Before You

Two women, both in their early thirties, one suffering from chronic fatigue syndrome in Sydney, Australia, and the other a supermodel with an international address, meet at a party in hot, summery Paris, and fall madly in love, even though they are worlds apart. But even true romance is not exempt from potential tragedy.

CHAPTER 1

THE BEGUILED

ONE

The odds of Yvonne and myself ever making it together were astronomical. Even after we had been together for six months, I still thought we were just having an affair and that Yvonne would say, Okay, we've had a lot of fun, but it's time to call it a day. Not that Yvonne would have used those words. Being French, Italian and Romany, she would have used her own strange words to end our relationship.

How could a famous French model and a poor, everyday person like myself possibly make it together. Yvonne was stunning. Drop-dead gorgeous. Not that I knew who she was when I first met her. My first impression was, really, nothing special, just another beautiful model. My first night in Paris and I ended up in an incredibly hot, very crowded and outrageously noisy party. I remember looking around the room and thinking I was at a party for tall, gorgeous women and I should leave. Jane, my friend and cohort, said she had some friends she wanted to see. “We’ll only stay a short while. Just pop in and check it out.”

I certainly didn’t want to spend my first night in Paris at a party where I knew only one person. I wanted to walk the streets, smell the air, see the sights that beckoned to me, even though it was the middle of a stifling hot summer, the total opposite of my winter-filled Sydney. Arriving from Australia via London had left me dead and we had slept the day away. Seven days in Paris and I had already slept through one of them.

Jane had phoned me ten days ago, or was it twelve? In her usual straight-to-the-point, fast-talking voice, Jane fired the question down the phone, “Do you want to go to Paris?”

“Of course, and Vienna as well,” I said jokingly.

“I’m serious! I have two tickets to Paris. We leave in ten days, spend seven days there and come home. It’ll cost you two hundred and twenty dollars return. You haven’t got anything else to do. Your parents won’t mind having the house to themselves for a while, I’m sure. Will you come?”

Deadpan. “Jane, I haven’t got a passport.”

“Well, get one. Lyn, this is Paris. Seven days and nights for two hundred and twenty dollars, plus hotel, expenses and food. But we can live cheaply. Come on, say yes,” she urged.

“Of course. Yes. How did you get the tickets? Paris, for Christ’s sake. Jane, if you’re… ”

“I’m not. This is for real. Get your passport. Come over now and write me a cheque, or cash would be better. Lyn, we’re going to Paris!” she screamed, like an excited child who’s never flown before.

“I can’t believe it.” It was then that I realized Jane was deadly serious. “How did you manage it?”

“Don’t ask. It’s slightly illegal. Not police illegal, but don’t ask. I’m at home. Can you get over here now?”

“Sure. I’ll go by the bank and then I have to go to the post office. Can I get a passport in ten days and do I need a visa?”

“Yes to the passport and yes to the visa. Hurry. Stop asking questions, I need the money now,” she said.

“Be there in twenty minutes.”

TWO

Jane and I talked to a few of her friends. Being a flight attendant who had travelled, Jane had friends all over the world. I think that’s how we got the tickets. She explained it to me, but I still can’t work out how we got such cheap seats. Jane flew as a passenger and loved it, being waited on by her friends. I’d told her I didn’t have any party clothes, only the basics, so I felt incredibly out of place amongst these beautiful people.

“Jane,” I said, running my fingers through my sweaty, falling-in-my-face hair, again. She didn’t hear me, just kept on talking and laughing. I nudged her gently in the ribs with my elbow.

She swung around, her short mop of red hair bouncing. “What?”

“Why are we here?” I had to practically yell to make myself heard. Jane gave me her puppy-dog look. I gave her my stern, don’t-look-at-me-like-that look. I wanted out of this party. I leaned closer to Jane’s ear. “Our first night in Paris… why are we here?”

“We’ll only be here an hour, at the most,” Jane said. “One hour! Be patient.”

I glared harder, but she just shrugged and returned to her friends. Her friends! I had never met them before tonight. I surveyed the room and saw the same thing as before, a room full of tall, noisy, beautiful men and women, all laughing and talking in an array of languages, accents and body languages. I remember seeing Yvonne, but she was just a blur in this sea of glamorous, out-of-my-league women; lots of make-up, perfect hair, great figures and sensational clothes. Definitely look, don’t touch material.

My attention was focused on a bowl of chips that looked suspect. I was deciding whether to eat them or not. Jane and I had had dinner in a crowded, supposedly cheap restaurant, which turned out to be wildly expensive. Our hotel room was expensive enough and we could hardly move in it. I hadn’t even bothered to unpack, had just crawled into bed and slept.

I decided not to eat the chips. “Jane!” I yelled.

“What?” she snapped.

“What’s the party for?” I squared my hands firmly on her shoulders and physically turned Jane around. “Is this a party for a fashion show?”

Jane finished her drink. “They are pretty swish,” she was obliged to admit.

Major, major understatement. We both laughed. Best friends, we always managed to make each other laugh. “Swish!” I yelled. “They’re gorgeous!”

“This is Paris,” Jane yelled back. “Home of fashion.”

Fashion was right, I thought. And style. And elegance. This definitely was not where I wanted to be. I was hot and wanted to go outside. I wore my best jeans, a dark-blue top with white dots, and a pair of sandals. My jeans were at least twelve years old, comfortable and broken in, and my top revealed a strip of stomach or back, depending on how I stood. I tried to stand up straight and not show too much of either.

Jane had gone back to her friends. There was little point in asking her who they were. They came and went so quickly. She loved to tell me in great detail about the latest people in her life, the latest love of her life or the latest female buddies. Before I could remember more than one or two, she would confuse the hell out of me by moving on to the next lot.

THREE

I needed a drink, badly. I was dying of thirst in this heat. On our arrival, Jane had introduced me to her friends, but their names were already lost. I walked over to a long table on the far side of the room. It was laden with glasses of all shapes and sizes, bottles of red and white wine and spirits, and buckets of ice. But I couldn’t translate the labels to find something non-alcoholic without any garbage.

I had my hand twisted up the back of my top, holding it away from my sweaty skin and wishing I could do the same with my jeans when, out of the blue, in perfect English, I heard, “Need some help?” The voice was warm, alluring, mellow and slightly husky. I turned around, letting go of my top, which instantly sealed itself onto my back again. It was Yvonne.

Intuitively, I knew that I was on the receiving end of this voice because, with the voice came this wondrous electrifying presence, a shimmering energy field that surrounded me. That’s why I’d had enough gall to immediately turn around. I knew the voice belonged to the wondrous creature beside me because she stared right at me.

“Are you talking to me?” I asked. She wore a short black dress with red swirls and was so tall I only came up to her neck.

“What are we doing?” she said. “A Robert de Niro?”

“I suppose so,” I laughed. I understood exactly what she meant. I had inadvertently quoted a line from the movie Taxi Driver. I realized I was talking to a very beautiful woman. Girl? Lady? My age, maybe, I thought, early thirties. Amazing eyes, turquoise speckled with yellow; oceans of blues and greens awash with bright-yellow dots. I’d never seen eyes like this before; they were surrounded by the blackest, thickest, longest lashes I’d ever seen. I had to look down, my neck had a crick in it.

“What are you looking for?” she asked. Her accent was definitely French, but there were traces of others I couldn’t identify. It wasn’t too strong and it was extremely sexy.

I felt even hotter. This gorgeous woman stood right next to me, looking down at me, waiting for me to answer. “Um… something cold, non-alcoholic… no garbage,” I said, and felt quite pleased with myself at how calmly I’d said it. I was getting turned on by her, sexually turned on. I was hot, my jeans were hot, especially my crotch. I felt peculiar in my stomach, my legs shook and my breathing grew heavier. How can I be feeling these things so quickly? When I scanned the room, I had sort of noticed her, but she’d seemed like all the rest of the beautiful people. Now, up close, she was much, much more. As she searched the table for my drink, I admired her unashamedly. I was confused by how fast all this was happening, yes, but I was not confused by my feelings for this woman.

“How’s this? No garbage,” she said, passing me a small, cold bottle of orange juice.

“Great, thanks,” I said. We had to move away from the table; other people were keen to get drinks. “Not very polite,” I said.

“They’re thirsty. It’s hot,” she apologized for their rudeness.

She leant against a wall and slouched down; she had noticed the bad effect her height was having on my neck. I gulped the orange juice and massaged the back of my neck with my free hand. She bent down and took off her shoes, which lessened her height considerably. Now we were nearly at eye level.

We talked. I remember laughing, but I have no idea what she said. My neck was still sore from that long look up. While we talked, I dissected her eyes with mine. Maybe she did the same because her eyes never left mine, until, parched from the heat and our talking, we needed to return to the long table for fresh drinks.

“What do you want?”

“Just orange juice, thanks,” I said.

Now we had a waiter in black pants, black vest and a white shirt serving drinks at the table. She spoke to him and he produced two glasses filled with ice, one orange juice and one a dark-amber liquid. She nodded towards me and said something in French and he handed me the orange juice while she took possession of the dark-amber liquid.

The party was mind-blowingly noisy. We moved way down the far end of the room, away from the main gang. She carried her shoes in one hand and sipped her drink from the other. Once again, she leaned back against the wall and slouched down, legs bent and slightly apart, so we were the same eye level again. I stood directly opposite her, but someone shoved me in the back and I ended up much closer.

I was pleased to have someone to talk to, but I felt so strange with her. My hand shook as I tried to drink my orange juice. Luckily, I kept on talking. Somehow words poured out of me and she seemed to understand what I was saying and also find it interesting.

I placed my left hand on the wall beside her as people constantly walked behind me, around us, shoving me even closer. She dropped her shoes and reached out to touch my hair, smoothing it back from my face behind my ear.

I finished my drink in one large swallow. “Why do you wear heels?” I asked. “You must be tall enough without them.”

We had to stand close, just to be heard, and so that I could avoid the people shoving past. I practically stood between her legs.

“Makes me feel good,” she said. “Looking down on everyone. I can see who’s here.”

“What is this party for?” I asked with an empty glass in my hand. I couldn’t work out what she was drinking.

“There was… are you really interested?”

I shook my head. “Not really.” People continued to shove past me and I still found it difficult to hear properly. “It’s really hot.”

“Very,” she agreed. She smiled a beautiful smile, beautiful white teeth.

Another really hard shove in the back and I was in her arms. We both laughed. Then she kissed me. Later, she would insist that I kissed her. What a kiss! I knew she had lipstick and make-up on, but I didn’t taste them that night. Neither of us pulled away; it was inevitable we would kiss as far as I was concerned. My whole world suddenly centered on holding this beautiful woman to me.

I put my glass down, and hers, on the mantelpiece beside us, my hands now free to run up and down and around her body as we kissed. It seemed we would never stop. Her mouth tasted delicious and her body felt wonderful.

She wrapped her arms around me, hugging me to her, her mouth devouring mine. My hands touched her bare legs, running up into her dress. I squeezed my left hand between our bodies to feel her breast.

She began to kiss my face while her hand undid my jeans, my hand on her breast now free to feel and squeeze all it wanted. I was enthralled, my heart racing. I wanted her to touch me everywhere.

“We better get out of here,” I breathed heavily.

Instead, we kissed again, mouths open, tongues exploring. My hand loved the feel of the silky, round breast it had found. My body was positioned between her open legs, with loud moanings and groanings from both of us. She slouched further down the wall, reeling me in, her arms tightly around me. Inside my jeans her hand squeezed my backside. Her mouth explored my face again, kissing me non-stop. My right hand went up her leg, reaching for her underpants. I melted into her. But we had to leave.

I stepped back, momentarily breaking our spell, and looked for my bag. “Where’s your bag?” I asked, not really caring. I wished everyone else would leave, not us. I breathed rapidly and deeply. I had never been kissed like this before, had never felt so much for one person before touching and during touching.

“It’s over there,” she said, breathing hard herself, and nodding up the room.

“You get yours and I’ll get mine,” I said, and slid down her body to collect her shoes. Her hand slipped out of my jeans. I hooked my fingers into the toes of the shoes and stood up. Her arms were waiting for me, pulling me up to her.

We kissed again. She cradled the back of my head in the palm of her hand with her fingers spread through my hair. Her other hand slipped back into my unbuttoned jeans against my backside and she began to rub herself against me.

I pulled back and yanked her off the wall. “We have to go.”

We hugged and kissed on our way to find our bags and then we headed for the front door.

Outside, we leaned against a wall and kissed some more. Her hand shot up the back of my top, feeling my sweaty skin. I felt so hot, but I was in heaven. I wanted to peel my jeans off and devour this woman, kiss every square centimeter of her.

Suddenly, she dragged me down the steps. “Taxi!”

I saw a taxi in the street with its doors open and people piling out of it. As soon as it emptied, we climbed in. She managed to give an address to the driver, which I partly understood, before we were kissing again. My hands dived between her legs, pulling her underpants down with the left and feeling her up with the right. I pushed her dress up to get at her breasts while my fingers delved inside her wet vagina.

Yvonne practically had my jeans and underpants pulled right down to my knees as she felt me up.

What the driver saw, I didn’t want to think about. We acted like maniacs: kissing, feeling each other up, my hand roaming freely around her breasts, her hand feeling my breasts, in the back seat of a taxi, half-naked, nearly totally naked. I climaxed immediately her fingers began to feel their way around my clitoris. I gasped into her neck, shuddered and shook, then returned my mouth to hers for more kissing, until she broke away for a few gasps and shudders of her own.

Suddenly, the taxi screeched to a halt and we both flew into the back of the front seat. She bent down to pick up her bag and I sneaked a smacking kiss on her delicious backside before I pulled up her underpants as she sat forward and paid the driver. I started to dress myself, but she pushed me out, tugging on my jeans and underpants, trying to pull them all the way up.

One kick from her and the taxi door slammed shut. Her feet were bare and I was scared that she’d cut herself on something so I walked in front of her, wanting to blaze the trail. She guided me to a small blue gate. I opened it and we walked through; it received the same treatment as the taxi door. I heard it slam shut. We walked up a small path, past a small garden, to a large blue door. There was fumbling in her bag to find her keys, then laughter when she dropped them along with her bag. We both bent down to pick them up and kissed as we stood up.

I let up enough for her to slip the key in the lock and open the door. I hugged her from behind with my hands ready at the hem of her dress, to pull it up and off as soon as we were inside. The door opened and we flew in, then fell back, closing the door with the weight of our combined bodies. We acted like maniacs again, instantly: kissing, dropping shoes, bags and keys, my clothes removed by her, and her dress, unzipped, up and off in one movement by me. We were naked, making out against the door, but now she pulled away. She led me to a flight of stairs that took us up to her apartment.

We landed on top of the bed together and made incredible love with the hot, humid night around us. No blankets in our way, no blinding light, no words, just lots of animalistic, sexual groanings, moanings and kissing sounds. We went down on each other separately and together. She climaxed the first time I went down on her. I raised my head enough to look at this wonderful creature beneath me, who, amazingly, wanted me as much as I wanted her. She only lasted two seconds before smiling up at me, curving her hand under my hair at the back of my neck and bringing my mouth to hers, then rolling me onto my back. I heard myself groaning as her mouth devoured my breast and her hand between my legs felt me up again.

The place was illuminated by the reds, yellows and pinks of a Paris summer night sky streaming in through the uncurtained windows, and by a dimmed light above the bed.

We lay apart on the bed as it was so hot, only our hands touching. Five minutes later, she got up and went to the bathroom past the top of the stairs, and closed the door. I thought about how stupid I was. Who was she? We hadn’t practiced safe sex. She might do this sort of thing all the time. I felt torn; my body loved it, my mind said, Get out!

When she walked out of the bathroom, she found me lying shyly on my stomach. She sat on my backside and massaged my shoulders until I turned my head to her and we kissed and made love again.

My head was between her legs, my tongue and mouth eating her, licking her, tasting her, and she groaned, arching her body up. I had to go with her, watching her climax. Then I worked my way up her body, kissing her slowly, seeing her chest rise and fall yet again from another orgasm. I looked at her mouth, at her half-closed, satisfied eyes, her smile. I gently lowered my mouth to hers to let her taste herself on me. It was late and we were exhausted, hot and sweaty.

The bed was a mess. It had been neatly made, but now looked as if it had been stripped and sheets and pillows just thrown onto it. We lay back on the mostly bare mattress. It was far too hot to be doing this. We just touched at our hips, hands and legs, me on my stomach, Yvonne on her back. Her make-up was smudged and there were traces all over the sheets. She looked incredible. I fell asleep. I had not an ounce of energy left.

CHAPTER 2

TWO WEEKS IN ANOTHER TOWN

ONE

I woke to a completely different world. Bright sunlight poured in from a large bank of pale-green, louvred windows, which were closed to keep out the intense heat and noise from the street below. Despite this it was still incredibly hot, but very peaceful and quiet. And I was alone. There was no gorgeous body beside me.

I turned onto my back and sat up to scan the room, but couldn’t see a clock anywhere. My watch had stopped. During the festivities, Yvonne had thrown it into a crystal bowl, which also held her rings, earrings, an elegant watch and a five-strand pearl bracelet

I thought about her watch, but from what I could see through the distorted image of the bowl, mixed up with the other jewelry, it seemed to have stopped, as well.

The room was a combination bed/living/dining room. The room was the apartment. It had a double bed, a sofa, a round dropside table and two chairs, a TV and stereo, bookcases filled to capacity, and a very long wardrobe, which ran the length of an entire wall past the stairs to the right of the bathroom, which I needed badly. The bathroom was small and old-fashioned. It contained a shower, a bath, toilet and bidet, with a basin in the middle of a stack of cupboards. The ceiling was white and the floor tiled in a speckled grey. The walls were tiled in a combination of light- and dark-green swirls with a gold trim at the shower line. The rest of the walls were painted off-white.

I had plenty of time to examine the bathroom closely while I sat on the toilet. The bath caught my eye as it was quite unusual. Its hot and cold water outlets consisted of two large, dark-green fish heads sculpted from the same dark-green material as the walls and situated at the side of the bath rather than the end. Two people could lie back comfortably at opposite ends without getting faucet damage. As I washed my hands, I looked at myself in the mirror above the basin. My blue eyes definitely needed more sleep and my long blonde hair might have sounded good, but looked a total wreck. Since my hairbrush was probably still at the bottom of the stairs in my shoulder bag, I borrowed one of Yvonne’s and brushed and brushed until I looked reasonably presentable. Then I washed my face and borrowed the only available toothbrush along with the toothpaste I’d found in the cabinet behind the mirror. I felt quite odd being alone in the bathroom without her; we had been so close since we met. It was so quiet in the bathroom I could hardly hear a thing.

I went back out and there she was, the most beautiful woman I had ever seen either with her clothes on or, as now, completely naked. She was bent over the bed, untangling the sheets and picking the pillows up from the floor. She tucked the bottom sheet in, smoothed it out and tossed the crumpled top sheet on to the floor.

She was beauty personified, from her extra-long coltish legs to her flawless olive skin and well-rounded backside. And I simply was not.

I needed time to think this through, to let my mind get a word in, because my body, despite my tiredness, simply wanted to grab her and… and that was it… I wanted her with such an aching need that I was out of control. I could have easily let myself run with this, but a small voice inside said I could not. I lay face down on the bed and closed my eyes, groaning with tiredness, confusion and the pleasures of last night. Shut up, voice.

Yvonne sat on the bed beside me. I was hiding from her as a child does when the monsters creep closer and the only chance of survival lies in hiding under the covers. Except that I didn’t have any covers, only my face turned to the bottom sheet, and she definitely wasn’t a monster. I could smell coffee and I really wanted that coffee, but I was too tired to sit up and drink it and I was too busy hiding. She pushed my hair aside to kiss the back of my neck, and lay on me, stretching her long frame over my shorter one while I, in my hidden state, shrank my conscious self to that of a sparrow. Then I flew up to the ceiling, where I perched on the overhead light and looked down at the room from a central, detached viewpoint.

My small voice thought that, if I analyzed the contents of this room she called home, then maybe I could start to understand her and thereby understand to whom I was losing control. Detached viewpoint. Huh! My conscious self was right in that bed with her, reveling in her attentions. But I tried. I needed to force some reality into this fantasy I was living right now, she being the greatest fantasy of all time.

From my sparrow vantage point up high, the wall behind the bed consisted of dark-brown, unpainted, rough-textured bricks. No headboard for the simple, white pine bed; just a mattress, a base and four unadorned legs, a white sheet, our naked bodies, two white pillows and two white pine bedside tables. Dark-stained wooden floorboards smelled of linseed oil and something else I couldn’t identify.

There was a long window seat upholstered in deep-red leather. At the far end of the room, butting up to the window seat, was a desk, and at the other end, next to the stairs, a dressing-table, with a mirror above, full of make-up. Both the desk and the dressing-table had chairs that matched the two chairs at the table. The sofa was in the middle of the room facing the brick wall and the TV and stereo. At the far end of the sofa there was a standard lamp with a dark-yellow lampshade and a small mahogany occasional table.

“Are you going to wake up? There’s coffee,” she said.

Instantly, I realized I had been dreaming. But when had I fallen asleep, I wondered. Before or after I had become a sparrow? She kissed me awake, bringing me slowly back to full consciousness. She helped me to sit up, arranged a pillow behind my back against the brick wall, and passed me a cup of wonderfully aromatic, much-needed coffee. I’m sure we talked, but all I can really remember is how different I must have appeared to how I felt inside.

I sipped my coffee, expecting it to be cold after such a long time of sitting, but it was still hot. Dreams can seem so long, but be only an instant in reality. I hadn’t told Yvonne how I took my coffee. She had just assumed I was a café au lait, no sugar, like herself. This morning, we were lovers sipping our milk coffees. She fed me torn-off pieces of croissant, popping pieces into my open mouth and letting me suck her buttery fingers while we gazed into each other’s eyes. It reminded me of when my brother and I would pretend to be baby birds squawking at our mother’s feet to feed us, and she would. Pieces of toast spread with butter and marmalade would be popped into our open mouths. And now this gorgeous woman was feeding her baby sparrow with pieces of croissant, but I wasn’t squawking and I wasn’t little and I never, not that I can remember, sucked my mother’s fingers. She kissed me or I kissed her and our cups were down, the croissant dropped onto the tray, and we made love in the middle of the day.

TWO

I lay on top of her, laughing; she wouldn’t let me up. Her arms were wrapped tightly around me, keeping me attached to her.

“I’m starving and dying of thirst,” I said, resting my head comfortably on her shoulder. I wasn’t fighting her very hard. “I feel fantastic.”

She grinned at me. “Finish breakfast and we can do this all day,” she said, letting me up.

“The day must be half over.” I groaned and stretched. “We were crazy last night.”

“Great crazy,” she said, passing me my cup and getting ready with the croissant again.

I took a sip of lukewarm coffee and opened my mouth for my piece of croissant. I licked her fingers and chewed, then swore, “Shit! Jane!”

“What? Who is Jane?”

“My friend. She’ll be furious. She’ll think I’ve been killed or kidnapped. God, I’m an idiot. How could I have forgotten her? And I can’t remember my hotel.”

“Slow down, take a deep breath and think of the hotel, the name of it.”

We stared at each other with such serious expressions, so different to a moment earlier. I concentrated, trying to remember, feeling so awful for abandoning Jane. I told Yvonne about Jane while she fed me pieces of croissant and I tried to remember where we were staying.

“Hotel something,” I said.

“We need more than that,” she said, drinking her coffee.

“I’m trying,” I said, so furious with myself. I could just see poor Jane sitting in that pokey hotel room. To leave her alone all night and half the day was a terrible thing to do.

“Imagine yourself getting out of the taxi with your luggage.”

“Suitcase,” I corrected her. “One very small suitcase.”

“Okay, suitcase,” she said. “You’re walking to the hotel and you see the name of it.”

“You mean, do a Mission Impossible?” I said.

She smiled. “Exactly. Do a Mission Impossible. Think of yourself getting out of the taxi yesterday morning, with Jane and your suitcases, walking towards the hotel.” She watched me.

“I’m there,” I said. “I can see the sign.” I closed my eyes to concentrate better. Then, after a long, slow minute, “P, it starts with a P.” I fell silent for a few seconds. Then, “Pont!” I blurted out, so happy to have remembered, and spelled out, “P-O-N-T. Hotel du Pont. The Bridge Hotel. We have to ring her.”

“I’ve never heard of it.” She looked puzzled, not moving from the bed, not racing to help me or Jane. “Are you sure that’s it?”

“Yes, I’m sure. Where’s the phone?”

“Here.” She bent down. The phone was on the floor. I knew there was a phone in here somewhere; I had heard it ring briefly when I visited the bathroom. She dialed. She spoke in French, hung up and dialed again. “What’s her name?”

“Jane Harvey.”

She spoke again, mentioned Jane’s name, then handed the phone to me. I slipped under her and lay on my side, listening to the phone ring. She lay behind me, her hand on my hip.

“Hello,” said a very disgruntled voice at the faraway end of the line.

“Jane, it’s me. Don’t be angry, I’m okay…”

“Where are you? I’ve been scared half to death.”

“I know, I’m sorry. Jane, you know me. You know I wouldn’t have left like that unless it was something absolutely incredible. Jane, I’m in love with… God, I don’t know her name.”

She smiled and kissed my cheek.

“You don’t know who she is?” Jane asked, amazed.

“No. Who?”

“That’s if you’re with the same woman. Lyn, you two practically… it was embarrassing. I don’t know you any more. She’s famous, how could you not know her?”

“Are you famous?” I asked, moving the phone away from my mouth. She shrugged. “What’s her name?” I asked.

“Where are you?”

“I’m at her place. Say her name.”

“Yvonne Shuman.”

“Just a sec. What’s your name?” I asked her, my hand over the mouthpiece of the phone.

“Yvonne Shuman,” she said, smiling, then added, “Wait,” with her hand on my shoulder, keeping my attention with her for a moment.

“Jane, hang on a sec.”

“Ask her to pack your things and send them over here in a taxi.”

“This is crazy. Jane, can you pack my things for me? I’m staying here.” I remembered my suitcase, unpacked, on the floor where I had dumped it. Jane wouldn’t have much to pack.

“Lyn, what is going on? She’s a woman, she’s famous,” Jane hissed.

“Jane, I’m having an affair and I love it. I’m sorry about abandoning you. I would never do this to you if it wasn’t something incredible, you know that. I’m not doing this to hurt you.”

“I know you’re not. This is so unlike you. Boy, when you do something …” She sounded sad.

“I’m sorry. Thank you for bringing me here. Will you be all right by yourself?”

“Sure, I love being in Paris on my own.” Sounding pathetic.

“Please understand. If I miss my plane…”

“You can’t, you’ll have to pay full fare to get home,” Jane said, very annoyed now.

“I know. I’ll call you later. I’m not sure, but at this point I want to stay here. Imagine if you met someone. Can you understand? This is the most incredible person I’ve ever met.”

“Where is she now?”

“Why? She’s right here.”

“Okay, I’ll pack your things. Then what?”

“Where are we?” I asked Yvonne.

“Number twenty-one, rue de la…”

“Wait, write it down, please.”

“It’s simple. Twenty-one rue de la Cité.”

“Spelling, how do you spell it?”

“C-I-T-E,” Yvonne spelled it out.

“Jane, it’s number twenty-one, rue de la Cité. C-I-T-E.”

Yvonne made a face; my pronunciation was completely different to hers. I shrugged; Yvonne shrugged. “Tell her, we’ll pay the taxi when it gets here.”

“Jane, we’ll pay at this end. Are you still speaking to me?”

“No. This is the worst,” Jane snapped.

“At least I rang. A bit late, but we only just woke up. I’m sorry, Jane, this is very special,” I said. Yvonne was quiet behind me.

“All right. But what will I tell your parents if you don’t come home?” Jane asked, not so angry now, more disappointed and confused. I could see her puppy-dog face clearly in my mind.

“Don’t,” I said. “I’ll ring them. Or tell them I liked Paris and decided to stay … with a friend.”

“Call me at least to let me know you’re alive.”

“I will. Thanks. Bye.”

“Bye.” Jane hung up.

“She’s upset?” Yvonne asked.

“To put it mildly, yes. I’ve abandoned her. She’ll survive.” I thought of Jane’s many friends. I liked Yvonne’s name, the way it sounded in my mind. “I’m still hungry and thirsty. What time is it?” I asked, lying back on the bed, staring into incredible eyes that made me feel as if I were swimming inside them.

“Does it matter?” Yvonne said, shrugging. The famous French shrug.

“No, I suppose not,” I said, realizing that she didn’t know my name.

“Who was that woman in Mission Impossible?” Yvonne asked.

“Cinnamon,” I said. We both smiled at how we both knew it.

“Come, we’ll have a shower,” Yvonne said. “Don’t you want to get clean and cool?”

“Yes. Your eyes are amazing and you’re so beautiful.”

“Ah, don’t say that,” she said slightly angrily. “I hate that word.”

THREE

I followed Yvonne into the bathroom and once again borrowed a brush and comb. I still hadn’t seen any sign of my clothes or shoulder bag. We stepped into the full force of the shower and I grabbed the shampoo and poured a good dob of it on top of her head. But she recoiled, scowling, and proceeded to wash her hair herself. So, I thought, two things about her. No saying she’s beautiful and she doesn’t like to have her hair messed with.

“People do this all the time for me,” she said. I must have looked a bit taken aback.

Her hair was dark-brown, long and wavy, with flecks of gold. It felt incredibly soft. Yvonne later corrected my description of her hair, saying it was auburn. We made out in the shower and only dried ourselves enough so as not to wet the floor too much on our way back to bed. Mysteriously, it had been changed: two fresh white sheets were neatly tucked in and two clean white pillows placed neatly at the head of the bed.

I lay on my back with my wet hair hanging over the end of the bed. Yvonne brushed hers, then took pity on me and my laziness. She took an extension cord out of a cupboard at the far end of the room and connected it to a hairdryer. I lay back and let myself be pampered. Leaning across me to get at my hair, Yvonne combed and brushed it, then blow-dried it. I turned over and felt the brush run from the base of my head, across my scalp and down into my hair. What bliss.

FOUR

We spent the next two weeks completely alone in her apartment except for an occasional visit by Yvonne’s housekeeper, Simone. We made love, ate, slept, bathed and talked. We sat on the long window seat and looked down over Paris. The apartment was high up on a hill facing south, catching the low-lying winter sun. Now it was summer and the sun was higher in the sky, its rays reaching only a third of the way into the apartment. I leaned against her, wrapped in her arms and legs, as she pointed out famous landmarks.

FIVE

We were lying on the bed, me on my back and Yvonne sprawled on top of me, kissing me, talking, when I heard someone coming up the stairs. I peered over Yvonne’s right shoulder and saw a stocky woman in her late forties carrying a tray of food over to the dropside table. Her hair was black, streaked with grey, and tied up in a bun on top of her head. She put down the tray and retraced her steps across the apartment, back down the stairs. Yvonne hadn’t even flinched. She kept kissing me and talking, as if lying in bed completely naked with nothing to cover us was perfectly natural. Admittedly, Yvonne’s body shielded mine so it was Yvonne’s nakedness that had been on full view, if Simone had chosen to look, which I hadn’t noticed her doing.

“Who was that?” I asked.

“Simone, my housekeeper,” Yvonne said casually.

Famished, I slipped out of Yvonne’s embrace and out of bed. The food sent out the most wonderful aroma. It was hot, but it seemed appropriate somehow to eat a hot meal in this incredibly hot weather. Like eating a curry in India, except I had never been to India and this was a beef stew. Yvonne served the food, then moved her chair right beside mine. It was lunchtime, the middle of the day, bright sunshine all around, with us naked, sitting at a table, eating beef stew and steamed vegetables, and Yvonne couldn’t have been any closer to me unless she sat on me. She sat half-turned in her chair to face me, her left arm around my shoulders, kissing and touching me while we ate.

Until this meal Yvonne had seen to feeding us, disappearing down the stairs, only to reappear minutes later with a tray of food. This was our second day together, our first meal sitting at a table. I was amazed at how natural I appeared to be in all this. Maybe it was Paris or the weather, but eating naked at a table and making out at the same time seemed very natural to a large part of me. The remaining part of me was that small voice inside my head and it was going crazy. Get out! Don’t trust her! Leave! I told it to shut up. I looked down and saw my leg, then Yvonne’s leg, then my other leg and then hers, tucked up on her chair. I loved it. I loved her. Go away, small voice.

SIX

I spoke to Yvonne about safe sex after lunch, when we were back in bed having a little nap. She only shrugged.

“Don’t shrug, I’m serious,” I said.

“If we have anything, we would have given it to each other by now, and I don’t have anything to give you,” she said.

“This is serious. I don’t. But how do I know you don’t?” I asked, in spite of melting every time I looked at her. “I’m going to say it. You look more gorgeous without all that stuff on your face and that gunk in your hair and you smell wonderful.” I buried my face in her soft, clean hair and breathed deeply.

“You can say that,” she laughed. And that was our entire discussion about safe sex.

Without make-up, her eyes took on a more real quality. I could see the lines (not wrinkles or laugh-lines, Yvonne’s skin was too flawless for that), which marked the boundaries between her eyes and the space between the arch of her eyebrows, which, under make-up, were either indistinguishable or exaggerated. Now her eyes seemed larger, wider and deeper, more real. Make-up made her appear too perfect, too much out of my world. I like reality. I like to see it and feel it. Make-up covers up the mystery beneath, but you have to go beneath to discover the mystery, otherwise it’s a waste of time. You’re always left with the illusion.

SEVEN

We talked a lot, I know we did, but what about I can’t remember exactly. We seemed able to communicate very well with each other, which was odd since I am Australian and Yvonne was a mix of European influences. Her father was pure Italian and her mother half French and half gypsy, Romany, Yvonne said. I think we understood each other because of who we were as people, down to the very core of our existences, never mind what nationality, and also because Yvonne had spent a lot of time in America since she was twelve. We had also both watched a lot of movies and TV shows, having mainly American ones in common. So, if we didn’t understand each other, we reverted to basic movie language, which means we reiterated a lot and spoke in a way that was easy for the masses to understand. No euphemisms, no going off on tangents, but sticking to the point with clear, concise words. For instance: Do you mean to tell me that there is a dead body in that desk and you’re not going to tell anyone? That’s exactly what I’m telling you.

This is not an example of our “for instance” but of movie “for instance”, and I have no idea how many movies I just misquoted to get those two sentences. I can think of at least two: Arsenic and Old Lace, and His Girl Friday, which was based on The Front Page. Actually, that’s three.

I had never had so much sex or spent so much time with one person, ever. We didn’t turn on the TV or the stereo. No outside influences at all. Nothing except ourselves. We didn’t talk about tomorrow or what was happening now, only about ourselves, what we thought about and who we were.

Yvonne grew up in the country south of Paris, where her mother and only sister still lived. Her sister was married, with two children, and lived only a short drive from the family home. Yvonne’s father had left when Yvonne was eleven. By age twelve, Yvonne was entered into a local beauty pageant, which she won. When she won her second beauty pageant, she was off to America. Her mother told her to “get as much out of it as you can before your looks change, or the fashion changes on you”. Yvonne had been living on a two-year plan for twenty years. Every few years she thought, This is it. The fashion will change, or they won’t want me any more and I’ll get out. Then it became, Do it until you get too old. Thirty-two is quite old for a full-round model who does everything: photography, catwalk, clothes, hair, make-up. Too much for me to understand. Yvonne used words that I found totally foreign. She might have been speaking English, but it was all Greek to me. My only access to fashion magazines had been when I was waiting at the hairdresser or dentist or doctor.

EIGHT

Yvonne thought I was too skinny and tried to get me to eat more, but it was too hot to eat very much. I was tired from the heat and from making love. Also, I had no idea what we were really doing. I loved those two weeks, they were magical. Yvonne was kind and funny. She kept me fed and watered, but, especially, loved. I kept her loved, as well, and entertained by talking about anything and everything.

Yvonne said something sarcastic one day and I replied, “Don’t be sarcastic. I grew up with it and I don’t want it in our relationship. I also think we should be… ” But I stopped. Then I said, “If I tell you what I want and expect from our relationship and get it, I won’t know if it’s because I told you or if it’s coming from you naturally.”

On the fifth day, Yvonne was in the bathroom with the door closed. Another thing I had learned about her, privacy in the bathroom. I was brought up with the bathroom door open, but I had to respect Yvonne and her differences. I was walking slowly around the apartment, slowly because I felt peculiar being apart from Yvonne, and caught a glimpse of my naked body in Yvonne’s dressing-table mirror. I felt embarrassed. Yvonne’s body was hair-free beyond belief whereas I had only shaved. We’d just had another shower and were walking out together, or so I thought, but Yvonne hung back. I had gone to the toilet in front of her and this didn’t seem to bother her, but now she was obviously waiting for me to leave. So I did and she closed the door behind me.

I wrapped a towel around my waist and lay on the bed. My suitcase was at the top of the stairs, still unopened, with my shoulder bag, and my clothes from the first night, washed, I assumed, by Simone. I had taken my toothbrush and razor out, but that was all. Yvonne had taken one look at my hairbrush and thrown it in the wastepaper basket, so I went on using one of hers. She had a dressing-table full of make-up, yuk. I stayed away from that. My make-up was limited to mascara, blush, eye shadow and lipstick, and then only on the rarest of occasions.

Yvonne came out of the bathroom and sat beside me on the bed. She said nothing for a few seconds, then, “Why are you wearing a towel?”

“I’m embarrassed by all this,” I said. Yvonne had shaved the back of my legs in the shower, the parts I always managed to miss, and I had shaved the rest of me, but I didn’t shave every day and I felt uncomfortable next to her smooth body. Yvonne had even noticed the hairs around my nipples and… This bit I really hated.

My nipple hair didn’t bother me at all, but, suddenly, tangled up in bed together, in the middle of a big, passionate kiss, she stopped, leaned over to the bedside table and took out a pair of tweezers, which she used to pluck the hair on my upper lip and around my nipples. I was mortified. Yvonne took everything so naturally. I didn’t.

“Can I shave you all over?” she asked.

“Why would you want to do that?”

“Because I never have,” she said. “Do you know what it’s like to see women without any hair every day? I love this,” she said, running her hand through my armpit hair. “It’s so soft.”

“I hate it,” I said.

NINE

I hadn’t said yes or no, but, a few days later, Yvonne took my statement as a yes. She gathered up a bowl of water, a bar of soap, a towel and my razor and positioned herself beside me on the bed.

“Relax, I can do this,” she said.

I sat up nervously. “Be careful on the front of my legs. Down here,” I said, indicating my right shin bone. “And my knees,” I added. “I want to be waxed. Be careful.”

“Be still. The more you move, the more likely I’ll get you. And why wax yourself?”

“Because I hate body hair.” I watched Yvonne shave my legs carefully, issuing instructions all the way. I rolled over so she could shave the back of my legs. She did my bikini line and under my arms and kissed them. We were so hot when she finished we had to have a cold bath. Or lukewarm more like it.

TEN

Around day seven, Yvonne was half-asleep beside me on the bed when the phone rang. I waited for it to stop or for Yvonne to pick it up, but neither happened so I picked it up. “Hello.”

“Yvonne, please,” a male voice said, in a rather high-pitched, heavy French accent.

“She’s asleep. Can I take a message?”

“Tell her Louis called,” he said, and hung up. Not Lewis with an S, but Louie with an E.

“Yvonne, a guy called Louis just rang.”

“Ignore him. I’m not here for him,” she said.

I did ignore him until he rang again, and this time I asked, “Who is he?”

“My husband,” she said, matter-of-fact.

“You’re married?”

“I suppose so, technically, but not for long. He’s probably calling to talk about the divorce. I have lawyers for that.”

“How long have you been married?”

“I was married when I was twenty-one, but never really felt ‘in love’ married. It was arranged by our families. We should have just remained childhood friends, but our families thought it best so I did it.”

“Why? How do you feel about it?” I asked.

“It is finished, in my past,” she said, and changed the subject.

CHAPTER 3

MORNING DEPARTURE

ONE

I woke up one morning, unaware of the time, the day or the date, which wasn’t unusual. We’d slept when we wanted to, ate when we felt hungry, and made love at all hours of the day and night. We did what we wanted when we felt like it. But this morning was different. Yvonne stood beside the bed, completed dressed. I wasn’t fully awake, and this was a complete surprise to me, our two weeks were over.

“What’s happening?” I asked sleepily.

Her hair was all in place and sprayed, she had the complete make-up job on and she wore very stylish clothes, including high-heeled shoes. She sat on the bed beside my hip, running her hand over it absentmindedly. “I have to go to work, my holidays are over. I put some money in the top drawer over there, in case you need it.” She motioned over her shoulder to the chest of drawers beside the windows.

“I have money,” I said.

“It’s there if you need it. I’ll be back tonight,” she said, and touched my face with her hand before leaving.

I lay on my back, thinking. It was still very early so I rolled over and went back to sleep. I couldn’t change the fact that she worked and that she’d gone. Seeing her dressed like that felt strange, the way she was when I first saw her. We hadn’t discussed her going back to work or that we only had two weeks together. It was all a total surprise.

TWO

I woke up much later to a hot room. The time felt noonish. I had a shower, blow-dried my hair, put on a shirt, wrapped a towel around my waist, and went in search of the kitchen. From the many trips Yvonne and Simone had made up the stairs with food, I knew there had to be a kitchen downstairs somewhere. I found the entrance to the kitchen right beside the foot of the stairs, across a short hallway. The door was open and Simone was in there, busily cooking and cleaning.

“Bonjour. Le petit déjeuner, s’il vous plaît,” I said slowly and carefully, in my best high school French. Good morning. Breakfast, please.

“Oui, oui,” she said, waving me out of what was obviously her domain. Yes, yes.

I looked at the clock on the wall. It was just after eleven thirty. Apart from the kitchen door and the front door, there was another closed door at the far end of the hallway, which Yvonne said were Simone’s quarters.

The staircase had the banister on the left and a wall on the right. Yvonne had told me there were communal walls. The brick wall behind the bed was shared by a family whose address was in the street behind, and the wall at the far end of the main room was shared by the family next door. I thought the houses were lucky to have front gardens as there were no side paths or spaces behind them, but this seemed a bit dangerous. Where are the fire escapes? I’d thought when Yvonne told me all this, and I’d asked her, “What happens if there’s a fire coming up the stairs?”

“Jump out the window into the garden in front.”

I’d looked up at those small louvres she was referring to.

“You’d fit,” she’d said.

“What if I’m in the bathroom?” I’d asked. “And the fire is in the main room or coming up the stairs?”

“Jump out the bathroom window and hope for an easterly wind, or swing your body to the left just before you let fly and try to land in the neighbor’s garden, and try to avoid the fence.”

She wasn’t taking this conversation at all seriously so I’d dropped it.

“Or,” she’d continued, “hope for a westerly wind, swing your body to the right and land in our garden.”

I hadn’t considered this sarcastic, just funny. There’s a very thin line between sarcasm and humor and Yvonne knew it. So did I.

THREE

While I waited for Simone to bring my breakfast up, I flicked through Yvonne’s massive collection of CDs, massive that is compared to my ten or so at home, plus my records. There were no bulky records or fiddly turntables that jumped and scratched for Yvonne. Oh, no. Slim line, take anywhere, easy-to-use CDs. I thought that Yvonne must have tossed her collection of records and gone for total chic in one foul swoop, once CDs were definitely here to stay. The range of music was difficult to pin down. There were Italian, French, Spanish, African, American, English, so many languages and artists I didn’t know. Yvonne’s collection of books, as equally impressive in number as her CDs, was the same. Its scope was wide with many subjects, authors and languages to choose from, whereas mine was limited to English, English and English. I had figured out how to use the stereo and found a CD that I liked. Phil Collins was on when Simone placed my breakfast on the table and I said, “Merci,” again, in my best French.

I ate fresh fruit, coffee and toast and marmalade with butter, not margarine, with two main thoughts running through my head. The first was that Yvonne’s departure this morning was only unexpected because neither of us had talked about the future or the present. She’d talked about her job in a way that explained to me what she did, not what she would do. We’d lived in a fantasy world for two weeks and that didn’t include bringing reality in the form of work into it. So this morning wasn’t mysterious, just peculiar. But why hadn’t she warned me she was due to go back? Just a few short words would have sufficed to offset the total surprise I’d felt and was still feeling. She still didn’t know my name. Who was I kidding? This was a dream world! Make your own rules up as you go along.

Thought number two, much more basic, ran along the lines of Where are the fire escapes? The stairs simply ended in the middle of the floor, leaving a huge gaping hole, which invited anyone to fall down it. There were no walls up top, just two flimsy-looking, waist-high railings along each side and one at the back. The stairwell, the flimsy railings, all this, like the lack of fire escapes, seemed quite precarious to me, probably because I wasn’t used to living in a two-storeyed house. Until I finished school and left home, I had been raised in a large one-storey home, and I had only lived in a two-storey when I’d shared a terrace for three years when I was training to be a nurse. Until now, due to ill health, I’d either lived in a unit, mostly by myself, or back home with Mum and Dad.

FOUR

After breakfast, I changed clothes. I planned to go outside, into that heat, wearing a pair of jeans, a T-shirt and sandals. I hadn’t brought my shorts because I hadn’t expected Paris to be so bloody hot! I turned Phil Collins off and ventured outside, leaving my traveler’s cheques and passport behind. I remembered my new address, 21 rue de la Cité, but wrote it down in my notebook, underlined, in case I was in an accident, plus Yvonne’s name. If found unconscious, please return to Yvonne Shuman. Sorry, I don’t know her phone number or where she works and she doesn’t know my name, so, if you do contact her, she won’t know who you are talking about. In fact, even though I have her address written down on this page, she might not actually live there. She might live somewhere else and just use “that place” for her sexual conquests!

The heat hit me hard. Plus, I was very unfit. I found a park and sat down under a shady tree. I looked at my watch. Ten minutes I’d lasted before cracking up, mentally and physically. Good thing I didn’t write that down, only thought it. I’d kept Yvonne’s house in sight so I wouldn’t get lost, and could just see the green windows from my spot under the tree. The moment I looked up and saw those windows from a distance, two thoughts struck me. One scared me to death and the other thrilled me to my toenails.

The good news first. This was my fantasy! I was having an affair in Paris with a gorgeous, wonderful, sexy woman, who, now for the bad news, hadn’t told me where she was working, how I could contact her, the phone number at the apartment, or anything! The only things I could hold on to were “that house” and the hope that she would return to it, and thus come home to me, tonight. Yvonne was the only person I knew! I was hit again by the enormity of being alone in a huge city and knowing only one person. Everybody I knew in the world was thousands of kilometers away and I would have to pay full fare to fly home. I only had a couple of thousand in the bank back home and no job to return to. The airline ticket alone would practically wipe me out.

I forced my mind to slow down for a while and, after physically resting for twenty minutes, found I could stand up and venture further afield, confident that all my craziness about Yvonne was pure bullshit. It was a good thing that Yvonne’s apartment was so recognizable. I could see it for kilometers. Could, but didn’t. I didn’t walk that far.

I found a cafe close by and ordered some lunch, practicing my fractured French on the poor waiter: les oeufs, omelette, et le pain, toast. The thrill of it all vanished temporarily, though, when the bill arrived with my meal. It was so expensive.

While I ate my ten-francs-a-bite meal, I thought about Jane back home to keep my mind off where I was and what I was doing: both caused palpitations and extra heat. I’d rung Jane the day before we were due to fly home and told her I had never been happier and was definitely staying on. I’d sent her the money for my half of the hotel bill. Yvonne arranged it, probably through Simone. I had roughly two hundred dollars left, plus my two thousand in the bank.

FIVE

I walked slowly back to the house and knocked and knocked, but no-one came. I was stuck outside in the heat without a key. The building was vertically flat, no awnings, no bits jutting out, to protect me from the elements. I had to wait nearly two hours for Simone to return. She was so upset when she found me in the small garden, dying in the heat. Typical French: one minute passionately angry, and the next passionately full of concern. Simone wasn’t as bad as I first thought. All I could think of was ripping my jeans off and plunging under a cold shower. Shit! I couldn’t drink the shower water. Imagine living in a city where you can’t drink the water.

Situated between the chest of drawers and the window seat was a rather large bar fridge, keeping cold a number of bottles of non-carbonated mineral water and other necessary drinks and small items. In my parched condition, I grabbed a cold bottle of water and guzzled it straight down as I lay on the sofa, listening to more of Yvonne’s CD collection and waiting for the lady herself to come home.

I was interested in the money in the drawer and how Yvonne knew I needed some, or thought I did. She was supposed to be a famous model and yet her apartment was tiny and very simply furnished. She kept no pictures of herself. In fact, there were no pictures of anyone.

Not able to sit still, I wandered around the apartment and came across another room to the left of the bathroom. I thought it was a closet until I opened the door. It contained a double bed, not made up, and two wardrobes full of clothes. Lots of boxes, packing cases and suitcases were shoved everywhere. I also found another exit in case of fire. There was a window at the far end of the room that looked out onto the street behind and, more importantly, two gardens to choose between for soft landings. The front window still seemed the best option to me.

I left the room and walked to the windows in the main room, once again looking out for Yvonne. This time I was lucky. A taxi pulled up outside and she stepped out with parcels tucked under her arms as she struggled to pay the driver. She looked up at the windows, but didn’t wave back. The windows were the kind that you could only see out of. Yvonne had stood naked in front of them once during the day to show me something. I told her to get down. She laughed and told me no-one could see in.

SIX

I was sitting at the top of the stairs, eager and impatient, when Yvonne opened the front door and walked in. She stood at the foot of the stairs and smiled up at me, raising invisible arms to embrace me. Her shoulders seemed to have some great weight lifted from them as she dropped her bag and parcels to the floor, left her keys on the large square newel post, and proceeded to crawl on her hands and knees up to me. Her knees must have hurt, but she didn’t seem to notice. I ached for her physical touch and sighed deeply when, finally, after such a slow crawl, she fell, tired and hot, into my open arms. I quickly gathered her to me, clutching her so tightly that I thought I might break myself.

We sat on the steps for a while, just hugging each other, feeling each other’s bodies, our love and the physical contact that had been denied us all day. My legs closed around her. I felt the smoothness of her bare legs, which were drawn up to her chest and hooked over my right thigh, making her body as small as possible in my arms. I ran my hands up and under her dress to her bare body, lifting her dress with my arms up around her shoulders. Her arms were tight around me, her head on my shoulder and her backside jammed between my legs; her physical contact warmed my crotch beyond belief. Our bodies were together again. I wanted no more than this heaven.

After maybe five minutes of silence and mutual cuddling, she sat back a little. “I was scared you wouldn’t still be here.”

“Where else would I be?” I said, helping her to stand up. She headed straight for the bed and fell onto it, face down. “What time did you leave this morning?” I asked.

“Six,” she muttered into the bed, her voice filled with tiredness.

I prodded her in the back. “Are you going to move?”

“No,” she murmured, and yawned, then sighed deeply and didn’t move a muscle.

I undressed her, stripping her of her shoes, dress and underpants. Then I kissed her warm back and left her to sleep.

SEVEN

I ate dinner at the table, some sort of chicken casserole with rice, then moved to the sofa and watched TV with the volume down. Yvonne slept for over two hours and woke up with a puzzled expression on her face. When she saw me on the sofa, she smiled and relaxed.

I went over and sat beside her on the bed. “You were exhausted.”

“I couldn’t concentrate all day. I kept ringing Simone to see what you were doing.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. You got locked out. I got you a key. I need food.” She got up, but headed for the bathroom first. She was soon back, asking, “What did you do all day?”

“Not much, walked a little. It was too hot to do much else.”

“Especially in these,” she said, picking up my jeans from the suitcase, then dropping them quickly as if they were contaminated. “I got into trouble for losing weight. I have to eat.” She stepped into a dress, leaving underpants optional.

“How can a model be too small?”

“They have my size for all the clothes and when suddenly I change… merde! Chaos!” she said, and vanished down the stairs.

I waited for Yvonne to bring her dinner back up, but went down after her when she didn’t return.

She sat on a stool at the kitchen table.

“Why are you eating in here?”

“Because, if I eat up there, I will only lose interest in my food and want to kiss you,” she said very seriously, “which is what I want to do now. This is how I lost weight, too much sex and not enough food. Lyn, I have to eat.”

“That’s the first time you’ve said my name. I didn’t even know if you knew it.”

“I looked in your wallet this morning,” she said, sounding slightly guilty, but not much.

I left her to eat dinner, alone.

EIGHT

“How can your name be Shuman? That doesn’t even sound Italian.”

Yvonne cuddled up to me in bed. “Shuman is my mother’s maiden name. It’s terribly confusing as it’s not Italian or French. My mother doesn’t have anything to do with my father since he left, Mama’s choice. He’s gone and forgotten.”

“What time did you get up this morning?” I asked.

“Why?”

“We went to bed quite late.”

“About four thirty.”

“That’s crazy, it’s the middle of the night.”

“That’s when we work,” she said.

“You better go to sleep now.”

“But I’m not going to sleep and spoil our perfect record.” She drew me closer and slowly took off my shirt. She had already taken off her dress. Nudity seemed to come more naturally to her than it did to me.

She lay on top of me, kissed me long and hard, and ran her fingers through my hair as our bodies moved together and her breasts excited mine. We rubbed ourselves against each other. She came first, then went down on me until I came. We lay on the bed, cuddling, resting, until Yvonne broke the silence.

“Did you look at the money?” she said. “I’m only going to talk about this once and that’s it.”

“I looked. I don’t know how much is there.”

“I can tell by your clothes and everything about you that you haven’t got any. I have. Use the money. I’m not embarrassed by it. If I were in Australia and poor, and you were rich, what would you do?”

“I’d look after you.”

“So, we won’t talk about money any more?”

“No,” I said slowly.

“You don’t sound convinced.”

“Leave it with me for a while.”

“Do you know how to use the bidet?” She changed the subject abruptly, sort of smiling as she inched away towards the bathroom.

“Why?” I asked suspiciously.

“You don’t, do you?” she said, trying to drag me off the bed, but I grabbed hold of the mattress.

“No, why? What’s wrong with me?” I asked, losing my grip. She was much stronger than me.

“Nothing,” she said. She perched on the side of the bed. “You don’t eat much bread and you push mushrooms away. Do you have a problem?”

“No, and I want to keep it that way.”

“Here. Take two of these every day and you can eat what you like.” She took a bottle of pills from the cupboard at the far end of the room. “I take them myself. They are natural and I have never had any problems with thrush. My mother gets them, she’s a natural therapist.”

“Nothing bad in them?” I was suspicious. “You must be the only woman in the world since the invention of antibiotics never to have had thrush.”

“I’ve never taken antibiotics. Mama looks after my health. There is nothing bad in them, they are completely natural. These are still quite new. Mama replaces them when they get too old. I can insert a pessary up you daily for a while. It’ll dissolve and then I can eat you in the morning.”

I lay, head on hand, listening. “You’ll eat me.”

“It’ll be fun. They are supposed to taste nice. They have honey, sesame seed oil, tea tree oil, acidophilus, all sorts of stuff in them. They are perfectly safe. I’ll get Mama to send some more. Come, let me show you how to use the bidet.” She held out her hand.

The way Yvonne said “Mama” would have sounded childish coming from anyone else, but not the way she said it. It sounded very French and very close.

“How often do you use the bidet?” I asked.

“Every time,” she said, kneeling on the bath mat on the tiled floor. She sat me down on the bidet, my legs spread wide either side of it, and showed me how to wash myself. The warm water swooshed right up me, naturally opening me up to her fingers feeling around inside me. She reached across and produced a plastic bottle with a squirter on top from a cupboard. “Here’s some anti-fungal solution you can put in the water, it’s better than soap. I’ll wash you with that and then I’ll insert that pessary.”

“I don’t have any problems now. I used to, but if I stay on a relatively yeast-free diet, I’m fine.”

“What about drinking wine? You are in France and you don’t drink wine or eat bread.” She bent her head to the task of washing me between my legs and inside my vagina, the anti-fungal solution now squirted into the water.

I shook my head. “I’m not supposed to drink wine and I can only eat bread if it’s toasted.”

“But you’ve been drinking some wine and eating some fresh bread for the last two weeks.”

“I know, and I have to cut down.”

“That’s what I’m saying, you don’t have to. Take the pills, and the other ones for a while, wash yourself and you’ll be fine. Try it.”

“Honey?” I said. “Why honey?”

“To make them taste good, I suppose.”

“But I won’t be taking them orally,” I said.

“I’ll enjoy it more.” She smiled.

Yvonne really enjoyed shoving the pessary up me. I took two of the tablets with a glass of cold water and put on underpants to catch any overflow from the pessary melting inside me.

“I feel like your child, not your lover.” I felt awkward.

“That’s how you feel. I can be your mother and your lover,” Yvonne said. She kissed me and switched off the light.

CHAPTER 4

WORKING GIRL

ONE

The next morning, Yvonne was gone, leaving a note sticky-taped to the pillow beside me. We hadn’t yet worked out who slept on which side of the bed. We slept where we ended up. In our first two weeks together, that had included the wrong end of the bed or lying diagonally across it.

The note read, Check the drawer. Love, Yvonne. The handwriting was even better than mine. I checked the drawer and found a package with my name on it. I unwrapped the brown paper and inside was a pair of shorts. Of all the things she could have bought me, this was exactly what I needed. She hadn’t gone out again after coming home yesterday so she must have bought them earlier, maybe while I was out, in my jeans, dying in the heat.

The shorts were bone-colored calico and had side panels and front pockets of a pink-and-purple paisley design. I shaved my legs in the shower and went out after breakfast in my new shorts, which, of course, fitted perfectly. I walked further that day, always keeping Yvonne’s home or some other recognizable building in sight, the trail of breadcrumbs to lead me home.

I ate lunch at a cheaper outdoor cafe, which still turned out to be fairly expensive, and then sat in the park and fed the birds. I found a newsagent stand and browsed through the fashion magazines to maybe get a glimpse of Yvonne at work. I hadn’t seen one photograph of her yet. I was in Paris, the city of lovers, and God was I in love, or lust, or both, with Yvonne. I was living the fantasy, actually having an affair in Paris. Now. Today. But…

Why was there always a but?

The but was, she worked and I didn’t. And hadn’t for over ten months. I had left my job burnt out. I had tried to find another job, but everything was too demanding, too stressful, and I was still on unemployment benefits, “the dole”. But no longer, I was sure. I’d missed my fortnightly check-in.

TWO

Using my bad French and a lot of sign language, I explained to Simone that I wanted to call home. I calculated the time in Sydney to be around ten o’clock at night and was guaranteed to find both my parents at home, very pleased to hear from me. I hadn’t spoken to my parents for over two weeks, or even sent them a postcard, and I was sure that, by now, they would have heard from Jane and thus only her version of my life in Paris so far. Bugger the cost, I thought. Yvonne could afford it, I was sure. I was in the right frame of mind to tell them my story. But how much would I really tell?

Simone used the phone in the kitchen to ring directory assistance for the information I needed. Then, using the phone upstairs, she dialed the appropriate area codes, added my parents’ number, and left me ensconced on the bed, with a ringing phone.

I was quick and to the point. I told them I had met a woman who worked, a model, and I was staying at her place. Yes, Paris was wonderful. Too hot for a lot of walking, but I had seen a lot. My mother had been to Paris. She kept asking me if I’d seen certain places and things. I said yes to everything and added that everything was great. Expensive, but great. And, no, I had no idea when I was coming home.

THREE

I closed my eyes over Yvonne’s CD collection and let my finger land on anything. With the music on, I stretched out on a throw rug, which Simone had found for me, on the floor and did a few exercises, sit-ups, push-ups, bicycling. My choice of music was terrible. The beat constantly changed and the tracks kept alternating between jazz and rap…  I hate rap. I felt excited about being in Paris, but alone without Yvonne. Plus, I had this terrible work ethic gnawing away inside me. She worked so I ought to be out there working, too. I can’t speak French, I told myself. I don’t understand francs and centimes enough to work, and it might be illegal if I tried. Maybe I need a work permit.

I counted the money in the drawer and translated it into Australian dollars with my trusty pocket calculator. There was about four hundred and fifty dollars. I was just about to return the money to the drawer when I heard a car door slam shut. I’d found the apartment to be a bit stuffy with the windows closed all the time, so I had opened five; hence, I could hear outside noises. I became a pointer dog, my head turned towards the windows, listening. I looked out. It was Yvonne. She’d probably spotted the open windows, realized I was home, and wanted to alert me to prepare for our reunion.

FOUR

She appeared at the top of the stairs with more parcels.

“Hi. How was your day?” I said.

“What happened to meeting me halfway?” she asked.

“I feel a bit lonely when you’re not here.” I was unable to move towards her.

“Lyn, what’s happened?”

“Nothing. I should get a job,” I said stupidly, without really meaning it.

“A job?” Yvonne laughed. “What would you do?”

“I don’t know. Work in a bread shop. There’s lots of bread out there,” I said.

Yvonne perched herself on the arm of the sofa and swung her bare leg back and forth. Her parcels landed on the floor beside her in a series of individual clunks.

“Why do you get so made up just to go to work?” I asked.

“This is how I always look. I’m naked without make-up.”

“And your clothes? You’re only going to work.”

“Yesterday I came home to find you on the stairs, waiting for me, smiling, and now what?”

I walked over to the sofa and knelt down before her, circling her waist with my arms and pulling her down onto the sofa with me. We lay together, all wrapped up, and kissed with our mouths open and our tongues delving deep. We had ourselves a long, passionate smooch.

Yvonne slid her mouth off mine and continued our lovemaking by planting kisses all over my face, while I ran my hands over her smooth legs, and up under her dress. Unlike me, she was one gorgeous, olive-skinned person. So much for the bronzed Aussie. I was white.

Suddenly, Yvonne sat bolt upright. “Why aren’t you kissing my face?” she complained. “And why do you always touch my legs? What’s wrong with me?”

“Yvonne, look at what you’re wearing.”

A quick glance down. “Oui, so?”

“I hate your make-up, it tastes revolting. Where are you under all that?”

“Get used to it. I always wear it.”

“No, you don’t. You didn’t wear the damn stuff while we were on our two-week escape from the world,” I said, sitting up.

“What about my legs? You’re always touching them.”

“You’re wearing designer clothes and make-up. I think I did pretty well to survive your lipstick. I’m scared I’ll hurt your clothes and get a mouthful of make-up. Your legs are the only things I can touch without fear of destroying something.”

“I’ll take everything off, then,” she said. “But I’ve made reservations for us to go out to dinner.”

“So the make-up stays on till after dinner?”

“Yes. I’ll have a shower and change, I’m so sweaty,” she said, jumping up from the sofa.

“Yvonne.”

“Oui.”

“I unpacked and took one of your drawers.” I went over to the long wardrobe.

“A drawer! You took a whole drawer!” she said with her hand on her heart. She was doing a wonderful job taking off Demi Moore in About Last Night.

“Yes, a whole drawer. And some hanging space.”

She glared at me. “I hope it’s not my favourite drawer.”

“How one woman can have two drawers full of underpants is beyond me. I fitted most of my entire wardrobe into a drawer that you used for half your underpants. Not underwear, solely underpants. I didn’t know you wore a bra.”

“You’ve been snooping,” she said, pretending to be shocked.

“Yes,” I said with my head slightly bowed in mock penance. A take-off of9ݣWeeks.

“I have to get ready, the restaurant is for seven thirty,” she said on her way to the bathroom.

“It’s only five fifteen now,” I called.

“I know. I thought we’d have a romantic stroll first. Does that bring you out of whatever it is you were in?” she called back.

“Yes. Have your shower.”

“Join me, I missed you all day. I don’t think I can exist not seeing you for so long. You better have lunch with me tomorrow. I rang, but you were out. Have you got another lover already?”

“Yes, the birds I feed in the park.” I found her bent over the basin, taking off her make-up. My eyes travelled over her naked body, starting at her head, pausing on her breasts and ending at her toes. I took off my clothes as I kissed her sweaty back, licking up the salty taste, then knelt on the tiled floor to kiss her backside. I opened her up and slipped two fingers inside. Then, palm down, I began to rhythmically fuck her, remembering to pay special attention to grinding my fingertips into the front wall of her vagina, hitting her G spot, and adding an extra finger when she opened wider to me. Her hands clutched the rim of the basin. I ran my left hand around to her clitoris and rubbed it, still fucking her and sucking and biting her backside. She rose up on her toes and came. Slipping my fingers out, but continuing to rub her clitoris, I edged her legs apart and parted the folds of her labia. I sank my tongue deep inside and licked her until she finished climaxing.

I stood up as she turned around to me. She clasped me to her and kissed me on the mouth. Her hand delved between my legs. I turned us around and leaned back against the basin as she bent her head to my nipple.

Her right hand rubbed my clitoris while the fingers of her left hand slipped inside me. Within minutes, I was climaxing, and Yvonne raised her head to watch every gasp and shudder.

FIVE

Yvonne walked out of the spare bedroom, fiddling with an earring, and announced, “I’m ready.” Then, looking me over, “Is that…”

“What?” I asked.

She looked confused for a second, but quickly recovered her composure. “Can you help me?” she asked, handing me her troublesome earring.

“Sure. What were you going to say?” I felt she could have easily attached the earring herself, but was stalling for some reason, buying time.

“Maybe I’ll be too hot in this,” she said, referring to her dress. Besides her shoes, she wasn’t wearing much else.

“I was going to kiss you, but you’ve got all that make-up on again,” I said, watching her change into clothes that looked the same temperature as before, but just not as glamorous or chic. “Are you dressing down for me?” I asked. Our eyes met.

“We seem to have a problem,” she said. I still stood, my arms folded across my chest. “I don’t have clothes like yours and you don’t appear to have any clothes like mine.” She had even changed her jewelry. Instead of gold hoop earrings, she now wore a simple pair of diamond studs. Wearing diamonds was dressing down?

“Just wear jeans,” I said.

She turned to me and smiled.

“You must have jeans,” I said.

She shook her head.

“Everybody has jeans,” I said.

“Not me. This will do,” she said, bending down to pick up the phone. From an exquisitely tailored, cream-colored dress and high heels, she had changed into flat shoes and an off-the-shoulder dress that was short and simple. But still the perfect make-up and hair.

SIX

“Who did you ring?” I asked on our way downstairs.

“I changed restaurants. You wouldn’t have been let in at the one I chose.” We stood at the foot of the stairs with our arms around each other, waiting for the taxi. “Did you miss me today?” she asked, gently shaking me by the shoulders.

I wiped her lipstick off my mouth with my hanky. “Of course, like crazy. I was lost all day. I’m in Paris, but I may as well be in Timbuktu for all I’m seeing.”

SEVEN

We strolled beside the Seine, hand in hand, with Yvonne pointing out places of interest to me. It was evening now, but the weather hadn’t eased at all. My jeans stuck to me. I leaned over the wall between us and the water below and peered down into the murk. I definitely wouldn’t want to swim in that; I doubted fish survived at all. Yvonne stood behind me, wrapped her arms around me and cuddled in. She wore a hat, my favourite, a black velvet, turned-up-at-the-front hat. She looked gorgeous. I straightened up and turned around, then turned us around, so she could slouch against the wall and we could look at each other eye-to-eye.

“How tall are you?” I asked.

“Feet or metric?” she said.

“Feet,” I said. “I was too far into the imperial system when they changed it on me for me to ever understand metric properly.”

“Five foot ten and a quarter,” she said.

“Only three and a half inches difference. I’m five foot six and three-quarters.” Without shoes, three and a half inches wasn’t too much. But I liked to look into her eyes, not up at them.

EIGHT

We walked into a cozy-looking Italian restaurant and minor mayhem. About ten English-speaking people immediately recognized Yvonne and asked insistently for her autograph, until the owner held them at bay and showed us to a private table in the back, behind a frosted-glass partition.

By its proximity to the kitchen, it was probably the employees’ table and the owner gave it up for Yvonne, the famous one.

A crisp white tablecloth flew out across the table, along with cutlery, glasses and a lit candle floating in a red bowl. I waited until Yvonne had ordered spaghetti and red wine for us both, in Italian, before asking her how famous she was.

“Very famous. France’s specialty,” she said, or rather stated as a matter of fact, and sipped her wine. She sat half-turned in her seat, looking at the main room, through the partition. The frosted glass made everyone appear peculiar: long noses, tall heads, big hands.

“What? What’s going on?”

“I’ve been getting some heat about us,” she said, turning back, her eyes now focusing on mine. She took another sip.

“Bad?”

She shrugged. “Any time I go out with anybody, it’s big news,” she said quietly. The waiter served our dinner. Yvonne squeezed my hand. “Don’t worry about it. I’m starving and you’re still too skinny.” She dived straight in and piled a huge mouthful of spaghetti into her mouth. I was still trying to get it on my fork. Yvonne twirled some onto her fork and fed me. “Much quicker this way.”

I wanted to burst out laughing, but my mouth was full of spaghetti. I choked my laughter down and concentrated on chewing.

Yvonne fed herself, and me in between my, as she put it, “feeble attempts at spaghetti-handling”.

“So I can’t speak French and eat spaghetti properly,” I said.

Yvonne shrugged and ate some more.

“I thought models were supposed to watch what they ate,” I said.

Yvonne stared at her meal. “Yes, but I still like to enjoy my food. So occasionally I eat something full of calories. I’ll work it off.” She smiled very seductively at me and raised a huge forkful of spaghetti to my mouth.

“No, I’ve had enough,” I said, backing away.

“One more,” she said, following me with the fork. “You’ll fade away and who will I make love to then?”

Reluctantly, I opened my mouth. “No more,” I mumbled.

Despite Yvonne’s force-feeding tactics, I only managed to eat half my dinner, whereas she wiped her plate clean, mopping up the sauce with the scrummy fresh Italian bread. She drank more wine than I did, “to finish the bottle”, and had an espresso. I had a cappuccino. Then she paid the bill, in cash, before we left our secluded love nest to face the people in the main room, who openly stared at Yvonne as we took that long walk to the door.

I’d never experienced anything like this and was pleased to be down by the river and away from people who recognized her.

We kissed and cuddled, Yvonne hiding her face from passers-by. Just two women in love in Paris.

NINE

“Do you know why I was so tired that first day I went to work?” she asked, when we were back in her apartment. That first day was only yesterday.

“No. Only you have to get up early.”

“I was awake all night, thinking of us. You mainly. I didn’t know you, your name, anything. I looked at your wallet, your passport, your visa, all your clothes. I snooped into everything and I crept around in the dark, trying to be so quiet, scared you would wake up.” She waved her arms around. Emphasis? Guilt? Habit?

“Yvonne, I don’t mind if you looked at my personal belongings. God knows, you’ve looked at my body closely enough. I haven’t got any secrets. I’m an out-of-work person, end of story,” I said, sitting sideways on one end of the window seat, with Yvonne at the other end, playing footsies with me.

“I thought maybe you were a journalist,” she went on, “I panicked. Actually, I’ve been in a panic since I met you.”

I was stunned. “You don’t look it. You’re always so alert, full of that French bravado. Except for your faux pas with the gold hoop earrings and the dress, I wouldn’t have known.”

“I’m a model, I pose. You noticed the earrings?” she smiled, then said seriously, “You could have been anyone.”

“I am anyone and no-one,” I said. “Do you want me to leave?”

“No, of course not.” She leant forward, her attention now returned to planet Earth and me.

TEN

It was late. Yvonne had to work tomorrow. But to keep our perfect record, we made love.

As I drifted off to sleep, I was haunted by the image of Yvonne creeping around the apartment in the dark, searching my personal belongings to find out who I was. I even saw her taking my suitcase and shoulder bag into the spare bedroom, closing the door and turning on the light to get a better look. I thought of something. She said she’d seen all my clothes, had snooped through everything, and yet, having made reservations at a fancy restaurant, she was surprised by what I wore.

CHAPTER 5

THE THIRD DAY

ONE

Yvonne rang in the middle of breakfast to tell me what time to meet her for lunch. Last night, she’d written down the address of our rendezvous, plus the name and phone number of the taxi service I had to call, and then she’d told me what to say on the phone and how to say it. She seemed to anticipate what I needed as soon as, or even before, I thought of it myself.

As I looked around the main room, I noticed how tidy Yvonne was. The main room was personal and had a lovely feeling to it, but at the same time it was very orderly and functional. The bed was practically the only thing that was occasionally messy, until Simone made it, which she did every time I had a shower.

I felt amazed by where I was and who I was with. But I accepted it. Sure Yvonne wore very stylish and expensive clothes and her jewelry was probably the best. But that’s who she was. I accepted her as she accepted me. Somehow we met in the middle. There was no point in me being constantly amazed at everything. I wasn’t like that. I just seemed to go with the flow, letting things happen around me. And if they were great, why pick at them? If Yvonne were an African woman living in a bark hut with hundreds of hoops through her ears or rings around her neck, I would have accepted that as being part of her culture. Yvonne was a direct result of her culture and I was a direct result of mine. I was in Paris and I was in love with a wonderful woman who wore strange clothes and hats and jewelry. She was a walking Vogue. Part of me loved it. Hard to touch Vogue, though.

TWO

I met Yvonne outside a small, unpretentious restaurant. She tapped her watch. I was two minutes late. We kissed and went inside.

Yvonne and I ate lunch, talked nonstop and looked only at each other, until some people, either friends or admirers, stopped by to say hello.

She sparkled. She sent shivers up my spine, running her bare foot up my bare leg and looking at me in her special, seductive way. Then she would look away, all innocence, as if nothing was going on, leaving me the only one with a sexy look on my face.

She didn’t have very long for lunch. We cuddled and kissed outside until a taxi came past. So romantic and sad, having to be apart.

THREE

I was determined to see a picture of Yvonne. I went into the spare bedroom. I found loads of them, some framed, some in magazines. I stood a framed one on the cover of Vogue against the head of the bed and stared at it. No warmth. Cool. Beautiful. I tried to sink into her eyes, but I couldn’t. It was Yvonne all right, but the picture had no soul. I smiled at the thought of Yvonne climaxing in bed. This photo was perfect, too perfect. I was so happy to have the real thing coming home to me and happy that she was happier in life than she appeared to be on the cover of this magazine.

FOUR

Yvonne found me among them. I was a bit unsure as to how she would react to this, snooping into her personal life without her permission, but she calmly sat on the bed and slid her arms around me as we kissed. Then we looked at them together. She seemed extremely tired and bored seeing herself. The photos became less interesting than us and we pushed them aside willy-nilly to make room for our welcome home session of lovemaking, make-up and all.

FIVE

“You know,” I said, lying back on the bare mattress, “whoever lives behind us can’t have a very large place.”

Yvonne didn’t ask what I was talking about or how I’d arrived at this conclusion. She just waited for me to go on, knowing full well I would. As long as she was paying attention…

“Are you asleep?” I asked.

“No, go on. I’m listening,” she said.

“Simone lives downstairs, so that leaves only upstairs.”

“Simone’s place isn’t that big. I see what you’re getting at. You think someone only lives in a small bedsit right next to us, cramped beside this room and behind our bed. Well, maybe.” She shrugged.

“Don’t you care?” I asked.

“Lyn, this is Paris. Home of small terraced bedsits. It’s famous for them. People thrive on them, artists, authors. All those movies with only a bed, a stove and a bathroom down the hall.”

“Or in the bedroom, before an open fire.”

“That’s London. You’ve got your cities mixed up. Going down to the local cafe for coffee and bread.”

“See, I told you about bread.”

SIX

“I worry about what you do all day while I’m not here,” Yvonne said over dinner.

“I’m in Paris. I’ll get a tourist guide book and see it.”

“On your own?”

“Well, what else can I do? You can’t come with me. We’d be mobbed and you’re too busy. I’ll wander around and see the main attractions.”

“You don’t seem too thrilled by the idea.”

“I’d prefer to spend my time with you, but the holidays are over. You work, and I play at being tourist. That’s why I came here in the first place. It’s just that what’s in this room seems a lot more appealing than what’s outside,” I said, staring across the table. Yvonne had one leg bent up on her chair as she ripped into a chop bone. Her make-up was gone and she’d brushed her hair. She looked gorgeous. “They should take your picture right now,” I said. “You look much better in real life.”

“Maybe to you, but not to the camera. You don’t know what you are talking about,” she said with a flick of her hair and a hint of impatience in her voice. I caught a glimpse of something in her eyes for just a second. Maybe it was anger. “What would you want to do besides being a tourist?” she asked, all loving now and really interested.

“Play tennis. I haven’t played in ages. And swim, except…” I trailed off, too embarrassed to finish.

“Tennis. I have a friend who plays. I’ll give him a call,” she said, wiping her greasy hands on her napkin, then stacking the plates on the tray.

“Yvonne, I’d like to see a beautician while I’m here,” I said uncomfortably.

“Of course, if you want. Anything special?” she asked with concern.

“Lots of things. I’m like a car abandoned in an old garage. I need lots of bodywork.” Yvonne started to head downstairs with the tray. Before she vanished, I called, “Only I don’t want someone in your business.”

SEVEN

We sat on the window seat, drinking coffee and looking out.

Yvonne tapped my foot with hers and said, “You’ve been shy all night. I thought we were close enough to be past that.”

“In a lot of ways we are,” I said, “but, basically, I’m a very shy person. I only get on well with some people. Most people are too busy or I don’t seem to connect with them on any level. I never know how I’m going to be until it happens.”

“Until what happens?”

“Anything. You, for example. Somehow I work with you, in every way.” I smiled at her as I played with her foot.

“So why are you shy now?”

“Because,” I said, stressing the point, “seeing a beautician is scary.” Yvonne shrugged and stood up with her hand out. “And because you wouldn’t have any idea how I feel about this. You haven’t led a normal life since you were twelve years old. When were you first waxed?” I asked.

“I can’t remember. This is silly.” She waved her hand at me to stand up and go with her. “I’ll get you someone who is considerate. Don’t worry. I’ll handle it.”

CHAPTER 6

STORM WARNING

ONE

I met Yvonne for lunch the following day at the same restaurant as the previous day. I saw some very famous faces walk past our table today, now that my blinkers were off and I felt free to look around. Yvonne gave me the name of a woman to call about my “bodywork”. I made a face.

“I wasn’t being sarcastic, they were your words,” she said, shoveling her food in quickly.

“Why does your accent come and go?” I asked, picking at my own food.

She shrugged. “You’ll never put on any weight like that,” she said, trying to force-feed me.

“Stop it. Look at the girls around here, they have to starve themselves,” I said, pushing her hand away from my mouth.

“Of course, they have to, you don’t. I’m going to call my mother and have her send up some vitamins, something to get your energy level up.”

“It’s the heat. I don’t work well in the heat.”

Yvonne had paid the bill and now she sat waiting for me to finish.

I remedied that situation quick smart. Hell, I could eat any time.

“Bon. I have some more time,” she said, standing up to leave.

TWO

“I don’t need to go to the toilet,” I said.

“Yes, you do,” she said, pushing the door open. “I know it’s not the best place, but it’s all we have,” she whispered in my ear. We waited for a woman to leave before heading into a stall together.

Trying to be quiet, we locked lips and kissed, hung our bags on the hook on the back of the door and undid our clothes, as we touched and caressed each other as much as we could in the limited space available.

Yvonne climaxed first, with me on one knee crouched on the floor, my head between her legs, sucking.

I stood up, kissed her on the mouth and placed her hand in position between my legs. Yvonne took over and brought me to a shuddering climax. I buried my mouth in her neck to smother my groans. We kissed and cuddled for a few more minutes, then tidied ourselves up.

Yvonne stayed behind when I went out. I washed my hands, brushed my hair and checked myself out in the mirror. I washed my face to rid myself of Yvonne’s make-up, then went into a free stall just as Yvonne exited hers.

As I came out of my stall, Yvonne said, “Do you want to see where I’ll be working for the next couple of hours?” But a quick glance at her watch and a grab at her make-up paraphernalia, changed that to, “Merde, look at the time. Maybe tomorrow.” She kissed me, left a new dose of lipstick on my lips, and rushed out.

THREE

Back at the apartment, I phoned the beautician and made an appointment for tomorrow. I selected a CD and stretched out on the floor for some exercise time. I was pretty hopeless, only lasted twenty minutes and was sweaty and breathing heavily when I finished.

Yvonne came home earlier than I expected. “It’s only four,” I said.

“So? We start early, we finish early,” she said after the briefest of kisses. She dropped her bag on the floor and went into the bathroom.

I opened the bathroom door a fraction. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m on the toilet. Leave me alone,” she snapped. After a pause, “Nothing. I’m tired. They work me too hard sometimes.” She came out and sat down at her desk, put on her glasses and began studying some papers. “What have you been doing?”

“Nothing.”

“Good. We can go out again tonight,” she said, still studying her papers. “There’s some mail for you beside my bag. Don’t use this address, Lyn. I’ll give you a post office box number for that.”

“It’s only from my Mum,” I said, tearing the letter open and reading it.

“I have to keep where I live private. Here’s the box number. Who have you told?” She sat down beside me on the sofa and handed me a piece of paper.

“My parents. Jane has it, but she’s probably lost it by now. Don’t worry, I’ll tell them to burn your address, I understand.” I massaged the back of her neck and delved deep into her eyes, which looked troubled. The sparkle was gone. “I won’t interfere with your professional life,” I went on. “I know what it means to have a career and keeping that sacred. I won’t ever call you at work unless it’s an emergency. I understand about priorities, but you’re home now.” I took off her glasses and pulled her down onto the sofa with me, dropping my mother’s letter and her glasses on to the floor, then sliding them both under the sofa and away from our feet when we got up and forgot they were there.

FOUR

We lay on the sofa together, Yvonne dozing and me re-reading my mother’s letter, nothing important, everything the same. The phone rang. Yvonne didn’t move and it didn’t stop so I got up and answered it. “Hello.”

“Hello. This is Louis. I want to speak to Yvonne.”

“She’s not home.”

“Have her call me, please,” he said, and hung up.

“That was your ex again, he wants you to call him.”

“Son of a bitch. Who the hell does he think he is?” Yvonne spat. She picked up her clothes from the floor and stormed off to the bathroom. She threw her clothes into the laundry basket and turned on the shower. “Don’t talk to him again, just hang up,” she yelled over the noise of the water.

“Fine,” I called back.

Ten minutes later, she was back out. “He is a bastard,” she said, furiously drying herself.

“I get the message. Are you divorced yet?”

“I don’t care. As far as I am concerned, I never married him in the first place.” She tossed the towel onto the floor. “Are we going out or not?” she barked, and threw her hands in the air, gesturing her impatience.

“I’m ready,” I said, lying naked on the sofa.

“You are a pain. I was married to one and now you are making my life a misery.”

“I like that. I’m not going out with you while you’re angry.” I pretended to re-read my mother’s letter, not realizing it was upside down.

She stormed over and sat down on the sofa; I moved over to make room for her. “Help me with my necklace,” she said, tossing it onto my lap.

I hated to think what the stones in her necklace really were, but ignored them. “I’m not going out.”

“And why not?” Yvonne demanded.

“We’ve only made love twice today and once was in the toilet.”

“If you don’t eat, you’ll… stop driving me… what’s the word?”

“You know perfectly well. Stop being French or Italian, and be American.” I was on my way to the bathroom to have a shower. “We can’t go anywhere fancy,” I called.

“I know. I thought we’d go to the same Italian place, I don’t seem to get outrageously mobbed there… at least it’s controllable.”

“Good, I like that place,” I said. “I made an appointment at the beautician for tomorrow so I can’t meet you for lunch.”

“Whatever.”

FIVE

Before heading to the restaurant, we strolled beside another part of the river, except we were strolling apart. Either I was lagging behind or Yvonne’s stroll had turned into a brisk walk; she was at least five steps ahead of me.

“I like that hat,” I said, for something normal to say. I did like her hat. It was the same black velvet, turned-up-at-the-front hat.

“Good. This will be my favourite hat, then.” Yvonne stopped to peer over the wall into the river by night.

“You’re different tonight,” I said. Major understatement, I was thrown by her attitude.

Yvonne shrugged. “I’ll race… no, you are too tired for that, aren’t you? I will fix you and you will play tennis. What more do you want? Hey, you are spoiled by me and you want more.” She picked me up, her arms under my ribcage, and swung me around a couple of times. “Do you know that you are the only person to share my bed? Oui, it is true. You are the only person, besides Simone and myself, to see my apartment. So, you are very special to me. Don’t look so glum. We will eat and make love. If that is not enough, I give up.” With that said, she ran away, holding her hat on with her hand.

The small voice inside my head said, This is a very peculiar woman you are dealing with. Outside my head everything went on as normal, as if nothing had happened. The night was warm, the air filled with night noises; people in cars revving their engines or beeping their horns, talking loudly or in hushed tones to their lovers, insects calling to each other or their prey. The world didn’t care that Yvonne had just flipped another one-eighty on me.

I looked up and saw her leaning back against a tree, calmly waiting. I ignored the voice and walked over. She stayed against the tree as I kissed her and pressed my body hard against hers. “I could come just thinking about you,” I breathed into her ear and felt her bare leg with my hand.

“Close your eyes and come… right here. Now,” she said seductively, slouching a little with her legs slightly apart. She slid her right hand onto my backside and pushed inwards, grinding my pelvis against hers.

My shorts were on fire. Her left hand held the back of my head, maneuvering it where she wanted it, kissing my mouth, my face, my ear.

I came, right there, my hands on the tree either side of her, my groaning loud and the heat of the night all around us.

Yvonne pushed me away. I had to lean against the tree alone. “You are so easy,” she said.

It was so still, so hot. Yvonne fidgeted. “Aren’t you hot?” I asked.

“In which sense?”

“Both. Let’s eat. You’re weird tonight.” I walked off alone to the restaurant.

“Lyn.”

“What?” I said, turning to face her.

“You are a pain,” she said, and walked right past me.

“Why did you say that?”

Yvonne was nearly at the door of the restaurant and people would recognize her soon.

“I’m hungry,” she said, holding out her hand to me.

“No. Come here first,” I said.

Yvonne looked at me from under her hat. “I said you were special.”

I cupped my ear, pretending I couldn’t hear her. She knew I could. She went into the restaurant alone, shoving the door open with an outstretched hand.

This is like being with a caged animal, I thought. One second she’s all placid and cuddly and then, for no reason, wham, you get your head bitten off.

I waited a couple of minutes to see if she would come out to get me, but she didn’t. She was pissed off and I didn’t know why. I went in. I sat down. Yvonne studied the menu, swinging her foot around, ignoring me. I had so many choices, so many avenues to take that night, right there, that second.

“Yvonne,” I began slowly, moving right up close. It was a bench seat. “My hair is going brown, it used to be blonde. Now, I don’t really mind, it actually looks… well, it’s different. I think it’s your mother’s shampoo and conditioner, which leads me to believe that your hair isn’t natural.”

She looked at my hair. “That’s not good enough,” she said, and went back to her ridiculous pretence of studying the menu. The shampoo and conditioner I had brought with me from Australia had gone the same way as my hairbrush. Yvonne had tossed them into the wastepaper basket, declaring them a health hazard.

“Give me one back and I’ll give you ten,” I said with my arm around her shoulders.

“What do you mean?” she said, glancing at me. She still held the menu. Something was going on with her eyes.

“I mean,” I said slowly, “you are angry and I don’t know why, so you say something about the condition of my hair and I’ll tell you something very important about myself.”

Yvonne put the menu down and really looked at my hair. “I’ll tell Mama to send you some shampoo and conditioner for blondes, not auburns,” she said, running her fingers through my soft hair.

“Will it still look as good?” I asked. I liked the way it looked; it had more bounce and fullness to it, plus shine.

“I’ll ask,” Yvonne said, giving in a little. “And we’d better order. Don’t tell me anything too personal.” She nodded in the direction of the rest of the restaurant.

I leaned closer, I was practically sitting on her, and whispered, “I’ve never been in love before.” I tightened my hold on her shoulders. “And I’ve never been with a woman before, never even kissed one. And I’ve never had an orgasm with anyone before.” I let her loose and sat back.

“I told you not to tell me anything too personal.” She motioned to the closest waiter and ordered for us both. I thought how strange she was. “Look, I don’t know what you want me to do with information like that. Not here,” she frowned.

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

“I’m tired, I’m hungry and I’ll fix your hair,” she said.

“Shit! I don’t understand.”

“Later.”

SIX

I ate a meal filled with calories, spaghetti with meat sauce. Yvonne ate crumbed veal and a salad. We talked a little, mainly about the fact that Yvonne was tired and overworked because apart from her normal gigs, four really big fashion shows were coming up soon, and, if I was planning to go, I would have to be properly fitted out for them.

There would be no let up. “Don’t worry,” Yvonne said to my horrified face, “I’ll handle it. I’ll organize for you to see someone who will make it as painless as possible.”

“How high-class do I have to look?” I asked.

“Do you happen to own any clothes other than the ones I’ve seen?” She sipped her wine.

“I don’t like clothes,” I said.

Yvonne’s eyes smiled and her hand rested on my knee. “I know you don’t,” she said, “but how bad is it?”

“Pretty bad. I think I have a phobia about them. I don’t feel comfortable in them.”

“When you are wearing clothes that suit you, you will,” she promised.

“When’s the first show?”

“Next week, Friday.” She looked at my plate.

“I’m eating,” I said. Maybe I was eating slowly, but I was eating.

“You’ll have to wear a dress,” she said, “stockings, shoes, make-up, hair… I’ll organize it, don’t look so scared. I understand, I do… you’ll be fine.” She was being really kind; at least she didn’t say I was silly. “And,” she said, “I’ve organized for you to meet your new tennis partner, and, hopefully, also your date for the shows.”

“Who?”

“I didn’t think you’d want to go alone so I’ve asked a friend of mine to take you. He’s gay. His partner hates fashion shows, but Claude loves them. He’s a bit stand-offish… is that right?” I nodded. “If he likes you enough, he’ll take you and then sort of leave you. But he’ll be around to ask questions and whatever. He’s… well, he’s hard to explain. We’re having dinner with them tomorrow night. Next week is going to be worse than this week. It’s always mad before the shows. Claude’s partner is really friendly. He’s an architect and he’s volunteered to show you around Paris. Claude might join you. He’s very picky with women, most people actually. He’ll like you or not like you.”

SEVEN

Yvonne said “No” to dessert and coffee. She paid the bill and we left. “I’m tired. Do you mind?”

“No,” I said.

Once outside the restaurant, I noticed that Yvonne and I were walking slightly apart from each other. She solved my inability to reach out to her by reaching out to me. She took my hand firmly and slipped my arm around her waist.

We walked slowly away from the restaurant towards the river. No one had bothered Yvonne on our way out. It was a pretty quiet night for restaurants.

“Claude and Peter both like me,” she said, continuing our interrupted conversation. “They are two of my oldest friends. Claude’s a vet, better with animals and Peter than anyone else. Don’t take anything personally from him. He throws things at people all the time, just to see how they’ll react.”

“This is the first time you’ve really talked about any of your friends. And you mean verbal things, not actual thing things?” I said.

“Most of the time.” She laughed. “He has been known to throw actual things at people, but it’s mainly verbal. Or he’ll just ignore people. Drives them mad. They take it very personally.”

“Why don’t you talk more about your friends?”

She turned her face to me. We kissed, leaning against the wall beside the river. “You are special,” she said lovingly, holding me very tight.

“I sort of feel I am,” I said, feeling very safe and loved. “Are you avoiding my question?”

“No. Let me think. Friends!” We walked hand-in-hand to the main road to find a taxi. “I have some really good ones, but I travel so much. I’ve had the apartment for probably a year now and I’ve spent more time in it with you, than anyone, ever! I don’t really have a home. I’ve lived here and in the States. I go where the work is.”

“Sounds lonely,” I said.

“Not really. I have met so many people… names and faces that most people only dream about. I think I’ve met everyone.”

EIGHT

“You know,” she said, when we were in the taxi on our way home, “this is one of the worst times for us to be together. This is the busiest. I’ll hardly have time to breathe, let alone…”

“Yvonne, don’t. I understand. I’ll be fine. You worry about you. Was that why you were on holiday?”

“Yes. Getting rested up for the massacre.”

“What were you planning to do before… you know?” I asked.

“I was going down to Mama’s, but then I met someone,” she smiled, and squeezed my hand. “I rang her every day and told her, ‘Tomorrow. I’ll be down tomorrow’. And then I finally said, ‘I’m not coming down’.”

“Did you tell her why? And how far into the two weeks did this happen?” I asked. She was enjoying this, me wanting to know what my coming into her life meant to her, how it had changed her life, if it had.

“I can’t remember. I think it was into the second week.” I couldn’t tell if she were serious or teasing.

NINE

We sat close together on the window seat, drinking coffee. She knew I still wanted to know.

“I told her that you were here and that’s why I was staying. If you had arrived in town one day later, I would have been gone.”

“If I hadn’t gone to that party, we would never have met. What did your mother say when you told her I was a female Lyn and not a male Lyn?” I asked.

“She was pleased.”

“You told her that I was a she?”

“Yes. She thinks it’s great. Loves it.”

I shifted onto my back; Yvonne took my empty cup and placed it on the window ledge. She held me close in her arms, her face next to mine, her legs either side of me.

“This whole thing, being with you,” I said, “sometimes it’s so natural and easy, I feel like we’ve known each other all our lives, and then you mention me having to get all dressed up and I will actually see you at work, doing your professional thing. It’s scary to think about. I have never met anyone famous in my life before. To me you are the woman I love, but I still don’t feel that I know the side of you that is famous.”

“It’s hard to explain,” she said. “The best way is to just see it and for me not to really think about you. I probably won’t even look at you.”

“Is it a catwalk?” I asked.

“Yes, I’ll come out, walk around… I don’t want to know where you’ll be sitting. I’m different when I work. Later, it’ll just be you and me. Listen, if you don’t want to go, you don’t have to, and if you don’t want to get dressed up, that’s fine. Only, if you don’t dress up, you’ll be noticed more. You’ll stand out and you don’t want to stand out, believe me. Just sink in with everyone else, be invisible. It’s my job, I’m used to it. Take it slowly, try one and dress simply. If you hate it, that’s fine. I don’t want to change you. I don’t even want you waxed and you’re doing that. Lyn, listen to me, take it at your pace. I want to ease you into this, or else keep you out of it completely.”

“I was more worried about why you were so aggro tonight. I don’t know or understand that world you work in, but our world in here is very special to me and you were strange. I got nervous tonight about who you were.”

She hugged me even closer, wrapping me up in her arms and legs, kissing my face. “Don’t be. I’m tired, that’s all. If you don’t want to have dinner with Claude and...”

“No, I do. I want to meet your friends, slowly. Why won’t you talk about them?”

“Why don’t you talk about yours?”

Now it was my turn to shrug. “Mine are so far away and ever since I left work, things aren’t the same.”

“What happened, really? I know you’ve told me, but I still don’t understand it.”

“Neither do I. I got stressed out, couldn’t sleep, thought about work all the time. I lost a lot of friends. I burnt out and they didn’t understand and neither did I. It was weird and very frustrating.”

“Lyn, I haven’t forgotten what you said about you not having an orgasm before. I don’t like discussing really important personal things like that when I’m not alone and comfortable with you. That was really lousy timing.”

“I wanted to get you back with me, not angry any more. It worked, you’re not so bad now.”

Yvonne laughed. “You think that was anger? Cherie, that was nothing. I’m Italian and French and Romany. You can’t get much worse than that. I can really let loose sometimes.”

“That’s okay,” I said seriously, “as long as I know what it’s about.”

“Hell, who cares? My family and I fight all the time about everything and anything. Why or how come you haven’t had an orgasm with anyone before?”

“I don’t know,” I said, feeling stupid. “I can have them on my own, that’s no problem. I just never have with anyone.” I was looking for a lot of support here.

“You can masturbate, but up until now you haven’t been able to have an orgasm with anyone but yourself. Listen, it’s working now, be happy that you are now. Think of now, forget about the past. If you had met a woman you liked, maybe it would have been different.”

“I don’t know,” I said, not sure of anything, except where I was and how I felt about Yvonne.

“Why are you tormenting yourself with what was? Concentrate on now,” she said reassuringly.

“I’m sorry, I’m feeling like your child again. Forever needing to be coaxed along. But, you see, I’ve always had to do things on my own. I’ve never had anyone there for me because they wanted to be. Parents are supposed to be there, brothers are only interested in themselves or their girlfriends. They grew up and left. I was on my own. You know, we are so different, but somehow we are so similar. I got sick when I was twelve, that’s when I started watching movies more. I was tired and couldn’t play sport like I used to.”

“What was wrong?” Yvonne asked, shifting around under me.

“I’m not sure. I got headaches, extreme tiredness, glandular fever later on. I used to get really nervous about the most stupid things. That’s why I got so stressed out at work. I don’t eat when I’m stressed and I’ve been skinnier than this. I’m not anorexic, I just get too tired to eat and I couldn’t be bothered cooking.”

“Sounds like chronic fatigue syndrome.”

“How do you know about that?” I was amazed, absolutely gobsmacked. CFS wasn’t a common ailment back then.

Yvonne said, “My mother warned me about it…”

The penny dropped. Yvonne wasn’t as clever as I’d thought she was. Her mother was a natural therapist. Yvonne had talked to her about me and my symptoms. Together, they were able to diagnose the correct illness with its correct Australian name, over the phone.

“She told me about it a couple of years ago,” Yvonne went on. “Told me the symptoms. You’ve had it since you were twelve?”

Yvonne already knew a lot of this and I didn’t want to be having an affair, a great one, just to spoil it with health problems. But it all came out that night.

“Yes, since I was twelve. I’ve had a really weird life.”

Yvonne laughed. “Me too. God, if a child, a teenager, could have a… I’m sorry, go on.”

“No. I want to hear about your weird life. I’m amazed you aren’t weirder.”

Yvonne smiled. “I think neither of us knows who we really are. Illness or modeling, it’s not reality, but it’s all we had and we went with it. I think that’s why we connect. We both know what it’s like to have to depend on only oneself for everything. Merde, it’s late. I’m sorry… oh, stop saying that! I hate saying I’m sorry all the time. I never say that. You think I make you feel strange. You have the strangest effect on me. I don’t tell people about myself. I have to go to sleep. Are we okay to stop talking?”

“Of course. I told you, work comes first. We can talk any time. Our histories won’t go away. But if you don’t sleep, you’ll get crabby.”

“I do not get crabby!” Yvonne sat up.

“Yes, you do.”

“No, I don’t,” she said very firmly.

I laughed at her.

“Stop laughing at me or I’ll show you my famous anger and then you will be… well, I’m going to bed,” she said, storming off to the bathroom. Yep, there went the bathroom door, slam! I’d forgotten about her being hot-blooded since, up until that day, I had never seen any evidence of it.

CHAPTER 7

RICH AND STRANGE

ONE

Friday arrived. I felt really nervous about seeing the beautician. My appointment was for twelve. Yvonne had turned out okay last night. Wanting to make love and keep our perfect record overcame any crabbiness she might had had. She certainly was hot-blooded in both departments. I thought she would be really tired for dinner with Claude and Peter. Yvonne gave me the address and said she’d meet me there. So far I hadn’t needed to use the money in the drawer. I was to put everything on the bill with the beautician and she’d pay later.

I had to rush to keep my appointment at twelve. I was still so slow in the morning, getting out of bed closer to eleven than ten. Poor Yvonne had once again had to get up at some god-awful hour. She was so quiet. I never heard her have a shower, eat breakfast, walk down the stairs, leave, nothing!

TWO

Yvonne’s weird life from the age of twelve is a whole story in itself. She had certainly told me how strange it was to be a successful model from such an early age. She left home at twelve, left with strangers to go and live in America and be famous and make lots of money, without her mother or anyone she knew or trusted.

Yvonne and her sister, Lisa, their relationship was bad from the second they saw each other. Yvonne never had a good word for Lisa. She tolerated her, but more from a distance. Yvonne’s schooling was done on a one-to-one basis by tutors, or else by herself through a correspondence school. I have a very clear mental image of Yvonne’s years between twelve and seventeen. I see people coming and going in her life, telling her to work hard. I see Yvonne sitting alone in one hotel room or another, working as a model and learning the things I was learning. I thought school was okay. I had my sport and my friends. Yvonne had work and more work and then school, all by herself, with a constant stream of different tutors, managers, agents, lawyers, accountants; it was a totally foreign world, but it was all she knew. They kept saying, “Just a couple more years and you’ll be back with your family and all this will be finished.” No-one expected Yvonne’s career to last twenty years. Child models very rarely go on to become even more beautiful and even more in demand and, probably hardest, for the model to want to keep doing it. I hadn’t heard about more than a fraction of Yvonne’s life, but I’d heard enough to know it wasn’t all that much fun. Yvonne had heaps of energy and kept up with it all, but I still have the image of a very lonely girl in the dark, like myself, watching TV.

I must have been about eleven or ten, and it was probably a Saturday night. We could stay up late. We were discussing which movie to watch. Being the youngest, I was relegated to the floor. Dad had the TV guide and was reading the credits out loud. We wanted to know what the movies were about, but my mum wanted to know the names of the actors. I wanted to watch something with action, like my brothers; who cared who was in the movie! I didn’t get it at all at first. Then, slowly, I did. It was fun to see the same person in different roles. I pestered my parents about who was who in the movies we saw: “Is that the same man who was in that movie where the boat sank?”

“No. This is the actor who was in the movie where the plane crashed in the desert. The pilot, remember?”

Within two years, I was telling my parents who the actors were, and sometimes the directors. My parents filled me in on their private lives. They told me about the really old film stars, way before my time, but fresh in my parents’ memories. The more movies and TV shows I watched, the more it became my life. Movies weren’t just action any more. I began to recognize names associated with the titles: “Directed by John Ford, Alfred Hitchcock, John Huston”; “Written by Charles MacArthur, Ben Hecht, Neil Simon”; “Costumes designed by Edith Head, Adrian, Irene”; and, my favourite, “Music by John Williams, Bernard Herrman, John Barry, Franz Waxman”.

In Yvonne’s case, it would have been much easier. She was actually there, in America, meeting the people she saw on TV and in the movies. But, to my mind, she really was alone a lot, like me. Watching TV for hours when she should have been studying. Staying up late when she should have been sleeping. No-one really cared about her education; her mother was too far away; and so it was up to Yvonne to take control of her life and get herself through school.

And she did. She graduated from a French correspondence school and immediately forgot her studies to become a very successful, very much-in-demand, very high-profile model, with the same forever two-year plan. Hardly any models last more than a few years. Yvonne did. She saw thousands of them come and go, but she was still there.

Yvonne was a jetsetter. She said she was: staying in all the right places, mixing with royalty, meeting all the glamorous people in the world; living the life of the rich and famous. Yvonne’s two-year plans meant people around her only cared about her for what they could get as long as it lasted. Except Yvonne outlasted them.

No one expected it to last so long, that two years would end up being twenty. When I first met Yvonne, as far as I was concerned, she was still going strong. That’s what I saw, people looking at an extremely beautiful woman, asking for her autograph. That hadn’t happened that much. French people, or maybe just Parisians, don’t make too much of a fuss of famous people. Yvonne was much freer in France than anywhere else. She was France’s own, everyone knew her. You don’t ask someone you know for their autograph. It was tourists who did the spoiling.

THREE

I caught a taxi to Claude and Peter’s house and arrived two minutes early, feeling very nervous. From Yvonne’s description, a person I assumed to be Claude opened the door. He didn’t smile and looked ready to slam the door in my face. We just stood there, staring at each other. He was tall and lean, handsome and sophisticated, with light-brown hair and piercing dark-blue eyes. I wore my best jeans; they weren’t so bad.

“I’m Lyn,” I said with a nervous smile.

Claude, if that’s who it was, turned and rattled off some French to someone. “Come in,” he said finally, and took a step back to allow me to enter.

“Am I in the right place?” I clutched the piece of paper, with their address written on it, tightly in my hands.

“Oui, oui,” had-to-be Claude said.

I walked into a lovely home; lots of perfumed plants in the house and on the large balcony and plenty of space in the house, and also on the balcony. A shorter and slightly plumper man, who fitted Yvonne’s description of Peter, came in and smiled at me. He had curly dark hair, soft brown eyes and a comical puppy-dog face, which reminded me of Jane. He dressed much more casually than Claude. Both of them looked to be in their mid-thirties; a few years older than Yvonne and me. Peter berated Claude for keeping me outside for so long, but Claude just shrugged and went off to the kitchen. Peter poured me a glass of white wine and we sat and chatted.

I wondered at Yvonne’s odd behavior. We could have easily met up after work and come together, but instead Yvonne had chosen to let me arrive alone, with no one to make the introductions or to ease me through it. I am shy. I hate meeting new people and Yvonne knew it. Why did she throw me into the deep end alone?

We sat down to dinner without her. I don’t think I spoke much, I was too much into my nervous, shy, shut-up-and-listen mode.

“She’ll be here,” Peter said. “Those people will kill her one day, the way they work her.”

“It’s her own fault,” Claude said, pouring me another glass of wine. “If she didn’t want to do it, she could just leave.” Presto. Claude seemed to imply that Yvonne didn’t need the money. She had enough of everything. With one click of her fingers, she could just leave.

They talked and assumed I would understand, but I didn’t. I had known Yvonne for less than three weeks and they had known her for years. “What’s the Ice Princess like these days?” Claude asked me, to a “Tut, tutting” from Peter, and a shake of the head.

“Who’s that?” I asked.

Peter laughed and Claude stopped tossing the salad. They both stared at me. “She doesn’t know,” Peter said.

“Hasn’t she told you?” Claude said.

“Claude, my love, this is Yvonne! The Ice Princess never talks about herself,” Peter said as he served up crumbed chicken with jacket potatoes. Claude licked his fingers, tasting the dressing he had just poured over the salad.

“I thought she might talk to you, Lyn. You are the first person… how do you say…? Lover that we have met. She keeps her life very secret. But you…” Claude shrugged his shoulders. “I thought she would talk to you.”

Way back in the early eighties, people were reluctant to talk about their sexuality; lesbians, for example, were pretty much a non-event. I’d been told by Jane that I did work with some, but it really didn’t concern me. How I got on with people professionally and as people to talk to concerned me. I hardly went out much, so why should I be concerned if other women weren’t discussing their boyfriends left, right and centre. My last boyfriend had been more of a convenience. He asked me out, he seemed okay, I said yes. We went out to restaurants, movies, and then disaster, we went to bed. We had talked about sex; I told him I was hopeless at it. “You just haven’t been with the right guy,” I heard for the hundredth time. Maybe he was right, I thought. But I wasn’t busting to be sexual with him.

We decided to go to be done Saturday night. We had decided this on our last date, the previous Saturday; it was all planned. He had the condoms. It was hopeless. I felt practically nothing, and I really didn’t like him that much. I liked him in the sense that he was around and he put up with my moods when I had finished work and needed to let off steam. He would let me rave on for an hour or so and say absolutely nothing. That was good, a release valve, I liked that about him.

Anyway, in the middle of intercourse, he decided he didn’t like condoms and took it off. AIDS hadn’t really entered our lives by then. At six a.m., next morning, he began to grope me. Not a cuddle or an Are you awake?, but a real grope! I was barely awake.

I just lay there, pretending to be asleep, not knowing what to do. Sex hadn’t worked for me last night, so why would it suddenly work in the morning? He had absolutely no understanding for my feelings. But I could have said something, like It’s too early or Go away.

I lay there, feeling miserable. Why had I expected sex to work with someone just because we were naked and in bed and planning to do it? I was stupid, that’s why, and that morning I resolved never to sleep or have sex with anyone in any way unless I felt something major before going to bed. Even our kisses were a non-event. Without a word, I got up, went to the bathroom, dressed and left. I never saw him again.

From that day, I hadn’t had sex or even looked like having sex with anyone. For years, I was like that. In some ways it was a relief. If I met someone, great. If I didn’t… well, I would have been very upset. But I was not going to settle for second best, or third best. I hadn’t seriously thought, even considered, that I might be gay or bisexual. I assumed I was meeting the wrong men; I was a one-person woman and I hadn’t met the right person yet. Fairytales, I’d thought. Having to wait around for Prince Charming to suddenly turn up and save me.

Well, sometimes fairytales do come true, but my Prince Charming was Princess Charming, or, as Claude and Peter called her, the Ice Princess.

“What do you mean, Ice Princess?” I asked. Yvonne was really late.

Claude wasn’t telling and Peter seemed in two minds about it.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door and Yvonne appeared, apologizing for her lateness, kissing us all and sitting down to eat. She took over the conversation, took over everything, complaining that her meal was cold, even though it had been served hot. Claude leapt to his feet to heat it up, again. The Ice Princess was hot and passionate about everything that night. Nothing made sense. The woman sitting next to me wouldn’t shut up, wouldn’t stop eating and wouldn’t stop drinking. She was a maniac. Food all eaten, she excused herself and went to the bathroom.

We three remaining had coffee in the living room. Claude and Peter ate chocolates and there were cheese and biscuits on the coffee table.

“Was that the Ice Princess?” I asked, inclining my head in the direction of the bathroom.

They both laughed; they enjoyed Yvonne’s enthusiasm.

“Maybe she’s changed,” Peter said.

“Maybe she’s in love,” Claude said.

“Of course she’s in love,” Yvonne announced, marching back into the room. She kissed me wildly on the mouth as if she’d been gone forever, and settled herself on my lap. She was heavy. The fact that she had just said she loved me was not lost on me, nor that she was drunk and on a roll.

Yvonne, sitting sideways on my lap with her legs stretched out on the sofa, cruised into kissing and cuddling me, slurping coffee, and talking to Claude and Peter. She enjoyed herself, immensely.

Twenty minutes later, Yvonne suggested that maybe we should call it a night. Despite our protests that we could easily catch a taxi, Claude insisted on driving us home. When I stood up, I realized how drunk I was.

FOUR

“Tell me about your body work.” We lay in bed, Yvonne slowly coming down to earth.

“No. Tell me about the Ice Princess,” I said.

She sat up and looked at me in a very drunken way. “They talked about me.”

“Is that a question?”

“She doesn’t exist. Except out there and we’re in here. What did that beautician woman do to you?” Tenting the bedclothes and prying underneath, Yvonne checked out my body to see what had changed.

“Nothing major,” I said. “Why don’t we concentrate on keeping our perfect record and talk tomorrow.”

“Good idea,” she slurred, and curled up on me again.

We made love, drunkenly, painfully; Yvonne kept forgetting I was too skinny for her body. I lay on top of her. She didn’t like that; she was on a roll, she wanted to be more in control. She knelt on the bed and, with her right arm under my hips, dragged me face down over her bent legs, so my lower half rested on her thighs. She parted my legs and felt me up while squeezing my left breast and nipple with her left hand coming from underneath and her fingers going deep inside me, moving in and out. I felt comfortable lying across her thighs, hot and sleepy, with fingers and hands moving around me and in me. We stayed like that, quietly, for a long time, a prolonged build-up, with me not knowing what Yvonne was thinking or doing. I could only feel it and revel in it. She had my legs open to her and slid her wet fingers out now and again to feel around my clitoris. This was the first time she’d done this ─ fucked me with her fingers while I lay face down across her legs. My mind was full of the day and the whole evening ─ the Ice Princess, meeting Claude and Peter, next week approaching fast and the fashion shows.

In one quick movement, Yvonne scooped me up and shifted me up the bed. Easing her legs out from under me, she stretched out on the bed and, with her head between my legs, began to suck me while rubbing my clitoris with her slippery right hand coming at me from underneath. I climaxed quite quickly. This was more intense, more of the Yvonne I was used to.

When I finished, we lay quietly together and kissed. I felt her up and ground my breasts against hers. We rolled around the bed together, over and over, this way and that, our bodies entwined, our arms and legs clutching whatever we could of each other. I slithered down her body and concentrated my mouth on her breasts and my fingers between her legs. She lay on her back, my palm rubbing her clitoris, her legs open and bent, groaning, moving under me. She climaxed long and quietly, her head back. I couldn’t see her face.

CHAPTER 8

THE WAY WE WERE

ONE

Yvonne ate me the next morning. She took off my underpants and licked me, sucked me. What her tongue couldn’t find, her fingers did and then she licked them. She grinned like a kid eating an ice-cream, while I lay still, exhausted. She kissed me with the melted pessary all over her mouth and on her tongue. It tasted sweet and sort of mixed up with my taste and all those other flavors.

I rolled onto my stomach to sleep some more. Yvonne ran her hands between my buttocks. She kissed my backside, my back, my shoulders. She lay on me, stretched out, squishing her breasts and nipples into my bare back.

“I’m tired, it’s early,” I groaned. Her hand was under me, feeling my breasts, her mouth open on the back of my neck, which she knew I loved; it was one of my strange erogenous zones.

“Just a quickie and we can sleep. I’m really horny,” she breathed into my neck, sending shivers down my spine.

“Don’t! I’m tired,” I complained.

“You’re nearly there, it won’t take long, then you can sleep. I promise.” Her body followed mine around the bed as I tried to squirm away from the sensations.

“I need your Mama’s vitamins, I can’t wake up,” I said sleepily, and yawned.

“You sleep, we’ve got all day. I’ll go to the gym.”

“No, no,” I said quickly, grabbing an arm and pulling her back to me. “I don’t want you to leave. I can sleep all next week.” I turned onto my back and she lay down beside me. “I want to hear about the Ice Princess.”

“I want to hear about the beautician,” she said as she planted kisses all over my face.

“Just a consultation, a facial, and to let my hair grow so she can rip it off me. Tell me about the Ice Princess,” I repeated.

“Let’s make love, you sleep, I’ll do some work. Then we can have coffee and talk.”

“You drink too much coffee.”

“No, I don’t. I have one cup in the morning and one in the evening. Don’t be my mother. I’m still horny,” she said, wriggling in underneath me.

“What work will you do?” I asked. Yvonne’s mouth landed on my breast and her hands around my backside as she ground herself against me.

“Paperwork,” she said quickly, and returned her mouth to my breast.

We made love, with Yvonne doing most of the work. Then I slept and woke up to a very full bladder, courtesy of last night’s alcohol.

Yvonne sat, partially dressed, at her desk, doing paperwork. The weather had eased a bit. It was still hot, but not energy-zapping. I had a quick shower, brushed my teeth and went downstairs to make us coffee and rustle up some breakfast. I wore only a small sleeveless top and a pair of underpants, definitely not the right apparel considering the state of my hairy body, but it was too hot for anything else. Thank God Yvonne didn’t mind. I did, I hated it.

“Yvonne,” I said from the stairs. “I can’t work the kitchen.”

Yvonne took off her glasses, tidied her desk and stood up, showing that wonderful, naked, flawless body beneath her open shirt. She smiled at my open admiration.

We walked downstairs.

“Where’s Simone?” I asked.

“Visiting her family, I think.”

Yvonne showed me how to make coffee and where basic items were in the kitchen. I had only been in the kitchen a few times; Simone had always shooed me away or Yvonne had brought the meals up. The stove was different. Making coffee was not a simple matter of boiling water in a kettle, shoving one or two teaspoons of instant coffee in a cup, adding milk and there you are. This coffee was done by a machine, a very complicated machine that turned out wonderful cappuccino or espresso or whatever you wanted. Nothing was like home. I was inept at everything, except the one thing I thought I would never be good at. Making love. I excelled in that department.

Yvonne had made me so hot that I didn’t have time to worry about anything, except that I always wanted more, and the safe sex angle. I’d always sworn to myself that I would have my partner checked out before we did anything major. I had broken all my safe sex rules.

TWO

We sat on the window seat again, drinking coffee again. Yvonne had her legs bent up and wide open.

“Aren’t you used to this yet?” she said.

“No, this is so strange. I love looking at you naked. I find it wonderful that this doesn’t turn me off. I’m like a guy perving at a woman’s nakedness, and I mean naked. I can see everything and I love it. I always thought they looked like a couple of wrinkled prunes or dried apricots.”

“What do?” she asked, looking down at herself.

“Your labia. This,” I said, touching the folds of skin outside her vagina. I traced them both with my finger.

“I know what my labia are. They don’t look like what you said. Why are you wearing clothes? For two weeks, we didn’t and now you’re all shy on me.”

“You are,” I said, still perving at her openness and her small amount of black pubic hair. I ran my hand over it, down further to her clitoris.

We leant forward and kissed, holding our coffee mugs in our free hands, trying not to spill them, laughing, backing away.

“Everything about you is so pervable,” I said, wanting to invent a word she hadn’t heard before. I put my mug down on the window ledge and moved closer. “I just want a quick feel,” I said, bending my head to her wonderful breasts.

“That’s fine,” she said, “as long as I can do the same.”

I screamed and laughed when Yvonne grabbed me and threw me onto my back and whipped my clothes off. We made love on the window seat, which was hard to do. It only had room for two on their sides or two bodies lying flat, one on top of the other.

THREE

“Why were you wearing clothes?” Yvonne repeated. Our coffees were cold, our bodies warm, lying face to face on our sides, my head resting on her arm.

“I’m in a transitional phase,” I said. “You can’t expect me to wear clothes for over thirty years and be hopeless at sex, and then suddenly change.” I stared into her wonderful eyes. I was practically purring. “You said last night that… well, you told them you loved me…”

Yvonne silenced me and my words by kissing me.

“Tell me about the Ice Princess.” I couldn’t leave it alone.

Yvonne easily disengaged herself from me, saying, “She needs coffee. And don’t be my mother. I only had half a cup. Do you want one?”

“Mmm, yes, please. Do you love me?” I asked, to be quickly followed by, “Shit, I didn’t mean that.”

“Yes, you did,” she said confidently, with no sign of malice. “Don’t apologize. I’m not sure about love.”

“Why?” I asked.

She sat down beside me. “Love is very confusing. You think you have it and then it changes on you. I feel certain about us sometimes, but other times… my life is very simple, but complicated. I don’t want to say too much now. If I could believe that we’ll never change, I would say it, but I can’t. I love you now, the way you are now, but things always change. People can be so different to what you first think.”

I nodded in agreement. “Don’t I know it,” I said. “I’ve had people change on me who I would have sworn wouldn’t. I still feel horrible about the amount of time and trust I invested in some people, only to have them turn out to be so different. I don’t think I’ll do that to you.”

“Maybe not, but we are different.” She stood up and went downstairs.

I didn’t understand what she meant. I loved her, I knew that. And I loved who I was with her. How free I could be.

“What are you thinking?” Yvonne passed me my coffee.

“Thanks,” I said, sitting up. “I was thinking how much I know about you.”

“Like what?” she asked.

“The first boy you kissed, Jean, and the first girl, Sophie, and your first dog, Ben.”

“Sophie kissed me, I didn’t kiss her. And I know the first boy you kissed.”

I laughed. “He was my Sophie.”

Apparently, from what Yvonne had told me, Sophie threw her to the ground at the tender age of nine and kissed her mercilessly. I grabbed my first boyfriend and threw him to the ground when I was about ten. Tom Rogers, I only kissed him once, and never again, but we were boyfriend and girlfriend from then on. I didn’t even like boys then. But Tom was so sweet.

“No,” Yvonne said. “You were his Sophie. Who kissed you first?”

“I can’t remember. Honestly. Tell me about the Ice Princess.” Yvonne didn’t believe me.

“What else did I tell you? I don’t remember telling you that,” she said, eyeing me suspiciously.

“Well, you did,” I said, sipping my delicious coffee; Yvonne’s coffee was much better than mine. “You told me a lot of things,” I added.

“Did I tell you about the first day after our two weeks?”

“How you rang Simone up a hundred times to check on me?”

Yvonne shook her head. “No. How I came home… started to come home. I was so excited about you being here. I actually got off a lot earlier, but when I was halfway home, I suddenly got really anxious and I asked the taxi driver to stop. I got out and walked around. I didn’t know you and yet we were lovers. I thought I should buy you something, but what? I didn’t know what you would like. I went crazy. All those parcels I brought home, remember?”

I nodded. Her face was so serious, her eyes troubled, again.

She smiled. “I bought some stupid things. I’ve had relationships with a couple of women.”

She had already told me about them. She’d forgotten, again, how much I knew about her and how much she was allowing me into her life, consciously or subconsciously. The relationships she’d had were very brief ones. Two, to be exact. One when Yvonne was sixteen, the other girl nineteen, both Yvonne and the girl models. Yvonne liked her a lot, but she was very vain and ambitious, not gentle and caring. They were very discreet and the girl wouldn’t talk to Yvonne in public; it was all very clandestine. Yvonne enjoyed it, mainly the affection, but not the two-faced attitude of the girl, treating Yvonne as if she were worse than nothing. She went overboard keeping their relationship a secret. Yvonne was twenty when the next one happened. The other woman was a photographer, older, maybe twenty-five; very passionate, very sexual, very brief. The woman was a lesbian, still is. Nobody knew.

Yvonne and I could have done anything back then. We weren't keeping our relationship in any particular state, closed or open. I think I was leaving it up to Yvonne to decide. She had the career, she was famous. She had everything, I had nothing. I could have easily had an open affair with her and then gone home, but how would that affect her life?

The early nineties were a time of real change. Homosexuals, bisexuals and every other type of sexual preference were being discussed and accepted much more than they ever had been before. AIDS had forced everyone to look at sex honestly for the first time, to face every issue, every person, every different sexual orientation right on. I thought it was terrific. I remarked to a friend once, “When we buy a computer, we get a manual to go with it. When we buy a car, we get an instruction booklet on how to work every little button and gismo in sight. But when we look at ourselves and wonder how to work us, there are no instruction booklets. The most important thing we have is ourself and we don’t come with instructions; it’s crazy. If I had grown up knowing about homosexuality and bisexuality as options, instead of something to be feared, maybe I would have known who I was much earlier in life. Why are people so scared of knowledge?”

FOUR

“I didn’t know if I should buy you flowers or chocolates. My role was reversed. I wasn’t used to having someone important and special to come home to, and if you’d been a guy, I would have felt the same way… sort of.” Yvonne sat forward, her face animated. “You just walked into my life and you are still here. I wasn’t looking for anything like this and I didn’t know what to do.”

“Did you want me to leave?”

“No. God, no. I wanted you to stay really badly, but I was so tired and confused.” She paused, sat back a little. “I bought you drawer liners. Why did I do that?”

“Drawer liners?” I was severely puzzled.

“Yes,” she laughed. “I never use them. I think I just wanted to make a good impression. And what else? I bought some linen table napkins. Stupid stuff. Things that I could say I had bought for myself if you didn’t like them. I was covering for myself. I could have come home and you might have left that day or the next. I panicked and raced home.”

“And now?” I asked.

“Now? I’m not so confused, but I am being realistic.”

“About what?”

“Relationships. Some work, most don’t. The odds of us making it even into next week are very low. That’s not how I feel, but it is what is real.”

“What else did you buy?”

“I don’t know. Simone must have picked them up. I bought you some more things the next day, but…” She stopped talking and leant back, further away from me. “I don’t know if you want me to buy you things. It’s one of the problems of our relationship. The differences between us. That thing we aren’t allowed to discuss.”

“Which reminds me. I need some clothes and I don’t like shopping and I…”

“Lyn, we’ll go shopping. I’m starving. Let’s have some food and we’ll go out!” She sat forward, in readiness.

“Not so fast, you. I don’t need much, so don’t shower me with clothes. I’m serious, Yvonne. Take it slowly.”

“Do you want clothes or don’t you?”

“Yes, but… can we do it painlessly?” I asked hopefully.

“Yes, we can. The best way is not to look at the price tags. Leave that to me. We won’t get much. We’ll have to do it today. I won’t have time next week.”

“That’s fine. I’m not really sure what I need.”

“A new pair of jeans,” she threw in, very quickly. “If you wear jeans, wear good ones. And maybe a jacket, and a shirt. What else?”

“I don’t know. What did you buy me?”

She groaned. “I was temporarily insane at the time. What do you buy someone who needs, and probably wants, everything?”

“Everything!” I said, very impatient now. All these wonderful presents for me somewhere and I wasn’t getting them. “Where are they?”

She laughed, hiding her face in her hands. “They’re stupid presents, absolutely stupid.”

FIVE

We made breakfast.

“They weren’t just for you, I needed something to do. Simone probably has the drawer liners.”

We both laughed at Yvonne buying drawer liners.

“What else?” I asked. We had dressed in case Simone came in; the kitchen definitely was her domain; we cut up fresh fruit into bowls.

“Two apples, one red, one green, both huge. Don’t, Lyn. I was thinking about what you needed. A pink camisole…”

“I don’t even know what that is,” I said.

“An umbrella, a hat, which won’t suit you. A pair of gloves. I remembered your beautiful, beautiful hands and I wanted to keep them that way. She kissed my hands, which were covered in pear juice. “You have great hands.”

“What sort of gloves?”

“Leather gloves. What else?” she said, thinking. Then she really laughed. “Now, this is insane… a drawing pad and a huge box of color pencils.” Tears ran down her face, she laughed so much. “You might have been an artist. Do you draw?”

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “That’s what you’d buy a child!”

“Not necessarily,” she said, washing her hands. “If you were an artist, they might have been useful. I was thinking of needy presents!”

“What else?”

“I don’t know, I’ll ask Simone. She put them somewhere. Oh, a crossword puzzle book and a pack of cards, to keep you occupied while I worked. Some novels, books I don’t have, which is rare. And a scarf. Stupid, huh? Middle of summer and I buy you a scarf.”

“I think it’s wonderful; it shows who you are.” I had started in on the fruit by then. “Apples to feed me. Clothes, even if they are winter clothes. Things to keep me occupied, especially the books. By the way, we like the same authors.”

Yvonne wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. “Forget the presents, that was only one day, after a sleepless night, so I can’t be held responsible for that. I’ve made some terrible selections in my life and I’m scared I’ve made another with you.”

“Why did you come over at the party?” I asked.

“You did,” she said, laughing again.

“Not the kiss, the first bit.”

“If you’ll admit that you kissed me.”

“No way. You definitely kissed me. Why did you come over?”

Yvonne swallowed before answering. “I saw a really happy person who suddenly went sad. I wanted to make you smile again. I felt a need to protect you and look after you. I still do.”

I had a peculiar feeling in my stomach; major butterflies mixed with general stomach-churning. “No one’s ever wanted to look after me before,” I said. I was nearly crying, I was so touched.

“Times change and, as I said, I’m not so normal. The life I lead isn’t anything you are used to. My feelings for you are probably unique, same as yours for me.”

“Why do I feel that you only say half of what you really mean?”

“Be thankful for the half you get. One day you might regret the whole thing.”

“Are you feeling sorry for yourself?” I asked. Yvonne’s laugh had vanished.

“Time to tell you about the Ice Princess,” she said.

We ate in the dark, quiet kitchen. The only natural light came from a very small window with a curtain across it. Yvonne certainly liked her privacy.

“A reporter gave me that name a long time ago. I’d done a really rotten interview. I was about eighteen, I think. It was before my marriage. I’d never been good at interviews, they always wanted to know more. No matter how much I told them, it was never enough. Any time I went out with anyone, it was news. They followed me everywhere. Being grown-up and a model since twelve, I was pretty popular. I was seeing a guy.” She laughed, a sarcastic laugh. “I was living with him. I thought we were in love. This was in New York. Why am I telling you this? So, I was living with him, sleeping in his bed. It was my first live-in relationship. He was away a lot. I was so stupid. We hardly had sex, but I made excuses for it. One day his girlfriend turned up. Seems like I was a good cover for them both. They didn’t want anyone to know about their relationship and he could get famous by being seen with me and us living together. They never told me what was happening. How can people be so cruel? Anyway, I moved out, came home here, gave a rotten interview. I told my then agent or manager, someone… all I said was, ‘I’m never giving another interview again.’ And that was it. Big news. ‘Yvonne Shuman, the Ice Princess, never to talk again.’ Everyone took it so seriously. Since then I have never given an interview and I won’t sign autographs and I’m cold. Also, I hardly ever smile, it’s my trademark. It’s not so bad. People leave me alone, the paparazzi take my picture, but no-one ever asks me anything and I’m not expected to smile for them. I’ve used it to my advantage. They still write about me occasionally, but it’s really rare. God, it’s been so long since anything interesting has been written about me, it’s as if no-one really cares what I do or who I’m with. Really, it’s the best. I always hated interviews and in one second that all stopped. I’ve had peace ever since.”

“What about when you go out with people?” I asked.

“I go out to so many things with so many people. They just snap my picture because I look good or he looks good, or the outfit I’m wearing looks good, which is usually the case. No-one cares what I do. I work hard, I’m always on time. I never let my personal life interfere with my work. I’m really boring to the press. You can only write about someone that the public are interested in, and they have never been interested in me. Lyn, I don’t mind. I much prefer it this way. I’ve seen other people go through the alternative and that’s crazy. I had a taste of it before the Ice Princess label and it was terrible. Every guy I went out with was scrutinized, even if he was gay. Ask Peter and Claude, they remember those times. They wouldn’t go out with me, it was so bad.”

Yvonne let out a small laugh, accompanied by a shake of the head. “Did I tell you about Tanya?” I nodded. “When we were together, because she was a photographer and a woman, nothing. Not that we did much in public. But we would hug, and nothing. I thought it was great, so did she. She wasn’t out then, no-one was, not women. We could go anywhere together, except where we wanted to go. There was a… what was it? An event of some kind. I wanted to take Tanya, but she said no, said it would look odd. I took a male friend instead. Those were the days when I was advised to be escorted. God, the advice people gave me. So, that’s the Ice Princess,” she said, staring across the table at me.

“Sounds a bit weird,” I said.

“I bet Garbo never meant her ‘I want to be alone’ as seriously as me.” Yvonne stood up, ready to clear up and leave.

“Hang on a second.” I was puzzled. “You went out with Tanya when you were twenty, but the Ice Princess thing started when you were eighteen?”

“Well, imagine if it had been the other way around.” Yvonne cleared while I thought.

“It wouldn’t have worked,” I concluded.

“It would have worked. But we would have either been found out, which is exactly what Tanya didn’t want, or else we would have had to be a thousand times more secretive about it all. No hugs in public, nothing in public. In fact, we probably wouldn’t have gone out at all, and we would have had to sneak in and out of each other’s places. Sounds awful. No, you’re right, it probably wouldn’t have worked.”

We tossed the scraps, wiped down the laminated bench tops, washed and dried the dishes, knives and spoons, and left the kitchen exactly as we had found it, minus the fruit.

SIX

Walking upstairs together, with my arm around Yvonne, I said, “Simone’s a great housekeeper.”

“She was Louis’s,” Yvonne said, “I stole her from him. It was her choice. I asked her if she wanted to come with me and she said yes. She never really liked Louis anyway. She had just started to work for him when we got married.”

We got ready to go out.

“I hardly ever see her,” I said, zipping up my jeans. “She does things while I’m in the bathroom, and I never see her, but the place is always clean and tidy. She must wait until she hears the shower go on, or the sound of something, and then flies up here and does her thing, then vanishes again.”

Yvonne smiled. “Simone doesn’t fly, she just times it well. This place isn’t much to look after and I’m away a lot, so she doesn’t have me to deal with all the time, just the apartment. Most of the time, it’s a part-time job. Better than with Louis, that was full-on, all the time. Working for me here, she can take time off to see her family.”

“Where are they?” I asked.

“In Paris. She’s not married. Doesn’t look like she ever will, either. She stays with them, on and off.”

“Today being on,” I said.

“Mmm,” Yvonne murmured.

The first time I saw Simone, she had seemed quite severe, with her tight black bun on top of her head. But she had a very friendly face, often smiling even when pushing me away from something, indicating she would attend to it, not me. Except her kitchen. Simone didn’t smile when she shooed me out of there.

I watched Yvonne apply her make-up.

“What about Louis?” I asked.

Yvonne was concentrating on her right eye. “What about him?” she asked.

“How long were you were married…?” I had to think.

“Eleven years,” Yvonne said for me.

“That’s right. And you said he had affairs?”

“Tons of them. Lyn, he and I got married for our families, not us,” she said. “It was a stupid wedding and a stupid marriage,” she said, applying mascara to her left eye.

“Why stupid?”

She was becoming irritated with my questions. Anything about Louis annoyed her. But I found it all so interesting. “I’ll tell you a bad Louis story,” she said, still working on her face.

I smiled at her reference to “a bad Louis story”. Straight from the movie Same Time, Next Year. I hummed the theme song, “The Last Time I Felt Like This”; the words, Hello, I don’t even know your name, swam through my head.

“I never let guys fuck me from behind, never,” she began. “I told Louis that. We had sex before our wedding and he never did. I like being in control when I have sex.”

“But you let me,” I said, feeling slightly afraid.

“You’re different. Guys are different. I remember when you first did and I wasn’t bothered by it. When guys do it, I hate it.” She talked quickly, wanting to get it over with. “Our wedding night.” She stopped with the make-up and turned to face me. She was verging on pure anger. “We went upstairs to our bedroom. No honeymoon, we weren’t in love. He pushed me onto the bed really roughly and threw my wedding dress up around my shoulders. I was trapped in all this bloody material. He ripped my underpants off. Then he raped me from behind.” She just sat there, looking right at me.

I didn’t know what to say. I choked.

“He left me and slept somewhere else. I couldn’t understand why. Up until then, we had been friends, sort of lovers. But suddenly he rapes me. Not violently. I wanted to have sex. But not like that. I told him, ‘Never from behind.’ He hit me, slapped me across the face. I was fighting him so hard. He tried it again another time, but I was ready for him. I hit him with a chunky, silver candlestick across his knee, nearly broke it, the knee. I’d told him I would if he ever tried to rape me or hit me again.”

“Did he?” I asked, my voice soft. I wanted her to say It’s a joke. It never happened. I wanted her to say that.

“He hit me again, but never raped me. I hit him. We had the most outrageous fights. He’s such a boring man and yet he has women flocking after him. He and I never agreed to be faithful or any of that crap.”

I was angry.

“I was young,” she said in a level voice. “I thought it would be good to be married. Louis and I were friends, he wouldn’t interfere with my life, which he never has, and it … it was what everyone wanted for years. You don’t understand the way I was brought up. Louis is close to my family ─was close. It’s upper-class bourgeois nonsense. I knew it then, but I went along. I wanted a home, some permanent place to live, even while I travelled. I had that, the home and all the trappings. Unfortunately, I had to share it with Louis. I spent two and a half years getting that home just perfect; it’s a showpiece. I brought back paintings, bathroom fittings, doorknobs, stuff from all over the world.”

“What house?” I asked.

“Louis’s and my house, of course,” she said.

“Yvonne, I don’t know any of this. I never even knew you were married, remember? You never said anything and you don’t wear rings.”

“It’s over. I moved out nearly a year ago. I live here now and I’m happy.”

“But you said you’re hardly ever here.” She was messing with my brain.

“I was never there, either. The house was a house, not a home. It was too perfect, everything matched. I worked like a dog to get that house exactly right and it is.”

“Why did you leave?” I asked.

“Easier. I would never get Louis out of there. He won’t move now.”

“Did you ask him?”

“No, I just left. I don’t want the house, it’s huge. I hate it. I miss some of the things I bought. A vase from Venice, a…” She laughed. “I really miss those doorknobs. But what would I do with seventy-three doorknobs?”

“I don’t know. It’s so unfair, you did all the work,” I said.

“Oh, yes, I did all the work. Louis wouldn’t care where he lives as long as it’s grand and ostentatious.”

“Does he have money?”

“He’s loaded, the divorce is no problem. He has his money and I have mine.”

“But the house!”

“I don’t want it. It’s worth it to just get out. I hated coming home to France and especially to Paris, because I would have to go to that house and maybe see Louis and his latest girlfriend. I felt so strange. That was my home, and my husband was living in it with a different woman each time. I had my part of the house and he had his, but I don’t want half a house. One day I got fed up with seeing yet another screaming nymphette running through the house, cringing every time I heard something break. I packed a few things and bought this place. It’s been wonderful. It’s small, but it’s all mine and I can be alone in it. No rows. We nearly killed each other. We’re both the same, hot-blooded, too much want our own way. He would never leave so I did.” She stood up. “Anyway, it’s late and I’m sick of Louis.”

“I can’t connect with what you just told me. It sounded like it was happening to someone else, like you were telling me about someone you know. I should be feeling what you’re feeling, and I can’t.”

“How do you know what I’m feeling?” she asked. “Lyn, it happened a long time ago. It’s over. You don’t feel what I feel because I don’t feel it any more. I’ve dealt with Louis in my way and I’m happy.” She sat down beside me and gently put her arm around my shoulders.

“I should be comforting you, but part of me hates that other life of yours,” I said with my head on her shoulder. Yvonne hugged me, kissing the top of my head ─ getting lipstick in my hair. “And I don’t want to go shopping. I hate clothes,” I yelled at her.

“Well, we are going out, and the reason I didn’t buy you clothes was because I didn’t know how you would react and I got scared. We are going to buy you some clothes that you like, and, listen to me, I will come with you when you get your dress for the first show. I was going to say don’t come, but now I think you should. If you are going to reject me because of my job, you should see what I do first. Face it and then decide,” she yelled back, standing up.

“I’m sorry, I’m spoiling everything. This is scary stuff. I’m not used to this. Give me some time. Let’s go shopping.” I reached down and picked up my shoulder bag.

“Anything else before we go?” Yvonne said. “I wouldn’t want us to be in a shop or walking down the street to find out what else you hate.”

“I think I’ve covered everything,” I said, meek and mild.

“You sure?”

“No. But if I think of something, I’ll write it down and wait till we’re home and personal.”

“Come here,” she said. “Will you please come here, and aren’t you dying in those jeans?”

“No, you come here!” I said, not moving a centimeter, and, yes, I was dying in my jeans.

Yvonne walked over to me, lifted her dress and straddled me. “I have never come to anyone in my life before,” she said, grinning from embarrassment and happy that our emotional stuff was over.

I hugged her, kissed her warm chest. “I love you,” I said, happy to be close again.

“I need you and I want you,” she said, but didn’t go on.

“That’s enough,” I said. “I can wait for the third.”

She held me tightly, her legs bent up either side of me, crushing me. She kissed the top of my head again. Brown hair doesn’t show lipstick as much as blonde, I told myself.

CHAPTER 9

ROSALIE GOES SHOPPING

ONE

We went shopping. Yvonne was calm, cool and collected. No-one would ever have guessed that she had never been in a clothes shop like this one before: large, impersonal, no appointment necessary, just wander in and buy clothes straight off the rack, with shop assistants who do not rush up to customers and who do not work on a commission basis so they don’t care if you buy anything or not.

Yvonne was raised in the country. Her mother bought her clothes and, like me, she remembered what it was like not to be interested in clothes. Also, like me, she grew up a tomboy, but much rougher. She used to actually get into physical fights with both girls and boys. I never did, except with my middle brother, Jeff, and they were only pretend, like the wrestling we watched on TV.

My brothers and I were told from a very early age that boys do not hit girls. This was great for me. I could hit Jeff as much as I wanted, but no matter how furious he became, fists clenched, ready to bop me one, I knew he could not and would not ever hit me. He got me in other ways: sneaking up on me with creepy crawlies dangling from his fingers, tickling me beyond endurance, jumping out from dark places and scaring me to death. Simply annoying the hell out of me by being himself.

I avoided my other brother, much older than me. He was too mean, too strong. He didn’t know how to play without Jeff or myself ending up hurt or in tears.

But I was definitely a tomboy. I liked dresses when I was very little. I had a favourite yellow dress, wore it everywhere, but something changed. I think I was a girl, then a boy, then a girl again. I was always a girl, never wanted to be a boy. I wanted to be both, but stay a girl. Boy games were too rough.

When I was about seven, I was playing in the back garden on our gym set. I climbed very high up and, with a sudden flash, realized I could hurt myself. Boys played totally without fear of pain or injury. I climbed down very slowly, knowing then that I could never go back to that fearless state any more.

TWO

With me ensconcedin the change room, Yvonne went back and forth, bringing me clothes to try on. We had browsed a bit and discussed the basics I needed. These weren’t fashion-show clothes, these were everyday me clothes. I didn’t look at the price tags. We selected two pairs of jeans, another pair of shorts, a lightweight, summery jacket, two shirts, a pair of ankle-high boots, which I immediately fell in love with, and six pairs of much-needed underpants. Yvonne didn’t press me about skirts or dresses. It was painless, quick and I loved it. Yvonne knew clothes. She knew my size, knew what would suit me and what I was ready for. We caught a taxi home, had lunch and slept.

THREE

The next day, Yvonne got her periods. Mine were due in four days or more, but never less.

“Why didn’t you tell me this is why you wanted to rest?” I asked. We lay in bed and Yvonne wore underpants. Total reversal. Instead of shirt, undone, and no underpants, it was underpants and no shirt. It was still hot, but raining now, as well. The rain flowed down wonderfully. We watched it stream down the funny green windows, the noise terrific. I love rain. It sounds great, smells great and makes you feel great, unless you have to go outside in it.

“Can you predict the weather, as well?” I followed up when all I got was a shrug.

“I like Sundays in bed,” Yvonne said in a very relaxed, subdued voice. “I haven’t had a proper Sunday for so long,” she continued. “My sex life was just that ─ sex. I never stayed over with anyone. Not for years have I mixed sex and love.”

Yvonne had served us breakfast in bed. I loved having her all to myself for a whole day again.

“When was the last time you mixed sex and love?” I asked, mainly interested in the sex side, but taking it slowly.

She rolled onto her back after a while and stretched loudly, groaning. She smiled and turned to look at me.

“Stop seducing me and answer me,” I said, already halfway seduced. Seeing Yvonne naked and stretching her gorgeous body was incredibly hard to resist.

“I thought I loved Louis, sort of. I talked myself into it. We had some lazy mornings together in bed, and there have been a couple since, but it always changed. They were busy, I was busy. No-one meant anything to me. I was playing the lover role, but I never felt it. I stopped playing, going along as you say, a long time ago. Sex became sex. No love, just sex.”

“How many?” I asked nervously. Yvonne knew my pathetic sexual history. A few one-night stands. Actually, about twenty in all. That’s all they were. In ten years, I had probably had sex about twenty times. Some one-night stands were with guys I was going out with and because it seemed like the thing to do. After a few drinks, I’d say, “Let’s go to bed.” We did, and nothing. A total fizzer. I felt nothing except annoyance, and why wasn’t my body working? I thought if I went to bed with the guy, something magical would happen; the right buttons would be pressed, the body would be put in motion on its own accord without my mind getting in the way. Sometimes it nearly did happen. I did feel a flicker of something sometimes.

One night with a friend didn’t work. We thought it might. We were such good friends. He wanted me badly and it should have been wonderful. I never knew he wanted me sexually. We’d known each other for years and then one day he was all nervous and coy. I asked him what was wrong and was bowled over when he said he’d always liked me sexually. He visited me after that, stayed at my place. We slept together, but no sex, no talking about it. It didn’t work, so we went back to what we’d had before. It was fine. I haven’t seen him in years.

I did have, I suppose, about four long-lasting relationships. Relationships which meant we saw each other when we could. We would go out, act, sort of, like boyfriend-girlfriend and then it would end.

My first boyfriend, Damian, and I should have just been mates. We got on really well. I was seventeen and he was eighteen. He was my first. We had sex about five times; I didn’t feel a thing

Yvonne laughed when I told her how I lost my virginity, because I’m not sure when it actually happened. Technically speaking, I lost my virginity to tampons. They were so hard to get in the beginning. After sex, it was much easier. I think that’s why I hated wearing skirts and dresses. Getting my periods was fine, but having to wear tampons and pads, I felt like everyone could see. I liked the comfort of wearing tight jeans, to keep everything in place.

Damien and I had been going out for about four months. We both wanted to have sex so I rationally and logically went on the Pill. We had to wait a month till we could do it. Damien counted the days. We did everything else a couple could do. This was way before AIDS, before sexually transmitted diseases were talked about. Sex in those days meant getting pregnant, that was our only fear. Damien and I had oral sex, we kissed, we fondled each other, he got erections and jerked off and sometimes I felt something. One night, he was kissing my breasts and nipples at the drive-in, while I tried to watch the movie. “Why are you doing that? I don’t feel anything,” I said.

He looked up. “You’re supposed to.”

“Well, I’m not,” I said. He tried again, all sorts of ways, to get my nipples and breasts to feel the way they were supposed to feel, but nothing. He went down to what was then my only source of sexual excitement. “More pressure,” I told him. “Stop slipping off. Here, like this.” I showed him how to rub my clitoris. He never got it right, never kept the pressure up. I think he got bored. I know I did.

Then came the night we could actually do it. We were in the back seat of his car. He pushed his cock in a little bit. It was too painful so I told him to get out and he did. We tried again a few nights later, but the same thing, too painful, get out. Poor guy, he never complained, didn’t even jerk off. I think he was more concerned about me.

So, did I lose it then? Or the next time, when, in the back of his panel van, in darkness, amidst cans of paint, rope, glue, tools, for his trade as a carpet layer, and me on my back (I’d never heard of anything but the missionary position back then), Damien, after a few painful pushes, suddenly stopped and lay still.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“I’m in,” he said.

“What do you mean, you’re in?”

“It’s all the way in.”

“It can’t be.”

“It is.”

I put my hand down and felt around for his cock, but I couldn’t find it. It had vanished. I couldn’t believe that huge thing was inside me. I cried. Really cried. As far as I am concerned, that’s when I lost my virginity.

FOUR

“There have been a couple,” Yvonne said evasively. She looked at me with those eyes, seducing me.

“Yvonne, you were married for eleven years. Probably still are. You said you and Louis had affairs, so how many guys?”

“Some, a few. Lyn, it was just sex. I work hard, I haven’t got time for much else. I have never really been in love. I thought I was. I thought a lot of things, but I changed.”

“When?” I asked.

“A few years ago I decided to stop drifting. I knew my modeling days were definitely numbered. I was down to my last two-year plan. I aim to get out with a lot of money and maybe start my own modeling agency. I know the whole business, the model’s side, and now I’m learning the other side. I practically manage myself. My agent lives in Monte Carlo, for tax reasons. I hardly ever see him. I fax him the contracts, he looks them over and gives me advice, but basically I’m my own manager and agent now. If I can do it for myself, why not manage other people? I think I would like it. I have never enjoyed being managed or advised. After all these years, I finally have the agent I want. I trust him, he understands me and we’ve been together for four years now, a long time for me. My life is settled, I have a plan. He leaves me alone, my bookings are made, it’s all working.”

“And along I come and muck it all up.”

“Maybe, maybe not. I know I’ve never been happier, but my work is suffering. If only you had turned up a couple of years later. Then I would be settled and maybe have more time.”

“You said you were getting some heat about us. What’s that all about?”

“I smiled the other day. Suddenly started smiling in the middle of a fitting. I wanted to leave work early. People have to say things twice to me. I am constantly thinking about you and what you are doing and thinking. I am on the phone to Simone or to you. Having lunch with you. People know something is going on. Some ask who he is or when can they meet him. I don’t think anyone connects us yet. Everyone is really busy with the shows. They haven’t got the time to really notice anything except my drifting off and my sudden weight loss. I am annoying people and they aren’t used to that. Not in that sense.”

“In what sense are they used to you being annoying?”

“Knowing what I want. I have a reputation. We all do. But I have been in this business long enough to know what I’m talking about. People know that. I handle it, it’s no major problem.”

“So are we a major problem?”

“Not yet, just a minor one. But next week will be hell. We can still have lunch together, but it is really crazy time from now on. This is our last day of freedom.”

“And you have your periods.”

“Yes,” she laughed. “Great timing. But they will be finished in time for the first show so it’s good timing.”

“Well, don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine. You concentrate on work. I can think of a lot worse things than being stuck in Paris and only seeing you for lunch and dinner and after dinner.”

“Maybe not always dinner, but definitely after dinner,” she smiled.

“You’ll have to work through dinner?” I said, disappointed.

“Sometimes.”

“Well, call me and we’ll have dinner together.”

“Lyn, dinner at work is just that. I have dinner with you and I waste time when I could be there finishing up and then coming home. It’ll work out okay. And I will be there for your first fitting.”

“And choosing,” I said quickly.

“Yes, I will be there. I can choose what will look good on you. This is my area of expertise, okay?”

I nodded, unconvinced. “I’ll have to have my legs waxed before Friday.” I groaned, thinking of myself in stockings and hairy legs.

“Get nervous when it’s time. Not now.” She maneuvered herself on top of me, pushed my hair back and kissed and cuddled me.

“When’s my first fitting?” I asked.

“Tuesday night. I’ll change the appointment. It was going to be during the day, but now I am going with you, I will change it. No big deal.”

CHAPTER 10

FAME

ONE

Life with Yvonne in that week before the first show was a mix of chaos and tranquility. We had lunch together every day and one day she showed me where she would be working for a few hours, even leading me into a small dressing-room she had to herself with a curtain across it. We were interrupted, lying on a sofa together half-undressed. The person who interrupted us was Natalie Kromer, a very famous model. She apologized in English and left. I certainly knew about her. The Scandinavian blonde bombshell with big tits for a model. She’d once dated an English pop star and then one of Europe’s royalty, and in so doing had stepped outside the confines of her world, the world of modeling and the rich and infamous, into the world I knew. Unless a model was involved with someone in the music industry or the film industry or was seeing someone extremely famous, I didn’t know about them. They had to be connected to someone, Christie Brinkley to Billy Joel, for example, before their divorce. Natalie was more famous than Yvonne because she had done this, by connecting herself to people who were talked about, a lot, and talking about it to the press. Yvonne never did that, even though she had dated “fame”, more than once.

People outside my world had to be plastered all over the newspapers, magazines and TV shows before I was any the wiser. Elle Macpherson I knew, only because she was Australian.

Yvonne introduced me to Natalie later. I was extremely nervous about meeting someone so famous. I still didn’t realize that Yvonne was as famous as Natalie and the rest. I’m glad I didn’t. I had no preconceived ideas about who Yvonne was; she unfolded herself to me. I didn’t come into our relationship one-sided, me knowing her and she not knowing me. I think that really helped, that I didn’t know the Ice Princess or anything about her.

TWO

In the end, Yvonne chose my dress and my shoes for me. I was extremely embarrassed. The woman who helped Yvonne was a stranger to me and I hadn’t been waxed yet. Yvonne came into the change room with me and helped me select the right dress out of four or so she had lined up. Yvonne talked to the woman about my shape, my size, what would look good on me. They spoke in English, the woman was English, younger than us. She was about twenty-seven, very helpful, put me at ease. But I was not going to let her see me all hairy, only Yvonne. Bit difficult to do a fitting when the fitter was on the outside and I was on the inside.

We chose the dress, the shoes and stockings, with the idea that I would go back later for a proper fitting. It was a very simple short dress of light-grey and dark-pink in a pattern of hazy checks, with very thin shoulder straps. The shoes were dark-grey flats, no heels for me to stumble around in. Yvonne had worked out the jewelry. I would borrow a pair of her earrings and a small bracelet. Nothing else. And a handbag, as my shoulder bag was totally unsuitable. I was given a small, useless bag with no strap. I had to carry it in my hand or under my arm. It would hold a hanky, a lipstick, my key and some money, but no wallet.

The only thing I would contribute to the look was the white gold opal ring that I always wore. I hadn’t brought anything extra with me on my supposedly short trip to Paris. I had my ring, my yellow gold sleepers, my clothes and that was it.

THREE

Yvonne’s place of work for the upcoming show was a golden opportunity for perving at beautiful men and women. People came and went everywhere. It reminded me of the party with its incredible array of accents and languages. Standing back, watching this incredible hive of activity, I saw to my horror a huge lovebite on Yvonne’s left buttock. The dress she was being fitted for, very long, body-hugging, shimmering silver, was so clingy that underpants would have ruined the line of it. Under it Yvonne was completely naked and each time the dress came off, her whole body was visible, including the bite that I had most likely caused. No one seemed to pay much attention to it, including Yvonne, which made me think that this sort of thing must happen all the time. I wondered when I had done it. I just loved to take huge chunks of her flesh inside my mouth and devour her, eat her all up, with Yvonne usually laughing at me, unless it was sex time; that made me remember the bathroom when Yvonne was bent over the basin, taking off her make-up. Maybe that’s where this hickey (okay, bite!) came from. When I’d first heard the word “model” in connection with Yvonne, I had thought about not harming her body because she needed it for her work. But Yvonne had never mentioned it to me, so on occasion I had gone a little wild and devoured her body more than a model’s body should have been devoured.

In this hive of activity, I couldn’t sometimes work out who the workers were, and even who the models were. Yvonne had always seemed to me to be in control of herself; she knew who she was and what she wanted. She had a few lapses now and then, but we were in love, we were close and getting closer, I was getting to her, our relationship was. I would have thought she was inhuman if I hadn’t stirred her up a little bit. But the people I saw there, they were beyond my comprehension. They knew what they were doing, Yvonne knew what she was doing, rushing here and there.

I left. It was too chaotic, too much out of my world and too noisy. My headache had escalated from the usual dull, persistent, tolerable ache to a throbbing mass of jumping-bean brain cells that seemed to have multiplied wildly into one ginormous jackhammer pounding insanely inside my head, wanting to burst the seams and break out of my skull. I went home to pain-killers and a lie down.

I could only handle Yvonne’s world in small doses, and I was a distraction. She worried about me, constantly looking over to see if I was all right and waving or just smiling at me across the room, shrugging her shoulders a little at the irony of us being apart but in the same room, so close and yet so far. I shouldn’t have been there. Boyfriends weren’t allowed so why should girlfriends be any different.

FOUR

The tranquil part was when Yvonne came home. She was tired, pretty quiet, and only wanted to relax, eat, make love, sleep, then get up silently, slip away from me and repeat the whole thing again the next day.

I spent my days either alone with my guide book, wandering around, seeing the sights, or with Peter, who took a couple of afternoons off and showed me the more detailed, need-an-informed-guide places, like the Louvre and the Champs-Elysees with the Arc de Triomphe and the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. Anything that seemed romantic, like Notre Dame or Montmartre and the Sacré-Coeur, I saved for Yvonne and weekends or later, after the fashion shows.

I managed to see a lot and loved it all; even the sewers were fascinating, but definitely not romantic. It was wonderful to be seeing places and sights so familiar, right up close. I had to keep pinching myself so that I knew I was really here, but Yvonne was always on my mind. I wanted to be seeing them with her. I made a list. If anything looked like it might be too much mob-material, I saw it alone or with Peter. If it was incredibly romantic and not too bad on the people side, I jotted it down.

I kept my second appointment with the beautician. She waxed my legs (shit, did they hurt, but not as much as I thought they would) and under my arms (I was forced to swear out loud). The next day, the skin under my arms came up in huge red, horrible splotches. I rang her and complained bitterly. She suggested I get a bottle of Vitamin E cream to soothe them. My legs were fine, almost completely smooth and completely hair-free, as long as you didn’t look too closely. Even my knees were now hair-free.

Yvonne was very sympathetic about my painful and unsightly underarms; I would have to wear a jacket over my dress to cover them up. I was in pain and they looked dreadful. And I was so pale. Yvonne told me to relax, as everyone would be looking at each other and then at the show, but definitely not at me. Claude wasn’t important enough to worry about, he only gained admission the same way I did, through Yvonne.

The beautician, when I complained, informed me that each time it would get easier. I told her it had better. It was terrible; the redness and the pain lasted for days. She also told me that the fine stubble-effect on my legs would fade in time. The more I waxed, the better it would be. Each day, I sat in the park and rolled the waistband of my shorts down and the legs up, squashed my top up as far as it could go, kicked my shoes off and let the sun do its job. I knew I would end up with strange suntan marks, but I had to start somewhere. Just letting my face feel the goodness of the sun’s rays was enough.

Yvonne became busier as the first show drew closer. She didn’t get home till quite late and didn’t have time to attend to the little extras of life. She began leaving me notes: descriptions of things she wanted me to buy for her and where to find them, things Simone would have found difficult but me easy, like CDs to add to her already massive collection. Simone would have never understood, not the way Yvonne described them. For example: Get the CD with that lead singer from that all-girl group who is now on a solo career. American, sort of beachy-style. You know the one. Get her second CD, not her first, I have that one. And then Yvonne would write down what she thought the name of the song she’d recently heard somewhere was, and some of the lyrics.

I enjoyed spending my time in record shops, spending someone else’s money on whatever took Yvonne’s fancy, which happened quite frequently. Before Yvonne, I would never have bought a CD or an album because I fancied just one song on it. I always had to really like at least ten tracks to feel I’d got my money’s worth.

I also bought myself a pair of sandals ─ mine were really old and scruffy.

CHAPTER 11

TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN

ONE

I soon ran out of money. On Thursday night, the night before the first fashion show, I asked Yvonne if I could have some more money. I had used all the money in the drawer and all my traveler’s cheques. Since leaving the apartment for the world out there, I had spent over nine hundred and fifty dollars, but that included my half of the hotel bill, my first expensive lunch and my sandals, but not the beautician or my clothes. “It’s all those taxis,” I rambled, “and those Paris sights out there. It’s expensive being a tourist, and my sandals were really expensive. Remember all those CDs I bought you and that ─”

“Help yourself. Just leave me enough for a taxi in the morning.” Yvonne stepped out of the shower, all dripping wet and scrummy-looking. “Lyn, I don’t mind,” she said, noticing me still standing in the bathroom doorway.

“I’m perving, not…” I shuffled my feet. I was embarrassed about the money. When I looked up, Yvonne was busy drying herself. She walked towards me, held my face in her hands and kissed me, then walked past.

“I am embarrassed,” I said. Yvonne stood naked on the window seat, looking out over the city, her towel on the seat beside her. She had two of the louvre windows open. We could hear people on the street below and cars tooting. It was a really warm, muggy night. The red evening sky looked slightly psychedelic through the funny green windows. It felt like we were on Mars.

I opened Yvonne’s wallet and took out a handful of notes, leaving enough for two taxi rides.

“Come here,” I heard. I looked up. Yvonne sat on the window seat, her legs open, the towel in her hands casually between her thighs. She leaned back, her long legs stretched out, and smiled very seductively at me. Sex and sensuality oozed from every square centimeter of her. I swallowed, put her wallet away and sat down on the nearest thing, the chair at her dressing-table, with all those make-up, perfume and hairspray smells.

“You come here,” I said. My voice trembled ─ it actually trembled. I was nervous, sweating, felt all mushy inside. Yvonne could change my feelings so easily. Ten seconds before, I had been a perving, embarrassed woman, worrying about money. We were living on Mars. Ten seconds later, I was dueling with her over “come here”. Who would win? Who could lose?

I stood up. I put the money on the dressing-table. Yvonne gathered her long body together and stood up. Her hair dripped. Water ran down her shoulders, over her chest and onto her deliciously, gently curving breasts. One droplet of water clung to her erect left nipple. When would it fall? My eyes were glued to that wonderful nipple and that persistent droplet. My legs shook. She walked towards me slowly, my breathing heavy and fast. Then she was kissing me, holding me, her body warm and wet. It smelled wonderful, passion fruit and lavender, her shampoo. We were in a world of our own, maybe alien, but it was ours. We fell on to the bed and Yvonne undressed me as she kissed me and I kissed her.

CHAPTER 12

PREMIERE

ONE

Friday ─ the first fashion show. Tonight, I would see Yvonne in her element, doing her “thing”. As usual, she slipped away from me, leaving me to sleep while she got up at her ridiculous hour, the middle of the night, although she said it wasn’t the middle of the night. Four thirty on the first morning. Now it was six thirty and she left home at eight. I was fast asleep. I hardly ever became conscious before at least nine. Then I dozed in a dreamy sort of existence till my body decided it was alert enough for full consciousness and I could then consider getting up, if I wanted to.

The fitting for my dress was due at eleven thirty. I’d postponed it till the last minute. Yvonne said she would pick it up on her way home after any necessary alterations had been made. She was planning to have a nap before going back to the main event. My underarms were still very sore and looked awful. I was a nervous wreck. Me, wearing a dress for the first time in years, plus stockings and proper shoes. I wanted to be a fly on the wall, observe, not be seen, not be one of the beautiful people. Hair and make-up were all organized. Yvonne wrote it down, where I was to go, the time, the address, in a list of my day’s events. Yvonne had picked out a jacket. She said it was very small, came to about my waist, was dark-grey with short sleeves and no collar, and would look good.

Yvonne knew I was nervous. For two hours last night, she had helped me forget about tonight. Two wonderful hours of making love. Then she slept. I lay awake for a while, thinking of tonight, looking at Yvonne. I could look at her forever, the way she slept, the way she moved in her sleep. Yvonne had the most incredible body. No matter whether she lay on her back, on her stomach, on her side, it was all wonderful. The only thing missing when Yvonne slept were her eyes. I couldn’t see her laughing, sexy eyes. She was perfect, absolutely perfect, and I was a skinny, flat-chested, nervous wreck, with red, sore underarms.

My hair was still brown. It looked better now and had more life to it, but the new blonde shampoo and conditioner had only arrived on Wednesday, with bottles of vitamins, anti-thrush pills and pessaries. I took the vitamins, used the shampoo and conditioner, and waited for a sudden burst of energy and my blonde hair to return.

TWO

Luckily, despite my late night, my body decided on a pre-ten a.m. rather than post-ten, fully-conscious state, allowing me to get up at an easy pace and not have to dash to keep my early appointment. I arrived on time for the fitting of my dress and new jacket, appearing calmer on the outside than I really was.

I was embarrassed. I told the English girl, Nancy from Lancashire, all about my horrible experiences at the hands of the beautician. She said she’d seen it all, worse than mine. Why does everyone always have a worse-than-yours story to tell? Are they trying to make you feel as if things could be worse?

My dress was fine, the jacket was fine; a few alterations and they would be ready for Yvonne to pick up. I checked my list. My hair and make-up were scheduled for five thirty. I was being picked up at seven fifteen by Claude. Part of me wanted to go alone; just slip in, check Yvonne out and leave; but the other part of me was glad I would have someone who knew which door to go in, where I could find a drink, where the ladies was and where I would sit to watch the show. I wasn’t even sure if Claude liked me or not, but I had a guide. se him, I told myself.

THREE

I went home after my visit to the park and a thirty-minute stint in the sun. Yvonne arrived home around two. She was exhausted and hungry, headed straight for the bathroom to remove her make-up, and then to bed. I went downstairs and was quickly given Yvonne’s lunch by an angry Simone. Her friendly expression had a way of changing into a nasty scowl if I was in her kitchen. She really hated me in there, especially when she was cooking. Yvonne ate her lunch naked, sitting up in bed and trying to calm me down. She wasn’t nervous at all.

Yvonne slept while I lay beside her and dozed. I was too excited and nervous to sleep. Using my index finger, I felt my newly plucked eyebrows and my hairless upper lip. I knew I went on and on, in my mind, about my body hair, but I couldn’t help it. If we all lived in jungles, it wouldn’t have bothered me, but we didn’t and it did.

After a few hours’ sleep, Yvonne left for the show. I wouldn’t see her again till much later. She didn’t make a big deal out of it, neither did I. Just another working day. Ten minutes later, I headed off in another taxi for my hair and make-up. What they would do, I had no idea. I had never had my hair and make-up done professionally before. The money spent on taxis was ridiculous.

My hair was washed, blow-dried and slightly hair sprayed. I said “No” to nail polish and “Yes” to a very small amount of make-up. Yvonne must have told them I was new to it all. They were kind, helpful, didn’t talk too much, just did it. When I walked out, I smelled of chemicals and couldn’t touch my hair or my face. My hair looked like long brown hair should: it flowed and it shone. My made-up face made me look sexy. But I was still me.

FOUR

I was dressed and ready by 7.10 p.m. My nerves were on the moderate side. I didn’t look like a freak. I looked like a woman in her early thirties, wearing a simple dress and a small jacket, clutching a stupid handbag. And I was wearing (God, I hated them already) pantyhose and a pair of very stylish shoes, which crushed my toes and burned my heels. I took them off until the last second.

I never saw any bills for all this. I never signed anything. It was all handled. Money doesn’t exist in that world, except for taxis and lots of money was spent on taxis. I wasn’t sure if Yvonne ever saw the bills. I imagined some poor accountant or secretary in a small office somewhere receiving all my bills and paying them from Yvonne’s account.

Stockings. I hadn’t seen Yvonne wear anything on her legs. She’d always worn dresses or skirts or just a shirt, but I saw stockings and garter belts (suspender belts, I would have called them) in her drawers. In America, suspenders are used to keep people’s pants up. In England and Australia, they say braces. But I thought braces were what you wore on your teeth to straighten them. Culturally, I was very mixed up. Growing up in Australia meant watching American, British and Australian TV shows and movies; reading American, British and Australian novels, and they all used different words for different things ─ hence the Aussie slang. Then, in the late seventies, we got a new television channel, which showed foreign films that were either dubbed or subtitled. It wasn’t until the late eighties that Australia took over and ended the horrendous process of dubbing and began to subtitle practically every movie shown on that channel in the Australian vernacular. By then the damage was done. My vocabulary was half Australian, that is, a combination of English and Aussie slang, and half American, with foreign input thrown in now and then. And now I was living in France with a woman who spoke in many tongues, and whose English was based on time spent in America.

Getting back to Yvonne’s stockings and garter belts, she had underwear that could fill a normal person’s wardrobe. God that woman loved clothes. She had drawers for everything, which were filled with everything, in all colors, styles, shapes and looks. The list could go on and on.

FIVE

At 7.20 p.m., there was a loud knock on the front door. Simone reached it before me. I walked slowly down the stairs and Simone smiled and nodded her head approvingly. I gave her my best “Bonsoir”. Then I was out with Claude, who was not the best companion or the friendliest person at all. He was lofty in both height and attitude. Claude did say hello to me and he opened the car door for me, a totally stupid thing to do. If it had been any other night, I would have objected. I do not need a car door opened for me unless it’s stuck or I’m carrying something awkward or heavy.

Claude had the radio on, it was all in French, of course, and he sang along mindless of the fact that he sounded like a partially strangled canary. I sat back and imagined the night to come. I had seen movies about fashion shows, read about them in books, and now I was going to see one. A very prestigious, absolutely invitation-only Paris fashion show. And I was going to see my girlfriend, who happened to be one of the main attractions, aside from the clothes. It was unbelievable and yet it was happening. My excitement factor was increasing rapidly.

I was sort of used to Yvonne and her Vogue look, but not really. I was much more comfortable and turned on by the natural Yvonne. The other one, she scared me a little. I didn’t know her, the Ice Princess. Up with the excitement and up with the nerves. I smiled at it all. There was a funny side, me having a famous girlfriend. Jane would have said … I wasn’t sure what Jane would have said. This was so bizarre. Go along and enjoy, I told myself. I was going to see the most beautiful women and men in the world strut their stuff. I had to stamp my feet on the floor. I received a look from Claude. Stuff him. I knew one of the models, intimately. God did I know her. I was not going as one of the many. I was involved, part of it somehow. I was involved in the secretive side of it, the loving, caring, not-really-interested-in-the-clothes-at-all side, the side that was only really interested in one very special, unique woman and if it wasn’t for her, there would have been no reason for me to have been going to this thing. I was going to see Yvonne, my Yvonne, and only a handful of people in the world knew who I was and why I would be there. I felt like I was having the best affair in the world, ever! We didn’t have to hide in hotels or meet secretively. We were having an open affair. It was that just no-one knew about it.

What did people think at the party? Or when we kissed outside the restaurant? Or gazed into each other’s eyes at restaurant tables or across crowded rooms?

I didn’t care. I was in love and very heavily in lust.

SIX

There were people everywhere, cameras everywhere. Claude’s car was taken away to be parked. We walked to the main entrance. It was like a Hollywood premiere except that I wasn’t watching it on TV. I was there! Once we were inside, Claude placed a drink in my hand and promptly left me. That was fine. I wandered around feeling totally out of place, but really loving it. I could see people glancing at me and whispering to the person beside them to find out if I was anyone; deciding in an instant I wasn’t and their eyes automatically shifting across the top of their champagne glasses to another prospect and another, until they found someone worthy. No-one spoke to me. I wasn’t worth it.

Claude tapped me on the arm; we had to find our seats. We sat down and waited and watched, me smiling like an idiot. I was excited and nervous. I was scared Yvonne would trip, catch her heel in her dress and fall. I couldn’t stop myself laughing at the thought of Yvonne landing in the crowd of people, arse over tit as some would say. Luckily, the place was so noisy no-one heard me laughing. Claude saw me laugh and smiled. He didn’t know what I was laughing at, but he smiled and took my hand in his. It was comforting to have a friend. I took my shoes off, which were killing me, and we settled back in our seats to watch the parade. Every time a model appeared, Claude glanced at me. This bugged me. Why was he watching me and not them? After a few seconds, he would turn back and watch the show.

After about fifteen minutes of hoopla, music and whatever, I saw a huge smile spread across his face. I immediately went cold, then hot, my stomach flipped over and my heart, which had stopped, now pounded away. I snapped my attention back to the runway. I could just hear Claude laughing. I stared at Yvonne. She strode down the catwalk. I didn’t recognize her. I hadn’t recognized her. She did all the things the others did, stride, swivel, turn. People were talking, and looking at her. She was on show. My mouth went dry, my heart raced, I could hardly breathe. I sweated. God, I felt peculiar. Yvonne was so tall, so unreachable. She looked over the crowd, her eyes cold. Everything about her was cold. Then she was gone.

I couldn’t remember what she was wearing. Her outfit was completely gone from my memory, if I ever really noticed it in the first place. I knew she would be different, but this was totally unexpected. I never imagined for a second that I wouldn’t recognize her.

Three more models came and went before I was functioning again. I was in severe shock. I had seen the Ice Princess and I felt as if I had seen a goddess. Yvonne deserved her name. God, she looked cold. But it worked. There was so much noise when she came out and did her thing. She was so good at this. To me it seemed totally unnatural, but Yvonne had done it. Had I thought she wouldn’t?

I felt absolutely stunned every time she came out. She never looked at me, never looked at anyone. She was above everyone, she was the best. She knew it, the crowd knew it. She looked fantastic. The clothes were… well, I defy anyone outside the fashion industry to accurately describe clothes like this. They were incredible, but only suitable for fashion shows. Yvonne was so confident up there. I wasn’t laughing now. She owned that catwalk. I was totally in awe of her. If I hadn’t put her up on a pedestal before, I certainly had her up on one now.

SEVEN

Claude wanted to stay. I wanted to leave. Yvonne and I hadn’t discussed what would happen after the show. We were up, walking around. I drank white wine and ate caviar on a biscuit and I wanted to go home. The show was over, people talked in French and English, but I didn’t know what they were talking about. It was too noisy, too crowded and too hot.

I asked a woman, if I could give Yvonne a message. She seemed to be attached to the show rather than belonging to it, and she didn’t look particularly comfortable in her fancy clothes. I’d seen her hanging around what looked like the backstage department.

“What’s the message?” she said.

It was so noisy I had to lean closer. “Could you ask her if she’s going home or what she’s doing? I’m a relative. My name is Lyn.”

She nodded to me, then beckoned to a young man, who dashed to her side. She whispered in his ear and the young man dashed off behind her.

I smiled and waited and sipped my drink. Maybe she’s security. She was checking everyone out very carefully. The young man dashed back, out of breath. She nodded at me and I went over. “Ms. Shuman said to meet her outside, just to the right of the main entrance.” I thanked her, then found Claude and said good night. I went outside and found a low stone wall to sit on, to the right of the main entrance, as instructed. People were still jammed inside amidst all the action. It was great to be outside, but who was I waiting for? I had butterflies about seeing the Ice Princess. I shouldn’t have. Within five minutes, she was there. I stood up and we hugged each other, then kissed. She was normal, wearing, for Yvonne, a simple dress, no stockings and flat shoes, a minimum of make-up and her hair brushed out.

“Let’s go,” she said, gently pulling me away.

“Wait,” I said. “Don’t you want to stay for the party?” I assumed there would be a party.

She gave me a very serious look, then said, “No, I want to go home with you. We can get a ride down here. You okay?”

I hugged her. “I didn’t recognize you,” I breathed.

She kissed my neck. “It’s over, you can relax,” she said.

We weren’t going anywhere. We stood in the darkness and cuddled and kissed for ages, my lipstick messing with hers, my arms wrapped around her gorgeous body, my hands feeling her gorgeous body. I even kissed her made-up face.

“It wasn’t that bad, was it?” she laughed.

“Worse,” I said.

“Why? What was so terrible about it?” she asked, me still safely in her arms. We sat down on the wall.

“I didn’t recognize you,” I said again. Yvonne studied my face. She looked normal, (I hated to think what I looked like), but her eyes were troubled. “I’m not that bad,” I said. We hugged some more. “I was so nervous for you,” I said. “Claude had to tell me it was you. Yvonne, you were fantastic!”

She shrugged. “It’s my work, I’m used to it.”

“Weren’t you nervous at all?” I asked.

“No!” she laughed.

We kissed again, her mouth warm and tasty.

“Maybe I’m getting used to lipstick,” I said as Yvonne pulled me to my feet. The way I was feeling, I would have gone anywhere with her.

“You are probably drunk. Did I turn you on?”

“No. And I am probably drunk. I haven’t had any dinner. Was I supposed to get turned on?” I asked. We walked slowly together as lovers off to somewhere.

“It was supposed to be sexual, yes,” she said.

It was too dark to see her face. I tightened my hold around her waist a little, squeezing. “Are you sure you want to leave your friends? I’ll be fine.”

“No. I can see them… well, actually, I can’t see them any time. Weren’t you turned on at all?” she said, sounding amazed.

“I was in shock!” I said. “This is my first fashion show, and you were amazing! I am still in shock. I’ve never seen anything like that before.” I stopped. “Hang on a sec.” I took off my shoes and pantyhose and put my shoes back on, sighing with relief. It started to sprinkle, a summer shower. The night was warm, it was raining and Yvonne was happy and normal. Everything perfect.

We got into the first taxi at the taxi rank.

“What do you think about up there?” I asked. The rain pelted down. It was very romantic cuddled up together in the back of the taxi, in darkness.

“I was thinking about doing the job, listening to the music.” She looked at me closely. “I was not thinking of you!” Emphatically. “I didn’t want to know you. I have to concentrate. This is my job. Nothing matters while I am working.”

“Your accent is really coming and going tonight,” I said.

“You are drunk. You are changing the subject. Where are your earrings?” My hand flew up to my right ear. “Got you,” she joked.

“Bitch,” I said quietly, her probably-very-expensive stud earrings in place.

We had survived the first test. Yvonne doing her thing, me beating my nerves with a lot of help from Yvonne.

CHAPTER 13

ICE CASTLES

ONE

Between the first fashion show and the last, we had more of the same chaos. Yvonne came and went in a mad flurry. I decided I needed another dress for the next show. I had survived one, why not another? I organized it myself and discussed different dresses with Nancy from Lancashire, but in the end I left the final choice to Yvonne, who picked it with no hesitation. It was lilac, short and simple, and it fitted perfectly. She delighted in the whole process of overseeing my proper outfitting. It was all very business-like. Enjoy it but don’t go overboard. It was just a dress after all. My sentiments exactly. Yvonne and I agreed about shopping, just do it. I had my bikini line waxed and soon was dabbing vitamin E cream on it instead of under my arms. Christ, it hurt, not just the ripping-off part, but the redness and itchiness afterwards.

The next show was harder; I knew what to expect. Claude took me again, but I beat him to the car door and opened it myself. There were more people, more fanfare. I was not going to miss Yvonne, I would recognize her this time. I stared at every model. They wore wigs sometimes or had their hair so bizarrely arranged that it was a disguise in itself. I wasn’t used to the unique way Yvonne strode down the catwalk so I only had her face to go on. Claude saw her half a second before I did. I had just felt a pang of recognition when I saw Claude, from the corner of my eye, clearly recrossing his legs with the satisfaction of having seen her first.

Again, Yvonne was sensational. Claude agreed with me that people really did chatter more when Yvonne walked out. To my mind there was no way she would leave the business when she was so popular, and she still loved it.

TWO

I waited outside for her; she sneaked up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder.

“You were great.” We moved off quickly. People were milling about outside. We jumped into a taxi and made out in the back seat.

“You were really great,” I said again as Yvonne rested in my arms and turned to look at me. This time she leant back against me. Role reversal.

“It was pretty good,” she smiled.

“Major understatement,” I said.

She shrugged; she was tired. “I nearly saw you out there,” she said. “You better change your hair back to brown. It’s easier to miss.”

“How close did you get?”

“Pretty close. I am pretty sure it was you. The platform wasn’t high enough.” She had her eyes closed; we had further to travel home that night.

“What would happen if you did see me?” I asked.

“Nothing, probably. I just don’t want to risk it.”

“Can I tell you how wonderful and fantastic you were? I feel so happy that you really love it up there. You own that stage.”

“Lyn, I have to look like that,” she said, shifting her head a little in my direction. “I was acting. That’s all it is. It’s one big act. People fall for it.”

I stroked her head, running my fingers through her hair along her scalp.

“Mmm,” she murmured happily, scrunching down so I could attack her head more easily. “Now this is great,” she said.

I ran both hands through her hair and along her scalp, right down to the back of her head. She tilted her head forward and groaned with pleasure. Then she leant back and I started again, from her forehead, right down to the base of her head. We didn’t talk, after that.

THREE

The next show was worse. I couldn’t stand the waiting. My heart would go on hold until either it wasn’t her or it was. Every time, she was better and this time she did see me. I wore the dress I had worn to the first show again, minus the jacket. She turned in our direction and we found ourselves staring, our eyes locked into each other’s. She smiled, turned on her toes and walked off. The crowd went berserk. The Ice Princess had actually smiled!

She was smiling when she came out the next time. She couldn’t help it. The crowd loved it. There was a feeling of excitement all around us. The crowd cheered and clapped and whistled. She looked everywhere but at me, smiling all the time.

I waited for her outside. She grinned as she came towards me.

“Am I in trouble?” I turned and ran, but she caught me easily.

“You have ruined my reputation.” She held me prisoner against a wall.

It was raining again. I wasn’t wearing any pantyhose that night because my legs were slightly tanned and the weather was still very warm. She edged my legs apart with hers and leaned against me.

“You’re squishing me,” I wheezed, my voice breathless from the running and being crushed.

“You have destroyed me,” she said, her face a centimeter from mine.

“Is that so bad?” I wheezed out.

“Yes. I’ve spent twenty years…” She couldn’t go on. She laughed, let my hands go and kissed me. The rain pissed down. She leant back enough so she could slip her arms around me. Mine were already reeling her in.

FOUR

The next morning, for the first time, I woke up before her. She was asleep on her stomach, her face tuned away from me. All I could see was a mass of dark-brown hair. I got up and went downstairs to make coffee. Back in bed, I sipped coffee and watched the rain stream across the windows. Yvonne slowly stirred, smelling the coffee.

“It’s too early,” she groaned, rolling over towards me. She slid her head onto my lap. We had a sheet over us. The weather was changeable. “Did you get the paper?”

“Yes, it’s beside you,” I said. I ran my fingers through her hair.

She moaned a little with pleasure and snuggled closer. “What does it say?”

“I don’t know, I haven’t read it.”

She sat up bleary-eyed. “Why not?”

“I’m too scared. I don’t want to know that your career is over.”

We kissed a brief, good-morning kiss.

Yvonne took a long sip of her coffee and sat back to read the paper. “How come you are all chirpy this morning?” she asked, flipping smartly through the pages.

“Must be your Mama’s vitamins.”

“Or the great sex.” The newspaper was the first I’d ever seen in this apartment. Yvonne had left a note in the kitchen for Simone, asking her to get one for us, the early edition.

I heard a large snap of the paper, to tell all she’d found the right place. She folded it, sipped her coffee and proceeded to read about last night. But before she could, she cried out, “No!” and turned onto her side, away from me.

I was trying to read it over her shoulder. “Don’t be mean, let me look,” I said, climbing all over her to see the article.

“You didn’t want to look, so you can suffer,” she said. She lay on her stomach, the paper under her, only the small part she needed in sight.

“Yvonne, you’re like a mean kid in school who won’t let me cheat from you,” I complained. I tugged at her head, trying to shift her away so I could see. It was in French, I couldn’t read a goddamn thing! “Yvonne. Tell me!” She was such a big pain. I was like a fly buzzing around her, but she kept waving me off. “Yvonne, come on!”

“Just a second,” she said.

I sat back, my coffee finished.

“Well,” she said, “it doesn’t seem to be too bad. It made the show a smash, which is something I am not supposed to do. The clothes should be talked about, not me.”

“Don’t you need your glasses?”

“No, it’s a bit blurry, but I’ve got it thanks.”

“What does it say?” I tapped the unreadable paper in her hands. She finished her coffee, taking her time. “Yvonne!” I wailed at her. “I hate this. Tell me.” She was being a bully.

“It says what we expected,” she said. Then she read out loud in a news announcer’s voice, “ ‘The Ice Princess stole the show, finally showing the smile…’ ” She stopped and said, “It should not be this way. The clothes should be it.” The paper was tossed onto the bed. I picked it up and tried to decipher the words.

“Keep going. What else does it say?” I didn’t need French to decipher the meaning behind all the pictures of Yvonne smiling. There were heaps of them. I smiled at the wonderful smiles that smiled back at me from the paper. She was dozing again. “Hey,” I said, shaking her. “Why are you so tired?” It was eight fifteen. Yvonne was usually up and running by this time.

“I have been working. This is my day off,” she said, all curled up, ready for more sleep.

“I thought we’d go sightseeing,” I said. The paper was abandoned. I’d drag it out of her later. I already knew the main bit. The show was a smash, Yvonne was an even bigger success because she had smiled and the designer was probably pissed off with her, and me, if he knew about me.

“It’s raining and it’s the height of tourist season and I want a day in bed. No pressure, no people. Just us, you and me. You got that?”

“Yes, I’ve got it,” I said. “I’ll never see Paris the way I want to see it.” I lay beside her, tracing her spine with my fingers, now using my mouth. My hand moved the sheet away. I had a thought and jumped off the bed.

“What are you doing?” she complained.

“Don’t move. You’re messing this up.”

“What are you doing?” she asked again, turning to see. She groaned and lay down. I was drawing on her back with my lipstick. “I hope that’s yours, not mine,” she groaned.

“It is. I’ll get another one. I want you to tell me what I’m writing.”

“Lyn, get off. I’m tired,” she said, squirming again.

“I won’t be long. Just tell me what I’m writing,” I said, waiting for her to ready herself and start concentrating.

“What have you written on me?” she asked.

“The usual mushy stuff. Hearts with arrows in them. I’ll trace them for you. I’ve got your initials and mine; temporary love tattoos.” I traced them again, two hearts on her backside, one on each buttock. “You ready?” I asked, my lipstick poised above her back.

“Go on, I’m ready,” she said, not really excited, but not overly annoyed either. “I know what you are going to write.”

“Keep still, I’ll have to start again.”

“I know what you are going to write,” she said with more emphasis this time.

“I’m not going to write ‘I love you’, that’s unnecessary ─ ”

“Well, the first letter was an ‘I’.” Her voice sounded annoyed, an I-was-wasting-her-time voice.

“You’ve done this before.”

“Yes, I have. It’s boring. I end up with lipstick all over me,” she said emphatically, but lying still.

“I haven’t done this before. Indulge me.”

“Okay. But you better wipe it off me, and if it gets on the sheets …”

“Buy a new set, this is love. My first real love. That’s worth a set of sheets, isn’t it?”

“Come here,” she said.

“What?” I said, moving my face up to hers.

“I…” she began, but buried her face in the pillow.

“What is it?”

One troubled eye appeared. “Lyn, I smiled last night. Have you any idea what that means?” She was being really serious. I put the lipstick away and lay down beside her.

“No, tell me.”

“I don’t know,” she smiled. “And I don’t know if I should keep smiling or go back. This is so silly, but it is very important. Do I keep smiling?” She was asking herself.

“Can I write my message while you decide?”

“Have you an opinion on my smiling?”

“I don’t know. I actually don’t think you have a choice. You tried not to smile last night and you did anyway.”

“That’s true,” she said, very confused by it all. She lay back down, motioning at her back with a wave of her hand.

“Kiss me first,” I said. “I came here with absolutely no hesitation on my part. No nothing.”

“So you did. I owe you one, then.”

We kissed with my head under hers, keeping her backside off the bottom sheet. It was a long kiss, a very long kiss, very passionate, very noisy, lots of mmming and ahhhing amidst the rhythmic drumbeat of the rain pelting down onto the brown slate roof above and against the funny green windows. I lay on my back, my head on her pillow, my fingers spread out through her hair, holding it back, out of the way.

She pulled up, came back down, her mouth moving, changing position on mine. Her hand felt my breast, my stomach. Her other hand cradled my head. It was an extremely long kiss.

She pulled up again and started to turn over until I said quickly, “Don’t, the lipstick.” I felt her whole body relax onto mine. “You are tired.”

“Why do you say that?” she said.

“Stopping at only kissing. Maybe you need more of your Mama’s vitamins. Can I do my sign now?”

“You’re like a little kid.”

“This is my first, remember? You might have done everything under the sun sexually and romantically, but I haven’t.”

“That’s not fair.”

“Then let me make it even. Give me some romance time.”

“Do it. I’m not going anywhere except to the bathroom very soon.”

“Can you go now? And then I’ll get you some breakfast. Hey, what’s the matter?” I poked her in the back.

“I smiled! This is a big event!” she snapped, her arms outstretched, emphasizing the point.

“I understand!” I snapped back. “But what can you do? It’s done. Move on.”

“It’s not that simple. I have to decide whether to change my whole outside world.”

“What do you feel comfortable with?”

“It was hard smiling last night. People don’t expect it of me.”

“But you couldn’t help it. We’re in love! Go with it. You’re getting out soon anyway.”

“In a couple of years. Then there’s the agency. Now that’s ruined.”

“It’s not! And you are sounding so American. Why is it, when you get angry ─ ”

“I’m not angry!” she snapped as she got up and smudged lipstick all over the bottom sheet. “Forget it. Simone can buy a new one.”

“Yvonne, it’s a huge choice. But the choice has been made for you,” I said. “Choose a nationality that goes with the flow. What about ‘C’est la vie’?”

“That’s not my style. I can’t just change overnight, and I don’t want to. I liked my image, people left me alone.”

I thought about how she had just “gone along” when it came to her wedding eleven years ago, but didn’t bring it up. After all, that was a lifetime away. Also, she had told me how she had stopped playing the role as a lover a long time ago. Obviously Yvonne had changed since then. I said, “Wasn’t it lonely?”

“Wasn’t your life lonely?”

“We’re talking about you. Wouldn’t it be better to be just one person instead of two?” I said.

“No. I liked who I was. I was settled. I had respect. That’s very hard to get.”

“Then go back. Don’t smile at the next one, and I’ll hide so you can’t see me.”

She came back out and lay down on her stomach. “Draw your message, I’m ready.”

“It seems silly now,” I said, staring at the smudged hearts.

“Love usually is silly. I want to read your message,” she said.

“It’s corny.”

“I don’t care. Who will know except you and me? Come on, I want it.” Her bum wriggled impatiently.

“Okay, hold still, spell it out as I go.” I began on her lower back.

“You’ve got weird marks on your legs.” She pointed out my strange suntan marks.

“That’s my feeble attempt at a suntan. That’s how busy you’ve been…”

“Lyn, I can’t..”

“It’s a comment,” I said, pushing her back down. “You’ve been too busy to notice. It’s a comment, a fact. I understand.”

“Well, I don’t. They are on your arms as well. If you want a suntan, do it properly. Go to a tanning salon.”

“Do you?”

“If I have to. Come on, write,” she said, accompanied by more bum-wriggling. “I’m sorry I didn’t notice. I should have. It’s not like me not to notice,” she said.

“They’re very pale. I hardly notice them. It’s probably because you’re seeing me in the daylight without clothes.”

“That’s bullshit, no excuses. Draw!”

“Lie still.”

“I am!” she yelled.

“I don’t want to do it now. It’s not romantic,” I said, sitting up and putting the lipstick away.

“This happens, Lyn. In this business it happens. So much rides on such stupid things. The main thing is to never ─ or as much as we can ─ let it get in our way. Do it, okay? I’m here, I’m ready and I want it. Please.”

“God, you get to me,” I said, feeling myself being seduced.

“That’s good. Because these things happen and we need to be able to block them out and just get on with being us. I yell, I get angry. Ignore me. It blows over. It has blown over. If I smile, I smile. If I don’t, I don’t. Draw!” She heaved a large sigh.

“It’s corny. I could change it, but I won’t. This is what I was going to write, way back when we were still romantic … well, I was.” I picked up the lipstick, took off the cap and began again, my left arm around her backside and my right hand above her back. I drew.

“I,” Yvonne said after ‘I’. “L-O-V-E,” she laughed.

“It’s not what you think so can the laughter,” I said.

“Y-O-U. You! Oh, come on, be original.”

“I am! Hold still, I haven’t finished.”

“R,” she spelled out.

“New word,” I said.

“I gathered that. S-M-I-L-E. ‘I love your smile.’ Is that it?”

“Yes. Told you it was corny. But, Yvonne, you have a fantastic smile.”

“Come here. I can’t move. I’ll owe you two.”

I moved up closer.

“Everyone can smile,” she said. “There are millions of beautiful smiles out there. It’s harder not to smile.”

“I disagree,” I said. “I can’t smile.”

She backed away and cupped her chin in her hand. “What do you mean, you can’t smile? You smile all the time,” she said in disbelief.

“That’s because I’m happy. I can not force a smile. If I am not happy, I do not smile. Christ, now you’ve got me talking like you. Did you hear a French accent sneak in there? ‘I can not force a smile.’ Whatever happened to ‘I can’t’?” I said in a broad Australian accent.

“I’ve noticed that,” she laughed, wiping tears on the pillowcase. “You do pick up people’s accents.”

“I know, it’s terrible. I went to Bali once and met a couple of American guys. It was awful, I couldn’t help it. I was talking like them. One of them swore I was from New York. He said no-one could say ‘New York’ like I did and not come from New York. It was horrible, the words just came out of me with this American twang.”

“What else can you do?” she asked, still laughing.

I wasn’t laughing. It was embarrassing, picking up people’s accents. “I don’t know,” I said. “I have to hear it. If I’m watching a movie … Irish, Scottish, American. Not all accents, some American ones are really difficult. And I’m surprised I’m picking up yours.”

“Why? I’m picking up yours.”

“Yes, but English is natural to you. French isn’t for me.”

Yvonne scoffed in agreement. “I am tired,” she said, closing her eyes.

“I’ll clean you up and get you some breakfast,” I kissed her cheek before jumping off the bed.

CHAPTER 14

THE HURRICANE

ONE

Two days before the next show, I saw Yvonne popping a very small, unfamiliar pill into her mouth. We were on our way out to dinner with some friends of hers, Sally and Michael Wheaton, at their place. Yvonne said they were American. Sally was one of Yvonne’s oldest friends; they had been models together in New York; and Michael was Yvonne’s financial advisor. Now they lived in Paris. I was interested in that pill. And for another surprise, for the first time, Yvonne wore pants, black wool, with a camel-colored silk shirt, a fancy belt with a bronze elephant buckle, and flat black shoes.

“What was that pill you took? And why are you wearing pants?”

Yvonne continued down the stairs. “I gave up having people watching my every move when I was sixteen, legal and able to make my own decisions. I don’t need a mother or whatever else you are trying to be. Are you coming or not? Say now because I’m going, with or without you.” She stood very tall at the foot of the stairs, her bag over her shoulder. The taxi had just beeped. She was in a mood, not to be messed with. “I don’t keep people waiting. No one! Hurry up or I’m gone,” she said with some force.

“Fuck you!” I bellowed. “Answer me!” If anybody else had spoken to me like that, I wouldn’t still have been standing there. But I was. Because I loved her.

“In the taxi,” she said, opening the front door.

“Yvonne, I am making myself calm to do this right. Two simple questions, answer me!” I ventured down the stairs. She looked really angry.

“I’m gone,” she said when I hesitated halfway down the stairs. The front door slammed shut behind her.

TWO

I sat on the stairs for half an hour. I didn’t know it would be half an hour. I stupidly thought Yvonne would come back and apologize. But when half an hour had passed, I stood up and went into the kitchen, where I fixed myself a sandwich with roast beef, beetroot and potato salad, and took it back up. I ate alone, gazing out over Paris from the window seat. Paris, the city of lovers, where mine had just walked out on me. I put on some depressing music to keep me depressed. When I’m depressed, I don’t want to be cheered up. I want the depression to go away on its own or the reason for it to come back and apologize.

The phone rang. I expected it to be Louis. I let it ring. The only people I knew who rang here at this time of the night were Louis and Yvonne, and I didn’t feel like talking to either of them, Jane and my family. Angime, but not at this hour; they would be asleep. The phone kept ringing. Simone can answer it. But when it wouldn’t stop, I snatched it up angrily.

“Hello!” I yelled.

“If you are still interested ─”

“I am,” I said, sinking slowly down onto the bed at the sound of Yvonne’s voice.

“I have no idea why my taking pills is any of your business.”

I checked my watch. It was eight forty-five. It had taken her over an hour and forty-five minutes to call me. The bitch! “It is my business,” I said. “I am so angry with you. Where are you?” I was shaking with nerves.

“I’m at Sally and Michael’s. Where did you think I would be?”

“I don’t know, some bar,” I said, rubbing my forehead. My usual headache was teetering on the intense, painful edge of the abyss, ready to fall into the depths of oblivion that is migraine.

“Very dramatic, but not me. Okay, you ready to hear the whole, terrible story?”

“Yes, get on with it,” I snapped.

“I take the Pill. My periods are due and I don’t want them. The show is in two days so I am delaying my periods for three days. Is that all right with you? Don’t answer, I don’t care if it’s all right with you. Second question: I am wearing pants because I goddamn well felt like it! Anything else?”

“Yes. You only had your periods─”

“When I play around with the Pill, I get a very short cycle, but I can control when they are due; I’m lucky that way. If I wanted to, I could take a Pill every day and never get my periods; I know of some girls who do that. But I only take the Pill when I really have to. Anything else, again?”

“Where are you?”

“I told you!”

“No, which room?”

A slight hesitation before she answered me. “In the bedroom. Why?”

“I like to know where you are. I didn’t want to think of us having this conversation at the dinner table.”

“We’re onto dessert in the living room, dinner is over. Anything else?” she said impatiently.

“Yes. What is wrong with you?”

“Nothing. And don’t tell Mama about the pills, she’d kill me. Don’t talk about them, it’s my business.”

“You are my business. What excuse did you give?”

“The truth. I told them you were too busy talking to get your arse into the taxi, so I went without you. And since you don’t have their address, you couldn’t follow.”

“I hate you, you know that?”

“Probably. I’m tired, I’m coming home. I want this finished now. I don’t want to come home and fight.” Her voice did sound tired.

“What happened to the angry, ignore-me-when-I-yell person?”

“Stop breaking me up into different people. Will you be angry when I get home?”

“Yes! I bloody well will be!” I wasn’t shaking anymore. I had my answers and they were mostly logical. Now we were just two angry people stuck at being angry with each other.

“Well, I won’t come home, then,” she said.

“Yvonne, come here, now! Give in to me. I am so close to giving in to you. We are angry, we had a fight. I have to know that I am not the one who will be constantly giving in all the time. It’s easy to do. You love me, you want to come home. I want you to come home, so just do it. We’ll kiss, make up and make love, keep our perfect record. Yvonne, I love you so much. I really do. I…”

“Don’t go on. I’ll be home soon. I do love you, I’m just… I’m not good at some things. You have no idea how hard this is for me.”

“I know exactly how hard it is. But I also know how easy it is when it’s worth it, and, Christ, are we worth it. Just think of that. I miss you. Say it again.”

“I love you. Shut up. Why do you always make me cry? Louis never made me cry.” Now her voice trembled.

“Come home, forget dessert. Be rude and leave early. If they’re good friends, they’ll understand.”

“Oh, they understand, all right. I haven’t stopped talking about you. Sally made me call you. They’ll probably be pleased I’m leaving.”

“You couldn’t call me on your own? What were you planning to do?”

“I’m changing. How the hell would I know? I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. You have single-handedly destroyed my life.”

“Pretty good destruction.”

I heard a small laugh. “Yes, a very good destruction. I’ll be home soon. I want to talk to Sally some more. I don’t see them as much as I should. Will you be all right?”

“Sure, friends are important. I’m sorry I didn’t meet them,” I said, feeling sad for Yvonne having to be told to make the call.

“I am hanging up now.”

“Fine, do it. Hang up on me.”

“Lyn, help me. Don’t go mean on me.”

“I’m sorry. I just hate it that the phone call wasn’t your idea,” I said.

“It was! I wanted to call you straight away, but Sally told me to leave it … let you stew in your own… whatever she said.”

“Why did she do that? I thought you said she made you call.” I was confused as hell now.

“If I had called you straight away, I would have bitten your head off, and you would have done the same. Sally said... look, I don’t do this. I don’t let people tell me what to do.”

“Except your Mama, Sally and me. Go on.”

“Sort of. Well, she said… oh, fuck what she said. I should have called before. She doesn’t know you.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means that I arrived here angry as hell and told them what a rotten bitch you were. Do you think, when someone is angry, that they tell the good stories about the person they don’t like? No, I told them all the bad stories about you.”

“I haven’t got any bad stories.”

“I elaborated.”

“You must have. I can’t think of anything bad enough I’ve done.”

“No, Lyn, you are perfect, okay? You happy now?”

“Quit now, Yvonne, you’re going backwards. I’m hanging up. They’re your friends and it’s your anger. I’m going to watch a sad movie and cry my eyes out, so you do whatever you fucking well want to. You do anyway!” I slammed the phone down. I don’t think I had ever hung up on anyone like that before.

THREE

I was asleep when Yvonne arrived home. We broke our perfect record. She got into bed and went to sleep. Not a word, not a sound. Undressed in the dark, took her make-up off in the bathroom and slipped into bed. I pretended to be asleep. Maybe she pretended to be asleep, as well.

I’d always thought that when I fell in love, I would love that person so much I would be able to make the first step, seeing it from their point of view, knowing how hard it is to give in when you’re angry. But not that night. I wanted Yvonne to hold me, to kiss me. I would be damned if I would “come here” again to her. It would have been easy to roll over and kiss her. You’d think it would be easy. It was fucking impossible!

CHAPTER 15

AND THE BATTLE RAGES ON

ONE

The fourth show was a disaster. I wore my other dress, the same shoes and a different jacket, which I took off inside. The show was a huge success. The Ice Princess was back. She didn’t look at me and she never smiled.

Yvonne and I had hardly seen each other. The morning after the fight, I had stupidly expected something: a note, a bunch of flowers, a phone call. We didn’t even meet for lunch. I had two choices again. One, I could make the first move, cover her with kisses and maybe it would end, or maybe not. I was scared of the “maybe not” part, scared she might reject my kisses. My second choice was to stay angry. Yvonne angry meant she wouldn’t smile, which meant this huge decision of hers whether to smile or not to smile would be decided for her. Success, she didn’t smile.

I didn’t know what the papers said. I couldn’t read them well enough. So I didn’t know if having the Ice Princess back was a good move or not, either for Yvonne, her fame, her career or the crowd. I knew she received a huge round of applause each time she strode out. Whether they were encouraging her to smile, I didn’t know. It never occurred to me to read an English paper. I’d never heard of her so I assumed she was only famous in France. Wrong, dead wrong. She was an internationally famous supermodel who travelled the world as a jetsetter. That part I still couldn’t come to grips with, Yvonne mixing it up with the rich and famous.

TWO

I went to dinner at Claude and Peter’s the night before the show. I invited myself. I didn’t want to be home. They talked nonstop about Yvonne and her jetsetting ways, lounging beside a pool in Majorca, sipping a daiquiri, or slumming it at the beach with all the other rich and famous slummers. Summer being spent on exactly the right beach. Slicing through powdery white snow down perfect ski slopes in whatever country was the pet that particular year. Not to be forgotten, all the men she supposedly went out with. They showed me scrapbooks, newspaper cuttings and magazine articles they’d kept. Photos from every source. A huge pile. Yvonne’s history.

“She was so cold,” they said. “So aloof. Now look at her, she is smiling.”

“She’s happy,” I said, explaining her sudden transformation in two words. Deep inside, I didn’t believe it.

“But she never smiled,” Peter said. “She did a little bit with us. But since she met you, she is so changed.”

This word “changed”. Yvonne used it and now they were using it. If she’s changed, how was she before I met her? I wondered. Who was she?

“The Ice Princess.”

“Yes. But who is or was the Ice Princess?” I asked.

They didn’t know about the fight. They thought Yvonne was busy working and that I wanted to talk about the love of my life. Well, I did. But I would have preferred to do it when I knew what state our relationship was in. To me it was very rocky. I expected the this is it, had a lot of fun, time to end it speech from Yvonne any minute. Maybe that’s why I stayed away from her, to let her cool down, and me, too, for that matter.

“How has she changed?” I asked again over dinner.

“When you both came to dinner, she was so talkative and happy, smiling everywhere. She is usually… what is she?” Peter asked Claude.

“She was Yvonne, the woman who could freeze anyone out with just one look,” Claude said.

Peter smiled in agreement.

“But she’s not like that with me,” I said. If I took out the maybe three or four bad days, I wasn’t lying. And even on her bad days, she was nothing like what they were describing. They were talking about a woman who never laughed, except with them occasionally, never smiled, was totally professional, never joked around, took life very seriously and never, even to Peter and Claude, talked about herself. Her private life, they didn’t know about. They’d been very surprised when she rang Peter weeks before and said she had someone very special for them to meet. And the way she was that night…

“Kissing you, laughing with us all. Sitting on your lap.”

Peter and Claude were so happy for Yvonne. But I thought that was normal. I thought that was who she was.

“If she doesn’t talk about herself to you two,” I said, “then who does she talk to?”

They both shrugged. I was growing very weary of these famous French shrugs.

“She has other friends,” Peter said. “I suppose she talks to them.”

Claude made a disbelieving face and scoffed.

“What does that mean?” I asked him.

He shrugged again. “We have known Yvonne for many years, she knows she can trust us with anything. If she had something to tell, she would tell us.”

“And she did,” Peter piped in. “She told us about you.”

THREE

I was very discouraged. I needed Yvonne, the person in question, to talk to. Not other people who thought they knew, but Yvonne, straight from the horse’s mouth. I waited for her outside the show, as usual. But because we hadn’t talked about it and Yvonne hadn’t left me a note, I didn’t have a designated spot. And it wasn’t raining… a bad sign. The weather was cool so I was wearing a new jacket, a darker lilac than the dress. I felt a little like a popsicle, dressed as I was, all in one color.

I wandered around, couldn’t sit still. This was make or break time. The shows were over, life would hopefully return to some semblance of order. I smiled at my choice of words. “Semblance”. If I had used a word like that in front of Yvonne, she would have stopped me right there and raced over to the English dictionary I had given her to look it up. I had tried to explain words I used that she didn’t understand, but it was hard. To me it was simple. If I said it, then I knew what it meant. Every single day words pop out of people’s mouths with never a thought as to how they happened to be there in the first place or where they’re going. I would end up in such a tangle trying to explain words to Yvonne and could only give up in my own bewilderment.

Yvonne was completely fluent in English, no problem, but fluent doesn’t necessarily mean a person is a walking encyclopedia. She probably fared better with those in the more highbrow section because she heard them more often and they were often much easier to explain, and Yvonne enjoyed learning new words and phrases. In French, her native tongue, she could explain and understand anything, but not so in English. So Yvonne was learning words from me and I was learning the exact meanings of the words I’d been casually tossing out, if I could remember how to spell them correctly.

Someone handed me a note. It said, I’m going on to a party, end-of-season party. If you want to come, the address is─

I scrunched the note up and threw it away. It only had an address. No love, no name. I found a taxi and went home.

FOUR

I figured I could pack and be gone in about two minutes, if I had to. But I didn’t want to. Couples have fights all the time, don’t they? God, I didn’t want to be around this angry person. I wanted a relationship without fights. I wanted to be unusual, to be a non-arguing couple. I couldn’t think of one. Before Yvonne’s flare up, we were that. What happened? Should I take it personally or was Yvonne just being herself and I was copping the fallout of her own angry life? She had a whole world to deal with. Why should our fights be always personal? She has a right to come home and get angry at life and take it out on me. That’s what lovers are for, to be there for the good and the bad. This was the bad. Ride it out.

FIVE

The time was three fifteen a.m. The apartment was very dark. The moon, if there was one, was completely hidden behind clouds, and the autumn night air was more than just cool, it was downright chilly. Not in bed, though. I had a thick woollen blanket over me. Simone or Yvonne must have dragged it out because I’d found it neatly on the bed, all tucked in, ready to go, after I arrived home from the park. Not only did I find the blanket, but I also found no-one was home.

Curled up on my side, pretending to be asleep, I heard Yvonne stumble around, turn the bathroom light on, get undressed, turn it off and slip into bed. This all sounds very quick and quiet, but it wasn’t. She was in that bathroom for at least twenty-five minutes, doing God knows what. And I knew how long it was because I could see my watch. She had forgotten to close the bathroom door properly, leaving a shaft of light across my face and the watch. I wondered what on earth she was doing in there. I heard her use the toilet and the bidet. Then I heard a clattering sound. I tried to put an object or an image to each sound, but it was impossible. In between there was silence and I wondered if she’d suddenly dropped dead and I should rush in there and save her. My heart would go on stall until I heard another clatter thing, and the cycle would begin again. Then, the finale, she got into bed and then… nothing!

“I’m awake.” I couldn’t leave it alone.

“I’m not,” she said.

“Yvonne. I hate this. I need to know ─”

“What, Lyn? Why be so dramatic? I am tired and I am going to sleep. We can talk in the morning.”

“No, that’s not good enough. Come here and kiss me.”

“No, tomorrow,” she said, tugging more of the blanket around herself.

“Now, Yvonne! Come here, now! You owe me two!” I said firmly.

“I don’t know why you have to keep dragging this out. It was a fight, nothing major.”

“Yvonne, shut up and kiss me.”

She rolled over, fumbled around in the dark, found my mouth and kissed it. We made love. I don’t know who had given in, I was just grateful that it was over, I hoped. We groaned and climaxed and even laughed, then settled down to sleep, wrapped in each other’s arms.

“Is it over?” I whispered.

“Sleep,” she said.

CHAPTER 16

SLEEPING BEAUTY

ONE

Feeling groggy, still tired, I was awake first. I hadn’t slept at all before Yvonne arrived home at three fifteen, so I had just as much excuse to be as tired as she was. Her face was scrubbed clean, her hair smelled of goop and she was gorgeous. I snuggled close to her, not worrying about waking her, as it was nine thirty, late, for Yvonne.

I assumed she didn’t have to work, that she would have some time off now that the shows were over. That proves how much Yvonne discussed her bookings with me. I lay there, looking at the wonderful sunny day outside, not knowing what Yvonne’s plans were for the day, tomorrow, next week or next month. I kissed her face gently, stroked her back with my fingertips, but she didn’t stir, and I could detect no sign at all that she was planning to wake up in the very near future. She was down for the count.

She smelled of alcohol, and she had made more clattering noises than usual last night. When we’d made love, her mouth had tasted of toothpaste, but her body had tasted of cigarettes, sweat and other people. I wanted to kiss her through her hair, but it reeked. She rolled away from me; I had disturbed her. I snaked down and kissed her backside. I licked her, tasting the sweetness between her legs. I slipped a finger inside her vagina and my left hand found her left breast. I slowly built her up, and myself. Her nipple grew hard, but she was unconscious. Whatever she was responding to was subconscious. I kissed her back slowly, working my way up to her shoulders, until my head broke free from the bedclothes. I stretched out behind her; she lay mostly on her side. I kept playing with her breast and now I kissed the back of her neck, with her mass of hair pushed to the side.

The phone rang, then stopped abruptly. Yvonne woke up, rolled onto her back ─ shoving me out of the way ─ her eyes closed, stretching. I lay on top of her, kissed her face, moved my body over hers, touching my breasts to hers and rubbing myself against her. She had her head turned to one side. I gathered up her hair and spread it out above her, then attacked her exposed ear with my mouth and tongue.

She jumped, squirmed and muttered something deliciously French. Her arms encircled me, her hands crawled down to my backside and helped me grind ourselves together. She turned her head towards mine, eyes still closed. I kissed her on the mouth. Her breath stank. I shifted down to her breasts with my mouth and hands. She squirmed slightly, small encouraging groans breaking out of her. I was the one that was nearly ready. I was busting out of myself to climax.

Shifting myself up the bed, I ground my thigh between her legs while positioning my right breast just above her mouth. My nipple, hard as a rock, but so exquisitely sensitive and tuned into the song of the moment, flitted across her lips, till she opened up and sucked it, ran her tongue around it. She played my nipple like it was a hard candy being tossed around inside her mouth, grinding it between her teeth, flicking it with the tip of her tongue. My body was going crazy.

I lowered myself, her mouth opening wide to accommodate my breast. I took her right hand and placed it between my legs. I had to help her; she was fumbling. My vagina was sopping wet and so hot it was nearly unbearable. Yvonne woke up enough to shift her mouth and wonderful tongue to my left breast, which instantly went into its own world of delight. Her right hand between my legs was a bit sleepy. I held it in my left and helped her guide her fingers in and out while I rubbed my own clitoris with my right hand. Yvonne’s eyes were still closed when I climaxed, shuddering and gasping above her. I rolled off. She followed, rolling with me, I held her in my arms and we both went back to sleep.

TWO

I woke up much later, after twelve. Yvonne lay asleep behind me. She was lying so close to me her body was shaped like mine, touching mine wherever it possibly could. I liked the cooler weather, we could cuddle closer. But… we hadn’t solved our problems, our fight. We had just made love, but was everything now back to normal? I was busting to go to the loo, but I hated to leave this wonderful closeness. Yvonne couldn’t have been any closer to me, she was so close. Last night, I thought I would have to leave and now I was in Wonderland. I held her free hand in mine and kissed her fingers. The hand around my breast moved slightly, squishing my nipple. Yvonne was beginning to wake up. I heard her sighing and felt her stretch. I continued to kiss her hand, her fingers, the palm of her hand.

She pulled her hand free from my kisses, pushed my hair away from my face and kissed my ear, licked it, breathed into it, sent shivers down my spine. Yvonne could feel my shivers and my slight squirm against her own skin, which was pressed hard against mine as she followed my movements with her own. Yvonne aroused me so quickly and I hadn’t even seen her face. Her hand dived down to between my legs. I climaxed in a minute. Yvonne’s hands and mouth kept me going, burning into me, burying my flesh back into my own body, deliciously grinding my clitoris around, wet from her fingers. My ear (God, my ear) received the works, the hot breath, the tongue, the mouth, all wet and sloppy. I climaxed for so long, so very long.

Yvonne slid her wet fingers inside my mouth, and I closed my mouth around them and sucked them. She kissed my cheek before pulling her arm out from under my neck and moving her body away from mine. Then she gently nudged me flat under her and kissed me on the mouth. Her breath was horrible. She rubbed herself against me, stretched out on me, her whole body moving on top of mine. I could feel her hard nipples, her wet clitoris and her flat stomach sliding over me. Suddenly, her mouth left mine as she climaxed, gasping and groaning above me, and before she was completely through, her hands were on my shoulders, pushing me down.

I slid under her, rolled her over and buried my mouth between her legs. I sucked her hard. Her legs were wide open to me, welcoming me in. She rode my mouth, rocking her hips and legs as if she was being fucked, with my mouth and tongue jammed in solid, keeping her going.

She groaned loudly, sighed, climaxed again, with her hands dug deep into my hair, shoving my mouth into her. Her body tensed up, arching up. She groaned again and lay quiet. I curled up, laid my head on her stomach, with her legs open around me, draped over my shoulders and down my back. I kissed her stomach, ran my hands over her silky skin. She lay motionless, her eyes closed, her hair all over the place, over the pillow, over her face. She was a mess and looked fantastic. Even a night out on the booze couldn’t curb her looks. Couldn’t she ever look bad? Forget the good side, all I could feel at the moment was the bad side of being in love with a beautiful woman. I wanted her to look a little worse for wear, like me. And I hadn’t gone anywhere!

THREE

Donning a shirt out of respect for, and fear of, Simone suddenly walking in on me, I made us coffee and stared at the fresh croissants sitting on the kitchen table. Yvonne could eat croissants. Technically, I could not. They had white flour and live yeast in them, two of my no-noes. But I wanted one! My mouth salivated and my tummy gurgled for just one, or maybe two. I had been so good lately on my yeast-free diet, and I went for it. I heated them up and walked back upstairs with a tray.

Yvonne still lay on her back, nothing covering her, her legs the way I’d left them, open. She smelt the coffee and slowly rolled over to me as I put the tray down on the bedside table. She curled her body around mine, hugging me to her.

“This is great,” I said. “No talking about our fight, we just go to the make love part.” Her body was spread out before me. She was like a coiled snake, a boa constrictor, ready to crush me to death. I sipped my coffee carefully, then put the mug down. “Are you going to speak?” I asked, looking down at her face, which was buried in my lap, her hair covering her eyes. I couldn’t tell if they were open or closed. Normally, this would have been very sexual. Her head was nearly touching her knees. Everywhere I looked, I saw Yvonne. “Yvonne, are you going to talk?” I asked again, pushing the mass of hair away to find her face.

“Why are you always wearing clothes?” Her first words.

“Do you want coffee?” I asked.

She opened her eyes and looked up at me. Then she laughed. “Don’t be so serious, it’s over. The fight is over,” she said, sitting up enough on an elbow to reach for her coffee. “Oh, God, I love coffee,” she groaned with pleasure. She put her mug down and settled back down on me.

I picked up a croissant and fed her, the way she had fed me that first morning we were together. I broke bits off and popped them into her open, ready mouth. “How was last night?” I asked her.

“Mmm, okay,” she said, and swallowed. “You could have come. I wanted you to.”

I popped another piece of croissant into her open mouth and leant back on my pillow against the brick wall. She chewed while I fed myself and sipped my coffee. I wished I could just leave it, but the fight was still with me and I didn’t relish my croissants the way I would have liked. They were just food, the food that I wasn’t supposed to be eating. I felt guilty for eating them, which I resented, and I had post-fight blues that hadn’t been resolved properly, because I wasn’t sure why we had fought in the first place.

“Lyn,” she said, squeezing my leg a little to gain my full attention.

“Mmm?”

“I wanted you to come to the party.”

“I don’t know those people. I like to meet people one at a time. You know I don’t like parties.”

Suddenly, she jumped up, scrambled over the top of me and fled for the bathroom.

“Are you okay?” I listened for signs of trouble.

“My periods. Did I bleed?”

I couldn’t see any blood. “No,” I called.

“False alarm,” she called. “It was just my full bladder. Good thing I didn’t dream about going to the toilet.”

I waited till the flushing of the toilet and the noise of the bidet and the washing of her hands to finish before asking, “Why?”

She came back out, put a pair of underpants on and said, “Don’t you dream about going to the toilet after a night of drinking, and get scared you might actually be doing it for real?”

“I used to.”

Yvonne was back in bed, under the covers, sipping her lukewarm coffee. “A friend of mine actually did it,” she said. “She was telling me last night. Thought she had got up, but wet the bed instead. I made sure I went to the toilet before coming to bed last night.”

“Talking about last night,” I said, but Yvonne shot straight across my bow. “Can I eat some more? I’m really hungry. And I am allowed two cups of coffee after a night out.” Then she drained her coffee mug to prove how empty it was.

“Fine. I’ll have another one, too,” I said, even tapping the bottom of my upended mug above my open mouth with the palm of my hand for added emphasis.

“Oh, go on, Lyn, I’m tired. This is my day off,” she whined.

“What happened to the Ice Princess? The woman who can turn any person to a block of ice with one steely glance?” I mocked.

“She had too much to drink, didn’t eat enough…”

“And lost her accent.”

“Did I?” she said seriously, jokingly seriously, and groaned when she laughed. “Take pity on me. Feed me and love me,” she said, looking up at me with sorrowful eyes.

“You are such an actress!” I exclaimed, and turned away.

“It’s not acting,” she said. “I’m hung-over!”

“How did you lose your accent?” I asked.

“I must have talked to non-French people, I suppose. Please!” she whined.

“Oh, okay!” I said quickly, only to shut up that pathetic please!

FOUR

Courtesy of my traipsing up and down the stairs, we both had more coffee, a bowl of cereal each and more croissants. It was lunchtime, I’d already blown it, why not more? Yvonne certainly milked this hangover for all it was worth. I ended up making three trips up and down those stairs for all the food and liquids she required, and I fetched her her Mama’s pills, which included two special anti-hangover ones, and two glasses of cold water, which meant two trips to the bar fridge, plus remembering to take my own pills, courtesy of Mama. I swallowed about seven pills a day and Yvonne about fifteen.

“How come you get more vitamins than me?” I asked. “I’m the one on the recovery list, not you.”

“Mama won’t give you anything more than the basics until she’s seen you personally. It’s like seeing a doctor. Actually, Mama is a doctor. She prefers to be a natural therapist now, though. So she can’t prescribe anything until she sees you. You are only taking vitamins and minerals, nothing special.”

“And what are you taking?” I asked.

“I haven’t a clue. I just take them. Each time I see her, she gives me different ones and tells me when to take them and which ones to stop,” she said, sipping slowly at the last of her coffee.

“What sort of doctor is she?” I asked.

“Was. Don’t mention it to her. She’s given up medicine. She was a children’s doctor.”

“Pediatrics,” I said. Yvonne nodded. “Why did she give it up?”

“Prefers the natural side, not the traditional side,” she said, passing me her empty mug. She works with a true genius when it comes to natural therapy. Together, they make up their own concoctions. I think I’m their number one guinea pig. They must be safe for Mama to give them to me.”

I put Yvonne’s mug down on the bedside table next to me, along with the tray of empty bowls and plates. Yvonne lay on her side, facing me, her back to most of the apartment. We seemed to have worked out that Yvonne slept closest to the phone, not that she ever answered it, and I slept closest to the bathroom.

“Why doesn’t your Mama combine both?” I asked. “Kids and natural?”

“Don’t tell anyone,” Yvonne said quietly and seriously.

“I won’t,” I said, scrunching down in the bed. We were being secretive about something.

“Mama lost a kid and it affected her badly.”

“What happened?”

“It was after I left home. I don’t know anything about it. One day she was a doctor, on call twenty-four hours a day, and when I came home, she wasn’t. Mama’s very, very private. She won’t discuss it.”

I held Yvonne’s hand, and I squeezed it lightly. “Unlike you.”

“We discuss things,” she said, looking hurt.

“That was a knee-jerk reaction,” I said. “Claude and Peter told me all about how private you are.”

“Mama’s worse, much worse than me. She just refuses to talk about lots of things. I told you I have no idea why my father left us and Mama refuses to talk about it. My own father and I can’t even mention his name, and there aren’t any photos of him. She is really bad. I am extremely close to her, closer than most daughters, but she won’t talk to anyone about it. My father, why she’s not a doctor, what she does with her life. She’s always been like that. Her life is her life, no-one asks her any more.”

“Sounds familiar,” I said.

“It works for her. I never planned to be like her and I’m not really. I just choose who I talk to. Claude and Peter are great friends, but I don’t discuss everything with them.”

“According to them, you don’t talk about yourself at all, so what do you talk about with them?”

“The weather, politics, other people ─ we talk a lot about other people ─ everything but me.”

“Who do you talk to about you, then?”

Our hands played together.

“I have different people for different discussions,” she said. “What about you?”

“Me?” I laughed. “I’m easy, an open book. I don’t have anything to hide. What’s your Mama’s name?”

“Louise.”

“You know you said you loved me the other night on the phone.” Talking about her Mama’s privacy was saddening to Yvonne. I didn’t want to see her sad so I simply changed the subject.

“I said the words, they are easy to say. Meaning them is another thing.”

“We’re back to movie talk again,” I said.

Yvonne gave half a smile and curled my hair back behind my ear.

“That’s what started all this,” I said, bringing her hand to my lips and kissing it.

“Started what?” she joked. She knew very well.

“How come we get on so well?” I said, feeling as if I had just been hit by a small bolt of amazement.

“It’s one of those things that has to be,” she said very seriously.

“If you mean that, why can’t you honestly believe we’re in love, then?”

“Lyn, baby, I do believe we are in love, deeply in love, with a lot of sex thrown in. But I don’t believe in…” She stopped talking. She couldn’t find the words to express what was messing around in her head, and I could see the obvious discomfort this caused her.

“Have you ever felt like this before?” I asked, trying to gain some insight into where she was with us.

“I have, yes. And it’s always ended up badly. When sex is great and easy, it’s hard to know what comes first… the sex or the love, or both.” Her voice matched the tiredness in her eyes, and I believed everything she said until she suddenly became agitated and blurted out, “No, I haven’t felt like this before.” Her fingers ran repeatedly around my ear, her elbow resting on my pillow.

“This is new for me, Yvonne. I’ve never felt like this.”

“I know you haven’t. That’s why it’s easier for you. I can’t just trust you and put everything into you, and yet I am. My words are the exact opposite of my feelings and my actions sometimes. I love you more than I ever thought possible. I gave up looking for the perfect partner a long time ago. My work, a few friends and uncomplicated sex, that was it for me. I don’t want anything more than that and yet I have so much more, right here now, with you. Isn’t that enough?”

“Yes,” I sighed. I felt it was, but needed to explain my feelings to her. “It’s the fights and you… you have so much experience. When I look at you sometimes, it’s just us, and then I remember you’re married, have been since you were twenty-one, three days shy of twenty-two, you’ve had heaps of lovers, this is your country and you’re famous. Shit! I’d be crazy not to freak out sometimes. And,” I said, looking her right in her eye, “who you are here isn’t the same as there. Forget all that Ice Princess crap. How dare you give me a note. Why didn’t you come out in person?”

“I was busy,” she said, shrugging her shoulders. “A note was better than nothing.”

“Not good enough.”

“I was extremely busy, Lyn. This was the last show, people were everywhere, and, frankly, I didn’t want to see you out there. I was still angry. You were awake when I came home from Sally and Michael’s and you didn’t say anything. I’m not angry now, but you were.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” I snapped back at her.

“I said I’m not angry now. Don’t start again, talk rationally.”

“Rationally? You want me to talk rationally to you? The most irrational person I have ever met!” I said, staring at her in disbelief.

“I’m sorry I was angry,” she said. “Why didn’t you talk to me? I told you to ignore me when I get angry.”

“I was playing possum,” I said uneasily.

“What does that mean?”

“An Australian term; I was pretending to be asleep. I didn’t know what to say.”

“You had plenty to say last night,” she fired back.

“I was anxious about you.” Feeling hurt and left out, I said in a small voice, “You still haven’t talked about the party.”

“It was a great party,” she said cheerfully. “I hardly get a chance to see a lot of these people. I work with them and then they move on and so do I. It was fun.”

“Well, that’s great. No, really. I’m glad. This isn’t coming out right.” My words were all mixed up with my emotions. “I told you I wouldn’t mess with your work and I have. What about the Ice Princess? I can’t read the papers.”

“Ian says to ignore it.”

“Who’s Ian?”

“My agent, in Monaco,” she said, as if I should know. I nodded. She’d told me where he lived, but not his name. I always found out things so late.

“How come you listen to him?” I asked.

“He lives in Monaco. If he hears anything, he lets me know. He’s a good monitor, he has ears everywhere. I trust him. One of the few people I do. So if he hears anything huge, he tells me. Otherwise I ignore it. Nothing huge came of this. And since I didn’t smile last night, it’s back to business,” she said simply.

“You spoke to him last night? When?”

“He sent a fax.”

I looked around us. “Where’s the fax machine? And I didn’t hear the phone ring.”

“The fax is in a cubby-hole beneath the stairs and there’s no ring; it’s silent. Only Ian has the number. I told you I faxed him my contracts.”

“I thought… I don’t know what I though. But,” I said, trying to comprehend, “what are the press doing? Aren’t they out there, wanting to know why you smiled?” I said, pointing to the windows.

Yvonne was quite calm. “They don’t know where I live. They are probably harassing Louis,” she laughed. “Really, I don’t read them. I read the first one only to see if the show went off all right. The press, I don’t read what they write. Ian lets me know if something is getting too hot, and I rang him yesterday, and he faxed me last night. He doesn’t talk much. He’s English. Said the weather was fine, asked how it was here,” she smiled.

“Sort of spy talk,” I said.

“No. He just refuses to talk about anything that isn’t worth discussing.”

“You, your mother and now Ian,” I said. “You’re all privacy freaks!”

“It’s part of my job, and Mama has her own reasons … don’t ask me what they are. And Ian, I don’t know. That’s why I like him. He doesn’t react to things unless they are very important and my smiling obviously wasn’t and isn’t. End of story, okay?”

“What made you angry?” I asked.

Yvonne was out of bed, heading for the bathroom. “I can’t remember,” she said. “Life makes me angry, people make me angry.”

“Could you clean your teeth while you’re in there?” I called.

“Why? Does my breath stink?”

“Yes. I assume we aren’t going out today.”

“Have you got your list of romantic places to see?”

I sat up. “Are you serious?”

“Not today. Tomorrow, maybe. How many have we got to see?”

“About eight.”

“God,” she groaned. I could hardly hear her.

“You better wear your hat, the black one. Disguise yourself. I really want to see them with you.” I was insistent.

“We will if the weather is okay. Tomorrow, maybe, not today. I’m not going anywhere today, except from here to where you are … if you are still in bed.” The toilet flushed.

“I am,” I called.

“Good.”

CHAPTER 17

TOURIST SEASON

ONE

Yvonne had five days off before she was due to start work on a photographic shoot. Much to her annoyance the weather was fabulous. She was a bit grumpy at having to visit the eleven sights on my list.

“I thought you said there were right,” she complained when I told her again how many there were. This had been preceded by, “Lyn, how many have we seen?”

“Um, oh, I’m not sure. They’re all scratched off.”

“Well, how many have we left to see?”

“Um, oh…”

“How many, Lyn?”

“Um, about five… I think.”

“Count the ones that are scratched off. How many have we seen?”

“Gee, it’s really hard to see.”

“Lyn!”

“About… let me see… six, maybe.”

With none of these conversations being held at the same time, or in the same place, if I could manage it.

But now the new, improved figure was out.

“God, you have a good memory,” I said. “You were hung-over and in the bathroom when I told you that.”

TWO

We sat at an outdoor cafe, having a well-earned break. Yvonne massaged my sore feet. She wore her black hat and sunglasses, and her very recognizable, fabulous hair tied back in a ponytail. She looked even sexier.

“You make me so angry,” I said.

“Why?” She gagged on her sandwich.

“You look better all the time! Why can’t I have one day off from being the rotten-looking one?”

“One of us has to be good-looking,” she said, smiling broadly. “Eat,” she mumbled, her mouth full of sandwich, and gesturing at my plate.

“I’m not hungry.”

“Why? You aren’t putting on any weight at all,” she said, peering over the top of her sunglasses at my half-eaten salad sandwich, then my figure, especially my chest.

“Don’t,” I said, covering my chest with my arms.

“I like them small,” she said, still eating.

“So do I. Don’t look at them like that.”

“Why are you grumpy? You wanted to do this,” she said, frowning at me and rubbing my aching left ankle.

“Because you aren’t enjoying yourself,” I said, frowning back at her.

“Yes, I am. I just don’t want anyone to recognize me. I’ll be better. I’ve seen them all before.”

“Not with me you haven’t,” I said, then added, “I’ll eat if you’ll perk up.”

“Take off one of my ‘come here’s and you’ve got yourself a deal,” she said.

“No. One bargain per customer,” I said with a straight face, even though I thought that Yvonne was confused. In my mind, she only had one “come here” left that she owed me. She had used up a biggy the other night after the end-of-season fashion show party, when I had practically ordered her to “shut up and kiss me”, which, to my mind, was an alternative form of “come here”, and she had, and we had made love, which put us back onto another perfect record, after a two-day lay off.

“I finish this sandwich,” I continued, “and eat all my dinner, within reason, and you smile. No-one will recognize you if you smile and be happy. Enjoy my romantic visit to Paris. I only get one virginal tour. Agree?”

Yvonne swallowed, took a large sip of her iced coffee (apparently, iced coffee didn’t count in the real coffee, two-cups-a-day deal) and said, “Plus breakfast and lunch tomorrow.”

“Why not throw in dinner as well?” I joked.

“You’ll have to anyway,” she said, and gulped the last of her drink.

I waited for her to explain this mysterious meal we were due to have. Yvonne loved to keep me dangling like this. My arms remained crossed over my chest and my frown returned. She wiped her mouth on a clean napkin, prolonging the explanation, and smiled at me, smugly.

I slid my feet off her lap, put my sandals back on and finished my iced coffee before returning to my sandwich. I wasn’t about to finish my lunch, the first part of our deal, until I knew my fate, and I wasn’t on a caffeine hit list. Apart from my yeast-free diet, which was quite questionable at this stage, I could eat and drink whatever I liked. The more calories, the better, as far as Yvonne was concerned, and the only other addition to this was for it to be healthy; no garbage, for either of us.

Yvonne knew the meaning of garbage when it came to food and avoided it with as much fervor as I did. She was a health nut, born and raised. Dieting wasn’t a fad with her, it was a way of life, and not just in the waistline, but in the energy, sparkle and zest for life that keeps models modeling, on and on through the years.

Cameras pick up everything: that greasy bucket of chips you had for lunch yesterday, that ice-cream filled with artificial colorings, flavorings and preservatives. All the garbage that, if you had even a hint of fat on you, leads to the dreaded and most feared of all words a model doesn’t want to hear… cellulite! That’s what happens to garbage, and that’s precisely what was not going to happen to Yvonne. She was damn sure of that.

As far as my health was concerned, I felt better, hadn’t had a major headache since our fight and no symptoms of thrush. I still felt a bit tired and run down, but it was early days. Yvonne and I both made sure I received plenty of rest after a long day, and we sat down a lot in between walking here and there. Yvonne was really great. She didn’t push me at all about how tired I was or that I had to sit and rest. I would just sit and no explanation was needed. Louise, her mother, must have really explained chronic fatigue syndrome to her or else Yvonne was just naturally good to me. I didn’t care. I loved the attention, and I think Yvonne enjoyed giving it.

And she enjoyed being out with me. It was just the people. I still didn’t understand back then how dangerous it was for her to be roaming around anywhere, unprotected. I don’t think she really knew either. Some days were okay. Then, one day, someone would recognize her and it would spoil it for us. They didn’t just smile and leave us alone. They wanted an autograph and a picture. Yvonne just said no and walked off. The tourist spots were the worst places for her to go. I knew that, but I really wanted to see Paris with her, so she took the chance and persisted with my list of eleven sights.

“Where are we going?” I asked as Yvonne paid the bill.

“To a restaurant, a fancy one. You can wear one of your dresses.”

“I don’t like this, Yvonne. I don’t like being spoken to like this. Who is going to be there?” I asked very suspiciously.

“You and me,” she said with a big smile on her face, then leant across the table and kissed me on the mouth, holding her hat on with her hand.

“Why tomorrow night and why the secrecy?” I asked.

“No secrecy, I booked it this morning,” she said, standing up to leave.

I remained seated and looked up. She put out her hand, but I didn’t move out of my chair. I folded my arms across my chest again, my sandwich all finished, my first part of the deal accomplished. “We don’t go to fancy restaurants,” I said. “I’m uncomfortable in them. I did my bit. I went and saw, now I’m normal again. Jeans and T-shirt time.”

Yvonne sat down again, leaned right up close and said, “It’s a special occasion. A romantic dinner, just you and me. You have to dress up to get in.”

“Is this the place you were going to take me to before?”

“Good Lord, no!” she laughed. “This is much fancier.”

“What? Why?” I said, visibly upset by this news.

“It’s our anniversary,” she said. I couldn’t think how long it had been. Yvonne could see me mentally calculating days and weeks. “It’s been seven weeks tomorrow,” she said, and slipped her hand in mine.

I picked up my bag, swung it over my shoulder and stood up with her as I rolled my shorts back down my thighs; I had been catching some sun while sitting. “Why seven weeks?” I asked. Yvonne led me to our next sight.

“Because I was busy for six and five and four.”

“That’s so sweet,” I said, sliding my arm around her waist.

“I haven’t had time for much else,” she said, “and the next few months aren’t going to be much different. We have to squeeze it in when we can.”

“How come you leave so early in the morning?” I asked. “I thought models slept till noon because they’ve been partying all night.”

“I start early so I can fit in two or three jobs a day. I’m working hard so I can save up for the agency.”

“That makes sense,” I said.

We walked up the steps to one of my favourite sights. I’d seen it from the outside many times, but wanted to wait for Yvonne before going in. The Basilica of Sacré-Coeur in Montmartre. It was wonderful, very romantic. So white.

“I don’t even remember the date we met,” I said.

Yvonne had her arm around my shoulders. “It was June the ninth. Five weeks before Bastille Day.”

“That’s romantic,” I said sarcastically. “Coinciding our anniversary with a prison break.”

“It was romantic, you kissed me,” she laughed, and ran up the steps.

I walked up slowly.

Yvonne had her camera out. I poked my tongue out at her. She took another one when I was smiling at her and closer to the camera. I was tired and had to sit down; it was a long climb up.

“See, you can smile,” she said as she changed the film in the camera.

“I hate you,” I said, breathing hard and sweating.

“Give it time. You are so much better than when I first met you. You got tired just walking to the bathroom back then.”

“Is that why we stayed in the apartment for two weeks?” I asked, shielding my eyes from the sun with my hand.

“I thought you wanted to,” she said, sitting down beside me on the bench.

“I thought it was your idea. It was your apartment.”

“But you never said you wanted to go out. You wanted to stay in,” she insisted.

I looked away for a second before saying, “I did because you wanted to. Didn’t you want to?”

“I was taking it from you. You started it.”

“Started what?” I asked, shifting on the bench.

This was really interesting. Yvonne had the same expression on her face as mine, total bewilderment. “The kissing and staying in bed. Being naked all the time,” she said. “I thought that was what you wanted.”

“Yvonne, this is your home, not mine,” I said, absolutely flabbergasted.

“What does that have to do with it?” she said, glaring at me, not angrily, just more confused, and thinking I was picking on her country.

“I went along with you. This is Paris,” I said, now with my hands out, flapping them around. My brother, Jeff, always said he thought I had some Italian blood in me, the way I spoke with my hands. “I thought it was… what the hell is going on here?” I said, very confused, my hands now on my hips.

Yvonne smiled, put her arm around my shoulders and hugged me. “I was following you,” she said sweetly.

“How could you have followed me when I have never done this before?”

Yvonne laughed. “I don’t know. But you sure fooled me. I thought you knew exactly what you were doing. I thought you were an expert. I didn’t know what was going on.”

“You?” I nearly jumped off the bench. “You were as cool as ice. You were so natural … lying around naked, eating lunch at the table naked.”

“Naked is nothing. I’m talking about the sex and how easy it all was for us. I was keeping up with you. You started everything.”

“Wait a minute,” I said, slowing this conversation down and pinpointing one important fact. “When I came out of the bathroom the next morning, you were naked!” I nearly yelled.

“So were you, and it was too hot for clothes and you had pushed the sheet off!” she nearly yelled back.

We both sat back, thinking our own thoughts. People streamed past us, in both directions, up and down the steps. I couldn’t see Yvonne’s eyes for her sunglasses. She couldn’t see mine, either, for the same reason. We were still holding hands.

“I was doing what I wanted,” I began slowly, “and then it became … well, it sort of all followed on,” I said, my free hand slicing slowly though the air in front of us, in a sort of tidal motion.

Yvonne pursed her lips, very French, and shrugged her shoulders. “In the taxi? And before that at the party?” she said.

“We both went crazy then,” I said quickly.

“We couldn’t help it,” she said.

“Exactly!” I said, and paused a little. “What did you feel at first? Because I was nearly sick the way I felt. My stomach was churning.”

“I felt fine, just so hot and sexy.”

“Didn’t your legs go weak?”

“No, did yours?”

“Yes, very weak. I was a mess. An insane, mad, sex-crazed mess. No wonder you got confused. I was confusing myself. No, actually, my body was completely clear on what it felt and wanted. I went along with my body and it wanted you.”

“Where was your brain?”

“Gone, poof! Out the window. First time in my life, total shutdown. It was great,” I laughed, but sobered up very quickly with my next thought. “Thank God you were you,” I said with my hand on my heart. “You could have been a serial killer or, worse, had AIDS. We still haven’t checked that.”

“I think we followed a body, no brain and a combination of…”

“I told myself to shut up and enjoy. For the first time in my life I was enjoying sex. What were you going to say?”

Yvonne smiled, enjoying our look back. “I followed your lead and you were following your sexual instincts.”

“Yes. But I did make us leave the party before we actually did have sex in that room with all those people watching us. That was more than you did. And I didn’t know anyone except Jane. You had more to lose than I did.”

Yvonne squeezed my hand, leaned towards me, holding her hat on with her free hand, and we kissed, our sunglasses clinking together. “I don’t know,” she said, straightening up and checking to see if anyone was likely to bother us.

“What if I hadn’t stopped us? Pulled us away from that wall we were stuck on?” I asked, but she wasn’t listening to me. She was concentrating on the crowd, concerned about us sitting in one spot for too long.

At Notre Dame, Yvonne had said, “Keep moving,” when people were on the verge of recognizing her; they had that definite haven’t-I-seen-you-somewhere-before look in their eyes. Yvonne had to keep propelling me on with her hand on the small of my back. Notre Dame, I was enthralled by it all, and kept stopping to look up and around at all this ancient splendor, constantly slowing down at some wondrous old sight. The massively high vaulted ceilings. The many small congregations tucked away in alcoves with their own altars. All the different chairs and benches that made up the many different pews. The main chapel and all its finery and grandeur. The many differently styled stained-glass windows. The vastness of it all. It was huge! I’d never been in such a monstrous building before. And all the while Yvonne’s hands and words kept moving me on.

I was exhausted by the long and arduous climb to the top of the bell tower. I sat on Yvonne’s lap and had a rest. There weren’t any seats up there. Great view. We were so high up! Yvonne snapped some terrific shots of Paris from up there. And the gargoyles fascinated me. Yvonne just plunked herself down on the narrow ledge and held her hand out to me. I sat on her sideways and leaned back against her. She held me like a baby in her arms for five minutes until I was strong enough for the ever-more-arduous climb back down. Yvonne had muscle and flesh to protect her from the hard ground. All I had was skin and some very poor flesh and bone. I would have been very uncomfortable sitting on that hard ground. But lying back on Yvonne was like being in an armchair that breathed. We must have looked strange up there. Two women together, so physically close.

I closed my eyes and had a little nap. I didn’t care about anything back then, just Yvonne holding me. I trusted her so much; she was incredible. She understood I needed to rest, saw there wasn’t a seat so she made one for me from herself, on a dirty, open-to-the-elements Gothic ledge, with all the incredibly fascinating sights and hints of ghosts surrounding us, Quasimodo in particular, the hunchback of Notre Dame. Yvonne didn’t complain about the dirt on her dress, just brushed it off when I finally got up.

Back at Sacré-Coeur, Yvonne rolled my question around in her mind. “I would have stopped,” she said.

“When?” I asked. “With my jeans down around my ankles?”

“Keep moving,” she said quickly, “Now!”

CHAPTER 18

MODELS INC.

ONE

Yvonne hadn’t planned to meet me, hadn’t planned to fall in love, and hadn’t planned to have any free time to enjoy life. She had planned to make lots of money for her agency, and money only came from work.

When I could, and until it bored me, I joined Yvonne at her work. Photographic work is time consuming. It has its bright moments and its dull moments. I became excited and nervous at the same time by a new world I was seeing, and another side of Yvonne. I was once again dumbstruck by the way Yvonne became this “thing” that posed, pouted, used her fabulous eyes, her body, anything to achieve the right shots. I had never seen models at work before. It was new to me, so false and phoney. Amongst the hype there were the ridiculous words the photographers used to seduce Yvonne into the camera, to move her body, change her position, wherever she was. And Yvonne obliged. She made herself become “the look”, the model to look at. All eyes were on Yvonne. And once in a while I saw something that wasn’t phoney or fake. Sometimes Yvonne was a goddess. She gave off a feel, a presence that I found totally awe-inspiring, and I found it very difficult to return to my normal Yvonne when it was all over. Yvonne could snap out of it in a second, make-up plastered all over her face, her hair done up in the most amazing styles, and wearing clothes that were pinned and paraded in so many ways.

I knew it was Yvonne underneath it all. She spoke the same. Her eyes, through all that make-up, had the same sparkle. But until she was in relatively normal clothes, had her relatively normal make-up on and her hair was relatively free of bizarre products, I couldn’t relax. It was like nothing I could relate to. Where was she? Who was she? I sat back and watched, and Yvonne had to keep snapping me out of it. I tried closing my eyes and just listening to her voice, but the image of her wouldn’t go away.

She worked in the weirdest places, with the weirdest people, and Yvonne was weird. She was the Ice Princess; hardly smiled, never on film, totally professional, always on time and everything in a rush. Most days she would leave before I did and I would catch a taxi to wherever she was. If she had afternoon or evening jobs, then we would head off together.

I made sure I was never in the way. I sat in the background and watched everything, all the energy and paraphernalia that goes into capturing maybe only ten or fifteen useable shots. The amount of time, money and film involved was amazing. Yes, I was amazed. I was waking up, slowly, to this whole new world. I didn’t understand the lingo, whether French or English.

Yvonne could look at me while she was working. She had recovered from her smiling during the third show. But she only looked at me in between shots. And when she smiled it was only when we were alone or while she was being made up and having her hair done. Alone meant not having the camera pointed at her. Alone meant alone, but with the exception of the busy bees that surrounded her when she needed to be redone. Then Yvonne became a mutation of the Ice Princess and my Yvonne, the one I knew at home. The Ice Princess, I still didn’t know, I couldn’t talk to and didn’t understand. The mutated Yvonne, I sort of knew, was beginning to understand and become used to.

It was all make-believe, a lot of acting and nothing I could relate to. I liked, knew and enjoyed the real Yvonne, the one who came home, had a shower and, if I was lucky, washed her hair, removing all traces of those other two Yvonnes. Then I could relax, in our apartment with Yvonne walking around naked, drying herself with a towel. Most of the time she couldn’t wash her hair twice in one day, or three times if it had been washed for her work. I hated having to put up with her smelly, chemically-laden hair, and found it hard to see the tough, cool Yvonne at work, then not be able to have her all to myself after it was over.

It wasn’t too bad. We had a few days or mornings off here and there. And, as Yvonne had said, we enjoyed them when we could. I wasn’t special when Yvonne worked. Work came first. We talked, but as friends, not lovers. It was easier for everyone, especially us. For Yvonne to treat me as a lover, it would have meant being her, and at work she wasn’t her, she was these other people. In a way it brought us closer together. We could talk about issues and events outside our lives and our own intimate world. Yvonne wasn’t a mad people person like Jane. The people she worked with were sometimes friends, but mainly colleagues, workmates or just people she happened to be working with at the time.

People didn’t know who I was and sometimes I heard some very bizarre things being said about Yvonne behind her back, to her face, behind my back when they thought I wasn’t listening, or straight to my face. Yvonne was cold, she was aloof, she was a bitch, didn’t want to joke around and have fun. Sometimes these comments were directed as criticism and other times they were directed as remarks or facts, and often with respect. No-one, including myself, knew who Yvonne really was. She never hung around after the job was done, never mingled, just got the job done and went on to the next one. If she worked with people who had the same attitude, the job went smoothly, with no undercurrents or disharmony. And because Yvonne knew what she wanted, who she wanted to work with, and had been doing it for so long, most of the time that’s how it was. It was nothing like I had seen in the movies, music blasting, everyone having fun. It was serious and the jobs were done as quickly and as professionally as possible, even if they did take hours and hours. I was very impressed. The more I saw, the more I relaxed, and the more I relaxed, the more I was impressed by the whole procedure. It sounds like I’m contradicting myself, and maybe I am. But on first impression, and depending upon my mood, modeling was a complete waste of time as far as I could see. But later I saw the results and, more importantly, why it took so long to do everything. There was a reason behind each and every person’s actions and a reason for some of those actions to take as long as they did.

When it didn’t run smoothly and people didn’t know what they were doing, Yvonne either walked out, saying, “Call me when you are ready,” or we went for a coffee close by and someone would come and tell us when they were ready. Yvonne had no time for people who weren’t organized, ready and professional. It hardly ever happened. Yvonne went to great measures to see that it didn’t happen, and if it did, she was gone. They couldn’t work without her and soon got their act together. Yvonne didn’t care what the problem was. As far as she was concerned, she took care of her part of it and everyone else had to do the same. She was used to it, it didn’t bother her. It looked like it did. It looked like she was the coldest, bitchiest bitch ever, just walking out the way she did. She didn’t yell or scream. She was cold, froze everyone out. The first time it happened, I was taken totally by surprise. Yvonne never warned me as to how she did things; I had to see it for myself. I waited a while, listened to the sarcastic comments and then quietly, so no-one would notice, followed her out. Yvonne was fine. She said, “There is no point hanging around people who don’t know what they are doing.” She was calm. All part of the job. Never took it personally.

TWO

Living with a model. Her body is her work.

In my heart of hearts I’d known this from day one, and with a fantastic body like Yvonne’s, I didn’t want to mar it, despite my lust. I’d had that hammered home with great clarity and horror during the lovebite fiasco on her left buttock on display before a room full of people.

The stark reality of Yvonne’s body being her work was illustrated even more graphically for me when I saw a make-up lady spreading cover make-up on Yvonne’s thigh to cover up another lovebite I’d given her. She was having a helluva job trying to match the make-up to Yvonne’s exact skin tone. Cover-up make-up is okay for everyday use, but not before the camera. When I’d seen the lovebite on Yvonne’s left buttock, that had been catwalk, not “camera”. The camera picks up everything.

Yvonne said she was entitled to a proper sex life and she did remind me that photos were commonly airbrushed later, but she did agree that major hickeys and bites and scratches were out when she was working in front of the camera, and even for fittings where she was naked some of the time.

I tried, but I could not think of one place on Yvonne’s body where I could exercise my lust that wasn’t visible to the camera or to someone else. So my contribution to photographic shoots was to lay off biting, to restrain myself at climax and to not dig my fingernails into her flesh; to leave her body undamaged, the way a model’s body should be kept, until Yvonne was away from the dreaded see-it-all camera.

THREE

Those were work days. During our time off, we stayed in the apartment, went for walks, had dinner at different restaurants or at the homes of the very few friends Yvonne had, mainly Claude and Peter, who continued to comment on how much Yvonne had changed. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know who she was before she met me; an Ice Princess and a working Yvonne were enough for me to take in. I suppose… no, I am very pleased that, through me and our relationship, Yvonne was changing into a smiling, more talkative, relaxed, caring woman. But that’s who I had met originally. Everything seemed to go in reverse. The more Yvonne and I went out to her work together, the more people talked to me about her. And the more I found that she wasn’t who she was. But she was, because she couldn’t have, in one night, changed into the person I knew and loved. They all had it wrong. They obviously didn’t know her and had never known her. They only knew the Yvonne she wanted them to know. I was the only one who was beginning to know the real Yvonne.

CHAPTER 19

A PRIVATE FUNCTION

A day to remember, one among many. It was one of the few days that Yvonne didn’t have to work, go anywhere or see anyone. A total day off. She’d had a very long week and we were enjoying a lovely, peaceful bath together, calmed by the tranquil green swirls and speckled greys surrounding us. On the wall beside us, the two large dark-green fish heads had finished spilling forth their hot and cold water.

I sat in front, leaning back on her, her arms and legs under the water either side of me, her body soft and snuggly. We rested together in the warm water, only our heads poking out. Yvonne was so quiet I thought she was asleep. My eyes were closed, my head nestled on her shoulder, and soft instrumental music from the main room drifted in, all designed for total relaxation, quiet and calm.

Because we’d been so still for so long, the sudsy bathwater had had time to settle into what looked like the crust of a baked pudding just out of the oven. I had this image in my mind when I felt Yvonne ever so slightly shift herself behind me. Nothing unusual about that. She often moved a little. She could have been moving in her sleep. But then her hands went to my waist and she pulled my lower half closer to hers, holding it there, while her knees emerged slowly out of the baked pudding. I didn’t suspect anything. It could all have been a small cuddle. Suddenly, the water behind me became much hotter and I felt a hard, steady stream burst out onto my backside. I tried to break away, but her arms were clamped tightly around me, holding me to her until she was finished. Then she released me and laughed. I quickly scampered up to the other end of the bath, Yvonne cacking herself behind me.

“You won’t let me see you on the toilet and yet you just peed on me,” I said, swishing the contaminated water away from me.

Tears streamed down her cheeks, she laughed so much.

I groaned loudly and couldn’t help but smile back.

“It’s only urine, it won’t kill you,” she laughed. “And you can’t tell me you’ve never peed in the bath.”

“Not with someone else in the bath, I haven’t,” I said, still pretending to be shocked. “Why did you do that?” It was cold outside and the bath was nice and warm. Before she peed on me, I’d been comfortable and relaxed. I didn’t want to get out, but now I didn’t want to stay in, either.

“Stop looking so shocked,” she said, not explaining why she had done what she had. She continued to relax in the warm water. Her knees had submerged.

“It’s getting in your hair,” I said, sitting up and feeling cold on top and warm underneath.

“So what? I’ll have a shower,” she said before pinching her nose between her fingers and ducking her head under the water. Her feet blindly walked themselves up the shower wall behind me, her long legs stretched out of the water, either side of my top half. Seconds later, they slipped back in as her head came up.

It was cold out. I slid further down into the water. Except the deeper I sank, the more my long hair soaked up urine!

“Isn’t this cozy?” she said, still smiling at me, and added a series of bubbles to the water by means of a huge fart.

“Wonderful,” I said. “Don’t bother to put any more hot water in, just pee in the bath and feel free to fart whenever you feel like it.”

“Why don’t farts smell in the bath?” she asked, sniffing the air.

“I think they do. But I’m still in shock from being peed on and you farting in front of me for the first time. I don’t know how you could have kept it in for so long before this, the farts, not the pee.”

“Speaking of peeing,” she said, “did you know that urine is sterile?”

“Yes, I had heard that,” I said in a very mocking tone.

“How can it be sterile, Nurse Lyn?” she asked with her I-hate-having-to-ask-because-it-makes-me-look-stupid face. But because I used to be a nurse, she didn’t mind asking too much.

“Because it’s inside us,” I said. “Unless it gets an infection in it, a bug, then it’s sterile. The only part of us that isn’t sterile is our gut, from our mouths right through our stomachs, to our intestines and out our bums. I suppose our lungs aren’t completely sterile, either. They’re open to the outside world. But the kidneys are inside us and urine is made through them.”

She nodded slightly. “How are you feeling?” she asked after a while.

“Tired but okay. It was a busy week. What else have you got planned?”

“I think I’ll have a shower,” she said, and climbed out of the bath, leaving another question unanswered.

CHAPTER 20

BAD MOON RISING

ONE

Two days later, in the evening, we were at home. We were dressing to go out to dinner and then see a movie with Claude and Peter. By then, socially, I had met about six of Yvonne’s friends besides Claude and Peter, but there were always other people around. There were dinner parties, very casual, or small gatherings of people. Someone’s birthday, a commiserative divorce party, a celebratory wake where the deceased was more appreciated in death than in life, a housewarming. All reasons why Yvonne felt she could not say no. Yvonne was never as at ease at these occasions as she was with Claude and Peter, so, since I liked them, if we went out and felt like some company, we went out with them.

We only went on these occasions if the dress code was very casual, and Yvonne promised, crossed her heart, that that wouldn’t suddenly change and I would be caught looking something way less than Yvonne and her friends. Yvonne always looked way more than me, no matter what she was wearing, even naked. Yvonne’s sense of dress began at casual, which was my version of “well to do”, and only went in one direction ─ up!

I hadn’t particularly enjoyed our romantic anniversary dinner at the fancy restaurant; Yvonne stood out too much. It was so fancy that our table was in the middle of the room, not tucked away in a cozy corner, so Yvonne could see everyone and everyone could see her. No chance of gazing into each other’s eyes or romantic whispers across the starched linen tablecloth cluttered with silverware, candlesticks all aflame and different glasses for every wine, plus a water glass. We were two women wearing dresses, eating dinner, one feeling particularly uncomfortable in pantyhose and a funny-colored popsicle dress. I felt so many eyes on us. People whispered and openly stared at Yvonne. She looked incredibly beautiful that night, went to more trouble than usual with her clothes, make-up and hair. And I felt very much on the outer. Again, it was her world.

And meeting her friends, I was on the outer again. They spoke French, I didn’t. I was just a friend, no-one special. Yvonne’s friends were kind, most of them, but Yvonne and I both preferred to be alone or at our Italian restaurant, with friends who knew about us. That meant Claude and Peter. I hadn’t met Sally and Michael by then. For some reason, they were absent from the invitation list. We tried out a few smaller, more intimate restaurants, even a couple of gay ones. They were eye-openers; we saw people who we had no idea were gay.

An interesting fact. At the end of parties, gatherings of people, in restaurants, even when we were alone, Yvonne had a wonderful habit. Without hovering around me, we would usually leave when I was ready, or minutes before I even knew I was ready to leave. She would keep an eye on me and as soon as she noticed any sign of tiredness or boredom, or signs that I was completely out of my depth and not enjoying myself, then Yvonne would excuse herself on the grounds of having an early start the next day, and we would leave without me being the cause, even though I usually was. And I didn’t latch onto this fact for a long time. I believed that Yvonne did need to get up early, that supermodels who started early needed to go to bed early. I believed everything Yvonne told me back then. I was in love with her. I wanted to believe her.

TWO

We had about twenty minutes to go before the taxi would start tooting outside. I was watching TV, Yvonne was putting on her make-up. She wore pants. The weather had definitely settled into autumn mode. I wore what I normally wore, jeans and a shirt. I would put my jacket and boots on later. I sat curled up on the sofa with a pre-going-out drink, a glass of white wine, waiting once again for Yvonne to finish with the make-up. She came over, sat beside me, glanced at the show I was watching, then my frown. I wasn’t enthralled by the show. I only understood about one in a hundred words. No subtitles to help. Yvonne waited for me to tell her if I wanted to keep watching the show or could she interrupt. I could tell that what she wanted to talk about wasn’t urgent, didn’t have to be discussed this second, and she wanted my full attention when she told me her news. We had only been together for a few months, but because of the amount of time we spent together, I was learning very quickly about Yvonne and how to read her silent signals. I had learned that she didn’t really say what she meant, that she did have cranky, grumpy days, and great days. Yvonne was an amazingly complex person. She would tell me things only when she was ready.

I turned the TV off and turned around to face her. She looked poised, but something was up. I passed her my glass. She took a sip and passed it back.

“Soon,” she began, “I have to go to Jamaica for a shoot. A photographic shoot.”

I nodded; I knew what a shoot meant.

“I’ll be gone for about a month, probably more, and I leave in just over two months. It’s swimsuits, clothes… hot summer stuff. It should be fun… a lot of hard work, but fun. Lots of white sand, sunshine, and the best people are going. At my age, to still be going to these things is pretty good. Part of it will be in connection with next year’s Sports Illustrated. I will be lucky to just be asked to be in the running for that. Do you know it? Sports Illustrated?”

I nodded. “Costumes, bikinis. Not very prestigious, is it? I mean, what’s inside the magazine? What’s of interest besides the once-a-year gorgeous body cover? It’s a sports magazine, not a fashion magazine, isn’t it?” My glass of wine was empty, but I still held the glass. Something to do with my hands. I wished I still smoked. I felt like I needed a cigarette. I wished she’d get to the bottom line and quit the chatter.

She sat back, turned on her side to face me, but she took her time, dragging everything out. “There is a layout inside,” she said, “and it’s sort of an honor to be on the cover.”

“Are you serious?” I asked.

“I’m not sure,” she said. “To be my age and still showing off a bikini, it is an honor.”

“You’re not that old.” I had to say it. She was only thirty-two, only one year older than me. Every time she mentioned her age, I felt old.

“So the point is…” She trailed off and changed her mind. “Why don’t you check out that cushion behind you?” She nodded towards the plump yellow-and-grey cushion behind my back.

I reached behind and slid my hand between the cushion and the sofa to feel something papery. When I pulled it out, I saw that I was holding an airline ticket.

“The point is, Lyn, I’m going to Jamaica and I want you to come with me. Now, just wait a minute,” she said, her hand on mine flapping excitedly with the glass in it. Nagging doubts suggested this wasn’t my ticket but hers, and maybe she was sending me home first, then on to Jamaica. Yvonne grabbed my hand, steadied it with her own and, removing the glass with her free hand, placed it on the walnut cabinet behind the sofa.

Once the ticket was opened and scanned, I smiled with relief and said, “I was so scared you were going to keep saying I all the time instead of we.” My heart was back to its normal rate; it had dropped to about ten beats a minute, dying slowly from her drawn-out words. “And this ticket…” I waved the ticket in her face. “…I thought it was going to take me home.”

“Via the States?”

I inspected the ticket more closely. North West Airlines on the front, and inside the States? “Why am I going to the States?”

Yvonne snatched the ticket from me. “Look at the bottom,” she said, tossing it back to me. “There is no direct flight from Paris to Jamaica. We have to change planes and I think we have to stay overnight at Tampa.”

“Florida?” My head popped up. Montego Bay, I’d read at the bottom, as she’d said. I hoped Montego Bay was in Jamaica. It sounded Jamaica-ish. At least it didn’t say Sydney.

“Yes, Florida,” she said, but she didn’t smile. There was more to come. “Lyn,” she said, “this is work. I told myself a long time ago that I would never take anyone on a shoot again. I did it once, and I’ve seen others do it, and it’s a disaster.” She shifted herself on the sofa, looked at her watch and went on, “So if it doesn’t work out, you’re going to have to leave and come back here or go home to Australia for a while, because…” She stood up and walked around in front of me. “… I won’t be distracted from my work. You’ll get bored and I won’t blame you. Baby, this will be really boring for you. You’ll have to sit around and watch.”

“Maybe I can get a job.”

Yvonne smiled. “Doing what?” she said, arms folded across her chest. She wore high heels.

“Please sit down, you’re hurting my neck, and take those shoes off. I hate you being so tall. And I can be a gofer, or an assistant to someone,” I said quite harshly.

“An assistant!” she scoffed, still towering over me. I stared at her belt buckle, not her face.

“Yes! Ring someone, see if I can get a job,” I said, and looked up to see her reaction.

“Lyn,” she shrugged, “anybody can do those jobs and they are all snapped up. It’s meaningless, horrible work. People only take them to get ahead, to be noticed. To start at the bottom and get into the business. It’s shit work. You’d be working harder than me. We’d never see each other. No, that’s a stupid idea, and I couldn’t get you a job anyway.”

“Of course you could. You just don’t want to,” I said, feeling a little mixed up. I should have been happy. I was going to Jamaica with Yvonne … sand, sun and the water. I put the ticket to Jamaica beside my empty glass as Yvonne seated herself beside me on the sofa.

“What’s the problem?” Yvonne said, holding my hand lovingly between hers. I wasn’t looking at her. She was looking at me. “Lyn, this is a huge decision for me,” she said when I didn’t answer her. “I swore to myself I would never take anyone again. The last time was terrible. He got bored, had an affair. I had to tell him to leave. We argued a lot. You don’t know him,” she said at my questioning glance. She could read me by then, as well. But in my mind she always could, and about a hundred times better. “What’s the problem?” she asked again.

“I’ll have to get a bikini and a suntan,” I said slowly.

“That’s no problem. We can do that. What else is it?” she asked, full of concern.

“Look, Yvonne, I won’t interfere with your work, I promise.”

“I know that. That’s why I’m asking you.”

I shifted onto my side to face her and I kissed her on the mouth. I needed courage. I wasn’t sure why, but going to Jamaica was going outside the small world I was just starting to become used to, to feel relaxed in. I ran my hand along her arm, across to her shoulder.

“Do you want to cancel tonight?” she asked, her head bent down, following the course of my hand, now on her shoulder and onto her neck. Oddly enough, when Yvonne and I were sitting down, we were nearly the same height. Her extra three-and-a-half inches came mainly from her long, fabulous legs.

“No, I want to go,” I said. Yvonne straightened up, looked me square in the eyes and listened. “I have to ignore you when you yell. Well, just give me time to take this in. This is a huge step for me. I’ll be okay. I just need time to think about it. All I can see now are glamorous, beautiful people and me in my jeans or shorts with my weird suntan marks and my skinny body. It’s not a pretty sight.” I tried to smile, and hoped that my bikini line would be a problem banished by the time I was ready to brave all to the world.

“I think it is,” she said very sweetly. “I think it’s a wonderful sight. You think your clothes are bad, or whatever it is, normal or unstylish… is there such a word?”

“Probably not,” I smiled.

“Models out of their fashion clothes, and the people behind the scenes, can wear the most hideous of clothes. They have no style at all. You’ll be amazed. You will be. You just wait. You’ll be better dressed than them. Drag your old jeans out of the poor family bag and wear them. You’ll still be better dressed.”

“You didn’t throw my jeans out, did you?” I asked with panic on my face and in my heart.

“I think so. Maybe Simone did,” she said, standing up quickly and grabbing her bag. She ran for the stairs.

“Yvonne, where are my jeans? And don’t run. I hate you running down those stairs,” I yelled at the sound of her high heels clip-clopping on the wooden stairs. “You’re wearing high heels, be careful,” I called. I tugged my boots on as I stared down at the woman I loved’s daring flight of foolishness. She reached the bottom safely. I can’t even walk in high heels and she runs, I thought.

“You’re just jealous,” she called up. “You’ll be running up and down these stairs soon.”

“Not in high heels,” I said, dressed and ready with my jacket on. I picked up my shoulder bag, turned off the main light, leaving the lamp on beside the sofa, and started down the stairs. “Jamaica, huh!” I said.

“Yes. Lots of sunshine. Heaps of block out. We can get suntans in a sun tanning salon. I’ll handle it. You’ll be fine. And we can go shopping and buy you some bikinis and more shorts.” She pushed me gently out the front door to the waiting taxi.

THREE

“How long have you known about Jamaica?” I asked, sitting back comfortably in the taxi. “And why did you get the tickets so soon?”

“I’ve known for a long time. This was booked before I met you. I only got your ticket.”

“Why?”

“Because your visa will run out soon. I have to prove that you are leaving the country to extend your visa. You’ve only got one month left on your existing one and we won’t be leaving for two months.”

“Can you do that?”

“Of course I can.” Yvonne had her arm tucked in mine, but she looked out the window.

“Look at me.”

“Is this my last ‘come here’?” she said.

“Maybe,” I said evasively, still not sure how many she really did owe me. I’d lost count. “What’s the big deal?”

She turned around finally, and sat normally beside me. “No big deal. It’s that I’m worried what you’ll do while I’m working.”

“I’ll watch,” I said. “Look, I’d prefer to be with you, stuck on a gorgeous tropical island in the sun, than back home, getting stressed out and lonely.” I squeezed her arm a little and kissed her cheek. “I was scared you weren’t going to ask me.”

“I wasn’t,” she said, then slipped her arm around my shoulders and squeezed me back. “But I broke my own rules. You do that to me … make me different.”

Out of absolutely nowhere, the way the punchline catches up with you six days after you’ve heard the joke, I was suddenly hit by pure insight, and I spoke. “You get PMS, don’t you? Pre menstrual stress?”

She whipped her arm free of my shoulders and sat as far away from me as she could, in the confined space of the taxi. Any further away from me and she would have been out the taxi door! “I do not!” she proclaimed.

“You do! That’s what all those strange moods of yours are. Every time we’ve had a big fight, it’s been just before your periods.” I felt so stupid that I hadn’t picked up on it before.

“I do not get PMS,” she said, laying out the words for me.

“You do!” I said emphatically. “You must know this. Periods are not something new to you. And yours are so regular it’s frightening. Admit it, Yvonne, you get PMS. A few days before your periods are due in three weeks, you will get all crabby and horrible. PMS typical horrible.”

“Lyn, I do not get PMS. I know what it is and I don’t get it. I’ll start a fight with you next week, okay? Mid-periods fight, how is that?”

“Why won’t you admit it?” I said. “Now we know, I can deal with your bad moods.”

“Lyn,” she said slowly and deliberately, “I do not get PMS. I get angry, I yell. Just because some of them have coincided with my periods is coincidence, that’s all. Stop talking about it, it’s boring. You want the taxi driver to fall asleep from such a boring conversation?” She pointed to the back of the taxi driver’s head.

I laughed. I laughed at the thought of the poor man having to listen (that is, if he understood English) to our stupid conversation. Yvonne wasn’t laughing. She was pretending to find the view out the taxi window more interesting than looking at me.

CHAPTER 21

WHEN WORLDS COLLIDE

ONE

“Stay with me, don’t wander off,” I said.

We were shopping for my clothes to take to Jamaica in the same large, impersonal shop as my last outing for clothes. There must have been thousands of clothes shops in Paris and yet we only shopped at one. Why? I wondered, thinking it was the closest Yvonne would ever come to being in a supermarket. And how had she heard about this shop? It can’t have been from a previous experience. Someone must have suggested it to her. I held Yvonne’s hand firmly in mine while we wandered around a whole lot of bikinis on racks. Really skimpy bikinis.

“I need my hand,” she said, tugging it away.

I let her hand go, but put my arm around her waist. I didn’t want to be thrown into a change room with some strange salesperson to help me choose a ten-by-ten centimeter piece of cloth. I wanted Yvonne to help me tuck my underpants into a ten-by-ten centimeter piece of cloth and have to look at my strange pale body that began at my thighs and ended at my shoulders, with a light-brown section in the middle.

“When are we going to get our suntans?” I asked, and kissed her cheek.

She had her black hat on and looked scrummy, as usual. It was evening, we hadn’t had dinner. Yvonne had been up since about six and yet she was still going strong. I was waking up earlier and had actually felt my kiss goodbye this morning.

“I don’t need much. You can go by yourself if you want,” she said, her hands busily flicking through flashes of colored material.

People in the shop were beginning to recognize her. It was my turn to be on guard.

“Move,” I whispered in her ear.

Two young girls, about fourteen years old, glanced surreptitiously at Yvonne and whispered to each other. They had that definite I’ve-just-seen-someone-famous, very excited look.

Yvonne and I walked away, slowly.

The shop we were in was mildly exclusive. Not too much danger of a mass break out of fans. But Yvonne hated anything to do with fans; they were strictly off-limits. She wouldn’t deal with anyone outside her immediate circle of loved ones, friends and co-workers, no exceptions.

We browsed through shorts; Yvonne held them up for me.

“Don’t tease about the suntan,” I said, feeling really bored and hungry.

“Sorry. We’ll go when we can,” she said distractedly.

“Are you feeling all right?” I asked. She seemed very intent on what she was doing.

“Yes, I’m fine. I want to concentrate,” she said before heading off to small tops.

“It’s just shopping. We’ve got months yet,” I said, following her and checking out the fan control at the same time. The two young girls hid behind the jeans section.

The variety of clothes in that shop was incredible, footwear to headwear and anything in between. And the seasons! It was autumn in Paris and here we were, buying endless summery clothes for Jamaica.

TWO

Despite the increasing number of people who recognized Yvonne, we managed to select three bikinis, two pairs of shorts, five tops (T-shirts and small sleeveless numbers), a sun hat (more of a baseball cap) and another pair of sandals. I already had a pair of lace-up shoes.

“Is that enough?” Yvonne asked me in the change room, me hoisting my jeans up for what seemed like the hundredth time. Actually, I’d taken them off many, many hours ago, it seemed, and now we were finished, I could put them back on. Yvonne had done the wandering-out, coming-back-in-with-more-clothes bit while I had changed in-and-out of everything.

“I don’t care. I’ve had enough. I’m exhausted and hungry,” I said, finding it very tiresome to even have to do up the zipper and the large button on my jeans. My arms and legs were so tired from constantly dressing and undressing. And all that standing! That’s why I hated clothes shopping. It was incredibly tiring, and when I tried on something that didn’t suit me, it depressed the hell out of me. Yvonne and I collected the clothes we were keeping, leaving the discards for the shop people to deal with. The change room looked a total mess.

I asked Yvonne again, “Are you all right?” as this wasn’t like her. Clothes were her thing and yet she had been really preoccupied, had hauled in heaps of clothes for me to try on, instead of her usual knowing exactly what would suit me, perfect size, perfect fit, perfect look. But this time she had been the total opposite, just throwing clothes at me, left, right and centre. It had taken us hours to accomplish what should have taken only an hour or so at the most. She was usually utterly decisive when it came to clothes.

Yvonne dumped her load of clothes onto the sales counter and walked off in the direction of more clothes! I dumped mine in front of an already-dealing-with-the-first-load-of-clothes salesperson, then followed Yvonne.

“I’m fine. Stop hovering,” she said, walking away. Yvonne had picked up so many of my expressions.

“Are we having our mid-periods fight?” I asked.

“No, I’m tired,” she said, now in the jackets department.

I looked around to check for fans and to see how my clothes were going. The salesperson was only a third of the way through them. “Let’s have the clothes delivered and pay later,” I suggested, thinking about how much longer this was going to take.

“Hmmm?” she murmured; she hadn’t heard me. She held a jacket up. “This looks good, you need more of these. Slip it on,” she said, leaving the jacket with me and spotting another section of clothes she wanted to browse through. I could picture us having to be told to leave the shop; Yvonne didn’t look like someone who was at the end of her shopping but someone only in the middle.

I took my jacket off and tried the new one on. It looked good. Right size, right fit─ great! I took it off and put my old one back on, then dumped the jacket with the rest of my new purchases. I was starving and I really wanted to go home. I found Yvonne in the skirts section.

“No way,” I said.

“Maybe one day, not now. You’re not ready. Are you finished?”

She was asking me if I was finished. “I’ve been finished since we first walked in here. Can we have them delivered, please? I’m hungry and tired.”

“Sure, I’ll organize it. Sit down, you look awful,” she said.

I knew I felt half-awful. I found a chair and sat down and waited for Yvonne to organize.

THREE

Two minutes later, we walked out of the shop with nothing, no parcels or bags to worry about, nothing. What a great way to shop, and there was a taxi waiting for us right out front.

Unfortunately, we were halfway between the taxi and the shop when a mass of people, teenage girls and boys, older women, plus a few men, suddenly rushed us, but they really wanted Yvonne. The whole thing was terrifying. They grabbed at her, jostling her and me. Somehow we scrambled into the taxi, slammed the door shut and the taxi sped off. It had only lasted approximately three minutes, but was so intense. They had yelled at Yvonne in French and English. They’d wanted autographs, they’d wanted to touch her, they’d wanted her to stay and be with them.

We sat in the taxi, absolutely stunned.

“They stole my hat,” Yvonne said accusingly, before launching into a harassed, emotional tirade. “I’m never shopping like that again, ever!” she proclaimed. “From now on, you get your clothes done privately; I don’t care what you say. That is no place for me. I should have known better. They ring up their friends and amass outside. It’s not worth it, clothes are… they stole my hat! My favourite black hat. And it’s all your fault!”

“Of course it is,” I said. “I saw a woman just snatch if off your head. You should have worn higher heels, then you would have been too tall for anyone to reach up.”

“I’m serious, Lyn. This is no laughing matter. People have knives and guns. People like that are dangerous. You never know what nutter is out there.”

“I’m not laughing, I’m shaking. That scared the shit out of me. They wanted to devour you. But what the hell would they have done with you if you had stayed? Ripped your clothes off, stolen your bag, your jewelry, and then what?”

“I don’t know, Lyn. I don’t understand what they want. This part I never deal with. I never let myself get into this sort of situation.”

“My fault, again. Why didn’t you tell me, and we could have gone shopping privately … whatever that means?”

“You get me so mixed up. I’m not doing things your way any more. I don’t care if you find it embarrassing to be around people who design clothes or know what they are talking about in the fashion industry. And you aren’t shopping alone. You haven’t a clue as to what suits you or what size you are. This is my business and we’ll deal with it my way.”

“Yvonne, you never asked me what I wanted. And who cares if I have a rotten sense of style? If I want to go shopping, I will! Clothes aren’t important. So they don’t match your high standards, I don’t care. Clothes are to keep me covered and sometimes warm, that’s all. I’ll shop alone from now on, but I’ve got enough for now.”

“We got scared, that’s all. Don’t overreact.”

“I am not overreacting! Don’t tell me what to do or where to shop. I never told you I wanted to go shopping in the first place. All I said was ‘I’ll have to get a bikini.’ This was your idea.”

“Oh! So you planned to go to Jamaica with the clothes you have? And what? A bikini that pops out of thin air, and when it’s wet, you just swim naked? And wear the same two pairs of shorts and the same jeans?”

“I can shop for myself. I am over thirty years old. I’ve been doing this for a long time.”

“You dress like a six-year-old. You have no style.”

“Who cares about style? You go out every day as if you are already at work! I don’t get it. Don’t you get tired of always looking good? Have you always dressed like this? No, you haven’t. You were a tomboy, you used to get messy. You didn’t wear dresses all the time, you used to wear pants more than just occasionally, and I can’t believe that before I met you, you used to sit around by yourself, wherever you were, wearing designer clothes! Or did you have designer lounge clothes? Designer … I can’t think. What did you wear in between going outside and going to bed?” I sat sprawled out on the back seat of the taxi, with my head back and my legs outstretched. And Yvonne sat imperiously upright in her assigned section of the taxi.

“I wore the same thing as I wear now,” she said.

“What? Shirts and nothing else, or underpants and nothing else?”

“Yes.”

“What about winter? When it gets cold… do you own a jumper or, God forbid, tracksuit pants?”

“I turn the heater up.”

“Of course you do! Silly me. Imagine Yvonne Shuman sitting around like every other normal person in a daggy old cardigan and a pair of fluffy slippers.”

“Is that all I’m wearing?”

“Looks pretty good to me,” I laughed.

“And, you, what are you wearing?”

“I’m in bed. It’s too cold to be lounging in only that. Your legs have goosebumps.”

“That’s not all, I’m freezing in that. Dress me, put some more clothes on me.”

“This is like dressing in virtual reality. I can’t imagine … yes, I can. Your black wool pants.”

“I’m lounging in my black wool pants?”

“What’s wrong with that? They look great!”

“They are not clothes to lounge in and I don’t lounge! You make me sound like a lizard. Those pants were specially designed for me. I think I better just get into bed with you if it’s that cold. Or else I’m turning the heater up.”

“What if it were cold? What did you wear in your house with Louis and the screaming nymphettes?”

“Clothes! Dresses, skirts… pants, shoes. Shirts with no underpants!”

“You wandered around with a shirt undone and no underpants, running into nymphettes?”

“I had my part of the house, Louis had his!”

“Looks like I’m going to have to find out like everything else in your life … the hard way. I’ll have to wait till winter and then find out.”

“We’ll be in Jamaica,” she laughed.

“You are the strangest person I have ever met. Pay the driver, I’m going up.” I climbed wearily out of the taxi, leaving Yvonne behind to attend to the taxi driver.

FOUR

“That was awful,” I said, all cuddled up in bed with Yvonne, both of us naked, as usual. The only time we wore clothes to bed was when we had our periods and underpants was the call of the day.

We were fed, it was late and we were about to make love to keep our second perfect record.

“Scary and dangerous,” she said.

“I should have realized,” I went on. “I knew you were famous, but I, sort of, didn’t want to know. All that fame stuff belongs on TV or in the movies, in magazines… not my reality, or yours.”

“And it won’t happen again. We have to be careful. I didn’t want to scare you with it. If we hadn’t gone shopping, it wouldn’t have.”

“Tell me next time.”

“You wouldn’t have believed me. I don’t really believe it myself. It’s out there, not here. We have to keep our lives private and not go out in public. You’ve finished sightseeing, haven’t you?”

“I want to see Versailles and a few other places on the outskirts of Paris.”

“We can do that, just not when it’s so touristy and I can get us a private tour. You don’t want that.”

“No, I don’t. I don’t want preferential treatment.”

“Do I need the dictionary?”

“Special, preferred. Picked out from others.”

“Why do you hate it so much?”

“What?”

“The special treatment. Being able to do things easily. You always want to do things the way you’ve always done them. Cheaply, with all the crowds, no help from anyone.”

“Yvonne, I have let you handle things for me and organize me beyond belief. I’m old enough to take care of myself. I have been doing just that since I was five years old. You buy my clothes, my shampoo. I don’t do anything. And I can’t mention what else you supply me with.”

“No, you can’t. Baby, you don’t know Paris, you hardly understand where you are and you are still recovering. Let me do it, I love it.”

“Why do you love it? No-one else has ever done this much for me. I’m your child.”

“I love you. Has anyone loved you the way I do?”

“No. And I haven’t loved anyone enough to let them love me the way you do. I’m still half in my world and half in yours. God, Yvonne, I think I’m doing really well. I’ve passed the sex test, which is amazing in itself. I take money, I can say it, from your wallet now with no compunction, no guilt. I wander around after you like a lost lamb from job to job. This is not me. Back home I wouldn’t be like this. I would be asserting my independence, feeling like I’m living off you, which I am! But somehow I’m doing it. I’m letting you handle things.”

“You’re tired, baby. Let’s just do it and sleep.”

“Do what?”

“Now who’s teasing?”

“You weren’t serious about sending me off to get a suntan on my own?”

“Of course not. I know, back home, you would be fine. But here is different. I understand what it’s like to be in a foreign country, not able to speak the language fluently, and you can’t speak French at all! If we were mountain climbing and I was the expert, I would teach you and you would let me teach you. This is the same. Let me teach you what you don’t know. I let you teach me what I don’t know.”

“And you get funny then. You don’t like not knowing words.”

“But I’m with you and I want to learn. You’re not a ninny, Lyn, I know that. But this is a new world for you and you aren’t completely well yet. Let me be the mountain climber and you the pupil, until you can climb by yourself.”

“And then what?”

“We move on, climb together. Shut up and let’s do what we do before going to sleep.”

“Were you drunk at Claude and Peter’s that first night?”

“Very drunk. Couldn’t you tell?”

“I was in a black hole back then. I’m still partially in it. You function very well when you’re drunk.”

“I talk too much and I do things I shouldn’t.”

“We all do. Alcohol, the great inhibition releaser. Were you drunk ─”

“No, I was not. You probably were.”

“I was not! You kissed me,” I laughed.

“I only had two drinks that night. I was practically clean and sober and I’d had dinner. So anything that happened that first night was strictly total reality.”

“No illegal substances, no excuses for why you sexually seduced a poor Australian woman who had just stepped off a plane.”

“No excuses, none. It was strictly a direct, sexual and loving response to yours.”

“Shit! I promised Jane I’d ring her,” I cursed myself as I climbed over Yvonne, jumped out of bed and threw on a shirt.

“Now? Why now?”

“Where’s the phone?” I fumbled around on the floor.

“By the sofa, I moved it. Ring her tomorrow.” Yvonne tried to grab me and pull me back into bed.

I dashed out of her hands and onto the sofa. “We won’t be long,” I said, halfway through dialing Jane’s number.

Yvonne huddled under the covers and stared right at me. “You’ll be hours. You two can talk forever.” Yvonne wore her devil-eyes look, trying to seduce me back into bed.

“No, we won’t. I said I’d ring.”

“Hello,” Jane’s sleepy voice broke through.

“Hi, Janey.”

“Lyn? What time is it?”

“It’s night here, which means it’s early morning where you are. Do you want to go back to sleep?”

“No, I’m okay. Jet lag, the usual…” Jane broke off to sneeze. Then she blew her nose. Jane was an early bird, like Yvonne, often waking up at four a.m. and watching some TV before going back to bed. Jane’s sleep patterns were always a mess while she was a flight attendant. “I’m back,” Jane said. “Sorry about that. I think I’m getting a cold.”

“I can’t talk for long, Yvonne’s staring at me.”

It took a few seconds for the Paris-to-Sydney conversation to be relayed back and forth, with interruptions adding extra seconds to the already lengthy gaps between being able to speak as the other finished. All the while Yvonne’s fabulous, sparkling, turquoise eyes burned deeper into mine. Even when I closed my eyes, they were still there, either burned onto my retinas, because that’s all I could see, or else by conscious design, tattooed on my heart. Yvonne didn’t move, just lay there on her side, snug and warm under the covers, staring right at me. Her eyelashes did their fluttery best to only blink on command, slowly, adding to the desired effect.

Jane’s voice broke the spell. “She’s there with you while you’re talking to me?”

I wasn’t sure if Jane had actually caught my last few interrupted words. “We only have one phone,” I said, basically now talking on autopilot. “Well, up here. There is a phone in the kitchen. What’s happening?” I asked lamely.

“Usual stuff. How are you getting on? How’s Yvonne?” Jane’s voice was from a different planet. Her voice tripped along with just woken up, probably had a straight dream about some guy, early morning chit a chat high. Whereas my voice lulled into just about to make love in the night, then fall blissfully asleep in the arms of my fabulous, French, female lover, who is staring right at me and wants me, now!

Every time Jane spoke, I felt as if a bucket of cold water was being thrown over me. Not virtual reality but alternate realities.

“We’re great,” I said, trying to match Jane’s voice on her reversed time-wise, sex-wise, every-wise level. “Yvonne got mobbed today, it was scary. I don’t like this fame thing.”

“I told you she was famous. When are you coming home?”

“No idea. Hopefully, not for a long time.”

“But you two are so different! How can you possibly have anything in common? I’ve been reading about her and every time I mention her name, people tell me how cold she is.”

“I know all about her reputation.”

“But she never smiles. She’s called the Ice Princess.”

“She smiles, Jane. Believe me, she smiles.”

I stared right back at Yvonne who, having heard my end of the conversation, was now smiling her sexy, her utmost sexiest smile at me, accompanied by some very slow, seductive long leg movements under the covers. She ran her hands through her long hair and down her neck, onto her chest, her breasts, the bedclothes being ever so slowly removed, so I could see her hands cup each breast upwards, presenting them to me.

I became extremely turned on. Jane raved on in my ear. “I think I better go, Jane,” I said, cutting right across her one-sided conversation.

I wasn’t listening. My eyes were glued to Yvonne, who slowly, oh so slowly, continued my visual exploration of her body. The bedclothes were going down as her hands, with her fingers spread, smoothed themselves along and around each curve. Her slightly undulating, flat stomach. Her wonderfully rounded hips. Her tempting thighs. And her long, long legs, which opened themselves up to me. The bedclothes were totally gone from my sight. Her feet slipped to the floor, with her legs bent up, spreading themselves wider and wider, until there was only one delicious, wet, enticing sight my eyes were feasting on. I blinked at the sight of Yvonne’s head suddenly appearing in my line of vision. She had her body bent double, right over, her head between her open legs.

Yvonne emerged slowly from the bed. Then she began her slow walk towards me, with her head bent a little, keeping my eyes connected with hers, which were at the sexiest I had ever seen them. She was padding towards me, making every movement, every gesture, the sexiest and the most sensual I had ever seen before in my life ─ even the movies hadn’t prepared me for this. Her footfalls were soft, each leg being brought forward gracefully, slowly, her arms gently swaying beside her. Her whole body was like a beautiful, confident animal, luring, seducing, supreme, extraordinary in its presence. And she was real, right in front of me, all for me, nearly at the sofa.

My body was flattened out on the sofa, melting into it, trembling and gasping, my skin tingling uncontrollably. And she hadn’t even touched me! I was a sexual ball of fire, aching for her in every way, throbbing and piercingly hot between my legs. My body and brain were transfixed on this wonderful sight, which was now two centimeters away from me. A naked Yvonne ending her superb stroll, wanting me, me wanting her.

Jane’s voice was an annoying hum in my ear.

“I have to go,” I muttered, and blindly hung up the phone.

Yvonne’s face broke into a huge smile. She laughed, then reached down and encircled my waist with her arm and pulled me up to her.

“God, you’re good at this,” I breathed into her hair.

“Got you off the phone, didn’t it?” she said, reverting straight back to normal.

“That was unbelievable,” I said, staring at her face, into her laughing, happy eyes.

She took me back to bed with her.

I was mesmerized by what had just happened and how instantly I had felt it through every cell in my body, and how that feeling had built up and up, until I had wanted and seen only one thing ─ Yvonne.

Yvonne wasn’t interested in talking. We snuggled down and went straight for it.

FIVE

I rang Jane back the next evening, catching her at some god-awful time in the middle of the night. But Jane’s last letter clearly stated that due to her jet lag, she would be roaming around at that hour, and if she wasn’t, then her answering machine would take the call and she would have the phone turned down so low that unless someone persisted to call again and again, she wouldn’t hear it and thus sleep through. Jane hadn’t rung me back after my hanging up on her, because: one, she’d lost my number; two, she hadn’t rung my parents to ask for it again, knowing I would call her in all likelihood, and she understood about couples in love, even women couples; and, three, it was too expensive. The rules for Jane, my brother Jeff, and my parents were, if they didn’t want to wait for me to phone them, You call me, hang up and I’ll call you right back, if it’s convenient for me. Otherwise we make a time when it’s suitable for all parties. This of course threw the expense straight into Yvonne’s extremely wealthy lap. But this was originally Yvonne’s idea in the first place. She’d said, “Call them back, I can afford it,” after she’d heard me say a few times to my parents, “Yes, I know it’s expensive. Long distance is always expensive.” Because my parents were saying, “We better go, this is costing us a fortune” ─ huge emphasis on the fortune─ “and you know how expensive long distance is.” This was back in the days when long distance was expensive. Not like now, when it’s as cheap as chips.

Jane and I chatted while Yvonne sat at her desk and attended to some paperwork. Our conversation was the exact opposite to the one last night. We were on the same planet again, talking the same language and, yes, we did, we talked for hours. Minutes, actually, but it seemed like hours, because neither Jane nor I could make ourselves believe that, because Yvonne was paying for it, long distance wasn’t costing us a fortune. No matter how hard I tried not to look at my watch or be conscious of the fact that I was calling long distance, eventually it would start to niggle at both of us, and that night was no exception, with me saying, “I can’t take this, Jane, I have to hang up. How long have we been talking for?”

This produced a back-handed wave of dismissal from Yvonne, but a no-nonsense reply from Jane. “Must be at least fifty minutes, maybe an hour. You told me not to look at the clock.”

“I know I did, but this … you know the word. But it must be, mustn’t it?”

“Two fortunes. I could have bought a car on the money she spends on phone calls.”

“Lets me spend, you mean.”

“You’re getting hostile, you better hang up.”

“Don’t you look at me with that tone of voice.”

Jane laughed. This turn of phrase had originated long ago when we were working together as nurses. I had seen Jane’s puppy-dog face in my mind so clearly, but instead of saying that on the phone, I had turned it around slightly.

The bantering went back and forth for two more minutes until I really lost it. “This is it! I’m hanging up,” and did just that.

Yvonne said, “Lyn, don’t get so worked up. Relax on the phone. Or maybe you should write to them. Then you won’t get so stressed out.”

“I hate writing letters, talking is much more fun, and they answer my questions on the phone. They never answer my questions in my letters.” I stretched out on the sofa, trying to recover from the guilts of such a long call. I was born middle class and raised middle class, which meant money was the deciding factor on most actions in my life, and those around me. Not so any more. This was hard to come to terms with, that Yvonne could sit there so calmly through an hour of an overseas phone call. Anybody else I knew, back then, would have been tearing their hair out.

You do not listen to someone talking long distance for more than five minutes without tearing your hair out, or the phone out of the hand of the person spending all that money. Motto from my days before I met Yvonne, made up by me, after I met Yvonne, reflecting back on the days before I met her.

CHAPTER 22

CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER

ONE

For some reason, things seemed to happen on Fridays, and this particular Friday I will never forget as long as I live. A little more than a month after Yvonne’s invitation to join her in Jamaica, I had been out sightseeing by myself and had decided to come home for lunch. I thought Yvonne was at work. Watching her at work bored the pants off me sometimes and the weather that day was far too good to be shut up inside. I wanted to go out and explore Paris before the sunshine left us to make way for the cool snap that hinted winter was on the way. I really wasn’t expecting anything bad to happen on such a glorious day, a day of blue skies and fluffy, white, innocent clouds.

I heard them before I saw them. I was halfway up the stairs when I heard the unmistakable sounds of a couple having sex. I kept on going up the stairs until I could see Yvonne in bed with a man. She was on her back, he was on top of her. They were both completely naked. Yvonne’s legs were bent, either side of his backside, both of which were going at it full force. They were fucking each other, pure and simple.

I turned around and headed back down the stairs, but not before Yvonne saw me. I must have made a noise or Yvonne sensed my presence because just before I turned, her head appeared over his right shoulder and our eyes met.

Her hair was wild, her face a mixture of sexual enjoyment and stunned surprise. Her hands gripped his shoulders and her toes chewed up the sheets. And he continued to fuck her. I walked out.

“Merde! Lyn! Don’t go… please! Wait, Lyn! Listen to me!” I heard Yvonne call, followed by lots of scuffling noises, climbing-out-from-under-him, getting-out-of-bed noises, I imagined, telling him to stop, in French.

She ran after me, towards the stairs. I must have realized something was wrong, heard her missed step, her gasp. I definitely heard her leg break. I actually heard the bones snap. I saw her slip at the top of the stairs and her right foot slide sideways into the banister to catch in the tiny space between two carved wooden uprights. But her body was still on its way down and she landed with a crashing jolt on top of me, her foot still above her, stuck in the banister. The lower part of her leg was twisted at an awful, agonizing angle.

I had actually thrown myself under her to catch her, with the simple idea of saving her from falling all the way down the stairs. She landed sprawled out across my shoulders and back, and I was pinned beneath her. Amidst gut-wrenching screams, I landed on my knees, adrenaline pumping through me, aware that I needed to do something quickly. With my arms around her torso, using all my strength, I bulldozed my way up the stairs in the desperate hope of straightening up her body into a normal position. Either this worked or somehow Yvonne found the strength to drag her foot free from the banister. But the damage was obviously severe and Yvonne’s lower right leg hung limply from her body.

She crushed me with her weight and the tension of the situation. I didn’t have any more adrenaline left. I was wrung out.

I kept yelling at her, over her constant screaming, “Get off me, lean back towards the apartment. Lie down on the stairs, not me!”

Slowly, the words sank in and I felt the weight of her body shift off me, back towards the top of the stairs. A tall, well-built, naked man appeared at the top of the stairs.

“Call an ambulance, she’s broken her leg,” I said, trying to ignore the fact that he was naked. Yvonne was in total agony. She sobbed and screamed in my arms. The man left and I heard him speaking in French.

It was impossible to make Yvonne comfortable. Her right leg was broken. No bones showed through the skin, but her calf was mangled. I could see the displacement of the bones inside the leg, which put the lower part of her leg and her foot into completely the wrong alignment.

I held her. “It’ll be okay, the ambulance is coming. You’ve broken your leg, but you’re okay.”

“Don’t go, don’t leave me,” she sobbed, clinging to me. I could feel her arms around me, her fists tightly clenched onto my shirt, with absolutely no intention of letting go.

“I’m not going anywhere,” I said. “We have to deal with your leg.”

The man returned, dressed now. He walked down the steps to Yvonne, squatted down and picked her up. Together, we carried her to the bed, me supporting her broken leg. We sat her up and dressed her in a shirt and underpants. She was hysterical with pain, her hands constantly clutching at her damaged leg. It was hideous to witness. In an attempt to make her leg more comfortable, I placed pillows under it. I talked to her, wiped her eyes, soothed and hugged her, wiped the wild hair away from her sweaty face. God, she was in pain.

“Stay here, please,” she sobbed.

“I won’t leave you. The ambulance will be here soon.” I sat on the bed, hugging her.

“Jamaica. Fuck! Jamaica!” Her eyes opened wide.

“Forget about that. We have to get your leg fixed.”

Yvonne’s body shook with sobbing and the pain.

The man went downstairs to wait for the ambulance. At least I hoped that’s what he was doing. Apart from his phone call, he hadn’t said anything at all.

TWO

Ten minutes after the phone call, the ambulance arrived. It was a very long ten minutes. Then there was all the time the ambulance officers spent with her until they took her away. I rode with Yvonne in the back of the ambulance to the hospital. The man said he would follow in his car. He spoke excellent English, I noticed, with an American accent, but his French had sounded fluent on the phone. Not that I was taking everything in. I worked on autopilot, saying what had to be said, doing what had to be done. I hadn’t shed a tear. My pain would follow later, I knew that. I was pretty numb, but my survival instincts had kicked in, taking over from my depleted adrenaline. Yvonne couldn’t cope so I would.

She screamed the whole way to the hospital, screamed during her transfer from the ambulance inside the hospital. I was told to sit in the waiting room and drink coffee, if I needed it. If I wanted to smoke, I had to go outside. All this was told to me in French. It wasn’t very difficult to understand people blocking my way when I attempted to follow Yvonne into Emergency. People dressed in white orderly uniforms, nurses in blue uniforms, maybe some doctors thrown in as well. Maybe the orderlies were in blue and the nurses were in white. How the hell would I know? It was all in French!

“Attendre”. Wait. “Café”. Coffee, with hands pointing to a machine. “Asseyez-vous?” Do you want to sit down? Or… Sit down!, with hands pointing to benches in what I assumed to be the asseyez room. High school French, what a laugh. I understood their gestures a helluva lot better than their words. “Défense de fumer”. No smoking allowed. In amongst the many other words gabbled at me, I clearly heard “Examine”, “X-ray”, “Decision”. I had to wait while they, the people behind that plastic swing door that I was “défense de entrer”, not allowed to go through, examined Yvonne, X-rayed her and then decided what to do with her.

THREE

I had been in the heavily crowded waiting room for over an hour, slouched forward in my plastic seat, sipping my fourth Styrofoam coffee, when a man sat down beside me. It was him. I liked him better with his clothes on. He was very quiet for a while. Then he said, “You’re Lyn, aren’t you?” with a soft American accent. I couldn’t pick it, where in the States he was from. My brain was mushy, too much coffee and definitely too much stress. His voice was nice. I didn’t say anything, sipped my coffee, hardly looked at him. I stared at the black-and-white check linoleum floor. It reminded me of the hospital floor in the Terminator 2: Judgement Day movie where the Terminator came up from being the floor, except this one was dirtier, greyer and much more worn.

My pain was in and kicking. Having someone speak English to me was painful and having someone sit beside me was painful; having that man next to me was too close! My survival time was over, it was time to be a lover who had just been cheated on, time to feel everything!

“I’m Michael Wheaton,” he said. “How is she?”

Took your time in getting here, I thought, but said, “I don’t know.” My voice sounded hoarse and subdued, and I was crying. “They have to check her out and I have to wait.” I looked away from him, at that plastic swing door through which doctors or nurses would come to tell me when I could see her. They’d asked me about her, asked me to fill in forms. I’d told them to ask Yvonne. I didn’t know what address to give, if she used an alias for things like this. They’d persisted with French and I was glad I only spoke English. I could act dumb and shrug my shoulders, avoid their questions even though I had understood.

“Résidence?” Where does she live? Pretty straightforward. Answer, a shrug.

“Nom?” Name? I was tempted to point to myself. Did they want my name or Yvonne’s? Maybe they weren’t sure if she really was her, the famous Yvonne Shuman. I pointed to the plastic swing door and shrugged. Then forms were placed in my hands and a pen. I tossed them back. I didn’t know! I thought I was doing pretty well to understand what I had so far, but forms! Come on!

I sat back and glanced at him. “Could you check on her paperwork? I don’t understand it.”

“I’ll fix it,” he said, and stood up, went away to that land of French forms.

All very civilized, no yelling at the man who had just had sex with Yvonne.

Small tears trickled down my cheeks and a huge lump rose in my throat as I choked on my damn coffee that I hated, was only drinking for something to do. God, I wanted a cigarette. Not for the nicotine buzz, but for that wonderful ability smoking has of giving you something to do with your hands, your mouth, your lungs, your attention. For short lengths of time, you can become completely lost in the world of smoking, escape into the actions necessary to complete the task. Tapping the cigarette out of the packet. Putting it in your mouth. Between your lips. Lighting the match. Smelling the phosphorous burn. That first contact between the cigarette and the match when you inhale deeply. Drawing all that horrible smoke down into your no-longer-virginal, used-to-be-pink lungs. Then the exhale at the same time as the disposal of the match. Making sure the smoke is directed away from your eyes. Watching the smoke rise up from you, the source. Smoking can be an art form. The way it’s done, the way it looks, the way it makes you feel. Bad, tough, mean, able to cope with anything.

Bogie smoked, look at him, he’s dead. He died before I was born. When I heard that, I nearly died from disbelief. I was in my twenties when I heard that Bogie died of throat cancer from smoking before I was born! That’s not why I quit. I loved smoking, loved everything about it. Couldn’t wait till I had a break at work so I could light up a fag or two or three, as many as I could fit into my break. That’s what we called them. “Got a fag?” Had nothing to do with gay men. Pity smoking kills you. Pity smoking makes you cough your guts up every morning. Pity smoking stinks so much to those who don’t smoke. Because I loved smoking. See? I said to myself. Just thinking about smoking took my mind off my problems for about a minute. As long as it takes to smoke a fag. Light up another one. Can’t, I’m out.

I recognized his name, Michael Wheaton. Sally’s husband and Yvonne’s financial adviser. He could handle her forms, the business side of things. Maybe he was an hour late because he’d rung the hospital and knew her condition. Maybe he’d been here all the time and had only just come over to me. I mean, I was the one who walked in on them. Maybe he was wary of me. I did have a designated role. The jilted lover, the other woman, the third one in the triangle, the one who didn’t know. And now does.

FOUR

After what seemed like an eternity, I was shown up to the fourth floor and then to Yvonne’s private room by a nurse/orderly. She lay in bed, wearing a white hospital gown, flat on her back. Nobody had told me anything. I quietly picked up a chair and placed it beside the bed and sat down. Her leg was in plaster, propped up on pillows. The cast went from her toes to above her knee up to her thigh. The sheet and gown were off the plaster to allow it to dry.

Yvonne remained quiet, but her eyes darted here and there under her closed lids. Her face showed the pain and misery she was in, her forehead all screwed up, her lips tight, sucking in on themselves, her cheeks hollowed. She wore no make-up, which should have made her face appear clean, but it didn’t. Instead, it looked dirty and pale. The door opened and in walked a nurse. Being so caught up in my own misery, I barely gave her a second glance, except to notice her hair was exceptionally short. If she’d been wearing a full cap or a veil, I wouldn’t have been able to see any of it. It was jet-black in color and barely a centimeter long. I wondered if she’d just had chemotherapy to combat some sort of cancer or simply liked it that way. It was quite startling. She wore a blue uniform, so my assumptions in the waiting room were confirmed ─ nurses in blue, orderlies in white, doctors yet to be discovered.

She reached out and ran her fingers around each of Yvonne’s toes on the damaged leg, causing Yvonne to open her eyes and wake up, if she had been asleep in the first place. They talked in French while the nurse shifted the pillows to allow the plaster to dry in a different spot. Yvonne had a metal ring suspended by a metal chain above her head. She held onto it and lifted herself up, to help with the pillows being shifted or changed for dry ones if they were wet. There was a portable red heater sitting on the adjustable bed table, blowing hot air onto the plaster to help dry it more quickly. The nurse adjusted the direction of the heater from Yvonne’s calf to her thigh. Obviously, Yvonne’s calf had cooked enough. The nurse finished up and left the room, closing the door behind her. Yvonne settled herself back down, her face again filled with pain and sorrow.

I wasn’t sure if she knew I had been sitting beside her for a good fifteen minutes, or was surprised to see me there at all. Her face showed no sign. I stood up, went around to the other side of the bed, away from her broken leg, and sat down gently on the bed. Yvonne’s eyes followed me around the bed. She held out her hand to me. I took it and hugged our hands to my chest.

“Why, Yvonne? Why did you do it?” I cried softly.

“I don’t know,” she said, shaking her head slightly. She tensed up, closed her eyes.

“Do you need something for the pain?” I asked.

She cried, sobbed. “Yes, please. Lyn, I don’t know,” she cried. Her hand squeezed mine. From pain? For forgiveness?

Yvonne’s crying and her pain halted my own tears. Though only, I thought, on temporary hold. I pressed the buzzer that was pinned to the top of her bottom sheet, within easy reach of her right hand. I had to reach across her to do it.

“Don’t leave me. Please, don’t leave me,” she cried with her eyes open, staring right at me, tears streaming down her face.

“I won’t,” I said, my voice sounding clear and strong. “Listen to me, I’m not going anywhere. Wait for the pain-killers. Relax. I’m not going anywhere.” I wiped her eyes and cheeks with a few tissues.

Seemingly oblivious to my protests, she returned to my first question, Why? and spluttered, “I don’t know,” while rocking her head from side to side on the pillow.

The door opened and in walked the same nurse. Her hair wasn’t so startling the second time around. They spoke in French. It was so frustrating, I didn’t understand a thing.

“What’s happening?” I asked after the door closed. At least I was on the correct side of the door this time.

“She’s getting me an injection. Lyn, please, I’m sorry. I didn’t know,” Yvonne cried. Her eyes were so red and sad, and they returned to staring straight into mine. For some reason, the colors of the rainbow, in their correct order, popped into my head. Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet.

Yvonne’s usually clear whites held the red. Orange was maybe there, a different shade of red. Yellow was there, speckled throughout her irises. Green and blue were easy, she had turquoise eyes, both mixed up together. Anger and pain brought out indigo, a darker shade of blue. Violet was the redness and the turquoise blended together.

“We’ll talk later,” I said. “I’m not going anywhere.” I squeezed her hand a little more firmly. “We can wait.”

FIVE

About a minute later, I was startled by a different nurse walking in. This one was plumpish and blonde and she held an injection in her hand, which she proceeded to plunge into Yvonne’s left thigh muscle, after pushing the sheet down and the gown up. I had been asked to do something by the nurse. I took it to mean, Get off the bed, please. Or… I have to work here!

Yvonne’s thigh was the most accessible site to inject. After the nurse left and closed the door behind her, I returned to my spot on the bed beside Yvonne’s left hip. She rubbed her newly punctured thigh. I could only imagine how many other drugs she had been given. The back of her right hand had a large wad of green gauze on it, strapped down by Elastoplast, indicating an IV site.

I explained to Yvonne why the nurse had chosen her thigh to receive the painful stab and not her backside. She wasn’t particularly interested, just nodded to let me know she’d heard me and maybe understood. I waited until the pain on Yvonne’s face had visibly eased before asking her any questions. She was sleepy now, drifting off into a pain-free, drugged world. Her frown had nearly gone, her lips back to their usual slightly parting selves and her cheeks relaxed, filled out and normal. I held her hand in mine and stroked her face with the other, running my fingernails up into her hairline, smoothing out that worried forehead.

“Tell me how bad the break is,” I said. “And then you can sleep.”

“It’s…” She was tired. “It’s a… there are two breaks, maybe more. I don’t know. Not too bad, not good. I might miss Jamaica.” She was falling asleep on me fast.

“Don’t think about that.”

“I have to,” she said. “Six weeks in plaster. More, maybe.”

“Don’t talk, Yvonne. Let the drug work, your leg is more important. I’ll be here. Sleep, don’t worry,” I said, for the umpteenth time.

“I love you, believe me,” she said, then let her eyes close.

I waited until she was really asleep before returning her hand to her chest. I leant down and kissed her cheek, then went out into the corridor to find some answers.

SIX

After much “Parlez-vous Anglais?” on my part ─ and none of this un petit pas for me on the French side; I would need to speak and understand French fluently to deal with this situation ─ I found a nurse who spoke English and then a doctor who spoke English. But… I wasn’t related to Yvonne, I wasn’t family. They couldn’t, and wouldn’t, tell me anything. They told me they had been in contact with her mother and for me to phone her.

“Should I bring her anything or will she be coming home today?” I asked the doctor. He checked her chart. “I can go to her place and get some things if she needs them,” I said, feeling so detached from Yvonne. We lived together and yet I was being treated like a stranger.

“I can’t tell you anything,” he said, closing Yvonne’s chart.

“I have her key,” I said. “I was there when she had her accident. I was in the ambulance with her. I can go to her house and get her things. Toothbrush, clothes, hairbrush.”

“We can give her what she needs,” he said, and walked off.

I had forgotten again how famous she was. Maybe I’m lucky to be able to see her at all. They were treating me worse than a stranger.

I went back to Yvonne’s room. She had an ensuite; I went to the toilet and then I waited. I was too upset and tired to worry about food and I didn’t want Yvonne to wake up alone.

Michael Wheaton hadn’t come back and I wanted an explanation.

SEVEN

Many hours later, about four, Yvonne stirred and blinked. Nurses had been and gone, checked her toes to make sure they weren’t turning blue from the circulation in her leg being cut off from the plaster being too tight, or else some internal damage affecting a major blood vessel they hadn’t picked up on. They’d moved the pillows and the heater to new spots. I had asked one of them when Yvonne could come home. She couldn’t tell me.

Yvonne’s eyes eventually became wide open. She was groggy, unhappy at where she was and why. Her eyes scanned the room until she found me.

“How are you feeling? Stupid question,” I said.

“Can you sit on the bed? I can’t see you over there.”

I sat down on the bed next to her left hip. She picked up my hand and kissed the back of my fingers a few times, long, slow, warm, open-mouthed kisses, then held it in hers to her chest.

“Why?” I said simply.

“I don’t know,” she said, confusion all over her face.

“Of course you do. You must know. Is it the sex?”

“No, our sex is great. It’s not that,” she said, but her face held another expression, as if she was uncomfortable with her body.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, thinking her leg was about to explode from small bleeding blood vessels filling up inside that massive white plaster cast.

“I have to go to the toilet,” she said, now really uncomfortable at all that implied.

I reached across her and pressed the buzzer.

She could have easily done it herself, but she didn’t want to. With a look of utter disgust on her face, she said, “I don’t want to do it in bed.”

“You have to,” I said in a voice that reinforced what she already knew to be true. If she had enough energy, and it wouldn’t cause her any serious damage, she would have bloody well crawled her way to the toilet. It was only a very tempting ten-minute drag across the floor away. Before a nurse arrived, and while she was awake, I persisted with my questioning. “Tell me why, Yvonne. I have to know.”

She kissed my hand again. This time my fingertips were being blessed. “I don’t know,” she said. “It just happened and ─”

“That’s bullshit! You’ve known him for years, you told me. You don’t suddenly…” I gasped at the thought of maybe this not being a one-off. “Oh, God!” Maybe a long-time arrangement. An affair. A relationship! I was up, off the bed, thinking, walking around the small room, away from Yvonne.

“Lyn, please. Baby, don’t leave me.”

The door opened and a nurse I’d never seen before walked in. There were so many of them and they all spoke to Yvonne in French. This one was short and round, with a freckled face and bright red hair swept back into a long plait. I didn’t try to catch any names. I was in no mood for being friendly and chatty.

“Oui?” she said to Yvonne, and then something else I didn’t understand.

I was busy asking myself questions, such as Did I honestly think of this as not being a one-off? Nota casual sex romp? A spur-of-the-moment thing? And I answered myself, No, I didn’t. It had never occurred to me that Yvonne was being unfaithful to me beyond what I had witnessed earlier. But I had thought of myself as the other woman, the jilted lover. Yes, but only for terminology, not long term! This put an entirely different perspective onto it.

My introspection was diverted by the fact that no one was talking except the nurse, in small sporadic sentences, sometimes only one word at a time, and all in a question-mark sounding voice. Yvonne hadn’t uttered a word.

The nurse was puzzled, asking Yvonne, I assumed, what she wanted.

“Tell her, Yvonne,” I said. “Tell her you need to use a pan.” I turned my head to the nurse. “Go to the toilet,” I said very clearly, enunciating the word toilet without any mistake.

The nurse smiled and nodded and went into the bathroom.

“No, I can wait. I’m not doing it in bed,” Yvonne said very sharply.

“I’m the mountain climber now, and you are the pupil. You are using the pan,” I said firmly.

“I’m scared of heights.”

“So am I. Do you want me to do it?”

“Mmm,” she murmured.

The nurse stood behind me, waiting to get at her patient, so she could finish up and leave.

“I’ll do it,” I said to the nurse and took the bedpan from her hands.

Yvonne said something to her and she left. No problem.

I motioned with my head to the suspended ring above Yvonne’s head. Yvonne raised both hands up and took hold of the ring in readiness. While I pulled her sheet down and her gown up, Yvonne lifted herself up and I slipped the bedpan underneath her. Yvonne lowered herself onto it. Then I threw her gown back over her, covering her up.

“If you can pee on me in the bath, you can pee while I’m in the room,” I said when I didn’t hear any peeing noises.

She made herself relax enough to be able to pee. I could hear it trickling into the plastic bedpan.

“I hate you,” she said.

“Yes. And I hate you more.”

“This is a different hate.”

“I’m sure it is,” I said. She really had a load full in her bladder; it went on and on. It must have been hours and hours and hours since she’d last been, I thought, unless they’d drained her bladder while she was under anesthetic.

I turned my back on grumpy face and went into the bathroom for toilet paper, and suddenly I felt my own urge. Ignoring my bladder needs for the moment, Yvonne hoisted herself up and I wiped her, dropping the used toilet paper into the bedpan and slipping it out.

On my way back to the bathroom, I said, “Don’t worry. Portable bidet coming up.”

I washed and dried Yvonne between her legs, went to the toilet myself, washed and dried my hands, then helped Yvonne to a glass of water. Then she lay back.

“Are you hungry?” I asked her.

“No,” she said, staring at her broken leg covered in plaster.

I leaned against a wall for support, I was so tired. I asked again, “Tell me why, Yvonne. If it wasn’t for sex, then why?”

“It was for sex.”

“But our sex life is great,” I said. I had never thought for a second that I would be having this conversation. She didn’t have to tell me our sex life was great, or vice versa. We were both there when we had it! This was a stupid conversation.

“It’s variety,” she said. “I felt like being with a man. And you weren’t home. I felt sexy and wanted to get off.”

“That doesn’t make sense,” I said. “If I had been there, would you still have wanted him? And why was he there? You said only me and Simone have seen the place. Why suddenly did you let Michael see the place?” I pushed off from the wall and started walking around the small room. “Or did you go there on purpose to have sex, in our bed?” I asked coldly.

“You weren’t there. I don’t know!” she yelled.

“That’s crap! Of course you know. Tell me something, Yvonne. I’m in pain and I want you to fix me.” Now I cried. I sat down on the closest chair and howled, held my face in my hands and really howled, letting an emotional dam burst out in whatever way it wanted and needed, my energy draining out with every gut-wrenching sob.

EIGHT

Five minutes later, I stood up and stumbled into the bathroom. I was a mess; tired, hungry, drained emotionally and physically. I splashed cold water over my face, dried it and went back out. I drank a glass of water from Yvonne’s water container, using her glass. Then I drank another; my throat was sore from crying.

I had to sit down. I felt quite faint and wobbly. But not on her bed. I made the extra effort to walk the few steps to another chair. The room was filled with chairs, at least seven, spaced out around the room.

Yvonne wasn’t talking. She was waiting for me to start the next round, or hoping that I wouldn’t. Fat chance of that!

I felt as if I were slightly drunk. I was dead tired, brain dead.

“Are you having an affair with him? Or are you having an affair with me? What, Yvonne? I need to know,” I said.

“I love you, I don’t love Michael. Michael’s a friend. I love him as a friend. I love you, Lyn. Only you. I don’t know why,” she said, not making any sense at all.

“Have you had sex with him before?”

“Yes.”

“What about Sally? She’s one of your best friends.”

“I love you, not Michael.”

“That’s not enough. You’re doing this on purpose. You’re trying to break us up… all those bad moods. You’re testing me. You want us to break up, but you haven’t got the guts to tell me. You want me to leave, not the other way round. Why else would you bring someone back to our place, knowing I could walk in at any second and catch you? What about AIDS? What about diseases?” Once I started talking, it roller coasted.

“I don’t want us to bust up,” she said in a tired voice, “and Michael is safe. He hasn’t got AIDS or anything. You won’t catch anything from me.”

“Except lies!” I yelled at her.

“Don’t leave me, please. I’m sorry, but it was just sex. It has nothing to do with love.”

Yvonne was becoming really overwrought. She was more worried about us breaking up than she was about her leg, and her leg really hurt. Even on the stairs, when she first broke it, all she’d been concerned about was that I would leave her. She hadn’t calmed down until she was convinced we would be all right.

“We’ll talk about it when you’re not in so much pain,” I said in a controlled voice.

Yvonne whisked another tissue out of the box and wiped her eyes.

The door opened and a doctor walked in. No knocking, just barged in. The doctor was of the male variety (so typical, I thought sarcastically, doctors male, nurses female). He had a full beard and moustache and wore a brown suit and tie with an official white coat over the top and a stethoscope slung around his neck. Since they would be speaking French and I wasn’t of any concern, I walked out.

I found a chair outside in the corridor, sat down and waited.

NINE

After the consultation, which lasted about twenty minutes, I walked back in, closed the door. “What did he say?”

Yvonne looked subdued.

“Yvonne, what did he say?” I sat on the bed, and she lifted her arms up to me as she cried. She cried into my chest, tears soaking my shirt; huge, gasping, violent sobs. “Is it what the doctor said?” I asked, hugging her to me, with my arms around her, my hand cradling her head.

A minute later, huge sighs and big, deep breaths replaced the sobbing and she slowly calmed down. “I love you,” she spluttered.

I managed to pass her a tissue. “You really screamed in the ambulance,” I said when the crisis seemed to have passed.

“I’m Italian,” she said, her chest rising and falling heavily.

“So we’re Italian now, are we?” I said, pushing her wild hair back from her face. I held her face in my hands and looked at her.

“I’m sorry,” she said, and took a deep, deep breath. “And stop stealing my nationalities from me.” A bit of the old, fighting Yvonne returning.

“What did the doctor say?”

She sniffed, wiped her eyes. “He said…” She broke off to take another deep breath. “I’m so tired.”

“Pain makes you tired,” I said, still waiting.

“I’m not going to tell you until I know you aren’t leaving,” she said.

“I’m not leaving,” I stressed. “Yvonne, tell me. I’m not leaving. I wouldn’t leave you now.”

“What? You wait until I’m up and then leave?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “Just tell me what he said or I’ll break your other leg.”

“May as well. Jamaica is over, I can’t go.”

“Yvonne, tell me exactly what he said,” I said very slowly and firmly to this woman who had given up on herself, because she was too worried about us.

“He said I have to stay in this thing for six to eight weeks.”

“What else? He was in here a long time. Yvonne, come on, tell me,” I urged her on. She wasn’t up; she was down and out.

“He said maybe I could go if it heals well. But I can’t get around in this! I won’t be able to get a suntan. I won’t be able to go to the gym. I’ll have one leg bigger than the other,” she complained loudly and bitterly.

“This is your leg! The main thing is to get it working properly again. How bad is the break?”

“It’s broken in three places… you’d understand more than I would.” She glanced past me at the phone on her bedside table.

“Who do you want to call?”

“Mama.”

“Is she coming up?”

Yvonne shook her head. “No, it’s only a broken leg. I have to be dying before she would come here. She hates Paris, the city. She knows you are here. You are here,” she emphasized. “Lyn. I didn’t mean it.”

“I want to know about your leg.”

“Kiss me. Please, Lyn. Kiss me,” she cried, drawing me down to her with her hands firmly attached to my shirt. Her hands switched to my hair, keeping it away from our faces as we kissed, briefly. It was more of a gesture than from any passion. “My leg will be all right,” she muttered into my neck. “I’m worried about us.”

I sat up a little. She continued to hold my hair back; it kept falling in her face. “Don’t worry about us,” I said. “I won’t go anywhere, I promise. Do you have to stay over?”

She nodded, tears always on the verge. “Yes. I wish you could stay,” she cried a little.

“I won’t run away. I’ll be back tomorrow to take you home. What did the doctor really say and what do you need?” I asked.

“I don’t need anything. I’m tired, I’ll sleep. I can go when the plaster is dry and my leg is okay… from the pain point of view, and if it’s not crushing any blood vessels… you know all this,” she said slightly impatiently.

I nodded. “What about the breaks? Where are they? How bad are they? Tell me what he said. No-one will tell me anything. I have absolutely no status here!” I was angry now.

“If I’m lucky, maybe I can have a plastic cast, a removable one. But not to get my hopes up. Another doctor is going to review my X-rays tomorrow.” She could see the impatience on my face. “It’s broken in three places. Twice on the big bone in front.”

“The tibia.”

She nodded, shrugged. “And once on the little one behind.”

“The fibula.”

She nodded again. “So, they are clean breaks. No shattered bits. I did it well, apparently. They set it, I had an operation.”

“Not really,” I said. “They probably just put you to sleep… I don’t know. But did they put any metal things in your leg?”

She shook her head. “No, just pulled it apparently. Put it back together.”

“That’s good,” I said encouragingly.

She nodded; she wasn’t too sure. “I suppose.”

“What else, before you get another injection or I get thrown out?”

“That’s all. Wait and see. I really want to go to Jamaica, and sort all the bookings I’m going to miss. But Jamaica is important,” she said, seeming to be getting it together a bit.

“What can I do?”

“Nothing. Just be here tomorrow and take me home. How will they do that? And how did they get me down the stairs?”

“Don’t you remember? God, you were screaming. The Italian side in you really came out. They strapped you to a stretcher and carried the whole thing down. I suppose they’ll do it the same way. Let them work it out, it’s their job.” I could see Yvonne thinking, her brain hard at work. “Are you sure you don’t need anything?” I asked. “Make-up, Vogue clothes? Toothbrush?” Yvonne shook her head to all of them. “We have to talk about Michael,” I said, “and does Sally know?”

“I’m tired,” she said.

“Tired of questions,” I said. “Just give me something, some reason.”

“Sex, I wanted sex. Michael was there and…”

“No, he wasn’t just there,” I said.

“He’s a friend, he’s my business adviser. I wanted to show him where I live.”

“And you decided, ‘Hey, I’m randy. I think I’ll have sex with my best friend’s husband!’ ”

“No, Lyn, baby. I wanted to have sex and we did. I’m tired. Don’t leave angry. Kiss me again. I can’t get up to you. I need you… I’m not ashamed to say it.”

“It doesn’t make sense,” I said. “You said our sex was good. So why do you need more!”

She shrugged, her hands holding my arms tightly. “I don’t know, Lyn. It happened.”

“Will it happen again?” I asked, feeling her clinging to me.

“It’s just sex, it’s not love. Can’t you believe me? I love you. Kiss me, please. Don’t leave angry.”

I bent down and we kissed. Her breath stank and her hair was a mess. “I’ll leave my hairbrush for you, at least.”

She nodded to that. “You’re tired,” she said, “and you haven’t had anything to eat since this happened, have you? You’ll fade away. Go home, eat a wholesome Simone meal, and let me sleep. I’m really tired and I have some phone calls to make. You can’t help,” she said quickly when she saw my face light up. “I’ll need some more pain-killers soon. What’s the time?”

I looked at my watch. “Eight forty-five.”

She frowned. “That’s late! God, you must be starving.”

“You’re changing the subject.”

“No. I think I need a nurse for some pain-killers,” she said, frowning some more and squirming.

I reached across and pressed the buzzer. “I won’t run away,” I assured her. “I’ll be here first thing in the morning. Do you want me to stay and have dinner with you?”

“No, I’m not hungry. I just want to make some quick phone calls and sleep. Leave your brush, I’ll need that, and bring some clothes for tomorrow.”

“I’ll ring you… no, I can’t. Shit! I hate not being in my own country. You mightn’t need clothes. I’ll bring them,” I said.

The door opened and the tubby nurse with the long red plait walked in. Yvonne spoke to her. She said something back and left.

“Well?”

Yvonne wasn’t very quick on the uptake. “Huh?” she muttered. “Oh. I’m not due for pain-killers. I’ve had enough, apparently.”

“I’ll stay until you are. I’m fine,” I said, not really sure if I was. Free of that intense feeling that we were splitting up had restored some of my energy. “I’m worried about you, in all departments.”

“I don’t want to talk about it any more. Can you get the phone for me? Really, for the last time, I need to make the calls and then I just want to sleep. I love you, but you are being a pain. I don’t need questions right now. Can’t you understand that?”

I bent down and kissed her briefly. “Sure,” I said, hopping off the bed.

“Can I trust you?” she asked, her eyes following my progress around the bed to my bag. I took out my brush and brushed my hair.

“I said I’ll be here tomorrow and I will. What about you? Can I trust you?” I left the brush and comb on the table next to the heater, which was still running.

“I’m not answering any more questions. Go away, Lyn. You’re annoying me.”

“Ring me if you want me for anything,” I said. “Even just to chat. I haven’t any plans. My girlfriend’s in the hospital and she hates me.”

“She probably hates herself.”

“I’m leaving. We can talk about this forever when you get home. I’m interested in that plastic, removable cast… sounds good,” I said, standing at the door, ready to leave.

“Bye. Don’t hate me too much. It was just sex, no big deal. Go!” she said, throwing her arms across her eyes and ears, blocking out anything more that I might have added.

I didn’t want to leave us like this.

“Go before we start arguing,” she said, “but get the phone for me first.”

I picked up the phone and arranged it on the bed beside her. Then I dragged her arms down and kissed her like a loving, sexy girlfriend would kiss ─ one not going away soon.

CHAPTER 23

NEVER CRY WOLF

ONE

Nine a.m., sharp, I bolted out of bed straight into the shower as soon as my brain clicked into gear, which was a minute after opening my eyes. When I had to, I could manage early-rises, but not for long. I returned to the hospital with a large bag of clothes and a smaller one containing make-up. I had eaten a bowl of spaghetti bolognaise, watched some TV and slept alone. Yvonne must have rung Simone to tell her what had happened because she had food ready as soon as I was ready for it and she smiled at me and patted my shoulder in a motherly fashion. I’d fallen asleep one second after my head hit the pillow and woken to a lonely bed.

Yvonne wasn’t in her hospital room or in the bathroom. I dumped my load on a chair, sat on another one and waited. I was sorely tempted to straighten up the bed. Not only was it unmade, it was really rumpled, with the sheets, quilt and many pillows just tossed aside and around, as if no-one had even attempted to tidy it up after the occupant had left. What really bugged me was the bottom sheet. As well as being rumpled, it had a wet spot right where a bedpan would have been.

Suddenly, the door unceremoniously flew open, and a big white leg charged into the room, followed by Yvonne in a wheelchair pushed by the tubby red-haired nurse. Yvonne had a white hospital gown on, which was shoved down between her legs, and a blanket draped around her shoulders. She looked a total mess. The tubby nurse didn’t seem much better on the attitude scale; she looked very harassed.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

The nurse and Yvonne didn’t say a word to each other. The nurse attempted to get Yvonne back into bed. Yvonne was flung around everywhere. She stood up on her good leg, then tried to sit on the bed as the nurse crouched, trying to lift the heavy, plastered leg.

I raced around to the other side of the bed and placed my hands squarely under Yvonne’s backside. Yvonne gripped the ring above her and we two swung her in, landing her right on the wet patch.

“What do you mean, what’s wrong?” Yvonne barked at me. “Isn’t it obvious?”

“I meant, did anything major happen while I was away?” I said. The nurse and I straightened the bed around Yvonne. The head of the bed was raised and she sat up with pillows behind her head and under her broken leg.

“Nothing major. I just want to go home! I hate hospitals!” Yvonne yelled at the tubby nurse, who just frowned, flicked her long red plait onto the other shoulder and continued to tuck in sheets and blankets.

“Are you giving everyone a hard time?” I whispered.

“Why are you whispering?” Yvonne yelled loudly. “Who cares if I am a bitch? I don’t care! I’m in pain! And no-one will give me anything!”

“Where were you?” I asked.

“When?”

“Just now. You weren’t here.”

“Oh. I was supposed to have a bath. But the bath was occupied!” she yelled at the tubby nurse, who gave in and left. Yvonne smiled at her leaving and settled back, exhausted, on her dirty pillows.

“Have a bath at home,” I said, sitting down and running my fingers through her unkempt hair.

She relaxed, closed her eyes and sighed deeply.

“It’ll be different at home,” I said quietly.

“Don’t argue with me,” she said. “I’m being punished enough. God… having to explain how this happened. If one more person asks me, I’ll scream,” she said tiredly and exasperatedly. Yvonne not in control of her life… not a pretty sight.

“What are you telling people?” I asked.

She opened her mouth and let out a huge, ear-piercing scream.

I put my hands over my ears, and ducked for cover. No one came. The door remained closed. Not even a whisper of movement behind it.

“Jesus!” I said. “Why isn’t anyone flying in here to see why you’re screaming? You must be hell in here.”

“I told you not to annoy me. Just get me out of here!” she yelled at me.

“How? I don’t know how!”

“I do, I’ll call them up. They don’t answer my buzzer anymore, but I rang Enquiries and got the phone number of this ward. I’ll pretend I’m Mama and want to know when my darling daughter is going home. And how she’s going home!” Yvonne yelled the last bit right at the door. She dropped the phone into her lap and dialed.

“I brought your clothes and make-up,” I said.

“Yeah, sure. Like you know what to choose… and make-up. You probably brought me…” This tirade directed at me was swiftly diverted into the phone in French.

I escaped into the bathroom and closed the door. What a maniac! And then thought how silly I was to be in the bathroom. No way out except past her. So, to buy myself some time, I used the toilet and took my time washing and drying my hands.

When I emerged, Yvonne was still raving on, in French, into the phone.

Yvonne slammed it down and practically threw it onto the table beside her, then snapped at me, “I’m not going to bite you.”

“I’m not coming near you,” I said from my seat near the door to the corridor.

“Come here, please,” she said with her hand out, her fingers wriggling.

“I am not the staff. I didn’t break your leg and I used to love you.”

“I’m sorry. I’m miserable,” Yvonne said, calming down a bit.

I muttered, “You bitch,” under my breath with my hand across my mouth to cover a smile.

She held her right elbow in the palm of her left hand and waved at me, like Granny Clampett from The Beverly Hillbillies waving goodbye. She even whispered, “You all come back now, you hear,” in a close enough impersonation of the guy who did The Beverly Hillbillies song. But she was still angry; her face all scrunched up, her body tense.

“Relax,” I said, “no arguing. Not until you get home at least. This can’t be helping the pain.”

“What pain? When I yell, I don’t have any pain. Now I have and I need to hold you. It’s all your fault.”

“Of course it is. Everything is my fault,” I said, walking around the bed and sitting down beside her.

She hugged me, wrapping her arms tightly around me. I threw my arms around her and hugged her back.

“Have you cleaned your teeth?” I asked.

“Yes. Have you?”

We both backed off enough to move in for a long smooch. This time her mouth was fresh and inviting. Our arms roamed around, squeezing each other tightly, mine running up and down her back, through gaps in the loosely tied gown.

Yvonne stopped first, collapsing back onto her pillows.

“What did Mama find out?” I asked, trying to do something with her hair. I had never seen her hair, or, for that matter, her whole self, so untidy before. It was quite odd. This was how I had always expected to see her one morning, waking up beside me. And now I was seeing Yvonne Shuman at her worst. The eyelids drooped with pain and tiredness, the frown had returned and she was grumpy. She was still incredibly beautiful, but she had lost her sparkle. Even our kiss and cuddle hadn’t brought it back.

“Heaps,” she said. “They tell my mother everything. One doctor to another. They don’t tell me anything! I’m going home after my X-rays have been checked out. They have an ambulance booked for me, some time this morning.”

“Do you want me to brush your hair? You look a mess.”

Yvonne rested back, her right arm above her head. “No,” she said. “I want to look awful. Let them know how rotten they are to me.”

“Don’t yell,” I said, then asked, “Have you eaten?”

She nodded.

“Good.”

“Have you?”

“Yes,” I said. “What are you telling people?”

Yvonne groaned loudly, but proceeded to tell me. “Simple. I fell down the stairs. Everyone wants to make something more of it.”

“Who’s everyone?”

“People don’t just fall down the stairs. ‘Who were you yelling at? Who was with you? Were you being raped?’ ”

“Who the hell is asking these questions?”

“I’m sorry. You probably did bring the right clothes,” she said, cupping the side of my face in her hand and smiling a little.

“Probably not. Who said it?”

Her hand dropped onto my leg. “Lots of people. No one can believe I just, out of the blue, fell down the stairs.”

“Are we going to have problems with the press, getting out of here?”

“No, they don’t know. I’m handling it. Don’t you start worrying. You look tired. I don’t want this to affect your health.”

“It already has. Yesterday was so awful, but I was so tired I just fell into bed and died, a long, lonely sleep. Now, today, I’m worried about us and your leg.”

Our roles were reversed again. Yvonne was my mother, or at least my caring lover, again.

TWO

I helped Yvonne use a bedpan, washed and dried between her legs and her backside, left a clean, dry towel under her, then helped her to dress. She laughed when she saw my choice of below-the-waist clothes for her. The top was okay, not great, but no problem. I’d brought her a shirt and a jacket. The bottom was difficult. She didn’t have any old, baggy pants I could cut to fit her plastered leg. The only thing I’d found that was suitable was a very short skirt and a pair of black tights that I’d cut the right leg out of, and a pair of proper underpants, no G-string, and one shoe for her one foot.

“Why did you choose such a short skirt?” she asked.

“All the others were too stylish and too much material, it would get in the way. And all your clothes need dry-cleaning. I’ll have to buy you some.”

“You aren’t buying me anything! I’ve already organized my new wardrobe.”

“Do I get to know, or will I find out the hard way?”

“You’ll find out,” she said, smiling.

THREE

Yvonne relented and brushed her knotty, wild hair. Then she had a good scrub with granulated face cleanser, applied toner and moisturizer, and, finally, some make-up. Apart from the face-cleaning equipment, Yvonne was right, I had brought all the wrong things, and her clothes annoyed her. But, most of all, having to wait to be let out annoyed her. Strangely enough, she didn’t complain about her leg much, not verbally. She looked uncomfortable and I was sure she was worried about it, but Jamaica was her main concern. Would she be able to go? And how would she manage it once she was there? How bad would her accident be for her career?

FOUR

An English-speaking doctor, thank God, turned up around mid-morning and showed us Yvonne’s X-rays and explained to both of us the damage and the prognosis. He was very patient, explaining it all in simple terms, and gave Yvonne some very reassuring news. He’d introduced himself as Gerard something… too difficult for me to pronounce.

“Go home and rest it,” he said. “Don’t put any weight on the leg until the bones are set. The X-rays are very good, the bones are in very good alignment.”

Yvonne swung her head from the right, where the doctor was standing, to the left, where I was sitting on the bed, listening to the doctor’s report.

“They’re straight,” I said. Yvonne’s head swung back to the right.

The doctor continued. “In a couple of weeks, come back and we’ll X-ray you again. If the bones are still this good, which they should be, then we can maybe take the cast off in four weeks instead of six and put you into a removable, plastic cast. It’s very heavy and you have to wear it all the time, but you can take if off to wash the leg. The main thing is that you wear the plastic cast for another two weeks and then you can change to a lighter cast, which you can remove as long as you don’t put any weight on your leg. You can remove this cast for your job. When are you going to Jamaica?”

“I’m supposed to go in three weeks,” Yvonne said.

“Can you delay it? I’d like to keep this one on for at least four. Four would be the minimum,” he said, tapping the plaster cast with his finger.

“I suppose I’ll have to,” she said.

“Once in Jamaica,” he said, “you’ll be wearing the plastic one. We’ll fit that so you can travel in it. It bends a bit at the knee. It’s more flexible, but it’s very heavy and will have to be strapped on after you wash your leg very carefully. You’ve got someone travelling with you that can help you?” he asked, looking at me.

“Yes, I’m going,” I said. “I can handle it. You show me and I’ll do it.”

“She was a nurse,” Yvonne said. “A registered nurse, isn’t it?”

“That’s right,” I said. “I’m an unregistered registered nurse. Strange title.”

“So she can do it, and I want my leg back one hundred per cent. When can I walk on it?” Yvonne asked.

“That will depend on a lot of things,” the doctor said. “It’s early days yet. We’ll talk more in two weeks. You’re impatient to know.”

“Yes, my leg is… when can I walk?” Yvonne was unnerved by the way he ducked the walking question.

“First off, we talk about weight-bearing. That means exactly that. You cannot put any weight on the leg at all. Not even a little. Especially not when you have the plaster cast on and then the heavy, plastic one. I’ve been told you’ll have a physiotherapist with you. She or he will guide you, when you have the lighter cast on. It will all depend on pain levels and how well the bones have healed. It’s too soon to be talking about walking. Let’s give the bones time to heal. I don’t want to tell you when, because you’ll be expecting it to happen, and if it doesn’t, you’ll get upset. It will be at least ─ the absolute least ─ six weeks before you can even think of putting any weight on it. Then you have to allow for maybe only just a very small amount of weight. This is really worth taking very slowly… the physio will guide you. Don’t expect to be walking on it for at least two months, but you can do your job in about four weeks, with your leg off the ground. You’ll have to look sexy with a bent leg, how’s that? Any questions?”

“I don’t know. Lyn, what do you think?” Yvonne turned her head to the left.

“Um, I don’t know.” I had to think. “What about exercising it when the plastic cast is off, passive exercises?” I said, not sure at all what I should ask. Physiotherapy wasn’t my field.

“The physio will guide you. We’ll know more in two weeks. We’ll do a more detailed X-ray then, really look to see how well the bones are knitting together,” he said with his hands fisted together, like bones healing.

“Anything else?” I asked Yvonne, and ran my hand over her left thigh, through her tights.

She was very quiet, taking it all in. “No. I just want to go home,” she said thoughtfully. Then she asked the doctor, “How do I get around, and what about the pain?” The questions were coming to her.

“You’ll be fitted for crutches and I’ll prescribe some oral pain-killers. Have you got a doctor of your own?” he asked, flicking through her file to see if he’d missed something.

Yvonne nearly choked on his question, but answered him as if he hadn’t just made what was to her an incredible blunder. “Yes, I have my own doctor.” I could practically hear her say, Where on earth has this guy been? Doesn’t he know I have a mother who is a doctor? “Will there be much pain?” Yvonne asked him apprehensively.

“Hard to tell. Everyone reacts differently. Take each day as it comes. Keep in touch with your local doctor, report any pain that you think is excessive. If it starts to get worse or changes… it should lessen, not increase. If it increases, call your doctor or come back here. Also, check your toes, watch for swelling and any change in color. We don’t want blue or numb toes. If in doubt, call us and we’ll advise you. I won’t be around, this isn’t my usual hospital.”

That’s why he doesn’t know about Dr Mama.

“But I’ll see you in two weeks to review your new X-rays. They’ll fix you up with appointments, crutches. Anything else you need to know?” he asked both of us. He looked from Yvonne’s face to mine, then back again.

“We should keep it raised,” I said.

“Yes, keep it up as much as possible. Rest it. It’ll tell you if you’re not. Until I see you again, just take a two-week holiday. And I mean holiday. Don’t think you have to go marching around, pushing through the pain. Listen to your leg. It’s hurt, it needs time, patience and lots of rest. For two weeks, nothing! Lie down, get about on crutches when you have to, and do some body and left leg exercises.”

This is what we want to know, I thought.

“Don’t just lie there, move the rest of your body around, but not this guy, keep him still,” he said, tapping her plastered leg again.

FIVE

“That’s not too bad,” I said after the door closed behind the doctor.

“No, I suppose, but that plastic, heavy cast sounds awful,” Yvonne said, not overly impressed with anything.

“You’ll only have to wear it for two weeks and then we can change to a lighter one.”

“What’s all this we crap? I’m the one in pain. And why did he say we all the time?” she said, glaring at the closed door.

“They all say that. He means we, as in him and all the other people looking after you, the radiologist, the nurses, the physios. Will there be a physio?”

“Yes, I’ll arrange one, no problem. I’m wearing the plastic one so I won’t have to go through the whole procedure of having the plaster one removed while we’re away. Where we’re going they don’t have the facilities to make plaster casts. Apparently, I’ll have to come back in here, have this guy removed and then they make a personalized plastic cast of my leg, two of them. It takes all day and I have to be in here to do it. They can’t do that where we’re going. Otherwise, I spend six weeks in this thing, have it X-rayed over there somewhere, send the X-rays back here … it’s a mess. They, them, the doctors here, think it’s best this way. You’ll be working, looking after my leg. I can hire someone, no problem.”

“Sure,” I said. “You are going to hire a stranger to help you pull your pants down and sit on the toilet, help you naked into a bath, which you pee in when you want. I haven’t even seen you on a toilet and… forget it, I’ll be there.”

“Good. This is going to be hell. I am being punished and I’m dragging you down with me.”

“I’ve been through worse.”

“That reminds me. Don’t you dare say ‘It could have been worse’ or ‘You could have broken your neck.’ I was alone, you came in, found me, and I called the ambulance.”

“Why you?”

“You don’t speak French. You wouldn’t know who to call.”

“It was a male voice that called,” I reminded her.

“This is not a detective story. No one is asking.”

“What if they do?”

“Why would anyone? It’s simple. We agreed to meet at home for lunch. I fell down, you found me.”

“Were you naked or dressed?”

“Half-dressed. Shirt, no underpants… that’s me. You put underpants on me.”

“How did I get you back to bed?”

She groaned, glared at me. “Okay! Jesus!” she cursed, waving her arms around in annoyance. “Michael was there, I invited him for lunch. I fell down, he carried me up. You came home just in time to go with me in the ambulance. You were in the ambulance?”

“Yes. Why can’t you remember the ambulance? You didn’t hit your head.”

“No, I didn’t hit my head! Why does everyone ask me that?” she snapped at me.

“Because it’s important. What do you remember? And… why were you only half-dressed if Michael was there?”

“Because you took my black wool pants off me!” she said, staring at me, waiting to hear of any more flaws in her plan.

“Why did you smell of sex? Male sex?”

“I did not smell of sex!” she said vehemently.

“Yes, you did. You reeked of it!”

“Lyn, please. I’m sorry. Wait till we get home. And what happened is, I fell down the stairs, nothing else. If anyone asks, you don’t know.”

“Of course I know! I was there, I can’t lie.”

“Why not? You want to go around telling the truth? I don’t mind. Sally and Michael might, but I don’t.”

Just then the tubby nurse and a female doctor I hadn’t seen before – yes! – came in to get Yvonne ready for discharge from the hospital. Everyone talked in French. I said nothing. Our fight seemed to have flared up again.

CHAPTER 24

I SAW WHAT YOU DID

ONE

We couldn’t discuss anything personal until Yvonne had been fitted for crutches and instructed in the use of them by a physio, who had joined the group by then. All of this commotion was accompanied by very loud expletives from Yvonne in many languages; the more frustrated, annoyed and in pain she was, the more multilingual and multinational she became.

“I’m Italian, I’m allowed to complain,” she said to anyone who would listen. She said this in English for my benefit, and in French for the few unfortunate French-speaking around her.

She was escorted out of the hospital, very quickly, in a wheelchair; the staff couldn’t get rid of her fast enough. Then she was bundled onto a stretcher and lifted into the ambulance. At home, it was the reverse; out of the ambulance, up the stairs and onto the bed. Yvonne never shut up, never let up on how painful it was to break a leg, how this was going to affect her trip to Jamaica, how this was going to affect her life, her leg, her…

“Shut up!” I yelled at her with my knuckles burrowing into my aching temples. “We’ve got the message! Now give it a break already!”

Yvonne was stunned by my outburst. She was so stunned she shut up and lay back on the bed. The ambulance officers hurriedly packed up their gear and left. Their painful patient was no longer their concern. I thanked them, saw them to the door and closed it behind them, then leant back on it, dreading having to go back upstairs to more of Yvonne. My head pounded from all the confusion and noise.

Slowly, very bravely, I headed back up the stairs, calling, “Don’t say anything.”

Yvonne lay on her back in the middle of the bed. Her face had a huge frown on it as she half-sat up on her elbows, wearing ridiculous clothes that even I knew looked stupid, with a huge, white, plastered leg stuck out straight from her body. The left leg was black, from the cut-off tights, and bent.

“Why can’t I talk?” she growled. Her eyes were dark and menacing, showing indigo and violet.

I lay down on the sofa and closed my eyes. “Because you are a pain.” I rubbed my neck. “In every sense of the word… a pain!”

I heard a large, meant-to-be-heard groan and the sound of Yvonne’s body landing heavily back on the bed. “I need pills, I need the phone and I need you, in that order,” she said, sounding like she was reading requests off a list.

“Give me a minute, I’ve got a killer headache. I need peace and quiet for one minute. Can you do that? Can you shut up for one minute?” I barked.

A loud clunk and the phone was on the floor beside me, the hand piece emitting that horrible, buzzing dial tone. Yvonne had the phone cord in her hands and she dragged not only the phone, but the Persian throw rugs, as well, which had been strategically placed over the long-running cord so we wouldn’t fall over it. Because I had opened my eyes in time to see the phone do its swan dive onto the rug, the shock wasn’t too bad. At least that was one job off my list.

Still, I was in pain and so was she, so I reluctantly dragged myself very slowly off the sofa and sat on the end of the bed. Her pills were in the canvas bag I’d taken to the hospital. I had never seen someone so unceremoniously dumped onto a bed before, someone who had just been whipped out of an ambulance, hauled upstairs, unstrapped, and then dumped, all this with a broken leg. They weren’t cruel, just very quick, spending a minimum amount of time making Yvonne comfortable or giving her the feeling that she was someone special. They did the exact opposite.

I started laughing, holding my aching head in my hands and laughing. Yvonne’s left foot massaged my back, slowly but firmly running up and down it. I could hear her prattling on in French behind me into the phone.

I went to the bar fridge and filled two glasses with cold water. Simone kept a ready supply of clean glasses, a few bowls and some cutlery on a tray on top of the bar fridge.

I handed Yvonne two of her pills. She was sitting up, leaning against the brick wall with pillows behind her. She must have dragged herself up the bed and fixed the pillows herself. So she wasn’t totally useless. She cupped the phone onto her shoulder and swallowed the pills and the water between talking and listening.

I was walking away when I heard, “Lyn.” I turned around. Yvonne had her hand over the mouthpiece of the phone. “Thanks. Eat something and lie down. You look tired.”

I stood still, with an empty glass and a full glass in my hands, looking at a talking-very-sanely, peaceful-and-caring person, who now just happened to be raving and yelling into the phone. I was stunned. I didn’t know what to do. I just stood there, staring at her. It had been, and continued to be, an act. She wasn’t angry with me. She was ─ God forbid the word ─ sweet. I was witnessing Yvonne, the Ice Princess, in full throttle, giving orders, not taking any crap and! taking time out to very calmly take her pills and talk to me. She spoke in English and French, some Italian thrown in as well. I left Yvonne to her own strange and totally-out-of-my-depth world to get pills for my headache from the bathroom.

Remembering the doctor’s words, and with my own training coming back to me about Yvonne’s leg having to be raised, I collected two pillows from the other bed, fitted pillowcases to them and arranged them lengthwise under Yvonne’s leg. Then I lay down beside her, without a pillow, and closed my eyes.

Yvonne was still on the phone, taking notes now, and very much in command. I felt with my hand, slowly, up her body to her mouth and covered it. That lasted only half a second before being removed. But it did give her the message. She brought the yelling and the raving down to a dull and very persistent, painful roar. I lay on my side, away from her, with one ear jammed into the bed and my hand over the other one, blocking out a mere quarter of the noise. I should have gone into the spare room, but maybe Yvonne would need me for something, so I decided to stay where I was

TWO

“When are we going to discuss your unfaithfulness?” I asked Yvonne.

The phone calls were over, the new clothes had been delivered by a person I hadn’t met before ─ some were kept, others were sent back to be replaced ─ and I had found another pillow in the top of Yvonne’s wardrobe. We sat back comfortably, having a late lunch; chicken soup (more like a stew), cheese sandwiches with the crusts cut off and coffee. Yvonne had missed hers this morning, or so she said.

“My unfaithfulness? What a strange word,” Yvonne mused.

“Get to it. I haven’t forgotten what I saw in this bed. God, I hope Simone changed the sheets,” I said, looking down at the rumpled bedclothes, which had very recently been soiled with sex and not my sex.

“She did,” Yvonne said with complete assurance, enjoying her wonderful, full-of-calories meal.

The bed had been made when I returned home from the hospital last night, but I was so tired and hungry I forgot all about clean sheets.

“I haven’t been through this before. Being on the… I was going to say ‘receiving end’. But I haven’t been involved in anything like this before. No one has ever walked in on me and I haven’t ever been unfaithful to anyone. So I’m new at all aspects of this,” I said, my soup growing cold. “And that was all an act,” I said, watching Yvonne wolfing down her food.

“What was?”

“At the hospital, on the phone.”

“Of course it was. Don’t tell anyone. You’re privy to my secrets now.”

“Why, though?”

“It’s business. Get in first before they get you. You act demure and stupid and that’s how you are treated. I do it all the time, I’m used to it. It’s expected of me and I enjoy it. I don’t get shoved around, I shove them around.”

“But that’s an insane way to live your life. Always yelling at everyone.”

“Can we do this in order of priority?” Yvonne waited for me to give her my full attention before going on.

“May as well,” I said with thoughts of Yvonne naked in bed with that guy, Michael. Doing things that were obviously what they were. No mistaking it for something else. No excuses or trying to explain it away as some laughable got caught in the rain, had to change our clothes. I mean, I walked in on them in the actual act. Not foreplay or after-play, but the act. Fucking. I saw it all. And as well as those images, I had the wonderful images of Yvonne yelling and raving on the phone, to the hospital people, the ambulance people and the poor woman who brought Yvonne her new clothes, which were now lying around the apartment, waiting for Simone to return from her shopping to put them all away. Plus… I had the very persistent and nagging-away-at-me fact that Yvonne had a broken leg, needed to have a bath, probably needed to go to the toilet, and I didn’t know if I should, or wanted to, deal with any of them. I was tired and messed up.

Two days ago, Yvonne had been a faithful lover slash partner. She was calm most of the time, funny, sexy and very caring. To everyone else she was hell on earth. They had warned me about her, the Ice Princess who never smiles. Yvonne had even shown me a few, small examples of her weirdness, and now I had to deal with another aspect, a broken leg and all that entailed.

“I can deal with the broken leg,” I began slowly, getting my priorities in first. “I’m used to that. And, if you have to conduct your business that way, then I’m not going to try and mess with that. You’ve been doing it for a long time. No point in dealing with that now. But… Michael, and what I saw in this bed, we are going to deal with because, to me, that is not on! Shut up, I haven’t finished.” Yvonne closed her mouth, then opened it again to continue eating. “And I’ll …privy! How do you know a word like privy? Don’t answer, I’m getting this all out. My mind is filled with you, and, frankly, I’m sick of it.”

“Can I get a word in?”

“No. Shut up and eat. No, don’t eat, you’ll get fat and I’ll have to help a fat person in and out of the bath and onto the toilet. Where was I? Don’t interrupt, I’m confused enough as it is.”

Yvonne sat back demurely and finished her coffee.

“Your life is so confusing to me, but we aren’t… well, we weren’t. Now we are! Why, Yvonne? You know I could have come home ─”

“This is France, chérie! People have affairs all the time, it’s a way of life,” Yvonne said very calmly, shrugging her shoulders for added emphasis.

“Not where I come from!” I said. “People are faithful. You meet someone, you fall in love and that’s it. End of story! You don’t have sex with other people! See, I didn’t say ‘sleep with’, because I know you two didn’t sleep… too much fucking going on for sleeping! I’m not stupid, you think I am, but I’m not. You want me out, you do! Why else would you do it here? In our bed, where no-one else has had the honor? Or was that a lie?”

“You think people in Australia don’t have affairs? Of course they do! They just don’t talk about them. No, I have not had sex with anyone else but you and Michael, not that we finished, in this bed. Europeans look at sex completely differently to you puritanical, keep-it-hidden-away, ridiculous people. We are open about our sex lives. You people sneak around and create such a mess out of nothing. I don’t want you to leave, I love you. Sex is sex. Listen, if we played tennis together, were partners in tennis, and then suddenly I said I wanted to play with someone else, you wouldn’t care about that! That’s how important basic sex is. I’m not talking about making love, I’m talking about sex. A quick sexual encounter, like a quick game of tennis with someone else. Louis and I had sex with each other for years and I never loved him. Now, in France, or all over Europe, affairs are a way of life!” Yvonne finished her speech by wiping her mouth with her napkin. Her plate was wiped clean with the bread she’d used to scrape up the last of her fattening and obviously enjoyable meal.

“I thought we were having an affair!” I said, feeling myself more than halfway sucked in by her explanation and her eyes, and her. I wanted to be with her far too much to just walk out on her. I had to listen to her, I wanted her to explain it to me! I didn’t want us to end. “All the sneaking around we’ve done!” I said, even though offhand I couldn’t think of many such occurrences, but I was sure we’d done enough to warrant the word sneak, which implied affair.

Yvonne took my hand in hers, kissed it. “That was necessary for the press and the public, and it was fun! I like sneaking around and we haven’t had to sneak around here. I won’t have anyone else over here…”

“No,” I said, yanking my hand away. “You will not have sex with anyone while I am with you! I won’t allow it. We are together and I believe in being faithful.”

“We are faithful! In our way. I don’t love anyone else besides you. That is the difference between us, your version of being faithful. Mine is not to love anyone else…”

“Mine is not to have sex!”

“Merde!” she cursed, turning her angry face away. “You are so immature, Lyn. This is Europe, sex is different here. We are lovers. Michael and I have sex occasionally, and that’s all! Michael and I are not lovers,” she said.

“What about Sally?”

“That’s Michael’s business. I deal with my side and he deals with his. No-one was seduced. This was a very unemotional, very rare, get-it-together-when-we-both-felt-like-it, sexual relationship.”

“So it is a relationship?”

“Lyn, we are friends. Michael and I have sex rarely. Very rarely.”

“What about AIDS and the rest? He could be having it off with other people. And you two were not using a condom! I saw it all!” I yelled at her face, only six centimeters away from mine.

“He hasn’t got time to see other people, neither do I! That’s why we work. No complications, no messy involvement. No chance of us falling in love, wanting to be with each other. He loves Sally and I love you, that’s your end of story. Can we get back to priorities now?” she asked very tiredly. As far as she was concerned, the explanations were over, move on to the next topic.

“It’s not that simple.”

“It is that simple. We have a difference in how we view sex. But now I need to do something with you that no-one, apart from my mother, is privy to,” she said with an embarrassed, not-wanting-to-do-this look on her face.

“What am I going to be privy to now?”

“Me using these bloody crutches, and…fuck… I hate this… having to be helped to go to the toilet. I am a very private person. I don’t give it up easily and you are invading my whole world. Don’t you dare tell anyone that my Ice Princess is an act!” she said sternly, flustered by her new situation of being dependent, and me maybe knowing the real “Yvonne Shuman”. I had no idea if I did or didn’t.

“Is the Ice Princess really all an act?” I asked. “And if you had been listening instead of yelling, you would have learned how to use the crutches! Where is the wonderful woman I met and fell heavily in lust with? And spent the best two weeks of my life with?” I looked at Yvonne for the answers to all my questions.

“She was what you wanted and I thought it was great, too. But now I need help,” she said in an urgent, can-we-please-get-on-with-this tone of voice.

“So you were acting in those first two weeks?” I said, completely thrown by all this.

“No!” she yelled. “I was not acting! I was in love, in lust! I followed you, we’ve discussed this! Help me with these bloody things!” Yvonne had her lunch tray off her lap and was half off the bed, struggling with the bloody crutches. “I was not acting!” she said firmly when I didn’t jump off the bed to help her get herself organized. “I was being cool, like you. Lyn, you were cool. You were acting, I was following. We did it, it was great. Please! If I were a stray dog, you would be helping me. Crutches and bathroom first. We can fight later. I’m not going anywhere! You’ve got me trapped here for another two weeks. I didn’t mean it like that! I loved our first two weeks together. And after that I couldn’t wait to get home to you, remember? I was insane with thoughts of you. I collapsed into your welcoming arms that first night. Help me!” she yelled at me.

I got up, put the trays on the table and began the slow process of helping Yvonne up and onto her crutches. I reminded her what she had been taught just this morning about how to use crutches.

“You didn’t eat your lunch,” Yvonne said halfway to the bathroom, spotting my uneaten meal on the table. Her leg and arm coordination was very slow and tedious.

“Don’t put your right leg down,” I said, watching her intently. I didn’t want another accident. She was using the crutches by herself, slowly, but getting there. “Do you want a bath or a shower?” I walked backwards ahead of her, glancing behind me to make sure I didn’t fall over something and have an accident myself.

“I’m too tired for a shower,” she said. “Did you have breakfast?”

“Yes. I’ll fill the tub. You okay to keep going?”

She was nearly at the bathroom, taking it very carefully. “Yes. I have to do this for six weeks. I better get bloody good at it. How am I supposed to have a bath with this? I’ll get it wet.” Yvonne was usually so graceful in everything she did. It seemed strange to see her like this, so ungainly.

“They showed us the plastic bag we put over the leg, it was explained to us,” I said with impatience.

“I wasn’t listening,” she said with just as much impatience.

In the hospital, when it came to plastic bags, physio and pain-killers, I listened. And I had watched the crutches demonstration so I knew what to do in theory. But in practice … !

Yvonne was in the bathroom. I had my hands out, ready to catch her in case she fell. I hovered around, the bath was filling up and I was a nervous wreck. As if I could catch her! She’d flatten me and we would both end up on the hard bathroom floor.

Neither of us knew what to do now. Where to put the crutches? Should I hold her or let her do it herself? I wasn’t in uniform, I was off-duty. I wasn’t in control of the situation as I would have been if we were in a hospital and I was the nurse and Yvonne was just a patient. I played a role when I became a nurse. I put my uniform on and went out to the job and did what was required of me. This was so different, and the bathroom wasn’t designed for a tall woman with a huge, white leg and two crutches.

Yvonne maneuvered herself close to the toilet, stood up straight and asked me, “What do we do now?”

“What did they tell you in the hospital?” I asked, standing slightly away from her. I thought she might have remembered step-by-step when she’d gone into the bathroom, before we left, how to use the toilet. I had been there to pull her tights and underpants down, but a nurse and a physio had talked her through, in French, how to approach the toilet, and how to use it with crutches. I only squeezed in for the private bit.

It was a stalemate. Who would give in?

Yvonne had made the first move, giving in by asking me what to do. I became a nurse again, easy! Yvonne needed help, she wasn’t just my lover, she was a patient.

“Lyn! What are you doing?” she asked me, waiting for instructions.

“Thinking, planning this,” I said. “Back up to the toilet.” First step in the toilet plan. Not fully thought out, though. That’s as far as I’d planned.

Yvonne’s face relaxed, she had her orders. One of us was doing something, if only pretending that this was quite normal.

I lifted the lid on the toilet, pulled down her tights and underpants and removed them from her plastered leg, where they hung around the ankle of her good leg. No way to pries them off that leg until she was down. “Give me the crutches and hold onto me while you sit down,” I said.

Yvonne removed the crutches from under each arm and handed them to me, and then placed her hands on my shoulders while standing squarely on her only good leg.

I leant the crutches up against the wall to my left and was thinking of a better spot for Yvonne herself to hang them up, when she started slowly down to the toilet, holding onto me as she went. It was all so slow and awkward-looking. But it was her first time, at home, with only me. She touched down; we both smiled with relief.

“That wasn’t so bad,” she said, smiling at her first conquest. It was as if she’d just landed on the moon and taken her first steps on moon rock.

“Yvonne, that was awful. You’ll be amazed at how much better you’ll get. It’s like learning to drive a manual car. You can drive, can’t you?” I asked.

“Yes, I can drive! What’s this plastic bag thing?”

“I’ll get it,” I said.

“What do you mean, it’s like driving a manual car?” she called.

“You think you’ll never get the hang of it and then, before you know it, you’re driving like you were born to it. At least that’s how I felt.” I entered the bathroom with a huge, clear plastic, blow-up bag for her leg.

The bath was nearly full and Yvonne had finished undressing. Her clothes were on the floor next to the basin, where she had obviously thrown them. I took a second to visualize the contortionist side of Yvonne, undressing herself while on the toilet, with a broken leg.

“If you’d listened this morning, you’d know about this,” I said.

“I was in pain, still am. Shut up and get on with it,” she said, ready for the next step. “Lyn, I’m cranky, I know I was bad, I don’t need a pep talk. Please, just do the bag thing,” she said with her hands on her lap, lifeless, not talking, not waving around at me.

“I’m sorry. I’m nervous you’ll trip and fall,” I said. I knelt on the floor with the plastic bag halfway up her leg and started laughing. I hadn’t told Yvonne about my image of her falling into the mass of people while up on the catwalk, the first time I saw her do her “thing”. Now it was more likely than ever she really would trip and fall.

“Do I get to know what is so funny about me sitting here naked on the toilet? And the bath is full.”

I jumped up quickly and turned the bath off. I was still laughing. I sat on the edge of the bath and held my stomach with my arm across it and laughed, letting myself relax after all the tension.

Yvonne was extremely puzzled and very impatient, and she was not smiling. “Lyn! Can we get to the bath?” she said, trying to pull the bag up over her leg. She was doing a good job of it. I wiped my eyes and blew my nose on my hanky while letting Yvonne finish the bag. She knew what to do, she had been listening. She strapped the Velcro strips around the top of her thigh, and then began pumping it up, filling the bag with air, so it would sort of float in the water and her leg didn’t have to be stuck out of the bath. It also sealed itself around her skin, making her leg waterproof. Pretty nifty job.

“What are you laughing at?”

I stood up and went over. “That first night I saw you on the catwalk, I had this horrible vision of you getting your heel caught in your dress and falling into the people. I was nervous then, and I am now.”

Yvonne hopped on her one foot over to the bath, with my arm around her waist and her arm around my shoulders. “This was your job. Why are you nervous?” she asked, very puzzled; most people would be, assuming that nurses can be the same at home as in their own controlled hospital environment.

“I just am. I can’t treat you like every other patient. I’m too close to the situation. Once involved with someone, people ─ nurses, doctors ─ become completely illogical and tend to put emotions first instead of what’s best for the patient. I don’t want to hurt you. I’ll be okay. It’s just not as easy as it seems.” Yvonne was now in the bath, her broken leg half-submerged in the water and her left leg bent up and she was washing herself. “Are you going to do your hair?” I asked, sitting on the end of the bath with my back against the shower wall, and staying right away from helping her in any way with the washing of her hair or her body.

“Better,” she said. “I’m tired, but it feels disgusting.” Her eyes looked really tired. Also, she was in pain and wasn’t complaining, a bad sign. I wondered how much she’d slept last night in the hospital. The fighting Yvonne had slipped into a sea of oblivion before my very eyes.

“Do you want me to help? Make it quicker?” I couldn’t help myself.

“No, I can manage. Just get me the shampoo and conditioner, thanks.”

“Yvonne, you're tired. I can do it. I’ve seen you go to the toilet. Let down your last taboo,” I said, passing her the shampoo and conditioner and a comb. Then I added, “I forgot, there’s still one left. I can’t call you beautiful.”

“No, you can’t. And I wasn’t aware that this one with my hair was a taboo.” She sat forward in the bath, to comb her hair. Everything looked so tedious.

I should have been used to the slow process of helping people disabled by broken limbs, IVs, pain, tiredness, illness. But I was being paid then and that actually made it worse. There was always something more important to be done than to sit with a patient and let them wash themselves.

I remembered the hospital I’d last worked in, and not enough time had passed to complete the transition from my role as a nurse to that of anything but. I told myself I wasn’t a nurse anymore. Instead, I was… what was I?

“What sort of clothes have you got organized?” I asked. “And when did you organize them?”

“What’s with you?” Yvonne asked, pouring water over her head from the flexy gizmo she’d dragged out of the wall between the fish heads. “You seem worse than I am.” She looked at me with concern.

“I’m okay,” I said cheerfully. “This is a new experience for me. I have to learn to relax and take everything slowly. Be Italian. Stop watching the clock.”

“You haven’t watched the clock since I’ve known you,” she said, now on her second shampoo.

“When you aren’t here, I do. I’m a horrible clock-watcher, so are you. You always go to places exactly on time, same as me.”

“I’m not a clock-watcher, though. How bad are you?” she asked with her hair foaming with shampoo.

“Terrible,” I said. “The worst. I can’t live without clocks. A nurse’s life revolves around time. Time for pills, time for…”

“Don’t, Lyn. You aren’t in Australia. You are here, in France. Switzerland has the best reputation for clockwatching and Italy has the worst ─ you’re right about that ─ or Spain, or Portugal. But France is sort of in the middle, pretty laid back. So relax. You aren’t a nurse any more. Have a bath with me. You look so stressed out and you never say you’re tired. I hear myself saying it practically every day and I know you are all the time. Come on, jump in with me. I’ll scrub your back or anywhere else you want.”

“If I said I was tired every time I was, I would never say anything else. Chronic fatigue people don’t say it, because it’s superfluous ... unless the people around them are so blind that they can’t see the obvious and then they say it. And when you say you’re tired, you mean, ‘I’ve had a hard day, I just want to relax, don’t think too much, eat my dinner, make love and go to bed to sleep, so I can get up early in the morning and do it all again’. Now, when I say I’m tired, I mean, ‘I am exhausted. I am lying down now! Because I have to. Wherever I am. I cannot physically move on. End of story’. If you had to go rushing out after your ‘I’m tired’, you would and could. After mine, no way, I’m dead. And I am stressed out because you cheated on me and broke your leg. It’s all your fault.”

“Two comments,” she said. “That word you used…”

“Superfluous.” As soon as I’d said it, I knew it would bug her. “Too much of. Unnecessary.”

“Then why don’t you say that?” she said irritably.

“Because it’s how I speak. I can’t edit my vocabulary all the time. Next comment?”

“The bath?” she said seductively with a handful of water trickling through her fingers.

“You’re nearly finished and I don’t feel like a bath,” I said. Yvonne’s attempt at seduction was very feeble. She was just trying to shift my mind onto better things. Like her!

“Can you get me some pills? My leg is hurting,” she said, now rinsing herself off.

I looked at my watch.

“Take it off,” she said from under the spray.

“No. I need to remember when you can or cannot have more pills.”

“Can I?” she asked hopefully.

“Yes. I’ll get them for you.”

CHAPTER 25

THE APARTMENT

ONE

“What do you want to do today?” I asked Yvonne.

She lay stretched out, on her front, on the bed, with her head down the foot of the bed, wearing a pair of cotton shorts patterned in splotchy black, red and yellow, and a small top in similar colors, but with more yellow in it. Very stylish and expensive clothes to be lounging around in. They fitted her very snugly. Her shorts were very tight across her backside. It was our third day in captivity. Yvonne was an expert on the crutches and very bored with life.

“I don’t know,” she said, stretching her arms out in front of her.

“Your backside is very tempting,” I said with my eyes glued to it. “How’s your pain level?”

“Moderate.”

I got up from the sofa and went over to her. “Tell me more about your life before I met you,” I said, sitting down beside her gorgeous, two-buns-in-a-loaf bum.

“What do you mean, ‘more’? I haven’t told you anything about my life.”

I had her shorts pulled down and was kissing and licking her beautifully risen-to-the-top backside, with my hands squeezing her buttocks together to make them even higher and fuller. “We’ve been through this. We know more about each other than we think,” I mumbled. My hands travelled up her back, under her top, pushing it up, out of the way. “Don’t you remember our talks?” I climbed onto her back, kissing it and slipping my hands underneath her, to her breasts.

She lifted up just enough to let me squeeze my hands in, then lay flat on the bed, squishing my hands between the bed and her breasts, which were like two more buns, except these were more separate from each other and they were soft with little knobs on top.

“I don’t want to talk,” she said. “Haven’t you got an appointment for more of your horrible hair removal today?”

I was in the middle of making love to her, with her two-bunned loaf under my pelvis, and she was being really crabby.

I climbed off her, straightened her clothes and lay on my back beside her, with my head resting next to hers. “It’s tomorrow,” I said, “and it’s called electrolysis. I couldn’t handle that waxing anymore, not around my sensitive areas, anyway.” Bikini line, chin and upper lip. My underarms… I continued to shave; this was no problem, such small areas. And my eyebrows and around my nipples, I continued to pluck with tweezers, even smaller areas. My legs were waxed, what a relief! “Electrolysis will take years to do, she said, completely, every three to four weeks, not just a couple of zaps like I’d thought. I changed beauticians, that other one was all wrong. This one is much better.” I turned my head to Yvonne’s face to see if this was new to her, if she was listening to me or if I was boring her. But I saw no face, only a mass of shiny, dark-auburn hair. I wasn’t sure how much about my life at the hands of the beauticians I had actually told her. To me it was pretty exciting, having, as I’d said to Yvonne, “my horrible hair removed”. But to Yvonne, I assumed, it was part of her work and she wouldn’t want to discuss it.

Yvonne had been quiet all morning. Maybe she was listening to me. “Just don’t go too far,” she said. “If you’d gone to someone in the business in the beginning, you wouldn’t have ended up all red and in pain. The first beautician probably had the wax too hot and she burned you.”

“That’s what the second beautician said. But she did say that with my history of bikini-line mess-ups, it would be better to have the electrolysis, and I agree, even though it really smarts when that needle zaps.”

“I told you to let me handle the arrangements with the beautician, but you wanted to go outside what I know. I know what electrolysis is. I’ve had it myself. What tree do you think I fell out of?” Yvonne, in one movement, swished her hair around and rested her head on its other side, facing me, her face now very close to mine. “She’s doing a good job on your skin, your face is much better,” she said, her eyes roving around my face, studying it closely.

“How bad was it before?” I asked, interested in Yvonne’s point of view on my past face. It felt smooth now.

“Not too bad, just sickly looking. It looks clean and fresh. I do want to hear about it. I’m just bored and this is my job,” she said, looking bored and in pain and miserable.

“I thought so,” I said. “And I’m not sure how much you take in of what I tell you. You’ve been so busy in between the first two weeks and now.”

“Tell me what you’ve had done,” she said, giving me her full attention.

“You know what I’ve done, we make love. You kiss me everywhere and see me naked all the time,” I said.

“Humor me,” she said. “And you enjoy talking about it. Why is it so important to get rid of it all? I like it.”

“I hate it, always have. My greatest wish in life since I began to sprout it from … well, since it began to poke out of my underpants, and especially my bikini … do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to lie on a beach, in a bikini, with pubic hair popping out of your bikini, and to have your skin all red and sore from constantly shaving it?”

“No,” Yvonne said, trying not to smile, or laugh at me.

“It’s horrible!” I said, really annoyed at what women, including me, especially me, have to go through to attain the body we and everyone else around us expects, except for weirdos like Yvonne, who liked it. “I’ve always hated it,” I went on, not so angrily, but more sad than anything. “I used to wear shorts to go swimming, it got so bad. And when I did wear a bikini, I had to constantly check between my legs to poke the hair back in. It’s embarrassing.”

“Why didn’t you trim it?”

“You are bored,” I said. “You hate this stuff.”

“No, you hate this stuff, I don’t. This is my life, I’m okay with it. It embarrasses you, but you’re doing something about it. It won’t take years and years, she only said that so … look, people like you expect electrolysis to be a once-only deal and it isn’t. It might take anywhere from one to twenty goes to get one hair. Everybody is different. You could have tough roots that take ages to die. It could take more than a year to get them all exactly gone from where you want. To be totally free and permanent, it takes much longer than most people think. But it is permanent! So you be damn sure of what you want because once it’s gone, that’s it, it’s never coming back! Why didn’t you have it done before?”

“I thought it would be too expensive.”

Yvonne groaned through my explanation and buried her face in the bed. I was talking about money ─ the big no-no.

When her face surfaced and she was listening to me again, I continued, “I was interested to know…”

Another groan, but she was still with me.

“And we chat while she’s zapping me… takes my mind off it. And I thought it might be dangerous, having all that electricity pumped into my body. Not many people I know have had it; waxing is the in thing. If electrolysis is so great, then why aren’t more women having it, instead of being waxed? It’s the same price, nearly.”

“You wouldn’t know, you haven’t finished yet. Waxing is simple for most women. You’ve just got very sensitive skin. Didn’t she tell you all this?”

“Yes. Nothing you’ve told me is news. You’ve been so quiet all morning, I wanted to hear you talk. And it’s good to get an honest second opinion from someone who isn’t trying to sell it to me and whom I understand. Danielle’s English is atrocious. I don’t get half of what she says.”

“She’s the best… well, nearly the best. Let me handle it next time. I gave in to you and gave you a name, just a name. I shouldn’t have… kind of like your nursing. I’m too close to you. I should have insisted you see Danielle or someone else I personally can recommend. That other woman I got from a friend; I’ve never met her. What else are you having done?”

“I’ve told you! Facials, pore cleansing, body treatments. There’s only so much sightseeing I can do alone and Claude can only get so much time off to play tennis. I bought a pair of tennis shoes and a tennis racquet… you know that?”

“Yes, you told me how Claude went with you when you bought your shoes and the racquet. I was planning to come and see you play. How’s it going?”

“We sound like two strangers. Two people who knew each other years ago and are now catching up with each other. I’ve only had three goes at it, my tennis is pretty poor and Claude is very good. He gets annoyed at me being so hopeless. You don’t play.”

“Not much. I could, later on… I suppose.” She started to drift away from the conversation then. Damn! I should have kept her on a topic she knew. She was happy, idly discussing my body hair.

“I think I’ll have my bum hair electrolysised. Is that a word?”

“That’s English, I don’t know.”

“You’re in pain, aren’t you? Me talking about my bum hair and you not interested. I’ll get you some pills.” I was halfway off the bed, but Yvonne’s hand landed on my arm.

“No, I don’t want them,” she said.

“You sure?” I said, sitting back down next to her.

“Yes, the pain is only moderate. Talk to me some more, get my mind off it. Let me yell at you, or give me the phone and I’ll ring Mama and yell at her.”

“You do that and I’m out of here,” I said, then followed up on Yvonne’s question, “Claude and I were on our way to our first tennis game…”

“Where was I?”

“Yvonne, you know this! I came home and told you all about my game and my trip to the shop to buy some shoes. I borrowed Claude’s extra racquet for the first game…”

“And then you bought your own because his was too heavy. And it was Peter’s racquet you borrowed. Help me turn over, please.”

I crawled up the bed and held onto her plastered leg and turned it while Yvonne turned herself over onto her back.

“I do remember,” she said, all settled, with pillows under her leg and under her head. “I like listening to you. It’s been so long since I had to worry about body hair. Mine’s practically all gone, and I’m fit. I don’t have to worry about ‘can I do this because I might get too tired or get a headache’. And clothes! I never have to deal with clothes the way you do. We do things so differently. If I were planning to play tennis, it would all be organized before I went out, not on the way there. You don’t plan. What shoes were you wearing on the way?”

“Claude rings me that morning, says, ‘Do you want a game?’ I say, ‘Yeah, great.’ I didn’t have time to plan. He picked me up and we went. I don’t have the resources you do. I was wearing my … what do you think I was wearing? I have six… no, seven pairs of shoes. But I wasn’t wearing my good shoes, of course, or my boots.”

“That’s why I asked! Were you wearing sandals or your lace-up things?”

“My lace-up things. What are they called?”

“I don’t know. Shoes with laces. I don’t wear them. Jeans shoes.”

“Comfortable shoes but not tennis shoes. Not sandshoes. My lace-up shoes have ankles on them.”

Yvonne laughed.

“What?” I said.

“The way you describe clothes. You have no idea,” she said, still chuckling.

“I wear clothes to keep me warm and covered, that’s it! I hate your world, you hate mine. Oh, Claude rang while you were in the tub, wants to take us out on a picnic with Peter. I said you’d ring him back.”

“I have just mastered crutches. How on earth can I get downstairs?”

“He said he’d throw you over his shoulder. Maybe this weekend, it’s up to you. What will you wear as a disguise now that your black hat has been stolen?”

“It was probably the hat that gave me away. I wore it so often. Another example of you bungling up my life.”

“Are we arguing or talking?”

“Neither,” she said. “I’ll ring Claude.”

TWO

The bed had become the centre of Yvonne’s world; everything was within easy reach and she could, if she had to, change positions by herself. The sofa, the window seat and the bath all restricted her movements.

“I really liked that hat,” I said when Yvonne got off the phone with Claude.

“I can’t get another one,” she said, reading my mind. “It was unique. And because of you… sentimental. I’ve got other hats. Claude and Peter will be here on Saturday sometime to take me out. Do you want to come?”

“Sure,” I said, maybe too eagerly. “I want you to get out if you want.” Yvonne wasn’t too miserable any more. “You’ll be fine for Jamaica.”

“I’ve organized for us to get suntans after I have my X-rays, that last week before we go.”

“Yvonne, you have two weeks! Not one. Four weeks before Jamaica. Do you think you should go out of the apartment so soon? The doctor said for you to stay in and off your crutches as much as possible for two weeks before he sees you again.”

“I have to get out. Claude will carry me. I’ll sit under a tree in a park somewhere and have a picnic, in a different hat,” she hissed, still angry about the hat incident.

So was I. Not just the hat being stolen, but the whole idea of people rushing her like that. It still frightened me. It annoyed Yvonne that she had lost the hat and let herself, and me, get into that situation in the first place.

Yvonne couldn’t seem to stay on one subject for more than two seconds, unless she was outrageously interested, and she wouldn’t answer my questions directly. She kept throwing barbed comments at me as if everything was my fault, including the hat, her leg, and it being maimed for life, and her career being stalled. She was constantly on the phone, constantly organizing and reorganizing Jamaica. I didn’t take her comments personally. I was getting used to Yvonne, in pain and worried. She didn’t mention the pain much, even though it was at her all the time. She would just throw in a few extra barbed comments and make another yelling phone call, and then finally admit that she was in pain and needed pain-killers.

The apartment became disorderly. Yvonne needed everything close by. If it wasn’t disorderly, then I or Simone, or, God forbid, Yvonne, would have to find and collect whatever it was she needed from wherever it was, now! Yvonne was not patient and was constantly uncomfortable. She complained, but not about what was actually bothering her. Everything came out sideways. Often, the person in direct line didn’t cop any flack at all. She was very hard to comprehend, a river constantly changing its course, sometimes turning in on itself and Yvonne becoming the victim of her own irritation.

CHAPTER 26

THE CONVERSATION

I awoke with an instant, decisive thought. Yvonne was blissfully asleep. I could hear her breathing, soft and regular. It was sometime in the wee hours of the morning, no dawn sky but black and peaceful, except for my thought. Why do they come in the middle of the night? I wondered. And how do they suddenly pop in, invading my peaceful dreams, which were totally different to my thought? Maybe it wasn’t my thought.

I shook Yvonne awake to share this thought with her.

“Mmm,” she murmured, half-asleep.

“Yvonne!” Time for more than shaking. The verbal attack.

“What?” The voice was an autopilot voice.

“Forget about your broken leg preventing us from going to Jamaica. I can’t go to Jamaica.”

“Why not?” More awake now.

“Let me count the ways. Electrolysis, waxing, I’m too skinny, I’m…”

“Shut up. I lied about all models being hair-free. They have the same problems as you do.” Yvonne turned over and yawned loudly. I wasn’t sure if she’d turned from her front on to her back or the opposite. All required a lot of shoving; bedclothes up and down, pillows having to be shifted around, more with the bedclothes up and down, and lots of sighing.

“Why did you lie?” I asked when the bed and Yvonne were silent.

“I don’t know. Maybe I wanted to make you feel better about what you were doing.”

“But we’ll be there a long time. The hair will grow back.”

“What did I just say?” Impatient voice.

After a small think, I said, “Something about models having the same problems.”

“Exactly. I’ve got it covered for you. There are beauticians coming to Jamaica with us and I’ve made sure one of them, at least, is trained in electrolysis. Christ, I’m sick of that word. I’m sleeping.”

“But what about the hair that is growing back? I can’t wear a bikini.”

“You’ve got a real phobia about this,” she said. “You’ll have a suntan by then, that will make it less obvious. And, like people in front of a camera, make-up will cover it until it’s permanent.”

“What about me being too skinny?”

“You are talking about models!”

“Unhealthy?”

“I’m asleep.”

CHAPTER 27

MONKEY SHINES

“Lyn, can you come here? I can’t move. This isn’t one of those come here’s. I really can’t move. I mean, I would come to you if I could, but I can’t.” Yvonne twisted around, trying to find me in the apartment.

I sat on the window seat, reading a letter from Jane. Yvonne, as usual, lay on the bed, wearing another of her sexy lounge outfits. She rested on her stomach.

“Just a sec. Let me finish this,” I said, reading the last little bit, but seeing Yvonne in the corner of my eye struggling on the bed.

“This is cruel,” she said. “I can’t move as well when I’m on my front.”

“Then turn over,” I said, returning the letter to its envelope and going over to her. “What’s the problem?”

“I’m randy. Can you believe that? In the middle of all this, I still want you. I was lying here, thinking of Jamaica, and I saw you in a bikini on the beach, and I got instantly turned on. Can you turn me over?” Her voice was filled with lust and excitement.

“How did my bikini look?” I asked as I held her leg so she could turn over. I repositioned the pillows under her leg, then began a slow crawl over her body on my hands and knees, up to her face.

“The bikini wasn’t on long enough for me to see. I ripped it off and made mad, passionate love to you.”

My mouth was a centimeter from hers and my body stretched out but up on my elbows a little to keep my full weight off her. “Is this too painful?” I asked, before devouring her mouth with mine.

“No,” she said, and brought my mouth down to hers, her hands holding my hair back.

I lay down on her gently, mainly for physical contact and to kiss, a long, very sensual kiss. No rubbing up and down, no jarring movements, no sex, just kissing and cuddling.

“And your body wasn’t horrible,” she said as my hands and mouth were on their way to her breasts. “Except I’ll look pretty strange going into a sun tanning salon with a broken leg.”

“You can do your leg later,” I said, her shirt open and my mouth and hands busy on her breasts.

“Can you sit up? I want to look at you,” she said. “I’m sick of lying down and seeing everything from a horizontal position.”

I sat up on her, straddling her around her hips, and looked down. “You have a broken leg. You have been sitting up, you sit up all the time,” I said, gently playing with her breasts in my hands.

“I want to look at you like you’re looking at me. Take your top off.”

“What’s with you?” I said. “I don’t jump to commands like that.”

“Why? You undress me and I can’t get at you. Can’t you take it off so I can see you? I used to just do it, now I have to ask or wait for you to do it.”

I felt odd being asked to take my clothes off. “I’ll lie down and you can take it off,” I suggested.

“No,” she said. “Can’t you just take your top off? What’s the big deal? You see me every which way now. I want us to make love. Do you want to?” She was still taking this very seriously. No playfulness, no sexiness to lure me in. It was very odd.

“No one’s ever asked me to do this. I haven’t enough to warrant taking my top off,” I said, wishing I could casually reach for a cigarette and light up.

“You have breasts, they’re just small. I haven’t got huge ones either,” she said, trying to make me feel a bit easier. “Don’t think about it. Just whip it off. It’s just you and me. Okay, help me up and I’ll whip it off you,” she said, yielding.

“No, I’ll do it,” I said. “Just don’t laugh.”

“Believe me, I won’t laugh. I love making love, that’s what I want, and you are turning this into something that makes me look and feel like a sex fiend.”

I was making a huge deal out of something so natural. “It’s the way you asked,” I said, feeling very uncomfortable. “No love. You’re the model. I’m not used to this, but I will.”

“Do it slowly, take it off sexily. I’ll sit up so I can see better,” she said, quite excited by this.

I lifted up and Yvonne shifted herself up the bed, by pushing down on the bed with her hands and her bent-up left leg. I went with her and fixed the pillows under her leg and behind her back on the brick wall. We were now sitting up, facing each other.

“Can we make love?” Her hand touched my face gently, moving into my hair.

“Yes, that’s not the problem,” I said, trying to think what the problem was. “We usually just do it, you’ve never asked me before.” I shifted off her a little, taking more of the weight onto my knees.

“I’m okay,” she said, her hands on my waist, her gleaming eyes looking directly into mine. “I love you,” she said, leaning closer.

I leant closer, slid my arms around her and we kissed.

We kissed and cuddled until Yvonne stopped and said quietly, “Take it off, just you. I want to see you. I love you.”

I leant back from her and slowly lifted my top over my head. Yvonne was turned on, smiling at me. “How was that?” I asked nervously.

“Come closer and I’ll show you. I didn’t want to ask, but sometimes you seem to need to be pushed to do things.” Her eyes followed mine. I could feel them probing me.

“Don’t talk,” I said, “you ruin things by talking. You are the most confusing person I’ve ever met and it’s not just because you make me feel hot so often. You don’t say or do what you really mean. Sometimes I think you just say whatever pops into your head. You’re sitting up now and yet you complain about lying flat. You’re mixed up.”

“Kiss me, I can’t chase you. I’m here and you can move, I can’t.”

“What about what I just said?”

“That has nothing to do with how I feel about you, and what I want.”

“You see? That is a perfect example of what I’m talking about! You don’t answer me the way a normal person would.”

“I should hope not! Who wants to be normal? Lyn, if you don’t want to, just say it!”

“I do,” I said quickly. My head was beside hers and my arms around her.

It was difficult for Yvonne to move so I moved for both of us.

We hugged quietly for a while. Then I divested her of her shirt, ran my fingers through her hair, scratching her scalp along the way with my long fingernails, and lowered my head for a very long kiss. With our mouths open wide to each other and our tongues entwining, slipping and sliding over and under, inside our mouths, and our lips smacking, twisting this way and that, with our heads swapping sides, then coming together to seal us for eternity, we kissed and cuddled while I slid my body right up her lap as far as I could go, until I was pressing her chest to mine and I could then slip my legs behind her, removing the pillows against the wall and replacing them with my crossed-over legs, which were now completely wrapped around her, our mouths still open, slurping each other in our long, drawn-out, hungry, wonderful kiss. Our hands, arms and legs constantly shifted around each other, our naked top halves molded together.

My embarrassment was soon long forgotten.

“Move down,” I breathed into her ear, followed by my tongue delicately tracing the many ridges it was finding, then my open mouth going in for the kill, sucking the life out of it, with my left arm wrapped around her head, holding her to me. She squirmed, struggling under the intense feelings my mouth and tongue inflicted on her ear. My right hand had hold of her hair, keeping it away from the ear I was making love to. Yvonne loved it, but it made her feel gooey inside and she could only handle it for a short suck and lick, not the massive job I was doing on it.

Yvonne won. Her hands managed to disengage mine from their hold on her head and she soon wormed her way down the bed, taking me with her and wiping her ear on the bottom sheet to rid herself of my saliva. She flattened herself out on the bed under me and her mouth landed on my breast, with her arms around my back, holding me tightly to her. I groaned under her wonderful mouth and rested my head on the pillow I’d pulled across. Yvonne shifted her mouth to my other breast while her hands moved down to my pants. I helped, and together we took them off, with a burst of laughter from both of us at the awkwardness of making love with a broken leg in the way. I’d had to raise myself up a bit to actually remove my shorts and underpants from my legs. And then I whipped Yvonne’s off her.

The weather outside might have been cool, but the apartment was warm with central heating. With our clothes off, Yvonne lay flat on her back, and we made love in a way that was not painful or difficult for Yvonne or her leg, which meant me on top, being a monkey, crawling all over her, touching her all over, kissing her all over, and shifting myself around to lie on and over her body, or moving to where she wanted me, so she could kiss me, lick me, suck me and touch me anywhere she desired, by her hands gently directing me down or up her body, depending on the area of my body that interested her the most at the time, a massive Monkey Shines.

Our lovemaking had only been halted or curtailed by Yvonne’s level of pain and discomfort. The more she became accustomed to her leg being in plaster, and the less pain she was feeling, the more we got back on track, starting another perfect record.

CHAPTER 28

BAREFOOT IN THE PARK

ONE

The only break for Yvonne in the two weeks before her visit to the hospital was our picnic. Claude easily picked her up, tossed her over his shoulder and carried her downstairs and out to the car. She sat sideways on the back seat of the car with her legs resting on my thighs. Claude carried her around effortlessly. Once again, she was unceremoniously plunked down, but this time she was left under a tree in the sun. She wore a straw hat with nowhere near the appeal of her black hat.

I sat by her under the tree while Claude and Peter threw a Frisbee, until a dog rushed in and stole it. Yvonne laughed. So did I. She lay back on the grass with her head on my lap while Claude and Peter chased a very happy dog with a Frisbee in his mouth, until the owner of the dog took the Frisbee from him and apologized profusely while attaching a lead to the dog’s collar and promising it wouldn’t happen again.

“How did you get through modeling for twenty years with these?” I asked, squeezing her breasts in my hands. “All the changes in fashion over the years. I thought models always had small tits.”

“I missed out on Twiggy’s era, but if really small tits and bodies were in, I did other things. Mine aren’t too big or too small. I got around it. What are you looking at?”

“Huh?” I said distractedly.

“What are you looking at?” she asked again, looking around herself, her head tossing on my lap.

“Crowd control,” I said. “I feel really open here. Keep your head down.”

“Lyn,” she said, “Claude and Peter are watching out. We’re safe. They understand about crowd control. Look, we’re in an open park, people aren’t too close to us. If anyone did recognize me, they would have me out of here so fast it would make your head spin. Enjoy the picnic, no-one knows me, especially not with a broken leg and a stupid hat on. Plus, my clothes aren’t my usual style.”

“Your clothes are very stylish.” I said. She wore a very long brown skirt, down to her ankles, to hide her plastered leg, a tan shirt and a black cowboy jacket with tassels. The material was soft, sort of Native American style. “They look stylish to me,” I added, then quickly said, “Don’t say it. ‘Anything would look stylish to you.’ Listen, how did the press miss out on your leg?”

“The hospital handled it. I handled it. They don’t get everything I do.”

“When will you tell them?” I asked, lying down beside her. Now that I knew Claude and Peter were on duty, I could relax. They didn’t look like they were. But if Yvonne were relaxed, then so was I.

“I won’t,” she said. “I’ll do the shots with my leg hidden. And when the cast comes off, I’ll be able to show it.”

“How?”

“It’s all arranged. I’ll either sit or lean against someone or a wall, a fence. It won’t be easy, but I’ll do it.”

“They still want you then?”

“Yes. Why? What’s going on in your head?”

“I don’t know. I suppose, being outside, it makes me realize how hard this will all be for you, and everyone else. Your leg is heavy and it’s not easy getting around with it. All I can see is you lying down like this, and your face changes when you’re in pain.”

Yvonne buried her face in my shoulder, her hat pushed back off her head. I held her in my arms. “You wait and see,” she said. “They’ll get around it. They’ve had to deal with worse than a broken leg before, believe me.”

TWO

Two weeks after the day of the accident, in the early hours of the morning, Yvonne held onto me and the banister and hopped her way down the stairs. Her crutches, her bag and my bag waited for us at the bottom.

“Why is this being done on a Friday? We won’t get the results till next week,” I asked in the taxi. She sat sideways on the back seat again, her plastered leg again resting on my thighs.

“They told me when to come in. I don’t know,” she said, her voice matching the pain on her face. Having to get up early, then bathe, dress, eat, put on make-up and get into a taxi on time was tiring and painful.

Time to change the subject. “Hey,” I said in a conspiratorial whisper.

“What?” she said.

“How come all the things we do and say in taxis are never told to the press?”

“Haven’t you noticed we always use the same taxis? The same drivers, as much as possible? And that the taxis are much more plush than usual taxis?”

I glanced around the taxi, and saw how plush it was, clean and cozy, and then looked at the back of the driver’s head and saw just short black hair with a cap on top. Then I thought back to the taxi before we climbed into it to see if I could remember his face, but I couldn’t. “No, I never noticed. How come?” I said.

She reached out her hand and reeled me in for a quick kiss. “Good organizing,” she said, leaning back, half on the taxi door and half on the taxi seat. “It’s locked,” she said, noticing me noticing her resting too much on the door. Yvonne shifted more to her right, off the door and onto the seat, until my glare lessened. “Happy?” she said.

“Yes. How come he doesn’t say anything? We’ve said and done a lot in the back seats of taxis. I know we don’t read the papers or magazines unless it’s to see something huge, like the Ice Princess smile. But for them not to talk ─”

“Lyn, they wouldn’t get the work if they talked. It’s not worth it. I’d change to a different service and they’d lose a lot of business.”

“But we have done a lot of things,” I said, smiling at her.

“You!” she said, smiling at me. We were both remembering a very special and erotic night. “Now that was exciting,” she laughed.

“Exactly! How could whoever drove us that night not have told someone? ‘Hey, guess what? I saw you know who doing you know what in the back seat of my taxi with an unknown woman!’ And was the taxi the same as this one? I wasn’t looking at the taxi that night, were you?”

“No, I wasn’t,” she laughed. “But it must have been. Otherwise, it would have been on the news and I would have heard about it.”

“I was beginning to really wonder about the curiosity level of the French,” I said, shifting her leg further down my thighs to let another area get squished. Her left leg was bent up, her left foot on the taxi floor. But her right leg was incredibly heavy.

“The French are curious enough,” she said. “This taxi service is very good, though, and unusual. Okay, time to tell you how special this taxi service is. If the press follow me, and after I filed for divorce from Louis, they did a lot, assuming I now lived somewhere else, the taxi driver would drop me off at Louis’s and then come back and pick me up a few minutes later. I would hide in the garden until the press went away. They, and anyone else who doesn’t know me well, think I still live with Louis. That’s why we never get bothered at the apartment. I know it’s strange for divorced people to still live together, but not that unusual. Don’t forget, I did travel a lot so I was hardly ever there. And you said that taxis were expensive. Well, that’s why, for the added service. But don’t push them too far. One of them, a rotten apple, maybe, will talk if it’s worth it.”

“How much more could we possibly do?” I said with the images still in my head of our first night together.

Yvonne laughed. She had exactly the same thought.

Because the driver hadn’t talked about that night, and we really hadn’t sneaked around, hadn’t really kept ourselves hidden from people, I still found it difficult to believe that Yvonne was as famous as everyone said she was. To me, at that time, anyone who was remotely famous and was seeing someone like we were, especially if that someone was a woman, that was big news. Yvonne was big news, I realized that. I had seen her with the famous of the famous. But I didn’t really know why. Her look was style, her manner was style, and she was complete style, but she wasn’t, in my mind, famous.

I was far too caught up in dealing with my own small world and all that entailed ─ being in a relationship, being in love, being away from home ─ to consider anything else. That was enough for me. If I started to venture outside my own world, that’s when I felt the jitters. Being with a woman didn’t bother me at all. I was so happy to just be with Yvonne. She still made me feel as if I were on fire whenever I looked at her or thought about her. When she touched me, spoke to me, in her loving, sexy way, I was gone with her, completely gone. I couldn’t see past us, and, most of the time, I didn’t want to.

“Another thing about these taxis,” Yvonne said, “we don’t have to pay them. I, we, have a running tab going. Every month, they send a bill to my accountant and he sees to it that it gets paid.”

“Along with all your other bills,” I said.

“No comment. Just don’t pay them from now on.”

“Cool.”

THREE

Despite what I thought would happen ─ the sort of thing I was used to in my normal, non-famous life of waiting for everything ─ we got the results back the same day. Yvonne’s bones were pronounced to be “healing well” and we were told to return to the hospital in another two weeks to have the same tests done, to find out whether the cast could be removed so that she could be fitted for her plastic, removable ones.

During those final two weeks in Paris, we went out. Yvonne made being on crutches nothing to worry about. She was going stir-crazy. Discomfort made her uneasy and crabby. She needed distraction. It was inevitable that the press would find out and they did, but Yvonne never explained how or when it had happened. She was a mystery again.

I became less and less concerned about how she’d manage on the location shoot in Jamaica. I helped her, of course, but most of the time she did it all on her own: hopping around, tossing her crutches to me or on to hooks we had placed around the apartment. We went out to restaurants, plays, cinemas; we visited a few friends, always going to their places, never to ours. I was still very shy and felt on the outside. Being in the apartment was easy, I understood it. I understood Yvonne enough not to let her rattle me. But Paris rattled me. It was huge, it was foreign, it had people in it I didn’t understand, and I didn’t help them to understand me. What was the point? We were going to Jamaica in two weeks. And then what? Big, open question. Never asked and never answered.

I felt as if I were on loan to Yvonne and she to me. We weren’t real, her life wasn’t real. Taxi drivers that didn’t see or hear or talk about anything, and didn’t need to be paid. Glamorous people everywhere. Yvonne the most glamorous of them all. Even her lounge lizard clothes in the apartment were way over my head as far as style was concerned. We never discussed money. I took it from her wallet as I needed it, openly. Yvonne saw me play a couple of games of tennis with Claude. He thrashed me. But I was feeling better. I wasn’t as tired, my headaches were diminishing in intensity, and I was taking so many of Mama’s pills and potions I had to write them down to keep track of them. Mama had decided to treat me sight unseen. She was experimenting on me and the results were relayed back to her via Yvonne. Some treatments made me feel worse and were tossed, but, most of the time, they, or Yvonne, or both, had a wonderful effect on me.

We went to a tanning salon and got our tans, much needed by me, more than Yvonne. Yvonne stayed in longer than me. She was used to them. She looked funny lying on her tanning bed, wearing only goggles, a bikini bottom (for sanitary purposes) and a heavy, white, plaster cast. I went in topless, as well. My breasts were used to the sun’s rays. I had been a topless sun-worshipper for most of my adult life, as were most women who visited Sydney’s beaches regularly.

With my new tan, I thought I might be brave and try on a bikini back at the apartment. If I placed my hands over my red-dotted bikini line, from the electrolysis the day before, I didn’t look too bad. I had filled out some and my new tan made me look healthy. Even my hair looked healthy. And, I reminded myself, in time, my bikini line would be free of red dots and hair permanently. A dream come true.

In retrospect, I knew that I was skinny. Not unhealthily skinny, just not fat enough. Yvonne never said anything about how my ribs and hips showed more than hers did. She was really cluey when it came to not knocking me about my weight, or how my looks compared to her. It was obvious so why mention it.

FOUR

Finally, the Friday morning was here. The Friday when either Yvonne’s plaster cast would be removed and she could be fitted for a removable cast, or the plaster cast would remain on for a few more weeks and she would have to deal with its removal in Jamaica, which would be a royal pain in the bum. Don’t go there.

This is where Yvonne excelled, at contingency plans. Her ability to deal with foul-ups, then plan ahead on a different course, or project her mind forward to every conceivable problem and make alternate plans for foul-ups that may or may not happen. A pin cushion, with Yvonne as the cushion and the pins as her contingency plans, except her pins were time lines that stretched out for months and years.

Yvonne was booked into the hospital for the whole day. That’s how long it would take to X-ray her, wait for the results and then act according to what those damn X-rays said, with the doctors squeezing time in to read them, in their busy schedules.

We were up on the fourth floor again, waiting for the results in another private room when Yvonne said, “What sort of X-ray was that second one? What’s so special about it? The big one, where I felt my legs were inside a time machine and they might vanish at any second?”

“A CAT scan,” I said. “A computerized axial tomography. And the only reason I know that is because I read it in a Stephen King novel and he described it as like being in a giant clothes dryer or some such. I have to see the words in print before I can remember them.”

“And read them in a novel,” Yvonne said, smiling at me. “You are so odd to remember something like that. Not Shakespeare, but Stephen King. Oh, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you. The first time I was in here, they took lots of blood from me for lots of different tests, I don’t know what, but I did ask them, since they had my blood and we are concerned about this… I asked them to test me for AIDS and any other sexually transmitted diseases that can be picked up from a blood test. I have regular pap smears and they’re always clear so I was thinking that, while we’re here, why don’t you have the same tests done. And how come you haven’t been tested for AIDS before? I mean, being sick for so long, you must have had blood tests.”

“I have, heaps of them. But I never asked if they were checking for AIDS. I was too busy worrying about why I was sick and what the doctor could do to fix me. I only thought of AIDS when I got home. I could ring home and ask them. It would take a while to sift through all the reports.”

“That’s what I thought. Easier to have it done now. I’ve already asked, they are expecting you down in that blood place on the ground floor.”

“Pathology,” I said. ”And what about your results? And why can’t someone take my blood here? I don’t want to go wandering around on the ground floor by myself and maybe miss out on your leg coming off. And is this American ground floor or Australian ground floor? I could end up in the basement. Why are you laughing at me?”

“Because you are so funny. Don’t you know by now that I wouldn’t let you wander around by yourself? If we have to stay, then I’ve arranged for someone to take your blood here in this room. So relax, calm down. It’s just a cast coming off. The worst thing is, I go to Jamaica like this. I’ll handle it.”

“Are you positive or negative?”

“Negative on all charges. And it’s a good idea to have AIDS tests done regularly. Who knows what happened to you while you were a nurse.”

“I never jabbed myself with a needle after I’d jabbed a patient, only before, and then I changed needles. I’ve never done IV drugs, I’ve never had a blood transfusion and you’re a woman! We are in the safest sex group possible.”

“We’ve been with other people, in our past lives. AIDS can take years to rear its ugly head.”

“That’s a good one,” I said, smiling at her, but said, “And you are still in a past life with Michael! I was celibate for four long years. If I’m negative now, then I’m safe.”

“Can you be celibate if you masturbate?”

I thought for a second or two before saying, “In my opinion, sex is sex, whether it’s masturbation or not. But, technically, celibacy means not having sex with another person. And yet can priests call themselves celibate if they masturbate? It’s all very confusing. All I know is that I felt celibate even though I was masturbating. And you are changing the subject.”

Yvonne was saved from answering by the door opening and doctors, nurses and physios filing into the room. The word was good. Yes, the white, plaster cast could be removed. A buzz-saw split it open like a watermelon, revealing a pale, filthy-looking leg. It was slightly hairy and covered in plaster from toes to thigh. After the careful removal of the cast and Yvonne’s smelly leg was washed, a plastic mould was taken of it, to be shaped into two plastic casts. Then came the hardest part. Yvonne was told to lie on the bed completely motionless, with sandbags lining her leg on both sides, for hours and hours until the big, plastic cast was fitted. She couldn’t flex her leg, twist it, lift it, nothing! The order was “Don’t move”. Not only her leg, but her hips, her back, anything that could inadvertently move her leg was banned. And the ban extended to no yelling or making enemies of the staff. If she did accidentally forget that her leg was unprotected, one move could ruin all the healing her bones had already accomplished.

During Yvonne’s enforced entrapment, lying on the bed, I sat on a chair and allowed a nurse from pathology to insert a needle into the vein on my right inner elbow and withdraw enough blood for testing, while Yvonne and I chatted. About what, I can’t remember exactly. But I do remember that we laughed. Not too much; it could hurt her very exposed and vulnerable leg. We told each other about our lives before we met. It was in that room on that day that we officially coined the phrase, “Before You”.

Because Yvonne was in such a precarious state, she kept saying things, like, “Before you, I wouldn’t have jumped out of bed if someone walked in on me while I was having sex.”

“Before you, I wouldn’t have chased someone down the stairs and broken my leg.”

“Before you, I was single and carefree.”

“But,” I asked, “were you happy before me?”

“Before you, I was me,” she said.

FIVE

The night we met changed our lives irrevocably. It sounded corny but it worked, because we worked together. Before Yvonne, I was different, and after Yvonne, I was getting to know who the hell I was. I loved loving her and at the time I didn’t think it was strange at all that Yvonne loved me. She needed me as much as I needed her. I didn’t understand her sometimes, but she was magic and I believed I was her magic.

When we kissed and made love, it was like we were on fire, very passionate, very loving and very sexual. We’d spent a lot of time alone, just the two of us, and we’d quickly formed a solid relationship. We had to. Yvonne’s job and lifestyle demanded it. And we wanted to be close, in every way. It was an affair, but, on the other hand, there was a feeling of belonging together that was so strong, so incredibly strong.

We fell in love, in lust. We were close. But even couples who are meant to be together sometimes split up, and there were too many differences for me to be able to see beyond Paris and Jamaica. I took what I could at the time, Yvonne’s love, and gave her mine, that was all. The money, the few clothes, they weren’t important. If the roles had been reversed, I’m not sure if Yvonne would have stayed with me. Opposites attract, but it’s similarities that keep couples together. So we were attracted, but did we have enough in common to stick it out? I still wasn’t sure who Yvonne really was. She was a mystery to me, as I was to myself. We were both evolving.

On the way back home in the taxi, I said to Yvonne, “A funny thing happened when I was talking to Peter and Claude recently. They both said that, around the time of the four shows, and before that, and so on, and so on, you would have been in Milan and New York, as well, doing their shows. They said you always did those, but this year you didn’t.”

“That’s simple, and it has nothing to do with you. I wish it did, but it doesn’t. When I filed for divorce from Louis, I decided I wanted to stick around Paris and not travel so much. So for the first time in decades, I didn’t do Milan or New York. Instead, I’ve done a lot of photographic work, to make money for the agency. If we’d met last year, we would have had to continue our relationship on a million planes and hotel rooms. Isn’t life weird? I’ve been saying that we met at the wrong time, but it wasn’t. It was the best. When I start my agency, you might want to leave me because I will be so busy.”

“What about Jamaica?” I said.

“I couldn’t get out of that. It was booked a long time ago. And Jamaica’s lovely. We should enjoy that. A sort of honeymoon.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too, cherié.”