Her

Published by Janell Loveland

Copyright 2011 Janell Loveland

Smashwords Edition

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As I blow my nose with the last tissue from the second box of Kleenex, I can't help the wayward and depressing way my thoughts are turning. I don't want to be sad, I feel I have cried all I can, and yet, the tears fall endlessly.

The door has closed on the last five years of my life and I can do nothing but sit here as her footsteps retreat farther and farther away from me. Us.

Did you know that love can light a fire inside you so bright that even the deepest darkness dare not attempt to penetrate it? Did you know that that fire can burn a whole so deep in your soul that you'd pray for it to wither and turn to ash only to be free from the pain?

All those years ago, what seems like an eternity now, I'd aimlessly drifted in a loveless, smile free existence. Then, she found me. Showed me what love could be. Freed me from my insecurities. And with each passing day in her arms, I learned to smile again. Learned to dream again. Learned not to allow my gaze to waver when faced with the previously hollow reflection of myself.

When I glanced at me today, I almost didn’t recognize myself. Once a vibrant and beautiful soul, now turned withered and old with the knowledge of dreams lost. I'd soared with her, rose to heights I never though possible. I had found again that once, blissfully happy, childlike version of myself. The me that smiled with my whole soul. Full lips turning up so high that hazel eyes rejoiced and danced.

Eyes once wide with ignorance, looking blindly to what the heart said was true. Now, those eyes droop with salt water laced heartbreak.

And it's as I'd feared, hopes shattered, heart battered. The once confident me replaced with doubt. An open well in me now piled high with 'what if's' and 'what could have been's'. Still I plummet, falling so deep into the endless abyss I fear there will be no rope long enough to save me.

Eyes closed, face drawn with lines of morning. Invisible to others, I feel the black veil as if it is now a permanent part of me. Twin hazel orbs weep rage for what was, for what should have been. I will always mourn for her and I.

The strongest of friends is what we strive to relive again.

“This will give us time to grow, time to find what is meant to be. For me, forever with you has always been what I see.”

I long for her words to put me at ease, ache for the comfort her arms give as they enfold me in their now friendly embrace.

And still, my heart brakes as I watch her flap her newly unbound wings.

The insecure, self esteem trampled devil in me whispers dirty little questions in my ear. Urging me to ask.

Is this how you comforted that woman? held her in your now more than friendly embrace and said you were meant for each other? Is it true that you go behind my back to see her?

Violated trust, pieces of you that have merged with pieces of me so now you give her pieces of us?

Chipping away at a once thriving partnership, giving away our happiness.

I can't handle the knowledge that I had a hand in this. That I unknowingly pushed her into the arms of the one I once called friend. Whether hers or mine, that woman holds all the secrets. A master manipulator, I'm afraid she will not see until its to late.

Tissues litter the ground like hundreds of crumpled and broken promises. And still I cry. I use my shirt sleeve to wipe the hot sadness from my red, sore face. I sniffle and am rewarded with the heart wrenching smell of her. All Coolwater and soap. Clean and sexy.

I cannot refute that time apart may be whats best. All the deceit has put our love to the ultimate test. Can we remain friends with the possibility of more? Or will it be to late when you realize your mistake?

The connection we have shared has always been unprecedented. The sentences I say she finishes, the lyrics she sings I mimic. Will that woman be the perfect partner she has made herself out to be?

I will miss her. Her smile, genuine angel or guilty and sexy. She's scatterbrained and even though its sometimes frustrating, it always makes me laugh. Good or bad, she's the first person I want to share everything with.

The taste of her, sweet and spicy, like the most authentic piece of baklava. The sound of her passion filled voice as she pleads with me, cries words of submission and love.

A two year friendship morphed into a five year relationship and it pains me to know I have loved her for seven years. Will surely love her for forever more.

For as much as I tease her, for as much as I have made her feel unappreciated, not special or even nothing more than a friend. I will forever be sorry. Forever feel punished.

Thinking of the times we have laughed and loved, fought and cried, I find myself now free of tears. The beauty that was once us will always make me smile. I will always hold to the possibility of seeing her against the vibrant blue of the Mediterranean Sea. Her olive skin twinkling in the light of her ancestors. Will what was once our dreams ever become a reality?

Should I let my battered heart believe? That all she needs is this time and then she will come back to me?

Should I have to wait? No. But will I wait because it's her? Yes.

The sound of the door knob pulls be from my thoughts and worries. She walks in and I can't help the little jig my traitorous heart dances. I scowl at it and then try for a half halfhearted smile for her.

She walks straight for me, arms out stretched, face mirroring my sorrow. Is she as broken up as me? I blindly walk to her. Embrace her, knowing my heart could be broken further still.

“I will always love you, more than anything.”

And with that, I know it's not goodbye. Our love is far to strong, far to woven in the people that we have become together. I know that I too, will always love her.

The end

About The Author:

I love to write, it is my outlet for everything. I can't talk for the life of me. Every wonderful thought gets lost in translation on the way to my mouth and I end up sputtering gibberish. So if we need to talk, be prepared for a letter, or else I won't make a lick of sense. If you would like to read more from me, feel free to follow the link below to my other Smashwords page.

https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/EveLove