FINDING MY WAY

BY MAVIS APPLEWATER

*****

Copyright (c) September 2000

DISCLAIMERS: This story is mine and mine alone. Although the two main characters bare a strikingly similar appearance to the characters of a certain television show that we all know and love that happens to belong to Renaissance Pictures and Universal/MCA. Please remember appearances aren’t everything.

SEX/VIOLENCE & ROADTRIPS: Yes. No & Yes. This story is an alternative/uber story. So if you are underage come back later. If this is illegal where you live get out and come back when you have moved to civilization. If this is a subject matter that you find offensive don’t read it. Is everybody happy?

A SPECIAL THANKS: First to the producers of the wonderful web site you found this story on. If not for you so many of us would not have an arena to express our selves. Second to my beta reader and other half of my soul. Third to Half Pint Stewart who keep going on and on about this TV show that I just had to watch. Even though I thought she was insane I caught an episode. (If you had only told me about the subtext I would have watched sooner.) But not only did you get me started watching you turned me onto the wonderful world of fanfic. Also a special thanks to Callie for the wonderful artwork she did .

LOCATION/LOCATION/LOCATION: This story takes place in a fictional town north of Boston. Some places are real (many names have been changed to protect … well me) and some exist only in my warped imagination Now that everyone has been mentioned, thanked and egos properly stroked.

As Always For Heather

*****

FINDING MY WAY

BY MAVIS APPLEWATER

CHAPTER ONE

I had always thought that I knew myself. I laugh at that now. Life is a constant cycle of change. I had at one time mapped out my entire future. Funny that reality took me off course. I veered in a direction that I never allowed myself to see. My story is simple. My life or should I say my living began one summer morning. I was standing at the back of a classroom listening to a woman speak. I was completely unaware that my life was about to change. If you like I can tell you my story. It all began in late August 1999.

*****

I found myself mesmerized as I watched her speak. The classroom was packed, it was amazing, and in the middle of summer it was standing room only. I hid in the back doubting that even if she had seen me she would remember our brief encounter ten years ago. My God the woman was electrifying. She was the kind of teacher I had always dreamed of becoming. How did she do it? Maybe it was the eyes, their crystal blue intensity were captivating. Ten years ago they possessed a coldness that sent shivers through me. Today she held no resemblance to the arrogant lawyer who had dismissed me without a second glance. Her name is Allison Kendell, she is sitting on her desk with her legs crossed clad in blue jeans and a simple white t-shirt. As I stand here in my Jones New York suit, I cannot help thinking that she looks more like a student than the professor.

Allison Kendell the heir apparent of the Kendell fortune. Allison Kendell who walked away from a top Wall Street law firm to become a history professor at this small New England University. Why in the world would anyone walk away from all of that money and prestige? I guess the rich are different. When I accepted the position at Haven University I had no idea that I would be working with her. Upon my arrival this morning I discovered that we would be sharing an office. I could not believe it. I would have to sit side by side with the woman who had prevented me from writing my first book!

Well she did not prevent me from writing the book but the finished product was not what I had wanted it to be, all because of this woman. The book was my doctoral thesis, which was very well received. I had written an in-depth study on the Louisiana Tigers. A very colorful southern confederate unit during the Civil War. There was a myth regarding one of its members, Master Sergeant Stephan James Ballister. There were several rumors regarding his true identity. Some speculated that he may have not been Stephan Ballister the young plantation owner from New Orleans but possibly a young boy who fought in his place. It had also been rumored that his widow had left a diary and that the family still had possession of the diary. So being the ever diligent pig headed person that I am, I tracked down the Ballister ancestors. I found Nicole Kendell, one of Sergeant Ballister’s great grandchildren. I was thrilled when she agreed to meet me for lunch. My luncheon with Nicole could not have gone better. Although she was not personally in possession of the diary she older sister Allison was. Nicole was more than happy to arrange a meeting for me.

At the time I could not believe my good fortune. That should have been my first clue that all was not as it seemed. I knew if I could discover the truth about Master Sergeant Ballister it would be a major coup. I can still remember the train trip from Connecticut to New York City. I was bubbling over with excitement as I boarded the train. But from that moment on nothing went as planned. I had everything planned down to the smallest detail. I even rehearsed what I was going to say. I had booked a modest hotel room that I could not really afford so I could shower and dress appropriately for my meeting with Miss. Kendell.

But instead of finding myself relaxing in my hotel room preparing for the most important meeting of my life, I found myself sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic. It soon became apparent that I would not have the time to freshen up. Instead I was forced to change my plans and go directly to the offices of Wainwright and Griggs. When I arrived I looked completely disheveled. But I knew once that I was inside I could win over Allison Kendell. Except I never made it to the inside of her office. Her assistant who very politely and very firmly explained that Miss. Kendell would be unable to assist me in my research greeted me. I was flabbergasted. I had traveled all this way after meeting with her sister. Nicole Kendell had assured me that not only was the diary real but there was a second diary written by Stephan himself. This was incredible, a second diary! It was not hard to convince Nicole to arrange the meeting with Allison. Perhaps that should have been my first clue that there was some animosity between the two sisters.

I had found myself suddenly standing on the street after failing to convince Miss. Kendell’s assistant that I would only take a moment of her time. I found a pay phone and canceled my hotel room. To add insult to injury the cancellation came too late for a refund. But since there was no longer any reason to stay in New York, I just wanted to go home. I called Amtrak and found that I could catch any number of trains heading back to New Haven. I knew that I could still finish the book. But Stephan Ballister had been a decorated southern hero and to finally unveil his true identity would put me at the top of my profession. If the rumors were true I knew that I could receive funding for a documentary. For the first time in my life I faced failure. This had never happened to me before. I faced defeat and hailed a taxi, as I approached my cab I watched in horror as someone else started to open the door.

“Hey!” I screamed. “What do you think you are doing?”

“Sorry.” She snarled as she blew a puff of smoke in my face.

I could never erase the image of her. With her sculpted features and raven hair. She was an imposing figure with her six foot frame clad in a designer suit that. Hell everything about her looked as if it had been pulled out of a fashion magazine. Everything but the cigarette. “Allison Kendell?” I said coldly.

“Yes.” She replied in an annoyed tone.

“I ‘m Stephanie Grant.” I shot out boldly as I blocked her from entering the taxi.

“So?” She sighed with annoyance.

“You were suppose to meet with me today.” I was infuriated by this woman’s arrogance.

“Right … the student.” She sighed impatiently. “So?”

I was so appalled by her lack of manners that I simply stood there slack jawed. “I do not have time for this kid.” She chastised me. I blocked her path as she tried to push past me. “Your sister said that you have the diaries.” I pushed.

“And …?” She asked dryly as she tried once again to enter the taxi.

“Come on ladies I don’t have all day!” The cab driver bellowed.

“Just a second!” I shouted back raising my voice for perhaps the first time in my life. “Look Miss. Kendell.” I hissed. “I came a long way to see you because your sister led me to believe that you would be willing to show me the diaries.”

“After how many martinis?” She asked snidely.

“What?” I answered in confusion feeling that I was about to loose my advantage.

“You don’t remember do you?” She sighed. “Bombay Sapphire martinis extra dry with three olives and she rarely drinks less than a dozen. As you can see, I am very well acquainted with my sister’s fondness for gin. I bet she stuck you with the bill.”

There was nothing I could say in rebuttal. What could I say it was true? Nicole had invited me to lunch so we could discuss her famous ancestor. I soon discovered that Nicole’s version of lunch came in liquid form and she did in fact stick me with the tab. Suddenly I felt very stupid and much smaller than my five foot four frame. It wasn’t bad enough that this woman who already towered over but now I felt like a dwarf standing next to a very pissed off Snow White. And if that was the case I was most certainly Dopey.

“My sister is an alcoholic Miss..? ” She said quietly.

“Grant! Stephanie Grant!” I snapped feeling my anger returning in full force.

“Miss. Grant.” She repeated in quiet firm tone. “As I was saying my sister is an alcoholic and she will say anything you want to hear as long as you are buying the drinks. I’m sorry that you wasted your time. Good luck with your paper. Now I must be going so if you don’t mind?”

“It is a book.” I hissed at her. “And this is my cab.” I remember hearing her laughing as I jumped into the taxi. I had never felt so foolish in my entire life and with my childhood there had been plenty to feel foolish about.

But that was so long ago, the woman that I was watching now bore no resemblance to the one who had been so cruel to me then. All I can possibly hope for now is that she did not remember our first encounter. But a part of me could not help but remain suspicious. Could this charming persona be an act for her students? After all I am certain that many juries found her charming as well. Perhaps I should reserve my full assessment on Miss. Kendell until I have the opportunity to view her without an audience.

I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned to see Dr. Camden motioning for me to follow her. As the chairperson of Haven’s history department Dr. Maureen Camden had pursued me relentlessly to come here. In the end I discovered that it was my only real option. At a small University like Haven I would advance more quickly and then after my resume was better padded I could make the jump over to Harvard or my alma mater Yale. Dr. Camden was thrilled when I finally accepted her offer. I did not have the heart to tell her that I was simply using Haven as a short cut to a higher position at a more prestigious University. But no one had to know about that, it was simply part of my life plan.

“Tell me Dr. Camden …” I started to say.

“Maureen.” She interrupted.

“Maureen.” I responded with a smile. “What is your opinion of Professor Kendell’s classes?”

“What do you mean?” She questioned.

“Pop Culture, The History of Television, courses of the evolution of TV commercials?” I asked in confusion. “I heard that she even teaches a course on soap operas? How does any of this relate to American History?”

The older blonde who stood slightly taller than myself chuckled. “To fully understand you would need to see her in action.” Maureen explained. “Allison is unconventional to say the least. But she really gets through to these kids. And she does not teach a course in soap operas. She does show examples of them and their effects on society in one of her more advanced Popular Culture courses.”

“I guess it just seems like fluff and not real hard core academics.” I questioned.

“On the surface maybe … but she brings it alive and shows how this country tries to redefine it’s history through media interpretation.” Maureen asserted with a friendly smile.

I knew that I would have to tread carefully, it was obvious that these two women were friends. Maureen showed me around the campus. It was small yet beautiful. Old ivy covered buildings nestled in a small town near the ocean. It was something out of Currier and Ives. This was going to be a very nice place to live and work. Well, until a better offer rolled along. But this was a comfortable place to spend the next two or three years and maybe once Peter could relocate, we could start thinking about moving our relationship along further. Everything was falling into place. Just as I had planned.

After we completed the grand tour, Maureen showed me my new office. It was small but it had a grand old window that spanned from floor to near ceiling, with a view of the campus below. One side was bare with the exception of a desk, chair and a barren mahogany bookcase. The other half was filled completely with clutter. Books and magazines covered the desk and computer and I could detect the outline of a what I could only assume was a sofa. But it was buried so deeply beneath clutter that I could not say for certain that there was an actual piece of furniture laying beneath.

Suddenly the massive pile near a file cabinet began to move. My heart leapt as Allison Kendell emerged from behind it. She was grinning strangely. “Allison!” Maureen scolded the woman who displayed a look similar to a deer caught in someone’s headlights. “Are you smoking again?”

“No.” Allison answered innocently as a puff of smoke escaped from her lips.

“Allison you know the rules. No smoking on campus.” Maureen chastised her.

“Okay. I’m sorry.” Allison pouted as she extinguished her cigarette into an ashtray she had apparently hidden behind the file cabinet.

“I cannot believe that you started again. You of all people should know better.” Maureen chastised her as the tall brunette rolled her eyes. “And when are you going to clean up this mess? I swear you are worse than my kids.”

“I try.” Allison teased with a devilish smile.

“Behave.” Maureen cautioned her.

“Or?” Allison teased.

“Stop it.” Maureen groaned in exasperation. “Allison Kendell this is Dr. Stephanie Grant your new cell mate.”

“Stan is gone?” Allison beamed.

“Yes you finally drove him out.” Maureen responded in a defeated tone. “The moment Carl announced his retirement Stan approached me about his office.”

“You know what this means Maureen? You owe me dinner at the Top of the Hub.” Allison smirked.

“Yes, but you started smoking again.” Maureen countered.

“So … Dutch treat at Church Street?” Allison conceded. Maureen nodded in agreement. Allison finally turned and noticed me standing there. I was more than a little stunned at the exchange. My previous appointments were all business it was professor this or doctor that. No one ever addressed a colleague let alone the department head by their first name.

“So roomie tell me about yourself?” Allison asked her in a friendly manner.

“I gave you her resume.” Maureen said dryly.

“You did?” Allison responded in a puzzled tone as she looked around the mess that constituted her half of the office.

“I need to get back to work.” Maureen excused herself. “Play nice.” She pointed to Allison as she made her departure.

I could feel my heart begin to race as I stood there. For the first time in my life I was at a complete loss as to how I should behave. Allison Kendell was in some ways larger than life. But I suppose you can afford being what my Grandmother would refer to as a character when you have a big old trust fund waiting for you. She began to approach me as my pulse began to quicken. I swallowed deeply as she gently reached out her hand. “Allison.” She said with a bright smile.

“Stephanie.” I smiled in return as I took her hand and shook it firmly. My arm felt alive from her touch.

“Welcome aboard.” She added gently as she released my hand from her grip. My body felt a strange sense of loss as her fingers left my own. “Sorry about the mess.” She apologized. “I did it mostly to annoy Stan.” Then she mumbled something I could not quite catch. The only word I was certain of was “bastard”. I was uncertain of the rest of the statement, since I was more focused on the sudden coolness that swept through my body when she removed her hand. This was most definitely not the same woman I met in New York. I could not help but wonder what had brought on such a miraculous change.

*****

I discovered settling into life at Haven much easier than I had initially expected. I found myself really hitting it off with Allison. I soon discovered that we had a great deal in common. She eagerly taught me the ins and outs of the university’s red tape. The best times to hit the copy center. She even expedited the arrival of my computer. Soon I found myself sitting in on her classes instead of hunting for an apartment. Classes would be starting in a few days and I still had not found anything that suited by my needs and my budget. I would not be eligible for one of the University’s houses until I had established tenure. I was sadden by the thought that I would not be here that long. Then again Haven already felt like home. Perhaps settling here wouldn’t be a bad idea either and the faculty homes were beautiful.

Peter and I were playing phone tag and we had not spoken in almost two weeks. This was the first time we had ever spent this much time apart. He was looking for work in the area and hopefully would be joining me soon. That was one of the reasons I needed to select the perfect apartment. Everything seemed to be falling into place. One of the reasons I knew that Peter and I would be a good match is because of the work he did. Working with computers he could not only maintain stability but he could find work anywhere. So if I received an offer that I wanted to accept we could just pick up and go. The other reason that Peter was perfect was that he was my best friend.

It was all a part of my life plan. My female friends had always teased me about my plan. But I know that I am right. So, I had planned out my life. A map to the future as it was. I watched as my girl friends from high school and college suffer one heartache after another. Not me. I was never one to get all giggly and insecure over some boy. Peter and I had been friends at UConn. and then when I went on to Yale we started dating. So it wasn’t all hearts and flowers but in my humble opinion romance was over rated.

Maybe my attitude stems from losing my parents at such a young age. Because of what I had seen in their marriage I knew that I had to be sensible about the men in my life. My Mother had made the wrong choice and it caused her nothing but heartache. That was not going to happen to me. My Father who had never been around much, spent most of his time gambling and chasing other women. His death although it was never proven, was payback from a jealous husband. My Mother died far too young. She left this world a broken and bitter woman. When I was finally old enough to fully understand what had happened to my parents, I vowed that I would always follow my head and never my heart.

This is why I had to have a plan. I did not go steady in High School, I did not want some boy to cloud my judgment. I had watched so many of my friend’s let their grades slip. Not to mention they also allowed their IQ’s to slip as they would act almost juvenile around their one and only. Fortunately I was spared from a great deal of this silliness by entering College early. I did date some in College but I never stayed with anyone for long. My academic work was far too important. I suspected that some of my friends from back then had a pool going as to just when I was going to lose my virginity.

I hope they lost their shirts. I finally did the deed and gave up my virginity in Grad school. I wasn’t in love, I just wanted to get it over with. Plus I was curious as to just what it was that everyone was talking about. I was horribly disappointed. I still do not understand just what about it that is suppose to be so great? Maybe I am just one of those women who do not have orgasms. It really doesn’t matter.

I have Peter now and he is perfect. I could never understand why relationships could be so traumatic for everyone else? To me it is very simple. You find the person that you are the most compatible with and this the man you should marry. Of course getting married right away is a mistake. I have seen the happiest of couples in college rush right into marriage only to become disillusioned a few years down the road. Peter and I were going to live together for a while before getting married. We had already cohabitated on and off when one of us was in between apartments. Peter has suggested that we make it more permanent. But I am head strong knowing that the time was not right then. Now was the right time. I finally had the right job and once Peter relocated we could start our lives together.

It is all really quite simple when you sit down and think about these things logically. There were only a few distractions in my past but they were silly really. I was young and each time I had been drinking. Besides it was never more than kissing and they had been women. I knew that would never happen again. It was curiosity nothing more. What I need to do now was find the perfect apartment.

So why was I putting it off again so I could go play tennis with Allison? I just wish that I could beat her once. Normally I can muster up a respectable game. But playing against Allison was intimidating. It was her hands. I can never seem to take my eyes off of her hands. They were so strong. Then there was her back. She always wore a tank top when we played. This only served to accent her broad tanned shoulders. If I could just focus on my game this time I know I could finally win.

I was jolted from my thoughts by the eruption of laughter. Allison’s class was out of control. “How does she do it?” “Okay …” Allison instructed them bringing order back to her class. “For next time. The Brady Bunch and Gilligan’s Island. I want you to tell me your favorite Brady then have five of your friends name theirs. Also explain to me why the Professor could build a nuclear reactor from two coconuts but could not fix the hole in the damn boat. Kidding on that one. I want you to think of an episode any episode that reflected the events that happened while the show was on the air. Now it is a beautiful day outside so get out of here, so I can enjoy it.”

I watched as the students reluctantly left their seats. I usually needed to wake my students after one of my lectures. Allison finally forced the last of her students out the door as she approached me.

“Gilligan’s Island?” I questioned her suspiciously.

“It’s a trick.” She chuckled. “How many African Americans do recall seeing on that show? How is it that it aired during the Vietnam War and the war was never mentioned? The media’s use of escapism. They think that they are going to have an easy lecture comparing Ginger to MaryAnn but what they are really going to be doing is talking about what was happening in this country. The pilot for the show was delayed because of JFK’s assassination that alone should get the ball rolling. This is the MTV generation if they don’t see it on Nick at Nite then it didn’t happen.”

“And the Brady Bunch?” I pushed suddenly intrigued by her theories.

“Don’t knock the Brady’s.” She teased. “They managed to slip in a few social issues. Besides your favorite Brady can reveal a great deal about your personality.”

“Really?” This I had to hear.

“It’s true.” She responded brimming with over confidence.

“I don’t believe you.” I teased in return.

“Your favorite Brady was Jan.” She returned in a cocky manner.

“Yes!” I was stunned. “How did you … lucky guess.”

“It is simple really.” Allison’s over confidence could really be annoying and yet somehow down right adorable. “Jan was the middle child often overlooked an outsider. She didn’t bother with attracting boys the way Marcia did. She just tried to fit in. The only person in the family she was close to was Alice … an older women who felt the same way.”

“I still do not understand how did you know that I …” I felt an uneasiness. How could Allison know that I felt like an outsider? “You will have to explain this theory of yours over tennis.”

“Some other time.” She answered in a serious tone.

“Are you canceling?” I was more than a little disappointed. I could only hope that my voice did not betray how truly hurt I was. Of course I knew that I was being silly. After all classes would start soon and I know I had a great deal of work to do. “So why am I upset that Allison has other plans?”

“No.” Allison smiled back at me. “You are.”

“I am?”

“Have you found an apartment yet?” She questioned me.

“No.” Now I was intrigued.

“Stephanie classes start in two days and you cannot work out of that motel that you are staying in. Taking a taxi every day must be adding up.” She began to explain. “There is a very small and I mean very small apartment that has just opened up in my building. It is not much but it will do for a semester and it is a five minute walk from campus.”

I was overwhelmed by her friendship. Without thinking I jumped up and hugged her. She gently pushed me away. Somehow her reaction left me feeling cold and confused. I couldn’t look at her, I ran my hand through my short blonde hair and stared at my shoes. “So does that mean you would like to see the apartment?” She said softly. I looked up and was captured by those baby blue eyes and her bright smile. “A girl could get lost in those eyes. What am I saying anyone would get lost in those eyes. Hell Barney Frank’s heart would probably skip a beat. Whoa! Get a hold of yourself Stephanie. She is a woman. You have Peter. So why is my heart racing. It is the apartment … yeah that’s it the apartment. Think about baseball … the Red Sox …baseball …baseball …they could did it this year if Pedro’s pitching remains consistent… . and if … .”

“Stephanie?” Her deep voice called me back from my wanderings.

“Sorry.” I awoke tearing my gaze away from her. My God I was staring!

“Are you all right?” She said softly.

“I’m fine.” I answered firmly as I dispelled the thoughts that were about to break through. “I was just thinking about the Red Sox.”

“The Red Sox?” Allison answered in puzzlement. Then with a shrug she seemed to accept my lame explanation. “Yeah too bad they didn’t make it to the play offs this year. So … did you want to see the apartment?”

“Yes.” I felt my composure returning as I brushed away the thoughts of what may have transpired moments ago.

As we walked away from the sprawling campus I noticed that Allison was strangely quiet. Something about her silence disturbed me. Never having been one to just let things lay, I decided to break the ice. “So tell me why you and Stan don’t get along?” I asked trying to make conversation.

“He didn’t like my T-shirt.” She answered plainly.

“Well Stan is very old fashioned.” I added knowing that there had to be more to their on going feud than Allison choice in clothing. I also wanted to keep the conversation going, even though it was more than apparent that Allison did not. “I mean jeans and Tshirts are not his style. After all he is Mr. Bow tie.”

“It was what it said.” Allison stated simply without explaining it further.

“Oh.” I answered in confusion. I desperately wanted to keep the conversation going. There was something so painful about her silence. “And just what did your t-shirt say that started a battle between you and Stan?” Allison did not appear to be forth coming with any more details. So I decided that it was time for a new tactic. There was an issue that I needed to air and now was a good of time as any. “Allison … wait.” I said suddenly stopping her in her tracks. I was thankful that she had stopped her long legs was making it more than difficult for me to keep up. “I have something to tell you.” She stared at me deeply with a startled look that could only be described as fear.

“Whoa.” I gasped wondering what I did to cause this strange reaction from my new friend. “What’s with the look? You would think that I was about to tell that your favorite pet died.”

“Cheep Cheep?” She gasped in mock terror.

I playfully swatted her on the arm and received the trademark Allison Kendell raised eyebrow in return. I laughed at her attempt to intimidate me with her glare. Granted ten years ago that look scared the bee Jesus out of me. “Allison.” I shot back with a glare of my own.

“Nice try.” She smirked. “But it needs work. So what did you want to tell me?”

“Allison we have met before.”

“You mean … ” She looked at me strangely as she spoke. ” … like in a past life? Are you from LA.?” She began to laugh.

“No.” I laughed along with her giving her another playful swat on the arm. “You are such a jerk.”

“I am sorry.” She smiled trying to stifle her laughter. “So when did we meet?”

“It was a long time ago.” I began slowly. “You were a lawyer then.”

“I didn’t sue you did I?” She asked in a serious tone. “Or cheat your Grandmother?”

“She is not joking?” I thought. “No it was nothing like that.” I said quickly hoping to erase the guilty expression from my friend’s face. “But I was a real bitch. Wasn’t I.” She said quietly. I noticed that it was an admission and not a question.

“I thought so at the time.” I confessed.

“I probably was.” She muttered as she stared at her feet unable to look at me. “Whatever it was I’m sorry for what I did. I’m equally sorry for not remembering you.”

“It’s not important.” I lied. “I just wanted to say something just in case you did remember.”

“Boy I must have been in rare form to forget you.” She shook off a chill as she spoke.

“It was a long time ago.” I said softly gently resting my hand on her arm. She looked up at me the guilt still visible. “I was a kid then and my hair was long. I looked totally different. Forget it Allison.”

I watched as some of the tension left her chiseled features. “I ‘m so sorry Stephanie.” She apologized again. “I wasn’t a nice person back then. I will tell you about it sometime.”

“Later.” I said firmly as I linked my arm in hers. “For now I want to see this apartment and on the way you can tell me all about cheep cheep.” Her laughter warmed my heart as we started walking again.

“I don’t know.” She teased. “It’s really a tragic story. Are you sure you want to hear it?”

“Definitely.”

We walked the short distance to Essex Street, while Allison spun the tragic tale of poor little cheep cheep. Cheep Cheep as it turned out was her younger brother’s first pet. The poor little duckling suffered from epilepsy caused by inbreeding. Her parents had been forced to have the duckling put down. But they did not have the heart to tell their young son. So they did what all parents do they told David that cheep cheep went off to live on a farm. It wasn’t until David was in High School that he learned the truth. Allison explained that he did not take the news very well.

“Poor little Cheep Cheep.” I teased relieved that we were talking again. Over the years my female friends for one reason or another had drifted out of my life. I felt very comfortable with Allison and resolved that I would not let that happen to us. “Poor David.” Allison sighed as a darkness over came her. I reached out to her wanting to ease whatever it was that was causing her such pain. “We are here.” She said quickly breaking away from me before my hand could reach her. I looked up and gasped when I saw Allison’s building. It was a house really. A large Victorian with a huge front porch. “It’s perfect.” I whispered.

“Don’t let Mrs. Giavanni hear you or she will double the rent.” Allison whispered back. Just as the words escaped her lips a tiny dark haired woman who was shuffling across the street greeted us. “She lives across the street in the big yellow house and she is very particular as to whom she rents to.”

“I heard that.” Mrs. Giavanni snorted with a thick accent.

“Of course you did.” Allison smiled at her as she went to assist the elderly woman. Mrs. Giavanni slapped Allison away. “You don’t miss a trick do you?” Allison teased the elderly woman. I found it hard to believe that this dark haired beauty who was helping an elderly woman cross the street was the same woman who had hurt me so deeply all those years ago.

“Smart mouth.” Mrs. Giavanni chastised the taller woman. “This one is fresh. It comes from living in New York.”

“She knows everything too.” Allison warned me.

“That is right.” Mrs. Giavanni said proudly. “I know that … that Chris was no good for you.”

“My ex.” Allison explained shyly. “I told you that she knows everything.”

“I know that Allison tries act tough. But she is a good girl and if you are a friend of hers you can stay.” Mrs. Giavanni patted Allison’s face gently. “So we look at the apartment and then we will go across the street and have tea and you can tell me all about yourself.”

“Be careful.” Allison warned me. “The CIA could learn a few things from Mrs. Giavanni.”

“I heard that.” Mrs. Giavanni snorted.

The apartment was very small but charming. It was a studio, which meant that my bedroom and living room were one in the same. The kitchen was towards the back of the room. It consisted of a small counter top and a tiny stove and a sink. Above the stove and sink was a beautiful bay window which over looked a garden. The front of the studio was adorned with glass French doors. The front door opened into a large foyer with a gorgeous mahogany staircase, which led to the second floor.

There was only one problem. There would be plenty of room for a futon, dresser and my computer station. But there was most definitely no room for a second person. Even if Peter and I could survive in such cramped surroundings I sensed that Mrs. Giavanni would never allow an unmarried couple to rent from her. “What I am I going to do? I love this place.” Allison excused herself allowing me privacy to think. I wished that she had stayed, I needed someone to tell me what to do. Of course Peter had not found a job in the area yet, I reasoned. And I need a place now. “And I love this place.” Plus with Allison just upstairs I could have someone to walk to work with and talk with. “Funny you never cared about those things before?” I dismissed the thought as quickly as it emerged.

We could postpone Peter’s arrival. I wanted this apartment. It was so convenient. Close to campus and Allison. Not that was important but it helped. I never lived any place where I actually knew my neighbors. I rationalized. It would be nice for a change and Peter did relocate we could find a new place together.

I followed Mrs. Giavanni back to her home feeling as if somehow I had betrayed Peter. But as I chatted with the older woman over tea, she offered to rent me the studio for a mere $500.00. How could I refuse? As we chatted I quickly learned that Allison was right about one thing, the CIA could certainly learn a few things from Mrs. Giavanni. By the time I made my departure she somehow had managed to learn that my Grandmother had raised me and went to Yale on a scholarship. I also left with the keys to my new home.

I found Allison swinging lazily in the porch swing of our new home. “Well?” she asked dryly as she sipped her coffee.

“Howdy neighbor.” I beamed in response.

“Great.” Allison responded in a soft warm tone that sent a strange chill down my spine.

“There is one slight problem.” I began hesitatively.

“I know no bathtub.” Allison said with a grimace. “Sometimes a girl needs more than a tiny shower stall. Fear not my lady. For a small fee I will let you use mine when you need to escape.”

“Thank you.” I replied with a blush. “But that is not the problem. I was suppose to be looking for a place for two.”

“Oh.” Allison responded as a look of disappointment flashed across her face.

“I guess Peter will understand.” I sighed.

“Peter …?” Allison choked on her coffee.

“Are you all right?” I asked as she continued to choke. She pulled away as I began to pat her on the back.

“I am fine.” She choked out waving me away as I approached her again. “Sorry.”

“Why?” I asked in bewilderment.

“Nothing …” She laughed sadly. “My mistake … I may have to rethink my Jan Brady theory.”

“What?” Now I was completely at a loss.

“Nothing.” She was hiding something this much I could see. But soon she quickly shifted gears and smiled back at me as if nothing had occurred. “I have some time before my dinner with Maureen. Why don’t we get your stuff from the motel.”

“Thank you!” I squealed at the thought of not having to spend another night in that dreary motel. I threw my arms around her and once again she pushed me away. “Why does she keep pushing me away? Relax girl maybe she is not a touchy person, but then again normally you aren’t either… except with her.” I looked down at her in confusion. It was at that moment I noticed that she had changed into a pair of faded blue jeans a white t-shirt with bold purple lettering and a denim jacket. It was the T-shirt that made me gasp. Not such much the t-shirt but what was written across the front of it. ‘Pretty, Witty & Gay’. The reality struck me hard. This was why Allison kept pushing me away. She was afraid of any misunderstandings or possible rumors or anything else that might be perceived as inappropriate. “Very noble of you Miss. Kendell.”

“Would this be the T-shirt that Stan did not approve of?” I asked directly.

“Yes.” Allison responded with a slightly defensive tone. “My guess is that he is not a West Side Story fan.”

“That must be it.” I said with conviction.

“You didn’t know?” She questioned me seriously.

“No.” I answered simply and honestly. “And now that I do know … I don’t care.”

“Good.” She smiled back at me. “I hate all of that uncomfortable crap.”

“Speaking of crap, let’s go get my stuff.” I said as I pulled her up off of the swing. Then in a serious tone of voice I added. “Allison I really don’t care that you are a lesbian. Just don’t … well I don’t want you to take this the wrong way …”

“Go ahead.” She urged me in a dark tone as she rolled her eyes.

“It’s just that … don’t ever go back to being a lawyer.” I teased.

“Brat!” She laughed as she pinched me on my backside.

“Yikes!” I squealed at my punishment for teasing her. “Let me guess you were expecting the standard “just don’t make a pass at me” line.”

“It wouldn’t have been the first time.” Allison added.

“So my gay friends back home have told me.” I explained. “I’m sorry I just could not resist teasing you. You looked so serious. Plus I can think of worse things than having someone tall dark and gorgeous finding me attractive.” Allison looked at me with a curious expression. “Come on.” I gave her a playful shove. “Let’s put those muscles of yours to good use.”

“Oh so now I’m slave labor.” She teased in return as we climbed into her black Subaru Outback.

Once we returned to my new home there I realized how little I actually owned. I had traveled light not knowing what I could expect to find in Haven. What I hadn’t sold I stored at Peter’s. “You need furniture.” Allison stated the obvious as she glanced at her watch. “It is too late to pick up a futon.” I had already checked out of the motel and the thought of sleeping on the floor was less than appealing. I was contemplating buying an air mattress at the local hardware store. But I quickly realized that would be closed as well. The first down side to Haven they rolled up the sidewalks fairly early. I could spend one night roughing it. Suddenly I wished I hadn’t been kicked out of the Girl Scouts. “I wasn’t my fault. Jenny was the one who wanted to play doctor.”

“You can crash on my couch tonight.” Allison’s offer tore me away from my unexpected trip down memory lane.

“Thank God.” I sighed with relief.

“Look I’m having dinner with Maureen.” Allison began to explain. “You can join us or unpack … well you could if you had something to put your clothes in.”

“Dinner sounds great.”

“It’s settled then. Tonight we eat and tomorrow we shop.” Allison offered. “With my Subaru we can probably get everything in one trip.”

“Thank you.” I repeated.

“Thank Chris.” She explained. “If it wasn’t for her I would still be driving my little BMW.”

“Ouch.”

“Hey, I love my Outback.” She asserted. “Let’s go upstairs and get ready.”

While Allison was in the shower I took the opportunity to look around her apartment. There were no signs that she was a lesbian. There was also no comparison to the my little apartment downstairs. Hers covered the second and third floor. Her French doors opened up onto a small deck. She had a fireplace with a marble mantle. The mantle was covered with pictures of her family. Above the pictures hung a carefully framed shadow box containing a saber. I did not need to ask. I knew it must have belonged to Stephan Ballister.

“It belonged to one of my ancestors.” Allison said from behind me. I turned a felt my pulse begin to race. She was breath taking standing there in nothing but a white terry cloth robe.

“Your Great Grandfather. Master Sergeant Stephan James Ballister.” I asserted with confidence.

“That was a hell of a guess.” she responded slyly. “But he was my Great Great Grandfather.”

I shot her a cocky glare as I turned away, leaving her to stew on how I knew about her famous ancestor. As I showered I found my mind wandering. How could I have not known that Allison was gay. Not that it made a difference. But she did not look gay? Not that it meant anything. I wondered what kind of signs I had been looking for in her apartment. “A Georgia O’Keefe print? A sign that said I like girls! A brand new toaster oven?” What the hell was I thinking? Allison and I are friends. I like her and that is that. Now for the first time in years I was having a night out with the girls. I could not wait. This would probably be our last chance to have some fun until the semester was over.

CHAPTER TWO

When I finally emerged from the shower I found Allison smartly dressed in black slacks and a matching blazer. I felt my pulse quicken for the hundredth time that day. This time my heart was racing when I noticed the pearl silk camisole underneath her blazer. “God Allison! Why can’t you wear a blouse like a normal person?” She was smiling at something she was reading. Whatever it was Allison certainly found it entertaining as she smoked her cigarette.

“What are you reading?”

“Your resume.” She answered as she glanced up at me. “I just found it. “

“Here?”

“So I lack organizational skills.” She snarled playfully while taking another drag from her cigarette. “Top five percent of your class at Yale, very impressive. So couldn’t get into Harvard?” She teased taking another drag. I walked over and took the cigarette away from her and took a drag myself. I watched as a single eyebrow arched. “Now and then.” I said in answer to her unspoken question. “Probably not even an entire pack in my life.”

“I hate people like that.” She shot out grabbing the cigarette from me.

“I thought you quit?” I shot back.

“I’m working on it.” She grumbled.

“So went to Harvard I take it?” I decided to let her off the hook for the moment.

“Law school after my undergrad at Wellesley.”

“You know that makes us sworn enemies.” I taunted her as I removed her cigarette from her mouth. I looked around and discovered an ashtray on the coffee table and quickly extinguished the cigarette. “Last one.” I admonished her.

“I’ll try. ” She promised. “I just found it. I must have hidden it for an emergency.” She blushed at her lack of self-control. Quickly she turned her attention back to my resume. “You got your PH. D at twenty three. That’s disgusting!”

“I am going to get dressed.” I responded indignantly as I turned to enter her bedroom. Suddenly I felt her hand on my waist. I could feel her warmth emanating through the towel I had wrapped myself in. “Here it is!” She cried out. “Please don’t let go.” I silently begged.

“What?” I turned to her praying that she wouldn’t notice my now crimson face. She did and snatched her hand away quickly. “Sorry.” She apologized.

“So just what did you find?” I said quickly hoping to enact some damage control.

“This.” She answered pointing to my resume. “This is what I was looking for. Your first book.”

Unconsciously I leaned closer to her. “The Executions Of Corcoran and O’Brien.”

“I read that.” She said proudly. “It was very good. The story of the first execution in the Confederate Army. They were in the Louisiana Tigers , Company B. That was my Great Great Grandfather’s company.”

“I know.” I leaned closer to her as if my body had a will of it’s own.

“Is that how we met before?” She asked in a curious tone. “It wasn’t the diaries … was it?”

“Yes.” I whispered finally pressing my body into hers. “I had originally wanted to write about Stephan Ballister.”

She closed her eyes and pressed her body closer to mine. I was so close that I could hear her heart beating. I revealed in her warmth. Thoughts escaped me … my breathing ceased nothing mattered only the feel of this woman against me. “You should call Peter.” She said suddenly. My head snapped at the harshness of her voice. I stepped away from her rapidly suddenly feeling ashamed. It was the realization of what my body was feeling compiled with the knowledge that any thoughts of Peter had vanished.

“I will call him tomorrow after I call the telephone company.” I ignored Allison’s puzzled stare and raced into her bedroom. I closed the door behind me and tried to regain my composure. “What the hell was that all about? I will not allow this to happen. I just need to focus on Peter. You remember Peter don’t you Stephanie? He’s the guy that you are planning on marrying. Why is this happening all of a sudden? But this isn’t the first or even the second time you have more than noticed an attractive woman. I will not do this again! There is nothing wrong with me. Liar! Shut Up! You shut up! Great now I am arguing with myself. And to make matters worse I am losing.”

“I wonder if this is the first sign of insanity.” I said aloud. “Maybe. Yes. No. Stop it! Get dressed Stephanie before those nice men in white coats come and drop a net on you.”

I finally emerged from Allison’s bedroom dressed in a pair of black jeans and a chartreuse silk blouse. If Allison noticed my prolonged absence she never mentioned it. In fact she did not mention much of anything. She smiled simply and told me that I looked nice. There was something different in the tone of voice she had chosen. It was very big sisterish. Allison was clearly drawing a platonic line in the sand. Upon Maureen’s arrival, Allison informed her that I would be joining them.

“Great now we can get her drunk and learn all of her deep dark secrets.” Maureen teased.

“Too late Mrs. Giavanni already beat you to it.” I countered. “She promised not to reveal where the bodies are hidden.”

“Clever girl.” Maureen responded with a laugh. “So how did Mrs. G get a hold of you so soon?”

“Stephanie is renting the studio downstairs.” Allison explained in full big sister mode. “Who is driving?”

The driver was decided by flipping a coin. Maureen lost. “Waste of a good baby sitter.” She muttered.

“What are you bitching about?” Allison teased her. “We are the ones that have to be seen in a mini van.”

As Maureen drove down Rte. 128, I felt something I had not experienced in a long time fear. I was relieved once we left the highway. My reprieve was short lived. The roads in the city were a mess. “What is this?” I exclaimed as we sat in bumper-to-bumper traffic. “Bureaucracy in action … better known as the Big Dig.” Maureen snarled.

“Just what are they digging for?” I asked in amazement.

“Whitey Bolger.” Allison teased making reference to the reputed mob boss from Southie, who had managed to disappear right under the FBI’s watchful eye. As Maureen strung together a list of expletives that would make a sailor blush, Allison explained that the Big Dig was being constructed to alleviate the traffic problems that plagued the city. Boston is a great old city. But the original roads were simply paved over cow paths. This was common in New England. The Big Dig looked great on paper it would ease the traffic without marring the beauty of the city not to mention create jobs. But the reality was that the project had long ago ran over schedule and massively over budget. Some reports stated that if and when the project was completed it would be outdated. “Really?” I questioned.

“Not exactly there is an upside.” Allison explained. “The project started in 1982. I forget when the original finish date was. But when it is done a lot of the traffic will go underground. All of those ugly green bridges we crossed are coming down. It will certainly improve the Boston skyline. It just that for the past seventeen years driving in the city has become a nightmare. I think the new completion date is 2004. Personally I’ll believe it when I see it.”

“Suddenly I feel like Connecticut is another country. I mean we have our share of traffic problems but nothing like this.” I sighed as we finally entered Cambridge. “We Bostonians are not known for ability to play well with others while commuting.” Allison explained. “Driving is considered a contact sport. Use of directional is considered a sign of weakness. Trust me driving in Massachusetts is not for the faint of heart.” I was about to laugh but something about the expression on Allison’s face told me that she was serious.

“Moron!” Maureen screamed as she honked the horn.

I looked out the window to see a group of College aged people wandering into traffic apparently having not regard for the crosswalk or traffic lights. “This is MIT.” Allison explained pointing to the domed building. “Where they can split an atom but they can not cross the street like a normal person.”

“Christ!” I groaned as Maureen sped through traffic. “I need a drink.”

“Well you are in luck.” Allison said lightly as we entered Harvard Square. Maureen maneuvered around the twist and turns past the famous university. “Church Street is the best TexMex in the area. But watch out for the margaritas.”

“Are they bad?” I asked as I held onto my seat for dear life. “How can Allison be so calm? I have already rattled off twelve Hail Mary’s in the last thirty seconds and I’m not even Catholic.”

“No the margaritas are very good. That is the problem a couple of those babies and you loose all self control.” Allison seemed so calm as cars seemed to aim directly at the mini van. Feeling suddenly faint I closed my eyes unable to watch.

“Space!” Maureen squealed.

“Hold on!” Allison cautioned me as Maureen threw the mini van into reverse on a busy street. Her children’s toys bombarded me as I held on for dear life while the sounds of honking horns from irate drivers echoed in my ears. Somehow Maureen managed to maneuver the vehicle into a tiny parking space with little effort.

“Yes!” Maureen congratulated herself.

“Still alive back there Stephanie?” I opened my eyes to find Allison’s blue gaze staring back at me. “Stephanie? Breath Honey?”

“I think I’m going to be sick.” I gasped pulling various squeaky toys off of my lap.

“I have the effect on women.” Allison smiled. “Welcome to Massachusetts.”

“Does everyone drive like that?”

“Only if you want to get anywhere.” Maureen explained.

The restaurant was very noisy and crowded, but there was a homey atmosphere to it. Since there was a line a people that stretch-out onto the street we decided to wait at the bar for our table. Maureen took the pager that would alert us as to when it was our turn to be seated. We pushed our way threw the crowd and managed to grab two seats. I offered to stand and pay for the first round. The skinny blonde bartender raced over as Allison took her seat. “Hey Girl. How are you?”

“Same old same old.” Allison responded flatly.

“So grand gold rocks no salt?” The bartender cooed as she leaned slightly over the bar. I couldn’t help but notice that movement allowed her a better view of Allison’s cleavage.

“You know it.” Allison answered politely as she turned to me. “Stephanie what would you like?”

“The same.” I answered as I pushed myself closer to Allison and glared at the blonde.

“Make that two, Amy.” Allison instructed her.

“I’m sorry I didn’t see you.” Amy lied. “Maureen what can I get for you?”

“Pepsi.” Maureen sighed.

“Lost the coin toss?” Amy laughed.

“Yes damn it.” Maureen snorted.

Amy returned with our drinks and an order of chips and salsa explaining that the snacks were on her. I was more than a little miffed when I went to pay and was forced to shove the money at Amy who had not taken her eyes off of Allison. Fortunately another customer began to clamor for Amy’s attention before I snapped at her.

“I was really hoping that it was her night off.” Allison sighed.

“Why?” Maureen laughed. “All you have to do is look at her and we are waited on immediately. I did not get this much attention when I was pregnant.”

“Try the chips Stephanie.” Allison offered turning her attention away from the drooling blonde. The chips were excellent and the margarita was everything that Allison promised. The only thing bothering me was Amy. The blonde was really beginning to work my nerves. Every time Allison and I began to engage in a conversation there was Amy. No matter how many times Allison brushed her off she was relentless. The final straw came when for the second time she brought another round of drinks for Allison and Maureen and pretended to have forgotten that I was there. The first time had angered me. The second time I was ready to lung over the bar. Allison’s voice stopped me from reaching over and choking the life out of the blonde.

“Amy.” Allison’s chilly voice rang out. “If it is not too much trouble … do you think that you could bring my friend another drink?”

“Oh? I am so sorry.” Amy lied once again. “What is that you are drinking?”

“Stephanie will have what I am having. It shouldn’t be too difficult for you to remember that.” Allison’s voice cut through the crowded bar. The steely gaze she cast at Amy made the skinny blonde recoil in horror.

“Right away.” Amy muttered as she slinked away.

“Excuse me.” Allison said softly as she gently touched me on the arm and stood. Allison walked to the other end of the bar and cornered Amy. I have no idea what the two women were talking about, but I was very well acquainted with the menacing look in Allison’s eyes. Having been on the receiving end of that glare ten years ago I was very aware of the fear it could instill. I had a feeling that Amy’s days of flirting with Allison were over. I watched with interest until Allison walked away and disappeared.

“Well there goes all of the freebies.” Maureen sighed.

“I don’t think that Amy likes me very much.” I added flatly.

“No?” Maureen laughed. “Maybe she thinks that you are a threat.”

Before I could respond to Maureen’s observations a felt a warm caress on my shoulder. I turned to find the raven-haired beauty smiling at me. “Our table is ready.” Allison said quickly.

“But the beeper didn’t go off?” Maureen questioned.

Just then a stocky dark man dressed in business attire approached us. “Miss. Kendell I would be happy to show you and your party to your table.” Maureen handed him the beeper as he directed us away from the bar. As we were led to the downstairs dinning area I noted quickly that this man was not a waiter or even the manager. We were seated at a quiet corner table. The little man pulled out our chairs and seated us individually. “I apologize for any inconvenience you have incurred. If it meets with your approval I have ordered the chef to prepare something special for you ladies. Everything is on the house. My apologies again.” He repeated as a waiter arrived with another round of margaritas. Allison thanked the man as he made his departure.

The table was silent as the drinks were delivered. A bus boy appeared and began to deposit mountains of food on our table. Allison passed a margarita to Maureen. One would be all right since it appeared that we would be eating for some time. Maureen raised her glass and saluted Allison. “To lawyer Barbie.” Allison simply groaned in response taking a sip of her drink.

“I don’t wish to appear ungrateful.” I said finally. “But the few times in my life when I have worked up the courage to complain about the service the most I ever received was an we are sorry and a coupon for a free appetizer.”

“I am a Kendell.” Allison stated in a dry voice.

“I see.” I answered suddenly thinking at that moment Allison had lost some of her charm. “So the bitch lawyer is still in there.”

Suddenly Maureen and Allison erupted into uncontrollable laughter. “Did I miss something?” I questioned feeling left out on the joke.

“Allison’s family.” Maureen spoke as she stifled her laughter. “Great old family name. One of the countries founding families. Ah to be a Kendell the prestige and history. One slight problem though.”

“No money.” Allison cut in with a huge grin.

“Excuse me?” I pried. “That is like saying the Rockefeller’s live on food stamps.”

“It’s true.” Allison confessed. “Well I don’t know about the Rockefeller’s state of affairs … but the Kendell fortune was blown decades ago. It’s an old story. One generation slaves away does nothing but work and amasses a fortune that should last forever. Except the next two generations go through everything without a second thought for the future. Basically because they have no intention of ever working for a living. Too busy drinking and getting laid. By the time my Dad graduated from Harvard all that was left was a great name and a huge debt.”

“It must be infuriating to have people assume that everything was handed to you?”

“Sometimes. I’m sure people would be shocked to know that I had a paper route when I was a kid. Being a Kendell made it difficult to find a summer job. I had to use the family connections but I was turned away a great deal of the time because people assumed I was rich and didn’t need the money. I give Dad a lot of credit unlike the way he was raised we were never led to believe that we were rich. Of course I am not entirely certain that Grandma knows that the money is long gone. She just keeps spending and sticks poor Dad with the bills. Thank God he makes a good living. But between the bills Gramps left him and his Mother’s spending habits it is never enough. Everything my parents and I have we earned. All of the money I made working on Wall Street went to helping my Dad pay off Gramps’ debt. That and my kid sister Nicole’s love affairs with gin and sleazy men and of course there was all the money I spent trying to get my little brother out of that cult. I did manage to help save the family estate and thanks to God and AA Nicole finally got her life together. Unfortunately David is hanging around Logan Airport handing out flowers.”

“You left out how Chris wiped you out.” Maureen sneered.

“Hey not my little beach house.” Allison protested. “Fortunately, I bought that before we were together.”

“What about Wellesley and Harvard?” I asked quickly not wanting to hear any of the gory details regarding the infamous Chris.

“Working my butt off and academic scholarships.” Allison replied simply.

“Speaking of Chris?” Maureen cut in.

“Let’s not.” Allison groaned.

“Is she still trying to use your beach house in PTown?” Maureen pried.

“Yes.” Allison responded reluctantly. “But I refused. I told her that she brought plenty of women there while we were together and now she could rent a room at the Boat Slip like everyone else.” Allison added defensively.

“I cannot believe her.” Maureen moaned in disgust.

“What do expect, she is a lawyer. New subject. Let’s eat!” Allison insisted as the waiter arrived with a fresh round of margaritas. While Maureen passed on anymore alcohol Allison and I indulged. The food was fantastic and I was enjoying the conversation. The tequila was beginning to have an effect on me, more than once I caught myself touching Allison’s hand or knee. She seemed to ignore my contact until I rested my hand on her thigh.

“Stephanie tell us about Peter.” Allison said briskly as she brushed my hand from her thigh.

“Who?” Maureen asked seemingly unaware of what my hands had been doing.

“Stephanie’s beau.” Allison said directly.

Her message came through loud and clear I was crossing a line. I had to stop. With the reality of my actions and Allison’s apparent rejection. I began to talk about Peter. I told my companions how we met, how long we had been together and what he did for a living. The standard conversation. Maureen asked the usual questions while Allison remained very quiet. I could not blame her. Here I was practically engaged to this man and I could not keep my hands off of her. I felt confused and terrified that I had just lost her friendship. One thing was certain no more alcohol for me tonight. Allison also passed on another round.

As the evening passed the conversation turned to gossip about Haven and the history department. Then to Maureen’s kids at this turn in the conversation Allison finally rejoined the discussion. Perhaps her return was due to the fact that I had finally stopped groping her. I think it had more to due with Maureen’s children. Allison’s face lit up during the conversation. It was clear that Allison adored Maureen’s children especially Jenny, who was the youngest and Allison’s goddaughter. After Maureen gave Allison a halfhearted lecture about spoiling the children, we agreed that it was time to go.

As we stood outside in the cold autumn air waiting for Maureen to bring the car around, I knew that I had to say something to clean up this mess that I had created. In many ways my behavior was no better than Amy’s. “Allison … I … um … I’m sorry.” I stammered.

“It’s okay.” She responded lightly. “Tequila it makes you horny and stupid.”

“Friends?” I asked hesitantly. To my relief she nodded yes and we gave each other a hug. The gesture should have been quick and friendly. But we seemed to melt into each other. “You feel good.” I whispered into her chest.

“So do you.” She murmured sweetly in reply as she rested her chin atop my head. I could feel our hearts beating together. Suddenly Allison jumped back pushing me away from her. “Whoa!” She gasped in horror.

I could not believe what I had just done. “Didn’t I just finish apologizing for this?” Allison started to chew on her bottom lip. It was a strange sight seeing the normally composed giant woman looking like a schoolgirl. We both stood in silence lost in our own thoughts until Maureen drove up. I climbed into the back of the mini van and listened to the chatter in the front seat. The traffic was much lighter at this hour and the return trip was far more relaxing. Although I am not certain I may have nodded off once or twice during the journey.

When we arrived back at our home I quickly exited the vehicle. Unfortunately the effects of the tequila rear it’s ugly head and redefined gravity. Just as I was certain that my face was about to be introduced to the sidewalk I felt strong arms wrap around me. “Easy there Tex.” Allison comforted me. “I guess you don’t have your sea legs yet?” She teased.

“Yeah.” I groaned. “It’s a good thing you warned me about the margaritas or I could have made a complete ass out of myself.” I blushed as I mentally recalled my actions.

“No worries.” Allison laughed. “Let’s get you inside.”

I teetered up the staircase as Allison held onto me. “I could have sworn that I was beginning to sober up.” I groaned. “Hey how come you aren’t drunk?”

“Who’s says I’m not.” Allison protested. “Trust me if I let go of you … I would probably end up going down these stairs ass over tea kettle.” I eyed her suspiciously. “Uh huh.” I added as she searched for her keys. Once inside the apartment Allison guided me to the bedroom. She gently laid me down on the bed and took off my shoes. “You will be more comfortable here. I will take the couch.” She explained.

“No.” I protested childishly all sense of reasoning departed as I pulled her towards me.

Allison stumbled landing on top of me. I felt her body pressing closer to mine. I looked into those deep blue orbs as she lowered her face to mine. Our lips were so close to touching I could feel her breath on my skin. I hated when these feelings would over take my sense of reality. But I was helpless to resist. “It was the alcohol.” I reasoned. “Just like the other times I felt this way. What about Gigi?” My inner voice questioned. “We were kids. It was nothing. Not to her.” Although my mind was screaming to stop my body had other ideas. I raised my head and brushed her lips gently with my own. The heat from the gentle caress was overwhelming. I reach up and pulled her into me. Parting my lips I invited her in. Allison accepted my invitation eagerly. The kiss deepen as our bodies pressed against each other. Without realizing it I opened my legs as her thigh nestled between them. Soon our hips began to move in rhythm. “This feels so right. For the first time in my life I am on fire. For the first time I know that I can let go.”

Allison gasped for air as she broke away from my lips. I looked into her eyes and I knew that I wanted her. I reached up and unbuttoned her jacket. I gently slid it off of her shoulders. I could see the passion in her eyes as she gazed down at me. She lowered herself and began to unbutton my blouse. In response I reached up and fulfilled a fantasy that had been running through my head all evening. My fingers began to caress the silk camisole. Soon the touch of silk wasn’t enough. I wanted to feel her. Running my hand down the silk garment until I could feel the tight muscles of her stomach. I gently tugged the camisole out her pants and ran my hand up her tight body.

While I was preoccupied with my own explorations Allison had managed to not only open my blouse but had unclasped my bra as well. My nipples harden as she lifted the garment up and exposed my breast to the cool night air. She moaned in pleasure as I gently cupped her breast taking her already erect nipple between my fingers teasing it gently. Our hips began to dance together once again. I was mesmerized as I watched her lower her mouth to my breast. “Harder… .” I begged as she began to suckle my nipple. I moaned with pleasure as I arched my back trying to offer her more.

Suddenly she stopped and pulled herself away turning her back to me. I caught her by the shoulders and turned her back to me. As I pulled her body towards mine my hands resumed the exploration. This time they roamed much further down her body. I began to unbutton her pants and lower the zipper. She closed her eyes and pressed into me. Slowly I began to slide her pants down her body. As I pulled them lower I allowed my hands to explore her tender flesh. My heart raced as I realized that this was what I had been waiting for my entire life.

“NO!” Allison protested suddenly pulling herself away. With that one word there was no longer any room for debate. In silence I laid there as she sat on the edge of the bed unable to look at me. The events of the evening flooded over me. “What had I been thinking? I wasn’t thinking that was the problem!” “Oh God.” I sobbed. “I’m so sorry.”

Allison turned to me and caressed my face gently wiping away my tears. “Stephanie it is all right.” She said softly. “Hey don’t cry. I bet in the morning we will laugh about this.”

“I must be the worst house guest ever.” I sniffled.

“Oh yeah I just hate it when beautiful women want to make love to me.” Allison teased.

“Then why …” I began to say.

“Stephanie you are drunk and there are rules about that.” Allison stated firmly. “And even if you were sober …”

“I see.” I interrupted her explanation. “She isn’t interested in me that way.”

“No you don’t see.” Allison spoke with a sincere gentleness. “Even if we had not been drinking … . there is someone in your life.”

“Peter.” I gasped as the reality hit me. “How could I have brushed his memory away so quickly?”

“Peter.” She repeated in a heavy voice. “The fact that the person in your life is a man just brings up a whole new drama. And frankly I’m not up for it.”

“How could I ever explain this to Peter? How am I going to share an office with Allison every day not to mention live downstairs from her?” “What did I do?” I whispered as I ground my face into my hands. “Idiot!”

“Hey.” Allison whispered softly. “Give yourself a break here. Trust me I am not offended … you should have seen some of the stunts my kid sister pulled when she still drinking. Nikki could make a sailor blush. Stephanie please let it go. Personally I will not hold one night of tequila ruin our friendship. So you made a pass at me. Big deal it’s not like you kicked a puppy.”

“Tequila … horny and stupid.” I smiled as I wiped away my tears.

“I warned you about those margaritas.” Allison teased as she ruffled my short blonde locks. Suddenly even though there was just a few years between the two of us, I felt very young. “I remember my first experience with tequila. Back at Wellesley some of my sorority sisters were bored so they thought it would be a good idea to introduce me to Jose Cuervo.”

“You were a sorority girl?” I asked in disbelief.

“Of course.” She laughed. “Sigma Kappa Epsilon. Why let me guess you were a Delta girl.”

“No I was never in a sorority.” I sighed. “I was so much younger than everyone else.”

“Oh? That must have been hard?” She said sympathetically.

“At times.” I admitted. “So tell me about the night you were introduced to Jose? Did you make a pass at someone too?”

“I wish.” She blushed at the memory. “No I climbed up on the roof of the Kappa house took off all of my clothes and sang several chorus’ of ‘Don’t Cry For Me Argentina’. After they managed to get me down before campus security arrived I spent the rest of the evening worshiping the porcelain god. So you see you are ahead of the game. You managed to keep most of your clothing on, you have not sung any show tunes and you haven’t thrown up.”

“Yet.”

“Well if you feel a song coming on or the bed starts to spin, just give me a shout. Good night Stephanie.” Allison said gently mussing my hair once again.

“Good night Allison and thank you.”

“Anytime.” She smiled as she stood to leave. As she turned away she instantly crashed onto the floor. “Damn it!”

“Are you all right?” I called out as I jumped from the bed and fumbled around the nightstand to find the light switch. The sudden brightness was startling. But not as startling as the sight of Allison sprawled across the floor with her pants around her ankles holding her knee wincing in pain. “Allison?”

“I’m fine.” She groaned. “I tripped over my pants. I completely fought that they were down.”

I couldn’t help myself as I burst out in laughter. She giggled in response then moaned in pain. “My God she is hurt!” Instant sobriety kicked in as I rushed to her side. I wrapped my arms around her and assisted the taller woman up onto the bed. “Ouch.” She cried. “I am such a klutz. I am always doing this.” I raised my eyebrows questioning. “Let’s just say that my middle name isn’t Grace.”

“This doesn’t look good Allison.” I explained as I examined her swollen knee. “We need to elevate this. Why don’t you put on something more comfortable. I will get some ice.”

“I’m fine.” She protested.

“Right.” I admonished her brave attempts. “Do you need help getting changed.” She shook her head no. “Good then get changed and lay down I will be right back.” I commanded as I stormed out the bedroom and made my way into the kitchen. I fumbled around in the darkness until I finally discovered the kitchen. When I flipped on the light I gasped at the sight before me. It was enormous and fully equipped with everything. I would love to cook in here. I noticed that it was also spotless. I could not believe it after seeing what she had done to her office. Deep down Allison Kendell was a neat freak. It was when I opened the refrigerator that I discovered her true secret to keeping her kitchen in such a pristine condition. The interior was packed with carton after carton of every variety of take out food. It seemed that Allison’s version of cooking required the use of a telephone. Shaking my head in disgust I closed the door and opened the freezer to get what I came for. The contents of the freezer convinced me that the rest of Allison’s culinary talents were limited to the microwave. I reached for the ice trays and discovered that they were empty. “Apparently she fought the recipe for ice as well.” I filled the trays and placed them in the freezer. Then I grabbed the next best thing I could find a handful of frozen burritos. In one of the draws I found a dishtowel that I was certain had never been used. Silently I wonder if Allison was even aware that the kitchen existed.

Wrapping the burritos in the towel I made my way back into the bedroom. I found Allison reclined on the bed clad in an t-shirt with the words Obey Me written across the front and a pair of boxer shorts. I made my way over to the bed and gently raised her knee and carefully placed a pillow under it then I placed the towel across her swollen knee. “Ouch!” She groaned. “What is this?” She asked as she peeked into the hand towel. “Bean and cheese an excellent choice.”

“You are out of ice.”

“Again? I am always forgetting to fill those things.”

“You might want to check out your fridge I think something is growing in there.” I explained as I searched her dresser for something to sleep in. I found a large white cotton blouse. Without thinking I stripped and threw it on. Although I am certain it fit Allison perfectly on me the garment was overwhelming. I turned to find Allison staring at me with her mouth hanging open. “That is cute.” I said pointing to her t-shirt.

“It belonged to Chris.” She explained. “It took it when I left. It was her favorite. I know that must sound petty but I couldn’t resist.”

“So she got your BMW and you got a T-shirt?”

“Did I mention that it was her favorite?”

“Uh huh.” I laughed as I crawled into bed next to her. “Remind me that if I ever need a lawyer that I should call you ex-girlfriend.”

She turned off the light and we both drifted off to sleep knowing that we were both sober enough to no longer fear my earlier temptations. My attempt at sexual exploration was over. At least for that night.

CHAPTER THREE

The next morning I awoke to the sweet sounds of the birds singing just outside the bedroom window. That sweet tune felt like an ice pick piercing through my already throbbing head. “Kill it!” I moaned as I buried my head under the pillow.

“I would if I could lift my head off of the pillow.” Allison groaned in agony.

Slowly I crawled out from under my pillow to be assaulted by the blinding glare of the sun. “I will never drink again.” I vowed as I curled up against Allison trying to hide from the offending light. “Poor baby.” Allison said softly. “Come here.” She whispered as she pulled me into her waiting arms. “Where does it hurt?” She inquired as she gently stroked my hair.

“Everywhere.” I sobbed pitifully. “How is your knee?” I asked as I listened to the steady beating of her heart.

“Better. But I think the burritos are done for.”

“I’m sorry about last night.” I apologized again.

“Don’t be I wasn’t exactly … unwilling.”

“But at least you were thinking.” I said softly.

“Was I?” Allison questioned with a touch of sadness. “Stephanie?”

“Yes.” I responded with a hard swallow.

“Have you?” She began nervously. “Never mind.”

“What is it Allison?” I asked as I lifted my body so I could look into her eyes.

“Have you done anything like that before?” She asked hesitantly.

“Well …” I began uncertain as to just how I should answer her. “Have I ever gotten so drunk that I put my hands down another woman’s pants?” The answer was no. But that wasn’t the complete truth. How many times did I have one too many to find myself making out with another woman only to sober up quickly and go running off into the night. Then there was Gigi. Although we never made love … technically what we did together certainly went beyond friendship. Of course that is not what I told myself at the time. So I have had urges before. And now here I am lying in her arms feeling more at home than I have ever with any man. “What is happening to me? Nothing is happening except that I am finally waking up.” Suddenly I felt my world come crashing down around me.

“Stephanie?” Allison nudged me.

“Trust me I have never done anything like I did last night.” I hedged. “But … I have kissed a girl before.”

“Uh huh.” Allison responded suspiciously.

“Well more than one.” I confessed. “But it never went past that. And it only happened a few times when I was…”

“When you were drunk.” Allison finished for me.

“Yes.” I admitted feeling that I hadn’t explained myself very well. Of course I knew that I couldn’t tell her about my teenage explorations with Gigi.

Without a word Allison released her hold on me and got out of bed and walked out of the room. Left alone with my thoughts I started to remember poor Gigi. We were sixteen and the best of friends, even though I had already started college and Gigi was in High School. It all started innocently enough we were laying on my bed talking about sex. When you are sixteen what else did you talk about. The two main topics of conversation were boys and shopping. Since I had already began to formulate my life plan and money was tight, very often I had little to add to the conversation. But talking with Gigi was easier than the other girls that I knew. This particular afternoon the conversation took a strange turn.

Somehow the we began to discuss masturbation and somehow it was decided that we should. That is how it started laying next to each other. Both of us fully clothed with our hands down our jeans touching ourselves. Neither of us achieved a climax but there was something about the event that intrigued both of us. Without discussing what had occurred that day, we continued with our exploration each time that found ourselves alone in one or the other’s bedrooms. Our explorations escalated to the point where we would undress ourselves leaving only our panties on. Although this made our afternoons more exciting neither of us had climaxed yet. That changed one afternoon in my bedroom while my grandmother was out shopping.

We were lying side by side staring into each other’s eyes. I could feel my excitement growing as I watched Gigi pleasure herself. Frustrated by my own excitement I continue my own exploration. Finally I conceded that it wasn’t going to happen so I stopped. “Let me help you.” Gigi encouraged as she reached out for me. “No.” I blurted out as I pulled away. Seeing the hurt in my friend’s eyes I knew that I couldn’t tell her that I was afraid. “Let me help you.” I explained quickly as I reached out and began to caress Gigi’s breast. The moan that escaped Gigi’s lips sent shivers down my spine. “Touch yourself.” I instructed her in a voice that I did not recognize. Gigi obeyed my instructions. I was overcome by a sudden wave of desire as I captured Gigi’s breast in my mouth. I suckled my friend’s nipple as I watched the girl pleasure herself. I could feel Gigi’s body begin to tremble. Without realizing what I was doing I rolled Gigi onto her side and curled up behind her. I rocked myself into Gigi’s backside while playing with her breast. Gigi’s hand began to move with intensity in her own underwear. “OH GOD! YEEESSSS!!!!!” Gigi screamed out. I continued to rock my body into Gigi’s until the girl climaxed for a second time.

We went on like that for over a year. Never progressing past that point and never discussing what we were doing. Not that Gigi didn’t want to. But I was far too afraid. Telling myself that if we didn’t talk about it then it wasn’t real. So I blocked all attempts Gigi made to take things to the next level. Finally Gigi grew tired of my lack of acknowledgment. Tired of the one sided physical aspects of our unspoken attachment. Gigi simply walked away one day and found someone else. Very quickly I blocked it out and tried not think of just what it had meant to her. Deep down I knew that I was the one that had hurt Gigi. “Forgive me I was afraid.” I whispered as I looked up at the ceiling in Allison’s apartment.

“So now what?” Suddenly all of the pieces of my life began to fit together and for the first time. Had Allison seen right through the lies that I have been telling myself? For the past few years I had been telling myself that Peter was my life. But I was the one who always put the brakes on when he got too close or tried to take the next step in our relationship. Sure we made love but only when it was convenient for me. He tried so hard to please me. How could I have forgotten that passion I felt with Gigi that had been the closest I had ever come to reaching an orgasm. As I lay in Allison’s bed it was becoming all to clear that I was a big fat liar. Somehow Allison Kendell had seen through my facade. I drew the bed covers around me feeling suddenly exposed.

Allison reentered the room. “I put some coffee on.” She said stiffly. “I’m going to take a shower. We have a staff meeting at eleven. Then I have a class. Maybe after the Dean’s tea this afternoon we could go and pick up a futon for you.” She departed the room without waiting for me to answer. I could tell by the intentional distance in her voice that even if my newfound awakening was true I had blown my chance with her. I just prayed that I had not lost her friendship as well.

I gathered my clothing and raced downstairs to my own apartment. I closed the door quickly not wanting to meet any of my new neighbors while racing out of Allison’s apartment wearing only a shirt first thing in the morning. Call me crazy but I just didn’t think it would make the best of impressions. As I entered my new apartment the emptiness left me cold. I shrugged off the chill and chose a suit that would be appropriate for both the staff meeting and the Dean’s Tea. As I climbed into the shower I quickly found myself lost in thought once again. “What are you going to do Stephanie?” Had the light finally dawned or was last night just one of those things. It was possible that I was just curious.

“Stop lying to yourself! This is what got you into this mess in the first place. How could I not know that I was attracted to women? But you did know. What did you think every teenage girl would blow off the mall so they could watch their best friend get off? Let’s not forget your helping hands either. Did you think everyone sucked on their best friends nipples so they could come? I was just … just what??? Face it last night you acted on pure desire!”

As the water splashed over my body my was coming back to me. All of those almost intimate moments in my life. The female friends in my life. They had not simply drifted out of my life. I had pushed them away. Because they had simply become too close. Those few innocent kisses. I had gotten drunk so I could allow myself to do what I really wanted to do. Then I pulled away when things had gotten too intense. They say you learn something new every day. Today I learned that I had led the majority of my life as a coward. I’m just not certain that I can change that? “Can I do this? Should I do this?”

The temperature of the water dropped suddenly and I was forced to exit the safety of my shower. The internal battle continued. By the time I was dressed I had come to a decision. The decision was simple I was not going to jump into anything. I was far too confused at the moment to make any life altering choices. Basically I was deciding not to decide anything. “Yeah that works. Coward!” I was jolted from my battle as my ceiling began to vibrate from the music that was blaring from Allison’s apartment. As the ceiling shook violently, the sweet aroma of coffee filled the air. I needed caffeine and I needed it bad. My courage failed me. Big surprise! After the way I had behaved last night how could I go back upstairs? I was not entirely certain that I would be able to face Allison Kendell again.

I adjusted my suit and packed my briefcase. I hated facing yet another faculty meeting as the newest member of the department. It was like being the new kid in school all over again. Before she died my Mother moved us seven times in as many years. I never really got the hang of making friends. When I went to live with my Grandmother I was finally in a place that was permanent. But I kept skipping grades that was worse than moving around. How do you bond with people who are older than you but not as smart? Let’s just say I was stuffed into my locker more than once. The only friends I had made in my life were Gigi and I screwed that up. Then Peter and I had a feeling that I was about to screw that up. And now Allison and that wasn’t looking like it is going to last either.

As I repacked my briefcase for the third time I could no longer deny that I was stalling. I should just leave. After all Allison never suggested that we commute together. After what had happened the night before she might prefer it if I just stayed away from her all together. “Coffee?” A voice called from behind me. I turned to find Allison standing in my doorway. She was dressed smartly in a cream colored suit. The light from the French doors illuminated her well-defined body. She was breathtaking. “I … um … um … yes.” I stammered. “Idiot!”

“Come on then.” She waved to me. Her voice had warmed considerably but I could still detect a hint of coldness to it.

I followed her obediently up the staircase. As we entered her apartment I could not help in thinking just how truly pathetic I was. The music was deafening, but I liked it. The steady rhythm of the guitar was intense. I felt my face redden as the sultry female sing crooned about you little secret. “Sorry about the music.” Allison shouted as she made her way over to the CD player and shut it off. “Melissa.” She stated simply with a shrug. “It is something of a morning ritual of mine. I never realized how loud it was sounded downstairs. George never complained.”

“It is all right. I like it.” I answered with a smile. “Who is Melissa?”

“How is your head?”

“Better.” I lied. “I still feel as if elves are tap dancing on my skull. How is your knee?”

“Fine.” She answered. “How do you like it?”

“What?” I gasped.

“Your coffee?” She offered in a bewildered tone. “How do you like your coffee … cream … sugar?”

“Just milk please.” I answered quickly feeling very foolish once again.

“I think there is some in the refrigerator. I’m not positive though. I drink mine black.” She offered in a casual manner. It would appear that Allison was at least trying to forget about the embarrassing events of last evening and this morning.

I thanked her as she placed a mug of coffee on the counter for me. I searched the bizarre contents of her refrigerator until I came upon a small carton of milk. It had been hidden behind something that was unidentifiable. I opened the carton and was suddenly overwhelmed. I do not know if it was the stench emanating from the carton or the tequila from last night or a combination of both … but I was about to be sick. I threw the carton into the sink and raced off to the bathroom.

Upon my return to the kitchen I found Allison cleaning up the mess I had made. “I’m so sorry Stephanie.” She apologized profusely meeting my gaze for the first time since we snuggled in bed this morning. “Allison Kendell that refrigerator is a disgrace.” I said trying to regain my composure.

“I know… I know.” She looked down in embarrassment. ” I keep meaning to clean it out. But I never seem to get around to it. Plus I never cook and I drink my coffee black and … and … I’m sorry.”

“Forget it. I used your toothbrush.” I snarled as I retrieved my coffee from the counter.

“That seems fair.” She laughed.

“I think I just switched to black coffee as well.” I said, afraid to ask for some sugar. As I sipped the coffee slowly I braced myself for the bitter after taste. But there wasn’t any just a slight hint of vanilla. I had the impression that Allison was not as inept in the kitchen as would like to appear to be. But then again Oscar Madison had a clean fridge so there goes that theory. “Can I asked you something?”

“Sure.” She responded carefully.

“The music … who is Melissa?” I asked.

“Etheridge… Melissa Etheridge.” She answered with a combination of shock and horror.

“Of course.”

“Don’t you have lesbians in Connecticut?”

“No.” I stated blankly. “We send them all to New York.”

“Humor?” She teased.

We stood there silence as we sipped our coffee each lost in our own thoughts. “I’m sorry Stephanie.” She said finally breaking the uneasy silence. “For?” I responded in confusion.

“Last night … this morning.” She whispered sincerely.

“Why? You are not the one who got drunk and then made a pass at your hostess. Then there is the inflicting of bodily injury and of course throwing up.” I sighed in defeat. “Wait I won’t apologize for throwing up that was definitely your fault. Next time remember that they put expiration dates on things for a reason.”

“Well you can let yourself off the hook for my knee as well. Technically I did that to myself.” She teased.

“While trying to avoid my advances.” I insisted.

“Well at least I did not end up in the emergency room.” She laughed in a vain attempt to lighten the mood. “Could you imagine trying to explain to some poor intern at three in the morning that you tripped over your own pants.”

“The past twenty four hours have been something of a roller coaster ride.” I said absently.

“Poor baby.” She sighed compassionately.

Somehow I knew that at that moment she wanted to touch me. I also knew that I wanted her to do it. The moment passed and she did not reach out to me. “Everything is suddenly very confusing.” I admitted finally praying that she understood what it was that I was trying to say.

“I do not want to cause you anymore confusion.” She spoke with such tenderness. I watched intently as she brushed back a lock of her raven hair. “And I won’t. I would like for us to friends. But if my friendship causes you any problems I could …”

“No.” I interrupted her those blue eyes grew dark. “No your friendship won’t cause me any problems.” I clarified. “Allison I haven’t had very many lasting friendships in my life. I am just starting to realize that it is my fault. I treasure your friendship and I would like to keep it.”

Allison had insisted on driving to campus. Along the drive Allison complained nonstop about having to wear high heels and a skirt. As she ranted I could not help but notice how great she looked. “Why can’t I just stop looking at her? Are you nuts? A blind man could see how hot this woman is. That is so true I may or may not be gay but anyone would stare at those legs that just keep going on and on and … . and on … and …”

“I mean what sick bastard invented these things. Like I’m not tall enough.” Allison continued to bitch about her footwear. There something about Allison that I noticed this morning in addition to her legs. She was going to great lengths to avoid eye contact with me. It was a small thing but even during our first encounter Allison had always maintained direct eye contact. After watching her over the past few weeks I picked up on the fact that she made a point to do this with everyone. Until now. Wow I must have really freaked her out. “Why should she be freaked out? Even if I am a lesbian she has made it quite clear that she is not an option.”

Upon arriving on campus we went directly to our office. How comforting it all sounded, our office …our house. From the other side of the partition that separated our desks I could hear Allison fumbling around. I wanted so desperately to go to her. I pushed the thought from my mind as I dialed the telephone company and made the necessary arrangements to have my new telephone installed. Of course these days there was no actual installation. You buy a new phone and someone somewhere flips a switch. I groaned as the woman on the other end listed my options. I needed to choose a local carrier and a long distance carrier and did I want Internet services, voice mail, caller id and so on. I chose my local and long distance carriers and made a note about the Internet. Not sure if I would need it since I was already on line at my office here on campus. I carefully jotted down my new telephone number as the very pleasant woman read it off. She informed me that my new service would be connected no later than tomorrow afternoon. The woman’s voice was very soothing and I found myself doing what I always did. I tried to picture what she looked like. Suddenly I blushed as this innocent game that I had always played took on a new meaning.

I thanked the woman as she transferred me so I could confirm that I chose my local and long distance carriers freely. Sometimes I missed the days when Ma Bell controlled the world. As I waited patiently I looked over to the couch in the corner of the office. I smiled noting that Allison had made good on her promise and cleaned her side of the office. That alone should irk good old Stan. I finished with the telephone company and made my next call to the cable company. This call did not go as smoothly. Unlike the telephone company there was only one option in certain areas as to who could be your cable provider. The problem came from trying to set up a time. With my schedule we could not agree since they came between the scheduled time and hell freezing over. Frustrated knowing that taking an entire day off at the start of the semester during your first week on the job was very unwise. Allison finally came to the rescue when she shouted over the partition that Mrs. Giavanni could let them in. I shouted my thanks to her and set up an appointment. I knew that my meager belongings would be more than safe under Mrs. Giavanni’s watchful eye.

I hung up and listened to Allison chatting on the telephone to someone in what sounded like French. I sat there twirling my pencil and debated on whether or not to call Peter. I really should call him after all we had not spoken in weeks. What would I say to him? “Hi sweetheart how is work going? Oh by the way I almost cheated on you last night. Oh yeah and I might be gay. What is new with you?” Twenty-four hours ago my only problems consisted of finding a suitable apartment for Peter and myself and beating Allison at tennis. Granted now those problems were history. I found an apartment that was far from suitable for two people and playing tennis with Allison was no longer what I had in mind. “And just who is she speaking French to?”

“Au revoir et n’oubliez pas de me donner un coup de fil.” Allison finished and hung up the telephone.

“I wonder what that means? The Au revoir is pretty simple but … way to focus Stephanie! Stop eavesdropping and call your boyfriend!” My hands were shaking as I dialed the familiar number. “What is wrong with me I am almost thirty three years old. I have a PHD in early American history. I have written five books on the hidden secrets of this nation’s history. So why am I sitting here with sweaty palms terrified at the prospect of talking to my boyfriend of almost six years? This is insane! Maybe hearing his voice will help put things in perspective? Maybe he is busy and I will get his voice mail? Coward!”

“Peter Burton.” He answered cheerfully.

“Damn! I mean Hi Honey.” Smooth Blondie! I watched as Allison made a sudden departure from the office stopping at the coffee table located just outside of our office. Maureen joined her and the two began what seemed to be an animated conversation.

“Steffi Sweetheart!” Peter’s voice beamed through the receiver. “It is so good to finally hear your voice. I was beginning to think that you didn’t love me anymore.”

I could tell that he was teasing but that did not stop the guilt from stabbing at my heart. “I miss you too.” I lied. As the words left my lips it looked as if Allison was about to reenter the office. She turned quickly and rejoined Maureen. “I found an apartment.” I continued realizing that I was about to hurt two very dear people. “But there is some bad news.”

“What is it?” He said quietly.

“Well Peter you see it is like this …” I hesitated unsure of just what to tell him. “It is a studio.” I said quickly knowing that there was no way I was going to do this over the telephone. “It is much too small for two people.” I ended quickly.

“That is it?” Peter laughed. “You worry about the strangest things. Look I will see it when I come up in a few weeks for our anniversary. If it is too small then it still isn’t a problem. I am being transferred to Providence and maybe by the time I move we can find something together. Maybe someplace between Haven and Rhode Island. I know it will be a commute for both of us. We should think about getting you a car.”

“But I agreed to rent it at least until the end of the semester.” I argued.

“Sweetheart that is not a problem. I’m not leaving here until the end of the year. And who knows maybe by then I could probably hook up with a company in Boston or Cambridge. There is a lot of new tech companies starting up in Lynnfield and New Hampshire, which would be closer to Haven so I could start looking there.” He was so comforting and so willing to do anything to make me happy.

“Peter you love working for Syntak.” I protested.

“I love you more.” He added. “Great more guilt! How could I have betrayed him so easily?”

To make matter worse while Peter continued his end of the conversation filling me in on what was happening in his life and how much he missed me, I was ogling Allison as she was talking to Maureen. Everything about her set me on fire. How could I be doing this? Here I am talking casually to Peter while I am lusting after Allison. “Can’t blame the tequila this time.” I needed to sort this out. I was not going to tell him anything until I was positive and I won’t do it on the telephone. He deserved better then that.

Peter and I had been friends at UConn. even though he was a few years older than myself. After I went on to Yale we stayed friends. Then when my Grandmother became ill he was the only one that was really there for me. When she past away it was Peter who held me together. He helped with all of the arrangements and took care of me. It was then that I began to see this shy dark haired boy with big brown puppy dog eyes in a new light. After the few family and friends left the house the day we buried her he sat up with me and held me as I cried myself to sleep. Then He helped sell the house and settle my Grandmother’s affairs. When everything was finished I took him to dinner to thank him for all he had done.

It was on that night that we kissed for the first time and he has been the man in my life ever since. He was the perfect choice even if a part of me felt as if something was missing. On our first anniversary together He finally confessed to me that he had been in love with me for years but lacked the courage to say anything. I remembered how adorable he was while admitting to the truth. The poor guy turned every shade of red imaginable. It was at that moment that I decided that this was the man I was going to marry. Everything seemed perfect until last night. I suddenly wished my Grandmother were still alive. I needed her now more than ever. She had been the one constant in my life. Is that what Peter was? Did he simply step into her shoes as my guiding light?

If my Grandmother were still alive would I be with Peter? And if that dear sweet very conservative very Irish Catholic lady were still with me what would she say about my current situation? “That would not be pretty! I have a feeling that Peter’s reaction isn’t going to be any better.” Poor Peter. He waited for me all of those years and now I do nothing but take him for granted. Here He is ready to leave a job that he loves just to be with me. Would I do the same for him? What about Peter was my only attraction to him that he is the complete opposite of my Father?

“Stephanie?” Peter voice called to me. I apologized quickly lying about a bad connection. I informed him that my telephone would be hooked up tomorrow and I gave him the number. Then I lied once again and told him how much I was looking forward to seeing him. As I hung up the telephone I felt like a complete fraud. My brilliant life plan had not taken into account that sometimes life has plans of it’s own. I have been forcing myself to change who I am to fit some kind of ideal of who I should be. All the while telling myself that I was happy.

Was I happy? The twenty million dollar question. I told myself I was. But that was before Maureen walked into that seminar I was teaching and made me an offer I could not refuse. Prior to Maureen’s offer I had been actively pursuing a position at Brown. I had taught a seminar there and the faculty was impressed. But there weren’t any openings at that time. If I had just gotten the position at Brown everything would have been perfect. Peter could have transferred and we would have gotten married and started a family. Everything would have been just fine. Until the day the truth would have forced it’s way out. Then what would I have done? This is bad enough but at least I found out now. I suddenly realized what I had just admitted to myself. This wasn’t about Allison or Peter. This was about me. I was not making a decision. I was simply accepting the truth. The problem was that the truth was screwing everything up.

“Stephanie?” Maureen called to me bringing me back to reality or as close to it as I can get at this moment. “Time for the staff meeting.” She informed me. I followed Maureen and Allison to Bradley Hall. There was a large gathering in one of the lecture halls. Maureen had thoughtfully arranged for food services to set up an array of coffee and Danish. It was a welcome treat just the thing I needed to take my mind off of everything. I eagerly helped myself to a large cup of coffee and an apple Danish. I searched for Allison only to discover her surrounded by a large group of people.

Over come with shyness I was suddenly the new kid at school once again. There I was standing on the outside while everyone else gathered in his or her own little groups. I was horrified to see Allison do the same. “So much for the we can still be friends chat we had this morning. Was it my phone call to Peter? I know she must have heard me tell him that I missed him. Was that it? Of course it was. How two faced I must have seemed. But she didn’t understand. I owe him. Peter is a decent man. Why should I have to explain this to her? More importantly why do I feel that I should?”

I look around to find a place to seat myself. I looked hopefully towards Allison but she did not seem to notice me. I could not help but notice that mostly women surrounded her. One in particular was an older very attractive woman with dark skin and a slight hint of gray in her hair. I noticed her because she was overly friendly towards Allison. “Great now I am jealous. Last night I discover lust and today I am awaken to jealousy and envy.” Years of keeping my emotions in check had come crashing down and I was exposed. I also felt like a major dork standing there with my coffee and Danish with nowhere to go. I was forced to take the only seat available. I sat next to Stan. With his twelve-year-old tweed suit, graying hair and wire rimmed glasses, Stan was the portrait of a history professor. I said good morning to him and he simply grunted in reply. I could not help looking over my shoulder to see Allison. She was laughing at something the older woman had said.

“How are you surviving?” Stan asks finally.

“What?” I question him surprised that the man had spoken to me.

“How are you surviving sharing office space with Kendell?” He snarled as he spoke her name. “She is such a fraud.”

“Allison and I are getting along very well thank you.” I snap injured by his assessment of Allison. Of course it seems odd defending her while she was sitting on the other side of the room and I was stuck there with Stan. Stan was possibly the most boring person on the face of the earth.

“Just be careful.” Stan warned me.

“What do you mean?”

“Well you never know with those people.” He cautioned me.

Those people! Is that what I was afraid of? Being labeled. “You know Stan… I know that your specialty is early American history … but you really should take a look at this century.” I snarled at him.

“All I am saying …” He began to argue obliviously put off by my tone.

“Stan!” I cut him off. “I’m not interested.”

Thankfully Maureen chose that moment to begin and walked up to the podium. Everyone greeted her with applause. “Suck ups.” Maureen laughed. Maureen proceeded to give her speech. I could tell by the looks of my fellow faculty members that this particular speech has been heard more than once. Maureen explained that this was the last time the entire faculty would meet as a whole during the semester. The department was divided by several different classifications ranging from time periods and geographical interest. Maureen went on to remind everyone of the constant cross over that would occur within our department as well as with other departments and that teamwork was the key. Then she listed accomplishments of the staff who had published or received awards during the past semester. Then she reminded everyone of the old academic rule of survival publish or perish. I noticed that she was looking directly at Allison as she said this.

Maureen also reminded us not to abuse the interns and TA’s since they were here to learn. Then she introduced me as the newest member of the department. She listed all of my accomplishments etc. Everyone seemed impressed. Everyone except Allison. I stood and received a very warm round of applause as my new peers greeted me. Maureen concluded the meeting with a reminder that the department’s basketball team the relics still needed positions filled. She assured us that this would be the year that we would finally beat the English department. She looked once again to Allison who simply raised a single eyebrow with a questioning look. “Basketball huh? I always did well with that sport and others. My only hold back was I could never play for my school since my age never matched my grade level. This might be a nice diversion. Then again a little one on one practice sessions with a certain tall dark history professor could certainly be enjoyable.”

The room emptied quickly and Allison was nowhere to be found. Dejected I walked back to my office alone. I found Allison and Maureen in a heated conversation. Not wanting to interrupt, I busied myself at the coffee station. I tried not to listen but my close proximity and their raised voices made it impossible.

“Allison I want to see you make tenure.” Maureen scolded her.

“So I do.” Allison defended herself.

“What about Stanford?” Maureen pushed.

“Nothing is definite yet.” Allison sighed. “It would be a seven week seminar with a promise to our Dean that I will return. But I will miss the spring semester here. It would be good for my resume.”

“Think about it.” Maureen pushed harder. “You need something like this. You also need to publish.”

“I know.” Allison groaned.

“You could work with Stephanie.” Maureen suggested. “Her specialty is the American Civil War. You are always talking about doing something on your family history.”

“Stephanie must have a very full plate already.” Allison argued.

“Is there a problem? I told you that I want the two of you to get along.”

“Oh we are.” Allison replied in a dry tone. Her deep contralto voice sent shivers down my spine.

It was time to save Allison. I walked in pretending to be oblivious to the tension. I carried in two cups of coffee both black and set one down on Allison’s desk. “Thanks for leaving me with Stan.” I teased her. I was not prepared for the fiery blue stare I received in return.

“You left her with Stan!” Maureen chastised her. “Didn’t you just tell me that the two of you were getting along?”

“Don’t worry we are.” I replied with a false air of calmness. “So long as you don’t leave me with Stan again.”

I was surprised when Allison simply turned to her desk without saying a word. “Stephanie do you play basketball?” Maureen asked out of the blue. “No.” I lied. Suddenly I had lost interest in the game. Allison’s coldness left me feeling vacant.

“Damn.” Maureen grumbled. “Allison if you do go to Stanford will you be back in time for the softball season?”

“No.” Allison responded curtly.

“The team needs you.” Maureen pushed.

“Why?” Allison laughed. “Is it the way I can’t hit, throw or run? Maureen how many times do I have to tell you not all of us girls are good in sports. Look at you. You are a total jock and the picture of heterosexuality. Lesbians having an innate ability for sports is a myth.”

“Then why are you so good at tennis?” Maureen teased.

“That is the Martina gene.” Allison snorted. “And I am not talking about that snotty little punk who is on the circuit now.”

I listened to the two of them banter back and forth. “Why did you lie about playing basketball? A few moments ago you wanted to play?”

“How about you Stephanie?” Maureen asked innocently.

“What?”

“Do you play softball?” Maureen repeated.

“Yes.” I answered honestly this time. “I used to play first base and I did a little pitching. It was hard in school to stay on a team because I was always younger than everyone else. But in Grad school I played with a local team. I did okay.”

“Great! You can join the team in the spring.” Maureen cheered then she bounced out of the room.

“How is our softball team?” I asked noticing that Allison was still refusing to look at me.

“The Relics.” Allison chuckled. “We suck.”

“Great.” I moaned. “Who cares. I ‘m looking forward to playing again. It should be fun. After all winning isn’t everything.”

“Tell that to Maureen.” Allison commented dryly.

I stood there for a moment uncertain as to how to keep the conversation going. I made a couple of attempts and received one-word answers in response. Finally Allison stood and excused herself muttering something about going to the library. Not once did she look at me. I sulked over to my desk and finished working on my syllabus for tomorrow’s classes. I worked on the computer for what seemed like hours. I looked at my watch and realized that Allison’s class was meeting. I told myself that I was going over there to listen to her theories on the Brady Bunch and it had nothing to do with wanting to see her. I ran hoping to catch the class before it was over.

As slipped quietly in and hid in the back of the room. Luckily her class was running late again. The students were captivated as always. But it was obvious that Allison was wrapping things up. I loved to watch her in action. Maybe I could learn something from her about teaching. I needed to find out what her schedule was for the new semester.

“So what have we learned from television?” Allison asked her students. “From the facts and the distortions that the media has offered to us?”

“That most lesbians would choose Jan as their favorite Brady.” One girl shouted out. The classroom erupted with laughter as I blushed.

“Yes.” Allison agreed with a smile. “That is true even though neither the character or the actress are gay. Which is too bad since Eve Plumb grew up to be …” Allison paused slightly as she noticed me standing in the back of the room. ” … um … she grew up to be very attractive.” She finished looking directly at me. I could feel the heat from the haze of blue cast in my direction. Quickly she turned away appearing to be at a loss. “Anyway … I … um … I’m sorry.” She apologized and shook her head and closed her eyes for a moment as she ran her hand threw her dark hair. Her eyes opened and she was back fully composed. “Friday is the final and I wanted to talk about that. I am sorry that the summer session ran late this year. But the construction on campus has thrown everything off track.” She paused once again and closed her eyes briefly. “For the final there will be eighty questions. No true or false and no multiple choice. There will also be two essay questions.” There was a collective groan emitted from her students.

Allison smiled at their response. “I also want you to be prepared that there will be no questions regarding television.” Her students were visibly shocked. I had to agree with them. I never heard them discussing anything but television. The first time I watched her all they discussed was the original Star Trek series. Allison just stood there and smiled that all knowing smile of hers as she worked that single eyebrow up into it’s familiar arch. “Ladies, Gentleman and others.” The students laughed once again but this time their discomfort was evident. “Now before you jump out of your seats and attack … allow me to enlighten you. When you signed up for this course, you enrolled in a course offered by the history department. I know that it is easy to forget that when you are talking about I Love Lucy. But all of this time you were really talking about American history. Therefore I am basing the final exam on our discussions. I paid very close attention to those discussions and I am banking on that you did too. Some of you may have continued those discussions after leaving this classroom.”

I watched as many students nodded their heads in agreement. “How do we review for the final?” One panicked young man squeaked.

“Relax.” Allison reassured her students. “Just think about what we have talked about. We covered a great deal of history this summer. Don’t forget that the focus was on a thirty-year span. The three decades we talked about were the 50’s, the 60’s and the 70’s. Remember the name of this course American History A Culture in Conflict 1950 to 1980? Don’t freak out! Every time I teach this course everyone ends up in a panic over the final. Trust me on this I am certain that you all will do just fine.” No one seemed to relax even with Allison’s reassurances. “Now I also wanted to remind all of you that I will be teaching extra classes this fall. Because I may not be here for the spring semester.”

My heart sank at the thought of Allison leaving. “You are leaving?” One student said, voicing my own fears. “No.” Allison responded calmly. I felt as if I could breath again. “But more than likely I will be teaching a seminar at Stanford. I will return before the end of the semester. It is a possibility that I will teach a short seminar here when I return. Nothing is definite.” The offer from Stanford that she and Maureen had been discussing earlier. I know that she needed to do this but still I did not want her to go. What if Stanford offers her a position?

“Professor Kendell?” One older student called out. “Is there any chance that you will be teaching the course on the history of the tobacco industry?”

“No.” Allison replied firmly. “That course is being taught by Dr. Steiner. But she will be using my book Signs along Tobacco Road and I have agreed to come in for a discussion.”

“But you won’t be discussing any of the inside info?” The student pried.

“I can’t.” Allison answered coldly.

I wondered what that was all about as the students asked a few more questions regarding the up coming semester. “Speaking of up coming courses.” Allison’s deep voice broke my train of thought. “I suppose some of you have been wondering about our mystery guest for the past few weeks.” She direction their attention to me. “She is with the FBI and you are all in trouble for what you said about J. Edgar Hoover.” Allison teased. “Seriously this is Dr. Stephanie Grant and she is new to the history department here at Haven. Dr. Grant will be teaching several courses on the American Civil War and one on the history of the Free Masons. So you might want to check her out.” Many of the students chuckled at Allison’s blunder as she blushed. “I meant to say check out her classes you animals. Now get out of here and do not I repeat do not freak out over the final. I will see you all on Friday.”

The students departed with unusual speed. I sensed that they were not heeding Allison’s warning not to freak out over the final. “Thank you for the endorsement.” I said as I approached her.

“Anytime.” Allison replied quietly as she began to fill her briefcase without a single glance in my direction. She was so sullen. It was not like her. After a class she was usually very up. Still not looking at me she sunk into the chair at her desk. It was the first time I had seen her use her chair. Normally she stood or sat on the desk. She seemed so tense as she began to rub her eyes. Without thinking I stepped behind her and began to rub her shoulders. “Don’t.” She warned me bitterly.

“I’m sorry.” I said softly removing my hands. Once again my body reacted before my brain had an opportunity to stop me. It had just seemed so natural to reach out to her. Just as natural as it was to climb into her arms this morning. Had I been thinking clearly I would have realized that I was the source for her tension.

“I have things to do.” She muttered coldly. “I will see you at the Dean’s Tea.”

“Fine.” I snapped as I spun on my heels and stormed out.

CHAPTER FOUR

The Dean’s Tea was incredibly dull. It was divided into two groups of people. Those who were fighting for Dean Tanner’s attention and those who were trying to avoid him. However it did allow me an opportunity to meet some of my new associates. Everyone seemed to be very nice. There was a feeling of family among my fellow staff members. I knew that I was going to love working at Haven. All I needed to do was to get Allison Kendell out of my system once and for all. That seemed to be getting easier by the moment. I spent the majority of the afternoon searching the crowd for the familiar tall dark figure that had turned my world spinning. Allison was nowhere to be seen. It was not likely that I simply could not find her. Even with the large crowd, the six-foot raven-haired beauty was a commanding presence.

I could not blame her. After all I was the one who kept crossing the line. Maureen approached me and touched me gently on the shoulder. “Can I talk to you for a moment?” She said quietly so she would not be over heard by prying ears. I simply nodded my consent and we made our way down the path into the garden located behind the Dean’s home. Once we were alone Maureen finally spoke. “Stephanie I am worried about Allison.” The worry was written plainly on the usually jovial woman’s face.

“Why?” I questioned uncertain as to what I should and should not say regarding Allison’s notable absence.

“She has been tense and flashing attitude all day.” Maureen explained with concern. “I know Allison has a smart mouth. Hell it is part of her charm. But it is not like her to be such a bitch. This morning she almost took poor Grace’s head off.” Grace was the secretary that Allison and I shared with two other instructors. The elderly woman was always cheerful and there was nothing she could not accomplish. I honestly believe that she could locate Jimmy Hoffa’s remains if requested to do so.

“Maybe she is just hung over from last night.” I lied hoping to offer some explanation that would ease some of Maureen’s worries.

“I hope that you are right.” Maureen sighed in exasperation. “She was never a big drinker. But still she really needs to be here and she knows it. I know that this tea is nothing more than an ass kissing contest but Allison is in a vulnerable position right now.”

I thought back to the heated conversation I overheard this morning between the two women. “Are her chances of making tenure in trouble?” I asked worried that I had somehow let my new friend down.

“Yes.” Maureen confessed. “It’s not fair she is twice the teacher of anyone in the department, myself included. But she has not published anything in almost two years. And the works that she has published in the past are not literary gems.” I felt a stab of guilt as Maureen’s words hit me.

“Publishing means that much here?” I sneered in disgust. I will never understand the politics of higher learning. Allison was truly gifted when it came to teaching. That didn’t seem to be important. What was important is that she pad her credentials so the University could parade them around.

“It means the same here as any other University.” Maureen explained. “You do not have any worries. With everything that you have already published and your more than impressive background the Dean thinks I scored a major coup by getting you to sign on. Even though Haven is just probably a stepping stone for you.”

“How did you know?” I asked in horror.

“Don’t be so shocked.” Maureen answered with a knowing smile. “I know Haven has a stellar reputation. But we are not Ivy League. Many instructors come here just to pad their credentials. Myself included. When I first came here I simply wanted to put in my time build my reputation and then move on to bigger and better. Before I knew it this became home to me. When I got married I could not think of a better place to raise my children. Plus being offered the department chair was a big incentive as well.”

We stood there in an awkward silence knowing that Maureen needed to say more but she seemed reluctant. Finally she asked the one question I been dreading. “Stephanie what happened between you and Allison?”

“What do you mean?” I choked. How am I going to get out of this one?

“What I mean is that last night the two of you were like two peas in a pod. Then today she seems to be avoiding you. Hell she dumped you with Stan.” Maureen explained in a bewilder tone. “I meant it when I said that I wanted the two of you to get along. It’s not because she is gay is it?”

“No.” I laughed at the irony of her statement. “It is most definitely not her homosexuality.” “It’s mine.” I added silently.

“Then what is it?” Maureen pushed harder.

“Nothing.” I lied once again.

“Stephanie, I consider Allison to be a good friend of mine.” Maureen was determined. “Right now something is very wrong with her and I am getting the same feeling that I get with my kids on report card day. I know you know what is going on so stop hiding it and just spill it.”

I was suddenly relieved that I was not one of Maureen’s children. She wasn’t going to except anything but the truth. So I might as well get it over with and face the music. “Maureen … you do not have to worry about Allison and I getting along.” I swallowed hard terrified that I was about to make a huge mistake. “That is the problem.” Maureen just stared at me blankly waiting for the rest. I had no options but to continue. “Last night we got along a little too well.” I blew out a breath and waited for everything to hit the fan.

“Well that explains it.” She responded calmly.

“I wish someone would explain it to me.” I whined in despair. “Wait. You do not seem to be surprised? Maureen before Allison mentioned my boyfriend did you think I was gay?”

“Yes.” Maureen answered reluctantly.

“Why?” I shouted in amazement. “How could she have seen something that I spent a lifetime hiding from myself?”

“I don’t know.” Maureen answered shyly. “My brother is gay and in college I played a lot of sports and as a result I have many lesbian friends. Over the years I think I developed my own sense of gaydar.”

“Did Allison think I was gay?”

“Well … um … yeah.” Maureen admitted. “We talked about it.”

“You what?” I gasped in shock. “I cannot believe the two of you sat around and discussed my sexuality!”

“Hold on.” Maureen raised her hands in defense. “It’s not what you think. After the two of you met I simply asked her if she thought that you were her religion. She said yes and that was it. Of course I was secretly hoping that the two of you might hook up. She has been single for far too long and I thought that you would be good for her. But she has this thing about dating colleagues.”

“Really? Why is that?” I questioned suddenly intrigued about this new revelation.

Maureen was about to answer my question when I heard very familiar footsteps approaching. I knew it was she before I heard her sultry voice. “Because Chris and I worked together and whenever we had problems the entire firm knew about it. Sometimes before I did.” Allison explained in a flat tone.

“Allison!” I gasped suddenly feeling like a deer caught in the headlights of an approaching vehicle.

“Relax.” She smiled. “You haven’t done anything wrong. I would have told Maureen myself.”

“Where have you been?” Maureen questioned her sternly.

“I have been making nice with the Dean.” Allison explained.

“Really?” Maureen questioned her suspiciously.

“Yes really.” Allison defended herself. “I know I was late so as soon as I arrived I spent all of my time sucking up to the old coot. I may be in a pissy mood but I’m not an idiot.”

“So is everything all right between the two of you or am I going to have to separate you?” Maureen folded her arms across her chest eyeing the both of us.

“Everything is fine.” Allison answered quickly for the both of us. “And just for the record nothing happened last night.” “Maybe not for you.” I thought to myself.

The three of us strolled back to the party, which appeared to be breaking up. Maureen and Allison talked by themselves for a moment. Maureen waved goodbye to me and made her departure. Allison turned to me a tense smile crossed her face as she approached me. She bit her lip as she stared at me intently. She sighed a heavy breath and smiled a more relaxed smile. “Come on. We need to find you some furniture.” She said in a soothing voice.

“You still want to do this with me?” I asked carefully.

` “To be completely honest I considered just loaning you my car.” She confessed. “But then after I had a chance to think things over I realized that I have been behaving very badly today. I was put off by what I heard you say to your boyfriend. I shouldn’t have been. It is none of my business … it was that this morning … I … well that is not important. I also realized that I need to stop over reacting to every innocent gesture. It’s just that after last night I felt confused. Instead of realizing that you and I were comfortable with touching one another in a friendly manner before all of this happened … I over reacted.” She seemed relieved at having explained things to me finally.

“I do not think you over reacted.” I said sincerely. “Well maybe just a little. But I did not help matters any. Look I’m the one who started all of this.” I put my hand up stopping her from interrupting me. “Enough. I’m sorry and you are sorry. Let’s try to do what we promised each other this morning. I want our friendship back and so do you. I don’t know about you but I am getting a headache from all of this drama. A drunken make out session isn’t worth all of this stress.”

She smiled sweetly at my declaration. We began to walk away when I touched her arm. I was pleased that she didn’t flinch are make any attempt to refuse my offer. “Allison in regards to your behavior, you need to remember that I have seen act much worse than this.” I teased her.

“That is right.” She laughed. “I keep forgetting that you got to see me as the lawyer bitch. Tell me something back then I didn’t make you cry did I?”

“As a matter of fact you did.” I admitted. “But I did manage to hold off until I was safely away from you. How did you know?”

“Back then I made everyone cry. Even my own Mother.” Allison admitted with a dejected shrug.

We drove into town to the futon shop and I looked around. I had to budget everything very carefully since I would not receive my first paycheck until the end of the month. A polite young salesman showed us around. I could tell by Allison’s demeanor that shopping was not one of her favorite things to do. I on the other hand loved to explore and take my time. I curbed my usual prowling and selected a simple full sized model. The salesman looked at me oddly and suggested that perhaps a queen size or perhaps a king size would be more suitable. I explained that a full size was more than suitable for myself. Politely pointing out my height or lack there of.

It was when he cast a shy glance over to Allison that it dawned on me that he thought that we were a couple. I held back a laugh thinking that if his assumption were correct than yes, we would definitely require a much larger mattress. I was about to correct his error when Allison whispered to me. “How tall is Peter?”

“A little taller than you. Why?” I whispered my reply not wanting to embarrass the poor sales boy any further.

“Then I think this guy is right.” Allison explained. “With your build the full is all right for just you, but what about when … you know?”

“You are right. I didn’t even think about that.” I confessed.

“Why would you? When you are my height you think of these things.” Allison teased me as she patted the top of my head to stress her point.

I informed the salesman that a king size would be more appropriate and was relieved when he confirmed that the model I had selected was available in that size. The model I had chosen was a simple wood frame that could be pulled down easily. This way I would not have to go to great lengths each morning and evening. With one tug the futon snapped down into a bed and with a simple push it instantly converted back into a couch.

While the futon and its mattress were being loaded into Allison car the salesman suggested that we look around at some of the covers they had available. As we sorted threw the various designs I leaned over and whispered to Allison, “You know the salesman thinks we are a couple.”

“I know.” She giggled. “Does that bother you?” She asked quickly.

“No.” I answered honestly.

“How about this one.” She said holding up an ivory colored cover with a simple floral design.

“Perfect.” I smiled. “What size is it?”

“Full.” She frowned and we both began searching for the correct size. In our search our hands touched and I felt a spark race through my body. Neither of us moved as our eyes met and our breathing became labored. It was the briefest of moments but the intensity of the innocent touch was almost over powering. Allison slowly pulled her hand away and crossed her arms in front of her. I paused for a moment to catch my breath and then proceeded to resume my search. Finding the correct size I walked over to the counter and paid for my purchases.

After we departed the futon shop we proceeded to browse through every shop Main Street had to offer. Everywhere we stopped people greeted Allison. As she introduced me I realized that Haven was a very small town, populated mostly by students and members of the faculty from the University. I could tell by the expressions on most people’s faces that they were already assuming that Allison and I was a couple. It bothered me that people just assumed that because Allison was a lesbian that meant since we were out shopping together that we must be lovers. It wasn’t the assumption that I was lucky enough to have this woman as my lover. But it was the narrowed minded assumption that a gay woman could not be just friends with another woman.

Allison of course true to her nature took every opportunity to make it perfectly clear to everyone that she was just showing her new friend around town. It was more than apparent to me that Allison had been down this road before. “I need a break.” Allison whined. “Let’s go in here my feet are killing me.” Needing relief from all of the walking we had down I saw no reason to argue with her suggestion. I waved packages towards the doorway and we entered the little ice cream parlor. Like everything else in town it was a throw back to another era. With it’s art deco lighting and furnishings it took my breath away. I groaned when I noticed that it was also packed with people.

“This is the only place in town to get ice cream.” Allison explained noticing my dismay. “Fortunately it is great. Look I think there is a booth opening up.” We moved quickly and grabbed the booth as soon as the two young gentlemen who had been occupying it stood.

“Good work.” I complimented her.

“I had no intention of standing outside.” Allison griped as she discreetly slipped off her high heels. “It’s not usually this busy during the week but with classes starting tomorrow everyone is out running last minute errands.”

“How can there be only ice cream place in town?” I asked in amazement recalling how small I had always viewed New Haven to be.

“Haven is a small town.” Allison stated simply. “There is only one ice cream pallor, one Chinese restaurant, one bakery, one drug store, etc. Every couple of years or so some big chain tries to move in. They never survive. Sometimes I think that this town is stuck in some kind of Normal Rockwell painting. After all of those years with the hustle and coldness of living in New York City I have really come to love the quiet of this little town. And if I get bored with the crickets chirping I can always head down Rte. 128 and go into Boston. And of course this time of year a trip to Salem is always a lot of fun.”

“The Witch City?” I could barely contain my excitement. “How far away is Salem? I am really looking forward to spending sometime there. The history is fascinating.”

“Salem is only about fifteen minutes away by car. I could take you there some weekend. I know which tourist traps to avoid.” Allison offered.

“I would love it.” I responded gleefully.

“Unless of course you wanted to go with Peter.” Allison added sullenly.

“Peter.” I sighed. “Here we go again.”

“Stephanie don’t.” Allison cautioned as she rubbed her eyes. For the first time I could see how withdrawn she looked. The dark circles under her eyes caused my heart to drop. “I mean it Stephanie.” Allison said firmly as she looked deep into my eyes for the first time since last evening. They were bloodshot. Has she been crying? What have I done? “Look I owe you an explanation. Well not an explanation really just that I should make a few things clear about myself. We have a few moments before our waiter will get a chance to make his way over here. Why don’t I try to fill you in.”?

I nodded in agreement anxious to have some insight into this woman who had captivated me. “You know about Chris.” Allison began slowly. “Well as I said this afternoon we worked together. What hurt me the most was when I realized that most of the people I worked with must have known that she was running around on me? To know that my colleagues just turned a blind eye to it and probably gossiped about it behind my back really hurt my feelings.”

“I can understand that.”

“What you don’t understand and what Maureen does not know is that in the end I probably hurt her more than she ever hurt me.”

“That I don’t understand.” Now I was really confused. Chris cheated on her betrayed her trust and left her open for gossip in her workplace. How could anyone hurt someone more than that?

“After we split Chris wanted a second chance.” Allison explained. “When I flatly refused she began to drag out our break up. We had lived together and there were details that needed to be taken care of. Chris was in no hurry to close our relationship. I don’t know maybe she thought given enough time she could win me back. At that point I just wanted out. Finally one night in a moment of anger I admitted to her that I was never really in love with her. That our getting together had more to do with timing than with passion. I know this is going to sound cold but she simply fit into my life plan.”

A wave of guilt rushed over me as I realized the cruelty of the situation. A cruelty that I was also guilty of with Peter. Did I truly love him or did he just fit into some ideal that I had been creating? “It was at that moment that our amicable break up turned very ugly.” Allison went on.

“So that is how Chris got the BMW.”

“And I got out.” Allison admitted with a deep sigh. “I know that Chris gets a bad rap from Maureen. But you have to understand that I was never really there for her. On the other hand she is not a monogamous person by nature. The worse part of all of this is that Chris and I had been really good friends before we were lovers. It has taken a long time but we are friends again. But we will never be as close as we once were. Of course it doesn’t help that every once and awhile she tries to hand me that baby won’t you please come back crap.”

“Would you ever go back to her?” I asked with hesitation.

“No.” Allison answered firmly. “It would be easy to do. Life with Chris would be comfortable. But she has the fidelity level of a Kennedy. It is not even that honestly, the bottom line is that I am not in love with her. When I walked out on her I knew that I wanted more from life than to settle.”

Thankfully our waiter chose that moment to arrive before I could further berate myself for the way I had been directing my life. “Would you like luncheon or dessert menus Professor Kendell?” He asked sweetly.

“Neither Vince.” Allison instructed. “I will have the Aloha Sundae.”

“Great.” He beamed. “And what would you like Ma’am?” He asked innocently as Allison choked as I mouthed the word ‘ma’am’.

“What would you recommend Professor?” I teased her.

“For you Dr. Grant I would have to say, you look like the kind of girl who would love the Sinful Chocolate Boat.” Allison blushed slightly as she made her recommendation.

“You are Dr. Grant?” Vince beamed at me. “I will be taking your course on the History of the Free Masons.”

“Good for you Vince!” Allison congratulated him. “Vince is pre-law but what he really wants to do is become the next Jack Kennedy.”

“An honest Jack Kennedy.” Vince cut in. “No myths of Camelot. Just honest leadership.”

“How was you summer in New York other than hot?” Allison asked the proud young man.

“Great! Thank you again. I really learned a great deal from Ms. Beaumont.” Vince gushed. “She asked about you a lot. She told me that if it wasn’t for you recommendation she would have never considered me. She runs the type of law practice that I would like to work for.”

“Good to hear Vince. Now go get our ice cream after all of the walking we did today we deserve it.” Allison shooed the youngster away.

“Yes Ma’am.” He responded brightly as he rushed off.

“You know Allison if that boy really wants to make it politics, he needs to stop calling every woman over twenty five Ma’am.” Allison laughed at my observation. Then she seemed to drift off somewhere. I watched her run her long fingers threw her raven hair. I could sense that there was something more she needed to tell me. For some reason she was uncertain. “So how old are you?” I said suddenly breaking the uneasy silence.

“Excuse me!” Allison gasped as she feigned false indignation. I simply arched my eyebrows in response. “Oh all right. I will be thirty six next November.”

“A Scorpio?” I purred. “I am purring! Am I flirting with her?”

“Watch it.” Allison warned. “I for one do not believe in all of that stuff.”

“What stuff?”

“You know the bad reputation that all Scorpio’s have. That we are mysterious and secretive and …” Allison started to laugh. “Okay so maybe some of it is true. And just how old are you Dr. Grant?”

“Thirty two.” I admitted freely. I never understood why women felt a need to lie about their ages. Perhaps my self-assurance stemmed from the fact that at times I could pass for a teenager. “You know the first time we met I would not have guessed that we were so close in age.”

“Well back then I was lawyer Barbie.” Allison explained with touch of sadness. “I worked very hard to fit that image. And I did. Except for the gay part.”

“Did you ever try to hide it at work?”

“Never.” Allison said firmly. “Chris and I started at Wainwright and Griggs at the same time and she was all hung up on people not knowing. But that was the one thing that I refused to compromise on. Granted I didn’t rent a billboard in Times Square. But I never lied about my homosexuality. When I left I was on my way to becoming a named partner. But I never kidded myself. Deep down I knew that it was my name more than my talent. Maybe that is why I wasn’t afraid of being out in a very conservative law firm.”

“It was nice of you to help Vince out.” I said trying to keep the conversation going. I knew that there was something she was not telling me. It amazed me that after such a short period of time I felt as if I really knew this woman.

“He is a good kid.” Allison replied simply. “I just wanted to see him start off on the right track. Jessica’s firm is a good place to start. She does a lot of probono and women’s rights cases not to mention her constant battles with the slumlords in New York. Firms like hers will help him keep focused.” She paused for a moment and swallowed hard. This was it! I knew that she was finally ready to tell me what was troubling her. “Stephanie, there is something else I need to explain to you … about why I was …”

“Allison!” A voice called out to her. I turned to see the older woman from this morning’s staff meeting approaching us. “This town is just way too small!”

“Hello Ruth.” Allison greeted the woman warmly. I on the other hand just sat there quietly thinking, “Go away! Go away! Go away!”

“Can you tell it is the start of the semester?” Ruth laughed as she looked around at all of the people crammed into the small ice cream pallor. “Hello we haven’t had a chance to meet I am Ruth Steiner.” She said as offered her hand to me.

“Stephanie Grant.” I answered accepting her hand. “Now go away!”

“Ruth’s specialty is the effects and defects of the American Constitution.” Allison explained to me before turning her attention back to Ruth. “How is Emily?” Allison asked. “Please don’t let Emily be her daughter!”

“She is good. Right now she is at a conference in San Diego.” Ruth sighed sadly. I on the other hand smiled. “Yes she has a girlfriend!” Ruth went on about missing her girlfriend who was due home in a few hours. I had lost interest. I just wanted this woman to leave so Allison and I could finish our conversation.

Thankfully Vince arrived with our ice cream. Allison’s sundae was a mountain of whipped cream and pineapple. My fudge boat was just that a very large boat of chocolate. I would never be able to finish it. As I sampled my first bite I moaned in pleasure. “Perhaps chocolate could be the key to help me survive celibacy?”

“Oh My!” Ruth exclaimed as she eyed our gluttonous portions.

“No need to worry I will work it off tomorrow.” Allison explained. “Are we still on for tennis?”

“If you are sure that you are up for it Allison?” Ruth questioned her with concern.

“What do you mean?” Allison snarled.

“Well Allison you look …” Ruth hesitated. ” … forgive me for saying, but you look like hell.”

“Thank you.” Allison snorted. “I’m fine. I just had a late night.”

Ruth flashed a knowing smile in my direction and before Allison could correct her she quickly said her goodbyes and was on her way. Alone once again silence overcame us. So we focused on our desserts. To my surprise we both finished the mounds of ice cream. I was beyond full. “I may never eat again.” I groaned as I rubbed my stomach. “You want a cigarette don’t you?”

“No.” Allison lied as she shook her head yes.

“We probably have some time before Vince makes it back over here with the check.” I pushed. “Why don’t you finish telling what you were going to say.”

“I don’t know.” Allison stalled.

“Allison.” I pushed again.

“Okay.” She finally agreed. “Well … like I told you before Chris and I were together we were friends for many years. Before Chris and I were involved I was with someone else.”

I braced myself fearful about what she might reveal. What if she had slept with dozens of women? How could I compete with that? Of course according to everything we had agreed upon I was not in the running for Allison’s affections. Or was I?

Allison paused for a moment and collected her thoughts. Finally she cleared her throat and began her story. It was obvious that this was a very painful subject for her to recall. “When I first moved to New York … I met this woman at a local bar. Jessica Beaumont. Jessica was older and really fascinating and the kind of lawyer that I should have been. But after eight months I discovered that she had one major character flaw.”

“Which was?” I pushed once again not certain that I really wanted to hear about this woman.

“Jessica had a memory problem.” Allison sneered. “It seems that she kept forgetting that she had a husband. I was furious when I found out. When I confronted her she made it painfully clear that it was true. She had no intention of leaving him for me because she was not a lesbian. I was just someone that she cared about. This woman managed to convince herself that she was straight. Even though I had found out that I had been one of many women in her life. Jessica is so far in the closet that she would never admit to anything. Funny here she was telling me that she was straight. But she kept an apartment in the city that her hubby did not know about so she could entertain her girlfriends. And she cruised women’s bars constantly. I was amazed at how carefully she had built a barrier around her closet door. I was also very hurt. I loved her and I thought that she loved me. When I realized that she was just using me I was devastated. I was her dirty little secret.”

“Wow.” I gasped shocked at how this woman’s mind worked. I knew that I had been kidding myself about my feelings. But next to Jessica Beaumont I was a rank amateur. “So when I showed up and came on to you. A co-worker with a boyfriend you must have wanted to douse me in holy water.”

“Trust me that is not what I wanted to do with you.” Allison teased. “Stephanie this is not about you. Last night just brought back a barrage of memories. Ones that I thought I had dealt with. And I have … . but it hurts. None of this is your fault. But I have been down this road twice already and I have no intention of treating myself like that again. Been there done that! I like my life. I love my job. Yes, I would like to meet someone but I will not lose my self respect again.”

“What if …” I started to argue.

“Don’t!” She stopped me, holding up a protesting hand. “I have already ruined one friendship and gone through a great deal of turmoil. You and I are becoming friends. You also have a boyfriend, who is probably a great guy. Whatever questions or curiosity you are fighting with … I cannot help you. I was being truthful when I told you that I do not want to confuse you any further. Plus I will let you in on a little secret. Most lesbians do not want to be another woman’s first. Out of fear that it is just experimentation or just lust not love. Maybe I am being a coward. I do not know but for now I feel that I need to be honest with you.”

“I appreciate you honesty.” I lied. I really did not appreciate the obvious line in the sand that she had so clearly drawn. How dare she decide what is best for me! I knew in my heart that I did not want just Allison’s body. I wanted her, mind, body and soul. Because Chris slept around and Jessica was a big old nut job Allison Kendell would not touch me with a ten-foot pole.

“Now as your friend I think that I should take you to the grocery store.” Allison offered suddenly avoiding eye contact. “Since we both know you cannot rely upon my cooking.”

“You know where the grocery store is?” I teased her.

“I think so.” She laughed.

After a brief discussion Allison allowed me to pay the check. I wanted to thank her for all of her help. We strolled down to the local market. As we shopped we shared a cart-it made sense. I could not help but notice the looks we were receiving. As we strolled up and down the aisles we went over a list of what I needed. I felt comfortable with her as we argued over what to buy. I tried to convince Allison that fresh fruits and vegetables were a good idea. She in turn extolled the virtues of Pop Tarts and coffee. When I mentioned that I would need a table for my computer, she questioned me as to where I would put it?

“I should be able to squeeze something in.” I protested knowing that she was right.

“I have a suggestion.” She offered. “My apartment is actually two. I took over the upper floor when the old tenants moved out. I pay more but I needed the space for all of my books and stuff. I have a spare room upstairs that I never use. You could use it as a study. I mean if you would like to?”

“Are you sure?” I questioned her as I wondered, ” Just how does someone take over a second apartment and convert it? Most people would just move to a bigger place. Yet another mystery.”

“It is just sitting there. I never use the space except for storage. The good news is that there is already a desk in there. The former tenants left it.”

“Why?”

“It will not fit through the doorway. Believe me I have tried.” Allison replied. “I think it has been up there for years and somewhere along the line someone changed the doorway. Probably when the house was converted into apartments. Someone just forgot to remove the desk.”

After I reluctantly agreed to accept the use of Allison’s spare room she decided to fill me in on our neighbors. Mine was the only apartment on the first floor since the entry way was so large. Which was typical of the architecture of the time. Behind her apartment on the second floor was Hal. He was a physics professor at Haven and a transvestite, so I should not be surprised to see a man wearing a dress wandering the hallway. Above Hal was Althea she was a cop on the local police force and I may never meet her since she worked very odd hours. After she filled me in on the neighborhood gossip we paid for our purchases and drove home.

Allison helped me unload my groceries and I kept mulling over her offer. I really needed the space and I would love an excuse to get closer to her. I just didn’t want to push any harder than I already have. Lord knows I have not been the picture of diplomacy the last twenty-four hours. “Allison, are you certain that it won’t be an inconvenience my using that room?” I finally asked. ” I do not want to invade your privacy.”

“Please.” She scoffed at me. “I lead a nun’s life. It would be nice to have some company.”

“Why don’t you use the desk or the extra room?” I asked.

“The room is not very big and I have been using the same writing table since I was a teenager.” She explained as she looked for a place to put all of the can goods I purchased. “Then again we may need that space for all the food you bought.” She teased. “Stephanie I would not have offered it if I didn’t want you there. It is just going to waste.”

“So tell me what is so special about the writing table that you use?” I questioned her as I relieved her of the cans of soup she was holding.

“It was my Great Grandmothers.” She answered proudly. “Actually she was my Great Great Grandmother. The extra great just sounds a little silly.”

“Haley Ballister?” I gaped in wonderment. “She does all of her work on Haley Ballister’s desk!” The historian in me was drooling at the thought.

“Yes it was hers.” Allison confirmed. “You know that ninety out of one hundred Civil War historians have no idea who Stephan Ballister was?”

“It’s an interesting story.” I retorted. “A gentleman from the upper levels of New Orleans high society chooses to enlist in a company full of immigrants and drunkards. Why?”

“And your theory is?” She asked as she folded the paper shopping bags neatly.

“He was not your Great Great Grandfather.” I answered simply. “Excuse the extra great and any implications against your family name.”

“Please.” Allison scoffed. “You don’t even want to know how the Kendell’s made their money. As for the Ballisters they were plantation owners in the Deep South. I do not have to explain to you what that means. They made their name off of the backs of people they enslaved. Not a very proud history if you ask me.”

“Is that why the family won’t show the diaries?” I began to wonder if I was on the right track with my theory.

“No.” Allison answered with a smile. “Haley wasn’t like the others. Truth be told we have shown the diaries. But no one wanted to tell the true story.”

“You are kidding?” I was amazed. “What was in those diaries? Maybe nothing at all? Then why not just say that?”

“No.” Allison sighed deeply. “I have always wanted to. You know that Maureen is pushing me to publish.”

“I heard.” I answered quietly trying not to get my hopes up.

“Oh?” Allison smiled with a cocky grin. “My previous books were well … let’s just say they had a lot of pictures in them. Your books on the other hand are brilliant. Is there any chance that you would consider co-writing Haley’s story with me?”

I wanted to leap into her arms and not just because she had just offered me the opportunity of a lifetime. I really need to find some way of controlling my emotions. “Are you certain?” I asked carefully. “After last night do you think that you can trust me?”

“Last night was last night.” Her deep voice answered soothingly. “You are a brilliant writer and a dedicated scholar. Just because you found me attractive while under the influence of tequila is no reason not to trust you. After some ups and downs we did manage to get through today. I’m thinking that it was just the tequila talking.”

“And if it wasn’t?” I asked seriously.

“Peter.” She responded flatly.

“Do you find it strange that you mention his name more than I do?” I said quietly. “I am starting to realize that I might be doing to him what you did to Chris.”

“You make your own choices.” Allison stated sadly. “I would like to make one suggestion. Perhaps the next time you kiss a woman you might want to try it sober. It just might be harder to find an excuse.” There was something cruel in her voice that made me shiver. Jessica Beaumont’s wound may have healed; but she definitely left a scar. I was never going to be anything more than a friend to this woman. And a part of me hated her for forcing me out of her heart. A larger part of me wanted to hunt down Jessica Beaumont rip out her heart and scatter it to the four winds. I was forced to abandon my thoughts of revenge when Allison suggested that we bring the futon in and get it set up.

After we unloaded the car and set up the futon we then proceeded to move my computer into the small upstairs office. Allison even offered to have a second line installed so I would have my own Internet access. When I protested about running up her phone bill she explained that she used a cable service instead. She showed me on her own computer, it was amazing just one click and there you were. Even at the University we still had to dial up and deal with the constant disconnections and busy signals. I accepted Allison’s offer when she agreed to allow my to pay for the instillation and the small additional monthly fee.

After we finished with the computer and setting up the last of my things in the tiny apartment, we decided to relax. We sat out on the balcony of Allison’s apartment and looked at the stars. Allison opened a bottle of white zinfandel. She gave me a glass after I pledged scout’s honor not to let it go to my head. I knew that she was teasing. But I was also aware that there was just a hint of truth in her joking. A part of me was hurt and a part of me was offended. How could I be feeling so many conflicting emotions at once. As I stared at the stars I wondered had I really been living my life of just simply walking through it?

Allison excused herself for a moment and upon her return she handed me a leather bound journal. I ran my hands over it as if it were the Holy Grail. “I have read all of them. If you want to do this then you have some catching up to do.” Allison said with a smile. My heart skipped a beat at the sight of her standing there in the moonlight. “This is the first one it covers the war years.” Allison went on to explain apparently unaware of my staring.

“I cannot believe that I am holding this.” I gushed.

“I’m going to bed.” Allison answered with a yawn. “Stay if you like. I often come out here to read when the weather is good. There is something about the stars and the faint smell of the ocean. I find it peaceful.”

I thanked her as she went off to bed. I decided to stay and read. For the first time in my life I was not looking forward to sleeping alone. Normally I hated it when Peter and I slept together. I did not treasure the intimacy the way he did. Tonight I wanted nothing more. I wanted to lay beside Allison as we had this morning all warm and close snuggled up in the feather bead safe in her arms. I promised myself I would read for a short while than go downstairs to my apartment and sleep on my new futon. I sipped my wine and opened Haley Ballister’s journal. My heart skipped a beat as the musty scent from the pages surrounded me. I had dreamed of this moment for years. Nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to discover.

CHAPTER FIVE

June 10, 1862

It feels good to finally have the time to put my thoughts on paper. My old journals are forever lost since my banishment over two years ago. I am a Yankee trapped in a world that I simply do not understand. I will never return home. Home? I must learn to accept that I no longer have a home. I was a happy child living with Ma and Pa on our farm not far from Lowell. I will never utter the name of that hateful place again. The good God fearing church folk sent me away and told me that I could never return. My family made no valiant effort to save me from the disgrace. For I have shamed them in the eyes of the Lord. Now I live in another small town somewhere in Virginia. The town is called Haverstone. I am not entirely certain as to where in Virginia it is located. Haverstone is simply where I stopped. I had been traveling for so long. I walked into Haverstone as I had walked into so many towns. One looking like all of the others I have seen in my travels. I look for work but it was the same as everywhere else. I have no skills or references. I am a young girl traveling alone, which to many means one thing.

With the war there is very little work here for those who live here much less for a strange Yankee girl. I remember thinking that perhaps I should travel back North. There must be some work in New York. But I tried New York once before and the only offers I received were indecent. My first day in town had been a disappointment. When night fell I made my way to the stables. I have found that by going there late in the evening I could sometimes find an empty stall and sleep there. It was risky but I knew that I could not trust the openness of the streets. I cried myself to sleep not for the first time. I was awaken by the sight of a very large man standing over me. Fearful I tried to run but he caught me easily. I struggled to free myself. “It is all right.” He reassured me. I have heard those words from men before. The end was always the same. They would provide me with safety only if I gave myself to them. I am ashamed that I have allowed this transgression to occur.

My fortune changed when this man turned out to be different from the others. He told me of a woman who would take me in for the night and feed me. No questions asked and no payment required. I still did not trust him entirely. But the thought of a bed and food was far too tempting. I could not remember my last meal. He brought me to a grand house just outside of town. He led me around back so I would not be confused with one of the working girls. My stomach lurched as I realized where he had brought me. I assumed that he would receive some kind of payment for his new find. I had heard the women in town cackling about this place. Mrs. Moorehouse’s whorehouse. To my surprise my savoir delivered me and told me to take care and then simply left.

I turn to run out of the door when an gentle lady greeted me. Anna Moorehouse turned out to be the kindest soul I would ever meet. She took me and fed me without asking for anything in return. She only offered me a place to stay and a job as a cook. I failed terribly in the kitchen. Anna patiently tried to teach me. She made it clear that I would not become a working girl. I was no cook and I was no fool I would not live off this woman’s generosity. I needed money and it was I who offered my services to the house. Anna tried to talk me out of it. I explained that it would not be the first time I earned my way in this manner.

I was saw true sadness in the older woman’s face upon hearing these words. Finally she accepted my offer. Anna explained that if I did go to work for her in that manner that I would not be allowed to stay on. She instructed me to earn the money that I needed and then I was to go and start a new life and I was to forget this place. I quickly learned that this was Anna policy. She helped all of her girls get back on their feet and build a savings then gave them a little something extra and helped them relocate and start a new life.

Over the next few months I learned how this fine lady came to be a Madame. She was living in Savannah with her husband and child. Her husband was a doctor and her life was very proper. Until the unthinkable happened. The good doctor abandoned her and her child. Instead of receiving kindness from her neighbors she was shunned. Disgraced in the eyes of proper society. Funny her husband was a cad and yet she and her child paid the price for his misdeeds. She was left with the good doctors debts and no skills. A marked woman much like myself with nowhere to turn. Finally she sent her daughter away when she lost their modest home. Then she was turned out onto the streets and began the only trade available for a woman on her own.

Some years ago Anna’s daughter Sarah died from scarlet fever. Anna was forever grateful that young Sarah never learned of her Mother’s profession. I found myself trusting her so much. Though she never asked I told her my own story. Of how a beautiful young girl who lived from the upper levels of my town’s society, charmed me and took me to her bed. Emily and I found pleasure with one another for almost three years before our secret was revealed. Since Emily was from a good family I must have been the one who had led her down this evil road. She never defended our love or me. She lied saying that I had been the one who seduced her into committing unnatural acts. I begged her to speak the truth and tell them of our love. She turned her back on me and I was driven out of town and told never to return.

The days are slow. Saturday nights is when we really have to work. Haverstone was out of the way so Mrs. Moorehouse’s little hide away just outside of the neighboring towns was ideal for discretion. Many of the men we entertain travel in groups. I soon discovered that many of them were not really interested in coming to a whorehouse but it was what is expected of them. Men are such unusual creatures. Many of them are happy if you just sit and talk to them. They marry women for business reasons and not for love. Now they find themselves alone with no real companionship. This does not mean that they do not want me to touch them. But they so many seem to enjoy the conversation more. Of course it does not matter if they do or do not touch me. The moment they depart my chambers they are boasting to anyone who will listen about their grand exploits. Those who have no desire to converse are at least quick about their business. For this I am grateful. I have no desire to share my bed with them any longer than necessary.

With the war coming closer and closer even our Saturday crowds have dwindled. With spend most of our time waiting for the soldiers. The soldiers are trouble but at least they are quick with their business. Many of the girls have left knowing that they can make more money by following the troops. I prefer to stay. I enjoy Mrs. Moorehouse’s company and I feel safe here. Anna and I spend our days just talking dreaming of the day when she can turn this house into an Inn a real Inn. This of course is just a dream.

I must confess even though I do enjoy Anna’s company I have enjoyed a few evenings with some other the other girls who have chosen to stay on. I do not apologize for my actions. I do not enjoy the company of men. I only wish that I could feel something more than desire or friendship for those ladies with whom I share my favors.

*****

I put down the journal briefly. So Allison’s Great Great Grandmother was a working girl and a lesbian. That couldn’t be why nobody wanted to tell the story. In this day in age that is hardly scandalous. I could not help but feel sympathy for Haley. She was trapped in a cruel world forced to sell her body just to survive. So how did she meet Stephan Ballister? I took a sip of my wine and continued.

*****

June 11, 1862

We have received word that some soldiers are coming to call upon us. They are from New Orleans I think. Some of the other girls warn me that they are a rowdy group. They are know for their drunkenness and the company is mostly foreigners. Men are men none are to trusted. Sharla told me to go after the men in the Gray uniforms if I can. They are the officers. I find this puzzling. Don’t all of the rebs wear gray? Sharla explained that in this company they wear a more colorful uniform with stripped pants and straw hats. How unusual. Can you imagine straw hats in battle? The more Sharla and the others tell me the more I become concerned.

These boys from Louisiana have an unsavory reputation. Of course I know from experience that talk can be just that. But still I am worried. I expressed my concerns to Anna while we were unloading the fresh shipment of spirits. Anna quieted my fears. She knew her girls and would select their companions carefully. Admittedly some of the girls do like the wild ones. Anna knew me and she knew people. She could size up a man’s character in the blink of an eye. A skill she claims to have learned after her husband left her high and dry. She has assured me that my companion or companions for the evening would be gentle or fast. Still I am relieved to hear that she has hired on some extra help for the evening. Some local boys who are big and strong.

Before the war Anna had been hiding run away slaves. Some of them have stayed on to work for her fixing up the house and keeping the peace. Anna has strict rules for the patrons for a price you can drink as much as you can handle and keep company with one of her girls. But any man who raises his hand in anger will find himself tossed out into the street wearing nothing but a promise that he would never enter her house again. As unsavory as our trade is Anna tries to maintain some dignity. Not one of us has chosen this path. The rules of proper society has left us no other choice. Someday Anna promises that we will no longer have to sell our bodies. I want to believe her.

Sometimes I find it difficult to understand this woman. Before the war I know she helped runaway slaves. But now she uses her house to gain information to help the Confederacy. When I questioned her about this she simply shook her head and explained that she is a southern lady and that was that.

June 14, 1862

I am still reeling from the events of last evening. The boys from Louisiana arrived and brought with them many surprises. Sharla had been truthful about their strange attire and fondness for the bottle. More than one of the lads found themselves thrown out into the street. Anna pulled me aside to tell me that she had found my beau for the evening. He was a Sergeant and a gentleman from a fine New Orleans family. When I looked at him I was shocked. He was nothing more than a boy. How could someone so young fight much less hold such a high rank? There was something about his slight stature that I found attractive. I have never looked at a man in that manner before.

Anna explained that it was his birthday and some of his companions had paid for his present. His present of course was to be me for the entire evening. I immediately became fearful at the thought of spending an entire evening with someone. Anna quickly calmed me. His comrades had explained to her that they feared that the poor boy was a virgin. He was young and if he was indeed a virgin this would be an easy night for me. I agreed. I remember as Anna escorted me across the room to meet my new beau that I barely caught his name over the noise. He name was Stephan James Ballister. I took the young man by the hand and led him upstairs while his company cheered him on. As they shouted their encouragement I noticed that a smile never crossed his face. Although it was difficult to see since he kept his hat pulled down so that it cast a shadow over his features.

Once we were alone I went to touch him. He refused. I tried to encourage him. Yet he still refused. I remember thinking that this was going to be the easiest money I ever made. I explained to the boy that my services had been paid for and he could have a warm bath that based on his odor he was in much need of. I also offered him my bed to sleep in. He could tell his buddies in the morning that he showed me the time of my life. “Why would I lie?” He asked me in the softest gentlest voice I had ever heard. I quickly informed him that he should lie, since his friends were convinced that he was pure and if he refused me they might think that he did not care for the company of women. I silently feared that this might be the boy’s problem.

He laughed heartily. “So this is why they have chosen such an odd present for me.” He smiled for the first time. I liked his smile. “I do like women and I have known the pleasure of their bodies. I just do not believe that a woman should be forced to sell herself.” He explained. In anger I told him that unlike a man I had no choice. “I know.” He answered me with such sweet sincerity that it almost broke my heart. I thanked him for his kindness. He was a real gentleman and I have not met many in my life. Seeing him standing before me refusing my favors on sheer principle was something new to me. I told him that he should at least enjoy a bath and a good night’s sleep. Suddenly he seemed to become very uneasy. I tried to explain that he could not return downstairs before dawn or his troops would lose respect for him. And he certainly would not be sleeping in my bed smelling the way he did. “You smell like a pig sty.” I teased him as I removed his hat and ran my fingers threw his hair.

There was a sadness in his eyes that captured my heart. I kissed him. He returned my kiss with such passion that I have not felt in a very long time. His kiss also told me that he had been truthful. He has known the touch of a woman before. When our lips parted I was left wanting more. For the first time in my life I wanted a man. This man. I looked into his deep blue eyes and suddenly I knew. I could not believe that I had not seen it before. How had so many others missed it? Stephan was not a man.

God had smiled upon me and sent me this dashing woman who now stood before me. The sight of her set my body on fire. I ran my fingers down her long neck and kissed her again. This time when our lips parted it was she who was breathless. “How could I have not seen it before?” I asked her. Her face changed quickly as the words escaped me. She was afraid. I quieted her fears quickly as I kissed her again. I told her that I would never reveal her secret but I did want her to accept her birthday present.

She protested that she still did not believe that I should have to sell myself. She also informed me that it wasn’t really her birthday it was Stephan’s. I did not care if it was Robert E. Lee’s birthday! I wanted her.

“Think of it as a gift for me then. It has been so long since I have known the pleasure of a woman.” I whispered in her ear.

“Then you are like me?” She whispered back.

“Yes, we are the same.” I answered her.

CHAPTER SIX

Well I certainly didn’t see that coming! I was overcome be weariness and could not read any further. Reluctantly I closed Haley’s journal and retreated downstairs. Curled up on my futon I could almost hear Haley’s words “Yes, we are the same.” I fell asleep with the image of these two women. One in uniform while the other explored the secrets that laid beneath. “Yup this is helping with my confusion!”

I was awaken by the sounds of Allison’s morning concert. Today it was Cher. I groaned as I rolled out of bed. The futon was comfortable but not as comfortable as the feather bed in Allison’s big brass bed. I had to stop this. I was going to get over my feelings for Allison if it killed me. “And it just might!” There I stood and my first thoughts of the day were of Allison. “Yes, we are the same.” Echoed in my head. Granted not the most poetic way to say it but still it was so simple and honest. I had so many questions. I showered and dressed quickly for my first day of classes. As I checked the lines of my skirt I wondered if maybe I should dress more casual. The way that Allison does. Perhaps the students would be more at ease with me and I would be more comfortable.

The aroma of coffee drew me upstairs to Allison’s apartment. As I walked in without knocking I told myself that I needed to stop being so familiar. That like Allison I should put some distance between us. I should have never accepted her offer to use her spare room. I vowed that I would use my new study only when I absolutely had to. As I passed the couch I could see Allison’s tennis bag. She had a game planned with Ruth. Perhaps I should go? Allison emerged from the kitchen dressed in blue jeans and a simple white oxford. She warmed with her smile as she walked over and shut off the music. “Coffee?” She asked me brightly. “I bought some milk yesterday.” She added in sweetly.

I thanked her and accepted the coffee. We went out on to the balcony and sipped our coffee. Allison made some comment about it turning into an Indian summer and how she could never live in the Midwest. I agreed after these few weeks at Haven I knew that I could never live that far from the ocean again. She invited me to come up on Saturday to watch the women’s finals of the US Open. I happily accepted quickly ignoring my earlier vow of distance. I did caution myself not to read too much into her invitation. When I inquired about when her match was with Ruth, she quickly explained that they had already played.

For a brief moment I thought I caught Allison’s sneaking a peak at my legs. Suddenly I was happy I had chosen the simple gray skirt that landed just above my knees. All of that working out finally seemed to be paying off. “Getting court time once the semester starts is a real pain.” Allison explained as she gave me another careful glance. “Yes she is looking all right!” “But it worked out. Ruth was so tired from her girlfriend’s home coming that I was able to trounce her in straight sets. Ruth is a great player you two should play sometime.”

“You really love tennis.” I said simply trying to distract myself. “So tall dark and brooding does find me attractive!” I must admit that I do look good today. I’m so glad that I cut my hair. With the new shorter style I no longer look like I am still in high school.

“I know it is a stereotype.” Allison teased. “If tennis were a religion Wimbledon …”

“Would be it’s cathedral.” I cut in. “I love that ad.”

“What did you think of my Great Great Grandmother’s diary?” Allison questioned me slyly.

“I wish that I could have stayed awake to finish it.” I sighed. “I have so many questions.”

“I bet you do.” Allison added knowingly. “Before I answer your questions and I will not answer all of them. I want to know what it is about my ancestors that interested you in this story?”

“Okay I know I have told you some of this already but here goes. When I first came across Stephan Ballister I began to question his identity.” I began to explain.

“Why?”

“Because he was a proper gentleman from New Orleans who opted to serve in a unit filled with immigrates.” I explained. “No one from his station in life would have done so. And from what I have learned about him prior to the war it was not in his character to do so. Plus he was already enlisted in a unit more appropriate to his station. He was a corporal in a rifle company along with many of his school chums.”

“True. His rank was earned solely by his station in society and no he would never associate with anyone he felt was beneath him.” Allison added.

“So why run off and join Company B?” I went on. “A man in his position would have stayed with his peers. He joined Company B in the middle of the night. I never believed the story that he was eager to join the battle. Everything I read about his life prior to the war indicated that he was not that kind of man. Granted it makes a great story but somehow it does not ring true. Here was a guy who leased his slaves out to farmers in Texas because he knew that the war was coming. He would not take the chance that his slaves would be freed. He also started building business dealings in England and sold equipment and supplies to the North just to make a buck. Which I think he hid in England.”

“All true.” Allison confirmed. “So the great old southern tale is nothing but lies.”

“Yes.” I agreed. “Enraged by the approaching Yankee troops as they made their way down the Mississippi River he runs off to join the fighting immediately. Telling his sister to be brave and that he will return. That is also hard to believe since everything prior to the war indicated that they got along about as well as Newt and Candace.”

“Oh yes his sister.” Allison chuckled. “Eleanor the spinster school teacher, who dies when the Yankees burn down the family plantation.”

“Now she was an abolitionist?” I inquire.

“Yes.” Allison answered. “You certainly have studied this. Eleanor worked for the Underground Railroad prior to the war. I have a feeling that she was not very popular with her family or anyone else in New Orleans.”

“You know what nailed it for me.” I explained. “I came across a letter from a man named James Belmont. He had written to his wife. Now Belmont had known Ballister from New Orleans and he claimed that the man he met at the Battle of Cross Keys was much smaller and younger than Stephan Ballister. He suspected that he was a boy who was too young to enlist, so he simply stole Ballister’s name. He also went on to say that he would not expose the young man since despite his youth he was one hell of a soldier.”

“You are a very clever woman, Stephanie Grant.” Allison complimented me.

“Not that clever.” I confessed. “Never in my wildest dreams did I suspect that Stephan James Ballister was a woman.”

“No.” Allison replied with a smirk. “Stephan James Ballister was a man. Master Sergeant Ballister was a woman.”

“Who was she?” I demanded.

“Keep reading.” She teased.

“Brat.” I growled in frustration.

“Come on where is your sense of adventure. This way you will enjoy the mystery more.” Allison gave me a cocky grin. “You are so very close to the truth.”

“I think I know.” I confessed. “I cannot understand how it happened. It never ceases to amaze me how history can be distorted so easily. Stephan Ballister is remembered as a brave soldier of the Confederacy who ignored his station in life to fight for his home. He will always be remembered as a fallen hero.”

“Not when we get done with him he won’t.” Allison stated bluntly. “Ballister was a piss ant who bought and sold human beings simply because he thought it was his right to do so. You know that we are going to take a great deal of heat from the southern historians.”

“I know.” I sighed. Never have any of my books been a source of controversy. “What the hell if you are going to shake up your life Stephanie you might as well go all the way.” “They have been extolling his virtues for over a century. Then again these are the same historians who have been writing that Anna Moorehouse was a widow who ran a little Inn.”

“And Haley was a simple farm girl who bravely carried on her husband’s memory.” Allison added. “Although by the end of the war the whorehouse was in fact an Inn. But they washed away the fact that it was originally a house of ill repute ant the noble Mrs. Ballister had been a working girl.”

“Speaking of which …” I began with hesitation. “… are you certain that you want to expose your Great Grandmother?”

“Of being a prostitute or a lesbian?” She asked pointedly.

“Either.” I swallowed hard as I answered her.

“She was not ashamed of her homosexuality.” Allison stated firmly. “And she was always very honest about what society had forced her to become. She had no options it was either sell her body or die. I think that she must have possessed amazing courage to survive everything that she did. Her story was never hidden away from us like some deep dark secret.”

“I can feel her strength as I read her words.” I told her honestly. “I just cannot figure out how she managed to marry a woman and have a child by her? After all this was long before the days of the turkey baste babies.”

“Now where did a nice girl from Connecticut learn about that?” Allison teased me. “Stephanie you are so very close to the answers.”

“How can I figure out Haley’s life when I cannot figure out my own?” I said absently.

“You are close to that too.” Allison said with a hint of hope in her voice.

“Thank you.” I told her sincerely.

“For what?”

“For sharing this with me.” I responded as I touched her arm gently.

She did not answer me. Allison just closed her eyes and ran her fingers threw her hair. “Where do you go when you do that?” I could feel her drifting away from me. “What secrets are you hiding Allison Kendell?” Perhaps there were no secrets. Perhaps she simply wants to pull away from me and all of my baggage. I try to convince myself that she does not feel the same way that I do. But somewhere in my heart those words ring false. We are the same.

CHAPTER SEVEN

Upon arriving at our office I was greeted by Grace. It amazed me how the woman could complete any task assigned to her and then collate it. Grace handed me my mail and informed me that I had something waiting for me in my office. I walked in to find a very sweet arrangement of roses in a porcelain vase sitting on my desk. I did not need to look at the card to know that they were from Peter. Like other offices woman began to find excuses to drop by my office. Everyone wanted to know who they were from and to compliment me on my thoughtful boyfriend. Everyone except Allison. She never said a word. Instead she simply retreated to her side of the office and busied herself with work.

The card was typical of Peter, Good Luck on your first day. I miss you and cannot wait to see you. Love, Peter. Granted he was no poet, but he could still pull at my heartstrings. If only I could feel for him what he so apparently feels for me. Life would be so much easier. I called him to thank him for the flowers. The sound of his voice failed to sway me from what I now know to be true. Since that night with Allison I keep catching myself looking at women in a new way. One night of lust had opened a Pandora’s box and there seemed to be no going back.

It was clear to me that if I am gay or not doesn’t matter. I needed to end my relationship with Peter. I was not being fair to him. “You keep saying it but you are not doing anything about Stephanie. Because I am realizing that I was using my best friend to complete some half-ass plan I came up with years ago. Okay quit your whining you are going to have to do this in person. This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done.” It was time for my first class for the moment I could forget about Peter.

My classes went the way I had expected. The usual grunts and groans when I explained the work load. The usual scrambling for pen and paper when I began my lecture. I tried to relax and make things light and fun the way that Allison does. But as I faced the same blank stares that I have faced so many times before I knew it was useless. How did Allison do it? I reviewed the final exam for her summer course, and based on the questions she did in fact manage to cram a great deal of history into those six weeks. Somehow she made it fun. I was encourage when I noticed one young man in the front paying close attention to me. Until I realized that he was interested in me and probably had no clue as to what I was saying. Now if my legs and breasts could give the lecture this guy would pass with flying colors. The poor thing left at the end of the lecture with his textbook carefully placed in front of himself.

When I returned home I began to fix dinner. I decided to make a home cooked meal for Allison. A thank you, I lied to myself, for all of her help. I changed into a pair of old blue jeans and a tattered Yale t-shirt and began to boil the noodles for a lasagna. Just as I was about to start layering the noodles and cheese the telephone rang. It was Peter. We talked casually as I prepared Allison’s dinner. He wanted to know how my first day went. I informed him that it was the same as always. He was so sweet and supportive and told me not to worry. As we talked I quickly mentioned that perhaps we could get together before our anniversary. There was no way I was dumping him on our anniversary! His excitement over my suggestion filled me with even more guilt. Poor Peter he deserved better than what I had to offer him.

Peter and I talked for over an hour while I cooked. It felt good to talk to him and it reminded me why he was my friend. I just wished I could feel something deeper for him. While the lasagna cooled I said my goodbyes to Peter. I went to my bathroom and quickly checked my appearance in the mirror. I combed my short blonde hair and brushed my teeth. When I looked up into the mirror I saw something reflected in my green eyes that I honestly never saw there before … desire. I brushed this thought aside and headed out to my tiny kitchen. I grabbed two potholders and retrieved the lasagna and made my way upstairs to Allison’s apartment.

Allison smiled when she opened the door and discovered me standing there. “Food!” She exclaimed happily as she ignored me and stuck her head down to inhale the fragrance of the fresh baked meal. “And Stephanie.” I teased. “Yeah … yeah now bring the food in.” Allison teased. Allison let me in and ran to fetch some plates and forks. We settled in and ate our meal. It was so comfortable. After dinner Allison cleaned up. I had offered to help but she insisted. “No way you cooked. I will clean. Coffee?”

“Sounds good.” I answered as I rubbed my sated stomach.

After the coffee was brewed we sat on closely on her couch. But not close enough to touch. With our legs tucked under ourselves we sipped our coffee as I told Allison how my first day of classes went. “They never expect a lecture on the first day.” Allison sighed shaking her head. “I don’t care if they are freshmen or seniors it always comes as a complete shock.”

“So you lecture on the first day?”

“Of course.” She confirmed. “This isn’t Junior High.”

“I just wish that I could get my students involved the way that you do.” I stated with regret.

“I’m sure that you can.” She said honestly. “Your books are exciting and you are a bright intelligent woman. I’m sure that you will get through to them.”

Allison stood to refill our coffee cups. I watched her as she moved. There was something about this woman’s presence that made me insane. Maybe it was her long dark hair or the way she would tilt her head just slightly when she was about to say something. Then again maybe it is the baby doll T-shirt that is clinging to her breast. “I have got it bad.”

“Speaking of books…” I started as she reentered the room hoping to distract myself. “Thank you again for Haley’s journal.”

“You are welcome.”

“Yeah, it was just what I need to reading right now.” I added in a sarcastic tone.

“What do you mean?” Allison responded in confusion.

“Nothing. It just that I spent years dreaming of reading this woman’s diary.” I shake my head at the irony I was about to reveal. “And when I finally get the chance to read it … I am swimming in a pool of sexual confusion. So what do I find on the very first page … two women kissing!”

“I’m sorry.” Allison blushed as she spoke. “I never looked at it that way. I always found the romance to be sweet. But I must admit I was always grateful she never got graphic. After all she is my Great Great Grandmother and the idea of intimacy is well … you know … yuck. It is like thinking about my parents doing it.” Allison shuddered at the last comment.

“Now come on Professor Kendell.” I laughed. “How did you think your parents got you?”

“Don’t!” She warned me. “My parents never had sex.”

“Allison your parents had three children.” I pointed out.

“They never had sex.”

“Allison if you want I can book you on a trip down a certain river in Egypt. I’m pretty certain that I have built up frequent flier miles by now.” I know that I shouldn’t tease her but she was just too cute when she was flustered. “As for Haley’s diary, she may not have been graphic but there is some pretty hot stuff in that old diary.”

“What are you saying?” She pried.

“I guess what I am trying to say is that it wasn’t the tequila.” I replied quietly hoping that maybe she would not hear me. By the stunned expression on her face I knew that she had. “Since that night I have been reviewing my life and there were so many woman and girls that I had such obvious crushes on. I cannot believe that I never saw it before. The other night was like a bright neon sign telling me it was time to wake up.”

“Wow!” Allison gasped. “That has to be the quickest coming out in history.”

“Not really.” I sighed deeply. “It took me thirty three years to stop lying to myself even though I had experimented more than a little in the past.” Allison cast a knowing smirk and flashed those baby blues at me. “When did you come out?”

“Which time?” She laughed.

“What do you mean?” I asked in bewilderment.

“Let’s see first there was this girl in High School.” She admitted shyly. “While we were together I came out to myself and my sister. Then after we stopped messing around I managed to convince myself that it was just her and I started dating this boy named Kenny.”

“You are kidding?” I was shocked. Allison seemed so at ease with her sexuality.

“Hey I have the prom pictures to prove it.” She joked. “Then the summer after High School he came out. Then I went out with another guy, Ralph. I think he was seeing Kenny on the side. Then there was Paul and he also turned out to be gay. Then I went to College.”

“Wellesley.” I added.

“Nothing but women.” She laughed. “After half a semester of trying to convince myself that I had not met the right guy I had an affair with this girl. That was it I finally came out. To myself and my friends and family. I have been with women ever since.”

“Were there many?” I asked not really wanting to know the answer.

“Yes.” She answered honestly. “Before New York I played the field. Which is funny because when I was dating guys I managed to keep my virginity. “

“That’s because they were all gay.” I laughed. “And correct me if I am wrong but hadn’t you already lost your virginity to that girl in High School?”

“True.” Allison confessed. “The subconscious is an amazing thing.”

“Tell me about it.” I agreed. “I’m with Peter because he is safe. My father ran around on my Mother and I knew that Peter would never chase after another woman. I never stopped to think that I might. Why did I never let myself see myself?”

“Are you sure about this?” Allison questioned me in a very serious tone. “It seems so sudden?”

“It isn’t.” I answered honestly. It was amazing up until a few moments ago I was still telling myself that I was confused. Or at least I thought I was confused. But there I was ready to say it and knowing that it was the truth. “Allison I am gay.” A wave of relief washed over me. It felt so good to finally say it. “And even if I wasn’t a Jan Brady girl leaving Peter is the right thing to do. I am not in love with him.” “Wow that was so easy! But now how do you tell her that you think you are falling in love with her? I am? Of course I am. Come on no more hiding.”

I reached across the sofa and touched her lightly on the thigh. Now was the time to tell her everything. She seemed to sense what I was about to say she leaned closer to me. I moved my body closer to hers. I could feel my heart beating out of control. I never wanted to kiss anyone so badly. I felt her strong fingers gently caressing my cheek. I tilted my head up as she leaned down towards me. I could feel her breath on my face. I swallowed hard knowing what I wanted. The telephone rang breaking the spell. Damn it! Allison jumped up and closed her eyes. I watched as her back tensed. She paused for a moment and excused herself to answer the annoying ring. The moment had passed. I stood and brought my coffee cup into the kitchen. It was time for me to leave. As I approached her bedroom door I could hear the tension in Allison’s voice. “That is not my problem Chris.” It was then I decided that I could stay awhile longer. “I do not understand.” I heard Allison protest. “Well you are the lawyer … I know that I still am … but only in the technical sense.”

I mentally slapped myself for eavesdropping and made my way back into the living room. While Allison continued her conversation my mind bounced back to what almost happened between us and the fact that she was now talking to her ex-girlfriend. Allison finally emerged from her bedroom. She was visibly upset. “I’m sorry about that.” She apologized and then stood there awkwardly. “Timing is everything.” She muttered to herself.

“Problem?” I asked finally.

“Nothing important.” I could tell that she was lying.

“It is amazing.” I said shortly. “How do you do that? How do you just shut down like that?” How could you be ready to kiss me one moment than turn to ice the next?

“Stephanie …” She began as she closed her eyes once again. “… look I think it is great that you are coming to terms with everything …”

“But.” I added knowing that it was coming. She looked at me with a startled expression. Then her face grew cold.

“But there is still a guy out there sending his girlfriend flowers.” She finished bluntly.

“Allison Kendell the portrait of virtue.” I sneered not knowing who I was really angry with Allison or myself.

“Oh sure that is why I defended the tobacco industry.” She flared suddenly. Realizing what she had said she turned away from me. This was something that Allison obviously had no intention of letting people know.

“You what?” I gasped in horror.

I could tell by the look on her face that she was desperately struggling for words. I swallowed hard and calmed myself. It wasn’t easy. “The tobacco industry! Jesus Christ these were the bad guys. Weren’t they? Calm down Stephanie deal with that one later for now focus on what started all of this.” Okay I had flown off the handle and I had no idea why. Allison had made her position clear and that position was that she was not an option. Despite all of her warnings I had crossed the line yet again. I took a deep breath and calmed myself. I touched her innocently. “Allison.” I began softly as I watched her chewing on her bottom lip. “Let’s stop this right now. I should have never tried to … . to start anything again. It was not my intention when I came up here tonight.”

“No I’m the one who is sorry.” Allison groaned. “You keep blaming yourself as if I did nothing. Then I am the one who gets upset. Damn why is this so hard?”

“Hey forget it.” I said gently. “Look we can stand here all night apologizing and blaming ourselves or I can go downstairs and get some sleep.” Allison smiled at my suggestion and we said our goodnights at a distance.

I retreated downstairs to the only woman that I was going to be with that night … Haley Ballister. I changed into my favorite flannel pajamas since the nights had grown cold in more ways than one. I picked up Haley’s journal and started to read where I had left off. It was June 14, 1862 and the war was raging and a young Haley had just met a beautiful woman in uniform.

~~~

As I unbuttoned the jacket of her uniform I thanked God for sending this vision of beauty to me. I removed her jacket slowly and then I unbuttoned her shirt. Beneath her garments I discovered bandages that she had wrapped tightly around her bosom. As I unwrapped each one I felt the excitement of a child on Christmas morning. Even now as I sit here writing these words my body tingles as I recall the sight of her nakedness standing before me. I poured a hot bath. Anna had instructed me to prepare the hot water for my special guest earlier. At the time I had no idea just how special my guest would be.

I lowered my beauty into her bath. Her face glowed. After all that she has endured the hot water must have felt like walking through the pearly gates. While she soaked in the warm water. I gathered up her clothing and raced down the back staircase. I gave them to Sam on of the handy men. I paid him what little money I had to have him clean and stitch the uniform. I know that washing the uniform of a southern officer was not a pleasure for Sam. I had to plead with him to do it. Finally he agreed to do it for me. Washing the clothing of any white man was the last thing Sam every wanted to do again. But for me he did it and refused to take my money. In a few days Sam was to be heading north. I know that I would miss him and I was truly sorry for what I had asked him to do. But I could never tell him my true reasons why.

Upon returning to my room I found my sweet angel just as I had left her. I washed her back and gently scrubbed her raven hair. With each touch I felt my heart beating faster and faster. After bathing her completely, I stood beside that old tub and disrobed. I stood there exposing all that I am. She smiled at the sight. I climbed into the bathtub offering myself to her. With each touch I could hear her pleasure. She pulled me to her body and kissed me as I had never been kissed before. As she released me she asked me to take her to bed. How could I refuse? I obeyed without protest.

I dried off my soldier and led her to my bed. I pulled back the bedding and lowered her down onto the bed. We laid together our bodies touching. I kissed her neck and tasted the sweetness of her shoulders. I looked into her deep blue eyes and swept her black hair from her face. I kissed her again and again. I asked her name. She did not answer. “Tell me your name. Before I give myself to you I must know who you are. Your secret will be safe with me. But I must know who has captured my heart.” Never had I needed to hear anything so desperately. “Eleanor.” Was all she said before taking my body.

We loved until the call of the rooster disturbed our bliss. We pulled the bedding around us and held each other tightly. Each of us knowing that this could be the last time we would ever see the other. I asked her where she had come from before finding herself here. “We just finished out running the Yankees in the Shenandoah Valley. We walked for days. I thought we would never stop walking. But Old Jack got us into trouble and we had no choice but to keep moving ahead of the Yankees.” I was amazed by the courage that my love possessed. Yes I think of her as my love. Perhaps this is presumptuous of me but I cannot help myself.

I asked her why she was pretending to be a man. She explained that Stephan was her brother and that she knew that the Yankees were approaching and New Orleans would more than likely fall. Stephan had sold off everything he could not carry with him and then he ran to Florida. Eleanor thinks he may be in England by now. I was stunned. I asked how he could just leave her behind. She explained that Stephan was a coward who did not care about their home. She laughed as she told how because of her actions in battle Stephan would be remember as a hero while everyone thinks that she died in the fire that claimed the family plantation.

I had so many questions for my lady. Eleanor answered as many as she could. Before the war she had been a schoolteacher in Baltimore. After the incident at Fort Sumter she returned home and continued to run slaves to the North. She had been involved with helping free slaves for many years. Home was a large plantation in New Orleans, which her brother controlled. According to Eleanor he was a scoundrel. He had sent their parents to Newport so he could take over the plantation in their absence. Now they were trapped in Rhode Island and he had taken the family fortune. This bastard even tried marrying her off to an elderly neighbor. Stephan had hoped to gain control of the neighboring plantation.

When word reached New Orleans of the Yankees approach, most of the troops left to fight with General Lee. The Southern Navy would never hold the Union Army on the Mississippi. Stephan fled and Eleanor took his place and raced down to Natchez and joined Company B. Because of Stephan’s social standing she was made an officer. She wasn’t afraid of dying and she had killed others in battle. She was afraid of being captured or discovered. Her fear was that she could not rely upon her captors to behave like gentlemen. She made it clear to me that she was not fighting because she believed in slavery. She did not. She was fighting because New Orleans was her home. She told me that even though she was a woman she did understand that this war had nothing to do with slavery. I do not understand what she means by this.

When she left my bed this morning in her freshly pressed uniform I was breathless. She promised to return to me if she could. Until then I will have my memories of her touch. The sweetness of her taste and how I held her body. Unlike Emily this woman gave herself freely and took only what I offered. I was so taken with her that I offered her everything.

June 25, 1862

I find myself unable to perform for my guests. My only thoughts are of Eleanor. Is she safe? She promised to write but she needed to be cautious with her words. Each day I pray to hear something. I need some sign that my love is alive and will be returning to me.

August 4, 1862

More of the girls have left as well as most of the hired hands. Still no word from Eleanor. Anna and I busy ourselves with the much-needed repairs to the house. I no longer wish to entertain gentleman. Anna has agreed that it is time to close the business and convert the house into an Inn. Our carpentry skills are lacking and the roof will not stop leaking.

August 13, 1862

Anna has received some news. There was a battle at Cedar Mountain a few days ago. Our boys rallied and Jackson led them to victory. Strange that I now think of the rebs as our boys. Many of the boys fell but Anna has heard that my young sergeant is alive and well. Thank you God! I pray for her continued safety so that someday she may come back to me. It is strange the war is all around us and yet it can days sometimes weeks for us to find out what is going on. Where are you Eleanor?

August 15, 1862

I am truly blessed. Eleanor and her unit returned. They could not stay long. Many of them were disappointed that there were no longer woman to entertain them. Anna offered them food, bathes and a dry place to sleep. This pleased the weary men. I could barely hold back when I saw her walk threw the front door. I grabbed onto her and rushed her upstairs. After we made love, I returned downstairs and helped Anna care for the others. When they were finally settled down for the night, I returned to my room and Eleanor’s waiting arms. What I shared with this woman was more than passion. I gave her my body, my heart and my soul. She left me before dawn. She promised to return as soon as she could. I begged her to stay. She refused explaining that they had a truce with the Union Army so they could bury the dead.

August 20, 1862

I praise Jesus for Anna’s unknown sources. For they have set my mind at ease once again. It seems that the truce was not honored. More fighting broke out. But Eleanor’s unit was not involved. They were engaged in a small skirmish elsewhere. Fortunately it was not serious. Each I day I look out over the hills that surround this small town. I know that just over those hills somewhere is the one who has captured my heart. Each dawn I look for her to come back to me.

~~~

I finally closed Haley’s journal for the night. After reading everything that this woman endured so bravely and without question, I suddenly felt like a wimp. Here a sat in my comfortable home, lacking the courage to break up with my boyfriend. Disgusted with myself I turned off my reading lamp and crawled under the covers and drifted off to sleep.

I walked into our office Allison had departed quietly in the morning without her usual fan fair. I found her sitting at her desk working intently on her computer. I could smell cigarette smoke in the air. I walked over to her and gave her a knowing glare. I looked behind her file cabinet and discovered what I was seeking. There nestled behind the file cabinet was a pack of Merits. Without a word I retrieved the half of pack of cigarettes and brushed past her. I opened the window behind her and unceremoniously tossed the cigarettes out of the window.

“Brat.” Was her only response to my actions.

I brushed past her without bothering to comment and proceeded to my desk. I placed my briefcase on my desk and returned to her side of the office. I slumped down onto the couch adjusting my the pleat of my skirt. “I missed my morning concert.” I said softly.

“Things to do.” She replied without looking up. “Here we go again. One step forward and two steps backward.”

“I can see that.” Was all I could muster up to say. If she did not want to talk, I was not going to force her. We continued to sit in an uncomfortable silence. The only sound was the constant clanking of Allison’s keyboard. It was hard for me to fathom that just last evening I was a hair’s breath away from kissing this woman and this morning I was being treated like a redheaded stepchild at a family reunion. The typing stopped. “Don’t push Stephanie for once let her come to you.”

“I can not believe that you threw my cigarettes out of the window.” Allison said finally looking at me. I laughed as she tried to intimidate me with her classic scowl. I shot her a look that said nice try. She just flashed me a cocky smirk.

“It is for your own good.” I explained calmly. “What are you working on?”

“Notes for our book.” Allison offered blankly as if nothing had happened between us. I did not know if I should be angry or relieved.

“Great.” I answered with enthusiasm. Relief was the option I selected. “So it was Eleanor. What an incredible story.”

“It is going to upset people.” Allison stated bluntly.

“Do you care?”

“No.” She answered firmly. “Now that you know ask me anything.”

I smiled at the offer. “Anything huh? So Allison could you ever love me?” Sure ask you anything but the one thing I really need to know. I decided it was safer to stick to the book. “Did Stephan make it to England?”

“Yes.” She answered. “But he did return briefly near the end of the war. He had changed his name to Arthur Fennimore. He sailed back when he heard that the Confederacy was certain to fall. Then he began to buy up property from the war widows.”

“What a sleaze bag.” I choked. “First he runs away then he comes back and takes advantage of those who stayed and lost everything. I mean if he had some moral objection to the war I could understand his leaving.”

“He had no morals.” Allison answered shaking her head in disgust. “While he was hiding in England he was selling arms to both sides. Just as everything is about to come to a close he hopped on the first ship heading to the States. Then he buys up land dirt cheap.” I groaned in disgust. “It gets better.” Allison sneered. “While traveling through the South ripping off widows and orphans he hears about a young Sergeant from New Orleans.”

“No!” I gasped.

“Yes.” Allison confirmed. “I don’t know if it was curiosity or his over sized ego but he decided to pay a call on the widow Ballister. Haley’s diary is a little sketchy on the subject. I get the definite impression that he blackmailed her into sleeping with him. The timing was just close enough that everyone assumed that it was her husband’s child.”

“Nice guy.” I blanched. “Okay now Eleanor died in battle.”

“No.” Allison teased. “The end of the war was approaching. Eleanor sensed that the Confederacy was about to surrender so she deserted. She was terrified of being captured.”

“Since she could not rely upon the union soldiers to behave like gentlemen.” I cut in recalling the words from Haley’s journal. “But many women were discovered passing as men and they were treated very well.”

“She could not have known that.” Allison added sadly.

“Tell me just when did she marry Haley?”

“Just after Eleanor returned from Gettysburg.” Allison explained. “She had been wounded. Though it was not serious she became concerned that she may not live until the end of the war. They were very much in love and Eleanor knew that by marrying Haley she could give her respectability. With one simple ceremony Haley went from fallen woman to an officer’s wife.”

“Well, this certainly explains a lot.” I said absently lost in thought. The historian in me was thrilled beyond belief. “In Haley’s diary she said that Mrs. Moorehouse’s daughter Sarah had died in childhood. That confused me since I remembered that my earlier research led me to believe that when Mrs. Moorehouse and Haley and her son moved up North, Sarah Moorehouse had traveled with them.”

“It was easy enough to pull off.” Allison explained knowing that I had figured out how Eleanor stayed with them. “After the war everything was in upheaval. And with no birth or death records. While they were still in Virginia Eleanor simply kept out of sight. If anyone asked they simply explained that she was Sarah Moorehouse. No one in the area had ever asked Mrs. Moorehouse about her past. Those who had known her before she became a prostitute knew that she had a daughter who she had sent away.”

“Whatever happened to Stephan?”

“He returned to England and from there I have no idea what happened to him.” Allison answered.

“I will research that.” I volunteered.

“Great.” Allison responded finally sounding relaxed. “There are some more papers and Eleanor’s journal at my parents house. I will get them when I go home for Thanksgiving. Or as we call it Football Day.”

“Why Football Day?” I was intrigued.

“Because my Grandmother is a Native American and if you mention anything at all to do with the Pilgrims she goes ballistic.” Allison laughed.

“I can understand where she might have a problem with that.” I added. “I can not believe that after all of these years I finally know the truth.” I said with joy. I knew that I wasn’t simply referring to the mystery of Stephan James Ballister. “I am looking forward to working with you Allison. I hope that after the past few nights that we still can.”

“Don’t be silly.” Allison chastised me. “I was a jerk last night. It was the phone call. It was from Chris. It seems that my old law firm is being investigated. Some of my old cases have come into question. She wants me to go down to New York and work on the case.”

“Will you?” I asked suddenly frightened by the thought of Allison leaving to work closely with her old flame.

“No.” Allison snorted. “I am not a lawyer. Even though I still pay my bar dues. But I only do that to keep my parents happy. The only time I practice law is when I do some pro bono work for a woman’ s shelter in Boston. Chris my have been a lousy girlfriend but she is a damn good lawyer. I’m certain that she can straighten out this mess without my help. I am not worried. I may have been a complete bastard but I never broke the law. Bent it a few times but never broke it.”

“Speaking of which …” I wasn’t certain that I wanted to bring this up. But it had been a nagging thought in the back of my mind since she mentioned it last evening.

“The tobacco industry?” Allison asked directly.

“Well yes.” I stammered. “I know that it none of my business. But I cannot see you doing something like that. I lost my Grandmother, the person who raised me to cancer.”

“I’m sorry Stephanie.” Allison answered sincerely. “I was a different person then. I truly believed then and now that everyone is entitled to a proper defense. My clients were major players in the industry. When I took the case I convinced myself that it was just another case, I was simply doing my job. Both sides of my family tree is loaded with tobacco plantations. Hell I smoke. If you recall back then the tobacco guys were winning. I was winning. Then one night I was working late per usual and I came across one of those now infamous internal memos. It made me sick. I packed everything up. Then I walked into one of the senior partners office. One who had the misfortune of also working late that evening. I quit on the spot. I went straight home to tell Chris. I found her in bed with another woman.”

“Wow!” I gasped. “Your job and your girl all in one day. What did you do?”

“Came home.” Allison asserted brightly. “I moved back in with Mom and Dad. I went back to school and I just started over again. I am finally happy. It is amazing really. Your life can change so quickly. For me it was when I read that memo. I knew then how much I hated my life and I was living a lie.”

“So is that why you won’t teach the course of the history of the tobacco industry?” I asked.

“I can’t.” Allison said simply. “It would be a violation of Attorney Client privilege. When I wrote my book I had to be very careful. Even though it was about the history of advertising cigarettes and I never once said or implied anything negative. The boys from Wainwright & Griggs went over it with a fine tooth comb.”

We ended up talking about our book for a while then Allison left for one of her classes. Per usual I watched her walk out of the room. I honestly do not know which I prefer more, watching her enter a room or leave it. The rest of my day went the way of the previous. Inside I felt a gnawing in my stomach knowing that I needed to break up with Peter. I also knew that I needed to get over my feelings for Allison. Last night my actions caused her to pull even further away from me. When was all of this going to make sense?

I found myself in my last lecture of the day and I was not looking forward to returning home. I was about half way through my lecture. My students were not interested. Most of them were looking at their watches. It was then that I saw a face hiding in the back of the lecture hall. Her head was resting in her hand. “Am I keeping you awake Professor Kendell?” I asserted boldly. The class was stunned. The turned and sought out Allison. Many of them seemed amused by her presence. After all Allison was one of the most popular instructors on campus. No wonder Stan did not like her. She just flashed that cocky grin of hers in my direction. “So Professor Kendell what is your opinion of the Free Masons?” No way I was letting her off the hook. This time she was in my classroom.

“A bunch of white guys creating a secret society?” She yawned. “What is so special about that?”

The look on my face must have been priceless. “Is she challenging me? The nerve of this woman. How could she be doing this to me? For the first time in ten years I had an overwhelming desire to kick Allison Kendell’s arrogant ass!” She just arched that eyebrow and flashed that cocky smirk at me. “Tell me Dr. Grant why do you find this subject interesting?” She was challenging me! The nerve of this woman she comes into my classroom and challenges me in front of my students. I looked around at my students who were visibly stunned. No way I was going to let her get the better of me. I squared my shoulders and stared her down.

“Well Professor Kendell since you are so interested in the subject allow me to enlighten you.” I began to explain to her. I was on fire. I focused solely on the raven-haired beauty that had challenged me. “The Free Masons started out with a very noble ideals. Today the organization tries to reflect these ideals and offers a more inclusive membership. But in the beginning the structure of the society was very exclusive. Not intentionally but when you form a secret society these things happen. They drew the guild practices from the medieval stonemasons. The first Grand Lodge was organized in London in 1717. During the American Revolution the Masons were active in the Revolution and continued as a force in later politics. George Washington is known to have been a member of the society. It is rumored that his life was spared during the war when the British discovered that he was a mason.” I was meeting her challenge. How dare she? First I find her napping in my class then she called me on the carpet regarding the subject matter. I had no choice I let her have it with both barrels. As I spoke about the intricacies and history of the Free Masons, I was on fire. Suddenly so were my students. For the first time in my teaching career my students were asking questions. When it came time to dismiss the class many students approached me with more questions. I gave them some references and explained that I did not want to get too far ahead on the first day. Some of them seemed disappointed and wanted to know more about the infamous murder.

Finally I managed to clear the classroom. I approached Allison who was still sitting in the back looking very pleased with herself. “For the first time in my teaching career my students were paying attention and not because the final was coming up. Thank you.” I explained to my new friend.

“You love what you teach.” Allison told me flatly. “They do not need to love it as well. But let them see why you do.” She placed her hand over her heart. “Make it personal. Teach from here.”

“I don’t know how I can thank you.” I said honestly.

“Buy me dinner.” She laughed.

“Deal.” I agreed. “Chinese all right?”

Since it was a nice night out we decided to walk into to town to the Jade Garden, Haven’s only Chinese restaurant. Over dinner we talked nonstop about everything. We discussed Haley and the war. I was mesmerized by everything she had to say. I found myself staring at her neck and the slight hint of cleavage her blouse was exposing. Allison had unlocked so many doors for me. Thinking that she might be leaving in the spring suddenly made me feel empty. “Is this how Haley felt each time Eleanor left her?”

CHAPTER EIGHT

A week later I returned to our office after teaching one of my classes. I walked in to find a raven-haired woman searching the contents of Allison’s desk. Although I could only see the woman’s hair instinctively I knew that it was not Allison. “Hello?” I called out to the stranger. Her head popped up and I was greeted by a familiar smile. The same hair, cheekbones and cocky grin. The only difference was her eyes they were definitely not her sister’s dazzling baby blues. No Nicole had deep brown eyes. Of course the first time we met I don’t think I ever saw her eyes. In fact I seemed to recall that during our entire luncheon the woman never removed her sunglasses. “You’re not Stan.” She said slyly.

“What was your first clue?” I teased.

“No bow tie.” She said dryly. “And you have much nicer legs.”

“Ah that Kendell charm.” I sighed.

“What can I say?” Nicole smiled brightly.

As she stood and I noticed that Nicole stood a few inches shorter than her older sister. “Why do get the feeling that when the two of you were growing up nobody’s sons or daughters were safe?” I could not help but feel the Kendell charm emanating from this woman. Nicole just laughed. “Stephanie Grant.” I extended my hand knowing that the chances of her remembering our first encounter was slim to none. Nicole accepted my hand and shook it warmly. “Nicole Kendell.” She greeted me. “But you already knew that.” She added in a questioning tone.

“Actually we met years ago.” I answered hesitantly.

“Oh Dear.” Nicole sighed. “What did I do?”

“How do you know you did anything?” I asked.

“Law of averages.” Nicole answered flatly. “Come on. You will have to fill me in on just how big of a jackass I was. To be perfectly honest most of the nineties are a bit of a blur to me.”

I was more than a bit surprised by this woman’s candor. “Well you and I had a luncheon meeting that you drank your way through and then stuck me with the check.” I explained hoping that I would not offend her.

“I’m sorry that really doesn’t narrow it down for me.” Nicole explained. “So tell me Princess is there more?”

“It is not important.”

“I’m afraid it is.” Nicole added honestly. “You see I take my steps very seriously. One of the twelve steps is that I need to apologize for the transgressions I committed while I was drinking. So out with it what did I do?”

“Well I was working on my thesis and you agreed to arrange a meeting with your sister so I could see the family diaries.” I explained.

“No?” She was shocked. “Wow I must have really been pissed off at Allison. I’m sorry that I set you up. That wasn’t a nice thing to do.”

“Water under the bridge.” I brushed it off.

“More like gin under the bridge.” Nicole added with a smirk. “Hey I don’t want you to be uncomfortable. I spent far too many years lying and hiding my drinking. I am a drunk.” She said with a shrug. “I no longer hide it. Instead I prefer to have it out in the open.”

“No problem.” I replied warmly. This was definitely a different woman than the one I had met almost a decade ago. “So why are you ransacking your sister’s desk?”

“I need a smoke.” Nicole explained as she resumed her search. “What can I say I traded one vice for another. I had the train ride from hell on the way up here. There was this kid behind me who only stopped coughing and sneezing long enough to kick the back of my seat. His Mother was too preoccupied with his screaming sibling to notice. I swear that family follows me everywhere.”

I couldn’t help myself but smile. Nicole was so much like her older sister. “I hate to be the one to break it to you … but Allison is trying to quit smoking.”

“Yeah … yeah.” Nicole snorted. “I am very familiar with how the Amazon tries to quit smoking. She always keeps a pack hidden away for emergencies.”

“Well she did have a pack tucked behind the file cabinet …” I grimaced recalling my actions. “… but they met with an unfortunate accident.”

“Get away from my desk.” Allison’s voice boomed from the doorway.

“Whatever Amazon.” Nicole grunted at her approaching sibling. “Where are you cigarettes?”

“Someone threw them out the window.” Allison growled as cast an accusing glance in my direction.

“Got her trained already.” Nicole chuckled. “Good for you! Don’t you take any crap from the Amazon here, sometimes she is just too butch for her own good.”

“Se tromper, petit soeur.” Allison said quickly.

“Menteur!” Nicole scoffed. “Lesbienne?” “Well that last word was fairly easy to figure out?” I thought to myself. “The only other word I understood was petit. So what do we have little lesbian. I so do not like where this conversation is going!”

“Non… ” Allison stuttered and was answered by a disbelieving glare from her sister. ” … oui … complique’!” Allison groaned in frustration. It felt like I was watching a foreign film without the benefit of subtitles. The only sense of relief I felt was I now knew who Allison had been speaking French to a few weeks ago.

“Qu’est-ce qui se passe?” Nicole pushed.

“Rien du tout!” Allison asserted. But Nicole just stared back at her in disbelief. “Mon ami.”

“Excusez-moi!” Nicole chuckled. “Pourquoi? Une belle femme. Vous etes d’accord, n’est-ce pas?”

“Oui.” Allison sighed as she looked at me. “Elle est vashement belle. Ce n’est pas bon.”

“Quelle dommage.” Nicole looked sadly over at her sister.

“Excuse me ladies.” I chimed in. Enough was enough. “I would like to point out that someone in this room doesn’t speak French and she is standing right here. Normally I wouldn’t mind but I get the distinct feeling that I am being talked about.”

“No.” Allison lied.

“Yes you are.” Nicole volunteered as she was greeted by an icy stare from her sister. “What? Well we were.” Nicole scoffed. “Get over yourself Amazon and take me to the lunch you promised me. Stephanie would like to join us? Stretch is paying.”

“Uh Nicole … I asked you to visit so I could discuss something with you.” Allison explained looking suddenly embarrassed.

“Okay.” Nicole began slowly. “So you want to talk about Stephanie when she is not in the room.”

“Couillon!” Allison spit out.

Nicole’s jaw dropped. “I’m telling Mom.” She threatened. Allison just glared at her sister. “Sorry Ally.” She said quickly. “Stephanie it was a pleasure meeting you. I’m sure that we will meet again.” Allison started to push her sister towards the doorway. “Hold on Ally.” She slapped her sister away. “Stephanie I want to apologize again for what I did to you before.”

“What did you do?” Allison flared angrily.

“I will tell you at lunch. Now feed me.” Nicole demanded.

I watched them arguing their way out of the doorway. They exchanged a few more phrases in French which I was quite certain should not be translated in public. “My God, their Mother must have the patience of a saint.” I thought to myself. “Maybe the brother is normal?” I said aloud.

Later that evening I returned home alone. As I stepped up onto the porch I could hear the Kendell sisters bantering just outside of Allison’s apartment door. “Nicole did you listen to anything I said at lunch today?” Allison’s voice rang out in frustration.

“Yes.” Nicole responded calmly. “Did you?”

“What is that suppose to mean?”

“Allison I let you rant and rave about this tired ass list you have for why you should stay away. Frankly if you believed any of it you wouldn’t need to keep saying it. I would like to add that maybe you need to have an operation to remove that stick that is so firmly shoved up your …”

“Nicole!”

“The truth hurts?” Nicole added gently. “Ally I love you but you are driving yourself insane over this. I listened to all of your excuses. I also saw the way you looked at the girl.”

“News flash little sister. I’m a lesbian she is an attractive woman I checked her out. Big surprise!” Allison argued.

“That wasn’t lust I saw in your eyes.” Nicole countered. “Well not just lust. Allison you are very lucky she had her back to you when you entered the room. I never thought I would see you look at someone like that. I’m happy for you. Why can’t you allow yourself to be happy too? I understand your track record hasn’t been great.”

“Better than yours.” Allison shot back.

“Liz Taylor has a better track record than I do.” Nicole teased. “Of course she has been married fewer times than I have. Allison stop taking care of everyone but yourself. You have worked so damn hard to get to this point in your life. Take the next step. She isn’t Chris or Jessica and she is certainly not Brenda. And frankly not a one of them deserved you. I like this girl and so do you.”

I was touched by Nicole’s endorsement. Granted I was only assuming that it was me they were discussing. I suddenly became very aware that I was once again eavesdropping. I stepped into the hallway and made presence known. “Hi.” I called out sheepishly to the approaching pair. “Hi.” Nicole responded in a surprised tone.

“Hey you are just getting home?” Allison smiled at me.

“Wait you live downstairs?” Nicole laughed uncontrollably. Allison nudged her sister. “What? You going to call me a bastard again?” Allison held up a finger in warning, silencing Nicole.

“I’m going to drive this idiot to the train station.” Allison explained. “Unless you want to change your mind and let me drive you home?” Allison asked warmly.

“The train is fine.” Nicole responded gently.

“You know if you let me help you get your driver’s license back you wouldn’t need to take the train.” Allison pushed.

“I don’t know.” Nicole began hesitantly. “That judge was very clear that he would see to it that the Commonwealth would never grant me another drivers license while I was still breathing. At least I think that is what he said, I was pretty loaded during my hearing.”

“I’m sorry I missed that one.” Allison groaned.

“Well my DUI hearings were like my weddings. If you missed one you could always catch the next one.” Nicole teased.

“Nikki …” Allison began sadly.

“Hey I need to face what I did.” Nicole said firmly suddenly looking much older than her sister. “You can’t save me. I’m the only one who can. This is the way it works.”

“I hate it.” Allison grumbled.

“I know.” Nicole sighed. “Now if we are done sharing with the neighbors I have a train to catch.”

“Come on.” Allison conceded.

“Bye Stephanie.” Nicole addressed me. Then she pulled me aside and whispered, “Good luck. Just remember she isn’t as strong as she thinks she is.”

“Thanks.” I whispered in response as she pulled away.

Allison looked at us suspiciously. “Come on.” Nicole ordered.

“Uh huh.” Was Allison’s only response as she eyed the both of us.

I watched the siblings bickering as they strolled over to Allison’s car. Suddenly I was relieved that I had been an only child. Personally I don’t think I could have survived that kind of stress on a day-to-day basis. Two things were clear. One was that deep down Allison and Nicole adored each other. The other was that Nicole was definitely in my corner. The only question was … would Allison listen to her? I was exhausted. Normally I would have waited for Allison’s return. But tonight I think that maybe she needed time to think about what Nicole had said. I showered and put on my favorite flannel pajamas and crawled into bed. I was fast asleep before I knew it. My dreams were filled with visions of a certain dark haired beauty.

CHAPTER NINE

September passed slowly, and with autumn approaching the leaves were beginning to turn. Fall in New England; there is simply nothing else like it in the world. You could smell the changing of the season in the air. It would soon be October and I have been working side by side with Allison mostly in silence. Every time she would open up she would quickly retreat further back. I knew that a part of it was that I had yet to break up with Peter. I knew that I needed to end things with him. I also knew that I would need to face him when I did it. I just could not stand the thought of seeing him hurt. So I never drove down to see him as I had promised. I had postponed the inevitable. Now our anniversary was here and he was coming. This was the wrong time to do this. Could I spend the weekend with him just to spare his feelings? God could I be that much of a hypocrite?

Breaking up with Peter was something that I never thought I would ever consider doing. I was not in love with him and worst of all I had never been in love with him. My declaration to Allison was the truth. I am a lesbian. I no longer held any doubts about this. I noticed women everywhere, not just Allison. But Allison was the one who had captured my heart. Not that it mattered since she still made it abundantly clear that she was not interested. Of course, I was also at a loss as to how I was going to tell Peter. “I mean just how does one leave their long time boyfriend because they have come to terms with their latent homosexuality? Face it, Hallmark does not have a card for this one.”

Well at least the book was going well. I had since finished reading Haley’s journal. Her life was so captivating. Eleanor had served bravely at Gettysburg, and after being wounded the two married. A bold decision but one that did provide Haley with respectability. They saw little of each other during the war but each time was memorable. As I read of their endless devotion and love it would fill me with desire. I often found myself laying awake at night wondering what would happen if I dared to climb up the staircase to Allison’s door. Would she be there with open arms or would she simply slam the door in my face?

I sat in my little study in Allison’s apartment. I was reviewing notes for our book while Allison was downstairs in the kitchen making coffee. It felt so comfortable to share this tiny space with her even if our conversations over the past month had been brief. It seemed that Allison was determined not to take her sister’s advice. She was getting very good at avoiding spending time with me. She was always busy with one thing or another. At first I simply tried to convince myself that Allison had a full life long before I walked through her door, but lately her excuses were getting a little flimsy. You would think that someone with such a fine education would be a little more creative!

I was finished with my work for the evening, yet I was hesitant to leave. I knew that I should return to my own apartment, but still I was unwilling. I decided to reread some of my favorite passages from Haley’s journal. I always found the passages from Gettysburg enthralling so I settled in and began with those.

~~~

July 4, 1863

We have received word of a bloody battle on a farm in Pennsylvania. Many lives were lost to the Union and Confederacy. I sit here and wait for some word. All I know is that Eleanor’s unit was involved. Please God let my love come home to me.

July 7, 1863

Still no word. Mrs. Whitman who has the farm down the road has received word that her boy Beau has fallen. He was all that she had left and Anna has offered for her to come and stay at the Inn until she can reach her sister in Richmond. Where are you Eleanor? The waiting is driving me mad.

July 8, 1863

Panic filled my heart when there was a knock on the back door last evening. I have learned that no good news comes at that hour of the evening. This time I was mistaken. There she stood her arm wrapped in a sling. Eleanor was alive and well. Her wound thank the good Lord is not serious. She feared being exposed more than the bullet that grazed her shoulder. In Mrs. Whitman’s presence Eleanor was kind enough to keep up her charade. Mrs. Whitman doted on the poor girl. When we were finally alone she told me what she could of the events that occurred at Gettysburg. I was horrified as she explained that the smell of blood was everywhere. Eleanor claimed that it filled the earth and the air. She feels that the smell will haunt her for the rest of her days. I begged her to stay with me. Once again she refused. She could not abandon her men now that they had lost so much. She tells me that I cannot imagine the horrors they witnessed with the coming of each dawn. I knew that the words she spoke were the truth. I could never understand what she has seen. For three days Eleanor and the others that endured the battle vowed that they would continue to fight until the war was over.

I could still see love and warmth in her blue eyes, yet now they are clouded with sadness as well. Then she asked me to grant her a favor. I agreed without asking what it was that she wanted. She smiled and asked me for my hand. I was confused. How could we?

“Marry Me.” She insisted. Eleanor calmed my fears by explaining that with the exception of Mrs. Moorehouse the world outside thought of her as a man. No one will question their marriage. “Marry Me and I promise that I will return to you. I promise that we will both live to be very old and die in each other’s embrace long after this century has past.”

How could I refuse her? We were wed this very morning. Our neighbors came out to witness our union as old Reverend Stamford gave us his blessing. One of the ladies from town was kind enough to allow me to wear her wedding gown. She explained that she had no daughters to pass it along to and she could not think of anyone finer to wear it. Strange how war changes things, not more than a year ago these same people all but shunned me. I must admit that with Eleanor in her freshly pressed dress uniform and I all in virginal white we made a striking couple. After dancing into the late hours of the evening we went up to our room and began our honeymoon. With my neighbor’s blessings I took this wonderful woman to my bed.

~~~

I sighed deeply as I wondered what Haley’s neighbors would have said if the knew the truth? In one brief moment Haley was transformed from fallen woman to the wife of a prominent New Orleans gentleman. I almost wept as I read her words. I prayed for the day that I would promise the woman that I loved that I would grow old with her and would only leave her side when I departed from this earthly plane. I flipped threw the journal until I found another set of passages that I was fond of. These events occurred later in Haley’s life.

~~~

April 4, 1865

Petersburg and Richmond have fallen! It is unthinkable. The Yankees are approaching and there is no word from my beloved. I saw her briefly only a few weeks ago. There is something else troubling me. A man has arrived in town by the name of Fennimore. I do not like him. He is an unsavory Englishman who has been buying everything he can get his hands on. He has been asking a great many questions regarding my husband as well. He frightens me. He also seems strangely familiar. Is he one of the many faceless gentlemen I entertained in the past? I will do my earnest to stay away from him, which is difficult since he has taken up lodging here. Anna is keeping a watchful eye on him.

April 5, 1865

It is with a heavy heart that I write these words … my love has died in battle. A cannon ball ripped her poor body apart. A blessing I am told since it is unlikely that she suffered as life passed from her. I am thankful for this and that the manner of her death made it impossible for her true identity to be discovered. But how could she leave me? How dare you break your promise to me Eleanor! You promised me that we would grow old together. I am forced to wait to join you and I am tempted to cut my time away from you short. Something is holding me back from joining you my beloved.

April 6, 1865

Shame has befallen me. Mr. Fennimore was not who he pretended to be. He is in fact the real Stephan James Ballister. He confronted me only hours after hearing of my beloved’s death. He laughed at the thought that someone had died a hero’s death for him. Then he joked that he should thank the chap. Then he … I cannot say what he did. I regret that I allowed him to be alone with me. Stephan is not the gentleman that his sister is. To protect her memory I gave into this snake’s blackmail. When he finished his business, (rather quickly I might add proving that he is certainly not the lover his sister is either) he informed me that it was an adequate down payment. “Burn in hell.” were my only words to him. He just laughed cruelly.

His laughter was cut short as my bedroom door crashed open. Stephan was dragged from the bed and slammed onto the floor. A boot planted firmly across his throat and a pistol placed against his temple. “Still chasing after my women are you Stephan!” A familiar voice growled. I do not recall who was more shocked me or the unfortunate Mr. Ballister. He trembled and begged for his life. “Still the coward?” Eleanor scoffed as she ordered him to leave. He left with his life and a promise that if he ever came near Eleanor’s family again she would be feeding his sorry carcass to her dogs. She dragged her brother from my room without ever glancing at me.

April 7, 1865

I did not sleep. I waited for her to return but she did not. My only companion is my journal. Finally Eleanor returned. She greeted me wearing one of Anna’s old dresses. I tried to explain everything to her and begged for her forgiveness. But she silenced me with a kiss. “I trust you and I know him. You did nothing wrong, this I know in my heart.” She explained to me. How could she forgive me so easily? I simply looked into her eyes for what seemed like an eternity. Finally I raised the two questions plagued my thoughts how is it that she is alive and why was she wearing a dress? She laughed at my curiosity over her attire. Then she explained that the war was over and the south was finished. She could not risk capture so she boldly exposed herself to Jack Hammstead her Corporal. After he recovered from the shock he helped her run away and faked her death in such a manner that no one would ever know the truth.

During the night she and Anna cooked up a scheme. Anna was out spreading the news that her daughter who had been living abroad somehow made it through enemy lines and rejoined her Mother. They both agreed that Eleanor would take Sarah’s name and stay close to the Inn away from prying eyes.

My love kept her promise and I know that we will be together always. Although in some ways I am going to miss that uniform. God has smiled upon this lost soul.

~~~

It amazed me how much these two women truly loved each other. How dangerous it must have been for them. Every waking moment threatened them with exposure. After the Ku Klux Klan began to make their presence known they decided it was time to leave. Along with their young son and Mrs. Moorehouse they made their way to Boston and then traveled north. Finally they settled in Salem, Massachusetts where they opened a small Inn. There they lived out the rest of their lives. Eleanor was finally free to go outside and into town. They lived happily until the day that Eleanor finally did break her promise to Haley. In the winter of 1899 she died. The war had left many scars on her body and mind. Haley forgave her for leaving her far too soon. Haley lived out her remaining days as she put it “with the memories of the sweetest love anyone could have known. She left me but she will always be with me.”

CHAPTER TEN

October passed in much the same manner as September. I managed to find a great many excuses not to visit Peter. I know that I should have been braver and end things, and I felt very guilty stringing him along that way. At least my classes were going well. Never before had I been able to express myself so well with my students. Allison had been right. I opened my heart and showed them why I loved the subject matter so dearly. History I explained in one of my lectures was part story telling, that the facts often changed to please the public and the other half was a life lesson. Since history truly does repeat itself, all of us need to heed the lessons from the past. Miraculously my enthusiasm invoked their enthusiasm.

The one bright note was that work on our book moved along much faster than I had anticipated. I sent out the rough drafts to my publisher since Allison no longer had one. Pauline Kwan had been my editor from the beginning. She was thrilled with the early drafts and clamored for more. She was disappointed that we had not started work on the manuscript sooner. “It would be perfect for the holiday season.” She gushed. She promised that if Allison and I could complete the final draft by the date she had set she could guarantee us a release date in the fall. I promised her that we would try. Allison worked equally as hard on the project as I did. But I longed for a more one on one working relationship with her.

This became increasingly harder to do since Allison began spending most of her weekends in New York. It appeared that the problems at Wainwright & Griggs were not going to be resolved quickly. I was becoming jealous of all of the time she was spending with Chris. I knew that I had no right to be jealous but hell I am human. But my suspicions would disappear each time Allison would return home. The constant traveling and pressure were beginning to weigh heavily on her. She was sullen and moody most of the time. The only time she seemed truly happy was when she was teaching.

Each time she returned home I prayed that it would be her last trip to New York. In my heart I knew that I could not trust Chris. Mrs. Giovanni seemed to agree with me. I also began to resent Chris for taking up so much of Allison’s time. Even when she was home, Chris was constantly calling. Allison and I rarely spent time together and when we did it was strictly business. Despite my feelings of jealousy I was more concerned on the toll all of this was having on Allison. I needed to get her to relax and this was no small accomplishment these days. All of this constant traveling and nonstop work was not good for her.

On the 28th of October I found myself working in Allison’s apartment. Several times during the evening I tried in vain to get her to laugh but nothing seemed to be working. I finally gave up and focused on our book. As we went over the mundane details of the book I forced myself to maintain a professional atmosphere. We were very close to finishing. Everything was coming down to rechecking dates and information. All I needed to do was read Eleanor’s diary. Allison had filled me in on the content as much as she could and her father would often fax or email passages to us. But I needed to see the journal for myself. With all of Allison’s traveling she did not have a chance to visit her parents. I would just have to wait until she returned from the Thanksgiving Holiday as we originally planned.

“Where is Eleanor buried?” I asked as I watched her stoke the fire.

“Salem.” She responded in her usual business tone. With each passing day she was becoming more and more like the lawyer she had been when I first met her. She stood from her duties at the fireplace. The glow of the fire illuminated her features. I could feel my heart racing. She was so beautiful as she gazed over at me. For the first time in almost two months she looked into my eyes.

I could not take my eyes off of her. She looked at me and I could feel the heat and it was not emanating from the fireplace. There was something in the way that she looked at me. The kindness and the joy I had not seen in her for a very long time seemed to return. Standing before me was the woman that I had first fallen for. The flames let out a loud snap and we were both brought back to reality. She closed her eyes and pinched her nose and she was gone again.

“What was I saying?” She asked as she began rubbing her eyes.

“Eleanor’s grave.” I prodded her with regret.

“Right.” She opened her eyes and looked back up but not at me. “She is buried in Salem. In fact Eleanor, Anna Moorehouse and Haley are all buried in the same little cemetery.

“We should include a picture of their headstones in the book if we can.” I stated dryly. “Your family doesn’t have one by any chance?”

Suddenly Allison was laughing loudly. “Uh no. Not exactly something you put in the family album.” Her face was alive suddenly.

“Maybe I could go down to Salem sometime and get one.” I said carefully not wanting to jolt her out of her happy mood.

“We could go now.” She suggested enthusiastically.

“Are you serious?” I asked her awkwardly. It had been far too long since Allison had suggested that we do anything together. But a trip to a cemetery?

“Why not?” She pleaded. “It’s still early enough. If we hurry we can just make it before it gets dark. Please!”

“You are serious.” I asked as I shook my head in disbelief. “But won’t the cemetery be closed at this hour?” I wanted to spend time with Allison but it was late and cold and this was a cemetery for pity’s sake!

“This little graveyard is locked up constantly.” She answered plainly. “Oh so now it is a grave yard? I so do not like where this is going!” Allison just looked at me pouting. “Come on Stephanie what could be more fun than breaking into a grave yard in Salem three nights before Halloween?” I don’t know … gum surgery? “Please Stephanie if I don’t get out of here and doing something fun soon I am going to snap.” Allison begged.

“Allison …” I could think of a thousand reasons why this idea was completely ludicrous. I had to admit though deep down I wanted to go. I had never done anything like this before. I was always the voice of reason or the wet blanket depending upon your point of view.

“Chicken.” She taunted me. Okay so now it is a dare! Well that changes everything!

That was all it took, I grabbed my shoes and stood up off of her sofa. “Come on then!” I ordered meeting her challenge. “Put the fire out and get your keys Kendell.” On that note I raced downstairs. As I waited for her I quickly checked my reflection in the side mirror. I looked good and my blue jeans and turtleneck should be fine for the trip. I ran my fingers through my short blonde locks quickly to make myself more presentable. Of course I was overlooking the fact that Allison had seen me all day long.

She met me at the car carrying a long wool coat, her digital camera and a flashlight. “Come on Kendell, daylight is burning.” I hollered after her. She laughed at me as she climbed into the car. “You will need a jacket.” She chastised me. “I am fine.” I argued as I climbed into the passenger seat. Along the drive to Salem I put a CD in. I knew her driving selections very well at this point. I selected an Aretha Franklin CD in hopes that Allison would lose herself as she drove and start to sing along. She did not disappoint me. Allison possessed a beautiful singing voice.

One of the reasons that I had become so familiar with the CD’s that Allison kept in her car was because when she would leave for the weekend she would leave me the keys to her precious Subaru. The reason was so that I could run errands for Mrs. Giavanni. But she also made it clear that I could take the car for whatever reason I needed it for. “Just don’t let Mrs. Giavanni go to the market by herself!” Some weeks this was the only conversation we exchanged. I was touched by her concern over our elderly landlady and her trust in me. The downside was that since I had access to a car I could have driven down to Rhode Island anytime I wanted to. I reasoned that I wasn’t avoiding seeing Peter I was just staying close so I could be there for Mrs. Giavanni.

Salem was a short twenty-minute drive away but twilight was approaching quickly. The traffic was insane. I did not think that it was possible but the drivers in downtown Salem were actually worse than those in Boston. The quaint streets, which twisted and turned for no apparent reason were jammed pack with people. “Tourist season.” Allison scoffed.

Allison drove like a woman on a mission. I thought I would like to come back someday and see some of the sights that were whizzing past us. She turned the car onto upper Essex Street and found a parking space in front of a white colonial style house. A sign at front informed me that it was the Ropes Mansion. “We are lucky.” Allison beamed. “Parking around here can actually be worse than downtown Boston. Especially this time of year.” As she locked up the car Allison informed me that the Ropes Mansion like many homes in Salem was rumored to be haunted. “Was she purposely trying to scare me?”

I chose to ignore her comments and endless ghost stories as we made our way down the cobble stone side walk. “This entire area was known as Flint’s pasture.” Allison explained as she pointed to the end of the street. “So what happened there? A mass murder?” I wondered as we continued our journey. “That big red house at the end was built in 1706. During the 1800’s it was part of the Underground Railroad. In the 1930’s it was a tea room and then at one point an inn.”

“And now?” I asked with enthusiasm grateful that there was no creepy tale connected to the story.

“Apartments. Filled mostly with college students.” Allison answered sadly.

“Is it haunted as well?” I teased.

“Of course.” Allison answered seriously. I was suddenly regretting that I had asked. “This is Salem, Stephanie. If you don’t have some kind of specter running loose in your abode the neighbors will talk.”

I ignored her attempts to frighten me as we made our way up the street. “Here we are.” Allison announced gleefully as we approached a large wrought iron gate. I looked at the padlock securely in place and grimaced. I looked through the bars at the tiny graveyard with its small headstones. The sight was strangely out of place on this residential street. Someone had kept up the lawn but it was painfully apparent that teenagers liked to hang out there as well. As I contemplated just how we were going to make our way into the graveyard I shivered from the cold.

Without a word Allison removed the long wool coat she was wearing. I looked at her questioning this action. She just shrugged her shoulders as she draped the camera around her neck and tucked the flashlight into the back pocket of her black jeans. “Would you like to go first?” She asked as she looked around. I adjusted the taller woman’s coat so I wouldn’t look like one of the seven dwarfs. “How?” I questioned her. My question was answered as she cupped her hands together and offered me a boost. “You are not serious?” I gasped thinking my companion had finally lost her mind.

“Come on.” She urged me. “Hurry before someone sees us.”

I do not know what came over me as I wrapped Allison’s coat around me and stepped into her waiting hands. I grabbed the gate as I felt her body lift me up. As I climbed up the gate I stopped only for a moment when I reached the top. I checked to make certain that I would not catch the large coat on anything. Then I jumped down with a thud wavering slightly upon my landing. I looked around the graveyard as a chill ran threw my body. This time it was not from the cold. Night was falling and this was not where I wanted to be. Allison made her way over the gate with ease. “You have done this before.” I commented. She simply gave me that who me? Expression. She smiled as she pulled the coat tighter around my body. Then she headed off to the far left hand corner of the graveyard. Two large elm trees shaded this section of the graveyard. Beneath the tree stood three gravestones side by side. Anna Moorehouse died 1872. Sarah Moorehouse died 1899. Haley Ballister beloved wife and mother born January 18, 1844 - died October 28, 1929.

“I am going to do these in black and white.” Allison said as began to take the pictures. “I think gravestones look better in black and white.”

“Haley died today.” I said as a shiver ran threw my body.

“I think I got some good shots here. But we can check them on the computer when we get home.” Allison answered as if she had not heard me. Then suddenly her eyes flew open as my words hit her. “What did you say?”

“October 28th.” I explained. “She died today.”

As the words escaped my mouth a branch above us snapped and fell to the ground in front of us. I jumped into Allison’s arms and she pulled me closer to her. Allison pulled the flashlight out of her pocket and looked around. “It got dark very fast.” I said with a shiver.

“Well you know … Fall in New England.” Allison said in a frightened tone. “Maybe we should go?”

“I think you are right.” I answered quickly pulling myself away from the comfort of her body. As we turned I grabbed Allison’s arm. “Jesus don’t do that!” She snapped as she jumped slightly. “I’m sorry.” She offered as she placed a comforting hand on my shoulder.

“Allison do you think that maybe Haley doesn’t want us to write this book?” I questioned pointing to the fallen tree branch.

“Well I am not waiting around to find out.” Allison asserted. “This is getting a little too creepy.”

“We should.” I said firmly. “We are about to reveal the most intimate details of these women’s lives. Maybe just maybe they don’t want us to that.”

“Okay.” Allison said slowly. “Go ahead.”

“What?”

“Go ahead and ask them.” Allison pushed.

“Me?”

“It was your idea.” Allison insisted.

I paused for a moment wondering if Allison had thought that I had lost my mind. But she reassured me with a smile and an encouraging nod of her head. I knelt before Haley and Eleanor’s graves. “Ladies is it all right with you that we do this?” I asked quietly. Allison and I listened to the eerie quiet. Nothing happened. “Well they didn’t say no.” I chuckled as I stood and rejoined Allison. “Now let’s get the hell out of here.” I added fearfully.

“Okay but I just want to move that branch off of their graves.” She explained as she handed me the flashlight. She pulled the heavy branch up easily and tossed it away. “What the?” She uttered in surprise. “Stephanie could you shine that light down here?”

“What is it?” I stammered as I shined the light to where she directed me.

Allison was pushing away at the soil between the headstones. “Look.” Was all she said as she pointed to the ground? “The branch must have dug it up.”

I looked down at the spot filled with both curiosity and fear. Then I saw it. A small rectangular stone engraved with two cherubs embracing and the word, “FOREVER” inscribed upon it. “Thank you.” Allison whispered quietly as she replaced the soil. We both knew that the marker was never meant to be seen. We both quietly accepted it as an encouraging sign as we made our departure. I climbed back over the gate first and was greeted by a very unhappy looking police officer. Allison failed to see him until she was landing onto the cobblestone sidewalk. “Ooops.” Was all she offered in her defense?

“Ladies.” The officer said sternly as he shined his flashlight in our eyes. “Do you mind telling me what you are doing here?”

“We can explain officer.” I stammered out.

“I see.” He said indigently.

“It is really quite simple officer.” Allison offered as she placed her hands gently on my shoulders.

“Allison?” He said with surprise.

She looked down at me in confusion and shrugged her shoulders. Then she peered more closely at him. Which was easier to do since he immediately extinguished his flashlight. Her eyes flew open and captured him in a big hug. “Roger!” She shouted happily. As they exchanged pleasantries I got the full story. Roger it would appear had once dated Allison’s sister. He asked how Nicole was doing and seemed relieved that she was on the wagon.

“So do you want to try and explain what it is your doing breaking into a graveyard?” Roger laughed.

“Research for a book we are working on. I have a couple of relatives buried back there. It was a last minute decision and I did not have time to get the key from the caretakers.” Allison explained.

“There is a key?” I whispered to her. She just shrugged her shoulders.

“Same old Allison.” Roger chuckled.

After Roger made his departure we both exploded into laughter. Without thinking we fell into each other’s arms and giggled uncontrollably. Suddenly I became acutely aware of the closeness of Allison’s body. I wanted to touch her. I wanted to run my hands up under the thick white fisherman’s sweater she was wearing. The laughter had ceased as we stood there holding each other. I could feel her breathing becoming labored. My body was awakened by the scent of her perfume. The sweet aroma of Opium that I had become all too aware of over the past few months. It was starting to become a problem for me. It had reached the point that if I smelled the perfume on anyone else I became aroused. One Saturday I had taken Mrs. Giavanni out shopping and I was sent running from Filene’s department store after passing the Yves Saint Laurent counter. “Try explaining that one to your sweet elderly Italian landlady!”

I could feel Allison’s body begin to shiver from my embrace. Suddenly all of Allison’s words and actions came flooding back to me. I felt that we were far too close at that moment. This time I was the one who broke away. In many ways Allison had been right about us and yet she was wrong as well. There was something about me that frightens Allison. I knew because of her past if we became intimate at this moment we would never have a future together. And it was at that moment that my head and heart finally connected. I wanted this woman for something more than the physical contact my body craved. If I were to hold this woman as a lover, I wanted her to be there the next morning and the morning after that.

Allison’s face reflected her surprise as I pulled away. Then she released a heavy sigh and smiled at me. My movement had been slow and natural. Her arm remained around my waist as we walked back to the car. This simple stroll was probably the most romantic of my life. “Hungry?” Allison smiled as she started the car.

“Yeah.” I smiled in return. “Since this is your neck of the woods why don’t you pick the place?”

“No problem.” Allison agreed. We drove back over to Derby Street and managed to find a parking space. I looked at over the ocean and inhaled the aroma of the autumn air. A beautiful fall evening with a lovely woman at my side, who could ask for anything more? Allison had decided upon Rockmore Dry Dock for dinner. The food was good but there was an added attraction as the restaurant granted a stunning view of the harbor. For just one evening all pretense between us had vanished. There was something about the romantic atmosphere that made me feel like I was on a date with Allison.

We drove home that evening singing along with the local oldies station. There was a sense of ease to our interaction that had been lacking for far too long. I knew that I had made the right decision when I backed away from Allison earlier. If I had kissed her at that moment, I am not certain that either of us would have possessed the strength to stop. And if Allison crossed the line she had vowed to maintain I probably would have lost her.

*****

The following morning I was awakened to the sounds of Allison’s morning concert. I missed this on the weekends she was away. Aretha Franklin provided today’s musical accompaniment. I noted as I climbed out of bed it was the same CD we had listen to on the drive to Salem. I took this as a positive sign as I started to brew my coffee. I found myself singing along in the shower. I was feeling rather pleased with myself for my control last evening. “It finally looks as if Allison is starting to trust me.” My joy was short lived as I heard the music stop while I was drying myself. The silence was followed by the sounds of Allison’s footsteps descending the staircase and making their way out the front door. At that moment I mentally kicked myself for playing hands off last evening. It would appear that no matter what I did Allison was determined to fight me.

I spent the rest of my day teaching classes and trying to track down Allison. She never seemed to be around. After finishing her classes she went directly home. I never laid eyes on the woman the entire day. I felt as if I were losing my mind. Had I done something last night to bring this on? I thought back and could find nothing in my actions to invoke the new cold front I was now facing. There was no revelation to be found. I had simply relaxed and enjoyed myself. There was no overt touching, no strained moments, and certainly no flirting. At the end of the evening, Allison had invited me up for coffee. To which I politely declined not wanting to push my luck or my hormones. I had given Allison exactly what she had asked for simple friendship. “I can not win with you Allison! Perhaps Nicole is right and what you really need is to have that stick surgically removed?”

If Allison wanted space then fine I would give it to her. I stayed at the University late and worked at the library. It was after nine o’clock when I finally made my way home. Allison’s car was missing. I tried to busy myself with work on the book, but I quickly found it difficult to concentrate. I tried to watch television but nothing held my interest. Finally I gave up and went to bed. Despite all of my efforts I simply laid awake and stared at the ceiling wondering where Allison was?

It was well after three in the morning when I heard the front door close. I knew by the sound of the footsteps that it was Allison. I would know her gait anywhere. I even knew that she was wearing her old worn out pair of Zodiac boots. Normally if I heard her coming in I would greet her and invite her in for coffee. Something that I knew that she could never refuse. But at this late hour I knew how truly pathetic it would appear. “Maybe I could just pop into the hallway pretending that she woke me up?” I instantly scolded myself at the suggestion. It was then that I noticed that Allison’s footsteps had paused. She was still in the entryway just outside of my door. I jumped off of the futon and made my way over to the doorway. Before I could reach the handle I could hear her moving away and walking up the staircase to her apartment. I listened as she paced around in her apartment. Finally a familiar pattern emerged as she went over to the kitchen, then to the bathroom and finally to her bedroom. The sounds ceased and I knew that she was in bed for the evening. Only one of us slept that night.

By the time Allison’s morning concert began, (today it was Mozart) I had already watched the sunrise. Then I brewed a pot of coffee and showered and dressed quickly. Before the concert ended I was half way to the campus. There I was sitting alone in our office chewing on the end of a pencil. Everything seemed to be coming to a head. Peter would be arriving today. Allison would leave for New York this afternoon. For the first time Allison’s trips out of town was a blessing. I knew that I would be breaking up with Peter tonight.

I had just about chewed my pencil in half as I contemplated just how things might go with Peter. “Face it. This is going to suck!” I had already been making trips into Boston on my own after I had discovered the local gay bookstores. Once a woman had even approached me and began flirting. I found her attractive enough but still I politely declined. I was beginning a new life and yet I was still somehow trapped in my old existence. I recalled how strained Peter’s voice sounded the last time I spoke with him. He had been forced to cancel on the weekend of our anniversary. He had been thrown into a major project at the last moment. Secretly I had been relieved. But I could hear the disappointment in his voice when I refused to come down and see him. I explained that he had work to do and we could see each other soon. I knew that he wasn’t by any means an idiot. After all of this time he must suspect something. How could he not? After six years I had not made the slightest effort to see him in over two months.

When he called to make plans for this weekend he offered to take the day off and drive down last night. I had a difficult time of it but I finally convinced him not to do that. I wanted him to arrive after Allison’s departure. I had no intention of the two of them meeting each other. Somehow I doubted that I could survive the awkwardness of such a meeting. It was going to be difficult enough just facing him. I had to be strong and sit him down the moment he arrived and finally tell him everything. I wondered briefly if he would understand that this was just as painful for me as it would be for him. I was about to break the heart of my best friend. If only we had remained just that? Life would have been so different.

My mantra for the rest of the day was simple, “You need to strong. You need to do this. This is the only fair thing to do. Tell Peter!” Now all I had to do was actually see this through.

Near the end of the day Allison returned. She muttered “hello” before retreating to her side of the office. Not long after that Maureen popped her head into the office. “Anyone willing to baby sit tomorrow night?” She pleaded. “Mine just canceled. If I do not get a chance to go out with my husband I will go postal.”

“Sorry.” Allison answered her pleas.

“Not New York again!” Maureen groaned. “What about tonight?”

“Calm down.” Allison responded in a reassuring tone. “There is no way I am spending Halloween in New York. Tonight will be the same as every year.” As for tomorrow night I am going to the Galaxy.”

“Skip the Galaxy.” Maureen begged. “You can go there anytime. Come on do an old married woman a favor and watch my kids.”

“Watching your kids on a sugar high on Halloween night … a tempting offer but I have a date.” Allison offered in her own defense.

“Are you kidding?” Maureen asked in amazement as she looked at me. I think she could tell by my suddenly pale features that I was just as surprised as she was.

“I do date.” Allison resounded sharply.

“Since when?” Maureen asked again looking towards me for some sort of answer. I had none to offer. “Stephanie any chance you would be available?” She asked hopefully.

“I am sorry Maureen. But I have plans as well.” I answered bitterly.

“Well damn. Then I guess I will see you both tonight then.” Maureen said with disappointment.

Maureen left in a bit of a huff chasing after her next victim Grace. “Allison has a date! This is terrible!” I tried to calm myself reminding myself that I had no say over Allison’s personal life. Allison had repeatedly let me know that she was not an option. Deep down I knew that I could not really accept that. Suddenly it was all far too real. Even after tonight when I broke up with Peter I would still be a co-worker. This was still taboo for the all mighty Miss. Kendell. The Galaxy. I had heard of that place. It was a nightclub in Cambridge. It prides itself on catering to a diverse community. In addition to the gay clientele I had heard that they offered a fetish night as well. So Allison was going out dancing with another woman. If I was not mistaken from what I remember reading in the copy of IN News weekly that I had scanned one day at Glad Day Books, last night being Thursday would have been the gay night at The Galaxy. I may be a history professor but even I could do the math on that. Last night Allison went out and met someone and has a date with them tomorrow. “I knew I had taken a huge risk in waiting so long, but one day?”

I wonder what going on tonight? All day long I was not the only one searching for Allison. It seemed that everyone was looking for her. When I explained that she was out they smiled and replied with something about her getting ready for tonight and that they would see me tonight. “What the Hell is going on?” I hadn’t really focused on it since I had been wrapped with my concerns regarding Allison. But now even Maureen seemed to expect seeing me tonight. “Allison?” I called out to her through the partition. “What is going on tonight?”

“It is nothing really.” Allison answered quickly. “Just a little gathering. It happens every year on the night before Halloween.”

“I see.” I answered slowly. “Just a little gathering that the entire campus seemed to be talking about. The same little gathering that she never once mentioned to me!” At that moment Stan of all people popped his head into the office. “Allison?” He called to her in a surprisingly friendly manner. I was also surprised that he called her by her first name. Whenever Stan addressed her which was rarely he always called her Kendell. “Should I bring The Legend Of Sleepy Hollow?”

“Of course Stan. The little ones love it.” Allison replied warmly.

“Great!” He gushed. “The boys are really looking forward to coming.”

“Don’t forget your pumpkins.” Allison reminded him.

“Just one this year. I’m afraid that Richard feels that he is far too old for that.” Stan added sadly. “He is afraid. I was terrified! These two were talking like long lost friends. Normally if both were in the same building it was a good idea to lock up all sharp objects!”

“Well you know that some of the students like to do some tie dying in the upstairs’ kitchen. Perhaps he will enjoy that?” Allison added warmly.

“He might if he can do it in black. It is the only color his Mother and I can get him to wear these days.” Stan chuckled. “I will pick up some Tshirts on the way. Thank you for the suggestion Allison. I will see you both tonight.” Stan waved and left. “Had I just entered the twilight zone? Or maybe the pod people had finally taken over?”

“Stan is coming?” I blurted out not intending to voice my thoughts. Just then a young student whom I recognized popped her head into the office. “Same time this year Professor Kendell?” She asked brightly.

“Yes.” Allison answered uneasily. “Carla could you close the door on your way out?” The young African American woman smiled brightly and closed the door. As the door was closing Allison quickly approached my desk. “Stephanie.” She began cautiously. “I never invite anyone over for this.”

“I see.” I said bitterly.

“It’s the truth!” Allison responded with exasperation. “The first year I was teaching here, I told this outrageous ghost story in class. It is just something I like to do. Like the way I teased you in Salem. Well when class was over everyone wanted to hear more and tell some of their own spooky tales. I forget how it happened but everyone ended up at my apartment for an impromptu party. We decorated the porch and Mrs. Giavanni’s porch. We carved pumpkins and someone brought a horror movie. The whole thing just snowballed. Now every year on the night before Halloween people just show up.”

“Why didn’t you tell me about this?” I pushed. “This is a small campus Allison. Everyone knows where I live. I feel like an idiot, just when were you going to mention this? When a hundred some odd people showed up on our doorstep? You could have said something when we went to Salem!” I was beyond anger.

“I’m sorry.” Allison said defensively. “It … it’s just that …” Allison was stammering like an idiot. I was secretly pleased to see the shoe finally on the other foot.

“I know what it is Allison!” I said bitterly. “It is you and your stupid rules! If you and I have a good time together for more than five minutes you assume that I am going to jump your bones! You should be so lucky you arrogant …”

“Stephanie don’t!” She warned me harshly.

I was far too angry to listen to her warning. “Don’t what?” I growled at her. “Don’t call your bluff?” And there it was. I had called her on the carpet. We just stood there in silence. My blood was boiling even though I could see by the pained expression on her face that I had hurt her. I had not meant to hurt her. But I could not stand all of the games and the rules and the jumping threw hoops that she made me endure on a daily basis. I watched as those beautiful blue eyes started to close. “Don’t you dare shut me out again!” I shouted at her as I flew out from behind my desk and stood toe to toe with her. I had not intended to yell but I just could not stand her shutting down again.

Her eyes flew open at my assault and glared at me. “Fine. Come then.” She spat out coldly. Turning from me she stomped to her side of the office and gathered her things. Then she stormed over to the door and opened it. Just as she was about to leave she turned back to me and gave me a deadly glare. “Oh and Stephanie don’t forget to bring your boyfriend.” Her words sent a chill through me. At that moment I lost all sense of reality. My body shuddered and without even realizing it I snatched up the glass paperweight that was sitting on top of my desk and hurled it at her. Allison ducked as it shattered against the wall.

“Jesus Christ!” Allison shouted at me. I just stood there paralyzed by my actions. Never in my life had I ever lost control like that. “It is all right. I just dropped something.” Allison explained to someone in the hallway and then she closed the door. I just stood there staring blankly at the shattered remains. “Don’t you ever do that again.” Allison scolded me. “Stephanie?” She called to me and I could hear the alarm in her voice. I was still unable to move. “Stephanie?” She repeated.

Suddenly my breathing became erratic and the panic washed over me. “I never … ” I trembled as the tears began to flow. I was sobbing uncontrollably as I felt my knees begin to buckle. I was falling as I felt her arms wrap around me. She held me tightly. “Hold on.” She whispered gently. I was in a daze as she led me over to the couch. Allison rubbed my back soothingly. “I’m just going to clean up the mess. Okay?” I nodded numbly. Before I realized it Allison had returned to my side. Without thinking I wrapped myself in her arms and wept. She held me as I cried rubbing my back and whispering soft words.

I’d lost track of time as she held me. Finally my tears stopped. But Allison continued to hold me. “It is getting late we should go.” She said finally. I had no idea of how long we had been sitting there. I had never done anything like this before and it frightened me. Allison stood slowly and gathered our things. Then she held out her hand to me and helped me stand. Without a word she placed a comforting arm around my shoulders and led me to her car. We drove home in silence.

Upon arriving home I saw that our front porch as well as Mrs. Giavanni’s front porch was covered with people. There were pumpkins everywhere. Not to mention various ghosts, skeletons and a few Frankenstein’s to boot. The crowd consisted of students, faculty and many people I had never seen before. There was one tall figure with dark puppy dog eyes that stood out. He was busy helping string orange lights across the porch and laughing without a care in the world. “Is that him?” Allison asked quietly.

“Yes. It’s Peter.” I responded painfully.

“It’s going to be all right.” Allison said gently as she wiped an errant tear from my cheek.

“Liar.” I whispered. I inhaled deeply and braced myself as Allison gently caressed my thigh.

After taking several more deep breaths I steadied myself enough to exit the car. Peter ran over to me with a huge grin plastered upon his face. Allison walked past him without a second glance. Peter threw his arms around me and held me tightly. When he pulled back the smile left his face instantly. “Are you all right?” He asked.

“Fine.” I lied. “Just a bad day.”

“You can tell me all about it later.” He squeezed my shoulder reassuringly. Before I could react he bent down and claimed my lips passionately. I stiffened as his tongue tried to enter my mouth. “Not now.” I murmured as I pulled away.

“It’s good to see you sweetheart.” He smiled hopefully.

I had felt nothing when he had kissed me. It was all true I had never felt any passion for this man. I looked up into those trusting brown eyes and quickly turned away. I was unable to face him due to the overwhelming guilt that engulfed me. As my eyes turned from him I found Allison staring at us. Her face was possessed an icy expression. Her eyes held mine briefly before turning away. “Okay everyone!” She said without missing a beat. “Now everyone knows the rules right?”

“Yes.” The crowd responded quickly.

“Okay then what are they?” Allison questioned them like a drill sergeant.

“There is hard cider and alcohol free cider.” A few voices volunteered.

“And who can drink the hard cider?” Allison drilled them.

“Anyone over twenty one.” The crowd answered.

“Excellent.” Allison smiled. “Now who is on key duty?”

“I am.” A voice answered.

“Good for you Walter.” Allison patted the boy on the shoulder. “Just remember no drinking and you must take everyone’s car keys as they enter the party and they can’t have them back if they are unable to drive. So what’s the movie tonight?”

“The Blair Witch Project.” Several voices answered.

“Good choice.” Allison answered as she smiled once again. “Just remember …”

“No one under seventeen in the living room while the movie is playing.” Someone answered.

“Okay!” Allison clapped her hands together. “The houses look great. I think this is the best decorating job yet. Now let’s get this crap upstairs and start this party.”

The crowd began to gather their belongings and made their way into the house. Someone called after Peter. He just waved to them as he continued to smile at me. “This is so much fun.” He exclaimed. “Your neighbor certainly knows how to have fun.”

“You have no idea.” I said absently.

“Let’s go then.” He beamed.

“Peter we have to …” I stammered.

“Come on Peter.” One coed called after him.

“I have to change.” I said quickly.

“I could help you.” He said playfully.

“No.” I shot out quickly. “I mean you go on ahead. Go join the party. I’ll see you upstairs.”

He quickly kissed me again and ran off to join the others. I made a mad dash into my apartment and slammed the door behind me. Mentally kicking myself was the first thing I did. “If only I had felt something when he kissed me! Why didn’t I just tell him everything right then and there? I panicked that’s why. Now it is too late. It is obvious that this party is going to go on all night. I could wait until tomorrow and tell him first thing in the morning. What about tonight? After all of this time I’m certain that Peter will expect us to sleep together. I’ll tell him when we leave the party. I just need to find an excuse to get him to leave. Now hurry up there and stop him from meeting Allison.”

As the last thought hit me I raced around grabbing a pair of worn blue jeans and a Yale sweater shirt and changed in record time. There was no way I was going to leave Peter with Allison. I raced upstairs and was greeted by Walter. He immediately asked for my car keys and then quickly apologized when he realized who I was. “I’m sorry Dr. Grant.” He blushed. “I guess you won’t be driving tonight.”

I just smiled and walked past him. The apartment was filled with people on both floors and more were entering as I began to search for Peter. I needed to pull him aside and get him downstairs. The thought of him and Allison talking suddenly bolstered my courage. I had to get him out of there and fast. I spotted his lanky frame sipping a bottle of cider. He seemed to be in a deep conversation with someone. I pushed my way through the crowd. My heart stopped when I saw just who it was Peter was talking to. Allison! She was just nodding and smiling. She looked over his shoulder and captured my gaze. She smiled sweetly enough but her eyes seemed to be pleading for help.

I made my way over to him and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. He turned to me and smiled. “Hey honey I was just talking to …”

“Allison.” She informed him quickly.

“Peter we need to …” I began firmly.

“This is just great isn’t it?” He beamed.

“Yeah right.” Allison groaned and then quickly bit her lip and grimaced.

“I know that being alone would have been nice.” Peter continued oblivious to what was happening. “But I have been locked in my office for months. This party is just what I needed.” He gave me a quick peck on the lips and then took another swig of his cider. “Thank you darling this is a great surprise. Plus we have the rest of the weekend for just the two of us.” He winked at me playfully.

“Peter we need to …” I began once again.

“Hey the movie is about to start!” He informed us as he wrapped his arm around my shoulder. “Come on. I’ll hold your hand during the scary parts.” He winked again.

“Great.” I groaned.

As Peter grabbed himself another cider from someone passing by he began to lead me over to the sofa. I felt a gentle tug on my arm. I turned to find Allison grinning at my like a Cheshire cat. “Drink?” She asked in a strained voice.

“Yes thank you.” I answered in relief. I pulled away from Peter and took Allison’s waiting hand. “Excuse us Peter. I’ll be right back.”

“Ah okay.” He responded in confusion.

Allison pulled me into the kitchen. I released her hand when we encountered yet another crowd of people waiting for us. “Where are they?” Allison grumbled as she searched her kitchen cabinets frantically. I made my way past the bottles of cider sitting in ice in the kitchen sink and went directly to Allison’s wine cabinet. In a brief moment I realized that I knew Allison’s kitchen better than I knew my own. I selected a Cabernet that I knew she liked. I immediately grabbed the cork screw from a draw and then retrieved two wine glasses. “Did you find them?” I asked impatiently.

“Bingo!” She squealed as she held up a fresh pack of cigarettes. I reached back into the draw where I found the cork screw and snatched up a book of matches and tossed them to Allison.

I peeked out through the kitchen door and spotted Peter chatting away with a group of people. He seemed so happy as the movie started. “He’s having a great time. ” I said sadly as I turned back to Allison. She frowned as she looked back at me.

“Now what?” She asked as looked at the people surrounding us. I stepped over to her and gently placed a hand on her hip. I leaned up and whispered, “My place.”

Without hesitation we pushed our way through the crowd and ducked outside to the back staircase located off of the kitchen. We crept downstairs to my apartment pausing once or twice to listen to the sounds of the party emanating from her apartment. I reached into my pocket and retrieved my keys and opened the back door. We stumbled threw the darkness and made our way over to the futon which I had left open this morning. I placed the wine and the other items I was carrying down carefully on the coffee table. “Can I have the matches for a moment? I don’t want to turn on the lights.” I explained. She handed me the matches and I lit the large three wicked candle I kept on the coffee table and returned the matches to her.

Allison lit herself a cigarette. “Light one for me.” I said as I opened the bottle of wine. Allison handed me the cigarette she was smoking and lit another for herself. I took a deep drag and went in search for something I could use as an ashtray. I settled on a small plate, which I placed on the table. I placed the spent matches in the plate as Allison poured the wine and handed me a glass. “You’ll have to excuse the mess.” I apologized as I settled down next to her. “I had been planning on cleaning up for Peter’s visit. Then I thought that he wouldn’t be staying so why bother.”

“No chance of that now.” Allison groaned. “He’s having a grand old time.”

“I know.” I sighed in desperation.

“How weird is this?”

“Oh this?” I laughed. “Let’s see my boyfriend of the past six years who I’ve been avoiding for the past couple of months is upstairs in your apartment. While I’m hiding down here with the woman I made a pass at.”

“So, nothing out of the ordinary?” Allison teased.

“No not at all.” I laughed. “Considering a few hours ago I was throwing things at you.”

“Are you as sick of rehashing the boundaries of our friendship as I am?” Allison asked seriously.

“No. I was yelling and throwing things at you because I think that everything is just peachy between us.”

“Stephanie.” Allison began slowly. “I want to make something clear.” I simply groaned at her comment.

“Stop.” I said finally as I took another drag off of my smoke.

“Wait.” She said as she extinguished her cigarette. “I just want you to know … well … I …”

“What?” I snapped impatiently waiting for yet another lecture on how we could never be more than friends.

“Stephanie. It’s just that you seem to be under the impression that I am not attracted to you.” Allison blurted out. “If that was the case trust me the last few months would’ve been a hell of a lot easier on the both of us.”

“So you’re attracted to me?”

“Jesus, Stephanie.” Allison rolled her eyes. “Haven’t you ever looked in a mirror?”

As I looked at her in the candle light her face glowed. I’d never wanted anyone more than I wanted her. As her deep blue eyes captured mine I could see that her passion mirrored my own. I broke away from her gaze and put out my cigarette. “I know that I’ve been putting off breaking up with Peter.” I tried to explain my reluctance. “It’s just that there was our anniversary and now his birthday is coming up.”

“There is never going to be a good time to break his heart.” Allison said softly as she gently rubbed my arm. “No matter what you say or when you say it he’s going to be hurt.”

“I know.” I admitted as I leaned into her touch. “I just wish there was someway I could avoid hurting him.”

“Then stay with him.” Allison said bluntly.

“I can’t.” I sighed as I curled up against her. “Now that I know what I want. I have to let him go. It’s the right thing to do.”

We sat there silently sipping our wine each lost in our own thoughts. I placed my glass on the table and leaned back into Allison’s body. My hand absently tracing a pattern across her white cotton blouse. I could feel the taunt muscles of her abdomen through the material. She kissed me gently on the top of my head. Then she sat up and placed her glass on the table next to mine. For a brief moment I thought she was going to leave. Instead she leaned into me and caressed my face gently. It was all the encouragement I needed. I slipped my hand over her broad shoulders and tenderly ran them down the front of her blouse. I gasped as I felt her nipples harden from my touch.

My heart was racing as she lowered her head and captured my lips. I kissed her gently in reply. She leaned away slightly. I reached up and laced my fingers in her raven hair and pulled her towards me. Her lips were so soft and inviting. I felt as if I could lose myself within her or die trying. I felt her tongue teasing my bottom lip. Eagerly I opened my lips and invited her in. The sensation of her explorations was overwhelming. I lost all sense of reason. I simply wanted more. I pressed my body into hers as my fingers began exploring the front of her blouse. I unbuttoned her shirt as I felt her powerful hands pressing against my back drawing me closer to her. With the last of the buttons freed my hands took control feeling the taut skin of her abdomen.

Our lips parted as the need to breath over took us. I began to kiss her cheek and then my tongue trailed down her neck. She moaned as I began to suck on her neck feeling her heat beneath my lips. I felt her hands beneath my sweatshirt. I was trembling as her hands freely explored my body. I needed her more than I needed to breath. I pushed her down so that she was now lying beneath me. I straddled her hips and began a slow and steady rhythm as I grinded myself into her. I cupped her breast molding it into my hand. I lift my head and began to nibble on her earlobe. I heard her gasp as my tongue found it’s way into her ear. “Is this what you want?” I growled in a voice that I did not recognize. “Yes!” She moaned deeply as she clutched my backside and pressed our hips together.

The steady rhythm of our bodies crashing together was driving me over the edge. Unable to contain my desire I reached down and lowered the silk of her bra, exposing the breast that I had been caressing. The sight of that beautiful mound shimmering in the candle light with her rose colored nipple erect forced me to ride harder against her. My body was throbbing. I bent my head down and allowed my tongue to circle her nipple. Her body arched in response as she pushed herself closer to me. Fueled on by her response I captured her nipple in my mouth and began to suckle it greedily. I was lost in her. The taste of her skin, the feel of her hands exploring my body was driving me insane.

My pulse was racing as pressed my center against hers. My body was reacting of it’s own will. I tore my mouth from her breast. She groaned in disappointment. I raised my body from hers while still straddling her hips. I could not contain my desire any longer as my hands franticly began to unbutton her jeans. I could feel her hands working the zipper of my jeans as I began to tug hers off of her hips. She mirrored my actions. I lowered my wetness to hers and I held her passionate gaze. I pressed the length of my body against hers as she opened herself wider and invited me in. “So wet.” She whispered hotly in my ear.

“Allison.” My voice trembled as our clits rocked together. “Yeess.” She hissed as her hands firmly clutched my bottom driving further into her. “Take me.” I pleaded. She responded by flipping me over and capturing my mouth in a searing kiss. I felt her thigh slide between my legs. I eagerly accepted her offer and began to thrust against her firm thigh. I didn’t hear it at first. Perhaps I had assumed it was the beating of my heart. More likely I was far too wrapped in making love to this beautiful woman. But the pounding grew more insistent. I felt Allison’s body tense as her movements halted. I looked up at the stricken look on her face and willed my own body to cease its movements. That is when I realized what had caused her to stop.

Someone was knocking on the door. “Stephanie?” He called out. “Peter.” I whispered in shock as Allison and I remained frozen. We remained frozen for what seemed like an eternity until we heard his footsteps walking away. I raised my hand to my mouth to stifle the sob that threaten to escape. Allison pulled away from me and laid beside me as I tried to calm myself. I could feel her body rise up off the futon as she began to fix her clothing. “Come on.” She whispered gently as she bent down and caressed my cheek. “You don’t want him to find out this way.”

“I’m sorry.” I sobbed quietly as I pulled my jeans back up.

“I’m not.”

“Liar.” I sniffed as I accepted her hand and she assisted me up off of the futon.

“You’re right.” Allison sighed. “Let’s just go back upstairs. He will never know.” She insisted as she began to gather up the wine glasses and cigarettes. She walked over to the back door and turned to me. “You should fix your bra before you go back up.” Having said that she departed my apartment. I felt my sweatshirt and blushed when I realized that she had somehow managed to undo my bra without my knowledge. Quickly I rehooked the garment and tidied up the apartment and made my up back up to Allison’s apartment.

Upon reentering Allison’s apartment I was greeted by a very drunken Peter. Allison was nowhere to be seen. “There you are.” Peter slurred. “I needed some fresh air.” I lied as I gave him a worried glance. “Peter did you eat today?” I questioned him in a motherly fashion. He just shook his no. “I think that maybe we should put you to bed.” I said tenderly.

“I’ve been waiting two months to hear you say that.” He smirked as he slumped his arm around my shoulders. I wanted to cry as I led him threw the crowd and out the front door. As I went to close the door behind us I caught a glimpse of Allison among the crowd. My heart broke as I caught the darken expression on her face.

Somehow I managed to get Peter downstairs. No easy task since his hands began to wander. Taking his suit off prove to be no problem since he was more than eager to undress for me. Getting him to go to bed became a test of wills. He kept trying to grab me for a kiss. It was a struggle but finally I got him tucked into the futon where he quickly passed out. I had never seen him so drunk before. It broke my heart when he was trying to kiss me. “I love you so much Stephanie.” He kept repeating. As he snored in his drunken slumber I sat on the edge of the futon and finally released the tears that I’d been fighting since I heard him knocking on the apartment door.

I ended spending the night in the beat up armchair in the corner of the apartment. I cried until my body had nothing left to offer. Peter did not move an inch all night long. I could have easily crawled into bed with him and tried to sleep as well, but I felt that I had betrayed him enough for one evening. As the sun began to emerged I lifted myself out of the armchair. My body ached from sitting there all night. I dragged myself into the shower and tried to loose myself under the steam.

After I had showered and dressed I waited and waited for Peter to wake up. The waiting was driving me insane. Finally I gave up and brewed a pot of coffee as I debated on sneaking back upstairs to see if Allison was awake yet. As the coffee was just finishing to spit out the last few drops of caffeine, I heard Allison moving around upstairs. Since Peter showed no signs of life I decided to wait until Allison finished her shower and was dressed. I needed to see her. To be with her. I needed to explain just what last night had meant to me. What she means to me. It was time to tell her everything. “I’m in love with her. Last night wasn’t just physical. Although the physical was pretty damn nice!”

Right on cue I was jolted out of my thoughts by the blaring sound of Allison’s morning concert. “Melissa. Not a good sign. She is playing the same CD as the last time something like this happened.”

“What the hell is that?” Peter bellowed as he pulled the bed covers over his head.

“Allison.” I answered simply.

“Does she do that every morning?” He groaned.

“Yes.”

“God how do you put up with it?” He groaned again finally peeking out from under the covers. I just shrugged in response. “Is that coffee I smell?”

“Yes.” I answered quickly as I pour us each a cup. I began to search for some sugar for his coffee. I gasped as I realized that I hadn’t bother to buy any for him. “I’m sorry Peter. I seem to be out of sugar.” I apologized.

“That’s okay.” He smiled as he sat up slightly and scratched his head. He wrapped the blanket around himself and stumbled into the kitchen. “Man I feel like someone scotch taped my tongue.” He bent down and gave me a quick peck on the cheek before taking the cup I offered to him. “When did you start drinking your coffee black?” He asked innocently.

I just shrugged once again not trusting myself to speak. I was no fool I knew he knew that I hadn’t bothered to buy sugar for his coffee. It was such a small thing. But it spoke volumes. “Peter we have to …” I began to say.

“Stephanie.” He cut me off. “I’m so sorry about last night. I hate getting drunk. I should have eaten something. I don’t know what I was thinking. But I’m going to make it up to you. Let me hop in the shower and then I will take you to breakfast.” He kissed me gently on the cheek and asked if I could grab his bag from the car. I nodded mutely as he made his way into the bathroom.

I went outside in the crisp morning air and retrieved Peter’s bag. As I pulled the bag out of the car I found myself repeating, “Just like kicking a puppy.” As I stepped up onto the porch a very young woman startled me. She seemed to be checking the names on the doorbells. “Can I help you?” I questioned her sternly.

“Hi.” She beamed. “I was just looking for Allison Kendell.”

“Uh huh.” I muttered. “Come on in. “

As we stepped into the foyer I sized her up quickly. She was young and very attractive with long chestnut hair. She was also very skinny and seemed to possess a bubbly personality. I hated her immediately. Just as I was about to grill her about just what the hell was she doing on my front porch, my apartment door swung open revealing Peter wrapped in just a towel. “Ooops.” He said quickly as his face turned a deep shade of red.

“Sorry.” The youngster chuckled.

I was just about to hand Peter his bag when I spotted Allison descending the staircase carrying two large trash bags. She looked past the youngster to Peter and then to me. The was no mistaking the cold look in her eyes. She looked betrayed. I gaped back up at her helplessly. Finally she noticed the youngster.

“Courtney?” She blurted out. “Courtney. God even her name was cute. Now I know I hated her. She was just so young and perky I could just throw up.”

“Hey there.” Courtney giggled.

“I was just about to call you.” Allison said quickly.

“I know that I’m early but it’s a beautiful morning and I couldn’t wait to see you.” Courtney explained. “There’s suppose to be this great place around the corner for breakfast.”

“The Java House?” Allison and I responded in unison.

“Yeah that’s it.” Courtney nodded enthusiastically. “Hey why don’t you two join us?”

“Sounds great.” Peter chimed in. “We were just going to grab a bite. I’m Peter by the way.”

“Courtney.” She extended her hand then withdrew realizing that Peter needed to keep his towel in place. “Ooops.” She giggled. I just rolled my eyes as I glared at Allison who now seemed to taking a sudden interest in the wallpaper.

“Peter I don’t think …” I began to explain.

“Come on sweetie I’m dying to get to know your new friends.” He explained. I just stared at him blankly. “Good it’s settled then.” He gushed. “Ah Stephanie could I have my clothes now?”

I tossed the bag at him as I glared at Allison with a pleading look. She just stood there with her jaw hanging open. Somehow Peter managed to catch the bag and keep his towel place. He muttered thanks and retreated into the apartment. “Do you need help with those?” Courtney asked motioning to the trash bags in Allison’s hands. “I’ll help her.” I snapped quickly as I grabbed one of the bags and dragged Allison away by the arm. We went around back leaving a stunned Courtney in the foyer. Without a word we deposited the bags in the barrels. “What the hell just happened in there?” Allison said wildly.

“Well it seems that we are going on a double date.” I snarled.

“No.” Allison said firmly while shaking her head.

“Yes.” I hissed.

“No.” She repeated more strongly.

“Then what are we suppose to do?” I pleaded with her. “Tell me. I’ll do it.”

I could see the wheels turning in Allison’s head finally she released a groan. “There’s nothing we can do. We have to go.” She conceded. “This sucks. I was just about to call her and cancel. Who knew she would show up eight hours early for our date? Who does that?”

“Children.” I answered bitterly.

“Hey!” Allison snapped.

“Oh come on.” I snapped back. “How old is she?”

“Old enough.” Allison snarled.

“For what?” I hissed. Allison just arched her eyebrow in defense. “I see.” I responded coldly. We just stood there like a couple of idiots shivering in the cold. I had enough this was ridiculous. “I didn’t sleep with him last night.” I explained quietly.

“Was I that transparent?” She asked with a half smile.

“Yes.” I answered her gently but honestly. “I suppose seeing him standing there half naked didn’t like very good?”

“My fault.” She volunteered. “I was just thrown by it.”

“He passed out.” I explained. “I just sat up all night crying. I thought about coming upstairs. But I was afraid that we might … you know.”

“Sleep together.” Allison stated simply.

“Yes.” I confessed with a blush. “But with him downstairs. I know that I need to end things with him. You’re right about that.”

“If he ever gives you the chance.” Allison said sharply.

“What do you mean?”

“Stephanie I must have watched you try to get him out of the party at least twenty times.” Allison explained. “You start by saying Peter we need to … and then he stops you. He knows.”

“About us?” I gasped. Not realizing what I was implying.

“I don’t think so.” Allison answered with a shake of her head. “But he knows something is up. Face it no good conversation starts with we need to talk. I think he knows that you are leaving him and he is doing everything he can to prevent you from finishing that sentence.”

“What do we do now?” I pleaded with her.

“I guess we go to breakfast.” Allison responded grimly.

“This should be fun.” I tried to joke. “Just like having my teeth drilled. Fine we’ll eat and then I’ll bring Peter back here and sit him down and tell him the truth. I can’t put this off any longer.”

“Tell me something?” Allison started.

“It’s because I don’t love him and because I’m gay.” I stated with confidence.

“That’s not what I was going to ask you.” Allison said. “I just wanted to know what we did wrong in a past life to be going through all of this now?”

“I’m not certain but I get the distinct impression that there were matches involved.” I teased. “Your turn.”

“What?”

“Just when and how did you undo my bra last night?” I said with a blush. “If you hadn’t told me I would have walked into the party with the girls exposed.” Allison simply wiggled her eyebrows in response. “Whatever.” I scoffed.

“So do you think that if we just hide out here long enough they will just go away?” Allison asked in an almost serious tone.

“Not a chance.” I sighed.

We waited for a few more moments before the cold became unbearable. Reluctantly we returned to the house. Just as I had predicted we found Peter and Courtney eagerly awaiting us. Allison and I each retrieved our coats and rejoined our dates in the foyer. “I can not wait to see the rest of this house!” Courtney purred in Allison’s ear as she took her by the arm and led her out the front door. I swear if Peter had not took my hand and led me outside I would have kicked the youngster in the head. “So are the two of you related?” Courtney asked as she looked at Peter and I.

“No.” Peter laughed. “Well not yet. Stephanie is my girlfriend.” He beamed as he gripped my hand tighter.

“Really?” Courtney answered as she cast a curious glance my direction. “Oh yeah you know.” I thought as I shot her an angry glare. She responded with a weak smile that reeked of pity as she tried to drape her arm around Allison. The taller woman simply ducked away brushing off the young girl’s advances. “Huh? I wonder if anyone would notice if I pushed Courtney out into traffic? Oh stop it! Just a quick breakfast and then this nightmare will be over.” I scolded myself.

Upon reaching the Java House we found it crowded even at this early hour. We were forced to wait outside in the cold for a table. Courtney and Peter chattered away while Allison and I simply pretended to listen. Finally we were seated in a booth at the back of the restaurant. “Professor Kendell, Dr. Grant I haven’t seen you two ladies in awhile.” Betty our favorite waitress greeted us casting a confused look at Courtney snuggled up to Allison. Then she cast another confused glance over at Peter sitting next to myself.

Allison and I quickly requested a round mimosas and a pot of the house coffee. I looked over at Peter’s strange expression. I proceeded to order omelets for Peter and myself since he had grown strangely quiet upon Betty’s arrival. Allison and Junior followed suit each ordering cheese and mushroom omelets. I fought the gnawing at my stomach when Courtney decided to have whatever Allison was having. Allison just rolled her eyes at me. Betty returned quickly with our beverages. “Perhaps this will help my hangover.” Peter joked as he sipped his mimosa.

Betty returned to the table placing an ashtray between Allison and I. “I almost forgot ladies.” She apologized as Peter and Courtney’s eyes widen in shock. Granted Allison’s smoking had been reduced greatly. But when ever we took advantage of dining at the Java House we both indulged in smoking. Probably since it was one of the few remain places you could light up without being arrested. Without thinking I accepted the cigarette Allison offered me. “Stephanie!” Peter yelped. I quickly handed the cigarette back to Allison not wanting to explain the familiar exchange between Allison and myself.

“I didn’t know that you smoked?” Courtney asked in disgust.

“I’m trying to quit.” Allison grumbled weakly as she reluctantly returned the pack to the pocket of her camel hair over coat.

“So what’s up Pete?” Allison asked tersely. “You’ve become awfully quiet all of sudden.” Her shortening of his name did not escape my notice. Nor did escape my notice that Courtney was climbing all over her.

“I’m just putting something together.” He answered absently as my body stiffened. “Allison Kendell?” He said slowly.

“Yes?” She responded with a warning tone.

“The Allison Kendell?” His voice squeaked out. I felt him grip my hand tighter as I held my breath.

“I hope so I’m wearing her underwear.” Allison shot back.

“The lawyer?” Peter asked sternly. I released my breath in relief. Suddenly I realized what was going on.

“Peter.” I said to him as I gave him a look that I had hoped he would understand and not continue.

“I thought you taught history?” Courtney asked in confusion.

“I do.” Allison protested. She looked at me for help.

“Peter it was a long time ago.” I said quietly to him. I was hoping to calm him down. I remember how upset he was after my first encounter with Allison. I remember how he tried to cheer me up. One of the ways he accomplished his mission was to refer to Allison in not very nice terms. I found it hard to believe that he was just putting this together now? I had time admit sometimes his timing just sucked.

“What?” Allison questioned me holding up her hands in confusion.

“Lawyer Barbie.” I offered as an explanation.

“Great.” Allison groaned. “Just what did I do to you?”

“I’ll tell you what you did.” Peter shot out in anger.

“Peter.” I stopped him. “Let it go.” I warned him.

“Enough.” Allison cut in. “Yes it’s true I am that Allison Kendell. I was the lawyer from Wainwright and Griggs who made your girl … who made Stephanie cry. Not that it is any of your concern Pete, but I have already apologized for what I did. I wasn’t a very nice person back then.”

“None of my business.” Peter shot back in a protective manner.

“Jesus Peter why don’t you just mark your territory?” I thought as I watched the two of them try to stare each other down. “Peter it is in the past. Allison and I have already talked about this. She is my colleague and my friend.” I watched him hang his head in sudden embarrassment. He looked like a child who was being punished. He looked up at me with pleading eyes. “Oh boy.” I heard Allison sigh as she poured herself another cup of coffee.

“I’m sorry Allison.” Peter offered. “I just remember how much Stephanie had been hurt at the time. Forgive me?”

“No worries.” Allison muttered as she shrugged nonchalantly.

“So are you a lawyer or a history professor? Courtney asked in confusion.

“I am a history professor.” Allison tried to explain. “I was a lawyer. Can we drop this now?” Allison groaned.

“You were with Wainwright and Griggs? That is so funny.” Courtney giggled.

“Hysterical.” Allison responded flatly. “Just keep going little Courtney and maybe Allison will dump your perky ass before the check arrives?” I couldn’t help but smirk as the thought popped into my head.

“Kind of of yeah.” Courtney giggled once again. “Wainwright and Griggs are the reason I went to Law School.”

“You’re a lawyer!” Allison choked as she spit out her coffee, which managed to just miss hitting Peter.

“Not yet.” Courtney volunteered. “I just graduated from Harvard I still need to pass the bar. But it was the firm of Wainwright and Griggs that inspired me to get into law in the first place.” “Oh this is to good to be true.”

“Please tell me you are joking?” Allison pleaded.

“No.” Courtney boasted proudly. “Those bastards took every cent my Grandparents had. I decided to become a lawyer to make sure that didn’t happen to someone else.”

“Thank God.” Allison sighed as Betty arrived with our food.

Eager to avoid any more conversations or confrontations Allison and I ate quickly while Peter and Courtney chatted away like old friends. Occasionally one of us would answer a question or nod in agreement. I had no idea what they were talking about; I was simply relieved that the meal was almost over. As our dates continued chatting Allison and I drained the pot of coffee. Betty brought another round of mimosas that I have no idea who ordered. Allison reached for her coffee and Courtney reached for the inside of Allison’s thigh. I have no idea what came over me at that moment. Hell I know what overcame me. I was jealous! Without a second thought I made a sweeping motion with my arm like I was reaching for something. My aim was dead on. Courtney’s mimosa landed directly in her lap.

Courtney yelped as she jumped up in surprise. “I’m so sorry.” I lied as I suppressed my laughter at the sight of her orange stained crotch. I mentally high fived myself as I thought about how cold the drink was. “It’s okay.” Courtney muttered as she raced off to the ladies room. I was greeted by a disbelieving look from Allison. “Ooops.” I offered in my defense. Allison simply curled her lips and shook her head. Betty rushed over and quickly cleaned up the mess with Allison’s assistance. “Thank you Betty.” Allison offered. “It seams that Dr. Grant has lost control of her senses. ” She shot me another angry look. I simply shrugged off her accusation. “Could we have the check when you have a chance?”

Courtney rejoined us with a smile and a very wet pair of jeans. “Oh Cory that looks terrible.” I gasped trying not to sound condescending. “I am so sorry.” I lied once again.

“Courtney.” The youngster growled and then quickly smiled. “Not a problem accidents happen. I have another pair of jeans in my car.” She added as she began to caress Allison’s arm. “I can change at your place before we go.” She smiled to Allison. “She brought a change of clothes?”

“Go?” Allison and I said in unison.

“Weren’t the two of you paying attention?” Peter asked as the check arrived.

“Of course.” Allison lied.

“We better hurry if we are going to beat the traffic.” Courtney rubbed Allison’s shoulders. Allison just flashed a warning look at me. “Unless you don’t want to go to Salem? We could just stay in?” Courtney purred.

“No.” Allison said quickly as she pulled away from Courtney’s touch. “Salem at Halloween sounds like fun.” She looked to me for help. “No way stretch you are on your own.” I just smirked at her and received another glare. “Perhaps you and Pete would rather be alone?” Allison suggested.

“We have all day tomorrow for that.” Peter offered with a smile.

“That’s right.” I replied quickly.

Peter paid the check against our protesting. The four of us left the restaurant and Allison quickly pulled me aside and motioned for our dates to go on without us. “What in hell are you thinking?” She spat out once we were alone.

“If you think I’m going to leave alone with Lolita there … you are sadly mistaken.” I responded bitterly.

“What’s it to you?” Allison scoffed. “I’m not your girlfriend.”

“No you’re right you are not my girlfriend.” I shot back. “I’m not anyone’s girlfriend.”

“Well that will be news to Pete.” She snarled.

“His name is Peter.” I argued. “And I’m going to tell him the truth.”

“When?” Allison groaned. “After you the two of you are married and have twelve children?”

“Today!” I shouted as I closed the distance between and poked her in the chest. “I’ll tell him everything today.”

“Do what you want.” She shot back as she pressed against me.

“Fine I will.” I spat back. “Shouldn’t you get back to your date before her curfew kicks in?”

“Very clever.” Allison sneered as I pulled her hips into my body. “It’s none of your business.” She groaned pushing herself into me.

“You’re right it’s none of my business.” I gasped as my body moved against her. “Do what you want. Date her. Fuck her for all I care.”

It was the harshness of my own words that brought me back reality. There I was pressed up against the brick wall of the Java House practically having sex with Allison in the middle of the street. I was about to pull away as I felt her strong thigh slide between my legs. I clutched her hips and thrust my hips against her. All I wanted to do at that moment was to ride her thigh until I found the release that I so desperately needed. “Does he make you feel this way?” A cruel voice whispered hotly in my ear. That was it. I pushed her away and stomped off fighting back the tears. I could feel her presences following me as I walked back to the house. “Hey there you two are.” Peter called out as we approached. They were smiling and waving as they stood next Courtney’s aging Volvo. Courtney had already changed into a fresh pair of blue jeans and was holding the car door open. Peter took my hand and before I realized it I was sitting in the back seat with him. Allison climbed into the front passenger seat and slammed the door.

The trip was long and strenuous. Peter and Courtney chatted away at every stop we made. Allison hid behind her dark Rayban sunglasses and we kept our distance. I could feel her anger emanating from her. I simply grinded my teeth and stewed in my own anger. Now was not the time to have my little chat with Peter. But I did try repeatedly to get him alone so we could talk. Allison was right. Peter did everything he could to avoid being alone with me. He was however determined to show me a good time. He had taken my hand on the drive up and refused to release it during the entire outing. I noticed several woman eyeing him. I silently wished that he would notice them.

The hour grew late and Allison wanted return before dark so she could hand out candy to the neighborhood children. We drove back I could feel the tension growing as we approached our house. Allison and Courtney left us. They had plans to hand out candy then they were going dancing. Peter and I would finally be alone and I could sit him down. Upon entering the apartment he excused himself to the bathroom. This was it! I sat down on the futon and waited for him. I was confused when I awoke several hours later covered in a blanket. The emotional turmoil and lack of sleep must have caught up with me. “Come on Sweetheart.” Peter said gently. “I thought we could go dancing tonight.”

Still half asleep I nodded mutely and made my way to the shower. I showered and dressed on autopilot. It wasn’t until we were heading out the front door that it hit me. I was going out with Peter! “How did that happen?” During the trip into Cambridge I made several valiant efforts to talk to him. But he kept changing the subject. He was very excited about the place we were going. He had arranged to meet a friend of his. Bob something or other was meeting us. So much for being alone. “I can’t wait for you to meet Bob.” Peter chimed as we walked from the parking garage on Green Street. I saw the black building and the crowd waiting to show their ids so they could enter. “There’s Bob.” Peter waved excitedly to his friend.

Bob was a well built tanned blonde surfer type. He talking to or at least was trying to talk to a familiar raven-haired beauty. “Wow for a second I thought that was Allison.” Peter gasped. “Close.” I replied noticing the similar features. The same infectious laugh and cocky stance. The only noticeable difference was the height and the brown eyes. We approached the pair as Bob waved us over. Startled brown eyes smiled at me warmly. “Hey Blondie.” Nicole greeted me with a warm embrace. “You know each other?” Bob ranted. “Wow that is great.” Nicole simply rolled her eyes. “Hi I’m Bob.” He beamed as he offered his clammy paw to me for a luke warm embrace. “Stephanie.” I replied causally.

“So now that you have met my friends maybe you will let me buy you that drink?” Bob persisted.

Nicole shot her elbow back and connected with his rib cage. Bob gasped for air. “I told you before buddy, I don’t drink.” Nicole growled. “I see that the Kendell charm is in full swing.” I joked.

“Speaking of charm where is the Amazon?” Nicole inquired. “Don’t tell me she made you wait in line by yourself. I’m going to have to teach that girl some manners.”

“Date.” I said flatly. “She is on a date.” I explained further to Nicole’s confused gaze.

“I see.” Nicole scowled. Then I watched her eyes widen as she caught Peter’s eye. “Well Hi there. I’m Nicole.” She offered her hand to him.

“Peter.” He squeaked as he draped his arm around my shoulders. Another curious look swept across the younger Kendell’s face. “I’m Stephanie’s boyfriend.”

“Uh huh.” Nicole responded with a sudden indifference.

“So are you related to Allison?” Peter asked uncomfortably.

“Yes. She is my older and seriously misguided sister.” She answered wryly and winked at me. “So what brings you kids to the Galaxy?”

“The Galaxy?” I gasped. Damn it! This is where Allison was coming tonight.

The doorman requested our id’s as he simply waved Nicole in. She took my hand and led me in the doorway. “She’s with me.” She explained leaving Peter and Bob dumbfounded. The doorman simply stamped our hands without question. We walked in and Nicole waved to the cashier who simply waved us in. “You don’t pay?” I questioned.

“No back when I was drinking I think I dropped my entire trust fund here.” Nicole explained. “So Peter’s cute.” She smiled.

“You want him?” I offered hopefully. Looking over at the red neon sign with the words The Galaxy emblazed across it. “I can’t believe he brought me here? This is where your sister is coming.”

“This should be fun.” Nicole groaned.

“Fun it is then.” Bob offered.

“Listen Bubba …” Nicole scoffed.

“Bob.” He retorted not getting the hint.

“Whatever.” Nicole snarled then she leaned over and whispered to me. “This jerk has been hitting on me since I got in line.”

“Hey Nicole.” A voice called out.

“Sorry that’s my friends.” She apologized waving back a group of people. “I hate to ditch you but we are all from the program. We kind of like to keep an eye on each other in places like this.” With that she gave me a quick hug and waved to Peter before joining her friends.

Left alone with Bob and Peter I looked around the expansive nightclub. I was impressed. To my left was a room with a large dance floor. The lights pulsated to the music as two disco balls glimmered above the sea of bodies dancing to YMCA. I could not help but notice the diversity of the crowd. There were many people donned in Halloween costumes for the festivities. Others were clad in traditional Goth or PVC. While many people were dressed in blue jeans and Tshirts. There were men and women dancing together, men and men dancing together and women and women dancing together. No one seemed to mind the differences of the people they shared the dance floor with.

The large dance room had three full bars open. I watched in amazement as the bartenders moved with grace and ease even though they were swarmed with customers. “How can they hear anything?” I wondered aloud.

“Most of the bartenders have been here for years.” Bob explained. “I still don’t know how they do it. Most of them are hard of hearing. Just be sure they can see your stamp when you order.”

“Why?” Peter asked as we both examined the black stamp of Elroy from the Jetsons placed on the back of our left hands.

“It let’s the bartender know that you are over twenty one.” Bob answered. “See the kids with the large black X’s on both hands. They are under age. Their first stop is usually downstairs to wash off the marks in the bathroom. But the bartenders won’t serve them unless they see a stamp. It’s Massachusetts and the laws are very strict.”

Just as Bob finished his explanation I looked over to my right. This room was decorated as a lounge area with a long bar cover the length of the back wall. The room had velvet couch and several arm chairs. There was also two old time video games and a pool table. The bartender was a tall African American man standing there with his hands placed firmly on his hips. “Listen sweetie no stamp mean no cocktail.” He explained impatiently. “Now if you are old enough you will haul your pretty ass back over to security and get a stamp.” The youngster just slumped away.

I chuckled at the sight. When I cast my eyes back to the lounge area I saw them at the pool table. Allison was bent over trying to make a shot while Courtney was trying to feel her ass. My blood was boiling. “Why was Allison letting her touch her? Stop it Stephanie. Remember you don’t have any right to feel jealous. You said it yourself this morning. Allison can date whomever she wants. Hell you even told her she could fuck the girl for all you cared.” I lied. I do care more than I should.

Just as I was about to storm over and break up the little party a felt a hand on my shoulder. I spun around to find Maureen smiling back at me. I hugged her quickly. Then I made the proper introductions. She in turn introduced us to her husband Mort. Peter, Bob and Mort offered to check our coats. “Come on let me buy you a drink.” Maureen offered as she led me through an open doorway. On the other side of the doorway was another dance room with three more bars in full service. This room was smaller and darker than the first with gothic paintings adorning the walls. At the far end of the room was a stage covered with wrought iron bars. In the opposite end of the room was a telephone booth. “What’s with the phone booth?” I questioned.

“That’s so you can make a request from the dj in this room.” Maureen explained. “Come on let’s go to Teresa Raven’s bar.”

Maureen guided me threw the crowd and shouted above the eighties new wave blaring from the speakers. She led me to the largest bar in the room near the telephone booth. Behind the bar was a tiny woman with platinum blonde hair dressed in a flowing black dress. I wondered how she could move so will in such an outfit? As she approached us I noticed that both of her wrists were tattooed in a floral pattern and both her nose and lip were pierced. “What can I get for you Ladies?” She asked brightly.

“Captain and coke.” Maureen ordered quickly.

“Something strong.” I shrugged.

“Red Death.” Teresa suggested.

“We don’t want to kill her.” Maureen interjected. “How about a Cuervo sunrise?”

“No tequila.” I said sternly. “Just a white zinfandel.”

Teresa nodded and departed to fix our cocktails. “So how old is that child with Allison?” Maureen shouted over the GoGo’s.

“According to Allison old enough.” I answered bitterly.

“For what?” Maureen laughed. “I heard the four of you had just a super day!” Maureen teased with a wide-eyed expression.

“Who said that?”

“The teenager.” Maureen answered sarcastically. “Look out here comes trouble.” Maureen said looking over my shoulder. I steadied myself and was relieve to find Nicole approaching us. She waved to Teresa who just nodded. Nicole joined us. “Ladies.” She greeted us. Teresa returned with our drinks and a bottle of Poland Springs water for Nicole.

“I have this.” I offered as I reached for my wallet.

“Thanks.” Maureen and Nicole accepted.

“Just make you sure you tip Teresa well.” Nicole pointed out. “Rumor has it that she once killed a coat check girl.”

“What do mean rumored?” Teresa laughed as she accepted my money.

“Still you wouldn’t want to be Lucyed on your first trip here.” Maureen offered.

“What’s that?” I asked.

“To be Lucyed you must do two things.” Teresa explained. “You must be rude and cheap. If you are then you could walk up to the bar with Lucy Lawless strapped to your ass and I still wouldn’t wait on you.” Teresa then pointed to the button she was wearing that stated in bold purple lettering ‘Don’t make me use the Lucy Law!’

“Who?” I questioned not understanding. “Never mind just keep the change.” I teased.

“Thank you Miss.” Teresa smiled and went off to wait on more patrons.

“So, what are you Gals talking about?” Nicole inquired.

“I was just going to ask Stephanie here where she and Allison disappeared to last night at the party?” Maureen stated smugly as she sipped her cocktail.

“Do tell?” Nicole encouraged.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” I answered.

“Come on Stephanie share.” Maureen pushed. “Tell us what is going on?”

“Who knows?” I responded with a hint of defeat in my voice.

I sipped my wine and pretended that the two of them weren’t staring at me. “I don’t want to talk about it.” I said finally as I slammed my glass down on the bar. I looked at Maureen who was standing to my left. She just smiled at me. I turned to Nicole who was standing on my right with her arms folded across her chest giving my the same knowing look. I was trapped. “It’s the truth I don’t know what is going on.” I offered and received two disbelieving glares cast down at me.

“There you are.” Mort called out as he approached his wife. He placed a tender kiss on her cheek. “Everyone is looking for the two of you. Hey Nicole how are you?”

“No complaints Mort. Good to see you.” Nicole answered warmly.

“We will be with you in just a second Mort.” Maureen explained to her husband. “We were in the middle of some girl talk.”

“Please hurry.” Mort pleaded. “Peter is nice enough but that Bob guy is driving me crazy.”

“Bob?” Nicole groaned.

“Yeah.” Mort sighed. “If we don’t get back there they might just come looking for us.”

“Gotta go.” Nicole spit out quickly and disappeared into the crowd.

Maureen groaned as her back up left alone. “Come on.” She conceded. “Thank you Mort!” The three of us departed the bar and made our way back into the lounge area. At the bar we found Peter and Bob. They weren’t alone, little Courtney had joined them. “Look who I found!” Peter said brightly.

“Hey there.” Courtney giggled as she waved to us. “We were just going to do some shots.”

“Maybe you could fix her up with Peter.” Maureen whispered to me slyly.

I laughed thinking about how well the two of them got along. It would be the perfect solution. Just then a tall beautiful blonde approached the bar. Everyone with exception of Maureen turned and watched her as she ordered and got her drinks. Maureen just glared at Mort. The rest of the party including myself watched the blonde as she walked away. Peter was definitely not Courtney’s type.

“Mort.” Maureen growled at her husband who was now hanging his head in shame. All eyes turned to me expecting me to do the same to Peter. “How could I since I had also checked out the woman’s attributes?” I just shrugged catching a knowing smirk from Courtney.

“How many kamikazes?” The tall bartender asked.

“None for me.” Maureen said quickly. “This is my last drink since I am driving.”

“Darling?” Peter asked.

“No thank you.” I replied as I waved off the offer. The last thing I needed was to get drunk.

“Five then.” Courtney ordered.

“Five?” I questioned.

“Yeah the four of us and one for Allison.” She responded brightly.

“She won’t drink that.” I added honestly. Little Courtney just glared at me.

“I won’t drink what?” The deep alto voice said from behind me.

“We’re doing kamikaze shots.” Courtney offered brightly.

“No thanks.” Allison said bluntly as Courtney pouted. “Daisy four shots and a bottle of Poland Springs.”

“Daisy?” Peter questioned in confusion.

“Yes?” The tall bartender said as he wink at Peter. Peter’s voice turned paled as he wrapped his arm around me and pulled me closer. Daisy just laughed and he lined up the shots and a bottle of spring water for Allison. She paid for the round quickly and tipped the man generously. “Thanks Daisy.” She smiled. Our four companions downed their shots quickly and proceeded to order another round and beers to follow their shots. The four of them continued to drink while Allison, Maureen and I talked about school. The three of us passed on all offers for alcohol. Courtney seemed disappointed that Allison wasn’t joining in on the festivities.

Nicole approached quietly and pulled Allison aside. The two of them walked to the other side of the lounge and began an very animated conversation. I caught one or two words that they were saying. Unfortunately they were speaking French again. “What the hell?” Courtney growled catching sight of the two of them approaching the crowd. “Now what?” Courtney slurred as the Kendell sisters rejoined us. I felt no need to inform Courtney that Nicole was Allison sister. Let her think what she wants. Apparently Maureen agreed with my choice as she stood there smirking. “This has been happening all night.” Courtney slurred again.

“Imbecile!” Nicole snapped at her sister as she shook her head in disgust. Allison simply held up a cautioning finger in her sister’s face. Courtney strutted over to Allison and placed a possessive hand on her arm as she stood toe to toe with Nicole. Courtney raised a warning finger and was about to poke her in the chest when Allison stopped her. “Se conduire, petit fille!” Nicole warned. I have no idea what she was saying but it did not look good for Courtney. “Ivre?” Nicole asked looking at her sister and then casting a look at Courtney.

“Oui.” Allison nodded.

“Listen you Euro trash …” Courtney began to sputter.

“Stupide, bete.” Nicole laughed as she stared down at the youngster.

“Down Courtney.” Allison cautioned her. “My sister is a black belt.”

“I’m not the only one.” Nicole smiled up at her older sibling.

“Sister?” Courtney blushed. “Oh my gosh. I had no idea. I’m so sorry.”

“Uh huh.” Nicole waved Courtney off with in difference. “Une petite fille.” Nicole scoffed looking at her sister.

“Arret!” Allison warned her sister.

“Do you know what they are saying?” I whispered to Maureen.

“From what I can catch Nicole just called Courtney stupid and a little girl.” Maureen whispered back with a smirk. At this point Nicole pushed past her sister and her date and joined us. Bob quickly rushed over. “Glad to see you came back.” He leered. “You’re sure I can’t buy you a drink?”

“She doesn’t drink.” Allison growled.

“Ally.” Nicole waved her off. “I can handle this chien. Listen Bert …”

“Bob.” He corrected her.

“Whatever.” Nicole rolled her eyes. “I don’t drink not ever. I can’t I’m in AA.”

“Huh?”

“I’m a alcoholic.” Nicole spelled it out for him.

“Oh.” He finally caught on. “Well how about a dance?”

“No.” Nicole brushed him off.

“Why?” He seemed confused. “Are you … well you know like your sister?”

“You mean a lesbian.” Nicole laughed. “Hell no. I just think you are obnoxious.”

“Right.” He laughed. “So about that dance?”

“Not the sharpest knife in draw is he?” Nicole concluded. Just then a beeping sound interrupted the conversation. Nicole grabbed the pager clipped to her belt and quickly examined it. “That’s me.” She explained. “It’s the hospital. I’m on call. I need to go. Allison I will talk to you later. Mort, Maureen good seeing you. Peter a real pleasure meeting you.” She smiled sweetly at him. “Stephanie I’m sure I will see you again.” With that she smirked at her sister and left.

“Nice meeting you.” Courtney called after her. Nicole never turned around. “So your sister is a doctor?” She asked Allison.

“Resident at MGH.” Allison replied.

“I wouldn’t mind playing doctor with her.” Bob drooled.

“Excuse me!” Allison snapped. “You wouldn’t be making any unwanted advances towards my baby sister now would you?”

“Huh?” Bob looked around unaware of the danger he was in. “She is so hot.”

“Bob.” Peter cut in placing himself between Allison and Bob. “Dude shut up now.” Peter warned him. Bob just got that far away look in his eyes. “Hey you know the bartender in the disco room said you were cute.” Peter added.

“Really?” Bob beamed and strutted into the disco room.

“Thank you.” I said as I took Peter’s arm breathing a sigh of relief that no blood had been spilled.

“No problem.” Peter answered. “He’s not a bad guy. He just a little bit of a …”

“Dumb ass.” Allison cut in. This received a rousing round of laughter from the entire group.

“Basically.” Peter agreed.

“You know the bartender you sent him to is a lesbian.” Allison explained.

“Yes I do.” Peter smirked knowingly. This received another round of laughter.

The tension had vanished from everyone with the exception of myself. I found myself standing there with my hand on Peter’s arm. It was such a small gesture but I understood its implications. It somehow said that I was his. Peter and Courtney were about to order another round of drinks. “Peter.” I cautioned him not wanting a repeat of last night. I pulled him over to me and leaned up and whispered in his ear. “Peter we need to talk.” I had finally said it and I was certain not anyone else had heard me. Now was the time to get him out of there. “Okay.” He said loudly. “But first you owe me a dance.” He added brushing off what I had just said. “What do you say?” He smiled. “Dance with me.” Everyone was looking at me with the exception of Allison. “What could I do?” I allowed him to take my hand and lead me into the front dance room.

Peter and I had always danced well together until tonight. Perhaps it was the guilt but every time he touched me I pulled away. I survived dancing to three songs before I could pull him off the dance floor. As we were exiting the dance floor I saw Allison and Courtney dancing very closely together. Allison looked incredible tonight with her black jeans and red silk blouse. Watching her sway to the music was thrilling. But it broke my heart to see another woman touching her.

Peter and I rejoined the others. Bob had returned apparently shot down by the bartender. Everyone was deep in conversation. What they were talking about was a mystery to me. I failed to join in on the conversation. I just watched the dance floor trying to catch glimpses of Allison and Courtney. Someone said something to me but I failed to responded. I was far too busy looking for a certain dark haired beauty. They had disappeared into the crowd. Peter slid his arm around me and out of habit I placed my hand in his. It was a familiar yet empty gesture. Just as it had always been.

“Stephanie?” A voice called to me. “Huh?” I was shaken out of my thoughts as I realized that it had been Peter talking to me. “I asked if you wanted something to drink?” He asked. “No thanks.” I answered as I looked back towards to the dance floor. Frustrated and feeling a little bit like a stalker I excused myself and went downstairs to the ladies room. It was crowded and to my surprise the long line of people included men. Granted most of them were wearing dresses but for a girl who grew up in Connecticut it was a bit of a shock. No one else seemed to notice. I looked around at the young faces and suddenly began to feel self-conscious. I was definitely over dressed in my black dress and heels. Not to mention my matching purse.

Standing in line gave me time to think. The events of the day had been so surreal. I could have stopped most everything from happening. All I had to do was break up Peter. All I needed to do was to finally tell him that it was over between us. I could have done it last night or this morning. Instead jealousy won out and I spent the day touring around Salem. There was no way in hell I was going to leave Allison alone with that girl. If only I had trusted Allison and done what I knew I should do? Look where it got me. Peter was doing everything he could to avoid talking to me alone. Allison was pissed off because I was allowing him to get away with it. Courtney was doing everything she could to get Allison into bed. At this rate if I don’t pull myself together I am going to end up as a flower girl at their wedding.

I left the ladies room deciding that hiding there was not going to solve anything. As I stepped out into the dark hallway I felt a familiar hand on my arm. Gently she pulled me around the corner next to the pay phone. I had known her touch instantly. I pulled her close to me and held her tightly. “Allison.” I whispered.

“How are you holding up?” She asked gently as she stepped slightly away from me.

“Not very well.” I answered honestly. “I’m sorry about today. I should have never gone to Salem.”

“No.” Allison responded firmly. “This is my fault. I had no right telling you what you should do. This is none of my business.”

“None of your business?” I answered sadly. “So last night and this morning meant nothing to you? It meant something to me. I don’t go around just kissing anyone.” There was no harshness to my words just simple honesty.

“Of course it meant something to me.” Allison answered looking deeply into my eyes. “It means so much to me that it is scaring the hell out me. Stephanie you have no idea of the power you hold over me. Last night, this morning and right now.”

“Right now?” I moaned as she lowered her head and ran her tongue across my lips. Her lips brushed mine gently as her tongue begged for entrance. I parted my lips and allowed her in. I pulled her closer as our kiss deepened. I felt my legs opening slightly as her thigh slid between them. Our bodies melt together. I could feel my legs tremble as became aware of the wetness between my legs. I shivered as I felt a hand feeling it’s way up under the hem of my dress and caressing my cheek.

I felt lost not knowing where I stopped and she began. A sudden coldness overcame me as she pulled away. I opened my eyes as I felt the coldness of the basement wall I was pressed up against. Only moments ago I was on fire. Her touch alone had burned me and now I was freezing. “Not like this.” She explained tenderly as she brushed her hand across my face. “We’ll talk later.” She offered as her other hand retreated from under my dress. I nodded to her as I straighten my clothing. She brushed my arm gently and then and walked away. Her departure wasn’t like the other times. Allison was not running away. I stood there for a moment as she went to the coat check her eyes never leaving mine as she received the clothing and departed. I gave her time to make her departure while I collected myself. Finally I went upstairs.

I touched Peter gently on the arm and with a new found sense of strength I whispered to him. “We should go.”

“But it’s still early.” He protested.

“You’re not leaving too?” Bob piped in. “First Courtney and Allison and now you two. “

“It was past Courtney’s bedtime.” Maureen added snidely.

“I just can’t believe that those two beautiful women are lesbians.” Bob add in disbelief.

“Oh please.” Daisy scoffed from behind us he just smiled and pretended to be busy.

I shot Bob a cold look suddenly wishing that Peter had allowed Allison to kill him. I grabbed Peter firmly by the arm. “Excuse us.” I said as I dragged Peter away from the others. “Peter.” I spoke firmly as I placed my hand over his mouth to stop him. “We have to talk and not here. Get our coats.” I demanded.

“Okay.” He conceded sadly. Then he turned back to the others as I walked over to the bar. “We’re taking off.” Peter announced with a false joyous tone.

“No.” Bob argued.

“Bob what would you do?” Peter teased him. “Stay here and look at your ugly mug or go home with her?”

Bob just laughed as he saluted Peter with his bottle of Rolling Rock. Daisy and Maureen just cast an all too knowing look at me. Peter went downstairs to get our coats and I ordered a bottle of water from Daisy. He brought it quickly. As I paid for the over priced water Daisy leaned over and very quietly said, “Girl you are going to break that boy’s heart.”

“I didn’t know that it showed.” I answered as I placed a tip on the bar.

“You know you might want to come in on a Thursday night.” Daisy suggested softly.

“Thursday?” I responded. “Isn’t that gay night. Oh … how did you know?”

“Oh please honey.” Daisy laughed. “You’re not fooling this queen with those Doris Day looks of yours. Of course from what I heard about Doris.” He teased.

I just laughed as I sipped my water. I only had the one drink that night but I wanted to be completely lucid for my talk with Peter. He returned with our coats and we said our goodbyes. I took his keys from him and we stepped out into the cold autumn air. Neither of us spoke as we walked back to the parking garage. The drive home was silent as well. As we crossed over the town line into Haven Peter finally spoke. “Is there someone else?” He asked in a strained voice.

“No.” I answered. “And yes.”

“What the hell does that mean?” He snapped.

“I have met someone.” I tried to explain. “But that isn’t why I’m …”

“Dumping me.” He snapped. “It’s true you’re leaving me aren’t you?”

“Peter, I’m sorry.” I said quietly.

“I don’t understand Stephanie.” He was bitter. “Are you … have you slept with him?”

“Oh boy! Of course he would assume it was a man.” Life can offer you so many options to a situation. Now of course I could have just told him everything right then and there and let everything hit the fan all at once. Or I could do what I did. Not lie but not tell the entire truth. Somehow I thought it would be easier on him if I just skipped over the most important reason why I was letting him go. “No.” I answered with some degree of honesty. “The truth is that I’m not in love with you.” Okay it was the truth but not the whole truth.

“Don’t say that!” He shouted.

I was thrown by his anger as we pulled up in front of the house I received a second shock. Courtney’s car was parked out in front. Peter and I just sat in the car each of us lost in our own thoughts. Finally he ripped off his seat belt and sprang out of car slamming the door behind him. I jumped out quickly. “Peter?” I pleaded.

“What!” He shouted.

“Please don’t.” I begged him.

“Don’t be angry!” He bellowed.

I just stared at him. “Let’s go inside and talk okay?” I offered calmly. He slumped his shoulders and nodded mutely. As we entered my apartment we were greeted by the obvious sounds of someone having sex. “Well at least your friends are having a good time.” He said bitterly.

“What do you mean?” I asked in horror.

He just gave me a knowing look and pointed to the ceiling. The sounds were most definitely coming from upstairs. There exact location was unfamiliar to me. It couldn’t be Allison! Why would she? But then again Courtney’s car is parked out front. I tried to dismiss the sounds as Peter shrugged off his coat. I just stood there with my hands in my pockets unable to focus on the events unfolding around me. I was jolted out of my musings by the sounds of laughter coming from Allison’s apartment. “I’ll make us some coffee.” I offered weakly.

I removed my coat and went into my kitchen. As I prepared the coffee I was relieved that the sounds from upstairs had ceased. “Had I wait too long? Or was this just some sort of game to her?”

“Stephanie?” Peter’s voice brought me back to reality. “Please tell me what I did to make you fall out of love with me?”

I turned to him slowly. “Oh Peter it’s nothing you did.” I answered him gently. “The truth is that I was never in love with you.” I swallowed hard as I watched his face turn pale. “What?” He gasped as sat down on the futon. He looked as if someone had just hit him hard. I went to him and knelt beside him. “That’s a lie.” He said in a daze. “I’m sorry.” I said softly. “It’s true. I love you as a friend. Peter you are my best friend. But I should have never let it go beyond that. This is my fault.”

“Never?” Peter said absently. “I don’t believe you.”

“I’m sorry.” I repeated over and over again. My heart was breaking for what I was putting him through. But I knew that if I stayed with him that I would be doing something far crueler than what I was doing now.

“Was it the sex?” He asked sincerely. “I knew that you never seemed comfortable with it. Was that it?”

“No.” I lied and I told him the truth. How could I explain to him that I spent my entire life thinking that sex was not something that interested me? But now just one look from Allison and I felt alive. “Peter I used you. I was so determined not to end up like my Mother that I lost sight of what my heart really wanted. I thought our friendship was enough.”

“When did all of this happen?” He was stunned. “I knew that something was wrong. You kept blowing me off and I had chase you down just to get you to talk on the telephone. When we did talk you were so distant. I thought maybe I was smothering you and then I thought maybe you were feeling neglected. I’ve struggling for months trying to figure out what the hell I was doing wrong? Stephanie when did I loose you?”

“I knew how I really felt not long after I moved here.” I answered suddenly feeling ashamed.

“I don’t understand?” He stammered. “Then why did you wait so long to tell me?”

“I didn’t want to hurt you.” I offered weakly.

“You didn’t want to hurt me?” He responded in a bewilder tone. “The only way you were going to do that was by not doing this. This is breaking my heart.”

“I don’t want that.” I cried. “I never wanted that. I wish there was someway I could undo all of this.”

“You can.” He pleaded with an odd sense forcefulness to his voice. “Stay with me. We can work this out. I know that you must have been in love with me once.”

“Oh Peter no.” I cried. “It’s over.”

We talked for hours while Peter made a few more attempts for a second chance. When the sun came up we were both exhausted. When it was time for him to leave I hoped that he had finally accepted that it was over between us. I had explained that I was afraid that I would lose his friendship. He told me he needed time to work this out. Reluctantly he left my apartment just before seven am. I stood in the driveway and waved goodbye to him. I prayed that it would not be the last time I saw him.

I turned to go back into the house when Courtney bouncing down the staircase greeted me. “Morning!” She giggled. “Rough night?” She asked pointing to the dress I was still wearing from last night. I tried to ignore her as I went to my apartment door. “So where’s Peter?” She smirked.

“He’s gone.” I said sadly.

“I see.” She answered. “Well I’m off. I guess I’ll be seeing you around.”

I spun around and gave the child a icy glare. “What’s that suppose to mean?” I snapped.

“What do you think?” She purred and nodded towards the upstairs and then cast a wink in my direction. “We should be quiet Allison is still sleeping. I’m afraid we didn’t get much sleep last night.” She boasted.

“Bitch.” I muttered under my breath and tried to retreat into my apartment.

“Really?” She responded coolly having caught my comment. “I’m a bitch. Forgive me but I wasn’t the drooling over someone else’s date yesterday. Tell me something Stephanie did your boyfriend take off because he finally figured out that it was Allison you wanted.”

“Where do you get off?” I snarled.

“Listen lady.” Courtney cut me to the quick. “I don’t know what your deal is. And I don’t care. All I do know is I’m the one who spent the night with Allison. What did you think would happen? That maybe she’d be willing to date you and Peter?”

“Peter and I are not together anymore.” I shot back. Why was I telling her this?

“Well isn’t that convenient.” She mocked me. “Whatever. Like I said I’ll be seeing you around. I’ll just make sure I keep plenty of clothes here just incase you decide to toss another drink at me. I didn’t miss a thing yesterday. So just back off blondie.” Having made her position clear she bounced out of the front door and was on her way.

I stormed into the apartment and slamming the door behind me. I stripped off my clothing and threw myself onto the futon and let the tears flow. I pulled my knees to chest and wept uncontrollably. “It couldn’t be true!” I cried over and over again until sleep finally claimed me. My dreams were a confusing stream of images. Allison kissing me. Allison kissing Courtney. Peter laughing at me. I was jolted out of my slumber by the sounds of music blaring from Allison’s apartment. I shivered from the cold as I realized that I had been sleeping naked on top of the bed. I dragged myself into the shower. I found no solace from the steamy water. None of this made any sense. I gave up and stepped out of the shower. I looked into the mirror. The sight of myself shocked me. I looked like Monday morning in Hell. My face was bloated; my eyes were puffy and red. Disgusted by the sight I slumped out of the bathroom. Grabbing a pair sweat pants and a T-shirt. I doubt that either were very clean. I dressed and debated on making a pot of coffee or simply going back to bed.

I looked at the clock noticing that it was after one in the afternoon. Allison never slept this late. “Was Courtney telling the truth? Had they slept together?” This just isn’t adding up. Was Allison capable of making out with me one moment and then bedding another woman the next? From everything I thought I knew about Allison it seemed out of character for her. Then how do you explain Courtney spending the night? And Allison sleeping in? Then there were the sounds of passion that had greeted Peter and myself last night when we entered my apartment. They had definitely been coming from upstairs.

Peter! The thought of how badly I had hurt him tugged at me. At least I finally did the right thing and let him go. Perhaps if I hadn’t wait so long I would have gotten the girl. Now it would seem that it was too late. There was a gentle knock on the door. I realized that the music was gone. I opened the door and found Allison smiling down at me. Suddenly I felt sick. Her face dropped at the sight of me. “Are you all right?” She asked tenderly.

“I’m fine.” I lied. I noted that I was becoming very good at lying lately.

“Are you sure?” She questioned me in disbelief as she reached for my hand.

I jerked away from her violently. I could not bare the thought of her touching me. “I said that I’m fine.” I snapped back bitterly. Her eyes widen in shock at my outburst. “Stephanie?” She whispered as she reached for me once again. I pulled away from her touch. “What is it?” She asked in a fearful voice.

“Look I just want to be alone right now.” I flared. My heart skipped a beat as I saw the pain reflected in her eyes. “I broke up with Peter last night.” I explained hoping that she would just leave.

“Is there anything I can do?” She offered. “Do you want to talk?” She reached out to me again and tried to step into the apartment. I blocked her way without allowing her to touch me. “How can she be so callus?”

“I just want to be alone right now.” I repeated as I clenched my fists.

“Are you sure?” She asked with such sweetness that I almost believed her.

“Yes.” I answered firmly.

“Well … all right then.” She said hesitantly. “I’ll be upstairs if you need anything.” Reluctantly she turned from my doorway and walked away. I slammed the door behind her. I tried to hold myself together but it was useless. I sobbed and crawled into bed. In the past twenty-four hours I had probably cried more than I had my entire life. There was no stopping the tears. The pain seemed unbearable.

I hated myself for being so weak. I hated her for making me fall in love with her. With each tear that fell I whispered her name and asked myself ‘why?’ Over and over again.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

I know that the road to true love can sometimes be a rocky path. But this was ridiculous! Over the course of the next few weeks I felt as if I had lost all sense of reality. It all began on that first Monday. Allison had been very friendly that morning. She knocked on my door and offered me a cup of coffee and a ride to work. Since my emotions were still on edge and my ego was bruised despite the frigid temperatures outside I declined. Allison seemed hurt by my indifference. But I stuck to my guns. I had decided that mooning over Allison was not helping my situation any. It was time that I put some distance between us. Admittedly Allison had made every attempt to talk to me. This time I was the one who was putting up walls. I couldn’t help myself. I was hurt. No matter how many times I reasoned that I had no claims on Allison and she was free to sleep with whomever she wanted to, I felt betrayed.

I also felt some confusion as to whether I had jumped into all of this far too quickly. Was being gay what I really wanted? Is this who I really am? Then I would look back on the women in my life and what I had shared with Allison and Gigi. This was the road I was meant to travel. Still at times I had my doubts. Then I would see Allison and I knew how my heart felt. If only she could feel the same for me.

Matters were not being helped any by little Courtney’s constant visits at night. I suppressed my overwhelming desire to wipe that smug expression off of her cute little face. I had to remind myself that the little tramp was right. She was the one who had shared Allison’s bed on Halloween and not me. I just kept distancing myself from Allison as much as I possibly could. No easy task since we shared an office and I lived downstairs from her. It didn’t help that we also had a book to finish. We did manage to get some work done. At my insistence we only worked on it while we were on campus. I had no desire to find myself working late with Allison in her apartment. Now I only use my study in her apartment when Allison is not around. Her absences are becoming more and more frequent. I assumed that she had been spending her nights with Courtney. For the past week Allison would return home just before dawn clad in clothing from the previous day.

That first Thursday after Halloween I took a bold step and went to the Galaxy. I took the train into town and arrived very early. Since I was one of the first people to arrive I seated myself at Teresa Raven’s bar. The place was deserted. I began to wonder if I was wasting my time. Teresa took pity on me and explained that the crowd didn’t start coming in until at least eleven o’clock. This presented a slight problem. Even though Boston is a major city its public transportation system left a great deal to be desired. If I wanted to catch the last train back to Haven I would need to leave the nightclub no later than 11:30.

I told myself that it was just as well since I only wanted to check things out. As Teresa had promised the club began to fill up quickly just before eleven o’clock. I spent my time watching people dance. I even spotted a few of my students. “No wonder they are always tired on Friday mornings!” While I was watching the crowd a young girl with dark hair and thick black glasses approached me. She asked me to dance. I declined politely. She proceeded to offer to buy me a drink. I declined once again explaining that I would need to be leaving soon since I had a train to catch. She then offered me a ride. I smiled at her boldness and declined once again.

I stepped out into the freezing night air and walked to the T station. As I walked I was filled with mixed emotions. On the one hand I felt very much like an outsider. On the other hand the young girl’s advances had made me feel less like a wallflower. I was positive that I could get the hang of this. There must be an easier way than this though? What was the proper etiquette for lesbian dating? If I was to move on with my life this was something I needed to find out.

It was after midnight when I returned to Haven. Upon approaching the house I could see Courtney’s Volvo pulling away. It had been a rough week but I had survived. When I entered my apartment the light greeted me on my answering machine blinking. I checked the machine to find two messages waiting for me. The first was from Peter wanting to know how I was doing. He still sounded hurt as he stammered through his message. I needed to talk to him but not now.

The second message threw me for a loop. It was from Allison wanting to know if I wanted to have dinner with her. She also wanted to know if I was all right? I could not help but wonder if Courtney had been her plan B for the evening. It didn’t matter. I needed to move on. Even though I vowed to remain strong I listened to Allison’s message several times before I could erase it.

Another week passed in much the same fashion. I avoided Allison whenever she was around, which was not often. She was persistent though. She would always invite me to lunch or dinner. I declined politely enough explaining that I had far too much work to do. It pained me to say no but I felt I had no other option. That Thursday I returned to the Galaxy once again. I took the train in for the long journey into the city. With all of the transfers it could be confusing but I seemed to be getting the hang of changing from the green line to the red line. That night I found myself having a good time. The same girl with glasses asked me to dance once again. This time I turned her down directly. As I stood at Daisy’s bar I watched some people shooting pool.

I was growing bored and a little tired when I decided that it was time to leave. I searched my pocket for my coat check ticket. “You won’t find it in there.” A voice came from behind me. I spun around to find myself looking at a very attractive blonde with dark brown eyes. “And what won’t I find in there?” I played along relieved to find someone talking to me who was closer to my age. “My phone number.” Her eyes lit up as she played with me. “Really?” I continued our game as I smiled up at the taller woman.

“Tell me something.” I purred.

“Anything.” She cooed.

“Does this line ever work for you?” I laughed.

“Never.” She confessed brightly. “Rita.” She introduced herself and offered her hand.

“Stephanie.” I replied as I shook her hand warmly.

“So Stephanie should I try some more of my tired old all be it useless lines out on you?” She spoke gently as she leaned closer to me. “Or have you fallen madly in love with me already?” I laughed at her attempts. “Hmm it appears I still have to work my charms. Let’s see so what’s your sign?” I laughed harder at her antics. “Buy you a drink?” I laughed again. “Hey I was serious about that one.” She said sweetly. “Could I buy you a drink?” She repeated this time with sincerity.

“I’m sorry thank you but I was just about to leave.” I explained.

“No.” She protested. “Not without dancing with me first.” I offered no resistance as she escorted me out onto the dance floor.

Rita proved to be a fantastic dancer. I couldn’t believe that I was dancing with another woman. It felt right. I finally felt as if I belonged. There was something about the way she moved her body that excited me. Granted it was nothing close to what I felt when I watched Allison. But it was a start. When we finished our dance she took me by the hand and led me back to Daisy’s bar. We talked for a short while. I found that Rita was bright and intelligent and easy to talk to. She owned a small boutique on Newbury Street. She was everything I could want in a woman except for one small thing she wasn’t Allison. “I could have just kicked myself!”

I looked at my watch and gasped realizing that I had lost track of the time. “I have to go.” I blurted out suddenly.

“No.” She pouted. “I thought I was just beginning to charm you.”

“I have a train to catch.” I explained.

“Oh.” Her eyes widen. “I understand you don’t want to get stuck in town. Before you dash off Cinderella could I call you?” She requested with a slight blush.

I was at a loss as to just what I should do. Before I could conjure up some lame excuse Daisy placed pen and paper on the bar in front of me. There was simply no way of declining her request without being rude. I quickly scrawled my phone number on the paper and made my exit. After retrieving my coat from the coat check I raced out of the club and down Mass. Ave. I dashed into the T stop and was lucky to catch the waiting red line train to Park Street Station. From there I made my transfer to the green line. This time I was not so fortunate. It seemed to take an eternity for the correct train to arrive. Once I arrived at North Station I raced across the staircases and out into the street and crossed over to the commuter rail. I quickly scanned the monitors hoping that my train to Haven was still there. I had missed it. “Now what?” There were two options available to me. I could call the only person I knew in Haven that might come and get me. Or I could thank the powers that be that I had the foresight to bring my credit card with me.

Calling Allison was out of the question. I had no doubt that she would come to my rescue. But I possessed no desire to call her and explain that I had been cruising women and missed my train. Plan B it was. Thank God for plastic. Upon exiting the taxi I was uncertain what hurt me more? Seeing Courtney drive away at this hour or the seventy-five dollar charge on my visa card. As I approached the house I felt my breath catch in my throat. There she was standing out on her balcony. She was a vision bathed in moonlight. I just stood there mesmerized watching her staring out into the darkness. I felt the tears caress my face as I watched her. “What are you thinking about Allison? What is it out there in the darkness that you find so captivating?” It was as if she had sensed my presence as she turned slowly and looked down upon the street to where I was standing. She smiled sadly and turned away and entered her apartment. As her image faded from view I regained the use of my legs and entered the house.

I had no recall of how long I had stood on that sidewalk watching her. I could not erase the image of her from my thoughts. I wanted to nothing more than race up to her apartment. To go to her to touch her. Somehow I resisted the temptation and showered before climbing into bed. I lay awake thinking of her until the sun came up.

The following evening Rita called and invited me to lunch on Saturday. I was about to decline her offer when something stopped me. It was the sound of Allison and Courtney laughing on the staircase. I accepted the date with Rita instantly. As I hung up the telephone I felt very proud of myself for taking the first steps to break free of Allison. Yet there was still something nagging at me. It was the tone of Rita’s voice. It was so familiar. I had heard it many times over the past couple of weeks. It was the same tone Allison had used when she would invite me to dinner or lunch. Had Allison been asking me out on dates this entire time? That simply did not make any sense. Allison was seeing someone.

I decided that it didn’t matter. Even if Allison had been asking me out, there was no way I was about to play second fiddle to some kid. But had she been asking me out? It was all very confusing. Maybe this was simply the way that lesbians spoke to each other. I was so new to all of this. One thing was apparent I had a great deal to learn. Perhaps the lovely Rita would be the one who could teach me?

Lunch with Rita was very nice. We met at a small cafe on Newbury Street. Rita apologized that she would be unable to stay very long since she was needed back at her shop. She hinted that perhaps we could go out dancing that night. We had a great time as we ate and talked. Everything was perfect except for one small thing. Although I found her attractive there was something missing. This time it wasn’t simply who she wasn’t. It was just that there was no spark between us. As I pondered this revelation Rita unrepentantly provide me with the answers I was seeking.

“Are you involved with someone?” She asked me suddenly.

“No.” I answered truthfully. “But …”

“You’re just getting over someone.” She finished for me.

“How did you know?”

“Story of my life.” Rita responded casually. “So what happened?”

“It’s complicated.” I replied with reluctance.

“Always is.” Rita said gently. “I’m hear to listen if you want.”

“Okay you asked for it.” I sighed. “First I need to explain that this is all very new to me.”

“What?” She choked.

“It’s true.” I explained. “Up until a couple of weeks ago I had a boyfriend.”

“Excuse me?” She choked again. “You’re joking.”

“No.” I admitted quietly.

“I have to be honest.” She began slowly. “Normally I like a challenge.”

“But not first timers.” I said.

“Watch out for the ones that are into that.” Rita warned me. “And the woman who hurt you?”

“Oh well her.” I sighed again. “I waited too long and now she is with someone else. Someone young and perky.”

“Ouch.” Rita groaned. “Then she is a fool. Stephanie I need to honest with you. Don’t take this the wrong way it has nothing to due with your lack of experience. I find you very attractive but there is no …”

“Chemistry.” I blurted out suddenly relieved. “I know I feel the same way.”

“Too bad.” Rita sighed. “We would have had great looking kids.” She teased as I choked on my water.

“I’m sorry.” I laughed. “But hey I survived my first date with a woman.” I added hopefully.

“Here! Here!” Rita cheered as she toasted me with her glass of water. “Why don’t we still go out dancing tonight? As friends.” She added. “I hope that you will consider me a new friend?”

“I would like that.” I responded. “I really don’t know many people here in Boston. Or the community for that matter.”

“Good it’s settled then.” She smiled back. “We’ll go out tonight and scope chicks. I can drive you home so you won’t need to worry about catching the train. “

“I would like that.” I smiled. “Last time I missed my train.”

“That must have cost a small fortune.” Rita grimaced. “Well as your new friend I will drive you home anytime you need it unless of course one of us has a better offer.” She winked at the last comment. “I can show the ropes so to speak. I think this is great. There aren’t that many women our age hanging out in the clubs. Most of them have settled down and are living in the suburbs.”

“Is that suppose to cheer me up?” I teased.

I thanked her again and we talked for a while longer until she needed to return to her shop. We made plans to meet at the Galaxy later. I decided to take in the city until it was time for us to meet. I even enjoyed going on the duck tour and browsing through the local shops. Later that night we met up as planned. I was definitely on a roll that week. I met another woman named Josie and made plans to meet her the following morning to go roller blading along the Charles. Rita met someone as well but really wasn’t interested. Rita drove me home refusing to take any money for gas. I dug out my roller blades and laid out suitable clothing for my date in the morning. Josie seemed nice enough but I felt deep down that we really weren’t going to hit it off. I went to bed knowing that I would need to get up in a few hours and drive into town. Allison had left for New York that morning so I had the use of her car. I felt guilty about taking her car to go on a date with another woman. But not enough to endure the hell of public transportation on the weekend and this was the least of my problems with Allison.

*****

“I think that it is very important work.” Josie explained enthusiastically.

“I don’t understand.” I shrugged as I tried to urge my roller blades to speed up so I could gain some distance from Josie. “What do you have against Regis?”

“That game show is the dumbification of America.” Josie asserted.

“Dumbifiaction?” I questioned. “Is that a word?”

Josie just stared at me blankly. It would appear that Josie had ‘issues’ with the game show “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” I was not surprised at this point. It seemed that Josie had ‘issues’ with just about everything. Let’s see there were her abandonment issues, her issues with her parents, she had issues with the government, the environment, Starbucks, and everything under the sun including M&M’s. I was having a really problem with that one. In the twenty minutes since I met up with her and began our skate along the bike path that ran along the Charles River, Josie had explained in painful detail her ‘issues’. If that wasn’t enough to ruin my morning it seemed that she also belonged to every self-help group imaginable. Self-groups are admittedly important for the people who needed them. But Josie seemed to be a professional joiner.

“But couldn’t you simply just not watch the show?” I argued. “I know I signed a petition when I heard that Dr. Laura was going to be aired here. But isn’t the best way to stop a television show simply by not watching it. Don’t they rely on ratings? Isn’t that what we kept telling all of those uptight family value groups about Ellen? If you don’t like it don’t watch.”

“Oh I don’t own a television.” Josie explained. “I have had a major issue with it since I came to the realization The Facts Of Life was an excuse to exploit Tootie.”

“So how many people are in this Stop Regis Campaign?” I regrettable asked.

“Right now there is just Sharla and I.” Josie beamed mistaking my question for interest. “We met in our WATI support group.”

“WATI?” I asked before I could stop myself.

“Women Against The Internet.” She proclaimed proudly. “You do realize that this whole internet scam is just one more way that big brother can track us.” She cautioned me. “You could meet with us if you like. We discuss the whole issue on line every Wednesday night. WATI has a great chat room set up.”

“Chat room?” I spun around on my skates in shock. Unfortunately I should have paid more attention to my actions. I tripped over something and found myself lying on the bike path in agony.

After a short debate I allowed myself to be taken across the street to MGH (Massachusetts General Hospital). The emergency room was swamped. I gave the triage nurse all of my information while Josie remained glued to my side. I had to get rid of her. We were instructed to wait and I was given an ice pack for my knee. Josie fussed and fumed about the delay. I tried to reason with her as I pointed out that there were people in greater need of medical attention than I was. When she announced as loudly as she could that we were being made to wait because we were lesbians I wanted to climb under my chair. I wanted Josie to just go away. Gay, straight or indifferent Josie was just a really bad date. Finally we were shown to an exam room. I looked at the cotton Johnny. “Would you like me to help you with that” Josie offered. I simply shook my head sharply in refusal there was no way I was taking my clothes off in front of this woman. “I’m fine Josie. In fact why don’t you get going? I’m sure that you have a meeting.” I offered hoping she would take the hint and just go.

“Oh Baby.” She offered softly. “I am not leaving your side. In fact I’m calling my Father’s driver to come get us when this is over.” With that announcement she whipped out her cell phone.

“I thought you weren’t speaking to your parents?” I was dumbfounded.

“I’m not. But I have use of their driver which makes sense since I won’t go see them to pick up my weekly check.” Josie explained. “They just send the driver over with it to the town house they bought me.”

“Excuse me?”

“Well I need it to get around to all of my meetings.” Josie was so sincere and so delusional.

“Your parents support you?” I was at a complete loss.

“Of course I couldn’t very well be expected to have a ‘job’ not with all of the important work I have to do!” Josie answered with a smile.

“Put that away.” A very familiar alto voice commanded. I snapped my head around to see Nicole dressed in pale blue hospital scrubs and a long white lab coat with her hair pulled back in a French braid. “The cell phone.” Nicole insisted. “Turn it off. Apparently you missed the signs hanging everywhere explaining the dangers of using a cell phone in a hospital. Now put it away before you kill someone.” Reluctantly Josie complied as she gave Nicole an icy stare. Nicole was unaffected she simply smiled at me. “Miss. Grant I’m Dr. Kendell.” She smiled.

“I’m Josie Stendorf. Stephanie’s partner.” Josie announced boldly.

“No you’re not.” I shouted. “This is our first date.” I looked to Nicole for help. Suddenly I reached up and grabbed her by her lab coat and drew her down to me. “Make her go away. Please. She’s crazy. Nicole she has issues.” I pleaded. Nicole chuckled softly as she pulled herself away.

“Miss. Stendorf.” Nicole began in a very professional tone. “I am very familiar with Stephanie and she needs to do this on her own.” Josie opened her mouth to speak but Nicole quickly cut her off. “She has issues with privacy and apparently self assertion.” At the last part she cast a glance in my direction. Turning back to Josie she touched her gently on the arm. “You understand that it is very important for her to do this on her own?” Josie’s eyes widen with a sudden understanding.

“Oh yes of course.” Josie leaned over me and patted my shoulder in sympathy. “Call me I have some groups that could help you.”

And then Josie was finally gone for good I prayed. I breathed a sigh of relief. “Okay one scary date taken care of now let’s take of you.” Nicole smiled brightly. “First I need to ask you something …”

“I swear she seemed perfectly normal when she asked me out.” I protested.

“That’s not what I was going to ask you.” Nicole laughed as she shook her head. “I was going to ask you if you would feel more comfortable with another physician?”

“No.” I answered honestly.

“Good.” Nicole smiled. “Now put on the Johnny and I will be right back.”

“But …” I began to protest.

“No buts.” Nicole chastised me. “Put it on and I’ll be right back.”

“Rats.” I grumbled.

Once I was clad in the flimsy hospital gown Nicole returned carrying a clipboard. “Okay what happened?” Nicole placed the clipboard down and put on a pair of rubber gloves. She gently removed the ice pack and began to examine my knee. “We were roller blading along the Charles when Josie said something stupid. It caught me off guard and I fell.”

“Hmm.” Nicole said thoughtfully. She opened the back of the hospital gown and examined my back and then took a quick look at my head. “Did you hit your head at all?”

“No.”

“Lose consciousness at anytime?” She asked as she began to clean my knee with disinfectant.

“Ouch. No.” I answered.

“Raise your leg.” I obeyed. “Wiggle your toes.” I followed her instructions. “Any nausea?”

“Nope.”

“Dizziness?” She asked as she shined a penlight in my eyes.

“No.”

She returned the light to the pocket of her coat and retrieved her clipboard. “Are you on any prescription or none prescription drugs? Any allergies?”

“No and no.” I snarled.

“Did you drink any alcohol today?”

“Not yet.”

Nicole chuckled at me. “All right. We’re almost finished. It looks pretty superficial. We just need some x-rays just to be on the safe side.”

“Oh man.” I groaned.

“Just a precaution Stephanie.” Nicole was very reassuring. “I need to ask before you go down and they will probably ask you again but is there any chance you could be pregnant?” I just rolled my eyes and stared at her in disbelief. “I have to ask.” She explained.

“Well let’s see in the past three months I have only come close to having sex with one person and although your sister claims to have many skills I doubt that is one of them.” I teased causing Nicole to blush.

“I see.” She cleared her throat. “I’ll leave it to you to break the news to her on that one. Speaking of which …” I held my breath as I waited for her to finish her thought. “I can’t tell anyone about this. As your doctor I cannot even mention that you where here. Not to my sister not to anyone. As a patient you have rights. So this entire afternoon is Entre Nous.” I stared at her blankly. “Between us.” She explained. “Anything you tell me is confidential. I just needed you to know that.”

“I understand.” I sighed with relief. “Fortunately there is nothing to tell. There is one thing I would like to ask you. When Haven first hired me, I started on their insurance plan. I don’t really care for my doctor. He did a lot of unnecessary tests.”

“He didn’t cross the line did he?” Nicole questioned me the anger evident in her tone.

“No.” I reassured her. “He just tested me for everything. Like a pregnancy test even though I had explained that I had my period twice since the last time I had sex. He also tested me for every STD under the sun. Which is fine but I have already had all of those tests. I didn’t know if it was University policy or what?”

“No.” Nicole explained flatly. “Who is your doctor?”

“Dr. Fink.”

“Arthur Fink?” She asked.

“Yes.”

“Okay off the record as your friend get another doctor. He is known for running tests just to pad his bills to the insurance company.” Nicole explained. “Which is odd since he sucks as a diagnostician. Ally has the same HMO as you do. Her doctor is fabulous, Dr. Martha Chang she is who I would recommend.”

“I tried to get her but she wasn’t accepting any new patients.” I explained. “I have always felt more comfortable with a woman.”

“She has privileges here. I could talk to her if you like?” She offered as her pager went off she looked at it and scowled. “I’ll see when you back from x-ray.”

“Thanks Nicole.”

When I returned from having my knee x-rayed from every possible angle I quickly got dressed and waited. Nicole finally returned. “Well it seems that all you have is a really big boo boo.” Nicole smiled. “Just sign here and take these to the cashier and you are free to go.”

“Thank God.” I sighed as signed the paperwork and accepted my copies. “So is boo boo a technical term?”

“Absolutely.” Nicole grinned. “You might want to put some ice on that knee when you get home. Speaking of which how are you getting home?”

“I have Allison’s car.” I explained guiltily.

“That’s right she’s in New York.” Nicole added without missing a beat. “Well take it easy and I’ll see you on Thanksgiving.”

“Excuse me?”

“Don’t tell she hasn’t invited you?” Nicole groaned. I just shook my head in response. “Big dumb Amazon. Well I’m inviting you.”

“Nicole I don’t want to make your sister uncomfortable.” I explained. “Things are more than a little tense between us.” I also don’t want to see her at a holiday gathering with her new girlfriend.

“Fine.” Nicole conceded with a groan. “Oh by the way Thursday is …” Just then her pager went off again. “Damn.” She cursed as she snatched up the offending object. “I have to go. We have a GSW coming in.” She rushed off. Even I had seen enough episodes of ER to know that GSW was short for a gunshot wound.

After returning home I check on Mrs. Giavanni and ran her over to the local market for a few things. After putting away her groceries I joined her for a cup of tea. Finally I entered my apartment and collapsed on my futon thankful that the day was finally over.

*****

The following week proceeded in much the same fashion as the previous two. I talked to Rita about my date from hell omitting the part of running into Nicole. Rita just laughed at me. We made plans to go dancing at The Galaxy on Thursday. Even though there was no sexual tension between us I really enjoyed dancing with Rita. It was also nice to have someone to talk to.

I did receive a surprise on Tuesday when I walked into my office and discovered Allison sound asleep on the coach. Maureen walked in as I was standing there watching her sleep. She was covered in what appeared to be paperwork.

“Not again.” Maureen scowled. “Allison wake up!”

Allison grumbled loudly as she shifted on the couch in an effort to raise herself up. As the tall woman lifted her body the books and papers that had been covering her toppled onto the floor. “Merde.” She swore as she bent down to clean up the mess. I put down my briefcase and knelt down to help her. Maureen muttered something unintelligible as she stomped off.

“What is all of this?” I asked as gathered up her work.

“Just getting ready for midterms.” She grumbled once again. “I finished the work on chapter ten as well. It’s on your desk … I think.”

Allison scratched her head aimlessly. It was more than obvious that Allison was not fully awake yet. “Why are you working here?” I asked.

“Tired of getting the cold shoulder.” She muttered and suddenly snapped her head up and stared at me with surprised. “I’m sorry did I just say that out loud.”

“Yes.” I answered harshly.

“Forget I said anything.” She tried to apologize. “Look I’m just trying to do the right thing here.” She said quickly as she hurried to clean up her mess.

“I’ll get this.” I offered in confusion. “You’d better hurry home and shower.” She stared at me helplessly. “Go on.” I insisted.

Allison thanked me and rushed out of the room. Something was happening and I was completely clueless as to just what it was. Nothing seemed to making any sense. That night as I walked home I was determined to sit Allison down and have a very long talk with her. As I approached our house I discovered Courtney’s Volvo parked out front. It appeared that there was nothing for Allison and I to discuss after all.

On Thursday morning I was greeted by yet another surprise as I entered my office. Allison’s desk was covered with several arrangements of flowers. The office was empty and after a quick check into the hallway I dashed over to Allison’s desk. As I peeked at the cards I asked myself once again “at what point does this become stalking?” There were roses from her parents, Iris’ from Nicole and more roses from Chris. The cards all conveyed the same message. Today was Allison’s birthday. That was what Nicole had meant to tell me at the hospital.

Without a second thought I made certain that the cards were all returned to their proper positions. I quickly dismissed the idea of tossing Chris’ in the trash. I crossed back over to my own desk and snatched up the local directory and placed a call. I had a surprise of my own coming for Allison. Yes it was true that I was angry with Allison. But it was also true that my anger was born out of my feelings for her. I couldn’t allow her birthday to pass without doing something. As I finished up my call I could here familiar footsteps approaching. I could tell by the self-assured stride that it was Allison. I quickly threw open my briefcase and pretended to be working.

Allison entered our office took one look at her desk and asked dryly. “Who died?” Her eyes suddenly widen as a snarl crossed her face. “Ah crap.” She spit out as she dropped her briefcase. Just then Maureen bounced in waving a card around. “Happy Birthday!” She shouted joyfully. Allison simply groaned in response. “What?” Maureen laughed.

“I forgot.” Allison said grimly.

“That’s not like you.” Maureen responded in surprise. “You usually live for this stuff?”

“I guess I’m just not in the mood this year.” Allison said softly as she accepted the card and retrieved the briefcase. “Thanks for the card.”

Just then Allison’s telephone began to ring she rushed over to answer it as Maureen waved her goodbyes. “Professor Kendell.” She spoke in her professional voice. “No … no … please Mother no! Don’t sing!” Allison pleaded as she slumped into her chair and began to bang her head on her desk. “Please stop.” She implored her Mother. “No not Dad too!”

I started to laugh as my telephone rang. “Dr. Grant.” I greeted my caller with a chuckle.

“Well you seem to be in good spirits Blondie.” Nicole responded. “How’s the knee?”

“Fine.” I shouted over Allison’s fussing.

“What the hell is going on there?” Nicole asked.

“Your parents are torturing your sister.” I explained as Nicole laughed.

“Let me guess their singing?” Nicole laughed hysterically.

“From what I can gather.” I chimed in.

“I guess this call is a bit late then. I forgot to tell you the other day.” Nicole explained.

“No problem. I’ve got it covered.” I explained.

“Good. I’m also calling to let you know that Dr. Chang has agreed to take you on as a patient. You’ll need to set up an appointment with her. She is expecting your call.” Nicole explained.

“Thank you Nicole.” I said loudly to be heard over Allison’s grousing. Unfortunately I said it a little too loud. Allison’s head shot up over the cubicle wall and glared at me.

“Why is Nicole calling you?” Allison asked in desperation. “Not you Mom.” She said into the receiver.

“None of your business.” I teased. I could hear Nicole laughing on the other end.

“Stephanie.” Allison growled and shot me one of her best intimidating scowls.

“Nice try.” I teased.

“What?” She spoke into her telephone. “We work together.” Allison explained. “No you can’t talk to her. I have to go.” Allison pleaded. “Thanks for the flowers Love to both of you.” Allison ducked down long enough to hang up her telephone. Her head popped up and she glared down at me.

“So is she staring at you?” Nicole asked.

“Of course.” I replied.

“Let me talk to her.” Nicole sighed.

I stood and handed Allison the receiver. “Play nice.” I warned her.

“Why are you calling Stephanie?” Allison snapped. “I am not old and cranky.” I snorted at the comment. “Yes I got them their beautiful. Yes thank you. ” Allison relaxed slightly. “So why are you bothering my co-workers?” Allison listened for a moment. “Why can’t you tell me? What are you two conspiring?” Allison demanded as she glared at me. “Well if it’s nothing then you can tell me. ” Allison pushed. “Fine.” Allison conceded. “Thanks again for the flowers. Talk to you soon Nikki.” She handed the phone back to me and ducked back to her side of the office.

I hung up the telephone and began to chuckle. “You laugh?” Allison growled.

“What’s the matter? Feeling old.” I teased.

“Bite me.” She snarled. I listened as she began to slam the drawers on her desk. I knew instantly what she was searching for.

“You threw them out.” I sang cheerfully.

“I did.” She groaned painfully. “Why would I do that?”

“Because you want to quit.” I answered as I turned on my computer.

“Oh yeah.” She sighed. “That must be why I threw out that pack I had hidden at home.”

“When was the last time you smoked?” I asked as I logged on.

She paused for a brief moment before answering. “Halloween.” I could tell by her tone of voice that she was telling the truth. “Good for you Allison. Now isn’t this a great way to kick off a new year.” I encouraged her.

“Manger moi.” Allison muttered just loud enough for me to hear.

“Now why do I think that wasn’t a thank you?” I retorted.

“No it wasn’t. ” Allison snorted in reply. “But I would certainly enjoy it.”

I reached into to my briefcase and retrieved a book I had checked out of the library on one of my late night work sessions. I quickly flipped open the copy of Beginners French. “Now let’s see.” I spoke aloud as I flipped threw the pages. “Manger.”

“What are you doing?” Allison gasped as she raced over to my desk. “Stop.” She pleaded.

“Here it is.” I smiled. “Manger means ‘eat’ and moi means ‘me’. I see.” I blushed as I spoke. “I must say you Harvard girls certainly have an elegant way of expressing yourselves. You know when it comes time to return this to the library, I might just go out and buy a copy. You just never know when it might come in handy.”

“I … I … . I …” Allison stammered.

“Give it a rest Harvard.” I laughed deciding to let her off the hook. “Since it’s your birthday I’ll let it slide.” Allison sighed in relief. “Oh and thanks for the offer.” I added with a wink. I doubted that I had ever seen anyone turn that particular shade of scarlet before.

For a brief moment it was as if the past few weeks hadn’t happened. No sexual tension, just the two of us joking as friends. I had to admit it felt good. Allison returned to her side of the office and began working on her computer. I decided to check my email there was the usually University mailings. Some from my students, regarding finals. There was also one from Peter. His made me slightly uneasy. He invited me to join him and his family for Thanksgiving dinner. Thanksgiving was one week from today, where had the time gone? I emailed Peter back and thanked him for his offer, but I had to decline since we were no longer together I wouldn’t feel comfortable.

Seconds after sending my message I received a reply from him. It was very sweet and he invited me once again. I wrote back and used as much tact as I could muster and politely declined. There was no way I was going to get his or his family’s hopes up by attending the holiday gathering. I would just spend the day alone. Maybe Allison would let me use her kitchen so I could cook something up for myself make a day of it.

“Stephanie?” Allison called out from behind the wall. “I need to drive down to The Cape this weekend so I can lock up my house in Provincetown. Would you like to join me? I could show you around P-Town.” She offered hopefully.

“I … um … ” I stammered. “Say yes you idiot!” I paused for a moment a I tried to think of what I should do. I wanted go. I really wanted to go. I was about to tell her yes when she spoke.

“Never mind.” Allison offered grimly. “Forget I asked.” She added with false cheerfulness. Then she strolled out of the office and went off to her morning class. Once I was certain that Allison was out of earshot I began banging my head on my desk and repeatedly calling myself a moron.

Later that day I found myself rushing towards Allison’s classroom. It was her last class of the day and I knew that my surprise would be arriving soon. As I sped down the hallway I spotted my present strolling towards Allison’s classroom. She was an attractive blonde, dressed in a tuxedo carrying an enormous bouquet of balloons. I followed her into the classroom and hid in the back. Ignoring the obvious stares from the students and instructor the woman strolled down the aisle and walked right up to Allison. Poor Allison looked like a deer caught by oncoming headlights.

“I’m here to wish you a very Happy Birthday, Professor Kendell.” The blonde purred as she handed Allison the balloons. Then she did something that I had most definitely not requested she leaned over and kissed Allison on the cheek. The room exploded with hoots and hollers from the students. A chorus of Happy Birthday began as the blonde made her departure. I grabbed her by the arm and I spotted it instantly. She was gay, just my luck. “I didn’t pay you to kiss her penguin.” I growled menacingly into her ear. “I guess I just blew my tip?” She responded with a smirk. I just glared at her coldly and opened the door for her to leave. “Oh well it was worth it.” She sighed and winked at me before making a hasty exit.

The students were just finishing their second chorus of Happy Birthday while Allison read the card attached to the balloons. She smiled sweetly. “All right enough!” Allison chastised them the smile never leaving her lips. “Thank you Dr. Grant.” She offered without looking up at me. “You are most welcome Professor Kendell.” I replied rather pleased with myself. “So you knew I was here.” I thought to myself.

“I told you they were together.” I heard one student whisper to another. I chuckled softly to myself at the thought that Allison and I were already part of the small town gossip mill. “Okay settle down everyone.” Allison repeated over the chatter. “Now let’s get back to reviewing for the midterm.” The response was a collective groan from the students. Allison just shook her head and she looked up capturing me with her dazzling baby blues. “The hell with it.” She announced. “There is only a few minutes left and it’s my birthday. Go on get out of here.” The classroom cheered as the students quickly gathered up their belongings. “If anyone has any questions just stop by my office during my posted hours.” Allison added as her students quickly fled.

Allison was now sitting on her desk rubbing her eyes as I approached her. I gave her a playful nudge as I sat next to her. “Happy Birthday.” I whispered softly.

“Thank you.” She answered without meeting my eyes. “How did you know that I love balloons?”

“Because you are basically a really tall child.” I teased her giving her another playful nudge.

“Aah, so you have uncovered my secret at last.” She chuckled lightly still unable to look at me.

“I also noticed that you have a thing for white roses.” I added.

“Champagne.” She explained. “They are actually off white with a touch of pink on the tips of the petals. Those were from my parents and Chris. It’s funny really, Chris couldn’t remember to come home at night but she still remembers what my favorite flowers are. Women.” She scrunched up her face in a mocking grimace.

“Tell me about it.” I teased in return.

Allison barked a laugh and began playing with the balloons. “Hmm there are certainly a lot of them.” She smiled absently. “Are you busy tonight, would you like to go out for dinner?” She added hesitantly.

“Yes.” I responded quickly before I had a chance to think about it. Then I remember my plans with Rita. “Wait I have plans.”

“It’s okay.” She sighed dejectedly.

“But it’s you birthday.” I protested.

“No worries. I have a ton of work to do anyways.” She lied.

“Allison …” I began to protest.

“Stephanie really it’s fine.” She interrupted me. “Thank you again for the balloons.” She added as she finally looked over at me.

Our eyes met. There it was. I suddenly began to understand why it was so hard for her to look into my eyes. I felt it instantly. That look! My knees felt weak and suddenly I couldn’t breath. I leaned over to her and whispered, “Happy Birthday, Allison.” Our faces were a mere breath apart. I looked at her full lips as I licked my own. I began to close the slight distance between us, giving into what my body and heart were crying out for. At the last moment I pulled away, as the image of Courtney flashed through my mind. This was killing me. “How could she have chosen that child over me?” I looked back towards her and my resistance instantly vanished, as I reached for her once again.

This time it was Allison who broke away suddenly. I was surprised at first then once I managed to catch my breath, I reminded myself that Allison already had someone in her life. Without looking at me she casually offered me a ride home. “Sure.” I accepted her offer. “Good then you can grab the balloons.” She teased me. It was a struggle to get all of the balloons into the car. “Why did I order so many?” I grunted as we fought to get them into the Subaru. “Because I’m cute.” Allison pouted.

“No that’s not it.” I teased as I managed to get the back door closed. I watched as she continued to pout. “Nice try. Come on let’s get your flowers.” We returned to the office and gathered up the floral arrangements, and cards and the rest of our belongings. On the drive home neither of us spoke. I was secretly pleased with myself, for not mentally berating myself for my earlier actions. I knew that Allison felt it too. There was no need to beat myself up for making a pass at her. I had finally accepted that whatever was happening between us was not one sided.

*****

Concluded in Finding My Way 2 : Chapters 12 - Epilogue