Looking Through Windows

By

Caren J. Werlinger

Looking Through Windows
Lesbian Fiction

Copyright 2008; 2009 by Caren J. Werlinger
All rights reserved.

eBook ISBN: 978-1-934889-90-9
Print ISBN: 978-1-59092-595-9

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Reprinted by permission of the publishers and the Trustees of Amherst College from THE POEMS OF EMILY DICKINSON, Thomas H. Johnson, ed., Cambridge, Mass.: The Belknap Press of Harvard University Press, Copyright ©1951,1955,1979,1983 by the President and Fellows of Harvard College.

The translation of Renée Vivien’s poem “Paroles à L’Amie”  by Caren J. Werlinger.

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Acknowledgments

There are many people to thank for their assistance in getting this book to this point. The first and biggest thank-you goes to my partner, Beth Skinner, who has patiently read and re-read multiple versions of this book for the past seven or eight years, offering her insight and gentle prompts to make changes in places. My thanks also to the many others who read the earlier versions, and offered their feedback: Bethany, Kim, Annette, Tommie, Roxie, Jackie and Debbie.

My great thanks and admiration go also to Cristie Cyane, a French poet who compiled the complete poems of Renée Vivien in her website, reneevivien.com, a task which must have been a labor of love, given the volume of work Vivien left us. For anyone wanting to delve more deeply into the writings of Renée Vivien, this is an invaluable resource since her work is so difficult to find.

To Dr. Kathleen McNerney, Professor in the Foreign Language Department at West VirginiaUniversity, I send my thanks, not only for her teaching, but for her encouragement to always think independently and act on my convictions. She influenced me and this book more than she realizes.

I also want to thank Beth Mitchum for her “polishing” of the manuscript. She made the editing process painless and easy. And to Cris and Jennifer DiMarco – by accepting this manuscript, they didn’t just validate the work, they validated a piece of me. I will never forget how much that meant.

Looking Through Windows

Chapter 1

Emily's battered red Honda Civic rolled to a stop in the shade of an oak tree so large its branches formed an arch across the quiet street. She climbed stiffly out of the car and looked at the enormous white farmhouse belonging to the oak. She double-checked the address scribbled on a crumpled, sweat-dampened sheet of paper she had pulled out of her jeans pocket. 212 Clearbrook Road. This was the right place. She walked up the neatly trimmed walk to the steps of the deep front porch, a few early acorns crunching underfoot. There she saw an older woman on her hands and knees scrubbing the porch floor with a scrub brush and bucket. She hadn't seen the woman at first in the dark shade of the porch.

"Mrs. Gundlach?" she inquired. "I'm Emily Warner."

"Ach!" exclaimed Mrs. Gundlach as she got spryly to her feet. She was short, maybe five-foot-three, with salt and pepper hair and dark eyes.  "We have been waiting for you!" Emily noticed that Mrs. Gundlach's German accent turned 'have' into 'haf.' "Come in, my dear. You must be very hot after your trip. We almost never have weather this warm in Vermont."

When Emily followed Mrs. Gundlach into the house, she felt an immediate drop in temperature, although there were no air conditioners that she could see or hear. Mrs. Gundlach seemed to read her thoughts.  "The shade of our trees keeps the house cool, ja?"

"Ja," Emily replied, automatically answering in German. To the right of the foyer was a wide staircase with dark oak treads and handrail. She followed Mrs. Gundlach straight down a short hall to the kitchen, catching glimpses of a large living room and dining room off to the left. There were two steps leading down into the kitchen, where a large pine farm table occupied one end near a brick wall, which contained a fireplace and raised hearth. As Mrs. Gundlach poured them glasses of cold lemonade, Emily looked out the large plate glass window behind the table. Across a wide expanse of recently mowed grass was an old white clapboard barn.

"This is a wonderful house," Emily said admiringly as she accepted a glass from Mrs. Gundlach.

"Ja, Papa and I love this house," Mrs. Gundlach said proudly. "We raised ten children in this house."

"Ten! We only had three children in my family." Emily smiled at the thought of tiny Mrs. Gundlach keeping ten kids in line. They were sitting at the table drinking their lemonade when Emily saw a tall man coming across the yard, accompanied by a huge German shepherd. When he entered the screened-in porch and came into the kitchen, she guessed him to be Mr. Gundlach. He appeared to be in his sixties.  He had a deeply tanned face and laughing blue eyes. She liked him immediately and stood to introduce herself. "Hello, Mr. Gundlach, I'm Emily Warner."

"Miss Emily! We have been looking forward to having you here with us. We were very happy to help out when Dr. Brooks called to see if we had a room to let to one of his prize students." His large hand dwarfed hers in a warm handshake. The German shepherd whined and pushed her nose into Emily's hand. "This is Greta, our fierce watchdog," he smiled as Emily scratched her large ears.

"Let me show you to your room," Mrs. Gundlach said, leading the way upstairs. "This is our room, Papa and me," she said, indicating a large room at the east end of the hallway. They passed a couple of furnished but unoccupied rooms before entering a room at the other end of the hallway. To Emily's delight, it was on the south side of the house, facing the road. She'd have plenty of winter sunlight and lots of summer shade.

"This is wonderful," she murmured. "I'll start unpacking the car."

"I'll get Papa to help," Mrs. Gundlach said.

Emily went out to open her hatchback. As she reached in to gather a box of books, Mr. Gundlach joined her and took three boxes of books in his arms, despite Emily's protests that they were too heavy. She quickly filled her arms and hurried to catch up to him. In no time the car was unpacked, and she was alone in her room to settle in.

The room was furnished with a sturdy double bed made of walnut, an oak desk and two tall bookshelves. There was a tall chest of drawers on one outside wall, and a good-sized closet for such an old house. She pulled the switch to activate the ceiling fan, and set about putting things away. After she had unpacked her suitcases and put her books on the shelves, she realized how tired she was. She stretched out on the bed, lulled by the low hum of the ceiling fan and promptly fell asleep.

Emily was wandering down a dimly lit hall with darkened windows on either side. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't see past the reflections into the rooms beyond. Window after window was completely dark and it seemed like the hall went on forever. Finally, in one of the windows, a dim green light shone. By its faint illumination, she saw a still figure lying in a bed. She had to get to the person lying there, but there were no doors, only windows in the hall. She began pounding on the glass, trying to get the attention of the person in the bed... pounding and pounding.

 Emily suddenly wakened to the sound of knocking on her door. She didn't know where she was for a moment.

"Emily?" Mrs. Gundlach's voice came through the door and she remembered.

"Yes, Mrs. Gundlach, I'm coming." She quickly got up. "I'm sorry," she said as she opened the door. "I really fell asleep."

"I'm sorry I woke you, but I wanted to tell you that dinner is ready, if you would like to join Papa and me."

Emily realized she was famished. She hadn't bothered to stop for lunch on her trip earlier. "I'll be right down," she said. She quickly brushed her short brown hair, but the soft curls bounced wherever they wanted. She made a face at herself in the mirror and ran downstairs.

Mrs. Gundlach said they would eat in the kitchen since there were only the three of them. They sat down to a meal of oven-fried chicken, German potato salad, green beans picked fresh from their garden and fresh rolls. No one said much as they began eating, but as Emily helped herself to seconds, Mr. Gundlach asked, "What will you be teaching at the university?"

"I'll be teaching German and French while I work on my doctorate in European literature," Emily replied. "I chose this doctoral program at Weston because it doesn't force me to focus on only one language or one culture." 'And because I don't know a soul up here,' she thought as she swallowed. "Dr. Brooks is in a bind. One of his professors retired last year and they haven't been able to replace her, so he has to teach one or two classes more than he is supposed to as department chair. As a result, he asked me to supervise the other teaching assistants, who are all working on their Master's degrees."

Pushing her plate back, Emily hoped she hadn't been impolite by eating so much.

"So, you like my cooking, ja?" Mrs. Gundlach beamed, and Emily realized she had nothing to worry about.

"Oh ja, es was sehr gut!" Again, she replied without realizing she had lapsed into German. The Gundlachs smiled at one another but said nothing.

After the dishes were washed and put away, they all went out to the screened porch with large glasses of iced tea.

"None of our children chose this university," Mrs. Gundlach said. "They all wanted to see other parts of the country. Our youngest, John, is a junior at FloridaState. The others are scattered all over."

Emily fell into a trance listening to Mrs. Gundlach talk about their other children and their five grandchildren. She rocked and listened, responding occasionally.

"Mama," Mr. Gundlach said at last, "It's time for us to let Miss Emily go to bed. She's had a long day."

"Oh ja, Papa. You are right. We get up early, Emily, but you sleep as late as you like. Good night."

"Good night," Emily said sleepily. Once upstairs, she sat in the dark of her room, not wanting to go lie down. This was the hardest part of every day, with long, empty hours stretching out before her. Some nights her brain gave her a merciful respite; other nights were so filled with bad dreams that she felt she hadn't slept at all.

At length, she fell asleep. Under the whir of the ceiling fan, she got a good night of undisturbed slumber.

Chapter 2

The next morning she woke early to the smell of coffee, eggs and bacon. She hurriedly showered, ran her fingers through her damp curly hair and hopped down the stairs dressed in khaki shorts, a sleeveless top and sandals.

"Guten Morgen!" she said enthusiastically to Mrs. Gundlach as she bounced into the kitchen.

"Good morning, my dear!" Mrs. Gundlach replied from the stove. She was wearing a lightweight shirt and cotton work pants. "Karl will be in soon. He is feeding our few chickens and gathering eggs."

"How much land do you have?" Emily hadn't realized it was actually a working farm.

"Only fifty acres now. Just enough to graze a few cattle, keep some chickens and hogs, and have a big garden," Mrs. Gundlach answered as she turned the bacon. "We have two draft horses Papa won't part with. He came from a farming family in Germany, and you just can't keep him from it. He worked for a sawmill until he retired a few years ago, but we've always had a few animals. He said it taught the children to be responsible if they had to take care of something that depended on them."

Pouring coffee for herself and Mrs. Gundlach, Emily smiled. She enjoyed listening to Mrs. Gundlach's soft accent. She had noticed that Mr. Gundach's was a little stronger.

"How old were the two of you when you came to the United States?" she asked, handing Mrs. Gundlach her coffee.

"I was only four when my parents moved us all to America. We left Austria in 1939. Papa's father sent the boys and their mother to Switzerland in 1940. They had a farm and probably could have kept farming, but Papa's father had decided to help hide the Jews who were trying to get out of Germany, and he didn't want the family to be involved. They stayed in Switzerland until the war was over. There was no word from Karl's father. The family couldn't find him, and their farmhouse and barns had been burned. So they came to America. Papa doesn't speak of it often."

"How horrible, never to have known what happened," said Emily, her face hard, her jaw tight.

"It's a beautiful morning!" Mr. Gundlach burst into the kitchen with a basket of eggs. "The kind of day that makes you glad to be alive!" Emily's face softened as she looked at his broad smile. Greta trotted to Emily for a pat before lying under the table.

After breakfast, she helped with the dishes and asked Mrs. Gundlach for directions to campus. Carrying her backpack loaded with a few pads, pens and dictionaries, she decided to walk, exploring as she went. She realized the Gundlachs' house was on the edge of town. Twenty minutes at a brisk pace brought her to the campus. The campus was beautiful, with old stone buildings, ivy trying valiantly to sneak past the groundskeepers' eyes and cover the cool stone.

She found the foreign language building, Whitmore Hall, where she introduced herself to the department secretary, Monica.

"Dr. Brooks is out of town for a few days, but he was expecting you and asked me to give you these personnel folders on the teaching assistants you will be supervising," Monica explained. She showed Emily to the third floor office shared by all the language teaching assistants. It was a large airy room with about ten desks, all furnished with computers and neat stacks of the required texts for each class. There were tall windows thrown open to the warm summer air.

Emily spent the remainder of the morning writing lesson plans for the classes she would be teaching. From time to time, her eyes wandered to the large windows with their view of the mountains beyond. Everything was still green now in late August. She had to force herself to concentrate on her lesson plans.

By early afternoon, her eyes were tired and she was hungry. Wandering through the maze of campus buildings, she found her way to the small downtown area of Weston. She picked a friendly-looking café, where the college-aged server bemoaned the emptiness of the town during the summer. Trying not to stare at the metal stud piercing the young woman's tongue, Emily suspected the town's permanent residents probably enjoyed the quiet, as the university's student population almost equaled that of the town.

After lunch, she strolled along the main street, which was lined with large shade trees. There were small shops selling books, clothing, jewelry and a wonderful old hardware store that reminded her of the one she used to go to with her father when she was a child. Everyone was friendly, and no one seemed to be in much of a hurry.

She discovered a small park one block removed from the main street. There were a few benches under trees, and a white painted gazebo with a water fountain. Off to one side of the park was a small stone church with an historical plaque stating that the church was the oldest one still standing in Weston, having been built in 1838. She went into the hushed interior of the small edifice. Her eyes took a moment to adjust to the dim light filtering in through the tall, narrow windows. Almost hidden in the back corner was a steep staircase. It led up to a small belfry, which no longer held a bell, but gave her a wonderful view of the park and the surrounding area. She wasn't sure how long she was up there, but looking at her watch, Emily was surprised to find that it was already three o'clock. She debated going back to the office. She had made a good start on the semester's lesson plans. It was only Tuesday, and classes wouldn't start until Monday, so she had plenty of time. Deciding that a pre-dinner run sounded better than more work, she headed back to the Gundlach house to change.

Chapter 3

"All right, Meg, come on girl," crooned the dark-haired young woman as she led a tall chestnut mare into a trailer. The mare followed willingly and settled down for the trip.

"Ann, are you sure you want to take Meg to Vermont? We could lease a horse up there for you." Katharine Hight helped load her daughter's tack into the front of the trailer.

"No, Mom." Ann poked her head out of the small window at the front of the trailer. "Thanks, but I'd really rather have Meg with me. I found a place to board her that has an indoor ring, so I can ride all winter. They'll take care of feeding her and turning her out, so if I get busy with classes, it won't matter if I can't get there for a few days." She jumped down from the back of the trailer, stowed the ramp and closed the door. "But I appreciate the offer," she added as she kissed her mother on the cheek and flashed her beautiful smile.

Katharine was always struck by how much Ann resembled her husband, Owen. They had the same thick, black hair and startlingly blue eyes. Ann's features were chiseled though, as if Michelangelo had sculpted her face, with a high forehead, perfect nose, lips neither too thin nor too full, but ready to break into a smile that could always make its recipient feel special. Katharine looked nothing like the rest of the family. Her red hair had turned silver white by the time she was forty, and she had opted to leave it that color.

"All right, then," Katharine said, "If everything else is packed, let's go say goodbye to your father."

Arm in arm, they walked back to the beautiful old farmhouse they all preferred to their apartments in Boston or L.A. Owen needed places close to major coastal airports for business, but he cherished the time he got to spend at home here on the farm an hour and a half outside Boston. They found him in his study.

"You all set, little girl?" He looked up from his desk. "I thought I'd be doing this five or six years ago. I can't believe I'm sending you off again, but at least this time," he said as he stood to hug her, "you're not going to a scary, unsettled part of the world."

"Dad, the Peace Corps was a great experience," she insisted as she hugged him back. "But I'm definitely ready for college now. It would have been a waste of money when I was eighteen."

"I know, I know," he sighed, letting her go reluctantly. "But to tell you the truth, I'm almost as nervous about letting you go to college as I was about sending you off to Africa."

"Dad, please," Ann said, rolling her eyes. "I'm years older than those kids. I'm there to work, not party. I got that out of my system in Europe," she added with a coy look.

"Stop!" Katharine held up her hands. "I don't want to know any more. There are definitely things parents do not need to know." She laughed. "At least that's what I always told my mother."

"I'll remember you said that," Ann grinned.

They all walked out to where the Land Cruiser was waiting with the horse trailer hitched to it.  Ann hugged her parents one more time, promising to call when she got to her apartment, and pulled out of the driveway. Looking back in the rearview mirror, Ann saw Owen slip his arm around his wife and pull her close as they walked back inside.

Ann drove carefully to avoid jarring Meg. Her route took her along a series of large interstates and smaller highways, which offered a more intimate view of the small farms with their neatly painted barns, and fields dotted with cattle. As she drove through Vermont, the terrain became more mountainous. When she arrived at the farm where the mare was to be boarded, Ann found Barbara, the owner. They unloaded Meg and placed her in her stall with some grain. Then she unloaded her tack trunk and saddle, putting them in the tack room. She parked the trailer off to one side of the barn with some others and drove on to her apartment.

She had found an enormous old mansion, which had been remodeled into five separate apartments. She wanted to live alone, though it meant not being able to share expenses. She knew she couldn't tolerate being in a dormitory. This apartment suited her needs perfectly. The tall windows brought in plenty of light, with a rosy glow from the oak floors bouncing off the cream-colored walls. There were two bedrooms, but she had only brought one set of sheets, so the other bedroom served as the receptacle for empty boxes and suitcases as she unpacked. After she brought the last box up from the Toyota, she placed a quick call to her parents and then went to the campus bookstore to get her textbooks.

It was Friday and she knew the bookstore would be open tomorrow, but she was eager to look through the first few chapters before classes started. She hadn't expected the books to be as numerous or as heavy as they turned out to be. She left the bookstore with two heavy bags and regretted not having driven to the bookstore. Taking what she hoped was a short cut back to her apartment; she cut through the park with the old church. There were several people in the park, including a group of guys throwing a football. Suddenly, she heard, "Watch out!" But it was too late. A muscular young man trying to catch a high football pass ran right into her, knocking her flat and sending her books flying.

Emily was up in the bell tower and saw everything. She watched the young man's mouth moving rapidly as he helped the dark-haired woman to her feet. Though she couldn't hear from where she was, Emily was sure he was apologizing profusely. He didn't take his eyes off the woman's face, and even from this distance, Emily understood why. She was beautiful. To Emily's amazement, the dark-haired woman was smiling, not angry. In a couple of minutes a whole crowd of guys had gathered round, picking up her books, asking if she was okay. Emily smiled and shook her head as the woman left the park like a Pied Piper with a herd of men following her.

Ann got back to her apartment and thanked the guys who had carried her books for her, as they deposited them on her kitchen table. They all filed out except Peter, the one who had run into her.

"Ann," he said awkwardly, "this is not how I usually go about meeting someone, but," he looked down and cleared his throat, "would you go out to dinner with me tomorrow night?"

She quickly considered. Peter seemed like a nice enough guy. She guessed him to be about twenty-one. She hoped he was at least old enough to order wine. "Sure, I'd like that," she smiled. His face took on the trancelike quality she had learned to recognize when she spoke with men. She didn't take her power over them for granted; she just wished she could meet someone who wasn't affected by it. She never felt sure the men she dated wanted to get to know her. They all seemed to get stuck on showing her off like a new car.

"Great! I'll pick you up at seven," Peter said as he stumbled on the threshold of her door. She laughed as she pictured her father's reaction to the fact that within four hours of getting to town she had a date.

Chapter 4

Emily rose early on Saturday and got dressed for a run. The heat had broken, and the temperature outside was a more seasonable fifty-five degrees. She put on an extra long-sleeved t-shirt and pulled the sleeves down over her hands. Instead of going towards town as she had been all week, she decided to follow the road in the opposite direction. It had been a productive week. The other teaching assistants had arrived throughout the week, and she was surprised to find herself the only American among them. She had been able to get nearly her entire semester's lesson plans completed, despite being called upon to help the others with their work.

She had gone a couple of miles and was just feeling warmed up. The sun was shining and the air was crystal clear. As she rounded a bend in the road, she saw a farm with several horses in a field. Just beyond the field, near the road, was a riding ring with jumps of various heights and shapes. In the ring was a tall reddish horse with a rider tugging at a strap on the saddle. The pair set off at a trot, and Emily stopped to watch. They went around the ring a few times, sometimes changing direction. Then they took a couple of low fences. The rider moved very little as the horse's feet tucked neatly then landed lightly on the other side. They did a series of low fences, and then circled around to a series of three higher fences that Emily guessed to be about four feet high. The rider then pulled the horse over to the gate of the ring and exited. She slid down off the horse and rubbed the back of her neck. As she took off her helmet and stretched stiffly, Emily recognized the woman from the park.

"Are you sore from riding or from football?"

Ann turned, startled. She hadn't realized anyone was there. "I'm sorry?"

"I saw you get tackled yesterday," Emily explained.

"Oh, that," Ann smiled. Emily blinked and swallowed. She was gorgeous. "I think it's the football, but this isn't helping today."

"I can understand why. You really got hit." Emily carefully avoided saying where she'd been watching from.

"Well, I think we've had enough for today. Ready to go in, Meg?" Ann took the mare's reins. "Have a good run," she said to Emily as she turned towards the barn.

"Thanks." Emily continued down the road, feeling foolish for her reaction to the woman's smile. She was as bad as the guys. Nonetheless, she was sorry she hadn't gotten her name.

When she returned to the house, she jumped in the shower, then dressed in old clothes and went down for breakfast. Mrs. Gundlach had a large bowl of oatmeal on the table for her. Emily helped herself, topping it off with milk and brown sugar. Mrs. Gundlach sat down and joined her, and Mr. Gundlach came in shortly. Emily had talked them into letting her help paint the barn. It was a beautiful old barn with a stone foundation and huge oak beams. The beams still showed the marks of the hand tools used to hew them. The exterior was to receive a new coat of white paint.

After breakfast, they climbed ladders with buckets and brushes and set to work. They painted steadily, with one short break for lunch, and by four o'clock one whole side of the barn was done. Emily hadn't realized it would be such a big job. Her shoulders and neck ached from the constant motion of the brush.

She climbed the stairs and fell asleep for an hour. When she woke, she realized she had been dreaming of watching the dark-haired woman riding her horse. 'You are pathetic,' she told herself. She showered, washed her hair and got dressed in khaki pants and polo shirt for dinner. She and the other foreign language teaching assistants had made plans to get together for dinner and get to know one another. She wasn't very enthusiastic about the evening, but felt she had to go to be polite.

She arrived at the restaurant on time and found three of the others already seated. Luckily, they had picked a restaurant that was fairly quiet. Enrique was from Argentina, Sofia was from the Dominican Republic and Heinrich was from Germany. Soon they were joined by Sato from Japan and Lise, who was from Normandy in France.

 The conversation was happily disjointed, as they made attempts to speak in each other's languages. Emily was surprised at the difference in Enrique's and Sofia's accents when they spoke Spanish. When Lise spoke English, it was with a mixed British and French accent. Sato was very shy, and was gently encouraged by the others to join in the conversation. At one point, not understanding a question Heinrich tried to pose in Japanese, Sato put her hands on her cheeks and exclaimed, "I'm so confusing!"

The table got silent for a moment, as no one wanted to hurt Sato's feelings, but Sofia couldn't control her laughter and soon the others were chuckling also. Sato realized what she had said, and joined the laughter good-naturedly. As the conversation continued past dinner into dessert and coffee, Emily discovered that she was enjoying herself. It had been a long time since she had socialized with anyone. She reached her left hand around to massage her right shoulder, feeling knots on top of knots.

"Now, you can't be sore from football," a voice said from behind her. She turned to find herself looking up into the face of the dark-haired woman. In a glance, Emily was aware of the shining black hair down to her shoulders, her electric blue eyes, the small black, sleeveless dress, which hung simply and gracefully on her lean body.

"No," she smiled. "I was painting a barn today." She didn't offer to explain further. She stood and extended her hand. "I'm Emily Warner."

"Hello, Emily. I'm Ann Hight," she responded, taking Emily's hand in a warm, firm grasp. "This is Peter Larson," she said, introducing the young man with her. Emily recognized him as the one who had knocked Ann down in the park. 'Good work,' she thought.

Emily introduced the others at her table. The men were very gracious. Lise and Sofia were rather cool. After Ann and Peter had taken their leave, the conversation gradually resumed, but Emily was only half listening. Ann Hight. The name was as simple and elegant as the black dress she had been wearing. Emily suddenly realized what she was wearing and wished she had dressed up a little more. A voice inside cut through her internal dialogue, 'It doesn't make a damn bit of difference what you're wearing. She doesn't care!' Emily forced herself to focus on the conversation.

Sleep didn't come easily that night, and when it did, the dreams were more disturbing and vivid than usual.

Chapter 5

Monday morning dawned clear and bright. It was going to be a gorgeous day, just warm enough to remind everyone that summer wasn't officially over and would not willingly give way to autumn.

Ann had been up before dawn to get out to Meg for an early morning ride. They had gone cross- country, jumping downed trees and ditches. Ann wasn't too sure of the terrain yet, so she pulled Meg back from the woods. It wouldn't do to get lost today. "Sorry, professor, but my horse and I got lost in the woods," she laughed aloud. Meg's ears swept back at the sound of her voice.

She let her thoughts wander as she rode. She was glad she had tested out of some basic freshman classes. Her schedule would feel a little more challenging with courses she really wanted. The date with Peter had been nice, but he was a frat boy and a jock, so naturally the conversation had turned to his athletic exploits. She had ended the evening with a small kiss, much to his disappointment. She smiled at the coincidence of bumping into Emily again. Soon it was time to head back. By the time she got Meg untacked and groomed, she barely had enough time for her own shower and breakfast before her first class, which was economics. That hour and a quarter dragged on. Her next class was biology, which she found more interesting. After that she had a break before her afternoon classes. She got a sandwich from the student union and sat outside to eat while she read her first assignment.

Emily, meanwhile, walked out of her morning German class in shock. It was a third semester course, so she expected some level of retention from the prior two semesters they all should have had, but only two or three students had acted like they even understood "Wie geht es Ihnen?" How are you? She made a mental note to revise her lesson plans to include more review.

She went upstairs to her office and opened the lunch Mrs. Gundlach had prepared for her. 'Bless her,' she thought with a smile as she pulled out containers of chicken and dumplings, peas and apple crisp. She popped the containers in the microwave, and sat down to look at her class list for French this afternoon. The microwave beeped at her, and she opened her lecture notes to review while she ate. By quarter to one, she was ready to head to her classroom. She loved the tall windows that actually opened to let errant breezes wander through. She began writing the first reading assignments on the board as the students filed in. She kept herself occupied until it seemed everyone was in their seats. Finally she turned to face the class.

"Bon jour, classe. Je m'appelle Emily Warner." Her eyes swept the room as she spoke. She went through the class list, focusing for a moment on each face so she could begin learning their names. This was also a third semester class, and to her immense relief, this class was vocal and eager to participate. By the time class was over, they had done a good review of basic greetings and phrases, and had made a game out of seeing who could conjugate verbs the fastest.

As Emily was gathering her books, Ann peeked in from the doorway. "Hi," she said with a shy smile.

"Hello," Emily answered in surprise. "What are you doing here?"

"My French class meets here next." She consulted her class list. "Lise D'Andreau is my instructor."

"Lise?" Emily smiled. "You'd better be on your toes. I have a feeling she will expect a lot from her students. Isn't that a fifth semester class? Where did you take your earlier French, here at this university?"

"No, this is my first semester of college," Ann replied. "I studied in high school and then was abroad for awhile."

"Really?" Emily asked, eyebrows raised. "I'd like to hear more about your time in Europe someday."

Ann smiled. "Maybe we could get together for a drink?"

To Emily's chagrin, she felt herself blush. "That would be nice."

"Au revoir," Ann replied as Emily gathered her books and turned toward the door.

Emily nodded and walked out. "You are such an idiot!" she muttered to herself as she started up the stairs to her office.

Chapter 6

The rest of the week flew by. Emily's German class was doing better as she adjusted her expectations for their first few days. The French class continued to delight her with their willingness to participate, even though mistakes were inevitable. Her own class work promised to be a challenge. By the end of the first week, she was the only non-Spanish speaking native remaining in her Spanish novel class, and her French and German literature classes were going to involve a lot of research. Finally, the weekend arrived. It was Labor Day weekend with no classes on Monday, and it seemed about half the student body had made plans to go away.

She had avoided running past the farm where Ann rode, but this Saturday morning was sunny and crisp and was starting to smell like fall. Her feet turned in that direction of their own accord. When she didn't see Ann in the ring, her disappointment was keen. She kept on running past the farm, and was startled when Ann and Meg jumped a low stone fence in the next large field and trotted over to the road, jogging alongside her.

"What a glorious morning!" Ann was breathless, a flush to her cheeks, her eyes sparkling.

"It's wonderful. I couldn't resist getting out today," Emily answered, her words in rhythm with her breathing.

"Mind if we tag along?" Ann asked as she posted to Meg's trot.

"Not if you do the talking," Emily breathed.

"Suddenly, I don't know what to say," Ann laughed.

"Been playing any football lately?"

Ann laughed again. "My bruises are just healing."  She looked at Emily. "Are you from Weston?"

"Nope."

Ann waited for more, but there was just Emily's breathing keeping time with hoofbeats and footsteps. Ann was silent for a few hundred yards. "Tell me about your time in Europe," Emily suggested.

"Oh gosh, that seems ages ago. Three friends and I went after high school. We had friends of our parents in almost every country, so we always had a place to stay and guides, if we wanted them. It really was a wonderful experience. Everybody was so friendly." Emily suspected Ann could make friends anywhere she went. Ann continued, "My parents came over a few times, so I didn't have a chance to get too homesick."

"Mind if we turn back?" Emily had run further than she intended.

"Of course." Ann kept talking as they headed back. "I ended up staying in Europe for two years, most of the second year by myself. My friends were ready for college or marriage, and I wasn't. But by the end of the second year, I needed to be doing something real, so I signed up for the Peace Corps."

"No kidding?" Emily was surprised. Ann obviously came from money. It was hard to imagine her volunteering in some dirty, poverty-stricken part of the world.

"I was sent to Africa, Kenya actually. I loved it so much I stayed for an extra two years."

"What did you do?" Emily asked curiously.

"A variety of things. I taught English and arithmetic; I helped plan and dig irrigation systems; I worked in the medical clinic. The people were wonderful, very kind and hard-working."

Emily began to sense a depth in Ann that went well beyond her looks and what people saw on the surface.

They were returning to the farm where Meg was boarded. "If you're tired, I'll give you a lift," Ann offered. "I just need to take care of Meg."

Emily considered. She knew she could do the last few miles back to the Gundlachs' house, but she was enjoying the conversation. "Thanks. I think I'll take you up on that."

She cooled off as Ann untacked Meg and sponged her off. Emily couldn't help admiring the lean curves of Ann's hips and legs in her riding breeches. Her black hair was pulled back at the nape of her neck and her sleeveless shirt revealed smooth muscles as she worked on Meg. Emily caught herself and concentrated on her stretching. At last, Meg was clean; Ann threw a sheet over her, buckled it and turned her out to graze. She quickly cleaned her tack and put it away.

"My truck is over here," Ann said as she finished. Emily looked for a pick-up, and stopped for a second when she saw the Land Cruiser.

"Nice truck," she said a little sarcastically.

Ann missed the sarcasm or ignored it. Emily wasn't sure which. "It's been nice for pulling the horse trailer."

They climbed in. "Are you sure you don't mind my being on your leather seats?" Emily asked worriedly. "I'm awfully sweaty."

Ann laughed. "You should see how grimy and sweaty I am after a summer ride. Get in."

Emily directed Ann to the Gundlachs' house. As she parked, Ann's eyes lit up.  "This is a beautiful house!"

"I know. I love it here. I feel like the Gundlachs have adopted me." Emily hesitated. "Would you like to come in for a cold drink?"

"Thank you. That sounds really good right now."

There was no sign of Mrs. Gundlach out front, but the porch was still damp in places from the morning's scrubbing. They went into the kitchen, where Greta was sleeping under the table, and poured tall glasses of orange juice. Ann looked around the first floor rooms before they went out to the back porch.

"I love our farm house, but it isn't as old as this," Ann said admiringly, running her hand over the woodwork. Greta followed them out, resting her large head on Ann's knee and being rewarded with a scratch behind the ears.

They sat in the rocking chairs and drank their orange juice. There was no conversation for a few minutes. Emily watched Ann as she looked around. Abruptly, Ann looked over and caught Emily watching her. Emily quickly raised her glass and drank.

"So when were you in Europe?" Ann asked.

"Did I say I'd been in Europe?" Emily couldn't recall.

"No," Ann smiled, "you didn't. But I've overheard you speaking to your class, and it's obvious that you can think in French. You're not translating in your head like we are, and I figured you must have spent some time in a French speaking area to be that fluent."

"Good deductive reasoning. I went to France as a senior on a Rhodes scholarship, and stayed two more years to work on my Master's."

"How old are you?  If you don't mind my asking," Ann added hastily.

Emily smiled. "No, I don't mind. I'm thirty-two. So my time in France was about ten years ago now.  How about you?"

"Twenty-five."

"Tell me about your family," Emily asked.

"Well, I've got one brother, who's four years older. My father works for an international company, and my mother chose to stop working when we were born. We're all pretty close. My brother works and lives in Manhattan, but I prefer our farm in Massachusetts."

Ann looked over at Emily. "What about your family?"

"I grew up in Pennsylvania. I've got one sister and one brother, both married with two children each so far. I'm the oldest. My parents both teach, so I guess I come by it naturally," Emily shrugged.

"What did you do after getting your Masters?"

Emily's expression changed perceptibly. "I taught high school French and German," Emily responded as she stood. "Can I get you more to drink?"

Ann blinked at the abrupt change in mood and conversation. "No, thank you." She looked at her watch. "I'd better be going," she said as she also stood. "Thanks for letting us jog along with you. It was nice." She tried to catch Emily's eye, but she had already turned and was walking toward the kitchen.

"I'm glad we ran into one another," Emily agreed as she set the glasses in the sink.

Just then, Mr. and Mrs. Gundlach came into the kitchen with bags of groceries.

"Good morning, Miss Emily!" Mr. Gundlach smiled. "And who do we have here?" He put his bags down and turned to Ann.

"This is a new friend of mine, Ann Hight. Ann, Mr. and Mrs. Gundlach."

Ann shook hands with the Gundlachs.  "Hello, it's nice to meet you both.  Are there more bags we can help with?"

"Thank you, girls, yes there are more," Mrs. Gundlach said. She began putting things away as the others brought the bags in.

"Is something special happening, Mrs. Gundlach?" Emily asked. "This is a huge amount of food."

"I forgot to tell you. Joseph, our son, is coming in today for a visit," Mrs. Gundach explained. "He'll be here for three days only, for Labor Day weekend. He's a resident in internal medicine in Cincinnati, Ohio, so he doesn't get much time off," she explained proudly.

"Emily, why don't you and Ann join us for dinner tonight?" Mr. Gundlach invited.

Emily looked at Ann. "Would you like to come?"

"I'd love to," Ann smiled. "What time, and what can I bring?"

"Six o'clock, and if you bring any more food into this house there won't be room for Emily," Mr. Gundlach teased, winking.

"Ach! Out of my kitchen," Mrs. Gundlach clucked. "Out, all of you!"

Emily walked Ann out to her truck. "I guess I'll see you this evening," Ann said.

"I guess so," Emily smiled. As Ann pulled away, Emily ran back into the house, bounding up the steps two at a time all the way upstairs. She wanted to shower and get some work done, so she could relax and enjoy this evening.

Chapter 7

Joseph Gundlach arrived sometime in the afternoon while Emily was at her office. When she returned to the house at four-thirty, he was on the front porch with his father. As he stood for introductions, Emily sensed this is what Mr. Gundlach must have looked like at thirty. Joseph was over six feet, perhaps six three, with thick blond hair combed back off his forehead. He had his father's blue eyes and smile. Emily liked him immediately.

Joseph looked at her quizzically. "You look so familiar to me," he said.

"You know, I was thinking the same thing," she said, perplexed.

"Have you been to Cincinnati?" When Emily said no, he shook his head. "What a weird feeling."

She went upstairs to change into khakis with a crisp white shirt. Then she went down to see if Mrs. Gundlach needed help. Ann arrived at quarter to six with a bottle of wine despite Mr. Gundlach's warning. After being introduced to Joseph, she went into the kitchen.

"Hello! Can I help?" she asked. When Emily turned to say hello, she stopped short. Ann was wearing white slacks and an indigo blouse that highlighted her eyes, making them seem even bluer. 'She's stunning,' Emily thought.

Ann smiled self-consciously. "Do I look all right?"

Emily blushed and stammered, "You look great," then moaned to herself as she realized what she'd said.

The women brought the food to the dining room table. Mrs. Gundlach had outdone herself with roasted chicken, mashed potatoes, peas, fresh salad and fresh bread. She had been cooking all afternoon. As they all sat, Emily noticed that Joseph seated himself next to Ann. His parents wanted to know all about what he was doing, so he did most of the talking. He was almost finished with his residency, and planned to stay in Cincinnati.

"It's a great city," he said to Ann. "Have you ever been there?" When she shook her head, he said, "You really should see it sometime."

Emily tried to squelch the negative feelings stirring within her as she listened to him. Joseph seemed like a nice guy. Ann might really like him.

"I think a city like Avignon is more my style," she said, smiling across the table at Emily. It took a second for the remark to sink in through Emily's reverie. She looked up with surprise and smiled back at Ann. Much of the remainder of the dinner conversation was the Gundlachs catching up on family news. Emily and Ann listened politely.

After dinner, the younger women insisted on doing the dishes while the Gundlachs visited.

"What a wonderful meal," Ann sighed as she washed. "I'm stuffed!"

"I know," Emily laughed as she dried the dishes and put them away. "That's how she feeds me most of the time. I've probably gained ten pounds and it's only been a couple of weeks."

"I love this kitchen," Ann said, looking around. "I can just imagine sitting at the table on a winter evening, with a fire crackling, and watching the deer outside in the snow."

"That sounds wonderful," Emily said wistfully, wishing it could be.

When they had finished the dishes, Mrs. Gundlach came in to cut thick slices of apple pie for everyone while Emily poured coffee.

"Where did you go to medical school?" Ann asked Joseph, once they were all seated again.

"The University of Virginia, in Charlottesville," he replied.

Emily stopped chewing for a moment and stared at her plate.

"I was there for four years before my residency." He frowned a little, looking at Emily.

"That must have been an interesting hospital to be at for med school," Ann said. "It's a beautiful area."

"Yes, it is," he said, still looking at Emily. Ann followed his glance, and saw that Emily had become pale.

"Excuse me, I need more coffee," Emily said, quickly getting up and going into the kitchen.

"I'm ready for a refill, too. Would anyone else like some?" Ann asked as she rose. When she entered the kitchen, she saw Emily standing at the kitchen table with her eyes closed. Ann walked over and placed a hand on Emily's shoulder.

"Are you all right?" she asked with a concerned tone.

Emily started at her touch and turned to her. For an instant Ann sensed Emily was about to say something, but then her brown eyes seemed to cloud over.

"I'm fine. I guess I just ate too much, upset my stomach a little."

They rejoined the others, and Ann poured more coffee for everyone. The conversation had moved on. Emily noticed that Joseph's attention remained mostly on his parents for the remainder of the evening. When Ann was ready to leave, she thanked the Gundlachs for their hospitality. Mrs. Gundlach gave her a hug, and said, "Please come visit us anytime, my dear."

Emily walked Ann to her truck. "I'm really glad you were able to join us tonight," she said sincerely.

"I am, too. It was a nice evening." She opened the door of the Toyota, and then stopped. "Are you sure you're all right, Emily?"

"I'll be fine," she said quietly.

As Ann drove back to her apartment, she wondered what had really happened to Emily this evening. She felt troubled, but wasn't sure why.

When Emily went back into the house, the Gundlachs had settled in the living room. She said goodnight to them, and went upstairs. After she had undressed and climbed into bed, she lay there staring into the dark. Emotions she had been able to run from earlier caught up with her. She fought back tears. 'I will not start this again,' she said to herself. 'Damn you, Caroline... I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.'

It seemed like ages before she drifted off.

Emily was standing in front of a large institutional-looking edifice. She approached the front door, cupping her hands around her eyes to peer through the glass panels in the door.  Two men in white coats came around the corner to stop her. She went around the other way, searching for another door. She finally found one, but people in white coats started chasing her. Every stairwell, every hallway had more white coats trying to keep her out. She ran until she was exhausted, and they caught her, pinning her to the ground while she struggled….

Chapter 8

Sunday morning, the Gundlachs had gone to church, so Emily had the house to herself for a while. She showered and dressed then went down for a quiet cup of coffee. She couldn't believe the irony of meeting someone up here who recognized her. She tried to ignore the fact that she didn't believe in coincidences.

She had gone to her room to study when the Gundlachs returned. A few minutes later, there was a knock on the door.

"Come in," she called out.

Joseph opened the door and poked his head in. "Mind if I come in for a moment?"

"No, not at all," Emily lied, trying to hide the dread she felt.

"I wanted to apologize for catching you off guard last night," he said as he sat in the chair next to the desk. He cleared his throat. "It came back to me only after we started talking about UVA."

"Did you say anything to your parents?" she asked, staring at her book.

"No," he said quickly, "and I won't." He cleared his throat again. "Emily, I don't even know how to tell you how sorry I am… about everything."

She looked up at him, and saw the guilt in his kind eyes. "Joseph, you were a med student. You were as powerless as I was. But thank you," she said, reaching her hand out and laying it on his arm.

"I don't know if it will mean anything to you, but the staff felt so horrible. Your situation sparked a big debate on how to handle issues like it in the future, and I don't think it would be the same now."

"I'm glad of that," she murmured. "Joseph," she said, blinking hard, her throat tightening, "did she ever regain consciousness?"

"No," he replied softly. "She just slipped away."

Emily nodded, but didn't say any more. After a few moments, Joseph said, "Ann seems like a wonderful woman. Is she…?"

"No!" Emily responded as she realized what he was asking. "She's just a friend. There hasn't been anyone else."

"I'm sorry," he stammered, "I didn't mean to pry."

"It's okay," she said. "It's just that I haven't had to deal with this so directly for a long time."

"Well," he said, standing to go, "I'll let you get back to work."

"I'll see you later," Emily smiled. She sat looking out the window for a long time, lost in memories.

Chapter 9

For the next few weeks, Emily buried herself in work. If she wasn't teaching or taking a class herself, she was studying, writing, doing research. Ann noticed a definite change in her demeanor. Emily had sat in on a couple of Lise's classes as part of her responsibility for supervising the teaching assistants. Ann tried to catch her eye, but Emily seemed to be avoiding any eye contact. Waiting out in the corridor where she could often overhear the last few minutes of Emily's class, she noticed that Emily had become more impatient with errors, a little terse in her responses. At the end of class, Emily was almost the first to leave, precluding any attempt at conversation. She also noticed that Emily hadn't been by the farm on morning runs, because she was out with Meg almost every morning, keeping an eye out for Emily's figure on the road.

Ann got a little peeved about Emily's attitude at times, telling herself she wasn't worth worrying about. But then the image of Emily standing in the darkened kitchen would pop into her head, standing there with her eyes closed, looking so hurt and vulnerable.

October arrived with a definite change in the air. Most mornings there was a light frost on car windows, and the leaves really started to change colors, especially the maples as they turned a brilliant crimson. Monday of the first week in October, Ann was sitting on the steps of Whitmore Hall, basking in the sun and trying not very successfully to read her economics text when she saw Emily walking hurriedly toward the building. Glancing at her watch, Ann realized that Emily was late for her French class. As she ran up the steps two at a time, not seeing Ann sitting there, Ann couldn't help noticing how gaunt her face was. She looked as if she hadn't slept in days.

Ann decided she had to say something. On Tuesday, during Emily's office hours, she went to the office. As she entered, Ann surveyed the room and saw that the other instructors were gone.

"May I speak with you?" she asked.

Emily looked up. "Have a seat," she said, pointing to a chair beside her desk.

Ann took a deep breath, and decided to take the leap. "Emily, I'm worried about you," she began. Emily looked at her, and Ann felt she was seeing a shell of the woman she had become acquainted with a few weeks ago. "You haven't been the same since the weekend Joseph was here. Is there anything I can do to help?"

Emily looked at Ann for a long moment, searching her eyes. "I haven't meant to worry you," she said finally. "There's really nothing you can do, it's just something I have to work through." She smiled a weak smile, trying in vain to reassure Ann. "Thank you for asking though." Sato and Heinrich came into the office at that point, and Ann knew the conversation was over.

Emily left the room soon after Ann. She needed to walk, to move. She knew it had taken a lot of courage for Ann to approach her, and she knew Ann had asked out of genuine concern, not idle curiosity. She just needed time. Time had worked before; it would this time, too.

She wandered through town, not knowing or caring where she went. She didn't know how long she walked, but she finally headed back to the Gundlach house. She hadn't spent much time with them lately. Polite conversation was just too hard right now.

She limped through the next few days, keeping herself focused on completing one task at a time. On Friday at lunchtime, she walked downtown. She needed some pens and envelopes, and there was a small stationery and art supply store on one of the side streets. As she approached the store, her eyes caught sight of a painting in the front window. She walked closer for a better view and felt as if someone had knocked the breath out of her.

It was an oil painting of the Shenandoah Valley in Virginia, a view from the Skyline Drive. She remembered the day Caroline had painted it. She'd gone for a long hike to give Caroline the solitude she needed. It had been one of Emily's favorites. Even Caroline had been pleased with it, and she was never happy with her work.

"Isn't it wonderful?" asked the owner of the store. "I just got it from a gallery in New Haven."

Emily turned without answering, and walked away. Nothing was in focus; the world seemed to be spinning. She felt as if she had no control over her legs, but they kept moving. At length, she found herself in the park in front of the little church. She stumbled into the darkness and climbed the hidden stairway to her loft. There she curled up in a small ball, hugging her knees to her chest, rocking. Slowly waves of tears welled from deep within.

Chapter 10

When Ann arrived outside the French classroom Friday afternoon, she realized there were no voices. She peeked in and saw that the classroom was empty except for one student who was sitting at a desk studying.

"Didn't you have class today?" she asked the student.

The student shrugged. "Emily didn't show up. We don't know where she is."

Ann was really scared for Emily now. She anxiously sat through her own French class. As soon as it was over, she looked up the Gundlachs' number and called. Mrs. Gundlach answered the phone.

"Mrs. Gundlach," she said quickly, "this is Emily's friend, Ann. Is Emily there?"

"No, Ann," Mrs. Gundlach replied. "I haven't seen her since this morning."

"Okay," Ann said, trying to sound casual. "If you see her, please tell her I called."

"I will, my dear," Mrs. Gundlach promised.

Ann sat and tried to think of where Emily might have gone. She found Emily's red Honda in the parking lot, and left a note on the windshield. 'At least she hasn't left town,' she thought. She went to the library, searching all the study rooms and tables where people often fell asleep on their books. From there she went to the language office, chiding herself for not going there first. None of the other grad students had seen her, and they were also worried when they realized she hadn't shown for class.

"Do any of you know of any places she goes to study or just get away?" she asked hopefully.

They shook their heads, and Ann was turning to leave the room when Heinrich said, "The only place I remember is in the park. I saw her coming out of the old church there one day."

Ann thanked him and almost ran to the park. She stopped to catch her breath before she entered the church. When she went in, it took a few minutes for her eyes to adjust to the dim light. Her heart fell as she saw the pews were empty. She sat down in one and said a spontaneous prayer asking that Emily be safe.

As she sat in the half-light, trying to think of where else she could look, she heard a low sound. She couldn't identify it at first. It sounded like a moan, as if wind were blowing through pine trees. But when she looked out the windows, the trees were still. She stood up and tried to isolate where the sound was coming from. It still seemed to be emanating from some place high. She wandered toward the front of the church, but the sound became fainter. As she circled to the rear, it was more distinct. She stumbled upon the stairway in the dark corner and climbed up.

There she saw Emily, hands over her face, sobbing uncontrollably. Ann sank down beside her, not sure what to do. Tentatively, she put one arm around her shoulders and pulled Emily to her. She held her tightly as Emily sobbed in her arms, her frail body racked with each wave of a sorrow that seemed bottomless.

"I'm here," Ann whispered. "I'm not going to leave you." Her own eyes filled with tears. What could have injured Emily this deeply?

After a very long time, Emily quieted and fell asleep on Ann's lap, exhausted. Ann watched her sleep, her tear dampened lashes dark against her cheek. She could imagine what she must have looked like as a child. She brushed the damp curls from Emily's forehead, surprised by how soft her hair was. Ann was filled with a tenderness and gentleness unlike anything she had ever felt. She wanted to protect Emily from this horrible hurt, but she didn't even know what it was.

Darkness had fallen when Emily stirred and sat up. "Where am I?" she asked, confused.

"It's all right," Ann said soothingly. "We're in the church in the park."

Emily began to remember. "Oh, Ann," she said, "I'm so sorry…"

"Don't even start," Ann ordered. "Are you okay to get up?" Emily nodded. "Then we're going to my apartment." Emily didn't argue. She seemed small and fragile.

Ann helped her to her feet, and they climbed down from the loft. Ann slipped her arm through Emily's, and guided her back to where the Toyota was parked. Emily didn't speak and Ann didn't push for conversation. When they got to her apartment, Ann turned on one low light. While Emily went to the bathroom to blow her nose and wash her face, Ann warmed some soup. They sat on the couch and ate in silence.

When Emily was done, Ann took the bowl and sat on the coffee table so she was face to face with her. "Now, what happened?" she asked gently, but firmly.

Emily closed her eyes, and mumbled, "I'm not sure where to start."

"At the beginning."

She opened her eyes, staring at nothing. "When I was a sophomore, I met a woman on campus who was an art major. Her name was Caroline Blake. She had red hair and green eyes. She was unlike anyone I had ever known. We fell in love."

Emily paused to see what impact her revelation had. Ann waited patiently for her to continue. "When I went to Europe, Caroline went with me. She painted while I studied. We were very happy together.

"After I got my Master's, we moved to Virginia where I taught high school French and German, and she painted. Some of her work sold, and she was beginning to develop a following.

"One day four years ago, a policeman came to call me out of class. He said that Caroline had been in an accident, and was being flown to UVA's trauma unit." Emily paused for a long time, lost in memories. Ann waited.

"When I got to UVA, Caroline's parents were already there. She was in intensive care, and the rules said immediate family only. Her parents ordered the hospital staff not to let me see her."

Ann's eyes filled with tears. Emily's face was blank.

"They stood in the corridor and screamed at me, accusing me of perverting their daughter. There was nothing I could do. She was in a coma. I stayed in Charlottesville for three days, hoping to get to see her. Then she died. Joseph said she never woke up." Ann reached out and placed a hand on Emily's knee, tears falling down her face. Emily seemed to be almost in a trance.

"When I got home, her parents had obtained a restraining order barring me from our house until they had removed her things. They took everything: her clothes, her paintings, her books, our photos. I had nothing but memories." She looked at Ann. "I loved her so much, and I never got to say goodbye," she finished softly.

Ann's heart was breaking, thinking of the pain Emily had been living with these last four years, but she sensed that Emily needed to bring this out from wherever she had kept it walled up. Ann refrained from moving to the couch to hold her.

"So Joseph was at UVA when all this happened?" she asked gently.

Emily nodded. "He was a med student. That's how he figured out where he knew me from the other weekend."

Finally Ann understood the downward spiral of these past few weeks. "But did something happen today that…" Ann wasn't sure what to call today's event, a breakdown? She felt as if she wasn't qualified to be the one Emily opened up to, but it didn't seem like a good idea to stop her now that she was finally talking.

"Her parents are selling her paintings," Emily said. "I saw one in a shop window downtown. I guess I just lost it."

"Emily, I'm so sorry," Ann said softly, "about everything."

Emily's eyes suddenly widened. "I didn't make it to class today. Everyone must be worried. I'm sorry…"

Ann interrupted by moving to the couch and putting her arm around Emily's shoulders. "You need to take care of yourself, Emily. You're staying here tonight. No arguments," she said firmly as Emily opened her mouth to protest. "I'll let Mrs. Gundlach know you're here for the night. We'll see about tomorrow."

Ann called Mrs. Gundlach, and told her that Emily was spending the night. Then she found a large t-shirt for Emily to wear, and rummaged around in the bathroom until she found an extra toothbrush. After Emily had changed and come out of the bathroom, Ann showed her into the bedroom.

"I can't sleep in your bed," Emily protested.

"Nonsense," Ann countered.

"What about you?" Emily asked.

"I'll sleep on the sofa," Ann said.

"Ann…"

"No more discussion," Ann insisted. "Goodnight," she added more gently.

 After washing and changing into a nightshirt, Ann stretched out on the couch, pulling a crocheted blanket up around her neck. Lying there, she thought about all that Emily had told her. It hadn't occurred to her that Emily was gay. She'd never had a gay friend, at least not that she knew of. She wasn't shocked or repulsed. Emily's love for Caroline seemed so real and genuine. It was a depth of emotion Ann had yet to experience, but she had witnessed that kind of love in her parents' relationship. She herself had had one long-term relationship with a man. She had cared for him, but she had known something was missing. So she was content to wait for what her parents had. She felt sure it would come in time.

She pondered the anguish Emily had been through. She couldn't fathom the cruelty of being denied the opportunity to see the person she loved as she lay dying, or of having every tangible memento of that person taken from her. Her eyes filled with tears again at the thought of the pain Emily had been living with all this time.

At last she drifted into a restless sleep. She wasn't sure what time it was when she heard something. Startled awake, she listened in the dark. It was Emily in the bathroom. Ann waited. Emily was in there for a long time. With the same feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach which she had felt earlier in the day, she remembered that she had a couple of bottles of powerful prescription pain killers from old riding injuries in the medicine chest. She got up and knocked on the door.

"Emily? Are you all right?" She thought she heard the medicine chest door snap shut. The door opened, and Emily was standing there.

"I needed a drink of water."

"Have you been able to sleep?"

Emily shook her head.

"Would it be easier not to be alone?"

"I don't want to make you uncomfortable," Emily said, very self-conscious now that Ann knew she was gay.

Ann took Emily by the shoulders, and looked her square in the eye. "You haven't made me uncomfortable at all. I just didn't want to disturb you."

"It wouldn't disturb me," Emily said. She looked down. "Actually, I'd rather not be alone."

Ann knew that wasn't easy for her to say. They went in to the bedroom and climbed into bed. Emily lay stiffly on one side.

"Would you like me to hold you until you fall asleep?" Ann asked softy.

"Thank you," Emily whispered, moving into Ann's arms. She felt Ann's breath on her hair, and smelled a subtle perfume. Slowly, she felt the tension in her neck and shoulders ease. Ann listened to Emily's breathing slow and grow deeper. Finally, she, too, fell asleep.

Chapter 11

When Ann woke the next morning, Emily was already awake, watching her.

"Good morning," Ann smiled. "How did you sleep?"

"I did sleep, for the first time in ages," Emily said.

"Good. Let me use the bathroom real fast then you can shower while I make some coffee," Ann said as she got up. She went to the bathroom to brush her teeth, and when she opened the medicine chest, a plastic bottle fell off the shelf into the sink. Picking it up and looking at the label, it was one of the medicines she had remembered. She stood there staring at the bottle for a long time. With her heart pounding, she took the bottles to the kitchen and hid them in a cupboard there.

While Ann busied herself in the kitchen, Emily stood under the hot shower for a long time, letting the water splash into her face. She felt as if more than her body were being cleansed by the stream. She was amazed at the depth of Ann's compassion. They barely knew one another, yet she had come looking for her, making it her business, despite Emily's past objections, to see if she was okay.

When she was dressed, she went out to the kitchen where the aroma of coffee brewing was mixed with the scent of pancakes on the griddle.

"Hope you're hungry," Ann said, smiling at her from the stove.

"Actually, I'm starving," Emily realized.

"Good! Why don't you pour us both some coffee? The mugs are in that cupboard," she said, pointing. Emily reached in to get two coffee mugs and saw the pill bottles tucked in between some cups further in. She turned a deep red, but said nothing as she poured the coffee.

They talked about ordinary things as they ate. Emily ate six pancakes before pushing her plate back.

"You were hungry," Ann nodded.  "I'm impressed."

Emily grinned sheepishly. "You haven't seen me at my usual hunger level."

"You must be expensive to feed," Ann said, one eyebrow raised.

Emily laughed. It felt good to laugh. Ann thought it was a wonderful sound. When they had finished, Ann said, "I'll shower, and then let's go for a drive."

"I really should get back to – "

"Get back to what?" Ann demanded. "There is absolutely nothing that has to be done this weekend."

Emily acquiesced. While Ann showered, she cleaned up the kitchen. They grabbed two light jackets from Ann's closet, as there was a fall chill to the mornings now. They filled the Toyota with gas, and just drove. Emily didn't even know where they were going. It was so nice to let someone else be in control for a while.

They stopped in small towns and wandered through antique shops and flea markets. For lunch, they stopped at a roadside café. The sun was shining and the leaves were just beginning to turn. There were lots of other leaf watchers on the roads with them, but it was too early for the peak tourist invasion.

They continued in a generally northern direction throughout the afternoon. Finally, Emily asked, "Shouldn't we be heading back?"

"We're not going back tonight," Ann announced. "While you were in the shower, I made a couple of phone calls and got reservations at an inn on Lake Champlain. There's a bag with t-shirts, toothbrushes and a change of clothes in the back." She looked over at Emily. "You look about my size. I think my clothes will fit for a day."

"Ann, that is so thoughtful of you, but I can't let you do that," Emily argued.

"It's done," Ann replied matter-of-factly. "Besides, you're not driving." She looked over with a smile that made Emily's heart ache.

Emily thought for a minute. There really wasn't anything she had to get back to. She'd worked so much the last few weeks she was ahead in all her classes. She settled back in the comfortable leather seat. "All right, you're the boss," she sighed. Then she added, "for the weekend."

Ann laughed, and started telling more stories of growing up with the ponies and horses she had loved. As darkness began to fall, they got to the southern end of Lake Champlain. She pulled into the parking lot of a charming old house on the lake road.

They checked in to their room, furnished with two twin beds and antique night stands. The dormer window looked out onto the lake, which still reflected the last glow of sunset from the western sky. They stood together at the window, watching the last light fade from the sky.

"Ann," Emily said humbly, "I don't know how to thank you for all you've done."

Ann slid an arm around her. "I'm just glad you let me help." She gave Emily a quick squeeze. "Come on, I'm hungry!"

They went downstairs to the dining room. They both had steaks, baked potatoes and a large salad. After dinner they put on their jackets and went for a walk. An almost full moon had risen, lighting their way. They crossed the road to the rocky shore of the lake.

"Can you skip rocks?" Emily asked. She picked up a nice, flat stone and sent it skipping over the water…six, seven, eight skips.

Ann picked up a stone, but only got two skips. Emily showed her how to curl her index finger around the edge to get the right spin on the stone as it was released. Ann got five skips on the next one. They skipped a few more then kept walking. One rocky point jutted out into the water a little. They clambered out and stood listening to the soft lap of the water against the rocks.

"This is beautiful," Emily breathed. "Caroline would have loved to paint this." She looked at Ann in the moonlight. "This is the first time I've spoken about her since she died. I'm not sure why I can talk about her to you."

"Maybe it's just that you're finally healing a little," Ann suggested. "Four years is a long time to mourn someone, Emily, but I don't think you've even allowed yourself to mourn. Did you get to attend her funeral?"

Emily shook her head. "I couldn't risk another confrontation with her family. I didn't want her funeral to be marred by something like that."

"Her parents must have known how important your relationship was to her."

"No!" Emily exclaimed. "She would never tell them, but they guessed. I think they resented me from the beginning. She said they would never understand, and she didn't want to hurt them."

"Even at the risk of hurting you?" Ann was incredulous that people could hide something so important from the very people who should know them best. "Did the two of you not set up power of attorney to protect each other in case something happened?"

"I know she never thought they would act like they did," Emily said, shaking her head.

"Does your family know?" Ann was curious.

Emily paused before answering. "Caroline made me promise not to tell them. She was afraid they would react angrily and call her parents." Emily looked out at the lake. "My family is very reserved. My parents didn't ask prying questions, probably because they didn't want to know, but they also never turned it into a choice between Caroline or them. I'm sure they know on some level." She shivered in her light jacket.

"Let's go back," Ann suggested. They walked back to the road and followed it to the inn.

When they got to their room, there were two glasses of chilled chablis waiting.

"I'm not sure you even like wine," Ann explained, "but I thought it might help relax us before bed."

"I do like wine," Emily smiled, and shook her head. "I can't believe all that you've done. You have been so kind."

Ann came over and gave Emily a hug. Emily hugged her back, holding her tightly. She was astonished at Ann's openness. She wasn't afraid that Emily would misinterpret her touch. It was so rare to find someone this guileless. She released Ann reluctantly. It felt so good to be touched, just physical contact with someone who cared about her and didn't want or expect anything. She hadn't been held or touched by anyone for four years.

They sat side by side on one of the beds, pillows propped against the headboard. Sipping their wine, they talked about growing up, school, and friends. At length, their glasses were empty, and they were ready for sleep. They changed and washed up then finally crawled under the covers. Once again, Ann was awakened by a soft sound. She saw Emily standing at the window with moonlight outlining her soft curls. She could hear Emily weeping, not the heartwrenching sobs of yesterday, but a cleansing flow of tears. Ann lay there awhile, letting her cry, and then got up and went to her. She put her arms around her and held her. Emily buried her face in Ann's neck and wept.

When the tears finally stopped, Emily went into the bathroom to blow her nose. When she emerged, she said sheepishly, "You must think all I do is cry."

Ann stated more than asked, "You haven't cried since Caroline died, have you?" Emily looked out the window and didn't answer. "Your emotions can only stay dammed up for so long, Emily, and then they've got to spill over."

"Well the dam has definitely sprung a leak," Emily replied with a sad smile.

"Do you think you can sleep now?" Ann asked.

Emily smiled. "I think so." She climbed back into her bed. "Good night."

Sunday morning they slept late. After showering and packing their small bag, they went down to enjoy a wonderful breakfast of waffles, bacon, home fries and homemade biscuits. With full stomachs, they got back in the Toyota and began the drive south to Weston.

At one point, during a lull in the conversation, Ann tentatively asked, "Emily, back in Virginia, didn't you have any friends, any support to help you get through everything that happened?"

Emily shook her head no. "Caroline didn't want anyone to know about us. She insisted all we needed was each other."

"Please don't take this the wrong way – I don't mean to belittle Caroline, but it seems as if she dictated an awful lot about your relationship. Were you okay with all the secrecy? All the hiding?"

"It's not like I had a choice," Emily said a little defensively.

"I'm sorry," Ann said quickly.

"No, I'm sorry, Ann," Emily reached a hand out apologetically, "I just… I guess I did have a choice, but I wasn't prepared to take the chance that she would leave."

After that, there were long lapses with each lost in her own thoughts.

When they got back to town, Ann took Emily to where her car was waiting. "Ann," Emily began, "there aren't words enough to thank you." She looked into Ann's eyes, so clear and blue she felt she was falling into them. "I don't know what I would have done without you."

Ann thought about the pills, and she turned to face Emily. Taking a deep breath, she said, "Emily, I have to know that you're not going to do anything to hurt yourself."

Emily burned a deep red, and, looking down at her hands, she murmured, "That night… I can't deny I thought about it, but I could never have done that to you."

"That only tells me you wouldn't have done it in my apartment.  I need to know you won't do it at all."

Emily met Ann's eyes.  "I promise you, that won't happen. I can't tell you how ashamed I am…"

"You don't have to be ashamed of hurting, Emily.  Just don't bottle it up until it threatens to kill you." She reached out and laid a hand on Emily's knee. "Promise me you'll talk to someone – me or a counselor or whoever."

"I promise." Emily smiled. Reaching for the door handle, she said, "See you later."

As she drove to the Gundlach house, Emily saw Ann's note flapping on the windshield. She removed it when she parked and tucked it into her pocket.

"Emily!" said Mrs. Gundlach as she came in. "Did you have a nice weekend, my dear?" Her voice was cheerful and casual, but her eyes were anxious, searching.

"It was a good weekend," Emily tried to convey to Mrs. Gundlach that she was okay. It had been a good weekend, good for her soul despite the pain that had surfaced.

She had a quiet dinner with the Gundlachs, telling them about the towns and shops they had visited. She said goodnight early, and went up to bed. She felt fairly sure the disturbing dreams of the past four years would be less frequent now.

Chapter 12

When Emily got to the office Monday morning, she apologized to the other grad students. She knew that Ann had gone to them, and that they must have been worried. She told them that she had unexpectedly become ill, which she figured was close to the truth. She also apologized to her French class that afternoon. They seemed fine with her explanation and were more interested in Wednesday's exam.

Ann noticed during their brief meetings at the change of classes that Emily's eyes looked brighter, though her face was still thin. She seemed to be having fun teaching, something that had been missing for the last few weeks. Emily settled into a more normal study schedule. She and Ann met at the library a few times and studied together.

Friday afternoon when she got back to the Gundlach house, Mrs. Gundlach told her that Ann had dropped by with a package, which she had left up in Emily's room. When Emily got upstairs, she scanned the room but didn't see anything. Not until she stepped into the room and looked back at her bed did she see it. Caroline's painting was propped against the headboard.

Emily's breath caught in her throat, and she couldn't move for a moment. Slowly, she went to the bed, and took the framed canvas in her hands. She could see Caroline at her easel that day on Skyline Drive. She could see the brush strokes, which were uniquely hers. Her hands were trembling as her finger traced the small CBLAKE in the lower right corner of the canvas.

She sat there for a long time, and finally propped the painting on her desk. She went down to tell Mrs. Gundlach she'd be out for a while, and then drove to Ann's apartment. When Ann opened the door, Emily stepped in and hugged her. Surprised at the spontaneity of Emily's gesture, Ann wrapped her arms around Emily and held her tightly. Emily whispered, "You leave me speechless."

"You don't have to say anything," Ann said softly. "I just wanted you to have it." She let Emily go and invited her in.

As Emily came into the living room, she saw an open suitcase on the bed in the room beyond. "I'm sorry. You were packing to go somewhere," she apologized.

"Don't be silly," Ann said. "I was talking to my parents last night and decided to go home this weekend."

"Good for you," Emily said, although it suddenly felt a little empty knowing that Ann wouldn't be in town.

"Why don't you come with me?" Ann's eyes lit up.

Emily thought about her workload. There was nothing very pressing. "How would your parents feel about someone they don't know coming into their home for the weekend?"

"They love company," Ann assured her, "and I really want you to meet them. Say you'll go."

Emily smiled at Ann's earnest expression. "I'll run home and pack. I don't think I should wear your clothes this time."

Ann laughed and said she'd be by in half an hour to pick Emily up.

Emily packed quickly, tossing one nice outfit into her suitcase in the event they went out. Ann arrived promptly, and they set off. The trees were at their peak, and as the evening waned, the angled rays of the sun set the trees on fire.

They stopped for a quick dinner at a small restaurant, and then continued their trip. Just like last weekend, the conversation drifted among a variety of topics as if they had known one another for years. Within two hours, they were pulling into a long, tree-lined drive. On either side were white board fences, but Emily couldn't see beyond them in the darkness. The drive led up to a beautiful stone and white clapboard house, which was lit in welcome. There was a deep front porch that wrapped around the house, with its shallow roof extending out from under the second story windows. Off to one side was a large detached garage, also two stories, with four bays for cars.

Ann parked in one of the bays, and they pulled out their suitcases. There was a sharp chill in the air, and their breath was frosty in the diffused light from the house.

Ann burst through the door. "We're here!" she announced. Her parents came from different parts of the house.

Her mother hurried over and gave her daughter a big hug. "Welcome home, honey." She held her at arm's length, and looked her up and down. "Campus life must agree with you."

"Hello, Annie," her father said warmly as he came in from another room. "You look wonderful."  He gave Ann a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

"Hi, Dad," Ann said, kissing him back. "I want you both to meet a dear friend of mine, Emily Warner."

"Hello, Emily," Katharine said, taking Emily's hand in both of hers.

"It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Hight."

"Please, call me Katharine," she insisted. "This is Ann's father, Owen." Emily could see how strongly Ann resembled her father as she shook his hand.

"We're glad to have you, Emily," Owen said, holding her hand a moment longer. "Did you two get any dinner?"

"We stopped on the road, but I'm hungry again," Ann said. "I don't suppose there's any pie in the kitchen?" she teased her mother.

"Oh, I might be able to scrounge some up," her mother laughed.

They all went to the kitchen, a large comfortable room with an enamel woodstove giving it a cozy warmth. Owen made coffee while Katharine cut big pieces of the thickest apple pie Emily had ever seen. When they sat down at the table, Emily's first bite melted in her mouth.

"This is the best apple pie I've ever tasted!" she exclaimed.

"Well thank you, Emily," Katharine said, smiling proudly. "I'm surprised my family don't all weigh a ton as much food as they go through."

"Can't help it," Ann said with her mouth full. "Your cooking is wonderful!"

"Hush," her mother scolded. "And don't talk with your mouth full."

Emily laughed, and Ann grinned back at her. They all polished off their pie, and sat drinking coffee and chatting. Ann told her parents all about her classes.

"And what do you do, Emily?" Katharine asked.

"I'm working on my doctorate and teaching German and French," Emily replied. "Teaching takes care of my tuition and gives me a small stipend."

"Hey, look!" Ann exclaimed, jumping up from the table. "It's snowing!" They all peered out the kitchen window. In the light spilling onto the back patio, thick flakes of snow were falling. It was already starting to stick to the grass.

"Want to go for a walk?" Ann asked.

"You two go ahead," Owen said. "Your mother and I will pass for now."

Ann and Emily went to get their jackets. They hadn't brought hats or gloves, so Ann rummaged around in an old wooden chest in the front hall, and found some they could wear.

After the girls had left the house, Katharine turned to Owen. "Have you ever seen her this happy?"

"No," Owen smiled thoughtfully, "I don't think I have."

Ann and Emily ran into the night, feeling a childlike thrill at the cold wetness of snowflakes landing on their faces. They tried to catch them on their tongues, blinking when the large flakes stuck to their eyelashes. The snow was coming down fast, and their tracks were covered quickly. They stayed outside until their cheeks were numb, and then went back in.

"Oh, that was fun," they laughed as they shook snow off their jackets and took off their snowy shoes. Neither of them had brought boots. They went to get fresh cups of coffee and joined Katharine and Owen who were sitting in the den with a roaring fire and an old movie on the television. The movie was 'Bringing Up Baby' with Katharine Hepburn and Cary Grant.

"That's what this house reminds me of!" Emily exclaimed as Hepburn and Grant ran around the aunt's farmhouse.

"I think my father was secretly in love with Katharine Hepburn," Katharine said.

'He's not the only one,' Emily thought.

Katharine continued.  "He had an architect design this house after that one, and I was named for her. I inherited the farm when he died, and we've lived here ever since."

"I think your father knew what he was doing," Owen observed. "You certainly had her red hair and, uh…"

"Independence," she finished for him.

"I was going to say stubbornness," Owen laughed, "but independence is a good word."

Emily blushed and Ann laughed as Owen put his arms around his wife and gave her a kiss. Emily genuinely liked them. They were obviously very much in love, and she could see where Ann got her openness, but she wasn't accustomed to such displays of affection. Her parents were very reserved in comparison.

They all settled back to watch the remainder of the movie. When it was over, Owen and Katharine said goodnight. Ann turned off the television and the lights, and put another log on the fire.

"Your parents are great," Emily said as Ann sat back down beside her on the sofa.

"Yes," she agreed, "I think I'll keep them."

"They seem to be very much in love. How long have they been married?"

"Thirty-three years." Ann looked into the fire. "That's the kind of relationship I want, one that grows stronger with time."

They were silent for a while, watching the light of the fire flicker on the furniture and listening to the popping of the logs.

"Why aren't you dating anyone?" Emily asked. They hadn't talked at all about Ann's relationships.

"I haven't met anybody recently that I care to date," Ann shrugged. "The last man I dated steadily was another Peace Corps volunteer. We were pretty serious while I was in Africa, but he just wasn't someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with."

"Ann," Emily started, and then hesitated, "you must have been told often how beautiful you are." She swallowed. "You must have men constantly asking you out."

"Yes," Ann replied honestly. Emily appreciated Ann's lack of false modesty. "But after a couple of dates, when you expect to be getting to know someone, I still catch them looking around to see if other men are noticing." She stirred the fire and then sat down again.

"Paul, the guy I met in Africa, was probably the closest I've come to someone whom I felt really got to know me," she paused, thinking, "but something was missing. I don't even know how to articulate what it was, but I knew I wanted more." Something flickered across Emily's face, as if she were going to say something, but changed her mind.

"What about you?" Ann asked, changing the subject. "Have you ever dated men?"

"Nope," Emily answered, shaking her head. "I think I've always known I was gay. Even when I was too young to have words for how I felt, I knew it was women I was drawn to emotionally. There were crushes on other women, but Caroline was my first relationship."

"Did you feel completely fulfilled with her?" Ann looked over at Emily.

"I thought so," Emily said, trying to recall. "I mean, we were twenty when we met, so our early years together certainly had moments of immaturity. And the strain of hiding our relationship was becoming greater as time went on." She was silent for a moment. "I've been thinking about the questions you were asking me last weekend. I feel kind of guilty even saying this, but I think her family would have forced her to choose between me and them at some point…," she looked at her hands, "and I honestly don't know that she would have chosen me," she finished, very softly.

Ann looked at her. The firelight was throwing golden highlights on Emily's curls, and her face looked austere in the dancing light. "I think that would have been very foolish," Ann murmured. Her pulse had quickened a little, and there was a strange fluttering in her stomach.

Emily looked up, and their eyes locked. Ann's seemed light grey in the dim light, but Emily's were large and very dark. For several seconds, neither of them looked away or spoke. Finally, Emily turned back to the fire. Despite the warmth, she was shivering. They sat in silence, watching the fire burn down, each lost in her private thoughts.

Finally, the newest log burned through and fell off the grate. "Why don't we head upstairs?" Ann said as she rose to close the glass doors of the fireplace. Emily stood and followed Ann up. Owen had carried their suitcases up for them and had set them in the hallway. Ann flipped on the light in her room.  It was decorated with simple cherry Shaker furniture. A double bed was along one wall with a long dresser on the adjacent wall. There was a door into a bathroom with the closet entrance beside that. The fourth wall had a bay window with a window seat, and a desk and chair next to the window.

Emily liked the simple clean lines. "This is a wonderful room," she said admiringly. "You must have loved that window seat growing up."

"I did," Ann said, smiling. "That seat was my favorite spot for reading. It was where I got acquainted with Flicka and the Black Stallion."

"Horses even then?" Emily smiled.

"Of course," Ann laughed. "I still have all those books," she said, indicating built-in shelves under the window seat. "Come, I'll show you Michael's room," Ann said, picking up Emily's suitcase. She led the way to the second room down the hall, and Emily realized that the bathroom connected the two rooms.

Ann's brother's room was more spartan, partially reflecting the masculine influence of its former occupant, and partially reflecting the empty feeling left when a room's inhabitant has moved away. The bed, dresser and desk were walnut with a dark plaid spread. Ann set Emily's suitcase on the bed.

"There are clean towels and washcloths in the bathroom closet," she said. She walked back toward the hall, and stopped at the door. She looked back at Emily standing by the bed. "Good night, Emily," she said.

"Good night," came the reply as she closed the door.

After all the lights had gone out, and the house had become silent, they both lay in the dark for a long time before sleep came.

Chapter 13

When Ann woke, there was an extra hush everywhere. She got up and ran to the window. The world was white. Overnight five or six inches of snow had fallen, sitting in the crooks of tree branches, and coating the leaves which hadn't yet fallen. She ran through the bathroom into Emily's room, and stopped short as she found the bed neatly made and the room empty. She ran back into the bathroom, brushed her teeth and hair, and then dressed quickly and ran downstairs.

She found Emily in the kitchen with her parents. Katharine was teaching Emily how to make crepes.

"Well, good morning, Sleeping Beauty!" her father said, kissing her on the cheek as he walked over to refill his coffee cup.

"How did you sleep?" her mother asked.

"Apparently pretty well," she replied ruefully. "I haven't heard a sound from down here."

"Isn't it beautiful outside?" Emily asked from the stove.

"Yes, it is," Ann answered, pouring herself a cup of coffee. "I didn't know you could cook."

"Well, I don't much," Emily shrugged, "but I never get the chance at all now with Mrs. Gundlach."

"Emily was telling us about the Gundlachs," Owen said. "They sound like very nice people."

"They really are," Ann said, sitting at the table with her father.

"Well, they've certainly taken a liking to you," Emily said, trying to flip her crepe which landed half in the pan and half out. Katharine laughed, and helped her pick it up to place it in the pan. When it was done, Emily slid it onto a plate and brought it over to Ann.

"Here, I'll make you try the first one before I risk any on your father."

Ann spread orange marmalade on the crepe and rolled it. She took a bite, while everyone watched. "Not bad," she pronounced. "You can cook for me anytime." She smiled up at Emily, who blushed and went back to try another.

This one she flipped like a pro. She made several more, and they all ate until they were full.

After the dishes were cleared away, Ann asked, "Would you like to go sledding?"

"That sounds great!" Emily said.

"Mom, Dad, how about it?" Ann asked.

"Want to go, Kath?" Owen looked at his wife.

"Why not?"

They dug more hats, gloves and scarves from the wooden chest. Ann found some old boots of hers that fit Emily. Owen climbed up to the second floor of the garage and found two sleds and a toboggan. They dragged all three across a field and up a long hill, which was a little steeper on its far side.

Ann and Emily rode the sleds first. As they slid down the hill, dodging the couple of trees left standing there, Owen and Katharine flew past them under their combined weight on the toboggan. After a few passes on the sleds, Ann suggested her parents use them, and let Emily and her try the toboggan. Emily sat down, taking the rope in her hands. Ann placed her hands on Emily's shoulders and pushed while Emily braced her back against the pressure. Ann jumped on and sat behind Emily, wrapping her arms around her. They leaned to one side and then to the other, carving an undulating wave as they descended. When they got near the bottom, they leaned too far and toppled over, rolling somersaults the rest of the way down the hill. They come to a stop in a heap, with Ann lying across Emily. They were both laughing so hard, neither could move for a minute.

Then Ann got off Emily, and, propped on her hands and knees, looked down at her. They were both out of breath. Ann noted the varying shades of brown in Emily's eyes, lighter gold near the pupil with bands of gradually darker browns near the edge of the iris. 'She's beautiful,' Ann thought. As soon as she thought it, she got up and brushed herself off. She held a mittened hand out to Emily and helped her to her feet. They got the toboggan and pulled it back up the hill.

They all stayed out sledding for a couple of hours, and then, chilled and wet, headed back to the house. They shed the wettest layer in the front hall, and then all went upstairs to put on dry clothes. When they got back downstairs, Owen built a fire in the den. Emily's cheeks were flushed and her curls were still damp. She had put on a turtleneck and jeans. Ann noticed things she hadn't really seen before, Emily's slender hips and long legs, her slightly muscular shoulders and arms accentuated by the clinging knit of the turtleneck.

Both Ann and Emily had brought books so they settled down to get some studying done. Katharine had some calls to make, and Owen needed to do some work on his computer in the study. Emily sat in a large overstuffed chair near the fire while Ann stretched out on the sofa. The only sounds were the crackling of the fire and the occasional rustle of pages being turned.

At one point, Emily looked up and saw Ann watching her, her book lowered. Ann smiled a little and picked her book back up. After that, Emily refused to look, although she felt Ann's gaze from time to time.

About three o'clock, Owen came in to the den. "We never had lunch. Aren't you two getting hungry?" They both realized they were. "How about an early dinner at Isadoro's?"

"Do you like Italian food?" Ann asked Emily.

"I love it," Emily answered.

"Good," Owen said. "Let's all get changed and we'll go."

Emily was glad she had packed some nicer clothes. She wore a red cashmere sweater with tan slacks. The cashmere felt very soft on her skin. When she was done dressing she ran a brush through her hair. Ann knocked on her bathroom door and came in to the bedroom. Her black hair shone. She was wearing a navy turtleneck with gray wool slacks. The navy of her sweater made her eyes seem a paler blue than usual.

"You look," Emily started to say without realizing, then decided to go ahead and finish her thought, "beautiful."

"Thank you," Ann said, turning a little red. "So do you," she said earnestly.

They stood there for a moment, very aware of the tension in the air. It was broken by Owen's voice from the hall.

"Girls," he called out, "are you ready?"

"We're coming," Ann responded, and they both went out the door of Emily's room to join her father in the hall.

"Well, well," Owen smiled, handsomely dressed in a dark grey suit. "I am one lucky man to have three such beautiful women all to myself." Ann and Emily just laughed and went down to get their coats. Katharine was already downstairs, dressed in a green pantsuit, which was very flattering on her.

Owen drove the Land Cruiser into town and pulled up at a quaint building. Isadoro and his wife, AnaMaria, greeted the Hights enthusiastically and were gracious in their welcome to Emily. They were served a wonderful salad, followed by homemade pasta topped with a delicious red sauce, and a smorgasbord of meatballs, chicken and pork chops in more sauce. Their wine glasses were never permitted to empty, and Emily found that the wine went quickly to her head. She began drinking water, not wanting to let the wine get the better of her. The dinner conversation was animated. Since it was early, and there were few other diners present, Isadoro and AnaMaria joined them for short periods of time.

At one point, Owen said, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to go to L.A. tomorrow, Kath."

"Oh, Owen," she said, placing her hand on his, "do you have to be there in person?"

"I'm afraid so, honey," he responded. "Why don't you come with me? We can go to San Diego after I'm done with business and have a little vacation."

"I don't know," she began.

"Mom, you should go," Ann chimed in. "We're leaving tomorrow anyhow. It would be a great time of the year to go to California."

"It does sound like fun," Katharine said, giving in.

"Good!" Owen turned to Emily. "Don't ever be the boss, if you value time off."

She smiled and agreed with him. Then as Owen and Katharine discussed their plans, she turned to Ann with raised eyebrows. Ann shrugged and smiled a little then turned to her angel hair pasta with a great deal of concentration.

They all declined dessert, preferring to return to the house for Katharine's apple pie. When they got back to the house, they changed back into comfortable clothes before reconvening in the kitchen.

"Tell me about your business," Emily said to Owen.

"Well, it primarily involves working with independent biomedical and pharmaceutical companies who might be duplicating each other's work in an effort to keep everything secret, and trying to get them to work jointly on various breakthroughs. Then we get the ideas to the companies with the technology to put it all into mass production."

"That must take you all over the world," Emily said.

"It does.  It gets old, but it's part of the job."

Emily nodded slightly.  "What does Michael do?"

"He's working for an investment firm in New York," Katharine told her. "He researches small companies which look promising for mutual funds."

Finances and investments mystified Emily. She was lucky if she could get her checkbook to balance. She turned to Ann. "I never really asked you what you want to do."

"I hope to get my MBA and go to work for an international banking firm. I'd like to develop investment strategies that would convince them to devote resources to small communities like the one I worked in when I was in Africa." She was very earnest as she spoke. "The people there want to work, and would be able to accomplish a lot if they had some initial capital invested to get them started."

"What about your family, Emily?" Owen had been watching Emily's face as Ann spoke.

"My parents both teach in public schools. My father is a high school physics teacher, and my mother teaches fourth grade," she said, feeling that her family's accomplishments were pretty common after the Hights'. "My younger brother is a manager of a store, and my sister works part-time in the accounting department of a medical practice. They each have two children, so I have two nieces and two nephews to spoil and then give back to their parents. It's my way of getting even with my brother and sister," she said, grinning.

"What do you want to do with your doctorate?" Katharine asked.

"I want to teach," she answered simply.

"Good for you," Owen said, smiling. "Teaching is a wonderful profession, and if you have a gift for it," he looked over at Ann, who was watching Emily with shining eyes, "it would be a shame not to use it."

They moved out to the den, and Ann poked the fire back to life, adding a couple of logs. They all settled back to watch some television. Owen and Katharine sat snuggled together on the sofa. Emily was in her chair, and Ann was stretched out on the floor with her head resting on an oversized pillow. By ten o'clock Owen and Katharine said goodnight. They needed to pack for their trip. They would have to leave by ten the next morning to catch their flight.

Ann got up and poked the fire again.

"Why didn't you tell me your father owned the company?" Emily was curious.

Ann used the poker to send sprays of sparks up the flue. "People usually get a little strange once they know that, so," she shrugged, "I've learned not to say." She turned to Emily, and asked, "Does it change anything?"

Emily looked at Ann, firelight illuminating one side of her beautiful face. She thought of all the characteristics she had come to appreciate in Ann: her honesty, her openness and compassion. "No," she smiled, "it doesn't change a thing."

Ann sat down with her back resting against Emily's chair. Her right arm was touching Emily's leg. They sat in silence for a while. It seemed so much longer than one week since Ann had rescued her. Her heart swelled with gratitude to Ann for all that she had done. Emily hoped she could be as good a friend if Ann ever needed it.

Upstairs, Owen and Katharine had finished most of their packing. They were lying in bed, talking.

"Kath," Owen said, "I'm not sure, but if I had to describe Ann's mood this weekend, I'd say she's falling in love."

Katharine let out a breath. "I wasn't sure you saw it," she said, turning to him. "How do you feel about it?"

He shrugged. "All her life, we've taught her to choose her own path, and I think she's made good choices. I think we have to trust that she'll make the right decision this time, too."

"Emily seems like a truly good person," Katharine mused. "I think she really cares about Ann, but there's something I can't quite put my finger on... I don't know."

"Do you think Ann has figured it out yet?" he asked.

Katharine shook her head. "I just can't tell."

"I guess we'll have to wait till she's ready to tell us," Owen sighed.

Chapter 14

They all got up about eight to have breakfast together. Ann and Emily cleaned the kitchen while Owen and Katharine finished packing. When they brought their bags down, the girls met them in the front hallway. Ann gave her parents each a big hug, while Emily stood back feeling uncomfortable during this family moment.

Katharine went to Emily, and said, "Emily, it was very nice having you with us this weekend," as she gave her a hug also. Emily hesitantly returned the embrace.

Owen came over and put an arm around Emily's shoulders. "I hope you'll come back again," he said sincerely.

"You drive carefully, little girl," he said to Ann as he picked up their suitcases. "And be sure to lock up when you leave."

"I will, Dad," Ann laughed. As her parents pulled out in their Volvo, she turned to Emily saying, "I don't think he'll ever change." They went back to the kitchen and sat at the table with fresh coffee.

"I'm curious," Emily said. "Your father owns his own company. Why aren't you and your brother working with him?"

Ann smiled and took a sip of coffee. "Michael and I have always known that we would start our careers on our own. Dad never said so directly, but we knew that we would have to earn an invitation to join him. I think he's always felt that his clients and employees would lose respect for his leadership if we were just brought in as the 'heirs to the kingdom'."

"I think that's very admirable," Emily said. "It works the other way, too. If you don't have any interest in joining him in his work, you're free to pursue your career without any guilt."

"I never thought of it that way," Ann admitted. "How often do you see your family?"

"Oh, maybe two or three times a year.  I love them, but ... it's been especially hard to be around them these past few years. Caroline and I spent holidays apart, with our families, but kept the visits as short as possible so we could be together again.   The first Christmas after her death was the loneliest I have ever felt. My family was all around, but they had no idea how lost I felt. They didn't mean to be uncaring, I guess they were either oblivious or just didn't know how to say anything to make it easier." Emily shrugged. "Anyway, my visits have become shorter and more sporadic."

Ann stood. "How about a walk?"

"That sounds good," Emily said, grateful for an end to that conversation.

They donned jackets, boots, hats and gloves and went out the kitchen door. Ann led them in a different direction from the hill where they had gone sledding. They climbed over a couple of wooden fences, trudging through the snow in the open fields. After about ten minutes, they topped a hill and came within sight of a very old stone barn, with a stand of tall pine trees surrounding three sides.

"Oh, Ann," Emily gasped, "this barn is beautiful!"

"I thought you'd like it," Ann said, smiling. "I have always loved it here. Even the slightest wind moans through the pines." She stopped and listened, but it was absolutely still.

They went in through a small wooden door. It took their eyes a moment to adjust to the dimness. There were rays of sunlight coming in through the windows on the south side of the barn. As their entrance stirred the air inside, they could see dust twinkling in the sunlight.

Ann led the way up a ladder to a loft, which still held a large pile of dried hay. "I've always wanted to convert this barn into a house with a studio area. Large south-facing windows and rough finished floors," she said, picturing the rooms. From the upper windows of the loft, they could see the roof of the house with a thin plume of gray smoke coming from one chimney.

Ann turned from the window while Emily continued to gaze out. Suddenly, there was a crack of wood splintering that echoed like a shot within the walls of the barn. Emily turned to find Ann gone. The floor of the loft now had a large hole where one of the ancient wide boards had given way.

Emily's heart stopped. "Ann?" she called out fearfully. There was no answer. She ran to the ladder, not considering that she might also fall through a weak board. There was a thick cloud of dust as she descended the ladder. At first, she couldn't see anything in the darkness under the loft. She heard a rustling sound, and detected movement.

"Ann!" she cried. "Are you hurt?" She knelt beside Ann who had landed in a small pile of straw, which didn't offer much padding for her ten-foot drop from the loft.

"I think I'm okay," Ann said, shakily. Emily helped her to sit up. "What a surprise," she said, trying to smile.

"You really scared me," Emily said, her voice cracking. Ann leaned into Emily, and let herself be folded in Emily's strong embrace. She hadn't realized that she was trembling until she felt the stable support of Emily's arms.

After a moment, Ann sat up. "I'm all right," she insisted, brushing straw off her jacket. Emily helped her to her feet, where she immediately winced and almost went back down. "Maybe I'm not all right," she joked.

"What is it?" Emily asked.

"My right ankle," Ann grimaced as she tried unsuccessfully to put weight on it. Emily couldn't see clearly in the faint light. She moved to Ann's right side, and Ann put her arm over Emily's shoulders. Using Emily as a crutch, Ann hopped toward the barn door. That tactic became more difficult outside as she couldn't hop high enough to clear her left foot from the snow.

"Here," Emily said, scooping Ann up in her arms. When Ann protested, Emily cut her off. "I'll carry you this way as far as I can, and then you'll have to hop on my back. Now shut up and let me save my breath."

Ann obediently stopped arguing and tried to make herself as light as possible. Emily's breathing settled into a deep, regular rhythm. As Emily followed their footprints back to the house, Ann studied Emily's profile. It was a curious mixture of child and adult, with a slightly upturned nose and large eyes contrasted by the determined set of her jaw.

At one of the fences, they switched positions, and Ann rode on Emily's back. "Hey! Don't squeeze so hard! I'm not Meg, you know," Emily complained, grinning.

"Sorry. Habit," Ann giggled.

At length, they reached the house. Ann sat down in the kitchen while Emily carefully removed her boot and sock. The outside of Ann's ankle was already dark with an ugly bruise. It began to swell immediately. She propped Ann's foot on the table to elevate it and quickly got a bag of ice. She tied the ice in place with a kitchen towel then followed Ann's directions to a medicine chest in a bathroom downstairs. There she found an elastic bandage, which she used to wrap the ankle and hold the ice in place.

"Where'd you learn to do this?" Ann queried.

"Lots of sprained ankles playing ball and running track," Emily replied. "But I'm afraid yours is worse than sprained. I just can't tell.

"Do you want to call your parents or your brother?" Emily asked.

"They can't do anything," Ann said. "No use ruining their trip. Let's just get back to Weston. I'll have it x-rayed there."

Emily went upstairs to pack their suitcases and brought them down. Ann directed her in which lights to turn off and which doors to lock. Emily brought the Toyota to the front door and helped Ann hop out. Ann insisted in sitting in the front seat. Once Emily had settled into the driver's seat, they headed back to Vermont. Emily drove carefully to avoid slippery patches of snow on the roads. Ann's face became pale as the pain increased. She shifted restlessly in her seat, but didn't utter a complaint. Emily tried to keep the conversation rolling to distract Ann. She started speaking to her in French, forcing Ann to concentrate on her responses.

After what seemed like a very long time, they arrived in Weston. Emily drove straight to the ER of the small hospital. When an x-ray was taken of Ann's ankle, it revealed a fracture of the tibia just above the ankle. The doctor said it would require surgery to fix it. He said he would notify the orthopedic surgeon on call.

"Ann, you've got to call your parents if you have to have surgery," Emily insisted.

"I guess you're right." She looked at the clock. "They probably won't be at the apartment yet. I'll have to leave a message and have you call them later, okay?" Ann asked the nurse if she could use the phone to notify her parents while they waited for the surgeon. The nurse pushed the gurney over to a phone and gave Ann directions for dialing. Ann reached the answering machine at the apartment in L.A. She calmly told her parents what had happened and promised that Emily would call them as soon as there was something to report.

As she hung the phone up, she said, "You won't mind calling them will you?"

"Of course not," Emily said. Ann wrote the number down. The nurse came in to give Ann an injection for pain.

"Well, this wasn't how I expected the weekend to turn out," Ann said ruefully. Emily pulled a chair up next to the gurney while they waited.

"How are you feeling?"

"Oh, I've been better," Ann smiled, "but I think the shot is working already."

Emily reached over and pulled a piece of straw from Ann's hair. She held it up and Ann said, "A roll in the hay will never sound the same!"

The surgeon came in while they were laughing, which increased their laughter even more. With an amused expression, she introduced herself. "I'm Dr. Waterson." She examined Ann's ankle, palpating carefully and looking at the x-rays. "Well, we definitely need to fixate that bone, probably with a plate and a few screws. I'll call the OR, and we'll have you prepped for surgery."

A flurry of activity followed. There were consent forms to sign. Ann had to change into a hospital gown while Emily waited outside the cubicle. An IV was started. When all was ready, Emily took Ann's hand.

"I'll be waiting," she said.

"You'd better be," Ann said sleepily as the IV began to take effect.

As Ann was wheeled away, Emily's heart gave a lurch. Had she just said good-bye? She tried to push such morbid thoughts from her head. The ER nurse showed her to the waiting room, which was empty. She tried to read but couldn't. She paced as unwelcome thoughts crowded their way in. Surgery was risky. Why was she allowing herself to care so much anyway? She knew she was beginning to care for Ann as more than a friend, but she stopped that line of thinking dead in its tracks.

After an hour and a half that felt more like five, Dr. Waterson came to the waiting room. "Everything went well," she said. "Ann's ankle should function fine, but she'll need to be on crutches for a couple weeks, and she'll need physical therapy." She stood and said, "Would you like to see her?"

Emily blinked. "Could I?" she asked incredulously.

"Sure," Dr. Waterson said. "She's in the recovery room. She'll be there for about a half hour, and then we'll move her to her room."

Emily followed Dr. Waterson into the recovery room, which was empty except for Ann. A nurse was monitoring her blood pressure. Emily stepped up to the bed. Ann looked very small lying there. She smiled when she saw Emily.

"Hey" Emily murmured, brushing Ann's hair from her forehead. "How do you feel?"

"I feel great," Ann said, her speech a little slurred. "These drugs are wonderful."

The nurse laughed. "Wait until tomorrow."

Ann reached for Emily's hand and held it tightly. The nurse left to write something in Ann's chart. "Thank you for being here," she said.

"It feels good to be here for you for a change," Emily said tenderly. "I'll call your parents when they take you to your room. Is there anything you'd like me to bring back for you?"

"Maybe my robe?"

The nurse came back over. "Ready to go upstairs?"

"Getting rid of me already?" Ann joked.

"I've got a crossword puzzle waiting," the nurse teased back. "She'll be in room 214," she said to Emily.

"All right." She released Ann's hand. "I'll go call your parents and pick up a few things for you."

Emily drove over to Ann's apartment. She dialed the number Ann had given her. Katharine answered on the first ring. "Hello, Emily?" she asked anxiously.

"Yes," Emily replied.

"How is she?" Owen's voice came over the other extension.

"She's fine. I left her as they were getting ready to move her out of the recovery room. Her room number is 214." She gave them the hospital's number. "The doctor had to put a plate and screws in her ankle," she explained. She related what the doctor had said about Ann's having to use crutches for a while. They asked Emily to call if anything happened and said they would call Ann tomorrow.

"And Emily?" Katharine added, "Thank you for taking care of her."

Emily stood there for a long while after hanging up. There was a confused jumble of emotions almost making her sick: relief that Ann was all right, her continued grief for Caroline, guilt over her feelings for Ann, the leftover apprehension that Ann's parents would lash out at her. She shook herself, and went to gather the things she thought Ann would need. She had brought Ann's suitcase in from the car, and removed the clothes from the weekend, replacing them with sweatpants, sweatshirts, clean underwear and a robe and slippers. Ann's bathroom items she left in the bag.

When she was done, she drove to the Gundlach house. She explained to Mr. and Mrs. Gundlach what had happened. "I'll probably go stay at her apartment for a couple days when they release her from the hospital," she said, not at all certain she'd be welcome or needed.

"You'll do nothing of the sort!" Mrs. Gundlach puffed. "You bring Ann here, and we'll help take care of her, right, Papa?"

"Absolutely, Miss Emily," he agreed, his blue eyes crinkling in a smile. "What would she do all day while you're teaching? Mama and I can look after her."

"You are too kind," Emily said, hugging both of them.

She returned to the hospital and found Ann settled in her room. She entered quietly and saw that Ann was sleeping. She set the suitcase down, and pulled a chair up close to the bed. She sat there, watching Ann sleep. She noted Ann's long, dark lashes, her fine eyebrows, the curve of her lips. Ann's hand was lying on the pillow; Emily tentatively reached out and lightly touched Ann's long, graceful fingers. She had no idea how long she had sat there when Ann stirred and opened her eyes.

"Hi," Emily said, leaning forward.

"How long have you been here?" Ann asked groggily.

"I'm not sure," Emily smiled. "I brought your robe and a few other things.  I spoke with your parents. They'll call you tomorrow. Can I get you anything?"

"I'm really thirsty," Ann said.

Emily noticed a cup of ice water with a straw on the bedside table. She slid her hand under Ann's shoulders and helped her sit up enough to take a few sips. When Ann lay back, Emily returned the cup to the table and resumed her vigil.

"Did you get anything to eat?" Ann asked.

Emily's eyes widened. "I hadn't thought about it," she said. "Imagine me too preoccupied to think about food." Ann smiled.

"I want you to go get some food," Ann insisted. "And it must be late. You've got to teach tomorrow, so go home. All I'm going to do is sleep," she finished with a yawn.

"All right," Emily agreed, "I'll go." She pulled the table out so Ann could reach the water. When she turned to ask her if there was anything else she needed, she saw that Ann's eyes had closed. She leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. "Sleep tight," she whispered.

Chapter 15

Emily left the house early so she could stop by the hospital before going to campus. She found Ann sitting up, eating breakfast. "Don't get used to this kind of treatment," she said with a wry smile.

"You mean you wouldn't bring me breakfast in bed?" Ann grinned.

"Maybe," Emily shrugged, "if you'll settle for cold cereal. How'd you sleep?"

"Like a log. I don't remember the nurses coming in. I vaguely remember you coming back last night."

"Gosh, if I'd known your memory would be this fuzzy, I'd have taken advantage of the situation somehow," Emily teased.

"You don't have it in you to take advantage of anyone," Ann stated matter-of-factly.

Emily decided to change the subject. "Do you remember my telling you that I spoke with your parents and that they'll call you today?"

Ann laughed. "No. Did we have that much conversation?"

Dr. Waterson came in with a nurse. "Well, how are you feeling?" she asked as she pulled the sheet off Ann's foot and checked the dressing.

"I feel fine," Ann replied.

"Good, we'll get a physical therapist up here to teach you how to use crutches.   You can be discharged this afternoon if there are no problems." Dr. Waterson spoke as she wrote in the chart. "I'll have an office appointment set up in one week."

After they left, Emily told Ann about the Gundlachs' offer. As she anticipated, Ann tried to argue. She interrupted by saying, "You seem to forget that you can't drive, so I'm in control." She sat down, and her tone became serious. "Look, it really is sensible. It's going to be at least a couple days before you can go back to classes. There's no reason for you to be alone in your apartment all day. Please say you'll agree to this."

Ann looked at Emily's earnest expression. She realized that what she was proposing made sense. "All right," she smiled. "Please tell Mr. and Mrs. Gundlach how grateful I am."

They made plans for Emily to return after her afternoon class to pick Ann up. She tried to concentrate on her work, but found her thoughts wandering to Ann; was she up yet? how was she feeling? When her French class was over, she packed her books, and drove back to the hospital. She drove her Honda, thinking the lower vehicle would be easier for Ann to get in and out of.

When she got up to the room, she found Ann already dressed in her sweats, foot bandaged, crutches in her hand as she sat on the edge of the bed. Emily laughed. "Are we a little anxious to get out of here?"

"You have no idea," Ann said. "I've been poked and prodded; I've had things drawn out of me, injected into me. They've been measuring everything," she said meaningfully, glancing at the bedside commode. Emily broke into fresh laughter.

The nurse came in, and said, "You got your getaway car all lined up?" She had Ann get into a wheelchair. Emily gathered up Ann's belongings. While Ann filled out her final paperwork, Emily brought the car up to the door. Ann got up from the wheelchair, and hopped on her crutches to the car.

They stopped by Ann's apartment first so she could pick up more clothes. She also got her textbooks and notes. As they drove to the Gundlach house, Emily said, "You do realize it will be Mrs. Gundlach's mission to fatten you up while you recuperate."

"Why do you think I packed so many pairs of elastic-waist sweat pants?" Ann smiled. "I might as well take advantage of her wonderful cooking."

As soon as they pulled up, Mr. and Mrs. Gundlach came out to meet them. "How are you feeling, Miss Ann?" Mr. Gundlach asked solicitously as he gathered Ann's suitcase and book bag.

"Actually, it feels great," Ann said. "My ankle hasn't hurt at all."

She hopped up the walk, obeying orders not to put any weight on the ankle. In the house, she was settled onto the sofa in the living room, Greta lying down at her feet. The others had no sooner left the room than she was up, hopping into the kitchen. Greta barked as if tattling on her.

"Mrs. Gundlach, I'll go nuts if I have to sit around anymore," she pleaded. "Please give me something to do."

When Emily and Mr. Gundlach came back downstairs, they found Ann seated at the kitchen table with her foot propped up, happily humming as she peeled potatoes. Emily went out to help Mr. Gundlach feed the animals. The cattle and horses were brought into the newly painted barn each evening now that it was really cold at night.

When they came back in, the kitchen held the wonderful aroma of roasting chicken and boiling potatoes. While Mrs. Gundlach finished dinner, Mr. Gundlach built a fire in the kitchen fireplace. Emily set the kitchen table, and helped Mrs. Gundlach place the large dishes of chicken, mashed potatoes and carrots on the table. There was a loaf of bread baked that morning. They all ate and talked and laughed. Ann and Emily told of their sledding adventure with Ann's parents over the weekend.

Ann loved seeing Emily laugh freely. Her cheeks were filling out, and there was a fire in her eyes again, which Ann found captivating. She watched Emily's gestures as she talked with her hands. She felt as if she were witnessing the emergence of a new life from a cocoon.

After dinner, everyone but Ann pitched in with the dishes, and then Mr. and Mrs. Gundlach went into the living room to watch television while Ann and Emily stayed in the kitchen. Night had fallen, and there was still a light layer of snow on the ground. Emily put another log on the fire and turned off the kitchen lights.

 They sat in silence, looking out the window with the fire crackling and popping merrily as it warmed their backs.

"I feel like a wish is coming true," Ann said softly.

"I remember," Emily smiled. "All we need are deer."

"Emily?"  Ann looked down at her hands, "would you mind if I ask you some personal questions?"

Emily stiffened a bit. She wasn't sure where this was coming from. "No, but I reserve the right not to answer," she replied jokingly.

Ann smiled and looked at Emily. Emily swallowed hard. It was difficult to breathe with Ann's blue eyes focused so intently on her.

"If you've never been with a man, how can you know you wouldn't be happy with one?"

Emily considered for a moment. "When I was in high school, I read a book titled 'Rubyfruit Jungle,' by Rita Mae Brown. In the book, a gay woman was trying to explain to a straight woman the difference between making love with a man and with a woman. She said it was like the difference between a pair of roller skates and a Ferrari."

Ann laughed and Emily smiled. "I hadn't had a sexual relationship yet at that point in my life, but I figured I didn't have to try roller skates when I knew it was a Ferrari I wanted." This brought fresh laughter from Ann. Emily's tone got more serious. "I'm not saying it's impossible for me to fall in love with a man, I've just never met one whom I felt completely comfortable opening up to. And I can't imagine being in a relationship where I'm not understood on a deep, nonverbal, emotional level."

She watched Ann looking out the window, thinking about what she had said. The pale light reflecting off the snow highlighted Ann's perfect profile. Emily felt a strong urge to reach out and touch Ann's hair, an urge she promptly squelched.

"I think I can understand what you're saying," Ann said thoughtfully. "But I think there are some people who would feel stifled if they were around someone who knew them that well."

"Which kind are you?" Emily clamped her mouth shut, but it was too late. She couldn't believe that question had come out of her mouth.

Ann looked at her again with that intense gaze that Emily found she couldn't meet. She diverted her eyes to the scene outside. Her heartbeat felt as if it were as loud as a drum.

"I used to be able to answer that question," Ann said. "I never really wanted to open myself completely to the men I dated. It seemed more comfortable to hold something back. I figured that would change when the right man came along."

"And now?" Emily whispered, tracing the wood grain pattern of the table top with her fingers.

"Now I'm not sure about anything.  I have felt closer to you than I ever have to anyone."

"A lot of our time together has been pretty emotional, with my situation." Emily offered a way out.

"Yes, but," Ann didn't take it, "it's much more than that." Ann took a deep breath. "Emily, I've never had a gay friend. I've never been attracted to a woman. But I find myself drawn to you." She lifted a hand as if to ward off a comment, but Emily was silent. "I know that you're still in love with Caroline and dealing with her death, and I'm not trying to flatter myself that just because you're gay you would automatically be attracted to me.  I can't even tell you exactly what I am feeling. I don't know if it's…" she paused, and closed her eyes. "I would never want to hurt you," she murmured.

There was a moment of silence, then, "Ann, I don't think I've ever known anyone as honest as you are," Emily said in amazement. "I don't think you're capable of deceit, and that's what usually leads to hurtful situations."

She placed her hand on Ann's shoulder. "Look at me," she said softly. Ann's eyes were moist as she opened them and looked at Emily. 'She looks like a wounded animal,' Emily thought. "You're not flattering yourself that I might find you attractive." It was Emily's turn now to be absolutely honest. She knew how hard that must have been for Ann to say. "I think you are the most beautiful person I have ever known – inside and out. But you're right, I am still dealing with my emotions about Caroline, and you aren't sure what you're feeling. Just be my friend, and let me be yours."

Ann smiled, and they embraced. She was acutely aware of Emily's scent, a clean combination of soap and hair rinse. As they reluctantly drew apart, Ann and Emily smiled self-consciously at one another and sat in silence for a while.

Ann suddenly seemed very tired, and Emily insisted that they go up to bed. They said goodnight to the Gundlachs, and Ann hopped up the stairs. At the door to the spare room where Ann's suitcase had been deposited, she paused. "I know this sounds silly, but would you mind if I shared your room?"

Emily smiled. "Not at all. It'll be like a sleep-over." While Ann was in the bathroom, Emily brought the suitcase from across the hall, turned down the sheets on her bed and changed. By the time she washed up and returned from the bathroom, Ann had changed and crawled into bed.

"Are the covers too heavy on your foot?" she asked.

"No, I'm fine," Ann said sleepily.

Emily climbed into bed carefully, trying not to hurt or disturb Ann. She listened to Ann's breathing, already deep and slow. She lay there for a long time, thinking about their conversation. She knew Ann was being honest with her, but she also knew that Ann hadn't the slightest concept of anything other than socially acceptable heterosexual relationships. Emily truly valued Ann's friendship, but felt sure that whatever Ann thought she was feeling would pass. Her own feelings she wasn't so sure about. It was ironic that even as she had finally been able to think and speak of Caroline, she had also been able to start letting her go. As she drifted off to sleep, it was with a firm resolve that she would not do or say anything to confuse Ann further.

Chapter 16

Ann discovered quickly that hopping about on crutches was much more tiring than she had expected. She called all her professors, explaining what had happened and asking about upcoming assignments. Emily herself repeated Lise's conversation lessons from class with Ann. She tried to maintain a certain level of professionalism at those times, but she knew Ann would never use their friendship to manipulate the student/instructor relationship.

On Tuesday, Emily came home after her last class and found Ann studying at the kitchen table. "How about some fresh air?" she suggested.

"Oh, that sounds great," Ann hopped out into the cold fall air and breathed deeply. Only a few patches of snow remained. They got into the Toyota. "Where are we going?" she asked as Emily drove.

"You'll see," Emily smiled. Presently, they pulled up to the farm where Meg was kept. "I thought you might like to visit," Emily said.

"Emily, thank you," Ann said as she slid out of the Toyota's high seat. "Meg!" she called as she hopped to the fence surrounding the pasture. Meg lifted her beautiful red head and snorted. Eagerly, she came trotting over and nuzzled Ann's shoulder and hands. Ann rubbed her forehead and ran her hands over Meg's neck.

"It seems like ages since I've been on you," she said softly. Emily stood back, watching and listening. Ann spoke continuously, not worried about making sense. Meg's ears twitched back and forth as she listened.

"Emily," Ann turned to her, "come on over and say hello." Emily approached, and Meg turned her large gentle eyes towards her.

"Hello, Meg," Emily said, holding out her hand for Meg to sniff before she tried to touch her. "She's beautiful."

"I think so," Ann said. "Sometimes I think she reads my mind. We're a good pair together, aren't we, girl?" Ann gave Meg a kiss on her muzzle, and said, "We'll go for a ride soon." Ann and Emily returned to the Toyota.

"It was so good to see her," Ann said happily. "I really miss being up on her back." She looked over at Emily as they settled into their seats. "Do you ride?"

"I rode trail rides periodically growing up, but I've never ridden regularly or jumped," she replied. "I really enjoyed watching you and Meg jumping that morning after you had been hit by the guy in the park."

"I almost forgot about that," Ann laughed. "We did have a few accidental meetings before classes started, didn't we?"

"Yes. I didn't think I was ever going to learn your name."

"That was at the restaurant, right?"

"Yes, you were there on your date, wearing that dress." Emily winced as that slipped out.

Ann's eyebrows arched. "That dress?"

Emily burned a deep red. "Well, I couldn't help noticing." She shook her head. "You looked really good in that dress. I was lucky I remembered my name."

Ann laughed and it sounded like music to Emily. She noticed that Ann's cheeks became a little red, too, despite her attempt to laugh off the compliment.

Ann got back to the original topic. "I'd love to teach you to ride," she looked over, "if you'd like to learn."

Emily smiled. "I would." They were back at the house by then. Dinner was almost ready. Both Ann and Emily found these evenings with Mr. and Mrs. Gundlach to be very comfortable. After dinner the younger women cleaned up, Ann sitting on a stool drying dishes, and then began studying.

"By the way," Emily said that evening, "Lise asked me to tell you that she gave an assignment in class today. Each of you has to give an oral presentation, in French, on some cultural topic. It can be literature, music, theatre, whatever."

"Okay." Ann said, making notes on the assignment before opening her books to study.

The next few days passed similarly. Emily's days were full with the classes she was taking and all the reading associated with them. In addition, she had frequent homework assignments and quizzes to grade, and exams to prepare.

Thursday evening, Mrs. Gundlach called Ann to the telephone. From the overheard bits of conversation, Emily could tell she was speaking with her parents. She could feel her mood sink as she listened.

"Mom and Dad are back from California," Ann announced when she hopped back into the kitchen. "They're going to drive up tomorrow morning and they'll take me to my doctor appointment."

Emily tried to return to her studying, but without much success. Her melancholy deepened as she thought about how empty the house would feel when Ann went back to her apartment.

That night Emily lay awake. She and Ann had talked as they went to bed, making tentative plans to have dinner with Ann's parents tomorrow evening. Ann had turned on her side, facing Emily, and was breathing deeply. Emily watched her for a long time. Ann's face had become so familiar, but she was still stunned by its beauty. She reached her hand out and, very lightly, touched Ann's hair. She didn't stir. She kissed Ann on the forehead, letting her lips linger on her soft skin.

"I love you," she whispered, and then sharply drew her breath in. Where had that come from? She hadn't put her feelings into concrete form, but as she said the words, she knew them to be true. She quietly got out of bed and went to the window. The cast iron radiator was warm. She sat down on it and looked out into the night. She hadn't fallen in love with Ann. She had grown to this point. But there was no use letting Ann know how she felt. Ann was straight, whatever games of "what if" her mind might be playing with her.

Back in bed, Ann's eyes opened as she felt Emily get up. She didn't move. She heard Emily's words over and over. "I love you." Simple words, but she knew better than anyone what it meant for Emily to be able to say them to someone other than Caroline.

After a long time, Emily came back to bed and lay with her back to Ann.  Eventually, they both fell asleep.

Chapter 17

Emily left early the next morning while Ann was still upstairs. Ann had sensed Emily's distance the previous evening, and knew it would be hard for Emily to see her go. She watched from the bedroom window as Emily pulled away. She went down for breakfast with the Gundlachs. Her parents arrived by nine. She introduced them to Mr. and Mrs. Gundlach, and while her father carried her things down from upstairs, she thanked them for all they had done.

"My dear, the house will be emptier without you," Mrs. Gundlach declared as she gave Ann a big hug.

Mr. Gundlach said, "Please come back to see us soon."

"I will," she promised.

Katharine and Owen drove her to her doctor's office for her ten o'clock appointment. Dr. Waterson took x-rays after removing the bandage from her ankle.

"Well, everything appears to be healing well. I'm going to give you a brace to wear, and I want you to start putting weight on your foot, still using the crutches." She scribbled on a pad. "Here's your referral for physical therapy. I'll have you come back in a month."

Ann was glad to be able to take weight on her foot, but she was surprised at how stiff her ankle felt. She showed her parents around Weston's campus. They walked into Whitmore Hall and heard Emily's voice coming from a classroom down the main hall.

"No, Julie, think about what you're reading. This is a conversation between two people who accidentally meet after who knows how long. Maybe they're old lovers. Maybe they're old enemies."

They walked up to where they could see Emily pacing at the front of the classroom.

"It's not a monotone, 'Was machst du denn hier?'" She wheeled suddenly and held out her arms in surprise. "Was machst DU denn hier? What are YOU doing here? or Was machst du denn HIER? What are you doing HERE? or Was MACHST du denn hier? What are you DOING here?" The class was laughing at Emily's theatrical emphasis.

As the Hights backed away, Ann and Katharine clamped their hands over their mouths to hold their laughter in. Ann led them out of Whitmore and showed them around the rest of the campus, and when the hour was over, called Emily at her office. They arranged to meet at a little restaurant in town.

The Hights arrived first and got a table. When Emily arrived, Owen asked with a straight face, "Was machst DU denn hier?"  At Emily's shocked expression, they all started laughing again. Through her laughter, Ann explained what they had overheard. Emily grinned sheepishly.

After they had ordered, Owen and Katharine told them all about their trip to California. It made Emily long for warmth and sunshine.

"Oh, Ann," Katharine said as they ate, "I almost forgot, there was a call from Paul Bayliss. He's back in the States and would like to see you. I gave him your number up here. I hope that was all right?"

"Yes, of course," Ann said, but she seemed flustered. She said to Emily, "Paul was in Africa when I was there." Emily remembered, the man Ann had dated while she was there. She felt a cold sensation in the pit of her stomach. It was suddenly hard to eat. She tried to pay attention to the conversation, but all she could think about was that Ann had said that Paul was the man she had considered marrying. She was grateful when she had to excuse herself for her one o'clock class. Ann said she'd call about dinner.

Emily forced herself to concentrate on her students. When class was over, she spent a few hours in the office upstairs getting some work done. Sato and Sofia were there also and began to make plans with Lise, Heinrich and Enrique for a dinner together that evening. Emily considered. Ann probably should have some time alone with her parents, and Emily really didn't know how well she had hidden her dismay at lunch when Paul's name was brought up. She agreed to go out with the others that evening.

As she went home to change, she carried on an internal dialogue, telling herself that there was no reason Ann should not want to see Paul. Seeing him again might clear up whatever confusion Ann was feeling. Emily knew she could deal with her own feelings; she'd done it before. That was preferable to mooning over a woman who didn't feel the same. Whatever happened, she was grateful to Ann for all that she had done. Emily stopped in front of Caroline's painting and touched it. Ann had given her the ability to think and speak of Caroline with joy.  She admitted to herself that no matter how much it might hurt to love someone who didn't love her in return, she hadn't thought she could ever love again. She went around to the side of the bed Ann had been sleeping on. The pillow still held the scent of Ann's hair and perfume. She held it to her and inhaled deeply. Her heart felt as if it were being squeezed.

The phone rang, and Mrs. Gundlach called up to Emily. She ran downstairs and picked up the handset.

"Emily?" Ann's voice came through.

"Hi there." Emily thought she succeeded in sounding cheerful.

"Can you join us for dinner? We're going to the Tavern," Ann asked hopefully.

"I'm sorry," Emily fibbed, "I had forgotten that I already had plans to go out with Sato and the others tonight." Before Ann could say anything, she added, "You have a good time. I'll talk to you soon."

"Emily – " Ann said uncertainly.

Emily didn't give her a chance to say more. "Gotta go. Bye."

"Bye."

Emily knew that Ann knew her too well to be convinced by her excuses, but she needed to do this. She was also glad to know where they were going so she could be sure to avoid running into them. Emily met the others at the restaurant. By now, they had all become much more comfortable with each other. None of them was shy any longer about speaking in each other's languages, offering gentle corrections when needed. They had a good time, but the waitress was thoroughly confused with Sato speaking French, Emily speaking Spanish, French and German, Heinrich and the others speaking interchangeable combinations of Spanish, English and French. The other patrons smiled in amusement at the overheard bits of conversation.

Following dinner, they decided to go to a nearby bar with live music. Emily opted to go along. As they were walking to the bar, Emily heard her name. She turned and saw Ann with her crutches. She hadn't realized they were walking past the Tavern where Ann and her parents were just leaving. A tall man with very short blond hair joined them. He had stubble of two or three days' growth of beard.

"I'd like you to meet Paul Bayliss," Ann said, watching Emily carefully. "Paul, this is a good friend of mine, Emily Warner."

Emily groaned internally and extended her hand. Paul smiled a broad smile, and Emily could see why Ann had liked him.

"Emily," Lise called out, "nous voyons."

"Oui, je suis," she replied, waving them on.

"Paul just got back from Africa," Ann explained.

"Welcome home, Paul," Emily forced herself to be friendly.

"Emily," Owen said, stepping forward, "can you join us for a drink?" He placed a hand on her shoulder. The expression in his eyes was not one Emily could discern; was it quizzical or concerned?

"Thank you, but my colleagues are waiting for me," she said. "Have a good time. Paul, it was nice meeting you. Ann, I'll see you later." Emily's eyes met Ann's, and for an unguarded instant, everything she was feeling was in her eyes. Emily immediately got her emotions back under control.

She turned and walked quickly toward the bar where the others had gotten a table and ordered drinks. She ordered a glass of Bass Ale and tried to forget Ann and Paul. Three Basses later, she was dancing with Enrique. The band was great, playing an eclectic mixture of faster songs, slow ballads and reggae. They finally left at one in the morning.  As the group split to go to their cars, Emily realized she was in no condition to drive and decided to walk. The air, frosty and clear, felt good after the smoky warmth of the bar.

She listened to the quiet as she walked down streets lined with trees whose branches rattled in the light wind. The moon seemed very bright in the night sky, illuminating the clouds. When she got to the Gundlach house, she sat on the front porch steps. 'Why did I allow this to happen?' she asked herself. But when she pictured Ann's face, and the look in her eyes in the kitchen the other night, she knew she couldn't have helped loving her.

She finally went in, undressed and crawled into bed, hugging Ann's pillow closely.

Chapter 18

Saturday morning, Emily forced herself out of bed at nine. She washed her face and brushed her teeth, then got dressed for a run. As she exited into the chill air, she realized a run wasn't likely the way her head felt. A brisk walk would have to do.

She couldn't know that at that moment, she was the subject of a conversation between Katharine and Owen as they drove home. When they had left Emily the evening before, they had opted to forego the drinks and return to Ann's apartment. After a little more conversation, Ann had insisted that her parents sleep in her room. She would wrap up in a blanket on the other bed for which she had never brought sheets, and Paul could have the sofa. Now, after a quick breakfast, Owen and Katharine were on the road, having left Paul to continue his visit with Ann.

"How did you read the situation yesterday?" Owen asked.

"Emily's demeanor changed as soon as Paul's name was mentioned," Katharine said. "I felt horrible. I could have waited to tell Ann about Paul's call."

Owen reached for her hand. "Maybe it's just as well. Paul wasted no time in getting up here. I have a feeling he's serious about Ann. I don't think Ann would deliberately play games with Emily's feelings, but this visit just may clarify things for her."

"I hope you're right." Katharine shook her head. "Poor Emily looked as if she were being tortured meeting Paul last night."

Owen chuckled. "You have to admit, it's interesting watching Ann fumble about between the two of them. How many times can she tell Emily that Paul has just returned from Africa?"

Katharine slapped his arm. "You're awful." She squeezed his hand. "I wouldn't go back to those days for anything."

"I know what you mean, Kath," Owen said affectionately, pulling her closer to him.

Emily meanwhile wandered in various directions and found herself at the park in town. It was deserted at this time on a cold Saturday morning. She climbed to the church belltower and looked out. She hadn't been there since… she remembered only bits and pieces of that day. It seemed so long ago. She ached to feel Ann near. She considered calling or stopping by. She knew she should leave Ann alone, but she soon found herself walking toward her apartment.

As she approached the mansion's parking lot, and was still obscured by parked cars on the street, she saw Ann and Paul leaving the building. He helped her up into the Toyota, and they drove off. Emily felt numb inside. She turned blindly and began running, ignoring the pounding in her head. At some point, she remembered she had left her car in town. She ran to where she had parked it. When she climbed in, her deep, fast breathing fogged up the windshield. As she waited for the defroster to clear the glass, tears began falling despite her efforts to stop them. At this moment she wasn't grateful to be able to love again. All she was aware of was the hurt. By the time the windshield was defrosted, a cold half icy drizzle had begun to fall. 'Even the sky is crying,' she thought with small comfort as she drove home.

Chapter 19

By Sunday, Ann was feeling very antsy. She didn't want to be rude, and it was good to see Paul again, but she needed to study. Tomorrow she would be returning to classes, and she wanted to be prepared. To her dismay, the icy drizzle which had begun yesterday had turned into a severe ice storm, and driving was not possible, so she couldn't even escape to the library.

Finally, she told Paul that she had to get some studying done. He, as always, was unperturbed. He pulled a book off Ann's bookcase and settled in a chair to read while she studied. She smiled. One of the things she had always liked about Paul was his easy-going attitude. When they were in Africa, no plan ever went smoothly, but Paul always stayed calm and found an alternative solution. He was completely accepting of cultures and customs that were not his own. He readily tried strange foods and new activities. The villagers had enjoyed introducing Paul to new experiences because he was such a good sport. He had been honest and genuine with Ann. She wasn't accustomed to either. Men were usually so busy preening and strutting to be sure other men knew she was with them that she often felt she was caught between stags in rut. Paul had never been like that. He seemed oblivious to everyone else when he was with her, but not in an obsessive way. He had been a gentle lover, always as aware of her pleasure as his own. She had seriously considered what marriage to him might be like. She felt she could be content married to him, but she wanted more than contentment. Her friends had told her she was crazy when she had described him upon her return from the Peace Corps.

All this ran through her head as she tried to study. When she was finally able to concentrate, the hours went by quickly. Paul got up and went into the kitchen. Ann was vaguely aware of noises, but it wasn't until the aroma of coffee and omelets came from the kitchen that she realized he was cooking dinner.

"Hope you're hungry," he called out from the kitchen. "I'm starving."

"I am, too," she said, pushing her books aside as he brought plates and silverware to the table. The plates were each loaded with a huge omelet. He went back to fetch mugs of coffee.

"This is great," she said between bites. "Thank you so much."

"No problem," he grinned. As they ate, he told more stories of events in the village after she had left. They laughed at some of the misadventures and became somber as he told of the deaths of several people Ann had become close to. Despite the efforts of the volunteers, life was still harsh. AIDS was rampant and other diseases that were easily treated here could kill there.

After dinner, they settled back to watch television. Ann wondered what Emily was doing. She was surprised at how much she had missed her since Friday. Well, she'd see her before her French class tomorrow. Paul moved closer and slipped his arm around Ann. She allowed herself to be pulled closer and tried to relax, but found that she couldn't. She wasn't sure why, but it didn't feel right. It felt less right when Paul kissed her. His kiss was as gentle and familiar as it had always been, but she pulled away after a moment. He didn't push. When it was time for bed, she said goodnight and left him with the guest room.

Monday morning was slow going. There were still several icy places on the roads and parking lots. Ann walked carefully, using only one crutch now, her book bag over her shoulder. Paul was going to wander around town until lunch when they would meet at a small café close to campus. It felt good to be back in class, much easier than studying on her own had been. She handed in assignments to her professors and got copies of lecture notes from classmates.

As her last class of the morning ended, she began walking toward the café. The sidewalk she was on had not been scraped well and was still icy. As she placed her crutch down, the tip slipped out from under her, and she fell. She reached over to gather her books, which had flown out of her bag when she suddenly found Emily there helping.

"You know, this is the third accident of yours I've witnessed," Emily observed with a weak smile. "Are you always this graceful?"

Ann smiled, her eyes searching Emily's face. 'She looks tired,' Ann thought. "I guess I need someone around to keep picking me up."

Emily held Ann's bag, and helped her to her feet.

"Are you all right?" Emily asked seriously. "You didn't hurt your ankle, did you?"

Ann gingerly moved her foot around and tried putting weight on it. "It seems to be fine," she pronounced. "Once again, the biggest bruise is to my ego."

"Well," Emily handed Ann her bag, "I'd better be going."

"Can you join us for lunch?" Ann asked. "Paul is meeting me at the campus café." Before Emily could respond in the negative, Ann placed a hand on her arm. "Please, Emily. It would mean a lot to me."

Ann's eyes were a very deep blue. Emily was torn. She didn't want to hurt Ann, but she felt raw and exposed.  Ann's pressure on her arm increased a little.

"All right," Emily acquiesced.  "At least let me carry your bag before you break something else."

Ann laughed and handed Emily the bag. As they walked, Ann talked about her first morning back.

When they entered the café, Paul was there reading. He stood to greet them, giving Ann a kiss on the cheek, and shaking Emily's hand with a firm grasp. Ann related her mishap on the ice while Emily said very little. After they had ordered, a difficult task for Emily, since she wasn't even sure she could eat, Paul told them about the shops he'd wandered into during his morning's exploration.

"And what do you do?" he asked Emily, leaning forward.

"I'm teaching while I work on my doctorate," she replied. He wanted to know more, and despite herself, Emily found him easy to talk to. Ann interjected where she felt Emily was being too modest. When Emily decided she had spoken enough, she asked Paul, "What about you? What are you going to do now?"

"Well," he said thoughtfully, "after all that I saw in Africa, I think I've decided to go to med school. I'd like to go back someday when I can do more to help."

"Paul, that's wonderful!" Ann said, placing a hand on his arm. Emily unconsciously rubbed her own arm where Ann's hand had rested a short time ago.

The conversation for the remainder of lunch wandered from topic to topic. Finally, Emily needed to leave for class, and Ann needed to study for an exam in her own French class. Paul planned to go for a swim at the natatorium, and said he'd see Ann at the apartment later. He shook Emily's hand again with a barely perceptible nod of his head.

Emily took Ann's book bag for her again and carried it as they headed for Whitmore Hall. They walked in a strained silence. Emily just wanted to get away. She didn't want to hear how great Paul was, or how good it was to see him again. Ann felt Emily's distance, but wasn't sure how to bridge it.

When they got to Whitmore Hall, Emily gave Ann her bag. "I'll see you later," she mumbled and went upstairs to get her notes.

Ann found an empty classroom where she could study, but found it difficult to concentrate. Her relationship with Emily felt different, something had shifted. She told herself she was imagining it, but she knew nothing had felt quite the same since lunch with her parents. 'That's not true,' she realized when she thought about it, 'it hasn't been the same since my last night at the Gundlachs', since she said she loved me.'

Emily left the classroom quickly at the end of class, so Ann didn't get to talk to her then. She had one more class that afternoon, a psychology class, which she didn't hear a word of. She found herself remembering the closeness of those evenings at the Gundlach house. She wondered why she hadn't wanted to be closer to Paul. He had made it clear that he was willing if she was, and it had been a long time.

Eventually the class was over, and it was time to hobble back to her truck. She was filled with a restlessness she couldn't identify. When she got back to the apartment, Paul was packed.

"Why are you leaving tonight?" she asked, surprised.

"Annie," he smiled, "it's okay."

"What's okay?" she asked as she put her bag down by the sofa.

"Look, Ann," he said gently, sitting beside her on the couch, "I just want you to be happy. You and I will always be friends. Who you choose to be with doesn't change that."

"What are you talking about?" She was getting exasperated.

"You and Emily, of course."

"What about us?"

"Ann," he said, "I saw the way you looked at her. It's obvious you're in love, and it's okay."

"I'm in …" she stared blankly.

He laughed. "Somehow it's like you to be the last one to see it.  I'm going to go. I'll call you in a few days." He kissed her on the cheek and left.

Ann sat there for a long time. The apartment grew dark, but she didn't notice. She was playing back every moment she could recall of her time with Emily. She thought about what it felt like to touch her. She pictured Emily's soft curls, her large golden brown eyes, her beautiful smile. She remembered Emily's whispered words, "I love you." She realized that Paul was right. She did love Emily. She was filled with incredible warmth with that realization.

She reached for the phone and stopped. Emily was feeling very hurt and guarded right now. Ann knew it had to have been hard for her to be around Paul. She decided to call anyway. Mrs. Gundlach answered and told her that Emily hadn't come home yet. She promised to leave a message that Ann had called.

She opened a book to study, but couldn't concentrate. She tried to find Emily, calling her office, but there was no answer. She decided to see if Emily was at the library. She drove over and looked every place she could think of. She drove over to the Gundlach house, but Emily's car wasn't there yet. Reluctantly she went back to her apartment.

She had checked out a few books of French poetry to look for one to present in Lise's class. She began thumbing through them absentmindedly, wondering where Emily could be. She came across a translated fragment of poetry that caught her eye. It was by a woman who wrote under the penname Renée Vivien, an expatriate American who had lived in Paris at the turn of the century. But what caught Ann's attention were the words of the poem. She tried to find the complete work, but it wasn't in any of the books she had with her. She decided to go back to the library and try to find the entire poem. After an extensive search, she was able to locate the poem she sought. She copied it, and set about translating it. As she did, she felt that this poem expressed all that she was feeling. She took the poem home, and worked on her translation while she waited for Emily to call.  By two o'clock, Emily still hadn't called, and Ann was exhausted. She went to bed and dreamed of holding Emily.

Chapter 20

When Ann awoke, it was with a feeling of anticipation of something she couldn't remember at first. It was a sensation she recalled from childhood on Christmas morning. Slowly she remembered… Emily.  She smiled and reached for the phone. She knew the Gundlachs rose early. Her heart fell as she spoke with Mrs. Gundlach.

"Ann, I'm sorry," the kindly woman said. "I found a note from Emily this morning saying she is out of town for the rest of the week. She is going to a conference and will be back this weekend."

Ann felt a profound disappointment as she hung up. She missed Emily more than she would have thought possible. She had never felt like this about anyone. Her previous relationships seemed superficial compared to this. She and Emily hadn't yet shared anything more than a deep friendship, but the intensity of the emotional connection amazed her. She tried to get a grip on her feelings, tried to sort out whether this was an infatuation triggered by Paul's suggestion. Maybe it was better that she would have a few days before seeing Emily again.

She felt like she needed to do something physical. She wasn't able to ride yet, but she decided to go for a swim and try a stationary bicycle before classes. She wasn't starting therapy for her ankle until tomorrow, but she forced herself to begin walking without the crutch.

A couple of hours later she felt refreshingly tired. Her head seemed clearer. She had watched the women at the pool and in the gym. She didn't feel any kind of attraction to any of them. But as she watched the men, she realized she didn't find them attractive either. She concluded that it was the emotional connection to Emily that made all the difference.

As she went through the next couple of days, she was aware of things she had never noticed before. She felt bombarded by images of male-female couples and was very aware of the fact that she and Emily would not be able to show their feelings openly. She sought out gay magazines to look at the photos of the men and women portrayed. She was amazed at the variety of images. As open-minded as she considered herself, she realized that even she had had pre-conceived notions of what lesbians and gay men would look like. There simply weren't stereotypes that accurately represented people. As she read the stories in the magazines, she became a little more educated about issues such as gay marriage and workplace discrimination. Despite Emily's horrible experience with Caroline's family, Ann had never pictured herself on the receiving end of prejudice at work or anywhere else. She realized that she had never been the victim of anybody's prejudice. She felt humbled by the people who had faced that kind of ugliness, for whatever reason.

'My parents,' she thought later that week. For some reason she hadn't yet considered what their reaction would be. She knew they liked Emily, and she wanted to think they loved her enough to respect her choice, but she couldn't be sure. She would never say so to Emily, but she had secretly thought Caroline cowardly and manipulative with all her demands for secrecy. Now, she understood a little better the dilemma Caroline must have faced knowing how strongly her parents disapproved of her relationship. Ann seriously considered whether she could handle being cut off from her family if it came to that. She honestly didn't know.

By the time the weekend arrived, she had spent a great deal of time considering the obstacles and the probable hardships of a relationship with Emily, but she felt their connection more deeply than ever. If Emily really was ready to love again, Ann wanted to be the one.

Chapter 21

Emily basked in the mid-afternoon sunshine of Florida's Gulf coast. She smiled again at the ironic timing of Dr. Brooks' kidney stone. A well-respected man in the field of ancient Greek and Latin literature, Warren Brooks had been the chair of Weston's language department for the past seven years. He was her doctoral advisor as well. He had been scheduled to attend this week's language education conference in Tampa, but the weekend he was to have left, a kidney stone he had been ignoring got the better of him. On Monday afternoon, he had called Emily from the hospital, apologizing for the short notice, but requesting that she attend in his place. Heinrich and Lise were able to cover her classes, and here she was. The conference was scheduled so that the seminars were over each day by noon, leaving the participants free to enjoy Tampa's warmth and beaches each afternoon.

She leaned back in her beach chair, and for the hundredth time, tried not to think of Ann. Her mind was filled with images of Ann riding, sitting in the Gundlachs' kitchen studying, in the firelight at her parents' home. But she kept coming back to images of Ann with Paul. The timing couldn't have been better for her to get away for a while. She felt a twinge of guilt remembering Mrs. Gundlach's note that Ann had called.

Restlessly, she sat up and decided to run on the beach. Her body wasn't used to the extra effort it took to run in sand and she tired early. She slowed and walked for awhile, staying on the firmer, wet sand near the surf. She watched tiny crabs scuttling for safer holes in the sand. A light breeze ruffled her short curls. She smelled the salty air and couldn't help wishing Ann were there with her. She began running again, this time not stopping until her legs were wobbly with exhaustion. She jogged back to her hotel, and stood under a cool shower for a long time. She lay down for a nap, and awakened to a beautiful sunset. She considered staying in her room for dinner, but decided to force herself to get out. She dressed in a white sleeveless top and khaki shorts. When she inspected her image in the mirror, she was surprised to see how much she had tanned with just a little bit of sun.

In the dining room, she recognized several people from the conference. She decided to eat outside. After she was seated at a table overlooking the beach, she noticed a group of people sitting at the outdoor bar. They appeared to be having a good time together. She noticed one woman, lean and tan with short blonde hair, who looked over and caught Emily's eye. She smiled, and Emily looked down at her menu. When Emily looked back up, the woman was still watching her. She got up and walked towards Emily's table. Emily's heartbeat quickened with nervousness.

"Hi, my name is Laura Davis," the woman said boldly. Her smile revealed white teeth, and her very blue eyes were arresting.

Emily took her outstretched hand and smiled back. "I'm Emily Warner."

"Well, Emily Warner," Laura said as she pulled out a chair and sat, "you are much too attractive to be eating alone." Emily was too shocked to say anything. All she could do was laugh. Laura's smile broadened. "I think you should join my friends and me for a drink. Then we're going to eat and go dancing." Laura indicated the men and women she had left at the bar, who were now all watching Laura and Emily. Emily realized the whole group was gay.

Later, Emily could not for the life of her say what made her do it, but she heard herself say, "That sounds like fun." Next thing she knew, she was following Laura back to the bar and being introduced to everyone. They all lived in the Tampa area. Emily lost track of all the names, but two were nurses, four were in retail, one worked for a bank. Laura was a physician assistant. Emily ordered a margarita and joined the conversation. Soon, they left for a nearby restaurant. Emily rode with Laura in her white Miata. The top was down, and the wind felt wonderful in her hair. She looked over at Laura and admired her lean, muscular arms and legs. There was something wild and intoxicating about her that Emily felt drawn to. For years, everything in her life had been controlled and restrained. Nothing about Laura that Emily had observed thus far could be described by those adjectives.

Laura seemed to read Emily's mind and looked over with a smile. "I'm glad you said yes."

Emily smiled and looked up at the stars. "I am, too."

The restaurant they went to served delicious Mexican and Cuban food. The conversation continued merrily. Several times Laura and Emily's eyes met. Emily didn't want to think, she just wanted to enjoy the moment. Following dinner, they all walked to a gay bar down the street from the restaurant. As it was early, it was relatively smoke-free. The group deposited their drinks at a table and most went directly to the dance floor. Laura was a good dancer, and Emily enjoyed watching her body move. She also enjoyed knowing that Laura was thinking the same thing. After three or four songs, they took a break and went back to the table for a drink.

"You dance well," Emily said, leaning close so that Laura could hear her. She could smell her perfume and had the feeling it was drugging her, clouding her judgment.

"Thanks," Laura said, looking very intently into Emily's eyes. A slow song came over the speakers. Laura took Emily's hand and led her back out to the dance floor. Emily allowed herself to be pulled close as they moved to the slow pulsating rhythm of the song. She closed her eyes and placed her cheek against Laura's. She let her hands explore the muscles of Laura's back and shoulders and felt Laura's hands on her. Her skin tingled after Laura's hands had passed over it, leaving trails of heightened sensation. Emily was very aware of the pressure of Laura's breasts and thighs against her. She felt the pulsing of desire more strongly than she had in the past four years. When the song ended, she and Laura stood, still holding one another, looking into each other's eyes.

"Would you like to go for a ride?" Laura asked. Emily nodded.

Laura said something to one of the other women, who grinned broadly and waved to Emily. They went back to where Laura had parked the Miata. Laura drove without speaking, choosing streets that eventually took them out of town. She drove to a deserted section of beach and parked. There were no nearby lights, and the night was moonless so the stars seemed especially brilliant. Laura reached over for Emily's hand, and for a long moment neither spoke. There was only the electric contact of their hands, fingers intertwining.

"Let's walk," Emily said. She needed to move. They took off their shoes and walked together along the beach. After a few hundred yards, Laura reached again for Emily's hand and pulled her to a halt. She took Emily's face in her hands and gently pulled Emily to her, their lips parting for a kiss. Emily was startled by the effect Laura's kiss had on her. She had almost forgotten the sensation of soft lips and tongue on her own. Their kiss deepened and lingered as Emily reached out to pull Laura more firmly against her. Laura's hands left Emily's face and ran down her back to her buttocks.

Laura took her mouth from Emily's and brushed her lips over her neck. Emily tilted her head back to give Laura more exposed skin. She desperately needed to be touched, to be desired like this. She kissed Laura's neck and kissed her way back to her mouth. The kiss was stronger, more urgent now.  Emily felt her hips move involuntarily against Laura's thigh.

"Why don't we go back to your hotel room?" Laura suggested breathlessly. Emily nodded without speaking, and they walked back to the car. Emily placed her hand on Laura's thigh and enjoyed the feel of muscles tensing at her touch. At the hotel, they went straight to Emily's room. Emily ordered a bottle of wine to be sent up. While they waited on the wine, they went out to the balcony facing the Gulf. They stood side-by-side, shoulders touching, letting the breeze cool things down.

When the wine arrived, Emily poured two glasses. Laura found a music video channel on the television. They stood close, swaying to the music as they sipped their wine.

"Do you know how beautiful you are?" Laura asked softly.

"Thank you," Emily murmured.  "Why is there no one in your life right now?"

"How do you know there isn't?"

Emily looked at her with a small smile.

Laura shrugged. "My last girlfriend met someone else she liked better."

Emily shook her head. "Foolish woman," she whispered.

Laura put an end to further conversation with a kiss. She kissed Emily softly, exploring with her lips and tongue. Without pulling away, she put her wine glass down and took Emily's to put it down also. She pulled Emily close, and pressed her body into Emily's. Emily ran her hands over Laura's back and brought one hand up into Laura's hair, feeling its soft, fine texture.

Laura pulled Emily's shirt gently from her shorts, and slipped her hands underneath, sliding her hands up to her bra. She undid the bra's fasteners and rubbed the skin over Emily's shoulder blades. She gradually brought her hands around to cup Emily's small breasts. A small groan escaped from Emily and her nipples became harder.

Emily unbuttoned Laura's blouse and slid it from her shoulders. She let her hands wander over Laura's shoulders and arms, feeling the tight muscles. She reached around and undid Laura's bra and let it slide off. Laura lifted Emily's shirt and bra off together. They pulled close, the warm skin of their breasts pressing together, their nipples hard and acutely sensitive. Laura ran her hands inside the waistband of Emily's shorts to the button and fly in front, and undid them. She slid her hands down over Emily's buttocks, squeezing the firm muscles.

Suddenly, Emily pulled her mouth from Laura's and pressed her forehead into Laura's shoulder. "I'm sorry …" she gasped, "I just can't do this …"

Laura wrapped her arms around Emily and held her. "Who is she?" she asked gently.

"Who is who?" Emily pulled away.

"The reason you can't do this." She put a hand on Emily's shoulder and handed her her shirt, and put her own back on. She got the glasses of wine, and they went out to the balcony to the chairs there.

"Tell me about her," Laura said.

Emily took a sip of wine. "Her name is Ann. She's a student I met this semester."

"Aaaah," Laura said with a smile.

"No, it's not some cradle-robbing affair," Emily said sheepishly, knowing what it must sound like. "She's twenty-five. She just finished a few years in the Peace Corps. We met in August. She helped me through a rough time a while ago, and in the process I told her about myself."

"Is she gay?"

"No," Emily laughed bitterly. "She admitted to me that she's confused about what she's feeling, but last week her old boyfriend showed up for an extended visit, so I guess that will take care of her confusion."

"Maybe, maybe not," Laura observed. "Something tells me you're not that easy to forget," she said, looking at Emily's unbuttoned shirt. "I don't mean to embarrass you, but you are incredibly hot. How could Ann resist that?"

"Partly because she doesn't know that side of me.  We haven't made love."

"You're kidding," Laura said, surprised.

Emily shrugged.

"So this has been a totally chaste relationship so far?"

"It's been a friendship I don't want to lose," Emily replied. "I just need to get my feelings under control."

"Emily, I think you need to let your feelings out, not keep them bottled up," Laura said wisely. She paused for a moment. "This is none of my business, but you were…" she tried to find the right words, "really responsive earlier. How long has it been?"

"Four years." At that, the sip of wine Laura had just taken sprayed from her mouth.

"Four years!" She was incredulous. "How could anyone go four years? Especially someone as beautiful as you?"

Emily looked at her with a sad smile. "My partner died in an accident. It's a long, ugly story. I wasn't even interested in being with someone else until I met Ann." She reached out and laid a hand on Laura's arm. "And I certainly didn't count on meeting someone like you. I'm really sorry about… I didn't mean to play games with you. I thought I could just let myself enjoy being with you."

"It's all right," Laura said, laying her hand on Emily's. "I had no expectations beyond getting to know you." Her eyebrows rose, and she looked at the portion of Emily's torso exposed by her unbuttoned shirt. "I would have enjoyed getting to know parts of you better…"

Her irreverent attitude had the desired effect as Emily laughed.

"Listen," Laura leaned toward Emily, "you're here for the rest of the week, right? I have tomorrow and Thursday off. Why don't I pick you up after your seminars are over, and show you around?" Emily hesitated for a moment. Laura reassured her, "Look, I respect your feelings for Ann, and I admire your integrity. In spite of those character flaws, I like you anyhow, and it would be fun to spend some time with you. No expectations beyond that, I promise."

Emily relaxed and smiled. "I'd really like that."

"Good." Laura stood up and the breeze blew her unbuttoned shirt to expose her tanned torso. "I think I'll put myself back together, and go take a long, cold shower."

Emily laughed as they went back in. Laura put her bra and shirt back on in the customary order, and turned to Emily. "If Ann is too blind to see what she would have in you, I really hope you'll give me a call." She gave Emily a light kiss and left.

Emily went back to the balcony, breathing in the night air. This had not been an evening she would ever have predicted for herself. Stopping things with Laura had not lessened her need for the physical release of orgasm. She went inside, undressed and lay on the bed in the darkness. As she touched herself, she imagined Ann as her lover. When the orgasms came, they took care of the most immediate need, but she longed to feel Ann's caress, to feel Ann hold her as they fell asleep together. She drifted off to sleep dreaming of Ann.

Laura was as good as her word. She picked Emily up the next two days, and they roared around in her Miata, visiting deserted beaches. They ran, played tennis, even went snorkeling. In the evenings they changed and ate in different restaurants. Emily felt lighter and fitter than she had in a long time. Her face glowed with a healthy exuberance. Laura never alluded to their first evening together, nor did she attempt any romantic contact. Friday, Emily's last day at the conference, Laura had to work day shift at the hospital, so they agreed to meet that evening for dinner.

Emily had the afternoon to herself. She went out to the beach adjoining her hotel and stretched out on a towel. She reflected on the events of the week. Laura's attention had been good for her. She genuinely liked her. Her wit and jokes were razor sharp, and she no longer caught Emily by surprise with her off-color humor. Emily suspected Laura would have a hard time being monogamous, but she enjoyed having her as a friend. If Emily had been in a different place in her life, Laura might have been a fun lover.

When Emily went in to shower and change, she stood looking at her reflection in the mirror. Despite the fact that she wasn't ready to go to bed with Laura, she sheepishly admitted to herself that she wanted her to remember this last evening together. She chose a pale yellow silk tank top, which she wore braless, with dark green linen shorts, which accentuated her narrow hips and lean thighs. She knew she had chosen well when she saw the look in Laura's eyes in the lobby. Laura herself looked beautiful in a blue batik blouse that made her eyes seem shockingly blue, with white rayon pants which clung just enough to suggest the lean contour of her legs and hips.

"Wow," Laura said as they left the lobby.

"Wow, yourself," Emily said admiringly. As they settled into the Miata's low seats, she asked, "Could we go to the restaurant we went to the first night?"

"Sure." Laura smiled and gunned the engine. They got a quiet table at the restaurant, and their waiter, who was obviously gay, took care not to impose on them any more than necessary. Following dinner, they went to the same stretch of beach they had gone to that first night and got out to walk. During the course of the week, Laura had gently pried bits of Emily's story from her.

"Emily," Laura said as they walked barefoot through the sand, "I've gotten to know you a little better this week, but there's something I don't understand. When you talk about Caroline and everything that happened after her accident, I don't hear any anger. I don't get that; I would have been mad as hell, and I would have let everyone know it."

Emily walked on a short distance before responding, "What good would it have done to get angry? It was Virginia; I had no legal rights. There was absolutely nothing I could do about it."

Laura looked over at Emily. "I may really piss you off when I say this, but I think the reason you won't let yourself get angry is because it would mean being angry with Caroline. Ultimately, she was responsible for everything that happened. If she had really loved you the way it sounds like you loved her, she wouldn't have insisted on keeping your relationship so secret, and she wouldn't have left you so vulnerable to everything her parents did to you." When Emily didn't answer, but just kept walking, Laura decided to press a little further. "You have the right to be angry, Emily." Emily stopped walking and stood with her eyes closed. Laura stepped closer.

"I just can't," Emily said in a low voice.

"You will when the time is right." Laura murmured as she wrapped her arms around Emily and held her tightly.

 Laura released her after a moment, and linked her arm through Emily's as they turned around and walked slowly back to the car.

"Enough of that," Laura said as they strolled, "Does Ann know how you feel about her?"

"No," Emily replied, grateful for a change of subject. "I just recently realized it myself. But I haven't told her."

"Look," Laura stopped and Emily turned to face her. "If you care for her this much, isn't she worth fighting for?"

"It's not that simple." Emily struggled to explain. "I'm not willing to set myself up to fall again for someone who can't handle this lifestyle, including dealing with family." Her face hardened. "I don't think I could go through that again."

"You shouldn't have to. You should be loved by someone who would love you openly." Laura hesitated and cleared her throat. "I joked the other night about calling me if things didn't work out with Ann. I know we've only known each other for a few days, but I would like to stay in touch."

Emily placed a hand on Laura's cheek. "You have been so good for me. I haven't felt this unguarded for a long time."

Laura stepped closer, and they kissed, a long, tender kiss. As they parted, Emily said softly, "I'd better get back.

Laura released her slowly and they walked back to the car. They drove to the hotel, and Emily gave Laura one last kiss as she got out. "I'll call," she promised, and turned to go inside. The doorman smiled broadly as he opened the door for her then winked at Laura before she pulled away.

Chapter 22

"Mrs. Gundlach, I'm home!" Emily called out as she entered the front door Saturday evening, shaking snow from her hair.

"Ach!" Mrs. Gundlach exclaimed, coming from the kitchen to give Emily a hug. "We have missed you! The house has been so quiet." Greta barked and nearly tripped Emily as she wriggled in for a scratch on the head.

"I missed you, too." Emily smiled.

"Look at you! You are brown like a nut. You must have had a good time."

"I did. I'll tell you all about it." Emily took her bag upstairs. She paused to look at Caroline's painting, lightly touching the canvas.

She bounced down the stairs and joined Mrs. Gundlach in the kitchen. "So, you had a good time?" Mrs. Gundlach asked as she peeled potatoes.

Emily nodded. "It was a good week," she said, picking a knife out of the drawer to help with the potatoes.

Mrs. Gundlach looked over at her. "Did you get the message that Ann called you before you left?"

Emily concentrated on her potato. "Yes, but I didn't have a chance to call her."

"Why don't you invite her over for dinner?" Mrs. Gundlach suggested. "Papa and I would love to see her."

"I'm not sure she's available this weekend," Emily started to protest until she saw how closely Mrs. Gundlach was watching her, "but I'll call and see."

She took a deep breath as she dialed Ann's number. Her heart was beating fast as she heard Ann's voice answer.

"Hi there," Emily said, trying to sound casual.

"Emily!" The warmth in Ann's voice caught Emily off-guard. "When did you get back?"

"Just now. We were wondering if you'd like to come over for dinner."

"I'd love to. I'll be there in a few minutes."

Emily resumed her potato peeling and casually said, "She's coming over." Mrs. Gundlach smiled.

Within a few minutes the doorbell rang. Emily opened the door and was left breathless at the sight of Ann's beautiful smile.

"It's good to have you back," Ann said as she stepped inside and gave Emily a long hug. Emily held her tightly in return, inhaling her perfume.

As Ann stepped back and looked at Emily, she exclaimed, "Look at your tan! You look great." There was an intensity in her eyes that made Emily's stomach flutter.

Emily suddenly realized something was missing. "Hey, where are your crutches? Are you allowed to walk without them already?"

"Don't need them anymore," Ann said as she took off her coat.

They went into the kitchen where Mrs. Gundlach gave Ann a hug in welcome.

"Papa!" she said as he came in the back door, "Look who's home!"

"Miss Emily, we were lonely without you," he said, his blue eyes twinkling. "And Miss Ann, it's good to see you again, and no crutches I see."

Ann and Mr. Gundlach set the kitchen table as Mrs. Gundlach and Emily finished the meal. Mr. Gundlach quickly built a fire in the kitchen fireplace, its cheery crackle adding background noise as they sat to eat.

Most of the conversation was initially provided by Emily as the others wanted to hear about her week. She talked about the conferences she had attended and how much she had enjoyed the beach and the sunsets. "I also made a new friend," she added, keeping her eyes on her pork chop. "She showed me around and introduced me to some of her friends. It was nice to have people to spend the evenings with." Cursing herself, she felt her face and neck blushing. She looked up to see Ann watching her with the same intensity she had noticed earlier. She deftly changed the focus of conversation by asking Mr. Gundlach about the animals. She was glad to divert her attention to the Gundlachs as they chatted animatedly.

Later, as Ann washed the dishes and Emily dried, Emily worked up the courage to ask, "So when did Paul leave?"

"He left Monday evening, the day we had lunch," Ann replied.

"Really?" Emily stopped and looked over at her. "I had the impression he intended to stay a few days longer."

Ann shrugged. "I guess he changed his mind."

"Is everything okay between you two?" Emily asked.

"Yes," Ann said, looking up at Emily. "It's just that things are different between us now."

"Different how?"

Ann turned her attention back to the plate in her hand. "I just don't feel the same way about him, that's all."

Emily felt like shouting, but restrained herself.

"Tell me about the person you met in Florida," Ann said quietly.

Emily quickly considered how much to tell Ann, but decided she had to be honest. Whatever happened with Ann had to be based on complete openness with one another. "Her name is Laura. She's a physician assistant, and lives in Tampa." Emily paused, not sure where to go with this.

"What does she look like?" Ann asked, still keeping her eyes down.

"Blonde short hair, tanned, athletic. She's attractive," Emily answered truthfully.  She wasn't sure why Ann was so curious about this.

Ann tried to keep her tone light as she asked, "So, is this becoming something serious?" Although she told herself it didn't really matter, her stomach felt as if someone had punched it.

Emily put down the bowl she was drying and said, "Come sit down with me for a few minutes." Ann dried her hands, and joined Emily at the table. They sat facing the fire, both of them staring at the flames.

Emily explained, "Laura's initial contact with me was an obvious pickup. She came to my table, flirted with me and asked me out." She paused for a moment. "I wanted to just have fun with someone I wouldn't have to see again. I wanted to let go and not worry about falling in love. And part of me really wanted to have sex." Ann couldn't help but smile. Emily continued, "Laura was attractive and attentive and fun to be with. We had dinner and danced; we went for walks on the beach. And she indicated that she was willing to provide the sex." Emily took a deep breath. "But when it came down to really letting go with her, I couldn't do it."

There was a long silence.

"Because of Caroline?" Ann asked.

"No, Ann." Emily closed her eyes. "Because of you." She finished barely above a whisper.

Ann's heart felt as if it would burst. She started to reach out to take Emily's hand, but stopped, afraid. She looked at Emily's beautiful profile, and remembered her whispered words, "I love you." Her fear melted away, and she placed her hand over Emily's. Emily's eyes fluttered open and looked down unbelievingly at Ann's long fingers wrapped around hers. She lifted her eyes to Ann's and was almost knocked over by the intense blueness.

Emily recalled Laura's advice to tell Ann how she felt. She took another deep breath, and turned back to the fire. "Ann, I want to tell you something and I want you to listen and not say anything." She paused to find the right words. "When Caroline died, I felt nothing beyond my pain. It filled me completely. Eventually, I became numb. That was how I coped and how I've lived the past four years. Not until I met you did I have the slightest desire to open the door to even a deep friendship. The thought of falling in love again had never entered my mind."

Emily stood, wrapping her arms around herself. Ann waited patiently. "I hope I don't offend you when I say this, but I am in love with you." She turned to look at Ann whose features were highlighted by the firelight. "I know this must be totally foreign to you. I don't have any expectations. I just needed to tell you how I feel. I value your friendship more than you know, and I promise I won't do anything to make you uncomfortable."

Emily turned back to the fire. Ann waited a moment, then asked, "Can I say something now?"

Emily smiled and nodded. Ann stood to join her in front of the fire. "A couple of weeks ago, I told you, here in this kitchen, that I found myself drawn to you in a way I didn't understand. The real reason Paul left was because he felt he was in the way."

"Of what?"

"Of you and me." Ann diverted her eyes to the fire. "He said it was obvious that I was in love with you."

There was a profound silence in which the crackling of the fire sounded like gunshots. Emily's heart felt as if it had ceased to beat as she waited.

"Are you?" she whispered.

Ann closed her eyes, and shook her head. "I was so surprised when he said it, I didn't know what to think. I told you before that I wasn't sure what I felt. But I spent this past week trying to sort out my feelings, thinking about what it would mean to be in love with you, to be involved in a relationship with a woman."

Emily waited silently, giving Ann a chance to choose her words. "I knew after everything you've been through, you would probably have a hard time trusting the feelings of someone who's never been in a gay relationship, who might be tempted to run back to a man the first time things became unpleasant."

Emily couldn't help smiling. It was so like Ann to first consider whether her decision would hurt someone else, rather than simply acting on her feelings. She placed a hand on Ann's shoulder and turned her so that they were face to face.

"Are you?" she asked again.

Ann's eyes were a blue-gray in the firelight. Emily felt she was looking into Ann's soul.

"Yes," she said simply.

Emily pulled Ann into her arms, and held her so tightly her arms trembled. "Oh, Ann," she whispered, "you have no idea how I've longed to hear you say that." A tear squeezed out of her eye.

"You don't know how long I've waited to find the one I could say it to," Ann whispered back, newly aware of the softness of Emily's cheek on hers and the pressure of Emily's body against hers.

Neither of them was sure how long they had been standing there holding one another when they heard Mrs. Gundlach call, "Girls? Would you like some pie for dessert?"

Startled, they stepped back, smiling at each other. "That sounds good," Emily replied. They helped Mrs. Gundlach bring pie and coffee to the living room. As they were enjoying the delicious cherry pie, Mr. Gundlach suddenly got up and went out to the front porch. He was back in a few seconds.

"How would you like to go for a sleigh ride?" he asked with his twinkling smile.

"Really?" Ann asked. "I haven't been in a sleigh in years."

"I've never been," Emily said.

"Well, get dressed, and we'll harness the mares," he said.

Everyone bundled up in warm clothes and headed out to the barn. Mr. Gundlach gave instructions for harnessing the huge, gentle Percheron mares, Molly and Snow. Ann talked in a low voice to Snow as she put her bridle on. Listening to her, Emily and Mr. Gundlach smiled at each other as they pulled the sleigh into position and fastened the harness to the stays. Mrs. Gundlach brought heavy wool throws from the house and placed them in the sleigh. Greta sniffed and inspected everything, walking freely under the mares, who gazed at her placidly.

Soon they were seated with the Gundlachs in the front and Emily and Ann in the back seat. Mr. Gundlach clucked to the mares and they pulled the sleigh out into the snow. The soft shush of the runners blended with the muffled hoof beats in the quiet night. Snow was still falling in large airy flakes, and the half moon cast a silver glow on everything.  

Under the wool throw, Ann reached over for Emily's hand. As their fingers twined together, Emily wondered if she were dreaming. Twenty-four hours ago, anything more than a friendship with Ann had seemed like a fantasy. She looked over to find Ann watching her. As their eyes met, the pressure of their hands increased.

Mr. Gundlach guided the horses down the road to an open gate allowing entrance to a large pasture with scattered trees. At the rear of the pasture was a barely discernible road cut through the trees. The moon shadows of the bare branches rippled over them as they glided by underneath. The horses seemed to be enjoying the outing also, trotting along smartly through the deepening snow. Greta bounded alongside. Mr. Gundlach began telling stories from his childhood, of rides with his family all jammed into the sleigh for trips to town for supplies in winter. They laughed as he recounted some of the mischief he and his brothers got into.

Warmed by the laughter and the camaraderie, they were all surprised to find themselves approaching the house almost an hour later. As they worked together to unharness the horses, their breath hung as clouds of vapor. Once the horses were bedded down with warm rugs draped over them, the humans and dog all headed back to the house. They left their snowy boots on the back porch and padded into the warm kitchen in their socks. Mr. Gundlach stoked the fire while his wife made hot chocolate. They warmed up inside and out. Ann and Emily both glowed, but it had nothing to do with either the cocoa or the fire.

"Oh gosh!" Ann exclaimed. "I hadn't realized the time! It's after eleven. I'd better be going."

"Why don't you spend the night?" Emily offered. She immediately wondered if Ann thought the invitation was based on other motives.

Ann smiled. "That sounds like fun. It'll be like old times."

They cleared away the dishes, and punched the logs down, closing the fireplace doors, and then headed upstairs. Emily got out a big t-shirt for Ann to wear, and went to the bathroom first to give Ann time to change. After Ann had washed and brushed her teeth, she rejoined Emily in the bedroom.

In the dim glow from the bedside lamp, Emily looked even more tan. Ann climbed into bed and sat beside Emily, suddenly feeling self-conscious. She realized how unsure she was of how to proceed. She raised her eyes to find Emily smiling at her. "What?" she asked, blushing.

Emily's smile broadened. "I've finally got you in my bed," she teased.

"You had me in your bed for a whole week," Ann reminded her.

"Yes, but you were lame. I couldn't take advantage of you when running away wasn't an option," she grinned.

"How chivalrous," Ann quipped, one eyebrow raised.

Emily's expression became serious. "On that note, there is something I want to talk to you about." She reached over and took Ann's hand in hers. She traced the delicate tips of her fingers. "You are so incredibly beautiful," she said, distracted from what she had wanted to say. "I hope you don't mind my saying that. Your beauty is one aspect of who you are, but it's not why I love you."

Ann smiled and reached out to touch Emily's cheek. "I don't mind your saying it. Hearing it from you is the only time I have felt truly beautiful." She traced the shape of Emily's lips. "I hope you know how beautiful you are also." She placed her fingers under Emily's chin and gently brought Emily's mouth to hers. She was stunned by the softness of her lips. They kissed slowly, deeply, getting to know one another.  "Oh, Emily," Ann whispered weakly, resting her forehead against Emily's. "I never imagined a kiss could feel so gentle and so intense at the same time."

"There's a lot you haven't imagined," Emily smiled. Then, "That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about." Ann sat up and turned to sit cross-legged facing her. "I know the past week has probably opened your eyes to a lot of things you've never thought about, at least in terms of your lifestyle." She paused to clear her throat. "Falling in love is very intoxicating, and making love makes it even more intoxicating. Before this week, you weren't sure what you felt for me. I don't want to be remembered like a bad hangover."

She reached out to take Ann's hand in both of hers. "I waited a long time for you to come into my life, and I'm not willing to settle for an affair with you. I want a life with you. And although I really, really want to make love with you, that's a small part of being married to someone. I want you to consider whether you could be married to me before we go any further."

She watched Ann's face carefully as she finished. "Have I offended you? I didn't mean to be presumptuous…"

"Emily, be quiet."

Emily obediently became silent.

"How could I be offended by what I think was a marriage proposal?" Ann smiled. "But I have to admit that when you mentioned the word marriage, I realized that I still reserve that concept for male-female couples.  I hadn't thought about our relationship on those terms." She paused, looking down at their intertwined fingers.

"You're right, you know," she admitted. "This whole week I have felt, as you said, intoxicated.  I can understand your need to have me think about the consequences of any decisions we make. So I agree; we should wait to go any further." As she finished, she slid down under the covers

"Damn," Emily grumbled. "I was afraid you'd agree with me."  Ann chuckled softly as Emily turned out the lamp.

Chapter 23

The next few weeks flew by as Emily settled back into her class schedule. She had a great deal of research to do for her own classes as well as keeping ahead of her teaching load and trying to supervise the other teaching assistants. Ann's schedule also intensified with exams and papers every couple of days in one class or another. They spent most evenings studying together, either in the library or at the Gundlachs'. Emily avoided Ann's invitations to study at her apartment, not trusting herself to be alone with her. They had also resumed their early morning workouts, Emily running at the student rec center now that the snow was a constant, and Ann confining her riding to the indoor ring as she let her ankle adapt to the stresses placed on it.

Emily had vowed she would not push Ann for a decision, nor would she allude to the question with constant analysis of their relationship. For her, it was enough that Ann still chose to spend time with her.

For her part, Ann found Emily's presence more comfortable than any person she had ever known. Their conversations ranged from discussions of ancient European literature to gay discrimination in the military to their favorite old movies. Without having set ground rules, it seemed to be a given that they would be absolutely honest with each other, even when honesty was not especially flattering. Their friendship deepened considerably during this period.

One evening, when Ann came to the Gundlachs' to study, she said, "There was a message from my parents on my machine. When I called, they wanted to know what you're doing for Thanksgiving. If you don't have plans, they would love for you to join us."

Emily was startled to realize that it was already mid-November. She hadn't even thought about Thanksgiving. She wouldn't have time to go home to Pennsylvania, nor did she really want to go. "Are you sure I wouldn't be intruding?"

"Are you kidding?" Ann smiled. "My parents really want you to come.  You'll get to meet Michael."

"Your brother. You don't speak of him often," Emily observed.

"Michael is four years older, so we never had the same set of friends. I know he didn't understand why I didn't go straight to college. He thinks the Peace Corps was a big waste of time. In Michael's mind, if it didn't earn money, it wasn't worth pursuing."

"That surprises me," Emily said. "Neither of your parents seems to have that attitude."

"They don't at all. They've always been politically active – very left wing," she said with a smile. "Mom used to work with Dad until we were born, and since then her energy has gone into volunteer work. She's very involved with a couple of different AIDS groups. Ironically, her pharmaceutical connections are one of her biggest strengths; she bombards them with requests for free or discount drugs for various low-income programs. My parents have always contributed to the arts and to groups that provide opportunities for poor children to experience museum trips and outdoor camps. I don't think they have ever taken for granted how fortunate we are, but I think for Michael, there's a feeling that he has to compete with Dad to prove himself." She got back to the original topic. "So, will you come?"

As Emily looked into Ann's hopeful eyes, her heart warmed. "I can't think of anyone I'd rather spend Thanksgiving with."

Ann beamed, and Emily swore the room brightened with her radiance.

Chapter 24

Ann sat in her French class on Wednesday with growing nervousness. For the past few weeks, she had felt alternately exhilarated and terrified about publicly presenting the poem she had picked, not only to Lise and her classmates, but to Emily, who had asked if it would make Ann too nervous if she were present. Three times she had started to prepare a different presentation, but each time she was drawn back to her original choice.

Monday's class had been fun, with two students presenting a one-act play, and another a dramatic reading from a biography of St. Joan of Arc, complete with cardboard armor. Today, she watched Emily as she spoke with Lise prior to class. She noticed how often Emily gestured with her hands as she expressed herself. She also noticed how easily she smiled and laughed lately. As Emily headed to the back of the class to observe, Ann handed her an envelope.

The class began with a female student singing a French folk song, accompanying herself on a guitar.

"Ann?" Lise called as the applause faded.

Ann took a deep breath, and handed Lise a copy of the complete poem, both in French and with her translation. She went to the front of the room and cleared her throat. Speaking in French, she began, "As I was searching for a topic for this assignment, I came across small excerpts of works written by women in the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries, but I had trouble finding complete works. It seems that many of the poems and books written by women exist only in rather obscure collections." She paused and saw that Emily was reading her paper which also contained the entire poem and translation.

"I was able to locate a poem by a woman who called herself Renée Vivien. She was born in London as Pauline Mary Tarn, but she adopted Paris as her home at the turn of the century, and wrote under her pseudonym. I'll read part of her poem titled "Words For My Friend:"

"See: I am at the age where the maiden surrenders her hand

To the man whom her frailty seeks and dreads,

And I have not yet chosen my companion along the way,

Because you appeared at a turn in the path.

The hyacinth bled over the red hills

You dreamed and Love walked by your side…

I am a woman, I have no right to beauty.

I have been condemned to the ugliness of men."

Ann looked up to find Emily's gaze fixed on her. She couldn't be certain, but she thought Emily's eyes might be shining with tears. She felt her face get hot, and looking down, she continued.

"And I had the inexcusable audacity to desire

A sonorous love created from light innocence,

The furtive footstep that doesn't even bruise the ferns

And the sweet voice that blends with the evening.

I have been forbidden your hair, your eyes,

Because your hair is long and fragrant

And because your eyes hold a strange ardour.

And they become cloudy like rebellious waves.

They point at me with angry gestures,

Because my eyes sought your tender gaze…

Seeing us pass by, no one has wanted to understand

That I have chosen you with simplicity."

There was polite applause from her classmates as Ann sat down. She knew they hadn't understood what Renée Vivien was writing about. A few months ago, she might not have either. Everything seemed changed now. These past few weeks she had looked at the world differently, realizing the enormity of the expectation that everyone will pair up with someone of the opposite gender. Simple romantic gestures such as a quiet dinner at a nice restaurant or ordering flowers to be delivered could become challenges if your companion was of the same gender.

She sat absorbed in her thoughts, oblivious to the presentation which followed hers. She was startled by the applause which interrupted her train of thought. Class was over. What to say to Emily? How to act? Emily stopped beside her, and there was no time to compose herself. She looked up, unable to mask her emotions, and felt herself fall into the golden depths of Emily's eyes. Emily laid her hand on Ann's shoulder for a moment and dropped a folded piece of paper in her lap.

"That was an interesting choice," Lise said, stopping also near Ann's desk as she came from the back of the room. She glanced toward the door where Emily's back was just disappearing around the corner. Ann's face burned, but she made no response. Looking back at Ann, Lise repeated, "Très intéressant."

Ann took her time putting her books into her backpack. When she was alone, she opened the note. "Meet me in the bell tower at seven?" was written in Emily's small, bold handwriting. Ann smiled and realized she could still feel the warmth of Emily's hand.

Chapter 25

Emily stood in the bell tower, oblivious to the cold. The lamps in the park cast silvery cones of light down to the snow-covered ground. There were only a few people walking below. She remembered the day in August when she had first spotted Ann from up here. So much had happened since then. She felt giddy, almost drunk, at the recollection of the look in Ann's eyes earlier today when class had ended. There had been so much love and such defenselessness – Emily closed her eyes and just remembered.

When she opened her eyes, she saw Ann standing under a tree watching her. She smiled, and Ann hurried to the little church. When she got to the loft she flew into Emily's arms. They held each other tightly for a long time. The hug gave way to a kiss, long and slow, their hands exploring under their jackets. When they parted, their fast breathing hung in the air in steamy clouds.

Emily held Ann's face in her hands. "I love you so much," she said fiercely.

"I love you, too," Ann murmured, aware of what it felt like to say that to someone for the first time in her life.

Ann pulled Emily down to sit next to her, their backs leaning against the wall of the belfry. "I know it's probably been hard waiting for my answer," she said quietly. Her eyes were grey in the shadows.

"I haven't wanted to push you. I don't want to lose your friendship," Emily said earnestly.

Ann smiled. "You couldn't do anything to take that away, and you haven't pushed at all. You've been wonderful, just being with me while I thought things through.  You were right. There are a lot of things I hadn't considered."

"Like what?"

"Well, my family for instance," Ann replied. "It was one thing to imagine their reaction to a relationship with a woman, but how would they be if I were settling down with you for good? I don't know," she admitted. "And," she squirmed a little, "I've had to ask myself if I'm ready to get married to anyone right now."

Emily held her breath.

"I'm just getting started with college after a long delay. I don't have a career yet. I've tried to analyze how I would be feeling if Paul had asked me – what criteria would I use to make the decision?" She turned to face Emily. "But with all my arguments, and all the unknowns, I keep circling back to one thing. I love you more than I thought I could ever love anyone. And if you'll still have me, I want, more than anything, to spend the rest of my life with you."

Emily breathed again. "Oh, Ann, if I'll have you? I'll spend the rest of my life trying to deserve you."

This time Ann took Emily's face in her hands. "Emily, don't you know what a good person you are? I don't need for you to try and deserve me or be a martyr for me. The only thing I need is your love." She pulled Emily's mouth to hers, and was struck again by the unbelievable softness and tenderness of her kiss.

She shivered involuntarily, and they both realized how cold they had become. "Can you come over to my apartment?" Ann asked as they got stiffly to their feet.

"I thought you had a psychology exam tomorrow." Emily recalled. "And I have a paper I really have to get finished before Thanksgiving." She took Ann's hand as they started toward the stairs. "I want to be able to enjoy my time with you at Thanksgiving without worrying about a deadline."

Before they left the small church, they stopped for one last kiss before stepping outside into the world.

Chapter 26

The remaining days before Thanksgiving break passed quickly, and Tuesday evening found Ann and Emily in the Land Cruiser on their way to the Hights'. During a lull in the conversation, Emily remembered the circumstances of their last trip to Ann's home.

"What are you thinking about?" Ann asked softly, reaching a hand over to Emily's thigh.

Emily covered Ann's hand with her own. "Oh, just remembering the last time we did this." She looked over, watching Ann's profile as she drove. "I know I've said this before, but I don't know if I can ever thank you enough for all that you did for me during that time."

Ann glanced over and smiled tenderly. "You're welcome."

"You have brought so much healing into my life," said Emily with the wonder of retrospect.

"I met you at a time when you were ready to be healed," Ann observed. "If I had met you three years ago, none of this would have happened. You wouldn't have let it."

Emily thought about that. "You're probably right," she admitted. "I guess timing is everything."

They stopped for a quick meal, and then Emily drove. With directions from Ann, she found the entrance to the driveway, the white fence gleaming in the headlights. As they pulled up to the house, the warm glow of the outdoor lamps welcomed them.

"I love this house," Emily said.

Ann smiled. "I know. It will always feel like home to me."

They entered through the front door into a warm cocoon filled with the mixed aromas of wood smoke, cinnamon and baking dough.

"Girls!" Katharine rushed from the kitchen wiping her flour-covered hands on her apron. She gave each of them a warm hug and kiss on the cheek. "Take your coats off and come into the kitchen," she said as they set their suitcases down.

They followed her into the kitchen where the table was covered with flour in preparation for the large bowl of raised dough sitting there.

"Ann, pour some coffee for Emily and yourself and come talk to me while I roll this out," Katharine directed.

"What's baking?" Emily asked as she sat down with a large mug. "It smells wonderful."

"Thank you," Katharine smiled. "There are pumpkin pies in the oven now, and these are going to be cinnamon rolls for breakfast."

"Where's Dad?" Ann asked.

"He's stacking some more firewood in the box. You know him, he's always afraid we'll run out," Katharine replied.

As if in response to his name, Owen opened the back door, stomping snow off his boots before he came in.

"Annie," he beamed as she ran over to throw her arms around him.

"Hello, Emily," he said warmly as he hung up his coat. "We're glad you could join us."

"Thank you for inviting me," she said sincerely.

"When is Michael getting here?" Ann asked as she snatched a pinch of dough and popped it into her mouth.

"Quit that!" her mother scolded. "He said he'd be in tomorrow afternoon."

"Is anyone else coming for Thanksgiving?" Ann asked, eyeing the dough for another opportunity.

"No, not this year," Owen said. "Your aunts and uncles are all staying home this year." He poured himself a cup of coffee and joined them at the table.

Emily noticed how handsome he was, his very blue eyes so like Ann's, his black hair beginning to gray at the temples. Katharine's silver hair belied her youthful energy and sense of humor. These thoughts were running through her head as Ann chatted on and on about how school was going, how her ankle was healing and how Meg was doing, so Emily didn't hear the first time Owen asked her how her classes were going.

"Uh," she stammered, red-faced as he repeated the question. "Everything is going very well. I'm actually ahead of schedule in a couple of classes, so it won't feel so frantic getting ready for finals." As she spoke, she watched Katharine brush the rolled-out dough with melted butter. Ann sprinkled cinnamon sugar over top of that, and Katharine rolled the dough into a log and cut it into discs with a knife. Emily's mouth watered in anticipation as the discs were laid in a large pan, the dark swirls of cinnamon making a spiral pattern in each.

While Katharine removed the pies from the oven and set the cinnamon rolls to rise, the others helped clean up. When they were done, they went into the den where Owen poked the fire into a roar, adding a large log amid a cascade of sparks.

Flipping through the DVDs in the cabinet next to the television, Ann suggested, "How about 'Miracle on 34th Street' ?" As the opening credits played on the television, they settled comfortably, Owen and Katharine on the sofa, Ann on pillows on the floor and Emily curled up in her chair. As always, Emily was captivated by Maureen O'Hara's beauty, but she found her gaze wandering down to Ann, her dark, silky hair spilling over the pillow.  As if she felt Emily's touch, Ann looked up once and smiled.

Perhaps because of the love evident in Ann's eyes, perhaps because of the nostalgia of the beloved old movie, perhaps because of the warmth of the welcome she had received from Ann's parents – whatever the reason, Emily felt her heart swelling with a jumble of emotions she had thought long dead. She felt a greater anticipation of the holiday season than she could ever remember.

As the movie ended, Ann sat up. "I just love that movie," she said.

Katharine smiled. "You used to remind me of Natalie Wood when you were young. Once your mind was made up about something, you were unshakeable."

"Sounds like someone else I know," Owen said fondly, kissing his wife on the cheek. As they got up to go up to bed, he closed up the fireplace.

"Ann?" Katharine asked, "Do you mind sharing your room with Emily? Michael will be in tomorrow."

"I don't mind," Ann replied. "I had assumed she would be sharing my room," she added with a look that made Emily blush.

They said goodnight in the hall, and the girls carried their suitcases into Ann's room. Ann went to wash up while Emily changed. She pulled on a large men's buttondown as a nightshirt. After Emily brushed her teeth and came back into the bedroom, she found that Ann had turned out the light and was sitting in the windowseat. Moonlight streamed in from the cold winter sky, lighting the contours of Ann's beautiful face. Emily joined her there.

"I used to sit here for hours as a child," Ann reminisced, "dreaming about all the adventures I would have. They almost always involved a horse, of course," she smiled.

"Of course," Emily smiled, too, picturing Ann as a girl.

"I'm really glad you agreed to come," Ann said, laying her hand on Emily's knee.

Emily gently took Ann's hand in both of hers. "I am, too." She felt a slight tremor in Ann's fingers. "Are you cold?"

"No," Ann whispered, "not cold." Her eyes were a very pale grey in the silver moonlight. Emily reached up with one hand, and lightly ran her fingers over the sculpted contours of Ann's face, the high forehead and slightly arched brows, the high cheekbones, the gently curved lips.

"Your beauty still takes me by surprise," Emily said softly.

Ann smiled. "I hope I'll always surprise you," she murmured as she leaned forward. Emily met her lips, gently at first. Their lips parted and the kiss deepened and lingered. Emily pulled Ann to her feet and folded her in her arms without breaking their kiss. As Ann's body pressed into hers, Emily felt the soft pressure of Ann's breasts against her own. She ran her hands over the curves of Ann's waist and hips, pulling them into her. Ann's hands slipped under Emily's shirt, causing shivers as her fingers probed the muscles of Emily's back. Ann's kiss became more assertive as she boldly slid her hands around to Emily's breasts. Emily gasped, and pulled away.

"Are you sure about this?" she asked breathlessly.

"I've never felt so sure about anything in my life," Ann said intensely. "I love you so much."

Emily's answer was in her kiss and her hands as she lifted Ann's nightshirt over her head. The silver moonlight played over the graceful curves of her breasts and torso.

"There just aren't words for how beautiful you are," Emily whispered with awe. She placed her hands on the heavy softness of Ann's breasts and bent to nuzzle first one nipple, then the other. It was Ann's turn to gasp as her hands flew to Emily's hair, pressing her mouth more firmly against the exquisitely sensitive nipple. Emily slowly kissed her way back up to Ann's neck, marveling at the velvety softness of her skin.

Ann unbuttoned Emily's shirt, letting it fall from her shoulders. The moonlight had a different effect as Emily's tan line made her breasts seem very white in contrast to the skin which had been exposed to the sun. Ann lightly ran her fingers over the shadows of Emily's collarbones, over the smoothly muscled chest, down to the small, firm breasts. Her fingers gently squeezed the protruding nipples. She tentatively bent to take one in her mouth and got a groan from Emily which startled her.

"Did I hurt you?" she asked anxiously.

"No," Emily smiled, "but if you keep stopping every time I make noise, you're going to drive me crazy."

Reassured, Ann went back to the nipple. Fascinated, she rolled the firm bud around with her tongue. Emily's reactions no longer alarmed her, and she began to enjoy her power to please. She squeezed the nipple with her lips before moving to the other side.

Emily took Ann's face in her hands and pressed her lips and tongue more forcefully against Ann's. The growing intensity was returned by Ann, who draped her arms around Emily's neck, pressing their nipples together. Emily wrapped her arms around Ann's small waist, lifting her feet off the ground, and carried her to the bed. She gently lowered Ann to the bed, and slowly slid her underwear over her hips. Ann lay quietly, enjoying the love and admiration in Emily's eyes as she gazed at Ann's body. Emily slid her own underwear off and lay down on top of Ann, their legs and bodies intertwined.

As Emily pulled the covers over them, Ann whispered, "Take me for my first ride in a Ferrari."

Chapter 27

Ann lay on her side watching Emily sleep in the gray pre-dawn light. She listened to her deep, slow breathing, and remembered how ragged and broken her breathing had been as they made love. Ann shuddered involuntarily as the memory aroused an orgasmic aftershock. Nothing could have prepared her for the intensity of their love-making. She recalled with some embarrassment how she had wept as Emily brought her to the most exquisite orgasm she had ever experienced – it had simply been too much to contain. She reached out to lightly touch Emily's curls. She felt an absolute certainty that this was the one love she had waited for.

Too restless to go back to sleep, she carefully slid out of bed, her naked body immediately covered in goose bumps at the sudden coolness outside the cozy warmth of bed. She ran into the bathroom and got under a hot shower. After she had warmed up, she quietly dressed and went downstairs.

While coffee brewed, she poked the woodstove's embers and added wood. The kitchen quickly became more comfortable. She poured herself a cup of coffee and sat at the table looking out at the snow-covered courtyard, but seeing nothing as she replayed each moment of the previous night in her mind.

"Well, you're up early," Katharine said as she came into the kitchen.

Ann smiled. "I think it was the anticipation of the cinnamon rolls," she joked.

"Well, let's see if the aroma brings your father and Emily downstairs," Katharine said as she turned the oven on. After she had put the rolls in the oven, she brought a cup of coffee to the table and sat across from Ann.

"So, Ann," she said as she reached her hand out and laid it on top of her daughter's, "how are you?"

Ann looked lovingly into her mother's eyes. "I am better than I ever remember being," she said sincerely.

"How was your visit with Paul?"

Ann's smooth forehead wrinkled a little. "It was good to see him, but I think he was hoping to resume our relationship, and I wasn't. I hope I didn't hurt his feelings." 

"He seems like a genuinely good man," Katharine observed.

Ann smiled. "He is." Ann's eyes clouded a bit. "What kind of future have you and Dad envisioned for me?"

Katharine's eyebrows raised a little, and she took a sip of coffee as she pondered her answer. "I guess we've always pictured you married someday, working at a career you enjoy."

Ann looked down at her mother's hand, and noticed lines beginning to be etched a little deeper than she remembered. "How would you feel if my life didn't follow that path? I mean …" she stumbled for a moment, "what if I never marry, never have children. How would you feel?"

 Katharine watched Ann's face carefully. "I must admit that I've looked forward to having grandchildren running around this house someday, but," she squeezed Ann's hand and made her look up, "you must make your decisions based on what will make you happy, Ann. You can't let anyone else's expectations sway you, not even your mother's," she added with a smile. She sat back and took another sip of coffee. "What brought all this on?"

"I guess Paul's visit was a big catalyst," Ann replied honestly. "And so many of my friends are married now... I've just been thinking a lot about my future."

She looked at her mother with eyes incapable of deceit, and Katharine saw a parade of emotions in them – joy, doubt, worry. She longed to reassure Ann about what lay unspoken between them, but she sensed that she needed to let Ann reach the point of being able to talk about it.

Further conversation was interrupted by Owen's sleepy entrance. "Good morning," he yawned. "Kate, those cinnamon rolls smell heavenly," he said as he kissed her. He kissed the top of Ann's head on his way to the coffee pot.

"They'll be done soon," Katharine said with a smile. "Ann, why don't you go see if Emily is up?"

"She is," came Emily's voice from the hallway as she popped into the kitchen. "Who could sleep through the aroma of those rolls? Ummmm," she took another long whiff. "Refills anyone?" she asked as she poured herself a cup of coffee.

"I'm ready for more," Ann said. Katharine did a double-take at the radiant expression on Ann's face as Emily refilled her cup.

"Katharine?" Emily offered, and Katharine held her cup out.

"How did you girls sleep?" Owen asked innocently.

Katharine almost choked on her coffee as Ann's face turned a deep crimson. She looked over at Emily who was smiling at the coffee pot.

"We slept well," Emily came to Ann's rescue. "That bed is very comfortable."

"Good," Owen said, looking a little perplexed.

To everyone's relief, the timer on the oven went off. After Katharine iced the warm rolls, they all ate until they hurt. After they had finished, Ann and Emily stacked the dishes in the dishwasher. Katharine then shooed everyone out of the kitchen.

"How about a walk?" Ann suggested.

"That sounds wonderful," Emily said as she rubbed her stuffed belly.

They put on boots and jackets and walked down the long driveway.

Emily looked over at Ann. "Are you all right?"

Ann stopped and looked at Emily with shining eyes. "I'm very all right. Did you think I wouldn't be?"

"Well, you know, morning after syndrome," Emily shrugged.

Ann laughed. "Sorry, but you're not getting out of this that easily. You made me wait until I was sure," she took Emily's mittened hand, "so now you're stuck with me."

"Gladly," Emily grinned.

"Come on," Ann said as she hopped the fence lining the drive. Emily followed, and they had to stoop to push their way through the drooping branches of a stand of hemlocks, which had filtered out most of the snow, leaving only a thick mat of needles. "This place always felt holy to me," Ann whispered as they stopped and listened to the hushed rustle of pine boughs in the light breeze. "I always felt completely enclosed in here."

She sat down at the base of one of the largest trunks, a vast network of gnarled roots spreading out about the tree. Emily joined her and they sat for a while in silence.

"I used to pretend that this was an ancient forest with elves and gnomes and fairies," Ann remembered with a smile.

"You must have had quite an imagination," Emily laughed.

"Oh, I did," Ann agreed. "I would pack myself a lunch and be out here all day, playing and pretending."

"All alone?"

"Usually. I had no trouble making up enough characters to keep myself entertained." She turned to look at Emily. "What were you like as a child?"

Emily stared off as if trying to see a picture of her younger self. "I liked to read a lot, but playing usually took the form of baseball, basketball or football with the boys in the neighborhood. In high school, I took up tennis and running, more individual sports."

"Did you have lots of friends?" Ann asked curiously.

"No, lots of acquaintances, but only a couple of friends," Emily responded. "We've pretty much lost touch since high school and college. My fault mostly. You probably had a huge circle of friends."

Ann smiled. "I'm afraid so. By the time I was in high school, I loved being involved with everything. I was on just about every school committee." She paused for a moment. "But while I was in Europe and Africa, that all seemed to change. My contact with those old friends seems very superficial now. When I do see them, the conversation doesn't seem capable of moving past children or redecorating, which is okay, but if you're not at that point in your own life, there's just not much in common."

Ann got to her feet and said, "Come on, let's go back to the old barn."

"Are you sure?" Emily asked. "Won't it give you flashbacks?"

"Very funny," Ann made a face. "You just don't want to have to carry me again."

They walked across a couple of fields, hopping over a low stone wall along the way. As they topped a knoll, the barn came into view, the upper branches of the tall pines layered with snow. As they had done the last time, they paused inside to let their eyes get used to the dim light. Unlike the last time, this pause took the form of a long, passionate kiss that left both of them aching for more. Forcing themselves to show restraint, they explored the lower floor. The packed dirt floor was very dry. Emily ran her hands over the posts supporting the beams. She could still feel the ridges left by the adz which had hewn the roughly square shape of the posts.

"You're right," she said enthusiastically, "with flooring and some kind of heat, this barn would make a wonderful retreat."

"Putting large windows in the south wall would let all kinds of light in," Ann added.

"And over here, we could –" Emily stopped abruptly. "I'm sorry," she stammered, shaking her head.

"Don't be," Ann reassured her.

"Ann, you haven't met my family, and I haven't met all of yours. I don't want us to jump into the future when we don't even know what the present holds."

Ann considered her words. "You're right," she conceded, "we do still have a lot of things to deal with," she laid her hand on Emily's arm, "but don't be afraid to dream with me."

Emily smiled. "I truly do love you."

Ann hugged her and whispered, "I know you do. Now, where should we put our bedroom?"

Emily laughed and swung Ann around. They spent the next hour remodeling the barn in their minds and turning it into a home. At length, they headed back toward the house, tracing the route they had taken the day Ann broke her ankle. As they approached the house, they could see a black BMW parked in the driveway.

"Michael is here!" Ann cried, grabbing Emily's hand and running the last few yards to the back door. She burst into the kitchen and flung herself into her brother's arms.

"Annie!" He held her tightly, and set her down to take a good look at her. "What's up with you?"

In answer, she said, "Michael, I want you to meet Emily. Emily, this is my big brother, Michael."

Emily shook hands with a male version of Ann. Michael was very handsome with thick black hair and very blue eyes. He stood about six two and seemed to present a lean silhouette under his bulky sweater and corduroys. Michael's handshake was firm and his smile was friendly, but Emily could see the curiosity in his eyes.

Katharine put sandwich fixings on the table and placed a large pot of steaming vegetable soup in the center. They all sat and ate. Ann caught Michael up on her progress at school, and Michael spoke of his work as a financial officer for a large investment firm based in Manhattan. Listening to him talk, Emily could tell how motivated he was by the challenge of constantly improving his numbers. He spoke of margins and ratios of whose meaning she was clueless. She could see by Ann's expression as she listened that she adored her older brother. At length, Michael inquired of Emily as to what she did and where she was from.

"I'm a teacher raised by parents who are both teachers. I'm afraid the only important numbers we deal with are grade point averages," she smiled. She got up to carry dishes to the sink, and Ann provided more detail on Emily's accomplishments.

Owen, who had been filled in by Katharine about her conversation with Ann, came over to the sink. "How would you like to go into Boston tonight for dinner?" he asked.

Emily looked up at him. "Are you sure you want to drive in? You do that trip all the time. Why don't we just go back to the Italian restaurant here in town?"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," she smiled, "but thank you for asking. We'll go to Boston another time."

"It's a deal," he said, putting his arm around her shoulders and giving her a squeeze.

After the dishes were done, Owen and Michael went into the den to watch television. Katharine wanted to go through her cookbooks to finalize her choices for tomorrow's feast. Ann and Emily both realized how tired they were since most of the previous night hadn't involved sleep. They kicked off their shoes and fell on top of the comforter. Emily spooned in behind Ann and fell asleep with the scent of Ann's hair in her nostrils.

They awakened with a start as Katharine knocked on the door, calling, "Girls! It's time to get dressed for dinner."

"Thanks, Mom," Ann called out. She rolled onto her back and stretched. Emily ran her hand lightly over Ann's stomach under her sweater, and felt the taut muscles quiver at her touch.

"I am amazed at the effect even your simplest touch has on me," Ann said, pulling Emily to her for a kiss.

As if at a spoken command, they broke off the kiss and both sat up. "Later," Emily said, and they rose to get dressed. Ann wore a black sweater dress, which clung flatteringly to her body. Emily did a double take when she saw her.

"Wow," she breathed.

Ann smiled as she admired Emily in an olive silk blouse and tan silk slacks. "Just one more," she whispered as she pressed her body against Emily's for a long, soft kiss. Emily groaned and rested her forehead against Ann's shoulder. Ann laughed softly and took Emily's hand to lead her to the hallway.

Chapter 28

Most of Thanksgiving morning was spent in the kitchen, with everybody participating in various stages of food preparation and cleaning up. Emily felt very much at home as she freely joined in the conversation and the jokes. She felt a twinge of homesickness. Not since she had been an undergrad had she spent much time at home, and after she had met Caroline, every visit home had felt unbearably long as she waited for the time they could be together again.

"Emily?" Katharine laid a hand on her shoulder as she stood with a big bowl of potatoes in her arms, suspended in the middle of mashing them. "Are you all right?"

Emily laughed self-consciously and turned a deep red. "I'm fine. I just got lost in thought."

"You can call your family after dinner," Katharine said as she went to take the turkey out of the oven.

Emily looked at her in astonishment, and then saw Ann smiling at her.

"It's a mother thing," Ann shrugged.

Owen carved the turkey, and they all sat down to eat. Before beginning, they held hands and said grace. Ann gave Emily's hand a firm squeeze before letting go. The kitchen was actually quiet as everyone concentrated on eating, accompanied only by the snapping of the fire in the woodstove. As their forks slowed, the conversation resumed. After seconds and some third helpings, they all felt sufficiently stuffed.

The dishes were quickly cleared away, and then Owen pulled an even larger turkey out of the oven and began carving it.

"What's that for?" Emily asked.

"We always take the extra one down to the church for anyone who doesn't have family or anywhere to go," Ann explained.

"We'll have dessert later, after we get back," Katharine said.

Emily was amazed at the activity in the church hall. There were tables set with tablecloths and candles, dishes and silverware. At the tables were seated elderly people whose hands shook as they ate, homeless people with their belongings in sacks at their feet, well-dressed families who decided to eat their meal of Thanksgiving with those who usually eat alone. Other people were busy serving, carrying large bowls or platters and offering extra helpings to anyone who was still hungry. Apparently this went on all afternoon with people helping out in shifts. As Katharine, Owen and Michael disappeared into the kitchen, Emily was handed an apron and a large bowl of bread stuffing. She followed Ann's lead and started asking those at the tables if they wanted more. She felt overwhelmed at the gratitude expressed by the recipients. One old woman took Emily's hand in both of her gnarled ones and thanked her with a toothless grin. Emily couldn't help but wonder who should be thanking whom. She looked up to find Ann watching her from a few tables away. Their eyes locked in a gaze as tangible as an embrace.

After a couple of hours, they returned home for pumpkin pie and coffee. A fresh snow had begun to fall, and the clouds made it seem that dusk had arrived early. Her pie gone, Emily sat with her second cup of coffee nestled in both hands, letting the warmth spread to her whole body.

"Thank you all for one of the nicest Thanksgivings I can remember," she said sincerely.

"We're very glad you could join us," Katharine said. "Why don't you go call your family? You can use the phone in Owen's study."

"Thanks." Emily took her coffee with her. She liked the study. It smelled of leather and faintly of Owen's cologne. It wasn't a typical dark, masculine room. The furniture was cherry Mission style, with a large desk, two leather cushioned sofas facing one another in front of the fireplace and another chair near the windows. The walls were a pale sage green with stained woodwork.

She sat in the leather chair behind the desk and dialed her parents' number, and after two rings, heard her father's voice answer.

"Em!" he said warmly as he recognized her voice. He informed her that her sister and brother and their families were all there, watching football following dinner. He filled her in on the weather and how school was going. She did the same. He asked how she was, but didn't ask where she was. After a few minutes, he passed the phone on to her mother and then to her siblings. The conversation was polite and superficial, as always. After she hung up, she sat staring at the phone. She could hear the love in her parents' voices and the hesitation as well. She knew they must have been aware of the tension during her visits home without Caroline, the secretive phone calls late at night so Caroline's parents wouldn't know. They had interpreted her silence as a wish for privacy, which they had respected. But the silence had become a wall between them, especially after Caroline's death. Her visits home had become increasingly more uncomfortable. She simply hadn't been able to bear watching her sister and brother interacting with their spouses and, later, children. She could share neither their joy nor her grief. Now she felt permanently trapped in a middle zone where the conversation consisted only of safe topics such as work and the weather.

There was a soft knock on the door, and Ann poked her head in. "Are you okay?" she asked, concerned.

Emily realized she had been in there almost an hour. "I'm sorry," she apologized.

"I was worried about you," Ann said, coming to her. Emily stood and held her tightly. "Is your family okay?" she asked, still concerned.

"Oh, they're fine," Emily sighed. "Everything is the same as it always is." She let Ann go, saying, "Come on."

They rejoined the family in the kitchen where they were getting set to play poker, using matchsticks to bet with. Emily had never played poker, so they taught her for the first three hands. Two hours later, she had acquired a large pile of wooden matchsticks.

"It's a good thing I'm not a pyromaniac," she gloated as she scooped up her matches like a pirate sifting through her booty.

"We may have created a monster," Ann grumbled, with only two matchsticks left before her.

"Come on," Emily laughed, "just to show you I'm a good sport, I'll use my winnings to start a fire in the den."

Within a few minutes, there was a roaring fire in the fireplace. Emily turned from the hearth to find that Michael was in the chair she had adopted.

"Lie down here," Ann said, patting the pillow she was lying on. Emily chided herself for feeling self-conscious about such a simple gesture. She stretched out on the thick Berber carpet next to Ann and felt the electricity as their shoulders rested against each other. She was barely aware of the movie on television; every one of her senses was focused on Ann. She couldn't remember the last time she had felt this happy. She had only dreamed of being able to spend holidays with the woman she loved as part of a family gathering. Her joy was tempered, though, by the knowledge that Ann's family didn't know about their relationship. That unknown was a small grain of worry, which was a constant source of irritation, never leaving her completely free to enjoy herself. Emily felt Ann's arm press more tightly against hers, as if Ann could read her thoughts and was trying to offer reassurance.

When the movie was over, Owen and Katharine said goodnight. Emily sensed Ann's desire to stay in front of the fire, but Michael went to the sofa, picked up the remote and began switching channels. After a few moments, with the television settled on a police drama, Emily got up and said goodnight, hoping that Ann would follow.

"I'll be up in a little bit," Ann said.

'Maybe she and Michael need time to talk,' Emily thought. She changed and crawled into bed, lying on Ann's side to warm it for her. The moonlight cast a silvery glow throughout the room, with tree shadows dancing on the walls.

She woke with a start, and realized she had drifted off. Ann stepped quietly into the dark room, trying not to disturb Emily.

"I'm awake," Emily whispered.

"I'll hurry," Ann whispered back.

In a few minutes, she got under the covers, taking the warm spot Emily had just vacated. Emily moved close, enjoying Ann's clean smell. Ann put her arm under Emily's head and held her tightly.

"Are you okay?" Emily asked. She could feel Ann's pulse beat in her neck; it was rapid, agitated.

Ann didn't answer for long seconds. "Michael was asking questions about how well I know you, and how much time we spend together. He implied that we shouldn't be friends, if you could be one of my instructors."

Emily waited, but no more came. "How did all that make you feel?"

"Angry and defensive," Ann admitted.

"What did you say?"

"I told him that you have become a close friend, and our friendship wouldn't interfere with our classroom relationship, even if I did take one of your classes."

Emily felt a small, familiar stab of fear hit her heart. This had been Ann's first challenge – she hadn't caved in, but neither had she revealed the truth to her brother.

Again, Ann seemed to read her thoughts. "I wasn't prepared for those kinds of questions. It just didn't seem like the time to get into it."

Emily remembered how many different ways she had imagined starting that conversation with her parents. She had always told herself it was different from Caroline's situation because her parents didn't try to interfere, so it was okay to continue operating on the assumption that they knew. She felt a sudden conviction that it wasn't enough. She couldn't continue to relate to her family on the superficial level of this evening's phone call. Whatever the outcome, her family would know the truth about her, and they would either begin having real communication or none at all.

These thoughts only took the space of a few seconds, but it was long enough for Ann to interpret Emily's silence as a reprimand. "I'm sorry," she said, pulling away and sitting up. "I guess I blew a perfect opportunity to tell him."

Emily sat up and put her arm around Ann. "It's never easy. And this is all so new. You'll know when the time is right."

Ann allowed herself to be pulled back down, this time with her head resting on Emily's shoulder. They caressed one another, their tenderness and love expressed in touches that felt as intimate as anything they had previously shared. They fell asleep in each other's arms, but that night, Emily experienced the return of one of her old familiar nightmares.

Chapter 29

Emily awoke feeling disoriented. She couldn't tell what time it was. Ann came in from the bathroom drying her hair.

"Good morning," she said as she came to sit on the edge of the bed. "You seemed like you had a restless night." Her eyes were clouded with concern.

Emily reached up to brush back a strand of damp hair. "Oh, just some bizarre dreams." She changed the subject. "What would you like to do today?"

Ann noticed Emily's not-so-subtle tactic, but decided not to pursue it. "I wondered if you'd like to go riding."

"Really? Where?" Emily asked. "You don't have any other horses here, do you?"

"No," Ann smiled at Emily's excitement. "We used to have others, but some neighbors of ours have several horses they use for lessons. They're very well-schooled and calm. I thought it would be a good way to re-introduce you to riding."

"That sounds like lots of fun," Emily said as she sat up and threw back the covers.

"Good, I'll call the Remicks and see if we can go over after breakfast. Why don't you shower and I'll see you downstairs." The last part was muffled as Ann was pulling her nightshirt off over her head as she spoke.

Emily changed directions abruptly, wrapping her arms around Ann before she could get the shirt over her head.

"Hey," Ann giggled as Emily bent to take one nipple in her mouth. Emily paused long enough to grin wickedly before moving to the other breast. Ann stood absolutely still as Emily's hands slid over her buttocks and thighs. She allowed Emily to back her up to the bed. As she lay back, Emily knelt beside the bed, her lips and tongue barely touching the soft skin inside Ann's thighs. Emily's mouth moved higher, and Ann was no longer capable of holding still.

Chapter 30

Emily was startled by Sato's greeting as she entered their shared office. "Hi, Sato, how was your Thanksgiving break?"

"It was very nice," Sato smiled. "I stay here, and my church have Thanksgiving feast," she said, forgetting to adjust to past tense. Emily gently corrected her, following the agreement they had all made to correct one another's grammatical errors.

Sato gathered some papers and left Emily alone once more in the office. She looked down at the empty paper in front of her and realized she must have been staring out the window for almost an hour. She glanced at her watch. She was supposed to be at Ann's apartment in an hour. She took a deep breath, remembering the tension of Sunday – was that just yesterday? She and Ann had been packing to leave after breakfast. At one point, Emily had turned to Ann, taking hold of her shoulders, and said, "This has been the most special Thanksgiving of my life. You are what I'm most thankful for."

Looking deeply into Emily's eyes, Ann had replied, "I know how you feel. Everything that has happened the past few days has felt like the answer to a prayer."

As they embraced, holding one another tightly, Michael had burst in through the bathroom door. In the awkward silence that followed, all three of their faces burned a deep red.

"Knocking might be a good idea," Ann had said, to Emily's surprise.

"Sorry," Michael mumbled, but his eyes shot darts at Emily. Turning his gaze toward his sister, he asked, "I wondered if you wanted to come to New York for a weekend to shop?"

"Thanks, but I've only got two weeks of classes left before exams, so I'd better not plan anything."

"All right, I'll see you downstairs," he said with one more harsh glance at Emily.

They hadn't discussed it on the drive back to Weston. Emily had figured that Ann would bring it up when she was ready. There had been no change in Owen or Katharine's demeanor, but Michael had managed to avoid addressing Emily at all as they left. Ann had asked Emily to come over for dinner and studying Monday evening. So now Emily sat in the gathering darkness of the office, wondering if she was attaching too much importance to Michael's opinion and his influence on Ann.

She shook her head to clear it of those thoughts and began gathering books and papers she would need tonight. As she stood, she groaned; her legs were still sore from the riding lesson Ann had given her. Walking towards Ann's apartment, she noticed that while they had been gone, Weston had been decorated for the holidays. All the downtown trees had Christmas lights in them, the streetlights were wrapped in garlands and Christmas carols floated in the cold air. Passing a small jewelry store, her eye was caught by a small box in the window. She went in and asked for a closer look. It was a pair of finely wrought interlinked gold stirrups suspended by a gold chain. It was a simple, elegant design which would suit Ann perfectly. She asked how much, and after some polite dickering, agreed on a price and put a deposit on the necklace. She had no idea where she would come up with the rest of the money, but was too happy at having found such a perfect gift to worry about it.

Chapter 31

"Mom, Dad, I'm in love with Emily."

Meg swung her head around to look at Ann who stood at her hindquarters with a brush suspended in mid-air. "What do you think?" she asked. Meg snorted and swung her hindquarters into Ann as if to tell her to keep her mind on business.

"Too direct, huh?" Ann kept speaking as she resumed grooming. "How do you start? It's not a topic that's likely to come up over dinner."

She switched to a comb and began working on Meg's tail. She continued to rehearse different approaches. She tried to imagine how Emily would say it and suddenly stopped. She had a very clear image of Emily saying, without shame or hesitation, "I'm gay."

All of Ann's rehearsing had been an attempt to describe the relationship, and she realized she wasn't trying to figure out how to tell her parents she was gay. 'Am I?' she asked herself. She sat down on her tack trunk. 'Or am I just in love with one special person who happens to be a woman?' She tried to imagine whether she would seek a relationship with another woman if Emily weren't in her life. She honestly didn't know.

"Maybe I need to figure that part out first," she said to Meg as she worked on her mane. She finished grooming Meg and saddled up. For an hour they practiced a variety of dressage movements. Meg enjoyed the change from jumping, and seemed to be showing off. Ann practiced making her cues more and more subtle so that to an observer, the horse and rider looked as if they were following a predetermined choreography.

After she had cooled Meg down and cleaned up, she went back to her apartment to shower and dress for class. She had a constant dialogue running inside her head. 'Are you afraid of being gay?'

'No, it doesn't bother me. It's just that I've never thought of myself that way.'

'Well, does it make you uncomfortable?'

'No, why should it?'

'How about being a lesbian? You've only used the word gay. Does lesbian bother you?'

Silence. Ann was uncomfortable at the thought of calling herself a lesbian, but she wasn't sure why. She had a hard time concentrating in economics. She found herself wondering how her relationships with others would change if she were to identify herself as a lesbian. Or would the change be all internal?

Fortunately, biology required all her concentration as they dissected fetal pigs. Although she found it fascinating, she also found she could not face any kind of meat at lunch time. She had a salad while she studied French in preparation for a quiz in Lise's class.

She and Emily had both been adamant that there be no outward sign of the change in their relationship. They had agreed that next semester Ann would continue to sign up for one of the other instructors' French classes. Ann regretted the latter part, for Emily really was a good teacher and she would have enjoyed taking one of her classes, but she recognized the wisdom of that decision.

When Ann arrived at Whitmore Hall, Emily was teaching. Ann positioned herself where she could watch her and listen without any of the students' seeing her.

When class was over, Emily took her time gathering her books. "That was not nice," Emily scolded as Ann came into the classroom.

"I know," Ann grinned. "But you look beautiful."

"Thanks," Emily sighed, wishing she could kiss Ann right then and there. "Mrs. Gundlach wants you to come over for dinner tonight. Six o'clock?"

"I'll be there," Ann smiled. "See you later."

Emily watched Ann's graceful walk as she turned to go to her desk. That evening she waited impatiently for Ann's arrival as she helped Mr. Gundlach and Greta get the animals in. In the dim light cast by the bare bulbs in the barn, they bedded the cattle and the mares down in their stalls and left them quietly munching their feed. They crunched back through the snow, and entered the kitchen to find Ann whipping potatoes as Mrs. Gundlach sliced a large ham.

Ann looked up and smiled. "It's about time you two got in here." As Ann stood there in faded jeans and an indigo sweater with the sleeves pushed up, Emily added the image to the mental photo album she kept. She had developed this pattern of holding onto her memories of Caroline when she had been left with no tangible reminders. She taught herself to conjure images and burn them into her memory so that they were as plain as photos.

Ann's voice brought her back to the present. "Why don't you set the table? Dinner is almost ready."

Emily snapped to, and by the time she had the table set, dinner was being served. Mr. Gundlach put some old Christmas albums on the record player and they ate accompanied by Perry Como and Bing Crosby. The Gundlachs talked excitedly about the plans for most of their children to come home for Christmas. There were a couple of new grandchildren since last Christmas, and Mrs. Gundlach made stockings for each out of old quilts and clothing. They asked what the girls' plans were for the holidays, and Emily felt a deep melancholy at having to say she was going home to Pennsylvania while Ann was going to her home. Their eyes met, and Ann saw the sadness in Emily's gaze. She quickly looked away, not wanting Emily to see the struggle taking place within her.

After dinner, Ann and Emily did the dishes quickly then sat down to study. Emily was writing a research paper for one of her classes and had several books spread about her. She had her hand on one of the books, marking a passage with her finger as she made a footnote, when she felt Ann's hand cover hers. She looked up and felt her heart tremor. Ann's beautiful eyes were smiling at her.

"I will always remember these evenings in this kitchen with you," she said, squeezing Emily's hand.

Chapter 32

Finals week was hectic for everyone on campus. Exams had to be graded and final grades calculated and turned in before five o'clock on Friday evening. Emily was grateful that she gave her exams on Monday and Tuesday. She spent hours grading them and then plugging the grades into the department computer. Her own doctoral classes were graded on the basis of papers she had already turned in. She had a meeting scheduled with her doctoral committee on Thursday to receive their critique of her work thus far. She had not seen Ann since Monday. She checked all the grades turned in by the teaching assistants and was gratified that Ann excelled, earning an A in Lise's course.

She waited nervously in the hall on Thursday to be called in to the conference room. She wondered how many hundreds of feet had paced anxiously on those worn tiles just as she was doing.

"Emily?" Dr. Brooks called her in. She entered to find the other four members of her doctoral committee assembled around an antique conference table. She took a seat and waited. They had all of her written work gathered before them. Two papers were in French, one in German and two others were in English.

"Emily," Dr. Brooks began, "we have all been impressed by the quality of your work and the insight you have brought to your topics." There were nods of agreement from the other members. "I have received a letter from a colleague in Switzerland. She is in charge of a school teaching languages to members of the diplomatic branches of various governments. They are in need of a native speaker of American English. We would like for you to consider applying for the position. You would not be teaching any other languages, but you'll certainly get to use them. If you accept, we will arrange for you to do some independent work towards your doctorate while in Europe. This recommendation is not one I make lightly. This position requires an innate sense of diplomacy and a high degree of integrity. If you decide not to do this, you may of course continue working on your doctorate as previously."

Emily considered quickly. "May I tell you right after Christmas, so I can discuss it with my family?"

"Of course," Dr. Brooks smiled. "Give me a call as soon as you can.  Please don't feel that this is a demand."

 Emily got her jacket and walked to the cold church in the park. She didn't climb to the belltower, but sat down in one of the pews to think. She had no idea what to expect from her family if she followed through on her intention to tell them about herself.  She had sensed a reluctance from Ann lately to discuss family. They still hadn't talked about the incident with Michael. She wondered if Ann would consider going with her. She felt an old familiar gnawing in her gut, but chided herself for being paranoid.

Chapter 33

The Friday of that week felt like a huge relief for instructors and students alike. Emily had declined an invitation to join the other teaching assistants in celebration of the end of the semester. She and Ann had made plans to go out for dinner.

She had decided to wear the red cashmere sweater that Ann liked. She was checking her reflection in the hall mirror for the tenth time when she heard the beep of the Toyota's horn. She pulled on her coat, making sure the box containing Ann's necklace was secure in the pocket.

Ann surprised her by leaning over for a kiss when she got in. "It feels so good to have exams over!" Ann exclaimed as she put the Toyota in gear. They drove to a restaurant neither of them had been to, but which had an excellent reputation.

When they got inside and checked their coats, Emily couldn't help staring at Ann, who was stunning in a dark green velvet tunic with matching pants that flowed gracefully as she walked. She had pulled her hair back and was wearing very simple pearl earrings with a matching necklace.

Ann smiled self-consciously. "Emily, walk," she said in a low voice. As they were taken to their table, Emily noticed several men looking at Ann.

They ordered wine, which was brought right away. The waiter smiled knowingly as he poured their wine. They touched their glasses together, murmuring, "Merry Christmas."

"You are too beautiful for words," Emily said, her admiration reflected in her smile.

"Thank you," Ann replied. "And thank you for wearing that sweater; it looks wonderful on you."

The waiter came to take their order, and also brought a bottle of the white zinfandel they were drinking. "Compliments of the gentlemen," he sniffed, indicating a table across the room.

Ann didn't bother to look. "No, thank you."

Emily smiled and looked up at the waiter. "Henry," she remembered he had introduced himself, "can you please see to it that we are not disturbed?"

"Absolutely." He leaned closer. "They look married anyhow, the scum."

They laughed as he turned and went to pass their reply on to the men.

"What was that about?" Ann asked.

"He's gay," Emily answered, "and he knows we are too."

"How?" Ann was puzzled, and a little troubled by Emily's words.

"Probably the way we were looking at one another."

"How do you know he is?"

Emily thought for a moment. "I'm not sure how to explain it; his eye contact was very direct, but completely asexual. I don't know. Sometimes you just know – it's gaydar."

"Gaydar?" Ann laughed.

"Yes," Emily grinned. "It's just a feeling you get from some people. It's probably similar to unspoken signals of interest that heterosexuals exchange, but with us it often just indicates recognition, not necessarily interest or attraction."

"You keep speaking in 'we' or 'us' terms, but the only thing you know about him, for example," indicating Henry, "is that he's gay. I don't understand that," Ann said, frowning a little.

Emily tilted her head to one side and looked closely at Ann. "It's true that if I got to know him, he might not be someone I really like, but that bond was enough for him to help us deal with what could have been an uncomfortable situation. I think members of any minority have a natural tendency to band together for protection, especially when they're faced with prejudice."

Ann sipped her wine, thinking about what Emily had said. Henry brought their meals, a stuffed Portobello mushroom for Ann, and chicken broiled in a lemon sauce served over pasta for Emily. Dinner proceeded with less serious conversation. Ann asked how Emily's meeting with her committee went. Emily considered whether to tell Ann about the possible job in Switzerland, but decided not to for now.

As they were finishing their meal, Ann asked, "Would you mind going back to my place for coffee and dessert?"

Emily replied, "You read my mind." She wanted desperately to be alone with Ann. She paid for dinner, not allowing Ann to argue, and tipped Henry generously.

When they arrived at Ann's apartment, Emily put Christmas CDs on the stereo to set the atmosphere, while Ann put coffee on. They turned on the lights on Ann's small Christmas tree and Emily turned out the floor lamp. In the soft light from the tiny bulbs they embraced, kissing and swaying gently to the strains of ancient yuletide music.

Several songs later, they released one another and went to get coffee. Ann served molasses cookies her mother had sent. They sat in silence in the living room, watching the tree and savoring the time alone together with no pressure to study. But for each of them, there was a hint of sadness at knowing they would soon be going separate ways. Neither wanted to talk about that.

"Ready for your present?" Emily asked suddenly, excited about giving it. Ann laughed at her childlike glee. Emily pulled the box from her coat and handed it to Ann. "Merry Christmas."

Ann slowly pulled open the raffia ribbon holding the Sunday comic wrapping paper. "Interesting wrapping," she smiled.

"Well, I didn't want to use the typical holly and snowmen," Emily defended her choice.

"Oh, Emily," Ann murmured as she opened a small woven horsehair purse inside the box. When she tipped the purse upside down, a small velvet box fell out. Inside the box the gold stirrup necklace twinkled in the light. "It's beautiful," she said as she held it up. "And so is this purse. Where did you find these?"

"I saw the necklace in the window of that little jewelry store in town, and the purse was in an antique shop nearby." She looked carefully into Ann's eyes. "Do you really like it?"

Ann laid her hand on Emily's cheek. "Yes. I really like it. Put it on me?" Emily fastened the clasp behind Ann's neck and undid the pearls.

"It looks beautiful on you," Emily murmured.

"Thank you," Ann whispered, leaning over to kiss Emily softly. "Your turn. Close your eyes," she commanded. Emily obeyed and heard a soft rustling. "Okay," Ann said.

Emily opened her eyes to see Ann standing before her holding a black wool blazer. When she reached out to touch it, the wool was incredibly soft. The tailoring was impeccable. "Ann," she swallowed, "this must have been very expensive."

"Does it matter? I saw it, and it seemed made for you. I had to get it." She shook the jacket. "Try it on."

Emily slipped into the blazer and it fit as if it were made for her. "I don't know what to say."

Ann stood and wrapped her arms around Emily's neck. "You don't have to say anything. Just kiss me."

They kissed gently and deeply at first, then with growing passion. Ann pushed the jacket from Emily's shoulders and tossed it to the sofa. Emily began unzipping Ann's tunic and Ann shivered involuntarily as Emily's fingertips brushed lightly over her skin, which was very pale contrasted with the dark velvet. They pulled a cotton throw from the sofa along with some pillows and lay down, making love by the light from the tree.

Chapter 34

The next morning, they ate breakfast in an uncomfortable silence. Finally, Emily broke it by asking, "When are you leaving?"

"Probably tomorrow." Ann looked up. "What about you?"

"I don't know," Emily said, sitting back in her chair. "I can't imagine spending two weeks with my family. I'll probably stay here a few more days, but the Gundach family will arrive soon, and they'll need my room."

"Emily," Ann said a little uncertainly, "why don't you come home with me for a few days?"

Emily shook her head. "Ann, I can't. We have no idea what Michael has said to your parents, and I don't want to be the cause of any conflict, especially right before Christmas." She watched Ann's face carefully. "We haven't discussed the incident with Michael at Thanksgiving." She waited, while Ann looked down at her hands.

Ann's eyes remained lowered. "I know. I think he was just shocked and embarrassed."

"He was also angry, Ann," Emily said quietly. "His eyes were shooting daggers at me afterward."

She cleared her throat. "I've decided that I am going to tell my family. I'm not going to continue relying on silence and ignorance to let things slide. One way or the other, they are going to hear the truth. So, you may or may not get to meet them, depending on their reaction."

"I've been trying to figure out how to tell Mom and Dad," Ann said with an expression that seemed… frightened, Emily decided.

Emily was suddenly flooded with the realization of what Ann must be dealing with. In the span of, she counted quickly, four months, Ann's life had been turned upside down. And on the basis of a four month old relationship, she was contemplating making an announcement to her family which could change things forever.

"Ann," Emily leaned forward and placed her hand over Ann's, "there's never an easy way to say something, which has so much potential to cause conflict. If the right time presents itself, you'll know."

"You're being very patient, but I know what it means to you to avoid lying and hiding from people." Ann's eyes filled with tears. "I'm just being a coward.

"Come on," she said, wiping her eyes. "Let's clean up here and go enjoy the rest of the day."

They spent most of the day finishing last minute Christmas shopping for their families. Emily wore the jacket Ann had given her, and she noticed Ann was wearing the necklace. They had a quiet dinner at Ann's apartment while they watched old movies, first 'The Bells of St. Mary's,' then 'An Affair to Remember.'

"I love those movies," Ann sniffed and wiped her eyes as the credits rolled.

"I know," Emily laughed as she wiped her eyes, too. "I never get tired of watching them. Caroline would groan when an old movie came on, and I would want to watch it for the fifth or sixth time." She smiled. "I probably drove her nuts."

Ann kissed Emily's hand. "I'm looking forward to being driven nuts by you."

"I hope you always feel that way."

Chapter 35

Ann was surprised to see Michael's car in the driveway when she arrived. She had Meg in the trailer and had to get her bedded down in her stall before she went in.

"Good night, girl," she said as she snapped off the light in the barn. The early twilight was already descending as she walked to the house with her suitcase and a large bag of gifts.

"Ann! Welcome home, honey," her mother said with a hug as she entered the warm kitchen.

"Hi, Mom," Ann said, giving her mother a strong squeeze. "Why is Michael here? Is he taking all week off?"

"No, he has to go back to New York in the morning. He just came in for the weekend. I think he wanted to see you."

"Really?" Ann's heart pounded a little harder. "I'm going to take my things upstairs."

"Dinner will be ready in half an hour," Katharine called out as Ann left the kitchen.

Upstairs, Ann had just unzipped her suitcase when Michael knocked and came in. "Hey, little sister," he teased. "How did finals go?"

"They were fine. As and Bs in everything," Ann replied guardedly. She pulled some jeans out of her bag as Michael sat down on the bed. "How long are you here?" she asked as she carried the jeans to the dresser.

Michael saw a small white envelope slip out of the suitcase and fall to the floor. He put his foot on it as Ann returned to take more clothes from the suitcase. "I've got to go back in the morning, but I'll be home again by the end of the week," he said casually.

Ann carried her personal items to the bathroom, saying, "Then why did you come home just for the weekend?"

Michael quickly picked up the envelope and tucked it in his back pocket. "Actually, I wanted to talk to you."

Ann reappeared from the bathroom. "What about?" Her heart was pounding harder.

He cleared his throat. "Ann, this…" he hesitated, embarrassed, "this thing with Emily has got to stop."

"What are you talking about?" she asked, not sure if he really understood how deep the 'thing' had become.

"You know what I'm talking about," he snapped, "this perverted infatuation you're caught up in."

Ann stared at him in disbelief. "Is that what you think it is?"

"What else could it be?" he asked angrily, standing and shoving his hands in his pockets.

"What if I told you it's the most profound love I've ever experienced?"

He snorted in disgust. "I'd say you must not have been with any real men." Ann's eyes turned to ice, and he knew he had gone too far. He quickly decided to take a different tack. "Annie," he said in a softer tone, "this is totally unlike you. Think what this would do to Mom and Dad. This would kill them."

"Why?" she demanded. "They've always encouraged us to follow our hearts."

"Ann," he said patronizingly, "this isn't the same as deciding to go to Africa. This... fling of yours could really hurt all of us, Dad's business, my career." He considered the impact of his next words. "They're not getting any younger, you know. They're waiting to see both of us settled in a real marriage, something they could be proud of, and someday giving them grandchildren."

As he turned to leave her to ponder his words, he added, "It's not like you to be so selfish."

When he got to his room, he took the envelope from his pocket. With a mild twinge of guilt, he opened it and took out the note.

Ann,

I hope you know how deeply I love you. When we were talking about telling your parents, I could see the uncertainty in your eyes. I'm sorry... I haven't meant to give you an ultimatum, but I realize that we may be in very different places on this issue. I've had years to deal with this, and I just can't go back to a life of lying and hiding. If you decide that you can tell them, please call me and let me know. If you can't, believe me I'll understand. If you decide not to tell them, I've been offered a job in Switzerland which I'll accept to give you space.

Whatever you decide, I will always love you,

 Emily.

"Maybe this will be easier than I thought," Michael said to himself.

Chapter 36

Emily drove through the snowy landscape in a haze. It was cold but sunny, and the roads were dry. She let her mind wander back to the day Ann had left. They had had breakfast and then while Ann was showering, Emily had written the note and tucked it under some clothes in Ann's suitcase.

As they were preparing to leave to hitch up the horse trailer and get Meg, Ann had taken Emily's hand and pressed something into her palm – a key.

"Please take it," she insisted. "I want you to have some place you know you're welcome."

"Thank you," Emily said gratefully, squeezing Ann's hand.

Emily reached over to the passenger seat where the blazer lay. The soft wool comforted her. Ann had been home for four days now and no phone call. Emily told herself that it made sense for Ann to wait to call her, and she might not tell her parents until after Christmas. But try as she might, she could not shake the fear and loneliness gnawing at her insides.

After a ten-hour drive and two stops for food and gas, she pulled into her parents' driveway. They had their cars in the garage, so she parked in front of one of the bays. She recognized her sister's car parked in the street.

"Hi, everyone," she called out as she entered the front door of the brick bungalow.

"Emily!" her sister greeted her with a hug.

"Merry Christmas, Elizabeth," she said warmly. Her little sister was very blonde with large dark brown eyes. Emily had always thought she was beautiful.

Her parents, Robert and Maureen, came out of the kitchen. Robert was tall and thin, with his gray hair cut into the crew cut he had had for as long as Emily could remember. Maureen was shorter than Emily, her dark hair peppered with gray, cut into a simple, shoulder-length style. "How was your trip?" her father asked, looking over the half glasses perched low on his nose.

"It was fine; the roads were clear."

"How long can you stay?" her mother asked.

Emily cringed internally as she answered, "I'm not sure... I have a lot of work to do for next semester." She changed the subject quickly, asking Elizabeth where her two children were.

"They're Christmas shopping with their father," she laughed. "He is probably going nuts."

They settled in the family room, and Elizabeth filled Emily in on how the kids were doing in school and sports. They were both in Christmas plays, and she elicited a promise from Emily that she would attend both. Emily asked her parents about their jobs and how the other relatives were. Without realizing it, over the years she had become extremely skilled at getting others to provide most of the conversation, thereby evading the necessity of speaking much herself.

"Where are Bobby and Denise?" Emily asked, referring to her brother and sister-in-law.

"They're coming over for dinner tomorrow," her mother replied. She told Emily the latest news on her brother's children and their accomplishments.

After a couple of hours, Elizabeth said good night and left. Emily realized how tired she was and retired soon after.  The room she and Elizabeth had shared no longer contained any of her belongings, having been converted to a guest room. Nevertheless, it felt familiar, but when she was lying in the dark, far from Ann, she suddenly felt small and alone.

"Oh, Ann, please call," she prayed.

Chapter 37

Ann took Meg out for a ride each day. There were numerous trails through the woods, which connected their property to the neighbors' land.  Meg enjoyed being back in familiar territory, twitching her ears at every sound and shying playfully at the rattle of bare branches in the wind.

Ann also spent a great deal of time curled up in front of the fireplace, reading. It felt so good to read for fun, with no pressure to read a textbook or study. She frequently found herself staring into the flames, realizing that she had been thinking about Emily. She had been preoccupied since Michael's departure. She wasn't sure if her parents had noticed. Echoes of her conversation with him kept running through her mind. She had been stunned by the vehemence of his reaction.

Prior to that confrontation, she had felt reasonably sure that her family would respect her choice when she worked up the courage to tell them. Now nothing seemed certain. She had actually been avoiding time alone with her mother, afraid that Katharine would ask questions she wasn't ready to answer. Michael was due back tomorrow, Friday. It would be just the four of them for Christmas. For the first time she could remember, she was wanting this holiday to be over. She wondered if this was how Emily felt, like she was putting on an act for everyone else's benefit. The effort was exhausting.

Chapter 38

Emily's visit home had been very busy, with dinners at her brother and sister's houses, Christmas plays and all the happy chaos of the holiday season. She waited for a time when she was alone with her parents, and there were no expected visits for the next couple of hours. She asked them to come into the kitchen where they all sat down with coffee. Her hands were trembling as she began. Her parents exchanged worried glances as she hesitated.

"For years, I've operated on the assumption that you know I'm gay." She looked at both of them, her father watching her over the rims of his glasses, her mother's dark eyes magnified slightly through hers. "Sometimes I was sure you knew, and other times, I honestly couldn't tell."

They waited, allowing her to continue. "Our conversation at Thanksgiving was so superficial, and it's been that way for years. I know it's largely my fault. You don't know what's safe to ask about and I avoid offering information that might be uncomfortable. I just don't want it to be like that anymore. I'm not sure how you feel about this; maybe future conversations won't be an issue. But one way or the other, it's going to be based on the truth."

"Why are you telling us this now?" her mother asked, looking distinctly uncomfortable. "You never felt the need to say anything before."

"By 'before', I assume you mean when Caroline was alive." Emily's hands clenched more tightly around her coffee cup. "No. I never said anything before, but I should have. There were too many secrets, too many lies. But after a very long time when no one," she looked at them and emphasized those last words, "bothered asking how I was doing after losing my partner of eight years, there is someone new in my life. I don't know for certain that we will be able to make a life together; she's home with her family now, facing this same conversation. But if she can do this, you will, in essence, have a new daughter-in-law, and this time things are going to be different."

"No matter how we feel about this?"

Emily sat a little straighter. "How do you feel?"

Her mother glanced over at Robert who still hadn't said anything. "I've always known you were… like that. I don't suppose there's anything that can be done about it." Emily forced herself to keep a neutral expression as she met her mother's gaze. "What you do in private is your business. I don't understand why we have to talk about it."

Emily almost laughed. "Mom, I'm not planning on discussing the details of our relationship. For crying out loud, this is no different than Elizabeth and John or Bobby and Denise. I'm asking you to treat Ann like you treat John and Denise – acknowledge her birthday, include her at Christmas."

"Are you planning on telling all the relatives? Your grandmother would never understand."

This time Emily did laugh out loud. "No, I'm not planning on waving banners or telephoning all the relatives or anything else." She turned her gaze to her father. "Dad, you haven't said anything."

"Well," he said in the measured tone he used when he was choosing his words carefully, "First, I want to apologize to you for not asking how you were after Caroline's death. We just weren't sure how to approach the whole matter, since it had never been openly discussed." Emily's eyes stung with tears. "Second, if I'm going to have a new daughter-in-law, I'd like to know a little about her."

Chapter 39

On Christmas Eve, the Hights had a quiet dinner at home then decorated the Christmas tree. When the tree was decked with all its trimmings, they brought their presents and placed them under the tree. Later they got dressed to go to church for the midnight service. Ann had always loved this celebration. The choir began with hushed songs of anticipation, the chapel illuminated only by candlelight. Near the altar was a creche, hidden in darkness at the beginning. As the ceremony progressed, more candles were lit around the creche, slowly bringing light to the scene. The music also began to build in intensity and volume. The service was timed to finish at midnight with a crescendo of music including trumpets, drums and cymbals. It was glorious.

Ann longed to have Emily beside her. She closed her eyes, sending her love to Emily, hoping she could feel it. Suddenly, her father's arm settled around her shoulders. Startled, Ann opened her eyes, but kept them lowered. She felt her father kiss the top of her head. She wanted to blurt everything out to her parents, but Michael's words kept ringing in her ears, "this would kill them." She had never done anything deliberately to hurt her parents. She had never lied to them; she had never been a rebellious adolescent. In return, they had always treated her and her decisions with respect. She couldn't bear the thought of hurting them now.

When they got home, Ann excused herself and went up to bed. Michael, Katharine and Owen all went to the kitchen for their traditional after-church snack of mince meat pie.

"Michael," Owen asked as he poured coffee, "do you have any idea what's wrong with Ann?"

"Why do you think something's wrong?" Michael responded with a question, not answering Owen directly.

"She's been very quiet," Katharine observed. "It's not like her to stay to herself so much."

"She's probably just tired from school," Michael said, running a hand through his thick, black hair.

 "Maybe," Katharine mused, "but I have a strong feeling something is really troubling her."

"Well, if there is, you should probably wait until she's ready to talk about it," Michael said, hoping to delay their confronting Ann until the problem was taken care of.

After Michael went upstairs, Owen asked, "Do you think he's right? Should we wait for Ann to come to us?"

Katharine frowned. "I don't know. This kind of silence is so unlike her." She looked at Owen. "Have you noticed that she hasn't once mentioned Emily, except when we asked how she was?"

He nodded. "Do you think they had an argument?"

Katharine shrugged. "That might explain her reluctance to talk to us." She took another sip of coffee. "I just have a bad feeling about this."

Chapter 40

It was December 30th, and Ann hadn't called. Emily packed to go back to Weston. She numbed herself and went into automatic pilot. She called Dr. Brooks at home and told him she would like to apply for the position in Switzerland. He was delighted, and promised to contact the diplomatic school immediately. She was to call him January 2nd.

Since the initial conversation with her parents, she had privately told her father the details of everything that had occurred with Caroline's family after her accident. She had also had conversations with her sister and brother. Elizabeth said she had always known, and was eager to learn more about Ann. Bobby just kind of nodded and changed the subject. As it had become more apparent that Ann might not call, Emily had told her family about the Zurich position.

"Are you sure this is the right thing to do?" her father asked her when she told him.

"We both know I was in the wrong for getting involved with a student, no matter the circumstances. If she has been unable to bring herself to tell her family, I feel like this position is perfect to give us both space." Emily wasn't sure if she was trying to convince him or herself.

When she was packed, she said her good-byes to her family. Her father held her tightly. "Please call if you need anything," he said. "Even if it's just to talk." She kissed him on the cheek and got into her car. Her mother gave her shoulder a pat through the open window. That was the most contact she had had with her mother since their conversation. As she backed out of the driveway, she paused to look at all of them standing there waving. She gave a quick wave and drove away.

She found it easier than she expected to fall back into her old mental state of strict emotional control, concentrating on the task at hand. As she drove, she thought about the things she needed to do in preparation for her departure.

When she got back to Weston, she drove to the Gundlach house and was relieved to see no unfamiliar cars there. When she went in, Mrs. Gundlach was cleaning, something she had neglected while her children were visiting.

"Hello, Emily!" she cried, dropping the vacuum and hugging Emily.

Emily couldn't help but smile at the greeting. She carried her bag upstairs, and began a list of what to send to her parents for storage. That evening, she told the Gundlachs of her decision. They were saddened to hear that she would be leaving them, but they were glad for her to have such an opportunity. She insisted upon paying them the next six months' rent. "If I get homesick, I need to know I have a place to come home to," she joked.

She spent New Year's Eve alone, wandering around Weston. There were various family-oriented events being held in several downtown locations. Being around all those happy people made her feel even more alone. She went to Ann's apartment. Turning on just the Christmas tree lights, she sat and remembered.

At length, she searched for a piece of paper and wrote:

 My dear Ann,

Since I haven't heard from you, I have to assume that you have made your decision, and I must respect that. It would be much too hard on both of us to constantly run into one another, so I am leaving Weston, at least for awhile.

But I hope you will believe me when I tell you that I leave here a very different person from the woman who came here in August, and you are mostly responsible for that. I love you more than I could tell you. I know you love me, too, but sometimes that's not enough.

Please know that I want you to be happy, whatever that means for you. 

 Emily

She left the note folded, with the apartment key inside, on Ann's bed.

Chapter 41

Ann didn't know when Emily had planned to return, but she desperately wanted to see her. Classes didn't resume until the second week of January, so she tried to figure out how she could explain needing to return to Weston on New Year's Day. She had suffered through a New Year's Eve in Boston at a party hosted by a colleague of her father's. It had been such a long time since she had had to put up with the unwanted attention of men who tried in vain to impress her. At midnight, she made sure she was alone in the restroom.

As she restlessly tried to read at their Boston townhouse the next day, she began trying to come up with excuses to go back early. Michael had finally gone back to New York. Ann had never been so irritated by him. She had felt him hovering, trying to make sure no opportunity arose for any in-depth conversation with their parents, just in case she changed her mind. The night before he left, she had finally had enough. She had barged into his room and told him to mind his own business. She wasn't sure what she was going to do, but whatever it was, it would be her decision, and she would have to face the consequences. He wore an expression she couldn't decipher. His only reply had been, "Just take a few more days to think it over." She wasn't sure what difference a few days would make, but decided he just wanted her to be absolutely certain before she opened a door which couldn't ever be closed again. She tried again to read the French novel she had brought home. Somehow it made her feel closer to Emily. She planned to discuss it with her when she saw her. She made up her mind to stay a few more days, then go back to Weston.

Her father returned to work on the 2nd, after having taken the entire week off from Christmas to New Year. Ann and Katharine spent the day shopping. Loaded with bags of clothes and half-priced holiday items, they picked him up at the office. When they got home to the farm, they all went to the kitchen to fix a dinner of pasta, garlic bread and salad. "It's a good thing we're all eating this," Owen observed wryly, "or I don't know if we could stand being in the same room."

Katharine smiled, and noticed that Ann wasn't listening. She and Owen exchanged a questioning look. He nodded.

"Ann," Katharine began as Ann started at the sound of her name, "honey, we don't mean to pry, but we've both noticed that you've seemed… I don't know, upset and rather quiet. Are you all right?"

Ann looked at both of them, their faces concerned. 'They love me enough to ask,' she thought. She turned to the window, trying for several seconds to find a way to start.

"What is it, Annie?" Owen asked, placing his hand on her shoulder.

"I just don't know how to say this," Ann said softly. "I've been trying for weeks to figure out how to tell you…" She forced herself to meet their eyes. "I'm in love with Emily."

Before they could say anything, she rambled on, pacing back and forth in the kitchen, "I know this is probably difficult for you, and you may be disappointed in me. I'm sorry if this hurts you, but I've never felt this way about anyone. I had honestly thought I would never meet anyone I could love this much. It surprised me more than anyone. Michael told me I shouldn't tell you, that it could hurt the business and that it would hurt both of you, but I can't lie to you…" She finally paused. When she turned to look at them, Katharine's eyes were moist, and Owen was smiling tenderly.

"Ann," Katharine said, "you have such a good heart. How could we be disappointed in you?"

"We've watched your relationship with Emily," Owen said. "She seems like a good person who truly loves you, Ann. That's all we could ask for you."

She blinked, trying to comprehend what they were saying. "You knew?" she asked unbelievingly.

"How could we miss it?" Katharine teased. "You absolutely glowed when Emily was with you."

Ann blushed, and Owen and Katharine laughed. "We love you unconditionally, Ann. Never doubt that," Owen reassured her.

In a rush of relief, Ann exclaimed, "I love you both so much!" and hugged each of them in turn.

"So," Katharine said as they sat to eat, "tell us more. Has Emily told her family?"

Ann frowned. "I'm not sure. She intended to, but we haven't spoken since I came home."

"Tell us more about her."

Ann started at the beginning, recounting Emily's history with Caroline, and the tragedy of that relationship's end. She told them about how guarded Emily had been, and how the visit from Joseph Gundlach had triggered a very bad period for her, forcing her to face all the grief she had kept buried.

"As she began to let go of all of that control, she softened," Ann said unselfconsciously. "She opened up and touched my heart with a depth of tenderness and honesty I've never known before. I can't help but love her."

Katharine and Owen smiled, looking at Ann's radiant expression. A thought occurred to Owen and his smile faded as he took on a more serious tone.

"Ann," he began, "we are happy for you, but you do realize not everyone is going to feel that way."

She nodded. "I know."

"How are you going to handle that?"

"I won't know for sure until it happens," she replied honestly. "So far, Michael's is the only negative reaction I've experienced."

"How did Michael know?" Katharine asked. "Did you tell him?"

Ann shook her head. "He caught us in an embrace and asked me about it when we were alone." She changed the subject. "So you'll understand if I go back tomorrow?"

They laughed and Katharine said, "Of course we'll understand. You'll have a lot to talk about."

Chapter 42

Emily looked out the small window of the plane as New York's chaos passed underneath like a miniature toy city. She took a deep breath. The speed at which events had transpired the past few days made her dizzy.

Madame Suzanne Choubert had not waited for the New Year holiday to pass. She had contacted Emily directly over the phone on New Year's Day. Apparently Emily made a good impression during the impromptu interview, because Madame Choubert confirmed her appointment then and there. Since Emily's passport was still valid, Madame Choubert used her diplomatic connections to get a visa by the next morning. She arranged for a driver to pick Emily up that afternoon and by eight o'clock the following morning, she was taking off from La Guardia.

She sat back and closed her eyes. She had been so tempted to call Ann, to hear her voice one last time before leaving. But she had refrained, telling herself it would probably make things awkward for Ann with her family. 'It's better this way,' she told herself, 'quick and painless.' She thought for a moment. 'Yeah, right.'

Chapter 43

Ann had to force herself to take care of Meg first. She unloaded her at the boarding stable, and bedded her down. Unhitching the trailer, she quickly drove back to town. Seeing Emily's car parked at the Gundlachs', she pulled up behind it and ran to the front door. When Mr. Gundlach answered, she breathlessly asked for Emily.

Perplexed, he didn't reply for a moment. He invited her in and said gently, "I'm afraid you've missed her, Miss Ann. She left yesterday."

It was Ann's turn to be perplexed. "I don't understand. Left where?"

He explained about the driver coming to pick her up, assuming that Ann knew of the job in Switzerland. "She said she would write to let us know how long she'll be there."

Dazed, Ann thanked him and left. She drove to her apartment in shock, not quite comprehending what was happening.

When she entered the apartment, she looked around, just in case Emily was there, just in case this was some strange joke or dream. Seeing no sign of her, she sank into the couch, still wearing her jacket. She wasn't sure how long she sat there, but she became aware of the gathering darkness in the apartment. She went out to get her suitcase, and brought it into the bedroom. When she turned the light on, her eyes lit on the folded paper propped on the pillow. She stood there for several minutes, just looking at it.

When she picked it up, the key slid out and landed with a soft plop on the comforter. She held it, and looked at it as if she couldn't quite grasp what it was doing there. At length, she opened the note and read it. She had to start over several times, trying to make sense out of the first paragraph. 'Since I haven't heard from you, I have to assume that you have made your decision, and I must respect that.'

In her dazed state of mind, she tried to comprehend the words, tried to remember. What decision? She couldn't recall any plans for her to call. Was this some sort of test, a pop quiz to see if she knew how to play this game? She finally read through the entire note and left it on the bed. She didn't know what to do. She looked blankly around the apartment. She felt like she needed to move. She went for a walk, not to any particular destination, just walking, hoping the cold air would blow away the fog and allow her to make sense of all this. She walked for over an hour, until her chin and cheeks were numb.

She still could not understand why Emily had left. It was beginning to sink in that she was gone, but she couldn't figure out what had happened. She stopped suddenly. Could something have happened with Emily's family? With a renewed sense of hope, she hurried back to her apartment. She had Emily's parents' phone number there. Maybe they could give her some answers.

When she got back, she reread the note and realized that there was no indication of any conflict with Emily's family. The entire note sounded as if Emily thought Ann wanted to break things off. As she sat there reading it over and over again, angry tears began to flow. She crumpled the note and hurled it. The small wad of paper landed softly at the base of the Christmas tree. She fought the urge to throw something heavier, more satisfying in its impact. Not knowing what else to do, she went to bed. She didn't expect to sleep, but almost immediately she fell into an exhausted slumber, her mind's way of shutting down for awhile.

When she woke the next morning, it took a few minutes for the recollection to sink in. When it did, she pushed the thought from her mind. She forced herself to get up, shower, eat breakfast. Normal things. As she sat with her second cup of coffee, she considered her options. Classes wouldn't resume for a week and a half. There was certainly time to go home. The thought of facing her parents with this news grated on her. She felt like a fool, having gushed to them about loving Emily, only to return to a 'Dear Ann' letter.

"What an idiot you are," she chastised herself. She laughed mirthlessly at the thought that she, always the breaker of others' hearts, was on the receiving end. She knew she would have to tell her parents at some point, but she wasn't ready to do that yet. She decided to stay. She could fill her time with long rides on Meg, working out and reading.

There was no sense sitting around and crying over a situation she had no control over. With a stern internal discipline she focused her energy and her thoughts, refusing to let Emily in.

Chapter 44

Emily entered the terminal at Kloten airport outside Zurich and was immediately greeted by Suzanne Choubert, an imposing woman in her early fifties. She extended a firm handshake to Emily. "How was your flight?" she asked in excellent English, already propelling Emily towards a waiting limousine.

 "Uh, it was fine," Emily said, "my bags…" pointing to the baggage claim area.

"Give your claim ticket to Gustov," Madame Choubert instructed, indicating the extra occupant of the limo's front seat. "He will collect your bags and take them to your flat."

Emily realized that Madame Choubert wasn't being rude; she was simply accustomed to making decisions and having them carried out. Her clothing, hair and makeup were subtle, conservative, but everything about her exuded an aura of authority.

"We will tour L'Ecole first," she said. "It is located on the West Bank of the LimmatRiver, where most of the banking and business takes place," she explained. "Although our main function is the language training of people in the diplomatic branches of various governments, we have many clients who are involved in international business."

They passed beautiful old buildings, some with very ornate architecture. Emily was surprised at how clean everything was.

"Your flat is one of several in a separate building," Madame Choubert continued. "It is small compared to apartments in the U.S.," she said looking over at Emily, appraising her, "but it is clean and comfortable."

Emily smiled. She knew how accustomed Americans were to living spaces that would be considered enormous by most Europeans. "I'm sure it will be satisfactory," she said.

The school was housed in an immense eighteenth century building, which had been updated to serve this unique purpose. In addition to larger classrooms, there were several private offices, each equipped with a computer, fax machine and secure telephone line. The set-up was quite impressive.

"For the most part, your role will involve teaching the subtleties of American English, trying to enhance the fluency of your students," Madame Choubert explained as they toured the building. "But you may be called upon to assist with preparing and translating some sensitive material."

She opened the door to one of the private offices and gestured to Emily to enter. After closing the door, she invited Emily to sit.

"Your absolute trustworthiness and confidentiality will be required," she continued. "My background check of you indicated only one potential problem."

At the surprised look on Emily's face, she said, "Of course I did a background check. Dr. Brooks' recommendation was glowing, but hardly sufficient to entrust you with politically sensitive material."

"I understand," Emily acknowledged. "So what's the problem?"

"Your homosexuality," Madame Choubert stated bluntly.

So unprepared was Emily for this that her first response was to laugh aloud. "Why is that a problem?"

"Do not misunderstand. I am not concerned about the fact of it; I am not American, remember. I am only concerned if it is a secret which could be used to manipulate or blackmail you."

"Madame," Emily's tone became serious. "I appreciate your forthrightness and honesty. Let me assure you, my being a lesbian is not a secret. My family and friends know. It is not an issue which can be used against me."

"Good." Madame Choubert ended the subject as decisively as she had begun. They continued their tour after which she walked Emily to a building two blocks away. From the marble-tiled entry, they took an old cage-type elevator up to the third floor where Madame Choubert opened the door to Emily's flat. As promised, it was small, with a sitting room, a tiny kitchen and a bedroom with a small bath. Emily's bags were sitting neatly next to the bed.

"I'm sure you would like to rest now," Madame Choubert said, handing Emily the key. "I will see you tomorrow morning at ten."

"Merci, Madame," Emily said. Left alone, she looked out at the unfamiliar roofline of Zurich. She closed her eyes and conjured an image of Ann's face. "I miss you so much," she whispered.

Chapter 45

Ann threw herself into her classes with great fervor. She was grateful for the structure provided by reading assignments and studying. She had Lise for French again this semester and quickly found she was going to demand even more from her students this semester as they delved into French literature. Most of her other classes were second semester continuations of her fall classes and were also more demanding as the instructors built upon material from the previous coursework. In her chemistry class, she had a new lab partner, a tomboyish redhead named Maggie O'Brien, who didn't seem to have much of an aptitude for chemistry. By their second week of classes, Ann figured she had saved the class at least twice from explosions or spills caused by Maggie.

Outside of classes, she maintained a disciplined schedule of riding Meg early before classes, and then working out at the student athletic complex in the evenings. Combined with her studies, this level of activity ensured that she was tired enough to sleep most nights. There were nights, however, that found her sleepless and achingly lonely. At those moments, her self-control dissolved with her tears. She had played her last days with Emily over and over in her mind, searching for any clue that might indicate why she had left. She could find no answers, and that unknown was the hardest part of all.

She had avoided conversation with her parents, letting her answering machine take messages and calling at times when she knew she would get their machine. She realized she couldn't keep this up much longer. She had to tell them soon, but somehow, irrationally, it seemed that if she could just avoid telling them Emily was gone, then it would not be so concrete, so final.

"Hi."

Ann was startled by a voice next to her as she jogged on the indoor track one evening. It was Maggie, jogging alongside. "Hi," she returned.

"That lab today was really complicated," Maggie complained, keeping pace with Ann.

Ann glanced sideways at Maggie. "Not really. You just had to stir the ingredients before you heated the mixture, not after."

"Oh." Nothing for a few steps. "Um, I was wondering if, uh, if you would mind helping me study for our first exam?"

Ann groaned internally. She really wasn't in the mood to be sociable or to carry on conversations with anyone these days. "I don't know… I've got a pretty full schedule," she hemmed.

"I'm sorry," Maggie stammered. "It just seems so easy for you…"

"I could probably spare an hour to go over some things with you," Ann relented.

Maggie's face lit up with a smile. "Thank you. Tell you what, I'll repay you with food. My roommate is Italian, and she's a wonderful cook. Could you come to our apartment tomorrow evening at six?"

Ann smiled in spite of herself. "Tomorrow at six."

The next evening, Ann drove slowly down Chestnut Street, looking at the house numbers. Seeing 348, she pulled over and parked. The house was a large brick affair with a separate outside staircase hanging rather precariously on one side, leading up to Maggie's third floor apartment. She passed a grill smoking in a bare spot on the brick patio that had been cleared of snow. Tucking the bottle of wine she had brought under one arm with her book bag slung over her shoulder, Ann clung to the handrail as she climbed the rickety stairs. Before she had a chance to knock, the door was opened.

"You found it!" Maggie greeted her with a smile.

"Yes, but I'm not sure I would have braved it if I had known I would be taking my life in my hands," Ann said ruefully, looking back down the stairs.

Maggie laughed. "It hasn't fallen in yet."

"Oh that's reassuring." Ann remembered the wine. "Here, I wasn't sure what was on the menu. It's white zinfandel."

"Uh, I usually drink beer."

"She wouldn't know a white zinfandel from a white Russian," said a voice from the far end of the kitchen.

Ann stepped forward and looked toward the voice. "Hi," she said to the small woman at the stove, her long, dark hair pulled back into a loose ponytail.

"Come in, Ann. I'm Cris." Ann shook the proffered hand. "The corkscrew is in the drawer by the sink and a glass of white zin sounds great," Cris instructed, busy making a salad and stirring a large steaming pot.

Ann found the corkscrew and poured two glasses of wine while Maggie squeezed a slice of lime through the mouth of a fresh bottle of Corona.

"Can I help with anything?" Ann asked.

"No. Just have a seat and keep me company," Cris said. "Maggie, when was the last time you checked the chicken?"

"Oh my gosh!" Maggie exclaimed, jumping up and running down the stairs to the grill burning on the brick patio below.

Cris shook her head. "That's why I do the cooking."

Ann looked toward the door Maggie had just run through, one eyebrow raised. "That's kind of what she's like in chemistry," she observed dryly.

 "You have no idea how brave you are to be her lab partner," Cris laughed. "I think her last partner's eyebrows are just beginning to grow back."

Ann smiled. She found herself liking Cris despite her continued irritation at allowing herself to get roped into this study session.

"It's okay," Maggie gasped, coming back into the kitchen out of breath. "They're almost done."

"At least let me set the table," Ann insisted.

Cris agreed, and directed her to the appropriate cupboards and drawers. Soon they were seated, enjoying a meal of grilled marinated chicken, pasta salad and sweet peas.

"Oh, that was good," Ann said contentedly, as she pushed her plate away.

 "Let's put the dishes in the sink and I'll make dessert while you two study," Cris said. "Maggie, would you get the blender please?"

Ann frowned in puzzlement as Maggie took first the motor, then the pitcher of the blender out of the refrigerator. Cris caught this also, and put her hand over her eyes, shaking her head.

"What?" Maggie asked, not seeing what was wrong.

Cris looked at Ann and explained, "I asked her to chill the blender."

Ann started giggling, and Maggie still didn't understand what she had done that was so funny.

"You don't have to chill the motor," Ann was finally able to explain, wiping tears of laughter off her cheeks.

"Well, how was I supposed to know?" Maggie pouted.

"Oh, sweetie," Cris consoled her with a kiss and a quick hug. "You're one of a kind." Ann quickly looked away.

"Just make the dessert," Maggie grumbled, but with a grin twitching one corner of her mouth. "Come on in the living room, and we'll get this chemistry out of the way."

Ann got her books, and went through their class notes with Maggie, trying to help her understand the chemistry equations.

"You mean it's just math?" Maggie asked indignantly when she finally grasped the concept.

"Yes," Ann said emphatically as she collapsed her head on her forearms on the coffee table.

"This sounds like a good time for dessert," Cris announced, bringing three plates loaded with pieces of chocolate mousse, topped with whipped cream. "Maggie, would you get the coffee, please?"

 "This is incredible," Ann mumbled, with her mouth full of her first bite.

"Thanks," Cris grinned, pleased with the compliment.

"Are you a student, Cris?" Ann asked as she set her empty plate down and sat back with her coffee cup nestled in her hands.

Cris nodded. "I'm working on my Master's in English and teaching some of the undergrad courses."

"How long have you two known each other?" Ann asked casually.

Maggie and Cris looked at each other and clasped hands. "We met last year when I took one of Cris's English composition classes, but we've been together for about four months," Maggie answered.

Cris noticed Ann's expression and asked, "Are you okay with this, Ann?"

She hastened to reassure them. "Yes. Absolutely."

"Ann, I didn't make any assumptions about you when I asked you to help me study and come to dinner tonight," Maggie said. "I just thought you seemed nice, and…"

"Back on the subject of you," Cris said, looking at Ann. "Are you with anyone, dating anyone? Male or female?"

Ann realized she had never answered a question quite like this before. What was her status? Well, the answer was the same for both men and women at the moment. "No, I'm not," was all she said.

"You're kidding," Maggie said. Cris gave her a jab with an elbow.

"Ann, do you want to tell us about it?" Cris asked quietly. Maggie looked back and forth between Ann and Cris. She knew she had missed something, but she had learned to trust Cris's perceptions of people.

"I… I'm not sure what to say or how to start," Ann said, staring at her coffee cup, blinking back tears. "Last fall, I got to know one of the language instructors – you can't tell anyone about this," she pleaded, suddenly remembering how much trouble this could cause for Emily.

Maggie and Cris both nodded their agreement to keep Ann's secret. Ann found herself pouring out the entire story. She had to stop her narrative a few times when she got too choked up to talk. No one said anything for a while when she had finished. Ann realized how much she had dumped on people she barely knew.

"I'm sorry," she stammered, "you didn't need to hear all that."

"But you needed to let it out," Cris said wisely. Her dark eyes searched Ann's face empathetically. "You're still in love with her, aren't you, even after she took off with no explanation?"

"I'm trying not to be." Ann smiled weakly.

"And this was the first time you've been involved with a woman?" Cris asked.

Ann nodded.

"What now?"

"What do you mean?"

"Could you be open to another relationship with a woman, or was this a one-time thing?"

Ann stood suddenly and began pacing. "I don't know." She ran her hand through her hair. "Maggie, you said you hadn't made any assumptions about me when you asked me over, but… something about me must be different. I hope I don't offend you when I say this, but I don't think you would have done that a year ago. This is one of the things I've been struggling with ever since I fell in love with Emily. I don't know if I'm gay; I don't know what the hell I am. In my previous relationships, I always knew something was missing, something I couldn't quite put my finger on, something just beyond my reach. I never knew what it was, but I knew I wanted more. Being with Emily fulfilled that yearning. But I don't know if I could feel that way with anyone else."

"Looking through windows," Cris said.

"I'm sorry?"

"It's from an Emily Dickinson poem:

'I had been hungry all the years;

My noon had come to dine;

I, trembling, drew the table near,

And touched the curious wine.

'Twas this on tables I had seen,

When turning, hungry, lone,

I looked in windows, for the wealth

I could not hope to own.'

The poem goes on to say, after she's experienced what she was hungry for,

'Nor was I hungry; so I found

That hunger was a way

Of persons outside windows,

The entering takes away.'

Ann thought about this for a while. "A few weeks ago, I would have told you that I was no longer hungry, that the yearning had been satisfied. Now, I don't know anything."

Chapter 46

"Ann!" Through the scarf wrapped around her head to ward off the bitter February cold, Ann didn't hear at first. "Ann!"

She turned to see Mrs. Gundlach waving at her from her car along the curb. "Ann, how are you?" the kindly woman asked as Ann came over to the open window.

Ann smiled. "I'm fine. How are you and Mr. Gundlach?"

"Ach," she clucked, "we are lonely since Emily is gone. We got used to having young people in the house again. We miss you, too." Her face lit up. "Why don't you come to dinner tonight? Please come," she asked before Ann could think up an excuse.

By the time they parted, Ann had agreed to be there by five-thirty. As she continued walking home, Ann chastised herself for not being able to avoid the invitation. She genuinely liked the Gundlachs, but she wasn't sure she could handle being in that house with all its memories. Nevertheless, at half past five, she was ringing the bell. Mr. Gundlach welcomed her with a hug and took her coat as Greta nearly tripped her trying to wriggle in to say hello. They went into the warm kitchen where Mrs. Gundlach was just taking a baking sheet of dinner rolls out of the oven.

"It smells wonderful!" Ann exclaimed as she helped put bowls and platters on the table. As they ate, she steered the conversation toward safe topics – school, the Gundlachs' children and grandchildren, but inevitably, Emily came up.

"Have you received any word from her?" Mrs. Gundlach asked.

"No, not yet," Ann hoped she sounded nonchalant. "Have you?"

"Only a postcard," Mr. Gundlach said, getting up to get it.

The photo was a majestic view of the Swiss Alps. Emily's small, neat writing told of an uneventful flight, beautiful scenery and nice people. Ann's heart felt an ache that was becoming all too familiar.

"She must be writing you a long letter," Mrs. Gundlach said kindly. Ann's eyes started to sting with tears, and she got up to clear the table. Mrs. Gundlach cut large pieces of apple pie for each of them. The conversation moved on, and Ann was able to regain her composure.

Ann took her leave as soon as she could without being rude. She thanked the Gundlachs and promised to return soon. Before she got to her vehicle, her face was wet with tears she could no longer hold in check.

Chapter 47

"Zurich is beautiful, and the surrounding countryside is unbelievable. Snow covers everything in an immaculate coat of white now, but spring will come soon, and I intend to do a lot of hiking." Emily sat back and looked out the window. A fresh snow was falling. It was mid-February, and she was getting restless for spring. She turned back to her letter to Laura. "If you have vacation time coming, think about a trip to Europe. It would be great to see you."

She dropped the letter in the post on her way to L'Ecole. It was Saturday, but she had a session scheduled with a Danish consul. One thing she had quickly learned was there was no such thing as a set schedule. She and the other instructors were often asked to meet clients at odd hours, and they tried to accommodate those requests whenever possible.

Madame Choubert seemed to be pleased with Emily's performance thus far. Emily knew that several clients had written favorable letters regarding her assistance, but the only official acknowledgment had been an approving nod and smile from Madame.

Following her session with the consul, she hurried back to her flat where she packed a backpack with food and water. She changed into layered tights and shirts, pulling on windproof pants and a jacket over top. She noticed her left knee was still swollen and sore. She rubbed it, wondering how long it would take this sprain to get better. She strapped snowshoes to her backpack, and took a bus south along the lake road to a small town where she got off and donned her snowshoes at the head of a trail, which disappeared into the woods. The Swiss enjoyed skiing and snowboarding, but could not seem to understand why anyone would want to use anything as clumsy as snowshoes.

As she jogged along the path, the pines closed around her, shutting out all sound except her breathing and the soft whoosh and plop of her snowshoes. She had found these excursions to be lifesaving, getting her out of the city to a place where phones and faxes couldn't find her. After about forty-five minutes, she came to a small overlook where the trees parted to offer a view of the lake below. She paused to drink and eat a little. As she had done countless times since coming to Zurich, she imagined how much Ann would enjoy this scene. She couldn't seem to shut Ann out of her thoughts as she had done with Caroline, but she found she didn't really want to. As she put her thermos back into her backpack, she unconsciously rubbed her knee. With her pack secure, she continued on the trail, which would loop back down toward the lake road where she could catch a bus back to Zurich.

Once back in her flat, she took a hot shower and then got out an anthology she had recently found of northern European literature, focusing more on Germanic cultures. She had arranged a couple of doctoral projects with Dr. Brooks and her committee. Madame Choubert had not given her a firm answer when asked how long this position would last. Emily had mentally committed to at least a semester, but soon she would need to make more definitive plans. At some point, she would have to talk to Ann and decide whether to return to Weston.

Chapter 48

It was mid-March, spring break, but instead of going to Florida or Mexico like most of her classmates, Ann was driving home for the first time since Christmas. She had finally told her mother a few weeks ago about Emily's unexplained departure.

"So what are you doing about this?" Katharine had asked.

"I'm trying to stay busy, concentrate on classes –"

"No, Ann," Katharine cut in, "what are you doing to resolve this situation?"

"I don't understand. What can I do?" Ann replied defensively. "She's the one who left with no explanation."

"Exactly. You deserve at least an explanation. We don't know Emily well, but this seems very out of character for her.  If you don't figure out why this happened, what signals you missed, you are going to have difficulty trusting your feelings and perceptions with the next person in your life. You need some resolution to this."

So Ann had called the Gundlachs to get Emily's address, fibbing and telling them she had mis-placed it. She had written a long letter expressing her confusion, asking for reasons and, after tossing out the first several attempts at this letter, telling her how much she still loved her. She had no idea if it would have had time to get to Switzerland yet, but she hadn't had any response.

 She was grateful when both her parents greeted her with a warm welcome, but no questions. Owen and Katharine both noticed how thin Ann's face looked, but didn't say anything. They had a quiet dinner and evening of television, with only casual conversation.

The next day was Saturday, so all three of them had a leisurely breakfast, reading the paper over coffee.

"By the way," Katharine remembered, "Michael is coming home today."

"Oh?" Ann looked up from the paper. "Does he know, you know… about Emily?"

"We haven't told him," her mother replied.

"Thanks," she said gratefully. She dreaded hearing him gloat about his having been right about Emily.

After breakfast, she got dressed for a walk. March was trying to make way for spring. It hadn't snowed recently and temperatures in the upper thirties had let much of the existing snow melt, leaving the ground sodden. She could smell damp earth and snowmelt mingling in the air. She went to her pine sanctuary where the ground was dry enough to sit on the thick mat of pine needles. As she sat, she listened to the whisper of the boughs shifting in the breeze. She recalled the last time she had been there, with Emily.

Lost in her thoughts, she wasn't sure how long she had been sitting there when she heard the throaty exhaust of Michael's BMW coming up the drive. She stayed where she was, trying to decide what to tell him. She had always been able to tell him anything. This distance between them felt foreign.

At last, she got up and decided not to delay any longer. She still didn't know what she would say, but she might as well get it over with. When she entered the back door into the kitchen, Michael was there with Owen and Katharine.

"God, Ann," Michael exclaimed when he saw her, "you look awful!"

Startled, she just stood there. No one else had said anything about her appearance. "It's good to see you, too," she said sarcastically.

"I'm sorry," he apologized, giving her a hug.

They sat down for a lunch of soup and sandwiches, but Michael kept looking at Ann out of the corner of his eye. Finally, in exasperation, she stopped her spoon in mid-delivery. "What is it?" she demanded.

Michael looked down. "I… I guess this has been pretty rough on you, I mean, Emily leaving."

Ann looked at her parents in surprise, but they shook their heads, indicating they hadn't said anything. Ann frowned, baffled. "How did you know Emily had left?"

Michael stopped chewing and stared at his plate with a blank face. After a moment, he sat back and cleared his throat. "I, uh, I know you may not believe this, but I honestly thought I was doing the right thing," he said quietly.

"What are you talking about?" Ann asked with growing frustration.

He hesitated, then pulled his wallet out and removed a folded piece of paper from one of the pockets. "This dropped out of your suitcase when you came home at Christmas," he explained, handing it to her.

Ann read the note a few times, her face going white and then becoming an angry red. She passed the note to Owen. "Michael," she said, her voice shaking with her effort to control her emotions, "I know you think my feelings for Emily are 'a perverted infatuation' as you put it, but you had no right to interfere in this. How could you?"

At the anguished look on his sister's face, Michael had to avert his eyes. "I thought I had every right to protect the family and the business from the scandal this would cause," he insisted stubbornly. "Mom, Dad, you know how people would react to this kind of thing." He prayed they would support him. His prayers were unanswered.

"Michael," Owen began sternly, "how did we raise such a bigot? You had absolutely no right to interfere in your sister's life."

Katharine seemed saddened rather than angry. "Your sister's happiness should have counted more than your fear of what people might say."

Michael squirmed under this criticism. "Well, it's only been a couple of months," he challenged.  "If this relationship is as deep as you say, call her."

Ann closed her eyes in despair. "You have no idea what she's been through, what it took for her to open up to me. She was afraid you would react in such a way that I wouldn't be able to deal with your rejection. And as far as she knows, that's exactly what happened."

There was silence for a long moment. Katharine finally reached out and laid her hand on Ann's arm. "Ann, if you still love her, you've got to try."

Ann brushed tears from her cheeks and nodded. "You're right," she agreed. "I've got to try, and hope it's not too late." She thought for a minute. "I don't have her telephone number, and I didn't bring her address with me."

To their surprise, she got up right then and went into Owen's study, closing the door behind her. She called directory assistance and got the Warners' number. Without giving herself time to talk herself out of it, she dialed the number. A woman's voice answered the phone.

"Mrs. Warner?" she began, her voice quaking. "My name is Ann Hight. I'm a friend of Emily's from Weston. I was wondering if you could tell me how to get in touch with her?"

There was no answer for a few seconds, and Ann's heart was pounding so loudly she was sure Mrs. Warner could hear it.

"Yes, Ann. Hold on just a moment." There was a thump as the receiver was set down. Mrs. Warner was back in a few seconds. She gave Ann Emily's address and phone number in Zurich.

"Thank you, Mrs. Warner."

There was another brief silence. "You're welcome, Ann. Good-bye."

Ann sat there staring at the address in front of her. She felt sure that Emily had told her parents. She could imagine what the Warners must think of her, about why she never called. She went back to the kitchen. "Dad," she asked, "could you book me a flight to Zurich?"

"When?"

"Today if possible," she said. "I've got the week off, and I don't think I could explain all this over the phone."

Katharine cleared the table as Owen went to call. Michael came over, his hands shoved deep in his pockets.

"Ann, I'm sorry," he said. "I hope you can straighten things out."

"I hope so, too, Michael," Ann replied quietly, "because if I can't, I don't know if I will forgive you for this."

Chapter 49

Ann arrived in Zurich on Sunday at around eleven o'clock, Zurich time. For her it still felt like Sunday afternoon. She hadn't slept at all on the plane. She felt alternately anxious, excited and terrified. She had no idea if Emily was angry at what she probably thought was Ann's cowardice about telling her family. She checked into Hotel Glarnischhof, where her father had an account for his business trips to Zurich. He had called and made a reservation for her. She was greeted graciously by the desk clerk, who immediately summoned a bellhop to take her bag up for her. She forced herself to go to bed, trying to acclimate to this time zone. Eventually, she was able to fall asleep.

She awoke to bright sunlight. The bedside clock said eight o'clock. She felt disoriented, still not used to this time. She called for room service and ordered breakfast. Showering quickly, she emerged in time to hear the knock on the door. She set the tray on the table and looked out over the city as she sipped the strong Swiss coffee and nibbled at the croissants.

Somewhere out there was Emily. She closed her eyes, feeling the familiar tingle in her stomach at the thought of seeing Emily's face. She figured Emily was probably at work. Should she try to find her there, or wait until later in the day and go to her flat? She decided to wait. If Emily's reaction to seeing her was not positive, it shouldn't be at work.

Nervously, she finished eating and got dressed. She went to explore Zurich. In some ways it was like any other big city, with business people walking hurriedly to work. But the architecture of the old buildings lent a grace not found in any U.S. city. She had brought Emily's address with her, and searched for her street. Finding it, she stood in the shadow of a building on the corner, and looked up and down the broad street, just in case Emily was walking to work. Not seeing her, Ann walked along, casually eyeing the numbers on the buildings. When she saw Emily's building, her heart began pounding. She hesitated, wondering if she should knock on Emily's door, just in case she worked later hours or had the day off.

She decided to stick with her original plan and wait. There was a small café whose glass front offered a view of the entrance to Emily's building. She ordered a cup of coffee and sat down at a table near the window. She read a French newspaper as she sipped her coffee and kept a casual eye on the activity outside. After about an hour, she gathered her coat to leave, deciding she would return to the café in the afternoon and wait for Emily to get off work.

As she put her coat on, she saw Emily coming up the street. She stopped with one arm in a sleeve, her heart in her throat. Emily's hair was a little longer, and she looked thin. Ann slid her other arm into her coat as she walked toward the door. Before she could push the door open, a blonde woman came down the steps of Emily's building and ran to Emily, giving her a hug. Slipping her arm through Emily's, the blonde laughed and talked as they crossed the street, coming toward the café.

Ann backed quickly away from the door, and looked for another way out. There was a back exit. She glanced out the front window again, just in time to catch Emily's eye. Emily stopped and turned back toward the café's entrance. Ann quickly exited out the back, fighting the impulse to run down the narrow alley.

Chapter 50

"What is it?" Laura asked, as Emily glanced around the café.

Emily turned to her with troubled eyes.

"Are you all right?"

Emily shook her head and laughed. "I must be going crazy. I've been here for months, and now all of a sudden… never mind. Come on, let's walk down to the river."

They walked through the maze of wider Strasses and narrower alleys toward the river. They crossed over to the East bank, walking through some of the older sections of the city.

"I'm so glad you were able to get some time off this week," Laura said.

"I'm glad you took me up on my invitation," Emily replied. "It's been pretty lonely over here."

"You never said in your letters what happened," Laura probed.

"Well," Emily began, "when I got back from Florida, I took your suggestion and told Ann how I felt. She said she felt the same, but I asked her to take some time to think about whether she was willing to make a commitment."

Laura stopped and stared hard at Emily. "You are unbelievable."

"What?" Emily asked, confused.

"She tells you she loves you, and instead of taking her up on it, you tell her she has to decide if she's ready to spend the rest of her life with you?"

Emily frowned. "Well… yes."

"How the hell was she supposed to know that, if she hadn't been with you?"

"You mean if we hadn't made love yet."

"Exactly."

"A relationship is based on so much more," Emily insisted, "although you probably wouldn't know that," she teased.

"Hey, I had a relationship," Laura tossed back, "once… I think." They both laughed.

"You are incorrigible," Emily pronounced.

"And you are so old-fashioned."

They had lunch at a small family-run restaurant. As Emily stood up, an excruciating pain hit her left knee, and she almost fell. Laura insisted on taking a look at it.

"I've just torn some cartilage," Emily insisted. "It probably just needs to be scoped. I'll have it looked at when I get back to the States."

"Maybe," Laura said dubiously. "I really don't think you should wait to have this looked at."

"I'll take care of it," Emily assured her, pulling her pants leg down. They spent the rest of the afternoon wandering into shops where Laura bought souvenirs for friends and family back home. Gradually, Emily told Laura the rest of the story of what had led her to accept the job in Zurich.

"So you haven't spoken to her since before Christmas?" Laura asked.

"No."

"Don't you think you should? If you never have any closure, you're not going to be able to move on. It's kind of like the situation with Caroline all over again."

"I know," Emily said thoughtfully. "I told her in my letter that I would respect her decision and leave her alone, but I guess I've been hoping she would try to contact me. I know we'll have to speak at some point. I've got to return to Weston to finish my doctoral work."

"Well, maybe she'll have gotten over you, like a bad case of the flu," Laura said with a straight face.

"Gee, thanks," Emily responded. "You are so good for my ego."

Laura slipped her arm through Emily's as they walked. "Believe me, you're not that easy to get over," she said with unaccustomed seriousness.

Emily blushed but laughed off the compliment. She decided to change the subject. "Come on. There's a great tavern where we can have dinner. They've got live music and wonderful food."

"You're the guide for the next few days."

Chapter 51

Ann paced her hotel room. In all her imaginings of what it would be like to see Emily again, she had not even considered the possibility that Emily might be with someone else.

Darkness fell. She stood at the window, looking out over the city. She hadn't been able to tell if Emily had really seen her through the café window. She ran her hand through her hair. 'What should I do?' she asked herself. 'It seems absurd to go back without at least talking to her, but what do I say? "It was all a mistake, I do still love you, and by the way, who's the beautiful blonde?"'

At last, she decided to call. If Emily answered, fine, they'd talk. If not, that would be her signal to leave. With trembling fingers, she pulled out the slip of paper with Emily's phone number. She sat by the phone, trying to get her breathing under control. She pushed the buttons, listening to the unfamiliar tones. When she heard ringing, her heart began pounding so hard she could feel it. Four rings, five, six… just as she was ready to hang up, she heard someone pick up and then Emily's voice, "Hello…"

"Emily?" Ann said breathlessly.

"This is Emily. I'm not available to take your call. Please leave a message, and I'll return it as soon as I can. Au revoir."

Ann sat listening to the message, not quite believing the irony of the whole situation. At the tone, she forced herself to say, "Emily, this is Ann. I'm here in Zurich, staying at Hotel Glarnishhof. Please call or come over. We need to talk."

Chapter 52

"I thought I was going crazy!" Emily exclaimed excitedly after listening to Ann's message. "I saw her! In the café this morning." She grabbed her jacket, but suddenly remembered Laura. Looking at her apologetically, she asked, "Would you mind if I went over to talk to her?"

"Yes," Laura said. "To be perfectly honest, I do mind, but…" she sat on the couch and picked up a magazine, "if you're dense enough to let that stop you, you don't deserve her." She finished the last bit with a sad smile.

"The hotel is only a few blocks from here," Emily said hurriedly. "I'll try not to be too long."

With that, she rushed out the door. When she was about a block away, she realized she hadn't brought her identification with her, but she didn't want to take the time to go back for it. This really was awkward, leaving Laura like this, but she wasn't going to pass up this opportunity to talk to Ann.

About halfway to the hotel, she came to an elevated plaza with a fountain. She bounded up the steps two at a time. The last thing she remembered was a feeling like her knee had exploded, and then time slowed to a crawl as she fell backwards and tumbled down the steps. She could clearly see the world turned upside down. 'No! I've got to see Ann!' she screamed silently, and then there was nothing.

Chapter 53

Emily woke to unfamiliar sounds and dim light. She felt completely disoriented. She couldn't make out where she was. She closed her eyes, thinking perhaps it was a dream, and tried to remember… what? Her brain had a cloudy recollection of something important having occurred… Ann. Her eyes flew open. She was supposed to see Ann. She raised her head and groaned. Lifting her hand to her pounding head, she felt bandages and noticed an IV tube hanging from her forearm.

'I must be in a hospital,' she realized stupidly. The noises now registered as beeps and hisses of various machines around her bed and other beds in the dimly lit ward. A white-frocked nurse noticed she was awake and came over.

"Wie geht is Ihnen?" the nurse asked.

"Ich weiss nicht," Emily replied. "Was machte? What happened?"

"Ein Augenblick," the nurse said and left. She returned with a young looking man in a white coat.

"You are American?" he asked, with an accent.

Emily nodded. "What happened? Where am I?"

"You are in UniversityHospital," he replied, taking out a small flashlight and examining her pupils. "I'm Dr. Schuler. What is your name?"

"Emily Warner. Please tell me what happened. How long have I been here?"

"Relax," he said soothingly. "I will tell you what we know. You were found unconscious on the sidewalk two days ago. You did not have any identification on you, so we did not know who you were. You sustained a concussion, but it seems to be resolving." He paused, a concerned look on his face. "I believe your concussion was secondary to your falling down the stairs. You fell because your knee shattered."

He placed a hand on her arm. "Weren't you having pain in your left knee?"

She thought for a moment. "Yes. I figured I had torn some cartilage. Why?"

"It wasn't torn cartilage. You had a malignant tumor. The bone was so weakened that it shattered." He looked away from her eyes for a few seconds. "We didn't have any identification, no way to contact your family, and the malignancy would have spread quickly. We had to amputate your leg."

His words didn't sink in for several seconds. Emily didn't understand. Her knee was aching as it had for weeks. She lifted her head and looked. The sheets were flat where her left leg should be.

"I'm sorry it had to be done without consulting you first. We simply couldn't wait for you to regain consciousness."

Emily let her head sink back onto the pillow. She comprehended the words, but the meaning seemed fuzzy. She felt an overwhelming need to sleep.

"Emily?" the doctor called, trying to rouse her. There was no response. He turned to the nurse, speaking in German. "Get me the American consulate on the phone, please." Now that he knew her name, they could locate her emergency contact.

Within a few hours, Dr. Schuler was speaking to Mrs. Warner, explaining as gently as he could what had happened. The American consul had contacted Washington to expedite emergency passports for her and her husband. The State Department would be calling them with further instructions. When he hung up, Dr. Schuler slumped back in his chair. What horrible news to receive over the phone. He returned to the intensive care ward to find Emily sitting up, sipping some tea.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"Much better," she replied calmly. "How long will I need to be in the hospital?"

"Well, that depends on how quickly you are able to get around without dizziness or other effects of the concussion," he said. "Perhaps a week or longer.

"We were able to contact your parents," he informed her. "They are making arrangements to come over. Is there anyone else we should notify?"

"Oh gosh, Madame Choubert must be thinking I skipped the country!" she remembered. "And Laura! Is there a phone I can use?"

"Of course," Dr. Schuler said kindly.

Emily was handed a phone and she dialed the number to L'Ecole. "Madame Choubert, s'il vous plait."

After a moment's wait, "Madame? This is Emily. I am so sorry... No, I'm not all right... I'm in the hospital… apparently I fell and suffered a concussion two days ago. No… my parents have been contacted, but thank you. Yes, yes, I'm at UniversityHospital… I look forward to seeing you, Madame."

She looked up at Dr. Schuler as she dialed the number to her flat. "The rest will be easier to explain in person. Laura? I'm in the hospital – I'm so sorry, you must have thought I abandoned you. Ask a taxi to take you to UniversityHospital. I'm in the intensive care ward. I'll explain the rest when you get here."

She gave the telephone back to Dr. Schuler. "We will move you to a regular ward tomorrow," he said as he put gloves on. "Right now, I want to check your leg. Is that all right?"

Emily consented. He pulled the sheet over and exposed her left leg. Only half of her thigh was there, wrapped in an elastic bandage. She watched with no expression as he unwrapped first the bandage and then the layers of gauze. When the last gauze pad was removed, her thigh lay exposed, a rounded stump with a neat incision across the front.

"Why is the incision there instead of on the bottom?" she asked.

Dr. Schuler gently kneaded the thigh, looking carefully at the incision. "If the incision is on the bottom, it can cause problems when you begin wearing a prosthesis," he explained.  "The incision looks good. There are no signs of infection." He seemed pleased. As he replaced the dressing and bandage, he showed Emily how to apply the elastic in order to control the swelling. As he disposed of his gloves and the used gauze, he said quietly, "During your few moments of semi-consciousness, you kept talking about someone named Ann. Is there anyone else you need to contact?"

He looked over at her as he washed his hands in the sink between beds. He couldn't read the expression on Emily's face as she replied, "No, there's no one."

Chapter 54

When Ann got back to the States, her parents picked her up at the airport. On the drive home, she told them briefly what had happened.

"I waited at the hotel an extra two days, but there was no word from her," she said flatly. She looked out the window at the passing landscape. "The hardest part before was not knowing why she left. Now I know."

Glancing at Ann's reflection in the rear-view mirror, Owen could see the hard outline of her jaw. "Are you all right?" he asked worriedly.

Ann met his gaze in the mirror, her eyes steely. "I will be," she replied quietly. "I hope you'll understand if I go directly back to Weston. I might as well use the time to study."

 Weston was nearly empty as most of the students were still away on spring break. She went for a long ride on Meg Friday afternoon. Spring was trying to gain a foothold as the weather warmed and crocus began to bloom. Meg seemed to feel it also, as she pranced and tossed her head, unable to move more slowly than a trot. When Ann eased her hold on the reins, Meg broke into a canter that swallowed up the miles as they hopped downed trees and low stone walls between fields. After a couple of hours, Meg was finally tired enough to walk. Swaying in rhythm with Meg's walk, Ann noticed the green buds on the maples and oaks. She wondered what spring in Switzerland was like and if Emily was enjoying the warmer weather. She sponged Meg off and cleaned her tack, and decided to drive by Maggie and Cris's apartment to see if they were back yet.

Seeing their cars parked on the street, she decided to go up. Cris answered her knock. "Hi!" she said with a big smile and a hug. "Come on in."

Ann suddenly realized she was still in her breeches and boots. "Sorry, I should have changed."

"Don't be silly," Cris insisted, closing the door behind Ann.

"Hey," Maggie said from the kitchen where she was pouring herself a drink. She did a double take, still pouring although she was no longer over the glass. "Shit!" she exclaimed, red-faced, as she scrambled to clean up her mess. She glanced sidelong at Ann again. "You could have warned me," she grumbled.

Cris shook her head, laughing. "Why don't you pour two more of those while you're at it?" she suggested as she led Ann into the living room. "I don't blame her. You know you could stop traffic," she said admiringly, looking Ann up and down.

"Thanks," Ann murmured, blushing. "Did you two get away for break?"

Cris glanced toward the kitchen. "Well, yes. I went home to Albany for a few days, and Maggie went to see her folks."

Ann looked at her in surprise. "You weren't together?"

Cris shook her head. "Maggie isn't welcome at my parents' house," she said, looking apologetically up at Maggie as she served glasses of soda to them and sat next to Cris on the couch.

"You're kidding. Doesn't your family know about the two of you?" Ann asked incredulously.

"Oh, yes, they know," Cris said, a little bitterly. "They choose to ignore what they don't want to know, however. They expect me to be home for holidays and vacations, but on their terms."

Maggie reached over to take Cris's hand. "My family, on the other hand, loves Cris," she said with a sad smile. "They think she's a good influence on me."

"Family," Ann said angrily, her face taking on the hardness it had acquired recently.

"What happened to you?" Maggie asked.

Ann looked from one to the other. "I saw Emily."

"Where?" they asked in unison.

She told them everything in the same flat, unemotional tone she had used in telling her parents.

"So your brother was the cause of all of this? And you never got to talk to her?" Cris asked in disbelief. "After going all that way?"

"I didn't leave the hotel room for two days; I was afraid I might miss her call," Ann said. "I guess she's moved on."

Maggie glanced at Cris before asking, "Have you?"        

For the first time in days, Ann's eyes filled with tears. She leaned her elbows on her knees, her face in her hands, and wept. Cris came and knelt beside her chair, holding her.

"I guess not," Maggie said softly.

Chapter 55

Maureen and Robert Warner entered the physiotherapy gym, looking very pale and tired. They had barely slept since getting the phone call two days ago from Dr. Schuler. They had been met at the airport by Madame Choubert and had been driven directly to the hospital. Madame told them that the limo would return and wait for them. They entered the hospital, and when they inquired about Emily they were directed to the physiotherapy gym. Despite having been told, they were not prepared for the sight of Emily hopping in the parallel bars, learning to adjust to the loss of her leg.

"Mom, Dad!" she cried out as she turned in the bars and spied them. Her mother rushed over and held Emily tightly. Her father gave her a kiss on the cheek. Maureen couldn't stop crying. The physiotherapist quietly brought a wheelchair for Emily and left them for a while. Emily sat, holding her mother's hand and reassuring her.

"Mom, I'm fine."

Her mother nodded, wiping tears from her cheeks. "I know, I know. I was just so worried."

Robert brought two chairs over. "How's your head?" he asked as he and Maureen sat.

"Much better," Emily replied. "I was so dizzy the first time I stood that I almost fell. I would have if Ursula hadn't caught me."

"Is there... does your leg hurt?" Maureen wasn't sure how to ask.

Emily rubbed her thigh. "Oh, it throbs, but it's getting better."

"What does your doctor say about the cancer?" Robert, pragmatic as always, wanted to know the facts.

"He thinks the amputation caught everything," Emily replied, "but he wants me to follow up with an oncologist back home just to be sure."

"When will he discharge you from the hospital?"

"Well, if I can handle stairs and things with crutches, I think they'll let me loose in a few days," she said. "Let me introduce you to Ursula, my physiotherapist."

Maureen and Robert stepped back to let Emily and Ursula resume their session. At one end of the bars, Ursula handed Emily a pair of crutches and gave instructions in German. She ventured outside the safety of the bars, having to adjust her body's sense of balance without the weight of her leg, Ursula holding tightly to a safety belt cinched around her waist.

After another half hour of walking with brief rest periods, the session was over. Emily directed Robert as he wheeled her back to her ward. In the long room with twelve beds lining the walls, Emily hopped into her bed. She gave her parents the key to her flat. She insisted that they go get some rest, claiming that she also needed to rest. They left reluctantly, promising to return later in the afternoon.

Lying in her hospital bed with her eyes closed, Emily tried to shut out the recurring image of the look on Laura's face when she had arrived at Emily's bedside in the intensive care ward. It had only been an instant, but Emily had seen that Laura would never look at her the same way, the way she had on the beach. If Laura, who worked in the medical field, had reacted like that, what chance was there that Ann would ever look at her the same way again?

Not long after, Dr. Schuler came in on his rounds. Emily told him about her progress with the crutches, and informed him that her parents had arrived. "So, when can I leave?"

"You don't appreciate our hospitality?" he teased with a wink as he examined her limb again.

"Well, I can't say it's been my favorite part of Zurich," she said with a droll smile.

"We can probably discharge you in two days," he said. "I would like for you to return to the United States right away, and get in touch with an oncologist immediately. Is there a doctor I can contact for you?"

Emily thought for a moment, and gave him the name of her parents' family doctor. He hadn't treated Emily for years, but he would probably know of an oncologist near her home in Scranton.

The next two days were a flurry of activity as her parents packed up her apartment. They made arrangements for a return flight and shipping Emily's belongings back to the States. Fortunately, she had been content with a rather spartan existence.

The day she was to be discharged, Madame Choubert came to the hospital. "This is not how I envisioned the termination of your position," she said with dry humor.

Emily smiled. "Nor I, Madame."

"Have you been able to make all necessary arrangements?" Madame inquired.

"Yes, with my parents' help, everything is packed." Emily's tone became serious. "I deeply regret leaving you so abruptly, I know how busy the school is."

"Nonsense," Madame scolded her. "We got along before you arrived, and we shall continue after you have gone."

Her voice and face softened. "Let me know how you are doing.  When you have recovered, if you wish to return, I will have a position waiting for you."

"Thank you, Madame."

As she left, Madame Choubert left firm instructions that the nurses were to call L'Ecole as Emily was being discharged, and the limousine would be sent to take the Warners to the airport.

For the first time in over a week, Emily was allowed to dress in her own clothes, tucking the leg of her khakis under her in the wheelchair. When all was ready, the limo was contacted and the journey home began. The American consul had arranged for an aide to meet them at the airport and expedite their passage through customs.

Settled into spacious first-class seats as a courtesy from the airline, Emily sat back for the long flight to America. Her last view of Zurich was an aerial one as the plane circled before heading west.

Chapter 56

The telephone was ringing as Ann entered her apartment. Dropping her book bag on the couch, she picked up.

"Hello, Ann," came Katharine's voice.

"Hi, Mom. What's up?" Ann carried the telephone into the kitchen and rummaged in the refrigerator for something to eat.

"Not much. I was wondering if you'll be coming home for Easter. It's a long weekend for you, isn't it?"

"It is." There was a bit of an edge to her voice. "But I won't be home."

"Ann, I think Michael really is sorry," Katharine said, reading her mind as to why she wasn't coming home.

"I'm sure he is," she acknowledged, "because he got caught. If he hadn't tripped up, I don't believe he would have confessed what he did at all. I think he would have just let Emily disappear from my life and wait for me to get over this."

"Are you getting over this?" Katharine asked gently.

Ann's throat suddenly tightened. "Not yet. And I'm not ready to forgive Michael yet, either. I'm sorry if this tension hurts you and Dad, but I'm not going to pretend this didn't happen."

There were a few seconds of silence. "All right," Katharine sighed. "We'll talk to you soon. I love you."

Katharine sat back, absentmindedly twirling a pen in her fingers. She wasn't sure how long she had been sitting there when she heard the front door open.

"Kate!" Owen called out as he came in, depositing his bags at the base of the stairs.

"In here," she called from the study. "Just catching up on some paperwork," she said as she stood to give him a kiss and hold him tightly. "I missed you."

"I missed you, too," he smiled. Taking her by the hand, he led her to one of the sofas. "Come and sit with me. I've got something to tell you."

"Do you remember meeting Helmut Beschmann?" he asked as they sat.

Katharine furrowed her brow. "He works for the German biotechnology firm with the patent on the new gene splitting technique, right?"

"Yes," Owen nodded. "His company is trying to negotiate a merger with a firm in Wisconsin to start using their technique in the U.S., so he has been attending a language school in Zurich. Guess who his instructor was?"

Katharine's eyebrows rose. "Not Emily?"

"Emily. But he said he was told about a month ago that she had had an accident and had to return to the States with her family."

"Did he have any idea what happened?" Katharine asked with concern.

Owen shook his head, frowning. "No. They were trying to protect Emily's confidentiality, telling only her clients and then only telling them what I've told you."

Katharine was staring at the fireplace. "Ann is still hurting over all of this. She'll be done with finals in a couple of weeks."

"I know."

Chapter 57

"Are you sure this is necessary?" Emily moaned as she lay back in bed.

"I'm sure." Dr. Susan Hall, tall and imposing with sharp features and sharper hazel eyes behind her wire-rimmed glasses, laid a surprisingly gentle hand on Emily's forehead. "I know the side effects are awful, but if we blast any remaining cancer cells with three intense months of chemotherapy, I think you'll have a clean slate." Her last words echoed a little in the bathroom as she flushed the contents of the emesis basin down the toilet and then rinsed it in the sink.

She checked Emily's IV and then scribbled new orders in the chart. "I'll order a medication which should reduce the nausea. I'll check on you later," she promised.

After only a few precious minutes of peace and quiet, a nurse's aide bustled in. Emily kept her eyes closed. 'Even her walk is cheerful,' she thought with clenched teeth.

"Here's your milkshake!" the aide announced in a falsetto voice, setting a liquid supplement on the bedside table. "Drink up!" she chirped as she left the room.

Emily couldn't bear the thought of putting anything in her stomach now, but she knew she needed to. She had already lost almost twenty pounds heading into her fourth week of chemo. Dr. Hall had not wasted any time. After a lengthy phone consultation with Dr. Schuler to get the pathology results, and then running a few more tests, she had strongly urged a twelve-week regimen of chemotherapy to be administered in intense bursts of three days per week via intravenous delivery. She had warned Emily about the need to keep her calorie count up despite the nausea. Not only would excess weight loss weaken her when she needed more energy than ever to get around, but it would delay her being fitted with a prosthesis because of the changing size of her limb.

What Emily didn't know was the concern Dr. Schuler had expressed regarding Emily's seeming acceptance of her amputation. He told Dr. Hall that Emily had been so concerned with taking care of her obligations and the details of leaving that she had not expressed any of the reactions he would have expected – no grief, no anger. Dr. Hall had promised to keep a close eye on her.

Emily opened one eye and looked at the supplement. She forced herself to begin taking small sips. When she had swallowed all she could handle, she began doing her exercises to keep her left hip limber and strong so that she would be able to handle the weight of her prosthesis when the time came.

After the next day's IV, she would be discharged until the following Monday, and then would start the process over just as she was getting over the side effects of the week before.

'All right, Warner, drink up!' she said to herself as she downed the last of the supplement in the cup, forcing herself to swallow.

"Guess what I've got for you?" The aide bounced into the room, carrying a tray. "It's a yummy lunch!" She set the tray down, and was already heading toward the door so she didn't see the styrofoam cup Emily hurled at her.

Chapter 58

Emily was starting to feel like herself again after two days at home. She tried to make the most of the days she felt good, refusing to waste time thinking about the next round of chemotherapy. Her limb was healed with a thin red scar left after the sutures were removed. She got dressed in a swimsuit and sweats. Standing in front of her mirror she ran a brush through her unruly curls, and stood staring at the large mass of hair clinging to the bristles. Clenching her jaw, she tossed a swim cap into her gym bag and swung it over her shoulder.

The house was quiet. Her mother's attitude had done a complete about-face. She never said so directly, but Emily suspected that her mother had been haunted by the possibility that she might have died with their holiday estrangement unresolved. Her parents had returned to work at her insistence. She pointed out that there was nothing she couldn't do for herself now, and if she was feeling ill, all she wanted to do was sleep.

She drove to the public recreation facility to use the pool there. Leaving her gym bag and sweats in a locker, she swung out to the pool on her crutches. Ignoring the people staring at her, she reminded herself that she had chosen to come here rather than go to the rehab pool precisely because she felt she needed to face the stares and whispers. She was a little more careful with her crutches near the pool where it was wet. She tugged on her cap and goggles and hopped into the water.

As she began swimming laps, she settled into a rhythm of breathing, losing herself with only the sound of rushing water in her ears. It had been awkward at first, learning how to compensate for the lack of a leg. It was like having only half a rudder. Swimming allowed her to maintain her cardiovascular conditioning, and she could tell her upper body was getting stronger.

An hour later, she had showered and returned home. She was ravenous, a rare sensation lately. She fixed a large sandwich and wolfed it down. Carefully carrying a plastic cup of water, she hopped out to the back patio to enjoy the early May sunshine. The sun's warmth felt wonderful. She stripped down to a t-shirt and rolled up the sleeves, soaking up as much sun as she could. She visualized the cancer cells being bombarded by both the chemo and the solar radiation. Sitting back in the lawn chair, she pulled Ann's letter out of her back pocket. She had found it unopened in one of the boxes from her Zurich flat, and had probably read it a hundred times. It still confused her that Ann didn't seem to have any idea why she had left Weston in the first place. Ann apparently had told her family about their relationship, but for some reason had never called to let Emily know. What she never got tired of reading was the last paragraph,

Whatever your reasons were for leaving, I want you to know that I have never stopped loving you. I have to believe that what we have together is strong enough to overcome any other difficulties. Please contact me, Emily.

She felt the now familiar cramping of her gut – the feeling she had every time she thought of Ann. Sometimes she couldn't tell if she was more nauseous from the chemo or from the agony of what to do about Ann. Her parents hadn't asked about Ann – old habits, she supposed. They were probably waiting for her to bring the subject up, and she hadn't been able to steel herself to it yet. Part of her wanted to call Ann and beg her to come to Pennsylvania as fast as she could, and she had actually picked the telephone up half a dozen times, but when she looked at herself in the mirror, she couldn't make herself do it. She kept remembering Laura's reaction. She hadn't heard from Laura since the day she came to see her in the hospital in Zurich.

Later that afternoon, Maureen came home and announced they were having company for dinner. She refused to reveal who was coming, but put Emily to work peeling and slicing potatoes. Robert came home with fresh steaks and fired up the grill. They got the potatoes started early, wrapped in foil with onions and peppers.

Emily was setting the table when she heard the doorbell. Her mother went to the door, and Emily heard familiar voices. She pivoted on her crutches to see Owen and Katharine entering the kitchen. They stood there in mutual shock for a moment. Emily looked beyond them, her heart pounding wildly.

"Ann's not here," Katharine said, instinctively understanding what Emily was searching for.

Emily recovered enough to greet them. "How are both of you?"

Owen came over to give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. "We're fine," he said. He stepped back and looked at her. Her face was so thin. There were dark circles under her eyes and her hair was sparse.

Emily noted that Katharine remained somewhat distant, and seemed to avoid meeting her eyes. Maureen invited them to sit and catch up with Emily while she and Robert finished getting dinner.

"How did you know where I was?" Emily asked as they settled in the family room.

"I have a business acquaintance who was a student of yours, Helmut Beschmann," Owen explained.

"You're kidding," Emily said incredulously. "That is a pretty bizarre coincidence."

"Maybe not," Katharine said in a tone of concern that contradicted her physical aloofness. "How are you, Emily? What happened in Zurich?"

Emily told them about seeing Ann through the café window and later getting her message. "I was running to the hotel to see her when my femur crumbled. There was a malignant tumor in the bone. I fell down some stairs, suffered a concussion and woke up two days later to find this," she gestured to her leg. "I guess she had no way of knowing what happened or where I was…"

"She thinks you just didn't want to see her," Katharine said. "She thinks you're with someone else."

Emily's eyes got wide. "Laura? No, she's just a friend who was visiting." She looked at them, puzzled, "Ann wrote me a letter dated late February, and I guess it arrived while I was in the hospital. I found the letter in a box that got packed up after my accident, but what made her come over to Switzerland in the first place?"

Owen and Katharine looked at each other. "Ann never got the note you wrote her at Christmastime, Emily. Michael found it and hid it from her," Owen explained. "He got caught when he said something that let us know he knew you were gone, and when Ann confronted him, he confessed what he had done."

Emily sat for several seconds, trying to put all of this information in context. "So, she didn't know that I was waiting to hear from her over the holidays and that I was basing my decision about Zurich on whether she could bring herself to tell you about us?"

"That's right."

"But she did tell you?"

Katharine nodded. "After the New Year." She glanced at Owen. "She had been abnormally quiet and withdrawn over the holiday break. We found out later it was because of what Michael had said to her."

"And what was that?"

Katharine looked uncomfortable. "We don't know exactly. Ann won't tell us everything. It seems Michael has… issues with your relationship. He confronted her and accused her of selfishly putting the whole family at risk."

Emily braced herself. "How do the two of you feel about Ann and me?"

"We had never seen Ann as happy as she was with you," Owen began.

"Or as miserable as she has been since you left," Katharine added.

Just then, Maureen called them in to dinner as Robert brought the steaks to the table. Emily was glad her appetite was still good. Dinner conversation consisted mainly of the two sets of parents' getting to know one another. Emily tried to listen attentively, but she couldn't really concentrate on anything other than Ann. This conversation with Owen and Katharine explained so much. After dinner, they went out to the patio for coffee. The May evening was cooling down as the sun lowered.

"Before we sat down to eat," Emily decided to plunge back in, "I asked you how you felt about Ann and me. Do you share Michael's misgivings?" Out of the corner of her eye, she could see her mother tense up at such a direct discussion of this topic.

Owen smiled. "No, Emily. We were happy for the two of you. Ann is such an extraordinary person; we have always trusted her judgment. We do not have a problem with her being with you."

"What we do have a problem with, though," Katharine interjected, "is keeping all of this from her." She shifted forward in her seat. "Ann told us about Caroline, how you never got to say good-bye and all the pain that followed. If that happened between you and Ann, and it could have been prevented…"

She didn't finish. She didn't have to. Emily now understood Katharine's distance since her arrival.

"You're right. Ann doesn't deserve to go through anything like that."

"You know she would want to be here for you." Katharine said gently.

Emily ran her hand through her wispy hair, her jaw clenching as her throat tightened. "I know she would, but…" her voice cracked. She pressed her fingers hard against her eyes. "I am not going to cry again," she whispered through clenched teeth.

Taking a deep breath, she continued, her voice still shaky, "You've got to realize that when I met Ann, I was in worse shape emotionally than I am now. I was… I was like a fucking Humpty Dumpty."

Surprised at the unaccustomed swearing coming from Emily, the older people sat silently. Emily sat with her fists clenched, her eyes tightly shut.

"It's taken me five years to face the truth and come to grips with everything that happened; to accept the fact that Caroline just didn't love me enough to put me first and face her parents; the humiliation of her parents' public tirade in the hospital, preventing me from seeing her as she died, then invading my home and taking whatever the hell they wanted; trying to put my life back together only to run into someone in Vermont of all places who knew me from Virginia and start the whole goddamned cycle all over again. Then I met Ann." She took another deep breath. "I wish I could convey to you the depth of healing she brought to me. She didn't just put my heart back together; she put my soul back together. She loved me with her whole being. She made it safe to feel again, to love again. I thought I had found someone who would stand by me no matter what. But then it seemed she was getting cold feet when it came to facing family, so I left, thinking it was what she had chosen, only to find out tonight that it was all a pointless misunderstanding caused by Michael's interference and none of it needed to happen at all. And now, Ann thinks I ignored her plea because I was with someone else."

She opened her eyes, and despite her resolve not to cry, tears spilled out, and she laughed bitterly. "And as if all the rest weren't senseless and cruel enough, let's throw some cancer into the mix and see what happens." She pounded her thigh with her fist. "Now, I'm broken again, only this time there are pieces missing that even Ann can't put back together!" She grabbed a crutch and slammed it into the empty chair next to her, sending it crashing into the side of the garage.

She sat back, breathing hard. There was a startled and very awkward silence. Finally, she smiled feebly as she wiped her cheeks and said, "I'm sorry. How's that for a little self-pity? You'd think someone who can speak four languages would be able to express herself without resorting to language like that." She stood with her crutches. "And without breaking all the lawn furniture." She hopped over to the battered chair and stood it back up on its feet.

 "I think that's the most you've said since you got home," Maureen observed with a sad smile.

"I think it's about time you had some kind of reaction to all this," Robert added, looking at her over the tops of his glasses.

Emily turned to face Owen and Katharine, who hadn't said anything. "Look, I've got eight weeks of chemotherapy left. My oncologist thinks the amputation caught all the cancer, but the bone shattered so badly, that was the reason for her recommending the chemo. I promise you, if anything changes with regard to my prognosis, I will call Ann without delay."  She paused and looked at them with fervent eyes. "I love her more than I could ever put into words, and when I see her again, I want it to be as a whole person who's finally capable of offering her everything she deserves in a relationship. I don't want her to see me sick five days out of every seven, and losing my hair, and so pre-occupied with all this that I can't really concentrate on anything else."

Katharine frowned as she studied her clasped hands in her lap. "Emily, I know you've been through more than we could possibly comprehend, but our family has already been fractured by this situation. Ann refuses to forgive Michael for what he did." She glanced over at Owen. "I realize you didn't invite us here and didn't contact us, but now that we know what has happened to you, we can't keep it from Ann. If we did, and she found out, it would destroy her trust in us, and I'm afraid the damage would be irreparable. We could avoid saying anything to her for…" she looked questioningly at Owen, "two weeks?" He nodded. "To give you time to contact her yourself, but I don't feel we could keep this from her longer than that."

Emily stared at the patio bricks. "I haven't meant to cause any strife within your family…"

"You didn't cause it, Emily," Owen interrupted, "Michael did. But you are involved. We hope you understand why we can't keep this from Ann."

"I do. I just don't know... how to tell her…" she swallowed hard.

"You'll find a way," Katharine said softly. She saw Emily shiver suddenly and realized how chilly the evening had become. "We'd better go," she said, laying a hand on Owen's arm.

 "Do you have to?" Emily asked.

"I'm afraid so," Owen said. "I've got to be at work tomorrow."

They went into the house. Emily hopped toward the foyer and turned to Katharine to say good-bye. To her surprise, Katharine took her into her arms and gave her a long embrace. Owen shook hands with Maureen and Robert, inviting them to come to Massachusetts so they could return the hospitality.

"They seem like very nice people," Maureen said as the rental car backed out of the driveway.

"They are," Emily agreed. "I'm very glad they got to meet you. Thank you for setting this up. It helped to have an opportunity to explain to them... I can imagine what they must have been thinking."

Robert put his arm around his daughter's shoulders and said, "They obviously think a great deal of you, or they wouldn't have gone to so much trouble to find out how you are."

Emily smiled up at him. "Thanks, Dad."

She began swinging back toward the kitchen to help with the dishes. She picked up a salad bowl and almost dropped it as she heard her father say with his typical dry humor, "Well, Mo, looks like we met the parents. Now we just need to meet our future daughter-in-law."

Chapter 59

Fumbling with her key, Ann unlocked her apartment. It was after midnight, and she was dead tired. It was finals week, and she only had chemistry left to go. She'd spent the evening trying to help Maggie whose biggest obstacle was her panic when she looked at a chemistry question. Dropping her book bag next to the sofa, she saw her answering machine light was blinking. She pushed the button on her way into the kitchen, expecting to hear one of her parents' voices. She stopped mid-stride when she heard Emily's voice instead.

"Ann, this is Emily." Ann hurried to the machine and leaned closer as she listened. "I'm home with my family in Scranton. We really need to talk, but not on the machine... I know it's finals week. I'll try calling you later." There was a pause on the recording. "I hope you're well. I'll talk to you soon. Bye."

Ann's heart slowly began beating again. She played the message three more times before going to sit on the couch, dazed. Emily's voice had sounded strange, but Ann wasn't sure she could trust her memory of what Emily used to sound like. She got out a map and tried to figure out how far away Scranton was. Calculating the mileage to inches, she estimated it would take nine or ten hours to get there. Her chemistry exam was scheduled for ten a.m. Thinking frantically, she called Dr. Lewinsky's office and left a voicemail explaining there was a family emergency and asking if she could possibly take the exam early. She left her telephone number, asking him to call when he got in.

She went to bed and tried to sleep, but her brain wouldn't shut down. With her thoughts jumping back and forth between memories of Emily, chemistry equations and speculation as to why Emily might have called, she didn't sleep at all.

She was already showered and was studying, as she forced herself to eat some breakfast, when Dr. Lewinsky called her at eight, telling her he would allow her to take the exam as soon as she could get to the science building. Two hours later, she was in the Toyota on her way to Pennsylvania.

Chapter 60

"Do you have her?" Maureen asked worriedly as she held the front door open for Robert, who carried Emily wrapped in a blanket out to the waiting car in the driveway. Settling her as comfortably as possible in the back seat, Maureen climbed in back with her, while Robert drove as quickly as he dared to the hospital. She had just been discharged yesterday, following this week's chemo, but she'd been running a slight temperature.

"Your white cell count is down," Dr. Hall said, frowning at the latest blood test results. "I'd like you to stay in the hospital."

"Please, no," Emily protested. "There's something I need to do." She'd made up her mind to call Ann that evening, knowing she'd have four days at home in case it took her awhile to catch Ann at her apartment.

But overnight, her fever had climbed and she was now jaundiced. They called Dr. Hall who ordered them to take Emily to the ER immediately. She met the car when Robert pulled up to the doors. They got Emily into a wheelchair and took her straight upstairs to a room where Dr. Hall ordered a series of IVs, and drew more blood for current tests. Within an hour, Emily was violently ill, throwing up yellowish-green bile before anyone could grab a basin. Her gown and bedding all had to be changed while she sat in a chair, unable to stop vomiting.

"What the hell is wrong with me?" she gasped in between bouts of being sick.

"You've developed an intestinal infection, which is also affecting your liver," Dr. Hall explained. "I'm sorry. I should have insisted on keeping you yesterday. We could have kept you on meds which might have been able to get this under control before it got to this point."

Emily couldn't tolerate lying down. Every time she did, she could feel her stomach contents starting to back up again. With a blanket wrapped around her shoulders, she stayed sitting up in bed. She ordered the nurse's aide out of the room when a food tray was brought. As the medicines started to take effect, the vomiting spells became less frequent, and she was able to rest a bit.

"Go home and eat, get some rest," she insisted weakly that afternoon to Robert and Maureen who had remained with her all day. "I think I might be able to sleep a little now."

"Are you sure?" Maureen asked worriedly.

"Yes," Emily responded with a wan smile.

"We'll be back later then," Maureen said, kissing her on the forehead.

"Okay."

Emily drifted off into a restless sleep, still sitting up against pillows.

Ann got to the Scranton outskirts as the last bits of sunlight were fading from the western sky. She'd made better time than her estimate, but only because she hadn't passed any police cars to catch her as she sped along the highways. Realizing she didn't know which exit to take to get to the Warners' house, she pulled off the interstate and into a gas station to try calling. Dialing the telephone number, she realized her fingers were trembling.

"Hello?" a child's voice answered the phone on the third ring.

"Is this the Warner house?" Ann asked uncertainly.

"Yes."

"Is Emily there?" 

"No. She's still in the hospital," said the young voice innocently.

"Is there a grown-up there?" Ann asked, still uncertain she had the right house.

"No. They'll be here later."

"Thank you," Ann said as she hung up. The hospital? She called the hospitals listed in the telephone book until she found the one that had an Emily Warner as a patient, and then asked the gas station attendant for directions. When she found it, she entered and asked for Emily at the information desk.

"Room 451," she was told by the older man volunteering at the desk.

Taking the elevator up to the fourth floor, Ann's heart was pounding, though whether more from apprehension about why Emily was in the hospital or nervousness about seeing her, she couldn't tell.

She walked along the corridor, scanning the room numbers and names. 451. Warner, E. The door was pulled halfway closed. Knocking softly, she pushed the door open and peeked into the room.

Ann felt she had walked into a nightmare. The patient in the room was sitting on the edge of the bed, vomiting into a large basin. She couldn't tell at first whether the emaciated, bald person in the gown was male or female, but she noticed only one leg hanging out from under the hospital gown. She was about to back out of the room when the patient looked up and saw her.

"I'm so sorry," she began, "I have the wrong –" She stared at the strangely familiar eyes of the person in the bed. "Emily?" she gasped, her hand flying to her mouth.

Emily's face contorted as she tried to turn away. "Go!" she begged in a hoarse voice. When Ann didn't move, Emily looked back at her and saw the disgust and horror in her face. "Get out!" she rasped. A nurse emerged from the bathroom where she had been rinsing a washcloth in the sink.

"Miss, you cannot be here now," the nurse said adamantly. "Please leave," she insisted as she backed Ann out of the room and pushed the door shut in her face.

Reeling, Ann leaned against the wall of the corridor, trying to stop the world from spinning out of control around her.

"Are you all right? Are you ill?" asked a different nurse who was just coming from another room.

Ann turned without answering and almost ran back to the elevator where several other people were also waiting. Seeing the door to the stairwell, she descended the stairs as fast as she could. She attracted curious stares as she rushed through the lobby, tears streaming down her face. When she got to her vehicle, she sat there, clutching the steering wheel and trying to get her breathing under control. All her brain seemed capable of was re-running images of Emily sitting there, looking like someone from a concentration camp. Unable to think, not knowing what else to do, she started the engine and began the drive back to Vermont.

Chapter 61

"Where is she?"

"Doctor?"

"Emily. Where is she?" Dr. Hall demanded. "It's after ten o'clock."

Startled, the nurses at the station just looked at her. "She's not in her room?"

"Obviously not," Dr. Hall retorted, trying not to lose her temper, "or I wouldn't be asking. She's pulled out all of her IV lines, her closet is empty and her crutches are missing." When the dumbfounded nurses continued to stare mutely at her, she barked, "Well, let's find her! She's only got one goddamned leg, she can't have gone too far!"

Over an hour later, Dr. Hall received a call that Emily had been located in the garden outside the cafeteria.

"You had me worried," she said quietly as she sat next to Emily on the bench. A half moon was just coming up over the rooftop of the hospital and shining down into the small garden. When Emily made no response, Dr. Hall sat silently beside her for several minutes. Finally, she asked, "What happened, Emily? I was told you had a visitor this evening, a young woman who came in at a bad time."

Emily's face in the moonlight was like stone, the hollows of her cheeks and her eyes even more accentuated by the shadows. When she spoke, her voice was still hoarse from the irritation of vomiting most of the day. "She was my reason for getting well. But she's gone. She won't be back."

"Why not?"

Emily closed her eyes. "That's not the right question."

"What's the right question?"

"Why should she?"

Dr. Hall watched Emily's face carefully. "Does she love you?"

"She used to."

"But she doesn't anymore?" Dr. Hall probed gently.

"I thought she might still… even after everything that's happened. But her eyes… when she saw me tonight… no. She doesn't anymore. How could she?"

"Emily, you've been here for almost two months. Why was she only now coming to see you? When did she find out what's happened to you?"

"Tonight."

Dr. Hall's eyes widened. "Do you mean to tell me she walked into your hospital room, today of all days, without knowing what to expect?"

Emily didn't respond.

"My God." Dr. Hall placed her arm around Emily's shoulders. "Emily, I don't know what could be going through her head or how she feels, but if she saw you for the first time this evening, with no idea of what had happened, then I think it's safe to assume that at least part of what you saw in her face was shock, plain and simple. Please, for your sake, give her a chance to absorb this. Talk to her."

"I told her to go," Emily whispered, her stony façade dissolving into tears.

"I know." Dr. Hall held her, letting her cry. "You didn't mean it. She may figure that out as she has time to take this all in."

Chapter 62

Ann got back to Weston about six o'clock in the morning. She sat for a while in the parking lot of her apartment building, but she couldn't bear the thought of being by herself just now. She drove over to Cris and Maggie's. Climbing the rickety stairs, she knew they wouldn't be up yet, but she knocked lightly anyway.

"Please hear me," she begged.

As if in answer to her plea, Cris opened the door. "Ann, what in the world is going on? Come in," she insisted, taking Ann by the hand and leading her into the living room where she had exam papers spread out on the coffee table. She sat Ann down on the couch and sat beside her. "Where have you been?" she asked, her dark eyes scanned Ann's face worriedly. "You weren't in the chemistry exam. We've been worried to death."

"I went to Pennsylvania," Ann said numbly. "I got a message from Emily."

"Emily's back in the country? Start at the beginning."

Ann closed her eyes, trying to think. It was difficult, her brain felt sluggish. "Um, the night before last, when I left here, there was a message from Emily saying she was home with her family in Scranton and that we needed to talk."

"So did you? Talk?" Cris asked when Ann just looked at her.

"No… no," Ann said fuzzily.

"How long has it been since you slept?" Cris demanded.

"I'm not sure… I guess three nights ago."

"Ann," Cris said tenderly, "you're safe here. You need to sleep, and then we'll talk. Here, lie down," she said, positioning a pillow for Ann's head. As Ann obeyed, Cris covered her with a blanket, gently brushing her hair off her face. Ann fell asleep almost immediately, and didn't wake until nearly noon. Groggily, she sat up, not sure where she was at first.

Cris and Maggie heard her stir and came out of the kitchen where they had been talking quietly, trying not to disturb her.

"Are you all right?" Maggie asked, concerned.

"I think so," Ann replied.

"You probably haven't eaten for as long as you haven't slept," Cris said. "Why don't you go wash, and I'll whip up some omelettes. Maggie, see if you can find an extra toothbrush, will you?"

Half an hour later, Ann's plate was empty and she sat with a cup of coffee in her hands.

"Now, let's start again," Cris said. "The night you and Maggie studied, you went home and there was a message from Emily saying she was with her family and that you two needed to talk."

Ann nodded. "I couldn't sleep at all after that. I took the chemistry exam early and left right after for Pennsylvania."

"So you went there without actually talking to Emily?" Maggie clarified.

"Yes. I got there, I don't know, about seven or eight that evening. I called her parents' house, but a child answered and told me Emily was in the hospital. I got directions to the hospital and went there." At this point, Ann's throat got tight, and she closed her eyes as if trying to shut out the image even as she described it. "I thought I had the wrong room for a minute, she was…"

"She was what?" Cris asked gently when Ann couldn't continue.

Ann opened her eyes and tears spilled down her cheeks. "She's really sick, she may be dying. She's lost a leg, she's so thin… bald. Her eyes… I almost didn't recognize her. I don't understand. She seemed fine in Zurich. What could have happened?" She wiped her tears from her cheeks.

"She's really missing a leg?" Maggie asked solemnly. Ann nodded. "Did she see you? What happened?"

"When I walked in, she was throwing up. She saw me and told me to get out.  Then a nurse made me leave. I just left. I never got to talk to her."

"Oh, Ann," Cris murmured sympathetically, laying a hand on Ann's arm. "I don't think Emily really wanted you to go, she just didn't want you to see her like that."

Ann lifted her eyes hopefully to Cris's. "You think so?"

"Yes, I do. That's why she wanted to talk to you first. She probably wanted to explain, to tell you what's been going on. She never expected you to just show up and walk in like that," Cris said gently.

"I didn't know what to say or do," Ann murmured. Ashamed, she whispered, "I almost ran out of the hospital."

 "This was a really unfortunate situation for both of you," Cris pointed out. "What a shock that must have been for you. No one could expect you to act like this was a normal visit when you had no warning."

"How do I apologize for walking away?" Ann sat morosely with her forehead resting in her hands, staring down at her coffee. Maggie and Cris looked at each other.

"What a mess," Maggie muttered.

"It's probably a good guess that Emily has some kind of cancer, Ann," Cris said quietly. "You two have been apart now longer than you were together." She hesitated for a few seconds, then decided to express her next thought. "If you don't want to get involved with her again, or can't deal with all of this, she gave you the perfect out by telling you to leave."

Ann sat so still, Cris wasn't sure she'd heard, but then she lifted her head and looked at Cris, her eyes hard and icy.

"Do you think I'm so shallow that I would be scared off if she does have cancer?" she asked angrily. "Or maybe you think this was just a fling that doesn't really mean anything. I know we've been apart longer than we were together, and every day of that time apart has been an eternity to me. My feelings for her haven't weakened or wavered; if anything, I love her more now than I ever have."

Cris sat back with a satisfied smile. "Well then, maybe you should find a way to say all of that to Emily."

Chapter 63

Dr. Hall insisted on keeping Emily in the hospital to get the infection completely under control, which didn't happen until her next round of chemotherapy was scheduled to begin. Emily's color was better as the jaundice resolved, and the nausea from the chemo seemed minimal in comparison to what she'd been through with this infection. Dr. Hall was more worried, not less, however, because Emily had sunk into a depression that she felt was more dangerous to her recovery than anything physical.

"She's lost five more pounds," Dr. Hall told Robert and Maureen in her office. "She's barely eating anything. I don't want to put her on anti-depressants if we can help it; she doesn't need more drugs in her system. I've tried asking someone from psych to see her, but she won't talk. Her doctor in Germany was concerned that she wasn't exhibiting any of the normal grief responses we would expect to see in someone who has been through everything she has."

Robert glanced anxiously at Maureen and said, "This isn't the only thing Emily is dealing with." He briefly described the prior emotional trauma of Emily's relationship with Caroline. Maureen stoically tried to stem her tears as she heard details of this story for the first time.

Dr. Hall slumped back in her chair. "How much can one person deal with?" she sighed, removing her glasses to rub her eyes. She looked at both of them. "Her cancer most likely isn't terminal. I think we have an excellent chance of successfully eradicating it. But I don't know how much more she can take psychologically or emotionally. When I look into her eyes, I see no hope in them at all. She doesn't feel there's any reason to get well without Ann in her life, and that makes a lot more sense now knowing about her past. Do you know how to get in contact with Ann?"

Maureen frowned and shook her head, wiping her teary eyes. "No, but we know her parents. We'll call them."

Later that afternoon, when Dr. Hall went to the hospital to make her rounds, she was stopped by Emily's nurse, Doris. "Wait till you see," she said excitedly.

Peering into Emily's room, Dr. Hall was flabbergasted to see nearly the entire room filled with flowers: lilies, irises, roses. "What's this?" she asked, laughing, trying to find the bed in the midst of all the greenery.

For the first time in days, Emily's face had some life to it. She smiled and said, "They're from Ann." She extended the note that had come with the flowers.

Dr. Hall took it and read,

Emily, I hope you can forgive me for walking in on you like I did. I still don't know what's happening with you, but I love you more than I could possibly put into words. Please call me when you can. I will be waiting, as I've been waiting for you my entire life. Ann.

Emily was amused by Dr. Hall's reaction as she removed her glasses and wiped her eyes. Clearing her throat, she grinned and said, "Well I'll be damned."

Chapter 64

"Are you serious?" Maggie asked, ducking under a low-hanging branch as she, Cris and Ann rode along a trail through the woods. "Your parents actually chartered a plane and flew out to see Emily?"

"Yeah," Ann replied as she guided Meg through a small stream. Cris and Maggie's mounts followed.

"Ann, do you have any idea how incredible that is? How fortunate you are?" asked Cris who was clutching the mane of the gelding she rode.

Ann smiled. "I am, I know. I was a little angry at first that they didn't tell me about it right away, but they were trying to give Emily a chance to call me herself before they said anything."

They got to a grassy clearing in the woods. "How about this spot?" Ann asked.

"This looks good," Cris said hastily.

"Hold on," Ann giggled, "I'll hold your horse near this log so you can dismount."

Cris slid gratefully off the saddle and promptly sat down on the log. "You do this for fun?" she asked, looking up at Ann as if she were crazy.

Turning her back to Cris, Ann unloaded the lunch they had packed behind Meg's saddle. "Wait until after lunch. We'll be jumping fences then," she teased with a wink at Maggie.

Within a few minutes, they had spread a blanket on the ground and were eating while the horses were permitted to graze nearby.

"So, that was why Emily called you last week?" Maggie asked in between bites.

"I guess. We still haven't spoken." Ann tore a bit of bread off her sandwich and tossed it to a curious squirrel who was chattering at them from a nearby tree. A frown furrowed her brow. "I had already sent Emily an apology and a message to call me when she can, but then her parents called mine. It sounds as if she had gone into a serious depression, and her doctor was really worried about her." Ann absentmindedly took another bite of her sandwich.

"I can't imagine my family getting this involved if anything happened to me or Maggie," Cris said solemnly. "Do you know how Emily is now?"

Ann shook her head. "I'm still waiting for her to call. I'm trying to leave it in her control."

"How long will you wait?" Maggie asked, her head tilted to one side as she watched Ann's expression.

Ann thought about what her mother had told her of their conversation with Emily. "As long as it takes."

Maggie scoffed and shook her head. "Not me. I think I'd be about over this by now."

Ann glanced quickly at Cris, in time to see the shadow that passed over her expression. Maggie didn't seem to have noticed.

It turned out Ann didn't have to wait long. The telephone rang that evening about eight.

"Hi," came Emily's voice over the handset.

Ann dropped into a chair, and pressed her hand to her eyes. "Hi."

There was an awkward pause for a few seconds, then, "Thank you for the flowers. And the message. It meant… a lot to know how you feel," Emily murmured.

"I have a million questions," Ann said softly.

"I know. I'm not even sure where to start." She paused. "I know about Michael and why you never called at Christmas."

"I'm so sorry, Emily. When I found out what he'd done…"

"I was running to your hotel when my knee exploded… literally. I was unconscious for two days, and when I woke up… my leg is amputated," Emily said tentatively.

"I saw… is it cancer?"

"Yes. An osteosarcoma. I'm on chemo three days a week. I just got out of the hospital a couple of hours ago until next week."

Ann swallowed hard, not wanting to ask her next question. "What… what is your prognosis?" she finally managed to get out.

"It's good. Better than good. The doctors seem to think amputating immediately got it all. The chemo is more a precaution than anything." She thought she heard Ann crying. "Are you all right?" she asked quietly as her own throat tightened.

It was a few seconds before Ann could answer. "Yes." She took a deep breath. "I told you in my note that I would be here waiting." It was hard to talk. "What I don't know is if you still want me in your life?"

Emily closed her eyes. "Ann, there has never been anyone else. I don't think there ever could be."

"I'll come to be with you; I'll wait here for you. I just need for you to be honest with me about what it is you need now."

Ann could hear Emily breathing. Her own heart was pounding so hard it hurt.

"Would you understand if I asked you to wait there?" Emily asked so softly that Ann had to strain to hear. "I know it's asking a lot, more than I have any right to. I've got five weeks of chemo left, and then I'll be able to come to you."

"Five weeks?" Ann felt her disappointment more keenly than she would have expected. "I'll wait. But –"

 "I promise you, I will call you if anything changes," Emily said, reading her mind.

"All right."

"Ann? The flowers and your note… when I told you before they meant a lot… they meant everything… you mean everything to me."

"I love you, Emily."

Chapter 65

Emily's heart was pounding. The door to the room opened, and John, the prosthetist, walked in with her leg.

"Well, let's see how this fits," he said as he folded his long, lanky frame into a crouch in front of her chair. He held the prosthetic foot still on the floor as he instructed Emily in how to fit her thigh into the socket. He had her stand in the parallel bars with a loose elastic wrap spiraled around her limb and threaded through a small hole in the bottom of the socket. Putting weight on the prosthesis, she pushed her thigh down into the socket as she pulled the elastic wrap out through the hole, so that it pulled her all the way in with no skin caught along the edges. When the little valve cover was screwed back into the hole at the bottom of the socket, a suction seal was formed.

Emily picked the leg up, swinging it, getting used to the weight.

"Remember," John said, "this leg is only temporary as you learn how to walk with it, so the pipe will be exposed until you get your final leg."

"That's not a problem, as long as I'm able to walk," she assured him.

"Let's have you try a few steps," John said.

After a few laps up and down the bars, he made some adjustments in the alignment and then had her take the leg off to check her skin for any sore spots. Everything looked good. John put the leg into a large plastic bag and went to verify her appointment with her physical therapist to actually begin her training.

While she waited, she stared at her reflection in the full length mirror set at the end of the bars. She didn't recognize the person sitting down there. With only a few wispy curls left, she wore a baseball cap all the time lately. Her weight loss had leveled off now that the chemo was no longer making her so sick, but her cheeks were hollowed out and her eyes seemed to be set a little deeper.

John returned and walked her out to her car, putting the leg in the back seat. "Good luck," he said with a smile as he closed the door. Emily put the car in gear and smiled her thanks. Driving home, she felt like she was finally beginning her journey back to Ann.

Chapter 66

"You're sure you can afford to take a break?" Ann asked as Cris descended the stairs from her apartment and they walked downtown.

"I'll go nuts if I don't take a break," Cris laughed. "I don't know what I was thinking, teaching a summer creative writing course. The apartment is littered with papers I haven't read yet. It's a good thing Maggie went home. I don't think there's room for her in the apartment right now."

They had dinner and decided to go to a movie. Halfway through the film, Cris looked over at Ann in the strobing light reflected by the movie screen. While the rest of the audience sat tensely through a dramatic rescue scene, Ann was staring at the back of the seat in front of her.

"Let's go," Cris suggested, leaning close so Ann could hear her whisper.

Ann looked at her, startled out of her reverie. "No, we don't have to leave," she whispered apologetically, but Cris was already standing up. Ann followed. "I'm sorry," she apologized again once they were outside on Weston's Main street. The summer night was comfortably warm after the air conditioning inside.

"Let's get a coffee and go for a walk," Cris smiled, pointing toward a small coffee shop across the street.

Coffees in hand, they strolled down the sidewalk silently. Without Ann really paying attention to where they were going, Cris steered her toward the park and over to a bench in a quiet area, although most of the park was empty as it was after ten.

Cris sat, sipping her coffee, waiting.

"I'm not very good company lately, am I?" Ann said at last, glancing sideways at Cris.

"You've been… a bit distracted the last couple of weeks," Cris acknowledged, "ever since you and Emily talked."

"It's just been harder than I expected, knowing that she's back and not seeing her."

"And?"

"And what?" Ann asked, looking at Cris.

Cris gazed at Ann with the intuitive understanding Ann had come to expect from her, almost as if she could read Ann's thoughts. "You haven't really said how it made you feel to be asked to wait. You've only talked about how Emily is doing."

Ann broke eye contact, frowning at her coffee cup as she played with the sliding cover on the lid. "I'm trying to be patient. We've waited this long."

"But how do you feel about it?" Cris pressed.

"It hurts," Ann admitted in a low voice. "I want to be with her so much, and it seems she doesn't feel the same way, despite what she said." She ran her hand through her hair. "I just don't know. We haven't been together for months. Am I romanticizing what we had to such an extent that my expectations are unrealistic?"

Cris didn't respond right away. "That's not an easy question to answer, and it will only be answered in hindsight," she said thoughtfully. "In a few months, you are either going to look like an incredibly loyal, faithful person who knew that what you had was worth waiting for, or you will look like a fool for waiting for someone who never came back to you."

Whatever Ann might have expected Cris to say, this wasn't it. She laughed in disbelief. "Thanks a lot."

"Don't misunderstand me," Cris said quietly. "I can think of lots of worse ways of looking like a fool. Like staying with someone because it feels like the safe thing to do, not the right thing to do. Or staying with someone who is never going to love you with the depth and intensity that you've come to realize you need from a relationship."

Ann stared at her. "Cris," she asked hesitantly, "are you okay? Have I been intruding on you and Maggie too much? Have I interfered –"

"No," Cris said firmly. "Not the way you mean." She looked at Ann for a long moment. "I could fall in love with you very easily. I've come to admire and appreciate many things about you." She diverted her gaze out into the park. "But, in getting to know you, I have also come to realize that there are things I need from a relationship that just aren't there with Maggie. And I think she's realizing it, too." She sighed. "I would give – a leg?" she joked with a small smile, "for someone to speak of me the way you speak of Emily, to be willing to go through everything you've gone through for the hope that we could be together again. For someone to love me that much."

Ann didn't know what to say in the awkward silence that ensued.

"I'm sorry if I've embarrassed you," Cris said.

"You haven't embarrassed me, Cris," Ann said softly. "I'm just not sure what to do with what you told me," she admitted honestly.

"I don't want you to do anything with it," Cris smiled, meeting her gaze again, "I just wanted you to know how deeply I empathize with what you're going through, and how much I admire your refusal to give up."

"Right now, I wish I had your confidence that this will work out," Ann admitted. "You make me sound like some kind of saint, but I'll tell you… I've got all kinds of doubts. Why doesn't she want to be with me during such a critical time of her life? Why is she shutting me out?" Ann asked in frustration, her voice cracking a little.

Cris watched Ann's profile as she responded. "I can only guess based on what you've told us about Emily and her past, but I think she wants you with her more than anything in the world. She just doesn't trust you."

Ann's head snapped up. "Why would she not trust me? I haven't done anything –"

"It's not you," Cris corrected gently. "She won't let herself trust you."

"Why?" Ann asked helplessly.

"The last person she trusted that much abandoned her, left her alone and helpless in the face of events so cruel I can't imagine how she got through it by herself," Cris explained. "She fell in love with you, but just as she was probably beginning to trust you, you seemed to abandon her also, or so she thought when she went to Europe. Considering everything that's happened since then, what is there that would possibly make her feel it's safe to put her heart in your hands? She's more vulnerable than she's ever been, at least physically. Maybe she knows better than this now, after seeing her didn't scare you away, but can you imagine how frightening it would be to let someone you love, but have no history with, see you like that and take the chance she'd run the other way? It sounds as if Caroline called all the shots the last time. If I were Emily, no matter how much I wanted to be with you, I might feel the need to maintain whatever little bit of control I could. "

Ann thought about this for a long time. "I hadn't really thought about it like that," she admitted.

Cris reached over and squeezed her hand. "Be patient with her. It's only two or three more weeks."

Chapter 67

Emily stood leaning against her dresser, putting her leg on. Once she was in and the suction felt snug, she pulled up a pair of shorts. Taking a deep breath, she gripped her cane in her right hand and took her first steps completely on her own. For the past two weeks she had been practicing in physical therapy, trying stairs and outdoor obstacles like curbs and hills. Now she needed to start wearing the leg for longer periods of time. She was still very thin, and she hadn't realized how much the chemo had weakened her. She had had to build her endurance up slowly with the prosthesis. Some sessions were short when she was feeling sick from the chemo treatments.

She walked out to the kitchen to join her parents for breakfast. Remembering to pull back on the socket with her butt muscles to keep the knee stable, she made her entrance.

"Emily!" her mother exclaimed. "How wonderful!"

Emily grinned and hugged her mother. Robert, watching from the kitchen table, said, "I haven't seen you smile like that since I took the training wheels off your bike and you realized I wasn't holding on anymore."

Emily laughed aloud. "I guess that's how I feel, like I just got rid of my training wheels."

Elizabeth and her children, David and Cassie, came in the back door. During the summer, since both Robert and Maureen had the summers off, many mornings became leisurely times to visit and spend time with grandparents.

"Hey, look," Emily said and walked over to them.

"Way to go, Auntie Em!" David enjoyed teasing his aunt, knowing she hated to be called by that nickname. Emily snatched his baseball cap off his head before he could react and held it out of his reach.

"What was that, Davey?" she teased back.

He stood with his hands on his hips, looking much older than his ten years, and said, "You win, Aunt Emily." She gave him his cap and hugged her sister.

"You look great," Elizabeth said.

Cassie hung back, and made a wide circle around Emily.

"What's the matter, Cass?" Emily asked the eight-year-old as she sat at the table.

Cassie stood near her grandmother and shrugged, but said nothing. Taking a different approach, Emily turned back to David and tapped the pylon connecting her knee to her foot.

"Listen, David, you know what that's made of?" He shook his head as he flicked his finger against the pipe. "It's carbon fiber. It'll never rust and it's really light. Watch this."

She pushed a button, and the pipe swung sideways so she could rest the prosthetic foot on top of her other knee.

"Cool!" He was clearly impressed.

Cassie edged over to the table, ignored by the adults. She worked her way around until she could see. The adults carried on their conversation, and soon Cassie was sitting on Emily's right thigh staring curiously at the prosthesis. Emily showed her where the button was that allowed the knee to rotate.

Looking at Cassie's blonde curls and long eyelashes, Emily was struck with a profound sense of gratitude for her family's support through all this. Ever since her outburst during Katharine and Owen's visit, she had felt cleansed, as if she were recovering from something that had been poisoning her. She had found herself enjoying being with her family more than she could remember since she was very young. She regretted having isolated herself from them for so long.

David soon got restless and was delighted when Emily asked him if he wanted to play catch. He ran to dig up two baseball mitts and a ball from the sports bin in his grandparents' garage.

They went into the backyard and Emily dropped the cane where she could reach it. David had a good arm and he was able to handle some fast throws from Emily. She experimented with stepping forward into the throw and found that the knee wanted to buckle. She flipped the lever which was supposed to lock the knee to keep it from bending, and felt much more stable.

She threw fly balls and grounders until she had tired David out. As they turned to go back in, Emily tried to swing the prosthesis forward and suddenly found herself on the ground. David was terrified, as were the others who came running out of the house. Emily lay there laughing at herself.

"It's my fault," she explained after assuring them she was unhurt. "I forgot to unlock the knee and my toe got caught in the grass."

She waved them back, saying she wanted to get up by herself. From her hands and knees, she straightened her right knee with her rearend sticking up in the air, and walked her hands back towards her feet until she could stand. Flipping the lever back to its normal position, she mumbled, "I sure won't make that mistake again."

As they went back inside, Elizabeth mentioned that she was taking the kids to the pool and asked if Emily wanted to go along. Emily hurried to put her swimsuit and some other things in her gym bag. It felt like ages since she had done normal things that didn't revolve around her weekly chemo schedule.

She and Elizabeth spent the day talking, playing with the kids and soaking up sunshine. Weak as she still was, Emily felt stronger and healthier than she had in months, even before the amputation. She hadn't realized how much pain she had been in until it was gone.

That evening, she looked at herself in the mirror. She looked tired but jubilant, with a tan starting to replace her pallor. She took off her baseball cap. "Now if the damned hair would just grow back," she growled.

Chapter 68

'What a difference a year makes,' Emily thought from the back seat of her parents' car. It was mid-July, almost a year from when she had first come to Weston. She looked over at the prosthesis lying on the seat next to her. It had taken her several days after her last chemo treatment to feel strong enough for the move back to Vermont.

The last three days of chemo had seemed to drag on forever. By now, she was prepared for the fatigue and listlessness that accompanied the treatment, but she was so happy to be at the end of the longest twelve weeks of her life that she hardly noticed.

Dr. Hall had come in to check on her. Inspecting the IV, she said, "Well, Emily, your bloodwork all looks good, and your last bone scan shows no abnormal activity. Are you ready to leave us?"

"Oh my gosh, you have no idea," Emily responded emphatically. "I truly appreciate all you've done, but I am so ready to be done with this."

Dr. Hall smiled. "I don't blame you. What are your plans?"

"I'll be going back to Vermont as soon as I feel strong enough."

"Ann?" Dr. Hall asked, although she knew the answer.

Emily laughed out loud. "Ann. I've kept her waiting so long. I can't wait to see her."

Dr. Hall pulled a chair up next to Emily's bed. "I do want to talk to you before we discharge you," she said seriously. Emily shifted in bed to better face her. "When Dr. Schuler first contacted me, he was concerned that you were not exhibiting the typical grieving responses we would expect from someone who had experienced such a traumatic loss. As I got to know you a bit better, and learned more of your past from your parents, I developed a better appreciation for how strong a person you are." Her sharp eyes probed Emily's. "But, as we saw following Ann's visit, there are limits to what even you can handle on your own. I would seriously like for you to consider getting some counseling. There's a lot you haven't yet had a chance to face: returning to work and school, the day to day difficulties you'll face living in your own place, actually being with Ann. I'm just concerned that you may not be as okay as you seem."

Emily looked down at her hands. "I do tend to work through my problems internally, and that has gotten me in trouble at times. I know there's still a lot to deal with, and there will probably be times when it hits me unexpectedly. I haven't detached myself from all of this. I'm angry... but that doesn't change my reality, does it?" she asked, looking back up at Dr. Hall. "I will think about seeing someone." She paused for a few seconds. "'Thank you' seems so inadequate when you did so much more than treat my cancer. Would it be all right if I stayed in touch with you?"

Dr. Hall's eyes glistened just a little as she smiled. "I would be very disappointed if you didn't. I'm looking forward to hearing about everything you accomplish." She paused as she rose from her chair. "Oh, I checked into your hospital bills as you asked. Apparently, they've all been paid by some pharmaceutical firm from Boston, but not one affiliated with any of the drugs I've been treating you with. That's all I could find out."

After she was discharged, Emily set about packing up the books and other belongings that had returned to Pennsylvania with her. She had been in contact with Dr. Brooks weeks earlier, and arranged to resume a fall teaching load. And when she had called the Gundlachs, they had, as she had known they would, insisted that Emily's parents stay at the house for as long as they wished to remain in Weston. Mr. Gundlach had looked after Emily's car, driving it occasionally, and putting it in one of the out sheds to shelter it from the weather. She hadn't told them about the amputation or cancer over the phone; that would be easier to explain in person. A few days before they were planning on leaving, she had called Ann. She got the machine and left a message saying that, barring any unexpected delays, they would be at the Gundlachs' Thursday evening. She'd been so restless as the week dragged on that her father finally folded up his newspaper and said in mock exasperation, "Let's load up. It's a day early, but you are like a caged animal. You're driving your mother crazy." Emily laughed. He always blamed his own frustrations on Maureen.

Now, as they neared Weston, she debated whether to stop somewhere and put the prosthesis on prior to getting to town. It was too uncomfortable to sit with for such a long trip. She decided seeing her on crutches without a leg would be no less of a shock than seeing the bare carbon fiber pylon sticking out from her shorts. She had opted not to have it covered since the foam added almost three pounds of weight, and every ounce mattered when she was walking.

 At least her hair had started growing back. She ran her hand through her very short brown curls. She went without her hat some of the time now, but her scalp still sunburned easily, so she had to be careful. "I do not want to be treating you for skin cancer," Dr. Hall had warned her.

Her heart pounded faster as they got to Weston. She directed her father to the Gundlach house, keeping an eye out for Ann or her Land Cruiser, just in case. When they parked in front of the house under the big oak there, she could see Mrs. Gundlach's face peeking out from one of the windows. Stretching as she got out, Emily pulled her crutches out of the car and began hopping up the walk. As she had half-expected, Mrs. Gundlach stopped when she saw Emily. Then she rushed down the porch steps and hugged Emily, laughing and crying at the same time.

"I'm fine," Emily laughed, trying to reassure her. When Mrs. Gundlach finally let her go, Emily grinned and said, "I've got a few things to tell you."

Just then, Mr. Gundlach also came out onto the front porch. He hid his surprise a little better than his wife. Emily made the introductions with her parents. "Please, call me Margot," Mrs. Gundlach said, and Emily realized with amusement that she had never known her first name. "This is Karl. Come in, come in. Dinner is almost ready."

Robert and Mr. Gundlach carried Emily's suitcase and the few boxes of books she had brought with her up to her room. Emily and Maureen went to the kitchen with Mrs. Gundlach. Emily sat at the kitchen table rubbing Greta's head while the two older women finished getting the platters of food ready for the table.

Soon, they were all seated at the table, eating as Emily filled the Gundlachs in on the events of the past few months. Mrs. Gundlach's eyes got teary again, and Emily hastened to reassure her that she was healthy now. "The only thing I need is fattening up!"

"She came to the right house," Mr. Gundlach smiled, leaning toward Robert and Maureen.

Emily insisted on standing propped at the kitchen sink to wash dishes when dinner was over. Then they all went out to the screened porch for ice cream. Listening to her parents and the Gundlachs talking, Emily rocked in her chair, wondering where Ann was now. She was torn about calling her this evening. As badly as she wanted – needed – to see Ann, she wasn't sure she wanted the first time to be in front of  her parents and Mr. and Mrs. Gundlach.   

The next morning, Emily took her parents to the campus. She had gone back and forth between long pants and shorts, and had finally opted to bite the bullet and wear shorts. Might as well get everyone used to it. At the last minute, she took off the baseball cap and left it on her dresser. They had an appointment with Dr. Brooks at ten. They got to campus early, walking around the graceful old buildings. She showed them the graduate students' office, and was pleased to see the textbooks for this year's classes waiting for her at her old desk.

At ten, they went down to Dr. Brooks' office. He was very gracious with Robert and Maureen, and was very complimentary in his appraisal of Emily, both as a doctoral candidate and as a teacher. "I know that you are both teachers as well," he commented. "You must be very proud of her."

Robert looked over at her. "More than you know." Emily blushed deeply and changed the subject.

Dr. Brooks walked them out as he had another meeting at the dean's office across campus. When they reached the administration building, he paused to shake hands with Maureen and Robert, and asked Emily to make an appointment with him in a couple of weeks so they could discuss her fall classes and doctoral work. Just then, the door of the building opened, and three young women exited and came down the stairs.

"Ah, Miss Hight," Dr. Brooks smiled. "I trust you remember Miss Warner? She'll be back with us this fall."

Time seemed to stand still. All Emily knew was that here was Ann at last, standing in front of her. If possible, she was even more beautiful than Emily remembered. In what was really just a split second, Ann's eyes took in everything: Emily's hair, her face, the prosthesis. Vaguely, Emily was aware of the two other women standing behind Ann.

With Dr. Brooks standing there, and no time to compose something more meaningful, all Emily could say was, "Hello, Ann. It's good to see you."

Ann fought to keep her expression neutral. "Hello, Emily," she replied. Tearing her gaze away from Emily's, Ann turned to Robert and Maureen. "Mr. and Mrs. Warner?" she said warmly, shaking hands with each of them. "I'm very pleased to meet you."

Taking their cue from Emily and Ann, Robert and Maureen tried not to divulge anything in front of Dr. Brooks. Holding Ann's hand in both of his, Robert said, "It's good to finally meet you, Ann."

Chapter 69

Maureen looked at Emily worriedly. She hadn't said anything on their way back to the car. When they got in, she finally broke the silence. "Emily, are you all right?"

Emily seemed to just realize her parents were there. "I'm fine," she said, rubbing her hand over her head. "I just never expected that to happen."

"Well, we finally got to meet Ann," her father said, looking at her in the rearview mirror as he drove back to the Gundlach house.

Emily closed her eyes with a groan. "I'm sorry I didn't introduce you. I was tongue-tied. I didn't know what to say."

Robert smiled. "It's all right. There will be plenty of time for us to get to know her. You two have a lot to talk about."

"Where to start?" Emily sounded worried. "I feel like a lifetime has passed since I last saw her."

Robert pulled to a stop in front of the Gundlach house. "Please don't say anything to the Gundlachs just yet," Emily requested. "They really like Ann, and won't understand why I don't just call her and invite her over."

Mrs. Gundlach was just finishing a large bowl of homemade chicken salad for sandwiches. As they all sat down for lunch, Mr. Gundlach said, "Miss Emily, Mama and I have a great favor to ask of you. Our daughter, Hannah, and her partner just had a new baby, and we would love to go for a short visit. Normally, this would not be possible, with the animals. But –"

"Excuse me?" Emily cut in. "What – Hannah and Jan?"

"Yes," Mrs. Gundlach replied.

"All this time I thought Hannah and Jan were two of your daughters," Emily said in disbelief.

"Well, in a way, they are," Mrs. Gundlach insisted.

Emily laughed aloud. "So Ann and I haven't hidden anything from you?"

Mrs. Gundlach's eyebrows went up. "Not very well." She smiled. "We didn't want to say anything if you were uncomfortable talking about it."

Emily laughed again. "I didn't mean to interrupt, Mr. Gundlach."

"Do you think you could look after the animals for a few days? You must promise to tell us if you think it would be too difficult for you."

Emily considered. "I think I could do it. The cattle stay out in the fields all night now, don't they? And the mares, too. So really it'll just be feeding the chickens and gathering the eggs." Greta whined and shoved her head under Emily's elbow. "And how could I forget you?" she smiled.

"Oh thank you so much," Mrs. Gundlach beamed. "I've got the refrigerator full of food. All you have to do is heat things up."

"I think I can handle that much," Emily assured her, grinning.

The Gundlachs went to pack as soon as they were done eating. Robert and Maureen both watched Emily closely. "We will do whatever you want," Robert said. "If you want privacy, we can head back this afternoon also. If you want us to stay, we will."

Emily thought about it for a few minutes. "I know I'll want to tell you about it later, but it will probably be easier to talk to Ann alone." She looked up at both of them. "Are you sure that's okay?"

"Of course it is," Maureen reassured her. "We'll go pack."

Chapter 70

An hour later, Emily and Greta were all alone. Emily picked up the phone and put it down probably five times. "Should I call her or wait for her to call me?" Emily asked Greta out loud. Finally, she picked the telephone up again and dialed Ann's number. She got the machine, and, in a shaky voice, said, "Ann, this is Emily. I'm alone at the Gundlachs' house for the next few days. Please call or come over whenever you can. It doesn't matter what time it is."

She went upstairs to unpack her clothes and books. That didn't take long, and then she wandered aimlessly around the house. Too restless to sit and watch television, she decided to walk out to the pasture and say hello to the horses. Greta came with her. It took a little more concentration to walk on uneven terrain, and she had to be careful where she placed her feet. At the sound of her voice, Molly and Snow came ambling over, pushing their huge grey heads over the fence for pats and scratches. She had brought carrots for each of them, and stood there talking to them as they crunched. They started and trotted away as Greta began barking in the direction of the house. Emily turned and saw Ann coming around the back of the house.

 Greta raced to Ann to greet her. With her heart in her throat, Emily walked as fast as she dared. 'Don't fall on your face before you even get a chance to say hello,' she told herself. As she got closer, she suddenly felt self-conscious about her appearance. She stopped a couple of paces away, not sure what to do.

Ann came to her, and as she drew near, she reached up and tenderly brushed her hand along Emily's cheek. Emily's apprehension melted away, and she wrapped her arms around Ann. Ann's embrace was more hesitant.

"You won't hurt me," Emily murmured. Reassured, Ann tightened her arms around Emily's prominent ribs. They stood like that for a long time. Emily filled her lungs with the scent of Ann's hair and perfume, her hands running over Ann's back and shoulders, up into her hair. "I can't believe you're finally back in my arms," she breathed.

Ann pulled away enough to look at her and answered, "Believe it," before she pressed her lips against Emily's in a tender kiss.

When they parted, Emily drank in every detail of Ann's face, saying, "I will never take this for granted."

Ann took Emily's hand and said, "Let's go inside. We need to talk." Emily followed her up the porch steps, taking one at a time.

"Would you like something to drink?" Emily asked.

"I think I could use some wine if there is any," Ann said as she sat at the table, watching Emily move around the kitchen.

"I'll look." She could feel Ann's eyes on her as she went to the refrigerator. "There's some Riesling."

 "That sounds good. Thank you."

The politeness was maddening, but at least they were talking. Emily brought the bottle and two glasses to the table and hesitated, finally choosing to sit across from Ann.

"Thank you for coming over." Emily said. Ann's eyes were a dark blue-grey. "I'm not sure where we should start." Her hands were trembling as she struggled to get the corkscrew in place.

"Here, let me," Ann said gently, taking the bottle and the corkscrew from her. Their fingers touched and the contact was electric. Emily wasn't sure her heart could take much more of this. The hours of adrenaline since their morning encounter were taking their toll on her weakened system. Ann handed her a full glass of wine.

"Let's start at Christmas," Ann said, pouring herself a glass of wine also. "What made you write that note in the first place?"

Emily looked down at her wine glass, stroking a fingertip over the frost gathering there, sweeping it away. "In the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas, after the incident with Michael, you seemed so reluctant to talk about family. It seemed you were really struggling, and I felt like I was pushing you into something you weren't ready for. It had taken me years to get to the point of being able to tell my family, but I was asking you to do it after just a few months. Dr. Brooks had mentioned the job in Zurich, and it seemed like a good backup plan to give us time apart if you couldn't bring yourself to tell your family. And when I didn't hear from you, I assumed you were giving me your answer."

She raised her eyes to Ann's. "Your parents told me Michael had confronted you about us, but they didn't know exactly what he said to you."

Ann took a sip of wine before she responded. "It was ugly. He called my feelings for you a perverted infatuation and told me I'd obviously never been with a real man. He said it would kill Mom and Dad." She lowered her gaze, frowning. "I had gone home intending to tell them right away, but after he said that… I did tell them," she said, looking back up. "It just took me longer, and by then you were gone." Without intending it, a trace of bitterness crept into her voice.

"I know," Emily said softly. "I'm sorry I left you like that."

"In March, when he slipped and finally admitted what he'd done, I got on the first plane to Zurich to find you, but…"

"It was Laura you saw me with," Emily anticipated where Ann was going. "She was there for a visit, that's all. There was never anything between us. I left her sitting in my flat when I got your message."

Ann leaned forward. "What happened? I still don't understand."

"My knee had been swollen for weeks," Emily explained. "I didn't realize what it was. That night, when the bone gave way and I fell, I cracked my head and was out for a couple of days. When I woke up, the leg was gone."

"Did you try to call me then?" Ann asked.

Emily looked back down at her wineglass where the sunlight filtering through it produced a dancing reflection on the table top. "No," she admitted.

Ann ran her finger around the rim of her glass. "And then you came back to the States to begin chemo?"

"Yes."

Ann was breathing a little faster, and there was a slight flush to her cheeks. "But you still didn't call me." It wasn't a question. "Not until my parents came to see you and basically gave you no choice did you call."

"Yes," Emily repeated lamely.

"Why?" Ann asked quietly.

The following silence felt very loud to Emily. She looked down again, and squeezed her wine glass until her knuckles were white. "For most of the time I've known you, I was such a mess. I wasn't good for much of anything.  Then when I found our being apart was all a mistake, all I wanted to do was beg you to forgive me for leaving you like that with no explanation, but… I had no leg, my hair was falling out, I was vomiting my guts out four or five days a week, then getting over it in time to start it all again." She paused for a moment, then said, "Ann, you deserve so much more than I could – "

Emily was interrupted when Ann stood abruptly, her chair flying backwards, and slammed her wine glass against the table, sending wine and glass shards skittering across the wooden top.

"Don't tell me I deserve to have something better than you!" she shouted. Her chest heaved with her breathing. "You might remember that our relationship was born when you were frail and broken and willing to let yourself need me. No one had ever done that with me before."

Ann paced now, her fists clenched. "I am not some goddamned statue that needs to be protected. I need to be loved, not worshiped. I thought you understood that. I could have had all the worship I wanted with a man." She stood still and looked at Emily, her eyes still angry. When she spoke again, her voice was dangerously quiet. "You did understand that once. Since you've been gone you've put me up on some pedestal, and what? You'll profess that you love me enough to die for me? You nearly did that, Emily."

She came to the table and placed her hands on it, leaning toward Emily. "I'll tell you what I deserve. I deserve to be loved by someone who won't shut me out. I deserve to be loved by someone whom I can trust absolutely will be there to take care of me when I need it, and trusts me back to be there when she needs it. I need someone who will share with me, the big things and the meaningless little things that a life together is made up of. I need someone who blends with me so completely that together we make something finer and better than anything either of us could be on our own."

 She stood up, tall and imperious. For all her insistence that she wasn't a statue to be worshiped, she struck Emily at that moment like a goddess, her beauty at once terrible and magnificent. "If you can be that person for me, then we have a future together. Think about it." And with that, she turned and started to leave.

"Ann!" Emily cried out. She tried to get up quickly, but her prosthetic foot got caught on the table leg, and she fell, sprawled across the floor. Ann did not rush to help. Emily ground her teeth in embarrassment and shame, and tried to twist the prosthesis around so that she could get back up on her feet. By the time she was standing, Ann was gone.

Chapter 71

The next morning, Ann answered a soft knock on her door.

"Are you alone?" Maggie asked softly.

"Oh, yes, I'm alone," Ann replied with a harsh half-laugh as she stepped back to let them in.

 "How are you?" Cris asked anxiously. "Have you spoken to Emily?"

Ann didn't answer immediately as she went into the kitchen to pour two more cups of coffee. "I was such an ass," Ann groaned as she sat back down at the table with them.

"What happened?"

Ann sat with her head cradled in her hands. "We were talking, things were good. She was explaining what happened in Zurich, and before I knew it, I was demanding to know why she hadn't called me sooner. And then… I smashed a wine glass, I shouted at her and when she fell trying to get up from the table, I walked out."

"She fell, and you walked out?" Maggie asked in disbelief.

"All I needed was for her to say she needed me, to ask for my help, but she couldn't do it," Ann replied sadly.

 "Let's back up a minute," Cris said calmly. "When you asked her why she hadn't called you earlier, what did she say?"

Ann slumped back in her chair. "She was explaining about the amputation, and then coming home to start her chemo, and how she was sick and losing her hair, and… then she tried to tell me I deserved more than she could give me. That's when I lost it."

"And now you feel guilty about yelling at her?" Cris guessed.

"She's been through so much," Ann said.

"So have you," Cris pointed out. "You've been through your own hell. Being sick didn't turn Emily into a saint, Ann. There may have been reasons for what she did, but that doesn't mean you don't have the right to feel angry at being left out. Emily's whole world has been focused on her cancer, on her treatments. I would imagine everything else in her life has revolved around that focus for the last few months."

"Don't you think that's pretty normal considering what she's been through?" Ann asked.

"Of course," Cris answered, "but now, the chemotherapy is over, and she's returning to the reality of everyday life as someone who was sick. She needs to reset her self-image to a more normal frame of reference. It may have been a good thing someone got angry with her. I'll bet no one has for quite a while."

Ann was sipping her coffee silently, thinking about this when the phone rang. "Hello?" she answered.

"Hi." Emily's voice sounded far away. "I was going to come over to see you, but I can't."

"Why not?" Ann winced a bit as that came out more harshly than she had intended.    

A few seconds of silence, then, "I forgot my car's a stick shift. I can't drive it." Ann closed her eyes and smiled. Cris and Maggie couldn't hear, but were watching Ann's face. Emily's voice continued. "Then I thought about walking to your apartment, but I hurt my leg when I fell yesterday, and I don't think I can wear the prosthesis for a few days. I could come on my crutches, but I'd get there sometime tomorrow. So… I was wondering if you would be willing to come back over here?"

"I'll be there soon." Ann hung the phone up.

Cris came over and wrapped an arm around Ann's shoulders. "Good luck," she said with a kiss on the cheek, and she and Maggie left.

Ann got her keys, and drove over to the Gundlachs'. Emily opened the front door before she could knock. She stood there on her crutches, her wispy curls still damp from her shower. Wordlessly, Ann came in and pushed the door shut. She took Emily in her arms, letting the crutches fall and kissed her hard. Emily kissed her back fiercely, wrapping her arms around Ann's neck. Ann bent and slipped her arm under Emily's leg, picking her up and carrying her upstairs.

"I didn't know you were that strong," Emily said softly, as Ann laid her down on her bed.

"I've never felt that strong." Ann answered, looking down at Emily. Sitting next to her on the mattress, Ann brushed her fingers over Emily's face, over her cheeks which were still hollowed out, over her lips and up into her soft curls. Emily lay still, her eyes never leaving Ann's, as Ann unbuttoned her shirt and opened it to expose her thin torso. Ann's hands ran from her breasts to her hips, down over her legs, massaging and gently kneading Emily's stump. To Emily's relief, there was no pity in Ann's eyes, only an intense desire. She let Ann finish undressing her, sliding her shorts and underwear over her hips. Ann silently undressed herself as Emily watched hungrily, and then lay down gently on top of her.

"I'm not hurting you, am I?" she asked as Emily wrapped her tightly in her arms, the exquisite softness of Ann's breasts pressing against her.

"No, but I wouldn't care if you were. It might feel less like a dream," she whispered, rubbing her cheek against Ann's.

"No more dreams," Ann insisted, lifting her head so she could look at Emily. "This is real." She kissed her hard again. They made love passionately, explosively, as months of frustration and loneliness and longing were expressed by their hands and mouths and bodies.

Afterward, Emily lay trembling and exhausted, her head resting on Ann's shoulder, half draped across Ann's body.  Ann's hands caressed Emily, moving gently over her arms, her face, everywhere she could reach, as if she needed to imprint Emily's features into her tactile memory.

"Are you all right?" Ann asked as she felt Emily's rapid heartbeat against her own ribs.

"My stamina isn't what it used to be," Emily replied weakly. "And that was a little intense."

Ann sat up and looked tenderly at Emily. "Let's get dressed, and I'll get you something to eat."

Ann picked Emily up to carry her back downstairs to the foyer where her crutches still lay where they had fallen. Emily was looking at Ann as if she had never seen her before. Ann looked at her out of the corner of her eye as they descended the stairs. "It's not that big a deal. You're a lot lighter now."

Emily snorted with laughter. Ann just smiled. Picking up her crutches, Emily hopped into the kitchen, where Ann got out some of Mrs. Gundlach's leftovers and began heating them. In a few minutes, they were seated at the table with plates of ham, sweet potatoes and peas.

Throughout, Emily was still watching Ann as if examining her. She was, if anything, more beautiful to Emily than she had been, but there was something else, a steeliness that had never been there before.

"What is it?" Ann asked as she sat.

"You've changed." Emily replied. "There's something different about you."

"I am different," Ann agreed. "I've never had my heart broken before." At Emily's guilty expression, she went on, "That wasn't meant to be an accusation. Circumstances were… it happened. But I've had to learn how to deal with pain I had never experienced before. I know I don't have to tell you about living with pain."

They ate for a few minutes in silence, then Ann asked, "You've thought about what I said yesterday?"

"All night," Emily replied. "I realized that, to a certain extent, I've idolized you for as long as I've known you, but not for the reasons you think – not because of your physical beauty, but because of all the things you are: you are the most compassionate, the most honest and most loving – the best person I have ever known." She looked down at her plate, pushing her peas around with her fork. "I missed you so much while I was in Europe, that I think I elevated you even higher in my memories of you. And then after the surgery and all during chemo, I clung to the image of you like a savior. I was obsessed with the goal of getting better to come back to you, but in my mind it was always coming back to you whole. Never, not once in any of my dreams of coming back to you, did I look like this." She forced herself to look back up, falling into the depths of Ann's eyes. "I was terrified of letting you see me like that. If I had thought rationally about all the qualities I love in you, I probably would have known that letting you see me so weak and so disgusting and so… mutilated wouldn't have frightened you off, wouldn't have made you turn around and walk away, but if you had…" Her throat got tight, and she had to look out the window and take a few deep breaths. "Aren't you bothered by all this?" she asked, waving a hand vaguely at herself.

Ann looked at her with a mix of frustration and compassion. "How could you even think that any of that would change how I feel about you? My entire life people have judged me by my looks. You were the first person to see past that to what really matters. Don't you know how beautiful you are to me? Why would you think a missing limb would alter my feelings for you?"

When Emily could trust her voice again, she said softly, "I'm sorry I hurt you by shutting you out. Please tell me it's not too late for me to be the person you need."

Ann pushed her plate aside. "When I first told you I loved you, you asked me to consider whether I loved you enough to be married to you. You needed to know that I loved you enough to risk alienating my family if it came to that."

Emily nodded. "I remember."

"Well, I need to ask you now, if you love me enough to be married to me?" She reached over to take Emily's hand in both of hers. "And before you simply say yes, I want you to really think about what that means. I know we haven't actually made vows to one another, but being married to me means no more lies. It means in sickness and in health. It means trusting my love enough to let go of all the barriers you've put up to protect yourself. I know that leaves you vulnerable, but that's part of loving someone, Emily. You have to be willing to expose yourself to the risk of being hurt again. Can you do that?"

Ann's face suddenly swam as Emily's eyes filled with tears and spilled over. "You are offering me everything I've ever longed for. I don't know if I can do the same for you."

Ann came around the table to kneel in front of Emily. With tears running down her own cheeks, she took Emily's face in her hands and said, "When I fell in love with you, I knew I had found what I had been hungering for my entire life; no more looking through windows. You are everything I need. You, just as you are."

"I love you more than I could ever tell you," Emily said softly.

Ann brought Emily's lips to hers for a long, passionate kiss. As they parted, she handed Emily her crutches. "Come back upstairs with me," she smiled.  "We've got lots of catching up to do."

The End

About the Author

Caren was raised in Ohio, the oldest of four children. Her favorite books were the Black Stallion stories and Nancy Drew mysteries. When she finally realized Nancy and George were never going to get together, she decided to start writing her own stories where she could create the endings she liked. She completed a degree in foreign languages and later another degree in physical therapy. For the past twenty years, she has practiced physical therapy in Virginia where she lives with her partner of eighteen years and their three canine fur-children. She is the author of GCLS Award winner Looking Through Windows.

Book Back Summary

Looking Through Windows

Everything can change in a second and nothing is ever the same.

Emily had to rebuild her life… her sense of self. How far would she go to hold onto a dream?

Emily Warner moves to Vermont hoping for a fresh start. Anything to forget the past four years. She didn’t plan on the past finding her. And she didn’t plan on Ann Hight. Ann helps Emily through a crisis, and re-awakens emotions Emily thought she would never experience again. For Ann, what she begins to feel for Emily promises everything she never knew she needed. Just when it seems they’ve found the love they’ve yearned for, fate conspires to tear them apart. Even if they can somehow hang on despite all the obstacles thrown at them, Emily still has to face the biggest obstacle of all – herself.

*  *  *

Thank You for Purchasing and Reading.

L-Book ePublisher, LLC

http://L-Book.com

Table of Contents

Looking Through Windows

First Page

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

Chapter 31

Chapter 32

Chapter 33

Chapter 34

Chapter 35

Chapter 36

Chapter 37

Chapter 38

Chapter 39

Chapter 40

Chapter 41

Chapter 42

Chapter 43

Chapter 44

Chapter 45

Chapter 46

Chapter 47

Chapter 48

Chapter 49

Chapter 50

Chapter 51

Chapter 52

Chapter 53

Chapter 54

Chapter 55

Chapter 56

Chapter 57

Chapter 58

Chapter 59

Chapter 60

Chapter 61

Chapter 62

Chapter 63

Chapter 64

Chapter 65

Chapter 66

Chapter 67

Chapter 68

Chapter 69

Chapter 70

Chapter 71

About the Author

Book Back Summary

Table des matières

Looking Through Windows

First Page

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

Chapter 31

Chapter 32

Chapter 33

Chapter 34

Chapter 35

Chapter 36

Chapter 37

Chapter 38

Chapter 39

Chapter 40

Chapter 41

Chapter 42

Chapter 43

Chapter 44

Chapter 45

Chapter 46

Chapter 47

Chapter 48

Chapter 49

Chapter 50

Chapter 51

Chapter 52

Chapter 53

Chapter 54

Chapter 55

Chapter 56

Chapter 57

Chapter 58

Chapter 59

Chapter 60

Chapter 61

Chapter 62

Chapter 63

Chapter 64

Chapter 65

Chapter 66

Chapter 67

Chapter 68

Chapter 69

Chapter 70

Chapter 71

About the Author

Book Back Summary

Table of Contents

Looking Through Windows

First Page

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

Chapter 31

Chapter 32

Chapter 33

Chapter 34

Chapter 35

Chapter 36

Chapter 37

Chapter 38

Chapter 39

Chapter 40

Chapter 41

Chapter 42

Chapter 43

Chapter 44

Chapter 45

Chapter 46

Chapter 47

Chapter 48

Chapter 49

Chapter 50

Chapter 51

Chapter 52

Chapter 53

Chapter 54

Chapter 55

Chapter 56

Chapter 57

Chapter 58

Chapter 59

Chapter 60

Chapter 61

Chapter 62

Chapter 63

Chapter 64

Chapter 65

Chapter 66

Chapter 67

Chapter 68

Chapter 69

Chapter 70

Chapter 71

About the Author

Book Back Summary