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Chasing Love

Praise for In Too Deep

“In Too Deep, by newcomer Ronica Black, is emotional, hot,

gripping, raw, and a real turn-on from start to finish, with characters

you will fall in love with, root for, and never forget. A truly five star

novel, you will not want to miss…”— Midwest Book Review

“Ronica Black’s debut novel In Too Deep has everything from non-

stop action and intriguing well-developed characters to steamy

erotic love scenes. From the opening scenes where Black plunges the

reader headfirst into the story to the explosive unexpected ending, In

Too Deep has what it takes to rise to the top. Black has a winner with

In Too Deep, one that will keep the reader turning the pages until the

very last one.”— Independent Gay Writer

“…an exciting, page turning read, full of mystery, sex, and

suspense.”— MegaScene

“…a challenging murder mystery—sections of this mixed-genre

novel are hot, hot, hot. Black juggles the assorted elements of her first

book with assured pacing and estimable panache.”— Q Syndicate

“Black’s characterization is skillful, and the sexual chemistry

surrounding the three major characters is palpable and definitely

hot-hot-hot…if you’re looking for a solid read with ample amounts

of eroticism and a red herring or two you’re sure to find In Too Deep

a satisfying read.”— L Word Literature

What Reviewers Say About Ronica Black

Wild Abandon

“Black is a master at teasing the reader with her use of domination

and desire. Black’s first novel, In Too Deep, was a finalist for a 2005

Lammy…With Wild Abandon, the author continues her winning

ways, writing like a seasoned pro. This is one romance I will not

soon forget.”— Just About Write

“The sophomore novel by Ronica Black ( In Too Deep) is hot, hot,

hot.”— Books to Watch Out For

“If you enjoy complex characters and passionate sex scenes, you’ll

love Wild Abandon.”— MegaScene

Hearts Aflame

“Sleek storytelling and terrific characters are the backbone of Ronica

Black’s third and best novel, Hearts Aflame. Prepare to hop on for

an emotional ride with this thrilling story of love in the outback…

Wonderful storytelling and rich characterization make this a high

recommendation.”— Lambda Book Report

“Hearts Aflame takes the reader on the rough and tumble ride…

The twists and turns of the plot engage the reader all the way to the

satisfying conclusion.”— Just About Write

Deeper

“This sequel to Ronica Black’s debut novel, In Too Deep, is an

electrifying thriller. The author’s development as a fine storyteller

shines with this tightly written story. …[The mystery] keeps the

story charged—never unraveling or leading us to a predictable

conclusion. More than once I gasped in surprise at the dark and

twisted paths this book took.”—Curve Magazine

Flesh and Bone

“Ronica Black handles a traditional range of lesbian fantasies with

gusto and sincerity. The reader wants to know these women as well

as they come to know each other. When Black’s characters ignore

their realistic fears to follow their passion, this reader admires their

chutzpah and cheers them on…These stories make good bedtime

reading, and could lead to sweet dreams. Read them and see.”

— Erotica Revealed

The Seeker

“Ronica Black’s books just keep getting stronger and stronger…

This is such a tightly written plot-driven novel that readers will find

themselves glued to the pages and ignoring phone calls. The Seeker

is a great read, with an exciting plot, great characters, and great

sex.”— Just About Write

Visit us at www.boldstrokesbooks.com

By the Author

In Too Deep

Deeper

Wild Abandon

Hearts Aflame

Flesh and Bone

The Seeker

Chasing Love

Chasing Love

by

Ronica Black

2010

CHASING LOVE

© 2010 By Ronica Black. all Rights ReseRved.

isBn 13: 978-1-60282-491-1

This ElEcTronic Book is PuBlishEd By

Bold sTrokEs Books, inc.

P.o. Box 249

VallEy Falls, ny 12185

FirsT EdiTion: dEcEmBEr 2010

This is a Work oF FicTion. namEs, characTErs, PlacEs, and

incidEnTs arE ThE ProducT oF ThE auThor’s imaGinaTion or

arE usEd FicTiTiously. any rEsEmBlancE To acTual PErsons,

liVinG or dEad, BusinEss EsTaBlishmEnTs, EVEnTs, or localEs

is EnTirEly coincidEnTal.

This Book, or ParTs ThErEoF, may noT BE rEProducEd in any

Form WiThouT PErmission.

cRedits

EdiTors: cindy crEsaP and sTacia sEaman

ProducTion dEsiGn: sTacia sEaman

coVEr dEsiGn By shEri (GraPhicarTisT2020@hoTmail.com)

Acknowledgments

This book was quite different for me, and I would love to say it was as

easy to execute as I had originally hoped it would be. But I soon found

it was quite the contrary. I do hope you, dear reader, will be able to

relate to this simple (er, not so simple) tale of a lone woman on the hunt

for love. There is humor, there is heartbreak, and there are quite a few

harrowing moments of “Oh my God, what is she thinking?”

These are the folks who had to sift through all those harrowing moments:

Cindy Cresap, my editor. Thanks for holding the light in that dark dank

cave, helping me not to lose my way. Stacia Seaman and the entire Bold

Strokes crew. You are all amazing and you continue to bless my life by

taking my work and turning it into something incredible.

And finally, for Cait. My one. We’ve been through hell and back, but

we finally learned. You’re my weirdo. And I’m yours.

Dedication

For the one who fits me. I love you.

Chasing Love

ChapteR one

It was already dark when thunder rocked the sky and the clouds

burst open with rain. And Adrian Edwards liked it that way.

There was nothing like sitting in candlelight while a heavy black

rain splattered against the windowpanes. It was beautiful, romantic,

and a bit gothic.

It set the scene nicely for her task.

She was on the hunt.

For a woman.

Music careened from her stereo. One song, again and again. Annie

Lennox, “Cold.” She loved the depth, the darkness, the velvety feel that

lured her in and held her captive, just like a seeking lover searching and

then finding, wrapped in the twisted vines of love.

It was what she played any time she was feeling romantic or

restless. Or like tonight…needy. When her blood grew hot and beat

with a loud demand beneath her sensitive skin. When it pooled and

pulsed behind her clit, causing that sweet, sharp ache in her loins. The

music soothed only because it intensified and helped her focus. It fed

her hungry blood, lightly caressed her. Drove her to that point just

between beautiful ecstasy and sheer madness.

She loved teetering there on that ledge, arms out, searching for

balance. But eventually she would have to choose. And ecstasy always

seemed to win out.

The wine saturated her taste buds like a warm, tart flood of bliss.

She couldn’t take much more now. Her body was thrumming.

She opened her eyes and leaned back in her chair as her laptop

alerted her to the arrival of the second photo. With a quick click of the

• 15 •

RoniCa BLaCk

mouse the photo opened, showing a very nice young blonde with glam-

femme looks and tight-fitting tomboy clothes.

Perfect.

She returned the wineglass to the table and made a steeple with

her fingers, pressing them to her lips. Then she hurriedly typed back.

A-game88: Ur pic is nice. U up 4 som fun?

Gotcha4now: Yes. U?

A-game88: Oh yes. Wanna meet? 2nite?

Gotcha4now: Name the place.

A-game88: Core. Eight thirty.

Gotcha4now: Ok. I’ll b the young hot 1. ;)

Yes. Literally, just what she needed. Hopefully, this one would be

a little more mature than she looked. If she wasn’t…well, beggars can’t

be choosers.

She rose and switched off the music. Reality oozed back in as

she stared out at the streetlights, their cones of light swarming with

rain. Her cocoon of velvet-lined romance quickly dissipated as if she’d

simply closed the book on it and set it aside.

Her usual mantra sped around the circular track of her mind.

Tonight was for fun. For the fire. Hopefully, she’d experience both.

Goal in mind, she turned and headed for the shower. Her cats, One

and Two, jumped down from their perch on the kitchen table, making

little grunts and meows as they followed underfoot. They were hungry

again, and frankly, One was getting fat.

“Okay, okay.” Sidetracking, she turned into the kitchen and

retrieved the bag of Cat Chow from the pantry shelf. One bounded up to

the bowl and shoved his face in it as she poured. It was almost as if the

food showering down upon him was as pleasurable as the eating itself.

He basked in it like an exotic bathing suit model under a cool waterfall,

turning his head this way and that, rubbing the bowl with his snout.

Two’s skinny little frame wove between her legs. He began to

nibble on the scattered bits of kibble while One scarfed directly from

the bowl.

“Not now,” she said halfheartedly, bending to scratch his head.

“Mama’s got a date.” And a date she needed. The chat room she

favored just wasn’t cutting it. It was time for some real live human

entertainment. Even if she just rubbed up against someone while

• 16 •

Chasing Love

enjoying a little dancing, her skin, which was screaming for contact,

would quiet its howls.

She turned on the bathroom light along with the bath water. Two

jumped up on the toilet and made himself comfortable as she stripped.

His tail nonchalantly flicked as he watched her.

“What are you looking at?”

He had the nerve to yawn.

“Let’s hope I don’t put her to sleep.”

There it was again. The nagging. She tried to force it away, but it

came again as she stepped into the shower.

More and more lately, her mind kept returning to the fact that she

was all alone. Before, it didn’t seem to matter; now it was all she could

think about. Something had changed inside and she wasn’t sure what.

Or even exactly when it had happened. All she knew was that now her

conscience was suddenly bombarding her with irritating questions.

Why was she alone?

Why didn’t she have a partner?

Was it her?

Did she look okay?

Was she still a catch?

“Why do I care?” she declared while soaping her hair. “Why can’t

I just forget all this commitment bullshit and go out and get laid?” She

peeled back the curtain and eyed Two. “Huh?” He merely stared. She

jerked the curtain closed. “You’re no help.”

There was something that could be causing the sudden concern.

But it wasn’t a big deal and it really had nothing to do with her love

life. Tamara, her best friend since Hansel and Gretel, had recently met

someone.

It.

That’s what Adrian referred to Tamara’s new woman as. Because

all she ever heard from Tamara lately was “this is it” and “it’s for real.”

Adrian almost expected a little hair-covered person to come walking up

to the table when she finally did meet her.

But that hadn’t happened yet. Adrian had been putting it off. She

didn’t want to see Tamara all giddy, glowing, and settled. Not yet. They

were still best friends, pals, amigos. Maverick and Goose. Ice Man and

Slider.

• 17 •

RoniCa BLaCk

Tamara had always had great luck with women and she’d always

had meaningful relationships. It had never come between them before.

But now “it” was creeping in, slowly but surely. Tamara was finding

more and more reasons to stay at home and snuggle with her hairy little

comrade. What was worse was a few of their other friends had found

their “its” as well. Not just Tamara.

“Shit, I forgot to call T.” She finished in the shower and dried

herself off. After hurrying into her bedroom, she snatched up her cell

phone and sent Tamara a text.

Can u meet me at Core at 8 30? Gotta new date.

Per their protocol, Tamara would meet her at the club just in case

Adrian needed a quick bail-out.

She was dressing when the answer came through.

2 nite? Ur kidding. I got rocky road thawing and it’s Linda

Fiorentino nite.

You didn’t mess with Linda Fiorentino night. It was sacred.

An image of the lights flickering as she powered up her electric

friend came to mind, along with her “screaming for touch” flesh. She

was desperate. She couldn’t stand another night alone in the apartment.

She’d pull her hair out.

Movie night be damned. Or at least put off for a couple of hours.

pleeeeeeze. Come on, Goose. I need u.

<sigh> All right. But only 4 an hour. And I hate that top gun crap

u always pull.

Thanks, luv u.

U only say that when u want 2 get laid.

Adrian grinned and pulled on her jeans.

“From your lips to God’s ears.”

• 18 •

Chasing Love

ChapteR two

Tamara was already there, seated at their usual table, one

muscular leg crossed over the other, a Seven and Seven at her

lips per a tiny red straw.

Adrian nodded a hello to one of the bartenders, noted the familiar

scent of vanilla candles mixed with beer, and made her way to the table.

Her shoes squeaked on the sticky floor and the jukebox was playing

Joan Jett.

“You ruined my night,” Tamara said as Adrian slid onto the high-

backed chair.

“You can watch it when you get home.”

“That’s not the point.”

“I know, I know. ‘It’ is waiting.”

Tamara narrowed her eyes. “Her name is Harriet.”

Adrian couldn’t help but laugh. “Harry It.”

“Watch it, Edwards.”

“I know, I’m sorry. It’s just that Harriet sounds so, I don’t know,

Harry Potter.”

“Well, she does manage a bookstore.” She said this rather

proudly.

“A magic bookstore?”

Again, her eyes narrowed.

“I’m sorry. I’ll stop.”

“Thank you.” She sucked on the straw. “You’d think you’d be

nicer to me, interrupting my night.”

Adrian flagged down the busty waitress, Bernie, and ordered her

usual.

• 19 •

RoniCa BLaCk

“You’re right. I’ll be nice.” She grinned.

“You’re hopeless.”

“Don’t say that.” Adrian turned a little to get a better view of the

bar. It was small. Almost stiflingly small. But she and Tamara preferred

it over the larger co-ed clubs. Core was strictly women and it wasn’t

bad. With its merlot-colored walls, tall, tiny tables, and low lighting, it

was almost romantic.

Almost.

But the lingering stench of spilled beer, the loud, deep laughter

of the regulars, and the constant play of the same three artists on the

jukebox sometimes got to her.

But tonight didn’t seem to be so bad.

The main door opened as she watched and a few women walked

in, none of them her Gotcha4now.

None of them were very interesting. Just the same old, same old

at the Core. Thankfully, Bernie returned with her cold Miller Lite and

gave her a wink.

Adrian nodded her gratitude and sipped the beer slowly. She

couldn’t complain. Not really. After all, she was a regular and old news

herself.

“So who is it tonight?” Tamara asked.

Adrian turned back to her. “A young one. Blonde.”

“She have a name?”

“Not one I know.”

“Nice.”

“Your sarcasm looks unattractive dripping off your chin like

that.”

Tamara laughed. “You’re never going to change.”

“Quit being mean.”

Tamara grabbed Adrian’s beer bottle and began peeling off the

label while Adrian got lost in the flame dancing in the barrel of the

candle between them.

“I’m not.”

“Yes, you are. You’re picking on me.”

Tamara placed her hands flat on the table. “Adrian. How long have

we known each other?”

“Since Hansel and Gretel.”

• 20 •

Chasing Love

“That’s right. Jack and Jill. Raggedy Ann and Andy. I know you

like the back of my hand.”

“So? What’s your point?”

“My point is—never mind. You’re not interested.”

“Don’t do that.”

Tamara looked off in the distance, crossing her arms over her

chest.

“Are you going to tell me?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Because you aren’t yet ready to hear it. You just don’t get it.”

Adrian sighed. “Fine.”

Tamara slowly met her gaze. “I love you, Adrian. You’re my best

friend and you’re better than this.”

“Better than what?”

“Than this.” She waved her arms at the surrounding room.

“I’m dating.”

“No, you’re playing. You’re screwing. You’re not dating.”

“Please, don’t, T.”

“I’m just saying.”

“What else am I supposed to do?”

“Stop hooking up online, for starters.”

“And what, come here? We know everyone. Six degrees, T. Six

degrees.”

“Why can’t you just relax? Just stop for a while.”

“I don’t want to. I want a woman.”

Tamara stood. “Well, you aren’t doing a very good job of finding

one. You’re so damn picky and then the next minute you’re not. You

need to forget about women for a while.”

“And do what? Join a convent?”

“Focus on yourself.”

Adrian leaned back. She felt a bit stricken. “What the hell does

that even mean?”

“See, you’re not ready to hear this.” She rubbed the back of her

neck just like she always did when she was frustrated. Three women

Adrian didn’t recognize walked by, and one looked Tamara completely

up and down and then openly ogled her.

“You just got scoped,” Adrian said.

• 21 •

RoniCa BLaCk

“Not interested.”

“You didn’t even look at her.”

“Don’t need to.”

“How do you know she’s not better than ‘It’?”

Tamara rolled her eyes. “I’m going to the bathroom. Order me

another. I’m going to need it if I have to sit through another hook-up.”

She left Adrian and wove between small tables toward the ladies’

room. Adrian contemplated her words as she studied her. Tamara had

always had a way with the ladies. Her smooth, dark skin always looked

luscious and her almond-shaped eyes never failed to lure one in. She

also had an easiness about her. A self-knowing and calm. It soothed

people, drew them to her. Tamara just knew. Everything. She could

handle anything.

Adrian sipped more of her beer. Her own thoughts were giving her

enough trouble. She didn’t need Tamara adding to it.

It was all just driving another nail into the coffin of loneliness. She

was nearly enclosed now in that coffin, with no way out and no rubber

tube with which to breathe. But she liked her life. Fuck the norm and

expectations.

“Hi.”

Adrian nearly swallowed wrong as she swung around to face the

voice. “Hi.”

The young blonde was smiling at her, a teasing half-grin.

“You’re A-Game, right?”

“Right.” Adrian wiped her lip nervously. Why am I so nervous?

Because she might be my “it”? No way.

She shook the thought away.

The young woman helped herself to Tamara’s seat. “Buy me a

drink?”

“Sure.” Just as soon as she could tear her eyes away from her, she

waved Bernie over. “Another Seven and Seven and whatever the young

lady is having.”

“Young lady. Sounds so classy.” She gave Bernie the same sort of

teasing smile. “I’ll have a Captain Coke.”

Bernie wasn’t impressed. “I need to see some I.D., sweetness.”

Groaning, she fished out her driver’s license. “Satisfied?”

Bernie looked at Adrian and then back to the young woman.

“What’s your name?”

• 22 •

Chasing Love

“Sierra.”

“Well, Sierra, you’re a smart-ass.” Bernie walked away quickly

and Sierra’s smile fell.

“What a bitch.”

Adrian laughed and changed the subject. “Sierra, huh?

Interesting.”

“Why? And don’t even say it’s young.”

“I—was just about to say that.”

“Well, don’t. I’m sick of hearing it.”

“You are young.” And fit and smooth with a tan, nice delicate

neckline, kissable lips, slightly exposed midriff… “You should enjoy

it.”

“No chance.” She seemed truly offended. “All I ever hear is how

I’m too young to understand anything.”

“Like what?” Adrian tugged on her beer and tried to hide her smile

as Sierra openly stared at her mouth.

“Like relationships and love and life.”

“Sounds like heavy stuff.”

“It is. But I can handle it. Just because I’m young, it doesn’t mean

I don’t know what love is.”

Adrian took another sip. “I believe you.”

Sierra visibly softened. “Thank you.”

“So is this the lady in waiting?” Tamara asked as she walked up.

“The what?” Sierra asked.

Tamara sized Sierra up and must’ve thought she wasn’t worth the

trouble. “Never mind.” To Adrian she said, “I have a headache.”

It was code for “Can I go or does she blow?”

“I’m sorry,” Adrian said. Code for “Yeah, go. I’m into her.”

Tamara eyed Sierra once more in silence. Her face showed nothing,

but Adrian knew she didn’t approve. Sierra merely smiled, a wordless

challenge.

“Why don’t you go get some rest?” Adrian asked, placing her

hand gently on Tamara’s shoulder. “I’m about ready to get out of here

myself.”

“Yeah, okay.” Tamara half hugged her. “Call me tomorrow.”

She left quietly, cell phone already to her ear by the time she

reached the door.

Sierra seemed happy she was gone. “Who was that?”

• 23 •

RoniCa BLaCk

“A friend.”

“An ex?”

Bernie returned with their drinks and Sierra took hers eagerly.

“T didn’t stay long,” Bernie said, placing the beer on the table but

keeping the Seven and Seven on the tray.

“Headache,” Adrian said.

Bernie’s eyes widened with recognition. “Ahh. Another one, eh?”

She gazed at Sierra from the corner of her eye and smirked. “To each

her own.”

Sierra watched her return to the bar. She pushed her drink away.

“Is T your girlfriend? Because I don’t do threesomes.”

“What?” Adrian almost choked on her beer. “No. She’s my

friend.”

“Then why’s the waitress so concerned? And what was with the

headache comment?”

Adrian studied her. She was pretty quick. Paranoid, but quick.

“Tamara is my best friend. She has been for years. Bernie knows

her because we’ve been coming here for a long time. She’s not an ex.”

Sierra seemed to consider her explanation. “And the headache

comment?”

Adrian finished off the first beer and started in on the second as she

considered her words. Normally, she wouldn’t share such information.

What went on between her and Tamara was their business. But she had

a feeling Sierra wouldn’t settle for another vague answer. She decided

to be somewhat honest.

“A headache is code for ‘Okay, I’m leaving. Have fun with your

date.’”

Sierra played with her drink straw. “So she’s your wing man?”

“You could say that.”

Sierra took a sip and licked her lips in a slow, purposeful manner.

“So I get the green light?”

Adrian smiled. “Yes. That okay by you?”

“I think so.” She stroked the condensation along the side of her

drink glass. “You seem harmless.”

Adrian watched as she tugged on her wet fingertips with her lips.

“I wouldn’t go that far.”

“No?”

“No. I’m not completely harmless.”

• 24 •

Chasing Love

Sierra lowered her hand to stir her drink some more. In the near

distance a new but familiar song crooned. There was a loud clack as

someone broke on a new game of pool.

“Should I be afraid?”

Adrian felt that familiar rush of heat. This was it. Her fire.

“Depends.”

“On?”

“On what you consider to be scary.”

Her expression was coy. “Why don’t you take me home and show

me and I’ll tell you if it scares me?”

Adrian swallowed some more beer. She raised an eyebrow. “I don’t

think you’re really afraid. I think you’re intrigued. And interested.”

“You’d be right.”

Adrian pulled out her wallet and tossed money on the table. “Then

let’s get out of here.”

• 25 •

• 26 •

Chasing Love

ChapteR thRee

The night was cool but not uncomfortably so as Adrian walked

with Sierra through the parking lot. The darkness smelled

strong, like rain and dirt and metal mixed. The rain had stopped before

she’d arrived at Core and the mugginess hung in the air, making it seem

thick. The two street lamps appeared to be smothered, weak globes of

light trying to penetrate the moisture. She liked it. It made the night all

the more interesting. As if one were walking through time as it stood

still.

“Do you want to ride with me?” Adrian asked.

“If you don’t mind. I was dropped off.”

“Ah, so you were expecting to leave with me?”

Sierra shrugged. “I was hoping.”

Adrian held the door for her. “So you do this a lot, then?” She

rounded the car and climbed in behind the wheel. A tiny twinge started

in the base of her chest. She mentally pushed it away. She did this all

the time, so why should Sierra doing it cause alarm?

“Probably about as much as you do.”

Great. Tamara would have a field day with this info.

She turned toward home and accelerated. Within the confines of

her car, Adrian could smell Sierra’s perfume. The aroma was light and

pleasant with a hint of ginger. It helped settle her lingering trepidation,

and she was further comforted when Sierra held her hand after tuning

the radio to a pop station.

“This is nice,” Adrian said, squeezing her hand.

“I like to hold hands.”

“Me too.”

• 27 •

RoniCa BLaCk

Adrian grew more curious. “So what do you do for a living? You

in school?”

Sierra crinkled her nose. It was the look twelve-year-olds get when

thinking about something gross.

“God, do I look that young?”

Adrian blinked. Yes.

“So you’re not in school?”

“No.”

“Because you’re way too old, right?” She gave her a crooked

smile.

Sierra didn’t appear amused.

“Okay, so what do you do? High-powered attorney, vice president

of marketing at a major firm, district judge, trauma surgeon?”

“Very funny.”

Adrian thought so.

“So?”

Sierra stared ahead, her bottom lip tucked in her mouth as if she

were holding back.

“I have a good job,” she finally said. “A great one.”

Adrian waited for more but none came.

“Well, that’s good.”

“It is. I make good money. Really good money.” She seemed

pleased.

Adrian removed her hand from Sierra’s and wrung her hands along

the steering wheel as if she were gunning the gas on a motorcycle. She

wanted to ask more, but she sensed that she shouldn’t press it.

They rode like that for a while, Adrian pushing her Camry through

the cushion of the night while Sierra hummed.

“I like you,” Sierra suddenly announced.

Adrian glanced at her quickly and then returned her eyes to the

road.

“I like you, too.” Adrian reached for her hand again.

Deftly, Sierra ran her fingertips up and down the inside of Adrian’s

wrist and palm.

The sensation caused a stirring just under her skin. It shot up

her arms and down her chest to her abdomen and then pulsed with

determination between her legs.

• 28 •

Chasing Love

“If you keep doing that we won’t make it home.”

“What about this?” She lifted Adrian’s hand and licked the sides

of her fingers.

Adrian inhaled sharply. Holy fuck. She accelerated and hoped the

heavy night would encase her car and keep them safely on the road.

“Or what about this?” She licked each finger up and down and

then placed each one in her mouth to suck.

“Jesus.” Adrian shoved back against the seat, her toes curling in

her shoes. “Stop. Stop. I can’t drive like this.”

Sierra laughed but kept on, taking her whole finger in and out,

sucking with a curled tongue.

“That’s it, I’m flooring it.” Adrian pressed harder on the accelerator

and ran a late yellow light.

“You must really need some TLC,” Sierra said with a husky

voice.

“You have no idea.”

Adrian peeled around a corner and sped down her street. When

she reached her apartment, she whipped her car into her parking space

and killed the engine.

They hurried up the stairs and Adrian unlocked the door and flung

it open. Sierra walked inside slowly and looked over her shoulder in a

seductive manner. Her jeans were low rise and her top was fitted and

short. The number 9 was on the front in red. A faux football jersey of

sorts. She stripped off her light jacket and tossed it onto the couch.

An urge to tackle her came as Adrian closed the door. Instead, she

stood there, the rush of confidence gone.

“Can I get you a drink?”

Sierra trailed her fingers over the furniture.

“No.”

“Something to eat?”

Her eyes flashed. “Not right now.”

Pleasantries were now aside. They both stared.

“Are you a top?” Sierra asked, surprising Adrian.

“I—why do you ask?” No one had asked her that since 1995.

Sierra shrugged. “I thought you older women always wanted to

know.”

Older women? Ouch.

• 29 •

RoniCa BLaCk

What a killjoy.

Adrian went into the kitchen where she retrieved a bottle of vodka

from the freezer. She was going to need it.

“Did I say something wrong?” Sierra asked, watching her pour.

Adrian sipped some before she answered. “Let’s just skip over the

top question.”

Was she a top? Sometimes. It depended. Why did it matter? Were

they going to get in permanent positions? Was someone going to blow

a whistle if they left these positions? She pictured a tough-looking dyke

with a buzz haircut and a striped referee shirt, blowing the whistle,

calling out the positional foul.

The vodka burned a path down her esophagus. She wished it

would burn her brain so she’d stop thinking so much.

“The last woman I was with,” Sierra said. “She wanted to know.”

Adrian held up a hand. “Uh…okay…I don’t.” The mood was

going fast. Just disintegrating and disappearing into the air vent. “I…

mean…it doesn’t matter.”

“It did to her. She had to have it the exact same way every time.”

Adrian nearly choked. “Okay. Don’t want to hear it.”

“Sorry.” Sierra stepped up to Adrian and placed her hand on her

arm. “I’m glad you’re not so uptight.” Slowly, she leaned in and touched

her neck ever so lightly with her lips. Little kisses, delicate ones. Just

enough to tickle and arouse. Adrian felt her eyes flutter close.

“Mmm.”

“You like that?” Sierra asked.

“Yes.” The glass was removed from her hand.

“Good.” She kissed her some more, up and down both sides of her

neck. Her fingers skimmed up and down her arms.

Adrian’s entire body was awakening. Slowly, but surely, like being

gently rocked after a long night’s sleep.

“I like you,” Sierra whispered. “A lot.”

Adrian gripped her waist and pulled her close. “I like you, too.”

She inhaled her perfume and buried her face in her hair. The smell

of cigarette smoke was clinging to the silky strands. Adrian focused

instead on her neck. As she nibbled on her, her mind worked overtime.

Was the smoke from the bar? No. It was illegal to smoke in the bar

now. Where was it from? She hadn’t smoked at all in front of Adrian.

• 30 •

Chasing Love

Maybe it was from her friend who’d dropped her off. So was she a

smoker? Or was it her friend?

Stop.

Just stop.

She closed her eyes and kissed the warm, soft flesh beneath her

lips. Sierra tensed and moaned softly. Her mouth attacked Adrian’s with

a vengeance, biting and sucking.

Goose flesh erupted along Adrian’s skin. The feel of Sierra’s slick

tongue sent her slow desire into a mad frenzy. Hurriedly, she tugged

Sierra closer and then lifted her off the floor. She stumbled forward a

bit before they hit the wall and there she growled and kissed her hard

on the mouth.

More smoke. Smoke intermingled with rum.

Adrian pushed on, determined not to let it bother her. She didn’t

care if people smoked, she just didn’t like to smell and taste it during

intimacy. But this wasn’t too bad. Still…Sierra had said she was a

nonsmoker on her profile.

“You’re a good kisser,” Sierra said, breathless. “Mmm, really nice.

I like that. I like your place, too.”

“Okay.” Adrian kissed her again, not wanting to continue the

conversation.

“Okay?”

Adrian kissed her neck, bit it, and then flicked with her tongue.

“Mmm-hmm.”

Laughter echoed in Adrian’s ear.

“You don’t talk much, do you?”

Adrian set her down. “I just want to—”

Sierra stopped her with the gentle press of her finger. “I know. I

know just what you need.”

She leaned into Adrian and touched her lips to hers. It was soft

yet firm. Thick, supple silk. Again and again. Testing, teasing, seeking.

And then she slipped out her tongue. Wanting inside.

Asking and then doing.

Adrian found herself pinned against the wall, Sierra’s full tongue

exploring her mouth. And then there were hands up under her shirt,

massaging and squeezing. First on top of her bra and then swiftly,

underneath, pinching her bare nipples.

• 31 •

RoniCa BLaCk

“Ah, oh God,” Adrian let out, her eyes widening and then

narrowing with pleasure.

Sierra laughed. “Uh-huh.” She kissed her way down Adrian’s

neck, to the base of her throat to where her hands were working their

magic.

Her tongue flicked Adrian’s firm nipple. She licked it while

squeezing it between her fingers.

Adrian hissed and pressed her legs together, the mounting pressure

unbearable. Sierra seemed to sense this and she lowered her hand into

Adrian’s jeans while her mouth continued to suck.

“Jesus,” Adrian whispered.

“Is that good, baby?” Sierra asked, finding Adrian’s clit with her

fingers. “Like this.” She stroked her up and down, first sliding her

fingertips into Adrian’s opening for her slick arousal.

“Ye-yes. Mmm.”

“Good,” Sierra purred, moving lower to unfasten her jeans. She

looked up at Adrian as she jerked them down, along with her underwear.

With a wicked smile she breathed hot air onto her inner thighs, causing

Adrian to shudder. Her tongue soon followed, on a determined path to

her aching flesh.

“You’re—” Sierra started.

Adrian gripped her head. “No—don’t talk.”

Not now.

“Okay, baby. Whatever you want.”

She used her thumbs and opened Adrian up. Flicked her tongue

over her sensitive clit.

“Oh, yeah.”

She leaned into her, flicked her some more.

Adrian knotted her fingers in her hair. She closed her eyes and felt

the slight bobbing of Sierra’s head, heard the quick tap of her tongue.

“God. God, yes.”

“Mmm. Do you love it?” Sierra asked. “Tell me.”

“Yes.”

“You want to come?”

Adrian tightened her fingers in her hair. “Ye-yes.”

“You want—”

“Yes. Hurry. Please.”

• 32 •

Chasing Love

Adrian felt the movement of Sierra’s jaw as she devoured her

further. It only turned her on more.

There was groaning and grunting on her part, licking and kissing

on Sierra’s. The sensation from the oral assault was powerful and

growing hotter and thicker. Right up through her body, until it knotted

and surged out from her core and exploded outward, causing her to

slam her head back and call out.

Sierra pulsed into her, giving and taking, flicking and then sucking.

Adrian rocked into her, her knees growing weak. The kitchen spun. Her

ears rang as Sierra began to speak. Something about how it felt and did

she like it.

She didn’t bother answering. Couldn’t have even if she’d wanted

to.

With all her strength she straightened and swallowed against a dry

throat. Her heart was still going wild as she released Sierra’s hair and

fell into her as she stood. Silence ensued as they held each other and

breathed.

A soft meow came from One as he entered the kitchen to rub up

against their legs.

“Who’s this?” Sierra asked with a laugh.

“One,” Adrian whispered, still struggling for breath.

Sierra bent to pet him. “Oh my God, he’s so cute.” She nuzzled

him. He purred happily, his eyes pleasurable green slits.

“He’s huge,” Adrian said.

“Aw, I think he’s cute. What’s his name again?”

“One.”

“One? What kind of a name is that?”

Adrian refastened her pants.

“A simple one.”

“He should have a big handsome, regal name like Clyde or

Winston.”

Adrian downed another shot of vodka. Her legs felt like jelly. “If

it makes you feel any better, he has numerous nicknames.”

One purred and whipped his tail in Sierra’s arms. Two then came

trotting in with a series of grunts.

Sierra lit up. “Another one? Oh my gosh, he’s so cute.”

“His name is Two,” Adrian said. “Just so there’s no confusion.”

• 33 •

RoniCa BLaCk

“They’re adorable.” She swapped cats, leaving One sitting on the

floor looking up at her. “One and Two.”

“They’re all right.” She watched them together for a few more

seconds before her thoughts returned to Sierra’s talented tongue and

exposed midriff. “How about we continue this in the bedroom? They’ll

still be here when we’re finished.”

Sierra stopped kissing Two and grinned. “Okay.”

Adrian took her hand and led the way. She switched on the bedside

lamp and sat on the bed to remove her shoes. Sierra set Two on the floor

and held Adrian’s gaze as she slipped off her shirt and rubbed her hands

over her small, taut breasts.

She was beautiful, youthfully lithe and tan. “You have an

incredible body.”

“Thank you. I have to work hard for it.”

“I doubt that.”

Sierra lowered her jeans and stepped out of them. She stood

looking at Adrian in her tiny satin panties.

“Come here,” Adrian said.

Sierra stepped up to her, her breathing heavy. Adrian touched her,

ran her fingers lightly up and down her sides, puckering her nipples.

Sierra moved closer, straddling her. Adrian kissed her skin softly,

trailing her tongue up to the gentle weight of her breasts. She licked

the undersides and then swirled her tongue around the centers. When

Sierra arched into her, Adrian took a hard nipple between her teeth and

squeezed.

Sierra cried out and ran her nails through Adrian’s hair. “You feel

good, baby,” Sierra said. “But we’re going to have to hurry.”

“What?” Adrian held tight to her muscular buttocks.

“I’m getting hungry.”

Adrian looked up at her. “You’re kidding, right?”

Sierra shook her head. “No.”

“You’re thinking about eating now?”

“I can wait. But we have to hurry.”

Adrian blinked, unsure what to say. Sierra kissed her, killing

the need to speak. She twirled her tongue inside Adrian’s mouth and

gyrated against her.

“Touch me, baby. Feel my heat for you.”

• 34 •

Chasing Love

Adrian could already feel it as she pressed the heel of her hand

against her.

“Go inside my panties,” Sierra said and then groaned as Adrian

did so.

She was incredibly slick inside her panties and she bucked like a

madwoman, shoving her clit into the heel of Adrian’s hand.

“Yes, yes, yes, yes.”

She was going to go over. Adrian tried to stop, but Sierra wouldn’t

let her, clawing her shoulders and shoving against her hand.

“Yes, yes, yes, yes. Don’t stop. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!”

She tensed and pushed hard, slamming herself in a frenzy into Adrian.

“Inside me, inside me now.”

Adrian winced at the pain in her hand as she shoved two fingers

up inside her.

“Ah, ah, yes!” And Sierra straightened, face toward the ceiling.

She bounced there on Adrian’s lap until the veins in her neck stood out

like small snakes, coiling beneath her moist skin. Then she stilled and

held her breath as she stared upward.

“Are you okay?” Adrian was worried. She wasn’t moving.

There was more silence. And then she exhaled, “And I’m done.”

She collapsed.

Adrian sat still with her, unable to move. Her hand cramped.

And I’m done?

Who says that?

Eventually, Sierra moved and it was as if nothing at all had

happened. She slipped off Adrian, finger-combed her hair, and bent

to pick up Two after adjusting her panties. She snuggled with him as

Adrian opened and closed her sore hand.

“He’s so cute. Mr. Cuddles. That’s what I’m going to call him.”

She rubbed her nose against his. “Mr. Cuddly Wuddly, yes. Let’s go eat,

okay?” She carried him off toward the kitchen, wearing nothing but her

panties. Adrian stared after her, completely numb and oblivious. She

heard Sierra opening and closing cabinets in the kitchen. The sound of

cereal tumbling into a bowl soon followed.

After washing her hands, Adrian found Sierra sitting lotus-style

on the counter, spooning Cap’n Crunch into her mouth. She smiled and

a bit of milk ran down her chin.

• 35 •

RoniCa BLaCk

“Hi.” She shoved in another small mountain of cereal.

“Guess you weren’t lying about being hungry.”

“Nope.” One had his face in the bowl, helping himself to some

milk. “Want some?” She motioned toward the open box.

Adrian realized she was being offered her own food. “No.”

Sierra chewed on. “Why don’t you go to bed and I’ll come in in a

little while and give you more?”

Adrian opened her mouth to argue but then thought better of it.

She was tired. And confused. She had to be at work early. The night

hadn’t turned out like she’d hoped. It seemed they never did. Sierra

must’ve seen her expression because she swallowed and spoke.

“It is okay if I stay here tonight, right? My friend’s not getting me

till tomorrow morning.”

Adrian got herself a glass and poured herself some milk before it

was gone. She drank heartily. Hopefully, it would coat the vodka and

both would help her sleep.

“That’s fine.” She put the rest in the fridge. “You can stay.”

“Thanks.” She chomped happily.

“I’m going to bed.” She started to walk away.

“Wait.” Sierra lowered her spoon and waved Adrian over. “Give

me a kiss.”

Adrian hesitated.

“Come on, baby. Give me a good-night kiss.”

Adrian, too tired to protest, allowed Sierra to kiss her. Then she

walked back to her room and dug Sierra’s wallet out of her jeans. She

fished out her license and wrote down all the information on a sticky

note and hid it in her nightstand drawer. It was a precaution. Just in case

she woke up tomorrow morning to find her place cleaned out. At least

she would have her name and driver’s license number. Her friend on the

police force could hopefully find her with that.

Sierra was her real name and she was twenty-one. Well, young

enough for school. Her address appeared to be an apartment. So far so

good. At least she hadn’t lied to her. As she was returning the wallet she

noticed a bulge in the front pocket of the jeans. She double-checked the

door and reached inside. It was a wad of money. Mostly fives and ones.

About a hundred bucks.

Hmm.

• 36 •

Chasing Love

This was good. Maybe she wouldn’t try to steal anything.

Thankfully, Adrian didn’t have anything of much value in the

living room and kitchen anyway. Most of her important documents and

things were in the safe in her bedroom closet.

Feeling a little relieved, she undressed and climbed into bed. As

she extinguished the bedside lamp, she could hear Sierra baby-talking

to One and Two.

Adrian fell asleep to a Mr. Cuddly Wuddly lullaby.

• 37 •

• 38 •

Chasing Love

ChapteR FouR

Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey.”

Adrian opened her eyes and focused on Sierra’s face. She

was lying on Adrian’s chest, her chin resting on her hands. Adrian could

smell syrup. Maple syrup.

“I made breakfast,” Sierra said proudly.

Adrian glanced at the clock. It was set to go off in five minutes.

She groaned and Sierra kissed her on the nose.

“I gotta go. My friend’s coming. But first…” She hurried from

the room.

“This early?” Adrian sat up and gripped her head. It ached like

a stubbed toe. She lay back down as memories from the night before

came. Sierra had come to bed sometime after midnight. They’d fucked

for almost two hours straight.

She lifted her head and stared at her thighs. Purple hickeys marked

her flesh, and they stung.

“Here you go, sunshine.” Sierra hurried in with a plate of pancakes

topped with butter and syrup. She also carried a glass of juice.

Adrian forced herself up. “You didn’t have to do this.” Her voice

was froggy and her lips felt swollen.

“After last night you need a good meal. I know I did.” She handed

over the plate and shook open a paper napkin. She set it in Adrian’s

lap.

“Okay, I gotta go.” She kissed her. “I’ll call you later. Have a good

day at work.”

Adrian heard the front door open and close. One jumped on the

bed and stuck his nose on her plate.

• 39 •

RoniCa BLaCk

“What just happened here?” she asked.

One ignored her and shook his head as he got a taste of syrup.

“Yeah, you’re right. I don’t want it either.” Slowly, she rose. Her

body was stiff and she was sore as she walked into the kitchen. The

area was clean and eerily silent. She dumped the pancakes down the

disposal and went for her usual Special K. She blinked several times as

she opened her cupboard.

Her Special K was missing, along with the Cap’n Crunch and the

entire container of pancake mix.

“What the fuck?”

She looked in her garbage. The pancake container was on top, and

buried in the bottom she found the cereal boxes.

What was going on?

From her bedroom she heard her alarm going off. She ran her

hands through her hair and sighed.

It was time to get ready for work.

She showered and played over everything in her mind as she

dressed and then drove to work, hungry.

Sierra was young. She was nice. She was very attractive. But

something was off. She was verbally clingy, and what was with the

food?

At work, three hours later, Tamara laughed into the phone and

voiced her guesses on the situation. “Maybe she’s poor.”

“Poor?” Adrian sat back and sighed. She’d just relayed the previous

night’s happenings, and Tamara seemed amused.

“Yeah, maybe she can’t afford food. Maybe she’s really

homeless.”

“Oh my God.”

“Is she clingy? Already trying to move in?”

Adrian scribbled an x with her ballpoint pen. “Kind of. She calls

me baby and made me breakfast.”

“Shit, A. You’ve got to get rid of her.”

“Why do I always get the weird ones?”

“Haven’t you figured it out yet? Sweetie, we’re all weird. You’ve

just got to find a weirdo that complements you.”

“I refuse to accept that. Not everyone is weird. They just all seem

to find me is all.”

“Whatever you say.”

• 40 •

Chasing Love

“I know. You want to tell me that I’m going about things the

wrong way. That I’ll never find anyone and I’m doomed to spend all of

eternity alone.”

“Nah, I’m too tired to go into all that this early.”

“That’s a change.”

“You owe me.”

“How was the movie and your date?”

“You really want to know?”

Adrian chewed on her pen and imagined Tamara’s night. It was

probably way better than hers. Sex included. God, how depressing.

“No. Not really.”

Tamara laughed. “We didn’t even get to the movie.”

“Bitch.”

“Gotta go, stud.”

“What do I do when she calls?”

“Who?”

“The woman I’ve been talking about for the past half hour.”

“Oh, right. The Cap’n Crunch crook.”

“Funny.”

“If you don’t want to see her again, tell her. You’re good at that.”

“Hmm.” The pen lid softened under her teeth. Did she want to see

her again? The sex was great. But everything else…

“Call me later,” Tamara said.

They rang off and Adrian sat staring at her ancient metal desk. It

was quite drab with a worn desk blotter covered in her drawings, an

old phone, and a plastic Iowa Hawkeyes cup full of pens and pencils.

She stared at her creations on the blotter and a little flutter warmed in

her chest. Drawing was her automatic stress reliever and she’d been

doing it since grade school. They always started off simple enough,

just absentminded doodles, but soon she’d be immersed in adding the

details. And that was what she really loved, creating something intricate

from nothing. She sipped some tepid coffee and drew rings around the

stain from the mug, creating another beautiful flower. It soothed her as

she thought about the tough day ahead.

Thursdays were awful. A long, tortuous process she had to wade

through in order to reach Friday. What was worse was the mountain

of paperwork she had to get through. Friday afternoon was when they

shipped, so Thursday was invoice day.

• 41 •

RoniCa BLaCk

She groaned.

“Oh, come on. You love it here,” said Benny, her coworker of

three years, as he breezed into the room.

“You read my mind.” She gave him a smile as she leaned back in

her squeaky chair. “He in yet?”

“He” was her boss, Jake, an acquaintance of her stepfather, Louis.

Accordingly, she referred to him as Uncle Jake. He hated the name; he

wasn’t very fond of Louis, so she loved it even more. Benny had also

started calling him Uncle Jake, along with some of their dealers. It was

a running joke and it kept the office lively. There was nothing like a

Jake temper tantrum to get your bored blood going.

“Nah, you’re safe for another fifteen minutes or so.” He plopped

down behind his own desk and eyed her stack of invoices. “That’s all

for me, isn’t it?”

“Yep.”

He rubbed his face and she could hear the scrape of his five o’clock

shadow against his palms.

“I hate Thursdays. Thursday afternoons even more. I hate packing

and shipping.”

She laughed. “Wanna trade? You enter these and I’ll pull parts and

box?”

“No.” He sighed. “I’ve just gotta suck it up.”

“You’re afraid of Uncle Jake.”

“Yep.” This time he laughed.

Jake didn’t like people trading duties. Jake didn’t like much of

anything.

Despite his constant crankiness and rigidness, she liked him.

She’d been working for him since high school. Way back when, she

got expelled for getting it on with her girlfriend on school grounds. As

punishment, Louis thought she should work, and Jake had given her a

job paper pushing. She’d never gone back to high school. Getting her

GED had been easy enough.

After a long stretch, she retrieved her laptop from its case. She

turned it on and got busy re-listing parts on eBay. It was mindless and

easy, a warm-up before the actual run.

“Have I mentioned how much I hate auto parts?” she asked,

clicking away.

• 42 •

Chasing Love

“Not today you haven’t.” Benny was reloading shipping labels

into the printer.

“Yeah, well, I do. I hate them. Hate this damn place.”

“Uh-huh.”

“I do. I mean it.” She didn’t mean it. Not really. Well, not most

days. It was just fun to bitch.

“I know.”

The phone rang. Benny was still feeding the printer. She

answered.

“Jake’s.”

“Yeah, I’m looking for a set of billet valve covers for a three-fifty

small block.”

She fought off sighing and readied an invoice and a pencil.

“Flamed, milled, or plain?”

“Oh uh, I’m not sure.”

“You can take a look on our website.”

“Okay. Can you hold on a second?”

As she replied with a yes, she buried her head in her hand and

decided right then and there she would see Sierra again. She needed

something to look forward to, weird or not. The sex had been great.

Right?

She tapped the pencil against her forehead and smiled.

Five o’clock couldn’t come fast enough.

• 43 •

• 44 •

Chasing Love

ChapteR Five

Hi,” Sierra said as Adrian opened the door. She nearly jumped

into her arms.

“Hi.”

Sierra was glistening with a light mist from the drizzling rain, her

threadbare tank and hooded jacket clinging to her. The sight stirred

Adrian but the smell of wet, dank cigarette smoke did nothing for her.

Sierra kissed her firmly and held her face. “I missed you, baby.”

“I—uh—okay.” It was a quarter after midnight and Adrian was

just as tired as she was horny.

Sierra entered the apartment almost bouncing with delight as

Adrian closed and locked the door. This time she had a duffel bag with

her. It looked stuffed full.

“I’m sooo happy!” she said as she twirled around. “Where’s my

little Cuddly Wuddly?” She immediately started a search for the cats.

Adrian scratched her head and wondered if all this was worth an

orgasm or two. Or three.

Probably four.

Yep. It was worth it.

One and Two came trotting into the room, apparently excited to

see her. She scooped them both up and rubbed her face against theirs.

Adrian could hear the purring from where she stood.

“So you had to work late, huh?” She’d wanted to hook up around

seven but Sierra had said she was caught up at work.

Sierra set the cats down and walked toward her. She moved all

slinky and seductive. A silly grin on her face.

• 45 •

RoniCa BLaCk

“Yes, I did.”

Adrian fought off drooling. “What do you do again?”

“Customer service rep.”

Adrian was surprised at the quick answer.

“Oh.”

“I’m ready to service you now.” She grabbed Adrian’s T-shirt and

tugged her closer. “Ma’am.”

“Okay.”

Sierra pushed her toward the couch and forced her to sit. The

stereo came to life and Sierra urged the volume up.

Adrian protested. “It’s too loud. My neighbors.”

Sierra only giggled. “Trust me, they’ll prefer the music.”

She began to strip, dancing like a supple, moist temptress. First

the jacket and tank came off, and then the jeans. Tonight she wore a

burgundy thong, and the muscles of her ass rippled as she turned and

swung her hips.

Adrian licked her lips as her heart rate tripled. Sierra’s perfect ass

continued to seduce her and she wanted so badly to touch it, squeeze it,

bite it. But Sierra turned and moved closer. The pale skin of her chest

bloomed with red as she moved and excited herself by twisting her

nipples.

Adrian wanted her. Right here. Right now.

Sierra seemed to understand and she knelt to dig in her duffle bag.

When she straightened she held a pink cock and a bottle of lube. Like

she’d done it a hundred times before, she greased up the dildo and put

away the bottle. Then she straddled Adrian and unbuttoned her flannel

pants.

“I want you to fuck me,” she said, careful to rub her tits in Adrian’s

face as she maneuvered the cock into place just inside the fly of her

pants.

Adrian groaned a little and reached for her breasts. Sierra thrust

them into her mouth and clung to her hair. “Will you do that for me,

Adrian?” She tugged on her hair as she weaved against her. “Will you

fuck me?” Her eyes were wild and fierce.

Adrian nodded, nearly breathless.

Sierra kissed her hard. Shoved her tongue in her mouth and twirled

it around. Her hands found Adrian’s breasts where they pinched and

pulled. Adrian groaned again. This time louder.

• 46 •

Chasing Love

“That’s it, baby. I want you to want me. To fuck me so good.” She

laughed. The music played on. Insistent.

Adrian stared at her nude body and then down at the cock anchored

into her own pants. It was curved and pointing toward Sierra.

“Hold it for me,” Sierra said.

Adrian held the base and watched as Sierra turned herself

backward. The muscles in her back quivered as she sank down on the

cock. A deep grunt escaped her as she did so. Then she arched her back

and began to move, her ass pumping. She reached back for Adrian’s

hands and brought them up to her breasts.

“Make me scream,” she demanded, squeezing Adrian’s hands.

“Do it, baby.”

Adrian leaned forward and bit her back as she pinched her

nipples.

“Oh yes. Oh God, yes!”

Sierra gyrated some more. Faster and harder.

“Fucking take me, fuck me good.” She bounced on Adrian’s lap,

head back, her center collapsing over the dildo.

Smack, smack, smack.

Adrian bit her and licked her, her lips stunned and tingling at

the up-and-down movement of her back. She moaned into her as she

continued to work her tits, tugging and pinching.

Up and down she went. Bounce, bounce, bounce.

“Uh. Oh, yeah. Oh, fuck yeah.” Her voice grew deeper. “Fuck

yes.”

The music played.

Adrian grew wet. She could feel it soaking into her panties. The

heel of the dildo was just missing her clit, driving her mad.

“I want to come,” Sierra said. “I love to come.”

The neighbor started banging on the wall behind them. It only

drove Sierra harder.

“Do it. Do it. Fucking do it.”

And then she stopped and nearly jumped from Adrian’s lap. She

turned and straddled her again, this time facing her. She eased down on

the cock quickly and Adrian swore her pupils dilated.

“Oh God!” she said, gripping Adrian’s shoulders. “This is even

better. Fucking better.” She pumped faster and leaned forward. “Suck

my tits, baby. Suck ’em hard.”

• 47 •

RoniCa BLaCk

Adrian took each breast into her mouth nearly completely to suck

and hold.

“Oh, fuck. Fuck yes!”

Sierra placed her palms on the wall where the banging was coming

from. She pounded back.

“Yes, yes, yes! Make me come. Make me fuck-ing come!”

And then she slammed into Adrian like a woman dying, screaming

in a deep, guttural way, pounding on the wall.

There were no words. Just the long, deep scream.

The banging grew worse. Adrian could hear the neighbor

hollering.

“Shut the fuck up!”

But she didn’t care. She was so close to going over herself. Right

there. So good and so close she would’ve killed for it.

She released Sierra’s breast and struggled for air. Sierra went limp

in her arms.

“And I’m done.”

Adrian laughed. She couldn’t help it. “I guess so.”

Sierra laughed too.

They held each other for a while.

The neighbor stopped banging but he was still yelling about the

music. When Sierra crawled off her and removed the dildo, Adrian rose

on stiff legs and switched the music off.

The silence was weird. Heavy. Her ears rang.

Sierra was slipping into a T-shirt she’d pulled from her duffel

bag.

“I’m going to the bathroom,” Adrian said. She was so wet she

could hardly walk.

“Okay, but don’t get off. I’ll be in after I eat something.”

Adrian stared for a moment and thought about saying something.

But what would she say? No? Don’t eat my damn food?

Instead, she headed for the bathroom where she trembled in near

bliss when she peed. She refrained from pleasing herself and after she

brushed her teeth, she left the bathroom and collapsed on the bed.

In the kitchen she heard Adrian moving about. The fridge opened

and closed. She heard glass clink. Then the microwave.

What the hell was she making?

• 48 •

Chasing Love

She clutched her head and forced herself under the covers. She

didn’t want to think about it.

No.

She turned off the bedside lamp and thumped her pillow. The sex.

Think about the sex.

Mind-blowing sex.

Yes.

She fell asleep again to the beep of the microwave and the dramatic

meows of happiness from One.

• 49 •

• 50 •

Chasing Love

ChapteR six

The alarm went off and Adrian rolled over and growled,

silencing it. She snuggled back into the covers and closed her

eyes. She opened one as the sounds of snoring came from next to her.

And then a long, high-pitched fart followed.

Adrian flung the covers back and hurried to the bathroom. She

peed, turned on the shower, and undressed. A hickey marked her neck

and two more showed on her chest. The mirror fogged up and she risked

a peek back at the bed.

Sierra was under a hump of covers, out cold.

Adrian peeled back the shower curtain and climbed inside. The

water was wonderfully hot as it cascaded down her head and over her

shoulders. She thought back to the night with Sierra. She’d woken

Adrian up around one o’clock with long, firm licks up her inner legs,

having taken off Adrian’s pants without waking her. And she’d pleased

her well into the night, loving her with her mouth and tongue and

nimble fingers.

Unbelievable. All of it. The sex. The girl. The smell of cigarette

smoke in her hair when she’d come to bed. The food.

Ugh. Adrian wondered what the damage was from last night.

She’d felt Sierra climb from bed at least twice. She’d heard movement

in the kitchen and in the guest bathroom.

She soaped herself and shuddered as she skimmed over her clit. A

warm, tingling feeling spread upward from her center. She knew that

feeling and hadn’t felt it in a long while. She was sated. At least for the

time being.

• 51 •

RoniCa BLaCk

Sierra had done that.

When she finished, she brushed her teeth and dressed quietly.

Sierra snored loudly under the lump and One was strewn across her

foot. Two had taken up residence on Adrian’s pillow, languishing there

like a regal lion, paws spreading and contracting. He flicked his tail at

her as she approached Sierra.

Adrian gently shook her shoulder.

“Mmm.” Sierra flipped over, looking annoyed.

“Sierra. It’s morning. I’m getting ready to leave for work.”

She rolled over again and shoved the covers down. Her hair was

mussed.

“What?”

“I’m leaving soon.”

She opened her eyes slowly. Her hand went to her brow. “Oh.”

She didn’t move.

“I thought you might want some breakfast before you leave.”

Adrian didn’t want to be rude.

Sierra rubbed her eye.

“I’m staying here.”

Adrian wasn’t sure she heard right. “Sorry?”

“I don’t have to work until five.”

“Five p.m.?”

“Yes.” She sat up. “The night shift.”

“And you want to stay here?”

“If that’s okay.” She offered a sweet smile.

“What about your place?”

She shrugged. “I don’t have a ride home.”

Adrian sighed. “I could take you.”

“Wouldn’t it be easier if I stayed here? I’ll have dinner ready for

you when you come home. Please? I don’t want you to have to drive me

home right now. You need to go to work.”

She climbed up to her knees and tugged Adrian close. She was

nude and warm.

“See? Feel my heart.” She placed Adrian’s hand on her breast.

“That’s because of you.” She kissed her softly.

Adrian caved. “Okay.”

Sierra hugged her. “Thanks. I’ll have dinner made and ready for

you to heat up.”

• 52 •

Chasing Love

“That’s not necessary.” She had to get away from her, her warmth

tempting.

Sierra smiled. “I know. I want to.”

Adrian forced herself to back away. “I better go.”

“You want breakfast?” She stood.

“No, no. I eat at work,” she fibbed.

“Okay.” Sierra walked up and hung off her. “Have a good day,

sweetie.”

Despite the annoying sweet talk, Adrian wanted to melt into her

body. Just crawl back into bed with her. But she couldn’t. “Go back to

sleep,” she said.

They kissed. Sierra gave her a sad pouty look. “Okay.”

Adrian closed the door and headed into the kitchen. She didn’t

want to but she made herself look into the garbage.

A pile of wet paper towels sat on top. They were stained orange.

“What am I doing?” She sighed and then moved the paper towels.

“I must be crazy.” Beneath them she found an empty box of pasta and

an empty container of pasta sauce. There were also several candy bar

wrappers. She couldn’t bring herself to dig any farther. She knew what

this was. Knew it all too well.

She went into the guest bath and found more orange tainted paper

towels in the wastebasket. She knelt for a closer look at the toilet. There

were orange/red flecks along the base. She lifted the lid. She found two

more on the inside of the rim.

“Fuck.”

Sierra was throwing up her food. Binging and purging. She’d bet

her life on it.

“This is not good.”

She closed the lids and sat on the toilet, head in her hands. Her

insides clenched as memories came rushing back. Louis slapping her

hand at the dinner table, yanking her plate away, calling her fat. Louis

laughing at her, pinching her thighs painfully, sometimes leaving

bruises. She’d started starving herself but it had made her sick. So sick

she’d get dizzy and fall. So she’d started sneaking food. Binging in her

room and then throwing it all up in the bathroom.

“Baby?” Sierra called from the bedroom. “You still here? Change

your mind about breakfast?”

Adrian jumped up, startled. She scrubbed her hands and face and

• 53 •

RoniCa BLaCk

then stared at her reflection for a few seconds, trying to convince herself

that she was grown and no longer harming herself at Louis’s hand.

She hurried to the living room, needing to get the hell away. She

grabbed her keys and laptop case.

“No, I’m just heading out.”

She opened the front door and heard Sierra just before she closed

it.

“Good morning, Mr. Cuddly Wuddly Woo. Want some

breakfast?”

• 54 •

Chasing Love

ChapteR seven

Are you insane?” Tamara asked over the phone line during

their second conversation of the morning. Adrian hadn’t had

the guts to tell her during their first conversation. She sat forward in her

squeaky chair.

“She seems harmless.”

“You left her at your house? Alone? For all day?”

Benny looked over at her and wiggled his eyebrows. He knew

something was up. And he loved, absolutely loved, the gossip concerning

her love life.

“It’s not that bad. I trust her.” Do I?

“You don’t even know her! You just met her.”

“Calm down.” Truth was, she was growing concerned. She’d been

so caught up with the bulimia thing she hadn’t given much thought to

whether letting her stay was safe. But now Tamara was scaring the shit

out of her.

“I’m fine. You’re the one that’s screwed. She’s probably cleaned

out your place by now.”

There was a long silence. Adrian palmed her forehead. “You really

think I should worry?”

“Yes. You don’t know anything about her, Adrian. And what you

do know sounds pretty sketchy. A customer service rep? Did you ask

her what company she works for? And if she makes such good money,

where is her car?”

Adrian felt like groaning. Shit.

“What should I do?” She hadn’t even mentioned her theory on the

• 55 •

RoniCa BLaCk

throwing up yet. Tamara would literally drive to her office and hit her

over the head with a hammer to knock some sense into her.

She felt panicked and confused. Her mind completely useless.

“I’d go home.”

“Right now?”

“Yes.”

“Fuck.”

Tamara laughed. “That’s the last thing you need to be thinking

about right now.” There was a brief silence and Benny held up a paper

with dark letters written in marker.

More trouble in lesbian land?

She threw a pencil at him. It thumped against his upper arm.

“Ow!”

“She’s good in bed, isn’t she?” Tamara asked.

“Mmm-hmm.” She tossed another pencil as Benny tried to write

on another sheet of paper. He yowled when it struck his hand.

“I knew it.”

“Come on. I’m not that bad.”

“Yes, you are. You and every other red-blooded dyke.”

“Not you, T. You would’ve gotten rid of her, right?”

“Well, I sure wouldn’t have left her alone in my house after two

days.”

Adrian sighed. Benny had given up writing and wadded up the

paper. He threw it at her. She caught it with one hand and tossed it back

at him.

He laughed.

“Listen, I need to go.”

“What are you doing tonight?” Adrian asked.

“I don’t know. Hopefully, I won’t be taking you furniture

shopping.”

“Ha ha.”

“Call me later?”

“Yep.”

“Good luck.”

“Thanks.” Adrian hung up and perched on the edge of her chair.

Benny sat there at his desk grinning at her.

“Don’t start,” she said.

• 56 •

Chasing Love

“I would never.” He wheeled his chair over to another desk where

the box of doughnuts sat. He grabbed a chocolate éclair and bit into it.

Chewing, he wheeled back to his own desk.

Her stomach growled at the sight. She’d yet to eat breakfast. But

her head wouldn’t let her. She was too nervous. She stood and reached

for her car keys. It was pushing eleven o’clock. Her stomach dropped

as she imagined opening her front door to find her apartment empty.

One and Two gone, along with her possessions.

“Going somewhere?” Benny asked and then took another bite.

“Home. I’ll be back shortly.” I hope.

“What about Uncle Jake?”

“Cover for me.”

He nearly choked. “How?”

“I don’t care. Make something up.”

“Your period?”

She shot him a look.

He sat looking lost, a crumb on his chin. “What? That’s what girls

used to say in high school.”

She shook her head. “Fine. Whatever.”

He snapped his fingers and grew excited. “Cramps. That’s it.

That’s what they used to say. I’ll tell him you have cramps.”

She stared at him for a long moment. “You’re a weird dude,

Benny.”

He smiled and she headed for the door. “You’re welcome.”

v

Adrian approached her apartment carefully, almost as if the door

handle would strike out and bite her. Hand on the knob, she pressed

her ear to the door and listened. She heard voices. Two of them.

Panic.

Maybe it was the television. She listened closer, willing her

heartbeat to slow. There was laughter. A voice. It was a woman’s. Then

another voice. It was Sierra’s.

Adrenaline came. Hot and fast. Adrian shoved open the door.

Sierra let out a little screech. The other woman just stared. They were

both on the sofa, smoking cigarettes.

• 57 •

RoniCa BLaCk

Sierra clutched her chest. “Jesus, baby, you scared the shit out of

me.” Adrian hurriedly scanned the room. There were boxes with no lids

near the kitchen, stuffed full of odds and ends. She noted a standing

lamp with a leopard print lampshade. Several feather boas hung off

the back of the kitchen chairs. A lazy stack of DVDs stood on the

entertainment center.

“What the fuck is all this?” She wanted to scream but her throat

was tight with anger.

Sierra laughed nervously. “Sweetie, this is Ginger. My

roommate.”

Adrian didn’t look at her. She didn’t want to.

“Former roommate,” the girl added.

Adrian did look at them this time. She glared.

Sierra stood, a forced smile on her face. “I wasn’t expecting you

so soon.”

“Apparently.”

“Don’t get upset. Ginger just brought me some of my things.”

“I see that. Why?”

Sierra looked at Ginger and jerked her head toward the door. The

girl rose and glided past them, her big blue eyes holding Adrian’s gaze.

She smiled.

Adrian wanted to smack her.

When the door closed, Sierra tugged on Adrian’s hand. She pulled

her toward the couch.

“No.”

She gave Adrian that pouty look. “You’re mad?”

“Mad doesn’t even come close.”

“It’s just for a little while.”

“What’s just for a little while?”

Sierra spoke softer, almost like a baby. “I don’t have anywhere

else to go.”

So there it was. The truth. Probably just a crumb of the whole pie,

but she was grateful for that much.

“Why?”

“Ginger is moving and I haven’t had time to get a new roommate

or a new place.”

• 58 •

Chasing Love

“When is she moving?”

Sierra seemed stumped. She fumbled for an answer. “Soon. A few

days.”

Adrian didn’t believe her.

“Look, I promise it won’t be for long.”

“You’re damn right it won’t be.” The smell of cigarettes was

horrible. She felt dizzy and nauseous in her own house. “What about

this supposed job you have?”

“What about it?”

“Do you really have one?”

Sierra looked offended. “Yes.”

“And you make enough to have your own place?”

She placed her hands on her hips. She was wearing the threadbare

tank and Adrian’s flannel pants. “Yes.”

“Then get dressed.” Adrian went for the glass tumbler they’d been

using as an ashtray. She took it to the guest bath and flushed the ashes.

Then rinsed it and tossed it in the garbage. “And tell your friend to get

lost.”

“Why?”

Adrian almost expected her to stomp her foot.

“Because we’re leaving, that’s why.”

“Where we going?”

“To find you an apartment.” She retrieved a spray bottle of Febreze

and saturated her furniture.

“No. You don’t need to do that.”

“Yes, I do. You can’t move in here.”

“I’m not! It’s just for a few days.” Her voice went hoarse and

Adrian wondered if it was from smoking or purging. It didn’t matter,

she didn’t want to have to handle either one.

“I don’t care. I said no.”

A knock came from the door. Adrian opened it to find the smiling

young woman.

“What’s your name again? Cinnamon?” Adrian asked.

“Whatever you want it to be.” She licked her full lips.

“Okay. Well, how about Get?”

She seemed confused. “Get?”

“Yeah. As in get lost.” She slammed the door.

• 59 •

RoniCa BLaCk

“You can’t do that!” Sierra struggled to shout, hurrying to open

it.

Adrian heard her calling after her friend. They were cussing,

voices raised.

The Febreze wasn’t strong enough, so she opened the back

windows and turned on the ceiling fans. She found two thick scented

candles and plugged in the candle warmers. It would take a while for

them to heat up, but hopefully they’d do the trick.

Sierra returned looking ashen and angry, her face pinched.

“That was really dick of you,” she said.

“So is this.” Adrian held out her hands to indicate the room full of

foreign objects.

“I didn’t do it to make you mad.”

Well, no shit.

“I did it because I have no other choice.”

“You should’ve talked to me about it.”

Sierra nodded. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“Doing this behind my back—”

“I was going to have it put away before you got home.”

“It wouldn’t matter, Sierra. It’s wrong.” She raised her voice and

trembled in anger. Not wanting to yell any further, she headed for the

bedroom to check the rest of the apartment. The bed was made and

everything appeared to be in place on her dresser. She moved farther in

and found two garbage bags full of clothes in front of the closet.

Thankfully, all of her own clothes were still hanging in the closet,

the safe still on the top shelf.

She breathed deep and walked back to the living room. Sierra was

sitting on the couch with her head in her hands crying.

Great.

“I’m sorry. I just—I didn’t know what else to do.”

Adrian crossed her arms over her chest. I’m not giving in. I’m not

giving in.

“Ginger totally screwed me on this. She just told me four days

ago. Said I had to leave by the end of the week.”

“Why?”

“Because she met some guy and she—”

“What about the lease? She can’t just walk out on the lease.”

• 60 •

Chasing Love

“I don’t know. She didn’t say.”

“It’s bullshit.”

“What?” She looked up at her with watery eyes.

“Her story. Your story.”

“I’m telling you the truth!”

“Then why can’t you just take over her lease and stay in the

apartment?”

“I don’t know, okay? I’m just telling you what she told me.”

“Well, I don’t believe it. So get dressed and we’ll go down there

and take care of it.”

She stood. “No.”

“Why not?”

“Because. I don’t want to deal with them right now.”

“Them?”

Sierra shook her head as if she were confused. “Her—Ginger.

She’s pissed now.”

“We’ll talk to the manager.”

“No. Not right now.” She looked at Adrian. “I’ll do it. I

promise.”

“Today.”

“Today.”

“Right now.”

Sierra sighed. “Okay. But you don’t need to come.”

“I think I should.”

“No, I’m not a baby. I can do it.”

Adrian’s cell phone vibrated. It was a text from Benny.

Uncle Jake back. Asked how long u wil b gone. We need 2

ship.

“I can do it,” Sierra said. “I’ll do it right now.” She went toward

the bedroom. Adrian saw her strip and slip into worn jeans and a light

button-down to go over the tank. She finger-combed her hair and wiped

her face. Her nipples struggled to poke through the thin tank top.

She looked so fragile. Adrian imagined her bent over the toilet

making herself throw up. She remembered how it felt. The horrible

burning of the throat, the taste, the smell. She knew what that was like.

And she could only wish someone had shown her an ounce of kindness

back then.

• 61 •

RoniCa BLaCk

“Please, just give me a chance. I’ll go right now.”

“How? You don’t have a car.”

“I’ll take the bus.”

“You sure? Why don’t you have a car?”

“I do. It’s in the shop.”

“For how long?”

“I’m not sure. It needs body work.”

Adrian wanted to roll her eyes. More bullshit. “I don’t believe

you.”

“Look, I’m telling the truth. It’s in bad shape. It’s been in the shop

for over a week. As soon as I get paid again I should be able to get it.”

Another text came. Benny again.

Hello?

Shit.

Sierra hugged her. Trembled against her. Despite the smoky

smell, she felt good. And she wasn’t trying to take anything. Quite the

opposite. She was trying to move in.

“Okay.”

Sierra jerked with more sobs.

“Thank you. Thank you so much.”

“But you need to go. Right now. I’m not comfortable giving you a

key yet. This all kind of scared me.”

Sierra pulled away. “Okay. I understand.” She wiped her eyes

again.

“So take what you need. I’ll be home at five fifteen.”

“I have to work.” She sounded sad. Squeaky.

“Do you have a ride home from work?” Christ, why am I asking?

“Uh-huh. Ginger.”

“She works with you?”

“Yes.”

“But you said she’s mad.”

“She’ll get over it.”

Another text came. Adrian didn’t even bother to look.

“Okay, I gotta go.” She headed for the door. Sierra slipped into her

shoes and grabbed a heavy-looking purse. Then she grabbed a duffel

Adrian didn’t recognize.

They stepped outside and Adrian locked the door.

• 62 •

Chasing Love

“One other thing,” she said as they walked. “Don’t smoke in my

house.”

“Okay.”

“Ever again.”

Sierra nodded. “I won’t. I swear.”

Let’s hope you keep your promises, Sierra.

• 63 •

• 64 •

Chasing Love

ChapteR eight

Adrian came home, exhausted, with a six-pack of Corona. The

apartment smelled better and she was grateful, collapsing on

the couch with a cold bottle of beer. Friday. Thank God. She took a long

sip and glanced around.

Sierra’s boxes were here and there along with the leopard lamp.

She thought about how young she was. How seemingly vulnerable.

One and Two came trotting in as she switched on the television

with the remote. They stopped at her feet and looked up at her as if they

were disappointed.

“What? I’m not good enough anymore?”

Two yawned. One flopped down and rolled onto his back.

She drank some more beer and settled in for an episode of The

Deadliest Catch. She wasn’t ten minutes into a new episode when the

doorbell rang. The cats scattered. Her body tensed as possibilities ran

through her mind.

Sierra?

Or was it—what was her name? Ginger?

Groaning, she rose and pulled open the door.

Tamara stood leaning on her arm which was propped up against

the wall. She looked like James Dean in Rebel Without a Cause. Red

jacket and all.

“T.” Adrian relaxed. “Thank God.”

Tamara followed her inside. “Thank God?”

“Yeah, well, after the day I’ve had, I’d pay to see you.” Adrian

returned to the couch and plopped down. “Grab a beer and sit.”

Tamara raised her chin. “Smells different in here. Good, but

• 65 •

RoniCa BLaCk

different. What happened, did you burn something and have to cover it

or something?”

“Not exactly.”

Tamara suddenly stopped and looked around. Her eyes swept over

the lamp and the boxes, settling on the feather boas.

“Oh, hell no.”

Adrian laughed. What else could she do?

Tamara walked up to the leopard lamp and touched it. “Hell no.”

She walked to the boxes and dug around a bit, fishing out a stuffed

gorilla holding a banana bank. Beer Money was written on his tummy.

“Hell, hell no.”

Adrian laughed again and gulped some more beer. “You don’t

have to say it. I know. Believe me, I know.”

Tamara stared at her. She raised an eyebrow. Adrian held up a

palm.

“Really, T. I know. Grab a beer and come sit.”

“She’s not here?”

“No.”

Tamara went to the fridge and grabbed the box containing the

remaining three beers. She returned to the couch and sat, twisting open

her bottle and setting the rest on the coffee table. She tucked one leg

under the other and sipped her beer.

“So what’s going on? She’s moving in?” Her brown eyes were

dancing with curiosity. She still had on her blue denim Steinman’s work

shirt and her earplugs were dangling from her neck on their necklace.

She worked at a small factory and was one of the managers on the

assembly line. She’d worked there almost as long as Adrian had been

at Jake’s.

“No.”

“Could’ve fooled me.”

“She needs a place and she brought her stuff over for the time

being.”

“You let her? Are you nuts? You’ll never get rid of her now.”

“I didn’t let her. I came home and it was here.” She finished her

beer. Rain splattered the TV screen as one of the boats rode out a storm

somewhere near Alaska.

Tamara breathed long and deep. She always did that when she was

trying not to get upset.

• 66 •

Chasing Love

“I took care of it,” Adrian said, reaching for another beer.

“How?”

“I told her she couldn’t move in. That she needed to find her own

place.”

“So what’s with her stuff?”

“It was already here. I said she could stay for a few days.”

Tamara clicked her tongue like a first grade teacher admonishing

a bad student. “You’re nuts.”

“What am I going to do? Toss it all out on the street?”

“Yes.”

“You’re cruel.”

Tamara smirked. “I’ve been called worse.”

They both drank and sunk farther into the cushions. Tamara kicked

off her shoes. Adrian did the same.

“You hungry?”

“Getting there.” Adrian yawned.

“Pizza?”

“Sure.”

“Half works and half pepperoni?”

“Sounds good.”

Tamara found the phone and ordered. Adrian fought closing her

eyes. She and Benny had worked nonstop when she’d returned. Her

arms hurt from lifting box after box. Jake had walked by and merely

grunted at her. She’d sighed with relief.

“So where is she?”

Adrian straightened, more alert. “Work.”

“At her mysterious job?”

“I guess. She said she has a car too. It’s in the shop.”

“Right.”

“I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt.”

“Obviously.”

Adrian smiled. “So where’s your hunny bunny?”

“She’s probably just getting home.”

“Not going to see her tonight?”

“Who said that?” She tugged on her beer. “I’m just making sure

you’re okay, and then it’s home to my sweet mama.”

“Ugh. God. Don’t talk like that. You’re making me sick.”

“You’re just jealous.”

• 67 •

RoniCa BLaCk

Adrian thought for a moment. “Probably.” Not of “It” but of

Tamara’s assuredness and happiness. Two things she secretly wanted

for herself.

“But hey.” Tamara slapped her arm playfully. “At least you’re

having great sex.”

Adrian felt herself redden. After all these years Tamara could still

get her to blush.

“Don’t give me that bashful shit.”

“Okay, okay. It’s pretty hot. She’s, er, energetic.”

“She’s also twelve.”

“Twenty-one.”

Tamara laughed. “Close enough.”

Adrian saw her face change, saw the far-off look and then the

sharpness of her eyes.

“Don’t do it.”

“Do what?”

“What you always do. Tell me I need to settle down.”

Tamara stroked her lips thoughtfully. “But I want to.”

“I know.”

“This calls for it. It so does. And you know it.”

“Yes, I do. But I don’t need to hear it.”

Tamara started in anyway. “I just don’t get why you’re doing this.

Hooking up online—”

“I haven’t done it that much. In fact, Sierra’s the first one in…a

while.”

“The point is you shouldn’t be meeting women like that. One after

the other. One-night stands, short hook-ups.”

“Well, no one interests me beyond a short hook-up.”

“That’s another thing we need to talk about. The way you find

something wrong with everyone.”

“Oh come on, T. One woman wanted a threesome with her

husband. Another—”

“I’m not talking about the obvious weirdoes. I’m talking about—

well, what about Heidi?”

“The clog dancer?”

“It was Irish dancing, and she was totally cute.”

“She smelled like ketchup.”

• 68 •

Chasing Love

Tamara smacked her forehead with her palm. “See what I

mean?”

“Well, she did. She always smelled like ketchup. Even her

apartment did.”

“You’re incorrigible.”

“Name another one.” Adrian set her beer between her thighs and

crossed her arms over her chest, determined.

“What about that veterinarian? She was nice.”

Adrian fought rolling her eyes.

“She was,” Tamara added. “So what was wrong with her?”

Adrian shrugged. “I don’t know. She bored me.”

“I’m telling you it’s not just them, Adrian. It’s you. You either go

for total psychos or you nitpick the good ones. You always move way

too fast. Just give it a rest for a while.”

The doorbell rang. Tamara rose and paid the pizza girl. She brought

it inside and tossed it haphazardly on the couch between them. They ate

right out of the box.

Tamara took a steaming bite and picked up where she left off.

“Just chill for a while. Explore yourself. Let love find you.”

“Sounds really boring and very Dr. Phil.”

“More like Oprah. And you have to do things. Get out more.” She

paused while they both chewed. “Do things you enjoy.”

“Like what?”

“We have that new art class starting tomorrow.”

Adrian grumbled. She’d totally forgotten.

“Come on. You’ll love it. You’re very creative.”

Adrian frowned.

“You’re not getting out of it. So don’t even try.”

Adrian continued to eat her pizza as she considered it. She did like

art. And she was creative. She’d just never really focused on it before,

coming up with most of her ideas and implementing them at work.

“I don’t know,” she said sipping her beer. “You know how I feel

about school.” She didn’t have fond memories.

“It’s not a class class. It’s for fun. You don’t get graded or anything.

You just go to learn and enjoy.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

• 69 •

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“What if I get bored?”

“We’ll leave. You promised me a month ago you would do this

with me.”

Adrian thought about it some more. It did sound a bit interesting.

And she vaguely remembered Tamara selling her on it a while back.

They ate in silence for a while with the Discovery Channel playing in

the background.

Tamara finally spoke, still trying to convince her.

“I know you like to learn. With all the books you used to read—”

“Okay, okay. I’ll go.”

“Really?” She took a bite of pizza crust.

“I’ll give it a try.” It couldn’t hurt. Right?

Tamara smiled. “I can’t wait. I’ve been wanting to take an art

class. Harriet took one—”

“Harriet.” Harriet? Again? God, it had been months of nonstop

Harriet.

Tamara stopped. “So?”

She shouldn’t have said anything. It had just come out. “Nothing.

Sorry.”

“What’s with it with you? Why don’t you like her?”

“I don’t not like her.”

“Yeah, obviously you do.” She finished her beer and sat back with

her arms crossed. “And I want to know why. Especially considering

you haven’t even met her yet.”

“I—” She hadn’t met her. And she didn’t want to.

“I know why.” She stood. “Because you’re jealous.”

“It’s not that, T. It’s just—”

“Yeah?”

“You’re always going on about her.”

“So?”

“So it gets tiring.”

“I see. I bore you.”

“No, come on.”

Tamara carried her beer bottles to the trash. Her movements were

quick and sharp. She was obviously pissed.

Adrian stood. “I just have to hear about it all the time.”

“Well, you won’t anymore.”

“T, don’t be like that.”

• 70 •

Chasing Love

“I’m not being like anything.” She headed for the door. “I’m sorry

I bore you with talk of my girlfriend.”

“You don’t bore me. It’s just constant is all.”

“That’s because she’s special. I think she’s the one and I happen

to be excited about it.” She pulled open the door. “And I really wish I

could share that with my best friend.”

“T, come on.”

She turned and slipped into her jacket. “I’ll call you tomorrow

about the class.”

“Forget about the class.”

“Hell, no. You’re going. Consider it punishment for being an

ass.”

Adrian laughed. Typical Tamara. She couldn’t leave mad.

“Now, give me a kiss so I can go.” She offered Adrian her cheek.

Adrian kissed it. “I’ll call you. Good luck with Cap’n Crunch.”

“Thanks.” Adrian watched her go and then closed the door. She

put away the leftover pizza and then settled back down on the couch.

She turned off the lamp and stretched out to watch more TV.

A half a hour later, when sleep came, she let it.

• 71 •

• 72 •

Chasing Love

ChapteR nine

Adrian stirred as she heard the front door open and close.

Someone was humming. She opened her eyes and saw it was

Sierra.

“Hey, baby,” Sierra said.

Suddenly she was at Adrian’s level, a huge grin on her face. The

smell of beer and cigarettes permeated from her.

Adrian sat up. “Hi.”

“You fell asleep waiting for me? How sweet.”

Adrian didn’t argue. “I guess. Was watching some TV.”

Sierra sat on her lap. “Poor baby. So tired. I think you deserve a

prize.”

She blinked her heavily made-up eyes and she looked almost like

a woman of the sixties with thick eyeliner and mascara.

“Where have you been?”

Sierra stroked Adrian’s hair and hugged her. “Hmm? I’ve been at

work.”

“What’s with the makeup?”

Sierra stiffened, then stood. To Adrian’s surprise, she went straight

into the bedroom and closed the door. Water ran and soon, the shower.

Seeing an opportunity, Adrian knelt next to Sierra’s bag. She dug

through it carefully and immediately found two rubber-banded stacks

of money. Fanning them, she saw they were mostly ones and fives

and a few twenties. She returned the money and continued to dig. She

felt more paper. Wads of it. Looking farther, she saw they were fast

food wrappers. A dozen or so. There was also a small red book full of

• 73 •

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names and phone numbers. She flipped through it and found that most

of the names were men and most included a symbol. Some had hearts,

some had stars, some had dollar signs. A few had skull-and-crossbones

designs.

Adrian’s heart went into panic mode. The book and its meaning

made her feel sick inside. She closed it and dug farther. She found a

pack of cigarettes, a can of pepper spray, and several pairs of thong

underwear.

What the hell is all this?

She held up the underwear, knowing the answer somewhere down

deep.

“Fuck.”

She shoved everything back into the bag. Sierra wasn’t telling her

everything. In fact, she probably wasn’t telling her near everything.

She walked slowly into to the bedroom and sat on the bed, staring

straight ahead. She could hear Sierra singing in the shower. It was a

popular song about trust. How ironic.

Adrian stripped out of her clothes and pulled back the covers to

climb into bed. It was after two and she was beat. Her mind, though,

couldn’t relax. Sierra was trouble. She just knew it.

The light from the bathroom soon extinguished and Sierra emerged

naked. She smelled of shampoo and sweet pea–scented soap or lotion.

Her skin felt warm and slightly moist as she crawled under the covers

and snuggled next to Adrian.

“Hi.”

Adrian considered pretending she was asleep. But she decided

against it, too worked up to sleep anyhow. “Hi.”

“I’m surprised you’re still awake.” Sierra clung to her. “You ready

for your prize?”

“No, not really.”

“Not in the mood?” She sounded pouty.

“No.”

“Ah, that’s too bad.”

Sierra stroked her face. Her breath smelled like toothpaste with a

hint of beer. Maybe she was a bit inebriated.

“Are you okay?” Sierra asked.

Adrian didn’t answer right away.

“Baby?”

• 74 •

Chasing Love

“I don’t think so.”

The room was dark and silent. The only light a dim nightlight

from the kitchen.

“Why?”

What to say?

“I don’t know.”

Ask her. Ask her. Ask her.

Ask her what?

Are you a stripper?

A bulimic?

A house hopper?

Adrian rolled over. She just wanted to sleep. To wake up and find

Sierra gone, off living her life happily somewhere. Anywhere. Just not

here.

It wasn’t that she didn’t like her. She did. She just didn’t want her

living in her home. They weren’t girlfriends. They weren’t anything.

She didn’t even know her last name. She knew it, but Sierra hadn’t

shared it with her.

“I bet I can make you feel better.” Sierra slipped her hand around

Adrian’s waist and tried to place it between her legs. Adrian stopped

her by grabbing her wrist.

“No. Not tonight.”

“How come?”

“I’m tired.”

“Too tired for me?”

“Yes.”

She felt Sierra move away from her. Heard her huff and felt her

climb from the bed.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m leaving you alone.”

Adrian turned. Sierra was rummaging through a pile of clothes in

a box. For a brief moment, Adrian thought she might dress and leave

the apartment.

But that thought was stymied as Sierra slid into some panties and

a sleeveless shirt.

“You’re getting up?”

“I’m hungry.”

Of course you are.

• 75 •

RoniCa BLaCk

One and Two seemed to understand and they came out from under

the bed and followed her into the kitchen.

Adrian listened for a while, wondering what was left in there

to eat other than pizza. She heard the fridge open and close, then the

microwave and then Sierra talking to the cats. After a while, it was

silent and Adrian closed her eyes.

She recalled the two years she’d suffered with bulimia. The

binging until she was stuffed and then the purging into the toilet. She

remembered the fear, the total loss of control. How it had made her so

sick she could hardly swallow or hold anything down.

It was bad.

The stench.

The taste.

The retching.

Awful.

Humiliating.

And now she was living it again.

Through Sierra.

• 76 •

Chasing Love

ChapteR ten

Saturday morning burst through the bedroom windows in

cheery, bright rays of yellow and orange. Adrian blinked

against it and rolled over, expecting to find Sierra. The bed was empty

and she strained to see if she could hear her moving about the kitchen

or talking to the cats. But there was nothing.

Sighing with relief, she stretched and groaned and languished

in her sheets. The alarm clock on the nightstand read 10:15. She’d

slept late and her body seemed to be thanking her for it, her muscles

wonderfully relaxed and warm from her stretch.

Saturday was always her favorite day. No obligations, no Uncle

Jake— Wait. She sat up.

“Shit. The damn class.” It started at eleven. She hurried into the

bathroom and turned on the shower. Sierra’s toothbrush sat staring at

her along with a kid’s tube of bubble gum–flavored toothpaste. A good-

sized makeup bag was snug against the mirror, covered in a thin layer

of facial powder. Sierra’s name was written in marker across the front.

Is she afraid I’m going to use her make up or mistake it for my own?

Good grief.

Where was Sierra? Why did she care? She wasn’t there, and that

was all that mattered. She jumped in the shower and tried not to think

about her as she bathed, but the task was difficult with Sierra’s shampoos

and conditioners huddled in every corner of the tub. She was like a

virus. Her toiletries, her germs, spreading and growing and occupying

her world. Pretty soon she’d be breathing her in, carrying her presence

into every cell in her body.

She had to do something or she was going to go insane. She

• 77 •

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climbed from the shower and dressed quickly, running a cream pomade

through her hair and hurriedly going back to brush her teeth. When she

entered the kitchen she found a note from Sierra on the counter.

I’m gone for the day and I have to work very late. S.

Adrian crumpled up the message and threw it away. She was

probably afraid she was going to bug her again about finding her own

place. And she was right, because that was exactly what she’d planned

on doing. Taking her apartment hunting.

But it was just as well. She had class and she preferred to have

her place to herself. She searched through her cabinets and scowled,

unable to find much of anything left she felt like eating. So she downed

a glass of juice and slipped on her coat, leaving the cats asleep against

one another on the couch.

She enjoyed the drive to the community college, loving the feel

of a bright fall day. Tamara was waiting for her outside one of the main

buildings. Her face showed pleasant surprise as Adrian approached.

“What? You really didn’t think I’d show, did you?”

“Nope.”

“Thanks.”

“You came to get away from her, didn’t you?” Tamara looked

freshly scrubbed and wide-awake, wearing her trademark red jacket

and carrying a large tote that was probably full of supplies.

“No. She wasn’t there when I woke. Said she would be gone all

day and wouldn’t be back until late.”

“Really?”

“Mmm-hmm.”

“She must be afraid to stick around while you’re home.”

“That’s what I figured.”

“Try not to worry about it right now. Don’t let her ruin this

class.”

They entered the building and Adrian felt snug in its warmth. She

powered off her phone and let it sink in her pocket. Tamara was right.

It was time to focus on this, even if it wasn’t something she was totally

excited about.

They wound their way through a peppering of people and turned

the corner into a second hallway. The smell of paint and clay and

graphite struck her nose and Adrian found herself smiling in sudden

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anticipation. She eyed one open classroom and then another as they

passed by. And then Tamara led them into theirs.

“Welcome,” a smooth female voice said as they entered. Adrian

searched for the source and found it standing off to the side wearing

a knee-length free-flowing dark green dress with black leggings and

fur-lined black boots. Adrian bumped into Tamara, caught up in the

woman’s sun and sand–colored hair and green eyes. Her smile could’ve

melted Antarctica.

“Let’s sit here.” Tamara led her to the far back table where they

made themselves comfortable on stools. The room smelled like paint

and clay just like the hallway did, only with the faint scent of chai.

Adrian ran her palms over the soft, thick wood of the table, trying not to

stare at the woman who had greeted them. Tamara took their coats and

hung them on a rack along the wall. She was all smiles as she returned

to sit next to Adrian.

“This is gonna be so much fun.”

“Is that our teacher?” Adrian asked.

“Probably.”

“She’s really…pretty.”

“Pretty?”

“Yeah. You know.”

“She is pretty. And probably married. Way off-limits.”

“I’m not interested. I was just…” Noticing. She stole another

glance. The boots weren’t high heeled. They were flat and looked very

warm. And the small beads wrapping her wrists looked modest and

pleasant. Her earrings dangled and matched. But she wore no necklace.

More importantly, she wore no ring.

The woman greeted another student and closed the door. She

crossed to the front of the class and clasped her hands together as she

smiled. Her gaze drifted to Adrian, where it lingered oh so briefly.

“Can I have everyone’s attention?”

The people around them, all of them women, quieted down.

“Thank you. I’m Morresay Morgan. And I will be your instructor

for this class. Art Expression for Women.”

Adrian shot a look to Tamara. “A women’s class?” she

whispered.

“I thought we’d be more comfortable here.”

• 79 •

RoniCa BLaCk

“You surround me with women but you don’t want me worrying

about one ruining class?”

“Shut up and listen.”

Up front, the woman had stopped talking. She was looking at

Adrian, who blushed profusely. Thankfully, the woman continued.

“Please call me Morresay.”

Morresay. Adrian grew more curious. What an unusual name.

Who was she?

“I teach art at one of our local schools along with a beginning art

class here at the college. I created this one for the general public to help

connect women with expression through art. I find there’s nothing more

therapeutic or stimulating.”

She crossed to a side table full of supplies and lifted a stack of off-

white art paper and began passing it out.

“Use the pencils on your tables to write down your name and

telephone number and an e-mail address if you have it. After that, I

want you to tell me about any art experience you have, such as classes

you’ve taken or books you’ve read, et cetera. Then tell me why you’re

taking the class.”

When she reached Adrian’s table she didn’t look up, just slid over

the papers. Tamara passed around the pencils from a basket in the center

and Adrian got busy doing as instructed. She finished quickly, having

no previous art experience and no real reason for taking the class. She

simply wrote “my friend wanted to.”

Everyone passed their papers forward and Morresay started in on

expression and how to use art to express oneself with the upcoming

art media, and how the class wasn’t about perfection but about

individuality.

“We’re going to start with pencils today. I want you each to just

start drawing. Let your mind go and see where it takes you. Don’t be

afraid. Draw whatever is there. Use the pencil, use shading, use the

colored pencils. Just let it all out.”

The class mumbled and stirred as Morresay handed out larger

pieces of paper. This time she smiled at Adrian when she reached their

table.

“Do you have a question?”

Adrian shook her head.

“Don’t hesitate to ask.” She touched her shoulder and Adrian’s

• 80 •

Chasing Love

body reacted at once to the heat she felt coming from her hand. In a

flash, it was gone and she was patting the middle-aged woman next to

Adrian on the back as she walked away.

“You may begin,” she said, once again glancing at Adrian. “You

have until the end of class.”

There was more rustling and soft whispers as everyone focused.

Soon the class was silent, save for the scratches of their pencils across

paper. Adrian started in with a new pencil Tamara handed over from

her bag. She’d brought plenty of supplies for the both of them. Adrian

stared at the paper and started drawing a large oval shape, completely

unsure where she was going. To her surprise, a face developed. Then

eyes, cheeks, chin…and an X where the mouth should be. Something

within her churned and she pulled the paper closer, knowing what she

must draw. It was just suddenly in her mind’s eye and she couldn’t get

it out fast enough or dark enough. She worked furiously, going over

and over her lines. Then she started with the shading, laying her pencil

down to use her fingertips. She pressed and smeared and pressed and

smeared. Her heart thumped pleasantly and her whole body seemed to

hum, powering her hand.

Before she knew it, time was up and Morresay was speaking.

“Please place your papers on my desk on your way out. I’ll e-mail

you with some notes about the next class, so please check your mail. If

you need a hard copy you can take one from my desk. Thanks, everyone.

See you Wednesday.”

“You ready?” Tamara was standing next to her. “Whoa, Adrian.

That’s incredible. Look at mine.” She held up a colorful drawing of a

peacock.

“That’s good.”

“It’s remedial. Yours is…Jesus. What is it?”

“Nothing.” She stood and they made their way to Morresay’s

desk. Adrian’s heart rate slowed when she saw a framed photo of a man

sitting on the desk. He looked to be laughing and the light seemed to be

dancing in his eyes. He must be her boyfriend. Or lover or something

intimate. She was too attractive to be single. Still, Adrian knew she’d

enjoy looking at her. She read the wooden nameplate next to the photo.

It read Morresay in cursive. Adrian placed her paper face down and

breathed deeply as they stepped into the noon air. She felt refreshed and

at ease, as if the class had been a pleasant rush of adrenaline.

• 81 •

RoniCa BLaCk

“So you’re going to come back with me Wednesday?” Tamara

asked, fishing out her car keys.

“Yes.” It was out before she knew it. “It was fun.”

WTF? Fun?

Tamara seemed surprised as well. “I wasn’t expecting that good a

reaction. But great.”

Adrian found herself smiling again. The smile lasted all the way

home but diminished as soon as she entered her apartment. The virus

that was Sierra was everywhere still, staring at her from the numerous

boxes. She sighed and sank down on the couch next to the cats. The

reality of her day slowly eased in followed by the all-too-familiar

restlessness. The class had cleansed her somehow and she wanted

nothing more than to retain that feeling and just relax the rest of the day.

But Sierra’s things, her presence, reminded Adrian of what she didn’t

have, of what she wanted and always was after. Passion. Romance.

That rush of fire you feel just as you kiss a new lover. It was a high

that leveled everything else in her life. Loneliness, bad thoughts, bad

memories. All of it was just obliterated when she had that fire.

She rose and went into the bedroom closet to retrieve her laptop.

She’d hidden it from Sierra under a loose stack of folded sweaters on

the shelf. With it in tow, she sat at the kitchen table and switched it on.

It didn’t take long for her to log in to her favorite chat room, and once

she had, she turned on her stereo and found “Cold” by Annie Lennox

and powered up the volume.

With a quick rub of her hands, she started up conversation with a

few regulars and settled in for the hunt for someone new to play with.

Even if she couldn’t meet them in person, she could still obtain her high

through words. And with it being Saturday, the chat room was hopping

and she knew it would only be a matter of time.

v

The alarm on Monday morning came way too early. Adrian rolled

over and smacked the snooze button, hoping she was dreaming. But the

loud snoring next to her confirmed reality. She grabbed her head and

stared up at the ceiling. Normally, her heavy eyelids would threaten to

close, to take her back to sweet slumber land, but she was too upset

to fall back to sleep. The weekend had been long and strange. Sierra

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had worked for most of it, claiming she’d had no time to look for a

place of her own. Adrian had sat at home, staring at her laptop, chatting

with numerous women, wishing like hell she had her place to herself.

She’d moved the boxes, trying to shove them all to one corner and then

searched through the newspaper herself, trying to find Sierra a place.

When she’d shown the ads to Sierra last night when she’d returned

home, she’d seemed uninterested. But she’d promised Adrian she

would go and look at the places today.

Adrian hoped so. Prayed, even. Because her life was being intruded

upon by someone she hardly knew.

The snoring grew louder and there were long pauses between

snorts. Adrian elbowed her and it shook up the pattern of her breathing

a bit, but the snoring continued. Giving up, Adrian rose and showered,

standing beneath the hot water for a good ten minutes after she’d

washed herself.

I’ll give her the day, and if she doesn’t find a place, I will take

tomorrow off and take her myself.

She climbed from the shower and dried herself. When she entered

the bedroom, she was surprised to find the bed empty. She heard rustling

in the kitchen as she dressed, the smell of maple syrup strong.

“Good morning, sunshine,” Sierra said from behind her.

Adrian turned and found her standing in the doorway, a plate of

pancakes in her hand. She was nude. And stunning.

“Hi.”

“I made you breakfast.”

“I see that.”

“Aren’t you hungry?”

“Not really. Where’d you get the food?” The pantry was empty.

Adrian had lived off peanut butter sandwiches all weekend, refusing

to buy groceries, preferring to wallow in her sad, precarious state of

“no food thanks to crazy house guest” instead. She’d even refused to

go out with Tamara for drinks Saturday night. Another reason to avoid

meeting Harriet.

“I stopped at the store on my way home last night.”

“I didn’t see any grocery bags.” She grabbed her keys and wallet

off the dresser and slid both into her jeans pockets.

Sierra’s brow furrowed. “I didn’t buy much, and I stuck what I did

buy in my duffel bag. Why does that matter anyway?”

• 83 •

RoniCa BLaCk

She shouldered past her. “It doesn’t.”

Sierra followed. “What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing.” She opened the fridge, searching for juice, but found

nothing.

“Don’t you want this? I made it just for you.”

“I told you I don’t do breakfast.”

She closed the fridge, pissed. Maybe she should have at least

bought herself some more juice.

“Can’t you just this once? Since I did it for you?” She sounded

hurt and her eyes looked sad.

Adrian leaned back against the counter. “Sierra—”

“Please? Just a bite? Just to be nice?”

“I—”

“Don’t tell me you don’t eat breakfast.” Her voice had lowered

and suddenly her words were razor sharp. “I saw the cereal boxes, I

know—”

Adrian stepped up to her quickly and took the plate. “Okay. I’m

eating it. Thank you.” She took two big bites and chewed, hoping it

would settle her down.

Sierra still didn’t look happy. “You know, when people do nice

things for you, you should be nice and grateful and you should be

thankful. Didn’t anyone ever teach you that?”

She swallowed. “Yes.” No, not when Louis came along. That

wasn’t Louis’s way.

“Then why won’t you accept things from me?”

“Like this?”

“Like anything. I’ve made you meals, tried to give you massages,

cleaned the apartment, tried to give you money…”

She set down the plate, unable to force any more down. She had

done those things, but mostly at around three a.m. when Adrian was

dead to the world.

“I don’t want those things, Sierra.”

“Why?”

“Because I didn’t ask for them.”

“So you can’t accept something you didn’t ask for?”

“No.” Not in this case. It would mean giving up what tiny bit of

control she had left, and the thought terrified her.

Sierra crossed her arms over her breasts.

• 84 •

Chasing Love

“Look, Sierra—”

But she’d turned and headed toward the bedroom. “Just forget it,

Adrian.”

Adrian followed and found her standing by the bed, head down.

Her shoulders shook as she cried.

“Sierra—” But she didn’t know what to say. She just wanted her

out. No amount of do-gooding on Sierra’s part was going to change

that.

“Don’t. I don’t want to hear your crap, Adrian. You just don’t like

me and you’re not woman enough to say it.” She flopped onto the bed

and yanked the covers up over her head.

Adrian didn’t know what to do. She felt like shit, like some ogre

who’d attacked an innocent villager. Fuck. Why did Sierra make her

feel this way?

She walked to the bed and touched her shoulder. Sierra jerked.

“Sierra, I’m sorry. I just—”

Sierra pulled down the covers. “Just what? Can’t force yourself to

eat my pancakes?”

“I don’t eat that kind of stuff for breakfast. I eat cereal.”

“And you can’t eat pancakes? Ever?”

“I—” She sighed.

“Face it, Adrian. You hate me and you want me out.” She wiped

away her tears and scowled at her. “Ginger is right. You’re a self-

centered, stuck-up—”

“Ginger? Your friend?” She shook her head. “She doesn’t know

me. She shouldn’t have even been in my house…”

“See? You’re mean and you hate me.”

“I don’t hate you, Sierra. I’m just—mad.” She turned and paced.

Her skin felt hot with anger. She couldn’t seem to find the words to

explain anything to her. She felt helpless and trapped.

Sierra sat up. “Why? What did I do? Other than fuck your brains

out, which I might add, you loved every damn second of, I’ve done

nothing to you.”

“You moved in here! Without even asking me!”

Sierra clamped her mouth shut. “So that’s it, then. I’m not

wanted.”

“I can’t do this, Sierra. No, it’s not that I can’t—it’s that I won’t.

I just won’t. Not after you just moved in like that. It scared the shit out

• 85 •

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of me.” She had done enough arguing with her for one lifetime. She

couldn’t do it anymore. She turned to leave. “You need to find your

own place today.”

“I don’t have a car yet.”

“Too bad.”

“I need another four hundred to get mine out of the shop.”

“So get it.”

In the living room, she slipped her arms into her jacket and zipped

it up. Sierra came out after her, tears streaming down her face. Her chest

was red and splotchy from emotion. Her perfect little breasts bounced

slightly as she walked. Adrian had to force herself to look away.

“I will,” Sierra said. “I will get it. Just let me stay until then.

Please.” She touched Adrian’s chin, tilted her face to meet her gaze.

“Please? And then I will have a car and I can go. Please tell me you like

me at least that much.”

Adrian felt her stomach clench with guilt. What if she was telling

the truth? Could she really kick someone out to the street? She stared

into her beautiful eyes and cleared her throat.

“I’ll be home at five thirty.”

Sierra hugged her, squeezing her tight. “Thank you. Thank you.”

She stood there for a moment with Sierra clinging to her. She

wasn’t sure what to do with her hands, so she tapped her shoulder blade

a few times.

“Don’t smoke in the house.”

Sierra pulled away. “I won’t. I swear it.” She smiled.

Adrian tried to return it but couldn’t. Her face felt like stone.

“Have a great day at work,” Sierra said.

Adrian took one last look at her living room, then turned and

walked out the door.

It was exceptionally loud as she slammed it closed behind her.

• 86 •

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ChapteR eLeven

You are the most gullible woman on the planet,” Tamara said

just before she bit into a crunchy-sounding taco. Red sauce

dribbled down her chin and she wiped it away quickly with a brown

paper napkin.

“I’m not gullible. I’m not even being nice. I told her to get out.”

“Yeah, when she gets the money for her car. When’s that gonna

be?”

Adrian paused, taco held in midair. “She has money. I’ve seen it in

her duffel bag.” She bit in and chewed.

“She keeps money in her duffel bag? How much?”

“I don’t know. A few hundred at least. Small bills.”

Tamara dropped her taco. Her eyes hardened.

Lunch was quickly becoming strained and it was short enough

already. They only had forty minutes to eat after the driving time from

work. And today Chicken and Tacos was packed, taking away another

five minutes to wait in line.

Adrian tried to steer away from the subject of Sierra by refilling

their sodas, but Tamara was determined, biting into her instead of her

taco as she sat once again.

“Please tell me you’ve got a clue.”

Adrian grew annoyed. “A clue about what? Can’t we just enjoy

lunch?”

“Forget lunch. I’m talking about your Cap’n Crunch crook here.”

Her eyes widened and she got that look that always came over her

just before she said something deadly serious. “Your girl’s a stripper,

Adrian.”

• 87 •

RoniCa BLaCk

“Wha—?” Adrian felt the blood rush to her face. She’d tried not to

think about it, tried to ignore all the signs. But now Tamara was forcing

it in front of her face, making her look. And suddenly she was sick from

the sight. “Shit.”

She slapped down her napkin and felt truly embarrassed. Why

had she ignored it? Because facing it would’ve meant many different

things. Namely, that Sierra had way more skeletons in her closet than

bulimia.

“You really didn’t know?” Tamara was studying her.

She forced herself to swallow. “I—I had my suspicions.”

“And you’re okay with that?”

“Of course I’m not okay with it. I just didn’t—know what to

think.” She stared at her plate as shame and anger collided with the

embarrassment.

Tamara touched her hand. “Do you think I’m wrong?”

“No.” She said it softly, her gaze still fixed on the wasted taco.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m not sure what I feel.”

Tamara leaned back in her chair. “Well, I’d be pissed. I wouldn’t

want some chick like that all up in my place and all over me.”

“Why didn’t she tell me?”

Tamara laughed. “I wouldn’t tell, either. It probably scares people

away. Which is why she has no place to stay.”

“No, her friend, the one that was at my place…she’s a stripper too.

I’m pretty sure.” She recalled Ginger’s outfit and the way she’d looked

at her like she was trying to bait her, like she knew how to bait people.

“It all makes sense.”

“Aren’t you mad?”

“I don’t know. I think I’m—I feel stupid. I knew something was

off.”

“Maybe you refused to accept it.”

“Maybe.” Everything else about Sierra had bothered her. Why

hadn’t she delved further into this aspect?

“What are you going to do?”

Adrian balled up her trash. “Right now I’m going to go back to

work and let this all sink in. Then I’m going to call Smith and see if

she’ll check into her for me.” Smith was a mutual friend and a cop.

Tamara rose to throw their trash away, then returned and threaded

• 88 •

Chasing Love

her fingers together on the table. Around them people chatted and

laughed, slurping on drinks.

Adrian wished she could rewind her life to two weeks before. She

and Tamara would be sitting there shooting the shit without a care in

the world.

“What do you know about her?” Tamara asked, eyeing her

watch.

Adrian considered the question. “I know her full name and address

and her birthday. I secretly looked at her driver’s license.”

“Well, that’s good. At least you got that.” She seemed to think for

a moment. “But it could be a fake.”

“Ugh. God, don’t go there.”

Tamara flipped open her phone.

“She’s refused to tell you what her job is, right? I mean, you’ve

asked her?”

“Yeah. A few times.”

“So she’s hiding it. Lying.”

“I guess.”

Tamara began to type with her thumbs.

“What are you doing?”

“Texting Smith.”

“I’ll do that—”

“I’m doing it for you. Something’s weird about this chick,

Adrian.”

She sat back and scoffed, upset. “I hate it when you do this shit.”

“I know.”

“No, I mean I really hate it. I said I would do it.”

Tamara finished and closed her phone. “I know. You don’t like not

having control.”

“What?” She squinted at her. “It’s not about that…” Was it?

Tamara’s phone rang. “Hello?” She smiled. “What’s up, Officer

Smith?” She laughed and made small talk for a few seconds. Then she

caught Adrian’s scowl.

“Oh, yeah, listen, can you look someone up for Adrian?” She

laughed again. “Yes, she’s still fine as hell but very angry.” She winked

at her. “Okay, here she is.”

She handed the phone over.

“Hey, Smith.”

• 89 •

RoniCa BLaCk

“Hey there, Adrian. How’s life?”

“Not too good at the moment.”

“Need some help?”

“Yeah, if you can. Can you tell me anything about a Sierra Ann

Franklin? Age twenty-one, birthday December third.”

There was a pause and she could hear Smith mumbling the

information and typing.

“I got a Sierra Ann Franklin here, but she’s not twenty-one. She’s

nineteen.”

Adrian cursed under her breath.

“December third.”

“That’s probably her.”

“Five-six, blond hair, blue eyes. One twenty.”

“That’s her.”

“I see. Give me a sec. Yep, she’s got a record and…yep, there’s an

arrest warrant out on her right now.”

Oh, fuck.

“What for?” Panic beat in her brain.

“Indecent exposure, underage drinking, and resisting arrest.”

Adrian gripped the phone so tight her fingers hurt. She felt sick

and betrayed, like an invisible hand had just slapped her hard across

the face.

“You know her?” Smith asked. “Listen, Adrian if you do, my advice

is to stay away. Her rap sheet’s a mile long and that’s not counting her

juvenile record—”

“Thanks, Smith. I owe you big time.” She couldn’t take hearing

anymore. She handed the phone back to Tamara and stood.

Tamara stood as well and told Smith she’d call her back.

“Are you okay?”

Adrian started walking to her car, her legs on autopilot. “No.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to kill her.”

“What?” Tamara fell into step next to her. “No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am. I’m going to go home and I’m going to kill her. Then

I’m going to throw her out.”

Tamara took her keys from her.

“Hey—”

“I’m driving,” she said, rounding Adrian’s car.

• 90 •

Chasing Love

“You’re coming with?”

“Oh, hell yeah. I wouldn’t miss this for the world.”

She unlocked the doors and Adrian slid into the passenger seat.

Tamara scooted in behind the wheel and started the engine.

“I’m also keeping your ass out of jail.”

“What about work? I don’t want you to get in trouble.” Adrian

knew she damn near ran the place and her boss adored her. But still…

Tamara didn’t have to do this.

“I’ll call in. Tell them it’s my period.”

“You’re kidding.”

Tamara smiled as she put the car in reverse. “It works every

time.”

• 91 •

• 92 •

Chasing Love

ChapteR tweLve

Okay,” Tamara said as they sat looking up at Adrian’s

apartment. “Smith said two units are on the way. So you’ve

got two minutes to go in and scream at her. Do you think she’ll put up

a fight?”

“Probably. Until I tell her the cops are coming.”

“All right.”

They climbed from the car and headed for the stairs.

“I got you,” Tamara said as they reached the door.

“I know. Thanks.” She got out her key and hesitated. She was

suddenly bombarded with images of Sierra’s sad face with tears in her

eyes. “I don’t know. What if she really is trying—”

Tamara took the key. “Let me do it.” She turned the lock and

shoved open the door.

Adrian blinked with shock as she caught sight of Sierra. She was

on her knees in front of the couch, her head bobbing back and forth

over a man’s lap. Her small tits swayed, resting on top of the cups of

her bra.

“What the fuck?” Adrian let out, startling the man and Sierra

both.

The man jumped up, terror on his face, wet cock in his hand. Sierra

turned and leapt to her feet. Her tits were red and hard.

“What the fuck is this?” Adrian couldn’t believe what she was

seeing. She was so disgusted and shocked her guts fell to the floor and

throbbed.

“Babe, babe,” Sierra started, palms toward Adrian, ring of saliva

on her mouth.

• 93 •

RoniCa BLaCk

Rage rose from Adrian’s chest and words came, seemingly from

nowhere.

“Get out, now!” She shook, teeth clenched, hair on end.

Sierra halted and the man, who was pudgy and bald and very

obviously scared out of his mind, yanked up his pants and fumbled to

secure them. He started mumbling prayers, something about God and

get me out of here and I knew I shouldn’t have done this especially after

last time.

Sierra started coming at her again, tucking her breasts back into

her bra.

“Babe, it’s not what you think.” She tried to touch Adrian but

Tamara pushed her back. She kept talking. “It’s nothing. I swear it’s

nothing. Babe…”

“Get away from her,” Tamara said. “And don’t you even think

about touching her.”

Sierra glared at her. “Who the fuck are you?”

“Her best friend and now your worst nightmare.”

“I’m supposed to be afraid of you?”

“If you’re smart. But oh wait, that’s impossible.”

Sierra looked at Adrian and Adrian couldn’t stand to look back at

her. The pleading eyes, the pleading mouth, the sad, “pitiful me” look.

She hated it. Hated every last little detail.

“Adrian, please.”

“I said get out!” she screamed at her again.

Sierra tried to touch her again.

This time Adrian got right in her face.

“Out!”

Then she stalked toward the man and threw her keys at him as

hard as she could. He cowered, shielding his face with his arms.

“I don’t want no trouble. I don’t want no trouble,” he mumbled.

“Then get the hell out of my house.”

He whimpered in fear as she marched up to him, grabbed him by

the shirt, and shoved him out the door. He stumbled and fell into the

stairwell. He prayed some more as he got to his feet and then nearly

tumbled as he ran down the stairs.

Adrian turned, facing Sierra. “And as for you…you better get out

of here before I do something I regret.”

“But babe, I—it’s not what you think.”

• 94 •

Chasing Love

“You were sucking some guy’s dick,” Tamara said. “What is it

about that she’s not getting?”

Sierra kept staring at Adrian. “I was trying to make money for my

car. Remember, you told me to get it? The money? He meant nothing to

me. Only you do. Babe, please.”

Tamara laughed.

Sierra snapped at her. “It’s not funny!”

“What? Prostitution isn’t funny?”

“I’m not a prostitute.”

“A prostitute in denial? Even funnier.”

Sierra looked at Adrian again. Adrian stared right through her. She

had nothing more in her as far as Sierra went. She was done.

“Get out, Sierra.”

“I don’t have anywhere to go.”

“Yes, you do. The cops are on their way. I’m sure a jail cell will be

nice and comfortable tonight.”

Sierra fell silent. Looked from Adrian to Tamara. “You’re lying.”

“I’m not lying. I called the cops. You have an arrest warrant. I

suggest you leave. Now.”

A look of panic came over her. She took a step and then stopped.

Then she did it again. In the distance, a siren wailed.

Sierra looked out the door and her young face went slack. Then,

without looking back, she took off down the stairs and ran through the

parking lot wearing nothing but a pair of baggy jeans and a bra.

Adrian and Tamara watched as the cop cars pulled in and caught

her trying to run into the surrounding woods. There was yelling and

cursing.

When one of the cops gave chase and finally tackled her, Adrian

and Tamara closed the door.

“You okay?” Tamara asked.

Adrian stood in the center of her living room. She felt like a

zombie. “No.”

Tamara looked around, scowled at all of Sierra’s things, and

opened her cell phone. “You will be as soon as we get this shit out of

here.”

• 95 •

• 96 •

Chasing Love

ChapteR thiRteen

Ireally don’t feel like being here,” Adrian said as she and Tamara

neared the building of their art class. It was Wednesday evening

and all she’d wanted to do after work was go straight to her online chat

room and talk up a few chicks for some mindless cyber fun. Anything

to keep her mind off the Sierra fiasco. The sooner she replaced that

nightmare, the better. A new fire was just what she needed.

“Trust me, this is just what you need. Besides, you even had fun

last class.”

They headed inside and began the weave through the mass of

students, making a perfect zigzag stitch by the time they reached the

appropriate door.

Adrian had checked her e-mail before she’d left work and read

over the notes Morresay had sent on their upcoming class and the use

of charcoals.

Morresay had also said to choose something meaningful to draw

and to bring it with them. Adrian had the photo of the Native American

woman she kept on her bookshelf at home. She had first seen it with

her nieces in a National Geographic. She’d said she would love to draw

her someday so her nieces had framed it for her and given it to her for

Christmas.

“Adrian?” Morresay was looking at her with hopeful eyes.

Adrian’s heart skipped a beat before any kind of rational thought

even processed in her mind. “Yes?”

“Can I talk to you for a moment?”

Adrian looked to Tamara who shrugged. “Sure.” She followed her

• 97 •

RoniCa BLaCk

to her desk, taking in her thick purple sweater and dark pants. Today

she had three rings on, all of them large turquoise. A matching necklace

hung from her neck. Her thick sun and sand–colored hair was tugged

back into a loose ponytail. Her earrings were simple silver hoops.

Adrian stared at the fine blond hairs along her upper jaw. She

wondered briefly what it would feel like to kiss her right there, to

whisper words of desire there so close to her ear as she inhaled her

scent.

“I wanted to talk to you about your drawing from Saturday

night.”

Adrian blinked back to reality and struggled to recall what

she’d just said. Morresay cocked her head and Adrian knew she was

doomed.

“Sorry?” Please don’t think I’m an idiot.

“It’s very good. Very good.” She opened a manila folder and

pulled it out. “But I noticed you said you didn’t have any prior art

experience?”

“That’s right.” They were on safe ground and she relaxed a little.

Her blood still thrummed though, making her skin feel alive.

“Well, I must tell you you’ve got some talent. Has anyone ever

told you that before?”

“My friend.”

“No art teachers in school?”

“No.”

She paused and studied Adrian for a moment. “Are you interested

in art?”

Women were milling in around them, excited about class.

“Yes.”

“Good.” Her eyes sparkled and a crooked smile came. “I really

think you should develop your talent.”

Adrian wasn’t sure what to say. She wasn’t used to compliments

like this.

“Do you mind if I use your drawing as an example in class today?

Are you okay with that?”

“Sure.” Was she? Too late now.

Morresay nodded. “Great.”

Adrian headed back to her table and tried to clear her mind.

• 98 •

Chasing Love

“She likes your drawing, doesn’t she?” Tamara asked. “I knew

she would.”

Adrian glanced back at the photo of the man on Morresay’s desk

before focusing in on Morresay once again. She stood at the head of

the class and began talking. Adrian liked the way she moved her hands

as she spoke. Liked her laugh. She seemed so sincere and extremely

passionate about art.

Passion.

Adrian sighed. She would never have that with a woman like

Morresay. She was too…taken. And her tastes seemed to be unlike any

woman Adrian had ever dated. She was…eccentric. Yes, that was it.

Morresay started in on the drawings as Adrian went over and over

in her mind as to why she shouldn’t be having physical reactions to her.

It calmed her mind, but her body was still surging with energy. It must

be the room. The art of creation. It stirred her in powerful and unusual

ways.

Morresay held up a few drawings in front of the class and asked

their artists a few questions. Adrian began to grow more nervous,

knowing her turn was coming.

“I have one last drawing I’d like to show you.” She held up

Adrian’s for all to see. There was a collective gasp. Adrian’s drawing

was unlike any of the others. It was completely void of color and very

dark in content. It showed a face with an X where the mouth should be,

wicked-looking trees and vines behind it, and the word MUTE written

along the bottom.

“This one was done by Adrian Edwards. Adrian, can you tell us

what this represents?”

Her face was aflame. Just a raging fire on her shoulders. But she

had to speak. For once in her life someone was actually wanting her to

confess her feelings.

“She can’t speak,” she said. “The woman. She can’t speak.”

“But she wants to,” Morresay replied. “You can see it in the

eyes.”

“Yes.” Adrian cleared her tight throat. Morresay seemed to

understand. “She wants to but can’t.”

“Tell us about the vines.”

Adrian looked into her eyes, saw the depth and the encouragement.

• 99 •

RoniCa BLaCk

She felt safe suddenly, lost in her warm gaze. “The vines keep growing

because she can’t speak. So they keep growing and twisting around her.

Same with the trees. There’s all this mess and growth and she can’t do

anything about it because she can’t speak.”

There were some mumbles and Morresay held her eyes for a few

long seconds and then smiled. “Thank you, Adrian. Very good work.”

She felt odd and incredibly hot. Tamara touched her hand and she

nearly jumped out of her skin.

“I’m glad you’re here.”

Adrian went to speak, but her voice had run off. Something was

happening. Something was coming up from deep inside. She nodded at

Tamara’s sentiment and suddenly she felt like crying. She covered her

mouth, overcome with an overflow of emotion.

“Are you okay?” Tamara asked, looking concerned.

Adrian darted for the door, heard her stool tumble somewhere

behind her. A hush fell over the class as she pushed out into the hall.

She made it two doors down before she doubled over with pain. Her ribs

screamed and her throat ached as she leaned against the wall. Aching

attempts at sobbing came. Wave after wave, and she felt like the face in

the drawing, the vines twisting and cinching around her, insisting she

stifle her cries. It hurt. God, did it hurt.

“Adrian?” A hand came to rest on her shoulder.

She straightened, expecting to see Tamara. But it was Morresay.

Adrian wiped her eyes, more than embarrassed.

“I’m okay.”

“No, you’re not.” She moved her hand up and down on her arm. It

still felt so warm. “And I’m so sorry. I should’ve never had you do that

in front of everyone like that.”

“I’m fine.” She breathed deep. “Really. I don’t know where that

came from.”

“It came from in here.” Morresay placed her hand on Adrian’s

heart.

Adrian straightened, panicked she could feel just how hard her

heart was beating.

“That’s what this class is about.” She gave her another soft smile,

one that offered understanding, and removed her hand. “If you ever

want to talk about it…I’m here.”

“Thank you.” Adrian wiped her face again and smoothed down

• 100 •

Chasing Love

her jeans. She wanted to bolt. To say to hell with this and just leave it all

behind. But she remained. And Morresay could somehow see it all.

“Can you continue with class?” she asked.

“Yes.” It was over now. The pain had dissipated almost as quickly

as it had come. She trembled a bit, knowing the emotion could return,

the path already cleared. But she held fast to hope and tried to focus on

Morresay and her soothing voice and understanding eyes. She fell into

step next to her and nearly closed her eyes as Morresay opened the door

and smoothed her hand over her back.

“It will be okay,” she whispered, encouraging her to reenter.

To Adrian’s relief, everyone was already hard at work, drawing

their item from home. Nobody paid her much mind, and those who did

offered nods and kind smiles of understanding. Tamara stood to hug her

but Adrian couldn’t, afraid she’d be overcome again.

“I’m okay. I just need to forget about it.”

“Okay.” They both sat and Tamara handed Adrian her framed

photo. Morresay was walking around the class, instructing on charcoal

use. Adrian kept her calm voice in the back of her mind as she started

to work. Each of them had a small table easel today and a supply of

charcoal pencils. Adrian focused on her photo of the Native American

woman and drew her face quickly, outlining the contours and shape

first. Then she started in on the detail and the shading. She moved her

drawing to the flat table and liked the feel of it better. Tamara worked

next to her, humming a popular song. She had brought an old teddy

bear to draw.

Before Adrian knew it, Morresay was winding down class and

Adrian’s fingers were covered in black.

The drawing looked good. Incredibly real. But it needed more

work.

“Okay, everyone. Please return your charcoals to the baskets.”

Adrian groaned, feeling like she’d run out of time on an important

test.

“Please turn your drawings in. You can work on them some more

on Saturday. If anyone wants to wash up, there’s a sink in the back.”

A few women stopped to look at Adrian’s work as they walked by.

All of them were impressed. Adrian thanked them, feeling somewhat

shy. She couldn’t believe class was already over. The hour and a half

had flown by. She’d been lost in her own little world.

• 101 •

RoniCa BLaCk

She stood and stretched, surprised at how stiff she was. She

must’ve been really hunched over while she worked on the drawing.

Morresay smiled at her again as she and Tamara turned in

their work. She stared at Adrian’s for a long moment but didn’t say

anything.

“Have a nice rest of the week, ladies.”

“Thanks, you too,” Tamara said.

They stepped out into the night and Adrian felt lighter. Like a

weight had been lifted. She closed up her jacket as they headed for their

cars. They walked slowly, winding through campus, making note of

the main student union. Tamara suggested they eat dinner there before

class one Wednesday.

By the time they reached the parking lot, Adrian was feeling so

relaxed she was ready to go home and go to bed. Tamara was telling

her good-bye when she caught sight of Morresay in the near distance. A

man emerged from a sedan and enveloped her in a tight hug. He looked

a lot like the man in the photo. Adrian forced herself to look away,

feeling like she was intruding on a private moment.

Tamara followed her gaze. “She’s really nice.”

“Yeah.”

“That her man?”

“Probably.”

“All right, well, call me tomorrow.” She gave her a half hug and

set off toward her car. Adrian did the same, sitting behind her steering

wheel watching Morresay and the man follow one another out of the

parking lot. As she started her car and headed toward home, she thought

of the lonely night ahead, and that old restless feeling came once again.

Sleep would not be easy in coming.

v

“Thank God for Bobbie,” Adrian said as she and Tamara climbed

the ancient brick steps to their friend’s place.

“I can’t believe I’m here,” Tamara said as she knocked on the

door of the old two-story farmhouse. The stereo was booming, shaking

the windows. A huge rainbow sticker was pressed against the window

on the end. Sort of like those big red E’s stay-at-home moms used to

put in their windows to let the neighborhood kids know their house

• 102 •

Chasing Love

was a safe haven should they ever need it, should a stranger be after

them. Adrian imagined dozens of queer kids sprinting toward Bobbie’s

house, backpacks trailing behind them, faces red with exertion as

bullies and parents who refused to understand chased them. Bobbie

would welcome them with strong arms and a firm pat to the back.

Laughter came from inside the house. “A party is the last thing

either of us needs,” Tamara added.

“I know.” She was lying through her teeth. She wanted this.

Needed it. “I think I hate parties.”

“Since when?” Tamara smoothed down her own shirt. She looked

good in her red jacket, jeans, and a pale button-down. Her two necklaces,

both thin suede with attractive crosses, led down to a hint of cleavage.

Sexy but tasteful.

Adrian didn’t feel near as suave, wearing worn jeans and an old

sweater she favored. Her peacoat had seen better days as well, but she

didn’t care. Not tonight anyway. She was there to occupy her restless

spirit and to scope for women. She couldn’t care less if someone was

scoping her.

“You’ve been down in the dumps since See—whatever her name

was.”

“Sierra.”

“Right, Sierra. The hooker.”

“Did I tell you she actually had the gall to call me and tell me she

was a go-go dancer?”

“You did.”

“Can you believe that? She’s in jail and she uses her phone

privilege to call me and try to explain everything. Said she wasn’t a

stripper but a go-go dancer. As if that would make it all better.”

“What was the blow job, then? A new dance move?” Tamara

wrapped an arm around her. She squeezed. “Hopefully, you’ll have

some fun tonight.”

“One can hope.”

“You’ve even been quiet in class. Did Morresay piss you off or

something?”

“No.”

“She tried to talk to you this morning and it was like you were

zoning her out or something.”

“Everything is fine.” Everything was as it always was, but

• 103 •

RoniCa BLaCk

she knew Tamara wouldn’t consider that fine. Other than work and

Morresay’s class, she hadn’t gone anywhere, preferring to stay home

to wallow in isolation, fearing all things young and attractive for the

time being.

The sad thing was she’d actually enjoyed her isolation, becoming

a bit of a slug, trudging slowly around the apartment, leaving a trail of

ooze behind her. The time alone had been safe, padded in silence and

peace. Cocooning her in her little apartment, in a nice warm place where

a sensitive slug could move about without fear of being punctured or

prodded.

The gears in her head had slowed during her time alone and even

the meows of One and Two had seemed drawn out and eerie. And now

she felt a bit dizzy as her eyes and head tried desperately to take in the

real world at real speed once again.

Tamara knocked harder on the door and it was eventually answered

by three very attractive, very young gay men. Adrian recognized one

as Bradley, Bobbie’s nephew. He’d lived with his aunt for the last ten

years, and together they ran the small farm. Bobbie had taken him in,

taught him all she knew, and playfully referred to them as “the two fags

with a farm” ever since.

“More lesbians!” the shortest one yelled.

Skinny arms pulled them inside and they were welcomed

enthusiastically with half hugs and cheek kisses. Bradley wore his

usual ear-to-ear grin along with a tight-fitting long-sleeved shirt tucked

into a pair of jeans that would’ve cost Adrian a week’s salary. Despite

his blue-collar earnings, Bradley had very expensive taste and loved

to show off his costly accumulations whenever he could. One would

never guess he shoveled pig shit for a living.

“Good to see you, Adrian,” he said, giving her a wink.

“You, too.”

She and Tamara moved farther inside and found the house thick

with women, cigar smoke, and heavy music. She recognized the CD

playing at once. Nine Inch Nails. From there, more heavy, throbbing

bands would ensue. Anything that was good to fuck to. That was always

Bobbie’s motto when she chose music for her parties.

The music, the smoke, the press of sweaty bodies against her as

they walked, it all seeped into her senses and reminded Adrian of better

times.

• 104 •

Chasing Love

She breathed deeply.

Ah, yes. A party at Bobbie’s.

There were at least two a year and they were always heavily

populated and wild with every lesbian within the county lines attending.

Adrian mused that the rainbow sticker in the window drew them in.

She started to relax a little, the familiarity comforting. Tamara

seemed to notice, slapping her arm around her again and hugging her

close.

“There you go,” she said, happy. Her eyes danced. She took a beer

from a young, offering butch and pointed. “Go forth, my friend. Go

forth and find happiness.”

Adrian looked around, thinking she just might do that. “Where

will you be?”

“In here, waiting for Harriet.”

“Right. Harriet.” Why hadn’t she just ridden out with them? Oh

yeah. She’d had to work and wanted to get ready. Why did she have to

come at all?

“So we’ll be around.”

We’ll be around? She hated the sound of that.

“Until you want to leave,” Adrian sniped. “Guess that means I’m

driving myself home?” She cringed as soon as the words escaped her.

When did she start sounding like a whiny bitch? “Never mind. God,

I’m sorry. I’ll be fine.”

Tamara seemed a little surprised as well. She tugged her closer.

“Hey, I’m not going to leave you here. Why do you think I insisted on

riding with you? I came because of you.”

“Thanks. I’m just so—”

“Depressed.”

“Yeah, I guess I am.”

“It’s okay. This’ll be fun. You’ll talk to friends, make new

ones…”

“I thought you wanted me to focus on myself more?” She smiled,

teasing.

“I do. Notice I didn’t say go forth and find a woman. I said go

forth and find happiness.”

“I see. Distinction noted.” But there were women everywhere.

If Tamara wanted to cheer her up while focusing on herself, then she

should’ve taken her to a straight shindig.

• 105 •

RoniCa BLaCk

Tamara handed over the beer. “Forget about what’s-her-name and

go have fun.”

Adrian took several big sips and nodded. “Will do.” She tipped

the beer at Tamara and wound her way through to the kitchen. Bobbie

was sitting at the round table holding playing cards, a thick, dark cigar

hanging from her mouth. She looked the same. Short dyke do, winter

weathered face, thick fleece shirt. Four other women sat with her, all of

them concentrating on their hands.

“Hiya, kiddo,” Bobbie said to her, not holding her gaze for long.

“Want in?”

“Nah, thanks though.”

She anteed up. “Drinks are outside in the cooler, along with the

keg. Brad made cookies and other goodies. They’re on the counter. You

know the drill.”

Adrian looked to her right and saw four huge plates of cookies

and brownies along the counter. Several women lingered, laughing and

touching one another in casual conversation as they nibbled.

“Thanks,” she said to Bobbie, who had already refocused on the

game.

After nodding a few more hellos, Adrian grabbed two big chocolate

chip cookies and headed out the back door.

The night air was cold and welcoming. Large gas lights tried to

penetrate the winter fog and a few standing heaters did their best against

the cold. Not many women were out there, preferring to huddle in the

warm house instead. A few shouldered past her, heading back to the

door, plastic cups full of beer.

She walked to the edge of the large redwood deck, turned and

leaned on the railing, and ate her cookies. Even with the heaters, the

night was crisp enough to see her breath, but she didn’t mind. It felt

refreshing, and it seemed to help penetrate her body and mind. She

stared up at the country sky. It was pitch black with millions of tiny,

piercing stars.

Beautiful.

She inhaled the cold and caught the scent of weed over the frozen

but ever-present stench of manure. The mingling scents further relaxed

her. She took in the stars and ate her cookies. They were “magic”

cookies, baked with weed but still damn good. Bradley was the master

of baked goods.

• 106 •

Chasing Love

With two in her belly she realized it might just be a good night

after all. More women emerged from inside, most looking for the keg.

An image of Morresay came and Adrian imagined her breezing through

the door with a soft smile on her face, her hair loose and bouncing

thickly on her shoulders. She imagined her wearing a heavy oatmeal-

colored sweater and worn jeans with silver rings on all of her fingers.

Her fingertips were dark, smudged with graphite or charcoal. Her eyes

were alive and glinting at her. Burning. And they were looking directly

at her as if they’d finally found what they’d been looking for.

“Yes,” Adrian whispered, almost closing her eyes, wanting to get

lost in that fantasy.

A small group of women approached and interrupted her thoughts.

They came to a stop near her, huddled to light a hefty-looking joint,

then passed it around. Her gaze fell on a fit woman near the center

waving the joint away. She wasn’t Morresay, but she was attractive…

and maybe even actually obtainable. She was a light blonde with a

creamy white, beautiful face. Dark, deep looking eyes matched the

surrounding blackness, pulling in all things dark and nightlike. The

woman looked up and caught her stare. Adrian looked away, pretending

to sip her empty beer. She waited a few seconds, then carefully moved

her eyes over to her again. The woman was laughing. Happy. She had a

nice smile. Not a big smile but a nice one.

“You want in on this?” one of the other women asked Adrian,

holding the joint out to her.

“Uh, no. Thanks.” Normally she would’ve said yes. But the smoke

always burned her chest and made her cough. And she wasn’t about to

do that in front of the blonde. The magic cookies would have to do. And

the beer. Speaking of which, she needed another. She crossed the patio,

tossed her empty bottle in the trash, and looked in the open cooler.

There was no ice, just a pile of various bottles.

She groaned and dug through the Bacardi and Mike’s Hard

Lemonade, preferring not to drink the light beer in the keg. Finally, she

managed to rummage out a bottle of Killian’s Irish Red. The taste was

worth the trouble and she sipped it as she worked her way back to the

far edge of the deck.

The blonde was still there, looking fine in nice-fitting jeans and a

leather jacket. Her boots had heels. Very high, thin heels. The sight sped

up Adrian’s adrenaline a bit, causing her to become even more curious.

• 107 •

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She stared at her body and noted that her bosom appeared as full and as

ample as her ass and her legs looked thick with muscle. She either lived

on a stair climber or she walked straight up mountains every day.

Nice.

But wait. Adrian wasn’t supposed to be there for a woman. She

was there to relax and have fun. So why wasn’t she inside with Tamara

and some of her other friends?

She should return inside.

But her feet remained anchored. This was the game. The lure. The

spark that lead to the fire.

She drank some more.

Then…

“I can’t do it either.” The blonde was next to her, talking to her.

Smiling.

“Sorry?” She turned with her, putting the house behind them.

“The pot,” she said. “I can’t do it either.”

“Oh.”

“Because of work. They drug test.”

“Right.”

She liked her, found her very attractive. The night was good. Great

even. The fire was coming, she could almost feel it. She was a heroin

junkie slapping her arm for a vein, the goods already cooked and ready,

loaded in the syringe.

The blonde didn’t seem to notice her inner turmoil. “I’m Joanne.”

She held out her hand and Adrian hurriedly pulled the beer from her

lips and shook it.

“Adrian.” She tried to sound suave, smooth, ambivalent. Instead it

came out deep and quick.

“Yeah, I’ve seen you once before, I think. You’re friends with

Tamara, right?”

“Yes.”

Joanne nodded. “I thought so. I saw you here at the Christmas

party last year.”

“You were here?”

Joanne’s face fell a little. Adrian struggled to explain. “I would’ve

noticed you.”

That seemed to do the trick.

• 108 •

Chasing Love

“I wasn’t here long. My friend got sick and I had to take her

home.”

“It wasn’t Bradley’s infamous cookies, was it?”

Joanne laughed. “I don’t know what it was, but it was pretty scary.

I didn’t eat for two days after witnessing that. I think it might’ve been

the eggnog.”

Adrian laughed and leaned more on the railing. She was at ease

with Joanne and she tingled with the kind of warmth that came after a

deep laugh. She felt good.

“So what do you do that requires such drug testing? Fly commercial

airliners?”

“Right.” Joanne grimaced playfully. “I hate flying, and believe me,

everyone on the plane would know it.” She took a sip of her Bacardi.

“I’m a mail carrier.”

“Ohhhh,” Adrian let out, long and slow.

Joanne cocked an eyebrow.

Adrian blushed as she explained. “I…you look strong…I figured

you—” She stopped, feeling ridiculous.

Joanne studied her for a long moment, her dark eyes penetrating.

The irises were so dark they reflected the light, like black, mirroring

disks. When she spoke, her voice was smooth and low.

“I lift weights. Several days a week. And I walk a lot. Several

hours a day. Six days a week.”

“I figured.” Adrian couldn’t help but sweep her eyes over her once

again. Joanne caught her.

“You like my legs?”

The air between them grew dangerously hot. Adrian swallowed,

the junkie finally isolating a good vein. “Yes.”

“Really? Even with the jeans?”

“Yes.”

Joanne moved closer. Adrian could smell her cologne. It was

slightly masculine, contradicting the high heels, fueling her awakening

libido even more.

“I like yours, too. In fact…” She touched Adrian’s hand with the

tips of her fingers. They were cold with rings on every finger. “I like

everything about you.”

Adrian felt herself grow light-headed with pleasure.

• 109 •

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“And these I really like.” Joanne reached out and touched her lips.

“Can I—?” Joanne licked her lips. “Kiss them?”

A short, hot breath escaped Adrian. Joanne moved closer, inhaled

it. They stood very still, breathing in one another.

Adrian closed her eyes and allowed the tingling feeling to move up

through her body and into her chest. She wanted to kiss her, wanted to

touch her. The junkie was flicking the syringe, giving it a quick squirt.

“Yes.”

She wanted to shout it into the night, then laugh deeply as it echoed

back to her.

She felt good. Damn good. And she felt even better when Joanne’s

lips touched hers. They pressed and then parted, the insides warm.

Joanne slipped out her tongue, asking. Adrian met it with her own and

the night around them spun.

The heroin plunged into her vein and was surging up through her.

Around and around it went inside her. Just like the night surrounding

them. Lights, music, stars. All of it spinning.

Adrian clung to her as if Joanne were an anchor, never wanting it

to end.

This was it. This was the fire. Her drug.

She blinked with surprise and wonderment as Joanne pulled away

and spoke.

“Bathroom, now.”

“What?”

“Now.”

Joanne took her by the hand and led her quickly into the house.

They maneuvered through the mass of women and tunneled through

the wall of smoke. Adrian heard a couple of people call her name, but

she was in a zone, in her own little world of Joanne and the humming

pleasure stroking her insides. She knew she was smiling but she didn’t

remember thinking about doing so. It was just there, plastered on her

face, stinging her cheeks. They reached the bathroom just as a woman

emerged. Joanne tugged Adrian inside quickly, closed and locked the

door, and then slinked up to her.

“You’re even sexier in the light.” The corner of her mouth lifted in

a seductive grin. She moved into Adrian, pinning her against the wall

between an ancient standing sink and a hanging towel. The scent of

mouthwash and cigars was powerfully strong.

• 110 •

Chasing Love

“You look pretty good, too.” The tiny room threatened to spin just

as the stars outside had moments before.

“Just pretty good?” She flipped back her long mane of hair. “I

think I better do something to change that.” Holding Adrian’s face, she

leaned in and kissed her.

Her lips were warmer than before, almost hot. But her tongue felt

cool as if it weren’t connected to her body. Adrian’s mind fought to

make sense of it.

“What’s wrong?” Joanne asked.

“Huh? Nothing.”

Joanne appeared concerned but then her attention went to their

surroundings. She seemed unnerved. Adrian pressed her head back

and stared at the mauve ceiling. Matching roses trailed down the white

walls. She had the urge to reach out and touch one. Instead, she reached

for Joanne and nuzzled her hair. It smelled like flowers. Not roses but

better.

“Smells so good.”

“My hair?”

“Mmm. Hmm.”

“It’s clean.”

“I know. I can tell.” Oh, she just wanted to get lost in it. She wanted

to get lost in everything, just take it all in and examine the microscopic

beauty of it.

Joanne glanced around again. “That sink looks scary. Look at that

drain.”

“Huh?” Adrian pushed off the wall and looked. The drain was a

dark hole with no guard but it wasn’t dirty. It was just an old sink.

“That’s terrible,” Joanne said. “And God only knows how old that

toilet is.”

“Old.” Adrian laughed, amused at herself. “This house is very old,

Jo—” Oh fuck, what was her name? It was Joanne right? Yeah. Right?

She laughed again.

Joanne smiled and came at her again. “You can call me Jo. Or

whatever you like.” She pressed her hips into Adrian. Their lips met

again. Warm and soft. No tongue, just powerful tugs that made Adrian’s

legs tremble with desire.

But then Joanne was looking around the bathroom again. She

turned on the sink and scrubbed her hands, rubbing them together

• 111 •

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furiously. “You better wash yours, too. No telling how many people

have been in here. And who knows when it was last cleaned.”

Adrian tried to comprehend but it was difficult. The roses on the

wall were jumping at her. The bathroom seemed soft and alluring. She

wanted to stroke the fuzzy pink rugs, rub her face in the pink towels.

She started laughing. Joanne grew impatient.

“Can we get out of here?” She was drying her hands on her

jeans.

Didn’t you just want to come in?

Adrian nodded, though she was confused.

Joanne motioned for Adrian to open the door. She didn’t seem to

want to touch the doorknob. Adrian found it cool and perfectly round

in her palm. Smooth.

She opened the door and they emerged into a surreal haze of

women and smoke.

By the time they reached the living room, Joanne’s hand was on

her ass. “I wanna take you home,” she said into Adrian’s ear.

Adrian liked the sound of it, the strum of her syrupy voice, the feel

of her breath near her ear.

Turning in to her, Adrian slid her own hand down Joanne’s

backside. She squeezed and was thrilled at how thick and firm it was.

She wondered what it felt like without the jeans. She yearned to be

completely nude with her, slipping and sliding beneath white cotton

sheets.

“Okay,” Adrian said and then kissed her, this time urging her

tongue into her mouth. Joanne groaned and kissed her back, grabbing

her head and twisting her own tongue around Adrian’s. Somebody

whooped.

Adrian kept kissing her, eyes closed, posture relaxed, loving that

she didn’t have to worry who Joanne had been possibly kissing hours

before. Or where her hands had been and on whom. She didn’t have

to worry about who had touched her, put their mouth on her, used her,

ogled her. All the things she now thought about when she thought of

Sierra.

The freedom from worry was exhilarating.

Applause echoed throughout the living room, intertwining with the

music like some strange cacophony of percussion that didn’t quite fall

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Chasing Love

into rhythm. It sounded eerie, like the musical score of a bad B-movie

full of psychotic human hunters.

For a brief second, it scared her.

Adrian pulled away and saw Bradley’s friends, grinning and

clapping like children egging on a first kiss. They protested at the cease

of action.

“We need more privacy,” Joanne said. Waving them off, Joanne

took her hand and led her to the front door. More people spoke to them,

spoke to Joanne. They were her friends, giving her hugs. She seemed to

be rather popular and it made Adrian feel a little special.

Adrian looked past them, and was just about to step outside with

Joanne when she caught sight of Tamara sitting on the couch next to a

beautiful redhead.

“Hang on a sec,” she said to Joanne, kissing her quickly before

making her way to Tamara.

“What in the world are you doing?” Tamara asked, standing.

“Who’s that?”

Adrian smiled. “That’s Joanne.”

“Uh-huh, yeah, I know who she is. Tell me you aren’t leaving with

her.”

“I was thinking about it.” She bobbed on the balls of her feet and

felt her eyes widen. “I’m having fun, T.”

Tamara held her face. “Your pupils are huge.”

“They feel huge. Like cat’s eyes or something.” She felt like she

could see anything, even in the dark. Everything was intensified and the

detail was amazing.

“Adrian.” She stared into her eyes. “You’re tripping. You need

to sit down and drink some water. I knew I should’ve made you eat

something before we came.” She grimaced over at Bradley. “What did

you put in those cookies?”

“Just the usual. With a little something extra, just for fun.” His

friends laughed and several women made a beeline for the kitchen,

apparently anxious to get their own.

Tamara urged her toward the couch. “Sit down.”

“No, I’m okay. I’m going to go with Joanne. She’s really amazing.

And her hair smells sooo good.”

“Uh-huh. Okay.” Adrian looked to the redhead who stood

• 113 •

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alongside them. “Adrian, this is Harriet. Harriet, this is my best and

very high friend, Adrian.”

Harriet smiled and stuck out her hand. Adrian shook it, moved by

her soft beauty.

“It’s very nice to meet you, Adrian. Tamara adores you.”

“Wow.” This was Harriet? She was so pretty.

“I hope that’s a good wow?” Harriet looked a bit worried but her

eyes sparkled with humor. Her posture was self-assured but open, almost

soft, as if anyone could hug her if they so desired. Adrian wanted to,

curious about the scent of her appealing white V-neck sweater. Would

it smell like warm cotton? Fresh laundry detergent? Maybe fabric

softener?

Adrian forced her odd curiosity from her mind, and noticed instead

how nicely the sweater went with her khakis and how her oversized

watch and brown boots were the only thing giving away her otherwise

well-hidden tomboyish tendencies.

“Yeah.” Wait, what was she saying yes to? Never mind. She was

nice, yes, that’s it. And…what was the word? Sincere. Tamara’s other

girlfriends had been so obviously fake, so jealous of her relationship

with Tamara. But this woman seemed really cool. And grown up. And…

Adrian could just sense everything about her. She just knew. As if she

suddenly had this antenna with the ability to really read into people.

“You’re really…” She couldn’t explain herself. Had no idea how to

even begin. “Thanks for being real.”

She knew she sounded weird. But she couldn’t help it. How could

she explain the suddenly rational and incredibly clear realizations

racing through her head?

Tamara shrugged as if she had no idea if Adrian was really the one

inside her body or not. She could’ve been an alien after all. It would

certainly explain her strange behavior.

But Harriet wasn’t bothered, double clasping Adrian’s hand in

response. “Thank you, too, for being real.”

Tamara spoke and Adrian could hear the concern in her voice. It

seemed to be dripping from her mouth. She even looked at her, ready

to wipe it away.

“We were just getting ready to leave, Adrian. So why don’t you

come with us?”

Harriet released her hand. Adrian touched Tamara’s chin, surprised

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to find it dry and smooth. Tamara grasped her hand, forcing Adrian to

focus.

“Well, let’s all leave, then,” Adrian said.

Tamara seemed pleased. Relieved.

“Wait.” She reached in Adrian’s pocket and retrieved her car keys.

“I’ll drive.”

“Yeah, good idea. You take my car. I’m going to ride with

Joanne.”

“Wait, what? You’re not seriously going with her, Adrian. We

haven’t even been here an hour.”

“So?”

“So you don’t even know her.” She pulled her close. “This is what

you’re trying to avoid, remember? The one-night stands, the getting in

way over your head too soon.”

Adrian hugged her, so moved by her concern. She loved her so

much and she squeezed her until she pulled away.

“I know, T, but this is different. And she smells good and she’s an

adult. She’s a mail carrier. Do you know how incredibly normal and

amazing that is?”

Tamara’s eyes grew wider. “What did I tell you about normal?”

“I have no idea.”

Tamara closed her eyes as if offended and impatient. “No one’s

normal, Adrian. Not even you. We all have issues and anyone who says

they don’t or pretends not to—”

“Joanne is normal. I can feel it.”

“You’re high, Adrian.”

Adrian laughed. Just the way Tamara had said it, seriously cracked

her up.

“I love you, T. I love it when your eyes open real wide like that.”

She looked at Harriet. “Don’t you love it when her eyes do that?”

Harriet nodded and gave a half-shrug as if she didn’t want to agree

with her but she had to, the truth demanding it of her. “You know…I

do. It’s adorable.”

“Yes! Directly from the mouth of babes.”

“I can’t argue with her,” Harriet said to Tamara.

Adrian was pleased. “See, Harriet’s a good woman, T. She knows

her stuff.”

Tamara shook her head. “The both of you?”

• 115 •

RoniCa BLaCk

Harriet shoved her hands in her pockets. “Can you blame us? We

love you.”

Tamara sighed long and slow and led Adrian by the elbow. “Yeah,

yeah. Come on, let’s go.” They slipped into their jackets as Adrian

waited and then headed for the door.

Joanne was waiting outside, hands stuffed in the pockets of her

leather jacket. A striped scarf was wound around her neck.

“Hey, you ready?” she asked Adrian as they approached.

“I think Adrian better ride with me,” Tamara said. “I think she

better go home.”

Joanne glanced at Tamara, and for an instant she appeared offended

and even defiant. Adrian thought she was going to lash out. But when

she spoke, her voice was light, almost airy.

“Oh, well, okay. But I really don’t mind taking her. And she wants

to go.”

Images shot through Adrian’s mind. She did want to go with her,

wanted to run her fingers through her long mane as Joanne gyrated atop

her, her ass flexing as she moved.

“Really, T. It’s okay. I’m going with her.” She walked with Joanne

toward a small pickup truck. “I’ll get my car from you tomorrow.” She

smiled and gave Tamara a thumbs up.

Tamara didn’t look happy but she gave in, helpless. “Okay. But

you call if you need me. I don’t care what time it is.”

“I will. Bye, Harriet.”

Harriet held Tamara close, as if comforting her. “Bye, Adrian. It

was nice to meet you.”

“You, too.” Why did Tamara seem so sad?

“Have a good time. And be careful.”

Adrian smiled. “I will.” She turned and walked with Joanne to her

truck. By the time she climbed inside, buckled her seat belt, and looked

out the window, Tamara and Harriet were gone.

v

Joanne’s place was on the opposite end of town from Adrian’s.

They didn’t say much on the ride over, Adrian pleasantly buzzed and

grinning, Joanne humming and tapping her thumbs on the steering

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wheel. When she did speak she talked about her house and all the work

she’d done on it, even making some of her own furniture. It sounded

impressive and Adrian was very impressed and more than a bit excited

at the prospect of possibly having found someone she could really sink

her teeth into. So to speak.

Joanne seemed well spoken, well taken care of, and very creative.

Adrian rested her head on the cool window and considered adding the

phrase “in bed” after each of those statements.

“Something funny?” Joanne asked, looking over.

“Oh, no.” Had she laughed aloud? “I’m just happy is all.”

“Me, too.”

Her house was small but cute and looked, as best she could tell in

the dark, to be painted a pale yellow with white trim. A short chain link

fence surrounded the quaint front lawn. There was no garage so they

exited the truck in the driveway and Joanne opened the gate to lead the

way to the front door. On the front stoop she smiled, bent to adjust a

ceramic statue of a gnome, and then unlocked the door.

Adrian watched her wipe her feet on the welcome rug and step

inside. Lights came on. Adrian followed quickly only to see Joanne

removing her shoes and placing them on a wooden rack next to the

door.

“I don’t wear shoes in the house.”

“Oh.”

Adrian closed the door and removed her own shoes. Joanne took

them and set them next to hers on the rack.

“It helps keep the floor clean.”

Adrian took in the tiny but impeccably neat home. It smelled

lemony. “Makes sense.”

“It upsets some people.”

Joanne was watching her closely, apparently waiting for her to say

something.

“Nah, it’s good. I understand.” The wood floor was gleaming

and the carpet in the living room was pale and looked new. She totally

understood. She wouldn’t want it messed up either.

Joanne still looked anxious. She was clenching her hands together,

tugging on her fingers, standing there in her thin socks. She was quite a

bit shorter without her boots on. But still over five foot five.

• 117 •

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“Did you do all this yourself?”

Joanne released a breath and her body relaxed. “Yes. All of it.”

“Very impressive.”

“Thank you.”

Her eyes shined.

“It really is. I wouldn’t have a clue how to do—”

Joanne moved quickly, silencing her with a kiss. Adrian felt

herself being pressed against the wall. She moaned softly and went

limp, allowing Joanne to take the lead.

Hands tangled in her hair as Joanne’s tongue came. It didn’t tease.

Didn’t ask permission. It just came, all slick and smooth and knowing.

Cool and soft with womanly wine like lips, kissing her, tugging on her,

awakening her, wanting her.

Adrian pulled her closer and kissed back, their tongues dancing, a

blooming desire spreading between her legs. The room didn’t spin this

time but she didn’t need it to. Joanne was enough.

She could feel her large breasts pressing into her, soft and heavy

and so beautifully woman. Joanne seemed to understand as she pulled

away and held Adrian’s gaze, her fingers trailing down her own shirt

only to tear it open. She held it open while panting, chest heaving and

elevated. It was an offering. Like sweet, soft, pale flesh to a bloodthirsty

vampire.

Adrian attacked, face buried in her cleavage, leading her back to a

nearby couch. They fell upon it with grunts and groans and Joanne held

fast to Adrian’s head, begging her take more.

Adrian bit her billowing flesh while sneaking her hands around

her back to unlatch her bra. When it fell from her hands, Joanne sat up

and stripped out of both her shirt and bra, throwing them quickly to the

floor. Then, with a dangerous look, she pulled Adrian back down atop

her.

“Take them. Ah, please, take them.”

She was pushing her breasts inward and upward, holding them for

Adrian, nearly breathless.

Dark chocolate nipples stared up at Adrian, surrounded by large

fudge-colored areolas. Her mouth watered as she thought about the

taste of chocolate and flesh mixed. Maybe if she kissed her hard

enough, swirled her tongue thoroughly, sucked all the flavor to the tips,

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maybe she could actually find out. She dipped her head and took one

completely, causing Joanne to cry out in ecstasy.

It was fervent and loud, throaty and smoky like the esophageal

burn of a shot of whiskey.

It shot inside Adrian’s ears and widened her eyes with lust, squeezed

her heart with a gnarled fist of desire. She took her harder, devouring her

breasts like they were fruits of the earth, the last remaining nourishment

for humankind. She fed until they were slick, swollen and rimmed in

red, puckered and reaching for her, screaming for more.

Joanne cried for more for them, lifting her head to look at her with

needful irises and rich merlot lips.

She was beautiful in a desperate, hungrily vulnerable kind of way

at that moment. Her thoughts and physicality were controlled by desire,

ruled by lust, her breasts slimy with ache, her lips plump with heated

blood.

Adrian watched her chest rise and fall with hurried, passionate

breaths. Watched her lips twitch, her tongue sneak out to moisten them,

her eyes focus and flash. Then she crawled off her and unbuttoned her

jeans, yanked them down forcefully along with her panties. She threw

them to the side, removed her socks, and stood looking down at her.

Joanne didn’t speak. She just stared back.

Adrian dropped to her knees and pulled her to the end of the couch,

swinging her feet around to touch the floor, her back resting against the

cushions. With their eyes locked on one another, Adrian pushed her

legs open and kissed her way up her inner thighs. She felt her jerking

and hissing and when she reached her clit and flicked her tongue over

it, Joanne sank her nails into Adrian’s scalp and shouted.

“Yes!”

She thrust her hips, shoving herself into Adrian as if unable to

stop. Small noises came from her, little pushes of air escaping her lips

as she rocked into her.

Adrian gave to her, used her tongue to press against her clit, flicking

and licking, Adrian fucking her clit, Joanne fucking her face. Again and

again and again until Joanne’s cries grew louder and louder, until her

voice eventually gave out, and Adrian wrapped her hands around her

thighs and took her clit between her teeth and shoved with her tongue

while shaking her head.

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Joanne went hoarse, her body went rigid, and when she threw her

head back the muscles in her neck stood out and climbed alongside the

column of her throat.

She held Adrian to her, milking her orgasm, desperately trying to

get every last molecule of pleasure from Adrian’s tongue. Her breasts

swayed a little and Adrian could feel her heels digging into her back.

Darkness began to creep in on Adrian just as Joanne went limp and

fell back into the confines of the couch. Adrian breathed deeply and

collapsed onto the floor, staring up at the ceiling, watching in a mindless

state of numb awareness at the floating dark flecks moving in her line

of sight.

With the free flow of oxygen to her lungs, the flecks began to

disappear one tiny speckle at a time.

Joanne was saying something from the couch. She couldn’t hear

her. She sounded too far away.

Soon she was standing over her and lifting her by the hands.

“Come on.”

Adrian sat up and focused. Joanne was moist with sweat and

her breasts looked pleasantly bruised. The thick muscles in her legs

slinked up and then down as she pulled Adrian into a stand. Her ample

ass cheeks took turns boxing themselves as she walked ahead of her,

leading into the bedroom.

“Go ahead and undress,” she said with a naughty grin. “Take off

everything.”

She disappeared into the bathroom and Adrian heard water

running. As she undressed she took in the room. Like the rest of the

house, it was small but neat with pale carpet, a queen-sized bed, and

matching furniture. The only thing odd about the room was its color. It

was orange. Bright orange.

The blanket on the bed matched, cream with orange trim. The

throw pillows looked like orange slices. The room even smelled a

little…tangy. Adrian went to pull back the covers and was startled by

a framed photograph lying just below one of the pillows. Curious, she

picked it up. It was a photo of a ferret.

“So you’re okay with him sleeping in the bed?” Joanne had

emerged from the bathroom, toothbrush dangling from her mouth.

“Who?”

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She nodded toward the photo. “Freddie. He was my boy. I lost him

two weeks ago.”

“And you sleep with the photo?”

“He always slept with me. Lay right here.” She pointed to her

bosom.

She shrugged. “I guess.” Her weird alert started to ping like a

deep-dwelling submarine searching for others.

“Good.” She seemed really relieved. “You want to go get ready

for bed?”

Adrian wasn’t sure what she meant. To sleep or to fuck.

“There’s a toothbrush and a washcloth laid out for you.”

“A toothbrush?”

“I always have extras.”

Did that mean she did this a lot? The thought immediately linked

to her initial trepidations about Sierra. She mentally battled as she made

her way to the bathroom. Joanne is not Sierra. Joanne is not Sierra.

She just had extra toothbrushes. She probably bought them in bulk at

Costco or something. Nothing to worry about. Still…Tamara hadn’t

seemed happy about her leaving with her. And then there was the photo

of her dead ferret she slept with.

“You can use my toothpaste,” Joanne called out. “Just be sure to

squeeze from the bottom not the middle. Oh and rinse out the sink when

you’re done.”

Adrian leaned on the sink and forced herself to breathe out long

and slow. She turned on the faucet and splashed cold water on her face.

For a second she thought it might sizzle right off her skin. She splashed

some more and ran it through her hair and along the back of her neck.

She allowed her skin to air-dry as she brushed her teeth. It wasn’t until

she finished that she realized she’d squeezed from the middle.

“Shit.” Hurriedly, she squeezed from the bottom and placed

it alongside the toothbrush. Then she dried her face and entered the

bedroom.

Joanne was under the covers. Carefully, Adrian rounded the bed

and pulled back the covers on her side. She stretched her legs and lay

down. The sheets felt cool against her bare skin.

“Mmm, this is nice,” Joanne said, inching closer to her. She kissed

Adrian’s shoulder, then moved down her arm to her chest where she

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teased her nipple. Adrian hissed with rising pleasure. It felt nice and

Joanne felt warm and smooth, lulling her deeper into sensual bliss.

“Roll over,” Joanne whispered.

Adrian considered asking why, but Joanne’s tongue convinced

her, trailing up and down along the sides of her torso, back up to her

breasts, where she flicked at her nipples.

Groaning softly, Adrian turned and settled on her stomach. Joanne

straddled her quickly, pressing her hands into Adrian’s back as she

rocked against the flesh of her buttocks. Adrian could feel the cool

slickness of her as she gyrated and began to pant.

“You feel so good,” Joanne said. “Your ass, ah, yeah.”

She leaned forward, raking her nails down Adrian’s sides, and

kissed her ear.

“Are you ready?” She kissed her neck and shoulders and began

to move her mouth downward over her back. When she reached her

buttocks she devoured the remnants of her own slickness. “Mmm, you

better be ready.”

Adrian’s heart thumped wildly and she muffled her moans in the

pillow. She felt Joanne lower herself farther, felt her ease apart her

thighs, felt her eager tongue lick its way up to her nucleus.

“Ah,” Adrian let out, lifting her face from the pillow.

Joanne made a wicked noise and buried her mouth in Adrian, her

tongue rubbing over and around her clit and then sneaking into her

hole.

Adrian clenched the pillow and lifted herself to Joanne, unable

not to.

“There we go,” Joanne said between forceful swipes of her tongue.

“Get on your knees.”

Trembling, Adrian rose to her knees and elbows. She nearly came

out of her skin when Joanne teased her hole with her fingertips and then

shoved her fingers up deep inside.

Her throat seemed to tighten as Joanne pumped quickly and firmly,

holding Adrian’s hip with her other hand.

“Take it,” Joanne said, again and again, in tune with her powerful

thrusts. “Take it. Take it full and hard.”

Mouth hanging open, muscles taut, body rocking back and forth,

Adrian clenched her eyes and took it, her vaginal walls clinging to

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Joanne’s fingers, wanting to hold them captive, wanting them to stroke

and pump and fuck for all eternity.

She couldn’t speak, couldn’t think, couldn’t do anything but hold

herself up and offer herself for the taking.

Her body thrummed with the hot pleasure as it stabbed, forced,

filled.

Louder smacking sounds ensued and she knew she was slick with

wet. She was heavy with it, felt it encasing the swordlike fingers, felt it

dripping onto her clit and inner thighs.

She pushed back farther, needing more of Joanne.

Oh God, how she needed it.

“Fuck me,” she managed to say through a sandpaper throat. Oh

God, just fuck me. Fuck me hard. Harder. Oh God, harder. Until your

fingers come out my mouth.

But then suddenly the fucking stopped. Adrian nearly collapsed

at the shock. Her head fell and she gasped for breath with her forehead

pressed to the pillow as she trembled, still on all fours.

“What—what’s going on?”

She heard and felt Joanne moving. Soft pillows were put between

her knees. Then Joanne was gripping her thighs and sliding beneath

her, resting her head on the pillows so that her head was just beneath

her saturated flesh.

Wet fingers found her again, sliding in quickly to pump.

Adrian started feeding into the thrusts, unable to control herself.

Joanne groaned, pleased yet hungry. “Bring yourself to me,” she

said, her voice coated with seduction. “Rest on my face.”

A warm hand pressed against her buttocks, encouraging her to

lower herself. She struggled for breath and shook as she relaxed her

legs and brought her center to Joanne’s wet and waiting mouth.

“Oh!” It felt good. Hot and slippery, devouring her clit and

surrounding engorged tissue. And then the pumping started again. In

and out. In and out. First two fingers, then more, stretching her, filling

her, stroking her walls like hot, knowing lances.

She clenched her eyes and then opened them, desperately wishing

Joanne’s flesh was beneath her so she could lower her mouth and feed.

“I want you,” she managed. “Beneath me.”

Joanne pulled her mouth away to speak. “No. This is just you.”

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She reattached and ate more of her, sucking and licking, holding firmly

with her teeth.

Adrian cried out, her body now completely out of her control. It

was its own being, starving and feeding.

She stared at the orange wall as her hips flexed and pushed into

Joanne.

She was going to come. Now. Right now.

Oh God. The pumping of the hot fingers. The sucking of the

fevered mouth.

Oh God.

The weight of her on Joanne’s mouth. Hinged there. Rocking.

Fuck.

She clenched her jaw, her eyes and her hands.

And she came.

Her body went into a frenzy as the orgasm rushed through her. She

bit into an orange slice pillow and squeezed the bedding so hard her

fingers hurt, with Joanne laughing wickedly beneath her all the while.

When she finally stilled, Joanne crawled out from under her and

came to rest up on the neighboring pillow. She fixed the blankets and

covered them both up after Adrian settled down onto her back.

She felt like rubber, easily pliable. Her heart still pumped thick

and heavy behind her rib cage. It felt nice. Like her blood was rich with

heat and pleasure and all things wild.

“That was fabulous,” Joanne said, tugging Adrian close to rest her

cheek on her balloon-like breast. “You’re really responsive.”

She was exhausted. Couldn’t keep her eyes open.

Joanne stroked her back and Adrian got lost in the warmth of her

breast, the sound of her muffled heartbeat soothing.

“Shh, that’s it. Go to sleep.”

Adrian closed her eyes and Joanne extinguished the light. They

lay there in the darkness and Adrian drifted off to sleep.

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ChapteR FouRteen

It was barely light when Adrian woke. She was snuggled under

light blankets, shivering profusely as gray light drifted in

through the windows. The orange walls looked dull and suddenly she

remembered where she was.

She turned and shifted onto an elbow. Joanne was asleep on her

back, resting on two pillows with something strange on her chest.

Blinking for focus, Adrian eased down the covers to get a better

look. The photo of Freddie was resting on her breasts.

Adrian stared for a long moment, unsure what to think, if anything,

before she turned away. As she relaxed and looked at the ceiling, she

recalled the love making the night before. Her muscles felt stiff as she

stretched and her center felt warm and tight, reminiscent of a recent

fucking.

She’d never let anyone take her like that before. Not from behind.

And never in a way that was so forceful and raw and animalistic.

And she wasn’t sure how she felt about it.

The chill of the early morning air seeped in through the covers.

Joanne pushed out puffs of air next to her, the photo of Freddie rising

and falling with each breath.

She glanced around for more blankets but didn’t see any. The

bedroom was extremely tidy, with nothing on the dresser or night tables

save for lamps and an alarm clock.

Why wasn’t the heat on? She sat up and searched for her clothes.

She found them in the bathroom folded neatly on top of the clothes

hamper. After she relieved herself and dressed she walked silently

around the small house. She stopped in the hallway and studied the

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thermostat. The heat was on auto but it was set at fifty-eight. She hugged

herself as she continued into the kitchen.

After rubbing the sleep from her eyes, she sank into a chair at the

table and glanced around. Everything was new. From the cabinets to

the countertops to the sink to the stove. All of it had been replaced, and

probably recently, based on the modern look to it. The floor gleamed

and she ventured she could probably see her reflection if she tried.

She tugged open the stainless steel fridge and peered inside. Juice

bottles were lined up neatly along with stacks of already made food

stored in plastic containers. She helped herself to a small water bottle

and sipped as she headed back toward the bedroom.

There were no photos of family on the wall or anything that

suggested Joanne had a past at all. The tiny house was just neat and full

of new things. Even the sofa they’d screwed on the night before looked

new. And the television across from it looked modern, staring at her

from an IKEA entertainment center.

It was a very nice home. Anyone would be proud of it. So why did

she feel strange in it?

She peeked in on Joanne and found her still fast asleep. She looked

kind of sweet as she slept, her long mane cascading around her head,

her hands resting on the photo.

Adrian shook the thought away, convinced she was still half

asleep or still a bit high from the night before. She left the doorway

and headed down the hall. She found her shoes on the rack by the door.

After slipping them on, she found her peacoat nearby on a wall hook

and slid into it, buttoning it up all the way. She unlocked the front door

and stepped outside, pushing in the lock on the doorknob to secure the

house behind her.

The air was cold, stinging her face and lungs. She looked around

and reality sank in.

Shit. Tamara had her car.

She searched in her jeans and found her cell phone. There was a

text from Tamara sent at two a.m.

Text when ur ready 2 leave.

Adrian smiled and began typing. Tamara replied quickly, informing

her that Harriet lived nearby. She was there within fifteen minutes with

Harriet in a car behind her.

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Adrian met them at the end of the driveway.

“That was fast.”

Tamara crawled from Adrian’s car, leaving it running. “I was

expecting you to call.”

“You’re that smart, huh?”

Adrian waved at Harriet, who quickly waved back.

“I just know you.”

“Yeah, well, it wasn’t that bad.” She stared back at the house.

Right? In fact, it was kind of…powerful.

“No? Hmm. You must like getting it from behind.”

Adrian whipped her head around. “What?”

Tamara laughed. “Go home and get some sleep, Adrian.”

“Wait, no, how, what do you mean?”

“Nothing. I don’t mean anything.” She stood by the passenger

door of Harriet’s car. “Call me later.”

“Wait, T.” What had she meant? Did she know something about

Joanne? Who else knew?

“We’re tired,” Tamara said opening the door. “We haven’t even

slept yet.” She grinned.

Adrian scowled at her and gave up. “Yeah, yeah. Whatever.” She

waved. “Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it.”

Adrian slid into her car and closed the door. As she drove home

she thought of Joanne, knowing she’d have to call her later to explain.

It wasn’t something she was looking forward to. She hated trying to

explain her sudden early departures to women she hardly knew.

When she entered her apartment, she set the heat to seventy,

dodged the noisy cats, kicked off her shoes, and collapsed onto her bed.

Snuggling into a soft, white pillow, she drifted back off to sleep.

v

The ringing phone interrupted her trance, causing her to jerk. A

wild mark streaked across the page and she tossed her charcoal onto

the table and crossed the room. She managed to grab the phone by the

seventh ring. The dial tone greeted her rudely.

“Great.” She pushed the Off button and returned to her drawing.

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The sketch had started off simply enough, just her sitting down to draw

freely. A few long, easy strokes had soon turned into long, thick, wavy

hair. Those had soon led to a face. A beautiful face. Morresay’s face.

And as she drew her she fantasized about her, wondering what her

cheekbones would feel like to the back of her fingers. What her hair

smelled like when it blew in the breeze. What her voice sounded like

first thing in the morning after a long night of clawing and crying out

to the moon in passion.

She sat and stared at the drawing, ran her finger over the developing

flesh of Morresay’s soft breast. Traced another finger over the delicate

swoop of her bottom lip. She tried to get back there to that place where

Morresay moved and spoke freely, encouraging her onward. But the

fantasy was gone. Killed by the ringing phone.

“Damn.” She sat back and gave up. It had been wonderful while

it lasted. Seeing his opportunity, One quickly jumped up and pressed

his paws to her chest. She scratched him behind the ears, set him down,

and rose to stretch. Her muscles were still a bit stiff and her center

ached but in a good way. She took a quick shower, dressed, and settled

on the couch with a Diet Pepsi and a big soft pretzel she’d nuked in the

microwave.

There wasn’t much on television, so she decided to call Tamara.

“Hey, you up?” Adrian asked when Tamara answered sounding

groggy.

“Not quite. What time is it?”

“After one.”

“I need to get up.”

Adrian heard her rustling.

“I can call you back later.”

“No, no. Talk now. How was last night?”

Adrian extended her legs and crossed her sock-covered feet on the

coffee table.

“It was okay.”

“Just okay?”

“Yeah. Why? I haven’t forgotten your little comment, you

know.”

“I bet.”

“What exactly did you mean by that?”

There was a brief silence and Adrian grew a bit nervous. Her palms

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actually started to sweat as she recalled the way Joanne had fucked her

the night before.

“Joanne likes to give it from behind,” Tamara finally said.

Adrian felt herself flush. “And how do you know this?”

“Everybody knows.”

Adrian sat up and placed her feet on the floor. “Everybody?”

“Well, obviously not you.”

She didn’t know what to say. She was beyond embarrassed. “Why

didn’t you tell me?”

“You mean last night? Why would I? Besides, it wouldn’t have

stopped you.”

“It might’ve. Had I known the entire town would know what we

would be doing.”

Tamara laughed softly. “It’s no big deal, Adrian. You enjoyed

yourself, didn’t you?”

“I’m not going to answer that.”

“You did. I heard she’s good.”

Adrian stood. “Oh my God.” Could she be any more embarrassed?

Was every lesbian in the county discussing her and Joanne and their

sexual positions?

“I gotta go.”

Tamara ignored her. “Are you going to see her again?”

“I don’t know.” She paced the living room, worked up. “Not if the

world is going to speculate and discuss our sex life.”

“Oh, come on. You know how lesbians talk. That’s all it is.

Mindless gossip.”

“I don’t know.” She still didn’t like it. Allowing herself to be

fucked like that left her feeling vulnerable enough. She didn’t need the

world knowing about it.

“What about everything else? Did you like Joanne?”

She opened the front door and leaned against the jamb to stare

out at the parking lot and trees beyond. The air still felt cool but the

sunshine was bright and kissed her face gently. “She was okay.”

“Just okay?”

She squinted up at the sky. “Yeah. Why?”

“I’ve just heard some things.”

“You mean other than the taking from behind?” She cringed, upset

at the mental image of herself on all fours, taking it, loving it.

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“Yeah.” There was more rustling and Adrian could hear Tamara

talking to someone else. “Listen, I gotta go. Harriet’s up and we need

to get ready to go eat.”

They ended the call and Adrian lay back on the couch, phone

resting on her chest. She shifted for comfort and her thighs tightened

like a taut bow, reminding her again of the night before.

Joanne. Shit. She’d forgotten to ask Tamara for her number.

Oh, well. She’d get it later. Frankly, she wasn’t all that excited

about seeing her again. Yes, the sex had been interesting, but she was

left feeling awkward and exposed. And Joanne was just…

What?

She couldn’t put her finger on it. Not right now anyway. She

stretched and snuggled into the cushions, tugging down the throw

blanket resting along the back of the couch. Two meowed from the

coffee table and joined her by jumping on her stomach. He tucked his

front paws under his chest and relaxed like a hen sitting on her eggs.

His body felt weighty and warm. His wicked gold eyes stared back at

her, blinking longer and slower. Soon they were both asleep.

The ringing phone woke her sometime later, entering her strange

dream about work where she was hurrying to pack boxes. There was a

loud alarm going off at her tardiness.

She blinked and clawed her way from the dream, fumbling with

the phone, realizing it had been the sounding alarm.

“Hello?” she croaked.

What time was it?

“Well, hello.”

The voice was familiar, yet she wasn’t confident enough to say

her name.

“Hi.”

“You owe me an apology.”

“I do?” She shooed Two off her and sat up, causing One to grunt

and jump from her feet as well.

“Yes. For leaving without saying good-bye.”

It was Joanne.

“You’re right. I do. I’m sorry.” She rubbed her eyes. “I was going

to call but—”

“But you didn’t get my number.”

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Adrian cleared her throat. It felt scratchy from sleep but tight with

sudden nerves. Was Joanne really pissed? She couldn’t tell.

“Right.” She rose and stretched. “I’m sorry about that too. But

wait. How did you get mine?”

“I had to be resourceful.” There was a throaty chuckle. “I tried to

call you earlier but you must’ve been out.”

“Oh. Yeah.” She would’ve said she’d been asleep, but for some

reason she didn’t want to say that to her, feeling like she was the type

to judge her for such a thing.

“I’m glad I caught you now.”

Adrian wasn’t sure what to say. Was she glad Joanne had called?

“Are you busy?” Joanne asked, filling in the silence.

“Me? Uh, well, you know. Just the usual.” She searched for

something to do, to grab, to busy herself with as if Joanne could see her.

Why did she make her feel this way?

“Good. Then open the door.”

Adrian stiffened. “Sorry?”

“Open your door.”

She cleared her throat again, this time fighting against the clinching

quickly moving up her windpipe. She crossed to the door and looked

out the peephole. Joanne was waving.

Shit.

The dead bolt made a loud metal on wood thud as she disengaged

it and pulled open the door. A rush of cold air slammed against her a

split second before Joanne’s perfume. Today it was more feminine and

strong.

“Hi.” The wind was playing with her long mane and her smile

was made up with heavy lipstick. Her tits were nearly directly beneath

her chin, cinched up tight and high and bountiful. The black turtleneck

hugging them looked very thick and snug fitting under her open leather

jacket.

“Hi.”

Her dark eyes moved quickly over Adrian’s body and settled on

her hair. “Were you sleeping?”

“What? No. Of course not.”

She forced a smile. “Good. I didn’t want to disturb you.”

Adrian nervously smoothed down her jeans. She didn’t like being

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caught off guard like this. Didn’t like it at all. It brought up those feelings

she’d experienced with Sierra and her moving in without permission.

“Actually, I was just—”

“Aren’t you going to invite me in?” Her deep red lips peeled back

to show more of her teeth. She didn’t have a large smile to begin with,

so the made-up lips seemed overbearing and contradictory.

“Sure.” She stepped back and allowed her in, closing the door after

her. Her high-heeled boots clicked on the concrete and then fell silent

as they hit her carpet. Adrian stared at her ass for a moment wondering

how she got in her dark, tight jeans. Did she cinch up her thick ass like

she did her breasts? It appeared so, but she looked like she was well

balanced. Full breasts in the front and full ass in the back.

She was definitely something to look at. Men and women both

probably stumbled when walking by.

Adrian moved past her to stand in front of the coffee table. She

fidgeted and then shoved her hands into her pockets.

“Would you like a drink?”

Joanne was busy taking in the apartment, her eyes sliding over

every last inch.

“This just a one-bedroom?”

“Uh, yes.”

She nodded. “Thought so.” She eyed the coffee table and crossed

to sit on the sofa. When she saw the blanket an eyebrow shot up on her

forehead. “You sure you weren’t sleeping?”

Adrian could feel her blood catch aflame beneath her skin. “Did

you want something to drink?” She leaned over and snatched the

blanket, folding it to return to the back of the couch.

Joanne crossed her leg over her knee and sat back. “What do you

have?”

“Water, juice, soda.”

“Diet soda?”

Adrian nodded and headed for the fridge.

“That’s fine,” Joanne said.

“So how did you find my place?” She grabbed a can of Diet Pepsi

and returned to the couch.

“I told you. I’m resourceful.” Joanne studied the soda. “Do you

have a glass?”

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Adrian fought off a groan and hurried back to the kitchen where

she found a glass and then opened the freezer.

“No ice,” Joanne said.

Of course not.

Adrian closed the freezer and brought her both the glass and the

can. Joanne took them with a smile and poured herself some soda.

She sipped casually as Adrian perched on the end of the sofa feeling

uncomfortable in her own home.

“So,” Joanne finally said. “I thought we could go to dinner.”

“Oh?”

“Yes. I thought that would be nice.”

Adrian didn’t want to go to dinner. But she didn’t want to stay

there with Joanne either. “Okay, sure.”

“Great.” She blinked long grateful eyelashes at her. “Why don’t

you go get ready?”

What the hell was wrong with what she was wearing?

“I don’t feel like going anywhere really nice.”

“I don’t either.”

Okaaay.

She forced herself to be nice. “I’ll be right back.”

Just go change, have dinner, and get rid of her.

She entered her bedroom and closed the door. One and Two peeked

out at her from under the bed.

“Sure, throw me to the lions.”

She scraped her clothes hangers over the wooden rod as she

searched for a nicer shirt, shoving one after another aside. She liked the

worn look. The soft, faded yet stylish look. It was a statement. A “you

may think I don’t care, but this was actually carefully planned” look.

After some more internal deliberation, she decided on a wine-

colored blouse and a pair of dark blue jeans with worn creases.

She dressed quickly and spent a few minutes on her hair before

stepping into a dark brown pair of thick-soled, below-the-ankle boots.

She laced them up, straightened, and slapped on her watch. When she

entered the living room she saw Joanne moving about. She stopped

short when she saw Adrian.

“Oh good, you’re ready.” She looked like she’d been caught with

her hand in the cookie jar.

• 133 •

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Adrian looked around, curious. The coffee table was completely

clean with the soda cans and paper plate from her pretzel gone, along

with her magazines.

“I just tidied up a bit,” Joanne said.

“Where are my magazines? And the remote?”

“In the drawer.”

“What drawer?”

“Here.” She crossed to the end table next to the couch and pointed.

“And I redid your books.”

Adrian looked to the bookcase. Every book and every knickknack

had been rearranged.

“Why?”

“Well, it looks better that way, don’t you think? I grouped them by

author so they’d be easier to find.”

Great. Wonderful. Life changing. Truly. Thank you.

“Why did you move my statues?”

Joanne seemed at a loss, like she didn’t know what to say, as if it

should be entirely obvious. When she finally spoke she almost sounded

like a child. “They just didn’t seem happy where they were.”

“Happy?”

WTF?

“Yes. You know, they seemed lost.” She took a big breath. “I believe

everything has a soul. Even statues. Especially statues. Especially ones

of fairies and gnomes.”

Adrian was dumbfounded. She stared at her for a long moment

waiting to see if she’d correct her statement or bust into laughter at the

joke. She did neither, and now Adrian was at a loss.

“I—” Though it bothered her, her books didn’t look bad that

way. But still, the unannounced visit, the uninvited phone calls, the

unwelcome rearranging of her things. It wasn’t cool. “Let’s just go.”

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ChapteR FiFteen

They went to a local dive with sawdust on the floor and peanuts

in small buckets on the tables. It peeved Adrian a bit knowing

she could’ve worn the faded navy thermal and soft jeans she’d had on

before. But she tried to forget about it, realizing it was a control issue.

She would’ve dressed nicer for a date, yes. But she didn’t consider this

a date, and she didn’t like being strong-armed into doing anything.

“You gotta try the Firefly,” Joanne said, tossing the menu aside.

“It’s a drink. You look like you could use one.”

“Do I?” Should I be offended? Can you tell I’m upset?

One side of Joanne’s mouth pulled into a smirk. “Yes.” She lifted

her finger and got the waiter’s attention.

“Two Fireflies with water and a lemon twist.”

Adrian thought about protesting, but Joanne was right. She was in

desperate need of a drink.

“What’s good here?” she asked, studying the menu nearly dripping

in red meat. Country music blared from the overhead speakers. The

smoky scent of sizzling steaks was in the air along with the freshly

baked smell of buttered rolls. Nearby, people laughed and slammed

back mugs of heady beer. If she’d been in a better mood, she would

have somewhat liked the place.

“Anything. And it’s on me. So get what you want.”

On you? She fought against arguing, knowing somehow that it

would be useless. The waiter returned with their drinks and Joanne

ordered a slab of red meat with a baked potato. Adrian decided on a

grilled chicken sandwich with avocado. She sipped her drink tentatively

• 135 •

RoniCa BLaCk

and was pleasantly surprised by the nice flavor. Joanne was watching

her closely.

“It’s Firefly sweet tea vodka. Doesn’t taste like alcohol, does it?”

“No, not really.” She drank more, pleased. “It’s good.”

“I love it.”

“I can see why.” She sat back and tried to relax. Joanne picked at

the complimentary bread in the red plastic basket. She looked nice in

her dark turtleneck, and once again Adrian was mesmerized by the light

reflecting off her irises.

“So tell me about yourself, Adrian. But first tell me why you

left.”

“No reason really. I woke up very early and I didn’t want to disturb

you.”

“You should’ve wakened me. I would’ve made coffee, breakfast.

We could’ve spent the morning doing what we did last night.” Her eyes

flashed playfully.

“I needed to get home.”

“How did you get home?”

“My friend.”

“Tamara?”

“Yes.” Adrian wasn’t sure but she thought she heard a hint of

jealousy.

“She came and got you that early? She must think I’m so rude.”

“Why would she think that? I told her you were asleep.”

They both sipped their drinks and Adrian began to feel the effects

of the vodka. It warmed her from the inside out and smeared the edges

of her reality just a little bit.

“So.” Joanne leaned on her elbows. “Do you have any family? I

noticed some photos on your shelves.”

Thank God they weren’t on the bookshelves. You would’ve moved

them.

“I have a sister.”

“She live around here?”

“No.” She moved her thumb up and down, making a condensation

trail along her glass. “She married into the Air Force. They move

frequently.”

“And those were your nieces in the photo?”

• 136 •

Chasing Love

“Yes.” She wasn’t keen on talking about her family. She loved her

sister Ava and the two girls, but she didn’t get to see them very much.

When she did she was happy for a while but then overwhelmed with

loneliness and sadness, reminded that she was alone.

“What about your folks?”

Adrian snapped her gaze up from the glass to Joanne’s face. “What

about them?”

“Are you close?”

This was going too far. She didn’t even know this woman. She

wasn’t about to slit open her skin and show her insides.

“It doesn’t matter.” She finished her drink and motioned toward

the waiter for another. Joanne could sit and stare at her all she wanted,

but she wasn’t going to get any more from her. Her mother and Louis

were hard enough to deal with, much less think about.

“That’s an off subject, I see.” Joanne pushed the small bucket

toward her. “Peanut?”

Adrian shook her head. If she hadn’t been buzzing already she

would’ve gotten up to leave. She would’ve called a cab and left Joanne

where she sat. She hadn’t wanted anything to do with this dinner,

Joanne’s visit, or even Joanne herself. And now she was being probed

about her personal life?

“Can I ask about the safari hat I saw on your entertainment center?

Or the old looking glass next to it?” She linked her hands and leaned

forward, resting her chin on them, waiting patiently for answer.

She’s lucky she’s beautiful.

“They were a gift.”

“Do you hunt or something?”

“No. Not in the traditional sense.”

“Are you going to elaborate?”

Adrian considered this for a moment. Should she? It was obviously

a game. Joanne was thoroughly enjoying it. She wasn’t the least bit

deterred by Adrian’s attitude or lack of disclosure.

“Tamara gave them to me.” The Firefly was running under her

skin fully now, helping to ease her resentment. She felt hot and free and

decided to be honest and a bit facetious. “To help me find a woman.”

Joanne was obviously surprised and even sat back in her chair.

“Well. I wasn’t expecting that.”

• 137 •

RoniCa BLaCk

“Sorry you asked?”

“No. I’m glad I did.” She sipped her drink slowly. “You have

trouble finding women, Adrian? I don’t see why you would.”

“I don’t have trouble finding women. I have trouble finding a good

woman.”

“You mean one to settle down with?”

“Yes.”

“And your friend Tamara finds humor in that.”

“Most do.” She didn’t add that Tamara no longer found it so

humorous.

“It can be a complicated thing. I know I’ve had trouble.”

“And why is that?” Because you’re pushy?

A new country song came on. This one a slow twang of sorts. The

mood in the restaurant immediately changed, growing quiet and calm.

When Joanne spoke, her tone had softened along with her face.

“Because I’m a romantic.”

“A romantic?”

“Yes. I’m waiting for the love of my dreams.”

“A prince on a white stallion?”

“So to speak.”

“Sort of like your fairies and gnomes?”

Joanne froze for a moment, then flicked her eyes down over the

table. She rearranged her silverware. “I guess you could say so.”

They sat in silence for a while and Adrian watched her closely, too

buzzed to care about being rude or playing coy. Joanne was beautiful.

Her creamy skin, her large dark eyes, her long blond hair…not to

mention her full chest and ass. But there was something there, just

under her skin, just under the surface of those eyes. She didn’t know

what it was. Couldn’t tell. But she knew it was stark and unlike the rest.

Something was brewing there, something that ran along with the current

at the same speed and temperature, but it was different, noticeable, like

blood in water. It made her uneasy, like she should watch her every

move. The feeling wasn’t pleasant.

Nothing much else was said when the food came and Adrian was

grateful, enjoying her chicken sandwich in peace. She didn’t like being

upset when she ate. It brought back memories of Louis slapping her

hands away from her plate, calling her fat. She’d sit in her chair and

• 138 •

Chasing Love

fight tears, wanting to shove the plate away, but he’d make her sit there

and eat a certain number of bites. Not too much and not too little. It had

to be his perfect amount.

She shoved the memories away, glad she was free of him. She

would be free of her too, soon.

She had more Firefly with her meal and by the time she was

finished she was flying high…or low…maybe both. Louis Shmouis.

And Joanne Shmoanne. She grinned, her trepidations and memories

buried in a shallow grave in her mind, easy to dig up, but for now, out

of sight.

“How was your meal?” Joanne asked, lifting a coffee mug to her

faded red lips.

“Good.”

“You look happy.”

“Happiness is relative.”

“Meaning?”

Adrian shrugged. “Nothing. Are you ready to go?” Joanne had

already paid the bill with cash. She’d grabbed the waiter’s wrist as soon

as he’d handed over the check, making him wait as she dug in her

purse.

Joanne’s after dinner coffee mug clinked slightly as she set it down.

After a long look Adrian couldn’t place, Joanne patted her mouth with

the napkin and rose. The speakers were back to playing loud country

music as they wove through tables. Joanne held the door for her and

when they reached the parking lot, she took Adrian’s hand.

Inwardly, Adrian knew she should pull away, but she didn’t seem

to have the strength or the stamina to keep allowing the warning signals

to fire off inside her head.

“You had quite a bit to drink,” Joanne said as she opened the truck

door and motioned for Adrian to get inside.

“Not really.” She’d had four full glasses. She was surprised she

was walking upright, actually.

Joanne crawled in next to her and started the engine. Adrian

closed her eyes and melted into the seat. When she opened them she

was surprised to see they were headed to the other side of town.

“Where are we going?”

“I thought we’d go to my place.”

• 139 •

RoniCa BLaCk

She straightened. “Why?”

“I just thought it would be nice.”

Then you should’ve asked. Adrian leaned back again, her

frustration quickly dissipating. They pulled into Joanne’s and Adrian

struggled to walk without feeling dizzy. She wasn’t totally blasted but

she knew she was close.

“Here, let me help you,” Joanne said as they stepped inside the

door. She knelt to untie Adrian’s shoes. “Hold on to my shoulders.”

Adrian did and Joanne slipped off her boots. Then she quickly

unzipped and pulled off her own before crossing into the kitchen. She

removed a cold bottle of water and two glasses.

“Let’s go sit.” She handed Adrian her glass and led the way to the

couch. “Come here,” she said to Adrian as she patted the cushion next

to her. Adrian hesitated.

“Maybe I should just go.”

“No, don’t be silly. You just got here.” She tugged on Adrian’s

hand and faced her as she finally sat. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine.” That wasn’t a lie. She did feel good. She just wished she

was at home feeling good.

Joanne touched her face, traced the outline of her forehead down

to her jaw.

“I like the way you look, Adrian. So sexy.”

Adrian’s eyes fluttered, Joanne’s touch so luring and seductive.

“And I love the way you respond to me in bed.” She leaned in

and kissed Adrian, following the path of her fingertips, delicate lips

skimming across Adrian’s forehead, temple, and jawline.

The light, repetitive caresses brought gooseflesh to life along

Adrian’s skin. She inhaled sharply and trembled as Joanne’s hair tickled

her along with her lips.

“I want to worship you, Adrian.”

“But—”

Joanne hushed her with a kiss, taking Adrian’s lips in her own to

pull and tease. When she pushed in with her tongue Adrian couldn’t

help but moan and nearly crumbled beneath her.

“Yes, Adrian. Just let me,” Joanne whispered just before kissing

her deeply once again. Soon Adrian was being led down the hall and

into the bedroom. A large ball was in her throat, bobbing in tune with

• 140 •

Chasing Love

the beat of her heart. Her clit ached and she knew she was wet. Her

knees went weak when Joanne turned and slinked up to her, dropping

to her knees to remove Adrian’s jeans and panties and then standing to

unbutton and remove her shirt and bra.

“There,” she purred, eyes glinting with obvious lust and approval.

“This is what I like.”

Soft fingers ran up and down Adrian’s sides. Then the press of firm

nails did the same. It awakened her, causing Adrian to grip Joanne’s

arms.

“Yes,” Joanne said, dipping her head to sink her teeth into Adrian’s

shoulder. “Are you liking this, baby?” She bit again and Adrian

gasped.

Joanne pulled away and tugged Adrian over to the bed. Nearly

panting she said, “Lie down. On your stomach.”

When Adrian tried to think, Joanne helped her along, easing

her onto the bed. And then there was no time for thought as Joanne

mounted her like she’d done the night before, this time bending to

assault Adrian’s back with long licks and powerful sucks.

Adrian was up on her elbows quickly, moaning, struggling for

rational thought and bits of oxygen. She couldn’t speak, Joanne moving

too quickly, ravishing her back with her mouth and hands, trailing down

to her center where she parted her with expert hands.

Hot breathing beat against Adrian’s flesh as Joanne teased her,

blowing on her.

“You’re so ready. So wet and glistening.” She laughed wickedly

and rimmed Adrian’s opening with knowing fingers.

“Come up for me, Adrian.” She lifted Adrian’s hips. “That’s it.”

Adrian’s fog-laden mind fizzled with electricity, but the thoughts

weren’t connecting, weren’t forming a clear picture. And then the mouth

was on her again, this time biting and sucking her cheeks as Joanne’s

fingers went around and around inside Adrian’s opening.

“Yes! Here I come, Adrian. Here I come.”

Hot, long fingers shot up inside Adrian, seemingly slamming right

into her spine, shooting ecstasy right up her back and into her brain.

She cried out just before her voice left her. The covers were bunched

in her hands and she slid back and forth as Joanne pumped her harder

and harder.

• 141 •

RoniCa BLaCk

“Take it. Take it all. Fucking take it.”

Adrian grunted, the pleasure consuming her entire body, the

sounds being forced from her with every thrust.

“God, Adrian. Yes. You feel so good.”

Adrian clung to the bed covers, got lost in the oblivion of the

orange wall. She could hear herself against Joanne’s fingers, the

smacking intensifying her pleasure.

All reality blurred and she was rocking on the planes of heaven

where nothing could ever come close to feeling better. In the distance

she heard Joanne talking. Telling her to come. Telling her to take more.

Telling her she was turning her hand inside her.

Adrian felt that. Felt the full hand. Felt it pressing and shoving

against her G-spot. Hot, fiery, heavenly hand.

“Come, Adrian. Come so I can flip you over and eat you out.”

Hot. Slamming. Pleasure. Forcing. Filling.

Yeeees.

Adrian clenched her eyes and shoved herself back into Joanne and

came.

She managed to call out, to rock furiously, to spasm in a fit of

sheer ecstasy. Joanne called out, too, as if she were there on that plane

with her, feeling every saturated firing nerve ending.

Adrian rocked and grunted, slowed and stilled. The orange came

back into focus and she collapsed on the bed, her vagina pulsing around

Joanne’s entrapped fingers.

Aftershocks shot through her as Joanne slowly removed her hand.

A mouth, somehow hotter than before, began to suck on her cheeks

again. It moved lower, tongue extending to line the crease of her ass.

Adrian shuddered and groaned and then strong hands lifted and turned

her and she rolled onto her back. She tried to speak, to raise her head

and look, but Joanne was already there, taking all of Adrian’s slick flesh

into her mouth like a crazed half starved creature.

A heat wave of pleasure burst up through her and Adrian tensed,

her back arching, her hips bucking into Joanne’s face. Blond hair

twisted around her fingers as she grabbed Joanne and held tight to her

head, loving the rapid back-and-forth movement of her, the smacking

sounds of her mouth as she fed.

Adrian came quickly as Joanne’s tongue followed the powerful

suction of her lips, stroking and flicking and bathing her sensitive clit

• 142 •

Chasing Love

again and again. Adrian dug her nails into Joanne’s scalp as her entire

body very nearly came up off the bed. She tensed and grunted, unable

to make any other noise. She could feel the pleasure pushing against

her skin, filling the strained veins on her temples and neck. She was

going to explode with it. Just completely explode.

Joanne shoved fingers into her again at the last second and Adrian

did indeed explode.

She let out a throaty animalistic cry and then fell like a slowly

drifting feather back onto the bed. She imagined more feathers falling

down around her as she lay there with her heart beating in her ears.

They turned from white to gray then from gray to black as she felt

Joanne rise and cover her with the sheets. There was a gentle kiss to her

forehead and the soft command that she sleep.

And then there was nothing.

• 143 •

• 144 •

Chasing Love

ChapteR sixteen

Something was there. Adrian sat straight up and searched the

darkness. She felt around with panicked hands, felt covers and

a pillow. Her heart eased as her eyes adjusted to the darkness.

Joanne’s. She was at Joanne’s. She reached for the bedside lamp

and gold light seeped into the room. Next to her, on Joanne’s pillow,

was Freddie, staring up at her from the photograph.

Where was his mommy?

The bathroom light was bright and it penetrated her eyes. Another

photo of Freddie she’d never noticed before stared at her from the top

of the toilet tank.

“I can’t pee with you looking at me.”

She backed out of the bathroom and found her clothes folded

neatly on the dresser. After yanking them on, she hurried to the spare

bathroom down the hall. She could hear Joanne somewhere nearby,

moving around.

In the bathroom she sat to pee and then washed her hands and

face. A throat-tingling nausea was present, along with an emerging

headache.

“Wonderful.” And what time was it?

She glanced at her watch. It was after nine p.m. Already dark.

How long had she been asleep?

She recalled the fucking. It blew into her mind like a careless

breeze. Joanne had taken her again. And she had loved it.

She’d also been drunk.

Damn it, how did this all happen today?

• 145 •

RoniCa BLaCk

She killed the light and made her way down the hallway to the

living room. Soft music could be heard. It seemed to be coming from

the television. One of those music channels.

When she caught sight of Joanne in the kitchen she had to blink

to be sure she was seeing correctly. Humming along with the music,

Joanne stood at the sink facing her. She was nude, save for a pair of

rubber yellow cleaning gloves. Adrian stared in disbelief, unsure if she

was wearing anything below the waist. Adrian took a step back and

peeked around the corner, watching as Joanne dipped a scrub brush

into a nearby bucket and then scoured the sink with it. Her tits swung as

she worked and she worked hard, giving the sink a thorough cleaning.

Then she turned on the faucet and rinsed it out, then dried it with a soft

towel.

Adrian waited a moment longer, thinking she might be finished

and ready to dress. But as soon as she set down the towel, she dug in

the bucket for her brush and started in on the counters, breasts swinging

and mouth humming. Blushing, Adrian stepped into view and cleared

her throat.

Joanne looked up and stared.

“Sorry to interrupt,” Adrian said, careful not to look at her

breasts.

“You’re up.” She sounded stunned.

“Yeah. I uh,—”

“I thought you’d sleep through the night.”

“Oh. Well, I have work tomorrow—”

“I know. I was going to wake you in plenty of time.”

Adrian wasn’t sure what to say. “Well, I’m up now.”

Joanne tossed the brush into the bucket and peeled off her gloves.

When she walked Adrian heard clicking. And when she rounded

the counter Adrian was shocked to see her bare legs and thick black

stilettos. She couldn’t help but stare.

“You like what you see?” Joanne asked.

What? “You’re wearing heels.”

“Yes.”

“To clean in.”

“Yes.”

Adrian rubbed her forehead.

“I always do.”

• 146 •

Chasing Love

“Why?”

“I like heels.”

This was weird. Way fucking weird. How much had she had to

drink? Was it still in her system? No. This was real. And too strange

feeling to be imagined.

“I think I should go.”

“Why?”

Was she serious?

“Because I have things to do and, well, you do too. I don’t want

to impose.”

“You’re not imposing.” She clicked her way over to the fridge and

opened the door. “You thirsty?”

Adrian moved a little, following her so she could keep her in her

line of sight.

“No, thanks.”

Joanne closed the fridge. Her chocolate nipples were hard. She

was unscrewing a bottle of water. “You really should hydrate after that

vodka.”

“I will, thanks. At home.”

“Why don’t you stay while I finish cleaning?”

“Why would I want to do that?”

Joanne retrieved a glass and poured. “I don’t know. You could

relax and watch TV.”

“No thanks.”

Joanne walked over with the water. The way she moved was

sensual, ass shaking, legs slinking with thick muscle. She smirked. “I

think you do like what you see.”

Maybe. But you’re crazy.

Adrian took the glass but didn’t drink.

“I gotta go.”

She handed Joanne the glass.

Joanne wasn’t fazed. “I have cleaning to do.”

“You can take me home first.”

“No.”

Adrian was growing angry. “I want to go home.”

“Then you’ll have to wait until I’m done. It’s Sunday night and I

have to clean.”

“You want me to stay. While you clean.”

• 147 •

RoniCa BLaCk

“I want you to stay all night.” She smiled and tried to touch her,

but Adrian headed for the door.

“I said no thanks. Now take me home. Please.”

Joanne’s face hardened and suddenly that something that had been

hidden just below the surface came to a rise. “I said no. I have things to

do. You’ll have to wait.”

“You have to do them now? Right this second?”

“Yes.”

“Or what? The world will end?”

Joanne clenched her jaw and her eyes deadened, like somebody

blew out the flame to her candle.

Adrian dug in her pockets for her cell phone. She had to get out

of there.

“I thought you liked me.” Her voice was deep and dangerous.

Adrian reached for the door. Joanne came closer.

“It’s Freddie, isn’t it? Because I miss him and still sleep with

him.”

“No, it’s not Freddie.”

“I knew it.” She threw her hands up and then buried her face in

them and began to cry. “It’s always Freddie. Nobody has ever liked

him. Now he’s dead and you still don’t like him.”

Adrian watched her sob, her body shaking in the high heels.

She tried to calm her down. “It’s not that.”

“Then it’s me.”

Adrian dropped her hands in defeat. “I like you just fine,

Joanne.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Yes, I do.”

“You always leave.”

“I have things to do. I have a life. And you’re…busy. I don’t want

to sit here while you clean. How is that fun?”

She looked up. “It’s something I have to do. Life isn’t always

fun.” Oh my God. Adrian was at a loss. “You obviously don’t get it.

Which is why I need to go. I’m not going to argue with you. I just need

to go home and do my ‘not so fun stuff’ while you do yours. Okay?”

“And you’ll see me again?”

• 148 •

Chasing Love

“Sure. Yes.”

“Tomorrow?”

“I have plans.”

“See. I knew it! You’re brushing me off.”

“No, I’m not. I’m truly busy.”

“I want to see you. I thought maybe I could make dinner.”

“Okay. Yes. Fine. Later in the week.”

“Tuesday?”

“Can’t.”

“Wednesday?”

Adrian didn’t have the nerve to say no. “Wednesday’s fine. I have

a class but I’ll come over when I’m done.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

Joanne seemed to think long and hard, studying Adrian as she did

so.

“And you want to go now?”

“That would be nice.”

Joanne left the room without another word and for a while Adrian

wondered if she was coming back. She debated texting Tamara. What

would she say? Joanne fucked me good again but then refused to take

me home? But she’d had to swallow her pride many times before. Why

should tonight be any different?

Because I’m tired of being a fuckup when it comes to women.

Joanne returned wearing a pair of sweats. To Adrian’s continued

surprise she knelt and pulled on her high-heeled boots, zipping them up

quickly before rising to pull on her coat. She was a sight to see.

“You really like heels don’t you?” Adrian asked as they backed

out of the driveway.

“Yes. Most people find them sexy.”

With sweats?

Adrian nodded but said nothing.

“So what are you going to do at home?” Joanne asked.

Eat something, throw in a load of laundry, sip a Diet Pepsi, and

watch TV.

“Clean, mostly. Scrub. Really get down on my knees and fucking

work that kitchen floor.”

• 149 •

RoniCa BLaCk

“Really?”

“Sure.” She did like a clean floor.

“I still have a lot to do too. The kitchen, the bathrooms.”

“The floors.” She was just throwing out random things now.

Joanne looked at her. “No, not the floors. Floors are Wednesday.”

“Oh. Right.”

“Then the living room, the bedrooms, and the hallway.”

“And you can’t alter that any.”

“No, you can’t. Then everything gets screwed up and I lose my

mind. I’m going to have to really hustle it when I get back home.”

Adrian patted her leg. “You should’ve cleaned instead of coming

after me today.”

“Oh no, I don’t start until seven. I like to do it at night.”

And nude and in heels.

Adrian stared straight ahead and kept quiet the rest of the ride

home. When they reached her apartment she hopped out quickly and

poked her head in the door to say good-bye.

“Don’t forget to come Wednesday. I’ll have dinner ready.”

“I’ll call you as soon as I get out of class.” She smiled and closed

the door. She felt Joanne’s eyes on her as she walked up the stairs. As

she slid her key into her lock she turned and saw her sitting in her car,

looking up at her.

With a wave she pushed open her door, stepped inside, and closed

and locked it behind her.

v

Work was mind-numbing and blissfully mundane that week

and Adrian thanked her lucky stars. She sat slumped at her desk on

Wednesday going over the eBay sales and printing out invoices while

sipping some tepid coffee. Her eyes often threatened to close but she

battled them open, forcing herself to focus.

“You must’ve had a wild night,” Benny said, shoving the rest of a

sprinkled doughnut in his mouth. He chewed loudly as his sausage-like

fingers stabbed at the keyboard.

“Mmm” was her reply. “More like weekend.”

He swallowed and it sounded like he’d forced down a billiard ball.

“Know what I did?”

• 150 •

Chasing Love

“You’re going to tell me, aren’t you?”

“I went to my buddy Jack’s Saturday night and got a lap dance

from a former Playboy Playmate.”

She rolled her eyes and continued working. She could see him

looking at her, waiting for a response.

“Did you hear me?”

“Uh-huh.”

“A fucking Playboy bunny.”

“That’s nice.”

“Nice? That’s fucking insane! She was so hot.”

“I bet.”

“Woulda been better if she’d a given me a hummer.” He cracked

open a Dr Pepper and slurped. “So what did you do?”

“Oh, you know. I got fucked from behind by an obsessive

compulsive with great big tits and a killer ass.”

“Fuuuck you.” He waved her off. “I don’t even know why I ask.

You always lie.”

She rolled back in her squeaky chair and stretched. “Toss me that

other soda. I need more caffeine.”

He did so and she let it settle for a while before opening it. It was

pushing noon and she was working through lunch wishing she could

leave to go meet Tamara. But they’d canceled lunch since they were

meeting up later in the evening for class.

She still wasn’t crazy about going. And she was even less thrilled

at the idea of going to Joanne’s afterward. She didn’t know what to

do about that situation. She’d thought about it as she’d tossed and

turned all night. After Sierra she’d hoped to find a serious woman.

A responsible woman. A woman over twenty-five with a somewhat

normal life. Joanne fit those to a T. So she was a bit obsessive. And a

bit of a controller. There were worse things, and Sierra had been proof

of that. Maybe she was being too picky like she had before. Maybe she

should give her another chance. But her gut was saying no. Her gut

was saying run, run, run. Besides, how could she ever have fun with

someone so damn uptight?

She slurped her drink as Benny interrupted her thoughts.

“When are you gonna come over to my place for my barbecue

ribs?” he asked. “And don’t say soon. You always say soon.”

“I don’t know.”

• 151 •

RoniCa BLaCk

“There’s always trouble in Lesbian Land or something and you

never come.”

“Well, there’s—”

“Always something going on. I know.”

He punched angrily at his keyboard and she wondered for a brief

second if he was hurt over her putting him off.

“I’ll come soon. I promise.”

He kept typing and she felt bad. She scooted back up to her

computer and got busy working on the website. “So what was her

name?”

“Huh?”

“Your bunny.”

“Oh. You really want to know?”

She looked over at him and saw his huge hopeful eyes.

“Sure. Give me all the details.”

He smiled and rubbed his hands together. “You’re not going to

believe this.”

v

Five hours later she was stretching in front of her computer while

Benny vacuumed. Uncle Jake had been in and out all afternoon, cranking

up a storm about everything from the price of gas to the weather in

Timbuktu. She and Benny had been on edge, walking on eggshells,

careful to look busy even when things slowed down. So she’d worked

on the website, taken more photos of parts to put up and answered

the phones. Benny liked doing physical work, so he’d pulled parts,

organized the stockroom, and cleaned.

It had been a long day and she was itching to text Tamara to cancel

the class. But just as she set foot in her car a text came through.

Don’t u dare cancel. Get ur ass here.

Sighing, Adrian started her car and headed for the community

college.

Tamara was waiting outside at a picnic table, hands stuffed in

pockets, wearing her red jacket. She still had on her blue denim work

shirt and khaki pants. She looked beautiful regardless.

“Hey,” Adrian said as they embraced for a quick hug.

• 152 •

Chasing Love

“You came. That’s how many classes in a row? I’m impressed.”

She laughed and they walked to a nearby building that said Student

Union.

When the door opened, a warm rush of cafeteria smells assaulted

them. They made their way through a small cluster of students and

stood in line at a small food service area.

“So how was your day?” Tamara asked.

“Slow.”

“Mine too. But I’m excited for class.”

“I wish I was.”

They ordered two turkey sandwiches and moved to the checkout

line.

“I don’t know what your problem is. I thought you were enjoying

it? You just need to tap into it a little bit and give this class more of a

chance.”

After they paid and filled their soda cups, they sat at an empty

round table. She did like the class, but the truth was it scared her a little

bit. Every time she went she felt like she was scratching at the surface

of a barely healed wound. One that once opened would never heal.

How could she explain that to Tamara? To anyone?

Morresay would understand.

The thought came from out of nowhere and she nearly choked

on her drink. Yes, Morresay would probably understand, but she felt

additionally anxious around her. She wasn’t sure if it was because she

was attracted to her or because she seemed so safe and sincere. Maybe it

was all of it. Bottom line was she needed to tread lightly. If she could.

As she took a large bite from her sandwich, her phone rang. She

checked the display as she chewed. She decided not to answer.

“Who is it?” Tamara asked, after swallowing some soda.

“Joanne.”

“You don’t want to talk to her?”

“Not right now. I told her I’d call her tonight when I was

finished.”

The ringing stopped and Adrian waited for a voice mail alert. A

text came in instead.

Haven’t heard from u. Where r u?

“She’s so pushy.” She shoved the phone away, upset.

• 153 •

RoniCa BLaCk

“Things aren’t going well?”

“No.”

“Because she’s pushy.”

“Yes. Among other things.”

“Mmm-hmm. So I’ve heard.”

Another text came through.

Hello? I’ve started dinner. Can u tell me when ur coming?

Adrian scoffed. “I wish you would’ve warned me.”

“I tried to.” She took another bite, her sandwich almost gone. “Did

she fuck you wearing high-heeled boots?”

Adrian nearly choked. “No.”

Tamara laughed. “Really? That’s her signature fuck. Naked with

high heeled boots, giving it to the woman from behind. She loves it.”

Adrian flushed. “There were lots of high heels. But not while we

were fucking. At least I don’t think.”

“I heard she won’t fuck a woman any other way than from

behind.”

Adrian chewed but didn’t ’fess up.

Tamara seemed to understand. “I take it the rumors are true, then.

Wow.” She shook her head. “That is one intense woman.”

“You have no idea.”

“I don’t want to either. Why do you think I never went out with

her? The shit I’ve heard…”

“She’s asked you?”

“Yep. A few times.”

“I really need to listen to you more often.”

Laughter echoed from Tamara as she threw back her head. “That’s

the understatement of the century.”

“I thought maybe I was being too picky again.”

“I don’t think so. Not from what I’ve heard.”

“I told you I get the weird ones.”

“You get people who are weird for you, yes. Because you don’t

take the time to get to know a woman before you screw her.”

“Yes, I do.”

“No, you don’t.”

She tried to think back to her previous lovers and how long she’d

spent with them before going to bed. She was stymied.

• 154 •

Chasing Love

Tamara shook her head. “Mmm-hmm.”

“I think I waited a day or two days with some.”

“Not near long enough.”

“But I was attracted to them and they to me.”

“Adrian.” She pushed away her drink. “This isn’t rocket science.

Your biggest problem is you. You rush into things and think just because

you had good sex and you were attracted to them that everything else

will fall into place. I know you know this. You aren’t stupid.”

“Thanks.”

“You aren’t. You just aren’t really ready.”

“And now I am?”

“Are you? I think after Sierra you damn well better be getting

there.”

She cringed. “Yeah. I am. Getting there. I think.”

“Be sure and then quit this bullshit.”

Adrian sucked on her straw, finishing off her soda. Several students

looked at them as they passed by. One woman smiled at Adrian and

caught her eye. She was dressed in jeans and a thigh-length leather coat;

her afro was short and bleached at the tips. She disappeared through the

door, still smiling, her hands in her pockets.

Tamara followed Adrian’s line of sight, curious. “What?”

“Nothing.”

Her phone alerted to another text.

Dinner will be ready very soon. Call me.

“You better answer her,” Tamara said looking at the phone. “Or

she’ll be up your ass all through class. Speaking of class, we gotta

go.”

They threw away their garbage and headed back out the way

they’d came. The sun had set and the night felt crisp and fresh as they

meandered through the well-lit campus. Adrian followed Tamara while

making a quick call to Joanne.

“Adrian,” Joanne said, answering on the second ring.

“Yes.”

“What the hell. You said you were going to call.”

“I am calling. I said I had plans and I would call you after.”

“So you’re finished now?”

“No. I’m calling because you won’t stop calling.”

• 155 •

RoniCa BLaCk

“I’m making dinner!”

“Well, I’m not done here. I haven’t even started.”

“But we have to eat. Dinner—”

“We can eat when I’m finished.”

“No, no, no, no, no!”

“Why not?”

Tamara stopped at the entrance to their building. She turned and

waited for Adrian to finish. Adrian began to pace, finger plugging her

other ear.

“Joanne?”

“Just never mind. Come when you damn well please.”

There was muffled noise and then silence.

“Hello?” Adrian pulled the phone from her ear and looked to

Tamara, incredulous. “She hung up on me.”

“Good. We have a class to focus on. And this is supposed to be

fun.” She held open the door.

The familiar scents of clay and paint stirred Adrian as she entered,

as they did each time she walked in. Her palms began to sweat, anxious

to create, and she was careful to head directly to her table without

stealing a glance at Morresay. She sat on her stool and placed the

ceramic cherub she’d brought in front of her.

It was chalk pastel night and the class was buzzing in anticipation.

Morresay closed the door and started class. Adrian finally looked at

her and found that she was looking at her as well. She gave Adrian

the familiar soft smile and then set in on instruction, gliding about

the classroom, touching shoulders, giving hints on pastels. Her black

blouse was thigh length and loose, bunched a bit at the waist with

a gold coin and chain belt that reminded Adrian of belly dancers. It

jingled and clinked as Morresay moved about the class explaining the

importance of color and blending. Pastels are forgiving, you don’t have

to be precise. So go with the flow of your mind, do your best and rub,

rub, rub those colors together.

When she reached Adrian, she lifted her hand to touch her

shoulder but then stopped awkwardly and crossed her arms over her

chest. “How’s it going over here, ladies?” Her smile was broad but it

seemed almost forced.

“Good,” Tamara said, returning the smile.

• 156 •

Chasing Love

Morresay studied their items from home and nodded her approval.

Adrian could feel her energy as she stood next to her. A silence fell over

the table as Tamara and the others started in on their drawings. When

Adrian didn’t speak or look up at her, Morresay finally spoke.

“How are you, Adrian?”

Adrian angled her head and caught sight of her face. She looked

different. Guarded. And almost…sad.

“I’m fine, thanks.”

There was another brief silence and Adrian chose to study her

cherub rather than look into Morresay’s eyes. She was afraid she could

see right through her. That her attraction and mixed emotions would be

more than obvious.

“Okay, well, I’m glad you’re all right. Let me know if you need

anything.”

She left her before Adrian could respond, leaving behind a cool

whoosh of her chai scent. Adrian was both relieved and disappointed.

She propped her elbow on the table and rested her cheek in her hand.

God, she just wanted to run. She didn’t want to deal with any of

it. Not the art and the way it peeled back her layers, not Joanne and her

pushiness, and definitely not Morresay and her kind and stirring ways.

She could do it. She could bolt. But Tamara would chase her. Guilt

would chase her. For whatever reason, she didn’t want to hurt or offend

Morresay.

Upset at her rising tide of emotions, she slid over her piece of

thick paper and plucked out a piece of pastel chalk.

Fuck it. Just fuck it all. She was going to draw.

She started in with a light pink and created the plump face and

body, shading in quickly and forcefully. Then she chucked the pink

chalk and grabbed the orange. She was going to have to create her own

color of skin tone.

“What’s wrong with you?” Tamara asked long and slow, placing

the pink chalk back in its slot carefully as if Adrian had abused it.

“Nothing.” She didn’t want to talk about it. She wasn’t in the

mood for Tamara’s opinions.

“It’s Joanne, isn’t it? Don’t let her ruin this for you. No

woman—”

“Just stop, okay?” She didn’t look up at her, but Tamara paused

• 157 •

RoniCa BLaCk

at her tone. “I’m fine.” She kept coloring in with the orange and then

dropped it to smear it all together with her fingertips. The colors blended

nicely, but she needed a bit of white for the reflection of light. She dug

with her dirty fingers and picked out the white. Tamara was watching

her and she let her. Adrian didn’t say a word. Neither did Tamara.

Eventually, Tamara got to work on the photo she’d brought from home

and Adrian was grateful. She needed to get lost in her own work.

They concentrated and drew in silence for the next hour. Adrian

was immersed in her cherub, so intense she felt like she was in the

image itself, spreading out the colors, rubbing hard here, blending

lightly there. She could hear her nieces laughing, recall the way their

eyes danced when they gave her the cherub. They had painted it

themselves, and its wings were multicolored and in stark contrast to

the peach skin. Tamara and the woman next to them made small talk

and Adrian mumbled one-word replies from time to time, blocking out

most of the conversation.

“Tell me about this, Adrian,” Morresay said softly, startling her.

Her slender fingers gently touched the page and she was so close Adrian

could feel the gentle brush of her blouse as she breathed.

Adrian cleared her throat as her body rushed with heat.

“It’s a cherub.”

“It means something to you, doesn’t it?” Her eyes met Adrian’s.

Adrian again caught the scent of chai, and it brought images along with

it. She saw an old-fashioned room with a high-backed chair next to

a roaring fireplace. Thick candles were lit on the mantel. Soft music

came from a source unknown. She imagined standing there by the fire,

holding her. Holding on for dear life, Morresay a tether in a blinding

storm, a buoy on a raging sea. The embrace would last forever and

never waver.

Adrian trembled as the thought passed through her.

Morresay seemed to notice and her hand moved from the page

to Adrian’s shoulder. Its warmth and strength only encouraged her

longing and she suddenly thought of her mother, knowing the person in

the old-fashioned room could never be her. She’d accepted that a long

time ago. The hurricane was hers to bob in alone.

“Adrian?” Morresay whispered. For an instant she looked

concerned, like Adrian had broken down again.

• 158 •

Chasing Love

“My nieces made it for me,” she said, eager to get control of herself.

She shifted a little, her body nearly raging with heat at Morresay’s close

proximity. She thought about the fire she always craved and how this

felt different. This was all consuming, uncontrollable, and…effortless.

“You made a great choice.” She dropped her hand and slowly

moved toward Tamara. Adrian could sense her disappointment, could

feel her sadness. Was it because of her? She had been distant in class

lately. Uneager to talk or engage with her. But why would Morresay

care?

Adrian watched as she spoke to Tamara, who was busy drawing a

boat on the water from the photo she’d found in a magazine. Morresay

gave her praise and encouraged her to relax some more and use more

color. The drawing didn’t have to be perfect. It could look however

Tamara wanted it to. Adrian thought it looked pretty good. Very

Monet.

Tamara visibly softened at Morresay’s praise and Adrian found

herself moved by Morresay’s sincerity. She even asked Tamara to stay

after class so she could help her. Tamara agreed, much to Adrian’s

dismay, and Morresay walked away to speak to some other students

and officially end class.

“You ready?” Adrian asked Tamara, hoping she would change her

mind.

“You in a hurry?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“I’m just ready to get out of here is all.”

“It’s not because of Joanne?”

“No. Believe me, she’s the last thing I want to deal with right

now.”

“So stick around.”

“Can’t.”

She quickly returned Tamara’s pastels and left her drawing next

to Tamara’s. She retrieved her coat and cherub and fished out her car

keys.

Her hands were dry and chalky but she didn’t want to take the time

to wash them. Morresay was already heading back to their table.

“I’ll see you later.” She shoved her arms into her coat and darted

• 159 •

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from the room, rushing by a surprised-looking Morresay, who she heard

call after her. But she didn’t look back, didn’t dare look back.

She’d stayed and done the assignment. Her obligation was taken

care of. Anything else would have to wait. She hurried to her car,

sucking in big gulps of cold air as she did so. She powered up her phone

and saw that she had several new texts. All of them were from Joanne,

telling her not to come over.

“Shit. I have to end it.” The decision just flowed right out of her

mouth, as calm and as natural as an exhale of air. The class, as always,

had cleared her mind a bit, despite all the brimming feelings.

She climbed in behind the wheel and called her but there was no

answer. She had to go over there. She had to do this tonight and do it

right. She drove in silence thinking about what she was going to say.

She felt she was doing the right thing by talking to Joanne face-to-

face. Besides, Joanne was already pissed. A “get lost” phone call would

probably only add to the fury.

A slight drizzle welcomed her as she turned onto Joanne’s street.

She eased up in front of her house and saw light illuminated in the

front window. After closing her door softly, she hurried up to the gate,

opened it, and crossed the path to the front porch. She nearly kicked

over the gnome next to the post.

“Sorry.”

If he had thoughts, like Joanne believed, he was probably cursing

her out.

She held up her hand to knock but stopped when she saw movement

in the long window next to the door. She leaned over for a better look

and saw Joanne on her hands and knees bare ass naked, body swaying

madly. Her black heels were pushing back on the carpet and soon she

was backing up and Adrian could see that she was scrubbing the edge

on the kitchen floor.

Fearing she’d be seen, Adrian stood and put her back against the

door. Her pulse raced and suddenly she remembered that this was the

day for floors. Seven o’ clock. This was why she’d wanted to have

dinner right after work.

Adrian stood still trying to slow her heart rate. She felt like a

peeping tom. Joanne should really hang curtains or wear clothes.

Fuck.

At a loss, she leaned over again and sneaked a peek. Would she be

• 160 •

Chasing Love

finished? Would it be okay to knock? Suddenly there was a loud thump

and a click and the door was pulled open. Adrian stumbled, trying to

back away from the window.

Joanne stood there naked in her high heels, anger set like stone on

her face. Sweat coated her neck and her long hair clung to it.

“What are you, some kind of pervert?” she said.

“What, no! I came—” Adrian stepped away and into the drizzle.

“I told you not to come.” Her eyes had that dead look again.

Whatever lay dormant inside her had settled into her bones now and

soon it would overtake her completely.

“We need to talk,” Adrian said.

“No, we don’t.”

“I’m sorry about dinner. I told you—”

“Dinner is over. And so are we.”

Adrian opened her mouth. “We are?” She blinked in surprise.

“Yes. Now get the fuck off my lawn.”

“I—” She backpedaled and tripped over something. A gnome. She

struggled to get to her feet. Joanne’s eyes went wide and she came out

after her, tits swaying, heels clacking. Adrian thought about fighting

back. Thought about standing up and squaring off with her. She’d

done it with Louis more times than she could count. But Joanne was

crazed, with the dark eyes of a wild animal, angry enough for the both

of them.

“I said get the fuck out of here!” She reached her just as Adrian

gained her footing and Joanne shoved her, sending her back down on

the slick lawn. “You fucking pervert!”

Adrian scrambled to her feet again and ran to her car. The bitch

was insane and still coming after her. Her hands shook as she fumbled

with the remote to unlock the door. Joanne kept coming, throwing

fistfuls of dead grass.

“Go away! I hate you! I hate you!”

Adrian yanked her door closed and started the car. Then she took

off with squealing tires, leaving a nude and screaming Joanne in the

street behind her.

“Holy shit,” she breathed. “Holy, holy shit.” She wound her way

out of the neighborhood and turned toward home. It was over. Joanne

was gone. She breathed deep and leaned back to relax.

What a night. She needed noise, distraction, anything.

• 161 •

She switched on the radio and listened as the wipers kept tune

with the beat.

For the first time in days, she felt all right.

• 162 •

Chasing Love

ChapteR seventeen

There’s a rumor going around about you,” Tamara said as they

entered the Student Union.

“Oh yeah?”

“Apparently, Joanne caught you peeping in on her while she was

naked.”

Adrian nodded, amused. “Is that so?”

“It sure is. She’s telling everyone you’re a pervert who liked to

secretly stare at her in the buff.”

Adrian hadn’t heard from Joanne after the nude/yard/gnome

incident and she’d been grateful. She would’ve had no idea what to say

to her even if she had called.

“Guilty as charged, I guess.”

Tamara led them to a nearby table. “That’s what I figured.”

“Thanks. I’m glad I could be of entertainment.” She headed for

the food court, leaving Tamara to save their table. She couldn’t have

cared less about the rumors, and that surprised her. But the past few

days had been long and filled with a persistent mental anguish. She

didn’t know where it was coming from inside and she just wanted it to

stop. It was like a faucet had been turned on within and the water just

kept coming and coming.

“Excuse me,” a young woman said as they accidently bumped

while getting in line.

“No problem.”

“Hi,” she said, meeting Adrian’s gaze. Adrian recognized her as

the woman she’d seen around the Union before.

“Hi.”

• 163 •

RoniCa BLaCk

And she was still cute. With jeans, Doc Martens dark boots, and

a thigh length leather jacket. Her hair was short and curly with blond

tips. Her skin was dark and smooth with a moist sheen, like she’d used

lotion frequently and recently. She didn’t look as young as most of the

other students. Adrian guessed she was in her late twenties.

“Nice day, isn’t it?” She turned more toward Adrian, her posture

open and friendly.

“I was just thinking the same thing.” Minus the thoughts of Joanne,

it was a nice day.

“Really? You looked sort of pissed off.” Her lips eased into a smile

to show she was either teasing or she was trying to cheer her up. “I’m

Penny.” She offered her hand.

“Adrian.” Her hand was a bit rough but firm.

“You have class soon?”

“No, just got out.”

“Hanging with the girl I saw you with?”

“Yes.” She was quite a bit shorter than Adrian with a slight build.

Adrian wondered how light she was. How easy it would be to pick her

up—

“Oh. Well, tell her I said hi. And—” She dug in her jacket and

retrieved a business card. “Call me sometime. If you should need

anything or you just want to talk. Going for a drink might be nice

too.”

Adrian gave the card a glance. Saw her name and business address

along with three different phone numbers.

She smiled fully this time, showing perfect teeth. “I’m into

numbers,” she said.

They moved forward in line and while Adrian grabbed two bagels

and some juice, Penny only grabbed a Coke.

“So you’re a student?” Adrian asked.

They paid the cashier. First Penny, then Adrian.

“You could say that,” she said and touched Adrian’s arm. “I’m

taking some additional courses I’m interested in.” They were standing

by the tables and Adrian could see Tamara waving her over. Penny saw

her too and waved herself. Then she gave Adrian one last smile.

“Have a nice day, Adrian.”

She left her and walked toward the main doors, pushing through

out into the sunshine.

• 164 •

Chasing Love

That old familiar part of her began to race with excitement but she

swallowed it down for Tamara.

“Who was that?” Tamara asked, taking her juice and bagel.

“Penny. She’s a student.”

Adrian sat and studied her business card.

“Oh really?”

Adrian slid the card in her back pocket. “Mmm-hmm. And don’t

worry. I won’t call her.” Yet.

“Don’t even say it, Adrian. It’s not me you’re bullshitting. It’s

yourself.”

“I’m not bullshitting.”

“Yes, you are. But I don’t want to talk about that.”

“Okay.” They both bit into their bagels.

Then, after several quiet moments, Tamara said, “Harriet’s moving

in.”

Adrian knew she heard right but she couldn’t believe it. She

lowered her bagel and stared at her. “It’s too soon.”

“It’s been nine months.”

“That’s too soon.”

“Says who?”

“Says, I don’t know, some rule book or something. You should

wait at least a year.”

“She’s moving in. Tomorrow. Think you can help?”

“I don’t know.” She felt sick all of a sudden. Like she was losing

her best friend. She gripped the table and felt the world fall away

beneath her. What the fuck was happening?

“What? You have plans or something?”

“Maybe.”

Tamara sighed. “Fine. Come help if you can.”

“Well you’re kind of springing this on me. Giving me a damn

day’s notice.”

Tamara pushed away her food and folded her hands. She looked

solemn. “Because I knew you’d be upset.”

“I’m not upset.”

“Yes, you are.”

“I’m not upset for me. I’m upset for you. It’s too soon.”

They finished the meal in silence with Tamara staring out the

windows while she sipped her juice. Adrian had also pushed away her

• 165 •

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food, unable to think about anything but Harriet. Her things would now

be all over Tamara’s place. And she’d be there from here on out when

Adrian stopped by. She and Tamara would do everything together now

and Adrian would never be able to enjoy time alone with her best friend.

She wouldn’t even be able to talk to her on the phone without Harriet

muttering in the background and catching every other word.

Damn it.

They didn’t speak on the way out to the parking lot, just walked

quietly with Tamara slightly in front of her.

“I thought you liked her,” she finally said as they reached her car.

“I do. I just think—” But she caught sight of Morresay and decided

to stop. She was heading their way, waving.

“Great.” Adrian took a step back. She’d again tried to avoid her

during class but it was starting to become noticeably rude. She looked

at Tamara and felt doubly asinine. But she couldn’t help it. Tamara was

everything to her. Sighing, she kicked an imaginary pebble and said,

“What time tomorrow?”

Tamara opened her door and glanced up at her with hope in her

eyes. “We’re starting at eight.”

Adrian mulled it over some more. Morresay was approaching

quickly. “I’ll be there.”

Tamara wrapped an arm around her and squeezed. “I love you.”

“Yeah, yeah. I love you too.” But she still felt sick. Worse than sick.

She felt numb and lost. Bobbing all alone on that stormy sea again.

“I’m glad I caught you,” Morresay said breathlessly as she reached

them. She swung her book bag back over her shoulder and smiled. Her

whole being seemed to sparkle in the sunlight.

“Adrian, I was wondering if you would be interested in attending

a life art class I’m helping out with?”

“You should, A. You’re good.” Tamara and Morresay both were

watching her, waiting.

Did she have to ask right now? When her entire universe was

beginning to collapse upon itself. “I don’t think so.”

Morresay’s face fell but she tried to recover quickly. “Oh. Okay.”

“Adrian,” Tamara started, looking at her like she was a rude child.

“You should—”

“I can’t,” she said quickly. “But thanks for the offer.” She turned

and searched for her car.

• 166 •

Chasing Love

“Adrian!” Tamara was calling after her, but Adrian felt no need or

responsibility to answer. Tamara was gone now. Slowly disappearing

beyond the horizon. And all Adrian wanted to do was curl up in a ball

and disappear herself.

She drove home with the window down, inhaling the cold air,

letting it fill her soul and wishing it would freeze it for good. But the

hurt was still there. The loss still a continuous slap in the face. She

wanted to cry but couldn’t. She wanted to shout and yell and scream,

but her chest was hollow and her throat useless. When she got home

she ran straight to the phone and dialed a number she hadn’t dialed in

a long while. She needed to hear her voice even though she knew it

would only sprinkle on the fire of her emotions rather than soak them

completely.

When the female voice answered, Adrian said, “Hi, Mom. Can I

come to dinner sometime soon?”

• 167 •

• 168 •

Chasing Love

ChapteR eighteen

Adrian sat in her car for a while trying to regain her bearings

before finally heading up the walkway to knock on Tamara’s

door. Even though she’d been out all night, trying not to think about it,

moving day had arrived nonetheless.

Harriet answered wearing a gray sweatshirt and a pair of paint-

splattered old jeans. She looked cute in her eyeglasses. Still, it sent a

jolt of weirdness through Adrian to see her there, knowing she would

be there from here on out.

“Hi, Adrian.” Her friendly gaze skimmed her and then fell with

concern. “Are you okay? You look like—”

“Death warmed over. I know.”

“I was going to say you looked like you just got the shock of your

life.”

Adrian laughed, short and clipped. “You’re not far off.” I can’t

believe this is happening.

“Come in, come in.” She waved her inside and closed the door. She

called for Tamara, who appeared at once, hair pushed back in a tight

ponytail. She immediately checked out Adrian and saw her apparently

shocked look and then put on an uneasy smile. She stared at Adrian

curiously, probably wanting details, wondering what in the hell she’d

gotten into.

“Thanks for coming,” Harriet said, breaking the long silence.

“Have you eaten?”

“No, but I’m not hungry, thanks.”

Harriet looked at Tamara as if she didn’t know what to say. Then

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she excused herself, claiming she was going to go work on unpacking

boxes in the study.

Tamara watched her go and then raised an eyebrow at Adrian.

“What’s with you? Did you run over somebody or something?”

She shook her head. “No, I just had a bad night.”

“Don’t even tell me you went out with someone.”

“Okay, I won’t.” She moved toward the kitchen. She’d gone out to

drink at Core, unable to deal with all the thoughts running through her

head. But Core had almost been worse than staying home. There was

the laughter, the same old songs, the new couples making out in the

corners. Alcohol had seemed to be the only thing that had helped her

remain. And she’d had a little too much of that.

“Got any Coke? I feel like shit.”

“You look like it.”

“Thanks.”

“My pleasure.” She fished a red can from the fridge and tossed it

to her. “So who is she?”

Adrian popped the top and slurped with greed. She hadn’t realized

how thirsty she was.

“No one.”

“Uh-huh.”

She collapsed into a kitchen chair.

“There wasn’t anyone special.” There hadn’t been. Just a lanky

tomboy she’d danced with for a little while. She couldn’t even remember

her name. Nor did she want to. Not after she saw her snorting something

off the back of her hand in the bathroom.

Tamara waited for more, but Adrian had nothing more to say.

Sighing, she pulled on some winter gloves and slipped into her red

jacket. She opened the front door. “Let’s talk while we work.”

Adrian followed and they stood on the freshly shoveled driveway.

As if on cue, a black Chevy truck eased by, slowed, and backed in. The

bed was full of boxes held secure with bungee cords.

“Who’s this?” Adrian asked.

“Harriet’s brother Henry.”

A stout man with a plaid hunter’s cap emerged from the truck.

Adrian could see through the small gaps of the hat flaps that he also

had red hair.

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Chasing Love

“How are ya?” He removed a glove to pump her hand vigorously.

“Henry.” Freckles seemed to dance along his face.

“I’m Adrian.”

“Nice to know ya, Adrian.” He pushed on his eyeglasses in a

manner that suggested he did it often. “Any friend of my sister’s is a

friend of mine.” His smile was a lot like Harriet’s. It reached his eyes

and she knew he was sincere.

“Have you guys already gotten started?” Adrian asked as Henry

lowered the tailgate.

“We finished packing last night, so Henry said he’d start with the

boxes this morning.”

“We got about three more loads of these,” he said releasing the

cords to heave a box. “Then it’s the furniture.”

Adrian hefted a big one and followed Tamara. They set them down

in the garage where Henry said he’d begin to organize and carry them

to the appropriate room inside.

“So do you like her?” Tamara asked as they returned to the truck.

“Who?”

“Whoever you met last night.”

“I told you there was no one special.”

“But you did go out?”

“Yes.”

“Where to?”

“Core.”

Adrian quickly slid out another box, avoiding her penetrating

gaze. She took it to where the others sat. Harriet was there, too, helping

her brother carry them inside. She gave Adrian a polite smile, and when

Tamara joined them with another box Adrian suddenly wished she’d

stayed home.

“How are things out here?” Harriet asked. There was a knowing

silence. Everyone could feel the tension.

“Fine,” Tamara finally said.

Harriet nodded but didn’t say anything more. She seemed to know

what Tamara was implying.

“I should’ve stayed home.” Adrian walked back to the truck.

Tamara shifted another box forward. “Don’t be ridiculous. You’re

welcome here. You know that.”

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“I don’t feel so welcome at the moment.”

“Why’s that?”

“I feel judged.”

“Really? Can’t imagine why.”

Adrian felt her chest tighten as she followed her with a smaller

box. “Honestly, T I can’t handle any more at the moment. I feel sick

enough as it is.”

“Well, you can’t ignore it.”

“Ignore what?”

“Your behavior. The way you run from yourself, always looking

and needing a woman.”

Adrian set the box down and sighed. “I’m not.”

“Okay,” Henry said, emerging from the house. “I’m ready to get

these boxes inside.” He began piling them according to the labels. “Then

it’s off to make another run. Who wants to help?” He was smiling that

friendly smile again.

Adrian held up her hand, eager to get away for a while. “I will.”

Tamara patted her on the shoulder and headed inside. “We’ll talk

later.”

Adrian dreaded that and considered bailing so she wouldn’t have

to come back at all. But she couldn’t do that. Maybe she’d be too

tired later to care. She shrugged and followed Henry to his truck and

whispered in response to Tamara’s last statement, “I was afraid you

were going to say that.”

• 172 •

Chasing Love

ChapteR nineteen

Ihad hoped to have you over for more of a formal dinner,” Harriet

said, easing onto a kitchen chair, a paper plate in her hands.

Tamara passed her a slice of pizza.

“That’s okay. This is just fine,” Adrian said and then took a bite.

It was after six and she was exhausted. She could barely keep her eyes

open enough to eat. They’d worked for hours, first unloading the boxes,

then moving furniture, then unpacking the boxes.

“You look beat,” Tamara said.

“I am.”

“Are you okay?” Henry asked. The steam from his pizza fogged

up his glasses.

“I think so.”

Tamara stared at her, knowing there was more.

“But to be honest, I don’t really care how I am at the moment.”

Henry coughed but Adrian was too tired to worry about manners

and speaking frankly in front of him.

“What do you mean?” Harriet asked softly.

“I just don’t care. I’m too tired, too fed up.”

“What happened?” Henry asked.

“Nothing. Just had a little too much to drink is all.”

“You should’ve stayed at home,” Tamara said.

They grew quiet again. Adrian stiffened. Then, after seeing the

hard glint in Tamara’s eyes, she pushed her plate aside and rested her

head in her arms. “I give up.”

“Finally!” Tamara said. “From your lips to God’s ears. I never

thought I’d hear you say it.”

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“You’re funny,” Adrian said with her eyes narrowed. She didn’t

need this. Especially not right now.

“And you’re not. You’re so self-righteous.” Tamara licked her

lips in anger. “You know what the definition of insanity is, Adrian?

It’s doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different

outcome.”

“So now I’m insane. Lovely.”

Harriet cleared her throat, obviously uncomfortable. She patted

Tamara’s hand as if encouraging her to lay off.

“Insane doesn’t even come close. You’re on the highway to hell,

Adrian, and you’ve got to stop.”

“How about a little credit?” Adrian said, voice raised. “I didn’t

sleep with anyone, I didn’t ask anyone to come over. In fact, I walked

away when I saw her snorting something in the bathroom.”

A heavy silence fell over them and Adrian cursed herself for

saying too much.

“So there was someone?” Tamara asked in a low tone.

“No. I just danced with her. That was it.”

“You shouldn’t have been out in the first place. Much less danced

with some stranger. Some druggie. You know how I feel about that. A

little weed on occasion, yes. But anything else is dangerous territory.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not you.”

“No, you’re not. And it’s plainly obvious. But what it really boils

down to, Adrian, is that you just don’t care about you. You even said it

yourself.”

Adrian shoved away from the table and stood. “I’m going to go.

I’m beat and I don’t need this shit.”

“It was nice to meet you, Adrian,” Henry said, rising along with

her, like a true gentleman.

“Likewise. Harriet, thanks for dinner.”

“We’ll see you again soon. For a real dinner,” she said with a

smile.

Adrian nodded. “Sure.” She left without another word and crawled

in behind the wheel of her car. She peeled away in anger humming

“Highway to Hell.”

v

• 174 •

Chasing Love

Monday was slow and dreary. Adrian felt like she was moving

in slow motion, edging through waist-high sludge, caught in one of

those bad dreams where you knew you needed to move but couldn’t.

She downed numerous Diet Pepsis, hoping for a caffeine kick, but not

much happened.

She was fed up with her life. Fed up with her mundane job and

her lonely, unappealing existence. Why couldn’t she find someone like

Harriet? Why couldn’t she settle down in a nice little house and cuddle

up every Wednesday night to watch Jade or The Last Seduction?

She stood from the couch and stepped into her shoes. It was early

evening and most of the damn day was gone and she had nothing to

show for it. Nothing but eight hours given over to Uncle Jake. Her

laptop called to her from the table but she didn’t budge. A woman would

take her mind off things, yes. But the hunt wasn’t what she needed or

wanted. Not today. She wanted something—she couldn’t think of the

right words. Frustrated, she ran her hands through her hair and grabbed

her car keys. After locking the door behind her, she climbed in her car

and took off.

Forty minutes later she was sitting in front of her mother’s

house, unsure how she’d even got there. She stared at the old but well-

maintained mailbox, at the snow-covered lawn, at the neatly cleared

driveway. The Oldsmobile was in the open garage.

What am I doing here?

But she knew she needed to face the demon head-on. It was beating

beneath her skin and churning in her belly, demanding she do so. She

crawled from her car and walked slowly to the front door. She imagined

little voices coming from behind the shrubs.

“Don’t go in. You know you shouldn’t. Go back home.”

But she kept on. Her intent driving her. She knocked hard and fast

and heard Louis call out for her mother. The door opened a tiny bit and

she saw an eye that resembled hers.

“Adrian.” The door opened farther, revealing her future image.

Her mother rubbed her hands on a dish towel and backed up to let

her in. She was wearing pressed brown pants and a caramel-colored

sweater over a blouse. The top few buttons of the blouse resembled

pearls. Her face was made up nicely but lightly, her lipstick long worn

off. The wrinkles around her eyes creased as she smiled.

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RoniCa BLaCk

“I wasn’t expecting you so soon,” she said as she hugged her

quickly. They were standing in the kitchen, the setting sunlight coming

in through the large window over the sink. The old yellow linoleum

floor was clean and homey. Cozy.

“I know. I’m sorry for not calling.”

“Who is it? Who’s there?” Louis boomed from the living room.

Adrian shrugged out of her coat and hung it in the small sitting

room off the kitchen.

“It’s Adrian,” her mother called back.

“Adrian?”

They heard the recliner buckle and groan. Soon he was in the

doorway.

“Well, well, well.” His mud colored eyes twinkled in the kitchen

light. He clicked his tongue as he stared her down. His trademark “son

of a bitch” sound. “Look at what crawled out from a hole to come see

its mother.”

“Oh, stop it.”

“Shut up, Marge. I’m talking to Adrian.”

“It has been a while,” Adrian said.

“I’ll say. All she ever does is yap about you. Adrian this and Adrian

that.”

“Why don’t you go watch the football game and I’ll start dinner?”

her mother asked. “How does chili sound? Or vegetable soup?”

Louis didn’t look away from Adrian nor she him. Amusement

passed over his face as if he could tell something was different in her

today.

“Why don’t you ask your dear beloved daughter what she would

like to have?”

“Adrian?” Her voice had gone up in pitch. Her trademark “I’ve

got to keep the peace” sound.

“Whatever is easiest for you, Mom.”

At this Louis cackled, throwing his bald head back, showing his

yellowing teeth. His massive chest shook under his Chicago Bears

sweatshirt.

“Whatever is easiest on you, Mommy,” he mimicked. Then he

turned and walked back into the living room.

Her mother let out a long sigh and smiled. “Vegetables sound

good, don’t they?”

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Chasing Love

Adrian nodded and sat at the kitchen table. Commercials played

loudly from the living room.

“I’m sorry it’s been so long, Mom.”

Her mother turned from the freezer, frozen bag of vegetables in

her hand. “Oh, that’s okay, honey. We understand. You have your own

life.”

“Do you need any help?”

“No, no. You just sit right there.” Her mother loved to cook and

insisted on always doing it herself. Adrian supposed it gave her peace

of mind to have total control over something.

“How have you been?” her mother asked. “Have you found that

special girl yet?”

Her mother had always been very accepting and supportive of

her lifestyle, which had always surprised her. Even Tamara’s folks still

struggled with her sexuality.

“Not yet.”

“Well, why not?” She smiled. “No nice girls?”

“It doesn’t seem like it.”

“Oh, there has to be some somewhere. Maybe you’re not looking

in the right place.”

“You sound like Tamara.” She’d done nothing but mull over her

words ever since she’d left her house. They just kept replaying over and

over. Insanity. Insanity. Was she insane? Yes, maybe she was. Why else

would she be sitting here in the lion’s den?

Her mother cut open the vegetable bag after putting a large pot on

the stove.

“How is Tamara?”

“She’s just fine and dandy.” She was surprised to hear one of

Louis’s phrases come from her mouth. All smart-ass and sarcasm.

Maybe he always felt this angry and lost. Maybe she’d never really

understood him at all. “Her girlfriend just moved in.”

“I never understood why you two didn’t ever get involved.”

“Ha! Right. I don’t think so. We’re too different, that’s why.”

Louis walked back in, scratching the seat of his sweatpants. “She’s

colored. That’s why. Adrian doesn’t want no colored girl.”

Adrian clenched her jaw just as she’d done for years, every single

time he made a comment about Tamara’s race. Keep talking, old man.

Keep talking.

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RoniCa BLaCk

“Louis, hush.”

“What?” He opened the fridge and fished out a near beer and

cracked it open. He slurped loudly.

Louis wasn’t a drunk. He used to be, back when Adrian was young.

Those had been the good times.

Now Louis was sober and had been for years. And he was a mean

sober.

“Don’t tell me what to do,” he said, wiping his chin. “I’m talking

to Adrian.” He sauntered over to her. “So how’s work?”

“The same.”

“Jake hasn’t wised up and fired your lazy ass?” He laughed,

amused at himself. “He always was a stupid son of a bitch.”

“He’s your friend,” she said quickly.

He cackled again.

“I think he’s rubbing off on you. You’re getting a smart mouth.”

“Louis, I think your game’s back on,” her mother said, pouring in

the vegetables.

He stared at Adrian some more, made a clicking sound, and walked

away.

“I see things haven’t changed much,” Adrian said. This was

exactly why she’d come. To feel alive again. To feel that gut-tightening,

stomach-churning, blood-beating feeling of hate again.

“Oh, he’s just tired. Work’s been hard this year.”

“It’s hard every year.”

“Well, it must be harder this year.” She dropped a cube of vegetable

flavoring into the pot and got busy dicing potatoes and onions. “You

know it’s not easy for a man this day and age. Jobs are scarce and the

ones available are physically demanding, and they don’t pay like they

used to.”

“It’s the same for everyone.”

“Men especially. And you know, they don’t get to come home and

whine and have the wife just go out and work. They have to do it. They

don’t get to cry about it.”

Adrian rubbed her temples. “I take it you still aren’t working?”

Her mother hadn’t had a job since Louis’s first day of sobriety. He

wouldn’t allow it.

“I’ve got work to do around here.”

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Chasing Love

“If times are so tough, you could go back to work at the library

and help out financially.”

“No, no.” She looked quickly toward the living room. “I’m fine

here.”

“I’m just saying, Mom.”

“I know, honey. We’re fine. Work is just hard on Louis.”

Adrian swallowed, knowing what she must ask. She had to ask it

each visit. “He’s not hitting you, is he?”

“Don’t start that again,” she said, scooting the onions off the

cutting board and into the pot with the knife.

“I have to make sure.”

“You know it makes me very uncomfortable.”

“I know, Mom, but I have to be sure. With his temper—”

“If he does it’s our business, not yours or anyone else’s.”

“So you’re saying he does.”

“I’m saying no such thing.”

“Then what are you saying? He pushes you? Shoves you around

like he used to?”

“Adrian.”

“I need to know, Mom.”

“Why?”

“So I can—”

“So you can what? There’s nothing you can do.”

“I could kick his ass.” Oh yes, please. How she wanted to. Now

more than ever.

Her mother looked quickly again to the living room. She hurried

over to her and sat. She wrung her tired-looking hands.

“You always do this. I don’t know why you even come. You know

I’m just going to ask you to leave.”

“Which is why I don’t come!”

“Adrian, my darling girl, just stop this, okay? I’m married to Louis

and this is our life. You must not come in here and rile things up. It isn’t

healthy.”

Adrian scoffed. “You don’t have to live like this, Mom.”

“I want to.”

“No, you don’t.”

“He doesn’t hit me.”

• 179 •

RoniCa BLaCk

“He’s mean.”

“He’s stressed. And frankly, do you know how hard it is for him

not to drink? He battles that addiction every day. Every day.” She

tapped the table with her index finger to emphasize her point. “I think

he deserves some credit for that.”

“He shouldn’t be drinking near beer. That only adds to his

frustration, I’m sure.”

Her mother sighed. “Why won’t you give him a break, Adrian?”

“Honestly, Mom? I don’t know. I mean, I think I know, but I’m

not sure.”

Her mother looked uncomfortable and rose to stir the soup.

“There’s the fact that he’s mean, yes. But it’s more than that. It’s

the control, the violence, the lying.”

“The lying.” She chuckled. “Louis doesn’t lie.”

“Okay, Mom.”

Her mother shook her head and tapped the wooden spoon on the

pot. “Let’s stop this, Adrian. I never get to see you. Can’t we enjoy a

nice dinner?”

Adrian knew she could stop but she knew Louis wouldn’t be able

to. So she nodded, made her mother smile, and sat biding her time. Her

mother spoke of family and friends and what she wanted to do to her

garden come spring. The kitchen came alive with smells of the cooking

soup as the sun began to dip in front of the house.

Soon Adrian rose to wash her hands. She went down the hall into

the bathroom she used to share with her sister. Each time she visited her

mother she marveled at how small the rooms now seemed. She paused

in the doorway as the memories came. She shook them away, they were

too powerful. She stared at her reflection for a long while as she ran

her hands under the running faucet. She wasn’t the same kid, the same

Adrian. But somehow the words didn’t resonate. She didn’t feel totally

in control. She didn’t feel grown and safe and secure. She turned off

the water and dried her hands on her jeans as she continued down the

hall to her old bedroom. Her mother had kept her twin bed and small

chest of drawers. But she’d added a table and a chair where she sat at

her sewing machine. A quilt Adrian had never seen before hung on the

wall. The blue carpet was the same, just a little more worn, and she

wondered if it still smelled the same. How many times had she hidden

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Chasing Love

under her bed and cried, burying her face in the carpet so her mother

wouldn’t hear? How many times had she held her breath and stifled her

cries as her mother came looking for her?

She closed her eyes. It was okay to cry now. She didn’t have to

worry about her mother’s feelings. But she wouldn’t allow herself. She

still felt like she had to be strong. Had to be tough. It had nothing to do

with being in her mother’s house.

She left the room slowly, heading back to the kitchen. The three

of them scooted in at the small table and passed a loaf of French bread

around. Adrian tore herself off a piece and dunked it in her soup. Louis

was watching her, eyeing the bread as she brought it to her mouth. He

wouldn’t say anything about it. He hadn’t since she moved out. But she

knew he was thinking about it. Could see it in the cool but callous way

he stared at her as she ate. Her mother, as usual, beamed at them both,

obviously pleased to have them there together.

Louis chewed loudly and spoke before his mouth was completely

empty. “So how you been, Adrian? You afraid to bring your lady friends

around?” He chewed heartily on some more bread.

“Haven’t had anyone to bring,” she replied.

“That’s a shame. You know your mother and I don’t have any

problems with that.”

“I know that, Louis, and I’m grateful. Truly.”

He nodded and stirred his soup with his spoon.

“Old man Lewinski down at work, he bitches all the time about

his faggoty son. Drives me bananas. I’m always telling him, you gotta

live and let live. If your boy wants to take it up the chute that’s his

business. Just be glad it ain’t you.”

Adrian forced herself to swallow. Her mother was watching her,

her brow furrowed with concern.

“Louis, maybe we shouldn’t talk about that at the dinner table.”

“Why the hell not? Adrian’s a dyke. She doesn’t have a problem

with being a dyke, do you, Adrian?”

“No, Louis, I don’t.”

“See? We should be able to talk about it.”

“Adrian, tell us about you. What are you doing for fun these

days?”

“Maybe she’s quilting,” Louis said, slurping more soup. “Like her

• 181 •

RoniCa BLaCk

mother. I swear to God that’s all she does all damn day long. We got

quilts up the ying yang, hanging in the bedroom, hanging in the office.

She even hung one in your old room. Ugly as sin too.”

Her mother ate quietly, staring at her bowl. Adrian felt the

thrumming within grow stronger.

“Guess that’s why she has to hang ’em. They’re too ugly to sell

or give away.”

“Will you make me one, Mom?” Adrian asked, shushing Louis.

“Of course.”

He laughed. “Go ahead. Act like I’m not here.”

“We’re not acting like you’re not here,” her mother said softly.

“Go ahead, I don’t care. You’re both useless. Good for nothing.”

“Louis,” her mother said.

He drank from his can, eyes trained on her. When he lowered it he

began to make his clicking noise.

Adrian saw her mother physically harden at the noise. She was

grounding herself, ready for an assault.

“You make her an ugly-ass quilt for her to hang in her ugly-ass

apartment. I’m sure an ugly quilt will bring the dykes running right

in.”

“Adrian, you never did tell us what it is you’re doing for fun.”

“Because she doesn’t want to.”

“I’m taking an art class.”

Her mother brightened. “That’s wonderful.”

Louis scoffed. “Figures.”

“Sorry?” Adrian said, looking at him.

“I said it figures. All that artsy shit is for queers.”

“I am queer, Louis.”

“I know.”

“I thought you didn’t have a problem with it.”

“I don’t. You are what you are. Your mother coddled you, couldn’t

take you off her tit, and now you’re queer. Queers do the artsy shit.”

Adrian stared at him and smiled. This was what she came for. This

abuse. It had been a while, a long while. And she had started to feel

dead inside.

“It’s really neat,” she said. “You would like it, Mom.”

“Like hell. Don’t even say it. She’s not taking no art class.”

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“Why not?”

“Adrian, Louis is right. I have plenty to do here.”

“I ain’t having her down there with a bunch of queers. Bunch of

hippie dykes—”

“Actually, there are all kinds of women taking the class.”

“I said no.”

“And our instructor is really nice—”

“I said no!” He pounded his fist, knocking some soup from his

bowl. Adrian stared at him, fists clenched. Bring it, you bastard.

“No one asked you, Louis.”

His eyes darkened and he pushed himself away from the table.

Sweat glistened on his bald head.

“You know you don’t talk to me like that.”

“Or what?”

He angled his head and clicked his tongue. “You got old-timer’s

or something?”

She laughed softly even though she was trembling.

“It looks like you do.”

“Adrian, why don’t you come back another time?” Her mother

tried.

“I wanted to see your quilts,” she said, holding Louis’s stare.

“Another time. Why don’t you call me this week?”

His thin lips crept into a sinister smile, challenging her.

“Adrian, please.” Her mother was frightened, pleading. Just as

she’d always done. Adrian, please. Just shut up. Just be quiet. Don’t get

him started. Don’t set him off. And Adrian had always listened because

it wasn’t her that paid the price. It was her mother.

Her hammering heart was filling her body with what she needed.

What she’d come for. She had it now and she grinned in return,

grateful.

“As always, it was wonderful to see you both.” She stood, wiping

the corners of her mouth with her napkin. “Mom, thanks for the dinner.

Louis, thanks for having me.”

He rose with her. “You’re not going to finish eating?”

“I’m not feeling so well.”

“Well, that’s too bad. Your mother worked hard on that soup.”

• 183 •

RoniCa BLaCk

“I know. I’m sorry, Mom.”

She stood, too, but didn’t move. Adrian hugged her and kissed her.

“I love you,” she whispered in her ear.

“Guess we’ll see you in another year,” Louis said.

Her mother rested a hand at the base of her throat, watching as

Adrian retrieved her coat and slid into it.

“Louis.” Adrian gave him a nod, which he returned.

He followed her outside and she wasn’t surprised. He lit a cigarette

and flicked the ash in the snow.

“Gotta new snow blower,” he said as she walked to her car.

“Yeah, the driveway looks good.”

“It does, don’t it?” He took a deep drag. “How’s that Jap car of

yours?”

“Good.”

“Well, you know where to bring it if it gives you any trouble.”

“Yeah, I do, Louis. Thanks.”

“Any time.”

He waved as she pulled away, cigarette glowing as it hung from

his lips.

Every time she thought of him she pictured him like that, watching

her drive away, cigarette in his mouth, eyes glinting, making sure she

knew who was boss and just whose house it was.

“Whose house indeed, Louis. Whose house indeed.”

When she got home she went directly to the stereo, switched on

“Cold” and reached for her large sketch pad. She shrugged out of her

coat, tossed it aside, and rolled up her sleeves. She fished her charcoals

out of her supply box and began scratching firm line after line, creating

a stark, angular face and a smaller sharper body. She drew with harsh

movements, each trail of dark charcoal a slash across Louis in her

mind’s eye. She cursed and mumbled and held the pad close as she

sank into the chair and started smearing with her fingertips.

“This for Mom,” she said as she drew. “This is for me. This is for

making me feel like a worthless piece of shit. This is for calling me

fat when I was perfectly fine. This is for your words, your looks, your

goddamned controlling ways. This is for all of it.”

She worked diligently for what felt like a few short minutes. When

she finished and checked the clock it was after midnight. “Jesus.” She

wiped the sweat from her brow and tossed the sketch pad. She watched

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as it slid along the table. She left it there as she powered off the stereo

and headed for her bedroom. The image she’d drawn was still in her

head, flashing behind her eyes. It was a face with angry eyes and a wide

open shouting mouth. This time there was no X on the face. It was on

the chest, where a heart should be.

• 185 •

• 186 •

Chasing Love

ChapteR twenty

The sun had already set by the time Adrian reached the

community college on Wednesday. She eased into a parking

space and walked through the snow-salted parking lot. She hadn’t

spoken to Tamara since Sunday and she wasn’t looking forward to

seeing her in class. She could’ve skipped today’s session and probably

should have, but she dreaded going home to be alone. The restlessness

was getting worse, along with the mental torture of her mind. When she

wasn’t thinking about the past she was thinking about the present and

how she’d lost her best friend and never had anyone special and never

would. Her life felt like a massive mess and she just didn’t like sitting

at home in the middle of the pile.

She entered the building, and even though she was a bit early she

headed for the classroom. She breezed into the room and inhaled the

pleasant smells. She hung her coat and was about to sit on her stool

when Morresay entered. She halted her movement for a split second

when she saw Adrian.

“Hi,” she said as she crossed to her desk. “I wasn’t expecting

anyone to be in here quite yet.” She brushed back the loose strands

of her hair and Adrian found herself wishing she wouldn’t. She liked

seeing them hang loose around her face.

“I can leave if you want.” She heated at her thoughts and words.

“Of course not. I didn’t mean you weren’t welcome. You’re always

welcome.” She seemed to be fumbling for words and she was arranging

the things on her desk even though they didn’t appear to need arranging.

When Adrian sat at her stool she stopped and ran her fingertips lightly

across the desktop as if in deep thought.

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“I’m actually glad you’re here. I wanted to talk to you about the

other night and my e-mail invitation to attend the life art class.”

Embarrassment came like a cloud of mist and settled over Adrian.

It made it difficult to breathe. “I’m sorry about that—”

But Morresay stopped her. “Please, let me finish. I’m the one

who should apologize. I didn’t mean to pressure you or make you

uncomfortable.”

“You didn’t.” Adrian searched for what to say. “It was me. It was

a bad time.”

“Regardless.” She held up her hand. “I should’ve approached

it differently. I just think with your talent and your potential…I

wanted to talk to you about it. But if you’re not interested, you’re not

interested.”

“I didn’t say I wasn’t interested.”

“I shouldn’t have pushed it.”

“I’m…having a hard time…”

Morresay began fidgeting with her desktop belongings again.

“Just please know that I care and that I know how emotional art can be

sometimes.” She paused and when Adrian didn’t speak she seemed to

struggle again for words. “And about the invitation for coffee—”

Adrian stopped her, nearly coming out of her skin at seeing how

embarrassed she was. “It was to talk about art, right?”

Morresay visibly flushed. “Yes.”

“Okay, then. No need to explain or apologize.”

Voices came from the hallway as students headed for the classroom.

Morresay hurried and continued talking, going on about emotions and

surfacing feelings and how she understood and how she would leave

her alone, but that if she ever needed her she would be there and—

Oh God, it was too much and Adrian felt so responsible and so

embarrassed and Morresay was so kind and so beautiful, standing there

apologizing, trying to make her feel better. What could Adrian do? What

could she say other than I’m sorry? She had to say something. People

were coming. And Morresay was struggling, blushing profusely.

Adrian stood and racked her brain but nothing was there. Nothing

but… “You’re beautiful.”

Morresay closed her mouth and looked up at her, blinking her

soulful eyes. “Pardon?”

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Chasing Love

Adrian forced herself to swallow. Her heart was in her throat.

“You’re beautiful.”

Morresay appeared completely shocked and the red in her face

darkened at the delicate curve of her cheekbones. Two other students

walked in at that moment, laughing and carrying on, oblivious to

anything around them.

Morresay sat behind her desk and looked to be trying to compose

herself. Adrian sat on her stool and looked away, unable to bear the

sight. She’d just embarrassed them both further.

“Fuck.” She rubbed her temples, wanting to dart from the room.

And when Tamara entered looking hard and stubborn, she really wanted

to run.

But where would she go? What would she do? Go drinking?

Go hunting? She wasn’t like that. And she’d prove it by staying and

finishing out class.

Morresay called attention to the front, but Adrian didn’t follow

her form. She couldn’t deal with the rejection she knew she’d see in

her face. She’d just told a straight woman she was beautiful, and that

was a death sentence. Now she’d be lucky if Morresay spoke to her at

all. Maybe it was for the best. Maybe now her mind would let her rest

when it came to her.

She hoped so. Because she truly couldn’t take much more. She

rose and got her supplies as Morresay instructed them on how to bring

in more detail with pastels. Adrian didn’t want to use Tamara’s chalk

and she knew she was being an ass, but Tamara was too, having said

nothing to her so far. They’d argued like this before a long time ago

and the silence would last for days until one of them caved. Adrian

would be damned if it was her this time. She had enough issues to

deal with, and if Tamara couldn’t understand that then she deserved the

silent treatment. She was the one who had someone to go home to. Not

Adrian. She returned to her seat and started in on drawing the assigned

object. She kept quiet and worked quickly, making sure to add every

single speck of detail and then some. She made the drawing pop, made

it look like it could float right off the page and slap someone senseless.

She did that for Morresay. For all the kind words and compliments. For

the embarrassment and rudeness on her part. For the “you’re beautiful”

comment, even though she’d meant it. She worked hard to make up for

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all of that, but Morresay didn’t seem to notice or care. She didn’t touch

her shoulder when she came by and she didn’t comment on her work.

So when Adrian finished before everyone else, she rose, put away her

supplies, grabbed her jacket, and left her drawing on her table.

She headed into the night and hurried to her car, so drained from

the effort she’d put into the drawing she almost didn’t make it home.

v

Adrian still couldn’t get Morresay from her mind. She’d tossed

and turned and dreamt about her for two nights straight. Images of her

standing there against that desk, green eyes stirring her, touching her

soul. The way she’d said the words “apologize” and “uncomfortable.”

The way her hands had seemed restless, the way her hair fell. And then

there was her scent. Chai.

What did it all mean? She didn’t know. A part of her, when she’d

awoken on Thursday morning, was convinced the whole incident had

been a dream. And she’d relaxed and gone about her day thinking

just that until she received an e-mail from Morresay at noon. She’d

apologized for not getting a chance to finish their conversation. And she

asked for a chance to do just that.

The real world had come rushing back then, crushing her. She’d

really blurted out “you’re beautiful” to a woman she didn’t know. Her

teacher. Instructor. A straight woman who had looked scared to death

afterward.

“You’re mad. Absolutely mad,” she said aloud as she logged off.

“Tamara’s right. You’re fucking insane.”

“What are you mad about?” Benny asked, peeling off shipping

labels to stick on some smaller boxes they had waiting to ship.

“I’m not mad upset. I’m mad crazy.”

“Oh.” He slapped on a sticker and slid the box along the floor

toward the door. “Why?”

She ran her hands through her hair wishing she could meet

Tamara for lunch. But that wouldn’t be happening. They still weren’t

speaking.

Her despondence, she decided, would have to be worked off by

running a flat-out sprint for a mile or by talking to Benny. Neither

sounded appealing.

• 190 •

Chasing Love

She groaned. “Have you ever blurted out something stupid to a

woman before?”

He seemed surprised she was actually asking him. She almost

waited for him to look behind himself to make sure she wasn’t speaking

to someone else.

He peeled off another label and side stepped to locate the

appropriate box. “How do you mean? What exactly did you say?”

She plucked up a pencil and put it to her nose and inhaled. The

scent soothed her and sent her blood racing. Her fingers actually tingled,

eager to create.

“I told a woman she was beautiful.”

He groaned as he bent to slap on the sticker. “That’s it?” He

laughed a little as he straightened. “Christ, I thought you were going to

say you had said you’d wanted to fuck her, or hey, your tits are huge or

something like that.”

“I’m not a man, Benny.”

“Yeah, but you’re close.”

She fired the pencil at him but he ducked, his reflexes improving.

She’d have to move quicker. Ninja like. “Are you going to help me or

not?”

“What do you want to know? As far as I’m concerned you gave

her a compliment. What’s wrong with that?”

She winced and leaned back in her squeaky chair. “No, Benny,

you don’t get it. She was talking to me, this nice woman, my art teacher,

and I just blurted out ‘you’re beautiful.’”

“Your art teacher?” He made a face like what she’d said tasted

sour. “Since when do you go to art class?”

“Since—I don’t know—that’s not the point. I sounded like an

idiot. I feel like an idiot. I was an idiot.”

“Still are.”

“Benny,” she groaned. Why was she telling him this? Was it

because she’d had no one to talk to but One and Two for days on end?

It sort of felt nice actually hearing someone respond.

“Okay, okay.” He sank heavily into his chair and it protested

loudly when he placed his feet on the desk and bit off a hangnail as he

thought. “What did she say?”

“She just paused and said ‘pardon.’”

“Hmm. Did she seem mad?”

• 191 •

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“No. But I think she was flustered. Embarrassed.”

“What did you do?”

“Nothing. I just did my assignment and I left.”

“You didn’t say anything else?”

“What the hell was I supposed to say in a classroom full of people?

I was freaked out and embarrassed too.”

He shook his head. “And you’re supposed to get women better

than me? Even I wouldn’t have left.”

“Why not?”

He folded his hands on his beer belly. “It’s a rule. Like a well-

known fact.”

“What is?”

“If you give a woman a compliment and she doesn’t slap you,

make a face, or run away…you’re in.”

“Get outta here,” she said sounding like him.

“I’m dead serious.”

“So I should’ve stayed? And said what?”

“Anything. She obviously liked what she’d heard. You should’ve

asked her out.”

“She’s straight. You forgot that part. And she had a class to teach,

so she couldn’t leave.”

“Says who? Look, all I know is, in the world of women, if you

want to get one, you gotta follow the rules.”

“These are rules men use?”

“Yep. They’re sacred, so you owe me.”

“She’s my teacher.”

“Well, you obviously like her if you blurted out what you did. And

since when do you care? The shit you’ve told me—I figured anything

with the right parts would do.”

She chose to ignore that comment but she knew it would stab at

her mind later, just like everything else did these days. “What about her

man? She’s got a picture of him on her desk and I saw her hugging him

in the parking lot.”

“Adrian, you told the woman she was beautiful. You didn’t grab

her ass. Relax a little. And if you like her, ask her if she’s married.

If she’s interested, she’ll find an excuse to meet you somewhere for

drinks.”

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Chasing Love

She sat in silence, a little amazed at his knowledge. Everything he

was saying was making sense.

“Actually, she asked me out for coffee. Before all this, though.”

He planted his feet firmly on the ground. “Get outta here.”

“She did. That’s what we were talking about when I blurted.”

“Now the question is, does she still want to go?”

Adrian chewed on her lip for moment, flushing. “I think she does.

She just sent me an e-mail.”

“Then you’re home free, girl.”

“I don’t think it’s like that, though. I think she just wants to talk

about art.”

He laughed, obviously disbelieving.

“For someone who loves and knows women so well, you sure are

clueless sometimes.” He headed into the back office, on his way to the

break room.

Adrian stared at her computer screen. Clueless. It seemed more

than appropriate for the way she’d been feeling lately. Tamara’s words

came to her as she considered her reply to Morresay . She’s off-limits.

Probably married. Focus on yourself.

She stared at Morresay’s words until they blurred and bulged from

the page. She wanted to call her. More than anything.

Maybe she should call her. She was offering to listen, after all, and

she’d offered more than once. But she was only being polite. A teacher

going above and beyond to help a promising student. She in no way

knew of Adrian’s true feelings or attraction. If she did, she’d clam up

and run for the hills just like any other straight woman would.

She buried her head in her hands, frustrated. The phone number

seemed larger than the words, and it was growing bigger by the

second.

“Fuck it.” She grabbed the phone and punched in the number.

She bit her nail, nervous as hell. What would she say? The line rang

once and she ended the call. She lightly slapped the receiver against her

forehead. “Shit, shit, shit.”

A loud ring caused her to nearly drop it. The caller ID scared her

even more. It was Morresay.

“Goddamnit.” Why had she called her? What the hell had she

planned on saying to her anyway? She couldn’t talk to her. Every single

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bit of emotion she felt in regard to her and everything else would surely

tumble out.

She hurriedly looked around, panicked. How would she explain

herself? Oh, I just accidently dialed your number and hung up?

She forced herself to calm down and rid her mind of Morresay.

But there was nothing safe to switch to. There just didn’t seem to be any

peace. Anywhere. Not in her mind, not in her apartment, not in her best

friend. She paced, needing to escape. Benny returned and eyed her.

“What’s with you?”

She swallowed down the ball in her throat. “I need to get out of

here.”

“Me too.”

It was close to quitting time, but that wasn’t what she meant. “No,

I mean I really need to go somewhere. Anywhere. You up for it?”

He seemed surprised. “You serious?”

“Yes.”

“My place, barbecue?”

Adrian nodded and the phone rang again. When Benny went for

it her heart leapt.

“I got it,” she said and stretched for the receiver. “Jake’s.”

There was a pause and then a woman’s voice. It shot right into her

ear and went straight to her heart, where it gently squeezed. “I’m sorry,

I must have the wrong number.”

Adrian inhaled sharply and when she heard the click she thought

for a second she was going to lose her balance.

Thankfully, her chair was right behind her, and as she sank down

into it she thought how wonderful it would be to hear that voice over

the line time and time again.

• 194 •

Chasing Love

ChapteR twenty-one

Did everyone get a chance to finish their pastel drawings at

home?” Morresay asked on Saturday.

The class mumbled various replies, all of the women retrieving

the drawings they’d been working on for a while, the ones where they’d

drawn an object they’d brought from home. Adrian was wide awake and

on edge, every nerve still attuned to Morresay. She’d done her best at

finding distractions, even gone to Benny’s house on Thursday evening,

but nothing seemed to help.

Morresay moved closer and Adrian focused, watching her as she

took a look at some of the drawings, touched shoulders and wove slowly

through tables. She seemed quieter today, a little withdrawn, as Adrian

felt herself. Her cable knit sweater was simple and beige, her pants a

faded navy. Her slender hands had the telltale marks of charcoal and

Adrian knew she’d been working recently. The image was strikingly

familiar, reminding Adrian of the fantasy she’d had while at the party

at Bobbie’s.

“Would anyone like to share?” Morresay asked, returning to the

front of the class. Adrian sat very still, convinced Morresay could feel

her heating and read her thoughts. But when Morresay’s eyes passed

hers there was no pause or sign of recognition. It relieved her yet upset

her a little. She didn’t want to be called on for many reasons, but she

also didn’t want Morresay to hate her.

Her eyes continued across the room before settling on Tamara,

who had risen her hand.

“Tamara. Tell us a little bit about yours.”

Tamara held up her drawing and Adrian was surprised to see that

• 195 •

RoniCa BLaCk

it wasn’t the drawing she’d originally seen her work on. This one was a

rose. A single beautiful large rose. The detail was breathtaking. Tamara

had really worked hard on it.

“What do we think, ladies? Very nicely done, isn’t it? It looks

almost real. Like you can pluck it right off the page and put it to your

nose to inhale.”

There were mumbles and agreements.

“But what’s most important is why Tamara chose this to draw.

Don’t you think? What drew her to this rose? The color? The soft

velvety texture? Or some other reason? Tamara?”

“All of those reasons. I knew I had to go relatively simple because

frankly, I’m terrible at all of this.” A few understanding chuckles

came from nearby. “The colors were beautiful so I was hoping they

would really pop. But as I drew it the real reason I chose it came to

the surface.” Silence fell over the classroom as everyone waited.

Tamara’s eyes glazed over as she stared at her rose. “I bought this for

my girlfriend on my way home from work one day. I didn’t buy a dozen

and I didn’t choose red. At the time I wasn’t sure why. I just thought it

was beautiful.” She paused a moment as if gathering her thoughts and

emotions. “I know now that I didn’t need to get her the full dozen or

the rich red. I just needed this one. This one was enough. This one was

perfect.”

“Tell us why,” Morresay whispered, captivated.

“Because this rose represents us. We are simple. A single unit.

And we are bright and yellow and full of radiant happiness. Yet we

are burning with desire and passion as we open and bloom together,

offering ourselves together to the world.” She looked at the rose as if

it were real and speaking to her. Her fingers skimmed over the paper.

“I’m going to frame it and hang it in our bedroom. Because this rose, on

this page, will never wilt. It is us at this moment, frozen in time.”

There was a collective hush over the room. Morresay’s eyes were

sparkling. She was touched, her feelings causing her cheeks to redden.

She had a hand over her heart as if it was helping it to beat, like maybe

if she took it away her heart would stop. Adrian stared at her with her

own heart lodged in her throat. Tamara had reached them all.

“And I just want to say,” Tamara added, “that I hope all of us can

find this in our lives.” She sat then and eased her drawing back onto

the table. Adrian wanted to tell her she loved her, that she was truly

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Chasing Love

happy for her, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t say anything she was so

overcome with raw emotion.

“Thank you, Tamara,” Morresay said softly. She seemed to

be having trouble speaking herself. “Does everyone understand the

symbolism Tamara spoke of? How what we choose to create can

represent just about anything in our lives?”

Women nodded and Morresay breathed deeply. “Good. Would

everyone please turn in their work now? And when you return to your

tables I want you all to unwrap the canvases you brought.”

Adrian had turned in her drawing long ago, so she busied herself

unwrapping her canvas and placing it in the standing easel. Morresay

began weaving through the tables again, talking.

“Today we are going to shift gears and paint. I want to turn your

brains on end and go from realism to free, raw, uninhibited expression.

I want you to paint without thinking about creating anything tangible.

Just grab your brush, choose your color, and fling, tap, or smear on your

paint. Get wild. Go crazy. Have fun.”

Adrian felt herself gearing up, like a race car sitting idle at the

starting line.

“Whenever you’re ready, you may begin.”

There was rustling and talking and excited laughter. Adrian

reached for the paint at the center of the table. She left her brushes

lying there and used the bottle alone, squirting deep navy paint onto

her canvas. It shot out like mustard from a bottle, spraying at first and

then shooting across the canvas in a jagged lightning line. Quickly, she

stripped off her sweatshirt, stood from her stool, and began to smear

the paint with her hands. She used the bottle to squirt on some more,

smearing that as well. Then she left some fresh lines, angling them this

way and that. Then it was on to a new color. Bright yellow and bright

green. She crisscrossed and stabbed the bottle at the painting like a

madman wielding a knife. Which gave her an idea. Not caring about the

fresh paint on her hands, she dug in her pocket for her keys and opened

the small Swiss Army knife she had attached. Without missing a beat,

she took it to the painting, turned it flat on its side and spread some of

the green and yellow lines into crescent smears. She even pressed into

the canvas with the side of the dull blade, making slight indentions and

cuts. Then she used the tip of the knife to scratch across the canvas in

random strides.

• 197 •

RoniCa BLaCk

Women were starting to approach, curious, watching her closely.

But she was in her own world already, caught up by that invisible

magnet, the one pulling her and holding her to the canvas. It wouldn’t

release her until she finished.

She flung the knife and keys on the table and reached again for the

paint. She squirted on more lines, flinging the paint from the bottles in

quick jerky gestures. Then she added long, deliberate lines and used the

knife again to layer on more of the navy mixed with a deep violet.

When she finally stepped away at the end of class, the painting

was mesmerizing and looked like dark skeletal trees and wild streaks

of lightning in a neon chaos. She even stepped up to add a few more

scratch marks, bringing the trunks of the trees alive with veiny bark.

She stood staring at it for a long while, unmoving while women

trickled through, looking for themselves. Tamara was speechless,

staring at it with watery eyes.

The class started filtering out, a few of the women still in back

cleaning up their brushes. Morresay was helping students find their

graded work on their way out. She spoke to a few, giving lots of praise

and encouragement. Adrian headed for the sink, her hands a complete

but satisfying mess. As she scrubbed she heard Tamara and Morresay

talking, going over Tamara’s work. From the way they related so easily

to each other, Adrian could tell Morresay had spent quite a bit of time

helping her.

She returned to her canvas and set it along the wall to dry in a space

between some of the others. She wiped her wet hands on her already

dirty jeans. Paint had crusted dry on the waist and thighs, some of it in

swipes, some in handprints. She was starting to regret wiping paint on

them, but she’d been so caught up in her work she hadn’t cared.

She grabbed her car keys and walked slowly toward the door,

not wanting to interrupt Tamara and Morresay. They were the only

remaining people in the class.

“Hey, Adrian, wait up,” Tamara said, readying some of her work

to take home. She began to roll them up, using her leg for support as

she did so.

“Actually, I have some of Adrian’s work here too,” Morresay said.

She opened the large art binder and pulled out both the pencil drawing

and the charcoal drawing. “As I was telling Tamara, I wrote some brief

notes on the Post-it on the back.”

• 198 •

Chasing Love

Adrian took them and glanced at the notes quietly. Morresay

voiced them aloud.

“Have you given any thought to what I mentioned before? About

maybe going to school for your art?”

Adrian had read her e-mails. Several times, in fact. But she didn’t

know what to tell her. Art school was the last thing on her mind. She

had a job and wasn’t really thrilled at the thought of starting over.

“Adrian, I think that’s a great idea,” Tamara said. “I mean, if you

really think she’s got a future in it.” She looked at Morresay.

“I do. She has a lot of raw talent.”

Adrian still didn’t speak. She had the feeling they’d talked about

this before, on their own. And she was still clawing her way out of the

dark, twisted forest with neon chaos. Her insides were churning and

she felt worked up and restless, yet dark and distant. She couldn’t bring

herself to look at Morresay. There were too many things spinning out

of her control right now and she knew she’d be drawn into her wistful

eyes and her mysterious spicy scent. She’d want to touch her, feel her

under her swollen fingertips and kiss her slender fingers one at a time.

“Are you okay?” Tamara asked.

Adrian closed her eyes and nodded. “I need to go,” she said,

swallowing her desire.

“Okay.”

Morresay wished them a good night and left them to walk to her

desk. Tamara followed Adrian out of the building, where the wind

pushed at Adrian’s drawings hanging from her hand.

“You better roll those up,” Tamara said.

“I’ve got a better idea,” Adrian said, hurrying over to the trash

bin just outside the building. She held the papers up and dropped them

inside the open barrel.

“What are you doing!” Tamara went to grab them but Adrian

gripped her arm.

“Don’t.”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“I don’t want them.”

“Well, I do.”

“No.” She wouldn’t release her.

“Why the hell not?”

“Because.” She shook her head in frustration. “I don’t want to

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look at them. It makes me—” She dropped her arm and headed farther

into the dark wind. Hands shoved in her pockets, she hurried to her car.

Tamara was breathless when she caught up to her.

“Adrian.”

“Don’t, T. I can’t take it.”

“Please tell me what’s wrong.”

Adrian stopped. “I don’t know!”

“Has something happened?”

“You mean other than you and me fighting? No. Nothing has

happened. But yet everything. And I’m feeling lost and confused.”

Tamara’s face washed over with hurt. She was hurting for her and

Adrian knew it. It only made her feel worse.

“Come over. Harriet and I—”

“No. I need to go.”

“I don’t want you to be alone.”

Adrian unlocked her car. “I don’t plan on being alone.”

Tamara caught her meaning. “Don’t do that, Adrian. Please. Just

give yourself some time.”

“I gotta go.” She climbed in her car and shut the door. Rolling

down her window she said, “I’ll call you later,” and drove off into the

night.

• 200 •

Chasing Love

ChapteR twenty-two

Later that evening Adrian was freshly showered standing in

front of Penny’s door. It pulled open slowly.

“I was surprised to hear from you,” she said just before she broke

into a wicked smile.

“Is it too soon? We can still go out for coffee or something.”

They’d briefly discussed meeting for coffee on the phone but Penny

had invited her over instead. Adrian had readily agreed.

“Or…something.”

“Yeah.”

She took a step back and opened the door farther. “Come on in.”

Adrian didn’t hesitate. She knew why she was there and Penny

seemed to know as well, wearing a black satin bathrobe, walking in her

bare feet. Her house was a lot like her. Confident and a bit bold. Huge

canvases of abstract art hung in her living room over black leather

couches with bright throw pillows. Deep-barreled candles burned on

the coffee table.

“Nice place,” Adrian said.

“Thanks.” She smiled slowly, with barely hidden intent. “Forgive

my appearance,” she said, crossing the plush carpet to sit. “But I was

already in for the night.”

Adrian sat across from her, watching as the candlelight played off

her face and hair. She crossed legs that shimmered, looking as supple

as her lips.

“You’re different tonight,” she said. “Your energy has changed.

You’re not upset or uneasy like you were in the Union.”

• 201 •

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“No.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.”

Penny seemed to think for a moment. “You’re telling the truth,

aren’t you?”

“Yes.”

“You want to stay the night with me.”

“Yes.”

“You need something.”

Adrian felt a shudder run through her. It was dangerous, birthed

from that same somewhere where anger resided and brewed, waiting to

be called forth. It was the fire she always sought after, only it wasn’t.

The flames weren’t licking up her insides like they usually did.

“Yes, I can see it in your eyes. They’re flashing tonight.” She

stood. “I know that look.”

Adrian stood as well, her heart thumping, forcing heavy, leaden

blood through her. She felt bold. Fierce. “Are you analyzing me?”

The corner of her mouth lifted. “Yes. Does that bother you?”

“I don’t think anything can bother me tonight.”

“Be careful. I’m listening, you know. And I’ll hold you to that.”

“I look forward to it.”

Penny curled her index finger. “Come on, then. Follow me.”

They walked down a dark hallway to the last room on the end.

Double doors led into a dimly lit master bedroom with dark carpet,

heavy black lacquer furniture, and a large flat bed covered in black satin

sheets. Blue bulbs burned in several wall sconces, sending fins of eerie

light onto the walls.

Penny crossed to the bedside and lit two candles, then shook

out the match. Adrian breathed in the spent sulfur and approached.

Penny welcomed her by pressing her hands to her chest to ease her

out of the leather jacket. It fell to the floor in a heap but Penny wasn’t

concerned.

“Let’s get you out of these clothes.” She worked her T-shirt out of

her jeans and pulled it over her head. Her eyes flickered when she saw

Adrian’s bare breasts.

“Very nice.” She took a nipple between her finger and thumb. She

tugged roughly.

“Ah—ah,” Adrian let out.

• 202 •

Chasing Love

“Do you like that?” She did it again, pinching first.

Adrian hissed again and clenched her jaw. The pain was fierce and

fast, followed closely by a rush of heat. Her nipple bunched so hard it

ached, and a hot pressure pushed behind her clit. Penny narrowed her

eyes with desire, tugging hard on her jeans, tearing the buttons open

easily. She shoved them down firmly and Adrian stepped out of them

and kicked them aside, completely nude.

A warm hand trailed across her face as Penny angled her lips

up toward hers. Just as they were about to kiss, the heel of her hand

pushed against Adrian’s sternum, sending her sprawling back onto the

bed. Strong legs straddled her as Penny pinned her arms above her

head, binding them quickly around the wrists. Adrian tugged, unable

to move, and watched as Penny lowered herself to do the same to her

ankles.

“If you want free, you better say so now,” she said, standing next

to the bed.

Adrian clenched her jaw again, her flesh throbbing between her

legs.

She had only one concern. “You aren’t going to hurt me, are

you?”

Penny stripped off her robe. “Pain is guaranteed. Coupled with

pleasure. But rest assured, pain alone will not be experienced here.”

Adrian blinked at her shiny black corset. It fit her contours like a

second skin, curving just under her breasts to push them upward and

out. Her soft, large nipples had a purple tint to them and they puckered

as she moved, breezing across the room to retrieve something from

a large walk-in closet. When she emerged she carried it at her side,

dragging what looked like thick strings along the carpet. She moved

quickly, coming up to the side of the bed with a hard look in her eyes.

“What—” Adrian tried to speak but Penny surprised her by raising

her arm and bringing down the tails of the whip. It lightly stung all

across Adrian’s torso, causing her to call out and jerk.

“Here’s my touch,” Penny said. “This is all me. You feel it?” She

raised the whip again and again, using the flat leather flails on Adrian’s

breasts, then trailing them slowly down to her belly.

Adrian watched, breathing heavily. The whip was actually a

flogger with rainbow-colored flails. Each was knotted at the end with

fur extending beyond that.

• 203 •

RoniCa BLaCk

“I asked you a question,” Penny said sternly. “Do you like my

touch?”

“Yes,” Adrian said, surprisingly strong.

“Oh you do, do you?” She moved the flogger along her body,

down to her hips. Then she brought it down again, stinging her waist

and hips and just above her pubis.

Adrian gasped, the pain sharp for a split second, then burning

blissfully. And as Penny moved down her body, she began to anticipate

each biting snap, clenching her teeth and tugging at her bindings. By

the time Penny turned her attention back to her breasts, Adrian was

covered in a thin sheen of sweat. Her skin burned and tingled, alive and

yearning.

“Do you like my touch?” Penny asked again.

“Yes,” Adrian said, her voice threatening to give out.

Penny pulled the flogger away, and the flails retreated like the

ocean before a large wave. She brought it down harder than before,

stinging her breasts in a dozen different places at once.

“Do you like it?” Penny called out again and again.

Adrian flexed her ass, pushing her back up off the bed, arching her

herself into each blow.

“Yes!” she cried. “Yes, yes!”

Penny stopped and dug at the braided leather handle of the flogger.

She pinched something between her fingers and crowded over Adrian.

“What are you doing?” Adrian asked, watching helplessly. Penny

set the whip on Adrian’s stomach and grabbed her nipple with one hand

while sliding something on it with the other.

“Ah!” It was a bobby pin. A small bobby pin, pinching her nipple.

Penny moved quickly to the other breast and did the same thing, leaving

Adrian tight with sweet pain. The pins were so small and tight, her

nipples looked pale. Then the flogger came down again. One, two, three

times, right across her breasts.

Breath caught in her throat as the knots brushed the pins, tugging

on her nipples. She cried out louder as the stinging intensified.

“Do you like my touch?” Penny asked, bending to quickly flick

her tongue at her nipples.

Adrian groaned, a hiss escaping her as she threw her head back

when Penny resumed her actions.

• 204 •

Chasing Love

And she stopped again. Adrian’s eyes widened as Penny raised the

burning candle over her.

“How about now?” she said, dribbling the hot wax down onto her

nipples.

Adrian winced and cried out, and for two white-hot seconds

she thought she was going to come out of her skin. But then the pain

dissipated, like smoke from a match, and she licked her lips and tried

to catch her breath.

Penny didn’t give her long. She laughed wickedly as she poured

the rest of the wax, covering first one breast and then the other.

Adrian thrashed, almost unable to take the exquisite torture.

“Yes, that’s a girl,” Penny said from the foot of the bed. The

flogger snapped and Adrian opened her clenched eyes and watched.

Several more light blows followed, and even as the wax still gripped

her nipples in heat, Penny crawled between Adrian’s legs and forced

them farther apart, pushing her knees up and out. The leg binds had

given a bit and as Adrian was wondering how, Penny once again started

with the flogger, trailing the tails across her swollen flesh.

The sensation was overwhelming, almost incomprehensible.

Another teasing touch of the flogger had Adrian starting to close her

legs, but Penny dipped her head farther and buried her face in her, hot

wet tongue bathing her. This time a scream did come and Adrian tensed

and pulled as hard as she could at her binds, wanting desperately to

hold Penny’s head to her and fuck her madly.

But all she could do was watch and feel and take. And oh, it was

so fucking insanely good. She moaned and held her breath repeatedly

as she held her head up off the bed, watching. Penny’s head shook from

side to side, sucking her so hard it made tight slurping sounds.

“You’re going to come now,” she said, tearing her mouth from her

for a second.

Adrian nodded, desperate.

“Because I’m letting you,” she added. “You understand?”

She nodded again.

Then Penny re-attached herself and shook her head, pulsing at

Adrian’s clit with her tongue as she sucked her.

Adrian bit her lower lip and pumped into her and Penny grabbed

her hips and pressed herself into her harder.

• 205 •

RoniCa BLaCk

“Oh God, yes,” Adrian said as the pleasure came. “Oh fucking

God, yes.”

She pumped again, unable not to. Penny held fast to her, sucking

her hard, bobbing at her with her tongue as she held her in her mouth.

“Oh fucking God, yes!” And she came, screaming at the top of

her lungs, thrashing like a madwoman, a prisoner breaking free from

a deep, dark cell. Her body arched up off the bed, slick with sweat,

strained with burning need. Penny stayed on her, holding tightly to her

flesh, forcing her to take it all, all, all and then more, more, more until

Adrian was begging for mercy with nerves so sensitive she couldn’t

bear another pinprick of touch.

“Please. Please.” She kept moving her hips but now it was to

escape the hot, sucking mouth. At last Penny released her and there

was a smacking sound. Adrian drew her legs together, panting.

Penny looked like a sated vampire with Adrian running down her

chin.

“Did you like my touch?” she asked, deadly serious.

“Yes.”

“Good.” She crawled up Adrian’s body and sank her knees down

on either side of her head, resting her shins on her shoulders and her

ass on Adrian’s upper chest. “Now you’re going to like my touch in

another way.” She lifted herself and maneuvered over Adrian’s face.

“You’re going to feel me with your mouth. And you’re going to feel me

real good, aren’t you?”

She lowered herself farther and Adrian felt her bare flesh and

the edges of the black corset. Her panties were slit down the center.

Crotchless.

Penny made a small noise as she came down on her. Adrian tasted

her at once and felt the heat of her arousal. She was wet and swollen,

her clit easy to take hold of. She sucked her lightly at first and watched

as she jerked and drew into a steady rhythm.

“Oh yeah, girl. Suck that. You know you like it.” She moved

quicker and Adrian began to use her tongue, slipping it just inside her

opening, rubbing it against the ridged skin. Penny stopped speaking

then. Just made deep guttural noises. And then right before she came

she started again.

“Oh yeah. You’re going to do what I tell you to do, aren’t you?

Like a good girl. Like a bad girl. Uh.”

• 206 •

Chasing Love

She rocked faster. She let out a long hiss and then came, smashing

herself down on Adrian full force, rubbing herself furiously. Her thighs

cinched around Adrian’s head and she could no longer hear. Everything

was muffled and muted and heavy and forceful. She couldn’t breathe

and started to squirm.

Penny rode her out long and hard, her flesh pulsing and pushing.

Adrian kicked and moaned. And just as she was about pass out,

freedom.

She gasped for air and blinked for focus. Penny was nowhere to

be seen.

She called out for her but there was no response. The room

flickered menacingly in the candlelight.

“Hello?”

Silence. Her nipples ached, so badly she imagined them chained

to hooks hanging from the ceiling. Each breath felt like the chain

tightened, stretching her upward.

“Hello?” she shouted.

“Shh, shh.” Penny drifted into the room once again wearing the

silk robe. She came quickly to the bed and worked the wax with her

fingers, peeling it from her skin. Once the nipples were exposed she slid

off the bobby pins and Adrian felt her eyes widen with great relief.

“Ah, ah God. Thank you,” she groaned. And then her throat

tightened as she caught sight of Penny’s dark, deadened eyes. The

hunger and curiosity Adrian had originally seen in them was gone.

Adrian caught her own scent coating Penny’s lips. It was strong now,

and suddenly unappealing. This wasn’t what she wanted. Wasn’t who

she wanted. The room became strange and threatening. This wasn’t

home. This was a stranger’s home. Anxiety filled her soul and pushed

into her mind. She had to go. Now.

“Untie me,” she whispered urgently.

Penny stopped moving. “Are you sure? We’re not finished yet.”

“I can’t do this.”

“You just did.”

“It was a mistake.” Oh God, she just wanted to go. She tugged at

her bindings. “Let me go. Please.”

Penny stared at her some more, as if she didn’t want to believe her.

Then she unbound her wrists. Adrian sat up and loosened the binds on

her ankles and bolted from the bed.

• 207 •

RoniCa BLaCk

“What’s wrong?” Penny asked, watching her dress.

Adrian didn’t answer, knowing if she did she’d lose it

completely.

“Adrian?”

“I can’t.” She tugged on her shirt, not bothering to smooth it out.

“So please stop asking.” Her voice shook. “I just can’t.” She stepped

into her shoes and patted her jacket to find her keys.

“Why not?”

Adrian headed out the bedroom door and down the hallway.

When she reached the front door, she felt Penny’s hand close around

her arm.

“Adrian, stop.”

“No.”

“Tell me what’s wrong. What’s the problem?”

“I need more than this.” I need— She thought of those sparkling

green eyes, sun and sand–colored hair. The gentle voice, the kind words.

The slender fingers. Morresay. It came like a whisper in her mind.

“More? More what? You don’t think this was more than just a

scene, do you?” She shook her head. “Adrian, come on. Don’t tell

me you’re like all those other women. Don’t tell me you want all that

commitment bullshit.”

“No, I—I don’t want those things—not with you.”

“Well, good. Because I don’t want them either.” She dropped her

hands and Adrian noticed again the vacant look in her eyes. She’d shut

off. Adrian might as well have completely vanished. She knew exactly

what it felt like to give that look. And for the first time ever, it made

her sick.

“Listen, it’s been real. But you need to go now. I don’t want any

drama up in here. I’m drama free, baby.”

Adrian trembled and swallowed painfully. She was hearing what

many of her former lovers had heard from her. Realizing that only

made it harder. She felt so frail and slit wide open. She would’ve given

anything for an embrace, for a calm pat of understanding. Someone just

to say it was all going to be okay. But she knew she wouldn’t get it. And

she didn’t deserve it.

Penny must’ve seen the tears forming in her eyes because she

straightened with a determined expression and sighed. “Look, it’s not

you, it’s me.”

• 208 •

Chasing Love

Adrian could only blink. And then a strange laughter came up

from her chest. How many times had she said that, never truly grasping

the meaning?

“No, Penny. You’re wrong. This time it’s all me.”

Leaving her with a look of bewilderment, Adrian stepped out the

door.

With the car started she took off, peeling down the street. She

drove until she was out of the neighborhood and then pulled over at an

abandoned gas station. The ground was slick with patches of ice and

she almost fell a few times after she exited the car. Leaving the door

open, she ran to the back of the station and faced the woods.

Grabbing her head, she screamed as loud as she could and then

fell to her knees, broken up with sobs. Her chest tightened and burned

and then burst forth with powerful sobs. Hot tears streamed down her

face. She cried for herself, for her life, for her loneliness and inability

to find love. She cried for her mother, for her life, for the constant abuse

she took. She cried for all of it until there were no more tears to come.

• 209 •

• 210 •

Chasing Love

ChapteR twenty-thRee

I’m really worried about you,” Tamara said for the third time.

“Won’t you please come to lunch with us or something?”

Adrian blinked, her eyelids heavy. “Not today. I don’t feel like it.”

She was still in bed, a heap of covers on top of her. The clock read two

p.m. It was Sunday. Or was it?

“What’s today? Sunday?”

“Yes. Adrian, I’m really worried. You don’t talk at lunch, and

when we speak on the phone you hardly say two words.”

“I need time alone. That’s what you’ve always said.”

“Yes, but not like this. This isolation. It’s not good.”

“I’m fine. Just tired.” She was, indeed, incredibly tired. She just

felt drained and completely devoid of life.

Tamara sighed. “Will you call me tomorrow?”

“Yes.”

“I mean it. Call me.”

“Okay.”

They rang off and Adrian tossed the phone aside and turned over.

Her bed felt cool and comfortable, tempting her to remain. But her

eyes were no longer heavy. She rose and crossed to the bathroom. Her

reflection told her tale.

A pale, drawn face with deep blue eyes stared back at her. Her

hair had grown a bit over her ears and long on her neck. It stood up on

one side. Her fingers trailed along the dips in her collarbones and the

white plains of her flat stomach. Her nipples had recovered slowly from

the night with Penny but she no longer touched them, uninterested in

anything that reminded of her sex or intimacy.

• 211 •

RoniCa BLaCk

The shower came to life as she turned the knob. She waited for it to

steam before stepping inside. At once she sighed and relaxed, the water

a blessing, a kind, caring friend she always seemed to forget about until

she was under its touch once again.

It was the only time of day her face softened enough to almost

smile. She let it come now, let it spread across her face. Today it

remained a little longer but it still felt foreign, stinging her cheeks as if

they were cracking and made of stone.

She let it ease from her face and turned the water a bit hotter,

wishing it could somehow massage her bones. When she finally

emerged, she dressed in soft jeans and a gray flannel shirt. Pages of

artwork hung limply along the edge of her dresser and she had to weave

through canvases as she made her way to the living room. She’d done

nothing but sleep and create, and her apartment was overflowing with

finished canvases and rolled papers. She still hadn’t figured out what

she was going to do with them all, if anything.

She assumed her position on the couch and stared through the

television. Nothing interested her, not even the Discovery Channel.

Empty soda cans stared at her from the coffee table, along with paper

plates and old issues of the newspaper, still unopened. A stack of mail

sat below the papers. She didn’t feel like cleaning but she didn’t feel

like staring through the television, either. She rose and pulled open the

blinds, sending sunlight streaming in. Dust particles danced and floated

down onto Two, who was sitting in the light, squinting.

She knelt and scratched his head, warming at the sight of his huge

golden eyes. One immediately came trotting over, eager for attention.

As she petted them she realized she’d been neglecting them as far as

physical attention.

“Poor guys.” They both rolled to their backs, happy to lounge in

the large square of sunlight. She left them and gathered the trash off the

coffee table and dumped it in the garbage bin. She slid in some CDs

she hadn’t heard in a long while and hummed as she worked, dusting

and then vacuuming. She found herself smiling as some of the old

songs came on. They brought with them old memories, fun memories.

And when she finished cleaning, she put in a load of laundry, cracked

open the front window for a fresh cold breeze, and created some new

playlists on her iPod.

• 212 •

Chasing Love

She was downloading some new songs and considering snacking

for dinner when someone knocked at her door.

Surprised, she rose and looked out her peephole.

“It’s Harriet!”

Adrian opened the door. “Harriet, hi.” She stepped aside. “Come

on in.”

“Thanks,” she huffed, carrying a good-sized box.

“Here, let me get that.” Adrian eased it from her arms and set it

down.

“This is nice,” Harriet said, looking around.

“You should’ve seen it this morning.” She closed the cracked

window, the room taking in a chill. One and Two scampered at the loud

noise.

“Aw, I didn’t mean to scare them.” Harriet tried to woo them back

with soft kitten calls.

“You didn’t. They’ll come back.” Adrian glanced at the box and

rocked on her feet, hands in pockets. Then she pointed to the couch.

“Have a seat.”

Harriet did, crossing her legs with a smile. She nodded at the box.

“Those are for you.”

Adrian took a peek. “Books?”

“Not just books. Lesbian books.”

Adrian raised an eyebrow.

“Tamara said you’d probably never read any. There’s all kinds in

there. Romance, mystery, sci-fi.”

“Lesbian characters?”

“Uh-huh.”

She leafed through a few, intrigued. It had been ages since she’d

last read. But as she thought about it, she couldn’t recall why.

“Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome. I thought they might cheer you up.”

Adrian joined her on the couch. “So Tamara sent you.” She shook

her head. “I told her I was okay.”

“She’s worried. In fact,” she looked around, “I’m worried too.

You don’t look well, Adrian.”

“I’m okay. I’m coming around.”

“Truly?”

• 213 •

RoniCa BLaCk

“Yes, truly.”

“What have you been doing? Have you been okay?”

Adrian stood and walked to the kitchen table. She switched on the

light as Harriet rose and joined her.

“This,” Adrian said pointing to the canvases stacked and leaning

against the wall. A neat pile of her drawings sat on the table with tissue

paper edged between each one. It had taken her a while, but she’d put

everything together in the dining area.

Harriet gasped and moved to tug on the leaning canvases. She

riffled through them all like someone searching for their favorite album.

“These are incredible,” she said. “You must’ve spent hours and hours

on these.”

“One a night. Two on the weekends.”

“Good heavens.”

“Probably explains why I look like shit. I’ve done nothing else

other than go to work.”

“Yeah, Tamara had said you’d even missed some classes.”

Adrian shrugged and walked back to the couch. Morresay was off-

limits. But she couldn’t explain that to Harriet or anyone else.

Harriet returned to the couch and sat. Her posture was perfect

but not in a snobbish way. She crossed her denim clad legs again and

Adrian noted her Nike runners and a soft-looking jacket. Her hair was

down and nearly shimmering.

“Tamara shouldn’t have sent you. I’m fine.”

“Are you?”

“I wasn’t.” She pushed out a long breath. “But I think I’m going

to be okay. I feel different. Like I don’t need to do the same things I’ve

always done.”

“You mean like dating?”

“Yes.” She laughed a little. “I don’t think Tamara believes me, but

I haven’t seen anyone. I don’t even log onto the chat room anymore.”

Harriet seemed to consider what she said. “She believes you,

Adrian. But she’s still worried about your well-being.”

“Well, I don’t know what she wants from me. I’m doing the best

I can.”

Harriet shifted, pressing her lips together as if what she was about

to say was difficult. “Adrian, I came over here because I wanted to talk

to you about that.”

• 214 •

Chasing Love

Adrian grew nervous.

“I know we don’t know each other very well, but I’m hoping we

can change that.”

Adrian agreed. “I’d like to.”

Harriet smiled and folded her hands in her lap. “I am worried

though. About Tamara.”

“Why?”

Harriet blinked a few times and searched the room. When her gaze

finally fell back on Adrian, she spoke. “It’s you, Adrian.”

“Me?”

“Tamara’s a wreck. She’s worried sick. It’s not just about today.

Or last week. Or even last month. Tamara has been looking out for you,

taking care of you, and worrying about you for a long, long time.”

Adrian felt like she’d just been slapped. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying I’m worried about her. I’m worried your friendship is

too codependent.”

“You want me out of her life? Is that what you’re saying?” Her

mind raced and her insides knotted painfully.

“No! No, of course not. I’m not saying that at all.” She looked

alarmed. “Maybe I’m saying this wrong. Please, it’s not like that. I like

you, Adrian, and Tamara loves you.”

Adrian struggled to breathe. Her throat had tightened and

threatened to close off with anger and tears.

Harriet touched her hand. “Oh God, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—

I’m just so bad at this.” She rose and brought Adrian a tissue from the

end table. She sat and gave Adrian a few moments before she continued.

“We’re worried about you. And I think it would help Tamara a great

deal if you started caring about yourself as much as she does.”

The words sent Adrian over into tears. She cried into the heels of

her hands, her body shaking. Harriet slid over to her and wrapped her

arms around her. She didn’t tell her to stop, she just held her and soothed

her. Adrian turned into her and allowed herself to be fully embraced.

She couldn’t control herself and she couldn’t stop. It just came and

came like it had that night after Penny’s. It didn’t hurt her chest as badly

this time, and when she finally managed to stop she felt clearer.

Harriet brought her the tissue box and helped her wipe her face.

“I’m sorry,” Adrian said when she was able to speak. “I know

things need to change. I’m ready for them to change.”

• 215 •

RoniCa BLaCk

“Are you sure? Because you seem really depressed.”

“I have been. The past couple of weeks especially. I just gave up.

On women, on love.”

“On yourself?”

She sucked in a sharp breath. “Yes. God, it hurts to say that.”

“What are you going to do about it?”

Adrian laughed and it burned her throat. “I don’t really know. I

know I don’t want to date. I don’t want to even think about women. But

I don’t really want to think about me, either.”

“It’s okay to think about women,” Harriet said lightly. “Just don’t

go out with a different one every night.”

“No, I’m not. Not at all. Not anymore. I just can’t do it

anymore.”

“But you know you can’t sit in here and waste away, right?”

“Yeah.”

“What do you like to do? What floats your boat? Flips your

switch?”

“Art.”

Harriet patted her leg. “Art’s a start. What else?”

“Music.”

“Go on.”

“Movies. Reading.”

“Do you like to work out?”

“I used to.”

“You should check it out. And look into the other things that you

like too. I have an idea.” She patted her leg again. “Grab your jacket

and put on your shoes.”

“Where are we going?”

“You’ll see.”

v

Harriet made small talk as she drove. Her car smelled like

vanilla, and Adrian was amused at the lazy piles of paperbacks on her

backseat.

“I cleaned out my bookshelves today,” she said. “Those are going

to charity.”

• 216 •

Chasing Love

“You love to read, don’t you?” Adrian asked.

“You have no idea.” She pulled into a large shopping plaza and

parked in front of a popular local bookstore. She killed the engine. “I’m

not the only one.”

Adrian followed her inside and was at once hit with the strong

smell of coffee and books. It made her smile and she wanted to look

around.

“Not yet.” Harriet tugged on her hand, forcing her to focus. “Back

here.” They wove through the store, through dozens of packed shelves,

small, trendy sitting chairs, and several people standing about, leafing

through their next read.

Harriet turned one last corner and Adrian stepped into the children’s

area. Colorful rugs and short tables covered the floor. Yellow bookcases

lined the walls. About a dozen children were sitting near the corner on

one of the rugs. They stirred with excitement when they saw Harriet.

“Hi, guys,” she said. She tugged on Adrian’s jacket, pulling her

next to her.

“What’s going on?” Adrian asked, feeling all the little eyes on

her.

“It’s reading time.”

“Okay.”

“So how about it? Wanna read to them?”

“Me?”

“It’ll be fun.”

Harriet addressed the children. “What do you think, guys? Should

my friend Adrian read the first book?”

“Yes!” Little hands shot up in the air as they cried out.

Harriet gave Adrian a wink and helped her out of her jacket. Then

she handed over a book. “Go get ’em, tiger.”

Adrian’s skin burned. She was nervous, but not with fear. It was

shyness and insecurity.

“Okay, everybody, let’s quiet down so we can hear Adrian. This is

her first time reading, so let’s encourage her to be loud and clear.” She

gave Adrian a nod and stood in the back.

Adrian settled down on the stool and opened the book. She cleared

her throat and breathed deep, then started reading. She paused at the

end of every page and showed them the pictures. The kids oohed and

• 217 •

RoniCa BLaCk

ahhed and laughed and giggled. Adrian laughed along with them at

some points and as she reached the end of the story she found herself

totally relaxed and…moved.

The kids clapped as Harriet came over. To Adrian’s surprise, she

hugged her.

“That’s the first time I’ve ever seen you truly lit up from the inside,

Adrian.” She pulled away and held her face. “Hold on to that.”

Adrian nodded, unable to speak. Tears threatened again.

“You up for another one?”

Adrian wiped her cheeks. “Yes!”

She took the next book and the kids cheered as she settled down

on the stool.

She read with more emphasis and even lightened her voice as she

read the characters’ dialogue. The kids ate it up and as she caught their

smiles and contagious giggles she felt it deep inside and knew Harriet

was right.

And she wasn’t going to let it go.

• 218 •

Chasing Love

ChapteR twenty-FouR

The coffee shop was strong-smelling, warm, and thankfully, not

very crowded. Adrian sipped her mocha and ran her fingers

across the smooth page of her paperback. She’d started the book the

day before and she’d hardly been able to put it down. It was one Harriet

had given her. Lesbian fiction. A mystery.

She’d tried the romances but she hadn’t quite been ready for those

yet. The idealism was still too far-fetched for her and she’d found

herself feeling cynical. So she’d left the box of books alone for a few

more days before returning to it and deciding to try a mystery. She was

glad she did, very much liking the way she could relate to the main

character.

A small beep sounded as the door to the coffee shop opened.

Adrian set her book aside and stood.

“Mom.” She rounded the table and hugged her, kissing her briefly

on the cheek. “Thanks for coming.”

“Thanks for calling. I really didn’t think you would.”

They sat and Adrian watched as her mother hung her heavy-

looking purse on the back of the chair. Then she eased out of her dark

wool coat. The same coat she’d worn for the past ten years. It had large

round black buttons and it scratched Adrian’s cheek every time she

hugged her. It also smelled like her mother’s perfume, which she found

soothing.

A short, young waitress came and asked for her mother’s order. She

scribbled it furiously on a thick pad and hurried behind the counter.

“You know, you should really try something different,” Adrian

said.

• 219 •

RoniCa BLaCk

“I like what I like,” her mother said, spreading her palms flat on

the table top. She was nicely dressed as always in a lavender silk blouse

and cream-colored cardigan. This time the pearls were in her earlobes.

“Coffee, black, one sugar?”

“You’re making fun of me.” She laughed.

“Not at all. It’s you. I like that.”

Adrian sipped her mocha. It was after seven on a weeknight and

she was a little surprised her mother had agreed to come.

“How’s Louis?”

“Why?” Her fingers curled, intertwining.

Adrian set down her mug. “Just asking.”

“You never ask about Louis.”

“You aren’t going to tell me?”

“He’s fine.”

Adrian nodded once. “Anything wrong?”

Her mother tensed. “Why does something have to be wrong?”

“I don’t know. You’re out with me after five. He demands his

dinner at six thirty with you sitting directly across from him.”

Her mother looked away.

“Mom?”

“Can’t we just enjoy this time?”

Adrian cupped her warm mug, studying her. Something was going

on. Quickly she scanned her mother’s face and neck for signs of injury.

As far as she knew, he’d never struck her mother before, but he did

manhandle her and push her around. To Adrian’s relief she saw nothing

but smooth, pale skin as her mother turned to meet her gaze again.

“Okay, Mom. Let’s enjoy our time. It is why I asked you here, you

know. So we’d have some time without him.”

Her mother seemed to relax a little. “I see you’ve been reading.”

“Yes. Just started back up.” She slid it across the table. “It’s really

interesting. It’s about a detective. A lesbian detective.”

“Really?”

“Yes. And it’s really good.”

“I didn’t know they had books like that.”

“Me neither. The world’s changing.”

“I guess it is.” She lifted the book and skimmed through the pages,

then returned it to the table.

• 220 •

Chasing Love

“I remembered the other day, while I was reading, how much you

used to like to read.”

“Oh, I used to love it.”

“Then why aren’t you doing it anymore?” She’d stopped years

ago. Adrian knew because her books had suddenly been boxed up and

stacked in the garage.

“I just lost interest.” Her eyes were soulful. They always had been.

Which was why she always looked away. She knew Adrian could read

her.

“Maybe you should start back up.”

To Adrian’s continued surprise, she didn’t argue.

“Maybe.” A single finger lifted, then fell.

Usually, she was wringing her hands, holding to them fiercely. She

smiled at the waitress when she arrived with her coffee. She sipped it

right away. What was up?

“You look well, Adrian. What’s changed?”

Adrian drank from her own mug. “A lot.”

“Oh?”

“Where should I start?”

“Wherever you like I suppose.”

“You act like you have all the time in the world.” She chuckled.

Her mother simply looked at her.

“Seriously, what time do you need to be home?” The whole point

of their meeting outside the house was so it wouldn’t upset Louis. She

wanted the least amount of confrontation possible. For herself and for

her mother.

“Not too late.” She didn’t seem concerned.

“Louis didn’t give you a time?” He always gave a time. For when

she shopped, when she shit, for everything.

“No.”

Adrian pushed her mug away and looked around quickly. “You

didn’t kill him, did you, Mom?” She was half kidding but when her

mother looked like she might crumple, she grew very concerned. “What

is it?” She gripped her hand. “Are you okay? Did he—” She looked

around again making sure no one was listening. “Did he hurt you?”

Her mother shook and cried.

“I’ll kill him,” Adrian whispered. She’d worked through a lot of

• 221 •

RoniCa BLaCk

her issues with Louis recently through her art, but the thought of him

physically hurting her mother still sent her over the edge.

“No.” She covered her mouth, trying to get control of herself. “He

didn’t touch me.”

“What did he say?”

“He didn’t do anything.” She sobbed. “He left.”

Adrian wasn’t sure she heard right. “He what?”

“He left.” She cried some more and wiped her eyes with a paper

napkin.

Adrian blinked and sat back in her chair. “Well, where did he

go?”

“To her house.”

“Her?”

“Yes, that woman he’s been seeing. That Claire Ann.”

Adrian wasn’t following. She’d suspected Louis for years, having

caught him in several lies. But actually hearing it was another thing.

“How did you find out?”

“Oh, the whole town knows. It’s been going on for over a year.”

“Did you…know the whole time?” It seemed incredible, but

nothing was out of the question when it came to her mother and Louis.

“Yes. I knew soon enough. When he started wearing that god-

awful cologne, I knew he was at it again.”

“Again?”

Her mother blew her nose with a tissue she fished out of her

purse.

Adrian wasn’t sure what to say. She watched her mother fidget for

a while, hands digging in her purse. She eventually came up with some

TicTacs, popping one in her mouth.

“So he’s gone?”

She nodded. “He moved out last week.”

Adrian’s eyes grew wide. “He moved out?”

“Yes.”

“Holy shit, Mom. Why didn’t you call me?”

“Because I wasn’t yet sure he meant it. I—”

“What? What aren’t you telling me?”

“I almost killed him, Adrian.” She swallowed the last word and

gripped the table.

• 222 •

Chasing Love

“What?”

“It was either him or me. I just couldn’t take it anymore. He had

come home and found me quilting and he ripped it from my hands and

took a knife to it. It was the one I was making for you, and I—he ran

with it to the cellar door and threatened to go put it in the furnace.”

She stopped, swallowing back more sobs. “And I just lost it, Adrian. I

wanted to push him down the stairs. I wanted to kill him.”

Adrian squeezed her hand. “But you didn’t, Mom.”

“I wanted to. More than anything. And I told him so.”

“What happened?”

“He laughed and came at me. Blew his breath in my face. I didn’t

back down. I looked him straight in the eye and told him I would do it.

If not the stairs, then while he slept. I’d had enough.”

“Mom—”

“I think he knew I meant it. He tossed the quilt aside and said good

riddance. He had somewhere he’d rather be anyway. But he made it

clear he was leaving me. Not the other way around.”

“That’s fine. Anyway he goes, we’ll take it.” She patted her hand.

“Why didn’t you call me, Mom?”

“You just would’ve told me you told me so.”

“Like hell!” She laughed. “I would’ve thrown a fucking party is

what I would’ve done.”

“Shh! Adrian.”

“I don’t think you understand how good this is, Mom. You’re

free.”

“I nearly killed my husband and he left me for a tramp.”

“I don’t care if he left you for the devil himself. He left. And will

you stop saying that? You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I thought about it and that’s bad enough.”

“Jesus, Mom, I’ve been fantasizing about it for years. And so has

every other human being in Louis’s life. Give yourself a break.” She

palmed her mug again, thinking. “You don’t think he’ll come back do

you?”

“He took his things. His tools. Everything. He’s gone for good.”

Adrian suddenly imagined him coming back after fighting with

the new woman. She also imagined him changing his mind as soon as

he got wind her mother was moving on.

• 223 •

RoniCa BLaCk

“Maybe you should come stay with me. In case he tries to

come back. Or what if he starts drinking again and shows up in his

underwear?”

“He moved to California.”

“Cali—”

“And I have to sell the house. It’s part of the divorce agreement.”

Adrian sat dumbfounded. “Where are you going to go?”

Her mother shrugged, chewing on the mint. “I’ll get a little

apartment somewhere. Someplace nice.”

“Maybe near me?”

Her mother focused on her again. “I’d like that.”

“Me too.”

• 224 •

Chasing Love

ChapteR twenty-Five

The class was buzzing with excitement, dozens of pairs of

hands molding and massaging clay. It was the last session,

and most were talking about how they wanted to continue on with

Morresay’s next class, where they would focus more on each medium.

Adrian was considering taking the class, too, already having passed up

Morresay’s offer on the life art class. It had already started, and even

though Tamara had continued to try to get her to go, she’d said no, still

unsure of herself around Morresay.

But still, she enjoyed art more than she ever could’ve imagined.

It was like being in her own world with the sounds muted and reality

smeared. Only this world was completely under her control and she

had full function of her mind and body. And this connection she had

between her mind and hand…it was almost magic, and she was unsure

where it came from. Her mind just somehow knew exactly what to do,

where color needed to go, what finger would smudge just right, and

what to try when the answer wasn’t there.

It was a miracle. Her miracle.

At least she thought. Until now.

While everyone else chatted and created little dogs or human

figures, she sat playing with a lump.

“Nothing’s coming to me,” she finally said to Tamara, who was

molding what looked like a rose.

“How come?”

“I don’t know.”

“Are you feeling okay?”

• 225 •

RoniCa BLaCk

That was just it. She’d been feeling great. Better than she’d ever

felt. “Yeah.”

“Maybe you’re tap’s dry today. It happens to the best you know.”

“Maybe I’m just not going to be able to use clay.”

She watched Tamara, moved by her precision. She was rolling out

thin, delicate pieces then cutting them and wrapping them carefully to

the layer before.

“Why another rose?” Adrian asked.

“Harriet bought me one yesterday. A small white one. Said it

represented…” She stopped suddenly and pretended to concentrate. It

was obviously a private thing. She changed the subject. “Harriet said

you’re doing great with the kids. I’ll have to come watch next time.”

“It’s fun.” She’d been three times to Harriet’s bookstore to read for

the children. She’d also signed up to be a reading mentor on Fridays. It

was a program at the local elementary schools where volunteers came to

help children read one-on-one. Harriet suggested it and did it herself.

“She said you’re in the store quite a bit too.”

“I was. But all those books started killing my bank account. I had

to get a library card.”

“She’s got more she’s ready to give you.”

“Really?” She smiled. “I need to get her something nice. For all

that she’s done for me.”

“You already have.” Tamara winked. “Me.”

Adrian groaned. “Ugh, God. Was I really that bad? So bad that she

was worried about you worrying about me?”

“It was pretty bad. I just…I didn’t think you cared about yourself

or your future.”

“I was trying to find what you had found. What everyone else had

seemed to find.”

“But you’re doing fine without a woman. That’s what I wanted

you to see. You only need you.”

“I know.” She pressed her thumb into her wad of clay. “I understand

now exactly what you meant.” She’d been spending a lot of time on her

own the past few weeks, not purposely leaving Tamara alone, but really

just discovering herself and doing things she was interested in doing.

“You’re doing great, Adrian. I’ve never seen you more content

and…at ease with yourself. Really.”

She gave her that “you know I mean it so you better accept it”

• 226 •

Chasing Love

look. “So now if and when love calls, you’ll stand a really good chance

at a healthy relationship.”

“I’m not even thinking about love.” The statement wasn’t entirely

true. The concept of love and lifelong companionship had eked its way

back into her mind.

Her gaze drifted once again to Morresay. She had moved from

her desk and she stood at a nearby table. She had on worn-looking

black jeans tucked into fur lined boots. Her sweater looked soft and

it matched her eyes. A gold ring dangled from a chain on her neck as

she bent to examine a woman’s work. Adrian hadn’t seen her wear it

before and she didn’t want to think what it might represent or to whom

it belonged.

“Are you giving up?” Tamara asked.

“I did a long time ago,” she said softly, thinking of Morresay.

“Huh?”

Adrian focused back on her piece of clay. “I mean, no.” She trimmed

around the thumb print and held it up for Tamara’s inspection.

“Your fingerprint?”

Adrian nodded. She now knew exactly who she was and what she

needed in life. “Not just my print…my identity.”

• 227 •

• 228 •

Chasing Love

ChapteR twenty-six

Her grandmother’s hands. Adrian had always been fascinated

by them. She sat huddled at a corner table in the coffee shop,

sketching the hands from memory. She’d loved everything about them,

from the deep grooves in the pads of her fingers to the soft slippery skin

on the back of her hand. She didn’t know why she’d thought of her, but

she guessed it probably had something to do with her nieces, whom

she’d spoken to earlier in the day. It had been wonderful and energizing

to hear their voices. It filled a part of her she hadn’t even realized was

empty and she’d promised to call again real soon. It wasn’t as good as

seeing them, but it would do.

“You should’ve molded those with the clay.”

Adrian looked up, startled. Morresay was smiling softly.

“May I?”

Adrian stood a little and gestured toward the chair. “Please.”

Morresay settled in and Adrian blinked a few times, having trouble

believing it was actually her. She looked beautiful in a loose peasant

blouse and tight jeans. The necklace was no longer around her neck.

She pointed at Adrian’s sketch.

“Someone you know?”

“My grandmother.” She closed the sketch book, suddenly

modest.

“The clay,” she said. “That’s a good idea. I was going to ask you

what was going on the other night. I noticed you were having trouble.

Was everything okay?”

“I just wasn’t feeling it at first. And when I did come up with

something it felt way too easy.”

• 229 •

RoniCa BLaCk

“I’ve been there. I think it’s a form of writer’s block.”

“Feels like it.”

“Everything else you’ve done has been really good. And I see

you’re still working even though class is over.”

Adrian caught a quick flash of pain in her eyes. It was gone so

quickly she stared at her, wondering if she’d seen it at all.

“I meant to thank you the other day,” Adrian said. “For all your

help and everything. But you were swamped with people.”

Morresay smiled. “Yes, everyone was saying good-bye.”

“Everyone really liked you,” Adrian added and then felt a flicker

of embarrassment.

“I don’t know about everyone,” she said softly. “In any case, you’re

very welcome. Although I’m not sure I helped you all that much.”

“You did.”

Morresay glanced down at the table and Adrian searched for

something to say in the heavy silence.

“I’ve been drawing quite a bit. Mostly with charcoal.”

It seemed to do the trick because Morresay looked back up with

hopeful eyes. “Are you enjoying it?”

“Oh, yes.” She cleared her throat, feeling a bit exposed by her

eager answer.

Morresay chuckled and then stared at Adrian’s hand for a moment.

Then, slowly, she pressed her hand over hers. “You don’t have to hide

your feelings for art, Adrian. It’s okay to let me know you’re liking

it.”

“I do like it,” she said, hoping Morresay couldn’t feel the tremble

rushing through her. She stared into her eyes, her skin burning so

sweetly she almost teared. She opened her mouth to tell her, to ask

her if she was married, to ask her if she felt the same. But she halted,

remembering that life wasn’t fiction. Even if it set your heart aflame

and caused everything you were made of to combust and come alive.

Quickly and oh so gently, she pulled her hand away. Morresay

moved hers as well and appeared flustered and even embarrassed.

Adrian struggled to make her feel better. She wanted her to know she

did indeed like her. She just couldn’t…touch her.

“You’ve been drawing as well.” Adrian pointed to her hand.

She studied her fingertips. “I should’ve washed them. I’m sure I

look filthy.”

• 230 •

Chasing Love

“I like it,” Adrian said. Morresay’s eyes darted to hers and she

hurried to explain. “I like to leave it on. I like the way it smells.”

Adrian could feel the heat from her gaze. It was as if she were

opening Adrian up and touching her with liquid hot hands. Examining

her insides like the pieces of a long lost treasure.

“What can I get you?” the waitress asked. It was the same one

Adrian saw each visit. Her name was Brittney, and today she didn’t

seem too keen on being at the shop.

Morresay smiled at her and then thought for a moment. “Tea. With

skim milk please.”

Brittney didn’t bother to write it down before she walked away.

“She’s usually friendlier,” Adrian said.

“You come here a lot?”

“Only recently.”

Morresay took in their surroundings. “I got tired of Starbucks and

decided to try something different today.”

“On a quest for tea?”

“No. I’d actually wanted a Frappuccino.”

“Why didn’t you get one?”

“I don’t know. I guess I got cold.”

Adrian felt her mouth go dry. She pretended to sip her coffee,

though it was long gone.

“So what do you do, Adrian? Aside from drawing? God, I can’t

believe I just asked that. Don’t you hate the way our identities consist

solely of what job we do?”

“Yes, I guess I do. But then again, my job isn’t exactly impressive.

I think if it were I’d mention it more often.” She grimaced. “What does

that say about me?”

Morresay laughed. “I guess it says you’re normal. And not very

secure about your job. Do you enjoy it?”

“Not really.” She fidgeted with a sugar packet. “I was always

taught you had to grow up and work hard. I was never told I had to

like it.”

“I know what you mean. My grandparents were that way. Worked

their fingers to the bone at back-breaking jobs for next to nothing for

years. They never understood the idea of college or actually doing

something you enjoyed. I think they were right in many ways, but I

learned from their mistakes too.”

• 231 •

RoniCa BLaCk

“What about your parents?”

“Are you kidding? They’d rather die than work like that, scrubbing

someone else’s floor for pennies. They were of free mind and spirit and

did just about everything they could to not emulate their parents.” She

paused as Brittney arrived with her tea. She thanked her and dipped the

bag in the hot water, bobbing it. “In other words…they were hippies.”

“Really?”

“Uh-huh. And I’m not talking the weekend hippies either. I’m

talking full-blown. How do you think I got my name?” She chuckled.

“I think my dad said he saw it on a street sign one day and decided he

liked it as a name.”

Adrian laughed. “So what was it like? Growing up like that?”

Louis had hated the whole hippie movement and its leftovers. He’d

bitched about it for years.

“It was quite nice.” She poured in her milk and stirred. “They

moved away from the commune before I was born, so I grew up in a

small house out in the country. I had a very good childhood. Got to see

a lot of places, meet a lot of people. We always had friends, and there

was always someone over. We grew our own food and gave back to the

community. My father rescued animals and I got to help him a lot. And

then of course there was art.”

Adrian almost sighed. It sounded so wonderful and free. She

would’ve given anything to grow up like that.

“What about you? You look almost dreamy.”

Adrian was leaning on her hand, imagining a childhood different

than her own. “Sorry?”

“Where did you go?” She laughed and clinked her spoon on her

mug to shake off the excess tea. When she brought the mug to her

mouth, Adrian had to look away.

“I got caught up in your story.”

“It wasn’t really a story.” She looked at her expectantly over the

rim of the mug.

“It was to me.” She sat back and pushed out a long breath. “Do

you want the nice version or the not-so-nice version?”

“I want all the gory details.”

“Oh God.”

“It’s that bad?” She set down her mug and her smile fell. “I’m

sorry. You don’t have to tell me anything.”

• 232 •

Chasing Love

“I can tell you. It really wasn’t all that terrible. Not at first. My

mother raised my sister and me after our father died suddenly of an

aneurism. We did okay for a while but then the bills became too much

and Mom couldn’t do it anymore. She started dating, saying she needed

help and companionship. I swear she must’ve married the first one she

met. His name is Louis.”

“I’m so sorry. That must’ve been hard to lose your dad like that.”

“It was. It was really hard. But luckily I had my mother and my

older sister.”

“Until Louis?”

Adrian nodded, a little surprised that she was sharing all this. A

tiny part of her still felt like her mother. Like she had to hide things

and make it all look nice and normal. Ugh. She hated that part of her.

Wanted to scream at it. “Louis was a harmless drunk at first. If a drunk

can be considered harmless. Life wasn’t horrible. Crazy and a little

sloppy maybe, but not horrible.”

Morresay nodded, listening intently.

“And then he got sober.” She studied her hand, unable to keep

looking at Morresay.

“And things got bad?”

“Yeah.”

“How bad?”

“He became a monster. One hell-bent on control and cruelty.”

To Adrian’s relief, Brittney refilled her mug. Adrian held it to her

lip and blew some air across the surface. As she did so, her gaze fell

into Morresay’s. It was warm and kind and encouraging, asking Adrian

to push the door to her heart open just a little bit further. Adrian took a

brave sip of hot coffee and continued.

“Our lives became totally and completely his. He was God in any

and all ways. Mother never stood up to him. Ever. And we weren’t

allowed to. If we did we were verbally and mentally tortured by him

and then ignored by my mother.” She paused. “Needless to say, I got

out as soon as I could.”

“And your mother?”

“She’s…she’s okay now. They just recently split.”

“Are you okay?”

“I wasn’t, no. But I am now.”

“Things like that have a way of hanging on to us.”

• 233 •

RoniCa BLaCk

“Yes, they do.”

“That’s why art is so important to me. It’s helped me through a lot.

I can see it’s helped you too.”

She sipped her tea, watching Adrian closely.

“That’s why you started the class?”

“Mmm.” She nodded, keeping her hands warm with her cup.

“I teach art at the middle school. But I wanted something different.

Something less restrained. Something you can’t really teach.” Her

eyes danced. “So I thought on it a while and decided to offer a class

for women. One based on art and pure expression. I didn’t want to

follow the standard teaching methods. I wanted my students to learn

themselves as they went. To not worry about whether they were doing it

correctly or not. Of course, I’d be there to help and guide, but I wanted

it to be freeing and therapeutic.”

“I think you’ve succeeded.”

“You think so?”

“I know so.”

Morresay drank some more tea. “Are you going to tell me what

you do for a living? Or am I being too nosy.”

Adrian smiled. She felt like she could tell her anything. “There’s

not much to tell. I work at an auto parts shop. I do a bit of everything,

but mainly I work behind the scenes on the computer or in the

warehouse.”

“How long have you been doing that?”

“Since high school.”

“Wow. And you don’t enjoy it?”

“I did at first. I liked having the freedom from Louis and the ability

to make my own money. But it got old fast. Every day is the same. In

some ways, that’s comforting. In others, it’s boring.”

“Ever think about changing? Doing something different?”

Adrian almost said “like what?” but stopped herself. “Not until

recently.”

Morresay smiled. “Don’t worry. I won’t bother you about art

anymore.”

“You didn’t bother me. I’ve heard everything you’ve said.”

She nodded. “Okay, that’s good to know.”

“I didn’t mean to be weird about it. I just…I’ve been going through

some stuff…life-changing stuff and—”

• 234 •

Chasing Love

She held up a hand. “Adrian, you don’t have to explain. Just

knowing you heard me and considered it is enough.”

She took another sip of her tea and glanced at her watch. “I’m

sorry. I have to go. I’m late.” She stood and dug money out of her jeans

pocket. She looked at Adrian suddenly as if something had just come

to mind. “You’re not going to that art class I was telling you about, are

you?”

“The life art?”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Didn’t think so.” She counted out some ones and left them next

to her cup. “It was nice seeing you.”

“You too.”

She made a move like she was going to hug Adrian but then

thought better of it and stuck out her hand.

Adrian shook it and felt that instant rush of heat and knowing

and understanding again. She clenched her jaw, forcing away her rising

blush. Morresay must’ve seen her expression change because she

released her hand, gave a nervous wave, and hurried away.

Adrian watched her go, more shook up and moved by her than

ever.

• 235 •

• 236 •

Chasing Love

ChapteR twenty-seven

Friday evening Adrian found herself at her kitchen table

working the clay into the form of her grandmother’s hand.

She had a bowl of water, the tabletop covered in newspaper and a

loose pile of toothpicks. She’d been at it for over an hour when Tamara

called.

Adrian put the call on speaker and turned down her stereo. She

was listening to Norah Jones and thoroughly enjoying it. She no longer

felt the need for “Cold” although she still loved the song.

“Hey, A. Wanted to see what you were up to.”

“Same old, same old.”

“Drawing?”

“Nah, I’m working with the clay tonight.”

“I don’t know how you have any creative energy left. You’re at it

all the time.”

“It’s not always there. This clay thing has been bugging me, but

someone gave me a new idea to try out.”

“Listen, Harriet wanted to know if you’d come to dinner next

Saturday.”

Really? She was going to paint. Start in on a canvas for Benny.

“I’m not sure.”

“Harriet’s starting to think you’ll never come.”

“I see Harriet all the time. She knows I love her.”

“So come over.”

“I’ll try.”

“You still need to make sure you have a social life.”

“I do. Sort of.”

• 237 •

RoniCa BLaCk

“Some adult lesbian time will do you good.”

“Sounds kinky.”

“Just come.”

“That sounds kinky too.” She laughed at herself.

“You’re reading too many of those damn books.”

They both laughed.

“Are you going to play with clay all night?” Tamara asked.

Adrian started to answer her but then remembered. A quick glance

at the clock sent her panicking. She’d been thinking about it since her

run in with Morresay at the coffee shop.

“Oh shit, T, I have to go.”

“Why? I thought you were going to stay home.”

“Not tonight.”

There was a pause.

“I’ll explain later. Bye.”

Ten minutes later she was showered, dressed and out the door.

She made it to the college in the nick of time, trotting inside the large

classroom with five minutes to spare. She folded the printed-out e-mail

with the class information Morresay had sent a while back and shoved

it into her jacket pocket.

The room was a good-sized lecture hall with a stage up front.

Easels were arranged in a half-circle in front of it. A few students were

sitting at them, touching up drawings and talking quietly.

Adrian felt a little uneasy and glanced around quickly for Morresay.

To her dismay she didn’t see her and she hoped she’d come tonight.

Adrian had wanted to surprise her, feeling guilty about not showing

any interest in anything she’d suggested. She’d learned recently that

sometimes even doing just the little things made those around you feel

cared about and heard. Morresay deserved to be heard. And she needed

to know that Adrian did appreciate her effort.

She walked slowly down the steps toward the front. A man in a

sweater vest and eyeglasses saw her and approached. He whispered like

they were in a library.

“Can I help you?”

“I…Morresay asked me to come?”

He nodded like she’d just relayed something to him in secret

code. “We don’t have any extra easels, I’m afraid. Unless Morresay

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brings hers. Would you like to sit and observe?” He gestured toward a

seat in the front row.

She agreed softly and slid into the desk. The man moved about

and brought out a tripod. He placed it in the center of the room, up on

the first step. Then he attached a small video camera and turned it on.

A large screen lowered from the ceiling and an image of the stage came

to life.

Adrian grew a little uneasy, staring at the nude figures on the

students’ easels. She realized what the class was and the words “Life

Art” sang throughout her head. She wiped her palms on her jeans and

looked again for Morresay. Would she sit next to her? Would she draw?

Would the model be a woman?

The main doors leading onto the stage opened and Morresay

hurried in. Adrian shifted in her seat and almost waved. But Morresay

disappeared quickly behind a folding dressing screen.

And suddenly it hit her and her heart nearly jumped from her chest.

She half stood, wanting to flee, but the lights came on, illuminating the

stage, causing the few wandering students to hustle to their easels and

get seated. A hush fell over the class and the quiet man smiled at her

and nodded. “I don’t believe she brought her easel. Did you want some

paper?”

She shook her head and sank back into her seat, feeling trapped

and helpless. He slid into the seat next to her and opened a leather

briefcase. He began mindlessly flipping through papers.

Adrian tried to control her breathing, but when Morresay emerged

wearing a white satin robe she nearly choked. She felt the man look at

her and she coughed a little and covered her mouth. Her flesh burned

so bad she thought for sure the man could feel it. It nearly caught fire

when Morresay spotted her and hesitated. Adrian looked down at the

desk, hand on her forehead.

This was why Morresay had asked if she was coming the other

night.

Oh God.

Or wait? Had she wanted her to come? Was this why she had

recommended it? She looked up as a student rustled with his paper. He

was flipping through his pad and Adrian saw drawings of a nude male

as well as a female. Morresay hadn’t been modeling all along. They’d

had others modeling.

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Meaning Morresay probably wanted to make sure Adrian wasn’t

here on the nights she did model.

Oh God. She didn’t want me here. Holy fuck.

Morresay kept her eyes toward the left side of the room. She

disrobed and stepped into the brighter light. Adrian’s heart surged in

her ears. She tried to look away, to stare at the desk, but the man would

see her and wonder why. She allowed herself to look at Morresay’s

face. Her cheeks were scarlet. Adrian looked up and caught sight of her

on the huge screen. She could see the pulse jumping in her neck.

She buried her head in her hand again and prayed. She prayed

for the class to be over. For the fire alarm to go off. For something,

anything.

The man next to her rose and for a second she thought maybe her

prayers had been answered. But he only moved to the video camera,

zooming it in farther. Adrian sank lower in her seat but the image was

there, right in front of her, bright and clear.

She swallowed hard as her gaze traveled up Morresay’s

beautifully long legs to her pale, delicate hips, up the slight curves of

her torso to her taut breasts, which moved ever so slightly with her

rapid breathing. The bright pink areolas tightened suddenly, and her

nipples hardened.

Adrian’s breath shook in her chest. Blood rushed madly to every

last nerve ending, and suddenly she couldn’t bear to look away. She

moved her hand slightly and stared openly at the screen, like a long-

suffering soul viewing heaven for the first time. She stared, insatiable.

Morresay kept her gaze away, allowing Adrian free rein. And free rein

she took.

A timer sounded and Adrian tensed. The students all flipped to

a new page and Morresay moved. Adrian’s heart hammered as she

turned, this time facing Adrian. She pulled her hair back and tied it

off, then arched her back a little and placed her hand slightly over her

breast. Adrian looked away for a moment, and when she looked back,

Morresay was staring right at her.

Adrian squeezed the desk and looked away again, embarrassed

and ashamed of herself. Morresay would surely understand. But when

she looked back again Morresay was still watching her. Looking her

dead in the eyes.

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Adrian glanced up at the screen, hoping it would help, but it only

made it worse. She could see clearly Morresay’s racing pulse, her

swollen lips, her crimson cheeks, her riveting gaze. She was watching

Morresay stare at her.

Adrian shifted again, unable to get comfortable. Even though

Morresay was naked and under the lights, she felt like the one under

a microscope. She cleared her throat again and tensed as the man next

to her continued to flip pages. She could hear every small noise in the

room. A timer sounded again. Sooner this time.

Morresay moved. This time opening her legs a little more. Adrian

stared at the small patch of golden hairs. Morresay’s slender fingers

slid down her hip to cover it. Adrian nearly groaned and she crossed

her own legs, trying to stop the rushing of arousal pounding toward her

center.

Morresay never looked away from her, and when Adrian glanced

back up at the screen she saw her lick her lips.

Oh fuck.

The eyes flashed. And did her hand move? Just ever so slightly

against her patch of hair?

Adrian kept telling herself she was imagining it. Kept telling

herself Morresay was just doing what she was supposed to be doing.

But as Adrian looked directly at her again, there was no denying

the heat coming from Morresay. It hit her like an invisible wave,

pressing her to her seat, insisting she melt down into it while she sat

there and watched, forced to stare into the most dangerous eclipse she

could ever imagine.

The timer sounded again and Morresay stood. The students stood

as well, and stretched and chatted. Morresay slipped on her robe and

disappeared once again behind the screen. Adrian rose, feeling like

she had to peel herself from the seat. The man was with the students,

going over their work. Quickly, she hustled up the stairs and exited the

classroom.

The cold air jammed into her and she huddled against it, hurrying

to her car. Her skin still burned despite the frigid cold and it wasn’t

until she actually went for her car keys that she realized she’d left her

jacket behind.

“You forgot this,” Morresay said.

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Adrian stilled, hand on her door handle. “I didn’t know you would

be—” She turned.

Morresay moved closer, holding out her jacket. Her face still

looked flushed and she still had that hungry, confrontational look about

her.

“I know.”

“I’m sorry.” Adrian took her jacket but didn’t feel the need to slip

it on. She was still fevered and shook up.

The parking lot was dark and still around them. Eerie. Like the

perfect stage for this long-awaited moment.

“Sorry for what?” She stepped closer.

“For…you know.”

“For looking at me?” She took another step.

Adrian inched back, feeling the car against her. “Yes.”

“Did you not like it?”

She didn’t know what to say. “I—”

“Because I liked it. And I liked looking at you.” She touched

her face and Adrian surged with heat and life. It was a hundred times

stronger than any fire she’d ever felt before, like the waves were solar

and shooting out from the sun itself. Morresay felt her respond, Adrian

could see it in her eyes and she stepped into her, kissing her quickly.

Adrian was completely still. The moment seemed surreal. But

then Morresay moaned softly and Adrian lost it. She pulled her closer

and returned the kiss, capturing her impossibly hot lips again and again

with her own. Morresay pushed into her. When her tongue came, Adrian

groaned as if it had touched her clit and she spun Morresay, pinning her

to the car. She kissed her deeply then, and held her, wanting her so

badly, every last inch of her. Wanting to touch her, taste her, devour

her. Wanting to touch and taste all the parts she’d been captivated and

stirred by in the classroom.

“Your hand,” Adrian said, remembering. She brought it to her

face, the hand warm and slender and nearly feather light in her palm.

She rested it against her lips and kissed, recalling the way it had pushed

against her golden patch of hair. She snuck out her tongue, desperate

for a taste.

Morresay’s breath hitched and she jerked her hand away and

grabbed Adrian’s.

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“I’m losing control,” she said, tugging Adrian to her. “I want you

so bad.” She pushed Adrian’s hand into her loose jeans.

“Oh fuck.” Adrian hissed as she felt her fervent, slick flesh. They

collided in a fierce kiss, sucking and nibbling, holding lips captive with

teeth.

Feeling her so wet and ready and gliding so easily beneath her

fingertips, Adrian pushed herself up inside her, curling her two fingers

snug against her walls.

The sound Morresay let out was primal and erotic. And suddenly

Adrian realized what they were doing. And where. She slid her fingers

out and pulled away, her head spinning.

Morresay made a small whimper of protest as their bodies came

apart. She was breathless as she adjusted herself and picked up Adrian’s

fallen jacket.

“Are you okay?” she asked softly.

Adrian was pacing. “I can’t do this.”

“Why?”

Adrian felt the hurt rising, the disappointment right on its tail.

“The man. The man on your desk—the man I saw you with—”

“The man on my desk?”

“The photo. Who is he?” She stilled, waiting for an answer. The

bitter cold started to seep into her skin.

Morresay’s face fell. She crossed her arms. “Let’s go somewhere

and talk.”

Adrian knew what it meant, and the hurt was more than she

could’ve imagined.

“I don’t want to.” It was just better not to know. To just cut and

run.

“I don’t want to do this here.”

“I don’t want to do it at all.” She opened her car door but Morresay

stopped her, holding her arm.

“Please, Adrian. Come talk to me. I’m not going to let you get

away this time.”

“But you’re—”

“Follow me. To my house. Please.”

“No one is there?”

She looked confused by the question. “No.”

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“No one will show up while I’m there?”

“No.” She gripped her harder. “I swear to you we will just talk. No

one is going to hurt you.”

She touched her face and Adrian felt that raging burning and

stirring of life. No one had ever had that effect on her before. It scared

the hell out of her just as much as it moved her.

“Okay.”

“Thank you.” She hurried toward her car and Adrian followed her

closely, driving to near where Tamara lived.

The house was a little bigger than Tamara’s with a garage, a

steeped roof, and two front windows. A little courtyard protected the

front door. Morresay closed the garage door behind Adrian and led her

into the house.

It smelled of warmth and spice and Adrian stood in shock as she

took in the sitting room with the great brick fireplace and high-backed

reading chair. It was just like the room in her fantasy.

“Would you mind if I start a fire?” Morresay asked.

Adrian shook her head.

“Please have a seat.”

Adrian sat on the brown leather love seat across from the chair.

She took in the beautiful oriental rug, the brown glass shaded lamps,

and the framed charcoal drawings on the wall. A radio was playing light

rock softly from somewhere nearby.

“Are those yours?” she asked as Morresay stood, pointing to

the drawings. She nearly caught her breath as the firelight framed her

form.

“No.”

“Where are yours?”

“In my studio.”

“Why don’t you hang them?”

Morresay laughed softly as she sat next to her. “I have. I have

some in my room.”

Adrian flushed and looked toward the fire. Her heart jumped to

her throat as she saw another framed photo of the same man on the

mantel.

“Is he your husband?” she finally asked.

There was a long silence and Adrian felt Morresay’s hand rest on

her thigh. She felt her move closer.

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“Is that why you’ve been avoiding me? You thought I was

married?”

Adrian got lost in her sparkling eyes. The flames from the fire

danced in them.

“Are you?”

“No.”

“Divorced?”

She smiled slightly. “No.”

“Boyfriend? Ex-boyfriend?”

She laughed. “No and no.”

“Then who is he? I saw you hugging him in the parking lot one

day after class.”

“He is Malachy. My brother.” She squeezed her hand. “He doesn’t

live here, and the day you saw us he’d just arrived and he’d driven to

the school to surprise me.”

Adrian glanced back at the photo. His hair was a bit darker than

Morresay’s and the eyes were different. But as she looked closer she

saw that the smile was the same.

“I feel really stupid.”

“Don’t.”

Adrian stared into her once again. “I acted like a real ass.”

“You had reason to. I can see why you suspected that.”

“What about the ring you wore around your neck…”

“Ahh.” She closed her eyes briefly. “That ring was my father’s. I

wear it every year on his birthday. He died five years ago.”

“I—I’m sorry.”

Morresay gripped her hand and squeezed. “Now you know my

secret. Why don’t you tell me yours?”

“I’m not sure how.”

“Try. Please. I know there’s more to why you avoided me. Tamara

hinted at something but she never said.”

Adrian thought for a moment, unsure how to say it. “I’ve never

had a serious relationship.” She swallowed. “Ever.”

“Okay.”

Adrian sighed. “I’ve gone from woman to woman. Serial dating,

I guess you could call it. And lately it’s been one nightmare after

another.”

“Did you enjoy dating like that?”

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“I enjoyed the idea of meeting the one. The excitement of it. The

anticipation. I didn’t do it for mindless sex. Well…okay, it usually

always led to that.”

“What about now?”

“Things have changed. I’ve changed. I just couldn’t do it anymore.

I wanted more for my life and I had totally lost myself. So the past few

weeks, I’ve been spending a lot of time with just me. Finding who I am

and doing things I enjoy.”

“Like art.”

“Yes.”

“I’ve also been dealing with my past and trying to let that go.”

“Sounds like you’re doing well.”

“I am. I really think I am.”

“And that’s why you’re scared of me.”

Adrian blinked, surprised at her accuracy.

“Other than thinking I was married,” Morresay added.

“Yes.”

Morresay touched her face, lightly stroking her jaw. “We have a

dilemma, then.”

Adrian struggled for breath. She was a thousand burning suns,

Morresay her energy.

“And I’m already breaking my word by touching you.”

Adrian covered her hand, holding it to her face. “Don’t stop.”

“I have to. If I don’t I’ll lose control. And if you don’t think you

can do this or want to do this…”

“I want to do it. I want you—more than I’ve ever wanted anything.

I’m just afraid.”

“But what if it’s just easy and wonderful and beautiful?”

“I don’t know if I believe in beautiful. I mean, I know it exists. I’m

just not sure it exists for me.”

“I know you haven’t seen or had it much in your lifetime, but I

promise you it does exist. For you.”

“Really?”

“Very much so. In your heart you know it’s possible. It’s the risk

you have to take to get it that’s scaring you.”

They stared at one another for a long moment and Adrian heard

“Cold” beginning to play on the radio. As the lyrics came, everything

in her seemed to stir to life and beat in tune with her racing heart. How

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many times had she listened to this song, dreaming about love and

passion and the fire she always craved? Countless times. And now it

was playing for Morresay. For Adrian. For what she’d finally found.

Adrian leaned in and kissed her as if the journey she’d trekked to

reach her had been fierce and long and had lasted decades.

Morresay responded right away, reaching up to thread her fingers

through her hair as she moaned softly. Adrian had never tasted anyone

so sweet, so warm, so seemingly made just for her. When Morresay

pulled away it felt like a piece of her was missing. She reached for

her…desperate.

“We can take it slow,” she said, touching Adrian’s lips. “If it will

help.”

“I don’t think I can. I’ve already touched you and nothing will

ever be the same for me again.”

“Then let’s go slow another way.”

“How?”

“Tell me what it is you want at this very moment.”

“You.”

“How do you want me?” She trailed a finger down her neck. “Tell

me how you’ve thought of us. What were you thinking about when you

were watching me today?”

“So many things.”

“Close your eyes.”

Adrian did and leaned back against the couch.

“Now tell me what you see. What you want.”

“I see you. You’re naked and you’re standing in front of me.”

“Go on.”

“You come to me and put my hands on you. We kiss.”

“Then what?”

“You tell me you want me inside you and you crawl on top of me,

taking my hand and putting it between your legs. I slip inside you…”

“Open your eyes, Adrian.”

Adrian sighed and opened her eyes. Morresay was standing in front

of her completely nude, firelight kissing her skin. She came toward her,

took her hands softly and placed them on her hips. Adrian shuddered at

the smooth, warm feel of them.

“Touch me,” she whispered, cupping her face.

Trembling, Adrian pressed her lips to her stomach and ran her

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hands up and down her beautiful body. Morresay sighed and arched

into her, running her fingers through Adrian’s hair.

“Your fingertips feel just like I imagined. So talented and knowing.

Bringing me to my knees.”

She knelt and kissed Adrian passionately, her tongue pressing

into her eagerly, swirling and claiming, growing hungrier and more

demanding by the second. She pushed Adrian back and crawled atop

her, straddling her lap.

Breathless, they separated and she took Adrian’s hand and led it

slowly down her bare skin to her center.

“I want you inside me,” she said.

Adrian stared into her face as her fingers found her slick folds and

slid deep inside. Morresay nearly crumpled, eyes closing, mouth falling

open to suck in a quick, shaky breath.

“Oh God.” She held tight to Adrian’s shoulders and began to

rock. “Oh God. Adrian!” Her eyes flew open and they looked wild and

dangerous and so completely pure with raw beauty. Adrian cradled her

jaw, wanting to capture the look on her face and remember it forever.

Morresay made small noises and turned her head to take Adrian’s

thumb in her mouth. She held it with her teeth and then sucked on it.

“You’re beautiful,” Adrian whispered. “So, so beautiful.”

“Mmm.” She lifted her chin, releasing Adrian’s thumb. “You are,

Adrian. And I’ve been thinking about you for so very long. Watching

you. Wanting you, moved by you and your inner passion. Oh God!”

She moved faster, eyes locked on Adrian’s. “I can’t believe you’re here.

I can’t believe you’re in me. Tell me, tell me how you feel.”

Adrian could hardly speak so caught up in everything about her.

“I—you—are so amazing. So beautiful. The most beautiful thing I’ve

ever seen. Ever felt.”

“And you’ve wanted me.”

“Yes.”

“Longed for me.”

“Fuck yes. I’ve dreamt about you. Fucking ached. So deep down

inside. I couldn’t stop it. Not for the life of me.”

“And—oh God—” She clenched her eyes closed, too worked up

to finish her sentence. “Adrian. You feel so good. Oh! Oh God, you feel

so damn good fucking me.” She was writhing, quickening her hips.

Adrian pushed up with her fingers, loving the way she felt all hot

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and slippery, encasing her. She studied her smooth skin, the undulation

of her beautiful muscles, those beautiful curls dangling next to her face.

Adrian did what she’d longed to do since one of the very first times

she’d seen her. She loosened Morresay’s hair clip and gasped at the

tendrils of sun and sand–colored hair as they tumbled down on her

shoulders.

“This,” Adrian whispered, running her hand through it while

staring deep into her eyes. “You, me, my life, the way I feel about you.

This is what I would call perpetual happiness.”

Morresay’s breath quickened and she made a noise like she might

cry. “Kiss me, Adrian. Kiss me now. Kiss me while I—”

She took Adrian’s mouth with a savage need, shoving her tongue

deep inside again and again, emulating Adrian’s fingers. Her cry was

powerful, pushed into Adrian, eaten up by the kiss. Another cry escaped

her as she tore her mouth away and bit into Adrian’s neck and ear.

“Oh God, Adrian. Oh my dear God,” she said, her body finally

slowing. She held Adrian’s face and kissed her several times as spasms

shot through her. She laughed, deep and nearly hoarse when she finally

stilled.

“That was…”

“The most incredible moment of my life,” Adrian finished.

Morresay blinked slowly, as if she couldn’t believe Adrian was

real. “You’re really here.”

“Yes.”

“Come here.” She stood and tugged on Adrian’s hand. They

embraced in front of the fire and Adrian inhaled her chai scent and

pressed her hands to her moist back. “I don’t ever want to let you go,”

she said, holding Adrian tighter. “I want to stay just like this forever.”

Adrian closed her eyes. “I’ve imagined this moment. Just like this.

The room, the chair, the fireplace.”

“Me too.”

“It’s you in my arms. It’s been you all along.” She held her tighter.

“I think I’m starting to believe in beautiful.”

Morresay laughed softly. “If you’ll let me, I’ll show you beautiful

each and every day.”

She pulled away and swayed with her, hands tangled in the back

of her hair, arms resting on her shoulders.

“Would you like to stay the night?” Morresay asked.

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“Yes.”

“In my bed?”

“Yes.”

“In my arms?”

Adrian kissed her. “Yes.”

Morresay took her by the hand and led her to the bedroom. She

flicked the light switch and a small lamp in the corner softly breathed

upon the room. The shade was draped with a red sash, and a red Indian

patterned bedspread covered the queen-sized bed. The room felt warm

and welcoming, like Adrian had just stepped into a familiar place in

her own heart. A place she knew was there but had never walked into

before.

“This is nice,” she said, taking in the small white dresser and a

bountiful plant on a stand. A neat pile of underwear and flannel sleep

pants sat on one side of the dresser. Morresay hurried to put them

away.

“No, don’t.” Adrian caught her arm. “Leave them. It’s you. How

you are. I like it.”

Morresay dropped her hands. “Okay,” she whispered.

Adrian gently squeezed her hand and moved to the two drawings

that hung on the walls.

“These are yours?” Adrian asked. They were of people, women in

flowing dresses, staring into the sun. In the other a woman was kneeling

in the forest, earth clenched in one hand. They were incredible, the

detail breathtaking. Adrian touched the frame, wanting to stare at them

for hours.

“That’s how I feel about your work,” Morresay said, standing next

to her.

“Like you could look at it for hours?”

“More like days.”

She led her to the bed. “And I could look at you for days.” She

began to undress her. “Is this okay?”

Adrian nodded.

She slipped her sweater over her head and touched her breasts,

massaging them through the thin T-shirt. Then she slipped that too over

her head.

She licked her lips as she stared into Adrian’s eyes. And then, with

slow deliberation, she dropped her gaze and took Adrian in. Adrian saw

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and heard her breath catch. Then she felt her tugging on her jeans, first

unbuttoning them and then easing them down. She did the same with

her panties, gliding them down slowly and helping Adrian step out of

them.

Her lips and breath bathed Adrian all the way back up.

“Morresay,” Adrian whispered, threading her fingers into

Morresay’s hair.

“Tell me, my love, tell me.” She trailed her tongue up Adrian’s

thighs and skimmed the lips framing her throbbing flesh. “Tell me you

want me to taste you.”

“I—” Her tongue was already there, pressing inside, lightly

touching her clit. “Ye-es.”

Morresay groaned and gripped her hips, working her way all the

way in, tongue lapping fully at her, saturating her clit again and again.

Adrian hissed and clenched her eyes closed, hands now tangled in her

hair.

“Oh my God,” Morresay panted, working her long and slow. “You

are—” She groaned again. “Unbelievable.”

Legs weak with pleasure, Adrian stumbled backward and Morresay

pushed her onto the bed. She crawled on with her and threw back the

bedcovers, encouraging Adrian to burrow under them. Then she pulled

the covers up and worked her way back down between Adrian’s legs.

“Wait,” Adrian said. “I want to look in your eyes the first time.”

Morresay smiled and slid along her side. She kissed her breast and

teased her nipple as she trailed her hand up Adrian’s thigh to her wet

flesh. There she sank her fingers alongside her clit and stroked, causing

Adrian to move beneath her.

“Like this, my love?” Morresay asked, staring into her eyes.

“Yes,” Adrian said, already tensing.

“That’s it, Adrian. Look at me. I’m right here.”

“Mm. Ah, Morre-say.”

“Yes.” She moved her hand faster, side to side.

Adrian couldn’t speak. Could barely hold her head up. She stared

into her eyes and…

“Wait.”

Morresay stilled.

“I don’t want to come yet.”

“Why not?”

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“I want it to last. This moment. This feeling. It’s so good.”

Morresay stroked her again, slowly. “Is it?”

“Oh yeah.”

“It’s good?”

“Really fucking good.”

“What if I told you it doesn’t have to end? We can go as long as

you want. I can tease you as long as you want. Make your flesh pant

and ache and beg for it…and then give it what it wants so fast and hard

and thorough—”

Adrian gripped her wrist, the pleasure coming.

“Yeah?”

Morresay quickened her hand. “Oh yes.” And then she stilled her

hand and Adrian gasped. Morresay stroked her again, very slowly, very

carefully, milking her. “If I could see this look on your face forever I’d

never ask for another thing again.”

“I know what you mean,” Adrian said, the pleasure building

again.

Morresay stopped again and smiled with intent as she made her

way down to rest between Adrian’s legs. Adrian lifted her head and

stroked her face, her flesh already reacting to Morresay’s breathing.

Then she watched as Morresay closed her eyes and lowered her

mouth to kiss her flesh again, working her way quickly to the insides

of her folds. She licked her long and slow, moving toward the center,

finally reaching her clit with quick little flicks. Adrian tensed and

gripped her hair at her temple, watching her tongue sneak out and press

in long, drawn-out movements and then those quick little flicks again.

“Morresay,” she whispered, throwing her head back against the

pillows.

“Yes,” she said and buried her mouth in farther. Her tongue

worked harder, over and over her clit in an up-and-down motion and

then around and around, teasing it from the sides. “You’re so good,” she

said in between breaths. “Taste so good.” She kissed her flesh firmer,

longer. “Adrian.” And then she pulled her clit into her lips and tugged,

sucking it.

Adrian tensed again and lifted her head. It felt too good for words.

And seeing that it was Morresay, loving her, making love to her, it

made it so good she wanted to scream.

• 252 •

Chasing Love

“I—you—” She tossed her head back, the pleasure drawing in and

coming closer to that sweet place known only as orgasmic oblivion.

“Tell me, Adrian,” she said, sucking her and licking her at the

same time, holding her captive in her working mouth.

“I—” But no words would come. Adrian lifted her head again,

knotted her hands in her hair, and when she met Morresay’s eyes she

burst into climax, her face collapsing with ecstasy.

“Yes, Adrian.” And she kept on. “Oh God, sweet yes.” She kept

giving, releasing her clit to swirl around it again and again until Adrian

was bucking madly and crying out with sweet prayers, pleading for it to

never end. “You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

Adrian clung to her, body shaking. She could feel her flesh flooding

and pouring in around Morresay’s mouth.

Morresay kept speaking to her, telling her again and again how

beautiful she was until Adrian could no longer hold herself up and the

pleasure evaporated, leaving her bones heavy and glowing with bliss

under her spent muscles. She pulled Morresay up to her and kissed her

long and soft, telling her all about the intense pleasure she’d experienced

without saying a word.

When she finally finished, Morresay laughed and nuzzled her

neck. “I thought it was great too.”

Adrian groaned playfully. “Did you?”

“Yes.” She hurried out of bed and flicked off the light. Adrian

yelped and laughed as she jumped back in to bury with her under the

covers.

“Are we going to sleep now?” Adrian asked.

“If we want to take it slow.”

Adrian nestled farther into the pillows. “I’m ready to fall asleep

in your arms.”

“Are you?”

“Mmm-hmm. But you have to promise me something.”

“Anything.”

“Next time, you tell me what it is you’ve imagined. And we do it

your way.”

Morresay kissed her neck, nibbling a bit, causing gooseflesh to

erupt along Adrian’s skin.

“We better get some sleep, then,” she said, laughing wickedly.

• 253 •

RoniCa BLaCk

Adrian turned into her. “Not after that statement. There’s no way

we’re getting sleep now.”

Morresay cried out in laughter as Adrian headed farther under the

covers.

• 254 •

Chasing Love

ChapteR twenty-eight

Idon’t believe it,” Tamara said as she opened the front door. “It’s

my best friend Adrian. And she’s standing at my door holding

a bottle of wine. And wait—it’s dinnertime.” She called to Harriet.

“Honey, grab something. The earth’s about to shake.”

Adrian just smiled. “Are you going to invite me in?”

“Did you bring a good year?”

“Your favorite.”

Tamara waved her in.

“Wait,” Adrian said before stepping in. “I brought a guest.”

“You brought a what?”

“A guest.” Morresay stepped into view, wearing a flowing green

blouse, jeans, and a long coat. She stood next to Adrian and held her

hand.

Tamara’s mouth fell open.

“I told you she’d be surprised,” Adrian said.

“Hello, Tamara.”

“Morresay.” She shook her head in disbelief. “Come in, come

in.”

The entered the house and Adrian handed over the wine and took

Morresay’s coat and hung it along with hers. Tamara called to Harriet,

who joined them quickly. She looked just as shocked as Tamara.

“Harriet, this is our art teacher, Morresay. Morresay, this is my

partner, Harriet.”

“Hi, Harriet, pleasure to meet you.”

“You too,” Harriet said, shaking her hand. “Please, have a seat.”

• 255 •

RoniCa BLaCk

Morresay did so and at once saw the frames on the wall. Adrian

followed her gaze and took a second look.

“These are Adrian’s, aren’t they?’

Tamara had a guilty look. “Uh-huh.”

“You went back and got them?” Adrian asked.

“Uh-huh.”

“Why?” Oddly enough, she could stand to look at them now. They

still made her feel, but it wasn’t as sharp as before.

“Because I like them. And because you drew them.”

“They’re really good, Adrian,” Harriet said. “I’m the one who

insisted we hang them.”

Morresay was obviously confused.

Tamara explained. “Adrian threw them away one night after

class.”

Morresay held Adrian’s gaze. There was no shock or horror or

judgment. Just a knowing calm. Adrian had told her just how difficult

the feelings the art brought up had been to deal with. “I’m glad you got

them,” she said to Tamara. “You’re a true friend.”

Adrian smiled at her and Morresay returned it. They had such a

quiet connection. A million words spoken in one long gaze.

“Do you want us to take them down?” Harriet asked Adrian. She

was still so sincere and so caring.

“Nah.”

“You’re sure?”

“I’m okay with them now. You guys enjoy them.”

“If you ever want them, they are yours, you know,” Tamara said.

Adrian nodded. She never felt more loved than she did at that

moment. She smiled, so eternally grateful for these three people.

“Can I get you a drink?” Harriet asked Morresay. “Adrian?”

Tamara spoke up. “I’ll get the drinks, honey. Adrian? Would you

help me?” She nearly dragged Adrian into the kitchen with her. “What

the fuck-fuck? What is going on?”

“She’s not married.”

“She’s not?”

“No. She’s not straight either. And…she’s crazy about me.”

Tamara hopped up and down. “When did this happen? How did

it happen?”

“She kept asking me out for coffee, remember?”

• 256 •

Chasing Love

“Vaguely. Once.”

“No, a couple of times. I kept putting her off, avoiding her. It was

killing me because I liked her.”

“You did?”

“Yes.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because we agreed she was off-limits. And because I was trying

to change. But honestly, Tamara, I was burning for her.”

Tamara shook her head. “I can’t believe this. She’s—she’s

wonderful, Adrian.”

“I know.”

“So tell me more. Did she make the first move?”

“She kissed me, T. Told me how she felt. And I melted. When she

touched me, it was like a million stars exploded to life inside of me.

Every cell in me burned with life. It was amazing and it was crazy and

it was…”

“Love,” Tamara said simply.

Adrian hesitated and then exhaled long and slow. “Yeah.”

“Oh my God. My best friend has finally found love.” She enveloped

her in a long hug, squeezing her tight.

“Don’t get too carried away,” Adrian teased. “We are taking it

slow, you know.”

“Good.” But she was all grins.

“As slow as we can, anyway.” She recalled the way they could

hardly keep their hands to themselves whether they were alone or not.

The way Morresay teased her some nights, kissing her long and slow

and hot and then whispering good night and blowing a kiss as she

slipped out the door, leaving Adrian trembling. The way they forced

themselves to do nothing but talk, sitting on the ends of the couch

staring into one another with compassion and understanding.

It was the sweetest torture she’d ever experienced, and she couldn’t

get enough.

“Are you happy?” Tamara asked, studying her closely.

Adrian blew out another breath. “I’m so happy I’m scared

shitless.”

“Yep.” Tamara nodded. “It’s love.”

Adrian laughed. “You mean this is…how it is?”

“Oh yeah.”

• 257 •

RoniCa BLaCk

“The thinking about her every second? Wanting to stare at her for

hours on end? Wishing I could crawl into her soul and feel her around

me and in me forever?”

“Yep.”

“I think it might kill me.”

“It’ll come close.” She patted her back and set to opening the

wine. “But every time you look at her and she looks at you—”

“I’ll feel more alive than ever.”

Tamara smiled. “You got it, A. You finally got it.”

• 258 •

About the Author

Ronica Black spends her free time writing works that move her, with

the hope that they will move others as well. She is a firm believer in

“that which does not kill you makes you stronger.” Each step she takes

in life is a journey meant to be experienced, whether it be a smooth

step paved with green grass or a rocky one marred with boulders. She

keeps stepping, keeps writing, and keeps believing that women are

far stronger than they think they are. She’s an award-winning author

with six books currently published by Bold Strokes Books. She also

has several short stories published in the Bold Strokes Books Erotic

Interludes series: Stolen Moments, Lessons in Love, and Road Games.

Her work also appears in Ultimate Lesbian Erotica 2005.

Books Available From Bold Strokes Books

Chasing love by Ronica Black. Adrian Edwards is looking for love—

at girl bars, shady chat rooms, and women’s sporting events—but love

remains elusive until she looks closer to home. (978-1-60282-192-7)

Rum Spring by Yolanda Wallace. Rebecca Lapp is a devout follower

of her Amish faith and a firm believer in the Ordnung, the set of rules

that govern her life in the tiny Pennsylvania town she calls home. When

she falls in love with a young “English” woman, however, the rules go

out the window. (978-1-60282-193-4)

indelible by Jove Belle. A single mother committed to shielding her

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tries to resist the allure of a tattoo artist who already has a sometimes-

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The Straight Shooter by Paul Faraday. With the help of his good pals

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head Trip by D.L. Line. Shelby Hutchinson, a young computer

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Desire by Starlight by Radclyffe. The only thing that might possibly

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River Walker by Cate Culpepper. Grady Wrenn, a cultural

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Blood Sacraments, edited by Todd Gregory. In these tales of the gay

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Mesmerized by David-Matthew Barnes. Through her close friendship

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Whatever gods May Be by Sophia Kell Hagin. Army sniper Jamie

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she never expects is to find love. (978-1-60282-183-5)

nevermore by Nell Stark and Trinity Tam. In this sequel to everafter,

Vampire Valentine Darrow and Were Alexa Newland confront a

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Playing the Player by Lea Santos. Grace Obregon is beautiful,

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Midnight Whispers: The Blake Danzig Chronicles by Curtis

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The long Way home by Rachel Spangler. They say you can’t go

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Water Mark by J.M. Redmann. PI Micky Knight’s professional and

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to simply survive in a world gone mad. (978-1-60282-179-8)

Picture imperfect by Lea Santos. Young love doesn’t always stand the

test of time, but Deanne is determined to get her marriage to childhood

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Memory Lane—and Lover’s Lane. (978-1-60282-180-4)

The Perfect Family by Kathryn Shay. A mother and her gay son stand

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life they knew. (978-1-60282-181-1)

Raven Mask by Winter Pennington. Preternatural Private Investigator

(and closeted werewolf) Kassandra Lyall needs to solve a murder and

protect her Vampire lover Lenorre, Countess Vampire of Oklahoma—

all while fending off the advances of the local werewolf alpha female.

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The Devil be Damned by Ali Vali. The fourth book in the best-selling

Cain Casey Devil series. (978-1-60282-159-0)

Descent by Julie Cannon. Shannon Roberts and Caroline Davis compete

in the world of world-class bike racing and pretend that the fire between

them is just professional rivalry, not desire. (978-1-60282-160-6)

Kiss of noir by Clara Nipper. Nora Delaney is a hard-living, sweet-

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danger—a darkly humorous homage to a bygone era of tough broads

and murder in steamy New Orleans. (978-1-60282-161-3)

Under her Skin by Lea Santos Supermodel Lilly Lujan hasn’t a care

in the world, except life is lonely in the spotlight—until Mexican

gardener Torien Pacias sees through Lilly’s facade and offers gentle

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Table of Contents

ChapteR one

ChapteR two

ChapteR thRee

ChapteR FouR

ChapteR Five

ChapteR six

ChapteR seven

ChapteR eight

ChapteR nine

ChapteR ten

ChapteR eLeven

ChapteR tweLve

ChapteR thiRteen

ChapteR FouRteen

ChapteR FiFteen

ChapteR sixteen

ChapteR seventeen

ChapteR eighteen

ChapteR nineteen

ChapteR twenty

ChapteR twenty-one

ChapteR twenty-two

ChapteR twenty-thRee

ChapteR twenty-FouR

ChapteR twenty-Five

ChapteR twenty-six

ChapteR twenty-seven

ChapteR twenty-eight