Learning The Ropes

A Basic Guide to Safe and Fun BDSM Lovemaking

Version 2.0

By

Race Bannon

First published in 1992

Copyright © 1992, 2012 by Race Bannon

Foreword to Version 1.0 by Guy Baldwin

Foreword to Version 2.0 by Frank Strona

Published by Race Bannon

www.Bannon.com

All rights reserved. However, if you can't afford the price of the book, go ahead and read it anyway. I'm not a big fan of DRM. But please do tell other people about the book if you like it whether you pay for it or not. Any income I do receive from this book allows me to do much other good work. So for those who do buy this work, your patronage is much appreciated.

Categories into which this book can be filed: (1) Sex (2) Sexuality (3) Alternative Sexuality (4) BDSM (5) Kink

You may replicate pieces of this book online, but if you do please link back to www.Bannon.com also. If you plan to use more than few paragraphs, I would appreciate it if you'd send me an email at www.Bannon.com to let me know.

Cover photograph by Mike Pierce and Race Bannon

Cover design by Race Bannon

To all those brave individuals who have blazed the trail leading to erotic freedom. I salute you all.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments for Version 1.0

Acknowledgments for Version 2.0

Foreword to Version 1.0

Foreword to Version 2.0

About Version 2.0

Words, Words, Words

Preface

Introduction

The Sensual World of BDSM

BDSM In The Real World

BDSM As Erotic Theater

Discovering How BDSM Fits Into Your Life

BDSM Technique

The Playground of the Mind

BDSM Gear

Finding BDSM Partners

Tips and Advice

Safety

The Next Step

Conclusion

Bannon.com

About The Author

Acknowledgments for Version 1.0

No one writes alone. I thank Guy Baldwin for encouraging me to write about BDSM and guiding me with loving honesty. Wes Lockwood and Andrew Irish deserve credit for being part of my life as I was learning so much of what this book contains. I want to thank Karen Kircher, Gayle Rubin and Nan Borrows for connecting me to the women's and heterosexual BDSM communities. Tony DeBlase has been inspirational in my desire to educate the masses about BDSM. Thanks to Richard Sauer-Wooden for the book’s title. My father raised me as an independent thinker and I will always love him for that. To Kevin Lockwood, my closest and dearest friend, for simply being there whenever I needed him. To my partner, Mike Pierce, for his constant support. And to my editor, Richard Labonte, for his expertise.

Acknowledgments for Version 2.0

I continue to thank everyone acknowledged in the original Version 1.0 of this book. In addition, I’d like to thank many people who’ve come into my life since then and contributed, even if in a tangential manner, to this version of the book. J.D. Slater showed me yet another side of this wonderful world. Many thanks to Frank Strona for kindly agreeing to write the foreword to this version. Chris Martinez has allowed me to explore the BDSM realm in ways I had not previously considered. Patrick Mulcahey and Leland Carina have provided me constant intellectual stimulation when it comes to the topic of BDSM. Dr. Gloria Brame constantly inspires me with her wisdom and insight. And finally, thanks to my partners, Mike Pierce and Jim Knight, for their constant support and love.

Foreword to Version 1.0

It has always been mystifying to me that human cultural groups are so intolerant of behavioral diversity. Nowhere does this intolerance reveal itself more dramatically than when one group evaluates and then condemns the erotic behaviors of another group simply because they are different.

Honesty about one’s erotic differentness risks condemnation. Consequently, the erotically diverse have tended to hide this truth about themselves. Isolation has been the unhappy result for all the erotic minorities: homosexuals, fetishists, sadomasochists and others. Simply put, hiding in closets is toxic and produces emotional pain.

Truth–accurate information, has proven to be the single most valuable tool for unlocking and opening the closet doors behind which the erotic minorities have sought safety at such a terrible price. As useful information has become available to the erotic minorities, their isolation from each other and from the rest of the world has slowly begun to end. This happy development has been made possible by a dedicated and brave vanguard of social scientists, journalists, publishers and writers who have been willing to come forward with the truth about the realities of erotic diversity.

In this honest and simply written book, Race Bannon provides an easy-going invitation into the experience of BDSM eroticism for those who are interested in exploration there. No one else has attempted to open a doorway into this erotic style in such a gentle way. Take your time as you read what follows, and try to think carefully about what Race is sharing with you, and especially the spirit in which he shares it.

Guy Baldwin, M.S.

Marriage and Family Therapist

1992

Foreword to Version 2.0

The curious and adventurous seeker has always had limited opportunities and avenues open to them to explore creative and fun ways that enhance the art of lovemaking that moves beyond the traditional. This was especially evident back in the late 80’s and early 90’s to those who wanted to move beyond the monthly "Cosmo’s sex tips" or Xaviera Hollander's sex tips in the Happy Hooker.

But all was not lost. Legendary fetish themed magazines, such as Drummer, SandMutopian Guardian and DungeonMaster were on the scene to offer other ways to see lovemaking sex. This family of "print-based fetish" provided some of the earliest visual and instructional motivation for those with the access to them. Yet a hole still existed for the seeker who desired a simple, straightforward roadmap to help navigate a new and often scary journey.

In 1992, Race Bannon introduced Learning The Ropes to an emerging progressive se movement and offered to fill this "hole" with his simple, straightforward "Guide to Safe and Fun S/M Lovemaking." The brilliance of the early editions lie in that it perfectly spoke to men, women, trans, gay, straight and those with queer sensibilities alike.

For many of us, Learning The Ropes was likely one of the first bound books, which spoke to us in an authoritative manner, balanced with easy to understand language and scenarios. Welcoming us to laugh, explore and take a chance within the safety of its pages.

Being asked to write the forward for the new edition to Race’s Learning The Ropes, was the perfect way for me to give praise to Race Bannon for his dedication and commitment to supporting the rights of personal expression that allows for sex, passion and creativity to be a significant part of a lived-life experience.

I imagine that many of you may be like me, and still have an original copy or two on a bookshelf somewhere. It never fails to make me smile when looking up at my library and I come across it. Remembering the many fond memories of joy, pride, tears and yes even the occasional moment of panic when an "oops" in a scene pushed me back into its pages for a check-in. Learning The Ropes has traditionally always been the book that was first out of my lips when a client or a friend inquired about how to enter the arena of SM/fetish and was hoping to find a way to ease into this often scary and overwhelming process.

For over 20 years I’ve referred to Learning The Ropes as the perfect "bedside" reader for the new player. In fact, I would say that even for those of us with more than a few years under our "play-belts," Learning The Ropes is a great reminder of the core elements that served as a foundation for our passions. Learning The Ropes is perfectly suited to be read cover to cover or by individual chapters. It allows the reader to take the journey at his or her own pace as the questions come up instead of the more linear chapter by chapter format that most of us experienced in school. Learning The Ropes’s language and style draws you in, asking you to discover more about yourself and your awareness of the people around you.

In this new edition, Race has not only freshened it up a bit to keep its contemporary feel; he again breaks new ground by offering it in an ebook form. The new Learning The Ropes strongly speaks to Race’s multi-talented and generous commitment to self-learning, pleasure and understanding of sex as an important part of the human experience.

I invite you today to jump into the new Learning The Ropes. Open it and start on any chapter. Look at it as a beloved reminder of our history. One that invites the reader, both new and old, to explore the many ways that SM can be expressed.

Learning The Ropes isn’t just any "new edition" by an author looking to capitalize on the glory of what once was. Rather, it documents the diverse ways that love, sex and pleasure exist in our lives. Race adds to a legacy of voices and storytellers that advocate the strengths that grace, humor and creativity play in sex, SM and creative sexual encounters.

Frank Strona, MPH

Frank Strona is part of a growing movement of community inspired, public health visionaries who see the importance of positive expressions of pleasure, sex, technology, social media and staying "state-of-the-art" as integral to creating strong networks that support people to thrive and explore.

His portfolio of projects include a 20-year history of innovative sexual expression, writings, training and public speaking that promote pleasure, sexual health, communication and diversity. For more information on his professional work follow him on twitter @FVStrona. His more individual, sexual social commentary blog www.CyberRelate.com (@CyberRelate) offers a mash up of sex, fetish, promotion and social thoughts geared to gay and bi men.

About Version 2.0

I’m a reader. Reading has always been the primary way I’ve learned things. In 1991, I envisioned a need for a book that would gently and quickly introduce people to the world of BDSM sexuality that I loved so much. A world where people can enjoy their wildest fantasies in a safe and fun way. The first version of this book was the result. It proved to be a bestseller in the genre and sparked an unprecedented stream of books on similar topics. That's something of which I'm quite proud.

It’s approximately 20 years later and a lot has changed. Information about BDSM is much more prevalent and easy to access. The internet holds an incredible array of information about BDSM and countless other forms of adventurous sex. Dozens of books have been published about BDSM and its practice. Clubs and organizations throughout the world now offer classes, workshops and discussion groups about BDSM. As I write this, a BDSM erotica romance novel has catapulted to the top of the New York Times and Amazon bestseller lists. To some extent, BDSM has gone mainstream.

In spite of the prevalence of information, I still think there’s a need for a book like this. A simple and concise introduction to BDSM. So, I offer you this new version. I hope you find it useful.

The modern BDSM community is far more advanced and knowledgeable than in the past. Times have changed and this book is my attempt to keep up with the changes. And I’ve changed. My perspective is different today than it was when I originally wrote this book. Hopefully this book will continue to be a valued resource for those seeking basic, solid advice about BDSM and how to do it well.

As I learn new things or develop a new perspective, I plan to continue to update this book in the future. The new ebook format allows for much easier updates. One way to keep up with my always evolving perspective on BDSM and other sexualities is to visit my web site at www.Bannon.com. I post blog entries there regularly and the site contains a lot of other good information. I hope you'll give my web site a look. If you're interested in the other work that I do, visit my other web site at www.RaceBannon.com.

Enjoy, and remember, if you’re not having fun, you’re not doing it right.

Words, Words, Words

As I was working on the draft of this 2.0 version, I decided to pose a question on a social media site. I asked my circle of friends on that site (most of them kinky to some extent) whether they like the acronym SM, S/M or S&M better when referring to the style of sexuality this book talks about. I was considering a revision to the subtitle of this book to be more current and I put the question out into the virtual ether to get some input. I got a lot. Some people had some very strong feelings about their terminology.

As a result of the input, I changed the subtitle of this book slightly. Rather than use the S/M acronym for the style of sexuality this book addresses, I now use BDSM (the acronym for bondage, dominance and sadomasochism). I canvassed a lot of people and most who provided input seem to feel that the majority of folks who partake in such sexual expression relate best to the BDSM term these days. So in keeping with my inner directive to keep this book as relevant as possible, I've changed the subtitle and used BDSM throughout the book. If you prefer different terminology, simply mentally swap yours with mine as you read. It shouldn't impact the content at all.

Preface

About 40 years ago I first became aware of BDSM and my attraction to it. Embracing those new feelings was difficult. I attempted to reject them repeatedly, but to no avail. Luckily, my erotic interests spanned a broad spectrum and I was able to distract myself with a variety of other sexual interests. But BDSM still maintained its fascination for me.

As one might test the temperature of bath water, I slowly eased into BDSM play with a great deal of caution. As I entered my young adulthood, my first few experiences were not good. Not dangerous or particularly risky, but not satisfying. Those first experiences slowed down my explorations. I retreated to the comfortable sexuality I already knew well and my BDSM interests were put on a back burner.

Inevitably, my desire for BDSM emerged again and I ventured forth into the world looking for that then elusive magical experience I knew was possible. One day I found it.

Specifics about that milestone encounter are irrelevant, but its importance in my life isn't. I had finally found what I was looking for. I discovered that BDSM could be profoundly satisfying. Once the elements of a satisfying experience were known to me I was able to have them with great regularity.

Perhaps the most important insight gained from those first positive experiences was that the myths and misconceptions I and so many other people had come to believe were dispelled. The realization that BDSM could be part of a healthy, loving relationship and that it could be done in a risk-aware (safety-aware) and fun way was a breath of fresh air after the staleness of stereotypes and prejudice I had previously accepted as fact. Finally, my erotic self was set free.

Eventually I joined a BDSM educational and support organization. The group gathered regularly to discuss various aspects of BDSM in a supportive and nonjudgmental way. I soon discovered that many others were also having a difficult time fully understanding and learning about BDSM. They believed the myths and misconceptions too. As I began to participate in the group’s discussions, I found myself helping others learn about how to best enjoy BDSM. Soon I was asked to lead one of the group’s sessions. Before that evening ended I knew I had something to contribute and the course of my life changed drastically.

Since that time I have devoted a significant part of my life to educating others about BDSM and other adventurous sexualities as I continue to learn more about them myself. I have taught workshops, led support and discussion groups, written articles, sat on the boards of directors of organizations and clubs, championed community projects, appeared on film, radio and television, spoken to thousands of people, and coached many men and women to better sex lives. At the time this book was originally written, it was all a natural outgrowth of my work.

Today, BDSM and those that enjoy it are more accepted and better understood that when I first wrote this book. BDSM imagery, terminology and culture have crept into mainstream life. This is a good thing. Is BDSM fully accepted and understood? No. If it were I might not have updated this book. Times are better for kinky folks, but they can always be better. I hope this book contributes in some way to help in that effort.

If, after reading this book, you have suggestions or comments, please contact me through my web site (www.Bannon.com). Authors, just like readers, should always keep learning. I always like hearing from my readers. Perhaps your insights will contribute to a better future edition or another work yet to be written.

May the teachings in this book help you discover the joys of BDSM. Play well, love well, live well.

Race Bannon

San Francisco, CA USA

2012

Introduction

BDSM has always been a misunderstood style of erotic play. To the uninformed, it appears to be violent, brutal and demeaning. But those who truly understand BDSM know that it's a sensual and loving act between partners. Erotic experiences should always contribute to the growth of a person. BDSM, if practiced correctly and with care, does just that.

Because BDSM is so misunderstood, there was a time when few people were capable of putting into print information that so many people need. Thankfully that has changed. In recent years many new books and web sites aimed at a BDSM audience have emerged since the publication of the first version of this book.

Although instructional information about BDSM could fill volumes, this book has intentionally been kept brief. It's a basic guide. No pretense of completeness is suggested. It offers newcomers a concise overview of basic BDSM concepts, techniques and practices. Many seasoned BDSM veterans will also undoubtedly find it helpful. A lifetime of enjoyable erotic play can be derived from putting into practice what you will read here. But those who wish to pursue their BDSM educations further are encouraged to utilize some of the many resources now available. I discuss how to find these resources later in this book.

Much of the writing about BDSM targets specific audiences such as gay men, lesbians or heterosexuals. This book is generally universal and applies to all sexes and orientations unless otherwise noted. It's also important to point out that BDSM, like all sexualities, is an expression of a person’s individuality. Readers are encouraged to take in this information, digest it, and form their own unique style of erotic expression. Creativity and individuality are vital to an enjoyable sexuality. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Insist on yourself; never imitate." BDSM is no different. Read this book. Assimilate it. Then take that knowledge and mold it to fit your own particular style. Remember that no one understands you and your sexuality better than you do.

A wise man I know uses a wonderful metaphor to illustrate people’s individual erotic choices. He likens sexuality to a smorgasbord. While there may be a seemingly endless variety of foods on the table, few people like them all. Nor should they feel compelled to like them all. We can pick and choose those that we like and leave the others for people with different tastes. The goal is to have an enjoyable meal, not to try everything on the table.

Just as with gastronomic tastes, sexual tastes vary. Some like spaghetti and some like egg rolls. Some like both. No choice is better than another. It’s all a matter of personal preference.

Every person reading this book has a different reason for doing so. Many have had fantasies for years and have had no intelligent resource to turn to for a clear explanation of how to turn those fantasies into reality. Others may have some experience, but still find something lacking. Still others may simply want to spice up the lovemaking with their spouse or partner. Whatever the reason, this book can help.

The mysterious nature of BDSM is often part of its appeal. There are those critics who believe that exposing its inner workings to the general public demystifies the experience and will lead to its demise. I disagree, and it's somewhat moot since BDSM has clearly come into the public's consciousness lately. The interest in BDSM has burgeoned substantially since this book’s first version. Dozens of books now exist on the topic, unlike when this book was first published. The public’s hunger for information about BDSM is obvious.

Imagination, that wonderful human ability, is a vital ingredient of all good BDSM. The imagination can create any reality it wishes. Knowing how to create the BDSM experience in a risk-aware and fun way can only increase its enjoyment. Not knowing how can lead to bad experiences. These bad experiences often push newcomers away, depriving them of a form of sexual expression they might have otherwise found fulfilling.

Telling the truth is ultimately always the right thing to do. This book tells the truth about BDSM; at least the truth as I see it.

The Sensual World of BDSM

Welcome to the wonderful world of BDSM. If you're new to BDSM, you will undoubtedly be pleasantly surprised at what you're going to read. BDSM is fun. If it’s not, you’re doing something wrong. And that is the approach this book takes.

If you’re not new to BDSM, this book will most likely validate what you already know. And that’s valuable too.

Erotic fantasy is a playground for grownups. When a child plays there is no end to what their imagination can create. A box becomes a playhouse, a wagon becomes a race car and a stuffed animal a ferocious dragon. Inside every adult is a child who also loves to play. If you combine that childlike desire to play with the adult sex drive you have a limitless fantasy life that can keep you and your partner deeply satisfied.

Imagine the possibilities!

That’s what this book is about – possibilities. It’s about you and your partner creating endless possibilities in your erotic life. In order to do this you must always remember one thing. There’s no such thing as a bad fantasy. That doesn’t mean you should actually do everything in your fantasies. It just means that there’s nothing wrong with thinking them.

Of course many of your fantasies can be realized. This book concentrates specifically on fantasies involving BDSM. Not sure what BDSM is? Then read on.

What is BDSM Anyway?

The term BDSM isn't an entirely accurate name for the type of sexuality we are exploring here. The abbreviation BDSM is derived from the words bondage, dominance and sadomasochism. Some also attribute dominance and submission to the middle DS letters as well. The SM (sadomasochism) portion of the acronym is formally defined as deriving enjoyment from the infliction or receiving of pain. However, the term SM as it's now commonly used has come to encompass a wide range of erotic activities that don't necessarily involve pain at all. Indeed, it's probably accurate to say that the majority of people who enjoy SM don't enjoy pain, per se.

If pain isn't the key element of SM play, and we throw bondage and dominance (and submission) into the mix, then what is this thing we call BDSM? What makes one erotic encounter BDSM and another not? The answer is generally power. The component that seems to be part of most BDSM play isn't any particular kind of physical activity, but rather the fact that there is an exchange of power between the partners. Of course, definitions are tricky and the presence of power isn't always a required defining factor for BDSM. But it's a pretty good one for the purposes of this book.

Sometimes this power exchange is very dramatic and other times it's more subtle. The degree of power exchange isn't important as long as the experience is enjoyed. If an exchange of power takes place, to whatever extent, the encounter can be considered BDSM in nature. But as I mentioned, even this criteria isn’t absolute. Many folks engage in sexual play they consider BDSM and the power dynamics are fairly equal. But for most, power appears to still be the primary element that defines BDSM.

Let’s examine some power exchanges that might be incorporated into one’s erotic fantasy life. Remember that these are fantasies, not necessarily reality.

Two partners sign an erotic slavery contract. For an entire week one partner must be completely devoted to the erotic needs of the other. At the end of the week the roles reverse and the pampered one now becomes slave to the other.

A spouse leaves a note for their partner to be read upon arriving home from work. It orders them to shower, prepare the bed, dim the lights and be waiting naked in bed for the spouse’s arrival.

A police officer pulls over a traffic law violator. In order for the driver to get out of the ticket she must perform some wonderful sexual act. (Which of course they both enjoy immensely.)

A lover allows their partner to tie him down on their bed and tickle him mercilessly.

A doctor makes a patient submit to a very thorough examination. (Who knows where those hands might go?)

A severe figure dressed in black leather commands a large collection of slaves. Her husband is one of those slaves. (So what if there are really no other slaves. Remember that your imagination has no bounds.)

A strict schoolteacher administers a severe spanking to a misbehaving student.

One partner wears a thin chain around their neck that is fastened with a lock, symbolizing their submission and love for the other. The chain is worn under clothing and is only seen by the two in private.

A man abducts their partner and is keeping them bound with ropes on their bed. The captive strains to get free (well, not really).

We could go on and on. If two people care about each other and engage their imaginations there’s no telling what wonderful scenarios they can dream up. That’s part of what’s so much fun about BDSM.

Remember, the fantasies above are just that – fantasies. What might be appealing in an erotic fantasy might be appalling in actuality.

The admittedly broad definition of BDSM as an exchange of power greatly expands the classically accepted definitions of the B and SM portions of BDSM. The definition embraces a great many people who may not previously have considered themselves into BDSM. BDSM has become quite an inclusive term. Even traditional missionary position sex can morph into the realm of BDSM if the partners have exchanged power with each other.

In the next chapter you will read how some people might exchange power in various kinds of BDSM situations.

BDSM As Lovemaking

Yes, BDSM play is lovemaking. That’s a strange concept to accept if you’re new to the BDSM world. But it’s always true. Even if the partners don’t know each other very well their BDSM play is a way to express love. As Henry Havelock Ellis, a pioneering writer and researcher of sadomasochism, wrote:

"The masochist desires to experience pain, but he generally desires that it should be inflicted with love; the sadist desires to inflict pain, but in some cases, if not in most, he desires that it should be felt as love."

Ellis died in 1939, so his views of SM were relatively crude considering today’s somewhat more sexually aware and accepting society. He did not yet comprehend the broad definition of SM (and BDSM) that we embrace today. If he were still alive he would undoubtedly refer to the concept of power exchange or some other criteria rather than pain. Still, the gist of his quote is clear. BDSM is motivated by love. BDSM is lovemaking.

The BDSM Credos

BDSM has endured a bad rap for a long time. Some of this is due to those few individuals who engage in improper behavior and call it BDSM. But most of the bad reputation stems from ignorance. In an effort to eradicate this ignorance, both among the public at large and in their own ranks, many factions of the BDSM community adopted a credo by which it generally lived and played. That credo was safe, sane and consensual (SSC). The message was if it’s not safe, if it’s not sane, and if it’s not consensual, it’s not BDSM. This credo has the best of intentions and many still consider it the most appropriate saying to help guide the community towards good play.

The first edition of this book promoted the SSC approach wholeheartedly and still respects its intention. It still has power and usefulness. But over the course of time since I wrote the first version of this book my views have shifted slightly.

In recent years others within the community have begun to adopt a new credo that many feel more accurately represents realistic guidelines by which BDSM practitioners should abide. That credo is risk-aware, consensual kink (RACK) and, to the best of my knowledge, was proposed by Gary Switch of Prometheus magazine. This is the perspective this book’s current version embraces (more or less, I'll explain later).

The reasoning behind RACK is sound. Nothing is truly 100% safe. Even crossing the street isn’t totally safe, not to mention driving a car, mountain climbing or skateboarding. Much the way we promote defensive and aware driving of a car, so does the RACK approach promote awareness and proper management of the risks involved in BDSM play, indeed in all sexual activity.

Risk-aware sex takes into account the various safer sex approaches that each of us has decided make sense for us and also considers the necessity of assessing the sanity of all play and players.

Consensual just makes sense and both the SSC and RACK approaches agree on this. If erotic play of any kind isn’t consensual it really shouldn’t be considered part of good BDSM play.

Kink is a more inclusive word than BDSM and more accurately embraces the wide range of activities that BDSM play encompasses in more recent times. The ways people engage in BDSM play today varies greatly and as continued explorations take place the world of kink expands. This is a good thing.

For the purposes of this book, I'm going to primarily embrace the RACK credo. It's a good one and I prefer it over the SSC credo I formerly endorsed. This does not mean I embrace it wholeheartedly. My main concern is that by codifying anything into a neat and simple little saying, we over simplify and this poses dangers. At some point we're going to encounter something in our sexual lives that doesn't fit so neatly into the RACK concept and then we're left wondering if we've been misled or are we ourselves wrong.

People are unique. Not two are alike. Thus, no two approaches to sexuality can be alike and no single set of rules can universally apply to all people and all situations all of the time. They just can't. Variations will occur that force us to try putting the square peg of RACK (or SSC) into the round hole of our own sexuality.

So while I'm going to move forward with RACK as a guiding concept for the remainder of this book, I want you to open your mind and realize some situations may belie the approach. In such situations, simply engage your brains and your hearts and you'll come to the right decision.

Now let’s see what does the RACK approach has to offer those of us pursuing BDSM.

Risk-Aware, Consensual Kink —The New BDSM Credo

What should you consider when approaching your BDSM play from a risk-aware perspective? Here are some risk-aware guidelines:

Always discuss health and disease considerations with your partner before you play. Take the necessary precautions to avoid exchanging body fluids that you've mutually agreed might be dangerous to you or your partner. In other words, have the safer sex discussion before you play to ensure that you avoid putting anyone’s health at unconsidered risk. Everyone makes their own decisions regarding safer play and we all need to respect those decisions. But you can’t make good decisions unless you’re fully informed. So talk. If your partner’s safer sex guidelines don’t match yours and they’re not willing to modify them to align with yours, then don’t play. Check out my web site at www.Bannon.com for links to sites that will give you good, solid sexual health information to use as the basis for your decisions.

Get to know your partner as well as possible before you play. The intimacy necessary for enjoyable BDSM experiences usually requires a good deal of trust. This doesn’t happen right away. Get to know each other. Even in this modern era when most kinky folks connect through the internet there are still ways to get to know each other. And there’s still really no substitute for some face-to-face discussion when possible. If you’re playing with someone you don’t yet know well, tell a friend where you’ll be and who you’ll be with. That will give you the comfort to allow you to relax into the sexual experience without some of the concerns you might have with a partner you have no experience with yet.

Never try to do something beyond your abilities. Certain styles of BDSM require a proficient level of technical skill. Get the necessary knowledge first. Reading this or other books is a good first step, but it’s often necessary to get some personal instruction from someone more experienced. Web sites provide good information also, but beware of buying into everything you read, see or hear on the web. Cross reference information and guidelines from various sources to arrive at what appears to be the truth. This is how it works for any research you’d do on any topic. Have good information at your disposal to make sure your sex life abides by your safer sex guidelines and is the enjoyable experience it should be.

Always be aware of the health and physical safety of everyone concerned. Exchanging health and medical information is a good idea. Attending a CPR and first aid class is always a good idea.

Is your BDSM contributing in any way to a person’s negative self-image? It should not. BDSM should enhance, not detract, from someone’s self-image.

Have you truly thought through what you want to do or explore? I mean really thought about it. Impulsive sexual urges and good BDSM don’t always go hand in hand. Make sure you understand your physical and emotional limits before you play with someone. If you’re unsure about something, don’t assume anything. Figure out a way to explore it as safely as possible from both a physical and emotional safety perspective. There are always potential play partners who will gladly help you test the waters of your kinky fantasies.

Discover your local and broader network of fellow BDSM practitioners. Most people find that involvement with others who share their interest and passion for BDSM and kinky play enhances the experience. You’ll learn from others and they’ll learn from you. There are lots of groups, clubs and organizations in all walks of the BDSM scene that exist solely to help socialize, educate and safely connect people interested in BDSM and kinky play. Check out my web site, www.Bannon.com, for links to leads to help you find a group near you.

In short, do whatever is necessary to ensure that the experience you have is based on adequate knowledge and mutual awareness of the risks involved. Safety and risk-aware sex is so important that an entire chapter is devoted to it later in this book.

Risk-aware also takes the sanity of the people and situation into account. What is sane? Sane is a relative term. Many people think people who engage in BDSM aren't sane simply because of this interest. Being sane, as we mean it here, is about using your best judgment. Does it seem sane to you personally? Trust your gut feelings and intuition. Sometimes we think only with our genitals and that can be dangerous. When in doubt, don’t.

Sanity also means that those people involved aren't under the influence of drugs or alcohol to the extent that it impairs their ability to make good decisions. Safety considerations often go right out the window when someone is too high. It’s better to wait until everyone has adequate control of their faculties before pursuing BDSM play, especially play that requires some level of technical skill or reasonable judgment. Good BDSM requires the good judgment of everyone involved.

What is consensual? Everyone involved in the BDSM situation must consent to all that is transpiring. No exceptions. None. This also means that everyone must have the ability to communicate clearly during play and that all communications are heeded. Anything that is done against someone’s will is an act of rape. And rape isn't BDSM (even if you do have rape fantasies). True rape is violent, criminal and abhorrent to any responsible person.

As with so many things there is a lot to consider when pursuing BDSM. Using the risk-ware, consensual kink credo as your guide allows you to quickly assess situations without remembering long lists of do’s and don’ts. Just ask yourself, "do I have enough information, have I intelligently assessed the risks, and is this consensual?" If you’re satisfied with your answer, then go for it. If not, make the necessary adjustments, or don’t do it.

Add Fun to the New BDSM Credo

When the BDSM crowd adopted the safe, sane and consensual credo, I was overjoyed. It served its purpose well in its time. Now that I’ve embraced the new risk-aware consensual kink credo, I still want to add one more word to it – fun.

BDSM is supposed to be fun. If it weren’t why would anyone do it. So I’ve added the word fun to the credo. So now you can ask yourself "do I have enough information, have I intelligently assessed the risks, is this consensual, and is this fun?" By doing so, you’ll ensure yourself not only experiences congruent with your safety requirements and acceptable level of risk, but enjoyable and fulfilling ones as well.

Why Do People Enjoy BDSM?

The only honest answer to this question is that no one really knows, although many people have their opinions. Sexuality researchers have been struggling with finding answers to why people enjoy the erotic pleasures they do, but most answers are merely educated theories.

And is it really important to know why you enjoy something? Is it necessary to know why you like chocolate ice cream better than vanilla? Of course not. You simply accept it and enjoy your favorite flavor. So it should be with sexuality.

Your sexuality is your own business. As long as what you do complies with your and your partner's interpretation of risk-ware, consensual and fun kink, it’s just fine.

Also remember that a sizable percentage of the population enjoys BDSM. You aren't alone.

Misconceptions About BDSM

BDSM play is fueled by fantasies. The goal of BDSM is to turn those fantasies into a risk-aware, consensual and fun reality. Often someone’s fantasy may appear as something quite different to an outsider. For example, what if you stumbled onto a movie set without noticing any of the lights, cameras or crew? If you then saw two actors fighting angrily with fists flying you would assume you had stumbled onto a real fight. You would have no way of knowing that the fight was not real. That’s the reaction those who are misinformed about BDSM might have when they hear about or see a BDSM situation. They immediately assume the reality in front of them, not the fantasy it represents. This is the main reason there are so many misconceptions about BDSM. Here are just a few of those misconceptions:

BDSM is a violent act. No act done with love and caring can be considered violent. And what perpetrator of violence takes the time to consider the safety and enjoyment of the other person? BDSM isn't violence. It's another way to make love (or at the very least have a very good time with someone).

BDSM is unsafe. BDSM, like so much in life, has its risks. But it's certainly not inherently unsafe. Responsible players always make sure they’ve assessed the risks, figured out ways to minimize and manage them, and abide by the safety guidelines of those involved.

BDSM is demeaning to women. First of all, the assumption here is that women are always in the submissive role in BDSM and that is just not so. Men and women appear to favor dominant and submissive roles equally. Actually, most enjoy both at one time or another. Secondly, the implicit assumption of this misconception is that submission is somehow demeaning. Nothing could be further from the truth. A dominant/submissive relationship is a carefully negotiated and caring exchange between partners. Is it demeaning when you care so much for someone that you want to make their fantasies come true? Of course not. A person cannot be demeaned when they are being so carefully cared for. BDSM isn't demeaning to women (or men).

BDSM is about pain. An erotic encounter can have absolutely no pain whatsoever and be considered BDSM. BDSM isn't about pain. It's about a caring power exchange between partners. Forget the word pain and replace it with the word sensation.

BDSM cannot be part of a healthy relationship. Since BDSM is just another way to make love, it's often at its best when it's done within the context of a loving, caring relationship.

There are many more misconceptions about BDSM than those listed above. As people become more educated over time, attitudes will hopefully change. These new perceptions will make it much easier for those wishing to enjoy BDSM to accept it as a healthy expression of their sexuality.

The BDSM Scene

When two or more people have a BDSM erotic encounter, it's called by many a scene. A more precise (even if somewhat clinical) definition of what a scene is might be:

A combination of mental, physical and environmental components, usually with an exchange of power as a key element, that mix to produce a satisfying erotic experience for all participants.

You can call it a scene, a session or just having sex. Whatever you call it, it can be as short as five minutes or as long as a weekend. Some last longer. Regardless of its length, if it meets the above definition, it’s a scene.

Scenes don’t just begin when you walk into the bedroom. Scenes can happen anywhere and they can begin long before the actual action starts and end long after the action ends. After all, the focus of BDSM play is often the mind, not the genitals. Genital sex might not even be part of a scene. That means that the two people sitting next to you in a restaurant might be in the middle of a BDSM scene and you wouldn’t know it. Isn’t that fun to think about?

A scene is your own erotic theater where you create your own fantasy world. No two scenes are ever the same. That’s one of the great joys in the BDSM experience.

Let’s see what just a few of the erotic possibilities are by sharing the experiences of some couples in the next chapter.

BDSM In The Real World

A BDSM scene is difficult to describe. The definition in the previous chapter is a bit academic and does not adequately illustrate the limitless variety of BDSM play. Perhaps some real life examples will help.

Here are some descriptions of some realistic BDSM scenes. No two are the same. Although these are a small sampling of the many types of BDSM play possible, they serve to illustrate the kind of risk-aware, consensual and fun BDSM that this book promotes. By seeing how these partners make love with BDSM you will come to a better understanding of BDSM and how it can best fit into your sex life.

The stories that follow are different from much of the BDSM fiction available. Most kinky fiction is pure fantasy and isn't instructive or meant to be imitated. In fact some fantasies in BDSM fiction are downright dangerous and don't adhere to the risk-aware and consensual credo. Science fiction, murder mysteries and romance novels, among others, intentionally depict stories that are pure fantasy and not a reflection of life. So it is with much of BDSM fiction (both the gentler erotica and the more hardcore porn).

Additionally, these stories aren't presented as great erotic literature. While the reader may find them titillating, they are meant to be primarily educational.

Since this book caters to all sexes, orientations and genders, the scenes described below take place between various combinations of people. But you will find that most of these scenes could be done by any combination of partners with equally satisfactory results. The important thing to notice is the caring and imagination these partners display. The specifics of the partners are, for the most part, irrelevant.

Let the sharing of these erotic BDSM adventures act as the springboard for your own erotic adventures. Set your imaginations free. Read, enjoy and be inspired.

Mark and Janet

Mark and Janet have been married for 17 years. Wishing to keep their erotic life exciting and being a couple who communicates well, they have confided in each other about many of their erotic fantasies. It turns out they both have BDSM fantasies and they have incorporated these into their lovemaking. Tonight is going to be one of those nights.

Before Janet left for work she got up early to begin preparations for the night’s fun. While Mark slept she wrote him a note, placed it in an envelope and left it on his briefcase. She then quietly left the house.

When Mark awoke he followed his usual morning pattern. As he was about to leave for work he went to his briefcase and noticed the note. He opened it. It read,

"My Dearest Mark – I will be home late tonight. This will give you plenty of time to prepare for my arrival. When you get home I want you to shave, shower and groom yourself to look your best. Then turn down the bed. In the bedroom closet is a small box. Take the rope from that box and place it on the bed. After you have done all this, I want you to wait, naked, on the bed. Don't leave the bed until I arrive home. Do as I ask. P.S. I love you. Janet"

Mark had a smile on his face as he finished reading the note. He loves his wife very much and looked forward to their lovemaking. Getting through the workday would be easy now. He had a lot to look forward to.

When Mark arrived home he immediately did as the note asked, then waited anxiously for his wife’s return. He didn’t have long to wait.

Mark heard the door open and close, then a few footsteps, then nothing. Mark waited what seemed an eternity. After hearing a few more steps he finally saw his beautiful wife standing in the doorway. She was wearing her sexiest lingerie and tall high heels. Mark loved her dressed that way and she knew it.

Janet walked toward the bed. Mark was practically salivating with excitement. Janet leaned over the bed and began slowly and softly stroking her husband’s body. Mark’s excitement grew, along with another particular part of his body. Then Janet positioned Mark so that he was on his back with his arms and legs spread out to the four corners of the bed.

Janet said, "Don’t move. Understand?"

"Yes, I understand," said Mark. "I’ll stay still, for you."

Janet now leaned over and began kissing and licking Mark’s body from head to toe. This continued for a long time and Mark began to writhe with pleasure. Part of him wanted to reach out and touch his wife, but he stayed still as she had ordered. Janet then began to concentrate her attentions on that part of him that was now very hard and standing straight up. She brought him close to orgasm then stopped.

"Not yet my darling. That will happen when I say so," she said.

Janet now began to tie Mark’s wrists and ankles to the four corners of the bed. She tied them carefully so that they were secure, but not so tight as to cut off circulation.

"How does that feel?", she asked.

Mark nodded his head that his wrists felt fine. He loved it when his wife tied him up. It always felt as if he was giving himself completely to her at those times. He felt that way now.

With Mark restrained, Janet backed away slightly from the bed and began to undress, very slowly, teasingly. First, she removed her bra.

"Do you like that, my darling?"

Mark pulled at the ropes to reach for his wife, but he was going nowhere. His excitement grew.

Next she unclipped her garters, removed her high heels and slowly began to roll down her stockings, one at a time. Then she hooked her thumbs slowly into her panties and began to pull them down, lingering around the hips for a moment before taking them off. Mark stared lovingly at her naked body as she walked toward him and climbed onto the bed.

She straddled him and put him inside her. They each let out a moan of delight. In long, prolonged strokes she began to ride him. Each got caught up in the rapture of the moment and strokes became faster and faster until they each stiffened in mutual orgasms that seemed to go on for an eternity. They collapsed in sweet and total exhaustion. Janet leaned down and kissed her husband.

"I love you," she said.

"I love you too," was the reply.

They lay there together for a few minutes still breathing hard. Then Janet began to untie the ropes while kissing and rubbing Mark’s wrists to stimulate his circulation.

Once Mark was untied, they wrapped their arms around each other and kissed. Another wonderful scene. They looked forward to many more.

Bob and Jack

Bob and Jack met online about a year ago and have been seeing each other ever since. From the start it was evident that both wanted a special kind of sexual experience that neither had been able to find before. After exchanging many emails and phone calls with each other they started to date once or twice a month and seem to enjoy it that way. No serious discussions of a permanent or committed relationship have taken place, at least not yet.

These men enjoy both dominant and submissive roles. Over time, it appeared evident that the types of scenes they most enjoyed were those involving master/slave dynamics.

Both Bob and Jack had fantasies for years about being a master or a slave, but had found no one they could trust to explore this area of their sexuality. Now they had.

When they first met they discussed various ways to decide who would be the master and who the slave during a scene. Then they decided to simply alternate roles each time they see each other. More recently they’ve grown comfortable letting their roles change as they organically emerge while they played. It seems to be working pretty well. They also discussed that if one ended up leaning more towards master or slave over time, they’d adapt. Right now Bob is feeling dominant and Jack submissive. So Bob’s the master for tonight’s scene.

When they meet, it’s always at Bob’s place. Bob has a large and growing collection of BDSM equipment and a small, second bedroom he has converted into a sex playroom that Bob refers to as his "dungeon." Jack arrived at Bob’s place this evening at 8:00 p.m., excited about being Bob’s slave for the night. They had not discussed what was to transpire. The trust they have developed allows them that luxury. Each knows he can fully trust the actions of the other. The sense of mystery adds to the excitement. Jack pressed the doorbell.

Bob answered. Jack was standing at the door with his head bowed slightly in submission. Bob’s last email had a strong dominant tone to it. Jack knew this submissive attitude would be hot for Bob.

"Come in," said Bob.

Jack did so and stood with his head still bowed, awaiting Bob’s orders.

Bob said, "Go to the dungeon, strip and wait for me. I’ll be there shortly."

Jack did as ordered.

When Jack entered the playroom his eyes immediately spotted a whip, a leather flogger to be exact, laid out in the center of a small table. Jack had never seen this particular item of BDSM equipment before. Bob and Jack have had many discussions about exploring whipping scenes. Perhaps Bob took these discussions to heart and purchased the flogger for their explorations. Jack hoped so.

Bob quietly entered the room and moved behind Jack. Bob’s hands reached around to the front and began to play gently with Jack’s nipples. Jack let out a sigh and said, "yes Sir, I’m yours." Bob continued to play with Jack’s nipples, increasing the pressure slightly over time. Within minutes Jack’s nipples were on fire with a sensation somewhere between pleasure and pain, but better than either. Bob soon sensed from Jack’s responses that he had reached Jack’s limit and eased off. They have played together often enough at this point to be acutely sensitive to each other's physical queues and how to adjust their play as they encounter them.

Reaching behind him, Bob produced a blindfold and put it on Jack. Soft, rhythmic music began to play as Bob turned on the stereo system. Jack felt leather wrist restraints being put on his wrists. Then Jack’s arms were raised above his head and secured to bolts in the ceiling. Bob moved close to Jack and began to talk softly in his ear.

"Tonight you’re going to be whipped as we've talked about. Flogged with the deerskin flogger I'm sure you already noticed on the table. Do you understand that, slave?"

"Yes, Sir."

"And why can I do this to you?"

"Because I belong to you, Sir. I'm your slave. You can do whatever you wish with me."

"Are you scared?"

"Yes, a little, Sir."

"Good. I like you that way. But you know you can trust me, don’t you, slave?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Do you remember our special word?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Say it."

"Mercy, Sir."

"And if for some reason you can't speak and need to talk with me, what do you do?"

Jack snapped his fingers, the agreed upon non-verbal safety signal they've used since they started playing together.

"Correct. I will do as I wish with you unless I hear that word or sound. If I hear either, I stop and we'll talk."

"Yes, thank you, Sir."

Bob backed away and watched Jack for a moment. How handsome he looked tonight. How much he will enjoy this. He reached for the flogger. Slowly he began to run the tails of the whip across Jack’s back. Lightly. In long strokes. Jack’s body twitched with desire. He has fantasized about this for a very long time.

Bob decided to flog Jack’s back because he knows that’s what turns Jack on in his fantasies. The first strike of the whip is light and landed on the fleshy upper portion of Jack’s back. Bob stepped back for an instant to assess Jack’s reaction. Jack’s body writhed with the pleasure movements Bob has come to know so well. Jack uttered a contented sigh. Bob knew that Jack is ready for more. Again, those physical queues were working well.

Bob began to whip Jack slowly in progressively harder strokes, taking care to be aware of Jack’s reactions. At one point a hard blow landed and Jack’s body reacted in a jerky, uncontrolled way. Bob saw this as a sign of a limit being reached and he temporarily lowered the intensity of the blows. But soon Jack was begging for more.

"Please, Sir, my back is yours. Torture me as you see fit."

Obviously Jack wanted more. Bob was happy to oblige for it has long been his fantasy to whip someone like this. To prepare for this night Bob secretly met a few times with a friend who had experience using whips, in particular the kind of leather flogger he was using tonight. Bob now felt he had the adequate skill to whip Jack properly and safely.

Before continuing Bob felt Jack’s hands to make sure they were receiving enough circulation. They seemed fine and weren't showing signs of any bluing that might indicate inadequate circulation, which can happen when someone is tied up, particularly if the hands are above the head. Bob wasn't sure if they felt cool or not, so he asked Jack, "How are your hands."

"Fine, Sir," was the answer.

The whipping continued. Jack’s body began to move in sharp reaction to each blow. Loud moans emerged uncontrollably from Jack. Since Bob had neighbors close by he put a leather strap in Jack’s mouth so he could bite down if he needed to. This would muffle the sounds somewhat.

Stroke after stroke fell upon Jack’s back and both men were climbing together to a euphoric crescendo. Soon the scene came to its natural peak. Bob stopped the whipping. Jack was moaning and breathing quickly. Bob put the flogger down and stepped around to face Jack. While Bob held Jack in his left arm he undid the quick release snaps that held the wrist cuffs up. Jack fell limply into Bob’s arms.

Bob held Jack like that for a long time. All Jack could bring himself to say was, "Thank you, Sir." They both smiled.

Carol and Bill

Carol and Bill met a few weeks ago at a friend’s party. The friends hosting the party enjoy BDSM themselves and many of those attending the party had a similar interest. Carol and Bill were introduced by the hosts and they hit it off right away.

As they began to talk at the party it became apparent that Bill generally preferred to be dominant in any erotic encounter. That was just fine with Carol. She preferred to be submissive. The chemistry seemed to be there so they arranged a date for the following week.

Prior to their date they had many phone conversations in which they discussed in great detail their sexual fantasies, past BDSM experiences, how they dealt with safer sex, and other important issues. Each of them also called the couple who introduced them for more information about the other. That couple sang Bill’s and Carol’s praises and assured both that they were in good company.

Bill and Carol lived near each other so they met at a local restaurant for dinner. Bill knew that Carol liked romance to be an integral part of her kinky experiences. He was waiting at the table when Carol walked into the restaurant. As she approached he stood, took her coat, pulled out her chair and sat down opposite her. Carol looked down at a beautiful red rose in a bud vase in the center of the table. She looked around and saw that none of the other tables had flowers.

Bill said, "I think the rose is the most beautiful flower in the world. And I think you're the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met."

Carol sighed silently to herself.

Bill continued. "I want to make love to you this evening in my own special way. To do this you must give yourself to me completely and you must do this freely and with no fear. I will know when you take the rose from the vase that you give yourself to me. That is the only communication of your submission you need make. I will decide at that point how the rest of the evening shall unfold. Think carefully. Once you take the rose you're mine for the evening."

Carol was dumbstruck. No man had ever handled her quite so well. He knew all the buttons to push. She thought for a moment about letting dinner progress a while before she took the rose, but that would have been dishonest. She knew her answer now. She reached out and took the rose.

Bill smiled and said, "I will order for you. You need not look at your menu. Any dietary restrictions I should know about?"

"None Sir," she replied.

He opened his menu and began reading. A moment later he looked up.

"By the way, I meant what I said. You're the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. I’m glad you’re mine tonight."

He resumed reading. Carol smiled and quietly waited for her dinner to be ordered. She knew this was going to be a wonderful evening.

Lisa and Carol

Lisa and Carol, life partners for many years, are on vacation. Well, sort of. Lisa had a business convention to go to and Carol came along. During the day Lisa attended the convention while Carol toured the city. But at night they spent time and played together.

While BDSM was not a steady interest of theirs they had come to enjoy it more regularly during their lovemaking. It added variety to their sex life and kept the romance alive. They enjoyed the more sensual aspects of BDSM and didn’t particularly care for very intense role playing. As they put it they liked their BDSM light and fun. But they did enjoy some element of dominance and submission and they agreed that they preferred Carol to be in control.

Lisa had called Carol earlier in the day to voice her desire for some sexual play tonight. Lisa pointed out that they had not packed any of the erotic toys they had collected over the years. Carol told Lisa not to worry. After they hung up Carol called the front desk of the hotel and asked if there were any drugstores or hardware stores around. The hotel manager told her of a grocery store and a drugstore, but he knew of no hardware store in the vicinity.

So Carol went shopping. By afternoon’s end she had bought a few items that were sure to prove exciting this evening. But she still wanted one more thing. So she called the hotel manager again and asked if they had any old bedsheets. They did and the hotel manager offered to have one sent up to her room.

When Lisa arrived back at the hotel she was excited. Carol had a very creative mind. So when she opened the door to the hotel room she had to smile. Carol was standing there naked. The room was lit with the warm glow of candlelight and soft classical music emanated from the small radio on the nightstand. Carol walked to Lisa and slowly began to undress her. They were silent, communicating only by looking into each other’s eyes. Without a word, simply by quickly assessing Carol’s manner, Lisa knew Carol wanted to call the shots tonight.

After Carol had undressed Lisa she told her to lie on the bed face up. Lisa did as she was told. After a long day battling with corporate hotshots it was nice to let someone else hold the reins for a while.

Carol produced a bottle of oil she had scented with a few drops of Lisa’s favorite perfume. After pouring a bit of the oil into her hand Carol began to massage Lisa’s body. Her hands moved up and down, hovering most of the time around Lisa’s breasts and vagina. As Carol had hoped Lisa began to moan. Lisa’s body glistened in the candlelight.

Carol reached under the bed and produced strips of sheeting she had cut from the old bed sheet. Carol knew Lisa didn’t like being tied with rope, but instead preferred very soft restraint. The sheeting was a good choice and Carol was grateful the hotel was able to offer her some of their old sheets to use.

Carol began to tie Lisa’s wrists together. Then the ankles. She then used long lengths of the sheeting to secure Lisa's ankles to the foot of the bed and the wrists to the headboard. With another sheeting strip she blindfolded Lisa. All the while Lisa writhed with anticipation. Carol leaned down and kissed her.

Carol let Lisa lie there bound and helpless knowing it would build her anticipation. Then without a word Carol got a toothbrush she had purchased and lightly touched it to Lisa’s body. Lisa squirmed at the sensation.

Slowly and gently Carol pulled the brush across Lisa’s body making sure to touch as many areas as she could. From Lisa’s forehead to her toes Carol moved the brush slowly and methodically. At first both the sensation and Lisa’s reaction was mild. But soon the scene intensified as Carol continued. Lisa now pulled against the restraints in response to what she was feeling. Did this tickle? Or was this torture? The sensations were building so fast that Lisa couldn’t decide. All she knew was that she liked it.

Carol produced a second toothbrush and began to brush each nipple lightly, both at the same time. Lisa’s reaction increased. This sensitive area of her body was on fire with delight. Then Carol slowed the brushes and eventually stopped.

Lisa was breathing fast and hard as she recovered from the brushing. She could hear Carol moving around, but couldn’t see her. That made the anticipation of what Carol was going to do to her next all the more intense.

Carol grabbed one of the candles from the nightstand. She stood next to the bed, lit the candle and held it high over her head, then dripped a single drop of hot wax on the spot between Lisa’s breasts. Lisa let out a startled scream. Carol waited a moment and then delivered another drop, this time to the top portion of Lisa’s left breast. Another scream.

The screams were mostly for effect. Lisa actually loved the feeling of hot wax on her body. To her it felt like warm rain. But she also wanted to feel used by Carol, dominated by her, and the quiet screams made that desire real for both of them. Carol continued waxing Lisa’s breasts, finishing with two drops on the tips of Lisa’s nipples. Lisa yelped and pulled hard against the restraints. Carol found the yelping sound comical and laughed. Lisa laughed in response.

Carol put the candle down and removed the blindfold. Lisa looked up at Carol and laughed again. They kissed each other as Carol untied Lisa with one hand while the other hand reached between her legs. Soon Lisa was loose and the couple was rolling around in bed oblivious to anything but their bodies and how good they felt together.

Michael and Richard

Michael and Richard have been life partners for 10 years. Both were interested and experienced in BDSM before they met and BDSM is an important part of their relationship. Although both have experienced and enjoyed both dominant and submissive scenes, Michael has been the dominant partner and Richard the submissive since their first meeting. Michael and Richard privately define their relationship as that of master and slave. It turns them both on and works for them erotically.

However, over time they have had to redefine what being master and slave means to them. When they first met their roles were rigidly defined with Michael controlling every moment of Richard’s life. And Richard didn’t make a move without first checking with Michael. But as they began to fall in love and looked to a long future together they discussed the wisdom of trying to maintain such intensity in their lovemaking and decided to modify their relationship.

They still consider themselves master and slave, but they define the roles much more loosely. In fact their life together is pretty much like any other couple’s except when they play. When they play they once again assume the rigidly defined roles they have come to enjoy so much. Tonight will be one of their play sessions.

Over time Michael and Richard have developed a way of indicating to each other that they want to play. If Michael wants to play he places a short length of chain and a lock on a table by the front door. If Richard takes the lock and chain and locks it around Michael’s neck Michael knows Richard wants to play too. If Richard chooses to initiate the play he places a small leather paddle on the same table. If Michael picks the paddle up Richard knows that Michael wants to play. Tonight Michael initiated the play and Richard is now moving about the house with the chain locked lovingly around his neck, awaiting his master’s command.

Michael is busy in the bedroom getting it ready for their session. He removes some of their BDSM gear from a drawer under their bed and lays it out so he can see it all clearly. A black cover has been put over the bed and the lights are dimmed. A pair of chains are attached to the two bolts they had installed in the ceiling. Voila! Instant dungeon.

Michael and Richard never wanted to invest either the time or the money in creating a separate play space. Their bedroom has served that function well and they see no reason to go to any more trouble. When Michael has the room looking the way he wants it he calls to Richard.

"Come here. Now."

Richard rushed to abide by his master’s command. He paused at the door to the bedroom and quickly stripped off his clothes. When they play he isn't allowed in his master’s presence with clothes on. Once naked he walked slowly to his master and knelt at his feet, head bowed down.

"What do you wish, sir?"

"See those boots slave?" Michael was pointing to the boots he wore.

"Yes, sir."

"I want them cleaned."

Richard immediately bent down and began licking Michael’s boots. Richard was very turned on by boots and Michael knew it. This was a common way for them to start their scenes.

As Richard continued servicing the boots Michael began to use the riding crop he had been holding, tapping lightly on Richard’s behind. Very light taps. First one. Then a pause. Then another. Slowly and methodically. Richard responded with a pleased grunt each time the riding crop landed.

"Work your way upwards, slave," commanded Michael.

Richard began licking his way up Michael’s left leg. Since Michael was only wearing boots, a leather jock strap, and a leather biker’s cap, Richard had lots of skin to taste on his way to Michael’s crotch. Michael continued to use the riding crop on Richard with each stroke slightly harder than the last.

Soon Richard reached Michael’s crotch and he began to lick the front of the leather jock with a voracious appetite. Michael let him have his treat for a moment then pulled Richard’s head away.

"You’ll get what’s inside that jock later. If you do as you’re told."

"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir," said Richard.

Michael said, "stand up, hands at your side." Richard did so without hesitation. Michael placed him near the bed, but facing away from it.

Michael had decided to do a bondage scene with Richard. In particular, a type of bondage called mummification. This would involve the wrapping of Richard’s body until it was encased entirely, just like an Egyptian mummy. First, he placed a small towel between Richard’s ankles. This would keep them from rubbing uncomfortably together. Then he took a roll of plastic food wrap and began slowly wrapping Richard’s head, being careful to leave both the nose and the mouth uncovered to not restrict Richard’s breathing.

Once Richard’s head was wrapped, Michael turned his efforts to the upper part of his lover’s body.

"Take a deep breath," ordered Michael. Richard did. Michael then began wrapping the chest area of Richard’s body. After a few wraps around, Michael told Richard to exhale. By wrapping the chest when it was fully expanded, Michael ensured that Richard would have plenty of room to breath comfortably while in the bondage. While wrapping the chest, Michael also made sure to leave the nipples uncovered. They would be fun to play with later.

The wrapping continued down Richard’s body. Now Richard’s arms were held tightly to his side. As Michael was wrapping the middle portion of Richard’s body, he left Richard’s crotch exposed. That would also be fun to play with later.

As Michael began to wrap Richard’s legs together, he paid special attention to Richard’s balance. Once Richard’s legs were bound together he could easily fall. That’s why Michael kept Richard close to the bed. If Richard became unbalanced, Michael would either steady him quickly or push him lightly toward the bed so he could comfortably fall on something soft.

Now Richard was completely encased. And loving it.

Michael said, "how are you doing, slave."

"Fine, sir."

"I want you to keep your body very stiff, now," said Michael.

Richard did so. Michael then leaned him backwards slowly until Richard was lying on the bed. This was fairly easy for Michael to do because he was so much bigger than Richard. It might be a more difficult task with a much larger slave. Michael positioned Richard lengthwise on the bed and placed a small pillow under Richard’s head.

"I’m going to leave for a while, slave. This will keep you right where I want you until I need you. Understand?"

"Yes, sir."

But Michael didn’t leave. That would never be a wise thing to do with someone in such restrictive bondage. So Michael pretended to leave, but remained just outside the bedroom door in clear eye sight of Richard lying in bondage. For those rare instances when Michael might out of necessity have to leave Richard's presence when he was in bondage, Michael had also rigged up a webcam from his computer in the play room that broadcast video and sound directly to his tablet computer. He could carry the tablet around the house and monitor Richard remotely. He let Richard lie there for about 20 minutes before he walked quietly back into the room.

He gently pinched Richard’s nipples with his hands. Richard’s body convulsed. He groaned and began emitting pleasure sounds that made Michael want to do this even more.

After playing with Richard’s nipples for a while with his hands, he gently placed a clothespin on each of them. This would keep Richard’s nipples busy while he worked on his crotch.

Michael now grabbed lubricant and squeezed some into his right hand. He began to slowly stroke Richard’s already hard cock. More pleasure sounds from Richard.

Michael worked Richard’s cock until he was close to ejaculating, then slowed the pace, then built it up again. Each time Richard writhed in sensual agony as his master brought him so close, yet not all the way.

"You want me to go all the way, slave?"

"Yes, sir. Please, sir," begged Richard.

"No" was all Michael said. And he continued his torment. Again and again he brought Richard close, then slowed the pace. This continued for a long time. But the night was young and Michael had much more in store for Richard.

Mary and Patricia

Mary and Patricia have been dating for over a year. Although they did not initially identify their erotic tastes as BDSM, they later learned that they, indeed, were. Their scenes centered around sensual visual images they created together. These visual images were often representative of a subtle power dynamic in their play, thus making that play BDSM in nature.

When Mary and Patricia played, they took great care to dress properly. Their undergarments, stockings and shoes, along with the rest of their clothing, were carefully chosen to elicit a particular erotic response from each other. Their hair and makeup were also carefully done to elicit a similar response.

Tonight Mary had chosen to dress in a powerful, businesswoman fashion, a look she enjoyed. Her grey suit, scarf tie, hair and makeup, along with her poised demeanor, all spoke of a powerful woman in control. Patricia chose to dress in a sultry, sexy manner. She chose very feminine, lacy undergarments and a revealing low cut mini dress. Her hair was loose and free and her makeup just this side of harlot. She wore very high heels that accentuated her long legs.

Neither woman discussed ahead of time how they would dress for the evening. That was part of the fun for them. The two personalities would converge and the resulting sexual chemistry would be spontaneous.

Mary arrived at Patricia’s house to pick her up. They had decided that how they dressed should be appropriate for public consumption since they wanted to go out to dinner first. Mary rang the bell and Patricia answered. Each eyed the other for a moment and smiles crossed both their faces. Instant turn on.

"Shall we go?," asked Mary. "The sooner we have dinner the sooner we can come home."

"Yes, I was thinking the same thing," said Patricia.

Phillip and Susan

One day Phillip’s girlfriend of six months, Susan, confided to him that she had fantasies about having sex with her male doctor. Her fantasies revolved around her doctor forcing her to do his sexual bidding. She was embarrassed when she told Phillip, but Phillip found it exciting. Phillip and Susan had a very open and free erotic relationship and Phillip was always looking for new ways to spice up their lovemaking. This gave him an idea.

The next day Phillip went to the local thrift shops and found a doctor’s smock. He then called a friend who was a nurse and asked if he could borrow some of her medical equipment for an evening. He explained why he wanted it and she was more than happy to make the loan. She even offered to help if she could. When his girlfriend came over that night, Phillip was ready.

Susan rang Phillip’s doorbell. The door opened, but instead of seeing Phillip she saw Phillip’s friend, dressed as a nurse, who greeted her.

"Good evening. Please have a seat and the doctor will see you shortly," the nurse said signaling to the living room couch. Without another word, she walked out the front door, closing it behind her.

Phillip was hidden from view, watching this transpire. He let Susan sit for a moment, then entered the living room wearing the smock accessorized with a stethoscope around his neck.

"Good evening, Miss Jackson."

"Phillip, what’s going on..."

With some force, "I said, good evening, Miss Jackson. Won’t you come into my office." Phillip motioned to the bedroom.

Susan was dumbstruck, but quickly caught on to what Phillip was doing.

"Yes, doctor," she said, with a smile on her face, walking into the bedroom.

"You’re scheduled for a complete physical, Miss Jackson, so please remove all your clothing," said Phillip emphasizing the word complete in his tone as he scanned a clipboard with something that looked like a medical chart on it.

"Yes, doctor," said Susan.

Susan undressed and stood there, waiting for the doctor to look up from his reading. Soon he did.

"Please get on the table, Miss Jackson," said Phillip, pointing to the bed that Phillip's nurse friend had covered with the paper table covering used in most medical examining rooms. Susan did as ordered. Phillip then positioned Susan near the edge of the bed with her legs spread slightly and her knees bent.

"Relax, Miss Jackson. This won’t hurt at all." Phillip then produced a latex examination glove which he put on his right hand. He dabbed a small amount of lubricant jelly from a tube onto the glove and slowly and carefully inserted his finger into Susan’s vagina.

Susan was reeling with excitement. For this brief moment, Phillip was no longer her boyfriend. He was her doctor, the man she had fantasized about for so long. And he was touching her in the way she had always hoped he would in her fantasies.

Phillip began to massage her clitoris gently with his finger. Susan squirmed with ecstasy.

"Please, doctor, stop," said Susan, obviously feigning resistance.

"Just relax, Miss Jackson. After all, I am a doctor."

With that gentle command, Susan settled back and enjoyed the feelings emerging from her loins.

Once again, remember that these are only a small sampling of the potential scenes BDSM offers to those wishing to expand their erotic play. There are as many possibilities as your fantasies and imagination can create.

BDSM As Erotic Theater

One way to describe BDSM is as erotic theater, an intimate, theatrical play created by you and your partner. All the theatrical elements are included. We’ll use this theatrical metaphor to explain how a BDSM scene happens.

The Script

Without a script, there is no play. So it is with BDSM. Some basic structure for a scene is usually decided upon prior to the scene beginning, at least by one of the participants. Sometimes this structure is extremely precise and other times it's incredibly loose, allowing for more improvisation and spontaneity. Either approach can work well, depending on the partners and the type of scene.

When two people come together to discuss the structure of a scene, it's called negotiating a scene. Some form of negotiation must always occur before a truly risk-aware and consensual scene can take place. The negotiation may take only a few minutes or it may take much longer. But negotiation must happen. Here are some questions partners might ask each other when they are negotiating a scene.

What are some of your BDSM and sexual fantasies? Don’t try to be a mind reader. Ask about your partner’s BDSM and sexual fantasies. And tell them yours.

What are your safer sex guidelines? Are you adequately risk-aware? Although safer sex information has been widely disseminated, people vary in what they consider safer and in the type of safety precautions they wish to take. This is important information. Never compromise your safer sex standards and make sure to be as risk-aware as possible in all that you do sexually, including BDSM. This also means that everyone should be well-informed about the facts concerning sexual safety. If you sense a level of ignorance in a potential partner about safer sex issues, educate them. And keep yourself educated.

What types of BDSM play especially turn you on? By asking this question you know immediately those areas of interest you have in common.

What types of BDSM play especially turn you off? There’s nothing worse than playing with someone only to find out that what you’re doing completely turns them off, or what they’re doing completely turns you off.

What kind of experience do you have with BDSM play? The level of experience you and your partner have is important to know. For example, an experienced BDSM player might approach someone new to BDSM differently than they would someone with a great deal of experience.

Would you like to notify someone where you are? Will you need to check in with them? If you're playing with someone for the first time or if you have any reservations about your overall comfort level with the person, it’s not a bad idea to notify a friend of your whereabouts. A sensitive partner will understand this. And if you offer this option to a potential play partner, it immediately lets them know you care about their welfare and the play will be better as a result.

Are you more dominant or submissive? Do you like to switch? Knowing which direction the power is to be exchanged is vital, basic information for successful negotiations. Never assume anything. Versatility in BDSM is far more common than is exclusivity in the top/dominant or bottom/submissive roles. As mentioned previously, many BDSM scenes don't focus specifically on dominant/submissive roles, but asking these questions will help in discovering how each feels about such power dynamics.

Do you have any health or physical considerations I should know about? If a person is asthmatic, wears contacts, has a heart condition, has a cold, has problems with their bone joints, or any other health or physical concern, this is important to know to ensure that the play in the scene does not in any way threaten their health or safety. This again shows that you care about the other person and puts them at ease that they will be safe and enjoy the experience with you.

How out are you about your BDSM and kinky interests? Everyone has the right to express their erotic interests to others as much or as little as they wish. Never blurt out something about a person's sex life in a setting, in person or online, that they may not want divulged. Maintain whatever level of privacy you and your partner prefer.

How long can you play? People do have lives outside of their erotic playtime and consideration must be given to this. How you approach a scene might differ greatly if someone must be at work in three hours than if they have all weekend to play.

These are just some of the questions that might come up during a negotiation. Many more are possible. You decide on what is important for you to know as should your partner. No matter which side of the power exchange you’re on, you have a right to know everything necessary to feel comfortable during the scene. If someone won't engage you in this type of negotiation, proceed with caution. The person might not be safe to play with or might be presenting themselves as more experienced than they really are.

You need not approach the negotiation as a checklist of questions to ask. A time of good, open, and honest communication is what’s important here. Just make sure you cover the issues that are important to you. How you do that is up to you.

Safe Words and Signals

Something else you probably need to discuss with a potential BDSM partner are safe words and signals. Partners often establish a way of easily communicating with each other during a scene. For example, you might decide that the submissive partner is to never use the dominant partner’s first name. However, if the submissive partner calls the dominant partner by their first name (let’s say Jack), that indicates that a quick discussion needs to take place so that the submissive partner can explain any issues or concerns coming up. In this case, Jack is the safe word. That's just one of many possible examples.

Any word can be a safe word. You could use slow, switch, and stop. Slow could mean slow down the action. Switch could mean everything’s OK, but switch to something else. Stop could mean just that, stop everything and let’s talk. A lot of folks use Green, Yellow and Red, corresponding to the colors Americans are familiar with when abiding by traffic signals. Use your imagination. Come up with your own safe words. Any words of meaning to you and your partner can work.

The value of safe words is that they allow the status of the scene to be communicated quickly and easily, without necessarily interrupting the flow of the scene itself. Stopping a scene and engaging in long discussions often disrupts the flow and mood of the scene. Safe words can help avoid this.

Are safe words absolutely necessary? No. Some partners don’t use them. However, such partners must make sure to have other ways of communicating clearly during a scene.

Physical signals are sometimes established, especially if a partner is going to be in a position where they may find it difficult to speak. Such a signal might be the snapping of fingers, which will easily get the other partner’s attention, even if their back is turned. A series of predetermined grunts could work also. Maybe the top in the situation has the bottom hold a small ball in their hand. If the bottom drops the ball it's a signal to the top to check in. Get creative and do what works for you.

These safe words and signals can be very important, especially the first few times you play with someone. Remember, a BDSM scene must be entirely consensual. Safe words and signals help maintain that consensuality.

Casting the Roles

Within the script (the negotiation) are the roles each of you will play in the BDSM scene. Role decisions are typically an essential part of the initial negotiation process. Three distinct types of role decisions are usually made. They are power direction, level of control, and the BDSM persona.

Power Direction

In most instances, this is a fairly clear-cut decision. Which direction will the power exchange flow? In other words, which partner is to be more dominant (sometimes called the dom or top) and which partner is to be more submissive (sometimes called the sub or bottom). Often this decision takes care of itself immediately because the partners have definite preferences as to which they prefer. If both partners can go either way, usually a direction is chosen for the specific scene. Of course, in some scenes the power might flow back and forth, if that’s what turns on the players.

Is a power direction essential? No, not really. While most BDSM scenes will utilize some sort of power direction, some don't. BDSM can definitely be enjoyed merely for the physical pleasure it can bring without the need for dominant and submissive roles being established. Some BDSM purists will disagree with me about this, but I've seen quite wonderful examples of great BDSM scenes that didn't have any power flow established. It might not be the norm, but it's doable and it's always ultimately about what those engaged in the scene enjoy. Do it your way.

Level of Control

Once a decision is made as to who will be the dominant player in the scene, the level of control each person will have must be decided upon. Each partner must decide how much control they want and how much control they are willing to surrender. This might appear to be an easy decision. You might believe that the dominant partner will, of course, have total control and the submissive partner will surrender all control completely. This is rarely the case, even if the fantasy which the scene is based upon includes this absolute shifting of power and control.

An illustration might help here. Let’s say two people have decided they are going to play. The more submissive partner is very experienced in BDSM, while the dominant partner is new to it. During negotiations they decide that since the submissive partner has much more experience, that partner will guide the scene and assure that it's done in a fun and safe way. That means that the submissive partner must have a high level of control, even if the fantasy of the scene is that the dominant partner has the greater amount of control.

I've seen examples of the person doling out the BDSM sensations being the submissive while the person receiving those sensations is the dominant. There's no one right way to do this stuff as long as the risk-aware and consensual guidelines are adhered to. We're all unique individuals and thus our sexuality should be unique too. Again, do it your way.

BDSM Persona

The persona that each partner adopts during BDSM play is a matter of individual preference. Just a few of the personas people enjoy are master/mistress and slave, coach and athlete, teacher and student, doctor and patient, daddy/mother and son/daughter (in all combinations), torturer and captive, officer and enlisted person, and jailer and inmate.

Actually, many people don't adopt specific personas during their play. Rather, they assume qualities of some of these personas. For example, while partners might not actually decide upon the personas of master and slave, they might play out the scene with a lot of the dynamics those personas elicit without specifically identifying their personas as master and slave.

It appears that, by far, the most popular of the classic BDSM personas is that of master/mistress and slave. But you should play with whatever personas turn you on, not the ones that are the most popular. And if you don't want to adopt such personas, that's good too.

The Set

When you play, the environment you play in can significantly affect the scene. Some people’s fantasies are directly related to the setting that the fantasy takes place in. For example, if someone has a fantasy of being tied to a tree outdoors, it makes sense to try to do that with a real tree outside, if you can. Of course, finding such private places can be tricky.

Be creative. Your bedroom can be made to look like almost anything – a dungeon, a gym, a doctor’s office, whatever. Let your imagination go wild. Just one or two minor changes to a room can transform its appearance. For example, dim the lights, throw a black sheet over your bed and attach a couple of shackles to the bedpost and you can instantly create a dungeon.

Remember, a good set need only give an indication of the environment. That most important BDSM element, your mind, will fill in the gaps and create the reality you wish.

Props

Many people engage in this style of play without using any props (erotic toys) at all. But most BDSM folks, at one time or another, enjoy using some toys (often called gear or equipment). BDSM toys are anything you and your partner use in a scene to enhance the play.

Some common BDSM equipment are rope, restraints, paddles, whips, nipple clamps, blindfolds, and handcuffs. These are just a few of the many items available to make your BDSM play more exciting. And such toys need not be expensive. Later, in the BDSM Gear chapter, I’ll discuss BDSM toys in more detail.

Costuming

Everyone wants to look sexy. Everyone wants their erotic partner to look sexy. In BDSM play, your appearance can affect how enjoyable a scene might be.

Many people find certain looks erotic. Leather wear, uniforms, gym gear, latex, spandex, and undergarments are just some of the looks that people find appealing. There is no one right way to dress for BDSM play. The only right way is the way that appeals to you and your partner.

Some find the more stereotypical BDSM looks a turn off because they take away from the reality of the scene. For these people, playing in their regular clothing, or just naked, might be more appealing. What you wear, or don’t wear, is irrelevant, as long as it turns you and your partner on.

The Performance

The BDSM scene itself is the performance of your erotic theater piece. You and your partner will put together all the various elements to create your own, unique, and fun scene.

And don’t forget, all the world’s a stage.

Another Metaphor – BDSM As Music

I often describe a BDSM scene using another metaphor – music. I'm continually fascinated and delighted when I hear the endless varieties of music, all beautiful and yet so different. Think of all the music you have heard and realize that no one will ever create all the music there is to create. Musical creation is limitless. Yet, all music is basically constructed of the same few notes. The difference is the way the notes are arranged, the style of play, the personality, talent and experience of the musician, the environment the music is heard in, and the type of instrument.

It is just so with BDSM. Think of the notes as the various kinds of play available (bondage, spanking, roles, and so on), the instruments as BDSM toys (including your hands and voice), the environment as your bedroom or playroom (or wherever), the style of play as how you put the elements together, and, of course, the uniqueness that is you.

A good BDSM scene is truly like a great piece of music. May you become a great musician.

Discovering How BDSM Fits Into Your Life

Where do you fit into the BDSM scene? That is up to you. There is room for every interest and degree of participation. The important thing to remember is to reject the misconceptions and stereotypes. Express yourself as an individual. Make BDSM work for you. As long as you keep in mind the awareness and consensuality necessary, it’s OK.

Begin your exploration of your interests and desires now. The sections below will help.

Masturbation Fantasies

One of the surest ways to discover what kinds of BDSM activities turn you on is to explore the contents of your masturbation fantasies. What goes through your mind when you masturbate? Stand back from these fantasies and examine them closely.

Admittedly, I'm assuming that you do masturbate. I hope you do. There are a lot of reasons why regular masturbation is a great thing to incorporate into your life. Apart from the sexual satisfaction, there are even health benefits attributed to regular masturbation. To learn more about the numerous mental and physical benefits of masturbation, I highly recommend reading The Truth About Sex by Dr. Gloria Brame.

Remember, everything is acceptable in your fantasies. Don’t censor them in any way. Just because you fantasize about something does not mean you actually want to do it. It does mean, however, that there is something about that fantasy you find exciting. The key to using masturbation fantasies is to determine the essence of such fantasies that can be safely explored in reality.

The Essence of a Fantasy

One of the reasons people often don’t try to make their fantasies a reality is that they see their fantasies too literally. They have a wonderful fantasy, realize they might not be able to duplicate it exactly in reality, and write it off as unattainable. Erotic frustration will most likely result if one continually rejects erotic fantasies this way.

Instead of rejecting the fantasy, analyze it. What is the essence of the fantasy? The essence of a fantasy is its most significant component. For example, perhaps while masturbating you often fantasize about being kidnapped and forced to submit to sexual acts by your captor. Now, no one would really want this to happen. It’s just an erotic fantasy. But that doesn’t mean you can’t use this fantasy to enhance your erotic life.

If, when you have this fantasy, you always imagine your captor wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses, perhaps the essence of this fantasy for you is the way your captor looks. It's a simple matter for you and your partner to extract this essential element from your fantasy and place it into reality. Your partner can easily wear a leather jacket and sunglasses during a scene, thereby reconstructing the key element of your fantasy during your lovemaking. This may evoke similar sensations and feelings that you have during your fantasy.

Or perhaps the bondage your captor restrains you with in your fantasy is what you determine really turns you on. By introducing a similar bondage situation in a real life scene, you can also evoke those same feelings.

When searching for the essence of your fantasies, concentrate on how the fantasy makes you feel emotionally, not on the physical action that is taking place. Find the source of your feelings during a fantasy and you’ll probably find the essence.

Fantasy Visualization Exercise

The purpose of this exercise is to help you discover what kind of BDSM scene you might enjoy under ideal circumstances. This exercise guides you through a visualization of your perfect BDSM scene as it might really take place.

In your masturbation fantasy you might enjoy a wide range of fantasies that turn you on, but cannot necessarily be accomplished (or would be too dangerous) in real life. With this exercise, the aim is to visualize an ideal BDSM scene as you might like it to really happen. Nothing in your visualization should conflict with your individual safety parameters or be nonconsensual.

Here’s the exercise:

Sit or lie in a comfortable position. Loosen any tight clothing. Close your eyes and begin taking deep, slow breaths. Allow your body to relax completely. Focus first on your feet. Notice the small amount of tension still in them as you inhale slowly. Then feel the last bit of tension release as you exhale slowly. Next, do this with the ankles. Then, the calves. Work your way up the body to the top of your head and the tips of your hands so you're calm, peaceful and very relaxed.

Now, create in your mind a picture of yourself standing at one end of a long hallway. At the other end of the hallway is a door. Behind that door lies your perfect BDSM fantasy. Everything in this fantasy will be just the way you’d like it to be. The person(s) you’re interacting with will look and be dressed exactly as you want them to be. The setting will be exactly where you would most enjoy playing. The power exchange dynamics and roles will be perfect. The style of play and type of play will be just what you would enjoy most. Don’t try to think about what this might look like yet. Just believe that on the other side of that door, it exists.

Begin walking down the hall. You're slowly approaching the door, remembering that on the other side is your perfect scene. Closer. Closer. Now, your hand is on the door knob and you're about to enter. You're about to enter your perfect BDSM scene. Open the door and step inside.

You're now in the midst of your ideal scene. Look around. What do you see? What kind of environment are you in? Are you inside or outside? Who is there with you, if anyone? How do you feel? Are you feeling submissive or dominant or neither? If someone else is there, how do you feel toward them? What kind of a person are they? What do they look like? How are they treating you? Do you already know them?

Let the scene proceed. Keep remembering that this scene can be any way you want it to be as long as it’s in line with your self-determined guidelines regarding safety and it's consensual (and fun). Don’t feel obligated to stay in this visualization for too long. In your mind, speed up time if you like. You can experience a two-hour scene in a matter of minutes if you wish. When the scene comes to an end, take a moment to closely examine your feelings and observations. Then, slowly walk back through your magic door. Close the door behind you and begin walking back down the hallway.

When you reach the point in the hallway you originally started from, you will be wide awake, happy and filled with satisfaction from your great scene.

It’s important to realize that each time you do this exercise your fantasy may be different, or it may not. It’s your fantasy and it can be whatever you want it to be.

After you finish your visualization, extract some of the elements that seem particularly appealing. Make a list on paper if that’s comfortable for you. Itemize all the elements of the scene you found exciting.

Once you’ve done that you’re ready for the really important part. Go over the elements of the scene and figure out how you can make them come true in real life. Even though you were told to visualize a scene that is safe according to you standards, and consensual, some other fantasy elements might have crept in. You may have to do some adapting, but that’s part of the fun. For example, while you might have been getting whipped a little harder in your visualization than is appealing to you in reality, you might be able to find someone who could whip you with a very soft whip that would not cause you any pain. The more sensual sensation of them whipping you hard with a soft whip may be enough to bring up the same emotions you were having in the visualization. This kind of adaptation happens all the time in BDSM. In many ways, this type of adaptation is at the core of most great BDSM play.

Writing Exercise

Take a sheet of paper and make three columns. In the first column, list all those BDSM and erotic activities that you know you do enjoy. Write down everything that comes to mind. Don’t censor anything. In the second column, list all those BDSM and erotic activities you definitely know you don't enjoy. In the third column, list all those BDSM and erotic activities that you’re not sure about.

Now, look at your lists. This will tell you a great deal about your interests and what kinds of erotic play you will want to pursue.

It's also interesting to do this exercise once a year or so. You might initially need more experience with BDSM before you can capture a large selection of activities. Doing this exercise occasionally over the course of time you’ll probably notice that your lists will grow and that certain items have moved to different columns. Activities you thought you didn’t like might now be in the column of things you like. Activities you were sure you would like have moved to the column of things you’re not sure of. Also, new items have appeared in your columns that were not in any of the three columns previously.

This exercise can be of great help with two partners, as well. Each partner completes their lists and then gives their list to the other. Now each partner has an incredible amount of information as to what turns on (and turns off) their partner. Remember, your partner isn't a mind reader. How can you ever expect your erotic fantasies to be fulfilled if your partner doesn’t know what they are?

Another column you might want to add to your list is for your safer sex and risk guidelines. People have different guidelines for what they consider safer or acceptable risk sexual activity. You should have a clear understanding of what yours are as well as your partner’s before you play. Perhaps reading the Safety chapter in this book will help to define safety guidelines more clearly.

Reading

Reading BDSM-oriented books and web sites will give you a broad exposure to various kinds of BDSM play. This reading may fuel your imagination and allow you to expand your erotic repertoire.

Some published BDSM content is geared toward pure fantasy. This kind of fiction can be exciting, but it can also help you decide what turns you on (or off). Other BDSM content can be more informational and educational in nature. These are equally important because you need to know how to turn those fantasies of yours into realities.

Check out the resources on my web site (www.Bannon.com) where I've listed some useful books, magazines and web sites. Reading these would be a great addition to your continuing BDSM education.

Remember when you're reading BDSM content, especially content on the web, getting second and third perspectives about topics is important. Much the way you would get a second professional opinion for an important medical procedure or treatment, so you should delve a bit deeper into BDSM topics by reading multiple perspectives from various writers. Then you can more reasonably come to your own perspective or approach.

Releasing Expectations

One of the primary causes of unsatisfactory erotic experiences is unrealistic expectations. So often we build a fantasy in our mind in great detail and then go out into the world in hopes of making that fantasy a reality. Depending on the complexity and specificity of the fantasy, it may be easy or difficult to bring to fruition. Using visualizations and other types of fantasy experiences may help to illuminate your erotic interests, but don’t always pursue them so literally. Use your common sense.

For example, if you’re looking for a scene with a 6’6" blond partner, built like a bodybuilder, who speaks with a German accent, who has a fully equipped dungeon, who has years of BDSM experience, and who knows exactly how to play with you even though you’ve never spoken to each other, that’s pretty unrealistic. I’m not saying it can’t happen. It could. But it’s not very likely. Tying your erotic satisfaction to such rarefied fantasies can be a recipe for an unfulfilled sexuality.

Loosen up your expectations. Give people a chance. I’m not saying you should compromise your standards or try something you know you won’t enjoy. Just try to broaden your possibilities. I think you’ll be happier for it.

The BDSM Community

The networking of people interested in BDSM has grown to the point where it can now be said that a true BDSM community exists. Some people might not like using the word community. They might prefer tribe, brotherhood (for men), network or whatever term works for them, but I'll use community here since it's fairly well understood. (I do tend to prefer the term networks in my own personal life, but since the term community is so ubiquitous, I'm going to use it here.)

The BDSM community has developed its own culture rich with unique language, dress, artwork, social rituals, and so on. Finding your place in the BDSM scene is a lot easier if you have help from other community members. Here are some of the more noteworthy developments in the growing BDSM movement.

Men and women in the BDSM scene, whether they are heterosexual, bisexual, gay, lesbian, transgendered, or whatever self-definition people are comfortable with, have united as one larger community. For many people, the common interest in BDSM appears to be more important than the specific sex, gender identity or sexual orientation. Issues of mutual interest are being addressed as one body rather than by many different factions. This doesn't mean all factions within the BDSM community socialize and play together all the time. They don't. Nor should they. There are certainly times when the various factions wish to hang out with those most closely like themselves. But there should always be respect for each other and a coming together when such networking benefits us in some way. (Lately, as I write this, there appears to be a balance coming to the blending/separation of the varios orientations, genders and networks within the BDSM scene. There was a trend for a while towards hyper inclusiveness, to the point where many organizations and events erred on the side of including everyone, all the time. That is changing. While the blending of the various factions is still happening and is a welcome occurrence much of the time, the various factions also are beginning to see the wisdom of having their own spaces, events and social networks to support their particular aspect of the scene.)

BDSM and kink oriented events are taking place throughout the world with increasing frequency. Workshops, seminars, conventions, dances, contests, discussion groups and play parties have become an integral part of the BDSM culture. In addition, panels on or discussions about BDSM are more than ever a part of events not specifically BDSM in nature such as literary conferences, health conferences and political gatherings.

BDSM clubs, educational and support organizations have sprouted up all over. And not just in the major urban areas either. Joining one of these organizations, or attending their events, is a great way to meet like minded people and learn more about yourself and BDSM.

People interested in BDSM are communicating with and educating each other more than ever. Whether it's face to face or through web sites, newsletters or books, members of the BDSM community no longer feel as though they exist in isolation. They know many others feel as they do and they make sure they keep in touch with those people.

Take advantage of the opportunities available to you in the BDSM community. Become a part of it. Get to know others who have similar interests. By talking with and socializing with others, you’ll learn more about how you want to fit into the BDSM scene.

Evolving in BDSM

It's important to realize that your sexuality is an ever evolving thing. Since sexuality is an expression of your individuality and since you, as a person, change, it makes sense that your sexuality will evolve with those changes.

Never restrict the possibilities of your sexuality. Give yourself free reign over the vast and wonderful choices you have in your BDSM and other erotic play. That doesn’t mean you have to try everything. Just keep your mind open. As one great saying goes: "A mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work unless it’s open."

Finding Resources

When I first wrote this book I had originally wanted to include an appendix section with a thorough listing of BDSM resources. Such resources would help the newcomer connect more easily with the rest of the BDSM community by listing such things clubs, organizations, magazines, newsletters, BDSM gear and equipment vendors, and national BDSM community events, to name just a few. But times have changed.

With the emergence of the internet and the web, any such resource list is unnecessary. With a few clicks on a computer, anyone can pull up a host of resources that are generally kept much more current and accurate than any static, printed list could be. A resource list published here would be out of the date the moment is was published.

My solution when the first edition of this book went to print was to offer readers a separately maintained resource list they could order directly from me. Now, instead, I offer you a good starting point for your resource investigations on my web site at www.Bannon.com. Take a look at those resources when you get a chance. And if you know of additional resources that should be listed there, use my Contact page to send me a note.

On my web site, I give you some guidance on what types of resources are available, the best way to find them, various web search techniques and keywords to produce the best results, and the precautions you should consider when accessing those resources.

I mention finding resources here because some of those resources might help you discover how BDSM best fits into your life. This book isn't likely the end of your BDSM learning journey. As with all of life, there's always more to learn.

BDSM Technique

One of the best things about BDSM is its allowance for individualized erotic expression. As long as you approach it from a risk-aware perspective with some solid introductory knowledge, just about anything between consenting adults is fair game. The only limitation is one’s imagination.

But within this freedom of expression there are right and wrong ways to do certain things. And in cases where there are many right ways to do something, certain ways may produce more satisfying results than others. What we’re talking about here is BDSM technique.

Good BDSM technique makes for better scenes.

What is Technique?

When we talk about technique, we’re talking about the proper way to do various types of BDSM play. Now, no one should be so pompous as to think that they know the one and only right way to do BDSM. If you encounter people who claim to know it all, they are likely either complete beginners themselves or poseurs you should avoid. But there are many technique guidelines that a large part of the BDSM community agrees upon.

Some technique guidelines are important because they ensure the safety of those playing. These guidelines should be strictly adhered to. There is little room for variation when it comes to safety.

Other technique guidelines are generally followed because they produce a more satisfying result for most people, not necessarily for safety’s sake. This type of technique can be adapted to fit the needs and desires of the partners in the scene.

In other words, where technique is concerned and safety is an issue, there is little room for compromise. When the style and approach are an issue, there is much room for negotiation and individual creativity. Once again, remember the risk-aware, consensual BDSM credo. If you view all technique through the lens of the risk-aware and consensual guidelines, and everyone is having a good time, all is OK. Let the BDSM credo be your guiding light whenever you have questions about your technique. But let’s get more specific.

Two Kinds of Technique

There are two broad categories of BDSM technique – physical and mental. Physical technique covers such areas as how to tie someone up properly, how to spank someone for the most satisfying effect, how to handle a whip, and how to properly play with someone’s nipples. These are physical activities and proper physical technique is fairly easy to describe and master.

Mental BDSM technique is a bit more difficult to pin down, but we’ll discuss it briefly in the next chapter.

The BDSM Sensation Cycle

Much of BDSM technique hinges upon something I call the BDSM sensation cycle. Usually the enjoyment of physical sensations in a BDSM scene depends upon understanding this cycle. Being aware of this sensation cycle will enhance all your play.

Here’s how the BDSM sensation cycle works. This will sound a bit cold and academic, but understanding it will really help.

When a physical BDSM scene is taking place, certain events occur in the following cyclical pattern:

The bottom (the receiver of the sensation) indicates they are ready to receive the sensation.

The top (the giver of the sensation) administers the sensation.

The first awareness of the sensation is perceived by the bottom and the type and intensity of the sensation is registered.

The result of the sensation resonates through the bottom’s body and mind.

A period of recovery takes place. During this period the bottom assimilates the sensation fully. The higher the level of intensity, the longer this recovery period needs to be. A gentle bondage session might elicit a much lower level of intensity than a heavy spanking session. This period of recovery varies considerably based on the person and type of activity.

Once recovery is complete, the bottom signals the top in some way that they are ready for another sensation and, if the top so chooses, another sensation is doled out. During the bottom’s signaling, they also indicate verbally, through sounds, or through body language, the pace and intensity at which the next sensation will satisfy them most.

Having evaluated the bottom’s reactions, the top administers another sensation, as appropriate. The cycle then repeats itself in an endless loop until the session is complete.

An example might illustrate this cycle less dryly. During a scene, a submissive partner says to the other "I would even take a hard spanking to prove my devotion." This is read by the top as a clear signal that the bottom would like a spanking. So during the course of the scene the top bends the bottom over their knee and begins to administer a spanking. The top begins with a single light slap. The bottom’s body, and mind, immediately register this as a fairly light hand strike and the sensation resonates through the bottom’s body. Since the strike was light, the bottom assimilates this blow quickly, then tilts their hips sensually toward the top. The top reads this as a signal that the bottom is ready for the next blow. The top spanks the bottom again. And so on, until both partners are satisfied with the spanking portion of their scene.

Virtually all BDSM play abides by this sensation cycle, at least to some extent. Sometimes all the above steps happen within seconds. Other times it takes much longer.

It might seem that the sensation cycle only applies to overtly physical scenes, but the truth is that we register all sorts of erotic input as sensation. A gentle bondage scene might not have the same heightened physicality that a heavy spanking might, but it all depends on the players involved. Every physical and mental input the bottom receives from the top registers some sort of physical manifestation that needs to be monitored by the top.

What should be clear in this process is that play partners are just that, partners. Each partner gives input that affects how the other partner will play. This back and forth communication, be it verbal or not, is vitally necessary for good BDSM. The often idealized fantasy of one person having complete control over the other with virtually no input coming from the submissive partner is great fantasy material, but doesn’t usually make for very good scenes.

Types of Physical BDSM Play

There are many different kinds of BDSM play, but most of them fall into a few general categories. These are discussed in detail here.

While reading this section, please remember the following points:

The categories below are by no means all inclusive. This book is a basic guide and does not purport to talk about all of the many kinds of BDSM play possible. I’m not sure any one volume could do that. The types of play listed below are those that are most common among members of the BDSM community and, therefore, most appropriately discussed in a basic guide such as this.

Just because you're presented with all these types of play does not mean you have to want to do them. Your sexuality is unique to you and you get to play with it in any way you wish. Never forget that.

If your primary interest in BDSM is from a bottom or submissive perspective, you might think you don’t need to know about BDSM technique. Wrong. A good bottom or submissive should know as much about good BDSM technique as he can. How else can you assess the technical skills of a top if you don’t know how to do it correctly yourself?

Also, most people who enjoy BDSM enjoy some aspects of both top and bottom play. And while you might today enjoy mostly bottom activities, we change over time. Nothing is static, including our erotic identities, fantasies and desires. It's quite common for someone to vacillate between top/dominant and bottom/submissive approaches to their sexuality.

Sometimes this enjoyment of both top and bottom play is a part of someone's sexual identity. These people are often referred to as switches and most players fall into this category. BDSM players fall along the entire spectrum of top/bottom play from 100% top to 100% bottom and everything in between. Everyone is different and no one allocation of top/bottom desires is better than another.

So learn about technique, no matter what your current desires might be. It will always be useful and will most certainly keep your play safer and most enjoyable.

Bondage

Bondage, as meant here, is the restraining of the body in some way to produce an enjoyable, erotic effect. Many people who enjoy BDSM use bondage to enhance their scenes. And some people enjoy bondage as a scene all by itself.

Newcomers to BDSM often try bondage first. Providing you’re with someone you know and trust, it's relatively nonthreatening because it's perceived as not involving any pain. Of course, you now know that pain isn't necessarily the point of BDSM at all, but to the newcomer that isn't always so clear.

Caution should be exercised where bondage is concerned if you're playing with someone you have met fairly recently. A secure bondage makes the restrained person truly helpless from a physical standpoint. Certainly that is part of its appeal, but it's also the reason for its potential danger. Never let anyone restrain you unless you're absolutely certain they will release you if you wish it.

For many, bondage serves a utilitarian purpose. It keeps the bottom in place while the top doles out sensations. With some more experienced players, the bondage might keep the bottom from hurting themselves, or the top. When someone is under the influence of a high dose of stimulation, they may thrash wildly and might hurt themselves or their play partner in the process. Bondage can reduce or eliminate this danger.

For others, bondage can serve as a visual and artistic expression. These players care a great deal about how the bondage looks to the eye. Visual beauty of the bondage (and the person in the bondage) is important to them.

And many find the sensation of being restrained, encased or held captive physically and mentally stimulating all by itself.

All of these ways of using bondage can be fun. None are more correct. And the bondage can be both beautiful to look at and serve the purpose of keeping the bottom securely in place. How you use bondage is up to you.

A person can be restrained in many ways, but all good bondage must follow these guidelines:

The person should be restrained in a secure but comfortable way. Most people don't want to be able to break free of the bondage. But for some people, the illusion of restraint is enough to turn them on. In such cases, the bondage need not be so secure.

The person’s blood circulation and breathing must not be restricted. Some good rules to follow in this regard are:

Never tie anything around the neck.

Be careful not to tie too tightly anywhere the flow of blood might be restricted. Be especially careful at the wrists and crotch.

When tying around the chest area, ask the person to inhale deeply and hold the breath before you secure the bondage. This way you know they have enough room to breathe comfortably while in bondage.

Don't cover the mouth or nostrils. Breathing should be free and unobstructed. There may be cases when either the mouth or the nostrils may be covered (but not both, of course). In such cases, you must make sure that breathing is free and unobstructed. For example, if someone’s nasal passages are congested, you would never want to cover their mouth. Use common sense and the top should constantly check in with the bottom to ensure breathing is always easy and unrestricted.

If the arms of the person in bondage are above shoulder level, realize that the blood flow is slowing to the arms and hands and that the arms will likely need to be lowered rather soon. Periodically ask the person in bondage how their hands feel. If they are getting at all numb or tingly, lower the arms immediately. Other signs of arms that need to be lowered are hands that are cool to the touch or hands turning bluish in color.

If a person is in very restrictive bondage for a long period of time they should be allowed to move their limbs somewhat during the scene. The human body maintains proper blood circulation partly through the constant pumping of blood caused by the various parts of the body moving. If a body is still for a long period of time, this process can be obstructed.

Never leave someone in bondage unattended. Even with the simplest bondage, a physical or emotional problem may arise and you should be there to attend to their needs.

Make sure you can get anyone in bondage out of that bondage quickly. In an emergency situation (not common, but possible), unrestrain the person as quickly as you can. Usually this means cutting the bondage off. Don’t worry about your precious bondage gear. No gear is worth the safety of a human being. Cutlery and medical supply outlets carry a type of scissor used by nurses and doctors to cut bandages off. They have a blunt end on the bottom portion of the cutting blade. This allows the cutter to press the blunt cutting blade next to the skin and under the bandage (or rope, leather or whatever is restraining them) without slicing the person’s skin while cutting off the bondage. This type of scissor should always be available when you're playing with bondage. If you play with metal bondage, such as chains or handcuffs, a pair of heavy duty bolt cutters would certainly be handy to have around in cases of emergency.

Do your bondage slowly. Most people prefer to be put into and taken out of bondage gradually rather than quickly. The sensuality of bondage is enhanced when done slowly. In addition to increasing enjoyment, proceeding slowly allows the person doing the bondage to take plenty of time to make sure that the bondage is done safely and well.

A person can be restrained in many ways. Some of the methods of bondage are tying, wrapping, locking and confining. Let’s look at each of these individually.

The most common type of bondage is tying someone, usually with rope, although many other materials can be used. Some tying bondage situations are:

Wrists tied together behind the back.

Wrists and ankles, each tied together.

Wrists and ankles tied in spread eagle fashion with a wrist or ankle each tied to a corner (often on a bed).

Wrists tied to thighs.

A frequent mistake made when tying someone is to wrap the rope (or whatever you're using) around the limb in such a way that when the bottom pulls on it the bondage becomes tighter. This may eventually restrict the circulation, and this should be avoided. Always make sure to tie the bondage in such a way that the bottom can pull against it (which they often will – that’s part of the fun of it) without it getting tighter. Consult some of the instructional books and web sites in the resources section of my web site (www.Bannon.com) for specific details on how to correctly tie someone to avoid such problems.

There is a great misconception that to be good at bondage you should know lots of different knots. Actually, most bondage enthusiasts easily get by with one secure knot. The favorite of these is the square knot. It would certainly be fun and useful to know others, but for most situations it's not at all necessary.

Apart from tying limbs, one can use rope and other similar materials to tie in other ways. A woman’s breasts can be tied as can a man’s genitals. Various kinds of body harnesses can be constructed on someone. This is usually considered a more advanced technique, but it's really not that difficult.

If someone interested in bondage were to ask where to start, I would tell them to purchase about 50-100 feet of rope and start playing. Rope is, in my opinion, by far the most versatile type of bondage gear you can have. And it’s cheap and portable. Also, rope can easily be cut off someone if necessary.

Incidentally, many different kinds of rope can be used for bondage. It’s pretty much a matter of taste. My preference is number 8 (1/4") braided nylon rope. This type of rope is readily available at most hardware stores and offers many advantages. It's smooth and therefore does not pose a great risk of rope burn when pulling it against the skin. Being braided and not twisted, it will not unravel in a washing machine if you decide to wash your rope. Washing your rope before you use it (to soften it) and after playing (to clean it and to remove body fluids) is a good idea. Also, when you cut twisted rope it unravels quickly. Braided rope does not unravel as quickly. If you wish to finish the ends of your nylon rope so they won’t unravel at all, simply hold the end of the rope slightly above a flame for a few seconds. Since nylon melts, this will melt the end of the rope. Then use a wooden stick or similar object to press the melted end together. Do not touch the hot nylon with your hands. It will burn you. Once the end is cool, it will not unravel.

While I've described my favorite type of rope, modern bondage enthusiasts prefer a wide range of rope types and all can be fun. Many BDSM gear companies have started to sell rope specifically for bondage, in various colors and styles. Experiment with what works for you.

When the entire body is wrapped in a bondage material this is called mummification. This is a special type of bondage that many people enjoy. The body is wrapped (usually in plastic food wrap, believe it or not) so that it eventually resembles an Egyptian mummy. This is a very intense form of bondage and should probably not be attempted by a complete beginner.

When wrapping the body, always make sure to leave the nose and mouth uncovered and that the breathing isn't being restricted in any way. Unless the wrapping is awfully tight, there is little danger of restricting blood circulation with this type of bondage. But make sure to give the person in mummification a bit or wiggle room so they can move their bodies somewhat while in bondage. This ensures that the body's movement can help assist in the natural blood flow process.

Since the entire body is encased, often in a nonporous material, there is some risk of the body overheating. Be careful. Keep plenty of water around. If the bottom is in a prone position have a flexible straw or rubber tube handy so they can drink without hassle.

If the wrapping material is disposable (such as plastic wrap), simply cut off the wrapping to release the bondage. Once again, use the special blunt end bandage scissors for this purpose. Because the temperature usually rises substantially inside a mummification bondage, release the bondage slowly so the cool flow of air isn't a great shock to the person. This will increase the enjoyment of the release from bondage.

Mummification can be done with other materials besides plastic wrap. An inexpensive and comfortable mummification can be done with an old sheet. Cut some of the sheet into strips and leave the majority of the sheet intact. The body can then be wrapped tightly in the large piece of sheet and tied securely with the strips of sheeting. The advantage to this kind of wrapping material is that it's porous and can breathe, thus eliminating much of the overheating danger. Some people also find this comforting if they are new to mummification since having some air reach the body helps them deal with claustrophobia issues.

You can also wrap portions of the body. The most common part of the body to do this to is the head. Once again, make sure to leave the nose and mouth exposed so breathing isn't restricted.

When we speak of locking kinds of bondage, we are usually referring to metal bondage. This can include chain, metal locks, handcuffs and specially made metal bondage gear. There is very little mystery as to how to use this kind of equipment. Generally you just put it on and lock it.

The most important thing to remember in metal bondage is to make sure you have the key. There’s nothing worse than putting someone in a pair of handcuffs and then discovering you can’t set them free. Many adult toy store employees can tell stories of embarrassed people coming into the store still handcuffed from a BDSM scene gone awry due to a lost key. It happens. Before you click a locking mechanism shut, make sure the key is readily available.

If you're using padlocks, consider getting a set that are all keyed to the same key. That way you know that one key opens them all. These kinds of padlocks are readily available at locksmith shops and some hardware stores.

Another kind of locking bondage might be various wooden and leather bondage equipment. A common piece of wooden equipment is a stocks, similar to those used by the early American Puritans. Some leather wrist and ankle restraints have a locking feature. Once again, if they lock with a key, have it handy. Preferably, have a spare or two.

Also remember that sharps edges and corners of metal gear can be uncomfortable and possibly dangerous. If necessary, put some form of soft protection between the metal and the person.

Confining is placing someone inside a locked space – a sort of erotic imprisonment. This can be done in a number of ways. Putting someone in a cage will certainly confine them. But few people have a cage sitting around the house large enough for a human being. Improvise. A closet can easily form a kind of cage.

There are many great books and web sites that offer instruction on bondage techniques. Check the resources section of my web site (www.Bannon.com) for some good recommendations.

Flagellation

Anytime you strike a part of someone’s body with your hand or an implement (belt, whip, paddle, riding crop, and so on), you're flagellating them. Flagellation is one of the more common types of BDSM play.

Whether you're using your hand, a whip, a paddle, a belt or whatever, the guidelines for flagellation below apply.

Never strike:

directly on a bony area of the body (spine, collar bone, elbows, knee caps, shins, and so on).

the neck or head.

the kidney area. This is the area on either side of the back just above the waist. The kidneys are very near the surface and can be bruised easily.

the back of the knees.

The most popular areas for flagellation are the buttocks and the muscled parts of the upper and middle back. However, just because these are the most popular spots does not mean that everyone will enjoy being struck there. Communicate with your partner to discover their hot spots.

Always start slowly and build the intensity of the blows gradually. It's a very common error for the top to strike the bottom too hard or too fast. Generally, the first strikes should be soft and gentle. Each succeeding strike may be progressively harder until you have reached an enjoyable level of tolerance. I always liken this buildup process as slowly moving through the gears on a stick shift car. You wouldn't start a five-speed manual transmission car in fifth gear. No, you'd start in first and then move through each gear as the car is ready until you've reached your satisfactory cruising speed. Same concept with flagellation.

When you're flagellating someone, be careful to not wrap the implement around and strike the side of the body. For example, when flogging someone’s back the tips of the flogger can wrap around and strike the sensitive area on either side of the torso. Few people enjoy this sensation. Most experience it as unwanted pain. Work at keeping your aim precise and away from these sensitive areas.

If you're going to use something other than your hand to strike someone, practice first. Use a target such as an old pillow or a toy stuffed animal. I know it might seem silly to flog or otherwise beat a pillow or stuffed animal, but you and your future partners will be grateful you put in the practice time with something that can't get hurt.

What you’re trying to do during such practice sessions is fine tune your aim. You want to make sure you hit your intended target. One inadvertent, badly aimed blow can ruin a scene. Having good aim is usually not too difficult with very short or solid implements, such as a short paddle or a riding crop, but can be much more difficult with more flexible floggers, whips or long rattan canes.

Flagellation is in many ways one of the easiest types of scenes to do, but it's also one of the scenes most frequently done incorrectly. The apparent simplicity of it can be deceiving. Once again, remember to start slowly and build gradually. Not everyone enjoys being struck with the same intensity. By starting with light strikes and building slowly, you will more easily be able to gauge the intensity your partner likes without exceeding their individual limits.

Almost anything can be used to sensually strike someone. Be creative. Some of the most common implements are floggers, single tail whips, paddles, belts, riding crops, straps and rattan canes. And of course, the human hand. Yes, spanking is a type of flagellation and perhaps the most common and most often enjoyed. Other household items you can use for flagellation are hair brushes, wooden spoons and spatulas. You don't necessarily have to spend a lot of money to find useful flagellation toys.

Sensory Deprivation

When you restrict or eliminate someone’s sensory input, you're engaging in sensory deprivation. Blindfolding would be a type of sensory deprivation that most people are familiar with.

There is really only one guideline in regards to sensory deprivation. When you restrict or eliminate one sense (sight, hearing, touch, taste or smell), the other senses become more acutely sensitive and aware of the other senses. For example, if you blindfold somebody, thereby eliminating their ability to see, their sensitivity to your touch will increase dramatically. The slightest touch may send sensations rushing through their body. The same touch administered while they were able to see might not have the same effect.

The more senses you restrict or control, the more responsive the remaining senses become.

Eliminating the ability to see is the most common sensory deprivation method used. There are many ways to do this. The easiest is for the top to simply order the bottom to close their eyes until they are told to open them. If the bottom is feeling at all submissive, this usually works quite well. Blindfolds are another common way to deprive someone of their sight. A handkerchief, or any piece of cloth, can be used for this purpose and there are countless variations of blindfolds sold by kinky retailers.

When you put a blindfold on someone, always check first whether they wear contact lenses. If they do, you should put the blindfold on very loosely, choose a type of blindfold that does not press against the eye, or ask them to remove their contacts before you continue to play. Pressure on the contacts could cause damage to the eye. Be careful.

You can't really deprive someone of touch, but you can control what they do touch. Putting someone’s hands in a pair of gloves, for example, means they can't touch and feel anything other than the inside of the gloves. Restricting the movement of their fingers reduces their ability to touch. Some of the more advanced forms of bondage restrict touch significantly.

There are two ways to deprive hearing. Eliminate hearing or control what the person hears. The safest way to eliminate someone’s ability to hear is to use ear plugs. Drugstores sell foam ear plugs that insert gently into the ear canal and effectively block sound. When using such ear plugs, the bottom should insert them themselves. If someone else does it there is a risk of pushing too hard and damaging the ear.

To control what the other person hears you may simply want to play a certain type of music. To eliminate all sound but the music, you could place a pair of headphones or ear buds on the bottom. Now they’ll only hear what music you play. If you’re electronically inclined, perhaps you could hook up a microphone to the headphones so that all sound but that of your voice is eliminated. This can be very effective.

You can’t really deprive smell because that would mean cutting off the nasal passages and that could introduce the risk of the bottom not getting enough air to breathe. Not a good idea. Yes, some advanced players might choose to allow a partner to breathe only through their mouth, but unless the partners are advanced and know each other well, it's usually best to leave both the nose and mouth unrestricted. Of the few stories I've heard in my lifetime about BDSM scenes gone seriously awry, the accidental restriction of enough air to the body was the culprit in many of them.

Even if you can’t block someone’s smell, you can control what they do smell. For someone who enjoys leather or rubber, placing something made of that material near them during a scene might elicit the right responses. For others, the natural odors of their partner’s body are an incredible turn on. Some enjoy body scents so much that they prefer their play partners not shower before play. A smell, like any other sensory factor, can greatly affect the enjoyment of a scene.

You can also use one smell to mask another. For example, if your house smells like your household pet, that might not be a turn on for your partner. Burning some incense can quickly eliminate such odors and make the mood more sexual.

You really can't deprive anyone of the sense of taste. But you can control what they do taste. Perhaps the most popular taste is that of the other person’s body. I recall one scene I did with my partner. He was tied up in a sensual and relaxing form of bondage he enjoyed quite a bit. At one point I told him to open his mouth and he did so hesitantly because he was afraid I was about to ruin his pleasant, floating bondage relaxation. I began to feed him some really good dark chocolate. To this day he claims that was one of the most sensual and enjoyable bondage scenes we ever did, in large part because of the heightened taste of the fine chocolate punctuating the scene so nicely.

Cock and Ball Play

When you're playing with a man’s genitals, you're engaged in cock and ball play. All this really means is that you're concentrating your sensations on that area of the body. What you actually do to that area depends on personal preference. Bondage, light flagellation, skin sensation and clothespin techniques are just some of the possible ways you can play in this area.

The important thing to remember in cock and ball play is that a man’s genitals are very sensitive. This might appear obvious, but you’d be surprised how many people play too roughly, or at least too roughly too quickly. Go slowly.

Anal/Vaginal Play

The main type of play one does with the anal cavity or the vagina is insertion of some object or part of the body, such as the penis, fingers or hand. Once again, remember that these parts of the body are very sensitive areas. Be very careful when playing with them.

There is a common misconception that only gay men enjoy anal play. That is simply not true. Anyone, male or female, heterosexual or homosexual, may enjoy some form of anal play. The key is to proceed carefully, always remembering the delicate membranes that line the anal cavity.

Never insert anything inside someone that might have a sharp edge to it or that might break. If you're using your fingers or hands, make sure your nails are clipped and filed smooth to avoid injury.

While a woman’s vagina usually lubricates itself to some extent, many women need additional lubrication for comfortable play in that area. And the anal cavity always needs plenty of lubrication for any kind of penetration. Most people like to use a water-based lubricant. Drug stores carry such lubricants. Adult stores also often carry an assortment of water-based lubricants made specifically for erotic insertive play. The advantage to water-based lubricants is that they don't degrade latex (important when using latex condoms or gloves) and they are easy to wash off when you're done.

Silicone lubricants are becoming popular because they maintain their slickness for a long time. They also don't degrade later condoms or gloves. There are other forms of lubricant and you can experiment with what works best for you.

If you're inserting an object into a body orifice, make sure it's meant to go there. Adult toy suppliers make a host of rubber insertion devices in a variety of shapes and sizes. Make sure that it has a wide end on it so that the object cannot accidentally slip entirely into the cavity. Many a hospital emergency room attendant has seen objects inserted into rectums that the receivers were unable to retrieve without professional help. To avoid such embarrassment and inconvenience, not to mention the medical bills, be mindful of what you insert into someone and how you insert it.

One type of play nearly everyone enjoys in the vaginal or anal area is vibrators. Adult toy stores sell a wide variety of them. There are small personal vibrators about the size of the roll of candy that are convenient toys to have around. Just about everyone likes them and you can use them on the nipples and other parts of the body too.

Read the section of the chapter on safety about insertive play. There are a number of safety issues you should know before you engage in this type of play.

Skin Sensation

Skin sensation is a broad category of BDSM play that leverages the sensitivity of the skin for erotic effect. Yes, it’s true that most physical BDSM technique involves the sensitivity of the skin, but skin sensation scenes usually involve light, surface skin sensations. The two most common kinds of skin sensation scenes include abrasion and temperature. In addition, there is one type of abrasion technique, shaving, that is so popular it will be addressed separately.

Skin sensation scenes are usually more effective and enjoyable when a lighter touch or slow approach is used. A mild sensation doled out over a longer period of time can lead to a state of ecstasy that more heavy-handed approaches make more unattainable.

Any time you rub the skin you're engaging in abrasion. The effect abrasion has on a person depends on four factors – the implement used, the force of the touch, the speed of the approach, and the state of the senses.

Many implements can be used for abrasion. Some common ones are toothbrushes, hair brushes and toothpicks. Anything that can be safely run across the skin for stimulation is a possible abrasion toy.

Depending on the implement used, you'll need to monitor the force of the touch more or less carefully. Obviously, you can apply a very soft brush with much more force than you can a toothpick, for example. Judging the correct amount of force is paramount to ensuring good abrasion scenes. Generally, a lighter touch produces more interesting results than a harder one.

Because abrasion scenes capitalize on the sensitivity and awareness of the skin surface, heightening the sensitivity and awareness is desirable. One way to increase awareness of the skin surface is to add some sensory deprivation to your scene. For example, when you blindfold someone, the attention they pay to their other senses, including touch, increases. This can work to your benefit.

Shaving is one of the most popular forms of abrasion scenes. Many find the sensation of being shaved enjoyable. In counterpoint, control over the hair of another has great appeal for those doing the shaving. Still others enjoy the look of a smooth body. For a number of reasons, shaving is quite popular.

Almost any part of the body that has hair can be shaved. Actually, you can also shave parts of the body that don't have hair simply to enjoy the sensation of being shaved. When shaving, there are certain technical and safety guidelines to remember.

Never shave two people with the same razor blade. In this age of disposable razors and blades, that’s a pretty easy requirement to meet. The type of razor most people use for shaving scenes is the traditional safety razor. You can pick up packs of such plastic disposable razors for very little cost. When you’re done with the shaving scene, throw them away. You don't want to risk the possibility of passing one person’s body fluids to another.

To those who fantasize about using the old style straight razors, I must ask you to exercise caution. With a contemporary safety razor you don’t run nearly the risk of a deep cut that you do with a straight razor. In addition, you should also decontaminate a reusable straight razor, although they do now make straight razors with disposable blades.

If you do decide to use a straight razor for shaving, practice first. Shaving enthusiasts often recommend that one cover an inflated balloon with shaving cream as a practice surface. If you can shave all the shaving cream off the balloon without breaking it, you likely have the right touch to try it on a human body.

You have two possible ways to shave someone, wet or dry. A wet shave uses some moisturizing agent, usually shaving cream, to moisten the area being shaved. This can make the shaving easier by creating less drag on the skin surface. A dry shave uses no moisturizing agent. Regardless of which type of shaving you decide to do you must always do two things – shave slowly and clean the skin surface first.

Most who enjoy shaving feel that moving the blade slowly in very short strokes works best. This gives the shaver greater control, reducing nicks and cuts. When shaving, the skin surface should be cleaned before and after shaving. If skin surface bacteria, which we all have on our skin naturally, is introduced into the body through an abrasion or cut during shaving, an annoying and potentially dangerous infection may ensue. Cleaning helps minimize the likelihood of this problem.

Prior to shaving, wash the skin surface to be shaved with plain soap and water. Then wipe the surface with an antibacterial agent, such as 70% rubbing alcohol. Remember to keep alcohol away from any open flames, such as lit candles. You can then proceed. Once the area is shaved, wipe any excess moisturizer off the skin and clean the area again. Using hydrogen peroxide in this step works well. Be careful of using rubbing alcohol on someone after they have been shaved. The sensitivity of the skin after shaving will often increase their susceptibility to the alcohol’s stinging effect.

If you want to enjoy the sensations of shaving without actually removing any hair, try using an old credit card. Yes, a credit card. If someone is blindfolded and their body is shaved with a credit card, it's very difficult to tell it’s not a blade. The mental and physical sensations of shaving can be enjoyed without the loss of any hair.

Another way to stimulate the skin surface in a BDSM scene is with temperature, either hot or cold. Obviously, you want to work with temperatures that are neither too hot to burn the skin nor too cold to freeze it. But there is a wide range of temperatures in between that can be a lot of fun.

The most common hot temperature scene uses hot wax from a candle. Small drops of the hot wax can be dripped on the body to produce wonderful effects. You should only use paraffin candles, by the way, not beeswax. Beeswax melts at a higher temperature than paraffin and could blister the skin.

When using hot wax, remember that the higher you hold the candle from the body, the cooler the wax becomes before it hits the skin surface. A good approach to hot wax scenes is to hold the candle very high above the body first and slowly move the candle closer until the most pleasurable temperature level is reached.

Another common mistake made when using hot wax is to pour the drops of wax on the body too quickly. Remember the BDSM sensation cycle. The bottom partner must have time to assimilate the sensation they’re being given. Once again, starting slowly is usually a good idea. A good trick is to fold a pierce of aluminum foil into a small square. Hold the square of foil below the candle as you drip the wax. The wax will drip harmlessly on the foil until the bottom is ready for the next drop. Then simply move the foil slightly to one side to allow one or more drops of wax to fall. When the bottom's limit has been reached, move the foil under the candle again. This gives you extremely good control over how much wax is used and at what pace.

A good way to use cold in a BDSM scene is with an ordinary ice cube. Applied to various parts of the body it can produce great sensations. Don't leave it on any one body part too long or you run the risk of freezing that area. Move the cold around.

An alternative to using ice is to refrigerate something metal prior to playing. A thin metal chain works well. Lightly drag the chilled chain across body parts to bring about some interesting reactions.

Clothespins

This category actually includes all forms of BDSM play using any kind of clipping or clamping device. Clothespins happen to be the most common type used in such scenes. So, even though we’re talking specifically about clothespins, we are also referring to many other such devices.

The type of clothespins to use are the ones that exert pressure created by a spring. The standard clothespin, which is two pieces of wood held together by a metal spring, is easy to find and works well for such scenes. Adult toy retailers also carry a wide variety of clothespin-like devices that can be used. Investigate the web sites of adults retailers and you'll see many to choose from. Grocery and hardware stores also sell various kinds of clamping devices that can be adapted for erotic play. Some exert more pressure than others and some allow you to vary the pressure exerted. Explore your options.

To apply a clothespin to a person’s body, simply pinch a small portion of skin with your fingers and slowly apply the clothespin. Don’t rush it. By applying the clothespin slowly you can more accurately gauge the effect it has on the bottom. Virtually any part of the skin surface can have a clothespin put on it. It depends on the needs and proclivities of the players. However, be aware that some people have very tight skin. This type of skin can be difficult to use clothespins on because of the inability to find adequate folds of skin for the clothespin to hold onto. But on even the tightest of skin you can find some portion on which clothespins will work well.

A particular phenomena occurs with most people who experience clothespins. When a clothespin of light to moderate strength is on someone for a while, their body usually adjusts to that level of stimulation. Eventually it becomes a sensual awareness only. When that same clothespin is removed, blood rushes back into the area and the sensation spikes upwards quickly. Be prepared for this. Once the clothespin is removed, merely a light fondling of the area with your fingers will often produce excruciating results, which may, or may not, be what is desired.

You can adjust the strength of a clothespin by using a rubber band. Wrapping the rubber band around one end of a clothespin will increase its tension, while using it on the opposite end will decrease the tension. Remember, not everyone will like the same amount of pressure. This is a great technique if you're using clothespins, but if you want to vary the pressure it's probably best to investigate the adult toy clamping devices available since they will typically offer you much greater control over the level of pressure applied.

Pleasurable removal of clothespins usually means removing them slowly, one at a time. Of course, the removal method is entirely up to the partners involved. Whatever works.

Nipple Play

Having one’s nipples played with seems to be a nearly universal pleasure for both women and men. Few people don’t enjoy it, at least to some extent.

I’ve said it before in this book, but it’s worth repeating. Go slow. Few people enjoy their nipples being twisted or pinched hard right away, if at all. They might like that level of stimulation later in the scene, but only after their nipples have had a chance to warm up a bit.

The most common ways of playing with nipples are with fingers or with clamping devices, such as clothespins or specially made nipple clamps. All the guidelines stated in the section on clothespins apply here as well. For much play, though, the fingers do quite nicely. If you want a more sustained stimulation, some type of clamping device will do the trick.

When playing with nipples using your fingers, experiment with a range of techniques. Press softly, hard, twist lightly, brush the tips, press lightly with your nails. Each of these will produce a different sensation. You will know if your partner is having a good time.

If you decide to apply a nipple clamp, put it on and take it off slowly. Remember also that not all nipple clamps are created equal. They range greatly in strength and sensation. Always test a clamp first before using it. A great way to test a clothespin or clamping device is on the skin between your thumb and first finger. Trying the clothespin on yourself first gives you a good expectation of its intensity and sensation.

Advanced Physical BDSM Techniques

This book covers many of the basic physical BDSM techniques. But there are many others. Some of them can easily be done by newcomers, but most can not. It's important for you to realize that if you're new to this form of play, you should not try any of the more advanced techniques unless you're taught how to do them by someone who has a great deal of experience with BDSM.

Four of the particularly tricky advanced techniques I'm referring to are piercing, cutting, electricity and breath control. If you're unfamiliar with these types of BDSM play, use your favorite search engine and search for a combination of BDSM and any of those four activities and you'll see a number of explanations. Most people interested in BDSM don't engage in these activities at all. But if you do, it's very important for you to realize the potential dangers.

If at some point you become interested in these activities during the course of your sexual explorations, exercise extreme caution. Never try any of them unless you have done a great deal of research and utilized the assistance of a person, or preferably more than one person, with knowledge and experience in that area. The only way to find such people is to become well networked within the BDSM community. Join a responsible BDSM organization or attend one of the many BDSM educational events that have become common place these days. Many of these have educational programs that will teach you about these aspects of BDSM.

These advanced BDSM techniques, if done correctly by someone with lots of knowledge and experience, can be fun and perfectly safe. If done incorrectly, they pose a potential danger, some possibly life threatening, that must be respected. You would never go sky diving without the proper training. It is just so with certain types of BDSM play.

The Playground of the Mind

When most people discuss how to do BDSM, they generally concentrate on the physical aspects such as how to tie someone up, how to spank someone properly, or how to do a hot wax scene. But that’s only one component of BDSM. The really important part is the mind. How do you feel during a BDSM scene? What goes through your mind as a scene is taking place? What we’re referring to here is mental technique.

Mental technique covers the erotic world of the mind. It focuses on techniques used to enhance a person’s mental enjoyment of a scene apart from the physical sensations. Mental technique is much harder to define or illustrate because it's so unique to each individual and each different scene. It's also important to remember that the physical and mental aspects of a BDSM scene often, if not usually, blend one into the other in such a way that they become barely distinguishable.

What follows here is a discussion of how the mind plays such an important part in BDSM and how to make the best use of this fact. The discussion will give you a better idea about how to utilize your own mental techniques to make your scenes as good as they can be.

The Unlimited Mind

We all have physical limitations. But our minds know no such limitations. We can think about anything without regard for physical boundaries. This fact can be exploited to both partners’ benefit in a BDSM scene.

Now, this is an important concept, so pay attention. In BDSM, it makes absolutely no difference what the body is doing so long as the mind is having a good time. In fact, you can experience and enjoy a BDSM scene without your body being involved in any way. BDSM fantasies are a good example of this. The scenes that exist in your fantasies are just as much a BDSM experience as any other. This doesn’t mean that most of us don’t want to also experience BDSM in the physical world as well. But it's important not to dismiss your fantasies as unreal. They make you feel good and nothing that does that can be considered unreal.

Think about how important this is. You don’t actually have to do something to experience the fun of that activity. Let’s say you have repeatedly fantasized about being tied up and spanked severely, but the actual reality of it doesn’t appeal to you much. If you can find a partner who would enjoy making you feel as though you're being tied up and spanked, you can have just as much fun with this type of scene as someone who is actually doing it. At some level, this phenomenon is utilized by everyone who enjoys BDSM.

People who enjoy kidnap scenes aren't actually being kidnapped, but they feel that way during the scene. Their mind, at least to some extent, believes they are being kidnapped. People who enjoy being tortured by their captor would not necessarily enjoy being tortured in reality, but they feel that way during a scene. People who enjoy being a slave to a master or mistress might not actually be slaves, but they feel that way during the scene.

In order for someone to enjoy the mental aspect of BDSM, they must be able to tap into the childlike quality of imaginative play. In other words, they must be able to pretend. Now, there may be some in the BDSM community who will balk at using the term pretend. "But what we do is real," many will say. Yes, it's real, but it's also in the realm of make believe.

And therein lies the dilemma many face in BDSM – how to make a scene real enough to be exciting, but grounded enough in reality so as to abide by the agreed upon safety and other guidelines of the partners involved. The satisfactory solving of this dilemma is the ultimate goal of mental BDSM technique.

The Reality Threshold

Each BDSM player has what I call a reality threshold. This threshold is the degree of reality they find necessary to enjoy a BDSM scene. In other words, how much of the situation must be based in reality for there to be a successful experience? Some find they need very little of a scene based in reality while others find it very necessary. No two people are the same.

Finding a person’s reality threshold is an inexact art form, at best. There is no one method of getting this information. One reason for this is that the person you're playing with, and probably you yourself, haven't given this much thought. You know what turns you on, but you haven't broken it down into reality and fantasy components. And perhaps there is no need to. Sometimes excessive analysis of something ruins the enjoyment of it.

But extensive analysis isn't necessary here. Simply having a sense of a person’s reality threshold is all that is necessary. It's more something you will feel about a person than a fact you can know definitely.

Generally, the lower a person’s reality threshold, the easier it is for them to realize their BDSM fantasies. The reason is obvious. Their mind can more easily fill in the reality gaps. While one person might need a fully equipped dungeon with lots of ornate BDSM gear and a partner who maintains a strict role persona, another person might only need a dimly lit bedroom with a few BDSM toys and a partner who maintains some semblance of the role they are playing. Neither way is more correct, but the latter person is going to find it a lot easier to get their BDSM needs met.

That last point is extremely important. I believe much of the dissatisfaction people might have with their BDSM experiences can be traced to their self-elevated reality threshold. When we masturbate or otherwise have moments of erotic fantasy in our lives, I contend we can, at least to some extent, consciously link our erotic fantasies to more realistic expectations. And this will improve our chances of creating real life sexual situations that satisfy us.

As an example, if I consistently masturbate while I fantasize about a partner dressed a certain way, with specific physical characteristics, skilled in specific BDSM activities, adopting a role with narrow definitions, while taking place in a playspace that must be equipped in a certain way with a certain atmosphere, what are the chances I'm going to find that? Not so good. Everyone has the right to fantasize as they see fit, and we should embrace that freedom. It's one of the great gifts of life. But we must understand our fantasies do control how we pursue those erotic situations in reality. If we can adjust our fantasy life a bit to create a better chance of finding those situations in real life, that can serve us well.>

Please don't get me wrong. I don't believe in censoring our fantasies at all. We must all feel that we can fantasize about anything, as long as we understand that manifesting those fantasies in our daily lives might be easier or harder depending on the complexity or specificity of those fantasies.

Enjoy your fantasies. They are the fuel of your erotic life. Perhaps some of your fantasies aren't meant to be realized in actuality. That's OK. You wouldn't want to actually manifest a dangerous or unethical reality in your sex life. But for those that can be reasonably realized, being conscious of how our fantasy life directs our actual sex life can serve us well.

Getting the Information You Need

In order for your mental technique to be productive, you must have a pretty good idea of what turns your partner on. In the negotiation process outlined earlier in this book, you will get much of this information. Unfortunately, negotiations often become merely a listing of physical activities we like and don't like. Many mental requirements important to a scene are often left unsaid.

Two people might both enjoy spanking, for example. One partner might think of spanking as a fantasy punishment scene, while the other considers spanking as merely serving their partner’s dominant or submissive needs. Spanking means something different to each of these people. You might have gotten an "I like spanking" from them during the negotiations, but that doesn’t tell you how they like it administered or what situation the fantasy represents.

It would be nice if there were some magic way to get such information, but there isn’t. It must be done on a case by case basis. But it must be done if your scenes are to reach the heights of pleasure you desire.

Good, honest and open communication between partners is vital. Tell your partner exactly how you feel about BDSM and what situations turn you on. What mental and emotional elements are required for the scene to work for you? Do you like an extremely affectionate or rigid approach from your partner? What erotic fantasies do you dream about and hope to have fulfilled in reality? And how much of this should remain fantasy? Expect such information from your partner also. You have as much right to this information as you do to their safer sex guidelines, acceptable level of risk, safe words, and so on. You're 50% of the scene. Besides, if you don’t get this information you're likely to have a not so memorable scene anyway. So why bother? Go into the scene with the level of preparation needed to make the scene a fun time.

Mind Before Body

Before you ever had sex, your mind may have enjoyed countless sexual experiences in your fantasies. Before you experience anything in life, you usually think about it first. So it is with BDSM.

No two people take the same path to BDSM. But one thing is almost always true. Their mind usually thought about it before they did it with their body. And usually it takes time to get around to trying any new idea out. Few people think about something as exciting as BDSM one day and do it the next. They dwell on it for a while.

Using the mind-before-body concept can be a useful tool for BDSM play. If you have an interest in some aspect of BDSM and your partner currently does not, or has never thought about it before, introduce the idea in a non-threatening way, perhaps in a casual conversation. Leave a book around the house or send them an ebook that discusses the BDSM activity you want to experiment with. Maybe forward an interesting erotic web site to your partner. Maybe viewing porn containing that type of play during sex can prompt some interest. Or introduce the idea during your other erotic play without acting on it. If your partner has an inclination toward such a BDSM activity, their mind will dwell on it and eventually they may decide they want to try it. Allowing plenty of time to let it simmer in their mind is the key. Of course, they just might not have any interest at all in what you brought up and that’s OK too. There are plenty of other choices in BDSM.

The Power of the Voice

The power of the human voice is amazing. A few well-chosen words delivered with the right volume, pace and inflection can influence someone greatly in a matter of seconds. This holds true for one’s sexuality as well.

Learn to use your voice to your advantage in erotic situations. Experiment with the words you use and how you deliver them. Experiment with moments of silence as a counterpoint to the sound of your voice. The volume of your voice is important. Sometimes a whisper delivers more impact than a normal volume. Someone gifted verbally can take their partner through the most amazing scenes while doing nothing more, physically, than holding that person. The voice influences the mind and it can take off for erotic outer space searching for undiscovered territory. Remember also that how you say something often is more important than what you say.

Roles

Role play is a vital part of much of BDSM. Some people don't have a complete BDSM experience unless a certain amount of role play takes place. Although various roles might manifest themselves in certain physical ways, role play is basically a mental BDSM technique.

What is a role? A role is the part you play in the erotic theater presentation we call a scene. It's the persona you adopt for the duration of the scene, and sometimes you adopt that persona in some form for the duration of the relationship. The term role is also sometimes used to identify the side of the power dynamics you're playing on. For example, the bottom role or top role, the dominant role or the submissive role. Being a versatile BDSM player (often referred to a switch), someone who enjoys both top and bottom activities, is a popular role too. In fact, most people who enjoy BDSM are versatile, at least to some extent. Those who are exclusively top or bottom all of the time are more rare. No role identification is better than any other. It's all a matter of personal taste and desire.

Roles can be based in either reality or fantasy. The role of nurse or doctor is a role based in reality. Nurses and doctors really do exist, while an Amazon queen is more of a fantasy role. Although I guess perhaps some such person might have existed in another place and time.

The degree of submersion into the role can also vary from person to person. While one person may elect to take on only a few of the characteristics of a role, another may try to literally become that role with their clothing, voice, character, personality and manner, all in line with the assumption of that role. There is no one right way to play.

The BDSM community tends to foster a number of traditional BDSM play roles. This does not mean these are the best ones. They are simply the roles that a large percentage of the BDSM population favors, at least at any particular point in time. Just a few of the more popular are master/mistress-slave, father/mother- son/daughter, abductor-captor, and dungeon master/mistress-torture victim. You will encounter such roles if you develop a network within the BDSM community. Be careful not to be too heavily influenced by other people’s preferences. If the roles you prefer to play with don't fall within the traditional styles, don't try to conform. Such conformity is a sure path to dissatisfaction. Be yourself, always. Being open to experiencing new things is always a good idea, but bending your desires solely to meet the approval of others rarely proves to be worthwhile. Be your own person. Play your own way.

I would venture to say that most people in the BDSM scene don't play with specific roles. Rather, the roles they adopt are personal creations pieced together from various elements of different roles they fantasize about or encounter in daily life. Since they are personal creations, they can be fulfilling erotically because more is invested in them.

BDSM Gear

When someone unfamiliar with BDSM hears it mentioned, they might say "Oh, you like all that whips and chains stuff." They equate BDSM with the gear (also called toys or equipment), though they aren't the same at all. But many people who enjoy BDSM do like to use certain kinds of gear to enhance their play. That’s what we’ll talk about here.

First, let’s dispel some misconceptions about BDSM gear. Here are three very common ones.

BDSM gear is expensive.

BDSM gear is difficult to use. It takes a lot of experience to use them properly.

BDSM gear can only be purchased at specialty BDSM retail outlets.

None of these are true.

BDSM gear isn't necessarily expensive. Yes, if you want to dress in lots of expensive fetish clothing, play in an elaborately equipped playspace and have every conceivable BDSM toy on the market, you’re going to spend a lot of money. That's great if you want to do that, but few people do. And there’s no need to.

Much of the gear one uses in BDSM is fairly easy to use and the newcomer can feel comfortable using it right away. Of course, some gear does take more knowledge and experience to use properly.

And yes, BDSM gear is often purchased at specialty retail outlets, but that’s not the only place BDSM gear can be found.

Buying BDSM Gear

There are a number of BDSM gear retailers throughout the United States and Europe that specialize in supplying BDSM aficionados equipment to help them fulfill their fantasies. Visit my web site (www.Bannon.com) for links to many of them. These retailers fall into three categories – brick and mortar stores, online web sites, or small specialty providers. Often retailers have both a store and an online presence.

Brick and mortar stores that specialize in BDSM gear tend to do business in the larger urban centers. If you live in a large city, there is likely one near you. Some stores, such as adult erotica stores, sell some BDSM gear as part of the array of adult items they stock.

Online web sites offer an opportunity for anyone to buy BDSM gear, no matter where they live. Some of these companies specialize in only certain types of BDSM gear, such as bondage, while others offer a vast array of items to choose from. While stores provide the shopper an opportunity to actually see and scrutinize the items being purchased, web sites often provide a price and selection incentive. Shop around. Either option can provide you with excellent equipment at a good price.

Be aware of the possibility that laws in your area may not allow certain types of BDSM or erotic materials to be sent through the mail. Web sites usually have their shipment policies clearly detailed on their web sites.

Another type of BDSM gear provider is the small specialty provider. This is often a one-person business operation that makes and sells BDSM gear. This person might make custom leather clothing, unique gear or high-quality whips. Whatever they make, they can offer personal service and fine-quality items due to their personal attention to your needs. These specialty providers are best sought out by the personal referral of others in the BDSM community.

Wherever you buy BDSM gear, buy judiciously. Decide if it’s something you’ll really use. Don’t buy something you have no interest in just because you think it’s something you should have. Pay attention to quality. Quality varies considerably. It’s hard to describe what is meant here by quality, but just as with anything else you might purchase, you’ll know it when you see it.

Many online retailers show how an item is used on their web sites. But if you come across an item in a store and you’re not sure how it’s used, ask. Believe me, clerks in such stores have heard it all. There’s nothing you can ask that will shock them. Besides, they are there to help you.

The 80/20 Rule of Sex Gear

One of the things I've learned over my many years of purchasing sex gear is that often I end up not using it. Things looks incredibly enticing at the time, but then when I actually get into the bedroom or playroom, I end up not using much of what I own. Why is that? It has to do with the 80/20 rule of sex gear.

Many of you reading this will recognize the 80/20 rule. Originally known as The Pareto Principle, it contends that about 80% of effects come from 20% of causes and its origins are from the business management theory realm. A version of the 80/20 rule has also been applied to economics, time management and many other aspects of life. Now I'm applying it to sex gear.

So my 80/20 Rule of Sex Gear goes like this: We tend to use 20% of our sex gear 80% of the time. If you haven't discovered this already, you likely will. During your erotic play you tend to reach for the same few toys and devices while the bulk of your collection sits idle much or all of the time. This tends to happen with fetish clothing as well. I've talked about this with other people and everyone seems to have similar experiences.

So when a salesperson is showing you that cool new device or you're viewing it on a web site, temporarily suppress the natural tendency to want to own every sex toy you see. Pause for a moment. Project your thinking into the future and ask yourself "Will I really use this often enough to make the purchase worthwhile?" Pausing to ask yourself that question will eliminate a lot of unnecessary purchases over the years and hone your sex gear collection to items you use often.

This has a few advantages. Of course, one advantage is that it saves you money that you might otherwise spend on things you won't really use. But perhaps even more importantly, by focusing expenditures and efforts on fewer items that you end up using more often, you use them to better effect. By having fewer things that you use more often, you'll use them much more effectively during your sexual play. Your skill level with them goes up significantly because you use them often. You also won't be rifling through a toybox filled with unused items trying to search for that one thing you use a lot.

So by all means, buy sex gear. Whether it's fetish clothing, BDSM gear or other sexual paraphernalia, I always encourage people to expand their horizons and enjoy sex in all its forms. Just add my 80/20 rule to your sexual retail outings or online purchases and you'll not only save money, but you'll probably improve your play as well.

Preparing a Playspace

In addition to purchasing some gear, you might also wish to prepare a place in your home to play. Some people choose to set aside a separate area of their living space exclusively for BDSM play. For most of us, though, that isn't practical. Using a bedroom or guestroom is sufficient. And remember, BDSM can take place anywhere. Use your imagination.

Consider how soundproof your play space is. Could your neighbors hear you if the play got a little loud? What room you decide to use might depend on this factor. If you have children or other people living with you, can the room be made private and secure? You don’t want unexpected visitors popping in during your scene.

Variable lighting might be a nice addition. If you and your partner have a particular setting you enjoy for your fantasies, medical or military for example, can your space be made to look somewhat like those settings easily? A few white sheets hung as separators along with a few medical instruments could easily give the indication of a medical setting. An army cot and some army gear could create a military setting. Of course, if your reality threshold is low and you can just as well imagine all these things and enjoy the scene just as much, then so much the better for you.

One very handy thing to install in your playspace is a set of secure eye bolts. These can be screwed or bolted into place and provide excellent grounding points for bondage. When installing these bolts, always make sure they are strong enough to hold the human weight they are intended to support. Consult a construction specialist or a friend who knows about such things. If you're uncomfortable having such eye bolts visible, hide them in inconspicuous places or, if they are visible, tell visitors they’re for hanging plants.

The Inexpensive Toy Collection

Most physical BDSM can be done with items you probably already have around the house. If you don’t have them, they can usually be purchased in such places as grocery stores, drugstores and hardware stores. You probably have a lot of BDSM toys already in your home. You’ve just never looked at them that way before. Although it can be a lot of fun to have more expensive BDSM gear, it’s not necessary, certainly not for someone just learning about BDSM.

Next time you’re in a drugstore, start looking at the items sold there from a different viewpoint. A toothbrush becomes a toy to erotically tease someone’s nipples. Clothesline becomes versatile bondage gear. A sleep mask becomes a comfortable blindfold. Clothespins become erotic clamping devices for nipples and other parts of the body. Leather shoe laces can be tied together to form a simple whip. Candles can be used to drop hot wax on your partner’s body. You get the idea.

For little money you can buy all the gear necessary to use in the more basic BDSM scenes. Below is a listing of inexpensive items that can form the foundation for a basic BDSM toy collection. Over time you may want to add to the collection as your interests become more clear. But this is a good place to start. Let your creative mind lead you and I’m sure you’ll add many more fun and interesting items to this list soon.

Rope

Rope is the most versatile bondage gear you can have. With just 50 to 100 feet of rope you can create countless bondage situations to delight you and your partner. Strands of the rope can also be tied together to form a makeshift whip. Rope of some kind is always available in hardware stores and often available in grocery and drugstores.

Learning to use rope for basic bondage isn't difficult. All you really need to learn is a few basic techniques and learn how to tie a square knot. Refer to my web site (www.Bannon.com) for suggestions of books and web sites where you can learn some basic bondage techniques.

Large Square of Cloth

If you have a fabric store nearby, try to buy a scrap of thin, linen fabric about 3 feet square. Darker colors work better. If you don’t have such fabric handy, a very large handkerchief will do just fine. Or you can cut up an old sheet. This can be used in many ways. Folded flat and tied around the eyes it serves as a blindfold. Open it up and cover the entire head and it becomes a type of hood. You don’t have to worry about disrupting someone’s breathing because they can breathe easily through the fabric (check this out first before playing). Rolled thin and tied around the mouth it becomes a gag. Rolled thick it can be used to beat your partner in a very sensual way. This is fun for both partners. It allows the top to have the sensation of hitting the bottom hard. The bottom can also have the sensation of being truly beaten, even though the fabric is so soft it delivers only a mild thudding sensation.

Since linen fabric is usually thin enough to let light pass through, one layer will disrupt a bottom’s vision, but not completely block it off. This may be desirable with someone leery of being blindfolded, but wanting to experiment with it. When you fold the fabric to form two layers, it becomes opaque and blocks out all light.

Belt

A simple leather belt makes an excellent flagellating device. Remember to never hit anyone with the buckle portion of a belt.

Candles

Paraffin candles can be used to drip hot wax on your partner.

Leather Shoe Laces

Leather rawhide shoe laces can be used for certain kinds of bondage and also tied together to form a small, simple whip. Whips made from such thin strands can be quit stingy. So experiment with the intensity with which you use such a whip.

Plastic Wrap

Plastic food wrap can be used as an alternative bondage device instead of rope. Wrap the plastic a few times around the parts of the body you wish to restrain, such as the wrists or ankles, and you’ll be surprised how strong and secure it is. To remove, just cut it. It’s cheap. If you wrap it around the head you can form a tight fitting hood. Remember to never cover the mouth or the nose with such a hood. When removing plastic wrap from the head area cutting it off, be very careful and stay away from the eye area. Always use only bandage scissors to ensure you don't accidentally cut someone.

Duct Tape

This type of tape is very useful for bondage. Never apply it directly to the skin. Cover the area first. Plastic wrap works well for this. Plastic wrap wrapped around the eyes and then covered with duct tape forms a great blindfold. Remember you will have to cut this type of bondage off someone using your safety bandage shears, but tape is relatively cheap. Again, remember to always avoid the eye area when cutting anything off the head area.

Bandage Scissors

In the interest of safety, it's a good idea to have a pair of these in your collection in case you need to get someone out of bondage quickly. They are also the only viable way to cut someone out of certain types of bondage, like plastic wrap or duct tape. They cost only a few dollars and are available at medical supply and some cutlery stores.

Clothespins

Clothespins can be used as clamping devices for the nipples, as well as other parts of the body. Wooden clothespins with spring action are the ones you want. There are also other types of clothespin-like clamping devices sold at grocery and hardware stores that can have the same effect as clothespins.

Chopsticks

Next time you go to a Chinese restaurant, ask if you can keep the chopsticks. They make excellent tapping devices. Of course, you can also buy them in many grocery stores. A constant series of light tapping on certain parts of the body can become excruciatingly delightful.

Toothbrush

A toothbrush is an excellent abrasion device for all parts of the body, including the nipples. If you get the kind with the pointed rubber tip on the end, this can also be used to tease and delight.

Safer Sex Items

No toy collection would be complete without those things to make any sex you might have in alignment with your safer sex standards. These include condoms, latex exam gloves, dental dams, and water- based or silicone lubricant. Even if you don't use these with your regular partner, if there's any chance you'll be playing with someone who might require them, keep them handy. Look to the chapter on safety for more specifics about safer sex.

With the items listed above you can do bondage scenes, flagellation scenes, cock and ball play, anal/vaginal play, nipple play, abrasion scenes, temperature scenes, and sensory deprivation scenes, to name just a few. One of the joys in working with common, everyday objects in your BDSM play is that it engages your brain in a way that ready-made BDSM gear often does not. If you buy a pair of leather wrist restraints, you know what they do and how to use them. But a simple length of rope offers your mind endless bondage possibilities. You become intimately involved in the use of the equipment and that often makes the scene more satisfying.

Traveling With BDSM Gear

If you travel and wish to bring some BDSM gear with you, there are certain considerations you should think about. Traveling across a foreign border can often pose a risk because you may be unfamiliar with laws regarding such items. When traveling abroad, it's often a good idea to keep your BDSM gear simple and inconspicuous. A length of rope and clothespins is to hang your hand-washed clothes up in your hotel room, right? And a belt is something you would have anyway. A toothbrush, handkerchief, and leather shoe laces are certainly items anyone might have with them on a trip.

Space is also a consideration. Packing bulky BDSM gear can take up valuable space in your luggage. With a little thought and planning, you can pack plenty of BDSM gear to enjoy yourself while not weighing you down unnecessarily.

If you do decide to bring BDSM gear that will likely be perceived as such, never take it on the plane with you. Airlines have strict regulations about what can be brought on a plane, especially these days with the heightened security precautions airports have implemented. Some BDSM gear can be seen as a potential weapon and airline officials will not allow them in the passenger area. Be sure to put these items in the baggage you check at the airport. If you're traveling within the United States, for example, and check your baggage, very few things would cause alarm to airline officials. They are a lot more concerned with bombs than they are with your sexual lifestyle.

If having a lot of BDSM gear on hand is really important to you, consider shipping it ahead. Make sure you adequately insure the package should it get lost during shipment. And check that your destination has a shipping outlet nearby where you can easily ship the gear back.

Also remember to pack safer sex items should your or a partner you're playing with require them. Having these items always handy will ensure that you will not be tempted to engage in behavior you or your partner are uncomfortable with. Be prepared.

Finding BDSM Partners

All the information in this book won’t do you much good if you don’t have a partner to play with. Finding a compatible partner without the BDSM component can be difficult enough. Adding BDSM to the equation can complicate matters. But meeting others interested in BDSM isn't as difficult as you might imagine.

Let’s examine some ways you can find BDSM partners.

Organizations and Clubs

There are now BDSM support, educational and social organizations and clubs in virtually every large urban area of the United States. Similar groups have sprung up in other parts of the world. These groups provide one of the best forums to meet others, especially for newcomers to BDSM. They also often offer you the benefit of learning more about BDSM in the process. Many BDSM organizations provide educational events as part of their activities. They meet to discuss or demonstrate various types of play. This offers you an opportunity to expand your BDSM skills and increase your fantasy options.

Becoming involved in one of the BDSM organizations or clubs is one of the most direct and safest ways to meet others who share your interest.

A word of caution. When you're attending the various BDSM workshops and demonstrations that are so prevalent today, don't make the mistake of assuming you have to like it all or be good at it all. And don't feel you need to ascribe to any particular way of playing or role dynamics. So often I hear people tell me they feel pressured or coerced to learn things they have no interest in or adopt roles or styles of playing that don't seem genuine to them. Remember to always be yourself. It's your sexuality. No one else's.

Online Connections

At the time the first version of this book was published, if kinky folks wanted to advertise for partners they mostly did it in magazines. The web has displaced magazines as the primary place where you can find fellow BDSM players. Yes, you can find potential BDSM players elsewhere, such as in clubs or at the many BDSM events held around the United States and Europe, but the reality is that most BDSM connections now take place on the internet.

Personal ads have been replaced by online profiles. People interested in finding other BDSM players online typically join one of the many kinky connection web sites and post their information on their profile. You're essentially advertising yourself to other members of the site.

What sites should you try? That varies so much and connection sites seem to come and go in terms of popularity. Visit my web site (www.Bannon.com) for a list of a few of the most currently popular connection sites as starting points in your explorations. I recommend you join just one site to start.

Once you join a web site, browse its contents and study the profiles that people have posted. If the site requires you to create a profile as part of the subscription process, initially provide as little information as you can. Once you've had some experience with the site, you'll know what types of information you should include.

I urge you not to immediately start communicating with people on the site if you're a newcomer to the scene. It's best for you to be a lurker for a while. There's nothing wrong with hanging out on the site for a while and learning by osmosis. See how people word their profiles. What sorts of information to they include? Do you notice any patterns or commonalities among the profiles? Are the profiles overtly sexual or are they more subtle in their approach?

What abbreviations do they use? Which profiles appeal to you? Which profiles turn you off? Others will probably react to such profiles the same way you do. You want your profile to be a turn on and to attract the right kind of play partner, don’t you? Then take the time to study the profiles so you can tailor yours to better suit your needs.

What features does the site offer? Is there an email or instant messaging system? Click on all of the links to learn about the site and how it functions.

Once you feel like you have learned enough about the site and the profiles on it, go ahead and revise your profile.

Here are a few tips to keep in mind when you create your profile:

Think like an advertising executive. While it might sound cold and clinical to say it, online profiles are basically mechanisms to advertise you. Their content should make others want to stop and read it.

Don't use your phone number or address in your ad. The only way anyone should initially communicate with you is through the web site's communication tools, whatever those might be. Only give someone your phone number after you've communicated extensively online first. Most sites have rules about not including phone numbers or personal emails on profiles.

Decide if you're going to initially include a photo of yourself or not as part of your profile. On some sites it's perfectly acceptable to not include a photo, but you should be prepared that many people will not connect with you until a photo exchange takes place. This is perfectly reasonable. You might notice lots of naked or action shots in the pictures posted by others. I caution you to not post anything too revealing to start. Make sure you've had some experience on the site before you consider posting such pictures. A common trick many people use to post naked pictures, while avoiding those pictures being easily identifiable from just one of those pictures, is to post a head shot, a frontal shot from the neck down as well as a backside shot from the neck down. This way no one can easily lift the picture from the site with a picture in which you can be identified naked. You might not care about such things, but many people do. Exercise caution and proceed slowly.

Be honest. Don't lie in your profile. Make sure your picture really does look like you. Don't doctor your photos in any way. The pictures should also be current, not taken many years prior. If you describe yourself, be accurate. If you're looking for a specific kind of person, say so. If you list BDSM activities in your ad that you enjoy, make sure that you do enjoy them. If you're a newcomer to BDSM, don't pretend to be experienced. Dishonesty in a profile can lead to an unsatisfactory experience for both partners.

Be clear about what is reality and what is fantasy. Don't say in your profile that you love to be beaten hard or tied up for hours unless that is really what you like. Perhaps what you really like is the fantasy of being beaten hard and tied up for hours, but not the reality. Make the distinction clear in your profile. Someone reading your profile only has your words to assess you by.

Don't limit your options. When writing profile text, people are often too specific. For example, putting a narrow age requirement in your profile means that people who don't fall into that range will not contact you. If you say you're looking for people between the ages of 30 and 32, then the person who is 33 (and possibly just the right partner for you) will not contact you. Wouldn’t that be a shame?

Title your profile. If the site provides a place for a profile title, word it carefully. Make it concise and catchy, but true to who you are. If the site doesn't provide a field for a profile title, you might be able to replicate the title effect by creating a single line headline as part of the text body. Be creative. Remember, you're trying to get people to read your profile. A good title or headline helps.

Be true to yourself. Don't be tempted to present yourself as something you aren't. A large number of people responding to your profile isn't necessarily the goal. What you want is a good BDSM experience. After all, all it takes is just one good response.

BDSM-Related Events

As the BDSM community grows, so do opportunities to meet others who share such interests. There are a number of BDSM-related events that take place throughout the United States, Canada and Europe. Some of these cater to people of a particular sex or sexual orientation, while others can be enjoyed by anyone interested in the scene.

These events include dances, workshops, art shows, contests, discussion groups, play parties, and travel excursions, to name a few. Meeting others interested in BDSM in a variety of settings like these is an opportunity that should be taken advantage of.

It's not possible to list all such events in this book. Using the many resources available in the community is the way to find out about them. Some will be local, while others require travel. Check out my web site (www.Bannon.com) for links to a few of the big national events you might find interesting, but I recommend you try to attend some local events first because those are the ones where you'll meet the people you might be able to connect with on a regular basis since they'll live in your area.

Bars

Unless you’re a gay man, bars will not offer you much of an opportunity for meeting potential partners. In some large urban areas there are a few night spots where men and women of all orientations can meet others with similar BDSM interests, but these clubs are few in number.

If you're a gay man, however, gay leather bars do offer an opportunity to meet others into BDSM. Not everyone who frequents a leather bar is necessarily into BDSM, though many are.

Gay men's leather bars aren't as prevalent or popular as they once were. Most guys tend to connect with kinky guys other ways these days. I still recommend you seek out leather bars, or bars that welcome kinky gay men, and hang out in them. In the gay male BDSM subculture, leather bars still have a certain place in the lifestyle with which you should become at least somewhat familiar.

Although how you dress is entirely up to you, if you plan on going to a leather bar you will probably feel more comfortable dressing to fit in. Leather bars are generally becoming more accepting of a wide range of dress, but leather or butch attire will allow you to fit in better. Leather wear can be as simple as a leather vest with jeans and boots. If you don’t wish to wear leather, a simple dark t-shirt with jeans and work boots will suffice.

I'm not personally in favor of leather dress codes in bars because I would rather have kinky people of all kinds there rather than people who just happen to be wearing leather. Yes, wearing leather can certainly indicate a fetish interest in leather. And that’s great. But dressing in leather is by no means a certain indication of an interest in BDSM. However, the reality is that some leather bars do have dress codes. If you have doubts about what to wear to a particular bar, call them up. Most bartenders will gladly give you their preferred dress code.

When meeting someone in a bar, your screening of potential partners needs to be as thorough as if you met them online. In a bar situation you will probably not have the advantage of asking anyone else if they have information about this person. Asking for a phone number and talking later will give you more time to get to know them and is generally good advice. If you do decide to go home with someone directly from a bar, make sure the person has not been drinking too heavily and isn't under the influence of any substances to the point where you think their judgment might be impaired. If they are, don’t leave with them. It would most likely not be a very good experience anyway and it could be dangerous. Wait till another time when you're both in control of all faculties.

Referrals

Meeting someone by referral is one of the best ways to connect with BDSM partners. It has these distinct advantages:

You know the person referring and, hopefully, trust their judgment regarding the other person’s character and trustworthiness.

You know already that the person is interested in some of the same kinds of erotic play you are.

You can ask the person referring you questions about the person and therefore have some third-party information about the potential playmate.

Yes, I know this smacks of being on a blind date, but lots of blind dates have resulted in wonderful relationships. Give it a chance.

Approaching the Subject in a Non-BDSM Setting

There are ways to approach the subject of BDSM in non-BDSM settings. A subtle approach is usually best. Here are some ways to find out if someone might be interested in BDSM.

If you're already dating someone, mention some relatively non-threatening BDSM activity as part of your hot talk during your lovemaking. If those ideas appear to turn your partner on, proceed to investigate further. Go slowly. Don’t assume that because someone shows an interest in BDSM they necessarily want to dive right in. Most people new to this style of erotic play require a lot of time to become comfortable with the idea. Be patient.

Wear some subtle indication of your BDSM interest. For example, I have seen small lapel pins in the shape of handcuffs. Wearing such a pin on your clothing will likely indicate to someone interested in BDSM that you might be interested too. Of course, others who see the pin will probably just consider it a trendy fashion statement. Be creative.

Slipping some scene buzzwords into a conversation can clue the other person in on your interests. For example, the statement "the beauty of your eyes makes me want to submit to you completely" means two very different things depending on whether you find BDSM exciting or not.

Most of the resources that might be helpful in meeting others can be found on the internet. See the chapter titled Finding Resources at the end of this book and also take a look at the resources on my web site.

Tips and Advice

This chapter includes a variety of tips that will hopefully increase the enjoyment of your SM play.

The Importance Of Communication

Ask any psychotherapist or counselor what is wrong with bad relationships and they’ll often say lack of communication. This if often the case with BDSM scenes that go awry.

Although it's been stressed in this book before, it bears repeating – communicate with your partner. Your partner isn't a mind reader and neither are you. Be open about your desires, fantasies and needs and expect the same of your partner.

Pacing Your Scenes

Often the newcomer to BDSM believes, consciously or subconsciously, that if they play at a fast pace it will appear as though they are experienced and know what they are doing. This is wrong. In fact, the opposite is true. Playing at too fast a pace is usually the sure sign of a novice.

When you play at a fast pace, you often ignore the signals your partner is giving you. If you’re not responding correctly to your partner, the scene is destined to be unsatisfactory and perhaps dangerous. Take your time and pay attention to your partner. Look at their body language. Listen to what they say, even if it's only a grunt or a moan. Pace your scene according to that information.

After a Scene

When a scene is over and you're both coming down from the experience, try to stay connected for a while. BDSM is an intimate activity. You're sharing powerful feelings and emotions. Disconnecting too quickly can be disconcerting. Holding each other, talking, going out to dinner, or sleeping together are all ways to stay connected after a scene. This is often referred to as aftercare.

Another good idea is to call someone the next day after a scene, particularly if it was your first scene together or if one or both partners are new to BDSM. This will allow partners to process any issues left unresolved from the day before.

Avoid Ruts

When partners discover certain types of BDSM play that work well for them, they often stick to those types of play exclusively. Boredom can result.

BDSM offers people such a vast range of choices for play that trying new scenes is easy. Try not to get in a rut with your play. At the very least, try new variations of what you already know you enjoy. For example, if you and your partner like whipping and you always whip your partner while standing, try doing it while they are lying down. Or try whipping them with different implements, various rhythms, or on different parts of the body.

Avoid Excessive Intoxication

Alcohol, drugs and whatever else we as human beings figure out alter our consciousness does not always mix so well with BDSM. When one is under the undue influence of a substance, judgment is often impaired. Safety and sanity can go right out the window. Some will choose to play stone cold sober always. Some may have a drink or two. Some might indulge in another substance. I judge none of it. But few would disagree that using drugs or alcohol to excess poses significantly risks that must be weighed and considered by anyone who plays in such a state.

Don’t Play Beyond Your Abilities

Once someone has a few successful scenes they can become very sure of themselves. If this self-assuredness becomes too overblown the person may begin to consider playing with types of BDSM scenes they aren't yet qualified to attempt.

No one in the BDSM community knows it all. There isn't a single person walking the Earth who is 100% qualified to do every kind of BDSM scene possible. It's no embarrassment to admit you need to learn more about a particular type of technique. In fact, it's a sign of a good BDSM player. Someone who tries to do a scene they aren't yet qualified to do is an obvious novice. Experienced practitioners know this and will avoid such people.

Take the time to learn what you need to know. Ask for assistance from others in the BDSM community.

Think With Your Head

This ties in with the last topic about playing over your head. There may be times when the passion and excitement of a scene become so great that you're no longer thinking with your head, but with your genitals. This is dangerous if the activity you're doing at the moment has any risks associated with it.

Be aware that this might happen and stop yourself for a moment if it does. Ask yourself if this is the wise thing to be doing. Are you qualified to do this? Is the other person qualified? Will you regret this later?

Change Play Environments

The environment you play in will often dictate the kind of scene you do. A scene done in your own bedroom will be different from one done in a hotel room. And the variety of environments can differ greatly.

By changing play environments you change the kind of scene you have. This adds variety to your play and keeps it fresh and new.

BDSM In An Ongoing Relationship

BDSM can be part of an ongoing relationship. It's often best that way. But long-term relationships pose a set of difficulties in regards to BDSM.

The difficulties usually arise when the partners in the relationship no longer allow themselves to share their fantasies because they fear judgment of the one they love and care for. Consciously or unconsciously, they fear that their fantasies and erotic needs will be deemed silly or wrong by their partner.

Is there an easy solution to this dilemma? No. Honest and open communication is the best solution. Merely acknowledging that this problem sometimes occurs in relationships is a large step in the right direction.

If you cannot work this out without help, get some. Find an BDSM-friendly therapist or counselor and have them work with the two of you to iron out the problem.

Also remember that a certain amount of leveling off of sexual activity is normal after a couple has been together for a while. Expect this to happen.

Staying In Shape

This might seem like a strange thing to be talking about in a BDSM book, but it can be important. The reality is that people are usually attracted to others who are in good shape and take care of themselves. Yes, there are some who crave partners who are overweight or unkempt, but I believe they are the minority. It's not a judgment, just reality.

All the good technique and BDSM gear might be of no use if your partner does not find you attractive. A little bit of exercise, good diet and proper grooming is good advice for most of us.

Safety

Adherence to safety considerations has been stressed throughout this book, but I feel it's important to devote an entire chapter to specifics.

BDSM, like nearly every human activity, has its risks. The important thing to realize is that you can greatly minimize and in some cases eliminate those risks. This chapter will discuss how you can best assess the level of risk with which you're comfortable and how to adjust your erotic play to meet those needs.

There are three types of safety considerations we need to discuss. The first is health safety. This primarily addresses issues regarding disease transmission between partners and how to minimize that possibility, but your own general health status and that of your partner's needs to be considered also. The next is physical safety, apart from diseases and general health. Avoiding physical damage to the body is what physical safety is all about. And finally, there’s emotional safety. When you’re dealing with any relationship, the importance of not damaging someone emotionally is always an issue. In BDSM, with the strong power dynamics involved, emotional safety is that much more important.

Important! Regarding disease transmission safety, the information presented in this book is the best information I was able to discern at the time. Public health researchers are constantly modifying their messaging and guidelines as more research emerges. I recommend you supplement what I present here with some personal investigations into the current public health recommendations. I offer some starting point sexual health resources on my www.Bannon.com site.

Assessing Your Acceptable Level of Risk

This chapter addresses safety concerns – health, physical and emotional. As you read, keep in mind that everyone needs to determine their acceptable level of risk for their particular situation. No two situations are necessarily alike.

Are you partnered in a monogamous relationship where you know the health status of your partner? If so, then you might determine a different acceptable of level of risk regarding disease transmission, for example, than someone single who has sex with a number of people. Are you having great BDSM sessions with someone you have lots of experience with, someone you trust completely? Then you might determine a different acceptable risk level than someone who is considering a BDSM scene with someone they just recently met.

It's not just how well you know someone and whether you're in a one-on-one sexual situation or playing with lots of people that are factors here. What types of erotic play you engage in matter also. Perhaps your primary sexual outlet is oral as opposed to vaginal or anal insertive sex. Your BDSM play might tend to be mostly some light bondage and spanking. Someone else might like some of the more physically intense activities that pose higher risks. Each person takes all of these factors into consideration for their level of risk decision making process.

Essentially what I'm saying here is that only you can determine what level of risk is acceptable for your own situation and comfort levels. However, I'm a proponent of everyone having the best information possible to assist them in making these risk level decisions. I try to offer you that information in this chapter. But please always seek out good information on your own also. We should never stop learning about this stuff.

Find some good sites on the web that offer the most current sexual disease transmission information and check them periodically for updates. New research might adjust current guidelines. For non-monogamous, sexually active people, you should consider regular sexually transmitted disease (STD) testing. I consider regular STD testing absolutely essential for anyone who has sex with anyone for whom they aren't 100% sure of their health status. If you have questions that your current sources can't answer, seek out someone who can. There are HIV and STD counselors in every major urban area and they are happy to answer your questions. That's their job. Your city's public health department will have good information also. There's no excuse for not being well-informed in this area. Please note that some public health officials have begun to use the term sexually transmitted infection (STI) instead of STD.

Getting regular general medical checkups with your doctor is important. You want to rule out other health issues besides disease transmission. Is your heart healthy? Do you have low blood pressure? Are there joints in your body that require some specific care when you play? Your entire personal health profile must be taken into consideration when you're engaging in BDSM or any sexual activity.

In the modern kink community there are countless ways for you to obtain good information about BDSM play. There are informational books and web sites. Kinky educational groups host BDSM classes and discussion groups. Seek them out and learn from them. Talk to more experienced BDSM players and pick their brains. Even if you don't find yourself an experienced mentor who can help you navigate the BDSM scene as a newcomer, there are many other people more than willing to share their knowledge and expertise. Befriend them. Never stop learning.

Keep the concept of determining your own personal level of acceptable level of risk in mind as you read the rest of this chapter.

Health Safety

Since the 1980's, a great deal of attention has been given to the risk of contracting the HIV virus, the virus responsible for Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (AIDS). And that’s as it should be. HIV is still a serious issue and any sexually active person must learn the precautions necessary to avoid contracting HIV so that they can best assess their particular situation and level of acceptance risk. Luckily, the guidelines for avoiding contact with HIV are quite simple.

In addition to the HIV virus, there are many other sexually transmitted diseases that one can come in contact with. Generally, if you take adequate precautions to avoid the HIV virus you will also be avoiding a host of other sexually transmitted diseases as well. The means of avoiding them are all basically similar.

One of the joys of BDSM is that so much of what you can do is virtually 100% safe as far as disease transmission goes. But some erotic practices do have a degree of risk involved. For example, when having intercourse you may want to use a condom depending on your particular situation and level or acceptable risk. However, condoms are man made objects and, therefore, aren't perfect. And not all condoms are created equal. Some are stronger and more reliable than others. In others words, a condom can fail. Often the failure of a condom is due to it being misused during intercourse, not product error. But it can happen.

Because of the various levels of risk involved in sexual activity, most safer sex educational organizations list erotic activities according to their degree of risk. This is great because it gives you some solid information on which to base your own acceptable level of risk. That way, partners can make a more intelligent decision as to the level of safety they demand in their erotic play. To print one of these lists here might be misleading. Specific safer sex guidelines can differ amongst the various organizations. Visit my www.Bannon.com site to see a list of good safer sex information sites.

Before deciding upon your own safer sex guidelines, get current information. There are a number of HIV educational organizations. There is probably one in your area. Check your local phone book. If you don’t find one, call directory assistance and ask them. If you need to, call a doctor’s office and get a number from them. Don’t give up until you contact one. Luckily, the web provides an abundance of good safer sex information, but don't trust just one source. Check a bunch of sites and cross-reference and compare their guidelines. Which ones do they all agree on? Which ones seem to differ? Balance the information and suggestions offered.

Many of these organizations have hotlines you can call to ask questions. See if they’ll also send you some information about their guidelines. Most will be happy to or point you to the location on their web site where the material resides. That’s what they are there for after all.

Many of these organizations were formed to educate people how to avoid contact with the HIV virus, but as was said before, if you avoid contact with HIV you generally avoid most other sexually transmitted diseases as well.

When you seek out information from professionals or nonprofits, always assess their level of sexual knowledge. Do they seem to have an understanding of the BDSM scene or kinky sex generally? Do they seem judgmental or to have a negative view of BDSM or kink? A person or agency who has a negative bias toward BDSM and kink isn't likely to be able to give you the balanced information they might if they were better informed.

It should be pointed out that there is another fairly sure way to be safe in terms of disease transmission. That is to play only within a monogamous relationship in which both partners have discussed their health situations with a doctor and the doctor has concluded that it's safe for them to have unprotected sex. If you want to err on the side of complete precaution, since everyone gets to determine their own level of acceptable risk, be cautious about accepting someone's word on their health status. You'll likely want you and your partner to consult a doctor before engaging in unprotected sex. Also, be sure the doctor you consult is well versed in HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases. If you have any doubts, play entirely safely until you can be sure.

When you're going to play with someone for the first time, I believe you should definitely discuss each other’s safer sex guidelines. Two people may have the same safer sex information, but the level of risk each is willing to undertake may differ.

If your potential partner isn't knowledgeable about current safer sex practices, it's to your benefit to educate them with all the knowledge you have and, if necessary, to refer them to an appropriate organization, agency or web site that can give them further information. We must look out for each other within the BDSM community, and the world at large, and educating others about the most current safer sex practice guidelines so that everyone makes the best decisions about their acceptable level of risk is an important way to do so.

Sometimes talking about safer sex guidelines can be tough. Perhaps if you each write them down on a piece of paper and exchange them, it will be easier to talk about. However you do it, the point is that you and your partner must enter into your erotic scenes with a full understanding of each other’s safer sex guidelines. At the same time, you should each decide what your own acceptable level of risk is and give each other that information before you play.

If for some reason you don't have a chance to discuss safer sex guidelines before playing, always play on the conservative side of safety. That way you aren't likely to encroach on another person’s guidelines.

The guidelines below conform to the generally accepted requirements for avoiding contact with HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases. With that said, please don't assume this book is the definitive work on such guidelines. Disease epidemiology is an always evolving field. Seek out the most current information available. Also, the guidelines below represent a fairly conservative approach to HIV and other sexually transmitted disease prevention. No two people or situations are alike. So adjust accordingly to conform to your situation and acceptable level of risk.

If you're going to insert a part of one person’s body into the orifice of another person’s body, cover the inserting area with a barrier. For example, during intercourse (vaginal or anal), use a condom. The condom should be made of latex or polyurethane. Natural substance condoms, such as lambskin, are not considered to be optimal protection from the HIV virus. There are also condoms that can be inserted into the vagina or anus that serve a similar function. If condom protection is what you want, there are various creative ways to achieve it.

Make sure to use a condom properly. Here are some tips. With the penis hard, squeeze the air out of the tip after you put it on, before you unroll it. While unrolling the condom on your penis, hold the tip. If using a non-lubricated condom, lubricate it. Never use oil-based lubricants such as hand lotion or petroleum jelly with a latex condom. Use only water-based or silicone lubricants. Both oil and water based lubricants can be used with polyurethane condoms. These are available at drug stores. Specially made water-based and silicone sexual lubricants are also available at adult retail outlets. If you decide to ejaculate inside the condom while still inside your partner, hold the base of the condom as you pull out. However, it's always safer to pull out before ejaculating. Of course, you should never reuse a condom.

Not all condoms are manufactured with the same quality. Consult with an HIV education organization. They might be able to give you a list of the brands of condoms that have passed stringent studies with high marks.

If you're going to insert your fingers or hand into the vagina or anal cavity of your partner, consider covering it with a latex glove. For those people who are allergic to latex, there are alternatives available such as nitrile gloves. Any well-stocked drugstore should have both types of gloves available. Most of us have tiny scratches or abrasions on our hands at various times and a latex glove helps prevent inadvertent infections from things like HIV or Hepatitis C (HCV).

If you're engaging in oral sex of any kind, a latex barrier can also be used. A condom works fine on the penis. To place a barrier between a mouth and the vagina or anus, use something called a dental dam. This is a thin piece of latex used by dentists. If you have a hard time finding them, you can always cut a square of latex out of a latex glove and use that. It's a little thicker than a dental dam, but it will work fine. Some have also used kitchen plastic wrap as a barrier also. A little lubricant on the side opposite the mouth might make it more comfortable.

If you're using a piece of BDSM gear that might have come into contact with potentially risky body fluids such as blood or ejaculate of another person, you may want to decontaminate that toy before using it on another person. See the section below on decontamination of BDSM gear.

If an abrasion or cut results from a scene, it should be cleaned properly using a clean cloth or paper towel and an antibacterial agent, such as hydrogen peroxide. Covering the area with a clean bandage or gauze is often a good idea. If covering the area isn't possible or advisable, just make sure to keep the area away from anything that might infect it (such as your hand).

Apart from potential person-to-person transmission of disease during BDSM play, there is the additional theoretical risk of secondary transmission. In BDSM, various gear is often used to enhance play. If a piece of gear is exposed to certain body fluids, such as blood or ejaculate, then used on another person, there is the potential risk that the diseases those body fluids can carry may be transferred to the next person the gear is used on. No one knows the degree of risk this involves and I'm not aware that there is any data to support the prevalence of such transmission. But responsible BDSM players err on the side of caution as their and their partner's acceptable levels of risk dictate.

One way to make sure to avoid such possible secondary transmission is to dedicate toys to one person. If a piece of BDSM equipment is only used on one person, there is no risk of infecting them with another person’s body fluids from that piece of equipment. But if you do use BDSM gear on more than one person, you should become familiar with the decontamination process.

The exact procedure you decide to use for decontaminating BDSM gear may vary slightly as you refine it for yourself, but basically it requires these steps:

Clean the object thoroughly.

Rinse and dry the object.

Kill any possibly remaining virus or bacteria.

Clean the object again (if the viral/bacterial killing agent leaves a residue).

Rinse and dry the object.

If necessary, condition the object.

Maybe you've whipped your partner and during the course of the scene the whip cut slightly into the skin, thereby possibly exposing the whip to your partner’s blood. Or perhaps you've inserted a dildo into someone. Or maybe someone has cum (ejaculated) onto some gear during a scene. Now you'll want to decontaminate these items before they're used on another person.

The first step is cleaning the object thoroughly. You will want to use a strong cleaning agent, perhaps one that has protein dissolving properties. Wash the object thoroughly, making sure to clean any part that might have come into contact with a person’s body fluids. Next, rinse any excess cleaning agent off and dry the item with a clean towel.

Now you must use a viral/bacterial killing agent. Hydrogen peroxide and 70% rubbing alcohol both work pretty well. However, based on my research, I think there is more consensus for using a 10% bleach solution. You can make such a solution with one part ordinary household bleach to nine parts water. All of these have been shown to kill the HIV virus, so they’re a good bet to use for HIV. 10% bleach solution appears to be the most accepted method for killing Hepatitis viruses on surfaces with less support for using hydrogen peroxide or 70% rubbing alcohol.

Since I like to err on the side of caution, however, let me recommend a substance that will kill virtually all of the bad bugs we might inadvertently transmit through our toys, gear and play surfaces: a 4-way quaternary ammonium disinfectant. This disinfectant is proven to be effective against a broad spectrum of bacteria and it kills HIV and Hepatatis A, B and C. You can buy 4-way quaternary ammonium disinfectant in concentrated form and then mix it with water in various ratios to create the amount of solution to need to dip your toys and gear into or perhaps spray on with a spray bottle. It's safe to use on leather, rubber, latex, silicone, metal and surfaces. Use your web browser to search for sources of this fantastic disinfecting product. I highly recommend it. Make sure to heed the safety and usage precautions included with the product.

It's generally believed that the HIV virus can't live outside of the body for very long. Estimates for how long Hepatitis A, B and C can live outside of the body vary considerably with one expert telling me that they believed Hepatitis viruses can live outside the body for a week or longer. According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, HCV can survive on environmental surfaces at room temperature for at least 16 hours but no longer than four days. In contrast, the HIV virus can only live on surfaces for several hours. So the bottom line is that it's prudent to disinfectant your toys, gear and surfaces after playing.

Methtaiilin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA) is another concern for BDSM players. The survival of MRSA on surfaces depends upon the size of the population present. The larger the quantity of bacteria present the greater the potential for survival. The specific medium to support the survival of MRSA is a factor also.

Since there are a number of strains of MRSA around, it's only possible to give a general guide regarding how long it survives on surfaces. It appears that MRSA may survive anywhere from 3-4 days to several months depending on the conditions. Skin scales which have been shed and lodge in floor coverings may allow for survival for a period of six months or longer.

The 10% bleach and 4-way quaternary ammonium disinfectant solutions are both effective in killed MRSA.

A few things to point out. Remember that hydrogen peroxide turns to water shortly after exposure to light, so you might not want to use it on BDSM gear that should not get wet much, like leather. Likewise, a 10% bleach solution can ruin leather gear. 70% rubbing alcohol evaporates quickly and might be a better choice in some instances, such as on leather. My best recommendation as of the writing of this latest version of this book is to use the 4-way quaternary ammonium disinfectant solution when possible for all your disinfection needs since it kills a broad spectrum of bacteria and viruses and is safe to use on most of the types of materials and surfaces that a BDSM player might need to disinfectant.

After disinfection, it's a good idea to rinse the object again and dry it thoroughly. Don't use the same portion of the clean towel you dried the item with before. Sometimes paper towels work better for drying and applying any cleaning or viral/bacterial killing agents since they can be thrown away once used.

Since leather does not typically like such cleaning abuse much, you might need to recondition the leather item to ensure the leather does not age and crack. Use a good leather dressing, perhaps one recommended by the person who sold you the leather. Any good leather shop will have such conditioning products.

These cleaning and decontamination procedure are by no means universal. Suggestions and guidelines vary. Check out my www.Bannon.com site for links to resources that can provide you with some variations and you can decide for yourself what is the best procedure to use.

Physical Safety

Apart from health safety considerations, you must also ensure the physical safety of all scene participants. Many of the physical safety concerns were addressed in the chapter on BDSM technique, but here are some general guidelines that will serve you well in your SM play.

Slow down. Don't rush during BDSM play. This can lead to mistakes and possible injury. Take your time.

Monitor your play area. Is there anything that might injure you or your partner? How about sharp corners or objects someone might fall against? Is the floor slippery or littered with objects that might trip one of you? Is the light adequate so you can see what you're doing?

Never leave your partner alone if they are in any sort of precarious situation. This is especially important if one of you is in bondage.

Establish safe words and signals. Heed these words and signals at all times.

Have a basic first aid kit handy and know how to use it.

Trust your perceptions. If the scene appears to not be going quite right, stop. Now. Check in with your partner to make sure all is well. If it's not, correct the situation immediately.

Have the local emergency phone number handy. If a serious injury occurs, don't hesitate to call that emergency number immediately. Believe me, emergency medical personnel have heard and seen it all. There is nothing you could tell them or that they might see that would shock them. The important thing is to get help fast if you need it.

Don't play beyond your abilities. If you don't know how to do a certain type of scene, get as much information as you can first from another person experienced in that type of play. Never let your pride push you into a scene you aren't ready for. It’s not worth it.

I strongly recommend you learn the basics of first aid and CPR. This isn't only good advice for those interested in BDSM, but for everyone. You never know when it might come in handy. Hopefully you will never need to use it, but being prepared is one of the cornerstones of safety.

The Red Cross or a similar organization in your area will likely have booklets on the subject of first aid and CPR. Call them up. Most such organizations will be glad to send information to you and their web sites are likely great resources for such information. If your local area has training programs available, sign up for them. Serious physical injury isn't likely if BDSM is done properly, but accidents do happen. It's your responsibility to be prepared. One of the books I recommend if you can find a copy, The Lesbian SM Safety Manual, has an excellent chapter on BDSM first aid.

Emotional Safety

BDSM is a highly charged emotional event for many people. As such, one must be aware of the need for emotional safety, not only for your partner, but for yourself as well. The taking or giving of erotic power with another human being is a big deal for most of us. Treat it with respect.

During a scene you may encounter a situation where a powerful emotional release happens. For example, if your partner was physically abused as a child, a hard spanking or whipping might release the emotional memories of those painful childhood events and cause the person to need lots of tenderness and support. In such situations, shut down the scene. Stop it immediately. Your only concern must be to ensure that the person experiencing those feelings feels loved and supported. Hold them. Talk if they wish to. Whatever you do, don't try to start the scene again too soon, if at all. The best course of action might be to stop playing altogether and spend some quality quiet time with that person.

If you're the person who needs the emotional support, ask for it from your partner. If they won’t give it to you, they’re not worth playing with. Stop the scene yourself, leave and call a trusted friend or psychotherapeutic professional. Above all, take care of yourself. You deserve it.

Most situations in which emotions might need attention during a scene aren't nearly as urgent as the example above. That does not mean, however, that they don’t need attending to. They do. If you have an emotional issue you need to discuss with your partner, do so. Negative emotions will undoubtedly get in the way of enjoyment of the scene anyway. You might as well clear the air immediately.

If a scene elicits a particularly positive emotional response, it can be important to talk about that also. The bottom line is that BDSM partners must take care of each other’s emotional needs before, during and after play. That kind of responsibility comes with the territory.

Remember that unless you're a psychotherapeutic professional, you aren't qualified to handle serious emotional trauma, whether it's your own or that of your partner. If you or your partner appears to have serious emotional issues to deal with, consultation with a professional is a good idea. However, if your emotional issues deal in any way with BDSM itself, or if you feel you must talk about your BDSM to a professional to process your issues, you need to find one who understands BDSM.

The acceptance of risk-aware, consensual BDSM is happening at an increasing rate among psychotherapeutic professionals, but many still believe it to be a pathological problem. I believe that will continue to change for the better, just as therapeutic views on homosexuality have changed in the past few decades. But if you have problems now, you need help now. Finding an BDSM-friendly professional isn't always easy, but it can be done.

The best way to find such a professional is to get a referral from someone within the local BDSM community. Ask everyone in the community you know for references. Once you get the name of a referral, make an appointment to talk with that professional. Make appointments with others if you get more than one referral. When you have that first appointment, remember that you're interviewing them. You have to decide if they can help you and part of that decision may be based on their attitudes about BDSM. Don’t be bullied. You're paying them for their services and you deserve to have a therapist who can understand you and your life choices.

A great resource to find kink-friendly professionals is the Kink Aware Professionals directory now managed by the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (ncsfreedom.org). Check my www.Bannon.com site for links to resources that might help you find a BDSM-friendly psychotherapist.

The Next Step

You’ve learned a great deal by reading this book. But just reading about BDSM without actually playing is a little like reading a cookbook without ever cooking. It might prove somewhat amusing, but ultimately it won’t be very satisfying if that’s all you do.

It’s time to play!

If you currently have a partner who wants to explore BDSM with you, wonderful. The time to begin that exploration is now. If they haven’t read this book, you might suggest that they do. That way you’ll both be starting out with the same foundation. If they don’t wish to read the book, tell them some of the highlights and answer their questions. Your partner may believe a lot of the misconceptions about BDSM that so many other people believe. Allay their fears. Tell them the truth about BDSM and how it can be a loving and sensual act of lovemaking between two people who care about each other.

If you don’t currently have a partner to explore BDSM with, go find one. Don’t rush it, though. You want to make sure they’re the right person for you. Use the tips and guidelines in this book and search out a potential playmate. Once you’ve found them, nurture the relationship.

Try to learn more about BDSM. This book is just an introduction. Seek out resources of learning such as BDSM support organizations or good BDSM books or web sites. Find respected and experienced members of the community that you trust who can act as mentors when you have questions. And always remember that no matter how much you learn about BDSM, there’s always more to learn.

Make sure to check out my www.Bannon.com site for some good starting points for your further education.

Conclusion

BDSM is lovemaking. Hopefully, that is the message you’ve gotten from this book. Now is the time for BDSM to take its rightful place among the accepted variations partners choose from to express their affections. Now is the time for each person to claim their right to individual erotic expression. Now is the time for you to have the satisfying realization of your fantasies that you deserve.

Approach your play as a risk-aware individual who respects the consensual nature of this form of erotic play. And most of all, have fun!

Bannon.com

Along with the original edition of this book I maintained and sold a constantly updated listing of resources such as retail outlets, magazines, books, BDSM events, bars, and organizations. During the 20 years since the publishing of the first edition of this book a phenomenon occurred that made such a resource listing inconsequential, the internet and the world wide web.

The original edition of this book contained sections on finding BDSM resources, a recommended book reading list, and a BDSM glossary. These sections are now obsolete and have been eliminated from this version. The web now provides anyone seeking BDSM resources a wealth of such information with a few quick searches. The web truly offers a treasure of information about BDSM and sex in general. I provide links to a number of quality resources on my www.Bannon.com site. Visit my site and you'll find:

My blog where I offer my opinion, experiences, information and other input about the world of adventurous sex, including BDSM.

Resources that will help you explore your sexual adventures with good information including other books and web sites I recommend.

Instructions on how to order copies of this book.

And more.

I invite you to visit www.Bannon.com, read my blog, and use the site to help you further your exploration of adventurous sex of which BDSM can be such a wonderful part. And I always like hearing from my readers. Use the Contact form on my web site to reach me.

About The Author

Race Bannon is a nationally recognized expert in BDSM and alternative sexualities, devoting much of his time to furthering the understanding of this wonderful form of erotic play. Kinky sex has been one of Race Bannon’s passions as a practitioner, organizer, writer, educator, commentator, activist and leader since his first explorations of the leather world starting in 1973. Since that time Race has ardently explored his own sexuality and encouraged others to do the same. Race's belief in the inherent freedom to be who you are are in terms of sexual activity, orientation and identity is the foundation upon which many of Race's efforts have flourished.

Race’s accomplishments include co-founder of Kink Aware Professionals, a nonprofit service that refers people to kink-sensitive psychotherapeutic, medical and legal professionals (now hosted and managed by the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom); leader of The DSM Project that led to a beneficial change in the way the psychotherapeutic profession views kink; founder of Daedalus Publishing Company, the first publishing company dedicated to publishing nonfiction leather/SM/fetish books; writer of many articles on sexuality; former sex advice columnist; former producer and host of Bound To Talk, the first internet talk show about kinky sex; past Board member of NLA International and Avatar Club Los Angeles and co-founder of NLA Los Angeles.

Race is the Board Chair for the Community-Academic Consortium for Research on Alternative Sexualities (carasresearch.org) and he sits on the Boards of the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (ncsfreedom.org) and the Leather Hall of Fame (leatherhalloffame.com). He is prominently featured in the documentaries Vice and Consent and Out of the Darkness: The Reality of S&M. Race is regularly interviewed by the press as an expert on kinky sexuality and he is a popular speaker including as an event keynote speaker.

Race has been awarded the 2006 National Leather Association International's Lifetime Achievement Award, 2010 Mister Marcus Hernandez Lifetime Achievement Award (Man) Pantheon of Leather Community Service Award, and the 2011 Philip M. Turner Lifetime Achievement Award.

Public health is also an issue Race cares about and he has worked on many HIV prevention projects and was a core organizer for the first San Francisco town hall forum on Hepatitis C that changed the direction of how the city treated Hepatitis C as a public health concern.

Race can be reached through his web site at www.Bannon.com where you can read his sexuality and relationship blog. Race has also recently started his racebannon.com blog on which he hopes to explore other areas of interest in his life. Race lives in San Francisco where he's been in a triad, polyamorous relationship with his two partners, Jim and Mike, for over 16 years.