The Awakening of Graye Moon

By

Coffey Brown

Copyright © 2012 by Stacey L. Pierce

Published in 2012 by Stacey Pierce at Smashwords

Cover by Firebird Media Management

Ebook design by Bella Media Management

Edited by Lisa Dawn Martinez

Paperback ISBN: 978-0-9856756-0-8

Publisher’s note: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events or locales are entirely coincidental.

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any means, mechanical, electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise without written permission from the author and publisher.

Acknowledgments

I thank God for the creativity, wisdom, and connections that guided the development of this story. Many thanks to my partner for remaining supportive and encouraging providing the strength I needed while writing this story. Heartfelt thanks to my amazing editor, Lisa Dawn Martinez, for guiding me in the right direction catapulting this story to the place it is. I thank my family and friends for their support. They encouraged me even when they thought I was encouraging them. Last but not least, thanks to everyone that directly impacted the creation of this book.

I am thankful for my readers. The journey to self-discovery can have many outcomes. I hope that Graye Moon can offer guidance toward a place where you find comfort and peace. Never forget, YOU matter…

Prologue

Graye Moon grabbed what she needed out of the top bathroom drawer and shoved them into her back pocket. She slinked down the stairs and left the house without telling anyone—she had to. She needed a moment away from them. Her sisters and their accusations.

It wasn’t so much what they said as how they went about it. They liked to back her into a corner with their own special brand of subtle bullying. And today was one of those days. Her anger was boiling up inside. Something had to give. The pressure had been mounting for weeks, maybe even months or years.

She sprinted down Cottage Street, her heart keeping pace with the soles of her shoes. She just needed to get away from the sound of her sisters’ voices at her back. Just get them out of her face.

She wasn’t even sure if she would use what she had brought. Maybe she would. She reached around and touched her pocket. They were still there. That’s good. She wanted options. She still had them.

Graye couldn’t even remember why she thought it would help. Perhaps she had read it somewhere—no, it was an assembly at school. That’s right. That goth-looking girl had said she did it when she felt bad. She also said she had to stop when it got out of control, but Graye would only do it this once.

As she turned direction onto North Street, the wind came at her with a gust. She liked the wind. It was cleansing. This would be too.

Once at the bottom of the hill, she waited for the cars to pass so she could cross over onto West Street. Then, slowing down her pace on Elm, Graye looked around, making sure no one was behind her.

All clear.

She pushed the low-hanging tree branch out of her way and darted underneath. Then she walked alongside the railroad tracks to one of her favorite places. She felt better already. This was a fitting place to seek her relief.

She plopped down on the grass near the stream, just as the train came barreling through making its weekly run. She lay back, closed her eyes tightly, and listened to the train glide down the tracks, screeching and vibrating loudly as the engine picked up speed.

This particular bank, hidden by trees, was her haven—safety from the antics of her sisters, Sylver and Blu. Sylver had started ostracizing her quite some time ago. At a time when Blu was still young and impressionable enough to go along with Sylver without question.

How was it fair that they gang up on her? What had Graye ever done to Sylver? Graye had no idea why her own sisters had turned on her. She was frustrated and tired of them bothering her, making her feel like an outsider in her own family.

Graye removed her salvation from her pocket. She had two things. A safety pin and a razor blade she had taken out of her father’s shaving kit. The goth-girl had talked about sterilizing them. She burned the edge of both with a lighter she had found on the school grounds. Probably some kid got caught and dropped it.

She moved her index finger gently across the blade, pulled up her polo shirt sleeve, and brought the blade close enough to kiss her upper arm where the cut wouldn’t be visible. Graye jerked her hand back. Maybe the safety pin would be better.

Using the burnt end of the pin, the first poke was gentle. She was feeling out the sensation. It wasn’t too bad. The next one went a little deeper and a tiny drop of blood popped up to the surface. She tossed the safety pin aside grabbing the razor blade again.

Pain followed by a rush of endorphins—pleasure.

Relief.

The next thing Graye knew, she was meticulously moving the razor blade across her arm. She was cutting deeper and deeper. With each swift move she rose higher. Her emotional pain flowed out of her with each drop of blood.

She found that she could control her body’s reaction by controlling how deep she went with the blade. This was something she had complete say over. It was exhilarating. Graye got distracted by her experiment and twisted the blade, cutting deeper than planned.

She hadn’t meant to cut too deep but as soon as the blood gushed out, she knew she had. She dropped the blade by the pin and grabbed her arm with her right hand, applying pressure as the warm sticky blood trickled through her fingers.

Keeping her hand pressed on her arm, she lay back down and looked at the clear blue sky, as tears streamed down her face. Next time she would remember to bring some tissues.

Chapter One

“Graye, it’s time for school.” Her mother was talking on the other side of the bedroom door and Graye did her best to ignore it. She grabbed the pillow from under her head and quickly covered her face, trying to drown out the sounds of a new day.

No such luck. As if right on cue, Mr. Perkin’s lawn mower fired up outside her bedroom window, as it did twice a week. Then the yapping sounds of Hummel, Mrs. Jackson’s dog, echoed loudly over the din of the lawn mower. She pressed the pillow harder against her face and Graye growled too. “Shut up world.” The words got lost in the stuffing of her pillow.

The day wouldn’t drift away as she desired. No matter how much she wished for it not to, the day would go on, with or without her. From the barrage of banging on her door, Graye decided that her mother was determined it go on with her.

Why should she bother to get up this morning? She didn’t really like school. She enjoyed learning new things, but school wasn’t a place she ever enjoyed going. She wasn’t bullied, but she wasn’t exactly popular either. Mostly she just interacted with her own small group of friends.

Basically, in school, like at home, she just existed. The celebrity of her older sister, Sylver—the star soccer, basketball, and softball player—always cast a shadow of gloom over Graye.

Graye had never been extremely skinny and she’d never be tall. Sylver was both. Graye didn’t hate her for that, but sometimes, although she was fit, she felt shortchanged by being shorter and more muscular. Oh, and she couldn’t forget the eyes. Sylver’s green eyes caught everyone’s attention, but Graye’s light brown ones went unnoticed. Two things they shared were their olive-colored skin and brown hair. It was just enough to make Graye feel a little slighted.

Graye’s mother walked away, the sound of her feet moving along the hardwood floor becoming distant. She had to finish getting ready for work.

Removing the pillow from her face, Graye breathed a little easier. Although this morning wasn’t much different from most, Graye was different.

“Graye,” her mother yelled from down the hallway.

She rolled over, stretching, almost as if she was going to get up, but instead, she lay back down.

Like her siblings, Graye was only expected to keep her room clean and get good grades. Anything additional was a plus. Anything less, a depletion of future funds. Basically, with good grades, she’s taken care of until college graduation. If she chose to skip one, or both, graduations, the funds that were guaranteed, immediately disappeared. Although her parents didn’t force college on them, without uttering a word, they actually did.

Her mother came back down the hallway and swiftly tapped on her door again. If Graye didn’t get up now, her mother would soon be standing over her, fussing. As she stretched again, the waft of cool air coming in through her bedroom door told her it was now open. “Graye? I have to go. Are you up?” Her mother was visibly annoyed by Graye’s standard morning ritual.

“Yes.” She glanced and saw that her mother was wearing her scrubs. Her mother was a nurse at St. Anthony’s Hospital a few blocks from the house. It’s the only job that she’d ever had. Graye knew, because she always bragged. “I’ve been at my job since I was twenty-one-years-old. I hope you find a special place like that when you get older,” she’d say.

Graye just wanted to figure out what she wanted to be, and think of longevity later.

“Why do you want to get up so much earlier than you need to, if you can’t?” Her mother placed her hands on her hips and her foot tapped lightly on the rug.

“I can. Some days I’m just a little tired.”

“I forgot, being a high school junior is tough,” her mom joked.

“You have no idea.”

Her mother chuckled. She was the reason Graye was short and solid—her father, the reason Sylver was lean and tall. Aside from her mother’s graying, shoulder length hair, Graye was a mirror image of her.

She turned to leave. “Have a good day and I’ll see you later.”

“You too.”

“Your track stuff is in the dryer. Don’t forget to put the clean shorts in your bag.” She slowly pulled the door closed.

“I won’t.” Regrettably Graye’s sockless feet met the floor. She pressed them down, catching the carpet thread between her toes, enjoying the soothing sensation of the fabric for a few seconds. She glanced out of the window at the bright sun beaming down on Hummel, the bear of a dog.

She stretched, stood up, and nearly collapsed down onto the bed when the confusion she had been carrying flooded back in.

Graye was never an extremely happy kid, but she wasn’t a depressed teenager living a miserable life either, although things had recently become a little unsettled. She’d always had her fair share of drama—having two sisters, drama made a regular appearance in their house.

But this was different. There was something going on inside of her and she didn’t quite understand it. Making things worse, she had no one to talk to about it.

Recently Graye had noticed a startling vision of beauty in school, and her head hadn’t been the same since.

As the warm water from the shower rushed down her face, she grabbed her soapy brown hair, inhaling the berry scent of her shampoo, letting it take her back to algebra class.

Last week, for no apparent reason, she suddenly noticed more than the numbers and letters on her paper. The desire to find the value of X no longer existed, having been replaced by the vision smiling back at her.

When Graye had innocently glanced up from her math paper, dancing in the air right in front of her was one of the most amazing smiles she had ever seen, and it was one she had seen almost every day since kindergarten. This time, for whatever reason, things looked entirely different. Mackenzie looked entirely different. Graye was floored.

They’d been best friends since they were five years old. But that day in class it was as if she was seeing Mackenzie for the very first time. Her beauty punched Graye dead in the chest causing her to briefly lose her breath.

Mackenzie’s brown hair bounced on her shoulders while her beauty twirled and hovered over her. Her light brown eyes commanded attention, drawing Graye in like never before. She lost focus that day and hadn’t found it since.

Graye watched the soap run down the drain, but the images of Mackenzie went nowhere. She’d always thought her friend was pretty, but on that day in class, she was absolutely gorgeous. And that beauty rolled into Graye’s mind, and life, like thunder.

She shook her head in a pointless effort to clear her mind. Graye had never felt anything like this about anyone—boy or girl. It baffled her and stirred her emotions. What was happening? It was as if Mackenzie had grown up overnight, without Graye noticing until that moment when her smile left Graye mesmerized.

The taps squeaked as Graye turned the water off. She stood there, dripping water, torn and tormented by that sparkling smile that disturbed the peace her body had once owned.

Until now, she considered herself to have a boring life. Graye spent her evenings next door at Micah’s house or over at Mackenzie’s. They were her two closest friends. Outside of that, there was nothing left to do.

She smiled as she walked out of the bathroom, trying to shake off the confusion with Mackenzie dancing around in her mind. Graye felt like she was at a raceway, riding in a car at the speed of light, just begging the driver to stop and let her out. Why had Mackenzie thrown her off course like this?

Lost in her thoughts, Graye was moving slowly this morning and now she rushed to get dressed. She didn’t want to miss the bus. She ran downstairs to get her things together and inhale breakfast. Looking into her cereal bowl, she overheard her sister, Blu, come into the kitchen.

“Good morning, Graye.”

Fourteen-year-old Blu was always bubbly, unless they were arguing, which wasn’t often. She seemed like nothing ever bothered her. Even little things that bothered Graye, like someone touching her things, didn’t faze Blu. Yet, Blu hung onto Sylver’s every word, always following her lead. If she didn’t they all might be closer. It annoyed Graye to no end.

Graye glanced at her sister while she poured the oatmeal packet into a bowl. “Morning, Blu.”

Their parents had a thing about colors. Actually her mom did. She’d named them after crayons. Graye liked her name. It was cool. Considering how confusing her life had become, it seemed quite appropriate. Life was cloudy at every angle from where she stood, with glimpses of Mackenzie bringing sunshine. And ambivalence. Would Mackenzie remain her friend if she knew?

Graye sighed. She couldn’t risk losing her best friend over some silly—what? Crush? Is that what this was?

Focus Graye. “Where’s Sylver?”

She was the oldest sister, with Graye in the middle, and Blu the youngest and shortest of the three.

“She’s coming down. I think she forgot something upstairs.”

“Today’s career day at school.” Blu sounded excited about what Graye thought was excruciatingly boring.

“I’m clueless about my future. Maybe I need to be there.” She shrugged, not really caring one way or the other. Time was running out for Graye to decide what she wanted to be. There was only one more year of high school left. She had to get serious about things. For now though, she had tunnel vision focused on the crazy feelings that interrupted her eleventh grade life at the same time college applications and entrance exams needed to be the focus.

Sticking her shoulders back, Blu announced emphatically, “I want to be a teacher.”

“That’s cool.”

“And you, you better get a clue.”

Graye smiled. The temperature in the room would change when Sylver strolled in. It always did, so she finished up her cereal—her quick exit was overdue.

Blu took her bowl of oatmeal out of the microwave, tossing brown sugar on top of it. She sat down stirring, and blowing on her steaming breakfast while Graye cleaned up the mess she’d made.

Graye wished she could talk to her sisters about things. She’d even talk to someone at school if she could, but she saw how they treated Micah. She didn’t want that to be her.

Micah had never been anything other than flamboyant. It was clear that he was gay, to everyone, up close or at a distance.

Graye had never been anything. Never even took the time to think about having a boyfriend. She’d never thought about liking girls before either.

Should she talk to Micah about it? No. It was best not to tell anyone. Besides, how could she be sure the feelings actually existed? Maybe they would disappear as fast as they came. She was frustrated by this abrupt awakening, but mesmerized by the distraction.

Micah’s voice lilted through the open kitchen window as he sang a song she’d never heard before. That was her final warning—she had to move a little faster.

Micah lived life as if he floated on air. Sometimes he’d do cartwheels all the way down the street, and sing loud enough for Graye to hear him inside of her house. When he was coming over she’d hear him long before she could see him.

He was a free spirit and wasn’t afraid to be who he was. With his light brown, almost blonde, curly hair, wearing his skinny jeans and colorful dress shirts he practically dared someone to tell him there was something wrong with him, or his life. He never apologized for being gay. Never hid it either.

She didn’t really think he could have, even if he tried. Graye often overheard people call him negative names. But he just smiled, turned his ass up, and lived his life.

Sylver had entered the room while Graye was lost in thought. She was already eating a bowl of cereal, and Blu had just finished up her oatmeal. Graye didn’t join their conversation. She glanced over at the clock. Fifteen minutes to get down the street.

“Graye?” Blu called.

She shook her thoughts away. “Yes, Blu.”

“What are you thinking about?”

“You see that big smile on her face too?” Sylver added.

Blu nodded in agreement.

“Nothing.”

“You’re lying and you know it.”

Graye tried not to grin. “No, I’m not.”

Yes, she was. She had to. The truth wouldn’t carry over well. Her parents had set expectations and being with a girl wasn’t on their list. The feelings she was harboring were absolutely forbidden.

“Well, Graye Moon, you are lying.”

“What do you want?” Annoyed, she hung onto her version of the truth the way a spider clung to its web.

“I wanted to see if you were staying after school today.”

“Yes, I have track practice. Why?”

“Just asking.”

Graye arched her eyebrows. “Since when?” Why did she care when Graye was coming home?

“I just wanted to know.” Sylver shrugged her shoulders, brushing her off.

That bothered Graye. Her two dear sisters had recently started snooping around her room, leaving it in disarray. None of their bedroom doors locked. Graye didn’t have anything to hide, but she left her things a certain way to make it easy to notice they moved them. She didn’t always say something, but she always knew.

“Graye, you seemed a little distracted earlier. You didn’t even notice me come in. You’ve been different lately.”

Graye shifted from side to side. Why hadn’t she left before the inquisition began? “Have not.”

“Yeah, you have.” Blu felt the need to echo Sylver’s accusations.

Graye wasn’t admitting anything to anyone. These were her sisters, but they weren’t acting like her friends. She didn’t know what was up, and wasn’t sharing even a smidgen of what she felt.

Sylver squinted her green eyes as if trying to pull the information out of Graye’s secret hiding spot.

“No, I haven’t.” She tried not to react. In truth, she was different. She’d noticed it. Why wouldn’t they?

“Well, I think you have.”

She hated when they backed her into a corner like this. They were all close, but the two of them were just closer. Sylver always acted as if she had to protect Blu, and Graye sometimes felt alone. Unless they were going up against outsiders, she felt like an outsider herself.

Blu’s echoing accusations only confirmed the love they all shared was unbalanced.

Sylver sarcastically said, “Let me say this. I saw you doodling the other day. I saw the name you were doodling. What’s the deal with you and Mackenzie?”

Blu smiled, but didn’t say anything. Now she was echoing without sound, as Sylver winked at her.

Graye took her final cue to leave. She didn’t need this now. Didn’t want to argue. Although she was lying, she didn’t deserve their intrusion. Graye balled up her fists ready to challenge them physically, when an image of Mackenzie flashed into her head, reminding her that a fight this morning wasn’t worth the trouble it would bring.

Her sisters would lie on her, and their parents usually believed them, because Graye usually erupted and threw the first punch. She couldn’t prove her innocence when they wore the battle wounds from their fights like beacons in front of their parents.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Graye said it so quickly that it sounded like one word. She sighed and stormed off, leaving her frustration in the kitchen with her sisters. She felt like she was walking away from strangers, not family.

“I’ll let it slide for now, but I think I know what’s happening.” Sylver threw the comment behind Graye, taunting her as she left the room. When she turned around to respond, Sylver offered a snide look to accompany it.

Graye turned silently and left. It wasn’t worth it.

If Graye didn’t know what was happening, how could Sylver? Her gritted teeth squeaked as the tension in her jaw increased with her rising anger.

Today hadn’t started off right. She wanted to go back to bed and never wake up. Angry tears danced on her eyelashes. She didn’t want to die, but she did want to sleep forever—or at least until she was really old, like twenty-five.

Chapter Two

Graye quickly grabbed her track clothes and sneakers, tossing them in the bag next to her deodorant. She wanted to run and hide. She needed to breathe for a second without their accusations. House key in hand she tried slipping out of the front door unnoticed, but when she reached for the doorknob and glanced over her shoulder, Sylver was sitting drinking tea, staring at her.

Was this for real?

“See you down the street,” she offered, trying to make peace.

“I’m catching a ride. I’m too old to ride the bus that you’re getting ready to miss.” Sylver smiled. She was a senior. Her birthday was in a few months. She didn’t always act like it, but she was getting ready to turn nineteen. Sylver had her driver’s license, but no car to go with it. Sometimes she drove them in their mother’s car, but on most days she rode with friends.

“See you later then.” Graye exhaled as she closed the door and walked briskly toward Micah’s house.

The bus hadn’t arrived yet and she stuffed her anger. She was eager to get out of Sylver’s view, feeling exactly what Sylver was thinking she was. Mackenzie was pretty, so what? Since when did she care about that? What had made her notice the changes in Mackenzie, forcing her to change too? Being seventeen years old was already tough. She really didn’t need to add anything else to her overloaded bag of confusion.

Graye stood watching Micah as he balanced on the edge of the wide railing in his yard, like on a balance beam in gym class. He twirled, twisted, and then did a round off landing flatfooted on the ground. He was living life while she was struggling silently inside.

“I will give that a perfect score. I give Micah Johnson a ten!” She roared loudly as if she were a crowd of people cheering and applauding. Then she offered up a fake sign showing the ten to the non-existent crowd.

He bowed, “Thank you very much. I will see you at the Olympics.” He raised both arms in the air, waving them from side to side as the scent of his cologne rested under her nose. She inhaled his fresh clean scent. Then they both looked toward the bus that they heard roaring down the street pulling up toward their bus stop.

“Oh shoot.” Graye pulled her bags close and took off running. She didn’t have another ride to school. She had to catch the big yellow school bus or walk the two miles alone. Micah would go home if they missed it. He always did. As much as she didn’t want to go either, she would.

Micah and his book bag were on her heels. He ran on the track team too, so his stride matched hers. She could hear him breathing and trying not to laugh at their foolery. There were enough kids boarding—they’d make it. If their feet didn’t cross his steps in a few seconds, though, Mr. Lemon wouldn’t wait. He never did.

Out of breath and laughing the entire way, they made it without breaking their stride, running directly up the steps onto bus one-twenty-five. They saw the same faces that they had seen for the past five or so years as they breathed heavily, walking down the aisle toward the back of the bus, eyes searching for an empty seat.

Graye glanced over, seeing Mackenzie smiling widely in her direction. She grabbed the seat in front of her just before her knees buckled. She was drinking in sunshine!

Mackenzie moved over, slapped her hand on the seat. “Oh Graye, I can make your day so blue.” She sang this every morning, but today it sounded different, she immediately forced the clouds away.

The words bounced around in Graye’s head and tugged at her heart. All she could do was smile back. She took a deep breath and hopped onto the seat next to her.

They rode a few blocks in silence. Graye knew why she was so quiet, but didn’t understand why Mackenzie was. She slanted a glance at her. Mackenzie was looking out the window and Graye couldn’t read her face.

“Um, Mackenzie? Are you okay?” Graye touched her friend’s shoulder trying to get her full attention.

“Yes.” Mackenzie kept her eyes glued on the people walking outside.

Graye leaned forward and saw that Mackenzie was wearing a concerned look on her face. Even from the side view she could see a shadow of a frown. Her stomach started to feel unsettled. Mackenzie didn’t look happy like she usually did. She was acting nice, but it felt as though she was distant.

Graye felt Mackenzie move closer to the window and Graye shifted toward the aisle, sensing she should give her more room. They sat next to each other sharing the same bus seat, but Graye felt they were miles apart.

She rubbed her stomach, trying to calm it down. Breathe, Graye.

“Why are you staring out of the window?”

“I have a few things on my mind I guess. I’m just thinking.” Mackenzie shrugged her shoulders.

“I’m not used to you being so quiet.”

“Some days I try.” Mackenzie smiled slightly, her happiness drifting away as fast as she offered it.

“You can talk to me if you want,” Graye said as the bus slowly pulled up to the school. She noticed Micah chatting with some other friends on the bus. She was glad he was distracted, giving them time to talk.

“You’re one of my BFFs, but this is really big.” She used her hands, emphasizing her point and almost hitting Graye in the head. It couldn’t be bigger than what Graye was going through. There was no way.

They both stood up once the bus came to a complete stop. That was one of the rules they all followed, since they had been in a bus accident a few months ago, causing a few unseated people to fly in the air. Outside of that, they were typical hardheaded teenagers talking at volume ten on the bus—they’d stopped using inside voices a long time ago.

“Are you mad at me?” Graye replayed recent events over and over in her mind while waiting for Mackenzie’s response. Had she done something wrong? Their friendship was definitely feeling a little different this morning, aside from what she herself had carried onto the bus.

“No, Graye. I have no reason to be mad at you.” She smiled, but Graye wasn’t sure if she was telling the truth. It didn’t feel like it. “It would actually be easier if I was mad at you.” Mackenzie looked away from Graye.

She was right there, but Mackenzie was shutting Graye out, closing a big steel door in front of her. Did she know about Graye’s feelings? Fear of their friendship ending, made her stomach dance from side to side. She held onto a seat tightly to steady herself while they waited for the students in front of them to file off of the bus.

“Well, you can talk to me. I mean, if you want to talk, later.” Graye offered an ear as she had so many times before, hoping Mackenzie would take her up on it like she always did.

Instead, Mackenzie sighed.

They talked about their problems a lot. Today though, neither of them seemed to want to trust the other with the information they harbored. It was odd, but Graye understood Mackenzie’s reluctance—she was holding top-secret information too.

Mackenzie flashed those stunning, light brown eyes, looked directly at Graye. “I wish I could, Graye. I can’t talk to you about this because…it’s about feelings. Ones I didn’t know I had about…um…” Mackenzie stared at her shoes. “Well, about you.” Then she turned and walked away so fast that she almost looked like she was running.

Wait. What?

Graye’s heart skipped a beat, but her feet stayed planted. What would she say to that even if she weren’t frozen in place? Words, all words, were stuck in the bottom of her dry throat leaving her in awe. She watched as Mackenzie disappeared into the crowd of students.

Her head was spinning so fast with questions popping into it that her vision blurred. She rubbed her eyes. She couldn’t believe the information Mackenzie had just tossed her way. Graye was losing her balance, but didn’t want to lose her composure. Not here. Not now. Breathe.

“You know that’s not a good look on you.” Micah appeared at her side as her eyes began to refocus.

She was sure her mouth hung wide open. She was trying to close it, but it wasn’t working out the way she wanted.

“I recognize that look, and it’s telling me that you, Graye Moon, just realized something big. Do you like girls? I mean like them, like them.”

She didn’t answer, managed to close her mouth, and then turned her attention toward Micah.

He beamed a knowing smile. Then, as if she had just won the lottery, he patted her on the back with enthusiasm. “Glad to have you on the team.”

How did he know? First her sisters, now Micah. Was it that obvious? She wasn’t excited about what she was feeling, even if he was.

“What team? The track team?” She played as if she had no idea what team he was talking about. She was on the softball and track teams—no other team had her name on the roster, and she wasn’t ready to give Micah permission to sign her up.

“Well? Do you?” he whispered. They walked into the school among the subgroups that made up the students at Warwick Valley High School.

“No.”

He smiled at her as if he knew she was lying.

She couldn’t say that she liked girls. She just knew that Mackenzie made her feel different. When she’d sat next to her on the bus this morning she’d felt heat coming off of her body. She didn’t feel that last month, or even two weeks ago. Today, her heart danced along with Mackenzie’s.

Micah folded his arms, planting his feet alongside his accusations. “Well, that look you owned a few seconds ago reminded me of how I feel when I see Evan. If you feel like your heart stops beating when you see her again, then, you’re in love—in case you didn’t know.” He winked at her.

Micah was reading her mind. It was as if he was standing inside of her head turning pages, and each one held her private thoughts. She silently wished he’d just close the book. She didn’t like it that he read her so easy. Having best friends came with benefits—and drawbacks.

Graye shrugged her shoulders and omitted the truth as she stared at him quietly. She’d bring him up to speed once she was up to it, and not one second before then.

He continued to tell her what he thought about her boring, albeit recently resuscitated, life. He leaned in closer. “I know you’re not ready to admit it, so you don’t have to. I see the truth in your eyes. I saw how you both acted on the bus today, my friend.” He lightly touched her shoulder. “I think there are feelings brewing inside you both. Don’t wait until they come to a boil.”

They walked down the hallway toward their lockers and Graye glanced over at Mackenzie putting her things into hers. Graye felt like things were moving in slow motion, not knowing what to think. Like on the bus, Mackenzie was keeping her distance.

Graye wouldn’t see her in class again until later this afternoon. She didn’t have any classes with Micah, but usually sat with them both at lunch. “Have a great day secret lover,” he whispered, walking away.

“You’re wrong,” she yelled to the back of his head.

“Nope. I am more right than you think. I know what it looks like.” He hugged his friend, Melonie, as he walked down the hallway to his class, whispering something in her ear.

Graye hoped it wasn’t about his assumptions, especially since she hadn’t admitted anything. What would it feel like to be so comfortable in your own skin? She never had and now she felt even worse in hers. Graye glanced at her watch. She was late for homeroom. She had to get to the classroom before the bell rang so she wouldn’t get detention.

“See you later, Graye.” Mackenzie offered words but no eye contact.

Graye’s heart skipped a beat, then felt like it completely stopped in the middle of the next. She managed to smile back at Mackenzie, although, she had already gone by. She would have replied, but her voice didn’t agree. So she waved to the back of Mackenzie’s head instead as she walked down the hallway to class. It was going to be a long day.

Graye sat down and immediately started doodling with her pencil as she waited for the school day to officially begin. Mrs. Dawning was a nice teacher, one of Graye’s favorites. She never raised her voice, even when the students became disruptive. She stood up, taught the lesson, and answered questions.

Was she glancing at Graye more often today than she had last week? Were Graye’s feelings written all over her face? It had to be her imagination. Still, Graye wanted to crawl under her desk and hide. She gritted her teeth, chewing on the fear of being exposed, while trying to focus on their journal assignment. If only she could stop thinking of Mackenzie.

Graye looked out over the classroom pondering on a current event to write about. Too bad I can’t write about Mackenzie. Then I’d have no trouble finding the words to put down.

She reached into her jacket pocket for a pen. Nope. She looked in her book bag. There wasn’t one in there either. She didn’t want to borrow one and they couldn’t do their work in pencil. Teacher’s rules, not Graye’s. She raised her hand.

Mrs. Dawning nodded her head. “Yes?”

“I know we just got here, but I need to go back to my locker and get my pen.”

“You have five minutes.”

“Thanks.” Graye quietly walked up front and took the hall pass out of her teacher’s hand.

She didn’t need a detention added to her list of things she didn’t want to have to deal with today. It was early, but she’d already had enough, so she walked briskly out into the hallway, unlocked her locker, and searched for a pen. Graye grabbed two and closed her locker door. Then spun around and bumped directly into Mackenzie. She lost her breath when their bodies touched, then gasped, quickly trying to regain her composure.

“I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“I didn’t know you were there, Mackenzie. Sorry.”

Was this what awkward felt like? She smiled back, but they both seemed uncomfortable.

Mackenzie glanced around as if making sure they were alone. Then she moved closer. “I saw you in the hallway and wanted to come out and apologize. I didn’t mean to be so quiet this morning. I just have some stuff going on in my head that wasn’t there before. It’s got me thinking about a few things.”

“I’m not mad. I have some stuff going on too.” Graye managed to say the words through her nervousness. She was not planning on telling Mackenzie what that stuff was. Not yet at least.

“I hope you figure yours out, because I’m having a hard time with mine.”

“Me too.” Graye shifted on her feet. She had to get back to class. She was sure that she had already been out for about seven of the five minutes that she had been given.

“Can we talk after practice?” Mackenzie almost pleaded.

“Yes, of course.”

“I thought eleventh grade was going to be the hardest thing I had to deal with right now. What’s swimming around in my head might be worse than that.”

Graye nodded agreement while thinking about the similar battle taking up space in her head. “I have to get back to class before I get detention,” she said.

“Me too.” Mackenzie reached into her pocket. “Here.” She handed Graye a neatly folded piece of paper. “Open it when you’re alone.”

“Okay.” Graye shoved the paper deep inside her front pocket. What could it say? She wanted to read it now, but it would have to wait. Like money, it was already burning a big hole in her denim pocket.

She walked back into the classroom, smiled at Mrs. Dawning and quickly wrote about the recent flooding in Texas. She couldn’t think of anything else to write about with the little bit of time she had left. Next period, she was going to the bathroom—she had to read Mackenzie’s note.

She put her eyes on the notebook and didn’t look back up until the bell rang for first period. Graye finished her sentence, bringing her entry to a close, passed her journal forward to Mrs. Dawning, and left.

As soon as she arrived in science class she tossed her books on the desk and asked for the bathroom pass. Mr. Crier readily gave it to her.

She wouldn’t be able to focus until she read Mackenzie’s note.

Graye walked briskly into the bathroom, closing the stall door and locking it behind her. She leaned against the door to read. She tentatively opened the letter, not sure what she was going to find. The words almost made her lose her footing.

Dear G,

I think I really like you. Like, more than a friend. I don’t know what to do about it, but I wanted you to know. Do you think you could like me? Yes or No?

From,

Me.

Graye smiled, stared at the note, smiled again. Wow. Mackenzie felt the same way Graye did. She wasn’t in this alone. But what were they going to do about it? Awkward relief washed over her. It felt a little easier knowing that they could figure this out together.

For some reason, she brought the note to her nose before she folded it back up. Mackenzie’s faint scent lingered on the paper. Graye breathed it in and replied to the empty bathroom. “I do like you, without even trying.” She inhaled again, this time trying to grasp the reality of the changes that had taken over her life. It was too much.

Graye put the letter back into her pocket and tucked it deep inside, as far as it could go. This was going to be their secret. She still didn’t plan on telling Micah. This was something they had to deal with first, and then he’d be invited to know.

He was comfortable with his life. She wasn’t even comfortable before her body woke up to these feelings, and she wasn’t sure what lie ahead for her and Mackenzie. She walked down the hallway lost in thought and filled with speckles of excitement.

Finding out that Mackenzie liked her too was unexpected. While this revelation didn’t exactly make her happy, it didn’t make her sad either. It just added to her confusion. She wanted to understand the abrupt changes they both were experiencing, but for now, she just tried to accept that the changes were rolling in—especially since Mackenzie had a boyfriend.

Hudson.

Yeah, Hudson Clarke and Mackenzie were dating. Go figure.

Chapter Three

Hudson strode into the locker room for gym class with his chest puffed out and a big grin on his face. He high-fived his entourage and then he took out his phone, stretched his arm as far as he could with the camera pointed toward himself, and snapped a photo. He turned his phone around and admired the picture. “That’s a nice shot for my fan page. It’s growing every day. I’m a celebrity.”

His friends dutifully laughed and nodded their heads.

“You know, looking at this photo, it occurs to me—Mackenzie is a very lucky girl. After I play at LSU, I’ll be drafted into the NFL. My face will be plastered all over every billboard and she will be right there with me.”

More nods, more high-fives.

“I know I’ll go in the first round, I mean I am Hudson Clarke. I would love to play for the Giants, but I could be selected by anyone. Do you know how crazy that will be?”

They all agreed that, yes, that would be cool.

Hudson loved that his boys all supported him so much. He would make sure to invite them all over to his mansion when he was famous. It was the least he could do. Mackenzie would whip them up a bunch of sandwiches and keep the beers coming.

He changed into his shorts for Gym class and stopped to catch a glimpse of himself in the big mirror. He flexed and kissed both his biceps, then laughed.

A few of his classmates were watching him.

“What are you gawking at? This one’s Power,” he gestured to his left bicep, “and this one’s Glory,” he indicated to the right. “You jealous?”

They shook their heads no, as Coach Carton blew his whistle to start class.

Nothing like a good workout before lunch. Hudson sauntered out to the gym, lagging far behind everyone else so he could make an entrance.

Graye walked around confused, spending her next few classes lost in thought. She didn’t usually participate in class so her teachers didn’t really notice that she wasn’t mentally even close to being in the room. She found herself doodling again. Would she ever regain her focus?

As her pencil met the paper, she took an M and G and entwined them all over the paper. She was trying to make it difficult for others to understand what she was doing. She put other shapes and letters throughout.

The hours dragged until it was time to see Mackenzie at lunch. They had four other classes and track practice together.

The lunch bell ringing never sounded so sweet. Graye gathered her stuff together and put it in her locker. She grabbed her soda and went into the lunchroom, then stood in line to get her food. Spaghetti and meatballs.

She went into the cafeteria to wait for Mackenzie and Micah. As soon as her bottom hit the chair, she saw Mackenzie walking over with her lunch. Graye fought hard not to gawk as Mackenzie glided in her direction. Thump. Thump. Her heart danced in the air once it found its way out of her throat. She closed her eyes, inhaling the cucumber and green tea body spray Mackenzie wore.

Graye shifted in her seat, trying to focus on Mackenzie talking.

“How was your day so far?” Mackenzie plopped down directly across from Graye.

Breathe.

“A little confusing.”

“The class work?” Mackenzie unwrapped her sandwich offering Graye’s nose a whiff of turkey and provolone. It looked a lot better than her spaghetti and fake meatballs.

“No,” she pointed to her pocket, “this.”

“Oh, is what I wrote bad?” She frowned looking down at the table.

“No.” Graye shifted again. For some reason she just couldn’t sit still. Graye had a big crush on her best friend, and evidently, Mackenzie had one on Graye too.

Graye leaned in, whispering to keep their classmates from hearing. “Mackenzie, what do you think about it?”

She shrugged and leaned in too. “I’m confused. I like Hudson. But I woke up the other day with you on my mind. Not him.” Mackenzie paused as if to catch her breath, rested her head on her hand. “I can’t stop thinking about you.” She took a bite of her sandwich.

The sound of Mackenzie’s voice gently mixed with her sweet smell making Graye innocently unaware that those words shook her spirit. She shivered. “Do you think you really like me or was it a dream or something?”

“I don’t usually remember my dreams.”

“Not any of your dreams?”

“Usually just the nightmares,” Mackenzie said.

Graye nodded. She didn’t always remember hers either, but she did remember some of the good ones. Mackenzie was in some of them too.

“I think what I feel is real.”

“So…what are we supposed to do about it?” Graye covered her mouth as she talked trying not to show her food.

“I have no idea.”

Graye shrugged, admitting she was equally as confused. “Micah said we looked really uncomfortable on the bus today. It’s like he knew.”

“Does that mean you like me too?” Mackenzie whispered so softly that Graye could barely hear her.

She felt her cheeks heat up. She couldn’t believe they were really talking about this. “Yes. This is all just so new.”

“I guess we can talk more tonight after track practice.”

“Yeah, here comes Micah. Let’s talk about it later.” He walked up to the table with a wide, knowing smile plastered on his face. It was driving Graye crazy that her secret had now gone beyond her brain and was flowing like Niagara Falls out of his big mouth.

He smirked. “Don’t stop talking on my account.” Micah put his things down then went to stand in line to get his lunch.

“I don’t want Micah to sit here today.” Mackenzie shrugged her shoulders glancing over to where Micah stood, talking loudly.

Graye didn’t either. She wasn’t in the mood for his antics. “Not if he is going to question us and stuff.” They were already becoming one, confirming that their feelings had altered things.

“I don’t know what’s going on, Graye.”

“Me either. I just know we need to keep it between us. I haven’t told my sisters or Micah.”

“I only told you,” Mackenzie admitted.

“There’s Hudson.” Graye nodded slightly in his direction, toward the door.

After shaking hands with almost everyone in the lunchroom as if he was running for office, Hudson came over to Mackenzie.

She looked at him and spoke, then glanced back at Graye.

Now Graye was sure this was what awkward felt like. She tried her best to get lost in her food. She was feeling a little jealous and somewhat embarrassed. She wasn’t sure that she should be, but she was. Hudson was Mackenzie’s boyfriend, and Graye was just her crush-having best friend. Once they all gathered at the table, there wasn’t much room left for jealousy to ease in and grab a seat.

Micah came back over carrying his tray. He quietly sang the word, “Awkward.”

Graye didn’t look at him or acknowledge that she knew what he was talking about. She hated how he was acting right now.

“What’s awkward?” Hudson ran his fingers through his neatly combed blonde hair.

“Oh, nothing,” Micah chirped. “Something happened when I was over there.” He pointed over his shoulder for more effect.

Hudson nodded his head, believing him.

Micah smiled and raised his eyebrows at Hudson while taking a small bite of his sandwich.

Graye was getting really upset with Micah. She noticed Mackenzie squirming in her seat too. She was uncomfortable. As much as he thought he did, he didn’t know what was going on, and she didn’t like that he was making Mackenzie and her uncomfortable. She was starting to get mad like she had toward her sisters at breakfast that morning. She forced her balled up fists down to her sides.

Hudson looked around the lunchroom making sure he was being noticed while talking to Mackenzie, then he said, “Okay, I’m out of here. I’ll see you later?” He bent down to kiss Mackenzie just as Graye looked up from her lunch. Mackenzie didn’t kiss him back, but it hurt just the same.

Mackenzie turned back to her food and the remaining three of them ate in silence until Micah spoke up.

“So…I don’t know what’s going on with you two, but I can’t sit here like this. I feel like I’m at a funeral, not lunch. I’m the one in the casket and I’m bored with the service.” He laughed heartily at his own dumb joke. Neither of them cracked a smile. With a flourish of hand gestures he added, “Ya’ll better get yourselves together.” He turned up his nose in disgust.

“I’m just not feeling good today. I didn’t sleep last night.” Mackenzie told him.

“Whatever.” He brushed them both off with the swift wave of his hand, signaling that he was done.

“Micah, stop assuming you know everything about me,” Graye stepped into the discussion.

“How about you stop assuming that I don’t?” He gathered his things and nasty accusatory attitude together, abruptly stood up and hit them with a quick tongue lashing. “Misery loves company and I’m not miserable. I might as well sit alone if it’s going to be this damn quiet. See you guys later.” It was more of a question than an agreement.

Graye made no effort to stop him. “Thanks for your support, friend.”

He paused, and stared back at her. “I’ll support you from over there.” His frankness turned the flame up on her boiling anger. He continued walking away then sat down with some of his other friends.

“That was so unnecessary.” Mackenzie shook her head.

Graye shrugged her shoulders and they continued eating in silence as she tried to ignore her anger.

What were they supposed to do with the feelings they shared? She didn’t want their friendship to change but it would—it had to. She was lost and lonely in a cafeteria full of people. She didn’t like it. Disappearing right now and going off into another galaxy would be perfect. She knew it wouldn’t happen, but for a second, despite how brief, she wished it could. Graye closed her eyes, imagining soaring away, but opened them to find herself in the exact same spot.

“This really sucks.”

“It sure does.”

“What am I supposed to do about Hudson? Double trouble is what I have.”

“I have no answers, for either one of us, Mackenzie.” She didn’t. She was unable to understand how her life was just jolted with the power of a lightning bolt, thrusting her to a place she’d never visited—the arms of her best friend. She took a big gulp of air, trying not to pass out.

“I wish someone did. I need to figure out what’s going on inside of me. How do I like both of you?” Mackenzie whispered. Her eyes filled with tears, yet didn’t fall onto her sandwich, although they looked like they longed to do just that.

“I’m a little clueless myself. I didn’t know feelings just happened out of the blue like this.”

“Me either.” They sat in silence until it was just about time to go. Then Mackenzie said, “I’ll see you in class. I’m going to the bathroom.”

“Okay.” Graye grabbed their garbage, putting it all on her tray so it was easier to carry.

“Are you going to give me the letter back?” Mackenzie asked before she left.

“I wanted to keep it.”

“Why?” She smiled. Her pretty face stared hopefully at Graye, waiting for a reply.

How could Graye refuse an answer to that face? “These past few days I’ve wanted to be…more than your best friend. I want to keep it since you feel the same way.” She glanced at Mackenzie and was smacked directly in the face again with her beautiful smile.

“I’ll see you in class. And then we’ll hang out after track. My house?”

“Definitely not mine.”

Her sisters would be peeking around trying to figure out what they were talking about. She tossed the garbage in the container and put her tray away.

She turned to leave and Micah was glancing over. She pulled herself together so he didn’t notice she was a little flustered. Maybe she had a little taste of the love bug after all. Mackenzie walked out of the lunchroom while Graye did her best not to stare.

Graye gathered her things together to go to class. She was looking forward to going over to Mackenzie’s house after track practice. Mackenzie had an older brother and sister who had no interest in them. They wouldn’t bother them with the nonsense that her sisters did. They had their own lives with work and school. Sylver and Blu would just spend their time gathering information to get Graye in trouble.

Blu never got into trouble because she always collected information on other people in her little notepad. She tallied up everyone’s wrongdoings, except her own, thinking it was a requirement of being a little sister. She was mapping out their snooping time, which was probably why she asked when Graye was coming home. Graye wanted a lock on her door and couldn’t wait until she moved out. She needed some privacy. What her sisters were searching for would leave them empty handed since it was hiding somewhere they could not see—behind every pulsation of Graye’s heart.

Before she left the cafeteria, she sent her mom a text. She told her that she and Mackenzie had a class project that they desperately needed to work on. Her mother shot back a quick response giving her permission to go, and possibly stay over if it was too late to come home.

Graye felt guilty for lying, but she couldn’t tell her the truth. Her mother easily accepted this version of the truth, so Graye went with it.

Mackenzie’s and Graye’s mothers were best friends too. They grew up together in Warwick, a small town in Upstate New York, full of farms and boasting one stoplight and drugstore. It was a little bigger now, but it still had the small town feel. Everyone knew everyone. Even people you didn’t think knew you, did. And if they didn’t, they knew your parents. Warwick was a safe but boring place to live.

Micah grabbed her arm as she tried slipping past him and out of the cafeteria. “We still good?” he asked.

She smiled. “We’re always good, but you need to lighten up a bit. You know, until I tell you different.” She didn’t wait for him to respond, turning and walking off briskly, still a little annoyed.

She didn’t think that Micah understood that her mind and body had thrust her onto an unexpected journey. She woke up every day knowing what she was going to do, think, and feel. She didn’t stray from her plans too often. Everything in her life remained the same.

He was eighteen years old, but his journey to this place started and ended long before now. Micah claimed that before he started kindergarten he knew he liked boys. He always told her that from the very beginning of his life he’d felt different. Until last week, she didn’t. Now she did.

On his journey, Micah soared and has never stopped flying. She was different. Her wings weren’t lifting her off of the ground. Instead, her feelings were weighing her down and she didn’t appreciate him trying to force-feed her anything she wasn’t ready to deal with on her own.

She wasn’t like him. She didn’t love herself the way he loved himself.

She had the scars to prove it.

Graye remembered a few years ago when she was alone in her favorite place and she started using a safety pin to grab her attention. Digging it into her arm always eased the pain. Then she graduated to a razor blade. No one knew about it outside of her and God. Mackenzie didn’t even know. But with each drop of blood, she felt some relief. She just wanted to feel—something—anything.

She never wanted to die. Graye wasn’t ever depressed, but sometimes when she didn’t feel right, that made her feel better. She eventually realized that she could find other things to relieve the pain. She joined track. Then she joined softball. Graye tossed her safety pins and razor blades into the garbage for good.

Well, except for one of each.

Cutting was stupid and every time she thought of doing it, she reminded herself exactly how stupid it was. She would carry her scars forever. If the pain ever left, they’d still be there. She hated it. She rubbed her hand over the scars, realizing that she hadn’t cut in a long time.

Maybe with Mackenzie she’d have another distraction from her pain.

Or maybe not.

In Graye’s house, her parents set a rule that she and her sisters couldn’t have a boyfriend until they were eighteen years old, or out of their house. Now that it was Mackenzie on her mind, their rules would probably tighten up. Having a girlfriend instead wasn’t even close to an option, completely nixing the age issue. As far as they would be concerned, it wasn’t happening, no matter how old she was.

Besides Mackenzie had Hudson, so Graye didn’t even plan on being her girlfriend.

She didn’t know what to do, and clueless didn’t feel good on her.

Chapter Four

School and track practice didn’t fly by, but they went fast enough, summoning the end of a stressful day. Graye didn’t talk to Micah much at practice. Basically, he ignored her. She guessed it was because he didn’t like the way she’d talked to him earlier. They didn’t argue often, but like everyone else, they disagreed sometimes.

Her silence begged him to give her a chance to figure things out instead of him trying to guide her through it. She couldn’t handle him in one ear and her feelings for Mackenzie whispering in the other one. She already had Sylver trying to edit the things going on in her life. She needed to focus and with all of the chatter, she couldn’t.

Graye and Mackenzie waited to catch the bus while Micah caught a ride home with Evan—he loved everything Evan.

Evan was nineteen years old, played football and had been friends with Micah since they were in the second grade. He helped out with track practice and was considered one of the coaches, but he was still a student. He wasn’t on the team, but he was there as often as they were. In fact, he wanted to be a coach after college. Evan was always nice to Micah, but they were complete opposites.

Graye often wondered about their friendship. Were the feelings mutual? Although Micah eagerly jumped into her friendship with Mackenzie, she didn’t pry into his.

Evan had dropped Micah at the mall. He’d done some shopping, picking up a new shirt for later. He strolled into the restroom singing at the top of his lungs. It wasn’t a song he’d heard of before, just words that popped into his head. The day was almost over and it had been a good one. He was hanging out with two of his guy friends tonight so he was going to run home, take a shower, and spend a few hours at a club dancing.

Before he was even able to unzip his pants, a roar came from the other urinal, catching him off guard. “What are you doing? Get out of here, you fag.”

Who was this kid calling him names? “Look, you’re going to have to come stronger than that. Everyone in Orange County knows I’m gay.”

Micah debated using the stall instead of the urinal. He didn’t know what this kid was getting ready to do. They were in the bathroom for God sakes. The kid turned his head, peering at him over his shoulder.

Micah glared back, but he was nervous. He could protect himself, but it didn’t slow his heart rate down any. It was nervously beating in his ears. If he wasn’t so tired of it, it would be funny in a way—no one ever expected him to fight back. They were focused more on his lifestyle than on him. But Micah had two out-of-control brothers, forcing him to learn how to fight at home.

Exhale, Micah. You can handle this.

He balled his fists up at his side while encouraging himself to pause and then pounce. Micah didn’t want to fight but would if the kid came at him. He couldn’t go dancing tonight with bruises on his face.

Micah had only wanted to use the bathroom, not pick up some guy. He didn’t understand the arrogance some straight people owned, thinking that every gay person wanted them. This kid was tall, too skinny and his face was a bumpy road. He definitely wasn’t Micah’s tall-dark-and-handsome type.

The guy sneered. “You better not let me catch you looking at my—”

“Don’t worry. There’s nothing to look at.”

The sneer fell off of the guy’s face and he quickly shoved his business back in his pants and zipped them up quickly.

Micah was annoyed and his bladder was screaming at him. He really had to go to the bathroom. He decided to go into the stall when out of nowhere he felt the stranger’s hands gripping his shoulders knocking him directly into the stall.

“Is that strong enough for ya, fag?”

“Actually, no.” In one quick move, Micah turned around and threw two quick punches dead in his face. The kid fell back onto the wall. Micah leaned in as if he was going to hit him again. He hovered there, wearing a stunned look on his face.

“So, are we finished now?” Micah asked.

The kid nodded his head, ran his fingers through his hair, smoothed his button-down shirt, turned, and left.

Embarrassment mixed with fear always smelled the same to Micah. He inhaled deeply tasting it fully.

Not wanting any more problems, Micah went into the stall and used the restroom. His left hand was a little sore from the combination of punches he threw. He was angry and tired of people bothering him for loving his life.

Micah left the stall and slowly walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He stared in the mirror and grinned. “Well, that was fun.”

He dried his hands, straightened up his clothes, and shook his curly hair from side to side. He paused looking at himself once more, turned around, and strolled back into the mall singing louder than before.

As he walked past the stationary store on his way out, he noticed a purple notebook that reminded him of one that Graye had. He thought about her and Mackenzie, about the way Graye avoided answering him earlier. Was she gay?

Micah had thought about it before when he realized she never discussed an interest in anyone—boy or girl. She never talked about someone being cute or pretty. This part of her life was tucked away, but he saw a glimpse of it in her eyes when she looked at Mackenzie lately.

He shrugged his shoulders and strolled through the mall, swinging his shopping bag and singing to his own tune. He’d find out eventually.

The late bus showed up in a cloud of diesel exhaust and Graye hopped on with Mackenzie strolling slowly behind her. They sat down beside each other as they always did. “That practice felt like forever,” Mackenzie said.

Graye shrugged her shoulders. “I thought it went pretty fast.” She was glad it was over so they could be alone and talk. “How are you?”

“I’m fine. You?”

“The same. I’m a little confused, but at least one big worry is gone.”

“Really? What?” Mackenzie looked at her, listening intently.

“Well, I thought you were going to hate me.”

“Why? I could never hate you, Graye.” Her glistening eyes smiled.

She leaned in to whisper and Graye caught a whiff of Mackenzie’s body spray, the scent danced in her nostrils, causing her heart to quiver. She exhaled.

“I didn’t want you to hate me for liking you,” Graye said.

“You’re my best friend.”

“You have a lot of friends, Mackenzie. I am one of your best friends.”

“I might have more, but you’ve always been at the top.”

Graye smiled, thinking that she couldn’t possibly be serious.

Mackenzie continued, erasing some of her doubts, “You have always made my gray skies blue with your sweetness, honesty, and smile.”

Mackenzie was doing that to Graye’s now, at least making them a little brighter. “I don’t believe you. What about Kristen? Kayla? You guys are always going somewhere together.” Graye hoped it was true, but laughed at the possibility. After all, Mackenzie was dating the star quarterback—she wasn’t. How could Graye really be her best friend?

“That doesn’t mean they are my faves. It just means they were able to go wherever it was I wanted to go. Look who I am with now. The one I said I have feelings for.” Mackenzie reached across the seat, rubbing her soft hand over Graye’s.

Graye felt the heat from Mackenzie’s body shoot up her arm. She pulled it away quickly.

Mackenzie frowned, looking hurt.

“I didn’t mean it like that. Didn’t you feel that?” Graye asked.

“No, feel what?”

“I felt something shoot up my arm when you touched me. Basically, my entire body got warm.” She whispered and looked around, hoping no one overheard her.

Then Mackenzie busted out laughing. “I thought you were moving because you didn’t like me touching you. Funny thing is, that’s your body telling you that you want to feel my touch.”

Graye’s face warmed as embarrassment took over. Thanks to her parents’ unwritten but stern rules, she was clueless, even at her age.

They sat talking, but things were definitely a little different. They usually laughed uncontrollably on the entire ride, but after Graye had snatched her hand away, they kept their distance a little. Did others see the changes that Micah and her sisters so easily sensed this morning?

Graye felt guilty for her feelings, but she couldn’t ignore them. She leaned back on her seat, glancing out of the window and then around the bus. It wasn’t that full. She looked at Mackenzie staring ahead. All Graye needed was sitting right next to her. Although Mackenzie’s presence brought peace, it also frightened Graye more than anything ever had. Her teeth chattered.

The bus stopped in front of Mackenzie’s blue house. “You still coming?” She stood up.

Graye looked at her smiling. “I wouldn’t miss it.” She grabbed her things, stood too, and followed Mackenzie off of the bus. They walked up her long driveway.

“So, you still like both Hudson and me?”

“Yes. My feelings can’t change that fast.”

“Who do you like more?”

“That’s not a fair question,” she joked.

Graye playfully rolled her eyes. “And that’s not a fair answer.”

Mackenzie punched her lightly in the arm. “You really want to know the answer to that?”

“I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t.”

She stopped, but didn’t answer. Mackenzie glanced in her direction. “I guess we’ll have to just wait and see.” Then she turned and quickly ran the last few yards up to her porch.

“That’s not fair.” Graye yelled as Mackenzie gingerly jogged away from her.

“They say that life isn’t fair.” She bent over laughing.

That’s true. If life were fair, she wouldn’t be trailing behind her best friend to go into her bedroom to discuss feelings they both suddenly shared for each other. She might be home watching television or just hanging out with her. Instead, she was taking the last few of the longest steps she had ever managed to walk.

Graye felt as if she’d wandered down onto the racetrack and was tossed into a car, buckled in, and was now traveling one hundred and twenty miles an hour. All she could do was hang on and see where she was when it stopped.

As she walked behind Mackenzie, she still wondered how this had happened. She just didn’t understand how these unexpected feelings had come at her like a freight train rushing out of control. She wished there was at least one adult that she could trust enough to talk to about this. She didn’t have any of those in her life right now. Maybe one would come along as she trekked through all of this. She could only hope so.

No one else was home. They put some spaghetti on their plates—it was better than the school’s recipe. Graye wasn’t really hungry, but she would be later if she didn’t eat now. The odor of spices seeping into the air from the closed microwave reminded Graye’s stomach how good Mackenzie’s mom’s food was.

They walked down the hallway into Mackenzie’s bedroom carrying their bags and food. After they dropped their bags on the floor, they plopped down on the full-sized bed to eat and chat. Mackenzie leaned over and locked her door.

Graye inhaled and enjoyed that foreign feeling—privacy.

“I wish I had a lock on my bedroom door.” She felt like her space wasn’t going to be invaded here in Mackenzie’s bright yellow room. She looked around as if noticing the warmth of it for the very first time. Was it their new feelings or the room?

“I can’t believe you don’t have one.”

“I think it’s because my mom wants to snoop around. She says it’s because it’s their house and they want to make sure we’re not up to something.”

“Something like what?”

Graye shrugged her shoulders, thinking about her answer while she chewed. “She always says if we’re planning on doing something we shouldn’t, she wants to be the first one to know.”

“Well, I hope you’re not planning anything big.” They both laughed.

Graye took another forkful of food. Her stomach welcomed the meat sauce and all of the flavors that danced together—onions, peppers, Italian sausage, and mozzarella cheese pleasantly wreaked havoc on her taste buds. “I’m not even planning something small.” Graye laughed while Mackenzie sipped her water, nodding her head in agreement.

“Where’s Hudson?” Graye asked.

“Why do you care about Hudson?”

“I don’t know. I’m just a little curious.”

“I’m starting to think you like him instead of me.” Mackenzie playfully poked out her lips.

“Believe me that would be so much easier than dealing with this.”

“Wow, don’t worry about hurting my feelings or anything.” Mackenzie frowned.

Graye reached out, touching Mackenzie’s knee. “I’m not trying to be mean. All I am saying is…” she wiped sauce from her mouth, “…that it would be easier to like my best friend’s boyfriend than my best friend, who is a girl. I would understand that better than this.”

“Was that supposed to make me feel better?”

“Um…”

“If it was, it didn’t. Sorry. I didn’t ask you to like me, Graye. I don’t necessarily want to like you either. But I do and you do, and neither of us knows why.” She put her half-eaten plate on her desk and started crying.

Graye had known Mackenzie all of her life but had never seen her cry like this. She felt bad, and hated being the reason she was crying. She wanted to cry too, but didn’t. Instead she became a little angry that their friendship had changed like this. She liked it the way it had always been—easy.

Damn feelings!

“Mackenzie, I didn’t mean it that way.”

“I heard what you meant.”

“No. You didn’t.”

“If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be crying.”

Graye set her plate on the desk alongside Mackenzie’s. She sat back down, next to her on the bed and grabbed her hand. “Listen.”

“Uh-huh.” Mackenzie looked away, so Graye took her face in her hands, turning it back in her direction.

“I do like you. I was just saying that I don’t know why feelings that I never had, came rushing in on me like a flood, and that if I liked a boy, I might understand that a little easier. It’s not you. I think, and have always thought, you were very pretty. It’s the girl thing that has me confused.”

Mackenzie was still crying. Graye didn’t know what else to say or do to get her to stop. Her world was spinning, so she closed her eyes tight, wishing it to stop. It didn’t.

“To answer your question, Hudson is at home. I told him that I had a lot of schoolwork to do. I don’t want him to come over while I try to figure things out.” She blew her nose.

“Okay. I won’t ask you about him again.”

“Not until tomorrow you won’t,” she joked.

Graye laughed too. Mackenzie was probably right.

“Please, stop crying.”

“I’m trying. But this scares me, Graye.”

“Good because it scares the hell out of me too.”

Mackenzie leaned her head on Graye’s shoulder, crying a little more. She didn’t let go of her hand. Graye squeezed it tighter. At least they were afraid together.

Chapter Five

Graye wasn’t sure how long they’d sat together on the bed, with Mackenzie crying on and off, and neither one of them talking. Time slipped away as they enjoyed the silence together. This wasn’t easy for Graye and Mackenzie’s tears told Graye what her voice couldn’t—she was struggling inside too.

“Do you like boys?” Mackenzie asked through her sniffles.

“I’ve never liked one, but just assumed I would someday.”

Her parents had always talked about their daughters getting married when they got older. She never thought that her life would be any different. She’d never had a reason to think she wouldn’t have a husband and kids. “I never thought I’d be the one liking a girl.”

“Me either, but I’m glad it’s you.” Mackenzie smiled and squeezed Graye’s hand, clasping her fingers with Graye’s and laying her head on Graye’s chest.

Graye was starting to get used to the warm feeling she felt when Mackenzie touched her. It was like the feeling she got when she ate warm, soft, freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. Comfort. She had never felt this way before about someone.

She looked at Mackenzie, unable to believe how many times she’d stayed over here, lying next to Mackenzie all night while her body slept peacefully. She didn’t think it would tonight if she stayed over. Even if they did nothing but lie there, her body would be too aware of the closeness. She rested her chin on the top of Mackenzie’s head, her lips wanting to kiss her.

Before Graye could do what they’d never done, Mackenzie shifted and sat up. “So, what exactly do we plan on doing about this?”

“I have no idea,” Graye said. “You’re the one who has dated.”

“True but it’s always been a little easier to figure out. Well, there wasn’t anything to figure out. A boy and a girl—it just worked out. Now, there’s a wrench tossed into things so I can’t visualize the relationship my heart’s trying to build.”

“Really? So now I’m a wrench?” They both started laughing.

Graye turned serious. “I’ve been wondering something.”

“What?”

“Will I like other girls too? I mean, I went to sleep one night thinking of nothing and woke up only thinking of you.” She shook her head from side to side, frustrated by her own confusion.

“I can’t answer that. I hope for now that you only like me. It wouldn’t be good to add someone else to the mix. I already have Hudson.” She smiled. Mackenzie had been dating Hudson for about a year and had dated before him too. Having feelings for someone wasn’t new for her. Having them for a girl, and her best friend, probably was.

“How does it feel to like a girl and a boy? You know, at the same time.”

“Confusing. I should spend time with Hudson, but instead, I want to be with you. I don’t know what happened. When I came home last week, Thursday I think, I woke up the next day feeling differently. I mean, maybe it was always there and I ignored it. ” She shrugged her shoulders.

“Do you think it was there for me too?”

“Maybe our feelings needed to come alive together in order for it to work.”

“For what to work, Mackenzie?”

“This—”

Mackenzie leaned in and kissed Graye with her soft lips, taking Graye’s breath away. Goosebumps fluttered up and down her entire body, not allowing her to pull away. Her lips were locked in a comfortable place and they never wanted to leave. She opened her eyes, then closed them again, seeing Mackenzie’s were closed too.

This was her first kiss, and she liked it, even if Mackenzie’s soft lips were the ones delivering it.

“What do you think?” Mackenzie asked eagerly.

“I liked it. You do know that was my very first kiss, right?”

“I am your best friend, of course I knew that.”

“Have you ever kissed another girl?” Graye rubbed her hands on her own thighs, realizing they had just taken things up a notch. It made her a little nervous even though it felt really good.

“Nope.”

“Did you like my kisses, or Hudson’s kisses better? Boy kisses or girl kisses?”

“I like the softness of your lips. I think I like yours better. Besides, Hudson has bad breath so I don’t really like kissing him.” They both busted out laughing. “I have always wanted to say, here, Hudson, have some gum.” They laughed hysterically again as Mackenzie acted out how she wanted to say to it.

“Well, since this was my first kiss, you are the best, Mackenzie.” Graye smiled. She had nothing to compare it to but knew it was good—the reactions in her body told her it was.

“We kissed. So, are we any closer to figuring out what to do?”

“I’m going to break up with Hudson. I was tired of him anyway.”

“Why?” Did this mean they would be a couple now? Graye shook away the thought. Her stomach rumbled with nervousness.

“He’s the quarterback and he hangs out with all of the cheerleaders. He isn’t nice to people. I decided a few weeks ago that I don’t want to be around him anymore. Hudson likes Hudson more than Hudson likes me.”

Graye smiled at the thought of Mackenzie breaking up with him. Then she realized they had been sitting on the bed for hours, hugging and holding hands. Time flew by but felt like it was standing completely still.

“Do you want to stay over?”

“Of course I do.” She felt a peace here she didn’t have at home, and Mackenzie paid attention to her.

“Do you want to be my girlfriend?”

Graye squirmed, trying to find the right answer, while Mackenzie was staring directly into her eyes. She had to be honest. “I don’t know, Mackenzie.”

The smile faded from Mackenzie’s face. She hopped up. “I’ll be right back.” She rushed into her bathroom before Graye could make things better.

Graye sat on the bed shaking her leg nervously. What should she do? Her eyes were drawn to the floor. She only wanted to be honest. She didn’t think she was ready to be anyone’s girlfriend. She couldn’t anyway. Mackenzie still had Hudson. Graye had her family. After a few minutes that felt like hours, Mackenzie came back into the room with her pajamas on. She didn’t look any happier.

“Here is a pair of shorts and a t-shirt to sleep in.” She practically growled as she tossed them on the bed.

Graye sighed in frustration as she saw their friendship begin to take another shift. “Thanks,” she said. “Going to the bathroom.”

Mackenzie didn’t look at Graye or talk to her when she got up, carrying disappointment on her shoulders, as Graye slowly walked into the bathroom without another word.

It took just a few minutes for her to do what she needed to do to get ready for bed. She glanced in the mirror, exhaled. “Come on, Graye Moon, you can fix this—even if you don’t know how.”

When she eased back into the room Mackenzie was already in the bed snuggled deep under the covers. She was facing the wall and her back was facing Graye. It was clear this was heading where Graye didn’t want it to go.

“You can either sleep in my room with me, or you can go into the guest bedroom.”

She had never slept anywhere else but next to Mackenzie, and she didn’t want to be anywhere else tonight. “I’m fine here as long as it’s okay with you.” Graye ran her fingers through her hair.

“It’s fine. Good night,” Mackenzie said before Graye could even get into the bed.

She didn’t know what to do or say, despite her conscience encouraging her in the bathroom. She’d only argued with her sisters and never really had anyone that wasn’t family get upset with her like this. Graye’s stomach danced with nervousness and her heart beat a little faster.

Breathe.

“I know you like to sleep with the TV on. The remote is over on my desk. You can turn on the TV and then turn off the light. I’ll see you in the morning.”

Graye couldn’t believe how quick the warm room turned cold and distant. She wasn’t ready for that. She turned the TV on and then turned off the light, pulled the covers down and slid gingerly into the bed next to Mackenzie, who didn’t turn around. She watched TV but didn’t want the night to end like this. She didn’t want to lose Mackenzie. They had to make things better.

“Mackenzie, are you sleeping?”

“No. Why? What do you want?”

“We need to talk.”

“I don’t have anything else to say. I said everything I needed. We both like each other. There’s nothing left to add.”

Her words felt like arrows being thrown into Graye’s side. She paused, then shivered, giving the arrows time to fall on the ground while she regrouped. Then she said, “Mackenzie, I don’t even understand what’s going on. I know what I feel. I don’t know why. You’re just not supposed to wake up one day liking your best friend.” She sat up, leaning on her elbows, talking to Mackenzie’s back. Graye reached out to touch her, and Mackenzie pulled away.

“Yes, but we did.”

“Can you at least look at me so we can talk?” Graye sighed.

“I can hear clearly without looking at you.” Mackenzie moved closer to the wall.

“Please,” she begged.

After a few seconds Mackenzie turned over angrily. “What do you have to say, Graye? I mean, for someone that has never been in a relationship before you have hurting people down perfectly. You’re a real pro.” The anger rushed over her face, as sadness and remorse rose to Graye’s. Mackenzie slammed her head down on the pillow in frustration.

“Look…I would be your girlfriend if I understood any of this. I don’t. All I know is that my best friend walked into algebra class one day, and since then, I haven’t been the same. You walked out the same person I had known all of my life, and walked back in looking like a supermodel. Within seconds things changed. How does that happen?” Mackenzie had invaded her daydreams and was now taking over her reality, leaving Graye overwhelmingly confused.

“And so, after all of that you won’t be my girlfriend.” Mackenzie’s pain was clear as she slapped Graye in the face with her words.

Graye shook her head from side to side. “I can’t be. My parents will kill me and my sisters would wreak havoc all over my life. They already do, but it would be a million times worse. And me? I need to, for whatever reason, understand it first.”

“I thought you said you liked me.”

Graye’s eyes danced down toward her hands as they stroked her thighs nervously. “Mackenzie, I do—a lot. If I had a girlfriend, it could only be you. Right now it’s just a shock to my system, gravitating from my brain all the way down to my feet.” She laughed nervously. “It isn’t something that ever entered my mind before last week. I never even looked at boys. I just need time to figure it all out. Don’t you?”

“I guess so. I just thought we could figure it out together.”

“We can. Just not as girlfriends.”

Mackenzie looked off into the distance. “Fine.”

“Are we good?”

She shrugged and Graye reached over and touched her shoulder. “I want to Mackenzie, I promise I do. I just need time.”

“I know.”

“I need you to help me get through this. I don’t have anyone else. Will you please, help me?” She begged knowing if the wind beyond this room snatched their secret, she’d have hell to pay.

“I will.”

Mackenzie’s eyes were puffy from crying. It made Graye sad. She needed time, but no one wanted to give her that. She was taking it anyway, until the view became clearer.

“Can I kiss you again?”

“You didn’t ask me last time.”

That made Mackenzie smile through her tears. “I didn’t think that you would let me.”

“Now you think I will?”

“Yes.”

Graye smiled too and leaned in closer to her best friend, feeling her warmth return. Their lips barely brushed against each other when Graye interrupted. “You’re right. Promise me one thing before we do?”

“What?”

“I don’t want anyone else to know. I need to get through this without the kids at school or my family knowing.”

It was a private situation for them to deal with privately.

“I pinky swear.”

They hooked fingers, then Graye said, “I need you to swear to God too.”

“So much for trusting your best friend.” Mackenzie shrugged her shoulders.

“I do trust you.” Graye reached out for Mackenzie’s hand.

“You have a heck of a way showing it.”

“Do you still want a kiss?”

“Yes.” Mackenzie was smiling a bit, but with tears still hanging on her eyelashes.

“Well, I’m not budging until—”

Mackenzie rolled her eyes. “I swear to God.” She moved, opening her arms, and their lips met again bringing them to a now familiar place. “I won’t tell a soul,” Mackenzie whispered allowing the words to hang in the air while their souls danced.

“Thank you,” Graye managed to say through the kiss. This had to be their road to walk lightly without being disturbed.

Chapter Six

When Graye woke up the next morning she couldn’t focus and was having trouble figuring out where she was. She knew by the silence that she wasn’t at her house. Her family got up before the sun every day of the week. They were that house—the one that never slept. The only thing she heard in this moment when her eyes met the sun, was the soft voice on the TV. She stretched, then got up and went into the bathroom, realizing she was over at Mackenzie’s.

Graye was happy that they’d drifted off to sleep in a better mood. She didn’t like arguing with Mackenzie. They never had any problems until these feelings surfaced. She didn’t want Mackenzie to cry anymore. She was the only person in Graye’s small world who knew about the turmoil brewing inside. Actually she was Graye’s world right now, and that’s what she needed.

Graye looked in the mirror. She couldn’t tell anyone else what she was feeling inside. Although they were the same age, Mackenzie’s past relationships made her seem older. She knew more about these things, leaving Graye feeling somewhat powerless. She dampened a washcloth under warm water and wiped her face. There was sadness in her eyes she couldn’t avoid. Confusion mixed with fear maybe? She exhaled loudly.

When she was finished in the bathroom, she quietly went back into the bedroom. “Are you okay?” Mackenzie asked.

“I didn’t know you were awake.”

“I’m not really. I felt you get up out of the bed. You took the warmth with you.”

“Sorry.” Graye smiled.

“That’s okay.” Mackenzie stretched and yawned, rubbing her eyes.

“What are you doing today?” Graye didn’t want to spend the day with her family. Not when she had a war raging inside of her between her feelings and her mind. The confusion was rolling in like crackling thunder right before a storm.

“Nothing really. What time do you have to be home?”

“My mom didn’t say and usually my dad doesn’t care. Well, as long as we’re doing what we’re supposed to be doing.”

“How do you feel this morning?”

“I feel better I guess. Still confused, but better.”

“What made it better?”

“Just talking about it. And, you know, the kissing was nice.” They both laughed, clearly feeling a little lighter this morning, standing as a united front against an unknown world.

“You won’t be my girlfriend but you don’t have any problems taking my kisses.” She smiled slightly.

Her light brown eyes drew Graye in, connecting the dots that had gone missing in her boring life and bringing with it a glimpse of more than she might be able to handle. She definitely enjoyed Mackenzie’s kisses. They gave her a high like an abundance of chocolate.

“If I could be your girlfriend, maybe I would be. You have to know that it has nothing to do with you. It’s me, my confusion and the craziness that I call my family.”

“I hope it’s not me. Maybe I am not pretty enough for you.”

“What? You are dating the cutest kid at school and he is dating the prettiest girl ever. And I’m not just saying that because we’re friends.”

She’d always thought that if Mackenzie and Hudson were still together senior year that prom king and queen belonged to them—without them even running for it. They were the perfect high school couple.

“Tell me whatever you want, and I will believe what I want.” She smiled, shrugging her shoulders.

“It’s the truth. All I know is that you’re beautiful to me. I’m not making it up. I think it’s true.”

Mackenzie smiled into her pillow, looking embarrassed.

Every girl at school wanted her bouncing hair that she sometimes curled, and her cute boyfriend. Everyone at school envied her, including Graye. Stunningly beautiful is what she was. Her reaction was a clear indication that she was clueless about it, making her, in Graye’s opinion, even more beautiful.

“I know you’re not trying to act shy. Not you.” She laughed, shocked that Mackenzie didn’t see what the whole school and passersby saw.

“I sometimes don’t think that I’m pretty.”

“Throw your broken mirror in the garbage. Your perfect shoulder length brown hair and light brown eyes match your olive skin, and shimmer brightly alongside your beautiful smile. Girls at school are always talking about how pretty you are. If an agent was driving by you, even if you were wearing sweatpants, they’d make you so famous you wouldn’t even be friends with me.”

Mackenzie started laughing.

“I really mean it. You’re pretty enough to be my girlfriend. But my family is crazy enough for you not to be.” She’d always noticed Mackenzie’s beauty, but her feelings shot it to colossal heights.

“I have to call Hudson.”

“You do?”

Why was she feeling jealous? She was still his girlfriend.

“He wanted to meet today. I told him I would call, letting him know if we could. And we can’t. I have to let him know that.” She looked uncomfortable, biting her lip, as she explained things to Graye, her friend, about her boyfriend.

Graye was uncomfortable listening to her explanation, with nervousness seeping out alongside each word. Had they become more than friends?

“Don’t let me stop you from meeting him. I have to go home anyway.” She was annoyed, but she shouldn’t be. Mackenzie was free to do whatever she wanted to do. Where was Graye’s attitude coming from?

“Ha! No, you don’t.”

Graye smiled. “I guess I’m busted. I did just say that, right?”

“You can go home if you want, but you don’t have to go.” She looked a little disappointed, and Graye didn’t really want to leave. Mackenzie’s house was quiet.

“I should go home, shower, and get dressed. But then I can come back. We can hang out if you want.”

“That’s cool. I’ll see if my brother can drop you off. Maybe we’ll go to the movies or something.”

“Okay. Thanks, I’ll have my mom or Sylver bring me back later.” She hoped it’d be her mom. She wasn’t in the mood for Sylver and her antics.

“I’m going to use the bathroom, call Hudson, and then get someone to take you home.”

“Thanks.”

“I’m going to call him while I’m in there. I don’t care if you hear it. I just know that looking at you will make me nervous.” Mackenzie smiled and slowly closed the door.

“Okay.” Graye sat down on the bed to wait. She played games on her cell phone and while she did, her mind drifted around the room thinking of the time she spent with Mackenzie. She smiled, liking it even if she didn’t understand why. Did she really need to know the why when the what was screaming in her face?

Distracted by the sweet sound of Mackenzie’s voice, she turned her ears toward the conversation she was having with Hudson behind closed doors. Graye tried not to listen, but Mackenzie talked loud enough for the words to drift out under the door. Graye overheard her say, “Hudson, I am hanging out with some other friends today.”

Still, Graye couldn’t believe that the perfect couple had become imperfect. Besides, superman had bad breath. Graye chuckled quietly at the thought of the smell of hot garbage funneling out of his mouth when they kissed.

“That’s not true,” Mackenzie protested. “I haven’t been different, Hudson.”

She had been. Graye was sure they both had, since people kept calling them on it. Everyone couldn’t be exaggerating. She didn’t hear talking for a few seconds. What was Hudson saying to her?

Then Mackenzie spoke. “No, I don’t want to be with someone else. I’m not going to sit on this phone listening to you call me names and accuse me of cheating. I know you’re mad, but it doesn’t mean you can hurt me. I do like you, Hudson—I know—well, if that’s how you want it, then that’s how it’ll be. I’m sorry too.”

She heard Mackenzie slam her cell phone down on the sink. Mr. Calm and Cool had faltered, losing control. From what she overheard, it sounded like it was over.

Mackenzie opened the door, came in, and plopped down on the bed.

Graye glanced at her. “You okay?”

She shook her head.

“What happened?”

“I told Hudson that I was going to hang out with my friends today. Well, mainly you. He got mad and said I should be hanging with him on a Saturday. I told him I needed time to figure out some things. He accused me of cheating, being distant, and then he broke up with me.” Mackenzie looked annoyed but didn’t cry.

“Are you going to be okay?”

“Oh yeah. I liked him, but I’ll be fine. I’m just shocked, I think. He was really mean and hurtful.” She frowned as if she were thinking back to the mean words he’d spit into her ear.

“I’m sorry.”

“Doesn’t matter. He’s graduating this year anyway. He is a high school football star. If I’m not with him all of the time then he isn’t the shining star in my life. Yup, he said that too.”

Graye knew Hudson loved Hudson—she just didn’t realize it ran that deep in his veins. If he had blood drawn, his arrogance would probably fill the needle first.

“He told me he was going to change his relationship status. He wanted the world to know he didn’t have a girlfriend anymore.”

“I’m sorry, Mackenzie.” She reached out to graze her hand on Mackenzie’s knee.

“I’m fine. I liked him, but I didn’t love him. I loved Michael. When we broke up, phew, that hurt. This isn’t too bad.” She shrugged her shoulders and appeared more bothered than hurt. She stood and started brushing her hair. Her beauty stole Graye’s attention, then, as she pulled her hair into a ponytail, and away from her face. Graye absolutely couldn’t believe that Mackenzie didn’t see what she was seeing right now. Mackenzie’s innocent beauty just made her elegance shine.

“Um…why are you looking at me like that?” Mackenzie asked of Graye’s reflection in the mirror.

“No reason.” Graye looked toward the floor as heat rose to her cheeks.

“You were gawking at me.”

“I was just thinking and looking in your direction.” She smiled. “And I don’t gawk.”

Evidently she did and wasn’t that good at it.

“Whatever. You know you were checking out my sexy ponytail.” She laughed when she came over and sat gently back on the bed next to Graye. She grabbed her hand, clasped fingers, and then said, “I am sorry I got upset yesterday. You’re my best friend forever. No matter what happens. I won’t tell anyone ever. It’s our secret.”

“I know your feelings were hurt and I’m sorry too.”

“You don’t have to apologize for that. I don’t want what happened between me and Hudson to happen to us.”

“It won’t. We’re learning this stuff together.”

They hugged.

“Do you think you’re gay?” Mackenzie asked.

“I don’t know what to think.”

Would she have to classify herself now?

“I wonder if I’m bisexual. You know, because I like boys and you.” Mackenzie frowned. “I haven’t looked at any other girl and felt like I do with you though.”

“Ugh! This is all so confusing.” Graye lowered her eyes.

“I know. It’s as if your body was sleeping while mine was experimenting. Then mine drifted off waking up at the exact moment that yours did.”

Was that possible? Questions hit Graye in the head from every direction, but she didn’t let them pass her lips.

“Right now all I know is my stomach dances, in a good way, when we’re together.”

Graye couldn’t believe her ears, but embraced the kindness of Mackenzie’s words. “Mine too.” She rubbed Mackenzie’s hand while they sat silently for a few minutes. Their breathing calmed down, flowing into the airwaves merging into one.

“I guess you have to go home, huh?”

“Yeah, but I’ll be back.” She flicked her finger across her nose.

“Put some clothes in a bag. Maybe your mom will let you stay over again. Then we can talk and, um, kiss a little more.”

They laughed.

“Are you sure your mom will be okay with it?” She didn’t want Mackenzie’s mom to get tired of her staying over.

“My mom doesn’t care. She works at night anyway.”

Graye wanted to stay. She just hoped that her mom would be fine with it too, securing another safe night away from her instigating sisters. It was a welcomed break.

“Okay.” They stood and hugged tightly, embracing as if noticing their feelings for the very first time.

“Let’s go talk to my brother. He can take you home.”

“Cool.”

They went downstairs. Mackenzie’s brother, Tyler, was in the kitchen eating some breakfast. The smell of the bacon hovered in the air, fighting to combat the sweet smell of the house. Graye detected the smell of jalapeños speckled alongside the cheese in Tyler’s omelet and welcomed the berry scent that drifted around each room she stepped into.

He took an enormous bite, inhaling his food, and then agreed to take her home. When they were walking to the door, Mackenzie said, “Thanks Tyler.” She turned to Graye. “I will see you later this afternoon, Graye. We can finally get our project done.” She winked and stirred Graye’s insides again.

“Yeah. I’ll be glad when we do.”

Mackenzie smiled at her response.

Graye just hoped no one asked her what the project was—they hadn’t thought that far in advance.

She left and within minutes she was standing in front of her house. She realized Tyler and his gas pedal were quite close, as he sped down the road, driving her the few short miles home. They’d rolled loudly down the road as his foot pressed on and off the pedal rattling the engine like a snake slithering down the empty curvy country road.

She was glad to get home and shower, but she’d be happier on her way back out later. She walked into the house, looking around downstairs. It was quiet. Safe, she thought.

Taking the stairs two at a time, Graye hurried to her room. But before she went into the bathroom, she made sure that she took the note Mackenzie had given her into the bathroom with her. Trust didn’t rest anywhere near her sisters. She didn’t want to risk them finding it.

Graye showered quickly, wanting to go back to where Mackenzie was, and where she wanted to be. Hers and Mackenzie’s souls found themselves one night in the dark, bringing their feelings to rest in the light. She inhaled the comforting thoughts and feelings that it brought.

When she wrapped her towel around her body, fantasizing that it was Mackenzie, she was sure that she heard someone in her room rummaging through her things. She pulled her bath towel tighter and thrust open the bathroom door. She walked out to find Blu and Sylver standing in her room. “What are you two doing?”

Blu didn’t say anything. As always, she looked at Sylver for the words that she wanted to use.

“We just wanted to see what you were doing,” Sylver said with the condescending arrogance Graye always hated pouring out with each word.

“I was in the shower. You don’t have to come in the room to know that. You can hear the water. Let me ask you again, what are you doing in my room?” She could feel her anger rapidly crawling from under her wet feet up into her chest. Her breathing changed as she tried to calm herself. She didn’t want to deal with them standing in her wet towel.

They didn’t answer as she looked from one to the other. “Just leave.” She pointed her arm straight toward the door. “I need to get dressed.” Graye yelled despite her efforts to contain her anger. This was just what Sylver wanted her to be—enraged.

“Where were you last night?” Sylver asked, owning her stance despite being asked to leave.

“You know I was at Mackenzie’s.”

The two sisters looked at each other and smiled. Then Sylver started laughing.

Graye turned around, slamming the bathroom door, leaving the two of them standing together.

How dare they come in and snoop through her things. What gave them the right? Graye was fuming and the anger was bubbling over. She wanted to hit something. Or…

Graye eyed the top drawer beside the sink. She was suddenly faced with a craving. A need. She opened the drawer and lifted up the box of cotton swabs. There, underneath, pinned to the bottom—her salvation.

“No!” Graye slammed the drawer shut.

She looked at herself in the mirror. “You’re better than that, Graye.”

Was she?

Then, Graye did something she wasn’t used to doing. Something she hated to do. She stared in the mirror, watching her angry tears drip down onto the countertop, pooling there. Without another release, the tears just kept coming.

Graye didn’t understand what she was going through and didn’t know why her sisters wouldn’t leave her alone. She wanted to run away but knew she couldn’t. Wherever she went she was sure these feelings were going with her. She had already tried to shake them by ignoring them, but they were holding on tight, refusing to leave. She sat down on the toilet seat, hoping her sisters weren’t in her room when she walked back out. If they were, she couldn’t be responsible.

Graye just wanted to get dressed, talk to her mom, and then quietly go back over to Mackenzie’s. She wiped her face with the towel and opened the bathroom door. She sighed with relief. They were gone, although, they had left her dresser drawers wide open.

She groaned, slammed the drawers shut, closed her door, and started getting dressed. Sylver did things to her sometimes just so she would get into trouble. She liked to pick and pick. Poke at every little thing she could until Graye exploded.

They didn’t fight often, but they did fight. Graye didn’t like to argue, but Sylver constantly ran her mouth, and Graye usually started swinging to silence her. She was almost standing in that place now. But if she erupted like the volcano that was slowly spewing lava, she wouldn’t be able to go over to Mackenzie’s house.

She felt her fists balling up as she looked around her messy room. She couldn’t fall into their trap. If she did, she would be in her room suffering alone while they were planning the next round together.

Breathe, Graye. Just breathe.

They were somewhere in the house waiting for the reaction she refused to give. Knowing that their ears were pressed to the walls waiting, she bit back tears that were trying to make a repeat performance. She wanted to go over to Mackenzie’s house almost as much as she wanted to explode.

Graye found a pair of navy sweats, a light blue t-shirt, and sweat jacket to throw on. She shoved Mackenzie’s letter under her sock, not wanting it to fall out of her sweatpants or jacket pocket. When she was finished getting dressed she went downstairs to see if her mom was home.

She was just coming into the house. She pushed her anger aside. She had to.

“Hi, Mom.”

“Hey, why do you look upset?” her mother asked.

Graye wasn’t about to tell her mother that her other children were bothering her, because somehow they’d turn it around. “Just a little tired,” Graye said, deflecting the conversation. “Can I go back over to Mackenzie’s?”

She sighed. “As long as her mom is fine with it.”

“She is.” Actually, Graye had no clue if Mackenzie had even mentioned it to her mother, but she wanted to get away from Blu and Sylver.

“Did you finish your project?”

She hated lying to her mother, but she looked into her tired face and did it again. “No, but we’re almost done with it.”

She smiled and went into the kitchen.

Graye had the permission, now she just needed the ride. She followed her mother into the kitchen. Her mother placed the few bags she carried in on the counter and started emptying them. “Is someone picking you up? After being on my feet for sixteen hours, I don’t feel like taking you over there.”

“I was going to ask you. Tyler brought me home.” She leaned up against the kitchen chair.

“Sylver can—”

Not wanting Sylver to take her, Graye quickly said, “I’ll see if someone can pick me up.”

“Why? My car is here and your sister can take you.” Her mother looked at her as if a light had just turned on inside her head. “What happened? Is that why your face is on the floor?”

Graye shook her head not wanting to deal with it. “Nothing happened. Nothing at all.”

“Okay. Suit yourself. Your sister can take you, someone on Mackenzie’s end can pick you up, or you can walk. I’m just too tired.” Graye was walking, even if she didn’t want to trek the miles alone, carrying her bag.

“All right.” She ran upstairs into her room. There was a ball of paper crumpled up on her pillow. She figured it had to do with her sisters and she didn’t feel like revisiting her rage, so she decided to pack her bag before she opened it. She grabbed her small gym bag and packed enough for one night. Even if they just remained friends, she wished she could stay over at Mackenzie’s all of the time. Nobody bothered her there. They all lived separate lives even though they shared a house.

Graye was almost finished packing. She plopped down on the edge of her bed and called Mackenzie on her cell. She hopped back up, closing her door. “Hey. She said yes. I’ll be over there soon. Is that okay?”

“Yes. Are you okay?”

Of course she’d noticed the anger and sadness Graye was balancing on her tired shoulders. She tried to hide it, but it didn’t work. Mackenzie was her best friend after all, allowing her to see through anything Graye tried to mask.

“Yeah.”

Mackenzie laughed. “You’re a liar. This has Sylver written all over it.”

Graye didn’t say anything since she was still trying to fight back tears and avoid going to punch Sylver dead in her mouth.

Mackenzie graciously let Graye off the hook. “When are you coming?” she asked.

“As soon as my feet can get me there. I’m walking.”

“What? Why?”

“I’m ready to leave and no one except Sylver can bring me.”

“I’ll come with my brother and pick you up. He isn’t doing anything. He’s off today.”

“I don’t want him to get mad. He just brought me home.”

“Tyler isn’t like that. He’s sitting right here next to me watching videos. Besides he loves that Mustang. We’ll be there in twenty minutes or less.”

That was a relief. She didn’t have to ride with Sylver or walk on the winding road with no sidewalk. Mackenzie’s family was so different from Graye’s. Hers actually helped each other. Graye envied that. Always had.

“Can you guys pick me up by the grocery store?” She had to get away from the house. Couldn’t wait. Sylver was looking for trouble and Graye wasn’t going to help her find it, leaving herself buried in it.

“Okay. Hold it together, please.”

“I will. Thanks.”

“What are best friends for? See you soon.”

Graye smiled and they hung up. She inhaled then exhaled, trying to release the negative energy sitting on her chest. She grabbed the rest of her stuff and tossed it in her bag. Then she picked up the paper from her pillow. Her heart started racing as she began to unfold it. She didn’t want to read it but couldn’t leave it there until she got back.

Graye opened up the paper to find that someone had scribbled her name and Mackenzie’s on it. “Sylver,” she hissed, tossing it in her bag. When she looked up, sure enough, Sylver was standing in her door leaning on the frame, smiling.

“Really?” Graye asked.

“That’s not from me.” Sylver smiled, holding her drink in her hand.

“Well, I didn’t do it. And it isn’t funny.”

Sylver shrugged her shoulders and Graye wanted to knock the smirk off of her face, along with her teeth from her mouth.

“I’m going over to Mackenzie’s to work on my homework.”

Her sister looked at her as if Graye was just someone she passed on the street.

Just then, Graye decided that she didn’t want to know Sylver either. She didn’t deserve what Sylver was doing, but somewhere in her sister’s warped mind, Sylver thought she did.

“I don’t know why you’re bothering me. I would never draw something like this, and I don’t know why you did.”

“Yes, you do. You know more than me.”

Graye turned and grabbed her bag tightly. She wanted to unleash the best ass whipping she could offer, but she just kept reminding herself to walk away. It was hard to push her anger back down toward her feet, but she wanted to see Mackenzie.

“I asked Micah,” Sylver cooed. “You don’t have a project due.” She smiled wide as if she’d hit on something big.

Graye didn’t have a project, but she knew Micah didn’t tell her sister that. He didn’t even know where she had been. He hadn’t called or sent her a text since he got mad. She returned the favor by not calling him. Sylver was trying to bait her and from this angle it wasn’t working.

Graye looked at her sister with her head slightly leaned to the side, acting like the fish that swam away no matter how long the worm hung in the water.

“He isn’t even in any of my classes. You forget that?”

Sylver smiled back at Graye and she looked as if she was remembering he wasn’t. He was taking both eleventh and twelfth grade classes to make up for the ones he needed to graduate next year. Micah had stayed back in first grade after starting kindergarten late. It was as if he’d failed twice because of his age. They only had lunch together. Did Sylver actually think Graye had forgotten that?

“I have to go.” Graye motioned toward the door for Sylver to leave. “And for the record, whatever you’re looking for, it’s not there. So you won’t find anything.”

“Maybe I won’t, but I just might.”

Graye stared at her sister wearing a sinister grin. Then without another word, Graye pushed by, ran down the steps, and left Sylver, and her smile, standing alone.

Chapter Seven

Graye was so happy when she saw Mackenzie and Tyler pull up in front of the Grand Union. She could’ve waited at the house, but just had to walk off her anger. Getting away from Sylver helped. She could be the nicest sister in the world—sometimes. Then she’d turn around, becoming the meanest person you could ever meet. She was like two entirely different people living in one body, saying two different things from each side of her mouth. It was crazy.

Her anger dissipated a little more as Tyler’s blue car came into view. Graye was glad she finally had someplace to hide. Ironically, it was the same place that her mind was running from while unsuccessfully trying to leave her feelings behind.

While she waited for him to stop the car, she couldn’t shake thoughts of her sister. She shook her head. Sylver almost had her to the point where she was ready to accept being grounded every day of the week just to shut Sylver up.

God, she wanted her to stop smirking and tossing out accusations. Graye didn’t care if she was right. So she liked a girl, and needed to know why, but she wasn’t planning on broadcasting it. Sylver was and she didn’t care how many she hurt in her thunderous wake. She’d start again tomorrow. Graye was sure of it. Today she’d escaped. There was no promise that tomorrow would be the same.

“Thanks for the ride—again.” Graye hopped into the backseat.

He nodded his head, glancing at her in his rearview mirror.

“I guess you talked to your mom?” Mackenzie asked as Graye was closing the car door.

“Yes. What about you?”

“No, I’ll tell her when she calls later. She’s at work.”

Tyler drove safely, and a little slower, to their house and dropped Graye and Mackenzie off. “I’ll be back later.” He quickly pulled away, leaving them to fan off the dust he’d kicked up.

“What happened at home?” Mackenzie asked as soon as they were alone.

They sat down in the chairs on her porch, and Graye leaned her head back, allowing the sun to warm her face, hoping it would wash away the clouds. She wondered if she was even worthy of Mackenzie’s love. She sighed.

“Somehow, some way, Sylver knows about us.”

Mackenzie looked horrified. “Even though there isn’t even an us to know about? How does she know anything?”

Graye shrugged her tired shoulders. “I have no idea.”

“We haven’t done anything for people to think we’re up to something.”

“I know.”

Mackenzie glanced down the road. “All we did was tell each other about our feelings. Oh, and we kissed. So what?”

“She saw me doodling a week ago and then started running her mouth about it. She won’t stop and it’s making me angry.” Graye looked toward the ground as her fists balled up again. She really wanted to punch Sylver in the face for being so juvenile.

“Why is she being so mean?”

“She’s like that sometimes.” Graye was going to blow up soon. She didn’t want to, but Sylver would make her. In her seventeen years of life she was the only one that always did. It was as if Sylver could see invisible wounds on Graye’s body and felt the need to poke a stick in them.

Graye exhaled loudly. “She scribbled both our names on a piece of paper. She wrote them over and over with hearts on it. I never said a word about my feelings.” It was as if Sylver was reading her mind without her giving her access to it.

“That’s crazy.”

“Yeah. She was trying to get me to fight. You know, so I couldn’t come here.” Graye’s anger was rising to the surface again as she thought more about it.

“I’m sorry she was mean to you.”

“It’s not your fault. Sometimes I just become the center of their attention.”

At times she didn’t exist to them, and other times they made her hate that she did. Graye couldn’t ever figure out which was worse.

“That stinks.”

Graye didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Sylver knew what she herself was still trying desperately to figure out. Just thinking that she knew something was worse than Graye feeling this way. It was delicate information that she’d handle vengefully. Graye cringed at the thought.

“My mom told me earlier to order pizza. You hungry?”

“Yes. I didn’t have a chance to eat.”

“You were running from Sylver.”

“Yeah, but only until tomorrow.”

Mackenzie looked through her cell phone, then called Frank’s Pizzeria. She ordered Graye’s favorite with everything on it.

Graye realized that she was starving as she thought of how good her pizza would be. Her anger and confusion had distracted her away from her stomach. They ate some chips while waiting for the pizza to come.

“I hope being here makes you feel better.”

“It does.” Graye smiled. “You should’ve seen Sylver smirking at me. Her troublemaking face is stuck in my head.”

“What are we going to do?”

“I don’t know.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t spend time together. You know, for a little while.”

“So because they’re acting stupid, I can’t hang out with my friends? That makes no sense.”

“None of it does. It was just a suggestion, Graye.”

“I’m sorry,” she reached out for Mackenzie. “I’m just pissed off.” Graye slammed her fists down on the arms of the chair causing Mackenzie to jump.

They sat for a few minutes, then Graye started pacing across the porch trying to calm down. She hated when she felt like this. Mackenzie watched and waited. Finally after what seemed like forever, Graye sat down. “I’m good.”

“I liked Hudson last school year. I liked him until a few weeks ago.” Mackenzie was talking really fast, nervous and trying to change the subject.

Graye motioned for her to slow down. “And now?”

“Now all I ever think about is you, Graye. You stole my heart right out from under him. You started a fire in it. Ah, just to think about the star football player dropping the ball cracks me up.”

Graye managed a smile. “Well, I never liked anybody, now I think about you all day.”

“Is that such a bad thing?” Mackenzie smiled, flirting with Graye right on her front porch.

“Aside from the mountain of confusion? Nope.” Mackenzie had managed to steal her dreams at night too. These feelings refused to give Graye any rest.

“I don’t know why any of this is happening. I especially don’t know how Sylver knows.”

“Who else knows?”

They both stared at each other, realizing they had been airing their business out on the porch in broad daylight, giving each ear on the street an opportunity to breathe life into their business.

Without another word, they went into the house and sat in the living room. No one else was home. They turned on the TV and watched videos. Graye inhaled the fruity scent of the air freshener on the bookcase.

“My mom thinks we’re working on homework. I lied and I don’t like lying.” Although it was becoming the norm for her, she didn’t want it to be. For now, it had to be this way.

“I feel like we’re hiding something.”

“That’s because we are.” Graye grabbed Mackenzie’s hand and held it by her side. She felt like her feelings were wrong, but she didn’t want to let go.

“This is making me crazy inside, how I feel about you. Mackenzie, what are we going to do?”

Mackenzie looked at Graye. “We don’t have to do anything about it.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. Maybe just knowing how we feel about each other is good enough.”

Was it?

They sat quietly watching videos. Words wouldn’t come out easy and Graye wanted to scream. She was engulfed by every emotion a person could feel. All she wanted was to feel the comfort Mackenzie silently offered her.

“I’ve had crushes before. Maybe that’s all it is.”

Graye had never had one. She thought it was more than that though. “Maybe.”

“My family would freak out a little less than yours,” Mackenzie offered, “but I’m sure my parents don’t want me to date girls either.”

Graye nodded, trying to listen and forget what had happened at home with Sylver. She wanted Mackenzie’s words to drown out the ones that kept playing over in her mind.

“I love Sylver, because she’s my sister, but I need to start making her pay me for the space she takes up in my head.”

Mackenzie busted out laughing. “If she paid you we could both quit school. You’d be a gazillionaire.”

They laughed again. It was funny. Right now, Graye needed funny.

The pizza guy pulled up with his loud muffler introducing his arrival. Mackenzie got up and went into the kitchen with Graye following on her heels. Graye noticed her reach up over the stove into a cereal box. She grabbed money out of it, then went to the door and paid for the pizza.

She put the pizza on the table in the living room and then went to grab sodas from the fridge. Graye heard the ice cubes drop into the glasses, and then the sound of the fizzing sodas.

“Thanks, Mackenzie.”

“For what?”

“For being my best friend.” She smiled, taking a bite of her hot pizza, then grabbed her mouth as the cheese stung the back of her tongue. She breathed on the slice before taking another bite. “So, what project are we working on?”

“Oh, in case someone asks?”

“Yup.” Graye looked out the window, chewed her food, and then turned to Mackenzie. “We can tell them that we’re trying to figure out the meaning of love.”

They both began to laugh. Graye grabbed her stomach—it hurt from laughing so hard. “Really we can.”

“Um, no we can’t.” They laughed again with tears rolling down their faces.

“We can just say it’s a science project. They won’t ask for the details.”

“And when my mom asks where it is?”

“You say I have it.”

“And then I’ll say you have it,” Graye added.

“Wow. I’m impressed at your lying skills.”

“I am good at it.” Graye winked. They ate their pizza and watched videos. Graye felt like things between them were leaning back toward old times. She liked the idea of things being the same. But all she could think about was kissing her again. She tried her best to shake it away. She wasn’t sure if it was worth trading for their normal, but she contemplated risking it.

They hung out on the couch laughing and talking. Then Mackenzie’s phone rang. It was Hudson. Her eyes apologized when she answered it.

“Hello.” She waited for a reply.

Graye couldn’t hear Hudson’s normally booming voice through the phone.

“Hudson?” Mackenzie looked at her phone as if she’d lost the connection. “Um…hello? Are you going to talk?” She gave Graye a nudge and motioned her closer.

Hudson finally spoke. “Yeah, I was wondering something.” Graye leaned in and listened intently.

“What?” Mackenzie sounded like she was getting annoyed.

Graye tried to stay quiet so he wouldn’t hear her there, but she leaned in closer so she could hear him better. Mackenzie increased the volume and angled the phone toward Graye, making it easier.

“Why did you break up with me?” he spit angrily.

“Hudson, I didn’t. You broke up with me.” She looked at Graye and rolled her eyes. He didn’t say anything. “Look, I’m doing my homework. Are you going to talk or not?”

“Just so you know. Girls don’t break up with me.”

“I didn’t. You broke up with me.” He acted on it before she could.

“You didn’t want to spend time with me. You wanted to spend time with your friends.”

“Yes, and you broke up with me.”

“You picked your friends over me.”

“No, I didn’t. I wanted one day to hang out.” He sighed loudly. He was getting angry and louder. Graye noticed that tone as the one she shared earlier—his anger was rising.

“Like I said, girls don’t break up with Hudson Clarke.”

“Okay.”

They both sat quietly and then Hudson spoke.

“And you will pay for it.”

“Hudson, I didn’t break up with you.”

“I see it different. I am Hudson Clarke. I get what I want—sometimes I even take it.” He paused, then added, “You can’t just walk away.”

Graye could feel Mackenzie’s heart racing as the tone in the room changed. She was getting nervous. Was he threatening her?

“What?”

“I’m going to make you pay. You hear me now?” He was growling into the phone like a mangy dog.

“I didn’t do anything.”

He was silent for a second and then said, “Nah, but yeah—you did.” He hung up.

Mackenzie stared at her phone, looking a little afraid.

“What the hell?” Graye asked.

Mackenzie quietly stared at the floor.

“You need to tell your parents.”

“I don’t even know what he’s talking about. You were there when he did it. He broke up with me, right?” She screamed as the tears ran down her face.

“Yeah, he broke up with you. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I just wanted time to think. He broke up with me.” She fell into Graye’s arms, crying.

Graye was at a loss for words, so she held Mackenzie, not even trying to find any to say.

Mackenzie’s chest moved up and down as tears streamed down her face.

Graye’s heartbeat matched Mackenzie’s. She was pissed and ready to protect her from Hudson, and whoever else managed to get in their way.

One day they innocently strolled as friends. Today things changed. With every beat of their hearts they became more than that. Their separate struggles became one, without them even knowing exactly what they were going to do, their broken hearts decided to be together.

Chapter Eight

Graye’s life began to spiral. After Hudson’s threatening phone call, Graye and Mackenzie continued spending time together—in public places, not just at her house. They were almost inseparable before all of this, and now somehow had managed to get closer.

Sylver and Blu continued doing things to upset Graye. So, she did her best to spend time out of the house, in between being grounded.

One night her parents had sat her down on the couch and asked what was going on, but she didn’t tell them. She didn’t know how to, without making them hate her.

Surprisingly, Sylver and Blu didn’t tell them either, but they lived at war and no one knew the real reasons why. Sometimes Graye heard her mom say it was just sibling rivalry. She wanted to reply, “Nope. Not even close.” Instead, she continued to say nothing, suffering in silence.

Her sisters were anything but silent, regularly calling her names—gay, lesbo, dyke, and whatever else they could come up with.

Sometimes Graye could walk away, but on most days she couldn’t. She would swiftly start punching Sylver before her sisters even finished spitting out the barrage of hurtful words. Graye felt such a rage brewing inside of her, when she let herself go there, she couldn’t return easily. Still, they kept bothering her, reigniting the fire day after day.

Instead of the unnoticed, quiet person she used to be, gritting her teeth and venting her emotions on herself, she turned into a fighter, venting her anger with clenched fists.

Her eruptions spilled over into school, too. She tried to stop it, tried to fix it when she couldn’t stop, but nothing worked. The pain had to go somewhere. Her anger sat brewing in her mind all day, trickling down to the palms of her hands—ready when she needed to unleash it.

Graye became unlikeable to everyone except her closest friends. When anyone called her names at school she offered no conversation, but answered them with fisted hands, punching the nasty words back down their throats. That’ll teach them.

She wasn’t proud of it, but it was what they had created.

Graye ended up getting kicked off of the track team. Mackenzie quit soon after. She didn’t want to go to the track meets without Graye, who abruptly quit the softball team before they kicked her off that too.

As the school year continued to creep by, Sylver and Graye began fighting more and more, until it was almost constant. Sylver’s mean words always found a way to cut Graye down to her core.

So much for sticks and stones and names not hurting. As they grew up, those words became harsh and they came at Graye from every direction it seemed.

Blu was usually just one of the instigators, she didn’t fight, but once their parents left for work, Sylver and Blu would start following Graye around the house. Then, as each day drifted by, Graye’s anger increased uncontrollably, making it almost impossible to walk away.

Still, she refused to open the top drawer in the bathroom and she refused to take it out on herself. She was determined not to ever do that again, even though the pressure needed to be released somehow.

Things between Mackenzie and Graye hadn’t changed from friendship status. They’d stopped talking about their feelings and just tried to live. Still, Graye felt a change in her heartbeat when they were together. It was calmer.

They quietly fought their battle together, but each day someone threw new things in their direction. Life as they knew it wasn’t the same, no matter how hard they’d tried. And it was all over some dumb feelings. These feelings were totally ruining her life. She hated them, even though she liked them.

“Why can’t you just walk away?” Mackenzie had asked one day, annoyed by Graye’s fighting.

“I’m tired of walking away. Why am I the center of everyone’s attention?”

Mackenzie shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Well, if they keep coming at me with craziness, I’m going to keep unleashing the beast.”

Mackenzie bent over laughing. “The beast?”

“Just trying to make you laugh. But I’ll keep fighting if I have to. I can only take so much. And my patience thins each time.”

As they sat, Mackenzie filled Graye in about the latest saga that had become Hudson. That boy was getting ready to taste Graye’s wrath if he didn’t smarten up and walk away. Mackenzie was holding her back, and that kept him safe—for now.

Despite all the craziness managing to hover around them, they liked hanging together. They had started missing each other too much when they were apart. Their feelings were there, but unspoken all the same. They were still just friends in deep “like” for each other, and they left it that way. But it dangled in the air above them every moment, together or apart, like the constant whispers they tried to ignore.

If she wasn’t with Mackenzie, she spent time with Micah. Luckily, their paths had crossed and reconnected them. They had made up without needing to talk about things, and Micah came around a bit more often, even inviting them out to a gay bar he went to regularly.

Micah’s boyfriend was twenty-one, but they weren’t technically old enough to get into the bar. Still, Mackenzie was adamant she wouldn’t go even if they were.

After days of talking about it, Graye finally went out with Micah alone, telling her parents she was going over to his house. They waited on Micah’s porch for his boyfriend to come over and then he drove them to Scotchtown.

When Graye walked into McCabe’s Bar, she couldn’t believe her eyes. There were men and men dancing together, and women and women dancing together.

“Close your mouth,” Micah said as Graye gawked at everyone. She had never seen anything like it. “If you don’t, they’ll know we don’t belong even close to here.”

It took a few seconds, but Graye closed her mouth, and they walked up to the bar to get some drinks. Graye and Micah both had a soda, while Micah’s boyfriend, Charles, had a beer.

She had tasted beer before and didn’t see the point. It tasted and looked like bottled water mixed with pee. She didn’t like the taste or the sleepy feelings it gave her. Besides, she was already breaking the law for being in the bar anyway and didn’t plan on adding underage drinking to the possible charges she could face.

Graye felt as if she’d crossed over from her world into a new world that people had tried to convince her didn’t exist. She now had living proof that it actually did.

Micah came up behind Graye and started dancing close to her. Then he grabbed her hand and pulled her out onto the dance floor.

She didn’t usually dance, but she didn’t put up a fight. She couldn’t take her eyes off all of the people around them as her hips swayed to the beat that pounded soulfully in her chest.

This world existed, and in this moment Graye wondered if she was supposed to be a part of it. Everything going on in her life lately led her to believe that she was, but she wasn’t sure if she wanted to be. It was different. It was confusing. It was about having positive feelings for someone, but it managed to have hate and negativity attached to it, too.

She was seventeen years old and just wanted to finish high school next year. But for some reason her mind thought it needed a little more than that. It stirred things up, forcing her to focus on things she didn’t even know existed inside of her. She didn’t care about others being gay. She cared about the feelings she harbored. Could Graye ever deal with it as freely as the people she was watching did?

Micah was dancing as if she wasn’t even there. His eyes were closed, while his curly hair moved from side to side, matching the sway of his hips. He was just living free. Each day of his life he dealt with this. She didn’t know if she was strong enough to be an outsider, even though her sisters treated her like one. She wasn’t so sure she’d survive this.

Graye was exhausted, but she danced most of the night with Micah anyway. They didn’t talk much and she was sure that he wouldn’t have noticed if she had completely drifted off the dance floor.

Charles didn’t dance, but he seemed to have drinking down to a science, so Graye was glad Micah could drive. She was convinced Charles was way over the limit.

As it almost always did, Graye’s mind drifted to thoughts of Mackenzie. What would she think about McCabe’s Bar and the people in it? They looked happy and at peace with themselves. Was it just because they were down here at the end of a dark road in a gay club, or was their happiness real—every day and everywhere?

She looked around, her eyes never leaving the people around her. What story would each of them tell? Had they been where she was in this moment? Had Micah?

Being different wasn’t easy, and people had a way of making things harder, instead of letting them be. So, Graye ended up dealing with troublemakers instead of figuring out what she was going through.

Graye motioned to Micah that she was hot. He twirled around on the dance floor ignoring her, so she walked outside. She needed a cool breeze on her sweaty skin. When she got outside she called Mackenzie. She had to tell her about her night.

Mackenzie’s soft voice answered sleepily.

“I didn’t mean to wake you up,” Graye said.

“It’s okay. I wanted you to call.”

Graye inhaled the cool night air as her heart expanded in a deep sigh. Hearing Mackenzie say that, she felt happy.

“How is it?”

“People are dancing and having fun. Some of the guys are dressed like women.”

“Really?” Mackenzie sounded as shocked as Graye had felt when she saw it herself.

“Pretty much everything we’ve heard about, I’ve caught a glimpse of tonight.”

“And?”

“And, I don’t know. I’ve been having fun, but don’t know if this is my thing.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t want my future to be me on the outside, looking in. You know? I don’t want to hide.”

“Me either.”

“We spend time together like friends and even that has caused problems.” Graye sighed, this time out of frustration.

“I know.”

“Can you imagine if we were doing more than that?”

“No, but it’s nuts.”

“We lie about why we’re together.”

“Because of others, not us,” Mackenzie pointed out.

She was right. Other people were reading into their friendship. “We kissed a few times, but not often. I don’t get it. We got closer and then—”

“The rumors quickly took flight,” Mackenzie finished.

“Exactly. I wrote your name down and my sister took it to another level.” People kissed all of the time and nothing happened, nobody freaked out. They were friends who had deeper feelings for each other. End of story. Or it should be.

“We have a lot to think about.”

“What if we didn’t?” Graye asked.

“Do you really think your feelings will just go away?”

“Maybe. They just showed up. I didn’t invite them.”

“It’s not like a rash or something, Graye. Feelings just don’t clear up, or wash away. At least, when they’re real they don’t.”

Graye smiled, as her doubt seeped into the phone. “I know.” She shrugged her shoulders, annoyed that Mackenzie was mocking her. She just wanted things to get a little easier. “We can stop talking about it and see what happens if you want.”

The door of the club opened, and Graye looked up to see two women walking out hand in hand. They stopped and Graye’s attention hovered on them as the shorter one spoke to her girlfriend.

“I love you,” she said, smiling sweetly.

Her girlfriend kissed her. “I love you forever,” she said. “I’m so glad you came into my life.”

Graye’s eyes were glued on the women. She watched them walk off, hand in hand, toward their car.

“Graye? Are you there?” Mackenzie asked.

She gave her head a shake. “Yeah. Sorry.” Graye liked Mackenzie a lot but she didn’t feel like those women did. Did they love each other out loud or just in the dark? She wished she could ask.

“Okay,” Mackenzie said. “I thought you hung up.”

“Sorry. I was watching something.”

“What time are you guys leaving?”

“I don’t know. I hope soon. I’m tired.” She couldn’t catch the yawn to stop it from coming out, as if on cue.

“Maybe, you can come by tomorrow.”

“Yeah, I’ll talk to my mom.”

“All right. I’m going back to sleep.”

“Okay, and think about what I said.”

“Which part?” Mackenzie asked.

“Let’s not bring it up. Let’s see if things go back to normal.”

Mackenzie laughed. “Okay. We can give it a try.”

Graye didn’t think Mackenzie agreed with her. “If it’s real, then the feelings will stay. If not, we can move on.”

“Good night, Graye.”

“Good night, Mackenzie.”

In the days that followed her ingenious request, they lived like best friends making no mention of their feelings. The funny thing was, Mackenzie was right. The feelings didn’t just go away as Graye had thought they would, since they’d appeared so easily.

They relentlessly surfaced out of nowhere, in a kiss or when they held hands. Graye was still afraid about what she was feeling for Mackenzie. Despite her efforts, her feelings were getting stronger. Eventually she’d have to move on them.

Graye was doing her best to hold her anger together at home. Mackenzie encouraged her every step of the way. They both knew if she messed up they couldn’t see each other, but her sisters wouldn’t leave her alone.

Today, Graye left Mackenzie’s sibling free zone with a bad feeling looming in the air. Something was going to happen. A sinking sensation seemed to be smothering her. She tried to shake off the nervousness when she left Mackenzie’s house and went home—it was hard for her to pull away, but it was what she had to do.

Graye was exhausted from all that had been going on, yet she climbed the steps two at a time. She was trying to make a clean, swift run to her room, bypassing her sisters. She paused when she reached her door. It was ajar, although she knew she’d closed it. She slowly pushed it open, finding her room a complete mess. Graye stood with her hands at her sides, unable to move, as her eyes scanned the room.

They had thrown pictures of women kissing women, all over her bed. Graye didn’t even know where they could have gotten them. She glared at the pictures as her fists closed tight and her heart raced with anger.

Tears rolled down her face as she had visions of her hands around Sylver’s neck. She heard her and Blu giggling outside the door. It was time for the volcano to blow. Their plan to hurt her had worked.

Graye was enraged, as the darkness that hovered over her finally clawed its way to the surface. She couldn’t send it back down. It spilled over into her fingertips, crossing her over into the darkest place she’d ever been.

She was blinded by anger, and before she knew it, she had thrown open the door and Graye’s hands wrapped tightly around Sylver’s neck, just as she’d envisioned. She didn’t even remember leaving her messy room. She just knew that she heard Blu off in the distance, screaming at her to stop. But she didn’t stop. Not until she felt Blu punching her in the back.

Graye dropped Sylver to the floor, but was still blind with rage. She squinted enough to see the tears streaming down Blu’s frightened face as she yelled, “Why, Graye? Why?”

She looked, but didn’t respond. Graye dashed back into her room and tossed some clothes in the biggest bag she could find. She had no destination, but was done here. She’d just made sure of that.

Graye had to leave before her parents made her. She surveyed her room to see if she’d left anything she needed. She raced into the bathroom first and then she grabbed the pictures off of her bed, not wanting their parents to see them. She cried inside, but those tears didn’t put out the fire her sisters had sparked.

Graye walked down the hallway, hearing both Sylver’s and Blu’s sniffles. She didn’t care—didn’t think she could anymore. The only emotion she would ever attach to them now would be hate. They’d erased the love she had for them with their constant ridicule.

Graye looked back before she ran down the steps and saw something different in Sylver’s eyes now. It looked like fear. The smile that usually took up permanent residence on her face was gone.

She wasn’t afraid of Sylver. Graye only feared herself, and what she had just done. She had Sylver’s life dangling in her hands, and she almost snatched it from her. As Graye turned to leave, she glanced down at her hands in surprise. She had no clue such rage lived within her.

Her bag and cell phone in hand, she left the house. Where was she was going anyway? All she had was the change from lunch. She had no money, and she certainly had no cereal box to snatch it from either.

She sprinted down to the railroad tracks and watched the water in the stream. It was quiet and peaceful. Her life used to be close to that. Now it was a complete and utter mess.

Retrieving her cell phone from her pocket, Graye called Mackenzie. The whole world was teaming up against her. She didn’t do anything to get here. Her feelings about girls changed, but she was still the same.

“Hey,” Mackenzie said. “Um…your mom is looking for you.” Her tone sounded more concerned than usual.

“Oh, yeah?” Graye threw rocks into the water. The peacefulness was unsettled now, matching how she was feeling. “That’s nice.”

“I was just getting ready to call you.”

“Okay.” Graye wiped her silent tears.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Graye had never had her heart broken, but was almost sure this was what it felt like. She reached into her pocket and let her hands caress the cool thin metal there. They called her by name, whispering promises of freedom. She pulled it out, twirled the safety pin around in her fingers. Safety pin. Ha. She was far from safe with that in her hands, but it would help ease the pain. The razor blade resting in her pocket would also—unless she tossed them in the stream.

“Where are you?”

“Nowhere.”

“Everyone is somewhere. Where are you?”

Graye didn’t want to be around anyone—just alone, lost in her own pain. “I wanted to call and say hello.”

“Graye, are you okay?”

Mackenzie had started crying. Graye could hear it in her voice. “Yup.” She lied, and knew Mackenzie knew it.

“Let me come and meet you,” Mackenzie offered.

“That’s okay.” Graye toyed with the thought that suicide might be better than simply scarring her arms. What if she started cutting and didn’t stop? What then? Could she do it? Would anyone care if she did?

She sat down on a rock and looked at the glint of silver in her hand. Silver. How ironic. It was Sylver who got her into this mess. What a twist to think that something silver could release her from it too.

“Graye? Are you still there? I’ll see if you can come stay over here for a while.”

“No thanks. I’m sure I’ll mess that up too.”

“Graye. Talk to me,” Mackenzie begged. “What’s going on?”

There wasn’t enough oxygen that Graye could suck into her lungs, no matter how deep a breath she took. She didn’t want to replay how bad she may have hurt her sister. She wasn’t that person. They created it. They should’ve just left her alone.

“Please, Graye. Tell me.”

Graye swallowed against the huge lump in her throat. Mackenzie would hate her, too, after she found out what Graye had done. “I went home and Sylver bothered me again—problem is, I hurt her really bad this time. I’m going to get in big trouble.”

“No, you won’t.”

“Really, I will. It was bad. I almost choked the life out of her.”

Blu would have told her mother by now, she always did.

“It wasn’t your fault, Graye.”

“They’ll think it was. They always blame me.”

“I’ll come over and help you explain things.”

Graye punched herself in the leg. Hard. It wasn’t enough. “I don’t want to go back there. Ever.” Those words bounced around in her head. She meant it. She didn’t want to go back where she wasn’t wanted. She had no place else to go.

“The other night I overheard my parents talking about me.”

“You never told me that.”

“I didn’t tell anyone,” Graye admitted. “They said if I didn’t stop fighting, they’d put me in a hospital.”

Mackenzie gasped. “No way! They can’t do that.”

“They can, and they will. I’m only seventeen. Today is going to be that day—I ain’t going.”

“Maybe they were just talking.”

“My parents don’t do that. What they say, they do.”

Graye’s vision was cloudy from the tears hanging on the ends of her eyelashes. The safety pin danced double-vision in that cloud of saline. “Mackenzie, I really like you, but your life is better without me.”

Everybody’s life was.

In the zone, Graye hugged the phone between her ear and shoulder. She unhooked the safety pin and lit the end with her lighter to clean it off. Her heart started racing and her focus tunneled at the object in her hand. She glanced at her reflection in the water. “I hate you,” she whispered.

“You hate me?” Mackenzie’s words shattered Graye’s concentration.

She didn’t want to leave Mackenzie, but it hurt to stay her friend. “No, I was talking to myself.”

“Graye, listen, you are so scaring me.”

She sighed deeply as she moved the pin toward her arm ready to cut herself. Maybe she wouldn’t stop this time.

“Please, Graye,” Mackenzie begged.

The words were mere background noise as Graye contemplated her freedom.

I don’t want to hurt anymore. She wanted to run off where no one knew her. She wanted to float away. She couldn’t do those things, but she could be free. She could—

“Graye!” Mackenzie yelled, and it startled her enough that she snapped to attention.

“Yes, Mackenzie.”

“Tell me where you are. I’m standing here, ready to come and get you.”

Graye heaved a great sigh. She closed the safety pin. “I’m where I always go. The railroad tracks.”

“Promise me you’ll stay until I get there. And then if you want, you can stop being my friend, but not until I get there.”

If only Mackenzie knew—Graye really wanted the opposite. Only her mouth said different.

“I promise.” Graye could hear Mackenzie crying as she hung up the phone. She reached into her pocket and tossed the razor blade in the water. She picked up a small rock, bent the safety pin around it, and pitched it into the stream. She watched her freedom skip a few times across the surface of the water before it sunk below, then she lay down with her hands underneath her head.

Her mind drifted off to the freight train that used to come through here twice a week. She used to close her eyes and listen to the whistle blow—the loudness of the train almost vibrated her thoughts. She missed that sound.

Graye sat up, brushed her clothes off, and stared at the water. The salt from her tears reached her lips and her tongue snaked out, tasting her pain. She wiped her face with the back of her hand. Calmness and peacefulness were restoring to the stream. As long as she stopped tossing rocks into it, it would remain so. She wanted that peace and calm to return to her life, too, and she didn’t know what to do for that.

Cutting wasn’t the answer.

Suicide wasn’t either. They both only spoke to the torment that lived inside of her—it wouldn’t make things better.

Chapter Nine

Mackenzie showed up faster than Graye had expected. She ran down toward where Graye had propped herself alongside the tracks. Her fear was evident as she trotted closer. Mackenzie grabbed Graye’s face, firmly, looking into her eyes. Her tears danced down onto her shirt. “Thank God you’re safe.”

Graye ignored Mackenzie’s comment. Her parents were probably already out looking for her. “I’m not going into the hospital, Mackenzie. I didn’t do anything.”

“We won’t let anyone know that I found you.”

They hugged and cried. Graye inhaled the sweet smell of comfort she shared with Mackenzie. It was breathtaking, yet she became fearful at the same time. She didn’t want her parents to know where she was.

“I grabbed money from the cereal box,” Mackenzie told her. “It’s enough for a cheap room for a few days.”

The magnitude of what Graye had done, slapped her hard, forcing her to gasp. She didn’t want to stay alone in some sleazy motel. She wanted to close her own bedroom door and rest peacefully in her own room. Sylver had made sure she couldn’t do that.

Graye cried harder for a minute, then she stared at Mackenzie. The drama that their feelings brought had led her down to the unspoken solace of the railroad tracks. Her secret place that she never shared with anyone, she now shared with Mackenzie.

“I hate my life.” It fell out of her mouth, with the power of a giant, crashing into the air and carrying the pain that had found residence in her soul.

“I am a part of your life.” Mackenzie smiled gently, and before Graye knew it, her lips were covering Mackenzie’s with passion that had been pushed down by her whirlwind of emotions.

They were outside in broad daylight, unable to hide behind a closed bedroom door. They were openly kissing, but Graye couldn’t pull away, despite the dangerousness that came with being caught. Her heart calmed as they shared this passion. Mackenzie was just what Graye had needed to calm her spirit and let her soul dance up from the sadness.

Graye finally pulled back to look at Mackenzie. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“I know.” Mackenzie wiped the tears that still rested on her cheeks.

“I didn’t mean to kiss you outside.” She looked around the area where they sat. They were alone. “I couldn’t help it.”

“That’s okay, too.” Graye grabbed Mackenzie’s hand and squeezed it. They sat side by side, welcoming the cool breeze that drifted through, as a bird sang from a tree nearby. They both glanced up as the bird became louder and louder, as if trying to steal their attention.

“You’re not the part of my life that I hate. Just so you know.”

“I know.”

“How did you get here?”

“My brother brought me. He was going to work. I had him drop me off a few blocks away, and then I walked over.”

“It’s starting to get dark.” Some kind of runaway she was—scared to sleep outside. It was dumb to leave without a plan.

“You want to go over to the motel?”

“We’re not old enough to get a room.”

“It’s a good thing my uncle owns it.”

“I forgot about that.” She flashed a grin. Graye was happy to know she’d be sleeping with a roof over her head tonight and not under the trees.

“He’ll really let me stay there?”

Mackenzie nodded her head yes. “The sight of money sometimes makes him forget the rules.”

Graye wrapped Mackenzie in a hug. “Thank you for rescuing me.” They hugged, and then walked down the road toward the Warwick Motel.

Graye noticed Mackenzie had a book bag on her back. “What’s with the bag?”

Mackenzie shrugged one shoulder. “You didn’t think I was letting you stay alone, did you?”

“Thanks.” Such a subtle gesture that jumpstarted Graye’s heart. Her hand snaked over and gave Mackenzie’s hand a quick squeeze.

“What are best friends for?”

Graye’s heart was on the mend. At least for now. Mackenzie was the one person in her world that she trusted.

“And what did you tell your parents?” Graye asked. Honored and humored by Mackenzie foiling her escape, Graye grinned at the idea of them hiding out together.

“That I was staying over a friend’s house. They don’t usually ask for details. You know, since I am such a good kid.” She giggled.

“If I keep searching for answers, will I ever find out why we just all of a sudden started liking each other?”

“Some things don’t have a reason. Sometimes it just is.”

Mackenzie introduced Graye to her uncle again. It had been a long time since she’d seen him. Before he could ask Graye’s name, Mackenzie gave him one. “Her name is Rhianna.”

His eyebrows arched. He wasn’t buying that.

Graye grabbed her stomach, as it danced, waiting for his reply.

“I need two names for the paperwork. Does she have another one of those?”

“Nope. That’s it.”

He stared at them. Graye’s heart raced. It was officially dark outside and they’d have nowhere else to go if he didn’t let them stay.

Mackenzie flashed her most convincing smile at her uncle. “You do remember I am your niece, right?”

“Yes,” he grumbled.

Mackenzie had surprised Graye with a boldness she had never seen. “And if my parents call or stop by?”

“I’ll forget.”

Mackenzie reached over the counter and patted his hand. “Thanks, Uncle Martin.”

He smiled halfheartedly and slid the keys across the worn and yellowed counter.

Uncle Martin shouted at them as they walked away. “There ain’t no room service.”

“That’s not surprising,” Mackenzie whispered to Graye. To her uncle she said, “Okay. Thanks.” Then she grinned mischievously at Graye. “Let’s go Rhianna.”

The two of them giggled all the way to their motel room.

Graye’s ringing phone interrupted their laughter. It was her mother. She quickly pressed deny and noticed that she had called at least ten times. Her mother was definitely angry. Graye wasn’t returning this call, or the other ten. Not tonight at least.

“What about school?” she asked Mackenzie.

“I need a vacation.” They giggled nervously.

Everything in her life had become a blur. Graye’s days ran into her nights and her weekends flew by even faster. Life wasn’t being fair, or clear, to her.

The room wasn’t that bad, but it was dingy with a stale odor. The carpet was dark, probably hiding years of dirt. There was one big bed, a small kitchen area, and the bathroom. Graye liked the big windows, but she pulled the curtains closed tightly anyway. She didn’t know if she was running from her parents, the police, or herself.

They plopped down on the bed to watch TV and listened to Graye’s phone ring repeatedly. It would stop and immediately start again. She finally turned the phone on vibrate and they drifted off to sleep.

When Graye woke up the next morning, Mackenzie was gone, but her bag was still there. Graye got up and peeked out of the closed blinds. There wasn’t anyone out in the parking lot. Mackenzie included.

When she went to the bathroom, she heard the door open, so she finished quickly, washed her hands, and peeked out the door before opening it.

There stood a smiling Mackenzie. “Good morning, Graye. Can I make your gray skies blue?”

“Feels like I haven’t heard that in a long time.”

She put the bags down. “Can I?”

“How?”

“I don’t know. Maybe with a hug?”

“Sure. I can handle that.” They stood in the middle of the room and hugged tightly. Graye felt safe. Even though they couldn’t stay in this room forever, a few days would be good.

“Thanks.”

“Anytime.” Mackenzie flashed her glowing smile. “I got some breakfast, and food for later too.”

“Sorry I don’t have any money.” Her eyes met the floor.

“Don’t worry about it.”

Graye sat in the musty chair while Mackenzie took the stuff out of the bag.

“So, what’s your plan?”

“I don’t have one really.”

“What would you have done if I didn’t come last night?”

Graye bristled. She couldn’t tell Mackenzie the horrible thoughts she had been thinking—what she almost did. “I have no idea. Maybe I would still be on the tracks.”

“Weren’t you scared?”

“Yeah, but I’m more afraid of being admitted into a hospital. They might not ever let me out again.”

Mackenzie nodded. They ate bagels and drank soda. “My mom called me when I was out,” she said.

Graye’s heart jumped back into her throat. “And? You answered?”

“Yeah,” she said. “Don’t worry I didn’t give her any information. She yelled at me for hitting up the cereal box. She told me she knew I was with you even if I told her different.”

“She mad?”

“Maybe, but she didn’t act like it. I told her I would be home in a few days.”

“And she didn’t demand you come back now?”

“Nope.”

“Wow.” Graye didn’t know what to say.

“She didn’t even ask me where we were.”

Graye kept eating as if she’d been starving.

“For dinner we can order pizza,” Mackenzie offered with a warm smile.

“Thanks.”

Graye’s phone started ringing. It was Micah. “Should I answer it?”

“It’s up to you, but you can’t ignore it forever.”

Graye shrugged. “Hello.”

“Hi. How are you?” Micah’s usual bubbly voice sang into the phone.

“I’m alive. Not sure how good that is.”

“I saw Sylver.”

“Is she okay?”

“Yes. She went to the hospital. She has a few marks on her neck.”

“Oh.” Graye sighed, remembering the darkness she’d unleashed when she lost control.

“Um…she told me what happened.”

Graye fixed her eyes on the floor. “What did she tell you?”

“She told me that you choked her. She said she didn’t do anything to you. She said you just jumped her for no reason.”

True to form. Truth didn’t usually rest on Sylver’s lips. “You believe it?”

“No. I know you, Graye. You’ve been different, yeah, but you don’t hit people for nothing.”

“Thanks. She only told you her truth, and that isn’t even close to the real truth.”

“She said your parents were looking for you.”

“They can keep looking. I ain’t going back.”

“I have no idea what you’re going through. I can only assume.”

“Yup.”

“Let me say this, nothing is that bad that you have to run away.”

“Like you said, Micah, you don’t know what I’m going through.”

“I don’t.”

Graye’s anger popped up. “No, you don’t, so how are you telling me I shouldn’t have left?”

“Fine. Then I will just tell you what I think.”

She sighed angrily. She didn’t want his wisdom. It was her life, not his. He said he didn’t understand what she was going through, but he acted as if he understood better than she did.

“I didn’t ask you, but okay. Enlighten me.”

“I think you woke up one day realizing you had feelings for girls—Mackenzie actually. It hit you like a ton of bricks, knocking you off your feet. But it is not the end of the world. Your feelings have been inside of you for a long time and now they’ve come to the surface. Deal with them. Don’t let them deal with you.”

She didn’t say anything. They’d promised no one would know, and that included Micah, so saying anything now would be admitting what they’ve unsuccessfully been trying to hide.

“You don’t have to tell me,” he said. “I know the truth. I know, because I was you. I knew I was gay when I was little, but that doesn’t mean I liked it. I don’t always like it now. I get tired of people calling me names. You see my happy face outside, but sometimes behind closed doors my face is full of tears. I love being me, but sometimes I do wish it were different. It would make my life easier if I was like everyone else. But I’m not.”

He breathed a great big sigh, the kind Graye had been letting out a lot lately. “It’s like, some people have diseases—disabilities and stuff—and others don’t. Each one of us is different. We can choose to accept our differences, or not. It hurts sometimes, but I accept my life, Graye. And most of the time, I love it. I just don’t love, or even like, the people who make it hard for me.”

Her heart couldn’t ignore his truthful words, but she could act like she did. “Are they looking for me at school?”

He exhaled loudly, obviously upset that he had poured his heart out to her and she brushed it off. “They were, and then they came here. I told them what I knew, which was nothing.”

“Thanks.”

“Remember this, don’t stop being who you are because other people don’t like it. If you like Mackenzie and she likes you, that’s cool. If not, that’s cool too. It is your life, Graye. High school doesn’t last forever. After next year, these people will be out of our lives. Don’t make it harder than it has to be. Now, tell me where you are.” He chuckled.

She did too. “Um…yeah, but no. Just tell them I’m safe.”

“I’ll see you soon, Graye Moon, and I hope you don’t sound so blue next time.”

She smiled, thanked him, and hung up the phone with a shrug. Life hadn’t been as kind to Micah as she had thought.

She turned to Mackenzie. “Micah said my parents came to his house looking for me,” she said. “Sylver lied about what happened—no surprise there. Then Micah told me to live my life and not worry about people who don’t like me because of it.”

“And how do you feel about that?”

“No better than before.”

“Not one thing he said made you feel better?” Mackenzie asked.

“No.” Graye shrugged her shoulders.

Then Mackenzie’s cell phone rang. “Hello? Yes, this is Mackenzie.” She angled the phone away and mouthed, “It’s your mom,” to Graye.

She moved it back and kept talking. “Right. Yes. I know. Uh-huh. Well, she told me to tell you that she is safe. I know. I’m not sure. I will let her know that. Yes, as soon as I see her. Okay. All right. Bye.” She hung up, and exhaled.

“Tell me what?” Graye was full of skepticism.

“That she’s worried about you.”

Graye raised her hand to Mackenzie—she didn’t want to hear anything else. “I’m going to lie down.”

“Graye, you can’t sleep your life away.”

She could try, couldn’t she?

“No, I can’t. But I can try to sleep today away at least.” She got up from the table, stretched, kissed Mackenzie on the cheek. “I am sorry. I’ll see you in a bit.”

Mackenzie looked amazed. She stayed at the table, shrugged in resignation. “Fine.”

Graye plopped down on the bed, turned her back, curled up, and closed her eyes tightly.

Could she sleep her life away?

Chapter Ten

Mackenzie felt her phone vibrating in her pocket as she stared out the window. She looked at the display. It was Hudson. She eased quietly out of the motel room, closing the door gently behind her.

“Hello?” She walked down to the parking lot to talk to him without disturbing Graye.

“I got a question for you.”

She could hear the anger dripping from his voice. “Yeah.”

“So, you like girls or something now?”

Mackenzie’s heart sank as she dropped down onto the steps. Her knees knocked. How did he know what was going on? She hadn’t told anyone. It was as if they had their own reality show that they weren’t aware of. Everyone seemed to be a few steps ahead of where she and Graye were. Mackenzie felt the frustration growling up from inside of her, ready to burst out, but she did her best to keep it from coming out.

“What are you talking about, Hudson?”

“I see things, you know—I saw things.” He snickered. “You like girls, huh?”

“I don’t know who I like, but right now, I know I don’t like you, Hudson. You made sure we weren’t together anymore, so it doesn’t matter.” She swallowed hard to keep from crying, and then managed to stand up and walk away from near her uncle’s office window.

“Whatever.” He was brushing her off.

She shook her head. “Wow.”

Then Mackenzie heard a beep and clanking sound as if Hudson had put the phone down, but had pushed the wrong button to hang it up. She could hear him talking to someone else and tried getting his attention. “Hudson.”

He didn’t answer. He was shouting at someone.

She tried again, and when he didn’t answer, she decided to listen to what he was saying.

“Dude, you got dumped by a girl. And she was dumping you for a girl.” It was Hudson’s friend Jimmy talking to him.

Then she heard Hudson yell at Jimmy. He sounded really angry. “And if you repeat it, you will regret it. You hear me?”

He broke up with her, so what was all this about? She was very confused by his behavior.

“Okay. Okay.” Jimmy coughed. “Dude. You’re choking me. Let me go.”

Mackenzie called out to Hudson once more, then heard him say, “I don’t care who she dumped me for. She dumped me. That’s what matters to me. And she is going to pay for it. The proof I have will make sure of it.”

Proof? What proof? What was he talking about? What was she supposed to think—or do?

Mackenzie wiped at her tears, but she couldn’t keep up with them as they rolled down her face, wetting her cell phone. She was just getting ready to hang up when she heard Jimmy again.

“How are you going to make her pay?”

Her ears perked up now, and her heart raced, while she waited to find out what Hudson had planned.

“You’ll see soon enough. Everyone will. Her too. Log on to your computer tonight and see for yourself. Let’s just say I have what I need to make her pay for it.”

What?

She finally hung up the phone. She had heard enough. Over and over in her head, his words kept echoing. Hudson’s threats clogged her brain. Graye was back in the room, trying her best to sleep her life away, and Mackenzie didn’t feel like watching her do it. Anxiety of the unknown was running up and down her body and it forced her to go for a walk—away from Graye and the motel.

Mackenzie hugged herself tightly as she walked and the fear was almost causing her body to shake. She had never heard Hudson so angry, and it sounded as if he had something concrete planned. It didn’t seem as if he was just acting for Jimmy’s sake.

Hudson would eventually realize he hadn’t hung up. What then? He might be even angrier with her. He might want even more payback. She shoved her cell in her back pocket and walked onto Overlook Drive then strolled down Galloway Road, finally ending up on a bench at Stanley Deming Park where she let out the groan she had been holding in.

Hudson had told Jimmy that he didn’t care who Mackenzie had dumped him for. That’s what he wanted people to think. Truth? He did. He cared a lot. He was angry that she had shoved him aside. Especially since it seemed to be for her weird friend, Graye. He always thought Graye looked at him funny. She didn’t smile and giggle and fall into his trance like other girls did.

In fact, she practically ignored him when she was with him and Mackenzie.

No one ignored Hudson Clarke.

When he put the video on the computer he didn’t care who knew about Mackenzie liking girls. He still couldn’t believe it himself, but now he understood why he’d never made it past first base with her.

Hudson felt like a rabid dog that would be unable to rest—unless he owned the last say. He picked up his cell phone and realized the time on the last call was longer than he had talked to Mackenzie.

Crap.

He hadn’t hung up. What had she overheard?

It didn’t matter, he supposed. It was too late for him to care.

She’d betrayed him—he cared about that. He cared that he made her pay for it.

Everyone at school was laughing at him behind his back. He was sure of it. Well, he would have the last laugh. Yes, he would. Hudson Clarke was no chump. He was a football star. He was going to be somebody.

Someday Mackenzie would regret what she did. He couldn’t believe she had forced him to break up with her before she dumped him—right before the dance. Sure he could get another date, but it was supposed to be Mackenzie.

When she walked back into school, he wanted her to be knocked off guard. Like he had been. He quickly uploaded the video from his cell phone. The video that would change her life and gain him some sympathy from his people. He was going to make sure that she wouldn’t want to go to the dance at all. After this video got around, she’d be too embarrassed to show her face anywhere.

Hudson didn’t care who he hurt. “I wonder if she heard me talking to Jimmy,” he muttered. He thought back to the conversation he’d had with his friend.

“Screw it. Who cares.”

He couldn’t change it and maybe he didn’t want to. It couldn’t change how he felt. As soon as he’d left Jimmy’s house, he’d watched the video on his cell, again. Now, he had uploaded it. He laughed. He felt vindicated.

Mackenzie and Graye probably wouldn’t see it until someone called them.

Hudson had spent many nights outside in the weeds near Mackenzie’s bedroom window. That’s how he knew she was spending time with Graye—in a new way. Maybe no one else knew they were together, but Hudson Clarke did. He went there every night to gather information on why she was giving him the cold shoulder. He’d only ever seen the two girls talking, but something was different about the way they were talking, something kept leading him back.

When he’d hurried to follow her down to the railroad tracks, sure enough it was Graye she was rushing to. It was getting dark and he was getting fed up watching them talk. He’d decided to leave. It was going to end just like every other night. Boring.

But then, when Hudson had glanced over his shoulder as he was walking away, he got a glimpse of exactly what he had been looking for. Without hesitation he’d turned his phone on and started taking a private video that he intended to make public. Everyone would see it.

Everyone.

No one dumped Hudson Clarke. Not without getting a few bumps and bruises. And after everyone saw this video, it wouldn’t be long before Mackenzie and Graye got theirs.

The website asked him to confirm he owned the video, he pressed yes. When it wanted him to confirm that he wanted it published for the entire world to see, he would have pressed hell yes if they’d had that button. He took a deep breath, exhaled, and pressed publish.

Payback sucked for the person paying, but it made his snide grin widen.

Then, all that remained was for Hudson to send a text to all of his friends telling them to look at the video he just posted. He typed a group message. Done.

Then he lay across his bed looking at the picture he had of him and Mackenzie at Point Pleasant Beach last summer. He sneered at her image. “You and your dumb little girlfriend are going to be headliners tomorrow when we get to school. I can’t wait to see your faces—and tears.”

He ripped the picture in half, tossing her half into the small garbage can, admiring his.

“On to the next girl.” He stretched his arms and cracked his knuckles. “All right, ladies, the untouchable Hudson Clarke is officially available.”

He clicked the button to change his relationship status and laughed. “One at a time, ladies. Form a line to the right.”

He was so full of himself.

Hudson had thought he’d feel better after publishing the video, and he did, for a minute or two. Then, reality set in. He was still angry with Mackenzie, but he sort of felt bad too.

“Nah. No way.” He shook the guilt from his shoulders and hopped in the shower. “Tomorrow is going to be a big day.”

Mackenzie wasn’t there when Graye woke up, and she wondered if she had actually left. Graye hadn’t meant to make her mad. She just needed a break from thinking about things. Sleep helped. It was an escape without even leaving the room, and without retrieving her safety pin or razor blade from the stream.

She stretched, looking around the room for Mackenzie’s things. Her bag was still on the chair. Where could she have gone?

Graye got up and checked around for a note. There wasn’t one. She checked her phone. There wasn’t a text either. She walked out by the table and grabbed a can of soda. It was very quiet. The only sounds were her nervous breathing and the pop, fizz of the soda can.

Although Graye had slept, nothing had really changed. Micah knew she had feelings for Mackenzie and maybe what he said could be right. Today she wasn’t ready to face the world. Her world wasn’t that big, but it wasn’t being nice to her right now either. She just didn’t want to deal with it. Her urge to disappear rose up instead.

She looked out the window. Her eyes feasted on the bluest sky. What was out there for her after all of this? How were things going to work out? Graye didn’t want to ever go back home, she knew that much. A change of address was long overdue. She didn’t deserve to be stuffed in a hospital, out of view of her life. If anything, Sylver did.

While Graye stared out the window lost in thought, she saw Mackenzie briskly walking back toward the room. She looked upset, her feet pounding the ground with each step across the parking lot. Graye felt it vibrate on the steps as Mackenzie came up.

She walked into the room—their hideout. Graye opened the frayed curtains a little wider. Mackenzie’s eyes looked red and puffy from crying.

“What’s going on?”

“Nothing.”

Graye couldn’t breathe. There was no air in the room. She raised the window a bit and then turned back toward Mackenzie. “Where’d you go?”

She didn’t answer, just wiped her tears, then plopped down on the unmade bed.

“Are you okay?” Graye shifted, and then sat down next to Mackenzie on the bed. “What is it, Mackenzie?”

She sighed deeply as the tears rolled down her face, washing her old tear stains away and creating new ones. “Hudson called while you were sleeping. I went outside to talk to him.”

Graye’s eyes begged the question.

Mackenzie’s mouth answered. “I didn’t want to wake you, that’s all.”

“All right. What happened?” Mackenzie was making Graye nervous again.

“He said I broke up with him because I liked girls. Then,” Mackenzie sniffled, “he forgot to hang up the phone. I heard him tell Jimmy he had just the thing to get me back—to make me pay.”

“What? I don’t get it.” She rested her hand on Mackenzie’s knee.

“So, I went for a walk to think things through. Then, I talked to Kayla. She called and told me that Hudson just uploaded a video.”

Graye wanted to scream, but decided to wait until she heard the rest of the story.

“Okay, a video of what?” She looked at Mackenzie, who looked horrified, chewing on her lip.

“Of us. Kayla called because she didn’t want me to come to school tomorrow…and be surprised.”

Graye was at a loss for words and was burning up inside. If Hudson was in front of her, he’d be chewing on her fist right now.

Mackenzie continued. “Now she and Kristen aren’t sure if they want to be my friend. They don’t want people to think they like girls too.”

So many words danced in Graye’s head, but all of them refused to part her pursed lips. She was stunned. Hell was hitting them from every direction. How were they going to handle all of this?

“They said all our classmates have seen it by now and people are laughing at us.”

“There isn’t an us!” Graye was beyond angry. They hadn’t even become girlfriends yet. In theory maybe they acted like it, but literally, they weren’t.

“Oh, now there is. I mean there kind of is anyway.”

Graye had to know. “What’s on the video?” They hadn’t done anything exciting enough to go viral for all to see.

Mackenzie wiped her nose with the tissue Graye passed to her. She caught her breath, then continued to talk. “He was there—when we kissed.”

Graye’s heart sank below her feet then jumped back up toward her throat. She could see in her head each time that they had kissed. All of them were at Mackenzie’s house—except for one.

“Where? When?” She probably already knew.

“Well, let me just say, we weren’t alone at the railroad tracks yesterday. He videotaped us and sent it to all of his friends. And some of mine.” Mackenzie started crying harder than Graye had ever seen her cry before.

Graye mentally added an empty checkbox next to Hudson’s name on the list of people she hated. In fact, he had jumped to the top of the list, even above her sisters.

She groaned. “Unbelievable.”

Then Graye jumped up and began pacing around the room. She was furious. Beyond. “I need to go and handle Hudson. Mr. Quarterback is officially at the top of my list.”

“Please, don’t do anything.” Mackenzie grabbed her arm, pulling her back down on the bed. “Please, Graye, I need you.”

Graye briefly imagined slinging Hudson around the locker room and then catapulting him down the football field. She sighed and promised Mackenzie she would stay with her, then opened her arms and Mackenzie fell into them.

Mackenzie’s body moved up and down in time with her sobs. “I can’t go back to school, Graye, I just can’t.”

Graye didn’t want to go back either. She would much rather try to pull off a complete disappearing act. She wasn’t sure where she’d end up, or if Mackenzie was coming with her, she just knew it had to be.

Graye hugged Mackenzie, then looked directly into her eyes. “Can you get some more cash?”

“Maybe, why?”

“I don’t have any.” Graye frowned. She hated asking this.

“It’s at my house.”

“Give me a second. I might have an idea.”

Mackenzie curled up and her cries shook the bed as she heaved up and down. Graye made a phone call. She needed help.

“Micah? I need a favor.” She walked near the window to hear over Mackenzie’s crying. Please say yes. Please say yes.

“All right, Graye, I’m listening.”

“I need you to meet me tonight, near Carl’s Bar.”

“Why? Old straight people go there.” He laughed. “My dad might be there.”

“I need to borrow a car and I know my father’s will be there. Tonight is poker night.”

“Are you serious?”

“All day.” She tapped her fingertips on the windowsill, unable to shut out Mackenzie’s painful sobs.

“And you need me why?”

“Because you have a license.”

He hesitated for a few seconds. “Hell yeah. What time?”

“Nine o’clock is good.” They would be deep into the game.

“See you then.”

She set the alarm on her cell. Then Graye lay down on the bed, turned over, and held Mackenzie tight in her arms. She felt like a fugitive. It made no sense, but that’s how she felt. And they hadn’t done anything wrong.

“Mackenzie?”

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault. This is all Hudson.”

“We kissed outside. I kissed you.”

“Graye, even if we were having sex, he has no right to record us and share it.”

“Maybe.”

Mackenzie rolled back and sat up on her elbows. “And you know what else?”

“What?”

“Hudson was stalking us. You just don’t walk down by the tracks. He was following me. He wanted to ruin my life. And now he has.” She cried hard again.

Graye just wanted things to go back to the day before Mackenzie woke up her mind and body. It couldn’t happen, but it didn’t mean she couldn’t wish for it.

“Did you ever tell your parents about his other threats?”

“No. I forgot. I really didn’t think he would do anything. And now it’s too late to try to fix this. It’s a done deal.”

“Come here Mackenzie.” Graye pulled Mackenzie closer, held her face, and kissed her, tasting the salt from her tears. Their hearts felt as if they beat as one—she could almost feel it through her shirt. Graye thought about changing her plans with Micah, but she couldn’t.

She and Mackenzie needed a few more days alone, and this was all she could think of doing. Mackenzie turned into her, snuggled in, and fell asleep almost immediately. Graye kissed the back of her neck, inhaled Mackenzie’s sweetness, and closed her eyes too.

Next thing she knew her alarm was going off. She had drifted off to sleep. She stretched, woke up Mackenzie, and they grabbed their things, leaving the broken down motel.

They hopped into a cab so they’d get to the bar faster, and Graye got out on West Street while Mackenzie stayed behind in the cab. They’d agreed Graye and Micah would pick Mackenzie up after. Graye looked back at Mackenzie, not wanting to leave her behind.

“I’ll see you soon,” Mackenzie said through the open taxi door.

“I’ll move as fast I can.”

“All right. Be safe.”

“I will.” Graye shut the door and watched the car disappear toward Mackenzie’s house. She walked around the corner to Carl’s Bar. With only about six weeks left of school, Graye didn’t care about missing any more classes. She had already taken her tests and was passing everything.

Mackenzie was a superstar student, so she had less to worry about than Graye did. School was on the back burner for them now. Hudson had made sure of that.

Graye ducked down behind the wall near the bar. She didn’t want her dad to walk outside and see her, or anyone else looking out of the window to catch a glimpse of her. She peered over the wall every few seconds looking for Micah.

He showed up right on time. He walked over to where she was and gave her a tight hug. “I’m sorry you’re going through all of this.”

“Me too.”

“Are you sure you want to do this?”

“Positive.”

“If we get caught we’ll be in trouble. Parents or not, this is illegal.”

She shrugged. None of that mattered to her as much as protecting Mackenzie did. She’d deal with consequences later. Mackenzie needed a short reprieve, and whenever Graye had needed her, she was there in a heartbeat—Graye had to return the favor.

“Are you ready?”

He looked at her, then around the parking lot. “Let’s go.”

They walked down by her parents’ car, crouching along the way. Then they swiftly unlocked the doors and hopped in the Volvo as if they had permission. She still had a key from when she was learning how to drive. She’d forgotten she had it on her keychain until today.

Once they had buckled themselves in, Micah’s friends appeared as if out of nowhere and got behind the car. They didn’t want to start it and draw more attention, so they put the car in neutral. Then after he signaled them, Micah’s friends pushed them quietly down the street. Graye chewed her fingernails as her anxiety level increased with the speed of the car.

They got far enough down the block and turned it on. When they got out of the area, Graye and Micah high-fived as if they had actually just done something great. They’d stolen her parents’ car. That didn’t exactly qualify as great.

“They’ll be really convinced that I’m innocent now, huh?”

They laughed and then Micah cleared his throat. “I saw the video.”

“Is it bad?”

Micah kept his eyes on the dark road. “It wasn’t that big a deal to me.”

Graye still couldn’t believe Hudson would stoop so low. Her fists were balled up in her lap.

“It starts off with a montage of him and Mackenzie happily walking hand in hand. A kiss and then he edited it so that it shows them arguing and breaking up. The last part is the video of you two, at the tracks hugging and kissing, with—uh, sound effects.”

“Sounds like a bad movie.”

He laughed. “It looks like one. It’s a real chop job. He cut and pasted a lot. Old videos and pictures from holidays and summer vacation and stuff. He added cheesy moaning.”

Graye groaned and threw her head back on the seat.

“I guess you don’t have to tell me about you and Mackenzie.”

“This isn’t easy for me, Micah.”

“I know, Graye. It isn’t easy for anyone.”

“And it’s just feelings. We aren’t girlfriends. We’re just friends.” There. She admitted it to him.

“It doesn’t have to be the end of the world because you like each other.”

“Nope. But it’s the people in this town that make it that way. Not me.” She’d shouted louder than she’d intended.

“Why are you yelling at me?” Micah asked.

“I’m not. Well, I mean, I am yelling, but not at you. More like in front of you. Sorry. I’m just so pissed—I could really hurt someone. Someone named Hudson Clarke.”

“I know how these people are, Graye. You know how many times I’ve been called faggot? I don’t even get changed in the locker room for gym. Am I the only gay one in there? Nope. But I am the only one that people know about. Life is hard. Then you die. It’s what you do in between that matters.” He nodded his head as if agreeing with his own wisdom.

“My worlds collided when these feelings came into play.”

“That doesn’t mean your life has to end.”

Graye glanced down at her balled fists, breathed deep, and fought back angry tears. “There’s Mackenzie, waiting outside.”

Mackenzie ran over to the car and hopped into the back seat. “Hi guys. Um…where are we going?”

“Well, we are going to go to McCabe’s Bar, then Micah’s going to drive us to his friend’s house. He is taking the car back afterwards.” In order to miss school they had to leave home. Mackenzie’s uncle’s motel was too close to home.

“Why are we going to McCabe’s Bar?”

“Because we can.”

Mackenzie turned to Micah. “I know you saw the video, Micah. How bad is it?”

He glanced at her in the rearview mirror. “He edited it to make it look like you did him dirty. Then he showed you two kissing at the tracks, with moaning and groaning—it wasn’t too bad. It definitely could’ve been worse. I personally don’t think you need to skip school. Missing school doesn’t delete the video.”

Mackenzie laid her head on the back of the seat. “No, it might not delete it, but it’ll make me feel better.” Her phone vibrated and she looked down to find a text from Hudson. Her eyes bulged. She handed Graye the phone as the tears streamed down her face again.

Graye read it. “Now we are even. Dyke.” Graye was almost speechless. She handed the phone back to Mackenzie. “I hate him.”

Mackenzie shrugged and wiped at her tears.

They rode the rest of the way to the club in silence as Graye thought of different ways to whip Hudson’s ass. She felt like a raging bull and Hudson was her target. In her head, like a bull backed into a corner, she dug her feet into the ground, ready to charge. There had to be a way out.

Chapter Eleven

It didn’t take long to get to McCabe’s Bar. It wasn’t as crowded because it was a weeknight, but Mackenzie was still able to see what Graye saw the first time she came—hidden paradise. This looked like one of the few places in the world where she could hold hands with Graye and not have people look at her funny. She didn’t know if she was brave enough to do that, but when Graye came up behind and gave her a hug, she thought that she just might be.

Graye and Mackenzie spent time getting lost in their surroundings. They tried to take everything in as they watched people dance, hug, kiss, talk, and most importantly, laugh. Could they too?

Mackenzie, Graye and Micah danced together, with Micah’s friend Dylan jumping in a few times.

“What do you think?” Graye whispered into Mackenzie’s ear.

“I’m not sure what to think. I do see how comfortable and relaxed everyone is. I am not sure if I could be, but I hope so.”

They smiled and kept dancing, not focusing on the hurtful things others had done to them. They danced closely, swaying their hips as the loud beat captured their innocence, creating a moment that neither one wanted to forget. For now, they just wanted to have fun.

After leaving McCabe’s Bar, Micah dropped Mackenzie and Graye off at his boyfriend Charles’ house. He didn’t want to make the drive alone so Dylan rode home with him. He sped off toward the highway, driving the stolen car back to Carl’s Bar.

Once back in Warwick, he swooped back into his exact parking spot, without anyone even noticing. He thanked God nobody had parked in it while they were gone. When he jumped out, he couldn’t help but pat himself on the back. He beamed with pride. The plan was a success. No one even knew the car had been gone.

“I wish I could go in and play poker,” Dylan said.

“You can,” Micah told him. “I ain’t going. I’m tired.” Micah yawned, exhausted from the events of the night.

“I’m tired too. I’m going with you.”

“Ah, that was easy,” Micah said to Dylan.

“Remind me to never leave my car keys around you.”

Micah laughed. “You don’t even have a car.”

“If I did, I still wouldn’t.”

“You better not. I didn’t know I was so good at stealing, until tonight.”

Just as they got to the edge of the parking lot, and the edge of freedom, police lights flashed in their direction. Micah turned around knowing he was in trouble. He stood with his hand covering his face, trying to peer through his fingers, when he realized that not only Officer Mitchell, but also his father and Graye’s dad had been waiting for his return. He couldn’t lie when they already knew the truth.

“Micah,” his father growled, as if it came all the way from the bottom of his feet.

Micah put his hands in the air and didn’t move from where he stood. Dylan was like the wind blowing off in the distance, fleeing the scene. Nice friend. His five minutes of glory washed off his face as he realized he was standing knee deep in trouble—alone. Micah never even saw Dylan leave.

His welcoming party all walked over to him, each one angrier than the next.

“Why did you take my car?” Graye’s dad asked. He looked stunned.

“Mr. Moon, sir, I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to.” Micah’s voice was shaking and his knees were knocking as he explained. It took all he had just to stand still.

“What do you mean, you didn’t mean to?” Micah’s father bellowed.

Micah rolled his eyes, ready to yell back, but since he didn’t want to make things worse, he swallowed his words instead.

“You stole a car. That’s not an accident.”

Micah couldn’t find the words. He glanced over at Officer Mitchell, standing poised with his cuffs, ready to accessorize Micah’s wrists.

He had just started stuttering his answer when Graye’s father jumped in. “My daughter did this. I know she did.”

“Do you want to press charges?” Officer Mitchell asked Graye’s father, while nodding his head toward Micah.

“No.” Mr. Moon turned to Micah. “Where is my daughter?”

Micah didn’t answer. He’d promised he wouldn’t tell. He shifted from side to side and looked down at the ground as if the pavement held the answer. He took a deep breath, hoping he didn’t pass out.

“Are you sure?” Officer Mitchell pressed. “He stole your car.” He whipped his cuffs out again, dangling them in front of Micah.

Thankfully Graye’s father replied in Micah’s favor. “No. He’s my daughter’s best friend. She put him up to it.”

“Are you sure?” Officer Mitchell wasn’t giving up.

Micah hoped silently that Mr. Moon wouldn’t fold. Volunteering looked good on his college applications, but jail—not so much. Besides, someone like him wouldn’t make it five minutes behind bars.

“Yes. I’m sure.”

Micah didn’t take another breath until Officer Mitchell, and his handcuffs, had walked away. He was shaking his head, clearly disappointed. In fact, the entire way to his patrol car, Officer Mitchell kept looking over his shoulder as if hoping Graye’s father would change his mind.

Micah stood completely still waiting for the next moment. His father’s eyes bulged, confirming he was getting ready to erupt.

“Thank you so much, Mr. Moon. I really am sorry about the car.” Micah ducked from his father’s grasp.

“I don’t care about my car. Where is Graye?” Mr. Moon demanded, raising his voice slightly.

Micah had to explain that he couldn’t tell him where Graye was. “Sir—”

He didn’t get a chance, before his own father interrupted. “Boy, if you don’t tell him the truth, I’m going to—” His father lifted his hand, but Micah offered him a death stare.

Graye’s father stepped in. “Stop all of this. I just want my daughter. You can deal with him later,” he said to Micah’s dad.

His father’s shoulders slumped, leaving him deflated, with his hands now back at his side.

“She’s safe. I really am sorry, I just can’t tell you, sir. I promised.” Micah spun and sprinted away. His father was unexpectedly on his heels, so he took off running toward home. Right now Micah was more focused on out running his mean, drunken father. He kicked up dirt as he ran toward home, losing sight of his father almost immediately.

Once in his room, and after catching his breath, Micah called Graye to fill her in on his little brush with the law.

She apologized and he laughed. He was not as afraid, now that it was over, but promised her he’d never do it again. Jail was not on his list of things he had to do in life.

Micah stopped back to check on them a few days later. Mackenzie and Graye had talked about the things they had gone through recently and the need to return to school. They didn’t want to go back, but despite the waves of nausea they both felt when they talked about it, they knew they had no choice.

The fantasy of them living on their own without any education was like the idea of driving a car without ever putting gas in it. It wouldn’t work. Their lives wouldn’t run smoothly, or at all. It became nothing more than a wishful conversation, when they knew reality lived a little closer.

School was important for their future. And like Micah had said repeatedly, the kids at school weren’t.

“I so wish I was graduating this year,” Graye said.

“Me too.”

“None of this would even matter.”

“I know. I hate it.” Mackenzie raised her arms in the air, making her point.

“I can’t believe Micah said we are the main topic at school. Even the teachers are talking about us.”

“Not a good thing.”

The thought frustrated Graye. “I can’t believe that no one is sticking up for us.”

“Or, getting Hudson in trouble for what he did.”

“Yeah, they just keep showing the video.” Graye rolled her eyes for emphasis.

“Does anybody care about us? Do they care how we feel?”

Graye shook her head, annoyed. “I don’t know.”

“I know it doesn’t feel like it.”

Mackenzie was right. Graye felt like they were in this alone too. There wasn’t anywhere for them to get help. Their parents wouldn’t understand.

“Maybe you can stay at my house,” Mackenzie suggested. “I can ask.”

“Do you really think your mom will let me stay in the extra bedroom?” Graye hoped she would.

“It’s empty. I don’t know why she wouldn’t.”

“Maybe because I ain’t her kid.” Graye forced a smile.

“No, but you’re her kid’s best friend and her best friend’s kid. So, that’s like her own.”

Graye shrugged her shoulders. She didn’t want to go home to a house where she didn’t feel wanted. “The kids will really talk then, if I stay with you.”

“I know. I just can’t bear to see you go to the hospital. I can’t.”

“Thanks. You’re my best friend forever.” Graye squeezed Mackenzie’s hand tightly. She was still worried about being hospitalized too. She rested her head on Mackenzie’s shoulder. Was this really more than friendship? Probably.

They had been at Charles’ for just a few days when reality screamed in their faces. They knew, despite every wish or promise they made to God, they’d have to leave this stranger’s house. Life, whether they liked it or not, had to go on. Hope against hope couldn’t change that.

They sat quietly lost in their own thoughts for a moment, until Mackenzie spoke. “All my mom can do is say no. It can’t hurt to ask.”

Graye turned up her nose. “No, but it can hurt me to go home.” She needed a chance to breathe without Sylver and Blu trying to smother her. Graye looked down at her fingers, picking at her nails. She couldn’t stomach the idea of living with her sisters. It made her insides twist painfully. She didn’t think they’d change and her anger was still exactly where it was when she’d left. She’d calmed down, but she could recall her anger quicker than a math equation.

Micah and Charles were in the kitchen cooking dinner. Mackenzie and Graye were hanging out in the bedroom trying to figure their lives out. It wasn’t working. Their thoughts danced with wishes, but nothing came any clearer. They were lost in a fog with zero visibility, and there seemed to be no end in sight. Graye felt like she was standing at the bottom of a wall trying to figure out how to get over it. She sighed.

“Dinner,” Micah called, knocking on the closed door.

They quickly went into the kitchen and sat down for dinner. The aroma of the baked pasta filled the air and warmed Graye’s stomach before she even took her first bite.

“I forgot to tell you,” Micah said. “Sylver got into a fight at school today.”

“She did? What happened?”

“She was sticking up for you.” He beamed as if this was some sign of great things to come.

Graye had seen this behavior from Sylver before. It wasn’t what others thought. Sylver was still Sylver no matter how many battles she fought for Graye. It was the private battles that had brought her here.

“Aw, that’s nice.” Mackenzie was fooled by this gesture of kindness. Graye wasn’t.

“No, that’s just Sylver. She wants to be the one tormenting me.” She placed her fork down on her napkin. She wasn’t remotely impressed. She could fight her battles in the street, but Sylver shouldn’t have been making Graye do that at home too.

“Okay. I tried. Let’s eat.” Micah looked annoyed and turned his head toward the food.

Graye was done with the conversation. She knew the real Sylver. They didn’t have a clue. She took a sip of soda as she tried to calm down.

Then he said, “You know, Graye, I wish you could see even the smallest ounce of goodness in things.”

“I did. Now I am here.” The room became stifling with the truth filling the air.

Just as Micah passed the bowl of salad to Mackenzie, there was a loud knock on the door. Graye had a bad feeling before Micah even hopped up to answer it. The strength of the knock expressed seriousness. There weren’t any girl scouts on the other side of that door.

She knew before the door swung opened that it was the cops. As sure as her name was Graye Moon, she knew the New York State Troopers would be escorting them back home tonight. Only she and Mackenzie weren’t looking for personal escorts. But why would her needs suddenly matter in this world?

Micah answered the door with fear in his eyes, looking at the officers. “Hi.” He quickly glanced over at Graye and Mackenzie.

“This your place?”

Micah stepped out of the doorway.

“No, it’s mine.”

Their eyes circled the room and focused on Charles. Sweat took up residence on his forehead as they gawked at him. He was nervous and it showed. He stood up to talk to the troopers. “How can I help you, Officers?”

“We’re looking for Graye Moon and Mackenzie Brandeis. We got a report they were staying here. They ran away from home.” His deep voice almost shook the room.

Micah looked toward them, encouraging them with his eyes.

The troopers stood stone-faced as if searching Graye and Mackenzie’s expressions for answers. One of them broke the silence. “Do you have any ID?”

“No,” they both replied.

Graye thought the frightened looks on their faces probably confirmed who they were.

He didn’t ask for further confirmation.

Graye felt nauseous and her head started spinning. She glanced over at Mackenzie, who looked pale.

Regrettably, they told the truth, acknowledging their identity. Running away didn’t turn out the way they’d planned. Their parents had reported them missing. The end of the road was here. Graye’s stomach growled angrily, realizing it wasn’t getting any more food.

Charles didn’t look too happy when he was handcuffed for having runaway minors in his house.

“Sorry, Charles,” Graye said.

He growled, appearing uncomfortable as he fidgeted in the handcuffs.

A larger policeman, with the biggest hands Graye had ever seen, followed them to the bedroom. His entire body filled up the doorframe. He was huge. If they had even thought of running, his size changed that immediately. They packed quietly and were encouraged by his darting eyes to move quickly. They tossed whatever they could find back into their bags. Mackenzie was going home to a visibly loving home, and Graye was heading back to a home that felt like a prison. It was a place where she had to fight to survive in peace.

“Since you’re not under arrest, I won’t handcuff you. If you give me problems, I will.”

They glanced at each other. Graye wondered who would be crazy enough to give him trouble. He towered over their sad little existence.

“Okay,” she whispered.

Mackenzie glanced at her. They spoke without words. Her squinted eyes asked what the hell?

Graye offered a smile. They had been friends so long, they understood each other the way no one else did, even without words.

“Officer, he gave us a place to stay but he didn’t force us to stay here,” Graye tried, for the sake of Charles.

“Um, yeah, we came here on our own,” Mackenzie added.

“Well, he is going for a ride. You’re underage.” Without a word the smaller officer escorted a disgruntled Charles outside.

Micah stayed behind because he was eighteen years old. Besides, he would have to go bail Charles out of jail. He frowned, then glared at them. “Feelings came into play, and now so many lives have been changed. Deal with it. Just freaking deal with your feelings. Please!”

Graye didn’t say a word. He was right. Her eyes apologized to Micah even though her mouth couldn’t. She looked at the beastly officer. “We’re ready.”

The trooper then followed them through the kitchen. He opened the front door, and without another word, they were placed into the back of his dark blue police car.

“You’re a hell of a fugitive,” Graye whispered jokingly.

“I’ve learned all I know from you.” Mackenzie smiled, although sadness loomed over them.

“Well then, you don’t know much.”

Too afraid to laugh aloud, they giggled quietly. Graye’s mom always said that laughter usually comes right before tears, and her heart was already crying, although, her tears hadn’t surfaced.

Graye grabbed Mackenzie’s hand. She whispered, “These feelings need to be dealt with. They are getting stronger, not going away.”

Mackenzie’s eyes almost popped out of her head and a smile covered her face. “Does that mean you’ll finally be my girlfriend?”

Graye squeezed her hand tighter. “Maybe.”

Chapter Twelve

The drive home in the back of the police car was nerve wracking. He didn’t talk to them that much. He gave them “Officer Reynolds’ words of wisdom”—all without them even asking for a dose.

He growled, peering at them in the rearview mirror. “I hope I don’t have to come looking for you again. You’re both old enough to deal with whatever it is you’re going through without running away. I have criminals to catch and a world to protect you from. I can’t do that if I am out chasing runaways. A lot can happen to you out here on these streets. Remember you have a safe home. Some kids don’t have a place to live, and they don’t have parents that care. You do. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for your parents.”

Graye and Mackenzie exchanged a glance.

“Take heed to what I say.” He shook his head from side to side, pointing his index finger in the air, putting an exclamation at the end. “Take heed.”

Mackenzie and Graye listened to his lecture. They were locked in the backseat of his patrol car—they had no choice. It wasn’t as if they could escape. He was driving them home, but while he preached, Graye felt like she had been taken hostage. They nodded when they were supposed to nod and took in some of what he was saying.

“When you’re eighteen, no one will send us looking for you then. Why? You’ll be considered an adult and you’re going to be expected to act like one. Write this down as a lesson. Don’t do it again. If I see you after your birthdays, know that I won’t be taking you home. I promise you that.”

He glared at them in his rearview mirror. His eyes hardened after each word. He meant what he said and they believed him. Then he said, “If you listen to anything, hear this—life is what you make it, young ladies. You can’t run from your problems.”

That was true. They had only been gone for a week or so, but they were going home to the same problems they’d left. It didn’t change what Hudson did. It wouldn’t erase the scars from Sylver’s neck. Everything they had carried out when they left, they’d be carrying back in when they got home today.

Graye was angry, confused, and hurt. By the look on Mackenzie’s face, she was too. Running was stupid but it was what they’d needed. They’d needed to feel free, since they had been feeling trapped. She wanted to hold onto those feelings for a little longer.

She wasn’t sure if it was Officer Reynolds’ goal to scare them. She just knew that he had. They rode along in silence. He had finally stopped talking, but he glared into the mirror a couple of times.

Graye’s heart skipped a beat when they pulled up in front of her house first. She didn’t want to get out of the car and go inside.

Mackenzie rubbed her hand. “It will be okay. I will call you later, after I talk to my parents.”

Graye nodded her head. She wanted to be walking into Mackenzie’s quiet, peaceful house, but she couldn’t. Not without facing her own parents first. She felt like she was taking her last walk down death row, and she couldn’t do anything about it. She exhaled as she looked toward the porch.

Officer Reynolds got out of the car, placed his hat on, then came around slowly and opened the door. Her parents were standing on the porch when they arrived. He looked at her and said, “Take heed to what I said.”

She nodded her head. “Thank you.” She glanced back at Mackenzie who was waving goodbye, wearing half a smile.

Graye turned and hoped with all of her might that her parents wouldn’t be too mad at her. This couldn’t be the last time she saw Mackenzie. She wouldn’t make it. She was barely making it with her right there. She walked slowly onto the porch.

Her mother grabbed her, pulling her into her arms. “I love you.”

Her father thanked Officer Reynolds for bringing Graye home, and then he came up from behind, hugging them both.

Graye heard Officer Reynolds turn his car on, and her heart cried as he drove her source of hope away. In the corner of her eye she saw both Sylver and Blu peeking out of the window. She sighed, knowing she had to walk back into the house to face them.

They walked into the house and sat down in the living room. Her father looked at her sisters. “You two, go. I mean go upstairs. I don’t mean stand outside of this room listening. Do you hear me?”

Her sisters nodded and left.

Graye saw marks on Sylver’s neck when she turned to leave. She felt bad, but reminded herself that it wasn’t her fault. Graye’s eyes met the living room floor.

Her mother started. “Let me say, your father and I love you.”

Graye nodded.

“We don’t understand what’s going on. We don’t know why you stole the car. We can’t help you unless you talk to us.”

“We are your parents,” her dad added.

She wouldn’t tell them the specifics. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to do it—she couldn’t. She didn’t know how to tell them. It wasn’t like she was saying, “Hey Mom and Dad, I like this boy named Michael.” She didn’t know how to tell her parents that her body had managed to awaken at seventeen years old, or that her best friend in the whole world was the reason it came out of hibernation. She didn’t know what to say at all. So she said nothing.

Graye’s left leg started shaking. She was so uncomfortable.

Her mother reached out and touched her knee. “Don’t be nervous honey. We are your family. We really want to help you. We can’t unless you let us in.”

Graye nodded. She was searching for words. They were running through her head and away from her mouth at the same time. She stared at her parents as they looked back at her, waiting. She could see that they wanted to help, but she was too afraid to let them.

Her mother looked at her. Graye thought it appeared as if she’d been crying. “Sylver told us that you jumped her for no reason. I know that you think we believe everything they say. You’ve told us that before. But I am having a hard time believing that you hurt your sister for no reason.”

Wow. She couldn’t believe it. They had never believed her. Before now they had never even stopped to listen to her. Either these weren’t her parents or maybe she was dreaming. Graye cupped her hands and blew her stress into them.

“What happened that day?”

Graye took a deep breath and found the words that she wanted to say. “Well, I came home from school. I had been dealing with Sylver and Blu picking on me for weeks. I was frustrated and tired of it. They kept messing up my room, and trying to get me to fight them. They were accusing me of—being different. They were calling me names.”

“What names, Graye?”

“Really bad names. They aren’t true, and they weren’t fair.” She couldn’t bring herself to say that they were calling her gay, dyke, and other hurtful things. “They just wouldn’t leave me alone. Then Sylver put some stupid pictures on my bed.”

Graye’s eyes looked down at her hand picking at the dry skin there. The same hands she’d choked her sister with, now she couldn’t keep still. They were shaking out of control.

“What pictures?”

She paused. Graye couldn’t tell them that the pictures were of women kissing women. This wasn’t going as she had planned. She didn’t want to talk about the real reasons she left.

“Breathe, Graye.” Her mother voiced the words at the same time she silently cautioned herself.

“I can’t. Sylver needs to tell you.” She was scared and embarrassed. How do you tell your parents the pictures were of naked women kissing and stuff? You didn’t. That’s what she decided as her parents glanced at each other.

“Sylver!” Her mother’s angry voice yelled all the way from the bottom of her feet up the stairs to her sister’s ears.

“Yes,” she heard in the distance, but not far enough away for them to not be eavesdropping.

“Get down here—and Blu, stay put.”

Graye didn’t want to talk about this in front of Sylver. She wasn’t ready to deal with it at all. She didn’t want to see her parents’ stares and horrified looks.

“Yes?” Sylver came into the room trying to sound and look innocent.

Her mother pointed to the chair. “Sit down.”

Sylver glanced at Graye and then sat down slowly. She looked a little nervous. She chewed on her fingertips.

“What pictures did you put on your sister’s bed?”

“Um…” She looked to Graye for help.

Graye turned her eyes away. She couldn’t believe that her sister actually thought she was going to help her. Sylver was on her own with this one. Graye was already in too much trouble. She wasn’t bailing Sylver out—no one was trying to help her, why should she?

“We’re waiting, Sylver.” Her parents both stared at Sylver.

Sylver was shifting around in her seat. Her body screamed to them that she was scared and nervous. She couldn’t seem to keep still any more than Graye could. If they weren’t in front of her parents trying to explain why Graye left, it might actually be funny.

Sylver’s eyes met the floor. After a few seconds she spoke. “Um…well, I found some pictures of women kissing women. They were naked. I put them on Graye’s bed.” She glanced up, and then looked back down at her feet.

“And why did you do that?” Her mother was angry and it vibrated in her words.

“I thought it was funny.” Sylver smiled nervously. She was the only one in the room smiling.

“If she did it to you, would you think it was funny?”

Sylver shook her head.

Finally speaking up, their father leaned in. “I can’t hear you.”

Graye had never seen them so angry. Her father’s eyes were bulging out of his head.

“No, I wouldn’t.” Sylver spoke louder this time.

“And stop that damn smiling.”

Sylver’s smile faded away immediately.

“So, why did you think Graye would think it was funny?”

“I knew she wouldn’t see it as funny.”

“Oh, so you did do it to get her upset?”

Graye wanted to be invisible.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.”

“Sylver, you’re not a child. Don’t give me, I don’t know. You do know. You’re graduating this year. You are getting ready to go out into a cruel world, and we aren’t going to be able to bail you out, if you choose to treat people like you’ve treated your sister.”

Sylver started to cry.

Graye tried hard not to roll her eyes at her sister’s epic performance—but her alligator tears were nauseating.

“The world won’t be kind to you, especially if you choose to be mean to others. What you did was make your sister feel unloved, and like she wasn’t wanted here. You are all our children. We love you just the same but we won’t tolerate any of you treating each other this way. We expect you, as the oldest girl, to be a role model. Do you think you are one? I don’t. I am disappointed in your behavior. I know you’re better than this. Your sister didn’t deserve what you did.”

Her dad sat up in his chair. “This is unreal.” He looked like he was getting angrier. His eyebrows furrowed.

“But she likes girls!”

When the words crossed Sylver’s lips and floated in the air, Graye would have sworn that her heart had stopped beating—that she’d died right there on the couch. Maybe just wishful thinking.

Sylver’s tears dried up quickly, as she started selling her sister out. Without warning, Sylver tossed Graye under the transit bus quicker than she could blink her eyes.

Graye buried her head in her hands.

“What?” Her mother was on the edge of her chair, and her father’s eyes turned toward the window.

“She likes girls.”

Graye felt like she was floating in the air looking down on them, not sitting next to them. Was Sylver really doing this to her?

“Did she tell you that?”

“No but—”

“But nothing,” her mother shouted. “If she didn’t tell you that, then you’re assuming it. And if she does, we will deal with that. You won’t bully your sister in my house. Do you hear me?”

Graye pressed her hand softly on her chest, trying to breathe, but she just couldn’t revive herself.

“Yes, but there’s a video. I can prove it.”

If screaming could have fixed it, Graye would have screamed louder than she ever had before. She was ready to climb inside of Sylver’s throat and tug on her vocal chords, tying them in tight knots. She took a few quick desperate gasps. She was trapped.

Chapter Thirteen

“Mom, I know you’re upset,” Mackenzie said.

“I am not upset with you. I just don’t understand what’s going on.”

Mackenzie looked at her mother and frowned. The idea of having this conversation with her parents made her want to vomit. She never wanted to hurt them, but knew this would. She could hardly breathe and thought she could feel her insides coming out. She swallowed hard, so she wouldn’t throw up.

“I went to the school to speak to your counselor.”

Mackenzie was shocked and sure that it showed all over her face. Her parents had to know about Hudson’s video now. Maybe they knew everything.

“I wanted to find out what was going on. I know Graye is going through stuff, but that isn’t your fight.”

“She’s my best friend. Her fight belongs to me too.” She said the words with conviction, unspoken love—and fear.

Her mother rolled her eyes at her. She didn’t understand what Mackenzie had meant. She didn’t know what kind of friendship she and Graye shared. Maybe she was in the dark about what had come to light. Ms. Barker may have told her mother what happened at school, but her mom didn’t know what they had been through, that Mackenzie was starting to love Graye.

“Whatever she has going on over at her house, belongs to them. What is going on with you belongs in this house, with us. You might think it’s the two of you against the world, but you have no idea. I am your mother, and I’m here to tell you that you aren’t fighting anyone else’s fight.”

Mackenzie folded her arms tightly, poking out her lips in frustration.

Why do parents think they know everything?

She started to answer her mother, to tell her exactly how she felt, but decided against it once she saw the evil look in her eye. She still hadn’t asked her if Graye could stay with them. She had to somehow try to get the conversation going in a different direction. She had to be calm before she could ask. Her mom needed to be, too. Mackenzie exhaled.

“Look, I love you. I knew you were going to stay with Graye for a few days, somewhere. Then all of a sudden you didn’t go to school, and you just disappeared. I didn’t agree to any disappearing act. I don’t want to ever have to call the cops, your dad’s colleagues, for them to bring my child home again. You’re my responsibility until you’re eighteen. After that, do what you want.”

Mackenzie nodded her head. She didn’t want to risk upsetting her mother more than she already had.

Her mother continued. “We work hard every day for you, your brother, and sister. We want you to have more than we had. Your job is to get an education. I don’t care how popular you are. I don’t care how many friends you have. I do care about you being bullied. Your only job is to graduate, and then go to work or college. Your job isn’t to fight battles that initiate in other households. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

Her mother’s eyes looked through her. She was pissed.

Mackenzie nodded her head. “Yes, I am sorry.” She wasn’t apologizing for leaving with Graye. She wasn’t even apologizing for not going to school. She was apologizing for now. She didn’t know if her mother knew that, but didn’t bother explaining it. She’d let her assume she meant for everything.

“Now, Ms. Barker mentioned something about a video. What is going on, Mackenzie?”

Mackenzie breathed in deeply. She didn’t know how to explain the one thing that made her run away from home—well, away from school, actually. “Hudson broke up with me.”

“I never liked him anyway. He was too arrogant.” She looked at Mackenzie and then she further clarified her feelings. “What? I didn’t. He will never love anyone else as much as he loves Hudson Clarke.”

Her mother was right. Hudson was Hudson’s biggest fan.

“So, after we broke up, he was stalking me.”

Mackenzie’s father sat up now, coming to life as if he had just walked into the room. He clasped his fingers together. His stern face frowned and he broke his silence. “He what?”

“I called him last week to tell him that I wanted to hang out with my friends and not him.”

“You needed his permission to hang out with your friends?” he asked with arched eyebrows.

“We’re your parents. Not him,” her mother added angrily. “You don’t ask him when you can do something.” She shook her head from side to side. She was getting more upset by the minute.

“I wasn’t asking him. I was telling him.” Mackenzie tried to smile, but they didn’t smile back. Their looks quickly wiped the smile off her face too. She pulled on her shirt collar as the room became warmer.

“I told you I didn’t like that boy,” her mother said to her father.

He was still sitting on the edge of his chair, as if he was hanging on her every word.

Mackenzie didn’t want to tell them the rest of the story, but she didn’t have a choice. They weren’t leaving until she did.

“Start all over from the beginning. Why was he stalking you?”

Mackenzie swallowed hard, and continued her story. “So, I told him I was hanging out with my friends, and he got mad. He said I was supposed to only spend time with him.”

“I guess he thinks you’re a possession and not a person.”

Had Mackenzie just seen a twinge of smoke coming out of her father’s pointed ears? She had never seen him this angry before. That made the rest of the story even harder to tell, but she continued. She had to.

“Then he got mad, and broke up with me. Graye was there. She heard the entire conversation.” Mackenzie saw her parents steal a glance at each other. She thought they knew what she was having a difficult time telling them, and she hated that they were dragging it out instead of just saying, “I heard this, or that.”

Parents, ugh.

“So, he broke up with you, because you wanted to hang out with your friends?”

“Yes.”

“Well, that’s just dumb.”

Mackenzie was waiting for her mother’s head to roll on the floor. She was shaking it hard enough. The madder she became, the harder she shook it.

“He told everyone that I cheated on him.”

“Who did you cheat on him with?”

“No one. According to him, I cheated with some boy, and then some girl. It didn’t happen. He just told lies.”

“And?”

“Mom, all I ever did was kiss him. I have never—you know.” She was embarrassed that she was talking about sex with them, especially in front of her dad. Her face warmed up. It didn’t matter that nothing happened. She wasn’t any less embarrassed.

“Mackenzie?” her mother snapped.

“I am not lying. I’ve never been with anyone in that way.” She didn’t want to talk anymore, especially if they weren’t going to believe her. Mackenzie was getting frustrated again.

“If you’re not going to believe me, then I am not telling you the rest.” She folded her arms, pouted, and turned her eyes toward the floor. She felt like she was on trial and was getting ready to get sent away for life. Hudson and the kids at school had called her guilty, and now her parents were. She didn’t like the way it felt.

“Look, as long as you’re living under my roof, you won’t use that tone with me again. Ever.” Her mother’s finger was getting close to her nose.

She knew she had crossed her invisible line. She had to slowly walk back over to the safe zone. “Mom, I don’t have a tone. I was talking to you, and you’re acting as if I’m lying. I’m not lying.” She tried not to whine, but she felt like her back was up against the wall and she wanted to cry.

“I never said you were lying. I asked a question, and I can.”

“Fine.”

“Now, finish your story.”

Mackenzie rolled her eyes, and continued. She didn’t unfold her arms. She couldn’t. “He lied about me, and then he started hanging around, following me, I guess.”

“What do you mean, you guess?” Her father again.

“I was down by the tracks with Graye, and he was there. He was watching us talk. We didn’t know that he was.” Mackenzie stopped, frozen, unable to finish. Her insides twisted and she felt sick in the pit of her stomach.

“What happened, Mackenzie?”

Her eyes met her feet as she struggled for the right words. As soon as she opened her mouth, tears rolled down her face before words could even roll out. She couldn’t tell them that she liked, maybe even loved, her best friend. She hadn’t even told Graye that her deep “like” had moved onto love yet.

“Listen, no matter what it is, we love you.”

She fell into her mother’s arms. She couldn’t get the words to meet her lips. They ran backwards instead of toward her mouth. Mackenzie wished Graye were here, and they were sitting on the couch dealing with this together. In this moment, she felt so alone in her struggle.

She cried harder. “Mom, I just can’t.” Mackenzie’s left leg started shaking. She was nervous, and couldn’t stop shaking no matter how hard she tried.

“There is nothing that you can do that will make me stop loving you. Nothing.”

“I don’t know about that,” Mackenzie managed to say through her tears.

“Did you kill someone?”

“No.” That was almost funny. She wiped her face with the back of her hand.

“Did you hurt anyone?” Her mother reached out, grabbing her arm gently.

“No, Mom.”

“We will never stop loving you. Even if we don’t understand it, we will never stop.” Her mother cried. “I can’t stand to see my baby hurting.”

Mackenzie’s dad spoke softly. “I live and breathe through my children. If you’re not happy, I can’t breathe. I need you to breathe.”

She knew her dad loved her, but he’d never said anything like that before. Never. It tugged at her heart.

She cried, falling back into in her mother’s arms for a little while longer. She wondered how Graye was doing. She needed her. She wanted to be in her arms instead. This wasn’t a battle she wanted to face alone. It was their fight, and her mom was wrong.

They sat and hugged for what felt like forever. Then from out of nowhere Mackenzie blurted it out. “I liked boys. I always liked them. Then one day I woke up and I wasn’t thinking about them anymore. I didn’t care if I saw Hudson or not. But…I cared if I saw…”

“Graye,” her mother said confidently.

Mackenzie nodded her head as tears streamed down her face. She closed her eyes tightly, not wanting to see their disappointed faces. She couldn’t bear it. She didn’t want that look etched in her mind forever.

Her mother grabbed her face. “We love you, Mackenzie.”

With a deeply concerned look on his face, and no mention of her admission, her dad asked, “What was in the video?”

“When we were at the tracks, Graye was upset. She was crying, we hugged, and then we—kissed. I haven’t seen it, but Micah did. He said Hudson added sound effects to it.”

Her dad stood up and touched her shoulder. Then he pointed at his chest. “With all my heart, I love you. Believe that. I don’t care who you love. This could be a phase, maybe not. I don’t care. I love you.”

She stood up on her toes and hugged him. He kissed the top of her head then grabbed his car keys. “I’ll be back.”

Her mother looked at her, and they hugged, not mentioning, but knowing full well that he was off to deal with Hudson Clarke. Her dad, one of Warwick’s ten cops, Officer Brandeis, was getting ready to fix the mess Hudson had made of her life. Or maybe he was just going to fix Hudson Clarke.

“This is so hard, Mom.” Mackenzie cried.

“I know. Question?”

“Yes?”

Her mother looked in her eyes. “Does Graye like you, too?”

“She said she does. She’s having a hard time with it, too. She said she woke up thinking of me and can’t stop. I promise you we didn’t mean to have them—the feelings just came. I am sorry.”

“No need to be sorry. It’s not your fault. It’s not even a fault. It just is.”

Mackenzie was floored by her mother’s response. It was then that she realized she had the best parents ever.

Mackenzie’s mom smiled sadly, rubbed her hand, hesitated. “So…is she your girlfriend?”

“No, she is still just my friend. We’ve talked about it, kind of. She likes me, and I have started to love her.” Her face became warm as she said all that she had been trying not to say.

“Why are you just friends then?”

“I’m afraid. She’s afraid. People are mean.”

“If you’re a woman with a woman, or a woman with a man, people don’t change,” her mother advised. “They are still mean. That’s not going to ever change. What will change is what they’re mean about. That’s all I know. What matters is your happiness. Forget other people.” She waved her hand in the air as if magically dismissing other people from their lives.

Her mother held her while they continued to talk. She explained that she wanted to be Graye’s girlfriend. She told her mom that she didn’t want to go back to school because Hudson took something she was dealing with privately, and made it public.

“I know that you don’t want to go back, honey, but you have to go. You need your education. Without it you are, and have, nothing.”

Mackenzie knew she was right. She just didn’t want to hear it.

“My friends called and sent me texts saying they can’t be my friends anymore.”

“Those aren’t people you should call friends. A friend doesn’t say that they will love you, but only if you do this, this, and this. A friend is a friend, always, no matter what.”

“Well, whatever you want to call them, most of them are gone now.”

“I know it seems like the end of the world, Mackenzie, but it isn’t. You have a few weeks left of this school year, and then next year. If you want to go to another school next year, we can do that. We will get through this one together.” Her mother’s tone was matter of fact. Mackenzie knew she was in her corner.

“Can I think about it?”

Her mother smiled, frowned, and then said, “No, you can’t think about it. I will give you all of next week to stay home. Then you’re finishing up the year. I will go and pick up your work.”

“Okay. Thanks, Mom.”

“We don’t run from our problems, even when they hurt. You’ll spend the rest of your life running.”

“I wonder where Dad went.”

“I’m sure Hudson knows.” They hugged. “I love you very much. I just want you to be happy.”

“I want to call Graye. Can I?”

“Sure.”

“I hope she’s okay.”

Her mother smiled warmly, then walked away.

Mackenzie’s leg stopped shaking and she felt a little calmer with everything out in the open. She still had to tell Graye that she loved her. Mackenzie sighed deeply.

Chapter Fourteen

“A video of what?” Graye’s mother asked.

“Do I have to sit in here for this?” Graye asked, as her stomach churned. She didn’t want to be here while Sylver was saving herself by implicating her. She felt dizzy with anger and embarrassment.

“I think you should,” Sylver added with a grin, looking rejuvenated with the attention deflected back to Graye.

“Really?” Graye said. Her parents didn’t respond and looked like they were trying to figure out the best way to go about it.

Then Sylver smirked. “There is a video that Mackenzie’s ex-boyfriend sent around, of them kissing.”

“What’s Graye have to do with them kissing?” their dad asked sternly. He looked tired of Sylver dancing around the issue.

Graye felt the tide about to change, and she was getting ready to ride this wave alone.

Oh God.

“Well, she is part of the them that’s kissing.”

Her parents looked at each other. Although confusion showed all over both of their faces, they were hanging on each word Sylver said.

Sylver was being Sylver, and she beamed as she captured their attention. The more comfortable Sylver became, the more Graye wanted to escape and avoid the exact moment when her parents finally understood.

“Okay,” her mother said. “Stop speaking in riddles, Sylver. Who was kissing who?”

Feeling unable to control herself, Graye stood up to leave before the moment she dreaded appeared.

Her mother’s nod directed her to sit back down. She did, clasping her fingers tightly in her lap, bracing to handle the blow Sylver was getting ready to deliver.

Sylver smiled wide and smug, as if she was redeeming herself. “Graye was kissing Mackenzie.” She paused for dramatic effect to let her words sink all the way in. “She was hugging and kissing her—you know, making out—down by the railroad tracks.”

Sylver had hit a home run with that one. Graye’s parents didn’t utter a word. They didn’t move. It was as if they both flatlined as soon as things became clear.

Graye’s mother caught her breath first, almost in a gasp for air. She looked at Sylver and quietly said, “You’re excused.”

Now the focus was all the way back on Graye. The weight of it was stifling. She wondered if being humiliated beyond belief could spontaneously kill a person. Probably not—she wasn’t that lucky.

Sylver might have fought a few of Graye’s battles at school, but in this moment that was all erased. Graye was horrified, petrified—mortified. She could feel herself tipping over. Problem was she was already sitting down.

Sylver sat up straight, tall and proud— really taking in the moment. “I’d like to stay,” she announced, as if it were actually an option.

Graye didn’t care anymore. The guilt she’d felt from choking Sylver had already drifted off in the air, the minute those words had escaped Sylver’s lips. Graye took in a deep breath, trying to regain her composure, and shifted in her seat.

Sylver beamed in Graye’s direction. She had accomplished what she had wanted. Graye’s private story, her secrets, her angst—they were all exposed. It was as if she were actually standing there buck naked and shivering.

“But you’re just getting to the good part,” Sylver whined.

Graye did her best to keep her eyes on the floor, right alongside her heart, while Sylver begged to stay once more—until she was informed that she was grounded until graduation day. Then she angrily stormed out of the room, stomping back upstairs, likely to share Graye’s pain with Blu.

The temperature in the room turned ice cold. Graye even felt herself shivering. Maybe she was buck naked after all.

Her dad turned to her first. “You can’t have a boyfriend until later—so, what? You pick a girl instead? Do you think that is some kind of loophole? Are your teenage hormones so out of control that you will go out and have a girlfriend because you think you can get away with that?”

“No! She’s my friend. I don’t have a girlfriend!”

“You couldn’t wait one more year for a boyfriend?”

“I didn’t do this on purpose.”

“I don’t know what to say.” Her dad jumped up and began pacing around the room. “Well, even if you’re forty, there will be no girlfriends,” he shouted.

She would give her parents until next year, but he couldn’t demand something from her that she didn’t feel. She couldn’t be forced to like cats if she liked dogs—or Brussels sprouts if she preferred cauliflower. How could she be forced to spend the rest of her years living a life she didn’t feel?

“She is my friend. I kissed her. She’s not my girlfriend.” Graye put her face in her hands. “Hudson made the video worse than it was.”

“How can anything be worse than this? I’m disgusted.” Her father shook his head and stared at her. “You live in this house, you play by our rules. No girlfriends.” He huffed and left the room.

This was all going exactly like she’d thought it would. Her family was so predictable and they showed themselves fully today, leaving no room for doubt. Her father’s words cut deep into her heart, but she refused to cry. Her tears danced on her eyelids but didn’t fall.

Graye’s cell phone rang as she sat on the couch with her mother—it was Mackenzie. Her heart raced and cried at the same time. She wanted to run. She wanted to be any place but here.

“You can answer it,” her mother said. “I need to go outside anyway—to breathe.” She stood up and walked toward the door.

Graye turned her ears back to the phone. The voice she had been longing to hear. “Hello.”

“Hi, how are you?”

“Dying inside.” Graye wiped her eyes with her sleeve.

“I guess they know, huh.”

“Yeah everything, just about. Sylver was getting in trouble so she told them about the video to take the blame off of her. I really don’t want to be here, Mackenzie. They love me, but only if I do what they want. That’s not fair.” There were mothers whose children lived on death row after committing horrendous crimes and they still loved them. Why couldn’t her parents’ love extend a little bit further than their rules?

“I agree.”

Graye wondered if Mackenzie’s parents had reacted poorly too, or if they knew and were supportive anyway. Her parents had acted exactly how she had expected them to. Graye started sniffling, but blinked back her tears, determined not to cry here.

“My dad left after Sylver’s version of the story. I didn’t get to tell mine. He said that we disgusted him. Then my mom just got up and walked out onto the porch.” Graye fidgeted with the pillow on the couch.

Mackenzie comforted and supported Graye through the phone. She said she hadn’t yet asked her mother if Graye could stay with them, but she said she would. Mackenzie listened as Graye vented her frustration and sadness. Then, when Graye felt as if she had gotten it out of her system, Mackenzie added to her worry.

“Graye, I have a big problem.”

What else was going to be tossed her way today? Graye was already overwhelmed. She couldn’t handle much more. She braced herself. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s about us,” Mackenzie said.

Maybe things hadn’t gone as smoothly for Mackenzie as Graye had imagined. “Was it something your parents said?”

“No.”

Worse than something her parents said? “After all of this, your feelings for me are gone?” Graye asked.

“No, worse.”

“What could be worse than that?” Graye wiped her eyes. It was becoming harder to hold her tears in.

“I don’t like you, anymore…”

What?

“I thought you said your feelings weren’t gone?”

Great. This was all she needed. Her family hated her. The kids at school had started to hate her because of the video, and now Mackenzie didn’t even like her anymore. It was all for nothing. Graye closed her eyes tight. She took a deep breath. It was amazing how fast she had become alone in this world.

“They’re not gone—I’m bringing more.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…I don’t like you anymore, but…well, I don’t know how it happened, but it did.”

“Mackenzie, I’m confused. You’re making me nervous.”

“I know. I am nervous too.”

“It’s me. No secrets. We already said the tough stuff.”

“I don’t like you, because I love you.”

Mackenzie burst the words out so fast that Graye couldn’t believe her ears had heard what they had.

“OMG,” Graye said, slowly dragging out the G. This was big. It was bigger than she ever expected. She wasn’t alone. Her nervousness floated away and her heart warmed up, even in the cold surroundings. Then she laughed. “So, we couldn’t do anything about the other feelings we had, so you thought you’d take our confusion to another level?”

Mackenzie giggled a little. “My heart said yes.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Just promise me you still at least like me.”

“Promise. I like you a lot,” Graye said as a smile brushed across her face. She did. She liked her more each day. Graye’s heart paused and she inhaled, then it started beating regularly again, offering a semblance of peace.

“I’m going to talk to my mom once we hang up.”

“Thanks, I need that.”

“You’re welcome.”

“And thanks for the other stuff too.”

“The love?”

“Yup. OMG.”

“You’re funny. I’ll call you back.”

“Okay, bye.”

Mackenzie had hit her with a streak of sunshine. Graye needed that. She sipped it in before someone came along to take it away.

Graye hung up, stared at the phone, and smiled. Noticing her mother walk in, the sight of her tears quickly washed Graye’s peaceful moment away.

She plopped down next to Graye on the couch, sighing heavily. “Mommy has broad shoulders, but I’m not sure if they’re that broad.”

“I don’t know what that means,” Graye said.

“It means this might be too big for me to carry.”

“And you think it’s easy for me?”

Her mother shook her head.

Everyone acted like this was nothing for Graye to carry on her already burdened shoulders. If it were easy, she wouldn’t have run away. She’d be walking down the street hand in hand with Mackenzie. But she couldn’t, because of those people and her own fears. Graye heaved a huge sigh.

“I never said it was easy for you, Graye. I know it isn’t.” Her mother’s angry tone was mixed with sadness.

“My shoulders can’t carry this either, Mom.”

“I’m sure it’s hard.”

“Imagine trying to find out who you are and no one letting you.”

“I can’t.”

“Right. And I have no choice. Oh, and then your dad tells you he’s disgusted with you. That one is always a breeze to handle.”

“I am sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. He said how he felt. You can’t change that. And I can’t change me.” Graye glanced over at her mother. She felt bad for her, but it seemed no one was feeling bad for Graye.

Her mother sat with folded arms. They both needed to be here in this moment, but like Graye, it was clear that her mother didn’t want to be. There was fear, sadness, and discomfort matching Graye’s.

People had always said they looked a lot alike, and right now with their feelings out on their sleeves, Graye figured they looked like twins. She smiled at the thought, noticing that the usually bright yellow room seemed dimmed, unable to compete with the darkness their sadness brought into it.

“I was blindsided. I went to sleep one way and woke up different.”

“I wish I could help you with this.”

“I wish you could too. You have no idea. If I could get rid of the feelings, I would. I swear, but I can’t. My life is upside down.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that it’s upside down. It’s a mess. And just because I’m different.”

“Stop saying that. You’re not different.”

“Well, everyone is treating me that way.”

Her mother looked very sad. She looked how Graye felt. Why were people making such a big deal over their feelings?

“What was on the video exactly?” her mother asked, rubbing the lines on her forehead. She looked tired.

“The video shows one kiss and a hug. And Hudson added sound effects to it.”

“Is she your girlfriend?” Her mom looked like she’d fall over if Graye said yes to that.

“No. We both told each other how we felt. That’s it.” Graye couldn’t tell if her mom believed her. “Hudson showed the video to everyone. He put it on the computer.”

“That’s why you left?”

“No, but it’s why Mackenzie did.”

“Now I get it. I couldn’t understand how you both got involved. Her mother and I talked. We were trying to figure things out.”

“I left because I choked Sylver.”

“Why did you choke her?”

Graye sighed, trying to put this in the most intelligent words she could find. She wanted to say it was because Sylver was a monster, an idiot, and ultimately, a bitch. But instead she said, “The pictures enraged me. It was the last straw. It’s been going on so long. I was quiet, but they kept bullying me. I blew up.”

“You could’ve killed her.”

“I know.” Graye wasn’t proud of it. Things were boiling over that day. Maybe it had calmed down for today, but on some level Graye knew the rage was only resting. It could come back if she was provoked. She just hoped that she wasn’t.

“Do you actually think I was trying to kill her?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“I know, but you’re acting like I actually wanted to hurt her. You’re forgetting about the months of bullying that led me there. I’m not saying I was right. I’m just saying I couldn’t control the anger that I had shoved down my chest for weeks.”

“I understand. The anger you pushed down finally spilled over onto your sister. That’s what happens when you don’t deal with things.”

Graye nodded her head in agreement. It was just like that. She was the boiling pot of water left on the stove for too long. She flowed over onto the burners, with the burners being Sylver’s neck. It happened, whether she meant for it to, or not.

“And you didn’t care? She’s your sister, Graye.”

Graye had thought they were on the same page, but her mother showed her that she was definitely off somewhere else. She didn’t understand Graye at all. “Of course I cared, but I couldn’t stop. They pushed me over the edge.”

She looked toward the floor, trying to refocus, and keep her voice from rising. Her mom was doing her best to understand, but Graye needed a little more than that. She didn’t have any more reasons to lie.

“The dumb video is all over the school.”

As far as Graye knew, it could have traveled the world already. Once on the Internet, a video can end up thousands of miles away. That’s how people became famous singing on the videos they uploaded. She didn’t want to become famous. She just wanted to find out who she was.

“I don’t even want to go back to school.”

“I know, but you have to. School will be over soon.”

“Not soon enough. Can’t I just finish the year at home?”

“No, Graye. That won’t do.”

Graye didn’t want to go back and deal with the students who were talking and laughing at her. She didn’t care about them being out of her life after next year. She still had to see them until then.

“I am sorry your dad left. I am sorry your sisters are being mean. I am sorry about everything.”

Her mother started crying. She was trying to carry what Graye had been trying to balance on her young shoulders. It didn’t look like it was working for her either.

“I knew this was going to happen. That’s why I left.”

“This is your home, Graye. We are a family.”

“I don’t always feel like a part of this family.”

“Why?” Her mother looked surprised.

“Well, Sylver and Blu have always kept me at a distance, and now these feelings will too.”

“I will deal with your sisters.”

“But it doesn’t erase what I have always felt, or what they’ve done—or will do.” Did her mother think she could take it away? She couldn’t take an eraser, remove the mistakes, and make it better.

Now, Graye had the task of telling her mom she wanted to leave. She didn’t want to be anywhere else but Mackenzie’s house. If she couldn’t be, then she didn’t know what would happen. She just knew nothing would change here. Sylver would be here until August and that could make for the longest summer ever.

“You really have no idea.”

“I don’t. You kids tell me what you want me to know. Not what I should know.”

“Maybe we just tell you what you can handle.” Graye shrugged her shoulders and wiped her tears. “They are mean—they act innocent, but they aren’t.”

“Even Blu?”

“Yes, even Blu. The difference between her and Sylver is that she knows when to walk away. Sylver doesn’t.”

“Enlighten me then. Tell me more.” Her mother paused as if waiting for her to tell her about the years of tricks she’s survived at the hands of her sisters.

Graye didn’t plan on doing that.

“You don’t have enough time for me to even tell you the short version.”

Her mother nodded her head, looking shocked that she had missed out on so much going on in her own home.

Now was the time for Graye to mention she was ready to move on. “I don’t want to live here anymore.”

“What?”

“I don’t. I’m sorry. I know Sylver will change for all of about two whole seconds. She lives to bother me and I’m tired of being bothered.” Graye folded her arms and could almost feel herself pouting. She was getting tired. She couldn’t bite back her yawn.

Her mother did the same. “Well, even if I said you could leave—which I won’t—where are you planning on going?”

She wasn’t ready to tell her mom that she wanted to stay at Mackenzie’s for a while. She shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know.”

Her mother put her face in her hands, shaking her head, and cried loudly.

Graye hadn’t meant to hurt her. She was tired of hurting too. That’s why she wanted, and needed, to leave.

“My leaving would make life easier for everyone, including you.”

“Why would you say that?”

“I know the truth. I know you were going to send me to the hospital.” She didn’t mean to blurt it out. It slipped before she could snatch it back. She saw her words slap her mother in the face.

Her mother looked at her with wide eyes, clearly surprised that Graye knew. “We didn’t have a clue what was going on. We wanted you to be okay.”

“Yeah, and in an instant you wanted to remove me. The problem. Now that I want to leave, you won’t let me.”

“I don’t want you to leave. I never wanted you to leave.”

“Now you don’t, but before you were ready to turn me over to St. Anthony’s Hospital. Then Arden Hill.”

Her mother frowned. “I love you. You’re my daughter.”

“That’s not enough for me. I want to go where I am wanted, all of the time, not just some of the time.” She couldn’t believe how the words came out of her mouth with such ease. She guessed they did because her secrets had already been shared. There was nothing left to hide, even if she wanted to hide them.

“Tell me where that would be, Graye? Where are you going with no job?”

“I can get a job. I will do what I have to do. I just want to be happy, and that won’t happen here. Ever.”

“If you give it time, it will.”

Her mother looked at her as if she hadn’t already given it seventeen years. She didn’t just relocate here a few nights ago. She had always been living here with them. She didn’t think her mother’s comment required a response.

“So, I can’t leave?” She didn’t want to be here. She hated her sisters, and her mother could never make things better.

“Are you serious about this?”

“Yes, more than I have ever been before.”

Her mother looked at her, wiped her tears, and stood up. “Graye Moon, like it or not, this is your family. I won’t let my seventeen-year-old child live somewhere on her own. That’s not happening.”

“What if I came up with somewhere safe to go?”

“It’s still not happening. I take care of my own kids. No one else will. And like it or not, this is your home.” She turned to walk away.

“Well, no, it’s never been a home to me.”

Her mother turned back around and stared at her. “What do you want from me?” Her shoulders seemed to slump from the weight of the conversation.

“You don’t like my life. Give it back to me and let me go.” The line had clearly been drawn, and she hadn’t planned on walking back over to the other side. Graye put her hands on her hips and shook her head. She would stand her ground, no matter how shaky it had become.

Her mother opened her mouth to say something, then didn’t. She turned to leave.

“Thanks, though.”

Graye’s tone stopped her in her tracks. She came back and stood over Graye. “Thanks for what? Graye, we don’t always get what we want. I wanted three weddings, because I have three daughters. I won’t get that. Am I okay with it? No, but I will be eventually. And you, you’ll be fine too. I will deal with Sylver and you will be in the room upstairs that you’ve been in since we brought you home from the hospital—like it or not.” Her mother stood waiting for her to agree.

She didn’t. “And who is going to deal with Daddy?”

“I will deal with what I can deal with. Everything will take time. You can’t drop this on us and expect us to jump for joy.”

“If it was a boy would you?”

She was ringing her hands together as tears slipped off the ends of her eyelashes. Her mother threw in the towel, defeated. “I don’t know.”

“Oh, you do, and so do I.” Graye left her mother crying alone. She had to go up into the room that she was forced to stay in. The anger and sadness that she’d been sitting on was climbing up the stairs alongside her exhausted body. She didn’t want any more trouble, so Graye walked into her room, looked around, then lay on the bed. She couldn’t stop her tears now, even if she tried.

Graye’s parents didn’t want her to have a boyfriend yet, but they would’ve been happier if the story was about her kissing a boy. Her mother made it loud and clear by refusing to answer. Her I don’t know was a resounding yes, and that hurt Graye. It confirmed that what she felt for Mackenzie was painful for her parents, and worse—unacceptable, disgusting. But what about what Graye wanted?

Chapter Fifteen

Graye’s phone vibrated. She reached over, grabbing it off of her pillow. It was Mackenzie. “Hey,” she said, lying her head back down on her soft pillow. She could almost hear Mackenzie smiling through the phone. Graye didn’t have a smile within reach, unless it was for Mackenzie. She was the only one in her world that made things right. Why was everyone trying to tell them it was wrong?

“I have some great news,” Mackenzie said.

“I can hear you smiling through the phone. It must be good.”

“My mom said yes.” She screamed into the phone.

Graye now had the task of telling Mackenzie that her parents weren’t having it. The excitement she’d shared hurt coming through the phone. Graye couldn’t match Mackenzie’s enthusiasm since she had to deliver a little taste of disappointment.

“My mom wants to speak to your parents, and then she said that we can go from there.”

Graye sighed. “Well, I didn’t ask if I could come to your house, but my mom said I couldn’t go anywhere.”

“Really?”

“I know you’re not surprised. My parents aren’t like yours.”

“Graye, my parents aren’t special. They want me to be safe and happy. They know I need you to be happy.”

“Mine want me to be happy too. They just think I can be happy here and not with a girl.”

“That stinks.”

“I have never been happy here. Not that it’s been all bad, but happy hasn’t ever lived here with me.”

“I will see if my parents can talk to yours.”

“It’s worth a try. I guess.” Graye kicked her feet on the bed. She was frustrated.

“What are you doing?” Mackenzie asked.

“I was sleeping.”

“Did things get any better since we talked?”

“My mom and I talked. She said she is going to try to talk to my dad. And to Sylver.”

“I miss you,” Mackenzie said, making Graye’s heart beat stronger.

“Me too, but I am not looking forward to going back to school.”

“My mom said I could stay home next week,” Mackenzie told her.

Graye hadn’t expected to get hit from the right with that one. She would have to face the roars and laughter alone? She’d thought they would stand side by side in the lion’s den. Graye wasn’t up for flying in there solo.

“Are you there?”

“Yes.”

“You have to go to school?”

“Of course I do. And now I have to go alone.”

Graye couldn’t imagine what it would be like for her and Mackenzie to stand together and face this. Now she had to stand alone while they tossed daggers at her from every direction. She’d have no one to lean on if she went in alone. The fear it brought turned her stomach upside down.

“Maybe you can stay home.”

“Mackenzie, I can’t—look, I have to go.” Graye didn’t know if she would’ve offered to go with Mackenzie if she were the one that could stay home, but she wished Mackenzie would do that for her. And it didn’t sound like she was going to.

“Graye, please don’t be mad at me.”

“I’m not. I’m just tired and frustrated.” She lied.

“I know you’re mad. I’m sorry. I’m not ready to go back to school.” She let it hang in the air waiting for Graye’s response. “Graye?”

She sighed. “Yes, Mackenzie?”

“I am sorry. Would you go if it was the other way around?”

“I don’t know, but I hope I would support you, you know, especially if I used the L word.”

“Wow, that’s mean.”

“No, Mackenzie, it’s real.” She wasn’t trying to hurt Mackenzie, but everyone that was saying that they supposedly loved her, kept falling short. Graye was beginning to think that word held a lot less weight than people meant for it to.

“I do love you.”

“I know, but sometimes you do have to show it.”

“I do show it. I asked my mom if you could come and live with me.”

“Yup.”

“You’re not being fair, Graye.”

“I’ve learned real quick, Mackenzie, that life isn’t fair. If it was, we wouldn’t be here.”

Graye heard Mackenzie crying. She hadn’t meant to toss her anger at her. She may have been told that she had to go to school, but she wasn’t going. Not alone, she wasn’t. If they wanted her there they would have to physically take her. In an instant, Graye made her own decision to let them think she was going to do what they said. She wasn’t. When Mackenzie went back, Graye would too.

“Please stop crying.”

Mackenzie was sniffling into the phone. Graye was hurting the one person she wanted in her life. “Mackenzie, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“Yeah, you did,” she said through her tears.

Graye did mean it, but she also didn’t at the same time.

“I just don’t want to go back to school alone.”

“And I’m not ready. I won’t even be ready when I’m supposed to go back.”

“I’m not going back.”

“What?” Mackenzie yelled into the phone, surprised of Graye’s outright defiance.

“I’m not going back alone. I don’t know if I’d show up for you. I want you to show up for me.”

“But…”

“I know. You can’t. But I am not going back unless they take me back.”

“And how do you plan on getting away with that?”

“I’ll be with you, but will send a letter excusing me from school.”

“You’re going to forge a letter?”

“Yes, I am. I’m going to excuse me for the rest of the school year.”

“Then you’ll be sending me back to school alone,” Mackenzie pleaded.

“Not if I don’t have to.”

“My parents will kill me if they find out I helped you cut school.”

Graye punched one of the pillows on the bed. “And it will kill me to have to go back to school.”

Mackenzie sighed into the phone. “Let’s just do things a week at a time.”

“Okay. This weekend, I will write the letter excusing me for next week.”

“Then we can be together.” Mackenzie sounded happy again.

“Yes, I’ll stay all day with you and then come back here.” Graye wasn’t sure if this was going to work, but she was going to try.

“What about Sylver?” Mackenzie asked.

“I haven’t thought that far ahead yet.” Graye would have to think about it, but since Sylver was almost done, she should be focusing on senior activities and not on Graye.

“Can you come over?”

“I don’t know. I want to.”

“Well, go ask and call me later.”

Mackenzie missed her—that made Graye feel good. She wanted to be with Mackenzie again too. Even if they didn’t touch, she just wanted to be with her. “I will,” Graye said.

“I really do love you, Graye Moon.”

Graye couldn’t believe how warm Mackenzie’s words made her feel. She hadn’t known it was possible to kiss using words. Graye enjoyed when their lips touched, but this was amazing. In some ways, it was even better since it caressed her soul.

“Thanks, Mackenzie. I like you a lot—more than before.”

“Sweet.”

They both laughed. They would probably become girlfriends eventually. Graye just didn’t know when.

“Talk to you later.”

Graye went downstairs and called Micah. She needed to stop by his house to ask for another favor. She wasn’t sure if he would stick his neck out for her again, after the officer almost begged for his arrest. At least this time there wouldn’t be cops or a stolen car involved. She laughed thinking about it. The whole thing was funny now, but when they were in the thick of things it wasn’t. Especially when brawny Officer Reynolds showed up. He scared them without a word.

Graye peeked into the kitchen, talking to her mother. “I am going down to Micah’s for a minute.”

“All right.”

Graye didn’t see her father. He must have still been out. “After I get back, can I go over to Mackenzie’s?”

“We can talk about it when you get back.”

Graye knew what that meant. She walked all the way into the kitchen. She wanted to deal with it now.

Her mother sipped her tea.

Graye tried to lighten her tone instead of rushing in for a battle. “I can’t go?” She looked at her mother. She looked worn down.

“Do you think it’s a good idea?”

“Yes. She is my friend.”

“I know that.”

“I’ve been going over there forever. Now it’s a problem?”

“I’m too tired to have this battle, Graye.”

“I’m not trying to argue. I’m just asking.” She stood waiting with her hands on her hips, unable to rest them at her side. She was having a problem lightening her tone. Her emotions were running wild making it hard for her to contain herself.

“I think we just need some time.”

What?

“You’re not being fair.”

“Graye.”

“Nope, I’m fine. I’m not different, huh?” She walked out into the living room with her fists balled up. Graye couldn’t fight the world, but she was ready to do it. She left the house and tried to close the door without knocking it off of the hinges.

She traipsed down the front steps and started walking toward Micah’s house. She heard her mother calling her off in the distance, but acted as if she didn’t. Graye knew this was what life was going to be like in their house. Their rules sucked. Her chest tightened, gripped by anger.

She would have to hear her mother when she got home, but right now she needed a break. They were in for a surprise if they thought they were going to keep her and Mackenzie apart. With every step she took, pounding the ground in her wake, she knew they wouldn’t succeed. She wouldn’t let them, because her heart wouldn’t let her.

She called Micah on her way down the street and he came outside as soon as she walked in front of his house.

“Hey. What’s up?” he said.

“Nothing. How are you?”

“I’m okay.”

“How are things at home?”

“It sucks. My parents drive me crazy.”

“Mine too.”

“Yeah but you have more freedom than me.”

“You’re right,” Micah agreed.

They stood and talked, trying to catch up. “I’m sorry for so many things,” Graye admitted.

“I forgive you. I don’t know if Charles ever will though.” He smiled. “I’m just kidding. He didn’t stay long.”

“I’m sorry he got arrested.”

He nodded in agreement.

“Mackenzie’s parents, and my parents, know. Hers are rock stars. Mine aren’t.”

Micah laughed.

“I’m serious,” Graye insisted. “My mother won’t even let me go to her house today.”

They sat down on the steps.

“Oh, so that’s why I saw smoke coming out of your ears when I came out.”

“Yeah, I’m pissed. It’s not right.” She growled unable to do anything else.

“I guess they are having a hard time with it.”

Graye knew they would. She was shattering their dreams. If she truly didn’t like men, she wouldn’t be marrying one, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t make her parents happy or proud. “I know that,” she said, “but so are we. I think I would understand if they didn’t know her. They’ve known her, like you, forever.”

“I know, but now they know about you two liking each other. It makes things totally different in their eyes.”

“It might be different, but it doesn’t make their reaction right.”

“Look, you don’t have to convince me. I know, because I lived it.”

“And how did you deal with it?”

“I took the bruises where I had to, and I worked hard to figure out what was best for me.” He scratched his head.

“I’m trying to do the same thing. They won’t let me.”

“Well, maybe if you give them time, they will.”

“I hope so.”

Then they talked about things going on in his life with Charles. They were still together, but talked of seeing other people. They liked each other, but were getting bored. Micah didn’t seem to care much. He was focused on finishing this year and ultimately graduating next year.

Graye finally confessed the real reason she’d come by. “I need a favor.”

He looked at her, rolling his big brown eyes.

“You don’t have to steal a car or anything,” she assured him.

He laughed. “Officer Mitchell really wanted to arrest me. I am not stealing a car again—for anyone. Not even for my mother. I am not ashamed to say I was afraid of the silver bracelets.”

When they finished giggling over their own stupidity, Graye explained what she needed. “I’m not ready to go back to school. Of course, my parents don’t care. Mackenzie doesn’t have to go back for a week. I can’t face those kids alone.”

“And you need me, why?” He leaned in closer.

“Well, I wanted you to drop off a note to the office, sealed in an envelope, excusing me from school.”

“Your parents don’t want you to stay home. Where are you going?”

She gave him that you-know look, but told him anyway. “To Mackenzie’s.”

“I ain’t mad at y’all for trying to make this thing work.”

“Well, we’re still just friends.”

“That’s what your mouth says. Believe me, you’re more than that, even if you don’t say it, or act on it. Real friends do a lot for each other, but y’all do a lot more than most. You know, like run away and stuff.” He smiled his all knowing, million-dollar smile. “I’ll do it. I don’t think the cops should be called for that.”

She slapped him jokingly on the shoulder. “Cool. Thanks. I’ll give it to you tomorrow.”

“Where you going now?” he asked.

“Home.”

“You’re not going to sneak over to Mackenzie’s?”

“Nope. It might be bad if I get caught.” She stuck her hands in her pockets.

“That sucks.”

“You have no idea.” She kicked a few rocks across the street.

“Oh, yes I do. When that love bug has you, you can’t fight it, but you damn sure gonna fight the world if they try to keep you away from it.”

They slapped hands and busted out laughing. He was absolutely right. Graye felt like she would climb a mountain if Mackenzie were on the other side of it.

“If they don’t let me go, I’m just going to start going.” Graye was ready to start bucking. Her mother had said Graye wasn’t different, but she was already treating her different. Graye was going to have to stand up and take what was hers. Even if it was just time with her best friend—almost girlfriend—she wanted to steal as much of it as she could get.

“Take it slow. Once the shock wears off, they’ll let you go.”

“I might have to just handle it on my own.”

“Give it time, then see what’s best,” Micah warned.

“You’re such a wise man for only eighteen years old.” She mocked him, making her voice a few octaves lower. She laughed at him, spitting his wisdom. She hadn’t always listened in the past, but she now realized how helpful he could be. He was a long way from where she was, on this bumpy dirt road, but he’d survived. His wisdom was helpful and she really needed to hear it.

“I might be young,” he started, “but when you’re gay, you add extra years to your life because of the struggles. So in gay years, I’m like thirty, instead of almost nineteen.”

“Damn, that means I’m going to be at least twenty-five by the end of the school year. My struggle has only been just a few months, but it’s been hell.”

They laughed and talked for a few more minutes until Graye’s cell phone rang.

“It’s Mackenzie.” She answered her phone. “Hold on,” she said, then turned to Micah. “Thank you for always, always, being a good friend.”

He smiled and waved her off.

She waved, then walked back up the street, talking on her cell phone.

“I can’t come over, Mackenzie.”

“Well, I am coming over there then.”

“What?” Graye desperately wanted to see Mackenzie too. She hadn’t considered the option of Mackenzie coming over to her house instead.

“There’s no law that says that we can’t be together. We aren’t doing anything. We’re just being really close friends.”

Graye laughed at Mackenzie’s boldness. This was how she’d acted with her Uncle Martin.

“Your parents are going to have to tell me to get out of their house,” Mackenzie added. “Until they do, I will be there as often as I want.”

That made Graye smile. “So, are you on your way?” she asked.

“Yes, I’ll talk to your parents when I get there. Maybe we both should.”

“Personally, I am all talked out.”

“If you love me, you’ll be there with me.” Mackenzie giggled mischievously.

“Ah, using my words on me,” Graye teased back.

“No, just saying. Seriously though, I think we need to talk to them, and then our parents need to sit down with each other. It will keep us together, and out of trouble.”

Mackenzie sounded like a new person. Her parents must have empowered her, while Graye’s took her strength away. Mackenzie was determined, and so was Graye. They were just going about it differently.

“Okay, I’ll see you in a bit.” Graye wasn’t going to tell her mom. She didn’t want her mother to stop Mackenzie from coming over. Graye wasn’t sure she would, but she didn’t want to give her mother that option.

“Tyler is on his way to work. I’ll catch a ride over with him.” Mackenzie sounded like there wasn’t anything Graye could say that would change her mind, not that Graye wanted to.

“Okay, cool.”

“And after all of this, I hope you plan on being my girlfriend. I have this love that I need to do something with.”

Graye smiled to herself. “See you soon.”

“All right,” Mackenzie said. “Don’t think I didn’t notice you didn’t answer my question.”

“Actually, Mackenzie, it was a statement, not a question,” Graye teased.

“Whatever. You heard it, and ignored it.”

“I promise I will answer it soon—but it wasn’t a question, though.”

They both giggled and said goodbye. Graye walked the rest of the way home with her head in the clouds.

She entered the house and quietly went upstairs to her bedroom. She wasn’t talking to anyone else until Mackenzie got here. She didn’t want to risk anything. She really needed to see her. Graye closed her door and waited anxiously.

Chapter Sixteen

“Graye?”

She heard her mother calling her from a distance.

“Yes?”

“Mackenzie is here.”

Yes.

Her mother was letting Mackenzie in. That was a good sign. Graye opened her door to yell downstairs. “I’ll be there in a second.”

She gingerly went back into her bedroom and paused for a moment, not wanting to appear too eager, even though Graye wanted to run down the steps.

Her mother would know right away that Graye had known Mackenzie was coming and had purposely failed to mention it. She couldn’t have that. Graye took a huge breath and steadied her nerves—it was time for the craziness to begin if she was going to be sitting in the kitchen with her mother and Mackenzie talking about things. They had sat in the kitchen so many times together before, but the weight on this one was quite heavy. The actual thought of it was frightening. Graye wasn’t sure she was up for it.

Graye went into her bathroom, straightened up her clothes, and left her room. The excitement she felt to see Mackenzie competed with her fear of having this conversation with her mother. Graye touched her pocket. Her cell phone wasn’t in there. She forgot she had taken her watch off too. “Slow down and breathe,” she reminded herself.

Graye turned and ran back into her room, not really listening to her own advice. She grabbed her watch and cell phone off the dresser, straightened her clothes once more, and then turned back around to go downstairs.

“So, she comes over here now? How cute.” Sylver stood blocking her doorway.

Graye had been so focused on her own thoughts that she didn’t hear Sylver come in. Was she serious? She wasn’t doing this now, with Mackenzie downstairs. Sylver was an idiot.

Graye felt like grabbing Sylver and throwing her into the wall, but she smiled instead. She would give her sister the opposite of what she expected. “Yeah, isn’t that great?”

Sylver stared at Graye, dumbfounded, and then slowly moved out of her way.

“Don’t let me catch you doing something you don’t want anyone to see.” She flashed her cell phone in the air. “Hudson’s not the only one with a camera.”

Graye just smiled at Sylver’s threat. She had what she wanted waiting downstairs, and Sylver’s antics weren’t keeping her from it. Not today. Graye wasn’t falling for it.

Sylver mumbled something under her breath as she stared at Graye.

Against her own warnings, Graye walked back over to where Sylver was standing. She leaned in close. Sylver towered over Graye, but in that moment Graye felt taller and bigger than she was. She stood on her toes to be face level with her tormentor. “Listen. You put my business out there already. It’s over, Sylver. Move on. You can’t hold anything else over my head. Try something new.”

Sylver opened her mouth to say something, but Graye interrupted before she could utter a sound. “I heard from somebody, I can’t remember where, that the one who yells the loudest always has the biggest secrets. You should watch your back, big sis.”

Graye smirked and walked away. She flashed her own cell phone in the air to a speechless Sylver. “Remember, I got a camera too.”

She glanced back once before she bounced downstairs, and there was Sylver, picking her big mouth up off of the floor. Graye had no idea where those words had come from—maybe she’d heard them on TV—it didn’t matter, they worked.

As she neared the landing, Graye centered herself. This was going to be the first time she was in the room with Mackenzie and her mother since everything came out. Her dad hadn’t come back yet, but it was still going to be uncomfortable. Graye felt butterflies in her stomach and a wave of nausea wash over her. She slowed down almost to a snail’s pace, expecting the worst.

Graye walked into the kitchen wearing a surprised look. “Hey, Mackenzie. What’s up?” She stood at the counter, not ready to sit down. Tension hovered in the air and was almost smothering. She didn’t want to throw things in her mother’s solemn face—she didn’t deserve it. Her mother looked wounded, hunched over, her eyes glued to the newspaper.

“Hi, Graye. I was in the neighborhood with my brother, so I stopped by.”

Graye’s mother was sitting at the kitchen table next to Mackenzie. She looked like she was trying to crawl out of her skin without anyone noticing.

Mackenzie looked the most comfortable of all of them, sipping her glass of soda, seemingly oblivious to the tension swimming around them.

Graye shifted on her feet and decided this was not a good idea. It was too soon, and the wounds were still wide open. Her mother’s fear and pain were clearly visible. Graye had tried to stuff hers down, but it was there too. This wouldn’t end well, and Graye wasn’t ready to take that chance.

“Let’s go sit out on the porch, Mackenzie,” Graye readily suggested, hoping Mackenzie picked up on her vibe. She was trying to offer her mother a reprieve. She was offering herself one too, but Mackenzie didn’t move. She hadn’t caught on to Graye’s lead.

Mackenzie wore a confident expression. “Well, I mentioned to your mom that I thought we should talk. You know, explain things.”

No wonder her mom was squirming in her chair. She finally looked up at Graye, her eyes seeking help.

Mackenzie continued, unaware of the silent exchange between Graye and her mom. “I think we need to talk, and then our parents should. I wanted her to know how things came about. You know—”

“I think it can wait,” Graye interrupted. “Really, let’s not do this now.” She glanced over at her mother’s pained face that was trying, unsuccessfully, to ignore them. Then she flashed a pleading look at Mackenzie and the light bulb went on. Mackenzie finally caught on.

She gulped down her soda. “You’re right, Graye. We can all talk later. Sorry.” She pushed her chair out.

“That’s okay.” Graye glanced back at her mother, her eyes bearing thanks.

Graye turned to Mackenzie. “So, do you want to go sit out on the porch?”

“Sure.” She turned to Graye’s mom. “Aunt Hunter, I’ll talk to you later.” Mackenzie smiled and pushed her chair back in.

“Okay.” Graye’s mother continued reading the paper that Graye was sure she had already read that morning. She kept her eyes down until Mackenzie walked ahead of Graye toward the living room.

Graye went and put Mackenzie’s empty glass into the sink, feeling her mother’s eyes on her back. Graye didn’t want a confrontation, so she quickly turned to go join Mackenzie where she was waiting in the living room to go out onto the porch.

Out of the kitchen, she heard her mother calling to her. She had almost made it. Graye looked at Mackenzie. “I’ll be right back.”

Mackenzie nodded and sat down.

“Graye?”

“Coming, Mom.”

Her mother put the newspaper down when Graye walked into the kitchen.

“Yes?” Graye stood with her nervous hands shoved deeply into her pockets.

“You two think you’re slick, huh?” Her mother’s eyes were no longer grateful, they were angry. Her face left no doubt that she knew she had been played.

“What are you talking about?”

Graye looked over her shoulder for Mackenzie, but she was standing and looking out the front door. She hoped Mackenzie knew enough not to come back into the kitchen. They could fight the entire world together, but this moment was all Graye’s—that much was written in her mother’s tired, swollen eyes.

“I wouldn’t let you go over there, so she came over here?” Her mother smirked, but it was a sad twisted smirk, not a victorious one. Clearly, she’d had all she could take for one day, and this was the last straw.

“I didn’t know she was coming.” Graye bit her top lip, trying to fight back the nervous smile that threatened to appear, being caught in a bold-faced lie.

“You can have this one,” her mother said, “but next time, she’s going to have to leave.”

“And you’ll have to tell her that, Mother. I won’t.” Graye totally meant that—even if she shouldn’t have opened her mouth and said it. Graye glanced over her shoulder just as Mackenzie turned toward the kitchen.

“This is my house.” Her mother slammed her palms onto the kitchen table.

“Yes, you’ve made that very clear. Since it’s your house, then it’s up to you to ask your best friend’s daughter to leave. And when you do, make sure you let me know how that worked out for you.”

Graye’s mother had never hit her, but in that moment Graye knew she could have.

“What did you just say to me? I think you have lost your young mind.”

“No, Mother, I found it, and you can’t take it away from me.”

“I see what you’re doing, Graye. You are tiptoeing the line, so I will put you out.”

No. Graye had already trampled that line a few times—she wasn’t tiptoeing now. For whatever completely illogical reason, she was getting ready to go toe to toe with her own mother. They didn’t have to agree on this, or anything, but Graye didn’t appreciate being treated as if she was less than Sylver or Blu. She hoped her sisters knew what was good for them and just stayed in their hiding place where Graye was certain they were eavesdropping and loving every minute.

“No, I’m not. I’m telling you how I feel. Mackenzie is my best friend in this whole world. Even when my sisters turned their backs, she was there. And this was way before we knew we had feelings for each other. She has been there when my own family refused to be. If you think you’re going to toss her out of this house because you can’t handle that we love each other, then I am going with her. Like it or not.”

Graye turned and walked toward the door. The butterflies had moved up into her chest now, but somehow her self-assured mouth wasn’t showing it.

“Come back here, Graye.”

She turned toward her mother and stopped.

“You can’t talk to me like this. Having feelings for that girl has set you crazy. I am your mother. I will always be your mother, no matter who you think that you want in your life. I refuse to be disrespected.”

Mackenzie turned completely around, moving in their direction, but Graye put her hand up warning her to stay put. This conversational brew was threatening to boil over any second. Graye squeezed her eyes shut, wishing the moment away.

She sucked it up, just a little, trying to make peace. “Look, I know you’re my mother and I am not trying to disrespect you. I have been alone on the most frightening journey of my life, and my family hasn’t supported me. You say life isn’t easy and it isn’t fair. But you left me. You and Daddy told me what I wasn’t allowed to do, but nobody offered to help me get through this. Guess what? Mackenzie and her mother did.” Graye had screamed the words, surprising herself, her mother, and Mackenzie.

“So what? Is she a better mother than me?”

“I didn’t say that. I said she helped. She doesn’t like it either, but she didn’t disregard what we are going through. You guys did. The stuff Sylver did disappeared the second she mentioned the video. What about me? I need your help!” Graye felt tears coming to her pained eyes. She didn’t want them to fall, and she quickly blinked them away.

“What do you expect from me?”

“I don’t know, Mother. Nothing I guess.” Graye’s chest was heaving up and down.

“No, evidently you do. What exactly do you want me to do? I am not going to let you two play house and live together. I wouldn’t if it were a boy, so why should the fact that she’s a girl change that? Just because neither one of you can get pregnant? Is that all you think this is about?” Her mother shook her head. “I think you underestimate me, Graye. I won’t just let you do what you want. You might be having adult feelings, but you’re still a child—my child.”

“Well, basically, you and Daddy set the rules and we are supposed to follow them. And I did. But now I can’t and I won’t.” Graye’s feelings had really taken over. She just couldn’t put them back to rest.

Her mother grabbed the sides of her head, maybe pushing back an oncoming migraine. Then her anger took over. “Since these feelings came around, you think that you don’t have to listen to our rules. You think you can do what you want. You can’t. It doesn’t work that way.” Her mother was screaming loudly, her arms folded in an aggressive stance.

Graye had never actually seen her mother seething with anger like this before.

“I’m not trying to disrespect you, Mom. I love you.”

“You don’t have to be trying to do it, Graye, but you are doing it.”

She moved closer to Graye and Graye’s heart started racing. She was nervous, but her mouth just wouldn’t stop—this might be her only chance to say everything she needed. “You might see it that way, but I’m just telling you what I feel.”

“You can tell me, but don’t talk to me like I’m your child. I’ll remind you of the fact that I am your mother, if you talk out of line to me again.”

Graye silently urged herself to calm down. If she wanted to be heard, she had to calm down and do it right.

“Do you hear me?”

“Yes, I do.”

Satisfied, her mother walked back over to the table and sat down. She was still shaking her head, but her tone had forced Graye to calm down. Her mother was pissed, and Graye decided she would take another approach. She couldn’t expect to be taken seriously if she was acting like a child.

Graye took another deep breath and explained what she was feeling. “Okay, so a few months ago my heart was beating only just to keep me alive. Why, I don’t know—I wasn’t exactly happy, and sometimes I wanted to die.”

Her mother looked stunned. “Why?”

“I don’t know. I just did.”

Her mother put her head in her hands as Graye continued. “Then I woke up one day, and my heart started beating differently, as if looking for someone else to be in tune with. I am young. I know that. But you and Daddy were our age when you got together.”

Her mother sighed loudly.

“What?” Graye asked.

“You can’t compare this to what your father and I have. It’s different.”

“I’m not comparing it. I’m just saying. I can’t help that my heart found someone, and that someone happens to be Mackenzie. I never said that we would be together forever. In fact, we’re not really together at all. We’re still just friends and right now I really need her friendship to get through this. I won’t survive this alone. Our feelings could disappear as fast as they showed up. But if I don’t try to get to know why my heart is reaching out for her, I will never know.”

That’s when Graye started to cry.

“What do you want from me?” her mother pleaded.

“A chance, Mom. I just need a chance to see what’s next for Mackenzie and me. I really need that.”

“I can’t promise that. I can only promise that I love you.”

“That’s not good enough anymore.” Graye’s eyes met the floor, while her heart ached for her mother to allow her to live in the direction her feelings were taking her. She longed for understanding. This wasn’t a choice she made. It was clearly something that lived in her, even when she didn’t know it was there. It wasn’t as if she went out and did it on purpose.

“Graye, just so you know ahead of time, the world is going to eat you two up alive. Especially with your new attitude.”

“My family already has. The worst part is over. Now, I can handle what the world throws my way.”

Graye strode into the living room. She was done. Her mother had told her how supportive she would be. Obviously her mother thought her own pain mattered more than Graye’s did.

As she walked away, Graye heard her mother’s painful cries. She loved her mom, but she had pushed Graye’s back against the wall, and the person Graye was becoming had decided to push back.

Her mother had to think that maybe Graye’s life might turn out the exact opposite of what she had always dreamt it would be, but that didn’t mean Graye didn’t need her mother—she did.

Graye’s life now depended on doing what she needed for herself—and Mackenzie—to get through this tumultuous time.

When Graye walked toward the door, Mackenzie was standing there with tears running down her face. Graye grabbed her hand. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“It doesn’t look like nothing.”

Mackenzie shook her head from side to side, as if the words would somehow fall out. Then they walked out the front door.

Graye couldn’t breathe. She needed fresh air to go with her fresh outlook. She felt like the pain of their newfound love was standing directly on her chest.

Mackenzie looked at Graye, a small smile playing at the corners of her mouth. “You love me too?”

“I think so.”

Mackenzie cried and fell into her arms, and in that moment, Graye didn’t care who was watching. Her best friend was sharing her pain, so she would embrace Mackenzie’s too.

Mackenzie walked over to sit on the porch, but Graye decided to go farther. “Let’s go,” she said. “I will live here because I don’t want to mess up our parents’ friendship, but I’ll be damned if I sit my ass in their house all day.”

Just as they were walking away, Graye’s father pulled up. He looked at her as if she were some criminal he had been searching for. He didn’t say a word, but she wouldn’t have responded if he did—he hadn’t spoken to her since saying that he was disgusted. She was sure, by the way he glared at her now, walking away with Mackenzie, that his feelings hadn’t changed.

“This family loves to say how much they love you. They just never take the time out to show it,” she said to Mackenzie as she continued crying.

Graye was hurt, sad, mad—and every other bad feeling balled up into one. But she had the one person that had always been there for her. Graye hadn’t always been the best friend to Mackenzie as Mackenzie had been to Graye, but she always knew their friendship was real. Family is family. But a friend that’s family is priceless. Well, at least it was in her seventeen-year-old eyes.

She glanced at Mackenzie, wanting to lift her up and spin her around in the air, screaming her thankfulness, just as she had seen so many people do in the movies. Instead, she smiled and fell into her stride as they walked. Their silence was good enough.

“Graye,” her father called.

She looked back over her shoulder and saw him standing alongside his patrol car, but she turned back around without responding. Graye walked away as he kept yelling her name. It only made her grab Mackenzie’s hand and walk faster.

She figured her mother had called him. He didn’t make it a habit of showing up at the house when he was supposed to be down at the police station. She would hear from him later, she was sure. But she couldn’t do it now.

Chapter Seventeen

They walked quietly away from Graye’s house and toward Main Street. It was the two of them against the world. Well, in their minds it was. They hopped into a cab, and then took a train into New York City. That was one place that Graye knew a person could be themself. She and Mackenzie needed that, now more than ever.

They rode the train in silence, holding hands, exhausted from the day. Mackenzie kept her head on Graye’s shoulder the entire ride. She liked it. And the world her mother had threatened her with didn’t even pay attention to them. They didn’t know where they were going once they got into the city, but they just wanted to walk and talk, without having to look over their shoulders.

Without too much time to spend, they hopped onto the A-Train as soon as they got into Penn Station. They went into the Village, knowing they could exhale a little there. Even if that just meant walking around, they wanted to do that. To be alone together, in the midst of all of the people, was refreshing.

Micah had dropped Graye’s letter off to the office early Monday morning, and he’d agreed to bring her homework to her. Things went off without a hitch and no one called her parents.

She spent the time with Mackenzie as they had planned. Then, one afternoon when she was hurrying back home from Mackenzie’s as if she had actually been to school all day, Graye decided to take a shortcut through Dodie’s Field. She never usually walked that way unless they were playing football, and she wasn’t sure why she was today.

While she was walking, Graye noticed a parked car. She recognized it, but couldn’t remember from where. There were two people making out in the back. She squinted but couldn’t tell if she recognized anyone.

In light of what had happened to her and Mackenzie, Graye did her best to just walk by, but curiosity called her back. When she realized who it was in the car, Graye almost screamed—she covered her mouth in shock.

Graye reached into her back pocket and took her phone out, getting ready to record what she saw. She had no intentions of uploading it to any website, and the only other person who might ever see it would be Mackenzie. But if she needed to use it when her back was against the wall, she would.

Graye waited until both faces were in view and then recorded as much as she could without dropping her phone. After a few moments, she took off toward home, walking with a lighter spirit.

Things were looking up. She smiled all the way back to her house, patting her pocket, amazed by what she had seen.

Graye and Mackenzie were gearing up for their grand return to school. They needed to deal with the changes they’d been going through blindly, and since they couldn’t get the help they needed at home, this was good enough, if not better. Micah had given them the idea.

Instead of hanging out at Mackenzie’s house, they had been going into New York City on the days when they were supposed to be in school, just in case her parents came home. Mackenzie had permission to be home, but Graye didn’t have permission to be there with her. So for the past few days, they had been going into the Village where they had met a few older women. They had struck up a conversation and the wisdom freely poured out.

They went to Washington Square Park, and the people around them seemed to be sharing in the same moment as Graye and Mackenzie. They watched the water in the fountain, and then they walked toward Christopher Street, gazing at still more people living in the moment.

By going into the city they had learned that love was love, and there wasn’t always going to be an explanation for it. An older woman named Mary shared the general consensus of everyone they’d met.

She said, “Love shows up and doesn’t always offer a reason. It just demands that we listen to it. It can come at a whisper or shout in your face. It just comes. At some point, despite the fear it brings with it, we are forced to stop asking questions about that love and start living in it.”

The power of her words made Graye shiver, almost knocking her back, as the wisdom rolled off her lips directly into Graye’s heart.

She grabbed onto Mackenzie for support, shaking her head. “I don’t even know what to say now.”

“There isn’t anything more to say.” Mackenzie grinned.

They began to glow, as all of the newfound knowledge collectively began illuminating their fears. It didn’t lessen them completely, but it offered basic understanding, and Graye needed that.

Mackenzie had started to embrace her feelings—she wasn’t looking in from the outside, but Graye still was. At some point she would have to become an active participant, if they were to turn this friendship into a real relationship.

After talking to numerous people during the week, they found that they weren’t that different after all. They shared the love of another girl, but it was still love—no matter what. No one could explain why they felt the way they did. Everyone said that they had gone through similar things, and that their parents had given them a hard time, too. Some had worse stories than Graye and Mackenzie did, and they were far worse than Hudson’s cheesy homemade video.

“You remember when that one lady said that her parents threw her out onto the streets, and she didn’t have anywhere else to go?” Graye asked.

Mackenzie nodded her head. They were walking back toward the train.

“And the social worker that worked with runaways that actually slept on the street—that made us going to Charles’ house look like a field trip.” They laughed, thinking back to their few days of life without their parents nearby.

Those kids were tossed out for being gay, lesbian, or bisexual. Graye might have had it bad, but she still had it better than them. She hoped knowing this might cause her to buck a little less. Her family didn’t have to like it, but she didn’t want to lose them forever the way some others had. She might not have had their support, but at least she still had them.

Graye and Mackenzie found out about the support groups and centers in New York City that could help them. Graye felt like she had started climbing up a mountain, hoping to eventually reach the top. If she did, there was no guarantee that Mackenzie would be standing with her, but she just knew that she had to feel better, and she had to start working on things. Graye couldn’t beat the world if she couldn’t deal with her own feelings.

The strangers they met were helpful. She felt happy about missing school and not having to deal with questions about the video. And, although they’d emotionally moved passed the friend stage, Graye was still holding out, unsure if she was ready for more. She figured that if it was going to go to another level, it would do so casually and in its own time. It should just be.

They were both nervous about going back to school, but felt better armed with the knowledge they’d acquired. Graye’s broken road was being repaired, but it was still in need of construction. She felt good walking on it with Mackenzie, though.

When they got back from New York City, they went back to Mackenzie’s. Graye still had a few more hours before she was expected home.

Mackenzie stood with a bag in her hands. “My mom got us some cool t-shirts to wear back to school.” She beamed with pride—Mackenzie’s mom had a lighthearted sense of humor. She reached in and handed one to Graye. “Here, this one is yours.”

Graye took it out of her hand and started laughing. “Does she think we’re really going to wear these?”

“I don’t know about you, but I am.”

Graye looked back down at her t-shirt and read it aloud. “Yup, I am with her. So what?” There was an arrow pointing sideways—it would work out best if they were standing alongside each other, but people would get the point even if they weren’t.

“She said we wouldn’t have to deal with the video if we wore them. The t-shirt will answer questions for us.”

They were cool, but still a little crazy. “And what about Principal Brown?” Graye wasn’t sure if she would let them wear the t-shirts at school. She would probably find something wrong with them and send the girls home.

“I don’t know,” Mackenzie shrugged. “I’m wearing mine.”

“I guess I’ll wear mine too, then.” Graye hoped this worked, at least it was worth a shot, considering what they had already gone through. She didn’t mind laughing instead of being laughed at. It definitely couldn’t hurt.

“Just so you know,” Mackenzie handed Graye the bag, “she bought one for every day next week.”

Graye fell back on the bed laughing harder than she had in a long time. This was hysterical.

“Mom said it’s a way to tell the world to kiss our asses, without actually having to tell them to pucker up.”

“I told you that your parents were rock stars.”

“Nah, they just want us to be happy. The rest doesn’t matter.”

“What do you mean?”

“My parents may not be happy if I end up with a girl over a boy, but they want me to be happy no matter what. They don’t disagree with it. They are just afraid that the world will cause problems. They want me to be safe.”

Graye nodded her head, wishing her parents had said that. She looked into Mackenzie’s eyes and decided to say something she hadn’t said in this way ever before.

“I love you, Mackenzie. This has been, and will be, a long road, but I’m glad we’re figuring this out together.”

Mackenzie fell into Graye’s open arms and squeezed her tight. “I love you too, Graye Moon. I hope it’s forever.”

They hugged for a little while longer, until Graye took Mackenzie’s sweet face in her hands and kissed her soft full lips.

“What’s wrong with you?” Mackenzie asked.

Graye looked at her and then wiped the tears from her eyes. “I don’t know. I guess I’m feeling a little better about things.”

Now, she and Mackenzie just had to make it through the last two weeks of school. If they could do that, then she had this thing on lock. Or at least that’s what she kept telling herself. She wasn’t sure, but the daily chats with the women seemed to have given her a little more confidence and strength.

Graye glanced over at the clock. “I have to go home.”

Mackenzie sighed. “I know.”

Graye left and didn’t feel like walking so she took a cab, hopping out a few blocks away from her house to walk the rest of the way. As she stepped in the door, she stood face to face with a grinning Sylver and Blu.

She wanted to ask them if all they did was sit and wait for her to come home every day, but she didn’t say anything, not even muttering a hello. Graye had planned on going directly upstairs, but of course, Sylver had different plans, like always.

“Hey, Blu,” Sylver spoke to Blu in an exaggerated tone, “did you know that Graye thought she was pulling a fast one on our parents?”

Graye stopped dead in her tracks. Sylver was reared back like a stallion, ready to get things started. Something in the pit of Graye’s stomach told her to leave, but she chose to stay. Running would only prolong things, forcing it to come into play another day. Sylver would make sure of that.

“What do you mean?” Blu asked innocently, batting her eyes from Sylver back over to Graye.

Sylver turned toward her. “Well, Blu, she was supposed to go back to school this week, but since her little girlfriend didn’t go, she didn’t go.” Sylver winked and smirked, nudging Blu’s arm as she smiled nervously beside Sylver.

“She missed a whole week of school?” Blu asked.

Graye couldn’t believe that Sylver was doing this. She stared at Sylver as anger began creeping up into her fingertips.

Sylver smiled back.

“What are you going to do now, Sylver?” Blu asked.

Graye was curious what her next step was going to be, too. She perked up, listening.

“Well, I thought of telling Mom. She will be home in a few minutes.”

The anger boiled up and took her back to the day she’d choked Sylver. Then Graye thought of something she had resting in her back pocket—her insurance policy. She reached back and grabbed her cell phone, then walked toward Sylver, who leaned back thinking she was going to hit her.

“Oh no, Sylver,” Graye said. “I have something even better than putting my hands around your scrawny neck again. Let me show you. It’s just a little something I came across the other day.”

“I don’t want to see anything that you have.” Sylver stuck her nose up high, as if she smelled something nasty. Maybe what she smelled was her own fear, caused by Graye’s lack of it.

“Well, we can wait until our mother comes in the house if you want to. She just pulled up outside.” Graye glanced out of the front window. “Once we show this to Mom, then you can tell her all about me skipping school this week.”

Sylver didn’t move. She looked like her feet were stuck in cement instead of on the hardwood floor.

“I think you should look at it, Sylver,” Blu begged, looking in her direction.

“I don’t want to.”

Graye walked toward the front door. “Maybe our mother will want to see it instead, then.” She stared at Sylver, taunting her with her phone. “Come on, sis, take a peek. This won’t leave any scars.”

Graye smiled as Sylver rubbed her neck. She was trying to be as crude as they had been to her. She didn’t really like it, but she kept going, trying to bring this war to an end.

“I don’t think I want to see it.” She whined in a tone Graye had never heard. Her fears and anxiety were practically flowing out of her pores.

“Let’s wait then. I will show it to you later.” She smiled turning to walk away.

“Okay, let me see it.”

Graye walked back toward her and Sylver reached out to snatch her phone, but Graye pulled it back. “Uh-uh. I will hold it and I have another copy, just in case you feel like stealing or breaking my phone.”

Sylver looked genuinely frightened.

“Ready?” Graye asked.

“I am,” Blu said.

Sylver smacked her on the back of the head.

Graye pushed play and Sylver’s eyes filled with tears. There was a video of Sylver, in the backseat of her friend, Stephanie’s, car. How interesting to see that they were locked in each other’s arms, kissing passionately, and removing each other’s clothes.

Graye hadn’t stayed for the rest. She wasn’t trying to invade their privacy entirely, as hers had been. She’d only needed enough video to bring a little peace her way, finally silencing Sylver.

The look on Sylver’s face confirmed that Graye had succeeded. The color was slowly easing off her face, just as their mother walked in the front door from work.

“And you thought I was lying.” Graye smirked, knowing she now had the upper hand for once. It felt nice.

“I was outside talking to Mr. Johnson and he said…” her mother’s voice trailed off when she noticed their faces and realized something had just occurred.

Graye stood victorious with her chest puffed out alongside an exasperated Sylver.

“We can tell her now if you want. You can go first,” Graye said. “We’ll save my stuff for last.” Graye grinned at Sylver, putting her hands to rest at her sides.

There was no color left in Sylver’s face, leaving her olive-colored skin a pale shade of gray. She seemed to sway from side to side.

Blu stood close, holding her arm tight, keeping her from falling over.

“Well, what happened? What’s wrong? Tell me what?” Their mother put her things down on the floor. She looked confused, concerned, and eager to know what she’d just missed.

Sylver turned tail and ran upstairs without another word. Graye enjoyed her silence more than her pain.

Blu looked at their mother and then over at Graye. She seemed confused about her next move. She shook her head and then lied. “Nothing happened.” She sprinted after Sylver.

Graye stood with the widest smile on her face as she put her cell phone back into her pocket. She wasn’t the only one harboring secrets, but she wouldn’t expose Sylver. There was joy in knowing that Sylver didn’t know that.

“Someone, tell me what happened.”

Graye was the only someone still standing there and had no intention of telling her mother what happened either.

“I will leave that for Sylver to tell you, since she likes telling you stuff so much. It’s none of my business.”

Graye turned and walked away, thinking the words she’d wanted to say. Well, Mother, you will be having one daughter getting married, not two.

Graye giggled quietly and walked toward the sun porch, wanting to give Sylver time to get it all out before she went upstairs. She was tired of fighting and wasn’t sure if Sylver would be bringing out the big guns. Graye sat down and savored her first real victory. Sweet.

Chapter Eighteen

As if her day needed any more drama, Graye’s dad pulled into the driveway just as she got comfortable in the chair. She couldn’t avoid him any longer. She braced herself not knowing what to expect. She took a deep breath as he walked toward her from his truck. She wanted to fade away into the chair.

“Graye.” His deep voice hung in the air.

“Hello.”

He came onto the sun porch, placing his bag on the floor, and started ringing his strong yet tired hands. He leaned on the banister instead of sitting. “I heard about your conversation with your mother. I need to first say that I don’t appreciate you thinking that you can talk to us anyway that you want.”

She nodded. “Sorry. I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful.” She started shaking her leg nervously.

Ignoring her apology he said, “I know that you’re going through something. We all go through things in life. Especially when we’re young. But you’re fighting the wrong people.”

“I’m not fighting anyone. I’m just trying to find my way.”

“That doesn’t mean you can knock down those of us you see in your way. We love you. We don’t understand what you’re going through. I know I don’t approve of you being with a girl. It doesn’t mean I have stopped loving you. Have you ever stopped to think that we just might be doing our best?” He glared at her.

“No.” She didn’t like what their best looked or felt like.

“We are. I’m disgusted by the thought of any woman kissing another woman. And that doesn’t change because it’s my daughter doing the kissing. In fact, it makes it worse.” His words stung her, as if a bumblebee poked her in the face. She rose up out of her chair to leave. She didn’t want to hear him.

“Sit down, Graye. For a few more weeks you have to listen to us. When you turn eighteen years old then you have two options. You can listen, or leave with no support from us. Right now you will sit down and listen because that’s your only option.”

She thought back to the social worker in New York City and realized she didn’t want to become one of the kids she worked with, living alone in this world without her family. She didn’t have to like them, but she knew she still needed them. If there ended up being no Mackenzie, she would be left struggling alone.

Graye sat down.

“Look, I have never believed that two men, or two women, together was anything close to right. I don’t like it. I won’t stop saying that. You may think that you like Mackenzie now, but there is no guarantee you’ll stay together. People like you two don’t stay together.”

“What do you mean, people like me?” she asked, rolling her eyes.

“Those nasty people doing nasty things together.”

“First, I am not doing anything with Mackenzie—nasty or otherwise. We are friends.”

“That’s what you tell me.”

“No, that’s the truth. I have no reason to lie to you.”

Breathe, Graye. Breathe.

“You have every reason to lie to me.”

“No, I don’t. I will ask you this, if Mackenzie was a boy, would you stand here asking me if I was having nasty moments with him, too?” Her mouth kept running, although she tried to convince herself to just listen.

His anger seemed to be building by the second, and so was hers.

“I don’t know.” He looked away.

“No, you do. I am not doing anything wrong. I love my best friend. That’s it. My world has been shaken up, but it’s not going to return to where it was because you are disgusted and think it’s nasty.” She wanted to scream in his face. She wanted him to hear her. She knew his hate wouldn’t let him.

“You are not supposed to love her that way. I don’t love my friends like that.”

Was he really serious?

“I didn’t wake up one day looking for something to change my life like this. I have no control over my feelings.” Her anger was rising and her voice rose slightly too, almost making her blind to the consequences.

“You have control over what you do with them.”

“And, Daddy, what do you suggest I do with them? I mean, you seem to have all of the answers.”

“I suggest you start with fixing your tone.”

“I don’t have a tone!”

“Young lady,” he screamed back.

She stood up. She’d had enough of his accusations and stupidity.

He moved swiftly toward her.

“Do it,” she shouted. “Hit me for standing up for myself. I am so sick of everyone in this house being so self-righteous.”

He was taken aback and stared at her. She could tell he was trying to decide if he was going to have to use his hands to shut her up.

Graye noticed her mother quietly but quickly ease out onto the porch. Graye felt like a caged animal.

“What are you two talking about?” her mother asked.

“Nothing,” Graye barked.

“You put it out there,” he said. “Just say it.”

Graye decided not to throw Sylver under the bus. It wouldn’t change what she was going through. She stared at them both with contempt.

Her father shook his head. “Such disrespect.”

“You have always taught me that respect is earned—and from what I know it’s a two-way street.”

Her father walked over, but before his hands landed on Graye’s shirt, her mother stepped in the middle of them.

Graye silently thanked her mother, because she knew she had been seconds from being knocked on the floor. He had never hit her before, but Graye was sure that had almost changed.

“Sit down, Graye. And, John, back up,” her mother yelled loudly. She clearly wasn’t moving until they did. She was short, but her voice was powerful. They both stared at each other and then did what she demanded.

“Look, I don’t know what you expect from us, Graye. This isn’t easy. It isn’t easy that you are doing something that we are totally against.” Her mother spoke softly, reflecting her pain.

“I don’t want you to do anything more than love and respect me. I know it’s hard for you. Do you think it’s easy for me? It isn’t. This is proof of that.” She thrust her arms in the air with frustration spilling off her fingertips.

“We do love you.”

“Yes, but sometimes saying it means nothing. I need to see it. I don’t feel like you love me, unless I change who I have just found out I am. Would you rather I spend my life in a loveless marriage just to make you happy? Just so you can save face? You want me to get married when I get older, even when it’s something I don’t want for my life.”

“I do. I want you to be my little girl, in pigtails wearing pink dresses.” Her mother smiled slightly, as if she was thinking back to when Graye was small.

“That will never happen again.”

“So, you’re going to dress like a little boy?” Her father’s words were more of an accusation than a question.

Graye was done fighting this losing battle. She sighed, but decided not to respond. She didn’t dress like a girly-girl, but she didn’t dress like a boy either. She wore what made her comfortable.

Graye took his hurtful words and tossed them away. She didn’t want things to get worse than they already had. She had to go back to school, and she needed to focus on the daggers that would be tossed at her by her classmates. She shouldn’t have to remove the ones tossed by her father too.

She was ready to go upstairs and then head back over to Mackenzie’s. She didn’t want to be with them anymore. They treated her like garbage—and she wasn’t. Possibly being a lesbian didn’t make her less worthy of their respect. No one deserved less because they were different.

Graye crossed her arms. “Are we finished?”

“No. We aren’t,” her father said.

“Graye, you have to give us time. This is a lot for us,” her mother added.

“I just want to be left alone. That’s it.” Graye blinked back her tears and fidgeted with the bottom of her shirt.

“I love you. I really do.” Her mother walked over and placed a hand on Graye’s shoulder. “I want what is best for you.”

“What’s best for me is to be left alone. Nothing more.”

Graye lived in a house full of people, but her circumstances made her feel like she was lost in the wilderness alone.

“Don’t think you can just come and go as you please. This is our house,” her father said.

“Look, I know who owns this house. I don’t know why I have to keep hearing that.” She tried to bite the words, but they refused to stay in her head, jumping out before she could think them away. “I know that you think you own me too, but we each have a life. You don’t own mine.”

Her father shot up from his chair, but her mother grabbed him, as Graye cowered in hers.

“John, John, please don’t.” It looked like it took all of her mother’s strength to restrain him.

“Who are you?” He threw his arms up in resignation and screamed loud enough for the entire block to hear. “You are not my daughter.”

She slipped past her mother. “Oh, no. Unfortunately for both of us, I am. You remember me? I’m the one you’re disgusted by.”

She ran into the house, knocking Blu over on her way in. Graye went straight to her room to start packing. She was done. She didn’t know where she was getting ready to land, just that she needed to fly away—now.

While she was packing, her mother walked into her room. If it could be possible, her face looked even sadder than it had before.

“Graye, I am sorry we can’t be who you want us to be. We are not sure we like who you have become either, but we love you enough to open the door. You can leave. I talked to your Aunt Kyle. She agreed to let you come and stay there. You need peace, and so do I. Tyler’s on his way to come and pick you up. We will send money for your aunt to take care of you. Once you graduate next year we will pay for your tuition. The rest is up to you.” Her mother turned to leave. “Good luck,” she said, as she softly closed the door.

Graye could hear her mother sobbing. She slumped on the edge of the bed as tears streamed down her face, too.

Before long, Sylver knocked on the door, and didn’t bother to wait for an invitation to come in. She had her hands raised in surrender. “Look, I don’t want to fight. I just wanted to say that I am sorry. I am sorry for everything.”

“Why? Are you sorry because you got caught doing exactly what you’ve been crucifying me for?”

Graye couldn’t look at Sylver as they talked. She kept her eyes directed toward her bags, seeing broken fragments of herself strewn across the bed—shards of anger and rage mixed in with bits of love. Graye longed to be whole again.

“No. I’m sorry, because it was wrong. You might not believe me, but we love you too. Blu and I didn’t mean to make you feel like you have to leave.”

“Sylver, I wish I could believe that, but I can’t. If you’re worried about me letting your business out, don’t worry too much about it. You were meaner than you had ever been. But I won’t repay the favor. I’m better than that. I just want to go on with my life.”

“We really are sorry.” Sylver reached out to Graye, but she shrugged her hand away.

“Don’t you think that it’s a little too late for all this touchy-feely stuff?” Graye stood up and went into her bathroom, shutting the door and shutting Sylver out of her life. This couldn’t be fixed by an apology.

Graye gathered her toiletries, struggling to breathe. She sat down on the toilet to grab what she needed from under the sink. She tried pulling herself together, but it felt like someone she loved had died.

Her eyes flashed instinctively to the drawer where she’d kept the safety pin and razor blade. They weren’t there anymore. They were at the bottom of the stream. Graye shuddered at the thought of how close she had come to—

Unable to finish the thought, Graye went back into her room, grabbing more bags to finish packing. Since she actually had somewhere to go now, she could take more than she’d planned.

There was another knock on the door and it gently opened.

“Mackenzie?”

She walked in, arms wide open, and Graye dropped her bags and immediately fell into them. She didn’t care who was watching.

“Why are you crying? Isn’t this what we wanted?”

“Yup, but not this way.”

“I’m so sorry.”

Graye shrugged and wiped her tears away, and then they grabbed her bags and carried them outside. No one was there to say goodbye. Had she expected there would be? She knew they were watching out of the windows as Tyler helped put her things in his trunk.

Graye turned around before she hopped into the backseat of Tyler’s car, so she could gaze at the pain that she was leaving behind. Leaving didn’t make it easier. Not in this moment. Not in this way.

Chapter Nineteen

Graye spent the night telling Mackenzie about her exhausting day, about Sylver and the painful words that her parents had spewed, rocking her to the core. She was exactly where she wanted to be right now, but she felt like she had lost so much, including her family, to get there.

She hadn’t told Mackenzie about Stephanie and Sylver after that day when she took the video. Mackenzie was shocked when she finally showed it to her.

They planned on setting up the extra bedroom for Graye tomorrow, tonight she wanted to stay in the bed with Mackenzie—she needed to be close to her. So, finally, Graye lay down and quickly drifted off to sleep.

Graye spent most of the next day in her room and purposely managed to sleep through the majority of it. She felt better, but still hated her life. Mackenzie went in and out of the room, checking in on Graye from time to time, giving her the space that she needed.

This time when Mackenzie came in, she plopped down on the bed, so Graye sat up and stretched. They talked about going back to school the next morning, and both of them decided to wear their t-shirts. Graye had already lost her family—she had nothing else to lose. So, she decided to give the shirt a try.

While they talked, Mackenzie’s mom came into the room.

“Hi, Aunt Kyle.”

“Hey, Mom.”

Mackenzie and her mom shared the same breathtaking smile, and her mother flashed it at them as she sat down. She sighed, looking at the two girls. “Tomorrow is going to be a big day. I just wanted you both to know that I have already called the school. We discussed the video that was circulated, and the fact that it was their job to protect you from the backlash of it. Even though I spoke to Principal Brown, I will be there when I get off work in the morning. Graye, your mother is going to do her best to be there too. We want to make sure you go back without any problems. I know we can’t control everyone, but we want to show some support.”

It surprised Graye that her mother was going to at least try to show up. She nodded her head.

Her Aunt Kyle ran her fingers through her brown hair, pulling it tight into a ponytail. “I also wanted you to know that both of your families love you. This is the biggest thing that has happened to you yet. It’s big for us too. We won’t handle things perfectly, but we will try our best to support your decisions and choices. We always hoped you would grow up and become best friends, but we didn’t expect the rest that came about. We’re learning as we go. Remember, the world doesn’t usually embrace what it sees as different. That doesn’t mean you have to demand it accepts you—it means you have to be prepared for it not to. And it won’t just happen in school. It will happen in all aspects of your life, unfortunately.” She frowned.

“Tell me about it,” Graye said, hanging her head. “That’s why I’m here and not home with my own family.”

“Graye, your family doesn’t hate you. They just don’t know how to show you that they are hurting too. Parents don’t always say what we mean. And sometimes it’s too late to take back what we said. I trust you both and know you’ll continue respecting our home. I am aware that you may feel the need to take this thing to the next level. I don’t encourage it, but if you do, please don’t do it in my house.”

She smiled, and they blushed. They still hadn’t moved past hugs and kisses. It was embarrassing just the same.

She continued, “Graye, you can stay as long as you need. I love you as if you’re my own. If you are searching for happiness and have found it in each other, I will be your biggest cheerleader. If this is just the love you want to share for now, I support that too. I just won’t get in the middle of anything that makes me uncomfortable.”

They both nodded their heads in agreement.

“All I ever wanted was a conversation,” Graye said. “I didn’t want to be accused of anything. I just wanted my mom and dad to—”

“Graye, they will come around eventually. Parents usually do that. You might feel lonely without them, until they do, but you have to know that they love you. It took time for you to get where you are today, it will take them time, too. Heck, it will take all of us some time. We have dreams laid out for our kids. These feelings you share don’t mean our dreams won’t come true. It just means that they’ll look a little different.”

What her Aunt Kyle was saying was starting to make sense of the things with Graye’s family. It didn’t make it hurt any less to know she had disgusted her dad, but it helped Graye see how they felt about the changes that came over her and her life. She wished they could’ve told her, but now at least she kind of had an idea.

“I see your mom every day, Graye. If I don’t see her, we talk on the phone, and we talk about you every time that we talk. She loves you even if, for now, it’s at a distance.”

Graye smiled and tears found their place on her eyelashes again. “I’m not happy about things either. I’m glad it’s Mackenzie, but we’re just trying to figure things out.”

“We hate that Hudson didn’t let us do this alone,” Mackenzie added. “He forced us to deal with it right away instead of when we were ready. Everyone else knows now because of him.”

“We wanted to feel better before others knew,” Graye said. “We didn’t get a chance.”

Her Aunt Kyle gave a sincere look. “I know. People are mean. Especially when they think they’ve been wronged.”

Mackenzie sat up on the edge of her bed. “He broke up with me.”

Mackenzie’s mother rubbed her back. “He was protecting his image. Your father dealt with him, so I don’t think he’ll bother you anymore.”

“I hope so. I don’t need him following me around.”

“Next time I tell you I don’t like someone you bring home, make sure you listen.” Mackenzie’s mom smiled and they laughed.

“I hope you like who I brought home this time,” Mackenzie joked, looking in Graye’s direction.

She grinned, winked at Mackenzie, and then said, “Yeah, I think I like her.” Then her face turned more serious again. “Listen, I love you both and I will do my best to support you. That’s all I can do. I can’t make anyone else do better. I can only do my best.”

Graye sniffled as the tears she’d tried to hold in rapidly rolled down her face like a waterfall. Her aunt scooted over and hugged her, giving Graye the love and comfort she longed for at home.

Mackenzie came closer and hugged them both, too. In that moment Graye had all that she needed.

Mackenzie’s mother laughed and beamed with pride when they modeled the t-shirts for her. “It’s so much better sometimes to face things head on,” she said before she walked out of the room.

“Mackenzie, I wanted to go down by the railroad tracks tonight,” Graye said. “I think best there.”

“Let’s go then.”

Graye wanted to go alone but knew it wouldn’t go over well, so they hopped into a cab and rode in silence. They gave the driver ten bucks extra to wait a few minutes for them. Then they walked hand in hand down toward the tracks where Hudson took the video that exposed the changes in their friendship.

Graye reached deep into her pocket, removing the letter she’d written earlier. She felt like she was being held hostage by her life. In order to be free, starting tomorrow, she needed to let things go.

They sat down on the bank of the stream, and took in the peace that they found in their reflections in the water, and then Graye opened her letter, reading it aloud to Mackenzie.

“Dear Life, I don’t appreciate you wreaking havoc on me, but I do thank you for showing me how it feels to love. Some days it will hurt, and others days it won’t. I just want to get through this without causing myself, or anyone else, any harm. I woke up unaware of the feelings that had been dormant in my life. Now I see and feel differently. It’s not all bad. It’s not all good. It just is.”

She looked at Mackenzie. “I don’t question why I love Mackenzie anymore. I don’t know if I will like women all of my life. But I think I will. I will find my place in this world and hope Mackenzie stands with me. I want to be okay. Now, I know that I will be. I am not different—love is love. And I plan on living and loving, with Mackenzie by my side.”

Mackenzie placed her arm around Graye’s shoulders.

Graye blinked back her tears. “Goodbye, sad life. I wish you the best as my journey to find myself begins—Me”

Mackenzie leaned her head on Graye’s shoulder. “We have come pretty far, huh?”

“We sure have. It’s just the beginning, though.”

“But this is a start. No more running.”

“No more running.”

Graye grabbed a nearby stick and began to dig into the ground. She’d buried some of her other private thoughts in different spots here over the years, too. It was sort of like her secret place. Once she’d concealed her thoughts here near the stream, she never saw them again—but she knew they grew into each new moment in her life.

Mackenzie looked confused but didn’t interrupt when Graye grabbed her hand.

“Okay. I can hardly breathe, but I am going to say this.”

She nodded once and squeezed Mackenzie’s hand tighter, then Graye took a deep breath. “Look, I am growing into these feelings, but while I was running away from them, the like somehow managed to turn into love, and now my love has been begging me to ask you a question.”

Mackenzie smiled and looked at Graye expectantly.

“Okay.” Graye breathed out. “Mackenzie Brandeis, will you please be my girlfriend?”

Mackenzie almost knocked Graye to the ground as she wrapped her arms around her. “Yes,” she screamed. Then she giggled. “And, it’s about time—sheesh.”

Graye beamed, in her heart and her smile. “I don’t know if two girls can be high school sweethearts like my parents were, but I’m taking a chance on it—I have to. Mackenzie, you are the best thing in my life. I never knew I needed you, but now I am paying attention to my feelings. Especially since I can’t outrun them.”

They kissed, then turned and walked back to the cab. “Oh, since I finally answered your letter, do you still want it back?”

“No. I got what I wanted.” Mackenzie laced her fingers with Graye’s.

“Good, I wanted to keep it with my stuff to remember the exact day my life changed.” She’d bury it next time she came. “I don’t know if what I feel will last forever, but I hope that it does.”

“Are you ready for tomorrow?”

“As ready as I can be.”

They got in the taxi and the driver drove along, not fazed by their kissing and giggling, as he took them home. He didn’t even glance at them in the mirror. Graye only hoped the armor they had started covering themselves with would be enough to protect them tomorrow, and when they had to deal with the rest of the world. They were ready. They wouldn’t be walking hand in hand, but they were ready for the stares and glares.

Let the battles begin.

The next day arrived faster than they had expected. They left for school and walked down to the bus stop wearing their courage, and their in-your-face shirts.

When Micah got onto the bus, he wore the biggest smile on his face. He ran back toward them, wrapping them both up in his arms. “Even though you didn’t give me an update on your status,” he smiled, “I am so glad you could join us for school. And, I am digging the shirts.”

This bus ride seemed a little lighter than the last one. On that last ride, Graye was carrying the weight of her world on her shoulders. The weight was still there, but she had learned to balance it a little better.

“Oh, and let me officially welcome you ladies to the team,” Micah winked.

Graye smiled, although Mackenzie didn’t understand what he meant. “I’ll explain it to you later,” Graye told her.

“Yeah, because that flew over my head.”

Graye had missed the joke the first time Micah became excited about adding them to the roster, too. She wasn’t sure if her name would be etched in stone, but right now she had moved closer to accepting that it should be there. At least the thought of it being there didn’t hurt as much.

He stared at their t-shirts. “Wearing those shirts leaves no room for assumptions or questions.”

“That’s the plan.”

“I think it’s so ingenious!” He slapped the seat next to him. They all laughed and rode the bus to school talking the entire way. It was evident that Micah had missed them as he managed to talk non-stop.

When they pulled up behind the other buses, they saw both of their mothers standing outside. They waited their turn to get off. Graye couldn’t believe her mother actually came. She knew that Mackenzie’s mother would. Not because she told them that she would be there, but because her support had been consistent.

Directly behind Graye’s mother stood Sylver, Stephanie, and a group of their friends.

“All right, we have the makings of a Warwick Valley High School mini-pride march outside,” Micah joked.

They laughed and looked out the window. “I thought the t-shirts would be too much. Look at all of these people. Overkill.” Graye rubbed her stomach trying to settle her nerves, but it didn’t work.

They had run away so they didn’t have to face their fears, or their classmates. Today, in this moment, they realized that they might have had a little more support than they’d thought. They weren’t sure how it would’ve been a few weeks ago. Today was what mattered.

There were lots of students lingering outside. They weren’t sure why this happened, but it made it easier to get off of the bus. Their relationship status just changed and they had changed some too. They needed this to keep growing. It was only two more weeks, and then they had an entire year to finish.

Graye quickly realized how tiring it was to figure out who you really are, and it becomes worse when outsiders get involved. Life with Mackenzie and Graye might not last forever, they knew that, but they needed to survive their now. Being at school, after time off hiding from the stares, was a little nerve wracking. With or without their families here, Graye’s stomach danced.

“After you, ladies,” Micah said, letting them off the bus before him.

She and Mackenzie walked down the steps.

Hudson ran up to Mackenzie. “I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I broke up with you, and you didn’t deserve it. Even if you broke up with me.”

Mackenzie smirked, but didn’t respond. She knew that her father, and the charges he’d threatened to bring against Hudson, had motivated his apology. Hudson Clarke apologized to no one for anything. His apology drifted in the wind with some of her fears.

Graye’s mother wore a small, apologetic smile. “I’m sorry, Graye. I love you with all of my heart. I may not understand, but give me time. Hopefully, I’ll come around.”

“What about Daddy?”

“Well,” she looked down at the ground. “I don’t know. All I know is we both love you. We all have to deal with it in our own time.”

“Yeah.”

Then it hit her. She still didn’t want to go home whether they were going to try to do better or not. “Do I have to come home?”

Her mother grinned. “No. It wouldn’t be good for anybody right now. You need time, and so do we.”

Graye hugged her mother. In the distance she saw her dad and Uncle Lance, Mackenzie’s father. They stood leaning alongside their police car, watching. She smiled at the sight of them. Even if her dad didn’t say anything, what mattered was that he was there.

She stood near Mackenzie. Then Mackenzie walked over and hugged her mother. “Thank you for being here, and not hating me.”

“I’m your mother. You’d have to do an awful lot for me to stop loving you.”

Graye knew it took a lot for them to be here, and she was grateful they came. Love was love, and kids didn’t deserve to have limits placed on the love their parents gave.

Then Micah chimed in. “Um, can I get a t-shirt too?”

They all started laughing.

Sylver waved in her direction. Graye didn’t speak—it was too soon for that—but she nodded at her sister. Graye expected her family to bend, but she wasn’t quite ready to do the same. She needed to take some of her own advice soon and try to forgive them.

Mackenzie and Graye walked into the school amidst the stares, but it wasn’t close to what they’d expected. They heard whispers, but no one said anything directly to them. Hudson had stolen, and then shared, their private moment. It was just a kiss, but it was theirs, no one else’s.

The name calling stayed at a whisper, although, Kayla and Kristen stood by their threats and didn’t talk to Mackenzie. She smiled at them, but they immediately turned and looked the other way. Then they started whispering and pointing.

They had a few more minutes before they had to go to their classes. Micah had already gone to his. Graye closed her locker door. “Are you okay, Mackenzie?”

“I guess I’ll be okay,” Mackenzie smiled, shrugging her shoulders slightly.

“Me too.”

“It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, getting off of the bus,” Mackenzie said.

“Too many people for me.” Graye looked around at the familiar, yet unfamiliar, hallways. Really, the school hadn’t changed, she supposed, but she had. “Let’s just get through today.”

“Yeah, and after this week, we got one left.”

It wasn’t going to be easy. They didn’t know who was still talking to them, and who wasn’t anymore. It was going to be a minefield of emotions this first day back. They’d find out who their real friends were and who was too afraid to be their friend.

“It hurts when people who you thought were your friends turn out not to be,” Graye said.

“It sucks, to say the least,” Mackenzie agreed.

“I still wish we were at home.”

“Yeah.”

Her life had gone off course because Graye’s heart had decided to see Mackenzie in a different way. She’d allowed it to consume every part of her, the fear causing her to make some less-than-stellar decisions. That fear had lessened some, and Graye was glad of that. Otherwise, she would still be trying to fight the world.

Together they had allowed Hudson’s two-minute video to further upset their world, forcing them to run. Then, they had allowed their feet to think them through it, instead of their minds. Looking back, it really made no sense.

With a fresh gulp of air in their lungs and a fresh outlook on their situation, Graye and Mackenzie separated and went off to their classes. “Have a good day, Mackenzie. See you at lunch.”

Mackenzie smiled and Graye watched her go down the hallway knowing she would see her at lunch and in all of her afternoon classes. Even better, she and her girlfriend would be going home together to work on getting Graye’s room set up. Graye smiled and slipped into homeroom unnoticed.

Mrs. Dawning smiled at her when she realized Graye was in the classroom. Then she asked the class to write in their journals.

Graye didn’t know if her teacher knew what was going on, but at least she wasn’t going to make things harder by welcoming Graye back to class or drawing attention to her. Graye took out her journal and pen, never looking up again until just before the bell rang. She looked over her classroom journal entry.

June thirteenth.

Today I look out over the classroom, noticing the stares and waiting for the name calling to roll in once I go back out into the hallway. I’m ready. I won’t take it all on the chin, but I have to get through it. What they think of me doesn’t matter. What I think of me does. I know that I can’t make people like me—or even understand me. I can only ask for their respect.

The last few months are a blur, but I survived, and amazingly, things have gotten better. I never believed adults when they said to just give things time. Now I do. Hopefully time will continue to make everything better. During this school year, I experienced an awakening, and no matter how rough a time it was, I’m glad it happened. In the midst of it all, I found love. I hope that it lasts forever, but if not, I’m glad at least, that my heart encouraged me to focus and follow where it was leading me.

This summer I’ll breathe a little easier while enjoying learning about first love. Then, next year, I can focus on my final year of school and continue growing…

She couldn’t believe she wrote that. It was like saying it out loud and she liked the way it sounded.

Chapter Twenty

When Graye got out into the hallway she saw Mackenzie leaning up against the wall with students surrounding her. She sped over to see if Mackenzie was okay. When Graye reached where she was, the words she heard and the horrified look in Mackenzie’s eyes said that she wasn’t.

Graye stepped up, her heartbeat escalating. She reined it in as best as she could, not wanting this to go to another level. “Mackenzie, what’s going on?”

Erika was up in Mackenzie’s face and now she turned to Graye. “Isn’t that cute. You’re sticking up for your girlfriend.” She sang it into the hallway.

“Yes, I am. What’s the problem, Erika?” Graye moved closer to Erika, ready to pounce if she had to.

“There is no problem. We wanted to make sure she didn’t touch any of us.” Erika gestured to the other girls standing around.

“What?”

“We have gym class later, and didn’t want her messing with us in the locker room.”

Graye was just trying to figure out if she should actually slap the stupidity right out of Erika’s mouth, when Micah appeared, saving Erika from an ass whipping.

Before Graye could say anything, Micah chimed in. “Ladies, you didn’t get the memo?”

Erika rolled her eyes. “What memo?”

He smiled. “The one that explains that just because someone likes girls doesn’t mean they like you.” He laughed loudly in her face. “That includes boys that like girls too,” Micah tossed over his shoulder. “Now, leave them alone.”

“Whatever.”

Graye looked over at Mackenzie while the crowd forming in the hallway laughed at Erika.

Micah stopped and turned back around. “And no one else better bother these girls either. I’ll be letting Coach Carton know. If you want to stay on the squad, I suggest you forget what you think you know about them.”

Everyone knew that Erika and her friends lived to cheer, and Graye hoped his threat encouraged them to leave her and Mackenzie alone.

Principal Brown stepped up to them. “What’s the problem here?”

“Is there a problem, Erika?” Micah asked.

She just looked, signaled to her friends, and walked away.

“Let’s get to class,” Principal Brown yelled over the loud group of students.

Graye decided to walk Mackenzie to class. “Come on, I’ll walk with you.”

Mackenzie nodded then turned to Micah. “Thank you,” she said.

Micah touched her arm. “No thanks needed. That’s what friends are for.”

Mackenzie walked down the hallway with tears in her eyes and Graye by her side. “Don’t worry about them. Remember, what they think of us doesn’t matter.”

Mackenzie wiped her tears. “You’re right, Graye, and I’ll try.”

They stopped in front of Mackenzie’s classroom. “Text me if you need me,” Graye told her. “We are in this together.”

Mackenzie sniffled then drew in a deep breath. “Okay. See you later—and thanks.”

Graye nudged her. “Always. If she bothers you again, let me know. And don’t take gym today. It’s not a real class anyway.”

Mackenzie forced a laugh as she went into her classroom. Graye turned to go toward hers.

So much for their quiet entrance back into school. It just got a little louder. She walked down the empty hallway, late to class, but she didn’t care. She cared that Mackenzie was okay.

Graye opened the door to her classroom and it seemed like every head turned around, staring at her. She heard the snickering and decided to ignore it. She walked toward her desk.

Mikal stuck his foot out. It was one of the oldest bully tactics in the book, but she saw it too late.

Within seconds Graye and her books were on the floor. Her classmates roared loudly. In that moment she had to make a decision. She had to decide if she was going to get up and brush herself off, or deal with Mikal the way she had dealt with Sylver.

Before she could even try to get back up, he made the decision for her. Graye felt his sneaker press down in the center of her back. She couldn’t believe that she had gone unnoticed for all of these years and then became the center of attention without even trying.

“Get off of me.” Where was the teacher anyway?

“Um…no,” he said.

Mikal pressed more weight onto her back, and then she heard Jess say, “Here comes Mr. Glass. Here he comes.” Then Jess ran and sat back down in her seat.

Mikal turned to say something to Jess and in one swift move Graye rolled over and punched him in his crotch. He fell onto the floor and she hopped up. When Mr. Glass entered the room, Graye was standing over Mikal with her fists balled, ready to take him out.

He looked around the room. “What’s going on in here?”

No one answered him.

She couldn’t. She was pissed and trying to catch her breath.

Mikal was on the ground moaning, when James spoke. “She walked in and hit him for no reason. He didn’t do anything to her.”

Mr. Glass looked at Graye. “What happened?”

She wasn’t going to answer him, but she refused to be blamed for something she didn’t do. Graye lived like that at home and wouldn’t spend the next two weeks dealing with it at school.

She took a breath. “I walked in, he tripped me, and then he put his foot on my back and pushed me into the floor. He wouldn’t let me up. Jess was watching the door. Mikal was hurting me, and as soon as he was distracted, I punched him in the crotch.”

Graye tried to relax her fists, but her anger wouldn’t let her move. She glared down at Mikal, who was still looking wounded and trying to act like the victim.

“Now, James, that sounds more like the truth to me. You two,” he pointed at James and Jess, “will be staying after school today. I hope you don’t have plans.”

They both sighed.

“Now, Mikal, get up off of the floor and go to the office. I am recommending you get a few days vacation.”

She was glad Mr. Glass had come back to the classroom. She’d still be eating the dirt off of the floor, if he hadn’t.

Mikal got up. “You may have won this round, but I’ll get you next time—dyke.”

Before she knew it, she had her fist in his mouth, and Mikal flew back and hit the floor. Without a word, Graye picked her books, and humiliation, up off of the floor.

Mr. Glass yelled at her. “Ms. Moon!”

Graye didn’t wait to hear him tell her to go to the office. She turned and walked directly to Principal Brown’s office. She was so done already and the day had just started.

Graye walked down the hallway, shoulders tight and fists wound up. She knew it was too good to be true that things would be okay. She sat down in the office.

Ms. Curtis looked surprised to see her. “Why are you down here?”

Graye couldn’t get the words out. She was trying to breathe and calm down, when Mikal came walking into the main office. He was holding the right side of his face. It was red and swelling. He glared in her direction as if she was supposed to be afraid of him. She glared back, letting him know they could go a full round if he wanted.

Ms. Curtis looked at Graye, then back at Mikal, trying to figure out what happened. “What happened to your face?” Ms. Curtis asked. “It’s red and really swollen.”

“Mr. Glass told me to come down here. She hit me for nothing.”

Ms. Curtis looked at Graye. “Well, Mikal, I highly doubt that. I bet you’ll leave her alone now, huh?”

Mikal grunted. “Whatever.”

Graye didn’t want to be in the same room with him, so she glared out of the big windows in the main office instead—they went from the ceiling down to the floor, huge and distracting.

Principal Brown opened her door and poked her head out after Ms. Curtis called her to tell her that Graye and Mikal were both there.

“Ms. Moon, you can come in first.”

“Mr. Michaels, go over there and sit down. Actually, go get some ice from the nurse. Then I will come and get you.”

Graye followed Principal Brown into her office, it had windows the same as those out by Ms. Curtis’ desk and she could see into the hallway. Graye looked around the room at the big bookcases full of books. It reminded her of movies that had humongous houses with spiral staircases. She watched Mikal walk down the hallway toward Nurse Dreher’s office.

Principal Brown sat down behind her desk, put her face on her hands, and focused on Graye. “What happened?”

Graye sighed. This story was already getting old. She sucked it up and told her the same exact story that she told Mr. Glass. She explained that this occurred with no adult in the room, and that she’d felt threatened. Graye explained that she felt like she had no other choice but to fight back.

That was the truth. She had felt alone, as she lay with her face pressed into the floor and his foot pushing down on her back.

Principal Brown reassured Graye that she would deal with Mikal. She also explained that Graye couldn’t spend the rest of the school year fighting. While she was talking, Graye noticed Mackenzie walk past her window. Her face told her story—she was having a rough class too.

Principal Brown had noticed it too. She pushed the intercom. “Ms. Curtis? Tell Ms. Brandeis to come in here, please.”

She did and Mackenzie walked into the office, closing the door behind her. She looked surprised to see Graye in there.

“Hello, Ms. Brandeis. Take a seat please.”

Mackenzie mumbled, “Hi,” and then sat down next to Graye.

“What happened in class?”

“Nothing, I just need to go home.”

Graye was feeling the exact same way, but didn’t want to say it out loud. She had tried. Coming back to school didn’t work out as planned. Actually, the day had been going exactly the way she had initially thought it would. The mini-pride march, as Micah had called it, couldn’t hide the hate that existed underneath. Maybe they wouldn’t have to be at Warwick Valley High School forever, but they had to finish the year, and it could sure feel like forever. If today was an indication of how it would be, Graye didn’t want any part of it.

“Ms. Brandeis, you will have to finish out the school year. You’ve already missed a significant amount of time.”

“Well, I’m going to talk to my parents about that. I don’t know if I can.”

“You can’t keep running from your problems.”

Mackenzie rolled her eyes and folded her arms. “But, Ms. Brown, I don’t have any problems. They have a problem with me,” she looked at Graye, “that is, a problem with us.”

Graye nodded her head in agreement.

Principal Brown looked out the window then back at the girls. “People all over the world will have problems with the things you do, things you say, or how you live. You can’t keep running.”

“They don’t have to like me. What happened to respect—or at least minding your own business?”

Principal Brown shook her head and raised her hands in defeat. There were no words to answer that question.

“I am sorry for how you’ve been treated, girls. I really am. I had hoped that things would be better.”

Graye shrugged. “Most kids are okay. It’s just some.”

“Yeah, but one student, or one hundred, is too many,” Principal Brown said with conviction.

Mackenzie started crying, her tear-filled eyes looking to the principal. “They told me not to take gym class. They said they were too afraid to change in front of me.” Mackenzie put her head into her hands. “I am not going to hurt anyone.”

As if on cue, Principal Brown grabbed her box of tissues off the desk and passed them to Mackenzie.

“They’re just being silly. They have known you all of your life. They know that you’re not going to bother them. I will deal with them.”

“You can’t. They’ll stop while you’re there, and go back to calling me names as soon as I’m alone again.”

“I want you to rethink not finishing school. You can’t quit when things get too hard. Otherwise, you will spend the rest of your life quitting things.”

Graye didn’t see this as quitting—she saw it as surviving. She didn’t plan on coming to school fighting each day. That wasn’t going to help her learn anything but self-defense.

“When I was a kid,” Principal Brown began, “I was the tallest, skinniest girl in the school. I used to get picked on every day because of it, and I cried every day.” She paused, looking out of her window.

Graye thought she looked like she was back in the moment. That’s how long bullying stays with a person—their whole entire lives. No matter how successful or important they become, a small part of them will always feel like that child, bullied and crying on the playground.

Principal Brown took a deep breath and continued. “Each day that I went to school, I came home begging my parents to transfer me. I mean, I really begged them. And each day my mom would tell me that she would come with me the next day and transfer me to another school. I’d go to bed at night excited, but she always had an excuse to not transfer me. I went back, and the bullying and tears continued.”

Graye and Mackenzie watched her quietly.

“Then one day, Mr. Hinton, the gym teacher, asked me to help his basketball team because they didn’t have enough players. Reluctantly I agreed. Then before I knew it, my height actually brought me good attention. The kids stopped picking on me because I was the only one in the entire school who could slam dunk. Not even the boys could do it.” A smile brushed across her face, as if she could see herself running up and down the court bringing her team to victory.

“What does that have to do with us?” Graye asked.

She smiled at them. “In an instant, the tall, lanky underdog became the best basketball player in Orange County, New York. Overnight. One game. I became someone different. I became more than that in their eyes, and even more importantly, in my own. If my mom had transferred me and allowed me to quit, I would have missed the opportunity to learn to love my height. If I would’ve changed schools I might not have gone on to play basketball in college, or the WNBA. Once you quit one thing, it is easier to quit everything you don’t want to do. I don’t want that for you. I couldn’t stop growing even when I already stood taller than everyone, including my teachers. I couldn’t stop that, any more than you two, or anyone else, can stop how you feel inside.”

“I can’t change the way they feel about me either. It’s not the same. How can I use this to my advantage?”

“Maybe you can’t, but once you change how you feel about you, they will matter less. And you never know. Maybe someday you will go on to become someone who helps young people deal with their differences, or maybe you will speak out on bullying and help schools across the country re-examine their policies.”

Mackenzie shrugged.

“Just remember, the opinion of a few means nothing. It may feel like it does, but it really doesn’t. You just have to keep standing tall. They will try to knock you down, verbally, and possibly physically. But by coming to school, you are telling them that they won’t succeed.”

Graye raised her hand slightly. “I have a question about something you said before.”

“What is it?” Principal Brown asked.

“What did you mean by change how we feel about ourselves?”

“I mean that things will change when you find comfort in your feelings, and who you have become. You will care less about what others think.”

“We’re trying to understand and accept our feelings,” Mackenzie added.

Principal Brown looked out of her office windows, into the hallway. Then she looked back. “Students in this building—those now, and every student before them—embark on a personal journey to find themselves. The popular kids, the smart kids, the loners, and everyone else in between—they all have to find something, anything, to hold onto that will lead them in the right direction. Some plan on going to college, others to a trade school, and some join the military. Each one of them, no matter their choice, has to reach inside to find their own truth. This is your journey. Don’t let anyone tell you who you are, or what’s best for you. Only you can make that decision.”

“No one should have to change who they are to make other people happy,” Mackenzie said.

“You’re absolutely right. Each one of us has a life to live. I wouldn’t change things I like because someone else doesn’t like it. Who you love doesn’t hurt anyone else. They may disagree, and that is their prerogative, but don’t allow them to choose for you, or change the choices you make for yourself.”

Graye had never really talked to Principal Brown, not on this level. She’d had no idea that Principal Brown had such wisdom to share, or that she had gone through her own bullying nightmare. Her words rang so true and really meant a lot today.

Principal Brown leaned back and clasped her hands on the desk. “Now, you can spend the rest of the day here, or you can go home early. But I do expect you to return tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that. I also expect—and hope—that you finish your senior year here at Warwick Valley High School.”

Graye and Mackenzie exchanged a look, then their eyes caught movement in the hallway. Graye saw Mikal walking back passed the window, clearly disregarding the principal’s instruction to wait for her in Nurse Dreher’s office.

“You two may go.”

Graye and Mackenzie stood up. Mikal walked into the main office carrying the ice pack on his face just as they were walking out.

“Ms. Moon? Ms. Brandeis?”

They both turned back to look at Principal Brown.

“I’m going to open up the conference room and have a meeting with the students that have been causing problems. Please, go sit in there after you give Ms. Curtis the list of girls trying to run my school. I need to deal with Mr. Michaels here first. Then we can meet.”

They walked back out to Ms. Curtis’ desk, Principal Brown speaking behind them. “Ms. Curtis, please give them a pen and paper. Now, Mr. Michaels, it’s nice to see you again. Please, come in.”

Mikal got up and went into Principal Brown’s office.

“Today is the last day of school for you and your ice pack. Let’s call your parents.”

That was the last thing they heard her say before she shut the door.

“He’ll get his,” Ms. Curtis said.

Mackenzie quickly wrote down the names of the girls that were bothering her. After she gave it to Ms. Curtis, she and Graye went and sat down in the other room to wait.

Graye spoke first. “This sucks.”

Mackenzie followed. “I am going to text my mom. I want to go home.”

Graye wanted to leave too, but she wasn’t so sure they should anymore. Principal Brown’s words resonated in her. “I do too, but do you think we should?”

“I don’t know what I think.”

Graye watched Mackenzie send her mother a text. Her mother replied right away that she loved her and was on her way.

“Do they really think I’ll touch them, Graye?”

“I think they want to think that.” Graye wanted to lighten up the mood.

“We barely even touch each other,” Mackenzie said.

They managed to laugh. That was true. A kiss here and there, hugs from time to time, but nothing more than that. They changed the status, but their status stayed the same, at least compared to what most of their classmates were doing. Graye and Mackenzie spent time together watching TV, or doing fun stuff, while their bullying classmates were doing much more—this was clear by all the pregnant girls walking around.

Sure they were two girls in love, but their love was a lot more innocent.

Chapter Twenty-One

They sat in the conference room talking while waiting for Principal Brown and the other students to come. Graye wasn’t looking forward to confronting them, but they had to if they were going to finish school here at Warwick Valley High School.

Principal Brown came in, with the cheerleaders following behind her. Erika sighed loudly, pulled her chair away from Mackenzie, and slammed down into it.

Principal Brown looked at her. “I strongly suggest you pull yourself together, young lady.”

Erika sucked her teeth loudly, and Principal Brown glared at her.

“I brought you all down here because I needed to find out what your problem is. What people do in their personal lives should have no effect on your life. I know you’re doing your best to make it your business, but it isn’t. I heard the things you said about Ms. Brandeis. I guess I just need to understand why. Why are you bothering someone that isn’t bothering you?” She was looking directly at Erika.

Erika rolled her eyes and stared down at her hands as if they were the most interesting things in the room. She didn’t answer.

Principal Brown looked around the room at the rest of the cheerleaders. None of them answered either. They would follow Erika’s example—she was their leader, after all.

“One of you better answer me before I call Coach Carton. You won’t be cheerleading again at this school if you don’t.”

Erika sighed louder than she did before.

How melodramatic. Graye tried hard not to roll her eyes.

Mackenzie looked around the room, and then interjected “I haven’t done anything to any of you! What I do in my life is my business—just like your life is your business.”

Erika tried folding her arms tighter than they already were. “Well, we don’t like what you’re doing in your life.”

“And that’s fine, but it doesn’t make it your business, and you’re not going to disrespect me because of it.”

Erika sneered and pulled her light jacket tight around her chest as if hiding her body. “Well, I don’t want you looking at me—like that—in the locker room.”

“You are too funny. Are you really that full of yourself?”

“You’re missing the picture,” Graye chimed. “We like each other. We don’t like you.”

Mackenzie laughed. “Don’t flatter yourself, Erika. I don’t find you attractive.”

Erika huffed and then sang, “Whatever,” in her most annoying, teenage prima donna voice.

Graye found that amusing. She was proud of how Mackenzie was standing up for herself. “That’s like saying every boy likes you, because they like girls,” she pointed out.

Erika didn’t answer.

Principal Brown sat up and looked around the room. “Look, the dialogue you’re having is good, but I need you all to understand something.” She leaned forward. “If I hear word that any of you are bothering Ms. Brandeis, Ms. Moon, or any of my other students, you will be expelled from my school. In this school there is a zero tolerance rule. Are you familiar with that?”

Erika looked lost. “Um…”

“Well, it means that if you and your friends bully any student at my school, then I am under no obligation to keep you here. You will be expelled, and it will show up on your transcript. Therefore, I strongly suggest that you make a decision to do better. You, ladies,” she said pointing to Erika’s smirking little puppets, “I know it might be a little scary for you, but you might want to consider thinking for yourselves once in a while. If you’re a bystander to any bullying by your fearless leader, you will be expelled, too.”

The girls looked at each other, surprised.

“You need to understand something. There are consequences to everything that you do—in life and in this school. Your actions here will affect your futures. If you bully here, you will have to find a new school. And another thing, you won’t see each other after next year anyway, unless you attend the same college. So, I know you’re BFFs now, but there’s a great chance that you won’t be later. Life after high school is vastly different, and your choice of friends will mature as you do. Some of you may grow up and wonder why you ever allowed someone else’s shallow and phobic behavior to dictate your own.”

Graye spoke up. “Bottom line is, we don’t bother you—don’t you bother us.”

Erika rolled her eyes, which seemed like her go to answer for everything. “Is that a threat?”

Graye stared at her. Was she really such a self-absorbed airhead? “No. Unlike some other people, I don’t make threats. You can think of it more like a promise. I am living my own life, and you need to focus on yours.”

Principal Brown shot a warning look at Graye.

“What?” She shrugged. “I didn’t threaten her. My dad is a cop. Mackenzie’s dad is a cop. We’ll file charges. Is that better?”

Principal Brown nodded her head in agreement. She turned back to the cheerleading squad. “In life, you will meet people who might live a life you wouldn’t choose. And guess what? They might not like the way you live either. When you walk out the doors of Warwick Valley High School next June, real life awaits you—real people await. There might be people that don’t like you, or what you represent to them. What if a coworker treats you mean, or refuses to respect you?”

Erika stared at Principal Brown. Graye could tell she was thinking.

“Everybody likes me. So, I don’t have to worry about that,” Erika announced arrogantly.

Principal Brown decided to ignore that comment. She leaned forward and placed her hands on her desk emphatically. “Respect each other’s differences, or pick another school to attend. I won’t tolerate it, and the law says I don’t have to.” She leaned back and crossed her arms.

Some of the girls took that as their cue to stand to leave.

“Sit,” she said sternly. “One more thing, ladies. I’m going to call each of your parents. Mrs. Brandeis is out in the main office now, and she has requested that all the parents meet this week so that we are all on the same page. While your behavior is ultimately your own responsibility at your age, your parents retain some culpability for keeping you on track. We have one week after this one, and an entire school year to follow. So, if for any reason you don’t think you’re able to act accordingly, we can start the transfer process now.”

Principal Brown looked around, letting her words hang above the girls’ heads. “Zero tolerance, ladies. Now, go back to class, and your parents will know when to come back to school with you.”

They all stood up, and Erika rolled her eyes one time too many as she turned and stomped out in a huff.

Principal Brown stood and marched on Erika’s heels. She pointed unforgivingly and escorted Erika straight back into her office. She nudged the door behind her but it didn’t close completely. Her angry words resonated out to their ears. “You wanted to know what zero tolerance is. I thought I told you, but it seems you need me to show you—I have had enough, Erika. Your summer vacation begins tomorrow. Your parents will have to come in and then we’ll decide if you’ll be cheering here next year.”

Graye heard Erika start sobbing dramatically as Mackenzie walked over to greet her mother.

She had a concerned look instead of her usual beautiful smile. “What’s going on?”

Mackenzie didn’t cry, but it was clear from the thin line that her lush lips had become, that she was fighting to keep it inside. “I want to go home, Mom.”

Her mother wrapped Mackenzie in a hug, then placed one arm around Graye’s shoulder and the other around Mackenzie. “Let’s go, girls. Ms. Curtis, please tell Principal Brown to let me know when the meeting has been scheduled. It needs to be soon or I will make an official complaint against these students.”

“I sure will.” Ms. Curtis nodded.

Principal Brown stuck her head out of the door. “I hope to see you ladies in school tomorrow.”

They both looked at her, but neither one of them said anything. Graye didn’t want to come back tomorrow, but she wasn’t going to let them beat her either. Still, she had to think about it. She was working on making less impulsive decisions in her life.

They walked quietly out to the car, and then Mackenzie gave the details of their first day back at school as they drove home.

Her mother looked at Graye in the rearview mirror. “You knocked him out?” she asked.

“Well, I knocked him down, Aunt Kyle, but I don’t think I knocked him out.”

“I bet he won’t mess with you again.” She smiled.

“I won’t know until next year,” Graye said. “He was suspended until then.”

Back at the house, they watched television and spent time talking about the next day at school, and their futures.

Graye hadn’t decided what she was going to do after high school, but she knew she’d need an education. Mackenzie wanted to be a nurse and she couldn’t be one without a diploma either. So, without actually saying it, they made the decision to go back to school.

The meeting was held the next day, after Principal Brown had told the other parents that their kids couldn’t return without them coming in too.

Graye looked around as everyone filed into the small conference room. No one, including her and Mackenzie, looked like they wanted to be there—but Erika, Hudson, and Mikal especially looked like they wanted to bolt.

Principal Brown started the meeting once every parent and student had arrived. She explained what happened with Hudson and the video that went around the school. She told the parents that as a result of what happened the day before, all of the students could have been expelled.

Then she turned to Graye. “And you’ll be suspended if you don’t stop fighting.”

Graye squirmed as everyone glanced her way. She nodded at Principal Brown, hoping the focus would be directed elsewhere.

Then Principal Brown spoke briefly about respect, and reiterated that she wouldn’t tolerate bullying in any form toward, or from, any of her students.

Mackenzie’s mom then addressed the group. “I know that kids will be kids. That isn’t the issue here. You can’t knock someone on the ground because you don’t like how he or she lives, looks, or acts. That is the highest level of disrespect. Name calling hurts, but physical abuse is wrong on all levels. I have raised my children to respect others. Life is made up of all types of people. Bottom line is you think what you’re doing is funny—but it isn’t.”

Some of the kids in the room smirked, and a few of the parents smacked their arms.

Graye’s mother spoke up next. “I know each of you parents will go to the ends of the earth to protect your children. Please, don’t think for one moment that we won’t do the same. Don’t let their goals for their futures be decided based on the last few weeks. I can speak for both families when I say we will have your children arrested, and will press charges against them. It is not a threat. It is my guarantee to you that I will do what I have to do to protect my child.”

Graye smiled on the inside, listening to her mother’s words. Some of the parents were already a little stiff when they sat down, and with those words they actually got more uptight. Others became blatantly disruptive, talking at the same time and shifting angrily in their seats.

Principal Brown quieted the room down. “Help me understand why you’re getting upset? Your children are hitting their peers, harassing them, sending videos around the Internet, and being outright rude to two students that they see as different. No one is doing anything to them. I suggest you all think about that, before you get upset about this. Your children are the bullies.”

Erika clearly felt braver with her parents beside her. “They are forcing their lifestyle on us and we don’t like it.” A few other students nodded in agreement.

Graye jumped in. “Actually, no. Hudson did that. We didn’t.”

He looked down at the floor when every eye in the room turned to him.

“He took our privacy away. He told everyone. We didn’t,” Mackenzie said. “He forced us to have to tell our parents, and he uploaded the video.”

“We didn’t want anyone to know about stuff we were going through privately. He took that choice away from us.” Graye was doing her best to keep her temper down and speak only the facts.

Mackenzie turned to Erika. “We have done nothing to you, Erika, or anyone else. You started bothering us.”

Then her mother spoke again. “Look, this is something that we have to deal with as a family. You have no right dictating how anyone lives their lives, especially our children.” She looked exasperated. “You may not like what we said about your child being arrested, but we don’t like our children being bullied. All we ask for is respect. Isn’t that what you want for your children?”

Hudson’s mother finally spoke. “As long as it doesn’t affect my son, it’s your business, not ours. I don’t agree with what they’re doing at all. But it’s not for me to judge. Hudson knows what he needs to do. I can’t tell you what he will do. That’s up to him.” She pinched Hudson’s arm. “I raised him to be better than that, but it’s up to him to choose to be better from now on.”

“Mikal won’t be returning to school next year with the same behavior.” It was his mother’s turn now. “He will be coming back with a new attitude. He knows that we don’t treat people this way. I didn’t raise him to be like this—hitting girls too. I’m glad she had the courage to hit him back. He’ll have a long summer of helping with chores around the house and he’ll be a new kid when he comes back. If not, I will have him arrested myself.” Mikal’s mother looked dead serious as he shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

Principal Brown took the floor again. “I can only hope that we finish the school year without further incident. I don’t want to see two good students transfer from this school because a small group of others won’t allow them to focus on their education. I love all of my students and would rather toss out the bad apples, and keep the gently bruised ones. Today is a new beginning here at Warwick Valley High.”

The parents in the room started mumbling again and Principal Brown put her hand up. “Quiet, everyone, please. The meeting is over, but I suggest you take your children home today. Take one more day to let things digest.”

One of the parents stood up with an angry look on his face. “I’m calling the superintendent.”

“That’s your choice. However, he has already given me the green light to do what I need. I don’t think you quite understand the seriousness of what your kids are doing. There are laws against hate crimes. You can be mad at me, if you need. That’s fine, but you need to focus on the problem, which are the actions of your children. Not mine.” Principal Brown smiled thinly.

Within minutes the disgruntled parents emptied the room, with their children lagging behind them.

“Thanks, Principal Brown,” Mackenzie’s mother said.

“Yes, thank you,” Graye’s mother added.

Principal Brown nodded at both of them.

Graye’s mom smiled, opened her arms and Graye walked into her mother’s embrace. “Thanks,” she whispered.

“Now are you two ladies staying or leaving?” Principal Brown asked.

Graye didn’t want to stay, she knew Mackenzie didn’t want to either, but they both shrugged their shoulders and said, “Staying,” in unison.

After hugging their moms tighter, they walked down the hallway towards lunch. Their stride was a little lighter, but they were still cautious. The rest of the other kids at lunch hadn’t been in the meeting, so Graye and Mackenzie didn’t know what to expect from them.

They ate lunch and then went to class. Principal Brown called an assembly during the second to last period. She talked about bullying and zero tolerance, and challenged each student to pay attention to how they treat their peers. She announced she was implementing a program in September called Be a Better Me.

After acknowledging that not all students were bullies, she addressed that she felt that everyone had room for self-improvement. Everyone could become better friends, neighbors, and people overall. She told everyone it would be a new day for all.

The teachers passed out the forms and Mackenzie and Graye signed up immediately. There would be professional athletes as mentors, and Graye was hopeful that it would encourage more students to sign up. It was less important to her why they joined, than the fact that it could go a long way to helping them understand each other’s differences.

All of this was happening because of them. Graye now understood what Principal Brown had meant when she explained to Mackenzie how their bullying experience related to her own. She was glad they stayed. Graye looked at Mackenzie as she applauded, smiling wide. This was a new day for them too. They needed it.

Chapter Twenty-Two

The days flew by, and the school year finished without Graye getting into any more fights. She was glad for the rest. She and Mackenzie did hear a few words they didn’t deserve, but they reported them to Ms. Arrington. She was the guidance counselor that would be helping Principal Brown run the new program at school.

She saw other students in Ms. Arrington’s office complaining, too. Graye knew she had to get stronger if this was going to be a relationship that lasted, and holding her chin up in the midst of hate was one way to do that.

Graye and Mackenzie signed up for some groups in the city at the LGBT center. They wanted to be around adults who had gone through what they were going through. They also wanted to be around kids like them, and at the center they were.

They both found summer jobs. Graye worked at Braeside Camp, where she used to go when she was younger. Like their mothers, Mackenzie got a job at St. Anthony’s Hospital. She wanted to use this summer to decide if she really wanted to be a nurse.

Graye was determined to go back to school stronger. After work, she went home to Mackenzie’s house and waited for her so they could go into the city, which is what they did on the days they weren’t working.

“I am so happy things are getting better,” Mackenzie said when she arrived home.

Graye smiled and nodded in agreement, realizing the weight on her shoulders had shifted a little more. “I don’t want to start the school year off the way it ended. I hope my parents come around. But if they don’t, I’ll deal with it differently.”

Graye now realized she wasn’t responsible for anyone else’s reactions to her lifestyle. She was only responsible for her response to them.

“I hope they do, too,” Mackenzie said. “You know, we never sat down and talked as a group. I wonder if our parents did it without us.”

“I’m not sure. I forgot about that.” She thought back to the day Mackenzie wanted them to sit down with her mother. She hadn’t thought about it since then. The image of her mother squirming popped back into her head. She was glad that they’d moved further from that day.

Mackenzie and Graye hopped off the train, and walked over to the community center. They spoke to all of the people hanging around the entryway, as they walked hand in hand, immediately embracing the safe zone.

At the end of the meeting, Mackenzie’s phone beeped, signaling a text. She looked down. “It’s my mom. She wants us to come back to the house. She didn’t say why.”

“I hope nothing is wrong.” Graye’s stomach started to grumble with nervousness.

“Me too.”

They said goodbye to their new friends, and once on the train, Graye willed it to move faster so they could get home and find out what was going on. In Warwick, they rushed into a cab back to Mackenzie’s house.

Graye’s heart sank down to the floor of the cab as her dad’s truck came into view. She gasped. “This could be bad—or worse,” she joked.

Mackenzie didn’t say anything.

They walked into her house to find their parents sitting at the kitchen table together. The aroma of meat and potatoes warmed Graye’s spirit, lessening the anxiety. How bad could it be if Aunt Kyle had cooked a delicious meal?

They walked in and Mackenzie said, “What’s this? An intervention?”

Their parents laughed, they did too, but they were nervous. They walked over and sat down with them.

Graye was left with the seat next to her dad. This was the first time she’d seen him up close since the day they’d argued. She could smell his cologne, which calmed her even more. It was a familiar scent that reminded her of better days.

“We wanted to talk to both of you,” Mackenzie’s mother said. “We love you both and want to tell you that we’re doing our best to support you.”

Graye could feel her heart in her throat, but she looked around the table, and felt the outpouring of love.

Her mother looked at her, ready to speak. “Graye, your father and I are here because we love you. We might not agree with things, but we love you. We came because we realized we were asking your classmates, their parents, and other people to respect you, but—”

“We weren’t.” Her father interrupted. “I don’t like anything about the two of you being together. But I love you both and want you to know I’m going to try my best to do better.”

Graye looked over at Mackenzie—she was beaming.

Then her Uncle Lance said, “I love you both, too, and all I want is for you to be happy. That’s all. I don’t care if you’re together, apart, with a man or with a woman. I just want you to be happy.”

Graye had secretly wished Aunt Kyle and Uncle Lance would let her parents borrow their brains, because they had been supportive from the moment they’d found out. But she would take her parents trying over them not trying at all. She smiled, turned in her chair, and hugged her dad.

“I’m sorry I disgust you, Daddy.”

“Sweetheart, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I was angry. I was wrong. I don’t like it, but you don’t disgust me.”

She hugged him tighter, inhaling his cologne. She didn’t know when it would get better, but she knew now, at least, it would. In that moment, more of the heavy weight drifted off of her shoulders. They still had a long way to go, but each day that they tried harder, they were one step closer.

She got up and hugged her mom as tight as she could. “Question…”

Her mother laughed. “No, you don’t have to move back home.”

They had a great dinner with their parents—it was more like old times. Once Graye’s parents left, Mackenzie’s parents went upstairs to bed.

Today didn’t erase all that they had gone through. It wouldn’t make Graye forget the things her family did, or the things she’d faced at school. But her life was starting to look better.

They cleaned off the table, and out of nowhere Mackenzie said, “Hey, Graye, can I make your gray skies blue?”

Graye smiled and laughed. “Oh, Mackenzie, you already have.”

Their lives were knocked off balance. They had faced a lot of bullying and knew it wasn’t completely over. They had accepted that they couldn’t make others respect them—they could only encourage them to do it.

Graye also knew that the opinions of others wouldn’t matter as much once they felt better about things themselves. Today was the day that things really started looking clearer, and Graye’s awakening wasn’t as frightening—at least not until Mackenzie leaned over and whispered in Graye’s ear.

“So, when are we going to take this thing up a notch?”

Graye’s pulsed raced, but she laughed, knowing she still wasn’t ready for more than a hug and a few kisses. She had accepted the feelings in her heart, but she wasn’t ready to explore the feelings in her body.

Mackenzie must have recognized the shock on Graye’s face. She tapped Graye’s shoulder. “Just kidding. I’m not ready either.”

They went outside for a walk, and before they knew it, they had walked down by the railroad tracks. They sat and took in the silence that surrounded them. They started kissing and got lost under the stars that peeked out of the dark sky.

“I love you, Mackenzie.”

Mackenzie kissed Graye on the forehead, nose, and then lips. “Graye Moon, I love you more, and every chance I get, I’m going to make your gray skies blue.”

Breaking up the romance in the air, Mackenzie deepened her voice. “In the words of Officer Reynolds, take heed, take heed.” They fell back onto the grass and busted out laughing, getting lost in the sky above.

Their life together truly began in this exact moment, as the cool summer breeze comforted their souls. They looked forward to their future together and they were beginning to care a little less what the world around them thought. Love was love. It could come in loud, roaring like a lion, or sneak in as quiet as a mouse. It was here, and up to them to either sleep through it or ride the wave.

Mackenzie and Graye were facing life head on, living as best friends although they were girlfriends. Maybe someday they’d live as true lovers. Graye knew there was no more sleeping through her pain and fear.

Graye Moon had finally risen, and she was ready for what life—and love—had to offer. Now was her time to shine with Mackenzie by her side.

Dear Reader:

Love really is love. Our hearts don’t always travel the roads others travel just because society says it has to take one turn or another. Our hearts love because the one they seek loves them back. People tend to want us to live lives identical to theirs. They want us to be a part of the norm. That’s not always possible. Graye and Mackenzie became what their hearts desired despite what their families wanted for them. The ending is not always a happy one, but there are some great outcomes.

Feelings can blindside us, but it doesn’t make us any less than the person sitting next to us. If your feelings catch you off guard, make the decisions you need to be safe. It is important to remember that we ALL have a journey. It may be a different circumstance, but we all have one. It’s important to always remain true to yourself.

There are places where you can go for support. You might want to contact a LGBT Center in your area for help to support you through this process. It isn’t easy, but like Mackenzie and Graye found out, it’s not the end of the world. Things get better. Bullies are everywhere, but when you love you, they lose their power. Don’t force feed your lifestyle on others, and respect them for accepting you as much as they can.

Good luck on your journey and remember to ask for help along the way if you need it. Stay safe!

Always wishing you the best,

Coffey Brown