Table of Contents

About the Author

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty-One

Chapter Twenty-Two

Chapter Twenty-Three

Chapter Twenty-Four

Chapter Twenty-Five

Copyright © 2012 by H. Rachelle Graham

Bella Books, Inc.

P.O. Box 10543

Tallahassee, FL 32302

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Printed in the United States of America on acid-free paper

First published 2012

Editor: Katherine V. Forrest

Cover Designer: Judith Fellows

ISBN 13: 978-1-59493-296-0

PUBLISHER’S NOTE

The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book via the Internet or via any other means without the permission of the publisher is illegal and punishable by law. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions, and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials. Your support of the author’s rights is appreciated.

About the Author

H. Rachelle Graham started writing before she learned how to walk. She published over 300 articles in book anthologies, magazines and newspapers. Her favorite thing to do, besides write, is vacation on the beach or swim in nearby lakes. Her kid is her pet miniature dachshund, who recently turned five. She is always seen buried in a teen book, and not only for research. She lives in Salt Lake City with her family, who for the most part accept her bisexuality.

Dedication

To my parents, Glenn and Flo Graham, for their overflowing love and support in everything I do. To my sisters; Angie, Clover and Eve who are there for me in good times and bad. To Ricki Landers for all she did when she was alive; she is an inspiration to all. To my dog, Faith, who loves me unconditionally. To true friends, like Jeff Park, who are rare and worth more than money. To an extended family who watch out for me and support me.

I’d like to acknowledge Bella Books and Katherine V. Forrest for her many hours working on my book. To many experts in the field who have given me advice no matter how harsh. Thanks to all the critique groups I’ve been a part of and their belief in me, including one in New York City who changed my writing world.

Chapter One

Changes

Hailey Mancini pushed in her locker code from memory and opened her Sierra backpack, pushing back her Book of Mormon to retrieve her navy jeans and purple halter top. She laid them out on the bench and moved to the showers, but kept her swimsuit on. She lowered her gaze to the floor to avoid looking at the few naked girls in the shower with her.

Big mistake. She collided hard with someone. Hailey shivered as she moved away from the naked body in front of her. Her eyes roamed over the girl’s soft legs and shaved private part and then passed a belly button ring and ivy tattoo on her flat stomach. Her head landed inches from the girl’s naked breasts. Hailey’s heart froze with fear. As much as she tried to move her legs, they wouldn’t budge.

“Sorry,” she started to say, speaking more to the floor than to the beautiful girl. All of her nerves screamed out for relief. She had to get away and fast. She couldn’t just stay there.

At last. Lisa, her best friend, grabbed her and led her into another shower.

“It’s like she’s never touched a naked body before,” the girl said from behind her.

Hailey looked up as Lisa exchanged a glance with the model-looking girl and said. “She doesn’t get out much. You’re Megan right?”

She knew her. How did Lisa know her? Hailey had never even seen her before.

“Hey you,” Megan smiled at Lisa and wrapped a towel around her body, “nice to see you for once among the living.”

“My blood’s pumping.” Lisa reached out to give the girl a hug.

Gag, they weren’t flirting, were they? Are they old friends or something? And the hug was still going and it’d been forever.  

Hailey watched them finally release their embrace. She turned the shower knob and let the water pour on her chlorinated hair, wanting to go forward in time to her bedroom with a platter of creamy nachos and a good television show.

“Hey, let me write down my digits.” Megan pulled a marker out of a nearby backpack dropping the towel in the process. Not even bothering to cover herself up, Megan gave the marker to Lisa and held out her hand for her to write on.

Oh, my gosh. Why was Lisa writing on Megan’s arm with her breasts so close by and she didn’t even bother covering up the lower part of her body that didn’t even have hair on it? Didn’t this girl have any shame? Why was Lisa giving the naked girl her number?

Megan finally put on a blue silk shirt over her curvy breasts and black jeans on her sculpted legs. “I’ll call you later.”

Lisa turned on the shower, still in her bathing suit. “Sure. We can go grave-robbing.”

Megan laughed. “Let’s do it.”

Hailey ran her fingers through her hair. What were they talking about? She wished she could go home and take her shower at home like she always did after practice. If Lisa would just learn how to drive a car without running into something, she wouldn’t be in this situation.

“Hope to run into you again even if it’s in the cemetery again.  Maybe this time we can steal some flowers.”

Hailey jumped in before thinking. “That’s wrong!”

The two of them shared a look. “Mormon,” they both said in unison.

“You are too,” Hailey said to Lisa. “At least I thought,” she mumbled to the shower faucet.

Megan winked at Lisa before stepping away. The team door closed a few seconds later.

“What’s she doing here? She’s not on the team,” Hailey said, feeling her face return to normal. She rinsed her hair before turning back to her friend.

“I don’t know.” Lisa shrugged. “Why?”

Hailey raised her eyebrows. “Do you know her?”

“Not well, just seen her at the cemetery.” Lisa loved to go there; it was the only place, she said, that seemed quiet enough to think.

Hailey wanted to ask another question, but she didn’t know where to start. She had so many. Like, what was Lisa doing in a graveyard in the first place?

Lisa leaned over to her, still wearing her purple team swimsuit. “You think she’s smoking hot, don’t you?”

Horror spread through Hailey’s nerves. “No way. She’s a girl.” She dropped her soap.

“I noticed. And she looks delicious.” Hailey’s face expressed her disapproval so she added, “Relax, I’m kidding.”

Lisa’s sense of humor normally didn’t bother her, but today she wanted to put some tape over her mouth to get her to shut up. Why had she offered to drive Lisa today? And what in the world was she talking about? “What do you mean?” She picked up the soap again.

“She’s a lesbian.”

“What’s that?”

Lisa widened her shaped eyebrows. “You’re joking, right?”

Hailey shook her head.

“You live in a bubble,” Lisa sighed, before continuing. “She’s a homosexual. You know, someone who is attracted to the same sex.”

“I know what that is,” Hailey rubbed the soap on top of her purple swimsuit, trying to get the chlorine out.

“Good, I’m finally speaking your language.”

“It’s evil,” Hailey said.

Homosexuality was a grave sin and it was next to murder in Heavenly Father’s eyes. Anyone living that lifestyle was doomed to eternal damnation and there would be consequences in this life, like AIDS or STDs.

“You need to get out once in a while,” Lisa said flippantly, turning off the shower and glaring at her before walking away. “The Church may be right about some things, but other times its wrinkly leaders are as clueless as can be. It’s a scientific fact that sexuality is determined unchangeably by age five and sometimes as early as birth.”

Why was she speaking so harshly against the one true Church? Her friend had never passionately kept the commandments and standards of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but she’d never sounded angry before. She used to stand up during the first sacrament meeting of the month to share her belief in the Mormon Church. But, the last time had been about a year ago. She was probably going through the motions to appease her family. “The prophets are always right. Don’t you believe that?”

“Actually no, I used to. I think they’re old-fashioned.”

“I can’t believe you’re saying such horrible things against God, his Church and its leader.” Hailey dropped her jaw. “What’s your damage?” She turned off the faucet and jerked out the knots in her hair. She stepped up to her locker, located right next to Lisa’s.

“I knew you wouldn’t understand.”

A film of sadness shimmering in her friend’s hazel eyes caused Hailey’s anger to subside.

“Forget it for now, okay?” Lisa closed her locker door. She had dressed; her green halter top and navy blue jeans complemented her strawberry hair.

Hailey didn’t want to forget about it and she doubted she could anyway. She studied her friend; the curls were coming back into her hair, but her usual dimply smile was gone. She had no makeup on for a change, and Hailey liked it when she was natural, especially since she had long eyelashes and rosy cheeks. But, even with her inner and outer beauty she’d never once had a boyfriend, only a few random first kisses with church boys.

“You getting dressed anytime today?”

Hailey nodded slowly and grabbed her clothes to take into the bathroom. She didn’t have to take a leak; she just hated dressing in front of other people. She stayed in the stall as long as she could; attempting to make sense of the strangest conversation she’d ever had in her life.

Lisa had started watching R-rated movies a few years ago even though the Church forbade it even to its adult members. But, she’d always gone to Church seminary and never seemed to disbelieve the teachings. Sure, she wasn’t as strict as her brother, who was also Hailey’s boyfriend. But, talking about girls like she thought they were tasty or delicious or whatever—she’d never said anything like that before. Something was really wrong with her. Hailey had to fix her friend before she went down the wrong path; the one leading to Hell, not Heaven.

“Did you jump in?” Lisa knocked on the stall. “I’ve got to pretend to do my chores and I’m starving.”

Buckling her jean pocket, Hailey stepped out of the restroom and followed her friend back to the swim lockers to get her book bag and then out into the fresh air.

It was cold for early October weather; Utah could never make up its mind from day to day what season it wanted to be.

The senior quarterback waved to his teammates and then stopped right in front of the two of them, focusing his attention exclusively on Lisa.

“Hi Scott,” Hailey whispered, but he didn’t seem to hear her. Scott wore his team uniform, the dark purple and gold complementing his tan complexion and sandy hair.

“You’re going to the homecoming dance with me.” He said this to Lisa as if it was a statement, not a question.

Lisa laughed. “In your dreams, steroid boy.”

He started walking away, but he turned back around to add, “Oh, I’ll be the one in your dreams if you’d give me a chance.”

“More like my nightmares,” Lisa called back.

“Did the chlorine destroy your brain cells?” Hailey asked as Scott entered his black Hummer and drove away.

Lisa shrugged.

Hailey threw her backpack on top of her car. “He’s the most popular guy in school. He’s smart, good-looking and athletic.” Shaking her head, she clicked her white BMW doors open.

“So?” Lisa threw her backpack in the rear seat.

“You’re a sophomore and he’s a senior. And he’s dating one of my sister’s friends.” Kelsey was on the varsity drill team, which the popular junior and senior girls belonged to.

“I know who he is.” Lisa got in the passenger side and closed the door. Immediately, the convertible top started going up.

Hailey sighed, getting her backpack as it landed on the floor. She hopped into the front seat, closing the top. “It’s freezing.”

Lisa shrugged, not arguing for a change or making a sarcastic remark.

Hailey frowned at her friend before she started the engine. Then she stomped the gas pedal, leaving the empty parking lot like it was on fire. She needed to feel the power that came from driving. Everything suddenly seemed out of her control except the car.

The desert was a blur as they flew at highway speeds to their houses a few miles to the east side, the richest part of the city. Hailey leaned over to push the number to open the gated community of White Hills and followed the curvy mountain road up past a few grand houses before reaching her own.

Hailey drove into her private driveway and parked her car next to her older sister’s identical car; except her sister’s was red and it already had a few dents in it.

Before the car had even stopped, Lisa jumped out and walked to her large brick house next door, passing their shared pool. She threw her left hand out for a backward wave.

Hailey wanted to go to her heated pool or Jacuzzi for an hour, but her stomach growled at her. Although she needed the comfort of water to clear her thoughts, she’d have to wait until after she ate some food.

Hailey punched in the code to get into her house, and then called to her parents on the intercom system.

“What?” Kelsey asked over her loud pop music.

“Where’s Mom and Dad?” she demanded of her sister on the intercom.

“Gone. Thank God.”

Why did Kelsey have to take the Lord’s name in vain? Hailey took a deep sigh, “Where?” After a few moments of silence, she repeated the question, but once again only static from the intercom echoed back.

“The usual, clueless,” Kelsey finally said, her voice so loud it made Hailey jump. “Where the fucking else?”

“Don’t say that word in this household,” Hailey said, sounding to herself eerily like Mom.

Dad must be at the lab doing a science research project. Mom was probably shopping with the money Dad had inherited from his rich parents after they had passed away when Hailey was younger. Hailey’s grandparents had owned and sold one of the largest fast-food chains in the world.

Hailey placed her keys in the family basket and then flipped through the mail on the kitchen counter. On the refrigerator was a note: We’ll both be gone for dinner, take care of each other and remember Jesus Loves You.

Grabbing a protein bar, she went straight to the pool. She wanted to see Trent, but his family rarely used the pool. It was actually the Mancini’s pool, but Hailey’s family gave the Whites a key. Not that they couldn’t afford their own pool. It was no coincidence that the name of the subdivision was White Hills. Lisa and Trent belonged to the most prestigious and wealthy family in all of Smithville; they owned acres of land in the city and one of the largest construction businesses in the West. Trent had his own baseball field in the backyard.

Hailey dove into the warm pool, the chlorine bubbles releasing the stress of her day. When had Lisa started turning anti-Mormon on her? She’d always gone to Church. Of course, her parents made her go, but still. She never seemed to have a problem with it before.

Every time she performed a stroke or a flip, the memory of Megan’s naked flesh burned inside her. She tried to swim harder, to erase the images in her head, but it wasn’t working.

“Fetch!” Hailey exclaimed, pulling a muscle in her right leg. She climbed out of the pool and into the Jacuzzi, making sure the sore part of her leg was in the direct line of the soothing jet.

Every time she closed her eyes, the girl’s breasts appeared. Why did the closeness and nakedness cause such a reaction in her? She’d seen Lisa naked a few times, but that was when they were younger, and she was a swimmer so it wasn’t like she didn’t see naked girls every day. She didn’t really look at any of them though. When Lisa wasn’t with her, she waited until she got home to take a shower. She chewed on her lip, trying to push her confusion away.

What was Lisa talking about? Why would she say I’d think a girl was smoking hot? That was absurd. I have a boyfriend. We never make out or fool around but that’s his choice not mine. He wants to wait till we’re married to be that intimate. No one’s really gay or lesbian. Are they?

Sweating from the heat, Hailey climbed out. She picked up her protein bar and sat on the lawn chair. But the food didn’t taste right to her. She threw the uneaten bar in the trash can. Nothing seemed right. Why couldn’t she just erase this whole day and start all over again? She felt, somehow, as if nothing was ever going to be the same again.

Chapter Two

Buried

A peppy song blared on her satellite. Lisa hit the remote to change the station, ending up on Sounds of Sunday. A high soprano voice of Marie Osmond singing “I Am a Child of God.”  Throwing the remote out the window of her midnight-blue Porsche, it shattered on the dirt road. It was nice to have her car back from the shop, but now she’d have to go back to get a new remote.

Lisa stopped her car in the middle of the Smithville graveyard, in front of an industrial-sized gravestone of her dead relative. She hadn’t come here to mourn her mom’s second cousin’s great-great-grandfather, a key Church leader in the 19th century. The endless pioneer stories her mom dragged on and on about were times of torture.

As she closed the door to her Porsche behind her, the stink of deer poop and the heated inversion layer made Lisa want to puke. It was right before closing time and the moon had started to ascend the sky. Crickets chirped as if they were playing with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

Lisa scanned the graveyard, making sure no one was there. A resting deer lay in front of a headstone and squirrels scampered up the trees. She envied the wild animals. She wished she could be free to roam anywhere and not have to answer to anyone.

She clicked her key chain button to open the trunk and retrieved a small shovel and her worn, juice-stained Book of Mormon. She found a moist patch of dirt, ready for the digging. A part of her wanted to get busted so her parents would notice; she was so tired of their preaching and acting like they were so perfect all the damn time, and they had no idea she was the type of person they hated.

Lisa kicked the large stone. Her mom was so proud of her lineage and how her relatives crossed the plains to (Utah) or Zion; what Mormons still referred to as the Promised Land.

“Bullshit,” Lisa said, while she stuck her shovel into a patch of dirt. “No one’s promised anything and this Land is as shitty as they come.” She tossed a patch of dirt on another grave, not caring that part of it landed on the headstone. The grave-keepers were just going to clean it up, anyway.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing,” a familiar voice called.

Turning around, Lisa tripped on a rock and fell into the small hole she had dug. Lisa prepared to bolt to her car until she noticed Megan standing in front of her. Everything about her yelled New York City not small-town Utah. Her long, sculpted legs seemed to go on forever and her slightly curvy hips led to her flat, ring-pierced stomach. Her boobs were at least a late B cup and her straight, dark hair went down to her waist but had the bounce to be on one of those shampoo commercials.

Megan stepped closer. “Scared you into kissing dirt, didn’t I?” The one pimple on her cheek stood out because it was the only part of her olive face that wasn’t perfect. “You okay?”

“Barely,” Lisa said. Why did she have to run into one of the coolest girls in school when she probably looked like she needed to go to the insane asylum? Megan was brand new to Smithville High and wasn’t in any of her classes. If she even went to classes? She stuck with the stoner crowd and was the only kid in school who was out, but the gossiping and catcalling didn’t seem to bother her in the least. “Hey, funny running into you again amongst the dead.”

Megan shrugged. “What can I say? I just enjoy visiting dead people. Sometimes they seem more real than regular people. Plus, we made a date, right?”

Butterflies danced through Lisa. In order to hide her nervousness, she picked the shovel up and tossed a patch of dirt over her torn Book of Mormon.

“You know, I can have you arrested. You’re on public property.” Megan reached behind her back as if to pull out a gun. “Put your hands above your head.”

Lisa dropped the shovel and raised her hands, all the air in her body going to her head.

The grin on Megan’s face gave her lie away. She could pass for someone in her twenties, but she couldn’t pass for a cop, unless she was undercover. Maybe, if Utah people wore those kinds of outfits, Lisa thought, but here we were twenty or thirty years, at least, behind New York City. “Relax.” Megan opened the black case to reveal a shiny pocketknife.

“Isn’t that illegal?”

“Maybe,” Megan said, placing the knife back in her tight black jeans.

Lisa cracked her knuckles. “Are you trying to be a high-school student by day, undercover cop at night?”

“I wish.” Megan stepped on top of a man’s grave and spread her legs. “You know I envy him. I envy all of them.” She scanned the cemetery with a jealous scowl. “They get to rest forever in death, an end to pain.”

“Morbid much,” Lisa said, feeling like a hypocrite as she kicked dirt over her Book of Mormon. “What made you so cynical?”

“Wish I could answer that, babe, but we’re about to die.” Megan pointed to a wrinkly guy carrying a weed cutter as if it were a chainsaw.

After taking a breath, Lisa picked up her shovel and threw it in the trunk. She jumped in as the axe murderer-like guy closed in on them.

“I called the cops,” he screamed in a raspy voice.

He was either a smoker or someone who was just too ancient to make the sprint without sounding like he was on the verge of collapsing.

Megan jumped into the Porsche like she was supposed to be in Lisa’s car. “This guy is going to need a plot of his own pretty soon.”

“What? Where’s your vehicle?”

“Huh?” Megan said, focusing all her attention on the maniac who was following them.

The grave-keeper banged a hand on the window. He opened his mouth to say something, but was too busy huffing for oxygen to get any words out.

“Use that weed cutter on me and my dad will sue your ass off!” Lisa screamed through the closed window.

“What the hell you waiting for, girl?” Megan asked as sirens came from close by. “You find handcuffs kinky or something?”

Lisa finally kicked on her gas pedal, but the idiotic guy tried to get in front of her, so she had to reverse at top speed. Luckily, driving was something she had a natural knack for. She barely managed to miss everything in her way, including the deer that tried to get in her path. Out on the main road, Lisa slowed down the Porsche. She couldn’t afford to get any more tickets and definitely to not have another accident, even if it was some granny’s fault. Her life was a nightmare without her fast wheels. Driving was the only thing that kept her sane in this messed up world. “So how are you liking Smith-hell?” she asked Megan.

“A normal hick town where people brainlessly listen to a religious demigod.” Megan adjusted her black French-styled hat. “My mom said she needed space to think, but what she really needed was the chance to spend time alone trying to pick up rich men. So she shipped me out to the worst hellhole in the nation where Joe Smithville, or whatever the hell that guy’s name was, ruled the town even though he’d been dead for three hundred years.”

Lisa sighed with relief. Boy, was it nice to hear someone with a different opinion around here. “Less than two hundred years.”  When Megan raised her eyebrows, she added. “My mom’s practically in love with the man.”

Megan chuckled. “What’s a good girl like you doing out defacing public property?”

Lisa tried to smile, but couldn’t. “I’m not good.”

“You are who you are.”

“Needed to get rid of a book I never want to read again. Hours and hours wasted on a book of fiction.”

Megan raised her eyebrows. “What book?”

“Book of Mormon.”

Megan placed her long legs on the dashboard and turned to her. “Not so sure I understand this state. Everyone is trying so hard to be perfect, they’re miserable. In New York we know we’re not perfect, we just pretend to look like we are. And most of us are happy, at least I am.”

Lisa grinned for real this time.

Megan smiled, flashing her straight white teeth. “But I’m far from perfect and as evil as they come.” She stuck out her pierced tongue, moving it up and down, like she was going down on a girl.

Lisa had never seen a real girl do that. Something tingled down below. She stared at Megan as the wind blew her luxurious dark hair out the window, causing Lisa to barely miss a semi-trailer on the freeway. Megan looked like a goddess who had just stepped out of a CW teen series. How come none of the boys at school ever made her feel this way?

A horn blared, bringing her attention to her driving. A man in a Chevy truck honked as he passed by.

Megan leaned over, sticking her head out the driver’s side window and flipping the man the bird. The sweet strawberry smell of Megan’s perfume and the soft touch of her shoulder caused Lisa to swerve over the yellow lines. Luckily Megan sat back down in the passenger seat, making it easier to drive straight. A yellow Toyota drove by, passing them at high speed.

“Hey, you know this car has like twice the speedometer capabilities as that piece-of-shit truck, don’t you?”

Lisa nodded, driving off the freeway ramp and getting stuck at the light at the bottom. She wished she were as carefree as Megan. What would it feel like to stop pretending to be the way God wanted her to be and actually start living the way she wanted?

“Well, now is as good a time as any,” she said. Oops, I meant to just say that in my head.

“Huh?”

Lisa waited until the flow of cars had died down and checked in her mirrors for signs of cops before hitting the accelerator on her Porsche and running a red light.

“Hell, yeah. Now we’re entering the dark side. Thank goddess. Joe Smithville, here we come to shake up your closeted town.”

Luckily, no blue and red lights flickered.

Lisa slowed down as she approached her house, turning into the driveway.

“So have you told your holier than thou friends and—” Megan started to say and then stuck her head out of the window at the multimillion dollar brick house Lisa lived in came into sight. “—your royal parents that you’re tweaking for the other team?” she finished, bumping her elbow into Lisa’s side.

What? Is she talking about what I think she’s talking about?

Megan read the tense expression on her face. “Relax, your secret’s safe with me. But why did you bring me here? I’m not exactly parent-friendly material. My living space is on the far west side of town, with the other moving houses.”

“Huh?” Lisa asked, trying to process everything. She wasn’t quite sure she hadn’t asked where she lived or why she had brought her here. Her mind must be a century away. Her mother would freak if she saw her new friend, with all the piercing and the stomach vine tattoo that was exposed with her short shirt. Lisa sighed; exhausted from living the way her mother or Heavenly Father wanted her to. She was going to do what she wanted for a change.

“You know the ones your housekeepers live in?”

“I know,” Lisa finally said, taking in a deep breath. “I don’t care so much. Can you come in?” She wanted to get to know her better. She wished more than anything to date her. And Lisa couldn’t do that without spending more time with her.

“Can’t. Was supposed to check in with the new step-mummy and drunk daddy hours ago.” Megan opened the door, looking ready to jump out.

“I’ll drive you,” Lisa said, sounding a lot more eager than she wanted too. She swallowed before adding, “I mean if you want.”

“I want.” Megan grinned, closing the door.

Then Lisa’s mom opened the front door and came out. Oh shit. Pretending not to see Mommy Dearest, Lisa drove off as fast as possible.

“You’re awesome. You’re evil, just like me,” Megan said, as they entered the poorer side of town. “As a Mormon chick, I figure no one has popped your cherry yet?”

“Huh?” This girl wasn’t afraid to be as blunt as humanly possible. One look in her rearview mirror showed Lisa’s face turning a shade of scarlet.

“I have,” Megan said. “With a girl almost, but I slept with three different boys. Just one time each though.”

“Thought you were a-a—?” Embarrassingly, Lisa struggled with the word.

“I am.” Lisa gave her a questioning look, so Megan went on. “With a guy it’s safe. Doesn’t hurt as much to let him in and have him break your heart. But with a girl, it’d cut deeper.”

“I guess that makes sense. Sort of.”

“There’s my Hilton.” Megan pointed to a broken-down trailer that didn’t look big enough for one person. The front yard was trash-infested and the lawn looked as if it hadn’t been clean since 1985. Lisa drove hesitantly into the narrow driveway.

A fat bearded man sporting a wife-beater T-shirt came out of the house and yelled at Megan. “’Bout time you fucking got here, we need the trailer clean. We’re going out for a few days.”

Megan silently mouthed the words, “Thank God.” She turned away from Lisa and hopped out of the Porsche.

“When did you score so fucking big?” the man asked, slapping Megan’s back. “And she’s hot. Think she wants to come along and drive us in style?”

Gross. Was that her father? What a complete douche bag. And her mother, that frowzy blonde? Lisa rolled down her window and locked all her doors and drove out of there as fast as possible without bothering to look back. She wished she could take Megan home. Lisa’s mom may not look scary on the outside, but she could still scare this drunken bearded man with the foul mouth and his huge breasted wife with the fake blond hair. Didn’t these kinds of people only exist in the movies? How could Megan live in that house?

***

As soon as Lisa walked through the door, her mom stood there with her hands on her hips, ready to attack.

“How old was that girl you were in the car with?” she demanded before Lisa could even close the front door.

“My age.”

Mom placed her hands on her off-white skirt. “You sure?”

No, Mom. She is really a twenty-something pedophile out to rape my soul and body. “Of course, I’m sure.”

“Well she looks like she spends her weekends stripping in Vegas or sleeps with men for money, what do they call those?”

“Hillbillies,” Lisa smirked. “They’re called prostitutes, hookers, call girls, whores, sluts—”

“Stop,” Mom screamed. “Go to your bedroom and wash out that mouth of yours with soap.”

Yeah, right. Like she was really going to do that? Mom used to make sure her and her brother actually washed out their mouths with soap. Not anymore. They were too powerful for her.

Picking up a Gatorade from the pantry closet, she took two stairs at a time up to her room. She wanted to trade Molly Mom from hell for another one. One who didn’t act like she was from Planet Mormon. Slamming the bedroom door behind her, Lisa went straight to her tub.

She turned the water on as hot as it would go. Picking up a razor from the drawer, Lisa set it on the side of the tub by her bathtub pillow and rubber ducky collection. Steam formed angry tiny clouds all over the area. Once she put her foot in, she had to immediately remove it; the boiling water burned her. She turned the cold water faucet on and waited a little while before attempting to go back in. This time the water was just the right temperature, super hot, but not boiling hot. She twisted the knob to high medium heat and rested her head on her pillow.

It’d be so easy to end it all. Bring this sharp blade into her wrist. Then she wouldn’t have to deal with any more of the bullshit in life. Eventually everyone would know she was a fake and a psycho, but it wouldn’t matter. She’d be free of this mind-wrenching pain that hurt in every nerve and cell of her body and mind.

Somebody else stared back at her in the mirror, an evil doppelganger. The reflection was this girl who was popular and outgoing. But outside in the real world, the actress, who was full of shame and guilt, was dying inside, and trapped inside a closet where only pain survived.

Chapter Three

Dark Side

In the cafeteria, Hailey took off her light blue jacket and threw it on the chair next to Trent. She laid her scripture bag and French book on the table. She had visited her locker once so far today, trying to avoid Lisa. Luckily, her friend wasn’t in seminary today; probably too busy flirting with the dark side.

“Hey honey,” he sang, getting up from his chair and pecking her on the lips.

The scent of spicy cheese teased her.

“I’ll be right back,” she told him.

Trent scowled. “Y-eww, cafeteria!” He took a bite from his leftover Asian tofu meal. “I’m going to finish my real meal.”

Hailey scrunched up her nose. “Too healthy.” How could Trent be vegan and eat nasty-tasting stuff all day long, especially when there was dreamy food for sale right here?

On Hailey’s way up to the counter, the naked girl from the shower passed by. Hailey looked her over; in a way she was almost wearing less now than she did before. Her mini black skirt covered only half of her upper leg and her tight tank top didn’t even go over her belly ring.

Hailey collided into someone hard, causing him to splatter his food all over the floor.

“You’re paying for that,” the skinny boy told her. He looked familiar but she didn’t know his name. He was a junior who hung out with the wannabe athletic crowd.

Hailey checked her pocket, but realized she had left her money in her locker. All she had was a lunch ticket. “I don’t have any money,” she said, feeling her face aflame with embarrassment.

Lisa approached from the side, and from the look on her face she must have seen the whole thing.

Hailey searched the cafeteria. Heads from all over the auditorium glanced their way. Gosh, why can’t everyone go away and leave me alone?

“Here.” Lisa gave the boy a wad of cash. “Now get lost.”

“Sorry.” The boy gave Lisa the cash back. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you.” Head down he scampered off.

No, you offended me. Why did everyone worship the ground Lisa breathed on? Sure she had eyelashes that wouldn’t quit, full lips and a perfectly shaped nose. But she also had freckles and was ten pounds overweight. Plus, there were lots of girls in school who were good-looking.

Lisa showed her two dimples and shiny teeth when she smiled big at Hailey. What was she saying? Hailey knew why people treated Lisa the way they did. She just captured people; drove them into her vortex and made them never want to be out of her presence.

Megan approached them and looked directly at Hailey. “So, you the girl from the shower?”

Hailey nodded, knowing her face was turning as scarlet red as the top Megan wore.

“Where’d your boy-toy go?”

“My what?”

“My brother,” Lisa filled in for her.

Megan winked. “I see. Keeping it in the family.”

Hailey caught the heavy sarcasm in Megan’s voice. She started to walk away.

“I take it a lot more switching rooms then?” Megan licked her lips and then stuck her tongue out, sliding it up and down.

“Gotta go, see you.” Hailey waved at Lisa.

“Don’t.” Lisa held onto her hand.

Hailey jerked it away and hurried to the table where her boyfriend sat. She leaned over the table, put her hands down and rested on her knuckles and took a deep breath.

“Where’s your nachos?”

She’d forgotten all about them. That was a first. The crowd had thinned from earlier, and getting up again, she made sure to stay as far away from the stoner/rocker table where Lisa and Megan were sitting. Since when did Lisa hang with that crowd?

Grabbing the last nacho carton left, Hailey poured on extra nacho cheese from the machine, hoping to drown her sorrows.  On her way back to the table, she passed Kelsey, surrounded by the other drill team members and baseball stars, who thought they were God’s gift to the planet.

“Catch!” Kelsey threw a kiss with her hand to Scott on the other side of the long table, who, of course, barely acknowledged her and instead glanced a few tables to the side of him to where Lisa sat. Again! Could he be any more obviously in love with her former best friend?

Her sister might look silly chasing after a guy who clearly only wanted whoever he couldn’t get, like Lisa. But still, Hailey wished she had her confidence. Kelsey wasn’t afraid of what anyone else thought about her, she felt free to do and act as she wanted.

Sighing, Hailey sat down next to Trent. Is lunch hour over yet?

“What happened? You usually like hanging out with my sister more than me.”

She grunted before shoving a large nacho in her mouth. Any minute now Trent was going to leave to go sit with someone else and she’d be back in elementary loser land like she was before Lisa came along.

“It’d be nice to feel like you’re my girlfriend.” Trent leaned his head on her shoulder, relaxing Hailey.

Her heart stopped sweating with nervousness as she gave him a kiss on the cheek. “I’m your girlfriend.”

The sweet moment passed quickly, as Trent ruined it: “Oh I get it, that slut’s the reason you haven’t ditched me yet?”

Why bother looking? She was sure Megan and Lisa were huddled together, while others at their table tried to interrupt them. They were probably still lost in their own world. “That’s rude,” Hailey said unconvincingly, tossing a cheese-covered nacho into her mouth.

“Probably so. But HF would want you to be honest, right?”  Trent rolled his noodles around a piece of tofu before placing it into his mouth.

HF was Trent’s irritating word for Heavenly Father. She wished he could act like a normal boyfriend for once. Not someone who ate and talked like a princess. She threw a few more nachos into her mouth and gave Trent a look, sending him a mind-read saying if he dared comment on her eating habits today; he was going to get a smacking. Not that she’d ever hit him, but he probably didn’t know that.

“Anyhoo, why do you care? She’s taken your place.” He bobbed his head toward his sister and Megan as they laughed out loud. “She’d actually be pretty if she didn’t look like a street walker. You know it wouldn’t murder you to wear makeup once in a while. You too could be so purrty.”

“Pretty. The word is pretty.” That was it. She had to get out of there before she lost it on him. Jumping out of her chair, she picked up her French book, jacket and scriptures, but left her nachos there, so not in the mood to eat anymore.

“Trash,” Trent squealed, staring at the nachos like they were moldy.

Hailey ignored him and stormed away. Trent could be so obnoxious. It wasn’t like the cafeteria workers didn’t clean up after the students were done. It wouldn’t be polluting the environment since trash didn’t fly outside on its own. Although, she wished the carton would magically hit him a couple times, landing nacho cheese sauce on his Armani shirt.

***

Thank Gosh, the final bell rang. Everyone swarmed out of their seats like they had a free car waiting for them. She made sure to duck the crowd by getting out the back door.

Hailey needed a swim. Badly! She also wanted a chance to talk to Lisa without Megan around. What did Lisa see in her? Megan dressed immodestly, had a tongue and belly ring and her New York accent made her sound like she was uneducated. They didn’t have any afternoon classes together today so she hadn’t run into Lisa since the embarrassing lunchroom fiasco.

Inside the locker room, noticing it was empty, she wiggled out of her plaid shoes and light blue jeans.

“Hey. Girlie-girl,” Lisa called.

A warm joy bubbled inside Hailey. She turned around, surprised to see Lisa already in her purple and gold team swimsuit and carrying her pink towel, water bottle and goggles. Hailey wrapped a towel around her waist.

The sight of Lisa looking and sounding like her usual self relaxed her. “Sorry about lunch. I’ll sit with just you next time.”

“No problem.” She sounded convincing, but Hailey wasn’t sure. When Lisa lied, she always glanced away at least momentarily, but this time she didn’t. Then again Lisa had never wanted to sit with anyone else before.

A splash of water interrupted Hailey’s thoughts. Lisa had turned around and was spraying the water bottle all over Hailey.

“Ha ha. I can see through your shirt.”

“You’re lucky,” Hailey said.

“Why?”

Hailey retrieved a water bottle she’d gotten from the machines between her last two classes. “Because I have this.” She took the lid off and poured it over her. Lisa moved away before she could get her too wet.

Giving up on her water bottle, Hailey tickled Lisa, who giggled till her face turned blue from the lack of oxygen. In the past, Lisa used to break out in laughter before she even touched her.

Coming in the team door, Megan tripped over a freshman on the swim team who had her back turned.

“Watch it,” Megan said, as if it was the other girl’s fault. Her face lit up when her gaze settled on Lisa. “I knew I’d find you here.” She reached in for a kiss on the cheek greeting and a hug.

Gosh, that was really inappropriate in the girls’ locker room, especially when one of them was half-naked. It was obvious the rest of the girls in the team room agreed with her as they glanced their way during their long embrace.

A grin was plastered on Lisa’s face as she pulled away from Megan’s embrace. “Glad you found me.”

“You coming?” Hailey said in irritation.

“In a minute.” Lisa whispered something in Megan’s ear. They burst into laughter.

“We’re going to be late,” Hailey said. Other swim team members slammed their locker doors and turned off the showers on their way out to the pool. Coach Stevens didn’t like it if they were even a minute late. They had ten minutes to change after the last bell rang, but that was it. She’d lost her water watch and the clock on the wall was useless. It always said nine.

“See you,” Lisa said, without even looking at her. She huddled into Megan like the world was going to collapse if they weren’t as close as possible. “Well, maybe.”

What was happening? Was her life turning into a sleazy CW sitcom?

Hailey placed her goggles over her eyes and scrunched up her hair into her team cap. She dove into the pool, swimming as fast as possible to release the anger bubbling inside of her. Who was she without Lisa? She wasn’t even sure who Lisa was anymore. A stranger had inhabited her body and turned her into a Megan clone. She was even starting to dress differently. The skirt she had on today was the same one she wore when she dressed up as an evil witch. What was Hailey’s life coming to? Better yet, who was Lisa turning into?

The coach whistled and Hailey stopped her swimming. Everyone else stood at the shallow end of the pool, everyone except Lisa. Hailey half-heartedly listened to the coach as he explained the first drill. She wanted to sneak out and stalk Lisa, to make sure she was okay. Maybe Megan was secretly giving her mushrooms or some crap like that?

“Wake up, I said three-hundred freestyle,” the young coach told her. His shirt was off, showing his six-pack and bulging muscles. The other girls swooned over him, but never Lisa.Hailey didn’t see it either. His face was cute and he was mostly nice, but there was such a thing as being too phony-looking.

“Are you okay, Mancini?” he said to Hailey. “You’re not using drugs are you?”

Okay, not nice. He was such a prick. She ignored him and dove into the pool, starting her freestyle and trying her best to forget about the day’s events. Focusing on the moment and the chlorinated bubbles helped a little, but the image of Lisa and Megan embracing never left her completely.

Chapter Four

Purgatory

Lisa sighed as a frenzy of students ran around with backpacks, books and cell phones. Another day in purgatory! Her sigh was relief. Thank God, it was the last class of the day. She couldn’t take any more of this. She was tired of feeling outside her body while she went through the motions. Everyone else seemed so happy and joyful. Why did she feel so joyless?

Two students crashed right in front of Lisa as they were text messaging, tripping over each other, toppling to the floor.

Lisa gave the blonde her hand and helped her get off the floor. “Keep your eyes on the road at all times or you might get hurt? Are you okay?” Text messaging, she thought, shouldn’t be allowed with any kind of traveling method.

The girl shook her head. “Sorry,” she said, flushing; and then walking away.

Would everyone ever stop treating her like she was some big honcho? She was just a lame high school student stuck in a small hellhole in Utah, same as everyone else here. If the girl only knew who Lisa really was, she wouldn’t be so envious of her life.

Reaching homeroom in one piece, Lisa started up the aisle.  It wasn’t assigned seating, and heads turned as she passed by. Fake smiling, she wished everyone would just leave her alone. If only she could master the art of turning invisible.

“Hi, sit here,” a redhead said, patting the top of the desk next to her.

Lisa smiled faintly, passing the desks of minions who worshipped the ground she walked on, with Becky, aka Little Miss Gossip, being the ringleader.

Lisa had too much on her mind to deal with people today, especially certain people. Like Becky. She didn’t understand what anyone saw in the snobby girl. So what if Becky’s dad was the mayor and she was class president? Her family was upper middle class at best and she had a heart as cold as a freezer. Plus, you couldn’t tell her anything or the whole school would know within the hour.

She finally found a seat in the back. Few people surrounded it and there was an empty desk in front of her and a Molly Mormon next to her who was too shy to talk to anyone. She was safe here.

A woman in a loose fitting top and corduroy dress pants rushed into the room as if she were flying. She had a smudge of lipstick on her teeth and her shirt barely covered her large breasts. Throwing her briefcase on top of her cluttered teacher’s desk caused her papers to fall everywhere.

Lisa picked up her fluffy pen and started to write in her notebook as a few students clambered up to the front to help the teacher, probably wanting to increase their grades.

“You must be Megan Blood,” the teacher suddenly said. “Class, we have a new student today. All the way from New York City,” Miss Walker added.

Jerking her head up so hard she almost got whiplash, Lisa studied the beauty standing in front of the class. Her heart skipped a few beats. The day had taken a turn for the better. Much better! She had hoped she’d get to see her again soon. She’d met Megan in the town cemetery last week, why had it taken her this long to show up for class?

Becky turned around in her chair to address the class as if she were presenting a debate. “What is she? A vampire?”

“Yes, and I’ll suck your blood or something else, if you want,” Megan said, moving down the aisle. She wore a dark brown top and tight black jeans, her face masked in heavy makeup and her hair styled. She looked as if she was supposed to be in the cast of an A-list supernatural movie.

“E-eww, nasty. I wouldn’t want you within a block of me.” Becky and her two followers laughed.

Megan leaned over Becky’s desk and snarled at her, like she was a cat.

Becky jumped so far back she sent her chair sprawling to the carpeted floor, and she bumped her head on the back of someone else’s chair leg. Her close friend, Katrina Smith, came to her rescue and helped her up. No one else made a move as laughter erupted, mostly coming from the other girls. Lisa swallowed her own giggles as Megan sat down in front of her. Her hair smelled like a mixture of blueberries and vanilla.

“Class, settle down.” The teacher held out a piece of paper. “Becky, take this pass and go to the nurse’s station.”

Becky stood and straightened her gray skirt, before taking the pass and stomping out the door.

Turning around in her chair, Megan stared at Lisa with her wide cat-like eyes. “Are you the only cool person in Smith-hell?”

Act suave. Stop grinning like a moron. Lisa opened her mouth to speak, but it was too late; Megan had flipped her body to the front as the teacher started her lecture. Since when had Lisa experienced cat-got-your-tongue syndrome?

The rest of the class was a snooze compared to the beginning. Psychology was usually one of her favorite classes. Not today. The teacher droned on and on about the most boring part of human nature: why some women choose to give birth and some women didn’t. Like she cared! The last thing she wanted to think about was having kids. That was twenty years into the future, if at all. Why would she want to bring anyone else into this painful world? That’d be cruel.

Lisa could barely hear what the teacher was saying anyway with Megan so close to her. She’d never seen such a beautiful tan body and hair that went on forever. She herself was a girlie-girl and was culturally supposed to be into butch girls. But there was nothing better than a girl who looked like one. If she wanted a boy-looking girl she’d be into boys. Sure, her life would be easier and she’d be more likely to get into heaven and please those around her if she dated a real boy. But none of them smelled so sweet and looked so smooth and delicious. A boy was hairy, gross and smelly, even the quarterback who’d asked her out the other day. The token hottie in her school, the guy all the girls wanted to date and the guy all the guys wanted to be.

The last bell rang and teens jumped up like they had a severe case of diarrhea. Before she could search for Megan, she had disappeared. Shit, that sucks. She collected her notebook and left.

Once again she had no homework so she didn’t bother going to her locker. She’d signed up for the easy classes so she could surf through high school without any worries. She’d started to regret that decision, as she might die from boredom before graduation.

Fake-smiling her way through the busy hallway on the way to the girls’ locker room Lisa kept an eye out for any sign of Megan. But the dark beauty was nowhere to be found. Weird how she disappeared so fast. Maybe she was a vampiress.

Lisa unlocked her gym locker and threw in her journal. Checking to make sure no one was around; she slipped off her short black skirt, underwear and burgundy top. She dressed in her swimsuit and grabbed her water bottle and goggles.

Hailey came through the door, her soft lips forming a half-smile, the way they always did when she was mad at her. Feeling like her best friend was slipping through her fingers; Lisa attempted to lighten the mood. “Hey, girlie-girl.”

Life returned to her friend’s face as her lips formed a full smile. Hailey was never one to hold a grudge. “Sorry about lunch. I’ll sit with just you next time.”

“No problem.”

Lisa wanted to lighten the mood even more, so she began their usual ritual, and splashed Hailey with her water bottle, “Ha ha. I can see through your shirt.”

“You’re lucky.”

“Why?”

“Because I have this.” Hailey took the lid off her own bottle and poured it over her.

Lisa moved away before she could get her too wet.

Throwing her water bottle, Hailey started tickling Lisa, who giggled till she couldn’t breathe.

Megan came through the door with such force that a freshman fell over. “Watch it,” she said, as if it were the other girl’s fault. Her face lit up when she settled on Lisa. “I knew I’d find you here.” She reached in for a kiss on the cheek and a tight hug.

A rush spread through Lisa as she laid her head on the girl’s large breasts. She almost moved her hands down to Megan’s butt, but realized that might not be smooth and might freak Hailey out if she noticed.

Be smooth, but not cold. “Glad.” Lisa slowly moved away, even though she really didn’t want to. But any longer and her best friend was going to have a heart attack.

Hailey tapped her foot on the tile. “You coming?”

“In a minute.” Lisa whispered, “You are hot” in Megan’s ear; and Megan threw her head back in laughter, turning Lisa on even more.

Hailey glanced at the broken clock on the wall. “We’re going to be late.”

“See you.” Lisa didn’t want to hurt Hailey, but her friend’s face seemed dejected as she walked away. She felt bad, but Lisa wanted to be around Megan more than anything. Especially more than the two hours of hard swim directed by a coach who thought it was fun to work everyone to death. “Well, maybe.”

A few girls giggled, but Lisa ignored them. She didn’t care what anyone thought. In fact, she didn’t have the energy to care anymore—like the real her had taken over.

“Disappear or else.” Megan waved them away.

The small girls left the team locker room like there was a skunk chasing them.

“Freshmen. They’re so easy. Now where were we?” Megan stepped closer to Lisa, making her heart jump.

Megan lifted both hands up above her head, as if she were getting arrested. “Hey, hey I’m not armed. Well, not that armed,” she said, patting the right pocket of a skirt covering only part of her long tan legs. She winked and licked her lips before adding in a sly voice, “A girl’s got to be prepared these days. Never know when a hot sophomore might come along.”

Lisa grinned, her face warming. What was it about this girl that affected her so strongly? Why did she move all the hair on her body? No one had ever made her nervous before. People didn’t make her nervous, until now.

Megan made contact, backing her up against the wall, and then she threw her hands up against the wall, trapping Lisa.

Sensation sprang alive down below. Am I going to have an orgasm right here? This girl was the sexiest one in probably the entire North American continent.

Megan’s puffy-glossy lips teased her, as she came in closer and bit her top lip. Sparkles of fire sprang up all over Lisa’s body. She went for a real kiss, but Megan placed a finger to her mouth, exciting Lisa even more. Megan came in again for a real kiss, one that lasted forever but not long enough. Her first ever tongue kiss!

Megan released her lips. “Catch you later.” She skipped out of the locker room, before Lisa could even blink.

With Megan gone, shame welled up inside her. What had she just done? Had she broken an unbreakable commandment? Was she going to be sent to hell?

***

At home, Lisa’s grumbling stomach led her to the kitchen. She didn’t understand why she was so hungry. Kissing wasn’t a workout, was it? She tried to open the fridge, but an image of a Becky look-alike hung in front of her and a picture of the Salt Lake Temple.

“Can’t I just eat without Mormonism being shoved in my face?” She tore the invitation for Becky’s older sister and her fiancé’s wedding reception off the refrigerator. The Temple showed in back of the plastic, fake-happy couple who looked more like brother and sister than future husband and wife.

Who knew? Maybe they were distant cousins and didn’t know it. Everyone seemed to be related around here. In the early days of the Church, multiple wives screwed the same man to have baby after baby. The Church leaders claimed the Church doesn’t practice polygamy today but they will in the next life because there will be a lack of men. Whatever! Even if that were true, which she highly doubted, it still didn’t explain why a girl loving another girl was so sinful and would require them to go to Hell or Outer Darkness as the Church liked to call the sinners who will never be forgiven. God, if women are living together in the same house and screwing the same boy, of course they’ll eventually start doing it, right?

Lisa tore the invitation into little pieces. Fuck. Who cares if Mommy Dearest gets mad? She hid the evidence inside a popcorn box and stepped on the box to bury it deep.

In her bedroom, Lisa tossed cold water on her eyes to make sure she wasn’t in a dream state. She avoided her lips, wanting to be able to taste the grape flavor of Megan’s kiss.

She went over to the tub and started the water. She needed a relaxing bath so she could think about things, like, what the kiss meant. The Church made it seem like her lesbianism was something she could fix or get over. Bullshit. The Church boys she kissed couldn’t even hold a candle to Megan. Hell, her former sheltie dog was closer to how boys made her feel. Nothing. Nada.  Not even the slightest tingle down below.

As if reading her mind, Strawberry, her cat, purred for attention. Lisa picked her up and cuddled her. Before her parents became so wealthy and picky, the family had had a sheltie. Now Mom didn’t want any animals on her precious furniture or to mess on her stupid hardwood floor. Like it mattered. Strawberry was restricted to Lisa’s room and the yard.

Lisa released the orange cat on the tile floor and opened the cap of her cherry blossom bubble bath, but it was empty. Trent always had the best bubble bath, so she left the bathroom and headed down to his bedroom a few doors down.

Lisa opened the door. Trent all but collapsed in the process of doing one of his New Age moves, yoga gymnastics or some gay boy thing like that. Problem was, the kid didn’t know he was gay.

“Please. You almost made me crack my neck. Shoulder-stance is a highly dangerous move that requires one’s full attention.” Trent jumped up. In his tight shorts and tank top he walked over to his wide dresser, its surface covered with team baseball pictures collected over the years. He hadn’t won a single trophy, except a team one a few years back in the junior league. He already had a few madrigal trophies though, from the high school’s small dancing and singing group.

Lisa doubted he enjoyed baseball; it was probably the cute guys that kept him going back. “So you’d wear a neck cast for a few weeks.” She shrugged, moving toward his bathroom. “You’d get over it.”

He dropped his jaw and lifted his right arm to his chest. “Why did you bless me with this visit?”

Why did he talk as if he were auditioning for an old folks’ home? “Didn’t you have practice?”

“And didn’t you have swimming?”

“No,” she lied. “I need to borrow your bubble bath.”

“No way, honey,” he said, moving to the bathroom. But Lisa was too fast. She already had the bottle in her hand and jumped around him.

“I’m telling Mother.”

“You do that. She’ll tell Dad and he’ll flip.”

Lisa sprinted, not that Trent would take the effort to chase her, probably afraid to break his leg. How could Trent still be on the baseball team? He must drive the other boys crazy, but then again it was small-town Utah and no matter how feminine a boy acted or how much he obsessed about Tom Cruise, most people didn’t think gay existed. But they were wrong. Trent was as gay as they came.

Carrying the bubble bath back to her room, she locked her bathroom door and poured the rest of the bottle into the water.  As the water enveloped her, she couldn’t stop thinking about the steamy kiss. She’d never had a kiss anything like that before. Now she understood how some girls went gaga over their boyfriends. If being with them was anything like it was with Megan…

Lisa wanted to tell the world, especially Hailey, about her kiss. But how could she? The best moment of her life and she couldn’t even share or tell her closest friend in the world. She had no one to tell but Megan herself. Like that was going to happen. Hey, I made out with a hot girl and that girl was you. Yeah, right.

Lisa closed her eyes, reliving the experience over and over.  The fact she couldn’t tell anyone made it less real somehow.  Maybe if she wrote a letter it would help.

Getting out of the tub, she turned on her laptop.

But she couldn’t focus on what she wanted to do. A blank screen and the occasional flashing images stared at her. How could she tell her best friend or Ms. Righteous of Zion that she kissed a girl? Hailey might never speak to her again. If she told her secret, the only person who never let Lisa down might disown her as a best friend. But she couldn’t keep living a lie that was slowly killing her. Someone had to know her secret, besides Megan.

Lisa slammed the top of her laptop closed. It was hopeless. She’d just have to wait another day to tell Hailey the truth. There was no other option. But she could barely breathe. She had no one to turn to. She hated not having anyone to talk to about her first real crush.

Mom poked her head in the bedroom door, making Lisa jump. “Time for family home evening.” Only in the Mormon culture did something as lame as family home evenings exist and always on Monday nights. Hopefully, tonight there wouldn’t be a scripture reading. Lisa didn’t exactly have a Book of Mormon anymore.

“What thrilling thing is on the list this week?”

“Don’t you dare start that with me, I’m not in the mood.”

“You’re never in the mood,” Lisa muttered under her breath. Her mom was on twenty-four-seven PMS.

“I’m not going to let you stay in your room, if that’s what you think I’m going to do.”

Lisa flipped her mom off when she had her back turned. Mom looked back as if knowing something was wrong.

Lisa shrugged, following her down the curvy staircase. Her mom’s high heels banged against the hardwood floor. Super annoying!

Passing one expensive painting after another they reached the foyer and then went down the narrow stairs to the theatre room. Good, maybe they were just going to watch a boring old movie.

Lisa sat in the farthest chair from Trent, who rested on the leather couch with their Dad, who sat there with a huge tub of popcorn.

“Go get a bowl,” Dad said to Lisa.

“No thanks, I’m good.”

Mom smoothed out her skirt and picked up a DVD from the church area of the bookshelf. Shit, she wasn’t in the mood for a lecture. She wished she had brought her iPod.

The credits for Saturday’s Warrior came up on the screen. Oh great. A lame church flick. “I’ll be back.” Lisa stood up abruptly to go retrieve her iPod. She left before anyone could stop her, trying to close the door lightly so no one would follow her. Of course, only Mommy Dearest would be on her tail. Dad might be a religious nut too, but he didn’t watch her every move.

Back at the theatre, she sat down as a girl on the TV screen in a long flowing dress sang at the top of her lungs to her missionary, who was leaving her for two years to serve a mission for the Church. When a small group of young women started singing, Lisa wanted to gag. Why would anyone wait two years to be slobbered on by a boy? And then get married in some fancy temple ceremony where people wear crazy hats and the woman promises to give herself over completely to her husband? No way.

Mom turned to Lisa. “That’ll be you someday.”

If Earth froze over to Hell and then just maybe! “It’s more likely to be Trent up there singing,” she said as Trent sang a high note.

Lisa threw a popcorn kernel at her brother to get him to stop. “You’re so gay,” she said, more as a joke than anything, but the silence in the room was deadly. Everyone turned her way, gaping.

Mom pushed pause on the remote. “Don’t you dare say that word in this house!”

“Gay.” Lisa got up from the chair and purposely dropped her bowl of popcorn all over the floor. “Gay. Gay. Gay.”

“Get out if you’re going to talk like that. But first apologize to your mother,” Dad told her firmly.

For what, saying a word? She didn’t want to apologize but she knew she’d end up grounded if she didn’t. She wanted to be anywhere but trapped in the house for a few weeks. “Sorry,” she said as if she really was. Playing the part of Beauty in Beauty and the Beast in junior high had finally paid off.

Lisa closed the theatre room behind her. She wanted to go back and smack her mom, hating her prissy attitude and the fact she still treated her like a child. Up in her room, she tore her shirt off and went straight into her personal bathtub.

In a daze, Lisa turned on the tub, taking off her bra and pants and climbed in, resting her head on her bath pillow.

If only she could move to New York City with Megan where she could be herself and not have to live this pretend life. She didn’t want to be this straight person who went to Church and was forced to watch stupid movies for some religious torture referred to as family home evening.

She grabbed the razor from the ledge of the tub and brought it to her wrist, but didn’t have the energy to cut. The extreme loneliness, self-hatred and agony tore at her like an industrial-sized knife. She wanted to match on the outside what was on the inside. But she didn’t have the guts, too much of a coward. If only she could disappear forever or at least until life didn’t hurt so much.

Chapter Five

Devil’s Dance

Kelsey came through Hailey’s bedroom door without knocking. “Will you cover for me?” she blurted out, like Hailey would know what the heck she was talking about.

Half-undressed, Hailey placed her hands over her chest.  “Are you nuts?” Why was it so hard for her to knock? She wished her parents would put a lock on the door, but Mom refused to let her have the privacy. “What the heck do you want?”

“I’m going to this exclusive party held by none other than Scott McKenzie. He has this huge house, and he asked me to be his date.” Finally, Kelsey looked at Hailey, as if just realizing she was in the room. “You’re clueless. It’s not like I haven’t seen you before. We used to take baths together, remember?”

Kelsey was such a brat and the clueless one. Scott had asked Lisa to go out with him to that same party the other day. Of course Lisa hadn’t said yes. “Thank Gosh, I don’t remember.” Hailey grabbed one of the many shirts on the bed and pulled it over her head.

“Trust me, God will not be offended if you thank Him.”

“How do you know?”

“How do you?” Kelsey threw back.

The Prophet said swearing of any kind was wrong, especially taking the Lord’s name in vain. But trying to tell Kelsey anything religious was like trying to tell a five-year-old that Santa didn’t exist.

Kelsey took her hesitation as an agreement. “Exactly, no one knows. Especially not some wrinkly guy who is exhibiting the early signs of Alzheimer’s and barely knows his own name. If any heavenly being talks to him it’s ’cause he’s days away from death.”

“What? Who?” Sometimes trying to follow her sister was like trying to figure out a complicated crossword puzzle.

Kelsey pointed to the New Era on Hailey’s desk that had a picture of the LDS Prophet.

How offensive. Hailey didn’t feel like fighting with her. Kelsey enjoyed arguing and she always seemed to be looking for an argument. She so wasn’t in the mood today. “Just get out. I’ll cover for you, if you get out right this second.”

“Touchy.”

After her nightmare thorn of a sister left, Hailey scanned through the dresses, blouses and skirts in her closet. Only a few remained. Most rested on her queen bed, all similar colors; pastel pink and blues. She wanted to look different for the Sadie’s dance. Not wear the same old church clothes she wore every Sunday.

The garage door sounded. That had to be Kelsey because her parents were off to a fancy fundraiser. Again! They got invited to everything, another downfall of being rich. It would be better if they donated their money to better causes, like the homeless or the poor, but they focused their attention on the Republican Party causes, like halting immigration and looser gun laws. Dad would give her money to give to the homeless, but if her Mom found out, she got mad.

Maybe she could try her sister’s room. She never wore pastel colors or dressed in clothes that cost fewer than fifty bucks. Mom had stopped buying expensive dresses and other clothes for Hailey because she always sold them or took them back to the store to donate the extra money to tithing or the homeless shelter in Salt Lake City. Her mom always said the homeless deserved what they got and were at fault for drinking too much alcohol or not controlling their mental illness. That somehow they wanted to be that way. No way. Who would want to be on the streets, if they had other options?

Hailey twisted the doorknob on her sister’s door. Now she was relieved her parents didn’t allow them to have locks. The elaborate room was adorned with pricey lamps, a king-sized canopy bed and cartons full of makeup and jewelry.

Stepping into Kelsey’s walk-in closet always took her breath away. Packed with about a hundred pairs of shoes and boots, and expensive dresses wrapped in linen protectors that covered half the wall, the closet’s contents were probably worth more than most people’s annual income.

Ignoring the stab of guilt in her stomach, Hailey found the prettiest black silk dress and slipped it on. One glance in Kelsey’s full-length mirror removed her guilt. She looked spectacular. The only way her sister was going to get her out of this dress was by cutting it off.

Hailey smiled, satisfied. She collected her cell phone and waited on her porch for Trent. She missed Lisa and wanted to get out of the house, away from the thoughts swarming in her head. She didn’t feel like going to the dance but there was no way she could stay home another night without Lisa, without daydreaming about previous Friday nights overflowing with buttery popcorn and Oreos while they were watching a romantic comedy.

Hailey made a mental note to place the dress back in Kelsey’s closet before she got home, if she valued her life. It wouldn’t be too hard to get the dress back in the closet since Kelsey always came home an hour or two after curfew. Not that Mom and Dad even noticed. They were always snoring loudly in their bedrooms by the time the sisters returned home.

It was strange to be wearing a dress that cost more than most people’s monthly income. It wasn’t like her at all. But she wanted to feel like someone different; someone who her best friend would want to be around even if that meant selling out for one night. After all, Lisa seemed to like Megan better.

Lisa had even worn cover-up, eye shadow and mascara to go with her regular shade of lip gloss, blueberry. Who was she turning into?

A honk sounded from the driveway. What the heck was Trent doing honking when she was sitting right in plain sight? What kind of moron was he? Didn’t he see her? Besides how rude was that? She’d started dating him because he had old-fashioned values. When had he turned into a spineless jerk like every other boy on the planet?

“You know I could see you,” Hailey said, getting in the front seat of his Jeep. “So the probability of you seeing me too had to be ten to one.”

“Oh, is someone in their cycle?”

“No, that’d just be you.”

He growled before turning the radio knob up to a screeching level. Turning up the volume on classical music didn’t make it any cooler or worth listening to but at least he wouldn’t talk.

Hailey crouched down in her seat as practically every person they passed on the sidewalk glanced their way wearing a puzzled expression. When had her boyfriend become such an embarrassment? Had he always been like that and she just didn’t care? Going to this dance was turning out to be an awful idea.

Thank Gosh, Smithville High finally came into view. The large red brick building looked more like a prison, with a large fence surrounding it and only a few small windows.

At last, the wretched music stopped. Cars of all varieties sat parked in the student lot, BMWs next to Chevrolet Cavaliers.Few rolled in money like her family and Trent’s. Most others struggled to make ends meet in the troubling economy. Those who commuted to work in Salt Lake City usually did better, but they weren’t any of them rich. Her parents didn’t even earn their money, they had inherited it.

Trent opened the door for her. Finally he was back to being a gentleman.

Inside the auditorium, Fall Out Boy blared over the fancy sound system. Flashy blue and yellow lights streamed over the hardwood floor. Hailey bumped into someone and then after apologizing to that person she bumped into someone else.

Everyone seemed to be wearing jeans or even shorts. A few people wore skirts but not very many. “I thought you said it was semiformal.”

Trent shrugged. “You look fashionable.”

Hailey ground her teeth. “You did this on purpose?”

He ignored her, staring off into the distance.

What was his problem? She always looked decent. Why was it so important to wear the latest fashions? Besides, his shoulder-length wavy blond hair and Prada jean suit just made him stand out in the crowd. The other boys wore holey blue jeans or wrinkly shorts with solid-colored T-shirts.

“No, I really thought it was,” he finally said as he stared the new kid, Chase, up and down.

Doubt that. He didn’t even try to sound convincing. Hailey shook her head. He could be such a jerk. Lisa usually took her to these school dances. Where was her so-called best friend? Normally the three of them would drive in Lisa’s Porsche. She wanted more than anything to go back in time.

Trent tried to give her a peck on the lips, but she dodged it so his lips landed on her cheek.

“Where’s Lisa?” She rose on her toes to get a better look. The auditorium was packed, but no sign of her or Megan.

“Don’t know. Don’t care.” Trent twisted back and forth to the rhythm of the music.

Hailey sat down on a folding chair right by him. Could he look more stupid? People stopped dancing just to watch him.When did she ever think he was cool? He might be a junior and on the baseball team, but he was so embarrassing.

Trent bobbed his head to a group stepping into the auditorium. “Oh, it’s the prodigal ones.”

Hailey laughed, but then froze. What was her sister doing here? Trent referred to everyone on the record-breaking drill team and the all-state football team as the prodigal ones, including her sister, Kelsey, because they enjoyed booze, sex and anything against the Church. Shockingly, most of the crowd consisted of daughters and sons of the high leaders in the Church.

Speaking of the she-devil. Hailey felt a tap on her shoulder and turned around. Kelsey stood there with a smirk on her face. She wore a short blue skirt and her long blondish-brown curls flowed over her yellow camisole top. How could she wear those in the middle of January? Her sister was just like Megan. Could her life get any worse?

“What did you do? Raid my closet?” Kelsey slurred her words.

“This is my fault, don’t blame her,” Trent said, stepping between them.

“Oh, you made her wear a dress she knew was mine and you just put it on her body,” Kelsey snapped. “I’m sure you didn’t enjoy that one bit.”

“You jealous?”

“Of you?” She rolled her eyes at Trent. “Not in the slightest.” She reeled back into Scott, who pushed her away because he was enthralled by a discussion with a crowd of his football buddies.

“Oh, you like me. You know it.” Trent pointed to her date, a boy who stood a few feet away holding two paper cups.

“I don’t go for guys who dig guys and pretend to be into my sister.”

“As if?” Trent wrapped his arms around his chest, not seeming to realize that this, combined with the pout on his face, mimicked the only out gay couple in school.

Kelsey leaned back, almost falling over again. “Sure, whatever you say.”

“You’re evil and I’m not.” Trent dropped his hands to his waist. “Hailey will probably wake up one day with poison in her drink.”

“Who do you think I am?” Kelsey said sweetly, batting her thick eyelashes. “I love her. I’d never hurt her, even if she’s clueless.” She seized Hailey and hugged her.

The comment stung Hailey as she wiggled out of her embrace. She hated anyone touching her besides Lisa and Trent, especially her sister.

Trent ran his fingers through his hair. “You’re supposed to be Mormon.”

“Who wants to be a part of that cult? Not me.” Kelsey’s words splattered spit into both their faces. Then she scanned the two of them up and down. “If either of you were any more homosexual, you’d be on the next ABC series.”

Hailey wanted to tell Kelsey she was wrong. Neither of them was cursed with same-sex attraction and if they were they’d be asking their bishop to send them to counseling. Plus, they kissed often. “Go away. We don’t want you here.”

“If you get a spot on that dress, I will kill you,” Kelsey threw in before joining in the conversation in Scott’s circle.

“There’s no way I’d ever be into a guy.” Trent narrowed his green eyes. “You don’t think that, do you?”

“No. I need aqua though,” Hailey said, and ditched him to go to the refreshment table. An orange cooler with a white sign stating water beckoned her. She picked up the cup and slurped it down in a few gulps. It helped drown her frustration.

She picked up a brownie and started eating it, not wanting to go back to Trent. She scanned the busy crowd that looked a lot more like a party than a dance. Everyone was standing around in their usual cliques and talking. Only the few chaperones danced to the superfast song that played. Even Trent had stopped and was sitting down. The drill team woman coach danced with the male coach of the football team without any sense of rhythm. Nearby a heavier male just danced by himself, gyrating like someone on crystal meth.

“There you are, Hails. I’ve been looking for you.” Lisa was dressed in a skirt, long colorful socks and a white pullover sweater. She looked adorable, not slutty like some of the rest of the group. Speaking of slutty, this time there was no sign of Megan.

Lisa raised her eyebrows, studying her as if she could see right through her. “Finally realizing what an annoying brat my brother is?” She nodded to Trent, who was dancing like a zombie while Katrina Smith laughed at him. Katrina was a direct descendant of the Joseph Smith, or so she said.

“You know there’s no written contract that says you have to date him or risk jail time.”

“I know. I like him.” Well, she did like him. Yes, she did like him. Then why didn’t it bother her that the two of them were always talking? Whatever! She didn’t care. Fudge, the whole world was changing and there wasn’t anything she could do about it.

Megan approached them in high pumps and holey jeans and a revealing black top. “Like who?”

Hailey wanted this night to be over and fast. Sitting in front of the TV sounded more appealing every minute. She wished she could close her eyes and appear in her room, like some supernatural character. “No one,” she finally said.

Not that anyone was listening. Lisa and Megan were whispering in each other’s ears. Do they even care that I’m here?

Hailey started to walk away, but Lisa grabbed her hand and pulled her back. “Where you going?”

“Back to my so-called boyfriend,” she said as enthusiastically as she could muster.

“You could hang with us.” Lisa stole a bite of her brownie.

“Yeah, come with us.” Megan flashed an evil grin her way. “We’re just going to shoot up some drugs and have an orgy.”

“I’ll pass.”

Lisa elbowed Megan in the stomach, giving Hailey a chance to pull her hand from Lisa’s and take off.

She didn’t look back until she reached Trent’s table, but Megan and Lisa were gone. She took a sip of her water, checking the dance floor. And sure enough they were there dancing with each other. What were they doing? Girls never ground against each other on the dance floor. Had they both lost it? You might be able to get away with bringing in alcohol, but this had to be out of the question.

The chaperones might be Jack Mormons, but they were still Mormons. To prove her theory, Coach Hayden from the drill team came over and separated them. The two of them stormed out of the auditorium to cheers from the crowd, mostly from the boys who seemed happy with the highly inappropriate public display.

Trent turned to her. “You want to dance?”

“Don’t you care?”

“About what?” Trent shrugged.

Hailey raised her eyebrows. “You sleeping in there?”

“Oh, my freak of a sister. She just wants attention. And she got it.” Trent tapped her hand and leaned over for a half curtsey. “Will you do me the honor?”

Did he seriously think it was the nineteenth century? She didn’t feel like dancing. And she doubted Lisa was just trying to get attention. Why would she? Lisa got attention whenever she walked into a room and she never needed to ask for it. “Not right now.”

“Your loss.” Trent moved on to talk to the brown-haired girl with dopey eyes. He asked Katrina to dance in the same retarded fashion, only this time she curtsied back and went out with him on the dance floor. A pretty girl who always had a large grin on her face, she’d be the trophy wife of all trophy wives. She’d be perfect for him. She’d be better for him than Hailey.

Normally, Hailey would find a way to break them up. But she didn’t feel much like that today. She just wanted to go home. She watched the two of them ballroom dance to modern music when no one else shared their style of dance, not even the chaperones.

After the wretched performance was over, Trent came over to her table. He didn’t seem to realize that Katrina had followed him.

“I need to go home.” Hailey shuffled her feet impatiently.

Trent shook her off with the wave of a hand. “I’m having fun. Can’t we just stay a little longer?” he whined, like a little boy asking for approval to play with his friends.

Hailey ignored him.

“Let’s dance.” Katrina waved to her best friend, Becky, as she moved into the middle of the dance floor with Scott. Boy, he got around, didn’t he? Then Kelsey jumped into the situation and ground up against Scott, drawing his full attention. What was with everyone nowadays? When did everything start having to do with sex?

Hailey was sick of boys and tired of this night. All she wanted was to go to sleep for say, until high school was over. “I’ll walk.” It was a mile away, but she could do it.

“Have fun.” Katrina brushed her shoulder up against Trent.

“No, I’ll take you home. I’m your date.” Trent said unenthusiastically.

“Okay,” Hailey said dryly.

Trent looked at her funny, seeming to catch on to her sarcasm.

“She said it was okay. Let’s go.” Katrina edged Trent back onto the dance floor. Before Hailey could blink, he was back doing twirls. What a douche!

A red BMW sat in the parking lot and close by it was a super-sized Chevy black pickup. Figured, Scott wouldn’t even bother picking up Kelsey.

She could steal her sister’s car. It’d be safer that way than having her drive home when she was wasted out of her gourd, but she didn’t know how to hot-wire and didn’t want to go back into the dance to try to steal her keys. Not that she would notice.  Kelsey would probably call the police on her, anyway. She studied the people in the parking lot, but most of them were only acquaintances, not real friends. She wouldn’t feel comfortable bumming a ride off them.

She fidgeted with her cell phone. She could call her parents, but her mom would insist on being the one who came, and she would ask all these intrusive questions. Hailey would rather face walking the mile home than have to talk about things right now with anyone. She just wanted to be left alone to her own miserable thoughts. Maybe she’d get run over on the way home and not have to deal with any of this ever again.

Closing the gym door behind her, she walked out into the cold night air, wishing she had worn her jacket. The Mormon crickets chirped around her like they were enjoying the night. She wished she could fly away with them.

Chapter Six

Blood

Lisa hit the brake on her Porsche at a four-way intersection. “So the shitty coach kicked us out. I’m going to outlaw football from now on.”

Megan tossed her hair and rolled her eyes. “Oh, Goddess, don’t play the victim card.”

Lisa was finally able to go through the intersection. “Huh?”

“I’ve even see this in New York City with the Catholic school girls, who by the way are super hot. One minute they’re all over me, and the next they’re bawling their eyes out about how their family is going to disown them.” Megan stuck her feet out the window. “The only people that are victims are the ones who whine and complain over and over that everyone is against them and therefore start acting like victims. If you want to play that card, then we’re all victims, every member of the human race, in some form or another. Plus, that’s what the bullies want us to do. They feed on it. I say, do what you want and be who you are. Let the ones who have a problem suffer their own victim status, because that’s who they are, they’re the real victims, entangled by their own paranoia and hatred. Not you. Sure as hell, not me.”

Lisa scowled. “I’m not playing any card.”

“Maybe. Maybe not. Revenge is not a good idea in any case.” Megan lit a tiny cigar and held it out the window. Lisa opened her mouth to tell her she couldn’t smoke in her car, but decided against it. She didn’t want to seem like a clean freak, like her parents. “You have to rise above it. Survival is moving past the complaining and toward the pleasure in the present. Some people have nothing and have been beaten down their whole life, but it doesn’t stop them from delighting in the little things they do have.”

When had Megan turned so wise? Was that why she looked so much older? She supposed that with her parents, Megan had to grow up fast. “So what do you, smartie, expect we should do about the coach?”

“Nothing. But you could form an LGBT school club. I don’t want to, but you could.”

Lisa hadn’t even come out to anyone officially. She didn’t really feel like starting her own group, especially without Megan by her side. “Why not?”

“People are just wound too tight around here. I’m just getting adjusted, maybe later in the year after I’ve twisted things up a lot.” Megan winked, looking evil with the moon shining down on her black hair as strands of it flew out the window.

Megan looked like a beautiful witch, the most interesting person to come along in ages. Lisa wanted to reach over and kiss her again, but a cop on her right kept her from acting so hastily. “So where we going to twist things up tonight?” she asked, placing her hands on the steering wheel and turning it.

“What you doing, trying to kill me?” Lisa asked, trying to get oxygen flowing back into her body. She checked her rearview mirror, but there was no sign of blinking lights. Thank Goddess, the cop hadn’t noticed, probably too busy drinking his hot chocolate and doughnuts to notice.

A dead end road sign stood in front of them. A few broken-down houses ending at the Smithville Cemetery. “It’s after hours. Everything’s locked,” Lisa told her as she slowed the car. She didn’t want to get in trouble especially since she had barely gotten her car back.

“Don’t worry. We can park here.”

Lisa turned off the ignition in front of a tiny yellow house that looked abandoned, with the windows blocked in wood and a No Trespassing sign on the property. “It’s not even open.”

“We can sneak in.” Megan jumped out of the car and came around to the driver’s side. She reached in for Lisa’s hand.

Lisa followed her, feeling like she’d regret this somehow.

The place was dark and spooky; there were only a few lights in front of the funeral home. They reached the gated fence. Megan started climbing into the mortuary.

“Was the punch spiked?” Lisa waited, scanning for cops or any sign of that grimy grave-keeper. The place was silent, eerily quiet. Like a vampire was going to jump out and drain their blood at any minute, or worse, a serial killer who didn’t exist solely in fiction.

Megan landed on the other side. “Come on.”

“I’m feeling sleepy. Let’s go.” Lisa checked her watch and it was after eleven. Her curfew was in less than an hour.

“I’m staying here.”

“How you getting home?”

“I’ll manage. I always do.”

Megan couldn’t be serious. Could she? The firm expression on her face said otherwise.

“I’m going to sleep here. I’ve done it before.”

Who would sleep in the cemetery all night? “Please. Let me drive you home,” Lisa said through the fence. For one thing she was going to freeze out here. It wasn’t supercold right now but the last stages of fall still remained and the cold would get worse as the night wore on.

“Home. You mean my drunk stepdad. No thanks. Go home to your cushioned mansion.” Megan waved her on, with a tint of bitterness in her voice. “Go back to your parents, who don’t even accept you for who you are. And back to that little best friend of yours who would never speak to you again if she knew we had made out.”

Hurt tugged at her cold face as if she had been slapped.  What the hell had she said to make Megan so angry? “You can sleep over if you want.”

Megan shrugged her broad shoulders. “I’m okay. It’s not like I haven’t done it before.”

“Fine. Freeze.” Lisa turned around. Megan wasn’t the authority on Hailey or her parents. Megan barely knew her best friend, and she’d never even officially met her parents.

Still, if anything happened to Megan, she’d feel so guilty. But Megan had disappeared; only darkness and death remained as the elaborate headstones spread out in the distance.

On the drive home, Lisa wondered if Megan was right. Not only did Megan not care about her—well, she did a little bit, enough to tell the truth—but her family and friends didn’t care?  But then, how could they? She’d never let them know the real her. How could she? They all thought being a lesbian was an abomination, a grave sexual sin. As her mom liked to say; “No one chooses to be that way. They decide.”

Lisa pulled her car off the road as sadness flooded her; wishing whatever made her decide to be a lesbian hadn’t happened. She wanted to be like everyone else, a normal girl. Why couldn’t she just decide to like Scott and be happy with him? She’d end up as the most popular girl in school, and not just in the sophomore class. Everyone would love her and adore her, especially her parents and Hailey. But it’d all be shallow and pointless because they would love a shell of who she was and not the real her.

She could wait for Scott while he went on his two-year mission like a shiny, happy Mormon. Like the Katrinas in the world who would be perfectly happy with such a life. But she wouldn’t be content. Ever! The romance in Disney movies was a crock and the same with the Church’s stance on almost everything. Pure bullshit!

Boyd K. Packer and all the other LDS leaders think I can just change who I am. Well, I can’t. Death seemed to be the only way out. She had prayed since she was baptized at age eight every single night to take the evil from her, but it never worked. Most of those years she didn’t know exactly what the evil was, just that she had something brewing inside her that wasn’t quite right.

The deep loneliness inside her seemed fastened to her with rubber cement. Lisa wanted to run her car off the road and end it all. She had no choice. The pain suffocated her. Living in the closet any longer could cost her life.

Someone should burn me. I deserve it. I’m disgusting, filthy and dirty. I’m not a creation of Heavenly Father. I’m a creation of Satan. I follow him.

Megan’s lips were evil. She had taken Lisa under her spell like a wife of Satan and as much as she wanted to she couldn’t tear herself away, the evil desires inside her wouldn’t let her stop.  She had wound her legs caressingly into Megan’s and wanted to rub up against her. She wanted more.

I’m going to get thrown into a fiery hell and I deserve it. This is next to murder in God’s eyes. I deserve the death penalty. I committed a terrible offense. I deserve to die.

It’d be so easy. Just drive off the cliff at ninety miles per hour and the next thing she’d be aware of was no pain. She wouldn’t be alive to feel any pain. This idea brought relief. She didn’t think she could feel any more pain or breathe any longer.

Lisa crushed her cell phone in her hand as the scent of Megan’s perfume remained; apricot filled her nostrils. If she committed suicide, wouldn’t that make her a victim?

Looking at her reflection in the mirror, she saw that her best friend’s heart pendant had slipped outside of her camisole top.  She fingered it, thinking of Hailey, who wore the other half of the heart.

If anyone read her diary after she died, they’d know about the real her. They’d call her evil and pro-gay groups would call her a victim. She didn’t want to be either of those things. She wanted to be alive and happy.

Taking a long slow breath, she dialed Hailey’s number.

“Hi, Lisa,” Hailey answered sweetly, as if relieved to hear from her.

Sobs enveloped Lisa, making it impossible to speak.

“You okay? What happened? Tell me where you are.”

The concern in Hailey’s voice made Lisa sob more. This was only the third time she’d ever cried in her life and the first time around Hailey. Lisa never wanted to seem weak. She liked being the tough one, the one who had it all together, or at least pretended to.

 “Remember our pact?”

“What the heck? I need you and love you. Please don’t leave me in this world. You promised you would never leave me,” Hailey pleaded. “Can you drive?”

Lisa nodded, but then realized Hailey couldn’t see her. “I guess.”

“Meet me at our special place.”

“Okay.” Lisa hung up before she could say anything else. She had run out of energy to talk.

The drive to Hailey’s guesthouse seemed to happen in slow motion, especially when she got off the freeway. Every single light turned red as she approached it, as if it were speaking to her, warning her to not tell her secret and ruin her friendship. Would Hailey ever speak to her again?

It seemed like ages ago since she was last here at her own house. She took a deep breath before unlocking the front door. Her dad glanced up from the pile of papers on top of the coffee table and then at the hanging wall clock where the cuckoo pointed to eleven thirty. “Wow. You’re early, didn’t expect you here till a minute or two after midnight.”

“Curfews are so old-fashioned,” she said, trying to both sound normal and turn away from him so he didn’t see her teary, red-smudged face.

“You kids think everything is old-fashioned. But it’s this thinking that leads to New Age ideas that everyone should have sex before marriage and the number of other insane, unnatural theocracies floating around.”

His words jabbed through her skin and straight to her heart.  Might as well shoot me, Dad, it would hurt less.

“Good night,” she said, straining to form the words. She wanted to tell him to go to hell. Tell him he was wrong and didn’t know what he was talking about. But he wouldn’t listen. Maybe Megan was right. Her dad would choose the Church over her. Did she even matter to him or was going to some Mormon heaven, the only thing that mattered to him?

What would he do if he had any idea what she was about to tell her best friend? And what if Hailey told her the same thing as her dad just did? That she was unnatural and crazy? She wasn’t sure she could handle that.

She grabbed her phone out of her back pocket and started to write a text telling Hailey she couldn’t make it tonight, but as she started typing the first letters, another text beeped in.

Shit, it’s too late. Hailey was already in the guesthouse waiting for her.

Lisa sighed deeply and went up to her room to sneak out onto her patio. She opened the adjoining gate and went into the spacious backyard. The guesthouse was surrounded by a large rose garden and was three stories high. The original house, it was built about one hundred years ago. She loved everything about this place and the memories sang sweetly to her throughout the years. She almost turned back, not wanting to ruin or taint the past with the future.

Hailey ran out the door of the guesthouse. “I’m so glad you’re okay. You sounded like you were dying on the phone.”

“Almost.”

Hailey lovingly tossed one of Lisa’s long braids and rose to her tiptoes to give her a hug. “So relieved you’re here! I wish you’d called an hour ago though, I had to walk home.”

The gentle touch soothed Lisa and tears again started to form. She pushed them back as quickly as she could. She didn’t want anyone to see her cry, especially Hailey. Lisa enjoyed being the one Hailey looked up to. But after tonight those worries might be pointless. Hailey might never admire and envy her ever again.

Lisa pushed her gently away and walked ahead of Hailey down the hallway toward the guest room. She wanted to get this over with. If she didn’t do it now, she never would. She collapsed on the comfy couch in the back room, landing on a few of the feathery pillows.

Hailey joined her on the couch, so close their knees were touching. She leaned her head on Lisa’s shoulder, making Lisa feel safe and at home. She wished she could freeze this moment and stay locked in it forever.

As if reading her mind, Hailey said, “I wish we could stay in this guesthouse forever. I’m sick of living in that house with the wicked sister from heck. You’re my real sister, anyway.”  The grandfather clock chimed loudly, signaling it was exactly midnight. Hailey rested her hand on Lisa’s leg. “Hey, remember when we ate our McDonald’s cheeseburgers in here and your mom found that pickle in the living room? How she went completely ballistic and didn’t speak to either of us for weeks?”

Lisa half-smiled at the memory and the enthusiasm in her friend. For being so shy and genuine, she could be such a spaz. Sometimes it seemed like Hailey was two different people, one Hailey with her and another Hailey with everyone else. For a year in elementary school, Lisa had had to be Hailey’s translator because she was the only person she would whisper to.

“Will you love me no matter what?” Lisa asked, more bluntly than she intended.

“Of course. You’re like my adopted sister. The Kelsey I always wanted.”

“I have something horrible I want to say. Well, you’ll think it’s horrible. I don’t know what I think anymore.” Megan’s soft lips flashed through her mind. “But I’m sure my family would disown me if they found out. I have to tell you. Even though I know you won’t like me anymore. I can’t stand to keep this secret and—”

“That’s absurd. I’ll never stop liking you,” Hailey interrupted.

Lisa hoped that was true. The love in Hailey’s blue eyes was evident, but would she ever see it again?

“Just tell me already.” Hailey bit the top of her fingernail.

Why was her best friend acting like the nervous one? Lisa was the one who had everything to lose. She crossed her legs and sat up straighter. “You have to promise me with blood you won’t tell another soul even after death. That’s the only way I can do this.”

Hailey bit off another fingernail. It landed on the carpet between them.

Lisa swallowed hard. The blood contract was only used three times, and Hailey was one of those times because she’d cheated on a math test. Please, who hadn’t cheated before? Lisa’s crime was more serious, breaking-law serious, like stealing a sweater from Nordstrom’s and trying marijuana at her first high school party. Even though Hailey forgave her for those times, this was an entirely different situation. Sexual sinners were next to murderers in Heavenly Father’s eyes according to the Church Prophet. A same-sex kiss alone could get a person excommunicated from the Church.

“Just tell me.” Hailey uncrossed her legs, bumping Lisa in the process.

“I don’t think I can.” Lisa shook her head as Hailey placed her hand to her stomach and leaned over, like she was going to upchuck. “I mean unless you promise,” she added.

Hailey made a Boy Scout sign with her right-hand fingers. There wasn’t a Girl Scout program in Church because they thought it encouraged girls to want to get out in the workforce and not stay home with their children.

Lisa got up off the floor and opened the printer to find a piece of paper. Then she went into the next room where she knew Hailey’s mom kept her sewing kit and chose the sharpest needle. She carried the items back to the front room and knelt down in front of Hailey, who was still biting her fingernails. It was a miracle the girl had any nails left. “Stop that, you’re making me hell-a nervous,” she said, pushing her finger away from her mouth.

Lisa pricked her forefinger with the needle and let a drop of blood fall on the paper. She handed the needle to Hailey and she did the same. The image of Christ bleeding from every pore in the Garden of Gethsemane haunted her. She didn’t know if she could continue. But maybe her best friend could help her change even though she herself had never been able to succeed. Hailey always had a stronger level of faith than her. Maybe, maybe she could cure her?

Trying to shake the image away, Lisa continued, “Promise not to hate me?”

“Yes,” Hailey said in a meek voice, the one she used around other people but not Lisa.

Would Hailey always be afraid of her from now on? Would they ever be as comfortable again as they were now around each other? Lisa hesitated, “wait, I can’t tell you this.”

“You’re driving me nuts,” Hailey said.

Lisa wrote down a few sentences on the white sheet of paper, above where the blood had landed. “Say after me,” she said. When Hailey nodded, she continued. “I promise to drop all judgment and keep this secret as long as we both shall live and even after as the situation applies.”

“There will be no secrets in the afterlife.” Hailey leaned back on the couch and stretched her feet out in front of her.

Scary! What about all those times she had enjoyed herself in the shower, will everyone know that? Will everyone laugh at the big movie screen airing during the final judgment, the robed men watching her every move? An angel will summon lightning, causing the cloud she was standing on to splatter and she’d fall and fall until she reached outer darkness where the worst Mormons go who have known the truth but walked away from it.  Was that what she was doing? Deliberately stepping away from Heavenly Father and the truth when she kissed Megan and acted on her same-sex attraction?

“You there?” Hailey waved her hand in her face.

She came out of her trance, rolling up the zipper on her jacket, but it probably wouldn’t help since the room wasn’t cold. She forced herself to focus on the second sentence she had written down. “I promise to be there for my best friend by first taking care of myself and second to never leave the other one behind or alone.”

Hailey repeated the words and then burped loudly, followed by a nervous giggle.

Lisa didn’t have the strength to laugh. “Last but most importantly, we seal this blood in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.” Her voice cracked on the last part, but Hailey didn’t seem to notice because she joined in midsentence.

The blood had started to dry on the paper and was forming two separate bloodstains. Lisa couldn’t shake the fear inside her that she had just sealed her own death. But now she was in too deep to stop. The damage was done. She was about to curse her best friend into her mess.

“I’m a lesbian,” she said bluntly, not having the energy to sugarcoat it.

“A what?” Hailey jumped away from her like she had a deadly virus. She stood up straight and leaned on the wall, right by the door, as if she was ready to escape any minute.

“You heard what I said.” Huge relief washed over Lisa to the very core of her being, but at the same time her friend’s reaction tore her insides apart.

Hailey’s gaze dropped to the floor as she mumbled something Lisa couldn’t even understand.

“What?” Lisa got up from the floor and stepped over to her friend, but Hailey moved closer to the door. “It’s not a disease, you can’t catch it. Will you just look at me for a moment?”

Hailey finally looked up, but her gaze was far away. “I don’t understand. Didn’t you try to get help? Your dad even volunteers at Evergreen. Isn’t that part of his job to counsel them?” she said the last word, ‘them,’ like it burdened her to actually say the words homosexual, lesbian or gay.

Relief disappeared as hurt flooded her so completely she could barely breathe. “You don’t think I’ve tried? I know my dad’s fourteen steps to straight-hood by heart, and I’ve tried every last one.”

“Did you pray?” Hailey put her hand on the doorknob.

Lisa stepped closer to her. “Every night for years.”

“Well, some people are cursed with same-sex attraction. It will eventually go away and will be replaced by love for men or at least love for God.”

Reaching around her, Lisa placed her hand on the doorknob and opened it. She couldn’t stand a lecture from her. What she wanted was for her to hug her and tell her she accepted and loved her anyway. But the look on her friend’s face was hatred and disgust, her thin lips curled into a disapproving line. She wanted to ask if she still loved her, but actions spoke louder than words.

“I’m going. I can’t take this anymore.” Lisa stormed through the grass like a speed-chaser and weaved her way through the rose gardens and through the gate.

She fought the urge to go back into her car and drive off the edge of the cliff. But even if she was mad at Megan, she still had a point—that would just make her a victim and that would just mean they would win. The cult of Mormonism would have killed her, like the many people down in California who killed themselves because their cult leader wanted them to. She hoped she would survive and never feel such an urge again.

She opened her back door and slipped inside, forgetting to climb to her patio. The kitchen lights overwhelmed her, causing her to blink rapidly. When the room finally came into focus, she noticed her mother standing there, hands on her hips, her face stern.

Chapter Seven

Possession

Hailey rolled around, squishing her face into the pillow out of sheer frustration. She ripped out her earplugs because they weren’t doing any good anyway. She had fallen asleep only a few hours ago. The noise coming from her sister’s room was not the least bit welcome.

She jumped up and headed down the hall to her sister’s room. She opened the door without knocking, giving her sister a taste of her own medicine. “Haven’t you ever heard of an iPod?”

Kelsey was massively old-school when it came to music. A big surprise since she was so trendy in every other way. She was in the process of dressing, and sat on the bed pulling on her right boot, the boot covering most of her leg.

What was with everyone wearing shorts in October?

Reaching for her remote, Kelsey turned it up louder, not deigning to notice her existence.

Why do I even try? Her sister never cared about anything Hailey said or did. Her life revolved around boys, drill team and wine. She was as deep as the water in a baby pool.

Hailey wasn’t in the mood to deal with her sister’s craziness.  After her best friend’s horrifying revelation, all she wanted to do was scream. Stepping over to the stereo, she ripped out the extension cord connected with the right speaker. There, that was a lot better. Now she could hear herself think.

“When did you turn into the bitch from hell? Where’s my sweet little Hailey?”

“She’s on vacation.” Hailey stormed out of her sister’s room and slammed the door behind her, feeling better than she had in days. No more Miss Nice Mormon girl. She was sick of worrying what everyone thought of her, especially the big man in the sky.

Back in her room, she dressed in her favorite pink jeans and a white pullover and stepped up onto the edge of her tub to check out her full reflection in the bathroom mirror. She looked so plain and boring! She wasn’t blessed with Megan’s curvy body or Lisa’s to-die-for eyelashes that never quit. Sure, she did have the cute and tiny blonde thing going, but her face was plain and she was short enough to get into the kiddy rides at a theme park.

Hailey brushed her tangled blond hair ineffectually. It was hopeless. She needed to borrow Kelsey’s straight-iron after she left for school. Maybe the discarded boots of Kelsey’s that Mom had found and given to her would help her appearance for now. She went over to the closet and located them in the back. She put them on, knowing her sister might get mad. But let her. She wasn’t the one with a messed-up best friend who for some reason thought she was into other girls.

Kelsey kicked open the door Buffy-style. Think of the devil’s daughter. She was dressed in tight, black shorts and a red tank top with the phrase Hot & Spicy across her chest.

“What are you doing with those?” Kelsey looked right at the boots on Hailey’s feet.

Hailey pointed to her ears and shook her head, even though she could hear her.

Kelsey stormed over and leaned down like she was going to rip the boots off her feet. “You’re wearing my boots.”

Hailey jumped away from her. “You threw them away after using them once.”

“What were you doing? Sniffing through my room like a hobo?”

“Mom gave them to me. She saw them lying in the laundry room closet forever. And they’re homeless people not hobos. Would you want to be called a spoiled rich girl?” Hailey ran her hands through her hair, loosing a few strands in the process. The chlorine killed her thin hair. Any minute now it was going to start turning green.

“Why not? I’m one,” Kelsey said, matter-of-factly, still watching the boots as if they were going to blow up any minute.  “You can’t have them. They’re mine.” Her hands curled into fists as she placed them on her hips.

“When was the last time you wore them?”

“You’re f-in clueless,” Kelsey said, sounding like she was talking to a first-grader. “You don’t want everyone to think you wear hand-me-downs, do you?”

Almost everyone in the small city of Smithville knew the Mancinis were one of the wealthiest families. Hailey hated that. She didn’t want to stand out. She wanted to be normal and normal people didn’t waste perfectly good shoes. “I don’t care what people think.” If only that were true.

“Oh, why? ’Cause you only care what God thinks?” Kelsey snorted. “You may live in a make-believe world but the rest of us have to live in this one.”

Hailey sighed. Then took off the boots and flung them at her sister. “Don’t throw them away this time.”

“I’ll do what I want. They’re mine.” Kelsey collected the boots and slammed the door.

The hinge on her door was coming loose. Kelsey was evil.  Instead of going to Sunday school class, Kelsey smoked cigarettes behind the Dumpster in the church parking lot with whatever boyfriend-of-the week she was with. Kelsey didn’t even pretend to care about the one true Church anymore, even for Mom’s sake.

Hailey didn’t have time for a shower so she sprayed perfume on her neck and double-doused the deodorant. She wanted to go back to bed so she wouldn’t have to face Lisa, but she did want to apologize to Trent for leaving the dance the way she had. Lisa might not want to be with boys, but she did. A knock on the door startled Hailey out of her mind.

“Gay douche just honked outside,” Kelsey called. She had many rude nicknames for Trent; this one seemed to be her favorite and the most obnoxious.

“I didn’t hear anything.” How could anyone hear anything with the loud music vibrating throughout the huge house? Kelsey had obviously connected her right speaker back to her stereo.

A horn blared from outside.

“Can he not use his legs?” Kelsey said.

Picking up her bag, Hailey bumped her sister on her way out the door. She could feel her flipping her off behind her, as she often did, but she didn’t want to look to find out. She ran out the front door with her bag over her shoulder. Guess she’d have to forget about that straightener and deal with her wavy hair later. That was the least of her worries, anyway.

“Thanks for picking me up. But I do have a car.” She threw her bag in the back of his Jeep and slid in.

“Cleaner for the air.” Trent’s hair had a gorgeous wave, like it’d been styled at a high-end shop. He wore tan pants, a white shirt and a long suede jacket. He shifted his Jeep into gear and drove out into the road.

“I think my car might be a little more sanitary for the environment.” Hailey checked the rearview mirror as a cloud of smoke trailed behind the tailpipe. She loved how he had chosen to have an older, cheaper car and not succumbed to his mother’s pressure about having to look like money at all times.

“My car might not spell money, but it does make the people inside it appear more attractive in comparison.”

The lame but funny joke combined with his monotone voice made Hailey laugh so hard her stomach started to hurt. He winked and then joined her in laughter. The expression on his face reminded her of Lisa. He had his sister’s smart wit, he just rarely used it.

He was laughing so much, he almost missed the turn into school, and swerved in at the last minute, landing his right wheels on top of the curb.

“That’s another reason we need my car,” Trent said as he drove into a parking spot where a group of cowboys liked to hang out, where the only open parking spots were this late. Most of the cowboys didn’t even live on a farm, but enjoyed dancing to and listening to country music. They always wore those dumb cowboy hats and ridiculously tight pants. The girls looked okay in them, but the boys didn’t.

“No, we just need my driving.” Hailey reached for her bag from the back and jumped out.

One cowboy called out to them, “You want a smoke, virgin Mo’s?” Mo was a mean term for Mormons or members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

The boy who said it went to the same church ward they did and was clearly not a virgin. His family forced him to go. He even sat in the front row with his eight brothers and sisters. Hailey and Trent ignored him.

Inside the school’s double doors, Trent started walking her to her locker. “I wish I wasn’t ever cursed with dyslexia, or I could be a senior right now, on my way out of this nightmare,” Trent said.

 A familiar face distracted Hailey. A strand of strawberry hair flew between Lisa’s two dimples, as her laughter echoed down the corridor of Smithville High. Megan stood inches from her, leaning into her.

Lisa’s possessed, there’s no other explanation.

Hailey purposely hit her head against the locker door a lot harder than she meant to. “Oh my Owe,” she cussed, rubbing the wounded spot.

Trent didn’t even bother asking her if she was okay, he just put in her code number and opened the locker, staring at his reflection in the mirror.

Hailey sent the Witch-y Megan a death look. She stole my friend and turned her into an evil lesbian. If only she had powers, she could change her back. Not that possession was real or witches. But something had happened to Lisa and there was no explanation for it. A Mormon had turned sinner and it was all brought on by Megan’s presence.

Hailey blew her bangs out of her face, trying to make sense of everything. The dark-haired girl needed to leave her best friend alone.

“What’s your damage? You look like you just jumped out of a pot of boiling water,” Trent said.

“Nothing. Everything’s fine,” she lied.

“Well, there’s my sister. I’m out-e,” Trent told her as Lisa approached them.

Hailey wanted to duck into her locker. But she wouldn’t be able to fit. Well, maybe. She studied the locker. It wasn’t roomy but maybe she could make it work.

Lisa tossed her Armani tote bag onto her right shoulder and then clenched her geometry book to her stomach, looking nervous. She smiled, revealing her slight overbite. She looked the same. Her drop-dead features flattered her modest yet stylish brown top and blue jeans cinched with a flowered lavender belt.

Hailey wanted to scream. Her best friend was never going to be the same. Nothing was ever going to be like it was before.

After tossing her math book into the locker, Lisa touched Hailey on the shoulder, making her jump.

Real cool, Hailey.

“You going to say something?” Lisa’s hazel eyes bored into hers.

Hailey wanted to slap some sense into her friend, hoping it would make her straight again. She swallowed, fighting the urge to act like a lunatic. “What?” she gulped. That sounded meaner than she wanted it to.

In a lot of ways, Lisa was her sister. And having the she-devil of all sisters on the planet, a loving sister had meant the world to Hailey. “I just don’t get it. You have the perfect life, you’re popular, smart and everybody loves you. You have the biggest house on the block and everyone wants to date you.”

Lisa frowned. “You mean boys.” She placed her King James Bible into her scripture bag.

Did Lisa burn her Book of Mormon with the rest of her sanity?  “Yes,” Hailey said, grabbing her own scripture bag. “I don’t know what you want me to say. It’s not normal.”

“Who says?”

“Heavenly Father, that’s who.”

“It’s too early today for logic that isn’t logic.” Lisa slammed her locker door, snipping off part of Hailey’s fingernail with it.  “See you around. Just don’t tell anyone, you hear?”

She bit off the rest of the fingernail. It hurt like crazy. “What happened to you?” Hailey asked Lisa’s back.

She flipped around to face Hailey and started walking backward. “Nothing. This is me. Question is what happened to you?”

Trent opened the men’s restroom, bumping into his sister. “Watch it,” he snarled at her.

“No, you watch it.” Lisa pushed him so hard he fell against the wall.

She was possessed.

“Now that explains why the cat had a tampon wrapper in her mouth this morning.” Trent stepped beside Hailey.

Under normal circumstances, that’d be funny. But not today! Hailey groaned. She had two classes with Lisa today and wasn’t at all looking forward to being in the same room with her for the next three hours. “I hate my life.”

“What’d your sister do this time?” He collected her scriptures as if they were heavy to carry.

Hailey wanted to tell him it wasn’t her sister. It was his. But she didn’t want him to know there was something wrong between them—not like it wasn’t soon going to be obvious, especially after that extremely public display he’d almost witnessed. Plus, Lisa had sworn her to secrecy. If he started asking questions, she’d have to make up lies and she was so not in the mood to feel guilty or even to talk.

Trent walked her outside to the white brick building next to the school, with its big sign, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints; All Are Welcome.

Instead of having a free period for studying, most students chose to attend seminary. About eighty percent of the school was Mormon, even though some of the students were forced to attend. Hailey was in the choice category, and she assumed Lisa was now in the forced category. Trent held the door for Hailey to step into the building.

A gray man in a suit approached them, winking at Hailey. “I see you’re training him well.”

Trent beamed, shaking his hand.

Hailey ducked around them to peek inside the seminary room, a large school-like room with a large eraser board and adjoining desks. Lisa was in the back row, away from her usual seat. Katrina and Becky were huddled by her, leaning into everything she said as if she were royalty. A huge smile was spread over Katrina’s face, but as usual a skeptical smirk was plastered on Becky’s slightly chubby face.

“I wish you could come with me.” Hailey rose on her tiptoes to give him a goodbye kiss, but she still barely reached his neck. If only she could turn around and leave and miss her first period today! There was only one more hour-and-a-half class after this one until lunch. She could do it, maybe.

“Sorry.” Trent pushed her away as a guy wearing a Harley- Davidson jacket and dark sunglasses walked through the doorway.  “Hi Chase,” he said to him.

Chase bobbed his head.

Hailey rolled her eyes as every single girl turned to look Chase’s way, except for Lisa. “Hello, you there?”

Trent pointed in Lisa’s general direction, while still focusing most of his attention on Chase. “My sister’s right there.”

“I know. I can see her,” Hailey said, forgetting about wanting to keep their fight a secret from Trent.

He finally turned away from Chase to glance at her, raising his sculpted eyebrows. “What did she do this time?” As Hailey shrugged, he continued. “Well, it’s her loss. Now you’ll actually hang out with me for a change?”

He had a point. His sister did interest her more than he did. She’d rather spend her time with Lisa than him. He was perfect for her but he could be so boring. They never had much to talk about. She’d thought about breaking up with him before but he was the only boy who’d ever shown an interest in her. She had wanted to be Lisa’s sister-in-law. At least that had been the plan. Not anymore. She might turn her into a lesbian.

The bearded man in front of the class cleared his throat. “Are you coming in Hailey?” He raised his eyes to Trent. “And where are you supposed to be, young man?”

“Somewhere that’s not here.” He left the room, closing the door behind him.

The high priest started writing on the chalkboard. Out of mindless habit, Hailey started to sit next to Lisa, but as soon as she reached the empty seat, Lisa stretched out her legs to cover it up. What did she just do? Of course Lisa wouldn’t want her to sit with her after their fight this morning. She had just made a fool of herself in front of the entire class.

A few of Lisa’s followers smirked. She swallowed before making her walk of shame to the only empty seat, next to the large man who’d taken a musical interest in indigestion and anal release. It was like fifth grade all over again. Any minute now someone was going to spit in her face and she’d be back to the horrors of outcast-land.

Elder Johnson collected a sack of magazines from his desk and dropped a few at the head of each row. “I’d like you to turn to page fourteen in your New Era.”

A group of boys laughed from the back left row, as they made inappropriate gestures with their hands and legs.

“One more peep from you and your parents will be hearing from me,” Elder Johnson told them.

The boys stopped goofing off, folding their arms instead as they leaned over their desks.

Flipping open the LDS magazine, Hailey landed on the right page. The title words caused her to drop the New Era off the desk. Gosh, no way. The last thing she wanted to talk about in seminary was sexual purity. A boy tapped her from behind and handed her back the magazine. “Thanks,” she mumbled, without looking at him.

“Sister Hailey, would you like to read the first paragraph for us.”

Hailey nodded and began reading as fast as she could, wanting to be over and done with it. “Chastity means being morally clean in our thoughts, words and actions. This sexual purity is pleasing unto God. Our Heavenly Father has given us the scared powers of procreation for the purpose of bringing forth children and for the expression of love within marriage between a man and a woman. He has also—”

“Now I don’t get that,” Chase interrupted, stretching out his arms and popping his knuckles.

“Enlighten us, Brother Chase, who only comes to seminary once in a blue moon,” Johnson snorted. “What don’t you get?”

The whole class focused its attention on Chase, who never spoke up in class and rarely talked to anyone at all. Chase sat on the other side of Hailey in the middle row.

The room was so quiet a spider crawling around could be heard. Chase set down his comic book and finally said, “Many breeders can’t reproduce with the mate of their choice. Four-hundred and fifty species of animals have homosexual um, partners. Not to mention—”

“Stop that right now,” Elder Johnson yelled, stomping his dress shoe.

Chase stood up from his desk and raised his voice. “There is one in a hundred births where a child is born with both male and female reproductive parts. Plus, love is here.” He patted his heart. “Family is here. Not in some biological gene or some fifties style of man controls woman. My father beat my mother for years and what did you people tell him? Go to church, stop the booze. And you enrolled him into an LDS family services counseling. Now, my dad’s locked away for killing my mother.”

“Stop that right now,” Elder Johnson thundered. “I’m going to call security.”

Chase raised his voice, ignoring him. “Fast forward years later, my aunt is kicked out of your church for being in a loving relationship and when her partner passes away from breast cancer none of you people even bother to come to the funeral.”

Everyone in class gaped at him, not just because of what he was saying but the fact he had spoken more than three words put together.

“Now you stop that filthy language right now. If you don’t get out of this room I will call security.” He got out his cell phone and started punching in numbers.

“Heil, to the leader,” he saluted Elder Johnson Hitler-style as three security men in suits burst into the classroom like SWAT team members. They grabbed his arms and dragged him out the door.

“Everyone read the New Era or the Book of Mormon for the rest of the hour,” Elder Johnson told the class, taking off his glasses and throwing them on the desk.

What the heck just happened? Frozen in her chair as the bodies moved around and out of their seats.

“What a freak!”

“Steroid-case!”

“I think he’s sexy.”

“He must be a gay.”

Talk flew around Hailey, but she couldn’t budge.

“Gotta go to the little girl’s room.” Lisa got up from her chair and left the room, probably going to follow Chase since they had so much in common now.

Hailey doubted she had to pee or that she was even coming back. Part of her wanted to follow Lisa and Chase to see if they were okay. But she was too much of a coward.

Hailey flipped through the rest of the New Era, not wanting to focus on that particular article. She got out her highlighter, but went into a daze as she tried to read the magazine. What was she going to do about Lisa? It was like Smithville was turning into San Francisco, and fast! The reason people stayed here was to avoid this type of drama. Same-sex attraction was wrong. It was that simple. Why couldn’t Lisa or Chase see that?

The bell rang, startling her into dropping the yellow high-lighter. “No wonder why he’s so hot, he’s a dog who’s into dogs,” Becky said as she passed by her desk.

Katrina Smith’s voice brought her out of shock mode. “Beck, you’re just upset because you’ve been lusting after him for years now, and he’s no longer appropriate husband material. I don’t know, though. You might have a chance if he’s into dogs.”

But Becky had focused her attention on Hailey. “What’s up with Lisa? She never came back.”

It took Hailey a few minutes to realize she was talking to her.  “Not sure,” she finally said.

“Well, you might want to make sure she didn’t fall into the toilet.” Becky tossed her red hair and sauntered out of the room.

That was the first time Becky had addressed Hailey directly all year long. Was she popular now? Not that it helped her feel any better. She wanted to chew out Becky for being mean. Once again she was a coward.

Outside, the fresh air helped her get some of her sanity back. She wanted to ditch the rest of her three classes for the day and skip swimming. That’d be the only way she could be assured she wouldn’t run into Lisa. She still wanted to save her, but she had to figure out how to go about it without everyone else knowing what was going on, without embarrassing herself any more than she had already.

Besides, she could practice in her own pool. She could fake a stomachache and go home early. Get in her BMW convertible, with the top down, and head to the coast, even though it’d take a day to get there.

Yeah, right. She’d never done anything like that in her whole life. Her sister had run away a few times and the cops were even called one time, but Hailey didn’t like to do anything that might look bad to Heavenly Father and to her parents. She wished she didn’t have a conscience. Life would be a heck of a lot more fun.

But her stomach was starting to hurt so it wouldn’t really be a lie. Must be from all the stress. She didn’t have any tests today. Unfortunately, she had let Trent drive her to school so she didn’t have her own car, but home wasn’t that far away, and the walk would relax her nerves and let her think. Still, walking was one of her least favorite activities. Maybe she could call her mom to come pick her up instead.

Not even bothering to go back into the school, she got out her cell phone and dialed her mom. “Hello,” she croaked into the phone, pretending to have a sore throat.

***

The medicine her mom had given her had completely drugged her out. She peeked at her alarm clock, noticing it was about almost seven o’clock. She had slept the entire day away.

Feeling groggy and in dire need of exercise, she dressed in her swimsuit and shorts and headed downstairs. She hoped her mom wouldn’t keep her from getting into the pool.

Noises from the family room echoed as she stepped down the stairs. It sounded like everyone was fighting, but there was no way to get into the pool with the family room being at the bottom of the staircase.

“Hailey,” her mom said, looking up at her. “Help me here.”

Kelsey and Dad were sitting on the leather couch with a tub of popcorn between them along with caffeinated soda. They were both staring up at the TV, oblivious to anything else going on around them.

“What’d you need?” Hailey asked as both her dad and sister burst out laughing at something on the screen.

“I don’t want them watching this show,” her mom said, gesturing to Kelsey and her dad. “But they won’t listen. It’s from ABC, where they show all those gay shows.” As Mom talked, the TV volume increased. “They represent no moral fiber and every other joke is about sex of some kind.”

This was the last topic she wanted to discuss with anyone. Everywhere she went the topic of discussion was about same-sex attraction. Lisa, seminary and now this. Geez, I’ve only been awake for like four hours today. “Tell them to stop.”

“You don’t think I’ve tried that,” her mom snapped. “Never mind, this’ll work.” She walked to the TV and ripped out the cord.

“We were watching that!” Kelsey and Dad yelled in unison, like they were sharing the same brain. The same filthy brain filled with dirty sitcoms and filthy movies.

“Not in my house,” Mom said.

Kelsey stood up from the couch. “As if? Your mediocre Avon salary couldn’t even pay for one room.”

She was right. The house was paid for by her father’s parents who had money rolling into the family coffers even after they passed away. Still that was super rude and uncalled for. Her mother agreed with Hailey. “Go to your room. You’re grounded for the weekend.”

“Fine, I’ll just sneak out,” Kelsey mumbled under her breath.

Luckily, Mom didn’t seem to notice. She turned to Dad. “You know I don’t like you watching this stuff.”

“Come. Sit down,” he said placatingly. “We’ll watch something else or just listen to music.”

Her mom sat down on the couch. “Music. Please.” She handed over the remote for the stereo system to her husband. “I need a back rub now. You owe me that for giving me this extra stress in my neck.”

Dad did as Mom said. He always did.

This was the time to sneak out and go swimming before either of them noticed. She cruised as fast as she could to the swimming pool. She needed the swim now more than ever. What was with this universe nowadays? Why couldn’t she have grown up in the eighteenth century when there was no such thing as gay shows or gay anything? But then again, there wouldn’t be the fancy gadgets they had nowadays either, like a personal swimming pool. Heck, most people didn’t even have that. In fact, it kind of sucked that there were people who didn’t even have an apartment to live in, and she had all this.

Diving into the warm pool immediately gave her release. She glided through the water, doing the breaststroke as if she owned the lane. Underwater she could be anything she wanted. No one watched over her shoulder or picked on her. Schoolwork and everyday stresses didn’t seem as potent as she flew through the warm water swimming her favorite stroke.

Under the water, it didn’t matter who your friend was attracted to or what your life looked like or even who you worshipped. The only thing that mattered was the bubbly water surrounding her. She breathed in, hoping she could swim the next few weeks away or maybe even swim until high school was over and she could attend Brigham Young University, where she would meet a man who was worthy marriage material. Live forever as one! If only it wasn’t Trent, she’d be fine.

She needed to break up with him. He was a close friend, but not someone she wanted to make out with or do anything with beyond that. He’d have to do until a dreamier stranger walked in who didn’t care the least bit about his appearance or wasn’t excessive about the environment and worst of all wasn’t related to her ex-best friend who thought she was into girls. How nuts was that. Someday she’d realize it. And it would be up to Hailey to save Lisa’s soul, even though it’d be tough with people like Chase and Megan filling her head up with lies.

Chapter Eight

Real Date

Friday couldn’t have come soon enough for Lisa. Her own best friend had barely spoken to her all week and everyone in school treated her like a social pariah. Hailey wasn’t in her top five right now, but she was nothing like the evils of Becky who had loudly insulted her to anyone who would listen and it didn’t matter how close Lisa was as she did it. Becky needed to get her butt kicked to hell or somewhere that would teach her to keep her mouth shut. And all because Lisa had left seminary class early to find Chase, who was long gone. Maybe he was beat up by the security men who’d escorted him out of seminary. Anything was possible. She didn’t have any classes with Chase, and he sped out fast during lunch on his motorcycle. She did have multiple classes with Hailey, though, and it was miserable.

Lisa had read somewhere on the Internet that Brigham Young University had once performed shock treatments on gay men to get them to be straight, and there was a gay couple in downtown Salt Lake City who were arrested and thrown to the floor just for a mere kiss on the cheek.

Lisa dug in her closet for her New Era church magazines she had saved over the last few years. Then she kicked her yellow garbage can toward herself. She started ripping the first one out, ruining the shiny happy smile of a beautiful blonde on the cover who was carrying a plate of muffins. “Could they get girls with real personalities? Not ones they bought at a trophy girls’ store?” She ripped every last one of them into the tiniest pieces humanly possible so Mom wouldn’t find out what she had done. Since she rarely had anything better to do than shop, gossip, or go through the trash on the lookout for drugs. She’d be the top trophy wife in White Hills, if she wasn’t so fucking paranoid.

Lisa lifted a larger box full of items from Hailey and dropped it, scattering letters, cards and gifts all over the bedroom floor. She picked up a toy snake that Hailey had given her at a carnival and tossed it in the garbage. Hailey had won it by dunking all the mini basketballs in the hoop. She’d given the snake to Lisa because she was deathly afraid of them. Hailey was afraid of her own shadow back then. Thanks to Lisa for helping boost her self-esteem and make the other kids stop picking on her.

Yet, when I needed her most she wasn’t there for me. What a fucking hypocrite!

Lisa threw it in the trash and picked up a printed-out e-mail. The letter was sent to Dear Everlasting Friend. Yeah, right. She ripped it up in one long stroke and then continued to tear it up into mini pieces, not even bothering to put them all in the trash.

As she reached for a mini-guitar Hailey had given her a note dropped out from the toy. Lisa unwrinkled the paper and read: “You’ll be a Singing Sensation, bigger than the rest! One day you’ll charge me hundreds of dollars.”

Her phone started singing a Pink song. She checked the caller ID, but it read unknown. She picked it up on the third ring.

“Hiya sexy. You forgive me?” Megan’s voice ran through her like a refreshing wave.

Lisa sat up excitedly. She had waited for her to call last night like she had promised, but nothing. “Maybe.”

“What if I ask you out on a date, will you forgive me then?”

Butterflies danced along her veins. “Depends,” she said, trying to play hard to get. Plus, it was fun to tease her. No guy had ever made her want to flirt; this was a new thing for her. What do you know? The act of mating could be so deliciously fun!

Megan cleared her throat. Somehow she made that noise even sound hot. “On?”

“On where we’re going?” Lisa raised her voice flirtatiously. “On if we’re going to be alone? Or what kind of action happens at the end of the date. Kissing or making out because if it’s too much lip-locking then I might have to hold out. I like to take things slow.” Lie. She wanted to run her lips against Megan’s tanned, smoking body.

“I’ll meet you at the cemetery in thirty minutes.”

Lisa opened her mouth to ask what she was supposed to wear, but the phone was dead. She searched in her cell phone contacts for Megan’s number. She dialed.

“What?” a male voice answered on the first ring.

Lisa breathed in, wondering if she should just hang up.

“What?” the man repeated.

“Is Megan there?”

“No, haven’t seen her for a few days. But if you see her tell her she’s due home. The house needs a cleaning.” He hung up.

What was his psychological damage? No wonder why Megan hated going home. But if she wasn’t home, where was she sleeping? Did she really sleep in the cemetery? Lisa might not like her family, but they’d never kick her out on the streets. If she’d been missing for a few days, her parents would call the police, freaking. Wouldn’t they? She wasn’t sure what they would do if they ever found out she was a lesbian.

Flipping through her closet, she decided on a black skirt and white button-down shirt. This outfit could fit most occasions. But she pulled out blue jeans and shorts to bring along with her.

Nine o’clock was too late to be going out of the house so Lisa pulled out the standing poster of a CW star, a hair extension wig from the bottom dresser and hid the fake body under her bedspread and laid a strawberry blond wig on top of the pillow.  Since the doors couldn’t be locked, she’d just have to pray her mom wouldn’t walk in. Mom and Dad were at some fancy benefit thing and would be home late anyway. She hoped she would be home before them, or she might get into major trouble. Trent’s Jeep was outside, but she didn’t care what he was doing, Buddha or Pilates or something strange.

Lisa ducked out the back door and out to the front of the house. Luckily, she had been too lazy tonight to park in the third-car garage. Her car was on the side road.

Shifting out into the road, she rolled down her convertible top, sucking in the fresh air and feeling alive for the first time since the kiss from Megan. Turning Lady Gaga on full volume, she sang her heart out to “Bad Romance,” about a girl trying to have a relationship with another girl.

“Free Falling” by Tom Petty was the other song included in her CD case. She sang it full volume as she crossed through the many four-way stops and lights intended to slow down drivers other than herself.

Megan leaned against a tree, a cigarette in her mouth. She spat it out of her mouth and stepped on it before jumping over the door and into Lisa’s car.

“My, aren’t we coordinated.”

Megan wore short black shorts and a burgundy tank top, a pullover jacket folded on her lap. She grinned. “You have no idea.”

Shaking her head, Lisa started the car. “Where to?”

Making a face at the Tom Petty song, Megan clicked it off. “Salt Lake Hell.”

“You serious? It’s over sixty miles away.”

Megan winked. “We can do it in forty, if you let me drive.”

“Not on your life—or death if that might be the case.” Lisa clicked her night lights on. The freeway was close to the cemetery. One reason the place rocked so much!

Stealing the satellite radio knobs, Megan found a recent rap song. She screamed the words by heart while she applied mascara.

Trying not to focus more on her than the road, Lisa dodged minivan after SUV. What luck! The most beautiful creature she’d ever seen was going on a date with her. A real date! Billboard after billboard flew past, one an advertisement for the Salt Lake Temple visiting grounds and another advertisement on where to find temple garments.

The music volume turned down, Megan raised her eyebrows. “Magic underwear? You mean that’s not a myth?”

Lisa laughed. “No, it is. The problem is they believe it.” Exit signs for Salt Lake City loomed in front of them. She took the sixth south one, slowing down. “They believe in a lot of hocus- pocus stuff. Like hot drinks and caffeine are of the devil, and the Holy Ghost feels like a fire burning in your soul. You can’t swim on your mission because it’s evil, and you can’t do anything on Sunday except go to Church and listen to Mormon music.”

Megan scrunched up her nose. “Lost and delirious, much.”

They drove into the park where a carnival was being held and waved at a short bored-looking boy behind a valet attendant booth. Most people in Salt Lake City didn’t bother paying for valet; the streets were mostly safe and it was cheaper to park your own car, but Lisa liked to. Anything that required more than the least amount of walking was a pain and, after all, she did have a disposable income. To make up for his rarely being home, her dad gave her a large weekly salary.

Lisa gave the valet attendant ten bucks to park her Porsche. She stepped out of the car to face the gates of a downtown carnival ablaze with people, luckily all of them teens or college students. The old folks and screaming babies and kids had gone home for the night, probably to get ready for Church in the morning.

“What are you afraid of?” Megan reached for her hand and tugged her to the admission table and then into the line for the closest ride, a small rocket launcher. The carnival was nothing like Lagoon, the big amusement park, but it was decent.

No one gave them a funny look for holding hands. In fact, they weren’t even the only ones. A gay couple jumped in the line behind them with their arms around each other while they were sneaking warm kisses on the lips and cheeks.

As if reading her thoughts, Megan said, “So nice to see gay people do exist in this foreign world.” Taking her jacket off and tossing it on the grass, Megan got on one of the rides.

Showing the attendant her wrist stamp, Lisa joined her. “Supposedly there are more gay and lesbian people here in Salt Lake than in most cities in the nation.” She’d researched it on the net.

Megan cuddled up close to her, making Lisa squeal with excitement. Luckily, the ride starting had masked her outburst.

After the tilt-o-wheel, Lisa’s stomach started to growl. Feeling her face flush with embarrassment, she covered up her tummy. “You hungry?”

Megan picked up her jacket off the grass and followed her out of the ride. “No, but I can tell you are.” Megan grasped her hand, guiding the way to the refreshment booth nearby.

They only had to wait for a straight couple with head-to-toe tattoos to finish their order and then they were up. “Nachos, hot dogs, fries,” Megan read them off the menu as if Lisa couldn’t read for herself.

“Fries!” Lisa cheered. Nothing sounded better than wholesome fries and ketchup. “Extra ketchup.” She reached inside her purse to pay for it but Megan beat her to it.

Probably reading her anxious expression, Megan said, “Don’t worry. I can manage a couple of bucks.”

They took their large order of fries over to a grassy area that didn’t seem overly occupied. Lisa plopped down on the grass, trying to hide her panties from showing.

“Here.” Megan gave her the black jacket and set it on top of her black skirt.

A few minutes later, Lisa tossed the last fry into her mouth. “Let’s go on the Ferris wheel.”

Megan jumped up and threw the carton in the trash. She grabbed her arm and led her to the Ferris wheel. The line was long, but Lisa didn’t mind. She wanted this night to last forever. Tomorrow never had to come!

Megan ran her fingers through Lisa’s hair as they waited in line. Her soft touch swam throughout her whole body. She almost didn’t notice when the attendant signaled them forward and into the ride. She didn’t hesitate to cuddle as close as possible to Megan.

Who was this girl she was so comfortable with? She was drop-dead gorgeous but not stuck up or full of herself. Sure, she was confident and self-assured, but in a way that was admirable. She wanted to know everything about her and where she had come from.

As the ride jerked forward, Lisa asked, “What did your parents say when you told them about you know…?”

“My dad beat me with a belt and then topped it off by burning me with my stepmom’s iron.”

Lisa pulled back. “I’m so sorry.”

“No skin off my back.” She squeezed Lisa’s hand tighter. “Well literally, but not figuratively.”

Lisa didn’t know what to say to that, so she remained quiet. No wonder Megan looked so much older. She’d had to grow up fast.

Megan gazed down as the ride came to a halt, but said nothing. She clearly didn’t want to continue their discussion and that was fine with Lisa. She had enough problems of her own to deal with. She didn’t want to think about anyone else’s right now, even if they were Megan’s.

The ride stalled at the top. Lisa breathed in, trying to enjoy her favorite place. She loved heights, everything about them. High distances put everything in perspective, especially the fact that humans are only a small part of the universe.

Megan scooted closer to her, giving Lisa an opportunity to kiss her on the cheek.

“This is how you do it.” Megan gave her a full-on kiss on the mouth.

Nothing could be sweeter than this moment. The noise down below hummed in the distance, as they sat in the sky, where Lisa could be who she was, without fear of other people’s judgments.

The ride started back up again, jerking them apart. Megan lifted her hands, revealing her hot belly ring. How could Lisa be so lucky to be next to this heavenly beauty?

“Come on.” Megan got out of the ride.

Lisa didn’t want to get out. She wanted to stay there the rest of the night. She forced herself to follow her.

“Nice technical difficulties.” Megan winked at the young male attendant who grinned back, blushing all over.

“Gross. Is that why we were up there that long?”

“We got the longest ride of the night. Don’t underestimate the hotness of two sexy girls kissing. It might come in handy in the future. Trust me!”

Megan ran to the nearest game and picked up a real-looking rifle. She laid down a few quarters at the plump woman hosting the game, who frowned. “It costs three dollars,” the butch-looking woman said.

As Megan dug in her back pocket for more change, Lisa laid a five on the table. “For both of us.”

“You’re on, chica.”

Damn, her rifle wasn’t working. Oh wait. There it was. The power of the rifle took her back as she barely missed the game attendant, who scowled, moving to the buzzer to end the game.

Shooting every single milk carton with the ease of a professional, Megan won the game right before the attendant pushed the buzzer. Megan threw both her hands up for a high slap. The woman ignored her so she moved to face Lisa, who slapped her back.

“I want that one.” Megan pointed to an Avatar stuffed character. The woman threw a smaller SpongeBob toy at her, hitting her face.

“Loser,” Megan called at the woman, who was closing the blinds to signal the game was over. “I don’t want to touch that thing,” she said, tossing the stuffed toy.

Laughing, Lisa picked the SpongeBob toy off the grass and then checked the crowd. It had thinned out significantly, and a mob of people was moving to the exit.

Checking her watch stopped her heart momentarily. It was after one o’clock. At this rate, she wouldn’t get home until dawn. “I better go,” she said regretfully to Megan. If she didn’t, her mom might ground her until she was twenty-five and take her car keys away permanently.

They headed into the crowd of people on their way out of the gates. Suffocation threatened from being so close to everyone.  Megan took her hand, and she relaxed a little. She hated crowds.

Finally out in the fresh air, where Lisa could move without bumping into people, she gave her valet card to the attendant. A short girl about twelve with a tousle of dirty brown hair and an African American grungy-looking boy, who looked a few years older, waved excitedly in their direction from the sidewalk. They both carried a pillow and large soft-packs on their backs.

“Do you know them?” Lisa scrunched up her nose, because the smell radiating from them was strong.

“No.”

“Blood,” the girl said in full volume, dropping her heavy pack and running to Megan at full speed.

“Well maybe.” Megan slowly turned to the two intruders.  “Little Comet. Long time no see.”

What kind of name was that? No one named their kid “little.”  Who carried around luggage that weighed more than they did? The girl could only be about a hundred pounds.

Was she for real or had she passed out on one of the rides and was suffering a hallucination?

“Just two weeks ago is all,” Little Comet said meekly. The brown-haired girl was mousy looking with bent-up glasses with a huge dark stain on her yellow sweatshirt.

Weird. Wasn’t Megan still in New York City then? Her first day of school was only a few days ago, when she’d been here longer than two weeks? The more she got to know the girl, the less it seemed she knew her.

“Wha’s up, little cutie?” A smile broke out on Megan’s face.  Clearly she was fond of the girl. The boy slapped Megan’s palm in greeting.

If that was the case, why had she pretended to not know her?  Could the night get any weirder? She sighed in relief as her blue Porsche pulled up to them.

“We’re going to church tomorrow.” Little Comet lit up with the joy of it. No wonder why they called her that. Must be some kind of nickname.

The boy noticed Megan’s confused expression and started to explain. “We got invited to this Unitarian church where they’ll feed us breakfast and lunch. We’re even welcome to clean up in their bathroom so we can attend church.” He had red circles in his eyes and he looked spacey, as if he was strung out. What the hell? How did she know these people?

“Do you drive that?” Little Comet raised her thick eyebrows at Lisa. The boy roamed around the car like he was going to steal it.

“Let’s go,” Lisa whispered to Megan.

“Wave, if you dare breathe on it, you’ll set off the alarm,”  Megan laughed, as if it was a funny joke.

Wave puckered his thick lips to exhale a long breath at the car.

This wasn’t cool. Were they making fun of her? Ignoring them, Lisa clicked her car doors open and got inside. She wanted to lock the doors and take off, leaving Megan to fend for herself.

But before she could even turn the key in the ignition, Megan hugged Little Comet and Wave and got in.

Lisa started the car, checking her rearview mirror. The two young teens had picked up their giant backpacks and began walking away from the crowds with a security guard on their tails. “Who were those people?”

“Just people.” Megan rested her head against the back of the seat as her eyelids dropped down.

Reaching the freeway, Lisa wanted to push it further. She needed to know what those young teens were doing and how they knew her date. “Who names their kids Wave and Little Comet?”

“That’s their street names.”

“What’s that?”

Megan jerked her head from the headrest. “You mean you don’t know?”

Lisa shook her head.

“For being so smart, I’d never think you were almost as naïve as your friend, Heather or whatever.”

“Hailey,” Lisa corrected her, “but this isn’t about her.”

“The nuclear toxic waste must be seeping into everyone’s brain around here. Utah is like the number one dumping ground for BS and hazardous chemicals.” Fire burned in Megan’s voice. “They dump their kids out on the streets like they’re part of their nuclear trash. It’s beyond hypocritical and spiteful.”

The passion rolling off Megan’s tongue scared her. She wanted to look away, but she just couldn’t. Especially, when the realization of what she had just said hit her like multiple bullets.

“You mean. They’re homeless.” She didn’t need to see Megan’s nod to know she had finally figured it out. “What kind of animal would do that to their own kids?” Lisa had to focus on the cars in front of her, or they’d both end up splattered on the freeway. A cop car zoomed past them on a chase to get a speeder ahead of them. Checking her own speed, she realized she was going fifteen miles under the speed limit. She pushed it up to eighty.

She slowed down a little bit when Megan started talking again. “I hear they’re moving it to an underground location. But somehow I think the fumes will still seep into people’s minds somehow.” She lit up a cigarette and blew a smoke ring.

Huh? Was she talking about the homeless or hazardous waste? In her mind, the innocent doughy face of Little Comet stared back at her. Shivers ran through her at the idea of staying on the street night after night with just the items in your backpack and a pillow.

Lisa started to roll down the top of her blue Porsche. “Don’t you dare,” Megan said, reaching over her lap to get hold of the button to open the cover.

Sparks flew up from the places Megan had touched and directly to Lisa’s heart. Shuddering with warmth in the cold night breeze, she no longer needed to roll her top down. She was consumed by an energy ring of fire and passion. She wanted to know what it was like not just to kiss Megan, but to make out with her for hours and have her body caress hers. Lisa had never wanted to know what it was like to French kiss, but now the idea thrilled her. Her tongue caressing Megan’s tongue ring sounded deliciously wonderful.

Megan retreated to her seat which gave Lisa a chance to calm down and recover. “How was it with a guy?” Lisa asked.

“It was nice and all, but I get more heart slamming and energy when I have to defend myself on the streets.” Megan pumped her hands into fists.

“What?” Lisa’s mouth fell open.

“My mom was mad and switched the locks on me.” Reading her expression, Megan added, “Relax, I didn’t murder anyone or even get into a fight. That day, anyway. She just wanted a chance to spend a night with her new rich honey.”

How could Megan deal with a torn-up family? For the first time Lisa appreciated the stability of the family she had. They’d never let her be homeless or even poor and the chance of her parents getting a divorce were slim to none. “Wow. You’ve been through so much.”

“Not seeking pity.”

An hour later Megan got out of the car at her trailer house. She went around to the other side of the car, poking her head through her window as her silky dark hair fell in front of Lisa.

Without being too obvious, Lisa breathed in the raspberry scent of her hair. A pimple forming on Megan’s normally clear face made her seem real, capable of feeling pain and loss.

Megan opened her mouth like she was going to say something and then quickly shut it. Instead, she threw the SpongeBob toy at Lisa like it was an exploding bomb. It landed in the passenger seat, but Lisa picked it up and rubbed it in her face.

Megan shivered. “Get that thing away from me. Just the idea of a talking soap at the bottom of the ocean, it’s freaky.”

Since when did anything frighten her? A cartoon, of all things, scared her when sleeping in cemeteries didn’t?

“I’m not going to kiss you unless you put that thing away.”

Lisa immediately tossed the stuffed toy in the back. Too afraid to get out of the car in case Megan’s daddy showed up, Lisa remained where she was as Megan leaned in for the kiss.

The full moon didn’t matter anymore. The homeless kids at the carnival finally started to slip away and even Hailey’s reaction to her sexual orientation disappeared into a blur as her tongue caressed Megan’s.

A light from inside the trailer came on, breaking their embrace. Damn. Someone needed to shoot that sorry excuse for a human being. Instead, the so-called human being stuck a long rifle out of his window. “Who’s there?” he demanded.

“Must have found the crystal stash I tried to hide,” Megan joked, as she jerked away from the window. At least, it seemed she was joking.

Not waiting for a goodbye, Lisa stepped on the gas pedal, letting the Porsche ride out of there at full speed. She wasn’t taking any chances with a madman like that around. The exhilaration of the kiss combined with the near-death experience she had just witnessed made her smile. Maybe it was just all the adrenaline flowing through her, but for the first time in a long time, she wanted to see a new day.

Chapter Nine

Heterosexually Challenged

Hailey paced back and forth in the hallway trying to figure out what to do about Lisa. How was she going to help her friend get her head on straight and other parts of her to go straight as well? No one was actually a lesbian. Some people might have been born with certain ungodly desires, but with enough prayer they can get over them and live a straight life.

“You’re making me nervous. Sit.” Mom set down her sewing needle and patted the couch next to her. “Tell us what’s wrong.”

Hailey sat down, crossing her legs underneath her on the couch. Her mom would know what to do. Didn’t she always know what to do? She wanted to tell her, but didn’t know how, especially without revealing Lisa’s secret.

“Come on, dish it out. Can’t have you doing this all night long, you’ll give me an ulcer.” Her mom glanced at her father. “Kurt, listen. Our daughter needs help.”

He looked up from his magazine, but immediately buried his face back in it when Mom focused back on Hailey.

Hailey could always do the friend of a friend story, but what if they traced it back to Lisa? Either way, she needed answers and fast. Taking in a deep breath, she started. “One of my friends is having trouble with her friend. She came to me for advice because this friend of hers is a lesbian or says she is one. And she doesn’t—”

“Don’t you dare say that word in my house!” Mom screamed.

Dad peeked up from his science magazine and winked at Hailey. “What she supposed to say, heterosexually challenged?”

Mom shook like she had frostbite. “I just hate that word; it sounds so graphic and evil.”

Her dad rolled his eyes and then nodded at Hailey, “You were saying.”

“Well, she came to me for advice on whether she should just tell her friend to take a hike or if she should try to bring her back to the fold, so to speak.” Hailey chewed on her nails. What if Mom figured out who she was talking about? Lisa would be furious beyond measure.

Mom cleared her throat. “I would tell this friend of yours to tell her friend that she can’t allow herself to be brought down by others to this gay disease. So if she doesn’t come back to the Church and learn how to be straight, she couldn’t associate with her or be friends with her ever again and—”

“What if they’d been friends for a long time?” Hailey blurted out. There was no way she could lose Lisa. They had promised to be friends forever, no matter what. But what if Mom was right; and she’d turn into a lesbian if she hung out with Lisa?

Her mom sighed impatiently. “Doesn’t matter. What if Christ had said that to his former right-hand man, Lucifer? Where would we be now? We would all be in that two-thirds that fell down from heaven, refusing to get a body.”

Hailey rocked back and forth. She wasn’t Christ and certainly not Lucifer. She’d never be responsible for billons of souls being forced into outer darkness forever. This was her sweet best friend who had always been there for her through the worst times and the better. She couldn’t even imagine a heaven without Lisa in it. But was her mom right? Could Lisa bring her down to hell?

“Isn’t Steve White part of that Evergreen International where they counsel teens in her position? Give your friend his information to pass on.” Luckily, her mom didn’t seem to be catching on to the small fib that she was really talking about Lisa.

Dad grunted from his lazy chair. What he always did when he wanted to say something, but didn’t want to get into a fight with Mother. She’d have to ask her dad when Mom wasn’t around. He didn’t seem to approve, but as usual Mom pretended not to notice as she got up from her seat and dug into her yellow Avon purse. “I think I have one of his cards right here.”

“Here it is.” Mom handed her a business card with the words Evergreen International engraved on it, with a design of a spruce tree.

Faking a smile to try to look appreciative, Hailey accepted the business card. Not that it would do any good. She couldn’t go there without Lisa, it would look suspicious and Lisa would never accept help from her father about such a matter, probably for fear he would ground her forever.

Her mom sat down beside Hailey and laid her palm on top of her hand. Hailey tore her hand away, feeling uncomfortable. Her mom patted her shoulder instead, not getting the message. Mom’s touch always seemed controlling and cold. She cleared her throat and said, speaking sharply, “It’s critical to her salvation that you tell that friend of yours to give her satanic friend of hers an ultimatum—either she agrees to overcome her same-sex attraction or she can’t be her friend anymore. I will not have you be in any way associated with those horrible people. You hear?”

The finality in her voice frightened Hailey. Lisa wasn’t satanic! Nor was she the kind of monster her mom was making her out to be. Wasn’t Jesus the kind of person who accepted everyone? The Mormon Church centered their teachings on Christianity.

“Thanks.” Hailey got up from the couch, wanting to get out of the room.

She needed comfort food, so she headed to the kitchen to make nachos for a late snack. As the cheese sauce cooked in the microwave, Hailey placed her cup under the hot chocolate machine, courtesy of Mom’s personal Avon store.

Bringing her snack to the kitchen table, she hoped her mom wouldn’t come in here. She wanted to take the food into her room, but it’d be too hard to make it up there without her mom spotting her.

She downed a long drink of hot chocolate with her eyes closed, enjoying the creamy flavor. Shoes pounding on the tile floor alerted her. She shot up, almost spilling the drink on her shirt. Oh Gosh, was that Mom?

Hailey released the air she was holding as Dad went over to the cocoa machine to make his own cup with a lot less chocolate and more water. As a diabetic, he had to watch his carbohydrates, especially the pure sugars. He had a tiny gut he needed to get rid of so he’d been working out lately and eating a better diet. His thinner face revealed the twenty pounds he had lost over the past few months.

He sat down on the chair next to hers and set down his watered-down cocoa. Concern deepened the aging lines on his face. “Mom means well. But she’s not always right. That friend you were talking about, that was Lisa wasn’t it?”

Oh no! Hailey bit one of her fingernails off nervously.

“Relax, Hails,” Dad said in his easygoing, soothing voice.  He was the only other person besides Lisa who called her that. “I can keep a secret.”

Hailey believed him. Her dad was the most honest man she’d ever met. He didn’t seem to have a spiteful bone in his body. Her parents were as different from each other as dawn was from twilight. “Thanks.”

“I will keep the secret as long as you promise me one thing.” Her dad waited until she nodded before he continued. “You are there for your friend when she needs you the most. That’s the real Mancini way.”

“I promise.” Hailey got up to hug her dad from the back, wanting him to take her back to a younger time when there weren’t such difficult choices ahead of her. Given these two conflicting viewpoints, she wasn’t sure what to do. But Dad’s advice seemed to come from a place of love where her mom’s advice came from a place of fear or control. Still, what did God and the Church want? Mom seemed way more into the Church than her father, but he did go on a mission to Canada and he went even if Mom had to talk him into it on occasion. Hailey was so confused.

***

Lisa signaled Hailey to follow her into the high waves.  Something deep inside told her not to go. The energy and movement from Lisa caught her in a trap, and she felt as if she was propelled by an unseen force.

As soon as Hailey made the decision to go, the sun immediately turned into a moon as darkness blanketed the sky. The sand burned under her feet, beckoning her to turn around. She stepped into the ocean instead, but questioning whether the cold water was worth it.

Lisa dove in as a large wave encircled her. She didn’t come out for a long time.

Fetch, Lisa’s drowning! Hailey jumped in to save her, swam a few strokes and then gasped for air as the salty water sank into her lungs. Lisa was dead and it was all her fault. She could have saved her, but her hesitation cost her life. Numbness spread through Hailey.

Relief replaced her intense shock as strawberry-blond hair came out of the shallow end. Was that Lisa? Had she survived?

Lisa landed into the arms of Megan, who wore a burgundy bikini that flattered her silky dark hair and large breasts. They rose out of the ocean like they were flying. The two of them embraced in a long hug and kiss. Flesh rubbed against flesh.

The sound of laughter came from Becky, Trent and Kelsey as they stood on the shore pointing Hailey’s way. A huge wave came straight toward her, drowning Hailey with its mad current. Seawater burned her throat and lungs, making it impossible to breathe. The next thing she saw was black light as she was sucked down a fast-moving tunnel. She eventually landed in fire. It scalded her body at excruciating speed.

A loud alarm awoke her. She sighed with relief. Thank Gosh, it was just a dream. It had seemed so real and painful. What did it mean? Megan and Lisa were making out in the water. She hoped the two of them had actually never kissed or done anything so wrong.

Hailey turned off her alarm. Dang, she had like twenty minutes to get ready for seminary; her alarm had been blasting for ten minutes. Kicking off her bedspread, she sat up groggily. She needed to figure out once and for all what God would want her to do about Lisa. The fifth commandment read something like, “Honor thy mother and father, that their days may be long upon the land.” But how was that possible when they both had different ideas?

Scanning the bedroom, Hailey noticed her scriptures, including the Book of Mormon, King James Version of the Bible and the Doctrine of Covenants, and posters and girl camp photos lining the left side of her wall.

She focused on a camp photo from last year. She and Lisa had their arms around each other and sported identical pigtails.  They both smiled. She had dirt smeared across her face, messy as always. But Lisa looked perfect as always, with not even a pimple or dirt spot on her clear complexion.

Blowing a strand of hair out of her face, Hailey decided to try another approach. She sat down at her desk, clicking on her laptop computer. She typed her password in, for the first time in a long time realizing her code included Lisa’s name. She was doomed without her. Lisa had better not go to the dark side.

She typed the word, lesbian, in the search engine, even though it gave her a slimy taste in her throat. Immediately, erotic lesbian novels and porn sites covered the screen.

“Fetch,” Hailey cussed. No way was this going to work. Recommending porn sites was not going to help Lisa get over her sexual desire for women. She closed the laptop without bothering to turn it off. It was useless. Nothing was going to help for now. She knelt down in front of her bed and folded her arms across her chest to say her morning prayer.

“Heavenly Father,” she whispered, “thank you for my family, for Trent and for my friends. I bless that you will watch over Lisa and lead her back to thee and help her with her problems. And that I will say the right things to her today. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.”

The prayer made her feel better, but not as much as she had wanted. No angel came down to tell her what to do. As she started to get up off the floor, she glanced at the church magazines she had collected randomly from older family members or the Church Distribution Center since she was an adolescent, from as early as the eighties. She noticed a particularly old Ensign, and even though it was for Mormon adults, she had saved that one because it had a blurb about same-gender sin on the cover. She flipped through it to page seventy-one and began reading.

“We want to help these people, to strengthen them, to assist them with their problems and to help them with their difficulties. But we cannot stand idle if they indulge in immoral activity, if they try to uphold and defend and live in a so-called same-sex marriage situation. To permit such would be to make light of the very serious and sacred foundation of God-sanctioned marriage and its very purpose, the rearing of families.” A quote written by former LDS Prophet Gordon B. Hinckley.

She glanced through other parts of the article, noticing the Prophet referring to those like Lisa as “so-called gays and lesbians.” So they really don’t exist. There wasn’t such a thing, even though it was so popular in today’s world. Prophets spoke directly from the words of God and those words were the same today, yesterday and forever according to the Church.

“Most people have inclinations of one kind or another at various times. If they do not act upon these inclinations, then they can go forward as do all other members of the Church,” Hinckley continued. “If they violate the law of chastity and the moral standards of the Church, then they are subject to the discipline of the Church, just as others are.”

Relief flooded through Hailey. This was the answer she’d been waiting for. Her mom was right. She had to take a stand and give Lisa an ultimatum, either agree to get help or not be her friend. Hailey couldn’t risk drowning in sin to save Lisa from committing an act of immorality and being subject to serious consequences, even disfellowship from the Church.

Moving in a daze as she got ready for school, she wished it were the end of the day already! She’d never be prepared to have this conversation with Lisa.

Hailey didn’t share any morning classes with Lisa, but when the lunch bell rang, she knew the time was near. It was only a matter of minutes before the inevitable confrontation. She could break the campus rules and head out of school, but she was bound to run into Lisa sometime soon, besides which only seniors were allowed to leave campus during lunchtime. Her only other option was to starve to death since she was too nervous to eat this morning. Better to just get it over with. She needed to do it. The Holy Ghost prompted her to do it, and she should not ignore the Holy Spirit’s urgent promptings, as her Sunday school teacher liked to say.

As Hailey turned the corner into the lunchroom, doom set in. Lisa stood by the soda machine, pounding it with her fist. Great, she was in a bad mood. Timing couldn’t be worse. Hailey started to turn around, but Lisa waved at her. It was now or never. Either save her soul or be her friend. It didn’t seem right that those were separate options.

“I’m sorry,” Hailey said, by way of greeting. The hard lines around Lisa’s mouth softened and her eyes changed to a lighter shade of green.

“It’s good to see you, Hails.” Lisa hugged her.

This wasn’t happening. Wanting to run as far away as possible, Hailey’s shoulders tensed. She slowly reached her hand around her friend’s back, but couldn’t bring herself to touch her.

She pulled out of the embrace a little too quickly.

The words flew through her, as she had rehearsed them, “I think it’s best if we are to remain friends that we consider viable options to dealing with your problem.”

“What problem?” Lisa shrugged. “I don’t see it as a problem, but apparently you do or you wouldn’t be shaking and using words like viable.”

Hailey continued with the script, ignoring her. “I love you as a best friend, even a sister, but I can’t stand by and watch you destroy yourself if there’s something I could have done.” Lisa opened her mouth to say something and Hailey concluded, “Why don’t you go to Evergreen?”

“What the hell? I’d never go to that delusional place by choice.” Flames of pain lit Lisa’s face as she hit the Coke machine with her fist. “Everyone who goes to one of these ex-lesbian meetings or conferences never comes out straight. They just learn how to hide deeper in the closet abstaining from sex while their husbands go nuts or daydream about playing with some guy’s nuts.”

The fury increased with every word and she got louder and louder. The cafeteria was noisy, but so was Lisa. A few kids at the other pop and candy machines stared at them. Hailey didn’t know why Lisa was going so ballistic.

Lisa sometimes slipped in a swear word here and there, but this was just pornography language. It was already too late to save her friend. She’d clearly gone off the cliff to the dark side. There was no way to convince Lisa the Church was right, especially without hurting her feelings more or losing her for good. She could throw a rope and be a candle in the darkness, but there wasn’t anything Hailey could do, if she wouldn’t take it. Was Lisa gone forever?

Chapter Ten

Busted

Lisa wanted to punch the self-righteous smirk off Hailey’s pale face. She slammed her knuckles into the drink machine instead. Like she hadn’t been to the Suckieland Institute and Everlaugh International like a billion times before. She’d attended yearly Evergreen conferences at the Joseph Smith Memorial Building in downtown Salt Lake since she was five. Her parents bought fancy rooms at the Hilton, and then walked over to the conference where select leaders of the Church would give speeches on how much they cared about the gay people of the Church but in the same breath uttered how wicked they were.

She and Trent used to make fun of the gay men for being so flamboyant and the gay women for being so rough, the hairy men with their large Adam’s apples and their leftover lipstick and makeup. She used to think they were just faking it. Like they were just trying to get attention and they could snap out of it at anytime.

Lisa wanted to keep screaming at Hailey, but stopped since students were looking at her like she’d completely lost her mind.

Right now the universe seemed too small for the both of them. “Do me a favor, don’t talk to me anymore. And don’t try to change me.”

At last! The Coca-Cola can choose that minute to drop from the machine. She grabbed it and then turned on her heels, not wanting to see the expression on her former friend’s face.

Hailey didn’t care about her. No one did. How could they when she was so gross and filthy.

Lisa ran to the bathroom as fast as she could. No way was anyone in school going to see her first screaming and now crying. She’d really drop down the popularity scale that way. Not that it seemed to matter anymore. Nothing seemed to matter at all if the one person she cared about the most didn’t want to be near her.

She’d been dying to tell Hailey about her dream date with Megan. But just because of the fact it was with a girl, she couldn’t. It didn’t seem fair. Why did the Church members talk about homosexuals shoving their sex lives in other people’s faces? All she wanted to do was talk about the perfect kiss, but she couldn’t do that, even with her best friend because she treated her like a virus that could destroy her. It wasn’t fair.

To enjoy kissing the godawful Trent, Hailey had to be as straight as they came. She’d never get what it was like to be different, to feel like there was something inside that was evil, but could never be destroyed. No matter how hard one tried.

Lisa crumpled her Coke can, letting the carbonated remains explode into the trash bin. She forced herself to look at her image in the mirror, and she stepped back in fear. Streaks of mascara had run down her face, making her look like a zombie. Her normally pretty eyes were bloodshot and the gorgeous curls she’d worked hard on this morning had turned flat from resting them on the filthy wall.

She frantically fixed her face, wiping off the mascara and rinsing her eyes till they stopped bleeding tears. She dug in her bag for her makeup kit. A shiny pink razor caught her eye. She picked it up, wanting to bring it to her wrist and end it all. It’d be so easy, and then she’d never have to feel again.

A group of modestly dressed freshmen chose that moment to come flying through the door. She quickly placed it back into her purse, hoping none of them had noticed. She couldn’t bring herself to look at any of them.

While inside the only three stalls the girls chattered loudly to each other about boys. Lucky them! Lisa tuned them out as she reapplied makeup. She wanted to stop feeling. The pain inside her was like electroshocks flashing in every cell.

By the time the first girl got out of the stall, Lisa was back to her usual self, on the outside anyway. Her makeup looked flawless and her eyes were back to their stunning appeal. If only, it was so easy on the inside.

One of the girls puffed up her bleached blond hair in the mirror and then dropped her mouth, as if finally realizing she had company; royal company even. She quickly closed her mouth, recovering her cocky expression. “Hi Lisa, you always look so pretty. We need to hang out sometime. Go to a church dance or a baseball game.”

Could you be more phony and sickly sweet? Even if you were this hot lesbian who’d take me to Paris, I wouldn’t go with you, Lisa wanted to say, but instead said, “Maybe.” Brushing past the annoying girl, she headed out the door before any of the other Molly Morons could bother her.

***

A few hours later, Lisa crumpled up her schoolbag, trying to make it fit inside her school locker. She tried to close it, but it wouldn’t work. Damn thing. Why did she have to go to school? And why did she have to go to school in this small hick town from hell? Oh yeah, because life sucked.

Lisa checked down the hall, making sure no one was around.  She lifted her leg up kung fu style and kicked it shut.

Megan suddenly appeared. “Wow. I knew there was a reason I was dating you.”

Lisa swallowed, trying to recover from her spaz attack. A fresh shampoo scent emanated from Megan. She looked like she’d just stepped off a photo shoot. No one would ever guess she lived in a trailer park and not a giant house in Beverly Hills. She gestured to her purse. “Is that Prada?”

“Top of the line.”

“Where?”

“Some bitch in New York City forgot it when she was strolling through Central Park, but when I tried to give it back to her she took off, must have been afraid of me. Hey, I heard about you and Blondie. What happened?”

Lisa had enjoyed not thinking about Hails for five seconds, but that was clearly over. Still, it was nice to be around someone who didn’t look at her like she’d committed a terrible sin just by breathing and being attracted to a girl. “I’m fine.”

“That’s not the question I asked. You’re clearly not fine.” Megan stared at her curiously, as if trying to read her mind.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” She wasn’t in the mood to hear an “I told you so.”

Megan raised her hands. “No one’s making you.”

The crowd in the hallway was thinning faster by the second. Lisa was supposed to go to swimming practice but was planning on ditching it. She didn’t see the point of swimming any longer. It had always been Hailey’s passion, not hers.

“I can always provide a different kind of comfort.”

Lisa jerked back to the gorgeous girl with the dark hair as she leaned in to her.

“What are you doing? Someone will see us.”

“Who? Ghosts?”

Megan was right. The hallway was completely deserted, but that didn’t mean at any time someone couldn’t just walk in. Oh well, why did it matter anymore?

Lisa pressed her lips on Megan’s puffy ones. She tasted heavenly, like creamy peaches. Wanting to savor every second of the kiss, she closed her eyes and breathed in. She hoped this kiss would last forever.

Megan drew away. “We have a visitor.”

Lisa looked down the hallway. A familiar haughty face stared back with her nose higher in the air than her flyaway layered bangs. The Gossip Queen of Smithville High.

“Does this Becky chick even know that the eighties were like say fifty years ago?” Megan asked, not even bothering to lower her voice.

The only person worse than Becky catching them kissing would be her own mother. “Please, please tell me she didn’t just see that!”

“Well, well, if it isn’t the lesbians caught in the act.”

Figured—the best moment of her life would be ruined by that Mormon vampire who loved to suck the life out of everything.

“I’ll handle it,” Megan said matter-of-factly, retrieving a switchblade from her back jeans pocket.

Scooting up behind Megan, Lisa grabbed her hand and whispered, “How, by slicing and dicing?”

“Hell no.” Megan replaced the switchblade in her pocket. “That’s just a habit you pick up living in the crime city and having my mom switch locks…” She stopped midsentence and nodded to Becky as Becky held out her cell phone and started text messaging like mad. “We’re already too late. Think she got the live version.”

How could Megan act like that at a time like this? Lisa’s whole life could be ruined by now. She could get kicked out of school, ex-communicated or even worse; her parents could find out and ground her forever. “This isn’t a joke.”

Megan slammed her fist into the locker. “Who’s laughing?”

Maybe she should go after Becky. Try to talk her into keeping her mouth shut or pay her off. Money talks big to girls like her. She dressed like money, but the trained eye could see most of it was knockoffs. Her father was only on a mayor’s salary. But if Megan was right all the money in the world wouldn’t stop the damage she might have already done. But, there was only one way to find out. “Just a second,” she said to Megan and then walked over to Becky.

“Wha’s up?”

Becky didn’t even look up from her cell phone before responding dryly, “Hey, you. Nothing much happening here.”

Lisa swallowed. “We used to do sleepover parties every weekend, or have you forgotten?”

Becky glared at her. “That’s before you turned into a slut.”

“Who’s the slut here?” Megan approached from behind and stepped in front of Lisa, squaring her body like she was ready for a fight.

Becky finally looked up from her cell phone, terror revealed in her beady eyes. “Just chatting with my girlfriend. Swear to God.” She formed a shaky cross on her chest.

Megan ripped the cell phone out of Becky’s hands and pushed a few buttons.

“Give me that, you freak,” Becky shrieked, trying to reach her cell phone.

Megan pushed the phone further away. Their own voices from a few minutes ago right before their kiss came from the phone. Megan checked the screen. “You’re a fucking-hick liar. You just sent that to YouTube.” She replayed it for Lisa.

Lisa almost pissed her pants as the sight of a live replay of the two of them kissing streamed from the Internet onto her phone. Her happiest moment was now documented for the entire world. She’d never be able to show her face in public again.

“I can sue you for harassment and theft. My dad’s a mayor in this town. You’d be arrested in a matter of minutes,” Becky said, going off at the mouth like she was the one who was wronged.

“For what? Kissing a girl on the lips?” Megan laughed. “I think I’d have a better case since you massively invaded our personal privacy.”

Lisa almost pointed out that since it was a public place, it probably wasn’t an invasion, but she kept her mouth shut. A point she learned in her journalism class.

Megan threw the phone on the floor and stepped on it with her boot, breaking it into pieces. “Make sure you put destruction of personal property when you call Daddy.”

Was this moment actually going to get worse? Megan was losing it. It occurred to Lisa how much she didn’t know the girl who just had a tongue down her throat minutes before.

Becky formed her dry lips into a pout and then she opened her mouth to say something but dropped it when Megan hissed at her, like a snake at its prey. Becky flipped around in a huff and walked off.

Her life was ruined. Her status was ruined.

Somehow it all just seemed fucking hilarious. She broke into laughter, not even bothering to hold back her snorting. The numbness broke and rather than crying, laughter flooded over her. Didn’t make sense, but it still felt good to laugh.

Megan scrunched her nose in confusion, which only made Lisa laugh harder. “I guess it is kind of funny. The look on her face made her look like the monster in Saw.” Megan lifted her nose up high with two fingers and used her other hand to pull her hair up like Becky’s bangs.

The two of them burst out giggling so hard they dropped to the floor where they rolled around clutching each other. Lisa hadn’t laughed this hard in months. Things were just so awful that they were funny! Maybe she was just losing it from all the stress.

Chapter Eleven

Time

Watching TV in her room, Hailey shoved a nacho into her mouth, dripping cheese sauce on her torn Buffy nightshirt and frumpy pajama pants. Looking down at the stains on her shirt, she shrugged; it was pointless to care about another spot or two. She savored the warm sauce and salty chips as long as she could before swallowing.

Images of Lisa had haunted her since lunch; the steam that rose from her venomous words was so strong and real. She couldn’t forget the image of Lisa standing there confronting her, practically with horns of anger shooting out from the top of her head. The worst part was the stark look of betrayal in her eyes. Lisa thought Hailey had betrayed her when she was only trying to save her soul. She threw in another nacho with as much cheese as the chip could take and attempted to drown her sorrow. When that didn’t work, she broke a nearby pencil into five pieces and let it drop into the trash. Breaking things often made her feel better if ingesting yummy food failed. It didn’t help either.

Hailey licked her lips before turning the volume down on the crumb-infested remote control just as Angelus, the vampire, turned into Angel, a vampire with a soul. They shared one final kiss but it was too late, the hell-mouth was open and Buffy was forced to send Angel into the fiery gates of hell to close it.

Picking up the large buttery popcorn, Hailey dug in her fingers. Her stomach was full, but she didn’t care. Watching other people’s misery, even if it was only fantasy, made her feel a little better. It made her problems seem not so dire.

Buffy had to choose between killing the one she loved for the people she loved. She’d had previous opportunities to kill Angelus but her personal feelings for him had gotten in the way of doing what was right for herself and the people around her.

Her cell phone started ringing. Hailey dropped the remote. She followed the noise, searching under piles of New Era magazines and dirty clothes. She finally found her phone buried in the pocket of her favorite pair of holey blue jeans.

“Speak,” Hailey said, glancing at her fluorescent alarm clock glowing a few minutes after eleven. Who would be calling this late? She tossed strands of hair out of her face. Her sister’s name came up on the caller ID. Not sure she had the patience to talk to her tonight, she ignored it. She was probably just calling from down the hallway for something she could do with her own two legs.

The phone finally stopped ringing. She pushed play again on the remote. Buffy’s friends and family wondered where Buffy had disappeared to. The pain was too great for Buffy to bear. The phone rang again and this time Hailey needed the distraction as Buffy’s redheaded best friend, Willow, came on screen. “What?” she asked.

“Thank God. It’s about time!” Kelsey screamed like she was chanting a cheer all across the stadium to a half-deaf guy.

Hailey put the phone in her lap and clicked the speaker button. She leaned back on her feathery pillow.

“Are the parental figures still up?” Kelsey slurred her words.

Gosh, it was a Tuesday night and her sister was drunk. As if her own life wasn’t bad enough with losing the one person she wanted around, now she had to deal with the one person she could never get rid of. “Where are you?”

“In my room. I need to go downstairs and get some food.”

“Maybe you should stop drinking. Maybe Heavenly Father is trying to tell you something, that it is wrong to drink when you’re not even eighteen and—”

“That I didn’t eat enough KFC tonight,” Kelsey interrupted.

Even when Kelsey was drunk, she had to fight in her snappy way. Hailey didn’t want to support her habit in any way. “Get it yourself.”

“Wow. I’m impressed.” She burped.

“What?” Hailey released her finger from the hang up button.

“Just surprised after everything that happened. You almost sound normal.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You don’t know? I’m coming. Wait there.”

Where else was Hailey going to go at this hour? To the mall and break in? That might be something her sister would do, but not her. “Why?” she started to ask, but all that answered back was dead silence.

She chucked away her nachos carton and lifted her popcorn back onto her lap. She dug in and pushed play on her remote, hoping her sister was too drunk to make it to her room. How she could get away with stashing wine coolers in her room was beyond Hailey. She’d wanted to tell her folks a few times what Kelsey was doing, but why bother? They would just ground her like always and Kelsey would just sneak out and no one would be any the wiser.

Kelsey flew in with her laptop computer. Her light brown hair stood on end and mascara dripped over her cheeks. She reeked of alcohol and rotten cherries. The computer screen distracted her as if she were a child missing a few doses of Ritalin. “This again?” she said, jerking her head at the TV.

“Best show ever invented,” Hailey said, staring at the mess that was once her happy sister. She used to be so alive and together, what the heck happened? High school happened. Kelsey had become obsessed with boys and appearance and in the process somehow forgot to take decent care of herself. As if she’d just lost herself in the midst of dating and growing up. Hard now to believe the two of them actually used to be close friends before her sister started high school.

“Ahh,” she smirked. “The first vampire show to mainstream lesbian romance before True Blood sped it up a few hundred years.”

“What?” Hailey was so not in the mood to be discussing the L word or anything of that nature. Was she just bringing it up to torture her or what? “E-eew. Gross. Go away.” She moved the tub of popcorn onto her dresser and off the television and slid under the covers.

Kelsey stepped over to the cardboard cutout of Alyson Hannigan, who played Willow in the TV series, and gave her a funny look.

“So?” The life-sized caricature was a gift from her father from Disneyland. There had been about thirty to choose from but this one was her favorite and had rested in her room ever since. Hailey didn’t see how there was anything dirty about it. “Everyone thinks Willow’s adorable, so what?”

Kelsey folded her arms across her bare tummy and gave her a duh look. “Any girls you know of?”

Hailey opened her mouth to say Lisa but thought better of it. She didn’t think Kelsey knew about Lisa’s choice of sexuality and she had sworn not to tell a soul. Even so her sister would probably find out eventually since Lisa had been hanging out with Megan every second. “I guess not.”

“That’s what I thought.”

“If I remember right, doesn’t Willow make sweet love to Tara?”

“Tara’s murdered,” Hailey blurted. Sure, that was wrong of Willow to date a woman, but at least she learned from her experience.

“You’re saying homosexuals deserve to die.”

Hailey blew out a breath in frustration. “No, of course not.”  Kelsey twisted all her words. “Not what I’m saying at all. Just that there are consequences.” She only meant the series didn’t endorse homosexuality as a productive and healthy lifestyle.

“If that was the case, why didn’t Willow stop chasing the Tuna after that?”

“The what?”

“The Tuna. The G-G, the kitty-kat?” When Hailey shrugged, she added, “And you’re supposed to be the smart and sober one.” Kelsey sighed. “She still dated girls.”

“My stand is whatever the Church and God’s stance is and they’re against it. Homosexuality is against the plan Heavenly Father has for all of his children. A woman is supposed to procreate and keep the home and a man is supposed to— ”

“Work himself to an early grave. I get it.” Kelsey rolled her eyes. “Get your own brain sometimes. Come on, admit it, you think she’s tasty, don’t you?”

“You sound like Lisa.”

Kelsey kissed the cardboard of Willow on the mouth. “I could sound like worser people.”

“You sound uneducated,” Hailey said, moving Willow into the closet temporarily.

“I sound like a teenager. You should try it sometime. It’s fun.”

“Drinking nonstop. No thanks.”

“I don’t drink that much.”

Hailey gave her a duh look and then nodded to the computer she held. “Wasn’t there something else you were dying to torture me with?”

“Oh yeah,” she said, as if finally realizing what she came in for and that she actually held a computer. “Watch this.” She sat down on the bed, not even bothering to put the bedspread down, and crossed her legs.

“No. I want you to leave. I’m not in a good mood. So if—”

A familiar voice coming from the computer caught her attention. She zoomed in on what appeared to be a YouTube video where two girls were making out with each other. She tried to look away, but the mystery of it held her. As the couple separated from their lengthy embrace, a face looked directly at the camera, her tongue waving back and forth. The tongue belonged to Megan Blood. To make matters worse, Lisa was the girl who separated her lips from Megan’s and turned halfway toward the camera.

“You knew about this?” When Hailey ignored her, she continued, “You did, didn’t you? That’s why your PMS is all in a twist.”

“It doesn’t concern you.”

“Maybe it does. Who else is going to smack some sense into your clueless head?” Kelsey ruffled her hair like she was a dog.

Hailey tried to bite her hand when she moved it away, but missed. “I don’t need a lecture from Miss Alcoholic.” What was she talking about? Was this just the nonsense of a drunk or was she trying to say something? Either way, curiosity brought Hailey to ask something she knew she’d regret. “Enlighten me,” she said, shifting her back against the bedspread and looking into her sister’s bloodshot but smug eyes.

“That’s the ultimatum Dad was talking about, wasn’t it? He was going on and on about it last night.”

Dad never went on about anything. The two of them had their long exclusive talks, but Kelsey seemed to do all the talking. “So?” Hailey asked, being as obvious as possible about checking the clock on her wall and scraping her fingernails on the dresser.

“Oww,” Kelsey said, throwing her forefingers into her ears and then slapping Hailey’s nails away from the dresser. “Just hear me out and then I will go away—”

“Forever.” Hailey smiled at the idea.

Kelsey sighed. “Listen.”

“Fine.” She nodded at her clock. “You have two minutes.”

“I may not be the Holy Ghost or Messiah or whoever it is you think is floating around in some other universe, but in this one if I recall correctly Lisa was only ever a good friend to you, and she is going through the scariest thing in her life and all you can do is tell her to change and you drop her as a friend like she’s a stranger to you.”

The words smacked her face harder than a blow from a crowbar. Of all people to make her feel like the devil’s daughter! Hailey opened her mouth to defend her actions, but she came up short. What could she say? The religious reasons never worked. Kelsey only believed what was right in front of her.

Hailey turned off her lamp. “I’m going to sleep.” She stretched out on her queen bed and pulled the covers up over her body and then over her head. She needed to have a good night’s sleep to figure out what she was going to do tomorrow. She had no more energy to deal anymore.

“Oops.” From the sound, Kelsey had dropped her laptop to the carpet. She then crawled into bed beside her.

Hailey sighed as Kelsey stole some of her covers, but part of her was glad her sister was there, sleeping with her like they used to do when they were young and her parents couldn’t afford two separate kid beds. Even the wretched smell of alcohol didn’t chase her mind out of the past. At least there Hailey was safe. Safe in a time where good and evil was a simple concept. Bad people were in jail for committing crimes without any remorse or qualms of conscience; and the good people were in Church, repenting their minor transgressions, like forgetting to say a prayer or lying to their parents by telling them the party wasn’t going to be chaperoned.

Kelsey jumped in her sleep, bumping up against her, reminding Hailey she was in for a long night. If only her one problem lay in changing her sister from the demon that made her such a pain in the butt.

Chapter Twelve

Blood Truth

Lisa needed a caffeine burst. She opened the fridge but, no surprise, her parents didn’t have anything stronger than a Diet Coke. It would have to do. At least her parents didn’t strictly follow the recommended no caffeine standard of the Church.  Thank God. She was dying with anxiety over Becky finding out about her and Megan, meaning everyone else would know soon too, courtesy of YouTube and Becky’s big mouth. Also, as a by-product of the ADHD generation, caffeine calmed her down and relaxed her nerves.

She headed upstairs, trying to juggle three Diet Cokes and a Ding Dong. She ended up dropping one on the floor as she went to place them on her dresser. Lisa turned on the Wii and placed in it a rock CD. She grabbed a lighter and lit her vanilla incense. The smell smoothed her tense nerves.

Singing at the highest range possible alongside Adam Lambert, Lisa belted out the song, releasing all the rage she had built up from today’s events. She pictured Becky in front of her melting like the witch she was.

Picking up the electric guitar, she strummed the cords as loud as she could, blasting the room with its power. Any minute now, Trent was going to come knocking on her door, saying the noise was affecting his fairy meditation stretches. But Lisa didn’t care. She needed the loudness to clear her mind and release her anger. She stopped caring about whether she was in tune or not. After all, there were no agents hiding in her closet. Lisa screamed the lyrics with each rock star, knowing she was out of control, but she didn’t care anymore. The whole school knew and it was only a matter of hours before her Mom freaked out and tried to call the police on her for kissing a girl. Well, maybe she wouldn’t do that, but she’d do something drastic.

Lisa could see it now. An undercover SWAT team, run by leaders of the Church, breaking through her window and landing on top of her, shocking her with their Taser guns and then shipping her off to some underground shelter where the rest of the messed-up kids went, the ones that fit their black image. Since all they could see was black and white; color didn’t exist in their world.

Speaking of colorful, wearing his white short shorts and a yellow tank top, Trent ran through the door without bothering to knock. “Why do you have to be so bloody dramatic?”

If Queen Trent was telling her she was being dramatic, she was in big trouble. He moved over to the control panel and switched the green button to red. Sparks flickered as everything abruptly stopped; including the electric guitar she was holding, the strings shocking her fingers. She dropped the guitar and screamed, “Get the hell out of here while I still have my fingers intact!”

Trent stayed put. He placed his hands on his hips. “You know the whole school thinks you’re a-a-a…”

Already! That was the problem with the modern age. Technology could destroy a social life in a matter of seconds. “A lesbian. Saying the word doesn’t make you one.”

“Duh. I’m not a girl.” Trent sat down on her bed and folded his legs under him.

Lisa pushed him off and he landed on the floor. She sat on the exact spot he’d been sitting on. “Who knows? I heard there are some people who have operations to, you know to like become a girl, and you’d be a likely candidate. And you already like boys. So you’re halfway there.”

He screamed, “I! Do! Not! Like! Boys!”

“You’re going to end up hauled off in prison chains because you’ll finally break down, admitting your sexuality.”

“This isn’t about me.” He threw his hands out in frustration. “This is about how Mom and Dad are going to skin you alive when they get home, and I will just get to stand by and watch and laugh and record. It’ll be the most famous webisode in history titled, Embarrassing Lisa.”

“Oh, so not clever,” Lisa sighed. “I’m not a drug addict. I had one measly kiss with a girl. You know in places like Europe or Canada for example, it’s not such a life-or-death matter. Even the US is joining in.”

“It doesn’t matter. We are in Utah, the land of the righteous, and here they will never allow dogs to marry humans, so why would they allow same-sex couples to get married?”

“No, we’re in my room and gay boys aren’t allowed in here. So get the fuck out.”

Trent finally obeyed, but before he shut the door, he poked his head back in. “Actually, it’s Mom and Dad’s room. Just watch them kick you out on your buttocks.”

“Enough with the British slang, already. We’re in America.” Lisa pushed him out the door. “Get ‘bloody’ out before I kick your buttocks.”

“Hey, twat, the garage just opened.”

She answered by kicking the door, causing him to yelp in pain. “Oh what? Did I break your nail?”

Trent let out a scream as he braced his red finger. “You’re dead. I’ll see to it.”

“Somehow I think I could take you,” Lisa said, closing the door on his face.

She went over to the window to see if he was telling the truth. And sure enough the garage was closing. It was only a matter of minutes before Mom came in, ranting and raving. Her mom’s best friend was Becky’s mom and certainly she had told her by now.

Her mom, accompanied by her dad and Trent, stormed into her room less than a minute later. “What’s the meaning of this?”

“Of what?” Lisa asked, trying to play dumb.

Her mother rolled her eyes. “Cindy told me there’s some Internet thing of you online where you are kissing a girl. Could this possibly be true?” She said it like Lisa had committed a serious felony.

“Maybe.”

“Was it some joke or were you doing it for attention?” Mom sat down on the bed and started folding the shirt that lay on top of it.

Lisa tried to follow her mom’s eyes, but she looked everywhere else in the room but at her.

“Would it be so bad, if I liked girls?”

“Yes,” she said, too quickly. “Everyone enjoys the company of close girlfriends and friendships. It doesn’t mean anything. But most people don’t make out with other girls.”

Lisa wiped the remains of her Ding Dong off her face. She didn’t want to give her mom one more thing to go ballistic over. “I’m a lesbian.”

“How dare you speak with such irreverence and disrespect? Heavenly Father would be furious with you.”

Lisa never understood the concept of an angry and jealous God. Wasn’t he supposed to be better than humans and more accepting and forgiving? After all he was perfect. “How do you know that? You don’t even know what car he drives.”

“He doesn’t need a car. He floats,” Mom said seriously.

Trent stifled a laugh and so did Lisa, but it was easy for her. She was too upset to laugh.

“No, he drives a sled,” Trent chimed in. This time Lisa smirked. The act calmed her some, allowing her to loosen the nails she was digging into the palms of her hands.

Mom sighed, “Never mind that. This is serious. Trent, go to your room.”

Trent frowned, but left. Her dad took his place, coming through the door.

“We have to do something,” her mom pleaded with her dad. “You have to be the patriarch and handle this. I need to go lay down. I’m getting a migraine from all this stress.” She turned to Lisa. “If you don’t kill me at a young age, I’ll be surprised,” her mom finished.

Everything always had to be about her. “It’s too late for that, you’re old,” Lisa whispered, but unfortunately her mom had exceptional hearing.

“No it’s not. You can send me to an early grave and the way you’re going I’m sure you will. Do you have any remorse for what you did to me today?” she demanded. “Do you even know her name?”

“Megan Blood.”

“Sounds like a call girl’s name to me. Who the heck names their daughter after blood?”

“It’s a last name, Mother.”

Dad raised a hand as a stop sign. “Don’t you talk to the one who birthed you that way.”

Could her parents be any more mentally challenged? “Birthed? Does that mean I say you spermed me?” From the look on her father’s stern face and the shock across her mother’s, Lisa regretted saying anything. Bad idea!

“That’s it. You are grounded, miss, until we can both figure out what to do with you,” Dad said firmly.

She wanted more than anything to get out of that room. She’d never hated her parents as much as she did right that minute. They were treating her as if she’d done something horrible when all she did was kiss someone, so what if it was a girl and not a boy. 

As her parents walked down the stairs from her room, she heard them whispering.

“Can’t you fix this?” her mom said in a loud whisper.

“It’s not that easy. Never thought I’d be dealing with this right here in my own home.”

Lisa didn’t want to hear any more. She went to her bathroom, locking the door. Then she did something she had never done before. She brought the blade up to her upper arm, not caring if anyone at swimming saw the scar. Not like she had been going to practice anyway, she always swam before to be closer to Hailey and the other swim team members, to feel a part of something.  Now she was an alien from another world and swimming wouldn’t help that.

The blood rolled down her upper arm, the pain soothing her. Even though it didn’t change her sexual desire for women or thirst for something romantic with Megan, it gave her control in her life when everything was out of control. It put her in charge of her own pain and not her parents’ pain or anyone else’s. She just wished she had the guts to leave this world behind forever, but the pain overcame her. And the need to be around Megan again made her long for another day.

Chapter Thirteen

Rumors & Lies

A kick from Kelsey jolted Hailey awake; she rubbed her right leg and shook everywhere from having no covers. The bedspread was all wrapped around Kelsey as if she was getting ready to star in some Mummy movie and her mouth was wide open. Stale alcohol breath rose over Hailey, making her want to upchuck. Throwing up wouldn’t be a bad thing since her stomach hurt like heck from overeating almost everything she could get her hands on.

Groaning and clutching her stomach, Hailey sat up on the bed. “Wake up!” she screamed in Kelsey’s ear, causing her to roll out of bed and onto the floor in a heap with the bedspread still attached to her body like glue.

“God, did I die?” Kelsey rolled the covers off her body and started rubbing her forehead.

“If only.” Hailey got up off the bed. “Stop taking the Lord’s name in vain.”

“Dammit. I was kissing a gorgeous guy in Paris. He had his juicy shirt off and was painting a naked sculpture of me.”

“Well sleep in your own room next time and you can kiss all the French dudes you want.” The demented dream of her sister’s hit her like lightning, reminding her that last night wasn’t a dream. Hailey lifted Kelsey’s computer from off the floor and shoved it to her. “Get out.”

“Touchy. I thought I was the one who hated mornings.”

“Out!” Hailey yelled.

“You’re losing it,” Kelsey muttered on her way out the door.

Hailey sighed. Maybe she was losing her sanity. It was hard to tell anymore. She needed the soothing nature of water so she went straight for her shower, shucked off her comfortable pants and nightshirt and turned the heat on as high as it would go.

Nothing seemed real. She could barely feel the hot water on her skin. She poured white-cream blueberry body scrub on her body, but it didn’t have its usual comforting scent. In fact, she could barely smell it at all. It was as if she were outside her body, watching someone take a shower, watching someone else take over.

It was so hard to believe her best friend was kissing some other girl that Hailey chalked it up to a dream. It had to be fake; some horrible nightmare.

She wrapped a Vampire Diaries towel around her body. She had picked the beach towel that included the main actress instead of going with the two male leads of the fantasy television series. What was wrong with her? Why hadn’t she chosen to go with Damon—his eyes were to die for—and Stefan with his handsome broad shoulders. Oh, yeah, Hailey liked the leading actress because her looks and personality reminded her of Lisa.

She headed down the stairs in blue jeans that were too big on her. None of the jeans fit her. She must be losing weight from all the stress. It didn’t seem to matter how much she ate, the swimming and high metabolism burned it off. She wished she had curves, like Lisa and her sister. She hated her body; it was short and straight like a stick.

Mom picked at a half-eaten egg on her plate, but looked up when she walked in. “You lucky duck. You are losing so much weight. Let me get one of my belts. I don’t need it anymore,” she said bitterly, getting up from the table and throwing the egg in the trash. “Or you could borrow one of your sister’s if they’re not too big.”

Hailey got a plate from the cupboard; the yummy smell of sausage, eggs and hash browns beckoned to her. She piled on two over-easy eggs and a cluster of hash browns.

“Oh, thanks Mom.” Kelsey walked in, her hair soaked with gel and wearing tight clothes that revealed her stomach.

“Or you could just exchange clothes.” Mom reached for her older daughter’s shirt and pulled it down over her waist.

“And they wonder why girls have low self-esteem.” Kelsey pulled a plate out of the cupboard and lifted up the greasy paper towel, snatching the last sausage Dad had cooked before he left for work.

“There’s no more?” Hailey’s stomach gurgled from hunger even though it still hurt.

“Give it to your sister,” Mom said dryly.

“Oh, what, because I’m fat? I’m out of here.” Kelsey ripped her keys off the chain and began to stalk out of the kitchen.

“Your tire’s blown, in case you forgot.”

Kelsey released a long breath of air and glared at Mom.

“Hey, it’s not my fault. You’re supposed to tell Dad when your tire is low like that. It’s your car and you need to take care of it, like your sister takes care of hers.”

“Oh, once again I’m the one who is inadequate while my sissy here is Little Missy Perfect,” Kelsey sneered, but Hailey could tell she was hurt because her voice cracked at the end.

“I don’t mind taking her.” Baseball practice had started this morning and Hailey was looking forward to being alone on the drive to school, but she could wait.

“Don’t worry. I can walk.” Kelsey threw her keys on the floor and left the kitchen. Moments later, the front door slammed.

Picking up her half-eaten plate of food, Hailey moved to the sink.

“Oh, let her,” Mom said. “She needs to burn off the calories.”

“That’s kind of mean.”

“I’m mean? She’s the one who never thinks or pays attention to anything she does before she does it or thinks about anything she says before she says it.”

Take your own advice, Mom, Hailey wanted to say, but decided not to throw coal on the fire. Mom held grudges for a long time and it wouldn’t do any good anyway. She loved Mom but she never listened to anyone and always did things her way. That’s where Kelsey got it from.

Retrieving her set of keys from the wall hanger, Hailey glanced back at her mom. Her long nose was lifted high with indignation and her face showed no remorse. She wore a Sunday dress even though it was a weekday and she was probably just going to go deliver Avon and shop the rest of the day.

Hailey realized she left her book bag in her room. She went back upstairs, and retrieving her Spanish book from on top of her desk and her scriptures, she tossed them into her bag. Even though she didn’t have seminary today, she might have time during lunch to read. She checked the time on her cell phone and still had twenty minutes before she had to leave, but there was nothing to do and Kelsey needed her help. After kneeling down to say a quick prayer for her family and for Lisa, she left the house.

Running to her car, Hailey threw the bag on top of her hair as rain splattered down from the misty clouds. Inside her BMW, she turned the heater on full blast, wishing she had brought a jacket. She didn’t want to brave the rain again to go get it.

It wasn’t hard to spot Kelsey. She was only two blocks from the house. Her soaked hair looked flat and her loose black clothes were drenched as well.

Pulling over and rolling down the window, Hailey called out to her. “You coming in?”

“No.” She increased her pace, and tripped on the sidewalk, landing face first.

Stopping the car, Hailey got out and offered her a hand.

“I can take care of myself.” Kelsey attempted to get up but fell down again, her long boots splattered with mud.

“Clearly.” Hailey grabbed her sister’s arm and pulled her up. “Get in before your stubbornness leads you to lose your leg.”

“Forget my legs. These boots were nine hundred dollars.”

“You should care about your legs, for goodness sake. You need to care about yourself, period.” Hailey had had it with the people around her not taking proper care of their bodies and spirits. Money didn’t matter. Legs did.

Kelsey finally got in the BMW, but didn’t close the door. “Relax, only trying to lighten the moment.”

Hailey half-smiled before closing the door for her. She was drenched and only had on cheap Payless tennies that were thin and starting to crack. The warm air hit her when she got back in, but she could only enjoy it for a moment because she felt Kelsey’s eyes on her.

“Thank you.”

“Sure?” Hailey said like it was a question mark, not believing her sister was actually thanking her for something she had done. She stopped at a red light and turned to her. “Mom loves you, you know. She’s just too much like you and wants the best for you.”

Kelsey folded her arms and stared out the tinted window. “I’m nothing like her. And the Hallmark greeting card doesn’t apply here. Mom would kick me out on the street and not think twice about it. Anything to teach me a lesson and get me to be who she wants me to be.” She turned the satellite radio on full blast.

Not knowing what to say, Hailey let the music fill the car. Mom would never do anything so horrible, but she could be mean. She wanted to make Kelsey feel better, but she couldn’t find any words. Kelsey sang at top volume to a pop song, returning some of the color to her face. At school she skipped out of the car before it came to a complete stop.

Sighing, she got her bag from the backseat and started walking toward the school.

“Did you hear about Lisa?” Katrina asked, getting out of her white Chevrolet Cavalier, her focus fully on Hailey.

She slowly nodded. Katrina rarely talked directly to Hailey. Dang, wanted that to be a dream. With all the Kelsey drama, Hailey had almost forgotten about her best friend making out with a girl. And not just any girl. A lesbian, or more accurately, someone infected with same-sex attraction that had infected Lisa with the same disease. Could life get harder?

“I can’t believe it.” Katrina shook her perfectly straight long brown hair. Everything about this girl screamed trying too hard; her nails were groomed and painted red, she had shiny earrings and a fancy lock necklace. She didn’t have money or nice things, but she knew how to pull off what she did have. “Lisa, of all people.”

“I’ve got to go, Katrina. Sorry.” Hailey wasn’t in the mood for Trent’s follower right now or to hear what anyone else thought about Lisa. The stares she got as she entered school and walked down the hallway told her everyone knew.

Lisa caught her from afar; she was at their locker with Megan next to her. I can’t believe she’s got the nerve to hang out with her in plain sight of the whole school after what’s happened. Is she trying to sign and seal her social death certificate?

Biology with Katrina of all people was her first class of the day and of course her book was in the locker she shared with Lisa. The bell was about to ring any minute. And she couldn’t go without her book since there was an in-class assignment scheduled every Wednesday. Trent stood by his locker. Even though he was a year older, he was in the same biology class, in a different time slot. Hailey approached him.

“Hey,” he said, barely glancing her way; he was studying his pale reflection in the locker mirror. “How goes it?”

“How do you think?” Hailey looked back at Lisa just in time to see Scott come up and shove Lisa into their locker. A few of the kids cheered in response. No way was Hailey going to let anyone treat her lifelong best friend that way. Not even if Lisa robbed a house or set a school on fire. This was just plain wrong and what the heck were people laughing about?

“You’re going to do something about this, right?” Hailey asked Trent as he checked out his new haircut in the mirror.

He shrugged like nothing had happened. “Like you care, you told her to get out of your life, remember? Anyway, maybe she deserves it, messing up everyone’s life.”

“Maybe you deserve it.” She ripped his mirror off his locker door and threw it on top of a neat pile of gym shorts and tops in his locker.

Deciding Chase might be a man and help out, Hailey tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around, a neutral expression on his face. Always smooth and cool Chase.

“Will you stop this?” Hailey pointed to where Scott was still harassing Lisa and Megan, even though they appeared to be holding their own. A crowd of Scott’s buddies were fast approaching and would be involved any minute.

“Already on it.” Chase pulled out a cigarette from his locker and lit it up. Smoking right there in front of everyone.

“Not exactly what I had in mind,” Hailey whispered. But Assistant Principal Wallace blew out of the open door of the faculty office, following the smell of smoke in front of him.

Fetch! Hailey was about to get in trouble just for standing next to him. She took a few steps back, but the damage had been done.

“Hailey, go to class,” Wallace told her, at the same time zeroing in on Chase. The bald assistant principal was probably the worst possible person to catch Chase smoking.

At just the sight of Wallace, Scott’s crowd hightailed it away from Megan and Lisa and headed to class. Lisa attempted to duck out the side door, obviously not in the mood to make it to class this morning. Megan tried to shield her while keeping a watch on Wallace.

But it was too late. “Lisa White!” Wallace snapped his fingers at her. “Lisa, detention for a week unless you get your behind to class right this instant.”

Hailey was on her way to class and had her back turned so she couldn’t tell what Lisa’s reaction was, but the firm voice of Wallace echoed behind her as she ducked into biology. “Chase, my office. NOW!”

Katrina signaled for her to sit down in the front row, but Hailey pretended not to see her and sat in the back. She wanted to have an uneventful rest of the day with no talk of Lisa or she was going to lose it. She checked the wall clock as she got out her notebook, minus a biology book. It was going to be a long six-hour day.

Chapter Fourteen

Twisted Mores

Chase set down his Harley leather jacket on the seat in front of Lisa. The smell of woodsy cologne sent waves through the air. For someone who pretended not to care about what people thought about him, he seemed to take great pride in his appearance and scent. His shiny black hair cascaded to his shoulders, letting off a dreamy scent of apricot shampoo.

If she were straight, she’d probably take this guy for a spin, Lisa thought. He had half a brain in his head, unlike the majority of the other high school boys in this hick town. He even looked like a man instead of a boy with his broad shoulders and upper-body muscle. Rumor was, his real dad used to beat him.

Luckily the vice principal wasn’t doing detention today. In his place was bookie Hutchinson, with his heavy glasses, who rarely looked up from his thick books, and his writing/reading assignments were always on the board of his English classes. As usual, he sat behind the desk, reading as if the two of them weren’t even there.

It was as if Hutchinson stopped caring that reality even existed, not that Lisa could blame him. All day she’d been harassed by one student after another. She had always wanted to know what it was like to not have to pretend to like everybody, to put on a fake smile. Well, today had been freeing in that sense. She’d even told a few people off today. They could bully her all they wanted; at least she didn’t have to put on a show anymore.

Bored out of her mind, Lisa tapped Chase on the shoulder. When he turned around, wearing his usual bland expression, she said, “Thanks for earlier.”

“Don’t thank me. Thank that blond friend of yours.”

Studying his Mr. Pac Man shirt, Lisa asked, “Who?”

“That quiet girl, Hannah or something.” He raised his thick eyebrows quizzically.

They’ve only been going to the same school since junior high. “Hailey.” Lisa squeezed the jade crystal she was holding, a loan from Megan. She said it had part of her essence in the stone, and that way they would never be alone. She was so sweet when she wanted to be.

Chase placed his hand on the back of his chair, shaking his double-cross bracelet. “That’d be it.”

“She asked you to light up a cigarette in a public school.”

“Not in so many words, but she asked me to create a diversion. And, well, I took my own liberties.” He smiled without showing any teeth.

“Well thanks.”

“That Scott dude is a douche-ass. Someone needs to kick him where it fucking hurts,” Chase said.

Lisa checked the front of the room, but Hutchinson hadn’t even flinched. He turned a page in his thick book and sagged further into his chair.

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Fire.”

“Why do you care? I mean, first seminary, which for the life of me I can’t figure out why you even bother to go there at all, and now this. I mean you could have gotten expelled for the stunt you pulled this morning.” Lisa dropped the crystal on the top of the desk.

“Which by the way you didn’t have to do, I mean I’m not a damsel in distress I can care of myself, since I’ve done it for sixteen years.”

“If you’re not honest, who are you?”

“Huh? Do you always talk in code?”

“I used to hate you.”

No wonder why everyone in high school avoided him like the plague. “Wow. Thanks.”

Chase flicked a strand of her hair. “You didn’t let me finish. I hated you because you were phony, just like everyone else, next in line to be the captain of the drill team.”

Kelsey was captain of the drill team. Lisa opened her mouth to defend her, but Chase waved his hand to cut her off. “Nothing against your friend’s sister, it’s just she’s not too happy, kind of like you once were.”

“And I’m different now?”

“For the first time since I’ve known you; I see some light in your eyes.”

Today was the first time in a long time she hadn’t had to pretend to be someone else. It was refreshing in a weird way, to feel alive again.

Hutchinson suddenly set his book down and stood up. “You two can go home.”

One glance at the clock told Lisa he was about an hour early, but she wasn’t going to argue and neither was Chase, who was already on his feet, ready to bolt out the door. But something stopped him. “Don’t let the homophobes get you down. They’re just cowardly bullies.”

Lisa nodded, and she followed him out of the classroom and down the hallway. Luckily, the hallways were empty and utterly silent. The fresh sunshiny air seemed unfitting on this day of all days.

“Hey, you want a ride?” Chase asked, jumping on his motorcycle and pulling on his helmet. “Come on, jump on.”

The baseball team was playing, getting ready to start the season, and watching them. Not that it mattered. It wasn’t like she needed to worry about her appearance anymore. Lisa straddled the bike, placing her arms around his waist just as he took off, leaving dust in his wake.

Flying through town way above the strict speed limit sent electroshocks of excitement through Lisa as she held on tight to Chase. Part of her wanted to let go and just go flying off the bike and end it all here. She’d never have to face another school day. But the idea that she’d never get the chance to be the one driving the bike, with all the control and power under her own hands, kept her from letting go. If she killed herself, she’d never get to experience again this rush of excitement. Maybe life wasn’t as bad as it sometimes seemed.

He stopped in the driveway at a small wood frame house, barely bothering to slow down before he braked.

“What a rush,” Lisa said, as she dismounted from his Harley.

“Doesn’t suck.” Chase jingled his keys as he pulled himself off his bike and headed up tiny steps to his front door. Lisa followed behind cautiously. After what Chase had said in seminary, she was nervous to meet any of his family members. She’d heard one of them was locked away for killing his mom. What could be worse? And his aunt, although she was a lesbian, shared similar genes with either the mom or the murderous father.

Before Chase could even twist the key into his lock, the door swung open revealing a woman who appeared to be his college-aged sister. She had a wide, easy grin and was about five feet tall. Her medium-length chestnut hair fell in waves over her shoulders. She wore an oversize navy blue sweater over cotton pants and pink slippers.

“Estoy muerto?”

“No, Auntie, you’re not dead.”

What? She looked good for her age and seemed way too easygoing to be a stuffy adult.

“Excuse me. My sobrino doesn’t invite friends over too much. Always been a loner, that one. Try to get him to socialize more but just can’t get him to do it. Never been someone who likes people.” The woman babbled on, reaching out her petite hand to shake Lisa’s. “Hola, I’m Olivia.”

“Lisa,” she said, feeling immediately at ease with this bubbly person. After the long, rotten day she had, it was nice to be around someone who didn’t look at her like she was a murderer or a freak.

Chase hung up his leather jacket in the hallway closet and placed his motorcycle helmet on the top shelf, keeping his sunglasses on.

Olivia sighed. “Take those off. You’re not a vampire or a drug addict.”

Lisa half-smiled, but even that took energy. It was nice to be in a simple house that didn’t look like a mansion. It made the atmosphere in the house seem real and homey.

“Come in, have some homemade cornbread and chili, you look like you desperately need it,” she said to Lisa, reading her face.

“I could use it,” Lisa admitted.

She followed Chase and Olivia into the kitchen, noticing the extreme difference in height. Olivia was almost half the size of Chase in both height and width. “Smells delicious.”

“Chase, help her to a seat.”

He pulled up a chair with a cracked plastic seat for Lisa. The table wobbled slightly as Olivia placed the cornbread on top of the table and handed Lisa a plate and silverware. “Be careful. It’s not exactly sturdy.”

“It is fine.” Lisa took a bite of cornbread after plastering it with large amounts of honey. “Yum,” she said, as Olivia glanced warmly at her nephew. They may not have nice things in their house or even much of a house at all, but there was love at their house in a way Lisa had never seen at her house. She’d trade her Porsche and designer clothes and purse for the chance to have Olivia as her mother.

Chase started dishing out the chili and with one look from Olivia decided not to take a bite from the bowl and instead passed it over to Lisa, who thanked him.

“So I hear things aren’t going that well at school.” Olivia sat down at the table, cutting out a slice of cornbread and placing it on a paper plate.

“How do you know?” Lisa looked over at Chase, who had his mouth full of chili. He shrugged.

“Small town, sweetie.” Olivia placed her hand lovingly on Lisa’s shoulder and looked deep in her eyes with caring, as if they were good friends or relatives.

“Well, my family hates me. My best friend hates me and I haven’t been able to get a hold of the one person who does care about me.”

Megan hadn’t returned any of her phone calls. She’d skipped out on school about the same time Lisa had attempted to leave. Only Megan got away with it. But every time she had tried Megan today, there was only a message saying the phone was no longer in service. Like, her dad had stopped paying for her phone or something.

“The ones who truly love you will come around.”

“What if that’s none of them?” Lisa moved her plate away, not feeling up to eating anymore. “All they see is filth and wickedness when they look at me. They think I can change.”

“Oh, honey if you could change and there was some magical solution, queers would be buying it up a storm and there would be none of us left.” Olivia smiled, showing her white teeth. She was beautiful and warm; it was hard to believe that anyone would not adore Olivia, but apparently people hated her too. For the same reason they hated Lisa.

The thought comforted Lisa. She didn’t feel as alone as she did at the beginning of the day. She was no longer the only Mormon lesbian in town. Hope spread through her. Maybe life wasn’t that bad. “But is it true that God has abandoned us?”

“You think the Creator or Creators care what religion we are over how we treat one another? Would you even want to have a God who only let Mormons into heaven? I sure as fuck wouldn’t. Heaven wouldn’t be much better than this godawful town. I’d rather live in hell, wouldn’t you?”

“Guess so.” Lisa loved hearing an adult who swore. It didn’t happen very much around these parts. It could be so suffocating here where everyone was the same. All the adults were so paranoid about getting to heaven and keeping all of God’s commandments that they didn’t seem like humans, only robots who didn’t have any fun. But Olivia was different, refreshingly so.

“Hang in there.” Olivia poured a large amount of honey and butter on her cornbread and took a bite. Part of it dripped on her shirt, reminding Lisa of an older Hailey. Sadness spread through Lisa at the memory of her best friend. Olivia must have sensed the change of mood on Lisa’s face, because she added. “It may seem like the end of the world now. But there is a whole world out there and there will be many people who do care about you.”

“Why do you stay here?” Lisa asked, meaning in Utah.

“This is my home. This is where I work and live. I’m not going to let anyone kick me out of town, no matter how ignorant they are or how much they try to make my life miserable. I enjoy myself, and I have friends I can truly count on. Plus the city is only an hour away. Rumor has it; we have the third largest LGBT population per capita right here in Salt Lake City.”

“Really?” Lisa fiddled with one of her tiny braids. If that was true, she could move to the city after she graduated and go to school up at the U of U. She would be surrounded by people like herself. The idea brought relief to Lisa, but unfortunately that seemed a century away. She still had two years of high school left and that was forever.

Her phone started ringing. Lisa picked it up on the second ring, hoping it was Megan.

“Where are you? Did you forget you were grounded, young lady?”

“Shit.” Lisa covered her mouth, but it was too late.

“Don’t you dare swear to me. You’re going to give me a migraine from all the stress you are causing me. And your dad is here, foaming at the mouth, ready to ground you until you get out of high school and even then, we’re ready to lock that money for college you’re supposed to get when you turn eighteen. So if you want to go to college or do anything until after you graduate, you better get home right this minute.” She screamed loud enough for both Chase and Olivia to probably make out every word she had said.

“Gotta go.”

“We see that.” Chase got up from the table, gathering Lisa’s paper plate and his and tossing them into the garbage can.

“It was really nice to meet you, Lisa. Know that you are welcome here anytime,” Olivia said.

Lisa tried to help with bringing the silverware to the sink, but Olivia waved her away. “I’ll get it.”

Lisa went to shake Olivia’s hand as Mormons often do, but changed her mind, feeling a hug was more appropriate. Olivia hugged her back. Lisa was the last one to release her. Usually hugs made her nervous, especially with adults, but this time it felt really good.

Chase opened the door for her, and they went out into the night.

“You going to teach me how to drive your baby one of these days?” Lisa asked, staring at his black and white Harley with the words Only Mine engraved on the tiny windshield.

“Can’t you read?”

Lisa smiled for real, the first time she had smiled all day as she straddled the bike again and held onto Chase’s waist. They flew off into the night. One good thing about living in a hick town was the stars were rarely hidden and even though they were moving fast she could see them up above her, making her feel like anything was possible if she wished it upon a star.

Chapter Fifteen

Escape

Hailey threw a paperback copy of The Catcher in the Rye into her locker, sighing with relief. It was finally Friday. Then she could go home and swim on her own time, not having to face the crowded school swimming pool. All anyone at the school could talk about was Lisa and her precious girlfriend, Megan. And Lisa had been missing for two straight days. If she kept this up, she’d be failing out of high school at sixteen.

Someone tapped her on the shoulder, causing her to jump and trip into the locker. She turned around to see a grinning Trent. “You trying to kill me?”

His white teeth disappeared as a frown formed. She immediately regretted being so snappy. She was still mad at him for doing nothing the other day when Lisa was in trouble, but she didn’t have to be so mean. “Sorry. Just jumpy I guess.”

“Hey, I’m sorry about yesterday. You’re right, I should have done something.”

“I’m not the one you should be apologizing to,” Hailey said, fiddling with her heart necklace she had chosen to wear outside her shirt today. She missed Lisa, but there wasn’t much she could do about it. She wasn’t answering any of her calls and why should she. Hailey hadn’t been there for her when Lisa needed her.

“That would require actually running into her once in a century,” Trent said.

“You live with her.” Hailey regretted saying that; she always had to point out the obvious.

“I get that. She comes in late, locks herself in her room and doesn’t come out until I’ve left for Madrigal practice,” Trent said, checking out his reflection in Lisa’s and Hailey’s locker room mirror. “I need to veg tonight, you in for a movie?”

Hailey wasn’t in the mood to be around people, and Trent was technically a person, one she only liked about half the time lately, but still it might give her a chance to talk to Lisa or at least see if she was doing okay. Midterms were coming up next week, and if Lisa didn’t show up for them she would fail her first year of high school and then Lisa would be destined for a life of drugs, odd jobs and maybe even homelessness. At least Lisa wouldn’t be able to get pregnant with her lifestyle choices.

“You there?” Trent asked, waving his hand in front of her face.

“Barely. I need to escape into a movie, too.”

“It’s settled.”

Katrina approached them while they were on their way out of the front double doors. “Is Lisa doing okay?” she asked both of them, but didn’t wait for an answer before continuing. “My younger sister says she missed her solo in concert choir this morning. If she doesn’t come, they’ll have to do the performance tomorrow without her.”

This wasn’t a good sign. Lisa never cared much for swimming, but singing was her lifelong passion. She’d never miss the chance to have a solo for a performance.

“That’ll make us look a lot better.” Trent shook a hand through his gel-infested hair.

Hailey opened her mouth to tell him this was a serious matter. “This isn’t funny.” Katrina said, beating her to it.

He held both palms up defensively. “I know. I’ll have a talk with her, I promise.”

“We need to practice too. All eight of us, even you, who seems distracted lately.” Katrina bumped him on the shoulder flirtatiously. “But that’s to be expected lately under the circumstances.”

“Me?” Trent pretended to look offended by placing his hand on his chest and opening his mouth. But even Hailey could see through it, he really was worried about Lisa. For some reason he just liked to pretend he wasn’t. “We’re going to watch a movie, but I’ll text you after and we can practice tomorrow too,” he said, unlocking his Jeep doors.

“Okay, toodles.” Katrina grinned, heading to her Cavalier parked right next to his.

Hailey waved goodbye as Trent reversed the Jeep. Could that girl be any more perfect? Not only was she a wonderful Mormon, but she could carry a tune almost as well as Lisa. And she didn’t seem to have any mental problems, unlike Hailey who overate when she was depressed. Katrina never seemed unhappy or like she didn’t have it all together, but then again that’s what Hailey used to think about Lisa. There were always secrets underneath the surface.

There was no sign of the blue Porsche in the driveway or inside the three-car garage where Trent parked. Disappointment flashed through Hailey, but she tried to hide it with a phony smile as Trent opened the door for her. She took his hand and let him help her out of the car. She used to think that was so adorable, now it was just a little obnoxious. She could open her own dang door. She wasn’t helpless.

He opened the garage door for her and they headed down the long corridor straight to the kitchen. Munchies during movies were essential. Trent reached to the top of the kitchen closet, retrieving two popcorn bags, a large bag of caramels and three cans of root beer. Movies were the only time Trent splurged on sodas or candy.

“Breaking your diet?”

“Hey, you can do it once a week.” Trent tossed a single bag of fat free popcorn into the microwave and hit a few buttons. Then he opened the fridge where he pulled out an entire square of butter and sliced it in half. When the popcorn finished popping, he threw the butter in and while that cooked, he unwrapped a bunch of caramels, warming them up separately, and poured them on top of the popcorn.

“Yummy. I love caramel on my popcorn.”

“I know. I know.”

Carrying her single popcorn covered in extra butter and a bowl of wrapped caramels, Hailey followed Trent up to his room. His walls were covered with male soloists, like David Archuleta, Donny Osmond and Kenny Chesney who wore a cowboy hat and was shirtless. Kelsey’s cracks about him being gay bothered Hailey, but she pushed the idea aside. No one was really gay anyway. He might be cursed with same-sex affliction like his sister was, but he could choose to be straight. Something Lisa apparently wasn’t willing to do. But did Hailey want to be with someone who didn’t ever want to have sex? The answer was easy of course. Love wasn’t about sex or kissing. They rarely kissed, but it didn’t seem to matter.

After they sat down on the floor, Hailey flicked a popcorn kernel on top of his yellow pullover sweater.

“If you hit me do I not bruise. If you cut me do I not bleed.”

Hailey stole a pillow from the bed and threw it at him. He was so dramatic.

Trent tossed the same pillow back onto the cushioned queen bed, where five feathery pillows already rested. “If you hit me with a pillow do I not get red faced.”

She reached over and tickled him on his side, right below his armpit, the place where he was the most sensitive. He squealed between sobs of laughter. “If you tickle me, do I not giggle uncontrollably,” Hailey said, giving him a chance to collect his breath. “Sorry, had to get you for being so dramatic.”

“Drama. That’s a good idea,” he said, walking to his movie collection and then holding up a current version of Pride and Prejudice.

“There’s enough drama in my life. Our lives right now. Don’t you think?” The room went silent, as the two of them exchanged a knowing look.

Trent grabbed a copy of The Sound of Music from his dresser, one of his all-time favorites.

“No thank you. I don’t want to watch a movie where people randomly burst into song, too fake.” Hailey shook her head. “What about a comedy?”

“Napoleon Dynamite it is,” Trent said, putting the flick in the DVD player and plowing himself down in front of the bed, using it as his backrest.

Hailey reached for her bag of popcorn and joined him on the floor. “Aren’t you worried you’ll be robbing the cradle in less than a month?” she teased, leaning her head on his shoulder. Even though Trent was a junior, he was turning eighteen in February. He’d been held back in kindergarten due to his severe case of dyslexia, something he didn’t struggle as much with now due to expensive private tutors.

“I can’t wait for a big expensive party. Eighteen means I’m finally an adult. Do I look any different?”

“Yeah, you look old. I think I see a balding spot.”

“E-eew, don’t say that.” Trent jumped up, checking his reflection in the mirror. “I have to tell people I’m turning seventeen though so they don’t think I’m strange.”

“You worry too much what people think,” Hailey said.

He finally pulled his eyes away from the mirror and sat down beside her. “Look who’s talking.”

“Shh. The movie’s started.”

After an hour and a half of clean high school comedy about a loser and his adventures, the credits rolled. “Better head out,” Hailey said.

“I should see if we’re practicing tonight.” Trent got up from the floor and checked his phone, probably to see if Katrina had sent him a text. Hailey wondered if the two of them should just start dating. It used to bother her how close they were but it didn’t bother her right now. She was happy at the idea of going home.

***

On their way down the stairs, a front door closed.

“Where have you been all day? The school called,” Lisa’s mom said before Lisa could even hang up her coat in the closest.

Hailey took a few steps back, but didn’t turn around, wanting to keep an eye on what was happening. After all, this was the real reason she came over.

“We scheduled you to go to the Evergreen meeting tonight that’s being held in Provo.”

Provo was about a half hour away, with good traffic.

“You didn’t think to ask me first about this?” Lisa asked.

“There’s no discussion and we want you to go in Trent’s car.” Her mom stole Lisa’s set of keys right out of her hands and then dangled the keys in front of her as if mocking her.

“Why?” Lisa stomped her boot on the hardwood floor.

From the living room couch her dad threw down his book and looked over at Lisa. “Don’t argue. Just do it.”

“She thinks you’re going to run away,” Trent offered, as if it wasn’t already obvious to everyone in the room.

“Duh.” Lisa swiped her hand through Trent’s bangs and hair, messing it up.

“I can’t take her. I was supposed to have another rehearsal for Madrigals tonight.”

“I can take her,” Hailey said, trying to be helpful, but the ice- cold look on Lisa’s face told her she should have kept her mouth closed.

“Was this your idea?” Lisa asked her mother.

“Don’t blame her.” Dad stood up from the couch and moved to the front door. “It had nothing to do with her. It was my idea.”

“You all ever think, um, I don’t know, that the Mormon Church doesn’t have all the answers?” Lisa fired out.

Her dad threw his hands up. “Now you get in that car with your brother right this minute or you’re out of here for good. Trent, you have all day tomorrow, you’ll have to reschedule till then.”

Lisa went pouncing to the door, looking strangely like Kelsey. It must be true when psychologists say people choose friends who remind them of their family members because that’s who they’re most comfortable with.

“Everyone misses you at school,” Hailey said at the doorway when Lisa and Trent’s parents had gone back to their reading and Internet search. She only half-lied; Hailey missed having Lisa in her classes and in swimming practice, but most everyone just wanted Lisa to come to school so they could have more to talk about behind her back.

Lisa stared at her for a long time as the three of them went outside and headed to the car in silence.

“You’re still wearing it,” Lisa said matter-of-factly, staring at the best friend pendant on her striped gray and red top. She closed the Jeep door before Hailey had a chance to respond.

That wasn’t weird at all! Maybe Lisa had started smoking pot among other things. Who knew what other things Megan had talked her into?

Hailey sneaked through the side fence door, dropped her jacket and dived into the heated pool. Clothes and all! She swam back and forth as fast as she could to try to forget that her life had become so messed up.

Chapter Sixteen

Ex-Lesbian

Lisa entered the Evergreen meeting, which was taking place at a local ward house in their gymnasium, normally where young Mormon adults played basketball or volleyball. She did a double take at the person greeting them, unclear whether they were male or female.

As if reading her thoughts, the person said. “Hi, I’m Sue. Come on in.” She gripped Lisa’s hand tightly. Her name said woman, but it was hard to tell with the buzz haircut and even though she had a long skirt on, her wife-beater top under a pleather jacket was masculine and in desperate need of a fashion revival. Her grease-stained hands and tennis shoes topped it off.  Did she ever use a mirror or take a shower?

Biting her tongue in pain from the handshake, Lisa checked to make sure her fingers were not broken. Jesus, what steroids did that woman take? Testosterone injections perhaps?

Sue turned her attention to Trent, shaking his hand. “Struggling with same-sex attraction gets easier. I’m the perfect example.”

Yeah, right. What example would that be? How to look butchier than every lesbian on the face of the universe?

“It was nice of your sister to come join you.” She looked Lisa up and down like she was a frosty cupcake.

Lisa gasped. A few of the people in the room turned her way so she covered her mouth.

“What’s wrong?” Sue dropped her hand, frowning.

Trent scowled. “I’m not the one with the purity problem.”

“Oh. You’re so funny,” Sue said in a deep masculine voice.

“No, seriously. I’m not the gay one.” Trent rested his hand up on his chest. “Lisa has issues dealing with same-sex attraction.”

“I see.” The super butch woman again looked Lisa up and down, finally catching on.

E-eew. She might as well start moaning. Lisa backed up from the scary woman. Everyone in the room gave her the willies. Her dad used to tell her that Evergreen wasn’t started by the Mormon leaders, but by ex-gays, who all just happened to be members.

“My dad works here,” Trent said by way of further explanation.

Lisa’s father had occasionally helped with Evergreen on a volunteer basis, but he actually worked with Sutherland Institute, whose main offices were only one floor up from Evergreen’s. Sutherland Institute was a political power base for conservatives.  Lisa found it obvious that Institute was also the name for the college form of seminary.

Of course Mormons denied their direct involvement, like they did with the National Organization for Marriage, but they were certainly indirectly involved. All organizations had been formed around the time same-sex marriages and rights became a reality in the country. Since her dad was a lawyer, he came in handy for them. Even though SI or NOM weren’t officially part of the Church, all or most of its members were Mormons.

“I mean I look at men,” Trent babbled on. “Who doesn’t? They do have nice muscles, but girls are gemstone and are meant to be cherished. I would never disrespect my future wife, no matter how—”

Sue laughed huskily.

Grabbing his tie, Lisa dragged him away. “If you don’t stop talking, you’re going to be locked up in an Evergreen hospital, if it exists. But then again, that’s not such a bad idea.” She stopped and let go of his white Prada tie.

Lisa wished her mom had talked her into changing out of her short leather skirt and burgundy camisole top. Her mother had been more concerned with getting her out the door than the appropriateness of her apparel. Trent just happened to keep a spare tie in his Jeep. He was so gay!

Most the other girls, and even some boys, or maybe girls, wore flowery or long dresses to their knees and the boys wore suits and ties, however feminine some of them managed to make their appearance. It’d be refreshing to be around people who weren’t all exactly the same, if they didn’t act like they were on some comedy show. None of these people seemed the least bit straight.

A boy with a butterfly barrette in his hair and a pink tie approached them. “Hi, I’m Mikey.” His gray eyes studied Trent closely. “Is this your first time here?”

Trent scratched the imaginary beard forming under his chin. “Yes, I’m just here to help her.”

“Yeah, I’ve used that one before,” Mikey said in a high voice and then sat on one of the nearby chairs, patting the one next to him for Trent.

“I’m sitting with my sister.” Trent took his hands from his hips and pulled his tucked-in polo shirt out of his corduroy pants.

“I’m good.” Lisa sat on an empty folding chair between a feminine girl in a long dress and Mikey, just to bug him. Trent was forced to sit on the other side of Mikey.

A man in his fifties motioned the rest of the group to sit down somewhere in the circle of chairs. After everyone obeyed, he announced, “Hi, for all of those who don’t know me, I’m Brother Stanley. I’m a successful ex-gay for five years. I’m married with five kids.”

And I never have sex, unless it’s to procreate and even then I think about Bruce Willis, Lisa wanted to say.

“I’d like to open with a prayer, any volunteers?”

Mikey shot his hand up and waved it around, even though no one else had shown an interest. After Stanley nodded for him to go on, Mikey stood up and folded his arms on top of his slim waist. “Heavenly Father, thank you for the opportunity for all of us to be here tonight. Thank you for the new people that have come tonight. It’s nice to have some people closer to my age.”

God, was he salivating? Lisa watched Mikey without bothering to fold her arms or close her eyes.

“And I’m thankful TBS let me record an edited version of a Tom Cruise movie so I could practice this week in how to follow thy will and learn how to ignore my desire for other boys and—”

Stanley cleared his throat, loudly.

“I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.”

Quiet amen’s followed. Then Stanley sat down in a chair. “We would like everyone to go around and state their names for the newcomers.” Stanley wore a penguin suit, like most of the other older men, and had on a purple tie. He looked right at Trent, who slumped down into his chair. “And if you are not new, say one activity you did to overcome your same-sex attraction impulses this week.”

Mikey stood up first. He combed his tan hair with his fingers and slipped his barrette inside his pocket. “Hi, I’m Mikey.” After the crowd said hello to him, he continued. “Well, I decided to practice what I would do if I saw a hot guy in his boxers, so what I did was watch Risky Business a few hundred times and every time I got a woody I would say a prayer and think of Mary without her shirt on. This way I can build up my impulse control. So when I see the other boys taking showers at school, I don’t get turned on.”

The crowd politely clapped, but most of them raised their eyebrows or sat forward in their chairs. Lisa liked this boy, he seemed interesting and he was the one of the few in the crowd who didn’t look ancient. Most were in their thirties or above and could benefit from serious mirror time.

As soon as Mikey sat back down in his seat, he placed his hand behind Trent’s seat, causing her brother to move so far forward that he collapsed off his chair and onto the gymnasium floor.

A few people snickered, Lisa almost being one of them. This night wasn’t turning out so bad after all; it was providing much needed comic relief. But she still wanted to kill her parents for making her go through this hell. She wished her parents didn’t want her to change into something she would never be: straight.

Trent got back into his seat, crossing his legs, but then quickly uncrossed them, probably realizing it looked gay. Lisa wished she had a video camera.

It took Trent a while to notice there was a reason everyone was still staring at him.

“Trent,” he finally said, not bothering to stand up. Probably afraid he would fall again.

Everyone else had boring introductions compared to Mikey and Trent, but there were some humorous ideas for how people dealt with what they ignorantly called same-sex attraction. Why couldn’t these people get that there was no magical pill or solution? If there was, every single gay, bi or lesbian person in the universe would sign up and there wouldn’t be any more homosexuals, just like Olivia had said.

A girl next to Lisa, with straggly dark hair that flew every which way and a long brown skirt, stood up and said, “Hi, I’m Kat.”

“Hi Kat,” said everyone in the group besides Trent and Lisa.

“I asked a boy in my seminary class to go on a date with me. I kept telling myself I would kiss him at the end of the date, no matter how gross it seemed. But when the time came and he went to kiss me, he made it worse by trying to use his slimy tongue and his onion breath made me so queasy that I threw up on him. Now no guy will ever go out with me again.” A tear fell down her cheek and into her mouth.

This girl needed help desperately. “So,” Lisa said, a lot louder than she had intended. The whole group turned her way. Stanley sent her death glares. She ignored them, turning her attention on Kat. “Well you don’t want to kiss a guy anyway; so why does it matter if they don’t want to go out with you?”

The tears stopped flowing down her face. “I guess you do have a point.”

“None of this,” snapped the organizer with the purple tie.

Lisa swallowed, but didn’t back down. “None of what? I was trying to make her feel better, which is not what you are doing by forcing her to go out with a guy she doesn’t want to go out with, and making her think she has to be someone she’s not.”

“Why don’t you sit out the rest of this session, until you can act like an adult?”

“I’m the only one here who’s acting like an adult.”

Lisa got up from her chair and stalked out of the gymnasium, letting the door slam behind her.

God, she wanted her car right now. She’d drive off a bridge. Life sucked. No one understood what it was like to be her, to be a lesbian living in an outdated culture where people acted like everyone should be exactly the same. She kicked a tree growing in the Church’s garden as hard as she could. A family in an SUV stared at her as they drove by. She glared at them and then kicked harder.

“Ouch, that hurt,” she said out loud. Great, now she was talking to herself. Maybe I’m the one who needs desperate help.

“Do you have to be the hugest embarrassment on the face of Smithville?” Trent said, coming out the side door.

“Me, mister-I’m-just-here-for-my-sister? But I’m going to land on my ass because a guy touches my chair?”

“It had nothing to do with that.”

“Okay,” she mocked.

He shook his keys. “Why don’t you walk home?”

“You know full well Mom would kill you if I walked home. I wouldn’t be home till tomorrow.”

“I’d just tell her you ran away,” Trent said, starting to walk to his Jeep.

“Whatever. I don’t even understand what the hell we were doing here in the first place.”

“’Cause HF would want us here.”

“If there was a Heavenly Father or God out there, I think he’d be laughing his ass off over that meeting.” Lisa pointed to the Church.

Trent turned around, frowning. “Could you be more disrespectful? He can hear us you know.” He pointed to the sky.

Lisa snorted. “Ever think maybe there’s nothing wrong with any of us? He didn’t make a mistake in creating us the way we are. Ever think of that?”

“Us?” Trent screeched. “There’s no us here.”

“Oh come on, the denial’s getting old.”

“We’re not talking about this anymore, you hear?” he said, sounding just like Dad. He formed a fist and punched it into his leg. Then he clicked open the Jeep doors and started around to the driver’s side.

“I’m sorry but nobody can change their sexual orientation, like it’s some kind of outfit,” Lisa said as she got into the Jeep.

Trent turned the radio on full blast to some country song as he drove out of the church lot. The song was fitting, as the odor horse and cow manure filled the car because he never bothered putting the roof up unless it was raining or snowing.

Lisa started singing along with a beautiful soprano voice. She enjoyed getting lost in the music as her voice closely matched the other woman’s. The woman sang about her love for a man and how she couldn’t go one more minute without being around him, making Lisa miss Megan. She wished tomorrow were a school day; the whole weekend could go by without running into Megan. When she’d checked her phone a few minutes ago, there was still no message from her. If she didn’t have Megan to get her through all this family drama, she didn’t know how she was going to make it through the weekend alive.

Chapter Seventeen

Ultimate Betrayal

Listening to rock music and attempting to study algebra was boring Lisa half to death. Every time she tried to send a text message to Megan, it would come back to her stating it was undeliverable. Trent was in his room, probably doing some weird gymnastics-slash-yoga move. Hopefully he’d fall on his ass and do permanent damage. The parental figures were gone to some lawyer dinner so it would be a good time to sneak Megan in, if only she would call.

Her phone rang. Lisa jumped up with excitement and caught it on the first ring. God, could she be anymore desperate? “Hello?” she asked, hoping it was Megan but the caller ID read out-of-area.

“Thank Goddess, it’s you. I’m coming over. I’ll meet you outside?” Megan’s voice was high, she sounded out of breath.

Lisa’s blood raced excitedly. “Come in. It’s just my prissy brother here. But call first so I can sneak you in without him noticing.”

Twenty minutes later, Lisa leaned further into her comfy beanbag chair, munching on her Ding Dong. There was nothing better than eating a smothering chocolate pastry with the girl of her dreams. She pushed the Ding Dong box back under the bed with her feet. She hated having parents who were such health food nuts they thought anything that tasted remotely delicious was made by the devil.

Megan shoved the rest of her Ding Dong into her mouth and then started fingering Lisa’s music collection. “I thought everyone around here liked country.”

“Well, my Brad Paisley’s stacked with my rifle and George Bush family tribute.”

Megan laughed.

Lisa wanted to laugh, but couldn’t. A weight constantly pulled down her shoulders. Any minute her parents could walk in and she’d be busted. Ever since the kissing video went viral, they had watched her like she was going to blow up the house. Also, a part of her seemed missing without Hailey around every day. She missed her something terrible, even if she still wanted to kill her.

Finally deciding on a contemporary pop singer, Megan threw a CD in the player and then plopped down next to Lisa on the same beanbag, bumping her leg and landing almost on top of her. Sparks flew inside Lisa as she leaned so close to her that their lips were only inches apart.

This time Lisa went in for the taste, and God, it was a breathtakingly juicy kiss. Lisa never wanted it to end as they thirsted after each other like they were on a blood diet. Until Megan released the embrace and stood up and kicked the door shut. “I thought I saw someone.”

Lisa’s heart jumped, first from fear of being caught and then from Megan as she landed back on the beanbag chair and snuggled her body to Lisa’s, hungrily bringing her lips back. Every single part of her body lit on fire.

Megan lifted Lisa’s shirt up and was caressing her right breast when a loud noise startled them. Both her parents and brother stood in the doorway, mouths agape.

Megan released her and Lisa stood up. Her heart stopped cold. She was dead.

“You’re Satan’s child,” her mom screamed. “You’re no longer mine.”

Her brother wouldn’t meet Lisa’s eye. He was the culprit behind her parents’ early arrival. “Tattletale,” she yelled at him, not that it would matter anyway. The damage was done.

Her dad scowled. “This is not his fault. You’re the one who’s committing a grievous unforgivable sin.”

“If I was straight, you wouldn’t even care.”

Dad swallowed hard. “Of course I would care. But this, this is so much worse. I thought we got this out of your system.”

“I didn’t choose to be this way.”

“You chose to act on it. And I cannot have this behavior in my house. It’s the Lord’s house,” Dad said, cold and businesslike, as if he were discussing his tax return and not Lisa’s life.

“I thought you got this dirty thing out of your system!” Mom scrunched up her nose; she was wearing her five-thousand-dollar black dress over her thin frame. “Now you’re here with this tramp, who’s made you think you’re, you’re—”

“A lesbian,” Lisa filled in for her. Her mother acted as if the word were the worst one in the English language. “I’m still the same person. It’s not like I ever killed anyone.”

Neither of her parents would look her way. Mom kept glaring at Megan. Dad was focused on the wall behind Lisa, like it hurt him to look at her.

She wished those thoughts of Hailey hadn’t kept her from driving her car off the cliff. Being dead would be better than this. Anything would be better than the way her father and the rest of her family were glaring at her right now as if she were trash under their feet.

“You might as well have,” Dad said, opening the bedroom door as if to tell everyone to get out, especially Megan and Lisa.

Lisa stormed past her parents and out into the hallway.

“What are you going to do, beat her to death? ’Cause it looks as if you already have,” Megan said, the last one out of the bedroom.

Lisa started down the staircase, but tripped on the first step. Megan helped her get back on her feet and they went down the stairs together. The chandelier hung over their heads as if mocking them, as if taunting them to keep on pushing their luck with Dad and it would smite down the two of them. The rest of the family stood at the top of the stairs like a group of wolves, ready to attack.

“How dare you talk to me like that; I’m the head of this household and I deserve respect,” Dad said, as he came down the stairs. He pointed at Megan. “Who the heck are you to even address me at all.”

“The name’s Megan. And your daughter deserves respect too. She didn’t do anything wrong.” Megan looked distant, distracted, as if Lisa’s father was reminding her of her own father. “You on the other hand—”

“That’s it. Get out of my house right now before I call the cops.”

Megan stared him down, without moving an inch, as if asking him to cross the line the way her own father did. Trent and Mom were slowly moving down the stairs, like zombies moving at slow speed, afraid to make any sudden movements.

“Get out!” he screamed, throwing his hands up. “Both of you.”

“You’re a douche bag,” Megan said, her strength coming through as she stood firmly in place. She formed a fist, ready to defend herself if need be.

Dad stepped forward looking as if he was going to slap Megan’s face, forcing her to back to the front door and step out into the dark night.

“Are you kicking me out for good?” Lisa asked, every part of her shaking with terror and the ultimate betrayal. It was like someone else had taken over her body because this moment was too painful for her to live in it. It hurt to breathe.

“That’s not what I’m doing.” Dad turned to Lisa. “You are not to come back until you’ve changed your sexuality. For good.”

Lisa picked up her wallet and took her leather jacket from the closet.

“Keys, platinum card,” Dad said, his hand out. He still was unable to look Lisa in the eye, as much as she tried to get him to face her by following his eyes.

“You can’t be serious. Where am I going to go?”

“It’s of no concern to me. I no longer have a daughter,” Dad said, focusing on her wallet.

“Mom,” Lisa called out, her voice breaking. This couldn’t be happening. None of this seemed real; it was some horror movie come to life. The worst kind in the world, worse than Wes Craven, especially since this was real life, except it didn’t feel real.

The room moved in slow motion. Trent stood at the bottom of the stairs, frowning. Mom, with her pointy noise turned under, was looking down at Lisa like she was a spider that needed to be crushed. Dad, only a few feet away, might as well have been miles away. None of these people were family anymore. They were her worst enemies; maybe even worse than her worst enemies because no one else had ever hurt her so much.

This godawful moment would remain stapled to Lisa’s mind forever. Was this what spirituality meant to them? Kicking her out because she wasn’t who they wanted her to be? It wasn’t fair. All in the name of some demigod cult they worshipped! Lisa threw the card and keys at her father, not caring that she smacked him in the face with the keys.

Lisa turned around, turned her back against a family she was no longer a part of. A family who hated her. She couldn’t change her homosexuality any more than they could change their heterosexuality, but it didn’t matter to them. They acted like she was a toxic disease they could catch by allowing her to remain in their home, where all her memories and possessions still rested. She was the black sheep, the social pariah and would now be homeless, forced to survive and fend for herself at the age of sixteen.

My life hasn’t even started yet, but here I am. My dad used to scare the monsters away from underneath my bed. My brother used to share the bunk with me when I couldn’t fall asleep. My mom used to read fairy books that all ended happily ever after. Was this the same family that will now close their doors on me forever? Some happily ever after.

Lisa slammed the door as hard as she could manage with her weakened muscles. The cold wind whipped against her cheeks, beating her up on the outside, matching the beating on the inside. Shaking, she collapsed on the porch, tears flowing down like blood from an open wound; a wound that would probably never heal, no matter how much time passed.

Chapter Eighteen

Saved

Hailey checked her pink fluorescent clock. She had ten minutes before it was time to leave for sacrament meeting, the first hour of Church. Today was fast-and-testimony meeting and she was looking forward to renewing her faith. But, one look in her full-length mirror told her she was never going to look good enough to face people. Strands of her thin hair had actually started to turn a shade of light green.

“Let me help.” Kelsey stood at the doorway of her room, staring at her. She wore cotton heart pajamas and a red-laced tank top. She walked into the bedroom and picked up scissors that were lying on the vanity dresser.

“No way,” Hailey said, moving away.

“Relax, I know what I’m doing.”

Well, Kelsey’s hair always looked perfect. Even though she had her nightclothes on, her weaved blond-brown hair was styled like she’d just gotten out of a salon. But then again this was Kelsey. She might have plans to cut the whole thing off. “Trust me.” She winked, her long eyelashes brushing her cheek.

Fine. It wasn’t like her hair could look any worse than it already did.

Kelsey started snipping off the ends of her hair, taking special care with the discolored ones. She hummed while she worked. When she was done with the trim, she pulled Hailey into the bathroom where she plugged in a curling iron and blow-dryer. A carton of hair spray later, Hailey couldn’t believe how good her hair looked. It was like she was another person altogether. No more green. Her hair looked alive and full, almost like it had a mind of its own.

“Don’t move,” Kelsey told her, leaving the room, giving Hailey an opportunity to twirl around in her long pink skirt and white multi-buttoned blouse. She had to admit she looked good.

She came back a few minutes later with a case of makeup in her hands. She pulled Hailey’s chin up to hers as she started powdering on cover-up.

“I’m going to be late.”

“Oh, it’s like a rerun every Sunday anyway. Someone says a prayer, everyone sings or whispers a song, and someone passes the sacrament, blah blah. You’re not going to miss much.” Kelsey dabbed blush on her cheeks and then pulled out a tube of lipstick, applying it to Hailey’s lips. The moisture soothed Hailey’s chapped lips; another side effect from so much swimming.

“We better go. You need to get ready.” Hailey blotted her lips on a napkin Kelsey held up for her.

“Not if I’m not going.”

Hailey wasn’t in the mood for another World War Three between her mom and sister. “Mom will kill you.”

“I can take it,” Kelsey said, grabbing her shoulders and facing her toward the mirror. She had to admit Kelsey was a genius. The person staring back at her didn’t look anything like the shy, pimply, green-haired girl from earlier. This girl almost looked like a woman, a beautiful one with no blemishes, well-styled hair and features that lasted forever.

“Wow,” Hailey said, not knowing what else to say.

Kelsey tugged at Hailey’s arm, pulling her out of the bathroom and bedroom. “Come on. We need to show Dad my masterpiece.”

Mom turned from the sink when they entered, almost dropping her half-eaten pancakes on the floor at the sight of them. She barely glanced at Hailey before focusing all of her attention on Kelsey. “Why aren’t you ready?” she asked, smoothing out her long black-and-white skirt.

Kelsey ignored her. She dragged Hailey over to Dad, who was at the table in his suit, reading the Sunday paper. He set it down, admiring her new look. “Doesn’t she look like a new Hailey?”

“Sure does. You’re talented, Kels,” Dad said.

Kelsey beamed.

“Although, the old Hailey is beautiful also,” Dad winked at Hailey, before standing up from the table.

“Get ready,” Mom said to Kelsey. “We have five minutes.”

Kelsey picked up the paper, shuffling through it to focus on the entertainment section. “I’m not going.”

Mom ripped the paper from her eldest daughter. “Like heck you aren’t.”

“Ease up. She can miss a day or two. If we keep fighting, we’ll all miss Church,” Dad said and then mumbled, “Not that that would be so awful.”

“You’re the reason she acts like this,” Mom said to Dad. Her hearing was exceptional, and clearly she was not sure why Dad was trying to make this situation worse.

Hailey didn’t want to get involved, but it was already ten minutes past the hour and even with Mormon Standard Time, usually service started about five past the hour. “Can’t we all just go?”

Mom patted her back appreciatively. All the touching and fighting was starting to irritate Hailey, but she couldn’t exactly go out and buy a new family on short notice. “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” Mom asked.

Hailey jerked away. This really sucked. They were going to be the last family to walk into Church. They were going to have to sit in the last pew.

“Why do I have to be?” Kelsey shrugged like she didn’t care, but her voice betrayed her as it cracked. “What’s so wrong with me?”

“Look at her. She’s all ready and pretty and modestly dressed, not giving me the third degree.” Mom slithered her hand through Hailey’s hair and then rested it on her back.

Hailey wanted to back away. She liked the attention, but it made her uncomfortable, especially with how much it seemed to bother Kelsey.

“Don’t mess up her hair,” Kelsey said, and then stormed down the hallway. The door to her room slammed so loudly, it was audible this far away.

“Let’s just go,” Dad said. “Leave her be.”

“Fine,” Mom said, collecting her leather jacket and purse. She smiled at Hailey. “Are you ready?”

“Yes, thanks to Kelsey.” Hailey got her scripture bag from the closet.

The corners of Mom’s mouth turned down. “Well, you don’t have to have pounds of makeup on to look beautiful.”

Mom was so talented at making everyone in the house feel rotten. She was worse than Kelsey. If she was miserable or upset about something, everyone else had to be too.

Even though Church was less than a mile away, the three of them finally piled into her dad’s red Ferrari. There wasn’t much room, but any excuse for him to drive it. That was one thing Mom did allow him, it encouraged him to go to Church. He always snuck out after Sacrament meeting, most of the time with Kelsey, but at least he went to part of it, as long as he could drive. And then the rest of them walked home.

Fortunately, even though Church had started, their usual seat in the third row was still available, except for an older couple taking up one end. The three of them piled in. Hailey immediately searched for Lisa but she wasn’t with her family in their usual spot on the left side of the chapel. That was unusual. Her parents were stricter than her mom was about Church attendance. She hoped Lisa wasn’t sick.

Trent looked over and waved; Hailey realized she was staring at them. She turned her attention back to the Bishop of the Ward, who was addressing the crowd, letting everyone know it was fast-and-testimony meeting and after Sacrament anyone was welcome to speak.

This reminded Hailey of her aching stomach. She had started fasting at ten o’clock last night and it was already noon. She eagerly ate the piece of bread as it came past her row. She had three more hours of Church and then she’d break her fast, if she could last that long.

Lisa’s mom was the first one to stand up for the microphone. She cleared her throat. “It’s been about a year, but today I felt like I needed to stand up. As some of you already know my daughter is having a rough time.”

“Lesbian,” Scott coughed under his breath a few rows down from Lisa’s mother. Hailey whipped around, imagining what he would look like with mud pie all over his face. He was such a sleaze. It wasn’t like her mom wasn’t having a hard enough time as it was, without douche bags like him around.

The deacon, a twelve-year-old boy who was managing the microphone during service, laughed as did some of the other younger boys. What a role model!

Lisa’s mom continued without too much pause. “We ask that you keep us in your prayers at a time like this. We pray that she will come back to the fold and repent of her sins. We ask Heavenly Father at this time that our prodigal daughter will return to the Church.”

Kelsey sat down next to Hailey in the pew, distracting her from Mrs. White’s speech and forcing her to move down. Hailey gasped. Her sister wore holey jeans and a white long-sleeved shirt decorated with a cigarette and the message I Smoke Boys.

Mom leaned over Hailey and tugged Kelsey’s right braid to get her attention. “How dare you embarrass me this way? You are to leave immediately and come back when you’re dressed appropriately. You are grounded for one month. And if you don’t come back for the other two hours of Church, I will make it two.”

Almost the whole row in front of them turned around to see what the commotion was about. A granny at the end focused her attention on Kelsey’s inappropriate outfit and opened her mouth, but one look from Mom told her to shut it. No female wore pants in Church and Hailey had never seen a girl or woman wear any type of pants at all, even dress ones. So Kelsey stood out like a sore thumb. It seemed as if every single person in the congregation were looking at them like they were aliens. Even the boy behind the microphone who was bearing his testimony couldn’t keep his eyes off her.

“I know this Church is true, I know Jesus Christ is the savior. I know Thomas S. Monson speaks for the Lord,” the young boy said, echoing what many of the children in the congregation said.

Most of the other testimonies were exactly the same, even from some of the adults. Hailey wanted to stand up and bear her own testimony, but she wasn’t so sure anymore. And the last thing Hailey wanted to do was draw any more attention to her family. Kelsey finally stood up and left the pew. Hailey turned to watch along with half the congregation as her sister stormed out of the assembly hall in her jeans, jeans that had a tiny hole in the crotch. Scott whistled, but was immediately reprimanded by his father, who was stake president, a calling that was over the bishop or leader of their Church. She loved her sister, but she also hated her. She could be so embarrassing. Trent, from a few rows up, lifted his shoulders questioningly. Maybe Trent and Kelsey were switched at birth. It would make a lot more sense if Lisa and Kelsey were sisters. But if that were the case, then Hailey had kissed her brother. Gross. Not that kissing Trent was that remarkable. Sometimes it did feel like she was kissing her brother.

After the rest of the embarrassing service, Hailey said goodbye to her father and then weaved through the small crowds of people, searching for Trent. She finally found him outside one of the small classrooms. He seemed far away, and there were bags under his green eyes. “What’s wrong? Is Lisa okay?”

“Can’t deal with this right now,” he said, slipping into the classroom, one reserved exclusively for boys his age.

If Trent wasn’t going to talk, she’d have to find Lisa at school tomorrow. She missed Lisa something fierce and wanted to make sure she was okay. She’d even apologize if that would mean she would find out if she was okay. The door closed in front of her. She glanced at a picture hanging in the hallway, of Christ in the Garden of Gethsemane, where he shed blood for everyone’s sins. She resolved to spend the rest of her Sabbath Day praying for her best friend alongside Mrs. White, hoping Lisa would come back to the light.

Chapter Nineteen

Heart

Megan jumped out from behind the family tree. Lisa fell back onto the porch in shock. “Go ahead. Scare me to death,” Lisa said dryly.

“God, you look like—” she started to say.

Lisa wiped her tears away, feeling like a fool. “Hell,” she finished for her. “I feel like it too.” Another sudden noise startled her, causing her heart to skip, reminding her she was still alive. This time the noise came from the front door.

“Here.” Trent stood in the doorway, a wad of hundred dollar bills in his hand. He passed it over to Megan.

“I don’t want it!” Lisa screamed, grabbing the cash from Megan and throwing it back at him. Money fell all over the porch, some of it landing on Trent. Hope he rots in his money. Hope Mom and Dad die alone in their gallons of money and self-righteous beliefs.

“We’ll take it,” Megan said, gathering up the money and mouthing thanks.

“I’m so sorry. This isn’t right,” Trent said.

“It’s not what you wanted?”

“Not this,” Trent said, looking anguished. “If you wait, I can pack you a suitcase.”

Lisa fought back her desire to shove him into the door. “Where am I going to go?”

“I’m so sorry.” He shrugged. “I’ll get Strawberry.”

“And do what with her?” Lisa asked, but swallowed her anger to ask, “Will you take care of her for me? Make sure Mom and Dad don’t take her to the pound.”

“I’ll be right back,” he said, leaving the door open.

Lisa pushed it shut. She wasn’t in the mood for any more confrontations. Knowing her parents, they might go so far as to call the cops on her. She never dreamed they would do that to her. Lisa mumbled under her breath to Megan, “They probably care more about my kitty than they do me.”

“Honey, they don’t know anything. They’re so brainwashed. They deserve a beating, is what they deserve.”

Lisa looked over to the Mancinis’ house, their porch light on. She could really use her best friend right now. Megan was helping, but she was essentially still a stranger. She needed Hailey, but when she’d needed her the most she wasn’t there. Lisa collapsed on Megan’s shoulder, pretending it was Hailey there beside her. “Can you help me get to your house?”

Megan nodded, but pointed to her legs. “It’s my only mechanized form of transportation. I’d carry you but I don’t think I’m strong enough.”

Trent chose that moment to open the door, carrying a heavy pink suitcase.

“Not sure how we’re going to carry that,” Lisa said.

“Let me drive you somewhere,” Trent offered, picking up the suitcase with both hands.

“Mom and Dad will see and you’ll get in trouble.”

“They went to their room. Let’s go.”

Trent’s Jeep was the only car that wasn’t expensive and so he parked it in the driveway. He carried the suitcase into the Jeep and stared at his sister, who hadn’t budged an inch. She wasn’t sure she could move ever again. “You coming?”

The three of them climbed into the Jeep. Megan had to help Lisa in. She was in such a daze she could barely walk.

“Where to?” Trent asked, starting the Jeep.

“Megan’s,” Lisa said, hoping Trent packed her makeup case. She probably looked like blubbery hell, not that it mattered anyway. She didn’t have the energy to ask him and the suitcase was in the back.

“I haven’t stayed there myself for days now.”

“Shit.” They were screwed. “Where do you stay?”

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me.” Megan poked her head into the opening between the front seats to peer back at her. “Something I don’t exactly tell my dates. Hey, I’m Megan. I live on the streets.”

“What about a hotel?” Trent asked, trying to be helpful. They certainly had the cash for it.

“None of us are eighteen. Go to the cemetery, there’s an abandoned house we stay at by there. It’s about to be demolished so it’s not exactly the Hilton but it’ll work. That is until the cops raid it.”

Who was we? “What about Chase’s aunt?” Lisa asked, not wanting to sleep in some creepy house with strangers where the cops could bust in at any moment, probably taking turns at raping them.

Megan tugged a tangle out of her oily hair. “She got arrested last week for trying to help us. It’s a felony to harbor a minor here. She got off with a warning, but next time she’ll get the slammer.” Megan pointed for Trent to turn into a street toward the cemetery.

“I can stay with you,” Trent said, as the three of them stood outside the abandoned house. The same one they had seen earlier when Lisa had visited the cemetery with Megan. No wonder she’d said she could walk home from the cemetery—it wasn’t much of a walk.

An African American boy about Lisa’s age came down the porch steps and approached them, an open pocketknife in his hand. Lisa jumped back, ready to scream.

“What you’ve never seen a brother before?”

Lisa had seen a few African Americans around, but only from afar. The city wasn’t exactly crawling with them. She couldn’t even remember the last time she had ever talked to one. Then she realized he was the guy who was with Little Comet at the Carnival.

“Sorry,” Lisa said, shutting her mouth. She checked out Trent, who looked ready to have a heart attack at any moment.

“Oh, you’re yummy,” Wave said, licking his lips and staring at Trent.

“I’ll be fine,” Lisa told him, placing his hands on her brother’s chest, pushing him away from Wave. “You can leave. No need for both of us to be homeless.”

Trent did as she said, piling back into the Jeep.

“Take care of Strawberry.”

“I will,” he mouthed, before driving off.

***

“Welcome to the real world,” Wave said, studying Lisa’s scrunched up expression. Everything smelled like mold, trash and cigarettes. The place was empty but there were stains and mildew everywhere. The entire house was not even as big as one floor in Lisa’s house. She didn’t want to walk in here, much less sleep. But she was so exhausted she could barely keep her eyes from shutting.

As they entered a small bedroom with two soiled mattresses, Wave motioned with his hands. “Mormon Oppression at its best.”

“America Oppression,” Little Comet corrected, coming into the room behind them. “Hey, there are good people in the Church, you can’t dispute that. And it’s not like the rest of the world’s much better.”

“Not from what I’ve heard. In some places the youth have an overnight shelter or a room key. Here we get treated like trash. As soon as I get dough I’m out of here,” Wave said, eyeing Megan as she pulled out the wad of cash from her pocket. “They treat us like we’re nothing, not worthy to be in their restaurants, clubs or even libraries. We’re dirt under their shoes. What they don’t get is they are no better than how they treat us. Here they treat us like less than ants. At least they leave the ants alone at night so they can sleep.” It sounded like Wave was reciting a poem or rapping a song. He continued, not losing sight of the cash, “They act like we enjoy sleeping on the concrete. That we somehow chose to be this way.”

“What is it about that Church?” Megan asked, handing over a few hundred dollar bills to Wave, who took them eagerly like they were gold. “Do they offer free chocolate bars spiked with drugs that make you delusional?” Megan squirted a small bottle of foot cream onto her blistering feet. Lisa had never noticed before how bad Megan’s feet were, probably because she had never even seen them uncovered before. Was this her future, riches to rags, top of the food chain to the bottom? How selfish was Lisa to not even notice the girl she was dating had to live like this? Correction. How both of them would now have to live like this. “Here. This is the cleanest blanket we have.” Little Comet tossed a quilted bedspread over to Lisa.

“I can’t believe I used to believe that Church.”

Wave snorted a laugh, but then looked at Lisa and abruptly stopped. “Sorry.”

Lisa tightened her ponytail. “One night years ago, I could have sworn I saw a little girl, her face was white as the snow she stood on. She wore all white and looked like angel. I screamed when I saw her because I thought we were going to hit her.”  She paused to close her eyes, picturing the fallen snow and her mom’s angry frown as she told her to be quiet. “My dad slowed the car down right before a blue Buick swerved into our lane. What happened next was such a blur.”

Lisa opened her eyes. Wave and Little Comet were circled around her, leaning over with interest.

“What the shit happened?” Megan asked, leaning on the stained wall.

“We were spinning. This close,” Lisa motioned with her thumb and forefinger, “from falling off the steep mountain cliff.”

“Did you, did you fall?” Little Comet asked.

“No, but we were inches away. Inches from our death,” Lisa said, almost wishing that night had happened differently. If they had fallen, then this horrible day never would have happened.

“She was an angel?” Little Comet’s wide brown eyes sparkled.

“No. Well, I don’t know. But the girl just disappeared. Maybe a lucky trick of my imagination, but I used to think it was God who had saved all of our lives that night. I was younger than you are now.” Lisa winked at Little Comet, who giggled in response. She was at least three years younger than Lisa. She couldn’t figure out what a girl that age was doing on the streets at all. She was Caucasian and had regular features, not like Wave’s beady ones. “It doesn’t matter what it was. I could feel the peace surrounding that girl, and an unbelievably strong light.”

“She was your guardian angel,” Little Comet said.

Lisa wiped a smudge of dirt from the skinny girl’s face.  “Exactly.”

Megan grumbled, “A nice story and all. But I don’t see how it has anything to do with the Mormon Church, a bunch of fools running around with sticks up their asses.”

Lisa spread the quilt on top of the mattress and lay down on it on her back and rested her head. The dirty mattress was rank with BO but she didn’t have a choice. Getting used to living in filth was going to take a lot of time. Time she might not have. Her stomach growled and she was about to throw up from lack of water and food, but most of the stores were probably closed and how would she get there anyway? She turned on her side and searched her pink suitcase, but there was no sign of food. There was an old bottle of water she had left in it, but it would have to do. She twisted off the cap and drank greedily. When she noticed Little Comet looking at her with her dry lips, she handed the rest over to her. Little Comet gurgled it down in seconds.

“It’s all I knew,” Lisa said, frowning. “The only explanation I had for Heaven and spiritual existence. It never occurred to me that any other church could be true. It was either the Mormon Church was true or there was no such thing as an afterlife.”

“Bullshit. You were brainwashed.” Megan plopped down beside her, practically on top of her on the twin mattress.

“I happen to believe in heaven,” Little Comet chimed in, with a wide smile.

Every time Lisa looked at Little Comet the ice around her heart started to chip off a little more. Why did such an innocent kid, barely in her teens, have to deal with the worst life has to offer? It was just wrong. All of it was wrong, including the Mormon Church. If Mormon heaven was all there was in the afterlife, she’d rather be in hell with these people, who at least had a heart.

Chapter Twenty

Rain

Hailey closed the school’s double doors. Thank goodness, swim practice was canceled for the day, something about the coach needing a day off. Whatever. He probably just wanted to go home and get stoned. Rumor had it he spent most of his weekends getting high with other druggies.

Either way, she was glad. She needed to go home and clear her head. She planned to drop by the Whites’ place to find Lisa. Lisa wasn’t in any of the classes they shared. And she never ran into Trent, even during lunch, but he could be practicing for his concert this weekend. She pushed her lavender hat on tighter as sprinkles of rain came down.

The refreshing scent of rain soothed her as she pictured Heavenly Father weeping for his children and begging them to come home to him. Rain made her want to curl up in bed, dive into a half pint of ice cream, and watch a romantic comedy. Lisa would normally come over and join her, but that wouldn’t be happening. If ever. They might be doomed to extinction as best friends.

Hailey’s chest hurt. She wasn’t sure whether it was from heartache or because Megan stood on the edge of the sidewalk, facing the main road of town, about as far away from the school as one could get, probably because she had a cigarette hanging out of her thick lips.

Passing her own BMW, Hailey approached Megan. She might be the only one who knew where Lisa was. “You’re going to get into trouble.”

“So.” Megan took in a puff. “Have you seen Lisa?”

Hailey stared off into the distance. If Megan didn’t know where she was, then who did? Lisa could be lying somewhere in the emergency room. But if that was the case, why didn’t Trent say anything at Church. He’d acted so strangely.

“I asked you a question, blondie,” Megan said. She was not even wearing a jacket and seemed to not realize her cigarette was about to go out in the rain.

Could this girl be more arrogant? Hailey started walking away. She wasn’t in the mood for mean people. She just wanted to crawl under the covers and warm up some nacho cheese sauce and pour it over a tub of tortilla chips.

Megan grabbed her arm, digging in with her long fingernails. “Do you know where Lisa is?”

 “No. Her phone’s off.”

Oops. She didn’t want Megan knowing she had tried Lisa’s cell repeatedly, but there was always an out-of-service response.

“I already know where she is. The question was, do you know?”

“No. Where is she?”

“She’s not doing too well,” Megan said, glancing away as if it hurt her to say the words. Wow, does Megan actually have feelings? She always seemed like she was laughing at the rest of them, like they were all morons just because they grew up in Utah.

“You care about her?” Hailey meant it as a statement, but it came out more like a question.

“Not like you, but yes.” Megan stepped on her tiny cigar with her boot, as if the rain wouldn’t put the fire out. She stretched her hands high above her head, revealing part of her stomach. A flash memory of her naked wet flesh in the shower ran through Hailey’s mind. She turned away as shame fled through her. “Don’t sweat it. She feels the same way. You’ll die happily in each other’s arms someday.”

Hailey frowned. What was with everyone thinking she was cursed with same-sex attraction? “What? Huh? I don’t swing that way.” Was Megan’s belly button ring seeping up to her brain cells? Even though Lisa liked girls, she certainly had no romantic interest in Hailey.

Megan dug into her red pack for another Prime Time, but as she attempted to light it, it wouldn’t take the flame. Wonder why?

Hailey wanted to shake some sense into the heavily eye-lined girl. This conversation seemed surreal and she really just wanted to know where Lisa was. “Where is she?” Hailey asked, tapping her tennis shoe on the sidewalk.

Megan ignored her question. “Don’t lie to yourself, kid. You two were meant for each other. I’m just along for the scenery.”

Gosh, who was a kid? They were the same age.

“It’s the diseased dyke that infected Lisa with AIDS.” Hailey didn’t have to turn around to recognize Becky’s voice. “Hopefully she’ll kill herself or go underground into an isolation chamber and do the world a favor. Then hell will have to put up with them.”

“That’s such an un-Christian thing to say.” Hailey whirled around. Becky and two of her freshman minions stood on each side of her, not seeming to mind as cars honked at them because they stood on part of the road.

“Thank Gosh she’s gone,” Becky said, ignoring her comment.

“You made her leave.” How would she find Lisa now? The way Megan made it sound, she probably wasn’t even home.

“E-eew, you say that like it’s a bad thing.” Becky scrunched up her freckled nose. “Does this mean you’re with the satanic sluts now?”

Hailey had never liked Becky, who had only started being nice to her when Lisa had threatened her popularity status. Lisa ruled the sophomore class. Well, she used to, forever ago. “I’m with me.”

“Well, in the last days there will only be two sides and you have to pick which side you’re on.” Becky pointed down to the road and then up to the sky as she said, “Christ or the devil? Us or the dykes?”

“If those are my only two options, then I choose the dykes.”

Becky’s jaw dropped, revealing her buck teeth. “Your social standing from here on will be forever ruined by everyone.”

“I’m scared.”

Hailey walked away. She was so sick of everyone telling her what to do and how to treat someone she cared about more than life itself. She wanted to serve God and go to heaven, but something didn’t feel right about the way Becky and her gang were acting. One of Hailey’s favorite stories in the Bible was the story of Jesus who was treated horribly and crucified because he wasn’t part of the typical religion at the time. He welcomed the other outcasts and fed and embraced the poor. That was what mattered. Why couldn’t Becky and her minions see that? The first and most important commandment was to love others.

Hailey drove home in a daze. If Lisa didn’t get her butt back to school and soon she was going to fail biology. Not that school was ever high on her to-do list, but she still always made it on test day and scored the highest in the class, making everyone else mad because they actually attended class.

Hailey didn’t bother pulling her car into the garage. Turning off the engine, she left her schoolbag in the car and went straight to Lisa’s mother, who was reading a paperback on the porch swing.

“Hi, is uh Trent inside?” She really wanted to know if Lisa was there, but was afraid to ask.

“Go on in,” Lisa’s mom said without bothering to set down her romance novel.

Their home had a hollow, museum feel to it. Everything cost a lot and touching any of it wasn’t allowed. The chandelier that hung in the front room was worth a fortune. She went up the stairs and past Lisa’s room, but the door was closed and no light or noise came from it. Even when Lisa took a nap, she’d have her music on.

There was no answer to her knock on Trent’s bedroom door but a loud Tim McGraw song was playing. Hailey pushed the door open and entered.

“W—ww-hat’s going on?” Oh, no. Not her terrible stutter from elementary school.

“We’re just working on a song. What you doing? Breaking and entering?” Katrina asked in her sarcastic voice, the one she usually reserved for when there weren’t any boys around. She and Trent sat on the bed, microphones in hand. They were hooked up to Trent’s karaoke machine.

“She’s my girlfriend. She doesn’t need to knock,” Trent said, hopping up from the bed.

“Where’s Lisa?”

“She got kicked out,” Trent said bluntly, blowing a strand of his brown hair out of his face.

“And you were going to tell me this, when?”

Hailey realized at that moment she had never loved Trent. Most of what they had ever talked about had little substance or was Church doctrine. It was Lisa who knew all her secrets and vice versa.

“I’ll give you two a minute.” Katrina set down her microphone and got up from the bed. She passed by Hailey, wearing a smile. Was this girl ever not happy? “Or two.”

Trent finally turned down the song and moved his chair to face the bed. He then patted the bed sheet in the exact spot where Katrina had sat moments before.

Hailey refused to sit down. “You should have told me. I’m supposed to be your girlfriend.”

“I thought she would have told you,” Trent said. “She’s okay though.”

“I need to see her.”

“I can take you to where I think she is,” Trent offered.

“Please do.”

Katrina left without a fight. Her grin only got bigger as she hugged Trent goodbye and drove off in her cheap Chevy.  For someone who was relatively poor, she seemed happier than everyone else Hailey knew.

Hailey was about to offer to drive her car, but changed her mind. It wouldn’t be right showing up in her pricey car because wherever Lisa was couldn’t be pleasant.

In the Jeep, Trent said, out of the blue, “I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

Hailey jerked her head toward him. “What? Where did this come from all of a sudden?”

“Oh, come on. This has been happening forever,” Trent said, tapping his hand on the gearshift.

“Why? You want to be with Katrina?” Hailey snapped. No wonder Katrina was so smug earlier. He must have told her he’d chosen her.

Trent swallowed hard. “I’m just friends with her. I always have been. Always will.”

“Why not more?”

“Because I don’t have those kinds of feelings for her. It was you I liked,” Trent said.

Hailey noticed the past tense of the word. When did he stop liking her that way? Did it really matter? She had stopped liking him probably even before he did her. “It’s just that a lot’s been going on with my sister and family, and I just can’t deal with a girlfriend too,” he went on to explain.

“I get it,” Hailey said, staring out the window. She didn’t understand why she wasn’t crying. Her whole body was numb, and all she wanted was to find out if Lisa was okay. So Trent had to be right. She just hadn’t felt that way about him for a long time.

***

Trent parked at a rundown tiny house near the cemetery. Boards covered the windows and a broken lock covered the front door. There was no way Lisa was living here. But there she was, outside with Megan, both of them smoking tiny cigars. A young girl and an African American boy were sitting on a filthy couch near them. The rain had stopped, but the ground was wet and the grass was in bad shape, so mostly dirt remained. Hailey braved the mud to approach Lisa.

“What are you doing here?” Lisa threw her cigar down and stepped on it. Was she turning into Megan’s clone?

“She loves you,” Megan joked.

“I need to talk to you. Privately,” Hailey said, not caring if she appeared lesbian or not as she ran into Lisa’s arms, squeezing her tight.

Lisa didn’t even bring her arms around her at first, but eventually did. “Aren’t you worried you’re going to catch it?”

“No.” Hailey kept hugging her, to show her she didn’t think that. Lisa was the one to release the embrace first and stepped over to the side of the house, tapping her foot impatiently.

“What are you doing here? If I wanted a lecture I’d break into my own house.”

Hailey noticed the lines under Lisa’s eyes. She grabbed Lisa’s arm, needing to touch her. To tell her everything was going to be okay and that she had missed her more than life itself. But she didn’t have the guts. “I didn’t come here to give a lecture.”

Lisa shook her arm, released it from Hailey’s grasp. “Go back. Go back to your castle on White Hills, live in your bubble of pure black-and-white dynamics. All blacks are evil. All women are baby-makers, all gays are pedophiles. ’Cause I don’t want to hear it any more. I’ve lived with it until it swallowed me whole.”

“But, I-I-I love you. You’re my best friend, my sister even,” Hailey stuttered.

“No, you don’t. You love the person you thought I was. The person I will never be.” Lisa turned away. Her normally beautiful hair was lifeless and the dimples in her face were masked by an unusual frown.

“Stay in the guesthouse.”

“I don’t need a caretaker. As you can see I’m doing just fine without you, without anyone.”

“You’ve always taken care of me,” Hailey pleaded. “You’re my hero. Let me just this once take care of you.”

Lisa lit another cigarette. When did she start smoking? She’d always hated smokers. She used to say people were demented to be purposefully breathing in toxins that slowly poisoned your cells until you couldn’t even breathe without an oxygen tank.

“I don’t need you to take care of me. I have family now. Real family,” she finally said.

“I’m your family, too. I love you, whether you think I do or not. I will always love you.”

“No one out there cares about me. They want me to change. You want me to change. I’ve tried for years. Most of the world now agrees with me, that it’s impossible to change,” Lisa stepped on her half-smoked cigar. “We just live in a dinosaur town.”

A bolt of guilt charged through Hailey’s heart. Lisa had suffered for this long, torn up inside, and Hailey didn’t even know it. And the way she reacted...she was so stupid. “I don’t want you to change anything about you,” she said, meaning every word.

Lisa started crying. “You don’t know how long I’ve waited for you to say that.”

Hailey wrapped her arms around Lisa’s shoulders, letting her own tears flow freely. “I’m so sorry.”

“I know.”

“Never again, will I betray you,” Hailey said, thinking of Christ’s most valuable words, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto the least of these my brethren (or sisters), ye have done it unto me.

Chapter Twenty-One

Surprise Jealousy

It was Friday night, and Megan and Lisa sat on the edge of a row crowded with straight girls, who actually spent their time watching the game for the way the boys’ butts looked in their tight baseball pants. They gossiped as if half the onlookers cared which boy was the cutest. They apparently weren’t homophobes; they didn’t seem to care that Lisa and Megan held hands. Megan held a hot dog in her other hand.

It was a relief school was over for the week. Lisa couldn’t count on five hands how many rude comments she had received, mostly from Scott and his football buddies, who were at some loud party and not at the game tonight. Thank God.

Another home run was hit, making the crowd go wild, jumping up and down and screaming their lungs out. This year the team was on the road to a championship. Where was her brother? For a change he wasn’t on the team bench in his white pants and jersey shirt. Maybe he finally got kicked out for sucking at the game. Trent played only because Dad forced him to and was friends with the coach. Trent had agreed to do it as long as it didn’t interfere with the Madrigals. She scanned the bleachers and finally spotted him, sitting next to Katrina.

“What’s Kitty-Prissy doing with rebel boy and what’s your gay brother doing with Happy Go-lucky?”

What were Chase and Hailey doing together, and snuggled up besides? It was as if hell had frozen over and the most opposite couples possible were together. Lisa and Hailey had stayed up chatting for hours on end in the guesthouse, since Kelsey covered for them. But Hailey’s dad had found out yesterday, seen her in there, yet didn’t say anything. And so far he’d kept it a secret from his wife.

“Could Trent be more obvious about staring at boys’ asses? I mean the girls next to us are more secretive about it,” Megan said, causing the girl next to her to giggle.

How come Hailey had never told her that she and Trent had broken up? She used to tell her everything. And how had it escaped her attention that Hailey was now dating Chase? Didn’t she think she’d want to know those kinds of important details?

What’s wrong with me, Lisa wondered. Why did she even care that Chase was cuddled up next to Hailey in the front row of the bleachers? So their arms were touching. Big whoop. She herself was practically on Megan’s lap. Not that Hailey seemed to care the slightest bit.

Hailey turned around and waved. Lisa returned the gesture half-heartedly. If only last night would come back, when it seemed like they were the only two people in the universe who mattered.

Here was this sexy goddess right next to her who probably even on her worst day was more attractive than Hailey. Not that Hailey wasn’t attractive in a girl-next-door way. She was super cute. Her shyness was part of what Lisa liked so much about her. The way her face lit up and her voice rose when she got excited about something. It was even cute when she used to stutter. Not that Lisa liked her romantically. What the hell was she thinking about?

“God, where the hell are you tonight?”

“What?” Lisa snapped back to the present.

“Come on.” Megan stood up, gesturing Lisa to follow her.

They ended up under the bleachers. The smell of popcorn and hot dogs filled the air as well as the sweet smell of raspberry-vanilla coming from Megan.

As soon as she sat on the grass, her phone rang. She picked it up on the first ring. It was Hailey. “Thanks for this week, Hails,” she said into the phone.

“Are you coming again tonight?”

“Are you serious? That’s too generous.” Not only was Hailey letting her crash, but was giving her food, water and money if and when she needed it. Lisa intended to get a job soon, so she could pay her back every last cent. She wanted to ask about Chase, but she didn’t know how to approach it. Hey, what are you doing sitting with rebel boy?

“Of course, you’re welcome anytime.”

“But, you know you could get into trouble and we could both be homeless.”

“I can handle it.”

“Okay sweetie, about tenish?” Lisa asked, feeling relieved she wouldn’t have to stay in the rat-infested wormhole for at least one other night.

Megan took a bite of her hot dog. Fuck, I should ask if Megan can stay. It’d probably be too much, but it just wasn’t fair that she had to stay at that rotten hut of a house. “I can ask if you could stay tonight.”

Megan shrugged. “Don’t bother. I’ll live.”

“You sure?”

“I’ve taken care of myself for almost sixteen years now. I think I can do it for one more night.”

Why was Megan so snappy tonight? What was wrong with her? “So did you sleep okay last night?” Lisa asked.

“I snuck into the trailer after my dad was intoxicated to a level of passed out and slept on my bed for a change.” Megan took a bite of her hot dog, filled with so many condiments it overflowed. She got a smear of mustard on her face.

“You got something there.” Lisa leaned in close to wipe the spot off her face. Megan’s moist lips looked dreamy and appetizing so she leaned in for a kiss.

“I’m not going to keep kissing you when I know it’s not me you’re thinking about.”

“What?” What the hell was Megan talking about? “You’re the hottest girl I know.”

“I’m that.” Megan backed away, a slight grin on her face. But, just as quickly darkness settled over her face. “But I’m not the one you want.”

“There’s no one else.”

“Yes, there is. She’s blond, shy, annoyingly good and so far out of my league that it’s a miracle you’d rather be with her.” Megan threw her carton across the grass, the pickle landing halfway. “But, there’s just something about the whiny creature you just adore.”

Was she joking? No, Megan’s serious expression wasn’t changing. “She’s straight. Or haven’t you noticed.”

“No, she’s not. No one straight looks at a girl in the shower the way she looked at me.” Megan stared off into the distance, as if thinking hard. “The way you two look at each other like no one else in the world matters, the way you sparkled and grinned like you were having an orgasm just a minute ago. I’d kill to have you get that excited over me.”

“She’s straight,” Lisa repeated, still not understanding what Megan was talking about. Hailey didn’t have a crush on her! She was dating her brother. Correction. She had dated her brother. “She’s my brother’s ex.”

“She’d do anything to be near you. A brainwashed Mormon or not, she’s the very definition of lesbian.”

“She’s not a lesbian.”

“I’m out of here.”

Lisa grabbed her arm. “I want you.”

“No matter how many times you say it, it’s not going to make it true.” Megan shook her arm away from Lisa’s but then cupped her hands around Lisa’s face.

“It’s not true,” Lisa said, but her voice came up weak. She didn’t sound convincing even to herself. She grabbed her close and leaned into her lips fiercely. The kiss lasted forever and was so warm and delicious.

“Whatever,” Megan said afterward. “I’m just along for the scenery.”

“No, I only want you,” Lisa repeated, hoping if she kept saying it, it would make it true.

Megan ignored her. “Let’s go back to the balls and bats. Maybe they’ll make us straight.” She stood up, her height breathtaking as always. It was amazing how high the bleachers looked from here.

Wishing she had that model height, Lisa stood on her toes, but there was no way she could make five feet seven even with high pumps on her feet. She still only reached Megan’s breasts, not that that was a bad place to be.

“What you smiling about?” Megan took Lisa’s hand.

“You.” Lisa gave Megan another kiss on the lips before they walked through the maze of bleachers with sticky sneakers being tossed at them from above.

Chapter Twenty-Two

Real

“Thank Goddess,” Lisa said, snuggling under the covers of the largest bedroom in the guesthouse behind Hailey’s house.  The heat was turned off because no one actually lived in the house.

Hailey had never heard Lisa say Goddess before. Now she was talking like Megan. Lisa spent so much time with Megan that she was more than just a girlfriend, she was now her best friend.  She’d stolen her place. Playing with the half-heart necklace on her neck, she checked to see if Lisa still had hers on. “You’re wearing it.”

“I’ve never taken it off.”

“Just thought…” Hailey tried to fight the jealousy, but it wasn’t working. “You’ve been spending so much time with you know who.”

“You thought wrong. She’d never replace you. No one could.”  Lisa brushed her hand against Hailey’s face. “Hey, are you like, dating Chase now?”

“No way.” Hailey shook her head furiously. “My sister has a thing for him. That’s why he was with us at the game today.”

“Oh.” Lisa hadn’t even noticed Kelsey with the two of them, but she and Megan had been at the game for less than an hour and for only half of that time had she been in the bleachers.

“You actually thought the two of us—”

“Well it’s more realistic than Chase and Kelsey. When did that happen?”

“Apparently, love’s an emotion that’s close to hate,” Hailey said, not wanting to explain what had started the whole thing. This past week when Scott was making fun of Lisa, Kelsey had defended her, so Scott went off on her. But Chase backed her up and told Scott to fuck off. Kelsey and Chase had started talking after that and actually hadn’t spent one second apart. If Lisa bothered to go to school more often, she would have noticed.

“I don’t think I’ll ever date again.”

“Yeah, thanks a lot for letting me know you broke up with my brother.”

“It was the other way around.”

“Really?” Lisa raised her eyebrows in curiosity. “You’d think the gay ones were safe from heart-breaking.”

Hailey looked up. “Huh?” What was she talking about?

“My brother.”

“Trent’s not g-a-a-y,” Hailey slowed down the last word, remembering how he’d never tried to do more than briefly kiss her on the mouth during the whole six months they had dated. “He said he was waiting.”

“His pledge to the Savior. What hormone-infested seventeen-year-old waits until marriage to tongue kiss for the first time because he wants to save himself?”

Hailey clapped her hands to her mouth. How could she have been so blind? She had always liked that Trent seemed to have high morals and standards and never gave in to temptation. It never occurred to her that he could be interested in boys, even though Kelsey liked to point that out. But Kelsey was always talking crap on everyone, so she’d never paid much attention to her.

Hailey laughed at the crooked smile on Lisa’s face and the flash of energy in her eyes. Lisa made her feel both excited and like she was going to puke. Lisa had leaned over to gracefully take her boots off by the front door and then had sat on her bed, looking like a model.  Hailey could stare at her all day, imagining carving the dimples with her finger. A curl of her hair landed in her face. The sweet smell of strawberries intoxicated her making her feel like she was still dreaming.

“Hey, if I didn’t know you any better, I’d think I made you nervous,” Lisa said, studying her as they lay down cuddled up with each other.

Hailey chuckled, spitting out part of one of her fingernails. “You seem in good spirits lately.”

“What choice do I have? A bad mood isn’t going to change my circumstances that my family disowned me.”

Had to hand it to her. Lisa was an exceptional actress. If Hailey didn’t know her so well, she’d believe her.

If only Lisa would stop touching her. Part of her was afraid of Lisa and wanted to tell her to get lost. But why? And to where?  That rickety old house was going to be raided by the police any day.

Light spread throughout Hailey’s body as Lisa suddenly dropped off to sleep and started snoring. The peace at Church didn’t compare to the joy that started to fill her. She was such a tangle of emotions that her head started pounding. How could Lisa be evil, how could holding her close be wrong, when everything felt so right?

Hailey wrapped herself closer into Lisa’s chest. Absolute peace drove into her soul. An angel of light wouldn’t make her feel more content. Lust was the farthest thing from her mind as love surrounded her.

 Holding Lisa was a hundred times better than it ever was with Trent. When he wrapped his arms around her, it was as if she were playing a character in a movie. Like any other girl should be in his arms, not her. But with Lisa tonight, everything was so beautiful. She didn’t want the night to ever end.

Chapter Twenty-Three

Black Roses

Lisa woke up with a start, thinking a rat had scurried up to her nose. But then she remembered she was in Hailey’s guesthouse, safe, with her arms still around Hailey. She started snuggling closer to her and kissed her forehead. Wait. What was she doing?

Forgetting she was the best friend who made her laugh and listened to her, not someone she should be kissing. Hell, she wasn’t even gay.

Hailey opened her blue eyes, staring at her curiously. “Did you just kiss me?”

“No, of course not, it was just a dream,” Lisa said, hoping she’d be groggy enough to buy it.

“What is the meaning of this?”

Lisa turned to where Mrs. Mancini and Kelsey stood at the door. Kelsey mouthed the words, “I tried to stop her.”

Shit. Busted big time!

“You knew about this.” Her mom flipped her head to her older daughter, as if she were to blame.

“Yes, but so did Dad.” Kelsey wore pajama bottoms and a long-sleeved nightshirt. “It’s not my fault you’re clueless enough not to know Lisa has been living here for a week.”

Thanks a lot, Kelsey. Make it worse, why don’t you?

“You’re the older sister.” Mom’s clothes mirrored Kelsey’s in the opposite way; she had on dress pants a fancy lace shirt. “You should know better than to allow this.”

“Did you not hear me? Everything isn’t my fault. Dad was even okay with this, go ask him.”

Hailey threw the covers off her and jumped off the bed, screaming, “Stop it! Both of you. I’m so sick of both of your damn fighting.”

Everyone in the room stared at Hailey in shock. Lisa had never heard her friend swear in her entire life. This was certainly a first.

“Blame me. I invited her.”

“Is this because her parents kicked her out last week?”

“You knew about this. Why didn’t you ever tell me?” Hailey stared at her mom like she had murdered someone.

This isn’t right, Lisa thought. She was tearing apart the entire Mancini family. They used to be such a close family. She always used to be so jealous of how much time they spent together playing board games and swimming. This wasn’t fair. This was all her fault. She had to get out of here before she ruined their family like she had her own.

“I’m going to get Dad and we’ll figure this problem out.” Hailey’s mom looked down at her like she was a bee in her path as she took off away from the guesthouse, with Kelsey behind her, but not before Kelsey mouthed “Sorry” to Lisa.

“I’m going to go before she can get back,” Lisa said, only bothering to collect a wad of cash by the front door, a hat and a water bottle for the road.

“Please, don’t go. She might let you stay,” Hailey pleaded, taking hold of her arm so she wouldn’t leave.

“I have to.”

“No you don’t,” Hailey said. “I need you in my life.”

“I just don’t get this, any of this. My parents, the Church, now your parents. What’s so wrong about this?” Lisa pointed back and forth between them, waving her hands through Hailey’s thin hair and touching Hailey’s chapped lips with her own cherry-flavored ones.

Hailey pulled away from her as if she had drawn blood. “It just is. I think.”

“Why? Why does it have to be?”

“I don’t know.”

Her mom caught up to them, but there was no sign of her husband. Lisa had always liked Kurt, but she figured he would react like all the other adults on this street and hate her for being a lesbian.

The sneer on Hailey’s mom’s face caused Lisa to take off as fast as she could. Running from White Hills, past her castle-like house, past the private driveway, past everyone she had ever loved.

***

By the time Lisa arrived at the broken down house, her feet were blistered from walking so much, but she could barely feel them. She was so numb from the top of her head to the bottom of her feet she barely noticed that her hair was soaking wet or that she shook from the cold.

Giggles coming from the cemetery pulled her there.

“What the hell?” Lisa came upon Megan wrapped in another girl’s arms, a girl who looked more like a boy. They barely pulled away from each other’s lips as she approached them.

“Lisa, this is Katie. I met her at the carnival,” Megan said, like it was no big deal.

That had been their first date. Was she serious? Giving her such a hard time about Hailey and here she was screwing around on her, probably the entire time.

“We never said we were exclusive,” Megan pointed out.

Lisa turned around, running as fast as she could. Everyone could go screw themselves, especially Megan and her parents. Megan had been the one person who seemed to love her for who she truly was. What a bald-faced lie!

Somewhere along the road exhaustion overcame Lisa and she fell down on the ground, sobbing uncontrollably. She barely heard a motorcycle pulling up next to her, barely felt someone helping her up.

She was barely aware of Olivia greeting her and Chase at the door, this time not smiling. “Oh my God. You’re going to get hypothermia. We need to get you out of those clothes and into the tub, pronto.”

Her gentle hands led her into the bathroom and out of her wet clothes; then Olivia politely closed the door behind her.

Lisa was so sick of all of this life stuff. Reality hurt worse than she could ever explain in words. Her family didn’t love or want her. Her friends had rejected her and even Megan didn’t want her anymore.

 I’m a castoff. A reject. No one will ever love me. My parents won’t ever accept me and I can never change so they will never like me for who I am. Ever.

She didn’t want to live anymore. She couldn’t live anymore. It hurt everywhere. Breathing was difficult and every second brought pain. Life would never ever get better.

She found a razor in Olivia’s cabinet. She listened carefully for any outside noises, but could only hear a few raindrops on the bathroom’s skylight. She wouldn’t have much time. But if she acted fast, she wouldn’t need much time before peace entered her and she wouldn’t have to live anymore. She imagined the peace of everlasting death as she sank the razor in as deep as it would go.

The room started spinning as blood spurted into the water. But she didn’t want it to stop. It was such a relief to match how she was on the inside to how she was on the outside; cut and broken and bleeding.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Promises

Wishing to turn into a vampire and be forced to leave Smithville forever, Hailey had put one foot on the stairs when the smell of fresh bread permeated her senses and dragged her to the kitchen. Dang, if only all she ingested could be blood. After her mom’s rudeness in kicking out Lisa, she had not wanted to be near her. She’d tossed and turned all night long, worrying if Lisa was lying dead somewhere in the middle of the road. She intended to drive to the abandoned house as quickly as she could.

The kiss last night was heavenly. Even though it had caught her off guard and was so short, she couldn’t stop dreaming about how wonderful it was. How much she wished it had lasted longer.  She used to think lesbians were evil and wrong, but she wasn’t so sure anymore. Being with Trent was what seemed wrong. She couldn’t imagine spending the rest of her life with a boy, it’d be miserable. No matter who it was. She wanted Lisa. Only her! She wanted her so much she could scream.

What Lisa’s parents had done by kicking her out was as wrong as wrong could be. If a church encouraged this, then she wasn’t so sure it was the true church anymore. It had finally dawned on her this morning, after dreaming all night about Lisa’s lips and body, just how much she loved her. What was so wrong about any love, if it made this rotten world better?

Her parents sat around the table, drinking their usual cup of hot chocolate. They ingested the stuff like coffee addicts. They even had a steaming hot cocoa pot, courtesy of her mom’s addiction to shopping.

Her dad looked up from his pile of science books. “Come in, stay a while.”

Faking a smile for her dad’s benefit, Hailey nodded. She walked over to the hot cocoa pot and grabbed a cup. She poured it in and then checked the bread timer. Only ten minutes left. She might be able to last that long, if her mom didn’t talk. Not that she ever stayed silent for long. Hailey sat down on the edge of a chair, her legs sore from swimming for hours. It usually helped to lower her stress, but it hadn’t worked last night. Hailey wanted to strangle her mom, but that’d be wrong. Dead wrong!

Mom looked up from her church magazine. “Why are you not dressed for Church?”

“What?” After everything, Hailey had forgotten it was even Sunday. “I’ll be ready, as always.”

Mom raised her perfectly shaped eyebrows. “That’s not sarcasm is it?”

“No Mother, that’s something entirely different.”

“Is this about Lisa again? That girl is turning out to be a worse troublemaker than Kelsey.”

A tiny dinging noise rang out from the breadmaker. Dad dropped his book and went to the breadmaker. He pulled the bread out and started cutting it with a knife. He tasted a bite.  “Yum, perfect, it doesn’t get better than this.”

Avoiding her mom, Hailey tried to snatch her own bite, but her dad shook his head. “Let me do it.” He cut her a big piece and placed it on a plate. Then he pushed the butter over to her.

“I’m tired, Mom,” Hailey finally said, buttering her warm bread as it melted instantly.

“We’re going.”

“Okay.” Hailey wanted to argue but thought better about it.  She didn’t want to end up on the streets like Lisa.

“Trent will be there.”

Hailey rolled her eyes.

Dad laid a large plate of buttered bread and a jar of honey on the counter. Mom reached for a slice and poured honey on her spoon and then let it drip on the bread.

Why couldn’t she just pour it on like most humans not obsessed with germs?

“Well, you need to be there. The choir is singing or have you forgotten?”

“I said okay.” Why her mom thought she could carry a tune was beyond Hailey. Neither of them sang in tune. They both sounded like ducks with sore throats.

Mom sighed, setting down her bread. “This attitude of yours, young lady, needs to go. Is this Kelsey’s influence or Lisa’s?”

“I do have a brain of my own,” Hailey snapped. She was tired of editing everything she said for her mother’s benefit. “And I don’t like that you kicked her out.”

Mom tossed her magazine down. “Oh, come on. She’s no longer welcome in this house. She needs to stay on the streets where she belongs. And don’t you go after her, ’cause if you do, don’t bother coming back.”

Hailey clenched her teeth and looked over at her dad, who remained silent. She glanced back at her mom. “What’s so wrong about love?”

“Oh, don’t give me that gay rights malarkey. They’re the ones invading our religious freedom and vandalizing our churches. We’re just like the blacks in the civil rights fight. We’re the victims.” Mom went over to the homemade bread machine and checked the light.

“The Mormon Church moved back the African American fight for like thirty years!” Hailey slammed her cup down on the wood table without bothering to use the coaster.

Mom shrugged. “The blacks were cursed with Cain. Besides, no one knows God’s infinite wisdom.” She pointed to the framed Proclamation to the World from the Prophet, who supposedly spoke directly to God. “Marriage between a man and woman is essential to His eternal plan.”

Hailey’s whole body shook with rage. She tried to hold her tongue, but it was like a force inside her drove her, “Well, at least Lisa only wants one wife someday.” She rested her arms on her hips. “What if I’m just like her?”

Mrs. Mancini raised her hand. “Don’t be absurd. I’d know if I had a pedophile for a daughter.”

“Lisa’s in the hospital!” Kelsey shouted as she came down the stairs.

“What?” Hailey got up, knocking over her cocoa cup, spilling it all over the floor. “Is she okay?” If anything had happened to Lisa, she’d die.

“Kelsey, go away,” Mom said, grabbing a rag and starting to clean up the mess on the floor.

“Don’t tell our daughter that.” Dad stood up.

“She tried to kill herself.” Kelsey entered the kitchen, deliberately scratching her boots on the hardwood floor, undoubtedly to irritate Mom. “Thank God, she’s okay. They’re keeping her for a few days. Sending her to the psych ward, but she can still have visitors since she’s in the ER. Fuck, this never should have happened,” she finished, staring at Mom.

Mom flapped her arms around, signaling Kelsey to take her boots off. “You know you don’t say that word in this house.”

Kelsey kicked them off and Mom gathered the boots in her arms and then pleaded to her husband, “You going to do something or am I doing this all alone, like always?”

Her father finally chimed in, “Kelsey, you know you’re mother doesn’t like the word ‘fuck’.”

Kelsey and Hailey turned to their dad, their mouths agape.  Then Hailey focused on Mom, who looked as if Dad had slapped her.

“Let it go, Bonnie. Didn’t you hear what your daughter just said? Have some compassion. You’re so concerned about all these religious objects and memorized doctrine; you forget what’s most important. That both your daughters need you right now to be their mother,” Dad told her.

“I’m going to Church.” Mom grabbed her keys and Armani purse and then slammed out the front door.

“Thank God. Hopefully she’ll never come back,” Kelsey said, taking a big slice of bread and throwing a chunk of it into her mouth.

Hailey’s dad opened his mouth to respond, but ended up saying nothing. For the first time that morning, Hailey noticed how tired he seemed; the bags under his eyes gave him away. She wanted to reach out and hug him, hoping he’d stroke her hair, comforting her the way he used to do when she was younger. But, even if he had, Hailey knew it wouldn’t change anything. Her mom was never going to accept Lisa and therefore would never accept her.

Dad collected his keys from the basket on the side table. “Get ready. I’ll drive you two to the hospital.”

Hailey released a breath she didn’t know she was holding. She ran to her room and got dressed, not even paying attention to anything she put on. Ten minutes later, they were in the car.  Most of that time spent waiting for Kelsey.

Hailey looked back and forth between her dad and sister arguing in the front seat over whether Kennedys were part of the Mafia or not. She wanted to hug both of them hard and tell them how much she loved them for being there when she needed them the most. She was lucky. If Lisa had family like that maybe she wouldn’t be where she was right this minute.

***

Smithville Emergency Room was fairly empty and hollow with silence. They were sent back to the ward right away. Trent was the first one to greet them. Hailey jumped into his arms, letting tears escape her as she hugged him tight. “Where is she?”

“This way,” Trent said, leading the three of them into a small hospital room.

Lisa rested on the bed, with an IV hanging out of her arm and a white blanket over her. Her chest revealed a blue and white hospital gown. Hailey gave her a hug, but only after Kelsey beat her to it. Dad even took his turn giving her a squeeze. Her white face started to show some color in it. In all the years Hailey had known Lisa, this was one of the few times she had ever seen her without any makeup on.

Dad was the first one to break the eerie silence. “How you hanging on?”

Lisa sat up in the bed, covering the separation in her back of her gown with the blanket, and started fixing her hair with her fingers.

“Want me to call your folks?”

Lisa frowned.

“I already did,” Trent said, taking Lisa’s hand and turning to Dad. “They’re not coming.”

“Well, you’re welcome at our house any time. If Bonnie doesn’t like it, she can be the one to leave.” Dad scratched his light beard.

“Thank you,” Lisa said, forcing a smile.

“Olivia and Chase are coming back,” Trent told them. “They went to the store to get her a few items for her hospital stay.”

Kelsey took Lisa’s hand. Hailey wanted a chance to talk to Lisa alone, but she didn’t know how to say it, without sounding weird.  She took a few steps toward Lisa, wanting to say something, but feeling uncomfortable with so many other people in the room. She wanted to tell her that she loved her. After the death scare, there was no better time than the present to tell her how she felt.

“Can I talk to you?” Hailey whispered.

“Of course. Can you all give us a minute?” Lisa said, releasing her hands from Trent’s and Kelsey’s.

“Sure,” Dad said, leaving the room and Trent soon followed.  Kelsey winked, before closing the door.

Hailey hugged Lisa, like she never had before. She couldn’t believe she had almost lost her to the other side. Not that she was a lot of help when her best friend needed her the most. “Will you ever forgive me?”

“For what, sweetie?” Lisa kissed her neck.

“For not being honest, for letting you do this to yourself.” Hailey focused on the needle hanging out of her arm.

“Oh, honey. This was all me,” Lisa said. “I’m sick. Just like a diabetic or someone with Alzheimer’s—or so the doc told me.”

Hailey released the hug, but stayed close to her beautiful face, studying her. “Wow. You’re already speaking doctor speech.”

“I pick things up fast.”

“I know.” She turned serious. “A lot faster than me.” Hailey touched Lisa’s lips, rubbing her forefinger over them, and then leaned in for a real kiss. Desire and love ran through Hailey, as she wanted to become one with Lisa. The softness and sweetness of her body against hers excited every nerve in her body. A part of her still broke with shame and guilt, but the rest of her knew what she was doing wasn’t wrong.

A door opening broke their embrace. Hailey’s dad stood at the door, “Sorry. I tried to knock,” he said, before leaving.

“I’ll be back,” Hailey said. And took off after him.

But when her dad wouldn’t look her in the eye, Hailey started to bolt away, even though she wasn’t sure where to go. But her dad grabbed her arm and turned her around to face him. “I love you the way you are.”

“I thought you were ashamed of me.”

“Look at me.” Dad’s blue eyes sought hers. “I’d never be ashamed of you…just embarrassed. I should’ve knocked.”

Hailey hugged her dad, relief erasing the fear inside her. Love radiated from her father as he patted her back comforting her. “Nothing is wrong with you, baby, everything will be all right.”

For the first time in months, Hailey knew he was right. There was nothing wrong with her or Lisa. They were the way Heavenly Father created them to be and that made them beautiful and their love even more so.

Chapter Twenty-Five

Real Family

Lisa bumped her pill bottles below her feet as she jerked her head out the car window. “Where are we going?” She wasn’t surprised when Trent started driving to the rough side of town. Maybe Hailey’s dad had changed his mind about letting her stay at their house. Probably her mom’s influence. But they had passed the cemetery about a mile back. “You know the abandoned house was thataway?”

Trent ignored her, turning up a country song on his radio about a man going through hell, but who keeps on singing to keep on going. The words sank into Lisa. She usually hated country, but the music comforted her as she sang along. Trent joined her. They both sang with Rodney Atkins, “If You’re Going Through Hell,” at the top of their lungs.

For the first time since he picked her up at the hospital, she noticed how different her brother seemed. He wasn’t reserved or with the usual frown on his face. He seemed light and happy, like a weight had lifted from his own shoulders. His good mood rubbed off on Lisa as they jumped up and down on the car seat with the music.

She sang, even though her head pounded a little bit from all the meds the doctor had pumped into her the few days she had stayed locked up in the psych ward. The days were a blur of nurses, therapy classes and other teens even more troubled than her. The doctor gave her anti-anxiety pills, antidepressants and other medication to help her sleep at night. She resolved to never spend another day in the hospital for the rest of her life.

He abruptly stopped the car at an apartment complex. Lisa said, “We stopping for a smoke break? ’Cause I quit.”

“Just trust me for a change,” Trent said, opening the door for her and reaching a hand to her.

She picked up her med sack and took his hand, wishing her parents were so supportive. Maybe someday they’d come around. They hadn’t come once to visit her, though. He led her to one of the apartment complexes, but instead of knocking he gave her a key. “Use it.”

Lisa couldn’t believe her ears. “You mean…?”

“I mean.”

She jumped into his arms, hugging him. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me, yet. My name’s the one that’s on the lease. You’re stuck sharing with me.”

Lisa smiled, “I’ll live.”

Inside the furnished apartment a crowd of people greeted them. Chase, Olivia, Little Comet, Wave, Megan, Kelsey, Hailey and her dad greeted them, barely fitting into the small front room.

“I almost forgot, it’s your birthday,” Lisa said, noticing the birthday balloons mixed with the Get Well banner over the front room. “Happy birthday, big brother.”

“Hey, this is not big.” Trent pointed to his skinny frame.

Hailey was the first one to hug her and even kiss her, right on the mouth, in front of everyone. The crowd whistled, Megan the loudest one.

“About damn time,” Megan said. “Hey, I’m sorry about, you know...”

“Cheating. Well, it’s not like I didn’t stray,” Lisa said, sharing a glance with Hailey.

Even her cat sat perched up on the back of the tan couch. When Lisa sat down, Strawberry cuddled up next to her and started purring. Lisa rubbed her fur.

“You’ve always been one of our daughters,” Hailey’s dad said, plopping down on the La-Z-Boy chair in front of her.

Kelsey mouthed the word “Incest.”

Lisa beamed with happiness. For the first time in a long time, she was loved. Loved for who she really was on the inside! She flew into Hailey’s dad’s arms. “Thanks Dad,” she said.

***

When she went into her brand-new bedroom that night, she noticed her familiar luggage from all the previous family summer trips to Paris or the Caribbean. It didn’t matter how much money they had spent on her. When it really counted for her, in her time of need, her parents had turned their backs on her.

She was too tired to unpack her pink luggage tonight, but she dug inside her smaller bag that normally carried her toiletry items, and sure enough her razors were inside. She reached for one, but something held her back. She didn’t deserve this. She wasn’t an evil gross person. She was just human, like everyone else, and that was okay!

A picture of her and Hailey smiled back at her from the dresser. Hailey must have put it up for her. Without even realizing what she was doing, Lisa broke the pink handles of the razors and dropped the pieces on the carpet.

Smiling, she picked up every last piece and tossed them in the garbage can. It didn’t matter if some of her family didn’t love her for who she really was. The rest of her family, Hailey, Kurt and Kelsey, loved her!

Retrieving the blades, she flushed them down the toilet in her personal bathroom.

The door banged open without a knock, as Trent stepped in. “What did you do with my bubble bath?”

Lisa laughed. “I ate it.” He had to be joking since they only had one bathroom and it was right where she found it, on the side of the tub.

Trent sat down on the mattress. There wasn’t a bed yet, but there were clean-smelling sheets, a thick comforter and fluffy pillows on top.

“Well, sometimes life seems like the end, and it actually gets better,” Lisa said, meaning it as she glanced at the picture of Hailey and her. If she had died a week ago, she never would have known what it was like to be in love with someone who loved you back.

“It’s not exactly what we’re used to, but it’s ours. That’s what matters. No one can kick either of us out here.” Trent grinned. “Well, unless we can’t afford to pay the rent, and we’ll have to work together to do that. Dad cut me off, too. Luckily, I got the car in my name before he could take that too.”

Lisa studied the fluorescent shoes her brother had on. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

“I’m offended.” He laid a hand on his new pink shirt. “Can’t a brother just do something nice for his only sister?”

“Come on, spill.”

“Like you don’t know, like everyone doesn’t already know.”

“You’re a fruit,” Lisa squealed, jumping into him, causing him to fall off the mattress. She retrieved his cell phone from his dresser. “Have to text Hailey right this minute.”

“Oh please,” Trent said, a tiny smirk curling his lip. “Stealing my girlfriend wasn’t enough, now you have to steal my phone too?”

Lisa grinned widely, running down the short hallway with his phone, free as a bird, to call Hailey.

Bella Books, Inc.

Women. Books. Even Better Together.

P.O. Box 10543

 Tallahassee, FL 32302

Phone: 800-729-4992

www.bellabooks.com