Acknowledgements

Special Thanks to:

Leah

Barbara

Jenny

Stephanie

Lisa

Susan

Jessica

Kate

Sue

and Jane

Extra special thanks to Leah Zicari for letting me use her song lyrics as the poems in this book. Check her music out iTunes, Amazon, www.cdbaby.com and www.youtube.com.

Carrie and Hope

Joy Argento

Ride the Rainbow Books

www.RideTheRainbowBooks.com

This book is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons living or dead or actual events are purely coincidental.

Books are not transferable. It is an infringement on the copyright to sell, share or give away this work without written permission from the author.

“Carrie and Hope” Copyright  © 2011 by Joy Argento

“Safe Hands” Copyright ©2004 Leah Zicari, used by permission

“Run” Copyright ©2003 Leah Zicari, used by permission

“Saint Jude” Copyright ©2006 Leah Zicari, used by permission

Chapter 1

 “So what do you think, Gram?” Carrie asked. She squeezed a little more moisturizing lotion out of the small white tube and rubbed her hands together to warm it. The rich smell of spicy vanilla filled the room, displacing the smell of disinfectant in the air.

Carrie picked up her grandmother’s hand and gently worked the lotion into the old woman’s skin. Eleanor Brice’s hand looked all of its seventy-four years. Blue veins were visible through the thin skin, speckled with brown age spots. Her face, however, belied her age. She could have easily passed for a woman ten years younger.

Sunlight poured through two large windows and fell gracefully onto pastel green walls.  Carrie, still dressed in the dark blue Dockers and long sleeve pale pink shirt that she wore to work, sat in one of the two chairs in the room next to the hospital bed. The other chair sat against the far wall. The sparsely furnished room included two small tables, one on each side of the headboard.

“I am only telling this to you, Gram,” Carrie continued. She leaned forward a little in her chair, and lowered her voice. “I’m sure everyone else would think it’s premature, but I think it might help. I am not sure how to handle this. Maybe talking to other people about it would help. I don’t know what else to do or where else to go to help me figure this out.” Carrie began working on her grandmother’s other hand in the same way with a fresh dab of lotion.

 “I know what you are thinking. You think I can just talk to Mom about this. Right? Well, just between you and me”, Carrie lowered her voice again until it was just above a whisper. “I think Mom is in major denial.” Carrie placed the old woman’s hand down gently on the bed. “Talking to her doesn’t work. I think she is feeling just as lost about this as I am, but she won’t admit it.”

 “How is our favorite resident?” the nurse asked Carrie as she entered the room. “How are you doing today, Mrs. Brice?” She addressed the older woman directly, as she pulled her blanket down on the bed a little and folded it over.

“She’s doing the same,” Carrie said to the nurse. “I was just putting some lotion on her hands. She always likes to keep her hands soft. And we were having a nice little chat.”

The nurse smiled at Carrie. “You are such a good granddaughter. Visiting your grandmother so often. I’m sure she appreciates it.”

“So how are you today, Marge?” Carrie asked the nurse. They had talked on several other occasions when Carrie visited her grandmother.

“Very busy. Planning my daughter’s wedding. She doesn’t want to listen to any of my ideas and all we seem to do it butt heads.” Marge shook her head. Her short red hair swept back and forth. “Kids. What are you going to do with them?”

“How old is she?” Carrie asked politely.

“Thirty-two. This is her third wedding.” Marge said as she pushed black-rimmed glasses farther up on her nose.

Carrie brought her attention back to her grandmother. “Do you think she hears anything that I’m saying to her?” Carrie had asked this question before. She asked the doctor when her grandmother was first brought into the hospital, and she repeated it to several of the staff members at the nursing home after her grandmother was moved there.

Her grandmother had been a healthy, active senior citizen just three months ago, living in her own apartment in Hill Manor Senior Apartments. She still did her own cooking and cleaning, rarely needing help with anything. A slip and fall in her bathroom caused the coma that stilled her life, a feeding tube the only thing standing between life and death.

Carrie had been at her grandmother’s bedside every day after work and every weekend in the first few weeks after the accident. Now, she tried to come at least every other day. It was begining to wear on her and make her feel much older than her thirty-four years.

The nurse patted Carrie’s hand. “I would like to think that she hears and understands every word you say. But I really don’t know, Miss Martin.”

“Please call me Carrie.”

“Carrie,” the nurse repeated. “Anything I can get for you? Would you like a cup of coffee? We have a fresh pot at the nurses’ station.” She fussed a little more with the blankets.

Carrie shook her head. Her dark blond hair moved gently over her shoulders as she did. It hung down longer than she normally wore it. She just hadn’t bothered to take the time to get it cut since her grandmother’s accident. “No, thank you. I’m all set,” she said to the nurse.

Carrie appreciated the kind and accommodating staff at the Sunnyside Nursing Home. She knew that her grandmother was in good hands. Marge nodded and quietly slipped out of the room, softly closing the door behind her. Carrie was once again alone with her grandmother.

She leaned over and brushed a stray piece of gray hair from her grandmother’s forehead. “So where was I? Oh yeah, I found a group that meets tomorrow night. It’s pretty close by here in fact. I know most people would think that joining a grief support group would be a stupid idea, but Gram I miss you and I feel like even though you are here and still breathing,” Carrie brushed a tear as it escaped from her green eyes and rolled down her cheek. “Well, I just feel like I’ve lost you and I miss you. I don’t know what else to do. So I’m going to go to this group and see if it helps to talk to other people. I’ll let you know how it goes.”

Carrie reached over and picked up the gossip magazine that lay on the table by her grandmother’s bed. She flipped through it trying to find an article that she thought her grandmother would like. She finally settled on an article about George Clooney and began to read it out loud to her.

“Did you like that story, Gram?” she asked when she finished reading. “I know you have a little crush on George. What is it that you always said about him? Oh yeah. ‘He’s a really good looking fella.’ Remember saying that Gram?”

Carrie laughed at the memory. She had a lot of memories of her grandmother. She spent the first seventeen years of her life living next door to her. Carrie loved her mom and they got along like most mothers and daughters. Sometimes they got along fine and other times they…well, other times they didn’t get along fine. They went through a particularly rough time in their relationship when Carrie was in her teens. But no matter how she was getting along with her mother, Carrie loved going next door and visiting her grandmother. Her grandmother was special. She loved nothing better than spending the day with her “Grammy” as she called her when she was little.

Grammy’s house always felt warm and inviting. The smell of something baking filled the air. Gram was free with her hugs and always had time for Carrie. If she showed up at Grammy’s house while Grammy was making pies, she would stop long enough to break off a piece of dough and hand it to Carrie along with her very own little rolling pin that she kept in the kitchen drawer. Carrie would work that piece of dough until it was smooth and flat and round. Grammy helped her crimp the edges around the miniature size pie pan and cut off the extra crust that hung over the edge. Together they would fill the pies with fresh fruit and sugar and put them in the oven. Carrie always got to turn the dial on the old white timer and set it on the table while the pies baked.

Carrie had considered her grandmother to be more than a grandmother. She was a second mother and her best friend. Her grandpa had died suddenly when Carrie was fourteen. It was a very rough time for her grandmother, but Carrie spent even more time with her to help out in any way she could. It brought them even closer together.

Carrie could talk to her grandmother about anything, school, friends, her hopes and her dreams. Her grandmother in return, told her stories about what it was like when she was a child and what it was like growing up in the “olden days” before every house had indoor plumbing or electricity.

Now Carrie was doing all of the talking, and she hoped that at least her grandmother was listening.

Chapter 2

Carried leaned back against the wall across from the door. The drab, gray hallway reminded her of a basement. The dim light from a single light bulb did nothing to change that impression. She looked at the door and read the room number again. Yes. Room seventeen, the room for the grief support group. Now that she was here she wasn’t sure that she wanted to go in. The people in that room had all lost loved ones and she hadn’t. Her grandmother was still alive. Did she have a right to be here? Was her grief premature? Was she dismissing her grandmother as dead before she really was? She stood up straight, lifting her back from the wall. She smoothed down her V-neck light blue pull over shirt. It wasn’t fancy, but it was dressier than the tee shirts she often wore when she wasn’t working. Carrie looked once again at the number on the door as if it would tell her what to do. It didn’t.

She was still standing there when a woman rounded the corner and almost ran right into her.

“Oh my God. I’m so sorry,” the woman said as she stopped a step short of Carrie. The woman was a couple of inches taller than Carrie’s five-foot, five height. She had dark brown hair with a little bit of a wave to it. It hung a couple of inches below her shoulder. Carrie guessed her to be about the same age, maybe a little bit older. Carrie’s attention was immediately drawn to the amber brown eyes of the woman that stood before her. They were ringed in a much darker brown with flecks of gold. She wore just a hint of make up. Her soft features were accentuated by a summer tan that still lingered despite the fact that it was nearly fall.

Carrie took a sideways step. “No, it was my fault,” she said to the attractive stranger. The dark green floral print blouse and black dress pants that she wore gave her an understated elegant look.

The woman continued to look at Carrie. She hesitated before speaking. “Are you here for the grief support group?” She raised her eyebrows slightly with the question, making those brown eyes seem even bigger and brighter, even with the bad lighting in the hallway.

Carrie cleared her throat. “Um, well, good question. I am still deciding if I want to go in.”

The woman ran her fingers through her hair, smoothing it down with a bit of anxiety. The dark brown waves fell back into place as the fingers released them. “I am not sure I want to go in either to tell you the truth. But I promised someone I would. So if it would help, we can sit together.” A bit of a smile tugged at the corners of her mouth.

Carrie sensed her nervousness. “Okay,” she said. “I’ll go in. I made it this far, I may as well go all the way.”

The woman held open the door and gestured for Carrie to go in first. Carrie nodded her thanks and crossed the threshold. Several people were standing around a room that was as dimly lit as the hallway had been. Carrie wondered if this was done purposely to try to give the room a somber feel. If so, it was working. In the center of the room sat twelve metal folding chairs arranged in a loose circle. A long table with a cheap, yellow plastic tablecloth sat against the wall on the right hand side. It held several plates of cookies, cheese and crackers, and other goodies. A coffee maker with a full pot of coffee sat next to the food.

A tall man with a thick, dark mustache and thin, greasy, black hair watched the two women walk into the room. Tufts of curly black hair peeked out of the top of his tight-fitting faded old Yankee tee shirt. His eyes traveled up the length of each woman in turn, pausing on their breasts before briefly looking at their faces. Carrie was sure she saw him wink at her. She turned to her companion to see if she noticed his strange and rude behavior. She hadn’t. Her attention was on the plates of sugar cookies on the table.

A well dress middle-aged man entered the room through a second doorway in the back. There was a cheerful air about him despite the lack of a smile on his face. He carried a stack of paper napkins and a box of Kleenex with him. He placed the napkins on the table near the coffee maker and held the box of tissues in his hand as he turned and surveyed the people in the room before speaking. 

“Hello, can I get everyone’s attention please? Everyone.” The room grew quiet as the group turned towards the speaker. “All right. I think everyone is here now,” he said. “If you would each like to take a chair we can get started.”

The people slowly made their way to the circle of chairs. Carrie sat down next to the woman she had met at the door. She ran her hands over her jeans as if she were wiping off sweaty palms. It was a nervous habit that she had picked up despite the fact that her hands were dry. She looked around at the small group seated there. The doubts crept back in. She wasn’t sure this was where she belonged. The feeling that she was betraying her grandmother overwhelmed her. Her eyes filled with tears and she fought the urge to cry.

The group leader spoke again. “I would like to welcome everyone here tonight.” He passed the box of Kleenex around the circle. Carrie pulled out several of the thin sheets and wiped her eyes. “I think we’ll get started here by going around the group and introducing ourselves and saying a little bit about why we are here. You can say what ever you are comfortable with. We’ll get into more in-depth discussions the next time we meet. But for now, let’s just get to know each other a little. I’ll start.” All eyes were on the man as he told the group his name was Eric. He decided to start this group after finding help with his own grieving process after losing his wife only four years into their marriage in a car accident, thirteen years ago. This was his fourth time leading a support group like this one. When he finished his story he asked the young woman on his left to introduce herself.

Each person in turn took the floor and told their stories of sadness and the loss that brought them here. Each story was filled with emotion and pain, until the man with the thick mustache and greasy hair took the floor.

“Hello, everyone.” He smiled showing a mouth full of nicotine-yellowed teeth. “My name is Mike and my wife died four months ago and I have decided that it is time to get over my grief and get out into the world again. I’m tired of being alone when I have so much to offer. So, I figured I got to get over this grief thing if I am going to find the next Miss Right.”

Is this guy for real? Carrie thought. She looked around the circle as he continued to talk. A few people looked a little shocked by what he had said but most looked like they were too absorbed in their own thoughts to notice. He went on and on about putting himself back into circulation. He sounded more like a bad ad for a dating service than someone that was missing his spouse. After several minutes of his rambling, the group leader cut him off.

“Thanks, Mike,” Eric said. “I think we’ll stop here and take a fifteen-minute break. We’ll finish up the introductions after that. Please feel free to help yourself to the snacks and coffee on the table.” He stood up and headed directly to the coffee.

Carrie leaned forward in her chair and rested her chin on her hands with her elbows on her thighs. The threat of tears had stopped, but she was still feeling out of place. She closed her eyes and took a deep breathe as the rest of the group, including the friendly stranger from the hallway, got up from their chairs and headed towards the food. The sound of a chair scraping the floor next to her, made her open her eyes and look at the person who sat down in the chair next to her.

She looked into Mike’s beady eyes. His hair looked even greasier up close. “Hey,” Mike said. Carrie saw the wink again. “I just wanted you to know that I noticed you and I’m a good listener if you want to talk about your grief or yourself or anything. I’m really good at umm, listening. If you get my drift.”

Carrie couldn’t believe her ears. “No, thank you.” She shook her head.

“Oh, come on. Don’t be like that. I’m just offering my services to help in your time of need.” he flashed her a grin that made her stomach lurch.

“Services?” she grimaced, sorry that she asked as soon as the words were out of her mouth.

“Yeah, you know what I’m talking about.”

Carrie wasn’t rude by nature but didn’t see a way out of this but to be blunt. “Well, I’m not interested.”

“Oh come on, baby, we could be good together. I just know it.” Carrie couldn’t believe the nerve of this guy.

“Really. Not. Interested.” Carrie said a little more harshly than she intended. Mike got up without another word. Carrie watched him strut over to the woman she had talked to outside the door. She watched the animated conversation. The woman took a step backwards away from him but he moved forward each time she stepped back. Unbelievable. Carrie thought. I should go over and rescue her.

 Carrie forced herself to her feet and headed for Mike and the friendly brown-eyed woman. “Excuse me, Mike. I need to speak to ummm…” Carrie realized she didn’t know the woman’s name. “…er, um, this beautiful lady here.”  Oh my God, I can’t believe I just said that.

 “Will you excuse me?” the beautiful lady said to Mike as Carrie pulled her away by the elbow. She turned to Carrie. “Thank you so much. I couldn’t seem to get that guy away from me.” Her smile spread across her face. “I owe you one.”

 “I was actually thinking of leaving. I am not sure this is the group for me,” Carrie confessed. She shrugged her shoulders.

 “How about I buy you a cup of coffee somewhere? I don’t feel much like staying either. My name is Hope by the way.” She put out her hand. “Hope Garret.”

 “Carrie Martin,” Carrie said, shaking Hope’s extended hand. “I would love to go get coffee, or maybe a drink? I feel like I could use a gin and tonic about now. I think there is a quiet little bar that we could walk to just down the street. If that’s okay with you.”

 “Sure, that would be great. Should we say something to Eric, or just leave?”  Carrie looked at Eric. He was engrossed in a conversation with two women.

 “I say we sneak out,” Carrie answered in a low husky whisper.

 “Then let’s do it,” Hope said. She grabbed Carrie’s hand and headed towards the door. She dropped her hand as soon as the door closed behind them. Both women burst out laughing.

 “Oh my God. That was intense. Except for that Mike guy. He was just gross. You didn’t have to leave with me. But, I’m glad you did,” Carrie said, tucking a stray lock of her blond hair behind her ear. A blush crept into her face giving her normally pale skin a pink glow.

 “No, I was glad to leave. I really didn’t want to be here in the first place. Now let’s go find that bar.”

 The early evening air was unusually warm for mid-September. The weather in Western New York could vary greatly in late summer but the past week had been unusually sunny and warm. The women made small talk as they walked the two blocks under the bright streetlights to the small bar on the corner of Monroe Avenue and Club Street.

 Carrie held the heavy, wooden door open for Hope. She blinked several times as they entered to let her eyes adjust to the darkness inside. A few booths with thick green cushions, lined the wall to the right and small tables with chairs were set around the center of the room. Shelves of alcohol, surrounding a mirror sporting the name Budweiser in the familiar logo, sat on the back wall behind the long bar. The place was empty except for two older men playing pool at the table in the corner and two younger men sitting at the bar drinking. A barstool separated them. Soft music drifted through the air, cut occasionally by the sound of pool balls hitting together.

 Carrie led the way to the stools at the far side of the bar, away from the two young men. “How’s this?” she asked Hope.

 “This works,” Hope answered. She set her small purse on the bar as she slid her body easily onto the tall barstool.

 Carrie sat on the stool next to the wall, swiveled it towards Hope and said, “I hope you don’t mind that I suggested a drink instead of coffee.”

 “No, not at all. I was just glad to get out of there. Although I did feel a little like a teenager skipping out of class.” Hope smiled, revealing a row of perfect, white teeth.

 Carrie laughed. “I know what you mean. I felt a little weird leaving like that, too. But going there was a bad idea.”

 The tall bartender appeared in front of the two women. His long bleached blond hair was pulled back in a loose ponytail. His quick smile revealed a wide gap between his front teeth. He wiped his hands on a small towel tucked into his waistband and asked, “What can I get for you ladies?”

 Hope looked at Carrie and said, “You wanted a gin and tonic, right?”

 Carrie smiled and nodded, surprised that Hope remembered the drink she had mentioned earlier.

 Hope turned back to the bartender. “One gin and tonic and I’ll have a umm…I’ll have a screwdriver, please.” Hope looked momentarily flustered before she added in a low voice. “Hold the vodka.”

 The bartender smiled and leaned closer to her. “One gin and tonic and one virgin screwdriver, coming right up,” he said in an equally low voice.

 Hope tilted her head slightly and looked over at Carrie, shrugging her shoulders. “I don’t really drink,” she said. “Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against it. I just never developed a taste for alcohol.”

 “I am so sorry. We should have gone for coffee like you suggested,” Carrie said.

 “No, no. You get your drink and I am perfectly happy with orange juice. Not a problem at all.” She opened her purse, took out a bill and set it in front of her. “So,” she said turning once again to Carrie. “If you don’t mind my asking, how come you think going to that meeting was a bad idea? I don’t mean to be so blunt, but who was it that died?”

“Hmm, well, I guess that’s the problem. No one died. Yet,” Carrie struggled to explain.

“I’m not sure I understand. Doesn’t one usually go to a grief support group because someone died?” Hope’s words were soft and kind.

“My grandmother is actually still alive, but she has been in a coma for almost three months. A vegetative state, the doctors call it.  I go and visit her a lot and talk to her, but she can’t talk back. I’m not even sure if she can hear what I am saying to her. I just miss her so much that I thought it might be a good idea to go to a grief support group.”

Carrie thought for a moment that Hope was going to touch her shoulder, but placed her hand on the bar instead.  Her eyes never left Carrie as she asked, “So why did you decide that it wasn’t a good idea after all? Why did you want to leave?”

“Because I felt like I was writing my grandmother off as dead already. I felt like I was being disloyal to her. Does that make any sense?”

“It makes perfect sense,” Hope said to Carrie. The bartender set the drinks down in front of the woman and picked up the money in front of Hope. “Keep the change,” she told him.

Carrie lifted the drink to her lips and took a long swig. The liquid felt cool in her throat as it went down, but warmed when it hit her belly. 

“So, I assume you’re close to your grandmother?” Hope asked.

“Really close. She lived next door and I was over there all time when I was a kid. She lived in this big old farmhouse. It had like five bedrooms in it and only one teeny, tiny bathroom. But it had this huge kitchen that always smelled so good.” Carrie watched the ice dance as she swirled the drink in her hand. “My grandmother always paid attention to me, even when I was just a kid. She made me feel special.” Carrie took another swallow of her drink. “She is the best baker and the two of us were always making something delicious. She taught me what comfort food was. I can’t eat a piece of pie or cake without thinking of my her.”

Carrie paused before going on. “My grandmother may still be alive but she isn’t there anymore. I miss her a lot, but I guess I’m not ready to grieve for her. I just couldn’t face telling a room full of strangers that I missed my grandmother who was…is…still alive. Especially when those people were all talking about someone who had died.” Carrie looked into Hope’s amber brown eyes. “Oh my God. Here I am going on and on and you were there, too. You must have lost someone that you love. I am so sorry.”

“Oh, no, no. Don’t be sorry. Yes I was there, but only because I promised my sister Marcy that I would go. She thinks I’m in denial.” Hope drank a big gulp of her orange juice.

“Denial is the first stage of grief isn’t it? Does your sister think that you are stuck in the denial stage?” Carrie asked.

“Yes, denial is the first stage, but it’s not that I’m stuck there. It’s that I’m not grieving at all. It’s a really long story but the bottom line is that my husband died after a three-year battle with cancer. I didn’t…um, well, I didn’t…”

Carrie sensed her discomfort. “It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

Hope searched Carrie’s deep green eyes. Something in Carrie’s face told her it was okay to go on. “I’ve never said these words out loud to anyone before.” She paused and took a deep breath. She looked down at the drink in her hand, looked up into Carrie’s eyes and continued. “I was going to leave my husband. I was going to leave him, but he told me he had cancer so I stayed.” Hope swallowed hard. “I had even found an apartment for myself and my son, Derrick. Derrick was sixteen at the time. I was going to sign the lease the following day. My marriage hadn’t been working for a long time and I felt like it was time to leave. But my husband Tom was diagnosed with colon cancer, and I decided to stay to help him through it. It ended up that he didn’t get better, and I stayed and took care of him until he died.”

“Did your husband know that you were going to leave him?” Carrie asked quietly.

“No. No one knew. I wasn’t going to tell him until I had everything for my new life worked out.” Hope sighed. “I didn’t want him to try to talk me out of it. I wanted to be ready to go when I told him. And I never told anyone else out of respect for Tom. I didn’t think it was fair to tell someone else before I told him. So I hadn’t said anything to anyone. He wasn’t a bad guy or even a bad husband. He just wasn’t the person I wanted to come home to every day. I’m not sure he ever was. So when he died my primary feeling was guilt.”

“So, you felt guilty because you were going to leave him?” Carrie asked.

“No, I felt guilty because I felt relieved when he died. I know that sounds terrible. But it’s true. I can’t believe I’m telling you this. I have never told this to anyone.”

Carrie put her drink down on the bar. “I feel privileged that you feel comfortable enough to tell me,” she said.

“I’m sorry to burden you with all this. You don’t even know me, yet you are kind enough to listen to me ramble on.”

“Sometimes the best person to tell your secrets to is a complete stranger,” Carrie said. She picked up her drink again and finished the last sip of it. She held it up to get the bartender’s attention. “Round two is on me,” she said to Hope. “Can I get a virgin screwdriver this time?” she asked the bartender as he took Carrie’s empty glass. “And get my friend here a refill, too. Thanks.”

“You don’t have to stop drinking alcohol because of me,” Hope told her. “I don’t have a problem with it.”

“One is my limit when I am driving,” Carrie answered honestly. She accepted the tall glass the bartender handed her. She pulled a ten-dollar bill from the front pocket of her jeans to pay for the drinks. “So go on,” she said to Hope.

“Well, I don’t think a group for grief is going to help me with the feeling of guilt. It’s not that I wanted him to die, because I didn’t. I didn’t want my son to be without his father for one thing. I never wanted that. I fully expected to stay with him until he got better.” Hope sighed. “Tom would be okay for a while, and I would think he would get better and live. Then he would take a turn for the worse, and I was sure he was going to die, and I would set my mind to accepting it. Then he would get better again and the cycle would repeat. My emotions were like a damn yo-yo. It was so draining. Finally he took a turn for the worse and just got sicker and sicker, and it got harder and harder to take care of him. But I did. I took care of him until the end.”

“You are a very special person to do that for him,” Carrie said.

“I certainly don’t feel special. I did what anyone would do.” She finished her first glass of juice and pushed it towards the back of the wide bar before she pulled the new drink closer.

“I disagree. I think you did much more than most people would have done. I don’t think you have anything to feel guilty about, Hope.” Carrie reached over and patted Hope gently on the hand.

They sat without speaking for a couple of minutes. Carrie broke the silence. “So you have a son?”

Hope’s face lit up. “Yes, Derrick’s nineteen now. He goes to college in Buffalo. He is probably going to go into business like his father. He’s a good kid. I’m very proud of him.”

“It shows.” Carrie smiled as Hope brightened with her talk of her son.

“He’s the kind of kid that never causes too much trouble, you know. Well, if we don’t count the three years he was in middle school and his first two years of high school.” Hope let out a small laugh. “But I hear that happens a lot. Luckily, he seemed to come to his senses when he was a junior. I’m pretty sure I heard a loud pop one-day when his head came out of his ass. Not that it doesn’t go back in every once in a while.”

Carrie nearly spit out her juice trying to suppress a laugh. She managed to swallow the liquid without spewing it across the bar and wiped a drip that escaped down her chin.

“Sorry,” Hope said with amusement in her voice. “Didn’t mean to make you choke.” She let out her own wave of laughter.

Carrie smiled at her. “Yeah I can tell by your laugh just how sorry you are.” She shook her head.

“I really am sorry,” Hope said when she finally got the laughing under control. “Oh my God, I haven’t laughed like that in a long time.”

“You should do it more often,” Carrie told her. “It looks good on you.”    

“Thanks.” Hope sipped her fresh drink. “Okay, enough about me. Let’s talk about you. Married? Boyfriend? Kids?” Hope asked.

The bartender set down a fresh bowl of pretzel in front of the women. Hope reached for a handful and pushed the bowl closer to Carrie.

Carrie shook her head at the silent offer. “None of the above.”

“Never?” Hope asked between bites.

“Well, I have had boyfriends if that’s what you are asking. But no, I’ve never had a husband or kids. And no current boyfriend.”

“How come someone as stunning as you doesn’t have a boyfriend?” Hope said. “Sorry. That didn’t sound quite right.”

Carrie smiled wide at the comment and at the flustered look on Hope’s face. “Thanks for the compliment.” She shrugged her shoulders. “I haven’t had anyone special in my life in quite awhile. I just can’t seem to meet a guy that holds my interest for more than a couple of dates, and some for not even that long. My love life is a sad, sad thing.” She grinned at Hope. “ But that’s okay. It gets lonely sometimes but I’m happy with my life for the most part. I certainly don’t need a guy to make me happy.” Carrie thought for a moment. Her face betrayed her regret at her choice of words. “I’m sorry,” she said. “That was insensitive of me, considering everything you have been through.”

“Oh stop it. I didn’t take that personally. I don’t want you to have to watch every word you say,” Hope said.

“Okay, thanks.”

“So what do you do for a living?”

“I am a logistics manager at the Freddrick’s Company. I’m in charge of the warehouse inventory, transportation, some of the customer service area. I know it sounds glamorous, but not so much.”

“Are you trying to tell me that you don’t get to wear an evening gown to work with three inch heels, and the tiara every day?”

“Oh, well, yeah I do. So if you count that, then I guess it is pretty glamorous,” Carrie laughed.

“Wow, doesn’t your evening gown get dirty in the warehouse?”

“That’s why there are several big, huge men whose only job is to carry me around and keep me away from the dirt.”

“Sounds like a dream job,” Hope smiled.

“Actually, it is a pretty good job. I’ve been with the company for twelve years. The benefits are good and I’ve got about a million days of vacation time built up.”

“A million, huh? That’s a lot of vacation time. Do you get that every year?” Hope sipped her drink.

“No, I get four weeks a year because I’ve been there so long, but I haven’t taken much of it, so it just accumulates.”

“You don’t ever take vacations?”

“No, not usually. I don’t feel like going anywhere alone, I do too much alone. I have friends but most of them have husbands or families. I used to take my grandmother to North Carolina every year to visit my brother, but it got hard for her to travel, so we haven’t done that in a while.”

“So what do you do when you aren’t working or visiting your grandmother?”

“I draw and paint,” Carrie said. “I love creating art.”

Hope leaned forward. “What kind of painting do you do?”

“I oil paint…still lifes mostly but I occasionally do portraits or figures. In fact I have been working on a series of rough sketches for a figure show in New York City in April that I want to show my work in. I just need to find a model…” she suddenly stopped talking and looked at Hope.

Hope raised her eyebrows waiting for Carrie to finish. “What?” Hope asked.

Carrie cleared her throat. “Um, I was saying I need a model to use for a set of two paintings for this show in New York City…and I was just deciding if I had enough nerve to ask you if you would consider posing for me.”

“And what did you decide? Do you have enough nerve?” Hope smirked.

“No, probably not. I don’t want you to think I am some sort of weirdo asking you to pose for me when you don’t even know me.”

“Who says I don’t already think you’re a weirdo?” Hope’s smirk turned into a full smile that brightened her face.

“Well, in that case what do I have to lose? Would you consider posing for me? I would pay you, of course. You wouldn’t get rich from it, but I could give you something for your time.” Carrie cleared her throat and watched the look of amusement on Hope’s face. “Have you ever modeled before? I mean, have you ever done modeling for art, for an artist.”

“Actually, I did some modeling for the art classes in college but I was young and beautiful then,” she smiled. “Now I’m old and wrinkly with stretch marks. I’m not sure I would be what you are looking for.”

Carrie smiled back. “You are very far from old and wrinkly, and a few stretch marks won’t hold me back.”

“Are we talking about posing in the nude?”

“Actually we are talking about posing with a narrow sheet of cloth draped wrapped around you covering up your…” Carrie hesitated, choosing her words carefully. “…female parts. So, I guess the answer would be yes and no. You would need to be nude under the material, but it would cover your womanly parts, so to speak. I’m sorry, this is probably pretty weird, having a stranger ask you this.”

“No, not at all. Strangers ask me to get nude all the time, and some are even willing to pay me for it.” Hope popped another pretzel in her mouth.

“You’re just a smart-ass aren’t you?” Carrie grabbed a pretzel from the bowl.

“Pretty much.” Hope grinned. “But, I will consider posing for you. How’s that.”

“That would be great. Think about it and let me know.” Carrie found a slip of paper in her pocket and asked the bartender for a pen. She wrote her cell number down on the paper and slid it across the bar to Hope.

Hope took the pen from Carrie’s hand and wrote her own phone number down on a napkin for Carrie.

The bar began to fill up around them, but neither woman noticed as they continued to talk.

Chapter 3

Hope put the bottle of salad dressing on the table. She pulled out her chair and sat down across from her sister.

Marcy’s short hair no longer matched Hope’s chestnut brown color. Hope liked Marcy’s natural hair color much better than the copper red color that now graced her head. Marcy’s eyes were every bit as brown as Hope’s, but lacked the flecks of gold. As usual she was dressed impeccably in a freshly ironed, peach colored cotton shirt and a black pleated skirt that hugged her small hips and butt perfectly. A thin black belt with a gold buckle and a peach silk scarf around her neck completed the look.

Hope’s dining room was elegant but comfortable. An understated chandelier hung over the solid maple dining table surrounded by six matching chairs. Two matching chairs rested against the far wall, and a matching china cabinet stood at attention against the opposite wall.

Hope took the large bowl of salad her sister offered her. Using the wooden salad tongs, she placed a generous amount of salad on her plate and poured blue cheese dressing over it.

Marcy cut two slices of fresh Italian bread from the large loaf on the cutting board in front of her. She handed a slice to Hope.

“Thank you.” Hope said without making eye contact. She broke off a piece of the bread and dragged it through the dressing. She kept her attention on her food until her sister spoke.

“So, you aren’t going to tell me how it went at the grief group last night?” Marcy asked her.

Hope kept her eyes focused on her plate of food. “It went fine,” she said between bites.

“What aren’t you telling me? You did go, didn’t you? Hope, you promised me that you would go to the grief support group.” The sharp edge to her voice made Hope cringe.

“Yes, Marcy.” She finally looked up at her sister. “I went,” she said a little too loud. She looked down at her food again. “I just didn’t stay.”

Hope closed her eyes and rubbed them while she waited for her sister to respond. When her sister didn’t say anything, Hope looked back up at her. She knew that look of disappointment on her sister’s face. It was the same look that she often saw on her mother’s face. Hope wondered if it would be worth the effort to try to explain.

“Marcy,” she started. “It just didn’t feel right. I went but it didn’t seem like I fit with the people there, it wasn’t where I needed to be.” She knew it sounded lame. She looked down at her salad. Suddenly she didn’t feel much like eating.

“Hope,” Marcy had a way of saying her name and making sound like a reprimand. “You promised me that you would go. Did I need to make you promise me that you would stay?” Marcy put her fork down and folded her hands in front of her, waiting for an answer.

Hope was determined not to let her big sister treat her like a child. She was thirty-seven years old, not six. She was damn well old enough to leave a group that she didn’t feel comfortable in. She took a deep breath before speaking. She looked directly at Marcy, meeting her sister’s brown eyes with her own. “Marcy, I know that you are trying to help me. I know that you think I need to share my grief with other people. But this type of group is really not what I need.” She closed her eyes for a moment to gain her composure. When she opened them again she saw the concern in Marcy’s eyes. “The night was not a total loss. I met a woman there, her name is Carrie, and we talked after we left the meeting. We talked for a long time. She seemed to understand what I am going through and she listened to me. I think just talking to her helped me. So, please don’t think that I am not getting help going through this.”

“You are telling me that you spent the evening spilling your guts to a total stranger and now you feel better? Why couldn’t you stay in the group and get some real help? I care about you, Hope. I want you to heal so you can go on with your life,” she paused briefly. “You haven’t grieved at all and I just think that’s not normal. I don’t understand how talking to some woman that you don’t even know could make you feel better.”

“But, I did feel a lot better after talking to her. Why do you object to my speaking about this to one stranger, but you want me to tell my story to a roomful of strangers? Isn’t that the point, to have someone I can share this with, that can share her story with me? And in the end we both feel better.” She shook her head in frustration.

“Pass me the salad dressing,” Marcy said suddenly. Hope handed the bottle to her sister. She drowned her salad in the chunky ooze, and began cutting the lettuce into little pieces. She stabbed a chunk of lettuce and brought to her mouth. She held it there, but didn’t eat it as she looked at her sister. Several drips of dressing fell from her fork back onto her plate. Finally Marcy pushed the lettuce into her mouth and chewed slowly. Hope could almost hear the wheels turning in her sister’s head.  Marcy swallowed, pointed her fork at Hope and said, “I’m not sure what to say to convince you that you are making a huge mistake. I think you need some help dealing with everything and I don’t think that meeting some stranger and having an in-depth discussion is going to do it. But I guess it could be worse. I guess you could have told me that you met a man at the meeting and decided to start dating already.”

Hope laughed out loud. Her sister stared at her with stern eyes, a frown on her face.   “That is something you definitely don’t have to worry about. I am no rush to start dating any men,” Hope said. She shook her head and laughed again.

Marcy continued to stare.

Hope took a bite of her food before she said, “Can we just call a truce here? I don’t want to fight with you. I know you are trying to help me. I know that. But I really don’t think that going to a support group is right for me. Let’s just sit here and play nice and enjoy lunch. Can we do that?” She raised her eyebrows and added, “Please?”

Marcy let out a sound that was like a cross between a groan and a huff. She looked at Hope for several seconds longer. “Okay, I’ll drop it for now, but we are going to talk about this again. You need to move on with your life and your denying that there is a problem doesn’t make the problem go away. I know what I’m talking about Hope. You should be listening to me.”

Hope knew that Marcy wouldn’t let it go completely and that at some point they would revisit the subject again. She hoped it wasn’t too soon. She would be better prepared next time. “All right. Let’s just drop it for the moment. Now let’s finish this nice healthy salad so we can get to the cream filled cupcakes I bought for dessert.”

Chapter 4

Sandra Martin rearranged the knick-knacks on the small table set up by her mother’s bed. Carrie watched her in silence. Her mother’s endless chatter was giving her a headache. She liked it much better when she was alone during her visits with her grandmother, but sometimes her mother showed up at the same time.

“I brought more of these cute little collie figurines, Mom,” Sandra said to the old woman lying in the bed. “I know when you wake up you are really going to love these.” She held one out in front her mother’s closed eyes and then held it up for Carrie to see. Carrie nodded. “I also took your car in for an oil change yesterday. I know that you are always …” Carrie tuned out her mother’s voice. The non-stop talking for the last half hour was beginning to give Carrie a headache.

Sandra continued to talk as she ran her hand over her short black hair, no gray showing through, courtesy of Miss Clairol. Sandra Martin refused to show her age. She spent far too much money on magic creams and lotions to stay away the wrinkles, in Carrie’s opinion. Her grandmother had aged naturally and gracefully and beautifully, a much better way to grow old, Carrie thought. 

Carrie absently rubbed the back of her neck trying to release the tension that was building. Her mind wandered to the previous evening and meeting Hope. Her idea about joining a support group was misguided, but it turned out well if it meant she made a new friend.

“…so what do you think about that, Carrie?” The sound of her name brought her out of her thoughts.

“What did you say, Mom?” she asked.

“I swear that I get about as much of a response out of you that I get out of your grandmother here.” She didn’t try to hide her annoyance. “I asked you what you thought of this blanket.” She held up the corner of the blanket covering the bed. It was a standard tan, cotton weave blanket used by the nursing home.

“Do you think your grandmother likes this one, or should I bring her one from her house?”

Carrie sighed. “Which would you like better?” she asked her mother.

“I like the one from her house better and I think she would like it better, too. I am going to stop over there tomorrow and get one for her. How about that green one that she has over the back of the couch? Don’t you think that would be good? Or should I get her the one that’s on her bed?”

Carrie nodded absently and picked up an old People magazine from the table by the bed.

“Well, which one do you think would be better?” Her mother wasn’t going to stop talking to her until she answered.

“The one from the couch would be fine.”

“All righty then. I’ll pick it up on my way home so I can wash it before I bring it here. I think it’ll really cheer this room up.”

Carrie thumbed through the magazine and looked for an interesting article to read to her grandmother. She knew her mother would be leaving soon. She never stayed long and she never stopped moving the whole time she was there. Carrie wanted alone time with her grandmother so she would just wait her mother out. She didn’t have too wait long.

“I have to get going,” her mother said, offering no explanation.

Sandra gave Carrie a hug and kissed her mother on the cheek. “Bye, mother. I’ll see you in a few days. Try to get some rest now.” She patted the old woman’s hand. “Bye Carrie,” she said with a wave as she walked out the door.

“Bye, Mom,” Carrie said, but her mother was already gone. 

Carrie leaned in towards her grandmother. “Okay, Gram, we’re alone now. I hope mom didn’t make you too crazy. Wish I could say the same about me. I know she means well. I guess she is just having her own problems handling all this. I think you’ve got the easy part, Gram, ‘cause, it’s really hard for the rest of us. Anyway, I wanted to tell you about that support group I went to. I have to tell you that I couldn’t stay at it. It wasn’t a good idea to go there. It just wasn’t what I needed, at least not right now. But I did manage to meet a new friend. You would like her. Her name is Hope and she was very nice. I really liked talking to her, and I think talking to her helped me. So the evening wasn’t a total waste.”

Carrie leaned back in her chair and smoothed out the magazine in her lap. She let out a long sigh, and once again looked for an article to read to her grandmother. Nothing caught her eye so she put the magazine aside. She ran her hands over her jeans.

“Gram, I don’t know what is wrong with me today. I guess I’m just feeling a little lonely. I’ve felt lonely plenty of times before, but I could always call you when I was feeing this way, and just hearing your voice would always make me feel better. I miss that.”

Carrie got up and walked to the window. She looked out at the dull September day. It was a total contrast from the warm and sunny past several days. The feelings of loneliness crept in on the rainy days.

Her thoughts once again went to the woman she had met the evening before. Carrie was sure that they would become real friends. It had been a long time since she met someone that she felt she clicked with, especially so soon. Carrie had friends, but she was picky about whom she spent her time with. She didn’t have any desire to hang out with people just to have something to do. Between work, art, and now her regular visits with her grandmother, she had plenty to keep her busy.

There was something almost familiar about Hope, but Carrie was certain they had never met before. Maybe we met in another life. Carrie laughed to herself. She wasn’t sure she believed such things. There was something definitely different about Hope that set her apart from her other friends. Whatever it was, it drew Carrie’s attention.

*****

Carrie walked through the front door of her house. She passed through the living room and went into the kitchen. She threw the mail on the table before opening the refrigerator and peering in.  I need to go grocery shopping, Carrie thought. She checked the date on the packaged lunchmeat before deciding to make a sandwich for dinner. She grabbed the mustard before shutting the door with her hip, and set to work making her supper. Carrie usually had a refrigerator full of leftovers to choose from, but tonight it was slim pickings.

She settled down on the sofa with her sandwich and a bottle of beer and turned on the television with the remote. She watched the national news as she ate. She turned the television off as soon as an entertainment gossip show started. Before her accident, her grandmother would have been glued to the television set. She loved to keep track of the celebrity news.

Carrie took her plate and empty beer bottle to the kitchen and went to her bedroom to change her clothes. She emerged wearing an old tee shirt and a pair of well-worn jeans and continued on into her art room. She pushed the play button on the CD player. The room filled with the soft sounds of female voices, singing a variety of songs from the last three decades.

The converted spare bedroom was filled with drawing tables, a large easel, and various art supplies. An old wooden table sat along one wall. Carrie felt like she found a treasure when she spotted it at the local flea market two years ago. She ran her hand over the stressed wood, loving every scratch, dent and imperfection. This was truly a table with character and a history.

Carrie twisted the knob on a hooded lamp. A circle of light appeared and illuminated the still life set-up that Carrie had arranged the day before. She made a few small adjustments to the apples that sat on the old wooden cutting board and moved the paring knife so the blade caught the gleam of the light. She stood back and examined her arrangement. Satisfied, she donned her painting apron and sat down on the stool in front of her easel. She stared at the still life set-up from this angle before bringing her attention to the blank canvas in front of her. She searched through her plastic bin of oil paints until she found the two colors she sought.  She opened the tube of the burnt sienna and squeezed a dollop of paint onto her palette, and used odorless paint thinner to reduce the paint to a watery consistency. Carrie chose a wide brush and dipped it into the reddish brown mixture. She dragged the brush across the white canvas, leaving a streak of color in its tracks. She continued working until the color filled the whole canvas, and then added more brush strokes in alternating directions.

Carrie added burnt umber to her pallet and mixed the darker paint into the thin mixture. She switched to a smaller brush and loosely applied the darker paint to select areas, and used an old rag to remove paint from other areas. Slowly the rough under painting of the still life began to emerge as her brush danced over the canvas.

It took only minutes for Carrie to get into the rhythm of painting and let her mind and body relax. Random thoughts came and went, most unnoticed. When an image of Hope waltzed into Carrie’s mind, she noticed it. Her paint brushed stilled as she let the image fill her thoughts. I should call her, Carrie thought. She thoroughly enjoyed talking to her two nights ago and believed they could become friends. She also wanted to pursue the idea of using Hope as a model for her figure paintings. Carrie thought she was a beautiful woman, and beauty often inspired her artistic ideas, whether it was the simple beauty of a fresh apple or the intricate beauty of a woman.

Almost two hour later, Carrie squinted at the canvas in front of her. Satisfied with the values and basic forms before her, she stretched her arms into the air above her head and twisted her back from side to side to work out the kinks that settled in while she painted.

Once her brushes were cleaned and put away, Carrie turned off the music and lights and left the room. She lived alone, but closed the door anyway, as if protecting her art sanctuary from the rest of the house and the rest of the world.

Carrie checked the time on the grandfather clock in the corner of her living room as she passed through to her bedroom. It was nine o’clock. Not too late to make a phone call. Carrie picked up the napkin with Hope’s phone number from her nightstand.

She punched in the numbers on her cell phone and sat down on the edge of the bed. It rang several times and Carrie was sure it was going to go to voice mail when she heard a breathless Hope say, “Hello?”

“Hey,” Carrie said. “It’s Carrie, from the other night. I didn’t catch you at a bad time did I?”

“Not at all, I was just reading. I forgot my cell phone upstairs and had to run to get it.”

“Sorry about that.”

“Stop it. I’m glad you called, and now that I had to run up the stairs I have my exercise in for the day. So it’s a win-win situation for me. How are you doing?”

“I’m doing all right. I went to visit my grandmother for a little while today after work and then came home and painted.”

“What did you paint?” Hope asked.

“I did the under-painting for a still life. I start out with two colors and just work on getting the shapes and values right. It doesn’t look like much at the moment.”

“I would love to see your work sometime. Do you paint often?”

“I usually paint or draw two or three times a week. I think I would go crazy if I couldn’t. It’s like meditation for me. It is a great stress reliever,” Carrie said. “How is your week going?”

Hope let out a sigh that Carrie could hear through the phone. “That good, huh?” Carrie asked.

“No, for the most part it’s been fine. Meeting you was definitely the highlight.” Carried could hear the smile in Hope’s voice, and it brought a smile to her own face. “My sister on the other hand was a different story.”

“Why is that?”

“She really lit into me about leaving that meeting.”

“She was the reason you went in the first place, right?” Carrie leaned back on the bed, resting her head on her pillow as she talked.

“Yes, she badgered me until I agreed to go, and she was not too pleased that I left. I tried to explain that I got more out of talking to you than I would have gotten out of the meeting.”

“I feel the same way about talking to you. It really helped and I wanted to say thank you for that.”

“You’re very welcome.”

“I was wondering if you had any interest in coming over this weekend. I could make us dinner, and we could talk about having you pose for my paintings if you are at all interested.”

“My son is coming home from college this weekend, but he will be heading back Sunday afternoon. So, we could do it Sunday evening if that works for you.”

“That would be great. Are there any food restrictions that I should know about? Anything in particular that you like or don’t like?” Carrie asked.

Hope paused, thinking about her answer before responding. “I am not crazy about anything hot, like hot sauce or hot peppers. Umm, and I don’t like peas. But just about anything else would be fine.”

“How about Italian? Do you like Italian food?”

“I love Italian food. I’m half Italian you know. The half that my mouth and stomach are in, so Italian food makes me very happy.” Hope let out a quiet laugh.

“Happy is good. Italian it is then.”

“Does six o’clock work for you?”

“That would be fine. I’ll be coming from Pittsford. What’s the best way to get to your house?”

Carrie gave Hope directions. They talked for another thirty minutes, like they were old friends. Carrie was in a very good mood by the time she hung up the phone.

Chapter 5

Hope wrapped the cord around the vacuum cleaner and put it into the laundry room closet. Derrick would be here shortly, and Hope had spent half the day cleaning up the house. Not that it was really messy, but it definitely had been a little neglected lately.

Hope smiled to herself. It wasn’t that long ago that she was vacuuming up cookie crumbs or some other mess that Derrick had made. She found it hard to believe that he was nineteen years old and a sophomore in college now.

Sometimes it felt like she was barely older than that herself. But, it had been eighteen years since Hope was a nineteen year old girl. That was the year her life took a major turn, a turn that she never would have predicted. She added a husband and a baby to her life. She dropped out of college after one semester to have Derrick, while Tom stayed in school and finished his last two years, earning a bachelor’s degree in business. Both Tom and Hope worked part time, struggling to afford baby food and diapers.

It was funny how things worked out in life. Well, not really funny, Hope thought. I spent eighteen years in a marriage to a man that I didn’t love because I got pregnant with a child that I do love. And how does a thing like that happen? How does a good girl in her first year of college, technically still a virgin…I think technically a virgin…get pregnant by someone that she didn’t love?  One word sums it up, I guess. Fear.

 She shook the memories from her head. She still had things to do before Derrick arrived.

She was just putting a load of bed sheets into the dryer when she heard her son’s voice. “Mom? Are you home? I’m here. Mom?”

He always was an impatient kid. Hope smiled and called out, “I’m in the laundry room. I’ll be right there.”

Derrick was sitting at the kitchen table eating cookies when Hope came into the room and gave her son a hug from behind. “Hi,” a voice off to her left said. She let go of Derrick and turned to the voice. She looked into the bright blue eyes of a young woman, petite and cute with light blond hair that hung several inches below her shoulders. She was about Derrick’s age.

“Umm, hi,” Hope said to the stranger. She reached over and smacked her son on the arm. “An introduction would be nice here, Derrick. Where were you raised? In a barn?”

When Derrick didn’t respond quickly enough, Hope put her hand out to the young woman. “Hi, I’m Hope. I’m Derrick’s mother. I tried to raise him right, but apparently he has no manners.”

The young woman shook her hand. “I’m Erin. I’m sure Derrick’s rude behavior doesn’t reflect poorly on you.” She smiled warmly.

Derrick swallowed a mouthful of cookies and turned around in his chair. “Mom, Erin.” He waved his hand in the air. “Erin, Mom. Erin’s my girlfriend. I was going to introduce you but I had food in my mouth. You always told me not to talk with my mouth full.”

“Nice to meet you, Erin,” Hope said. She was surprised not only that Erin was here, but also that Derrick had a girlfriend. He hadn’t mentioned her at all. “How long have you two been together?”

“Mom,” Derrick said. “I’ll fill you in at dinner. Are we still going to Super Steak? You’ll love it, Erin. Stupid name but great food.”

Hope roughed up Derrick’s dark curly hair. He had gotten his brown eyes from her, but that hair was definitely from his father. “Yes, we are still going to Super Steak for dinner.”

“Mom,” Derrick said loudly. “It took me an hour to get my hair just right and you messed it up.”

“Oh, so sorry, poor baby.” She roughed it up again. Both Derrick and his mother laughed. “Better get up to your room and get all freshened up if you expect me to take you out in public, kiddo. You can show Erin the guest room and bathroom.”

“Erin can just sleep in my room with me,” Derrick said, not looking at his mother.

“Um, I’m thinking no, she can sleep in the guest room.” Hope kept her voice calm and even. She knew this wouldn’t escalate to an argument, and that although he might push a little, Derrick would respect her wishes. She also knew he would do his best to get his way before giving in.

“Come on, Mom. Erin’s twenty and I’m almost twenty. We are old enough to sleep in the same bed if we want to.”

“You have eight months before you’re twenty. And besides that’s not any sort of magic number that you get to do whatever you want to do in my house. So Erin is more than welcome here and she will have a lovely night’s sleep in the guest room.” Hope paused to let it sink in. She had made her point, careful not to belittle her son in front of his girlfriend. “Now, would you like to show Erin the room or would you like me to?” Her voice remained calm.

“I’ll do it,” Derrick said to his mother. “Come on, Erin. I’ll show you your room.” Derrick gave his mother a sheepish grin. He took Erin’s hand and began to lead her upstairs.

“Hey!” Hope called after him. “Make sure you comb your hair while you’re up there. It’s a mess.” She shook her head and smiled to herself.

*****

The waiter refilled Hope’s water glass. “Is there anything else I can get for anyone?” he asked.

“Thank you, no. I think we are all set,” Hope told him. She sipped her water, and then cut into her steak. A small amount of pink showed in the middle, just the way she liked it. A baked potato and buttered carrots sat on the plate next to the meat.

“So, what are you majoring in, Erin?” Hope asked, turning her attention to Derrick’s new girlfriend.

“Education,” she answered. “I want to be an elementary school teacher.”

“That’s great, Erin. I always thought that Derrick would make a great teacher. He’s really good with kids.” Hope took a bite of her steak. It tasted as good as it looked. “And how long have the two of you been together?” Hope couldn’t help herself. She had never heard Derrick mention Erin’s name before and she wanted details.

“Two weeks,” Derrick said through a mouth full of food. “Erin picked me up in a bar,” he laughed.

Erin slapped his arm. “I did not.”

“I’m really hoping that you didn’t meet in a bar considering you are both too young to be drinking.” She looked at her son and then at Erin. She didn’t really want to know the answer. She had given Derrick enough lectures on underage drinking and she was sure that another one now wouldn’t make any difference.

Hope reached for a piece of bread from the bowl in the center of the table. She picked the basket up and offered it to Erin. Erin took a piece and buttered it generously. 

“We met at a party off campus, Mrs. Garret, and I certainly didn’t pick Derrick up. He came over and started talking to me. I had no interest in him at first. I mean, look at him.” Erin grinned at Hope as she spoke. “He has a face only a mother could love.” She giggled.

I like this girl, Hope thought. She is a good match for Derrick and his off beat sense of humor.

“Hey,” Derrick said.

“Oh, baby, I’m just teasing, ya.” Erin reached over and patted his hand.

Derrick grinned at his mother. “I asked Erin to go out for burgers the next night and we have been together since. I’m starting to think she likes me.”

“Yeah, I like him,” Erin said. Hope had no doubts that they liked each other.

“Where are you from, Erin,” Hope asked her.

“Near Buffalo.”

“So, you do you live at home or on campus?” Hope soaked up some of the steak’s juice from her plate with a chunk of bread.

“I live on campus. My dorm is right next to Derrick’s,” Erin told her.

Hope continued to ask questions while they enjoyed their food. Erin told Hope some of the details of college life and a short history of her time with Derrick.

Derrick leaned over and kissed Erin on the cheek. Erin blushed.

“So tell me some of the embarrassing stories of Derrick’s childhood, Mrs. Garret,” Erin said to Hope with a smile.

Hope smiled back. Oh yeah, I like her. “Call me Hope. Mrs. Garret sounds so formal…and old.” Hope laughed. “Hmm, let’s see…embarrassing stories about Derrick. There are so many.” Hope thought about it for a moment. “Oh, I know. There was this one time when Derrick was three and we all went camping…”

“Mom,” Derrick said, “not that story.”

“Yes,” Erin said. “Let’s start with that story.”

Hope not only continued the story, but told Erin several more. Derrick pretended to be annoyed but Hope knew that he enjoyed the attention.

“Go ahead and order dessert,” Hope said to Erin after they had finished their meals. “I know Derrick will.” Hope looked over the dessert menu in her hands. “I think I’ll have a little something, too.”

The waiter returned with his order pad in hand. “Are we ready?” he asked.

Derrick didn’t hesitate. “I’ll have the Oreo Cream Pie.” He handed his menu to the waiter.

“Can I get the vanilla cream cheesecake? Please?” Erin said.

“Oh, that sounds good,” Hope added. “I’ll take that too.”

They continued their casual conversation until they had finished their desserts and Hope paid the bill.

Chapter 6

Carrie looked at herself in the mirror while she brushed her hair. Hope was due to arrive in twenty minutes. Dinner was in the oven, the house was straightened up and Carrie was now primping to look her best when her company arrived. She poured an inch of mouthwash into a paper cup, swished the liquid around her mouth and silently counted to thirty before spitting it into the sink. Her mouth felt cool and hot at the same time. She wondered if the blue cable knit sweater she wore over a light blouse would make her too warm, and decided she could always remove the sweater later if that became an issue. Her best jeans topped off the outfit. Satisfied with the way she looked, Carrie went into her art room.

She was still thumbing through a stack of drawings, when the doorbell rang. Hope was a few minutes early. She put the drawing she was holding back into the big drawer and pushed the drawer closed.

She went to door to let her company in. “Hi,” she said to Hope.

“I brought wine,” Hope said, handing Carrie a bottle of red wine. “I hope red goes with Italian food.”

“Come on in,” Carrie said, stepping back to let Hope pass. “I thought you didn’t drink.”

“I don’t, but I didn’t want to come empty handed. So I got you a bottle of wine.” She took off her coat. “Is red all right?”

“You didn’t have to bring anything. But, that was very sweet of you. Yes, red is great and this is a very good wine,” Carrie said, reading the label.

Carrie took Hope’s coat and hung it on the tall wooden coat rack that stood behind the door. Carrie noticed Hope’s pink button down shirt tucked neatly into her dark denim jeans. “I love that shirt,” Carrie said.

“Thanks. It’s new. I don’t usually wear pink but I liked this shade.”

“Very nice. Come on in. Can I interest you in a glass of red wine?” Carrie asked, with a smile, holding up the bottle that Hope just brought.

Hope laughed. “No, but a glass of water would be great.”

“I can do better than that. How about some juice or soda pop?

“I actually prefer water, if that’s all right.”

“Of course that’s all right. Would you like ice and lemon in it?” Carrie asked.

“Sure,” Hope answered.

“Make your self comfortable,” Carrie told her waving toward the living room. “There are some appetizers on the coffee table there so help yourself, and I will be right back with your water.”

 Hope went into the living room and looked around. Several pieces of framed art hung on the cream colored walls. Two were still life paintings and another was a painting of an older woman sitting in a wooden rocking chair. Her gray hair and wrinkled skin gave away her age, but her eyes still held the wonder of youth. A collie sat beside her, her hand gently resting on the dog’s head. A framed photo of the same woman standing beside Carrie hung on another wall. Carrie looked about ten years younger in the photo.

“Is this your grandmother?” Hope asked as Carrie returned to the room and handed her one of the two glass of water that she held. “Thanks.”

“Yes,” Carrie answered. “That picture was taken when I graduated from college. The painting of her,” Carrie said turning towards it, “I did a few of years ago. That was her dog, Duchess.”

“It’s beautiful. All of these paintings are. You are very talented.”

“Thanks. I have some drawings in the art room that I wanted to show you, too. Some of them are figure drawings. They are really rough, but it will give you an idea of what I want to do if you decide to pose for me. We can take a look at them after we eat. Supper is in the oven now.”

“It smells wonderful,” Hope said as she sat on the loveseat. Carrie sat down across from her on the matching blue couch. She sipped her water before setting the glass down on a coaster on the coffee table.

“It should be ready soon. Help yourself to some cheese puffs. It’s my grandmother’s recipe.” Carrie nudged the plate closer to Hope. “How did your visit with your son go?”

Hope picked up a warm cheese puff. She held it in her hand while she answered Carrie. “It was really nice. He surprised me by bringing home a new girlfriend.” She took a bite of the food she held. “Mmm, this is so good.”

“Thanks.” Carrie helped herself to a cheese puff. “So, you didn’t know he had a girlfriend or you didn’t know he was bringing her home?”

“I didn’t know about her at all. He changes girlfriends as often as I change my underwear…and I do that at least every week.” Carrie laughed. “He doesn’t usually bring anyone home with him.” She thought about it for a second. “In fact, I think this is the first one. He would bring girls around when he was in high school, but hasn’t brought one home from college before.”

“So, was that okay with you?”

“It was fine. She seems like a really nice girl. I like her. I wouldn’t mind him hanging onto this one for a while.” Hope helped herself to another cheese puff. “Derrick has a really off beat sense of humor and she seems like she can keep up with him just fine.”

“Oh, I wonder where he gets that from,” Carrie said with a grin. “That’s good. Humor is important.”    

The two new friends talked without so much as a lull in the conversation until the timer went off on the stove thirty minutes later.    

*****

“This is delicious,” Hope said after taking a bite of lasagna. Is this your grandmother’s recipe, too?” She cut into her food and watched a piece of cheese oozed out onto her plate.    

“No, I got this recipe online.” Carrie sipped her wine and dabbed at her mouth with her napkin. “My grandmother is…was…is…more of a baker than a cook.” She hesitated. “It sounds stupid to talk about her in the past tense when she is still around.”

“How is she doing?”

“The same. It really doesn’t look like she is ever going to wake up. But, there’s a piece of me that is still holding out hope. You know what I mean?”

“I know exactly what you mean,” Hope nodded as she spoke. She continued to enjoy the food as they talked.

“I know it’s dumb. I know what the reality of the situation is. But I can’t seem to help it. My mother acts like Gram could wake up any minute. She refuses to face this.” Carrie poured a little more wine into her glass.

“That must be very hard on your mom. It’s her mother, right?” Hope took another slice of fresh Italian bread from the basket in the center of the wooden table. She buttered it with homemade herb butter from a small glass bowl.

“Uh-huh,” Carrie said. “They were never very close and I think my mother is feeling really guilty about that now.”

“You have a brother, right?” Hope used her piece of bread to soak up some tomato sauce from her plate.

“Actually, I have two brothers. My brother Todd is in the Marines, he’s stationed in Okinawa right now. My brother Sammy lives with his wife and kids in North Carolina. They came to see my grandmother when this first happened, but they couldn’t stay long because of their jobs and the kids’ school.”

“And what about your dad?” Hope asked.

“My dad left when I was ten. The last I heard, he was remarried and living somewhere out West. I don’t hear from him much and that’s okay with me. He wasn’t much of a father when he was around.” Carrie finished her glass of wine and refilled the glass with filtered water from the pitcher on the table. “So what about you, do you just have the one sister?”

“Yes, Marcy is my only sister. She is ten years older than me, so at times she acts more like my mother. Well, at least she thinks she has the right to act like she’s my mother. She tends to be very opinionated and bossy. I know she means well but sometimes she drives me crazy.”

“My brothers are both younger than me, so I get to boss them around. Those are the rules. The first-born gets to be the boss. I believe it’s on my birth certificate.”

“That explains my sister’s behavior then.” Hope nodded her head and smiled.

“Are you from around here originally?”

“Born and raised. My parents still live in Penfield. That’s where I grew up. Of course it was mostly farmland when I was young. We lived right next door to a horse farm. It is so built up now. There is a bank or drug store on every corner.”

“Do you see them often?” Carrie asked. She ate another bite of her bread.

“I see them every couple of weeks or so. My dad comes over and helps me with things around the house, yard work, small repairs and things like that. He was so much help to me when Tom was sick. I’m not sure I could have gotten through it without my dad.” She smiled at the thought of her father. “My mother drives me a little crazy. She has a tendency to treat me like I’m still a little kid.”

“That can’t be easy,” Carrie said.

“It’s not, but I do my best to ignore her constant “suggestions”, as she calls them.” Hope finished up the last of the food on her plate and wiped a spot of tomato sauce from her mouth with her napkin.         

“Would you like more lasagna or bread?” Carrie asked.

“No, thank you. I’m stuffed. That was delicious. You’ll have to give me your secret online recipe.”

Carrie laughed. “I’ll give you the copy I printed. But I have to warn you that I got a few drops of sauce on it while I was making this.”

The women carried on a comfortable conversation while they cleared the table and loaded the dirty dishes into the dishwasher. Carrie took a couple of Tupperware containers from her cupboard and made up a take-home package of leftovers for Hope to take with her. “I’m trusting you with my good Tupperware. That means I get to see you again when you return it.”

“Or it means you’ll lose some good containers,” Hope said with a chuckle.

Carrie was sure she would see Hope and the containers again. She smiled at the thought. She put the Tupperware in a plastic grocery bag and put it on the counter.

When the last of the food was packaged and put away Carrie asked, “Would you like to see my art room and the drawings I was telling you about?”

“That would be great. Lead the way.” Hope followed Carrie down a small hallway to the room on the end. A slight smell of oil paints and turpentine greeted them as Carrie opened the door.

“Here they are,” Carrie said as she led Hope over to the pile of drawings that she had sorted through earlier. She spread them out on the small table so that Hope could get a better look at each one.

“These are great,” Hope said. “May I?” she asked before picking one up.

“Oh sure, go ahead.”

“Carrie, I am really impressed. Did you use a model for these or are they out of your head?”

“These are just rough sketches out of my head. They are just to get an idea of how I want the poses to be. But if you decide you want to pose for me, this is basically what I would want you to do. See how I drew in the material here.” She pointed to a drawing on the table. “The material covers up the breasts. There isn’t any actual nudity. Not that I’m against nudity,” Carrie laughed. “I just want these to be really sensual without being sexual. Does that make sense?”

“Yes, and I would love to pose for you.” She smiled at Carrie.

Carrie couldn’t help but smile back. “Really? Oh that would be so great. I am so excited about this.”

“Well, you haven’t seen me with my clothes off yet so you may change your mind when you do,” Hope teased.

“Oh, stop it.” Carrie playfully slapped at her arm. “I think you are going to be perfect for this. It will be great.” Carrie’s enthusiasm bubbled to the surface and spread across her face in a big grin.

Hope finished looking through the drawings and glanced around the room. “Can I look at what you are working on?” She pointed at the painting on the easel.

“Feel free to look at whatever you want.” Carrie stepped back to give Hope more room to move around. Hope spent a moment looking at Carrie before walking to the easel. She bent over to get a better look at the painting.

Carrie found herself looking directly at Hope’s butt. She forced her eyes away and shook her head. But her eyes found their way back to the sight. I’m just checking out the model from an artistic angle, she reasoned. Okay, now stop it. What would she think if she saw you ogling her? And why are you ogling her anyway? You don’t ogle. You especially don’t ogle women.

“You are an amazing artist,” Hope said straightening back up and turning to Carrie. Carrie brought her eyes up quickly. “How come you don’t do this full time?”

“Because I like to do things like pay my bills and buy groceries,” Carrie laughed. “It is really hard to make a living just doing art. So I have a day job, but my art is how I keep my sanity.”

“Sanity is highly overrated,” Hope grinned. “I gave up on it years ago.”

“You are so funny,” Carrie said. She enjoyed Hope’s humor as well as her company.

Hope continued looking with great interest at each piece of art in the room. “Very nice,” she said when she had examined the last of it. She brought her eyes from the art and looked at Carrie. Carrie blushed when she realized she had been studying Hope the whole time Hope had been studying her art.

“Um, should we have dessert? I made red velvet cake. We can have it in the living room.” Carrie busied herself stacking the loose drawings on the table as she talked, glancing up once again at Hope.

“I love red velvet cake. Keep feeding me like this and you’ll have one chubby woman as your model.”

“I doubt that. Why don’t you make yourself comfortable in the living room and I will go get it ready for us. Would like some coffee, too? I have decaf.” Carrie shut the lights and the door as they left the room.

“Decaf would be good. Let me help you.” She followed Carrie back into the kitchen.     “What would you like me to do?” Hope asked as Carrie measured the coffee into the coffee maker.

Carrie pointed to the cupboard to the left of the sink. “There are small plates in there and the cake is on the counter in the corner. There is a cake knife right next to it. You can cut us both a piece of cake.” She continued making the coffee.

Five minutes later the two women walked into the living room, each carrying a piece of cake and cup of coffee. They sat across from each other, enjoying their dessert and each other’s company. The conversation ran the gambit from Carrie’s art to Hope’s son to Carrie’s favorite hand lotion.

“I am going to try that lotion,” Hope said. “I am constantly washing my hands, seeing I have my fingers in people’s mouths all day long.”

“Does that have something to do with what you do for a living or is putting your fingers in people’s mouths just a hobby?” Carrie asked with a straight face, but a smile in her voice.

“Yeah, I just do it for fun,” Hope grinned. “I’m a dental hygienist, so it kind of comes with the territory. I went back to school when my son started kindergarten. I wanted to do something that wouldn’t take forever to get my degree and would bring money into the house. It definitely isn’t my passion.”

“What is your passion?” Carrie asked.

“I guess that would be writing?”

“Then why don’t you write?”

“I went to college with the intention of majoring in journalism. I really wanted to be a writer. I dropped out after my first semester because I was pregnant with Derrick. I got married five months before he was born. I put my career goals on the back burner so I could take care of my child and new husband. My ambitions took a back seat to their needs. I figured that being a dental hygienist would be a good choice because I knew the hours would allow me to be home with my family at night.”

“And what about now?”

“Now?” Hope repeated. “Hmm, now I guess I am just where I am. I haven’t really thought about it much.”

“Do you still write?”

“I write poems and short stories, but I don’t ever do anything with them. I haven’t even showed them to anyone. They are just written in notebooks stacked in my closet. I haven’t written in probably a year or more. I just haven’t had anything inspire me lately.”

Carrie put her coffee cup on the end table. She slipped off her shoes and pulled her feet up under her. “I would love to read your stuff if you’d let me. I think it’s time they came out of that closet.” She picked up her cake and licked some frosting from her fork.

“I’m not sure how good they are. I would hate to have them bore you.”

“I doubt they would bore me. But I understand if you don’t want to show me. I won’t push.”

“I’ll think about it. How about that?” Hope asked.

Carrie tilted her head. “Okay. I can live with that.” She took a bite of her cake. 

“Is Derrick your only child?”

“Yes, one and only. He always wanted a little brother, but I thought one child was enough for me. So I got him a puppy instead.”

Carrie laughed. “And did that satisfy him?”

“No. But it helped. You know how you hear about parents getting their kids a puppy and the parents end up doing all the work?”

“Yes.”

“Well, we got this puppy…the cutest little mutt…and Derrick actually took care of it. Derrick was seven at the time. He named him Mork and Derrick really did all the work. He fed him and took him for walks and just loved that dog to pieces.”

Carrie finished up her cake and reached for her coffee again. “That’s great. Is he still with you?”

“No, when Tom got sick and Derrick went to college in Buffalo, it just got too much for me to take care of him. My sister and her husband took him. So, at least he stayed in the family. I didn’t have the heart to ask for him back after Tom died. They really love that dog. Derrick and I have visitation rights. It has worked out fine, and my sister has twin boys so Mork gets lots of attention.”

“That’s good. Can I get you more coffee or another piece of cake?”

“No, thank you. It was great, but I couldn’t eat another bite. I won’t have to eat for a week now.” Hope stole a quick glance at her watch. “I hate to do this but I need to get going. I have to work in the morning. I imagine you do, too.” She rose from her chair and picked up her empty cup and plate.

“You don’t have to do that,” Carrie said indicating the dishes Hope was carrying to the kitchen.

“That’s all right,” Hope said, setting the dishes down on the counter. Carrie retrieved the leftovers that she had packaged for Hope and walked with her to the door. She plucked Hope’s coat from the coat rack and handed it to her.

“I had a really nice time, Carrie. Thank you.”

“Me, too.” Hope gave Carrie a quick hug and took the bag of leftovers that Carrie held out.

“Thank you so much for coming over.”

Carrie closed the door after Hope left and headed back to the art room.

Chapter 7

Hope fingered the piece of paper in her hand. She felt like a stupid teenager. It had been several days since she had had dinner at Carrie’s house. She wanted to call Carrie but didn’t really have a reason. She just felt like talking. Hope had friends throughout the years, but they were all friends with a reason. They were the mothers of her son’s friends, so they talked about the kids. They were the wives of her husband’s business partners, so they talked about their husbands. They were friends from her job, so they talked about work.

Carrie was different. She was a friend just because Hope liked her and enjoyed her company. She hadn’t had that since college. She hadn’t had that since…well, in a really long time.

Hope looked at the seven numbers written on the slip of paper, and punched the numbers into her cell phone. Carrie picked up on the second ring.

“Hi, Hope,” Carrie said cheerfully. “How are you doing?” Hope realized that either Carrie memorized her number or had it programmed into her phone. It took her by surprise.

“Hi Carrie. I am doing just fine. How are you doing?”

“Great. I’m glad to hear from you. I was thinking about you.”

Hope smiled to herself at Carrie’s reaction to her call. “You were, huh? Something good, I hope.”

“Very good. I was thinking about how much I enjoyed your company when you were here the other night. We’ll have to do that again soon.”

“I would like that,” Hope said. “What are you doing on Friday? We could go out to dinner or I could cook something here, although I don’t think I could ever top that meal you made.”

“I didn’t know it was a competition.” Carrie laughed.

“Well, truth be told…I’m not the best cook,” Hope admitted.

Carrie laughed. “In that case, there’s a movie I wanted to see. What would you think about going to the movies and then going out and grabbing a bite to eat? Or we could eat first and then see the movie. I don’t care which way we do it as long as it involves food.” Carrie laughed again. “How does that sound?”

“It sounds good. I haven’t gone out to the movies in years. In fact, I think the last movie I saw in the theater was…hmmm… Finding Nemo, I think.

“Oh yeah, then I think you’re due. The movie is playing at the Plaza Theater. Hang on a sec and I will tell you the times.” Hope could hear the sound of paper rustling. “I’m back. Okay, let’s see here. It’s playing at seven, nine and eleven. What do you think?”

“How about we go out to eat at seven, and then we can catch the movie at nine?”

“That’ll work. Seeing I picked the movie, you get to pick where we eat.”

“All right. I will check out what is around there and let you know. Would you like me to pick you up?” Hope paced as she talked. It was a habit she picked up when Derrick was a baby, and the only way to keep him quite when she was on the phone was to walk with him.

“Sure,” Carrie said. “Just let me know ahead of time where you decide we should go so I know how to dress. If we are going to Burger King I’ll just wear jeans. But if you want to go to La Shareese, well that place is fancy, and I may have to pull out my old bridesmaid dress to wear.”

Hope laughed. “I don’t think we are going to Burger King or La Shareese. But I’ll be sure to let you know.”

“So how are you doing? How is Derrick doing? Has he changed girlfriends yet? I’m assuming you’ve changed your underwear since you met her.” This was the reason Hope wanted to talk to Carrie. She seemed to really care about Hope and her life…and apparently her underwear. Hope chuckled to herself. Carrie was a bright spot in Hope’s day.

“Yes, I’ve changed my underwear a time or two since Derrick was here. And yes, as far as I know, she is still his girlfriend. I talked to him this morning and he mentioned her name several times. I do believe my son is smitten.”

Carrie laughed. “Smitten, huh? Guess that means he likes her.”

“What’s wrong with the word smitten? It’s a perfectly good word.” Hope feigned being offended.

“Nothing at all, it just sounds like something that would have come out of my grandmother’s mouth.” Hope could hear the amusement in Carrie’s voice.

“I’ll take that as a compliment then, because I hear your grandmother is special lady.”

“Yep, that’s how I meant it…as a compliment. That’s exactly how I meant it.”

“I thought so. Speaking of grandmothers, how is she doing? Any change at all?”

“No. No change. I went to see her today. I played her some Lady Gaga music. I figured if anything would bring her out of the coma, that would do it.”

“Why, is she a Lady Gaga fan?”

“No, not at all. I thought maybe she would wake up to tell me to turn it off.” Hope was silent for a moment, not sure what to say. “You can laugh. I’m just joking. I am trying to keep my humor here.”

“Humor is important at a time like this, that’s for sure.”     

The two women chatted away for close to an hour. Hope found it very easy to talk to Carrie. Her ear was numb by the time she hung up the phone. But she didn’t mind.

Hope tossed her cell phone on a chair in the living room and sat at the desk in the corner. She opened the cover on her laptop and pressed the button to turn the computer on. Her fingers tapped out a rhythm on the desk as she waited for the welcome screen. When at last it appeared, she signed onto the Internet and opened up Google. She needed to find a nice restaurant to take Carrie to on Friday. When she was done she opened the desk drawer and found and old notebook and pen. For some reason she was in the mood to write. The poem she wrote was one of happiness and joy.

Chapter 8

Hope didn’t know why she was having such a hard time deciding what to wear. She stood in only her bra and underwear and peered into her closet. The pile of clothes on the bed was growing larger as she tried on another shirt and then tossed it on top of the mountain.  She pulled a light blue silk blouse from her closet. She held it up in front of her and took a look in the full-length mirror. This shirt might work, she thought. She slipped her arms into the sleeves and watched herself in the mirror the whole time she buttoned the shirt. She left the top button undone. She examined herself in the mirror again and undid one more button. It showed more of her throat, but didn’t come anywhere near showing her cleavage. She undid another button and looked again. She added a pendant on a thin silver chain around her neck and nodded her approval.

 I guess I should pick out a nice pair of slacks to go with the shirt. I am not sure that showing up in just my undies would be a good idea. She looked through her closet again and selected a dark gray pair of polyester pants with pleats down the front. She slipped them on and pulled up the zipper in the back. She turned sideways and looked into the mirror, this time checking out her hips and butt. She turned again so her back was to the mirror. She twisted to look back over her shoulder and once again checked out her rear end. Satisfied that she looked good she picked up the clothes from the bed to hang back in the closet.

Her attention was drawn to the cardboard box on the shelf above her head. She reached up and pulled the box down and put it on the now cleared off bed. She lifted the lid, avoiding the layer of dust on it and set it on the floor. She sat down on the bed next to the box and pulled out a spiral notebook. She flipped through the pages, stopping here and there to read the words there in her own handwriting.  A poem she wrote during the time she was preparing to leave Tom caught her eye.

Now I don’t believe in good fortune

And I don’t believe in accidents

And I’ve gone against all of my instincts

In complete disregard of good sense

And I’ve put myself in this position

All at good judgment’s expense

Since I’ve accepted this mission

I cannot claim innocence

I should run

Now I stand here before you on guard

Yet we’re willing to play this game

These walls that surround me are hard to get through

But I know that you’ll try just the same

I should run

You should go your way and I’ll go my way

Say it’s been nice and move along without delay

I struggle in my head and it argues with my heart every day

I know better that’s why I can’t stay

I can’t help but trust my suspicion

You want more than I’m able to give

But you shouldn’t mistake my submission

As love, because it’s all relative

Because this broken heart that I carry

Will cause you nothing but grief

I was willing to give you my body

But our moments of joy with be brief

You should run

She pushed away the memories that the poem brought to the front of her mind, pulled out a couple more notebooks, and thumbed through them. Hope set aside one of the notebooks and covered the box again. She left the box on the bed and took the notebook with her when she left the room.

Hope slipped her cell phone into her purse and took her car keys off the hook where they hung by the door. She primped her hair in the hallway mirror applied a thin layer of lipstick and headed out the door.

The traffic on the express was light for a Friday night. Fifteen minutes later she pulled into Carrie’s driveway. Hope glanced in the rear view mirror. She checked her hair and teeth once more before going to the door.

Carrie opened the door several seconds after Hope rang the bell. She stood there wearing a long sleeve tan cardigan sweater and black dress pants. Her hair was pulled back in a loose ponytail. She wore a simple gold chain around her neck.

“Wow, you look very nice,” Hope said.

“You don’t look so bad yourself,” Carrie replied. “Come on in. I am just about ready, but I have to find my other shoe.”  She held up a black pump with a low heel.

Hope stepped into the house. “How could you lose your shoe?”

“I’m usually a tee shirt and sneakers kind of gal. I haven’t worn these in a long time. They were shoved towards the back of my closet and my closet is a mess, so it has to be in there. It must be hiding underneath stuff.”

“Want any help?” Hope pushed the sudden image she had of Carrie on her hands and knees, half in and half out of the closet, from her mind.

“Nope. Make yourself at home and I’ll be right back. If I don’t find it quick, I’ll grab another pair.” Hope sat on the sofa while Carrie went to look for her shoe.

She returned two minutes later with two shoes in her hand. “Found it.” She sat down across from Hope and put her shoes on.

Hope handed her the notebook that she had brought along. “What’s this?” Carrie asked. “Oh my God. Is this your writing?” She was delighted as she opened the pages.

“Don’t get too excited. I don’t know how good they are,” Hope said. “That one has short stories and some of my poems in it.”

“But I am excited. I am looking forward to reading this.” She looked up at Hope. “Can I read one now?”

Hope laughed. Carrie was acting like a child that had just been handed a present. “I guess you can, but if you don’t like it, be gentle. If you tell me it sucks it’s going to hurt my feelings.”

“It’s not going to suck, now stop it.” Carrie thumbed through the book until a title caught her eye. She read the title out loud. “Feel Again.”

“Hey, don’t read it now.” Hope was a little embarrassed even hearing the title read out loud.

“Yes. Why not?” Carrie was determined. “Close your ears if you don’t want to hear it.”

Hope just shook her head in defeat as Carrie began reading.

What I would give to once again feel

The hope of my youth and force of my dream

And the faith that once flowed

Through my very blood stream

That bitterness owns now and will not redeem

In the search for my soul all I find is a ghost

Of all that I’ve lost I miss myself the most

Some people say they would not change a thing if they could

I’m here to say, that I would, I would, I would

Oh what I would give to have eternal peace and a good night’s sleep

And the silence that comes from so very deep

What I would I give to stop living the past with this heart made of stone

And to learn to let go of the only love I’ve ever known

I don’t know if this is all said and done or just one of life’s interludes

I’ve persevered longer than most anyone

So pray for this hopeless cause to St. Jude

“Oh my God, Hope. That is so good. That is so good,” Carrie said.

“Thank you.”

“I mean it. I can’t wait to read the rest.”

Hope stood up. “Well, don’t read them now. I’m hungry. Are you ready to go?”

“Okay. I’ll read them later,” she said, putting the notebook on the coffee table and lifting herself from the sofa. “Let’s go.”

*****

Hope liked the restaurant as soon as they stepped in from the chilly night air. It had a warm and inviting feel to it, with the smell of fresh tomato sauce and grilled steak in the air. They were seated almost immediately at their table once she told the maitre d’ that they had reservations. A large double-sided fireplace sat in the center of the room across from their table. The waiter had arrived within moments of their being seated to bring them fresh bread in a basket and pour water into their glasses.

Hope glanced up from the menu in her hands. “Remember, this is my treat, so order anything you want,” she said to Carrie.

The fireplace added a soft glow to the low lighting and soft music played in the background. Dark, rich wood lined the walls, giving the place an elegant yet rustic look.

Carrie put down her menu. “Well in that case, I’ll have the lobster, the steak, the most expensive bottle of wine they have and two servings of tiramisu for dessert.”

“All right then. As long as you’re sure.” Hope’s smile lit up her face. Carrie thought it made her look even more beautiful. “I guess I’ll just have water then, because I’m not going to be able to afford two meals if you are going to eat all that.”

“Oh sure, offer me food and then make me feel guilty about it. I guess I’ll just get the grilled salmon, and a cheap glass of wine.”

“How about you get the grilled salmon and a good glass of wine?” Hope put her menu down on the table.

“And maybe we can share a tiramisu for dessert?” Carrie tilted her head with the question.

“If you behave.”

The waiter returned to the table. “Are you ready to order?” he asked. He was tall, with short dark hair and a handsome smile. His well-defined muscles could be seen even though his white dress shirt. But neither woman noticed.

“We are,” Hope nodded. “Go ahead, Carrie,” she said to her companion.

“I’ll have the grilled salmon. For my side can I get a baked potato with the sour cream and blue cheese dressing on the salad?”

“And to drink?” The waiter asked.

“I am going to just have water,” she said, “and could we get some lemon wedges, please.”

“Go ahead and order wine,” Hope told her.

“No, I just want water tonight, thanks.” Carrie smiled.

“You don’t have to worry about driving. Are you sure you don’t want a drink?” Carrie just shook her head. “All right, if you’re sure.” Hope turned back to the waiter, “I’ll have the same.” She picked up both menus and handed them to him. “Thanks.”

He returned two minutes later with a dish of lemon wedges. Carrie picked up a piece of the yellow fruit and squeezed a bit of juice from it into her glass of water before dropping it in.

“How was your day?” Hope asked.

“It was good. I snuck out of work early and did a little painting.” She leaned forward and whispered, “But don’t tell anyone.”

Hope leaned forward, too, and whispered, “I won’t.”

Now it was Carrie’s turn to ask. “How was your day? Did you remember to wash after every mouth?”

“Yes, I washed after every mouth.” Hope grinned. “My day was good. We had two last minute cancellations so I got to leave on time, which doesn’t always happen.”

“You did a great job picking the restaurant by the way. I love this place. They have great food.”

“I’m glad you like it. I’ve never been here before.”

Carrie was surprised. “How come you picked a place that you’ve never been too?”

“I looked up some places online. I wanted some place nice, but not so nice that you had to wear your bridesmaid’s dress. The thought of that just scared me.” Hope gave a laugh that was matched by Carrie’s. “I looked at what got good customer reviews. This place came out on top. So, I guess you aren’t the only one that likes it.”

“I guess that means I have good taste.”

“Yes, I think that means you have good taste.” Hope couldn’t help but notice the fire nearby casting a warm glow on Carrie’s skin and dancing in her green eyes. She felt lost in those eyes for a second. Carrie is a beautiful woman. Anyone would notice how smooth her skin looks and how green her eyes are. Hope justified the thoughts to herself, and she believed it…at least for a little while.

Carrie was right. The food was delicious. There wasn’t enough left on either woman’s plate to take home doggy bags.

After taking the dirty dishes away the waiter returned with one tiramisu and two spoons. Carrie dipped her spoon into the dessert and took a bite. “Mmm, this is so good,” she said, her hand covering her full mouth. She took another spoonful and offered it across the table to Hope. “Here eat this.”

Hope leaned forward and took the bite from Carrie’s spoon. She swallowed before speaking. “Wow, you’re right. That’s good.” Hope used her own spoon and took another bite. 

They were both very full when they left the restaurant and walked to Hope’s car. She pulled out of the parking space and headed in the direction of the movie theater.

After buying their tickets and entering the theater, both women passed by the popcorn and candy area without so much as a glance. They were too full from dinner to even think about eating anything else.

Large movie posters hung on the walls that led the way to room five where their movie would be starting in about fifteen minutes.

Carrie pulled open the door to the large room. The previews hadn’t yet started so the lights were still on, making it easier for Hope and Carrie to choose their seats. There were still plenty of seats to choose from. “Where would you like to sit?” Carrie asked Hope.

“Somewhere towards the middle, if that’s all right with you. I don’t like to be too close to the screen.”

“That’s perfect. I don’t like to be too close to the screen either.” They had only taken a few steps when the room was plunged into darkness. The movie screen lit up with a warning about talking during the movie and turning off cell phones. A dim light bounced off the screen.

Hope’s eyes didn’t adjust to the change in darkness as fast as Carrie’s did and she reached out and grabbed Carrie’s hand as she realized that Carrie was moving forward without her. They walked like this until Carrie asked, “How’s this? Not too close.”

“This is fine,” Hope said into Carrie’s ear as music from the first preview filled the room. She was suddenly aware that Carrie’s hand was still in hers. She could feel its warmth and let it go.  She ran her hand through her hair, nervously.  She refused to let her mind think about how good Carrie’s hand felt in hers. They moved into the middle of the row and took their seats, watching the previews until their movie began.

Hope thoroughly enjoyed her evening with Carrie. The food and conversation at the restaurant were wonderful, and she had even enjoyed the movie. Romantic comedies were her favorites and Sandra Bullock never disappointed.

She was sorry to see the night end as she pulled into Carrie’s driveway. “Well, here we are,” she said.

“Would you like to come in for something to drink?” Carrie asked, “Or a snack?”

“I would love to, but I really should get going.” Hope resisted the urge to spend more time with Carrie tonight.

“Okay,” Carrie said and leaned across the seat to give Hope a hug. “I had a great time. Drive careful.” Her smile was bright, even in the darkness of the car.

“I had a great time, too. Have a good night.”

 Hope waited until Carrie had unlocked the door and entered her house before she backed out on the street and drove towards home.    

*****    

Carrie hung up her coat and took her shoes off at the door. She poured herself the last glass of wine from the bottle that Hope had brought for dinner the week before, and made herself comfortable on the couch. With her feet tucked under her she reached for the notebook with Hope’s poems and short stories and began to read.

It was two a.m. by the time Carrie looked up from the notebook. She was shocked when she looked at the clock. She had become so engrossed in reading that she had lost all track of time. She put the notebook on the coffee table, rose and stretched to remove the kinks from sitting in the same position for so long.

She had liked Hope before, but she liked her even better now. Reading the words that Hope had written made Carrie feel liked she had seen a glimpse into Hope’s soul, a soul that was full of love and kindness and at the same time full of want and a life unfulfilled.

Carrie made her way to the bedroom. She stripped out of her clothes and slipped on an old long sleeve tee shirt that she used as pajamas. She fell asleep almost as soon as her head hit the pillow. Her night was filled with dreams of Hope, dreams that faded into tiny sliver-like memories when she woke up the next morning.

Chapter 9

“I finished reading your work. I really, really like your writing,” Carrie said as she and Hope walked on the canal. It had been a little more than a week since they had gone out to dinner and the movies. Since then, they had spent several evenings talking on the phone, their conversations often moving from serious, personal topics to light, humorous ones that sent them both into fits of laughter.

It was during one of these conversations that Hope suggested a walk along the path of the Erie Canal. They were hoping for a bright sunny day to help cut the chill in the air, and that was exactly what they got on Saturday.

There were few other people on the trail. In the summer it would be full of people walking, jogging or riding their bikes. Most people found it much more appealing in the warmer weather.

“Thank you,” Hope said. “I have never let anyone read my writing before.”

Carrie’s voice betrayed her surprise, “No one?”

“No. I guess my writing has been like a private piece of me that I kept for myself,” Hope said.

Carrie stopped walking. Hope took another two steps before realizing she was walking alone and stopped. She turned back toward Carrie. Carrie just looked at her.

“What?” Hope asked.

“You never showed them to anyone, ever? But you let me read them? Wow. I am truly honored.” She took a step closer to Hope and touched her arm. “How come you showed them to me?”

Hope shrugged her shoulders. She couldn’t quite put into words how close she felt to Carrie and why she had let her read what no one else even knew existed. “I guess because I trust you.” She looked up at the deep blue sky and tried to find the right words to explain. “I knew they would be safe in your hands,” she said looking back at Carrie. “I feel like my heart is in those pages. I…” Hope stammered. “I kept my heart in that box in the closet along with my notebooks. Maybe I thought it was time to let it out. I trusted that you wouldn’t read my words and think I was a fool.”

“Thank you for that. I would never think you’re a fool. You are a wonderful person and an excellent writer and I think you should try to get your work published.” They began to walk again.

“I’m not sure about that,” Hope said.

“Why? Because it’s so personal?”

“No, because I’m not sure it’s good enough.”

Carrie reached out and touched Hope’s arm again. “Believe me, it’s more than good enough.”

Hope liked the feel of Carrie touching her, even through the sleeve of her light winter jacket. But, the touch also brought a bit of fear with it. A fear that brought back a memory that Hope had long ago pushed aside. So, it was a feeling of regret and relief when Carrie removed her hand from Hope’s arm.

They walked in comfortable silence for several minutes. They were two people enjoying each other’s company without the need for constant talk.

“Would you like to read more of my writing?” Hope asked as they got to a paved section of the trail. The area ahead was the backdrop for several restaurants and specialty shops.

“I would love to. I really would.” Carrie grabbed Hope’s hand and led her off the trail towards one of the small buildings. “Come on,” she said. “I’ll buy you a cup of coffee.” They walked around the front of the small coffee shop. Carrie held the door open for Hope. “This place has the best coffee,” Carrie said. “Have you ever been here before?”

“I have been to some of these shops but I haven’t been in here.” The smell of warm coffee and a hint of vanilla swarmed around them as they entered. The women looked at the coffee choices written on a large blackboard behind the counter. The day’s special was pumpkin spice coffee.

“What’ll you have?” the tall teenage boy with thick glasses and in bad need of a haircut asked. 

“I’ll have a medium vanilla low-fat latte,” Hope said. She turned to her companion. “Want to split a piece of coffee cake?”

“No. I want my own piece,” Carrie smiled. She turned to the teenager. “Two pieces of coffee cake and I’ll have a cup of umm, let’s see…” She looked the board over again. “A cinnamon caramel latte. Medium.” She handed him a ten-dollar bill. She tucked a dollar bill and the loose change he gave her back into the tip jar.

The boy took two pieces of coffee cake from the back of the glass display case and set them on the counter in front of the women. He added a fork to each plate before starting to work on their drinks.

Carrie picked up both plates. “Do you want to sit while we wait for the coffee?” She nodded towards one of the last two tables left unoccupied. Hope led the way to the one in the far corner, and pulled out a chair for Carrie. Carrie put a piece of cake in front of Hope before sitting down with her own piece.

The shop was small with less than a dozen tables. Most of the tables accommodated two chairs. A few had four chairs surrounding them. All but two of the chairs were now occupied. The soft sounds of classical music floated through the air. Two large windows in the front of the shop allowed the sun to pour in.

It was only a couple of minutes before their lattes were ready and Hope rose to get them. She tucked a few napkins under her arm before picking up the tall paper cups.

“Did you miss me?” she asked when she returned to the table.

Carrie’s face lit up with her smile. “Sure did.” She reached for her coffee. “Thanks.”

“It turned out to be a really nice day, didn’t it?” Hope said.

“It did,” Carrie answered. “Nice day, good coffee.” She held up her cup. “Great company.” She cut into her piece of cake and took a big bite. “Mmm,” she said, her mouth still full.

“That good, huh?” Hope smiled. She took a bite of her own cake. “Mmm,” she said repeating Carrie’s response. “This is good. It’s so moist.” She took a swallow of her coffee drink.

They sat and talked while they enjoyed their coffee and cake. They stayed while many of the other customers finished their purchases, left, and were replaced by new customers. An hour and half passed before they returned their empty plates to the counter and threw their coffee cups away.

Carrie led the way to a small novelty shop next door. “I love this place,” she said as they entered. The small store was crammed full of handmade items that ran the gamut from delicate crocheted baby blankets to hand painted rocks.

“Oh, this is beautiful,” Carrie said picking up a glass Christmas tree ornament. Inside the delicate glass was a tiny painting of a winter scene. The slip of paper was surrounded by more paper cut into tiny snowflakes. She looked at the price tag. “It’s fifty dollars,” she said before carefully setting it back down. “I would think that they would have something this delicate and expensive in a show case or something, not just sitting here out in the open.” Hope nodded her head in agreement before wandering over to a selection of hand carved figurines that caught her eye.

Carrie strolled through the shop, stopping here and there to examine some of the merchandise a little closer. By the cash register she spotted several very elegant looking writing pens. Each one was individually packaged in a box made of wood that matched the pens. She gingerly picked up a pen from its box. The smoothness and weight of the pen felt good in her hand. The small label hanging from a string tied to the pen announced the pen was made from Zebrawood. Other pens were made from oak or walnut or ash. Carrie definitely liked the look of the Zebrawood the best.

“Aren’t they superb?” the short, plump sales woman behind the counter asked Carrie.

“They are,” Carrie agreed.

The woman pulled a pad of paper from under the counter and set the tablet in front of her. “Here,” she said. “Go ahead and write with it. Give it a try.”

Carrie wrote her name and drew a few squiggles on the paper. The ink flow was smooth and even. “I’ll take it,” Carrie said leaning forward and lowering her voice. “Do you have gift wrapping here too. It’s going to be a gift for my friend over there.” She subtly tilted her head towards Hope.

“I understand,” the woman whispered back.

Carrie gently put the pen back into the wooden box and closed the lid. She handed it to the woman, followed by four twenty-dollar bills. Carrie tucked the change the woman handed to her, into the front pocket of her jeans.

“I’ll be right back,” the woman whispered to Carrie. She slipped through a doorway behind the counter, taking the pen with her.

Carrie’s attention was drawn to a display of hand painted rocks on a table to the left of the counter. She picked up a rock with a tri colored collie painted on it. The irregular shape of the rock lent itself perfectly to the outline of the dog. She examined the painting closely.

“Those are painted by a local artist, Christine Darna. I just love them,” the saleswoman said as she returned. She discreetly handed Carrie a small bag containing a neatly wrapped package, complete with a small white bow. Carrie slipped the bag into the pocket of her coat.

“She puts so much detail into them. I swear I’m going to touch fur when I pick them up,” the woman continued.

“It’s really beautifully painted,” Carrie said, turning the rock over in her hand.

“And see how she matches the subject to the shape of the rock?” The saleswoman picked up another rock painting of a squirrel. Once again, the shape of the rock lent it self perfectly to the shape of the squirrel, almost as if the rock had been created just for that painting. “Do you have a collie?”

“No, my grandmother did. She loved…loves collies. How much is this?”

“Twenty-four ninety-five, plus tax of course. Always got to give the government their share,” the woman said with a smile. “I’m sure your grandmother would love it.”

Carrie looked over at Hope. She was busy looking through a rack of hand drawn greeting cards. She mulled over the idea of adding another collie to the collection that her mother had started for her grandmother. “Oh, what the heck,” she said, “I’ll take it.”

The woman carefully wrapped it in tissue paper as if it were fine crystal and gently placed it into a small red bag with paper handles.

“What are you buying?” Hope asked as she approached the counter.

“Another collie for my grandmother’s collection. I think I am starting to be as crazy as my mother. But it was so cute, I couldn’t help myself.”

“Crazy can be a good thing,” Hope told her as Carrie paid for her purchase.

The two women left the store and started back on the trail, heading in the direction of their cars. Hope was reluctant to see their time together come to an end.

Chapter 10

“I need you to take all your clothes off.” Carrie said to Hope the following week.

“You aren’t even going to buy me dinner first?” Hope laughed. “Usually my dates buy me dinner before ordering me to get naked.”

“Hey, I gave you a glass of juice and a snack when you got here. What more do you want?” Carrie adjusted the blinds on the window, letting more light into the room. Her tone turned more serious as she gave her full attention to Hope. “Not too late to back out of this if you don’t feel comfortable with it.”

Hope gave her a reassuring grin. “I’m just kidding. I’m fine.”

“Okay. I’ll leave the room and you can get undressed. You can leave your underpants on for this part, but your bra needs to come off.” Carrie handed Hope a neatly folded length of light blue satin that was about six inches wide and ten feet long. “You can wrap this around you so that you’re covered and call me when you’re ready. I have the heat turned up nice and high so you shouldn’t get chilled.” She looked into Hope’s brown eyes, and noticed the tiny gold flakes reflected in them. Beautiful eyes, she thought to herself, beautiful woman. “Are you ready?” Carrie asked her.

“I’m ready.”

Carrie left the room, and closed the door behind her.

*****

Hope took a deep breath. She wasn’t overly modest and being naked didn’t bother her, but for some reason she wanted Carrie to find her body pleasing. I just want to look nice for the painting, she told herself.

Hope unfastened the buttons on her blouse and removed it. She folded it neatly and placed it on a chair in the corner. The rest of her clothes, except for her panties, followed. She wrapped the satin cloth loosely around her, covering her breasts and letting it fall over her waist. It didn’t quite cover all of her hips. She held it in place with her hands.

Hope called out to Carrie, “All right. I’m ready.” It only took moments for Carrie to return.

“Perfect,” Carrie said, as she looked Hope up and down. Hope blushed slightly.

Carrie turned on two lights and pointed them in the direction of a tall wooden stool positioned a few feet in front of the window. “Okay,” she said. “Come on over here and sit on the stool and I’ll pose you.”

Hope did as she was told. “Pose away.”

“Can you put one foot on the bottom rung of the stool and let the other hang free, touching the floor?” Hope positioned herself on the stool. “Great. Now turn your face this way a little.” Carrie gently lifted Hope’s chin. She placed a hand on each side of Hope’s head to tilt it a little towards the left. Hope looked into Carrie’s eyes. She felt the warmth of Carrie’s hands on her skin and it sent a chill through her. Hope closed her eyes and swallowed, willing the feeling away. “Okay?” Carrie asked her.

Hope opened her eyes again. “Yep, just fine.” She stared pass Carrie and found a spot on the far wall to focus her attention on.

“I am going to need to rearrange the cloth now.” Carrie waited until Hope nodded before she continued. She pulled the cloth away from Hope’s body, briefly exposing her nakedness. Hope brought her attention back to Carrie and noticed that Carrie’s eyes remained on the cloth as she moved it over Hope’s shoulders and laid it back down covering Hope’s breasts. Carrie let out a small sigh. She took the remaining material and arranged it so it covered half of Hope’s waist and the tail end of it was laid across Hope’s lap. “I am going to pull your underwear down a little on the side here. Okay?”

“Sure. That’s fine.” Hope continued to watch as Carrie pulled the lavender underwear down a couple of inches exposing the skin on Hope’s hip. The artist arranged the rest of the material so that it covered up the underwear and draped down over part of Hope’s long legs.

Carrie stepped back and looked Hope up and down. She slowly nodded her approval. Smiling at Hope she said. “I think that’s it. Are you comfortable?”

“Yep,” Hope said, staying as still as possible.

“Okay. I am going to take some photos so I have something to work from when you aren’t here, and then I’m going to start a pencil sketch. It will probably be about thirty minutes before we get a break, but let me know if you need to move before that.”

“All right.” Hope said, barely moving her mouth.

Carrie laughed. “It’s ok to talk. You can move your mouth, at least right now. So just relax.”

“All right,” Hope said. “Should I smile or not smile?” She smiled wide and then dropped the corners of her mouth. She smiled again waiting for Carries reply.

“Anything you want is fine at this point. When I get into the details of the face I will let you know what to do.” Carrie picked up the digital camera from the table. She removed the lens cap. It dangled from the camera by a strap. She turned the camera on and checked the manual settings. “Okay, here we go.”

Carrie looked through the viewfinder and snapped a few pictures. She moved around Hope and snapped a few more. Carrie moved the camera away from her face to look at Hope directly. “How ya doing?”

“So far so good,” she smiled.

“You are doing great.”

Carrie walked over and stood by her easel. “I just need to get a few more from over here so that I have the correct view.” She pushed the shutter several more times. Carrie did a quick review of the photos and shut the camera off. She set it down and picked up her drawing pencil.

Carrie looked at Hope for several long moments before making a few broad sweeping strokes on the drawing pad, set upright on the easel in front of her. “Doing okay?”

“I am doing fine. Stop worrying about me. You just draw, and make me look beautiful.” Hope smiled.

“That won’t be hard to do because you really are beautiful, especially when you smile like that,” Carrie said.

Hope blushed, but continued to smile. “Thanks.” She looked down, breaking the eye contact with Carrie.

“Don’t be embarrassed. I have seen hundreds, maybe thousands of beautiful naked women and you rate right up there in the top one or two percent.” Carried grinned as she glanced at Hope.

“Thousands, huh?” Hope brought her eyes back up to Carrie’s. “And where did you happen to see all of these women?” Hope felt a confusing pang of jealousy, despite the fact that she knew Carrie was only joking.

Carrie continued to draw as she answered. “Okay, I may be exaggerating. It was probably more like nine or ten. They were models for my drawing classes in college. And now that I think about it, you are definitely the most beautiful one.” She paused for a moment. “Really.”

Several minutes passed without any talking while Carrie sketched, her eyes traveling between Hope and her sketchpad.

Carrie broke the silence. “So, how is everything going? How is work?”

“I’m doing good. Work is fine for the most part, but I did something really stupid.”

“I can’t imagine that. What did you do?” Carrie’s pencil was still as she focused her attention on Hope waiting for the answer.

“They are starting a bowling team for our office and when they asked me to join it, I did.” She shook her head. “I told them no at first, but they kept bugging me about it because they were one person short. They wore me down and I gave in and joined.”

“And why exactly is that a stupid thing to do?” Carrie went back to drawing as she talked.

“Because I don’t bowl. Not really. I haven’t done it since I was a teenager and then I sucked at it.”

“You are in luck then, because I am a great bowler. Not just a good bowler, I mean a great bowler. Do you know what a turkey is?” Carrie’s sketch was starting to take shape and was beginning to look like a female body.

“It’s three strikes in a row, isn’t it?” Hope’s nose was beginning to itch.

“Oh yeah, it’s that, too. I was thinking of the big heavy bird that we eat at Thanksgiving. I was just testing your knowledge of animals.” Carried giggled at her lame joke.

“You’re a turkey,” Hope said laughing.

“Back to my bowling tales. I really am a decent bowler and if you beg me I can teach you to bowl. So what do you say? Want to beg me?”

Hope thought about it for a moment. “Oh please, oh please, oh please teach me to bowl. How was that? Was that good begging?” Hope’s smile was wide.

“Wow, that was great begging. Okay, I’ll do it, seeing you asked so nice. When does the bowling league start?”

Hope scrunched up her face. “Next week.”

“Next week? We better get moving on this then. What are you doing tomorrow?” Carrie examined her sketch, moving her chair back, so she could look at it from a distance.

Hope tried to look over the top of the sketchpad to see if she could she anything that Carrie had drawn. She couldn’t.

“I am having breakfast with my mother and sister at nine, but then I’m free the rest of the day. What were you thinking?”

“I’m thinking that you didn’t invite me out to breakfast with your mother and sister.”

Hope laughed. “Believe me, I did you a favor not inviting you. A good time will not be had by all. I can take my sister and my mother each by themselves, but together they make me crazy. They don’t stop talking and they always have better ideas on how I should run my life than I do.”

“Then tomorrow when you can’t take any more you just tell them you have to leave because you have a date with a really good looking, really hot bowling coach and you come and get me. And then we bowl, baby. We bowl.” Pencil still in hand, Carrie made the motion of throwing an imaginary bowling ball.

“All right. Let me get this straight so I can remember it.” Hope looked up as if she was trying to file the information away. “Good looking, really hot bowling coach.” She brought her eyes back down so she could look at Carrie. “All right. I think I have it. I can plan on leaving there around eleven. How about I come and get you around eleven-thirty? If you are serious about helping me.”

“Of course I’m serious. When have you ever known me not to be serious?” Carrie crossed her eyes and stuck her tongue out at Hope. “But seriously,” she said,  ”I would love to help you become a better bowler. And eleven-thirty would be fine. Now hold your head still for a couple of minutes and then I’ll let you take a break.”

Hope stopped talking and held her head very still. Carrie tilted her head sideways looking at Hope. She squinted her eyes so all she saw as blurry shapes and values, without any of the detail.

“Tip you head up a little and slightly to the left.” Hope did as she was told. “Just a little more,” Carrie said. “And don’t look directly at me, look a just a little up and left.” Hope moved a little more. “Right there. Perfect.” Carrie continued to draw, working on the head and face. “Okay, that’s it for now. Hang on and I’ll get you a robe to put on.”

Carrie returned with a soft pink cotton robe and handed it to Hope.

“Thanks,” Hope said. Carrie turned her back while Hope unwrapped the long cloth from around herself and slipped off the stool to put the robe on. “All set,” she said.

Carrie turned back around. “Would you like some tea? I have regular tea and I have some flavored herbal tea. And of course I have fresh baked cookies.”

Hope followed Carrie out of the room and into the kitchen. “Tea would be great and I guess I could force one of your cookies down.”

Carrie surveyed the cupboard in the kitchen. “I have regular tea, Lemon/Ginger Twist, Raspberry Delight, or Oolong Tea. What is your pleasure?”

“Raspberry Delight sounds good.” Hope sat in the kitchen chair, pulling the bathrobe around her tighter. She retied the belt to keep it closed.

Carrie put the teakettle on to boil and took two cups down from the shelf. “Help yourself to the cookies,” she said, placing the plate full of chocolate chip cookies in the middle of the table.

Hope pulled a paper napkin from the holder on the table and took a cookie. She bit into it and her face lit up like a delighted child. “Wow, this is so good. I think I’ll give up regular food and just come over here and live on your baked goods.”

“Okay,” Carrie said pulling up a chair. “No need to eat yucky carrots when you can eat sweets.”

They sat and talked until the whistle on the kettle pierced through the air. “That is such an obnoxious noise,” Carrie said removing it from the burner and turning the knob to off. She poured the hot water over the tea bags. “Would you like milk, or sugar with yours? Or I think I have some honey.” She set the cup of tea down in front of Hope.

“No, this is fine just like this.” She reached for another cookie, letting her tea steep.

“How are you doing? Are you comfortable posing?” Carrie asked as she sat across from Hope.

“It’s fine. The time goes fast because we are talking. When I did modeling for the art class back in college, the room was totally quiet. No music or anything. The only thing you could hear was the professor’s shoes squeaking as he walked around. It drove me crazy and I felt like time stood still. This is so much better. I don’t mind this at all.”

“Good,” Carrie said, “I would hate it if you were uncomfortable posing for me.”

Hope took a bite of her cookie. “Even if it was difficult to pose for you, any pain of posing would be compensated by the taste of these cookies.”

“You make a great model. I think these paintings are going to come out nice.”

Hope smiled as she continued to eat her cookie.    

It didn’t take long for them to finish their tea and cookies and head back to the art room. Carrie reposed Hope into the correct position and started again on her preliminary drawing.

They talked continuously as Carrie drew, her attention going between the drawing in front of her and Hope. After a while Carrie said, “It should be just about break time, but if you can stay like that for about ten more minutes, we can call it a night. I think I’ll have enough to start the under painting from this.”

“That’s fine,” Hope replied. She had been having such a good time talking to Carrie that she totally forgot that she hadn’t moved in quite a while.

It took Carrie another fifteen minutes to finish the drawing. “Sorry about that, took a little longer than I thought,” Carrie said as she stood. “Go ahead and get dressed. I’ll meet you back in the living room. Do you want some juice or something else to drink?”

“Sure, whatever you have will be fine. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

Carrie left the room, closing the door behind her. Hope was a little stiff as she slipped off the stool. She twisted her neck and shoulders to loosen them up. She folded the blue cloth up into a neat pile and left it on the stool before getting dressed and joining Carrie in the living room.

Chapter 11

Hope tied the bowling shoes on her feet. She scrunched up her nose as a look of disgust crossed her face, her features drawn tight. “Are you sure these are sanitary?” she asked Carrie.

“They spray them after every customer. At least that’s the theory. If you want, we can buy you a pair of bowling shoes before we practice next time.”

Hope stood up. “Yes. I want to do that. Can we go get them right now?”

“No.” Carrie laughed. “We can’t go now. You will just have to take your chances that you won’t catch some fatal disease from those, because right now we are going to practice bowling.”

“But they are so ugly. Ugly, germ-infested bowling shoes.” Hope followed Carrie to the hard plastic seats.

“Since when are you a germaphobe? You play in people’s mouth’s all day. I would think you would be very used to germs.”

“I’m not a germaphobe. It’s just the thought of putting my feet into shoes that have been worn by millions of other people is gross.”

“I doubt millions of people have worn that pair of shoes. It probably wasn’t more than ten thousand.” Carrie smiled.

“You aren’t helping here.”

“Come on we have to get to work. Forget about the shoes for now.” She unzipped the bowling ball bag that she brought with her. She pulled out the sixteen-pound ball and handed it to Hope. “How does that feel?” She asked her.

Hope thought about it for a moment. “It feels hard and round,” she answered.

“Ha, ha,” Carrie said. “I mean the weight. Is it too heavy?”

“Yeah, I am thinking that this is too heavy for me.” She put her fingers and thumb into the holes and held it up with difficulty. “Yeah, I am pretty sure it’s too heavy. I feel like such a wimp.”

“You’re no wimp,” Carrie reassured her. “We’ll find you a ball that works for you. Come on.” She walked over to the rack of balls lined up by the wall. She picked up several balls and examined them, feeling the weight of each in her hands. She handed Hope a twelve pound ball with pink and white swirls. “What do you think of this one?” Carrie asked.

“It’s pretty,” Hope said, with a smile. “But that’s probably not what you meant, huh?”

“Smart-ass. No, I meant the weight and finger holes.”

Hope slipped her fingers and thumb into it. They slid in easily. She held the ball for several seconds. “I think this one would be fine.”

“Let’s give it a try then.”  Carrie and Hope walked back to the lane.

“Okay, lady, show me what you got,” Carrie said, settling into the hard plastic seat.

“You aren’t going to show me how to do it first?” Hope frowned. She looked like a disappointed child.

“No, I want to see what you can do first. So, go ahead and I’ll watch.”

Hope held the ball up to her nose. Her left hand supported the ball from the underside while her right hand gripped the ball with the finger and thumb holes. She took three awkward steps forward, stopped completely and swung her right arm with the bowling ball, down and back. She bent slightly at the waist as she brought the ball forward, flipping her hand completely over so that her thumb faced down when she released the ball.

The ball traveled only a short distant before landing with a slight thud in the gutter to continue its journey down the alley. Hope stood there and watched the ball until it was completely out of sight. The pins were lifted in the air, and the pin sweeper did its job. She turned to face Carrie. “How many points was that?” she grinned.

Carrie tried her best not to laugh but a small snort escaped anyway. “Um, let me think. Gutter balls are zero points, I think.” She couldn’t hold back the laugh this time. Hope joined her.

“I told you I suck at this.”

“That’s why I’m here, to help you suck less.” Hope’s bowling ball made its rounds and was safely deposited back on the ball return to wait for her.

Carrie got up and took the ball off the rack. “Let’s start with holding the ball the right way.” She handed the ball to Hope. Hope slipped her middle and ring finger into the holes and did the same with her thumb. She held the ball up to her nose, supporting the ball with her left hand.

Carrie reached over and placed one hand under Hope’s left hand and the other on top of the ball. “Lower the ball, and move this hand over here to the side.” Carrie could feel the softness of Hope’s hand under hers. She continued with the lesson. “Okay, that’s the way you should hold the ball to start. Now let’s turn around and face the pins.” Carrie dropped her hands from Hope’s and Hope turned to face the lane. Carrie stood behind Hope and whispered in her ear. “Remember that this game is about accuracy. It’s not a race. We are going to go nice and slow. You want to be in control.” Carrie put her hands around Hope’s waist. “Let’s move back just a little here.” She stepped back and moved Hope with her. “Good, now start from here.”

Carrie stepped away from Hope. “You are going to take four steps to the line, start on your right foot. As you step you are a letting the ball swing, nice and easy. Let it swing straight back and let it swing straight forward. Bend your knees a little on the fourth step and let the ball go. Don’t worry about where it goes right now. Let’s just worry about getting the rhythm of the steps and letting the ball swing.”

Hope tried to take in everything Carrie was telling her. She counted her steps to the foul line, letting the ball swing back and forth with the steps. She let it go and it bounced once before skittering down the alley and into the gutter.

“Much better,” Carrie told her. “But you let the ball go a little too late. Here let me show you. Come on back here to start.” Hope moved back a few steps. Carrie came up behind Hope and put her left arm around her waist. With her right hand she took Hope’s hand in her own. “We are going to walk through this,” she said into Hope’s ear. She could smell the faded scent of honeysuckle perfume.

In unison the women took four slow steps. Carrie guided Hope’s hand back and then forward again. “When your hand is here…” Carrie said stopping her hand for a moment, “…is when you let it go. Keep your hand in this position. Don’t let it turn.” She stayed close behind Hope for a moment longer before letting her go and stepping away.

Carrie retrieved the bowling ball and handed it to Hope. “Give it another try.”

Hope looked at Carrie. “Can you show me a few times so I can watch you?”

“Amateurs,” Carrie said as she shook her head. She retrieved her ball from her bowling bag and walked to her starting point. Carrie turned to look at Hope. “I’m starting a little closer than I told you to start at because my legs are a little shorter, so my steps are a shorter.”

Carrie turned to face the lane. She narrated her movements as she went. “See where I’m holding the ball. This is a good starting point. I’m looking down the alley at a spot just left of the head pin. That’s what works for me. We’ll figure out later what spot would be best for you to look at.” She continued talking as she went through the moves. When she released the ball it slid smoothly down the lane, taking a slight curve to the left before hitting squarely on the head pin, sending most of the pins flying. The seven pin in the corner teetered back and forth before settling back down in an upright position.

Hope clapped her hands together. “Wow, you are good.”

Carrie smiled and went back to the ball return to wait. She threw her second ball, again talking through it, explaining where she was aiming and why. The ball easily took out the seven pin. “That’s a spare,” she said to Hope.

“That was great.”

“Now let’s work on your stance. We’ll work on your release and accuracy later.” She took a seat again. “Start where I told you to start.”

Hope walked to the area, bowling ball in hand. “Here?” Hope asked.

“Perfect. Start there. Do you want me to talk you through it again?”

“Would you mind? Just until I get the hang of this.”  

They continued to work and Hope made steady progress. Pins started to go down with each throw.

“Now that we have the basics down the only thing left to do is practice, practice, practice,” Carrie said as the lessons for the day came to an end.

“Wow, that’s the same way you get to Carnegie Hall,” Hope said.

“Funny lady. What are you doing tomorrow night? We could come back and get some practice in then if you want.”

“I would really appreciate it,” Hope smiled, “but can we go buy me a pair of my own bowling shoes first?”

“Oh sure. I’ll take you to get bowling shoes before we come back here. Now come on, I’ll buy you a soda after you get out of those disgusting, germ infested things,” Carrie said, pointing at the rented shoes on Hope’s feet. Hope gave her a playful swat.

Chapter 12     

Hope knocked on Carrie’s door. “Are you ready?” she asked when Carrie opened it.

“Just about. Come on in. I need about two more minutes,” Carrie said. “I just got home from the visiting my grandmother and I want to change my clothes.” She led the way to the living room. “Sit, make yourself comfortable, and I will be right back.”

Hope sat down without taking off her coat. “You must be hungry,” she called to Carrie.

“A little bit,” Carrie yelled back from her bedroom. She emerged a few minutes later wearing a pair of butt-hugging dark denim jeans and a long- sleeved dark blue tee shirt. She looked at Hope. “You didn’t even take your coat off. Aren’t you getting too warm sitting there?”

“Umm, I’m a little embarrassed about the shirt I’m wearing,” Hope said.

Carrie smiled. “What do you mean you’re embarrassed about your shirt?” Is it really low cut or something?”

“No, it’s just really ugly?”

“Why are you wearing an ugly shirt?”

“It’s our team bowling shirt. I can’t believe they are making us wear these.”

“Well, seeing you are bowling on your league tonight for the first time, I think that wearing the team shirt is only right. Let me see it,” Carrie tried not to laugh at the strange look on Hope’s face.

“I’m not sure I want anyone to see it,” Hope said.

“I’m not just anyone. Are you planning on bowling with your coat on all night?”

“Maybe,” Hope said. She stood up. “Are you ready to go?”

“We can go right after you show me the shirt. Come on. Let’s see it. It can’t be that bad.”

“The only thing that will be more embarrassing than my bowling tonight is going to be this shirt,” Hope said.

Carrie took two steps towards Hope. She unbuttoned the top two buttons on Hope’s coat. She stopped suddenly. The move felt much too intimate and personal. She felt flush being so close to Hope. “Sorry,” she stammered, unsure of what else to say.

“It’s all right,” Hope reassured her. She unbuttoned the rest of her coat and pulled it open, revealing a shocking orange bowling shirt with her name embroidered above the pocket on the left side.

“Wow,” Carrie said, doing her best not to laugh. “It sure is bright.” She took another step backwards to get a better look. “It brings out the brown in your eyes.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Hope smiled. “I think I’ll wear this color more often. I am always looking for clothes that bring out the color of my eyes. The back is even worse. But, you’re going to have to wait until we get there to see it, because we have to go, so we aren’t late.”

“I’m ready,” Carrie said. She grabbed her coat from the rack as they headed out the door.

“I’ll buy you a hotdog and beer for dinner, while you watch me make a fool of myself bowling,” Hope told Carrie as they walked to the car.

“Deal,” Carrie answered her. “But you aren’t going to make a fool of yourself bowling. You have improved so much since we started practicing. You are going to do fine.”

Hope started the car and looked over at Carrie. “I’m really nervous about this,” she admitted. “I am so glad you are going with me.”

“Any time.” Carrie looked at Hope and saw her smile. She reached across and touched Hope’s shoulder. “You are going to be just fine. Honest.”

“Thank you,” Hope said. “For everything.”

Fifteen minutes later the two women walked into the bowling alley. The rest of Hope’s team was already there. Carrie thought Hope actually looked very cute in her bowling shirt, at least compared to the rest of the team. All five team members wore the same ugly orange shirts with the words JENSON DENTISTRY with a large white tooth embroidered on the back.

Hope carried a small canvas bag containing her new bowling shoes. She sat to put them on and wiggled her toes in them as she tied the laces. She felt much more comfortable in them than she did in the rented shoes. They looked and felt more like sneakers than shoes.

As promised, Hope bought Carrie a hot dog and beer. It took only a few minutes for Carrie to inhale the food. She sat next to Hope on the bench behind the ball return and nursed her beer. They talked in low tones while keeping an eye on Jerry Jenson, the first bowler up. His first ball slammed into the head pin and sent seven of the pins flying. The team clapped and cheered him on. He retrieved his ball and sent it once again flying down the lane. Two more pins went down.

The bowler from the opposing team, Andy’s Auto Parts, also bowled a spare. The competition was on.

Hope was the third bowler up on her team. Carrie crossed her fingers and held them up for Hope to see. Hope picked up her ball and walked to the lane. She took a deep breath and tried to block out everything but the sound of Carrie’s voice in her head telling her what to do. Carrie had worked endlessly with her on technique and follow through. She wanted to make Carrie proud. Hope held the ball up and counted out four steps and let her arm swing straight back behind her and forward again, releasing the ball as she did. It traveled down the lane, knocking three pins down. Damn, she thought. All right. The next shot will be better. Slow down, take your time. No need to rush it. Carrie’s words came back to her.

She turned to wait for her ball to return and caught Carrie’s eye. Carrie gave her a thumbs up. She picked up her ball again and went through the same actions. She aimed a little more to the left where most of the pins were still standing. To her surprise, all but one of them went down. The team cheered as she made her way back to her seat. She tried to look nonchalant but a huge grin broke across her face as Carrie gave her a high-five.

Hope drank a soda and Carrie sipped her beer as they watched the other bowlers take their turns. Carrie quietly whispered in Hope’s ear. She pointed out good things the other players did as well as little errors to avoid. When Hope whispered a question about something the current bowler did, Carrie felt Hope’s warm breath on her ear. She had difficulty as she tried to block out the hot feeling of having Hope so close and to concentrate on what she was saying so she could answer the question. She felt flustered and confused by the feelings.

Her team was ahead when Hope got up to take her turn in the fifth frame. She looked down the lane, over the top of her ball, at the pins standing at attention daring her to knock them down. She took her steps, let her arm swing like a pendulum and released the ball. It veered to the left slightly but curved back toward the center as it rolled smoothly down the lane right towards the head pin. It hit squarely and nine pins scattered. The final pin standing was bumped by another flying by and teetered as if it was deciding whether to remain upright or fall over. The decision was made for it as another pin caught it at its base and brought it down. Hope heard the cheer from her teammates behind her before she fully realized that she had just bowled her first strike ever.

Carrie was on her feet clapping when Hope turned and looked at her, a huge smile plastered on her face. Carrie took two steps forward as Hope approached and pulled her into a tight hug, swaying side to side.

“Great job, Hope,” Carrie said as she released Hope from her arms.

“I couldn’t have done that without all of your help.”

Carrie grinned wide. “I know. Aren’t I great?”

“And modest too,” Hope said as she sat down, grabbing Carrie’s arm and pulling her down to the seat with her.

They watched the other bowlers take their turns. Carrie was enjoying herself much more than she thought she would. It seemed that she enjoyed herself no matter what she was doing as long as it involved Hope.

Hope bowled well that night and Carrie was proud of her. She did bowl one gutter ball, but managed to redeem herself when she got six pins down on her second ball.

It was a close game but Team Jenson Dentistry pulled it off in the end and came out ahead. Hope knew that her part of the win was due to all of the help Carrie had given her. They had practiced almost every evening for the past eight days in addition to that first Sunday lesson.

“Anyone want to go get something to eat?” Jerry asked the team as they packed up their shoes and bowling balls. “My treat.”

“No thanks. We aren’t really hungry,” Hope said without consulting Carrie. She slipped her bowling shoes off and put her loafers back on. “Ready, Carrie?” she asked her.

“Yep,” Carrie answered. They said their good-byes and Carrie followed Hope out the door.

As soon as they were in the car Hope said to Carrie, “I’m sure that hotdog wasn’t enough to eat and I’m starving. Would you like to go grab a bite somewhere?”

Carrie tried to hide the look of surprise on her face. “Sure,” she said. “How come you didn’t want to go out with your teammates?”

“I see them all day at work. I like them, but I wanted to spend some time alone with you. Is that all right? You don’t mind do you?” Hope asked her.

“No, not at all. I like spending time with you, too.”

“Where do you want to go? Oh, shit, I just remembered that I have this stupid looking shirt on. Are there any restaurants where it’s okay to leave your coat on while you eat?” Hope asked.

“It’s not that bad. No one will notice.” Carrie said, with a straight face that broke out into a grin.

“Liar.”

“Why don’t we stop at my house, seeing it’s closer and you can wear one of my shirts,” Carrie offered.

Hope’s eyes briefly drifted down to Carrie’s chest protruding slightly through her winter jacket. Carrie noticed the glance and felt her face get hot.

“I’m not sure I can get into your shirt,” Hope said. “Fit into your shirt,” she corrected as a blush spread up her neck.

“I have a few shirts that I’m sure you will fit in,” Carrie’s face still felt flushed. “Or you can just wear your bowling shirt.”

“Okay, let’s stop at your house. A tight shirt would be better than this thing,” Hope said.

Back at Carrie’s house Hope followed Carrie into her bedroom. Some of Carrie’s friends had been in her bedroom before, for various reasons, but it felt a little strange having Hope standing behind her as she peered into her closet, her bed only a few feet away. Carrie couldn’t quite put her finger on what she felt.

“Anything strike your fancy?” Carrie asked her. She stepped out of the way so Hope could get a better look.

Hope pulled out at maroon pull over shirt that looked like the material would be a little more forgiving. “How about this one?” she asked Carrie. “This one might fit.”

“Great choice,” Carrie said with a smile. Go ahead and change, I’ll wait for you in the other room. Carrie left Hope in her bedroom to change. She tried to push the image of Hope removing her shirt from her mind. What the hell is wrong with me, she thought and shook her head.

Carrie picked up a magazine from the end table and flipped through the pages while she waited for Hope. She looked up as Hope entered the room, wearing Carrie’s shirt and holding her bowling shirt in her hand. It was definitely snug over Hope’s breasts. She was at least a cup size larger than Carrie.

“Well, how does it look?” Hope asked doing a theatrical turn.

Carrie thought the snug look made Hope look incredibly sexy. “It looks fine,” she said out loud. “Are you ready to go?”

“All set.”

Carrie threw the magazine down on the couch and got both of their coats. They headed out the door to Hope’s car.

“We never decided where to go eat. Any preferences?” Hope asked Carrie, looking across the car at her.

“Anywhere is fine. How ‘bout you? Any places strike your fancy?”

“My fancy can be striked or is it struck…by a restaurant with seafood. Are you in the mood for seafood? How about The Lobster Shack?”

“Sounds good to me,” Carrie answered.

Thirty minutes later they were sitting at a table at the Lobster Shack waiting for their food. Hope tied a plastic bib around her neck. A cartoon outline of a big red lobster graced the front.

“You were afraid of looking ridiculous in that bowling shirt, but you have no problem with how you look in a plastic bib?” Carrie tried not to laugh.

“I am trying to keep your shirt clean. I don’t want to get lobster juice or melted butter on it.”

“I’ve seen you eat and I’ve never seen you get anything on your clothes.”

“You’ve never seen me eat seafood. It’s best to sit back and not get too close to me. Shells and butter go everywhere.” Hope gave a small chuckle. “It can be very dangerous. When the waitress comes back I’m going to ask her if they have any goggles. It might be a good idea for you to wear eye protection.”

Carrie shook her head and smiled. “If it gets that bad, I’m going to ask the waitress to seat me at a different table…across the room.”

“No, don’t leave the table. All right. I’ll be careful. But, I’m keeping the bib on. Besides, I think it is very fashionable.” She lifted the edge of the bib and glanced down at it. “And just look how sweet this little fake lobster looks on here.”

“I can’t argue with that. Okay, wear the bib. I’ll stay. Just eat slowly and carefully.”

“All right. I promise,” Hope said with a straight face, but a hint of a laugh in her voice.

Before too long, the waitress came back to the table carrying a large tray, filled with food. Hope rubbed her hands together in anticipation. Carrie smiled at her and leaned back. She enjoyed watching Hope get so excited about eating.

Chapter 13

Three days later the traffic was light as Carrie drove to Hope’s house. She was looking forward to a pleasant evening watching a movie with Hope. She had spent a little time visiting her grandmother after work and had grabbed some leftovers to eat at home before heading out.

She pulled into the driveway of Hope’s large two-story house. Carrie had been here before when she picked Hope up for some of her bowling lessons, but she had never spent any real time at Hope’s house before.

She walked up the short sidewalk to the house, a brown paper bag in her hand. She pulled her jacket up higher around her ears to protect her from the cold wind and rang the doorbell.

Hope opened the door with a bright smile. “Hi, Carrie, come in.” She stepped back to let Carrie pass by her.

“I come bearing gifts,” Carrie said as she handed her the paper bag.

“Oh, what’s this?” Hope asked. “Take off your coat and I’ll hang it up for you.” Hope reached into the bag as Carrie removed her coat. She pulled out a bottle of cranberry grape juice. “Aw, how thoughtful of you.” Hope smiled. “I got some wine for you,” she laughed.

Hope took Carrie’s coat and hung it on a wooden hanger in the closet. “I’m glad you’re here. I picked up several DVDs after work today. So, we can decide what we want to watch.” She led the way through the living room and into the kitchen. Carrie looked around the large room and up at the high cathedral ceiling. Real stonework covered most of the walls from the counter tops to the base of the natural oak cupboards. A large butcher-block island with a second sink sat in the middle of the room. A round pedestal table with four wooden chairs was off to the side near a double set of sliding glass doors that opened onto a large deck. A blue tablecloth with tiny white flowers covered the table.

“Wow,” Carrie said. “This is a wonderful kitchen. I especially love that.” She pointed to a pot rack hanging over the stove with a collection of polished stainless steel pots and pans. “I thought you said you didn’t cook.”

“I cook a little, very little.” Hope scrunched up her face. “They are kind of just for show. I usually use the same two pans all the time. They are in the cupboard by the stove. I’m really good at take-out though.”

Carrie laughed. “Well, I’ll have to have you over for supper more. Get some home cooking into you.”

“I would like that,” Hope said in a low voice and with a smile.

Carrie loved to see Hope’s smile light up her face. Yes, she thought. I should definitely have this woman over more often.

 Hope put the bag containing the bottle of juice on the counter and retrieved a tall glass from one cupboard and a wine glass from another. “I have red wine and white wine. Which would you prefer?” Carrie looked at her with raised eyebrows. “Yes, I bought two bottles of wine for you so that you could have what you wanted,” she said answering the unasked question.

“Aw, that was so nice of you,” Carrie said. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“I wanted to do something nice for you.” She walked to the refrigerator and took out the bottle of white wine and picked up the bottle of red from the counter. She held them up. “Red or white?” She repeated holding up each bottle in turn.

“I would love a glass of white.”

Hope put the bottle of red wine back on the counter. “White it is then.” She took a strange looking mechanism out of a drawer and handed it to Carrie along with the bottle. “I’ll let you open this.”

Hope took the tall glass and pushed it against the ice dispenser on the refrigerator door. Several half-moon shaped ice cubes clinked into the glass.

Carrie was struggling with the strange wine opener when Hope turned back to her. “You don’t know how to use that do you?” Hope smiled.

Carrie shook her head. “Nope. I’ve never seen anything like this before. I’m assuming that the corkscrew part goes into the cork, but I don’t know how to do that.”

Hope put the glass with the ice in it on the counter. Carrie attempted to hand her the opener. “Oh no,” Hope said. “I’m not going to do it. You get to learn how to do it. Pull those little things that look like rabbit ears apart. Set the corkscrew thing on the top of the bottle and pull down that lever.”

Carrie attempted to do what Hope said, but it still wasn’t working. Hope reached out, her hands covering Carrie’s. Carrie immediately felt warmth and softness. The warmth spread quickly through Carrie’s entire body. It turned to heat as it hit her face. She felt a tingle in her belly and below. The feeling surprised her and her first instinct was to pull her hands away, but she fought the impulse. She didn’t want Hope to know that she felt something from her touch.

Hope moved her hands over Carrie’s hands, showing her how to operate the contraption. The cork slid smoothly out of the bottleneck, with a slight popping sound.

“There you go,” Hope said. “Isn’t that a neat little device?”

Carrie cleared her throat. “It is.” She poured the wine into her glass. Hope did the same with the juice.

Carrie was still thinking about the reaction her body had had to Hope’s touch when they brought their drinks into the living room.

Hope sat on the soft leather couch and patted the spot next to her for Carrie to sit. She had a fresh bowl of popcorn sitting on the coffee table in front of them. “I thought you didn’t cook,” Carrie said, breaking the momentary silence.

“Oh, I cook microwave popcorn. In fact, that is my specialty.” Hope smiled that smile again.

Carrie couldn’t help but smile back. She took a sip of her wine. “Mmm, this is good.”

“I’m glad you like it.” Hope pulled her bare feet up under herself and turned her body to face Carrie better. “So, how was your day?”

“It was fine, mostly paperwork today, so not too exciting. How about you? Did you do anything exciting today?”

“Every day is exciting where I work. I cleaned teeth and then cleaned some more teeth. And oh yeah, did I mention I cleaned teeth?” She took a swallow of her juice. “Actually, this is the most exciting part of my day.”

“Your day must be boring if I’m the highlight,” Carrie smirked at Hope.

“You are the highlight. I really enjoy your company. I mean that.” Hope had a way of making Carrie feel really good about herself.

“Ditto. I really enjoy your company, too. So what movies did you get?”

Hope got up and picked up five DVDs from the large solid wood entertainment center. She handed them to Carrie. “Here you go, take a look. Let me know what looks good.” Carrie put her wine down and shuffled through them. All of them were recent releases except for The Sound of Music.

“Did you have any one of these that you wanted to see?” Carrie asked her.

“No, any of them would be fine with me. Just pick what ever looks good to you.”

Carrie turned one DVD box over and read the back. “This one sounds pretty good.” She placed it on top of the pile and handed them back to Hope.

Carrie continued to drink her wine while Hope started the movie. She turned out the lights before returning to her seat next to Carrie.

Carrie had a hard time concentrating on the movie. Her thoughts returned again and again to the woman sitting on the couch next to her. She turned and looked at Hope several times during the course of the movie. Once, Hope caught her looking and smiled. Carrie smiled back, but didn’t dare another look. Her own thoughts and feelings were beginning to confuse her.

An hour and forty minutes later the credits rolled. The bowl of popcorn was empty as were the glasses that both women had long since abandoned.

Hope turned the forty-two inch television set off and switched on the lamp on the end table next to her. “So what did you think?” she asked Carrie.

 I think you look beautiful in this light, was what came into Carrie’s head. She startled herself with the thought. “It was a good movie,” she said out loud after she composed herself.

“You okay?” Hope asked her.

“Yes, I’m fine. Why are you asking?”

“You just seemed far away for a minute.”

“Sorry. I guess I’m a little tired.” Carrie looked at Hope and the way the light picked up the gold flakes in her eyes.

“I’ll bet you are, with work and visiting your grandmother and being kind enough to teach me to bowl.” Hope reached over and rubbed Carrie’s arm. “I really appreciate that by the way. You made a big difference. I would have been totally embarrassed bowling nothing but gutter balls if it weren’t for you.”

Carrie stopped hearing the words as soon as Hope touched her. She struggled to ignore the electric sensation that was coursing through her arm and to listen to the words Hope was saying. “Yes.” Carrie said, trying to figure out the conversation.

“Yes what?” Hope asked looking a little confused.

“Yes, ma’am?”

“Very funny. Never mind. Just know that I appreciate all the help and time you put into it,” Hope said removing her hand.

Carrie felt the loss of it immediately and fought the urge to reach out for Hope’s hand again.

“Of course. Anything for you.” She still wasn’t sure what they were talking about. “I really should get going. I know you have to work in the morning. I guess I do too.” She stood up.

“I really had a nice time,” she said walking to the door followed by Hope. “Thank you so much for the wine.”

“Well thanks so much for coming and bringing me juice.” Hope handed Carrie her coat. Carrie slipped it on and Hope gave her a tight hug. “I’ll see you Saturday for modeling, right?”

“Yes, for sure. I’m sure we’ll talk before then. Thanks again,” Carrie said as she opened the door to go. She walked to her car and pressed the button on her remote to unlock the doors. She looked up and saw Hope in the doorway watching her. She waved as she got into her car.

Carrie’s thoughts were on Hope and the confusing feelings she was having for her as she drove away.

*****    

Hope brought the empty popcorn bowl and glasses into the kitchen. She put the bowl in the sink and the glasses on the counter. She turned off the lights on her way upstairs to her bedroom.

She undressed slowly and thought about the evening. She really enjoyed spending time with Carrie. She enjoyed the simple times, like tonight, just as she enjoyed the times they shared a meal or a good conversation. Her favorite thing about Carrie was the way they could laugh together, even at the silly things. She loved to laugh and there hadn’t been a lot of people in her life that she had that connection with. But her connection with Carrie was deeper than just that. It was a rare connection that Hope had been missing in her life. She hadn’t had a connection like that since college. College was a long time ago. She didn’t want to think about college, or anything that had happened there. She pushed her thoughts aside as she slipped her nightgown over her head. She wasn’t going to let her thoughts go in that direction. She had pushed all of that to the back of her mind and that was where it was going to stay.

Hope pulled the covers back on her bed and climbed in. She picked up her book from the nightstand and opened it to the page that held her bookmark. She flipped through the pages as she read. She absorbed the words in front of her and kept her own thoughts at bay.

Chapter 14

Carrie arrived at Sunny Side Nursing Home a little earlier than usual. She had been more than a little distracted at work and left an hour early. She walked down the brightly lit hallway to her grandmother’s room.

“Hello, Carrie,” Nurse Marge said when Carrie walked in. “We are just finishing up a sponge bath. The nurse put a towel onto the cart in front of her. “There we go. All set Mrs. Brice.” She patted the old woman’s hand. “I’ll see you later.” She wheeled the cart towards the door.

“Thank you,” Carrie said to her.

“Enjoy your visit.” The nurse left the room. Carrie closed the door before pulling the chair over to the side of her grandmother’s bed. She sat for a long while just looking at her grandmother before she spoke.

“Hi, Gram,” she cleared her throat. “I need to talk to you. Got a little time to listen?” Carrie closed her eyes and rubbed her hand over her face. She opened her eyes and took a deep breath. “Okay, Gram, here’s the deal. I have feelings for someone that …well that I probably shouldn’t be having feelings for. I know if you could answer me your first question would be ‘why, what’s the matter with him?’ Oh Gram, I can just hear you saying that to me.” A tear rolled down Carrie’s face. “This conversation sure would be easier if I didn’t have to carry both ends of it.” She smiled a sad smile at her grandmother.

“There isn’t anything wrong with this person, that’s just it. I think she’s perfect. Did you hear me, Gram? I said she.” Carrie paused as if waiting for an answer. “It’s Hope, Gram. Remember I told you about meeting her at that support group? Well, I knew I liked her, but turns out that the more time I spend with her, the more I realize that it is so much more than like. It confuses the heck out of me, Gram. And I haven’t told her because…well, because it just isn’t the thing you do. You don’t just go around telling another woman that you think you might be in love with them. So I’m not going to tell her. I am just going to feel these feelings for her and love being with her and be the best friend I can be. I want to keep her in my life, and I don’t want to make her uncomfortable or not want to be around me.”

Carrie got up and went to the window. She looked outside. The sun was already starting to go down. I hate daylights savings time, Carrie thought. It gets dark way too early now. She watched the last of the leaves fly through the air and scatter across the ground. She knew that the snow would soon replace the leaves. A chill went through her at the thought.

Without her consent, her mind replaced the barren winter scene in her head with an entirely different scene. She saw herself and Hope walking hand in hand as the snow fell around them and the sun shined bright above. An involuntary smile crossed her face. She shook the thoughts away.

“Gram,” she said, turning back to the sleeping woman. “Gram, what would you say if you could hear me and answer me? Would you tell me it’s wrong to feel this way or would you tell me that it’s okay?”

Carrie once again sat at her grandmother’s side. She reached for the tube of hand lotion on the table and began to smooth it on her grandmother’s skin.

“I just feel so good when I’m with her. You know what I mean? You always told me that Grandpa was your true love. You said you knew you would love him from the first time you saw him. That’s how I feel about Hope. She isn’t like anyone I have ever met before. I get all excited when I know I’m going to be seeing her. If we happen to touch it’s like…well it’s like nothing I’ve felt before.” Carrie picked up her grandmother’s other hand and continued applying the vanilla scented lotion.

“Probably too much information, huh?” Carrie laughed at herself. “Okay, I won’t give you any more details. But, I can’t help feeling what I’m feeling. I just want to be around her all the time.” Carrie worked the lotion in gently. “So, I’m going to be around her and that’s it. I just have to ignore all these feelings I’m having. I think I can do it. She doesn’t have to know what’s going on in my head.” Carrie gently placed her grandmother’s hand back on the bed and pulled the blankets up a little more.

“I’ve thought about not hanging out with her any more. You know, just putting some distance between us. But, I can’t do that. I can’t stop seeing her. I want her in my life. So, that’s that. She’s in my life and she’s my friend. That has to be enough for me. I’m not sure where all these feelings are coming from. This isn’t like me, Gram. I don’t have feelings for women like this. Of course if I really think about it, I never had any strong feelings for men.”  Carrie put her head in her hands. “Shit. What am I going to do with all these feelings?”

Chapter 15

Carrie answered the phone on the second ring. “Hi, Hope,” she said. She had just gotten home from work.

“Hi. How are you doing today?” Hope asked her.

“I’m doing okay, and you?”

“Fine. I was wondering if it would be okay if we changed the schedule for tomorrow a little. Would it be all right if I came over at about one o’clock to model, instead of at eleven? I can stay as late as you want me to.”

How about staying all night? Carrie thought. Oh my God, what is wrong with me? Stop it! “Sure, that would be fine. What’s up?” she said instead.

“My sister asked me to watch her twins tomorrow morning for a little while. I’m still trying to figure out what to do to entertain them. They’re seven and I don’t have any of Derrick’s old toys or anything any more. I would let them play his video games but my sister would kill me for exposing them to violence. He doesn’t have any nice peaceful games.”

“Why don’t you take them sledding at Harris Park? It should be great there with all the snow we got last night. They have great hills and it’s supposed to be a nice sunny day tomorrow.”

“Hmm, that’s a good idea. Could I possibly interest you in joining us? I hear it’s supposed to be a nice sunny day tomorrow.”

“Yeah, you just heard that from me,” Carrie laughed.

“Oh yeah, that’s where I heard it,” Hope chuckled. “So, what do you think? Could you stand being with me and two little boys for a few hours?”

“I think I can stand being around the boys, it’s you I’m wondering about.”

“Ha, ha. Very funny.”

“Sure, I’ll go with you. What time do you think you would be going?”

“Great! How about I pick you up at nine-thirty and then we can go pick up the boys. I’ll double check with Marcy to make sure they have a sled, and that it’s something that they would like to do.”

“Okay, let me know for sure if that’s the plan. I’ll start looking for my boots. I haven’t worn them since last winter.”

“You got it. I’ll call you later tonight and let you know for sure. Thanks, Carrie.”

“Anytime. Talk to you later. Bye.”

“Bye,” Hope said softly. The word was spoken barely above a whisper. For some reason it affected Carrie and shot a rush through her, causing her skin to feel warm. Carrie wasn’t sure if she should enjoy the feelings that Hope stirred in her or push them away. The only thing she knew for sure is that she had never felt like this about anyone before.

*****    

Carrie was dressed warmly in her thickest winter jacket, scarf, gloves and boots when Hope picked her up the next day. It was bright and sunny, just as the weatherman had predicted. They chatted away as Hope drove to her sister’s house.

“I really appreciate your coming with us today,” Hope told her.

“I’m very glad you asked me.” Carrie smiled at her.

“I’ll be right back,” Hope said, as she put the car in park in front of her sister’s house.  “The boys are suppose to be ready so this should be quick.”

As promised, Hope was back with her nephews in a matter of minutes. Hope introduced the boys to Carrie. They were excited to have her along. The four of them headed to Harris Park, two brightly colored sleds tucked into the trunk.

They walked carefully across the slick snow from the car to the hill, just a few yards from the parking lot. The snow crunched under their feet. A thin layer of ice covered the deep snow. The boys dragged their sleds behind them. There wasn’t anyone else on the hill yet, although Hope was sure that it would soon be full of sledding children.

Hope helped her nephew, Richie, onto his sled. Richie had his mother’s light brown eyes and his father’s dark blond hair, which was now covered by a bright green knit hat. A matching scarf was wrapped around his neck and tucked into the front of his blue snowsuit. Rubber boots with zippers up the side, protected his feet. Hope was about to give him a push down the hill when he called out for his brother. “We want to go down together,” he told his aunt.

“Okay,” she said. She held the back of the long orange hard plastic sled while Mark climbed on. Mark’s looks were very different from his brother’s, making it obvious that they weren’t identical twins. He had brown eyes like his brother, but they were much darker as were his hair and thick eyelashes. His hair had a slight curl to it, whereas Richie’s was straight as a pin. They wore matching snowsuits and boots, but his hat and scarf were bright red. Mark clung tightly to his brother’s back and Hope pushed the sled sending them sliding down the hill. The boys laughed and giggled as they flew over the packed snow to the bottom, two hundred feet away. Hope and Carrie cheered them on.

Both boys jumped off the sled once they reached the bottom and the sled stopped moving. Mark grabbed the rope tied to the front of the sled and started up the hill. He had only taken about ten steps when he slipped and fell. He lost his grip on the rope and the sled slid back down the hill. The women watched as he immediately got back up on his feet and went to retrieve the sled.

Richie laughed as his brother picked up the rope and once again started up the hill, only to slip again. “Watch me,” Richie said to him as he grabbed the rope. “Do it like this.” He started up the hill, stomping his feet hard into the snow. He got a little farther than his brother had when his feet went out from under him, and he and his sled went sliding down. Both boys were laughing hysterically.

“Try coming up slower,” Hope called down to her nephews.

They both tried again, Mark pulling the sled behind him. Both boys ended up falling and sliding down the hill again.

Hope looked at Carrie and they both broke out laughing.

“Try it one more time,” Carrie yelled. They tried again with the same results.

“We can’t do it,” Mark yelled. “We need help.”

“What should we do?” Carrie asked Hope.

Hope shrugged her shoulders. She noticed the other sled lying on the snow behind Carrie. “Should we go down and get them?” she asked Carrie pointing at the sled.

“What?” Carrie asked.

“Should we get on that sled and slide it down there and help them up?”

“I haven’t been on a sled in twenty years,” Carrie said.

“Me either, but I don’t feel like trying to walk down there and end up sliding down on my ass, so I’m thinking that sledding down would be a better idea. Are you game?” she smiled. Carrie could see a bit of child like abandon in the smile.

“Sure,” Carrie laughed. “Why not.” She pulled the sled over and positioned it so it faced down the hill.

“Move over to the side,” Hope called to the twins and she waved her arm over to the right.

The boys half walked and half crawled over to the side and out of the way.

Hope sat down on the front of the long sled and held onto the rope. She scooted her butt as far forward as she could go, her legs folded underneath her. She turned and looked at Carrie and patted the space behind her.

“Are you sure about this?” Carrie asked laughing.

“Of course, I’m not. Come on, let’s go for a wild ride.” Hope patted the spot behind her again.  Carrie sat down. It was a tight fit and she put her legs around Hope and wrapped her arms around Hope’s waist.

“This is crazy,” Carrie said. She felt both elated and scared as she hung on to Hope. She wasn’t afraid of going down the hill or getting hurt. She was scared of being so close to Hope.

Hope used her hands to move them forward over the snow until the sled started to move on its own down the hill. The slick ice covered snow and the weight of the women on the sled caused it to move at a rapid rate. They flew by the boys and continued another twenty feet farther down the hill. Without warning they hit a bump and both women went flying into the air. The sled flew out from under them, and they ended up in a heap with Carrie on top of Hope.

They looked at each other and laughed. “Are you all right?” Hope asked looking up at Carrie.

Carrie resisted the urge to lean down and kiss her. They were so close. Carrie could feel Hope’s breath on her face. She felt Hope’s body under hers. All she could do was nod.

The boys came running over to them, slipping and sliding on the way. Carrie turned her head to look up into their surprised, little faces. She suddenly realized she was still lying on top of Hope. There was no graceful way of moving off of her. She rolled sideways until she was lying flat on her back on the snow.

Hope sat up. “Are you sure you’re all right?” she asked Carrie again.

“Yep,” Carrie said, still on her back. “Are you?” She dared a look at Hope.

“I think so,” she looked at her nephews. “I guess the snow is pretty slippery, huh?” They giggled at her. Both boys grabbed one of Carrie’s hands and pulled her into a sitting position.

Once the women were on their feet they started slowly and carefully up the hill. Both held the hand of a twin and dragged a sled behind them.

“We want to go down again,” Mark yelled when they got to the top.

“I don’t think that is a good idea,” Hope told him. “But I do have another idea. I think we should all go to the Duchess Diner and have a nice cup of hot chocolate with lots and lots of whipped cream on top. What would you think about that?”

“Yeah!” both boys said.

“Yeah!” Carrie repeated. They continued their slippery trek to the car and headed down the road to the diner.    

*****

Carrie put the cup of tea for Hope on the coffee table and sat on the couch. She sipped from her own cup while she waited for Hope to put her clothes back on and come out of the art room.

Carrie was very pleased with the way the painting was coming out. She thought that it could easily be completed with one more modeling session. Hope turned out to be a wonderful model. She had no trouble sitting still and she certainly was beautiful. Her beauty inspired Carrie to be a better artist. Her beauty seemed to be inspiring other feeling in Carrie, too, but Carrie pushed those thoughts from her mind.

Hope emerged from the hallway into the living room, fully dressed, but holding her shoes in her hand. She set the shoes on the floor as she sat on the couch next to Carrie.

“Thanks,” she said, picking up her cup of tea and taking a sip.    

“You’re fast,” Carrie said to Hope.

“Well, don’t let it get around, it will ruin my reputation.” Hope smiled.

“You’re so funny,” Carrie said laughing. “How come you’re so funny?” Carrie’s wide smile relaxed into a grin.

“Insecurity.”

“What? Seriously?” Carrie asked.

“Yes, I think I discovered young that I could win people over with humor. I felt like people would like me if I could make them laugh.”

“You make me laugh all the time. Are you insecure with me?”

“No.” Hope hesitated. “Actually I feel very secure when I’m with you.”

“Then how come you are always making me laugh?”

Hope thought about it for a moment before answering. “Because I love the sound of your laugh, and I love your smile.”

Carrie blushed and sipped her tea. “So, how is Derrick doing? He should be home for Thanksgiving soon, shouldn’t he?” Carrie asked her.

“He’s doing fine. I talked to him yesterday. He’ll be home on Monday. He’s bringing Erin with him, so I guess they are still together.” Hope hesitated. “This is the first major holiday since his father died. I am not sure how he is going to handle it. He had a really hard time when Tom died.”

“I’m sure it will hard on both of you.”

“I’ll be okay. It’s just hard watching my son go through it. This might sound terrible, but since my husband died I finally feel like I can breathe. He was sick for so long and I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath. I felt like I was waiting for him to die.”

“No, it doesn’t sound terrible. I know exactly what you are saying.” Carrie gave her a reassuring look.

“I was married to the man for a long time and I shouldn’t have been with him at all.”

“So, do you feel like all those years you were wasting your life?” Carrie asked quietly.

“No, I felt like I was wasting his life.”

“What do you mean?”

“The first few years of our marriage were tough, especially financially. Tom was still going to school and working part time. I was a new mother and I was working part time, but when I wasn’t working I was home with this baby that I adored. Being a parent is such a tough job, but Derrick was such a good baby and a good kid.” She took a deep breath and continued. “Tom got a great job as soon as he graduated. He was a good husband and a great father. He was home with us after work, he was there for little league games and school plays. He remembered birthdays and anniversaries.”

“Then why are you saying you wasted his life?” Carrie asked.

“Because a good man like that deserved a wife that loved him. I couldn’t do that for him. I couldn’t love him,” Hope’s sighed at the old memories and at the relief that she felt in finally letting them out. She had kept it inside for so long that she felt like a weight was lifted from her soul as she released it.

“I raised his son, I sat across from him at dinner, I let him make love to me, but I couldn’t love him. Believe me, I tried.” She brushed away the tears that began to escape from her eyes.

“Oh, Hope,” Carrie said. She pulled several tissues from the box on the table beside her and used one to gently wipe the tears from Hope’s cheek. She handed the rest of the tissues to Hope. “I know there is nothing that I can say to make you feel any better about this, but I think you are an extraordinary person. I think Tom was very lucky to have you.”

“I shouldn’t have been with Tom in the first place. I went to him out of fear, not out of love. That wasn’t fair to him.”

“Was it horrible for you? Having to pretend like that? Having him make love to you when you didn’t feel it?” Carrie asked, the concern showing in her voice.

“It wasn’t horrible. But it wasn’t good either. It was sort of like getting vanilla all the time when all you really wanted was chocolate.” Hope laughed through the tears. “Leave it to me to make an analogy using food.”

Carrie wrapped her arms around Hope. She wanted nothing more than to comfort this woman. To help her let go of the guilt and regret. She pulled Hope in close. She could feel Hope’s tears as she pressed her cheek against Hope’s cheek. She could feel Hope’s heart beating in her chest and Hope’s breath, warm on her neck.

Before she knew what she was doing, Carrie tilted her head and brought her lips to Hope’s mouth. She kissed her tenderly at first and then with more urgency as she felt Hope respond to her.

Hope’s tongue entered her mouth and searched out her own. Carrie’s body trembled with the electricity that coursed through her. She had never felt such excitement from a kiss. Her hands traveled up Hope’s back and into her hair. Carrie pushed her body forward into Hope and felt their breasts press together.

Hope pulled back suddenly, an unmistakable look of fear on her face. “I need to stop,” she said, breathlessly. “I need to stop.” She struggled out of Carrie’s embrace.

“Oh my God, Hope.” Carrie had trouble speaking. Her breath came in gasps. “I am so sorry. That was so inappropriate of me. I am so sorry.”

Hope stood up. “I need to go.” She slipped her feet into her shoes without looking at Carrie.

“Please don’t go, Hope,” Carrie tried to keep her voice even. She felt tears start to well up in her eyes. “Please don’t go,” she repeated. “I just…I’m sorry. I just care about you and…” The words of explanation weren’t coming. She wanted to explain but realized that she couldn’t adequately voice it without telling Hope her true feelings. She was so afraid of scaring Hope away. She didn’t want to lose her friend. She thought she had done just that with her stupid thoughtless behavior.

“I just need to go.” Hope walked to the door, stopping just long enough to get her coat. Carrie followed close behind her, stammering her apologies. Hope left without looking back, closing the door behind her.

Carrie stared at the door. She couldn’t believe what had just happened. She had let her feelings come to the surface, and she had offended or scared Hope. Probably both. She reached out and grabbed the doorknob considering whether to open it and call out to Hope or not. Beg her to come back so she could explain. But she knew she couldn’t explain away her feelings. She thought it would only send Hope farther away.

She released the knob and turned her back to the door. She leaned against it as the tears began to flow freely. She slid slowly down the door until she was sitting on the floor sobbing. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Why did I do that? Why couldn’t I just love her and hide my feelings from her? Now I’ve lost her. I’ve lost her.     

*****

Hope started her car and backed it out of Carrie’s driveway. I can’t go through this again. She thought. She put the car in drive and pulled out onto the street. She drove without any awareness of where she was going. She just knew she needed to get away. She couldn’t be in the same space as Carrie. She knew it was dangerous. Her body had reacted to Carrie’s kiss. She couldn’t let that happen. She couldn’t let anything happen with Carrie like it had with Maria so many years ago.

Maria had been a mistake. Maria was the reason she slept with Tom. The reason she got pregnant with Derrick. The reason she spend nineteen years with a man she didn’t love. And now Carrie was bringing back all of the feelings that she had had with Maria. All of the feelings of…of what…of what? Her brain screamed the question. Of love. She is bringing back all of the feelings of love.

Hope pulled the car over to the side of the road. She loved Carrie. She was running because she loved Carrie, just like she had run all those years ago because she had loved Maria.

Hope thought back to Maria. She hadn’t allowed her mind to go there fully for many years. She met Maria the day she moved into her dorm at college. Maria was tall and thin with long, thick Auburn hair and a quick smile. Her hazel eyes were heavy with thick dark lashes. Maria’s room was across the hall from Hope’s and they shared several classes together. They enjoyed each other’s company and became quick friends.

Hope felt energized and alive when she was with Maria. She looked forward to their classes together. Their friendship spilled over into other aspects of Hope’s life. They studied together, went to parties and movies together, and laughed together. They laughed together a lot.

Maria and Hope often rented movies from the video shop in town and watched them on the small television that Hope had brought from home. It wasn’t unusual for them to watch videos from the comfort of Hope’s bed. It seemed so natural to cuddle together as the movie played.

Hope’s roommate went home most weekends, leaving Hope with the room to herself. Maria often slept over on those weekends. Sometimes in her roommate’s bed and sometimes in Hope’s bed.

One weekend when they were alone watching a movie, Marie leaned over and kissed Hope lightly on the neck as she nuzzled into her. Before she realized what was happening they were kissing. Hands and lips were everywhere. Hope felt more alive than she had ever felt in her life.

Their clothes were discarded on the floor and they made love with urgency and passion. They slept through the night in the comfort of each other’s arms. But when the daylight broke through the window the next morning Hope panicked. Instead of the love she had felt the night before, she felt only fear taking over her mind.

She didn’t want to deal with what it meant to love a woman. She didn’t want to be gay. She didn’t want people to hate her. She didn’t want her parents to know, to be mad at her. She didn’t want any of what it meant to a lesbian. She ran.

She ran right into the arms of Tom. She needed to prove to herself and to the world that she wasn’t a lesbian…that she wasn’t what she didn’t want to be.

She had dated Tom a few times before that day. He was good looking, tall and muscular, with curly dark hair and baby blue eyes. She felt no sparks with him, but when she sought him out on Saturday morning and offered him her body, he took it. Derrick was conceived that day, and her life changed forever.

She had run from Maria that day, just like she was running from Carrie now. She was running because of fear. She was running from love. She loved Carrie and she was running from her.

Her heart was pounding in her chest and her skin was hot. She loved Carrie. She squeezed her eyes shut. She tried to squeeze the feeling away. But it was no use. She couldn’t squeeze Carrie out of her. She couldn’t make the love go away. What was she going to do with this? What was she going to do with her love for Carrie?

What if I stop running? She thought. What if I just love her? Maybe it was time to stop running. Maybe it was time to let love into her life.

She put the car in gear and pulled back onto the road and did a U turn heading back to Carrie’s house. She just hoped she hadn’t totally blown it with Carrie. She hoped Carrie would forgive her for running away.    

*****

Carrie felt like she had cried all the tears from her body. She slowly stood up, using the door for support. She walked to the bathroom and turned on the shower, undressing as the water heated up.

She kicked her clothes off to the side and stepped under the hot spray of water. She willed the water to wash away her pain. The last remnants of her tears were washed down the shower drain.

The sound of the doorbell broke through the rhythmic sound of water hitting the tiled walls. Carrie wasn’t sure she could trust her ears. She turned off the water and listened, standing perfectly still. She squinted her eyes as if that would make her hearing more acute. She heard it again. It was definitely the doorbell.

Hope? No, it’s isn’t Hope. Hope isn’t coming back. You’ll be lucky if you ever see her again. You really messed up with that one. Without further thought Carrie stepped out of the shower. She toweled off her hair quickly and grabbed her white bathrobe from the hook on the back of the bathroom door. The robe soaked up most of the water that still remained on her naked skin. She tied the belt around her waist as she walked to the door.

Carrie reached for the doorknob, hesitating before opening it. She took a deep breath and was startled by the sound of doorbell ringing again, the sound close to her now. She opened the door and looked directly into Hope’s eyes.

Carrie opened her mouth to speak. “Hope, I am so sor…” But her words were cut off by the kiss that Hope crushed into her mouth. Hope wrapped an arm around Carries waist and pulled her in closer with a sharp tug. Carrie melted into the kiss. She felt Hope’s tongue pushing gently at her lips until they parted, letting Hope in. After a minute of having her way with Carrie’s mouth, Hope’s lips traveled down to her neck, kissing and nibbling their way, leaving a hot moist trail. Carrie tilted her head back, giving Hope full access.

Hope slipped her hand into the robe at Carrie’s shoulder and pushed it back, exposing the soft skin of Carrie’s shoulder. She ran her tongue along the dip in the flesh above her collarbone.

Carrie’s body trembled as Hope’s tongue traveled from her throat back up to her lips. Hope pulled back from the kiss. Carrie felt the sudden loss of her lips. She opened her eyes to look at Hope.

“Carrie, I am so sorry for running. Please forgive me and let me explain.”

Carrie wasn’t sure she could speak. Her breath was rapid and her heart threatened to leap out of her chest. She only nodded.

Hope took her hand and led her to the living room. She eased Carrie down on the couch and sat next to her. She brought Carrie’s hand to her lips and kissed it. She held it tight as she looked directly into Carrie’s eyes. Hope brushed away a strand of wet hair from Carrie’s face.

“There is something that I didn’t tell you about myself.” She blinked, trying to keep the tears under control. “It was when I was in college. I fell in love with someone. It wasn’t Tom. It was a woman. We started out as friends and ended up sleeping together one night.” She paused to let Carrie take it all in. Carrie brushed a tear away as it rolled down Hope’s cheek. “I ran, Carrie. I ran then, just like I ran from you tonight. I was so scared. Scared of what it all meant. I went running to Tom and that is how I ended up pregnant. I didn’t love Tom. I didn’t have any real feelings for him at all, but I knew that he liked me and I used him to prove to myself that I wasn’t gay.”

“Go on,” Carried prompted her.

“Fear is a great motivator. It motivated me into Tom’s bed, into motherhood and into marriage. I put all of that fear and all of the feelings I had for Maria out of my mind as if they didn’t exist.” Hope swallowed and closed her eyes as the memories and emotions flooded over her. “When you kissed me, it brought all of those feelings back.”

“I am so sorry, Hope. I had no idea. I didn’t mean to do anything that would be painful for you. I…I…I just feel, well, I feel so…” Carrie was struggling with the words.

“Don’t apologize Carrie. I’m feeling it, too. You were just brave enough to act on it. I was the coward that ran. But Carrie, I’m not running any more. So if you still want me, I’m here. I’m here and not going anywhere. So, what do you think? Any chance you still want me?”

“Oh my God, yes.” Carrie pulled her in and hugged her tightly, almost afraid to let go. Hope pulled back enough to look into Carrie’s eyes.

“So, where do we go from here?” Hope searched Carrie’s face for the answer. She didn’t have to wait long.

Carrie whispered in a husky voice. “To my bedroom.” Without another word she stood and put her hand out for Hope. Hope took Carrie’s hand and allowed her to lead the way to her room.

Carrie turned to Hope and pulled her into a kiss. Without losing contact, Hope untied the belt around Carrie’s waist. She slipped her hands into the robe and touched soft skin. Hope let out a groan at the feeling beneath her fingers. Carrie felt a surge of moisture from the touch.

Hope stepped back and let her eyes sweep down Carrie’s body. A single word escaped Hope’s mouth at the sight. “Beautiful,” she said. She slowly unbuttoned her own shirt and let it fall to the floor. Her bra quickly followed.

She stepped back into Carrie’s waiting arms. Naked breasts fell on naked breasts. Carrie felt Hope’s nipples harden as they pressed against her own.

Carrie struggled to pull the snap open on Hope’s jeans. She reached for the zipper as soon as the snap relented. Hope kicked out of her shoes.

Carrie pulled the zipper down slowly and let her fingers slip inside the gaping denim. Her fingers ran over the silky material of Hope’s panties. Hope let out a small gasp as Carrie’s fingers touched her. Carrie could feel the moisture though the cloth.

Hope pushed her pants down, taking her panties with them. They hung at her ankles for a moment before she stepped out of them.

The only thing that stood in way of the two women being totally naked was the opened robe. Hope slipped her hands in between the fluffy material and Carrie’s shoulders. She pushed the robe off Carrie. It joined the rest of the discarded clothes on the floor.

Hope’s brown eyes stared into Carrie’s green eyes as she eased Carrie backwards towards the bed. Carrie sat down on the edge of the bed and pulled her legs up bringing her body completely on the bed. Her eyes never left Hope’s as Hope leaned over her until Hope’s lips touched hers. Both women closed their eyes as lips met and tongues collided.

Carrie laid back and pulled Hope down on top of her. Carrie’s body trembled with hot desire. Her arms reached around Hope and her hands settled on Hope’s rear, squeezing the flesh and pulling her in closer as Carrie spread her legs allowing Hope to settle in between them.

Hope slowed her kissing. “I don’t want to rush this,” she whispered. “I want to savor making love to you.” Her hands were in Carrie’s hair, her fingers running through the long blond locks.

Carrie wrapped her legs around Hope’s, forcing them to open wider creating more contact between Hope’s wetness and her own. She rocked her pelvis against Hope. Causing Hope let out a low groan. Carrie’s kiss caught the sound before it escaped into the air.

Hope’s lips left Carrie’s mouth and traveled to her ear. She licked the edge of Carrie’s ear before sucking an earlobe into her mouth.

Carrie’s breath was coming in ragged gasps as Hope’s pelvic movements began to match her own. Carrie’s fingers dug into the flesh on Hope’s backside as she held on tightly.

Hope’s mouth released Carrie’s earlobe, and her tongue traced a wet trail down her neck. She pushed herself up on her elbows creating space between their bodies so her mouth could work it’s way farther down. She rolled off Carrie to gain better access to Carrie’s breasts with her mouth. She ran her tongue across one breast and back again stopping to suck a hardened nipple into her mouth.

Carrie’s heels dug in the mattress as Hope’s fingers ran through her slick wetness and entered her.

“I love how wet you are,” Hope whispered. Her fingers moved rhythmically as Carrie’s hips rose to meet them. Hope’s mouth once again went to Carrie’s erect nipples. She tugged gently with her teeth and then let her tongue go to work. Her fingers kept a steady rhythm in Carrie’s wet center. Carrie felt her body heat rise higher as her breath quickened and held completely as an orgasm ripped through her.

Hope slowed her movement as she felt Carrie’s body react and tighten around her fingers. Hope’s mouth continued to bath Carrie’s nipples with her tongue. Carrie’s arms were around Hope, holding on tight as if she was trying to keep from rising off the bed.

Hope removed her hand slowly as Carrie’s body came down from the crest. Carrie lifted Hope’s head from her breast and brought it up to her face. She kissed her passionately, plunging her tongue into Hope’s mouth.

“Wow,” was all Carrie could say as she pulled her mouth from Hope’s.

“Wow,” Hope repeated. She wrapped her arms around Carrie and held her tight.

Carrie’s breathing and heartbeat slowly returned to normal. She lay quiet in the comfort of Hope’s arms for several minutes. Hope gently raked the back of her fingernails across Carrie’s stomach and chest.

Slowly Carrie began planting small kisses on Hope’s neck. Her hands began to wander over Hope’s body. She stroked her breast and ran her hand over Hope’s nipple, feeling it harden beneath her palm. She sucked lightly on Hope’s shoulder, as her hand found it’s way downward, rubbing over the dark patch of hair. Hope sucked in a sudden breath at the touch.

Carrie’s fingers slipped through the wet folds, causing Hope’s body to shudder. Carrie stopped moving her hand and whispered to Hope. “Are you okay? Is this all right?”

Hope had trouble speaking. “Oh my God, yes. This is perfect. You are perfect.”

Carried once again began the strokes, increasing the pressure as Hope’s body reacted to her touch. Her mouth found Hope’s mouth again, swallowing up the small sounds of pleasure escaping Hope’s throat.

Hope arched her back as she found her release in Carrie’s arms, letting out a small cry.

Carrie held her tight until Hope’s body relaxed and they settled into each other.

Carrie was drifting off to sleep in the afterglow of love when she heard Hope whisper in her ear. “You are my chocolate.” Carrie smiled in the dark and planted a soft kiss on Hope’s lips.

They fell asleep in each other’s arms and stayed that way until the morning light.

Chapter 16

“Good morning,” Carrie said as Hope opened her eyes to see Carrie watching her. “How are you doing? Are you okay?”

Hope pulled Carrie into a deep kiss. “What does that tell you?” she asked.

“I am thinking that you are doing okay.” Carrie kissed Hope on the nose.

“And how about you? How are you doing?”

“Mmm, wonderful,” Carrie answered.

“Can I ask you a personal question, Carrie?”

“You can ask me anything.” Carrie waited patiently while Hope thought of the right way to ask.

“Have you ever done this before? I mean been with…made love with a woman before?” The question was barely above a whisper.

“I have never been with a woman before and to tell you the truth I am not sure I ever really made love before last night.” She hesitated before continuing. “I’ve had plenty of sex in my life. But last night was so different for me. Being with you was so different for me.” She looked into Hope’s eyes trying to read her thoughts.

Hope pushed a small lock of blond hair out of Carrie’s face and tucked it behind her ear. She held Carrie’s face between her hands and kissed her again. “It was very special for me too, Carrie. I care about you so much.” She kissed Carrie with passion as her hands released Carrie’s face and began to explore Carrie’s body.

Hope was amazed at how her own body reacted as she touched her new lover. The feel of Carrie’s breast, the soft flesh and the hard nipple caused a surge of moisture. “Just touching you is making me wet,” she told her.

“Ooh, let me see.” Carrie reached down between Hope’s legs. “Oh my God, you’re right. Keep touching me and let’s see just how wet you can get. I’ll keep checking on your progress.” Carrie’s fingers began moving over Hope’s swollen flesh.

Hope made moaning sounds from deep in her throat.

“I think I need to check this out closer,” Carrie said in a husky voice. “What do you think Hope, should I go down and check it out a little closer?” Her fingers continued to move against Hope.

Hope voice broke as she attempted to answer. She finally managed to squeak out a “yes”.

Carrie wasted no time in moving down Hope’s body, planting wet kisses along the way. Goose bumps erupted as her tongue circled around Hope’s belly button. Carrie’s kisses skipped over the place her fingers had found earlier. She picked Hope’s legs up slightly off the bed and planted kisses on her inner thighs. Hope’s legs began to tremble as Carrie continued to tease her.

Carrie’s hands ran over the smooth skin of Hope’s hips and down her outer thighs. Her mouth was inches from Hope’s sweet spot, and she let out a hot breath followed by a quick flick of her tongue, causing Hope to moan. Hope reached down and put her hands on Carrie’s head trying to gently push her down, but Carrie wasn’t done with her teasing. She gently licked the inside of Hope’s thigh, moving farther away from the spot Hope so desperately tried to direct her to.

Without warning Carrie moved forward and plunged her tongue into Hope’s wet folds. Hope let out a cry of pleasure. Her fingers pulled through Carrie’s blond hair.

Hips rose to meet lips and tongue. The two women’s bodies became one and moved in unison. Carrie’s hands slipped under Hope’s butt when Hope’s hips rose up. Carrie held tight and pulled Hope in closer to her face and held her there as her tongue continued to do its work.

Hope’s moaning increased as she neared her peak. She held tight onto Carrie’s head as she felt herself go over the edge of the wave. Carrie increased the movements from her tongue momentarily and then stilled her mouth but maintained the pressure until she felt Hope begin to relax and the fingers in her hair let loose.

Carrie eased her body up Hope’s body until she was on top of her and they were face to face. Hope’s eyes looked heavy as she opened them to peer at Carrie.

Carrie had an ear-to-ear grin on her face. “Well, I checked it out and I think you were right. I think touching my body made you wet. Very wet.”

Hope’s breathing was beginning to return to normal. “Yeah, that’s kind of what I thought was happening. Thanks for checking it out. Would you like me to check you out to see if anything similar happens?”

Carrie raised her eyes to the ceiling. “Hmm, that might be a good idea. I’ll touch you and you can see how my body reacts.” She brought her eyes back to Hope’s and began to move her fingers down Hope’s body again. Hope grabbed her hand, stopping its progress.

“Um, I don’t think I can take any more touching at the moment. At least not there.”

Carrie’s hand began moving back up Hope’s body. Her fingers wrapped around the firm flesh of one breast. Her thumb raked over the nipple. “How about if I just touch you here then?”

“Yes, I think that will work just fine.”

Hope’s mouth found Carrie’s, as her fingers moved down Carrie’s body. Sure enough when her fingers weaved through the tangle of blond hair between Carrie’s thighs she found a pool of moisture. “It seems that the same thing happens to you, baby.” Hope whispered. “The more I check to see how wet you are, the wetter you get.” Hope moved around for better positioning and continued to check in various ways until Carrie bucked her hips and a small scream escaped her mouth.

Later, the two friends, now lovers, lay wrapped in each other’s arms. Hope couldn’t believe the wonderful sensation that she felt just from holding Carrie’s naked body next to her own.

“Hope?” Carrie asked.

“Yes, honey”

“What ever happened to Maria…after you left her?”

“I did the worse thing I could have done. I got up in the morning and I left without a word. Maria had no idea where I had taken off to. I waited hours before I returned, I knew she would be gone by the time I got back to the room and she was. I boxed up anything in the room that belonged to her. She practically lived with me so there was a lot of stuff. I put the box outside of her door and left for three days. I transferred out of the classes that we shared. I eliminated all traces of her from my life.”

“She didn’t try to get in touch with you? She just let you go?” Carrie asked.

“She tried, but I never responded to her phone calls or letters. I left school after a few weeks and never saw her again.”

“I wouldn’t have been able to handle that. If you left this morning and wouldn’t let me even talk to you I think I would go crazy.

“I’m not going anywhere, Carrie.” She kissed her lightly on the mouth.

“Have you ever thought about trying to find her? To explain.”

“You have to understand that I pushed it so far back in the closet that it couldn’t breathe, let alone get out. I tried not to think about it at all. I know I was unfair to her. I know I broke her heart. I don’t think she would want me finding her now.”

“Don’t you have any desire to find her and explain why you ran?  Are you afraid that you would still have feelings for her?

“No, it’s not that. I just feel like such a jerk for letting it happen. How do you make someone understand an unspeakable fear? It took me over nineteen years to face it and to be able to tell you about it, Carrie.”

“I think those are the things you need to tell her. You need to tell her how you felt and that it wasn’t her fault. She deserves that Hope.”

“You’re probably right. I do owe her that much. I’m not sure how I would even go about finding her. Is it all right if I don’t think about that now?  I just want to think about you, about us.”

“Yes, that is a great thing to think about,” Carrie said, “Want to make me breakfast while you’re thinking?” Carrie grinned at Hope.

“I thought you were the great cook in this family.”

“Oh, I like that…family,” Carrie said.

“Okay, I guess I can make my family breakfast. Do you want Cheerios or Rice Krispies?” Hope began to slip out of bed. She stopped and turned back to Carrie. “You go take a shower and wash some of my loving off of you and I’ll make breakfast.” She kissed Carrie on the cheek.

“How come you aren’t taking a shower with me,” Carrie whined.

“One of us has to make breakfast, and I love you enough to keep your juices with me all day.”

“What did you just say?” Carrie asked.

‘I said I was keeping your juices with me.” Hope repeated. “But don’t worry, I’ll wash my hands,” she smirked.

“No, no, no. The other part, the ‘I love you enough’ part.”

“Oh, that part,” Hope said as little embarrassed. “Well the truth of the matter is that I love you. You might as well know it now.

“That’s a big step, telling someone that you love them. You don’t get to take those words back”

“I wasn’t planning on taking them back.”

“Then I don’t want mine back either.” Carrie said firmly.

“Your what?” Hope said, looking a little confused.

"The part where I tell you that I love you and have for a while now. I was just afraid to tell you. I thought you would go running”

“And I almost did. I’m sorry about that.”

“I know, and I am so glad you came back.” Carrie sat up in the bed and swung her feet over the side. “Are you sure you won’t take a shower with me?” she asked Hope. She went around the other side of the bed and pulled Hope up and into a hug.

“I’ll think about it,” Hope said. Carrie pulled her closer and kissed her with more passion. “All right. I thought about it. I’ll take a shower with you.” 

Carrie led the way to the bathroom pulling Hope by the hand. It was a long while before they started breakfast.

Chapter 17

It had been a week since they had become lovers. Hope had never been happier in her life. They had spent several nights together at one house or the other. This morning they were waking up in Hope’s bed.

“Mmm, morning,” Carrie said as she nuzzled into Hope’s neck.

Hope wrapped her arms around the other woman. “Morning, honey.” Hope savored the feeling of Carrie’s naked body pressed against her and Carrie’s hand gently stroking her back.

“What would you like to do today? Anything special?” Carrie asked.

“Hmm, well, after you make mad passionate love to me, I think we should read the Sunday paper, and see if there are any good sales. I’m thinking Christmas presents here. Or maybe we can take in a movie if any of them look good.”

“I was thinking that I would slip out for a little while later today and visit Gram.”

“Would you like me to go with you?” Hope asked her.

“I appreciate that, but no. If Gram was herself, up and awake and all, then, yes, I would love for you to meet her. I know she would love you. But I would rather have you know my grandmother from my stories and memories and not by the old lady sleeping in the bed. Does that make sense? Do you understand why I say that?” Carrie looked into Hopes amber brown eyes.

“That’s fine, baby. I just wanted to be there to support you, but I understand.” Hope kissed Carrie’s nose.

“I love you, ya know.”

“I kind of figured that you did. And I’m very glad, because I would hate to think that I was in love alone.” Hope pulled Carrie into a kiss and rolled on top of her, their lips in constant contact and motion.

A light knock on the bedroom door startled the two women. They looked up just as Derrick knocked again and walked in with out waiting for an answer. His eyes opened wide and his jaw went slack.

“Holy shit! Holy fucking shit!” He backed out of the room before the words were even out of his mouth.

“Derrick,” his mother called after him. “Derrick, go downstairs. I’ll be down in a minute.”

“I’m assuming that was Derrick.” Carrie said looking up at Hope who was still on top of her.

“Yeah, and he’s home for vacation a day early.”  Hope rolled off Carrie and sat on the side of the bed, reaching for her robe on the foot of the bed. “What am I going to tell him?”

“I know I’m not a mother, but I think you should tell him the truth. I’m going to get dressed and leave the two of you alone.” Carrie gathered her clothes from where they had landed in haste the night before, and began to put them on. She went into the bathroom to finish getting ready. Hope was dressed by the time Carrie emerged.

“At least let me introduce you. I don’t want it to look like you are sneaking out. We have nothing to be ashamed of here.” She hesitated. “I’m just not sure what words to use to explain this.”

Carrie gave Hope a quick squeeze. “It will come to you, honey. It will be fine. Let’s go do this.” She took Hope’s hand and led her out of the room and downstairs. They dropped hands as they approached the bottom steps.

Derrick was sitting on the couch, tapping his foot rapidly on the floor with his sneaker. He looked up as the two women approached.

“Derrick this is my friend, Carrie.” Hope inwardly cringed at the word friend. The word wasn’t nearly accurate enough. “Carrie, this is my son Derrick.”

“Nice to meet you, Derrick.” Carrie held out her hand.

“Whatever,” Derrick said, ignoring the offered hand.

“Derrick,” his mother let her annoyance show.

Hope picked Carrie’s coat up from the overstuffed chair where she had tossed it the evening before and handed it to her. She was glad that the only piece of clothing that had been left around was the coat. There were nights when the living room floor was strewn with clothes that were discarded by Carrie and Hope in their rush to get to the bedroom.

“Call me later,” Carrie she said to Hope. Hope only nodded. Carrie went out the front door, closing it behind her.

Hope sat down across from her son. “I think we need to talk about what’s happening here. ” Hope’s voice was quiet and gentle.

“I think I can figure that one out,” Derrick said, his words filled with rancor.

“Derrick, listen to me, please. Let me explain.” She waited for his response, but he only shook his head and rolled his eyes.

 She ignored it and went on. “I met Carrie a few of months ago and we became friends. We spent a lot of time together. We had dinners together and went to the movies and she even taught me to bowl. We didn’t plan it and we didn’t expect it but we fell in love.”

Derrick made a noise of disgust in the back of his throat.

“We fell in love.” Hope repeated a little louder.

Derrick stood up. “How could you be in love with her Mom? You’re not a lesbian. And since when do you hang out with lesbians?”

“Stop Derrick. I love her and she loves me. So if that makes us lesbians, then I guess that’s what we are.”

“But you can’t be a lesbian.” Derrick sat down suddenly on the couch and rocked back and forth as if in pain. “Because if you’re a lesbian, then everything you had with Dad was a lie.” Derrick was shaking with emotion. He looked at his mother. “A big fat lie.”

Hope stood up. “No. I had you with father and you are not a lie. We were a family. I can’t explain it because I’m not sure I understand it myself, but I want to be with Carrie. She makes me happy.”

“But you were married to Dad for a long time. He’s a man and now you want to be with a woman? What happened to the rules?”

“What rules? There are no rules in this. There are no rules in love.” Hope ran her hand through her dark hair that was still ruffled from sleeping. “Derrick, I would really like you to understand this and accept it.”

“I don’t want to accept this. I don’t want you to do this. You were in Dad’s bed with her. He’s been dead less than a year and you were in Dad’s bed.” He spit the words out at his mother.

“He was sick for three years. Three years.” She said a little louder than she intended. “It’s not his bed, Derrick. It’s my bed. I have a right to have whoever I want in that bed. I think I put my life on hold long enough. I have a right to live and a right to love someone.”

“I can’t take this right now. This is just too much at once. I gotta go.”

Hope stepped in front of her son to keep him from leaving. “Where are you going?”

He hesitated as he decided whether to answer her on not. Finally he said. “Starbucks. I’m meeting Erin there in a little while.”

“Are you coming back here?” Hope needed to know.

“I don’t know. I just need time, Mom. You just kind of dumped this all on me at once, ya know, and it sucks. It just sucks.” Derrick stepped around his mother and headed for the door without another word.

Hope stared after him. This wasn’t the way she intended to tell Derrick about Carrie. She sank down into the chair and shook her head. She knew she needed to give him time. She reached for the phone and called Carrie.

*****  

It was nighttime before Derrick came back home. Hope was sitting in a chair in the living room trying to concentrate on reading a book when he came in, followed by Erin.

“Hi,” Hope said, looking up from her book.

“Hi,” Erin said to her. She bumped her shoulder into Derrick.

He looked at her before turning to his mother. “Hi,” he said in a quiet voice.

Hope put her book down on the end table. “I’m glad you came back,” she said to her son. “Are you guys hungry? Can I get you something to eat?” She rose out of her chair.

“No, thanks,” Erin told her. “We ate a little while ago.” She sat on the couch and pulled Derrick’s hand until he sat down next to her.

Hope sat back down. She wasn’t sure what to say. Should she try to explain further? Should she ignore the situation and just make small talk? She looked over at her son for a clue. His foot tapped out a nervous rhythm on the floor, his eyes averted.

Erin broke the silence. “I know this is none of my business, but Derrick told me what happened. I really think the two of you need to talk about this. I’m going to go upstairs to leave you alone.” She began to get up but Derrick stopped her.

“I want you to stay,” he told her. Erin looked over at Hope silently waiting for her opinion.

 “It’s fine if you stay,” Hope said. Erin nodded. Hope looked at her son. “I don’t want this to be a problem between us, Derrick.”

Derrick looked at his mother, his eyes dark. “I am really having a hard time with this, Mom. I came home a day early to surprise you, and I walk in to this crap.”

“I was going to tell you. It wasn’t my intention for you to find out the way you did.”

“I don’t want you to replace Dad.” His foot tapped faster. Hope recognized the nervous habit he had since he was a young boy.

“I know that,” Hope said. She made a conscious effort to keep her voice gentle and calm. “I’m not trying to replace him. I’m just trying to get on with my life. I didn’t plan on falling in love, but I’m not willing to give it up because it makes you uncomfortable. Being with Carrie makes me very happy, and I’d like for you to understand and accept that.”

“I don’t want you to be unhappy, Mom, but damn it seems so quick to me and it’s weird that you’re with a woman. This is just so weird and messed up.”

“I think you need time to get used to this. All I ask is that you try. Can you do that for me?”

“I’ll try.” Derrick said. “Do you have any cookies or anything? I could really go for some Oreos.”

Hope laughed. It was good to know some things never changed.

Chapter 18

“Is your girlfriend coming with us to Grandma’s for Thanksgiving?” Derrick asked his mother the next morning over his bowl of Cheerios.

Hope looked at him, trying to decide if he was trying to make an effort at accepting the situation or if he was being sarcastic. Still not sure, she answered him. “No, she is spending it with her mother, and they are going to visit her grandmother in the nursing home.”

“So, who’s gonna be there?” He asked as he brought the bowl to his mouth to drink the last drops of milk. It was a habit that Hope hated but tolerated. It was one of those things in life that wasn’t worth fighting over.

“Let’s see. I’ll be there…”

“Very funny,” he said.

Hope continued, “…and you and Erin, Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt Marcy, Uncle Bert and the kids.” Hope took a bite of the toast from the plate in front of her and looked at Derrick. “I would appreciate if you didn’t mention Carrie to anyone on Thanksgiving.”

“Are you ashamed of her? Is she your dirty little secret?” Derrick asked. This time his mother knew he was being sarcastic.

She set her toast back on the plate and gave her son her full attention. “No, I am not ashamed of her and I don’t appreciate your talking like this. I haven’t told anybody about Carrie yet and them finding out from you is not the way I want to do it.” She looked intently at him, waiting for his response.

“Okay, okay,” he said getting up. “I won’t say anything.” He began to leave the room.

Hope cleared her throat loudly, causing Derrick to turn back around. She motioned to his bowl and spoon still on the table. Without another word he picked them up, put them in the dishwasher, and left the room.

Erin came down the stairs, as Hope was getting ready to leave for work. “Help yourself to anything you want to eat in the kitchen. There should be cereal if Derrick didn’t eat it all.”

“Thanks,” Erin said, trying to rub the sleep from her eyes. “Where is Derrick?”

“I am pretty sure he went into the family room to play video games. I have to get going to work. Make yourself at home and I’ll see you later.” Hope took her keys from the hook hanging by the door and left for work.

*****

As soon as she was in her car, Hope pulled her cell phone from her purse and put her earpiece in her ear. She plugged the other end into the phone and dialed Carrie’s number.

“Hi, sweetie,” Carrie said after two rings. “How are things this morning?”

“Hi. If you’re talking about Derrick, his attitude is slightly better than yesterday, but he still has a ways to go.”

“It’s going to take time. This is all very new to him. Am I going to see you tonight?” Carrie asked.

“I wish I could say yes, but I’m afraid not. My sister invited us over for dinner. But do you have any plans tomorrow after work? Are you visiting your grandmother tomorrow?”

“I am visiting her after work today. What did you have in mind for tomorrow?”

Hope pulled out of her driveway and turned left onto the street, heading in the direction of work.

“I don’t care as long as I get to see you. We could go out for Chinese.”

“That sounds great. Do you want to invite Derrick and Erin along?” Carrie asked.

“No, I want to be alone with you. They have plans anyway with some of Derrick’s friends.” Hope paused. “I think it might be a little soon for him, too. I do want the two of you to get to know each other, ut I think I would like to wait just a little longer. Is that all right with you?” Anxiety began to build as Hope waited for Carrie to answer.

“That’s fine. I can understand that.”

Hope let out a relieved breath. “I’ll be over around six tomorrow if that works for you.”

“Okay, honey. I’ll see you then.”

“Call me when you get home from visiting your grandmother tonight.”

“You got it. Bye.”

Hope said good-bye and pulled the earpiece out of her ear. She continued her drive to work.

Chapter 19

The next day Hope pulled into Carrie’s driveway and walked to the door. Carrie opened the door just as Hope approached it. She grabbed Hope by the collar of her coat and yanked her in the door, closing it behind them. She smothered Hope with kisses.

“Oh my,” Hope said when Carrie let her up for air.

“I missed you,” Carrie told her.

“I guess you did. I like it when you miss me.” Hope pulled her in for a few more kisses.

“Are we still going out for Chinese food?” Carrie asked. “Or we could stay here and order in. Or we could stay here and not eat food, at all.”

“Hmmm, let’s order in and cuddle up on the couch until it gets here. What about that one?”

Carrie thought about it as she pulled Hope to the couch. “I’m thinking that that’s a good one.” She pulled Hope down until they were lying on the couch, with Hope on top of her.

Carrie felt her body react to Hope. It still amazed her that her panties could be so wet just by having Hope near.

Carrie ran her fingers through Hope’s brown hair and pulled her face down lower until their lips were touching. Carrie ran her tongue around the inside edge of Hope’s lips before she began to explore the entire inside of Hope’s mouth with her tongue. Her heart rate increased as the moisture between her legs also increased.

“How are we going to order Chinese food from this position?” Hope asked Carrie when she regained momentary control of her own mouth.

“Oh, yeah, Chinese food. We were going to order Chinese food. I’m not as hungry as I was before. I am not sure I need Chinese food anymore,” Carrie said. “I think I just need you.”

“Well, my little love bug…I’m starving, I haven’t eaten anything since breakfast, and if I don’t eat something I am going to pass out from hunger.”

“Will anything do or do you have to eat Chinese food?” Carrie smirked.

“I am thinking that I should start with Chinese food and then maybe later on I can eat what you have in mind,” Hope blushed as she said the words.

“What if what I was thinking was homemade chocolate chip cookies?” Carrie kissed Hope lightly on the lips.

“I guess that would be a different story then. We could have Chinese food, cookies and then…” Hope didn’t finish. Her words where cut off by Carrie’s deep kiss.

Suddenly Carrie pushed Hope up and off of her until they were both sitting. She handed Hope her cell phone. “Go ahead and call in the order for delivery. Maybe we will eat the cookies while we’re waiting for it to arrive. That way we can get done with all that faster and get to the good stuff.” She planted tiny kisses on Hope’s neck and chest as Hope pushed the speed dial number for the Chinese restaurant that Carrie had programmed into the phone.

“Yes,” she said when someone answered. She cleared her throat but it still sounded throaty when she spoke. Carrie continued with the kisses. She pushed Hope’s shirt up around her neck and her hands kneaded Hope’s breasts. “I would like to place an order for delivery. Yes, I would like the beef and broccoli, the Moo Goo Gai Pan, pork lo mein and two egg rolls. Umm, the name is Hope. Seventeen West Melborn Street. Yes, thank you.” She hit the end button on the phone.  “About twenty minutes,” she said to Carrie with the little bit of breath she had left.

“Twenty minutes? What are we going to do with twenty whole minutes?” Her hands continued to work over Hope’s breasts. She pushed Hope’s bra up and stroked bare skin. Hope’s nipples hardened under her touch.

“What can we possibly do in twenty minutes?” Hope whispered.

“We could do this,” Carrie said squeezing the firm flesh of Hope’s breast.

Hope closed her eyes and let out a sigh at the sensations Carrie was creating.

“Or we could do this,” Carrie said as she took a firm nipple between her thumb and finger and gently rolled it around.” Her hand began to move down the length of Hope’s body toward her pants. “Or we could do…”

Hope grabbed her hand. “That, we can’t do, because I wouldn’t want you to stop, and we are going to need to answer the door bell pretty soon. I want more than twenty minutes for that.”

“What if I moved my hand really fast?” Carrie asked.

“What if I did this instead, right now?” Hope put her lips on Carrie’s neck and began to alternate kisses with sucking and licking Carrie’s skin. Carrie closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Her whole body relaxed under the magic of Hope’s mouth. Hope’s hands came up and gently stroked the sides of Carrie’s face.

They stayed like this, close, kissing and touching until the doorbell rang.

Hope reluctantly slid off of the couch, fixed her bra and shirt and answered the door. Carrie got up and went into the kitchen to get plates, a serving spoon and beverages. They returned to the living room at the same time.

“Just so you know,” Carrie said as she set the plates and drinks down on the coffee table. “I want to throw you on the floor and make love to you right now.” Just saying the words sent a surge through Carrie. She smiled. “But, don’t worry. I am going to let you eat your food first. I may even let you have a cookie. But then I am going to have my way with you.”

Hope smiled as she spooned the food out of the containers and onto the plates. “Okay,” was all she said.

Carrie sat down on the floor in front of the table. Hope set a plate of food and a pair of chopsticks in front of her and sat on the couch across from her.

Carrie wouldn’t admit it, but she was hungry and glad they decided to get food delivered. She wasted no time eating and finished before Hope did.

“Are you just going to sit there now and watch me eat?” Hope asked her.

“Yes. The minute you get done I am going to pounce on you. You got a problem with that?” Carrie gave a wicked grin.

Hope put her chopsticks down on her plate. She stood up walked around the table and put her hand out to Carrie. “Come on,” she said.

“You haven’t finished eating your food,” Carrie said to her.

“You are more important than the food.”

“It doesn’t have to be a choice. I’ll wait.”

“I can’t wait any more. So, come on.” Carrie took her hand and allowed Hope to pull her to her feet and lead her to the bedroom.

Chapter 20    

“Mom. We’re ready to go.” Derrick called up the stairs.

Hope stood in her bedroom buttoning the long sleeves on the burgundy blouse she wore. She fixed the collar and tucked her shirttail into her cream-colored dress pants. “I’ll be down in a few minutes,” she yelled to her son as she slipped a thin belt through the loops and fastened the small gold buckle.

Hope walked down the stairs several minutes later. Derrick and Erin sat on the couch watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Derrick looked over at his mother. “Are we ready to go?” he asked with a bit of impatience in his voice. Erin swatted him in the chest with the back of her hand.

“You look very nice,” Erin said to Hope. Erin was dressed in a neat yellow blouse tucked into brown dress pants. Hope was glad that Derrick at least had on clean jeans and a decent button down shirt, instead of an old tee shirt that was his usual attire.

“Thank you very much, Erin. You do too.” Hope smiled at her and then addressed her son. “And yes, we’re ready to go.”

Hope got their coats from the hall closet. “Would you go get the two pies that I bought, Derrick? They’re on the counter by the stove in the kitchen.” She handed Erin her coat while Derrick retrieved the desserts.

Twenty minutes later, Hope pulled up in front of her parents’ house. She took a deep breath before getting out of the car. She felt like she had a small hole in her heart and realized it was from missing Carrie.  Hope knew that at some point soon she would have to tell her family about Carrie. She wanted to tell her family. She just wasn’t sure when she was going to do that or just what she was going to say.

Hope got out of the car and had to walk a little quicker than normal to catch up with Derrick and Erin before they reached the front door. Derrick rang the doorbell, balancing the pies in one hand.

“Derrick!” William Carver said after he opened the door, “I swear you get taller every time I see you.” He patted Derrick on the back as Derrick passed by him going into the house. “Hello, welcome,” he said to Erin.

“Hi, Dad. How are you?” Hope said as she hugged her father. She noticed more gray hair around his temples, but he was still a handsome man. “This is Erin, Derrick’s girlfriend.”

“Very nice to meet you,” Erin said.

“You too. Well, come on in everyone. Derrick, hand me those pies and why don’t you take all your coats and put them on the bed in the spare bedroom at the end of the hall.”

“Your mother’s in the kitchen,” William said to his daughter as he took the pies from Derrick. “Follow me and I’ll get you both something to drink.” Derrick disappeared down the hallway.

“Hi, Mom,” Hope said as they entered the kitchen. Her mother turned around, turkey baster in her hand.

“Hello, Hope,” her mother said, looking her daughter up and down. “Your hair’s a little too long don’t you think? I like it much better shorter.” She put the baster down on the counter and smoothed down the Thanksgiving themed apron that she was wearing over a stylish turquoise pants suit. Every silver hair on her head was in its proper place and tightly held with a generous layer of hair spray. Her cheeks were rosy red from a combination of heat in the kitchen and a fair amount of blush. “Hello,” she said looking at Erin.

“Mom, this is Erin, Derrick’s girlfriend. Erin, this is my mother, Mrs. Carver,” Hope said, ignoring the comment about her hair.

Erin stepped forward with her hand out. “Hello,” Erin said as she shook Martha Carver’s hand. “It’s nice to meet you.”

Martha looked at Hope. “She’s cute,” she said as if Erin weren’t there.

“Thanks,” Derrick said as he joined them in the kitchen. “She is pretty darn cute.” He put his arm around his girlfriend and smiled at her. He brought his attention to his grandmother. “Hi, Grandma.”

She put her arms out. “Come and give me a hug, Derrick.” He was much taller than her and had to reach down to embrace her.

“What would you like to drink?” William asked the guests. “We have root beer, ginger ale and Pepsi. We also have wine, but you kids are too young for that.”

“I’ll take a beer if you have it,” Derrick said with a grin on his face.

“You are such a wise guy, just like your mother,” William said to his grandson. “You’ll take soda pop or water, young man.”

“Pepsi, Grandpa, please,” he said.

“And you, young lady?” he asked Erin.

“The same please.”

William poured the drinks and handed them out. As usual, Martha insisted that she didn’t need any help and the guests were shuttled out of the kitchen and into the living room. Several minutes later Marcy arrived with her family in tow. Marcy and her husband went into the kitchen.

The twins made a beeline for their cousin Derrick. He scooped them both up in his arms and had them giggling as he gently tossed them around.

“Hey, guys,” Derrick said.

Marcy called them her miracle babies. After years of trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant, she and her husband had finally turned to doctors and fertility drugs. The two seven-year-old boys were the happy results.

“Hey,” he told them. “If you guys don’t go say hi to grandma in the kitchen, she is gonna beat your butts.”

“Okay,” they giggled in unison.

“Come back when you’re done,” Derrick called after them as they ran to the kitchen. They came running back after a few minutes, each carrying half a cookie.

Hope made conversation with her sister and brother-in-law while the dinner was being prepared in the kitchen. When it was ready, the group moved to the dining room table.    

Over all, Hope had a good time visiting with her family. Derrick seemed to enjoy himself too despite Hope’s worry about this being the first major holiday without his father. The fact that Erin was with him helped, Hope was sure.

Hope enjoyed the wonderful meal her mother prepared and over indulged in too much dessert. But through the friendly conversation and bites of food, her thoughts kept returning to Carrie. She missed her, plain and simple.

After her last bite of dessert she excused herself and went into the spare bedroom and punched in Carrie’s number on her cell phone.

She felt a rush go through her when she heard Carrie’s voice.

“I miss you,” Hope started the conversation. “I’m not calling at a bad time, am I?”

“There is never a bad time to talk to you. What are you doing?” Carrie asked.

“At the moment I’m sitting on a bed full of coats.”

“Is that a family tradition?”

“Yes, as a matter of fact it is. Every Thanksgiving, one person in our family gets to sit in here with the coats. This year I’m the lucky one that gets to do it. What are you doing?”

“Nothing nearly that exciting,” Carrie said. Hope could hear her smile through the phone line. “My Mom made a turkey breast in the good old Nesco roaster. We finished eating a little while ago.”

“Where’s your mom now?”

“She’s putting the leftovers away. I was banished to the living room. She likes to clean up alone.”

“That’s how my mom likes to cook, but she makes us all help her clean up. I think they are all cleaning up now.”

“So that means you’re not helping?”

“I have something much more important to do.”

“And what would that be?”

“I have to tell my girlfriend that I love her,”

“You’ve never called me that before…your girlfriend.”

“Well, it’s either that or my lesbian lover. Which do you prefer?” Hope said her voice barely above a whisper.

“Hmm, I like being both. I love you, too, by the way. And I miss you, too.”

Hope heard a knock on the door and turned as Derrick stuck his head in the room. “Grandma’s starting to wonder where you are. I didn’t know what to say so I told her you were looking for something in your coat pocket.”

Hope moved the phone away from her mouth a little as she spoke to her son. “Thanks, Derrick. I’ll be out in a minute.”

He nodded his head and pulled the door closed. A moment later he opened it again and whispered. “Tell Carrie I said hi.” His smile was genuine as he closed the door again.

“I have to go, honey…and Derrick said to tell you ‘hi’,” Hope didn’t hide her surprise.

“He did? I guess that is a good sign. Okay, sweetie. Call me tonight. Have fun with your family. I love you.”    

“Bye, Carrie,” Hope said. “I love you, too.”

 She hung up her phone and closed her eyes, holding her phone to her chest for several seconds before leaving the room and rejoining her family.

Chapter 21

Carrie had enjoyed her day with her mother, and the visit with her grandmother was fine, but she was glad that Thanksgiving was over and things would be getting back to normal.  She missed being with Hope.

She looked at her watch, four o’clock. Derrick and Erin should be on their way back to Buffalo and Hope would be here soon. She went through each room tidying up. When she was done she sat on the couch and looked through the Sunday paper. The ads where full of Christmas items and gift ideas.

She heard Hope’s car pull into the driveway. She got up, opened the door and watched Hope come up the walk.

“Hello, beautiful,” Carrie said as Hope approached. She was barely in the door when Carrie pulled her into a tight hug that ended with a lingering kiss.

“Well, it’s nice to see you, too,” Hope said as they walked to the kitchen, hand in hand. Carrie cut them both a slice of apple pie. They sat across from each other at the small table to eat it.

“Mmm,” Hope said after swallowing a bite. “This is so much better than the pies I bought for Thanksgiving.”

“That’s because they are made with love. The pies from the bakery are only made with sugar and love beats out sugar every time.”

“This is awfully sweet for not being made with sugar,” Hope said teasing.

“That’s because I’m sweet.”

“Yes, you are.”  

“As soon as we finish this pie, I’m going to get you naked,” Carrie told her.

“I know you are. But the problem with that is I’m going to be the only one naked.”

“I can live with that,” Carrie said. “At least for right now.”

When they had finished their pie they went into the art room. Carrie stayed while Hope got undressed. She watched her remove each piece of clothing and lay it over the chair in the corner. Carrie couldn’t help but look at her lover’s body with longing. She knew that in a few minutes she would have to stop looking at it with a lover’s eye and start looking at it with an artist’s eye. She would have to reduce Hope’s body to shapes and values.

As soon as she was undressed, Hope got into her pose. They were working on the last of the two paintings. The first had gone smoothly and without any problems. Hope had seen the rough drawings that Carrie had done of her, but hadn’t seen the final painting. Carrie wanted her to wait until they were all done with both.

Hope was standing sideways, her hands hanging down by her side and her chin tilted down, towards the left. Carrie came up behind her with the pink satin material in her hand. Each painting featured a different color cloth and Carrie began to arrange the material over Hope’s shoulder and let it drape down across one side of Hope’s butt. She carefully moved the material around trying to match the placement and folds of the previous modeling sessions.

When Carrie was sure she had the material just the way she wanted it, she leaned in towards Hope until her mouth was close to Hope’s ear. “Just like that,” she whispered. “Don’t move.”

Carrie let her hands sweep down Hope’s back with the lightest touch, until her hand reached Hope’s buttocks. Her touch here was much more firm as she took hold of Hope’s flesh and gave a gentle squeeze. Hope shivered.

“You need to stop doing that, unless you want a stream of liquid running down my leg to include in your painting. You’re making me very wet.”

“Seeing you like this is making me very wet,” Carrie whispered back.

“Do you talk to all your models like this?” Hope asked, her voice barely audible.

“Yes, I do. Seeing you are my only model.”

Carrie cleared her throat and backed away. “If I don’t start painting soon, I am going to throw you on the floor right here and have my way with you.” She turned on the lights to illuminate her subject and sat down at her easel. She studied her model, trying to get her brain to see the shapes and light instead of the beautiful body that stood before her. She pushed away her feelings of want and began painting.

Chapter 22

Hope put her key in the door and was about to turn it when she realized that the door was already unlocked. She searched her mind to remember for sure if she had locked it on the way out. She was certain she had. Carrie was due to come over but it was much too early for her to be here, and besides, the key she had made for her was still sitting on her desk. She hadn’t given it to her yet. Derrick had returned to school three days ago after Thanksgiving break and wasn’t due back home until December eighteenth. There was no car in the driveway.

She turned the knob and slowly pushed the door open. This might not be a good idea, she realized. What if someone broke in and is still in the house?

She stuck just her head in the open door, prepared to run if necessary. “Hello?” she called out softly. “Hello?” she repeated a little louder.

“Hi, Mom,” Derrick stepped into the room from the kitchen. Startled, Hope dropped her keys on the hardwood floor. Derrick laughed at the look on her face.

She stooped to pick up the keys and continued into the house. “You scared the shit out of me.”

“Language, Mom.” Derrick laughed again, but Hope sensed an underlying nervousness about him.

“Never mind my language. What are you doing here? And where’s your car?” Hope deposited her keys on the end table and her coat on the couch. She waited for Derrick to answer. “Is everything all right?” she asked when he didn’t answer the first question.

“Erin has my car, she dropped me off…and I think everything’s all right. I’m not sure you are going to think that.” Derrick swallowed hard and avoided looking his mother in the eye.

“What is that suppose to mean?” Hope asked, the concern showing in her voice.

“I think I need a glass of water,” Derrick said as he went into the kitchen. Hope followed closely behind.

Derrick took a glass from the cupboard and filled it at the sink. He drank it down before turning back around and facing Hope. “Mom, you might want to sit down.”

She put her hands on her hips, her concern was overshadowed by her growing impatience. “Just tell me what’s going on.”

“I’m getting married Mom.” The words spilled out of Derrick’s mouth at a rapid rate.

“You’re what? Who are you marrying? Are you marrying Erin?” Hope asked confused. Why would Derrick even think about getting married now? Hope thought. He is far too young and still in school.

“Of course I’m marrying Erin. Who else would you think I would be marrying?” Annoyance was evident in Derrick’s tone.

“All right, let’s back up here. Are you telling me that you are engaged to Erin and you are getting married after you both graduate from college?” Please, she thought to herself, please say that you are waiting until you are out of school.

“No, Mom. I mean we are getting married now. Like in a couple of weeks.”

“No, I don’t think so.” She tried to control her voice but she noticed that the volume had gone up, considerably. “I don’t think that you are getting married now. That would just be stupid.”

“Please, Mom, just hear me out.” Derrick’s voice was calm and even. “Erin…we…Erin and I are going to have a baby. Erin’s pregnant.”

Hope felt a hot flush rush through her body. She closed her eyes against the raising panic she was feeling. She opened her eyes again to find Derrick watching her, waiting for her response. “Oh Derrick, no. You didn’t.”

Hope wasn’t naive enough to think that her son wouldn’t have sex before marriage but she had begun talking to him about the importance of birth control when he was only thirteen. She was careful not to lecture him, but to educate him so that he would never be in the same position that she found herself in when she was a teenager. She made sure he had access to condoms. She made sure that she or his father were always available for questions. She made sure…I guess I didn’t make sure enough. He got his girlfriend pregnant anyway. Oh my God.

“It’s all right Mom. Honest it is. This will all work out,” Derrick told his mother.

“Derrick how could…” she didn’t finish the question. She knew how this thing could happen. She didn’t need to ask.

“Why do you have to get married? You are both so young.”

“We want to get married. We want to be together. You don’t want us to get married?”

“Just for the record I am a huge fan of ‘living in sin’,” Hope said.

“Since when?” Derrick asked. “I thought I raised you better than that, Mom.” Derrick said, trying to be funny.

Hope wasn’t seeing the humor in it. “Since my nineteen year old son announced that he is getting married. Derrick, you are way too young.” She knew she was repeating herself.

“I am older than you were when you got married.”

“Then I know what I’m talking about.” Hope looked at her son. She saw the determination in his eyes.

“You aren’t going to change my mind, Mom. I love Erin. I really love her. I thought if anyone would understand that it would be you. Aren’t you the one that told me that ‘love knows no rules’?” He flashed a smile at her.

“No fair Derrick, using my own words against me.” Hope felt like she was losing this round.

“Mom, I just want you to be happy for me. I know it won’t be easy. I am willing to do whatever I have to do to make sure Erin and the baby have whatever they need. I am going to make this work. We love each other.”

“And what about Erin? How does she feel about all this? Does she want to get married?” Hope couldn’t help but think about herself in the same situation at a young age. She hadn’t wanted to get married, but she did it anyway. She did what she thought everyone expected her to do, what was right for her baby. Her baby was standing here now telling her that he was going to make the same mistake that she had. It was breaking her heart.

“I told Erin that I would stand by her whatever she wanted to do. She told me she loves me, Mom. She wants to get married and raise the baby together. I know we can do it.” Derrick sat at the table and leaned the chair back on two legs. “Sit down, Mom. Let’s talk about this like two adults.”

Hope sat down. She couldn’t help but say, “Adults don’t sit in chairs like that. Now sit right, and we can talk about this.”

Derrick smiled. “Just can’t help but think of me as your little boy, can you?”

“You are my little boy. I know you are growing up and want to make your own decisions, but you are too young to get married.” Hope began to raise her voice, again.

“Mom, you need to calm down and let me explain.”

“Don’t tell me to calm down. There is no being calm about this.” Hope knew that calming down was exactly what she should be doing, but the thought just made her more upset. “This is not how I wanted your life to go. This isn’t what we planned for you.”

Derrick’s tone changed. He no longer tried to calmly explain. He switched to defensive mode.

“You don’t get to plan my life for me. I’m old enough to make my own plans and decisions. I’ve decided to marry Erin and that’s what I’m going to do. I was really hoping that you would support us on this. But you aren’t going to change my mind.”

Hope suddenly found it difficult to breathe. Please, dear God, don’t let my son go through what I did. Don’t let him make the same mistakes. Please let me find the right words to say to him to make him understand.

Hope closed her eyes and rubbed her temples in an attempt to compose herself. She took a deep breath, opened her eyes, and looked directly at Derrick. “You are making the biggest mistake of your life.”

She saw her son’s face turn a deep shade of red. “It’s my life and I am going to live it the way I want to.” He raised his voice to his mother, something he hadn’t done since he was six years old. “I am going to marry Erin and we are going to have this baby. There isn’t anything you are going to say that is going to change my mind.” He stormed out of the kitchen and out the front door. It slammed behind him.

Hope stared after him. Her world imploded in the blink of an eye. Her son was about to ruin his life and there was nothing she could do about it. Nothing.

Chapter 23

Carrie knocked again, wondering why Hope wasn’t answering the door. Her car was in the driveway. Carrie started to get worried. She pulled her cell phone from her pocket to call Hope when the door opened.

“Hi,” Carrie said as she entered the house. She noticed that Hope had been crying. “What’s wrong?” Carrie put her arm around Hope’s shoulder as they walked to the living room.

“My son. My son is what’s wrong.” Hope sat heavily on the couch.

“What’s wrong with Derrick?” Carrie asked, sitting down next to Hope. “Is he okay?”

“That depends on what you mean by okay. He is about to throw his life away. He won’t listen to me at all.”

Carrie could clearly see that Hope was very upset, but still wasn’t sure what the problem was. When Hope didn’t continue on her own, Carrie asked, “What is he doing?”

“He’s getting married,” Hope said. She reached for the box of tissues on the arm of the couch and wiped her nose.

“Oh, my God, is that all? You had me scared that it was something really bad or serious.” Carrie smiled and patted Hope’s knee.

Hope stared at her. “This is really bad and serious. My son is about to throw his life away because he got some girl pregnant.” She shook her head.

“Who did he get pregnant?” Carrie asked, not sure what else to say.

Hope was suddenly angry. “Erin,” she said with some force. “Who do you think it would be?”
“Well, the way you said…never mind. Okay, so Erin is pregnant and they plan on getting married?”

“Yes. He is much too young to get married. He is making a big mistake. I should know, it’s exactly what I did.”

“I know that you went through a lot of stuff, honey and that you’re worried about him, but maybe it isn’t the same for him.” Carrie put a comforting arm around Hope, but Hope shook it off.

“What do you know about it,” she said in a high-pitched voice. “This is going to ruin his whole life. This changes everything. You don’t understand at all.”

Carries face showed her confusion. She was speechless for several seconds. “Hope,” she said when she found her voice again, “let’s calm down here a little and talk about this.”

“Will everyone just stop telling me to calm down. I will not calm down. I really don’t want to talk about this right now. I think you should go.” Hope stood up.

Carrie remained seated and looked up at Hope, her mouth agape in surprise. “What? We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but I wanted to spend the evening with you. I don’t want to go.”

Without meeting her eyes Hope said. “I need to be alone. Please go. I’ll call you later.” When Carrie made no move towards leaving, Hope turned to her. “Please, Carrie.”

Without a word, Carrie got up and walked to the door. She opened it and turned back to Hope. She opened her mouth but no words came out. She wasn’t sure how to handle this. She left without saying anything else, and closed the door behind her.

Chapter 24

Carrie didn’t hear from Hope at all the rest of that day. She picked up the phone several times, but hung it up without dialing. She would just give Hope time to calm down and wait for her to call.

She got very little sleep that night, tossing and turning with bits and pieces of bad dreams drifting though her mind. She finally fell into a sound sleep at five o’clock in the morning. That sleep was shattered by the sound of her cell phone ringing.

Carrie looked at the clock. Six-thirty. Who would be calling her at six-thirty in the morning? Hope? It must be Hope. She picked up her phone from the nightstand and blinked to try to force her eyes into focus. She pressed the talk button on the phone and put it up to her ear.

“Carrie?” It was her mother. Instantly Carrie was awake.

“Mom. Mom what is it? Is it Gram? Did something happen to Gram?” She sat up in bed, suddenly alert

“The nursing home just called me. She has pneumonia. It isn’t good when a person in a coma has pneumonia.” She could hear the tears in her mother’s voice.

“What can we do, Mom? What are we suppose to do?”

“There’s nothing we can do. They moved her from the nursing home back to the hospital. They are trying to keep her comfortable and get it under control. I just thought you should know. I’m going to call your brothers as soon as I hang up from you.”

“Okay, Mom thanks for letting me know. I’m going to get dressed and go see her before I go to work. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Yes. I thought you would want to go see her. She’s on the fourth floor. Call me when you get a break at work later. Bye, honey.”

“Bye, Mom.” Carrie pushed back the covers. She didn’t bother making the bed. She went into the bathroom and went through her morning routine as quickly as she could. She changed out of her pajamas and into her casual work clothes and headed out the door.

*****          

Twenty-five minutes later, Carrie pushed open the door to her grandmother’s hospital room. She could tell immediately that there was a change in her grandmother. The sound of Gram’s breathing was labored and IV hung by her bed with a tube attached to her arm.

The main overhead light in the room was turned off. A light attached to the wall above the bed’s headboard dimly lit the room. Carrie walked to the windows and pulled cord on the blinds to let in some of the morning light.

Carrie sat on the side of the bed and picked up her grandmother’s hand and held it between her own. She reached over and smoothed out the old woman’s hair. Carrie thought about how old and frail her grandmother looked lying in this bed, so helpless. This was not the woman that she knew. Not the woman that she had grown up with.

Carrie sat for a long time, just looking and watching her grandmother breathe. One harsh breath in, one harsh breath out.

Carrie pulled the covers back gently on one side of the bed. She slipped onto the bed next to her grandmother careful not to disturb the IV line and wrapped her arms around her. “Grammie,” she said softly into her grandmother’s ear. “Grammie, I want you to wake up and talk to me. I want you to wake up and tell me a story about when you were a little girl and you used to skinny dip in the river, or about the time your brother Albert put a frog down your back. I miss you, Grammie.” Carrie let sad angry tears slide down her cheeks. They felt cool on her hot skin. “But, I know that’s not going to happen. So I want you to be able to leave here. I want to tell you it’s okay to leave us now. I’ll take care of Mom. I promise. It can’t be much fun for you just hanging out like this. It’s time to go join your mother and father again, and grandpa. I know you’ve missed him an awful lot since he died. I’m sure he’s missed you, too. I know he’s waiting for you, Grammie.”

Carrie paused to let a small sob escape. The tears filling Carrie’s eyes made her grandmother look bleary, as if in a dream. “It’s time to stop fighting this. I love you and I will miss you, always. I couldn’t have asked for a better grandma or a better friend. But I want you to be happy and free again, and you can’t do that here. So, please Grammie. Please go.”  Carrie continued to cry softly. The tears fell on the pillow and on her grandmother’s shoulder. She reminded in that position for a long while, just holding onto the little bit of life that was still her beloved grandmother.

*****    

Carrie had a lot of trouble keeping her mind on work. She arrived late after spending two hours with her grandmother that morning. Now her mind vacillated between her grandmother taking a turn for the worse and the argument with Hope the day before. She still wasn’t sure what had happened there, and why Hope had gotten so upset with her.

She wanted so badly to call Hope and tell her about Gram, but she didn’t. She would just give Hope some time. She’ll call me when she’s ready. But, please Hope, please don’t take too long, Carrie thought.

Carrie felt like she was sleepwalking through her day. She paid no attention at the managers meeting before lunch. She made a cursory tour of the warehouse and spoke briefly to Frank, the head of security. The rest of the day she spent in her office.

Carrie tried to get some work done, but just ended up staring at her computer screen until the screen saver kicked in. She made two phone calls to the hospital to check on her grandmother. There was no change. Carrie felt helpless and restless…and alone.

*****

Hope did her best to keep a smile on her face while she made small talk with her co-workers and patients. Her thoughts wandered constantly and she fought to bring them back to the task at hand. She needed to pay attention as she scraped the tartar from an elderly woman’s teeth. She wasn’t sure she would make it through the day.

Hope was convinced that Derrick was making a mistake. She had gotten married far too young and now she felt her son was doing the same thing. And she had yelled at Carrie about it. Carrie didn’t deserve that. She took her anger and fear out on Carrie, the woman she loved. She needed to make that right. She pushed the though of Carrie momentarily away and continued to scrape the teeth in front of her.

Her brain wouldn’t stay on the task at hand and within moments her thoughts went back to her son. She had to figure out a way to stop Derrick from getting married. Hope wanted what was best for her son and for Erin for that matter. Getting married would force them into a situation that they didn’t want…into a life that they didn’t want. It would stop them from pursuing the lives they deserved. It would limit their choices. Just like it had limited hers. She had spent nineteen years in a life that stifled her, that held her back and that stopped her from being who she was.

Hope stopped scraping at the tartar and stared into space. The patient, mouth opened wide, looked at her. It took another moment for Hope to realize that she had a person sitting in front of her waiting for her teeth to be cleaned. “Sorry,” Hope said and went back to work on the woman’s teeth.

Oh my God, she thought. I am projecting all of my own feelings onto Derrick and Erin. They are going to have a baby and they love each other. They are trying to do the right thing. Instead of supporting my son I am pushing him away. I can’t protect him by rejecting him.

“Rinse and spit, Mrs. Peters,” Hope told the patient. “You’re all set with your cleaning. Doctor Jenkins will be here in a few minutes to take a look at your teeth.”

The old woman nodded. Hope left the room and stuck her head into the dentist’s office down the hall.

“Mrs. Peters is ready for her exam in room two,” she told him as he sat at his desk working on his computer. He waved his hand in the air. Hope knew that meant that he would meet her in the exam room in a few minutes.

Hope stepped into the break room. She sat at the table facing the open door so she could see when Doctor Jenkins passed by on his way to the patient. She pulled her cell phone from her pocket and dialed Carrie’s number.

Carrie answered on the second ring. “Hello.”

“I am such an ass,” Hope said as soon as she heard Carrie’s voice. “I am so sorry.” There was silence for several moments. “Carrie?” Hope said. She heard a sound and knew that Carrie was crying. “Carrie?” she repeated. “Please talk to me.”

“My grandmother has pneumonia,” Carrie told her. “She isn’t doing good.”

“Oh honey, I am so sorry. I am so sorry I wasn’t there for you. What can I do?” Hope said, the feeling of guilt washing over her.

“There isn’t anything anyone can do. I was there with her this morning and I’m going to go back after work and meeting my mother there.”

“Do you want me to go to the nursing home with you?”

“They moved her back to the hospital. There really isn’t anything you can do there. But…” Carrie hesitated.

“What? Just tell me. I’ll do anything for you,” Hope said.

“Can you come over to my house tonight? I just want to be with you.”

Hope saw the doctor walk by the room on the way to examine Mrs. Peter’s teeth. “Of course I’ll come over. I’ll be there by the time you get home from visiting your grandmother. I’ll stop and pick up subs. All right?”

“Thank you.”

“Of course. I need to get back to work, but I’ll see you later. Call and leave a message if you need me. I love you, Carrie.”

“I love you, too. I’ll see you later. Bye.”

“Bye,” Hope said and hung up. She slipped the phone back into her pocket and headed to room two.   

*****

Hope let herself into Carrie’s house using the garage door code Carrie had given her the week before. She went into the kitchen and placed the subs on the table. In the living room she sat and waited for Carrie.

While Hope waited she knew there was one more phone call that she needed to make that day. She had purposely waited to call Derrick so she had time compose herself and to be sure of what she wanted to say. She took her cell phone from her purse and held it in her hand for several seconds before punching in his number.

The phone rang several times before going to voice mail. Hope cleared her throat before leaving a message. “Hi, Derrick, it’s Mom. I wanted to say that I’m sorry for reacting so strongly yesterday and I would like to be able to talk to you and Erin about this calmly. Please give me a call back so we can figure out when we can get together to talk.” She paused before adding. “I love you, Derrick.”

Hope put her phone on the coffee table and dug through her purse again. She pulled out a small notebook and opened it to a blank page and began to compose a poem while she waited for Carrie. She found writing to be soothing. She had worked for about thirty minutes when she heard Carrie pull into the driveway.

Hope got up to meet her at the door. She pulled Carrie into a tight hug as she stepped into the house. “I am so sorry,” she whispered into her ear. Hope gave Carrie a kiss on the cheek and helped her off with her coat.

They walked hand in hand to the kitchen as Hope asked. “How is your grandmother? Any change?”

“She isn’t doing well at all.” Carrie looked into Hope’s brown eyes. “This morning I told her she should stop fighting this and go.” Carrie’s tears streamed down her face. “I told her it was okay to die.”

Hope swept Carrie into her arms and held her, gently stroking her hair. “It’s all right, baby. It’s all right.” Carrie sobbed into Hope’s shoulder for a few minutes before composing herself.

“Thank you for being here,” Carrie told her. She waved toward the subs that Hope had set on the table earlier. “If you want to put those on plates, I am going to go into the bathroom and clean up a little. I need to wash my face.”

“Of course, honey. Do what ever you need to do. I’ll get this ready.” Hope got two plates down from the cupboard and unwrapped the subs. She put half a sub onto each plate, and added a handful of potato chips from the bag she found on the counter. Hope wrapped up the second half of each sandwich and put them in the refrigerator. She brought each plate with several napkins into the living room.

She returned to the kitchen just as Carrie returned from the bathroom. “I didn’t know what you wanted to drink,” Hope said. “Did you want a glass of wine?”

“No, I am going to skip the alcohol just in case they call from the hospital. I want to be able to drive. Water is fine. I’ll get it.” She proceeded to fill two glasses with filtered water from the fridge and followed Hope into the living room.

Carrie filled Hope in a little more on her grandmother’s condition and Hope told Carrie more about her thoughts on Derrick and his situation.

Two hours later they were still talking and holding each other on the couch. “Are you about ready for bed?” Hope asked.

“Yes, bed sounds like a good idea.” Both women stood up.

“You go ahead and get ready, I’ll clean up here,” Hope said.

“Are you sure?” Carrie asked. “I can help.”

“No, you’ve had a long day. Go ahead. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

Carrie did as she was told. Hope picked up both plates, noticing that Carrie had barely touched her food. She wasn’t surprised. Hope took the plates and glasses into the kitchen. She threw out the remainder of the food on Carrie’s plate and loaded the dirty dishes into the dishwasher.

Hope locked the front door and shut all the lights before joining Carrie in the bedroom. Carrie was already in bed. Hope removed her clothing, folded them and piled them neatly on a chair in the corner. She slipped beneath the covers and held her arms out to Carrie. Hope wrapped one arm around Carrie as she moved in next to her and reached over to shut off the lamp on the nightstand next to her.

Hope settled down into the bed against Carrie, softly stroking the skin on her back. Carrie kissed Hope gently on the cheek and then moved closer and kissed her softly on the mouth. Carrie’s hands began roaming over Hope’s naked body.

“I thought you would want to sleep,” Hope told her. “You must be very tired.”

“I am very tired, but not too tired to want you.” Carrie’s hands continued exploring.

They made love with an unhurried tenderness.

Chapter 25

Carrie woke as the sun started to peek through the blinds. She looked at the clock, six forty-eight. She gently extracted herself from Hope’s arms and slipped out of bed. She looked back at Hope sleeping soundly before going into the bathroom and taking a quick shower. She towel dried her body and brushed her wet hair. She pulled it into a loose ponytail as she gathered it into a hair scrunchy.

Carrie dressed in the bedroom very quietly, so she wouldn’t wake Hope. She set the alarm clock on the nightstand for eight AM.

“Hope,” she said quietly as she sat on the edge of the bed and gently shook her lover’s shoulder.

“Huh?” Hope’s voice was groggy and barely audible.

“I’m going to go visit my grandmother. I set the alarm for you so you can get up to go to work. Okay?”

Hope reached up and pulled Carrie into an embrace. “You should have woken me up. I would have gotten up with you.” She cleared her throat trying to dislodge the sound of sleep.

“You were sleeping so peacefully. I didn’t want to wake you.” Carrie gave her a kiss. “You go back to sleep for a little while. I’ll call you later.”

Sleep was winning out again as Hope’s arms released Carrie. “Okay,” she whispered. “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Bye, baby,” Carrie whispered back as she left the room.

*****    

Carrie called work from her cell phone before she pulled out onto the street. She told them she was taking a personal day and wouldn’t be in. Twenty minutes later Carrie was sitting by her grandmother’s bed. Her mother arrived soon after.

“How is she doing?” her mother asked, as she rubbed Carrie’s shoulder.

“She seems to be getting worse.” Carrie patted her mother’s hand on her shoulder. “I think it’s just a matter of time, Mom.”

Sandra Martin nodded her head silently. She pulled the other chair in the room over so that it was closer to the bed. Carrie saw the tears flow from her mother’s eyes. She handed her the box of Kleenex from the small table by the bed.

“I know it is,” Sandra said to her daughter. “I was really hoping that she would pull out of this and be her old self. Now I’m not so sure.”

“Are Todd and Sammy coming?” Carrie asked about her brothers. She reached over and took a tissue from the box in her mother’s lap and wiped the corners of her own eyes.

“Sammy should be here tonight. He and Terry and the kids are driving here. They are leaving this morning. It’s a long drive for them. Todd said he isn’t going to be able to come. They are in the middle of some maneuvers or something and the flight itself would be almost fifteen hours with layovers.”

“It’s understandable that he’s not going to be able to come then. Gram would understand,” Carrie said. She reached over and stroked her grandmother’s hand.

Carrie and her mother sat without speaking while doctors and nurses made their rounds in and out of the room. There wasn’t much to say.

Three hours later both women were still in the room. Carrie held her grandmother’s hand as she took her last ragged breath and left the confines of her broken body.

*****

“Oh Carrie, I’m so sorry,” Hope said gathering Carrie in her arms. They stood in Hope’s living room. “I know how much you loved her.” She led Carrie to the couch and sat with her.

“How is your mom doing?”

“I think she’s in shock. She was in denial for so long. I know this is hard on her.” Carrie had cried so much at the hospital that she didn’t think she had any tears left. She realized she was wrong as more tears rolled down her cheeks. She brushed them away. “I need to get myself together. I have to meet my mother at the funeral home to make arrangements soon, and my brother Sammy should be here tonight with his family. They are driving in.”

“Does he know yet?” Hope asked her.

“Yeah. I called him. He seemed to take it okay. He was sorry he didn’t make it here on time, but he knew it was coming.”

Hope rubbed Carrie’s leg. “Do you want me to go to the funeral home with you?”

Hope’s offer brought fresh tears to Carrie’s eyes and Hope gently wiped them away. “I would love you to go with me. But I’m not exactly ready to explain you to my mother yet. Is that all right?” Carrie looked at Hope. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt Hope’s feelings.

“Of course it’s all right, honey.” Hope brushed the long blond hair away from Carrie’s face.

“But…” Carrie hesitated. “Would you come to the funeral with me? I think it would help a lot if you were there with me.”

“Absolutely, I’ll go with you. But what are you going to tell your mom?” Hope rubbed Carrie’s back.

“I’ll just introduce you as my friend. I just can’t handle more right now. Are you okay with that?”

“Anything you need to do is fine, honey.” Hope wrapped her arms around the crying woman and pulled her in close. She held her like that for a long time.

*****

Hope closed the door as Carrie drove away. She checked her cell phone. No missed calls, no message from Derrick. She had called him three times and had not heard back from him. She had talked briefly to Erin just to make sure they were both all right. Erin assured her that they were and that she would tell Derrick to return her call.

Hope sat at the desk in the corner of the room. She opened the drawer and pawed through it looking for her stationery set. It had been a long time since she had sent a hand written a letter to someone, but that is just what she intended to do now.

Towards the back of the large drawer she spotted what she was searching for. She pulled out the plastic package that contained writing paper and fancy envelopes. She found a ballpoint pen in the same drawer.

Hope thought for a few minutes about what to write. She knew she needed to get through to her son and get the lines of communication opened again. She stared at the light blue piece of paper before her. She wrote.

Derrick,

 I’m sorry I got so upset with you. It is only because I love you and want you to have the best life possible. So, when I think you aren't making the best decisions it scares me. I don't ever want you to struggle or be unhappy. I’m not mad at you or at Erin. I just want the best for both of you. Please call me, I promise to listen this time.. I don’t want this to come between us.
Love,

Your Crazy Lesbian Momma

She folded the letter in half and put it into the envelope and wrote Derrick’s name and school address on it and put it in her purse to mail.

Chapter 26

Two days later Hope was dressing for Carrie’s grandmother’s funeral when her cell phone rang. She saw her son’s name pop up on her caller I.D.

She was nervous as she pushed the talk button and brought the phone to her ear. “Hi, honey,” she said. “How are you doing?”

“Hi, Mom. I’m okay.” His voice sounded strained. “You aren’t going to talk me out of marrying Erin.”

Hope closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “All right, but I think we should all sit down and talk about this. Are you willing to do that?” Hope waited for his answer.

“Yeah we can do that. I can’t come until Christmas break. So if you want to come here before that you can. Otherwise we have to wait.”

“You aren’t going to do anything stup…um, crazy are you in the meantime. You aren’t going to just go and get married are you?”

Hope could hear the annoyance in Derrick’s voice. “No, Mom, we aren’t going to run off and get married. I want to do this right. Erin deserves a nice wedding.”

Hope glanced at the clock on the nightstand. “Listen Derrick, I need to get going. Carrie’s grandmother died and I have to go pick her up for the funeral. I’ll call you tomorrow, all right?”

“Sure,” he said. “Tell Carrie I’m sorry about her grandmother.”

“I will, honey. I’ll talk to you tomorrow then. Bye.”

*****

Carrie stood behind a podium at the front of St. Peter’s Church. She nervously ran her hands over the piece of paper in front of her. She had several tissues tucked into the sleeve of her black cotton shirt. It was something her grandmother had taught her to do when she was a child. She hadn’t done it in years. Today, not only would she need a steady supply of tissues, but she also thought it was a fitting way to remember and honor her grandmother.

The church was full of people that knew and loved her grandmother, as well as people that were there to support Carrie and her family. Several of Carrie’s friends and coworkers were seated in the church pews. Hope sat in the front row, the seat next to her, empty, waiting for Carrie to return after she said the eulogy. The smell of burning frankincense clung to the air making it feel thick.

Carrie leaned forward, closer to the microphone. “I want to thank everyone for being here today.” She cleared her throat and glanced down at her notes. “What do you say about someone that was one of the most important people in your life? I can start out by saying that I loved my grandmother. Everyone that knew her loved her. She was one of the kindest, most thoughtful people that I have ever known. She was a gift from God.

I was lucky enough to not only have her for my grandmother, she was also my best friend. I grew up next door to Gram. I would often take the short walk over to her house just to spend time with her and see what she was doing.

If you knew my grandmother at all you can guess what she was doing most of the time…baking.”

The somber group in the church let out a small laugh at the memory.

 “One of her favorite things to bake was pie. Whenever I showed up at her door, usually unannounced, she never told me to go away or treated me like a little kid. She always welcomed me with open arms and included me in what ever she was doing.

“I remember standing at the kitchen table with her kneading dough for pie crust. I worked my little piece of dough again and again until it was really well mixed and smooth…and a little gray from too much handling by my little hands. For some reason my Grammy always made sure I got the little pie I worked so hard on.” The crowd let out a soft laugh. Carrie pulled a tissue from her sleeve and wiped the tears that had escaped her eyes.

“When she wasn’t baking she was out helping others.” Carrie looked at the crowd. “I see a lot of you nodding your heads. My grandmother touched the lives of so many of you here. She was always sharing her baked goods, volunteering at church or just helping out a neighbor or a friend.

“She married the love of her life when she was only seventeen years old and she had my mother exactly nine months later.” Her audience responded with another chuckle.

“I guess we know what she did on her honeymoon.” Carrie laughed along with the people in church despite her tears.

“She worked as a telephone operator when she was in her late twenties and early thirties. It was the only job she ever held outside of being a “housewife”, as she called it, and a mother. She was very proud of that job. And she was very proud of her family. She told me often how proud she was of me, and she made me proud of myself. She was very good at making people feel better about themselves. She taught me to always leave other people feeling better about themselves, that it was important to treat people right.

She was a very special lady, my Gram. I was very blessed to have her in my life and I am glad that we are all here today to celebrate her life together. I know I am a better person for knowing her.” Carrie looked up into the air. “I love you, Gram,” she said. “I will remember you and miss you always.” Carrie wiped another tear, folded her notes in half and took her seat next to Hope.

***** 

“I thought the funeral was nice.” Carrie said as Hope drove to Carrie’s mother’s house.

“It was a very nice service. It’s obvious that your grandmother was loved.” Hope reached over and rested her hand on Carrie’s knee, keeping the other hand on the steering wheel.

Hope followed Carrie’s directions and pulled up in front of the house. Several cars were already parked in the driveway and more were parked on the street. Two more cars parked behind them before they even got out of the car.

Carrie started to reach for Hope’s hand as Hope came around the side of the automobile, but put her hands in her coat pockets instead.  Hope gave her a reassuring smile. They walked up the sidewalk to the house.

Once inside the house everyone greeted Carrie with hugs and condolences. People told her repeatedly that she did a great job on the eulogy. She introduced Hope to everyone they encountered as her good friend.

Hope helped as Carrie and her mother put out casseroles, cold cuts, rolls, salads and desserts. Several of the guests had brought some of the food, but Carrie and her mother had made most of it the day before.

It was dark by the time the last visitor left and Carrie asked Hope if she was ready to go. They stopped at Carrie’s house for a change of clothes and spent the night in each other’s arms at Hope’s house.

Chapter 27

“How are you doing this morning?” Hope asked as Carrie flipped a piece of French toast the following Saturday morning in Hope’s kitchen. The faded old tee shirt and sweat pants that Carrie wore belonged to Hope.

“I still find it hard to believe that Gram is gone. But I’m hanging in there. How are you doing? What are you going to do about Derrick?”

“What can I do?” Hope said as she set the table for breakfast. “He has a mind of his own, and I don’t think I’m going to be able to change it. I am going to wait until he comes home for Christmas break, and I’m going to talk to him and Erin. I am going to try to convince them to at least wait a while before they get married.”

“The baby won’t wait,” Carrie said. “How are you feeling about that part of all this? The baby part?”

Hope put a napkin at each setting and placed a fork and knife on top of it. “To be honest, I haven’t really thought about the baby part. I have been so wrapped up in the marriage part.”

“Grandma,” Carrie said in a hushed voice with a smile.

“Grandma?” Hope repeated. “I’m not sure I like grandma. I’m way too young for that.”

“Way too sexy, too,” Carrie said as she set the plate of French toast on the table and wrapped her arms around Hope’s waist from behind. She rested her chin on Hope’s shoulder. “How about Nana? Or G-ma. Oh, I like that. It’s young. It’s hip. It’s modern. G-ma. Come on say it with me. G-ma.”

Hope turned in her arms so they were face to face. “You are crazy, you know.”

“You don’t like G-ma? I love it.”

Hope gave her a kiss on the nose. “I love you. G-ma, I’m not so sure of.” She raised Carrie’s chin slightly and kissed her on the mouth lightly. “Can we eat? That food smells great and I’m starving.”

Carrie reached down and swatted her on the butt. “Is that all you ever think about? Food?”

Hope’s lips formed into a pout. “No,” she said. “I also think about sex… and you…and sex with you.” She released her arms from around Carrie and pulled out a chair for her. “That’s all I think about, food, sex, and you. Not necessarily in that order.”

Carrie sat and pulled the chair closer to the table. She opened her napkin and put it on her lap. “There’s no syrup on this table,” Carrie said looking around. “I slaved over a hot stove for minutes to cook you a great breakfast and you forget the syrup.” She shook her head in mock frustration.

“Sorry, sorry.” Hope retrieved the syrup and put in on the table in front of Carrie. “Here is your syrup. I will never forget the syrup again.” Hope sat and stabbed two pieces of French toast with her fork and shook them off onto her plate. She grabbed the syrup before Carrie had a chance to use it.  After pouring it all over her breakfast, she closed the cover. Rising from the table she said, “I guess we’re all done with the syrup now.” She brought the syrup back to the pantry and returned to the table. By the time she returned to her seat she realized that Carrie had taken her plate and replaced it with her own. Two pieces of French toast sat on the plate, without syrup.

Carrie just smiled and cut into the food in front of her.

Hope got back up. “I guess I forgot to put syrup on mine.” She walked back and retrieved the syrup. She squeezed a generous amount onto her toast, and put the bottle down on the middle of the table. “I could’ve sworn I put syrup on my breakfast before I put the syrup away. Guess I was wrong.”

“Guess so,” Carrie said as she chewed her food. “I said it the first time I met you, and I’ll say it again.”

“That I’m really pretty and super smart and sexy, too?” Hope couldn’t wipe the grin off her face.

“No, I was thinking more along the lines of you being a smart ass.”

“Oh yeah, that’s me.” She cut her food into small pieces and took a bite. “I’m a smart ass. That’s for sure. Mmm, this is really good, by the way. I see you used one of the good pans that were hanging by the stove.”

“I hope you don’t mind that I used it. I probably should have asked first.”

“No, I love that those pans are finally getting some use. In fact you can use them as often as you want.”

“Gee, thanks.” Carrie watched as Hope enjoyed her breakfast. “So, I asked you the question several minutes ago now. Have you had time to think about the answer?”

“What was the question again?” Hope asked as she raised a forkful of food to her mouth.

“How do you feel about the baby?” Carrie watched her as she thought about her answer.

“I’m sure I’ll love the baby. I don’t think that will be a problem. And it really doesn’t bother me to be a grandmother.” She stopped to gather her thoughts. “I think Derrick will make a great father. He has always loved children and been really good with them. All of the neighborhood kids would come over here to see him, even when he was a teenager.”

Hope laughed as a memory floated into her mind. “I remember, not that long ago, Derrick must have been about sixteen at the time. There was this little tiny knock on the door. I wasn’t even sure at the time that I had heard it. Well, anyway when I opened the door, there stood the cutest little boy. He couldn’t have been any older than six or seven. He looked at me with big wide eyes and asked ‘Can Derrick come out to play?’”

“Awww, that’s sweet.”

“Derrick didn’t just brush him off like most teenagers would have done. He asked him to come in and went and got some of his old puzzles from when he was about that age. They sat together for a couple of hours at the kitchen table putting them together and drinking cocoa.”

“Derrick sounds like a special kid,” Carrie said.

“He is. But it’s the kid part that has me so worried. He’s still just a kid himself.”

“Having a baby can make him grow up fast.”

“Too fast. That’s what happened to me. I had to grow up too fast. I had all these responsibilities that were an awful lot for an eighteen year old to handle.”

“Don’t forget that you had an extra burden, making it even harder for you,” Carrie said. She reached across the table for Hope’s hand. “You had the burden of trying to hide who you really were. You had to pretend to be something you weren’t.”

“I don’t think Derrick is doing that. I have been pretty good at reading my son and I think that he really loves Erin. But playing grown up when you are so young is hard. I don’t want him to miss out on life.”

“He’s not going to miss out on life. He’s just not going to have the neat, little, packaged life that you had planned for him. He’ll be okay.” Carrie gave her a reassuring smile. “From what you’ve told me, he’s a smart kid.”

“Apparently not smart enough to use a condom.” Hope half laughed at the statement.

Carrie looked over at her. “Good to see you can laugh about it.”

“It’s either laugh or cry. So I guess laughing is better.”

“Laughing is definitely better,” Carrie said.

Chapter 28

It had been a little more than a week since Gram had died and Carrie spent most of the day crying. She left work early and sat on her couch with her feet curled up underneath her when the doorbell rang.

She blew her nose and got up to answer the door. She was surprised to see Hope standing there.

“Hi,” Carrie said. “What are you doing here?”

“Does that mean you’re glad to see me?”

Carrie smiled and pulled Hope into a hug. “Of course I’m glad to see you. You just don’t usually come over this early on a weekday. How come you aren’t at work?” She pulled Hope into the living room. Hope took off her coat and tossed it on the chair. She sat down on the couch with Carrie.

“I got out of work early. We had a slow day and I kind of lied and told them I had a headache. I just kind of felt like I needed to be with you, and from the amount of used tissues on this coffee table, I’d say I was right.” She rubbed Carrie’s knee. “Not doing too good today, huh?”

“I seem to be all over the place with my emotions this week. I miss my grandmother. I know I haven’t really had her for a while and I knew she wasn’t going to wake up, but I guess a little part of me was really hoping she would wake up. I know that sounds stupid.”

“No. That doesn’t sound stupid at all, honey.”

“It’s like when she died it left a hole in me. Sometimes the hole feels really small, like it’s hardly there, and sometimes the hole feels so big, I’m sure it going to swallow me alive.”

“I’m so sorry you have to go through this,” Hope said. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Your just being here helps, a lot.”

“I could cook us supper, have you eaten today?”

Carrie laughed out loud. “I haven’t seen you cook the whole time I’ve known you. You want to cook now?”

“That’s not true. I made pizza for us and raviolis.”

“You mean that frozen pizza you put in the oven and the frozen raviolis that you boiled?”

“Yeah, well, I opened the boxes by myself.” Hope smiled. “Ok, so I don’t cook too much. I can order delivery pretty darn good. Want me to order us some pizza or Chinese food? Or I can run out and get something, anything you want.”

Carrie opened her arms and reached for Hope. “All I really want at the moment is to have you hold me.”

Hope obliged and pulled Carrie in her arms. She held her head to her chest and stroked her hair gently.

They sat like this for close to an hour before Carrie whispered to Hope. “I’m getting hungry. Did you still want to cook me supper?”

“Sure, I’ll cook you supper. What have you got in the kitchen for me to make?”

“I have a phone.” Carrie said.

“Huh?”

“I have a phone in the kitchen. You can use that to order something for delivery. I’m a little afraid to eat what you might cook,” Carrie grinned.

“Hey. I cooked once. It was a long, long time ago, but I cooked.”

“And what exactly did you cook?” Carrie pulled back and looked at Hope waiting for her answer.

“Um, I remember it had marshmallows and chocolate and crackers…I think graham crackers.” Carrie just looked at Hope. “What?” Hope asked. “I did.”

A huge smile spread across Carrie’s face. “S’mores? You cooked s’mores?”

“Yeah, I was twelve and at Girl Scout camp.”

Carrie swatted at her. “You are so crazy. Go order me a pepperoni pizza and some mild chicken wings, woman.”

Hope got up to go to the kitchen.

“The pizza menu and phone number are attached to the refrigerator with a magnet.” Carrie called to her.

“Boy, you’re bossy,” Hope yelled back.

She was only gone a few minutes when she returned with a glass of red wine. She handed it to Carrie. “Here you go. I thought this would go well with the color of your nose.”

Carrie touched her nose. “I must look terrible, huh?”

“You look beautiful.” Hope sat down next to Carrie again and kissed the top of her red nose. “The pizza should be here in about forty minutes.”

“Thank you for ordering food, for being here and for loving me.”

“Loving you is the easy part.” She leaned back and put her arm around Carrie. “Ordering that food was the hard part.” She looked at her own fingers. “I think I broke a nail dialing that phone.”

“Sorry about that. I’ll make it up to you later.” Carrie snuggled into Hope, being careful not to spill her wine.

Hope took the wine glass from her and sipped it. She made a face and handed the glass back to Carrie.

“Did you just drink some of my wine?” Carrie asked surprised.

“Yeah, just thought I’d try it.”

“And?”

“And, I still don’t like it.”

“Maybe you’ll like it better when you grow up.”

“Maybe. You know what I want to be when I grow up?”

Carrie snuggled in closer to Hope. “What?” Carrie asked.

“A writer.”

“You already are a writer.” Carrie said. She leaned up and kissed Hope softly on the cheek.

“Then I want to be a published writer. I sent some of my poems and short stories to magazines this week.”

Carrie pulled away from Hope so she could look into her eyes. “Oh my God, sweetie, I am so proud of you.” She kissed her on the cheek again and then full on the mouth.

The food arrived forty minutes later, as promised. Hope put two slices of pizza and a few chicken wings on each of two plates in the kitchen and brought them into the living room. She set a plate down on the coffee table in front of Carrie, and sat next to her, her own plate still in her hand.

“I was wondering,” Hope said. “What you were planning for Christmas?”

“Well, I was hoping to be able to spend at least part of the day with you. My mother is going to visit my brother in North Carolina for the holidays. They invited me too, but I…” Carrie stopped.

“You what?” Hope asked setting her plate next to Carrie’s on the table.

Carrie blushed a slight shade of pink. “I really wanted to be closer to you. I didn’t like the thought of you being here and me being there. Even if I don’t get to see you, I wanted to be close to you.” She shook her head. “I know, I know, that sounds all mushy and corny.”

Hope reached for her hand. “No, I think that sounds all romantic and nice.” She smiled. “Could you get any time off from work at Christmas time?”

“We have four days off anyway, and I have plenty of vacation time that I could use.”

“Can you take two weeks off?” Hope asked.

“Sure. Why?”

“Because I wanted to book us a two week cruise over the holidays.”

“What about Derrick?”

“I’m not inviting him. It wouldn’t be nearly as romantic if we had to share a cabin with him,” Hope laughed.

“No. I mean isn’t he coming home for Christmas? Don’t you want to be with him?”

“He is coming home for three days at the beginning of his holiday break and then he is going home with Erin and spending the rest of his Christmas vacation with her and her family. So it’s just you and me, baby. What do you say? Do you think you could put up with me for two solid weeks of togetherness?”

“Hmmm, I’m thinking yes. I’m thinking I would love that.”

“Good, then that’s your Christmas present …a cruise and me.”

“Oh, I can’t wait to unwrap that present.”

“Maybe I’ll give you a sneak peek at your present later,” Hope said.

“I would like that,” Carrie answered and took a big bite of her pizza.

Chapter 29

Derrick leaned back in the dining room chair as he sat across from Hope. The front two legs of the chair came off the ground. Hope looked down at the chair legs and back up at Derrick. Erin hadn’t made the trip with him because she wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to sit through an hour and a half car ride.

He let the front of the chair drop back down so the legs once again touched the floor.

Hope knew she needed to compose herself so she could have this conversation. She looked up and took a deep breath. “All right,” she said to her son. “Tell me what your plans are.”

Derrick looked determined and Hope could tell he was trying to control his temper. “First off, we are getting married and we are raising our baby together. We have already checked into an off campus apartment. I got a job doing maintenance for them so the rent is free.” Derrick watched his mother. “I can still go to all my classes. They know I am a full time college student.” Derrick answered his mother’s question before she got a chance to ask it. He was well rehearsed and had obviously practiced exactly what he was going to say.

“And Erin?”

“Erin will finish out this year. We get out of school for the summer in May. The baby is due at the beginning of August. She is going to take one semester off and then go back to school in January…and before you ask we also checked out day care. They have a program run through the college. Erin is gonna work there one day a week. That will give her more time with the baby and it lowers the cost. We are both trying to get part time jobs to pay for food and baby stuff. Erin may have to wait until after the baby is born. We aren’t sure about that part, yet.”

Hope had to admit to herself that she was impressed by the research and plans her son had made. She wasn’t quite prepared to say that to him, yet. It didn’t make her worry less but at least he had put thought into this. He wasn’t going in blind like she felt she had done. “So what happens in the summer? Will the two of you be coming here to stay?”

“We are going to stay in Buffalo. That way we keep the apartment and Erin’s mother is close by. She lives in Cheektowaga, about twenty minutes away.” Hope couldn’t help but think how grown up her baby sounded.

“What does Erin’s mother think about all this?” Hope asked.

“She reacted pretty much like you did. She’s worried and she’s pissed.” Derrick started to lean back in his chair again and stopped, bringing the chair back down to the floor. “She’s dealing with it. She wants to be there for Erin and for the baby.”

“Sounds like you have this thought out, but do you realize how hard it is to be married and to be a parent? Have you thought about that part, Derrick?”

“Yeah, I think I have. I think I can be a good father because I learned from the best. I guess I will just have to learn the rest as I go along. I just want you to be happy for me Mom, because I am really happy about this.”

“I know. It’s just really hard for me. I went through this Derrick. It’s difficult. I guess I just wanted to protect you from that.” Hope shook her head.

“You can’t protect me from life, Mom. This is my life. This is what I want.”

“All right. I know there isn’t anything I can do at this point. Can you just give it some time and not get married right away?”

“We want to get married in May right after the semester ends. We are just going to have a small wedding. Just a few friends and family.” Hope felt relieved that at least they weren’t going to run off and get married right away.

Hope stood up and motioned for Derrick to do the same. She gave her baby boy a hug. He stood a good eight inches taller than her, but he would always be her baby. “I just need time to process this. All right? I just need a little time.”

“I figured you would,” Derrick said. “Now what do you have in the house to eat? I’m starving.”       

*****

“So it went okay with Derrick?” Carrie asked Hope later that day.

“Yes. As well as it could under the circumstances. It sounds like he and Erin have thought about this and are taking steps in the right direction to make it work. So I decided that I’m not going to worry anymore.”

Carrie laughed. “And how is that working for you?”

“Not too good. I still worry. It’s just so hard to make a marriage work and being so young, it is going to be even harder.”

They were sitting on a wooden bench in the mall, taking a break from Christmas shopping. Santa sat on his big fancy gold chair, not far away. Hope and Carrie could see the children lined up to tell him their Christmas wishes.

“Do you think it was extra hard for you because you didn’t love Tom or do you think it’s that hard anyway?” Carrie asked her.

“Both,” Hope answered honestly.

“What if we were married? Would it be so hard?”

“If you and I were married?”

“Yes, what if you and I were married?”

Hope thought about it for a moment. “I don’t think that would be so hard.”

“And why is that?” Carrie asked.

“Because I love you.” Hope said sheepishly. “All right, it was harder for me because I didn’t love Tom. But, it’s still hard work. I hope that Derrick and Erin are up to it. I keep going back to the same thing in my head. They are both so young.”

Carrie got up, grabbed Hope’s hand, and pulled her up. “Come on,” she said. “We are going to go look at baby clothes. They make the cutest stuff, nowadays. There’s a great store in here where I bought a bunch of stuff for my niece and nephew.”

Hope started to protest, but decided that Carrie was right. There was a baby coming and looking at cute baby things would probably be fun. She might even buy something for her new grandchild if anything caught her eye. My grandchild, Hope thought. She followed Carrie into the store and picked up a tiny pair of canvas sneakers. She held them up for Carrie to see and smiled.

Chapter 30

Hope placed the silverware on the table. She ran her hand nervously through her hair. Derrick sat in the family room playing his video games. Hope yelled for him to lower the volume for the third time.

Hope was making just about the only thing that she could cook with any confidence, spaghetti and meatballs. The sauce was from a jar, but Hope had used that brand many times before and it always came out fine. The pot of water on the stove was just starting to boil.

Once the dining room table was set Hope went back into the kitchen to turn down the flame under the sauce and meatballs.

“Hi,” Carrie said, making Hope jump.

Hope put her hand over her heart. “You startled me. I didn’t hear you come in.”

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. The door was opened so I didn’t bother knocking. Is that okay?”

Hope gave Carrie a kiss on the cheek. “Of course it’s okay. Want some wine?”

“No,” Carrie said holding up a heavy plastic bag. “I brought soda pop. I’ll pour us both a glass. Where’s Derrick?”

“He’s in the family room. Can’t you hear the video game?” Hope added salt to the now fully boiling pot of water.

“Yeah, I can hear it. I just thought someone was in your house shooting a machine gun.” Carrie handed Hope a glass of ginger ale. “Want some help?”

“No,” Hope said, looking at Carrie with her hands on her hips. “I am perfectly capable of cooking us a meal.”

“I have total…partial faith in you and your cooking abilities,” Carrie said with a grin.

Hope opened the box of pasta, poured it into the pot of boiling water, and stirred it. Carrie sat at the kitchen table with her glass of soda.

“You’re nervous, aren’t you?” Carrie asked Hope.

Hope turned toward Carrie, spaghetti fork in hand. “Yes. How did you know? Does it show?”

A grin spread across Carrie’s face. “No, it doesn’t show. I just know you and I can tell.”    

“I love you and I love my son. I want the two of you to be all right with each other. I really want you to like each other. Are you nervous at all?” Hope asked her.

Carrie thought for a moment. “Let’s see. I love you…and you love Derrick. I’m sure I’ll love Derrick and look at me.” Carrie put her arms out wide. “What’s not to love?”

Hope put the fork down and went to Carrie. She put her arms around her and kissed the top of her head. “There is nothing not to love. I think. Did that make sense?”

Carrie lifted her head and pulled Hope’s face to hers and kissed her deep.

“How come every time I walk into a room I see something I shouldn’t?” Derrick asked, leaning against the door jam.

“Because you just walk in without any warning,” Hope said, stepping away from Carrie to go back to her cooking.

“So I should yell something, like, ‘I’m coming in!’ before entering any room in the house?” Derrick joked.

“Something like that,” his mother said.

“Hi Derrick, how are you doing? I brought soda.” Carrie held up her glass. “Would you like some?”

“Hi, Carrie. Sure, I’ll get it.” He poured himself a glass of soda and sat across the table from her. They sat in relative silence and watched Hope cook their meal. She turned to catch them watching her.

“It’s hard enough for me to cook in general. It’s harder with an audience. This will be ready to eat in about ten minutes. The two of you go watch TV or play a video game.”

“Sure, Mom,” Derrick said as he got up. Carrie followed.

“I’m going into the living room now,” Derrick said loudly. He turned to his mother. “How’s that? I warned everyone I was going into the living room.”

“Good job, smarty.”

The two left the room and Hope could hear the television set turn on.

Derrick sat down on the couch, television remote in hand. “Anything you want to watch?” he asked Carrie.

Carrie sat on the other end of the couch. “Whatever you want is fine.” They sat in silence for several minutes. Finally Carrie spoke again. “It’s very important to your mom for the two of us to get along. I would like that, too.” She looked over at Derrick.

“I know,” he said.

“You need to know that I love your mother and I want her to be happy.”

Derrick’s eyes remained on the television as he spoke. “I want her to be happy too. I don’t want her to get hurt.”

“I don’t plan on hurting her. I will do my best to make sure that never happens. I promise you that.”

“I guess me and you got no problems then,” Derrick said.

Five minutes later Hope set a plate of garlic bread on the dining room table and called them to eat.

“I’m coming into the dining room now,” Derrick called loudly a moment before he walked into the room.

“Okay, Derrick, very funny. Sit down and eat,” his mother told him. “Carrie sit here,” Hope said pulling out a chair.

“Thanks,” Carrie said. “Everything looks good.”

“Don’t sound so surprised.” Hope smiled. “I’m pretty sure it’s edible.”

“I’m sure it will be great,” Carrie told her. “It smells really good.” She used the tongs to put a helping of spaghetti on her plate and added a meatball. She passed the tongs to Derrick and took a bite of her food. “Mmm, this is good, Hope.”

“Yeah, it is, Mom,” Derrick added after he took a bite.

“Thanks.” Hope passed the plate of garlic bread. “So Derrick, tell Carrie about your art class at school. She’s an artist you know.”

Carrie looked at Derrick waiting for him to respond. He swallowed a mouth full of food and said. “It’s a figure drawing class. We did some gesture drawings the other day. We get to work from a live model. It’s actually pretty cool.”

“That’s great,” Carrie said. She glanced briefly at Hope.

“Carrie does oil painting. She did two figure paintings using me as a model. She’s almost done with the last one. They are going to be in a show in New York City in April.”

Derrick looked from his mother to Carrie. Hope was trying to read his reaction to her statement. “Isn’t that great?” she added.

“Yeah, that’s really cool. Is it at some sort of museum or something?” Derrick said.

“It’s at a gallery in Manhattan. I’ve had several of my paintings in exhibits there before. I was hoping to take your mom there for the opening weekend of the show. You’re more than welcome to come along if you want…Erin, too.”

“I don’t think we can go because of school and Erin being pregnant and all. But thanks.”

“So, where is Erin, Derrick? How come she didn’t come with you for this visit?” Carrie asked him.

Derrick reached for a third piece of garlic bread. “She’s been throwing up so she went to her house. Her mom wanted to help her out and take care of her. I’m going there tomorrow, and spending Christmas with them. Mom told me you guys are going on a cruise for Christmas.” He stuffed a large chunk of garlic bread into his mouth.

“Yes. I’m really looking forward to it. I’ve never been on a cruise before,” Carrie said.

“It should be very exciting.”

“Yeah,” Derrick said through the bread in his mouth. “Me and Mom and Dad went on a cruise when I was ten. It was really fun.”

Hope looked at Carrie to see if hearing about her going on a cruise with Tom bothered her. If it did Carrie didn’t let it show.

“Where did you go?” Carrie asked him.

“To the Caribbean,” Hope answered.

“Well, I can’t wait to go.” She rubbed Hope’s knee under the table and smiled at her.

This is going well, Hope thought and she let herself relax.

Chapter 31

Hope took the sheet of paper she had printed out early and folded it in half. She put it, and the envelope that arrived in yesterday’s mail into the front pocket of her soft leather carry on case and zipped it closed. She pulled her matching suitcase out of the hall closet and put it on top of the bed. She carefully packed her clothes into the suitcase. The last thing she added was a lacy lingerie nightgown that she had recently purchased from the Victoria’s Secret store at the mall. A smile crossed Hope’s face. She was sure she would put the nightgown to good use. Not that she thought she would be wearing it for long. She had never had a desire to put on something sexy to go to bed in before. She definitely had the desire now. Carrie brought out a lot of desires in her. She felt herself get moist just thinking about it.

When she had finished packing she brought her suitcase and carry on bag down the stairs and set them by the front door.

Hope took a mental inventory. Bags are packed and ready to go…timers on the lights are set so it looks like someone’s home…thermostat is set lower …back doors are locked… I’ll lock the front door when I leave.  Anything else I’m forgetting? She asked herself. No, I think that’s it.

She put on her coat and gloves and headed out the door with her suitcase and bag. She could see her breath in the bitter cold air. She would be happy to be in warmer weather soon. Cold air shot out of the heater as Hope started the car. She quickly turned the fan off to stop the rush. She pointed her car in the direction of Carrie’s house and two full weeks of togetherness.

Carrie was all packed and almost ready to go when Hope arrived. She put homemade cookies into a Ziploc bag and put them into a small backpack. “A snack for later,” she said. “Okay, I think that’s it. I’m ready to spend time with my ladylove. That’s you,” she told Hope and kissed her.

Carrie picked up the backpack.  Besides the cookies, it contained the zebra wood pen that she had bought for Hope nearly three months earlier and a small diamond pendant on a delicate gold chain that she had purchased just last week. Both were wrapped for Christmas.

Carrie added her suitcase to Hope’s in the trunk of Hope’s car and got into the passenger seat.

Hope reached for her hand. “Ready for our adventure?” she asked.

Carrie squeezed Hope’s hand. “Yes,” was her simple answer. Hope backed out and they drove to the airport to catch a flight to Florida and the port where they would depart for their cruise.

About thirty minutes into their flight Carrie took the cookies out of her bag and offered one to Hope.

“Thanks,” Hope told her. “I have something for you, too.” She pulled her leather case from under her seat and opened the pocket in the front, extracting the envelope she had put there earlier. She handed it to Carrie.

“What’s this?” Carrie asked her.

“Open it and see.”

Carrie pulled the flap of the envelope open and pulled out a neatly typed letter. Carrie began to read the letter to herself. Her face suddenly lit up with the realization of what she read. She looked at Hope. Hope’s face broke into a wide grin. “You’re having one of your poems published. You’re going to be a published author.” She gave Hope a tight hug. “I am so proud of you. You did it. See I told you you were good.” Her smile was as wide as her face would allow.

She leaned back in her seat and reread the letter. The smile overtook her again. “What a great way to start this trip,” she said to Hope.

“ I have one more thing for you.” Hope told her as she pulled out the printed sheet of paper. “It’s a poem I wrote for you,” she told Carrie as she unfolded the paper and handed it to her. Carrie read it and her eyes filled with tears.

My hearts been handled carelessly

In ways ugly to tell

So I’ve bombed all the bridges and armed the battlements

Safely ensconced in my shell

Like a fugitive

Too combative

This no way to live

Now I wish I could say that I treat myself kind

But that would be a lie

Cause I hold myself tight and grasp and fight and I self crucify

Can a soft caress bring me happiness

End this loneliness

The only thing I know for sure

To avoid regret and strife

Is to not let fear run and rule your life

I’m going to put my faith in you

I’m going to put my faith in me

I’m going to put my faith in the greater powers that be

I’m going to give up

And surrender to the lessons yet to learn

Because since our first kiss I constantly yearn

And I’m willing to open this door for you

Just walk slowly through

Isn’t it time for me to trust again

Let the past go, learn to love again

Maybe this time, I’ll be in safe hands

Carrie brushed away a tear as she finished reading the poem, and gave Hope a soft kiss on the cheek. “I love it,” she whispered, “I love you.”

Hope smiled at her. “The feeling is very much mutual.” She took Carrie’s hand and leaned back in her seat. This was going to be the best vacation of her life.