Warming Trend

Copyright© 2009 by Karin Kallmaker

Bella Books, Inc.

P.O. Box 10543

Tallahassee, FL 32302

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Printed in the United States of America on acid-free paper

First Bella Books 2009

Editor: Katherine V. Forrest

Cover designer: Linda Callaghan

ISBN-10: 1-59493-146-1

ISBN-13: 978-1-59493-146-8

Writing for Bella Books:

Night Vision / The Dawning

The Kiss that Counted

Christabel

Finders Keepers

Just Like That

Sugar

One Degree of Separation

Maybe Next Time

Substitute for Love

Frosting on the Cake

Unforgettable

Watermark

Making Up for Lost Time

Embrace in Motion

Wild Things

Painted Moon

Car Pool

Paperback Romance

Touchwood

In Every Port

Writing for Bella After Dark:

In Deep Waters 1: Cruising the Seas

18th & Castro

All the Wrong Places

Tall in the Saddle: New Exploits of Western Lesbians

Stake through the Heart: New Exploits of Twilight Lesbians

Bell, Book and Dyke: New Exploits of Magical Lesbians

Once Upon a Dyke: New Exploits of Fairy Tale Lesbians

Writing as Laura Adams:

The Tunnel of Light Trilogy:

Sleight of Hand

Seeds of Fire

Feel free to visit kallmaker.com

About the Author

Among Karin Kallmaker’s more than twenty-five romances and fantasy-science fiction novels are the award-winning Just Like That, Maybe Next Time, Sugar and 18th & Castro along with the bestselling Substitute for Love and the perennial classic Painted Moon. Sixty-plus short stories and novellas have appeared in anthologies from publishers like Alyson, Bold Strokes, Circlet, Cleis and Haworth, as well as Bella Books. She began her writing career with the venerable Naiad Press and continues with Bella. Her novels have been translated into Spanish, French, German and Czech.

She and her partner are the mothers of two and live in the San Francisco Bay Area. They were married in 2008. She is descended from Lady Godiva, a fact which she’ll share with anyone who will listen. She likes her Internet fast, her iPod loud and her chocolate dark.

All of Karin’s work can now be found at Bella Books. Details and background about her love for stories of life and laughter about and for lesbians can be found at kallmaker.com.

For Maria, for my children and for hope that it’s not too late to truly change.

My first novel, penned about twenty years ago, was set in 1978, and paid tribute to the times of my greatest hero. Thirty years later, Harvey Milk is still an inspiration. To homogeneity!

Twenty-one! Finally of age, finally legal.

Chapter 1

Misting, frigid air poured out of the ice maker, pooling around Anidyr Bycall’s ankles as she scooped another bucket full of ice from under the bar. She bumped the door shut with her hip, but there was no relief from the cold. Her fingerless gloves were frosted across the backs and she could see her breath hanging in the chilled air as she worked.

A woman who’d been drinking beers for an hour dropped some bills on the bar before leaving and Ani wasn’t surprised to feel them crackle in her hand. Customers came into the On the Rocks Ice Bar to escape the humidity and heat of Key West, and their currency was damp in their pockets. By the time they left, the money had frozen. She tucked the bills in the till. The cash register was a slight heat source and the money would melt again. It was still spendable, and that was all that mattered. 

Lisa, the new cocktail waitress, leaned over the bar to recite her order. Her long blond hair, flowing loosely from under the fur-lined hood of her snowsuit, was reflected in the bar’s gleaming surface like sea foam spreading on cobalt waters. Over the shrill of the music she ordered, “Two Surfer’s Wakes, two margaritas on the rocks with salt, three Conch Indies, and six tequila shooters and beer.” 

Ani kept her gaze fixed on the blender as she filled it with the quick frozen ice she’d just replenished. She spared her voice the effort of being heard by answering with a nod. She expected Lisa to take off for more orders or to pull the beers. Elaborate steins made from ice molds were all lined up, waiting to be filled. Instead, she continued to lean over the bar, openly watching Ani work. Beer wasn’t Ani’s job, and Lisa had to know that by now.

She wanted to tell Lisa there was no need to hang around. Like all the other new barmaids before her, Lisa would figure out Ani didn’t need to be told twice. She’d also figure out that Ani wasn’t much of a talker. The relentless tom-tom of the dance beat made conversation difficult, and Ani liked it that way. She didn’t need to expend what social energy she had on making nice with yet another Key West surfer girl who would move on after a couple of months. Once the novelty of working in a thirty-degree environment wore off, they all left to chase bigger tips or the perfect schedule that allowed more time on their board or on their girlfriend. With nearly three years invested in bartending at On the Rocks, Ani had seen that pattern repeat again and again. Her track record of not learning anyone’s last name was perfect and she was keeping it that way. None of them knew her last name either, and only one or two had ever cared.

“You don’t need to hang around,” she finally said as she shook the blender.

“I’m not used to a place that doesn’t use a computer for orders.”

Ani nodded toward the ice-made bar-height tables that ringed the dance floor. “The longer people wait at a table for you the more likely they come to the bar and order direct.”

“Less work for me then, isn’t it?”

Where did management find these girls, Ani wondered. It was a matter of simple math. “It’s up to you, but you share your tips with me and I don’t share mine with you.”

Lisa looked like Ani had popped a balloon in her face. Her big, blue eyes swam with big, blue tears. Ani was willing to bet Lisa had gotten out of everything from parking tickets to bad grades with those shimmering, glittering eyes, not to mention the waves of blond hair. Black-eyed girls with mops of inky hair never got away with anything at least that was her experience.

“Didn’t they explain it to you? We both share with the table jockey because tables with empty, slowly melting ice mugs don’t attract more orders, and the faster he clears and grades the table surface, the more drinks we serve. But without me, you have no drinks to serve.” She turned to a customer who leaned in between two of the bar stools. “What can I get you?”

A rum and Coke took about twenty seconds to make, and Ani pocketed the cash to make her point to Lisa. “It’s really up to you. You get to him before he gets to me, you make more money.”

“Well, thanks. I guess.” Lisa managed a convincing flounce as she departed to collect a few more orders. With that figure, still noticeable under the tailored, cinched waist of the vivid blue snowsuit, she would easily pull in good tips.

Nevertheless, Ani gave her two months, tops. The money was indisputably good at On the Rocks, but work was required to make it.

Her hands passed quickly over the bottles she needed, chugging alcohol into the blender, followed by scoops of fruit. Ani focused on the frost building on the outside of the blender as it chewed up ice, fresh pineapple and frozen strawberries and frothed them together with dark rum. Conch Indies were one of her signature drinks. The concoction had gotten her this job and the tourists still loved them. The contents weren’t exotic, but customers who chose the On the Rocks were looking for flash and sparkle. They wanted the novelty of drinking from a crystal clear flute made of ice. A Conch Indie tasted good and looked pretty, bottom line. She poured the fragrant pink slush into two tall glasses, then deftly used long-tubed injectors to stripe the glasses along their insides with blue Curacao and Chartreuse. Tomorrow might be the Fourth of July, but in Key West red, white and blue gave way to pink, lime and cobalt. The required tiny umbrellas imprinted with the Conch Republic flag underscored the community’s proud colors.

Customers in lime or pink parkas, provided as part of the bar cover charge, leaned on the tables to yell over the music as they drank. It made for a bizarre contrast with the patrons in their shorts and tanks, staying warm as they danced. The barware, from rocks glasses to brandy snifters, were all the colors of the Conch Republic, either clear or frosted, depending on the method used to freeze them in their molds. The effect gave the inside of the bar the same riotous colors as every other tourist hangout in Key West it was just sixty degrees colder.

She finished stirring up the margaritas, and briefly rested her fingertips against the warmth emanating from the cash register. Her hands were always cold while the rest of her was just fine, even though she only wore jeans topped by a cobalt blue tank top with the On the Rocks logo. Lisa was on her way back with more orders, but it only took Ani a moment to fill six lime-flavored shot glasses with tequila. She winced as acid from the lime peels she twisted into the glasses irritated a hangnail. Only the Surfer’s Wakes were left to prepare. Lisa’s tray was already laden with six drafts she’d figured out that was her responsibility. At least the girl was efficient when she was thinking about it. Crushed ice clung to the sides of the frosted ice-molded steins, glittering with gold as it refracted the strobes and the ale inside. Ani blinked away the memory of that kind of golden light lancing along the crest of a glacier wall.

She glanced down the length of the bar to make sure her customers weren’t trying to order while Lisa deftly added the shooters to her tray and swayed through the crowd to deliver the rounds. She was graceful and had no trouble with a heavy load, points in her favor. She’d be back in under a minute. Ani set up two tall, narrow glasses and reached for the coconut rum.

Lisa’s hair was once again reflected in the bar. After she relayed her next spate of orders, she leaned over, affording Ani a prime view of her lovely real estate, molded by the half-down zipper of her suit. “That’s pretty. That’s the Surfer’s Wake? What’s in it?”

Apparently all was forgiven. “Coconut rum, tequila, salt, ice and blueberry schnapps for color.”

“And club soda?”

“No.”

“But it’s sparkling. The ice is made from club soda?”

“No. The cubes are quick frozen which means there’s a lot of air suspended in them. That’s why they’re cloudy and they melt fast.” Ani lifted the glass to the light, enjoying the variations in the whites of the cubes as they settled in the clear blue liquid. “When ice is slow-frozen it’s clear because the air has time to purge. If a customer asks, tell them it’s like an Alka-Seltzer tablet in water, without the bicarbonate bitterness.”

She quickly tossed another ice cube in bar salt and tipped it over the glass. The cube plopped into the aquamarine liquid and sank slowly to the bottom of the flute. The salt made the cube melt even more quickly, and pretty strands of escaping bubbles danced upward to the surface, creating a thin foam. If she held the glass just right it looked like midday on a glacier field stark white with crevasses that glowed blue from deep within.

“You sound more like a chemist than a bartender.” Lisa’s eyebrows were arched.

“Bartending is all chemistry.” Satisfied with the bubbles and foam, she set the tall glasses on the tray and was spared from saying more by two women who slid onto the stools in front of her the moment they were abandoned by the previous customers. They giggled as they clutched the bar and each other in equal measures.

“Feel the bar,” the redhead urged. “It’s so cold I’m almost sticking to it.”

Ani wiped the surface in front of them, glad to see a nearby resort room key card peeking out of the blonde’s breast pocket. They’d not have far to stumble. “What can I get you?”

The redhead gave her a warm smile, but it was the buzz-cut blonde who ordered two Conch Indies. Sounding slightly peeved, she added, “My girlfriend thinks you’re hot.”

The redhead’s bold eyes were at odds with the demure smile. “What can I say? It’s freezing in here and you don’t even look chilled. And I like Slavic looks on a woman. Tall, dark and moody.”

Slightly intrigued, Ani lifted one eyebrow. “Slavic?”

“My brother-in-law is from Uzbekistan, and you could easily be one of his cousins.”

“My parents were born on the other side of Asia from there.” She might have specified the Bering Sea, but she was fairly certain the redhead wasn’t interested in a geography lesson. “I was born in Anchorage.”

The blonde put a possessive arm around her girlfriend, her expression sour. “If she speaks Russian, are you gonna let her do you?”

The redhead made a show of pouting. “If she speaks Russian, I just might.”

Go play out your domestic drama with someone else, Ani thought. “I’d better stick to English, hadn’t I?” Besides, her Russian had never exceeded nyet—her father had insisted it was her only word until she was four.

The blonde slapped down a twenty for the drinks. “Yeah, you’d better.” Snatching up the glasses, she practically growled as she turned to her girlfriend. “Put your tongue back in your mouth, babe.”

Glad that the blonde then insisted they move to a table, Ani shrugged off the unwarranted hostility. It came with the territory. For some reason, people had no trouble at all airing their dysfunctional tendencies to a bartender, as if bartenders had taken some vow of silence. It wasn’t the first time she’d been used as a jealousy prod. She was going to bet they had hot sex later, and the blonde would give her cute redhead a lot of reasons to forget some bartender she’d never see again. That wasn’t what a relationship was supposed to be about, not to her. Not that she was any expert and she didn’t ever plan to be. The chemistry of ice was far more fascinating and consistent than the personalities of people.

Lisa’s hand drifted over Anidyr’s more than once as she collected beers, drinks and pitchers throughout the night. The pace of the bar peaked at about one thirty, just before last call. The noise was deafening, so she merely tugged her earlobe and shook her head in answer to questions about locations of after-hours clubs.

The music stopped at two, and the lights finally steadied to a wan yellow. The blazing neon bar signs were switched off and the high energy of people with nothing to do but party transformed into weary travelers and staff all looking for bed. Ani spotted the blonde and the redhead necking on their way out.

Lisa counted out her tips and divvied up shares with Ani and the table jockey. Ani balanced the till and divided the leftover cash between herself and the table jockey. The club wasn’t quite as busy on weeknights, and because Ani could keep up with the pace, she didn’t share the bar except on Friday and Saturday nights.  The assistant manager checked inventory and as usual didn’t find a bottle missing, so Ani didn’t owe anything back. She tucked the roll of mixed currency in her pocket, alongside the paycheck for her hours worked and the tips customers paid with credit cards, and headed out through the utility back room. It would be just a few hours before the restoration crew came in to fill molds and replace the ice glasses consumed during the night, and groom the walls and ice sculptures for the next day’s trade. She didn’t look at the ice sculptures much even with the slowest freezing process they could manage, the clarity of the ice was nothing like Fairbanks, which hosted the World Championships every year. She shook off the thought. It wasn’t productive.

“Hey, Ani.” Lisa fell into step alongside her. “Do you remember Kirsten?”

“Sorry. If I saw her I probably would.”

“Well, she remembers you. She said to say hi.”

Ani gave Lisa a sideways look. “She a friend of yours?”

“Not really, but she did say I should try to get a job here.” They turned the corner in the long corridor that ran almost the length of the resort’s main buildings. “And that you would be one of the highlights.”

“She was joking, I think.”

Lisa put one hand on Ani’s bare forearm. “You walk really fast. It’s the long legs.”

“It’s late and home is calling.”

Lisa moved closer, temptingly warm after all the hours of cold. “Bed is calling me.”

Ani tried to look as if she didn’t understand the invitation, then she tried frowning, but Lisa continued to look at her with the big blue eyes and a not-so-subtle heave to her bosom. Under her unzipped snowsuit she wore a ribbed tank that left nothing to Ani’s imagination. “Look, I don’t know what Kirsten told you”

“That you were fantastic with your hands.”

“My handiwork is all at the bar. I don’t go home with anybody.”

“Oh, that’s not what Kirsten said at all.” Lisa leaned even closer, and Ani knew she ought to have felt the heat rising off Lisa’s skin, but she didn’t. She didn’t feel anything but a desire to end the conversation.

“I’m sorry she misled you, then.”

The pouting began. “She said you were hard to get next to, but she’d managed.”

“I can’t explain why she’d say that.” Ani gently removed Lisa’s hand from her forearm. “I have a date waiting for me at home,” she lied. “Sorry.”

Lisa didn’t follow her as she walked onward toward the exit to the employee car lot. Ani consigned the conversation to the list of things she’d make to sure to forget by tomorrow. Why would Kirsten a woman Ani didn’t even remember make up a lie? Sometimes she had no idea what motivated people.

Every ten feet the temperature increased noticeably, and her footsteps slowed as she reached the exit door. She was glad to be unaccompanied. No one would understand why she found it hard to open the door to the lush, exotic Key West night.

She told herself she was being a fool, the same thing she did every night. But she couldn’t help it. It was nearing three in the morning and she didn’t want to leave the cold and ice of the club. She so very much wanted to open the door to forty degrees and the night sky already glowing at the eastern horizon. It was the time of year when, at home, the sun almost never set, and the stars faded like pale milk into the indigo canopy. The time of year when two women could touch noses and not worry they might get frostbite. The time of year when dancing on a glacier at three o’clock in the morning wasn’t suicidal madness, and the northern lights blazed in full celebration of whispered endearments.

She pushed the past out of her head. There was no exhilarating chill on the other side of that door, no aurora borealis. She opened the door and let the humid Key West air brutally remind her that it wasn’t a bad dream, she’d still made the mistakes she’d made, and she still had to accept that this was how it had to be. Key West was her chosen place of exile. She loved living in the Keys. The years of bartending to get through her bachelor’s degree at U of Fairbanks had paid off as her only real vocational skill. Who cared if she could set an avalanche charge or tell, just by looking, if the glacial ice was stationary or moving? Useless. So what if she came from generations of sturdy Russian stock that thrived best when conditions were harsh? Why not live in paradise?

She felt heavy and slow as she claimed her scooter from the lot. Find wisdom, she told herself. It’s not about having what you want, but wanting what you have. Key West, oh she loved the humidity and the sparrow-sized bugs. She loved the constant sweat on her palms and the six-toed stray cats. It was always summer, the flowers were always in bloom and nothing ever changed. Who could want more than all that?

She headed into the thick, cloying night, the sky loaded with stars. She wished she could call it beautiful. She knew that the fireworks tomorrow ought to be spectacular if the clear weather held for one more day. Look forward to the fireworks, she told herself, and stop wishing you didn’t smell of scotch.

Her bungalow was on the other side of the tourist district, past the Hemingway house and into one of the low-rent side streets near the airport. Many of her neighbors also worked in tourism, and she wasn’t the only one arriving home at that late hour. A shower was her top priority, and then a long sleep to start off her Independence Day.

“Ani-dear,” someone called softly, not too far away. She turned to track the voice and saw Shiwan waving. “A package.”

“Sorry,” Ani said as she crossed the small patch of unmown grass that separated their doorways. “They never get it right.”

“Postman lazy. My door much closer.” Shiwan flashed her a tired smile. “I going to bed, so good thing you come home now.”

“Thanks.” She hefted the box, telling herself not to hope that it was from Tan. “I appreciate it.”

She heard Shiwan’s door close before she was back on her own front porch. Once she was in her own narrow foyer, she glanced at the return address A. Salek, Fairbanks, Alaska. It was from Tan. She hadn’t lied to Lisa, after all. This box was a bona fide date.

The familiar mix of excitement and dread played out in a rush of adrenaline, and she quickly pulled off the club tank top and kicked off the worn black Levi’s. Within minutes she was in the shower, scrubbing the odor of booze out of her pores. She toweled her hair until it was damp, enjoying the cool feel of it against her neck. Though she reveled in the club’s icy air, it was stale. The bungalow’s lack of central air conditioning was welcome. The moist air from the swamp cooler refreshed her sinuses, doing as much good as the moisturizer she massaged into her rough hands.

Even as she automatically tended to all the steps that would lead her to bed, she wondered what she’d find in the box this time. What gossip from the university? Would there be new issues of geoLogics? Would any of the newspapers mention people she’d once called friends? It had been three years of experiencing a brand-new climate, but she missed Alaska desperately. That her exile to Key West was her own damned fault only made it harder to let go. Tan’s box of news was an act of pity by the department administrative director to a former grad student who had screwed up. Maybe Tan and the rest of the world believed her guilty of the wrong thing, but she had still made some big mistakes and now she was paying for them. Karma was karma.

Knowing if she opened the box she would not get the sleep she so badly needed to truly study the contents, she made herself leave it on the floor next to the bed. Exhausted as she was, she felt its presence as she waited for sleep. News from home…

She awoke to the pop of firecrackers. Her heart raced at the surprise of it, even though her ear reassured her that the high, light report couldn’t be anything but the rapid crack of tight paper cylinders exploding. She had to blink sleep out of her eyes before she could see the clock. It was already after ten. For just a few moments her day off was no more complicated than wondering if she should doze for another half hour or go back to sleep for even longer.

Another round of firecrackers solved the question and she pushed herself upright with a groan. The day was already humid and hot. A tank and shorts would be too much clothing. The Fourth of July was usually one of the short range of days when a person could wear a tank and shorts in Fairbanks. It was probably in the eighties at home.

She bashed a foot on the box from Tan as she swung out of bed. Torn between a curse and giddy anticipation, she hobbled to the small kitchen to start the coffee. If she had the Internet she could look up the weather at home. She sloshed water onto the counter as she filled the little coffeemaker, then koshed an elbow on the cupboard as she reached for a mug. It was all the fault of the box. News from home always upset her equilibrium the reason she wanted no home computer, no Internet, no contact. If a little box filled with journals had her spilling jam down her shirt, she knew she’d have no peace at all if she could click her way to the university’s class schedules and faculty bios. She dabbed at the jam smear and knew that she really didn’t want to read about the latest candidate to become a tenured geologist at GlacierPort. The bottom line was that it wasn’t her, and never would be. Dr. Anidyr Bycall was a lost dream. Monica Tyndell, professor, doctor of Quaternary geology, undisputed expert in the glacial history under Gates of the Arctic, and Ani’s mentor and idol, would have had to have seen to it that Ani’s entire academic career was expunged.

Tormenting herself with daily news would drive her crazy. Better to wait for these boxes every other month and fill her time and her bank account at the bar. Some day she would explore a different line of study. Some distant day.

By the time she finished her toast and had a half-full mug on the table, her hands were shaking so badly she nicked her thumb with the knife she used to cut the tape. Great, it would sting like hell the next time she made a margarita.

She could have sworn she smelled smoked salmon as she pulled back the flaps. Tan had put Alaska Today right on top, and her breath caught at the stunning photograph of the ice fields east of Juneau. Her nostrils responsively tightened and her perceptions sharpened as if a bite of the icy air had hit her full force. It only lasted for a moment, but in that moment home existed.

The dinette table creaked as she pulled the box closer to her. The technical journals went on the left, the Fairbanks Gazette, University of Fairbanks magazines and newspaper clippings in the middle, and GlacierPort newsletters on the right. Many of the latter were printouts from online versions. She scanned headlines as she sorted geoLogics featured an update to the ice timeline, promising an article that would take her all the way to evening to read and digest. She regularly lied to herself about how much she missed the pleasure of studying data, but when she held some in her hands, she couldn’t deny she was starved for it. She would take the ice data to the beach later, and enjoy it while she waited for the fireworks.

The bottom of the box finally reached, she set it aside so she could fill it with key limes, fresh roasted coconut and the toffee covered hazelnuts that Tan had said she loved. It was the very least she could do to repay Tan’s kindness, especially since so far Tan had refused all offers to come and visit—too hot, too far and so forth. Tan had been the only one who had thought, regardless of what Ani may or may not have done, that Ani had been ill-treated. She had offered to listen, at least. Eve hadn’t listened.

“Enough of that.” She pushed away the memory of Eve’s eyes squeezed tight and her hands over her ears. Don’t tell me anymore! Ani had done exactly what Eve had asked and that was that. She opened the geoLogics to the first page and began on the editor’s abstract.

Her stomach growled so painfully that she closed her eyes for a moment. Dizzy and cramped, she looked in disbelief at the clock on the stove how could it be three o’clock already? She turned her head too quickly and was repaid by a shooting pain along her neck. When she looked at the page of tabular data in front of her the numbers wavered against the white background.

“I get it, I get it.” She muttered more words under her breath as she stamped one foot to get circulation going again. Time for something to eat, and to stake out a spot at the beach. She quickly filled a messenger bag with an older issue of Alaska Today, the geoLogics she had been reading, a couple of Gazettes, and an issue of Terrafrost in case she wanted a break from all the science. Every once in a while, a student’s short story was worthwhile. Adding a thin beach towel to the bag, she headed out to her scooter. She put a bottle of water and an apple, along with a bag of frozen blue ice, in the small cooler bungeed to the back, added her messenger bag with another bungee and puttered out onto the already crowded streets.

After a stop at the ATM to deposit her paycheck, she wove her way through stop-and-go traffic along Flagler until she could use side streets to get to the water. The scooter culture in Key West meant it was generally okay to carefully use the shoulders to pass traffic, but it paid to keep an eye out for fallen fronds from the palms that lined every street. She’d already gotten one flat tire from driving over a dried out edge.

Even though the heat of the afternoon usually kept most of the locals indoors, the fact that it was a holiday meant a lot of people were walking the last few blocks to get to the long strip of eastern shoreline. The fireworks would be visible from almost anywhere on the miles of beach, so she thought she’d spread out near the dog park. There was shade and fresh water nearby. Scooters were three deep along the parking lot fence, but she found a spot to wedge hers in, then walked out to the nearest cabana, the cooler dangling from her fingertips. A few slightly soggy bills from her tip cache acquired a trio of fresh fish tacos with mango salsa, and a thoroughly chilled juice blend the locals called conch-conch. It was never the same twice. Today it tasted like guava had been the primary component.

Her stomach finally at peace, she half-buried the cooler in the sand for insulation and sprawled on the towel, mostly in the shade. She relaxed first with one of the stories from the literary magazine. The Jack Londonesque tale of a dog sled race wasn’t particularly original, but it was certainly enthusiastic and brought back her own exuberant sledding experiences. She pressed the chilled exterior of her conch-conch cup to her cheeks and closed her eyes and let herself have just one moment of vivid remembrance. Her only win had been a midnight race, late June. Her father had said her good fortune was genetic. Those black eyes of hers could see in that mixed twilight, and she’d seen every flag while her competitors had veered off course. When she’d come across the finish line he’d swung her around and around until she was dizzy. She’d been maybe thirteen? She’d never forget Tonk Senior and Bannon and Jeeves and Klinkatet. Beautiful dogs. They’d loved racing.

She wondered what had happened to Tonk Junior. No matter how mad Eve had been with her, Ani knew in her heart that she wouldn’t have taken it out on Tonk. Tonk was still in a loving home, older and slower, but happy. Had to be.

She opened her eyes to the dazzle of orange-gold light. The sounds of puppies and dogs at play in the dog park brought painful nostalgia, but not so much that she wanted to move. She deserved the reminder. She’d disappointed Monica Tyndell, broken Eve’s heart, and Tonk wouldn’t have understood why one day Ani didn’t come back. Dogs only understood hellos, not goodbyes.

Damn. Okay, time for some data to distract her. She studied her way through another temperature table in geoLogics, this time for what was left of the ice sheet near Ellesmere Island, then decided it was time for Alaska Today. She’d never read the magazine when she’d lived there, but now every article held some element of interest. It didn’t matter if the subject was netting salmon on Cook Inlet or bull moose locking horns in Denali. In the Keys she was daily surrounded by yellow sunshine. The photographs from home had blues, beautiful deep, rich saturating blues. Blues in the ice, blues in the ocean, blues in the rivers and even tinting the spruce. Without mountains, it seemed, there were no real blues.

She drank it all in. A recipe from Ketchikan for new pea salad recalled her mother’s Easter dinners. A bed-and-breakfast just outside Anchorage reminded her of the place her folks had run for a while when she was small. Her mother had done most of the work, but dad had helped out between his expeditions. After her mom’s death, Dad had sold the B&B for a tidy sum, a chunk of which had helped with Ani’s first four years of college, with some left over to get her foot in the door at grad school, along with her scholarship. Fat lot of good that had done.

“Hey fancy meeting you here.”

Ani looked up into a flash of blond hair. It took a moment to recognize the face without the snowsuit hood framing it. “Oh, hey.”

Lisa plopped onto the towel next to her. “So where’s that date of yours?”

The question didn’t seem hostile, though the lift to Lisa’s eyebrows suggested doubt at the existence of any date. Ani indicated her reading material. “You’re looking at it.”

Lisa frowned as she picked up the geoLogics. “I can’t say I think much of your priorities.”

“To each her own.” Ani held out one hand for the journal.

Lisa continued to study it. “So is global warming real?”

“Yes it is. We might be in a warming era anyway, but our own pollution is accelerating it faster than our ability to adapt.”

Pointing at a column of core temperature readings for the polar ice sheet, Lisa asked, “How can solid ice have different temperatures and still be frozen? Or is that a stupid question?”

“It’s not a stupid question.” Ani shaded her eyes and was surprised to see that Lisa was serious. She knew a lot of women who ran screaming from data tables. “Fresh water forms the crystal structure of ice beginning at thirty-two degrees at sea level. As the temperature decreases, the crystal structure gets stronger. The inner temperature of the ice reaches a point where its strength turns brittle. Past that point the crystal structure is prone to shattering.”

“So that’s why avalanches are more risky when the temperatures stay unnaturally low?”

Ani hoped she didn’t look as surprised as she felt. “That’s right. Glacial calving is also more likely in extreme cold.”

Lisa dropped the journal onto the towel and gave Ani her full attention. “Just because I don’t look like I went to college doesn’t mean I didn’t.”

“I”

“It’s okay.” She tossed back her hair and flashed an unapologetic smile. “Lots of times I fall asleep to the Discovery Channel. I try not to use my brain a lot now, though. I don’t want to use it up. Sooner, rather than later, the skin’s going to get blotchy, and the equipment” She mimed her curvaceous figure in the air. “The equipment is going to go south. Lesbian sugar mommies are really quite hard to find, so I guess sooner or later, I’m going to have to get a real job. I’ll go back to being Myra, and I’ll need the brain then.”

Ani couldn’t help herself. “That whole bit about the tips was just a dumb act, wasn’t it?”

“Works on guys all the time.” Lisa grinned. “You, on the other hand, didn’t offer to let me keep some of your tip money. Clever woman.”

In spite of herself, Ani laughed. Lisa’s honesty about her motivations was refreshing. “The offer last night, was that about tip money?”

“No. That was about Kirsten saying you were great in bed. She had a good laugh about it when I called her this morning. I’m taking her off my list of friends.” Lisa rested back on her elbows. “So what’s a nice geologist like you doing in a place like this?”

“Earning a living.”

“And not much else, I’ll bet. Really what made you move here?”

“I love the beach.” At Lisa’s patent skepticism, Ani added, “Why else?”

“Because it’s a long way from there.” She pointed at the Alaska Today. “Kirsten was right about one thing. Any girl with a pulse has a heart attack when she walks into thirty degrees and there you are in a tank top and those sexy fingerless gloves.”

“It’s just the uniform. It’s not like I’m”

“Trying, no you’re not even trying, which makes it all the more intoxicating. Then they find out you really are in your element as cold as the furniture.” Lisa stared at her and there was no way she missed the fact that Ani was blushing. “Now I’ve got it figured out. I don’t know who she was, but half the lesbians in Key West hate her.”

“Who?”

“Whoever she was—the one that broke your heart.”

“Oh.” It was Ani’s turn to be rueful. “I broke her heart.”

“And then you took off?” Lisa cocked her head and Ani realized she was a little bit older than she’d first supposed. “Well, since I don’t think we’re likely to date given your preferences…” She nudged the geoLogics with her toe. “That leaves me free to say I think that’s chicken shit.”

Irritated, Ani snapped, “Who asked you?”

“Oh, please. Lesbian code of conduct. If we’re not going to go to bed so we can become judgmental exes, then that means we go directly to being judgmental, but without the whole bitter thing. You broke her heart and took off so you didn’t have to watch her suffer.”

Through gritted teeth, Ani said, “You don’t know anything about it.”

“What difference does that make?”

“God, you’re irritating.” This is why I don’t like people, Ani thought.

“Oh, now you’re talking like an ex. Maybe we should go to bed after all.”

Ani just stared at her.

“What?” Lisa’s gaze was level. “You’re freaked because my real name is Myra, aren’t you?”

“No, I’m annoyed because you’re a know-it-all.”

“For a woman supposedly without a broken heart you have no sense of humor and not a clue how to flirt.”

Ani had thought it was just the reflection off the sand, but the tiniest crinkle at the corners of Lisa’s eyes made it apparent she was being teased. “What if I don’t want to laugh? There’s global warming and the price of gas, you know.”

“Say melanoma in a group of surfers guaranteed to bring the vibe down.”

“I’m not going to win this battle of wits, am I?”

“No. Might as well give up.” Lisa opened the half-buried cooler. “Can I have the apple?”

“Sure, if you buy me an ice cream.”

“Buy your own ice cream!”

“Buy your own apple!”

“You’re incredibly boring.”

Lisa settled in to read TerraFrost. Ani wanted to ask her if she didn’t have plans or something, but she kept her mouth clamped shut.

Some time later, Lisa grunted and said, “Not a bad story. And I got stood up.”

“Whoever she is, she’s a fool.”

Lisa looked up from the magazine, eyelashes fluttering. “That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

“Don’t get used to it.” Ani continued giving most of her attention to an article on fly fishing near Bristol Bay.  “What’s your last name, anyway?”

“Garretson. Yours is Bycall.”

Ani nodded and Lisa was finally quiet.

Someone like Lisa lounging on a towel tended to attract a lot of foot traffic. Guys and girls alike trolled past them. Half the girls Lisa seemed to know, but she was equally laconic with most of them, though a couple earned the kind of smart-ass teasing she’d dished out to Ani. Ani was blotting out the chitchat with another table of ice temperature data when a newcomer’s coy-kitten tone broke into her concentration.

“Don’t you look cozy?” The new arrival was sleek and tall, and sported a mane of golden bronze hair that had to have emptied a salon of its entire supply of extensions.

“Hello, Tina.” Lisa didn’t move, but her breathing had gone shallow. “Yes, I’m cozy.”

“It’s a shame we don’t see you around much anymore.”

“I’ve made a clean air environment a priority. For my health.”

“Remember Mindy?”

“How could I forget? The image of her skinny legs wrapped around you left me with retinal damage.”

Ani couldn’t see Lisa’s eyes, but she could have sworn that little fire bolts darted out of Tina’s. “Now that we’re living together she’s handcrafting me a board.”

“Something to do after getting canned from the board shop?”

The fire bolt eyes turned to Ani. “Who’s this?”

Ani answered, giving Tina a patently false smile, “Anidyr.”

Tina dismissed her with a blink, and went back to trying to burn a hole in Lisa. “Your dear Ani? I didn’t know you were dating finally, even after all this time.”

Ani had seen Tina’s excellence-in-bitchery type in the student union back home. When the sun rose at eleven a.m. and set four hours later practice with verbal knives passed the time. “We haven’t been dating for very long. It took me forever to convince her I wasn’t another lowlife.”

Tina made a face at both of them. She flicked some sand onto the towel and the reading material. “Taking a vacation to Alaska or something?”

She’s dying to know, Ani thought, which makes her still hung up on Lisa or a control freak stalker. Control freak stalker seemed more likely.

Lisa brushed the sand off the Alaska Today. “Yes, you’ve got it. I am in awe of your deductive abilities.”

“Before we go,” Ani said, “Lisa thought we ought to familiarize ourselves with the deterioration of oxygen isotopes and the rate of glaciation retreat.”

“Ani’s a geologist.” Lisa smiled sweetly. “I’m sure with her help I can work my way up from ablation of the ice cap to the proper use of a surf wax comb.”

Tina tossed her hair, which was no small feat. “Whatever. See you on the curl that is, if you can still get your ass up on a board.” She stalked off, her hair blotting out the setting sun.

“You didn’t have to do that,” Lisa said. “Now I owe you.”

“It was self-defense. She was standing in my reading light.”

The tension in Lisa’s body eased. “I used to think she was a big deal. I was flattered she even noticed me.”

“And then you figured out she was a bitch?”

“No, then I fell for her and we moved in together.”

“And then you figured out she was a bitch?”

“No, then I did her laundry for thirteen months, eleven days.”

“And then you figured out she was a bitch?”

“No, then I walked in on her and that skinny, empty-headed surfboard waxer.”

“And then you figured out she was a bitch?”

“Yes.”

“Only took me thirty seconds.”

If Lisa had been wearing glasses, she’d have been giving Ani a stern look over the top of them. “Your point?”

“Battle of wits…tie score.”

“Fine.” Lisa heaved a long-suffering sigh. “You know how they say that sometimes a person is meant to be a better friend than a lover? She wasn’t even a good friend.”

“Or a good lover?”

“I didn’t say that. Why do you think I stayed for so long?” She dusted off her hands with an aura of dispelling evil spirits. “Can I watch the fireworks with you?”

“Sure. As long as it’s not a date.”

“Can’t be.” Lisa opened the magazine in her lap. “I don’t date anyone I like.”

Ani laughed and reached into the messenger bag. “You’ve read that one. Have a local tabloid. The police blotter is always fascinating reading. Close encounters between cars and moose, that sort of thing.”

Lisa flipped open the first few pages. “I’m riveted. Hey, professors in Alaska are pretty darned hot. Did you ever study under this one?”

Ani glanced at the photograph Lisa was tapping and said, “No.”

After a raised-eyebrow look, Lisa refocused on the page. “Okay. If you say so.”

“I do.” Not the way you mean it, Ani thought.

“Okay. I believe you.”

Ani went back to her data, but she saw none of it.

Monica Tyndell was as beautiful as ever. So was Eve. And they looked very happy, arms around each other’s waists.

“You don’t do fireworks in Alaska?” Lisa stretched and shifted on the towel, the newspaper still in her lap, even though the sunlight had faded thirty minutes ago.

It was all Ani could do not to snatch it up. “We do them, they’re just not all that successful. Things happen to the properties of chemicals when they’re catapulted into sub-freezing air layers.”

“That makes sense. Same thing happens to women who hit on you, too.”

“That’s right, I’m frigid. Sub-freezing.”

“Like hell you are first one!” Lisa’s squeal was all-child at the first big burst of golden sparks.

To Ani’s relief, the fireworks were enough to distract Lisa from another dissection of Ani’s love life. The sliver of crescent moon was almost set, and within moments the night sky was brilliant with cascades of colors under the sparkle of white stars.

For a while neither of them said more than “Wow” and “Good one!”  The rapidity of the launches increased.

“Green’s my favorite,” Lisa shouted over the sustained barrage of explosions. “Like ocean in the sky. I think this is the finale.” The fountain of emerald ribbons was replaced with starbursts of burning pink.  

Ani’s agreement was drowned out by the sustained popping of mortars. A resounding, beach-shaking boom was followed by a brilliant white wash of sparklers dripping from sky to ocean.

Ani closed her eyes, sensing the resonance of the explosion from the sand underneath her. Her skin could feel the heavy blanket her father had used as a shock and sound wave buffer. She could hear his voice, plain as day.

“See, Ani? Did you feel the difference? Dynamite sounds different from Tovex.”

“I could tell, Dad.” She’d watched her breath form in the air under the blanket. “It made a deeper sound does it penetrate deeper, too?”

“Take a look.” Her father had flung back the blanket, leaving Ani to blink in the dazzling summer sunlight. “What do you think?”

Ani trained her binoculars on the glacier wall more than two football fields away. A large fissure had been opened. The shadows and intermittent presence of blue ice said it ran deep, much deeper than the fissure the earlier blast with Tovex had opened. “I see it. How come they want you to give up using dynamite?”

“Water-gel compounds are more stable, especially at these temperatures. Tovex can be much more subtle, and sometimes that’s good. Several small charges can be more predictable in results.”

Ani glanced at her father, meeting the gaze from the same snapping black eyes that stared back at her from mirrors. “You’d prefer to stick with dynamite.”

He nodded. “Yes, but if I want to keep working, I need to be open to different ways. Let’s get the last blast done, Ani-my-dear.”

“Can I press the button?” Her father had laughed and handed her the controls as they crawled back under the protective blanket.

Lisa smacked Ani on the arm, jarring her out of her reverie. “This is the best one I’ve seen down here.”

“Me too,” she said automatically.

There wasn’t bone-freezing ice under her and the concussions from another barrage of fireworks wasn’t followed by the endless rumble of a glacial ice crystals breaking and falling into packed ice below. In spite of the heat still rising from the sand, Ani’s arms were covered in goosebumps.

It wasn’t that late when Lisa disappeared on foot toward her own bungalow, not far from the beach. Ani packed up her belongings, found her scooter and headed for home, telling herself not to speed. Once in her door she made her way to the table, dumped out the contents of her messenger bag and opened up the Fairbanks Gazette.

Right there. Monica and Eve, with Monica’s arm casually around Eve’s waist. Eve had let her hair grow a little longer, but it was much the same curly and light. She was almost the same height as Monica. Her ear had nestled perfectly just below Ani’s shoulder when they’d hugged and Eve had been given to secretly smooching Ani’s neck during otherwise casual looking embraces. She devoured the photograph with her eyes, then finally made herself read the caption. Braced for it, the words still took her breath away.

University of Fairbanks Professor Monica Tyndell and local chef Eve Cambra celebrate their partnership outside of the new Dragonfly restaurant in North Pole.

Eve had always wanted a restaurant of her own. “I’d open it in North Pole,” she’d said, her voice drowsy as she nestled against Ani’s shoulder. “A short commute and lots of military folk.”

Ani had laughed and pulled the covers around them. “I can hear the ad now. Box lunch at Eve’s, across from Dyke Range, oops we mean Fort Wainwright.”

Eve giggled softly in her ear. “Crude. Funny, but crude.”

“I was raised in the society of men. Dad, buncha guys who liked to climb around on glaciers and sometimes blow up parts.”

One knowing fingertip drifted along Ani’s arm, sending tingles all the way to Ani’s toes. “I’m glad to show you what you were missing out on.”

Ani spread Eve’s lustrous golden hair on the pillow, loving the way the midnight sun turned it bronze. “I always knew I was missing out on women.” She brushed her lips against Eve’s. “But life didn’t get good until I realized what I was really missing was you.”

“Sweet,” Eve had murmured. “Show me.”

Ani had shown her, shown her every way she could think of. Loved her, wanted her, lived for smiles from her. Watched the play of red and green aurora over Eve’s face as they danced on a glacier at three o’clock in the morning.

Now Eve was with Monica. Monica was an amazing woman, a gifted and talented one, the type of woman that someone like Eve deserved.

She made herself memorize the photograph of the two of them. They looked good together. She played back in her head Lisa’s offhand remark: You broke her heart and took off so you didn’t have to watch her suffer.

Maybe that was exactly what she’d done. She didn’t want to see Eve suffer, and the disappointment in Monica’s eyes had cut her ego to ribbons. Now they were better off. At least they’d moved on.

She could do the same, now that she knew. She could leave them be, finally, and move on herself. It was a relief. Crawling into bed, she told herself that she had warm, sensuous Key West nights all to herself, no more regrets. It had all worked out for the best.

Covers pulled up around her ears, arms wrapped tight around a pillow—none of it helped. Cold to her core, she was still shivering when she finally fell asleep.

Chapter 2

Eve Cambra didn’t want to wake up, but her brain was already telling her she had to. Tonk, nudging her hand with his wet nose, was telling her the same thing.

“Stop it, dog.” She swallowed several times to ease her dry throat, then opened one eye. The alarm clock had gone off, and Tonk was regarding her with concern. “I’m awake. You don’t have to breathe on me.”

For an answer Tonk gave her fingers one last nuzzle, then subsided with a sighing moan to his cushion. For a Newfoundland, nine was well past middle age, but he still did his job, which was looking out for her. She leaned out of the bed to tickle Tonk’s ears and was rewarded with a pleased sigh.

Naps in mid-afternoon always left her feeling thick-headed, especially when the sun was up. In July, midsummer, the sun was always up. She made herself take a shower, loathing the shock to her system, but she wouldn’t get a chance later. She had to stay up late tonight and work her last catering commitment for a Fourth of July wedding, booked six months ago. She was a restaurateur now, and a successful one. It had said so in the paper.

Tonk followed her from the bright whites and greens of her bedroom to the big kitchen where more sunshine streamed in, illuminating every nick in the pine floors and counters. Now that she had the restaurant, she would no longer need the large appliances and workhorse pots and pans, and having the wood surfaces sanded and refinished was high on her list of things to do once the Dragonfly provided a little more excess income.

After brewing a more than decent cup of tea, she set about washing and chopping spinach and buttering phyllo for spanakopita triangles. Two assistants would arrive in the next hour to do the last of the assembly. At the reception hall they’d do the final touches, like searing tuna and toasting hors d’oeuvres.

Earpiece firmly in place, she cued up a call to the restaurant. “Hey Neeka how is everyone doing?”

“Boss, we’re fine. Did you get a nap?”

“Yes, I got a nap. Now I’m cooking.”

“Did you need something?”

Eve could picture Neeka leaning over the big stove, looking peeved at the interruption. “Just reassurance.”

“Consider yourself reassured. There weren’t enough apples for the whole dinner service, so I changed the special to cobbler with ice cream, and we’ll serve eighteen slices out of a pan instead of twelve.”

“Oh. Do we have enough ice cream?”

“I checked. Yes.”

Eve hated not making decisions like that, but she was trying to learn good management. Neeka had made the right move. “That sounds fine, then. Thank you for adapting.”

Neeka seemed mollified that Eve hadn’t called up to criticize her abilities. “John Russ rang about the rhubarb. Thinks it’ll come in middle of next week.”

“Fantastic. What did he say about his summer squash?”

Neeka filled Eve in on what appeared to have been a long, chatty exchange with an owner of one of the series of greenhouse farms located in the fifteen miles that separated North Pole from Fairbanks. The growers’ close and cooperative nurturing of their resources kept the area supplied year-round with produce, eggs and goats’ milk. After finishing the chat with Neeka, Eve unwrapped a chub of fresh goat cheese from Delaney Farms. She inhaled the sharp tang and tasted a sliver. Dandy. She happily divided it up for hors d’oeuvres, salad dressing and an artisan cheese and fruit plate.

She paused in her prep work long enough to write down a reminder to check back with the woman who had been trying to launch a chocolate wholesale business. Middle of winter, when it was averaging twenty-below, Eve was hoping the Dragonfly was on everyone’s mind for the most incredible hot chocolate they’d ever had, along with a slice of rich winter stollen. Tourists were the profits in a restaurant like hers, but she wouldn’t make her overhead if locals didn’t drop in all year round.

She kneaded, squeezed, chopped and sliced while she did sums in her head. Tourists wanted variety and local flavors. Locals wanted value and something they couldn’t make themselves. Her first winter was vital to her survival. Menus drifted through her head as she spooned fillings into flatbread boats, slivered roasted peppers onto canapés, and gutted avocados. Slowly the trays filled, and she was really glad to hear the putter of Bennie’s Jeep in the driveway.

Tonk clanked to the side door and let out a deep bark of hello. Bennie was welcome any time, in Tonk’s opinion.

Bennie spared a greeting for Eve, then went to his knees. “Hey there, boy, who’s a lover, who’s a lover... that’s right, get it out of the way now before I have to wash my hands and face. Okay, okay, that’s enough slobber.” He got back to his feet, and shucked his shoes near Tonk’s bed. “I’d steal that dog from you if I could afford to feed him.”

Eve watched Tonk plop down in his bed and stretch out so his head was on Bennie’s sneakers.  Right on cue, noises of Newfie euphoria were audible. “Tonk would love it, as long as he got to sniff your shoes.”

“That would be sort of embarrassing in front of a date,” Bennie admitted. He was no taller than Eve’s five-seven, but outweighed her by at least thirty pounds. “I can’t find a guy who’ll do that for me.”

“Too much information.” Eve frowned, knowing what Bennie’s next topic would be.

“Not like you’ve got a girl.”

“I don’t need a girl, Bennie. Watermelon boats, that’s what I really need right now.”

Tonk sighed in dog ecstasy and Eve had to smile. The only other shoes Tonk had been crazy about had belonged to Anidyr. Tonk was lucky he’d found a substitute for the shoes.

Bennie was surgically precise with a knife and fruit, and Eve left him strictly alone. She’d have plenty to do keeping up with Dina, the pastry wizard, when she arrived.

The headset rang in her ear and she tapped it with a clean knuckle.

“Hey partner, what are you doing later?”

“The Payson wedding, remember?”

Monica sounded chagrined. “That’s right. I have a faculty make-nice party and I’m looking for a cheap date.”

Eve laughed. “The day you have to actually look for a date is the day we break off into the ocean.”

“They lost another dozen square miles of ice sheet last week off Ellesmere, so don’t think that’s impossible.” Eve could picture Monica tucking a lock of jaw-length blond hair behind one ear. “I’ll have to keep making calls, I guess.”

“Sorry I can’t oblige. Food someone else made has an appeal.”

“Maybe next time, Eve. Have a great wedding.”

Eve went back to piping deviled eggs. Monica had called her a number of times for similar outings, never dates. They’d gotten to know each other over time, culminating in Monica’s willingness to co-sign on the start-up loan from the Small Business Administration, and invest a small sum as well. Eve had always been a little surprised by Monica’s generosity, but the lesbian community was small, and they tended to help each other as best they could.

Her first serious relationship had left her with a collection of Tupperware and the motto “Never Date a Woman on the Rebound.” The legacy from the last relationship was a dog and a business investor. After three years of being buried in her business, she’d made peace with the broken heart. If she had a minute to call her own, she might accept some of Monica’s offers to meet eligible women, but the restaurant was too new to risk lack of focus. Next summer, she thought. She’d be ready next summer.

Dina’s arrival, with her toddler and a port-a-playpen, was a happy diversion from the little voice that wanted to know how many more times she’d tell herself “next summer.” The child was quickly stowed and Tonk abandoned the adoration of the shoes to take up a protective position. Sitting, he could put his chin on the railing of the playpen, which delighted the little one to no end.

Eve was competent enough at spreading filling, and even piping frosting, but Dina was the master at fondant and flowers. For the next hour they worked together to finish the three-layer cake. Dina’s swirl of iris petals and leaves climbing pristine white sides were exactly what the bride wanted.

“It’s nearly four,” Bennie said. “I’ve done all I can here. Do you want me to start loading?”

“Yes, or we’ll be late.”

“Weddings always run late,” Dina said.

“True except when the caterer is late. Then they are distressingly on time.”

The heavy commercial van that had served her business for almost a decade held plenty of room for the stacking bins and trays. Bennie had a lot of the food squared away before Eve could help much, and while she finished, Bennie changed into the chef’s smock and black slacks they wore for service. She made a likewise quick change, and minutes later they waved at Dina, who was packing up the baby and materials and would lock up the house. So far, so good everything was on its usual breakneck pace schedule.

It was a relief to get to the reception hall and find no one from the wedding party had arrived yet. The doors were unlocked and tables inside were already decorated with sprays of iris, baby’s breath and pink-tinted carnations. She and Bennie moved all the food to the industrial kitchen and got down to their business. By the time the leading edge of the celebrants arrived, everything was spread out on mirrored platters and chafing dishes and arranged on the white tablecloths. It was a beautiful summer evening and it passed in a blur of heating, arranging, serving, and replenishing. She personally served cake after the ceremonial cutting, and was pleased by the compliments the food received.

The payment plus tip was a hefty sum, and she headed home at eleven, glad there was still an hour of daylight. Bennie motored off into the night and Eve banged her way through the dirty dishes in the kitchen and congratulated herself for not calling Neeka once.

“Sit!” Tonk immediately complied and deftly caught the cooked shrimp she tossed his way. Scrapings from various bowls and cook pots she put in a dog dish and set on the floor where Tonk’s food always went. There was very little he wouldn’t eat and as Bennie had said, feeding a Newfie was a commitment. Tonk was tall enough to butt her in the butt, and knock her down if he meant it. Not that her gentle giant would ever do that, unless it was for her safety. She scratched Tonk’s back while he cleaned the dish and she waited for water to boil for her favorite chai tea.

“What a day, boy, and I have a nice, big check in my pocket to show for it. Tomorrow we’ll go to the ATM—you remind me. If we don’t, Bennie and Dina aren’t going to be able to cash their checks. Everything will go bouncy-bouncy.” After one last pat, she poured out her tea, finally feeling all the stress of the day drain out of her shoulders.

She let Tonk out for a last investigation of the yard and wandered to the edge of the deck that stretched the length of the house. She loved the faint aroma of cedar that clung to the new siding. The temperature couldn’t be much cooler than about fifty. With sunset finally approaching, nature’s fireworks of green and gold, with rare flares of vibrant pink, were dancing over the northern horizon.

Maybe it was the clank of Tonk’s collar, or the rising lights, or simply that it was summer. Whatever the reason, her earlier thoughts of Ani couldn’t be pushed away so easily. Their first date had been a night like this.

And Ani’s first words: “You make deviled eggs the way my mother did.”

Eve had glanced up, trying to look as if she was paying attention, and only got a quick glimpse of neck. She plated more smoked salmon, toasted rye bread and seasoned cream cheese before she glanced again, this time much higher up. The woman was black-haired and very tall, probably the tallest person in the room, and Eve knew that if she’d ever seen her before, she’d have remembered. “It’s just a basic recipe and some fancy work with a piping bag, but thank you.”

“Spicy mustard.” The woman licked her fingers with such casualness that Eve knew she had to be a student, not faculty. She also didn’t look much past twenty-five, and her well-worn jeans and practical Windshear vest over a plain white button-up shirt, underscored her student budget. She couldn’t be just any student, though, not at a faculty soiree. Grad assistant, Eve decided.

“Do I use it? Well, I can’t stand it if it’s just mayonnaise.” Taking into account that the last thing people at these parties did was talk to the caterer, she asked, “Is this your first event like this?”

She got a nod in return. “I was just accepted to the doctoral program at GlacierPort. Monica Tyndell is going to be my advisor.”

“Congratulations!” Eve was impressed. “Professor Tyndell is a bona fide, pardon the pun, rock star.”

“Are you a student?” The woman gestured at the table and plates. “Working your way through?”

Eve laughed even though she didn’t give the young woman many points for powers of observation. “Aren’t you sweet? I’m older than I look I own the company doing the catering.”

“That’s cool. You must love food.”

“I do.”

“So you’re running your business in what makes you happy.”

“Well, I was never much of a student you probably have more education than I do.”

The woman frowned, her dark eyebrows assuming a deep vee. “What’s that got to do with anything?”

“Nothing, it’s just…” Eve arranged another plate of food for a faculty member who gave a vague nod of recognition. She’d catered his holiday party six months ago. After he wandered away, she finished, “This particular group of people puts a high value on alphabets after your name. I have none, so…”

“My father didn’t have any, and he knew more than most of the profs at GlacierPort. But they wouldn’t let him teach there because his knowledge was mostly hands-on. So I know what you mean.”

Not your typical rock student at all, Eve decided. GlacierPort was fairly exclusive and she was used to being looked at from on high. “Are you following in his footsteps?” A small part of Eve’s mind was noting that she’d never seen anyone with nearly black eyes before.

“That’s my plan. With the alphabet soup after my name. It’ll be Doctor Bycall by the time I’m done.”

“Well, good luck.” She wiped her hands on her chef’s apron and extended her right hand. “I’m Eve.”

“Ani.”

The clasp of hands across the serving table lasted long enough for Eve to take a quick breath and think, She’s gay. Good.

Whatever Ani thought didn’t show in those dark eyes. But she said, “What are you doing after this?”

“Washing dishes.” No, she added to herself, it wasn’t good that she’d been pleased that Ani was gay, not good at all. She had no time, and Ani was too young, and their worlds didn’t overlap, and…lots of reasons why she shouldn’t be thinking about how tall Ani was taller than Cyndy by at least five inches.

“Have you been out on a glacier at midnight?”

“I can’t say that I have. I tend to be asleep by midnight.”

“The northern lights are casting pink right now. It’s really spectacular reflected off the ice.”

Eve didn’t hide her skepticism. “Is this a geologist’s version of asking a girl to see her etchings?”

Ani blinked. “I wasn’t I mean… You’re the most interesting person I’ve talked to all night. I was going to go out to watch the lights later and I thought…”

Eve tipped her head to one side and waited. Bingo Ani blushed. It started low, just a faint pink at the cheeks, then it blossomed into a full-scale red that washed down to her throat. “After a couple minutes of conversation you thought I might want to see the lights, that’s all.”

“Right.” The red deepened.

How cute is that, Eve asked herself. How surprising, too, that she took delight in torturing the woman into blushing, but it felt like a defensive tactic. Like she needed to prove she could get under Ani’s skin because Ani able to express appreciation for something as simple as a deviled egg might be able to get under hers. It had been a really long time since anyone had even tried to chat her up. She was over thirty, by a year, and students were usually horrified by the idea of involvement with someone they’d call ma’am. Men seemed to appreciate her curves which might be a little too plump at the middle but still filled out jeans nicely, in her opinion but not so much the lesbians. There just weren’t that many of them, and, well, the Monica Tyndells of the world weren’t interested in a curvy caterer. With someone like Tyndell around, those who might find Eve attractive were too dazzled to notice. Profs dated profs or dabbled with their grad assistants. Anyway, Professor Tyndell wasn’t her type, and she’d watched the good professor work a room at parties like this one dozens of times. She couldn’t escape the feeling that even in an intimate relationship, Tyndell still worked it.

Ani’s blush was fading and Eve thought she was on the verge of mumbling something and leaving, so she quickly said, “I guess the only way to prove the innocence of your intentions is to go with you and see if you spring any etchings on me.”

Ani blinked again, but this time there was an obviously appreciative gleam of humor in her eyes. “We’ll see, then.”

“I’ll be out of here at nine thirty, and probably done with what I need to do at home by eleven. I have to go home first dirty dishes cannot wait for morning.”

“Okay. How about I pick you up?”

Eve couldn’t resist. “Didn’t you just do that?”

Ani blushed again it was absolutely delightful. This blush wasn’t as deep, probably because Ani was grinning. “Why yes I did. What’s your address?”

Eve told her how to find the house and spent the rest of the party in a subdued state of puzzlement and excitement together with dread and curiosity. She hadn’t been on a date in at least a year. What would she wear? Would she have time for a shower? She hadn’t any clue what music was hot right now with the college crowd that’s what she got for having no space in her life for MySpace. The demon of self-doubt said things like “She’s just a kid” and “It won’t last the summer” to which the angel of spontaneity asked, “What does that have to do with it?”

Scrubbing herself in the five minutes she thought she could safely allow for a shower, she calmed her nerves by pointing out that just because Ani had decided she was a decent conversationalist didn’t mean there was any reason for anything to go any further. Watching northern lights on a glacier was Ani’s way of asking her out to coffee, and that was all. It wasn’t a pity date, either. She knew exactly what that felt like and Ani had not seemed the type to expect good things merely because she’d asked out the non-beauty queen.

She quickly brushed the snarls out of her hair as she blasted it with the hand dryer. Why hadn’t she said eleven thirty, and given herself time to at least put on some eyeliner or blush? Her mother’s steadfast insistence that Eve’s face was interesting, and would be handsome when she was older, didn’t change the fact that her nose was a little too pert, her eyes a little too wide and unremarkably blue and her lips too pink and thin. Her little brother had called her hair yellow when she’d been about seven, cementing her belief that no matter what, she’d never be a blonde. In a climate that produced strong, vibrant beauty, she had never compared favorably.

Yanking a thick shepherd’s sweater over her head she tried to get her hair to look as if she cared, and finally bundled the shoulder-length mess into a warm fleece beanie that had matched her eyes before repeated trips through the laundry. Liners of her favorite silk and cotton blend thermals went on before the dark-washed jeans. She was just pulling on wicking thermal socks when she heard a car in the driveway.

“I have an insulated tarp, a blanket and a thermal power source in the truck,” Ani said promptly. She’d changed into a thick gray flannel shirt and a body-hugging lined vest of vivid magenta.

Eve stood aside to let her into the house. “We need provisions, don’t you think?”

“I can tell you’re a cook.” In spite of heavy boots, Ani’s tread was still light.

“Chef.” Eve led the way to the kitchen, glad there was no sign of the latest ant outbreak around the front door, and that she’d hurriedly stuffed the stack of newspapers that collected in the entryway into the recycling. 

“Chef, sorry. Can I help with the provisions?”

“Yes.” Eve put Ani to work mashing and bashing dates and almonds together with chocolate chips and a small amount of simple syrup, while she made a Thermos full of hot chocolate. The two of them finished by spreading her mixture onto graham crackers.

“The perfect energy food,” Ani pronounced. “My dad would have approved.”

“When did he pass on?”

“Last year. I still think about him a lot. My mom died when I was eight and so it was him and me.”

“I’m sorry.” Eve wrapped the graham sandwiches in neat folds of wax paper. “I’m lucky, I guess. My folks are alive and well, and living in Oregon. The winters got too hard. I’ve a brother who lives in Juneau. I don’t seem him often he’s Pentecostal, not hateful to me or anything, but…not a lot to talk about over dinner since I came out.”

Ani took charge of the little picnic basket when Eve was done adding napkins, water and wedges of leftover pizza. She liked that Ani hadn’t questioned the necessity. In spite of their knowing better, every year a couple of students died for lack of water and food. Ice fog, a freak storm shelter could be twenty feet away and invisible. Nature in these parts showed how evolution worked: the foolish didn’t survive.

“Thank you, this will be delicious later.”

“You’re welcome.” Eve locked the front door behind them. “Do you do this often?”

“Only in summer. The Bycalls aren’t suicidal. We know to come in when the temperature gets below zero.”

 “Such common sense.” She followed Ani into the dimming sunshine of the long Alaska day, out to an old double-cab truck. Just before they reached it, the vehicle rocked violently and something really large loomed in the passenger window. Ani opened the door and the something large leapt to the ground near Ani. A fierce shaking followed, and Eve was surprised the ground didn’t shudder under her feet. “Who’s this?”

“This is Tonk.”

“Tonk.” She held out a hand and waited patiently to be sniffed. Apparently, she smelled yummy enough, because the Newfoundland promptly nudged her hand aside and bumped her in the hip with a firm nose.

“Oh, Tonk likes you.”

“I’m honored.” She looked at the truck, the dog, then Ani. “Is there room for all three of us in there?”

Ani grinned and gestured to Tonk. “In with you.”

Tonk promptly settled onto the rear seating bench.

Eve peered skeptically. Ani gestured and repeated, “In with you.”

Smiling, she climbed into the truck, saw that Tonk did indeed fit neatly in the back of the cab. She hesitated putting her basket of goodies back there, though. “Are you sure he won’t eat it?”

“Tonk knows people food isn’t his.” Ani dug under the seat and came up with a wrapped dog treat. “Put this in there, too, and he’ll protect that basket with his life.”

Ani lost no time getting them from North Pole to Fairbanks, which sprawled along the Chena River. The clock read nearly midnight as they headed east to take the loop road toward the GlacierPort facilities. The sun sank below the horizon just as they pulled into the parking lot.

“Someday,” Ani said as she switched off the engine, “I’m going to be a geologist here.”

“If you get your Ph.D. they’d almost have to hire you, wouldn’t they?”

“I’m hoping so. Some people think my dad was crazy.” Ani pulled on a parka, zipped it and drew up the hood before opening her door. “He did have some college work, but it was in Russia, and he didn’t make himself all that popular with the ivory tower folks when he first moved here back in the seventies.”

“People thought he was a communist?”

“Technically, he was, but politics meant nothing to him. Glaciers don’t know national boundaries. Anyway, somehow theories about ice sheets were part of the red menace. U of F was the most welcoming place, don’t get me wrong, but even so, drilling, measurements and demolition were all they certified him to do. The only person he ever got to teach about ice, about geology and history, was me.”

The wind blew away the bitterness in Ani’s voice. Eve quickly yanked on her gloves. Shouting over the icy gusts, she asked, “Are you sure this is a good idea?”

“The parking lot’s a wind tunnel. It’ll be easier on the other side.”

Her guide obviously knew the way. In the gathering gloom of night Ani was certain in her steps and Tonk had already disappeared ahead of them. Eve thought Ani must have been haunting the teaching laboratory for years. If ice was in your blood, this was the place to study it.

Following a path that was only available in summer, Ani led her around the northernmost building and over the wooden footbridge that spanned the gap between solid ground and the glacier’s surface.

The reflected aurora borealis temporarily dazzled Eve the moment they cleared the shadow of the building. The glacial landscape was painted with brilliant pink and green, and the dramatic moraine striping stood out in even starker contrast. Ani’s face was washed with gold. There was really nothing else to say but, “Wow.”

“In a nutshell,” Ani agreed. “If we had the gear, we could hike and climb on down to the Chena from here.”

Several times a week Eve drove past the dramatic panorama where the glacier emptied into the river. “Where does it start? All the way at Mt. McKinley?”

“Not quite. Naomi Glacier is an offshoot of Ruth Glacier, which does originate below the mountain.”

“Nice,” Eve said. “About the names.”

“I wish it was after the Bible story, but I think the Naomi was named after somebody’s wife, not Ruth’s Naomi.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Eve said. “It’s still nice.” She paused before stepping off the bridge. “You’re sure this is safe? People fall into the crevasses all the time.”

“The nearest drop is about twenty feet that way.” Ani pointed. “Because this is a heavily used access, we ultrasound the area regularly to make sure nothing has opened. We’re just going to go about ten feet this way. Was I right about the wind?”

Eve nodded. Now it could be termed a light breeze.

“Then you should trust me.” Ani held out a hand and Eve put hers into Ani’s grasp. Trust…okay. She would give that a try.

Ani’s boots had to be fitted with Yak Trax or something similar, because she didn’t hesitate finding footing. A few shaky steps out onto the ice, however, Eve slipped. Her yelp of surprise was cut short by the firm grasp of Ani’s arms, setting her upright again.

“Thanks.”

Tonk loped into sight, gave Eve a look of concern, then settled into step with them. A short distance from the bridge Ani spread out the insulated reflective tarp and Tonk promptly took the middle.

Eve pointed at the dog. “Thermal power source?”

“None better. This is really Tonk Junior. Tonk Senior was a sled dog.”

“I would have thought a Newfie was too big to work in harness. They’re so much larger than Huskies.”

Ani smiled as she settled on the tarp to Tonk’s left. “They are. We weren’t a great team, but it was fun.”

Eve sat down on Tonk’s other side. Well, no etchings in sight, and a dog this size was an effective bundling board. Tonk was unquestionably warm, panting happily, gaze riveted on the little picnic basket. “Can I give him his treat?”

“Sure.”

For a few moments there was just the sound of happy crunching.

“It’s beautiful, you were right about that, too.” Eve pulled her cap down to cover her ears. The breeze blowing down from the glacier head was distinctly chill, but it lacked the true bite of winter. “I don’t know about staying out all night though.”

“Night is technically over in about three hours.”

“True. Okay. Until sunrise.”

Ani spread the blanket over them and the conversation, thankfully, didn’t turn to the latest rock bands or social events in town that Eve had no time to attend, unless she was catering them. Instead, Ani talked quietly about the shimmer of light, how the sharpest reflection came from newly frozen ice, while the older, cloudier surfaces absorbed light. A walk across the glacier’s surface could touch ice that dated back six months to six centuries, to six millennia, or more. Eve’s questions were patiently answered and Ani didn’t seem to think it a non sequitur when Eve brought up the similarities of ice crystals in glacier-making to the creation of ice cream.

After a while they had the graham sandwiches.

“Delicious, thank you. And so simple.”

“If I had time to be fancy I could have added a touch of Grand Marnier or just simple vanilla.” Eve rolled the dates, almonds and chocolate across the surface of her tongue one more time. The graham cracker was the perfect complement, but it was all a bit dry. It could be a recipe worth developing homemade energy bars. Surely she could make them less expensively than the ones from the grocery. She passed Ani an Aquapod. “Or a hint of orange zest.”

“Or a bit of coffee.”

“Oh. That could work.” She broke off a piece of graham cracker. “Is this okay for Tonk?”

“He’s never met a food he couldn’t eat.”

“Chocolate’s bad for dogs, though.” Tonk lifted the graham cracker from Eve’s hand with a swipe of the tongue. She mopped her fingers on her jeans.

“He’ll eat it. He’ll eat stuff five days dead, too. And give it back to me later.”

“Pleasant.”

Ani ruffled Tonk’s considerable head full of fur. “Woman’s best friend.”

“The lights are getting less pink.”

Ani glanced at her watch. “Halfway to sunrise.”

The whirling pulsation of the lights was mesmerizing. Green streaked toward gold, then both split to let pink and a tinge of orange flow upward.  Eve asked, “Does it all make you feel small?”

“Not really,” Ani answered. “No more than the stars. I’m filled with awe, though. Awe that what they’re made of, what this is made of” She gestured at the expanse of the glacier’s surface. “It’s what we’re made of.”

“So if this glacier is moving at three feet a year, and it started at Mt. McKinley…a hundred miles or so?”

“Not by the route the glacier takes, but close enough.”

Thinking hard, Eve murmured, “Three feet a year, a hundred miles, so”

“A hundred and seventy thousand yards from here to the terminus, give or take.”

“So, a hundred and seventy thousand years for this patch of ice to reach here.”

“Well not this patch. The surface of the glacier is largely static. The flow is deeper down.”

Eve nodded. “That’s…awe-inspiring, you’re right.”

“And if we were able to drill down the mile depth of this glacier we would find remnants of plants and animals we’ve never seen before.”

“Is that why when that huge crevasse opened a while back it was such a big deal?”

“Sure. Nature made studying the stratigraphy of the glacier easy. When we need to, we open it up with explosives. That takes time, money and know-how. My father did that. He was very good at small charges to encourage natural sheeting and big charges for avalanche control on the ice fields above populated areas.”

“Kind of like those demolitions people who can cave-in a building in place.”

“Yeah experts at things that go boom.”

Eve traced the slow rise of a shimmering eerie green as it arched over the other lights. The yellows had changed from lemon to buttercup. The tip of her nose was getting numb. “How about the hot chocolate now?”

“Cold already?”

A quick glance across Tonk’s expansive back revealed an indulgent smile. Ani didn’t look like she felt the cold at all. “Yes, ’fraid so. Most people would be.”

“True. Don’t worry, I’m not some macho idiot who thinks cold like this is mind over matter. My genes go back a thousand years in Siberia. I’ll feel it, just not quite as fast.”

“It’s a mild night, actually. I’m a bit of a wimp,” Eve admitted. She poured steaming cocoa into the Thermos lid. “I forgot to bring mugs. We’ll have to share.”

“Not a problem.” Ani took the cup and sipped with an appreciative noise. “And nobody who lives in Fairbanks is a wimp. Juneau, a mere twenty below for a record freeze when that’s our average winter temp I think that makes them the wimps.”

“Hey,” Eve said in mock outrage. “I was born in Juneau. Don’t you dare say that proves your point, either.”

“I wouldn’t, not when you can make hot chocolate that tastes like this.”

“It’s the dash of Irish cream.” They finished the hot chocolate over the next little while, remarking on the change in the lights as sunrise grew nearer. The pink and red tones went fuchsia, then winked out, while the greens did a slow fade into the lightening dawn sky.

Tawny yellows were all that was left when Eve said, “My rear end is going numb.” She startled the sleeping Tonk by getting up. She had to laugh at herself. “My thighs went to sleep.”

Tonk joined her in jumping up and down, finding it a great game. This is glamorous, Eve thought, as she lurched from side to side in an attempt to wake up her nerves. The pins and needles started and she couldn’t help but giggle.

She was vigorously rubbing the insides of her thighs when Ani said, “Do you need help with that?”

“Keep your distance,” Eve warned, but her attempt at a stern front was undercut by a gasping laugh. “Don’t you dare.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”

Eve surprised herself by impulsively asking, “Are you getting over someone?”

Ani looked surprised. “No.”

“Good.” Eve vigorously rubbed her thighs.

“Why do you ask?”

“Been there, done that, that’s all.” Ani still looked inquiring. “My last girlfriend, not quite two years ago, left me for her ex, who had broken up with the woman my ex got dumped for.”

“Ouch.” Ani waved a hand at Eve. “You’re kind of fun to watch. A sort of modern dance.”

“At least I’m warming up.”

Tonk, ready to play, let out a bellow when Ani got up. “Is it a twist like this?”

Ani’s contortions were comic and Eve truly hoped she didn’t look that clumsy. As soon as her thigh muscles cooperated she turned her own gyrations into a bona fide Twist, the only dance she knew. Ani caught on right away and they moved closer together.

“Come on, baby,” Ani sang in a soft, clear tone, “and go like this.” She held out her hand and Eve didn’t hesitate, twirling in close, then spinning back to where she’d started.

This is crazy, she thought, dancing on a glacier at three o’clock in the morning. Crazy and alive.  All work, no play, had made Eve a dull girl.

Tonk’s hard nudge into Eve’s hip brought her back to the present and she sighed and scratched behind his ears.

She petted the furry head and looked north at the boiling green and gold lights. The pink had already faded for the night. Nature’s fireworks would be over in just a few more hours and she wasn’t going to linger any longer, reluctantly realizing, once again, that since Ani had left she’d gone back to dull girl Eve. She knew how to laugh, she knew how to have fun. Life was a good table wine, basic and reliable. She allowed a brief relapse into bitterness. Thanks to Ani, she knew that wasn’t all there could be.

She brushed her teeth and slipped into an old T-shirt and equally soft sleep pants. New restaurant, old business finally closed…it was time to live again. She snuggled into bed with the familiar sound of Tonk similarly settling down. When she closed her eyes the northern lights played across her mental sky, and in the distance she could still hear music, and part of her was still dancing, round and round.

Chapter 3

“Two Conch Indies, four lime margaritas, Stoli on the rocks and an Amaretto with orange juice.” Lisa leaned wearily into the bar. “One more hour. I’m so tired, but I swear it’ll be worse to go outside. Maybe we can sleep here.”

“Tempting, isn’t it? I’m all but sleeping in the bathtub with the fan blowing on me.” A heat wave had hit the already muggy summer, and the last two days had been scorching. Ani’s own nightly bathtub soaks were the only way she was getting decent sleep.

“I’m envious. All I have is a not-so-effective shower. I must have rinsed off six times last night. I’m glad to be working here right now, even if the freezer units are having a hard time keeping the tables right.”

As welcome as the cold temperatures were in the club, this environment was artificial far too dry, and the ice varied too much in texture day-to-day to feel like anything but the inside of a freezer. The tourists loved it, and so did some of the locals, but that didn’t make it like home. Ani wasn’t sure she really remembered what cold meant. She was about to express her opinion of the weather with a choice expletive when a table on the far side of the dance floor crashed onto its side. Ani peered toward the incident it took quite a hit to move one of these tables. There didn’t seem to be a fight, so she locked the register and went to help the ice groomer.

Halfway across the long room she realized that the ice under her feet was too soft. The tables were too shiny several had some standing water on their surface. Crap. That meant the freezer units were off, and more tables were going to topple as guests started losing their footing. Visions of lawsuits danced in her head. At least there wasn’t the risk of broken glass. It wasn’t just novelty that made them use nothing but barware made from ice, it was practicality. Broken glass on ice floors was invisible, and the floors couldn’t be vacuumed, they were groomed with something like a small Zamboni.

The bouncer, who wore the same kind of cleated boots that Ani preferred, began lending an arm to patrons as they cleared the club. Tabs underway were forgiven, and tokens to waive the cover charge for another night were handed out. The main doors were opened to let out the crowd more quickly, but the rush of sweltering humid air only added to the dripping walls and slippery floors.

“Okay, kids,” the assistant manager announced, holding to a pole to keep from falling. “We have a major meltdown in two units. I already had my orders from the kahunas at corporate that next time it happened to go ahead and replace them with the more efficient models. Plus we’re going to do a complete melt and clean out, refloor the dance area and redecorate.”

“How long is that going to take?” Lisa was wringing her hands.

“Ten days to two weeks. Sorry nothing I can do about it. We’re an ice bar and we got no ice.”

Ani heaved a stoic sigh. They’d had an outage last year that had lasted a week. Fortunately, she had the savings to tide her over.

Lisa, as they walked out the back corridor together, was far more concerned. “Great. No job for ten days maybe two weeks? I was just starting to get on my feet. TBE stuck me with the cell phone contract and I had to buy a car because my name wasn’t on the registration even though I paid for half.”

Over the last ten days, Ani had heard all about the financial situation left from “The Bitch Ex.” She tried to be encouraging. “Maybe it won’t be that bad.”

Lisa was almost in tears. “I can’t go two weeks without a paycheck, and I’m not going back to dancing. This is what I get for not having a nest egg. TBE took my nest egg!”

“Dancing?” It was the first Ani had heard of it. Given Lisa’s graceful voluptuousness, the word exotic immediately sprang to mind.

“Not really. More like Lap Sitting and Grinding at that dump near the airport.” Lisa ran her hands through her already wild hair. “What am I going to do?”

“Come on,” Ani said. “Let’s go find something to eat.”

“Nothing’s open but the after-hours clubs,” Lisa predicted.

She turned out to be right, so Ani offered the meager contents of her kitchen and full use of the bathtub, the offer of which vastly improved Lisa’s mood. Lisa proved herself imaginative by making thick instant coffee, adding slugs of chocolate syrup and pouring it all over tall glasses of ice. She didn’t waste any time filling the tub with cold water, stripping down and climbing in. She wasn’t exactly shy in the process.

“Oh, stop averting your eyes.” She flicked water in Ani’s direction. “You had your chance. The least you could do is leer a little. I need an ego boost.” She leaned back in the tub, eyes closed as she sipped her iced coffee.

Ani sat on the commode and had to admit that nothing was wrong with Lisa’s body, and a great deal was right. Yet she couldn’t even conjure up a fantasy. Still, there was nothing wrong with flattery. “Okay, I’m leering.”

Lisa opened one eye. “You are not.”

“I’m trying.” If she had a tail, she’d have wagged it for emphasis.

“You are frigid, aren’t you?”

“I’ve been trying to tell you that.”

“How come you’re not freaked about no work for two weeks?”

“I have something put away for a rainy day. I’m Russian on both sides. We believe that life is meant to be a worst-case scenario, and we plan accordingly.” Given her simple life, she lived off her cash tips and banked her paychecks. She sipped the iced concoction, then went to find some coffee liqueur. After doctoring both their glasses, she settled back on her perch and contemplated the next two weeks. She’d only known Lisa a short while, and it wasn’t saying much for her social skills that Lisa was currently her best friend. She had liked it that way, she reminded herself, prided herself on it, in fact. “I could loan you some money.”

“That’s sweet, but then I’d just owe you money. I’m trying to get out of debt, not deeper in it.”

“Better me than the telephone company.”

Lisa sighed. “Thank you. I don’t mean to sound ungracious. It’s just that I thought I’d hit an easy patch for once. Here I was working with a bartender who put out great drinks faster than a speeding bullet, and scooping up all the tips I could handle without getting handled.” She opened her eyes and leaned out of the tub to put her glass on the floor.

“Leer,” Ani said, legs crossed in front of her. “Boobages, backside leer.”

“Oh. Stop. I’m blushing. You’re too kind.” Lisa gave her the patented drop dead glare as she rested her chin on the side of the tub. “What’s that?”

Too late, Ani saw the folded page of the Fairbanks Gazette where she’d last left it, on the short stack of clean towels. “Nothing.”

Lisa moved faster than she did. “I knew it! It’s that photo you said you didn’t know that professor.”

“No, I didn’t. I said that I hadn’t slept with her which is what you meant by asking if I had studied under her.”

“But you know her.”

“She was my doctoral advisor.”

“Cool. Why couldn’t you just say so? Did you have a thing for her?”

“I admired her, but that’s as far as it went.” She dipped a washcloth into the bathtub, and drenched her neck in cold water. It helped with the heat a little.

Lisa glanced up from the photo. “You had a crush on her.”

“Maybe at first. Everybody does, even the guys and they know she’s gay.” Ani tried for a nonchalant shrug.

“So? Oh…”

“Oh, what?”

“It’s not her. It’s the other woman. Eve Cambra. Who is short but very cute, I might add.”

Hearing someone else say Eve’s name sent a sharp jolt through Ani’s chest. All she could do was nod.

“You left because you broke her heart.”

“I broke everybody’s heart, including my own. I really don’t want to talk about it.”

“You don’t have to.” Lisa peered more closely at the photograph. “Were you two together, or just dating, or what?”

“I said I didn’t want to talk about it.”

“You’re not talking about it, I am.”

“None of it matters. They’ve moved on and Monica Tyndell is exactly the kind of woman that Eve deserves.”

Lisa gave her another of those quick glances that Ani was beginning to suspect were sharper than lasers. “You loved her to distraction, you made some kind of mistake, so you’re giving up on that?”

“I gave up three years ago.”

“You’re still giving up. Some Russian you are. Sounds like you didn’t plan ahead for something. I don’t know what you think you did, but it couldn’t have been that bad. You don’t strike me as a quitter.”

“I didn’t quit. You have no idea what academics are like when…I had to leave.” Ani ground her teeth. “Remember the part where I said I didn’t want to talk about it?”

“Vaguely.” Lisa put down the paper. “So are you like an identity thief, a dope dealer, or did you slap her around a little, or what?”

“It was nothing like that. And if I had any honor, I’d go back for my crap that’s probably still sitting in her garage. I’d get my stuff and my dog and go live in Kaktovik.” At Lisa’s arched eyebrow, she added sourly, “Think of the worst freakin’ cold armpit of the known universe and that’s a step up from Kaktovik.”

“Kak-whatever. I mean, come on.” She rested her head on her arms along the side of the tub. “You broke her heart, and she’s taking care of your dog and still has your stuff in her garage? How lesbian is that?”

Put that way, it sounded like ordinary dyke drama, but there was so much more to it. Lisa hadn’t a clue what it felt like to have everyone you’d ever respected whispering behind your back, and the people who didn’t like you saying it to your face, and to the newspaper and on blogs. She didn’t understand what it felt like to know people were taking their business away from your girlfriend because of something you’d done. “Well, I assume she has everything. She’s that kind of person. Way too good for me.”

“That doesn’t have to be true, you know. You can do the honorable thing.”

Ani watched as Lisa dipped under the cold water. When she surfaced, Ani asked, “What are you talking about?”

* * *

There was a reason Ani didn’t let people into her life, certainly not people like Lisa, who looked at things like pork rinds and declared them health food and somehow made that sound reasonable. People who heard yes no matter how many times you shouted no. Women like Lisa, whose frustrating leaps of indirect logic somehow made sense at seven a.m. after a mostly sleepless night, while standing in front of an airline ticket counter. They still made sense during the process of removing sandals in the security line, and buying really bad coffee and breakfast bagels. It had all made sense until they reached cruising altitude for the puddle jumper that would take them to Atlanta. That was when an inner voice chanting This is crazy finally got loud enough for Ani to hear over the straining engines.

“This plane is so small I’m guessing our snack is a can of peanuts the captain opens and passes back.” She felt like sulking, even though she knew it really hadn’t been Lisa’s idea. Ever since she’d seen that picture she’d known she had to go home. It was over, time to get her stuff and get out. Two weeks with no work how much more of a sign did she need? Who cared now if people pointed and whispered and thought she’d masterminded a reckless academic crime? Her dreams of being all that her father had been, plus having an academic degree, of proving his legacy had value by becoming Doctor Bycall, were done. Monica Tyndell’s belief in her was over. Eve’s faith had been wasted, and they’d moved on. She’d move on, like she’d always known she would. The only difference was she’d have the support of an unlikely friend. “I bet we don’t even get a movie on the Atlanta to Seattle leg.”

Lisa shifted in the narrow seat as she pulled a thin sweater over her head. “It was nice of you to offer to bring me along, but that doesn’t mean you get to whine the whole time.”

“All I need you to do is look like my hot blond girlfriend, and tell everybody I’m a rich bar owner now, or something.” This is a crazy idea, she told herself. It had sounded so reasonable two hours ago, after a second round of liqueur-doctored iced coffee. They’d scarcely packed anything useful in their bags. Like idiots, they hadn’t gone back to the club to see if they could borrow snowsuits or parkas or high-traction slip-ons for their shoes. Lisa didn’t even own boots and Ani had found that her sub-zero rated jacket, dug out of the back of the closet, had become home to a colony of critters.

They weren’t prepared for Alaska.

“To me, you are rich. After all, your credit card went through, and that was quite a ka-ching.”

Ani shrugged. “I was saving up to go back to school, study something else eventually.”

“As if you think about anything besides rocks and ice.” Lisa sighed. “What else do you want to be when you grow up?”

There was still no hesitation in her. “A glacial geologist. I can’t get past that, but I’m going to have to. What do you want to be when you grow up?”

“The love of somebody’s life.” Lisa turned her head away, but not before Ani caught the sparkle of sudden tears.

“You okay?”

“No, but that’s nothing new. Do you have pictures in your head of your perfect life?”

Standing on top of a wind-sculpted rise on an ice field, at her feet the glory of breathtaking white spread out on one of nature’s largest, most formidable canvasses, the tingle of cold against her eyelashes, and warmth at her back she knew was Eve… Try as she might, Ani couldn’t conjure a big red X to blot it from her mind. Eve and her cooking together in a cozy kitchen, the fire crackling that one wouldn’t go away either. And that one hurt more, because it wasn’t made up, it was a memory, and it came complete with Eve’s laughter and Karrin Alyson on the stereo. “No, no pictures.”

“Liar.”

“Yeah.” She didn’t flinch when Lisa touched the back of her hand with a gesture of sympathy, but honestly, she told herself, it had been three years. She ought to have moved on, she knew that. Even if her one mistake had unfairly cost her everything she wanted, she still should have moved on. Moved on to what well, that was the unanswered question. It was time to start looking for answers.

“How old do you think I am?”

Ani made a show of looking Lisa up and down. “I’m a bartender don’t expect flattery. You’re thirty. Most people would think you’re twenty-seven, maybe twenty-six. I certainly thought you were younger than you are, at first.”

The remnant of tears in Lisa’s eyes was vanquished by her cheeky smile. “I’m thirty-two, oh great bartender. I never wanted lots, not like my folks. My dad upgraded the cars every two years, we were always moving to larger houses. I left home when it was a golf course out the back door. I only ever wanted just enough. The perfect life in my head was an endless curl of surf, a long beach, a bonfire, and it was always today. Never tomorrow.”

“Was? What’s perfection for you now?”

“When what’s-her-name took what little I had and I realized I was going to have to live five or six years, financially, all over again, I knew that I wanted a better tomorrow. Guess that means I have to grow up. Start using my brain. Be a Myra.”

“You could be a little less Lisa, maybe a little more Myra, I guess.” Since Lisa was fond of pointing out her mistakes, Ani added, “A Myra knows better than to pay for half a car and not get her name on the title.”

“I know,” Lisa snapped.

“Besides, that’s not the picture of a perfect life using your brain. That’s just a way to get a life you like.”

“Look what all your brains did for you.”

Stung, Ani said, “I already admitted I messed up my life.” Out of her hurt, she had a new thought. “So I messed up my life. Maybe that’s better than not doing anything with it.”

For a moment Lisa tried to peel Ani with her eyes, but she abruptly blinked and went back to staring out the window where the creamy level floor of cloud cover made it appear they were barely moving. “I deserved that, I guess.”

“You’ve been a bit harsh.”

“I figure if I help you get your life together, I’ll know it can be done, and work on mine.”

 “We’re not getting my life together. I mean… We’re going to get my stuff so Eve can get me out of her life and I can finally start over. Most of my stuff should just go to the dump if it hasn’t already.” There, that sounded reasonable. That was achievable.

“If you say so. Personally, I think you should try to bag the babe again.”

“Eve wants nothing to do with me.”

“You don’t know that.” Lisa huddled into her sweater.

“I was there and you weren’t. Why do you think you know what she felt? Or what I felt?”

 “How do I know? This is going to sound really sappy…” Lisa blew out a long breath and appeared lost in thought.

Ani decided it was a good time to wait. She’d been wrong about Lisa’s age and in the breakneck speed in which they’d become traveling companions, she’d had to revise her opinion about her more than once. Irritating as hell, yes, but not mean. She reminded Ani of Tan Salek, in some ways. They were night and day on the outside. If anything, Tan was a bit of a mother figure, even though she wasn’t old enough. Her sympathetic smile made her comforting to talk to, except when she was frowning over paperwork and especially if that paperwork in some way involved you. Lisa had bounced from job to job, while Tan was contentedly ensconced in a university desk job and had already planned her retirement, two decades in the future. It was something deeper that Tan had in common with Lisa they both listened with more than their ears.

Finally, Lisa continued, “I’ve been in denial that I’ve changed. But it all came together in my head when you looked at the picture. When I said it was Eve you’d cared about, the look on your face I realized I’d give a lot to have someone look like that at the mention of my name.” She twisted a lock of blond hair around her finger. “I can fend for myself, and I always have. I’m not weak. But I would really like to be on someone’s pedestal. To have someone think that the sun can’t rise without me. So here I am, helping you win back the love of your life. I figure if it works for a loser like you” She softened the words with a smile. “It might work for a loser like me.”

Ani was glad of a sudden interruption by the pilot, updating their arrival time into Atlanta. When she answered Lisa, her voice was steady with conviction. “I don’t want to win her back.”

“I don’t believe you,” Lisa said, still without her usual acerbic tone. “And I notice you didn’t deny she’s the love of your life. You’ve never even tried to replace her, Ms. Frigid, have you?”

Ani decided that if Lisa ever took up psychotherapy she’d be truly dangerous. “You don’t understand. I let her down. I let Monica Tyndell down.”

“Did you kill someone’s cat? Drop a baby on its head?”

“No.”

“Then how come an apology and making amends wasn’t enough?”

Ani shook her head. “There wasn’t isn’t any way to make it better. It can’t be undone. It’s like like untelling a secret. You break trust like that, you can’t put the genie back in that bottle.”

Lisa rummaged in her oversized purse and came up with a packet of crackers. Offering some to Ani, she said, “I might be more helpful if I knew what my hot girlfriend, who is a rich bartender, did all those years ago that’s so unforgivable.”

Ani was daunted. The reason she’d run away from Glacier Port was real. But someone who didn’t understand how that world worked wouldn’t understand her actions. Academics were fond of teaching examples of bucking the system, of excellence through maverick ideas and methods, all fine and good, but none of it applied to academia itself, which ran a certain way and stayed that way. Once an academic conviction was reached, changing minds was almost impossible. Lamely, she said, “I don’t know where to begin.”

Lisa rolled her eyes. “Start in the middle and work in both directions. Make it hard on me.”

“You’re incredibly annoying,” Ani said, without heat. She had a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach as she realized that things she’d hoped she’d forgotten were still vividly accessible in her head. 

“That’s why you love me.”

“Dream on.”

Lisa heaved a longsuffering sigh, but she loosened her seatbelt a little and gave Ani all her attention.

It wasn’t hard to talk about the beginning. Describing the northern lights and dancing with Eve was pretty easy. The memories were so sweet.

She had only waited a day to call Eve. After twisting the night away she hadn’t expected to wake up to a brilliant sun of promise and the sincere regret that she’d not kissed Eve when she’d dropped her at home.

In summer, caterers were busy people, and it had been nearly two weeks before Eve had been able to promise time. A daylight picnic was the proposal, and they met at the entrance to the university’s botanical gardens at eleven a.m. Ani had spent the entire morning responding to Dr. Tyndell’s instructions to “Organize this” after she handed over a stack of temperature logs. Normally, it was what she lived for, but more than once she’d realized she was staring out the window of the professor’s office, not even seeing the bayhawks circling their nests.

Waiting at the garden entrance, she tugged nervously at her shorts, worried they were too utilitarian, even if they were clean. Clean clothes were hard to maintain in a dorm. She’d played it safe with a deep blue polo that featured the GlacierPort logo on the breast pocket. There was nothing she could do about her hair. The relaxing shampoo she’d been using for the last two weeks seemed to be helping a little, but it still curled and twisted any way it liked.

She had enough time to worry that maybe the easy conversation and the delight of the unexpected dancing had just been a fluke. Eve couldn’t be that lovely, could she? Surely something about her was flawed she just didn’t want to remember what it was.

When Eve’s hair caught the midday sun as she walked toward her from the parking lot, Ani knew her memory wasn’t false. Eve was that lovely, imperfectly beautiful. In the bright light her shoulder-length hair was a splash of yellow over a collared shirt patterned with blue and green diamonds. In between was the interesting face, and that smile that Ani abruptly realized she’d been yearning to see again. As Eve got closer, Ani remembered that she’d not been able to decide if Eve’s eyes were blue or gray. Now, clearly, they were blue, like the morning sky through wisps of cloud.

“I love peonies,” Eve said, without preamble. “Do you have a favorite place in the garden?”

Ani didn’t want to admit that botanical gardens weren’t exactly her first pick as a hangout. “Not really.”

“Follow me, then. I know a spot that’s usually in the sun.”

It was a typical Fairbanks July day. The temperature was pushing eighty, but the shadows were cool. People were out in droves, and it was easy to tell tourists from residents tourists had tans. Eve was wearing denim crop pants and Ani really liked the way the pale smoothness of Eve’s calves was wrapped with Grecian style straps from her gold sandals. They were the kind of shoes that could only be worn for a month or two out of the year. Ani much preferred her sturdy boots, choosing a pair each day based on the amount of traction she thought she might need on the ice. But that didn’t mean she couldn’t appreciate sexy sandals on another woman. And sexy they were, like the legs they decorated, legs that led to…

“This okay?” Eve gestured at a bench in the sun, facing down the slope of the gardens toward the children’s pond. Beyond that, rows of experimental peonies blazed scarlet in the afternoon sun. 

Ani knew she was blushing. Eve had nearly caught her checking out her ass, and it was a fine asset. “It’s, um, great.”

Eve gave her an amused look. “Why do you look guilty?”

“I’m hungry. I was ogling your picnic basket.”

“You’re worse than Tonk.”

“That hurts,” Ani said in mock pain. “I’ve not slobbered on you.”

Eve didn’t say, “Yet,” but Ani still heard it in the awkward silence that fell between them. She fought down another blush and accepted a half of a wax-paper wrapped sandwich. She couldn’t just blurt out, “I don’t slobber, really!”

The sandwich could have been shoe leather and she’d have said it was good, but she was being completely honest when she said, “You make really good egg salad.”

“I think you just like eggs.” Eve finished her half sandwich and reached for the bag of homemade cereal mix and nuts.

Ani licked her fingers. “What makes you say that?”

“It was my deviled eggs that brought us together.”

Ani didn’t care that she blushed again. Together sounded nice. Eve looked a little surprised at her choice of words, but she didn’t amend it. She handed Ani the baggie of nuts and savory seasoned cereal. 

“I like this, too.” Ani fished out a couple of cashews and wheat cereal squares.

“Thank you. And I thought I’d have to break out my killer lemon bars to impress you.”

“You have killer lemon bars in that basket?” Ani made a show of peering, but Eve slammed the lid shut.

“Maybe. If you behave.”

Not sure where she got the boldness from, Ani asked, “Are you sure you want me to behave?”

Eve didn’t exactly blush, but her cheeks took on a hint of pink. “I’m not sure.” This time she did say, “Yet.”

Ani thought it wise to look out across the pond, else Eve might have seen the glee she was certain showed in her eyes. Her heart felt tight and she couldn’t breathe without feeling like something inside would burst. Nothing in all the serious flirtations and light-hearted bedroom encounters of her past had been anything like the tingle that was making her palms itch.

They finished the contents of the basket and kept to safe subjects. The lemon bars were indeed killer. Eve explained about curd and butter, and it all tasted like ambrosia to Ani. Her father and she hadn’t spent a lot of time on culinary niceties, but her palate knew the difference between store-bought goods and the melt-in-her-mouth pastry Eve had made.

When Eve asked how her summer studies were progressing, Ani was happy to explain. “I’m already doing basic research formation putting data into charts. Sorting through journey notes. Professor Tyndell spent most of her sabbatical on the glacier. If she can finish her article in time, she’ll scoop the Greenland researchers Kenbrink and his crew. They’re all going on a joint expedition next May, but even so, there’s a lot of research grant money at stake. I might get to go, though there’s a couple of grads ahead of me, seniority-wise.” The professor had said that Ani was so savvy about ice conditions she’d likely be an unexpected asset.

Eve crossed her legs and the sun glinting on those really cute sandals temporarily derailed Ani’s train of thought. “What’s she really like? I’m not even affiliated with the university, but I know full well who she is.”

“Monica, Professor Tyndell, is really very nice. Busy, of course, so you have to wait for her attention, but very nice.” It wasn’t as if she had a shoe fetish maybe it was the pale pink polish on Eve’s toenails that was so alluring. “Very nice.”

“Oh, so she’s nice.” Eve was grinning at her. “She does seem to have charisma for days.”

“That’s for sure. She gets everybody to agree with her because she’s not only right, she’s persuasive, even when people don’t want to agree because they’re stubborn.”

“The politics must be intense.”

Ani nodded. “It’s my least favorite part. There should be enough research money to go around. It’s kind of crazy the way everyone competes to get their data out and publish papers.”

Eve flexed her calves. “Well, if academia is anything like weddings…”

Ani laughed. “What do you mean?”

“Well, no matter the budget, it’s never enough. Like the budget not being enough for a five-layer cake, so grandparents come up with enough for that, but suddenly only a seven-layer cake will be right.” Eve shrugged. “There’ll never be enough money when people are passionate about what they’re buying with it.”

“You could be right.” Ani finished her bottle of water. “Would you like to walk around?”

“Sure.” Eve picked up the picnic basket and Ani promptly took it from her. They walked down the slope toward the children’s play area. The sun soaked through Ani’s polo shirt, but she was pretty sure that wasn’t why she felt so warm.

Ani had just asked Eve if she kept a greenhouse for herbs when she heard her name called. She glanced over her shoulder.

“Anidyr! What brings you here?”

Monica Tyndell was taller than most women, but she still wasn’t quite Ani’s height. Sleek and blonde, she looked very much like the Swedish ancestry she claimed from both parents. Ani smiled a greeting, then introduced the professor to Eve.

“We’ve met, haven’t we?” Monica shook hands with Eve and Ani realized she very much wanted Monica to like Eve. 

“I’ve catered a number of university functions,” Eve explained.

“Oh, of course. That must be how you met Anidyr.”

Eve fell silent, looking shy, and Ani couldn’t blame her. Monica had…something. Most of the people who worked on the ice had a look a suntan demarcated by a T-shirt collar, goggle lines, skin like leather and short hair that was a bit crisp and dry. Monica was pure pin-up by comparison, but she didn’t dress like a beauty queen. No cleavage or fluttery lashes and earrings. She exuded competence and confidence, very female in flannel or wool, or, as she was today, in shorts and a polo much like Ani’s.

“Catering must be successful, because I seem to recall you doing it for a number of years.”

Eve made an answer, but Ani didn’t follow it. Instead, she was recalling the first time she’d heard Professor Tyndell talk about global warming. The local public television panel had been blown away she’d easily overshadowed a local politician wannabee arguing that global warming wasn’t real, who used cleavage and big hair as her credentials to talk about creationism. Ani saw the miracle of the region every day, and felt she was properly appreciative of God’s design, but that didn’t mean she thought the earth was only a few thousand years old.

Not scathing, not rude, Monica had said, “If the crucial balance of nature’s magnificence is purely God’s work, then global warming is purely the Devil’s influence. Every inch of preventable damage to our retreating glaciers should be an affront to anyone who loves what God has made for us.” And by golly, by the end of the program the airhead agreed that maybe, just maybe, human activity was contributing to climate change.

“She knows so much about the ice it’s intimidating.”

Ani belatedly realized that Eve and Monica had turned to include her in their comments. She glanced at the grad assistant she now realized had been walking in the garden with the professor. Shannon something Ani couldn’t remember the woman’s name, but knew she was in the midst of writing her dissertation was walking with her gaze on her own feet.

“I think her tips have given me some ideas on how to make better ice cream,” Eve said.  “I didn’t realize how much of a temperature difference there is between the melt of quick-frozen and slow-frozen ice. If two degrees makes a difference to an entire climate, it’s bound to make a difference in my little ice cream freezer.”

Ani knew she was blushing. She always felt sort of flushed around Monica, but then everybody did. Shannon whatever-her-name-was looked a bit red, too. It was doubly bad to have Eve looking at her as well.

“Is that how you sweet talk a date, Ani?” Monica laughed and fondly touched Ani’s arm.

Ani hadn’t thought she could get redder, but she could feel the heat rising from her cheeks. Still, she was oddly pleased that Monica recognized Eve and she were probably dating. The gay community in Fairbanks was pretty darned small and Monica’s casualness about her own sexuality made it easier on all of them.

“Well, I don’t know anything about making deviled eggs.”

“Play to your strengths,” Monica said. She gestured at Shannon as an indication of changing the subject. “Shannon’s undergrad work was in arctic organics, and she has a plot of experimental herbs we were going to check out.”

“Outside a greenhouse?” Eve looked intrigued. “I thought chickweed was pretty much it.”

Shannon came to life. “It’s a variation of celeriac.” She gave Monica a slightly apologetic look as she corrected, “A hardy tuber, not an herb. If it can survive winter here, it would be good for most of the region.”

Eve’s eyes were an even lighter blue and her smile broad as she and Shannon debated the reliability of tubers. Ani trailed along after them, not sure what to say to Monica, who seemed to be listening to their conversation.

She couldn’t look away from Eve’s curves and the bouncy way she walked, full of energy. Shannon plodded, by comparison. Okay, Ani admitted, the physical attraction to Eve was there. She’d lusted before and most of the time never did anything about it. There was something else with Eve, and she wasn’t sure how to even describe it, but she did know that when Eve said something that made Ani laugh, it felt like a kiss, but on the inside. Scary, but she didn’t mind that kind of fear. It was like rappelling out of a helicopter to a glacial camp. Heart rate accelerated, wariness of getting hurt, but a smile on her face that wouldn’t quit.

Monica waved them off with, “I’m sure you two have better things to do.”

Ani stole a glance at Eve, who looked composed, but maybe, around the edges, a bit pleased.

They made their way to the parking lot, swinging the empty picnic basket between them.

Eve sounded gratifyingly reluctant as she said, “I have an event tonight, so I really have to go now. Just a party, but they want hot hors d’oeuvres, which makes timing a huge deal.”

“Can I help? I’m okay on my work. It’s not like I keep regular hours yet. I’m just helping out.”

Eve hesitated. “I’d love that, believe me, but my license requires me to only have helpers in the kitchen who have done the state health screening. I’m a stickler about it.”

“Oh I understand that. It makes sense.”  Ani couldn’t help the disappointment in her voice. “When are you next free? We’ve done middle of the day and middle of the night. How about something more traditionally evening time?”

“That sounds a lot like you’re asking me out on a real date.”

“This wasn’t a real date?” Ani stooped slightly to better read Eve’s expression. “There were flowers. And the first date we had special lighting and dancing.”

“Oh, you’re right.” Eve sighed. Ani realized she loved the way Eve looked up at her through her lashes, manipulatively feminine but patently obvious about it. “Well, if that’s all…”

“Would this make it a real date?” Awed by her courage even though she was certain this was what Eve wanted, she ducked her head and kissed Eve softly on the lips.

“Yes,” Eve breathed. “That’s exactly what I had in mind.”

Ani was no fool, and she wasn’t made of ice either, so she kissed Eve again. Eve was so incredibly soft, every bit of her.  Little kisses, exploring the corners of Eve’s mouth, longer kisses, trying to give away something of herself but not sure what. Eager kisses, and little giggles when their noses bumped. Eve’s lashes fluttered against Ani’s cheek, and they shared a gasp of air between them. Ani’s stomach did flip-flops and the tingle didn’t stop. Eve sighed against her and Ani hid her eyes, certain that if she met Eve’s gaze it would melt what was left of her bones.

“Sunday night,” Eve breathed. She cleared her throat. “I’m free Sunday night. For another date.”

Ani struggled to steady her voice. She wanted to sound like she was in control. Eve didn’t seem very experienced, even though she was older, and that made two of them. It seemed important to be casual and confident. “Sunday night it is. Do you like the Red Moose?”

“Actually…” Eve gave Ani a shy look. “I’d love to make dinner for you.”

Ani’s knees felt as if they’d buckle any minute. Eve was so warm, and so pliable, and they fit perfectly for kissing, and most of Ani wanted to go back to kissing. What was left of her brain was equally divided between imagining how they’d fit horizontally, and focusing on the conversation. She managed, “That would be great.”

“Six o’clock?”

“Sure. Can I bring something? A couple of steaks? Trout?”

“A nice red wine? Or bread from Benneton’s?”

“Oh my pleasure. I’ll take any excuse to go in there. It smells heavenly. And I’ll bring wine too.”

“Okay.”

“Okay,” Ani echoed.

Neither of them had made a move to separate, so it had seemed like the only right thing to do was to kiss her again. If the first kisses had been melting, the second round was intoxicating…

The touchdown of airplane wheels on the runway brought Ani back to the present. Everything with Eve had been so easy. So mutual. She missed that. She missed Eve. Of course she hadn’t tried to replace her, and she didn’t care if it was unhealthy. Eve was…they had been…perfect for each other.

“All in all,” Lisa said as she yanked her carry-on out of the overhead bin, “you haven’t told me anything I didn’t already know. I already knew you loved her. I haven’t a clue why you’re slinging drinks in Key West.”

“Well, it’s a tragedy,” Ani said, trying for a philosophical tone. She followed Lisa down the narrow stairs to the asphalt. If Key West had been stewing in the heat, Atlanta was baking. They quickly made their way into the commuter terminal. “In a tragedy you get the good parts first.”

“So next I get the sad part and coffee, right?”

For a moment Ani was disoriented. She didn’t know why she was in another airport, with stale air and plants that never changed. Home was so real she could smell the cedar, but a waft of frying oil from the food court washed it all away. It was all a memory, and just as easily lost under the weight of the real world.

Lisa paused, looking over her shoulder. “C’mon you. It’s forward or backward now. We can’t stay here.”

Chapter 4

“I want it to be a proper shepherd’s pie.” Eve dropped the cooking spray back into its slot alongside the cooktop. “Anyone can sling veggies and meat chunks into a crock and cover it with mashed potatoes. Good gravy is the real key. It’s what makes you feel like you can’t make it yourself. It’s what sticks to your ribs when it’s twenty below.”

Neeka watched as Eve whisked in a slurry of flour and cold water left from boiling potatoes, her face a study in concentration. “I’ve only made gravy from base. Industrial, in five-gallon pots.”

Eve grinned at her. “This is going to taste a whole lot better, and the potato water is going to bind with the other thickeners so it won’t separate and get greasy. We can refrigerate a batch and use it for up to forty-eight hours, thinning it slightly each time we reheat a portion of it. Caterers don’t get to do much of this kind of cooking, but I love it.”

A quick study, Neeka followed directions to build the gravy from scratch. Her experience had been in supervising the correctional facility kitchen, then the university student union. When she’d walked into the Dragonfly for an interview, Eve hadn’t needed to see her resume to know her work experience—the stain proof polyester pantsuit had said it all. She was pleased that the suits had given way to more comfortable trousers and blouses, very flattering to the matronly figure. Neeka understood time pressure and the importance of all the kitchen workers doing their part. But the production of food on an industrial scale had stunted her originality. Their recipe conference was one of Eve’s favorite parts of the week. She could go on, just like this, very happy and for a long time.

“I know fresh veg is better, but seems like a good gravy might let you get by with some frozen in a pinch.”

Eve nodded. “You’re right. Come dead of winter and all we’ve got is fresh carrots, we’ll need instant potatoes to extend the fresh ones, so frozen corn and broccoli is the answer. We might have to do mixed meats—little steak, little ground, little ham—January is never a time of plenty.”

“I see that, boss.”

Eve looked up as a shadow fell across the kitchen’s back door. She expected the dishwasher but it was Neeka’s son. Tall and lanky, his outline was unmistakable. For just a moment, though, Eve thought it was someone else. Tall, all legs and arms, thin face and short, wildly curly hair…someone else. “Pelle’s here.”

Neeka glanced at her youngest and said, “I don’t have any money to spare today.”

“It’s okay, Mom.” He bobbed his head. “Thought I’d tell you I got a job, next two months. I can pay you back the rest for my car by the end. That Mr. Russ you sent me to. If I like it, he might keep me on. Organic gardening is a lot to learn, though.”

Eve watched in amazement as Neeka turned back to the gravy, her face flaming with color. “I hope you thanked Mr. Russ.”

“I did.” Pelle bobbed his head some more.

Her suspicions aroused, Eve decided asking any questions wasn’t a good idea in front of Pelle. She said, “Seems to me that a gainfully employed man could use a piece of pie.” Neeka had often complained Pelle had hollow legs. “I’ve got a piece that’s not pretty enough to serve.”

Eve got a highly approving grunt for the slice of pie. With Pelle out of earshot at the far end of the dining room counter, Eve returned to the kitchen. Maybe Neeka’s flattering clothes weren’t all just for comfort.

“So… that’s nice. Pelle working for one of our suppliers. You can keep tabs on him.”

“Uh-huh. That was the idea. I don’t want him going the way of his father.”

“John Russ strikes me as a straight shooter. Good people.”

Neeka flushed again. “Yes, he’s a fine man.”

Barely concealing a smile, Eve said, “We’ve been getting such great service lately, too. Advance notice on what’s coming in season, the pick of the peaches…”

“Uh-huh.”

Eve left it there. Neeka’s husband had died some four or five years ago from a crystal meth overdose. Well before Ani left, Eve thought. It would be great if romance had found Neeka again. And high time, that nagging inner voice added, that you do the same. Waiting until next summer is just more denial. You’ve been hiding in a cave, waiting for…waiting for what, exactly? To find out it was all a mistake? Didn’t matter—Ani had run away rather than talk. She had thought Ani had loved her, but without trust how could there be love?

She and Neeka worked well as a team to assemble a dozen pies, ready for baking. The dishwasher finally checked in and tackled the stacks the morning dish dude hadn’t finished. Eve took a break herself, carrying a fresh cup of coffee and a stack of produce and meat receipts to the dining room counter. Pelle finished his pie and mumbled thanks on his way to the kitchen, empty plate in hand. Without being prompted he rinsed it and set it in the wash tub. An exceptional teenager, she decided.

Her coffee went cold after she realized that some of the paintings from the university art collective were dusty. Working quickly, before there were any additional customers, she whisked a cloth around their edges, lined them up, and made sure the cards giving the artist’s name and the price were neatly displayed. Art on consignment was free décor, and she’d been able to avoid the usual Alaskiana vistas of moose feeding in forests, or blue on white stretches of ice floes. Instead, she’d said she’d display any art that used in some way the iridescent hues of dragonflies. The students had been so grateful for a chance to display their work—let alone sell it—that some had banded together to paint a wall-length mural of a summer meadow to show off their work. Hidden in the mural were at least six dragonflies. More than one bored and cranky toddler had been distracted when told there was ice cream if they found them all.

Satisfied the dining room looked homey and fresh, and loving the comforting aromas that were flowing out of the kitchen, she settled down with her coffee and receipts again. Fifteen minutes of respite left her feeling clearheaded and ready for the evening. It was getting on toward five. She changed the greeting sign from Seat Yourself to Be Right With You. Menus wiped down and stacked, she was gratified when friendly chat and a recommendation of the hot-from-the-oven shepherd’s pie had half of them sold before the Friday dinner rush began in earnest. The Dragonfly was only open for dinner on Fridays and Saturdays, when profits from wine and beer would pay for a chunk of her overhead. A steady year-round breakfast and lunch trade would hopefully see her cash flow the rest of the way through.

She was just to the point of being too busy supporting Neeka in the kitchen, uncapping bottles of beer and waiting tables when the part-time waitress arrived. She was a college girl who went by Saffron, and was good with the customers, even the soldiers from Fort Wainwright. Eve had initially worried the peace symbol tattooed on Saffron’s arm would incite some unpleasantness, but Saffron insisted she had nothing against soldiers, just war. She’d worked at a chain place, but had adapted to actually writing orders down with a pencil instead of punching them into a computer. It was always a relief when Saffron arrived—another reason Eve felt blessed in her business, so far.

The entire restaurant got into its dinner service groove and Eve relaxed. So far she had enough income to pay enough staff so she wasn’t working her fingers to the bone. December and January would be another matter.

“Hey, partner.”

Eve turned from restacking menus to find Monica leaning against the counter. She always looked as if she’d just come from the invigorating beauty regimen known as the Great Outdoors. A dust of her hands, a flick of her hair and she was fit for dinner with royalty. With her was another prof from the university, familiar from AIDS breakfasts and breast cancer walks.

“Welcome, partner. Dinner for two?”

“Absolutely.”

The other woman, an attractive brunette somewhere in her late thirties—whose name escaped Eve—said, “What is that heavenly aroma?”

Even though Monica had not shown any doubt that her investment was safe, Eve was eager to show off. She explained about the homemade shepherd’s pie, offered wine and was surprised at how friendly the woman was. She’d had the distinct impression from numerous catering jobs that her name was presumed to be “The Caterer.” But you’re not a caterer anymore, she told herself, now you’re a restaurateur.  You’ve come up in the world.

She plainly heard, in a memory from at least three years ago, Ani saying about her ambitions to have a Bycall accepted by the university, “It’s our obligation to better ourselves, don’t you know? That way there’s less chance they’ll hurt themselves looking all that way down their noses.” They’d had that in common, the awareness that working in Fairbanks meant revolving around the social strata of the university and GlacierPort. It was there that people could afford to hire a caterer. The folks at Fort Wainwright, near home, used the mess services.

Smirking at the recollection of Ani’s remark, Eve spent the next few minutes trying to remember when it was Ani had said that. Early on, but not that first night. She vividly remembered running into Monica at the botanical gardens, and it hadn’t been then. She’d been a little put off by how much Ani quoted Monica, but Monica was Monica. Then there’d been that kiss…

“Join us for a few?” Monica scooted over to make room as Eve delivered two glasses of red wine.

Feeling as if she didn’t really have a choice, Eve perched on the edge of the booth cushion. “This red is an Oregon varietal. Very drinkable without being overpowering.”

The brunette sipped and made a sound of appreciation. “How has business been? Monica said you opened back in March?”

“Just before the end of mud season, yes. Business has been great. The location is good, and breakfast has been especially brisk. Santa-shaped pancakes—I have a chef who can make a thousand of ’em an hour.”

“What else do you expect in North Pole, Alaska?”

Eve wished in the worst way she could remember the woman’s name.  Had Monica brought her along to fix them up? A muffled crash from the kitchen saved the day. “Oops! I think I’m needed.”

She lingered in the kitchen to help Neeka recover from a tray of dropped garlic toast, and with the arrival of a large party—all of whom looked as if one beer would not be enough, thank the brew gods—she was kept busy for the next half hour.

She’d just finished pushing six more shepherd’s pies under the broiler when Monica appeared. With a charming pout, she said, “I was hoping you could chat a little more with Suzy and me.”

Suzy, okay, Eve thought. “Sorry, it got really busy.”

“We could see that.” Monica paused, looking as if she wasn’t sure if she should go on. She finally said, “I might as well be honest. Suzy is a bit of a foodie and I thought you might hit it off.”

Eve carefully did not say, “And that wasn’t true last year or the year before?” Instead, she said diplomatically, “That’s very sweet, and maybe you’re right, but this year is going to be very intense.”

“I worry about you, is all.”

“I’m fine, Monica.”

“It’s been three years.”

Eve couldn’t have said why she pretended not to understand. “Since when?”

Monica touched her hand. “Brave soul. I feel guilty, I guess. If I hadn’t vented…I should have known she’d interpret what I said the way she did. She was too young. I really do believe she did it to help me, not because, well, not what other people said. Especially about her father, people saying he was a communist.”

Eve didn’t want to think about the ugly rumors surrounding Ani’s motives. “It’s okay, Monica. Ancient history. I really am too wrapped up with the Dragonfly to think about dating. If I change my mind, you’ll be the first to know.”

“Okay. Hope the rest of your night goes well.” She waved an elegant hand and returned to the dining room.

Three years, Eve mulled. Maybe that was why Ani was in her head. A kind of an anniversary, maybe. Driving home after a satisfactorily busy night, and too aware that it all started over again far too early in the morning, she remembered that she’d made shepherd’s pie for Ani the first time she’d come over for dinner. God, she’d been nervous. Nervous to pieces about this gorgeous young woman, very smart but way too young for her. Ani would point out that six years wasn’t that much of a difference, and she was right—if they were both in their forties. But she had been twenty-six while Eve was thirty-two. Ani had so many crossroads ahead of her while Eve had already made a lot of her big choices.

“Why are you living in Fairbanks if your family is from Juneau?” Ani had asked her that night. After dutifully handing over a bottle of wine and loaf of bread, Ani had accepted the task of slicing mushrooms.

“I followed a guy. I was young and stupid.”

“A guy?”

“I already said I was young and stupid. Todd convinced me to drop out of culinary school and come make a fortune cooking on fishing boats out of Sitka. The pay was great—for two months a year. He seemed happy to be unemployed after that. I grabbed the first cooking job I could find that had a steady paycheck—City Hall, Fairbanks. In the cafeteria. After a couple of years I was moonlighting more as a caterer than I was cooking for the city, and it paid better. I guess I developed some guts. Fairbanks does that to a person.”

“That it does. So what happened to him?” Ani passed over the chopping board with the mushrooms, and Eve added them to the diced potatoes she was steaming in the microwave.

“He’s probably still unemployed in Sitka.” Eve shrugged. “I met a girl. It wasn’t heaven, but it did sort out some of my issues. We dated for almost two years.”

“Is that the one who went back to her ex?”

“Yeah. Cyndy. She was so sorry she had somehow forgotten to tell me she was still in love with her ex while she was saying she loved me.” Eve knew she sounded bitter, but, truthfully, the bitterness was real. She’d felt like the old cardigan that Cyndy had kept around until she was absolutely sure she was going to get the mink coat she really wanted.

“That’s cruel. I hope they broke up after two months, in a spectacularly public fashion.”

Eve smiled. “Well, it was six months and private, but I have to say I wasn’t broken up to hear the news.”

“Oh—not to change the subject, but Tonk is in the truck, which is cool. He likes going with me and hanging out. But he could use some water. Can I get a bowl?”

Eve found a good-sized candidate. Ani slipped into her boots and went out to the truck. Moments later Eve could hear the clank of the dog’s collar and Ani’s chatter as she pointed out the water.

The pies were just about assembled. Only the mash needed to be spooned into place on top. Eve went to the back door. “Tonk can come in the house, you know.”

“I don’t want to impose—he takes up quite a bit of floor space.”

“It’s okay,” Eve said. “I like dogs.”

The relieved grin that crinkled the corners of Ani’s eyes was proof she’d said the right thing. And it was true. She liked dogs well enough. She’d just never been around one that was to a Chihuahua what Alaska was to Rhode Island.

“Sit!” Ani’s firm gesture had Tonk happily ensconced in the corner of the kitchen. She took off her boots again with the same apology about the mud on them she’d made when she’d arrived.

“It’s okay, really. The floor has seen more messes than a little mud. There’s the great spaghetti sauce spill of two years ago—when it gets really warm in here I crave garlic bread.” She broke off when Tonk flopped over onto Ani’s boots with a deep groaning sigh, his nose buried in the depths. “What do you put in your shoes?”

“Just my feet. They must smell like steak or something.” Ani looked mildly embarrassed. “And it’s only ever been my shoes. Nobody else’s.”

Eve giggled at the happy noises Tonk made, and realized she was just a bit envious. Part of her wanted to flop onto Ani and make the same sounds. She was glad to have the oven to tend to because suddenly she couldn’t breathe. She’d been worried dinner wouldn’t be elegant enough, that she hadn’t fussed enough, but Ani wasn’t a 30-ingredient-sauce kind of a woman, not when butter and a bit of salt and pepper would do most of the time. She was casual, but that wasn’t the same as ignorant. And kissing her…

Eve leaned into the heat blasting from the broiler, hoping it would explain her flushed cheeks. Those kisses… She’d been kissed before and found it great fun, especially after she’d figured out women’s kisses were what could make her knees melt.  When she’d kissed Ani she’d realized that she’d been subsisting on nice table wines, unaware that there was a deep, powerful special reserve wine, grown and matured right here in Fairbanks. After those kisses she wasn’t sure about being able to go back to an everyday vintage.

How do you know? Eve asked herself as they ate dinner. You know when you meet someone and they’re not right and you don’t question it, you move on. So how come it’s not that kind of certainty when you meet someone who’s right?

“Tell me about dogsledding. I can’t believe you put something that size in a harness.” Eve gestured at Tonk, who had stayed in his corner though many longing looks were cast their direction.

“I started with junior competitions more as something to do nights. My dad had a good team but they weren’t racers, they were working dogs. I had Tonk Senior and borrowed three dogs. We were totally mismatched, but—” She tapped one temple. “The Bycalls have fabulous night vision. When everyone else goes off course, slow but steady wins the race.”

She took another hearty bite of the pie. “This is fabulous, by the way. I swear it’s something I could make, though I haven’t a clue how to make it all juicy. I’d be using Betty Crocker.”

“I’m a comfort food cook, though I find every way I can to cut out fat and sodium. It’s just a good habit to have.” Eve added more wine to Ani’s glass. “Thanks for this, by the way. I hadn’t realized Oregon had some good vineyards.”

“I cheated and asked Monica. Professor Tyndell. She said she never admitted to her friends how inexpensive it was for the taste.”

Eve had another tingle of misgiving, but then reminded herself that it was probably typical for grad students to idolize a mentor who was at the top of her field. My, my, a critical inner voice added, aren’t you feeling proprietary already?

“The thing about dogsledding is the diet for the dogs. They only sweat through their feet and they are furnaces. If it weren’t below freezing they wouldn’t survive the effort. You have to feed them a high fat diet, just to meet the fuel needs. Sixty percent at least.”

“So your father had serious sled dogs.”

“Yeah—that’s how you get out on the ice. Dogs are a piece of the equipment. But unlike a sled they lick your face and are happy to see you.”

“Which is a definite plus.”

“It is. But to treat them as anything less than a crucial piece of equipment endangers them and you.  My dad could do three or four nights with almost no notice. He was amazing, and he taught me how important it is to be prepared. He lived closed to his team, I mean—nothing against the scientists at GlacierPort. They were okay to my dad, but one of the things they looked down their noses about was that he kept his own dogs instead of hiring them. Like…he couldn’t be a good scientist at the same time. Someday, when I’m all official and tenured and all of that, I’ll have my own team and be just a little bit eccentric.”

“This is Alaska. Eccentric is normal here.” Eve found herself intrigued by everything Ani said. It wasn’t as if she was interested in ice touring, but the way she talked about her father, their adventures, every bit of it was a little more light on who Ani the little girl and teenager had been, and who Ani the grad student was. It illuminated who Ani the woman might become. “Eccentric won’t mean you’re not careful, will it?”

Ani licked her fork with an appreciative sigh before answering. “Earlier this week we were doing our usual rounds checking the metering stations on the ice. It takes about four hours to do each of the loops and we do three every week. Me and the other two incoming grad students, that is. The guys aren’t idiots but they’re so into showing off how great they are on the ice that they don’t use all the gear. So on Tuesday we’re gearing up and they take off before I’m ready, saying they don’t need the full crevasse kit and it’s too warm to add liners under our jackets. I never do catch up to them and they take all the measurements and get back to GP a good five minutes before I do.”

“How foolish,” Eve said. “I would imagine warm or not, the liner is there if you get stuck. Didn’t those two really experienced climbers die in a crevasse accident last year?”

“That’s just it.” Ani sipped her wine and scraped up a last hearty bite of pie. “The good thing is that they were five minutes ahead of me and Professor Tyndell was still ripping them a new one when I came in. Lack of gear and they’d left me behind.”

Monica Tyndell went up in Eve’s estimation. “Good for her.”

“Well, she chewed on me a little bit too. Given the lead they had on me, I should have known I wouldn’t catch them and stayed put. I’m fast on the ice, but not that fast. The only time someone should be out solo on the ice is with a sled. The weight distribution means less chance of opening a crevasse, let alone falling in.”

Eve gestured at her mostly empty crock. “Does Tonk get people food?”

“It’s the only way to feed him enough, but never directly from the table.”

They both set their crocks on the floor and a snap of Ani’s fingers brought Tonk to investigate. Eve had to laugh at the content woof.

“I do like the way Tonk enjoys life. I wish everyone who ate my food was so vocal.”

“It was really good,” Ani said, seemingly alarmed. “I’d have licked my plate if I’d known that would reassure you.”

Immature puns sprang to mind and Eve struggled to control the sudden arrival of an inner teenager with raging hormones. She would not say, “Skip the plate.”

“You cooked, I’ll clean. I’m really good at dishes,” Ani said. “I’ve been babbling, too. What’s your favorite kind of catering job?”

“Any job where the client has a reasonable view of cost and benefit. It doesn’t matter what the budget is, as long as they’re realistic about what it’ll buy. The worst ones are the clients who tell you they could have made the same thing themselves for less because they got all the ingredients on sale. Couple weeks ago a client insisted no one could really tell the difference between canned and fresh tuna once it was cooked—if the cook knew what she was doing. And canned tuna had been buy-one-get-one-free.”

“Cretin.” Ani efficiently scrubbed the gravy pot, then retrieved the nearly pristine crocks from the impressive reach of Tonk’s tongue. “So if you’d gone with canned, and of course his guests had found that strange, it was still your fault.”

“Of course. I would have lacked the skill to put a beautiful sear and glaze on canned tuna. It’s always the caterer’s fault. But I still love it, don’t get me wrong. Most of the time people are lovely, and most of the time, the event is happy and people enjoy the food. I like what I do.” She busied herself whisking cream in a copper bowl until it was firm enough to pour on the simple pecan tarts that were left from the job earlier in the day. It helped her composure not to look at Ani too much. Every time she did look part of her wanted to dance, part of her wanted to sing, part of her wanted to swoon—and it was all new because she really didn’t think she’d felt like this before. How could she know, when this delirium hit her between the eyes, if she should be dancing or running away?

No part of her wanted to run away and that was scary. And wonderful. Meanwhile, Ani seemed completely at ease, and that was not fair.

They carried their dessert plates into the living room. Ani said no to more wine, and Eve likewise abstained. Her head was not nearly clear enough as it was. Tonk followed them, but accepted the rug in the foyer as a decent-enough place to have a good sleep. Eve put her stockinged feet up on the coffee table and was glad Ani felt comfortable enough to do so, too. Side-by-side, their plates balanced on their thighs, they talked about last year’s movies and this year’s books, following tangents and sharing opinions. Ani merely shrugged when Eve disagreed about a movie’s quality and Eve was reminded how Todd had insisted she had to agree with him, and would argue with her until she said she did.

“That’s the thing about being on the ice. You’re surrounded by water, but everything is dry.” Ani licked her lips after her last bite of tart, and Eve was charmed that she’d missed a dollop.

“Living in Alaska we ought to own stock in moisturizer.” She grinned as Ani tried to surreptitiously snag the cream with her tongue. “Would you like me to get that for you?”

Ani tried to squint down her face. “A napkin would be nice.”

“A napkin isn’t what I had in mind.” Eve could hardly believe her voice sounded so steady.

“What did you…oh.”

Eve leaned close enough to carefully lick the cream up herself. No slobber, no heavy breathing—at least she hoped. Their eyes locked and Ani made a noise, almost a low growl, then cupped Eve’s face and pulled her toward her for a kiss, a beautiful, long, searching, sexy kiss that was dancing and sitting in the sun and sharing good food and a promise of more.

“I’ve been waiting all night for that,” Eve whispered. It was the truth, she guessed, but she had hardly meant to say it.

“Me, too.”

“I’m shaking,” Eve said needlessly.

“Me, too.”

“No you’re not.” She ran her hand down Ani’s arm.

“On the inside.” Ani captured Eve’s hand, placing it firmly in the middle of her chest. “I was afraid I’d break your dishes.”

Under her palm Eve could feel the rhythm of Ani’s heart, slow and strong. She swallowed hard as she inched her hand upward until she could cup the back of Ani’s neck. She didn’t mean to pull Ani close that eagerly, that quickly, and she’d forgotten about the plates. She needed to kiss Ani again, right now.

“The dishes…oh…”

“Forget about them.” Eve reached between them to push a fork to the floor.

“Tonk will clean it up…oh…yes.”

The delirious series of kisses were punctuated by Eve’s unanswered questions. How do you know what she likes, what she wants? Eve couldn’t focus on her own uncertainties and the fear that she felt far too much to be safe. She wanted to watch Ani’s face, get lost in her eyes, while her fingertips touched heaven.

There was whipped cream on their shirts, which Eve discovered as she kissed her way down Ani’s front. Laughing, she said, “You’ve got to take this off.”

“I will if you will.” Ani’s eyes were dark with desire, but there was still the golden light of humor dancing in their depths.

In moments their shirts were on the floor with the remnants of dessert. Eve lost her breath—Ani was all muscle, rippling across her ribs to give way to the swells of her breasts.  She tried not to look like a starving woman as she straddled Ani’s hips. Was it the contrast between them that was so arousing? Ani’s sleek, hard lines, her angles and edges sharp where Eve was all curves? She ran her fingertips over the smoothness of Ani’s stomach, tracing a faint scar, then following a path of unexpected freckles.

She wanted to purr as Ani’s hands caressed her arms, then drifted upward to pull her bra straps from her shoulders. Her shivering response raised Ani’s gaze to meet hers.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes. I really want this to happen.”

“When’s the next time you have to be somewhere?”

Her calendar was blurry in Eve’s mind. “I have a helper coming here around two tomorrow.”

“Trust me, then,” Ani said with a reassuring smile. “This is going to happen. Very slowly.”

Eve gasped.

Ani’s aura of confidence faded. “That sounded stupid, didn’t it?”

“No. God, no.” She suddenly didn’t feel so unreal. “I can go slow.”

One fingertip brushed against the front of her bra. She shivered again and Ani smiled. “Sure?”

“As sure as you are.” Eve pushed her hand between Ani’s denim-covered thighs. Ani’s half-choked moan was gratifying. She laughed and Ani’s face split into a wide grin.

“Minx.” Ani pulled her down for more kisses.

Wiggles and caresses eventually left them out of breath and skin to skin, giggling a little.

“I think,” Ani said, twisting out from under Eve, “you need to be on your back.”

“Why?” Eve let her body turn to dead weight as she stretched across Ani. “I like this position.”

“Because I want to make love to you and I can’t quite reach.”

Eve smooched Ani’s wonderfully defined shoulder before giving her a laughing glance. “Why should I make it easy for you?”

Just like that, Ani’s smile faded. Her voice broke ever so slightly as she said, “Please.”

Eve’s stomach did one last flip-flop. She abruptly felt heavy and swollen, intoxicated with desire.

With a mutual sliding of bodies, they faced each other on the narrow confines of the couch. With a nervous swallow, Eve said, “We could move to the bedroom.”

“Not yet,” Ani whispered. “I so want this.”

Eve felt Ani’s touch then, and realized, too late, that it wasn’t her body that was Ani’s for the taking. How do you know it’s safe to open your heart to her hands? Ani held her tight with one arm, whispered her name, her breath growing shorter and shorter with Eve’s, face flushed with concentration and eyes wide with desire—and disbelief. Eve felt it, too, part of her didn’t really think this was happening, that it could be so easy. Nothing was ever perfect.

But it was. They were.

They had been perfectly attuned that night, and so many nights after. A year of perfection, and maybe it had felt that way because they’d been so uncomplicated. They worked hard, pursued their passions and every possible moment they could spend together they did. The answer was always yes.

With a shudder, Eve turned off the van engine, looking at her house. Same couch, same kitchen, same dog, same everything. No Ani.

So much for perfect.

Chapter 5

“Perfect?” Lisa made a face over her pizza. Quickly bored with their layover in the Atlanta airport, she’d made a beeline for junk food. “Eww. Nothing and no one is perfect.”

“She wasn’t perfect, and neither was I, but we were perfect together.”

“Eww,” Lisa said again, more emphatically. “No wonder nobody ever got anywhere with you—living up to the Madonna and Julia Child put together in a supermodel body.”

“Not a supermodel, far from it.” Lisa might be insightful, but Ani was getting tired of the spotlight on her shortcomings. She went for a distraction. “You’re a supermodel body.”

“Oh.” Lisa subsided temporarily. “Sometimes you’re actually nice.”

“Sometimes you are, too.”

“You said she was gorgeous.”

“She is, was, I mean. I mean, probably still is.” Images of Eve flickered through Ani’s mind. Lovely had always been the best word for Eve. She was laughter and light and wind chimes and chocolate.  “First time I met her I thought, wow, all woman. Before her I’d kinda leaned toward the jock types.”

“So I was right—she spoiled you for the likes of me.” Lisa’s hair flip was impressive.

“Lisa, I have to tell you…” Ani gave her a sideways grin. “You might be incredibly fit but the last thing I think when I look at you is jock.”

“Stop being nice. It makes it hard to needle you.” Nevertheless, Lisa was smiling. “Are you ever going to tell me why you bailed?”

“I’m sorry.” Ani sipped her coffee, which was free of mocha, sprinkles or whipped anything. “I don’t think you’ll get it. Why my whole life fell apart in a day. It was better for everyone if I left. So I did. You’re going to think I was a big chicken.” Fine, she was starting to think so herself, except telling Lisa about it brought back the needles of pain that had shredded her courage—and her heart—three years ago. How strong was she supposed to have been? When she realized she didn’t even have Eve’s support, how was she supposed to survive that, too?

“I already do. So telling me what happened can’t make my opinion any worse.”

To her surprise, Ani laughed. What had she done to deserve Lisa suddenly in her life? She was torn between thinking of Lisa as a punishment for past crimes and a sign of heavenly favor. Two minutes ago the past crimes theory was on top. Right now, heaven was winning.

“Where it started, there was this other researcher—Kenbrink. He and Professor Tyndell did a joint progress, with this huge grant at stake. They were working together to get a mini-grant for a joint project, but each had their own goals, too. Monica did an annual temperature and methane gas study of her own. Kenbrink was finishing a multiyear study on melt and composition. And both groups were doing extra measurements for the huge Institute of Science grant. Whoever won it was going to mount a massive trapped methane gas measurement from very deep core samples.”

“Wait—why is methane important? Methane is, well, you know…” Lisa was apparently too delicate to name names.

“Methane is one of the reasons shit stinks, yes. Methane gas is what you get when something rots. Well, millions of years ago, there was a warming cycle and there were plants in the arctic. Then they died when the world went cold again. Those plants rotted under ice. Now that the ice is melting, the gas from plants millions of years ago is adding to what man is doing today with carbon dioxide and methane from large animal farms, like beef, not to mention that rising temperatures rot more things quicker, so more methane from our forests. Throw in one of the nasty fluoride gases—a variant used in manufacturing things like computers and flat-screen TVs. None of the estimates of what’s happening to the climate includes anything but carbon dioxide, and that’s not the only thing that’s cooking us.”

Lisa was frowning. “Are we going to go up in a big ball of crusted waste?”

“If we don’t change, yes. I’m no sociologist—I don’t know what makes people change. But we can’t do anything about what nature is doing to the planet. We can only change what we do.”

“Okay, I’m only half scared now. Very comforting.” 

Ani decided to ignore the sarcasm. “Professor Tyndell, over the last three years, had created an international team of people trying to get methane and nitrogen triflouride included in the estimates. If you do that, things are looking pretty bleak. Kenbrink didn’t agree with including methane gas, so if he wins the grant to take the samples it’s possible the results are shaded a different way than if she does. Now, with two years’ worth of data, nearly, most folks in the field are agreeing Tyndell was right to start measuring.”

Lisa shook her head. “So, you got to go on this glacier junket, I take it?”

 “Twelve people, three weeks, two sleds and eight dogs, sleeping two to a tent on the ground. Not exactly a junket.”

“Sounds like you loved it as much as I would love three weeks in St. Croix. To each her own.”

Ani gave her a scathing look. “Yes, I got to go, which was quite a coup. I was really honored. We were delayed almost a month leaving because of late cold weather, and went in June when it warmed up really fast. That made for a lot of instability in the ice. First camp was four days out, and we were there six days. The second camp, where supplies had been dropped by helicopter, was another four days of hiking. Ice fields are like any other kind of geological structure—valleys, and canyons, peaks and gullies, plus you never know when a crevasse is only inches under the ice and you’ll fall in, like thin ice on a lake, except your falling momentum could wedge you permanently in place. With that much gear and supplies, you go slow, about four miles a day, depending.”

“Why do you do that? It sounds brutal.”

“Why do you surf?”

“Because I have to. Okay, so you think you have to do this ice thing. So you’re at the second camp when something happens?”

“Ice fog.” She flipped her empty cup into the nearby trash can. “Fog is when air and ground temperatures get close together. All it takes is vapor in the air and it condenses. Ice fog is where the air temp is already below freezing, then gets close to the temperature of the ground. That summer the big problem was the swinging temperatures. It would get into the fifties and the ice surface would slick up and there’d be some evaporation into the air. Then it would freeze hard in early evening—down toward zero. Glacier surface temps don’t usually swing that much, but it means that the vapor was plentiful, the air temp plummeted and the fog is sudden, thick and burning cold.” Ani shivered, but the feel of ice fog, the weirdness of it, wasn’t unpleasant with the right gear and a GPS locator. Her real admiration went to the natives who survived those conditions—likely by being smart enough not to go out in them—with bear skins and stone knives, while she got to be exhilarated by the challenge of the elements wearing the latest in lightweight breathable sub-zero outergear.

“Anyway, we were all out in pairs boring holes for temperature and ice samples. I was good at predicting fog, and I suddenly thought we were ripe for it, and radioed that everyone should haul ass for base. We all made it back before it set in, except for the profs. They didn’t answer either radio and we were all radioing back and forth about what to do when Professor Tyndell stumbled into camp. She was banged up pretty bad and she told us Kenbrink was probably dead. A canyon wall sheeted and they got caught by the sliding ice. Kenbrink had been unconscious by the time she’d gotten herself out from under the ice. She lost her radio—her entire kit—and was digging with her gloves. She couldn’t get him out on her own.”

“So she had to go for help and probably saved herself by doing so. What a horrible decision to have to make.”

A cold chill crept down Ani’s back. “She said from what she could see he was bleeding out and that he wasn’t conscious made it easier to face the facts. But yeah—not a situation I would want to be in.”

  They made their way to the queue for the flight. The distraction was welcome. Ani hadn’t realized it would be so difficult to make sense of the chain of events. She was clear on what had happened to her and when, but there were all the side issues, unfortunate coincidences and mistaken assumptions. She had been as numb as everyone else from the moment they’d found Kenbrink, after the fog had dissipated.

It had been a bright, sunny day. Warm enough that whenever they were out of the wind most of them unsnapped their hoods. The dogs were in fine form, pulling an empty sled, ears up and tails wagging. Ani thought the researchers made a colorful procession, no two snowsuits alike. Monica led the way in brilliant turquoise. Ani was pretty sure she wasn’t the only one who rounded every corner hoping to see Kenbrink in his maroon and navy colors, waving to them.

Finally, they were in a narrow canyon. Ani’s first realization that they had arrived was the sudden whines from the dogs. The sled skittered to a halt. Kenbrink was there, in his maroon and navy blue, but the dominant color of the scene was red. Red, dull like old bricks, spread out over the ice floor. Kenbrink hadn’t even tried to dig out. A knife of ice had crushed one leg and sliced open an artery.

“I was trapped over here,” Monica said. She gestured at a tumble of broken ice. “I heard the crack and jumped backward. My kit is under at least six feet of that stuff. Fortunately, I was free from the waist up and my pick was on my belt. Once I could reach it I knew I was going to be okay. The fog was so bad I could barely see…” She swallowed hard.

Ani gave Monica a sympathetic, short hug. There weren’t really any words that could help.

Monica finally went on, “I could barely see him. He didn’t respond to me at all. By the time I checked—I think he was unconscious from the blood loss, and hypothermia was going to set in. I didn’t have a choice, not with the fog. Did I?”

Kenbrink’s lead grad assistant was shaking his head. He was clearly holding back tears, but Ani felt under no obligation to do so. She let tears fall while they set about the grim work of using chisels and picks to free the stiff body. The blood on the ice stuck to their boots like powder, but it was preferable to fixate on that than look at the blue-veined skin on Kenbrink’s hands, arms and face.

She did her part in helping to transfer the body to the sled. Frozen in an awkward position, they had to move body and kit at the same time, since the kit was trapped under an arm that would only move if they broke it.

Monica borrowed Ani’s radio to let the helicopter rescue know they were on their way to Kilkat Plateau with their unfortunate cargo. They were a chilled and dispirited honor guard when the helicopter arrived to take Kenbrink and one student back to Fairbanks. It had been a difficult decision, but the remaining Kenbrink students had voted to continue the survey, feeling that their leader would have wanted them to. Professor Tyndell also opted to finish their own work—Ani had understood that. The measurements couldn’t be any later in the year or they wouldn’t be comparable and they’d already been delayed too long. There was not just a lot of money at stake, but a hope of changing the way science evaluated the global warming crisis.

They finally broke camp after three more days and headed toward home, every mile feeling longer to Ani than the last. Monica was distraught and withdrawn and had woken twice at night with a muted cry plainly audible through the thin tents. Ani felt so helpless. There didn’t seem to be anything she could do or say to help Professor Tyndell, so she did her job the best she could, earning distracted praise.

The closer they got to GlacierPort the more ominous their arrival seemed. Their tails and heads down, even the dogs seemed to have picked up on the mood.

They clomped up the final approach to the GlacierPort access to find a small, subdued crowd waiting for them. Ani had immediately spotted Eve. Like everyone else she made a beeline for her nearest and dearest. Eve helped her out of the pack, then seized her in a fierce protective hug.

“Am I a bad person,” she asked, “because the first thing I thought was thank the Lord it wasn’t you?”

Ani hiccupped into Eve’s hair, and kept her back to the rest of the crowd. She hadn’t cried since they’d found the body, but now she could, and Eve just kept holding her, strong and tight.

Her next clear awareness was that she was in Eve’s van, with Tonk’s muzzle on her shoulder. He whimpered slightly and she put a hand back to pat him. At home, on autopilot, she let Eve draw a steaming bath. She wasn’t aware of time passing as she soaked, but got out when Eve said so. The bed seemed to rush up at her.

The next morning she stirred, her thoughts unfolding. Soft mattress, a pillow, clean linens printed with lilacs, warmth, room to move, Eve…Eve next to her. She burrowed into the yielding shoulder as the memories of the expedition came back, bit by bit, including the gash of red and the ugliness of blue and white that had mottled Kenbrink’s frozen skin. “A death on the ice is not pretty,” her father had told her. He had understated it.

The angle of the bright sunlight through Eve’s blinds said it was probably six a.m. Ani paused to breathe in the natural blues and greens that made Eve’s bedroom so restful. Moving quietly, she slipped out of bed, found her robe, visited the bathroom, then headed for the kitchen. If she knew Eve, there had been a welcome home dinner, but she’d slept right through it.

She was rummaging in the icebox when she felt a gentle touch at her back.

“Let me.” Eve eased her out of the way. “I’ll reheat it.”

Ani made herself useful by boiling water for tea. Her dorm room hot plate took forever to heat water, so it was always nice to wake up at Eve’s.

This wasn’t how she had planned to arrive home from her first academically sanctioned ice expedition. She’d spent the whole trip out thinking how she would ask Eve if they could move in together. She only spent half her nights at the dorm as it was. Her paid internship work, plus grant projects, would help pay for her keep. Next year she would be a paid teaching assistant. Professor Tyndell thought she had a good shot at faculty down the road. She and Eve could have a nice life.

Since the accident she hadn’t been able to focus on much of anything. Getting back to Eve had been all that mattered.

Her stomach growled and she sniffed appreciatively. She said over her shoulder, “You didn’t.”

Eve, adorable in mussed hair and her thick red robe, preened as she opened the microwave door. “I did.”

“You know that I love you, don’t you?”

“Of course you do. You and Tonk are ruled by your stomachs.” Eve gave her a loving grin.

 Ani settled happily at the table, contemplating the bubbling crock. How romantic, she thought—a reprise of the first time Eve had cooked for her. “Just the way I like it.”

She fished a hunk of what turned out to be steak from under the mashed potatoes. Pure heaven. It felt easier to breathe after a few more bites. Best not to think about Kenbrink, who wouldn’t have any more great meals, or her father, who she wished could have had some of Eve’s shepherd’s pie. He’d have liked Eve. She pushed away the useless flash of anger that he hadn’t been able to quit smoking. He’d still be alive and they’d have met. Eve would have liked him, too.

Ani was abruptly not hungry anymore. “I’ll have the rest later.”

“It’s okay.”

Eve’s touch on the back of Ani’s hand sent a familiar, welcome thrill through her. Death had taken its fee, she told herself, but life has to go on or death gets more than it ought. Her father had told her that when her mother had died. She wanted to pull Eve back into bed and immerse herself in life. But first, she thought, first, I’ll do what I had planned.

She was just turning to get down on one knee when the phone rang.

Eve’s eyebrows rose in alarm. “It’s so early,” she said as she went to answer. After briefly listening, she said into the mouthpiece, “She’s right here.”

Ani was surprised to hear Monica’s voice. “I’m sorry, Ani, about the hour. It took me a while to realize you were probably at your girlfriend’s. You need to come back. There’s a question about what happened, and you just need to make a statement. Then I can go home, finally.”

“Of course, right away. I’m sorry. I thought it was okay to leave.” She met Eve’s worried gaze after she hung up.

“Is there some kind of problem?”

“It sounds like there’s an official inquiry. I shouldn’t have left, I guess.” She hurried to the bedroom and found clean jeans and a hockey jersey. On the way out the door she pulled Eve close for a loving, promising kiss. “When I get back…”

“You better believe it, sailor.” Eve laughed up at her, eyes like morning sky.

Professor Tyndell looked as if she hadn’t slept, which was probably accurate. Her bright hair, usually swept forward in a chic jaw-length bob, was still pulled back under a watch cap that framed the best looking face in the geology field, even under these conditions.

“It’s Kenbrink’s notes,” she said without much preamble. “They’re gone. They weren’t with his…body. They weren’t in his kit.”

“Gone?” Ani stood awkwardly in the middle of the professor’s office. The framed needlepoint of epoch stratifications was askew on the wall again, threatening to fall onto the display case of rock and shale and several spectacular cut geodes. The credenza behind the professor’s desk was two-feet deep with papers and books. Opposing corners held notes from two different research projects. The two side chairs each represented her incoming papers and mail. Ani would someday like to have an office this fascinating. “Did they look through everything?”

Behind her a voice said, “Yes, we did.”

Turning, Ani recognized the Dean of the School of Environmental Science. They’d been scheduled to meet twice, but something had come up both times and he’d cancelled. “Did they get left at the accident site?” 

His tone brusque, Dean Malmoat said, “His kit was with him, so they’d only be there if they fell out, but several people swear categorically they looked closely at the site after the body was moved. Where’s your pack?”

“I didn’t bring it.” Ani turned back to Monica. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know I was supposed to.”

Monica blinked. “I thought I asked you to.”

“No—”

“All my fault,” Monica said hurriedly. “Maybe someone can go get it.”

“I can go get it.” Ani was puzzled, and starting to get alarmed. “Am I in some kind of trouble?”

 Dean Malmoat gave no sign of reassurance. “You’re the only person who left without checking in. Your pack hasn’t been searched.”

“I was exhausted. I’m sorry, I didn’t hear anything that said we couldn’t leave.”

“I thought—” Monica subsided, looking nervous and pained.

“Someone can go get my backpack. It’s at my friend’s in North Pole.  I don’t remember seeing anything on the ground, either. His kit was there, trapped under his arm, which was…” Ani paused to swallow. “Frozen stiff. And still under his arm when they put him on the copter. Nobody wanted to yank it off, I mean, what did it matter?”

“The notes weren’t in the kit when it was removed.” The dean’s expression didn’t lighten. “And they weren’t left behind. So they came back with someone.”

“Everybody else was searched before they left here. You were gone so quickly…” Professor Tyndell met Ani’s gaze for no more than the briefest of glances.

“Unless my friend has brought it in, my pack’s still in the back of her van. I took a bath and went to sleep. My clothes are all still there. My outergear I think is still in her van, too. I’m not sure.”

The dean left with Eve’s address in hand, and Ani said to Monica, “Do they really think I did it? Why would I do that? I can’t publish them. Everyone would know.”

Her voice a little shaky, Monica said, “Conventional wisdom is that if the notes are gone there’s no competition for the methane study grant.”

Ani frowned, then followed the train of thought. “So I did it to scuttle their chances.”

“And…”

“What?”

“Well, to curry favor with me.”

Ani knew she sounded defensive, but she couldn’t help herself. “I know this is egotistical, but I’ll have no trouble with the dissertation when the time comes. You know that.”

“It’s not about your degree. It’s about us.”

Ani blinked. “Huh?”

“Yeah. Well, we’re both queer and queers stick together

and/or you have a crush on me and want me to be more than your prof. Take your pick.” She collapsed into her desk chair, fingertips massaging her temples.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t take them. Should I tell the dean about Eve? I mean, we’ve been together a year. I’m not in…there’s no crush, you know.” Well, if there was, it was a small one, Ani thought. Maybe before Eve it might have been bigger. But there was only one woman who could make her blush with shyness and lust with ferocity all in the same moment. 

Monica looked up. “I know that. No one will want to believe it. I’ve pissed off plenty of people in my day.”

So it’s about her, and people thinking she’s an uppity dyke, and they can’t get her on her science, so they use this instead. “Well, how do they know one of Kenbrink’s people didn’t toss them away on the way up to the plateau?”

With a rueful smile, Monica said, “Do you think any of them could actually destroy those notes?”

 “No, but someone did it. Why not one of them?”

“It was their entire survey results, and they can’t do it again this year—we’re out of days for comparison. If they had them, Kenbrink’s assistant back at Toronto would be able to work with what they had. No, they have no reason to do this.”

Ani moved toward the door. “I guess I better call Eve.”

“Why don’t you do it from here? You probably shouldn’t leave. I mean, I’ll be able to say you didn’t.”

Her misgivings rising, Ani told Eve that there was someone coming to get her stuff.

“Is there some kind of problem?” Eve sounded as if she’d gone back to bed. Ani wished she were there, soaking up all that soft warmth.

“Just a misunderstanding. Leave everything where it is.”

“Okay. You sound funny.”

“Sorry.” Ani was acutely aware of Monica, who was trying to look as if she couldn’t hear every word.

“Is someone there?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh. Call when you can?”

She assured Eve that she would and hung up the phone, feeling dazed.

Monica gave her a worried smile. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah. She’s as confused as I am.”

“Well, I’m sure this will all work out. I’m so tired. I never thought I wouldn’t be able to go home right away.”

Ani realized she had no idea if Monica lived with someone. She was openly lesbian, sometimes a flirt at parties, but still very private. “I was really glad to take a bath. Then I slept until like six or so. Eve had made me a scrumptious dinner, so I had it for breakfast.”

“She’s a good cook, isn’t she?”

“A fabulous one.”

“She should have a restaurant or something.”

Ani nodded. “It’s a dream.”

There was an awkward silence and Monica abruptly said, “Let me clear that chair off so you can sit. I didn’t do it for the dean because—don’t tell—I didn’t want him to hang out.” She started the process of moving piles of papers and journals off one of the side chairs that flanked a small table. Some went to the bookcase behind her desk, others on the floor.

She was almost done when she froze in place with a sound of distress.

“What?”

Monica dumbly angled a field notebook toward Ani, all color drained from her face.

Ani knew it, even from a few feet away. The polypropene notebook cover was electric blue, bearing a coded label that ended in GP2008—just like any of the ones from their expedition would be. But it was the large, block-lettered “Kenbrink” that left Ani feeling faint. She’d seen that notebook in the man’s hand, open while he wrote in it, and closed with the clasps fastened, just as it was now. “But…but…how did it get there?”

Monica shook her head. She stared down at the notebook almost as if she didn’t see it.

“Show it to the dean when he gets back. It’ll have somebody’s fingerprints on it.”

“Everybody’s. His assistants all handled it and now I have.”

“But you just found it. I saw you find it.”

“We could be making it up. To cover our plan. Me covering for you. Or you to cover me. I was alone with him. I could have taken them while he was…” She looked as if she would pass out. “While he was dying. No one will believe I just found them right now.”

“Someone planted them.”

She nodded tightly. “Thinking they’d be found when they started a serious search.”

Ani was trembling. “This isn’t right.”

“Everything I’ve ever researched would be…I mean, even if we convince Malmoat, there will be so many who won’t want to believe it. But there’s nothing else for it.” After a hard swallow and a long shaky breath, Monica put the notebook on her desk. “Wait here, okay?”

After Monica left, Ani wondered who would have done such a thing. One of Kenbrink’s people might have, she guessed. It would give them better chances now of winning the grant. Maybe one of them thought Monica could have saved him, though Ani simply didn’t see how.

It might have been one of the other grad students—Shannon Dell had never seemed happy and Ani thought her grasp of science a little weak. Maybe Shannon hoped Monica would get fired and she’d fare better with someone else. Still, that seemed weak. Shannon’s dissertation was complete and would be accepted, even if she wasn’t the most brilliant scientist—she had nothing to gain from having her advisor suddenly replaced. Plus, she cared about proving Monica’s thesis on methane gas and the ticking time bomb it represented. They all did.

Her mind racing, she sat and thought for the next few minutes.

Monica would give the notebook to Malmoat, who would want to believe his own faculty. But he would have to assure the people in Toronto he hadn’t been biased. The Kenbrink folks would never believe Monica hadn’t taken it. Or they would think Ani had taken it, returned it and Monica was taking the fall for a grad assistant. A lesbian grad assistant, like her. Throw in a hint of hanky-panky and it would get very sordid—the kind of gossip people loved to repeat.

Monica came back, still very pale. “Malmoat’s on his way. I had to relay a message, just that he needed to see me right away.”

“What if you never said it had been found?”

“You mean…put it back in the pile and let them find it?”

“No. Like…it’s never found.”

“The idea… You mean like…this went into the boiler? No.” Monica gave her a firm look, though she was clearly frightened. “No, the data can’t be lost.”

Ani wasn’t really sure what she was arguing for. “But it’s not going to be used well. You know his theory is wrong.”

“It’s still a researcher’s work.” Monica lowered her voice. “I found it. And I have to take my lumps. Someone’s out to get me. But it won’t stop me using my data to prove my point about measuring climate change. Glacial deterioration will be faster and worse than we thought.”

“I know.”

All the while, the notebook in the middle of Monica’s desk glowed as if it were some kind of malevolent artifact. “But if you’d never found it here in your office, it wouldn’t change anything. What if it were found…elsewhere?”

“People will always think you took it, then. Everyone else was searched, thoroughly. Intrusively. The sleds were dismantled, all the supply bags and tent packs examined. If it’s found here, then clearly someone stole it. It’s not back at the site.” Monica paced the tiny area behind her desk. “Who would do this to me?”

“It’s not fair.” Ani couldn’t help the note of panic in her voice. “If they find it here, in your office, you get blamed. And that takes out the whole project. Your whole thesis. The hope of getting some real action before it’s too late for the entire region.”

“I can fight it, Ani. It’s not fair, but it’s not over.” Monica paced a rapid circuit around her office. “Look, I’m going to go find Malmoat and drag him back here. He can decide on the next step.”

“Do you think he’ll support you?”

Her expression grim, Monica said, “Honestly, I don’t know. I bring in the money. But he’s passed me over for a few opportunities. I’ve always thought he was a closet case homophobe and I had to watch my step. Damn. I do wish to hell it would disappear off the face of the earth, if I was going to have to pay this kind of price.”

With that, she left Ani alone again. The notebook continued to gleam at Ani, almost as if it were blinking. If it’s never found, Ani thought, I’m no worse off than I was when I got here this morning. I didn’t steal it from Kenbrink. It was someone else’s ill will that removed it from Kenbrink’s team. And it really sounded as if…Monica couldn’t come right out and say it…tell her to…

The next few minutes were a blur. She picked up the notebook and sealed her fate. It took only a moment to slip it under her shirt, tucked into the top of her jeans. The polypropene cover immediately stuck like glue to her sweaty skin.

When she hurried through the corridors her first thought was the boiler, as Monica had said. Burn it up, make it forever gone. It would be simplest. Even as she considered it, she realized there was no way she could bring herself to destroy research. It was evil to take knowledge out of the world. Maybe she could simply hide it where it would be found easily. Everyone would think she’d taken it, gotten scared when the search started and dumped it, but they wouldn’t be able to prove it. All the fuss would die down, though, because the notebook had at least been found, and would go back to Kenbrink’s research partner.

You just put your fingerprints on it, fool. So she’d wipe it clean. Fingerprints were only bad news for her and Monica, the two innocent people. With academic gain or sordid lesbian affair as a motive, her fingerprints would prove she was guilty, but fingerprints from any of Kenbrink’s people wouldn’t be proof of anything. So she’d wipe it clean. It didn’t hurt anything. God, she wanted it all to go away.

Monica knew the truth and Monica would make sure that her doctorate, her future, didn’t suffer for this. She had to trust that, even as she was starting to think she might regret this impulsive decision.

She passed the auditorium, the cafeteria, encountering only a few people but no one she knew. Where could she stash them that wouldn’t attach blame to someone else? She didn’t want anyone else in trouble. There were security cameras at the parking lot, the main entrance and the back doors. The dorm wing was equally covered with cameras, but the classroom wing… She changed course and took the next set of stairs down a half-level to the facilities area. There was no way she could exit the building without being recorded, but she might be able to get the notes out, thanks to a fellow classmate who smoked. The entire facility was smoke-free, including the dorm rooms. The rarely used secondary loading dock had a window that slipped open where smokers would go if the weather was so foul they couldn’t countenance using the outdoor smoking area.  Even better, it was not much farther than the boiler room.

The dock was empty, as usual, and she sprinted up the ladder to the catwalk. The window wasn’t designed to open except for emergencies. The safety latch had been worn down—Ani suspected it had been “helped” to do so—and without breaking the other seals, would open not quite a foot.

She flipped the latch and pushed, then experimented with how far she could get her arm out the window. To the left, down a slope, was a concrete-lined drainage ditch that sometimes carried spring runoff. It wasn’t that far, and even if she didn’t make it, it would look as if someone had panicked and at least tried.

Which was pretty much what had happened, she mused. She hesitated. If she did nothing, they were going to blame her and Professor Tyndell. If she screwed this up, they’d only blame her, and the people who had set up the professor wouldn’t get what they wanted. And this might work, and she might get clear enough, with Monica’s support, to put all of it behind them both.

Using her shirt she scrubbed at the notebook cover as hard as she could. From top to bottom, the spine, the clasps, around and around. Realizing she’d get prints on it once again, she doffed her shirt and used it as a glove. Once she was satisfied that all fingerprints were at least smudged beyond recognition, she slipped the notebook to the other side of the window and did her best attempt at a slow pitch to heave it toward the drainage culvert. It landed face down, several feet above the ditch, but skittered across the firm ground to teeter on the edge. Ani watched in disbelief as it wavered in the eddies of wind. Finally, after a few seconds, it went over the lip, out of her sight. From the other direction, the culvert was visible from many of the faculty offices in the other wing. Someone would see the bright blue, especially when everyone knew what was missing.

She pulled her shirt back over her head, and lost no time getting out to the corridor, running past the boiler room and back up the stairs.

She had only made it around one corner before they found her. She knew it sounded lame, out of breath and flushed, to say, “I had to go to the bathroom.”

Dean Malmoat started to say something, but Monica cut him off with, “Where are the notes, Ani?”

Sticking to the literal truth, she said, “I don’t have them. I didn’t take them from Professor Kenbrink, either.”

Dean Malmoat said, “The fact that they weren’t in your pack I’m afraid doesn’t clear you of anything. At this point they could be anywhere.”

Ani tried to look calm even as her mind grappled with the scenario. So Monica hadn’t told him about the notebook in her office yet? Had they walked into her office and she’d seen it was gone and realized that Ani had decided to do the one thing that would get them out of this mess? Her proximity to the boiler room had to be obvious to Monica.

“Ani.” Monica’s patience was exaggerated. “Just tell us where they are, and it doesn’t have to be this way.”

Ani tried so hard to say with her eyes that everything was going to be okay now. The bright blue cover would be spotted within twenty-four hours. Slowly, she said, “I didn’t take them from Professor Kenbrink, and maybe it’s time to search the route we took from camp two. Anybody could have stashed them along the way.”

Dean Malmoat said firmly, “Oh, we’re going to search all right. If we have to we’ll search your friend’s house too.”

There was an extra edge to the way he said friend that made Ani realize Monica was right about him. He wouldn’t stick up for either of them. Over his shoulder, Ani made fleeting eye contact with Tan Salek, who was watching all of them carefully. Her expression was not as hostile as the Dean’s, nor as accusatory as Monica’s. Ani had to look away, though, because the disappointment in Tan’s eyes was obvious.  With a sinking feeling, she realized she did care about some people having a good opinion of her. Then it hit her between the eyes that she hadn’t even given a thought to what Eve would think. Surely Eve would realize she’d done the best she could.

Well, when the notebook was found, there’d be no way to tie it to Monica, and if people wanted to believe that Ani had ditched it in the culvert somehow, at least Monica knew why.  Tan had always been so supportive—she’d give her the benefit of the doubt. 

“What did you do it for, Ani?” Monica looked tentative, like she was on the verge of telling the dean the rest of the story.

Please, Ani pleaded silently, just let it be. We can weather this.

“I didn’t,” she insisted. Then she realized that by appearing to accuse her, Monica was scuttling the whole Lesbian Lovers theory. Okay. She’d stick to true statements. “I  never saw anyone in our team handle his notebook while we were out, either.”

Even as she had said the words, she had heard her father predicting nothing good would come of lying by telling the truth. He’d hated academia, though, because of the competitive shallowness that undercut the research. That kind of behavior had never been in her nature, but these circumstances had been extraordinary. Someone had tried to frame Monica.

She stretched in the narrow airplane seat and gave Lisa a wan smile. “So you can see how well it all worked out for me.”

“I don’t get how he didn’t have his stuff on a Blackberry or something.”

“I wish he had. But he was the last of the pencil and paper guys. He didn’t trust anything that needed power out on the ice.”

“Did she get the big grant and all the money?”

Ani nodded. “University of Fairbanks GlacierPort Facility won the multimillion dollar grant to assess the possible amount of methane gas to be released at the current rate of melt. Raw data has been released, with preliminary findings.”

Looking sleepy, Lisa stretched out her legs. “So they found the notebook and people still thought you ditched it?”

Ani nodded. “Well, this is the part where my own stupidity comes into play. The drainage ditch where I’d thrown it was always dry in summer, but I couldn’t tell from that angle that the outlet had clogged. There was water in it. The notebook was water-resistant, but not waterproof. By the time someone saw it, the pages had semi-dissolved. There was no saving any of it. I wasn’t just a data thief, I was a data killer. I might have just as well thrown it into the boiler.”

It was Ani’s turn to look out the window. She had never considered that the data would be destroyed, that Kenbrink’s last project would go unfinished, that his brilliance as a scholar had been diminished. When she’d seen the notebook, bloated and worthless, she’d burst into tears. She’d acted guilty—and she was.

“Monica was right. I should have left it on her desk, but I thought I could fix it. I thought I was so smart.”

Lisa put her hand on Ani’s forearm. A quick glance revealed Lisa’s eyes fluttering shut. Ani turned her gaze to the clouds outside the window. They were white and even, like someone had poured whipped cream from here to the horizon. From far above, the ice fields looked almost as soft and magical. But up close they were sharp and brittle, an icy moonscape. Like friends who wouldn’t look you in the eye. Like Eve… Eve asking in horror, “How could you?”

Going home was a mistake. She was probably the only one, after all this time, who still felt the cold of the ice and none of its fire. But maybe she could let go by making sure that Eve had moved on. Say she was sorry, without excuses, own her mistakes, get her stuff and go. Tell Tan not to send her any more boxes and find a life she could embrace with as much love as she had had for her old one.

Chapter 6

As grateful as Eve was to have Monica Tyndell’s financial support, along with Monica’s adherence to the meaning of silent in silent partner, being beholden to her had its drawbacks. The Dragonfly was only closed on Tuesdays and she was spending most of her one day off making and delivering an array of desserts for a fundraiser that Monica was chairing.

“It’s for charity,” Monica had said, which was a double whammy. Eve couldn’t say no, regardless of her other commitments, and she had to do it for cost, or nearly. Not that she had anything against breast cancer research, of course not, it was just that she already supported the cause other ways, and she could have used the day off for laundry and paying bills. Plus, it seemed like two weeks out of four she was doing something on the side. Honestly, she thought, there were reasons she didn’t have a personal life.

She had been to GlacierPort many times since Ani had left, for catering functions and meeting with Monica about the restaurant. She made herself think about anything but dancing on the glacier, but it was hard not to when the event was on the patio adjacent to the glacier access. In summer, the research facility looked like a sprawling ski lodge with a bodacious view. The event was set up on the patio there, taking advantage of a glorious summer evening and the truly majestic landscape of the half-mile wide Naomi and its dramatic moraine strip as a backdrop. With evening shadows rising, she could count at least ten shades of white and cursed her monolingual limitations. Natives had dozens of names for all the shades and types of ice and she was stuck with white and cold.

It took two trips with heavy trays to get most of the desserts moved. She went back for a last sheet of lemon bars and let Tonk out of the van to have a run. Tonk had been back less than she had, and she wondered if he remembered that night—she caught herself. She was thinking about it again.

That’s how it works, she told herself. Think about it, live it, let it go. If that was the case, then, she ought to live all of it, not just the good parts. She had to remember that last night, when Ani had come and gone without another word.

“Eve, these look fabulous! You’re a miracle worker.” Monica and her usual following of grad students emerged from the building with stacks of chairs. “And you’re early.”

“I’m happy to do it.” One of the people setting out chairs was wearing slacks and a simple twin set—not a student at all. Eve said, “Hi, Tan.”

Tan Salek had always been unfailingly polite to Eve—to everyone, for that matter. As the head of GlacierPort’s administrative services, she was reputed to rule faculty and students with a precise carrot-and-stick system, softened by a sympathetic ear. Ani had always spoken highly of Tan. “How’s the restaurant business?”

Eve answered lightly, trying to decide what it was in Tan’s tone that had always seemed a little too polite ever since Ani had left. It was almost as if Tan blamed her for something, but what on earth could it be? Ani had admitted what she’d done, at least privately. Monica had confessed to failing to use the best judgment in the situation. Eve had just been the girlfriend who hadn’t suspected a thing. Had thought Ani loved her. “My biggest worry is making it through the first winter. But I’m really hopeful.”

“It’s a tough time to be doing anything risky, so I applaud you for it. I’m holding on to my university benefits and retirement plan with both hands.” Tan tweaked a tablecloth into place. “I’m outta here when I’m sixty. Twenty more years and I’m set.”

Twenty years, Eve mused, as she unloaded the boxes of tarts and cookies onto the platters that a student had brought from the cafeteria. She had not really thought that far ahead. Her mind always seemed so filled with work that there wasn’t room for anything else. “What will you do with retirement?”

“Travel, I think. Everyone says Canada is beautiful. All I have to do is be healthy as a horse—and I’m working on that every day.”

“I’d like to travel too. I’ve always told myself I would, but the years go by and I’m always investing more into my business. I’m basically a homebody, I guess.”  I just never thought I’d be an alone homebody. With a rueful inward smile, she acknowledged that Ani had ruined her standards. She couldn’t settle for just anybody. She wanted somebody who made her feel the way Ani had.

Her tone markedly neutral, Tan said, “I have a friend in Key West who has offered to put me up if I wanted a nice beach vacation. I might take her up on it someday. For a change. Though I can’t imagine liking it much—it’s hot and I hear they have really big bugs. Let me get another cloth to put over the top of everything until it’s time to serve.”

She watched Tan’s small, sturdy figure disappear into the building. As far as she knew, Tan wasn’t married and didn’t date, but then she wasn’t hooked into university gossip. Well, they’d never be friends, Eve allowed, and there was no reason to fret about it. She just couldn’t stop hearing Tan’s voice on the phone later that day, the day after Ani had returned from that awful expedition.

Eve had been unnerved by that unexpected visit from campus security that morning to collect Ani’s pack and jacket, and that was on top of the surreal quality life had taken on since word had spread about the accident. Ani’s dorm room phone just rang and rang, and Professor Tyndell’s phone clicked immediately to voice mail. She finally tried Tan’s number.

Tan sounded more officious, and certainly more tense, than usual. “Really, Eve, I’m not at liberty to discuss it. Did you try her dorm room?”

“She didn’t answer. I expected her back here is all. Thank you. I’m a little bit scared—security was here and Ani was so exhausted we hardly talked before she left again this morning.”

Tan’s tone was ominous. “I wish I could be of help, but my hands are tied.”

Eve hung up, very confused and more than a little scared for Ani. She’d pulled into her driveway after her catering gig, fully expecting Ani to be there. The sun was still well above the horizon. There was no sign of Ani’s truck, and Ani hadn’t left a message. Eve had wanted to add Ani to her cell phone plan, but Ani couldn’t afford it and wouldn’t let Eve foot the bill. Now Eve wished she’d insisted.

She cleaned up the kitchen, showered, tried to focus on her shopping list for her next couple of jobs. She was staring at the phone when it rang.

“Eve? It’s Monica Tyndell. I apologize for being so slow to call you, but I don’t know what to say, except that I’m so very sorry.”

Her throat was suddenly so tight Eve was surprised she could speak. “What are you talking about?”

“You don’t—Ani hasn’t called?”

“No. Nobody’s called. I don’t know what’s going on.”

“Oh. Eve…I should let her tell you.”

“Where is she?”

“By now she’s in her room. I’m afraid…for right now she’s been asked not to leave.”

“You’re kidding! What on earth—”

 “She should tell you herself, Eve. I’m sorry, I assumed she had called. Maybe she wants to tell you her side in person. I blame myself. I haven’t handled anything very well, least of all how I relate to Ani. She misunderstood and it’s all a mess.”

Her life had become the kind of nightmare where she was turning in circles, looking for something to anchor her to reality. “Please tell her to call me.”

“I will, Eve. When I see her. I don’t know when that will be, though.”

Eve hung up, deeply alarmed. Her worry all day had seemed overwrought, but now she wished she’d already given in to the urge to drive to GlacierPort and find out what was happening. If Ani couldn’t or wouldn’t come to her, she would go there.

She wasn’t numb, not exactly, as she crossed the main concourse to the residence wing and took the elevator to Ani’s floor. Time didn’t seem to be passing at a steady pace. It took forever for the elevator’s indicator light to click from one to two, then abruptly it was on four. Why hadn’t Ani called? What could be so bad that she didn’t at least need the comfort of talking about it? And what had Monica meant about Ani misunderstanding something?

Ani’s door was just a few down the corridor. Someone had taped a paper to it. In big bold printout it read Get out bitch!

Eve tore it down. She wanted to protect Ani, but how could she when she didn’t know what was going on?

There was no answer to her knock, so she called out, “It’s me.”

Eve’s whole world became Ani’s grief-stricken face, blotchy skin and swollen eyes. She kicked the door closed and pulled Ani into her arms. “Oh, baby, why didn’t you call me?”

“They…they…” After a minute Ani managed to control her voice. “When they searched my room they took the phone.”

Monica must not know that, Eve thought. Letting go of Ani, she said, “They can’t imprison you here, cut you off from help and support. That’s not right.”

Ani scrubbed her shirt sleeve across her eyes. “They’re going to revoke my scholarship—they’re talking about making me pay it back. That I have to sign papers. I didn’t take Kenbrink’s notes out in the field, Eve. I didn’t!”

Maybe it was that she knew Ani so well, and didn’t think that Ani had ever lied to her—whatever it was, she heard the small hesitation all the more. Her blood turning cold, Eve had the unshakable, undeniable realization: She’s lying.

“Why do they think you did, honey? Why are people saying such awful things?”

“Because I left when we got back. I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to. Nobody told me, but everyone else had been told. So that leaves just me. It doesn’t make sense to pick me, just because of that, does it?”

“No, it doesn’t.” For the first time in her life, Eve prayed for her instincts to be wrong. Ani wouldn’t lie to her. “Is there more than just that?”

“When I came back in, I didn’t bring my pack. Monica said she told me to, but I don’t remember her saying anything about it. I tried to talk to Tan about it, but she’s got the dean and campus police breathing all over her. It’s like I don’t know anybody anymore—and they sure as hell don’t want to know me. Everybody thinks I took them, even after they turned up.”

Eve’s confusion doubled. “If they’ve been found, then what’s the problem?”

Fresh tears welled up in Ani’s eyes as a deep flush of red stained her throat and cheeks. “They turned up in a drainage culvert. They’d been in the water and none of the paper survived.”

Even loving her as she did, Eve thought Ani looked guilty, very guilty about something. “Anybody could have put it there.”

“Not when we came in. You were there—you’d have seen anyone veer off or throw something, wouldn’t you have?”

Eve nodded. “I was only looking for you but I still know that nobody left the group. So…they’re absolutely convinced that nobody but you could have done it?”

Ani nodded miserably and her dark eyes were wells of despair.

Eve drew Ani over to her narrow dorm room bed so they could sit. They had spent a night or two on it in the early days of their relationship, not at all unhappy that it was barely wide enough for both of them. The little shoebox of a dorm room had been large enough for an impromptu picnic during finals, when a tryst and what Ani called “Eve’s sacred brownies” had chased away the mid-winter blues.

It didn’t help to think about those times. She took Ani’s hand and squeezed. She might suspect that Ani was lying about something, but focusing on what they could fix right now seemed like a good idea.  “Well, that’s not much of an argument. Last time I read a mystery it took more than opportunity to blame someone.”

“Oh, they have my motive all picked out. They just can’t figure out the means.” Ani looked deeply satisfied about that, convincing Eve all the more that she was hiding something.

“What’s the motive?”

“That I wanted an easy pass from my advisor.”

“Ridiculous. You’re more qualified than most of the other students.”

Ani swallowed. “People are saying worse than that.”

Eve patted Ani’s hand. “Tell me everything, honey. I want to help you. Just tell me.”

Ani turned her gaze to Eve’s, her expression completely open, eyes seemingly bottomless. In barely a whisper, she said, “I’m really sorry. I didn’t think it would turn out like this.”

Eve took a deep breath. Lovers can make mistakes, she told herself. All that matters is that we love each other. We can get through this together. “What did you do?”

“I did put the notes in the culvert. I’m the reason they’re ruined. I feel awful about that. I didn’t know it had clogged.” She burst into tears again, her abject misery adding to the growing ache in Eve’s heart.

“Oh, honey.” She slipped an arm around Ani, hiding her own tears in Ani’s hair. Her remorse was clear. An insidious voice insisted that so many thieves were sorry—when they got caught.

“I put them there so they would get found. I wanted someone to find them.”

“And then they’d stop wondering who had taken them.” Well, that was one way to cover her tracks.

Ani nodded vigorously. “I—we—I thought it would help.”

“We?” Oh, hell. She’s going to break my heart, Eve thought. Ani had always been a bit starstruck around Monica, but could it have been more than that all along? Was that what Monica thought Ani had misunderstood? “You and Monica?”

Ani nodded again, and wouldn’t meet Eve’s eyes.

Her heart couldn’t be broken, not yet. It was throbbing in her chest. “Monica knew you’d taken them?”

“I thought she wanted me to. I thought—thought it was what would help.”

“And was it?” Eve heard her tone growing cooler.

“I don’t know. She could have told them more. She knows that I put them there and she hasn’t told them.”

She’s protecting you, the way I want to protect you, Eve thought. There was only one reason Monica would be doing that, at least that Eve could think of. “Why did it matter so much doing something she wanted, when…when it could get you into this kind of trouble?”

“I couldn’t let them take away her life’s work.” Ani stared at their joined hands. “I couldn’t let that happen.”

“You wanted to protect her?”

Ani nodded. “It was all about her. The whole thing was about her. I didn’t matter.”

Eve pulled her hands away. “You risked everything—everything you’d worked for, trying to get some respect for a Bycall from the academic wizards who scorned your father, you did that for Monica Tyndell’s approval?”

“No, not like that.”

“Then what? For her affection?”

“You don’t understand.”

The sharp, slicing pain brought tears to her eyes. There. Now her heart was broken, she thought faintly. It was Cyndy all over again. Never got over the first love. Eve and all her foolish dreams were disposable. “No, I don’t understand. I don’t understand how you could do it for her.”

“I thought that was—I was wrong. She didn’t want me—”

“How could you?” Eve put her hands over her ears. “Don’t tell me anymore, not now.”

She shot to her feet, trying to breathe, but her body was on autopilot. More important than air was getting away, trying to outrun the hurt. She ran past the elevator to the stairs, clattered down the four flights, averting her tear-streaked face from all the curious looks. People might know she was Ani’s girlfriend, but most didn’t know her name. The side exit was mercifully closest to her van. She locked herself in and finally let the tension and anger pour out as she cried into her hands.

 You have to go back, one half of her was saying, you have to go back and listen.

No, you don’t, the other half argued. She tried to lie to you, too. She’s been lying all along about how she felt about another woman.

And when she told you the truth, you ran.

So what am I, superwoman?

Eve backed out of the parking space, alternating between trembling rage and limp exhaustion. Am I supposed to know how to handle this?

She turned toward home, but found herself circling back to the electronics store at the end of the big box retail strip. Whatever Ani had done, they were treating her like a prisoner. A phone for her dorm room would be a peace offering for running away. Okay, maybe Ani was in love with someone else. Or maybe it was hero worship. Eve wasn’t going to get trapped into being an understanding friend when her lover dumped her, but she wouldn’t be a cold-hearted bitch either.

Check-out took forever with some kind of computer glitch, but Eve was glad of the time to calm herself. She hadn’t been thinking rationally. She also hadn’t eaten, and didn’t imagine Ani had either. At the drug store she picked up a couple of packets of crackers and cheese and some cold water. It would help them both, she was sure of it.

She had thought things could only get better, but her knock on Ani’s door was answered by Monica Tyndell, who looked drawn and distraught.

“What are you doing here?” Eve looked past her, and Monica stepped back.

“Ani’s not here. She left.”

“Going  where?”

“I don’t know.” Monica sniffed. “I feel so terrible. I came up to see if I could help you two come up with a plan, and Ani was shoving clothes in a duffel. I guess I should have tried to talk her out of it, but her reputation is shot, and they’d put her in the poorhouse paying damages. I guess I agreed with her—they’ll have a harder time doing that if she’s not here.”

Eve glanced around the room. Clothes that had been hanging on pegs were gone, as were some books and the three pairs of boots that always lined up behind the door. The photo of her father and a dogsled team was gone. It hurt incredibly to see that the one of the two of them, at a New Year’s Eve party, was still there.

Surely she went to my house, Eve thought. I’ll catch up to her there.

But Ani had already come and gone by the time Eve got home. A few more books, her MP3 player, the fancy scientific watch Eve had given her for Christmas were all gone. Tonk looked like he always looked, happy to see her. If Ani had shared her plans, Tonk wasn’t telling.

That’s when the reality had hit her, so hard she’d slumped down to bury her face in Tonk’s deep, thick fur. Wherever Ani had gone, Tonk couldn’t go. Most nights since, not knowing where Ani was, Eve still hugged Tonk close for solace.

* * *

Ani’s sinuses were irritated and her eyes felt like they had sand under the lids. The stale, recirculated air in the plane was worse than the dry-as-a-bone chill of the club’s air conditioning. Even the sticky humidity of Key West would be welcome at this point. They had an hour to their landing in Seattle, then one last flight for a ten p.m. arrival in Anchorage. Lisa, at least, had had a nap. Ani was starting to feel like the walking dead.

“So she just ran out. Never let you explain.”

“I…well…”

Lisa gave her a scathing look. “Don’t tell me you didn’t try again.”

“Okay, I won’t tell you.”

“You are such a chickenshit. And she’s no better,” Lisa declared.

“You know everything, don’t you?” Ani was back to thinking Lisa was a curse for her sins.

“You were so perfect for each other you couldn’t have a single, decent conversation when something bad happened?”

“They took my phone.”

“So perfect that you couldn’t walk however far it was to the nearest pay phone?”

“People were taping vicious notes to my door. I didn’t feel safe going outside and the biggest part of it all,” Ani said slowly, “was that I did do it. Part of it.”

“Okay, so confess to that. Take your medicine. But it’s not like you murdered the guy. You didn’t start this chain of events—you just made a mistake in the part you did play.  It’s not like you swapped out someone’s board wax for ski wax. You didn’t take someone’s dreams away. Someone did that to you.”

Ani shook her head. “I don’t get off that easy. Because I destroyed those notes they had only a partial record of the expedition. One of the students had one day’s notations from camp one, and there was the data gathered after Kenbrink’s body went back to Fairbanks. That meant part of a multi-year study wasn’t finished and some grad students who had invested two or three years of their lives didn’t get what they had hoped. I did take somebody’s dreams. I knew it then, and Eve deserved better. The situation was FUBAR and I was the reason the notes were lost forever. If they’d been found I might have been able to face the rest of it down, because ultimately, no harm was done. But harm was done and I did it.”

Lisa was giving her that you are so dense look. “So what did you do after that?”

“I stuffed the things I needed into a duffel bag and headed for Eve’s. I did hope to talk to her, then, explain why I had to go. But she wasn’t there.”

She was grateful the parking lot had emptied, for the most part, and while there were still clusters of people around, the cap jammed down on her head and the big duffel in her arms made her look like one of the clean-up crew. She made it to her truck unaccosted. Almost immediately there was a knock on the window.

Her heart was pounding. It was Tan, and normally she would have been relieved, but Tan had been so distant this morning when Dean Malmoat had searched her backpack. When the dean had later told her she would have to pay back her scholarship, Tan was the first person she wanted to consult because she thought she’d get an honest answer. But she’d had no phone and nobody but Monica had come to see her after the dean had told her not to leave her room.

“Ani, what’s going on?” Tan’s mixed Inuit blood was most evident in her expressive eyes. “Where have you been?”

“They told me to stay in my room. So I did.”

“Oh. Nobody I asked knew that. Eve—”

 “She found me,” Ani said bitterly. “Like everyone else, she didn’t want to listen. And I don’t know what to say except I didn’t take those notes in the field. Someone else did that.”

Tan nodded as if she believed Ani, but her expression was shuttered. “Well, this all has to be quite a shock for her. It was for me. Can’t you tell me about it? Where are you going?”

Ani couldn’t believe that Tan’s face held no hint of censure, but she suspected that Tan knew things she wasn’t telling. She couldn’t tell Tan about the attempt to frame Monica. What was the point? “It’s my fault the notes got ruined, Tan. I did that, that’s on me. I can’t afford to pay back my scholarship, so I’m getting out of here.”

“Ani, they can cancel your scholarship, but they can’t make you pay back what you’ve used. Who told you they could do that?”

Ani saw some people looking over at her truck, as if realizing she was now in it. “I’ll send you a note and let you know where I am, okay?”

“Ani, stay. This is bad, but maybe we can—”

“I have to go before they start throwing stuff.” She put the truck in gear and left Tan standing there. She wanted to trust Tan, but it was more clear than ever that Tan was part of the administration, and she’d do what the dean wanted. Tan might still be saying things could work out when they threw Ani into a dungeon and lost the key.

The drive to North Pole was surreal—the setting sun was blazing gold and orange, and the sky was china blue and free of clouds. She had hoped to spend this weekend moving to Eve’s. Hoped to spend the rest of the summer getting very comfortable in a new rhythm of life. Working out laundry and washing dishes and taking Tonk for walks. Sharing tins of soup and learning how to make a dish or two that Eve liked, so she could make her breakfast in bed sometimes. Read or relax together, with one blanket over them both. She had hoped for an uncomplicated life. Maybe, maybe if she tried again, explained again, maybe Eve would forgive her.

She rolled into the driveway, disappointed that there was no sign of Eve’s van. Tonk met her at the door, all black fur and happily shared slobber, and wanting lots of pets. She dropped to her knees long enough to give him a big hug. She got up, though, when she heard a woman’s voice.

“Eve? Honey?” She followed the voice and realized it was Eve’s answering machine.

“…and if you think you’ll ever work for us again, you’ve got another thing coming. That woman is a disgrace, so you can tear up that contract and stick it. I thought I was being open-minded when I hired a lezzie, but now there’s no way!”

The line went dead and Ani stood there, stunned by the woman’s vitriol. Eve had done nothing and she was losing business? Her machine was flashing with a dozen messages. Ani made herself listen, clicking through them one by one. Some people told lies about something coming up, others just flat out said they’d have nothing to do with someone whose lover was a thief, and there was another call like the one Ani had overheard, mean and hateful.

Inside, Ani was in one moment a raw nerve, wincing at everything. In the next, she felt like a moraine stone, ground down by forces she couldn’t control and, in turn, grinding everything in her path. Even if Eve would listen, how could she forgive Ani for ruining her business?

In the bathroom she got her toothbrush, and off the nightstand her watch, her favorite one, a gift from Eve. She took a minute to put a cold cloth on her burning eyes, then grabbed a few more underthings out of her drawer. The last thing she took was the little treasure box she’d had since she was a girl, with the pair of pearl earrings that had been her mother’s. She’d been thinking of giving them to Eve.

Eve was better off without her. Everyone was better off without her. She was going to go as far away as she could.

As she went to the front door, Tonk joined her, his tail wagging with such energy that it created a draft.

“Sorry, boy, you can’t go with me…” Ani sank down to her knees again, fresh tears stinging her eyes. To a dog, her person leaving was the same every time. Person leaves, she comes back.

Tonk didn’t understand goodbye.

She would have crumbled, right then, but Tonk’s solidity braced her long enough to recover her resolve. “She’ll take care of you, I know she will. I’m coming back, I promise.”

That’s when it was real. She was running away. She’d lost her dream of being Dr. Bycall, who credited her father for most of what she knew. Dr. Bycall, whose dissertation would spearhead a cross-discipline comparative analysis of deep sea and glacial temperature changes. Scientist Ani Bycall, partner of chef Eve Cambra. Just plain Ani, happy woman. And now she was giving up Tonk, offspring of Tonk the wonder sled dog, companion of her childhood, whose uncomplicated love had seen her through her father’s death. Her tears matted the fur at Tonk’s neck. Tonk was the most innocent of all, and he’d miss her every day and every day think that was the day she’d come back.

She had stumbled out to her truck, too wrung out to cry, though her eyes had seeped tears for most of the drive to Anchorage.  A cheap motel, no real plans.

“Eve didn’t have e-mail and I tried to call and leave a message, ask her to take care of Tonk,” she told Lisa. “But her phone just rang and rang, like she’d turned off the answering machine. Her cell phone wasn’t accepting messages. I got to a computer at the Anchorage campus library and could pick up my student e-mail. I wrote Monica, said I was sorry again. And asked her to ask Eve about Tonk—but I didn’t tell her where I was going. I didn’t know. I did tell Tan my address when I settled, that’s who sends me the boxes of news. She knew I did it, but she’s still kind Anyway, my mailbox was full of—well, at first I thought it was spam, but turned out most of them really were meant for me. So much for obscenity filters. The Fairbanks Journal had a long article online about it, and the student blogs, I mean, people were threatening me. They already knew I’d taken off, and that sealed my guilt as far as they were concerned. And there were plenty of people who thought Monica put me up to it, and all of her study was in jeopardy.”

“But it worked out okay for her in the end, didn’t it?”

“Yes, eventually. I can’t imagine that it was much fun for her, living down those innuendoes. And from that picture, I’d say Eve did okay. That once I was gone, she got clients back. And…well, they found each other, it looks like.”

Lisa looked thoughtful. “So…Key West?”

“I sold my truck and some other stuff. Bought a ticket to Tampa—it was cheap, one way. I worked in a bar there for just a bit. Bought my scooter and started moving along. Finally demonstrated the Conch Indie for the manager at On the Rocks, and the rest is history.”

“Playing with ice behind the bar, still.”

“Yep.” Ani tried to stretch her legs in the seat. “Did someone really swap out your wax and ruin your chances in a competition?”

“I totally crashed and burned. So much for being the next Rochelle Ballard.”

“I don’t know who that is, but I know you’ll tell me.”

Lisa stuck out her tongue. “She’s the Monica Tyndell of surfing.”

Ani had to smile at that. “Okay, you get points for brevity. Why surfing? Seriously.” Ani was happy to talk about anything but her. The closer they got to Alaska the more she dreaded it.

“It’s unity.” Lisa’s entire expression softened. “Not just head to toe, but the air around you, the board, the waves. If you can move in perfect unity it feels as if you’ll glide forever, powered by your body and the ocean. It’s better than almost anything.”

“Almost anything?”

“I’ve had sex once or twice that was better.”

“Once or twice?”

“Okay, twice. And I suppose Eve was better than glaciers?”

“She made me realize there was more than that. That I could have both was a miracle. Losing both in one fell swoop—I didn’t think anything really mattered. I just put money in the bank and tried to forget I ever had any dreams. The seasons don’t really change in Key West, and time just drifted along. I’m still a little stunned that it’s been three years.”

“It really bites,” Lisa said, “because whoever really took those notes has gotten away with it.” 

“They didn’t take Monica down at least. I just wish the research hadn’t been lost.”

The cabin announcement that they were about to land in Seattle brought a heavy sigh from Lisa. “One of the reasons I never did the Hawaii surf scene is the long flights. I’m vindicated—flying is such a pain.”

“We’re flying a fifth of the way around the world. And we’ll still be in the U.S.”

“Well, it’ll be the second state I’ve ever visited.”

Ani smiled inwardly, thinking about what a shock Lisa was in for. “You don’t get around much.”

Lisa shrugged as she stowed her seatback table in its full and upright, locked position. “Neither do you. Besides, travel takes money and surfing doesn’t exactly bring in the bucks.”

“That would explain the dancing and drink slinging.”

“Exactly. What do Alaskans do during those long winter nights?”

“If you’re lucky, you’re cozy and warm with the woman you love,” Ani said. Images of her and Eve, their first and only winter, flittered through her mind, especially the joy of slowly shedding their clothes on the way to bed. Stopping to laugh, sometimes not waiting for the bedroom. They had done things not considered hygienic in a kitchen. The memories sent a delicious bright fire along her nerves. “The sun’s down, so it’s always time for bed.”

“Sounds heavenly. What do you do the rest of the time?”

“You can windsurf on the ice. You can skydive. You can whitewater raft. Extreme skiing everywhere you turn.”

“All I’m hearing is frostbite. End of story.”

Ani lifted one eyebrow. “We do wear more than a swimsuit to do these things, you know.”

“And once you’re trussed up like Charlie Brown, no one can tell if you’re male or female.”

Ani had never had any trouble spotting Eve’s curves under the green and blue all-weather gear she’d preferred. There had never been any doubt that Eve was female. If you asked her, Alaskans viewed people with more perceptive eyes. There was nothing subtle about Lisa’s swimsuit.

When they finally deplaned, Ani thought the Seattle airport was much like Atlanta. It was designed to look like a shopping mall, but the feeling of being encased in an artificial atmosphere was inescapable. Perhaps it was what living on the moon would be like.

The closer the flight time came for the final leg of the journey, however, the more attached she became to the bronze salmon plaques embedded in the floor and the coffee shops. When the flight was called, she announced that she’d like to stay right there, in the dry, stale recirculated air.

“C’mon,” Lisa said, grabbing her arm, “it’s the last line we have to stand in today. I’m your hot blond girlfriend and I will make sure everybody knows you’re a successful hunk now. If that’s what you really want me to do.”

Ani shook her head. Suddenly it was large in her mind that she might see Eve, see Eve with Monica and Monica with Eve. “I’m thinking it’s probably a bad idea. I think I just want to get my stuff and go. Show you the sights maybe, around Anchorage. We can wait to go to Fairbanks until the last day or something.”

“Nope.” Lisa gave her a little push as the boarding queue advanced. “No way are you chickening out.”

She is a curse for my sins, Ani thought. All the same, she was glad Lisa was there because nothing about the next few days would be easy.

Chapter 7

“There’s a lot of snow down there.” Lisa peered out the airplane window. “What’s the local time again?”

“Almost ten.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. The sun’s not down yet.” Ani leaned over her to look at the vista. Summer—more green than white at sea level. Their flight path was approaching Anchorage along Gompertz Channel, and the water was smooth as slate from this altitude. A rolling vista of ice and granite stretched to the north and due west, edges and peaks washed in orange by the bronze disc of the sun as it flirted with the horizon.

The diminishing light painted most of the area around Anchorage in coal-blue shadows and the white-yellow lights of the city were starting to twinkle, hazy and slow. That meant it had been a warm day. In the winter, those lights sparkled like stars in the cold, dry night. In about two hours, the northern lights would dazzle in green and gold over the Chugach Mountains. She couldn’t wait for her first lungful of clean, cool air.

“Am I really going to see some midnight sun?”

“If you stay awake long enough. I’m planning on crashing. And honestly, we need to get a few things or the place is going to eat us alive. Layers, and you need a serious jacket and real boots. It can be eighty during the day, but afternoon hail and thunderstorms aren’t uncommon. The overnights will be colder than anything a Florida girl has ever felt.”

“Sounds like more delaying tactics to me.”

Lisa must be tired—though the words mocked, her tone was almost indulgent. Ani merely said, “Survival skills.”

The shadows and perspective hid the full scope of the landscape east of Anchorage. For the first time since leaving Ani felt her senses tighten. Her home, this climate where her DNA had been shaped by powerful evolutionary forces, was not a place where siesta had any meaning. Every day took foresight and preparedness—only a feckless tourist could hope to muddle through an Alaskan day. The odds were good that none of the ferocity of the elements would strike in mid-July. But a year-round resident understood that gambling with nature had only one possible outcome: nature won, always. “We’re getting some basic gear tomorrow, before we do anything.”

“If you say so, boss.”

“I do.” She gave Lisa a steady look. “You really don’t know anything about me.”

“I saw the way you ran the bar. You know what you know.”

“Why, thank you. That may be the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

Lisa grinned. “Well, I misspoke. What you know that you know—you know. But there’s a lot of stuff you don’t know you know, and that’s when you muck it up.”

“That makes no sense whatsoever.”

“It does. It’s up to you to figure it out.”

Ani lifted one eyebrow. “Do not ever, not ever, go into a career as a therapist. You’re the type that would take away everybody’s superpowers.”

They touched down with the glare of the sunset painting the inside of the plane coral and copper. Ani tamped down the hopeful feeling she had—nothing had changed. Time had elapsed, and that was all. The Naomi had advanced less than ten inches while she’d been gone and it was possible that people’s hearts were just as frozen. Eve’s heart had thawed—toward someone else.

But the light was so welcome to her eyes. The brief flood of air as she crossed the Jetway into the terminal seared her sinuses and throat. Forget the aircraft diesel, the cloying oil of machinery—this now was air. Real air in her lungs, after so long.

“What’s the hurry?” Lisa kept pace with her as she walked rapidly from the gate area toward the terminal doors.

Ani burst out of the building into the cooling summer night, gasping like a swimmer surfacing from too long under water. Filling her lungs, exhaling, filling again. She got dizzy, leaned over, but kept on gulping in the fresh, clean air.

Hands on her knees, she asked Lisa, “Do you feel it?”

“What? Fresh air? It’s about time. We’ve been in airports or airplanes for at least eighteen hours. I don’t think my left ear is ever going to pop.”

Abruptly Ani had no control over her legs. “I’m…”

“Hey—there’s no falling down in airports!” Lisa supported her to a nearby bench. “What gives? C’mon, put your head between your knees.”

“I’m okay.”

“No you’re not. Don’t make me get a paper bag for you to breathe through.”

Ani, her voice muffled by her knees, said, “I knew I’d feel something, I’m just a little surprised.”

“You’re hyperventilating.”

Between breaths, Ani gasped, “No, I’m not.”

“No wonder she wouldn’t listen—you don’t listen either.” Lisa smacked her hard on her lower back.

Ani’s head shot up. “What was that for?”

“Broke the pattern, didn’t it?”

“No hitting. No more hitting. There’s no hitting.” The world was still tilted in Ani’s field of vision, but her sense of up and down was starting to align with the angle of the sidewalk—but darned if she’d admit it. “I was getting better before that.”

“Good. Can we get our luggage now?”

In spite of her impatient words, Lisa gave Ani another few minutes to collect herself. The sensation of being drunk on air eased, but she still wanted to smile with every breath.

By the time they retrieved their bags and took a shuttle to the car rental counter, it was getting late even by summer standards. Economics required she rent them an inexpensive car and her exhausted body demanded she do it quickly. She was haggling over the model and rate when Lisa derailed the conversation by asking for a cup for water from the fountain.

“I’m afraid of getting myself wet—the handle thingie is kind of wobbly.”

The clerk was pleased to hand over a cup and didn’t get back to his paperwork until after Lisa had thanked him twice and headed for the fountain. Ani just wanted to sign for the car and go.

Lisa was back far too soon to have drunk very much water. “Isn’t it great that we’re being helped by the manager?”

“I’m not the manager,” the clerk said, still pushing at buttons. But now he was blushing.

Damn her, she was flirting with the guy and Ani just wanted to get it over with. She gave Lisa an evil look, which was completely ignored.

“Oh.” Lisa looked so disappointed. “I was just reading about the manager’s specials and all. How do we qualify for one of those if you’re not the manager?”

“I’m the assistant manager.” Blush, blush, blush. “I have some discretion.”

Lisa literally bumped Ani out of the way with an impressive hip shot. “We just got here from the Florida Keys. It’s sunny and warm there and I don’t think I’m going to have much use for my swimsuit. Or my surfboard!” Lord, Lisa could giggle. “So what kind of upgrade could we get, do you think?”

The silence in the four-wheel drive, fully automatic all-weather utility hybrid was profound. They were on Minnesota Drive before Lisa heaved a loud sigh.

“I could have gotten us the Expedition.”

“This gets way better miles per gallon.”

“I’m just saying there is nearly nothing you can’t get from a guy if you squeal over how big something is.”

“Are you sure you’re a lesbian?”

“Hey.” Lisa’s tone lost most of its mirth. “I don’t tell you how to be a lesbian.”

“Point taken. And thank you again. This is a great car and, yes, for the third time, I realize that it’s only costing twenty more a week than the Tic Tac compact they were going to rent me.” Ani turned into the lot of the motel where she’d stayed three years ago. Its chief recommendation was that it was cheap and clean.

“Just earning my keep.”

“I can’t decide,” Ani said slowly, “if I like you because you’re annoying or because sometimes you stop being annoying.”

Lisa fluttered her eyelashes. “Is there a reason it can’t be both?”

Ani indicated the motel. “Maybe you could get us the Presidential Suite?”

Lisa gave the establishment the once over. “I’m a blonde with boobs, not a miracle worker.”

“Allow me, then, to get us two beds and a clean bathroom.”

Though she’d said she wanted to see the northern lights later, Lisa declared the room good enough for her and was asleep within twenty minutes of their check-in. Ani didn’t last much longer. But before she slept she relived her misery the last time she’d been here. She knew that none of the facts had altered, and that trying to tell the dean of the school, or old classmates, or even Eve what had happened, would sound like a lame lie. But that didn’t change that this was home and it felt good to be home.

She turned onto her side, thinking that the slight feeling of dizzy euphoria must still be caused by the air. If it wasn’t the air then she might have to call the feeling hope.

“Well, this is what passes for a beach in Alaska,” Ani told Lisa. The nine a.m. sun behind them was nearly white, stripping everything it illuminated down to its most essential color. She drove slowly along Minnesota Drive where it split Westchester Lagoon from Westchester Lake. Both lagoon and lake glinted turquoise as glacial silt turned the surface opaque. Beyond, the channel was a deep, rolling indigo. There hadn’t been any blue to match this in Key West and Ani was filling her soul with it.

The Belle of the Beach wasn’t pleased. “I’m not saying it isn’t a perfectly beautiful bit of water. I’m sure when bald eagles fly over and baby seals gambol about it’s even more striking. But it’s hardly a reason to settle here. We have several beaches in Key West, and we get to do more than just look at them, and we don’t freeze our toes off.”

Ani had deliberately chosen this route from the motel. The downtown business strip had so far blocked all views to the east. One more turn, though…

“What are you smiling about? You’ve been in a good mood since you got up.” Lisa gave her a suspicious look. “It’s not like—holy crap!”

Ani guffawed even though her own heart felt as if it would burst. She quickly pulled over and killed the engine.

It hurt her eyes to look east toward the sun, but the sight filled up all the empty places—nearly—that she’d carried away with her. The Chugach Mountains filled half the distance to heaven, pristinely white against the sharp morning blue of the sky. They rose from sea level to over thirteen thousand feet and the first ascent began where Anchorage ended. Gilded by the sunlight, they were close enough to touch, and the world, the entire world, seemed in their embrace.

To the extreme skiers who competed on the lower runs every year, the Chugach seemed to say “Bring it on.”

To Ani, the Chugach were too high, and too pure, to care about sparring with humans. They lived too deep for her to see, but she felt the breath of the world when she looked at those mountains, or at Denali, or the endless ice fields further into the Alaskan interior.

There was no other word for living under the mountains but home.

“What the hell is that?” Lisa fumbled at her door and finally got out of the car.

“That’s a mountain. Well, a couple of them. Most places have mountains. Except where you’re from.”

Lisa didn’t comment that Ani was wiping her eyes. Maybe she understood that on top of losing Eve, and her dreams, she had lost this, too.

“There aren’t even words for it, are there?” Lisa sounded a little faint.

Ani shook her head.

“Are glaciers like this?”

“Glaciers are like…they’re the part of this that we get to walk on. They’re the millions of years of history of the mountains, brought down to our level.”

They stood in silence for quite a while. Finally, Lisa stirred when Ani’s stomach growled.

“How did you ever leave?”

Ani realized, then, a piece of the truth. She had never left. And that’s why she had never moved on. “I thought I had to. I thought it was the one thing I could do right. For Monica, because she had believed in me. And for Eve, because she’d loved me and I was going to pull her down with me.”

Lisa muttered something under her breath, then said, “Can we get some breakfast and sit and look some more?”

“Sure. I never tire of looking at it all. But after breakfast we’re going shopping—and I have to make a phone call before we hit the road for Fairbanks.”

* * *

“What do you think, boss? I used to make this in huge sheets, but I scaled it down and added caramelized onion deglazed with red wine.” This was the first recipe Neeka had suggested for the restaurant. She was trying to hide her nervousness, but it still showed.

Eve had another bite of the lasagna before rendering her honest opinion. “This could be some of the best lasagna I’ve ever had. How did you get it so lean? That’s the beauty of it. The flavors aren’t buried under a layer of rich fat content.”

Looking shyly pleased, Neeka said, “Low fat ricotta and feta. Since feta doesn’t melt, it gives a lot of body. I always thought ricotta by itself just went to mush.”

“Well, this is delicious.” Eve had another bite. “The sauce is the key. That is a beautiful sauce you can use in a lot of dishes. Did you think about topping the lasagna with kalamata olives and going a little bit Greek? Neeka’s Greek Lasagna.”

Her face split into a wide grin. “You really like it?”

“Yes, I do. How would you feel about making a full pan for tomorrow night’s special?”

“I’d love to.” All the tension went out of Neeka’s broad shoulders, and Eve adored the way she looked five years younger. Their kitchen partnership was working out great.

“Knock, knock, ladies.”

Eve glanced over Neeka’s shoulder. “John! You’re just in time. Neeka has made the most incredible lasagna.”

She dished out another slice while studiously ignoring the awkward silence and heightened color between the other two. Ever since she’d been alerted to the possible flirtation, she’d seen the signs deepen every day of the past two weeks. Had she ever shown her heart on her sleeve so plainly? Never with Cyndy. It had always seemed like Cyndy was about to leave, and showing that she cared would only make the hurt worse. With Ani she didn’t think she’d ever hidden how she felt. It had worked from the start, and every hour together since. Until that last hour—that one had really, totally sucked. Ani hadn’t given them another hour.

You’re doing it again, she reminded herself. Eyes on your restaurant and not the past.

John Russ’s incoherent sounds of pleasure as he ate the lasagna got in the way of business. “I’ve got two boxes of potatoes and carrots for you, um, oh, this is…tasty…and…rhubarb is starting to come on, and I was thinking you wanted some, so I’ve got a box of that as well…so good, oh, um…”

“Thanks John. I’ll get them. Why don’t you two get some coffee and grab a booth and Neeka can ask how Pelle’s doing in his new job.”

Neeka gave her an embarrassed, grateful, confused, happy look. By the time Eve returned with the last box of produce she was fairly certain that neither Neeka nor John would notice if the roof fell in. She tried not to envy them. If she was feeling a little bit lonely, she had only herself to blame.

The rhubarb looked lovely—time for apple-rhubarb cobbler topped with fresh strawberry sauce. Her stomach made an appreciative gurgle just as the phone rang.

“Hey Eve—tell me you are ready to be spontaneous.”

Monica sounded on top of the moon. “What?”

“A friend of mine has a ticket on a lesbian cruise that leaves from Seattle tomorrow morning, and she just found out she can’t go. She can’t get back a dime and is desperate that somebody at least uses the ticket. I have a damned symposium this weekend but I thought of you. A week cruising down to Los Angeles. First person to say she’ll take it gets it. Your new chef is working out great, isn’t she? You should grab it!”

“Wow.” Eve gave it serious consideration. It sounded wonderful. Who knows, she could meet somebody. “It can’t be completely free.”

“No—the fees to change things to your name are about two hundred bucks, plus airfare. A week of cruising for two hundred. I’ll pay it if you don’t have it.”

“I could do that, it’s just…”

“Don’t say you can’t leave the restaurant for a week.”

“I’d have to leave right now, wouldn’t I?”

“Just about. You have to be at the port in Seattle by eight a.m.”

It was so tempting. She could give Neeka a bonus and maybe not be open for dinner Friday to ease the burden. But that was starting to add up, expense-wise and lost revenue. She trusted Neeka, that wasn’t the point. They were wicked busy some nights and one night of bad service would cost her for weeks.

“Give me five minutes to see if I can work it out, okay?”

Monica sounded disappointed. “I hope nobody else grabs it before then. But I understand.”

Eve was standing with one hand on the phone when Neeka gave a little cry, reached across the table and kissed John Russ on the mouth. Soundly.

A moment later she was rushing across the restaurant, one hand held out in front of her. Something on her hand winked in the light—Eve threw both arms around her in a congratulatory hug.

“You two are pretty darned secretive!”

“Well, we took it slow, but last weekend, we…I was afraid he wouldn’t come around any more, you know how men are after they…okay, you don’t know how men are. You all do that U-Haul thing.” Neeka was trembling and couldn’t take her eyes off the ring.

“Women can be that way.”

“Well, he called, and he keeps calling, and we’re getting married.”

They embraced again. Eve was truly happy for her. Neeka deserved a good man after her first husband’s tailspin into drug addiction.

“Thing is, we want to elope. Right now. His dad is poorly, and we’ve got to go all the way to Bethel. John’s not sure his dad’s going to be with us much longer, and there’s a family gathering already planned. We’d get there by tomorrow morning, get married in the evening and be back by late Friday night. He can’t leave the orchards for longer, not this time of year.”

There was nothing else to say, Eve thought, besides yes. The woman was getting married and asking for a whole two days off. The cruise would have been a little more expensive than she ought to foot right now, anyway, and it really wouldn’t have been fair to dump the Dragonfly on Neeka for an entire week, regardless. It sounded heavenly, though, a lesbian cruise…

“Tell you what, boss, I’ll work extra shifts Saturday and Sunday so you can get some time. You work too hard.”

“You two should have some kind of honeymoon.” Eve quelled the immature kid inside who wanted to claim it wasn’t fair. Neeka was right, she could use a couple of lazy weekend days around home, getting chores done, far more than hopping off on some cruise. She’d save up for one, though. Someday, she’d see palm trees.

“Oh, Eve, I can’t believe you’re turning it down.” Monica was clearly disappointed.

“I can’t get coverage at the restaurant. My chef is gone tomorrow and Friday.”

“Oh. Damn.”

Eve was a little taken aback—Monica sounded almost angry. “What about Tan? She is eager to travel and I think she could pick up and leave with no notice since it’s summer.”

“My other line is flashing—gotta run. Maybe next time, eh?” Monica hung up, leaving Eve staring at the phone in confusion.

Oh well, she had plans to make for tomorrow if she was going to be doing things by herself. She could probably get Bennie to help do prep work in the mornings before he went to his real job.

With a deep breath, she tossed the rhubarb into the sink and started washing. If she worked fast she’d have a plentiful cobbler to send with the happy couple that would do for a potlatch. She’d take time for a full lattice crust. It would reflect favorably on Neeka’s fortunes as a chef. John’s family better like her, Eve thought, because she’s a peach.

Her rapid work didn’t hide the fact that she was vaguely depressed. She wanted to say she was pining for the lost cruise, but when she watched John kiss Neeka goodbye “for now” as if a few hours might be an eternity, it wasn’t a vacation she was pining for.

* * *

Driving into Fairbanks—even with obvious changes in the retail establishments on the edge of town—was laden with nostalgia for Ani. The gray highway wound alongside the Chena River, which was running high this year. Familiar side streets appeared around each curve. She knew where the highway was potholed, where there was a break in the trees for the breathtaking view of the wilderness to the south, and where the best burgers could be had for what a student could afford to pay.

“Hell, this is a long drive.” Lisa stretched in the seat. “Like driving from Key West to Orlando.”

“The terrain has maybe a bit more variation?” She loved driving through the canyons of granite cliffs. Her spirits lifted every time the mountains fell away to a meadow crusted with pines. Peonies clustered along the side of the highway and sprouted from the year-round snowbanks.

“True—that’s interesting, that the highway follows the path of an ancient glacier. When we leave can we stop on the drive more? The waterfalls were incredible.”

“Okay.” Ani didn’t want to think about the trip home just yet.

“The hailstorm was amazing. I’ve been through a couple of hurricanes, and that was equally impressive.”

“It’ll go back to eighty degrees in an hour—or the temperature will keep dropping and we’ll be at forty before sunset. You have to be prepared for either.”

Lisa peered down at her feet. “Thanks for the boots and stuff. They’re a little clunkier than the ones On the Rocks had.”

“Those were glorified tennis shoes, with Yak Trax for traction. These will actually take you up an ice facing.” Ani had to admit, her boots felt heavy on her feet, too.

“True. At least these are pretty.”

Ani hid her smile. Lisa was such a girl. Fortunately, the pretty boots were also good for all-purpose weather. Who was she to deny Lisa pink bootlaces?

“It’s a lot flatter here than in Anchorage. These mountains look puny next to the Chugach.”

“Well, we’re three hundred and fifty miles closer to the arctic, and have come up some in elevation. This basin was at one point a huge arctic lake and it’s fairly level. But the tallest mountain in North America is thataway.” Ani pointed north. “Denali—Mt. McKinley as it’s officially known.”

“I like Denali better.”

“Mt. Everest is native-named Chomolungma to the Tibetans and Sagarmatha to the Nepalese. I’ll take either of those names.”

“What do they mean?”

“Big beautiful mother goddess sacred place only fools try to climb.” Ani grinned at Lisa. “At least that’s my bet. Denali I know means ‘the great one.’”

“Okay—so why did you decide to study here instead of Anchorage? There are a bunch of glaciers around Anchorage, you said, and there you have lots of mountains right out your back door.”

“The Naomi is the glacier my father worked on the most. I spent a lot of time on it during my summers. Plus some of the professors in Fairbanks were more concerned than those in Anchorage with what my father knew than where he was born and his possible politics, so here is where we settled.”

“Is that a riverboat? With a paddlewheel?” Lisa plastered her nose to the window, suddenly wide awake.  

“Yes. They have a romantic sunset cruise and everything.”

“Don’t tell me—you had a perfect date with Eve on it.”

“No, actually. She ate something that disagreed with her and I ended up making her a nest with blankets in the bathroom. Poor thing. But it was still a fun date. I mean…” Ani knew better than to push it with Lisa. Ani didn’t regret any minute of the time she and Eve had been together, in sickness and in health. Except the last day.

“Puking is fun, sure. I’m hoping this is where we’re getting dinner.”

“Your hope is answered.” Ani steered off the highway into the crowded lot of Cheeseburger, Fries and a Coke. There was no need for a menu—the diner’s name gave all the choices.

“So did you make up your mind about the hot girlfriend thing? Do I need to hang on you and smooch your ear?”

“No—no smooching. Just be you. That’ll be memorable enough.”

When she opened the car door the damp, fresh aroma of cedar washed over her. People in spas paid for that scent as aromatherapy, and certainly it washed away Ani’s tension. It was going to freeze later, she knew that instantly. The temperature had fallen at the end of day, not risen, and a distinct chill was in the air. It might even hail again.

They made their way across the gravel parking lot and through the double airlock doors. Ani felt conspicuous in her brand new tech fleece pullover and boots stiff from years at the bottom of a Key West closet.

Nothing had changed at the CF-and-C—seats were still worn and patched with duct tape, tables were still chipped and leveled with matchbooks underneath the scuffed metal feet. The oniony meaty smell coming off the grill was also the same, and it too washed away more of Ani’s tension. It all meant home. She’d known she missed it all, but hadn’t let herself feel it—except when Tan’s boxes had arrived. 

After a quick survey, Ani was relieved to see only one face she knew. She grabbed Lisa’s hand as they navigated the tight space.

“You’re a sight for sore eyes.” Tan scrambled to her feet and gave Ani a bear hug. “I’m glad you came back. High time.”

Ani had expected a sympathetic welcome, but not the bone-crushing hug. Tan had always seemed somewhat motherly toward her, the way she was with all the students. But Tan was younger than Ani remembered. That, or the past three years had changed Ani more than they had Tan.

After a few thumps on the back, she stepped back to introduce Lisa. “She volunteered her moral support without realizing it was an eighteen-hour flight and a six-hour drive to get here.”

“You could have flown into Fairbanks, you know.” Tan sat down again, as Ani and Lisa slid into the booth opposite her.

“I needed to see the Chugach,” Ani admitted.

“As anyone would.” Tan’s nod of acknowledgment brought back all the memories of  why Tan was so easy to talk to.

“They were just about the most awe-inspiring thing I’ve ever seen.” Lisa pulled her half-zip fuzzy over her head. “It’s warm in here, especially after working at the OTR.”

“On the Rocks,” Ani said to Tan. “People in Florida pay big bucks to hang out in a bar made mostly of ice.”

Tan laughed. “How appropriate for you.”

Lisa shook her hair back into place and casually tied the fuzzy around her shoulders. Ani thought she looked odd wearing a tank top given the weather but there were at least three guys in Ani’s line of sight who didn’t think it odd at all. “They had a teensy-weensy problem with the freezer units and we got an unexpected vacation. Ani told me about her unfinished business and it seemed like fate.”

“What she said.” Ani hoped her smile didn’t reveal how nervous she felt. “It just seemed like time to come back and face the music—at least as far as Eve is concerned. We didn’t part well and I’ve always felt bad about that. Now that she’s moved on, it just seemed like time.”

“Opening the Dragonfly I gather was a big deal for Eve, yeah. I’ve only seen her a few times. Last time was just a couple of days ago, though. She’s doing well.”

“She still could have listened,” Lisa said.

“That’s what I thought—”

Ani cut Tan off with, “I could have talked more.”

The waitress stopped at their table, arms laden with plates. “Three?”

“Yes,” Tan said.

“Be right back, then.” She sped away.

Lisa looked after her. “What did we just order?”

Tan pointed at the sign on the wall. “Cheeseburger, fries and a Coke.”

“What if I want a diet Coke?”

Tan said, with a perfect imitation of the waitress, “The only diet drink we got is water.”

“That’s not exactly giving the customer much of a choice.”

Ani relaxed into her seat. No one had started throwing rocks—heck, no one had taken any notice of her at all. Sitting next to Lisa’s nicely filled out tank top kept eyes off her, that was for sure. “Think of it as zen simplicity.”

“I’ve always thought it more of an oracle. You get what they have on the plate. You make of it what you will.”

“It’s an Alaskan prayer,” Ani countered. “May there always be someone to eat your tomatoes.”

Lisa rolled her eyes meaningfully in Tan’s direction. “Now I know where she got her gift of bullshit.”

“It’s in the water.” Tan’s expression was serious, but her gleaming eyes gave her away.

That whole year she had been a grad student, Ani wasn’t sure she’d ever seen Tan so animated. “Life’s been good to you the last few years?”

“Yes, more or less. The job is the same, faculty still need to be reminded of the rules and students still need to have someone hold their hand when they can’t find their paperwork. The cycle of the school doesn’t change. Some of the tools do. Digital imaging is everything. Computers are better. E-mail isn’t as archaic as it used to be—heck, most of the students now have Blackberries and wireless laptops, and half their textbooks are e-books. Radios are back-up out on the ice because it’s all texting and phones since they deployed some kind of satellite two years ago.  I’ve got one comedian who likes to print out directions for me from his GPS that he’s somehow hooked to my printer. How to get from my desk to the auditorium, for example, with step-by-step instructions. Literally.”

The waitress did a drive-by delivery of three tall frosty glasses of Coke. On her next pass she left three identical plates. Ani immediately offered her tomatoes to Tan, who traded her pickle to Lisa, who gave Ani her lettuce.

After several bites, Ani heaved a huge sigh. “I’d forgotten how good these were. I mean, I remembered them being really good, but I’d told myself there was no way the memory was valid. But it is.” The fries were crisp and just past golden, and tossed with salt and pepper.

Lisa licked ketchup off her upper lip. “Maybe tomorrow we can go for a hike or something? I need to reverse two days of doing nothing but sit, and eating like this. I can tell you right now I’m going to eat all these fries. They’re perfect.”

“Okay, we can work something out.” Ani gave her a mellow smile. For this short time, all that mattered was she was home. Everything else could wait. “Why don’t we hike in the morning? Then, um, go see some people.”

“Sounds good.” Lisa turned her big blue eyes on Tan. “Are you free for a hike?”

“Sorry, Thursdays are work days for me.” Tan looked genuinely regretful. “Maybe this weekend?”

“Oh, yes, that would work, wouldn’t it, Ani?”

“Sure. Do you know if Eve still lives in the same house?”

Tan nodded. “I’m pretty sure she does. Most days you’ll find her at her restaurant, I would imagine.”

“Oh yeah—just off the square in North Pole, isn’t it?”

Tan nodded. “I told Monica you were going to be here, by the way. I hope that was okay.”

Ani’s stomach tightened. Monica would undoubtedly tell Eve. That was probably for the best. It would ease the shock. “Sure. I’m glad you did. How did she seem about it?”

“You know Monica. She’s impossible to read sometimes, but she seemed happy to hear it. You might want to see her sooner rather than later because she’s got a symposium this weekend and getting time might be hard.”

Ani nodded and tried not to let the prospect of confronting her past ruin her appetite, but she was too tired and jet lagged to control the unpleasant rush of adrenaline. She made herself finish her burger while Lisa and Tan chatted about the difference between Florida and Alaska. It was a long list, and Ani was spared adding anything more than an occasional, “Uh-huh.”

They were back in their rental, headed for the motel Ani hoped was still where she remembered it to be, when Lisa said, “You made her sound like your mother or something.”

“Who?”

“Tan. I pictured her quite matronly.”

“Sorry. I guess that’s how I saw her.” She gave Lisa a sidelong look. “It gets to be sixty below here. And there’s no surfing.”

“I know. But I thought she was very cute.”

Ani filed that away. Given the golden lioness surfer looks of TBE, Lisa was certainly making a different choice. She supposed Tan was cute, but to a student she’d been a member of the staff. Not someone to flirt with and consider possible dating material, at least not to Ani. “How do you even know she’s gay?”

Lisa gave her an amused look. “How did you know she wasn’t?”

Ani was distracted from answering by an oncoming commercial van the same size and color as Eve’s had been. A decal for a plumbing company didn’t tamp down her abruptly pounding heart. The reality of being in the same room with Eve again was still too much to contemplate. Monica would be easier.

She turned into the Dew Drop Inn. A row of tiny wooden A-frame cabins with a recent coat of redwood stain were hunkered down along a narrow creek. Lisa waited for her to register them and Ani immediately noticed the temperature had fallen another ten degrees since they’d rolled into town. Summer in Fairbanks—only a fool would be dancing on a glacier tonight. If the weather stayed this variable she and Lisa might have to drive up to the Chena Hot Springs to see the aurora display at its best.

“But you promised me midnight sun tonight,” Lisa said as they set down their luggage in the cabin. “Hey, this place is almost the size of my bungalow at home.”

“My kitchen is bigger, but not by much.” They were both joking—the cabin was very snug with two beds and a table for two wedged next to a stove and tiny sink. “I think it’s going to be about thirty degrees tonight, and you’ll freeze your nose off.”

When Lisa begged she was a real pain in the ass, so Ani gave in. It was time Lisa understood that the On the Rocks wasn’t truly cold and the weather in these parts was meant to be taken seriously. There was no balmy tropical world just outside the door. Lisa was like an annoying little sister sometimes, in spite of being older, but Ani imagined Lisa might feel the same way if Ani had wanted to grab a surfboard and paddle out a half-mile before they had left Key West.

She didn’t have any of the “maybe I’m crazy” and “why did I ask her out?” feelings that she’d had the first time she’d brought Eve to the glacier at midnight. She’d acted purely on impulse, asking her out mostly because she had a nice smile and talked like a real person. By the time they’d been twisting and dancing, Ani had felt like there was wind under her and she wanted to catch Eve in her arms and fly. But that was too fanciful, too much like a late-night movie—or at least she’d tried to tell herself that. It had seemed too good to be true: Eat a deviled egg, find the woman who was perfect for you.

She turned into the parking lot, narrating the location and building layout to Lisa. “You’re going to want your hood up and the zipper tight. It’s a wind tunnel until we get on the other side.”

She was gratified by the heartfelt “Holy shit!” exclaimed from Lisa’s side of the car before she appeared around the front. She was about to say “Told you so,” when Lisa burst out with, “Why didn’t you tell me it was freezing out here?”

“What do you think thirty degrees means?”

“That’s too technical for me!”

“I know for a fact I said variations of the word freeze.”

Lisa stalked past her, saying over her shoulder, “Well, you never said ‘Lisa, you’re a moron wanting to go out on a freakin’ block of ice when it’s freakin’ freezing.’ Next time, be clear.”

Ani followed after Lisa and thanked all the fates, every last holy thing she could think of, that she felt not one amorous impulse toward Lisa—surely, she would be slitting her wrists. I pity the fool, she thought, then loped ahead to shepherd Lisa in the right direction.

“The weather haze is going to cut the lights tonight, but you’ll get a sense of how surreal they are. We’ll probably have one gorgeous night while we’re here, but it’s not tonight.”

Lisa’s teeth were already chattering. “I promise, I will wear any gear you tell me to wear. I get it.”

“That’s better,” Ani said. “We’ve got about fifteen minutes before this excursion segues from harebrained to suicidal. Jump up and down and we’ll see if the borealis wants to come up in these conditions.”

She led Lisa along the back path, around the patio—averting her eyes from the drainage culvert that had been the demise of those damned notes—and out to the gate to the glacial access. The wind dropped and Lisa let out an appreciative whistle.

“I can hardly wait to see this in full daylight. Right now it’s like I’m about to walk on the moon or something.” She gingerly left the last step and put her weight on both feet. “Am I standing on it now?”

“Yes. You’re standing on a moving river of ice.”

Breaking into a grin, Lisa mimed riding a surfboard. “Whoa! Big wave!”

Suddenly, light illuminated the patio behind them. A voice cut across Ani’s laughter. “Hey—is that really you?”

Looking over Lisa’s shoulder, Ani had no trouble identifying the woman who stood at the top of the patio stairs. “It’s really me.”

Monica came down a few steps, moving from the bluish safety lighting to the shadows cast by the building and trees. “I’m sorry, I can’t join you—I don’t have my boots on.”

Ani closed the distance and they shared an awkward hug. “I decided if there was music to face, I should get it over with.”

“It’s all old news, Ani. At least around here. Of course you being here will open some old wounds.”

Ani nodded. “I can handle it. As long as no one takes it out on you—or Eve.”

“It took her a while, but Eve got back on her feet.”

Behind them, Lisa said clearly, “Ahem.”

“Sorry. Monica, this is my friend Lisa Garretson. Lisa, this is Dr. Monica Tyndell.”

Their handshake was brief. Lisa said, “I know this is a momentous reunion, but it’s freezing out here. I was instructed to jump up and down or die.”

“True,” Monica said quickly. “Ani, why don’t we get together and talk in the morning? I was just here late prepping for my symposium, but I have breakfast free.”

“I’d like that. Not that I have much to say beyond I’m sorry. I never should have taken matters into my own hands. Corny, but true—honesty is the best policy.”

“Are you sure you want to stir that all up?” Monica’s face was in shadow, but Ani plainly heard the concern in her voice.

“No, actually I don’t. I just wanted to tell you again that I’m sorry I took the notes. And to wish you well in…” Her courage failed her. She just couldn’t say “with my former girlfriend.” She finished lamely with “Wish you well in your future.”

Monica seemed puzzled, which made sense to Ani. Why would Dr. Tyndell need her best wishes? “Thank you for that.”

“Look.” Lisa rubbed her hands together vigorously. “I’m just an outsider. I don’t know how things work here. But it seems to me that Ani’s been hung out to dry for one little mistake and the person who really took the notes got away with it. Maybe they were out to get you, maybe not. But they nailed Ani.”

“Lisa, it was my decision, and I’m taking responsibility for it.”

“I get that.” Lisa looked up at Monica. “I get that once she’d taken the fall there was no reason for anyone else to throw themselves on the mercy of the court. It’s just not right that she lost everything. Nobody—nobody else—from here lost a thing. I don’t get how up here in the land of the mavericks this is okay.”

“It’s not okay.” Monica came down one more step and her face was again illuminated. Ani thought she hadn’t aged a day. “It’s politics. It’s what anyone wanted to believe, not what really happened. The part that Ani played is the only thing people had to hook on to. Public opinion is about as easy to change as the course of this glacier.”

Ani, more miserable by the moment, said, “I should have left them there.”

Monica nodded. “It would have been best if you had.” She touched Ani’s shoulder and gave her one of those long, searching looks. “I’ve worried about you. You never wrote me back and then your e-mail address was purged at the end of the year.”

Ani wasn’t sure why she abruptly felt both relieved and confused. But it was very nice to know Monica hadn’t been thinking ill of her all this time. “I went off the grid, so to speak. I’ve been okay.”

Monica gave Lisa an amused look. “I’d say better than okay.”

“Oh, we’re not—”

Lisa snaked her arm around Ani’s. “Honey, I’m freezing.”

Ani gave her a surprised look.

“Ani, take her home. The lights are muddy tonight.” Monica nodded at the sky behind them.

They both turned to look. Lisa observed, “You call that muddy? That’s freaky.”

Monica was right, the northern lights had risen and were putting on a fairly tame show. “We’ll have to come back. It’s like the beach on a cloudy day. It’s still pretty cool, but—”

“If that’s dull,” Lisa said, “then, yeah, I want to come back when it’s truly exciting. It’s like watching a lava lamp the size of the sky and you don’t even have to be stoned.”

Monica laughed. “I never thought of it that way.”

Lisa gave Ani’s arm a meaningful squeeze. “Let’s head for the motel.”

“Tomorrow for breakfast? At Paddy’s?” Monica went back up the stairs.

Looking after her, Ani said, “Sure. Is nine too late?”

“No, that’s great. Thursdays I have office hours. See you then.”

Still arm-in-arm, Lisa was the one who set a quick pace back to the rental. Once they were inside, Ani asked, “Okay, what was that all about?”

“I’m not sure.” Lisa held her hands in front of the air vent. “Heat please.”

“Give it a second or two. I mean with pretending we were together.”

“I know what you meant. I don’t know why it seemed like a good idea. Let me think about it, okay?”

“For how long?” Ani gunned the engine slightly. Truthfully, she was probably as chilled as Lisa was, but she didn’t want to show it.

“Let me sleep on it.”

“Is this where you don’t want to talk about something and I respect your wishes?”

Lisa had a deep crease across her brow. “Don’t be childish.”

“I’ll leave that to you.”

Lisa’s tone rose. “She creeped me out, that’s why. And I don’t think you’ll ever see it because she has your number.”

Ani knew a case of femme jealousy when she saw it. Monica and Lisa were in the same general league when it came to looks, and Lisa, frankly, wasn’t used to being upstaged. “I have no idea what you mean.”

She had left the parking lot for the main road before Lisa said anything more. A weak trickle of warmth from the vents did wonders for her nose.

“Didn’t you notice that she never once reassured you? Never said she forgave you? Didn’t really encourage you to get right with anyone? Subtly suggested you leave it all alone? Who’s better off if you do that? Not you—she is, though. So far, everything you’ve done benefited her. And I don’t think she wants that to change.”

“What are you talking about?” Ani had to consciously keep her tension from translating to a lead foot on the gas. Lisa was making no sense at all.

“You know who she reminded me of?” Lisa was genuinely agitated. “The Bitch Ex. Only a whole lot more subtle about the Me First policy. The kind of person who manages to make you think whatever it is was really all your idea. It was my idea to put only Tina’s name on the title of the car because it proved we trusted each other, when all it did was force me to trust her. If I didn’t agree it meant I didn’t love her enough. I fell for it, and she used it against me.”

“There is no comparison between your ex and Monica Tyndell.” She gunned the car out onto the highway. This was easily the most angry Lisa had gotten her, and she was getting tired of it.

“Listen to the way you talk about her. Sometimes she’s Monica. Sometimes she’s Dr. Tyndell. Other times she’s the whole Monica Tyndell.  The friend, the authority, the celebrity. And she plays whichever of those cards works. I watched her play all three in five minutes. She’s a master at it.”

“Some people call that charisma.” She cut off Lisa’s heated response. “I don’t get where you’re going with this.”

“When those notes showed up in her office you were the only way out for her. You said it yourself—you got the feeling she wanted you to get rid of them. Then, after you did that, turns out that’s not what she wanted. That left you holding the whole bag.”

“She wouldn’t do that. And you weren’t there.”

“True.”

The silence lasted all the way to the motel, through changing into sleepwear and brushing teeth.

Finally, Lisa said, “I’m sorry if I was harsh. I’m willing to admit that some of my leftover shit was part of why I saw things the way I did. You’re right, I wasn’t there and I don’t know her at all, and you not that much.”

“It’s okay,” Ani said automatically. It wasn’t and they both knew it.

Ani was pretty sure Lisa was taking just as long to fall asleep. She was back to the karma theory—Lisa was along on this trip as repayment for her sins. She could be such a flake, and yet sometimes she did see right through to the heart of things. One hand on her stomach, Ani quelled the queasiness with steady, deep breathing. Lisa had gotten her all mixed up. Things had happened so fast, and she’d misunderstood what Monica had wanted, and she had already been going to take the blame.

None of that mattered anymore, she told herself. It was best left alone. She was just here to get her stuff and go, not fix anything.

But that’s what she wants, the voice of Lisa whispered insidiously.

It’s because she thinks that’s for the best, Ani answered firmly. She closed her eyes and tried to will herself to sleep.

The echo of Lisa’s voice kept her awake for a long time as it asked, over and over, “Best for you? Or best for her?”

Chapter 8

Paddy’s was an establishment so old that it was currently operated by Paddy, son of Paddy, son of the original Paddy. Specializing in pecan waffles, eggs and steaks ranging from venison to moose, it was a Fairbanks institution. Ani stood in the doorway, hopeful Monica was already there. Maybe it was a good thing it had been three years—most of the undergrads at the main university campus had moved on to other schools, and the grad students who hadn’t hired on in the faculty or tech tracks had also left.

There was no sign of Monica, so Ani got them a booth and went ahead and ordered a waffle with eggs on the side. After an extended diet of seafood and lighter fare, she was put off by the idea of a venison steak, and at this hour of the morning. Truth be told, she was missing mango and pineapple. Lisa was right, too—exercise was called for. This afternoon, she thought. She didn’t have to do more than see Monica today if she didn’t want to.

She could hear Lisa clucking “chicken” in her ear.

“Sorry I’m late.” Monica slid into the booth opposite Ani. She was wearing what Ani recognized as her “working academic” attire—trousers, heeled boots, a crisp white blouse under a colorful jacket. She quickly ordered toast and scrambled eggs. “I worked far too late last night. The first event is a cocktail party tomorrow night, but the planning committee meets at three. You know how all of that goes. A weekend symposium always starts at noon Friday for the host.”

Aware that she’d never had a formal meal in a restaurant with her former mentor, Ani hoped she didn’t seem flustered. It was a different dynamic, sitting around a cook fire in the middle of a harsh, forbidding wilderness, everyone in the same cold-weather attire. She was suddenly aware that her jeans and T-shirt made her look and feel like she was still a student. “Thank you for seeing me. I realize this is all old news, and maybe I’m the only one who cares anymore.”

Monica reached across the table. “I care, Ani. I really don’t want you to be hurt more.”

Lisa was full of it, Ani decided, projecting her bitchy ex onto Monica. “After I saw that photo of you and Eve in the Gazette, I realized I was holding on to too much of the past. So I thought I’d try to make some amends with her and give her my blessing.” There, rehearsal had helped her get that out calmly. “None of what happened should have affected her. People were leaving her hateful messages on her machine.”

Monica nodded. “She didn’t tell me about that until a lot of time had gone by. People can be ugly.”

“Has she said she doesn’t want to see me? I won’t force it. If she hasn’t changed the locks, my key will still work. I can get the stuff she kept and get it out of her life. I want to see Tonk, too. If he’s still with us.”

Monica grinned. “I just saw Tonk the other night. But no, Eve hasn’t said she doesn’t want to see you, not in so many words. She’s in a really good place now, though.”

It was as if Lisa had showed up on her shoulder. That’s not a yes or a no. It’s a hint—you have to guess what she means. Guess wrong and it’s your fault.

Ani’s food arrived and Monica said, “Go ahead. Mine will be along shortly.”

“The health and fitness craze has not reached here, I can tell.” Ani moved an ice-cream scoop-sized ball of whipped butter off her waffle.

“Not Paddy’s, that’s for sure. But several really good restaurants in town feature fresh and healthy cuisine. The Dragonfly does as well, even for a more coffee shop type place.”

“That was one of Eve’s priorities, cutting out fat and salt where she could. I bet the food is great.”

“She’s a wonderful cook. The other night I had a shepherd’s pie that was fantastic.”

Ani concentrated on cutting up her waffle. The remark stung, but there was no way Monica could know what the dish meant to Ani. It hurt to think of Eve serving it to someone else, which was ridiculous after three years. “I hope she’s very successful. And you’re very happy together.”

She was spared noting Monica’s reaction to her best wishes by the arrival of the waitress with Monica’s order. By the time she could make herself look, Monica had nothing but her usual composure.

Monica, in her usual tactful way, said, “Our partnership has been successful so far.”

“I’m glad.”

Monica reached across the table again. “Look, Ani, don’t make it harder on yourself than it needs to be. She’s always at the Dragonfly until at least four, and she’s there Friday and Saturday nights. Her chef is off this week, too, so she’s really frazzled. Why don’t you get your stuff today and leave her a note? Let her know where she can get a hold of you. Then it’ll be her decision.”

Ani nodded. “That’s probably for the best.”

“There’s one other thing.” Monica reached into her chic leather knapsack. “After you left I asked around, looking for some kind of opening where your skills might be valued even if there were lingering hard feelings toward you in some circles. I thought you’d be back in touch after a month or two. The Varanger Monitoring Station looks for new technicians every fall. I’ve been to that part of Norway, and it’s incredibly beautiful. The climate is actually milder than here because of the Atlantic drift. Anyway, I know the station director, and he would consider seriously my recommendation. You could start over. It’s possible you could finish your dissertation through the University of Oslo.” She laid an envelope on the table between them.

Ani was literally struck dumb. She looked at the envelope in disbelief. All her dreams could be resurrected from its contents. Okay, maybe not quite all—but most of them. She could do what she loved, surrounded by the landscape that made her heart beat strong and true, and get on with a life she could enjoy. No more bartending, no more humidity and  no more bugs she could put a saddle on.

She would always have regrets. There were things she’d lost she couldn’t have back. But she had a future again. Finally finding her breath, she said, “Thank you. That’s—more than I ever dreamed I’d get back. I’ve been in limbo.”

“I hoped you would get in touch once you settled somewhere.”

“I never really settled. I just lived in one place, that’s all.” She picked up the envelope and tucked it in her jacket. “Thank you.”

“It’s the least I can do, Ani. I don’t agree with what you did, but your intentions were good. You’ve paid enough.”

Something inside Ani settled, just a little. It helped to know Professor Tyndell didn’t hold a grudge and nothing significant enough to mention to Ani had occurred as a result of what she’d done.

Monica insisted on picking up the check, and waved a cheerful goodbye. Ani made her way out to the rental, lost in a daze. She still felt unreal after the short drive back to the motel. Their cabin door creaked open, but nothing—including Lisa—had moved since she’d left.

A wan voice said, “You’re letting in cold air.”

“Welcome to Alaska. It’s two thirty in the afternoon in Key West. Aren’t you going to ask how my breakfast went?”

The figure under two layers of blankets on the bed closest to the wall radiator didn’t move. “How did my breakfast went?”

Ani opened all the blinds as she told Lisa about the conversation. Then she turned on all the lights, too. Lisa hunkered farther and farther under the covers.

“You were so wrong about her. She’s got a great offer for me to start over in Norway.”

Muffled by blankets, Lisa said grumpily, “That gets you out of the way, doesn’t it?”

“I’m not going to judge her for not wanting to complicate her life explaining how those notes came to be in her office. There’s no future for me here, but I get to start over. And my first stop on the journey to the rest of my life is going to Eve’s and freeing her of my detritus.”

“Now you’re talking.” Lisa sat up, blankets clutched around her and hair sticking out at improbable angles.

“Eve won’t be there. I don’t think she wants to see me. I can live with that.” It would take some getting over, Ani knew, but she had to let go. Somehow.

“That’s convenient. More of Monica’s advice? Sneak in, get your stuff and go?”

“Okay, you just don’t get her and I’m not going to fight about it. I feel like I finally have some control, and making this trip has already gotten me more than I thought it would. You’re the one who put bagging the babe on the agenda, not me.” I know she’s out of my reach, Ani thought, and I have to let go of the idea we can go back and start over. “Now I could use some help getting my stuff.”

“I could use some breakfast.” Lisa burrowed her head back under her pillow.

“At this rate, it’ll be lunch.” Ani swatted the thick blankets where Lisa’s feet were. “Get up. I don’t ask for much, do I?”

It took only a little more pleading and the radio tuned loudly to the station that still faithfully played Lawrence Welk’s greatest hits to get Lisa out of bed. At least she got a thank you for the instant coffee Ani made with the supplies the motel provided.  Fussing in the kitchenette helped with the nerves dancing in her stomach.

Eve would be at work. Not home. She didn’t have to see Eve—it was up to Eve. She kept telling herself that, round and round in her head, as she finally got Lisa into the SUV and headed south on Richardson Highway toward North Pole. A pit stop at a drive-thru for a chicken sandwich and Lisa was good to go, or so she said.

The highway was lined with birch and pine sporting new growth. Where Fairbanks stopped and North Pole began seemed a shorter distance than Ani remembered. New commercial buildings had popped up along the highway, and at least one new access to Fort Wainwright had been carved into the dense forest.

“So the North Pole is nowhere near here, right?” Lisa gave the Entering North Pole sign a dubious look.

“Seventeen hundred miles that way.” Ani pointed over her shoulder. “But this is Santa’s zip code. They get hundreds of thousands of letters every year.”

“Oh look—Kris Kringle Lane. How cute.”

“Don’t be snide. It’s no different from Palm Tree Drive and Conch Plaza. Red, white and green instead of cobalt, lime and coral.”

“I wasn’t being snide. I think it’s charming. Can we shop later?”

Mollified, Ani said, “Okay. The frontage on the right is St. Nicholas Drive, and on the left it’s Mistletoe Drive. If you’re good, I’ll get you some candy cane taffy.”

Her heart was racing by the time she wound through the graveled and graded side streets to Eve’s house. It was small comfort to know that Eve wouldn’t recognize the rental if Ani turned tail and ran. But from the foot of the driveway there was no sign of the kind of van Eve probably still owned. She inched closer to the house, noting a new yard fenced off by chain link on the southern exposure. It also looked like she’d redone the cedar siding.

“C’mon,” Lisa said. “She’s not here. How were you planning on getting in? Did you get a key?”

“I’m hoping my old key works.”

“Why didn’t Monica give you one to be sure?”

“I said I had my old one and maybe she knew Eve had never changed the lock.”

At the slam of their doors a deep, resonant bark sounded from the garage, accompanied by the scrabble of claws. The barking didn’t let up through a series of thumps leading to the side yard. Ani realized what the chain link area on the side of the house was and bolted toward it.

Lisa called after her, “Where are you going?”

Ani stumbled to a stop as a heartbreakingly familiar figure lunged at the fence, tail down, barking furiously. Her throat was so tight she had to try twice to find her whistle. “It’s me.”

In moments the volume of the barking redoubled, but this time the tail was wagging hard enough to stir dust. Ani didn’t think twice. She scaled the fence and landed upright on the other side just before Tonk knocked her flat.

“Ani! Holy crap!”

Tonk buried his snout in Ani’s midriff, using his teeth to pull at her shirt and give her a good, tickling shake. Lisa let out a shriek, which stopped Tonk cold. True to Newfoundland instincts, he regarded her carefully, looking for any sign that she needed to be dragged to a safe place.

“It’s okay, boy. She doesn’t get it.” Tears in her eyes, Ani threw both arms around the dog, heedless of the dust and slobber and summer-induced shedding hair. She succeeded in knocking him off balance and they both went over and then, for good measure, her face was thoroughly licked. Since it involved a Newfie, the licking included her ears, forehead and all of her neck in just a few swipes.

I’d bring him to Norway with me, Ani thought, then painfully rejected the thought. Eve loves him as much as I do. After three years, he was Eve’s.

She cuffed his ears and asserted her place in the pack with a firm, “Tonk! Down! Sit!”

Tonk managed to sit for a half-second before rising to dance circles around her.

“Come here, boy. I’ll introduce you to the screamer.”

“Oh, don’t you let that wolf out here.” Lisa started backing away.

“He’s very gentle.”

“Oh sure, he nearly chewed you in half.”

Ani looked down. “My shirt’s not even torn.” She lifted the latch on the gate.

“Ani, I’m serious.”

“Don’t run, Lisa. He’ll chase you for sure. You could be running from something scary and he would follow you to protect you from it.”

Tonk slithered through the opening and trotted cheerfully over to sniff the frozen Lisa. She apparently passed muster as the tail never stopped wagging, and one hand was nosed, suggesting Lisa could play with furry ears if she wanted to.

Ani hefted a pinecone. “Tonk! Go get it!” She threw it as hard as she could, which was a pathetic distance—she’d lost throwing range in the last few years, that’s for sure. Tonk merrily barreled into the thin wood that separated Eve’s lot from her neighbors. “See? Very gentle.”

Lisa was holding her hand out as if she had accidentally touched bat guano. “Oh yes. Very gentle. I got slimed.”

“No, you got loved.”

“I know the difference.”

Ani led the way to the front door as Tonk returned with the pinecone. It looked like it might be the right one, even. She threw it again, and Tonk flew back into the wood. “If my key doesn’t work, I’ll easily fit through the dog door. She didn’t have one before. It’s possible the house door from the garage is unlocked. This isn’t the kind of place where you need big security.”

Her key worked, though, and it was both unnerving and pleasing that very little about the inside of the house had changed. It was still all Eve. Blues and greens accented polished woods, with an antique quilt hanging behind the same sofa that Ani remembered vividly from their first time, and many subsequent times, together.

“I’m going to guess that what she kept is in the garage.” She led the way, aware that Lisa was looking around her with curiosity.

“It’s very restful.”

“North Pole is colder and dryer than Fairbanks—the record low is nearly eighty below, and they get about eleven inches of snow a year.” She waved a hand at the bank of plants as they passed through the living room. “Increasing humidity indoors saves the wood and the skin. Greenhouse through there.” She pointed at the closed door. “It would be forty below and she’d pick us a salad for dinner.”

“Sounds ingenious.” Lisa touched the worn butcher block. “I always wanted to learn how to cook. Never did anything about it, so I still burn toast.”

Ani nodded, her throat once again closed and tight. In their winter together, they had used the woodstove for most of their heating, basking in the warmth as they curled on the sofa. Ani had read her coursework and done the intern’s job of coding undergraduate queries to the professor for the course management knowledge base system.

Many evenings had ended with kisses, and a mutual agreement to retire to the warm bed for warm pursuits. With a pulse through her body like a lightning strike, Ani remembered one night realizing that Eve was simply smiling at her, covered to her chin by the down comforter they shared on the sofa.

“What?” she’d asked.

“It’s tragic,” Eve had answered.

“What are you talking about?”

Eve’s lips had parted in a crooked smile while her eyes looked oh-so-innocent. “My clothes, I just don’t know what happened. They seem to have all fallen off.”

Ani had immediately apologized, repeatedly and thoroughly, for not noticing the theft of Eve’s clothes. Their laughter had given way to a fevered rush of kisses, whispered need, and soft, short cries. The cries echoed in her ears now, another regret, but she could not bring herself to think of the memory as unwelcome. Like nothing else in her life, the thought of Eve’s body—thoughts she’d denied herself but no longer could resist—sent fire through her nerves.

As she led Lisa through the kitchen she could hear the distant echo of something jazzy on the stereo accompanying the sound of Eve’s knife on the chopping block. How many canapés, tarts, tortes, soufflés, pies, chowders, soups, stews, steaks and salads had she tried in that year? Eve would dance over with a morsel to try and Ani would pull her down to deliver a kiss that indicated her rating. Everything Eve made warranted a five-star kiss.

It was easier to breathe and focus when they were in the garage. She hit the button to raise the door and they were joined by Tonk, who made a second pass at Lisa’s feet, then gnawed pointedly on Ani’s boots.

“Sorry, boy, I need to keep them on for now.” She turned in a circle, then spotted boxes lined up on metal-straps-and-solid-door shelving that hung from the garage ceiling. The box closest had Ani B. scrawled on one end. She pointed it out to Lisa. “Eve always was a labeler. The rules of a tidy and organized kitchen.” One of the things that had always fascinated her about Eve’s cooking was that it was science and chemistry—hence the need to label everything, Eve had said— through the eyes of an artist.

The ladder was still kept near the freezer, and Ani lowered a total of seven boxes and two cartons of books down to Lisa. Spread out on the garage floor, she found clothes, shoes and boots she’d forgotten she owned, old toiletries, her clock-radio from her dorm room and what had been, at the time, expensive memory sticks she had used to store her papers and data when moving from computer to computer at school. The best find was her photograph collection. She showed Lisa a few, who commented how like her father Ani was.

“The blood is vivid. My father would say that in Russian but I haven’t a clue what it is anymore. Besides if I did say it in Russian I’d have to chase it with a shot of vodka.”

“Ah—I’ve played that drinking game. Quote a poet, have a shot of tequila. It was a liberal arts college.”

Ani laughed, and toed the closest carton. “It seems like everything is here. She got stuck with the stuff from my dorm room, too. Except this.” She indicated a phone, still in the box. “But everything else is mine and I can’t really think of anything that’s not here.”

“Do you think you’ll keep much?”

“I might. It’s really not a lot to ship back to the Keys and then decide. Heck, my whole life would fit in a van.” She set the unopened box with the phone on Eve’s work counter, and traded her best pair of boots for the ones she had worn from Key West. It felt really good to lace them up.

“Some people think that’s a good thing. You’re free of materiality. If you wanted to go to Norway, you could.” She tossed a smile over her shoulder as she hefted a box. “I’d miss you.”

“Gee, thanks.” Ani was touched. Of course, given that it was Lisa, in five minutes she could be wishing her on the other side of the planet again.

They worked quickly to load the bed of the SUV. Tonk kept pace, tracking them back and forth the whole while.

“Is that it?” Lisa followed Ani back into the house, joining Ani at the kitchen sink to wash her hands. “So you’ve got everything you wanted, right?”

Ani didn’t answer. The relief of Monica’s offer of a career resurrecting job had her turned upside down. She’d wasted three years believing there was nothing she could do, living in suspended animation. A thaw had set in, no doubt about it.

She ought to be satisfied with what she had gained, but no, she did not have all that she wanted. It was damnably frustrating that the moment she had some kind of hope, she hoped for even more. Life did not work out that way. She should take what she had and count herself lucky. Trying to get even luckier would jinx the whole thing.

Lisa went out to the rental while Ani locked the house. She whistled for Tonk and the pang she felt at the sight of his doggie smile and lolling tongue was worse than the last time she’d left. Then, she’d been overwhelmed by circumstances and too many emotions to clearly sort out. Leaving Tonk had just been another blow when she was already down for the count.

It didn’t change the fact that dogs didn’t understand goodbye. She said it anyway, with rib-thumping pats and her face buried in the soft fur. “I don’t think I’ll be back. But you are obviously very happy and very loved.” Then, just so Tonk alone could hear it, she added, “Be a little piece of me in her life.”

Because Tonk was a good dog, a gesture sent him through the gate and she closed it. He promptly ran back and forth along the fence, tail up and snuffling fiercely at the chain link. When Ani dropped in the boots she’d been wearing the last several days Tonk promptly fell into abject adoration. Well, maybe at Christmas she could send another pair.

She turned on her heel and went to the rental, blinking back the sting of more tears.

“I’m not a dog person,” Lisa said after Ani backed out of the long driveway. “I’d rather be petting a human being, female shaped. And I like Key West. Still, I don’t know how you left those mountains, and I surely don’t know how you left that dog.”

Ani wanted to answer as she had yesterday, that she’d felt it was the only way to make amends to Monica and Eve. Honestly, she didn’t know how she’d done it either, except that her brain hadn’t been registering anything but the need to run.

They drove slowly toward town and the buzzing in Ani’s ears grew. Three years ago she had been impetuously moving forward because staying where she was seemed intolerable. Why was she in such a hurry now?

“I forgot to leave a note,” she announced, out of the blue. “Damn.”

“We could go back.”

Ani shook her head. “I can’t…I don’t want to do that to Tonk. To me. I could give a note to Monica.”

“Are you nuts? Even if she’s a saint, it’s a violation of the lesbian handbook to leave a note for your ex with her current girlfriend. It’s just stupid.” Lisa was back in full critical form. “Of course it wouldn’t be the stupidest thing you’ve—oh, look! Santa’s Workshop!”

Caught between laughter and tears, Ani looked. The quaint shops were just as she remembered them. The forty-foot Santa was still outside Santa Claus House, which was still white with red trim and a white flocked roof. In the winter it was picturesque with the light dusting of snow that stayed on the ground throughout the season.  She glanced the other way down the cross-street and her gaze was caught by a bright set of opalescent wings edged with turquoise and emerald, glinting in the noon sun.

“Oh—isn’t that her restaurant? The Dragonfly?”

“I think so.”

Ani had instinctively pulled over to the curb. All she had to do was get out of the car, walk the length of a football field and say hello. That was it. She’d done that dozens of time in her life. It was easy. Walk, then talk. What was she so afraid of?

She sat for a long time, waiting for a sign. Remarkably, Lisa was silent. When she finally stirred she thought Lisa was asleep, but the big blue eyes popped open.

“Made up your mind yet?” Her expression was not unsympathetic.

Ani nodded. “If I don’t do this, three, five, ten years from now I’ll wish I had. I’ll always wonder about what might have been.”

“Good for you.” Lisa rummaged in her handbag. “Hold still.”

“What?” Ani made a face as Lisa messed with her hair. “Ouch!”

“You look like a kid—and not in a good way.”

“No perfume!”

“It’s not perfume—it’s hair spray. Do you ever condition it? It’s like straw.”

Ani tried not to flinch, but when Lisa unearthed a wet wipe and scrubbed it across Ani’s face, it was the final indignity. “Cut it out!”

“You have dirt on your nose, and it might not be visible, but there’s dog slobber all over you.”

“She won’t care.”

“Well, I care. Oh, for Pete’s sake!”

They tussled for a little bit longer, the car rocking as Ani made her point about eye liner and its connection to Armageddon. Lisa finally won on the point of lip gloss.

“Just a touch of it—just a little. You know, you’ve got basic good looks, but if you don’t start moisturizing you’re going to look like a Triscuit when you’re forty.”

Ani threw open her door and scrambled out, her heart pounding in her feet, annoyed with Lisa and not sure she could start walking.

Lisa said calmly, “I think I’ll stay here. I can shop, too. Visit Santa’s Senior Center.” She pointed at the green-roofed building. “‘Cause knowing it can get to nearly eighty below makes me want to retire here.”

Hands in her pockets, Ani tried not to slouch her way across the street and down the sidewalk. The afternoon was warming up and she was comfortable in her T-shirt. There could be a thunderstorm later, given the western sky, but her nose said probably not. In spite of Lisa’s ministrations, she felt dusty and mussed. She’d imagined sweeping into town in the kind of flawlessly casual and elegantly useful outfit Monica always managed. Or draped in leather, looking like a bad ass, with Lisa as a moll on her arm. She had a tan that didn’t stop at her T-shirt line, too. Catching a glimpse of herself she was glad Lisa had worked on her hair. She had a point about moisturizer.

Her T-shirt showed signs of Tonk’s affection. She really ought to go back for something clean in one of the boxes. Except Eve would recognize it and think it was the same old Ani. She wasn’t the same woman she’d been when she left, was she? She stared at her reflection, but it didn’t answer back. Why was that a hard question to answer? Time had passed, so surely she’d changed.

Well, she could hear what Lisa would probably say about that. Sure, you’ve changed. You want the same job, you read the same magazines, you still cry at the sight of the Chugach and would live on a glacier if you could. Oh, and you still love the same woman. Sure, Ani, you’ve changed.

She made herself move on, finally reaching the doorway of the restaurant. The exterior was clean, bright and inviting. Peering through the thick glass, she thought it seemed homey and friendly inside. Ani thought the gorgeous mural was so very much Eve. The whole restaurant was Eve all over. Was that her near the back? It was hard to tell.

What if I don’t have the strength to say goodbye to her again? That’s not the point, she argued with herself. This is her chance to say goodbye to you. You owe her that. Sure, standing here hoping for a glimpse of those blue eyes, maybe a smile a fraction as loving as the smiles she remembered, that had nothing to do with why she stood outside looking in, like a lovesick teenager.

Two men emerged from the front door, contentedly patting their stomachs and discussing politics. Ani took a deep breath, straightened her spine and walked inside before the door closed.

* * *

“To tell you the truth, Monica, I can’t wait to go home in a few hours and soak in the tub, then fall asleep on the sofa and finally drag myself to bed by ten.” Eve wiped excess lemon grass off her knife blade, then scraped the contents of her cutting board into the bubbling pot on the stove. Fresh fish chowder was always a reliable crowd pleaser, and a soup as a special was a great time-saver.

Bennie looked up from his station as he chopped carrots down small enough to fit into the shredder. “What a great love life you have.”

Eve made a face at him while Monica’s voice continued to sound in her ear.

“You work too hard. I feel badly about dangling that cruise in front of you, so I thought a quiet dinner with just a few other women would take some of the sting out.”

“I would be the most wretched company. Maybe next week, okay?” Without much more ado, Eve tapped her headset to hang up. She didn’t have time to reason with Monica.

The back door buzzer sounded and Bennie went to open up. He came back to announce, “Bread’s finally here. You have got to start tipping if you want to get deliveries earlier in the day.”

“It’s the second delivery—they did me a favor coming back with baguettes.”

“Cute delivery guy. Hey, I asked Tim about coming in an hour later today so I could help you out a bit more and he was okay with it. I’m actually kind of enjoying the range. All I usually do is veg and mise en place.”

“Small business, everybody gets to do everything. If I’m ever looking for a working partner, I’ll keep you in mind.”

“Do that.” Bennie loaded the shredder and whirled the crank. “I have some savings. I could buy my way in.”

Eve stirred the soup thoughtfully. It was unlikely that the Dragonfly would ever make enough profit to reward two partners, but what if the storefront next to them became available? First things first—she needed to repay Monica’s share before she could think of letting in an active partner.

The front door chimed and she peeped through the kitchen pass-through as she started on dicing the partially cooked potatoes. Saffron had agreed to come in for a full shift while Neeka was gone, freeing up Eve to be exclusively in the kitchen, and she seemed to be enjoying it—not too bored during the slower afternoon. She’d been perfectly willing to do table maintenance like refilling the salt shakers. Adding to today’s stresses was the fact that the afternoon busboy-cum-dishwasher had had a personal emergency. While it was slow, Saffron had been okay clearing plates and rinsing them, which was decent of her. Maybe some of those oft-promised tax breaks for small business would actually happen and she could sweeten Saffron’s paycheck a little bit. Even a public college was expensive.

Her gaze traveled from her staffer to the customer now being led to a booth. 

Her knife stilled. She shook her head. Her eyes were blurry. A cold flush swept down her spine followed by a hot flash of denial. It couldn’t be. Not after all this time. Not looking like a day hadn’t passed. Not the same pleasing face, not those eyes, not her.

She made herself look again. Her knife clattered to the cutting board.

She felt struck by lightning, twice over. Once with the recognition that it was Ani, alive and well, and again with the unanticipated, but unmistakable reaction from the depth of her being: I can live again.

“Are you okay?” Bennie was adding an olive oil and lemon-lime vinaigrette to the shredded carrots before stirring in chopped dried golden raisins.

She nodded and picked up her knife. It was hard to focus and part of her was gibbering away that she ought not be handling a sharp instrument, but it was autopilot to dice the softened potatoes, lift the result into the cook pot and repeat again with the next potato. If she cooked she wouldn’t have to think about Ani sitting a few feet away, or the feelings that were roiling inside her.

Impossible feelings, that no time had passed, that if only she’d gotten back sooner with the peace offering of the phone they might have talked, they might have solved things, and why couldn’t they try again? Why couldn’t she walk out to the front and slide into the booth across from Ani and say she was sorry? Surely, that was the quickest way to talking and healing. Why couldn’t the next hour be the hour they should have had? Couldn’t they go back in time and do it right? She’d been holding her breath. It was time to exhale.

The door chimed again and Eve automatically glanced. She did a double take—definitely a tourist. North Pole did not see many bronzed golden-haired beauties. Her confusion doubled when the blonde strolled to Ani’s table, collected what looked to be Ani’s car keys, then walked back out the door. Who was she to Ani?

Another peek confirmed that Ani looked pale, but it was under a tan that was every bit as golden as the blonde’s. She and the blonde had definitely been sharing the same sunshine for a while.

She thought she might hyperventilate. Then she was very angry with Ani for upsetting her peace. She’d successfully lied to herself that her only feelings for Ani were regrets and some bitterness. Well, the bitterness was real, and saying sorry wouldn’t fix that. She could own her part, not just say it was okay for Ani to disappear for three years, leaving her alone to cry from Lammas to Christmas, unable to sleep for more than a few hours during the longest, darkest nights of the year. She’d worked hard to construct a barrier between her life and her grief. Okay, so much for the sorry and new chances—she was pissed. She had a right to be upset, even if it was old news and an old flame.

An old flame who didn’t matter, she told herself. She was chopping potatoes and planning her business future and considering getting a real life again, finally. No amount of yearning to find out if Ani’s skin still felt the same changed anything. She was not washed over with memories of those kisses that were never ordinary, and not tingling at the echoes of laughter in the night.

Absolutely not, she wasn’t craving intimacy, for their eyes to talk over coffee and for the warmth of Ani at her back as she drifted to sleep. She wasn’t living in a heartbeat all that she’d known in Ani’s arms. She certainly wasn’t thinking that she still knew it, and felt it.

She felt nothing at all for Ani, and wasn’t this a great time to find out Ani had a girlfriend. And not just any girlfriend. She had a tall, voluptuous, supermodel girlfriend who didn’t smell of cooking spatter and this morning’s shrimp delivery. Wherever she had been living, Ani had moved on to the big leagues.

Saffron dinged the service bell as she said, “One special.”

Eve saw Ani look in the direction of the bell and she ducked back out of sight. You’re a fool, Eve Cambra, and an idiot and a moron and a dolt and…every one of those things twice again. How could she possibly feel that the last three years had never happened? Where was her pride?

She dished up chowder from the simmering pot she’d made earlier, sprinkled it with fresh basil and kernels of corn, then split a piece of baguette and smeared salmon artichoke spread on it. A couple of minutes under the broiler crisped the bread, bubbled the spread and lightly browned the corn. While she waited for it to finish, she got the last of the potatoes into the fresh pot of chowder, stirred and left it to simmer.

When the broiler timer beeped, she let the plate cool just a little as she changed her apron. A quick glance at the small mirror tacked next to the kitchen door said her hair was still neatly in its tie and the blue blouse she wore under the apron was free of stains. “I’ll be back in a minute,” she said over her shoulder. Bennie grunted and went to tend chicken on the grill.

Don’t look at her eyes, and remember the way it really was, she warned herself. Stay angry. Ani had been in love with someone else and risked everything for the other woman. She never really loved you at all. She tried to lie to you. Forgive her if that’s what she wants. But don’t forget how it really was just because she’s still the woman you fell for, and may still love, now that you can feel your heart again.

Okay, as a pep talk that sucked.

She really didn’t have to admit to herself that maybe she still had feelings because it was absurd, not to mention masochistic. She might as well hang a doormat on her heart. Inwardly muttering about her lack of common sense, she used a towel to protect her hand from the hot plate bearing the soup crock and baguette and pushed through the door into the dining room.

As the door swung closed behind her, Ani looked up.

Don’t look at her eyes…oh hell. Oh hell, Eve thought, what am I doing? Who am I kidding?

Ani got up, not even looking at the plate Eve set on the table. Eve thought they moved at the same time, and the hug held nothing back. And clearly, neither of them tried to end it. Eve was holding Ani as tightly as she was being held and dozens of things ran through her mind as she inhaled the never forgotten scent of Ani’s hair and soaked up the warmth that she had always felt in her bones.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. It was the truth, and she couldn’t help but say it because anger and bitterness were not what she felt at that moment, there was just regret. Regret and that other feeling she wasn’t going to name.

As the words passed her own lips she heard in her ear, “I’m sorry.”

Something that was coiled deep, below the years, relaxed. What idiots they were not to have said it before. But that was Ani’s choice, not yours, she thought. You didn’t know where she was, but she obviously knew where you were. The silence was her choice.

She relaxed her arms and Ani let go. She lost the heat of Ani and only then realized that she’d been cold, day in, day out, for the last three years.

They looked anywhere but at each other. Finally, Eve gestured at the table and they both sat.

She was learning that it was possible to feel fifty different things in the space of a few minutes. Her body felt the warmth, her soul the regret, but now her heart had something to say. Seeing Ani had indeed stripped away all the insulation she had piled on her love, but it had also freed her still real disappointment, hurt and anger. “What brought you back?”

“A broken freezer.” Looking as if she needed something to do with her hands, Ani crumbled off some of the baguette and nibbled at it. “I had an unexpected furlough at work.”

She wanted to ask so many questions. “What are you doing?”

“Bartending.”

“Oh, like before you went to GlacierPort?”

Ani nodded. “In an ice bar. Ice sculptures and glasses made of ice, that sort of thing—isn’t that funny? Funny strange, not funny ha-ha.”

Eve nodded. She tried not to smile at those deep, black eyes. Ani had no right to look so…Ani. “I thought about having a place that was super warm inside, everyone would wear swimsuits, including the waitresses. But that was getting a little too Hooters for me.”

Ani broke the bread in her hand into smaller and smaller pieces. “I came back because I suddenly realized how long it had been, and I thought you’d been saddled long enough with my stuff.”

“It wasn’t that much.”

“I know—I already got all the boxes. I hope you don’t mind. My old key worked.”

Mind? She was a little stunned at the presumption, then hurt Ani hadn’t come to see her first. Getting her things had been more important than any conversation delayed for three years. “You saw Tonk.”

“Yes, and he’s doing great. Thank you—I owe you for a lot of Newfie food.”

She shook her head. “No, it’s fine.” She had a sudden fear and it must have shown in her face.

“He’s yours now. I wouldn’t take him away.”

“There are pups,” Eve said, relieved. “You might be able to get one from the breeder.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” She finally gave Eve a fleeting look. “Is this okay? I wasn’t sure if you’d want to see me at all.”

“It’s okay. I’m glad you stopped in.” Glad was such an understatement, though she was also, well, annoyed.

“Monica didn’t seem to think it was a good idea.”

“You’ve already seen Monica?” What more proof do you need, the angriest inner voice demanded. You are low woman on her totem pole.

“Yeah.” Ani’s eyebrows went up. “She didn’t mention it?”

“No. I just talked to her a bit ago.”

“Well, I’m sure she has your best interests at heart. And, I don’t know…it’s all kind of weird now that you’re partners.”

The front door chimed and a group of six or seven soldiers in fatigues came in. Eve jumped up. “I’m sorry, I can’t talk more now.”

“I understand.”

Confused and torn, Eve started to walk away, but Ani’s voice stopped her. “Would you like to talk some later?”

She turned long enough to say, “Yes, I would. I guess I have a few things I need to say. Hang around. We close in a bit over an hour.”

She went back to the kitchen, and just in time. It was shift change at the base, and it was her good fortune so far to be counted as a quick, reliable and affordable source of a meal. She’d set her closing time just late enough to allow those so-minded to get in without feeling rushed.

Two more parties of six promptly arrived. They drained the existing pot of chowder, but fortunately the seafood blend was all that was left to go in the fresh one. In a matter of minutes she was ladling from that one while supervising the prep of another base favorite, fried egg sandwiches on a locally made stone wheat bread, with the lemon-lime carrot salad Bennie had been making.

When she could, she peeked out into the dining room to see that Ani was eating her meal. She had always eaten with gusto, and today was no different. She drained the crock to the bottom and, Tonk-like, seemed to be looking around for more. How could she be so familiar and so dear? It really wasn’t fair that all the things Eve had been initially smitten by were still there, still charming, still attractive. Unfair, unfair, unfair.

She had not envisioned a time when Ani would see the restaurant, be sitting in it. It was the one thing she’d done that didn’t remind her of Ani, and now it would. Another reason to be upset, she told herself. Another reason to make sure she doesn’t stay.

The other good reason not to repeat that long, heartfelt hug walked in the door. Predictably, the tables of soldiers thought Ani’s girlfriend was great eye candy. A lot of good-natured slugging went on between the male and female soldiers. Eve got a clear look at Ani’s girlfriend’s face as one of the female soldiers said loudly, “For crissakes, get your tongue out of my food!”

The retort in reply was, “Only if you get yours out of mine!”

The woman smiled, but ignored the banter. She said something to Ani as she sat down across from her. Whatever it was, it made Ani laugh, and that laugh took Eve right back to a hundred nights. They’d been so right for each other that she’d stopped foreseeing any future without Ani. She’d really thought Ani wanted the same thing. Well, Ani had moved on, obviously, and now Eve could, too. Okay, she was upset and annoyed and relieved that Ani wasn’t dead in a ditch. Relief wasn’t the same as love.

Ani laughed again and it became clear to Eve that she’d been in denial that sex had ever been important to her. The constant refrain from “I Will Survive” that ran through the heads of jilted women had been instantly drowned out by Ani’s laugh. She hadn’t changed the locks, and what had walked out the door had come back and no sex for three years was making Ani look far too good. She should have slept around, found someone else with great kisses. 

Eve made herself concentrate on her food prep. The orders took on variety, which helped. She was pretty sure the seared pineapple and chicken on field greens was for Ani’s girlfriend. She made it the best damned salad to ever come out of her kitchen.  

The soldiers gradually left and the restaurant entered its winding down phase. Saffron stacked a last set of dishes in the overflowing utility area. “So who’s the cute girl you were hugging?”

“Old girlfriend,” Eve answered. She began the wearying job of scraping down the grills.

“She was really sweet. Gave me a nice tip, even though I didn’t bring her the food. Outie—see you tomorrow!”

Bennie tossed his apron into the hamper, grabbed his keys and headed for his night at his usual restaurant job. “It’s been grand. Always nice to leave before the big dishes.”

To Eve’s great relief, the dishwasher arrived within minutes, apologizing for having had to cancel most of his shift, but not wanting to leave her completely in the lurch. “I’ll have this all finished up in about an hour. Kid’s okay, just real shook up. Got clotheslined in P.E.”

“It’s okay,” Eve assured him. She was lucky that so far her staff had proven well-intentioned and mostly reliable. She might have had to have spent the next two hours on the dishes herself, and her legs were weary enough with the constant rocking back and forth that cooking required. 

The door chimed and Eve peered out—they were officially closed. Saffron had forgotten to lock it, obviously. She was surprised to see Tan, and even more surprised at the buff jeans and rugby shirt, a far cry from her usual rotation of tailored suits behind the desk at GlacierPort.

Tan joined the only customers left, Ani and her girlfriend, with an ease that meant that she, too, had already known Ani was back in town. Great—another pang of hurt, another wave of wondering why she let herself care. What truly annoyed her was that she didn’t know how she really felt—she felt so many things and so far waiting for one feeling to emerge the winner wasn’t working. An hour ago her life had been clear and the path to the future planned. Now she was fighting back what-ifs and maybes and if-onlies, and that didn’t make any sense. The sweaty palms and dry mouth didn’t make any sense either. What could Ani possibly mean to her after three years without a word?

She banged pots around until she felt physically somewhat calmer. The clamor in her head hadn’t abated one bit.

When she couldn’t put it off any longer, she took off her apron, shook the wrinkles out of her blouse and checked her reflection one last time.  Not one iota of her makeup from this morning was left and she’d learned from experience that a quick touch-up after cooking food all day turned into blotches.

As she emerged through the swinging kitchen door, she called, “Can I get anyone something to drink?” She poured herself a large glass of iced tea.

There were various assertions that everyone was fine, so Eve carried her glass to the booth.

Ani immediately made introductions. “Eve, this is my friend Lisa.”

Eve sat down opposite Tan, which was next to Ani, after an exchange of pleasantries. Lisa was even more gorgeous up close. She was also older than Eve had thought, maybe even older than Ani, but it wasn’t as if it detracted from an overall very nice package. She was still younger than Eve by probably a couple of years, and way, way sexier.

“We were just talking about where to hike this weekend,” Lisa explained.

“There’s a choice besides the Naomi?” Eve gave Ani a half-amused look. She realized with Tan and Lisa around, she couldn’t say any of the things she wanted. Maybe that was for the best. Lisa was real and maybe pretending there was ease between them all would be enough.

Enough for what? Well, that wasn’t a question she felt like dwelling on at the moment.

“No,” Ani said firmly. “We’re going up the Naomi to the Bradford access, then back around by the south buckle.”

“Don’t bother renting gear,” Tan said. “If I go with you, I can sign it out and the fees are a fraction of the outfitters.”

“Great.” Lisa leaned in so as to catch what Tan was saying. “I could tell you’d be an asset.”

A crease formed between Eve’s eyebrows. Lisa was quite the flirt. Ani didn’t seem to mind, so Eve tried not to mind on her behalf. It was no business of hers. She was not responsible for protecting Ani, and certainly Ani had shown that she didn’t think protecting Eve was important. “I hope you both enjoy your time here. It’s been a pretty and mild summer so far.”

“It was a complete fluke that we made the trip,” Lisa said. “The bar had to redo itself, inside and out.”

Lisa chattered about work while Eve fought a rising sense of tension. Ani’s leg was not quite brushing against her own, and she had only to stretch out her little finger to touch the denim she knew would be warm and soft. She knew every muscle, had so loved resting her head on Ani’s thigh after lovemaking. They were sweet and fevered, the memories she had tried to avoid for the last three years. Memories of talking a little, laughing about something, seeing if perhaps more was wanted in the easy way they’d always had…

She snapped back to the conversation as Ani said, “So I could take that opportunity. It was really great of her to arrange an introduction.”

Tan grinned. “I’ve seen photos of that part of Norway and it’s practically a banana belt compared to here, but it’s really remote. You could probably get a visa to cross the border into Russia, too. The town is just about as close as you can get, and it’s not that far to St. Petersburg.”

Ani smiled as she shrugged. “It’s possible someone whose surname is shared with the largest lake in Russia might get a visa, but I’m almost afraid to inquire. My father never talked about his affiliations, but he left for some reason, and in a hurry.”

“He probably spoke his mind about something back in the days when you just didn’t do that.” Tan leaned back in her seat. “You know, I could use some water. Don’t get up, Eve. I can figure it out.”

“It was really great of Monica to work that out for me. I was very foolish not getting in touch with her.”

Eve wanted to demand, “What about getting in touch with me?” She stared at her iced tea.

Lisa seemed determined to be cheerful. “Well, you’re at the North Pole now, and it only took three planes and eighteen hours in the air.”

“I’m glad I was here,” Eve said. She thought it might do Ani good to realize that she hadn’t been sitting around waiting for her. “I nearly left on a cruise this morning.”

“What cruise?” Tan reclaimed her seat.

“The one that Monica’s friend couldn’t go on at the last minute. She called me yesterday afternoon to ask if I wanted to go. It wouldn’t have cost much at all, but there was no way I could get away from work, not with my chef getting married.”

Tan looked confused. “She called you about a cruise?”

“She didn’t mention it to you?” Eve found that very odd, and was sorry she’d brought it up. “It was a lesbian cruise, leaving from Seattle.”

“She didn’t say anything, no.”

“It’s possible someone else grabbed it. I had to decide then and there.”

“And if you’d accepted,” Lisa asked carefully, “you’d have been long gone this afternoon?”

“Sure. On the high seas for a week.”

“What a shame you missed out.” Ani’s voice was low and guarded.

Lisa seemed stuck on the finer points of the matter. “She called yesterday afternoon? That was before we even got into town.”

“What’s that got to do with it?”

“You told her we were coming, right?” Lisa gave Tan an uncomplicated, but curious look.

“Sure, right after Ani called in the morning.”

Lisa turned her gaze to Ani. “When we ran into Monica last night, she didn’t seem surprised. It seemed as if she was working late, and realized we were out on the glacier, didn’t it?”

Great, Eve thought, she’s already taken Lisa dancing on the glacier. She’ll probably take her on the riverboat, too. Eve tried to rise above the desire to hope it was Ani who got food poisoning this time.

“I’m sure she didn’t—”

Lisa shushed her. “Let me think.”

Ani gave Tan an apologetic look. “Monica reminds Lisa of her ex. Therefore, she’s been trying to hang all her ex’s faults on Monica.”

“The way I see it,” Lisa said defensively, “is that the moment she found out you were in town, she tried to hustle Eve out of the way. Why is that?”

Ani shrugged. “Maybe she was protecting Eve. Didn’t want her to get upset about the past, now that they’re together.”

Eve’s jaw dropped. “Where did you get that idea?”

“It said so in the paper.”

“It said no such thing!”

“It said you were partners.”

Eve let out an exasperated sigh. “This is Alaska. Up here partner means in business together.” Eve almost added something more scathing but Ani was already pale. “Down in Florida maybe it means something different, but not here.”

“But she didn’t deny it,” Ani blurted out.

“TBE,” Lisa said, which made no sense to Eve. “TBE, I’m telling you.” To Tan’s inquiring look, she said, “The Bitch Ex. Took me forever to figure out she would always put herself first and tell anyone anything to stay first.”

Tan frowned. “Monica’s a savvy politician, but she’s not sociopathic.”

“Tell me this.” Lisa spread her hands out on the table. “When did Ani take the notes?”

Ani spluttered, “That’s not—”

“Shut up. If I’m wrong, I’m wrong.” She turned an inquiring look on Eve. “When did Ani take the notes?”

“I know exactly what everybody else knows. She took them right after the accident.” Eve couldn’t keep an edge of bitterness out of her voice. “If there’s something else to know, nobody was talking to me.”

“I know,” Lisa said. “She’s an idiot, but that’s not the point.”

Ani made an incoherent noise.

Tan said carefully, “The notes went missing out on the glacier, and Ani was suspected because everyone else had been searched. When they were discovered, and completely ruined, Ani was thought to have done it to hide her original theft. Nobody has ever suggested an alternative theory.” She fixed her gaze on Ani. “And I thought it strange then, that while other people were saying you took them right after the accident, you denied it, yet it was obvious you were involved. But Monica never said anything about the notebook at the accident site, either. She only said that you had taken them, and now they were destroyed. I have always found her to be very precise in her choice of words.”

Eve slowly turned her head to give Ani a long look. “You didn’t tell me the whole truth.”

Ani, with a flash of anger over her clear distress, answered back, “I was going to, but you didn’t let me. You ran away.”

Lisa held up a hand. “Truce—you two work that out on your own time. I think it’s time Eve and Tan heard the truth, Ani, don’t you? Because I think it’s going to be very interesting comparing notes.”

Chapter 9

Ani felt as if her heart had lodged somewhere in the pit of her stomach. She didn’t want to relive it all again, not after spending the entire journey telling Lisa. But really, she had no choice. It was such a cliché, but the only way out was through, and if she chickened out again, she deserved her fate. She’d already been stupidly wrong about Monica and Eve, and she ought to be happy she was wrong, but she couldn’t be until she’d told Eve the truth, finally.

Lisa was obviously relishing her role as the next star of Law & Order with Eve and Tan as her witnesses. “Monica never gave either of you any reason to think there might be another story?” To Eve she added, “You, the woman Ani was in love with, you who were suffering in this horrible vacuum of silence and didn’t know what to think?”

Eve shook her head. “No, I asked for details and you’re right, I didn’t get anything that wasn’t common knowledge. Like Tan said, it was always ‘Ani took them, now they’re destroyed’ and that was the end of the story.”

Ani spoke through a throat that felt as if it was full of sand. “They were planted in her office. I took them and left them where I thought they’d be found, but they got destroyed instead.” She didn’t dare look at Eve.

“Are you serious?” Tan reached across the table to grab one of Ani’s hands. “Why didn’t you tell anyone that?”

“You know what they would have said. I was the only one who didn’t get searched right away. I got caught, so I ditched them in a panic. Or Professor Tyndell took them and put them there. She was covering for me, I was covering for her. People were saying I’d done it because I wanted to sleep with her, or I already was. Queers, you know, no morality,” she added bitterly. “Nobody was rational, especially me. And the dean, who I really think doesn’t like our kind, by the way, was very scary.”

“You’re right about that. His diversity speeches are lip service.” Tan leaned back against the cushion again.

There was a long silence and Ani realized she was holding her breath. She felt naked and under a spotlight, that a single harsh word from Eve would peel her to the bone.

Eve moved fitfully in her seat, and finally said, “I’m very confused. I don’t know why I’m only now hearing this.”

Ani said again, aware of Eve’s bitter tone and matching it with her own, “You didn’t give me a chance.”

“Monica told me she blamed herself.” Eve was staring at a spot on the table somewhere between her glass and Tan’s. “You said that you did it for her.”

“I did.” Ani coughed to hide a quaver in her voice. “Her work was and is important. She’s part of saving us from ourselves. Those notes being found in her office would have damaged her influence, possibly irreparably. I’d already been half framed. I thought if I arranged for someone else to find them maybe I could get us both out of it. If it didn’t work, it would still be blamed on me. I didn’t know they’d land in water.”

Tan made an aha sort of sound. “Did Monica know about your plan?”

“No. I mean, I asked her why putting them somewhere else to be found would hurt. She said not to touch them, then went to find the dean. I thought I knew better, and took them. And got them destroyed. I was devastated, I mean—it was research.”

Eve sipped from her iced tea, the ice clinking against the glass as she set it down again. “I’m sorry, my brain isn’t tracking. They were planted in Monica’s office? Why wouldn’t she at least tell me that?”

Lisa examined her nails. “Your guess is as good as mine. I find it so very fortuitous that she went to get the dean and yet didn’t tell him she’d found the notebook. Wouldn’t you have said that, very first thing? I think Ani did exactly what Monica wanted. Once Monica thought Ani had taken the bait and burned up the notes, she let everyone think Ani was guilty of the original theft.”

Ani realized she’d never thought about what Monica might have told Eve. “She was protecting herself. Can you blame her? I’d already drawn all the blame onto me by being an idiot and getting the notes destroyed. Why should she tell anyone otherwise?”

The other three women all looked at her with varying degrees of disbelief. Tan finally said, “There’s the issue of her being your advisor, and you being in her care and her obligation to give you basic guidance, which she didn’t do. But I know why she wouldn’t tell me, even privately. I’m an administrator, so I don’t technically work for the dean of the school, but I’ve signed contracts that require me to report academic frauds, like plagiarism, and falsified vitaes to the dean. She tells me, I have to report or risk losing my job if it comes out that I knew. But I haven’t a clue why she wouldn’t have told Eve. Eve was the one person who could have used some comfort. Eve probably doesn’t know they were threatening to make Ani pay back her scholarship. I thought Ani was a kid who’d made a mistake, and would have happily advised her of her rights—been her ombudsman, so to speak. That’s one of the other roles I play.”

Ani ducked her head from the I-tried-to-tell-you-but-you-wouldn’t-listen look that Tan gave her.

“I didn’t know.” Eve turned her glass on the table, apparently studying the droplets on its exterior.

Ani was momentarily lost in the study of Eve’s hands, the strong, agile fingers. Like there always had been, a few tiny burns dotted the backs of Eve’s hands. One of their nightly rituals had been Ani noting and kissing the boo-boos. She abruptly missed it fiercely, though it was such a little thing.

“Even so,” Eve said, “I’m not sure there’s much point to this. What does it matter now?”

“Ani lost everything,” Lisa said vehemently. Ani tried to quell her with a gesture, but she rushed on. “She didn’t take the notes to begin with. Someone else did, and they got away with it. The only person who has ever suffered is Ani. Monica made sure of that.”

Tan was shaking her head. “I don’t see it. I’m not saying it’s not possible. But I don’t see where you get that.”

“I know her type. She exploited what existed.” Lisa turned to Ani. “Why didn’t you call Eve after you went back to GlacierPort?”

“They took my phone.”

Eve and Tan both nodded in corroboration.

“So Ani had been basically under house arrest, with no phone, all day, and neither of you knew.”

Tan nodded. “I didn’t, and I told Ani that was completely wrong.”

“It conveniently made her dependent on Monica for all her news, plus the nimrods who were taping hate messages to her door. And I’m going to bet that Monica is the only one Eve got to talk to besides Ani.” Lisa cocked her head in Eve’s direction. “Did you talk to her? Did she tell you Ani couldn’t call you?”

Eve had stilled. After a hard swallow, she said, “No, quite the opposite. She seemed very surprised that I hadn’t heard from Ani. I’ve never…wondered about that. Ani didn’t have a phone, and Monica knew it, but she thought Ani would have called me. I didn’t find out they’d taken her phone until I got there.”

Lisa steepled her fingers, a gesture that Ani found intensely irritating. “And how did that make you feel?”

“I didn’t know what to feel. Monica told me Ani had taken the notes and it looked pretty bleak, but she kept saying that she thought I should hear it all from Ani. But Ani never called. I thought—I guess I thought she was too ashamed to call me. Or other people were more important.”

“But I couldn’t call.”

Lisa waved a silencing hand, and gave Eve one of those laser looks Ani had learned to be wary of.  “When you talked to Ani and Ani said she’d done it for her accomplished, gorgeous rock star professor’s sake, what did you think?”

 “You’ve been watching too much Court TV,” Ani muttered even as her head was spinning.

 “What does it matter?” Eve leaned forward, arms wrapped around her midsection. “Fine. I thought maybe Ani did have feelings for Monica that she’d never told me about.”

“Let’s get real. You thought maybe Ani didn’t love you.”

Ani gaped. How could Eve had possibly thought that? To her amazement, Eve nodded as tears welled up in her eyes. Ani wanted to pull her close—she couldn’t stand to see Eve cry. She’d been the cause of all the clouds in those sky-blue eyes. Without thinking, she said, “Oh, honey, I wasn’t in love with her. I was trying to save her career, though. I thought it was the right thing to do. How could you think I didn’t love you?”

Eve wouldn’t meet her gaze. “I thought you loved her, and you couldn’t love us both. There was no other explanation for you stealing the notes. That was so unlike you that I thought…”

Lisa was nodding. “It was something so wrong that you thought she had been motivated by the biggest force there is—love. Only love would make Ani steal something from a dying man.”

A tear trickled down Eve’s cheek, and Ani wanted in the worst way to wipe it away with her thumb. “She said so herself, when I saw her. That she’d done it for Monica’s sake. Jeopardized everything for another woman.”

“But that’s not what I did.” Ani swallowed down her own tears. “I moved something that had been stolen. I did it for the professor, the scientist, someone who might help save the planet, literally. Not the woman. I still got the notebook destroyed.”

Tan burst out with, “I still don’t get it. If the secret is that the notes turned up in Monica’s office and Ani inadvertently got them destroyed, then why wouldn’t Monica just say so—to Eve at least. To some folks, here and there. Someone tried to destroy her career, after all. That’s the kind of thing you get into the gossip mill, so the person who tried knows that you know, and they failed.”

“Finally,” Lisa said triumphantly. “Finally, someone is asking the right questions.” She gave Tan a beaming smile.

Feeling detached, Ani watched Tan’s blush start from her neck and work up. She might have commented but she was too flummoxed by learning Eve’s state of mind to say more than, “What?”

Lisa spoke as if Ani were four. “Monica told you one thing. She told Eve something else. She told you that your only choice was to leave or they’d make you pay back a whole lot of money for your scholarship. The two of you never compared notes, and you were so isolated and scared you stopped listening to people who wanted to help, including your girlfriend. I’m saying that Monica didn’t want you to be helped. She wanted you gone.”

Ani felt inside something that was a perfect match to the small, short whimper that escaped Eve. “But why would she do all that?”

Lisa spread her hands. “Because she was hiding something bigger.”

Ani joined Tan and Eve in leaning forward expectantly.

Lisa rolled her eyes. “People, you’ve had three years to figure this out. Took me thirty minutes. Oh, for heaven’s sake. She took the notes.”

Then, as if she hadn’t been clear enough, she added for good measure, “Duh!”

“Prove me wrong,” Lisa said for at least the fortieth time.

Eve looked up from flipping quick salmon hash in her favorite copper skillet. “To be honest, something about Monica has always made me uneasy, so I’m not arguing with you.”

Eve’s unease with Monica was news to Ani. “You never said.”

“It wasn’t important. You admired her very much, but you were with me.”

“I just—” Ani turned to Lisa again. “I just can’t believe she’d do that.”

Tan, who hadn’t stopped looking at Lisa the way Tonk looked at Ani’s shoes, said, “I don’t want to believe it either. But I think the whole cruise thing was a lie, Eve. I think she didn’t want you and Ani to have this conversation, let alone a conversation three years ago.”

“She called again today and wanted me to go out to dinner.” Eve seasoned the hash, then spiraled it out onto a plate. Ani hated the distraction of their talking—she wanted to watch Eve move in her kitchen again. It was a delight to watch her pour art and science into her food like an alchemist, and watch those graceful, precise hands working magic. But talk they must, because the part of her not fascinated with Eve’s hands had a headache to beat the band.

Tan accepted the steaming dish gratefully. “Thanks, really. I was famished. When Lisa called I was about to grab some late lunch, so I skipped it and made up a doctor’s appointment to leave early.”

Eve gave Lisa a puzzled look that she transferred to Ani. Ani met her gaze, but didn’t know what to make of it. Inside, a little voice was saying, with increasing intensity, Monica took three years from you both. She broke something you can’t mend. Every time she looked at Eve, she flushed at the memory of that hug, when their skin had tried to do the talking for them.

“I don’t know why she invested in the restaurant, to be honest. I was catering a party and mentioned that this location was available, just in passing.”

“Guilt?” Tan swallowed a mouthful of hash and gave a satisfied sigh. “Or maybe she wanted to be sure she’d hear if Ani came back.”

Eve, her eyes narrowed, asked, “How do we know her account of the so-called accident is right?”

“Now you’re talking.” Lisa, who’d been leaning elegantly against the counter, made a show of filling a glass with water, placing it on a tray, then delivering it to Tan with a flourish. “How do we know?”

“Inquest,” Tan said, after she thanked Lisa for the water. “He died of blood loss from cuts and blunt force trauma to the lower body sustained in the ice slide. The rate of blood loss was rapid. The coroner speculated he’d only been conscious for perhaps five minutes, and died in less than fifteen.”

Ani was shaking her head, but she was not sure if it was in denial or just a reflection of her rising anger and dismay. “Maybe she just took advantage of the situation. Except she was trapped in the ice too. It was clear that she had been.”

“But she got free, and could have taken the notebook then. Kenbrink was dying, or already dead.” Tan looked thoughtful. “Maybe events just got out of hand. Once she got back, she didn’t know what to do.”

“So she framed me. Didn’t tell me not to leave GlacierPort yet. Didn’t tell me to bring my pack when I came back. Told me not to do anything with the notebook, but dang, she really wished it would go away somehow.”

“Will no one rid me of this ignorant priest?”  Lisa glanced around the abruptly silent kitchen. “Henry the Second? Thomas Becket? Am I the only person here with any kind of liberal arts education?”

“I saw that movie,” Tan said. “The soldiers took it to mean the king wanted Becket dead, so they killed him.”

Lisa beamed. “And?”

“The king denied that was what he wanted.”

“Hell.” Something in Ani snapped. “What’s the point? We can’t prove any of this. You know we can’t. I destroyed the notebook, and it might have had her fingerprints on it—more than just the cover, if she looked through it at all.”

Lisa looked at Ani. “There’s one thing that still puzzles me.”

A ceaseless barrage of disbelief, feelings of betrayal and aching scars of isolation were all pounding behind Ani’s eyes. She wanted to yell something, but if she did she knew she would run out of voice long before her words made any sense. Trying to sound calm, she asked, “What would that be, Mr. Monk?”

“How did Monica get the notebook into her office?”

Ani blinked at Lisa. “I assumed she didn’t get as thoroughly searched, being above suspicion.”

“The dean’s a guy who doesn’t like lesbians, and he knows Monica was alone with Kenbrink for a while. Why wouldn’t he search all of her gear, and her?”

Tan chewed thoughtfully for a moment. “I was a witness, and the search was thorough. Every bit of her gear. A female security guard patted her down, and she was first, to set an example of cooperation. People who were searched moved on to one of the study rooms to wait. She couldn’t have stashed it with someone else, then retrieved it before they were searched.” Tan finished up the hash and took the plate to the sink to rinse. “You’re right, Lisa, I don’t know how she got it into her office by the next morning.”

Eve looked up from drying her frying pan. “I remember that Ani was toward the back of the arriving pack, with the last sled. But she broke away from the main group. I wasn’t paying attention to anything but her. I picked up her pack and took her home. If anyone tried to stop us, I missed it.”

“There was a lot of confusion,” Tan admitted. “Several people got to the parking lot, but there was an assistant there to tell them to go back. I think you two must have been in the upper lot by then.”

Eve nodded. “I always parked there.”

“Do you know when Monica figured out Ani wasn’t there to be searched?”

Tan nodded. “It was late—around ten. Ani wasn’t in her dorm room, and I gave Monica Eve’s phone number from the emergency contact file. She said she called and got no answer.”

The pan clattered out of Eve’s hand with an angry crack. “She didn’t call until the morning. Six o’clock in the morning, when Ani and I were still half asleep.”

Ani watched Eve reclaim the pan with an apologetic caress. She was heartened that Eve remembered the details so vividly. “So maybe she didn’t single me out in advance. I was the front runner in the circumstantial evidence is all.” At first, Ani thought the idea was comforting. It eased part of her consternation to think that if Monica had needed to set someone up, she hadn’t chosen her deliberately. On the other hand, it really felt rotten to have gone through what she did simply because she was convenient.

Lisa went back into her detective mode. She picked up a Dragonfly coffee mug and carried it to the far end of the kitchen. “Let’s say this is the accident site.” She walked back to her previous perch and regarded the mug from that distance. “How does that mug get over here?”

“Someone carries it. Call me Person Unknown.” Tan, with a grin at Lisa, retrieved the mug, moving it to the counter opposite all of them. “Theory one: Monica carried it to GlacierPort.”

“Except that we agree that it’s impossible she got it inside. Don’t we?”

Tan nodded. “I don’t see how she could have. Security was treating it like a drug raid at a fraternity. It was serious business.”

“So we don’t even know how it got to GlacierPort, let alone past security and into Monica’s office.” Lisa picked the mug up and moved it all the way back to the end of the kitchen. “Let’s start with it all the way back at the accident site. Where did it go from there?” She left the mug and joined Tan.

Ani watched them both staring at the mug as if it would suddenly tell them secrets. Her stomach was in knots and she could feel a sick tremor in her shoulders from holding in the incoherence of her feelings. She might have screamed, but Tan and Lisa suddenly looked at each other, back at the mug, then at each other again. They nodded.

“Right, then.” Tan picked up another mug and set it on the counter opposite.

“Yep,” Lisa said. “That’s it.”

Ani couldn’t help but look at Eve, who was giving her a look that seemed to mirror her own. It was Eve who asked, in a steady voice, “What’s it?”

Lisa and Tan shared a mutual sigh of longsuffering. Lisa picked up the second mug and held it out to Ani. “Ani, I found the missing mug. Here, get rid of it for me.”

Ani looked across the kitchen to the first mug. “But the missing mug is over there.”

“Duh,” Lisa and Tan said, in unison.

“Oh my lord,” Eve said. “She couldn’t pull that off. We’re really reaching here.”

“She was desperate. Somehow the notebook got separated from Kenbrink. Maybe she did that—took it from him—maybe she didn’t.” Tan folded her arms over her chest.  “But they’re in her possession and then she realizes she can’t possibly keep their loss a secret. So why doesn’t she put them back?”

“Ice fog. It was freezing and she was lucky to get back to camp. Her own kit was buried,” Ani said, feeling just this side of faint. “Too far down to care about the minor stuff in it, like the radio and GPS. Her own notes were on her handheld, which was in her pocket.”

Lisa assumed a pose matching Tan’s. “Let’s say the Kenbrink notes ended up buried with her kit. Maybe all she wanted was to make sure they got lost. Maybe she took them to safeguard them, then realized that would look damned cold—like she was more worried about the notes than saving Kenbrink. Either way, she decides she can’t tell anyone she ever touched them. But she gets back to GlacierPort and everyone is being searched. She knows the notes won’t be found, so the next place to look is back at the accident site. What’s she going to say when the notes are with her lost stuff? She must have freaked.”

Tan completed delivery of their findings with, “So she needed to spread suspicion around. She had similar notebooks—all she needed was to letter Kenbrink’s name on it. And there was Ani, already under suspicion.”

Ani’s heart was racing. “Why would she fabricate a notebook for me to get rid of? No, it doesn’t make sense. What if I opened it?”

“Think about it, Ani,” Tan said gently. “You didn’t open it, did you? Why not?”

Ani shook her head, trying to silence the clamor. She closed her eyes and envisioned those tense minutes in Monica’s office with the notebook lying on Monica’s desk. Monica was the one who had brought up the boiler room. She’d left Ani alone with the notebook twice. She’d mentioned the problem with fingerprints, and Ani hadn’t wanted to leave more prints than necessary. “I think…I read her cues and she read mine. I didn’t doubt it was the real notebook from the way she handled it. The clasps were closed and I didn’t want to put my fingerprints on them. I knew I only had a few minutes. But I didn’t do what she wanted, which was burn it up and get caught afterward, near the boiler room. I mean, I never asked myself how they found me where they did, just about red-handed. But I had tossed it outside, hoping it would be found. It was sheer, dumb luck—”

Ani laughed, because it was cosmically funny, like one of those Russian folk tales her father had liked, that ended with everybody dead and some evil imp of fate drinking vodka shooters while eating the bones of his victims. “Just my luck, that I destroyed the notes anyway. If they’d been found intact, it would have gotten messy, with her word versus mine that she’d tried to fool me. The real notes, if any of this is true, still exist where she left them. If anything, my idiot luck made it even better. The notebook was found and I felt so awful....”

Tan said, just as gently, “You acted like you’d killed a baby. You were the picture of guilt. I never suspected you might be guilty of something other than taking the notes out in the field. I felt just awful for you. I agreed with everyone else that you would have to leave the program, but even though I was sure you’d done it, it wasn’t fair to me the way you weren’t getting any due process.”

“Monica got her to leave before anyone stuck up for her.” Lisa slowly sounded out, “The bee-yaach.”

Ani couldn’t control her shaking anymore and she leaned heavily on the counter.

“Here,” Eve said. “Let’s go back and sit down.”

Ani found herself back in the same booth, with a glass of chocolate milk.

“Drink, it’s sickly sweet stuff,” Eve said. “You’ve had a nasty shock.”

She did as she was told, feeling both better and worse. Her nerves steadied, but she felt bruised and empty.

Lisa and Tan were continuing to talk about possible scenarios and Monica’s audacious plan.

Ani tried one last time not to believe. She didn’t know why it mattered, except…except she’d believed in everything Monica Tyndell represented. “It’s absurd. I think there’s another explanation. There’s got to be. We just haven’t thought of it.”

“I swear,” Lisa said. “You’d have to find those notes in Monica’s kit bag or whatever it is, before you’d believe it.”

Ani nodded. “Yeah, that would do it.”

“So, okay.”

“What?” She glanced at Eve. This time, Eve looked as if she knew what Lisa was thinking.

“If Monica’s not the total lying bitch sociopath I think she is, prove me wrong. Clear her name. Do the honorable thing.”

“What are you talking about? Oh, hell.” Ani knew that look.

* * *

 “I have a business to run, and I’m not experienced at glacier hiking, that’s why.” Eve stood in front of the Dragonfly with Tan an hour later, still arguing about not going with the three of them on their expedition.

“But you heard Ani—it’s not that far if we take a helicopter to Kilkat Plateau.”

“Tan…” Eve didn’t consider Tan a close enough friend to tell her the real reasons, even if she could sort them out. She’d spent most of their discussion trying desperately not to care. “It’s not about me. Or us.”

“And why not? You and Ani were happy, and if somebody took that from you, don’t you want to find out?”

“Too much, that’s the point. And Ani has moved on. I can’t let myself go back in time. I’m sorry, I just can’t.”

Eve walked away, keys in hand. A headache throbbed just above her eyes, making her squint in the sharp, late afternoon sun. You don’t get do-overs, she had wanted to tell Tan. We were tested and we didn’t pass. Maybe they’d been better off to discover their trust and love was easily cracked after a year, instead of wasting more of their lives. Oh yes, a sarcastic inner voice responded, look what you’ve done with all the time you saved.

All their speculation about what Monica may or may not have done seemed so far-fetched. What was truth and what was fiction? Tears stung her cheeks as she confronted at least one truth: If Ani had asked her to run away with her, she would have gone. A caterer could live anywhere people had parties. Now she had a restaurant she was only just getting off the ground. Even if…she couldn’t leave. Even if… 

She pulled into her driveway without any recollection of the drive home, and pressed the button on the garage door opener. As usual, Tonk burst out from under the rising door, welcoming her. She immediately saw the unopened box with the phone in it, sitting on the workbench. A glance up at the rafters showed she now had some empty spaces for her own things. She tried not to feel the hurt and was completely unsuccessful. She couldn’t even have said clearly what hurt anymore.

She was snuffled and approved as they went into the house together, and Eve gave Tonk his usual portions of dry dog food, and added some chunks of cooked chicken and a hefty portion of vegetable scraps she’d minced before she’d left.

Her eyes continued to seep tears. She felt as if a hand were squeezing at her heart, a pain that didn’t have a name, but she’d felt it before, after Ani left.

The phone rang, and she almost let it go to the machine, but there was the thought—a treacherous one—that it might be Ani.

“Hey, partner. Soaking in the tub yet?”

Monica sounded the way she always did, Eve told herself. “Not quite, but very, very soon.”

“I finally got a minute to call you back. Sorry I had to go so abruptly. One of my speakers was calling, one who wasn’t sure she’d make it. But she can, so that’s one less emergency for me.”

“No worries, Monica, really. I was busy anyway. I was crazy to ever think I could have gone on that cruise.”

Eve had no idea why she’d brought it up, but Monica didn’t seem perturbed. “Like I said, you work too hard. I understand why you had to turn it down. We’ll figure out something else. I have to protect my investment, after all.”

“Aside from the extra work, I’m fine. Nothing a nice soak won’t cure. It’s just for two days.”

“Just another day, then?”

Eve felt a tickle of misgiving. “Yes, right down to the pots and pans.”

“I’ll leave you to your bath, then.”

Her hand still on the phone, Eve asked Tonk, “What was that all about, do you think?”

Tonk answered, but she still wasn’t much good at interpreting dog tail semaphore. Ten minutes later the tub was full and her favorite vanilla rosemary bath cream scented the air. With a sigh she felt all the way down to her toes, she slid into the water and closed her eyes.

Think about music, she told herself. Think about wine. Think about business—think about anything, but don’t think about her eyes. Or her smile, or her arms. Don’t think about the nights where you felt stretched to the stars. Don’t think about the times she cried because she said you were beautiful to watch, to touch, to love.

Don’t think about what you lost. Don’t think.

Not thinking was hard work, she concluded, but she managed for a short while.

It wasn’t until she went back to the bedroom to put on some soft fleece pants and a simple shirt that Ani’s presence earlier in the day became unavoidably obvious. The “treasure” box from the closet was gone, along with the framed photographs she’d put on top of it. Fresh tears threatened, but she willed them back as she moved another box into its place. There, it was as if Ani and her treasure had never been part of Eve’s life.

She was hanging on—to what she wasn’t sure. Hanging on, maybe to the walls she’d built that had let her walk around like she hadn’t lost the most precious thing she’d ever had when Ani had run away. She closed the closet door and turned her back on it, arms wrapped tight around her body, holding herself together.

She might have made it, but Tonk trotted into the bedroom, one of Ani’s boots in his mouth. She wanted to be Tonk, simply happy Ani was back, no worries about all the lost time, living only for now and the next hour, when treats, pets and a boot to play with were all that mattered.

Tonk dropped the boot when Eve couldn’t hold back the sob of pain and distress, nudging at her arm where she was sprawled across the bed.  She cried into her pillow, tears pouring from where she’d held them in for three years, salty, bitter tears, with wracking moans that rose out of the pit of her belly. She hadn’t cried like this, not even in the darkest nights, when the pillow had been an attempted substitute for Ani. Like all those other nights, it was no substitute at all. She’d lost Ani then, and she was going to lose her again.

* * *

The breakfast rush was as busy as Fridays usually were. Bleary-eyed and fighting a headache, she turned out hundreds of Santa-shaped pancakes, complete with chocolate chip eyes and whipped cream hats and beards. Tourists wanted “Alaskan cuisine,” so eggs Benedict, with smoked salmon instead of ham, flew out of the kitchen. Soldiers and their families stuck to basic fare, though Eve hoped the fresh pancake syrups would be memorable enough to recommend the Dragonfly over the chain restaurant further down the highway. Apricot hazelnut and buttered rum raisin were big hits, the latter so much so that she ran out. The trade was winding down, though, so she didn’t make another batch. There was always tomorrow. She would be so happy to see Neeka back.

Even with the restaurant down to just a few customers, Bennie’s arrival was a relief. Lunch trade was just ninety minutes away. He promptly started prep for the regular menu while Eve sorted out and stored all the breakfast ingredients, like eggs and grated cheese. She was in a quandary about the lunch special—normally, she would have worked it out last night, but the evening had passed in a numb blur. A survey of the walk-in refrigerator indicated she would need to go light on all but cheddar cheese until the dairy delivery tomorrow morning. “I think the lunch special is going to be ranch house chicken sandwiches, with smoky sauce and cheddar.”

“Do you want me to pound out chicken breasts when I finish with the pantry and salad stations?”

“Sure—let’s start with two dozen. I was thinking a quick grill thickness.”

He nodded. “Slice of dill pickle and corn slaw on the side?”

“You have a recipe for the slaw?”

Bennie lifted one eyebrow as he sliced through a head of red cabbage. “Of course I do. And it’s called ‘Bennie’s Fabulous Corn Slaw.’”

“Fair enough.” She was smiling when she left the kitchen, aiming for a cup of coffee and a seat at the counter for just a few minutes, after she wrote the special on the neon electric board in the window. Bennie hadn’t given her any odd looks, so perhaps she had successfully covered her red nose and the dark circles under her eyes.

She added a few flourishes to the menu board, then gratefully headed to the coffee station. Her composure was cracked by the sight of Lisa at the counter, halfway through an order of pancakes, with fresh fruit on the side.

She had no choice but to say hello, and sit down. She could politely plead work after a minute or two.

“Ani and Tan went to some depot or supply zone to check out equipment. They were positively gleeful. I opted for a different kind of shopping.” Lisa forked up a bite of pancakes. “This apricot stuff is awesome, by the way.”

“Thanks. Yes, I can imagine the two of them picking out crampons the way you and I would pick out shoes.” Eve smiled, hoping it didn’t seem forced. Up close there was no denying it—Lisa was a beautiful woman, from the bones out. At first glance, just a pretty face, but after yesterday’s revelations, she was the kind of inquisitive, intelligent woman that Ani deserved, though Eve was willing to bet that Lisa annoyed Ani a lot of the time. “Were you kidding, yesterday, when you said you surfed for a living?”

“Not at all. I surf for a living, and jockey drinks to pay the bills.”

“Is that how you met Ani?”

Lisa nodded. “She’s a fantastic bartender, but what a waste of her talents. I mean, she’s constantly telling me about quick-frozen this and suspended air or methane or what-have-you, like if she tells me enough I’ll care more.”

Ani couldn’t help but laugh. Her inner bitchy side wanted to hate Lisa, but she couldn’t manage it. “I remember that well.”

“So, did you really leave because you thought Ani was in love with Monica?”

Eve knew her smile stiffened. “I don’t see any point in revisiting all of that again.”

“She was crazy in love with you. You should have heard her out.”

After a deep, steadying breath, Eve said, “Look, you might be Ani’s girlfriend, but this is still none of your—”

“I’m not.” Lisa had another bite of pancakes.

“Not what?”

Lisa rolled her eyes. “Her girlfriend. I’m a friend. I think that’s how Ani introduced me, too. Down in Florida, friend just means friend. In my case, it’s also permission to butt into your business.”

Eve tried not to look stunned by the revelation. “Ani may have given you permission to butt in—”

“She didn’t.”

“Didn’t what?” Lisa wasn’t Ani’s girlfriend—no, it would not be appropriate to smile, and it was bizarre that a little sprite inside was trying to burst into song.

“Didn’t give me permission. I am an annoying person who thinks she gets permission from the universe to butt in.”

Really, Eve wanted to dislike this woman, but the wide, engaging grin drew a reluctant smile instead. “I’m still not baring my soul to you.”

“Then bare it to Ani. Let her bare hers. Ask her over tonight or something. Talk. You owe her that.”

“I went back, you know. I bought her a phone and went back. But she had already gone.” Heck, I am baring my soul to her, Eve thought. “Monica was there and Ani wasn’t. I felt…abandoned.”

“Of course you did. So did she. She didn’t think she deserved you anymore.”

“How could I know she loved me?” Eve broke eye contact and focused on her coffee. “How does anyone know for sure?”

“I don’t know about just anyone, but in Ani’s case, she loved you so much she trusted you with her dog. Near as I can tell in Alaskan Dykespeak, that means ‘marry me and have my babies.’”

Eve opened her mouth. Shut it again.

“Cool,” Lisa said. “Point to me on that one.”

“You’re really not her girlfriend?” She absolutely, positively did not hear strains of “Love is in the Air” playing in her head.

“Nope. I tried to jump her when we first met, but she’s totally hung up on some woman whose heart she broke. The breakup was sudden and tragic—I think that makes her quick-frozen ice. But she’ll melt quickly.”

Eve decided it would be a bad idea to make an enemy of Lisa. Besides, she was feeling kindly disposed to her now. “I’m not sure that’s useful information.”

“Knowledge is power. So—do you want me to tell her to drop by your place later?”

“No…Yes. I guess. I mean…”

“I’ll tell her yes.” Lisa licked her fork free of apricot sauce before having another bite of pancake. “Enough about Ani. I actually dropped in to ask about Tan. What’s her favorite food? Does she like sex?”

Eve blinked. “I don’t know. I don’t really know her at all socially.”

“There’s no amicable ex I could ask?”

“Not that I know of. I mean, I have no idea who she might have dated.”

“Damn.” Lisa pursed her lips. “Ani was useless too. Didn’t even have a clue what Tan’s favorite breakfast might be. Heck, she didn’t even know Tan was gay.”

“I’m not sure Tan knows Tan is gay.”

“Oh.” Lisa smiled and Eve immediately thought of a cat considering a bowl of cream. “She knows she likes women. Might not have had much practice, but she knows. It’s in her eyes. Did you know that her irises are ringed with an orange-gold? It makes the brown like chocolate.”

“Um, no,” Eve said. “I can’t say that I ever noticed that. Sorry I’m not any help.”

Lisa absentmindedly ran one finger under the collar of her scoop-neck shirt. “I’ll just have to use my wiles.”

Tan didn’t stand a chance, Eve thought. Lisa was practically a force of nature. “I should probably get back to work.”

“Sure you won’t come with us? Tomorrow?”

She shook her head. “I…I’m not sure I’d be any help.”

“I’m not going to be the least bit help, and I’m going. Ani’s looking for one thing out there. I’m looking for something else.” Lisa licked the last drop of apricot syrup from her fork. “What are you afraid to look for?”

Eve wasn’t fooled by the teasing light in Lisa’s eyes. It was a rhetorical question, but one meant to needle her conscience. Much to Eve’s consternation, it did.

Chapter 10

“We don’t need sleds.” Ani looked to Tan for confirmation. “One night, we can live without a generator. It’s summer.”

“I should hope.” Tan gestured at the small stack of supplies and backpacks they already had set aside. “Generators take second signatures. Beacons and GPS don’t, though.”

Ani grinned. “Okay, that’s good to know. We should take two of the ultralite beacons, then.”

“And you can pay for all the consumables and rentals? You’re sure? I can help out.”

“You’re already helping out, because renting this all through the university is a big savings. Besides, I’ve been saving my money for something. Bartending pays pretty well in a place like On the Rocks. I didn’t know what I’d spend it on, but this is worth it. Even if we’re crazy, it’ll be fun to get out there for a night. The most fun I’ve had in a while. And this is a fraction of what people pay to sit on a boat while someone else sails them out to a pretty island and back. They’re stuck with seared ahi salad and baked brie. They don’t get freeze-dried…” Ani peered at one of the packets stacked at her feet. “Freeze-dried vegetarian beef-flavored stroganoff. Warning, contains soy and milk products. No beef. Just add water.”

“And flavor,” Tan added, chuckling. Ani couldn’t get over how much younger Tan seemed—but then she had yet to see Tan in one of her no-nonsense suits. Like the last two days, Tan was casual, today in her U of Alaska long-sleeve polo and cargo pants with more pockets on both legs than there were six-toed cats in Key West. Ani wanted a pair of her own.

Tan’s expertise with glacier hiking was also a surprise, but apparently she’d made a study of it as part of her fitness routine. Tan had muscles on her arms and back that didn’t stop. Obviously, as a student she’d only seen Tan the Helpful Administrator. Tan the Woman was quite a surprise.

Of the ration packets, Ani said, “Ain’t that the truth? I love this stuff. My dad used to make it for me on my birthday.” She had a nostalgic flash of one of their father-daughter trips where he’d demonstrated how to use Tovex for excavation and mix trail rations in their pouches to save the fuss of washing out a pot.

 Planning this trip Ani felt alive all the way to the soles of her feet. She loved the chill air in the supply depot. The above-ground Quonset hut hid an extensive network of underground bunkers filled with everything an ice explorer could want, from rations to sleds to ice axes and crampons of every size and featuring every style of spike. Something about the place made her heart race, probably because every time she’d come here with her father it had meant an exciting trip onto the glacier. She was aware of the texture of the fleece against her skin, the wool in her socks, the metallic smell of the compressed, dried packets of rations. “You packed four of every meal,” she said to Tan.

“She might change her mind.” Tan pulled a small box of flares off the shelf and added it to the pile.

“I’m not going to think about it.” Ani knew she would, though. “If we take one-man tents that’s more weight than one that sleeps three.”

“Probably best for Lisa to go as light as possible. She’s built, but not—”

“That’s an understatement.”

Tan flushed. “I meant that she’s fit, but I don’t think she’s carried a thirty or forty pound pack.”

“True. Most of her exercise is done in a swimsuit weighing about two ounces.”

“Hey,” a voice said from the doorway. “I work out, you know.” Lisa stalked toward them in mock indignation.

Tan’s consternation increased. “It wasn’t meant as an insult. It’s just that carrying a pack when you haven’t practiced much can be a real challenge. I’ve seen buff guys walk crooked for a week after hefting fifty pounds for four miles across an ice surface.”

Lisa draped herself decoratively against the shelves nearest where Tan stood blushing. “I’m glad you weren’t insulting me. I can crack a coconut with my thighs.”

Ani burst out laughing. “I believe it. Come on, help me with the checklist.”

She handed Lisa the clipboard and Lisa promptly compared her list to the requisition form that Tan was compiling. Successful comparison involved Lisa’s hair trailing over Tan’s paperwork several times. She was incredibly obvious, Ani thought, and Tan was a blissful deer in Lisa’s headlights. It worried her, a little, because she didn’t think Tan was casual, and she didn’t want anyone to leave Alaska with regrets. Not this time.

“Eve wants you to drop by her place tonight, by the way.”

Ani looked up from counting out eight flares, not sure she’d heard Lisa right. “Come again?”

“Now you ask me.” Lisa went for an air of innocence, then giggled when Tan snorted. “Sorry, couldn’t help myself. I said that Eve wants you to drop by her place tonight.”

No way, Ani thought. “How do you know that?”

“It came to me in a vision.”

“No, really.”

“I asked her if she did and she said yes.”

“Wow,” Tan remarked. “The direct approach. You actually talked to her, asked a question, and she answered. Who knew?”

Ani decided Tan was spending way too much time with Lisa. “Did you, like, ask her and she said yes, or did you badger her and she gave in?”

“Do you really care?” If Lisa arched her eyebrows any higher Ani feared she would hurt herself. “Before I had brunch at her café, I bought you a new sweater, and you are going to wear it, after you clean yourself up and use moisturizer on your hair.”

“Christ, Lisa. I don’t need a makeover.”

“I think you’re drop-dead gorgeous just as you are, with that whole scruffy tomcat vibe you have. Everybody wants to drag the tomcat home for the night, but she’s not a keeper. A little attention to the rough edges and the sweater I got you says keep me.”

“Lisa, I don’t want—”

“Liar.”

Tan, who had been watching their exchange with increasing puzzlement, interjected, “I thought you two were together.”

“What gave you that idea?” Ani tried to remember how she’d introduced Lisa. Tan was more of a goner than Ani thought, because she’d been completely under Lisa’s spell even when she thought Lisa was spoken for.

“I just assumed…I mean, you were…” Tan’s ears practically turned copper.

“It’s the way they define things up here,” Lisa said. “Eve jumped to the same conclusion. You introduce another woman as your friend, and you’re sleeping with her. Call her your partner and you’re not.”

Tan was still spluttering. “It wasn’t that I…you seemed…I just thought Florida girls were natural born flirts since Ani didn’t seem to mind.”

Ani left them to it. She wondered if she’d have the motel room to herself tonight. She headed for the axes and picks. They’d best bring a few ice screws, and lots of rope of course. Lisa’s laugh echoed off the concrete walls and if Ani wanted to be honest, the puppy inside her was scampering in circles. Nothing, absolutely nothing, seemed to matter except that Eve wanted to see her. She wanted to enjoy the feeling for a few minutes, at least.

They’d hugged, a wonderful, body-to-body hug full of regrets and kindness, and that hug had made her want to believe they could go back in time, or just plain start over, but then Eve had seemed a little cold when they’d left. Maybe not because she was still pissed but maybe because Eve had thought she and Lisa were together and wasn’t it all a mess, and bless Lisa, Ani would buy her a dozen surfboards if she’d managed to untangle some of the knots between her and Eve, and she would never speak ill of tropical weather or surfers again.

Eve wanted to see her. Privately.

Face facts, she told herself. You’re going to stop at a store and get that relaxing shampoo to go with the moisturizer. And you’ll wear the sweater.

* * *

What was hardest, Eve decided, was that she didn’t know if Ani would actually just show up with a knock on the door, out of the blue. She had taken a shower the instant she got home from the restaurant, then had changed her clothes four times. Her hair she pinned back, let out, brushed, rebrushed and finally swept back with a sweetheart bandeau of the kind that Ani had once swept it out of her hair before admitting, her voice husky with desire, that she liked Eve’s hair spread out on the pillow.

The more she anticipated Ani’s arrival, the more her skin seemed to shiver on her bones. No matter how much she tried to check her feelings, it was a losing battle. Her common sense had given up.

She checked e-mail, downloaded credit card transactions for Quicken, tried to focus on writing up Bennie’s darned good corn and cabbage slaw recipe, but mostly she wondered if the wind in the trees was tires on gravel. It was Tonk’s snap to attention that sent her heart up into her throat and made her palms sweaty.

Tonk’s rapturous greeting covered their awkwardness. Of course Ani took off her boots, and of course Tonk worshipped them. In less than three minutes they were in Eve’s kitchen, Ani in her stocking feet, jeans and a deep blue sweater that made her hair gleam like a raven’s wing in flight.

And where, Eve asked herself, do you have any sense at all thinking about how beautiful her hair is, and finding birds to compare it to? So she’s not with Lisa, but it had been three years. They were strangers, all over again. Except it didn’t feel that way. She knew that smile, that laugh, the cadence of that voice. Every glance felt like a drop of light, filling up her dark and lonely places, and no amount of telling herself that Ani had chosen to go away and chosen not to come back until now made any difference.

Coffee made, she carried it to the kitchen table because the sofa had too many memories, all of them treacherously good. “I guess I knew you’d come back. Not knowing when was the hardest part.”

Ani sipped the coffee and set it down. Her fingers curled across the top as if warming from the steam. Eve mused that she had never seen Ani at work. They’d always meant to go on a real ice hike together, but life had been too busy and that summer the weather too uncertain. But she knew those fingers and their power and sensitivity, regardless. She knew if she turned Ani’s hand over, the skin on her palm was taut, but smooth. She knew Ani’s shoulders were strong, not from watching her string a tent during high winds or hammer a pipe into ice, but from her own arms around their breadth. Ani was strong enough to be gentle and powerful enough to pull Eve into a circle of safety, with tenderness she had never known before…  Eve shook herself out of the past.

“I truly thought it was best to leave. I heard the messages on your machine, Eve. I heard what people were saying about our kind. They were hurting you because of me.”

Eve remembered some of the calls vividly. One woman had tried to book her again, a year later, acting as if she hadn’t called Eve a “lezzie.” Eve had politely declined the business. “I didn’t realize you knew. It blew over.”

“Because I left.”

She had a point. Without Ani to vilify, the scandal had been supplanted by something else, and people forgot Eve had been Ani’s girlfriend. “Okay, I can admit that. I expected you to call. I thought you’d…send me a card, something. I had to guess that you meant me to keep Tonk.”

Ani’s mouth twisted bitterly. “As Lisa would probably say, entrusting certain messages to Monica was not my finest hour.”

Eve shook her head. “No, she didn’t say anything.” She closed her eyes, remembering. “And I don’t want to talk about her.”

“I thought I ruined your life. When you told me not to tell you anything more, you said ‘how could you’ and I thought you couldn’t stand the sight of me.”

“I thought you were being like Cyndy. I’m sorry I ran away. I came back. Hang on.” Eve left the table and hurried to the garage. As she returned, she said, “You forgot something when you got your stuff.”

She handed Ani the phone in its box. It was a banal symbol of her attempt to apologize, but wasn’t life full of ordinary gestures that meant so much more?  

Ani put the box on the table, blinking. “You’d bought me a phone?”

“I figured…” Eve cleared her throat. “It made more sense than flowers or a card or diamonds or any of that stuff that’s supposed to say you’re sorry.”

“That’s about as romantic as a set of spatulas,” Ani said with a lopsided smile.

Eve knew the tears in her eyes showed, but she, too, found a smile. “Unless it’s just the right spatula to make brownies for a picnic.”

“Do you feel like…like we failed a test? Like it took a little bitty speed bump to make us doubt each other?”

“And how much could we have cared when so little pried us apart?” Eve nodded. “But, honey, if you’d called me after a few days, if we’d talked—”

“I know, but people still would have left you hate messages, and you couldn’t run away too, your whole life was here.”

What did her fear and pride matter, Eve thought. She owed both of them the truth, if only to let the past go. “I would have. I would have gone with you. You didn’t give me the chance to prove it.”

The skin around Ani’s eyes had gone translucent. She looked bruised and wafer-thin. “I’m so sorry. About everything. About not giving you the chance. About running away. I could hardly make myself go, so how could I force you to go, too? I’ve done nothing with my life but—” Her voice cracked and she swallowed convulsively.

Eve waited. She’d run away before when her feelings had been too intense and scary. This was the same choice, and this time she would sit quietly and wait. Something in her chest was banging against her ribs—probably her heart, but it felt so unreal.

“You’ve gone on with your life,” Ani finally said, her voice strained. “You got the restaurant you always wanted. All I’ve done with my days and nights is miss you. I missed you every minute I would let myself think of you. I missed home, and you were home to me.”

Find your courage, Eve told herself. She closed her eyes, hardly believing she was risking so much sitting at her kitchen table, as if this was any ordinary cup of coffee on any ordinary day. “What do you want to do now?”

“You mean right now?”

“Yes, and…next. Find the notebook if it’s there and then what?” Try as she might, Eve couldn’t find the courage to ask, Will you leave me again?

Ani  knew what Eve’s question meant. She had given herself so little hope, but every little hope she’d had so far had been answered. She was talking to Eve. Eve didn’t hate her. Eve was listening. Eve’s eyes were full of blue light and Ani didn’t want to stop falling into them.

She didn’t have any hopes she dared express, not about the future. There was the past and there was now, right now. “Next I don’t know about. I don’t know what I’ll do if the notebook is there, or if it isn’t. I can’t think about tomorrow. But right now I want to hold you, and remember how good my life used to be.”

After a moment, Eve extended her hands across the table. “Right now I can’t get over the past. I’m afraid…”

Ani curled her fingers around Eve’s, surprised to find them cold, and quickly said, “I won’t hurt you again, I promise.”

Eve made a strangled sound. “You can’t promise that.”

“I can, Eve. I won’t hurt you again.”

Eve’s fingers tightened convulsively around Ani’s. The blue in her eyes was as if the sun had gone behind the clouds. “I’m afraid, Ani, because now that you’re here it’s going to hurt me all over again if—when you go. When you go.”

“If I stay?”

“Can you stay? What about the job in Norway?”

Ani’s lips twitched. “If I find the notebook I’m thinking that job might not be there. But even if I went—I couldn’t ask you to go too. Give up your business, which is doing well, I take it?”

“Very well. All I ever wanted.” Eve’s lips curved into a tremulous smile. “All I ever wanted that wasn’t you.”

Ani studied their entwined fingers for a moment. “I’m having trouble thinking things through. There’s so many what-ifs. But I’m thinking that we can’t start over. We can’t pick up where we left off, though it feels like that’s what we’re doing.”

She saw her words leech the color from Eve’s cheeks. “Then why are you here right now?”

Ani took a deep breath. What was the point of hope if she didn’t give it a chance? She’d lost three years, but the idea of losing any more time with Eve for want of words was a mistake she wouldn’t repeat. “I want to start anew.”

The color came back to Eve’s face. Her eyes lost the shadows and all at once Ani saw the humor again, and the easy, warm light. “I have deviled eggs in the fridge.”

Not letting go of Eve’s hands, Ani got to her feet, and pulled Eve up with her. “Maybe later.”

“This is foolishness,” Eve whispered and Ani pulled her close. “We’ve settled nothing.”

“I guess not,” Ani said. She inhaled the sweet scent of Eve, and felt warm way down in the river of ice where her heart had been hiding. She rocked Eve in her arms, needing no music. “All I know is that this is the most right I’ve felt since I left.”

Eve made a noise that Ani couldn’t decipher, then gently pushed her away. The humor was gone and she was surprised to see tears. “I need some time, Ani. I built some really good walls, and I promised myself I wouldn’t be a fool again. And now you walk in here, and you put your arms around me, and it feels like the very next day to my heart and I want you to stay and I want you to go.”

Ani did what she had so badly wanted to do yesterday. She wiped away Eve’s tears with her thumbs, studying the upturned face. They could kiss, they could even make love, but when they stopped, they’d be right back here with too many what-ifs. She didn’t want to be with Eve and all their doubts. It didn’t matter that her mouth ached to taste Eve again, and a low throb had settled in her pelvis. Parts of her, frozen for years, were definitely thawed.

Eve was shaking her head. “That’s not fair.”

“What isn’t?”

“You being so you.”

“I’m not asking you to forget what I did, Eve.”

“I know. And so far I can’t.” She trapped Ani’s hands with her own, drawing them slowly downward.

Ani held her breath, not knowing what Eve intended, but whatever it was, it was where Ani was going. She felt Eve hesitate, knew she would find Eve’s breasts swollen and responsive—they were both breathing heavy. But Eve pulled Ani close again, wrapping her arms tight.

“I want to.” Eve’s voice was strained with a pulse that Ani vividly remembered. “I know it will wipe the slate clean. But if you have to go again, I don’t know that I’ll ever get over it. So I think it will be easier to get over a few hugs than…finding out all over again how we can be together.”

“I understand,” Ani said. Just yesterday, one hug had been enough. She had thought she had what she wanted. Once again, she knew it for a lie—she didn’t have all that she could dream. Well, for now they’d be grownups, and she owed Eve the least harm possible.

She fetched her boots, thanked Eve for the coffee. She knew she sounded formal and stiff, but she was hoping to hide that she was just a few heartbeats away from begging Eve to touch her again. She’d felt warm, and now that was fading.

“We’re back midday Sunday. Do you want to know what we found?”

“Yes.” Eve’s voice was gentle, but it held new distance.

“Shall I call you?”

“Yes, please.”

Ani turned at the door, catching Eve looking at her hungrily, her face showing everything that Ani felt. Screw it, Ani thought. She pulled Eve close and kissed her, hard. Kissed her with three years of banked need. Kissed her again, more gently, and again, full of confidence that she remembered the caress that left Eve breathless.

“Ani, please,” Eve whispered against her mouth. “Please.”

“Please what?” She nuzzled Eve’s lower lip.

“Please go.”

Cold water wouldn’t have shocked her more. Ani blindly found the door, and was outside in the rental before she could even breathe.

She backed down the driveway and gunned the tires in the gravel, but it didn’t do anything for the pulse between her legs, much less the voices in her head.

“You blew it,” the voices all agreed. “You blew it.”

* * *

What did you just do? Eve leaned against the closed door, listening to the sound of Ani’s car fading into the distance. You could have at least had one last night in her arms, and at least known it was to be the last. What’s the point of denying yourself that?

At the moment, her body heavy with the kind of desire she’d forgotten was real, she didn’t know what the point had been in sending Ani away. Maybe it was just too much like something in some women’s movie—a kiss fixes it all. Well, a kiss didn’t erase three years, and a kiss certainly didn’t change the fact that Ani was probably going to leave.

All Ani’s kisses did was leave her sodden, with clothes that suddenly felt two sizes too tight, and a mouth bruised and seared by the heat of Ani’s lips. Oh, and there was that part about wanting the clothes off, and her mouth worshipping every bit of Ani that she could. Behind her closed eyes she could see them coiled on the bed, skin glistening, and in her ears was the echo of her own cries as Ani moved on top of her and rediscovered the places she’d claimed before.

No, Ani’s kisses didn’t mean much. Eve lay face down on the sofa for a long while, sometimes feeling virtuous and in control of herself, and other times consumed with wanton desires that had all her inner cheerleaders applauding the fact that Eve Cambra was alive again.

Alive and alone with her virtuous common sense—yeah, sure, that was living. She didn’t want to get hurt again and so she’d taken steps to prevent it. It was like having a fire extinguisher in the kitchen, sane and rational and safe. Well, she’d never had a fire in the kitchen that matched the one she felt burning along the nape of her neck at the memory of the times Ani had nuzzled there.

She made herself work on the books, counting on inflows and outgoes to provide some libido-freezing magic. The price of milk was out of control. Rice was up ten percent in the last six months, but couscous was level. She did not want Ani to kiss her again, and decide for them. In September there would still be fresh pears, and she had a source of avocados for about three weeks. She could do Mexican salads and entrees. And she couldn’t feel Ani pressing her down, onto the bed, overwhelming that stupid voice of common sense. Guacamole, what a treat.

Finally, in a frenzied dance of denial-capitulation, she called Tan, hung up. Then called her again.

“Sorry,” Eve said. “Yes, that was me. The line was funny, so I called back.” Lies, all lies.

“No worries,” Tan said. “Have you changed your mind? Did you see Ani?”

“I did, and we talked and she doesn’t know but I guess, yes, I’ll go. I mean…if I can get my chef settled, I’ll go. But I won’t know for sure until tomorrow morning, so please don’t tell Ani. I don’t want her to be disappointed. I…could you tell me where you’ll be?”

“We’ve got a helicopter booked for eleven a.m. I was hoping you’d come and I packed rations for you. I’ll drop back in the morning and make sure we’ve got shelter and a backpack for you. Bringing Tonk?”

“If I can make it, yes, I’ll bring Tonk. He’ll love it.” That’s right, all about making Tonk happy. Nothing to do with the pulse she couldn’t ignore and the tremulous hope that was building in her heart.

“Well, how about this? Why don’t I stop in at the Dragonfly around nine thirty and collect Tonk either way?”

“Oh.” Eve debated for only a moment. “Yes, that’s great. Ani will love having him with her. And by then I should know if I can join you.” Eve knew that it would take nothing short of Neeka not showing up to keep her from going on the expedition at this point, but she wasn’t admitting that, least of all to herself.

Her common sense had gone so far out the door that after she hung up, she called Neeka’s cell phone.

Neeka sounded weary, but confirmed she’d be back. “We’re just an hour from home. It was quite a whirlwind, boss, but I’m a respectable married lady again.”

“That’s wonderful.” Eve really was pleased for her. “Are you sure you want to come back to work tomorrow?”

“I have to.” Eve heard John muttering something, then the sounds of Neeka’s sons’ raucous laughter flowed through the phone. “If I don’t John won’t go to work either and that would be bad for the orchard. If you get my meaning.”

Everyone in their car apparently got her meaning and Eve grinned into the phone. “I understand. Then I’ll see you in the morning. Bennie is set to help out, too, and I was thinking I might take the weekend off, as you suggested.”

“You do that—you deserve it. You’ve got nothing to worry about, especially if I have that diva with a knife helping me.”

It was an apt description of Bennie, and Eve quickly called him just to be sure he wouldn’t mind working with Neeka. He was fine, everybody was fine, there was no reason not to go.

Except for the original reasons of the heart—her accursed common sense continued to object. So Eve told it to shut up, had a small snifter of brandy, finished paying her bills and took herself to bed. Thanks to the brandy she fell asleep quickly. When she woke she tried to pretend it was any other day, but her reflection showed a woman who knew she’d had wonderful dreams.

Chapter 11

“Tan will be here, don’t worry.” Ani slung her pack into the netting at the back of the Dawson Denali Tours cargo helicopter and pointed out where Lisa should store hers. “We’ve got ten minutes before we go on the pilot’s clock. Are you sure you don’t know where she went?”

“Not a clue. And I can’t believe I spent the night at the motel with you. I thought for sure she’d ask me out, and we’d…you know. But she said she needed to work. What kind of horse-hooey is that?”

“The horse-hooey of someone who works, and has Things To Do. Tan is really devoted to her job.”

Lisa got the pack situated where Ani indicated, and locked it into place. “Well, she’s dense. But the pilot’s cute.”

“She’s very straight.”

“Are you sure?”

“Four kids. What do you think?”

“Then she shouldn’t be wearing flannel and boots. It gives a girl the wrong idea.” Lisa’s pout didn’t hide a slight tremor in her voice.

Ani took pity on her. Lisa hadn’t been out of Florida before, and now she was going into a completely foreign environment, via helicopter—and she’d never been in one of those either. “Well, in Key West, all the girls wear the same slinky swimsuits, so gaydar is equally ineffective. I didn’t peg you, not right away at least. When you hit on me, then I thought, yes, she’s gay.”

“I’m thinking that all in all, I might forgive Kirsten her little Ani-goes-home-with-anybody joke. It’s worked out okay for me, if the next two days don’t kill me.” Lisa grinned and gestured at her bona fide, sub-zero rated snowsuit. The bright, showy green had been Lisa’s choice, whereas Ani had defaulted to serviceable white and navy blue. “The problem with this gear is that it’s harder to read people, period. Harder to read body language.”

Ani nodded. “I noticed, but so far, less clothing’s the only thing I miss about the tropical climate.”

Meg Dawson, who had been a chopper pilot for as long as Ani could remember, hollered from inside the hanger, “You just tell me when you’re all there.”

“Will do,” Ani called back. “You’re going to love the flight,” she told Lisa. “These copters are workhorses, and very stable in the air. This old Bell can take four sleds, sixteen dogs, just as many people and all the accompanying gear, without breaking a sweat. We’re just an outing in the park. The smaller craft are all out with tourists.”

She was relieved to see Tan’s Subaru turn into the gate at the far end of the private field. “Look. You can breathe now.”

She went to greet Tan as she parked. She was most of the way to the car when realized there was someone in the passenger seat. Someone with yellow hair.

She was so rapt in making absolutely sure that it was Eve before she let the little imp inside her yodel for joy that she didn’t see Tonk coming. Next thing she knew she’d been tackled to the ground and promptly licked all over. Eve was standing over her laughing.

“He’s not supposed to jump on people,” Ani protested. She hoped her high color could be put down to the doggy attack.

“You’re not people. You’re part of the pack.”

“I’m the Alpha dog.”

She thought Eve muttered, “In your own mind, maybe,” but she wasn’t sure.

Ani cuffed Tonk fondly, then managed to get up. She could forgive it, especially since yesterday she’d rolled around with Tonk during their reunion. She sought something brilliant to say, but could only come up with a lame, “You changed your mind.”

“Yes.” Then Eve blushed.

Ani could not ever remember making Eve blush before. It had always been the other way around.

Tan had said something to Lisa, who had of course laughed, then she made a few trips from her car to the helicopter. On the last trip she said to Ani, “I swapped out the three-man tent for two two-mans. Warmest arrangement for the least weight.”

“Okay,” Ani said vaguely. Eve was outfitted properly in a light blue snowsuit, so Tan had obviously stopped at the depot. A pack ideal for carrying about thirty pounds and suited to Eve’s height joined the others. “Do we have enough rations?”

“Yes, including for Tonk. Eve’s got the bulk of that, water bowl, plus tarps, but we might need to redistribute.”

Ani nodded absently. Eve kept looking at her. She felt positively goofy. The feeling continued as they got their safety briefing from Meg, fixed Tonk with a flight harness, and buckled into their seats along the two rows of benches in the middle of the cargo area. Ani hadn’t consciously chosen to sit opposite Eve. All she knew was that after she buckled up she’d looked up to see Eve gazing at her, and the look could have ignited the air.

The lurch in the pit of her stomach as the copter skids left the ground was remarkably similar to how that look from Eve made her feel.

She wasn’t so oblivious that she didn’t notice Lisa and Tan playing footsie. Lisa, in spite of warnings, hadn’t zipped her snowsuit jacket all the way, and darned if she hadn’t found a way to show cleavage. Tan, even through sun goggles, looked dazzled. All Lisa wanted from life, she had said, was to be on someone’s pedestal. To Ani, it looked like Lisa was there. For at least the next week.

It didn’t pay to think any farther into the future than their landing. She was the trek leader, the one with the experience. They were all relying on her to keep them safe. She was glad of Tonk—dogs had uncanny instincts on the ice, and Tonk’s breeding was sound. He would shy away from thin ice over crevasses and give warnings in the remote chance of wildlife. Her job was to make sure everyone was weatherproof, that each person was keeping up with their pack load, and that they followed her path. Focus, she told herself, and stop looking at the woman you love.

Yeah, that was a good way to focus.

Fortunately, as they rose over the Naomi and turned north toward Denali, the vista of white ice floes and granite peaks was so searingly beautiful that it competed with the sight of Eve seated across from her. To have both Alaska and Eve filled Ani with a profound sense of joy, that the world was good, and life all it could be. A glance revealed that Eve was equally rapt—nothing in the world compared with the rolling white sheets riven with perfect blue streaks of bent light. She remembered Eve asking her if the glory of it made her feel small, and the answer was still no. She felt awed. She felt a part of the breathing planet the way she felt part of Eve when they were in each other’s arms.

As the crow flies, it was a short hop to Kilkat Plateau. Meg lazily swooped down to the northern end where a bold red circle marked this season’s helipad zone. A couple of cross-gusts while they were still about fifty feet above the ice weren’t surprising, but Ani saw the other three women all tense. The wind died as the skids lightly touched the surface. When Lisa made to unbuckle, Ani waved at her to stop. Meg wasn’t about to put tons of machinery on any ice surface without first testing it.

They hovered for a few seconds, then slowly settled. If there was any change to their pitch on the ice, Meg would pull them back up. But the ground underneath them stayed solid and Meg finally cut the blade speed to a quarter.

Ani again signaled for the others to stay put. She released herself and then set Tonk free. He gave her a somewhat suspicious look, but liked what he saw and smelled from the loading bay door she opened for him. Might as well let the dog do what he was bred to do. She watched him check out the skids, which of course needed to be marked, then sweep out in a widening circle near the door area. He didn’t seem alarmed by anything, so Ani deemed it safe to unload.

Four women, four full-scale mountaineering packs, a very large dog, and that was it.

“You got my frequency, right?” Meg was already starting to rev up the rotors as Ani leaned in the pilot’s door.

“Yes—and we’ve got radios and beacons. See you tomorrow at sixteen hundred, unless we radio differently.”

“You got it. Be safe!” With that, Meg upped the rotation and Ani skedaddled to join the others at a safe distance. Within minutes, the orange of the helicopter hull was a southbound dot.

Ani took a deep breath, gauging the temperature at about thirty-five in the sun. She wanted to inhale the silence that fell after the chopper’s blade noise had completely faded. There were no trees to stir in the wind, no surf to crash on sand, no clicking of electricity or far-off hint of a roadway. If sunlight on ice could make a sound, that’s all there was.

“This really is the wilderness, isn’t it?” Lisa had zipped her jacket completely closed and secured the snaps at the neck.

Tan settled her goggles into place and Eve followed suit before putting on her gloves. “Let me help you,” Tan said to Lisa. “If you get too hot, unzip these vents. You have to keep your gloves on for the traction pads in case you fall. You can also push back your hood—it’s the quickest way to reduce your body temperature. Goggles you have to keep on because of the potential for snow blindness. You’re asking for a raging headache and retina damage if you take them off for long.”

Ani let Tan concentrate on briefing Lisa as she told Eve to retrieve the walking sticks from her pack. “We’re going to hike for about an hour, then we have some climbing to do. It won’t be too bad. There’s really only one serious grade, and we’ll be camping at the top. From there, after we offload the tents and rations, it’s a short, easy hike to the accident site.” She flashed one of the two GPS units that Tan had signed out. “I can find it within two feet.”

Eve had stooped to tighten her boot laces. “This is sort of like a geocaching expedition.”

Ani hadn’t thought of it that way. “I suppose, that is, if Monica left us something to find.”

“And we’re not leaving anything in its place.” Tan gestured at her pack. “I’m ready.”

One by one they lifted packs onto each other’s backs, settling the hip belts and shoulder pads. Ani was gratified when Eve fished out a tiny camera and took a few photos. She’d not thought to bring a camera and she knew she wouldn’t want her memories of this trip to dim. It could be the last time she was with Eve, though she wasn’t going to think about that right now.

“You don’t have to lean forward,” Ani told Lisa. She tightened the shoulder straps and Lisa sighed with relief. “Don’t let the pack push you down. It’s riding on your hips, not your back.”

“That’s much better, but it already feels like a ton.”

“It’s actually easier to keep moving than it is to stand still. But remember, you weigh more than usual, you’re going to walk heavier, pack the ice harder and if you lose your balance, you’re going to topple easier. Sometimes, it’s better to let yourself fall.”

Lisa nodded. “Just like falling off a board. Sometimes, it’s better to kiss the waves than risk a board to the head.”

“One last word of warning,” Ani announced to everyone. “Blisters are serious business. If you feel any rubbing, we’ll stop and see what we can do by way of switching out socks or fixing the boots. Because of the extra weight, a blister will flare in a couple dozen steps, and escalate to extremely painful in a half mile.”

“Yes, boss,” Eve said.

Ani gave her a sheepish look. “Did I sound officious?”

“Yes,” Lisa said, just as Tan said, “No.”

“Keep doing what you do,” Eve said. “I’m feeling safer by the minute.”

Ani flushed—there was no helping it. She wanted to keep Eve safe, and so much more.

There was no set path in the ice, but there were traces of other hikers having gone this way the last several weeks. Ani had her map marked out in GPS blocks, and there were geologic features to use as guidelines, especially canyon entrances and fissures wide enough to have been named and marked on the survey map. She set a slow, steady pace, figuring about two miles an hour. She could likely travel faster, but mostly because her stride was longer.

“Weren’t we just over there?” Lisa pointed to an outcropping on the other side of a deep fissure.

“Yep. We had to cross over and double back.” She whistled to Tonk, who promptly returned from a foray behind them.

 “My pack is so heavy. Why didn’t we bring a sled and mush it?” Lisa looked to be developing a full-on pout, after only a quarter mile.

“Now that I see the ice condition, a sled would have slowed us down. The surface is actually quite soft—not ideal for sleds, even though the dogs would love it. We’re moving faster under our own steam.”

“Sure, easy for you to say.”

Ani gave her a narrow look. “Do we need to stop and redistribute?”

“No.” Lisa took on a stubborn expression. “But I will have to pee in a while.”

Ani smiled. “Oh, that’s fun for girls out here.”

“I can hardly wait.”

Eve, third in line between Lisa and Tan, offered up a game. “We used to play it on long car rides. I say a name or a phrase or a place, and the next person says whatever comes to mind. So if I say Clark Gable, Ani says…”

“Gable and Lombard? Is that the duo?”

Eve nodded. She looked back over her shoulder. “And Tan says?”

“Lombard Street, San Francisco.”

Lisa promptly said, “Richard Nixon.”

“I don’t get it,” Ani said.

“Lombard Street is the crookedest street in the world, and Richard Nixon was—”

“Not a crook,” Eve said with a passable imitation. “A double jump, very subtle. So I say Spiro T. Agnew.”

“Spirograph,” Ani contributed. The game proved to pass the time, and led to numerous explanations of why one thing prompted thoughts of another, and they were soon discussing movies and music. Tan liked something called Panic at the Disco, which elicited an approving wink from Lisa. Under the easy banter, Ani kept turning to the possibility of finding the notebook she had thought she’d destroyed. If they found it, what would she do?

Their potty break was fraught with the usual joy of coping with the wind, privacy and disposal. Tan had the “female urinal” gear that Ani was familiar with, and though Lisa was vocally squeamish, a demonstration of the disinfecting wipes and bury-it-or-burn-it trail etiquette met with reluctant cooperation.

“Be glad you don’t have one wet sock now. Did you think we had an outhouse stashed in our backpacks?” Ani fussed with Tan’s backpack zipper after tucking away the bag that held the useful cup and spout device. “Or we’d stop at a gas station?”

“No.” Lisa scrupulously wiped down her hands, then dropped the wipe into the hole with their other paper wastes and watched as Tan salted it with a biodegrading agent, then covered it up. “Evolutionarily speaking only, it kind of makes sense that men did hunting trips while the women stayed home and organized the world. Access to a toilet is a big deal.”

“I’m sure Margaret Mead would agree.”

“Margaret Mitchell,” Eve said.

“Clark Gable.” Tan sketched a bow. “We’re back to the beginning.”

They set off at the same pace. Ani felt a twinge in her lower back—she’d certainly gotten soft when the heaviest thing she’d lifted in the last three years had been a crate of vodka a total of four feet. That and Lisa’s luggage.

When they got within sight of the first climb, Ani called time for lunch. Packs hit the ground with resounding thumps, and Ani immediately demonstrated the usefulness of a pack as a dry seat. Eve fished out a bag with Tonk’s food. Tan, looking indestructible, chopped out a block of ice and plunked it into the only cookpot they had. Within a minute, she’d also lit a small propane burner and set the pot on it to get the ice melting.

Ani nodded her thanks. They were all carrying water, but she was nearly out, and by the time they’d eaten, there would be enough melted, treated and filtered ice to refill their supplies. Tonk, especially, needed a lot of water.

It was a little too chill to stay still while the ice melted, so Ani did some jumping up and down.

Lisa joined her, then found a slight rise in the ice. Perched at the top, she crooned off tune, “Everybody was surfin’,” and proceeded to slide down the incline on the edges of her boots, her hips balanced by graceful arms. “Surf’s up!”

Tan laughed, but Ani rolled her eyes when suddenly Lisa couldn’t keep her balance. She wobbled, stumbled and what a good thing, Tan caught her before she fell.

“That was lucky,” Ani observed in a flat tone.

Lisa devoted herself to giving Tan a full-on my hero look.

Their almonds, raisins and freeze-dried meat strips were better washed down with the cold water Tan forced through the filter, and Eve earned big kudos by producing brownies from her pack.

“There might be more at dinner,” she added with a note of satisfaction. She passed around the wax paper packet.

Wax paper felt nostalgic to Ani. Those first sandwiches, the picnics, goodies always came out of Eve’s specially wrapped packages. She bit into her brownie and had a vivid flashback to her dorm room.

“These are so good they’re sacred,” she’d told Eve.

Eve had been so beautiful with only a blanket wrapped around her. They’d fallen on the picnic basket after other hungers had been satisfied, and she was like an adorable nymph, passing out delicacies. “Thank you. It’s the German-processed cocoa powder and the sweetened condensed milk.”

“No,” Ani had countered. She’d pulled Eve to her for a chocolatey kiss. The blanket had slipped off, giving her delightful ideas. “No, it’s you.”

Ani glanced over the top of her brownie at Eve to find Eve gazing back at her. She blushed—there was no stopping it.

Eve, the very picture of innocence, said, “Someone once told me these were sacred brownies.”

“I hear that,” Tan said.

Lisa gave Ani a droll look, but she said nothing.

Ani went on blushing.

* * *

Eve wasn’t about to admit it, but she was as sore as she’d ever been, and that included an infamous forty-eight hour cooking shift on a salmon boat when her hips had been much younger and she’d been much more foolish. The climb ahead looked daunting, and she wasn’t entirely sure what to do with the hand axe that she’d been told to get out of her pack.

The things you do for love, the voices were saying. She ignored them. Love was not a topic. Discussing brownies had been dangerous enough, with Ani looking like she wanted to be kissed and vivid memories of things that had happened on the floor of Ani’s dorm room dancing around in her head. Just as soon as she felt warmed to her toes by Ani’s smile, a finger of cold air would get around the collar of her snowsuit and she’d feel both a physical and emotional chill—which was a timely reminder that there was no certain future with Ani. There was just the here and now, including a daunting slope to somehow climb.

Tan demonstrated a basic pick and pull. “You have to leave enough room between each person. If you feel yourself losing traction or in danger of falling, chop in and twist slightly.” She embedded her axe into the ice facing. “Don’t trust it with your whole weight, but use it to get your feet stabilized again. It’s critical to keep your feet under you.”

Eve reached for the handle. “And remove it like this?” She lifted only the handle, letting the semi-circle blade carve its own way out.

“You got it.”

Lisa’s voice broke over the group. “What about this? I’m Xena! Behold!” With a warrior princess yell, she brandished her axe, then embedded it into the ice. “So much for you, Callisto!”

She joined Tan and Ani in applauding, feeling more than a little out of step. Tan, the oldest, seemed to share more about pop culture with Lisa and Ani than she did. By the time she got home from work, and it was just as true with the restaurant as it had been with catering, she could only think of familiar jazz, old movies or a good book to end her day. Eve hadn’t a clue why anyone was lost or housewives had been desperate.

Ani went up the facing first, as surefooted as a polar bear. Her long legs made short work of the distance. Eve tried to take note of how she used her axe in the rare moment her momentum slowed. Lisa went next, and as far as grace went, Eve had to hand it to her, she was certain and secure in her movements. A glance showed that Tan found it mesmerizing. Then Eve stopped watching Lisa’s progress as Tan motioned for her to get going.

She made it halfway before the weight on her back forced her chest-first, down to the ice. There was just no way she could continue to press upward with her legs, pull on the axe and hold up the thirty or so pounds. Tonk scampered up to her with a concerned bark, and nosed at her armpit as if to help.

There was a yelp above her and she risked a look up, ignoring Tan’s advice about relying on the axe with her whole weight. Lisa had also gotten stuck and Ani was hauling her the last few feet with hands in places that were—at the very least—undignified.

“Maybe we should have done rope. It’s the packs,” Ani called down to Tan. She had shucked her pack and was in the process of slipping something over her boots. Crampons, Eve surmised, as Ani came down the slope backward, using the toes of her boot to chip in firm footholds. “Tonk! Up!”

Tonk promptly abandoned his supportive posture at Eve’s side and joined Lisa at the top of the grade.

When she was close enough, Eve managed to say, in fits and starts, “It’s the pack. I know I can do this, but I’m not managing the weight right, somehow. I can’t get back on my feet.”

“It’s okay, honey, beginner’s trouble. I got cheek burns more than once on easier climbs than this. Once you’re on your knees, it’s hard to recover without taking the pack off. I should have suggested we take your packs up separately. We will on the big climb.” She reached not for Eve’s hand but for the loop on Eve’s backpack. “I’m going to pull slowly. Go ahead and release your hip belt. Good, that’s perfect. Now work your arms out—trust me, Eve. Work your arms out and keep hanging onto the axe. If you slip, it’s okay. It’s not that far to slide down, but I’d rather you didn’t.”

The weight on Eve’s back lessened. Ani’s boot toes slipped about a half-inch, then the weight of the pack was completely off of Eve. She held onto the axe for just a moment, then dug in her toes and pulled the axe out of the ice. One foot up, another foot… She finally got her feet back under her, and used the axe the way Ani had to get the rest of the way up. It really wasn’t that steep, but she’d obviously gone about it all wrong. Lisa gave her a hand for the last bit, then they both turned to grab the pack as Ani walked it up the slope.

“I did the same thing,” Lisa said. “I thought getting lower would let my legs do more, but the pack flattened me. It was such an awkward position. I smashed my boobs.”

Eve couldn’t help herself. “I’m sure Tan would help with first aid.”

In response she got a flicker of Lisa’s usual bravado, then a tremulous, vulnerable smile. “I hope so.”

Tan came up the slope exactly the way Ani had, and now Eve saw that the successful technique was not giving into the instinct to lean forward. Tan waited while the three of them got settled into their packs again, then it was back in single file behind Ani. Tonk was definitely not quite as frisky, but he continued to run ahead, sniffing along the ice, then returning for petting, slurps of water and the occasional treat. He looked as if he was having the time of his life.

At first, walking on the glacier had seemed to Eve much like walking on packed snow. Her goggles tinted the landscape sepia, but the pristine conditions were unmistakable. With the exception of the red circle denoting the helipad, she’d seen no sign of human presence out here. She’d been on cross country skiing trips with her family, and had done some sightseeing around Mendenhall Glacier near Juneau, and neither had felt this remote. The surface below her feet was soft for about an inch, but under that was solid ice. Edges and peaks exposed to the wind were rounded, like snowdrifts, but looking down into the gorges that split the glacier revealed edges as sharp as knives.  Where the ice had broken and settled at different elevations it was common to find a ribbon of glacial blue, an intense hue that Eve had never seen anywhere else.

She had thought that being completely on the glacier meant the landscape would be monotonous, but the variations in footing, the rain-crafted gullies and sheer faces of ice sometimes extending three times her height kept the hike as interesting as any forested walk. It was undeniably fascinating to come upon a boulder the size of a car encased in the ice, with Ani speculating it might have been picked up miles away, and slowly churned to the surface. One boulder edge was flat and glossy, indicating it had been in contact with something harder than it was.

What also surprised her was the vegetation. The moraine strip, in particular, had enough rock and soil to attract the occasional brave seed. As they went deeper into the Naomi’s less accessible core, there were more stands of stunted pines. Even in a place that offered no warmth and no ease there was a hardy insistence on life.

Tonk paused long enough to anoint one of the pines. All God’s creatures, Eve thought, do what they know how to do.

“Hey, can we take a picture?” The facing to the north was so clear it captured their reflections.

Lisa unzipped Eve’s backpack pouch that held her camera, and handed it over. Lined up, their colorful suits were bright blotches in the ice surface, and they pulled back their hoods to make it easier to see who was who, though Ani was unmistakable with her extra inches in height. Even Tonk posed briefly, though he then backed away, as if not entirely liking his reflection.

A few clicks later Eve tucked the camera away, saying, “Thanks everybody. It’s so beautiful.”

“I’d say it recently calved—the surface isn’t marked yet by hail. The ice drop probably filled in a crevasse.” Ani stomped experimentally at the ground at the base of the facing, and her foot sank into the slush several inches. “Feels like it at least.”

Lisa snickered. “And if you listen to it can you tell if there’s a train coming?”

Ani casually reached down to touch the ice at her feet, then not so casually scooped up a handful of it and flung it Lisa’s direction.

It hit Eve in the hip, and it took her two seconds to scrabble up a handful of slush.

Lisa ran for cover, but still had her pack on, so it wasn’t so much running as lumbering. Ani nailed her in the hinder and ended up with a mouthful of ice, courtesy of Eve.

“You’ll pay for that!”

“Hah! My aim was as good as yours!”

“Lisa, don’t go off the path!” Tan gave Eve and Ani a look that relegated them to juvenile delinquent status.

Lisa stopped in her tracks and slowly turned. “No more throwing stuff!”

Ani spit out more ice. “I just thought your smart ass could use some cooling off.”

“Truce.” Eve dropped the snowball in her hand. She took a step backward—and the ice opened underneath her.

It happened in a split second, and Eve had no idea where her instinctive response came from. She spread out her arms and legs and thrust back with her pack, hoping to catch one of its many loops on an outcropping. Something was successful, but she was shoulders deep before her downward drop stopped.

She was pretty sure the shriek that was still echoing off the ice had come from her.

Tonk was there first, teeth buried in her sleeve, feet braced, trying to pull her back to safety. She couldn’t sort out the yelled instructions, but it was Ani who crawled toward her, axe in one hand and a coil of rope around her shoulder.

“It’s gonna be okay. You’ve got your arms up. We can haul you out. Stay still, though, okay?”

“I’m trying.” Eve tried to quell her shaking, but she knew it was adrenaline, and not really something she could turn off.

“Let me get this around you.” Ani worked quickly, threading the rope under Eve’s arms, then around her chest. She knotted it tight. “Now, can you reach down and unhook the hip belt to your pack? That way when we haul, we’ll just be pulling you.”

Eve wasn’t sure she could make her arms move. They were both part of her panicked bracing, and the one in the best position to do what Ani asked was the one Tonk was helping with.

The rope around her went taut and she was actually lifted, just slightly.

“Tan and Lisa have got you—you’re tethered to both of their axes, and to them. Tan knows what she’s doing. You will not fall, I promise. Go ahead, honey. They’ll haul you out, and I’ll grab your pack before it gets lost.”

“Tonk, let go,” Eve ordered. She shook her sleeve free. Tonk backed slightly, tail down. Grabbing and pulling was his job. “Good boy, good boy,” Eve assured him.

The rope around her stayed strong and steady. Trying to get her arm down the tight space where she was wedged was harder than it sounded. Protrusions in the ice stabbed through her glove, scraping the back of her hand and wrist. Scarily, her feet dangled freely—kicking backward with her heels she encountered nothing.

“Do you want me to try to reach it?”

“And risk you falling in, head first? No. I can do it. Let me rest a bit.” She caught her breath, tried to suck in her waist from its already compressed position, anything to give her hand more room to reach the release button. The effort of every quarter-inch gained felt equal to trying to lift her entire body weight with one arm. The inside of her glove was sticky and she tried not to think about what that meant.

“Can you lift me at all? I think…my hand is too high and I don’t want to start over. But if you pulled me up even a half inch, I’d be on the button.”

Ani called out directions, then counted down. “Three-two-one!”

At first she didn’t move. Eve had no place to look but Ani’s straining face, etched in worry. Then she did shift, and it was only a small amount, but her little finger could feel the protrusion of the buckle. “Just a little more!”

With another massive heave Eve felt the buckle move under her hand. She pressed—hoping it was enough, and the dull click she heard wasn’t just wishful thinking. She was wedged too tightly to tell if the belt had parted.

“I really don’t want to cut the straps on your pack. I know you’re tired, honey, but can you free your arm now? I’ll loosen the straps as much as I can and then we’ll see if you can get free of them.”

While Eve wriggled and struggled to free her arm, Ani was working on her shoulder straps. “I’ve got this one completely unfastened. You’re doing great. Just the other one now.”

“Nearly there.” Eve had broken out into a hard sweat, and it was getting in her eyes. “Can you…take off the goggles?”

Ani did as she asked, then used her gloves to wipe Eve’s eyes. Eve got her arm free with a little cry, then went limp.

“Rest,” Ani said. “We’ll have you out in a jiffy.” She slithered away from the edge for a moment, then came back into Eve’s view with a second rope lead. She tethered it to Eve’s pack with a neat knot, and gave the other end to Tonk. “Take it to Tan.”

Eve heard Tan call and Tonk promptly trotted off.

“Go limp, it’s okay,” Ani urged her.

Eve did as Ani said. She was too exhausted not to. Even wedged in place, she had muscles automatically straining to breathe, to resist gravity even when there was no need. She gazed into Ani’s eyes and told herself to make no ridiculous declarations. Now was not the time to tell Ani how sorry she truly was, how she wished one of them had had the sense to fight for their relationship, how much she wanted to start over. So what if she was having a near-death experience? The fact that she was having a moment of supreme clarity didn’t mean anything had changed for Ani.

But she knew one thing. The woman she was looking at was the one she had fallen in love with, and not the Ani who had run away in a blind panic. Her anger with Monica stirred, because even if Monica hadn’t taken the notebook, she’d manipulated Ani into leaving, and lied to Eve about doing so. No matter her motives, she’d had no right. Yes, they’d failed to trust their love would survive the stress of the situation, but Monica had seemingly counted on their failure.

“Here.” Ani slipped an ice chip between her lips. “We’re about ready to give you the heave-ho. Use your arms if you can, but otherwise, let us do the work. Don’t worry if your pack falls, it won’t go that far. Just let it go.”

The melting ice felt heavenly in her mouth. Eve had read about people getting stuck in crevasses and being unable to extricate themselves. She hadn’t understood it, not really. But now she did. Her momentum had wedged her tight and compressed her ribs and hips. The ice was immutable, like steel, and the more she struggled, the more exhausted she became. If not for the rope Ani had gotten around her, she probably would have slipped lower. If her ribs had been compressed, her breathing would have easily been restricted.

Ani counted down again, and with a jolt, Eve lifted several inches and her backpack finally fell away. It was a relief to use her arms, and she didn’t object when Tonk again clamped onto one sleeve and pulled too. His one hundred and forty pounds of ballast allayed her fear that she would fall back in.

The pack clattered, and as Ani had predicted, fell several feet before lurching to a halt. Eve was clear to her stomach, then Ani grabbed her by the back of her suit and hauled her the rest of the way to the surface and another ten feet from the crevasse edge.

Then she was in Ani’s arms.

Ani kissed her, quick kisses across her forehead, before burying her face in Eve’s hair. Eve gave herself to the strength and warmth, exhausted, relieved and safe.

Chapter 12

“The water’s boiling, the iodine’s dissolved—who’s up for dinner?” Tan looked up from the trusty cook pot, four packets of non-meat beef stroganoff in one hand.

“Me, me!” Ani jumped up and down, hoping to make Eve laugh.

“You and Tonk,” Eve said, with a grin. “You operate on your stomachs.”

“What’s wrong with that?” Tonk was already ensconced on an ultrathin insulating tarp, chomping happily on a rawhide chew after disposing of a large bowl of high-fat, concentrated dry food, over which Ani had poured broth made from bouillon cubes. “Out here it’s the little things that matter.”

“I know.” Eve remained seated on her pack with her hood firmly tied in place. Ani thought her face was adorable, framed with fleece. “But if this is what passes for good food with you, then I don’t know why I ever bothered with a greenhouse, and things like basil and saffron.”

“If you make me dinner again, I promise to show appreciation.” Ani meant the comment in the same teasing vein, but somehow it didn’t come out that way.

Eve’s mouth parted slightly and her eyes darkened. “That’s a deal.”

Breathing was suddenly something she had to force herself to do. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea that she was remembering her mid-winter birthday present. She didn’t know where Eve had found the little maid’s outfit, but the five-course meal had taken all night. The moment she’d pulled Eve to safety, she’d been half-caught in all those delicious memories, as if her brain’s way of dealing with the near-paralyzing panic of watching Eve fall into the crevasse was to deliver up all the ways they’d been happy together.

Once she’d been certain Eve was okay, she and Tan had crawled to the edge of the crevasse to satisfy their morbid curiosity. She was glad Eve had declined to look. She’d been caught in the narrowest part, and been lucky for that. Below her had been a fall of at least twenty more feet, onto sharp-edged shards. Joking around with snowballs, thinking how lovely Eve was, wondering if she could tackle her and kiss her without anyone realizing, had taken her mind off Eve’s safety. She’d suspected there was a crevasse under them. Tonk had even backed away, and she’d missed the cue. It wasn’t safe to be thinking about maid’s outfits and being fed by Eve as she snuggled on her lap, and having dessert for breakfast and that finally dessert included food—none of that was particularly useful.

The reality was that she’d nearly lost Eve for a second time.

“So what exactly is that?” Lisa peered at the packages as she helped Tan tear them open, then use a mug to pour in hot water. “Cripes, that’s hot.”

“That’s why you should have your gloves on,” Tan said.

“They make me clumsy.”

“Impossible.”

Lisa handed the hot package to Ani, who passed it on to Eve. Ani hoped Eve’s color would improve with food. She’d been depleted by the rescue and the stress of the last climb. Hauling packs up by rope and pulley had saved everyone’s energy, but Eve still looked pale. Worrying about Eve had taken her mind off using a similar scheme of rope and pulley to lower Kenbrink’s body three years ago.

“This whole suit,” Lisa went on, “makes me feel clumsy. Wearing this getup, how can anyone even tell I’m female?”

Tan paused, mug over the steaming water. “You could be wearing a suit made of concrete and I’d have no trouble telling you were female.”

Lisa said, “Oh.”

After a moment, water ladling resumed and Ani got her food.

“I love this stuff.” She plunked down next to Eve. “It’s about as far from real food as you can get but awfully good for you. Loaded with vitamins and potassium.”

Eve was still sniffing it. “Why does it say beef stroganoff when there’s no meat in it?”

Ani pointed to the tiny print under the word beef. “Flavored. Beef flavored stroganoff.”

Eve finally tried a small bite, and sighed. “Okay, I hate to admit it, but that’s good. It’s hot and the salt is just what I need. I was sweating like a pig.”

“You were really calm, though. And you did what I asked you to. Oh, and this stuff tastes even better if you don’t look at it.” Ani savored a big bite of her ration now that it was thoroughly mixed.

“I knew that you knew what to do. I knew you’d get me out of there.”

To her own surprise, Ani didn’t blush. “Thank you for your trust.”

“I’m amazed I ever doubted you,” Eve said softly. She started to say more but winced as she traded the pouch of food to her left hand.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Just sore from getting my hip band released.”

“Let me see it.”

“It’s fine.”

“Can you grip an axe with it?”

Eve looked like she wanted to pout. “Can I at least finish my meal while it’s hot?”

“Okay, of course. But it’s foolish to leave an injury untreated.” Ani tried to cover her worry by indicating the pouch in Eve’s hand. “You’ll never go back to that fresh stuff you make.”

“Can you see me serving this at the Dragonfly?”

“Most of the soldiers would feel right at home with it.”

“I’ll stick to chowder and pancakes.”

“I’m glad the Dragonfly is doing well.” Ani didn’t mean her voice to be quite so soft, but it couldn’t be helped. “You always wanted a place like it, and you went out and got your dream.”

Eve gave her a tender look, before studying the depths of her pouch of food. “Ani, I really don’t care if we find—”

“Time to put the tents up?” Tan, last served but first done, stowed her empty pouch in the garbage sack and began rummaging in her pack.

“I want to go get the notebook.” Lisa was holding her hot pouch of food against her nose.

Ani realized her nose was quite cold, too. Way colder than it had ever been inside the On the Rocks ice bar. It felt wonderful. “Shelter first. If we get ice fog, or get back here too tired to drive in the stakes, then we deserve to freeze to death.”

The tents were in her pack and Tan’s. They started by spreading them out and making sure the vents were functioning.

“Where are the other two?” Lisa looked around.

Ani glanced at her, then Eve. Eve looked like she was wondering the exact same thing. “This is it. It’s the same number of stakes and ropes for a one-man versus a two-man, and a two-man only weighs half again as much. By sharing, both of you carried nearly two pounds less.”

“I guess that’s okay,” Lisa said. “My pack is already so heavy.”

“Two people will fit?” Eve still looked hesitant.

“Yes, with breathing room to spare. It’ll also be a couple of degrees warmer because of the double body heat.”

Lisa, in a fine imitation of Mae West, said, “I call dibs sleeping with Tan.”

Tan dropped the tent stakes and Ani decided that ignoring the whole thing was the best policy. To Eve, she said, “I guess you’re stuck with me.”

When Eve didn’t answer, Ani looked up. Her heart skipped a beat at the look burning in Eve’s eyes.

“Okay by me,” was all she said.

Okay by me circled round and round in Ani’s head, sounding like a promise to dance. It was very distracting. She bent a stake trying to hammer it in, much to her chagrin, then she worked harder to stay completely focused on every task.

“Now we can empty our packs of what we don’t need at the site.” Ani zipped hers fully open and pulled out most of the rations, the few articles of spare clothing she’d brought and her sleeping bag. Eve was doing the same with her pack, so Ani reached for Lisa’s.

“This is heavy—what have you got in here? A hot tub?”

Lisa grabbed the pack back. “I can do that myself.”

“What are you hiding?”

“Nothing. I just thought later we’d like some wine.”

Ani burst out laughing as Lisa hefted a bottle.

“What?” She showed it to Tan. “It’s a good wine.”

“Usually,” Tan said, her face studiously sober, “one would decant the wine into a plastic container. That weighs more than your sleeping bag. Once empty, you still have to carry about a pound and a quarter of glass back out.”

“Wine in plastic?” Lisa made a face.

“Thank you for bringing it,” Eve said. “I think I’ll be glad of a glass later.”

“After we warm it—by that I mean, we make sure it’s not too cold to drink.” Ani added, “I don’t suppose you brought a bottle opener?”

“Oh, well, no. I guess…” Now Lisa was truly pouting.

“I have one on my Swiss Army knife,” Tan said.

“Of course you do.” Lisa beamed at her.

“Just put as much of the stuff into the tents as you can,” Ani said, not bothering to hide her exasperation. “No alcohol until we are warmed, fed, settled and we know we can get into our bags to sleep. I don’t think we’re going to have precipitation, so if it’s clear tonight, it’s going to be even colder.”

“And if you listen, can you tell if a train is coming?” Lisa stuck her tongue out at Ani.

Ani had little choice but to return the gesture.

“You two bicker like an old married couple,” Eve observed. It was so much easier walking with her pack weight reduced by two-thirds. She’d only kept some of the food, her water, and the lightweight digging tools that unsnapped and folded to easily fit in her pack.

“She makes it hard not to.” Ani’s focus was on her GPS readout.

They hadn’t gone all that far—maybe a half mile, Eve thought—when Ani turned them into a break in the ice wall they’d been following. The next passage was narrow, but opened quickly to a long canyon. To the right the ice wall was about six feet, but on the left it was closer to twenty.

“It’s over here—the blood’s rinsed down, but I think that’s a trace.” Ani tapped a faintly pink area with the toe of her boot. It wasn’t a shade Eve had seen in the ice so far.

She had seen enough of the glacial formations already to know that the canyon wall they were facing had calved some time ago. For one thing, it was pocked with marks from hailstones. It was also cloudy from the surface thawing and refreezing over time. The base of the facing was obscured by at least five feet of piled and packed ice, including shards that looked unpleasantly sharp. The mounds of ice were disturbed in two places, one near where Ani was, and the other closer to where Tan had paused. In time, there would be no substantial trace of the violent mass that had sheered from the towering wall and taken a life in the process.

“How do we know it’s stable?” Now that they were here, Eve wasn’t so sure she wanted to go digging around in anything, and especially after she’d just learned firsthand the difference between ice and solid ground. Her hand was also persistently throbbing now.

“That’s a lot of ice to move. We should have brought a backhoe.” Lisa also looked daunted. “Hard to get one in a backpack, huh?”

Ani was nodding as she removed her pack. “Well, I’m willing to dig. If it’s here, Monica’s kit will be trapped before we get to the big wall, but probably under all of that ice.”

Tan had already slipped out of her pack and removed her axe. She swung experimentally at the ice surface. “Three seasons of thaw and freeze—this is pretty hard.”

“I really don’t care if we find the notebook.” Eve couldn’t help herself. “It doesn’t matter to me. Ani, I forgive you. It’s not even my place to think I can be your judge. But I don’t need proof that she did a bad thing, and you meant to do the best thing you could.”

“So this was just a pretty walk? With interesting toilet facilities?” Lisa shrugged out of her pack with a relieved sigh. “Then I’m really glad I brought the wine.”

Eve summoned up the nerve to meet Ani’s gaze. She loved those black eyes—they rarely hid their feelings. That was how she’d known Ani hadn’t been telling her the whole truth, but also how she’d known and trusted that Ani loved her. How could she have doubted that, for even a moment? Those eyes had said it with every glance, and they were saying it now. But we’ve got no future, Eve tried to say back, though she wasn’t convinced of that any longer. A near-death experience had altered her perceptions—funny about that.

Ani abruptly turned away. “Can we at least see how far we get?” She likewise tested the hardness of the ice and frowned.

With a flashing smile, Tan cleared her throat. “I brought something that might help.” She rummaged in the depths of her pack and came up with a small box, which she handed to Ani.

Ani’s tone was reverent as she said, “Tovex? How did you get Tovex?”

Tan’s nonchalance wasn’t entirely successful. “Never underestimate the power of a clerical error.”

“What’s Tovex?” Lisa moved forward to examine the box while Eve stepped back.

She knew what Tovex was, and it scared her, even though she knew that Ani had been taught by an expert how to handle it.

“Explosives! Holy crap!” Lisa backed up several steps.

“You could get fired for this.” Ani looked genuinely puzzled. “Why—I don’t understand. Why are you doing this for me?”

Tan gave Ani a long, steady look, and Eve could see the rings of orange-gold in her shining brown eyes. “Because I didn’t do enough for you three years ago. Plus, about ten years back, a man proudly told me that his little girl would someday be the star of my university, and I believed him. It was after he helped dig my car out of a snowbank. I kept tabs on her and while it broke my heart to think she’d stolen research, I still should have done more.”

Ani’s eyes were bright. “Tan, it’s okay. I didn’t expect you to bail me out.”

“I know. But it was my job, and it would have been the right thing to do, to see that you at least got a fair hearing. Besides,” she said with a sidelong glance at Lisa. “Like everyone else I had a longstanding crush on Monica. When I realized she’d used ignorance of the facts to fool all of us into jumping to the wrong conclusions, I decided I probably wasn’t just imagining her games in other ways.”

Ani shook her head. “I don’t get what you mean.”

“Think about it, Ani. Weren’t there times when you thought her interest was maybe more than professional? A little touch to the arm, a sudden notice of what you’re wearing? A compliment about your hair? A wink? Introducing you to people with flattering remarks? Then, just as you think maybe you’re not imagining it, and you wink back, she’s cold again. It was all in your head.”

“I didn’t think she did that on purpose.” Ani gave a helpless shrug. “It’s just who she is. But I guess, yes, there were times she confused me.”

“Who cares if it’s on purpose,” Lisa said. “It works for her. It gets her what she wants. I don’t believe it’s all innocent, though. And you’ve both gotten her out of your system, right?” She looked directly at Tan.

“Yes, ma’am. I met someone much, much smarter and way sexier.”

Lisa, instead of looking gratified, put her hands on her hips. “Who I hope to goodness has been quite clear about her interest.”

“Indeed.”

“Good.”

“Very.”

Eve interrupted with, “Excuse me, but Ani’s still holding explosives in her hand.”

“Oh, yeah.” Lisa resumed backing away, but it was definitely in Tan’s direction.

Ani had a how-did-we-ever-get-this-far look on her face as she said, “These are microcharges. Not boom so much as pop. They’re ideal for the job.”

“Just tell us what to do.”

“First off, all nonessential personnel get back out of the canyon.”

Lisa gave Eve a wounded look. “Did she just call us nonessential? And she’s expecting some of my wine later?”

“She’s going to blow something up,” Eve observed. “I’d prefer to be some distance away.”

“You realize,” Lisa said as they left the other two behind, “she’s going to go all macho on you. Big studly thing to do, blowing stuff up.”

“She’s not like that. Well, maybe a little.” She whistled to Tonk, certain that he was also nonessential personnel.

They both sat down on their packs, with Tonk panting between them. Eve was glad to immobilize her hand for a little while. It probably wasn’t that bad, but she was still afraid to look at it.

Lisa studied her boots for a moment. “Far as I know, she hasn’t looked at another woman since she left here.”

Eve wasn’t really sure what the best response was to that. “I’ve never seen Tan flirt with anyone but you.”

“There must have been someone.”

“I think you’re going to have to ask her. Something to talk about in the long, cold night ahead.”

“I wasn’t thinking about talking.” Lisa laughed. “Okay, on the other hand, I haven’t a clue just how cold it’s going to be tonight.”

“You’ll be lucky you don’t get iced together if you kiss.”

Lisa gave her a sidelong look. “How would you know?”

“Okay, you got me. I usually do my smooching in above freezing temperatures.”

“Well, that’s my preference.”

Laughter wafted out of the canyon.

“They’re having fun without us. It would serve them right if we went back to camp and started the wine without them.”

“I think we should have a snack,” Eve said.

“Fine by me.”

They each had a handful of Eve’s homemade trail mix. Tonk snapped up some nuts and cereal and happily slurped water from the bottle Eve squeezed for him. By the time Ani and Tan emerged they were also ready for snacks.

Ani munched as contentedly on her trail mix as Tonk had. “You all are going to stay right here while I get closer. The detonators have a short-range radio frequency trigger, but like I said, they’re microcharges. We may not even hear them go off.”

“How will you know they did? You don’t want to do some Wile E. Coyote or Homer Simpson thing, and blow yourself up when you go to check.” Eve offered another handful of the mix.

“They have small dye packets. I should see three color pulses.” She tossed back the rest of the snack, dusted her hands on her suit, then casually strolled back to the canyon entrance. Once there she turned to wave, and her call carried over the ice. “Clear!”

A few seconds later, she walked into the canyon. Eve hadn’t heard a thing, but she scrambled after her.

Ani looked very pleased, and had already dug out a chunk of ice. “That worked great. Microcharges are small, and directionally focused. I set them to blow sideways and it works like a jeweler hitting a diamond. Only the goal is to make it all fracture to pieces.”

At first Eve couldn’t see what had happened, then she realized that the massive pile of ice was now riddled with cracks, all emanating from cherry pink blotches. Where Ani was digging the ice came away easily.

She grabbed a shovel, heedless of the pain in her hand, and joined in.

They dug in the ice until they were too hungry, too tired and the light too dim to continue. Eve couldn’t imagine finishing the job without the help of the explosives. Ani thought—but wasn’t certain in the light—she saw a mass in the ice that could be the missing kit.

“Morning,” Eve said firmly. Ani had worked harder than any of them, and she looked just about all in. “Right now you need more of that freeze-dried stuff and a good sleep.”

“Good isn’t exactly the word for it, when you’re sleeping on ice.” Ani let Eve unsnap the shovel and pick handles and stow them in her pack.

The walk back to their tents was thankfully as short as Eve remembered. Ani had been totally right—it was a blessing to have the camp completely set up, and only boiling water to see to. Tan once again carved up some ice to melt in the cook pot. Eve suggested they first make bouillon for all of them to drink, and to moisten Tonk’s food again. She felt much better after a hot cup of chicken-flavored salt brew, but she really longed for hot, stick-to-your-ribs food. When they got back, that was what she was making—a big crusty casserole of macaroni and cheese. Or shepherd’s pie, because that really stuck to the ribs.

“I want a burger, okay, two burgers,” Lisa said. “I’m sorry, I seem to be whining.”

“I think you’re doing great,” Ani volunteered. “You’ve never been north of Florida and here you are, about to sleep on a glacier.”

“I didn’t know that—good for you.” Eve hadn’t realized just how much of a stretch this adventure was for the surfer girl. “I guess that means we should all get out of our element from time to time.”

“I’ve always wanted to see palm trees,” Tan said. She examined the packets that she pulled out of her pack. “Do we want to have oatmeal and fricassee separately, or just mix them up together.”

“Separately,” Eve and Lisa said in unison.

Ani eagerly said, “Mixed together.”

“That is so gross.” Eve was truly shocked.

“As my father would have said, it’s all going to the same place. There’s different rules out here.”

Eve decided it was best not to watch Ani eat. She’d enjoyed it at home, because Ani’s lusty approach to food was the same as her approach to sex. Oh great, Eve scolded herself. You’re going to crawl into that itty-bitty tent and you’re already thinking about sex.

They huddled close while they ate, soaking up the warmth from the burner and their traveling natural heat source, Tonk. Ensconced on his own sheet of Thermarest, he didn’t seem at all bothered by the falling temperatures and was more than happy to slurp up any food they might miss in their ration packets. He also liked Eve’s Chex mix, marshmallow treats that Tan produced—her favorite snack for the weight when hiking—and had an endless desire for water.

“What does he care?” Lisa watched Tonk scamper out into the growing dark. “I drink water and I know I’m eventually going to have to pee. He’s a boy—he doesn’t need some special magic cup.”

Ani laughed. “He’s a dog. Even the girl dogs don’t have to worry about it. If we weren’t so modest and desirous on leaving as little footprint as possible, we wouldn’t either. If we were a full team, with sleds, we’d have a lightweight unit for the waste, panels that snap together big enough for some privacy and once a day you bury the result with the bacterial compound.”  Eve loved the way Ani’s voice warmed to the passion of her subject. She talked about the kinds of luxuries they would bring on sleds, like fire pit ring burners and multiple pots so there was always warm water for a quick wipe of hands, face and certain body parts.

Another reason nothing was going to happen in that tent, Eve told herself. She stank. She was afraid to take the snowsuit off, frankly.

She realized that Ani had suddenly focused on her.

“I never looked at your hand,” she said.

“It’s nothing.”

“You’re favoring it. Let me see.”

Eve had been afraid to pull off her glove, but she did so now, wincing as it stuck to what she was sure was dried blood. “I think all I did was bark it on the ice. It looks way worse than it is. Some bruises.”

Ani, having stripped off her own gloves, held Eve’s hand toward the firelight. Her touch was warm, so warm, that Eve shivered. She knew Ani felt it. There was no mercy in the gods tonight, because she felt Ani shiver too.

“You’re right, it’s not too bad. But let’s clean it and put some antibiotic gel on it. I bet it’s super sore. Ibuprofen for you, too.”

The warm water felt heavenly, as did the soothing gel. Bathroom breaks were followed by washing their faces and hands. One thing about being on a glacier—there was no shortage of water if there was heat, and wash water didn’t need filtering or iodine. The wine was opened, judged too cold, and the bottle set to warm a little in a water bath. When Lisa finally filled everyone’s mugs, Eve thanked her profusely for bringing it. A lot of aches and pains were easing.

It was definitely time to hit the sack, Eve had concluded, when Lisa sighed and pointed into the sky. “I saw a falling star. And I think those are the lights coming up.”

They all followed Lisa’s gesture and Ani confirmed it. “Yep, that’s the lights. I wish I weren’t so tired—they’re going to be very pretty tonight.”

“I’m whacked,” Eve admitted. “I have got to get warm and asleep, and soon.”

“Why don’t you get settled, then I’ll come in. There’s not enough room for two people to be shifting around at the same time.”

Lisa pointed at a constellation. “I’ve never seen stars like a white blanket—it’s beautiful.”

“That thick atmosphere that keeps you warm is hiding heaven from you.” Tan sounded very indulgent and Eve was comforted by it, somehow. Maybe it was that someone else’s course of true love might be easier than hers had proven to be.

Eve stowed her cup and the remnants of the second packet of brownies and crawled into the low tent. Sitting up was out of the question. It was just high enough that she could rest on one elbow and maybe not brush the roof. She knew the physics of tents—by morning there would be condensate from their breath frozen to the inside of the polymer fabric. When the sun hit it, the condensate would melt and anyone foolish enough to still be sleeping got a drip-drip wake-up call.

She unzipped her sleeping bag and slithered in after removing only her boots. It took several minutes, but in time she had wiggled out of her snowsuit and ejected it from the bag, which allowed her to zip it to her stomach. A little more wiggling and she had the snowpants and jacket in position to act as a pillow. She zipped the bag the rest of the way, rolled awkwardly onto her side and thought, My, my, isn’t this comfy.

Ani heard the rustlings and soft-voiced mutterings inside the tent cease, followed by the sound of a long zipper pull. She said quietly, “Knock, knock?”

“Come on in.”

She was used to the tent crawl, and had done it many times. Shoes off, bag open, outer snowpants off, get in bag as fast as her butt would allow, zip up and off with the jacket. Jacket turned inside out for pillow, zip the rest of the way up, done in about forty-five seconds. The bag immediately warmed and her body began to relax. “Are you warm enough?”

“Yes. Thanks. You?”

“Yes. Remember, I’ve got that long, lost Russian blood.”

“How could I forget?”

There wasn’t anything to say, really, and the silence was awkward. Ani thought through the events of the day, and woke herself up by remembering the heart-stopping moment when she’d realized Eve was falling. She tried to think of sweeter things, like dancing on a glacier with Eve, which eased her pulse. Thinking about making love to Eve was also sweet, but it sent her heart rate right back up.

She didn’t know how long it had been, but it was long enough that she thought Eve was asleep. It was easier, thinking Eve wasn’t listening to her ragged breathing. She didn’t need Eve to know what she was thinking. That, given the temperature, they would have about fifteen minutes with their bags unzipped before the cold overcame the heat she thought they were both feeling. There was a lot of ache that could be eased in just fifteen minutes, even if it didn’t even begin to ease their need for each other. There had been plenty of times they had taken less than that to leave each other with satisfied smiles.

“Are you awake?” It was only a whisper.

Ani answered in kind. “Yes.”

“Cold?”

“No. I’m just having trouble shutting off my brain.” There, that was better than saying she was fantasizing about how quickly she could wring that little half-cry out of Eve, the one she had always loved to hear.

“I wish that were my problem.”

The silence had changed, and the voices inside Ani were calling her names. She’d been gutless before, run away instead of talking, retreated instead of acting. She’d behaved as if Eve wasn’t half of shaping how their relationship went. If she kissed Eve now, Eve could say stop, like she had last night. Making that decision for Eve wasn’t fair.

At least, that’s what her libido was telling her. Her common sense said they both needed sleep. Her heart said it would burst if she didn’t at least kiss Eve goodnight.

“Ani?” Eve’s voice was so soft in the low dark, in response to the sound of Ani’s sleeping bag zipper.

Ani could tell the pale orb of Eve’s face from the surrounding sleeping bag. She touched her gently with her fingers, then cupped her cheeks. It was the simplest of caresses, but it filled her with a bright, clear joy. To her wonder, Eve turned her head and kissed Ani’s palm.

“Eve…I don’t know how we went wrong, when everything was so right.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

Ani’s hand stilled. “I’m sorry, I—”

“Hell, Ani, I don’t want to talk. Kiss me.”

Ani didn’t even try to hide her gasp. Eve had always been able to punch the breath out of her. She moved toward her and their lips met, tender and soft.

They broke apart when Eve reflexively tried to move her arms, trapped in the sleeping bag, and their noses bumped.

With a giggle, Eve said, “I told Lisa she and Tan might get stuck together if they smooched in the tent.”

Ani was glad to release some of her tension with a laugh. “With the heat they’d generate?”

Eve finally got her zipper down low enough to free her arms. “What do they know about heat?”

She pulled Ani to her, nothing tender or soft about this kiss. Ani finally trusted that Eve was as hungry as she was. She fumbled with both their zippers, and arms wound around waists. Eve breathed out Ani’s name—she loved that sound. Ani didn’t think they were slipping back in time. This wasn’t for old-time’s sake, but a new beginning, the first of a lifetime of kisses.

Her fingers felt seared by the heat of Eve’s back when she slipped her hand under her thermal shirt. Skin—she had missed Eve’s skin. Their kisses grew more feverish as they arched together. Ani moaned when Eve trailed kisses down her throat, finally nuzzling in the notch of her collarbone.

Ani found Eve’s breast and squeezed possessively, drawing a shocked, responsive gasp. Ani had not forgotten, even if the woman in her arms was still sometimes a stranger.

“Please,” Eve whispered. “I want to be yours again.”

If Ani had any instinct at all for love, this was not the time to hide herself. “I haven’t known where I am ever since I left. Getting lost in you seems the only way to find myself again.”

“Touch me.”

“Are you sure? Your arms are getting cold. Your hand—”

Eve’s kiss left no doubt, and she pushed Ani’s hand from her breast, downward. “Please.”

Ani pulled them as close together as possible, trying to preserve their body heat, trying to be sensible while her body was rolling and pulsing like the northern lights. “I won’t leave you again, Eve. I will tend bar if I have to, to stay here and live with you. Work the tourist guide trade, anything. But I’m not leaving. You’re the only place that matters.”

It was the loving laugh that undid her. “Ani, stop talking.”

There were no more words after that. She pushed her hand under Eve’s clothes, shivered when her fingertips swam into the slick sweetness she remembered. She knew what Eve liked, how to please her, how to increase the ache. Then, how to end it. She loved touching Eve. Her response was eager, and Ani felt a kind of powerful pleasure that nothing else in life ever gave her.

She loved Alaska, she loved the cold beauty of the northern lights and she loved her father’s legacy. None of them equaled Eve.

She pulled Eve against her, one arm holding her close and tight as she glided easily inside her. On a bed, in a warm room, she would be deeper, gentler, she would be everything. But right now there was the urgency and their need. She trapped Eve’s cry in a kiss, felt Eve swell under her, and didn’t care that she covered Eve’s face with tears.

* * *

Nothing makes you feel as old as sleeping on the ground does. That was Eve’s first thought when she woke. Her hips were sore, her shoulders ached and her hand was stiff. Somehow, though, she didn’t feel nearly as bad as she thought she might.

She opened her eyes and everything from the night flooded back. She was Ani’s again, and had been stretched to the stars and back. Ani’s face was only inches from hers, visible in what Eve took to be pre-dawn light. Her expression was easy in sleep. Her nose was adorably pinked by cold.

Had Ani really said those words? That she wouldn’t ever leave? Made promises in the night she hadn’t ever made before? It would never be as if those three years hadn’t been lost. But Eve knew, if they tried, they could make it so the lost years didn’t matter.

It was probably nearly four a.m., and looking at Ani was the best wake-up Eve could have hoped for. She smiled to herself as she slowly lowered the zipper on her sleeping bag. She could make Ani’s wake up pleasant, oh yes she could.

Her hands free of the sleeping bag, she held them against her lips and nose to take away some of the chill. Then, leaning forward those few inches, she nibbled at Ani’s lower lip. Ani wrinkled her nose, as if trying to figure out what was tickling her.

Another nibble and she felt Ani take a deeper breath. Her body uncoiled and Eve rolled toward her. She couldn’t stop smiling this morning, and Ani’s sleepy greeting only deepened her joy.

“Good morning to you, too.” Eve kissed her more soundly. “Don’t open your eyes. Let me take care of everything.”

Ani sighed against her. “You are better than any alarm clock.”

The zipper on Ani’s bag eased down. “I should hope so.”

“Oh. I thought you were going to take care of starting hot water.”

Eve paused with her hand on Ani’s waist. “I was going to get something hot. But if you’re not…”

Ani tangled their fingers, then moved Eve’s hand downward. “Time for chores later.”

“Damn right. You are not a chore.” Eve feathered a kiss across Ani’s mouth. “I love doing this. You have always been…very relaxed in the morning.”

Ani’s low laugh of agreement was cut short by a groan. “No teasing.”

“Teasing later. Right now, just this.” Eve nuzzled at Ani’s ear lobe. Her fingers toyed with the damp curls, parted them and found the well-remembered places. Her mouth watered and she swallowed convulsively—that thirst would have to wait. Right now Ani’s breathing had gone ragged, and right now, this was what her love wanted, this circling, magic dance only women knew, and one Eve wanted to share with Ani for all the years they could have.

Ani arched and Eve held tight to her body, loving the stretch of muscles, the tautness of Ani’s ribs, even the difference in their height that let her bury her face in Ani’s shirt while her fingers circled, swirled, teased, then pressed inward until Ani’s shudders slowed, then stopped.

They were still for several minutes, wrapped in each other’s arms. Eve was aware of the rising light, then the sunlight touched the edge of the tent, illuminating them both. Daybreak.

Ani smiled at her, eyes bright with emotion. “This is the best morning ever.”

Eve was about to agree when a drop of very cold water landed on her forehead. She looked up—yep, the frozen condensate on the roof of the tent was melting as the sun moved over it. “We have to get up, don’t we?”

“Only if we want to stay dry.”

“I’m not dry.”

Ani’s smile was wicked. “Would you like me to confirm that?”

“Later. Let’s do what we came to do.”

Ani gathered her up. “You mean you didn’t come to do me?”

Eve giggled. “There are so many juvenile responses I could make to that.”

“I feel so good.”

Seriously, Eve said, “I’m glad.”

A drop landed on Ani’s eyebrow. “Okay.” Ani unzipped her bag and in less time than Eve would have thought possible, pulled on her snowsuit, zipped it, and got into her gloves. She rolled over onto her sleeping bag, zipped it as well, and, with a practiced motion, rolled it into a tight coil, all without touching the increasingly sodden tent roof.

It was impressive. Eve knew she was grinning. So she was besotted—it felt wonderful.

Ani opened the tent flap, then turned back. “I am so sorry I ran away.”

Eve raised herself on her elbows. “Let’s agree to one thing, okay? Today we put the past behind us. That’s the last time you say you’re sorry. I’m sorry, too—and that’s the last time for me. It’s a new day. Our new day.”

Ani blew her a kiss. Besotted, Eve mused, and yeah, it was wonderful.

Chapter 13

With the bright seven a.m. sunlight illuminating their digging site, there was clearly an object under the ice. They’d been close the night before.

A few picks with their axes, and Ani cracked the last sheet over a scientist’s kit. She knew it was Monica’s. There were also a few loose objects, one of which appeared to be Monica’s radio.

She paused a moment, remembering Kenbrink’s body, and the desolation she’d felt at the loss of his research, and thinking it had been her fault. She still had some responsibility—she’d thought it was the real notebook when she’d so foolishly tossed it out that window. That had been wrong, and she thought she’d paid the price for it. But she hoped the real notebook was inside the kit. It meant Monica was a liar, and had discarded Ani and Ani’s dreams for her own convenience. But it also meant the data was there to be mined, and maybe it would help someone.

“Ani,” Tan said. “Let me. Let me inventory what’s inside. Eve, take some pictures.”

“Oh, of course. Duh!” Eve moved in to snap the kit, still locked in the ice, then another of Tan freeing it. Her camera continued to click while Ani stood to one side, wanting to pull the kit out of the ice, but understanding that Tan was the only one of them with an official tie to GlacierPoint.

Tan opened the Velcro closure, then unrolled the waterproof seal to get to the zipper. Whatever was inside, Monica had taken no chances. The zipper finally parted, Tan opened it and sighed.

“Well, one very frozen energy bar, spare gloves and this.”

It had a bright blue cover, and Kenbrink was printed in block letters across the front. Ani let out the breath she’d been holding, maybe for as long as three years.

“The nerve,” Lisa muttered.

Tan undid the fasteners and tilted the notebook toward Eve’s camera. “Well, the pages aren’t blank.” She fanned through it, reaching almost three-quarters before she encountered the first empty page.

Ani shook her head slightly, trying to clear her swimming eyes. “I didn’t think I’d feel so sad.”

“Feet of clay where we saw only the heroine of our cause.”

Tan was right. She didn’t want to believe it because of what Professor Monica Tyndell was trying to do for the world. Tonk leaned hard against her legs and she leaned back, glad for the warmth and the support. She was sad, very sad, to discover her idol was a human being, and not a very good one at that. She seemed to care more for people collectively than as individuals. “Is there any way this is innocent?”

“No,” Lisa said emphatically. “If there was an innocent explanation she would have given it to all of you the moment she told you about the accident. If the guy gave it to her for safety before he died, or she took it for that reason, she would have said. But her guilty act caused her to act guilty, and then she covered her tracks with your body, Ani.”

Eve, her camera at rest, said, “I think she’s right, Ani. I’m really very sorry. I see no reason to go on giving her any benefit of any doubt.”

Ani realized she was angry, too. Her dad had had a saying, Don’t get mad, get even. But she didn’t want to get even. She wanted back what had been taken. There was nothing Monica could give up that would replace it, so what did she really want that she could have that fixed the past? Wasn’t fixing the future far more important? “I don’t quite know what to do with it next.”

Tan, rising to her feet, said, “That’s not your decision. I’m going to return the notebook to the rightful owner—that would be Kenbrink’s research partner. But not before we let Monica know that we know.”

Ani turned away from the scene—she never wanted to see it again. Someone dead, and more than just her dreams stolen.

They were mostly quiet as they went back to the camp. The tents were turned inside out to dry in the sun, their backpacks were mostly refilled, and the last pot of hot water had been wrapped in a sleeping bag in the hope that it might still be warm.

Tan judged it not quite warm enough, quickly lit the burner and in a few minutes they were enjoying another round of instant coffee. Eve, smiling, produced one last bag of treats—five large snickerdoodles.

Ani hoped she sounded more civilized than Tonk as she devoured hers.

“I ought to be putting on the pounds eating this way,” Lisa said, “but this has been hard work. Fun—but hard.”

Tan gave her a sidelong look and they both bloomed into vivid red.

Eve laughed. “You two look so guilty.”

“All I’m saying…” Lisa paused to lick her fingers free of sugar and cinnamon. “All I’m saying is that you were wrong about getting stuck together.”

Tan, blushing but looking very smug, added, “And all I’m saying is that I think we were quieter than you two were.”

Ani was blushing and she didn’t care. “Hey—we weren’t listening. We were focused.”

Eve held up her hands. “This topic ends now.”

Ani agreed. Even among friends there were things that were still private. “I think I should radio Meg and let her know we’ll be ready for pick up earlier than we planned.” Ani rinsed out her mug with some slush off the top of the ice, added it to the collection nesting in the cook pot, and they set about getting the gear fully stowed. One by one they got into their packs, cinched, tightened and fell into step.

Ani shook off her sadness—and some of the anger. She still didn’t know what she wanted from Monica, but she had what she truly valued, and that took the edge off her desire for retribution.

“Hey you,” Eve called. “Do we have to walk single file?”

Ani glanced over her shoulder as she held out her hand. “No. Side-by-side will be just fine.”

* * *

“Tan, what can I do for you?”

Tan moved into Monica’s office, and Ani followed her.

Monica’s eyebrows skyrocketed. “Ani? What brings you here, of all places?”

Tan shut the door and Ani watched all the color drain out of Monica’s face. She knows, Ani thought. She couldn’t get out of her symposium to keep track of Ani’s contact with others, had tried to get Ani to leave with that offer of a job, even tried to hustle Eve out of town. Lisa had wanted to organize tar and feathers, but Eve had agreed whatever Ani and Tan decided she would certainly accept.

Looking brisk and efficient in one of her no-nonsense suits, Tan unwrapped Monica’s kit from a shopping bag and set it on her desk. “This is yours.”

Ani watched Monica’s gaze dart from Tan, to her, to the kit, as if she hoped they really hadn’t opened it.

“This is not yours.” Tan took out a large Ziploc, with the bright blue cover facing Monica. She handed the plastic bag to Ani to hold. She withdrew the last item from the bag, a file folder. Opening it, she set it in front of Monica. “These are the three letters you’re going to sign.”

Monica licked her lips and two bright spots of furious color dotted her still pale cheeks. “Are you blackmailing me?”

“Blackmail is immoral.” Tan took a pen from the breast pocket of her jacket. She set it alongside the folder and added, “I don’t want to debate morals with you right now.”

Monica didn’t want to look down at the letters, it was plain. Ani could see the wheels within wheels turning as she tried to find a way out of the situation.

Slowly, she said, “Ani, you were always special to me, and I’m sorry you took matters into your own hands.”

“I was just being a good student,” Ani said. “Read the letters.”

Monica rose from behind her desk, her royal blue polo showing off the white slacks. She was unflappably elegant and Ani understood some of Lisa’s bitter desire to see her, just once, out of her league. Ani took a reflexive step backward.

Monica didn’t get too close, but she was closer than she needed to be. All at once Ani could smell her perfume, and she flinched when Monica reached over to brush hair away from Ani’s eyes. “I had such plans for you.”

There it was. How could she have not seen it before? Monica wanted to confuse her. Lisa was right. With a clear voice, she said, “That doesn’t work on me. Read the letters.”

When a sad shake of the head, Monica turned to Tan. “I’m not sure what the administrative department head thinks her jurisdiction is here, but you are out of bounds.”

“I don’t think so.” Tan waved a hand at the letters. “The first letter is to the provost at Toronto University, returning this notebook and explaining that during a thorough inventory, it had turned up in an abandoned kit. You offer the sincere apologies of the university for jumping to the conclusion that the notebook found earlier was the missing one, and stopping the search.”

Monica’s jaw hardened. Ani knew this version of the woman, too. This woman was the one who fought for grant money, for schedules and space in journals for global warming topics. The world was finally listening, and partly because Monica could be so soft and hide so much steel. Destroying her didn’t get Ani back what she had lost.

“That’s all very convenient. It doesn’t change the fact that Anidyr Bycall destroyed a notebook she knew didn’t belong to her.”

“Very true. Ani has paid for her transgression with three years of academic suspension.” Tan gestured at the folder. “Read the other two letters. Or I will take them to the dean, and he’ll read them. And hear the whole story, see photographs of where we found the notebook, and have access to two more witnesses about when and where we found it. And since these letters solve everyone’s problems, he’ll order you to sign them, or be publicly censured and humiliated. Much the same way Ani was.”

There was a knock on the door, startling Ani and sending her heart rate even higher.

 Tan responded, said, “Not now” to whoever it was and closed the door again. “I have an appointment with the dean in fifteen minutes. I’ll deliver those letters signed or unsigned. It’s up to you.”

Another woman might have flounced into the chair, but Monica coolly returned to her seat and pulled the letters toward her. “Dean Malmoat, School of blah blah blah, dear Dean, blah blah blah,” she read. “In the matter of the missing Kenbrink notebook, I acted with poor judgment regarding the facts of the matter, and allowed one of my graduate students to take unnecessary blame in that affair. I accept responsibility for my actions, and ask you to place this letter in my permanent file, for the eyes of disciplinary and advancement review committees only.” She looked up at Tan. “How very big of me, to make sure the powers that be are watching me more closely in the future.”

“I doubt that will limit you in any substantial way. Now the other one.”

Ani couldn’t believe how calm Tan was. Her heart was pounding so loudly she had to strain to hear. It was like watching a standoff at the UN.

“Dean Malmoat, blah blah blah all over again, members of the admissions committee, and so forth.” Monica sighed. “In the matter of graduate student Anidyr Bycall, new evidence clears her of involvement in the destruction or loss of the Kenbrink notes. As such, I ask you to reinstate the record of her first year of work. Should she wish to apply to finish her doctoral program, I further request her scholarship be reinstated and she be assigned to a different advisor.”

The room was now so still that Ani could hear the footsteps of people in the hallway beyond the closed door.

Without looking at either of them, Monica picked up her own pen and signed all three documents. Tan scooped up the folder and tucked it under her arm. Ani gave her back the notebook.

“Thank you,” Tan said.

“That’s it?” Monica’s gaze was on the pen she’d set down on her desk blotter.

“Should there be more?”

Monica lifted her gaze then, going directly to Ani. Bizarrely, there was a hint of betrayal in her look, as if Ani had played traitor to something she didn’t understand. “Don’t you even want to know what happened?”

Tan lifted her chin slightly. “It doesn’t change anything. It wasn’t yours. You had it. You didn’t say you had it, and you let someone else take the blame for the theft and destruction.”

“I thought more ice would come down on him. The notebook was open, under layers of slush and ice. I thought the notes would be ruined. I took them, made sure they were safe, and then the wall came down on me. I was lucky to get myself out alive. I knew no one would believe me—and you just proved my theory.”

“I’d have believed you,” Ani said. “Your students would have believed you.”

“I would have believed you, too.” Tan turned to the door.

“I tried to make it up to Ani. I got her a great job, if she’d only been bright enough to get in touch again.”

Wow, Ani thought. Everything is someone else’s shortcomings.

“I helped out Eve, too.”

Ani didn’t say anything about Eve’s friend Bennie, who was going to be buying Monica out of the Dragonfly. There was no point.

“Do you believe me now?” There was nothing plaintive in Monica’s expression, nothing of regret or remorse.

“I believe there’s a truth you still haven’t told, and you never will tell it because it’s not in your nature.” Ani looked back from the now open door. She’d never felt tall in Monica’s office, but today she did. “We all had faith in you. But your lack of faith in us was a real problem.”

As she and Tan walked toward the dean’s office, she asked, “Did my father really dig your car out of a snowbank?”

“Sure. But that’s not why I’m doing this.”

“You’re just doing your job.”

“Yes, and Lisa wouldn’t give me peace any other way.”

“I have to say I’m glad to hear that keeping peace with Lisa matters to you. It’s the only way to survive her.”

“I’m not a fool.”

Ani smiled and felt far less nervous than she had a few minutes ago. After facing down Professor Tyndell’s calculated deceits, a mere dean was nothing. She wasn’t sure if she’d reenroll. However, if the scholarship were put back on the table—and Tan wasn’t sure that was possible after three years—she would seriously consider it.

Lisa had asked her, on that long flight, what she wanted to be when she grew up. She’d said a glacial geologist—she wasn’t so sure now. She didn’t want to turn into Monica Tyndell. But she didn’t want her father’s lack of choices. So she was going to consider her options, talk it over with the most important person in her life, and then decide.

The Bycalls weren’t fools. They knew to come in out of sub-freezing temperatures. She’d learned her lesson. Talking through her future with Eve was the most important part of making sure they had a future together.

* * *

 “Tan must be short for something.” Lisa was trying to make small talk as they stood next to the rental car parked in front of the Dragonfly. Her coat was on the car seat and she had returned to her clinging tank top and sweater-around-the-shoulders attire. It seemed to Ani that Tan wasn’t trying to hide that she really enjoyed the way Lisa was shaped, and that was as it should be.

Eve had made them a last meal together, just after closing, of shepherd’s pie and strawberry-apple-rhubarb cobbler. Ani and Lisa had to leave now to be comfortably sure of making their first flight to Seattle. Ani wasn’t looking forward to the red-eye into Atlanta. She wasn’t looking forward to any of it.

“It is.” Tan looked funereal, though she tried to smile. “Attankat.”

“Oh. I think I prefer Kat.”

Tan gave her a sideways look. “Only in private.”

“Okay, but you can’t ever call me Myra.”

“Why would I call you Myra?”

“It’s my name, silly. You promise you’ll come visit?”

“Yes, silly.”

Ani squeezed Eve’s hands. “I promise, I’ll be back. I’ll be back as soon as I pack up my stuff, close my accounts and can book another flight.”

“I’ll miss you every minute.” Eve had taken off her chef’s smock and Ani didn’t think she’d ever tire of seeing her in that shade of aqua with her bright yellow hair. It was her favorite, next to au naturel.

The last four days had been exhilarating. Any administrative decision from GlacierPort would be slow in coming, and it had been healing to Ani to relax and play. They’d quit the motel, Lisa staying with Tan, and Ani feeling as if she’d moved in, finally, with Eve. Her boxes were back in Eve’s garage, and her photos back on the dresser. Tonk was there to slurp her toes in the shower, and she had made Eve dessert in bed, every night. Sometimes, as it had in the past, dessert had even included food.

The problem was, she’d promised Eve she would never leave her, and now she was. “I’m coming back,” she said again.

Tan was kissing Lisa as if she hadn’t just done so thirty seconds earlier. Ani wanted to cry too much to pucker up properly. Eve’s eyes, the exact color of today’s summer sky, were shimmering with unshed tears.

She wasn’t sure how she got into the driver’s seat. She dashed away her tears. Eve was all blues and greens in the rearview mirror.

She started the engine, pulled away from the curb. Slammed on the brakes.

Lisa clutched the dashboard. “Damn it, Ani! What was that for?”

Ani backed up, killed the engine, got out and marched around to where Tan was still standing next to Eve. “Okay, I don’t feel like being a brave little soldier right now. I’ve discovered if you don’t ask people for things, you won’t get anything, so I’m asking. How would you like a free trip to Key West? You have to leave now, and you have pack up a bunch of crap when you get there and ship it here.” There were a dozen bartenders who would jump at her job. Tan would love eighteen hours sitting next to Lisa. They’d probably join the Mile High Club or something. Regardless, neither of them would notice the airless, stuffy plane.

Lisa got out of the SUV, looking too scared of disappointment to say anything.

Ani continued, “I can close my bank accounts by phone or Internet or something, can’t I? Call my landlady and tell her to give you my deposit—like there’ll be anything back from her. Give stuff that’s too useless to ship to my neighbor Shiwan, she can use kitchen stuff, and—”

“Tell you what.” Tan put her hands on Ani’s shoulders. “Get yourself a goshdarned cell phone and we’ll talk it over when I get there.”

Lisa made a little noise and burst into tears.

“Honey.” Tan went to her, pulling her close. “I wasn’t lying. I was going to visit soon as I could. Apparently, that would be right now, because I was about to chase the car when Ani stopped.”

“So was I,” Eve said. She slipped her hand into Ani’s. There were still tears, but Eve’s brilliant smile was all that mattered to Ani.

“Can you drive this thing?” Tan pulled back to look into Lisa’s eyes. “I have to make some phone calls along the way.”

Lisa regained her composure. “Of course I can.” She held out a hand, palm up to Ani.

Ani gave her the keys. She had a feeling that Tan might not be alone when she came back. Alaska had as many bars as there were roads to lead to them, and Lisa would find work easily, one way or another. If that wasn’t how it worked out, then she was also willing to bet Tan might find a university in a warmer climate that wanted a highly skilled administrative miracle worker. Either way, they were going to be happy because neither believed obstacles could ever be insurmountable. They were the same, on the inside.

Lisa kissed Tan on the lips and said, “Let’s blow this popsicle stand.”

* * *

Ani stirred to find Eve snuggled in her arms. She blinked in the late evening light—not quite sunset. After eleven, maybe.

Eve stirred. “Hey, sleepyhead. I wondered when you’d wake up.”

“You wore me out.”

“Good.”

Ani felt a certain gnawing in her stomach. “Snack time?”

There was a clatter from Tonk’s collar.

“The both of you—I swear.” Eve swung her legs over the edge of the bed. “It’s a little chillier tonight. Put on something warm.” She disappeared into the bathroom.

“Okay.” Ani found a pair of sweats. Sitting on the porch might be nice, with hot cocoa. There had been no phone call, so she presumed Tan and Lisa were on their way to Seattle by now.

She and Eve traded places in the bathroom. She frowned at her reflection—her hair was having its own fun, which it often did after a nap. She fussed at it a little bit because Eve was worth the fuss.

By the time she got to the kitchen, Eve handed her the little picnic basket, Tonk’s gaze following its transfer. Ani grinned and got her boots.

After Eve parked the van, Tonk eagerly loped ahead of them, having forgotten, for now, that the contents of the basket could prove delicious for him as well. Ani had an insulated tarp slung over her shoulder.

They settled on the glacier with the two people on one half of the tarp, and Tonk happily splayed out on the other half. Snacks were produced, and Ani’s stomach was content.

“Thank you.” She pulled Eve into the circle of her arms. The lights were coming up green and gold and pink, with even a hint of orange—quite a show. “I love how romantic you are.”

“Good. I thought this was better than my other plan.”

“Which was?”

“Make you into a soup and mop you up with a slice of bread.”

“You are such a chef.” Ani was fairly certain she could live with food metaphors for the rest of her life.

Eve snuggled closer. The lights danced over them as Ani rested her chin on the top of Eve’s head. Midnight on a glacier with the woman she loved—it was magic. It was hers to keep. She was home to stay.

Sometime later, Eve said, “Okay, I’m getting cold and stiff.” She moved out of Ani’s arms, and opened the picnic basket. “Time to warm up.”

Ani expected another thermos with something hot to drink, but instead it was a little music player with a tiny speaker. Eve pressed a button, and the sound of Chubby Checker’s “The Twist” spilled over the ice, inviting them to go round and round.

Eve got to her feet, then looked down at Ani. Her face was glowing with pinks and yellows, her mouth curved in a loving smile. She held out a hand. “Dance with me?”

“Yes,” Ani said.

The End

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