but for a long time I was torn between the two; Oxford Medical, or Oxford Law.  Medical won out, though, I'm afraid." she said with a shrug.  We moved forward as the line moved, and Beth paid for all of our tickets, much to my disdain, but she insisted.

           Casey looked around the grounds seemingly utterly pleased.

           "This is all so charming." she gushed. "How wonderful to have this in your hometown every year."  Without discussion Beth and I automatically headed for the concourse to get our ride arm bands.  Casey followed our lead, and let the man snap her neon pink band on, and smiled at us both.  "What shall we ride first, girls?" she asked, staring at all the rides that surrounded us.

           "I wanna do the Zipper!" Beth exclaimed.  I glanced over at the ride, the small covered cars that held people flopping every which way, and shook my head.

           "Un uh.  No way.  You know I won't go upside down, Beth." I said, glaring.  She grinned at me.

           "Still a chicken, Em?" she asked with a raised brow.

           "Absolutely." I stated.  Casey chuckled.

           "I'm afraid I'm with Emily on this one, luv." she said, placing her hand on Beth's shoulder.  Beth looked disappointed.

           "Okay, okay.  We can skip it."

           "Absolutely not!" Casey said, walking off toward the ride.  Beth looked over at me, and I shrugged.  What was she doing!?  No way was I getting on that thing.  I had managed to avoid it for the past fifteen years, and had lived quite a fine life.  "Go on then, Beth.  We'll wait for you." Beth looked at the long line, and shook her head.

           "Nah.  I'll do it later.  The line's really long, and-"

           "Go." Casey said, her eyes narrowed, one long arm pointing.  Without another word, Beth headed toward the line of people.  I stared at the blonde in amazement.  I had never seen anyone get Beth to do anything once she'd set her mind to it.  Even I had a tough time.

           "How'd you do that?" I asked, incredulous.

           "What?" Casey asked, leading us toward a near-by bench.  We sat.

           "Beth is one of the most stubborn people I have ever known in my entire life." I said, glancing over at my friend, then back to the blonde who was grinning.

           "She is, isn't she?" we both laughed. "Yes, well, t'isn't very easy, but I am quite persistent, and much more stubborn than she is." she turned to me and winked.  I grinned back.

           "So, what made you decide to go into medicine instead of law?"

           Casey turned to me, and we began the most intense, interesting discussion about law, and the good and bad of it in the United States.  She was incredibly insightful, and even explained some of the practices of Europe.  I watched her as she talked, watched how she moved, and suddenly it dawned on me.  She and I were a lot alike.  We thought much the same way, and saw things much the same way, especially where law and politics were concerned.  I could have easily imagined her in a court room, standing before the members making her summation, and convincing all present of her case.  She had charisma, intelligence, and the innocent face of an angel.

           As I watched her talk, I realized that though she'd decided on medicine, she'd be just as good at that.  Her likeability was immense, as well as her obvious compassion and kindness.  She told me of her mother's dying from MS, and how she had stayed by her bedside, working with the doctors and nurses, learning their trade, and the thought of being able to help someone live, be the force behind their survival, or help their death's be as painless as possible, had been her determining factor.  I saw what Beth saw, and I understood.  My anger and jealousy with Beth dissipated with each word Casey spoke, and each touch of my arm or knee as she explained something, or to emphasize a point.  She was an incredible human being, and I felt honored to have been able to meet and talk to her.  I felt at peace.

           Until I caught them by the bathrooms.

           I watched as Rebecca slept, her feature still and peaceful.  Her breathing was even and regular, so I laid down next to her on my back, my arms over my head.  Instinctively she cuddled up next to me, her head resting upon my breast, arm across my stomach.  I reached down and absently ran my fingertips over the smooth skin of her forearm as I stared up at the dark ceiling.

           After a long afternoon of going horse from screaming on rides like the Arctic Express, the Sea Dragon, and Bumper Cars, we all decided to get some lunch.  Baskets of cheeseburgers and fries in hand, we found a spot of grass under the shade of some tall trees.  We laughed and joked, occasionally throwing a fry or two, mostly Casey and I ganging up on Beth.  She never got mad; she just got even.

           "You wouldn't.  No, Beth, please, no!" I cried out as the cold water from Beth's cup spilled over my head, and ran down my face and neck.  The chunks of ice settled nicely in my bra and in my lap.  Beth tossed the cup into a near-by trash can with a triumphant smile as she plopped down on the grass again.  I glared at her from under sopping bangs. "I cannot believe you did that.  You are evil, Beth.  Do you know that?"

           "Yup." she grinned, leaning back on her hands.  Casey glanced from one to the other with a bewildered smile on her face.

           "I can't believe you just did that to your best friend, luv." she breathed, taking in my wet T-shirt, and shorts.

           "I warned her not to throw that fry."

           "Well yes, but," one look at Beth told Casey all she needed to know.  "Well, perhaps I should watch myself then." Beth winked at her.

           We managed to find a bathroom near the Bud tent, and I hurried in to try and dry as much of myself as I could.  The day was hot, and the water had actually felt good, but wearing a wet, white shirt was not high on my list of top priorities in life.  I smiled and shook my head as I stared at myself in the mirror.  I had no comb with me, and did I ever need one.  I ran my fingers through the tangled strands as best I could before pulling it all back into a tail.  With one final glance, I walked out of the bathroom into the late afternoon heat again.  Beth and Casey were not where they had been when I'd gone in.  Drawing my brows, I looked around when I heard a low giggle coming from behind the building that backed up to a dark alley made up of trailers from big rigs and tents.  I followed the noise, and stopped cold.  Beth was pushed up against the side of a green trailer, Casey pressed against her, their hands roaming as they kissed passionately.  I could only stare, not sure what to think.  My eyes darted down to Beth's hand as she reached down and cupped one side of the blonde's butt, pulling their bodies closer together.  Casey moaned softly.

           I wanted to leave, to just walk away and pretend I had seen nothing, but I could not move.  Beth had told me about the nature of her relationship with Casey, but deep down I had not believed it, had tried to see Casey as just a friend of Beth's, and no more.  But then it was before my eyes in living color.  No pretending on that one.  Beth and Casey were lovers.  Then that meant that Beth was, that Beth was....

           I turned and walked out of that darkened alley, and headed back toward the crowds that bustled about, wanting to be with them, be where I understood, and felt comfortable.  I stood just at the edge of the main-beaten path, my arms crossed over my chest as I tried to catch my breath.  I felt a hand gently lay on my shoulder, but did not turn toward the owner.

           "Em.  Em, please look at me." I couldn't.  I shook my head, and looked down at my sandals.  "Em, please." Beth's voice was soft, and somewhat shaky. "I'm sorry.  You weren't meant to see that."  I swallowed back my shock.

           "It's okay, Beth." I whispered. "Not a big deal."

           I could feel her eyes on me as she studied me, weighing my words against what she knew of me.  Finally she spoke, lightly squeezing my shoulder.

           "I guess we kinda need to talk when we get home, huh."

           "If you want to, Beth.  We don't need to.  I understand."

           "Do you?"

           I finally glanced up at her, saw the tortured look in those blue eyes.  I smiled a bit.  Did I?  No.  Not really.

           "I don't know.  I think I'm a little confused right now." she nodded.

           "Fair enough."

           BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPSMACK!

           I sat up with a groan.  I hated that damn alarm clock.  With red, heavy eyes I looked around our dark room.  Isn't the sun supposed to be up by, I glanced at the clock, four in the morning?  Oh, god.  I plopped back into the pillows.

           "What time is it?" Rebecca mumbled as she cuddled up against me, her warm breath tickling my neck.

           "Early.  Entirely too early." I answered, running my fingers through her hair.

           "I thought so." she muttered.  She hugged my side tighter as I continued to stroke her hair, which could nearly hypnotize her.  She sighed contentedly. "You know you're going to give me a fro if you keep doing that." she mumbled nearly unintelligible into my neck.  I chuckled, and kissed the top of her head.  "We're supposed to get up about now, aren't we?"

           "Yup." I breathed with a sigh.  She groaned again, but pushed herself up so that she lay over me, her weight supported by her arms.

           "How are you this morning, baby?" she asked, brushing a few stray strands away from my face.  I rubbed small circles into her back.

           "I'm okay.  Didn't sleep much last night."

           "Sweetie." she whispered, leaning down to gently kiss me.  I hugged her to me, needing to feel her warmth and strength.

           I had tried to lighten up the mood of the day as best I could, but by time we reached Beth's house, the day was lost.  Both Beth and Casey were uncharacteristically quiet.  They did not touch each other, or really look at each other.  I may have been totally confused about how I felt, but I did not want them to have to feel they had to walk on egg shells around me.  It was my problem to figure out, and I could be adult enough to do it.

           Casey cut the engine of the truck, and we all sat in the truck for a few moments, no one saying a word.  I held my breath, not sure what would happen next.  Finally Beth broke the silence.

           "Em, come with me." she opened her door, and helped me get out of the massive cab, then lead me down the street.  I knew where we were going, and walked along side her, both basking in the early evening breeze that had started to ease the heat of the day.

           "I had fun today, Beth." I said as we turned onto the path that would lead us to the Bowl.  She turned to me with a partial smile and nodded.

           "Me, too."

           We went to our regular spot, and both plopped down onto the rock lip of the creek.  I stayed quiet as I could almost hear the thoughts whirling around Beth's mind.  She just needed a moment to collect them and find a good place to start.

           "You know, lately I've been thinking a lot about things.  How different we are from when we were kids." she turned to me with that crooked grin I loved so much. "Remember when we were like eleven or twelve, and we went camping with Billy?"

           "Yeah." I smiled. "We had fun."

           "Yes we did." Beth picked a handful of rocks, and one by one began to toss them into the still water, causing ripples to spread out, and eventually disappear. "Remember when I asked you if we'd still be friends when we got older?" I nodded, watching the light bounce over the tiny waves.

           "I said we'd be friends forever." I mumbled absently.

           "Do you still believe that?"

           I looked over at her for a short minute, just taking in how she looked at that moment; the dying rays of the sun had somehow managed to come down from the Heavens and capture all that was Beth.  It's brilliant light brought out the red highlights in her dark hair, the breeze picking up strands, holding them out to create a halo of gold around her face.  She was beautiful.  I stared into her eyes, and nodded with a smile.  She smiled back.

           "I hope so." she turned back to the water and continued to throw her rocks. "You know, you really weren't supposed to see that today.  I'm sorry.  Things just kind of got out of hand." I chuckled quietly.

           "It happens, I guess." I couldn't help but think back to that night during New Year's.  Apparently she had not forgotten about it, either.

           "I think we already found that out, though, didn't we?" I turned and met her gaze, and nodded.  We both smiled; a secret smile that only we knew the answer to.

           "So, you're really into girls, huh?" she nodded without hesitation.

           "Completely." she turned and stared over the tree tops as the sun disappeared altogether. "I think I always knew, just didn't know the words to say, you know?" she turned back to me.

           "I think I always knew, too."

           We hurried around the house to make sure that we had everything, and that Simon had enough food and water to last for a few days, and hurried out to the garage to load up the Pathfinder.

           The early morning air was bone chillingly cold as Rebecca pulled out of our neighborhood, and got us heading out to La Guardia Airport.  I sipped from my travel mug of coffee as I stared out the side window, watching the dark shops pass until we hit the freeway, and then saw nothing but cement bridges, and street lights along with the small flow of traffic that ebbed around us.  In another hour or so these streets would be packed with people commuting to work.  Even on a Saturday.  I listened as my lover talked about her Biology II class, and a student she had that she suspected was a lesbian, and struggling with it.

           "It's hard being young." I said.  Isn't that the truth.

           Three days before Beth and I were to start high school, Casey left to fly home.  Early in the afternoon before she left, she came to my house, and asked me to walk with her.  I gladly accepted.

           We strolled down our street, and turned toward the neighborhood park, all the while she asked me different questions about certain houses that caught her eye, or asked who the family walking on the sidewalk on the opposite side of the street was.  Finally we hit the park, and headed toward the swings.

           "I'm so glad I came here." she said quietly, watching some birds play in a near-by tree.

           "Me, too." I said with a smile, which she returned.

           "Beth spoke so highly of you, I couldn't wait to meet you.  You don't know how deeply she loves and values you, Emily.  It's quite extraordinary the friendship the two of you share at such a young age."  She was quiet for a moment, then spoke again, her voice low, serious. "Emily, I fear Beth will go through a great struggle in the next few years.  I once knew a girl like her in high school.  Wanda, was her name.  Sure on the outside, but not so sure on the inside." she looked at me to make sure I was paying attention.  I hung on her every word. "Wanda killed herself during our junior year.  I suppose why I'm telling you this is because Beth is young.  She found who she really is at a young age, and will be very alone for awhile.  She is strong, but Emily, please don't give up on her.  Stay by her side, and support her."

           "I always have." I said quietly.  She smiled, and gently tapped my chin with a finger.

           "I know.  You and your family have helped her through so much.  Lord knows that mother of hers is a complete hag." she hopped off the swing, and reached for my hand.  We walked around the park for a bit, hand in hand.  "Can I write to you sometimes?" I looked up at her and smiled.

           "Yeah.  I'd like that."

           "Great.  Me, too." she stopped us, and leaned down to plant a small kiss on my cheek. "It was a pleasure to meet you, Emily.  Do take care of yourself."

           "I will.  You, too, okay?"

           "Did you ever hear from her again?" Rebecca asked, as we waited at a stop light.  I glanced over at her, and nodded.

           "Yeah.  She wrote off and on for about two years, then not a word.  Never knew what happened to her, or where she ended up."

           We sat at our gate, our two carry-on bags at our feet.  Rebecca worked on some papers that she had to grade, and didn’t want to have to worry about over the weekend, and I stared out the huge windows into the early morning that was still dark.  I stared at my reflection in the window, my image hazy and double edged.

           With a sigh I glanced down at the book I had brought, but sighed again as I could not concentrate on the words or the story, having read the page I was on three times already.  I stared out the window again.

           My eyes opened, and I blinked several times as the bright, early morning light streamed in through my curtains, and into my eyes.

           "Ugh." I muttered, as I glanced over at the clock across the room.  It was almost seven.  Time to get up.  The first day of high school.  As the thought entered my mind, I felt a wave of excitement and nerves fill me.  With strong resolve, I slid my legs over the side of the bed, and planted my feet on the floor, then tried to remember what it had been that had woken me up in the first place.  With drawn brows, I walked over to the window, and looked down to find my aunt’s car in the drive.  What on earth was she doing here so early?  Shouldn't she be at work?  With a shrug, I let the curtains fall back into place, and headed for the closet.

           As a Freshman, I had to make a statement on the first day; let those upper classmen know who they were dealing with.  I frowned as I pondered this.  Just who were they dealing with?  Emily Thomas, Freshman extraordinaire.  But then, why should they care about that?  Darla’s words bounced around in my head, then I realized that Darla was full of shit.  Beth was right.  I just wanted to be me.

           I picked out a pair of comfortable blue jeans, and a plain, white sleeveless top.  Not too flashy, not too boring.  In all honesty, I did not want to stick out.  Well, not yet, anyway.  Let a girl get used to her surroundings, first.

           Feeling pretty good with my long, blonde hair pulled back into a tight tail, my backpack hanging from one shoulder, I made my way down the stairs, and into the kitchen where my mom and Kitty sat at the table and talked quietly over coffee.  The conversation seemed serious as their heads were nearly pushed together, nose to nose.

           I stood in the doorway and watched them for a second, waiting for one of them to spot me, and tell me whether I could go in or not.  I did not want to interrupt one of their infamous, top-secret talks.  No one bothered, so I had to resort to my own methods.

           I cleared my throat softly, to no avail.  It must be serious.  I cleared it again, a bit louder.  Still no go.

           "Ahem!" My mother looked up first, Aunt Kitty looking away as she wiped one of her eyes with a napkin, then looked up at me.  I smiled as sweetly as I could. "Uh, sorry to bother you.  You looked so intent on your conversation and all,"

           "Oh, honey.  I’m sorry." My mother said, reaching for me.  I drew my brows in confusion, but went to her to find myself being engulfed in a monster, one-armed hug. "Is everything okay?" I asked, pulling away, and looking down at them both.  Kitty smiled, but I could tell she’d been crying.  Her normally bright green eyes were dull and bloodshot.

           "Yeah.  Everything’s fine." My mother said brightly.  "Want some breakfast, baby?"

           "Nah." I muttered, heading over to the fridge for my lunch that I had packed the night before.

           "Are you sure, honey?  You have to eat something, Emmy.  Some toast?" I shook my head. "An egg?" again, shook my head. "A bagel?"

           "I’m fine.  I’ll take something with me." In truth my stomach was in knots, and I was in no way shape or form hungry.  I just wanted to get the day over with , and get home in one piece.  I poured myself a small glass of orange juice, and sipped it as I leaned against the counter and stared at them as they stared back.

           "I can’t believe my baby’s all grown up and in high school now." My mother said, her eyes beginning to fill.  She grabbed a napkin and dabbed at the corner of her eye.

           "I know.  I remember when Billy started." Aunt Kitty said, sipping from her coffee.  She took a deep breath, then stood. "I better get going, Frankie." She said to my mother.  She was the only person on the planet who could get away with calling Francis Thomas Frankie, and living to tell the tale.  She leaned down and gave my mom a hug, then turned to me. "Want a ride, kiddo?"  A wide grin spread across my face.

           "Yeah!" arriving on my first day in a car as opposed to a bus?  Hell, yeah. "Can Beth come, too?"

           "Course." She turned back to my mom. "I’ll call you later and let you know what I found out, okay?"

           "Okay.  Talk to you later, honey."

           Aunt Kitty turned back to me with one of her winning smiles, and lead the way to the front door.

           I was happy to see that Rebecca and I had the three seats to ourselves.  I hated being squished  between Rebecca and some stranger.  My lover always wanted the window seat, and that was fine with me as I usually slept on the plane, anyway.

           We got ourselves as comfortable as one could get in a big metal flying tube, and I settled in for a good nap.  I listened with closed eyes as the pilots prepped the plane for take off, and the folks around us got settled into their seats, the overhead compartments closing with a quiet click.  I took a deep breath as the realization of where we were headed stole over me once again.  I thought about Nora Sayers.  Was she still even alive?  I had not talked to her, nor heard anything about her in at least a dozen years.  If she was still there, I wondered if we’d see her at the funeral.  Was Jim Sayers going to travel across the country to be there?  He hadn’t when Beth had been a child, so I could not imagine what would make him change.  This was not going to be easy.

           Aunt Kitty’s car drove up to the front of our high school, and I peered out at it.  It was a large red brick building, at least four stories high.  It was an old school, one of the oldest in the city.  Large, dark windows stared back at me.  For just a moment I imagined I saw faces in those windows, staring at me, sizing me up.  It was a silly thought, I realized, but I was scared.  With a  deep breath, I opened the car door.  Aunt Kitty stopped me with a hand on my arm.  I turned to look at her.

           "Hey, you’ll do fine, kiddo.  You need anything, you don’t be afraid to call, okay?" I nodded, and with an air of confidence that I absolutely did not feel, I climbed out of the car followed by my best friend.

           Beth and I walked toward the large building, my aunt’s car disappearing from sight as we passed through the throng of other kids.  Groups, couples, singles, any possible combination.  I was so glad to have Beth at my side.  Part of me wanted to grab her hand.  I glanced over at her to see her looking around, gauging people as she went.  I was impressed.  She actually looked how I wanted to feel.  She always looked how I wanted to feel.

           "Are you nervous, Em?" she asked out of the side of her mouth.

           "Yup." I muttered back. "You?"

           "Hell yeah." She said, smiling at some girl who walked by.  I narrowed my eyes and looked up at her.  Her eyes were looking around, her body calm and relaxed.   She looked like she didn’t have a care in the world.

           "You’re kidding me, right?" I asked, stopping us just outside of the front double doors.  She shook her head.

           "No.  I’m not.  I want to get the hell out of here." I grinned, and lightly punched her in the shoulder, then moved us on.

           High school is thought as this big, bad monster to anyone who has not been there.  As an elementary student, the average high school student appears to be like some sort of anomaly, as there were only children, and then there were adults.  No way was there anything between these sacred positions.

           As a student of middle school, the high school student becomes a god or goddess, because they have done the ultimate.  They have left childhood, yet are not the enemy as the adult is.  They are something to emulate, and want to be.

           Now that I was the high school student, I realized just how screwed up my way of thinking had been.  Being a teenager was not all that it had been cracked up to be.  In other words, being a teen was hard!

  PART 5

           MY FRESHMAN YEAR was a month old when I got some bad news.

           Saturday’s in my house were pretty much all the same.  I would awake to loud music blaring from the stereo in the living room, generally George Strait trying to persuade some naive young woman that he loved her.  Didn’t matter the selection, because no matter what it was, my mother would help the singer along by adding her own high-pitched, off-key vocals.

           In theory this practice was simply because my mother liked her music, and liked it loud.  At seven-thirty in the morning?  Right.  In realistic terms, this early morning concert was to get me and Billy’s butts out of bed to keep her company, or help with the house work.  At that point my brother was gone, so only I was privy to the serenade.  After awhile I got real good at tuning it out.  But one Saturday in October, I awoke from the silence.

           I raised my head, and looked around my room, focusing on the pile of clothes laying on the floor, then rubbed the sleep out of my eyes.  I pulled on a pair of sweats, as the cold October morning met my bare legs, and slipped into my slippers, and headed out of my room.  I stood at the top of the stairs, listening.  I held my breath so I could hear better; nothing.  If I didn’t know better, I would have thought no one was home.  Running a hand through wild blonde locks, I slowly descended the stairs until I hit the main floor.  The living room was just as it had been the night before, the only indication that anyone had been up this morning was the newspaper that sat, still rolled, in the recliner by the door.  I looked over to my right and looked into the kitchen.  I could just barely see my mother’s socked feet from around the corner.  I drew my brows and headed in that direction.

           "Mom?" I asked as I stood in the kitchen doorway.  She sat at the table, one hand on her forehead, the other fingering the tea bag on the saucer next to her coffee cup.  She glanced at me with her eyes at the sound of my voice.  With a small smile, she beckoned me to her.

           "Come here, honey." She said, her voice nasal and thick.  She’d been crying.

           "What’s wrong?" I asked, as I took a tentative step toward her before heading straight into her outstretched arm.  She pulled me to her, her head against my stomach as she wrapped her arms around my waist.  I placed my hands on her shoulders, and stared down at her, my heart beating wildly in my chest as fear gripped me. "Is dad okay?" I asked.  She nodded, but said nothing. "Billy?  Is he hurt, did he-"

           "No, honey.  It’s not your brother.  He’s fine.  Dad’s fine." She sighed, and pushed me gently away, nodding toward the chair next to hers.  I sat and waited expectantly.  She took a deep breath, and began to speak.

           "Your aunt started noticing some problems about six months ago, and let it go.  She never went to a doctor until about a month ago.  Have you noticed how much weight Kitty has lost?"

           "Yeah.  I thought she was on another of her crazy diets. " I grinned.  My mother chuckled softly.

           "She has been on some wild ones, hasn’t she?  Remember the only corn diet?" we both laughed as we remembered that even still my aunt would not touch corn after only eating that for five weeks. "But, no that’s not the problem.  She started to get some bad headaches that nothing would kick, and she is constantly tired.  She finally went to the doctor, and they found that she has chronic kidney failure." I drew back in surprise and confusion.  What was that?  My mother could read my question, and continued. "Aunt Kitty’s kidneys are working at about twenty-five percent of where they should be.  This has been going on for years, but she had no symptoms, so had no idea."

           "Is this bad?" I asked, my voice weak.  My mother nodded.

           "Yes.  Right now they have things basically under control, but it keeps getting worse every time she goes in.  The drugs they have her on just won’t seem to stop it or slow it down.  They are going to start her on dialysis next week."

           I could feel my heart sink.  I had heard that term before, and knew that it wasn’t good.  True, people could survive on dialysis for years, but in the early eighties, medicine was not as advanced.  I could only stare.  "What does that mean for her, mom?  How did she get this?" I breathed.

           "Well," she took another deep breath and sipped from her tea. "They want to see how this goes for a bit, then they may have to look into transplants.  And, she was born with it.  It was just never caught until now."

           I sat back in my chair, and stared out the window over the sink.  Aunt Kitty was far too young for this sort of thing.  She was only in her late twenties somewhere.  I was never sure just exactly how old she was.  But sure as hell too young for kidney failure.  I turned back to my mother.

           "So is this why Aunt Kitty was here so early the day we started school?" she nodded.  "What does Ron say about this?"

           "Well, he’s upset, but can’t always be here.  Aunt Kitty may have to stay here with us off and on, honey.  The Air Force sends Ron all over the place, so she’ll be alone a lot.  I don’t want her to be while she’s going through this.  We’ll just make up a room for her in Billy’s old room.  I’ll need your help, Emmy."

           "Of course" I exclaimed. "I would never leave Aunt Kitty alone." My mother smiled at me, and patted my hand that rested on the table.

           "Want some breakfast, honey?" I thought about that for a moment, and nodded.

           "I guess." My mother started to get up, but I stopped her. "No.  Breakfast is on me this morning."

           I thought a lot about my aunt, and how I felt about her condition.  Aunt Kitty had always seemed so strong, so young, so utterly untouchable by anything bad.  The news of her illness definitely put a dent in how I felt about life, and about humans.  With just the snap of the fingers, anything could happen.  As I walked through the halls of my high school, I looked around at the all the life around me, realizing that there were no certainties.  No promise that could not be broken.  No one untouchable.  I think in that moment, I grew up some, some of the innocents and naive outlook of childhood shedding like a second skin.  I also realized that I wasn’t going to like the transition from child to adult very much.

           As the year progressed I began to concentrate fully on my studies, determined as always to do my very best.  As my focus changed, so did my friends.  Darla Newman and I did not hang out much, but I found a new group of academic-oriented students who’s only goal in school was to receive the highest grades, and conquer the most academic clubs.  By the end of my Freshman year, I had been on the honor roll every semester, and had received an award for perfect attendance, as well as being in Honor Society, the English club, FBLA, and every advanced class that I was allowed to take.  Life was good.

           Beth had immediately gone to find out about the school’s Drama program, led by Ms. Andy White, a young, beautiful recent college grad, who was determined to whip the nearly non-existent department into shape.  The old teacher, Mr. Muller, had been on the verge of retiring for almost ten years, and had not cared one way or the other.  So, Ms. White had her work cut out for her.

           "Okay, Em.  You gotta tell me if this is believable or not," I sat on the dry, winter-browned grass in the park near our neighborhood, where Beth was rehearsing for the new play about to start in three weeks.  She played the play’s villain, Nadine Kidd, and was shot at the end of the show.  I watched on as she looked at an imaginary character, saying her lines flawlessly as I supplied the lines of the person she talked to as I read off her script.  Beth put so much into her role, I actually felt a chill run down my spine in fear from her psychotic part.

           "You won’t get away with it, Nadine." I said, glancing up at her.  She glared at the air in front of her.

           "No?  Just watch me" she hissed, and tried to walk past the hero.

           "Bam!" I yelled out into the cold, quiet afternoon.  Beth grabbed at her chest, a look of utter pain and surprise in her blue eyes.  She fell to her knees, the hand that did not grip the imaginary wound reaching out for the other character.

           "Why?" she breathed, as she fell flat on her face, and remained still.  I watched her in awe.  How had she gotten so good?  With a wide smile, I stood and clapped.  Beth rolled over and smiled up at me. "You like?" she asked, and I nodded vigorously.

           "Excellent.  Had me fooled." Beth reached her hand up, and I grabbed it to help her stand.

           "Cool." She took the script from me and read it over to make sure she had everything.

           "Your character is such a lunatic." I laughed as we began to head toward the swings.  She glanced over at me and smiled.

           "I know.  Isn’t it great?  She is such a hoot to play, too.  I love being crazy."

           "Hey, what was that you said once about being type-cast?" Beth looked down at me as we walked, and stuck her tongue out.

           Beth not only starred as the villain, but also co-wrote, and assistant directed the thing.  She had certainly found her niche, and Ms. White had found her helper for the next four years.

           Opening night came before we knew it, and I could tell that Beth was nervous as she paced back and forth in my bedroom as I got ready.  Her mother had disappeared for two days with her newest boyfriend, so she had no way of getting to the school.  My mother had always supported Beth in whatever she did, so she would take us, and stay to watch the show.

           "Okay," Beth whispered, having a conversation with herself it seemed.  She stared off into space as she paced, her hands running through her hair, or burying themselves into her pant’s pockets, or waving dramatically through the air as she mumbled, and rambled on like a crazy person.

           I sat at my mirror, and gave my hair the last finishing touches, glancing at her reflection off and on as she passed by.  Beth had always been that way when it came to her art.  Sometimes I thought she’d run a bare trail in the carpet as she concentrated.  That night was a big one for her, showing the world, well, the school anyway, how well she could act, direct and write all in one shot.  I knew in my gut that she would blow them all away, leaving them begging for more.  I just with she had that confidence in her own abilities.

           I stood from the floor, dressed in a long skirt, and shirt with a sweater over it.  It was a cold night in November.  I watched her for a moment before I got her attention by calling her name.  She glanced up at me, looking like she had forgotten that I was even there.

           "It’s time." I said happily.  She let out a long breath and nodded.

           I sat in that dark theater and watched with unimaginable pride as my best friend pranced across that stage, looking bold, unbelievably intimidating in her part as a ruthless villain, and utterly beautiful.  Over the past year Beth had filled out, her body catching up with her long legs, and lanky features. Now she carried herself with pride, and a nonchalance that made you stop and watch her go.  Her features were chiseled, her eyes burning an incredible incandescent blue that could burn with just one look.  Her hair was long, black and shiny.  She had gotten away somewhat from the practice of wearing baseball caps all the time.  She had threatened to cut her hair at times, but I would’ve been surprised if she would have.  She was striking.

           I glanced around me to see other’s reactions to the show, and especially Beth who took that stage, and made it her own.  I knew her like no one else there, and at first I could tell that she had been terrified.  Her eyes wondered often to find me sitting in the very first row.  But as the show went on, she gained momentum, and had not tried to find me for some time.  She was at home up there.

           "You know what I like about the stage the most?" I had shaken my head. "I can go up there, lose myself in my character, and their problem, and forget my own, knowing that whatever is happening to my character, by the end of the thing, everything will be okay.  There’s nothing like it."

           The last scene of the play, and Beth’s Nadine was fighting with the lead, Dylon, played by Collin Adams.  His gun was out, and with a deafening bang that echoed throughout the auditorium, Beth fell to her knees, reaching for him as he took a step back.  She falls, her last breath coming loud and strong before all is quiet.  As the red curtain began to close, I could feel my eyes stinging with the unshed tears.  Amazing.  She was utterly amazing.

           Pride surged through me once again as I stood with the other members of the audience, and clapped for all I was worth.  The curtain opened again, and the more minor characters ran out onto the stage to take a bow, followed by more important characters, finally Collin Adams, and last, but certainly not least to this audience, Beth Sayers.  The clapping was wild, interlaced with shouts and whistles.  Beth smiled from ear to ear, her face flushed with excitement.  Her eyes scanned the crowd for a moment, then settled on me, and I tried to tell her everything that I could in that look as our eyes locked for just a moment when she stepped back to allow the director, Andy White, to step out on the apron of the stage.  The teacher reached back, and grabbed Beth’s hand, pulling her out front with her, and raising their joined hands as they bowed together.

           I looked over to my mother who looked as proud as she would had Beth been her own daughter.  She leaned over to me.

           "Nora Sayers should have been here to see this." She whispered.  I nodded. "That was incredible!"

           My eyes opened, and I found that we were still flying through the air, headed for Colorado.  I had no clue where we were, or how far into the flight we were.  Only that I was sick of it, and really, really wanted to feel the ground below my feet.

           I glanced over at Rebecca to see that she had also nodded off, her unread magazine still open on the tray in front of her.  I took a deep breath, and unbuckled my seatbelt, headed to the tiny bathroom.

           The door clicked behind me, and I stared into the small mirror above the even smaller sink, and marveled at how the strange, bluish light could warp my features.  Running a hand through my hair, I thought of the cast party after the show that Beth had invited me to.  I had not wanted to go, the "Drama people" not my group, and I had found them very strange, albeit very accepting.  They had enfolded me into their group as one of their own for a night, simply because I was a friend of Beth’s.  Even though Beth had only been a Freshman, she had made quite a lasting mark for herself already.  Many of the seasoned actors were looking to her natural ability for ideas.

           The party was held out behind one of the cast member’s family farm.  An open field with a huge bonfire built up to light the darkness, and warm the chilled air.  Loads of beer, and other types of heavy alcohol were abundant.  I felt out of place there, and did not like it.  I wondered how I had agreed to go in the first place.

           I sat off by myself on someone’s open tailgate, and watched, an untouched cup of beer in my hand.  Beth talked, and laughed with the other’s, she even danced off and on with a few.  It was obvious to me that she was definitely in her element.

           "Hi." I turned to see a guy standing next to the truck, half his face in shadow, the other half dancing orange from the light of the fire.  I smiled shyly, but said nothing.  "Mind if I sit?" he asked.  I thought for a moment.  I really did not feel like company, but what the hell.  I nodded toward the tailgate. "Do you talk?" he grinned as he sat, the truck shaking slightly with the added weight.

           "Depends." I said, looking back to the party.

           "On?" He asked, sipping from his own cup.

           "Who I’m talking to." He grinned, and nodded.

           "Fair enough." He was silent for a moment as he watched the party goers.  "Why aren’t you out there?" he turned back to me.  I just shrugged, really wishing that he would just go away. "You here with someone?"

           "Beth." I said, and turned to him.  He really was a good looking guy with short, brown hair, clean-cut, mature, angled features.  I couldn’t tell what color his eyes were.

           "Beth" he asked, his brows drawn.

           "Yeah.  Beth Sayers.  She’s my best friend.  She asked me to come with her."

           "Oh." He nodded understanding.  "Hey, you want to go take a walk, or something?  I don’t know about you, but I really don’t like parties."  I stared at him for a moment, and without a word hopped off the tailgate, leaving my cup where I had been sitting.

           "So why are you here?" I asked, as we made our way toward a thicket of trees off to the right.  He shrugged.

           "Kind of the same reason you are, I suppose." He smiled at me, and reached down for my hand.  I glared up at him, taking my hand from his. "Sorry." He said, and tucked his hands into his back pockets.  "Wow, look at that." He said after a while, pointing toward the full moon that was directly ahead of us.  It was huge and gold, looked like if we were to walk just a bit further, we could touch it.  "Let’s stop for a sec, and look." He said, placing his hand on my arm.  I stopped, and did as he said, my heart pounding slightly, suddenly feeling uncomfortable.  I glanced back over my shoulder and realized that I could no longer see the party, only the light from the bonfire above the trees.  I turned back to the moon, only to find that I was staring directly at this guys chest.  I looked up into his face with questioning eyes.  He smiled. "You know, I don’t even know your name."

           "I think we should be getting back now." I said, starting to turn back the way we’d come, but he tightened his grip on my arm, keeping me where I was.

           "Why?  Come on, what’s your name?"

           "No, look, let’s go back to the party, and I’ll tell you anything you want to know, okay?"

           ‘Nah.  I think we should stay here.’ He bent down, and before I knew it, he was trying to kiss me, one large hand on the back of my head, holding me to him.  I pounded on his chest, trying to get away, but he was a lot bigger than I was.  I was suddenly being pushed back toward a tree, his weight holding me against it.  I tried to scream around his tongue in my mouth, but it only came out as a muted groan.  I was stuck, and realized just how much trouble I was in as I felt how excited he was getting, against my lower stomach.  His free hand was all over the place, groping what he could, trying to get under my shirt when suddenly I was met with nothing but the cold night air.  I opened my eyes in confusion as I saw him being slammed into the tree across from the one I still leaned against.  Beth was in his face, his shirt entwined in her fist.

           "I should have your balls for doing this." She hissed, one hand reaching down to grab his crotch.  His eyes squeezed shut in pain as his arms waved uselessly through the air.

           "What are you doing?!  We were just-"

           "We weren’t just doing anything.  You were just trying to do something very stupid to my best friend." His eyes opened, and he glared at Beth, then over at me, as I stood, and ran a shaking hand down my sweater to try and calm myself. "Look at me, you fucker, not her." Wide, frightened eyes turned back on her. "You do anything this stupid again, and I will have your balls.  You got it?" he nodded, his eyes never leaving hers.  She let go of his shirt, and punched him in the stomach.  He doubled over with a groan, then turned to run.  I watched him go, my breathing heavy, yet labored as the fear of what almost happened turned to the shock of what could have happened.  The next thing I knew, I was enveloped in a strong, warm embrace.  I clung to Beth, the tears finally coming to wet the front of her shirt.  She caressed my hair, whispering soothing words into the late, quiet night.

           Finally getting myself under control, I pulled away from her, wiping my eyes with the backs of my hands.  She held me by my shoulders, staring down into my face.

           "You okay, Em?" she asked, running her finger under my eye to catch a last tear that was trying to slip out.  I nodded numbly. "I had seen you talking to him, then when I saw you were gone, your cup on the tailgate, I had a bad feeling." She whispered, fear washing over her features. "If anything would have happened to you, I never would have forgiven myself." Her voice broke on the last word.  I reached up and cupped the side of her face.

           "Nothing happened, thanks to you.  I’m fine, Beth." She nodded, but I could still see the guilt written all over her face. "It’s okay."

           "That guy is known as an asshole.  I should of gone over to you sooner.  I’m sorry."

           "Hey, it’s okay." I drew her to me, this time comforting her. "I’m okay." I whispered into her shoulder.

           I stared at myself again in small mirror as the toilet whooshed to life behind me.  I had always wondered just what Beth had done to that guy later.  Whenever I saw him in the halls at school, he had gone out of his way to go down another hall, or duck into a near-by door.  I chuckled to myself, and opened the bathroom door, headed back toward our seats.

           "Everything okay?" Rebecca asked as I sat down, and re-buckled my seatbelt.

           "Yeah.  Fine." I smiled.  She returned the smile, and placed her hand over mine, squeezing it gently before she entwined our fingers in her lap, and shut her eyes again.

           I glanced out the window and watched the clouds gather as we flew through a thick group, the window becoming white, and nearly opaque.  With a sigh I closed my eyes again, too.

           "No way!  That one does not look like a clown." Beth exclaimed, squinting her eyes.

           "Yes it does.  Look," I raised my arm up toward the sky, and pointed with my finger. "See, there’s his nose, that great big round cloud, then see how it kind of goes up into a point?  That’s his hat."

           "It does not go up into a point." She insisted.

           "Well, it did before the clouds started to move." She looked over at me, one brow raised, looking at me like I was nuts.  I grinned. "Well, it did." She shook her head, and turned it to look back up at the sky.

           "You know, you really suck at this game, Em.  You try and make too elaborate of shapes.  Whatever happened to just plain old fashioned bunny rabbits and bananas?" I shrugged.

           "I don’t know.  I guess I just see what I see."

           I raised my arms over my head, feeling the cool, thick grass under my hands as I stretched my body, closing my eyes in pleasure with a groan.

           "It is so nice out here." I breathed as I relaxed again, my hands laying on my stomach.

           "Un huh." Beth agreed, placing her hands behind her head, then reaching down to scratch her leg where a blade of grass was making her itch. "Your birthday ended up being a pretty nice day.  Not too hot, like it usually is." She turned on her side, her head resting on her hand, and looked down at me. "Tonight we’re all going down to the lake on the east side.  Wanna come?" I looked up at her and wrinkled my nose.

           "No way.  You remember what happened last time I went to one of your friend’s parties."

           "Different people.  It’ll just be me, Collin, Mary and Sheila."

           "Nah." I looked back up into the sky. "Why tonight, though, Em?  Aren’t you going to stay for our party here?  Aunt Kitty and Ron are coming, and maybe one or two of my friends from Honor Society." I glanced over at her again.  She shook her head and looked over toward the house.

           "Nah.  We’ve had this planned for awhile, and that’s all your family.  Besides, " she rolled over and sat up, wrapping long arms around her bent knees. "Your friends from Honor Society look at me like I’m a leper."

           "Okay." I was hurt, but I knew she was right.  None of my friends understood why Beth and I were best friends, and I suspected that her friends wondered the same thing.  That was just the way things were now. "You guys going to drink, again?" I asked, sitting up next to her.  She glanced over at me and nodded.

           "Probably some, yeah." She said.   Beth had started to do that a lot.  It worried me for her.  Her mother had made such a mess out of her own life, and in some ways, that of Beth, and I did not want to see Beth make the same mistake.  I had heard that alcoholism ran in families.  "Well, " she said, standing, and reaching down to help me up. "You said I could have the first ride in your Jeep."

           We walked around the back gate to the front yard.  I could not help but smile as I spotted my birthday present.  Never in a million years did I think I’d get a car for my sixteenth birthday.  I guess it was good having a father who managed a car dealership.

           The Jeep was a 1979 model, and was painted bright yellow with a black, rubber roll bar.  The color was not one that I would have chosen, but I had to admit that it had character to it.  I sure would be able to spot it easily in a parking lot.

           Beth jumped into the passenger side, and I climbed behind the wheel, bringing it rumbling to life.  I grinned over at my best friend, and backed out of the drive.  We drove around town in companionable silence, neither feeling the need to talk.  I had left the hard top at home, so the warm, summer air ran through our hair, and our lungs, beating out the cold, stale air of the winter finally gone by.  It felt so good just to be with Beth, no pressure from any of our friends, or our new lives.  Just us.  Like it used to be.  We rarely saw each other at school, and I was rarely home before nightfall with all of the after school activities I had, and with Beth’s Drama practice.  It was times like these that I grew to look forward to, and treasure.

           Whatever happened, wherever we ended up, Beth would always be my best friend.

           "We are approaching Denver International Airport.  Please make sure your chairs and trays are securely locked into their upright position, and that your seatbelts are securely in place, snug around you.  We are preparing for landing."

           I held on to the arms of my chair as I felt the plane lose altitude, glancing outside at the lowered wing as we banked around for a solid landing on the runway.  I saw the town of Denver spread out before us as we got closer, and I could not help but smile.  It had been far too long since I’d been home.  I knew Rebecca and I still had a three hour drive ahead of us, but nonetheless, I was glad to be home.

           We rented a silver Toyota Camry, and made our way out to I-25, and headed south.

           I was tired as I pulled into the driveway of my house, a long day behind me.  It was dark, well after eight on a warm, late September night.  I grabbed my backpack from the back of my Jeep, and slung it over my shoulder as I headed toward the house, only to be met by my mother who ran out onto the front porch.

           "Hey." I said, my brows drawn.

           "Honey, have you seen Beth?" she asked.

           "What?" I was confused.

           "Did you see Beth today at school?"

           "No, I-" come to think of it, I hadn’t seen Beth for a couple of days.

           "Nora has been calling all day.  Beth hasn’t been home since Monday."

           "It’s Thursday." I said, my voice incredulous.  My mother shrugged.

           "Honey, you’ve got to go look for her." Before the words were out of my mother’s mouth, I had hopped back into the Jeep, tossing my bag in back, and she roared to life.  The tires squealed in protest as I pealed out of the drive.

           I started at all the places and parts of town that I knew Beth hung out at, to no avail.  Starting at the lake, and heading down Northern, checking out all the bars.  Beth was underage, but most never carded her as she looked to be no less than in her mid-twenties.  Nothing.  I drove by the school, and stopped by the park.  I had to think.  Where else does she go?  I rally didn’t know any of her friends.

           "Damn." I breathed, slamming my hand into the wheel.  Where could she be?  I knew that lately she was getting with a  crowd that was notorious for partying, no matter what time of day, or if it was a school night.  It didn’t matter.  What was that girl’s name that I saw her with all the time?  Carry?  Corey?  Cora.  I could still see her with her short, dyed black hair, pale skin, and dark make-up.  She always wore black, usually leather.  I had seen her and Beth together more than once.  Where did her group usually hang out?  I remembered overhearing some kids talking about them one day, and they said they all hung out at some old run-down warehouse.  Where was it?  I tapped my fingers on the steering wheel as I thought, and then like the proverbial light bulb, it clicked, and I put the Jeep in gear, and made a U-turn in the middle of the street, headed off toward the Looms.  That's what they called it.

           It was nearly eleven when I finally found the place.  The neighborhood was industry, and did not look exactly safe. I was extremely nervous as I slowed the Jeep, looking around to find the exact building.  I heard deep, pounding music, and turned toward it, finding a massive, old gray cinderblock building with large windows, most painted over black.  The only light the place spewed was from the door on the side.  Deciding that was probably the place to go, I pulled up to it, and killed the ignition.  With a  deep breath, and a small prayer to whoever, I headed inside.

           The place was too big to be lit very well by the scattering of naked bulbs hanging, so the light was dim, the air heavy and acrid, smelling of old cigarettes, and the sweet smell of pot.  I looked around to find various groups of people huddled in corners, talking, some making out.  My eyes bulged as I saw a couple actually having sex under a far table.  I scanned the room some more, seeing some dancing to the bone-shattering music.  Two women were grinding together, and then I saw a figure slumped against an old loading dock door.  The figure was completely in black, as were most of the people, her upper shoulders were against the metal door, her legs straight out in front of her, her arms laying limply at her side.  My eyes began to move on when I froze.

           "Beth." I whispered, my gaze zooming back in on the unmoving woman.  "My god." I ran over to her, not caring about the strange looks I got as I passed different people and groups.  Just as I was about to reach her, Cora stepped into view.  She walked over to Beth, but then her head swung around when she caught me coming out of the corner of heavily blacked eyes with eyeliner.  "Get away from her!" I yelled, as I reached my friend, throwing myself to my knees next to her.  Beth’s eyes were open, but extremely glazed and unfocused.  Cora said nothing as she stood over us, looking down at me. "What is wrong with her?" I asked, my hand reaching out and righting Beth’s lulled head.  Eyes that were so dilated the blue irises barely showed.

           "I don’t know.  I think she had some bad shit." Cora said, her voice casual.  I looked up at her, incredulous.

           "Some bad shit?" I repeated. "Does she need a doctor?" I asked, near hysterical.

           "Nah.  Just get ‘er home, and let her sleep.  Give her a bunch to drink.  Water’s usually good."

           "Come on, Beth honey.  I’m getting you out of here." I said.  I could feel my throat tightening, and wanted to get the hell out of there before I out and out bawled.  "Help me!" I yelled up at the girl as I tried to lift Beth’s dead body weight.  With Cora’s help, I managed to get Beth buckled into the passenger side of the Jeep.  "You stay away from her." I growled at the girl from behind the wheel.  She shrugged as she took a step back toward the door.

           "She needs to learn to hold her shit better.  She’s a good lay, though." And disappeared into the warehouse.  I stared after her, my mouth hanging open, then turned back to Beth.  She lay with her arms hanging over the sides of the seat, her head back against the head rest, mouth open, eyes closed.

           "Beth?  Beth!" I shook her when she didn’t answer.  Her head lulled again, but then she righted herself, and glanced over at me.

           "Huh?" she slurred, followed by a grin.

           "I’m getting you the hell out of here." I muttered, nearly killing the Jeep as I ground the gears in my haste.

           The neighborhood was quiet as I pulled into our drive.  I sat in the Jeep for a minute trying to decide what to do.  I looked over at the Sayers’ house, no lights were on at all.  Gee.  Nora must have been really worried about her daughter who’d been gone for three days.

           "Bitch." I muttered as I climbed out of the car, and went around to Beth’s side. "You’ve got to help me, Beth." I said as I unbuckled her.  She nearly fell out, taking me with her.  She got to her feet, and I had to push her up against the side of the car to hold her up so I could get my balance. "Okay.  We can do this." I moved to the side of her, and slung her arm around my shoulder. "Ready?"

           "Huh?" I wrapped my other arm around her waist as we started very slowly toward the porch, the light on to guide us.

           "One step at a time, honey.  That’s it.  Good girl."  Finally making it to the door, the screen door flew open, scaring the crap out of me, and nearly making Beth fall to the grass.

           "Thank god you found her." My mother said, her eyes narrowing in worry at Beth’s condition.  She wrinkled her nose. "My god.  Where has she been?  A land fill?"

           "Long story, mom.  Just help me get her to my room." I muttered.

           "Honey, shouldn’t she go home?  Or to a hospital?  My god, she looks like she’s half dead."

           "Mom, please.  I can’t take her home.  You know Nora will leave her to rot on the floor, if she doesn’t beat her half dead first.  She does not need a doctor.  Please , mom.  Please just let me take care of her?" my mother stared into my eyes, and could see how serious I was.  With a  sigh she nodded, and helped me get Beth to my bedroom.

           I shut the door after pushing my mother out, and turned back to Beth who lay spread across my bed.  I wasn’t sure what to do first, but then decided to get the stuff I’d need.  I left the bedroom, and headed for the kitchen where I filled a huge plastic cup with cold water, and grabbed some fruit, and bread.  Easy stuff for her to eat.  I set my offerings on my dresser, and turned back to my friend.

           "Mom’s right, Beth.  You do stink." I walked over to her, and sat on the edge of the bed next to her.  Her breathing was normal now, and she seemed to be more with it as her eyes opened.  They were still glazed, but not near as bad. "Hey." I said when she somewhat focused on me.

           "Hey." She said, her voice scratchy.  I grabbed the glass of water, and brought it to her lips, holding her head up as she sipped.  She choked a bit, and I sat her all the way up, leaning her body weight against me.

           "Okay?" I asked.  She nodded, and buried her face in my neck.  I could feel her body shake as she began to sob. "Hey, hey." I said, pulling her into me.  She wrapped her arms around me.  I could feel her tears against the skin of my neck. "Shhh, baby.  It’s okay."

           "I’m sorry, Em." She whimpered.  "I never meant for you to see me this way."

           "Shh.  I know.  I was so worried about you." I whispered, my own tears coming to the surface.  "When my mother told me no one could find you, you don’t know what went through my head." I laid back, taking her with me.  She curled her body up to me, holding me so tight it almost hurt.

           "I know." She cried on for almost ten minutes before she began to calm, her tears turning into hiccups. "I didn’t mean to scare you, Em." She whispered, moving down so her head laid upon my stomach.  Just like old times.  I reached down, my fingers trying to run through the tangles in her dark hair. "I feel so weird." She said.

           "That girl Cora said you had had some bad shit.  What exactly does that mean?" I began to stroke her back with my other hand.

           "I don’t know.  I took so much stuff. I don’t remember.  I don’t remember much of anything, except seeing you barge in there like that." She chuckled quietly. "This little pint-sized thing rushing in there so tough.  You’re lucky that Cora was pretty gone, or she may have tried to kick your ass." She took a deep breath. "I don’t feel so good."  The next think I knew, Beth leaned up, and threw up over the side of the bed.  I held her hair back as she continued to spew, having put my trash can under her.  I rubbed her back as her stomach made the most awful noises, the veins in her neck standing on end as her body continued to pump more and more of the stuff out of her system.

           "Oh, god." She groaned, her strength gone, laying on her stomach, only to start all over again.

           "Get it all out, Beth." I encouraged, holding her hair back again as she was once more wracked with a spasm.  Finally spent, and I was pretty sure done throwing up, I helped Beth stand on weak legs, and we headed for the bathroom.  She smelled of old clothes, smoke, sex, and now throw up.  She said she was starting to make herself feel sick again just from the smell, so she wanted a bath.

           I flicked on the light, the smallish bathroom coming to life.  I guided her to the toilet where she sat on the lid as I began to run her a bath.  She watched with half-hooded eyes.  I looked at her over my shoulder.

           "Will you be okay to do this by yourself?" she looked down at herself, then back over at me, shaking her head.

           "I think I’m gonna need your help."

           I let the water fill up the tub as I walked back over to her, kneeling to remove her shoes and socks.  Throwing them aside, I moved up to her jeans, unbuttoning and unzipping them.

           "Lift." I instructed.  When she did, I slid them and her underwear out from under her all in one shot.  I caught sight of dark hair, and for just a moment a strange bolt of heat ran through me to land squarely in the pit of my stomach.  I swallowed, and continued with my mission.  Her grimy T-shirt came next followed by her bra.  I wrapped my arms around her so I could unhook it.  This put us in a hug, and I could feel her breasts against my own.  I thought back to when I had been at that warehouse, and what I had thought of Cora.  I realized that not only did I not like her because of where she had taken Beth, but also, even before she had said anything, I knew that she and Beth were sleeping together.  I didn’t like it.  I didn’t like it one bit.

           I cleared my head of all these thoughts as I made myself concentrate on what I was doing.  Beth was weak, and could not do any of this for herself.

           "I have to pee." She said, her voice quiet, and embarrassed.  I looked down at her and nodded.  She leaned on me as she stood so I could lift the lid.

           "You be okay for a sec while I get you something to put on after your bath?" she nodded, looking relieved that she’d be alone to go to the bathroom.  I hurried into my bedroom, and dug through my drawers trying to find something that would fit her.  Beth was so much taller than I was, and bigger.  Finally remembering a pair of shorts that my grandmother had sent me one time that were at least four sizes too big for me, that I had buried in a drawer.  I dug the sweat shorts out, and tossed them on the bed, going on a search for a  shirt next.  I found one that was too big for me that I often slept in, I headed back to the bathroom.  Beth sat on the toilet lid again, apparently done.  She smiled up at me, and I smiled back, locking the bathroom door behind me.

           Beth sighed deeply as she sat in the hot water, the steam swirling up around us.  I knelt next to the tub, and helped her lay back so I could wash her hair, and her body.  I tried to use clinical detachment as I smoothed the soap over Beth’s skin, her body so beautiful.  She had grown to be an incredible woman.  Her legs were still long, but had filled out, her thighs strong, and shapely.  Her stomach was flat, her breasts full and firm, the hardened nipples dark, but not too large.  I watched as long fingers held on to the edge of the tub to help keep her balance, the nails short, but well taken care of .  Her neck was also long, the collar bones well defined, her shoulders wide and well developed.  My eyes moved up to her face, her eyes closed with dark, relaxed brows, naturally arched.  Her nose was straight, and well proportioned to her face.  Her full lips were slightly parted, her breathing shallow.  She was breathtaking.  I had a strong desire to run my hands over her shoulders, feeling the muscle under my fingers, knowing the planes of Beth.

           I pushed the thought from my mind as blue eyes opened and stared up at me.  I helped her sit up, and she wrapped her arms around her drawn knees.  She looked deeply into my eyes that I prayed did not show what I was feeling inside.

           "Thank you, Em." She whispered.  "I’m so glad you found me.  You’re the only person on earth that I would want to take care of me like this." I smiled, and pushed some hair that was stuck to the side of her face back.

           "I’m always here for you, Beth.  Just like you are for me."

           We got Beth dressed, and back to my bedroom.  She collapsed onto the bed, and reached for me.  I stared at her for a moment, and she grinned shyly up at me.

           "I know it seems odd, and this isn’t something I ask just anybody, but would you just, well, just hold me for a little bit?" her eyes ducked to the quilt on the bed, her cheeks colored slightly from embarrassment. "I just seem to be embarrassing myself over and over again tonight." She muttered.  My face fell into a soft smile, and I lowered myself onto the bed next to her, opening my arms wide.  Beth looked up at me, and fell into the embrace, pushing her legs under the covers, and bringing the blankets up around us.  I held her to me, her head laying against my chest, and we talked.  We talked about everything that night from favorite shows on television to politics, to where we wanted to end up in twenty years.

           In all the years that I had known Beth up to that point, I had never seen her be so candid and honest about herself.  Her vulnerability from the situation gave way to an unprecedented honesty that I don’t recall ever sharing again with another human being.  I cherished that night for what it was; a special intimacy that no sex act could ever equal.

           "You know, I’ve thought about your Aunt a lot lately." Beth said, her voice hushed. "So sad for someone so young." She was quiet for a moment, then, "Em, do you have any regrets?" I ran my fingers through her dark hair as I thought of an answer.

           "Yes." I admitted.  She was quiet, letting me explain if I wished.  What were my regrets?  The admission had flown out of my mouth before I even had a full answer  Apparently my subconscious knew more than I did.   I had a lot of regrets where Beth was concerned, that I knew.  I was not about to tell her that, though for fear of sounding hypocritical.  I regretted how our friendship had begun to deteriorate on a more surface level.  Deep down I knew that we both loved each other as much, if not more, than we ever had.  I would have done anything for Beth, and I knew the same was true of her.  I regretted my weakness in ability to admit that I felt equally as attracted to my best friend as I knew she was to me.  My mind reeled hack to just a few hours before when I had been bathing her.  My thoughts were not my own, or perhaps they were more my own than ever.  I didn’t know.  I was too young to sort it all out in one night.

           I glanced over at the window to see the first rays of the sun beginning to peek its head over the houses behind ours.  We had been talking all night.  I turned my attention back to her.

           "Do you?"

           "Yes I do.  Many." She readjusted her head on my chest, wrapping her arm around me a bit tighter. "Someone told me once that to live with regret is to not live at all." I sighed.

           "How true." I felt my body beginning to respond to her closeness, and tiny nerve endings were reaching out to worship every part of her body that touched mine.  There was just something about the silence of late night, early morning that made the body that much aware of its surroundings, and true desires.  I closed my eyes, and swallowed.

           "Think maybe we should get some sleep." Beth said, her voice soft.  I opened my eyes, and sighed with relief.  Sleep.  What a good idea.  I wondered if Beth were being as affected as bad as I was.  With that thought, I closed my eyes, and let the darkness enfold me.

           Rebecca and I stopped at an IHOP in Colorado Springs for lunch.  We sat at our table, and I stared down at my nearly untouched cheeseburger, a fry in my hand as I dipped it over and over again in my ketchup/Mayo mixture.

           "You know, I think that fry is about as covered as it’s going to get." I glanced up and met Rebecca’s twinkling eyes.  I grinned, and popped it into my mouth. "So where was Beth living?  Was she with anyone?" my lover asked, wiping some Ranch dressing from her lip.  I shrugged.

           "I honestly don’t know.  She never told me." I met her gaze again to see her understanding, yet confused look. "I was thinking about that last night.  I have no clue where she lived, or with who, is she was living with someone.  What she was doing, though knowing Beth, she was on stage to the end." I smiled in remembrance.  "The only place on earth she ever felt truly at home.  On that stage."

           "She was very talented.  I’m glad I was able to see her that one time."

           "Yeah.  Me, too."

           "Did Beth like school?" Rebecca asked, sipping from her iced tea. I shook my head.

           "Hated it.  I think the only reason she went as long as she did was because of Drama.  That was her life.  Well, that and partying." Rebecca nodded with a small chuckle.

           I awoke with a heat against my back, and knocking in my head.  As reality came back to me, I realized that Beth was spooned up behind me, her arm holding me tightly to her, and someone was knocking on my door.

           "Emmy?  Honey, are you awake?"

           I raised my head, and looked around.  My room was a disaster, the smelly trash can still near my bed on the floor, clothes thrown everywhere, and the sun blaring in through the window.  I groaned.

           "Yeah." I mumbled, and carefully, trying not to wake Beth up, climbed out of bed, and walked over to the door to unlock it.  I opened it to find my mother looking at me in her robe.

           "Honey, are you going to go to school today?" she asked, her brows drawn.

           "What time is it?" I asked.

           "Almost eight-thirty."  I groaned again.  Classes had stared almost forty-five minutes ago.

           "No." I decided. "Class is already started, we went to bed about three hours ago, and," I turned and looked at Beth’s sleeping form over my shoulder. "Beth needs me today." I turned back to my mother.

           "Okay, Emmy." Her face turned serious. "You tell Beth if she pulls a stunt like that again, she won’t have to worry about Nora Sayers.  She’ll have me to deal with."

           "Point taken, Mrs. Thomas." Came a groggy voice from behind me.  I chuckled, and my mother glanced over my shoulder.

           "Better be" she said, waggling her finger at Beth.  Beth smiled apologetically, and laid her raised head back down with a moan.  "You girls get some sleep." My mother said, and gave me a quick hug before leaving us.  I turned and walked back to the bed, my body feeling like it had been hit by a Mac truck the night before.  Beth grabbed me to her again as I climbed back into bed, and I settled into her embrace, and fell asleep.

  PART 6

           I DIRECTED MY father and Ron around the corner, opening the bedroom door as far as it would go so they would not bang up the wall with the headboard.  With a grunt, they set the heavy piece of furniture down, and headed back upstairs to the truck in the driveway to get the other parts.  My mother and Aunt Kitty were in the kitchen making a schedule for my aunt’s doctor appointments.

           "Coming through!" I backed up against the wall to let the guys come by with one of the mattresses.  After they’d passed, I went outside.  It was early spring, and the end of my junior year in high school.  I would be eighteen in the summer, and could not wait to get through my last year before I was off to CU Boulder for law school.

           Aunt Kitty had gotten worse in the last year.  The dialysis had been going fine until the tubes they had put in her arm to hook her up to the machine, kept plugging up with blood clots, and one by one her veins were collapsing.  Now it was down to one last graph, as they call them, and a place on a donor list.  I knew my mother was beyond worried.

           I walked into the kitchen, and leaned back against the fridge and watched the two sisters talk.  Aunt Kitty looked nothing like her old self.  About nine months ago she had cut her hair off short so it would be easier to deal with, and the weight she had lost.  She was a shadow of herself, and it made my heart hurt.

           I left the house, and sat on the front porch, my gaze drawn to Beth’s house.

           Beth and I had not spoken in nearly two months.  I turned my gaze away, and stared at the Nivens’ house across the street, trying to get my mind off of what had happened, and how stupid it had been.

           I looked around as the silver Camry made its way down a familiar tree-lined street.  In the past ten years this neighborhood had not changed much, though my mother had said that a lot of the houses had been sold, and turned into rentals.  What a shame.  A renter would never take care of a house the way an owner would.

           I saw the Donner house to the left.  I guess old Townsend Donner had finally died the year before, and his house was still being fought over by his eleven children.  I always wondered just how the hell he and his wife, Martha had raises so many kids in just that simple three bedroom house.  I tore my gaze from the old place to see my parent’s house just up ahead, and to the right.  Rebecca was looking around as much as I was.  She had only been here once.  The other times my parents had come out to New York to see us.

           "You know, honey, you really need to get out here more." She said, her voice hushed in the quiet car.

           "I know." I agreed.  With a deep breath I pulled the car off to the curb, and pulled the break.  My brother’s truck was in the driveway, and I could not wait to see him and his family.  Lord, it had been way too long.

           No sooner was my door open, then I heard a whoop, and saw Billy running across the front lawn, and grabbed me up in strong arms, pulling me to him.  I clung to him, so happy to see him.

           "Where you been!" he exclaimed into my ear, his embrace nearly crushing. "Don’t ever stay away so long again, Emmy.  I mean it." He pulled away and set me down on the ground again.  I looked up at him with appraising eyes, and was surprised to see a full beard, dark like his eyebrows in contrast to his blonde hair.

           "God, you are such a good looking guy." I grinned. He smiled back.

           "I know." He winked, and turned to Rebecca, giving her nearly as breathtaking a hug as he’d given me.  I looked up to the porch to see my parents, and Billy’s wife, Nina waiting for their turn.  A little girl, about seven stood behind her mother watching us with curious green eyes, much the color of mine. A smaller boy ran around the front grass with an airplane, making flying noises as he ran.  In Nina’s arms was yet another baby, a little girl who was asleep, tiny little head resting against her mother’s breast.   I turned to Billy.

           "When did you get so many kids?"

           "Well, if you’d come home now and then, maybe you’d know." He walked over to flyer boy, and put a proud hand on his narrow shoulder. "This is Kyle.  Little Heather is playing shy behind Nina, and our newest bundle of joy, Rachel." Rebecca turned to me with a huge smile across her face.  She adored kids, and I could tell that the new babysitter had arrived.

           I headed up to the porch, and I was swept into another powerful hug by my father, and then taken into the warm, safe embrace of my mother.

           "I’m so glad you’re here, honey." She whispered into my ear.

           "I am, too, mom.  I wouldn’t miss this for the world."

           It had been early February, and southern Colorado had been hit with a massive, out of nowhere storm that had dumped eighteen inches of snow on us.  The town had been shut down for two days, and things were finally opening back up as the sun came out, and began to melt the snow.

           I had bundled up in my winter jacket, and was beginning to shovel the sidewalk when something very wet, and very cold hit the side of my face.  I gasped in surprise, and glanced to my right.  Beth stood at the line between our two yards with a  mile-wide smirk on her face, and a raised brow.

           "Why did you do that?" I asked, my voice calm, belying my incredible need to pick up a nice handful, and chuck it at her.

           "Because I can." She answered just as coolly.  We stared at each other, neither moving, awaiting to see what the other person would do.  Then as if an imaginary gun had gone off, I tossed the shovel, and she hit the deck as we both started making snowballs as fast as we could. "Ready?" she called.

           "Yeah.  Go!!" we stood, and began to throw as hard and as far as we could while trying to use as accurate of aim as possible.  Within minutes we were both screaming as we were plowed one after the other, our hair hanging limply in our eyes as the snowballs exploded on contact.  "Peace!" I cried as I ran out of ammo, but Beth’s kept coming.  "No!" I yelled as she moved forward, pelting me as she went.  I fell to the wet ground, and covered my head with my arms as I took attack after attack, our giggling filled the air.  When she ran out of snow, Beth collapsed next to me, and began to tickle me.  I screamed out again as I twisted in the most bizarre ways to try and get away from torturous fingers.

           "Say it!  Say it, Em!" she laughed.

           "No," I cried, almost out of breath from laughing so hard.

           "Come on, uncle.  Say uncle!’

           "Uncle!" I finally exclaimed, about to pee my pants.

           "Good girl." She got off me, and helped me up. "Snowman?" she asked, and I readily agreed.

           Beth and I worked diligently trying to gather as much snow as we could to build a mammoth snow creation.  The bottom ball was at least four feet around, and the entire thing close to six foot in height.  We laughed and giggled like children.

           "I’m gonna go get us some stuff for him." I grinned, and ran to the house, taking my boots off at the front door, then running full speed ahead.

           "Whoa!" my mother called from the kitchen. "Where’s the fire?" I was half way up the stairs, and yelled as I ran.

           "Snowman!"

           "I’ve got to see this." She said.  I ran into my room, and grabbed a long scarf, and some extra buttons from an old pair of pants, and my old cowboy hat.  Just as I was about to head out, I glanced out the window, and gasped.

           "Shit." I breathed as I watched Beth.  She was making our snowman into a rather voluptuous snowwoman. "God," I muttered as I ran down the stairs, nearly knocking my mother over at the front door, her Polaroid in hand. "Hang on a sec, mom.  Um, let us get her-it set up." I smiled as innocently as possible, ignoring her you’ve lost your mind, look.  I ran outside, nearly falling on my butt into the street.  I turned on Beth who was still quite into her creation.  "What are you doing?!" I asked, watching as large hands sculpted, and molded the snow into very realistic-looking breasts complete with very erect nipples.  She turned and grinned at me.

           "I’m making old Frosty here a Frosty-et."

           "So I see." I glanced back up to the house to see my mother opening the front door.  Turning back to the snowwoman, I threw the scarf around its thick neck, and strategically hung the ends over them.

           "What are you doing?" Beth exclaimed, pushed back by me.  I motioned toward my mother with my head.

           "She can’t see that." I hissed.

           "Why?  Your mom has seen boobs before, you know." She grinned.

           "This looks great, girls." My mother laughed as she looked over our creation.  I glanced down to make absolute sure the mounds could not be seen.  Good to go. "Okay.  Emmy, Beth, both of you get on either side.  I have got to take a picture of this!" I plastered a smile on my face, my blood still boiling as my mother took her picture.  She smiled at us one more time and shook her head as she headed back into the house.  As soon as the front door closed, I turned on Beth, my fury burning in my cheeks.

           "How dare you!" I growled.  She smiled down at me, pissing me off that much more.

           "What?  Come on, Em.  Have a sense of humor."

           "I have a sense of humor, Beth, but not when you have some Mae West made of snow on my front lawn!" my voice echoed throughout the neighborhood.  I looked around to make sure no one had heard me.

           "Hey, if God can put balls on man, I sure as hell can put tits on a snowwoman." I just glared up at her.

           "That’s not funny, Beth." I turned to the creation, and threw the scarf off, to the ground, trying to pat down the icy mounds.

           "My, Em!" Beth said.  I could hear the anger in her voice. "You are so fucking worried what other people might think.  Try and just be you for once!" she turned and walked away, toward her house.  I stared after her, my fury rushing through my veins with every beat of my heart.  Was she right?  I turned back to the snowwoman.  No.  I was.  This was all in fun, sure, but what if someone walked by, and saw this thing?  They would think that I had done this!  Why the hell couldn’t she do this kind of crap in her own yard?

           I turned around in a slow circle as I took in my room, smiling slightly at all the old posters that still hung on the walls.  How outdated the stars were.  I walked over to my dresser, and ran my fingers over its smooth surface, ending at my unicorn collection.  I picked one of the porcelain figures up, and turned it over in my hands, running my fingers over its mane, forever blowing in an unseen wind.  With a deep sigh, I turned to the window, small unicorn still in my hands.  I looked out at the street, a red Mazda passing as I watched.  Everything looked so much the same, yet so very different.  I tried to see the street through young eyes, and bring back another time when I was another person.  It was not so hard to imagine.

           I laid back against my pillows, my legs crossed at the ankles, arms folded over my trusty teddy Ruffles, who lay on my chest.  I stared out through the curtains as night began to fall, the sky slightly orange tinted from the light reflection off the snow.  I was still angry, and hurt at Beth.  The more I thought about it, the angrier I got.  True, she had just been having fun with the snowman, but all the same, she knew how I would feel about that; how uncomfortable it made me.  It was total lack of consideration for me.  She had been doing that a lot lately.  I sighed as I thought of how worried I had been about her.

           After the incident in the Looms, I had seen her coming home drunk so many times.  She was rarely going to school, unless it was for Drama practice.  I was surprised that Ms. White was allowing her to do Drama at all considering her grades.  It wasn’t my place to say anything, so I didn’t.

           I glanced over into the corner of the room, seeing our bags laying on the floor.  This was where Rebecca and I were to stay while we were here.  I sat down at the end of the bed, ran one of my hands over the blue and white bedspread.  The only other person who had slept in that bed with me had been Beth.

           I flopped back onto the soft mattress, stared up at the ceiling.  How was I going to get through this?  I could feel a lump beginning to form in my throat, and the familiar stinging behind my eyes.  I squeezed them shut as I felt a tear slid out from under my lids.  I held my breath as I tried to get them to stop as another followed the path of the first.

           Aunt Kitty had fallen asleep finally after hours of my mother trying to soothe her raging headache. They had gotten worse.  The doctor had said they would.  I glanced across the dinner table at my mother.  She looked so haggard and tired.  She had been taking care of her baby sister for two weeks, and it was beginning to weigh on her.  I knew she did not mind helping out my aunt, but the emotional toll on her was awful.

           My father glanced up at her from under heavy brows, and shook his head.  He had never been good at saying how and what he really felt.  He was worried about both his wife and his sister-in-law, but just didn’t have the vocabulary.  I felt so sad.  I was tired of feeling sad.

           "Can I be excused?" I asked quietly.  The house had been so hushed in those days.  My mother had said that Aunt Kitty was staying with us while Ron was away, and until she got better.  But we were all privately coming to terms with the fact that we were taking care of Aunt Kitty while Ron was away until she died.

           "Go ahead, sweetie." My mother said absently, picking at her chicken.  I stood, and headed outside to sit on the front porch, stared out into the star-filled sky.  Aunt Kitty’s dementia was getting worse.  She sometimes had no idea where she was, or who she was with.  The voices she heard were getting worse, too.  I loved my aunt so much, and it was so hard for me to see her that way.  I sighed and looked down at my tennis shoes when I heard some yelling.  My head snapped to the right to Beth’s house.  Something crashed, followed by more yelling.

           "You fuckin’ stupid woman!" Beth bellowed followed by another crash.  "Where is it?  You took it from me, didn’t you?  Didn’t you?"

           "Get off me you goddamn kid!  I don’t know where the fuck your pot is!  Let go, let go!" the front door slammed open, and Nora Sayers stumbled down the driveway to her car.  She slammed the door shut, and a moment later the old Pinto sputtered to life, and she was gone.  I watched on, my eyes bulging in shock.  Finally snapping out of it, I stood and ran over to the well-lit house.  The door was open, leaving me to stare at a house in shambles through the screen door.  I could hear more crashing further into the house.  Slowly I opened the door, and stepped into the hot, muggy place.

           The place looked like it had been ransacked.  Lamps were on the floor, cushions from the couch and chairs were laying on the floor with books and bits of paper.

           "Beth?" I asked, carefully making my way through the house, not wanting to step on anything.  "Beth?" I called again.

           "Get the fuck out!" she yelled from deeper in.  I headed toward the voice in Beth’s room.  I stood in the doorway, my mouth hanging open.  Beth was in a rage, tearing posters off the walls, punching at the space behind them, her fist going through the drywall. "Fucking bitch!" she yelled as she tripped her way over to the dresser, grabbing an eight by ten framed picture of her father, and throwing it to the other side of the small room where it crashed into a hundred pieces.  I looked at the ruined picture to see that it was of her father and her the summer she had gone to the summer camp.  I swallowed, frightened by her temper.

           "Beth?" I said quietly, taking a step inside the room.

           "I said get the fuck out!" she screamed at me.  My heart stopped.  Beth’s face was beat red from crying and being so upset, her eyes even more bright and vibrant than usual from all the tears, and one was quickly darkening into a deep shiner.  Blood was smeared on her face, coming from her nose. Her hair was wild.  She looked like some crazy Amazon of a woman, and her fury was quickly being directed toward me. "Get out!" she walked over to me, and pushed me.  I lost my breath as I nearly lost my footing, holding onto the doorframe to keep my balance.

           "No." I said defiantly.  "What’s going on, Beth?" I asked, stepping back into the room.  She stared at me for a moment, then rushed back into the mess that was her room, throwing things, and tearing other things.  I had never seen her like this.  My god.  Then my heart stopped all together as she went back to her dresser, and grabbed one of her acting trophies that she had gotten at camp.  Without a word, she chucked it at the far wall, the silver cup bouncing, knocked off the base.  She grabbed another, and did the same. "Beth!" I cried.  Those trophies meant everything to her. "Please don’t." my voice was thick, my vision blurry as I began to cry.

           "What the fuck does it matter?" she roared, then she swept her hands across the dresser surface, sending all her prized awards, trophies and ribbons clattering to the floor as I sobbed.

           "Oh, Beth." I whispered, my tears not allowing me to speak.  Beth seemed to sober for just a moment, realizing what she had done, and her legs sagged out from underneath her.  She leaned back against the wall, her head back, eyes shut tight as she cried.  Not sure what to do, but knowing that I needed to get to her, I swiped a hand at my eyes, and hurried over to her, sinking down next to her.  She kept crying as if I were not even there. "Beth?" I asked quietly.  No answer.  "Beth?  Talk to me. What happened?"

           "What do you care?" she asked bitterly, her eyes still closed.  I reached for her arm, but she pulled it away. "Don’t touch me." She breathed.  I was stunned.

           "I do care, Beth.  Please talk to me." Finally she opened her eyes, and looked over at me.  What I saw there scared me. There was no there there.  Only empty space.

           "Careful, Em.  People might think you have a weird friend or something.  Can’t have that." I jumped back, feeling like I’d been slapped.  All I could do was stare.  She smirked.  "Wow.  Emily Thomas speechless.  Should write this one down."

           "Why are you saying these things?" I asked, my throat tight.

           "It doesn’t matter anymore, Em.  It just doesn’t." she was quiet for a moment, the anger seeming to drain from her like water out of a hose.  She took a deep breath, and leaned her head back against the wall again, staring up at the ceiling. "They’re dropping the Drama department." She said, her voice dull and lifeless.  I glanced over at her, shocked.

           "What?"

           "You heard me." She looked over at me. "That’s it.  Andy was fired this week."

           "Why?" I was stunned.  Drama was everything to Beth.  It was her life.

           "Don’t need it.  Football is so important, you know.  Gotta have that football." She chuckled ruefully. "Bastards."

           "Are you okay, Beth?" I asked, reaching a tentative hand out to touch her arm.  She did not move it away.

           "Do I look okay, Em?" she met my gaze, and my heart broke all over again.  She was struggling.  I could see it in her eyes.  She was dying inside. "That’s all I ever wanted to do.  The only thing that kept me in that fucking place." Her eyes began to well up.  I wanted so badly to pull her to me, but didn’t dare.  There was still that dangerous look that lurked just beneath the surface.  A look that I had never seen before, and definitely had never seen aimed at me.  She spoke again, pulling me from my reverie. "What am I going to do now?  I give a shit about school, and homework, and all that." She looked at me again. "I’m not smart like you, Em.  Brains are your thing.  This is mine.  This is my craft, the one thing that I have that only I can touch.  Only I can feel." Her eyes began to fill in earnest then. "The only time people look at me as if I am something.  Some body." Her face crumbled before my eyes, and she was in my arms in a heartbeat.  I held her as she clung to me, her sobs wracking her body.  Her heart was broken. "That’s all I have, Em.  How can they take it away from me?"

           "I don’t know, honey.  I just don’t know." I whispered into her hair as I rocked her gently back and forth.  I knew that Beth needed the theater like most people needed food.  She would be lost without it.  I closed my eyes as I listened to the labored sounds of her breathing against the backdrop of her tears.  I remained quiet, knowing there was not one thing I could say that would ease her pain.  Finally I felt her pulling away from me.  I let go, and looked over at her.  She ran her fingers over her eyes and then wiped her nose.

           "Please go, Em." She whispered, turning away from me.
 "What?  Beth-"

           "Please?" she turned pleading eyes on me, and I stared long and deep into those two pools of ocean.  Finally I nodded.  I stood, and headed to the door, but turned back to her, my hand on the frame.  She had not moved from the floor.

           "Beth?" I said quietly.  She did not answer, but I knew she was listening. "And you’re wrong.  You don’t need that stage to be somebody.  You’re always a somebody to me."

           I walked through the living room, staring at the mess.  With a sigh I began to pick up the downed chair, and put its cushions back in place.  As I stood, and noticed something slip out from underneath.  A clear plastic bag.   The kind used for sandwiches.  I picked it up, my brows drawn.  I glanced back over my shoulder to see Beth’s door still firmly closed.  Turning back to the bag, I saw the brown flakes all mixed together, along with two tightly rolled, small cigarettes.  Instinctively I knew that this is what Beth had been looking for when she started fighting with Nora.  I was torn.  Not sure what to do.  I held the bag to me for a moment, then began to put it in my Jean’s pocket, determined to get rid of it.  I hated the idea that Beth was doing it.

           I headed toward the front door, but then stopped, taking the bag out of my pocket again.  I turned back toward Beth’s door, stopping in the dark hall just outside her room.  I raised my fist, ready to knock on the door when I heard the melancholy sounds of La Traviata easing out from under it.  I stared at the closed door for a moment, trying to decide what to do.  With a small sigh, I lowered my hand, and turned to see a hamper next to the wall by her door.  I laid the plastic bag down on its top, and headed out of the Sayers’ house.

           I stared up at the dark ceiling, my hands behind my head, Rebecca breathing softly beside me.  It had been a long day, filled with rediscovery, but all the same I could not sleep.  I glanced across the room to the dresser to see that it was almost midnight.  My head snapped to the bedroom door as a quiet knock sounded on it.

           "Emmy?" I heard whispered on the other side.  My mother.

           "Yeah?" I whispered back.  The door slowly opened, the hall light spilling into the room a bit.  She peeked her head in.

           "Midnight tea?" she asked, a slight grin on her face.  I grinned back, and quietly climbed out of bed, careful not to wake up my lover.  We made our way downstairs to the kitchen, and I grabbed the tea bags as my mother filled the kettle, and put it on the stove.

           "I’d forgotten about this." I smiled over my shoulder at her.  She nodded, her back to me as she turned on the stove.

           "It’s been awhile." She turned to me, a package in each hand. "Oreo’s or chocolate chunk?" I pointed to the blue package of Oreo’s, and met her at the table with two paper towels.  We sat across from each other, and began to dig in.  I closed my eyes as my tongue swept up the creamy filling.  It had been so long.

           "Mmmm." I moaned as I bit into the dark cookie.  She smiled as she bit into her own cookie.

           "I told you when you were a kid not to grow up too fast, Emmy.  This is what happens.  You forget about Oreo’s."

           "Yeah." I said quietly, twisting the top off another cookie. "Seems I’ve forgotten all kinds of things."

           The tea pot began to whistle, and I grabbed us a couple of mugs as my mom took the kettle off the burner, pouring hot water into each cup.

           "Do you know what today is?" she asked as she put the kettle back on the burner.

           "Saturday?" I asked, dipping the mint tea bag into the cup, the water slowly turning a light, honey brown, getting darker by the dip.  She raised a brow at me, and I grinned sheepishly.

           "Very good, honey.  I knew I had a smart daughter.  Besides, smart ass, technically it’s Sunday." She poured some sugar into her cup, then the tea bag.  I had always wondered why she did it that way.  She said the sugar got mixed in better.  I say it made the sugar sink to the bottom faster. "No, today is the anniversary of Aunt Kitty’s death." I glanced up at her, my eyes wide.  Wow.  How long had it been?  I mentally did a tally in my head, and came up with eighteen years.  My god.  Almost twenty years ago.  Where does the time go?

           "You keep track?" I asked, sipping to make sure it was strong enough, the minty steam wafting up to tickle my nose, and cause instant perspiration on my forehead.  My mother nodded.

           "I put flowers on her grave every year.  I went this afternoon.  I sat there for awhile, telling her all about Beth.  She always really liked her." She sipped at her tea, scrunching her features as the hot liquid burned her tongue.  I looked at my mother.  She was still a very pretty lady, her blonde hair shorter than when we were kids, but very cute, and looked easy to care for.  Just the slightest bit of gray showing through.  Her green eyes were still bright, but the lines around them were more defined, the smile lines not completely disappearing when she stopped smiling.  If I didn’t know better, I would never had believed she was in her late fifties.

           "I’ve been thinking a lot lately." I said, turning my eyes back to the cookie I was about to eat. "Have you seen Ron lately?"

           "Oh, I see him and is wife around town now and then.  Once he retired from the Air Force, he settled down back here in town.  He’s always very nice.  Once in a while when I go to put flowers on Kitty’s grave, I see some there that are relatively new.  I always wonder if they’re his."

           "Could be." I said, draining my cup, and standing to get more hot water.  I offered the kettle to my mother, but she declined. "He always really loved her." I sat back down and prepared my second cup. "You know, I have not had tea in quite some time." I smiled.  My mother stared at me, her expression incredulous.

           "Say it isn’t so?  You, my little girl, have switched to coffee?" I nodded, and she placed her hand on her chest. "No.  I never thought you would become a traitor.  Didn’t I teach you better than that?" I chuckled.

           "Yes, but I’m afraid coffee keeps me more awake than tea does." We were both quiet as we got lost in our own thoughts.  Then my mother broke the silence.

           "It’s been wonderful.  I’ve been baby-sitting for your brother and Nina now that she’s gone back to work." I smiled up at her, then realized that she had no idea about Rebecca and I.  Time like this I realized just how absorbed I had become in my own life; forgetting that perhaps my family may want to know what we were up to.

           "Rebecca and I are trying." I said quietly, not sure what her reaction would be.  I knew that over time my mother had grown to love and see Rebecca as her own, but this was an entirely different matter.  Not everyone thought gays and lesbians should have children.  Once again I had underestimated my mother.

           "What?  Children?" she asked, her face lighting up like a Christmas tree.  I nodded, still trying not to get my hopes up just yet.  Her eyes immediately filled, and the warmest smile spread across her face. "Oh, honey." She whispered, standing, pulling me to my feet.  I found myself engulfed in a massive hug.  "Oh, baby, why didn’t you tell me?" she gently pushed me away to look into my face.  I smiled and wiped a tear away with my thumb.

           "Well, for one I didn’t know how you would react to it.  What you would think, oomph!" I laughed as I was squeezed again. "Okay, so I take it you’re excited?"

           "Excited?  Honey, I wan as many grandchildren as I can possibly get!’ she pulled away from me again, finally letting me go.  We both sat back down, but she grabbed my hand, holding it within her own.  She leaned over the table to give me her full attention. "How long have you been trying?"

           "Just under a year.  It’s been slow going." She let out a long sigh.

           "How wonderful to try for new life on top of all this death." She gave me a smile that melted my heart, and dashed any remaining doubts or fears. "You two will make such wonderful mothers."

           "I hope so." I muttered.  I had wanted children since I had been a little girl, but with the hours I worked, and the life I had created for myself, I often worried if I had become too selfish for a child  I had never shared those deepest thoughts even with Rebecca, but they were very valid, and very nagging.

           "Oh!" My eyes snapped up to look at my mother who had hopped up from her seat. "I came across the most beautiful picture of you while cleaning the other day." She disappeared into the living room only to return a moment later.  She placed the shot on the table next to my mug.  I grabbed it, holding it up to my eyes.  The caption read: Emmy in deep thought- 1984.  I was bundled up in my dark green winter jacket, standing outside during a cold day.  I was standing on a mountain top, the Rockies covered with snow behind me.  My hair was blowing back from my face, my eyes squinted ever so slightly against the cold breeze.  The expression that I held had my eyes dark green, my brows drawn, posture pensive.

           "Come on, Emmy.  Just smile once for me.  Please?  I gotta leave soon." I had turned quickly to my brother, flashed a wide, fake smile, then turned back to look at the mountains.  I had nothing to smile about that day.  He snapped the camera as I turned away.

           I turned away, not wanting to see Mr. Buckley’s sympathetic smile as I shoved my notebook into my backpack.  I thought if I looked at the young teacher, I would burst out into tears.  I didn’t want to do that in the middle of AP English.  I made my way through the maze of desks, and out into the hall.  Mom had given me the choice of going home, or staying in school.  Whatever would make it easier for me, she had said.

           The halls were empty as it was in the middle of fourth period.  I walked down the long corridor, my backpack slung over one shoulder.  I stared down at the highly polished tile floor, the reflection of the door at the end of the hall making parts of the floor blindingly bright.  It was a surprisingly nice, clear day considering we were in October.

           As I passed the office, headed to senior hall, I glanced inside to see the secretary’s typing away on computer keyboards, or talking on the phone.  Two students sat in the waiting area, waiting to see Mr. Edwards about Saturday school I figured.  One of them stared at me as I passed, his look of curiosity quickly turning to boredom as he glanced back at the Math book that sat in his lap.

           I felt surreal as I walked, the office note still bundled up in my hand.  As soon as the office aid had walked into our classroom, my stomach had lurched.  I had had a bad feeling.  The girl had walked over to Mr. Buckley, handed him the message, then walked out.  My eyes did not leave our teacher as I watched him read the message, and his features fell.  He looked up, glancing around the room until his eyes landed on me.  When he saw he had my attention, he beckoned me to his desk.  With shaky legs, I had stood and somehow managed to walk over to him.  He handed me the note with a gentle pat to the arm.

           I saw my locker just up ahead, and reached out for the lock.  I felt like I was moving in slow motion as I put in my combination, and pulled the lock down with a metallic clang, and grabbed the books I’d need for the homework Mr. Buckley had given me, and closed it back up.  I still did not feel anything.  I just felt numb inside, like someone had reached in and taken out all the important parts in me.  I knew it was just a matter of time before it hit me, but for now I had something to do; get home in one piece.

           I re-zipped my backpack with the added books, and to my surprise, the whole bag fell to that highly polished floor.  I stared dumbly down at it, not sure how it had gotten there, then before I could stop myself, I leaned back against the cold, metal lockers, and slid down until I landed on my butt with a quiet oomph.  I sat there, my legs bent at the knee, hands at my sides on the cool floor, and stared down at my shoes.  I didn’t know what else to do.  Was it real?  Had she finally gone?  Nothing the doctor’s could do?  Donor didn’t arrive in time?  My chin fell to rest against my chest.  My thoughts receded into the darkest part of my mind.  I didn’t want to think about it, but I couldn’t stop thinking.  I didn’t know how long I sat there when somewhere in the real world I heard the sound of soft-soled shoes approaching, stopping just in front of me.

           "Gee.  Looks serious." I imagined the now ever-present smirk on her face, so didn’t even bother to look up. "What, did the captain of the football team dump you, or something?"

           "Go away.  Leave me alone." I muttered.  I did not need this.

           "No.  Guess not.  Maybe the captain of the chess club."

           "I said leave me the fuck alone." I heard the slight pop of bad knee joints as she kneeled down to her haunches.  I glanced up to see surprised blue eyes looking at me.

           "Whoa.  What’s up?" Beth asked, her voice softening.  I did not want to talk to her.  Ever since the incident at her house, she had been a walking zombie, just a shell of who she had been.  There was no life behind those eyes then; only a bitter attitude that she doled out to anyone unlucky enough to evoke it.  I felt like she was lost to me.

           "Please just leave me alone." I said, my voice losing it’s commanding force.  Though I was angry and hurt with Beth, she still represented a source of strength to me.  I did not want to fall into that.  To my dismay she moved over, and settled back against the lockers next to me.  I could feel her intense gaze on me.  I looked over at her, and met her eyes for a moment.  She stared deeply into what felt like my soul.  She must have seen something there as understanding washed over her features, and she opened her arms to me.  Reluctantly I fell against her, my fingers burying themselves into the front of her flannel.  Her arms around me were strong and capable.

           "Ah, Em.  I’m so sorry, honey.  So sorry." She murmured into my hair.  My resolve crumbled as my soul shattered into a million pieces.  She held me, letting me cry.  We had all known it was coming, but you can never be prepared for it, for someone you love to die and leave you all alone on earth without their special brand of importance to you.   Faintly I heard more footsteps, and then voices that were like distant echoes down a long tunnel.

           "What’s wrong with her?" someone asked.

           "Go away." Beth growled low in her throat.

           "How rude!"

           "You deaf?" the footsteps moved quickly away, and I didn’t care.  Beth held on tighter, her hand in my hair, the other holding the back of my neck.  My chest ached as the emotion poured out of me, leaving a wet trail on Beth’s shirt.  My throat felt raw, my face tight with burning eyes.  Finally I was able to get myself under some modicum of control, and pulled away from her.  Beth ran cool fingers over heated cheeks, brushing hair back away from my face that was stuck to the tear trails.  She looked down at me with such tenderness.

           "You okay?" she whispered.  My throat hurt too much to talk, so I nodded.  She smiled. "Give me your keys.  Let’s get out of here."

           "What about your class?" I managed to croak out.  She chuckled lightly.

           "You think I’m out in these halls for my health?  Let’s blow this joint."

           Beth helped me to stand on wobbly legs, and grabbed my backpack, slinging it over her shoulder.  After signing out in the office, I walked out of the building, numbly handing her the keys to my Jeep.  I wondered how my mother was doing.

           My mother had gone up to bed about an hour ago, but I sat there in the kitchen, the light above the sink my only light as I stared out the dark window into the backyard.  The trampoline that Billy and I had had growing up had long since been sold.  The big yard looked so empty without it.  I sipped from my mug of coffee.  Thank god dad drank the stuff, or I would have been out of luck.  The strong, dark taste pushed all need of sleep to the back of my mind.  I felt alert, and needed to walk.

           I bundled up to keep the cold, October night air away, and slipped quietly out of the house.  The street was so quiet, only a far away dog barking now and then.  I stuffed my gloved hands into the deep pocket of my London Fog, and stared up into the sky.  It had a pinkish hue to it, and I could smell snow in the air.  I loved that smell.  I loved the snow.  And I had missed the smell of fresh air that New York doesn’t often offer.  Crisp, clean, clear out the lungs. I breathed in deep through my nose, letting out the breath through my mouth, watching as the crystallized air disappeared into the night.

           I glanced over at the Sayers’ house as I passed it, taking in it’s chipped paint, overgrown grass and bushes along the front of the house.  A truck was in the driveway.  I wondered if it belonged to Nora.  Or did she still even live there?  Then almost in answer, I saw a large puff of smoke rising into the air near the front door that could not be seen from the massive bush that grew in front of it.  I stopped, unsure of what to do.  Then, I retraced my steps, and walked toward the driveway, just enough so I could see who sat smoking.  To my surprise, it was Nora Sayers.  She followed my progress with her eyes, never losing a beat as smoke poured out of her nose and mouth.

           "Mrs. Sayers." I said quietly, standing just at the start of the path that would lead to the front stoop.

           "How ya doing, Emily?" she asked, her voice deep and rough from too many years of hard drinking and smoking.

           "Quite well, thank you." I said, taking a small step forward.  She smiled, the deep lines around her mouth deepening more.

           "I ain’t going to bite, you know." I smiled, and walked up to the porch.  Nora Sayers had always made me incredibly nervous.  Even now as a woman in her mid-thirties, I did not feel comfortable with her. "So I hear you’re some kind of lawyer?" she said, snuffing the half-smoked butt into an ashtray next to her.  I nodded.

           "Yes.  I live in New York, now."

           "Good for you, hon.  I always knew you’d be something special.  Even when you was a kid." The compliment meant nothing to me coming from her.  Why couldn’t she have had as much confidence in her own daughter?  I thanked her anyway. "So, what you doing up so late?" I dug my hands deeper into my pockets, and glanced up at the sky.

           "Couldn’t sleep." She nodded, and stood.

           "I hear you.  Haven’t been able to sleep a wink in about a week." She put a hand on my shoulder, and I got a good look at her.  Nora was younger than my mother, but looked at least ten years older.  Gone was the beautiful woman of my youth.  "Freezing my ass off.  Gonna go try and get some sleep.  Good to see you again, Emily." With that, she headed back into the house. I watched her, and then headed back toward the sidewalk.  She had not mentioned Beth once.  Did she even give a damn?

           I turned right at the end of the Sayers’ drive, not even thinking of a destination, just that I needed to walk.  I gazed at the quiet houses around me, wondering who lived in them, and what they did.  My mother had told me that much of the old neighborhood was gone.  New families moving in every year.  My feet stopped suddenly, and I was not surprised to find myself at the start of the trail to the Bowl.  With a small smile, I headed down the semi-dark trail.  I could have walked back in time, for all I knew.  It looked exactly the same; all the trees on either side of the path, slightly overhanging it, blocking out the moonlight.  As I got closer, I could see the scarce light reflecting off the rippling water of the small pond.  I chuckled to myself when I glanced down at the small body of water.  It had seemed so much bigger to me as a kid.  I walked in a circle, taking in everything around me, my eyes stopping when I saw a small tent in the trees, pictures of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers on the sides.  The circular light from a flashlight lens could be seen through the thin walls.  I grinned, and decided to leave before I scared the occupants to death.

           "What was that, Beth?" I had asked, my green eyes the size of saucers.  My best friend looked around, her eyes just as big.  We could see nothing through the blue walls of our tent, but imagined we could.  She slowly shook her head.

           "Don’t know." She whispered.  Being the brave soul she was, she grabbed up our flashlight, and unzipped the tent flap, crawling out of the small opening.  I sat, holding my breath as I waited for her to come back.  Our first night "camping" at the Bowl, and I had been scared to death.  I had been so glad that Beth had been there.  I knew she could protect me.  I jumped when someone tapped the tent, my breath held in my throat.

           "Beth?" I whispered.  She didn’t answer. "Beth?" I asked again, my voice becoming desperate.  Another thump, and another gasp from me.  Oh no.  Beth was captured, I just knew it.  They were coming for me.  I scrambled onto all fours, and searched for another flashlight when the flap suddenly opened, and Beth’s smiling face looked in at me.  I glared, rolling my eyes at her mischievous look.

           I turned around, heading for the path again when my long coat brushed some bushes.  I grinned as I heard a whispered,

           "What was that?"

           Our time at the Bowl was over.  It belonged to the new generation.   Now all I felt was like an intruder.  A giant who had no place among the little people.  It was a daunting feeling.

           I headed back toward my parent’s house, looking into the street.  That had been where I had learned to ride a bike for the first time, where an endless number of adventures and games of football had been played out.  Where I ran over the mailbox twice.  It all felt so strange, and unknown to me as an adult.  Did everyone feel that way after going home?

           I stood in the darkness of my old room, removing my clothes.

           "Babe?" was quietly whispered.  I turned to the bed.   Rebecca’s head was raised, but I could not see her face.

           "Yeah?" I said, tossing my shirt into the pile on the floor.

           "You okay?"

           "Fine." I walked over to the bed, and crawled under the blankets, feeling her grab me, and pull me to her.  She was warm from being under the blankets, and I snuggled up to her, the chill night air finally getting to me.  With a soft sigh, I closed my eyes.

           The ride over to the church seemed to take forever.  I sat in the backseat of my parent’s car, my hands beginning to sweat in my lap.  I felt a soft touch on my knee, and turned to meet soft, blue eyes.  I tried to return the smile, but if faltered somewhere.  I got an understanding nod instead.  I turned my attention back to the street, and passing cars around us, wishing that I were in any of them, going anywhere but where I was going.

           I ran my hands down my legs to smooth the skirt of my black dress.  The church was cold, I noticed.  I wondered why.  I watched as my parents walked out from the side room, my mother wiping at her eyes with a Kleenex, my father leading her by the elbow toward the sanctuary.  I glanced back to that small room, unsure if I would be able to go in or not.  I felt warmth along my right side, and turned to see Beth, never more than a few inches away from me.  I could see just the barest bit of the shiny, brown casket from the doorway.  I took a deep breath, and took a step forward, then stopped.  My heart was in my mouth, and I couldn’t breath.

           "It’s okay, Em." Beth whispered in my ear.  I leaned back into her a bit, then turned away from the door.

           "I can’t." I murmured

           "It’s okay. You don’t have to." She said, rubbing my back with her hand. "Kitty won’t know the difference, anyway." I turned to look into Beth’s eyes.  She looked so beautiful in her black pant suit.  It was well-fitted, and looked gorgeous on her.  She wore her long hair down, the colors coming in from the stained glass window turning its darkness into brilliant red and blue.  "Let’s just go sit down, okay?"  I nodded, and let her lead me to the sanctuary by my hand.

           I glanced around as I sat in the wingback next to the fireplace. Beth sat on the hearth, her hand on my knee in support.  People talked in that hushed tone that always seemed to befit a funeral.  They balanced plates of food as they looked for a place to sit.  I glanced down at the nearly full cup of bunch that sat my feet.  Beth had been trying all afternoon to get me to eat something, but I couldn’t do it.  She had never left my side.  I wondered if she would ever know just what her presence had meant to me.

           "There’s a lot of people here." Beth said quietly.  I nodded, but said nothing.  It had been a huge funeral.  Usually when one so young dies, it is.  It made me proud to know that my aunt had touched so many people in her short life.  Ron walked out of the kitchen, his black tie loosened a bit, the top button of his shirt open.  He had held it together in the church admirably.  But once we got to the cemetery, he had lost it.  I had watched him, holding on to his brother, Steve as if his life had depended on it.  I don’t think there had been a dry eye as we all watched his anguish, sitting in the front row near her grave.  My father, who had been sitting behind him, had kept one hand on my mother’s shoulder, and the other on Ron’s through the whole ceremony.   Ron glanced over at us, and smiled weakly.   I did the same, but we could both see it in the other’s eyes.

           I looked around our living room, and the last place Aunt Kitty had ever seen.  She had lived with us for just under six months.  I thought back to a week ago, just two days before she had died.

           "Honey, your aunt wants some water.  Will you take this down to her?" my mother had asked as I walked into the kitchen, a long day at school behind me.

           "Sure." I took the small pitcher and glass, and headed downstairs.  I tried to go see my aunt at least once a day, but with the hectic schedule I had, she was usually already asleep.  I walked toward the closed door of my brother’s old room, and quietly pushed it open with my shoulder, both hands full.  My aunt’s head turned slowly, and she smiled when she saw me.  I smiled back. "Hey, you." I said.

           "Hi." She whispered.  It had been rare to hear her talk above a whisper for a month or so.  I set the glass on the side table, and poured water into it, then helped her to drink.  She closed her eyes as the water slid down a parched throat, and smiled a thanks.  It was truly heartbreaking to see her.  She was almost skeletal, her cheeks shrunken in, making already big eyes bulge.  Her hair, which used to be so rich and thick, was dull, looking more like straw. "Have a good day?" she asked, her eyes full of interest.  I nodded.

           "Wasn’t bad.  I had to fill out some more forms today for my scholarship.  That’s such a pain." I sat on the side of her bed, careful not to jostle her too much.

           "I’m so proud of you, Emmy." She breathed, reaching her hand out.  I grabbed it, and held it in my lap, gently caressing the frail skin. "You make me happy seeing you so involved with your life." I smiled, but said nothing. "How’s Beth?" she asked after a moment.

           "I don’t know.  She won’t talk to me." I said, staring off out the window.  So much pain was attached to that name.

           "Don’t let her go, honey." She said, her eyes pleading.

           "I don’t have a choice, Aunt Kitty."

           "Sure you do."

           "How are you doing?" I was snapped out of my reverie by my brother.  I looked up at him with wide eyes.  He grinned.

           "Fine." I said with a nervous smile.  He patted my shoulder, and bent down so he was mere inches away.

           "Listen, Emmy, you need anything, you tell me, okay?" I smiled up at my big brother, and nodded.  He gave me a light peck on the cheek, and walked away.  I looked on as the crowd seemed to be thinning a bit.  Then I looked to the wall above the couch, and saw the family portrait we had taken the fall before.  My gaze met that of my aunt, and I felt my throat clench shut, and the tears just below the surface.

           "Are you okay, Em?" Beth whispered, squeezing my knee.  I bowed my head, taking deep breaths so I wouldn’t lose it again.  I was so tired of crying. "Em?" I couldn’t answer. "Come on." I felt myself being pulled to my feet, and blindly I followed as Beth pulled me by my hand.  We walked through the crowd of people, headed toward the stairs.  My father was coming down as we started to go up.  He stopped, as did we.  I nearly ran into Beth’s back.  My father recovered his surprise, and glanced down at our joined hands, then his eyes traveled up to meet my eyes.  I couldn’t read his expression.

           "Is everything okay?" he asked.

           "Em’s getting upset again.  I’m taking her upstairs so she can calm down." Beth answered, her head raised defiantly, her protective mode kicking in to my father’s speculative gaze.  He nodded, and walked on.  I next found myself in my room.  Beth let go of my hand, and went to the bathroom to return a moment later with a warm washcloth.  I stood in the middle of my room, my shoulders slumped, my eyes feeling so heavy.  I just wanted to lay down and sleep.  Forever.

           "Here." I looked up to find Beth standing in front of me, the washcloth in her hand.  I ignored the cloth, and collapsed into her. "Whoa." She breathed, nearly toppling over backward.  She wrapped her arms around me, holding me tight as I felt my emotions rise, and spill over my reserve.  I cried like I had never cried before.  I was crying for my aunt.  I was crying for Beth.  I was crying for me.  I was crying for all that could be, but never would.  Soon, to my surprise I felt Beth’s body shaking against mine as she cried her own tears, for her own reasons.  My tears almost immediately dried up in my concern for her.  I rested my face against the warm skin of her neck as she did mine, and rubbed my hands up and down her back, raising to play in her hair, then back down to soothe across the wide expanse of her shoulders.  The sensations under my fingertips were amazing.  I felt her pull even closer as her tears slowed, finally dying altogether.

           We stood where we were, just holding each other, our bodies swaying slightly.  I closed my eyes as I felt utterly content.  Being in Beth’s arms like that was like coming home.  I needed to feel her, to know she was still with me.  I opened my eyes only to close them again as I felt warm lips against my neck.  I buried my face deeper into her, intoxicated by her smell.  The lips moved up to my ear, warm breath tickling the flesh there.  I heard my name barely whispered.  I raised my head ever so slightly, why, I did not know.  It was almost on instinct, or as if my body had gained a mind all it’s own.  My fingers found their way into thick, dark hair, leading somehow.  I felt hands on my back, running down lower with every caress, my lower body on fire, begging to be next.  The lips moved from my ear to my throat, my head arching back even more.  Those roaming hands found their way to my side, moving up my ribs up to the sides of my breasts, gentle thumbs exploring over increasingly sensitive areas.  Another hand found its way down some more, cupping one side of my butt, pulling me ever closer to the warmth.  Eyes still closed, my lips opened for what I sensed was coming.  I felt those warm lips move up my throat, over my chin, and finally finding mine.  I leaned into her as a sigh escaped me, and I gave in to the pressure against my mouth, willing it to crush me, eat me alive.  The softest touch of a tongue ran over my lip, and my own tongue reached out, desperate to touch, and invite.  Beth groaned deep in her throat as she filled me, her hand on the back of my head to bring me in as much as possible.  I was being barraged by sensation when I was pulled from my world with the soft knocking on my bedroom door.

           "Emmy?" I pulled away from Beth, my chest heaving.  Her cheeks were stained red, as I had no doubt mine were.  I stared at her, backing up a step to put some distance between us.

           "Yes?" I managed to call out.

           "You okay?" Billy asked. "Sorry to bother you, but dad asked me to come up and check on you." I closed my eyes and swallowed hard.

           "I’m fine." I blurted out.  I could hear my brother’s steps as he walked away.  I could not look away from Beth as I stood there, realization of what had just happened, and what could have happened set in.  Her eyes began to wonder, looking at anything but me.  She reached into her jacket pocket, bringing out a hairband.  With shaking hands, she began to pull her long hair back away from her face.

           "Why did you do that?" I finally breathed.  Blue eyes darted to meet mine.   She stared at me for a moment.

           "Why did you let me?" she asked, her voice quiet, calm.  Deadly calm.

           "I didn’t." I ran my hands through my hair, my heart still pounding.

           "Well, I sure as hell didn’t force you." Her voice dropped yet another octave.

           "Damnit, Beth!  I’m not into that!" I yelled.  My panic was quickly turning to guilt, which was quickly turning to anger.  At who?

           "Then maybe you shouldn’t have started something you didn’t want." She growled, her eyes on fire.  I met her gaze dagger for dagger.

           "I was vulnerable.  You, you took advantage of that.  I-"

           "I don’t have to hear this shit." She took a step toward the door, then turned to look over her shoulder. "Especially not from you."

           "Get out, Beth.  Get out and don’t come back." My voice was shaking.  I couldn’t believe I had just said that. I couldn’t breath.  She turned slowly to fully face me, searching my face to see my sincerity.  She must have seen something that she didn’t like.  She took a deep breath, adjusting her shoulders as if she had just been slapped.

           "Later." She said, her voice barely audible, and she turned to open the door, closing it with a soft click behind her.

           I stood where I was, staring at the door in shock.  What had just happened?  A wave of nausea raced through me, and I hurried over to the bed, plopping down face first as the tears came yet again that day.

  PART 7

           I SQUIRMED IN MY chair again. The hard seat was making my butt and back ache. I blew out a long breath, readjusting my hat as the speaker droned on and on. Who cares! Just give us our damn diplomas, already. I reached down and played with the gold cord around my neck, and looked around. My fellow graduates looked just as bored as I felt. I was sitting in the front row, so couldn’t look around too much. Mr. Edwards had already given the guy next to me the evil eye for not paying attention.

           I snapped out of my dazed reverie when I heard our speaker finally say,

           "And now we will begin to call our graduates of the class of nineteen eighty four, honored with a gold cord, earning a grade point average of three point seven to four point oh."

           Yippy. About time. I sat up straight, and smoothed out my gown. Our row would be first to be called. At the signal, we all stood, waiting in line as one by one we were called up.

           "Emily Jane Thomas! Three point nine-five." I smiled and walked up onto the stage, feeling like a million bucks. I shook the principals hand as he handed me my diploma, and headed toward the ramp that would take me back to my seat. As I stepped back onto the auditorium floor, I searched the audience, seeing my parents and Billy, and his new girlfriend, Nina. My eyes quickly trailed over the other people around them, recognizing some of my friend’s parents, but not seeing who I was looking for. I knew she wouldn’t come, but I had hoped in the deepest part of me. I think I saw it like some movie where the heroine was surprised as the valiant knight rode up on his white horse, forgiving the naïve maiden. Fact was, I hadn’t seen Beth since the day she moved out of her mother’s house. That had been back in early November. I had no idea where she had gone, or if she would ever forgive me.

           I took my seat, and tried to look interested as everyone else went up to receive their prize for four years of study. My heart cracked just a bit when I heard them say,

           "Toby Elliot Samson. Erika Lynn Serky." No Beth Sayers. Then, never had I heard of a high school drop out getting a diploma.

           I was getting more and more frustrated by the day. I was bored out of my mind! The longer I sat at home, the more admiration I had for my mother, staying home all these years. I sat at the kitchen table, the Pueblo Chieftain spread out in front of me. I scanned the Classified section, looking over the help wanted section. My parents had told me I should enjoy this last summer before heading off to college, but I had had enough joy, and was ready to start feeling productive again. With a sigh I scanned the page with my finger, looking over the tons of babysitting jobs. Not interesting. I didn’t really know what I was looking for, per se, but I decided that since I was one of the those lucky kids who didn’t have to work that summer, I was going to do just what I wanted to do.

           My eyes suddenly stopped in their search. I squinted, drawing my brows to make sure I was reading right. Hot damn!

           Help wanted in private law firm of Monica Nivens. Secretarial, must be able to type, file, etc. Some training preferred.

           I couldn’t believe it. I knew absolutely nothing about secretarial work, but to work for a law firm. And I had no idea that my neighbor had her own firm. I was even more impressed than I had been with her as a child.

           I unbuckled my seat belt, and glanced over at the building with a deep, nervous breath. Gathering my wits with my resume, I climbed out of the Jeep, and headed toward the darkly tinted, glass double doors. The Nivens law firm shared space with another lawyer that I didn’t remember the name of. There was a single receptionist desk in the middle of the small, well air-conditioned lobby. A woman sat at the desk, her brows drawn as she concentrated on a form in front of her.

           I walked up to the desk, looking around, waiting for the woman to notice me. She didn’t seem to feel the need, so I cleared my throat. Her head snapped up, as if I had surprised her, and she looked at me questioningly.

           "Hello." I smiled. She still looked at my questioningly. "I’m here to see Monica Nivens." I told her, and got no reaction from her at all. "Um, she is a lawyer here?" maybe if I explained it to her a bit better she’d pretend to be helpful.

           "Yeah, that way." She said, pointing a long-nailed finger as she turned her attention back to her form. I followed her finger, and saw another darkly-tinted glass door. In white letters was stenciled: Monica J. Nivens. Attorney at law. A feeling of awe washed through me. Wow! A real lawyer. I was so excited.

           I walked to the door, feeling very nervous for reasons that I couldn’t figure out. I pushed it open, and stepped inside a nice office done in maroons and dark greens. Two chairs sat against the wall by the door. A single desk was across the room, a computer set up on it, and tons of paperwork scattered across top. No one was sitting behind it, however. I looked around, confused. Then a door in a short hall off to the left opened, and a man looking to be in his early twenties, stepped out with a cup of coffee. He looked up and nearly threw the cup into the air. He closed his eyes and put his hand on his chest.

           "My god, you scared me." He walked over to the desk, and set the cup down, then turned back to me. "Do you have an appointment?" he asked, dabbing at his tie with a Kleenex. "I guess it’s a good thing brown is in this year." He muttered.

           "Sorry about that." I smiled, hoping that I didn’t feel quite as stupid as I felt. "Um, I saw the ad in the paper for-"

           "Oh, yeah. Right." He sat behind the desk and sipped from the coffee, wrinkling his nose and setting the cup down. "She keeps making it this strong, she’ll have more hair on her chest than I do." I grinned as he looked around for a pen.

           "How about the one there?" I asked, pointing to my ear. He looked up at me, reaching up to feel the Bic behind his ear. He rolled his eyes, and began to write.

           "Okay, sweetie, what’s your name?’

           "Emily Thomas."

           "Emily Thomas," he murmured as he wrote it down. "Okay. Wait here. Oh, give me your resume." He reached his hand out, and I handed him the paper that would tell Monica that I had absolutely no useable experience whatsoever. The man walked off toward another door in the hall, disappearing behind its dark paneling. I sat in one of the chairs against the wall, and crossed my legs. I felt very self-conscious in my summer dress. I rarely wore them, was told I looked good in them, and figured this was definitely an occasion for one. I smoothed out the skirt as I waited.

           "Hon?" my head snapped up to see the man from the desk standing in the doorway to what I assumed was Monica’s office. He smiled and waved me over.

           "Thanks." I said as I passed him. He shut the door behind me, and I turned to look around. The office itself wasn’t that big, but the space it did have was used well. The colors were like that in the reception area, maroons and dark greens. Surprisingly masculine motif. Sitting behind the large cherrywood desk was Monica Nivens. My neighbor. I stood by the door, my arms crossed in front of me, and stared at her. She wore her dark hair very short. Certainly shorter than I had ever seen it, but it was very complimentary to her thin face, and dark eyes. She wore a red pant suit that made for a striking contrast between her dark features and pale skin. She was beautiful.

           "Hello there, Emily." I jumped, started from my appraisal to look into amused dark eyes. "Come on in. I really don’t intend to yell across my office at you." I smiled nervously, and sat in one of the two chairs that were placed before her desk. She looked so professional, so regal sitting there with her elbows on the desk blotter, her fingers steeped under her chin. I noticed a pair black rimmed reading glasses sitting on a manila file.

           "Hi." I said, feeling rather stupid.

           "It’s been quite a while." She said.

           "Yes." I answered intelligently. Always impressed with my own communication skills.

           "Well," she said, grabbing my resume from between her elbows that had been resting on the desk. "I have to be honest here, Emily. You really have no experience." She smiled at me. I nodded, feeling really stupid. "And to be honest, the paper was supposed to take that add out on Friday. The job’s been filled."

           "Oh." I said, my heart sinking. "Well, thank you for seeing me." I smiled, and began to stand.

           "Hold on a sec." She said, sitting back in her chair, studying me. "You still intend to go to school for law?" she asked conversationally. I nodded enthusiastically.

           "Yes. I got a scholarship to CU. Four year." She raised her brows, obviously impressed.

           "Good for you, Emily. It’s a good school." She said with a wink, having graduated from Boulder herself. "Listen, I love to see young people follow their dreams, so I’ll tell you what. I have a really big case I’m working on right now, and could really use an assistant. Would you be interested? Could show you a bit of the ropes." My eyes lit up, and I felt my chest puff out with pride. Was she serious? God, please let her be serious.

           "Absolutely!" I said, leaning forward in my chair.

           "Great." She smiled, pleased. "I can’t pay you much."

           "Oh, that’s no problem!" I exclaimed, probably a little too much get go in that one. "To me the experience is priceless." I smiled. Okay, was I trying to win a beauty pageant, or get this job? I had always had so much admiration for Monica, and the thought of actually working with, and learning from her was almost too much.

           I walked through the door of my house as if I were walking on a cloud. Nothing could burst my bubble. I flipped through the pieces of mail in my hand as I headed into the kitchen to get some iced tea when my brows drew, and I tossed the other stuff on the table. Let my mother worry about those later. I saw the heading in the top left hand corner, and recognized it as letters Aunt Kitty used to get from the doctor. I plopped down on one of the kitchen chairs, and slid my finger under the flap, ripping it open. The neatly folded letter came out easily, and I covered my mouth with my hand as I read. I dropped my hands, along with the letter, into my lap, and stared out the window over the sink. I could feel my throat tighten, and immediately tears sprang to my eyes.

           "Hey, honey." My mom said as she brushed by with a large trash bag from gathering trash around the house. When I didn’t answer, she turned to me. "Emmy? You okay, babe?" I handed the letter to her, my eyes looking on numbly ahead of me.

           "Apparently someone does not keep their records updated very well." I said quietly. My mother took the letter, setting the bag on the floor. She read over it, her brows drawn in concentration, then her face paled and fell. She gently laid the paper on the table, walked over to the sink, her shoulders slumped as she rested her weight on her arms.

           "Now they want to give Kitty a kidney." She breathed. I walked over to her as she began to quietly cry. I laid my hands on her arms, resting my chin on her shoulder.

           "You okay, mom?" I asked, swallowing back my emotions so I wouldn’t upset her anymore. She nodded.

           I sat in the driver’s seat, still parked outside my parent’s house, and checked the address that I had been given one last time. Greenwood. Nice area. Impressed, I turned the key in the Camry, and pulled away from the curb. As I drove I looked around the city. My mother had told me about how much Pueblo had been growing over the past five or so years, and she was certainly right. As I looked, I saw so many businesses and neighborhoods that had not been there when I had been a kid. After the big quake in California, people had left the state in droves, and many of them had found new homes in Colorado. Why not? The economy was booming, and Pueblo seemed as good a place to them as any other. They were settling down there, and opening new businesses, or expanding on the one they’d had back on the coast. New York had become my home, but all the same, it felt good to be in a place where you knew you would always be welcome.

           I drove by the my old high school, and smiled at the cars in the parking lot. Sunday practices for whatever. A line of yellow buses unloaded kids from a returning sporting event. It all seemed so long ago, like another life time ago. In many ways it was.

           I hoped my slacks and simple button-up shirt would do the trick. Monica had told me to dress dressy-casual. Whatever that meant, so I had come up with this. I parked in the back lot where she had told me to, cutting the engine, and readying myself for my first day as an assistant.

           "Okay," Richard, the office manager said as he gave me the "grand tour". "This is where she keeps all the files. They are all in order by last name. Each case is given a number." He pulled one of the manila folders from a filing cabinet, and showed me the number and the name printed on the front. He opened the folder, and showed me the file. "This woman here, she is a total loser." He said, looking very serious as he eyed the details. "Now, don’t do what I’m doing right now, because A. Monica gets really, really mad. And B. It’s really, really illegal." I grinned and followed as we walked from the file room where the copy machine and coffee machine’s were, and we continued on to his desk in the reception area. "This is my desk, is you hadn’t figured that out by now. I answer all the phones, make appointments, yadda, yadda. Any questions about anything other than law stuff, ask me, not Monica. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a great boss with fabulous taste in clothes, but she has absolutely no clue what goes on here, or how to run this place." He stopped to take a break, and a sip from his coffee, his finger reaching up to put a perfectly placed piece of blonde hair back in place. "She’d be lost without me."

           "Oh, really?" I jumped, turning to see Monica walking into the office with her briefcase. She had a brow quirked, and a grin on her face. "Don’t listen to a word he says, Emily. He’s usually full of it, anyway."

           "Am not." He said, his hand on his hip with an incredulous look on his handsome face.

           "Jack, I need you to pull the Reed case, please?" Monica didn’t wait for an answer. As she breezed by his desk, she dropped a white bag, which made Jack’s blue eyes widen, and headed off into her office. I stayed where I was, not sure what I was supposed to do. Jack jerked toward Monica’s office, then back to me. Getting it, I followed.

           Monica waited for me at her door, holding it open for me, then closing is behind her. I stood in the center of the room, waiting for her to tell me what I was supposed to do. She walked over to her desk, her black suit well-fitted, high heels sinking into the thick carpet.

           "Jack is a pain in the ass, but I’d be lost without him." She finally said, plopping down into her chair. I sat in the chair I had been in the day before during my interview. She ran her fingers through short, dark hair, and sighed. "Okay, well did he give you a basic tour of the place?" she asked, sitting forward in her chair with her fingers steeped again.

           "Yes. He showed me the file room-"

           "Ah, yes. Where he goes through and reads the cases and pretends that I don’t know?" I stared at her, not sure is she were joking or not. She cracked the slightest bit of a smile, giving me permission to share in the joke.

           "Exactly. He showed me how the front is ran."

           "Good. Okay." She opened her briefcase and removed her reading glasses and a pen, and a stack of folders, then placed it on the floor under her desk. "Here’s the deal,"

           Monica went on to explain that she was working on a case for a Mrs. Rhoda Mills. Mills was suing her husband for domestic violence, and also to get a restraining order against him for herself and their eleven year old daughter, citing suspicion of sexual abuse. I listened, transfixed, as my new boss outlined what she had already done in the case, and what still needed to be done in order to go to court in two weeks. We would have a lot of research still to do.

           "How good are you at research?" she asked. I looked up from the case I had been reading.

           "Really good at it." She nodded and smiled.

           "Excellent. You’ll be doing a lot of it here. By time you go off to college you’ll either love it or hate it."

           I decided to take the long way, driving through the park, watching families as they laughed and played together. The smells of hamburgers and hot dogs on the grills wafted through the open windows of the rental car. I smiled as I watched children chase each other, or the volleyball nets that had been set up. I braked as I saw a big red ball roll out into the narrow lane of the park road. A man waved as he hurried in front of the car to grab it, then ran back onto the grass to lecture a careless child of the dangers. It seemed as if all was well in the world.

           "Where the hell is my wife!" a man’s voice screamed out. I glanced up from my work to look at Monica with questioning eyes. She had already been pulling her reading glasses off her nose, and glancing at the closed door.

           "Sir, you need to calm down."

           "Get your goddamn hands off me! Rhoda! Rhoda, where the fuck are you?" the voice was getting closer to us in the office, and the sound of the file room door banging open made me jump. Monica sighed deeply, and stood from her desk, her face like stone. A moment later her office door swung open. In the doorway stood a large man with a hanging belly, and greasy baseball cap over graying hair. His face was red from the his upset, his eyes like those of a shrew. He looked around the room, his gaze stopping on me for a moment, before roaming over to Monica. "Which one a you is that Nivens bitch?" he asked, the stench of his breath reaching to me, whiskey prevalent enough to make me feel sick.

           "Sir, you have no right to be in here." Monica said, her voice even, and calm. I had no clue how she was keeping herself together. My knees were beginning to knock. He glared at her.

           "Where’s my wife?" the man growled.

           "I’m not your wife’s babysitter, sir. I am her attorney." He bared crooked, stained teeth, taking a step forward. Monica did not move an inch, crossed her arms over her chest. "You must know this behavior will not help your case any." She pointed out. He stopped, looked slightly confused, but then the anger returned to his face. "Jack, call the police for Mr. Mills." She said, raising her voice enough for Jack to hear, never losing eye contact with the man. Ronald Mills understanding the implications of his being there. He took a step out of the office.

           "You tell that bitch Rhoda that she will never take Carrie away from me." He growled, taking another step back.

           "You can tell her yourself in court. Good day, sir." Mills stared at her for a moment before with a breath of disgust, walked out of the office. I glanced over at my boss, my eyes as big as saucers. Monica turned away from the door, her fingers at her temples. I could tell she was shaken up, and was trying to get herself under control.

           "You were brilliant." I finally breathed. Monica chuckled ruefully.

           "That is one thing they don’t teach you in law school. How to deal with irate husbands. I really thought he was going to pull a gun, or something." She turned toward me, perching on the edge of her desk, her hands still slightly shaking.

           "Well, you were great. I can’t believe you were able to talk him down like that." My admiration had grown by leaps and bounds. Monica glanced down at her watch, then clapped her hands together.

           "Well, I don’t know about you, but I could use a break." She smiled at me, and I returned it eagerly. "What do you say to some lunch?"

           Jack had other lunch plans, so we found ourselves out in the historic district of Pueblo on B Street, sitting at an outside café. I ran my hands through my hair, pulling it back away from my face. It was a hot day, and days like that I understood the inclination to chop the hair. I looked across the small, round table at my boss. She picked at her salad, taking a bite now and then. I stared down at my own plate, the cheeseburger and fries long gone.

           "Are you okay?" I asked. Monica glanced up at me, and nodded.

           "Yeah. That just shook me up." She set her fork down, and sat back in the wrought iron chair. "You know, I try and do so much for this community. When I finished my four years of college, then headed into law school, I had the typical idealism of youth and being naïve." She took a drink from her ice water. "I really thought I could make a difference, you know?"

           "But you do." I said. She chuckled quietly.

           "Oh, Emily. I look at you, and I see myself all over again."

           "Do you regret it? Going into law?" I stirred my straw around my Coke before taking a sip. Monica was quiet for a moment as she thought of her answer. Then with a sigh she shook her head.

           "No. I don’t."

           We talked for another hour, and she told me all about law school, and what I had too look forward to after my pre-law degree. I ate up every word, excitement soaring through me. I wanted to move on with my life, get away from the life of my childhood. What my age couldn’t tell me then was that those would be some of the best years, the years that I would return to in my mind.

           I pulled the Camry to a stop at a stop light, and tapped the wheel with my fingers as I waited for it to turn green. A large part of me was glad to be back home, though it would have been better under different circumstances, obviously. I shook my head as I realized that my twenty year class reunion was coming up in a few years. I never went to my ten year. At the time, it seemed pointless. Now, I wasn’t so sure.

           I realized as I began to drive again, that I had through my arrogance, thought that nothing pre-New York mattered. When in retrospect, everything pre-New York had shaped me into the woman I had become. I think now and then we all need a good lesson like that, as painful as it may be at the time.

           As the weeks went by I realized just how much research Monica had been talking about that first day. Was she ever wrong. There was not just a lot of research, there was a ton of it. I did not mind after while, after I got passed the overwhelmed feeling, that is. I found out that during law school I would have to have some time in as an intern, and this could take up some of that slack. I was thrilled. Monica was the most amazing person to work for, She was tough, but extremely fair and very generous. And, to my surprise, was a lot of fun.

           I stared up at the dark ceiling of my bedroom, tired from another long night of depositions. After we’d left the office, Monica and I had headed to her small house over on Park. We set up the Burger King we’d bought on the carpet, and went to work, trying to find every angle of the case we’d need. She went over every point line for line with me so I would understand the ins and outs. I was impressed with Monica’s extensive knowledge, and the way her mind worked. She had already told me that I could go to court with her the following Thursday so I could see how this case, that I had worked so hard on, was fought. It was a simple custody case, but nonetheless, I was buzzing with excitement and anticipation. My first real case to witness, and I would get to sit at the table with Monica and her client as her assistant. She had told me that after the trial, she had a surprise for me.

           I glanced out my window as a car passed outside, the headlights shining across the ceiling like an apparition. I hugged my trusty teddy, Ruffles to my chest as my gaze landed on the overhead light. I thought about my new boss. I wondered if she was married, which I doubted, or had a boyfriend. I had sort of brought it up one day, and she had made pretty plain that the subject was off limits. I wondered why? Was it too painful to discuss? Had she been through a really terrible break-up? I grinned as I realized I sounded like one of Beth’s stories. Beth. It had been so long since I’d seen her. I’d heard through the grapevine of the neighborhood that she’d gotten some job, though what, I had no idea, and was doing the community theater. That part I did not doubt at all. I hoped she was happy. Beth deserved a bit of happiness after such an unhappy childhood.

           That old saying, don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone, really made sense to me that night. I realized just how much I had taken Beth for granted, thinking that she’d always be there. But wasn’t that what she had always said? I would be nineteen in a few days, and Beth would soon follow in October. We were growing up.

           I sat at the table, digging anything out what Monica asked for. She was brilliant, pleading her case to show why Laura Martinez should have custody of her daughter, and not the father, Jose Sanchez. I watched the judge, and the jurors to see how they responded to her. They watched with interest, and sometimes out and out awe. This was definitely what I wanted to spend the rest of my life doing, and where I wanted to be. Monica Nivens was a sight to behold. My eyes trailed over her well cut suit, the way the gray, pin-stripped skirt clung to her hips, the jacket dipping in at the waist, then flaring out at the shoulders and bust. She wore a silk blouse underneath, and a simple silver chain around her neck to match the small, silver hoops in her ears. I gazed back down to her legs, long, shapely, and ending in sleek, black heels. She was beautiful.

           I was shaken from my thoughts by her low voice, asking for her notes. I shook my head to shake myself out of my daze, and handed her the yellow legal pad. She grinned, and turned back to her witness. I tried my best to concentrate on what was going on, but could not help but watch her every move. I mean, I admired and wanted to be like her some day. I should look. Right?

           Monica was elated as we walked out of the court room, her client right next to her. They laughed, and talked, and Miss. Martinez thanked her over and over again for helping to get her daughter, Maria back under her roof. Monica was gracious, and kind.

           "Please take care of her, Laura." She said softly, taking the younger woman’s hand in hers as we waited for the elevator doors to open. Laura Martinez nodded enthusiastically.

           "Of course, of course!" she said in her heavily accented English, then her happiness seemed to fade. She looked down at the floor. "Miss. Nivens, I talked with my father this morning, and he is not going to be able to get the money." She looked up at Monica with tear-stained cheeks. "Will you let me make payments to you?" Monica patted her hand and smiled.

           "Tell you what, Laura. You just concentrate on your daughter right now, okay?" the young woman’s eyes widened, as did her mouth.

           "What are you saying?" she breathed, her dark eyes filled with hope, and disbelief.

           "I’m saying, concentrate on you and little Maria." The small woman gasped, and grabbed Monica in a tight, crushing hug. Monica smiled, surprised, and hugged the sobbing woman back.

           "Oh, thank you, thank you! I pray for you." Monica slowly pulled away and smiled down at her.

           "That works for me."

           I stood off to the side, not wanting to intrude upon such a touching moment. I looked from one to the other, my smile a mile wide. I could not believe Monica had just waived her fees. All that work for what? That question was answered when I saw the happiness on the young mother’s face when her two year old daughter was brought to her by the bailiff. I knew from the case file, and what we’d heard in court that day, that the woman had been through enough with the father, and his family, and just needed some peace with her daughter.

           "Come on." I was yanked from my thoughts by a hand on my arm, and a voice in my ear. I looked up to see Monica standing in the elevator cage. I hurried in after her. As the doors closed, I turned to her.

           "I can’t believe you did that. I thought that sort of thing only happened on Matlock, or Perry Mason." She chuckled, switching her briefcase from her left hand to her right.

           "Well, sometimes you have to do what’s right instead of what’s popular." She pushed the button that would take us to the lobby of the courthouse, and then turned back to me. "Tell you what, Emily, why don’t you go on home, get ready, then I’ll pick you up at your house in an hour, okay?" I nodded. What on earth did she have planned?

           I climbed into my Jeep outside of Monica’s office, and blew out a breath. I was surprisingly tired. I think it had been more of an emotionally tiring day as opposed to anything physical I did; which was next to nothing. I switched on the ignition, and smiled as Wham began to sing, "Wake me up, before you go-go, instead of hanging me on like a yo-yo," I sang along as I pulled out of the parking lot, and headed home, a smile on my face.

           I gave my mother a brief description of the trial as she sat on my bed, watching me finish up with my hair, getting ready to go with Monica. My mother listened, and asked questions. She had been so thrilled when I’d told her where I’d be working, and what I was doing.

           "There’s a client that we’re sort of worried about, though." I said, as I tucked my shirt in, and stuck my comb in my back pocket. My mother looked at me strange.

           "Honey, why are you taking a comb with you when you have enough hairspray in there to keep a small community together?" I shrugged and looked into the mirror, patting my feathered bangs down.

           "I don’t know. Guess it just looks cool." I watched her reflection in the mirror as she shook her head in confusion. Parents. They never understood anything about fashion.

           "So, tell me about the client you’re worried about."

           "Oh!" I turned to face her, my face colored with excitement. "Well, we have this client who’s name is, well, actually I can’t tell you that. Confidentiality." I said, feeling rather important that I knew something my mother didn’t. I was slightly irritated when I saw her try to hide a small grin. What was so funny? "Well, anyway, so this client is trying to get their little girl away from the father who is a complete monster. Just two weeks ago he barged into the office, and threatened Monica. The man’s crazy!" I turned back to the mirror as I put on my lip gloss, smacking my lips together. "The wife is afraid of what he might do. I know Monica is really worried about it."

           "Wow. Sounds exciting." My mother said, leaning back on her hands. I looked at her with wide eyes, and nodded.

           "It is." She smiled, and cocked her head to the side a bit.

           "Where are you going tonight, honey?"

           "Monica has some sort of surprise for me. Don’t know what’s up."

           "Oh.’ She said, looking down at her hands as she sat up, entwining her fingers together. I drew my brows together.

           "Why?" I asked, grabbing my purple, Velcro wallet, and sticking it into my pocket.

           "Well, It’s just that it’s your birthday, and you’re never home lately. I know me and dad aren’t as exciting as Monica, but I thought you might want to spend some time with us." She looked up shyly at me, then looked back down to her hands. I stared at her dumbly. Not spend time with Monica? It had never even occurred to me. I sighed. Try and be diplomatic, Em.

           "I’m sorry, mom." I walked over to her and sat on the bed next to her. "If she hadn’t already made plans for us, I would stay home. Tell you what," I put my arm around her shoulders, "Tomorrow is Saturday, and I don’t have to work, so why don’t you and me go down to the mall, and just window shop all day like we used to? We can even go into that music store, and laugh at all those crazy groups coming out." She looked at me and grinned slightly, nodding.

           "Okay." I smiled back.

           "Thanks, mom." I gave her a quick hug when I heard the doorbell. I shot up from the mattress, nearly knocking my mother off the bed. "She’s here." I was running out the door when my mother stopped me.

           "Emmy?" I turned back to her, my hand on the door frame.

           "Yeah?"

           "I’m so proud of you, honey. Have a good time." I smiled, and raced down the stairs.

           I jumped into Monica’s white Jeep Cherokee with a smile, and glanced over at her. My eyes were nailed to the spot.

           "Wow." I breathed. "You look really good." I muttered, then blushed deeply. I hadn’t meant to say that out loud as I looked at her red tank top that showed off trim, well-tanned shoulders and arms. That simple silver chain still around her neck, a good contrast against her skin tone. She wore Jean shorts, and sandals. Her short, dark hair was clean and shiny, and combed back. She smiled.

           "Thanks. So do you." I smiled, and looked down at my own T-shirt and shorts. I felt like just a kid next to her graceful countenance. She backed us out of the driveway, and we were off.

           "So where are we going?" I asked, reaching my arm out of the open passenger window so I could try and catch the breeze. She shook her head with a smile, her eyes fixed firmly on the road ahead of us.

           "Not going to tell you. However, we do have a quick stop to make. Is that okay?" she turned briefly to me before her eyes darted back to the road.

           "Fine by me." I said calmly, but inside I was jumping for joy. Monica made me feel so important, as if what I said really mattered, and she saw me as an equal, not as some kid. I felt a smile spread across my face as I stared out into the early evening, everything turning gold as the sun went down.

           "And now, a big hit for Rick Springfield, ‘Jesse’s Girl.’" I turned back to see that she was messing with the radio, about to change the channel.

           "No, wait. I love that song." She put her hand back on the steering wheel as the car was filled with the song about a guy who had fallen in love with his best friend’s girlfriend.

           We jammed to the song as we passed through downtown, and headed toward Santa Fe Avenue, and a back road that I had never seen before. I looked around. The small building was low to the ground as if it were hiding from something, a few cars littering the dirt parking lot. Monica pulled up in front of the building, and cut the engine. Turning to me she smiled.

           "This will only take a sec." She said.

           "Wait, I want to go in with you." I said, looking through the windshield at the building seeing a Budweiser sign in a window. Hmm. Must be a bar of sort. Monica’s face darkened slightly.

           "Uh, well, are you sure?" she asked, her voice slightly nervous. My curiosity was definitely piqued then. I nodded enthusiastically.

           "Yup."

           "Okay. Come on."

           We walked toward the door of the place, a piece of wood painted black, and nearly were bowled over by someone coming out.

           "Monica! Where you been, girl?" I looked up, and up to the tallest man I had ever seen, his dark skin like polished onyx. He was extremely thin with very feminine features, chiseled cheek bones, and straight, white teeth. I squinted as I stared up at him. Was he wearing eye make-up?

           "Hi, Magenta!" Monica exclaimed, succumbing to the massive bear hug. I watched on. Magenta? They parted, and the large man looked over at me.

           "Who’s this precious young thing?" he asked, extending a long, narrow, yet surprisingly elegant hand for me to shake. As I slowly pumped our hands up and down I noticed that he had his nails painted a deep pink. What the hell?

           "This is Emily. She’s working for me for the summer." Monica explained proudly. Magenta nodded with a bright smile.

           "Well, it’s sure nice to meet you, sweets." He let go of my hand and turned back to my boss. "Sweetheart, I’d love to chat with you, but I must be going. You need to come in some time. We miss you, girl." He said dramatically with an affectionate pat on Monica’s shoulder.

           "I will. I’ve been so busy lately."

           "Well, catch you two cuties later." He said with a wink, and walked past us, out into the parking lot. I glanced over my shoulder as I watched him sashay to his car, then turned back to Monica to meet amused dark eyes.

           "Come on, Emily." She chuckled, holding the door open for me. I walked ahead of her, looking around as I did. The place was dim, but obviously not open for business. As I looked at the string of lights strung around the ceiling and support poles, my guess was that the place was only lit by those tiny lights, and probably on the dark side. Small round tables were everywhere, chairs stacked neatly on top, a hardwood dance floor in the center of the largish room. The long bar was to the left, and back toward the back of the room. Two women were sitting at bar stools talking to the bartender. Other than that, the place was empty.

           I moved to the side, allowing Monica to walk past me as I had no clue where we were going, and why we were there. The two women, and male bar tender looked over in our direction, one of the women standing, but not walking toward us. Her eyes were on Monica, only briefly darting to me. She was a short woman, not much taller than me, with short blonde hair tucked under a cowboy hat. She wore tight-fitting Wranglers, and black boots. Her western-style shirt was half unbuttoned, revealing some of her cleavage. My eyes bulged slightly when I saw that, and quickly found the juke box in the back incredibly interesting.

           "Hey, Mon." she said, her voice low and smoky.

           "Hi, Lee. Thanks for meeting me." They embraced, then stepped back from each other. I moved away a couple steps, not wanting to eavesdrop. I looked around, walking out to the dance floor, and turning in a small circle. I had never been in a bar before. It wasn’t so bad, granted it was closed at the time. I saw the bathrooms at the back, near the pool table. A large picture of James Dean was on the men’s, and a picture of Marilyn Monroe was on the women’s. Hmm. Kind of cool, I supposed. I looked past those to see more liquor signs, mostly different beers, and saw a giant upside down pink triangle on one of the mirrors. I drew my brows, and walked a little closer. I thought it a bit strange, having no clue what that was supposed to mean. Shrugging, I turned back toward the bar. Monica was sitting with the other three, talking to the bar tender, and laughing. I decided to see what the joke was.

           "You guys have got to behave!" Monica was chuckling, rubbing at her eyes with her fingertips. "See, you’re making me cry."

           "You big baby." The blonde woman called Lee said, lightly punching her on the arm. "Always was a problem." Monica sobered slightly, and glared at her. The bar tender who had been leaning on the bar on his forearms stood, and smiled.

           "Hey, kid." He said. I smiled back at him through clenched teeth. I hated it when people called me kid.

           "Hi.’ I said.

           "This her?" the blonde asked, looking over at me, taking in my shorts and tee, then her eyes traveled down to my bare legs, and shoes before making her way back up.

           "Lee." Monica warned in a low voice. I was utterly confused, and I’m sure it showed on my face. I looked from one to the other, then back to the bar tender who was trying to stifle a chuckle. I glanced at the blonde, irritated by her arrogant stance, and condescending gaze.

           "I’m Emily." I said, my chin raised higher than I actually felt. The blonde looked at me with hooded brown eyes, as if she were bored. Finally after further contemplation of my legs, she swiveled her bar stool around to face me, her boot heels hooked on the bar of the stool.

           "Lee." She said, tipping her hat. I felt a strange flush rush up my neck and cheeks. She was a really pretty lady, and something in that stare made me slightly uncomfortable. She looked as if she were taking in all of me with that stare, my outer as well as inner person. It was kind of eerie. Suddenly I felt a boldness flow through me that I had never felt before.

           "Well, now that we have that straight, why don’t you ask me if I’m her or not?" the only way her expression changed was by the slightest lift of a dark blonde brow. She grinned a bit, and nodded. The bar tender and other woman whistled quietly under their breath, and glanced over at Monica, then back at me.

           "Fair enough." Lee said, then tipped her hat again, and turned back around to grab her beer, and take a drink. I took a deep, shaky breath, not sure I believed I had done that. I was not the type to confront people like Lee. I glanced at Monica to meet impressed, albeit surprised, eyes. She smiled and shook her head, turning to the others.

           "We better go. It’s this one’s birthday today." She said proudly, standing, and putting a hand on my back. Part of me was irritated that she would tell that blonde woman that. I didn’t want her to know anything about me. I didn’t even like her!

           "Hey, congrats, kid. Happy birthday." The bar tender said with a genuine smile. I smiled back, shyness sliding in again. Monica picked up a book off the bar that I hadn’t even noticed.

           "Thanks for bringing it by, Lee. It’s only been nine months." Monica smiled, but just as quickly it was gone.

           "Well, get everything next time." Lee said, crossing her arms over her chest, her shirt opening a bit more with the movement, which caught my eye. I blushed, and tried to look away, but caught myself sneaking a peek.

           "Come on, Emily. Later, all."

           With a round of good-byes, we finally left the bar. I felt refreshed as we headed out into the parking lot that was certainly much darker than it had been when we’d gone in. Tall street lights were spaced strategically through out to rain bright, bluish light down on the cars. I took in a deep breath of fresh, summer air, and let it out with a smile. Monica turned to me with a grin.

           "You look happy." She said as she unlocked the driver’s side door of her Cherokee.

           "I am.’ I grinned back. Somehow that place had revived me, cleansed me. I knew that seemed stupid. It had only been a bar, I assumed like any other, but despite that blonde, I had felt a kinship to those people, even that strange guy, Magenta. I couldn’t explain it any better to Monica than I could to myself, I knew, so I didn’t tell her. "It’s a great night." I said, in answer to her silent question, but only revealing half the truth. "It’s my birthday, I’m headed to my last year as a teenager, and I have something wonderful to look forward to." I opened my door that she had unlocked from the inside of the Jeep, and climbed in, reaching for my seatbelt. I stared out the window, looking at the place as I saw the sign outside suddenly turn on. Campy’s Bar. "I like that place." I said, turning to my friend. She raised her brows.

           "Really?"

           "Yeah. I want to go back some time. When they’re open."

           I slowly scanned the houses that lined the street, large, old houses that had graces the streets of Pueblo for nearly a century or more. I glanced down at the piece of paper in my hand to compare the address, when I saw it. The house was on the left, and stood tall, a three story Victorian. The dark green paint was accented with white shutters, and columns on the porch. I was breathless. Monica and Connie’s house was truly beautiful. Two cars were parked in the narrow drive, one behind the other. I assumed both were home. I had not called to say I was coming, but instead wanted the element of surprise. I did a U-turn in the street so I could park along the front of the place, but not face the dead end that was behind me. I knew it was silly. Just my nerves getting the better of me, should I need to leave quickly. I cut the engine of the Camry, and sat for a moment, staring at the lawn that I knew was well taken care of, winter-yellow. With a deep breath, I got out of the car. Time to say hello to the past once more.

           Monica had taken me to eat at a crazy place called Papa’s Bag that had clowns running around, squirting unsuspecting guests with flower-squirt guns, or they would go up to you and honk your nose. It had been great fun, then she had taken me to see the newest Molly Ringwald movie. We had laughed, talked, and laughed some more. It had turned out to be one of the best birthdays I’d had in a long time.

           I had called Jack earlier to tell him that I was going to be in late because I had had some last minute things to take care of before I left for Boulder in a month. The summer had gone so fast, and part of me didn’t want to go. I almost wished I could have just stayed in Pueblo, and worked for Monica in her practice. As I drove to the office, I remembered what she had said to me when I had mentioned the thought to her.

           "Emily, I’m flattered, believe me. And you have been of immense help to me. But this is not your dream, to be stuck here, working for an attorney. Your dream is to be the attorney. Don’t give up on that. Ever."

           I turned the wheel of my banana yellow Jeep, and pulled into the lot of the office, only to draw my brow as I saw a policemen getting into his cruiser, and heading out. I followed the black and white with my eyes until he disappeared around the corner. Nudged out of my daze by my fear, I tugged at my seatbelt, finally getting it unbuckled, and hurried to the side door of the office that would take me into the hall by Monica’s office. The door was closed, so I by-passed it and went into the lobby to ask Jack what was going on. He sat at the desk as usual, chewing on the end of a pencil.

           "Jack?" I asked, walking up to his desk. He looked up at me, surprised.

           "Hey." He said, tossing the yellow number two to the desk top. "Glad you’re in. You should really go talk to Mon."

           "What happened? I saw that police car outside. Did someone break in?" I asked, looking around to see if anything was awry. He shook his head, his perfectly styled hair not moving an inch.

           "No. Mon can explain it to you." He patted my hand that rested on the edge of the desk, and pointed to the closed office door. "Besides, I think that you’re the only one who can keep us in our jobs." Confused, and worried, I hurried over to Monica’s door. I knocked softly.

           "Monica?" I asked, my voice low. No answer. "Monica?" I heard a very faint "Come in." so I opened the door, and closed it softly behind me. Monica sat behind her desk, her head in her hands. I walked up to the desk, looking down at her. "Monica?" I asked again, my voice low, careful.

           "Hey." She said, her voice thick and wet from crying. I pulled one of the chairs up to the desk, and sat, never losing sight of her. Finally after a moment of silence that seemed to stretch on forever, she looked up at me. Her eyes were heavy, and her face pale.

           "What is it?" I whispered. "What happened?"

           "Rhoda Mills is dead." She said, her voice dull. I stared at her, my stomach in knots. "I knew it, Emily. When her husband came slamming in here that day I knew I should have called the police." Fresh tears began to form in her dark eyes. My heart went out to her. I could see that she was trying to completely take the blame for what had happened.

           "Oh, Monica. There was nothing you could have done. Nothing." I said, feeling totally helpless to say anything that would make her feel better. Guilt was a hard thing to levy.

           "I knew he was dangerous though!" she cried. "He just walked into the house this morning, pointed his .38 at his wife and their daughter, and pumped three bullets each into them. They never had a chance." She swiped at her falling tears, frustrated that she couldn’t get them to stop. I grabbed her hand that rested on the desk, and took it into my own, hoping to offer some semblance of comfort. "Why am I doing this, Emily? I don’t make a difference. These people in this town are screwed. Just plain and simple, they’re screwed, and no one, and nothing can help them, least of all Monica Nivens, Attorney at law. What a joke." She said bitterly.

           "No, Monica. Please don’t say that." I begged, fighting back my own tears at her pain, frustration and disappointment. "Just think about all the cases we’ve worked on these last six weeks, and," suddenly the face of Laura Martinez flashed before my eyes. "Just think of what you did for Laura Martinez!" I exclaimed, trying to hold on to anything to help her out of the funk she was in. "Her face that day in court when you waived her fees," I stopped to take a breath, "Monica, do you know how profoundly you changed that girl’s life?" she looked up at me through tear-puffed eyes.

           "Do you really think so?" she asked, her voice child-like with hope. I nodded enthusiastically.

           "Absolutely!" I moved around her desk until I was kneeling next to her chair, looking up at her with pleading eyes. "Monica, I wanted to be a lawyer before, but after watching you, it makes me want it that much more, just so I can be like you." She looked down at me, her eyes unwavering as she let all that I had said soak in. Suddenly the sunlight burst through the clouds, and she smiled.

           "Thank you, Emily. I think that is one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me." She said quietly, her hand gently coming to rest against my jaw. I nodded dumbly. My soliloquy over, I didn’t know what to say. With a deep breath, the spell was broken, and she turned back to her desk. "Come on, woman. We have some cases to work on." She winked at me, and I stood, plopping down into a chair to hear what was on the menu for that day.

           It was a Saturday, and a rare occasion where we had to work, but some unpleasant surprises had come up on our latest case, and had to be dealt with pronto. I had spent the night at Monica’s the night before, crashing in her spare bedroom after going over new depositions, and trying to find holes in the defense’s case. I sat on the floor, my head resting against my hand as I poured over the file that rested on the coffee table. I was going cross-eyed, and wanted to fall asleep again.

           "Monica?" I called out, never breaking a sentence on the file with my eyes, "Did you fall in, or what?" I heard the toilet flush further into the house, and turned the page to start on the backside when I felt something wet dribble on my head. "What the" I looked up at the ceiling, no leaks. It hadn’t even rained lately. I went back to the file when I felt it again. I turned around to get hit smack in the face with a thin stream of water, and a laughing lawyer. "You!" I stood, putting my hands in front of my face to protect myself from the onslaught of the squirt gun. Monica screamed with joy as she completely soaked me. She put the emptied gun down, and grinned, looking at my T-shirt that stuck to me like a second skin, and bangs that hung in my eyes. I stared back, my hands on my hips. "You think this is pretty funny, don’t you?" I asked. She nodded.

           "Uh huh." She screamed again and took off running through the small house, me on her heels, and into the backyard. I immediately went for the hose, turning on the faucet as fast as I could, and then chasing her around, trying to spray around potted plants, trees, and even the house. She disappeared around a corner, and the hose would not reach that far, so I decided to take up camp. I could wait. Patience is a virtue, after all. I grinned to myself as I thought of just how wet she actually was. Her white polo was virtually see-through, and her cotton shorts hung on her frame, her hair pasted to her scull. Teach her to try and sneak up on me-

           "Huh!" with that thought I gasped as I felt ice cold water pour over my head, into my eyes, and down my shirt, getting me even wetter than I already was. I closed my eyes as my body adjusted to the cold water and the heat of the day. When I was finally able to lower my hunched shoulders, I turned to see a grinning Monica holding a water cooler at her side. "You are evil." I breathed. She nodded.

           "Yup."

           "Went around the fence?"

           "Yup." I nodded, then got my bearings back, and brought up the hose, and pressed the nozzle on the sprayer, and giggled as she screamed, and tried to protect herself from the barrage of water. She began to advance on me blindly, spitting water out of her mouth, her eyes tightly closed, peeking one open now and then, until she reached me, and we began to struggle with the hose for dominance. We were laughing and screaming like school girls, but it was just too funny.

           "Noo!" I yelped as she began to take control, nearly getting the hose out of my hands. She laughed evilly.

           "Ha ha!" she managed to wrestle the hose from out of my hands, and I took a step back, my foot getting caught in the hose, and down I went, pulling her down with me. We hit hard, me on the grass, her on me, leaving me breathless.

           "Ow." I giggled opening my eyes to look up at her. She was giggling, too. She put her hands down on the grass on either side of me, having tossed the hose aside, and pushed herself up a bit, but then stopped as she stared down at me. I looked up at her, laughing as I got my breath back, only to lose it again as I stared into her eyes. Her grin slowly faded from her face as she continued to stare. I didn’t know what to do, only that I wasn’t so sure I wanted her to get up, so I just laid there, my arms out to my sides. I could feel Monica’s warm breath on my face, as she seemed to get closer to me, spreading that warmth to other areas, her eyes lowering, staring at my open mouth. Then as suddenly as it had happened, she blinked, and pushed herself off me, reaching a hand down to help me up.

           "You okay?" she asked, looking at the hose, gathering it up, and taking it over to the sidewalk by the house.

           "Uh, yeah." I said, still in a daze. Once she had it wrapped around the hose-stand, she turned back to, her hands wringing the water out of her shirt tail.

           "Sorry, Emily." She grinned. "We’ve both been working so hard, and I figured we could use a break." I grinned back and began to wring my own clothes out.

           "That was fun." She nodded with a smile.

           I took the keys from the ignition, and opened my door, mindful of any oncoming traffic. The walk up to the large, green house was done in flagstone with bits of colored pebbles thrown into the mix of mortar. I smiled at the porch swing that swung slightly from the light breeze. I glanced up at the increasingly darkening sky. It was beginning to get cold again. I hoped a storm wasn’t going to come in. Finally reaching the porch, I mounted the couple of stairs, and took a deep breath as I reached out to press the doorbell. Far off in the house I could hear chimes, and then the barking of a dog. Footsteps on hardwood floors, then the door was pulled open.

           It was a hot day. Not just regular, want some ice cold lemonade hot, but let’s run and hide in the air-conditioner hot. Monica and I walked down the street, doing some window shopping on Main on our way to our favorite little outside café to eat lunch. She was dragging me from window to window as she gawked at the different types of candles. Monica was wanting to re-decorate her house, and I was to help her.

           "Oh!" I stopped, my gaze riveted on one of the most beautiful candles I’d ever seen. It was a large wolf, standing at the edge of a cliff, howling at a full moon. It was carved from ivory wax, and the detail was exquisite, down to the wolf’s fur, and tail tucked between its legs. "Look at that." I breathed. I got no answer, and turned to see my friend’s attention had completely gone somewhere else. Annoyed, I grabbed her sleeve. Then my eyes wondered out to the street to see what had caught her eye. My own eyes bulged in surprise. A woman was walking down the sidewalk in our direction, though she was still a good fifteen, twenty feet away. She was tall, long legs in loose-fitting worn blue jeans with matching holes in each knee. She wore a tight, ribbed black tank that showed off tanned skin, and an incredible physique. She had dark, nearly black hair, cut short, but with long bangs that flaked either side of her forehead. As she got closer, I stared into her blue eyes that seemed to glow against the reflection of the sun, and when those blue eyes crinkled in recognition, my stomach fell.

           "Beth." I breathed. Monica turned to me, broken from her strange daze. "And she cut her hair." I added dumbly.

           "You know her?" she asked. I nodded, sticking my hands in my pockets to stop them from fidgeting with the sudden attack of nerves I felt. As Beth got closer, I noticed that her eyes darted back and forth between me and Monica, a question in her lop-sided grin. God, she was so beautiful.

           "Fancy seeing you here, Em." She said as she walked up to us, and stopped. I said nothing, but watched her as she began to watch Monica. "Hi." She said to my boss.

           "Hello." Monica said with a sweet smile. "Friend of Emily’s?" I was curious to see how Beth would answer that. She glanced at me for a moment, then looked at Monica.

           "We know each other." She finally said. "You’re Monica from across the street." Beth said, cocking her head to the side to take in all of Monica, and her cream-colored, light-weight suit. Her eyes gazed down at her legs, and the fitted skirt to the silk, sleeveless blouse, finally to smile with a raised brow. "Right?" I watched, torn between the two, not sure I believed what I was seeing. If I didn’t know better, I would have said that Beth was flirting with Monica. Was, was she flirting back? I was baffled, and felt another strange feeling wash over me. Jealousy. I was taken aback by that. No. Couldn’t be.

           My attention turned back to the two women standing before me, talking. "Yeah, I’m Beth Sayers. Lived next door to Em, here." Recognition seemed to dawn on Monica, and she nodded.

           "Of course." She looked back at me with a smile of wonder on her face. "My god. You have definitely grown up." She said, her voice lowering just a bit.

           "Well, it does tend to happen. And so have you, by the way."

           They continued to talk, and I blocked them out, my own feelings like a tempest inside my head. How could I be so glad to see Beth, yet wish that she’d go away? I never in my wildest dreams saw Beth as a threat of any kind, and then at that moment, standing on the sidewalk out front of that candle shop, I saw her as just that. Why? How could I have jealousy that was aimed at Beth, and aimed at Monica? It was obvious to the most dense person that something was flying through the air with those two, yet I was not yet ready at that time to put a name to it, or to even try and identify it.

           I would sneak a peek at Beth every once in a while only to find my gaze meeting blue. As always, no matter what she did, I was still always in her sights. That was both comforting, and unsettling at the same time. Old habits die hard, I guess.

           "Emily?" I looked up to meet the dark gaze of my old friend and boss. I smiled, and nodded. "Oh my god." She breathed, stepping forward onto the porch to wrap me in a tight hug. "Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?" she said against my shoulder.

           "I guess I wanted to surprise you." I explained as we parted. I looked into Monica’s face, now that of a woman in her mid-forties. She was still beautiful, with her shiny black hair, just the tiniest bit of gray mixed in. It was longer than it had been last I’d seen her, but looked great on her. She wore a baggy sweatshirt and matching sweats, her feet in thick, wool socks. She held me at arm’s length, and looked me over.

           "You look wonderful." She beamed. "My god, you’ve grown up." She said, shaking her head in wonder. "Come in, come in."

           Monica stepped aside to allow me to enter into a large entryway, a long, narrow hall leading out from it. I looked down when I felt something by my leg, and grinned at the little Beagle that looked up at me with great big brown eyes, brown, black and white tail about to wag off.

           "This is Molly." She said.

           "Hey, Molly." I cooed, bending down to give the excited dog some attention. Monica led me through the large house, showing me all of the antiques she had collected over the years, and her prized collection of candles of every kind and color. The house that she had always wanted.

           "You have got to meet Connie." She said, tugging me by the arm up to the third floor of the old house. As we got further up the stairs, I could hear hammering. "Honey?" she called out, leading me through a maze of rooms and doors until we finally ended up in a well-lit room filled with windows. A woman was at the far end, up on a ladder, hammering away on the rafters there.

           "Connie?" Monica said, though the woman did not acknowledge. "Connie!"

           "What?!" the woman almost fell off the ladder as she jerked in surprise. She put her hand to her chest, and glared at Monica. "Are you trying to kill me?" she wheezed. Monica grinned.

           "Sorry, babe. I want you to meet someone. Connie, this is Emily Thomas. Emily, my partner Connie." I smiled, so glad to meet the woman who had finally been able to give my old friend what she had always wanted; love, and a steady home.

           "Emily. Hi." Connie said, stepping down the rungs of the ladder, wiping her hands on her paint-stained pants. "Sorry about the mess. We’re remodeling." She smiled, extending her hand.

           "Not a problem." I smiled, taking her hand into a warm handshake.

           "I certainly wish we were meeting under better circumstances, but I’m glad to meet you all the same." She said, covering our joined hands with her other one.

           "Same here." I said, looking into her deep, blue eyes. Kind eyes. Her hair, that was swept back into a messy ponytail, with specks of white paint in it, was a deep blonde color, almost butterscotch. Very different. She was a simple looking woman, but beautiful in that simplicity, and her good heart shone through, exuding from her like an aura.

           "So where’s Rebecca?" Monica asked. I turned back to her.

           "She stayed and is babysitting." I said sheepishly. "She just adores kids, and Billy and Nina jumped at the opportunity." They both smiled knowingly.

           "Well, let’s all go downstairs and you can tell us all about life in the Big Apple."

           I stood from the stack of files on the floor, and walked over to the window, looking out at the dark street, the single streetlight illuminating part of the front yard. I crossed my arms over my chest, and leaned my shoulder against the wall.

           "Emily?" I heard quietly from the room behind me.

           "Hmm?" I asked absently, my mind faraway.

           "You okay, hon?" I could hear the concern in Monica’s voice. I nodded.

           "Yeah. Just thinking."

           "About?"

           About what indeed. I watched as two boys raced down the street, lit for just a second beneath the orange glow of the streetlight, then disappearing, only their laughter to be heard in the night still. I tried to focus in on my thoughts, to get them in order so they’d make some sort of sense to my friend. They made absolutely no sense to me. I turned away from the window.

           "I’m so confused, Monica." I said quietly, my gaze locked on the coffee table.

           "About." She asked again, her voice soft, encouraging.

           "Remember last week, when we ran into Beth?" I asked, she nodded. I turned back to the window, not wanting to see her face as I told my story, staring at my reflection in the glass, the night turning it into a mirror. My eyes were drawn to the west as a large bolt of lightning lit the night sky, turning night into day, and making my reflection disappear for just a moment, then there I was again. "How can," I stopped, trying to find the words. "How can you miss something you never had?" I stared into the eyes in the reflection, my eyes, eyes that were transparent, the darkness just on the other side, and I wondered if the whole time had I been just as transparent? Had I known what I had wanted, but wasn’t strong enough to grab it?

           "What do you mean?" I heard the soft question, but did I understand the words? What did I mean?

           "Beth." Was spoken almost like a prayer. "When you two were talking that day on the street, I was jealous. Not the first time the two have been in the same sentence before. Beth and jealousy." I said. "And as I watched her talk to you, I realized that the word Monica had to be added to that sentence, too." I didn’t dare look at her, terrified of what implications that admission could bring up. "I was scared."

           "Of what, Emily?" I heard asked, not far behind me. I still did not turn around, able to make out the hazy reflection of Monica’s face behind me. I had gotten myself in that deep, might as well finish it. I would be leaving for school soon, anyway.

           "Of losing either one of you. To each other." I smiled ruefully. "Silly, huh?" I finally garnered the courage to turn and face my friend. She had a look of understanding on her face, her hands buried deep into her pockets. "I don’t understand this, Monica." I shrugged, showing my defeat. She smiled.

           "You’re so young, Emily. You have no idea how much you remind me of myself ten years ago. So ambitious, intelligent, yet utterly confused and blind. I once asked myself, how can I be so smart, yet so dumb at the same time?" she smiled in remembrance, and took a step toward me. "Emily, go to Beth. She is where your heart really lies. You look up to me, see what you want to be. Don’t confuse that with something that it isn’t." I could feel the sting of confused emotions behind my eyes.

           "What if it’s too late?" I asked. She reached out her hand, and placed it upon my cheek.

           "You’ll never know until you try. You’ve managed to get yourself this far, figure out this much. Don’t quit now."

           I laid in bed, staring up at the dark ceiling once more, distant thunder continued to rumble deep in the night sky. I held my trusty teddy, Ruffles to me, holding on to something that was a reminder of who I really was, of who I thought I was, and who I pretended to be. Ruffles had been through it all, had seen all the changes. He’s seen all of my wishes and dreams, disappointments. Probably knew me better than I knew myself. I released my hold and turned the bear to sit up on my stomach, and stared up into his familiar, worn face.

           "What do I do, Ruffles?" I asked, running a finger over the tiny line of stitching where he had ripped once, and had been sewn back together for a teary-eyed five year old. "I wish you could talk, fella." With a sigh, I pulled him back to me and looked over at my closet doors where Bonnie Tyler and Olivia Newton-John smiled at me. My eyes gazed over their features, as familiar as my own, but yet somehow more beautiful that night. Olivia’s big, blue eyes, and innocent smile. I could hear her voice inside my head singing ‘Hopelessly Devoted To You." I chuckled low in my throat. Ironic. "What do I do, girls? Should I go after her?"

           I looked to the ceiling again as my thoughts roamed to Beth. Why was I seeing it then, rather then when we had been kids? I knew deep in my gut Beth had always known what I was purposely blind to. Her heart had always been in it, and I realized at that moment just how bad I had hurt her so many times. Why had she always come back? Why hadn’t she run away from me? Then I realized she had. I had kept trying to draw her back. She had been happy with Casey, spreading her wings, learning about who and what she was from someone who would accept her for what she was. Just Beth. No pressures, no expectations. Just Beth. Thus the calling of the theater. That didn’t care who you were, or who you loved. All it wanted was its own due attention, and Beth could give that freely, give of herself. She knew no other way to do it. And I loved her for it. Had always loved her.

           Monica gave me the day off, and I stood in front of my full-length mirror, staring at my reflection as I stood in a towel, my hand clasping the ends together. I studied my face, my eyes picking up more blue in the green color with the blue of my room surrounding me. My hair was slicked back from my face, darkened into a brownish color from the shower I had just taken. My skin was clear, my summer tan still visible. My body, though short, was well-proportioned, and compact, with narrow hips, yet full breasts. Slowly I opened the towel some, staring at what lay beneath. Pleased with what I saw there, I dropped the towel all together, and began to get dressed.

           I took special care in what I wore that day, wearing only colors that would bring out my eyes, and the golden tones of my hair. I pulled my tight cut-offs up my freshly shaved legs, careful to not wipe the lotion off too much. I struggled into my snug-fitting baby-doll tank, and pulled it down over my torso, just the barest bit of my stomach showing. I took a deep breath as I watched the outfit coming together, keeping a careful eye out for any imperfection. I ran my hands through my dried hair, letting it fall lose around my shoulders, wisps teasing my neck. I slid my bare feet into white Keds, and studied the finished product. I had to admit, I looked damn good. I applied the tiniest amount of gloss, and grabbed my keys. I was ready. Ready to finally tell her how I felt, what I wanted.

           The Rogers Theater was in the center of town, an old, two-story building that had once been a library. The sculpted molding around the edges, and the Roman columns gave it a historic feel. Truly a beautiful building. I walked up the long staircase, my stomach in my throat as I finally reached the large, heavy double doors. The theater was kept dark, the whir of fans filling the near silent space. I looked around, trying to find anyone helpful. Or just anyone at all, for that matter. I found my way to the auditorium, the house lights completely off to keep the heat level down, the lights on the stage making the actor’s feel like fast food as it was.

           I stood in the back, and watched the rehearsal for a moment, chuckling at the antics of some of the characters. Seeing my fill, and wanting to get on with why I was there, I walked down the long, slanted aisle toward the stage, looking for someone who was not busy. I smiled when I saw a girl sitting in the front row, her legs stretched out in front of her, her eyes glued to the stage. I stopped a few feet from her, and cleared my throat. She glanced over at me with her eyes, raising impatient brows.

           "Hi." I said, she continued to glare. "Um, have you seen Beth Sayers?"

           "Yeah." She said, turning her eyes back to the stage.

           "You have seen her?" I asked, trying to prompt her.

           "Yeah, several times." I rolled my eyes.

           "Where is she?" I tried to keep the impatience out of my voice. Without taking her eyes from the stage, she reached her arm back behind her, pointing in the general direction of the back of the auditorium. I hurried in that direction, not sure where to look, but figured it was a starting place.

           I walked along the back wall, the window of the lighting booth above me, then spotted an EXIT sign just ahead. I pushed the door open, to find myself in a long, cinderblock hallway with harsh, fluorescent lights above. Quite a change from the darkness of the theater. I squinted for a moment until my eyes could adjust. When they did, I stopped dead in my tracks.

           Down toward the end of the hall were two figures, two women. One was pushed against the lime-painted wall, the other pressed up against her. The one against the wall was a beautiful woman with short, fiery red hair, and the other one was Beth. I watched as they smiled at each other, rapt up in a conversation too low for me to hear, and then they kissed, long and deep. The red head had wondering hands, slipping underneath Beth’s shirt, or in her hair. Beth pulled the woman to her, her hands finding the woman’s rear-end.

           I was left speechless, wanting to find a hole, and crawl in, never to come out again. I felt like such a fool. I quietly turned, wanting to slink away, Beth never knowing I had ever been there.

           "Em?" I cringed, stopping just short of the door. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath before I turned around. Beth had disentangled herself from the redhead, and had taken a couple of steps toward where I stood. I looked at her, unable to say anything. She smiled in confusion, and took another step. "What are you doing here?" the redhead watched me with curious eyes, still leaning against the wall. I turned back to Beth, the question still heavy in the air.

           "I, well, I um. I saw you were in the play, and so I wanted to come by and, well, I wanted to tell you, to," My mind was a mess, which was starting to flow out of my mouth. I stopped myself, took another deep breath, then looked into her eyes again. She was confused, and I couldn’t tell if she was also amused or annoyed. "I wanted to tell you that I, well, that." I took yet another deep breath. "I wanted to come by and say goodbye." She blinked, taken aback.

           "Goodbye?" she repeated the word, tasting it on her tongue.

           "Yes." I said, my heart breaking. "I’m leaving for Boulder on Saturday, and wanted to wish you luck on your play," I glanced at the redhead, "and everything." She smiled slightly, but I could not read her at all. She had totally blocked herself off. I had never hit a brick wall with Beth, and found it extremely disconcerting.

           "Oh." She said quietly. "I’m glad you did. Good luck to you, too." I smiled weakly and nodded, turning away again, heading for the door. "Em?" I glanced at her over my shoulder. "Don’t I even rate a hug?" she asked quietly. I felt my chest expand suddenly, my emotions wanting to explode out in relief and regret. I turned, and walked toward her as she walked to me. She reached for me, pulling me to her in a bone-crushing hug. I wrapped my arms around her neck, as hers wrapped around my waist. I could feel her breath against my neck, her body against mine, and closed my eyes as I felt a tremendous sense of loss already, and she was in my arms. I felt her hand move up to cup the back of my head, and the softest kiss against the side of my neck before she slowly released me. She smiled down at me, the old Beth, the Beth that I knew inside and out, then without a word she let me go, and turned to walk back to the redhead. I wanted to watch as long as I could, but my feet had other ideas. Before I knew what was happening, I was out on the sidewalk, headed for my Jeep.

           I sat behind the steering wheel, my hand on my chest as it continued to expand until I thought I would burst. Without warning, I grabbed the wheel in a death-grip with shaking hands as my emotions did explode, and the overflow slipped from my eyes to soak through the thin material of my shirt, the spot getting bigger and bigger as the flood kept coming.

  PART 8

           "I NEVER THOUGHT I knew what love could be, but now I find out." Blue eyes stared in wonder, eyes that were full of life and passion. "I was such a fool, and I pray that you can forgive me. Someday."

           My eyes were filled with tears as I shot to my feet, my hands stinging as I clapped, my heart in my throat. The curtains closed, and I felt the impact of Beth’s last words hit my heart yet again. She had touched me, and as I looked around, I could see that I had not been the only one. The curtains opened again as the large cast took their curtain calls. Beth finally came out, her smile wide and satisfied. It always had amazed me that no matter how many plays she did, Beth never lost that look of wonderment, and awe. As if realizing for the first time that she could evoke that strong of a reaction out of a group of total strangers.

           Beth was looking around in the darkness at the faces that I knew were dark and foreign to her. Wanting to beat the crowd, I stepped out of my aisle seat, and headed out of the theater.

           The warm summer night air hit my face with a soft, comforting touch, cooling the drying trails on my cheeks. I walked to my Jeep with a deep sense of gratification. I had wanted to see Beth on stage just once more. She was still as stunning as ever, and only just got better.

           I felt very sad then, my heart heavy as I sat behind the wheel. Just two days ago I had been sitting in that very place, crying like I had never cried before. Crying for all the what-ifs, and the missed chances, lost forever. I knew that, and just had to learn to accept it. Beth had waited as long as she could, but could not put her life on hold forever. I didn’t blame her. But still…..

           I stuck the key into the ignition, and the Jeep roared to life.

           I had sat in the living room talking with Monica and Connie for a couple of hours, catching up on their lives, and them catching up on mine and Rebecca’s, when there was a lull in conversation. I sat in my chair sipping my coffee, thinking about the next day. I knew it was going to be extremely difficult, and part of me dreaded it deeply.

           "Emily, walk with me." Monica said finally, dragging me from my thoughts. I looked up at her, and without a word I set my cup aside, and stood. "Hang on. Be right back." She disappeared up the stairs, and I pulled my coat on. Moments later, I heard the sound of feet coming down the long staircase, and followed my friend as she led the way to the front door after kissing Connie gently.

           We stepped out into the late afternoon, the air crisp, and much colder than when I’d arrived earlier in the day.

           "I sure hope it doesn’t snow." Monica said as we headed toward the sidewalk, glancing up at the iron-gray sky. I nodded.

           "Me, too."

           "I’m so glad you came, Emily." She said, smiling at me as she shoved her hands into the pockets of her jacket.

           "I am, too. This has been a tough trip, though." I admitted. I knew that I could tell her what was on my mind, and how I really felt about things. She would not judge me. She never had. "I should have come back a long time ago, Monica." I said quietly. "It was very selfish and pretentious of me not to. I see that now."

           "Don’t be too hard on yourself." She said, just as quietly.

           "No, Monica. I had no idea my brother had three kids!" I exclaimed, stopping her with a hand on her arm. She looked at me with sympathetic eyes. "What kind of a sister does that make me? What kind of an aunt?"

           "A very busy one." I chuckled softly.

           "That’s a good excuse, though I’m afraid it has grown old and thin."

           "Sometimes we can get our priorities all messed up and backwards. It happens to the best of us." We were both quiet as we continued to walk on. "Beth came to see me last year, Emily." I turned to glance at her. "She came home." I nodded.

           "I know. She told me." I almost whispered.

           "She gave me something for you."

           "What?" I asked, my voice soft with surprise. Monica stopped us again, unzipped her jacket a bit, reaching inside to pull out an envelope. She handed it to me, and numbly I took it. I turned it over in my hands, seeing my name scrawled on the front in her usual large, bold writing. It simply read: To Em. I could only stare, not sure what to do. I knew that I didn’t want to open it up then. I was not ready.

           "Are you okay?" I heard whispered near my ear. I nodded, unable to speak for fear I might choke on whatever I might say.

           We were closing up the office early in honor of my leaving the next day. Monica wanted to so something special for me, but I had to chose what it was.

           "I told you, Emily, it’s your choice." She said for the tenth time. I closed the blinds around the office, and turned back to her as she locked up her desk, and threw some papers into her briefcase. I drew my brows, frustrated. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. There really weren’t any good movies out that I hadn’t already seen with her, and I wasn’t hungry. I stopped in my tracks, an idea hitting me like the preverbal brick wall. I turned to her, my hand on my hip, my head cocked to the side in curiosity.

           "Would you take me to that place?" Monica looked up, one brow raised.

           "Care to be a little more specific?" she drawled.

           "That one place. That bar." She stood and stared at me for a moment

           "You mean Campy’s?" I nodded. "Oh, Emily, I don’t know." I walked over to her, leaning on the desk, giving her my most beseeching look. She looked up at me and grinned, rolling her eyes. "What’s the puppy-dog eyes for?"

           "I want to go." I said simply. She continued to stare at me.

           "You’re too young. That is a bar, Emily."

           "Oh, come on, Monica. You can’t tell me that you can’t get me in?" she stood, crossing her arms over her chest, chewing on one side of her lip. Finally nodding, as if she had come to some sort of decision.

           "Okay. We’ll go to Campy’s." I smiled. This should be interesting.

           As I dressed I thought of where we were going. It had occurred to me what kind of place that bar had been, later. I wasn’t sure why it hadn’t that day. I had heard of places like that before when I had been in school, but it had never really registered, and I had never paid any attention. I felt a surge of energy, and curiosity, and figured what the hell. I was out of Pueblo soon anyway.

           I decided to dress conservatively in lose-fitting blue jeans and a T-shirt. I wore my hair back in a ponytail. I looked into the mirror, and realized I looked like I was twelve. With a sigh, I pulled the band out of my hair, and combed it all down around my shoulders. It helped a bit. I looked fifteen instead. I sat on my bed to put my shoes on, and my mind drifted to Beth. I wondered if she had ever been to Campy’s. Wouldn’t surprise me. Part of me, a large part, actually, wished that she were going with us. Or with me. I missed her so much. After seeing her twice in the last couple weeks, after not seeing her at all for seven months, I was craving that which only she could fill. I knew that it was crazy of me to wish for something that was just not going to happen. I was far too logical for that. But all the same. I wondered if she was still with that pretty redhead from the theater. Had she been another actress? I didn’t recall seeing her in the play. Maybe just a fan. Like me.

           "Okay. You’re sure about this?" Monica asked as we sat in her Cherokee outside of the bustling Campy’s. I stared at the building at the end of the parking lot, and listened as the heavy beat of music pounded out of the open door. I nodded. "Okay. Let’s go."

           My eyes took in everything as we walked through the door, Monica having to do some pretty smooth talking to the bouncer so I could get in. It certainly looked different than it had with all the lights on. The air was filled with a smoky glow as all the thousands of twinkling lights caught cigarette smoke. It also seemed to vibrate with the beat from the music which was Motley Crüe, the heavy guitar and vocals almost deafening. Faces were hard to make out in the red hue of the place, but I could see tables jam-packed with crowds of talking, drinking, laughing people. Mostly women, but men were wondering around, too.

           "Do you want something to drink?" Monica asked, leaning in close so I could hear above the noise. "Non-alcoholic." She said pointedly. I shrugged innocently.

           "A coke?" she smiled, and headed toward the bar. I started to follow, and nearly ran smack into someone, or did they nearly run smack into me? I looked up, startled, to see short, curly blonde hair, and half-lidded brown eyes.

           "In a hurry?" she asked.

           "Sorry." I said. She shrugged bare shoulders, and looked over to Monica who stood at the bar.

           "What’re you two doing here?" Lee asked.

           "I’m leaving tomorrow, so I wanted to check the place out. When it’s open." I explained, though I don’t know why I was bothering. She nodded, and walked away. I stared after her, shaking my head. What a strange woman.

           "What?" I turned to see Monica standing next to me, her brows drawn as she looked to see what had caught my attention, and had me frowning. I nodded with my head toward the table where the blonde sat with a large group of women. "Oh. I’m not surprised. She’s here all the time. That was part of the problem." She muttered. I turned to her, curious.

           "Part of the problem?" then it dawned on me, making me want to whack myself in the forehead. "You two were together?" I asked, my voice a whisper. She grinned with a nod. "Oh." I looked back to the blonde, new understanding. I felt so thick. "So you are, well, into….this?" I asked, my hand out to include the whole room.

           "Have been for almost ten years, now." She smiled. I nodded dumbly. "Come on." She chuckled, walking toward an empty table in a corner. We sat, me with my coke, Monica with her beer, which I eyed. "You like beer?" she asked, taking a sip. I scrunched up my face, shaking my head.

           "Tastes like carbonated horse piss." She set the bottle down, and threw her head back in a howl of laughter.

           "Something you’ve tried recently?" she asked as she calmed, an amused smile planted on her face. I stuck my tongue out at her.

           "Good evening, ladies." My head snapped up as a woman with a tray walked up to our table. "For you." She set another beer on a small, round cardboard coaster in front of Monica.

           "Who?" my friend asked, glancing around the bar. The waitress pointed to a table three tables down, and walked away. Monica strained her neck to look behind her at the table, seeing a woman raise her glass in salute. Monica smiled, and raised her beer. I watched, fascinated. The woman was attractive with long, brown hair. The bar was too dark to see any of her features very clearly. "I’ll be right back, Emily." Monica said, turning back to me. "You be okay for a sec?" I nodded.

           "Yeah, go ahead." She chugged her beer, taking the new one with her. I sat back in my chair, watching as couples stood from their tables and headed toward the dance floor that was already filled with a steady throng of dancers. It was such a new experience for me to see a woman leading another woman to the dance floor, or back to their seats, talking close, leading to a kiss. It was almost an overload of images, and my body was thrumming with the new knowledge opening to me. How had it happened so suddenly to me? Like a brick falling out of the sky, thumping me on the back of the head? I suppose I just wasn’t ready before. Everything happens in its own time.

           "You look lost." My head snapped up to see Lee standing at the table, an amused grin on her face. God knows I certainly felt lost in a way at that moment, but I did not want the blonde to know that. I shook my head.

           "Just thinking." She pulled out a chair, and plopped down in it, sipping from her water.

           "Penny for your thoughts?" she said, leaning back in the chair, bringing her booted foot up to rest on the chair next to her. I studied her for a moment, wondering what she wanted. Seeing nothing but genuine curiosity, I decided what the hell.

           "I’ve never been to a place like this before." I said, my voice almost shy. I felt really young at that moment. She nodded.

           "Kind of interesting, isn’t it? Whole new world, kid." I nodded, she smiled. "Monica teaching you the ropes?" she wiggled her brows, and glared, catching her obvious meaning.

           "She’s my boss."

           "All the better."

           I rolled my eyes, and looked out toward the dance floor. She chuckled.

           "I’m just kidding, Emily. Hey, just a joke." I glance back at her, annoyed. "Come on. Let’s dance." Fear gripped me immediately, and I shook my head. "Come on, I won’t bite. Let’s go." She stood, scooting her chair back under the table. I glanced over to see Monica talking to the woman who had bought her a drink, then looked up to see Lee patiently waiting for me. On shaky legs, I stood, and slowly followed the blonde to the dance floor. The song was fast paced, and bodies were thrashing about. I tried to be careful not to get smacked in the face by a weaving hand or arm. Lee found us a place near the edge of the floor, and began to move. I watched her for a moment, then began to dance myself. I loved to dance, and so decided to just let go. The blonde smiled, and I smiled back Maybe this wasn’t so bad.

           The song ended, and another began, Cyndi Lauper, "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun". I giggled as Lee joined in to help Cyndi along, her voice often getting lost in the loud volume of the music, her movement wild and silly to match the song. I was having a ball when I turned around and noticed Monica sitting at our table. She was watching us, an unreadable look on her face. Lee noticed where my attention had gone, and turned back to me.

           "She tell you we used to date?" she asked, moving a bit closer to be heard above the beat. I nodded. "What did she tell you?"

           "Not much." I answered with a shrug. Part of me wanted to ask questions, but then I thought better of it. Any questions I asked should be to Monica, not her ex.

           "We lived together." She continued. I just watched on, quietly hoping she’d tell me more. "For just over a year." She turned, grinding with a friend of hers who danced next to us. I watched them as they laughed, and hugged each other. That had been interesting. I had a feeling the new world I had become a part of would bring forth many new discoveries. Lee turned back to me and inched her way to me until next thing I knew, she was behind me, her hands on the sides of my thighs as she hunched down, taking me with her, her front grinding into my rear-end. I wasn’t sure what to do, but realized that just underlying the uncomfortable surface was a complete sense of being turned on. Just a bit disconcerted, I scooted away from her, and turned to find her grinning at me.

           "Why’d you break up?" I asked, just this side of sarcastic.

           "I like to have too much fun." She said with a shrug. I couldn’t believe she was so nonchalant about it. I glanced back over in my boss’ direction to find her still staring at us, the slightest pained expression on her face. "But," I turned my attention back to her. She had dropped the careless smile, was looking at Monica. "I do have my regrets." I was surprised at the wistful tone in her voice. The blonde seemed to shake herself out of her reverie, and smiled at me. "Come outside and have a smoke with me."

           "I don’t smoke." I said.

           "Well I do. Come on."

           I followed Lee off the dance floor, and out the front door of the club. She walked us over to a large Ford, and yanked the tailgate down, hopping up onto it. I did the same, our legs dangling back and forth. Lee took a pack of Marlboro’s out of her shirt pocket, and stuck a slim, white cigarette into her mouth. She offered me the pack.

           "You sure?" she asked when I shook my head. With a shrug, she stuck the pack back into her shirt, taking a lighter out, flicking the wheel to release the small, yellow flame. I stared out into the night as she took a deep drag, expelling the smoke from her nose and mouth with a sigh. "Gets so crowded in there." She said, putting her hands on the cool metal of the gate on either side of her legs.

           "You come here a lot?" I asked, glancing at her. She nodded, taking another drag.

           "Few times a week."

           "Don’t you work?" I asked, incredulous. She chuckled.

           "Sure do. This is how I relax." She explained. To me it seemed far more stressful than relaxing, but to each her own. "So, you like working for Monica?" I nodded. That seemed safe enough territory. "She a good boss?" again, I nodded. "Good." She took another, long drag, staring off at the cars that drove by on the highway. "She seeing anyone?" I glanced over at her, not comfortable with the question at all.

           "I really don’t think that’s any of our business, Lee." She nodded.

           "Fair enough. I’m sorry. Don’t mean to get you involved."

           "S’okay." I said with a small smile. I understood. If I had run into that little redhead that had been with Beth at the theater, I would have picked her brain, too. Does she talk about me? Does she think about me? Does she miss me? All questions that I would probably never know. Never get to ask or find out.

           My head drooped slightly as I thought about the ramifications of those thoughts.

           "You okay, kid?" I glanced over to see Lee staring at me, her dark blonde brows drawn as she studied me. I nodded.

           "Yeah."

           "You’re kind of new to this world, aren’t you?" she asked, indicating the building to our left. I nodded again. Was it stamped on my forehead? I couldn’t help but wonder, was there some sort of right of passage I was supposed to take? What was this new world she spoke of? Was it like its own community, or could you just continue to be you? It was all very confusing for me then. I sighed.

           "Yes."

           "Thought so. Tell your folks, yet? I mean, I assume you still live with them?" I stared at her. Tell my folks? It had not even occurred to me. Suddenly I was mortified! What would they say? How would they react? Did I have to tell them? Maybe they didn’t need to know. After all, I was no different then I had been all my life. I shook my head. "Yeah, it’s tough to do." I just stared at her as she blew a puff of smoke up into the dark sky, watching as it got lost above the reach of the parking lot lights. "You know my mother kicked me out when I told her." She glanced down at me from the corner of her eye, grinned at my look of shock, a small dimple playing near her mouth. "Sorry. Guess that’s not the kind of thing you need to hear." She dropped the cigarette on the ground, reaching her booted foot down to smash the butt into the gravel. She stared up at the sky, so I did the same. A star fell across to our right. Lee pointed up. "See that?" she asked, glancing at me. I nodded. "Make a wish, kid. Hope it sticks."

           I could not remember the wish that I had made that night while sitting on that tailgate with Lee. As I drove away from Monica and Connie’s house. I glanced over at the envelope that laid on the passenger seat of the Camry. What did Beth have to say? I pulled up to a stop light, and stared out at the street, my hands on the wheel, thumbs caressing the leather. I looked over at the letter again, grabbing it, looking at it. Only my name. I ran my fingertip over the bold writing, a small smile playing across my lips. Just like Beth. Bold, but solid. The light turned green, so I laid the envelope down, and drove on.

           "So what did Lee have to say?" I was pulled from thoughts of breaking the news to my parents when I heard Monica’s voice. I blinked twice as what she had asked registered.

           "Oh, ah, not much. Just talked about when she was younger, her mother. That sort of thing." She nodded, steering the Cherokee through town.

           "Yeah. You know the way Beth and her mom used to fight?" she didn’t wait for a response. "That was Lee and Ann all over again. God, night and day." She shook her head sadly.

           "You remember Beth, then?" I asked, trying to hide my surprise with nonchalance. She nodded, and grinned over at me.

           "Yeah. I do. I didn’t pay much attention to you guys growing up, but once I saw her that day, I remembered her. Poor kid."

           "Beth’s not a kid." I pouted. "And neither am I." I glanced out the side window. At the bar I had hoped that Monica would have danced with me. She never asked. I had felt left out as most of her time had been with the woman who had bought her a drink. After Lee had finished her cigarette, she had wished me good night and good luck, and had headed home. Monica had been nowhere in sight when I went back to our table. I had felt young and vulnerable like a child who had lost her mother in a shopping mall, hungry pairs of eyes sizing me up. Monica said nothing to my childish retort, but I could feel her eyes on me.

 "Okay, Emily. What’s wrong? Are you mad because I talked to Arlene?"

           "Who?" I asked, knowing full well who she meant. I was feeling difficult.

           "The woman with the beer?" she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. I tried to hide a slight smile, but failed miserably. Monica was seeing right through my brooding, and refused to play along. I could never stay mad at her long, anyway.

           "No. I just felt really alone." I muttered. Monica turned into her driveway, pulling the break, and shutting down the engine. I looked around, surprised to see she had taken us to her house. It was late, and I had wanted to get an early start the next morning. I turned to her, questioning.

           "I want to give you your going away gift." She said with a smile. "Come on." She opened her door. "I’m sorry about that, Emily, really, I am. I saw you talking to Lee, so figured you didn’t want me around. I mean, I got you in, the rest was up to you." She explained quietly as she searched for the right key to let us in the small house. I put my hand on her arm to stop her, and get her to look at me.

           "Monica, why did you think that? I wanted to go there, yes, but I wanted to go with you." Her face brightened, but she said nothing. "You’re such a good friend, and so much fun to be with." She smiled shyly, and turned back to the door, holding it open for me. I walked in ahead of her, running my hands through my hair as I made my way to the living room, hearing Monica not far behind. "You know, Lee brought up a really good point tonight; one that I had not thought of."

           "What’s that?" my friend and boss asked absently as she knelt in front of her stereo, finding Laura Branigan, ‘Gloria’. "Oh, love this song." She said, sitting on the couch, taking off her shoes with a contented sigh, tossing them aside.

           "My parents." I said, sitting in the chair across from her. Monica glanced at me under her bangs, her brows drawn in confusion. "Telling them? About me?" I said.

           "Oh." She breathed, sitting back against the soft, green material. She stared at me for a moment, her eyes half-hooded in thought. "Well, you could not tell them, I suppose." She chuckled. "I’m sure that would go over well." I sighed.

           "Don’t you think maybe I should wait to tell them until I’m really sure?"

           "Aren’t you?"

           "I don’t know!" I exclaimed, plopping back in the chair, my face buried in my hands.

           "Hey." I heard quietly spoken next to me. I peeked an eye out to see Monica kneeling next to the chair, her hands on the arm. She looked up at me with the softest smile.

           "Believe me, Emily. You’ll know. When the time is right, you’ll know." She smiled encouragement, I tried to smile back, but only managed for a millisecond. Monica stood, offering her hand to me. "Come on. Let’s dance."

           "What, now? Here?" I asked, taken off guard by the sudden change of subject. She nodded.

           "Yeah. I didn’t get to dance with you at Campy’s."

           I didn’t want to, but I took her hand, stood. I followed her to the middle of her living room, and she turned to face me, letting go of my hand. A fast one by Def Leppard played, and we began to dance, chuckling as one tried to outdo the other. She began to twist, her arms tucked into her sides, knees together as she got lower and lower, her body twisting in the strangest way. I stopped, my hands on my hips.

           "How the hell can you twist to this?" I asked, indicting the stereo with a nod of my head. She grinned.

           "All’s fair in love and rock and roll." She said, her voice breathy from the exertion.

           "Um, isn’t that love and war? Oomph-!" my head flew back as I was suddenly pulled to her, one of her hands on my lower back, the other holding mine. She began to hum along to the fast beat of the music as she led us around the limited space of the room, twirling me under her arm, then leading us back the way we had just come. I could not stop giggling as she tried to dip me, only to nearly dip us both. She helped me up, and we both tried to get our breath back as we laughed, unable to stop. God, it felt so good to laugh. Monica could always make me.

           "Oh. Oh, yeah. Now here is a song to dance to." She said with a wistful smile as the beginning chords to ‘I Want To Know What Love Is’ by Foreigner began. "Come here." She said with a gentle smile. I felt a bit strange, but walked to her anyway. She grabbed me, and we got much in the same position as before; her hand on my back, mine on her shoulder, our other hand joined. She set a slow pace, staying with the song, and began to talk. "This used to be our song. Lee and me." She said softly.

           "We can stop if-"

           "No." she smiled. "No. That’s over now. I really thought we had something special, though. Lee just liked to have a bit too much fun."

           "That’s what she said." Monica looked at me for a moment, trying to read me.

           "Did you two talk about me? About us?" she asked finally.

           "A little. Nothing major. She just told me that. The too much fun thing." Monica nodded acknowledgment, and pulled me in a bit closer, surprising me as she laid her head on my shoulder. I glanced around the room, not sure what I was supposed to do. So I just kept us moving.

           "I really wanted to dance with you tonight." I heard muttered near my ear. "I’m sorry."

           "That’s okay." I said, a small nervous laugh following. "I knew you were busy." I lied. Truth of the matter, that was one of the reasons why I had wanted to go in the first place. I wanted to dance, and dance with Monica. She had been such a good friend, and invaluable in helping me prepare for college, and what I would face later on in law school. I would truly miss her, and I told her so. She lifted her head from my shoulder, a smile across her lips.

           "Really?" I nodded. "I’ll miss you, too. After all, who will I get to file for me?" I gave her a dirty look, which earned me a chuckle. "Just kidding. Though I will miss you, Emily." Her voice softened just a bit, and she looked into my eyes. I studied those dark irises. I felt butterflies attack my insides, feeling as if they might try and fly right out of my chest and be free. I saw her head incline just the barest inch, and then it hit me. She was going to kiss me. My heart began to pound, my stomach beginning a series of somersaults. I tried to steady my breathing, ready myself for it. Beth was the only woman I had ever kissed like that. My god. What should I do? Say? Then I was ripped out of my fantasy as Monica backed away, her eyes wide with surprise. "Uh." She stumbled. "It’s getting late, and a," she took several steps back from me. "I need to get you your going away gifts." That said, she quickly disappeared in the back of the house near the bedrooms.

           I stood where I was for a moment, stunned into silence, nailed to the spot. I could still feel her breath against my face, the urgency had washed off her in waves, flowing straight to me. I swallowed as I felt my body still thrumming, trying to get under control. My god. Was I ready for this?

           "Okay." My head shot up as I heard Monica’s voice coming down the hall. She held two wrapped packages in her hands. "Here ya go." I shook myself out of my daze, and put a smile upon my face as I walked over to her. I took the smaller package first, wanting to save the larger one for last. I took my prize over to the couch, and tore into the colorful paper that read Good Luck in silver letters all over it. I smiled at the hand-held tape recorder. "Trust me. You’ll need that." She said with a smile, nodding at the small, silver machine. I smiled my thanks, and set it aside next to me on the couch. I grabbed the other one, knowing it was a book of some sort as I tore into the paper that matched the other. I drew my brows as I held the brown leather book in my hands. The pages were tooled in gold, and in gold lettering on the front it told me that it was the first volume in a set of law books.

           "Um, thanks. Should I get the others in the set from the library?"

           "No. I’m giving you the whole set. I just didn’t feel like wrapping a million books, thank you." I smiled, truly astonished.

           "Monica." I breathed, staring up at her in awe. I knew that a set of those books were ridiculously expensive. "Why, you shouldn’t, wow." She chuckled.

           "They’re used. My mother gave these to me when I went to college. Some of it might be a little outdated, but you can always look up the new stuff."

           "My god. Thank you." I smiled from ear to ear. I was speechless. I jumped off the couch, book still in hand, and ran over to her, wrapping my arms around her neck.

           "Whoa!" she exclaimed as I nearly knocked her to the ground.

           "Thank you." I said over and over again. She rubbed my back, hugging me tight.

           "You’re welcome. Just do me proud, okay?" she pulled back from me, holding me at arms length. She looked deep into my eyes. "I really am going to miss you, Emily."

           "Me, too." I said, feeling the tears stinging at the back of my eyes. Why was it that the women I most cared about seemed to walk out of my life before I was ready?

           I stopped the rental car just in front of my parent’s house, seeing Billy’s truck in the drive. I tapped my fingers on the wheel, unsure what to do. I really did not yet want to go in. There was still so much more I needed to clarify within myself. So much more history I needed to dig through before I could face the next day. I needed to face Beth with understanding, and remembrance.

           Making my decision, I headed for the park. I zipped my heavy winter jacket against the bitter cold that tried to get inside, blowing my hair around my face. I tucked my hands into my coat pockets, headed for the swings. I had to chuckle to myself at how small everything felt to me. The swings never seemed to sit that low to the ground, and surly those black, rubber seats were wider than that?

           I pushed off with my booted feet, feeling the slight breeze blow against me as I gained altitude. I stared up into the gray sky, watching as it got closer, then farther away, only to get closer again. Maybe if I just reached out, I could touch it. I smiled as I did just that, my gloved hand reaching for the unattainable that was so deceptively close. Just like reaching for the stars. So close, yet so terribly far.

           The morning sun rushed in at me, making me squeeze my tortured eyes shut, groaning into the new day. I had stayed at Monica’s far too late the night before. I opened one eye, and looked at the clock, only to groan again. Damn. I had wanted to be on my way out by that time. Finally with a sigh, I rolled over and sat up, rubbing my eyes. As I opened them again and looked around my room, it suddenly occurred to me that that had been the last night I would spend there for quite a while. The realization hit me in the stomach. I glanced over to the corner of the room and saw my bags, packed the day before. Ready to go. Ready for me to go. I looked around the room again, seeing all my posters still hanging where they’d been for a few years, the same faces greeting me every single morning, the last faces I’d see every single night. I glanced over to my unicorn collection, realizing that I hadn’t added to it for quite a few years. Just sort of forgot about it.

           I stood from the bed, stretching my arms over my head with a strange half-yawn, half-groan. Finally getting myself together, I headed for the bathroom to shower.

           Monica had told me to stop by her place on my way out of town to pick up the books. I hoped I would have room for them in my dorm room. My Jeep was loaded, all my worldly possessions crammed into every available space. I stood in the living room, one parents both flanking me on either side.

           "You sure you don’t want us to go with you, honey?" my mom asked, her shaky voice just on this side of all out bawling. I shook my head.

           "I’m sure. You guys have more important things to do then waste three hours driving to Boulder with me.

           "Well, you know it’s really no trouble." My father chimed in. I smiled and hugged him.

           "Thanks, dad. I’ll be fine." Even as I said that, I had to wonder if they would. I pulled away from him and kissed his cheek. He smiled down at me, saying with his expressive eyes all that he couldn’t in words. I nodded, our silent communication complete. I turned to my mother, knowing I had to stay strong for her. She was already battling her emotions, and I knew if mine slipped even just a little, that would be it, and she’d be a puddle. "I love you, mom." I said, hugging her to me. I felt her body jerk as she swallowed in a sob. My own tears began to burn in my throat. I pulled away, a solid smile on my lips. "I’ll be home before you know it for Christmas." I said with exaggerated enthusiasm. My parents nodded silently. With one more round of hugs, I climbed into my Jeep.

           "Morning." Monica smiled, a cup of coffee in her hand as she answered the door.

           "God, how can you drink that stuff." I muttered. She chuckled.

           "Give it time. You’ll be downing the stuff like it’s water." She stepped away from the door, allowing me to enter. "Come on in, grumpy." I hissed at her, and she laughed. "Your books are in the spare bedroom." Together we managed to load the three boxes into my Jeep, and it was time for me to go. We stood by Monica’s front door, neither of us wanting to say goodbye. Finally she smiled, and grabbed me for a hug. "Good luck, Emily. I know you’ll do so well." She said into my hair. I nodded, holding her just as tight, my eyes closed. She gently pulled away from me, and looked at me. "I have one more gift for you." She said quietly. I stared at her, the butterflies from the night before returning to my stomach. She smiled softly, seeming to sense my nervousness. She placed a hand on either side of my face, and took a step closer. "I don’t think you give yourself enough credit, Emily." She said. I could only stare. "I think you are ready. Whenever you doubt yourself, think of this." She moved in, her eyes closing as she leaned in, my eyes closing instinctively as she touched my lips softly with her own, like the wings of those butterflies. Simple, but entirely pleasant. She drew back from me, my eyes slowly opening to see her smiling at me. "Good luck Emily." She whispered. "I’ll miss you."

           I pressed my fingers to my lips as I drove the long, straight highway that would take me to college. I could still feel Monica’s kiss, the softness, the tenderness. Maybe she was right, and I was ready. My thoughts inevitably turned to Beth. I had replayed the scene at the theater in my mind so many times. Each time it turned out different. My favorite one was where she turned to me, her back to the redhead against the wall, and smiled that cocky little smile of hers, and told me that she was glad I had finally come to my senses. She had taken me in her arms, just as she had the redhead, and it had been her lips against mine; not Monica’s. She had kissed me the way she had at my aunt’s funeral. Deep, filled with passion and love. Then my thoughts stopped. Did Beth love me? The way I loved her? Or thought I did, anyway. I had been so confused at that time, I didn’t know much of anything, and in all honesty had been glad to head off to Boulder, away from Pueblo. Too much drama, and too much to try and figure out at nineteen.

           I sat with my head leaning against the cold chain, the swing just barely moving, my feet moving in the cold, hard dirt as I brought those days back. Getting to Boulder, and the CU campus. What an amazing time, and I had not even realized it. That whole hindsight thing. I sighed as I realized just how simple life had been then. Go to class, do homework, attempt to get enough sleep and live off of Ramen noodles, and PBJ. How hard could it be?

           I gripped the pen tighter between my teeth as I growled when the shade fell into my hands again.

           "Od amit!" I exclaimed around my Bic, nearly falling backwards off my chair. I reclaimed my balance, and attempted to reach up again, my brows drawn in concentration. I glanced out the window of my third floor dorm, seeing all the people walking around down below. I wondered if any of them could see me standing practically kissing the glass. I managed to get one of the side pegs into the hole, then began to struggle with the other side. I held my breath as I got it close, standing on my tip toes. Being short sucked sometimes. With a victorious whoop, I stepped back, wiping the saliva off my chin that had squeezed out around the pen.

           "Nice going."

           "Ah!" I screamed, falling back against the window, and the shade, crying out again as it fell on top of my head. I spit out the Bic, and peeked out from under the shade. My roommate, Dana laid on her bed, her hands behind her head, legs bent and spread. She grinned at me. "Damnit, Dana!" I exclaimed, throwing the shade to the floor. "Don’t do that!" I stood on the chair to my desk, my hands in fists, fists on my hips.

           "Oh, you are just too cute when you’re mad, Embo."

           "Yeah, well you should know. Lord knows you piss me off enough." I hopped down from the chair. "And don’t call me Embo. How many times do I have to tell you?" I plopped down on my own bed, back against the wall, legs hanging off. I was thoroughly exhausted from the exertion of hanging the shade. Well, re-hanging it. Again. I got mad all over again when I realized that I would have to hang it yet again. "I should make you hang that thing back up, Dana."

           "You can try and make me." She said, wiggling her eyebrows. I shook my head.

           "Give it up. Not gonna sleep with you."

           "Why not?" she sat up, her hands resting on her knees. She blew her long, blonde bangs out of her eyes and smiled. "You just might enjoy it." she said, her voice low and teasing. I glared.

           "Right. That’ll happen." She laid back down with a quick raise of her light brows.

           "I know." I stared at her for a moment as she stared up at the ceiling that she had plastered posters of naked women on. I could almost see those wheels turning. I took her in, her long legs clad in torn blue jeans, her scuffed, worn sneakers. The sweater she wore that day was actually hole-free. I was impressed. Dana had been my roomy for the last three months, and had yet to cease amazing me. I often wondered just what exactly she was doing there at CU. She never went to class, never ever opened a book. In fact, I was not even sure that she had ever even bought a book for a class. I knew she was not a stupid person. Far from it. She just had a little too much partying to do.

           I shook my head sadly and stood. "I have a study group to go to. See you later." I grabbed my backpack from the floor by the closet, and slung it over a shoulder. I glanced at her at the door. She had not moved. With a shrug, I left. As I headed across campus for the library, I thought of my strange, obstinate roommate. The first day I had met her had certainly been an adventure. I had just gotten to campus, and after many tries, had found the building where my dorm was. She was already there, her things strewn all across the room. She had been sitting on her bed wearing just a pair of extremely brief underwear, and a tiny bra, her legs folded Indian-style, her hands on her knees, her eyes closed. I had stopped in the door, my arms loaded with my own stuff, and had stared. I was not sure if I was interrupting something, or, what.

           "Enter, you sexy thing." She had said, her eyes still closed. I stared at her, taken aback.

           "Excuse me?" I had taken a step into the room.

           "Why certainly." She said with a winning smile. I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or run screaming. Though Dana was definitely a laugh a minute at times, I wondered if perhaps the latter would have been wiser.

           "Emily? Hello, earth to Emily?"

           "Huh?" I snapped my head up, staring wide-eyed at my study partner, Katherine. She was grinning at me, a question in her eyes.

           "Where’d you go?" she asked, turning the page of her bio-chem book.

           "Sorry." I shook my head to clear it. "What were you saying?" I also turned the page in my own text, trying to figure out where we were.

           "I said that you took really great notes. The ones I copied?" I nodded, finally with it. "You ready for this test? I’ve heard it’s a real bitch."

           I listened on as Katherine prattled on about the class, and the professor, and the test. Well, I listened sort of. My mind flew back to Dana. Should I just give in to her? She was certainly persistent. One night when I had found her in a semi-serious mood, I began to ask her questions. Questions, which to my detriment, got her asking me to sleep with her on a daily basis. I wanted to know what it was like, the life of a lesbian. If that was what I was, I wanted to know before hand. What was I in for? I still could not say clearly in my own mind if that were the case with me or not. I thought it was, but just could not get myself to tell me if it was so. Dana saw different people constantly. Never staying with the same girl. I never understood this. She said it was simply trying all the different flavors. Certainly more information than I had needed, but I guess I understood.

           I walked down the hall of the dorm, stopping to get a Dr. Pepper out of the machine first. When I opened the door, I froze. Dana laid on her bed in much the same position she’d been in when I’d left; legs bent and spread, one hand behind her head. But this time, she didn’t have a stitch of clothing on. I watched in part horror, and part wonder as her other hand moved between her legs, dipping and moving. I could not stop my eyes from trailing up from her hand to her breasts that moved up and down with her slow, easy breathing. Her breasts were small, but firm, the light brown nipples erect. I was utterly transfixed, and had no idea what to do. Part of me wanted to leave, yet I couldn’t move. My eyes were ripped from her body when I heard her speak.

           "Hey. Was just thinking about you." I stared at her smile, suddenly seeing that mouth in an entirely different way. "You look like a deer caught in the headlights, there, Embo." She husked.

           "Don’t call me Embo." I muttered, my voice soft and deep, sounding like some dream. I barely recognized it. I suddenly became flooded with heat as embarrassment set in. "I’m sorry. I’ll go-"

           "No," Dana pulled her hand away from herself, and sat up. "Don’t. Come here." She whispered. Utterly void of thought, I dropped my backpack, and walked over to her bed, sitting down next to her, my hands in my lap, not daring to look at her. The mere heat that radiated off her was almost scorching me. "Don’t be nervous, Emily." She said into my ear, her fingers pushing my hair back off my shoulder before it strayed to my chin. She tipped my face toward her, and I finally met her eyes. They were heavy from arousal, and I had to gasp at that look. She grinned. "I have you know? Been thinking about you."

           "Why?" I asked, my voice a bit stronger, but still a bit breathy.

           "Because you, dear Emily, are scrumptious. I want you. I want this." She ran her fingers down my neck, and dipped them just below the collar of my sweatshirt. "May I?" she asked, a small smile playing across her lips. Dumbly I nodded. Her smile got wider, and she leaned in, kissed me.

           I laid there, the room dark and cool in the early November night. Thanksgiving break would start I just over two weeks. I could feel Dana sleeping next to me, me on my back, her on her side. One arm was draped over my stomach as she slept. I thought about what we had just done. I didn’t regret it. I was glad it had happened. It had certainly helped me to figure out more about myself, to be sure about myself. So much made sense to me at that moment. A sense of clarity I had never experienced.

           Once again my thoughts turned to Beth. Why couldn’t it have been her who had kissed me like that? Touched me like that? Made me feel like that? I sighed. It had been her at one time. I had not been ready. Why had we come to terms with who and what we were at such drastically different times? I sighed again as I turned to my side, Dana scooting up behind me, her body pressed against mine. I closed my eyes as I imagined in my mind that it was Beth who lay with me. It was her body that spooned my own. I was too young for regrets, but I sure had them. As I felt warm breath against the back of my shoulder, I thought that perhaps it was just time to let Beth go. There was nothing I could do about the past, and she had her own life back in Pueblo, filled with new people. She didn’t need a bleeding heart around. I loved Beth, and I knew she loved me, always would. But all the same, things had changed, and sometimes you just can’t change them back, no matter how badly you want to. It was time to let Beth go. Begin new in Boulder, discovering more of the woman that had been revealed that day with Dana. See what she had to offer.

           The day was getting colder, the iron heavens beginning to spit snow. I glanced up, catching a spiraling flake on my tongue. The park was completely deserted, and suddenly I felt so alone. I stood from the swing, my hips hurting from being shoved against the confines of the rubber seat so long. How on earth did children pull off half the things they did?

           I walked through the grass that crunched under my boots, headed for my car when I thought back once again. I had never imagined that a single event could change a person. After that night with Dana, I had come into my own, wanting to see just exactly what kind of stuff I was made of. What I wanted in the new-found woman. In short, I went nuts.

           Dana had made very clear to me that she was not even remotely interested in a relationship with me. If we happen to do the occasional tumble, that was fine, but nothing else. I was hurt at first, but then once I realized the possibilities, I was fine with that, too. And the occasional tumble we did. If neither of us had a date on a Friday night, we’d make our date. We actually became very good friends, sharing very intimate conversations. I guess having sex on a semi-regular basis with someone will do that. Don’t get me wrong, I was not a player by any means. I stayed completely faithful to whomever I was dating. It’s just that on a college campus as liberal as CU, Boulder, it was tough finding women who lived by the same principle.

           My first year in college flew by, dedicating myself wholly to academic excellence, and the pursuit of women. I wanted to try and understand this attraction I had to its fullest extent. I had made some wonderful friends, and was having a ball as the middle of my second year rolled around.

           I had promised my friend, Patty, that I would help her at the career fair we had every spring. High school seniors, or just curious students could go to the different career booths we had set up. I hated doing those, as I had been bribed into it both springs so far. I did not like it either time, and hated being such a sap I could not say no.

           "This sucks." I muttered as we sat at our booth. How many people are there out in the world who really feel the need to find out about, and pick up brochures on accounting? I knew there were some, but not that day, obviously. "We have not had one bite yet." I glared at her.

           "Oh, come on. You’re doing your duty to the school." She replied, re-straightening the straightened pile of brochures.

           "I pay them a lot of money every semester. Now that is doing my duty to the school." I pouted. "God, wasting an entire Saturday for this. I could be studying right now." I sat back in my chair, my arms crossed over my chest.

           "That doesn’t sound like too much fun." My head slowly rose from its position against my chest, and my mouth fell open. Wearing an old pair of black jeans, a tank with a flannel, and a backpack slung over a shoulder, stood Beth.

  PART 9

           "I PAY THEM a lot of money every semester. Now that is doing my duty to the school." I pouted. "God, wasting an entire Saturday for this. I could be studying right now." I sat back in my chair, my arms crossed over my chest.

           "That doesn’t sound like too much fun." My head slowly rose from its position against my chest, and my mouth fell open. Wearing an old pair of black jeans, a tank with a flannel, and a backpack slung over a shoulder, stood Beth.

           I could only stare. Who would have thought. Beth. She grinned at me, that familiar twinkle in her blue eyes.

           "Careful. You’ll catch flies that way." My mouth closed with an audible snap.

           "What are you doing here?" I finally managed. Patty looked on, from me to Beth and back.

           "What does it look like?" she said, running her hand up the strap of her backpack. "I happened to see you in here from the door there." I had not yet regained my thoughts enough to do more than nod. She chuckled. "Listen, I can see you’re busy here. When do you get done? Maybe we can go get some coffee?" she asked, the tiniest bit of hope in her voice. Again I nodded.

           "Well, I’m stuck here until five, but-"

           "Hey, I can wait." she said, shrugging the pack down her arm, and setting it on the table with a loud thud.

           "Just go, Emily. I really don’t think I’m going to get bombarded, or anything." I turned to my friend, and stared. I really didn’t know how to react to this. I felt silly, and like a child. I looked back up at Beth, almost as if to see with my own eyes that she had not disappeared, and was indeed still standing there. Then I felt a tiny spurt of anger surge through me, taking me by surprise.

           The last time I had seen her had been at the theater with that red head. Well, at least the last time she’d seen me. It all came back to me, the hope and fear that had mixed in my chest, spurring me on to do what at the time had seemed the right thing; tell her that I loved her, and wanted to be with her. The way she had wanted to be with me. But, I had been too late. Too late.

           As I stared up at her at that moment, I realized just how much I had missed just her presence in my life. Though I had vowed two years ago to forget about her, and just tie up all loose ends. It had been a time in my life, a time that she had been a very big part of, but that had been over, and was time to move on. Then, as my past stood there, staring me in the face, I knew that would never be possible to forget about Beth, and I had been a fool to think otherwise.

           I sat on the closed lid of the toilet, a towel wrapped around my body, the ends held together in my fist. I stared out the frosted-glass window in the shower, not able to see anything clearly, just the light from the morning. I knew that the sky was gray, like iron. A storm was due later in the evening. That was fine by me. Perhaps a little snow would do me good. Coincide with my heart that felt like a lump of ice in my chest.

           I took a deep breath, crossing my legs at the ankles, feeling the cool porcelain of the toilet against my shower-heated skin. A small shiver passed down my spine. Tearing my eyes away from the window, I squeezed them shut, trying to shut out what they so badly wanted to do. I could feel the stinging behind my lids, the tightness in my throat. Never in my life did I think I’d have to face such a day, nor had I any clue how difficult it really would be. At that moment I wanted to just find some deep, dark cave, curl up, and cry. I felt my lips part as I whispered one word.

           "Beth."

           The café was nearly empty. That time of day was good to go, I knew this from many, many months of experience. I often went to The C Ground, just to get away from the school, study, or whatever. Beth followed behind me as I led us to my usual table way in the back of the place, in the corner. I took my regular seat, tipping my chair back against the corner where the two walls met. She sat across from me, grinning at my childish antics.

           "What?" I asked, my whole body jolted as the front two legs of the chair landed solidly onto the tile. "Ow."

           "Nothing. I’ve missed you, Em." She said, her voice low. I stared at her, my mouth open. "There you go again. You majoring in fly-catching?" I chuckled lightly, and shook my head.

           "No. I guess I’m just a bit shocked to see you here, is all. Who would have guessed?" I waved to Barney, my usual waiter, and he walked over to us.

           "Hey, ladies." He said, smiling and lifting his brows at Beth. I had to stop myself from grinning. Barney flirted with anything in a skirt, but was he ever barking up the wrong tree. Beth glanced up at him with vacant eyes, and raised a brow. I put my hand in front of my mouth, chewing on my lower lip as I watched.

           "Yes?" Beth drawled at Barney’s continuous stare. He seemed to get the drift as he cleared his throat, and looked over at me.

           "The usual, squirt?" he asked. I glared. I then turned the glare on Beth when I heard her laugh. She sobered, giving me that innocent look that I realized just how much I had missed. I had missed everything about her.

           "Call me that again, Barney, and you’ll be missing a very integral part of your identity." I smiled sweetly up at him. He rolled his eyes, and walked off before turning around only to stand back next to our table.

           "I, um, forgot to get your orders."

           I felt Beth’s eyes on me as I looked at her, that familiar gleam in those baby blues, telling me I had done well. I smiled. I had missed that silent communication, too. Never needing to say a word.

           I finally stood from the toilet lid, unwrapping the towel, and drying my skin that was still dotted with drops of water. I stared at my reflection in the mirror after swiping a hand across its smooth surface. I stared at myself, my hair turned dark from the water, my eyes very green from the emotion that lay just behind. I had to be strong, I knew that. I just wished I knew how.

           People were beginning to flow into the café in earnest. The sun was going down on that Saturday, Beth and I still sitting across from each other. I sipped from my coffee cup, the hot fluid sliding down my throat, engulfing my stomach with heat. Beth narrowed her eyes, staring at my hands. I raised my brows in question.

           "You hate that stuff." She said, nodding at the cup. I glanced down, confused, then it came to me what she was saying.

           "Never." I smiled. "Are you kidding me? I owe my sanity and my grades to this stuff." I sipped to prove my point all the more, smacking my lips together. She shook her head, one of her trademark smiles firmly in place. "So," I said, taking a bite of my cheeseburger. "After you spent that summer in Wyoming, what did you do? Where did you go? And why did you leave in the first place?"

           "Well, after I left Cheyenne, I drove that old rickety pick-up back into Colorado. I went to Denver, and I left because I was sick of the place. I was tired of roaming from one place to the other. When I got back to Denver it occurred to me to," she sighed as she stared out toward the door to the place, her eyes a million miles away. "I wanted to get my life going, settle in somewhere." Her eyes then turned to me, "You know I didn’t graduate?" she asked, her voice quiet, almost ashamed. I nodded.

           "Yeah. I know." I said just as quietly. Her eyes left mine, staring down at the remains of her pancakes.

           "I’m tired of running from things, Em. I’m tired of running from me."

           I buttoned the last button on my silk blouse, running my hands down the front, feeling the smooth silk under my fingertips. I stared at my reflection in the mirror over the dresser in my old bedroom. I flipped my hair back over my shoulder, wanting to wear it down. Beth always liked it down. I ran my hands down over my hips that were covered by the black material of my black slacks. The final touch would be the jacket that went with the suit. I wore black heels. My face was somewhat pale, so I applied just the barest touch of make-up, a light lipstick. I was ready to go. Well, that is to say I was dressed. I would never be ready to go.

           I slipped my arms through the sleeves of the jacket, and picked up my purse, headed for the closed door to the bedroom.

           "Can I ask you a question?"

           I looked at Beth for a moment, almost afraid of what it would be.

           "Sure." I said, holding my breath. I wasn’t sure why I was nervous, but just was.

           "You came out, didn’t you?" I stared at her, seeing those half-hooded eyes, she knew the answer to her own question, but wanted to hear what I would say. I decided not to be coy.

           "How did you know?" she shrugged.

           "There’s a confidence about you, a sense of self that you didn’t have before. It’s like you are who you are, and don’t give a shit what anyone else says or thinks. It looks good on you." She smiled. I stared, then smiled, too.

           Rebecca met me in the hall just before the stairs. She looked beautiful in a black skirt suit, green silk blouse, her long red hair bound on top of her head, small ringlets falling around her face and neck. I smiled when I saw her.

           "You ready?" she asked. I stifled a small chuckle. Had been asking myself that question all day. I nodded. Ready as I’d ever be.

           The drive back to campus was a quiet one. I drove Beth to her dorm building, which was next to mine, and we sat in the Jeep, neither of us speaking. We had sat at the café for nearly four hours, and had covered so much ground. I felt at peace with her, as if were we to never see each other again after that night, I would not have felt any regrets or hurt any longer. Beth had explained to me that the girl at the theater had meant nothing, just a fling. She had not had any real steady relationships in the last two years, was just trying to keep moving. Trying to figure out who she was, and where she was headed.

           "I decided school was it. I want to make something out of myself." She had said. I felt so much pride at that moment. As we sat in the dark Jeep, she stared out the windshield when she said,

           "You know why I chose CU?" she turned to me then. I shook my head. "I saw you that night in the theater. You got up before everyone else, and I saw you. You walked out through the rear exit door, and out of my life." I stared in awe.

           "You saw me?" I asked, shocked. She nodded. "But it was so dark. How could you," she shrugged.

           "I don’t know. I think it was mainly I recognized the way you move, the way you walk. It was just a gut feeling, I guess."

           "Yeah, I was there. Had to see the show. I’ve never missed a production of yours, Beth. Wasn’t going to start then. Or now. You are in the drama department, right?" she nodded with a small smile and a nod.

           "Of course. If that wasn’t a stupid question." We smiled knowingly together, then both stared out the window again. We had said all there was to say for one night, but I think neither of us wanted to go, wanted to be separated again. Finally Beth sighed, and turned to me again. "I’m going to go. Have to be at work early in the morning."

           "Okay." I said quietly, not sure where this would go. Was that it? We made our peace, and now that would be all? I wanted her friendship back. Wanted her back in my life, but didn’t quite know how to say it. So I didn’t.

           "Well, good talking to you. Maybe we can talk again later." Beth grabbed her pack out of the back, and hopped down from the Jeep, her hand still on the roll-bar as she stared up at me. She smiled, then walked away.

           I stepped from my parent’s car in the parking lot, and right away saw Monica and Connie walking toward the church. The air was heavy and wet from the impending storm. Monica saw us and walked over to me.

           "Hey, honey." She said, gathering me up into a tight embrace. We pulled apart, and she smiled at me, everything she thought and wanted to say reflected in her dark eyes. I nodded, her words not necessary. "You must be Rebecca." She said, stepping over to my lover. Rebecca smiled, and grabbed the hand that Monica held out to her. Rebecca nodded with a smile.

           "Hello, Monica. Nice to meet you, though I certainly wish it were under different circumstances." Monica patted the hand within hers.

           "Yes. If this one here is up to it, Connie and I would like to have you both over for dinner tonight." I looked up as I felt three pairs of eyes on me. I looked from one to the other, gazing into the expectant eyes of Monica, the sympathetic of Connie, and the loving of Rebecca. How could I feel so loved, yet so alone at the same time? I truly didn’t believe anyone there understood just what was going through my head. What I was feeling. Hell, at that time I’m not so sure I was completely aware of the extent of things. So, I just nodded, figuring it was a safe gesture.

           "You ladies ready to go in?" I turned to see my father standing just outside our little circle of women, my mother standing next to him. She reached out, and grabbed my hand, pulling me with her. Rebecca followed us, into the church.

           I unlocked the door to the room I shared with a Freshman named Candice Parker. I was surprised that she wasn’t home. I don’t recall her ever going anywhere on a Saturday night. But, perhaps she’d gone to get something to eat. Part of me was glad, then I could relax and think without any interruptions. The other part of me was disappointed. I felt the need to talk at that moment. About life, about school, about Beth. Whatever.

           I took a deep breath, expelling it as I plopped down on my bed on my back, my arms up over my head, stared at the ceiling. I sighed then jumped as I heard a knock at the door. I looked back, craning my neck to look at it as if that would help me figure out who it was any better.

           "Who is it?" I yelled out.

           "Me." came a muffled reply. I rolled my eyes.

           "Me, who?" I said, irritated, and in no mood for games. I sat up, swinging my legs off the side of the bed, hurrying to the door, yanking it open. A stunned Beth stood in the hall, her mouth open as if to speak. She closed her mouth, and grinned at me.

           "Uh, hi." she said with a little wave. I waved back, still looking at her as if she’d lost her mind. "Um, well, it’s later. Wanna talk?" I grinned back, and nodded as I closed the door behind me. Leading the way down the hall.

           I thumbed through the little pamphlet that had been handed to me at the door of the church. I sat in the hard, cold pew, my body sliding against its polished, wooden surface. I sat between Rebecca and my mother, Rebecca to my left, my mother to my right. One held my hand, the other had their hand on my knee. I felt the smooth paper against my fingers as I looked at the smiling picture of Beth, probably taken a few years before. She looked healthy, happy, and beautiful. I read through the information they gave about her, her theater credits, as well as a commercial I had not been aware of. Then I had to smile at the part about her childhood. I saw my name, and what her mother had dubbed us many years before, "Trouble Twins". Lord, hadn’t that been the truth. Then it occurred to me that I had yet to see Nora Sayers. I knew she had to be there, so began to scan the crowed. Finally, I spotted her, near the door to the sanctuary, standing and talking with a good-looking man. To my surprise, I realized it was Jim Sayers. Had not seen him in years. Neither had Beth, as far as I knew. Fine time for him to decide to show. Standing with him was a woman who I remembered from a picture; his wife, Lynn. Jim nodded his head a few times from something Nora had said, then with a dismissive smile, led Lynn with a hand on her back toward a pew near the back. Nora watched them walk away, then turned to make her way toward the front. Shouldn’t Jim be there? I watched Nora, her graying hair teased to a ridiculous height. Her red and black dress, mostly red, was a bit tight for her body that had become pudgy through the middle with age. She looked tired, too much make-up on to cover her heavily lined face. She turned and her eyes landed on me, and she smiled, the red lipstick a bloody slash through a pale face. I smiled wanly, nodding slightly. She walked to her place at the front, sitting next to a blonde woman. I turned to look over my shoulder at Monica who sat behind me.

           "Who is that?" I asked, nodding toward the blonde. Monica leaned up and looked at the back of the woman’s head, then turned to me.

           "I think that’s Lana. She and Beth were living together when, well. They were living together." she sat back, squeezing my shoulder, leaving me to stare, and wonder.

           The campus was dark, the sporadically placed lamps not bright enough to break through the dense darkness in places. I felt perfectly safe, however, as Beth walked at my side. We had been strolling for about half an hour, neither saying much, just soaking in the cool night air, each lost in her own thoughts. As usual, I felt no need to speak, or any reason to make frivolous conversation. With Beth it was just a matter of feeling. Words were not necessary.

           "It’s very peaceful out here." she said finally, her voice hushed, not wanting to disturb the quiet of the clear night. I nodded.

           "Yeah. I used to go out walking all the time, but then last semester a girl was raped over there." I pointed off toward the library. Beth followed my finger, her brows knitted together, shaking her head.

           "Well, if you want to walk at night, come get me." she smiled down at me. I looked up at her, the realization dawning on me that I had not told her where I lived.

           "Hey, how did you find me, anyway?" she shoved her hands into the pocket of her jeans, and shrugged.

           "I followed you in." she said simply. I shook my head again, grinning. What a goof.

           "I do believe you’ve turned into a stalker, Beth Sayers." she chuckled at that.

           "Guess so." We continued to walk on for a moment. "You don’t mind, right?" she looked down at me, the moonlight catching in her eyes, making them seem transparent. I smiled.

           "Nope."

           "Alright then." she grinned, and stopped, falling to the ground. I looked down, shocked, wondering what the hell she was doing. She sprawled out on the grass, her hands behind her head, legs crossed at the ankles, and stared up into the sky, a big, goofy grin on her face.

           "Um, hello," I said, my hands on my hips. "What are you doing?"

           "Stargazing." she said, as if it were the most natural thing in the world to just plop down in the middle of a college campus at nearly midnight and look up at the stars. I stared at her for a moment, trying to decide if I were to join her, if she’d pop back up, telling me she was only kidding, or if she was serious. Biting my bottom lip, I decided on the latter. I lowered myself to the ground next to her, resting my hands on my stomach, and stared up into the sky. "Look." she said, her voice quiet, as she pointed up near a tree. "A shooting star."

           "Make a wish." I said, reveling in the feeling of peace that stole over me. I glanced over at her in time to see her close her eyes for a moment, her lips moving as she silently mouthed her wish. Eyes made gray by the night opened and looked over at me with a smile. She raised her brows, looked back up into the sky. I heard her chuckle softly. I looked over at her again. "You know, it’s funny. When I decided to come here, here I thought I’d be starting out new. Fresh. Then I run into you."

           The slight smile that had been on my lips fell. I stared back up at the sky. "Well, I’m sorry I ruined that new start for you, Beth." I said, my voice soft, trying to not let the hurt or surprise surface. I knew I had not done a very good job of hiding it. I never could. Here I had been so happy to see her, to maybe attempt to rebuild a lost friendship with a woman I had been friends with for over eleven years.

           "No, Em. No. I mean," Beth sat up, pulling her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around her shins. I stayed where I was, staring up at her back. "What I mean is, I thought I’d get here, have to start over. Meet new people. Make new friends. Something I was not really looking forward to, you know?" she glanced back at me over her shoulder, her long bangs partially covering her eyes. I met her gaze, but said nothing. A soft smile spread across her lips. "Here I was, thinking I’d know no one, be alone, and I find you. My best friend."

           My chest swelled. She always knew what to say to alleviate any fears or worries I may have. She just knew. Somehow.

           A very large man standing at the front of the dais began to sing Ava Maria, his powerful voice filling the large space. My throat tightened as I heard wheels running along carpet, the slightest squeak foretelling their progress. I knew what it was. I knew what that squeaking was announcing the arrival of. I could not look, could not make myself see it. If I were to see that, then that would mean that I was seeing the finality of the situation. There was no end to Beth. There just couldn’t be. Not for her.

           As I stared straight ahead, staring up at the crucifix placed above the front of the church, large, brightly colored stained-glass windows on either side, I thought back to those days in college. Those days of new discovery with Beth. My best friend. I felt a hand tighten around my own as the squeaking passed our row, headed up to the front of the church, the obvious weight burden keeping those squeaky wheels at a slow, steady pace. I could not look. Could not look. Could not.

           "Heads!" I ducked just in time to see a football whiz by my nose, the wind blowing my bangs off my forehead. As the ball plowed into my books, scattering my papers all over the blanket that covered the grass, I looked up, my glaring green eyes aiming to pin the person who dare interrupt my study time. Those green daggers met two sparkling blue eyes.

           "You." I growled. The blue eyes got closer until they were right across from me. Beth plopped down on my blanket, her shorts-clad legs crossing Indian style, her hands on her knees. She grinned at me as she reached for her ball. "You are evil, Beth. Leave me alone." I pouted.

           "Ah, huh. I believe you want me to do that." she tossed the ball in the air from hand to hand, daring me to take it from her.

           "I’m warning you, Beth," I said through clenched teeth, the ball in my peripheral vision. "I’m gonna shove that ball right up your-"

           "I’d love to see you try." she challenged. Beginning to get more than a little annoyed, I raised a brow at her, which caused her to cock one of her own. "Yes?" she drawled, as I bit my bottom lip, then the inside of my cheek, my brain calculating. I eyed the ball that continued to meet air, when with lightning fast movement, I grabbed it, and stood, nearly stumbling onto my face in my effort to get away from her before she could take the ball that I had just taken from her. "You’re asking for it, Em." she said, her voice soft, almost sing-song like. I stood away, tossing the ball up into the tree, only to catch it as it fell.

           "Really?"

           "Yeah, really."

           "I’m shakin’ in my boots, here."

           "Should be." Beth stood, her legs set wide apart, her hands rubbing together. For just a moment I felt a bit of fear, knowing Beth was a bunch taller than I, and that much faster.

           "You know, I can just about smell the smoke from the wheels turning in there." I said, my voice casual, though I did not even remotely feel casual in my idle threats. I saw that brow of hers quirk again, but nothing else. I took a step back, still casually tossing the ball up into the air, a little higher each time, my body ready to take off at a moment’s notice. She lunged, putting my legs into action. I screamed as I took off at breakneck speed, hearing her growl behind me as she chased, still a bit behind, but gaining with every heartbeat, which were fast and few in between.

           "Run, little girl. Run!" I heard chanted behind me, her voice low and evil. I couldn’t help but grin as I continued to pump those short legs of mine as fast as I possibly could, determined to give myself at least half a chance by sheer determination alone. To no avail. I screamed again as I felt hands wrap around my waist, stopping me from crashing to the ground. I was suddenly pulled back against her, breath in my ear as she husked for me to say uncle. "Say it!"

           "No!" I said, my voice just as breathy as I attempted to bring my heart rate under control from my little run. I struggled against the arms that held me captive, the ball held to my body.

           "Say it," I managed to twist out of Beth’s grasp, and ran, only to stumble and fall to a knee. I winced as I felt the grass embed itself into my skin. I fell, and rolled over onto my back in time to see her coming at me, falling down onto me, straddling my hips, pinning my arms down to the grass with her own. "Say it," she husked again, her eyes wild, a half smirk on her lips. I tried to twist out of her grip, which I knew was absolutely useless. I clenched my teeth and eyes shut as I attempted to break out of her unbelievably strong grasp. "This isn’t hard, Em." She chuckled. "You’re so stubborn. Just say it. Uncle,"

           "Never!" I opened my eyes to see her grinning, relaxing her grip a bit, but still determined. Suddenly those blue eyes flashed, and I knew I was in trouble. She brought both my wrists up to one hand, and with the other began to tickle me. "No!" I cried, squirming for all I was worth as I felt fingers attacking my ribs, my sides, my stomach, under my arms. "Oh, god, no! No! Won’t, ugh, won’t say, uhhh!" I could hear her laughing as she assaulted my poor body. Feeling like I could pee my pants, I shouted, "Okay! Uncle! Uncle! Aunt! Brother! Whatever you want! Just let me up,"

           "Ha." She said with satisfaction, and the weight that was holding me down was gone, my wrists released. I tried to catch my breath, opened my eyes to see Beth kneeling next to me, a grin on her face. "How ya feeling?" she asked, her words dripping with sarcasm. I stuck my tongue out at her, which got me another quirked brow. "Careful what you do with that." She warned, tapping her thumb and index finger together.

           "You are evil." I said, finally able to speak as I held myself up on my elbows. She grinned.

           "Yes, that I am.’ She stood, reaching her hand down to help me up.

           I stood at the pulpit, the bible that the minister had given me laying flat against the inclined board. My fingers caressed the thin, tissue-paper like pages, open to the scripture that I had been given the previous night, the scripture that I was to read. I did not see the lines that were before me, the words that I was to say, words that Beth never said, that meant nothing to her.

           Clearing my throat, I looked up, meeting the gaze of the audience before me. A small smile spread across my lips, and with a soft thump, I closed the heavy bible.

           "I am supposed to read this scripture." I said, raising the bible for all to see. I looked around the congregation, filled with people that I did not know, save for a handful. Who were they all to Beth? Would she be able to stand here and identify all of them?

           My gaze went to Nora Sayers, and I saw the confusion in her own eyes, so much like Beth’s. I smiled at her. I was not sure exactly what I was doing, and I think she understood that.

           "As I look out at you all, staring up at me, wondering what I am doing, wondering myself what I’m doing, I think to myself. I think that this is the sight that Beth loved the most." I smiled warmly at the rows of people. "She did love an audience." I nearly whispered, the microphone before me catching my words, filling the large quiet space with them. Someone coughed near the back. "I don’t really want to read these words, as beautiful and meaningful as they may be." I placed the bible back on the pulpit, and once again faced my listeners. "I just have something very simple to say." I could feel my eyes beginning to sting. God, not now. If I could only hold it down for a minute. This would all be over in a minute. "Beth was my best friend for many, many years. We were children together. Teenaged demons together." A few chuckles filled the room. I smiled, memories from the last few days flying by my eyes,

           "Oh, my god! Strickland is like, the absolute best director I have ever worked with!" Beth gushed, her eyes wide, excited. I sat across from her at our regular table in the café, a smile on my lips. I had not seen her so happy about anything in a long, long time. The bells above the door dinged as someone rushed in, trying to get out of the snow that continued to blow outside. "He has this incredible vision for this production, Em. I mean, his ideas are incredible!"

           Beth’s voice began to echo in my head, filling it as I stared at her. I noticed a small scar above her right eye that I had never noticed before. I had to wonder if that had been from the time she’d banged her head against the swing set at the school in fifth grade. Her head had bled like a stuck pig. But then, head wounds always seemed so much worse than they actually were, as she had reminded me at the time. Then I noticed the tiny specs of darker blue that littered her eyes, the color of the bluest June sky. So beautiful. Her dark brows above them raising and falling with her excitement level, a couple tiny dark hairs straying away from the others, marring what would otherwise be a perfectly arched brow. But it didn’t matter. Nothing could mar Beth’s beauty. Her beauty shone from the inside, blinding in its purity. She left me awe inspired. My eyes roamed down her face, down that straight nose, the tiniest beginning of a line on the right side. In another ten years that line would stick more, stay a little longer after a smile. My eyes trailed down to her lips, moving quickly as she spoke, the words now mute against my deaf ears. The flash of straight, white teeth as she formed words, made sounds, breathed. A tiny bit of saliva escaping the corner of her mouth, only for an errant tongue to snake out and catch it before it could go anywhere. The lips moist from her words, looking soft, just the slightest bit chapped from the cold, Boulder air. That dry, Colorado cold. Played havoc on skin. My eyes began to retrace their path until they fell upon twin eyes, half-hooded, one brow raised.

           "Are you listening to a word I’m saying?" I was snapped back into the café.

           "Um, incredible." I stuttered, blinking hard to knock myself back into the conversation. "His ideas are incredible." I smiled, proud that I could remember what she’d been talking about. She bit the side of her lip, wiping her hands on her napkin.

           "Uh, huh. His ideas were incredible about five minutes ago." She threw the napkin into her empty plate, and sat back in her chair, one arm hanging over the back.

           "Oh." I said, completely embarrassed. Where had my mind gone, anyway? To cover my feeling stupid-ness, I grabbed my cup of coffee, and sipped. I felt Beth’s eyes on me, but I could not meet her gaze. I had been staring again, hadn’t I? I had been doing a lot of that lately, and had no idea why. Beth was Beth. The same everyday. The same she’d been for the last ten or so years. But I just couldn’t help myself! My eyes refused to behave.

           "You going to Laney’s party tonight?" I heard asked. My eyes finally snapped up from my hands that were wrapped around the warm mug. I met the amused look, but shook my head. "Why? Should be fun." She tried to entice, but wouldn’t work.

           "Have to study."

           "God, Em!" she whipped her head back, her hands in the air with exasperation. "Live a little, for crying out loud."

           "Beth, we’ve had this conversation before. I am here to study. Not party." I explained, for the millionth time. Beth and I would just never see eye to eye on this subject.

           "What, and I’m not?" she said, suddenly sobering.

           "I didn’t say that. I was not talking about you, Beth. I was talking about me." I said, my voice edged just slightly with irritation. Why did she always have to infer that I was talking about her? I tried to catch her eyes, but she would not look at me. Then it hit me. Like a ton of bricks, it hit me. Beth still thought of herself as lower than me. Like she was not worthy. I felt my heart sink, then reached across the table to take her hand in mine. Her gazed raised to meet mine. She looked so shy. Jackpot. "Beth, don’t feel that you have to compete with me." I said, my voice soft. "We are different people." She opened her mouth to speak, but I stopped her, holding a hand up. "I could never do what you do on stage. Ever." She stared at me, and I stared back. We must have sat there for five minutes, just staring, holding hands. I did not want to let go, and was surprised when I felt her thumb rubbing over the back of my hand and thumb. A small, soft smile spread across those lips, and she nodded, as if coming to some sort of decision in her head.

           "Thanks." She said, her voice just above a whisper. I smiled back, squeezing her hand a bit tighter. She looked away, looking out the glass door of the place, seeing the wind had slowed, but the snow continued to fall. She turned back to me. "Wanna go walk in it?" Without hesitation I nodded. One of my favorite past times. We stood, and tugging our heavy coats on, tossing some bills onto the table, and heading out into the early winter evening.

           I swallowed hard, trying to make those snow-filled images leave my mind. I closed my eyes for a moment, only to open them to see the church still before me. "Beth," I stopped to clear my throat. "Sorry." I whispered, smiling slightly. "Beth was the kind of person who, who you could count on for anything. For everything." I glanced out the window, seeing the snow beginning to lightly fall. I smiled. "How many of you from the neighborhood remember Beth’s snow creations?" again, chuckling around the sanctuary, as I saw heads bobbing with the memory. "What about the year she made the anatomically correct reindeer?" I grinned, looking to Billy, who had helped her. He tried to hide his smile behind his hand. "Or how about that horrible victory cry she’d yell when we played street football?" I found myself chuckling along with that one, as well. Seeing and hearing it plain as day in my mind’s eye. "And could she ever make a good snowball,"

           The campus was nearly empty as the later the night got, the colder it got. Beth and I strolled along the path, my hands tucked inside my coat pockets, hers tossing a ball of snow around from hand to hand. We talked. And then she said something that for some reason made me get quiet.

           "I’ve decided to take that cute little blonde out." She said, her tone casual. She glanced over at me, the devil in her eyes. I didn’t look back.

           "Oh." Was all I said.

           "You know the one I’m talking about, right?" she threw the snowball up in the air, catching it mid-fall. I nodded.

           "Yeah. Madeleine Briggs from your Aspects of Theater class." I said, my voice low, even.

           "Gee, don’t sound so excited about it, Em."

           "Sorry." I said, putting a smile on my face. Why the hell was I ticked? She had a right. Just because we had been spending every single free minute together for the last semester didn’t mean I had any claim to her, or anything. She smiled back, though it was obviously forced. For just a second I got the strange feeling that she was not all that excited over the prospects of Madeleine Briggs, either. "What are you planning to do?" I asked, I suppose trying to pry information out of her that I could take home and dissect later. God, I was a bad person. She shrugged.

           "I don’t know. I was thinking about taking her to Laney’s party."

           "Oh." Now I really didn’t want to go.

           "But, I don’t know." She said with a sigh, then I sucked in my breath as I felt incredibly cold fingers slide incredibly more cold snow down the back of my shirt. I stopped, bringing my shoulder blades together to attempt to stop the progress of the snow from chilling any more of my back than necessary.

           "You are evil," I managed through clenched teeth. She began to laugh, then backed away, gathering more snow as I tried to get myself composed enough to attack, or at the very least, defend myself.

           "You’re gonna get it!"

           I head the words echoing in my mind as I lowered my head, my eyes closed as a lone tear managed to escape past the walls of my heart that were quickly weakening, falling with every memory, every moment I ever spent with her. Every time I saw her look at me in that special way that only Beth could look, making you feel special, separate from the rest of the crowd. I liked to think that that look was just for me, but never really knew for sure. The tear slid down my cheek, falling to the bible on the pulpit below, making a dark spot on the already dark leather.

           "Beth was a presence," I continued shakily. "Not a person. She had a gift. A gift to be able to reach down inside you, touch a part of your soul, and take it with her." I did not raise my head as another tear slipped out to follow the path of the first. I could not face the eyes that watched me struggle, watched my internal battle that I was quickly losing. As my voice began to quiver just a bit, I heard the sound of someone blowing their nose, and yet someone else crying quietly. I could not look into the tortured eyes of someone else when I could barely face my own torment. "She was my best friend." I whispered, and stepped away from the microphone, from the very visible eyes of the others, stepping away from myself, from my self-control. I needed air. Needed to be alone.

           "Hello?" I said into the receiver, just a bit more than annoyed. I hated being bothered when I was writing a paper. But then, I was the one who forget to unplug the phone.

           "Ha ha! Got you at home. Goody."

           "Beth. What do you want?" I asked, flipping through my dictionary, looking for the perfect word that would fit.

           "Come out with me."

           "Can’t. Give me a word for alike?" I said, my brows drawn as I continued my search.

           "Um, let me think. Oh, got a good one." I could hear the smile in her voice, and so looked up from my dictionary, waiting to hear the terms of use. "I’ll give you this wonderful, great, terrific word if you come out with me."

           "Beth, I have a dictionary in my hands as we speak."

           "So? But it wouldn’t come from me." She countered. I took my reading glasses off, tossing them onto the desk, rubbed my eyes.

           "Okay. Where?"

           "To Laney’s party." I groaned.

           "Beth,"

           "No whining. Yay or nay?" with a loud sigh, I agreed.

           "Fine. Spill it." I said, my fingers poised above my type writer. "And this better be good." I warned.

           "Symbiotic." She said, obviously proud of herself. I re-read my sentence, fitting Beth’s word in, and having to admit that it worked perfectly. "I did good, right?"

           "Yes. You did good. Fine. I’ll go." I was about to hang up, but stopped. "What about Madeleine? I thought she was going to go with you?"

           "Nah. Decided I’d rather go with you. See you in fifteen minutes."

           I sat there, the phone still in my hand as I processed what she had just said. What did she mean by that? Or had she meant anything at all? I buried my face in my hands. I seemed to be reading into everything she said, and that was not good.

           "Why?" I moaned into the empty room.

           Beth drove us to Laney’s house in the piece of crap car she’d bought over the summer. "Hey, it was cheap and gets me where I need to go." Had been her defense. "Okay. Well it sort of gets me where I’m going." She had grudgingly amended.

           Laney Wilson was one of my best friends at CU, and had taken to Beth right away. Everyone had fallen in love with Beth when I’d introduced her. She was so charming, and fun. She had fit in just fine. Sitting in the passenger seat that had been taped together with duct tape, I thought about this. I was glad Beth got along with my friends. It made it much easier for us. However, part of me, the childish, selfish part, wanted Beth all to myself. When she had shown up at my dorm, she had looked great in a pair of loose cords, and a tucked in flannel. Her hair, which she had begun to grow out the year before, was shiny and clean, her long bangs tucked behind her ears. She had looked great. But then, Beth would look great in a potato sack.

           I watched as the night passed by the windows, the darkness tinged with a pinkish/orange hue from the snow reflecting off the street lights. It was truly a wondrous night.

           Laney’s house was well lit, cars everywhere they could possibly find a place to park, as well as one or two on the front lawn. I wondered if Laney knew this? Pulsing base bounced around the night, vibrating the air. The Go Gos song, "Head Over Heels" throbbed out the front door. I smiled. I had fond memories of that song from the year before. Beth and I made our way up to the house, and went inside.

           Blindly, I made my way down the side aisle of the church, the tears in my eyes making it impossible to see any of the sympathetic faces that I passed. I didn’t want to see them, anyway. I had to get myself together.

           Once out in the cold, October air, I leaned against the brick building, my eyes closed as I took in deep breaths, filling my lungs.

           "Emily." My eyes opened and I turned my head to see Rebecca standing just outside the door. "Are you okay, babe." She said, her voice quiet as she walked over to me. I pushed away from the wall, crossing my arms over my chest to ward off the chill. I think I was also trying to push her out, make myself inaccessible to her.

           "Yes. I’m fine." I said with a sigh. I really just wanted to be alone. She stepped closer, placing her hand on my arm. I could feel her eyes on me, the worry radiating off her in waves.

           "What is it, Emily? Pleas don’t shut me out. Talk to me."

           "What would you like me to say?" I asked, turning on her, taking a step back. She sucked in a surprised breath, her eyes wide. "I just," I stopped, looking out into the parking lot, trying to think just what I was trying to say. "I think I just need to be alone right now, Rebecca. I need to think." I looked back at her with pleading eyes. She nodded, her eyes wondering, not able to meet mine.

           "Okay." She said, then walked away. I could see the slump in her shoulders, the edge in her walk. She was hurt, and confused. I felt terrible. Why was I not able to let her in? Explain to her what was going through my head? I supposed because I was not sure, myself.

           "Hey, you two." Laney grinned when she saw us walk into the small house. She came over to us and hugged me, patting Beth on the shoulder. "Good for you, Beth. Don’t know how you got her to come, but good for you." Beth grinned down at me.

           "I gave her a word." Laney’s brows drew in confusion, but she just shrugged when Beth did not explain any further.

           "Um, okay. Well, anyway, have fun, ladies." She winked at me, and I stared at her retreating back as she disappeared between dancing bodies.

           "Alrighty then," Beth said, rubbing her hands together. "I want a drink." She began to look around, trying to find where the alcohol was being kept. "A ha!" she exclaimed, tugging me by the hand toward a distant place in the corner of the room.

           "You know, it really must be nice being tall." I grumbled as I tried to avoid a nasty collision with some writhing person who was getting into the beat of the Go Gos just a bit too much.

           "What are you having, Em?" I heard asked. I snapped my head around from looking at the other party-goers to see Beth holding two bottles in each hand. I scrunched up my nose. "Come on, Em. Just have one drink. For me?" she begged, the bottom lip sticking out. I had such an urge to nip that protruding lip between my teeth. Taken aback by my thoughts, I actually took a step back.

           "Okay. One. I don’t care. Whatever you’re drinking."

           Beth handed me a glass bottle, which surprised me. I looked up at her, and she shrugged. "Eh, figured you’d be able to handle a Coors and still study later." I grinned at her, and followed her through the throng of people until we ran into a few of our other friends. We all stood around talking when I noticed a woman walk into the house with another girl, neither of which I knew. The woman looked around her long, brown hair pulled back into a ponytail. She spotted our little circle of friends, and stared at me, then brown eyes moved on to Beth where they stayed. I stared at her as she stared at my best friend. I wanted to find some way to ward her off, get her to leave Beth alone, even if she was just looking. I hated the feeling of jealousy, but it permeated my body, making me angry.

           "Hello? Earth to Emily?" my head snapped around until I saw our friend Richard staring at me, his eyes expectant.

           "Sorry. What?" I asked as I sipped my beer, trying to not wince. Nasty, nasty stuff.

           The party dragged on, as parties tend to do. I was not a fan of them. Never had been, and certainly never saw myself as being one. As my conversation continued with Richard and his girlfriend, Ann, I turned to ask Beth a question, and noticed that she was gone. My brows drew, and I looked around.

           "She want dancing, Emily." Richard said. I looked back at him, shocked. I had never seen her go. I sighed, suddenly feeling very alone.

           I stood in the back of the sanctuary leaning against the wall as the minister said his last words, bringing the service to an end. My eyes grazed the crowd, seeing the backs of their heads as they all listened, some putting their coats on, or gathering their children. Ready to leave. My eyes strayed back to the front, seeing the minister with his eyes closed as he finished with a prayer, then gave the congregation instructions as to where the service would be to inter Beth. I walked out, headed toward my parent’s car. I’d wait for them there.

           Many beers, a few dances, and many discussions later, I began to wonder through Laney’s house, looking for Beth. I was ready to go home. It was late, and I was beyond tired, my mind reeling to the test I had the next day. I peeked into the bedrooms, the kitchen, even the bathroom, but she was nowhere to be found. Curiously enough, I realized that I had not seen the brunette since, either. I knew I was being silly, but still….

           I tossed my half-empty beer into the trash under the kitchen sink, and glanced out the window, and saw some people scattered throughout the backyard. Curious, I opened the back door, and stepped out onto the back porch, then froze. Out in the yard, just barely in the light from the porch light, stood the huge cottonwood. Sitting on the hard, cold ground, her back against the massive trunk, sat Beth. The cute brunette on her lap, straddling her. They were kissing, hands everywhere. The brunette, with closed eyes, broke the kiss, arching her neck for Beth’s mouth to probe. Struck, I felt nauseous. Suddenly images crashed into my mind: stepping out of the bathroom at the State Fair to see Beth and Casey ducked behind the trailer of a rig making out. Opening the big, metal door at the theater only to find Beth and the redhead at the far end of the hallway. I felt hurt and betrayed. Why? Why couldn’t she see me like that? Why couldn’t it be me who sat on Beth’s lap, tasting her mouth, then having her mouth on my neck?

           Suddenly feeling suffocated, I needed to get out of there. I wiped an impatient hand over my eye before the tears that were threatening to seep out could dare fall, and searched my pockets for my keys before remembering that Beth had driven us.

           "Damnit!" I searched through the house until I found Laney. I called to her, and she turned to look at me, concern immediately filling her face.

           "Emily? What is it?" she walked over to me, placing a hand on my shoulder.

           "Please take me home, Laney." I said, my voice small, feeling even smaller.

           "What? Why? Are you okay?" she pushed me away from the group she’d been talking to, taking us to a place a little less populated. I was grateful. I felt ridiculous enough as it was.

           "Please, Laney?"

           "Where’s Beth? I thought-"

           "Laney!" I exclaimed, not wanting to go into it, and getting extremely irritated. Damnit, why couldn’t I just go home? She could read it on my face. She nodded, her face softening.

           "Okay. Let me get my keys."

           I sat in the passenger seat of Laney’s little Honda, my coat folded in my lap, staring out the window. Laney drove in silence, and I was glad. Finally we reached my building. The car idled quietly as we sat there. Me not ready to get out quite yet, Laney not ready for me to go. I knew she wanted answers, but I wasn’t so sure I had them.

           "What do you want me to tell her?" she finally asked. I took a deep breath followed by a shrug.

           "You know, I really don’t know." I smiled ruefully over at her. "I guess just tell her that I had to go home."

           My friend smiled sadly at me, but nodded. "Okay."

           I gathered my belongings and myself together, and opened the car door, stepping out. She leaned across the passenger seat and looked out at me.

           "You know, I don’t know why you two don’t just do it and get it over with." I could only stare. She smiled, and drove away. Why, indeed.

           I could feel the rough bark against my hands, my fingers digging into it as I felt soft lips beneath mine, parting for me. My eyes were closed, but I knew who’s lips they were. Beth, I whispered, feeling her beneath me, as I sat in her lap, my knees on either side of her. I felt hands in my hair, running down my back, down lower until they slipped underneath my sweater. I sighed, feeling the wetness of a tongue against my neck suddenly. I sighed again.

           BAMBAMBAM!

           My eyes snapped open, my surrounding strange, me completely disoriented. I sat up on my elbows, trying to figure out what the hell had just happened. I began to realize I was in my bed, in my dorm room when I heard the banging again, and realized it was my door. Someone was knocking on my door. Well, more like banging on it.

           "What?" I called out, irritated as I looked over at the clock to see it was barely eight in the morning. More banging. "Jesus," I muttered as I threw back the covers, and sauntered over to the door in my sweats and tee. "It is too god damn early-" I stopped as Beth stared back at me. I just looked at her, not sure what to say. Then my dream began to filter back in, and I remembered her mouth on mine, her hands on me, and I knew my face must have turned every color known to man. I took a step back. "Hi."

           "Hi." She returned, though she did not sound like a happy camper. Then without a moment’s hesitation, she strolled past me into the room.

           "Come on in." I quipped, standing near the door, but pushing it shut. I turned to look at her, waiting for her to speak. She took her leather jacket off, tossing it on Candice’s made bed. Good thing she had a morning class.

           "So what’s the deal?" she asked, turning to me, her arms crossed over her chest, her stance very imposing.

           "With what?" I asked, crossing my own arms.

           "Why did you leave the party?"

           "I had to get home." I answered simply.

           "Yeah, that’s what Laney said. But I want to hear it form you. Why did you leave." She took a step toward me. I held my ground.

           "Like I said, I had to get home." I said again, though my voice a bit less believable. Even to my own ears. I sounded weak. She took another step.

           "I don’t believe you, Em." Beth said, her voice low, deep, almost menacing. I raised my chin in challenge.

           "I don’t care what you do or do not believe, Beth. You knew I had things to do. I needed to get home. I was tired. I went to find you, but-" I cut myself off, my eyes snatched away from hers. I did not want her to know that I saw her with that girl for some reason.

           "But?"

           "But I couldn’t find you." I lied, my voice quiet, belying everything I had just said.

           "You saw me, didn’t you?"

           "Beth, please just go. I need some sleep. I don’t have class for another three hours,"

           "Don’t lie to me, Em." Beth grabbed her jacket off of Candice’s bed, and headed toward the door. I stared at the ground when I saw her stop in front of me. I could feel her breath against my bangs, tickling my forehead. Somehow I garnered the courage to look up at her. She stood not half a foot away, staring into my eyes, looking at my face, down to my mouth, then back up to my eyes. She was guarding her expression, and I could not read her at all. I hated when she did that. I looked deep into those baby blues, trying to see past the wall she had put up, trying to read what she was thinking. Was she angry with me? I didn’t think so. There was another emotion that fell from her in waves, but I didn’t dare give voice to what I thought it was, because I felt it, too. "Get some sleep." She finally said, her voice low and husky, then turned away, and stepped out into the hall, closing the door softly behind her. I stared at the door, trying to figure out what had just happened. She had come to get answers from me, but instead left so many of her own questions. I covered my face with my hands, and leaned back against the wall behind me, sliding down until I sat upon the carpet. Oh, Beth.

           I tried to concentrate on school, as the holidays were quickly approaching, which meant finals soon. Thanksgiving was behind us, and now it was a race to make it through the end of the semester, and get to Christmas. I had stayed clear of many of my friends, as was my custom around that time of year. They all knew me well enough to know to leave me well enough alone. But there was really one person in particular that I was trying to stay away from. I did not want to get myself feeling things that I should not be feeling. Again. I had a nasty suspicion that it was too late, but if the old adage: out of sight, out of mind, ever worked, I wanted to find out. It didn’t. My mind strayed to Beth constantly, and I really didn’t know what to do about it. She had called my dorm a few times, and Laney had told me that she constantly asked for and about me. I could not do it. I only had a year and a half of school to go before going on to law school. I needed no interruptions.

           I did, however, hear that Beth had turned into quite the heartbreaker. She dated this one, and that one, then not a week or two later, was on to the next. Why? Just what exactly was she trying to prove? To whom? I just reasoned it was not my problem to worry about anymore. Not that it had ever been.

           I nearly jumped out of my skin when I first saw the face, then heard the voice of Laney as I removed the book from the shelf in the library. She stood on the other side of the stack, and grinned at me in the gap between books. I glared at her.

           "That was hardly funny, Laney."

           "I thought it was." She chuckled, then disappeared, only to stroll around to my isle. "Okay, woman. Here’s the deal. Richard is having a small, intimate get together at his place for Christmas. I figure we can all exchange gifts, that sort of thing." I just stared at her, already not interested. I began to shake my head when she held up a hand. "Ah. Wait, before you say no. It’s on Friday, the week before finals start, so don’t even try that one." I rolled my eyes, not wanting to get boxed into anything. I just wanted to study in relative peace.

           "Laney, I have to study.." I whined.

           "So study Saturday." I sighed. I knew I should go. I hadn’t spent any time with the gang in over a month. Finally with a resigned nod, I agreed. Laney smiled with glee, and clapped her hands together. "Yay!"

           I threw on my coat, and grabbed my keys, ready to go to Richard’s. I did not want go, but had promised. The week before we had all drawn names for who we were supposed to buy for. I had drawn our Richard’s girlfriend, Ann. I knew she was into Def Leppard, so got her the newest cassette they had released. Keys, and package in hands, I walked out to my Jeep. The weather was cold, December well in hand, and a bad storm the previous weekend. The holiday spirit was everywhere, decorations all over campus and the town. I had to smile as I saw a Santa Clause talking to a little girl on the street corner, his big bulk having to kneel down to be at her eye level. She grinned up at the big, jolly one. An old holiday tune sung by Elvis blared out of my speakers, and I could not help but sing along, beating my palm against the cold steering wheel. I truly loved the holiday season, and could not wait to get home, and my mom and I could do our annual Christmas shopping in Denver. I just wanted the semester to be over with.

           I pulled up to Richard’s apartment building, and locked the Jeep up, jogged up the two flights of stairs. I knocked on the door once, when it was thrown open and I stared up at Richard. He grinned.

           "Merry Christmas." He said, pulling me in, hugging me.

           "Um, Merry Christmas to you, too." I said, surprised by his near giddiness. I walked over to the four foot tree that stood upon a table in the corner of the room, and placed my gift under it with the others.

           "Give me your coat, Emily." I turned to see Ann standing behind me with anther coat tossed over her arm. I struggled out of mine, and handed it to her. She disappeared down the hall. I turned to see who all was there. Richard, of course, Laney and her boyfriend, our friends Tanya and Lauren. Sitting in the recliner by the window was Beth. I just stared, not expecting to see her. Laney had not mentioned her, though why would she?

           A light drizzling snow was beginning to fall. The type where you could look up, stick your tongue out, and catch tiny flakes of watery snow. I walked around the graves, trying to not step on them. That had been something Beth had gotten on my case for once.

           "You can’t step on ‘em, Em! That’s just rude."

           Just up ahead I could see the green tarp covering that had been set up over the graveside. A few chairs had been set up for the immediate family, which was not much. Rebecca walked next to me, but said nothing, nor did she try and touch me. I knew I had some apologizing and explaining to do, but later. Not now. My parents and Billy brought up the tail end of our little parade.

           We stood under the tarp, but did not sit. Nora Sayers sat front and center, flanked by Jim and his wife to her left, and a blonde woman I didn’t know on her right. Monica and Connie walked up next to me, Monica squeezing my fingers. With a deep sigh, I looked to the center of attention. The casket was beautiful; white with silver handles and decoration. Flowers of different colors and types were placed atop it. I wondered where they had found such beautiful flowers this time of year. Must have cost a lot. The minister walked up to the other side of the casket, facing us, and opened his large book. He reached up, straightened his glasses, then began to speak.

           It never ceased to amaze me how Beth could just pop in and out of my life at the strangest, and most inopportune times. She looked up from her chair, and smiled at me.

           "Merry Christmas, Em." She said. I nodded.

           "Merry Christmas." I walked over to the kitchen where Richard and Ann were piling snacks on trays: crackers with cheese logs, cookies with brightly colored icing making silly Santa faces or snowmen. "Can I help?" I asked, leaning against the breakfast bar. Richard looked over his shoulder at me.

           "Yeah. Get drinks ready." He said, nodding toward the fridge with his head. I walked over to it, taking out cans of different kinds of canned soda, grabbing as many as I could with my hands and arms, holding them all against my chest, and setting them on the counter.

           "Want some help?" I looked up to see Beth standing next to me, her hand on her hip. I took in her festive sweater and black cords. She wore a Broncos baseball cap. I chuckled.

           "Do you have any idea how much you clash?" I grinned, taking in the red and green sweater, then the blue and orange of the hat. She looked down at herself, and smiled.

           "Hey, a true die-hard fan does not care. They’re in the play-offs. Got to support my boys. Elway’s first Suprebowl, you know."

           "They’re not there, yet, Beth." I pointed out, handing her a stack of cups to fill with ice.

           "They will be. Mark my words."

           "Uh huh." I said, purposefully trying to tick her off with my lack of interest. A point of contention between us for years.

           Many Christmas cookies, and spiked egg nogs later, we all sat on the floor in the living room, ready to play a game of Conscience.

           "Okay. The way the game is played is this," explained Richard, holding up an empty tequila bottle. "Couple spin the bottle with truth or dare. You spin the bottle, making you the conscience of the person who it points to. You ask them any question you want. They have a choice of either answering it, honestly," he looked around the circle, eyeing us all with that word, "or taking a drink."

           I heard nothing the minister said as I stared at the stone near the casket:

           Elizabeth Sayers

           October 23, 1967
 October 12, 2001

           She lived as she loved.

           My mind focused only on those few lines. My brain refusing to make them real, make them even remotely permanent. I watched Nora as she sat there, the blanket the funeral home had provided spread across her legs. Her hand raised up to her nose every few minutes, the white Kleenex she clutched becoming more and more saturated, small black marks as her mascara was cried off. Jim sat dry-eyed. He almost looked as if he either felt nothing, or perhaps was just numb. Like me.

           As I stood there, I felt so strange, as if I weren’t even really there. As if I were just a doll, waiting to go home. Waiting for my owner to come and pick me up. It was very surreal. My eyes were heavy, my lungs heavier from the cold air. Then, to my surprise, I realized that the cold was coming from inside of me. Something had died in me that day. Something I couldn’t quite define, but wondered if I would ever get back. Or, ever figure out what it was.

           I felt the smooth glass of the bottle in my fingers. It was my turn to spin the bottle, already having embarrassed the hell out of myself when answering Laney’s question to tell her about the time I’d lost my virginity. Not pleasant conversation, I assure you. So, I placed the bottle on the piece of cardboard we had put on the floor to make spinning easier, and let it go. It spun round and round, and I couldn’t take my eyes off of it as I wondered where it would land, already formulating questions in my head that would pertain to anyone present. Then, with one final shaky spin, it stopped. I looked up, following the path of the mouth of the bottle, meeting blue eyes. Oh, boy. I stared at Beth for a moment, trying to decide what I wanted to ask her. The entire night she had hung around me, hanging on my every word, confusing me all the more. She had been touchy, quite unusual for her. Even Laney had asked me about it. I had no answer for her. So I sat there, tapping my chin with my finger, studying my best friend with hooded, thoughtful eyes.

           "Okay." I said finally. Everyone waited, breathless, to see what I’d say. "Beth,"

           "Yes, Em?" she asked, quirking a brow. I grinned.

           "If you could kiss anyone in this room, who would it be." I asked, my voice quiet, almost daring. Quiet chuckles were heard, as everyone there knew the situation, and I believed had secretly been making bets. The three other women in the room looked on, curious to see what Beth would say. Most everyone had answered their question, a near full bottle of tequila waiting for someone to take their drink option. Surly that would not happen. After all, we all had said we wanted to stay sober, and level headed for study time over the weekend. Beth stared at me, her eyes never leaving mine as she thought about my question. Part of me wanted to look away so badly, almost ashamed for asking. It had been a bit manipulative. I hoped I knew the answer, but didn’t want to hear it. Yet,…

           Beth sighed deeply, then cleared her throat, never breaking eye contact with me.

           "I think I’m going to have to choose to take a shot." She said, her voice just as low and daring as mine had been. Without a word, she reached her hand out to grab the shot of tequila that Richard had poured for her. She raised the small shooter to me, then downed it in one gulp, her face contorting as the liquid fire slid down her throat. My face fell, but I tried to hold it together. Not wanting to give anyone the satisfaction there of knowing that I was crushed. Beth had hurt me. And she had hurt me bad.

           I stood where I had been before, many of the people leaving. I could still see in my mind as Beth’s casket had passed below ground level, disappearing into the earth. So final. My face still felt tight and stiff from the seemingly endless supply of tears that had streamed down my cheeks, I unable to stop them. The numbness that had filled me during the minister’s words of finality had melted away, overcome by the unbelievable sorrow as they had begun to lower Beth. Lower her to her resting place. I could hear my mother crying, Monica standing next to me had wept silently, her holding my right hand, Rebecca holding my left arm, as I, too wept silently. Not uttering a sound, just weeping. I could not stop the tears if I had tried, but I hadn’t wanted to. I needed to cry. I needed to release. I needed to grieve.

           I felt frozen as I stood there, not really sure about who was around me, the numbness returning even though tears still slid from my eyes, warm as they seeped out, then freezing my face as the cold air hit them, making me shiver.

           "Honey," I heard my mother say to my left, her hands wrapped around my arm. "Come on, honey." She whispered, her voice thick from emotion.

           "No." I said. "I’m going to stay for a bit."

           "Are you sure, baby?" I nodded, like a robot, not feeling the nod, just knowing I was nodding. "Okay. See you at home." Rebecca hugged and kissed me, then left with my parents. I felt someone standing beside me, and I turned to see it was the blonde who had sat next to Nora. She looked at me, smiled.

           "You must be Em?" she said, surprising me by using Beth’s name for me. I nodded. She was very beautiful with long, blonde hair, swept back over her shoulders, her blue eyes clear and honest. "I’m Lana." She extended her hand, which on autopilot I took. "I, well, Beth and I lived together for five years." She turned and looked over at the stone that had kept my rapt attention. "I was with her when she," her voice broke just a bit. She cleared her throat, and turned back to me with a smile. "I heard a lot about you over the years. I always wanted to meet you. And here we are." I smiled weakly.

           "I guess so." I said, my voice quiet, unrecognizable to myself.

           "She used to talk about you all the time. At first I was almost jealous." She smiled again. I could understand how Beth had fallen in love with this woman. Her pure heart was placed upon her sleeve, as well as her undeniable grief. "Um, Em, I want you to know that Beth was happy. She was loved. Very much." She whispered, ducking her head for a moment. She seemed to get herself under control and smiled once again. "Anyway, just wanted to say hello."

           "Thank you, Lana." I said, trying to smile through the newest assault of tears. God, how could anything be so painful? Lana took a step closer to me, and before I knew it, I was enveloped in a strong hug. I hugged her back, then she pulled back from me, not even looking at me again. She made her way through the cemetery, her black pant suit the only thing visible on her after awhile, until she was gone. I turned back to Beth’s stone, taking a step closer.

           "Emily? Emily, wake up,"

           I opened my eyes to see Candice standing over me. "What?" I muttered.

           "Come on. The study group?" she said, patting her backpack that hung from her arm.

           "What about it?" I asked groggily, turning to my other side, giving her a nice view of my back.

           "Remember? We’re all getting together for the lit class final?"

           "Not goin’." I muttered, then closed my eyes. I had no desire whatsoever to get out of bed, let alone go to some stupid study group. I slept through Saturday, not giving a shit about finals. Let whatever would happen, happen. I didn’t need it. I felt such a heavy weight on me since the party at Richard’s. Nothing mattered. Why the hell should I care if Beth didn’t give a shit? I was tired of caring. I didn’t want to care anymore. Why did she have to come back into my life? I was doing just fine! I squeezed my eyes shut as I felt liquid warmth seep out, wetting my pillow, then darkness as sleep once again claimed me.

           The darkness dissipated as I heard pounding. Pounding that wouldn’t stop. God, what now? Couldn’t they just let me sleep through a goddamn Saturday?

           "What!" I bellowed, my head ringing with the yell.

           "Em?" came the muffled reply. I quirked open an eye. What the hell?

           "Go away!"

           "Let me in!" the doorknob rattled, and I just got more irritated.

           "Go the fuck away, whoever you are!" I yelled again, throwing one of my pillows to emphasize my point. Then I jumped as the person kicked the door. My god. With a growl I jumped from the bed, hurried over to the door, unlocked it, walking back to my bed. The door opened, and I plopped down on the mattress, grabbing my trusty teddy, Ruffles as I sat, holding him close to my chest. Beth barged in, storming to the middle of the room. She looked worried, angry, and all sorts of other things, none of them happy, as she stared down at me, her hands on her hips. "Go away, Beth." I said into the fur on top of Ruffles head.

           "What the hell are you doing, Em?" she asked, her voice hard, angry.

           "What do you mean? What am I doing. I’m attempting to sleep, that’s what I’m doing. My god, you’d think the world had never heard of sleeping in, for Christ’s sake."

           "Sleeping in?" she repeated, nearly spitting the words out at me.

           "Yeah. I know you sure as hell know all about that."

           "You’ve been sleeping in, alright. Do you have any clue what day it is?" she took a step forward. I glared back up at her.

           "Saturday? At," I glanced over at the clock, "one-thirty in the afternoon."

           "Try Monday at one-thirty in the afternoon, Em." She barked out. I looked at her, incredulous. No. Couldn’t be. "Your roommate was worried about you. She hunted me down after class today. Said you didn’t do any studying this weekend. Didn’t get out of bed this weekend. Em!" she took yet another step closer. "What the hell are you doing?"

           "What do you care, Beth? You get pissed that I study so much as it is." I said, picking at Ruffles fur on his arm. She stared at me, stung. It felt good. It felt good to hurt her. My heart still hurt from Richard’s party. She was quiet for a moment, her hands running through her hair, studying the floor.

           "What is this about, Em?" she finally said, her voice low, quiet. Unsure.

           "Nothing, Beth. It’s about nothing." I tossed Ruffles aside. "Why are you here?" her head jerked up, her eyes narrowed. "Why don’t you just go find one of your flavor of the week girlfriends, and leave me the hell alone, okay?" her entire face fell, as did her shoulders, only to regain composure. She took in a deep breath, and stared at me, fire entering her eyes.

           "Is this about that stupid game?" she nearly growled. I stared up at her, frightened for just a moment. "Is that it, Em?"

           "You took your shot, Beth. That was your prerogative." I said, my voice hard. She smiled, though no humor lined those lips, and nodded to herself.

           "That’s it. Because I wouldn’t fucking admit to,-" she cut herself off.

           "What?" I challenged. "Admit to what, Beth?" I unfolded myself on my bed, and stood. "Admit to what, Beth?"

           "Stop it. This is ridiculous."

           "Is it?" she glared at me.

           "Stop it, Em. I’m warning you."

           I took a step closer. I could feel the heat falling from her in waves. She was nearly vibrating with it, though what exactly what "it" was, I didn’t know.

           "Or what? Huh?" I reached her, staring up into her face. Her fists were clenched at her sides.

           "You want to hear it? Hmm? You want me to answer your fucking question? Is that it?" she said through clenched teeth.

           "Would be nice."

           "Don’t do this, Em." To my surprise I saw fear flash through those eyes. Just as quickly it was gone. "Fine. I’ll answer your fucking question." she growled. I sucked in my breath as she lunged, grabbing two handfuls of my shirt, whipping me around until my back was slammed against the wall. A picture crashed to the floor next to me. I wrapped my fingers around her hands that still held my shirt, Beth’s body pressed against mine, her jean-clad leg held against me, my boxers digging in. "You want to hear who I’d kiss?" Beth rumbled, her face mere inches from mine. She had me pinned to the wall, but I don’t know that I would have moved had I been able to. I just stared into her eyes, twin pools of icy fire. "You, Em. I would have kissed you " her eyes traveled my face, taking in my wide eyes, then down my nose, to my lips where they stayed. "I’ve always wanted to kiss you, Em. Still do." the last whispered.

           "Then do it." I whispered back. Her eyes left my lips, and met my own. So many things passed through them; uncertainty, fear, hope, and mostly, desire. The room was filled with the sound of our heavy breaths as we stared at each other. My fingers tightened on her hands, begging her. She clutched my shirt tighter, and roughly pulled me to her, crushing her lips against mine, pinning me further to the wall, her leg sliding between my own. Her tongue pushed through my closed lips, forcing me to let her in, a whimper escaping her throat. She pushed further into my body, her hands loosening their hold on the material, and grasping my shoulders. My hands released her hands, and slid up her forearms until they snaked up around her neck, bringing her in closer. Her mouth began to slow, and soften against my own, her rough taking turning to the soft bestowing of gifts of her tongue, lips, teeth.

           "Beth," I breathed into her mouth, still amazed that she was here, that she was kissing me, that it was her arms and body around me.

           "I’m here." she whispered, her hands sliding down my shoulders, her fingers sneaking up the short sleeves of the tee, rubbing the bare skin of my upper arms and shoulders. My own hands began to stroke her neck, bury themselves into her thick hair, and eventually find themselves at the collar of her jacket, tugging at it, pulling the leather off of her, down her shoulders, and finally down her arms. Beth tossed the coat to the floor, and came back to me, pressing herself against me again. I could feel her breasts through the thin material of her shirt, pressed against mine. I moaned, feeling as if I had never been touched before. As if Beth’s kiss and touch was water to a drowning woman. The last life-line.

           I felt Beth’s hands begin to roam down my shirt, stroking my sides on their way down, finally finding the hem of my shirt, and slipping under, tugging my shirt over my head. I lifted my arms, as she took it completely off, throwing it behind her to the floor. Beth returned to my mouth, but her hands cupped my breasts, the nipples already hard against her palms. I needed to feel her against me, skin on skin. I tugged at her shirt, freeing it from the waistband of her jeans, and tugging it over her head. Beth had never been one for bras, so I looked down at her. She was magnificent. She shook her hair free, and pressed against me, both of us moaning at the touch. Fire was sweeping through me at rampant speed.

           I gasped as she pushed her thigh further into me, pressing against me as her mouth devoured my own. My fingers dug into her shoulders as her lips left mine, beginning to kiss and lick down my jaw, my head lifting to give her as much access as she wanted; needing to feel her, my skin on fire. She sucked on my neck, biting as her hands slid down my back, fingers dipping into the waistband of my boxers, caressing the smooth skin of my rear end. I brought my hands down to the front of Beth’s jeans, and fiddled with the fly, trying to get them unbuttoned, then unzipped, pushing them down her legs. Beth got the hint, and stepped out of them, kicking them behind her. Now we stood, me against the wall, Beth against me, both in just our underwear.

           It struck me in that moment as Beth returned to my mouth, kissing me long and deep, just exactly what the term making love meant. Before that moment, I had never had any clue to the real meaning.

           I pushed away from the wall, pushing against Beth, toward my bed. She backed up, our lips never missing a beat. The back of Beth’s legs hit the mattress, and she let herself fall back, taking me with her, her arms wrapped around my waist, pulling into her. It felt unbelievable to be completely pressed against Beth. It all seemed like a dream that I prayed I would not wake from any time soon.

           Beth rolled us over, scooting me up so I laid back against the pillows. She held herself up on her arms, stared down at me. I ran my fingers up and down her back, looking into those eyes that at times haunted me.

           "I’ve waited so long." she whispered.

           "Me, too."

           "I love you, Em." she leaned her head down, giving me the softest kiss.

           "I love you, too, Beth." she stared at me for a moment longer, then kissed me for all she was worth, pouring everything she felt into the kiss, leaving me breathless. She pulled away from me, kneeling as she removed her underwear, flinging them off the side of the bed, then reaching for my boxers, staring me in the eye as she slid them down my legs, and over the side they went. She stared at my body as I laid back, feasting on me, running her hand up my leg, fingertips teasing the wiry hair between my legs before they continued to trial up over my stomach, then both hands found my breasts, causing me to suck in a breath. I arched into her touch, craving it.

           She pulled me up, pulling me onto her lap so I was straddling her, my arms around her neck, fingers in her hair as once again she found my mouth, her hands on my breasts, thumbs playing with my nipples, causing shooting waves to flow through my body. She wrapped her arms under mine, her hands cupping my shoulders as she pushed me back some, her mouth seeking my breasts still tingled from her fingers. I closed my eyes, mouth opening in a silent moan as Beth’s lips wrapped around my right nipple, and began to suckle me, her tongue swiping across it, sending fresh jolts of desire through me, landing squarely south.

           To my surprise, I felt a hand leave my shoulder, and begin to trail back down, disappearing between our bodies, and my legs. I leaned up a bit on my knees as Beth’s fingers pushed through into the immense slickness that greeted her. She moaned as she slid those fingers through the wetness, caressing me, stroking me, until finally she entered me. I breathed into the side of her neck as I was filled, her fingers sliding out only to slide right back in. I began to move my body against her, with her until I was gasping as I rode her hand, my hips pumping as fast as her hand. I closed my eyes, no longer able to keep them open as all I could do was feel. The sensations were mind blowing.

           With her free hand, Beth pushed my head back to hers, her mouth finding mine, our breathing mingling, her swallowing my moans and cries as I felt myself teetering on the edge. Then she pushed me over as she reached up with her thumb, pressing down on my clit, rubbing it. Light filled me, and I exploded. Beth continued to pump, her thumb stroking until my body stilled, jerking slightly with a small aftershock. She pushed me back, and laid on top of me, her body between my legs. We kissed, long and hard, my heart still pounding out of control in my chest, my breathing just beginning to get back to normal, only to increase once again as I thought of all the things I wanted to do to Beth.

           I had to have my mouth on her, so I flipped her over, me straddling her hips. We were breast to breast. I stared down at her, and I could see the hunger in her eyes, shining, sending bolts of lightning through my body with just one glance. I kissed her, softly, gently, waiting for her to open her lips, invite me in. Didn’t take long. The kiss remained soft, exploring, until with a sigh, Beth wrapped her arms around me, running her hands down my back until she cupped my rear, pulling me further into her. The kiss began to heat up, setting both on fire again. It became desperate, fighting for space in my mouth, then in hers, animalistic, her hips grinding against me, searching for some sort of relief. I broke from the kiss, and began to kiss down Beth’s body, sucking on her nipples, caressing her breasts with hands, fingers, and mouth., Beth moaning my name, and slightly pushing down on my shoulders, needing my mouth on her. I continued down, able to smell and feel her heat as I got closer, my body snaking down between her legs. When finally I reached her, I spread her legs a bit wider with my hands on the insides of her thighs, and I looked up at her, meeting her gaze.

           "Please," she husked, and I smiled, gladly obliging. I lowered my mouth between Beth’s legs, and took in her smell before snaking my tongue out, swiping it up her length, gathering her wetness on my tongue, spreading it, smiling in satisfaction at her shiver. As I lowered my head again, I felt Beth’s hands in my hair, guiding me, fingers stroking my scalp. I had never wanted to please a woman as badly as I did that day. Beth meant so much to me, and I wanted her to know it. I brought her to the point where her hips were bucking wildly, her hands pressing my face into her, needing that release that at that moment, only I could give, which I did, with pleasure.

           I kissed the insides of her thighs, and worked my way up as Beth tried to get her breathing under control, until I lay on top of her again, and kissed her gently. She wrapped her arms around me, holding me close, whispering soft words into my mouth. As we kissed, we began to move together, neither sated, as Beth’s hips began a slow grind, our tongues mimicking the action. I pushed myself up onto my elbows, my fingers digging into the pillow on either side of Beth’s head as our kiss deepened, our hips quickening their pace from slow and leisurely to fast and hard. Beth began to pant into my mouth, her hands squeezing, and pulling me further into her, deepening the contact until both our bodies began to tremble, our skin slick from sweat and juices. I broke the kiss, burying my face against Beth’s neck, biting the skin as I came, thrusting hard against her, my cries muffled.

           "My god," Beth whispered, holding me close, her face buried in my hair.

           "My god." I repeated.

           I opened my eyes to see that it had gotten dark outside. A smile played across my face as I soaked in the heat that ran along the back of my body, the arms that held me fast, and the warm breath against the back of my neck. With a contented sigh, I closed my eyes.

           With a small moan, I turned over onto my back, the smile firmly in place before I even opened my eyes. I knew it was morning, and reached my arms up over my head to stretch, feeling almost like a cat. Then realization dawned on me, and I opened my eyes, looking to my right. Nothing. I sat up, looking around the room. No Beth. Candice’s bed was already made, her bag tossed onto it. I squinted as I looked over at the alarm clock, and saw it was nearly eight. I had a final at nine-thirty. I got up form the bed, pulling a tee over my head, and looked around. No note, nothing. I had a bad feeling in my stomach, and threw on the rest of my clothes, and headed out of the room, pulling a baseball cap over my uncombed hair, ran to the next building.

           I stood outside the door, impatiently waiting for my knock to be answered. I heard movement in the room. I looked up and down the hall where I stood, where Beth’s dorm was. Everything was quiet. Finally the door opened. I blinked in surprise when I saw Kelly, Beth’s roommate.

           "Hey, Emily." she said, her voice groggy. She rubbed her eyes.

           "Sorry to wake you, Kelly. Where’s Beth? Did she already go to her class?" I didn’t think she had a final that morning, but I could only hope. Kelly looked at me, her brows drawn.

           "Emily, you mean you don’t know? I mean, I figured of anyone, you would have known."

           "Known what?" I tried to keep the irritation as well as worry from my voice. Don’t think I succeeded.

           "Beth left."

           "What?" Kelly nodded her dark head.

           "Yeah. She left early this morning. Got all her stuff, shoved it into her bags, and off she went. Didn’t even wake me up. Heard her as she was leaving. I asked her what was up, and all she said was good-bye."

           I stared at Beth’s roommate, her dark eyes looking sad.

           "She just went home for the holidays, right?" I said, my voice weak, already knowing the answer. Kelly shook her head.

           "I don’t think so, Emily. I think she’s just gone." I swallowed, and took a deep breath. Trying to put on a smile,

           "Thanks, Kelly."

           I turned away, hearing the soft click as the door was closed behind me. I bit my bottom lip, and walked toward the door to the stairs.

  PART 10

           I LOOKED TO BETH’S stone, and was surprised to see that the guys had already finished burying it. I looked around, trying to shake memory from my mind, and saw them driving the back ho back toward the utility house further into the cemetery. It truly was just me and Beth. I took a step forward, standing just at the edge of the new dirt. I wiped a wet snowflake out of my eye. Or was that a tear? I wasn’t sure anymore. I gazed around and saw the green tarp covering, the words Pioneer Cemetery printed in white lettering. I smiled slightly.

           "Well, Beth. Looks like we finally made it to Pioneer, huh?" I looked back to her stone, the wind my only answer. "You’re right. It is beautiful."

           My thoughts returned to that Christmas in college. That time during finals week when Beth and I had been together, and I relived the pain of waking up to find out that Beth had not only left my bed, but the school, and my life. For ten years.

           "Why did you go, Beth?" I asked the gray winter sky. "Why? Was it a way of running again? You know, after that I didn’t date for a very long time." I smiled ruefully. "I thought it was bad luck. I decided to just study, worry about classes, and being the best. I was the best." I buried my gloved hands into the pocket of my overcoat. "Until I met Rebecca, seven years ago, I really thought that was it for me. I really thought you had ruined it for me, Beth."

           The snow was beginning to come down in earnest now, though it was not too cold. I lifted my head, closed my eyes, and stuck my tongue out, catching half a dozen flakes into my mouth. I grinned and looked back to Beth’s stone.

           "Remember our snow days? God, we had fun, didn’t we?" I looked down to the winter-dead grass at my feet, the brittle blades crunching under my feet. "You know, for ten years I tried to get you out of my mind. Yet, I couldn’t stay away from your plays. Go figure." I chuckled quietly. "I took Rebecca to see your play on our first date. You were playing Pippa in that strange production of ‘Storage’. Very strange play, might I add. But you were great. As always." I kicked at a small ball of snow that had begun to form. "Ten years, Beth. Ten years too long."

           I walked in the door from a late day at the office, and Rebecca had been out with a friend. I dropped my briefcase and jacket onto the couch, and glanced over at the answering machine. The light was beeping. I pressed play, and began to sort through the mail.

           "Bill, bill, junk, bill, junk, hmm. Coupons. Bill,-"

           "Hi, Em. This is Beth."

           I stopped the stack of mail in my hand, and looked down at the machine. Beth’s voice sounded far away and metallic over the speaker. I was stunned.

           "I’m in town this week, and would really like to see you. You know, kind of touch base with my old roots. So, if you’d like to get together, um, give me a call in my hotel room." I listened dumbly as she recited her number, my heart beating quickly in my chest. I pushed play again.

           God, had it only been last year that that had happened? I stared off at the rows of stones that led up the hill, most at least a hundred years old. All its rich history had been one reason why Beth had loved Pioneer so much. Just a year ago.

           I could hear my blood pounding in my ears as I listened to the rings on the phone, part of me so tempted to just slam the phone down, and not deal with it. I had cleared my head and heart of Beth Sayers long ago. I did not need a reminder. I-

           "Hello?" came the low, husky voice I remembered too well. I was struck speechless for a moment. "Hello?"

           "Uh, hi." I closed my eyes, feeling really stupid.

           "Hi. Em?" came the quiet question, the hope unmistakable.

           "Hello, Beth. How are you?" I opened my eyes, and plopped down on the couch, my fingers playing with the phone cord nervously.

           "I’m fine. You?"

           "Fine."

           "Well. It’s been awhile." I could hear the faintest bit of a smile in Beth’s voice. She also sounded very tired. I glanced at my watch; only seven-fifteen.

           "Did I wake you?" I asked.

           "No. No, just taking a nap. So tired these days. I swear, I’m getting old." I smiled, but said nothing. "Listen, I really would like to see you, Em. Is that possible?" I remained silent for a moment, trying to make an impromptu decision. My brain refused to work.

           "Okay." I said, not able to come up with anything more intelligent than that.

           "Great." I heard the sigh of relief, and was surprised. "When? I leave Thursday."

           "Well, how about lunch? Tomorrow? There’s a park outside my building. Say around twelve-thirty?"

           "Yes. Absolutely. I’ll be there. But, you must let me bring lunch. I know of this great little deli around the cornier-"

           "Lonny’s? Yes, I know it. I go there a lot. Perhaps a bit too often." I heard the low chuckle on the other side of the line. I had missed that, then was angry at myself for thinking that. I wanted to drop that part of my life. It was over with. Beth and I were over with.

           "Okay, well. I’ll see you at twelve-thirty, then."

           "You should have seen how jumpy I was the next day, Beth. I felt like a child." I chuckled, realizing how stupid it had been. How childish. "I think Rebecca thought I was on drugs, or something." I smiled again, thinking about how I had glanced up at the clock, seeing that it was twenty after noon, and had tried to gather myself to go meet my best friend.

           "Here you go. I hope you still like turkey?" Beth asked, handing me a six inch sub and a Styrofoam cup filled with Dr. Pepper. I nodded.

           "Yup." She smiled. I studied her. She was so thin. I hardly recognized her at first when I’d seen her standing in the lobby of our office building. Her hair was cut short again, but looked good on her. Her blue eyes were not as bright, but still full of life. I noticed how her clothes hung from her tall frame. I wondered but did not ask.

           We made our way out of the building and to the park, finding an empty park bench, and sat and began to eat. Neither of us said much. I had many questions for her, but had packed those away many years before, and did not want to dig them out again. So I didn’t.

           "How have you been, Em?" she asked, licking a bit of Mayo off her lip.

           "Good. I’ve been doing real good. The firm is wonderful, and I’ve done well here. I’m due in court tomorrow, actually." Beth nodded, eyes wide with surprise and pride.

           "I always knew you’d do just fine." she smiled, sipping from her Coke.

           "And you?" I asked, taking a bite from the turkey/Swiss sub.

           "Can’t complain. I live in Oregon now. Who would have guessed, huh? I did, however go home a few months back. You know, just touch roots." I smiled politely. Part of me wanted to run, get away from my past. I did not need that. I had a new life, a good life with Rebecca, and my career was booming. All this making up for lost time, and catching up was for other people. Not for me. Who needed it?

           I rewrapped my sandwich, and put it into its plastic bag, standing from the bench, smoothing my skirt as I did. I tossed the sandwich into the trash can next to the bench, and turned back to Beth.

           "Listen, it was nice to see you, Beth. But, I have to get going." She looked up at me, looking like I’d just hit her with a baseball bat. She quickly composed herself, and stood also.

           "Well, I’m glad you were able to get away for a few minutes, anyway." she also tossed her lunch. We stood there for a few minutes, neither sure what to do. I didn’t know why I just didn’t say later, and walk back to work. "Take care, Em." she said finally with a smile. I smiled back.

           "You, too. Goodbye." I turned to start back, when she called out to me. I stopped, but did not turn around.

           "Em? Don’t I even rate a hug?" I heard her say, pain behind those words. Slowly I turned around, looked at her. She stood next to the bench, her hands in her pockets, and stared at me, her eyes filled with pain, hope, and what looked to be regret. I took a few steps back toward her until we were little more than a yard apart.

           "You want a hug?" I asked, my voice low and even. She nodded.

           "Very much so."

           "After all this time. After all that happened. You want a hug?" again she nodded.

           "Yes. Especially after all this time. And especially after all that happened."

           "I don’t think so." I began to turn to head back when she caught my arm, gently turning me back to face her. I looked up at her, the strangest lump in my throat. Then I fell into her, wrapping my arms around her waist, and burying my face into her neck. I felt her arms around my shoulders, one hand at the back of my head, her head against mine. For just a moment I felt so at peace. So at home. Like I had come home. The missing piece had been found. My Beth was here. My rock. I could feel her heart beating, I swear I could, as I’m sure she could feel mine. Something, I realized, was very different in that hug. It seemed to desperate, so final. I could not understand it, nor did I want to. The need to run began to fill my body, and I wanted to escape, escape the warmth before it beckoned me again. I could not afford to embrace it again.

           I pulled away, and without another look back, I turned and hurried back toward my office. My safety. My life.

           I wiped one last errant tear away as I took in a deep breath, and let it out slowly.

           "I have to go now, Beth." I whispered. "I love you. My best friend. Always." I kissed two of my fingers, and placed them on Beth’s name on her stone, and turned away.

           As I headed up the hill toward the road, I was surprised to see the rental car parked there, and Rebecca leaning against the side. Her hands were stuffed into the pockets of her wool overcoat. I walked up to her, and without a word, leaned into her, wrapping my arms around her neck. I felt her arms slowly, almost hesitantly, wind their way around my waist.

           "I’m sorry." I breathed into her neck, then began to cry.

  EPILOGUE

           I LISTENED TO THE sound of the shower as I sat in our bed, my reading glasses on as I looked over the file so I would be prepared for work in two days. Satisfied that I knew it well enough, I put it aside, and reached up to remove my glasses when I glanced over at the night table, and saw the white envelope. I had not read it yet. Breathing deeply, I grabbed it, fingering the smoothness, tracing the bold words on the front. Finally as I dug up my courage, and carefully ripped the envelope open.

           Em.

           How to start this. Should it be something so dramatic as, if you are reading this letter, then I am surely dead!? No? I agree. I played too many roles in my life. Now isn’t the time.

           I know you have a lot of questions. Probably about as many as I do. But, see the thing is, long ago I came to the realization that chances were good I would never get the answers to those, so I stopped searching. But, I never stopped believing. And I never stopped loving. You, Em. I never stopped loving you.

           So many years ago when we were in our prime, in college, and you and I made love. I can’t even begin to explain to you what that was like for me. Well, I probably don’t have to, now do I? I think you know. You felt it, too. I’m sorry things happened the way they did, Em. I was a coward. I had made a promise to myself that nothing would ever happen between you and me again. When I started at CU, I had every intention of keeping that decision. But there you were, big as day. The apple for my temptation. I fought it, Em. Really I did. Finally I couldn’t anymore. I wanted you so bad, and I wanted to be able to show you. So I did. We did. But then my heart couldn’t take it.

           Early that morning I had awoke, and had watched you. Watched you sleep for hours. Trying to decide what to do. I decided to do what I always do: leave. Flee. Run. I ran from you, Em. Now as I look back at it, I have to wonder; was it the wrong thing to do? Or should it have happened no other way? I don’t have the answer for that, though I wish I did.

           During my days trying to get into the real world, the world of acting and living, and I had to struggle doing meaningless jobs waiting tables, or whatever, I would think of you. Seeing you before my mind’s eye, imagining you, got me through it, Em. When I wanted to take the serving tray at the restaurant I was waitressing at, and bang the customer over the head with it out of frustration, I would think of you. Wonder what you were doing. Wonder if you could ever forgive me, for I was having a hell of a time forgiving myself.

           If I had to describe what you are to me, other than my best friend, then I’d have to say my first. My first best friend. My first kiss. My first crush. My first experience with sex. My first love. You were so many firsts for me, Em. Even now. My first thoughts were of you when my doctor told me I would be gone in six months. Ha! Showed him. I hit six months last week. All joking aside, I know it’s coming. And I’m ready. I’ve had a full life, experienced many things. You were a part of many of those things, Em. You are a part of me. Always have been, always will be. I love you, Emily.

           Be well,

           Beth

           I laid the letter down, staring across the room with unseeing eyes. Slowly I removed my glasses, setting them aside on the table. Deep inside I felt Beth. I felt her meaning, and I understood. This letter was not a goodbye. It was a beginning. The beginning of peace. Understanding. Love. A slow smile spread across my face.

           "What are you smiling about?" I glanced toward Rebecca’s voice, seeing her standing in the bathroom doorway. She was standing in her towel, her red hair slicked back from her shower, and she held something in her hands. I smiled up at her and shook my head.

           "Nothing."

           "Well," she said, seeming to understand that the smile upon my face was the key to a secret that was not for sharing.

           She looked me in the eye, making sure she had my full attention. She raised the white stick for me to see. "It’s blue." she said, her voice soft. I blinked, not sure I had heard her right. As those two precious words sunk in, I began to find that peace. I understood it now. Rebecca walked over to the bed, and fell into my awaiting arms. As I held her, I realized something. Life was full of experiences. Some good. Some bad. But none were to ever be forgotten. Beth was an experience from the past to get me to my future. She was one of the building blocks that helped me to be who I was today. For that, I would always be grateful.

           THE END

           To you, the reader: I thank you for sticking it out with me. This was a very difficult story to write, and your support and encouragement through it was beyond appreciated. Thank you, and I hope you enjoyed it.